Dec. 7, 2022 - The Joe Rogan Experience
04:44:03
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Stream by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! | ||
| Dude, I was telling somebody I used to do live streaming and you were like, what was I doing? | ||
| Yeah, we used to do all the shows live streaming. | ||
| It was so dumb. | ||
| So dangerous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boys, we're back. | |
| Are we on? | ||
| The band's back together. | ||
| We're on. | ||
| Yay. | ||
| Fresh from the club. | ||
| Suck it, Neil deGrasse, you big fat queef. | ||
| Imagine going from that to this. | ||
| Imagine going from a legit astrophysicist, head of the Hayden Planetarium, to this podcast. | ||
| He's a sweet guy. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| We talked about the James Webb telescope and new capabilities and some pretty wild shit. | ||
| Imagine caring. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You don't care at all about space? | ||
| Well, it's a cute photo. | ||
| It's colorful. | ||
| No, that's just cool. | ||
| It's pretty cool. | ||
| It looks like Bejeweled, that video game. | ||
| Imagine if no one was paying attention to space if everyone was like us. | ||
| I'm like, I hope everything up there is good. | ||
| Yeah, whatever that is. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck that shit is up there. | ||
| Just don't attack. | ||
| As long as there's no attacks, I'm fine. | ||
| Even the Native Americans, they would look at it and they would make shit out of it, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The constellation. | ||
| Oh, yeah, everybody did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Constellate. | |
| It was pre-TV, you know, so you're like, this is the show. | ||
| The dots are so, like, weirdly connected, too. | ||
| Like, how are you getting an archer? | ||
| How's that an archer? | ||
| Yeah, you see it, you're like, you're drawing random lines in! | ||
| Yeah, you're just deciding. | ||
| Orion's belt. | ||
| Oh, there's a lion. | ||
| That's not Do you remember when you'd stay in these shitty little hotels and you'd have to pay money through a machine to watch porn? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There were some hotels. | ||
| I never saw that. | ||
| Ray Romano was a bit about it because his porn wasn't working, but he goes, so you have to call downstairs, but he's like, I have a very recognizable voice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I was like, hi, room 217. That was Gilbert. | |
| He did there. | ||
| Yeah, it's Ray Romano. | ||
| Hey, that's pretty good. | ||
| Not bad. | ||
| He's a sweet, sweet man. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He's a good dude, man. | ||
| He kind of like made his money and just said, just let me fucking fade back a little bit. | ||
| I'll fade back a little bit. | ||
| Were you around for the vibrating bed with the quarter? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I never saw that. | ||
| I thought that was a trope. | ||
| No, I never saw it. | ||
| I got on one of those ones just to feel it. | ||
| I put the quarter in by myself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just... | |
| Yeah, I got it as a kid. | ||
| My mom would put them in for us. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| Michael J. Fox hated it. | ||
| Some places you would go and they would have the spinning bed of a circular bed and it spun. | ||
| That was like the honeymoon suite. | ||
| Like in the 1970s, there was a house that was for sale that... | ||
| Who had it? | ||
| Will Chamberlain? | ||
| Let's stay in one position and look at different walls. | ||
| I think Will Chamberlain had this fuckhouse that was for sale in the Hollywood Hills, and it was just, like, all decked out just for fucking. | ||
| Like, he had a whole room with, like, mirrors and a circular bed. | ||
| Last thing I wanted was a mirror when I'm fucking. | ||
| Holy shit, I'll take you out of it. | ||
| Agreed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you catch a glimpse of yourself, you're like, oh my god. | |
| It looks insane. | ||
| When I'm on top of a woman, it looks fucking insane. | ||
| My back is too curved. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, this is Will Chamberlain's house. | ||
| Is that a waterbed? | ||
| It's wall to wall bed. | ||
| Yeah, it's all bed. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| He was just banging. | ||
| I bet that's crunchy as shit though. | ||
| If you got one of them black lights and ran it through that room, it would look like a Jackson Pollock painting. | ||
| That's what I call Will Chamberlain. | ||
| Jizz everywhere. | ||
| Black light. | ||
| But, Lisa Ann said John Sally had the biggest dong she'd ever seen. | ||
| Well, look at the size of him. | ||
| Yeah, but you never know. | ||
| He's gigantic. | ||
| John Sally's got to be close to seven feet tall, right? | ||
| 6'9", 6'10"? | ||
| Still tall, but... | ||
| Of course he's got a giant dick. | ||
| Even if he had an average dick for his size, it'd be gigantic. | ||
| I heard Shaq is very underwhelming. | ||
| Underwhelming? | ||
| What? | ||
| How's that possible? | ||
| That's what I've heard. | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| I know a lady. | ||
| His hands are as big as his table. | ||
| How is it possible? | ||
| I think he just looks... | ||
| You know a lady? | ||
| I know a lady. | ||
| That saw Shaq's dick. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And she said... | ||
| In college. | ||
| Fine. | ||
| I don't know if this should be out there, but... | ||
| At LSU, he's still coming into his own. | ||
| I think, and into her, but I think you expect a fucking anaconda, and then when it's just proportionate, you're like, meh. | ||
| But you also have to deal with a girl who, like, I fuck Shaq, he ain't shit. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Lying. | ||
| Bragging. | ||
| They do that to me all the time. | ||
| Every one of them a negative review. | ||
| They're just trying to get at me. | ||
| Thank God there's no fuck yelp. | ||
| That'd be bad. | ||
| Felp. | ||
| Felp. | ||
| They had a review for teachers, and I felt like they should always have to put their grades in before they review. | ||
| Rate my professor. | ||
| Yeah, like, oh, you don't like a D? What did you get? | ||
| Oh, a D? And you don't like him? | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Strange. | ||
| We were talking yesterday about how hotels, you get in trouble for smoking, but you can jizz everywhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't it a weird system? | ||
| Well, you don't get secondhand jizz, that's why. | ||
| What are you kidding? | ||
| It's all over the drapes. | ||
| But it doesn't, like, get in your lungs? | ||
| Ah, well. | ||
| Yeah, next tenant. | ||
| See what I'm saying? | ||
| I hear ya. | ||
| But what would you rather, a guy blow smoke in your face or jizz in your face? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Smoke. | |
| Why do I have to choose? | ||
| Definitely smoke. | ||
| It's a tough choice. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm saying, can we get both? | ||
| Aren't we here to party? | ||
| Why are you guys pausing? | ||
| It's definitely smoke. | ||
| The answer is smoke. | ||
| It's certainly smoke. | ||
| Which guy, though? | ||
| Ah, John Sally. | ||
| John Stamos? | ||
| I'm taking it. | ||
| You take a hot one in the face? | ||
| Oh, from Stamos. | ||
| Stamos is your guy? | ||
| Greek yogurt. | ||
| I'd switch in a second for Stamos. | ||
| You would trade lives with John Stamos? | ||
| No. | ||
| I would trade with genders. | ||
| You'd gotta be you. | ||
| You'd switch genders? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just to be with him. | ||
| Well, in a lot of prisons, you can do that now. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| What a fun trick. | ||
| Who would not do it? | ||
| What dumb fucks in prison are not going to the- Is that your guy? | ||
| Full head of hair. | ||
| He's like 70 years old now, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Looks great. | ||
| Yeah, he's a fucking hunk. | ||
| Is he married? | ||
| Yeah, married. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kids. | |
| Man, he's handsome. | ||
| Beautiful guy. | ||
| Beautiful man. | ||
| Hey, I got one. | ||
| Bring up that guy in White Lotus's dick from season two. | ||
| Take a little head of that. | ||
| What was that about? | ||
| Don't be scared. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Don't be scared. | ||
| Just a little puff. | ||
| Try not to be so scared. | ||
| Come get me later. | ||
| Try not to be so scared. | ||
| Two hours in. | ||
| Let me see how I'm doing. | ||
| If I'm slacking, I'm fired up. | ||
| 345. That's too heavy, dude. | ||
| We got a full five hours to go here. | ||
| We'll see when the fun guy kicks in. | ||
| We're all fun guys. | ||
| That was good, dude. | ||
| That was Mark Norman-like. | ||
| Hey, welcome, Jew. | ||
| Good special, by the way. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| Thank you, everybody. | ||
| Congratulations again. | ||
| Your special's at 4.1 now? | ||
| 4.5 million in four weeks. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Great, we can hang out with you again. | ||
| Have you ever seen a change? | ||
| I've never seen a change in personality like this. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| The pop when you got on stage last night was extraordinary. | ||
| That's a lot of people having seen it and, I guess, enjoying it. | ||
| Well, all the people last night are comedy fans. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So you gotta assume those people have probably all seen it. | ||
| Some of them. | ||
| The couple to the right. | ||
| The couple to the right. | ||
| We thought this was a bar. | ||
| No, you're full of shit, man. | ||
| You tried to pretend you didn't have a good set last night. | ||
| It was fine. | ||
| You had a great set. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was good. | |
| You just have high standards. | ||
| Last one was better. | ||
| No, those chicks to the right were... | ||
| Chicks to the right. | ||
| They were tough. | ||
| They were nothing. | ||
| You couldn't look at them. | ||
| They were just like... | ||
| There's a chick to the right that just the whole show. | ||
| She looked like a lesbian in Scooby-Doo. | ||
| What's the last minute Scooby do? | ||
| Velma. | ||
| Do you guys still concentrate on people in the audience that aren't laughing? | ||
| You just notice them. | ||
| Especially when it's 20 in one group, just sitting there. | ||
| That's why it's good to go on stage high. | ||
| You're throwing your own little head. | ||
| That's how we work. | ||
| One guy's not laughing, and you're killing. | ||
| You focus on that guy. | ||
| Nick DePaul used to yell at people, and they did that. | ||
| Fucked your problem. | ||
| Used to. | ||
| Look at this fucking guy. | ||
| Used to. | ||
| I'm sure he still does. | ||
| Look at these cunts over here. | ||
| What country are you from, you motherfucker? | ||
| He could be fucking killing, and if one person wasn't paying attention, he'd be so fucking mad. | ||
| Pick a fight. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Do you hear about the story when a guy was on his phone? | ||
| It was flip phone days, and he took the phone and put it in his Diet Coke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Ballsy. | ||
| You've got to be able to fist fight if you do that. | ||
| Yeah, because that doesn't work after that. | ||
| It's not like an iPhone. | ||
| iPhones weren't waterproof until like three years ago. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I used to wet the bed. | ||
| I peed on a lot of roads. | ||
| Would you ruin a phone with your piss? | ||
| Nowadays, if it was in your pocket overnight, you definitely would ruin it. | ||
| Rice had no chance. | ||
| You used to be able to send your iPhone to a company and they would waterproof it. | ||
| They would dunk it or spray it in some kind of plastic and waterproof all the stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was that shit again? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Chloroform or something? | ||
| It was like, they froze him. | ||
| Carbon. | ||
| Some carbon. | ||
| Carbonite. | ||
| Carbonite. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe that was it. | ||
| Yeah, and then they thawed him out for the sequel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Turns out he's not dead. | ||
| Well, he wasn't, remember? | ||
| What's the guy Luke? | ||
| Kylo Ren killed him. | ||
| What's Luke's thing? | ||
| He was in a Burt's movie. | ||
| Luke Skywalker. | ||
| Mark Norman? | ||
| Mark Hammond. | ||
| We're off. | ||
| We're off to a hot start again. | ||
| I missed it. | ||
| Did you have a stinker? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm just shitting on Star Wars. | ||
| Yeah, Mark Hamill got in a crazy motorcycle accident between Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi. | ||
| Was it a car accident or a motorcycle accident? | ||
| I think it was a motorcycle. | ||
| That's why his face is a little banged up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| Pull it up! | ||
| I think it was a car accident, but yeah. | ||
| Oh, maybe it was a car. | ||
| Was it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Ah, shit. | ||
| Yeah, he wrecked his face, right? | ||
| Like, you look different. | ||
| Oh, he looked real bad. | ||
| Look at Leno. | ||
| He looks great. | ||
| Jay Leno taking pictures with nurse staff. | ||
| You're like, I'm disformed. | ||
| How bad does it look? | ||
| How bad is Leno's scars? | ||
| He's fine. | ||
| He looks like an allergic reaction. | ||
| He's already on stage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was on stage at Comedy and Magic Club the other night. | ||
| Arsenio Hall tweeted about it. | ||
| I heard his set was fire. | ||
| I'll see myself out. | ||
| How old do you have to be where you can't say fire anymore? | ||
| Look at where he goes. | ||
| Oh, so he's got some, like, peeling skin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| I thought that was Dolezal. | ||
| So that's him in the hospital with the peeling skin. | ||
| The denim! | ||
| What is with the denim? | ||
| And he's got every pocket full. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| That's a guy who literally doesn't give a fuck what he looks like. | ||
| You're telling me! | ||
| Cuts his hair. | ||
| He's never worked out a day in his life. | ||
| He just likes working on cars. | ||
| Full head of hair, though. | ||
| By the way, never been happier. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| He's a fucking different human being, man. | ||
| Now that he's not on the show? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| This is what he loves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
| He was burnt up, man. | ||
| His hands were all fucked up. | ||
| His face all fucked up. | ||
| Oh, looks like a fucking addict. | ||
| He does. | ||
| He looks like a crazy homeless crack guy under a bridge. | ||
| He does look like Austin. | ||
| In the window, somebody's gotta put, come to Austin. | ||
| He fits in an LA skid row. | ||
| That guy has 11 warehouses filled with cars. | ||
| You've never seen anything like it in your life. | ||
| What a crazy thing to collect. | ||
| Like, that's gonna be your collection. | ||
| That's what he loves, though. | ||
| Automobiles. | ||
| That's why his show's so good. | ||
| It's like, everybody's got a thing that they really like. | ||
| And that guy, it's fucking cars. | ||
| If you go on his show, you go, oh, you should've been doing this the whole time. | ||
| Everybody would have had a completely different opinion of Jay Leno. | ||
| Because they thought he was this mild, sort of bland talk show host. | ||
| He was a very nice guy. | ||
| Good joke writer. | ||
| And you'd always hear legends about back in the day when he was a stand-up. | ||
| He was the murderer. | ||
| A lot of people said he was the second best comic behind Pryor. | ||
| Leto? | ||
| Everybody said he was a fucking straight-up killer. | ||
| And he always wanted that Tonight Show. | ||
| That was, in our, you know, before our time, well, my time, I'm the oldest, right? | ||
| So it's like, even before my time, what everybody wanted was that Tonight Show. | ||
| They wanted, if you could be the host of the Tonight Show, they knew that Johnny Carter, or Johnny... | ||
| Carson. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Carson. | |
| Oh boy, dementia's kicking in. | ||
| Johnny Carson was the... | ||
| Senility. | ||
| He was the guy. | ||
| One day we'll kick in. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah, it's a bummer. | ||
| Yeah, I'm 55. One day I'll be like 80, and it won't work so good. | ||
| It'll be a smooth transition. | ||
| It'll be nuts. | ||
| Pretty smart 80-year-olds on the podcast. | ||
| You know, I think you tend some people to get lucky. | ||
| I think it's a roll of the dice. | ||
| I smoke too much weed. | ||
| I'm not going to make it. | ||
| And you know once you get dementia, they'll be like, it's because you didn't take the vaccine. | ||
| They'll be waiting. | ||
| They'll be waiting. | ||
| Back in the 20s, you should have been boosted. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| But you can just keep talking about aliens and elk and no one will notice. | ||
| It'll go right in. | ||
| It's going to be better. | ||
| If it gets bad... | ||
| If you're talking about Sasquatch and aliens while you're dementia... | ||
| That's gold. | ||
| I met Sasquatch was on this show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've had guys on the show that said they saw Sasquatch. | |
| There's a lot of flat earthers too. | ||
| It's weird how many flat earthers are. | ||
| There's a lot out there. | ||
| There's a lot out there. | ||
| Kyrie Irving was a well-known flat-earther. | ||
| Yeah, he was. | ||
| But he bailed on that. | ||
| That's why he should get a pass. | ||
| He should get a pass on any other theory he has. | ||
| It's like, guys, that's what he's into. | ||
| Wild stories. | ||
| Do you guys understand how crazy what he did was? | ||
| I talked about it already before in a podcast, but he posted a link to a video. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Don't say this is awesome. | ||
| Didn't say this is terrible. | ||
| He got a five-game suspension, a bunch of other things, but the fucking video is still for sale on Amazon. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| No one cares that it's actually out. | ||
| It's not like it's hidden. | ||
| No one's upset that they're selling it on Amazon for $40. | ||
| It's all narrative shit. | ||
| It's all narrative. | ||
| They made a narrative that they don't look into it. | ||
| This is the narrative that's anti-Semitic. | ||
| This is the new thing. | ||
| The new thing is if someone is anti-Semitic, man, they just come for you. | ||
| This is the new thing. | ||
| This is the latest, like, clear, no suppression. | ||
| Yeah, they're not going to beat you up, but someone they know runs the media. | ||
| If there's a thing, though, like, there's a thing that's in the news. | ||
| You said it, brother. | ||
| There's a thing that's in the news you can't deviate from. | ||
| Right now, that thing is anti-Semitism. | ||
| If you express anti-Semitism, which, dude, it's like you hired him to say crazy shit. | ||
| Because if you think about it, the anti-Semitism comes out, all this fucking heat, Kanye gets canceled! | ||
| People are searching the word Jew. | ||
| Who would have thought they could cancel Kanye? | ||
| Who would have thought they could remove his position with Balenciaga and Adidas and all that stuff? | ||
| See Balenciaga? | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| But it's crazy. | ||
| But all this happens, and then you put out Jew. | ||
| It was amazing! | ||
| You and Ronnie Chang. | ||
| He came out during the Asian hate stuff. | ||
| He was pre-Asian hate. | ||
| They weren't really hating on Asians. | ||
| I still hate him. | ||
| Because Ronnie was big before the pandemic. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That special was before the pandemic. | ||
| That's a great fucking special, by the way. | ||
| He's a funny guy. | ||
| He's a classic example. | ||
| Ronnie is a classic example of a guy who has his own personality on stage. | ||
| No one's doing what that guy's doing on stage. | ||
| The way he does it, it's one... | ||
| The anger with that accent. | ||
| And it's his personality. | ||
| Like, you get into his mind and his vibe, and he just takes you on a ride. | ||
| He really keeps it roost out there. | ||
| Ah! | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| Can I get that lighter? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| One, two, three, go. | ||
| Can we talk about Ari's change? | ||
| He's happy now. | ||
| I mean, you put this special, it's changing your life. | ||
| But that's when it was fucking him up. | ||
| You were such a little baby earlier. | ||
| Big nose. | ||
| I said, let me get my dog. | ||
| It's hard when everybody's doing well. | ||
| It's hard, and shit's not going well for you, it's hard. | ||
| It's going quite well now. | ||
| People haven't watched the intros, I'm very happy. | ||
| You're killing it! | ||
| You did it all the right way, too, and you took a bet on yourself, and you fucking won. | ||
| Four and a half million views in fucking less than a month. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| I told you it's gonna reach eight. | ||
| It's literally un-fucking-believable. | ||
| And it's about a niche topic. | ||
| Never thought that would happen. | ||
| About a group that people hate. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| No one saw this coming. | ||
| No one. | ||
| No one saw your success coming. | ||
| I mean, this is fucking unbelievable. | ||
| Yeah, people are like, how do you think it's going to do it? | ||
| I'm like, I don't know. | ||
| I thought 20k. | ||
| I thought there's no way. | ||
| I told him 8 million. | ||
| He told me 8 million. | ||
| I told him 6 million. | ||
| And he goes, no, I think 8. I'm like, you're missing the joke. | ||
| And now he's stuck. | ||
| I'm going, so guys, if you're watching, Just get it to six million and prove Joe Rogan wrong. | ||
| Everybody watch right now. | ||
| Joe doesn't believe it's six million. | ||
| Joe on YouTube. | ||
| Joe does not believe in the six million. | ||
| And black and gay were in there, by the way. | ||
| I didn't get the Holocaust joke until right now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Literally. | ||
| I'm so done. | ||
| When you said just get it to six million, I'm like, ah, he's selling himself short. | ||
| I didn't really think he'd make it to eight. | ||
| I was so literal. | ||
| I texted him. | ||
| I was like, Joe, instead of... | ||
| Six weeks and eight million. | ||
| Why don't you reverse those? | ||
| He goes, no, I believe it'll be eight million. | ||
| I'm like, I said, Joe, pretend like you're a comedian for a second and look at my numbers. | ||
| I didn't get the reference. | ||
| I didn't get the reference. | ||
| You know Big Jay's old joke? | ||
| You know they have that bread, it's called a challah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like, I used to go in the deli and go, how much does the challah cost? | ||
| Come on! | ||
| That's cute! | ||
| It's crazy how that's the topic du jour right now. | ||
| Yeah, we pick a group every couple months. | ||
| It is crazy. | ||
| Everyone has to change their Facebook avatar. | ||
| It's just this wave of groupthink that goes across the country. | ||
| I think white men are next. | ||
| We'll get some buzz. | ||
| No, probably not. | ||
| We're fucked. | ||
| We have plenty of advantages. | ||
| Just leave it at that. | ||
| Yeah, huge dicks. | ||
| It's like being a rich guy and wanting birthday presents. | ||
| Great dancers. | ||
| Can I say about Kanye West, though? | ||
| People don't take into account. | ||
| Spicy food. | ||
| Black Skinhead was one of the greatest songs of all time. | ||
| The beat that comes on at the beginning of that is so fucking good. | ||
| He's fucking sensational. | ||
| He's a talent. | ||
| Let's play some of that. | ||
| Play some Black Skinhead. | ||
| Just from second one. | ||
| Maybe Kanye can sue Spotify, get some money back. | ||
| Don't put up the long YouTube version, just the Spotify version. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's, I mean, look, he's a brilliant artist. | ||
| Brilliant artist. | ||
| Stay off Twitter. | ||
| He doesn't read, right? | ||
| That's part of the problem. | ||
| And also, he's... | ||
| Not a Jew. | ||
| He openly talks about it. | ||
| He doesn't read books. | ||
| But his style of talking is like his style of performance, which is so unbelievable, overpowering, stream of consciousness, beautiful lyric, bang, bang, bang. | ||
| But he was dominating it, right? | ||
| Well, he tries to do that with conversations. | ||
| And when you do that, you know as well as I do when you're just talking wild. | ||
| You say shit, and then you gotta like... | ||
| You go, what? | ||
| Do you defend it? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Do you double down? | ||
| You're not gonna back down. | ||
| Do you double down? | ||
| And maybe you're saying some stuff that you heard some other influential person say. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's so fucking good. | ||
| Oh, is it all good? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Bro, he's got banger after banger. | ||
| Banger after banger. | ||
| All of his albums are legit. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| He's a concert on Amazon. | ||
| Watch it. | ||
| It's fucking incredible. | ||
| Easy, Kyrie. | ||
| When he had the whole Tron outfit, he's a real artist. | ||
| He just walked off the Tim Pool show. | ||
| Walked off the Tim Pool show. | ||
| They were talking about anti-Semitism and he just got up. | ||
| His squad's wild. | ||
| But why did he? | ||
| I don't understand what happened. | ||
| His squad is wild. | ||
| His squad? | ||
| His squad, dude. | ||
| It's him, Milo, and the other guy. | ||
| What? | ||
| They're together? | ||
| They're chilling, dude. | ||
| Tim Pool? | ||
| Whoa No Kanye On a private jet What I love that On a private jet He didn't put respect on the name So he was like And got out of there It is a It's a fascinating turn of events This is a weird time. | ||
| It's the weirdest time ever because to see Kanye like now he's saying like they're freezing his bank accounts and the FBI wants 75 million from Don't fuck with us. | ||
| Who's the last guy? | ||
| The FBI froze 75 million and they say he owes 50, which is like, if he owes 50, why'd you free 75? | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I don't understand any of it, but he's got to be still worth hundreds of millions of dollars. | ||
| When he said in the beginning, I'm going DEFCON or DEFCON, whatever, on the Jews, I'm positive, I'm firing my agents. | ||
| I'm positive that's what he meant. | ||
| I don't think that's what he meant. | ||
| I think it is. | ||
| I think he wants to kill you guys. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Well, he's not doing it. | ||
| Who's the twink on the left? | ||
| Is that Dan Bolger? | ||
| Who is that? | ||
| It looks like Dan Bolger. | ||
| That's the new booker for the Comedy Store. | ||
| Is that Milo? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, it's Milo. | ||
| Is he reading the Torah? | ||
| He's reading the Bible. | ||
| He's got a Coke sprung up his nose. | ||
| Milo's straight now. | ||
| Milo's straight now. | ||
| He came back into the closet. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| I think he prayed to God and he's straight. | ||
| Oh, and he's got his, uh, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is true. | |
| He's holding the Bible all the time. | ||
| He's got the fuck Ari hat. | ||
| That's gotta be a calendar. | ||
| He's like organized. | ||
| No, that's a Bible. | ||
| That's a Bible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You see the thing at the bottom? | ||
| That's how he stays straight. | ||
| That's how he stays straight. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow, Old Testament. | ||
| So is that for the photo? | ||
| I mean, Milo is a troll. | ||
| Milo is the troll. | ||
| He was a great, great, great troll back in his day. | ||
| And he was the first guy that removed him. | ||
| Everybody was happy. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta remove him. | ||
| And once you start doing shit like that, it just gets slippery and slippery. | ||
| And you just keep going further down the line. | ||
| What'd you say about ivermectin? | ||
| You're gone. | ||
| What'd you say about Ukraine? | ||
| You're gone. | ||
| What'd you say about this? | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| He was the first one. | ||
| They took away his ability to make a living. | ||
| He was super popular, man. | ||
| These crypto guys are dying. | ||
| Well, isn't he Jewish? | ||
| What the fuck are you at? | ||
| Milo? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| No, Greek. | ||
| Yeah, he's a big green. | ||
| I thought he was Jewish. | ||
| Big Greek gay. | ||
| He's married to a black. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| Black man. | ||
| No more, he prayed. | ||
| Was he Christian? | ||
| He wasn't Jewish? | ||
| He's everything they should love. | ||
| It was an amazing place to be. | ||
| To be a gay conservative who's a witty guy, who's very funny. | ||
| Way to fill a void. | ||
| Are we talking Tim Dillon? | ||
| He would just go to college campuses and just anger people. | ||
| When Bill Maher had him on that show, he said to him, you remind me of Hitchens. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And everybody's like, what is he saying? | ||
| It's true. | ||
| There was a moment where people were saying, like, this is this rabble-rouser, really smart, gay Republican guy who's hilarious. | ||
| He's for sure a rabble-rouser. | ||
| Roman Catholic, let's go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Roman Catholic. | |
| We're the best, dude. | ||
| Nice, congrats. | ||
| We got one. | ||
| Foreskin. | ||
| We're the best, dude. | ||
| You see these crypto guys are dying? | ||
| Joe Biden. | ||
| That's the second one that's died mysteriously. | ||
| Is that what's happening? | ||
| Yeah, so they're next. | ||
| They're taking out crypto guys? | ||
| Give it a goog, JMO. How about these people that put all that money in FTX and now they say that they hired someone to hunt this guy down to find him? | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| I don't know what anything is. | ||
| Larry David's very confused. | ||
| You don't know what this FTX thing is? | ||
| I heard about it. | ||
| I have no idea what it is. | ||
| It's a channel. | ||
| It's where he used to have Louie before he showed his dick. | ||
| Crypto founder. | ||
| 30! | ||
| Unexpected! | ||
| I mean, come on! | ||
| It's all coming to light. | ||
| What is the cause of death? | ||
| What's the cause of death? | ||
| He tried to be trafficked, didn't he? | ||
| Does it say why? | ||
| No, they won't let you know. | ||
| It's Epstein. | ||
| Died in his sleep. | ||
| Died in his sleep. | ||
| 30-year-olds always died in his sleep. | ||
| Who the fuck dies in his sleep? | ||
| Look how healthy he looks, too. | ||
| He's hot. | ||
| Yeah, look, he's all thin and healthy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 30 years old, dies in his sleep. | ||
| Fentanyl? | ||
| You think maybe fentanyl? | ||
| There's a new one with the helicopter crash there. | ||
| It could be. | ||
| It certainly could be. | ||
| That's the kind of shit they cover up. | ||
|
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|
Fentanyl? | |
| Nobody wants to say their kid died of a drug, so they just go, he died in his sleep. | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| Well, they've been actually, it's like the numbers are so high. | ||
| Yeah, but if you're a fucking billionaire, you're not dying of fentanyl. | ||
| Yeah, you are. | ||
| Yeah, you're getting high and you're going crazy. | ||
| Yeah, but they get good coke. | ||
| Yeah, usually, usually, but someone's like, I'm breaking it out of the glass pocket. | ||
| You're partying. | ||
| Look, look! | ||
| Another guy, Russian billionaire, the third top cryptocurrency trader to die suddenly in recent weeks. | ||
| You think that's a new wife or the original wife? | ||
| That's the up, 2.0. | ||
| That's a great wife. | ||
| That's the step up. | ||
| Very lovely lady. | ||
|
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|
Damn. | |
| She looks good. | ||
| Hotter wife than Trump's. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's a disaster. | ||
| He's fucking dead. | ||
| He's dead now. | ||
| Dunzo. | ||
| Kobe. | ||
| 53 and barely hanging on with a bombshell. | ||
| I don't want to make fun of a guy for dying, dude. | ||
| I don't want to make fun of a guy for dying in a helicopter crash. | ||
| That would be uncouth. | ||
| Untoward. | ||
| Who died in a helicopter crash? | ||
| That guy did? | ||
| No, I thought he died suddenly. | ||
| No, this other guy was helicopter crash. | ||
| Helicopter crash pretty quick. | ||
| He was a helicopter crash? | ||
| He'll crawl out of that. | ||
| I liked you when you were depressed. | ||
| Now you don't return calls. | ||
| You don't return calls. | ||
| My ratio of blues to whites in that thread is staggering. | ||
| Fuck that, dude. | ||
| Blues to whites. | ||
| Whites always win. | ||
| You don't use the dark screen for your text messages? | ||
| What are you, a savage? | ||
| What's a dark screen? | ||
| We can go dark mode. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Blackface? | ||
| So that means when your texts show up, they look cool. | ||
| Like, look, here's when you send me a text, I'll show what it looks like. | ||
| Dark mode. | ||
| Like that. | ||
| Yeah, but look at your blues. | ||
| Yeah, blues, but it's still white text. | ||
| Blues to black. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a dark gray. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| That's exciting. | ||
| Better. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| I can't wait to get drunk and turn this thing up. | ||
| We're getting lit up already. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| We had a hard workout last night. | ||
| We all got a little excited. | ||
| We got a little lit up. | ||
| I didn't even realize it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I got excited. | ||
| I was like, the band's back. | ||
| Yeah, baby! | ||
| You know what's a fun thing to do when you're listening to this podcast is click forward in two hours. | ||
| Yeah, I would always say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's really funny to listen to the beginning and then just click two hours in. | |
| It's like, put on R, Kelly! | ||
| Put on R! Just to tell you what this FTX thing is, they had this cryptocurrency, and then they had this thing called tokens. | ||
| It's very difficult to explain all of it. | ||
| But the tokens weren't really backed up by anything. | ||
| It's basically a Ponzi scheme. | ||
| Well, this guy was in competition with another guy who ran another cryptocurrency exchange, and this guy decided to fuck that guy and dump all of his tokens. | ||
| So he sold all of his tokens, crashed the market, and then people started trying to pull their money out, and they realized there's not enough money. | ||
| The whole thing falls apart. | ||
| This is a very meathead, non-economist version of it, and I apologize for being uneducated about this. | ||
| But that's what happened. | ||
| And so this guy went from being worth billions of dollars to like fucking nothing, like instantly, like within a week. | ||
| And now some Bitcoin people who lost a shitload of money because billions of dollars are lost. | ||
| Not only that, billions are missing. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| There's billions that they can't account for. | ||
| I gotta check my Coinbase app. | ||
| I used to have some money in here. | ||
| Also, some of it got moved to another company. | ||
| You could just crash everybody's currency like that. | ||
| Well, this is not real currency. | ||
| This is the point of all this. | ||
|
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|
Like George Soros. | |
| I had Giannis on, and Giannis was like, they're making it out of thin air, and then it goes away. | ||
| Of course it fucking went away. | ||
| It's not based on anything. | ||
| But people are using it to buy shit. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| But the dollar's not based on gold anymore or anything, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| But everybody has to agree. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everyone has to agree. | |
| And no one's agreeing with this. | ||
| Like, Bitcoin is a stable one. | ||
| What else is stable? | ||
| Ethereum? | ||
| US dollar? | ||
| Yeah, but this still is like... | ||
| This is more financial fuckery than it is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Ethereum's going up. | |
| Oh, alright. | ||
| I got some of that. | ||
| Crypto fuckery. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's more Bernie Madoff type Ponzi scheme shit... | ||
| I'm ruined. | ||
| ...than it is... | ||
| I'm absolutely ruined. | ||
| I lost about 90% of mine. | ||
| It's like if anybody can have a crypto, you can all make a crypto coin. | ||
| Well, then we got a whole weird situation. | ||
| It's not like now we have Bitcoin. | ||
| Oh, let's all use Bitcoin. | ||
| It's decentralized. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| But then now you have how many coins are there? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It was Bitcoin. | ||
| Now it's like Topps when Topps was the only trading card in town. | ||
| And then Don Riss and Fleer came in and was like, none of this is worth anything. | ||
| Those are way up, by the way. | ||
| Tops? | ||
| Yeah, we want tangible now. | ||
| Because everything in NFT and all that horse shit. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Fucking trading cards are up? | ||
| They're huge. | ||
| Has the NFT really? | ||
| Huge. | ||
| The NFT thing made zero sense to me. | ||
| Made no sense. | ||
| Died in a helicopter. | ||
| It's not a real. | ||
| What made sense is like that Beeple thing that he made for us. | ||
| But that's not Ed. | ||
| But that's art. | ||
| That's a piece of art. | ||
| Actual art. | ||
| It's something there. | ||
| And it is. | ||
| You own it as an NFT if you got an NFT wallet. | ||
| It's still happening. | ||
| Even during all this crash. | ||
| Big stuff happening. | ||
| Say that again, Jamie? | ||
| During all this, Nike's launched a platform to sell some sort of NFT stuff. | ||
| It's still going strong. | ||
| Yeah, it's still happening. | ||
| Who's buying them? | ||
| Dorks. | ||
| Fucking idiots. | ||
| Twinks. | ||
| They were never really supposed to be worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. | ||
| That's kind of the thing. | ||
| It's supposed to be a useful thing. | ||
| Didn't you, Gonzo, make like a million dollars? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| There's a lot of people that made a bunch of money because there was a hype that people thought they could make, like Beanie Baby Run. | ||
| They thought they could make money off of this. | ||
| Pet rocks. | ||
| Anyone who was just greedy wanted to make money, but it's not necessarily the use that they were supposed to have. | ||
| Got it. | ||
| So the use they were supposed to have was just to make it so that someone has the intellectual rights to digital property. | ||
| And they could make money off of it if it was sold later. | ||
| It is a good way to protect artists. | ||
| And they have this in the UK. If you resell a painting, the artist gets paid again. | ||
| You can't sell something for 30 grand, have it sold seven years later for 200 million, and you're like, I get nothing? | ||
| That's good. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Yeah, Beanie Babies went through the shitter, too. | ||
| They did. | ||
| I wonder if they changed insurance on paintings. | ||
| You did great financial advice. | ||
| I saw the doc on it. | ||
| Trading cards, Beanie Babies. | ||
| What are you, a 5th grader? | ||
| Mark Norwood's my money guy. | ||
| He's like, ah, fucking Beanie Babies are tanking. | ||
| You want to find some Pokemon? | ||
| I gotcha. | ||
| What is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woah! | |
| Mushrooms? | ||
| Bag of Mushrooms? | ||
| J-Mo! | ||
| What were we just saying? | ||
| Beanie Babies? | ||
| Anti-Semites? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Ari's? | ||
| A diva? | ||
| Shit. | ||
| I used to love Beanie Babies when I was a kid. | ||
| I was a gay kid. | ||
| Protecting artists? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Gay kid. | ||
| It was like one of the last things I liked that was gay. | ||
| That is gay. | ||
| I was like old for liking Beanie Babies. | ||
| That was weird. | ||
| You liked Beanie Babies? | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| I could never buy them. | ||
| I never got them. | ||
| My friends had a bunch of them. | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| He stole them. | ||
| 20? | ||
| 5th? | ||
| 6th grade? | ||
| 6th grade? | ||
| That's way too old. | ||
| I never had him. | ||
| I would go to my friend's house and he had cool baby babies. | ||
| Makes sense though. | ||
| Who's his friend? | ||
| Milo? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up. | |
| It's a weird thing to keep as a 17 year old. | ||
| He was a 5th grader. | ||
| It was weird the same age. | ||
| Is he special needs? | ||
| No. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Dude, what are you talking about? | ||
| Beanie Babies were all the rage. | ||
| Not amongst boys. | ||
| Not amongst boys as much. | ||
| I don't really think they really were. | ||
| I liked the cool Beanie Babies, dude. | ||
| I'm not going to back down from this. | ||
| What was the coolest one? | ||
| What was your top collection? | ||
| It was a black bear. | ||
| Shut up! | ||
| A black bear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fun. | |
| Jamie, bring up the black bear Beanie Baby for me. | ||
| Boys could have dolls. | ||
| Tell me this thing is fucking cool, dude. | ||
| Boys could have dolls, but they had to be action figures. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| They had to inflict damage on people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They had a G.I. Joe with the Kung Fu grip. | ||
| That's a good bear. | ||
| That is cute. | ||
| Cute little bear. | ||
| You tell me you don't want that guy? | ||
| That's just a fucking stuffed animal. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| It's a beanie baby. | ||
| They're Asian, right? | ||
| When you were fifth grade, they had what? | ||
| Like, fucking wooden horses? | ||
| We had small Tauras. | ||
| In your fucking village. | ||
| I got a dreidel. | ||
| Out of season dreidels. | ||
| Who do you think read more religious texts? | ||
| You during your prime or Milo trying to fight off the gay? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I bet he's reading that same page over and over again. | ||
| He just can't get it? | ||
| What? | ||
| Now what? | ||
| You read a lot of religious stuff? | ||
| He was orthodox. | ||
| I was headed a certain way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| All I did was study all day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Yeshiva, day and night. | ||
| It didn't pay off though. | ||
| How long did it last? | ||
| Two solid years in Yeshiv. | ||
| Ex-gay Milo dramatically interprets Bible verses from Anti-LGBT Network's audiobook. | ||
| Oh, is he doing an album? | ||
| Boy, he still looks gay though, right? | ||
| He does look quite gay. | ||
| It's almost like you can't pray it away. | ||
| Well, it's like you. | ||
| You're never going to get rid of that face. | ||
| I mean, you're stuck with the Jew forever. | ||
| Yeah, I got the beak. | ||
| Yeah, you got propaganda face. | ||
| My special should be in 3D. Those pray the gay away things are always a bunch of gay guys, like hugging you from behind, getting boners, telling you you can fight it off. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| I read a whole story on that once where this guy infiltrated one of them to pray the gay things away, and he's like, what is going on here? | ||
| And he did a behind-the-scenes reporter thing, and this guy was hugging him, and he had a boner pressed against his back. | ||
| Because when you think about it, who's at an anti-gay camp? | ||
| All gays! | ||
| It's Chelsea! | ||
| Was it Bruno that went and did Ali G as Bruno? | ||
| He went to, I think, a pray-a-way. | ||
| That sounds like Bruno. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's so crazy that they still do that. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| They tell you you should just pray it away. | ||
| Yeah, why would you... | ||
| I mean, gay is good. | ||
| I would love to be gay. | ||
| Dude, it's one of the weirdest conversations I've ever had with people. | ||
| I've had a couple of them on here where I talk about gay stuff and, like, gay rights. | ||
| And I'm like, well, what do you expect a person to do if they're gay? | ||
| Well, there's a lot of things that you, you know, want to do that are sins. | ||
| I was like, so do you think that people are actually gay? | ||
| Do you think it's a choice? | ||
| A lot of people think it's a choice. | ||
| I'm like, this is just religious nonsense. | ||
| You really don't know any gay guys. | ||
| They're gay, and they're like us. | ||
| They're like us, but they want to fuck guys. | ||
| They're lying. | ||
| About being bi? | ||
| No, I'm Trump. | ||
| I want to see who would agree. | ||
| Yeah, this guy's great. | ||
| If you see Mateo Lane, you're not like, fight it. | ||
| You're gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're lost. | |
| Own it. | ||
| You're lost. | ||
| It's funny to want guys to fuck chicks. | ||
| It's funny to want that, to see Mateo and be like, damn, I wish you were fucking pussies. | ||
| I like you, man. | ||
| I wish you were fucking girls. | ||
| You want him on that side. | ||
| Imagine Richard Simmons saying, no, you got it wrong, Richard. | ||
| You're not gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| Imagine. | ||
| It is weird, though, just because you're like a dick. | ||
| You have to talk differently? | ||
| That's strange. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| The lisp is odd. | ||
| It's odd. | ||
| There's a lot of guys who don't. | ||
| Josh Zeps, my friend Josh Zeps. | ||
| Tim Dillon. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| A lot of guys are just like regular guys. | ||
| They're just gay. | ||
| And that's why it's nonsense to tell people that they can't do it. | ||
| They can't do what? | ||
| They can't be gay. | ||
| Or they can't get married. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| It's so fucking stupid. | ||
| And they want to say a marriage is only for procreation. | ||
| Says who? | ||
| It's a made up thing. | ||
| But then you go like, what about people who are barren? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I watched that conversation. | ||
| He said that before. | ||
| You watch it, you fucking thief. | ||
| He doesn't watch anything that's not him. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| He's too high on himself. | ||
| He doesn't take a fucking bait anymore. | ||
| Last time I made fun of him, he was like, Now he's like, yeah man. | ||
| Next time he's gonna be wearing a Rolex. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I should come in with a robe with that fucking leader of the world robe. | |
| One YouTube special. | ||
| You've changed. | ||
| He's gonna have a Rolex. | ||
| You don't even protect parks anymore. | ||
| I don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you should see my park. | |
| You're a goddamn Republican now. | ||
| Third rape happened at the park we didn't protect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| This is a dark fucking under construction place now. | ||
| So it's just construction. | ||
| The park is gone. | ||
| It's a rape haven. | ||
| If you're a rapist, head on down to the Eastern Park. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no. | |
| Also, what are you wearing under that? | ||
| You've got something plain. | ||
| You've got multiple layers. | ||
| How many layers of clothes do you have? | ||
| There's something underneath this. | ||
| Just a shirt I found at a thrift store, guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Better not be a Jew star. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Just a shirt I found at a thrift store. | ||
| Sorry, America. | ||
| America is full. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| It's Trump. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, with a bathrobe and a beer. | |
| He's got a tip hanging out. | ||
| Shitter's full. | ||
| Where did you get that? | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Guess where I got it. | ||
| Where? | ||
| Mexico. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| It's the greatest shirt ever made. | ||
| That's a great shirt. | ||
| It's in front of the print. | ||
| It fits like a glove. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah. | |
| I was wondering why you dress like that. | ||
| If I was buying that, my wife would be like, don't. | ||
| Don't buy that. | ||
| You're not wearing that. | ||
| I was gonna buy it for a liberal friend, and then I'm like, it's true. | ||
| I can wear it too. | ||
| This is so fucking fun and ironic. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| You're gonna fuck up a Christmas party in Brooklyn. | ||
| Sorry, America's full. | ||
| 600 pesos. | ||
| Isn't it funny how they have him in a bathrobe with a beer, but Trump is always wearing a suit, and he doesn't even drink? | ||
| He doesn't drink. | ||
| Thank God, he doesn't drink. | ||
| Oh, that's it. | ||
| Shit is full. | ||
| Oh, it's basically that. | ||
| Oh, it is that. | ||
| Shit is full. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great movie. | |
| Oh, that's even better. | ||
| Is he holding a hose as well? | ||
| No, it's the shitter hose. | ||
| Yeah, but is he holding it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't know what it was until your guys told me. | |
| I was like, what's the second level? | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| That's from Christmas Vacation, right? | ||
| Made in Mexico. | ||
| What a great fucking movie that was. | ||
| That movie holds up. | ||
| All of them do. | ||
| It's like a time machine, though. | ||
| It's like you couldn't even make a movie like that anymore. | ||
| No. | ||
| Just the way people behaved with each other and... | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But that guy was great, Hughes. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| I mean, you go to 2013 and movies are nuts. | ||
| Isn't he batshit now? | ||
| Yeah, he went crazy. | ||
| Yeah, he went a little rowdy. | ||
| He got a little rowdy. | ||
| He got interneted. | ||
| Is that what happened? | ||
| Yeah, he kept talking to people who don't know him. | ||
| He went nuts. | ||
| But I thought it was like some wacky conspiracies. | ||
| Yeah, but he went deeper because everyone was like, you're wrong. | ||
| He was like, fuck you! | ||
| Oh, they started arguing with him? | ||
| Is that what he looks like now? | ||
| Is that David Letterman? | ||
| He looks cool. | ||
| That looks like a guy I'd have on my podcast talking about aliens. | ||
| It's like a Duck Dynasty or something. | ||
| He'd be a guy, well, there's nine specific kinds of aliens that we've identified. | ||
| Directly at a star. | ||
| How the fuck did that happen? | ||
| Those guys always go too far. | ||
| They start off at a way deeper place, and you're like, well, don't get me started on Gritrothi. | ||
| And you're like, I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Randy Quaid taking into custody in Vermont, trying to cross the border into Canada. | ||
| That was 2015. Free Quaid. | ||
| Free Quaid. | ||
| Free my man Quaid. | ||
| He was a funny guy, though, man. | ||
| Yeah, he was great in that movie. | ||
| Really funny in movies. | ||
| Cousin Eddie. | ||
| That's fucking me up. | ||
| I couldn't remember his name in that. | ||
| Did you see what Jim Carrey just left Twitter and left the craziest note? | ||
| Why don't they ever just leave? | ||
| They always have to say to everybody, because they're still in the system. | ||
| They always have to say to everybody, look at me, I'm leaving. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Jim will find it. | ||
| Sam Harris left, too. | ||
| That's Jim Carrey? | ||
| Randy Quaid appalled Biden called him a Neanderthal. | ||
| Take out the most Neanderthal looking picture for this. | ||
| How did Biden get out the word Neanderthal? | ||
| I don't believe it. | ||
| As a native Texas appalled that our president called me a Neanderthal, 23andMe is verified I have no Neanderthal ancestry in my genetic code. | ||
| Take it seriously! | ||
| Not to say Neanderthal lives don't matter, just saying a lot of us Texans have grounds for a class action suit. | ||
| What a psycho. | ||
| He rules. | ||
| He's a fun guy. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| He's a Texan? | ||
| As a Texan, am I appalled? | ||
| I think Biden probably called Texans Neanderthals. | ||
| I think we need to stuff Randy up with some mushrooms and bring him in for a podcast. | ||
| Get him on here. | ||
| Oh, look at those glasses. | ||
| Look at them. | ||
| My plate's going wild, dude. | ||
| Those are nice. | ||
| Good looking dog. | ||
| Nice bitch. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Kingpin was gold. | ||
| Kingpin was gold. | ||
| I just saw that again. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| They're all so good in it. | ||
| Imagine trying to make a movie like that today. | ||
| Farrelly Brothers, yeah, with the Amish. | ||
| They were at the top of the game for a while. | ||
| So here he says... | ||
| I'm leaving Twitter, but first here's a cartoon I made with my friend Jimmy Hayward. | ||
| It's based on my painting of a crazy old lighthouse keeper standing naked in a storm, summoning the angels and shining his lamp to guide us through a treacherous night. | ||
| I love you all so much. | ||
| Oy vey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Okay, so he posts this thing which is like a lighthouse with like crazy lights and then it's a naked guy but you don't see his dong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seems healthy. | |
| Got the middle finger up. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Let's do the soup file. | ||
| Looks like McGregor now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| Good way to go out there, Kerry. | ||
| That's a funny way to go out, actually. | ||
| He never really tweets again. | ||
| Just that? | ||
| It's so bizarre. | ||
| So bizarre. | ||
| I love you all. | ||
| Here's this weird cartoon of a naked guy screaming in the rain. | ||
| Maybe we should edit that. | ||
| Let's get some of these beanie babies going again. | ||
| Let's fire this by, guys. | ||
| Let's start over. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fire it up, dude. | ||
| I have every Star Wars action figure. | ||
| That's pretty sick. | ||
| No, he doesn't. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| Boba Fett was a big one for me. | ||
| That was a hot item. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Use the real lighter. | ||
| That one's a bitch-ass lighter. | ||
| You see the thing I was saying about the monks? | ||
| Yeah, crazy. | ||
| They kicked all these monks out of the monastery because they were all high on meth. | ||
| There's always something. | ||
| Every monk in the Thai temple defrocked after testing positive for meth. | ||
| Every monk. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| She's got a mask on. | ||
| Outside. | ||
| That's a ton of meth! | ||
| That's monk meth? | ||
| I want to try that meth. | ||
| They're going off. | ||
| The brown, the white, the green. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| They never talk. | ||
| That's gotta be the hardest thing in the world. | ||
| They have a mouth of silence on meth. | ||
| They're meditating. | ||
| They were trying to, like, figure out how to meditate longer, and, well, we need some amphetamines up in this bitch. | ||
| But how do you not have a convo? | ||
| You ever done meth? | ||
| No. | ||
| No one shuts up. | ||
| Jamie, can you bring it... | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
50 cents a pill. | |
| That's 50 cents a meth pill. | ||
| It only costs 50 cents a pill. | ||
| 50 cents is nothing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I can get that cheaper in Mexico. | ||
| Yaba. | ||
| Sell for less than 50 cents. | ||
| Meth in Yaba can easily be found in every corner of Thailand. | ||
| Supply is up everywhere, and at this point, a tablet is cheaper than a beer, UNDOC's Jeffrey Douglas told Thai Inquirer. | ||
| Good time out there. | ||
| Last month, Hong Kong reportedly made its biggest ever seizure of meth, finding 1.8 metric tons of liquid meth hidden in cartons of coconut water en route for Australia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| How do they know? | ||
| Someone's a rat. | ||
| Authorities in August found two tons of meth hidden in marble tiles shipped from the Middle East to Sydney in what police describe as the largest ever seizure of illicit drugs in Australia. | ||
| Also in August, Mexican soldiers seized almost 1.5 tons of meth and 328 pounds of apparent powdered fentanyl at a checkpoint in the northern state of Sonora. | ||
| Did you know I'm a fucking 328 pounds of... | ||
| That'll kill everyone on this fucking planet. | ||
| I know, and meth makes you horny, so they must have been really plowing in the temple. | ||
| In July, more than 5,000 pounds of meth was found in a record-breaking seizure in Southern California. | ||
| Go back to the girl, like, in the top of the video, with her wearing that mask. | ||
| I don't even think she's outside. | ||
| I think she was outside. | ||
| No. | ||
| Greeny. | ||
| That's why she's wearing a mask. | ||
| It's just the light. | ||
| Just click on that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pause. | |
| How old is this? | ||
| We're going to look at this in the future. | ||
| How old is this? | ||
| Last week. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| 2022. Why are they still doing the masks? | ||
| No, this week. | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| Because they're crazy. | ||
| This back of my special is only at 4.1 million. | ||
| I've said it before. | ||
| I'll say it again. | ||
| That mask is a fucking Democrats MAGA hat. | ||
| That's what they're doing. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| The fact that she thinks she needs to wear the... | ||
| For sure that lady is boosted and tested and they're working on a television show. | ||
| I'd give her a boost. | ||
| I bet you would. | ||
| Very attractive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd give her a Johnson and Spall's. | |
| A little blood clot. | ||
| There's gonna be videos that we look at in the future. | ||
| There's gonna be videos that we look at in the future that we're gonna hear the mouth behind. | ||
| We're gonna go, what the fuck? | ||
| That time and place. | ||
| It'll really mark a time. | ||
| Is she L.A.? Oh yeah. | ||
| KCAL 9's L.A., right? | ||
| It's L.A. You gotta do it in L.A. Dude, in the bay, everyone's hiking with masks, wide alone. | ||
| It's just like they're still holding on to it. | ||
| It is a badge of honor. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| It's a masquerade. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| And if everybody else is doing it... | ||
| That was your best one. | ||
| That was a pretty good one. | ||
| If everybody's doing it, you feel like you have to do it or you're a piece of shit. | ||
| Like when we went to see Roger Waters, we had to wear masks. | ||
| Oh, it's so funny seeing Rogan going, I'll do this, but only because I got backstage. | ||
| Wait, you had to wear masks? | ||
| I would love to see you putting that thing on. | ||
| I made everybody put it on. | ||
| Put it on! | ||
| I was one of those guys. | ||
| Put your fucking mask on, bro! | ||
| But the guy who was the security guy there, I was talking, I'm like, what's going on? | ||
| He goes, it's just a way to let everybody know that you're a leftist. | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| That guy was great. | ||
| It's just a way to let everybody know you're a leftist. | ||
| I'm like, that is what it is. | ||
| We bought a bunch of blow on my bachelor party and we tested it for fentanyl. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I made them. | ||
| Aw, man, I would have loved that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was you? | |
| I made your test. | ||
| Oh, good call. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Unless you test all of it, how do you know? | ||
| You test one little chunk that doesn't have it. | ||
| It's not like there's a fucking even distribution of fentanyl in your show. | ||
| No, you can shake it up and test the bag. | ||
| Do we know that? | ||
| Is that how it works? | ||
| That's how you do it. | ||
| They're not making this stuff in the same places they make fucking... | ||
| Yeah, I know, but don't they mix it in together? | ||
| Yeah, no, you have tester kits. | ||
| They work. | ||
| Kids. | ||
| Always use tester kits. | ||
| Yes, use tester kits, but... | ||
| What I'm saying is if you're buying this stuff, you don't know how it's mixed. | ||
| You don't know if you're getting like one piece from one batch and one piece from another batch. | ||
| We scoop up a piece. | ||
| You just gotta let you lose your friends go first. | ||
| They're not making it the same place they make Tylenol. | ||
| No. | ||
| But still, you shake up the bag and then scoop the bag and test that. | ||
| Or you find the one person that you could live without. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| They go first. | ||
| You go here. | ||
| Do you want to bump? | ||
| All right, Tony. | ||
| Dude, I got 10 hits of acid once. | ||
| We should fight for legalization. | ||
| Jason Rouse is like, where'd you get it from? | ||
| I'm like, just some guy. | ||
| I don't test it. | ||
| He goes, want me to test for you? | ||
| I'm like, yeah, you can't. | ||
| So I gave him one, and he came back two hours later. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| I'm like, here's your tip. | ||
| Here's another one for later. | ||
| I mean, legalizing it would save everybody. | ||
| That would save everybody. | ||
| You could just get it from CVS. But there would definitely be people who died. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The question is, do more die from it being legal than die from it being illegal? | ||
| I mean, if cocaine's legal, that would be wild. | ||
| I'd break it out. | ||
| I'd do it. | ||
| It wouldn't be cut. | ||
| It would be cooked. | ||
| It would be pure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could make it. | ||
| It's not like it's expensive to make. | ||
| You just say, I mean, I don't know, but he's an expert. | ||
| I mean, it's expensive to make, but it's not like you can't sell it and make a profit, is my point. | ||
| Diaz said the only reason people overdose is because of the cut. | ||
| Because in the pure days, nobody OD'd on it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's what he says, and he's more of an expert than I am. | ||
| Fat Cokehead. | ||
| He knows things. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But it's one of those things where you're telling me I can have whiskey, but you're telling me I can't have pot. | ||
| You're telling me, you know, and then, well, pot, we're going to legalize pot? | ||
| What about mushrooms? | ||
| Oh, we're not ready for that yet. | ||
| Who are you? | ||
| Who are you? | ||
| Who the fuck are you? | ||
| I'm 55 years old. | ||
| Who was some other man my age to tell me what I can and can't do? | ||
| Shut the fuck up, dude. | ||
| Yeah, that's America, dude. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| I pay my taxes, bitch. | ||
| I'm a good citizen. | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
| This is nonsense. | ||
| It is kooky. | ||
| And if you let them do it with that, then they can do it with other shit. | ||
| Then they got you wearing a mask while you're on KTLA. What does other countries do? | ||
| Don't other countries allow heroin and shit? | ||
| Portugal dropped way... | ||
| What? | ||
| Decriminalized. | ||
| They decriminalized things. | ||
| They saw a much lower case of addictions, violence, crime drops. | ||
| You put the same money you were putting into fighting the crimes, fighting the drugs, you put that into rehab and therapy for the people who can handle it. | ||
| Oh, I like it. | ||
| Which is what we should do here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would try heroin in a second. | ||
| I would try heroin. | ||
| Safe heroin? | ||
| That's not going to help. | ||
| God, I want it so bad. | ||
| I just want to see what it's all about. | ||
| Safe, clean heroin. | ||
| Just a little snort. | ||
| Ooh, now we're talking. | ||
| Shut up, Mark. | ||
| You won't even eat that chocolate. | ||
| Yeah, Mark. | ||
| Well, I don't want to say I don't want to go full Michael Richards on here. | ||
| Go Michael Richards. | ||
| I've lost a few people to those pills, though. | ||
| Which pills? | ||
| Oxys. | ||
| The red pill? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Those are bad. | ||
| And no one cares about that. | ||
| It's like a huge epidemic. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Because the senator's wives are all doing them. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, so many people are doing them. | ||
| Oh, my back. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you're on. | ||
| Brett Favre's got a dick to it. | ||
| It's had to say, like, you guys gave me painkillers. | ||
| Now I can't stop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Help me out. | ||
| And if you had a mild dose every day, just a mild scooching through life with a little... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Favre's got a hug. | ||
| No, he doesn't. | ||
| Favre's got a hug. | ||
| Jamie, bring up Brett Favre's dick. | ||
| Don't put it on screen. | ||
| Put it for us. | ||
| He's got a real pig skin. | ||
| I promise you he doesn't. | ||
| It's a picture that went around. | ||
| Just Google it on your phone. | ||
| He was like one of the first dick pics ever. | ||
| Just do it on your phone so I don't have to see it. | ||
| No, show it. | ||
| Make Joe see it. | ||
| Tape his eyes open. | ||
| Eyes wide shot. | ||
| Yeah, I think he sent it to a comic. | ||
| What? | ||
| The girl who became a comic, yeah. | ||
| Quigley? | ||
| Oh, she became a comic after she saw his dick? | ||
| Isn't it funny that our dream is everyone's last-ditch effort on their way down? | ||
| It's like, they can't seem to get rid of those guys. | ||
| Maybe it'll be one of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Brett Favre's dick is minuscule. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Minuscule? | ||
| He's going to want to come on the podcast and defend himself. | ||
| That is not a football date. | ||
| He's like, listen, I was... | ||
| Oh, I feel great. | ||
| That's the one he was looking at at the top left on the radio. | ||
| He's like, listen, I was on pills. | ||
| I was really tired. | ||
| He's no pack. | ||
| I just got out of the shower. | ||
| By the way, dick size means nothing. | ||
| Brett Favre is the man. | ||
| Other than, you know, embezzling some money out of the state of Mississippi recently. | ||
| No, that rolled. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| That rolled. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| I think he made a lot of... | ||
| I think he... | ||
| He took housing from a lot of money. | ||
| Give me one of them pouches. | ||
| I'm still trying to figure out if I can... | ||
| Hey! | ||
| You fuck. | ||
| We better bring that cooler in here. | ||
| Every time I've tried to use one of these, I go... | ||
| Zim, it kills me. | ||
| It gets me all fucking pass-out. | ||
| You're going to have a jolt. | ||
| The taste of it is what gets me. | ||
| Let's think we got... | ||
| You got nicotine. | ||
| You got alcohol. | ||
| Yeah, this is how we get Zim. | ||
| Mushrooms, whiskey, cigars. | ||
| Mixing. | ||
| Mixing is the problem. | ||
| It's covered. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| You sound like a meth monk. | ||
| Those guys must be going wild. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're grinding their teeth while humming. | |
| Thanks, sir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Off the mic, folks. | ||
| Yeah, Brett Favre is the man, dude. | ||
| I forgive him for what he did in Mississippi. | ||
| So what did he do here? | ||
| Brett Favre got six million dollars in welfare funds for a volleyball stadium. | ||
| By the way, who wrote this article? | ||
| Pittman. | ||
| Anthony Pittman. | ||
| And William Pittman. | ||
| Absolutely his husband. | ||
| No, they look alike. | ||
| Maybe they're brothers. | ||
| Could be brothers. | ||
| Do you not want to... | ||
| Only gay dudes are trying to tear down Brett Favre. | ||
| Well, let's see what he said. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did he actually do? | |
| No, he took a bunch of money for whatever, and then he made a volleyball stadium for the college he went to. | ||
| Southern Miss. | ||
| Is that so wrong? | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| Did he know? | ||
| I think it was just a fund he put his name on. | ||
| I don't think he was embezzling it. | ||
| Imagine if you're a part of something, you don't know how they're running it, and then you find out they're taking welfare money, building the most frivolous bullshit thing. | ||
| People are starving to death and they're homeless. | ||
| Girls volleyball needs a stadium. | ||
| Yeah, but volleyball and my kid, this is a school. | ||
| We can get the money this way if we just sign a couple blinds. | ||
| I don't know enough about it. | ||
| About what the allegations are. | ||
| So let's just make up facts. | ||
| I feel like he was just barely associated with it. | ||
| He wasn't running it out there. | ||
| Of course he wasn't running it. | ||
| If you're in Mississippi and you're turning on Favre, you suck. | ||
| You suck. | ||
| The only thing he ever did wrong was giving up that free sack to that guy to set the record. | ||
| That was bullshit. | ||
| You ever hear him talk about how many concussions he's had? | ||
| No. | ||
| He talks like Biden. | ||
| Ooh, it's crazy. | ||
| The old gunslinger. | ||
| He said he's had like a hundred. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| CTE, no joke. | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| See, I know he talked about it recently. | ||
| He was a tough one. | ||
| There was an article recently about how many concussions he's had. | ||
| He said a thousand. | ||
| A thousand! | ||
| That's wrong. | ||
| In a radio interview, Favre estimated that he suffered from an astounding 1,000 concussions. | ||
| How do you know it's wrong? | ||
| Sounds like something Beetlejuice would say. | ||
| Okay, let's do the math. | ||
| Until recently, he believed he only suffered three concussions because that was the number of times he was knocked unconscious. | ||
| 50 a year? | ||
| Wow, that's a lot. | ||
| But dude, he's playing football all the time. | ||
| No, he didn't get a thousand. | ||
| No, he didn't get a thousand. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You guys understand? | ||
| A thousand concussions, he would be dead. | ||
| No. | ||
| Do you understand what a concussion actually is? | ||
| Do you know if you get punched in the body, you can get a concussion? | ||
| Oh boy, here we go. | ||
| No, literally. | ||
| You easily would. | ||
| You would die. | ||
| No, literally. | ||
| You would be concussed by that harsh statement. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ouch! | |
| You were around for leather helmets. | ||
| Man, you got funnier since this fucking thing came out, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| He's more loose! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's funny, Jim. | |
| He's back! | ||
| He's back! | ||
| Give me that big six million number and the Holocaust is forgiven. | ||
| Maybe I was wrong. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's not real. | ||
| Only he can say that. | ||
| It's a perfect time for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| This is your time, Ari. | ||
| You're having a moment. | ||
| Common misconceptions about concussions. | ||
| Concussions require head trauma. | ||
| While severe blow to the head will often result in a concussion, it's not a requirement for the diagnosis. | ||
| A person can have a concussion by sudden acceleration or decelerated change of movement. | ||
| Most commonly, this is a whiplast motion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I think I got hit in an Uber. | ||
| I'll admit, a Lyft. | ||
| And somebody hit us from behind it. | ||
| Went like that. | ||
| The whole rest of the day. | ||
| You didn't want to say Lyft. | ||
| Yeah, it's cheap. | ||
| No more lift. | ||
| Lift's cheap. | ||
| Yeah, I'm doing better now that I have four million hits. | ||
| We'll throw a lift. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| But anyway, the whole rest of the day, I couldn't concentrate. | ||
| It was just like, it was cloudy. | ||
| Concussions can cause you to lose your memory. | ||
| It's possible to experience some memory deficits, particularly of the events leading up to a moment of concussion. | ||
| However, memory loss is not required for a diagnosis. | ||
| Now, if you just take into account how many times he collided with enormous men. | ||
| How many in one day can you have? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Super athletes. | |
| Can you have seven in a practice? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| In a three-hour practice? | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| You can. | ||
| Well, then maybe I believe it. | ||
| You 100% can sparring. | ||
| Seven concussions in a day? | ||
| I've been dinged up sparring and gone right back in with another. | ||
| We always used to do that. | ||
| We used to get rocked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If that's the case, I've had several concussions. | |
| I've had a lot of them. | ||
| I know I've had a lot of them. | ||
| I've never been knocked unconscious, but I got TKO'd in a kickboxing match, so that's definitely one. | ||
| Kick to the head? | ||
| No, it was a punch. | ||
| And then I got dropped to the left hook, then he finished me off with an uppercut after I got up. | ||
| And that is just one. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| But that's nothing compared to all the other times I got hit in just training. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He said, Brett Favre says, you get tackled and your head hits the turf. | ||
| You see flashes of light are ringing in your ears, but you're able to play. | ||
| That's a concussion. | ||
| Yeah, that's a concussion. | ||
| So based on that, he said, I've suffered thousands. | ||
| Had to be, because every time my head hit the turf, there was ringing or stars going, flashbulbs, but I was still able to play. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I admit I was wrong. | ||
| I'm a big man. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| And I'm able to admit that I was wrong. | ||
| Favre rules, and he's had over a thousand cuts. | ||
| Sorry I said his dick was minuscule. | ||
| It's a decent dick. | ||
| It's a fine penis. | ||
| We just didn't know you were supposed to harden it up. | ||
| It's an absolutely fine penis. | ||
| Imagine if every time you got punched, your dick shrank a little bit. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| That's my excuse. | ||
| Imagine that? | ||
| If you got punched your dick? | ||
| Yeah, every time you got punched. | ||
| Even if you win the fight. | ||
| You retire. | ||
| You start out with ten inches. | ||
| And every time you get ding, ding. | ||
| Quarter inch. | ||
| Yeah, you do a press conference. | ||
| How did you feel your performance was? | ||
| It was good. | ||
| I lost an eighth inch. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| I'm my dick, but I'm pretty happy. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's like, fuck, you've got to get better to get back in the game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Poor guy. | |
| How hard did he go down? | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| Look at him stiff arming this guy. | ||
| What a fucking warrior. | ||
| Helping girls volleyball. | ||
| Oh, bam. | ||
| You see his head go down. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And he's just holding it. | ||
| And his head just bounces off the ground. | ||
| And those helmets are supposed to protect you. | ||
| Got a face mask. | ||
| No, no, it doesn't really. | ||
| Oh my god, that's such a hard hit. | ||
| They did start protecting quarterbacks. | ||
| Oh, he holds his head. | ||
| Oh my god, look at him. | ||
| Make that thing full of pillows. | ||
| Yeah, it's not as bad as your skull hitting the ground, but the impact in the brain is the same. | ||
| It protects the skull, but the impact inside of the head is the same. | ||
| It's worse with the helmets. | ||
| With the leather helmets, they actually had less concussion. | ||
| Same with boxing gloves. | ||
| I used to think that too, but then I read this thing about rugby guys. | ||
| Those guys are getting fucking bad CTE. Back in the day, dudes would die. | ||
| No. | ||
| It was mostly whitey. | ||
| Yeah, whiteys kill each other. | ||
| Whiteys are kind of the best at killing. | ||
| Are you taking notes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| They kill the most people. | ||
| A lot of genocide. | ||
| The British, my God. | ||
| Stop doing this, dude. | ||
| It's a podcast. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| This is bad radio. | ||
| What are you doing, Ari? | ||
| Do you like me for real? | ||
| I'm telling you, he got funnier, dude. | ||
| He's never up to this, dude. | ||
| He's better. | ||
| All his jokes are like, I'm going to say something great. | ||
| Honestly, do you feel better? | ||
| I feel better getting this thing out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I got it out. | ||
| People are loving it, but I'm just like... | ||
| But you feel personally better. | ||
| You seem like you feel better. | ||
| You're lighter. | ||
| Yeah, it was an incompletion that I, you know... | ||
| And now you gotta ride it. | ||
| You gotta ride the wave because you can slope down again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you gotta keep it up. | ||
| I can see you going. | ||
| What was that, man? | ||
| No, I'm just saying, stay on the wave. | ||
| Don't talk to guys like that. | ||
| This could fall apart. | ||
| I hope you saved your money. | ||
| It could. | ||
| You've got to ride the wave, especially right now. | ||
| You're not going to leave for like a month or anything, are you? | ||
| Don't go to Thailand. | ||
| I am going for a few weeks. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I'm just going to get lost for a few weeks. | ||
| I'm riding the wave. | ||
| I just did a Joe Rogan episode. | ||
| Are you crying? | ||
| There goes your career. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you crying because you're so happy? | |
| No one deserves it less, honestly. | ||
| Hear, hear. | ||
| I can't believe it's working out for you. | ||
| I was in there trying to respond to comments and keep the thing going. | ||
| A lot of them was like, Joe keeps talking about this guy. | ||
| And I was like, finally, I'll give him a chance. | ||
| And I guess for once he was right. | ||
| For once? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It was a nasty thing to say to me and Mark. | ||
| Ouch. | ||
| I didn't know you would be like this. | ||
| What about the sex? | ||
| Is it better now that you have some money? | ||
| I got $22,000 on YouTube. | ||
| Is this sex better? | ||
| Now that you got some money. | ||
| Which isn't green. | ||
| Nah, it makes it worse. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| Poor fucking. | ||
| Poor fucking's great. | ||
| Poor fucking is the best. | ||
| Poor fucking's only great when you're not poor anymore. | ||
| When you look back, oh, that poor fucking was amazing. | ||
| When you're poor fucking, you're fucking, you're like, God, I hope I didn't get her pregnant. | ||
| What time is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am hungry. | |
| How much money do I have in the bank? | ||
| $5? | ||
| That chlamydia pill is not cheap either. | ||
| And a lot of stinky veg out there. | ||
| Also, you're happy, but you're not happy. | ||
| Because you're still trying to get to the thing. | ||
| The thing is, people get a little bit of success. | ||
| They go, oh, it was fun back in the day when I didn't know. | ||
| But it wasn't then. | ||
| It's only fun now. | ||
| It's like secondhand fun. | ||
| There's levels of fun. | ||
| Steve Brunello taught me this. | ||
| There's fun where it's fun while you're doing it, like a roller coaster, but you never talk about that. | ||
| Remember when we went on that roller coaster? | ||
| And there's certain things that fucking suck while you're doing them. | ||
| But then afterwards, they're fun to talk about. | ||
| They're fun for years. | ||
| I remember I used to open for Louie, and he'd be like, I would kill to be in your position, just running around, doing sets. | ||
| You know they're laughing at you because you're actually funny. | ||
| It's not because you're a celebrity. | ||
| And then when he got canceled, I was like, hey, you're back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he hung up. | |
| He didn't like that. | ||
| It is true, though. | ||
| You just have to focus on the good parts. | ||
| All those young comics are like, you should appreciate it. | ||
| There was some great times. | ||
| The problem with those young comics is we don't know if they're going to make it. | ||
| That's one of the scariest things about our business. | ||
| We are salmon going up that waterfall and there's a shit ton of bears up there. | ||
| Not all of us make it. | ||
| Most of us don't make it. | ||
| You got out of a bear's mouth. | ||
| I got right in the bear's mouth. | ||
| What's up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You guys been here? | |
| I got three bears out there right now. | ||
| Your people love salmon. | ||
| I fucking hate you Gus, dude. | ||
| If you don't get cancelled by the comedy community, if they're still fucking with you, you just get through it. | ||
| You just get through it. | ||
| Yeah, you got through it. | ||
| And now people get to see. | ||
| Now, like, what's the big deal? | ||
| They see, like, oh, he's a fucking talented artist. | ||
| Shane fucking set the groundwork for it, for real. | ||
| You're an artist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He is! | |
| I don't know about artists. | ||
| It's just we're a weird kind of artist. | ||
| Autist. | ||
| It sounds gross when you say it. | ||
| Autistic integrity. | ||
| Every other artist is happy you call him an artist. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You call a comic an artist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| You have to be pretentious. | ||
| I'm making a lot of dick jokes. | ||
| The guy's at Subway. | ||
| Sandwich artist. | ||
| If you tell Dom Irary he's an artist, he's like, what is this? | ||
| What are you doing with these words? | ||
| He was a funny guy. | ||
| Oh, he still is. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Dom's an animal. | ||
| Dom's great. | ||
| Dom Herrera from the Rodney Dangerfield special. | ||
| That's what we should bring back at the mothership. | ||
| Those were killer! | ||
| Do like a Rodney Dangerfield style comedy special. | ||
| Yeah, like Kenison, Hicks, Seinfeld, Dice, Lenny Clark, Dom Herrera, who else? | ||
| Lots of people. | ||
| Lots of people. | ||
| Robert Townsend. | ||
| Here's some people you should know. | ||
| Roseanne, that's how she popped. | ||
| Robert Schimmel. | ||
| Schimmel was so funny. | ||
| Kinnison was the best one, because Kinnison went from Bob, I think he was on Bob Nelson and Saget's, and they're funny, but they're doing that style, that 80s style comedy, and Kinnison's like, hey, I'm going to completely mix this up. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You see his Letterman? | ||
| It's unreal. | ||
| He goes into the audience. | ||
| Letterman's just like, it's because you know he saw him at the store. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so he goes, guys, this next guy, he's presenting to a crowd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's play it. | |
| Let's play it. | ||
| Play Kinnison on Letterman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Enjoy! | ||
| Yeah, Chris Rock said he's the first guy to change the format. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| He did. | ||
| Kennison. | ||
| He was the first guy to let me know that you could do that. | ||
| Before you play that, hold on a second. | ||
| He was an alt-comic. | ||
| This is a story that... | ||
| This is how I've told the story on the podcast. | ||
| If you've heard it, I'm sorry. | ||
| I was working as a fitness trainer at the Boston Athletic Club. | ||
| I was 19 years old. | ||
| There was this girl that worked the front desk. | ||
| She was hilarious. | ||
| This fucking real Boston girl. | ||
| She was like a volleyball player. | ||
| A big fucking strong girl. | ||
| She was hilarious though. | ||
| Real brash. | ||
| Sounds hot. | ||
| She was hot. | ||
| She was hot. | ||
| I like the Boston accent. | ||
| So her and I were talking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She goes, oh my god, you gotta see this fucking comedian, Sam Kennison. | |
| I saw him last night. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| She goes outside in the parking lot and she redoes his bit about homosexual necrophiliacs who are paying money to spend time with the freshest male corpse. | ||
| So this girl's on her stomach in the parking lot going, oh, oh, you mean life keeps fucking in the ass even after you're dead? | ||
| It never ends! | ||
| I am dabbled over laughing. | ||
| Just me and her in the parking lot. | ||
| And then I went and found the special at a video store. | ||
| That's nuts! | ||
| A recreation of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| Her recreation of it got me into Kinison. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait. | |
| Before you press play, he looks exactly like Demi Blavato giving a tour of her house. | ||
| That smile. | ||
| That crazy smile. | ||
| He looks like Jim Carrey pretending to be David Letterman. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's what he looks like. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He was a funny guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, well, we're in for something now, folks. | |
| My next guest is making his network television debut tonight, and we believe it's long overdue. | ||
| He is one of the strangest and most original comedians working today. | ||
| Brace yourselves. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| Please welcome Sam Kinison. | ||
| That's a great intro. | ||
| Do they already know him? | ||
| He's got screams. | ||
| Look at the swagger! | ||
| Look at the swagger. | ||
| Car accident. | ||
| Fucked his head up, and he changed. | ||
| He used to be a pastor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's still time to call the church and call all this off. | |
| I know a lot of you come here, you watch TV, you wait every night. | ||
| For somebody to come on here and give you an answer for your lives, waiting for someone that'll come and say, hey, this is it. | ||
| I don't have to settle for defeat anymore. | ||
| I can rise up out of my routine. | ||
| I can get a hold of myself. | ||
| I don't have to lose. | ||
| I can win. | ||
| There's something inside me that's not going to let me go down anymore. | ||
| But I'm not the guy. | ||
| No, I don't have any answers for you. | ||
| But I can tell you about one thing. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You think you're safe, huh? | ||
| You people over here, you think you're safe? | ||
| Do you think you're safe? | ||
| What's your name? | ||
| Lou? | ||
| He's doing crab work! | ||
| Lou, you ever been married? | ||
| Confidence. | ||
| It's like, alright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you do me a favor? | |
| Well, this is the bit he used to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you ever think you want to get married, if you ever think you've met the right woman, you want to settle down, you want to get a house, you want to get a car, maybe raise a family, do me a favor, will you, Lou? | |
| Remember this face Look at that copy so I guess was That was the opener. | ||
| What's your name? | ||
| Bill? | ||
| Show him the face. | ||
| Showtime! | ||
| That guy lived for six months off that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him! | |
| They had to go back to work and go, Ginnison! | ||
| They've tested to me! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not me, all right? | |
| I'm trying to help here. | ||
| I'm trying to do a good thing. | ||
| I was married for two years. | ||
| My life was so boring, I actually worried about my yard. | ||
| Duh! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's my friends at Goals, Careers, Visions. | |
| We're doing things for their lives. | ||
| I was out there looking for crabgrass. | ||
| Weeds and stuff going, I have a responsibility to the neighborhood. | ||
| There is a weed here. | ||
| And then that doesn't happen. | ||
| You have kids. | ||
| Have you seen those guys? | ||
| Those guys in the malls with the strollers. | ||
| Have you seen them? | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| with that look on their face like they envy the dead. | ||
| It's so harsh. | ||
| Somebody kill me! | ||
| It's so bleak. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I buy it every time, though, I swear I do. | |
| I buy it every time. | ||
| I love women, I can't help it. | ||
| I buy it every time. | ||
| Love comes to me and goes, come on! | ||
| Come on! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, this is love! | |
| Yeah, come on! | ||
| Trust it! | ||
| I know, you've been in love before. | ||
| This is love! | ||
| I wouldn't lie to you eight times in a row! | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Open the door. | ||
| Let's see what we have for you. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| and lie to me again! | ||
| I keep going for that same kind of love too, man. | ||
| That Van Gogh kind of love. | ||
| You know, we walk in, you go, hey! | ||
| You heard me so much, I don't even know what pain is! | ||
| Is that pain? | ||
| Because I don't know anymore! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a psycho. | |
| No. | ||
| I know half America right now is going, what are we watching? | ||
| What kind of comedy is this? | ||
| Is this the man that was prophesied to have come out of the sea and controlled their settings? | ||
| Ha! | ||
| Ha! | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I'm not him. | ||
| I'm just a comic with some weird fashion choices, but, uh... | ||
| Tell you what, those chocolates hit just in time, brothers. | ||
| Read your Bibles, your New Testaments, your tours, your tours, whatever you think will protect you. | ||
| You're not safe. | ||
| But I'm trying to help. | ||
| I do the best I can, folks. | ||
| I swear I do. | ||
| I do the best I can. | ||
| Like this world hunger thing. | ||
| I'm really involved with it. | ||
| I'm just like you. | ||
| I see the same commercials as little kids. | ||
| I eat some chocolate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I eat the old thing. | |
| It's nice. | ||
| Hungry. | ||
| I watch this on TV and I'm home. | ||
| I'm going, God, you know, Hassan. | ||
| Just throw it in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How cool. | |
| Because I know the film crew could give this kid a sandwich. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is like the evolution of that bit, right? | ||
| As you see in the early, early stages of that bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, you know there's a director five feet away going, don't beat him yet! | |
| That's cool. | ||
| Carlin said he saw that bit and he was like, oh shit, he got nervous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, I gotta step it up. | |
| Wow. | ||
| We're losing daylight. | ||
| We are losing daylight. | ||
| Losing retention. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I'm not trying to make fun of world hunger. | |
| If you want to do something about world hunger, I think I have an answer. | ||
| I think that a lot of people are adopting this attitude. | ||
| Want to do something about world hunger? | ||
| Stop sending them food. | ||
| It's network television. | ||
| I'll be the first. | ||
| Look right here. | ||
| Zoom in. | ||
| Stop sending them food. | ||
| Don't send them any more food. | ||
| You want to help these people? | ||
| Send them U-Hauls. | ||
| Send them boxes, you know, some luggage. | ||
| Send them a guy out there who goes, Hey, you know, we just drove 750 miles across the desert with your food, and it occurred to us that there wouldn't be world hunger if you people would live with the foodists! | ||
| You live in a desert! | ||
| You understand that? | ||
| You live in a desert! | ||
| Nothing crosses! | ||
| Nothing's gonna cross! | ||
| We played along, dude. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Oh, the swing! | ||
| How much time did he do? | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| He went as long as he could go. | ||
| They played him in the middle of a word. | ||
| He did two bits. | ||
| They're like, he's done, he's done. | ||
| Get him off. | ||
| He did marriage and then the food bit. | ||
| What year was that, Jamie? | ||
| 85. Man, you were what, 31? | ||
| No. | ||
| 85. Shit was about to change. | ||
| I was 18. That was his network television debut. | ||
| And I found out about him when I was 19. I found out about him in 86 when he did HBO. So it was all poppin'. | ||
| He hadn't done any TV? I think that was his first television appearance, period. | ||
| What were there, 18 comics back then? | ||
| There's like a thousand now. | ||
| There's probably like 50 then. | ||
| The ball's on David Letterman to go. | ||
| I think that was in the middle, but if that was in the 80s, you've got to realize that was the comedy boom. | ||
| There was comedy clubs everywhere. | ||
| There was a lot of comedy clubs. | ||
| There was five of them in one block area of Boston. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| In 88, in Boston, there was Nick's Comedy Stop, then there was a Comedy Connection, and then above the Comedy Connection was the Comedy Club at the Charles, and then across the street was Duck Soup. | ||
| It was called Duck Soup, and then half a block away was Dick Daugherty's Comedy Vault. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There had to be somebody going... | ||
| Hey, I'm going to be the guy who talks normal. | ||
| Who's not like a comedian. | ||
| Not Cosby. | ||
| Yeah, not like doing the standard shit. | ||
| And he just saw a void. | ||
| Well, he was a preacher, right? | ||
| And he had rage. | ||
| He figured out a way to take that preacher energy and convert it into comedy. | ||
| And then he's hanging out with all these rock stars. | ||
| And because he did these late night sets at the store, that's how he became infamous. | ||
| People would come see him and they would be like, who is that guy? | ||
| What time is he going up? | ||
| And it was like a word of mouth thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They would go to see the Kinnison set. | ||
| To this day, they call it the Kinnison set. | ||
| The late night. | ||
| The late night spot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He'd come in at 1230, no one cared, drunk with his friends, with like six or seven top-level stars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You saw him? | |
| No, no, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I got there years after he died. | ||
| When did he die? | ||
| He died in, I want to say, like, 92. Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Somewhere around then? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wasn't it around then? | |
| But they said he'd bring people from the rainbow and they'd all party. | ||
| So no one cared because he's like, you're not really bumping anybody. | ||
| It's 1230. There's just Poppins anyway. | ||
| And he'd make it suddenly get packed. | ||
| He died in 92. He died. | ||
| I remember when he died because I was in New York. | ||
| And I was in my apartment. | ||
| And it was on MTV News. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I remember not hearing about it because I was in a yeshiva. | ||
| So you've got to realize it wasn't even a 10-year run. | ||
| So from 86 to 92 is when he was big, and he had already... | ||
| He was already topped off. | ||
| Not just topped off, but heavily declined. | ||
| If you listen to his first special, and then, well, he's got like the album. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Louder Than Hell. | |
| The album's good. | ||
| Louder Than Hell's good. | ||
| You can only get it like on cassette now. | ||
| I got that one on vinyl. | ||
| It's hard to get. | ||
| That's a good find. | ||
| And then there was the special, the HBO special. | ||
| What was that called? | ||
| Young Comedian special. | ||
| Oh, maybe that one's Louder Than Hell. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Louder Than Hell is definitely the cassette. | ||
| Was the album, okay. | ||
| And then there was the HBO special. | ||
| And then, it was like a year and a half or so later, he put out a new special and it was not good. | ||
| It was rough. | ||
| Was that the Girls on Chains he brought in? | ||
| He bought into who he was. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| He got audience capture. | ||
| So Louder Than Hell was 86, Breaking the Rules was 87, and that one was not good. | ||
| Have You Seen Me Lately, 88, also not good. | ||
| The rest of them are not good. | ||
| Isn't that sad, huh? | ||
| Well, he was just partying. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta work at it. | ||
| You've ever read Brother Bill? | ||
| Bill Kinison wrote it. | ||
| His brother, Bill. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| Brother Sam, it's called. | ||
| The book's called Brother Sam. | ||
| But his brother wrote this book about what happened, and he's real honest about it. | ||
| He's like, he stopped writing. | ||
| He used to write constantly. | ||
| He always had new material, but then he was partying and doing coke and hanging out with Jon Bon Jovi, making music videos. | ||
| He was the talk of the town. | ||
| He forgot the work that goes into it. | ||
| That's every start. | ||
| They just forget the work that goes into it. | ||
| But it wasn't even 10 years, man. | ||
| It was right away. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| 86 to 92. That's his hate day. | ||
| There were 38 and a half comics back then. | ||
| Now you're right. | ||
| There wasn't many. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Didn't he get hit by a drunk driver? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| After he did jokes about drunk driving. | ||
| We're going to drink. | ||
| We're going to drive. | ||
| We're going to pull it off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because we do it every fucking night. | |
| That was not his show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| He was coming the other way. | ||
| You ever think about the amount of times you drank and drove and just made it? | ||
| I came back from a Stanhope show at King King or somewhere in Hollywood, running back to the comedy store for last call. | ||
| Drunk. | ||
| Hit someone in front of the saddle ranch. | ||
| What? | ||
| And I was like, oh, let's exchange insurance. | ||
| They're trying to keep it together. | ||
| A cop slowed down, and I was like, we're good, we're good, we're good. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I'm like, no, no, we're good. | ||
| Damn, I sideswiped a bunch of cars once with my mom's Lexus. | ||
| And she was like, what happened? | ||
| I was like, car was parked. | ||
| Somebody sideswiped me. | ||
| Now she knows. | ||
| Now she knows. | ||
| Don't believe your son. | ||
| God damn it, Mark. | ||
| She's dead. | ||
| She has CT. She played a lot of football. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| She loved those black players. | ||
| I thought you were going to say pigskin. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I thought you were going to go with pigskin. | ||
| Where's he going to go with this one? | ||
| I tossed you a ball. | ||
| He didn't have any. | ||
| That's hard. | ||
| That's hard. | ||
| That's a punchline. | ||
| Let's play that back. | ||
| Let me redo that. | ||
| I think I've lit this thing up 14 times. | ||
| Can I tell you guys how excited I've been doing this? | ||
| I can't get high like you guys. | ||
| Yeah, you can. | ||
| Just stop being a pussy. | ||
| I literally walked out that door like... | ||
| Those things are... | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| That's a little stronger than people... | ||
| That's a lot of lean. | ||
| That's a wonky joint, too. | ||
| I've been doing that a little bit every day. | ||
| Building a tolerance. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Princess Bride. | ||
| I don't think it's a tolerance. | ||
| It puts me in a nice place. | ||
| Just passed it. | ||
| Hey, public service announcement. | ||
| If somebody hands you a joint and you don't smoke, don't fucking talk about your own smoke. | ||
| Public service announcement. | ||
| Just fucking pass it on. | ||
| Ari Shafir Jew. | ||
| It's available right now on YouTube. | ||
| I was in the middle of a talk on climate change. | ||
| That guy's talking about the environment. | ||
| I cut a promo in the middle of a talk. | ||
| This guy was talking about climate change. | ||
| He's bringing up charts. | ||
| I'm setting him up. | ||
| I'm like, how bad are candles? | ||
| I'm like, are candles bad? | ||
| He's like, oh, terrible. | ||
| Terrible for the environment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go, interesting. | |
| Because Ari Shafir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's great. | |
| We played a clip with all the candles. | ||
| Pigeon holed a promo into a fucking talk with a scientist. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| You could see him not knowing where to go. | ||
| He's like, okay. | ||
| Because up until that moment, I've been totally straight, asking questions. | ||
| So, what is it about that? | ||
| And what's causing it? | ||
| What percentage is this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then we cut to, are you a Jew on YouTube? | ||
| And he's sitting there not knowing what to do? | ||
| What do you say? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, the bears are dying. | ||
| And if you're not Jewish and someone starts talking about Jewish people, right now, people just shut the fuck up. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Just shut the fuck up and let them talk. | ||
| Don't interrupt. | ||
| Oh yeah, right now. | ||
| It's hot button. | ||
| Let them run that weather. | ||
| We had the hot oven, now we're on the hot button. | ||
| Oh, let them go. | ||
| You gotta promote, you know? | ||
| Netflix, if you do a Netflix build, I don't think they push you. | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| It's not worth it anymore. | ||
| If you're a guy like Ari, the best possible way... | ||
| If you're a guy who can get a big chunk of money like Dave Chappelle, I get it. | ||
| Or low level. | ||
| But even if you're low level, if you get on YouTube and people find out about it... | ||
| If they find out, yeah. | ||
| But the thing is, it gets demonetized. | ||
| As long as they're not taking them down, though, your purpose is getting served. | ||
| YouTube is good about it for stand-up. | ||
| They should be. | ||
| They should be. | ||
| I mean, stand-up is, look, it's just like movies. | ||
| You know, when Quentin Tarantino has Brad Pitt smashing some girl's face into a mantelpiece, is that really happening? | ||
| No, it's not happening. | ||
| Do you still enjoy the movie? | ||
| Yes, you enjoy the movie. | ||
| Because it's not real. | ||
| The same thing with stand-up. | ||
| These aren't real opinions, you fucking idiots. | ||
| Someone over there explained to me their algorithm in stand-up, where it's like, oh, you said this word, and this is a hate speech, whatever, and they go, look again, it's on stage, like, okay, let it go. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| They're the best ones. | ||
| Well, that's good. | ||
| Though they should be. | ||
| They have a wealth of stand-up material. | ||
| If you're a comic and you love classic comedy, there's no better place on earth than YouTube. | ||
| No, you got that right. | ||
| Every fucking special that's ever been, all the Kinnison specials, all the Bill Hicks stuff, everything's available. | ||
| True, yeah. | ||
| You know what I watched the other day? | ||
| I watched his... | ||
| Bill Hicks's... | ||
| It was like a one-night stand. | ||
| Remember they used to do those? | ||
| Oh, I love those. | ||
| It was like you did a half an hour on HBO. Yeah, on HBO. They called them one-night stands. | ||
| Where are you going to do your next special? | ||
| Where are you going to put this one? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| YouTube, Joe. | ||
| I haven't even looked at it. | ||
| Come to the dark side. | ||
| I think I might. | ||
| Come to YouTube. | ||
| I haven't even looked at it. | ||
| You could put your own shit out. | ||
| You could do your own network, like a Louis thing. | ||
| Or I could just put it everywhere for free. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
YouTube. | |
| You're broke, right? | ||
| A hundred million people will see your special. | ||
| You need some money. | ||
| A hundred million people will see your hard work. | ||
| Thank God I don't look at my Twitter inbox. | ||
| I bet there's some hot ladies in there. | ||
| We'll find out, Mark Norman. | ||
| Look around. | ||
| I'll jerk off to that inbox. | ||
| I'll give you the passage. | ||
| Please. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what to do with my... | ||
| I haven't even had to... | ||
| I just wanted to record it. | ||
| I recorded it, and when I've got a sufficient amount of new material where I can do, like, a new set... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've probably got, like, 15 minutes now that seems to be working. | ||
| Then you'll put it out? | ||
| Then I'll... | ||
| I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do. | ||
| I got an angle for your body. | ||
| I love being able to do whatever the fuck I want to do. | ||
| I'm enjoying that. | ||
| I'm enjoying that. | ||
| People are talking about, like, where's Joe gonna do it? | ||
| I'm like, they can't offer him enough money... | ||
| They can't give him $700 million for a special. | ||
| It's not about the money. | ||
| It's about what? | ||
| People saying it? | ||
| Well, that's one of the reasons why I decided to buy a club. | ||
| If you were that guy, and you had that kind of money, and you could do something like that, if you were a comic, you'd be like, God, if I had that money, you know what I'd love to do? | ||
| I'd love to open up a club and do it the right way. | ||
| But no one ever does it. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| So you're supposed to do it. | ||
| Like, I have to do it. | ||
| It's like part of the plot. | ||
| I gotta do it. | ||
| See, even when I'm there, like we were there today, we were looking around, I don't believe it's real. | ||
| I'm like, this can't be real. | ||
| I just have to keep... | ||
| Keep acting. | ||
| You gotta get a monocle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jamie, what are you doing over there? | |
| on some caps. | ||
| Shane, are you gone right now? | ||
| Is that what's going on? | ||
| I'm totally gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When we were watching Kiddestine, I was like, why let's Shane talk in a little more? | |
| I've been smiling the whole time. | ||
| I'm fucking gone. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| I haven't talked once. | ||
| I've been sitting there going, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a nice feeling. | ||
| I mean, it feels good. | ||
| I don't know how good it is for the listener. | ||
| They're going to be fine. | ||
| They're having a great time. | ||
| They'll be on tomorrow. | ||
| If you're a guy who's sitting there with his headphones on doing some menial task, you're in your fucking cores right now. | ||
| You're having fun. | ||
| Do you guys consume pods? | ||
| I listen like five a day. | ||
| Yeah, I've been doing a lot of audiobooks over the last six or seven months, but before that I was really pod-heavy. | ||
| I've probably listened to six pods total in my life. | ||
| I really love Tim Dillon. | ||
| Tim Dillon's one of my favorite guys to listen to. | ||
| Caparulo on Marin, Liz Fair on this podcast. | ||
| I'm trying to think what else. | ||
| The Mencia ones on Marin, and then maybe a fucking This American Life one, Radio Lab one. | ||
| That Mencia one's killer. | ||
| Bobby Lee confronted Mencia on an ep, and that was tense. | ||
| He calls him out. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| Bobby Lee's funny, huh? | ||
| It's funny, dude. | ||
| I hope you put something out. | ||
| He's been saying he's going to. | ||
| It's not gonna happen. | ||
| It's not his style. | ||
| He's putting stuff out on his podcast. | ||
| What, is he gonna put his dick? | ||
| Yeah, he's definitely doing that, too. | ||
| Well, that's a closer, right? | ||
| I don't want to give it away. | ||
| Go see Bobby Lee. | ||
| Or not. | ||
| We might have ate too many mushrooms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, we ate too many mushrooms, dude. | |
| This sucks. | ||
| I'm just getting started. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| We'll get through this. | ||
| Don't be scared. | ||
| I think we can drink our way out of this. | ||
| You got that right. | ||
| I think we definitely can. | ||
| When Bryan Simpson was challenging you to a drinking contest, I was scared for him. | ||
| He was trying to egg him on. | ||
| He was going with it, man. | ||
| He was going with it. | ||
| He said he could do one shot for every Bud Light I drank. | ||
| Goddamn crazy that is. | ||
| He would die. | ||
| But Brian is game. | ||
| He was ready to go. | ||
| He was ready to go. | ||
| He's a Marine. | ||
| I was like, you're a Marine, dude. | ||
| Of course you could. | ||
| He dug his heels in. | ||
| He dug his heels in and he was ready to go. | ||
| Are we wearing sunglasses? | ||
| I knew you guys were going to do this. | ||
| The room's getting a little fuzzy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You brought those chocolates out and I said, this is not gonna... | ||
| She's got the dice glasses? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Anthony Aiden, Bobby Kelly hooked me up with this guy in New York. | ||
| I was gonna say, you look like Bobby Kelly. | ||
| I saw Bobby had them. | ||
| Bobby had a pair of them. | ||
| Bobby's glasses are beautiful. | ||
| He's like, oh, I'll connect you. | ||
| Bobby did a cycle. | ||
| There it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| He's got to do more than one. | ||
| Bobby looks good. | ||
| Bobby looks great. | ||
| He looks great. | ||
| He got it sucked right out of him. | ||
| Yeah, it's nice to see he's getting healthy. | ||
| He's got a special out. | ||
| Yes, he does. | ||
| Killbox. | ||
| We were talking about the little room at the mothership. | ||
| That's going to be a kill box. | ||
| That's where I got the name. | ||
| Good looking room. | ||
| Him and Louie came up with that concept because Louie was like, what kind of room do you like to work in? | ||
| He's like, just a fucking kill box. | ||
| Just tight, low ceiling. | ||
| And so they just made that. | ||
| That wasn't even at a comedy club. | ||
| They put that all together. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Somewhere in Tampa. | |
| What? | ||
| And during his first show, he's taping two shows, taping two specials. | ||
| During his first taping, a woman has a fucking seizure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| He said he's two minutes in with his acting. | ||
| Seizure. | ||
| Somebody help her! | ||
| Help her! | ||
| Help her! | ||
| He's like, what? | ||
| What? | ||
| Julius Caesar. | ||
| And so they take this lady away, and then he continues. | ||
| That's actually what he was named after. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Julius Caesar? | |
| Is that right? | ||
| Yeah, he had it. | ||
| He had a Caesar? | ||
| Yeah, I can't. | ||
| I'm out, dude. | ||
| I can't talk. | ||
| Is that a joke or no? | ||
| No, I'm serious. | ||
| No, I think he is. | ||
| I think it's named after him. | ||
| Julius Caesar was epileptic. | ||
| What about the salad? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| It's spelled the same way. | ||
| He didn't get stabbed? | ||
| Is the salad him? | ||
| Did he do the salad? | ||
| I don't know about the salad. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Check out the salad there, J-Mo. | ||
| You would think that someone who ran the Roman Empire would get a better salad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's not a bad salad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not a good salad. | |
| It's a pretty good salad. | ||
| It's like the best salad. | ||
| It's not a hall of fame salad. | ||
| It's a pretty good salad. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| I never feel like I'm getting nutrients. | ||
| Seizures! | ||
| He suffered from seizures. | ||
| See these puns. | ||
| Related to epilepsy. | ||
| Whoa, you're right. | ||
| I thought you were joking. | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't joke. | |
| I don't talk about history and jokes anymore. | ||
| No way! | ||
| Is that why they stabbed him? | ||
| Dude, I totally thought you were joking. | ||
| They stabbed an EpiPen into him? | ||
| I thought, I'm like, he's being silly. | ||
| Hey, John, you got an EpiPen? | ||
| No? | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because that's exactly what Tony Hinchcliffe would have done. | ||
| That's like a Tony Hinchcliffe line. | ||
| What, that's how they came up with it? | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I would have never guessed that. | ||
| What about the salad? | ||
| So yeah, who came up with the salad? | ||
| The salad started in Mexico. | ||
| Caesar salad. | ||
| Oh, I like that sweater. | ||
| Clever. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| Tijuana even, maybe, I think. | ||
| Oh shit, Caesar salad started in Tijuana. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| We haven't had an assassination in a while. | ||
| Pat Tao started by a white guy's norm. | ||
| It just took us on a dark turn. | ||
| Well, we used to have assassinations like once every eight years or so. | ||
| We haven't had one. | ||
| Yeah, see, you stand up, you walk around, you start looking around. | ||
| Tijuana, Mexico. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari, stay seated. | |
| Don't get up. | ||
| The levels is when you get fucked up. | ||
| I had to piss but it did go away. | ||
| I stood up and I went to the bathroom and I thought I heard your dog crying and I looked for your dog in the bathroom for a long time. | ||
| Your wife's here? | ||
| I was like, bandit? | ||
| Caesar salad invented in Tijuana, Mexico in the 1920s. | ||
| A green salad of romaine with a highly seasoned dressing of pounded anchovies, olive oil, lemon juice, egg, and Parmesan cheese. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm reading ingredients of a salad on a podcast. | |
| I'm getting excited. | ||
| Okay, hearts and palms. | ||
| I got hungry. | ||
| I changed my tune halfway through. | ||
| I was like, I love a Caesar salad. | ||
| Have you ever taken drugs and just stared at this fucking ceiling alone? | ||
| Don't do it, the Constellations! | ||
| Maybe the Indians were on some peyote or eating some leaves or some shit when they were looking up at the stars. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Everybody was. | ||
| Every culture that had access to psychedelic drugs took them. | ||
| They all did. | ||
| No one was like, hey, this is not good for our productivity or our hunting and gathering. | ||
| Let's leave these alone. | ||
| Nobody left them alone. | ||
| They all did. | ||
| They had rituals, man. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Bro, you know what I just saw? | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Did you see that Viking movie? | ||
| Yeah, Northman. | ||
| Oh, that was great. | ||
| I saw someone else's seat on a plane. | ||
| I had no idea it was that hardcore. | ||
| Yeah, that was an intense one. | ||
| That movie is fucking hardcore. | ||
| It's true shit, too. | ||
| That's how they lived. | ||
| Sabers. | ||
| That was a hot guy, too. | ||
| He was a hot guy. | ||
| I heard it was good, but I really didn't expect that. | ||
| He's lucky I wasn't one of those villagers that he raped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what's great about that movie, too? | ||
| I thought it was just laying in a hut. | ||
| There was no one that had our morals. | ||
| No morals. | ||
| There was no, like... | ||
| Sam Morrill. | ||
| Hey, before I get too far, just note, you should have a bathroom right out here. | ||
| Hold on, I got one. | ||
| It's literally down the hall. | ||
| You should build a... | ||
| I know, but you should build one right there. | ||
| Take a walk, bitch. | ||
| Wouldn't it be nice, though, you're laying on your hay, and they're like, the Vikings are coming, we're all gonna get raped. | ||
| You're like, fuck, and then the door swings open, it's that guy, you're like... | ||
| Alright. | ||
| That's true, you could do worse. | ||
| Not that bad, honestly. | ||
| I'm pretty glad you're the guy. | ||
| My arch fear is so fucked up by mushrooms, he can't walk 20 paces. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| Kidman. | ||
| Why don't I have a bathroom right here? | ||
| Dude, this movie's the shit. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| Oh, is that Willem Dafoe? | ||
| He's got a huge hog. | ||
| This is a very intense movie. | ||
| Give that a goob, J-Mo. | ||
| Ethan Hawke's in it, too. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Hawke's good. | ||
| Bro, it's a wild-ass movie. | ||
| Wild. | ||
| I liked it. | ||
| It'd be bombed in theaters. | ||
| It shouldn't have... | ||
| Everything bombs in theaters now. | ||
| But it's like, you know, watch this shit at home. | ||
| It's worth watching. | ||
| I enjoyed it, yeah. | ||
| Because I was kind of skeptical going into it. | ||
| I was like, is this going to be like a television show about Vikings? | ||
| No, but it's just enough fantasy and... | ||
| Just ruthless reality. | ||
| And no one is a normal person of today in that movie. | ||
| They all represent those kind of people that were just sword fighting and dying out there. | ||
| The way they talked, the way they behaved, everyone was sketchy. | ||
| It was a wild fucking movie. | ||
| It was a good movie, man. | ||
| It was a really good movie because it was... | ||
| It wasn't a, you know, 2022 person in the Viking era. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They nailed it. | ||
| You know what's weird is whenever you see a movie without phones, you don't think about it. | ||
| You're not like, where are the phones? | ||
| You just enjoy the movie. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you never dream with your phone either. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Like, you never ever dream where you're on your phone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But we're on our phones eight hours a day, but we still don't really... | ||
| Wait, you're talking about there's no phones in the movie about Vikings? | ||
| Well, I'm just saying, you don't... | ||
| Is that what the fuck you just said? | ||
| I'm saying, you watch a... | ||
| Well, obviously. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, what? | |
| But I'm saying, if you watch a movie now, there's no phones in it. | ||
| Are you trying to defend that? | ||
| I'm trying to catch up. | ||
| He's trying to defend it. | ||
| I'm saying, obviously there's no phones in a Viking movie, but if you watch a movie made today, and there's not a lot of phones in it, you don't go, where are the phones? | ||
| It's just a movie. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| If you do watch a movie today about today, and no one's on their phone. | ||
| If you watch every show, everybody should be looking at their phone the entire time. | ||
| That should be the whole show. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| My tweet got a tweet, whatever, you know? | ||
| It's so weird when you go to a bar and you see everyone on their phone. | ||
| Everyone. | ||
| It's so strange. | ||
| New York subway, it's just phone, phone, phone. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| Everyone's just paying attention to something else other than what's in front of them. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And you can't help it. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| It's like a little magnet. | ||
| You were doing it last night in the green room. | ||
| A little magnet to your brain. | ||
| I feel like we lost you. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard. | ||
| I get my notes on my phone too. | ||
| Ah, the phone notes. | ||
| I use paper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's actually writing. | |
| He's actually writing. | ||
| Sure, writing. | ||
| Do you write on paper? | ||
| I do. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| They do say that when you write on paper that you... | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Look at this wad. | ||
| Don't read those. | ||
| Folks, look at this joke. | ||
| We'll do some editing. | ||
| That's Norman. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| I can't believe you carry this around with me. | ||
| 90% of it. | ||
| Bro, you're going to get a bad back. | ||
| Oh, I got a bad sciatica. | ||
| Yeah, that's from sitting on this, you dumb fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just called it. | |
| My wallet's the same way. | ||
| My wallet's on the other side. | ||
| This is his notes that were in one of his back pockets. | ||
| And I go, bro, you're going to get a bad back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is like the Dead Sea Scrolls. | |
| He's not doing this by accident. | ||
| This is real. | ||
| That's the Koran. | ||
| It's got blue sweat from his blue jeans. | ||
| No, don't throw it out. | ||
| Look at the blue sweat from his blue jeans. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Bro, you've been wearing these in the summer. | ||
| Easy, I need those. | ||
| That's my new hour. | ||
| Loose notes? | ||
| Bro, you're a crazy person. | ||
| Yeah, that's psycho. | ||
| FBI should look in your basement immediately. | ||
| About 99% of that doesn't work. | ||
| Yeah, no shit. | ||
| That's like fucking five hours of material. | ||
| That's the craziest way of talking, Norman. | ||
| That is the fucking craziest way. | ||
| Of, like, marking and writing down your material I've ever seen, ever. | ||
| And I've seen a lot. | ||
| It's the newest one. | ||
| You can tell that the newest one is the new material. | ||
| They're not as tattered. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| This is the good one. | ||
| You get the good one. | ||
| That's the new shit. | ||
| Dude, you need a fanny pack just to carry those around with you. | ||
| No, fanny pack. | ||
| What am I, gay? | ||
| Hey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Front pocket. | |
| Go front pocket for sure. | ||
| You shouldn't be scared of a fanny pocket. | ||
| I know you like the fanny. | ||
| It's ultimate freedom. | ||
| Dude, when you piss on Fungi, it's fucking, your dick is so small. | ||
| It's all weirdy plastic leathery. | ||
| It's leather. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| Fungi does rule, though. | ||
| It's high quality. | ||
| It's from a company called Roots in Canada. | ||
| Oh, that's nice. | ||
| Oh, it's very well done. | ||
| Good band. | ||
| Dice had one. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| That's how I got this. | ||
| Yeah, we sell them on higherprimate.com because of Dice. | ||
| Dice came in with sweatpants on, and I've always been a fanny pack enthusiast. | ||
| I go, that's the nicest fanny pack I've ever seen. | ||
| I go, where'd you get that? | ||
| You like this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You like this? | |
| Have you seen what Dice is doing on Instagram? | ||
| Oh yeah, it's great. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| I don't have time for a picture right now. | ||
| Just go up to random people. | ||
| Oh, did you want a picture? | ||
| I mean, I could if I had to. | ||
| It's kind of cold outside. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| He just keeps doing it. | ||
| He's shameless. | ||
| He did that to me years ago, and I thought he was serious. | ||
| I didn't know he was drunk. | ||
| I felt bad for that. | ||
| He's the original troll. | ||
| It was not Milo. | ||
| He is a troll. | ||
| Oh, he's the best troll. | ||
| Because he was a troll that filled arenas. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He was filling fucking arenas. | ||
| With a character. | ||
| And he's just as happy now being a troll. | ||
| Listen, play some of this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not your driver. | |
| Sorry. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Play it from the beginning. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Play it from the beginning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, hi. | |
| You are the driver that was waiting for the picture? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I'm not a driver, sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They told me because of the hat. | |
| You're wearing the yellow hat from my film. | ||
| I'm not a driver. | ||
| No, the picture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You wanted the picture? | |
| Totally awesome, 80s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sorry, I'm not sure what you're talking about. | |
| That guy's terrified. | ||
| He's being very nice. | ||
| He has to be. | ||
| Dice is a big guy. | ||
| True. | ||
| You have this big guy that just might mollywop you in the middle of New York City. | ||
| Mollywop, what a great term. | ||
| Brought it back. | ||
| That's a solid one. | ||
| No one's even said that since the 80s. | ||
| I've never heard it. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Mollywop. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| That's a protect our neighborhood. | ||
| Speaking of psychedelics, remember when the South Park guys went to the Oscars on acid? | ||
| Seeing the blink was the best. | ||
| They're legends. | ||
| They're so important for the state of comedy because they can get away... | ||
| Like Kyle Dunnigan and Kurt Metzger, what they can do with the face swaps. | ||
| We were talking about it last night. | ||
| There's something about something not being real. | ||
| You can get away with so much more. | ||
| With South Park and with the face swap thing. | ||
| Because it doesn't look at all like real people. | ||
| Like, you know it's not really Bill Maher. | ||
| But it's hilarious. | ||
| Or the Jeff Goldblum one or the Stallone one. | ||
| They're fucking hilarious. | ||
| Stallone's the best. | ||
| And he can have these people saying the most outrageous shit. | ||
| Because it seems one step off from reality. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn, Ari. | ||
| That's a giant advantage. | ||
| You ate a bunch of those. | ||
| I was lying. | ||
| I didn't eat as many. | ||
| I can't believe you ate that many. | ||
| How much did you eat? | ||
| More. | ||
| I only had a couple. | ||
| How many did you have? | ||
| More. | ||
| Yeah, you're in trouble. | ||
| We need you, you see? | ||
| This is a bad pie. | ||
| Just hang in there. | ||
| Don't think about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't think about it. | |
| Don't think about how high you are. | ||
| You don't fucking think about it. | ||
| Just go with it. | ||
| Jamie, call the picture of how many views of my special host. | ||
| 4.5 million. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Don't be fucking lame, dude. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| He's really living in that moment. | ||
| Did you think the Chappelle monologue was anti-Sem? | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I assume it's fine. | ||
| I didn't catch it, but people saying that. | ||
| I assume it's a comic because there's no problem at all. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I liked it. | ||
| I thought the whole thing in the beginning was hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, I thought it was very funny. | ||
| Where he reads this thing, I do not support anti-Semitism in any way, shape, or form, and that, Kanye West, is how you buy yourself some time. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| It's very funny. | ||
| I love the Ferguson joke. | ||
| It's genius! | ||
| Was anybody actually upset? | ||
| That was a whole fucking headline. | ||
| 20 people, and then everyone's arguing about the 20 people that are fake upset. | ||
| Yeah, no one cares. | ||
| No one cares. | ||
| Well, we're living in a weird world where everybody can have an opinion. | ||
| And if there's a thing that is in somehow, way, shape, or form connected to anything controversial, there's going to be people that get upset about it. | ||
| Dave Chappelle is the number one stand-up talking about Jews today. | ||
| I give you a pass. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| You're not anti-Semitic. | ||
| It is over. | ||
| Go on with your life, Dave Chappelle. | ||
| 4.5 million. | ||
| That's a lot of views. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's worse than the fucking picture I posted, you bitch. | |
| Ari's lost. | ||
| He's lost in a world of success and mushrooms. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| I hate seeing success. | ||
| You gotta drink past these shrooms, man. | ||
| Do you like Angry Ari better? | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| You're more of a fan of Angry Ari? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Sad Ari was better. | ||
| I like Sad Ari. | ||
| Sad Ari was always down to talk. | ||
| Kept your mouth shut. | ||
| Yeah, now his phone's on fucking silent and he goes, he's like, what? | ||
| Brings his dog places. | ||
| I can't wait to see Ari posing with no shirt on, wearing a fur coat, getting on a Lear chair. | ||
| I constantly post on my shirt on. | ||
| No shirt, fur coat. | ||
| Don't defend this. | ||
| It's McGregor. | ||
| No shirt, fur coat, getting on a private jet. | ||
| Somebody photoshopped me an O'Connor McGregor picture. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Bro, have you seen Conor McGregor's latest pictures? | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Pull him up. | ||
| If I was USADA, I'd be like, when does this guy get back on the test? | ||
| Was he fighting him? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| USADA is the U.S. anti-doping agent. | ||
| I thought it was a guy too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is he fighting that fucking Muslim? | |
| Usman. | ||
| You're thinking Usman. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| What's the other name? | ||
| Islam. | ||
| Islam Makachev. | ||
| He's fun. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's fighting Volkanovski. | ||
| That'll be fun. | ||
| Volkanovski's the man. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| That's a wild little fight. | ||
| Connor's been killing on Twitter, though. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| He never stops. | ||
| He's clearly intoxicated. | ||
| He's having a great time, saying some funny shit. | ||
| The funny things are listening to him talk because, you know, he's from Dublin. | ||
| And when he gets drunk and starts talking, look how jacked he is. | ||
| Wait, that's him? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yes, 100%. | ||
| I thought that was Cyril Ghosn. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, he's roommates with the liver king. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Proper 12. What the fuck? | |
| Look at that photo. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's not real. | ||
| Also, this video of him from here, that's good, but go to the other one from behind, the next one back. | ||
| The next photo. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at the size of him. | ||
| Great caboose. | ||
| Look at the size of him. | ||
| You should see his dick. | ||
| His dick's in every photo, too. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| He loves posting a fucking, kind of a boner in every photo. | ||
| Bro, look at the size of that guy. | ||
| He's in my wife's DMs. | ||
| He looks like, hey! | ||
| He's 200 plus pounds. | ||
| He's got a mask, Joe. | ||
| Get him. | ||
| He's a man. | ||
| He's recovering from a terrible injury, though. | ||
| That's why it's taking so long, and that's probably why he's... | ||
| Working his upper body. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Getting thick. | ||
| He broke his leg. | ||
| Broke his leg in a fight. | ||
| Yeah, both broke. | ||
| Oh, yeah, against Poirier. | ||
| That's what he was yelling at. | ||
| Oh, that thing. | ||
| In the fibula, both of them snapped, so it's a horrific injury to recover from. | ||
| Jamie, you did that on purpose, you dog. | ||
| That's a cup. | ||
| Jamie, you dog. | ||
| He's wearing a cup, I believe. | ||
| Look at the legs on that motherfucker. | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| That would hurt your dick, chief-wise. | ||
| Focus on that. | ||
| So that left leg, that's the one that broke, and it's jacked as fuck now. | ||
| Yeah, keep those kids on. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Go down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| It's a cup. | ||
| It's a cup. | ||
| It is a cup. | ||
| World Cup. | ||
| No, get him in his street clubs. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| He literally always has a boner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I mean, it just looks like it. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| I took a blue tube before this. | ||
| There was a weigh-in where it looked like he had a boner. | ||
| One of his weigh-ins. | ||
| It always does. | ||
| It's very funny. | ||
| He's having fun. | ||
| He's living life. | ||
| He's a wild boy. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Wait! | ||
| What? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| He had a boner. | ||
| Oh, that's a flopper. | ||
| That's a flopper. | ||
| That might just be his regular penis, dude. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I got one of those. | ||
| It might actually be hard. | ||
| No. | ||
| Imagine if he's that savage that he gets a bow. | ||
| It was the McGregor fight. | ||
| It wasn't even... | ||
| Or the Mayweather. | ||
| What's up with these... | ||
| He wanted to win that fight. | ||
| What do you say? | ||
| That was a money grab, baby. | ||
| Dude, it was a money grab, but he tried to win that fight. | ||
| He thought he could win. | ||
| He actually landed. | ||
| He caught him with an uppercut. | ||
| McGregor's the man. | ||
| Yeah, McGregor's the man, obviously. | ||
| Those Paul guys are winning fights. | ||
| Ken Lewis Gomez wins. | ||
| Paul guys are winning fights. | ||
| Dude, Jake Paul is 100% legit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Knock down Anderson Silva. | ||
| That's the end of the discussion. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| I don't care if Silva's 47 years old. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| He agreed to it. | ||
| He boxes very well. | ||
| He still moves very well. | ||
| And just the skill level alone, the fact that he was able to catch him and knock him down, that's a big deal. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| It's the end of an era. | ||
| It's a big deal. | ||
| It's an end of an era for sure, but it's also like, that guy's a legit fighter. | ||
| He's not just a YouTube guy. | ||
| He moves like a fighter. | ||
| You watch him in fights, he's not boxing like some guy. | ||
| When will he fight like a current young fighter? | ||
| Oh, Tyron Woodley. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, but someone like 30. What is this? | |
| Jake Paul offered Paddy the baddie $1 million to spar and Pimblet didn't back down. | ||
| But he's way bigger than him. | ||
| This weekend he'll spar him on Monday. | ||
| Pimblet's like 5'4 or something. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| He gets up to like 200 pounds. | ||
| What? | ||
| He balloons. | ||
| He balloons. | ||
| He's a really good grappler. | ||
| The difference between the two of them is like boxing. | ||
| Paddy is, you know, he's got good hands for sure. | ||
| He's a good striker. | ||
| Cute kid. | ||
| Beautiful, beautiful kid. | ||
| But if he gets you to the ground, he's nasty. | ||
| Really badass submission. | ||
| So if they're not going to fight an MMA fight... | ||
| To spar, though. | ||
| Yeah, but if they're going to fight, dude... | ||
| Fight! | ||
| Fight! | ||
| If you're calling it sparring, and you're gonna film it, and everyone's gonna watch it, and you're gonna do one round, come on, you wanna spar me? | ||
| I'll give you a million dollars to spar me. | ||
| Yeah, both those guys are psychos. | ||
| What you're doing is you're having an unsanctioned fight. | ||
| This guy's paying you a million dollars to have an unsanctioned fight. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| You can call it sparring. | ||
| Let's call it sparring. | ||
| No! | ||
| You wouldn't fight Jake? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| You could kick him. | ||
| Dude, that guy would fuck me up. | ||
| He's good, dude. | ||
| He's a good boxer. | ||
| He can fight, man. | ||
| I tell you. | ||
| He's a big, dangerous, young fellow. | ||
| And he hits hard. | ||
| He's knocked out Ben Askren, Tyron Woodley, knocked down Anderson Silva. | ||
| That's a big deal, man. | ||
| That guy can crack. | ||
| What's with the legs breaking? | ||
| Didn't O'Malley's leg break? | ||
| No, he got kicked in the leg into, what's it called? | ||
| Perineal nerve, that was it called? | ||
| And that nerve shut off his foot. | ||
| His foot just stopped working. | ||
| And he started getting this, it's called like drop foot. | ||
| And he actually did commentary for the video while it was happening. | ||
| That was the last one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't help yourself! | |
| That was it. | ||
| That was the last one. | ||
| Let me write that one down. | ||
| I'm trying so hard to keep it together. | ||
| That's why I didn't work on the leaves, too. | ||
| Better be on a speed date. | ||
| So Sean O'Malley, he did like a play-by-play with that fight, and you could see his foot go numb. | ||
| It's just like he's just dragging his foot around, and he can't stand on it. | ||
| And he had these tight ankle wraps on, and you think that might have accentuated it and not allowed the circulation to get back to normal? | ||
| Yeah, that's embarrassing. | ||
| Weird injury. | ||
| Well, you're just flopping around on the mat. | ||
| It looks bad. | ||
| It's happened to a few guys. | ||
| It happened to Michael Chandler in Bellator. | ||
| He got that. | ||
| That happened to him. | ||
| It's happened to a couple of guys in the UFC. They get kicked in the leg and their leg just doesn't work right anymore. | ||
| What about that guy? | ||
| He kicked and his leg wrapped around the guy's shin. | ||
| Anderson? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yes, Anderson was one of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He did that with Chris Wyden. | ||
| And then Chris Weidman was another one. | ||
| Chris Weidman just did it recently. | ||
| Not recently. | ||
| He hasn't come back from it. | ||
| It's been over, I believe, over a year. | ||
| Is that correct? | ||
| Yeah, it just slaps against a leg and just like... | ||
| Breaks. | ||
| I've seen it happen in kickboxing, too. | ||
| It happened with Tyrone Spong fought Gokhan Saki, and Saki checked his kick and snapped his leg in half. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| First kick that Chris threw. | ||
| This is hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Perfect freeze, Jamie. | ||
| Perfect freeze. | ||
| Perfect freeze. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| I can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That is an antelope leg. | ||
| Why are you doing that? | ||
| Who's doing this? | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| Oh, he looks like a stretcher man. | ||
| Jamie, cut it out. | ||
| You don't even blink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| It's already broken there. | ||
| So many of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Back to fix. | |
| Life's back on track. | ||
| It's so normal for me to see people get beat up. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| That's a bad one though. | ||
| I've seen that happen one other time. | ||
| He's since passed away, but he had fought on the Ultimate Fighter. | ||
| He was a very tall, thin guy. | ||
| Who was the other guy who had a leg break? | ||
| Jamie in the UFC? It was a long time ago. | ||
| It's making me yawn, dude. | ||
| It makes you yawn. | ||
| Hand me that bodega. | ||
| You didn't even eat your chocolate, you coward. | ||
| Guys, you guys are all talking over each other. | ||
| No one can hear a fucking word. | ||
| That's a thing. | ||
| I never did know about it. | ||
| Who was the first guy to get his leg broken in the UFC? Corey Hill? | ||
| Yes, Corey Hill. | ||
| And who was that fight with? | ||
| Oh God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Back that up a little bit real quick. | |
| Back that ass up. | ||
| Dale Hart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| So, he throws a kick, same deal. | ||
| Right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yo! | |
| Now, this was a bad one because the referee didn't notice it. | ||
| The referee didn't notice it, so we were screaming, stop the fight. | ||
| He throws the kick, his leg snaps. | ||
| Dale showing a lot of head movement, eats a nice kick. | ||
| Oh, Corey fell down. | ||
| Oh, his leg's broken! | ||
|
unidentified
|
His leg's broken! | |
| That's it! | ||
| We got it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good lord! | |
| So the referee didn't notice that his leg was broken. | ||
| We had to scream it. | ||
| What are you doing, dude? | ||
| You're killing me, J-Mo. | ||
| Didn't you take my shoes? | ||
| That was really hard to watch. | ||
| I saw you. | ||
| I gotta work. | ||
| So that was the first time that it ever happened in the UFC. Come on, J-Mo. | ||
| He pet the class pet too hard, I bet. | ||
| You like a little killing hamster. | ||
| You pet the class pet? | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| Yeah, I had a hamster in their class. | ||
| The kids could all pet. | ||
| What kind of weird world are you creating just for one joke? | ||
| I went to a performing arts school. | ||
| We had a hamster in there. | ||
| It was a guinea pig. | ||
| In every class. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You go to math class, make sure you pet the fucking hamster. | |
| I'll get creative on the shrooms. | ||
| Man, did you see the Bisping doc? | ||
| I did. | ||
| When he talked about getting his, he got his eyeball knocked out, by the way. | ||
| But he said he woke up in the, what do you call it, the locker room, and he goes, did I win? | ||
| That's how bad these knockouts are. | ||
| It's like time travel. | ||
| They have no idea sometimes. | ||
| They don't know what happened. | ||
| People have to explain to them what happened in the fight. | ||
| They don't remember the fight at all. | ||
| Sometimes they don't remember the whole day. | ||
| They don't remember getting up in the morning, brushing their teeth, taking shit. | ||
| They don't remember anything. | ||
| The races? | ||
| I've had some bombs like that. | ||
| It shuts off everything, and then when it comes back, your memory's just real sketchy. | ||
| Quite a few fighters have said after they got knocked out that they have no memory of that day at all. | ||
| It's a good way to fuck another lady. | ||
| I don't have any memory. | ||
| I just knocked out. | ||
| It's kind of every one of these podcasts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| That's for real. | ||
| I wake up in New York like, what the fuck? | ||
| Just, what was that? | ||
| Dude, I'm going, I'm at 8 a.m. | ||
| flight tomorrow. | ||
| Going straight to Boston. | ||
| Mistake. | ||
| Big mistake. | ||
| Doing the Wilbur. | ||
| It's going to be a... | ||
| Oh, that's nice. | ||
| Let me apologize now to the people who came to that. | ||
| You have the Wilbur tomorrow night? | ||
| Two of them. | ||
| It's going to be a train wreck. | ||
| You're going to be fine. | ||
| I'll take an Adderall. | ||
| Maybe you can hit me with some NAD or some shit. | ||
| Do you take Adderall sometimes when you're not feeling good? | ||
| I don't really touch it. | ||
| I used to take it for hangovers, and I just get too cracked out. | ||
| Does it really work for hangovers? | ||
| Oh, cleans it up two seconds. | ||
| You shit, and you're just flying. | ||
| What is the come down like? | ||
| It ain't pretty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's ugly. | |
| The mental anguish is brutal. | ||
| Talk about not getting it up. | ||
| You got Bobby Lee Dick on Adderall. | ||
| Well, that's an amphetamine thing, right? | ||
| Talk about not getting it up. | ||
| I'm sorry, Bobby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I apologize for him. | |
| So now I'm taking blue juice on top of the Adderall. | ||
| Then you try to drink it away when the show's over. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| It's hard out there for a bitch. | ||
| I'm going to get that merch. | ||
| I mean, this guy is smirking. | ||
| You look like the Joe Camel over here. | ||
| You're scary looking at these. | ||
| The problem with Adderall, what scares me about it is it's effective. | ||
| It works, baby. | ||
| If I started taking something that was effective like that, I don't know if I'd be able to go, no, no, no, let's go back to just being natural. | ||
| Yes, it works. | ||
| And I have some on me if you guys want to straighten out. | ||
| How straightened would it make you? | ||
| Well, look at this guy. | ||
| Are you certain? | ||
| He's going to Betty by. | ||
| Are you certain that that combination is a good combination? | ||
| That might be like really bad for your heart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It could be. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| You take amphetamines. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It might be a fucking chemical war in your body. | |
| I'll just dose myself. | ||
| Who's this guy? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| That's the shooter's fucking... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You don't even know this guy. | ||
| I don't know this guy. | ||
| You don't know this story? | ||
| I don't know this story. | ||
| There was a Colorado shooter, and then when they interviewed his dad, it turns out his dad was a... | ||
| His dad was on Adderall. | ||
| He fought in the UFC. His dad did a lot of Adderall. | ||
| I'm pretty sure Aaron Brink fought in the UFC. Yeah, he did. | ||
| And he was a legit MMA fighter back in the day, and then he became a porn star. | ||
| And his reaction to finding out that his son... | ||
| Was a shooter is the craziest thing you'll ever see. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Let's play it. | ||
| Is that worse than gay? | ||
| Dude, it's crazy. | ||
| Don't put that back in your pocket. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| I've been living with it for 15 years. | ||
| I got the wallet though. | ||
| It evens it out. | ||
| It doesn't even out jack shit. | ||
| It doesn't work like that. | ||
| Can I see the jokes? | ||
| I swear to God, I'll never destroy them. | ||
| They're varying densities. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| I just want to hold them. | ||
| I've never seen anything like this. | ||
| So listen to what he says. | ||
| Look, look, look, pay attention! | ||
| There's something wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just not the answer. | |
| What? | ||
| Does Princess die? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, this is... | ||
| Listen, listen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I show the thing that works, it's instant, and you'll get immediate results. | |
| This is fully you on Adderall. | ||
| That's his dad. | ||
| This is how the podcast ends. | ||
| This is how Joe Rogan ends. | ||
| I'm just like, hey, come down here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, good people probably... | |
| He's a little jacked up, huh? | ||
| Well, I guess we shouldn't be pointing and laughing right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mormons don't do gay. | |
| We don't do gay. | ||
| We don't do gay. | ||
| This isn't the real edit, is it? | ||
| No, this is a weird edit. | ||
| It's fucked up. | ||
| I love my son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love my son. | |
| I don't know what this is. | ||
| This is not it. | ||
| I was really fucking you up, dude. | ||
| I don't want to see that. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| People can go fine if you want to, but he's severely troubled. | ||
| Yeah, he's a mess. | ||
| He's on something, right? | ||
| You know what the thing about those notes is? | ||
| No one can read them. | ||
| I can read them. | ||
| It's like some hermetic text. | ||
| Yeah, I write them in Sanskrit. | ||
| It's like my own script, so no one else can read my shit. | ||
| Why not front pocket, though? | ||
| Front pocket's too small. | ||
| Who thought that was a decent idea? | ||
| Did I say that? | ||
| That was heavy as fuck. | ||
| I don't want that. | ||
| You brought it down. | ||
| It's like Apollo Santos. | ||
| I don't want that. | ||
| Look, he's clearly on something, right? | ||
| He keeps hugging himself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, man. | |
| That was a broad video. | ||
| The thing's a bummer, but it's even more of a bummer, the rest of it. | ||
| He jerks out 10-12 hours a day. | ||
| The same guy said he jerked off 10-12 hours a day. | ||
| He was on Interventions. | ||
| What? | ||
| For jerking? | ||
| He was on another show too, right? | ||
| What was the other show he was on? | ||
| Divorce Quirt? | ||
| He had a fucking run, dude. | ||
| He fought in the UFC. Before that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| And then he was on intervention? | ||
| Divorce court? | ||
| Renaissance man. | ||
| And then his kid becomes a shooter. | ||
| Fucking horrendous ending. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta go out with a bang. | ||
| Did he do porn? | ||
| I think he did pornography as well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He definitely did. | ||
| Pull it up! | ||
| Just imagine, you know, that's your dad. | ||
| Imagine you're that kid. | ||
| Imagine where we live in 2022. That kind of thing where there's shootings, mass shootings, multiple times a week. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Shut up, dude. | ||
| He's talking about fucking... | ||
| You're right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's copycats. | |
| It's very strange. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| One guy saw, oh, we can shoot people now, and then they just do it. | ||
| I think it's copycats. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| We need an episode on the Colorado shooter's father, a drug smuggling, meth-using, MMA fighter turned porn star. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Is that a kid? | ||
| That soul patch is a red flag. | ||
| Is that the kid? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the kid? | ||
| Leader of Limp Bizkit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| This one got sad. | ||
| We gotta clean it up. | ||
| Come on with the skulls. | ||
| That's a rough one. | ||
| So how about the World Cup? | ||
| USA won. | ||
| They beat the women-hating Iranians. | ||
| Did you see that this guy got assassinated in his car by the police? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He got assassinated in his car for cheering. | |
| He was cheering for USA. Pull the Charmin Bears up. | ||
| The Charmin Bears are very nice. | ||
| Yeah, there we go. | ||
| A dunk contest. | ||
| Or a fat guy falling. | ||
| Who got shot? | ||
| He was just a fan of the USA beating Iran. | ||
| He was just celebrating. | ||
| Iranman said killed by security forces while celebrating World Cup loss to USA. He was rubbing it in everybody's face. | ||
| He was like, ah, losers, you care about soccer. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are angry in Iran right now. | ||
| They're angry at the government. | ||
| So, uh, he was honking his horn and they just fucking shot into his car and killed him, shot him in the head. | ||
| We talk about America being shitty. | ||
| Dude, that's a guy next to him who worked at Cafe Wa after Trump got elected, black guy. | ||
| He started going to everybody and goes, we did it! | ||
| He started trying to give him high fives the night of the election. | ||
| We did it! | ||
| People were like, what? | ||
| Trump? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Black guy fucking high fiving you! | ||
| They're confused. | ||
| Damn, I ran, huh? | ||
| I haven't peed yet. | ||
| I'm going to outlast you on pissing. | ||
| I bet I can outlast you. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| I believe in you. | ||
| Trying to get something going here, JoJo. | ||
| No, I believe in you. | ||
| You're done with competition, huh? | ||
| I can only compete so many times on who has to pee. | ||
| It's not a smart thing to get involved with. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's like a gambling addiction. | ||
| As a bedwetter, I've got a bladder like you wouldn't believe. | ||
| Seriously, my dad wouldn't let me pee after 6pm. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ, really? | ||
| Well, he wouldn't let me have liquid after 6 p.m. | ||
| because he was worried about me wetting the bed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| He's old school. | ||
| Yeah, that 6 p.m. | ||
| was the limit. | ||
| It was the cutoff. | ||
| So I was just thirsty eating Doritos. | ||
| Did you have the alarm clock bedspread? | ||
| No, but I had the thing that I clipped to my boxers and it felt wetness and it would beep. | ||
| It would beep. | ||
| I just drink water when I'm thirsty. | ||
| And I drink water with electrolytes at night and I know I have to pee. | ||
| And I'm like, this is a stupid move. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, this is a stupid move. | ||
| I'm drinking water at 10 p.m. | ||
| I'm chugging a giant thing of water at 10 p.m. | ||
| But I don't care. | ||
| I'm like, right now I'm thirsty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And in the middle of the night, I'm like, you dumb motherfucker. | |
| 3 o'clock in the morning, I have to pee. | ||
| I'm like, you stupid fuck! | ||
| But you won't be hungover, at least. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It hydrates. | ||
| But it's not even... | ||
| I do it all the time, anyway. | ||
| Yeah, well, you don't take sleeping pills. | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm hooked. | ||
| You're hooked. | ||
| I need them. | ||
| You love the weed. | ||
| Which ones do you take? | ||
| Well, I take edibles just to conk out, and then I take Seroquil. | ||
| No, really? | ||
| Is that bad? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Anything like that. | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| Doesn't sound natural. | ||
| Lucky we have Google. | ||
| Definitely ain't natural. | ||
| I'd like you to say, give it a Goog. | ||
| Give it a Goog, J-Mo, but I can't sleep without it. | ||
| I'm not a sleeper. | ||
| I've been up all night. | ||
| But don't you think eventually you'd fall asleep? | ||
| Yeah, but then you gotta wake up at, you know, 8. He's hooked. | ||
| But don't you think that eventually you'd get into a cycle where you could just go to sleep and then wake up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Can't sleep without it. | ||
| No. | ||
| The brain, it just keeps going. | ||
| It's like a Japanese game show. | ||
| It keeps going like, so your mind, okay, so it's like an idea thing. | ||
| So you're like flooded with ideas and you have to lay down and you're lying down and you can't stop thinking. | ||
| The memories, the childhood, the jokes, the mean stuff, the hatred. | ||
| You're tired, as soon as you shut your eyes, it goes... | ||
| You say the mean stuff and the hatred, is that the predominant? | ||
| No, meme stuff or mean stuff? | ||
| Mean stuff. | ||
| You said mean stuff. | ||
| Mean. | ||
| You know, mean thoughts, you suck, you're not funny, you're worthless, you know, all that shit. | ||
| There's a risk of... | ||
| Tardive. | ||
| Tard? | ||
| Dyskinesia. | ||
| Am I saying that right? | ||
| Dyskinesia. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Dyskinesia. | ||
| Uncontrollable, repetitive facial movements associated with antipsychotics, including Seroquel. | ||
| You're taking an antipsychotic, son. | ||
| Significant weight loss. | ||
| That's good, right? | ||
| Has been reported, although may cause weight gain in some people. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| May precipitate a manic episode in people with undiagnosed bipolar disorder. | ||
| I don't think I have that. | ||
| Well, there you go. | ||
| It's undiagnosed. | ||
| So I'm alright. | ||
| So are those the only side effects? | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| Your doctor should monitor progression of potential long-term side effects of Seroquel, which can include cataracts, weight gain, high blood sugar, high cholesterol, and tardive dyskinesia. | ||
| He's already got it. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| What's Seroquil do? | ||
| It helps them sleep. | ||
| You know what I told them? | ||
| I said, well, just stay up until you can't sleep anymore. | ||
| Or stay up until you can't stay up anymore. | ||
| We're in a different time zone every day. | ||
| I'm drinking, the flights, the shows, the gigs. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| How would cavemen survive without Seroquil? | ||
| Well, they didn't do the Chuckle Hut either. | ||
| They didn't do the Funny Bone in Omaha. | ||
| Great room. | ||
| Do you do it because you love it? | ||
| Do you love that you can take a sleeping pill and conk out? | ||
| And it works. | ||
| Doesn't it fuck you? | ||
| Don't you get, like, fucking wild-ass dreams? | ||
| Crazy dreams. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| That's what Kevin James told me when he was... | ||
| He used to take the, what's the other one? | ||
| Ambien. | ||
| Ambien's bad news. | ||
| He woke up once. | ||
| He had made dinner in the middle of the night and didn't know about it. | ||
| And he went downstairs and was like, who the fuck made this? | ||
| Like, who cooked? | ||
| Yeah, look at Roseanne. | ||
| She had a career. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Dude, Ambien is bad. | ||
| Bad. | ||
| It's like, you disassociate. | ||
| You don't know what the fuck you're saying. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Ari, what are you thinking about? | ||
| I want my dog in here. | ||
| You want your dog? | ||
| I want him so bad, dude. | ||
| Bring the dog in. | ||
| There's a lot of electronics. | ||
| Bring that dog in here. | ||
| I think they're listening in the lobby. | ||
| Bring the dog in. | ||
| Listen, you dog chews one of the wires. | ||
| We have a real problem. | ||
| He won't chew wires. | ||
| Kick him in the ribs. | ||
| Is that a girl? | ||
| He doesn't see gender. | ||
| Gender is over. | ||
| You call her a he? | ||
| Is he a she? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's a he. | ||
| Oh, it is? | ||
| I'd say. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| You got a real Elliot Page on you, huh? | ||
| Sweet dog, dude. | ||
| Where'd you get that dog? | ||
| Snars. | ||
| It's the name of the rescue. | ||
| Snars on the way to Sal's wedding. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| It's a great, great name. | ||
| Sal's wedding. | ||
| Yeah, some sucker adopted her, and then the dumb fucking inbred kid was allergic. | ||
| Gave it back. | ||
| Whoa, bro. | ||
| Their loss is my gain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jewish kid. | |
| Why are you talking about kids? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Well, wait a minute. | ||
| Every dog's a rescue now. | ||
| I've never heard of a guy say it's not a rescue. | ||
| How can they all be rescues? | ||
| How much do you pay for your dog? | ||
| My dog is not a rescue. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Louie's is not. | ||
| He's a golden retriever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bobby Kelly's is not. | |
| But we wanted a very specific kind of dog. | ||
| Yeah, not a rescue, golden retrievers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or French Bulldogs. | ||
| Everybody has one. | ||
| Sweetest fucking dog. | ||
| Those are not rescues. | ||
| They call them rescues, I feel like. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Although the people that would have a French Bulldog would say it's a rescue. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's not. | ||
| Certain dogs, like, they've just engineered them to be love machines. | ||
| Yeah, Pomeranian. | ||
| Those are cute. | ||
| There's dogs that are just fucking love machines. | ||
| They just want to love you. | ||
| That's all we want. | ||
| Because they used to herd sheep and fuck kids or whatever, but now they don't want that anymore. | ||
| We just want to hug. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right? | ||
| Same with cats. | ||
| Dogs used to fuck kids. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| I'm really enjoying this. | ||
| They used to hurt sheep and fuck kids. | ||
| Mark's the only one not high on his ass. | ||
| He's just talking. | ||
| He's trying to fill the area. | ||
| I ate half of it. | ||
| I took a stem. | ||
| Well, no, then we'd have no pun. | ||
| No, that's funny. | ||
| I actually like it. | ||
| I like what's going on. | ||
| Guys, we're fine. | ||
| We got a good thing cooking, except Ari's out to lunch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm back! | |
| Are you? | ||
| I'm back! | ||
| I was going on a minute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm back! | |
| It's like a career. | ||
| Feeling good. | ||
| It's like a career. | ||
| It's making me laugh watching you. | ||
| Trying to hold something together. | ||
| How about the World Cup? | ||
| Guy got fucking shot. | ||
| We don't see each other until every four months. | ||
| We just got to be careful with the crosstalk, because nobody can understand anything anybody's saying. | ||
| This episode is brought to you by Crosstalk. | ||
| Is that an old Will Smith sitcom? | ||
| Will Smith is done. | ||
| He's not done. | ||
| He's got to make a big comeback. | ||
| Talk to Kanye. | ||
| He's got a movie coming out. | ||
| And he's worried about the attendance. | ||
| What are you saying, Jamie? | ||
| I'm disagreeing. | ||
| I think it's an Apple movie, though. | ||
| Well, I'm sure they probably filmed it all before that. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Isn't it like an action movie? | ||
| It better be. | ||
| He plays a slave escaping. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I've never heard of that before. | ||
| It's an action thriller is what it's listed as. | ||
| So yeah, it's Emancipation. | ||
| Maybe the guilt will kick in and we'll all go see it. | ||
| So. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, that is true. | ||
| Who would have thought, guys? | ||
| The hard part is Chris Rock has a lot of pressure to write a chunk on that. | ||
| That's a lot of pressure. | ||
| Don't let him fucking say what you do. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| He's not going to let him, like, everyone's like, now we want a bit about that, because I was already writing bits. | ||
| I'm not doing this. | ||
| I heard he's murdering it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| I heard from everybody's murder. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| I saw him in Austin. | ||
| He said he murdered it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I went on the road. | ||
| We went to Philly together. | ||
| Now we're talking. | ||
| How long ago was this? | ||
| Two months ago. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| How was it? | ||
| It was incredible. | ||
| It was one of those moments in comedy where you're like, God damn. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's good stuff. | ||
| But he had a joke about it, and it was incredibly funny. | ||
| Thank God he didn't fucking heed your advice, dickhead. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I heard he's back to bring the pain levels. | ||
| I saw at the VU and he was like, the phones are locked up, right? | ||
| And he said crazy shit. | ||
| He was saying, Colin Quinn's like, oh my god! | ||
| And I was like, I know, it felt like old comedy again. | ||
| Well, if anybody can do it, he can do it now. | ||
| After getting slapped like that, and they give a standing ovation to the guy that slapped him. | ||
| They're such fucking phonies. | ||
| Bro, it's a mind virus. | ||
| And if anybody didn't know it, if you watch that pattern of behavior, how that all plays out, and how that makes any sense to anybody, that's how crazy those people are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What losers. | |
| What fucking dorks they all are. | ||
| They don't know what to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, buddy! | |
| Yeah! | ||
| Yeah, let's get a dog in here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Best dog in the world! | ||
| Panic! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's in it! | |
| Wow. | ||
| Artie chewed a quarter. | ||
| Chewed a quarter. | ||
| That's the way. | ||
| Chewed it away. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| It was a quarter. | ||
| Straight for a quarter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's ice cubes. | |
| I give them cheap treats. | ||
| That's the first addition to this group, is that dog. | ||
| It's the only person we've let in. | ||
| What did you just say? | ||
| See how Brian Simpson was trying to get on? | ||
| He was trying. | ||
| Just to go do a drink contest with you. | ||
| I'm like, what are we doing here? | ||
| Not on my watch, Bri. | ||
| Look at that sweetie. | ||
| There's only four mics. | ||
| Aw. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Aw. | |
| Look how sweet. | ||
| That is a nice dog. | ||
| Good looking, bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| I love with you. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| That's fucking weird. | ||
| That's gross. | ||
| That's white people shit. | ||
| You're out of the group. | ||
| Dude, the dog doesn't like it. | ||
| The dog's like, what is this guy doing to me? | ||
| Well, now the dog's gonna get high. | ||
| You ever hear Big J's joke about Michael Jackson had dog belly? | ||
| No. | ||
| It was dog belly. | ||
| It's so funny, dude. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Big J, funny guy. | ||
| The best. | ||
| You can't have her running around here, brother. | ||
| No, she's fine. | ||
| She doesn't chew cords. | ||
| Yeah, but that's what you say. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| Maybe I have cords in my eyes. | ||
| She's gonna chew a cord. | ||
| She never chewed a cord before. | ||
| I never thought she would chew a cord. | ||
| It's a dog. | ||
| I'm gonna chew a cord. | ||
| It's not a rat. | ||
| A dog better not chew a cord. | ||
| I gave her ice. | ||
| According to Jim. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't you feel better with the presence of a dog in hell? | |
| I'll see you all in hell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Fuck it! | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| He just goes according to Jim. | ||
| I got the cord in there. | ||
| Alright, J-Mo! | ||
| Bring it up According to Jim. | ||
| Every time he has a reference, I want an image of it, please. | ||
| That'd be nice. | ||
| Please. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's the Jim Belushi show, right? | ||
| According to Jim. | ||
| According to Jim. | ||
| Crazy reference. | ||
| I'll never not think about it every time I say According to Jim. | ||
| Those shows, you try to watch those shows, try to watch one of those really bland sitcoms. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's just in Norman's brain. | ||
| They're talking about cords. | ||
| Don't they take the kids to be happy and jovial? | ||
| The wife's always too hot, and he's always an idiot. | ||
| It's like every show prototype. | ||
| Try watching one of those now. | ||
| Oh, they're wacky. | ||
| It just seems like you're watching people wear powdered wigs in the 18th century. | ||
| It's so fake. | ||
| The laugh track. | ||
| It's so fake now. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| It's kooky. | ||
| Well, you know, the thing is, once you get used to doing podcasts and talking like this, talking normal, there he is. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| That guy rules. | ||
| He's a fat stogie. | ||
| He took that money. | ||
| He might rule. | ||
| Was the jury out? | ||
| He definitely rules. | ||
| He's got a cowboy hat. | ||
| He left Hollywood to launch a pod farm. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| He gets it. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's hot. | ||
| He gets it. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| Listen, who might have judged? | ||
| I was on Fear Factor for six years. | ||
| Oh, good point. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| I would have done that stupid show. | ||
| News Radio wasn't there. | ||
| I would have been his wacky brother. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Let's go to the club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| That would have been his brother on that stupid show. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| Listen, back in those days, especially in the 90s, when people offered you roles on sitcoms, you said yes. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Look at Andy Dick. | ||
| Made a career out of it. | ||
| Yeah, well, I was on news radio with him. | ||
| How was he? | ||
| He was funny. | ||
| He's a funny guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's funny. | |
| He's fucking talented as shit, man. | ||
| We had scenes, and I couldn't stop laughing. | ||
| I couldn't keep a straight face. | ||
| There's a scene in news radio that I always point to. | ||
| It's them burying a rat. | ||
| And then Joe not able to... | ||
| They didn't get any good takes without Joe laughing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta find it. | ||
| It's them bearing a rat, and someone's like, we should say a service to the rat. | ||
| And then he's so funny, and Joe's like, they're like, Joe, just say nothing, I'm sure, right? | ||
| Yeah, I just couldn't. | ||
| I was just hanging in there as much as I could. | ||
| We did like six takes. | ||
| How was it being on that set? | ||
| You got Phil Hartman, you got the other guy. | ||
| Andy Dick was the funniest. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was a different kind of funny. | ||
| Towards the end. | ||
| Like, Dave Foley was very funny. | ||
| I love Foley. | ||
| No, it's when everyone's around later. | ||
| We're right before this, right before this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Friendship. | |
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This. | |
| For our kind, it's camaraderie and conversation. | ||
| But for those poor creatures eking out a hardscrabble existence every day, it's something else entirely. | ||
| Man, you are hunky. | ||
| - Hunky. | ||
| - You're hunk, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
- A tasty bean. | |
| So as we bid farewell to Mike or Mike's friend, we'll never know for sure. | ||
| We must remember that we-- - Someone had an overnight pickup. | ||
| - Hey, buddy. | ||
| We're in the middle of something here, okay? - Yeah, I'm sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you could just give us a moment, thanks. | |
| All right, I guess. - Did she bang any cast members? | ||
| Just Dave. | ||
| She's got a bot on her. | ||
| Just Dave. | ||
| I think we might be playing too much of this. | ||
| It's right after this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm fucking enthralled. | ||
| Yeah, I'm bored. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I'm bored and it's me. | ||
| No, but if it was me, I'd say please turn this off. | ||
| I think that's the wrong one. | ||
| No, it's watch. | ||
| It was that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a stupid fucking watch again! | |
| Why, dude? | ||
| It's a Timex. | ||
| So many things are so confusing to me. | ||
| Never stops ticking. | ||
| But it also makes sense. | ||
| Where's that dog? | ||
| You better not be chewing on fucking cords. | ||
| Oh great. | ||
| Oh, I gave him a shroom chocolate. | ||
| The chocolate's a problem. | ||
| It's a Shafir. | ||
| He's got plenty. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| Isn't it weird that chocolates kill dogs? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| You've seen it? | ||
| I did it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I didn't know. | ||
| I gave him a Twix. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, when I was a kid. | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
| The dog died? | ||
| And it really flips, it spazzes, it's wild. | ||
| Is that how you did it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was me! | |
| Bromine content. | ||
| It's like a horse with a carrot. | ||
| It's theobromine content which dogs are unable to metabolize correctly. | ||
| If your dog eats chocolate, you should monitor them closely to see and seek veterinary attention if they show any symptoms, or if they're very young, pregnant, or have other health concerns. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| What happened to the dog? | ||
| What kind of dog was it? | ||
| A lot of yakking. | ||
| It was a... | ||
| No. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| What was his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A terry. | |
| Shadow. | ||
| No, Shadow! | ||
| Like a Wizard of Oz dog. | ||
| You ever hear about that bear that ate the cocaine? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Pablo Escobar. | ||
| They're making a movie now. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| That's not mine. | ||
| That's a great joke. | ||
| I wish. | ||
| Wait, what was the bear that ate the coke? | ||
| Yeah, like some dudes like drop some coke out of parachutes. | ||
| It's a movie now? | ||
| They're making a movie. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Coke jump bear is killing everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Haha. | |
| That's fun. | ||
| Coke jump bear. | ||
| That's a good movie. | ||
| Boy, movies have hit a new low, huh? | ||
| This is probably the best movie you'll ever see. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| The Coked Up Bear. | ||
| This movie rules. | ||
| This movie rules. | ||
| Why would you ever not be watching this movie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This movie rules. | |
| Look at this. | ||
| They find packages of coke based inspired by truth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Ray Leona's last movie! | ||
| His last movie was Cocaine Bear. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| The bear's eating the coke. | ||
| And the guy's yelling at the bear. | ||
| A bear did cocaine! | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is silly. | |
| A bear did cocaine! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a bear. | |
| A bear? | ||
| It was far! | ||
| Hey! | ||
| Oh, come on, guys. | ||
| It's the height of comedy. | ||
| This is pretty fucking shitty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, not so bad. | |
| This is like the worst movie this ever really was. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| This is his last movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I gotta see that. | |
| I gotta see that. | ||
| What's the name of that? | ||
| Cocaine bear. | ||
| I'll definitely see a cocaine bear. | ||
| I don't think you're creative enough to change it. | ||
| We keep talking about doing like a fight companion for bad movies. | ||
| That's a great idea. | ||
| That might be the movie. | ||
| Mystery science. | ||
| Come on, that might be the movie to do it. | ||
| Cocaine bear. | ||
| They should have gone the other way and have the bear be like, we should start a bar. | ||
| This is the best out of our lives. | ||
| We're having a great time. | ||
| Have you gotten into crypto? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| FTX. That FTX thing is crazy because so many people were spokespeople for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that the one where Tom Brady broke up his marriage? | |
| Tom Brady's having a rough fucking... | ||
| That didn't break up his marriage. | ||
| Oh, I bet that was it. | ||
| You didn't quote me on that. | ||
| I'm telling you, she was like, we better split ties right now there, Tommy, because it's about to get ugly. | ||
| Who's the fortune favors the bold? | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| That was Matt Damon. | ||
| Matt Damon, for which Bitcoin? | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| I forget. | ||
| Which one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crypto... | |
| Fortune favors the bold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He told us people to put their money in. | |
| I think they own the Staples Center now. | ||
| When he was comparing it to people going to the moon, and I'm like, bro... | ||
| They don't own it. | ||
| They named it. | ||
| They don't own it. | ||
| Well, of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you, JD. JD, correct me real quick for you. | |
| What'd you say? | ||
| I said they don't own it. | ||
| We can't have three different conversations going on, kids. | ||
| When they were talking about... | ||
| Somebody say kids? | ||
| He was doing that commercial where he was comparing it to space travel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Talking about innovators, groundbreakers. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Telling all these fucking barely-making people to throw all the money at us. | ||
| By the way, I'm a big Matt Damon fan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
...who almost adventured, who almost achieved, but ultimately... | |
| He's telling regular people to be Galileo. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're talking about people who embrace the moment. | |
| That guy's not embracing the moment. | ||
| That guy's a crazy fuck climbing a glacier. | ||
| That's not smart. | ||
| This is cheesy. | ||
| The Wright Brothers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mere mortals. | |
| Just like you and me. | ||
| It's funny, those guys invented flight and climbed a mountain. | ||
| They're like, look at these gay guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These guys just kissed. | |
| That was a guy and a girl kissing, wasn't it? | ||
| It's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Four simple words that have been whispered by the intrepid since the time of the Romans. | |
| Fortune favors the brave. | ||
| It's not really braved by crypto. | ||
| Well, it is now. | ||
| Now it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When something like that FTX thing goes down where you watch billions of dollars just disappear, yeah. | ||
| I lost a fortune. | ||
| Fortune, favorites, and brave? | ||
| Is that what you were doing there with that? | ||
| Well, I'm just saying, I lost a lot of money. | ||
| Did you lose a lot of money? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You really did put money in crypto? | ||
| I did. | ||
| I'm trying to tell you. | ||
| Oh, I thought you were joking. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I lost a ton. | ||
| How much? | ||
| I don't want to get into numbers here. | ||
| It's being impolite. | ||
| How much? | ||
| Enough to disturb you. | ||
| That was the first time I checked. | ||
| I lost like 15 grand this year. | ||
| In the tens of thousands. | ||
| I thought it was the right thing to do. | ||
| I saw the commercial. | ||
| I was never going to take it out of there. | ||
| So people are suing Larry David. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was just in a commercial. | ||
| Because he did a commercial for them. | ||
| They're suing... | ||
| There's a class action lawsuit. | ||
| I think it involves... | ||
| Find out what it does. | ||
| Tom Brady, Larry David. | ||
| They're saying, why'd you tell us to do this? | ||
| I don't know that it's gone through yet. | ||
| I think they've talked about it. | ||
| So some people are saying, but then there's also the people that are like, where's my money? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And this guy is just going to go to some New York Times thing that they're doing this week, right? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They've got some New York Times thing where people are speaking, and he's gonna go up there, hey, I fucked up. | ||
| Hey, everyone. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| In the end, you shouldn't do that. | ||
| It's live? | ||
| He's on right now. | ||
| He's on right now. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, margin positions opened with that. | |
| It's probably going to be very boring. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A bunch of that over to FTX this year when they shut down. | |
| This guy's a weirdo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And that means, you know, I think it was over collateralized positions, but positions that involve substantial size and substantial U.S. dollar size. | |
| What the fuck, dude? | ||
| This is nuts. | ||
| It's like Oz. | ||
| It's like the fucking guy back there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| Don't look past the curtain. | ||
| Couldn't get this guy a better plant? | ||
| Alright, put the headphones on so you can hear this guy. | ||
| Alright, I wanna hear him. | ||
| No, it's bizarre. | ||
| Jewish, yay or nay? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Could be. | |
| I would go yay. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's his name? | |
| Fried. | ||
| Fried. | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He balled out. | |
| Got a real bird's nest on him, huh? | ||
| Jealous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, Mulaney. | |
| Look at him shaking. | ||
| I think he just shakes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bro, he's tweaking. | |
| Yeah, look at the pupils are huge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, given the size of the position, I think it was... | |
| Like a doll's eyes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If not in intention, it was, in effect, tied together substantially more than I would have ever wanted it to be. | |
| This is weird. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just studying him. | |
| Nexuses? | ||
| I know the people from Alameda decently well, almost as if you don't know what's happening there. | ||
| And there isn't like a large amount, you know, of ways remain that we are actively working together. | ||
| Anything like that, Alameda is a wholly separate entity. | ||
| There are different offices, like different principal offices. | ||
| We don't have any shared personnel. | ||
| We're also not the same company. | ||
| We not all are under the same corporate umbrella or anything like that. | ||
| And yet it seems Like Alameda people, we're living in the same penthouse where you may very well be right now. | ||
| I guess it seems that way, doesn't it, asshole? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right? | |
| Most of Alameda was not there. | ||
| I don't live there now, but... | ||
| I have not lived there. | ||
| Skinny arms. | ||
| I did live with one or two members of Alameda for a little while. | ||
| And I'll also say that as I was earlier this summer looking at the relationship, What a dweeb! | ||
| Well, I think he's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think he's... | |
| He's really autistic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| I can't recognize my own. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And so when I was looking at... | |
| You're like a betta fish? | ||
| Fuck this guy! | ||
| Swiping on him like a cat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That had fallen off from something like 85% in 2019 to something like 2%. | |
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This year, but in terms of positions and balances... | |
| We lost a robot. | ||
| This is so strange. | ||
| I don't even know what he's talking about. | ||
| I'm just studying his mannerisms. | ||
| Yeah, he's tweaking out like Hitler at those fucking games. | ||
| 100% tweaking out. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's a lot of pressure. | ||
| Very under pressure. | ||
| Also, he's tweaking from that for sure. | ||
| Imagine, billions of dollars are missing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was live? | |
| Gone, yeah. | ||
| That's live, dude. | ||
| He's getting... | ||
| Billions of dollars. | ||
| Are just gone? | ||
| And, you know, they've got, like, all these tweets and shit. | ||
| Different things that they've said in different... | ||
| Statements that he said about his company that just seemed to be untrue. | ||
| Live updates of the stuff he was saying during it, too. | ||
| But the thing that he was just discussing there was another company called Alameda, and apparently they'd moved $10 billion over to Alameda, and they don't know how that was done or what it was done, but it was like a company that was connected to them. | ||
| And initially he lied about it and said he didn't work with those people, and they were all banging each other. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| They were fucking that guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, that was last week. | |
| They were fucking that guy? | ||
| He's gone. | ||
| Yeah, he lived in a house with like 10 people. | ||
| They were all banging each other. | ||
| Influencer house for Bitcoin? | ||
| Every time. | ||
| And they were all doing amphetamines. | ||
| This lady who was one of them, she wrote on Twitter. | ||
| This was like one of the top people at his company. | ||
| What was the exact quote? | ||
| We talked about it yesterday. | ||
| I don't want to paraphrase because I'm high. | ||
| You know you're on shrooms when the screen is all flunky. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I feel like I watch things and they're not even there. | |
| I can just picture things happening on that screen. | ||
| So he's gonna fry. | ||
| He's gone down. | ||
| It looks like Fryd is fucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| It looks like he's fucked. | ||
| That wasn't great. | ||
| I didn't understand one word. | ||
| I don't remember one word. | ||
| Freed, rather, is fucked. | ||
| Nothing like regular amphetamine used to make you appreciate how dumb a lot of normal, non-medicated human experience is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is in April of 2021. I thought that's her reaction to what we just saw. | |
| She was one of the top dogs over there. | ||
| She was one of the top people over there, and they were all banging each other. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| On speed, banging each other, making billions of fake money. | ||
| What did they do? | ||
| Figure out a way to take the money away from the people? | ||
| I don't know what happened, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| It was like Wilt Chamberlain's. | ||
| They lived in a $40 million penthouse, and now it's listed for sale. | ||
| All those dorks are fucking in this corner. | ||
| They're fucking in there. | ||
| Bro, they thought they were in a movie. | ||
| They thought they were in a movie. | ||
| They're on amphetamines. | ||
| They're banging. | ||
| Good for them. | ||
| Yeah, but they know how those movies end. | ||
| They're pushing half-saw dicks into each other. | ||
| Oh shit, there's a dog in it. | ||
| What does it smell like? | ||
| Part of me is rooting for them. | ||
| Part of me is like, I wish they weren't stealing money. | ||
| I wish it wasn't a Ponzi scheme. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| I wish, because if it wasn't a Ponzi scheme... | ||
| Easy. | ||
| It's funny how that guy... | ||
| If it wasn't a Ponzi scheme, it would be nice to be off there. | ||
| It would be amazing to see that they succeed and they go over there and they start making all this money. | ||
| He wouldn't succeed. | ||
| If it wasn't a Ponzi, he wouldn't succeed. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's a chicken to the egg. | ||
| But that guy either goes school shooter or crypto. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| I'm going to take these. | ||
| We're going to get closer together. | ||
| I'm going to get on a flight. | ||
| There's something about those crypto people. | ||
| It's like, there's something about people that are just venturing out into the world of a new thing that you're just like, are you sure? | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| Well, that's why it's Fortune Favors the Bold. | ||
| They're like the Wright brothers. | ||
| Yeah, but I don't mean just people investing in it. | ||
| I mean, people that are like the top executives and they're involved in this. | ||
| It's like, what a weird fucking world you're navigating. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So when you dosed Bert, how much you give him? | ||
| Oh, actual amount? | ||
| I gave him about a half of what I would do. | ||
| And then I did the other half and mine. | ||
| So, I forgot now. | ||
| I saw him that night. | ||
| He was having a blast. | ||
| He was having a blast. | ||
| Yeah, obviously. | ||
| Your dog just tried to eat something off the table. | ||
| No, it was treats. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| Joe, my dog's cool. | ||
| Don't mix up the treats. | ||
| I'm not worried about your dog being cool. | ||
| Your dog's very cool. | ||
| I just don't want your dog to accidentally get fucked up. | ||
| Joe just doesn't trust you. | ||
| He's like, no way I can train this dog right. | ||
| She's so sweet. | ||
| Even the dogs are yawning. | ||
| Look at that face. | ||
| Oh, I have a big announcement to make. | ||
| What's the announcement? | ||
| Skankfest is the last weekend of September. | ||
| What? | ||
| Next year? | ||
| That's a big announcement. | ||
| No one's going to remember that, bro. | ||
| We'll do three or four Protect Our Parks between now and then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's happening. | |
| That's a long time. | ||
| Wait, here's a question. | ||
| Who will die first out of all of us? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Someone will die first out of all of us. | ||
| I could be Ari. | ||
| Well, you're going to be in Guatemala fighting the pirates or who knows what. | ||
| If I die, it'll be weird. | ||
| It'd be under weird circumstances. | ||
| You'd get killed by an octopus. | ||
| Yeah, you could even China. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Who guys first seen all of us? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| One of us statistically, maybe J-Mo, but statistically, one of us will die. | ||
| J-Mo's pretty good. | ||
| Yeah, you're safe. | ||
| You're behind a desk. | ||
| I feel like it'd be me or Shane, probably. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Die first, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, we're taking chances. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Living life. | ||
| We're out there. | ||
| Just doing drugs. | ||
| Not doing much else. | ||
| Out there hustling. | ||
| Life is for living. | ||
| Keeping it real. | ||
| One of them is real, dude. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| I mean, think about how many comics since we've started have died. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot. | |
| Patrice, Ralphie Mae, fucking fentanyl folk. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| Suicide. | ||
| Suicide? | ||
| It's rough. | ||
| Yeah, Geraldo. | ||
| What the fuck are we doing again? | ||
| Yeah, what are we doing? | ||
| Can we go back to good stuff? | ||
| All right, that's a cute dog. | ||
| It's just, you know. | ||
| Who's in charge there? | ||
| Norman, get us another topic. | ||
| We're gonna be okay. | ||
| We're gonna be okay. | ||
| It's just that you don't appreciate, you don't want to live forever. | ||
| You see Alyssa Milano and Musk fighting? | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| That's adorable. | ||
| Yeah, she bought a Volkswagen. | ||
| Yeah, because she said there's too many Nazis on Twitter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so funny that they're like, oh, yeah, we don't care about recycling anymore. | |
| I'm playing a car created by Nazis. | ||
| Balenciaga was Nazi, too. | ||
| Was he? | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Yeah, that was a Nazi company. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| So was Adidas. | ||
| Maybe that's the one I'm thinking. | ||
| Adidas was a Nazi company. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Yeah, Adidas, that was the craziest thing about them dropping Kanye. | ||
| Was it like Hugo Boss? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hugo Boss for sure. | ||
| IBM. I got fired from the IBM spot because of a tweet once, but I was like, you made systems to process Jews faster. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wasn't, didn't Audi make like one of the very first race cars for Hitler? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Wasn't there a race car for Hitler that was made by Audi? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get away! | |
| Try to do a speed train. | ||
| It's a dope looking car too. | ||
| Pull it up! | ||
| It's not the fucking engineer's fault that they were stuck in Nazi Germany. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But those guys were bad motherfuckers. | ||
| They made this dope ass car that was like a... | ||
| It was supposed to like win the war or win, you know, races for the Nazi Party. | ||
| Well, he hated that Jesse Owens, I'll tell you that. | ||
| He really did hate Jesse Owens. | ||
| That's the Mercedes, but he had a race car. | ||
| Oh, that's sexy. | ||
| So why don't you just Google... | ||
| Googled BMW and I clicked on the wrong one as well. | ||
| That's not a race car. | ||
| No, but did you do Audi? | ||
| Did you try Audi? | ||
| Oh, you didn't hear me. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Guys, what's going on again? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| The second one there? | ||
| Right there. | ||
| That's the car. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| It looks like a dick. | ||
| So look at how the Audi symbol in the front. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's a dope little car, man. | ||
| That's a cool car. | ||
| That would win a war. | ||
| Pulling up to the comedy club and that? | ||
| To Brett Favre. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the craziest thing about the German engineers. | |
| That's amazing, but you've got 4.5 now. | ||
| Don't sell yourself short. | ||
| The thing about the engineering back then, do you know how much better that was than anything America was making? | ||
| Look at this, though. | ||
| This has the Mercedes symbol on it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That one has the Audi symbol on it. | ||
| Yeah, I think they were connected somehow or another. | ||
| It's almost like it was a conspiracy to try to bring them down. | ||
| I think he might be onto something. | ||
| Yeah, I forget what the connection is. | ||
| I forget what that worked, but I do remember the Audi symbol in the front. | ||
| It was the same car, yeah. | ||
| You know what's amazing? | ||
| Your dog likes me, dude. | ||
| He does like you. | ||
| It's a good dog. | ||
| You know what's amazing is how many people came out of that Nazi party that were fucking incredible engineers to the point where the United States adopted a bunch of them, the Soviets took a bunch of them. | ||
| They took all these scientists. | ||
| Well, a lot of them moved to South America. | ||
| Yeah, Argentina. | ||
| That's why they're very white down there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because of the German jizz. | ||
| Well, there's towns down there that are, like, fully German towns. | ||
| Oh, is that right? | ||
| Yeah, they have Oktoberfest. | ||
| Oh, yeah, they went there and drove. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| Tim Kennedy did that show called Finding Hitler. | ||
| So many Hitler shows. | ||
| It was what the rumor was. | ||
| The conspiracy theory was that Hitler had escaped and Hitler had made it to South America. | ||
| And that sounds ridiculous. | ||
| But for sure, Nazis made it to South America. | ||
| For fucking sure. | ||
| So that was where the rumor came from. | ||
| I could see it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| No, they found it. | ||
| Did they? | ||
| Yeah, he killed it. | ||
| He shot himself in the head. | ||
| They didn't find his body, though. | ||
| What? | ||
| They burned it. | ||
| He had his guys burn it. | ||
| He ate cyanide, shot himself, and then they burned the body. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| So no one would plan a victory? | ||
| Because he knew we'd be on the Joe Rogan Experience going, where the fuck did that guy go? | ||
| Where's his body? | ||
| Where the fuck is he, dude? | ||
| What's in the bag? | ||
| What's in the box? | ||
| Yeah, you gotta think about how many fucking insanely brilliant engineers and rocket scientists came out of that horrible regime. | ||
| Hitler and Eva Braun's remains were burnt in a shell crater outside the emergency exit at the left. | ||
| Who said it? | ||
| Seems suspicious. | ||
| I think Argentina's a better solution. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Oh, going to Argentina. | ||
| Kindler goes to Argentina. | ||
| Let me just throw this out. | ||
| Instead of shooting ourselves, Argentina. | ||
| Imagine they all just live in this town together and they go like this. | ||
| Phew! | ||
| What the fuck just happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck was going on? | |
| We lost our minds back there. | ||
| We gotta just accept everybody for who they are. | ||
| Agreed. | ||
| Agreed. | ||
| We went too far. | ||
| They had a good run. | ||
| Agreed. | ||
| I guess they just settled down and... | ||
| Now they just live there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're retired. | ||
| Like, there's pictures on people's walls of, like, SS soldiers. | ||
| Why do we talk about Hitler more than Mao? | ||
| Mao killed more people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know enough about that. | ||
| Stop Asian hate. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know enough about Mao. | ||
| Ah. | ||
| Mao Ying? | ||
| But it's also, it's like, what do you have the most video footage of? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's what has the big impact. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| We got the footage. | ||
| And Hitler was such a compelling speaker. | ||
| Such a scary speaker. | ||
| With that creepy ass mustache. | ||
| He ruined that mustache forever. | ||
| Shane would like to rock it, but he can't. | ||
| I want that mustache. | ||
| If Hitler wasn't a thing and you had that mustache too. | ||
| That mustache was preposterous. | ||
| You could own that mustache. | ||
| Even Adolf. | ||
| It makes your face even fatter. | ||
| That little tiny thing. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Well, it's supposed to be Charlie Chaplin. | ||
| That's what he did it after. | ||
| His favorite comedian. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No. | ||
| For real. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Hitler. | ||
| MJ brought it back. | ||
| Miles Jordan tried it for a while. | ||
| If anybody could do it, he could do it, and even he couldn't do it. | ||
| Well, he's the best at what he does as well as Hitler. | ||
| He had to let it go. | ||
| He had to let it go. | ||
| But wait a minute. | ||
| I'm telling you, Chaplin was the reason. | ||
| No way, really? | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| I heard him think that he liked Napoleon so much. | ||
| Hitler loved Napoleon. | ||
| He was a great world leader, took over, dominated. | ||
| So Napoleon had this tomb, whatever. | ||
| He's fine, he's fine. | ||
| And he would make everybody, he built it small, so when you entered Napoleon's tomb, you had to lower your head out of respect. | ||
| And Hitler knew that, and he goes, in the church in Notre Dame, and he goes, build me a series of mirrors so I don't have to lower my head. | ||
| I still want to see this fucking tomb. | ||
| I'm not lowering my head to this motherfucker. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Yeah, and he was able to see his body standing straight up. | ||
| Damn! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| What a fucking dumbass. | ||
| That's why I lost the war. | ||
| What a jerk. | ||
| He was so gay. | ||
| You know what I mean. | ||
| A filled Bavarian mustache, the kind of extravagant chops you can hang a hat on. | ||
| However, his superiors in the Bavarian Infantry Division ordered him to clip his mustache down so his gas mask would fit over his mouth properly. | ||
| So that's why you had a mustache like that. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So that mustache was to make a gas mask fit right. | ||
| Yeah, did you watch All Quiet on the Western Front? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| How is it? | ||
| I don't want to get depressed. | ||
| You want to talk about a true bummer? | ||
| That was a bummer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh man. | |
| What do you mean? | ||
| The fucking World War I was a bummer, dude. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, it doesn't get talked about because of the sequel. | ||
| It was a true bummer. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's like Terminator. | ||
| Yeah, that's why the sequel happened. | ||
| That's why he was out there. | ||
| Old Adolf was out there saying, what the fuck? | ||
| Why'd we do this? | ||
| Because it was the worst, most pointless war. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I mean, the worst was what they did. | ||
| Two. | ||
| Part two on the Eastern Front was the worst of all time. | ||
| Why was... | ||
| Oh, hold on. | ||
| It's bad, dude. | ||
| I'm not playing. | ||
| What was the point? | ||
| Was it Franz Ferdinand? | ||
| Was that it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, there's no reason. | ||
| There was no reason. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| There's gotta be a reason. | ||
| They got talked into it? | ||
| They didn't know, I guess? | ||
| Well, what do they think the reason was? | ||
| Allegedly, it was... | ||
| He was gay from Mussolini? | ||
| Franz Ferdinand got shot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then... | ||
| Germany was like, alright, we support your... | ||
| Well, it was an Austrian. | ||
| He was Austrian. | ||
| Versus, what, Serbia? | ||
| It was in Serbia? | ||
| I don't know, fuck it. | ||
| I don't want to do this. | ||
| You're the history guy. | ||
| You can't do history on mushrooms. | ||
| Everybody jumped in on everybody's sides. | ||
| That's a podcast. | ||
| History on mushrooms. | ||
| Jeremy was the first. | ||
| You can't shoot him. | ||
| We'll step in. | ||
| Then we all got to step in. | ||
| Then they all stepped in. | ||
| What's really crazy is that kind of warfare is not that far long ago. | ||
| Not that long ago at all, man. | ||
| That's how they used to march towards each other. | ||
| That was one, though, right? | ||
| But two, eight years ago. | ||
| But at least the Revolutionary War, you know why it started. | ||
| But you know why they're doing it, because of slavery, right? | ||
| Do you know what Metzger said to me last night that was intense? | ||
| Metzger goes, he goes, don't you fucking notice in video games, the number one video game is a World War II game? | ||
| He goes, is this the last one people feel good about winning? | ||
| World War II. You can go back to World War II. We were the good guys. | ||
| So that's the reason why you don't have modern weapons. | ||
| You can't move quicker. | ||
| Yeah, there's no Ukraine, Russia. | ||
| Everybody likes to duke it out like they're in the 40s. | ||
| You have real now warfare where they go like blowing up holes in like windows and like, sorry, keep your fucking dinner. | ||
| We'll move on. | ||
| Now it's drones. | ||
| You're like some regular person and you get online and you play like one of those games against these psychos that are on all day long. | ||
| All day long. | ||
| Just kidding. | ||
| There's people that are playing those games all day long. | ||
| Hi guys, you're Modern Warfare. | ||
| I tried to play it. | ||
| I tried to play them all the time. | ||
| I get killed right away. | ||
| You poked your head up, it's gone. | ||
| It'll be a pink mist. | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
| What? | ||
| These are strong. | ||
| What are you guys talking about? | ||
| These are strong. | ||
| The mushrooms. | ||
| Yeah, they're strong as fuck. | ||
| I know! | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Video games are dangerous. | ||
| They could take your life. | ||
| Absorb your life into a video game. | ||
| You're going to have so much fun, you're not even going to feel bad about it. | ||
| But then you look back, you're like, how many hours was that? | ||
| Just sitting in that room. | ||
| The last Call of Duty War Zone was built on Ukraine in a war zone, and it was way too close to reality. | ||
| There's real-life places that were really there in a city called Dostoyevsky. | ||
| It's the monkey on the left. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| You see the monkey in the shadow? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| They have a stadium. | ||
| They have different banks and whatnot. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Different parts of the city. | ||
| And it came out right when the pandemic started. | ||
| And then two years later, there's an actual war going on where all this is happening. | ||
| Are these real maps of the area? | ||
| It's not a one-to-one recreation, but it's very close. | ||
| These places exist. | ||
| People have found them on Google Maps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| See, we make fun of these gamers. | ||
| We're going to need them. | ||
| Well, I'm making fun of them, but you know, they do say that it does improve your brain function. | ||
| Oh, yeah! | ||
| Like, we wanted to say, oh, you have to play chess in order to make your brain function better. | ||
| Like, no, no, it's kind of any games. | ||
| I think it's any games. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Puzzles. | |
| Solving things. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Chess pains. | ||
| But yeah, no, they're good for depression as well. | ||
| Games are? | ||
| Video games are? | ||
| They cause depression in me. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| What am I doing in my life? | ||
| Candy Crush. | ||
| Sometimes you get done with them and you're like, what happened? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Where did the day go? | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| To get addicted to cell phone games. | ||
| I got rid of Angry Birds. | ||
| To like Zuma and Angry Birds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Playing Angry Birds at home is so funny. | ||
| What's that subway surfer one? | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's sad. | ||
| Subway surfer dudes. | ||
| What's the subway? | ||
| Same shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you're always jumping over stuff. | |
| It's so addictive. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You can't help yourself. | ||
| Yeah, you could be reading, but they're fun. | ||
| Yeah, you could be learning shit, but would you be enjoying yourself as much? | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| They give you something, but we just want to discount the enjoyment that they give you. | ||
| We love all kinds of enjoyment, but if you get enjoyment from a screen, what are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Waste your life getting enjoyment just doing that. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, if you just sit and meditate, everybody's cool with it. | ||
| Oh, good job. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's true. | ||
| You sit in the same spot. | ||
| You sit in the same spot. | ||
| Like, one way, you're watching something, and the other way, you're like, oh, mmm. | ||
| And we're like, that guy's good. | ||
| Yeah, we've decided that that's better. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| Same with a book. | ||
| You hold a book open, but you're like, that's a smart guy getting shit done. | ||
| But you could be reading a Kindle, and I go, ah, he's on a screen. | ||
| I think meditating is good for you, don't get me wrong, but if you're meditating, there's a part of you that's like, I'm just going to just settle down and relax. | ||
| Oh, that was good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just gonna find my center and then approach life from here. | |
| Wait, what about this? | ||
| This might be the shrooms talking, but what if we have real problems in America? | ||
| What if we made them into video games and let kids solve them? | ||
| And then we'd solve problems. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Well, I'm just saying, you know, you got... | ||
| Can you imagine if that's how World Events... | ||
| That's a movie and that's two movies. | ||
| That's Project X with Matthew Broderick and Ender's Game. | ||
| Thank God you're here. | ||
| These guys are about to discount that. | ||
| And now it's the movie. | ||
| Well, he wasn't going. | ||
| Jamie pulls out references. | ||
| Thank you, J-Mo. | ||
| He pulled out Ender's Game. | ||
| They make a kid think he's playing a game, but he's actually, like, controlling the whole fucking army. | ||
| You see? | ||
| SimCity! | ||
| I wasn't making fun of you. | ||
| Alright, well, the whole thing just... | ||
| Shut down. | ||
| If they just keep making drones, our drones fight each other. | ||
| That's gonna happen. | ||
| Yeah, drone fight drones. | ||
| How long before we have like proxy wars with machines going after each other? | ||
| Mistake! | ||
| I mean, we have... | ||
| Mistake! | ||
| Sitting in this whole fucking show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know, but we're trying to do a show here with entertainment. | |
| You just got here? | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| You just got there? | ||
| Yeah, your face is this fucking big. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I thought you were Buddha. | ||
| You look like one of those Eastern Island cuts. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| You're freaking me out! | ||
| Temple of Doom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| It'd be so funny if we just, tomorrow, it was deleted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I still can't believe his pile of notes. | |
| It could happen. | ||
| I still can't believe your pile of notes, man. | ||
| And you insist on keeping them in your pocket. | ||
| I got some new stuff on here. | ||
| You're going to get a bad back, man. | ||
| The pile of notes is nuts. | ||
| Strong as an ox. | ||
| I used to keep my wallet back there. | ||
| I had a guy when I was playing poker. | ||
| He's like, hey, I used to do that. | ||
| It'll give you sciatica. | ||
| And I was like, all right. | ||
| He goes, no, I have terrible back pain all the time. | ||
| You should take it out right now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, if you have like an imbalance, like a big fat wallet on one side and you sit on it, you're gonna get a fucked up back. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's a lot of pressure on one side of the disc. | ||
| So your body's hinging. | ||
| Alright, so you're constantly hinging and you're putting like this unnatural weight on one side of your back because you've got a rock under your ass. | ||
| So you're sitting like this. | ||
| So it puts more pressure on one side. | ||
| It can cause bulging discs. | ||
| Yeah, you shouldn't sit with anything in your back pocket. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Front pocket! | |
| You have a solution! | ||
| Just front pocket! | ||
| I got my keys in there! | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| See how that guy's sitting? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's Norman! | |
| That's you. | ||
| With that fat wallet. | ||
| See how his back's all fucked up? | ||
| That's like your back, right? | ||
| Yeah, that is my back. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's Tsursus. | |
| That was a false alarm. | ||
| I tried and I squirted. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Yeah, can we get the dog in here? | ||
| Slick that up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's nerd sheets. | |
| Whatever. | ||
| This is too much. | ||
| What an uncomfortable plan for it to be very high on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's perfect. | |
| It's perfect. | ||
| Dude, it was so funny seeing on like CNN or some dumb shit thing. | ||
| They go, Joe Rogan weighs in on this. | ||
| And it was you and Duncan. | ||
| And I was like, oh, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| It was just you in costumes. | ||
| We were dressed like clowns. | ||
| And they're like ignoring that. | ||
| We were dressed like clowns where the show was lit by candles. | ||
| Every show we do. | ||
| They're literally quoting you on a news cycle. | ||
| Dude, they've quoted me before where I was dressed like one of the patriots. | ||
| The powdered wig and all that. | ||
| Yeah, I had a powder wig on, I put the costume on, and we're talking about freedom and liberty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Look how classy-eyed you are! | ||
| We're barbecued. | ||
| And then look at that one. | ||
| I was dressed like an astronaut. | ||
| He was in a ghillie suit. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| Smart guy. | ||
| I do some of the best podcasts ever with him. | ||
| He's so fun. | ||
| Is this your first shroom ep? | ||
| No, I did shrooms with Post Malone. | ||
| That was probably the first one I did. | ||
| Post Malone rules. | ||
| Does he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He definitely rules. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He rules. | ||
| I'd like to know. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| He's a great guy, too. | ||
| His Nirvana thing was great. | ||
| He's fucking great. | ||
| He's also really fun to hang out with. | ||
| We had a good fucking time. | ||
| It was a lot of fun. | ||
| We were laughing, and he was talking about kicking a wolf's ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was like, I wish some bitch-ass wolf would try. | |
| But he knew. | ||
| We were just talking shit. | ||
| And we were laughing hard, man. | ||
| He's a funny dude, man. | ||
| He's a funny dude. | ||
| That dude could be a comic. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| No bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, he's a funny dude. | ||
| He tells funny stories. | ||
| I wish a wolf would try. | ||
| I wish that bitch-ass wolf would try. | ||
| I mean, we're barbecued, and we're just talking nonsense. | ||
| I'm pretty sure we were drinking, too. | ||
| It was a lot. | ||
| There was a lot going on in that episode. | ||
| But it was really fun. | ||
| But he's just a fucking regular dude who's got a wild talent. | ||
| Everybody's a regular guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Every single celeb. | ||
| They started out regular. | ||
| Yeah, everybody. | ||
| And when they're not, it's just a defensive mechanism. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I feel bad for the face tattoos. | ||
| How are you going to get a job? | ||
| You'll be okay. | ||
| Kids like the face tattoos today. | ||
| Quiznos. | ||
| For some reason. | ||
| They won't hire me. | ||
| Those face tattoos say I don't give a fuck! | ||
| It's a red flag to an HR. I'll scribble on my face! | ||
| Not a bad looking guy, I guess. | ||
| Great looking guy. | ||
| Good hairline. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like it. | |
| Yeah, good hairline. | ||
| You gotta love the hairline. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Solid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Look at those mitts! | ||
| Your hands are fucking wild, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It looks like those Hulk hands. | ||
| It looks like he's wearing the gloves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When I was little, it was very weird when I was young. | ||
| Imagine Joe Rogan as a six-year-old with those hands. | ||
| I had a gangly little body with these big-ass hands. | ||
| Breaking blocks. | ||
| When I first started doing martial arts, I was skinny, really skinny, but I had these big-ass hands and feet. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Decent dong. | ||
| Dong said the same. | ||
| That's a rumor going around. | ||
| Fitzsimmons too. | ||
| Huge hog. | ||
| I bet he got an angry dick. | ||
| Oh, Irish potato dick. | ||
| Angry pale dick. | ||
| Pale. | ||
| Definitely pale. | ||
| It can be 19 inches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's pale. | |
| Coming to get you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's Irish man like a fucking Northman. | |
| You're about to get impaled. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're ready for this pounding. | |
| I got a mole on mine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way! | |
| That's a problem! | ||
| Isn't it a trip how different people agree to talk in different parts of the world? | ||
| We just talk, hi, give it a pound, and you know it's from that part of the world. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| If you're talking like us, if you're over there, if you're in England, and you're doing an impression of an American, and you're talking like us, it's probably hilarious. | ||
| But it's funny that Boston is the transition. | ||
| That's still a little hang-up from English. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you know sign language is a different language in different countries? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| What a drag. | ||
| One chance to get it right. | ||
| They can't communicate with each other. | ||
| You only had one chance to get that right. | ||
| As soon as it gets scattered, it's gonna be like Bitcoin. | ||
| It's gonna be like all these other doggy coins. | ||
| And it's also English. | ||
| Irish sign language is different than English sign language is different than American sign language. | ||
| And someone's probably gonna patent it and say, no, this is RE sign language. | ||
| Everybody else's sign language. | ||
| Go fuck themselves. | ||
| But if you want to use this one, I got a piece. | ||
| Yeah, it's a bummer. | ||
| What if you've got arthritis, too? | ||
| You can only talk to deaf people in Ireland. | ||
| That's a good point, Mark Normand. | ||
| I have a point. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| I'm just saying, you're mute. | ||
| Here's a true story. | ||
| Dave Foley from NewsRadio cured his arthritis with CBD. No, really? | ||
| Yeah, he used to have, like, heavy arthritis in his hands. | ||
| Like, his hands didn't move well. | ||
| He started taking CBD and it just, like, completely... | ||
| Does it? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| No. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| At minimum, it's the bomb, but whatever it is, rub that shit on sore joints, it works. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| It reduces inflammation. | ||
| It definitely reduces inflammation. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| It definitely is good for you. | ||
| After a hike, it's the best. | ||
| I feel the difference. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And... | |
| The combination of the two, the thing is the big one is if you do THC with CBD. When I was in California and it was legal, you could get these things from Speedweed that were like one to one. | ||
| It was like one THC to one CBD was phenomenal. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| Because it was like, it relaxed you, it was really good for the muscles, but it also just... | ||
| Get all tuned up. | ||
| And it's no side effects. | ||
| Tune the fuck. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And you can't get hooked on it. | ||
| Power, dude. | ||
| Have you ever tried those to help you sleep? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| CBD. Like some CBD, like, THC supplements? | ||
| I have, actually, yeah. | ||
| That does help. | ||
| It helps, but it's not enough. | ||
| I need that punch. | ||
| I need a real knockout. | ||
| Oof. | ||
| Oof. | ||
| I know, it's bad. | ||
| Ambien works, but it is rough. | ||
| Like, you wake up on the floor. | ||
| So the Seroquel is less rough. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I know a bunch of people that love the Ambien. | ||
| Oh, bad news. | ||
| A lot of people in the production side of business where they're fucking working constantly and they're overworked and overstressed and they've got to conk out because you've got to be up in seven hours no matter what. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Just pop it. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Pop it. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| But it fucks you. | ||
| You're wonky. | ||
| And if you wake up, is it possible that you could wake up and be fully Ambien'd up still? | ||
| Like Venom, right? | ||
| That's who those people were. | ||
| They were awake and not... | ||
| Venom? | ||
| Spider-Man, yeah. | ||
| He would take over Peter Parker and then he'd put him back to bed at the end of the night. | ||
| Didn't even know he was up crime fighting. | ||
| You haven't peed yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I'm dying to pee. | ||
| To the death. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's going on in this bubble you got here? | |
| Or this gut you got here. | ||
| I'm getting fat again. | ||
| How have you been with the working out? | ||
| A lot of hoodies. | ||
| I've been good with the working out, but my food intake is off the charts. | ||
| Also, booze-in. | ||
| We've been booze-in a little this month. | ||
| Booze is empty calories. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| This is my posture. | ||
| Even whiskey. | ||
| The problem with doing these Sober October type deals is when you get obsessed and you go through something for like a month, at the end of it you want to celebrate and you don't want to do anything anymore. | ||
| And I've been trying to keep up the workouts, and I'm going to make myself do five days a week. | ||
| Jesus, that's all. | ||
| You got kids, man. | ||
| It's not an art to do it. | ||
| You talk in the morning. | ||
| You aim for the fucking victory line. | ||
| Like, just stay strong until that day, then I'm good. | ||
| And then you take a week off, and now it's a new habit. | ||
| Now it's boozing. | ||
| What about the kids stuff? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not bad. | |
| I'd like to have kids one day and I worry about the comedy. | ||
| Some kids are going to go, hey, look at your dad's talking about pedophilia. | ||
| That's a real question. | ||
| Is that a thing? | ||
| It is a thing. | ||
| How do you handle that, dad? | ||
| You're an adult human being. | ||
| Adult human beings talk like that. | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| It's an art form. | ||
| It's called stand-up comedy. | ||
| It doesn't mean he fucking means those things. | ||
| You can talk a lot of shit in my house. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I let my kids talk all kinds of crazy shit. | ||
| Oh, that's fun. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| And if they crack on you and they get you, it's funny. | ||
| That's healthy. | ||
| But it's also like teaching them how to banter with people so people don't make them feel bad. | ||
| Now, do they get shit from other people who don't like you? | ||
| Not that I hear about. | ||
| Alright, that's good. | ||
| They keep it to themselves. | ||
| A lot of bullies out there. | ||
| I still picture a kid like one years old, so whatever. | ||
| I'm barely able to walk. | ||
| Yeah, how old are we talking? | ||
| Look, it's super bizarre being any person that has kids. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like, you're making little human beings. | ||
| That's the most bizarre. | ||
| All the other bizarre stuff, the extra stuff that comes with being famous, that's not nearly as bizarre as just the making the human being part. | ||
| That's wacky. | ||
| Everybody gets that. | ||
| If you're a parent, everybody gets that, which is the wackiest, which is you just made a human. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And now they exist. | ||
| You've got to teach them stuff and raise them and high-five them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| And it's crazy you can do that on accident. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're just leaving it a little too long. | ||
| I just have a joke about that. | ||
| Two seconds. | ||
| About how it should be like one of them bad action movies where a president and the general have to turn the key to the exact same time. | ||
| That's what it should be. | ||
| It should be that much. | ||
| You should have a sensor on your dick to make sure it's not hard. | ||
| Let this poor fool. | ||
| He's getting close to hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
His choices are getting very, very touchy. | |
| I have to pee, but I don't want to look in the mirror. | ||
| It's going to fuck me up. | ||
| I went and looked in the mirror. | ||
| It wasn't great. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| We got to look at that all day. | ||
| The small dick when you pee on... | ||
| It's just that exchange right there. | ||
| I liked the beer. | ||
| It wasn't great. | ||
| I know what you mean. | ||
| I'm nervous. | ||
| We're both fucking Blues Brothers over here. | ||
| Look at these shades. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Shade Gillis. | ||
| Shade Gillis. | ||
| It's killing me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shane Gillis! | |
| This pod's finally cooking, baby! | ||
| I mean, you're doodling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's writing hostage notes. | |
| Who thought fucking psychedelics was a good idea for this podcast? | ||
| That was not me, dude. | ||
| I said no. | ||
| I saw your heart and I was like, wait, what? | ||
| I said no. | ||
| You did say no. | ||
| Good times, though. | ||
| Mark Norman. | ||
| I had a good time. | ||
| Mark's fucked up. | ||
| He's fucked up. | ||
| He's a weird fucking guy. | ||
| I didn't know how weird he was until I saw that stack of notes. | ||
| I'm re-evaluating our friendship. | ||
| The stack of notes is wild. | ||
| It's a fucking fucked up thing to see while you're high, too. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's your friend's insane notes. | ||
| Well, that's why he's so funny. | ||
| It's also like that style of jokes he has on stage. | ||
| He's off stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's mine still just going to this. | |
| I'm going to the gym. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| One thing you have to admit, you gotta admit that stack of notes, that's dedication. | ||
| That's a real dedication. | ||
| It's crazy the way he organizes it, but what he's writing down, that amount of focus... | ||
| Nonstop. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| And he's great. | ||
| That's why he's so funny, man. | ||
| Yeah, that's why he's one of the best. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, when he was struggling over like, for that half hour, he's like, give him a Netflix, I don't know. | ||
| And then at some point, everyone's like, you'll just write a new hour in like six months. | ||
| He goes, oh yeah, you're right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so fast. | ||
| Yeah, he's an animal. | ||
| Non-stop. | ||
| But seeing that thing, I'm like, dude, you're gonna be walking real fucked up when you get old. | ||
| You can't sit on your ass like that with, like, one lump over here and one lump over there. | ||
| Oh, but the wallet balances it out. | ||
| Like, that doesn't count that shit. | ||
| You're not supposed to be sitting on these unbalanced things, man. | ||
| Just fucking get a fanny pack, pussy. | ||
| Look, just like this. | ||
| They sell them everywhere. | ||
| No, I disagree with that. | ||
| Definitely don't get that. | ||
| There's another answer. | ||
| Why are you wearing fanny packs? | ||
| Because I don't give a fuck. | ||
| That's where I keep my keys. | ||
| You should care somewhat. | ||
| What about your pocket? | ||
| What about your front pocket for your keys? | ||
| That's where the weed and the fear factor money goes. | ||
| Still laying them down. | ||
| You had to throw a beer pack to money. | ||
| Because I made a good point. | ||
| You're like, well, guess what, bitch? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had a lot of money. | |
| No, man, I like fanny packs because I don't like shit in my pockets. | ||
| I hate stuff in my pockets. | ||
| It stabs you when you have to move fast. | ||
| If you want to go up a flight of stairs and then you've got this fucking chapstick in your fucking pants. | ||
| I watched this fucking psycho walk down an escalator. | ||
| He went on the wrong path. | ||
| He's always trying to get his little workouts in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It took him a minute. | |
| He tried to walk on it. | ||
| We were hanging out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Once you commit to something, you can just turn around. | |
| He's halfway up. | ||
| I watched him the whole way. | ||
| I was like, no way he's going to do this. | ||
| You guys are such a douchebag move, too, man. | ||
| For all the people that are coming up, they're like, what the fuck, buddy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you're You're like, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me! | |
| You're barely getting through the river. | ||
| Yeah, I had luggage, too. | ||
| You didn't even see it. | ||
| No, you had luggage! | ||
| Yeah, it was bad. | ||
| It was at the lounge, too, the nice lounge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, luggage! | |
| You're going up the... | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I was trying to go down. | ||
| We were going down. | ||
| He went down the escalator going up, and he like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've never seen anything like it. | |
| Nobody does that. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| You know, we make mistakes. | ||
| Take that fucking knot out of your pocket, please. | ||
| Just do me a favor. | ||
| Get a backpack. | ||
| Get something manly. | ||
| Get something that you can live with. | ||
| Manly? | ||
| What's more manly than live with pain, baby? | ||
| You're gonna fuck your back up, I'm telling you. | ||
| And once you do, it's not good. | ||
| Backs are real bad. | ||
| Doctors want to fuse them. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| I'll take the Percocet. | ||
| They want to replace discs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| You want to avoid that if you can. | ||
| If you can. | ||
| You scared me now. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta listen to me. | ||
| Let's go back to the funny stories. | ||
| Yeah, but just listen to me, man. | ||
| You can't be fucking sitting on a giant five... | ||
| It's very... | ||
| We were saying it's an amazing testament to your dedication as a stand. | ||
| Yeah, we were being nice. | ||
| Yeah, we were. | ||
| It's pretty dope. | ||
| It's pretty dope. | ||
| It's kind of inspiring. | ||
| Let's go back to the disc later. | ||
| Stack of fucking papers like that. | ||
| That's a lot of writing. | ||
| That's actually like, yeah. | ||
| It's old. | ||
| A lot of very old stuff. | ||
| Don't be humble. | ||
| That's all good stuff. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| That's a pile of stage shit. | ||
| You're a psycho. | ||
| Brian Humble. | ||
| You're a full-on joke-writing psycho. | ||
| You are, dude. | ||
| That's wild, man. | ||
| I just don't, I love you and I don't want you to hurt your back. | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| You just miss all of them. | ||
| 90% of your shit's undiscovered. | ||
| Because it's fucking gibberish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You hang out with him. | |
| He's just right gumball. | ||
| It has nothing to do with it. | ||
| Sometimes you're on the walk home. | ||
| You left Norman and you're just like, oh. | ||
| I see what he said. | ||
| Yeah. - Dude, it took me like a week and a half to figure out what your six million meant. | ||
| You're like, believe in yourself. | ||
| I'm like, dude, you can make it. | ||
| You can get there. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| I'm giving him a pep talk. | ||
| I'm like, I'm telling you, eight million's real. | ||
| Always back to the Holocaust. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Always. | |
| You guys won't shut up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It probably wasn't William. | |
| When you think about it, it probably wasn't William. | ||
| So many complaints. | ||
| I was watching... | ||
| I watched that fucking... | ||
| I might have talked about this before. | ||
| The devil next door, that guy. | ||
| That was a good movie. | ||
| Oh, Ivan the Terrible. | ||
| That was a good movie. | ||
| I was high enough that it was very, very funny. | ||
| Is that a documentary? | ||
| Like, he was just an Ohio factory worker and somebody was like, aren't you that SS guard? | ||
| And he was like, what? | ||
| And they were like, aren't you fucking Ivan the Terrible? | ||
| Who's this equally old person? | ||
| No! | ||
| Really? | ||
| They shipped him back to Jerusalem? | ||
| He didn't go to Argentina. | ||
| He went somewhere else. | ||
| How did he know the look of a Nazi guy? | ||
| No, no, he was there. | ||
| Survivor was like, wait, wait, I know this guy. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| That was a tough question. | ||
| Here's the thing, I was watching him for the first time. | ||
| Obviously, it's extremely dark, but it was funny. | ||
| If you imagine that he is just a factory worker that's just like, what? | ||
| And they're like, no, you're that guy. | ||
| What if he's one of those guys? | ||
| Yeah, what if he was not that? | ||
| I think he might be. | ||
| What if he's one of those guys that looks like Drake? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Right? | ||
| There's a lot of people out there that look like celebs. | ||
| There's a guy that looks like Tom Selleck. | ||
| He's real close to Tom Selleck. | ||
| And now you're 80. And you're like, that is him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And as you're getting older, your face looks... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's insane. | |
| You're on a fucking plane to Jerusalem where they're going to hang you. | ||
| I'm not here! | ||
| I'm telling you! | ||
| What a snitch. | ||
| But that's not how he responded. | ||
| And every single thing in the jury, they're like, are you him? | ||
| He's like... | ||
| He wasn't even... | ||
| What? | ||
| He was just like, no. | ||
| I don't know what you guys are talking about. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| No, I was fucked up. | ||
| Do you think it was him? | ||
| Last night, yes. | ||
| Just because nobody... | ||
| If it was you on trial for... | ||
| Were you the fucking... | ||
| SS officer at Treblinka, you'd be like, fuck no! | ||
| You'd think by the end he'd be like, yeah, it was me, fuck you guys. | ||
| I saw it, dude, he hung in there. | ||
| Jesus, dude. | ||
| What happened to the end? | ||
| Did he get hung? | ||
| No, he got hung. | ||
| He hung in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The scariest thing. | |
| Did they hang him? | ||
| They did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For real? | |
| No. | ||
| He died in prison. | ||
| Oh, he died in prison. | ||
| Wait, didn't he die before? | ||
| He got a five-year sentence and he died trying to get a pill. | ||
| Oh wait, that's what happened. | ||
| He was appealing or something like that. | ||
| He died while he was appealing, so according to their law, he's not guilty. | ||
| Isn't that the thing? | ||
| He was not found. | ||
| There's not enough evidence to find him guilty of being Ivan the Terrible, but they did. | ||
| We're at least a guard. | ||
| I think legally, though, if you die while on trial, you're not guilty. | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| Isn't that a thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not disagreeing. | |
| But who cares? | ||
| You're dead anyway. | ||
| Yeah, you're dead. | ||
| But they try people after their deaths. | ||
| Yeah, so they no longer seek a determination on his guilt or innocence. | ||
| German legal system. | ||
| German legal system. | ||
| When they have trials, when people are dumb. | ||
| You're talking about your own rules, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They've had like these mock trials for people after they're dead. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| Ray Charles. | ||
| They've had those mock trials for people after they're dead, right? | ||
| Just so they can say, like, you're guilty. | ||
| Yeah, what does that mean? | ||
| Is that like a fake trial? | ||
| Fake trial. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that just for publicity? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are there actors? | ||
| Yeah, does someone have to go play Hitler? | ||
| We got a lot of questions here, fellas. | ||
| Jamie's like, slow down! | ||
| No, and I mean, they try people after they're dead. | ||
| They've had, I feel like, is that a thing? | ||
| They did something on TV recently, I'm trying to find. | ||
| Just so the legal system can say, like, we also are on the side that he did. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| We got a show tonight? | ||
| No chance. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| I'm getting on a flight back to fucking New York right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm like you when we did Molly, dude. | ||
| I'm going home. | ||
| We have hours. | ||
| You're going to have the best set of your life. | ||
| I'm definitely not going on stage tonight. | ||
| In about four hours. | ||
| Let's go to dinner. | ||
| Let's live it up like kings. | ||
| I'm so hungry. | ||
| I got to eat. | ||
| Let's do that, too. | ||
| I had about nine bars out of a vending machine. | ||
| I couldn't eat a thing right now. | ||
| You're going to have an appetite for real? | ||
| I got to eat pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| The way you said it was threatening. | ||
| How are you doing? | ||
| Show me your ways. | ||
| I'm not good at it. | ||
| I've gotten the tap a few times. | ||
| I got pissed too. | ||
| Finally I have to piss. | ||
| I'll be right back. | ||
| Damn it, I needed ten more minutes I could outlast you. | ||
| Six minutes. | ||
| Oh, get out of here. | ||
| Let's bomb beers. | ||
| I don't want to be competitive. | ||
| That's the three hour mark. | ||
| We're at three hours? | ||
| Oh, alright. | ||
| This is the cruising zone. | ||
| Holy shit, dude. | ||
| What a fucking podcast. | ||
| I don't know if it's good or bad. | ||
| Up, down, left, right. | ||
| Gay, straight. | ||
| But I'm having a blast. | ||
| I'll be honest, man. | ||
| It's a very intense thing to be very high on mushrooms. | ||
| On the biggest platform in America? | ||
| You just listen to the dumb fucking conversation. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| Yeah, I was fighting through that crypto thing. | ||
| That crypto thing. | ||
| I almost took a nap. | ||
| You know what I mean, Jamie? | ||
| You go, what the heck? | ||
| What the heck? | ||
| Jamie, don't you sit around sometimes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's what I do. | |
| Jamie, what do you want to talk about, dude? | ||
| Nobody ever asked Jamie. | ||
| No, we're good. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You don't want to know about that. | ||
| He's a quiet little guy. | ||
| He's not little, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jamie's a psycho. | |
| I take it all back. | ||
| Jamie's a monster. | ||
| He got more guns than Rogan. | ||
| Jamie, let's do this. | ||
| You get to bring it up, dude. | ||
| What's Jamie bringing up? | ||
| Have you done an ep? | ||
| In the hot seat? | ||
| No, not over there. | ||
| They need you on the ones and twos. | ||
| Yeah, I've been on a show, though. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I'm on all of them, but... | ||
| Yeah, there's been a couple where I've been involved more. | ||
| Oh, that's fun. | ||
| Without a guest. | ||
| But you're so mysterious. | ||
| The man behind the curtain. | ||
| Well, let's keep it that way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| That's pretty good. | ||
| I don't have a camera on me right now, so I can't put it on me. | ||
| I'm just pushing between you two. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, we look like fucking dumbasses. | |
| Uh-oh, what happened in the bathroom with Ari? | ||
| Yes, it's not great in there. | ||
| And Ari is in the bathroom peeing and his dog is this far from the door and doesn't move. | ||
| The dog just sits there with her nose through the door and doesn't move. | ||
| That's the kind of love that you get from a rescue dog. | ||
| That's not a dog that was raised with love as a puppy. | ||
| That's a dog that's experienced neglect. | ||
| It's sad again. | ||
| It's dark again. | ||
| It's not dark. | ||
| Yeah, it's a nice thing. | ||
| The dog loves them. | ||
| The dog loves the shit out of them. | ||
| But that kind of love, you get that love. | ||
| It's a different kind of love that you get from dogs that have experienced bad times. | ||
| My wife was a rescue. | ||
| She waits by the door. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, she's a nice lady. | ||
| Hell of a bitch. | ||
| I like that picture of the two of you guys in that 2002, that old-school BMW that you have. | ||
| Oh, that's a killer car. | ||
| That thing runs like a top! | ||
| They're great cars, man. | ||
| They're so well-engineered. | ||
| You know that car saved BMW? They were going under, and that car brought them out of it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it a manual? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Four-speed! | ||
| It's a little go-kart. | ||
| It weighs like eight pounds. | ||
| Yeah, it's probably pretty good to handle, too, right? | ||
| It handles great. | ||
| It's really fun to drive. | ||
| And those cars will fucking run forever, too. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I took it to the shop just to make sure, and they're like, it's perfect. | ||
| Are you going to spend some of that sweet, sweet YouTube money on a nice car? | ||
| I think you need one, son. | ||
| Yeah, well, that money could buy maybe a nice 60. I think you need one. | ||
| I've been trying to talk you into a BMW for years. | ||
| You probably got like an 89 Jetta with that money. | ||
| You need a nice, like, maybe a Civic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A BMW M3. It's a four-door. | |
| Ari Shafir. | ||
| E30's nice, too. | ||
| It's a very sophisticated car. | ||
| It's very calm. | ||
| I used to doodle BMW Insignias when I was in high school. | ||
| You should get one. | ||
| Was it the ovens? | ||
| Really? | ||
| You should get one. | ||
| That's what you're drunk? | ||
| Get an M4. Get the coupe since you're high society. | ||
| That's the M3. Damn, that's so sporty. | ||
| I just don't want to go through the trouble of buying it. | ||
| I don't want to spend like three days buying a car. | ||
| It's a lot of research. | ||
| Look how good that thing looks. | ||
| Turn around and look at that. | ||
| Shane Gills. | ||
| That's an ugly color with that weird look. | ||
| That's just a weird wrap. | ||
| You want me driving that fucking thing? | ||
| That car is amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You seem like an SUV guy. | |
| You see that one, that little silver one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that Chevy Cruze, Jamie. | |
| That's an E46. That's nice. | ||
| I have an E46. Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those are great cars. | ||
| Great car. | ||
| That is a fast fucking car. | ||
| Now bring up one that looks like it's been in an accident. | ||
| It's so well balanced. | ||
| The one that looks like it's been in an accident? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, a New York version of the same car. | |
| Oh yeah, I guess. | ||
| They're getting ugly with these big openings. | ||
| They have bumper protectors on everything. | ||
| That's so ridiculous, those things. | ||
| The grill is too big. | ||
| But that's what you need, Ari. | ||
| That's what I need. | ||
| I'll get it. | ||
| You don't need an E46. You don't need that shit. | ||
| You need to get a horse. | ||
| I'll drive a horse around New York. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That'd be great. | |
| You don't even need the M3. Is it a milk bucket? | ||
| He's more of a Rickshaw guy. | ||
| Give yourself a nice 3 Series. | ||
| Chevy Cruze. | ||
| Now we're talking. | ||
| Now we're talking. | ||
| Got some groceries in the back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| That thing's got some whip in it. | ||
| Backdoor latches. | ||
| They blurred it because it's going so fast. | ||
| That's how they took the picture. | ||
| That's an ugly ass orange. | ||
| That's a fucking good car, Chevy. | ||
| Overhead lights are going off automatically? | ||
| What's the car that brings the least amount of excitement when you see it? | ||
| Probably a black 2018 Chevy Cruze. | ||
| That blue color, oh my god. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| I'll be honest, I love that black car. | ||
| That's a good rental. | ||
| You get a rental car, you want that. | ||
| I gave it to my sister, now she drives it and I'm jealous. | ||
| Look at him trying to doll it up. | ||
| I want it back. | ||
| I want it back. | ||
| I want it back! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What, you got a canvas interior stock, AM, FM? Okay, but go to a Prius. | |
| Go to a Prius. | ||
| Let's see what a Prius looks like. | ||
| Prius is ugly. | ||
| Is that the least joyful car? | ||
| They're trying to sex it up, but it's not going to happen. | ||
| That gold one's pretty sexy. | ||
| Well, Tesla came in and jizzed right in their face. | ||
| Is that what a Prius looks like now? | ||
| They're trying. | ||
| Okay, that looks pretty good. | ||
| Big rims. | ||
| That's a lot better looking than the old ones. | ||
| Look at that S. Look at that one, getting from the top, that gold one, right there, the next one. | ||
| Yeah, that one. | ||
| So you can see it from the top. | ||
| And this was starving Elon Musk? | ||
| Bro, that's a Prius now? | ||
| That's a good-looking car. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| No, it's disgusting. | ||
| Don't you feel silly driving that, though? | ||
| You feel silly. | ||
| You feel silly with that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why? | ||
| The fucking Kill Bill gets out of that car. | ||
| You're driving that, you dress like a moron, going to get groceries? | ||
| That's a cool-looking little car. | ||
| You guys are out of your mind. | ||
| It's too much for normal use. | ||
| It's a fucking Toyota. | ||
| It's too much what for normal use? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Sex. | ||
| Too much sex for normal use. | ||
| You guys talk about sex. | ||
| You think it's sexy? | ||
| I think that's a good looking little car. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The old ones used to look like shit. | ||
| Volkswagen Rabbit. | ||
| Whenever Greg Fitzsimmons would show up in his Prius, I'd be like, Gregory... | ||
| Yeah, that's that old. | ||
| I need a mustache. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's the old one. | ||
| Larry David car. | ||
| That one's ridiculous. | ||
| That does suck. | ||
| That's just like, you don't give a fuck what it looks like. | ||
| You're sensible. | ||
| We're just getting there. | ||
| Just get there. | ||
| Your life's not filled with joy. | ||
| Your life is boring. | ||
| The sound's going off. | ||
| We're at a stoplight. | ||
| It went off completely. | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| It was a big deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Now everybody's engine shuts off at every stoplight. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Isn't that weird that it starts back up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or you just press that button. | ||
| Override? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Burn the fuel. | ||
| I like a real yank. | ||
| A yanker. | ||
| Vroom, vroom. | ||
| You're driving like an ancient car. | ||
| Ancient. | ||
| It's 50 years old. | ||
| Bavaria? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| 2002. 2002, yeah. | ||
| And it's tiny. | ||
| The person is next to you. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Yeah, but it's probably a lot of fun. | ||
| It's a hell of a time. | ||
| That's your daily driver? | ||
| You driving that around? | ||
| I drive to gigs in Jersey and D.C. or, you know, upstate. | ||
| Once a month. | ||
| Once a month. | ||
| Like a menstrual. | ||
| Never fucks up on you? | ||
| Not once. | ||
| You got a good guy that fixes it? | ||
| I got a hell of a guy. | ||
| That's important. | ||
| Yeah, he's in Jersey. | ||
| There she blows. | ||
| Look at the interior. | ||
| Look at that radio. | ||
| That's a stock radio. | ||
| Look at the thing jiggling. | ||
| Dude, that is so sweet. | ||
| Who helped design the car? | ||
| What do you mean design it? | ||
| Or help work on the car? | ||
| Oh, I wish I could think of it as Hitler. | ||
| Is there a video of you driving this thing? | ||
| If you go further down, are you driving it? | ||
| Look at that good-looking car, man. | ||
| Look at how disgusting this city is. | ||
| I mean, where exactly do you park it? | ||
| A beautiful car. | ||
| It's so gross everywhere. | ||
| I park in a garage and they're raping me. | ||
| Oh, look at that old watch! | ||
| You're actually listening to the radio? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, you are fucked up. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| You listen to the radio. | ||
| That's so fun to drive. | ||
| He's listening to AM radio because that's the only option on that fucking thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at the round tail lights. | |
| Can't even afford a license plate. | ||
| Oh, you can see it's leaning a little bit. | ||
| Boys, if we were born 20 years earlier, we'd be on AM radio. | ||
| But isn't it crazy? | ||
| Old ladies drove those to work. | ||
| Like, you had to just shift it up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, if you go to other countries, they still do it. | ||
| In Italy, everybody still drives their manual. | ||
| But also, there's no crumpled zone on that cum guzzling. | ||
| You're done. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| You're doing an accident. | ||
| You get hit. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| There's not a lot there. | ||
| No, you're done. | ||
| No airbag. | ||
| Yeah, not a lot there. | ||
| Those old cars are interesting. | ||
| You ever had an airbag hit you? | ||
| No. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| It's not fun. | ||
| You get covered in powder. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I was in a car that flipped in high school and we landed in a ditch and the airbag popped. | ||
| You hit your head pretty bad? | ||
| Yeah, we were upside down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I undid the buckle. | ||
| I fell. | ||
| I dropped. | ||
| I hit the ceiling. | ||
| What were you like before that? | ||
| Was that when you thought you were funny? | ||
| I was a preacher. | ||
| Something happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ow! | |
| Ow! | ||
| Something happened, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| We were tubing. | ||
| This is Louisiana shit. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I didn't know how to write a joke before. | ||
| Bro, how many comics became comics after head injuries? | ||
| Two that I know. | ||
| Roseanne and Kinison. | ||
| Yeah, those are big ones. | ||
| Maybe you too, hun. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe you too. | ||
| Good band. | ||
| Maybe Shane? | ||
| How many times have you played football? | ||
| I came out dumb as hell. | ||
| That's a tour of the CTE tour. | ||
| Oh yeah, you went to a good college. | ||
| I used to be smart. | ||
| Well, you know your history. | ||
| I know some stuff. | ||
| You know the Crusades, like the back of your anal. | ||
| Don't get me going on the Crusades. | ||
| I love the Crusades. | ||
| I watched a YouTube video on it. | ||
| It's fucking fascinating shit. | ||
| Crusades is funny. | ||
| Your bit about the dudes who like history is fucking hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, you're just going to be... | ||
| I love that bit. | ||
| You're going to be Republican. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's right. | ||
| If you go over a guy's house, he's got a book on Thomas Jefferson on his front shelf. | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| Like, oh, this guy's voting red. | ||
| I love your werewolf bit, too. | ||
| I don't even do it anymore. | ||
| I've been quoting that all over town. | ||
| Yeah, I've got to do it. | ||
| That's a great bit about how becoming a Republican is turning into a werewolf. | ||
| You're like, there's so many black people in these commercials! | ||
| I still do that one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's a great bit. | |
| It's funny. | ||
| I went home for Thanksgiving. | ||
| I got to watch my dad watch TV. It's been so long since I saw an old man watching TV. It's great. | ||
| What was that like? | ||
| Old guys have to watch commercials all day. | ||
| That's who the commercials are for. | ||
| They're just drilling old guys that are stuck on a couch. | ||
| They're like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| They're buying coins. | ||
| Two guys making out and they're like, buy fucking insurance. | ||
| How wild is that? | ||
| A lot of coins, a lot of plates, commemorative plates are still going. | ||
| It's crazy watching commercials now. | ||
| Yeah, I get to see the Fox News commercials are the best. | ||
| Fuck, Mike Lindell. | ||
| I'm Mike Lindell. | ||
| Are you the victim of a conspiracy? | ||
| Behind him is a picture of Jesus and a lion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's selling pillows! | |
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| He lost his marriage over that pillow. | ||
| He made it in the basement, and the wife was like, come up! | ||
| He's like, fuck you, cut. | ||
| Wow, is that a quote? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, it's on the pillow. | ||
| Wow, what a dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lion! | |
| I thought you were joking! | ||
| Jesus and the lion. | ||
| This is the fucking dick. | ||
| And then an eagle and a folded flag all together in that picture. | ||
| He's got the last supper in the back. | ||
| He's got the cross pin. | ||
| Bro, and I think that might be green screen, too. | ||
| No. | ||
| It might be, dude. | ||
| That's his office. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can we get a terrifying fucking room that is? | |
| Imagine a black guy walking in that room, you'd be like, I gotta get out of here. | ||
| It's not green screen, it's weird lighting. | ||
| It's a weird camera. | ||
| Imagine walking in there, you'd be like, what the fuck's wrong with you, dude? | ||
| It's Jesus with a lion. | ||
| You would know exactly what you can and can't say to that guy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Tell him you're transitioning. | ||
| He'll shoot you with a shotgun. | ||
| He really would. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Margaret, unlock the vault. | ||
| Yeah, I cut my dick off. | ||
| I'm ready to suck that. | ||
| He would start turning the thing on the wall. | ||
| He'd have a combination on the wall. | ||
| He'd move a picture out of the way. | ||
| You'd have to put a fucking vault on the wall. | ||
| There's your next ghillie. | ||
| That's so funny, dude. | ||
| That's what it looks like. | ||
| You could just walk in there and be like, yeah, I'm ready to suck some dicks. | ||
| He'd be so upset. | ||
| He'd push a button, the door would slam with a metal gate, and then you'd be done. | ||
| Homophobia. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| It's weird how prevalent it is with certain right-wing people. | ||
| It's weird how prevalent it is. | ||
| I've had many conversations with people that just don't think that gay people should be allowed to get married. | ||
| I'm like, are you anti-freedom? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| They just think they have a stronger hold on their world. | ||
| They want to define that it's only between a man and a woman. | ||
| That's what it means. | ||
| It's a made-up thing. | ||
| Jamie brought it up after Matt Walsh had left. | ||
| He and I had a conversation where, Jamie, you brought up, wasn't Nero married to a man? | ||
| Yeah, there was a bunch of... | ||
| All the Greeks. | ||
| Or Romans. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It goes back to increasing Rome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Same thing. | |
| Yeah, I think it said he had two husbands or boyfriends or something like that, Nero. | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| More pleasure. | ||
| Well, there's a big difference in husbands or boyfriends. | ||
| Boyfriends go fuck themselves. | ||
| The husbands get a piece of the booty. | ||
| I mean, by that, I mean loot. | ||
| Pirates booty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not like booty booty. | |
| That was an accident. | ||
| I wonder if that's where booty comes from. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Like the booty hole. | ||
| No. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Hey, we got seizure. | ||
| Shave! | ||
| Shave, get this, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| This is too much. | ||
| The perfect amount. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Roman homosexuality was not expressed with romantic love, but with riotous orgies. | ||
| It's often linked to notorious Emperor Nero, a hedonistic ruler who married both women and men. | ||
| A man who is believed to have enjoyed penetrating as much as he enjoyed being penetrated by his well-endowed husband. | ||
| Romo! | ||
| He just went after it. | ||
| Nero just went after it. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| Live it up. | ||
| Enjoy your life. | ||
| Also, that was... | ||
| At that time in the world, that was way more common. | ||
| So why do you think that is? | ||
| I could be wrong, but with Nero, I think that a lot of it could be... | ||
| Like, historians have looked back at him and been like, maybe that was political, like, smearing. | ||
| Like, all the rumors we have about him, that he was nuts and he did all this, it's just... | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Later populations. | ||
| Yeah, he was a fucking gay guy, he fucked a bunch. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| It's just the enemy's propaganda survived. | ||
| But there are paintings of some real gay shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is... | |
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| From back in the day. | ||
| I mean, for lack of a better technical term. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| Paintings of some gay shit. | ||
| I sound like a black car. | ||
| Yeah, no, it's always existed. | ||
| It's existed, like, someone sent me something that exists in, like, more than a hundred different animals, isn't it? | ||
| But we're the only... | ||
| I just saw a video of some kid talking about it. | ||
| He said 1,500 in that video. | ||
| 1,500 different animals are homosexual. | ||
| And none are homophobic, except us. | ||
| I knew your dog was gay, dude. | ||
| That dog's a girl, bro. | ||
| They can be gay. | ||
| He's a butt bandit. | ||
| He's a butt bandit. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I'll embrace him. | ||
| Aw, you're a sweetie. | ||
| Yeah, there you go. | ||
| You can't come to the house anymore to even embrace my gay dog. | ||
| Dogs lick their own butthole. | ||
| They lick their own balls. | ||
| Your dog waits outside the door to the bathroom like only a rescue dog ever would. | ||
| She was born into captivity. | ||
| Her mom was rescued when she was pregnant. | ||
| Ah, skips a generation. | ||
| Her mom was rescued when she was pregnant. | ||
| Yeah, so she never had any trauma. | ||
| So it's not a rescue? | ||
| No, so it's not? | ||
| That's not a rescue? | ||
| It's from a rescue, but it was born into a rescue. | ||
| Well, when did you get her? | ||
| How old was she when you got her? | ||
| A month. | ||
| A month. | ||
| Yeah, maybe two. | ||
| So she was in this rescue shelter for a month? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That alone. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, for sure. | ||
| No, they were great. | ||
| They loved her. | ||
| I'm sure they're great. | ||
| I'm sure they're great. | ||
| Yeah, we met the whole litter. | ||
| They were all having such a blast, man, in some lady's apartment. | ||
| It was a big apartment. | ||
| They're probably too young to know that. | ||
| Oh, it's an apartment. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was a good time there at that shelter. | ||
| They were having a blast. | ||
| I have not given her the same life. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Well, the dog just loves you then. | ||
| That dog just sits outside. | ||
| I had it in my head. | ||
| I had a narrative all made up. | ||
| Wrong. | ||
| Because it was a rescue dog. | ||
| You probably got it when it was three months old. | ||
| It's the best, dude. | ||
| You come out. | ||
| I've been in here for two hours. | ||
| And she's like, what's up? | ||
| And you're like, yes! | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| How old is she? | ||
| Three. | ||
| Just over three. | ||
| And you've had her since she was... | ||
| Three years old. | ||
| So late August to late November. | ||
| So was she like six weeks old or something, like right after? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right when you could take the puppy? | ||
| That's the best. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| You're happy. | ||
| You got a special. | ||
| You're ugly. | ||
| I mean, you're doing great. | ||
| I'm just saying, you know, I had to throw something in there. | ||
| But I'm glad to see you happy. | ||
| I'm all shroomed up. | ||
| That dog is the best. | ||
| I'm feeling the love! | ||
| That dog loves you, man. | ||
| It is a lot of love. | ||
| I'll be honest, guys. | ||
| I fucking love you guys. | ||
| Jamie, I could do without you. | ||
| Deleted. | ||
| I accidentally deleted everything. | ||
| Jamie, do you remember when Michigan played Ohio State? | ||
| Alright, that's a little blow. | ||
| Bring that up. | ||
| Don't bring up Notre Dame, Ohio State, you fucking jerk. | ||
| I find it hilarious when dudes get very hurt about a team where they don't even live in that place anymore. | ||
| Mmm. | ||
| I fucking love it, dude. | ||
| It gives you hope. | ||
| I think it's fun. | ||
| Something to root for. | ||
| Is that the one you brought up? | ||
| Does that hurt? | ||
| How was that, that? | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| What'd you say? | ||
| Did you waste your time? | ||
| The cuckas. | ||
| I had a great time. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Ohio State means class, dude. | ||
| Bunch of class acts in fucking Columbus, Ohio. | ||
| That's a good city. | ||
| All roads leave to Columbus. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, family ties. | ||
| Columbus, Ohio. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| You're showing your age there. | ||
| What do they have there? | ||
| It's not a punchline. | ||
| The best funny bone is in Columbus. | ||
| That's a great funny bone. | ||
| It's the flagship. | ||
| That's a great funny bone. | ||
| God hates flags. | ||
| Have you ever seen the All Roads Lead to Rome? | ||
| Keep it in. | ||
| Keep it in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Like All Roads Lead to Rome. | ||
| I don't know how exaggerated this is. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What? | ||
| Is this real? | ||
| I've seen this going around. | ||
| It could be exaggerated. | ||
| Every road? | ||
| Darkened some lines and whatnot, you know? | ||
| Looks like my ex-wife's legs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If that's really how the Romans traveled... | |
| Is that really how they travel? | ||
| I think that's sort of like how they travel and then those now have turned into modern-day roads and highways and whatever. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| It looks like arteries. | ||
| Do you think that pattern just exists with everything? | ||
| It exists with blood. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Kooky. | ||
| Yeah, I feel like this picture is exaggerated. | ||
| That's just how you draw. | ||
| You can do all roads with the fucking Viet, Czech Republic if you wanted. | ||
| I think they exaggerated this a lot because they darkened the middle lines and they looked like veins of a leaf. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| The same with Boston. | ||
| It all comes back to Boston. | ||
| It's all these outside stuff, Worcester and Reaching. | ||
| What? | ||
| Jack Reacher. | ||
| No, he pulled it on you. | ||
| Reacher Lawson. | ||
| I asked the guy, why are the Boston comics, so it's like Patrice and Louie and Stano, but all these guys, Dane Cook, Gary Goldman, just keep going. | ||
| Rogan, it's just so many Boston guys. | ||
| And he said, well, it's because of the outside towns. | ||
| Like, we act like it's Boston, but it's all the outside. | ||
| But I'm like, still, that's insane. | ||
| It's all Massachusetts? | ||
| It's a lot. | ||
| Well, that's enough people to provide humans. | ||
| That's still pretty good for one. | ||
| The reason why it got so good is because there was a core guys of really funny guys in the early 80s, and everybody just kind of imitated them. | ||
| And that was like Barry Crimmins and Lenny Clark and Don Gavin and those fucking animals. | ||
| Sweeney. | ||
| Sweeney, yeah. | ||
| Mike Donovan. | ||
| Those guys back in that Chinese restaurant, the Ding Ho, they established There was comedy there. | ||
| It was a place on the dingo. | ||
| Apparently it was the shit, and the guy lost it in a gambling match. | ||
| He gambled away all the money, and they had to close the place down. | ||
| But the place was the shit. | ||
| I missed that era. | ||
| But that era produced these comics that were so fucking funny. | ||
| And you go to see guys like Don Gavin live, you'd be like, holy shit, I just quit comedy. | ||
| That guy was so fucking funny. | ||
| Dude, you would see him murder in like the 80s and the 90s. | ||
| You'd be like, I should just quit. | ||
| Like, why am I doing this? | ||
| Why isn't he famous? | ||
| I guess he never left. | ||
| Is he the one in Louie's movie? | ||
| He never left. | ||
| In Joe's movie? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I met him. | ||
| He's nice. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Louie's bag. | ||
| He just never left. | ||
| There's a lot of those guys that just never left. | ||
| Never left. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never left. | |
| And it was pre-YouTube. | ||
| It was pre-YouTube. | ||
| They couldn't get specials. | ||
| And, you know, in town, they were the funniest people you'd ever seen in your life. | ||
| They were so good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How would you leave? | |
| And they made a great living in Boston. | ||
| And they shattered the whole nebbishy thing, these like Woody Allen kind of a Jewy, like, oh, we're all awkward and uncomfortable. | ||
| And they're like, no, no, we're doing blow and fucking hookers. | ||
| These guys were all six foot two, punching each other, doing coke. | ||
| Fighting with the cops. | ||
| They were wild people, man. | ||
| They were wild people. | ||
| That's why I got into comedy. | ||
| It was a different sort of thing in Boston. | ||
| And it was because of those guys. | ||
| These people that started out in the beginning. | ||
| And then, oddly enough, Stephen Wright. | ||
| Oh yeah, he's great. | ||
| He was the outsider there. | ||
| Steven Wright popped on The Tonight Show, and everybody was like, what is going on in Boston? | ||
| And then all these other guys were like, when is my turn coming up? | ||
| There's a great documentary about it, when stand-up stood out. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah, because he was so the opposite of those guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You never saw that? | ||
| When stand-up stood out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| You should watch it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a fun one. | |
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's, uh, Franz Alameda did it. | ||
| He was a comic from Boston, and he made this documentary. | ||
| Must watch. | ||
| And it's just all about that era where everybody was, like, scrambling to get on television, and Gold Rush. | ||
| Yeah, there was a lot of great comedy. | ||
| That's when they do the whole, how do you want to get paid, white or green? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They said it to me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They said it to me, yeah. | ||
| You want to get paid in Coke or cash? | ||
| I'm like, just give me the money. | ||
| Coke every time. | ||
| I just want money, man. | ||
| Yeah, it's just, I can buy Coke. | ||
| But they sold it. | ||
| Coke every time. | ||
| They sold it. | ||
| I mean, dude, two weeks. | ||
| He's done it three times. | ||
| I need some green, actually. | ||
| Turns out I need green. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I got to buy groceries. | ||
| Who here has done Coke and then got on stage? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Jamie? | ||
| No, not before on stage. | ||
| Joey said it was the worst. | ||
| It was the worst. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Adderall's the worst. | ||
| I think it's similar. | ||
| But Coke will wear off in 15 minutes. | ||
| Then you're on stage on a comedown. | ||
| I don't think that's what Joey was saying. | ||
| Joey was saying that there's no love, Joe Rogan. | ||
| There's no connection with those people. | ||
| You're just a coked-up maniac. | ||
| You're not making any connections with those people. | ||
| Yeah, but what about Robin Williams? | ||
| It was all coked up. | ||
| And Pryor, apparently. | ||
| Good point, good point. | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
| They were a good point. | ||
| We gotta ask him for that. | ||
| I don't think Pryor was getting coked up before he was performing, like when he did Live at the time of this trip. | ||
| He was ready. | ||
| He was on coke. | ||
| He had a party waiting for him when he got off. | ||
| He ready. | ||
| Robin Williams, though, was on stage on it, for sure. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You think Tennyson was? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I think so. | |
| Later, maybe. | ||
| Maybe later, that's why he got back. | ||
| Is that what we just saw? | ||
| Yeah, he was yacked up. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| To have that confidence? | ||
| He seemed calm. | ||
| I think that was just him murdering at the Comedy Store every fucking night for years. | ||
| He seemed calm. | ||
| The guy told him before, and he's like, dude, we're gonna let you go. | ||
| That's huge. | ||
| Just be yourself here. | ||
| That's huge. | ||
| Yeah, before Seth's Wild. | ||
| He took all those great bits and took the cuss words out and they were still great. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| They were great bits, man. | ||
| I didn't even realize how many bits he had done on that show. | ||
| There was a lot of fucks in that bit. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That he took out. | ||
| He took out and still murdered. | ||
| Look at my face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ow! | |
| Ow! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then Letterman years later wouldn't let Hicks do his joke. | ||
| And so he's like, what happened, man? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| He flipped. | ||
| He cut his whole set, right? | ||
| Yeah, the Billy Ray Cyrus chunk. | ||
| Wait, why? | ||
| They cut his whole set because he had an abortion bit. | ||
| Abortion. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so he was in his hotel. | ||
| It is amoral. | ||
| Enjoying a cigar in the bathtub. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who was? | ||
| Bill Hicks, when he found out about it. | ||
| So he did his set, did what he wanted to do, the material went great, killed, goes back, makes a bath, lines in there, gets a cigar, lighting a cigar, enjoying ourselves like, fucking we did it, giving himself a little bit of pleasure, and then he finds out. | ||
| They're cutting it. | ||
| This is the rumor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I mean, this is the folklore that that is how it went down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go with it, though. | |
| Let's go with that, because it's a great way. | ||
| And they were like, nah, your thing, they're still fighting you. | ||
| I think I read it in an article. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Why would they cut it? | ||
| Because of abortion. | ||
| Abortion. | ||
| Because the country at the time was like... | ||
| Hell yeah, the 90s. | ||
| That guy always had something to say. | ||
| Whether you thought it was the funniest thing you've ever heard before or not, that's not... | ||
| But he fucking always had something to say. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. | ||
| His bits always had something to say. | ||
| To the point where you would walk away and you're like, what am I doing? | ||
| How come I don't have anything to say? | ||
| People would question how they were doing comedy after they'd see them do comedy. | ||
| A lot of bad copycats. | ||
| To the point where the punchline in Atlanta, they had a thing in the green room that said, quit being Hicks. | ||
| Quit trying to be Hicks. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| A lot of copies. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So many guys wanted to be profound. | ||
| They saw this guy. | ||
| But it's like, get the fucking jokes in. | ||
| Get the fucking jokes in. | ||
| You gotta be funny, too. | ||
| You can't just be the preacher of Lawson. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like preacher. | ||
| But I'm just saying, people got too important. | ||
| Too important? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I tried doing this with this special. | ||
| I was like, you gotta follow Norman at the style of this thing. | ||
| These have to be normal jokes that follow everybody. | ||
| Well, that's why it works so well. | ||
| But I think back then, there wasn't enough information about where the art form was going. | ||
| And so, like, people were just trying stuff, and it hadn't been done before. | ||
| You gotta feel like, Kinnison branches out, never been done before, you have this new guy, and then he comes along with Kinnison. | ||
| He's in that Outlaws of Comedy. | ||
| So, Kinnison and Hicks hung out together. | ||
| That's why they have similar facial features. | ||
| You see, like, in that bit. | ||
| It's very similar to the way, uh, when I first saw Kinnison, and then I saw Hicks, I saw Hicks at the Comedy Connection, and I was like, wow, a lot of the sounds he makes are the same kind of sounds. | ||
| They just hung out a lot. | ||
| Yeah, they hung out a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| So whoever knows, I don't know who was the originator of it, but Hicks was very original. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And the way he was writing, man. | ||
| Like that young man on acid bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What's that one? | ||
| I don't know that one. | ||
| You don't know that bit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-uh. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Google Bill Hicks, young man on acid. | ||
| It's a fucking genius bit. | ||
| His clothes are on the banning. | ||
| I found the article about him getting banned and being irate. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| It says like, here's the title, Comic Irate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at these ads. | ||
| Does it say that he found out while he was in the tub? | ||
| Too many ads. | ||
| These ads are up top. | ||
| Just ugly women. | ||
| The screen's a downer. | ||
| He's in his hotel room, yeah. | ||
| I'm pretty sure he was in the bathtub with a cigar. | ||
| I said Dave gave him a half of a Vanna cigar during the break. | ||
| Yeah, that was it. | ||
| He decided to smoke that cigar in his hotel room. | ||
| Robert Morton called him up and said that Hicks' six-minute set touched too many hot spots and in order it axed, Hicks said Morton told him. | ||
| According to Hicks, Morton said he fought tooth and nail to save it. | ||
| Late show representatives, meanwhile, are saying for the record that the decision was a joint one between the network and the show's producers. | ||
| It was just that it didn't fit into the show's set of standards, said the late show spokeswoman Rosemary Keenan. | ||
| Bill Hicks said the show's producers had reviewed and okayed his set a week before when he was bumped for time constraints from an earlier program. | ||
| He blames the network for what he considers a blatant act of censorship. | ||
| And he says, Hicks said, it's absolutely stunning to me the contempt in which the network holds the audience. | ||
| Hicks said, the idea that these people have standards is laughable. | ||
| Nice, dude. | ||
| Pre-Twitter. | ||
| Aye, aye, aye. | ||
| He said, I performed this stuff for my mom on her porch in Little Rock, Arkansas. | ||
| He said, I even wore a delightful new outfit with fall colors. | ||
| I didn't wear black. | ||
| He's mocking them. | ||
| He's like, fuck you. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| Diet of cancer. | ||
| Eat shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that was also one of his last sets, right? | ||
| Yeah, that was a big moment for him. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, it was one of his last sets. | ||
| Oh, damn. | ||
| He smoked like a chimney. | ||
| Yeah, I knew that. | ||
| Pancreatic. | ||
| You ever seen the documentary on him where he's a kid? | ||
| I think he's 14, maybe? | ||
| Doing stand-up. | ||
| And he's funny! | ||
| Really? | ||
| He's doing impressions of his teachers, and it's killing. | ||
| I think when you're a guy like that and you're traveling around the world, you're constantly creating and you're constantly trying to like fucking Figure out a way to entertain yourself and entertain people at the same time. | ||
| And you're really smart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're working with a lot of people that are doing really dumb shit. | ||
| That's what you get. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You get a guy that's just like, I'm happy to fill your lives with entertainment you couldn't possibly think up yourself. | ||
| He's just doing another level. | ||
| And he would say that and just strut on stage like that. | ||
| Yeah, and he did hell gigs. | ||
| Oh my god, I watched him bomb at the Knicks Comedy Stop. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh my god, bomb! | ||
| Me and Greg Fitzsimmons watched him bomb! | ||
| Clear the room. | ||
| There's a guy named Larry Norton, comic on a Harley. | ||
| And Larry Norton... | ||
| I guarantee that guy's murdered. | ||
| That's a good tour. | ||
| Comic on a Harley. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| A good guy, too. | ||
| Very nice guy. | ||
| But, you know, he's doing, like, cartoon characters. | ||
| He had, like, bits about cartoon characters smoking pot and shit. | ||
| He's murdering. | ||
| And then Hicks goes on afterwards and, I mean, clears the room. | ||
| Clears the room. | ||
| There was like 50 people left and we were dying. | ||
| 50 people left and we were dying. | ||
| And he never once cracked. | ||
| Like, it never looked like it bothered him in the slightest. | ||
| But was it funny? | ||
| Yeah, it was funny, man. | ||
| We were laughing. | ||
| We were laughing. | ||
| Fitzsimmons and I were laughing. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| He was funny, man. | ||
| And he didn't lose his timing. | ||
| He didn't lose his composure. | ||
| Like, I've had bombings before. | ||
| He's playing to his audience, which is you guys in the back. | ||
| Yeah, there was definitely that. | ||
| And there's 50 people still in the audience that really did enjoy it, just young people that were kind of wild. | ||
| But it was something happened between the shift from Larry Norton, Comic-Con to Harley, to Bill Hicks. | ||
| The audience was just not ready. | ||
| It's a long name. | ||
| Nobody knows who Hicks was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Something happened. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| See, back then, Nick's Comedy Stop was the star. | ||
| Bro, that was a gentle one. | ||
| Nick's would set people up. | ||
| They'd have, like, Billy Crystal headline for the weekend, and they'd put Steve Sweeney, Don Gavin, Lenny Clark, all these murders on in front of them, and they would destroy. | ||
| These guys are like the best headliners you ever saw in your life, and they only have to do like 20 minutes, so they're coming out guns blazing. | ||
| Larry Norton, comedian on a Harley. | ||
| Comic on a Harley, that's him, man. | ||
| Do you think Comic on a Harley ever had to follow Hicks and go, ugh, I hate following this guy. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| He's too serious. | ||
| Don't put his material up there. | ||
| There's no need to do that. | ||
| But anyway, so this was the guy. | ||
| So he goes up. | ||
| That's a later watch. | ||
| Nice guy, by the way. | ||
| He goes up and kills. | ||
| And we had... | ||
| It was like such a lesson in the composure of a guy bombing. | ||
| Because it never affected him. | ||
| Like, it was wild! | ||
| Because, you know, I've never bombed and not felt terrible. | ||
| Like, what was happening? | ||
| That's the worst. | ||
| You feel like your timing's off, you know? | ||
| He just stayed in it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was like, I know. | ||
| He was smiling. | ||
| He was doing this bit where it's like John Davidson gets fucked up the ass... | ||
| I already love it. | ||
| John Davidson was the host of one of those shows. | ||
| That's Incredible, one of those shows. | ||
| And he gets fucked up the ass by the devil, and the devil implants his scaly semen inside his body, and then this guy has to shit it out on the toilet. | ||
| And so as he's shitting it out on the toilet, Hicks is sitting there grunting and shitting like, yeah! | ||
| And he looks around and he goes, yeah, this usually clears the room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People are just getting up in droves. | |
| It was pretty wild. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sure you played the cunt video where he yelled the back. | |
| Oh, yeah, yeah, that's amazing. | ||
| I just love the idea of an audience member going to his wife like, We should go, right? | ||
| Like, yeah, it's not gonna cool. | ||
| Back to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's get the fuck out of here. | |
| How long is he going? | ||
| It was long, too. | ||
| He used to be squatting for like two minutes. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That's bold. | ||
| The commitment. | ||
| Fitzsimmons and I were crying. | ||
| We were crying. | ||
| We were 21. We just started doing comedy. | ||
| We were in the back of the room. | ||
| Did he have friends there? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I was an open mic. | ||
| He just loved what he was doing. | ||
| I didn't know anybody. | ||
| I didn't know who was connected to anybody. | ||
| This is the cunt video. | ||
| This is the cunt video. | ||
| He yells at some woman in the audience that she's a cunt. | ||
| I typed in John Davidson. | ||
| This is what popped up. | ||
| Oh, this is the bit. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| This is the... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, Abdul. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These moans. | |
| It's like a field ball in the front. | ||
| He's just going, what is this? | ||
| That's me shitting out. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He just hated them. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know, it was like fake contempt because he loved performing, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You can't be that good. | ||
| He was an artist. | ||
| He hated a version of them. | ||
| It was like, they're probably in here. | ||
| Well, he wanted to elevate their standards. | ||
| And one of the ways you elevate someone's standards, if you're that guy... | ||
| Mock it. | ||
| You mock. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You mock what you're doing. | ||
| You mock. | ||
| Get your fucking shit together. | ||
| Wear better clothes. | ||
| Listen to better music. | ||
| Shut the fuck up and get off TikTok. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's like... | |
| You know, in a lot of ways, Joey Diaz mirrors those thoughts. | ||
| Dude, one time me and Joey were at the La Jolla Comedy Store with Kelly Kirsten and I was too dirty and they were like, you could tell people were annoyed. | ||
| And so then after me, Kelly was on stage and some old couple was out The fucked up thing about comedy when you come into comedy and you don't know who's | ||
| going to be there. | ||
| It's like if you go into the comedy store on a Tuesday night and you don't know any of the people's names, you're just gonna go and hope you see comedy. | ||
| The styles go up and down and different. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right! | |
| It's like, see, if you come to me, it's like, how about last night? | ||
| How about last night? | ||
| So am I, dude. | ||
| I just came out of it. | ||
| Rubbing my arm, I look up, you're like, well, the styles go up and down and they're different. | ||
| I can't do it, dude. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| You know what it's like? | ||
| It's like music. | ||
| Like if you have just live music. | ||
| No one would ever have live music where you have rap music next to country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| No, you're right. | ||
| You would never have all that on one show without telling people what's going on. | ||
| No, but you got Leslie Jones who actually did Jizzleneck. | ||
| It's like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| And then Holtzman. | ||
| Holtzman! | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| He's a fucking beast. | ||
| How's he doing? | ||
| He's great. | ||
| How does he pay the rent? | ||
| Was he just at Skankfest? | ||
| Oh, good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was, yeah. | ||
| I saw a photo. | ||
| He should be a national. | ||
| There's no chance I'm doing stand-up. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| You're gonna do it. | ||
| Well, it's only 5.30. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| A show in three hours? | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| It's not 5.30. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fine. | |
| Can we at least prep the crowd and let them know we've taken a lot of drugs? | ||
| Yeah, we'll be down by that. | ||
| Three more hours, we'll be totally fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100% sober. | |
| The booze, maybe. | ||
| The booze may be a problem. | ||
| We need booze. | ||
| To stay even. | ||
| Now we need it more than ever. | ||
| Now is when we should switch to coffee. | ||
| What time is it? | ||
| 528? | ||
| Ride the lightning pussies. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| I'm not going to go. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Joe, can you sell ride the lightning pussy shirts? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Ride the Lightning Pussy is going to be my new special. | ||
| That's the name. | ||
| I was going to call it Sacred Clown because that's the name of the tour, but now it's Ride the Lightning Pussy. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Get a big unicorn. | ||
| I don't know if I can be on mushrooms. | ||
| Sun. | ||
| In that green room? | ||
| You can. | ||
| You'll be down by then. | ||
| Three hours. | ||
| You'll be down by then. | ||
| Bro, how about the green room we're setting up? | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| That's a new place? | ||
| That bar. | ||
| Shout out to the new Rogan Club. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| It's a beauty. | ||
| Holy fuck. | ||
| It's a peach. | ||
| People can't wait. | ||
| When I walk around in it, man, I don't even believe it's real. | ||
| The Comedian's Bar is... | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| It's... | ||
| That'll get shitty. | ||
| Never been treated so well. | ||
| That'll be a fun place. | ||
| You said that! | ||
| It wasn't me! | ||
| I wanted every party. | ||
| I'm gonna fight you in there. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| For sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Isn't that nice? | ||
| You can see the building where we're all gonna fight each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| To the death. | ||
| She was with me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To the death. | |
| There'll be a lot of that in there. | ||
| I saw her first. | ||
| Yeah, how do we do that with guys? | ||
| How do we prevent all that stupid shit from happening? | ||
| That's just gonna happen. | ||
| You're gonna be like a take-it-outside policy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Deal with this knot in here. | ||
| You know what you gotta do? | ||
| Learn to be fucking civil with each other. | ||
| You gotta fight on the tunnel. | ||
| Fight in the tunnel. | ||
| Go fight in the tunnel. | ||
| Come down the tunnel, there's a slobber knocker going on. | ||
| We should have boxing gloves down there. | ||
| Let it out. | ||
| Get it all out. | ||
| That's not fair, because then big guys would fuck small guys with girlfriends. | ||
| Ah, good point. | ||
| It's like Vikings. | ||
| Steal their girls. | ||
| There should be a take it outside policy. | ||
| Come on, Todd Barry, put the fucking gloves on. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| Put the gloves on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| You know how horrible that is? | ||
| That's a terrible idea. | ||
| Get the fucking gloves out of here. | ||
| That can never be an option. | ||
| We'll just go tasers. | ||
| Yeah, tase each other. | ||
| Get it out. | ||
| It's amazing how few people have tasers. | ||
| Imagine, that should be something you have on you all the time. | ||
| If some guy starts fucking you, you can just shut him off with a button. | ||
| Why don't you have that? | ||
| My dad my buddy my buddy was a cop and he had brought a taser out one night and we had a blast Oh | ||
| Louisiana Football You Cow farms, and you would go touch the fucking wires. | ||
| There was a farm. | ||
| No fucking way! | ||
| Yeah, there was a... | ||
| There, you see? | ||
| That's where Zod's got close together. | ||
| No! | ||
| What are you drinking? | ||
| No, you touch the wires. | ||
| You had injuries along with touching the wires. | ||
| Are we trying to heal yourself? | ||
| And then you hold hands with your friends and see how... | ||
| See how much you can all get shocked. | ||
| Right, you connect. | ||
| It's a connection. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's the first guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, he didn't. | |
| It's so funny. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| So you all held hands until one of them touched the wire? | ||
| Yeah, until one of them touched the wire. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Did anybody ever seizure? | ||
| There's got to be a video of that. | ||
| Did anybody ever seizure? | ||
| No. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| None of us had a seizure. | ||
| But it was a real shock. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| No one died. | ||
| No one had a seizure. | ||
| Julius seizure? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Good to have you back. | ||
| Thank you for that knowledge. | ||
| I would imagine that could fuck some people up. | ||
| It's like everything else. | ||
| Some people, a certain amount of Tylenol will kill you. | ||
| Other people, you could just take more. | ||
| I'd take it every week. | ||
| And Seroquel. | ||
| Apparently it's not good. | ||
| Apparently not. | ||
| But we used to steal shrooms from cow farms, and then we'd get shot at. | ||
| They'd be like, get out of here, boy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'd shoot. | |
| You don't want this! | ||
| It'll be gone in a day! | ||
| Well, where Duncan used to live in Asheville, they actually started feeding the cows some antifungal food. | ||
| No! | ||
| So it fucked with the cows... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boo! | |
| For what? | ||
| It fucked with the cows' microbiome so that the cow... | ||
| I don't even know if it worked, but the cows produced shit that fungus couldn't grow in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boo! | |
| Bummer. | ||
| You're adding money to your fucking overhead just to give people less joy? | ||
| Which you should have. | ||
| If you were like fucking White Oaks pastures where everything is like regenerative farming, you'd have a mushroom harvester. | ||
| If you lived in a sane world, you could sell those mushrooms to your neighbors. | ||
| Dude, in Chiang Mai, the hippies start going to the elephant pastures. | ||
| Yeah, in Thailand. | ||
| I went to that place. | ||
| They were like, why are all these hippies coming on our fucking elephant bastards at the late night? | ||
| And they figured it out, and they're like, hey, you guys are good. | ||
| We're selling this. | ||
| We're selling this. | ||
| Dude, I rode on those elephants. | ||
| I rode an elephant all the way to Chiang Mai down to the river. | ||
| What a powerful experience. | ||
| What were you doing up there? | ||
| I was just fucking dreading. | ||
| What the fuck were you doing in Chiang Mai? | ||
| I didn't want to do it. | ||
| My family wanted to do it. | ||
| One of my kids fell off a fucking elephant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| She got fucked! | ||
| Chiang Mai riding a fucking elephant. | ||
| My wife's a crazy bitch. | ||
| Shout out Chiang Mai! | ||
| City on the rise! | ||
| My wife's amazing, but she's a wild lady. | ||
| She thought it'd be a good idea. | ||
| I didn't want to ride the elephants because my perception is that they don't want to be ridden. | ||
| They don't want to be ridden. | ||
| That's a good perception. | ||
| But they're so big they don't give a shit. | ||
| But they don't give a shit because they're so big it's literally like a kitten on your shoulders. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You don't feel like anything to them. | ||
| But I don't think they like it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| The worst part is when they play harmonica and you're like, that's not natural. | ||
| Harmonica? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| Yeah, you never saw them take a harmonica and start playing it? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Harmonica Lewinsky. | ||
| No, I was never one of those. | ||
| No, I never saw that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, they play harmonica, or they'll draw a painting with their tusk. | ||
| I've seen that. | ||
| With their nose. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Their snout. | ||
| It's crazy that they could do that. | ||
| They could draw an elephant. | ||
| They're pretty good. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| Pull it up, J. Mara. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's good training. | |
| Justin Silver trained them all. | ||
| Elephant's painting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Elephant's painting. | |
| Beautiful. | ||
| I went over this guy's house once. | ||
| He was a big-time Hollywood agent. | ||
| He had this house in Aspen. | ||
| Beautiful house. | ||
| He walked in his house, and he had this thing on the wall. | ||
| And I said, is this from his kid? | ||
| Did his kid make this? | ||
| And they go, no, that's a... | ||
| Whatever the fuck it is, some famous artist that had never heard of before. | ||
| They just said some name. | ||
| I don't remember the name. | ||
| And then I go, what is that worth? | ||
| I go, what is that worth? | ||
| They're like, that's a $150,000 piece. | ||
| I go, that's worth $150,000. | ||
| I go, I thought of his kit. | ||
| Without malice, you were like, that's nice. | ||
| I mean, the number 150, I'm just making it up. | ||
| I don't really remember what the number was. | ||
| But it was something crazy like that, where I was like, what are you talking about? | ||
| That? | ||
| I thought his kid made that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The fucking nonsense you people buy. | |
| This is what happens to these people that have too much money. | ||
| They just find yachts and fucking houses and things and art. | ||
| They just buy nonsense. | ||
| No. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| Yeah, we started talking about that earlier. | ||
| It's not Balenciaga. | ||
| It's someone who is an artist. | ||
| What? | ||
| Someone who is a designer. | ||
| Well, hold on. | ||
| Did you look at the artwork? | ||
| Put on your fucking thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't be seen seriously right now. | |
| What does that mean? | ||
| Wait, what happened? | ||
| That means this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't be on camera going, did you see what happened? | |
| Stay strong. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| Hey, hold it together. | ||
| I need you to stay strong. | ||
| Not a good sign. | ||
| I need you to stay strong. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| What happened with Balenciaga? | ||
| Well, Balenciaga had some fucked up ad photoshoot, but in the background they had the books of this one artist. | ||
| And they all love this artist. | ||
| And the artwork's like fucking children. | ||
| It's bad, dude. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| I don't know this. | ||
| It's really like the darkest, weirdest art possible. | ||
| And they apologized because they said that someone made that and they didn't know what was in the background. | ||
| That wasn't the main book. | ||
| Like this shit. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is awesome! | |
| Castrated toddlers? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Wait, are they bleeping out a painting? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| This is castrated toddlers? | ||
| And Kanye's the bad guy. | ||
| What scrap Balenciaga campaign featured book by painter whose work included castrated toddlers? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Bro. | ||
| It's just paintings. | ||
| Who's this lady? | ||
| Yeah, but if you look at them all, you had a lot of them. | ||
| It's paintings of castrated babies. | ||
| What are you going to do for the next 60 hours of your life, Ari? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I'm going to make castrated babies. | |
| What the hell? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| He's a weirdo. | ||
| Like, who the fuck are you? | ||
| Like, why is that in your ad campaign? | ||
| Anyone else hard? | ||
| He's got some Goya. | ||
| A little Goya-esque, and I like Goya. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goya's good. | |
| This guy's got some freaks. | ||
| We're Goyas. | ||
| That's right, you're all goyous. | ||
| Maybe there was like a message he was trying to convey with it. | ||
| It's pretty badass, that painting. | ||
| Dude, don't even show me this. | ||
| Don't even show me this. | ||
| That painting is so cool. | ||
| Like, what kind of message is that? | ||
| Holy moly. | ||
| What is he trying to say? | ||
| It's like, is there a way that you can interpret that charitably? | ||
| We could say, like, he's trying to say something about circumcision. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| There's probably something there, right? | ||
| We're all served, right? | ||
| Yeah, which you think, yeah, that's a fucked up thing, man. | ||
| A lot of people lose their dicks. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
| When babies get circumcised, a lot of them, they get infections. | ||
| They wind up losing their penises. | ||
| There's a certain amount of them every year. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I will say. | ||
| Yeah, there's a certain amount every year where that happens. | ||
| They lose their dicks to fucking circumcise them. | ||
| Do it the right way. | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| Let's find out what the number is. | ||
| It's a rebuttal. | ||
| Suck on them afterwards. | ||
| Gotta have that suck off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the problem, when you don't suck off that dick. | ||
| Well, people have died that way, too. | ||
| You choose your dick. | ||
| Do you know people have died that way? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You choose? | |
| What? | ||
| People have died that way. | ||
| Which way? | ||
| Babies have died from herpes. | ||
| They have a long life. | ||
| Charitable. | ||
| Charitable life. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Babies have died. | ||
| Rabbi. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Isn't that true? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Herpy. | ||
| Jamie, can you Google, uh, Jews crossing the street? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Google the first one. | ||
| What was the first one you were Googling? | ||
| Jews crossing the street was great. | ||
| Jews crossing the street is one of the greatest. | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| Jamie, Jews crossing the street. | ||
| We've all decided. | ||
| We've all decided. | ||
| Jews crossing the street during a marathon. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jamie, what did I ask you first? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm asking. | ||
| It's a moment past. | ||
| Jews crossing the street. | ||
| Jews crossing the street during a marathon. | ||
| I'm trying to keep entertaining here. | ||
| That's the best. | ||
| It was how many people lose their penises due to circumcision. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's also good. | |
| That's also a good road. | ||
| We could need a split screen on that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We don't want that. | |
| I'm telling you. | ||
| Jews crossing streets. | ||
| Jews crossing streets. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Jews crossing streets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's doing Jews crossing streets during a marathon in Brooklyn. | |
| That's amazing. | ||
| That is good stuff. | ||
| It's like Frogger. | ||
| Oh, they just run through the marathon? | ||
| Oh my god, that's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, look at him run with the hat on! | |
| Hey, what are you supposed to do? | ||
| Flatbush Avenue? | ||
| And that was you. | ||
| You were doing that shit. | ||
| We live in a place where there's a fucking marathon. | ||
| Did you have to dress like that? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I was a step down. | ||
| Those guys ruled. | ||
| Those guys ruled. | ||
| I was trying. | ||
| I was a phony. | ||
| Those guys ruled. | ||
| What are you supposed to do? | ||
| What are you supposed to do when a marathon goes by and you want to cross the street? | ||
| Do you play Frogger? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I lived next to the Comedy Store. | ||
| The LA Marathon came by there. | ||
| I was like, I live right there. | ||
| Can I park my car? | ||
| And the cops were like, no. | ||
| There's no break. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| Man. | ||
| Choose marathons. | ||
| For how long? | ||
| For how many hours? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Beat it, dude. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Fucking fill your time with something. | ||
| Shut the whole city down for that shit. | ||
| That is so odd. | ||
| Only time to shit yourself in public and people will commend you. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You can just hold it in just for that moment. | ||
| There's marathons. | ||
| McCusker, my buddy, was talking about shitting at the beginning of a marathon. | ||
| Just right away. | ||
| You appear so brave. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's been running with shit dripping down his legs. | |
| For 26 miles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm scared of guns. | |
| The king! | ||
| He doesn't even bother holding it in. | ||
| You don't even run. | ||
| Get set. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| That's a sketch. | ||
| Oh my god, you run with shit. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Right away. | ||
| You probably have a wider berth. | ||
| People would get out of your way more. | ||
| Those people puking and shitting is great. | ||
| This is all Matt does. | ||
| Matt just tells me shit like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Imagine a guy who's puking and shitting at mile one right away. | |
| And you're like, oh no! | ||
| You have hours of this left, sir! | ||
| You're really sick, dude. | ||
| You're really fucking sick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So he asked to decide, what am I doing with my life? | |
| Oh, look at that guy! | ||
| Look at that guy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| What stunning guy! | ||
| That's how half these podcasts... | ||
| Half marathon! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a half marathon! | |
| Every one of these podcasts ends with one of us like... | ||
| Ari's like, sharted earlier. | ||
| Ari's like, it's a half marathon. | ||
| That's 13 fucking miles. | ||
| That was after 13. That was earlier in the race. | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| Because he didn't shit right at the end. | ||
| It might be right at the end. | ||
| There's no ticker tape. | ||
| It's a photo finish. | ||
| It's 11 at max. | ||
| But even if you're doing 13 miles, like if a marathon is three hours. | ||
| Nobody else shits themselves. | ||
| That guy's weird. | ||
| That guy's weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's just common. | |
| It's very common. | ||
| It is, but also. | ||
| Oh, look at this guy. | ||
| I know that face. | ||
| I know we've all had that face. | ||
| Right when Tyria shits himself during race, finishes top of category anyway. | ||
| What category? | ||
| Shit category? | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Shitting and running. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's like, give me five minutes. | ||
| Oh my god, that's a t-shirt. | ||
| That should be a Squid Game episode. | ||
| That guy had victory tunnel vision. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That would be like the cover of an album if he became a rapper. | |
| Shitting and running. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do you keep... | |
| How do you keep running? | ||
| How do you keep going? | ||
| The focus that takes. | ||
| No, you gotta fucking go home. | ||
| Shut up! | ||
| Keep running! | ||
| That's Rogan competitive. | ||
| Keep going! | ||
| You gotta keep going! | ||
| I'm a tiger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a tiger. | |
| You already shit yourself. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| It's a marathon. | ||
| No one gives a fuck. | ||
| He does. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He says, even I couldn't bear the smell. | |
| Ohhhh! | ||
| I wanted to beat the African-American. | ||
| He shit himself! | ||
| He shit himself! | ||
| Even I couldn't stand the smell. | ||
| That's his quote. | ||
| Oh, he did win! | ||
| Alright, alright, good for him! | ||
| He got his moment in the sun. | ||
| He beat the Africans. | ||
| Is that a professional marathon? | ||
| Do you get prize money? | ||
| Half marathon. | ||
| Another one. | ||
| I mean, if there's money, yes. | ||
| For money, you gotta go. | ||
| People are shitting themselves. | ||
| No, everyone else there was not executed. | ||
| It was a Chinese marathon. | ||
| It was a Shanghai half marathon. | ||
| Oh, so he's over there eating Shanghai food, too. | ||
| One hour, six minutes. | ||
| Imagine if you're not from there, you fly over there, you have some street tacos. | ||
| Let's go, baby. | ||
| Right before the race. | ||
| You shit your pants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have a caution of bats, too. | |
| Somebody sponsored that guy. | ||
| They're like, yeah, that's my money. | ||
| Running down his leg. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, you shit yourself. | ||
| That's showing commitment. | ||
| If you keep going. | ||
| I mean, he won. | ||
| He beat the African. | ||
| That's all he wanted. | ||
| He couldn't stand his own smell as he was running. | ||
| It is the eye of the tiger, but also the eye. | ||
| Did he start throwing up? | ||
| Is that kind of a nice analogy of life? | ||
| You see the moment? | ||
| Wait, when's he beat him? | ||
| Is this right when he's got a Duke-an? | ||
| He's getting torched by these Africans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When's he Duke-an? | |
| He used the propeller fuel. | ||
| Oh, there he goes. | ||
| Someone was editing. | ||
| He's back in front. | ||
| I don't see any Duke-an. | ||
| Wait, it's happening right now. | ||
| There it is! | ||
| Nope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was wrong. | |
| No. | ||
| He's just running. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where is it? | |
| I wanted a squirt! | ||
| He probably barely shit himself. | ||
| Like Mark Norman did earlier. | ||
| Shark tank. | ||
| As he's running across that finish line. | ||
| You ever see the guy doing the flip and then they just play it backwards with shit going back into his boot? | ||
| Flipped and shit? | ||
| It's the most beautiful thing that's ever been made. | ||
| It flipped and shit at the same time? | ||
| Yeah, it flipped and shit and they just play backwards slow-mo. | ||
| Who is this crazy man? | ||
| What a genius. | ||
| You sure that's not Steve-o? | ||
| Flipped and shit at the same time? | ||
| It is a Steve-o type of thing. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Damn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it fun? | |
| This is fun. | ||
| We came back. | ||
| We came back strong. | ||
| We're pretty rational now. | ||
| There was a moment where I couldn't stop laughing at everything. | ||
| Oh man, I was freaking out for a second. | ||
| Yeah, it was too much for a little bit. | ||
| You guys are done? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| We're gonna do a show in two hours. | ||
| No, I mean, I'm still... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Look at that. | ||
| He's shitting. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Look at that hook! | ||
| That was a question mark. | ||
| You gotta see it backwards. | ||
| This is a backwards show. | ||
| Look at this little log of shit that lands behind him. | ||
| It's like a missile. | ||
| Don't watch it on Ridiculousness. | ||
| Watch it on Uncensored. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at that shit. | ||
| I love this guy. | ||
| That's insane about a dookie. | ||
| Good for that guy. | ||
| What kind of confidence do you have in the ability to take a quick shit? | ||
| My theory is he tensed up, and he was doing it, and then she just shat. | ||
| I understand, but the volume. | ||
| The volume was quite a lot. | ||
| If you ask me, can I reproduce that, I'm like, no, sir, I can't. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Stop me if we've told this story before. | ||
| My friend used to take funny shits in school. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Did I tell you this? | ||
| No. | ||
| He would go, there was no doors on the stalls, so he would come up with a new way to shit every fucking day. | ||
| He would come up with a funny way to shit, so sometimes he'd be laying on top of the cross, and he'd shit straight down. | ||
| Sometimes he'd hold himself up at the roof of the stall. | ||
| It's really hard, man. | ||
| It's really hard to do. | ||
| If he couldn't shit, it'd be like one drop. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was holding himself up. | ||
| So he held his legs up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
At the roof of the saw. | |
| T.J. came in and was like, what the fuck's going on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's 20 of us watching a guy. | |
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| Hey, you had to pass the time. | ||
| Was it all boys school? | ||
| No, but... | ||
| It was a weird moment. | ||
| The teacher had to be like, what the fuck was that? | ||
| You know she laughed at it. | ||
| I forget what club we were with with Joey. | ||
| Might have been like San Jose Improv. | ||
| But we go into the bathroom with Joey Diaz. | ||
| He goes, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Go take a look at why I left you. | ||
| And I go, what? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I open up the toilet and there's a log, like a drowning sailor that was pulled onto the shore. | ||
| At the time he was too big to sit on the toilet, so he sat in the front of the toilet and just shit on the dock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just dropped a log on the beach and you open the door and you go... | |
| That was the funniest fucking thing. | ||
| You couldn't flush it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It must have smelled so bad. | |
| You had to help it into the water. | ||
| The beached whale. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| There's so many milligrams of weed in that shit. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| If you smelled that shit, you could get high. | ||
| Nobody can put weed away with Joey. | ||
| Not a human that's ever lived. | ||
| Shut your mouth. | ||
| My buddy was a psycho guy. | ||
| He would ruin parties. | ||
| And we had these houses in New Orleans. | ||
| He was the grandfather clock in the pool guy. | ||
| And there was a house with a heater grate on the floor. | ||
| The heat would come out of it. | ||
| And he shit on the grate. | ||
| And it just sat there like a hibachi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The whole party in about 20 minutes was like, what the fuck? | |
| Wait a minute, you're talking to a guy who shit in a Tupperware and opened it up on Skankfest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or on Legion of Skanks. | |
| It was not shit. | ||
| It was Avenged Sevenfold's latest album. | ||
| It was the best. | ||
| Man, what a stupid joke. | ||
| We were laughing. | ||
| You also shit in a fish tank once, my friend. | ||
| That's what I want. | ||
| Your friend shit in a fish tank? | ||
| Yeah, he was kind of a legend. | ||
| He got kicked out of college. | ||
| I haven't seen him since. | ||
| Yeah, I shit in a Tupperware for Jay's birthday. | ||
| I cover it in paper. | ||
| Wrapping paper. | ||
| We sat there for two hours. | ||
| Then you gave it to him? | ||
| Yeah, he opened it up and it just fucking cleared. | ||
| Mickey Gall was there. | ||
| It cleared. | ||
| Rob Bennington was there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They were all like, what the fuck, dude? | |
| Yeah, Che was outside. | ||
| It was at Old Creek. | ||
| Che was in the bar. | ||
| He goes, what the fuck? | ||
| You gave someone shit for Ron Bennington? | ||
| Yeah, that's when he started wearing two glasses at once. | ||
| What did you say about Ron Bennington? | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| So crazy, dude. | ||
| Was he on the stage with you? | ||
| He was there with us, yeah. | ||
| Oh my god, you did that in front of him? | ||
| I didn't take the shit. | ||
| I took the shit a day and a half earlier. | ||
| Ron and Fez was a great show. | ||
| Great show. | ||
| That was a fun show to listen to. | ||
| Yeah, follow O&A. He has the Unmask. | ||
| Those Unmasks are great. | ||
| You did one. | ||
| I did an Unmask. | ||
| He is the best interviewer. | ||
| The O&A days, man. | ||
| Number one. | ||
| You know, the fact that those two guys separated and just went completely separate ways. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We were just watching it last night. | ||
| The baby bird was so funny. | ||
| When you think it's done, it doubles down how much puke is going to come up. | ||
| Pull it up. | ||
| That's the origin of everything we do. | ||
| Everything was O&A. ONA and then Ron and Fez. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Maybe Stern was before that. | ||
| It definitely started for me with Stern. | ||
| And then what ONA was that was different was it was a hangout. | ||
| It was a hangout. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| For the record, this guy that has his head tilted back said, if you make me an intern... | ||
| Pat Duffy. | ||
| No, he was already an intern. | ||
| No, I thought that's how he got to be an intern. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I'm pretty sure he'd already scrubbed his teeth with cat shit. | ||
| He'd done a bunch of other things. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I thought that's the day. | ||
| He was like, I'll do this if you elevate me. | ||
| You might be right, but I'm not sure. | ||
| But it was my recollection that they had a bunch of stories about him. | ||
| He ate a puke that someone put Froot Loops in. | ||
| Yes, that night. | ||
| That was that day. | ||
| Earlier that day, he was like, puking it, I have Froot Loops, and I'll eat it. | ||
| It might have still been him. | ||
| What is he drinking? | ||
| Eggnog, right? | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| You may be right. | ||
| For some reason, I think it's eggnog. | ||
| So, he throws up in this dude's mouth. | ||
| He's heavily diabetic, and he took an eggnog shot a minute. | ||
| How many people were here this day, Ari? | ||
| Me, you, Burr. | ||
| And who else? | ||
| Maybe Voss. | ||
| This guy's a champ. | ||
| Patrice was not there. | ||
| Oh, I thought he was. | ||
| No, it was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Opie, Anthony, Norton. | ||
| And someone named it the baby bird. | ||
| Might have been Burr. | ||
| Baby birding. | ||
| It was Cumia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was so big. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| The guy doesn't move! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a warrior! | |
| He's a warrior. | ||
| This guy is a warrior. | ||
| For all respect to Pat. | ||
| He unloads on me. | ||
| He spit it out! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He spit it out! | |
| This is like Jesus. | ||
| He's just taking it. | ||
| We're not done yet. | ||
| We're not done yet. | ||
| This is flip phone footage. | ||
| This guy is Christ. | ||
| We're not done yet, bro. | ||
| You think it's over again? | ||
| Oh! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't get any worse! | |
| It gets so much worse! | ||
| Who had to clean this? | ||
| They had a tarp set up! | ||
| the garbage can is useless useless is that what we're doing is that wow he's like that's it that's it so that was my idea Rest in peace Pat from Unaki. | ||
| He's a legend and the greatest throw up artist. | ||
| He's the greatest throw up artist that has ever existed. | ||
| He was putting his life in danger while doing this because he's a diabetic. | ||
| Super diabetic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, that was a piece of sugar milk. | |
| Everything after that in radio is like, it's done. | ||
| Radio's over. | ||
| You're not going to beat that. | ||
| We had a fucking incredible time. | ||
| It was an incredible time. | ||
| More angles have popped up since this has come out. | ||
| But this was 15 years old. | ||
| More angles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was barfing from the side. | |
| It was multiple people. | ||
| What those guys did was they started off podcasts. | ||
| It's a puker film. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they let us come on as comics and hang. | ||
| And be ourselves. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| They let us come on and hang. | ||
| And that's what taught us how to be podcasters. | ||
| Yeah, they would be cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| There's no other angle. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's too close. | ||
| It's way too close. | ||
| It's way too close. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We get it. | |
| It's basically a bukkake. | ||
| You actually want it less clear. | ||
| It's a pew-kake. | ||
| Pew-kake. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| Yeah, that was great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I saw Burr two weeks later at the store. | |
| I was in the cover booth. | ||
| I was in the cover booth and I saw Burr downstairs in the front patio talking and I was like, you're talking about the baby Burr, aren't you? | ||
| He goes, yeah. | ||
| You can just tell the air of someone who saw this crazy thing. | ||
| Yeah, you and I were there for one of the craziest moments in media that someone could actually do that. | ||
| They would lay down garbage bags on the ground. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they're like hefty bags everywhere. | ||
| They waterproof the ground. | ||
| And then they set up this garbage bag. | ||
| They knew it was going to happen. | ||
| And then I said it almost as a goof. | ||
| I said, why don't you have Pat Duffy lean back, put his head over the dumpster, and Pat from Wunaki throws up in his mouth. | ||
| And they're like, no way. | ||
| He's like, I'll fucking do it. | ||
| We're like, no. | ||
| This is definitely the origin of Legion of Skeks. | ||
| That kind of shit. | ||
| Well, the ONA vibe went through all of New York. | ||
| It was a fun vibe. | ||
| It was a fun vibe. | ||
| You were stuck in traffic, and you were listening to these guys telling people to climb face-first into dumpsters and shit. | ||
| It was something. | ||
| They were crazy. | ||
| They were crazy and they were doing something that was different and they would bring comics on and we would just hang. | ||
| And that's how we all got started. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a good metaphor for comedy, too, because they had some misses. | ||
| They had a few homeless things that were weird. | ||
| They did a lot of wild shit, and they got canceled, too. | ||
| They were one of the first people to get canceled. | ||
| They got kicked off the air because they had a homeless guy come on and say that he wanted to rape Condoleezza Rice. | ||
| Ah, that's not so bad. | ||
| I mean, they didn't even know what he was going to say. | ||
| They got a crazy guy on there. | ||
| Also, fuck it in a cathedral. | ||
| That was a nice one. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And I wrote a blog post about that before I ever even did. | ||
| You're a blogger? | ||
| Rogan blog. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wrote a blog defending them. | ||
| This is the craziest thing I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| If you think about all the terrible things that have happened in churches, particularly Catholic churches, and these two people decide to have consensual sex, you want to get mad at people for that sacrilege? | ||
| What about the sacrilege of fucking kids? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Of all the people that should shut the fuck up, that's number one. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| Especially back then, before the internet, before these documentaries where people didn't know the extent of sexual abuse. | ||
| But also... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very funny to make people fuck in a giant old cathedral. | |
| And they're like loud fucking the entrance, follow them around. | ||
| Bro, you don't think that you would do that if you were 23 years old? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Could you perform? | ||
| Your girlfriend's like, yeah, let's fucking do it. | ||
| She wants to do it. | ||
| Lewis Black got arrested. | ||
| Jim Norton got arrested. | ||
| For what? | ||
| They went on a party bus where the women showed their tits and they got arrested. | ||
| They got arrested for that? | ||
| That's how Norton got hired. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We were that far away from the prohibition. | |
| It just happened. | ||
| It just happened a hundred years ago. | ||
| I mean, how long ago is Lenny Bruce? | ||
| As soon as they're off stage, it's like, come on, you know what, we're going to jail. | ||
| Fifteen busted on risque radio bus. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Fifteen people were arrested yesterday aboard a raunchy rolling radio promotion bus after its topless female passengers drew crowds and stalled traffic, cops said. | ||
| The bus, which was promoting radio bad boys, Opie and Anthony, veered onto a midtown street, cleared for a presidential motorcade, but that wasn't the reason given for the arrest. | ||
| It was creating a crowd condition, a police source said. | ||
| They were flashing everybody. | ||
| So was that when they were doing Flash Friday or W.O.W.? Yeah, Louis Black and Jim Norton. | ||
| Busted. | ||
| And Norton, they hired him after that. | ||
| What a fun thing to get arrested. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| That's how he got on the show. | ||
| Wow, good origin story. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| What year was that? | ||
| 2000. Comedy was fun at one point. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It's still fun. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| It's still very fun. | ||
| Ari, you have a quote that I tell the people all the time. | ||
| I said, Ari says, comedy's finally dangerous again. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| Those people leave angry, and now they report us. | ||
| It's like, we're not having a good time. | ||
| We're not having a good time. | ||
| Yeah, it's just weird to report. | ||
| That's what I don't get. | ||
| Like, look, we've all seen a thing. | ||
| We go, oh, that's offensive. | ||
| That hurt my feelings. | ||
| But why would you write about it or report it? | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| It's reading it that's the problem. | ||
| There's three sides to it. | ||
| I shouldn't do that. | ||
| You think a joke is funny, you think a joke is joel funny, and then you're angry. | ||
| Like, who's going to be on that side? | ||
| What's up, Eric? | ||
| He loves that dog! | ||
| It's only you like your girlfriend that much. | ||
| But some people think they have a right to be angry, so they use it to be angry. | ||
| There's recreational outrage. | ||
| And now there's kooks who get behind them and go, yeah, I'm angry too! | ||
| Yeah, and there's a lot of people out there. | ||
| The thing is, it's like we're realizing that everybody's connected now, and it's starting to grow in its understanding of what's possible. | ||
| And it got a little away from us, I think. | ||
| It got away from the woke shit. | ||
| I mean, it changed media. | ||
| A lot of people got scared because they don't like the bad reaction to people that disagree with them, so they just go with this mind virus. | ||
| It's like really smart people that fucking read the comments all the time and it fucks with their head. | ||
| You think that's reality. | ||
| It's just like, get off. | ||
| There's too many people, man. | ||
| You're interacting with too many people in a non-human way. | ||
| You're interacting with too many people in text form. | ||
| That's not good for your health. | ||
| It's just not good for your health. | ||
| It's not good in any way. | ||
| Especially on Twitter, it's only negative. | ||
| It's only negative. | ||
| They're like, look at this art piece. | ||
| What is hard to come by? | ||
| I heard Hans Kim's been reading the Reddit. | ||
| Get off the Reddit, Hans Kim. | ||
| Don't read that shit. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| I didn't mean what I wrote. | ||
| Talented people, like, you know, that can derail you. | ||
| Yeah, but what about these weirdos with the art installations where they throw soup on a fucking painting? | ||
| It's so fucking pompous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's kooky! | |
| For the environment, you're just going to destroy something beautiful? | ||
| Yeah, go help the environment! | ||
| You fucking dork Gen Z dorks. | ||
| You see what happened with the dummies in Germany? | ||
| They glued their hand on this thing, and they didn't know the thing was portable, so they just picked the thing up and took them into the back. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, they glued their hand on a railing. | ||
| These fucking dummies. | ||
| They didn't know the railing wasn't bolted to the floor. | ||
| They just want attention. | ||
| They're just looking for attention. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| It's so dumb. | ||
| I don't care about their cars. | ||
| They glue themselves to the wall. | ||
| Do a backflip with shit. | ||
| Do you see what the Porsche people did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shut the lights off. | ||
| Left them in there. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Go shit yourself. | ||
| They let them shit themselves. | ||
| They didn't even call the cops. | ||
| They're like, ah, fuck. | ||
| Those guys are glued to the floor. | ||
| Like, ah, we'll show them, bro. | ||
| We're gonna fucking stop this climate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This climate is a pro climate change. | |
| Make sure you respect the marathon guys. | ||
| At least they shit themselves earning something. | ||
| These are the same people who interrupted Bernie Sanders. | ||
| They do believe it. | ||
| A lot of people believe if you don't stop climate change right now, we're all gonna die. | ||
| It's possibly true. | ||
| What's his face? | ||
| PBT. No. | ||
| Pat Betrick, Dave? | ||
| Yes! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| You got me. | ||
| He had one of them on. | ||
| They called in. | ||
| Really? | ||
| The ladies. | ||
| They called in. | ||
| The ladies who did the... | ||
| No, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did they say? | |
| What did they say? | ||
| It's the most important thing. | ||
| Well, first of all, their pronouns were he, she, they. | ||
| He, she, they. | ||
| Yeah, everything. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| That is cool. | ||
| Way to rule. | ||
| She's a demigod. | ||
| That's like getting double O in basketball as your number. | ||
| You know how crazy that is? | ||
| He, she, they. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Call me everything. | ||
| So there's that. | ||
| Anyway, I have an opinion on... | ||
| Hey, my pronoun is God. | ||
| Yeah, I invented everything. | ||
| There's that. | ||
| I hate to be that guy. | ||
| Yeah, but they called in and they were like, well, we're just trying to save the world, you know? | ||
| Like, these people are evil. | ||
| And you're like, I know, but you didn't do anything. | ||
| You didn't do anything. | ||
| They did, though, because they're talking to people. | ||
| Yeah, well, so are school shooters. | ||
| They're on the news, too. | ||
| That's a very good point. | ||
| Those guys are making noise. | ||
| Those guys are making a lot of fucking noise. | ||
| That Bill Hicks quote is gold. | ||
| I love when a comedy club has a thing on the door. | ||
| There's a club. | ||
| I can't think of the name of it. | ||
| But it says, you'll think of something right on the way out. | ||
| And that really helped me. | ||
| And I bombed. | ||
| But it's nice! | ||
| Follow the Fear is another one, a Del Close thing. | ||
| Who said that? | ||
| Del Close. | ||
| The Improv Guru. | ||
| Follow the Fear. | ||
| You know when you're kind of in a thing and you're like, I'm freaking out, I'm bombing, I'm flustered, and then you come out of it and it's a great moment? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| At the green room, at the mothership, it's going to say, get it together, bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| Because that's what Joey Diaz used to say to me. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| He used to say to me right before I go on stage, like, get it together, bitch. | ||
| You know, just go on stage laughing. | ||
| I had to follow him during Burt's thing. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He was great. | ||
| Every time he would get off stage, he'd be like, fuck. | ||
| Show them Philly-style motherfuckers. | ||
| He's so positive and fun. | ||
| He makes you laugh. | ||
| He's like a community guy. | ||
| He's all about community. | ||
| Joey calls you up to check in on you. | ||
| Two-minute talks. | ||
| Like, anybody I'm with, they're like, I gotta take this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It'll be a minute. | |
| What's up, cocksucker? | ||
| What are you doing, cocksucker? | ||
| What the fuck you doing down there in Austin? | ||
| I miss you, motherfucker. | ||
| He just checks up on you. | ||
| You check up on him. | ||
| He's a lovely person. | ||
| A great guy. | ||
| And the fact that he thought he could sleep in a bunk on a bus, that didn't last ten minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did we talk about this last time? | |
| That's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What kind of thunderous snoring and farting? | |
| Fucking Big J, Joey Diaz. | ||
| So many people in that bus farting and snoring. | ||
| What is that like? | ||
| And Burt took a bunk! | ||
| It was literally, if you thought of the worst people to sleep in a bus with. | ||
| Burt's like, I want to be a man of the people. | ||
| I'm like, get in the back of the bus, bitch. | ||
| The apnea tour. | ||
| Get your fucking spot. | ||
| It was fully the apnea tour. | ||
| Yeah, it was. | ||
| How could it make it? | ||
| Sponsored by trouble breathing. | ||
| Is that a fun way to do it? | ||
| A lot of guys were like, stop the bus. | ||
| Is that a fun way to do it? | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| We watch movies every night. | ||
| Is it better to do it in a bus, you think? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I'm going to try next year. | ||
| It wears on you with all those guys. | ||
| But we had a blast. | ||
| The way people talk about, Sturgill talks about buses, people talk about buses like, man, it's a fucking great time. | ||
| It's like a constant party. | ||
| I think it's the best time of your life. | ||
| Well, we watched Apocalypto. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| We watched Apocalypto back. | ||
| Just have fun hanging with comics every single day. | ||
| I can't have a bus, I got a family. | ||
| What? | ||
| The problem is, like, the weekends as well I do. | ||
| I go out at night, like, in Austin, but, like, I'm a weekends guy. | ||
| And I know what I want to do every weekend. | ||
| When you got a bus, you're committed to going 1, 2, 3, 4, 10, 12. You were always that way, though. | ||
| You were always that way. | ||
| Even at the store back before you were really going. | ||
| You were, like, Friday, Saturday coming in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I balance myself out. | ||
| I'll do spots during the week for sure, always. | ||
| But it's like going somewhere to perform on the weekend. | ||
| I don't do it that many weekends. | ||
| Because it's just like, you could crack. | ||
| It would be fun with five other comics, though. | ||
| And it's fun when you crack a little bit. | ||
| You know, you're like, let's go down to Tijuana. | ||
| We're in San Diego. | ||
| Let's get some sweaters and fentanyl. | ||
| These wild chiclets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, Joey was fun. | ||
| Bert was fun. | ||
| I was jealous, for real. | ||
| You guys all hang out like that. | ||
| I was for real jealous. | ||
| That sounded great. | ||
| It's such a great idea, too, to do it in those baseball parks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bert's so good at thinking up ideas. | ||
| He came up with a driving movie idea. | ||
| He's still alive. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| He's not drinking. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Do you know Sober October basically knocked him down 90% of his drinking? | ||
| Okay, Joe. | ||
| He tells me. | ||
| I bet he does. | ||
| He's a yarn spinner. | ||
| So you don't think he's drinking? | ||
| I think he's drinking. | ||
| This is what he always does. | ||
| He goes, I haven't even drank today. | ||
| And then Tom will be like, what about those three drinks at lunch? | ||
| He goes, oh yeah, those, fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| He tells his version what he's thinking of. | ||
| He drank. | ||
| It's Burt Kreischer. | ||
| You think he just suddenly stopped drinking? | ||
| If he did, he would still be just as funny and we'd have him longer. | ||
| True. | ||
| My worry is that he's taking, you know, he takes medication and talks about it. | ||
| It's like, that shit's dangerous. | ||
| That scares the shit out of me. | ||
| While you're drinking and... | ||
| He looks great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you talking about? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He's killing it. | ||
| I'll tell you what, though. | ||
| He's the Jimmy Buffett of comedy. | ||
| The dude is an animal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's the best. | |
| He can put it away. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| Great egg. | ||
| He's so much fun hanging out with. | ||
| He helps young comics, too. | ||
| He helps. | ||
| He does. | ||
| Definitely does. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Is there a better guy? | ||
| Than Burt? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| He's in top five. | ||
| There's levels of guys. | ||
| There's no better. | ||
| I mean, Martin Luther King hated Gages. | ||
| Martin Luther King, Burt Kreischer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who else? | |
| He's a good dude. | ||
| He's such a good dude that after we did that Sober October podcast, I called him up. | ||
| I'm like, hey man, you seem worried about stuff that's not important. | ||
| I'm like, you're killing it. | ||
| Why are you freaking out about, like, stupid shit? | ||
| Like, he's like, this person's taking advantage of and this and that. | ||
| And I'm like, dude, you're the fucking man right now. | ||
| You're killing it. | ||
| You're doing arenas. | ||
| You should ride this bitch. | ||
| Ride this bitch like it's a giant white rhino. | ||
| And you've got the reins. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is his moment. | ||
| You can't be getting upset about trivial shit. | ||
| Dude, we invited him to Norman's bachelor party, and I was like, he's probably too busy, but just invite him. | ||
| And he goes, oh, while I'm coming, matching outfits for everybody. | ||
| He's just like, this is my scene. | ||
| Yeah, he took over, and it was fun. | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| I'm glad we do Sober October just to give him a shot. | ||
| Give him a shot. | ||
| Just resetting. | ||
| Well, he's the shirtless drunk guy, but people don't give him his due for how innovative he is. | ||
| Well, we were talking about when he came up with the drive-in thing. | ||
| He came up with this baseball arena thing. | ||
| It's just like he's a great marketer. | ||
| The way he puts together those promos are hilarious. | ||
| He came up with promo content in one. | ||
| Blurred. | ||
| And he takes his shirt off, and it's the loudest pop that anyone's ever heard in all of comedy. | ||
| If only he knew his kids' names. | ||
| When he did it at the Vulcan. | ||
| When he did it at the Vulcan the other night, we were like, what the fuck, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, he was here? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He takes his shirt off with me. | ||
| I would love to see a collage of videos of him going home shirtless. | ||
| His skin bio must be so healthy. | ||
| He comes in contact with so many other people. | ||
| It was cute to see... | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| No, I'm just saying so many fat guys like slobbering with their sweaty body on top of his sweaty body. | ||
| Taking photos because they all take their shirts off for photos. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| Man, that tour was the fucking shit. | ||
| We had a great time. | ||
| By the way, the mushrooms haven't gone away. | ||
| I went and took a piss. | ||
| We have hours. | ||
| They were still right there. | ||
| We gotta get some food in us. | ||
| We should get some food in us. | ||
| Yeah, we can talk about it because you weren't invited to the tour. | ||
| Just walking on the baseball field at night. | ||
| You get down to the set and then you're walking back to the fucking... | ||
| Locker room to get a beer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're literally walking in the outfield during the summer night. | ||
| Look at that dog, bro. | ||
| He loves him. | ||
| Look at that dog. | ||
| She fucking loves him. | ||
| That's a girl, bro. | ||
| Is it a girl? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She, yeah. | |
| That's a girl. | ||
| He calls her a boy. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| Oh, he whimpered. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| There's a dick there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at that dog. | ||
| Loves him. | ||
| Oh, there you go, J-Mo. | ||
| That is like a deep love. | ||
| And it's not anti-Semitic. | ||
| It's crazy, because I thought that was because she was a rescue dog. | ||
| No, that's just Ari. | ||
| Well, he takes that thing to Guatemala and shit. | ||
| I've rarely seen a dog that attached to a person. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| It's so cool seeing Ari with a dog, too. | ||
| He needed something. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Well, he was bombing so much, you know. | ||
| He's different now. | ||
| He is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's back, baby. | |
| Did you hear that pop when he went on stage last night? | ||
| That was inspiring. | ||
| Well, we saw him. | ||
| We saw him doing it. | ||
| We watched him build that hour. | ||
| It was like, it is good. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| I saw him every night at the stand in the cellar. | ||
| We would watch him do it every night. | ||
| We'd be like, dude, Ari's good. | ||
| This is good. | ||
| It's gonna be good. | ||
| You know, that's a set that he had prepared before all that shit happened with him. | ||
| And then he abandoned it, wrote a whole new hour, and then we talked him into doing it again. | ||
| I was like, dude, you can't not do that set. | ||
| That set's so good. | ||
| What are you doing with it? | ||
| And he's like, I don't know. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe I'll go back to it. | ||
| I go, dude, you've got to go back to it. | ||
| Go back to it. | ||
| Pick it up. | ||
| Do it again. | ||
| It's already done. | ||
| The time helped him, though. | ||
| Adding that extra time really polished it. | ||
| The time helps, man. | ||
| It really does. | ||
| It does. | ||
| Like we were talking about those Kinnison specials. | ||
| They're back-to-back year after year. | ||
| You can't do that, man. | ||
| It's a kiss of death. | ||
| And you know, he was one of the first guys to realize that, because he went on tour after he did HBO, and apparently he was trying to do some of the same bits. | ||
| And people knew the bits, and they were yelling out punchlines and shit. | ||
| It was like, oh my god, I have to write all new bits. | ||
| I think Louis fucked that up. | ||
| Like, Louis can do it because he's one of the best, but a lot of people thought, oh, I'll do an hour a year, whatever. | ||
| It's like, no, they need to marinate! | ||
| They need to marinate. | ||
| There's no rush. | ||
| It's like you're making a mountain out of layers of paint. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Takes a little time. | ||
| Sometimes it doesn't. | ||
| Alright? | ||
| Sometimes bits are just fucking... | ||
| Sometimes bits come. | ||
| But sometimes you're like, a year later, you're like, oh, that's a better ending. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| All the time. | ||
| You're like, fuck, I already recorded it. | ||
| All the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that hurts. | |
| That sucks. | ||
| After you've fucking recorded something, you have the best tagline ever, and you're like, ugh. | ||
| So it's easier to just stop doing it. | ||
| You record, it's done. | ||
| You'll just torture yourself. | ||
| Yeah, but you have to bridge the gap if you're doing shows, right? | ||
| If your special's coming out in a few months and you have to do shows, you know as well as I do, you don't have a real hour after you film. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have 15 minutes if you're lucky within the first month or so. | |
| Sure. | ||
| It's a grind. | ||
| Lucky. | ||
| I was talking to Schultz about it, same thing. | ||
| It's a grind. | ||
| It's so fun, though. | ||
| Dude, no way the show happens tonight. | ||
| The show's happening. | ||
| It already didn't happen. | ||
| You pussies. | ||
| I called it a bomb threat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You pussies. | |
| I said, I'm coming, baby. | ||
| And they said, shut it down. | ||
| Chuck me one of those. | ||
| I'm going to give it try number five. | ||
| I'm definitely going to bomb it. | ||
| Didn't TJ did a bomb threat? | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
| That kind of guy, he got in trouble for that one. | ||
| He apparently had a legitimate brain issue. | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| Nice guy. | ||
| Just rip that fucking thing. | ||
| Funny guy. | ||
| He's the man. | ||
| Talented guy. | ||
| TJ's the man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He left like a real show. | ||
| He goes, I'm done with this. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Silicon Valley. | ||
| Yeah, and they're like, what are you doing? | ||
| You're making money. | ||
| He goes, it's done. | ||
| This is stupid. | ||
| I don't want to do this anymore. | ||
| Great, bro. | ||
| No one can riff like that. | ||
| Like, I mean, we talk about... | ||
| Top ever in the world, maybe. | ||
| Tim's up there. | ||
| No, but on stage like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tim's like ranting. | |
| Dude, TJ will go on fucking obliterated and just... | ||
| With nothing. | ||
| Kill. | ||
| Empty holsters and just kill for like as long as he wants to. | ||
| No one can... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I won't be able to go on stage tonight with rehearsed material. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm struggling. | ||
| Yeah, it's interesting how people, like, there's certain times where people accept mental illness. | ||
| He's channeled it. | ||
| We only accept mental illness up to a certain extent. | ||
| And when it's not convenient, we don't accept mental illness. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Kanye. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When it's not convenient, when it's not convenient, we won't accept mental illness. | ||
| But when it's convenient, we'll give mental illness every fucking chance it can. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| It's good art. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait till you see, again, Kanye's fucking Amazon. | ||
| It's on Amazon. | ||
| What? | ||
| Kanye has a special at the LA Coliseum. | ||
| Not a special. | ||
| A concert. | ||
| Him and Drake. | ||
| It was like the free Larry Hoover thing. | ||
| It's the best concert. | ||
| Yeah, he rules. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He's the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, that rules. | |
| Kanye's so fucking good. | ||
| It has been for so long. | ||
| It's unbelievable how good it is. | ||
| He's getting wrapped up in all these things that are not what he's best at. | ||
| You know? | ||
| These kind of conversations about... | ||
| All the shit that's going on. | ||
| I mean, think about all the trouble that's caused him. | ||
| That's an insane amount of chaos that happened to his life in such a short period of time. | ||
| Everything fell apart. | ||
| I mean, the guy was on top of the world. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| That's the LA Coliseum in the background. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Him with the Tron outfit, all this stuff. | ||
| He puts on a show. | ||
| Give me some volume, Jamie. | ||
| Who's Larry Hoover? | ||
| These are the Gangster Disciples in Chicago. | ||
| This is a crazy set design. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The only thing that I pray is that my feet don't fail me now. | |
| Wow. | ||
| It's fun to watch. | ||
| The set design is unreal. | ||
| That guy should get an award. | ||
| He did. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Probably a Jew. | ||
| Probably a Jew. | ||
| Every song. | ||
| Every song's a hit. | ||
| He's had like 20 years. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is huge! | |
| Here's what's funny about it. | ||
| Look at that set! | ||
| It's insane! | ||
| He's so small compared to that fucking place. | ||
| That guy should do stand-up sets. | ||
| He's going through like a manic episode and people are like, Kanye, slow down. | ||
| And then he's like, no, I'm God. | ||
| I'm in the middle of the LA Coliseum murdering. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But don't you think that some of what people would call mental illness, it allows him to be able to be that dynamic on stage? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| And it's a gift, but it's a gift that has to be managed. | ||
| He says it's a superpower. | ||
| He uses it. | ||
| But that was the thing, like when they drugged him up. | ||
| Remember when they drugged him up and he got chubby? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| There's another one. | ||
| He had this crazy mountain on the stage. | ||
| He made it snow inside. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| He made it snow inside. | ||
| He was in Chicago. | ||
| He had his mom's house. | ||
| That shit was cool. | ||
| Bro, before he did the podcast, when Jamie got COVID, unfortunately we had to make things happen quickly and we had to use a set that we had. | ||
| He wanted to design his own set. | ||
| No way! | ||
| He had illustrations. | ||
| He wanted to design a set that looked like a womb. | ||
| And we're going to do it in a warehouse somewhere. | ||
| And I was like, you down for this, Jamie? | ||
| Jamie's like, I mean, I fucking, I guess so. | ||
| And then Jamie got COVID. So we had to bring in Red Band, had to fill in for Jamie. | ||
| And so I'm like, I go, Kanye, my producer's sick. | ||
| So we're going to have to do it with a step-in producer who doesn't particularly know the setup as well. | ||
| He doesn't do it. | ||
| But let's just do it at the studio. | ||
| It'll be easier. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And to his credit, he just let it go. | ||
| He thought our studio looked like shit, but it did! | ||
| The red one kind of looked stupid. | ||
| Oh, that was a weird studio. | ||
| It was an idea! | ||
| It didn't work. | ||
| You know, I thought it looked cool at first, and then after a while I was like, what is this? | ||
| It's like a toaster. | ||
| What does this represent? | ||
| Infrared fucking weirdo hotbox. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Hey, you tried it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Radio Raheem called it the red pill. | ||
| I was like, that's really... | ||
| that's been taken. | ||
| That's got so many negative connotations. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| Which one's the red pill? | ||
| Go back to the Matrix? | ||
| No, that's the one in real life. | ||
| The red pill's real life. | ||
| Oh, is that right? | ||
| Yeah, the blue pill takes you back to the Matrix. | ||
| Take the red pill means see reality for what it is. | ||
| There's a black pill now. | ||
| Yeah, that's death and destruction. | ||
| The idea is like, you know, like, if you're a person who sees where it's all going. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was sick. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Is he on fire? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He set himself on fire? | ||
| Jay Leno. | ||
| Jesus Christ, dude. | ||
| That was like a rep of his family house or something. | ||
| How insane is the production that he does? | ||
| And then they run up on him and douse him. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| And then he goes back and performs. | ||
| Look, the guy... | ||
| He's on such another level. | ||
| The guy's on another level, man. | ||
| I mean, that kind of thinking, he wanted to do a podcast in a womb. | ||
| Can you imagine if Jamie didn't get COVID? If Jamie wasn't hanging out with floozies. | ||
| Jamie, what were you doing? | ||
| In the middle of the pandemic, Jamie got out floozying around. | ||
| What were you doing, Jamie? | ||
| Some downtown whiskey joint. | ||
| You've been in Austin for six weeks. | ||
| What am I supposed to do? | ||
| He's out floozying around. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Point is, that podcast could have been in a womb. | ||
| Coxman. | ||
| Jamie definitely has a big ass dick. | ||
| Oh, I've seen it. | ||
| Doesn't taste bad either. | ||
| Alright, fellas. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Nobody wants to hear it doesn't taste bad. | ||
| A lot of big hogs in here. | ||
| That is annoying when girls go, it tastes so good. | ||
| I'm like, it's skin, you kook. | ||
| Shit, who says that? | ||
| It's skin, you kook. | ||
| He smacked her! | ||
| Did you see what he did? | ||
| It's skin, you kook. | ||
| Sucking Norman's dick. | ||
| It's skin, you kook. | ||
| Don't lie to me. | ||
| Oh, it tastes so good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up. | |
| That'd be one of the greatest things someone's ever said. | ||
| It's not a blow pop. | ||
| It's skin, you kook, and then a gentle smack. | ||
| Yeah, give it a little raspberry. | ||
| Sucking a guy's dick in the 30s. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| With a Tommy gun. | ||
| All right, skim your kook. | ||
| Shut up, bitch. | ||
| Sucking your dick while she's holding a Tommy gun. | ||
| You guys just robbed a bank together. | ||
| Imagine what those fucking days must have been like. | ||
| When people were just driving around with Tommy guns, robbing banks. | ||
| Oh, those are the better days. | ||
| Bro, people rob banks. | ||
| Negative time. | ||
| Bonnie and Clyde. | ||
| Truly negative experience. | ||
| They figured out they could just pull guns on people and get a bunch of money and run away. | ||
| And there was no internet. | ||
| Yeah, just get away. | ||
| No fingerprints. | ||
| No internet. | ||
| They all got murdered. | ||
| They did get murdered. | ||
| They all got shot. | ||
| They all tried to have a shootout behind a mattress. | ||
| How many people actually got away with bank robberies, though? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| By the way, I don't know if it's a great thing to promote here, you can get away, I think if you rob one bank, it's like 70%, you get away with it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's the guys who go for the rush. | ||
| Like if you go and get like a makeup specialist to give you a fake nose. | ||
| I think you can walk into a bank. | ||
| This is good podcasting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ski mask. | |
| Ski mask, they can't find you. | ||
| Consequentially, many bank robbers are caught the same day. | ||
| The clearance rate for bank robberies is among the highest of all crimes at nearly 60%. | ||
| Oh, that's not great. | ||
| That's not a good rate. | ||
| I don't want to promote it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you can walk into a bank with it. | ||
| The craziest thing is that NASCAR is from bootleggers. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Isn't that insane? | ||
| We have a sport. | ||
| Yeah, it makes sense though. | ||
| Made by these guys rush killing it. | ||
| They wanted to figure out better cars. | ||
| Cars that could outrun the cops. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they hot rodded. | ||
| They should make NASCAR guys go drunk. | ||
| Dude, the first time I ever did radio in the South, I remember them bringing up NASCAR. I was like, what are you guys talking about? | ||
| And they're like, you didn't see what Dale did? | ||
| I go, what are you talking about? | ||
| And to them, it was just everybody knew. | ||
| They cared so much more than we cared in the North. | ||
| All these people were famous. | ||
| I was realizing, this is pre-internet, there's places where you go, there's people that were famous, you had no idea who they were. | ||
| You were with me. | ||
| We went to Charlie Goodnights. | ||
| In Raleigh, North Carolina. | ||
| Great club. | ||
| And then we went to the Honky Tonk bar. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| They let him in? | ||
| No, nothing bad happened. | ||
| We were in the Honky Tonk bar, and we're these fucking dorks from LA. We're these dorks from LA. And this song comes on, and everyone knows the words. | ||
| And they're singing along. | ||
| And if you ask Ari and I whether or not that was a real song, we're like, that's not a real song. | ||
| Is this a flash mob? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| They all sang along like we were being pranked. | ||
| And we were like, this is a famous song. | ||
| And it's not like, I know up and I don't really know it. | ||
| It's like, I've never heard of it. | ||
| Have you heard of this? | ||
| Never heard of the band. | ||
| Never heard of the song. | ||
| Because this is like when the internet wasn't really popular yet. | ||
| It was regional. | ||
| It was totally regional. | ||
| These fucking people all sang along. | ||
| They were all dancing and shit. | ||
| And we were like, whoa, this is crazy. | ||
| We ventured into like a new- Regional was nice. | ||
| It was kind of nice. | ||
| I liked Reed. | ||
| You had a community. | ||
| Like a bunch of vikings. | ||
| There was cultures. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now it's all the same. | ||
| I think that's why I like Boston shit so much, because it's like, ah, Harvard, yeah, and all that, because it's rare now. | ||
| Boston, Philly, they still have some culture. | ||
| There were scenes, too, like the LA punk scene, the DC punk scene. | ||
| They had their own vibe. | ||
| You could tell where somebody came from. | ||
| Seattle grunge. | ||
| Yes, that's a good one. | ||
| Boy, is that represented by the fucking climate, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just dour and draining. | |
| That's so true. | ||
| You're just like, respect women or whatever. | ||
| Bummer. | ||
| Suicide rates higher in Seattle. | ||
| It's high as fuck. | ||
| You gotta get outside, kids. | ||
| Get some vitamin D in your system. | ||
| Or you can fucking kill yourself. | ||
| Why go outside when you can just kill yourself? | ||
| Go outside kind of sucks. | ||
| You can just fucking kill yourself. | ||
| I think the mushrooms are wearing off. | ||
| This is goddamn ZinPax. | ||
| It's designed by the government. | ||
| But yeah, we did that in the Fully Loaded. | ||
| We did a NASCAR track. | ||
| Oh, it was great. | ||
| And the guy took us around in the NASCAR and was like, yeah, he's like, hey, 100,000 people come to this every week. | ||
| We're like, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People love it. | ||
| That was the largest college football game. | ||
| It's a tailgate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a big tailgate. | ||
| It's a big tailgate. | ||
| It's a big tribal thing, too. | ||
| Everybody gets together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whee! | |
| Williams Grove. | ||
| Right by my parents house. | ||
| Williams Grove. | ||
| Don't people die there every year? | ||
| Yeah, they get hit by tires right in the fucking face. | ||
| It's fun to watch on video. | ||
| Tires fly off and they just fucking careen into the audience. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're doing the F1 in Vegas next year. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| On the strip. | ||
| Really? | ||
| On the strip. | ||
| Is that F1? That's gonna be insane. | ||
| I don't think people die all the time in NASCAR. No, the one by Shane's house. | ||
| I'll say this, the ones I went, at Williams Grove, I went to a dude, the car flew out and landed on a guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| That was like two years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| Oh my god, you saw that? | ||
| Driver died, yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I mean, yeah. | ||
| You ever see those Le Mans? | ||
| Those Le Mans in the 60s. | ||
| Oh, you saw that? | ||
| You saw a guy get hit with a flying car? | ||
| I mean, I was in the mob in the middle of the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He was pounding a beer. | ||
| That's like a scene in the movie. | ||
| That's like a scene in the movie. | ||
| The flying car coming at you, it pauses and says, let me tell you how I got here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then the movie starts and it backs up to before the guy dies. | |
| Just some wild ass movie that ends with this guy getting obliterated by the car and at the end of the movie you're like, holy shit. | ||
| What a movie. | ||
| No wonder you like Chevy Cruze. | ||
| That would never fucking fly out and hit you. | ||
| Yeah, they're not fast enough to really kill you. | ||
| Chevy Cruze? | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| You say that now, dude. | ||
| The Cruze will get you. | ||
| Bro, you love them. | ||
| You're committed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari, are you going to get a BMW? No. | |
| It's a fucking New York, dude. | ||
| You can't get anything. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| You'll like this. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Oh, that's a dude fell out of that. | ||
| A dude fell out of that. | ||
| Nope, he's still in it. | ||
| No, he's still in there. | ||
| He's done. | ||
| He's like a ragdoll. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| You can literally, you hear this from my parents' house. | ||
| You can see the lights and hear this. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Every summer night I hear the song. | ||
| The greatest drivers of all time have died driving. | ||
| Why don't the Jews make a car? | ||
| Good question. | ||
| Why don't the Jews make a car? | ||
| They don't really make much. | ||
| Are they in the manufacturing stuff like that? | ||
| Well, they own whoever makes it. | ||
| But why isn't a Jew-run car? | ||
| Because they're always like, when I grew up, they're like, don't get an Audi, don't get a BMW, don't get a Mercedes. | ||
| What is it about those German and European cars that are so goddamn good? | ||
| They're the best. | ||
| German-specific, though. | ||
| German and Japanese. | ||
| Bro, Porsche? | ||
| Those cars are fucking amazing. | ||
| They're perfect. | ||
| The new ones, they just keep getting them better and better and better. | ||
| And then the new 911 is so good, it's sensational. | ||
| You drive it, you're like, I can't believe how good they... | ||
| They keep making the same thing every year better. | ||
| That's how good the 911 was. | ||
| 911 happened and they're like, we're not changing the name. | ||
| We're not changing shit. | ||
| Get over it. | ||
| They sold a 2001 911. They sold a 2002 911. Bro, I owned a 2002 911. That was like the first nice car. | ||
| The Bronco went away, but now it's back. | ||
| Oh, Bronco never went away. | ||
| It did. | ||
| They stopped making it for a little bit, right? | ||
| They did, yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| But I think about the restomods and shit. | ||
| People always bought Broncos. | ||
| You know who had the dopest Bronco? | ||
| O.J. Simpson? | ||
| Didn't Mark Curry have a Bronco? | ||
| I think Mark Curry had a Bronco that a fucking tree fell on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Mark Curry's a car guy. | ||
| Curry Underwood. | ||
| Show the image. | ||
| Mark Curry's Bronco was a dope, resto-mod Bronco that he had tricked out. | ||
| And he used to bring it to the Comedy Store. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| A tree fell on it? | ||
| A tree fell on his fucking truck, man. | ||
| He got it in 1995 and it got destroyed by fucking nature. | ||
| And not only that, he kept it and updated it and tricked it out. | ||
| It was nice. | ||
| Damn, did he get insurance for a tree? | ||
| Not to God, no. | ||
| That's how they get out of it. | ||
| That's what I was going to ask earlier. | ||
| Do you think they had to change art insurance now that people are gluing themselves to walls and shit? | ||
| Ooh, better insurance, shit like that. | ||
| Because they're throwing soup at paintings. | ||
| You have to make sure that that painting is fucking protected. | ||
| They're not getting fucking soup on our paintings. | ||
| What if they don't know any better and they throw something that eats through whatever the protective layer is and actually destroys the painting? | ||
| I think it's wild in museums that it's not just behind glass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy. | |
| You can just walk up and touch it. | ||
| Like, every piece. | ||
| But they've had that for fucking centuries, and these animals never glued themselves to the walls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Animals. | |
| People are so crazy. | ||
| They're just respectful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We are going to stop. | |
| She was so posh, too, those girls that were on Patrick, Pet, David. | ||
| They were so posh. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Do it at the fucking Tonight Show. | ||
| Do it at the Today Show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's called Progresso. | ||
| Whatever the- Alright. | ||
| We're talking about them. | ||
| It does work, though. | ||
| It does work. | ||
| I don't see much on the internet that makes me actually angry. | ||
| That makes me- Like, when I see those fucking dorks throw shit on a painting, it actually makes me angry. | ||
| But you're not going to help the environment after. | ||
| Me? | ||
| I'll make some adjustments. | ||
| It's like, aww. | ||
| I'll make some adjustments. | ||
| They aggravate art ensures climate headache. | ||
| It's a climped. | ||
| Yeah, they all... | ||
| Yeah, man, you can't... | ||
| These people, they just think it's okay to ruin art. | ||
| They have glass on every painting, though, I think. | ||
| But what they have... | ||
| You think those two have ever hooked up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, there's some scissoring happening. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But the thing is, that's such a dumb thing to attack. | |
| They need another Vietnam. | ||
| Why would you attack art? | ||
| Why don't you just glue yourself to a fucking... | ||
| whatever. | ||
| A power station. | ||
| Would you have them on? | ||
| Why are you gluing yourself? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't want to push that. | ||
| The kids that did that? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| That's silly. | ||
| They think they're helping the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They would suck. | |
| Their frontal globe is even fully formed. | ||
| They can do what we do? | ||
| Right, fellas? | ||
| What's the organization they have? | ||
| They couldn't do anything like this. | ||
| They couldn't do shrooms and get drunk? | ||
| Not on this amount of shrooms. | ||
| Well, they'll be doing OnlyFans soon. | ||
| What percentage of the population will be on OnlyFans by the time 20, 40-year-olds are gone? | ||
| I'm waiting for Greta Thunberg. | ||
| Why are you such a pussy with weed? | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| Bro, if we're doing a show, there's zero chance. | ||
| You know what I don't like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cold water, but I get it anywhere. | |
| I don't get it in fucking cold water either. | ||
| It's good for you. | ||
| That too. | ||
| I also avoid that. | ||
| Dude, you should do it. | ||
| Just do it for like 10 seconds. | ||
| You get out, you feel amazing. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| But weed's not 10 seconds. | ||
| Weed's fucking 7 hours and I had a terrible set. | ||
| Weed will fuck you up. | ||
| On stage. | ||
| All these drugs. | ||
| Do it after you're done with your thing. | ||
| And it's mental. | ||
| It hurts your brain. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Do it this way. | ||
| Makes you sad. | ||
| You start thinking about the negatives. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You need a different kind of weed. | ||
| You just switch up. | ||
| Whatever you're on, go to the other side. | ||
| No, I think it affects different people different ways, man. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, I like substances. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love substances. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Clearly. | |
| I don't like that one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I get it. | ||
| Neither does stand-up. | ||
| Neither does stand-up. | ||
| Me and stand-up always used to joke around with each other about that. | ||
| He's like, just get blackout. | ||
| Just smoke this. | ||
| Just blackout drunk. | ||
| He just doesn't like that feeling like, ah! | ||
| Which I like. | ||
| I like that. | ||
|
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|
Life is fucking crazy. | |
| I like that feeling. | ||
| I like that feeling of paranoia and lack of control. | ||
| What a nightmare. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| The phone rings. | ||
| I'm freaking out. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Well, you know his house burned down. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Who? | ||
| Stan Hope. | ||
| Stan Hope. | ||
| Oh, I did see that. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| What happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
From what? | |
| It seems like it was in the ceiling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the hell? | |
| Was it in the ceiling? | ||
| Was it like an electrical fire or something? | ||
| What are you doing, J-Bo? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Sabra. | |
| That's the Jewish car? | ||
| I was like, Sabra's the Jewish word. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Sabra, that's pretty fucking badass. | |
| I would get that. | ||
| It's all nose. | ||
| I stole the Porsche. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| It's a hunker. | ||
| That's one where you have a monkey driving it, and you're in the back. | ||
| That's actually a cool-looking car. | ||
| That is kind of cool. | ||
| I changed my mind. | ||
| That's a cool-looking car. | ||
| Is there a Star of David on that thing? | ||
| It's hard to see what a car looks like unless you're standing over it. | ||
| I bet Leno has that. | ||
| Photos are always weird. | ||
| If I was standing next to that car, it'd be so funny. | ||
| It's not a Mazda, it's a Mazda. | ||
| I'll see you all in hell. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| Not bad, dude. | ||
| Lady looks like she's having a good time. | ||
| I dig it. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| She's having fun. | ||
| It's a little drafty. | ||
| We let her drive here. | ||
| Only part of the region. | ||
| Look at my hood scoop. | ||
| Look at the hood scoop. | ||
| Functional hood scoop? | ||
| Yes or no? | ||
| Hood scoop. | ||
| Matzo. | ||
| Let's get some food, huh? | ||
| Matzo Miata. | ||
| Shall we end this? | ||
| Wait, what were we talking about? | ||
| We had something I wanted to pull up. | ||
| We just talked about it. | ||
| Fire it up. | ||
| Fire it up. | ||
| Fire it up, Jamie. | ||
| Oh, the house burning down. | ||
| Oh, yes. | ||
| Stano's house burning down. | ||
| It was in the ceiling, right? | ||
| Jamie's trying to restart the computer. | ||
| He said he ran in. | ||
| He didn't know what to grab. | ||
| Was it in the ceiling with a fire? | ||
| He grabbed a cigarette. | ||
| This is the first I'm hearing about it. | ||
| He grabbed the back of cigarettes. | ||
| They're literally made for burning. | ||
| Get the Kittling! | ||
| I lived out there for a month. | ||
| That house is so fucking funny. | ||
| You lived in Seattle for a whole month. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| It was nuts. | ||
| Sam came out for like a week. | ||
| Sam was there too? | ||
| He's a funny guy. | ||
| I lived there for... | ||
| Comic hangs. | ||
| That's a wild place to live, Shane Gillis. | ||
| So my house is on fire. | ||
| He's still drinking. | ||
| What do you want me to do at this hour? | ||
|
unidentified
|
365 degrees! | |
| Burning down the hole! | ||
| You want to talk into a dumb dance? | ||
| Ah! Ah! | ||
| Ah! | ||
| Ah! | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Ah! | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Burning down the hole! | ||
| Is that viral? | ||
| That should be viral. | ||
| How do you know how many people have watched that? | ||
| Do you have to have a TikTok account? | ||
| Is there a number that is viral? | ||
| 35,000. | ||
| 35,000 is viral? | ||
| No, that's how many views it has. | ||
| First comic I ever saw live. | ||
| Stan Hope? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Stan Hope, so good. | ||
| Sean Patton opened. | ||
| It was a hell of a show. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fun. | ||
| And I was like, oh, we can do this? | ||
| He just got drunk and said crazy shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And it was funny. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That's a good show. | ||
| When I was a new comic in New York and he would come to New York, it was like an event. | ||
| He would rent out, he's like, fuck the clubs, fuck Carolines, I'm going to BB King's or some shit. | ||
| Me and Nikki Glaser went to see him one night. | ||
| Let's go across town, let's go right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| Standing room only. | ||
| Yeah, never use a club. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, look at that. | |
| Look at that. | ||
| For what? | ||
| They covered up my fucking suit. | ||
| They covered up my fucking suit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're going to film today me trying on all the different suits I might wear for New Year's in Vegas. | |
| After I thought, what would I take out in a fire? | ||
| Fuck, my suits! | ||
| My suits! | ||
| And then the fire chief If you have a tarp, I'll go cover up as best I can. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Bleak over there. | ||
| That's not the happy ending from Burning Down the House. | ||
| We should have ended the podcast right there. | ||
| We were good. | ||
| We got to the reality of a drunk guy walking through his burnt out, fucked up house. | ||
| We'll all be there one day. | ||
| He's got the norm disease where he wears oversized clothes. | ||
| Hey, let's look at the comments. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that, the like by Shane Gillette. | |
| That's my guy. | ||
| I'm a fan. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Troy Conrad. | ||
| Oh, fuck, I'm so sorry. | ||
| That's a text. | ||
| I'm sorry, Doug. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| I fucking love you. | ||
| I hope everything's safe. | ||
| Alright, funny guy. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, that brings to a conclusion. | ||
| Another Protect Our Parks. | ||
| We have failed to protect parks. | ||
| Protect Our Parks, Bitcoin, coming next month. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Let's have our own currency, bright people. | ||
| Oh wait, we're not going to plug? | ||
| Let's do quick plugs. | ||
| No one's listening. | ||
| Wow, we got shows, we got websites, we got tickets. | ||
| Yeah, if you're listening now, plugs is nice. | ||
| Plug your shit. | ||
| Plug your shit. | ||
| What do you got? | ||
| Jewface on Comedy Central. | ||
| Seattle, the Moors just added. | ||
| Another show in Vancouver. | ||
| The Beacon is coming. | ||
| Website. | ||
| I'm doing the Beacon. | ||
| R.A. Shaffir.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hell yeah. | |
| The Beacon I'm doing in March. | ||
| You did it. | ||
| No, I never did it. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| I'm for Seinfeld there. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Show's added. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Greatest hits. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Seattle should be up there now. | ||
| Mark Norman, your plugs, kind sir. | ||
| MarkNormanComedy.com. | ||
| We might be drug Tuesdays with stories. | ||
| Out to lunch on YouTube. | ||
| All the bullshit all over the road. | ||
| Patreon. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| Queef it up. | ||
| Praise Allah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Queef it up. | |
| That's the same pose he just did. | ||
| That's the same pose he just did. | ||
| Go buy Gillian Keeves. | ||
| Gillian Keeves. | ||
| Matt and Shane's secret podcast. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Suck our dicks to all our enemies. | ||
| You know what it is, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't go wrong. | |
| Come on, it's comedy. | ||
| We're having fun. | ||
| Brilliant sketches. | ||
| Alright, you guys. | ||
| That's it. |
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