Oct. 7, 2022 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:15:24
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! | ||
| You got some stogies, Bert? | ||
| I bought cigars. | ||
| There's nothing better, Artie and I were talking about this, than a cigar and a coffee in the morning. | ||
| In the morning, yeah. | ||
| You know what's better, a joint? | ||
| Uh, we should address that. | ||
| Yeah, it's a real issue. | ||
| Not with me, Tom. | ||
| No, of course not. | ||
| Dude, I don't have the cravings that Joe has. | ||
| You gotta see Stanhope in the green room these days. | ||
| Are we recording? | ||
| Are you not having any drinking cravings? | ||
| Why are you saying Stanhope? | ||
| Because I smoked a cigarette? | ||
| I smoked one yesterday. | ||
| You breathed it down in one gulp. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I didn't even smoke the whole thing. | ||
| If Camel Cigarettes could do an ad of you sucking down a cigarette... | ||
| I would sniff paint. | ||
| I would spray paint into a paper bag to get a little bit of a buzz before I go on stage. | ||
| I was just trying to find something. | ||
| Give me something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give me a buzz. | |
| Give me a buzz. | ||
| I fucking hold my breath, stand on my head. | ||
| That feels good. | ||
| That feels good. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| I stood up too fast the other day and it felt good. | ||
| It does feel good. | ||
| Do what? | ||
| I stood up too fast and it felt good. | ||
| You know what I really feel with the weed? | ||
| Riding. | ||
| When I sit down to write. | ||
| When I don't have weed and I just sit down to write, it's like I'm riding with weights on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it's like running. | ||
| Running with a weight vest on. | ||
| It's like, oh. | ||
| With weed, I just can get into it. | ||
| I just get into my head and I just find ideas. | ||
| Just run. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like being on stage. | ||
| Last night was fun. | ||
| I was stone sober. | ||
| Last night was fun, though. | ||
| That was a great crowd. | ||
| I took one chance to a couple to the far right, older dude, and I didn't see his chick. | ||
| She was against the wall. | ||
| And I was making a joke about Leanne being old. | ||
| And I looked over and I saw his chick and she was his age. | ||
| And I went, oh shit, your chick's old. | ||
| But then I said, age appropriate. | ||
| And then she was like, yeah. | ||
| Because Liam, the biggest thing is when you upgrade. | ||
| Upgrade your down age. | ||
| When you down age. | ||
| We had a buddy. | ||
| We had a buddy upgrade. | ||
| Women get angry at that. | ||
| We get angry at anyone else doing it. | ||
| Isn't it interesting that guys don't give a fuck? | ||
| Like, if a woman is getting divorced and then she starts fucking her personal trainer and he's like 32, no one cares. | ||
| 46 year old woman, 30 year old personal trainer, no one cares. | ||
| No one cares at all. | ||
| Yeah, if she's single and doing it. | ||
| Yeah, good for her. | ||
| Look, she's got a hot young guy. | ||
| Women are constantly threatened by youth, though. | ||
| That's what they're threatened by. | ||
| Men are threatened by a bigger guy. | ||
| Like, you know, a stronger, bigger version of them. | ||
| That's the threat. | ||
| And that's a money thing, too. | ||
| Money, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Status. | |
| Yeah, money is a big one that angers men. | ||
| Like, when a woman leaves a man for a rich man, that one is inferior. | ||
| Because that seems like the one that's not a goddamn thing you can do about it. | ||
| You can't do anything about it. | ||
| The same reason the woman can't do anything. | ||
| If you go, my new chick's 24. She can't do anything about it. | ||
| Yeah, if you have a girl leave you for a college senior, it's like, alright. | ||
| I'm sorry you left me, but that's fine. | ||
| I would think it's funny. | ||
| Here's the thing, that college senior would not be a threat to your status. | ||
| He for sure would be a poorer person. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| But if he's like some fucking young stud linebacker and he's just sending it in every night, boom, boom, boom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you'd still be like, did he get his allowance this week to take you out? | |
| He's in college. | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| Women and men accrue interest differently. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So like women are like fucking high-end IPOs like out the gate. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And men are penny stocks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they invest, like they kind of like, like a hedge fund, they look at these penny stocks like, you were a hardcore penny stock. | ||
| But you were. | ||
| I remember you were gaining weight and you were fucking like, you were like, and your material's questionable. | ||
| It's like, come on! | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| But I've known him so long that when Christina signed up for him, that was a risky investment. | ||
| It was. | ||
| There was no promise of success with Tom in podcasting. | ||
| Back then it was just TV and movies. | ||
| She had already been on TV. She had already had some success. | ||
| She was transitioning into stand-up pretty quick, getting writing jobs. | ||
| She was making the money and Tom's featuring. | ||
| All of a sudden, your stock fucking goes public. | ||
| Netflix special. | ||
| Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. | ||
| And then, in a weird way, same thing with me, dude. | ||
| I was a rescue dog. | ||
| I feel like this whole analogy was just for me as a Jew. | ||
| But then as that happens, and this sounds shitty, but women start aging, and then their stock starts declining, and then all of a sudden it splits, and it splits and splits. | ||
| And you watch this penny stock keep fucking rising, and some dudes go, what the fuck am I doing with this bullshit stock option? | ||
| I'm going to sell out and get brand new fucking stocks. | ||
| Very interesting analogy. | ||
| Did you ever see that guy, the woman who put out, like, I'm looking for a millionaire? | ||
| You remember that guy? | ||
| I'm looking for a millionaire to, like, make me your wife? | ||
| No. | ||
| It sounds familiar. | ||
| You say a guy or a woman? | ||
| A woman said it. | ||
| And then some economist was like, let me tell you about the laws of diminishing returns. | ||
| And he broke down why it's a bad investment for any millionaire to take you in. | ||
| You gotta look it up. | ||
| It's just like, great. | ||
| It's like, your value is decreasing as their value increases. | ||
| But it increases if you're in love with the person, it increases. | ||
| It stays. | ||
| I'll always joke about Leanne being older than me and old as fuck and looking very old and all that shit. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| I think she's lovely. | ||
| Every week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every fucking week. | |
| But a guy who loves his wife does that. | ||
| A guy who doesn't love his wife doesn't say a fucking word and just upgrades one day. | ||
| Just out of nowhere goes, see ya, bitch! | ||
| A guy who loves his wife calls her old? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he's like, she looks like an old wallet. | ||
| I told her one time. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| When we met that dude who upgraded, fucking left his chick. | ||
| They weren't even married. | ||
| They weren't even married. | ||
| Common law. | ||
| Two kids, great kids. | ||
| She was a smoke show back in the day. | ||
| She was a smoke show back in the day. | ||
| Now, very attractive 54-year-old woman. | ||
| I mean, you know, 54, but very attractive. | ||
| Upgrades to like, I think, 27, 33, somewhere around there. | ||
| The women were living, and then that night in bed, me and Leanne are there, and I go, I wonder what I could get these days. | ||
| I wonder what my value is. | ||
| Is that in front of your wife? | ||
| Yeah, well, that's... | ||
| In front of her, to her. | ||
| That's correct. | ||
| You would get some girl that gets your ATM number, and she'd be drawing money out of your bank account every day. | ||
| That's what Leanne said, Leanne. | ||
| I'd like to see you try. | ||
| And I was like, ooh, angry. | ||
| I'm angry. | ||
| Challenge. | ||
| Challenge issued. | ||
| That's the, you know, you're kind of curious. | ||
| I would love to get a Tinder profile just to be like, see what I can do. | ||
| You'd get some hits, man. | ||
| Can we operate your Tinder profile for a while? | ||
| I would go right to Grindr. | ||
| I'd point that bitch right over. | ||
| That's where you're gonna get big numbers. | ||
| I had a Grindr account for him. | ||
| Yeah, really? | ||
| We started fucking with each other. | ||
| I opened a Grindr account for him. | ||
| And people would hit me up and I'd be like, I'd be like, oh, that's so cool. | ||
| I can't make it today. | ||
| But why don't you come see me perform at the Comedy Store? | ||
| A bunch of little twinks sitting there. | ||
| Wait, are you missing drinking at all? | ||
| No. | ||
| Not at all? | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| Well, tell us about the health stuff, like you were talking about last night. | ||
| I should have some nicotine when I do this. | ||
| Yeah, let's fire up them stogies. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You were talking about... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you got? | |
| Jaime Garcia's are the best. | ||
| Whatever you want. | ||
| We got a bunch here, too, if you want those. | ||
| These Jaime Garcia's are fucking... | ||
| Try one of those. | ||
| Jaime Garcia's? | ||
| Jaime. | ||
| By the guys who do my father's cigar. | ||
| I like a big ring gauge. | ||
| I like a strong smoke. | ||
| Our boy Nick from Foundation Cigars was telling me that there might be some sort of an embargo in Nicaragua. | ||
| He's fucking terrifying. | ||
| No, really? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, there's some shit going down, apparently. | ||
| Oh, I got to talk to you. | ||
| I went to the plantation. | ||
| Oh, did you? | ||
| The one in Connecticut? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How was it? | ||
| It was so cool. | ||
| We saw them curing the stuff. | ||
| There's a difference when you hang out with dudes that know cigars, like Bobby Kelly knows cigars. | ||
| Sure, knows cigars. | ||
| He introduced me to Tatuaje, which is one of my favorite cigars. | ||
| And it's almost like you hang out with someone who, like, it's like hanging out with a grown-up all of a sudden, but you're the same age. | ||
| Bobby's turned me on to so many good cigars. | ||
| Hanging out with a grown-up beer the same age. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Because he knows his shit. | ||
| He's a man. | ||
| He's an actual man instead of this. | ||
| See, me, I don't know cigars and I don't know wine. | ||
| I like it, but I'm like, I have no time in my head to become a wine connoisseur. | ||
| All you gotta know about cigars is $13. | ||
| You just go, what's around $13 and you'll get a good cigar. | ||
| It's maybe my funnest thing of going into a cigar shop is getting into the humidor with the owner and being like, hey man, tell me what I want. | ||
| I'll tell you what I like. | ||
| I like something that kind of knocks me off my ass a little bit. | ||
| I like something a little stronger, but I'm a ring gauge whore. | ||
| I like a big, sometimes too big feels like a cock. | ||
| Dude, I went to Cigar Lounge with this guy, Reggie Conquist, black guy, comic, and I was like, it's his first cigar, get him something, and he goes, do you want something flavored? | ||
| I was like, no! | ||
| Flavored. | ||
| Flavored. | ||
| Some strawberry cigar. | ||
| Black dude's always like, that's your raspberry? | ||
| And you're like, yeah. | ||
| Flavored. | ||
| Flavored cigars, that's so gross. | ||
| Yeah, like, I know what I like in terms of... | ||
| There's another lighter here, too. | ||
| I know what I like in terms of, like, a good wine. | ||
| Like, I take pictures of wines. | ||
| Me, too. | ||
| Yeah, there's a good app. | ||
| I think it's called... | ||
| Dude, I take pictures of wine and send it to Matt. | ||
| Matt Staggs? | ||
| You're Matt. | ||
| Oh yeah? | ||
| He's into wine? | ||
| Yeah, my business manager is a legitimate connoisseur. | ||
| And he has like half a million dollars worth of wine in his house, at least. | ||
| Probably more than that. | ||
| I know that about him, so I'll send him on. | ||
| I'll be like, this is good. | ||
| He'll write, no shit. | ||
| It's called Vivino. | ||
| So there's an app. | ||
| What kind of response is that? | ||
| Can you imagine somebody going, hey, I just saw, you know, Burt Gresh is really funny, but yeah, no fuck. | ||
| So with this app, it's called Vivino. | ||
| So you take a photo of the label, and then you could order it right from the app. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Tony and I were eating at this steak restaurant. | ||
| We're drinking this really good Cabernet. | ||
| We're like, God damn, this is great wine. | ||
| This is the best wine I've ever had. | ||
| It's just really good. | ||
| And he goes, have you heard about Vivino? | ||
| I go, what's that? | ||
| He goes, we could order this wine right now. | ||
| I go, how? | ||
| That is brilliant. | ||
| He took a photo of it, and then it shows you. | ||
| It's like, oh, and then it pulls it up. | ||
| Would you like to buy a case? | ||
| Like, yeah. | ||
| That's brilliant. | ||
| It just sends it to your house. | ||
| We got back from the road on Tuesday. | ||
| I had a case of wine at my house. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That sounds great. | ||
| Vivino. | ||
| Yeah, Vivino. | ||
| Yeah, because I take pictures of them all the time, but then I realize I don't do anything. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I forget to look them up. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| You're like, if I see this, I'll get it, but you're not going to remember. | ||
| Never. | ||
| So then, okay, let's talk about man shit. | ||
| Do you know the difference between dry aged and wet aged? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Okay, I don't. | ||
| Wine or cigars? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Meat. | |
| Meat. | ||
| Yeah, dry aged is done in a large, usually like a cooler, and they have a fan that circulates the air. | ||
| For longer, too, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Usually. | ||
| Well, Adam Perry Lang, I became friends with him, and he had APL, which went under because of the fucking pandemic in LA. It was one of the best steakhouses. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| And he would dry-age his meat for a year. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Did you ever eat there with him? | ||
| No. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| A year? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He was taking all these experiments in dry-aging, and he would do, like, your 60-day dry-age, your 90-day dry-age, but he's like, you've got to try this stuff. | ||
| It's, like, 365-day dry-aged, like, So it's got to be like muskier. | ||
| Like a nutty, weird taste. | ||
| Not my favorite. | ||
| It's not like I wouldn't want to have like a 16 ounce T-bone like that. | ||
| But for a small piece, it was just really interesting. | ||
| It's like a piece of foie gras or something. | ||
| Almost like liver. | ||
| But not even liver. | ||
| It's just like it's its own thing. | ||
| I just had raw liver. | ||
| He had raw liver? | ||
| Yeah, with the liver king. | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| With him? | ||
| Yeah, he came to my house. | ||
| Did you guys podcast? | ||
| We did a podcast. | ||
| The liver king. | ||
| You'd be shocked how much we haven't caught it. | ||
| Oh, I believe you're both delusional. | ||
| We don't brush our teeth. | ||
| Are you getting ab implants? | ||
| He loves livers and yours is failing. | ||
| Did you ask him if he has ab implants? | ||
| Yeah, he said it was a joke. | ||
| He said he doesn't have them. | ||
| He's fucking jacked. | ||
| Says he's clean, too. | ||
| I asked him for steroids. | ||
| Not true. | ||
| Not true. | ||
| Well, the podcast comes out on BirdCast. | ||
| Everyone check it out. | ||
| Tell you that right now. | ||
| Test that guy. | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, here's my takeaway. | ||
| There's a lot of self-help gurus these days than there ever has been in history. | ||
| When I was a kid, it was Tony Robbins. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And still doing it, too, which is wild. | |
| Tony Robbins. | ||
| Still doing it. | ||
| Still doing it, dude. | ||
| Selling out huge places. | ||
| You know who's good friends with him? | ||
| Jesse May. | ||
| Jesse Mae Peluso? | ||
| Really? | ||
| She's good friends with Tony. | ||
| I'd go to one of his things. | ||
| I'd go to one of his things. | ||
| Yeah, Dana White's good friends with Tony. | ||
| He's gotta be good at what he does. | ||
| Oh, he's great at it! | ||
| He's fucking great at it! | ||
| Put a pin in Dana White. | ||
| I want to talk about him today. | ||
| Alright, we'll put a pin in it. | ||
| But when I was 21 years old, when I was first starting to do stand-up, I got Unlimited Power, which is one of his books. | ||
| And it had like audio cassettes. | ||
| He would listen to his audio cassettes. | ||
| And I was living in Revere, Massachusetts with this shitty apartment. | ||
| And I was writing things down and reading his book and trying to motivate myself and fucking get ahead in life. | ||
| He's got legit points. | ||
| He's done a good job of curating really good inspirational ideas. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| We all did his birthday show once in Hollywood somewhere. | ||
| Comedy show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| He just had a bunch of comedians. | ||
| He came to the comedy store and he was like, all those guys I liked, just hire him. | ||
| Gave us each 75 bucks. | ||
| It was really cool. | ||
| And then Jeff Richards was like, no, I'm getting 1,500. | ||
| Like, how'd you get $1,500? | ||
| He goes, huh? | ||
| They said $75. | ||
| I go, how about $1,500? | ||
| And they go, yeah, sure, whatever. | ||
| You know, Tony Robbins respects that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| That's a great negotiation. | ||
| That's a giant. | ||
| What about $5,000? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about $10,000? | |
| Well, Anthony Robbins, he's rich as fuck. | ||
| So rich. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that guy's been selling inspiration for 40 years. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| You ever see the video of him going to, he has a house in Bali, and him making all his servants sing to him? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's fucking hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Sing to him? | ||
| He makes them sing to him? | ||
| That's fucking one of my favorites. | ||
| Like, how does he make them? | ||
| Like, sing to me! | ||
| Did he catch the whip out? | ||
| I'm sure he would never see this. | ||
| It's a video he goes to his place. | ||
| I'm sure he would have a different version of this story. | ||
| If you saw it, you can see the look in the gardener's face. | ||
| He makes everyone stop working, and then they all do a traditional Bali chant. | ||
| And you can see they're just like, oh, fucking... | ||
| Okay, here we go. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| White guy wants us to sing. | ||
| And also be on film. | ||
| And also be on film. | ||
| And also be on the internet, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is this it? | |
| It's got to be the video where he's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I could see that he still kind of had like a kid's approach to the whole thing. | |
| Are we on time? | ||
| Am I late? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They had to catch a flight to Australia. | |
| He's a big motherfucker. | ||
| He's got legit giantism. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A group of people who worked at Namale had formed a semicircle to sing a traditional Fiji farewell song. | |
| That dude with glasses is not here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm so sorry, but I look forward to coming back home to see all the family again. | |
| It's been a beautiful, beautiful trip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the day! | |
| It's the day! | ||
| He's got a staff like he's in a resort. | ||
| He is in a resort. | ||
| This is a resort. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's his resort? | |
| It's his place. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| He's not for everyone. | ||
| There are plenty of- It's not for you, bro. | ||
| And that's why you're not successful, motherfucker. | ||
| That guy needs to do squats. | ||
| That guy's my favorite. | ||
| Saint Bernard's son in the back. | ||
| He needs to... | ||
| So this is his staff for his home? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Look at his shirt. | ||
| It's the Anthony Bourdain Resort. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| So he's got a resort that you could visit? | ||
| You mean Robins? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| All them Anthony's, you know how it is. | ||
| I was like, yeah, what? | ||
| Those Anthony's are all the same to me. | ||
| Yeah, he's got giantism, you know? | ||
| Yeah, for real? | ||
| I think he's got like a pituitary gland issue. | ||
| He's an enormous man. | ||
| Bert, you have that. | ||
| Pituitaryism? | ||
| I wish. | ||
| There's a few people there that are unenthusiastically clapping in that chain. | ||
| It's my favorite video. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| I want to go back. | ||
| I want to go back because we glossed over that we came back. | ||
| When we were in the green room, you were talking about your blood pressure. | ||
| You were talking about your inflammation and how good you feel just five days off of booze. | ||
| What a difference it's made. | ||
| Yeah, I feel phenomenal. | ||
| My blood pressure dropped immediately into perfect blood pressure. | ||
| Like, it's 140 over 90. If I'm partying hard, and then two days after drinking, it's 120 over 70. Two days? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And my blood pressure drops. | ||
| I mean, my stomach, my stomach starts making noises, like really aggressive. | ||
| Didn't it inflame at first? | ||
| Yeah, it super inflamed, and then it just starts going, hmmm. | ||
| Dude, that's pretty fucking good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good impression of whatever the fuck was happening. | |
| I mean, that's another level. | ||
| I was farting so aggressively the first day not drinking. | ||
| I was at the store, and I was trying to have a conversation with someone about disc golf, and I had my ass in the main room towards the bathroom, and I was ripping farts that were just coming. | ||
| I think my inflammation is so bad, it kind of blocks up my stomach. | ||
| And I was gassy as fucking shit. | ||
| But I don't think you account for how much you, like, when you drink normal Burt drinking, which is a lot, you also eat crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You eat crazy. | |
| I eat wild. | ||
| I don't eat bad. | ||
| Last night, I grabbed those tacos and the bell pepper, brought it home, and I went, I don't want this. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| I gave it to John Manns and my assistant Peter. | ||
| That was an aggressive bullshit, Ari. | ||
| You want to call him right now? | ||
| I don't believe you. | ||
| I don't believe you, then. | ||
| Wow, this is aggressive. | ||
| But wait, so don't you think both? | ||
| Literally multiple homeless people said, hey, are you eating that food? | ||
| And you go, yeah, I took it to eat it. | ||
| Yeah, I wanted to, but I got home and I went, hold on. | ||
| So you were walking around and homeless people were asking you for your food? | ||
| Yeah, you had a to-go box. | ||
| Welcome to Austin, Joe. | ||
| Where are you walking where homeless people are asking for your food? | ||
| From the Vulcan. | ||
| From the Vulcan. | ||
| So you walked all the way to... | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I just walked outside the Vulcan and there was a plethora of homeless people going, hey, can I get that food from you? | ||
| Is that a doggy bag? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I have it? | |
| Why don't you just give them the food then? | ||
| And he took it to eat it. | ||
| Well, at first I took it because I hadn't eaten all day. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Then you brought it back and you decided not to eat it. | ||
| I got home... | ||
| Here's one of the things that happened a little bit when I got this full metabolic blood panel, full comprehensive concierge doctor visit. | ||
| And the guy said, we were talking about changing my lifestyle. | ||
| And there was a period of time, Tom knows this, where I was throwing up while I slept and breathing it into my lungs. | ||
| It's called aspirating. | ||
| And it was giving me hardcore acid reflux. | ||
| And I went to the doctor and the doctor said, listen man, this is going to affect your career. | ||
| You're not going to be able to talk. | ||
| I was losing my voice like crazy. | ||
| He goes, you've got to stop eating before you go to bed. | ||
| And I stopped entirely. | ||
| I stopped eating before I went to bed. | ||
| Because I saw direct reflection in my career, I could do it. | ||
| And so this other doctor, he's like, you need to lose weight. | ||
| And he's like, here's why I think you can do that. | ||
| Because you did it with the eating before you went to bed, so you can change your lifestyle. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| So last night when I went home, I brought the food, because that's my impulse. | ||
| Set it down. | ||
| Called Manz and Peter. | ||
| They came up to my room. | ||
| They ate it. | ||
| And I went, I'll be throwing this up in my throat all fucking night. | ||
| All night I won't sleep. | ||
| I won't feel rested. | ||
| I'll go into the podcast feeling like shit. | ||
| I didn't eat any of it. | ||
| I didn't eat any of it. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a great story. | ||
| Do you want to call it bullshit? | ||
| No, he just says the story sucked. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I meant it's a tall tale. | ||
| So, I couldn't even tell you what was in the tacos. | ||
| Couldn't even tell you. | ||
| Those tacos are good. | ||
| That's CM Smokehouse. | ||
| We're six days in. | ||
| Couldn't be in there. | ||
| Have you already weighed differently? | ||
| I lost like eight pounds. | ||
| How's your tits and your arms? | ||
| Ari could barely hold the mic last night. | ||
| Oh, I'm fine. | ||
| I have to keep switching arms from the push-ups. | ||
| I can't hold a phone to my head for like two minutes. | ||
| I have to switch arms. | ||
| I'm dead. | ||
| I look amazing. | ||
| Do you do? | ||
| I'll show you a picture right now. | ||
| Right now? | ||
| I'm looking at you. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Shirtless. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck are you saying? | |
| Shirtless. | ||
| Shirtless? | ||
| I took this picture. | ||
| I sent you a picture of me shirtless. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Your picture was, I opened it on the plane. | ||
| Your picture was unreal. | ||
| And it's unreal. | ||
| Like, I wanted to leak it. | ||
| Yeah, I'm on testosterone. | ||
| Unlike the liver king, I'll tell you the truth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The... | |
| Be honest. | ||
| Be honest. | ||
| Is that a good picture? | ||
| I'll say no and I didn't even look at it. | ||
| Not bad. | ||
| You got a good cock. | ||
| My shoulders and chest, though, not bad, right? | ||
| Yeah, but your cock is a good, solid cock. | ||
| Thank you, thank you. | ||
| Especially limp. | ||
| Yeah, thank you. | ||
| Well, I fluffed it. | ||
| I fluffed it. | ||
| Did you fluff a little? | ||
| I fluffed it. | ||
| I got it hard. | ||
| It hangs. | ||
| I walked by the mirror and I was like, I look good. | ||
| I was like, I'm going to take a picture. | ||
| I'll fluff myself alone in a hotel room to walk by the mirror just to see myself. | ||
| Just to see your max potential? | ||
| No, just to feel like, oh, that's normal. | ||
| You ever put a rubber band around your dick and balls, like the whole thing? | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| Just to keep it all together in a package and just fucking keep that blood in there? | ||
| They used to have Speedos that had cock rings in them that would shove your shit up front and you look awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus, no. | |
| What the fuck was that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He almost aspirated. | |
| So you go to this concierge service, you get all this blood panel done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And what is the guy, what kind of advice is he giving you? | ||
| Well, first of all, he thought I was a liar. | ||
| Like, when we sat down, he was like, much like Ari. | ||
| He goes, how much you drink, you're honest. | ||
| I tell him everything. | ||
| And he goes, don't work out. | ||
| And I said, excuse me? | ||
| He goes, do not work out. | ||
| I don't want you in a gym. | ||
| I don't want you doing anything. | ||
| He goes, you are high risk to literally have a stroke, a heart attack, and I went, actually, and by the way, we did quartered artery scans on my neck, did calcium. | ||
| EKG and everything. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Did everything. | ||
| And he's like, and we haven't gotten the results yet, and I said, I actually go to a cardiologist every six months. | ||
| I work out pretty fucking hard. | ||
| I'm not going to stop working out. | ||
| It's kind of my thing is I wake up, I party, and then I wake up, and then I work out hard as fuck. | ||
| I think I'm fine. | ||
| He goes, trust me, What you're telling me, if you work out, you'll have a stroke and you're going to die. | ||
| Actually, he's probably telling you that because most people would. | ||
| But is he telling you it's based on the volume of alcohol? | ||
| Based on just a conversation, an interview of like, how much do you drink, my weight. | ||
| Most people who would drink, like he drinks, would not be active. | ||
| And so I told him, I said, hey man, I'm not going to change anything. | ||
| If you want to have that conversation, when we get my blood work back and all my tests, that's fine. | ||
| I said I don't think you're going to find any blockage anywhere because I've already had all these. | ||
| I'm already on medication. | ||
| I'm on blood thinners. | ||
| I think I'm going to be fine. | ||
| I'm going to continue to work out. | ||
| I'll scale it back a titch. | ||
| A titch? | ||
| Usually I go until I work out pretty fucking hard. | ||
| Yeah, I worked out with you on a gym. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do. | |
| You get after it. | ||
| And so... | ||
| Blood work comes back like two days later, three days later, and he's like, I don't know what to tell you. | ||
| He's like, none of it makes sense. | ||
| He's like, you have no blockage. | ||
| From what you're telling me, either you're lying to me, He's got a test for the mantle gene. | ||
| Well, I think you're a very unusual specimen. | ||
| And Tom and I were talking about this. | ||
| If you didn't drink and party and you just worked out all the time, I think you'd be a freak athlete. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I think you're one of those guys that if you just didn't party at all and hit the gym and trained your whole life, you'd be a fucking freak. | ||
| I really think that. | ||
| I don't disagree. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I really enjoy working out. | ||
| I do enjoy it and I work out really hard. | ||
| Working out sober hard, I don't think I've ever worked out this hard sober with direction. | ||
| You get drunk and then work out? | ||
| I have, yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He drinks wine on the treadmill. | ||
| It's my favorite thing in the world. | ||
| Have you ever done it? | ||
| It's so much fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No one's done it. | ||
| Oh, it's the fucking best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Oh, it's the best. | ||
| I like to get high and work out, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I like to get really high. | ||
| Like, so high, I'm scared of life. | ||
| High and shoot hoops is fun. | ||
| High and play pool is the best. | ||
| Just get high. | ||
| You know where the ball's going. | ||
| Like, you feel it more. | ||
| High and poker, I see through people. | ||
| Oh, that's interesting. | ||
| You see the lies. | ||
| Yeah, I just know what everybody's holding. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Edibles or smoking? | ||
| Weed. | ||
| And then every break, you've got to run back to your car, smoke a bunch, and come back. | ||
| Get more power. | ||
| Get more power. | ||
| But that's why I was saying edibles. | ||
| Would edibles give you the same result? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It might be too crazy. | ||
| Sir, it's your turn to play. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't handle truth. | |
| But getting high and lifting weights, man, you just fucking, you feel like every fiber of your muscles, like when you're doing chin-ups when you're high, it's like you feel like... | ||
| You feel it all. | ||
| You feel like all the fibers working together. | ||
| Like stretching when you're high. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Everything's like... | ||
| So yoga would be dope. | ||
| Yoga is amazing high. | ||
| I bet yoga high would be fucking hot. | ||
| Yoga is amazing high. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, in India, a lot of the yogis, they smoke chillums. | ||
| They do hashish. | ||
| And they do yoga. | ||
| How about hot box yoga? | ||
| And just fill that room up with weed smoke. | ||
| Yeah, like one of them smoke machines? | ||
| Yeah, just keep pumping it in. | ||
| Dude, I know a guy with a hot yoga studio in his office. | ||
| Yeah, me. | ||
| That's what I was gonna say. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| The guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's right here. | |
| Wait, you crank up the heat in there? | ||
| No, I have a hot yoga studio in one of my... | ||
| You didn't see it? | ||
| I didn't show it to you? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| Yeah, I have a hot yoga room. | ||
| It's bigger than this room, and it has its own heating system. | ||
| And so it's completely isolated from the rest of the gym, so you can crank it up to 105, whatever the fuck you want. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You want to get crazy, you can go 130. Fuck. | |
| I know a lot of guys who do, there's a company that makes an infrared sauna that's designed specifically for working out in it. | ||
| It has like chin-up bars and shit. | ||
| See if you can find what that is. | ||
| It's a different kind of sauna than I use. | ||
| I use the traditional rock sauna, like the hot rocks. | ||
| How hot do you go? | ||
| I do 185. Infrared is a little more sustainable, meaning I had an infrared one for a while. | ||
| I have the Hot Rock one. | ||
| I love the Hot Rock one. | ||
| But infrared, you can go in and actually sit in there for 35 minutes and you build. | ||
| Yeah, but see, that's the problem. | ||
| The problem is the reason why it's uncomfortable when you're going really hot is that's what you need because that's how your body builds the heat shock proteins. | ||
| There's not the same kind of studies that are done on infrared saunas. | ||
| The 20-year Finland study, there's a Finland study that showed a 40% decrease in all-cause mortality for people who use the sauna four times a week, 20 minutes at a time, and I think it's 170, 175 degrees. | ||
| But they showed a 40% decrease in strokes, heart attacks, like everything. | ||
| It's non-impact cardiovascular, correct? | ||
| It is. | ||
| I'm pairing you, I think. | ||
| You're sitting there and your heart is jet- like I wore the heart strap the other day. | ||
| I wore it too. | ||
| An hour at the schvitz. | ||
| It's like 134, 135, so your head is like a slow, steady heart, because I'm hot as balls in there. | ||
| 400 calories I got. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Oh, that's fucking great. | ||
| What's the company called? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Lux sauna. | ||
| Wait, is that speed bags in a sauna? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Speed bags in a sauna. | ||
| They have chin-up bars. | ||
| There's certain saunas that they know. | ||
| I know a bunch of MMA fighters are using them. | ||
| But the thing is, this is definitely better than no sauna. | ||
| But the thing about the hot sauna, this is what Laird Hamilton told me. | ||
| Laird Hamilton does it with oven mitts. | ||
| Well, he gets on an Airdyne bike. | ||
| But he does it in a regular dry sauna. | ||
| Wait, so what's wrong with the infrared? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| No, it's great for you. | ||
| Infrared's meant to increase your core body temperature before your skin. | ||
| The studies on sauna and longevity and health that came out of Finland were these really amazing studies that I was just citing. | ||
| And that's with a regular sauna. | ||
| And the thing about the regular sauna is it's more uncomfortable, but the more uncomfortable one is the one that jacks your heart rate up, and it also makes your body work harder, and that's what produces the heat shock proteins. | ||
| At least that's what I've been told, and this is talking to Dr. Rhonda Patrick and Laird Hamilton. | ||
| Andrew Huberman and all these scientists where they're talking about the specific things that happen in your body. | ||
| Your body produces cytokines. | ||
| It produces these anti-inflammatory heat shock proteins that are just fucking phenomenal for everything. | ||
| Dude, I crave it so bad. | ||
| When I'm on the road and I come home, sometimes I'll get home at night and everyone's asleep, I'll just fire up the fucking sauna. | ||
| That's so great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the dream. | ||
| My dad has one in his basement, and it's just like, they all go to sleep. | ||
| It's the best thing to have right there. | ||
| You sleep so well. | ||
| It makes you feel so relaxed when you're done. | ||
| And with the combination of that and the cold plunge, so when I get home, I get in the sauna, I got a Seleuze sauna, and then I got that Morosco Forge at home, and we have the Blue Cube here, which is pretty dope, too. | ||
| The Blue Cube cold plunge, the water circulates, so it's like you're in a fucking river. | ||
| It's like, yeah! | ||
| You never get a thermal layer around your skin, so you're never comfortable. | ||
| When you get out of that fucking thing after three minutes, you're like, ah. | ||
| The weight of the world is gone. | ||
| Did you ever see the video I did where I had my whoop on, and I did my heart rate in the sauna, and then I went right into the polar plunge, and it went from 145 to 65 in like three minutes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| See if you can find it. | ||
| It's sped up, so you can see it, but my whoop, I fucking... | ||
| I can't tell if I slept good unless I look at my fucking recovery next morning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that strap? | |
| It's a fancy strap. | ||
| What is it, like a tie-dye? | ||
| No, it's camo. | ||
| Do you have different recovery since you stopped drinking? | ||
| Oh, well, my recovery on tequila is better than my recovery without alcohol. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Look at this, so 141, right? | ||
| 140, and then I just get in the sauna, you'll see it. | ||
| Who did this video for you? | ||
| I did. | ||
| How do they do that? | ||
| You can go on Whoop. | ||
| They have a video thing. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Where you can record yourself. | ||
| I do it every time I go in the sauna. | ||
| I record my heart rate dropping. | ||
| And so you go right in and look at... | ||
| I gotta keep my hand out so my Whoop monitors it. | ||
| Is this next to your old place? | ||
| That's my new house. | ||
| If you put your hand under, the Whoop won't monitor it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Wow, that's quick. | ||
| Oh yeah, you gotta take out a shower. | ||
| It's dropping your heart down. | ||
| In two minutes, I'm already in the 70s. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| It's just 66 in three minutes. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| And then back up a little. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What temperature do you keep your cold plunge at? | ||
| Your dick looks so small in that. | ||
| Yeah, dick does not look the same size. | ||
| Can we back that up and see the dick? | ||
| Can we zoom in? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that cold plunge. | |
| Yeah, cold plungees are the best. | ||
| They're just not priced right. | ||
| In my opinion. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Price right? | ||
| For the average person listening, they're going, oh, I should get one. | ||
| And then you go and you're like, oh, it's $12,000. | ||
| Yeah, it should be like $800. | ||
| Some of them are more. | ||
| The really good ones are even more. | ||
| Are they really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I got one sent to me by Cold Plunge, I think the name of the company. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| They're expensive. | ||
| But you can always just get water and ice. | ||
| You know, you just fill a tub up with cold water and go to the fucking, you know... | ||
| The old football ones with just a metal tin. | ||
| Gets pricey. | ||
| Gets pricey. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| Ice? | ||
| That's how I used to do it, was with a bathtub. | ||
| And how we do it on the road, we travel with a bathtub. | ||
| You can get ice out of venues cheap, but no one's performing in fucking venues that have ice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's about $300 for... | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| I used to go to North Hollywood Ice. | ||
| It's $300 for 300 pounds of ice, and you need definitely like 100 pounds of ice to be able to do a cold plunge in. | ||
| So you gotta play a bunch each time. | ||
| So then you think about if you use it for a year, you're really better off getting a real cold plunge. | ||
| That's why they're priced the way they are. | ||
| Well, it's complicated. | ||
| The Morosco develops actual ice. | ||
| I climb in it, and I'm pushing ice away to get in there. | ||
| But you do 34 degrees? | ||
| 34. You're fucking out of your mind. | ||
| I'm 42. Yeah. | ||
| I do 42. It's very doable. | ||
| I do four minutes and do some box breathing in there. | ||
| I don't think you notice the difference between 40 and 30. Really? | ||
| It's just cold as fuck. | ||
| I notice the difference because I got mine. | ||
| I can tell the difference in the 30s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I got mine at 50. I started at 50 just to see what it was. | ||
| And I was like, oh, this is cold. | ||
| I mean, if you're going from nothing to 50, you're like, it's cold as fuck to get into 50 degrees. | ||
| And then I started lowering it. | ||
| And I felt like within days, I could notice the difference going to like 46 felt so much colder than 50. And it was only four degrees. | ||
| My daughter's friends were over the house. | ||
| And I told them I'd give them $1,000 if they could do a minute in it. | ||
| I gave three kids $1,000. | ||
| Really? | ||
| 12-year-olds. | ||
| And the parents were like, what the fuck? | ||
| I'm like, they earned it. | ||
| They earned it. | ||
| I just wanted to show them that they could do it. | ||
| And were they fucking losing their minds, or they were pretty concerned? | ||
| And they got out, woo! | ||
| And they're fucking flexing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Slay! | |
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Dude, I met a guy at the schvitz who's a fan of yours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was fun! | |
| That's great! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was fun! | |
| I took $300 in a plastic bag and put a rock in it at a party, and I threw it in the pool. | ||
| And I go, who wasn't? | ||
|
unidentified
|
One of Georgia's friends fully closed dives in the pool! | |
| Why not? | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking awesome! | |
| But these kids were so pumped, and their parents were like, are you serious? | ||
| Like, yeah, look, it's like, for them to do, it's a hard thing to do. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And I'm showing them, if you can do this very difficult thing, a minute and a cold plunge when you're fucking... | ||
| It's very hard. | ||
| 30 seconds is like enough. | ||
| You're 90 pounds, and you're 12 years old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sure. | ||
| Were their parents like, hey, Joe, can I get a grand to find something? | ||
| Probably were, but they probably didn't want to say it. | ||
| You know, that's the story that will last longest with you in your life, is those kids will never fucking forget that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're just thinking about all the things. | ||
| I gave them $100 bills, too. | ||
| Chris, hundreds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God, I love that. | ||
| I love that energy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I used to do Chinese New Years. | ||
| We do a big Chinese New Years. | ||
| Our friends are Chinese. | ||
| And everyone dresses in red. | ||
| And I get, like, whatever the year is, I get that all in crisp ones. | ||
| And then I make kids gamble for it. | ||
| And I make them do shit. | ||
| It's very Chinese. | ||
| Very Chinese. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very Chinese. | |
| We play a game called Spoons, where, you know, you put five spoons on the table, six kids are playing, and you pass cards, go around, and... | ||
| And anytime anyone gets four of a kind, everyone reaches for a spoon and they fight for it. | ||
| And I'll put a hundred bucks. | ||
| I go, alright, Game of Spoons, a hundred bucks. | ||
| And you just watch kids. | ||
| A hundred bucks to a kid is a lot. | ||
| That's the fucking best. | ||
| Oliver Stone thought I was a fucking lunatic. | ||
| Why did Oliver Stone think you were a lunatic? | ||
| Did you just name drop Oliver Stone? | ||
| He was there, as Tom knows it. | ||
| He was there, and I was pretty drunk, and I was fucking shirtless, making kids fight. | ||
| And he was like, I'm such a big fan, I love The Godfather, and Stone was like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| I love The Godfather! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hammered! | |
| I love The Godfather! | ||
| Didn't you fight in Vietnam? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| He so did not feel my energy. | ||
| He's a weed smoker. | ||
| Oliver Stone. | ||
| I smoked weed with Oliver Stone. | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
| We smoked weed and talked about JFK. That is your dream conversation. | ||
| The only thing that could be better if he knows a lot about the pyramids. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| It was because, like, he's talking about the events that led up to the JFK assassination and all the cover-up and everything after the fact, and he's citing it from memory. | ||
| I mean, in-depth details of the Kennedy assassination, just right from memory. | ||
| And this is, like, around the time that the Showtime documentary on the – I don't know if you've ever seen it. | ||
| It's got a Showtime series on the JFK. I saw his series where he went to Russia. | ||
| Oh yeah, with Putin? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He went to Russia with Putin and they watched Dr. Strangelove. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| Yeah, they watched that Kubrick film. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Amazing, yeah. | ||
| And they talked about, you know, all of kind of Putin policies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With Putin? | ||
| Yeah, with him. | ||
| He said that Putin was being treated for cancer back then. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I bet they got a new treatment that no one knows about. | ||
| Well, they definitely have new treatments. | ||
| There was a treatment that was just in the news the other day where they get... | ||
| What was it? | ||
| It's like a version of the herpes virus. | ||
| Google this. | ||
| There's like a mild version of the herpes virus that they gave someone. | ||
| They injected it into them and it killed their cancer. | ||
| Shut up! | ||
| That's something I'd love to discover. | ||
| On the sly, you're like, you know, no one that has herpes has never gotten cancer. | ||
| Joe List doesn't have cancer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
| Yeah, Jamie, there it is. | ||
| A man's cancer vanished after he was injected with a weakened herpes virus in promising clinical trial. | ||
| Imagine that, like guys with herpes would just be lining up to bang chicks with breast cancer. | ||
| I can live, but I can only fuck sluts. | ||
| How great would it be to have to go catch herpes to cure your cancer? | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| Imagine if you're a woman and you have ovarian cancer, and they're like, I got good news and bad news. | ||
| The bad news is you got ovarian cancer. | ||
| The good news is my cousin has herpes, and he's willing to cure you. | ||
| The only way, but you've got to get it all the way up in there, so he's got to shoot a live one down the hatch. | ||
| He's going to have to be there a few times. | ||
| So we're going to have to plan it with your ovulation to make sure that you're not getting his pregnant, his baby. | ||
| Pretty wild, though. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Yeah, but that's one of the cool things is like, you know, they find things out sometimes accidentally. | ||
| You always wonder, too, what the most powerful people have access to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then something will happen, like Paul Allen, you know, the Microsoft co-founder? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He died. | ||
| Well, he was really unhealthy and didn't exercise at all. | ||
| At all. | ||
| But he just got, I think, non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, or whatever, some cancer, and then he just declined and died. | ||
| He was very obese. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he also, just because you're wealthy doesn't mean you get after it. | ||
| Like, try to chase down what's wrong. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Because the other people in your life are like, this motherfucker dies, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Paid! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Other level paid. | ||
| Billions of dollars. | ||
| You probably wouldn't be really encouraging them to go to the oncologist. | ||
| Like, you look good. | ||
| I look like gray cardboard. | ||
| These doctors don't know what they're talking about. | ||
| You need a rest, man. | ||
| You need meditation. | ||
| All you need to do is just breathe. | ||
| Eat an apple, you're fine. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta be good. | ||
| Have some greens. | ||
| I think his sister, somebody who had nothing to do with anything, just took over his estate. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| It just happens to be his sister. | ||
| Yeah, it happens to be his sister, and now she's ballin'. | ||
| That's gotta be wild. | ||
| You didn't do anything to earn it, and then all of a sudden you have billions. | ||
| There's that great Bill Burbit about Tiger Woods' ex-wife. | ||
| He's like, you didn't stand over an eight-foot putt with a fucking green jacket on the line, having the yips, having to fucking do it. | ||
| You got half a billion? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and then he had a bit about Kobe Bryant, too. | ||
| Same kind of bit. | ||
| I made that joke last night on stage. | ||
| What? | ||
| About when I was talking about that age-appropriate lady. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| I said, those are the eyes you want to look in when you die. | ||
| Eyes that are your age. | ||
| You don't want to look at some 21-year-old girl on your deathbed. | ||
| She's like, hurry up, I have yoga class. | ||
| Licking her lips. | ||
| Yeah, ooh. | ||
| She's got the rolled-up mat under her armpit while you're dying. | ||
| On your deathbed, you will see someone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Bleak! | ||
| Bleak! | ||
| She's on her phone, swiping. | ||
| Her fucking hot yoga instructor is ready to comfort her. | ||
| Yeah, get me on some anti-aging shit. | ||
| I don't want to die. | ||
| Let's talk about Dana White. | ||
| You've got to stop drinking. | ||
| We'll get to Dana White. | ||
| But this is why... | ||
|
unidentified
|
We should tell him what Andrew Huberman told him. | |
| What did Andrew Huberman tell him? | ||
| We were on the phone with him during a podcast, and he had just posted that week about... | ||
| He'll have topics and themes for his podcast, right? | ||
| And it was just all about alcohol. | ||
| There is just clear data that is undeniable that alcohol has negative effects on you. | ||
| And it is undeniable. | ||
| And here's all the data, you know, breaking down how it affects the brain and the organs of the system. | ||
| And then he's like, well, I mean, like, what can, you know, can I drink? | ||
| And Andrew's like, well, yes. | ||
| Studies show that if you want to have one to two drinks, and he goes, a week. | ||
| A week? | ||
| Well, that's what Andrew's saying. | ||
| That would be fine. | ||
| And Burst's like, a little bit more. | ||
| There was a study recently that linked decline in cognitive function to abstinence from alcohol. | ||
| To abstinence from alcohol? | ||
| Yeah, abstinence from alcohol. | ||
| Dementia decline from alcohol is correlated with abstinence from alcohol. | ||
| See if you can find that, Jamie. | ||
| Correlated. | ||
| Yeah, no, they think that people who don't drink alcohol, I don't know if correlation doesn't equal causation, right? | ||
| But there's some sort of a connection. | ||
| I think it's a relaxation thing. | ||
| And I was talking about this with my dad last time, my stepdad. | ||
| He's actually my dad. | ||
| I should call him my dad. | ||
| He has a lot of past going into that statement. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| But we were talking about it. | ||
| He has always been a guy after work, works hard, has a drink. | ||
| Maybe two. | ||
| Just relaxes. | ||
| And I was like, I think there's something to be said for that. | ||
| I think this is something to be said for just the way it makes you feel. | ||
| Increased risk for all-cause dementia and people who abstain from alcohol. | ||
| A recent addiction journal paper, researchers performed an in-depth analysis of the alcohol-dementia relationship and determined whether certain levels of alcohol consumption increases the risk of dementia. | ||
| And so they found out that there's an increase in dementia. | ||
| Dementia generally affects the elderly and geriatric patients, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Global presence of dementia, what does it say here? | ||
| Excessive alcohol consumption in midlife can cause significant neurotoxic effects on the brain as compared to other risk factors such as high blood pressure and diabetes. | ||
| Despite these different reports, views of population-based observational studies indicate that alcohol-dementia relationship is J-shaped. | ||
| More specifically, low levels of alcohol may provide some juice. | ||
| More specifically, low levels of alcohol may provide some benefit in reducing the risk of dementia, whereas excessive alcohol consumption, BERT, likely increases the risk of dementia in a dose-dependent manner. | ||
| So I think there's something about, like, you get home, you fucking hard day at the office, have a cocktail, you're like... | ||
| That's how I do it. | ||
| I think relaxation is so goddamn important. | ||
| That's my brand. | ||
| Massage therapy. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking so good. | |
| Just enjoying life, man. | ||
| You remember I texted you when I was in Italy on vacation? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, I do. | |
| I've never seen you happier in your life. | ||
| I was drunk. | ||
| I was eating pasta. | ||
| I felt so good. | ||
| Yeah, go away from all responsibility. | ||
| With my family. | ||
| With my family, looking at the ocean. | ||
| Yeah, it was rad. | ||
| What the fuck is it about the ocean? | ||
| It's so different. | ||
| It's so relaxing. | ||
| We spent the summer at the ocean, and here we live on a lake. | ||
| There's no comparison. | ||
| Lakes are rad. | ||
| Lakes are nice, but ocean is the motherfucker. | ||
| It is a totally different thing. | ||
| I got a house once for three months when I was in Malibu. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We were getting our kitchen remodeled, and I said, let's just rent a house. | ||
| We were renting a house on the water. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| You're eating breakfast, and the water's right there. | ||
| You just stare out at it. | ||
| Those rich people aren't stupid, dude. | ||
| There's a reason why they're paying fucking $100 million for a house that's like a quarter of an acre. | ||
| The ultimate was, you know, we'd always talked about surfing, and I've always wanted to surf. | ||
| So I set a goal for myself. | ||
| I had two months off, no touring. | ||
| I said, I'm going to go to Hawaii at the end of two months. | ||
| I'm going to lose weight, get into the 240s. | ||
| And I'm going to get... | ||
| Because my hardest part is standing up on a board when you're fat. | ||
| So I lost the weight. | ||
| Flew my daughter right before she went to college. | ||
| My sister, my cameraman, and my assistant down. | ||
| We all went to Hawaii State at Turtle Bay. | ||
| Did Jamie O'Brien's surf experience. | ||
| And I surfed. | ||
| Like I surfed a fucking solid two days. | ||
| Caught probably 25 waves. | ||
| And there is a genuine, surreal connection with the Earth when you're on a board sliding down a wave. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you're moving over on the wave and you're just watching it. | ||
| It's the coolest fucking thing that I've ever done. | ||
| And then you look at these guys like... | ||
| Like, Nathan Florence and Kai Lenny and Koa Rothman, who do, they're like fucking savages, and they're going into Jaws, towed in, and you're just like... | ||
| Those guys are wild. | ||
| That's a different thing, though. | ||
| That's a different thing. | ||
| Those guys are adrenaline junkies to the extreme. | ||
| But the connection those guys have with the ocean is so primal. | ||
| I mean, you're right. | ||
| Dude, do you know what would happen every day? | ||
| Because we did the same thing. | ||
| We rented a house in Malibu. | ||
| Because the tide changes every day, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And when at low tide, sometimes low tide would be, let's say, at 8 a.m. | ||
| So you'd look out, and the water would be so far out that there would be rocks that you normally don't see, right? | ||
| And you're like, oh, wow. | ||
| You can walk... | ||
| Into the ocean because the tide's so low. | ||
| Dude, high tide made me respect and fear the ocean so much. | ||
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| Because it would come up and hit the house with such violence on some days that you would go, if I, an adult who can swim, were down here right now, most likely you would drown. | ||
| Smashed. | ||
| And you would get pulled out and die. | ||
| Yeah, that happens all the time. | ||
| I know, but when you're living there, when you're living there, you're like, holy shit. | ||
| You're seeing it every day. | ||
| You look down. | ||
| Well, you know the difference for me was at night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| During the day, the ocean is like this beautiful, inviting, wonderful thing. | ||
| At night, it's dark. | ||
| And you just realize, oh my god, that's like a fucking hundred trillion gallons of water. | ||
| Like, what the fuck is that? | ||
| The guy who discovered Hawaii, not discovered, obviously there are people there first, John Cook. | ||
| John Cook, is that his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Captain Cook. | |
| They ate him? | ||
| They ate him. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They didn't eat him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, they didn't eat him. | ||
| I just, when I was in Hawaii, I watched, I listened to the documentary. | ||
| They ate him. | ||
| I liked Ari's story better. | ||
| They killed him and ate him. | ||
| Let's go with Ari's story. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| He couldn't swim. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| He got in a boat and he couldn't swim? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How long does it take to learn to swim? | |
| That's how they got him. | ||
| I think I could learn to swim in about 10 minutes. | ||
| It's not like doing jujitsu. | ||
| It's you fucking do this. | ||
| I think it's so built up in your head that by the time you get in there, it's panic. | ||
| Yeah, but you could laugh. | ||
| You live on a boat. | ||
| How do you not learn how to swim? | ||
| He never learned how to swim. | ||
| That's how they got him. | ||
| He went in and he tried to escape, get to the water, and he just had to stop at the water because he's like, I don't know what to do in there. | ||
| He fucking traveled the world, discovered the Sandwich Islands and all of Hawaii. | ||
| They're called the Sandwich Islands? | ||
| In Italy, they're called the Sangwich Islands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| What a fucking weird thing to not know how to do. | ||
| I can understand if you don't grow up near a pool and you never learn. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you're a boat captain, it's ridiculous. | |
| There's a lot of comics that don't know how to swim. | ||
| Who? | ||
| I'm not gonna say his name. | ||
| Say his name. | ||
| No, it's not cool. | ||
| Call them out. | ||
| Well, just spell it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
S-E-B-A. Maniscalco? | |
| He doesn't know how to swim? | ||
| Oh, I could teach him. | ||
| Isn't he embarrassed? | ||
| Why aren't you embarrassed? | ||
| I'm sorry, Sebastian. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| It's one of my favorite bits. | ||
| I watched him talk about it on stage. | ||
| About how he can't swim? | ||
| Crying, laughing. | ||
| He talked about it on stage, how he can't swim, and you won't say it. | ||
| But it's his bit. | ||
| I don't want to fuck with his bit. | ||
| But that's not fucking with his bit. | ||
| I went backstage, and I was like, that's fucking hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's like, eh? | |
| And I go, you really can't swim? | ||
| And he goes, no. | ||
| He goes, no, not everyone can swim. | ||
| I go... | ||
| He's got a pool. | ||
| I go, everyone can swim? | ||
| What? | ||
| He's got a pool. | ||
| What, did he put the floaties in his arm? | ||
| No, he was taking swimming lessons, and it was hilarious that you're a grown man. | ||
| So, if he took swimming lessons, now he knows how to swim. | ||
| No. | ||
| Fuck out of here. | ||
| He failed his lessons? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He had to keep fishing him out? | ||
| He did it on stage and I was crying laughing. | ||
| It's kind of humiliating to be an adult. | ||
| He has a kid. | ||
| You know what's really amazing? | ||
| When you kick and swim better than you? | ||
| I had a dog, my Mastiff, he never learned how to swim. | ||
| He just was not interested in swimming. | ||
| I'd pick him up, I'd take him in the water, and you'd just swim right back to the stairs. | ||
| I'm like, come on, Johnny, let's go. | ||
| Let's try, yeah. | ||
| Marshall, the golden retriever, it's like in his DNA. When he was a puppy, when he was a puppy, we were in the pool, and he's like, fuck yeah, woo! | ||
| Some kids take to it quick. | ||
| My oldest took to it real quick. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, he swims like a fucking lunatic now. | ||
| I think if they just do it early, it's fun. | ||
| You gotta do it early. | ||
| You gotta get your dog in the pool right away. | ||
| Does Marshall dive down? | ||
| Oh yeah, he doesn't. | ||
| Dives? | ||
| He would. | ||
| I mean, if the ball's underwater, he'll go underwater. | ||
| That's a water dog, though. | ||
| He's a golden retriever. | ||
| Mastiffs are not our old Mastiff, Priscilla. | ||
| The funniest fucking look on her face one time, she fell into the pool. | ||
| We didn't know she fell into the pool. | ||
| She fell into the pool, she got herself out of the pool, and I saw this look in her face. | ||
| She's by the pool, and you could see it in her eyes like, I just witnessed death, but I didn't figure it out. | ||
| And I was like, wait! | ||
| Why are you soaking wet? | ||
| Why are you soaking wet? | ||
| And she's looking at me like, I almost just died! | ||
| No one was gonna fucking save me! | ||
| Oh my god, the poor dog. | ||
| Dude, I get bandit when we just have the look of like, I'm gonna put her in the pool. | ||
| Like, she'll be fine by the pool, and you look at her, she knows the look, and she's like, get the fuck away from me! | ||
| And then she just starts running away. | ||
| She knows what we're gonna do. | ||
| Was she a rescue? | ||
| Yeah, but as a baby. | ||
| And you just never got her into a pool? | ||
| We tried, and then she just wasn't interested. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta make it fun. | ||
| You gotta make it fun. | ||
| But Marshall, I didn't have to do anything. | ||
| It's in his DNA. It's in his DNA, which is really wild. | ||
| He's got webbed feet, Joe. | ||
| Yeah, no, he does. | ||
| Another thing that's really wild is the retriever aspect. | ||
| I didn't teach that dog at all to bring a ball back. | ||
| He just brings it back. | ||
| Like, the first time I ever threw a ball to him, he picks it up and he brings it back. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Knew how to fetch. | ||
| Instantly. | ||
| He doesn't know how to let it go, but he brings it back. | ||
| Like, the other day, I came home, I let him outside, and then I left the door open and went to the bathroom. | ||
| I took a leak. | ||
| I came out of the bathroom, and he's got a squirrel in his mouth. | ||
| No! | ||
| Yeah, he killed a squirrel. | ||
| And he's just sitting there. | ||
| He caught a squirrel? | ||
| Instantly. | ||
| Proud, showing it off to you. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| But he came to me to retrieve and bring a squirrel. | ||
| Whatever they did to breed those dogs, it's encoded in their memory. | ||
| It's encoded in their DNA. It's really wild. | ||
| You know, and it's also, those dogs, like Goldens, they are the nicest dogs. | ||
| Oh, I like your dog a lot. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He's such a sweetie to everybody. | ||
| Everybody who comes over to my house, like, you're my best friend! | ||
| Like, new people that he just meets. | ||
| He starts whining. | ||
| He picks up a toy. | ||
| He always has to bring a toy to you. | ||
| And show, like, he brings something because, like, those dogs were rewarded for bringing back, like, birds. | ||
| Like, you'd shoot a bird. | ||
| They'd grab the bird, bring it back to you. | ||
| They'd retrieve it. | ||
| And he just will bring something to you immediately. | ||
| It's funny when you see what they're... | ||
| They're very gentle mouths, too. | ||
| Oh, they're so gentle. | ||
| What they're bred for, because we had Brussels Griffons, and they're bred for rat chasers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| So when they see rodents, squirrels, and stuff, they'll be like... | ||
| And then they're like... | ||
| You'll see them freak the fuck out. | ||
| Have you ever seen that documentary, Rats, on Netflix? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's about New York. | ||
| Jack Russell Terriers. | ||
| Well, it's about a lot of cities, and it's also about the countryside. | ||
| Jack Russell Terriers were actually designed or bred for killing rats. | ||
| They're really aggressive with rats, and they fucking tear them apart. | ||
| And in this documentary, they use them to get rats. | ||
| And so they let these dogs loose, and they find rats in this countryside. | ||
| Yeah, there's a service. | ||
| Tear them apart. | ||
| There's a service you can get to go if you have a backyard in New York where you just have these terriers just piss all over your yard. | ||
| Hunt some rats piss and the rat's like, that's not a safe yard. | ||
| Get out of there. | ||
| They're smart as shit, man. | ||
| In that documentary, here they are. | ||
| There's those little dogs. | ||
| So these guys, they're digging holes to try to find these rats. | ||
| Because, like, there's these rat little, you know, dens and shit, and these dogs find them, and they're the cutest little dogs, man, but not to rats. | ||
| Oh, nice! | ||
| Murder it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Murder it! | |
| Oh, they do? | ||
| They kill it? | ||
| Yeah, oh, they rip it to pieces, man. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| I mean, it's just fucking wild. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That little one's like, give me some! | ||
| But meanwhile, these rats have fucking diseases, so your dog is swallowing the plague. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Not on the countryside, though. | ||
| Yeah, not out there. | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| So what do they get in the plague? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit! | |
| The guts! | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| What do they get in the diseases from? | ||
| Like, our garbage? | ||
| Our sewers? | ||
| Like, where are they getting all their diseases? | ||
| Well, they'll live in... | ||
| It must be sewage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because they live in... | ||
| They'll run around all the sewage. | ||
| You know about... | ||
| Is it a king rat? | ||
| Oh, Rat King. | ||
| The tails get tied up. | ||
| Yeah, they get knotted up together somehow. | ||
| And they can't move. | ||
| And they die. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It gets into a knot. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Rat King. | ||
| I thought that was Theo. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| It is Theo, but that's his nickname. | ||
| But that's a real thing. | ||
| They get tangled up together and they die. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| I don't understand why they get that tangled. | ||
| Have you seen banana rats? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's a banana rat. | ||
| I saw that in Cuba. | ||
| They have an infestation of banana rats. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Well, they're enormous. | ||
| They look like dogs. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| They would swim out the sea and people would rescue them thinking they're dogs. | ||
| You're on the island, because we were doing Guantanamo Bay. | ||
| Torturing people. | ||
| What are you doing out there? | ||
| As it shows. | ||
| Working for Al-Qaeda. | ||
| Oh my god, look at the size of that thing! | ||
| They're everywhere. | ||
| Holy, that's like a copy bar or something. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| And they're like, there's a- Look at his feet! | ||
| Look at the size of that thing, dude! | ||
| They pay a dude, a couple people, just to go around at night with a.22, and they're like, just shoot as many as you can, because you can't keep them down. | ||
| Did you ever see- When Attell had that show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was this show called? | ||
| Insomniac. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They hunted nutrias? | ||
| Nutrias! | ||
| Same idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In New Orleans, right? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Same idea. | ||
| Nutria is an invasive species that, I forget where it came from, but they got over in America on ships or something like that, and now they're everywhere. | ||
| I've never screamed higher pitch in my life than when we pulled up to do a gig in Guantanamo Bay. | ||
| And the guy driving the van, he's like a naval base, you know, pulls up and the lights are on. | ||
| It's night. | ||
| And he's like, oh, there's a banana rat right there. | ||
| You guys want to see it? | ||
| Like, they're not aggressive or anything. | ||
| They're just feeding on the grass. | ||
| And we're like, yeah. | ||
| So he leaves the lights on from the van. | ||
| And we all start walking closer and closer, taking our time step by step. | ||
| And then we're like a few feet away and we kind of bend down. | ||
| And one of the guys takes his fingers and goes like this up my back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've never screamed higher in my life. | |
| Terrified. | ||
| It scared the shit out of me. | ||
| They look like dogs, dude. | ||
| Nutris are huge. | ||
| And Nutris, people eat them. | ||
| Apparently they're delicious. | ||
| That would be fun to have you in your backyard just with a.22 just at night. | ||
| I shot a rat one time with my BB gun at our old house. | ||
| I didn't feel so good about it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I felt really shitty. | ||
| It was a rat, though? | ||
| It was crawling up on the wire, and I had my BB gun. | ||
| I was like, I wonder if I can get this. | ||
| How old were you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was 40. It was a recent show. | |
| It doesn't feel great to kill an animal. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Killing rats feels good. | ||
| Yeah, here's Attell's. | ||
| This is Insomniac. | ||
| Look, these things are fucking giant. | ||
| Look how young he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the same thing, yeah. | |
| So they were killing them to try to diminish the population, but in a lot of the country, people eat them. | ||
| See if you can find Nutria cooking, because apparently they taste good. | ||
| See how much gas it cost back then. | ||
| They take them, it was probably 30 cents. | ||
| Your brain is so fucked up. | ||
| California is so fucked up now with gas. | ||
| My friend took a photo of a pump near San Francisco. | ||
| We're talking about how your dog wants to dive and wants to retrieve, and Ari's looking at gas prices. | ||
| When Ari was doing really well when Ari was not that you're not doing really well now But like when he started doing really well and had a Comedy Central show and he's killing like dude get a fucking BMW Yeah, get yourself a nice three series just something that feels good to drive like it's too expensive Why would I do that? | ||
| What's the what's the point? | ||
| It's just extra expense then I'm tied to that I went up and down too much You're on the borderline of getting a day job. | ||
| It's like, I'm glad I didn't spend that money. | ||
| That's ingrained in, I think, guys, me and you, maybe not Tom as much, but I've always had a problem spending money. | ||
| Because I go, it goes away. | ||
| You say that and you just keep buying houses? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You own like five houses? | ||
| I don't buy something. | ||
| Leanne buys something. | ||
| Oh, Leanne buys. | ||
| I don't fucking buy anything. | ||
| I had a hard time buying this watch. | ||
| You remember me? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of my favorite stories. | ||
| I go to this great watch dealer in Vegas. | ||
| You know her, I think. | ||
| You think you bought a watch from her. | ||
| Chappelle buys watches from her. | ||
| It's how you get the green light is that you know the person, and then they go, I bring out the inventory. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I look at it, this watch, and she tells me. | ||
| Is that Rolex? | ||
| Rolex. | ||
| It's a Submariner. | ||
| Ten grand. | ||
| I've heard of that brand. | ||
| And she goes, and I just can't pull myself to pull the trigger. | ||
| Ari's never had a watch either. | ||
| He doesn't wear a nice watch. | ||
| Russell tried to give me a $10,000 watch. | ||
| I was like, don't. | ||
| And he's like, no, you need a watch. | ||
| Dude, stop. | ||
| You wouldn't wear a nice watch, like a good... | ||
| I don't want it on my... | ||
| No? | ||
| Put yours on his wrist and let him enjoy it. | ||
| Well, okay. | ||
| So I'm sitting there, Ari. | ||
| My arms are sore. | ||
| This is the one that's comfortable to because it's on a silicone strap. | ||
| That's my everyday walk-around watch. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| So I'm sitting at the lady. | ||
| I'm having a hard time doing it. | ||
| I text Tom a picture of the watch. | ||
| He can barely use his arms. | ||
| Look at this guy. | ||
| I can't believe it. | ||
| You should have seen him in the green room last night doing girl sit-ups. | ||
| Girl chin-ups. | ||
| Push-ups, rather, from his knees. | ||
| How many could you do in a row right now, Ari? | ||
| Real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Three max. | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
| Oh, his arms are gone. | ||
| His arms are destroyed. | ||
| You've got to realize, like, we have all been working out during this time. | ||
| Ari doesn't work out at all. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| It looks good on you, Ari. | ||
| It does look good. | ||
| That looks good. | ||
| Don't you find out it kind of shifts up? | ||
| No, because you make it tighter, Stu. | ||
| Make it tighter. | ||
| If you want a watch, I will get you a watch. | ||
| Why was the stupid in there? | ||
| Tell me. | ||
| Joe, Joe, Joe, can I just greenlight it? | ||
| I would love to get you a watch. | ||
| Please get him a watch. | ||
| I'll get you a watch. | ||
| It's so much fun to wear. | ||
| I'll get you a nice Omega Aqua Terra. | ||
| It's a nice, kind of subtle, not too flashy, but a really well-made watch. | ||
| Fuck that white gold sky-dweller. | ||
| Why's my wrist look high-dweller? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no, no, no. | |
| Fucking bling him out. | ||
| You'll make him be the whore he wants to be. | ||
| You'll get me murdered in New York. | ||
| Yeah, I want to get him something that's under the radar, but it's a nice, really well-made automatic watch. | ||
| This makes my wrist look daintier. | ||
| No, it doesn't. | ||
| No, you actually look like a grown-up all of a sudden. | ||
| Yeah, it looks good. | ||
| It looks good on you. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Do you want it? | ||
| No, dude. | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, here we go. | ||
| Diamond Rolex. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| I'd wear that. | ||
| BALLING! Letting bitches know! | ||
| Right when your special comes out. | ||
| That's what you do. | ||
| Guys, I'm killing it with my special. | ||
| Put it out there. | ||
| It's only nine grand. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| It's doable. | ||
| What if you do, get one with like a Star of David on the dial. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Chew it up. | ||
| For the promo style? | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| If I got you a watch, would you wear it? | ||
| I'm just not a watch wearer. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| You're a watch wearer when you wear a watch. | ||
| You're a swimmer when you get in the pool. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Joe wasn't a watch guy. | ||
| Early on, old school Joe Rogan was not a watch guy. | ||
| I remember him saying, like, I'm not buying fucking fancy watches. | ||
| I got this G-Shock. | ||
| I wear this. | ||
| I love G-Shocks. | ||
| Oh, is that a Jewish watch? | ||
| I think that's Arabic letters. | ||
| That's Arabic letters. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| That's a fucking beautiful watch. | ||
| But I'm not into diamonds, man. | ||
| I was at a jewelry store once, and this guy was explaining to me how they make diamonds now, like, artificially. | ||
| And he was like, yeah, but it's a real problem. | ||
| I go, why is it a real problem? | ||
| And he was coming at it from a diamond seller's perspective. | ||
| He's like, well, you know, I go, is it a real diamond? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it's... | ||
| It's not legit because it doesn't come from the ground. | ||
| Is it a fucking diamond? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it a diamond or not? | |
| Yeah, but people get upset if they find out that it's artificial. | ||
| But it's an actual diamond. | ||
| If you make an actual diamond with a machine, why do you give a fuck if it came from the ground? | ||
| I would actually want it more if it came from technology. | ||
| I think that's kind of cool. | ||
| And it's real. | ||
| I want a blood diamond. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| It's not like a cubic zirconium. | ||
| I want someone with one hand missing delivering it to me. | ||
| I want a testimonial from the fucking orphan children. | ||
| But women do not want that fucking man-made diamond. | ||
| They want that one that is hard to get. | ||
| The one that's hard to get that came from fucking the middle of Africa. | ||
| So it's not just about the beauty. | ||
| That's a fucking nice watch. | ||
| That's an Omega with a little earth in the center of it. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Which model is that? | ||
| Seamaster. | ||
| That's fucking beautiful. | ||
| That's a good looking watch, Ari. | ||
| That's a fucking gentleman's watch. | ||
| That's an Acutera. | ||
| $47,000. | ||
| That's a little pricey. | ||
| That's a fucking beautiful watch, though. | ||
| Look at that goddamn thing. | ||
| That's $47,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't it crazy? | |
| It's because of the complications, though, for sure. | ||
| Is that one of those self-winders? | ||
| Well, I think it's got a... | ||
| What is the complication on that? | ||
| Well, it probably looks like it's... | ||
| If you go back to the dial, I'm sure it has, like, the first picture. | ||
| Only 87. Yeah. | ||
| Oh, it's a limited number. | ||
| I'm going to tell you the one R1s. | ||
| Make more, stupid. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Limited number of them. | ||
| What's the one that Rolex made for Pan Am? | ||
| Rolex made a steel watch for Pan Am that, for a comedian, is the best watch and affordable. | ||
| Its dial up here is GMT. And its dial up here is so that when you go on the road, you can change it and it'll tell you the time of where you are, but you can keep it on New York time. | ||
| Oh, you do the math. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| I have no fucking idea. | ||
| It's three hours later. | ||
| I'm in New York. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, that is a problem. | ||
| This is the one you want, Ari. | ||
| This is a beautiful watch. | ||
| That, you'll get robbed. | ||
| You'll get robbed. | ||
| Shut the fuck up, Ari. | ||
| Of course he'll rob you. | ||
| That's a goddamn Rolex. | ||
| If you have something that's under the radar, then you'll probably be alright. | ||
| It's a hot watch, though. | ||
| It's a hot watch. | ||
| You want something that doesn't look blingy. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want to turn people off with looking at your wrist. | ||
| You don't want it to be blingy. | ||
| Bert, you perform far away from people. | ||
| I perform right up on people. | ||
| They'll see it. | ||
| Yeah, if you're like right in the front row and some guy's wearing a $50,000 watch, that's a little distracting. | ||
| You're looking at my arm the whole time. | ||
| But you always say you have trouble spending money, and I don't believe it. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Let me tell you. | ||
| This is my favorite story. | ||
| Yeah, that's another bullshit. | ||
| So I sent Tom a text at this Rolex place in Vegas. | ||
| Story checks out. | ||
| And I text, and I say, a picture of the watch. | ||
| And he goes, are you getting it? | ||
| And I said, I don't think so. | ||
| I have trouble spending money. | ||
| I have a trouble spending money. | ||
| I leave the place. | ||
| I said the guy from a Rolex store. | ||
| I leave the place. | ||
| Well, I like looking at him, so I leave the place. | ||
| It must be fun for the dealer. | ||
| Tom sends me a very heartfelt text. | ||
| Hey, man, you're busting your ass on the road. | ||
| You work nonstop. | ||
| You're gone two weeks at a time. | ||
| You have two podcasts. | ||
| It goes on in this really heartfelt text. | ||
| You deserve to treat yourself every now and then. | ||
| This is an affordable treat. | ||
| Do it for yourself. | ||
| And so I go back. | ||
| I buy the watch. | ||
| Next day, I'm sitting and having coffee, looking at the watch going, God damn it, I love this fucking watch. | ||
| I really love looking at it. | ||
| It cheers me up. | ||
| And I call Tom. | ||
| I said, hey man, I appreciate you sending me that message. | ||
| Leanne tried to convince me, and I wouldn't do it, but your message meant so much to me. | ||
| He's like, oh cool. | ||
| I go, what are you doing? | ||
| He goes, well, you know... | ||
| I sent you that message and I realized that shit applies to me too. | ||
| I'm in a Rolex store. | ||
| I'm buying a new Rolex. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He bought a new Rolex the next day! | |
| Tommy's my favorite guy to call about cars. | ||
| Because Tommy and me have the same love of cars. | ||
| We go off. | ||
| We go off and buy cars. | ||
| I remember when he just bought the Porsche, the blue one, and then you got another one. | ||
| People were like, what? | ||
| What are you driving around? | ||
| I don't know the name of it. | ||
| It's a Mercedes, but I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do you not know? | |
| Is it a big one? | ||
| The white one? | ||
| It's a big one. | ||
| The white one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a fucking great car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's an S550. | |
| So S560, sorry. | ||
| That is a great fucking car. | ||
| I rented one like about two years ago or so on the road. | ||
| Oh my god, that's a great car. | ||
| They're so well-made. | ||
| They're so well-designed. | ||
| You get something out of those cars. | ||
| There's something that there's a feel that you get when you drive them. | ||
| You're like, yeah! | ||
| I feel like a grown-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It feels good. | |
| Listen to Steely Dan, have a cigar in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Nice sound system. | ||
| They all have great audio now. | ||
| It used to be you had to buy a car and then put stereos in them. | ||
| Post-market sound system, yeah. | ||
| I always used to do that. | ||
| First thing I used to do was buy a car. | ||
| I'd bring it to my guy. | ||
| Now they're unreal. | ||
| Yeah, now the stereos are incredible. | ||
| They're in the car. | ||
| It's like, fuck, man. | ||
| Yeah, car things are real. | ||
| You're lucky you don't have the car bug. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| That's an expensive collection. | ||
| I don't drive very often. | ||
| I always look at guys who are driving on sunset in a nice car, and I go, are you guys not partying tonight? | ||
| Oh, you're Ubering everywhere. | ||
| I Uber everywhere. | ||
| You used to have that BMW. 5 Series. | ||
| That was a nice car. | ||
| I said to Georgia, I said, Georgia, this is going to be your car. | ||
| She goes, I'm not driving a 5 Series BMW to school looking like a rich kid. | ||
| And I go, yeah, but we leased it. | ||
| We can buy it back for like $32,000. | ||
| She goes, Dad, I want a regular car like an Explorer. | ||
| I go, It's $52,000. | ||
| She goes, yeah, but I don't want to look like a rich kid. | ||
| I said, so I'm going to spend an extra $20,000 so you don't look like a fucking rich kid? | ||
| She was like, yeah. | ||
| This kid played you. | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| No, that's actually smart. | ||
| She's smart. | ||
| You have a smart daughter. | ||
| She knows the impact of it. | ||
| She knows you're rich. | ||
| She loves her car. | ||
| That 5 Series was the first car I got that I was like, Oh, this can be fun. | ||
| Yeah, but when you showed up in the S-Class, you were big ballin', dude. | ||
| I like that car. | ||
| That's a fucking great car. | ||
| The S-Class is the shit. | ||
| That is the shit. | ||
| You're in that thing, you feel like a fucking comfortable gentleman. | ||
| Chocolate interior. | ||
| Yeah, you could smoke cigars. | ||
| Driving back from the store the other night, listening to little fucking Daryl Hall and O's flying through the hills. | ||
| She's a man-eater. | ||
| Oh, here she comes. | ||
| What was the song? | ||
| I was fucking jamming out. | ||
| Dance all day's love. | ||
| Dance all day's love. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Dance all day's. | ||
| It's nice to pull out of the store and just be sober. | ||
| Oh my god, my favorite thing was coming down Laurel, and I'd be listening to some fucking jamming Rage Against the Machine, headed to the store. | ||
| Wang Chung. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh, it's Wang Chung. | ||
| It's Wang Chung. | ||
| I didn't have my glasses on. | ||
| Well, it's a white guy. | ||
| I thought it was Daryl Hall. | ||
| Same guy. | ||
| It looks about the same. | ||
| Good mullet. | ||
| That's a great song, too, though. | ||
| Driving to the store is fun. | ||
| On Laurel, you go fast, that's a fun drive. | ||
| It's also like you're on your way to the fucking promised land. | ||
| For us, as comics, the comedy store was mecca. | ||
| I remember being an open miker. | ||
| An open miker. | ||
| And I always knew that I had to get to the comedy store. | ||
| I'm like, if I'm going to be a comic, I have to get to the comedy store. | ||
| When Mitzi passed me as a paid regular, it was one of the best days of my life. | ||
| I remember that day. | ||
| I'm a real comic. | ||
| I can't believe I'm passed at the comedy store. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| That place, it was just not a comedy club, man. | ||
| Did she tell you or did they call you the next day? | ||
| She told me. | ||
| You're really funny. | ||
| You're a paid regular now. | ||
| I was like, holy shit. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I was on a TV show. | ||
| I didn't give a fuck about that show. | ||
| I was 42 and I had TV shows, a successful touring comic. | ||
| I got passed at the store. | ||
| I didn't tell anyone. | ||
| I didn't say a word to anyone. | ||
| It was a big deal for me. | ||
| I was really nervous. | ||
| I got bumped by Louie. | ||
| I got bumped by Tosh. | ||
| I got bumped by Judd Apatow for my one paid regular spot. | ||
| It's midnight, and I get off stage, and I said this last night when I brought him on stage. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe pulls me aside, and he goes, I always have a soft spot in my heart for that guy. | ||
| He goes, hey, congratulations. | ||
| I said, what? | ||
| And he goes, first paid regular spot. | ||
| He's like, let's go do a shot together. | ||
| No one knew. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| And I went outside, and he was like, it's a big deal. | ||
| It's a big fucking deal. | ||
| I did a toast, I did a thing, and I was like, fuck yeah, thank you, Tony. | ||
| I had a career, but it meant so much to me. | ||
| There's two things that I remember from the store that were like landmark moments. | ||
| One was becoming a paid regular, and two, Paul Mooney told me I was funny. | ||
| Wow, that's pretty cool. | ||
| Paul Mooney told you you were funny? | ||
| Paul Mooney. | ||
| Paul Mooney never said to anybody. | ||
| And Paul Mooney did not like me when I first got there. | ||
| I was this cute little fucking dummy. | ||
| You're funny. | ||
| I was just like, you know, I was like, okay, but one night he saw me, it was like 14 people in the crowd. | ||
| And I went up and I did my act hard. | ||
| I did the full thing. | ||
| And he was in the back of the room. | ||
| I don't remember what bit it was, but I remember he shook my hand, he put his hand on my shoulder, he goes, you're a funny motherfucker. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| I had to leave. | ||
| I had to go out in the hallway. | ||
| I was like, whoa. | ||
| Try to be cool. | ||
| Try to be like, oh, cool. | ||
| Thanks, man. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I was tingling. | ||
| Like, Paul Mooney, people don't know how goddamn good Paul Mooney was. | ||
| He had power. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He would write, too. | ||
| When shit would go down, something would happen, and he would have like 10 minutes of it that night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, there was the Spirit Airline. | ||
| Well, it wasn't Spirit. | ||
| It was like one of them budget airlines that crashed in Florida, and he had this bit about these poor people clutching onto their purse while alligators were eating them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was like the day after the crash! | |
| And then he was like, that's right, motherfucker, I write. | ||
| I write. | ||
| Patrice pulled me aside one night in New York, and we were at Caroline's. | ||
| We did some show, so we go to Edinburgh. | ||
| And everyone starts leaving, and he grabs me and goes, don't leave. | ||
| I said, why? | ||
| He goes, Paul Mooney, this is a gift, because I didn't know who Paul Mooney was. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| White people didn't know who he was. | ||
| Paul Mooney's here. | ||
| And I go, who the fuck's that? | ||
| And he goes, you're sitting. | ||
| You're watching him. | ||
| So I ordered a beer, and I sat down, and I go, I was like, it's getting late, Patrice. | ||
| And he goes, shut up, motherfucker. | ||
| Look who's behind you. | ||
| And I turn around, and it's Eddie Murphy. | ||
| And he goes, if Eddie Murphy's coming to watch him, we're staying. | ||
| And me and Patrice watched Paul Mooney and Paul Mooney had a bottle of champagne on stage, drank the whole fucking thing. | ||
| Yeah, those little bottles he would have. | ||
| He would drink them and he would make a joke and then like hold the bottle up with two fingers. | ||
| And you'd hear Eddie Murphy, whatever his laugh is. | ||
| Dude, your impressions are on point here. | ||
| Say it at this and I'll bang it out. | ||
| Do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go, go, go. | |
| Taiwanese. | ||
| Hello! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nailed it. | |
| Pretty good, pretty good. | ||
| I do it all day. | ||
| I do it all day. | ||
| Give me a comedian. | ||
| I'll do an impression of him. | ||
| I'll never forget being in the main room. | ||
| Being in the main room one night and I called you up and you were on a motorcycle in Vietnam. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| And I was like, you gotta quit that show. | ||
| That was a good bit. | ||
| I should do that. | ||
| That was a good story. | ||
| Because he called and I was like, he's like, what are you doing? | ||
| I was drunk. | ||
| I'm high. | ||
| I'm running through motorcycles through rice paddies in Vietnam. | ||
| And he was like, you are the fucking machine. | ||
| You got to fucking get away from this Travel Channel shit. | ||
| Be a comic. | ||
| Do this. | ||
| Fucking write. | ||
| If you don't talk about this on stage, you're wasting your life. | ||
| Fuck this. | ||
| He was like, this is who you are. | ||
| These experiences who you are. | ||
| And I was like, fuck yeah! | ||
| And I'm still high and drunk, hanging up with Joe, and I'm flying on the motorcycle now. | ||
| I'm like, I'm a fucking machine! | ||
| And then my wife calls, and I was like, she's like, what's up? | ||
| And I was like, well, it works so well with Joe. | ||
| I'm drunk, I'm high on a motorcycle, and I'm flying through Rice Paddy's in Vietnam. | ||
| She's like, you dumb motherfucker! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a father of two, you have high blood pressure, walk that thing home! | |
| Walk it home. | ||
| What a different way of looking at the same situation. | ||
| Can you imagine, though, being a woman, and you're waiting on this guy, and he's making a living. | ||
| You're the breadwinner of the household, and you're a wild person. | ||
| You're out there drinking. | ||
| You're on a motorcycle. | ||
| You're in another country. | ||
| He's a crazy person. | ||
| If you break your leg, they're just going to saw it off. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| Terrified. | ||
| I mean, imagine counting on someone like you, whereas a friend is like, yes! | ||
| Go for it! | ||
| But I don't, you know, I don't rely on you for money. | ||
| Like, I couldn't imagine. | ||
| That's funny, I rely on you for money. | ||
| Not anymore, you don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey guys, this weekend, Youngstown, Charlottesville, Florence, and Carlston. | |
| BertBertBert.com. | ||
| Is it BertKreiser.com now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
BertBertBert. | |
| Still BertBertBert. | ||
| Something's Burning is back. | ||
| Are you going to come do an episode of Something's Burning? | ||
| Fuck yes. | ||
| Fuck yes. | ||
| You tell me about the Eddie Bravo one. | ||
| Because Eddie Bravo is one of the funniest guys that's ever lived. | ||
| Eddie Bravo comes in and Sam doesn't drink. | ||
| And I go, you want a drink, Eddie? | ||
| And he's like... | ||
| That's a good Eddie impression, right? | ||
| And so I make him Tito's and soda, and me and him start going drink for drink, Tito's and soda, and he is on a fucking burner. | ||
| He is telling bits. | ||
| He is killing top to bottom. | ||
| At one point, I go, Eddie, you stand in front of the Lord, and you got one thing to tell him you do great. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| And he goes, I choke out motherfuckers with my legs. | ||
| He told this story. | ||
| He told a story about fucking a girl with a stinky pussy and stinky feet. | ||
| It's one of the funniest stories. | ||
| He told me that in Australia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| How funny is that story? | ||
| Mixed in colors? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He said it was blue and yellow and mixed green. | |
| And he goes, I had to get her vitamins. | ||
| I had to get her vitamins. | ||
| I was in love with this girl. | ||
| He brought out a book. | ||
| He's showing her about nutrition. | ||
| What's going on with your vagina? | ||
| He is so fucking funny. | ||
| We did. | ||
| And then, by the way, I had to do an integration for Solo Stoves. | ||
| So we had to do the episode. | ||
| And then at the end, to pay for the thing, we all go outside and do an integration. | ||
| We cook outside. | ||
| And Eddie Bravo's going off about mosquitoes. | ||
| I don't remember having itching sauce by when I was a kid. | ||
| Then we go into my house. | ||
| We're still drinking. | ||
| Isla comes down. | ||
| She goes, and I go, hey, Isla, you've always wanted to do jujitsu. | ||
| And Eddie's like, and you know, Eddie's like, you'll never get raped. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He's awful. | ||
| And then he sets her up with private lessons. | ||
| Eddie is the, I'm telling you man, he's the fucking greatest. | ||
| He let me train, when I was at my port, he let me train free for like two years. | ||
| Dude, he, man, that guy, he murdered the heart. | ||
| Him, something's murdering him. | ||
| I gotta say. | ||
| Oh him, Mark Norman, that one's blowing up. | ||
| Jeffrey's on this week. | ||
| He's on right now. | ||
| I have to say... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jeffrey? | |
| Tim Jeffries is fucking... | ||
| So many great episodes, but I'll tell you the one I'm looking forward to. | ||
| Tim Dillon and Whitney Cummings. | ||
| Oh my god, that's gonna be great. | ||
| You know how I almost pass out when I laugh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Four times. | ||
| Tim Dillon, it started very casually. | ||
| What are you making today, Bert? | ||
| And I go, well, and Whitney, you know, Tim, if you were making meals, what would you make us? | ||
| And he looks at it and he goes, Percocet pudding, Whitney. | ||
| That's his first joke, because it's got Percocets in it, which you like, and it's pudding. | ||
| He killed the hardest. | ||
| He's the best ranter. | ||
| With him, the best ranter. | ||
| He did a rant on this podcast about the decline of the American empire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I saw it. | |
| I just let him go. | ||
| You've got to let him go. | ||
| It's one of the best rants I've ever heard. | ||
| The best rant I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| I listened to it with Isla. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| We're in the car. | ||
| I'm drinking her football game. | ||
| We're listening to it. | ||
| And I look over, she's smiling, and she's nodding, and she goes, who is this guy? | ||
| I said, you've met him. | ||
| She goes, I know this guy? | ||
| I go, yeah, he's coming to the house next week. | ||
| She goes, can I meet him again? | ||
| I said, yeah. | ||
| So I'm doing the podcast with Tim, and Isla comes down. | ||
| She's like, I go, hey, Tim, give Isla some life advice. | ||
| And Tim just goes on a fucking... | ||
| She's 16. He's so fucking quick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude... | |
| All those guys, that generation, the Mark Norman, Tim Dillon. | ||
| Shane Gillis. | ||
| Have you seen the new Gillian Key special? | ||
| I haven't. | ||
| I'm sitting at Dane Cook's special with Leanne. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| It is so funny. | ||
| I bought it on the thing. | ||
| I'm sitting with Leanne and we're watching his special before Dane's special starts. | ||
| Crying laughing and the people around me are looking over my shoulder Crying fucking laughing. | ||
| He is Shane Gillis is fucking special man. | ||
| He's very very good. | ||
| He looks special. | ||
| He does look special a little bit. | ||
| He talks about that. | ||
| I know which is Have you seen the new bit he does about George Washington Museum? | ||
| Oh my god, it's a good bit It's one of those bits where after it's over. | ||
| I'm like, thank you. | ||
| He did it at the Ryman We did a this not happening at the Ryman it crushed The best was on Fully Loaded. | ||
| We took Georgia with them. | ||
| My oldest was PA, her and her friends. | ||
| And they're all pretty woke, right? | ||
| Like, they're kids. | ||
| You know, they do their pronouns when they... | ||
| You know, whatever. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they're kids, Joe. | ||
| It's LA. And so... | ||
| But they've never really seen live comedy. | ||
| So... | ||
| Shane Gillis goes on stage, and immediately I'm like, when he starts talking about Trump, I'm waiting for George to just cringe. | ||
| And I watch George and her friend, and he goes into the George Washington thing, and the black guy comes out, and he goes, get back there! | ||
| And George and her friend are like, and they're laughing. | ||
| And I go, what are you doing? | ||
| She goes... | ||
| It's just... | ||
| The way he says it, Dad, it's so funny. | ||
| And I know you're not supposed to laugh at this. | ||
| I go, baby, it's okay. | ||
| It's good to get a long laugh. | ||
| By the end, they were obsessed with Shane. | ||
| And every time Shane would go on, Shane, Attell, Big J. Big J is doing fucking... | ||
| That pronoun joke about fucking Demi Lovato. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And they're crying, laughing. | ||
| And then the whole time, they just hung out with these guys. | ||
| Last night, Shane Gillis comes up to George and her friend. | ||
| He goes, you guys sneaking beers? | ||
| And they're like, no. | ||
| He goes, don't fucking lie to me. | ||
| I'm not your dad. | ||
| She goes, no. | ||
| And this is how much they like them. | ||
| And they go, we're sneaking a couple beers. | ||
| He goes, I won't say anything. | ||
| Sit down right next to me. | ||
| Your daughter's drunk. | ||
| Dude, watching kids, like, young kids that are supposed to be woke, watch great comedy. | ||
| Because they love the release. | ||
| They don't get it. | ||
| They love the release of laughing at something wrong. | ||
| And they never get it. | ||
| And they're like, oh, we've been missing this part. | ||
| Well, you know why? | ||
| It's because there's not a lot of it out there. | ||
| They're not exposed to it enough. | ||
| You know, comedy, like, the idea that that is, like... | ||
| That it's bad to laugh at things that are obviously hilarious. | ||
| It's like that this person has bad intentions when they're saying these things. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| It's a relief. | ||
| Well, it's also like an unspoken agreement. | ||
| Yeah, we know it's bullshit. | ||
| We've come here to hear some wrong things. | ||
| We know it's fake. | ||
| It's just talking shit. | ||
| I mean, that's one of the things that infuriated me so much about people getting mad at Louie's leak set when that was all going down, where they were saying, you know... | ||
| It's a workout set. | ||
| Not always in a workout set, it's exactly what he's always done. | ||
| That was the part that was great when they were like, this guy's jumped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's gone MAGA. And you were a fan before? | |
| He hasn't changed his philosophy in life at all. | ||
| It's just funny. | ||
| He just says the things you're not supposed to say that are hilarious. | ||
| He's still so fucking funny. | ||
| Oh, we saw him here at the Creek in the Cave. | ||
| It was fucking great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was fucking great. | ||
| And he's free now. | ||
| People forget that a fucking master... | ||
| It's like... | ||
| We're living in the presence of fucking some of the greatest people of all time in our profession. | ||
| Yes, and the crop coming up now is fucking amazing. | ||
| There's so many good comics coming up now. | ||
| There's so many good comics. | ||
| When David Lucas and Tony Hinchcliffe go after each other on Kill Tony, I was a guest on Kill Tony the other day. | ||
| I couldn't breathe. | ||
| I was laughing so hard. | ||
| I was just holding my side, wheezing. | ||
| He's funny as shit. | ||
| Lucas is a bad motherfucker. | ||
| And he's so good at talking shit to Tony, and Tony's so good off the cuff. | ||
| Tony's the best host of that kind of a show that's ever existed. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| And he's been doing it so long now. | ||
| He's so polished and so sharp. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| This is such a good time for comedy, man. | ||
| That's why I'm so pumped to open up my club. | ||
| Oh, I'm so excited. | ||
| You got a date? | ||
| Well, we're in the middle of it right now. | ||
| Carrie Mitchell just sent me a photo of the new bar in the middle of the construction. | ||
| It looks fucking great. | ||
| Don't show it to me. | ||
| Don't show it to me. | ||
| My dick will get hard. | ||
| A bar? | ||
| The place looks amazing. | ||
| Yeah, it looks great. | ||
| You seen it, Bert? | ||
| I didn't come out for the first week. | ||
| That's the bar. | ||
| Oh, you're definitely coming out for the opening week, brother. | ||
| That's Carrie at the bar. | ||
| Oh, it's being built right now. | ||
| That's Missy's. | ||
| Do opening week, like, when do you know? | ||
| We don't know, but it'll probably be somewhere around January. | ||
| Give us a lot of notice. | ||
| Do it in late January. | ||
| I'm going to be in Europe all January. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'll wait. | ||
| I'll wait for you. | ||
| When are you doing Europe? | ||
| Well, we're going to have some soft openings anyway. | ||
| We're going to have some... | ||
| I think I'm going to April, too. | ||
| Maybe we'll fucking meet up somewhere. | ||
| Where are you guys going? | ||
| In April? | ||
| European tours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You doing a tour? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| The only thing I'm doing is England. | ||
| I'm going over to London. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, dude. | |
| At the middle of the month. | ||
| I took Norman and almost killed that motherfucker. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That was his first trip out there. | ||
| He goes, how do I hang with Bert? | ||
| I'm like, throw some drinks into like a planter or something. | ||
| Yeah, he said that thing about you. | ||
| He was like, we get up, we drink, and the next morning I'm like, oh, I feel like I'm shitting blood. | ||
| And then Bert's like, you want to go for a run? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, no. | |
| I want to fucking... | ||
| Well, I think that's what keeps you healthy, that keeps you balanced, is that you do exercise. | ||
| Like, you put two stressors on your body. | ||
| You put the alcohol stressor and then you jack up your metabolism and all your fucking hormones and everything for running and exercise. | ||
| It's the part that I miss in... | ||
| It's weird because I don't have the punitive voice in my head where I wake up and I go, all right, you did this to yourself. | ||
| Let's fucking go. | ||
| Let's get up. | ||
| Like this morning, my alarm went off at 6.30 and I was like, eh, I'll just keep sleeping. | ||
| I feel good. | ||
| I'll do a podcast. | ||
| I'll work out tonight. | ||
| But if I drank last night, I'd be up at 6.30 in the gym. | ||
| It would motivate you to go. | ||
| It motivates me to do a fucking workout. | ||
| That's great, man. | ||
| That's a great balance. | ||
| I wish you didn't drink as much. | ||
| That's what I was trying to tell you last night. | ||
| You just smoked more weed. | ||
| Weed doesn't have the effect on your body. | ||
| That's what I miss the most during Sober October's weed. | ||
| I don't necessarily miss the booze. | ||
| My face looks better. | ||
| I don't have the deep bags under my eyes when I don't drink. | ||
| I know it's doing something bad to me. | ||
| My brother sent me a picture of Bert and was like, oh look, his skin looks better already. | ||
| And then I was laughing at it, but I was actually being serious. | ||
| My skin looks better and I deflate. | ||
| I was telling this to Ari, the number one thing that I noticed, I deflate, my face deflates in a second. | ||
| I have had times where I've been partying so hard that my phone won't recognize my face because I just bloated. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| His phone is like, who the fuck is this? | ||
| Who's this Chinese guy? | ||
| You need a phone with a fingerprint thing. | ||
| You need to get an Android. | ||
| You know the thing that I feel like I try to tackle the most, that I struggle with the most, is sleep. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Just that, like, overall, if you go, like... | ||
| I like working out. | ||
| So if I get into a habit of working out, it's not... | ||
| I mean, the workouts can be challenging, but it's not like, man, I don't like doing this. | ||
| So you tackle that. | ||
| And then eating, that could be a challenge. | ||
| But again, if you start... | ||
| Eating salads, you're fine. | ||
| Well, just start eating a healthy habit. | ||
| You just build the habit. | ||
| The thing that is, I think, the hardest for me to master, and I try to think about it more, is just getting good sleep. | ||
| Have you ever tried one of those eight sleep mattresses that cool you off? | ||
| No. | ||
| I have one, and I haven't set it up yet, but every one that uses it says it's a fucking game changer. | ||
| Can I give you a tip? | ||
| I kind of think about it more, too. | ||
| I realized that I used to think that sleep happens to you. | ||
| So you go, like, tonight was good. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It just happens. | ||
| And sort of start thinking in terms of, like, you know, I am in charge of at least attempting to make this a good night of sleep. | ||
| Can I give you a tip? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't look at your phone for an hour and a half before you go to sleep. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| That shit that's in there does something to your eyes. | ||
| I look at my phone right before I go to sleep. | ||
| I sleep like a brick. | ||
| You're a monkey. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I listen to podcasts while I sleep. | ||
| You do? | ||
| And then have dreams that I'm fucking in history. | ||
| My wife has a hard time sleeping. | ||
| She drives her crazy and I could fall asleep on the dirt. | ||
| Yeah, I can. | ||
| I could just lay down on dirt ground. | ||
| Have you guys started the withdrawal dreams yet? | ||
| I had one last night. | ||
| Oh, my withdrawal dreams are horrific, like being chased by wolves and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, they're all violent. | ||
| All my withdrawal dreams from marijuana. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have not had any withdrawal. | |
| That's so crazy. | ||
| I think it probably reveals to me who you are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, what the fuck? | |
| They're so violent. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| All violence. | ||
| My dreams are all violent. | ||
| That's so nuts. | ||
| Last night, my dream was that Aaron Judge came in for a pinch hit home run in the last game. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| That was your dream? | ||
| I'm being chased by wolves and I'm trying to figure out if I should climb a tree. | ||
| I fought a dude because he was pissed off that I fucked up his boat. | ||
| They're all violent. | ||
| But I've been involved in violence for so long. | ||
| Yeah, you witness violence a lot. | ||
| I am so used to people getting injured. | ||
| I've told this story before, but one time my wife, we had a hatchback, and she was taking something out of the back of the trunk, and she stood up, and she didn't know that the corner of the hatchback was right there, and she cut her head, and she's bleeding, like pouring blood down her face. | ||
| And I look at her, and I'm like, it's nothing. | ||
| It's like a tiny little cut. | ||
| Like, it didn't bother me at all. | ||
| I was like, that's nothing. | ||
| Put some crazy glue on it or we can go to the doctor. | ||
| She's like, fucking crazy glue? | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| I'm like thinking about what I would do. | ||
| Like, if I look at that cut, I would go, ah, we got crazy glue. | ||
| I'll put a little crazy glue in there and squeeze it together and put a little band-aid on it. | ||
| But, like, I'm so used to seeing people injured. | ||
| She's got to know that's your love language. | ||
| I've seen a thousand people knocked unconscious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, real close. | ||
| In front. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like from three feet away. | ||
| I'm so accustomed to it. | ||
| I know you'll never write a self-help book, but I want to find the motivators that cause greatness. | ||
| I liked Cam Haynes' book because he talked about his father and his relationship with his father, his father being a runner, and how that... | ||
| And ultimately how that drives him to run because it's something he's trying to... | ||
| I can connect with broken parts of men where I can find that brokenness in me and go, oh shit. | ||
| Because I was like, oh maybe that's why I fucking run. | ||
| My dad was a runner. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| And then you start going, oh this is normal. | ||
| This is part of... | ||
| You know, I'd be curious to know, because you're a pretty weird dude with, like, motivation. | ||
| You know, like, what motivates you to work out is like, well, I think about people raping my family. | ||
| I would love to get to the base. | ||
| I don't think about people raping my family. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong? | ||
| Yeah, you do. | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| No, but you have said, like, this is birding. | ||
| He's birdifying it. | ||
| You said, like, I think about people trying to kill me. | ||
| You said that before. | ||
| Well, I definitely do if I'm getting tired. | ||
| So if I'm in the middle of a workout and I'm tired, I say, imagine if I had saved a loved one's life right now. | ||
| How would I respond? | ||
| I'd just get angry. | ||
| And I'm sure there's rape in there. | ||
| That's what I meant. | ||
| Don't think about that. | ||
| Bert puts himself in the place of the attacker. | ||
| And he goes, well, if I was there, I may as well get some rape soon. | ||
| I'm killing you. | ||
| I might as well rape you, too. | ||
| I mean, it's not like an extra charge. | ||
| I'm going to jail forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whenever you see a serial killer who doesn't rape, you're like, what the fuck are you doing, dude? | |
| Maximize your time. | ||
| Yeah, I just, I don't know. | ||
| It's so crazy if you're gonna kill not to rape. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Save one for after death. | ||
| That was the Bundy way. | ||
| It is nicer. | ||
| Most people would rape and then kill. | ||
| Bundy was like, I'm gonna kill you first. | ||
| Changing the game. | ||
| Have you guys seen the Dahmer thing on Netflix? | ||
| I've heard it's fucking great. | ||
| It's really, really well done. | ||
| There's a little bit of, you know, they obviously dramatize it to be compelling television. | ||
| How can you dramatize that story? | ||
| They dramatize the story in terms of there are things that are not factually accurate, but there's things that are factually accurate, too. | ||
| But that kid is fucking... | ||
| Evan Peters, I think, plays him. | ||
| He's phenomenal. | ||
| Yeah, and there's... | ||
| I mean, it's dark. | ||
| It's fucking... | ||
| It's really well done. | ||
| I did a commercial with the last guy. | ||
| You know, who's the fucking Arrow guy from Marvel? | ||
| Oh, Hawkeye. | ||
| Hawkeye. | ||
| Yeah, Hawkeye. | ||
| Shotgun McGee. | ||
| The guy who plays him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| Jeremy Renner. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My first commercial, he was doing one and he was like broke and he was getting sagged like, we'll give you some money to pay your rent kind of thing. | ||
| And he goes, yeah, I got a movie that hasn't come out yet, but we'll see. | ||
| And it was this independent Jeffrey Dahmer movie. | ||
| Oh, right, because he played Dahmer, too. | ||
| And then just launched him after that. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| He was one of those Jason Bourne guys in one of the movies. | ||
| He was, but that one didn't do as great. | ||
| But it was good. | ||
| Compared to the other ones? | ||
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's not to take over a franchise. | ||
| I liked him in the town. | ||
| He was a badass with Ben Fleck. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's right. | ||
| He was in the town too. | ||
| He's fucking great. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| That guy's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| How different is that look to Dahmer to the new look to Dahmer? | ||
| The new look to Domino, it really looks like Dahmer. | ||
| This guy. | ||
| That's pretty close. | ||
| Yeah, that guy's pretty close. | ||
| He does the Wisconsin accent. | ||
| I gotta say, I fucking hate Hawkeye, though. | ||
| That stupid Marvel character. | ||
| All he has is a bow and arrow. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| Everybody else is the Hulk, and they fucking can do crazy shit, and Doctor Strange can summon other universes, and this dude's just shooting shitty arrows. | ||
| I have arrows! | ||
|
unidentified
|
At aliens. | |
| There's aliens flying around in spaceships and he's shooting arrows at them. | ||
| I'm like, this is so dumb. | ||
| And he never runs out of arrows. | ||
| I can't get into any of those movies. | ||
| Infuriates me. | ||
| Oh, are you kidding me? | ||
| It's all so paced by numbers. | ||
| Anybody new comes in, they have a beef, like... | ||
| My crew, not your crew! | ||
| I mean, I've gone to see them, and you just go... | ||
| The thing is that there's... | ||
| You know the blueprint of the film. | ||
| You know the blueprint. | ||
| So I like more surprise, because, like, you know, you see the conflict coming, and then you go, this is going to have him down for a little bit. | ||
| Then the bad guy's going to, you know, look like he's going to win this thing, and then he will beat him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or even if the back guy wins, then they go, uh, we went back in time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And what's wild is that they do billions at the box office every time. | |
| I love those movies. | ||
| I love them, too. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| They're fun. | ||
| Well, I grew up reading comic books. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I like a dark one. | ||
| I like when they show the real conflict of something. | ||
| I did love The Watchmen. | ||
| Watchmen or Dark Knight. | ||
| The Dark Knight stuff. | ||
| The Dark Knight stuff was unbelievable. | ||
| With Chris Nolan stuff? | ||
| Yeah, that was great. | ||
| Those were a maze. | ||
| Those were great. | ||
| A conflicted superhero. | ||
| The problem with Batman is he's just a rich guy. | ||
| Why has he got all that stuff? | ||
| Where does he get all these powers from? | ||
| He's got none. | ||
| He's at the peak of what you can do if you train. | ||
| But it's not real. | ||
| He's Bert if he stopped drinking. | ||
| I'm Batman. | ||
| You're Batman. | ||
| You're Batman. | ||
| Maybe I'll lean in to just do like November weed. | ||
| Just weed? | ||
| Just weed in November. | ||
| I'd love to be a weed guy, but it's just not my thing. | ||
| Well, you just like to get crazy and take your shirt off. | ||
| When you took your shirt off last night on stage and the place went nuts, there was a lady in the front row that got up and started doing this. | ||
| I didn't have to say his name. | ||
| I was like, hey, this is my friend. | ||
| And then you just walked. | ||
| I was like, yeah, I don't want to introduce you. | ||
| They went crazy. | ||
| And then you took the shirt off and took it to another level. | ||
| That was great fun last night. | ||
| That was a lot of fun. | ||
| That was great fun last night. | ||
| That was so much fun. | ||
| It's really important to do, I've found since the last time I did a spot there, it's really important to do short sets. | ||
| To stay loose in what your talent is, but it does not translate to theaters or arenas. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| So much more conversational, so much more fun, so much more interactive, and then you go to an arena, and you're like, if you talk to one person in the front row, then there's fucking 12,000 other people going, I don't know what that guy looks like. | ||
| No, it's definitely different. | ||
| It's definitely different. | ||
| There's different timing. | ||
| I love a club. | ||
| When I started doing theaters, Tom texted me and was like, he called me and he was like, just letting you know, it's a different pacing, it's a little bit of a different muscle. | ||
| And I was like, no, no, I got this. | ||
| And I remember my first theater gig, I was done in 35 minutes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I was like, whoa, he's right. | ||
| And I was like, I don't have that much material. | ||
| Like, I have a lot of fucking around with an audience. | ||
| And, hey, ask him a question I already have the answer to. | ||
| Then, you know, that's the energy. | ||
| When you do theater, you, like, you got to fucking... | ||
| It's an act. | ||
| Especially arenas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I told Tony. | |
| You got to do the bits. | ||
| Like, you got to do the written, the best stuff. | ||
| But you also, on the other side, you hold laughs longer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's important to do that because the people are still thinking about what you just said. | ||
| I told Tony he was doing his first theater, I think with Jeff Ross or something, and I was like, slow down. | ||
| And he goes, okay. | ||
| And then I was like, hey, Tony, slow down. | ||
| And then he was like, okay. | ||
| And then he was afterwards like, that was really good advice. | ||
| Yeah, it's a different thing. | ||
| But I think it's like cross-training. | ||
| I think if you just do those, it's not good. | ||
| Because it's very difficult to come up with new material. | ||
| You're not coming up with shit when you're doing 16,000 people. | ||
| No, exactly. | ||
| And you're in the round. | ||
| You ain't coming up with any new ideas. | ||
| Geraldo talked about it. | ||
| He said it's almost a different sport. | ||
| Especially in town, like in town club comedy where you're like not the show. | ||
| And you're on top of them. | ||
| Like if you're at the cellar, the audience is literally where you guys are. | ||
| They're on top of you. | ||
| You also feel like you could take a little bit of a risk in those big ass arenas, like a new line or something, and it doesn't land. | ||
| And you immediately are like, I'm going right back to what I know. | ||
| Right back to the real shit. | ||
| I don't know how anybody who just does arenas ever comes up with new material. | ||
| You can write in those. | ||
| I always do my new hours out on the road. | ||
| Yeah, no, I'm sure, but it's not as easy. | ||
| If you try an on-the-edge joke at the stand or somewhere where they don't know you, and then they don't go for it, you're just not going to get them back. | ||
| They're like, we've lost faith in you. | ||
| I don't know who you are, and I don't like this. | ||
| That's very true. | ||
| That happened to me in the OR the other night. | ||
| OR can be fucking so deaf. | ||
| OR can be a fucking tricky whore who passes out in the middle of fucking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A tricky whore that passes out in the middle of fucking you. | |
| You should call the doctor. | ||
| She's probably having a fentanyl overdose. | ||
| There's the OR sets that have gone down. | ||
| I'm going to work on a bit here. | ||
| And then you start and you're like... | ||
| Every word that comes out of your mouth feels so scripted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you're like, I'm trying to work, goddammit. | ||
| Why won't you guys just go with me for a second? | ||
| You start feeling like a phony. | ||
| And then you bail on it. | ||
| You're like, fuck that. | ||
| If you come off the road, like when I opened for you and I'd be presentational and stuff, and you come back to, or just headlining, you come back to the store and it's just like, oh, I'm presenting instead of talking to them. | ||
| And you're following somebody who just was like... | ||
| Yeah, you follow Tony Woods or something like that, who's so natural. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Tony's the most natural. | ||
| The most. | ||
| And you're like, you've negated my game. | ||
| Completely. | ||
| Tony kills in the green room. | ||
| Tony was in the green room, and there was this open miker that kept chiming in. | ||
| He goes, motherfucker, do you hear me talking? | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| Because it was just a young guy who was just a little too eager and wanted to chime in, too. | ||
| And Tony's in the middle, he's rants. | ||
| And we're all just sitting there letting Tony rant. | ||
| And this guy's chiming in. | ||
| He's like, motherfucker, do you hear me talking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was hilarious. | |
| Yeah, he'll call you on it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| The guy was cock blocking. | ||
| The guy was jumping in the middle of his brilliant rant. | ||
| I love a club. | ||
| Of all the things. | ||
| I love them all. | ||
| You haven't done an arena, Ari. | ||
| I've not done an arena. | ||
| I want to bring you with me to one of these fucking MGM grand shows. | ||
| These crazy ones. | ||
| If you bring me to one, you've got to bring me to two because I'm going to adjust. | ||
| I'm going to figure something out after I do it. | ||
| One and done. | ||
| And you get paid for Rolex. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And a watch. | |
| And a watch. | ||
| Yeah, you're wearing a watch. | ||
| I'm going to get you a suit. | ||
| I'm going to get you a suit. | ||
| Would you wear a suit? | ||
| I have eight suits. | ||
| It's the best part of my game. | ||
| I get them hand-tailored in Hong Kong, dude. | ||
| Yeah, but they look like shit. | ||
| I've seen those. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you! | |
| My suit game is the best in comedy. | ||
| David August. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It's the best in comedy! | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| It is by far true. | ||
| It's not true. | ||
| Who has a better suit game than me? | ||
| I have pretty nice suits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| Who has more suits than you? | ||
| Who has cooler, more interesting, better... | ||
| No, dude. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| That's terrible. | ||
| You look like a Canadian that just fucking came over on a fishing boat. | ||
| Look at that shit, dude. | ||
| Yeah, that's like a Doug Stanhope. | ||
| No, that's not a Doug Stanhope bit. | ||
| That actually looks pretty good. | ||
| That looks great. | ||
| It's kind of cool. | ||
| I do not own one suit. | ||
| Have you thought about bringing This Is Not Happening back to some sort of a streaming platform or something? | ||
| I think about it all the time. | ||
| I need your and Tom's help. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| What about me? | ||
| Yeah, what about Bird? | ||
| You just left him out. | ||
| That's not a bad suit. | ||
| I'll give it to you. | ||
| I'll give it to you. | ||
| That's a nice suit. | ||
| That is a cool suit. | ||
| That's a pretty good suit. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| My birthday suit. | ||
| When we did the MGM, when Brian Simpson, Tony, Hans Kim, and I did the MGM, we all got tailored suits from David August. | ||
| That's rad. | ||
| Fucking incredible. | ||
| I mean, there's just... | ||
| Like a bespoke suit? | ||
| Jamie, you got that photo of all of us together? | ||
| Yeah, when it's made for you. | ||
| When they tailor. | ||
| Well, I have to wear suits that are made for me. | ||
| And even then, it's tough to fit. | ||
| Yeah, I'm the same way my body is. | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| I don't have a suit. | ||
| You don't have a suit? | ||
| I don't own one suit. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Yeah, you guys look clean, dude. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| Pocket squares. | ||
| Look at Jamie with the sunglasses. | ||
| Those look nice. | ||
| You guys look great. | ||
| Jamie's right out of Pulp Fiction. | ||
| This looks like Pulp Fiction. | ||
| Maybe I'll get a suit at the end of Sober October. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Get my body to the point. | ||
| With your new measurements. | ||
| And then never be able to wear it. | ||
| You'll be able to fit into it for one week. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember the last Sober October. | ||
| But look at Tom. | ||
| Remember when you guys first did the weight loss challenge? | ||
| Look at Tom now. | ||
| He's 208. 208? | ||
| That's new. | ||
| He works out every fucking day. | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
| You could be under 200 pounds. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tom could be 195 and fucking shredded. | ||
| He looks good. | ||
| I'm trying. | ||
| Well, it's amazing, the consistency in your workouts. | ||
| I mean, the real consistency, too, is on the road. | ||
| I'm on the road so much. | ||
| We work out almost every day. | ||
| You take a guy with you? | ||
| Yeah, you do. | ||
| His trainer is also an amazing photographer. | ||
| He is. | ||
| Two birds with one stone. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| Yeah, so he's a real photographer and a certified, and he's fucking jacked. | ||
| So he's like, it's great because you're around somebody who's disciplined. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So every day it's like, you know, I look at what he eats, so I'm like, I'll eat that. | ||
| What are we doing today? | ||
| What workouts are we doing? | ||
| I just do what he does in the workouts. | ||
| So you're just following someone's example, and then it becomes like a habit. | ||
| That's definitely easier to farm it off to someone. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I'm bringing my trainer on the road with me in October. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at this motherfucker going. | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| Look how thin you are, dude. | ||
| Is that Tom? | ||
| No, that's Sean. | ||
| That's Sean. | ||
| I was like, Jesus Christ, Tom. | ||
| No, that's Sean. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's cool that you guys cut your hair, like, and look like each other. | ||
| People always, they're like, are you guys brothers? | ||
| And I'm always like, I'm sorry, dude. | ||
| And that's, who's that one? | ||
| That's his trainer. | ||
| That's Sean. | ||
| Yeah, you really do have the same haircut. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Pretty fucking similar. | ||
| But that is, that is a huge thing that you could do to bring someone on the road with you and train with them. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And make sure that you get shit done. | ||
| But look how thin you are, dude. | ||
| You're so much smaller. | ||
| It's kind of amazing. | ||
| How good do you feel? | ||
| I feel great, man. | ||
| I feel great. | ||
| I mean, you know, you start moving, you know, better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Feel lighter. | |
| Lighter, yeah. | ||
| Feel easier. | ||
| Joints feel better. | ||
| Everything feels better. | ||
| How's your arm doing? | ||
| It's much better, man. | ||
| I mean, I'm going for another follow-up for the nerve stuff in like a couple weeks, but it's... | ||
| Do you like that? | ||
| Put your hand out there. | ||
| And you can clutch and everything? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah. | |
| All good? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Shout out to your doctor. | ||
| Yeah, Dr. Soruya did this one. | ||
| Your grip strength is definitely still weaker than the right hand. | ||
| And there is weight where your wrist will eventually collapse. | ||
| Do you do wrist curls? | ||
| Your weight. | ||
| The weight will, so like if I'm holding dumbbells, I can hold them, but at a certain weight, let's say they're like 60 pound dumbbells or something, I'll be fine here, and you'll see this one just will start to go like that. | ||
| Do you do wrist curls? | ||
| No, I should. | ||
| Is it still recuperating? | ||
| Oh yeah, it's a three year recovery, the nerves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You know what I love, man, is rollers, where you get a roller with a cord and the weights at the bottom and you do this shit. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| And you lost that basketball game before? | ||
| You were already losing? | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, we'd lost the game. | ||
| Then we did our dunk classes. | ||
| Tate Fletcher gave me a great speech about getting hurt. | ||
| Because we all went on this crazy hike. | ||
| And he was like, you know how I talk out my ass. | ||
| And Tate just is not having it. | ||
| And he was like, you're a decommissioned athlete. | ||
| He's like, you think your body is what it was when you were a kid, and it's not, and that's how you get fucking hurt. | ||
| That's how you get hurt. | ||
| You think you can do everything you can do when you're a kid because you can do it when you're a kid? | ||
| You can't do it. | ||
| That's how you get hurt. | ||
| And I was like, that was the first time I was like, oh, that's what happened when we played basketball. | ||
| That's 100% what happened. | ||
| And we also did something that... | ||
| I mean, it's exactly what he's saying, but especially when you get into jumping. | ||
| If you don't jump all the time, then you go, I'm going to jump my ass off today. | ||
| You have explosive movement, but you don't have explosive strength. | ||
| So it's like, in between time. | ||
| Like a 75-year-old would never think to jump. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| All the stabilizer muscles. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've got to work it. | ||
| We played basketball last week, though. | ||
| Played two-on-two and played full game. | ||
| What are you going to drop down to? | ||
| Do you have a goal? | ||
| No, because, you know, I... I remember being real fat as a freshman in college and losing weight and thinking that a number was the goal. | ||
| At first, I was like, I want to weigh 225 because I saw NFL linebackers. | ||
| I was like, that's a good weight. | ||
| And then I got down to 225. I'm like, I don't look like them. | ||
| So I just kept losing weight. | ||
| And even now, I'm 208, 209. I feel like if I go, oh, it's 200... | ||
| I'd rather just focus on what I feel like and look like and go, like, that's the weight that I'd rather be at than hunt the number. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, that makes sense. | ||
| I think I'll... | ||
| Because also, like, you're gaining muscle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| So your weight is getting higher, but your body fat's getting lower. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I don't know what the final number will be. | ||
| I think it's definitely... | ||
| I have a build that I should be, like, between 190 and 200, I think. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's what I think I should be. | ||
| And so that's, like... | ||
| Kind of like the range, yeah. | ||
| But as you're putting on muscle, I mean, maybe you'll be heavier. | ||
| Maybe I'll be heavier, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I put on muscle pretty quickly. | ||
| What do you weigh now? | ||
| 80,000 pounds. | ||
| Is it 80,000, Bert? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it over or less than 80,000? | |
| That's so funny. | ||
| Would you say it's over or I think under now because of a few days? | ||
| I'd do it in stone. | ||
| But wait, be honest. | ||
| What were you up to a couple months ago? | ||
| Because you were... | ||
| 265. 265. 265. I told that to... | ||
| Who did I tell that to? | ||
| That's Francis Ngannou's weight. | ||
| They look the same. | ||
| That's how I thought I would look at 225. I was like, I'll look like that. | ||
| I was talking to a man. | ||
| When you talk to men, it's different than... | ||
| You're a man, but us... | ||
| So if you say that, you hold people to a standard. | ||
| Like an athlete, if you've competed at a high level, you see things at a high level. | ||
| Like Eddie, it's hard to bullshit with Eddie about false claims about exercise and stuff. | ||
| So I said to someone who goes, how much were you at your harvest? | ||
| I said, 265. He goes, 270? | ||
| I went, no, 265. He goes, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Let's be very clear. | ||
| There were days you were 270. You just didn't get on the scale. | ||
| And I went, wow. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you're right. | ||
| Probably 270. Oh, right. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's the way a man works, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go, 265. That's the day I stepped on the scale thinking I was really 250. I was 211 when I got back from Italy. | |
| That's big for you. | ||
| Fat as fuck, dude. | ||
| I had a roll. | ||
| I was feeling a roll right here. | ||
| Can I please leave that shirtless picture of you? | ||
| No. | ||
| I was so fucking... | ||
| I sent it to my wife. | ||
| I go squad goals. | ||
| I did a photo shoot and I did one picture of me naked swinging a baseball bat and just randomly I saw like a delt and a bicep and then I spent the rest of the photo shoot trying to flex and you can't see anything. | ||
| I'm fucking sore as fuck the next day. | ||
| I think I pulled my kidney. | ||
| If we can get you off the booze for a long period of time and get you working out, I think you would be a fucking freak athlete. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| Booze alone would do it. | ||
| You already work out. | ||
| What do you weigh now? | ||
| I really don't know. | ||
| I think probably 247. When I saw you play tennis against Tom, I'm like, this motherfucker is an athlete. | ||
| He is an understated athlete. | ||
| His golf swing is incredible. | ||
| Swimming. | ||
| Baseball. | ||
| Hand-eye coordination. | ||
| Hand-eye coordination. | ||
| He can play pool, too. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You guys were doing Two Bears, and I heard you guys talk about archery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| One of my favorite moments ever. | ||
| We were doing... | ||
| I remember this. | ||
| We were doing Go Big Show. | ||
| And I would have bet, by the way. | ||
| I knew already. | ||
| I would have bet fucking 10 grand that you had done that. | ||
| We had a trick archer up there who was doing trick archery shots. | ||
| I've always been into archery, but whatever. | ||
| And I always know I'm pretty good at archery. | ||
| And so I go, hey, man, can I see your bow and arrow? | ||
| I want to take a shot. | ||
| And he was like... | ||
| Okay, and Snoop is like, no, no, that's not. | ||
| He's gonna fucking kill one of us. | ||
| And I go, Snoop, I think I can do it. | ||
| And I know I can. | ||
| And he goes, no, we're like maybe 50 feet from the target. | ||
| And I line it up out of nowhere and just bullseye. | ||
| And Snoop lost his shit. | ||
| And I was like, but I like that energy more than being, I like talking shit and surprising someone. | ||
| And being good at something. | ||
| That's party energy. | ||
| That's party energy. | ||
| It's the guy going, I can do a backflip, you know? | ||
| I'm the opposite. | ||
| I just get obsessed with things until I just want to get perfected at it. | ||
| And it never happens. | ||
| You never perfect something, but you get closer and closer and closer. | ||
| And you get these moments. | ||
| Like playing pool is a great example. | ||
| There's moments where you just know exactly where the ball's going. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| In the zone. | ||
| I'd be curious if you looked at my form and my archery in that trick shot, if you go, oh, he knows what he's doing. | ||
| Well, it's a different kind of archery because what you're doing is traditional archery. | ||
| What I do is like compound archery. | ||
| My shit is like, I use like a range finder and I have a scale on my sight where I range, like it's 65 yards. | ||
| I'll dial it into 65 yards and I'm shooting at 85 yards to an index card. | ||
| So at 85 yards, I'm shooting at something that's this big. | ||
| You couldn't do it the way you do it, Bert. | ||
| It's a different thing. | ||
| We went out ski shooting. | ||
| I don't know how to shoot traditional archery. | ||
| I'm terrible at it. | ||
| I was with my family. | ||
| We were in Hawaii, and they have this archery course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| It's that different? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I mean, I could do it, but I don't know how to aim. | ||
| You're supposed to aim, like, the way I do it is with compound bow. | ||
| And I pull it back, and it's all, like, centered to, it's all, the bow is matched to my frame. | ||
| So I have a 28 and a half inch draw, because that's how far my arms are when they're fully extended. | ||
| And then the peep sight is at, like, exactly, like, 5.7 inches here. | ||
| And I'm looking through this thing, and I center the housing with it. | ||
| It's like you're balancing all these things out together. | ||
| It's very zen. | ||
| Because in that moment, you're not thinking about anything else other than the execution of the shot and making sure it releases perfectly. | ||
| And it's just, there's something about thinking about something that overcomes jujitsu and archery and pool. | ||
| You don't think about anything else other than that thing while you're doing it. | ||
| And that is sort of like a moving meditation. | ||
| Archery in many ways is like a moving meditation. | ||
| Because you're so engrossed in the technique that you don't think about anything else. | ||
| No life issues, nothing else. | ||
| And even if you never hunt or never do a competition or something, there's something about shooting a target over and over again. | ||
| It just clears your mind. | ||
| Now the cool thing about what you do from my perspective, and you and Cam and all those guys, the thing I think is sexy is the fucking... | ||
| Seeing it. | ||
| Your heart's racing. | ||
| Holding your breath. | ||
| Keeping your breath. | ||
| Tracking it. | ||
| I've watched a lot of those Rinella videos on Netflix. | ||
| The energy that happens that whole moment. | ||
| It's almost like finding a needle in a haystack. | ||
| You finally see an elk and then you gotta apply all the shit you do in your range. | ||
| You gotta apply it to it when you haven't slept well. | ||
| You haven't slept well. | ||
| You slept on a rock. | ||
| Your fucking nerves are up. | ||
| You get one fucking shot. | ||
| That's the cool shit. | ||
| You gotta be still. | ||
| Your Your heart's got to be still. | ||
| There's a lot going on, man. | ||
| There's a lot going on. | ||
| But it's also... | ||
| It's obsessive. | ||
| You get obsessed by it. | ||
| And I think there's something about obsession that's good for the mind. | ||
| Like getting really focused on things. | ||
| It keeps your mind active in a very unusual way. | ||
| Do you have something like that that you like? | ||
| Jerking off. | ||
| Maybe stand-up. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, stand-up. | ||
| I'm helping Big J do his special now, and that's all I think about. | ||
| It's just like making sure everything's run right. | ||
| Yeah, shit like that. | ||
| Watching him when fully loaded. | ||
| The first time I saw him in an arena. | ||
| Big J. You know, Big J is always the guy fucks around, little buzz on stage, fuck around with the audience. | ||
| 12,000 people, he sits on a stool and destroyed me, Shane, Dave Attell. | ||
| We're back there watching him like... | ||
| And murdered. | ||
| And just didn't move. | ||
| Big J. One leg out, one leg up on the stool. | ||
| Eagles jersey. | ||
| Just fucking destroyed. | ||
| He's a fucking pro. | ||
| He's such a pro. | ||
| And he had this weird training where he'd always go on after a tell late night at the cellar. | ||
| And he'd also like open for like corn and stuff. | ||
| So he's doing these like massive venues. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He opened for corn? | |
| On their tour. | ||
| On their like some music festival kind of tour. | ||
| He did one of the hardest things too where we did the oddball tour a few years ago. | ||
| He would open that. | ||
| And everybody's like, fuck that. | ||
| Like, nobody wants to do it. | ||
| And he embraced it. | ||
| And like, you know, you have people being sad and all this shit. | ||
| He would fucking kill it. | ||
| We went out. | ||
| We had to introduce a big band at Rockin' the Range in Columbus, I think. | ||
| And it was like 20,000 people out there. | ||
| And the two of us went out. | ||
| Just to say, also, we have a comedy show. | ||
| And we went out. | ||
| And I'm just like, freeze. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| And then somebody yelled out from the crowd something and Jay just rips in, turns 18,000 people against this one guy. | ||
| And I'm like, help me, Jay. | ||
| Help me, please. | ||
| We had him for Fully Loaded. | ||
| He was going to host all the shows. | ||
| Just host him because he's so good at it. | ||
| And that first night he went out and did it. | ||
| Because he missed the first night, we had Dave Williamson host. | ||
| Next night we're like, why don't you just do a spot and then we'll switch it up. | ||
| And after watching his spot, we're like, oh man, he just needs to do sets. | ||
| Fucking 20 minutes of... | ||
| Just. | ||
| Material. | ||
| Like, material. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking brilliant, man. | ||
| Yeah, you think he just does crowd work, but he disguises everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's like... | ||
| He's super funny. | ||
| He is one of the best crowd work guys in the country. | ||
| And it's real crowd work. | ||
| And it's real crowd work. | ||
| It's not bullshit crowd work. | ||
| It's so smooth with it, too. | ||
| It's not like he has a pre-planned thing that he's going to say to people. | ||
| And someone will attack him, like in the audience at a small club, and he'll be like... | ||
| Okay, that's a good way of looking at it. | ||
| He just stays in the pocket. | ||
| Big J, Ian Bagg. | ||
| Ian Bagg's crowd work is dangerously flawless. | ||
| Like, he takes... | ||
| People sleep on how fucking talented that guy is. | ||
| We did South Africa. | ||
| And there's like people that, it's a cultural thing, certain tribes or whatever, people would have dyed hair, like dyed, you know? | ||
| And one of the people running the festival is like, oh yeah, they're from, you know, whatever, this group, and it's like a religious, cultural thing, dyed orange, and he's like, hmm, okay, huh? | ||
| And he gets up there, and he's like, you look like an orangutan, you know? | ||
| And we were like, oh! | ||
| But his delivery and the way that he says it, the lady was backstage panicking and he was just the guy and everybody, they were all just dying. | ||
| I don't know him. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| You don't know Ian Bagg? | ||
| No, I don't know him. | ||
| I watched him go on stage and he does so much crowd work, he picked out what car everyone drove in the front row. | ||
| You look like a Toyota Tacoma guy. | ||
| Let me see a picture of you. | ||
| I do. | ||
| He did a special for Showtime of crowd work with a few bits. | ||
| And you know how sometimes that can be lost in a special? | ||
| It delivered so fucking hard. | ||
| You back clowns the audience? | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He is so quick. | ||
| He is so fucking funny. | ||
| He might be the best, actually, and no joke. | ||
| You'd have to nominate him. | ||
| You'd have to at least put him in the running for it. | ||
| Who else does great crowd work? | ||
| Ian, Jay. | ||
| Jay's fantastic. | ||
| I need to watch some of Ian's sets. | ||
| I'm not really familiar with his material. | ||
| What's your fucking deal? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| When you get your club open, have him come do a weekend down there, and you will be... | ||
| In a minute, Joe, you're going to be like... | ||
| And then at the end of the week, and tell me if I'm wrong, you'll be talking like this, too. | ||
| Sam Talent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude! | |
| He's a funny motherfucker. | ||
| I got to meet him. | ||
| He came down to the club when we were doing a little tour of it and showing what the construction is and everything. | ||
| Got a chance to hang out with him a little bit. | ||
| I like him. | ||
| Funny dude, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| Super smart. | ||
| Very funny guy. | ||
| He wrote one of the best books on Stanhope. | ||
| I keep hearing that. | ||
| Stanhope gave it to me. | ||
| He said it's great. | ||
| The funniest thing about that book, it was great, but he had different comics read each chapter for the audiobook, and how little comedians know how to actually read was just exposed. | ||
| I read the first chapter. | ||
| Fumbling over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I couldn't read out loud at all. | |
| I'm a bad out loud reader. | ||
| My audiobook outsold my book. | ||
| Hey, getting your fucking text is a real experience. | ||
| Oh, your text is so ridiculous. | ||
| He had the drunk excuse before. | ||
| I'm like, do you look at those? | ||
| Do you look at them before you send them? | ||
| I do not. | ||
| Send it. | ||
| And you're like, what? | ||
| I can't see if I don't have my glasses on, so I just send it. | ||
| How bad is your vision? | ||
| I have 20 amazing vision from far away, but I can't see shit up close. | ||
| You know what stopped my vision loss? | ||
| I started taking something called macular support. | ||
| Pure encapsulation, macular support. | ||
| I mean, my vision's not great. | ||
| Mine's declining. | ||
| It never got worse. | ||
| It went to a spot where I can read my phone. | ||
| I can't read my phone. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| I can read the news. | ||
| Macular support. | ||
| Pure encapsulation. | ||
| It's got lutein and a bunch of different things in it. | ||
| But I've been taking it regularly for years. | ||
| And it makes a difference, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you writing down? | ||
| It's like my vision got pretty shitty. | ||
| But Ari, you got the fucking surgery and then it went bad. | ||
| It didn't go bad. | ||
| It's just starting to go back. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That happens. | ||
| Eight years later, seven years later. | ||
| Your macular degeneration continues even after you get the surgery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there's a thing now that Andrew Huberman was telling me about where it's like some sort of bacteria, and I'm going to butcher this, they inject it into your eye, and it actually corrects your vision. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And I'm like, but what if it goes bad? | ||
| I was scared of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's always like a 1%. | |
| My vision's not bad right now. | ||
| It's like, it's okay. | ||
| There's this small percentage thing that happens in Lasix where somebody's vision will just go orange. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Yeah, permanently. | ||
| Well, this guy that I met, one of my daughter's friend's dads, he had the Lasix, and now he can't drive at night. | ||
| He can't now? | ||
| Because he sees halos, all the lights. | ||
| How long ago? | ||
| Did it go away? | ||
| No, no, he can't drive at night. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| He drives at night, and he's like, can't see anything. | ||
| He goes, like, all the headlights, have you ever seen what it looks like? | ||
| I had it for a couple weeks. | ||
| Halo vision due to Lasix. | ||
| It's not good, man. | ||
| Yeah, so that's what he sees. | ||
| So, like, upper right-hand corner, Jamie? | ||
| Upper right-hand corner? | ||
| Halo? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| So that's what he sees. | ||
| Like, when he sees a light, everything around that light is obscured by, like, a haze. | ||
| Yeah, so he can't drive at night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| At all. | ||
| He's like, I see pretty good in the day. | ||
| I can read books, but at nighttime, I'm fucked. | ||
| He goes, so I can't drive cars. | ||
| That's fucked. | ||
| That's fucked. | ||
| And they didn't tell him that. | ||
| The second I got it, they're like, hey, but just so you know, your nearsighted, that's still going to fade. | ||
| Immediately, I couldn't see a book this close. | ||
| I had to put it out. | ||
| The next day, I was like, hey, dude, you said it would go away slowly. | ||
| He goes... | ||
| No, maybe right away. | ||
| Maybe right away. | ||
| I got your money, bitch. | ||
| Oh, that's my dick. | ||
| I forgot that it was the last picture I showed. | ||
| It's sitting right there where everybody can see it. | ||
| I'll put it up so everyone can see it. | ||
| It's Spotify. | ||
| You can show my dick. | ||
| I think you can now. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We might be in trouble. | ||
| This might be the one. | ||
| I think about death a lot. | ||
| Do you think when people die, they're like, hey, put my glasses on so I can see everybody. | ||
| No. | ||
| I think you're thinking about dying. | ||
| I think about dying a lot. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Well, maybe you should be a little healthy. | ||
| I think you should look into it. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| It's one of the benefits of Sober October is I wake up going, hey man, I'm not dying today. | ||
| Wait, were you serious that your recovery is better with tequila than no drink? | ||
| Hardcore better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hardcore better? | |
| Hardcore better. | ||
| Like you see the stat? | ||
| I have a 98% recovery on tequila one time. | ||
| And what is it like? | ||
| 70s. | ||
| Let's see what it is in a week or two. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| But you also, you have to realize we're at day six, so your body's adapting. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| There was a thing you were doing the other night and we were going to give you a pass. | ||
| It was such a brutal thing, that thing that you had to do. | ||
| I couldn't take it. | ||
| I wanted you to fail so bad so I could get out of it. | ||
| I wanted you to fail so bad. | ||
| I got your text. | ||
| I got your text. | ||
| You're allowed. | ||
| I said three drinks too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Give him three drinks. | ||
| Because you give him one drink and he'll be like, that's nothing. | ||
| He can't have one. | ||
| The conversation in my head is interesting. | ||
| Because here's where my brain went. | ||
| You said you get three drinks. | ||
| And I went, and I said to Leanne, I got three drinks tonight if I want them. | ||
| The problem is I'd be chasing them all night. | ||
| And then that night what I did is I went out and then I went to dinner with Leanne and I wasn't chasing any drinks. | ||
| I had like a Diet Coke and it was nice. | ||
| We had dinner. | ||
| And then I got in the car and I drove both of us home. | ||
| Normally she drives. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then I put on pajamas. | |
| I got excited for pajamas. | ||
| And then I laid in bed and I woke up. | ||
| And that's the thing I wish I could get a hold of. | ||
| Where I just go, oh, tonight's not a night I'm chasing drinks. | ||
| So there's pros and cons, right? | ||
| So the pros of drinking all the time is you're the life of the party. | ||
| You're the guy. | ||
| You're the guy. | ||
| You go on stage. | ||
| You get to live life. | ||
| You get to see it in other people's eyes. | ||
| But you can do that once in a while. | ||
| There's a rant that you did that is on a video somewhere of you talking about how you love drinking. | ||
| I'll never quit. | ||
| It's a great rant. | ||
| It's so great. | ||
| It's a love letter to alcohol. | ||
| It's a love letter to that feeling that we all get when you have a couple of cocktails and you see a sunrise. | ||
| And it's just like, ah, or a sunset. | ||
| You see just, it's something beautiful. | ||
| It's like, there's a feeling when you just start to catch a buzz that is such a fucking beautiful feeling. | ||
| I remember during pandemic, I didn't drink. | ||
| And then one night, during the pandemic, I didn't drink for like three months. | ||
| And then the first three months, I just What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| I just know you. | ||
| And what happens is if I keep asking questions, you'll be like, all right, there was a few days in the city. | ||
| The last drink I had was on the tour bus going into the city. | ||
| And then? | ||
| And then I didn't drink. | ||
| For three months. | ||
| Okay, maybe two, whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe four days. | |
| It was definitely a long time. | ||
| At all? | ||
| No drinks? | ||
| No booze. | ||
| Because I was at home with my kids. | ||
| He'll be like, I've been drinking in a while. | ||
| And I'll be like, how long? | ||
| And he'll go, like, weeks. | ||
| And I go, no? | ||
| He goes, well, Saturday. | ||
| This is my fucking Saturday. | ||
| Saturday was Liam's birthday. | ||
| I'm like, well, then that's the last time you drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, hold on. | |
| Stop, stop, stop. | ||
| I definitely, I went a long stretch at the beginning of the pandemic without drinking. | ||
| I think it was three months. | ||
| It was definitely before I went on tour for the outdoor thing. | ||
| You're going to go to the bathroom, right? | ||
| You're not going to piss in the hallway, right? | ||
| Because you're sober. | ||
| Because I'm sober. | ||
| I'll go all the way to the bathroom. | ||
| We still have a jug of his piss. | ||
| No, someone threw it out. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| We had a giant whiskey bottle filled with Ari's piss. | ||
| It was hilarious because he was peeing in the hallway. | ||
| We got a camera, the security camera. | ||
| He was like, why are you filming me? | ||
| I'm like, we're filming everything, bro. | ||
| This is a high security place. | ||
| The bathroom was like another 20 feet. | ||
| No, you couldn't make it. | ||
| You've justified it. | ||
| Yeah, you guys get fucked up on those Protect Your Parks. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Can I tell you, I'm a little jealous that all ours are always sober. | ||
| Feeding his dick like a snake into a rat hole. | ||
| That looks like a picture you put in front of a 7-Eleven, like this man. | ||
| Right next to the Jimi Hendrix painting. | ||
| And I'm bent over because I'm almost ready to pass out. | ||
| It's the Stockton serial killer right there. | ||
| Look how filled that fucking whiskey jug is, too. | ||
| He pissed in that a couple of times. | ||
| God. | ||
| Fun times. | ||
| Protect our parks are fucking awesome. | ||
| Those look fun. | ||
| It's the most fun. | ||
| They're so fun. | ||
| Are we doing November? | ||
| November 2nd, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yeah, we're going to do it. | ||
| Oh, you're going to turn loose. | ||
| You're having your first drink with them and not us? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'll have a first drink with you. | ||
| I mean, I'll have a second drink with them. | ||
| I'll have a first drink with you. | ||
| November 2nd, my birthday's November 3rd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd be happy. | |
| Do you want to get together November 1st? | ||
| Let's tie one on. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Come here. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Let's fucking go. | ||
| November 1st? | ||
| Let's have some barbecue. | ||
| Drink some beers. | ||
| The best feeling is that first drink when... | ||
| So the first Sober October we did, me and Ari met up in New Orleans. | ||
| We had our first drink together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Malort's, right? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| You're here? | ||
| November 1st. | ||
| Tommy and I get a hamburger. | ||
| I can be here. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Ari, what are you doing November 1st? | ||
| We could do it in the afternoon. | ||
| I could fly in the morning. | ||
| Yeah, let's do it. | ||
| Let's do a show that night. | ||
| Let's have some fun. | ||
| The first time me and Ari meet up in New Orleans, I feel great. | ||
| People always talk about gratitude. | ||
| I remember having so much gratitude for you guys because I had never stopped for that long and being like, I'm glad I have friends that made this fun. | ||
| Me and Ari went down. | ||
| Well, you were worried at first. | ||
| You thought it was an intervention. | ||
| It was. | ||
| I went home after that. | ||
| Joe, you get in serious mode sometimes where it's not fun anymore. | ||
| You pull me aside and you grab me like, hey, just so you know, you don't have to do this. | ||
| And I was like, the fuck is it? | ||
| You're making it real. | ||
| I laid in bed that night after that first Sober October thing. | ||
| I laid in bed and I go, I think I just ruined my career. | ||
| Well, can I tell you why I did that? | ||
| Because my doctor friend told me that you could die. | ||
| He said there's one thing that does actually kill people, and it's withdrawal from alcohol. | ||
| Yeah, we all were really actually legit worried. | ||
| We're like, that could happen. | ||
| There's two drugs that kill people when they get off of them. | ||
| Benzodiazepine is one of them. | ||
| Benzos, Xanax. | ||
| Xanax actually can kill people if you get off of it. | ||
| Your body becomes so addicted to it that when you get off of it, your body just fucking freaks out and you die. | ||
| And that shows you how great benzos are. | ||
| Well, that's what happened to Jordan Peterson. | ||
| That's what happened to Jordan Peterson. | ||
| What was he up to? | ||
| Do you know what he was consuming? | ||
| He doesn't really discuss that. | ||
| He's a little tight-lipped about that. | ||
| But it's got to be significant for people to go through it. | ||
| I do not know. | ||
| I was sad that he did it in the first place because I think he didn't understand the withdrawal. | ||
| No one understands with benzos because the doctor prescribes it. | ||
| They always give you like one milligram and then you're like, oh, wow. | ||
| You take that one milligram and it's overwhelming and then slowly but surely that one milligram... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does it do? | |
| It's like Jesus. | ||
| You've done it? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| What does it feel like? | ||
| It's the greatest feeling in the world. | ||
| Xanax is? | ||
| I mean, it literally, just imagine yourself being very anxious and it's just being eliminated. | ||
| But doesn't it rebound until your anxiety increases when you get off of it? | ||
| That's what I've heard. | ||
| I mean, it's short-lasting. | ||
| The thing about Xanax and stuff is that it's fast-acting, so it hits you pretty quickly. | ||
| And if it's strong, not only would it reduce your anxiety, but you would get a buzz of sorts. | ||
| You feel good. | ||
| It can be addictive. | ||
| But people take different quantities of it. | ||
| So taking a milligram is actually a strong dose. | ||
| If I ever take one, I take 0.25. | ||
| How often do you take it? | ||
| I still have the same 30 that was prescribed to me from like two years ago. | ||
| So you can just do it every now and then and not do it? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| I had a problem with it. | ||
| I had a problem with it. | ||
| Legit problem. | ||
| Dom Irera was taking quite a bit of it. | ||
| He was taking it a lot, but he said it made him feel great. | ||
| He was having issues. | ||
| Panic, anxiety. | ||
| With a glass of white wine? | ||
| I'll tell you what, all anxiety goes away when I do hard cardio all the time. | ||
| We were talking about this last night, is that one of the things that's coming out of this Sober October thing that came out of the last time we had the fitness challenge, and you and I talked about this, there's a thing that happens when you do that hard cardio every day where you don't give a fuck. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| It gets easier. | ||
| Yeah, it gets easier to do the hard cardio because you get in shape, but you were talking about the inner chatter. | ||
| Yeah, because all stress, anxiety, everybody has different degrees of it, but when you're doing hard workouts, like when you fucking gas yourself, you're done, and you do it consistently, nothing really. | ||
| It's just hard to stay consistent and to recognize that that really is like a medicine. | ||
| But it's like a medicine. | ||
| It does leave you feeling like you can't think about other stuff. | ||
| What's the exercise for you? | ||
| For me, it's cardio. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Out of all the cardio, it's not running. | ||
| Is it the rowing machine or the bike? | ||
| Well, I have a knee issue that fucks with me when I run and I've been getting stem cells in it. | ||
| I fixed my right knee. | ||
| Ways to Well. | ||
| Shout out to Ways to Well. | ||
| My right knee is 100% now. | ||
| Zero problems. | ||
| And I had a torn meniscus in it. | ||
| It was swell sometimes and I get like a cyst. | ||
| I got it drained like six, seven times. | ||
| It was a real problem. | ||
| It's gone now. | ||
| Like I can do everything. | ||
| Shout out to Brigham. | ||
| Yeah, shout out. | ||
| Leanne's hooking up with Brigham. | ||
| She's doing it. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| Stem cells are amazing. | ||
| But what's the actual exercise? | ||
| Like for me, the only way I can find myself pushing it to where I'm going like I'm about to throw up is a rowing machine. | ||
| Rowing machines are great. | ||
| Rowing machines are great. | ||
| I honestly need an outside motivator. | ||
| So if it's just me trying to get in shape, it's like, why not quit? | ||
| Why today? | ||
| But if it's when I'm competing against you guys, when I'm like, I have to do this from an outside push, then I can keep going. | ||
| My wife gets very uncomfortable when we start doing these things. | ||
| Oh, your wife. | ||
| My wife gets scared of me being obsessed. | ||
| Nobody's significant other. | ||
| During the fucking Sober October fitness challenge, I went off the rails. | ||
| It was nuts. | ||
| My wife gets me sober once a year and all I do is talk about you guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Texting her pictures of Joe shirtless, and she's like, hey, don't let this happen again. | ||
| Have fun with it. | ||
| Just stay healthy. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's why we mitigated that by making this not a contest. | ||
| I signed up from a gym to get, you know... | ||
| To be able to work out. | ||
| And they're like, oh, we haven't seen you here since October 30th, 2019. Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I think for me, that tank, I love that Torque Fitness tank. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's great. | ||
| That thing really feels, I don't know, it feels amazing. | ||
| It's a sled that you push or pull. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| We have one out here. | ||
| Like a tackle? | ||
| Well, it has resistance. | ||
| You can ramp up the resistance. | ||
| Resistance levers. | ||
| Jamie, pull it up. | ||
| Torque makes it. | ||
| It's one of the best fitness tools. | ||
| So you push that thing. | ||
| That guy looks just like you. | ||
| And then you also can put a strap on it and you pull it backwards. | ||
| Yeah, it has different, and then it has a rope. | ||
| Put a fucking lawnmower on there and do two things at once. | ||
| The whole time I thought! | ||
| That was every comment on that thing. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not as difficult. | ||
| The other thing I think that really fucking takes me to that level of like, holy shit, is mitts or a bag. | ||
| Oh yeah, man. | ||
| Really going ham on that. | ||
| I don't have any coordination punching. | ||
| I really look like a chick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I could show you that. | |
| I could show you that easy. | ||
| That is hilarious what you're just doing right now. | ||
| The wrists? | ||
| In my movie, I think I had my fingers, or I was doing this, and they were like, yo! | ||
| Dude, I could teach you that pretty easy. | ||
| I guarantee you I could teach you how to punch pretty easy. | ||
| You'd figure it out. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I think I'm tough, like if some guy talks shit, but when I hit mitts, I really don't know what I'm doing. | ||
| But if some guy was like, and you go, I'll fuck you up, and then you went like this... | ||
| I can do your hair first. | ||
| The key is to learn how to do it where you're not trying to hit something hard. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Everybody tries hard, and when you try hard, you like, and you use all these muscles, and you fuck up your thing. | ||
| When you learn how to punch correctly, the right way for someone to teach you is literally to teach you just you're not even doing it hard. | ||
| You're just learning how to move your body correctly, and then it becomes muscle memory. | ||
| And then it becomes ingrained in your pathway, so you know where you're putting your foot. | ||
| And then once you actually start hitting something hard, then your body knows what the motions are. | ||
| The problem is when you strain. | ||
| You see big guys do that. | ||
| Big, strong guys. | ||
| They know they can hit hard, so they try to hit hard. | ||
| They grunt and they stretch everything out. | ||
| That's the wrong way to do it. | ||
| They're also gassed in like 20 seconds. | ||
| Yeah, because you're using so much muscle. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You know, you want to use technique and you can learn how to do it like slowly and softly. | ||
| It's just teaching yourself to not try to hit it hard. | ||
| You see those pros are so loose too, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like their shoulders just kind of... | ||
| That's the same thing with jujitsu too. | ||
| The way to really learn jujitsu is to drill. | ||
| You just learn how to do something in a drill, where you're not straining against a person. | ||
| You're learning how to just train your body to go through the motions. | ||
| The best I got at jiu-jitsu, the biggest leap that I got was between blue belt and purple belt. | ||
| That's because I was training with Eddie, and we were training almost four or five days a week. | ||
| And we would drill all the time. | ||
| I had mats in my garage. | ||
| We'd go get high, and he would go over techniques with me. | ||
| Eddie's a fucking great instructor, too. | ||
| He really breaks it down so well. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So good at it. | ||
| So he can get it. | ||
| And even though he's like, you know, he's a stoner, and he's like this wild dude, he's very disciplined. | ||
| He smokes weed? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| I went up behind him one time to take him down at the store, just as a gag. | ||
| Oh, good luck. | ||
| And he, as I grabbed him, you know, Eddie went, don't do that. | ||
| And I was like, he's like, you know, I'm trying to do one thing, and it happens. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jitsu, that wears me out completely. | ||
| Wore me out completely. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like, all parts of your body, because it's, like, wrestling in general. | ||
| Well, that is another thing that, like, alleviates anxiety with people. | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| Coffee. | ||
| This is the best goddamn cigar I've ever had in my entire fucking life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very good. | |
| It's the best fucking... | ||
| I haven't had any buzz at all. | ||
| I've had a buzz. | ||
| It's a Jaime Garcia. | ||
| They make... | ||
| My father's is, like, the number one cigar out there. | ||
| My father's always wins the... | ||
| But this is all... | ||
| We got this at the bachelor party. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| We got my father, the judges. | ||
| And then me and Liss got a bunch of other cigars for the people who were like, I'll try a cigar. | ||
| I'll be like, I'll have the special one for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Try one less. | |
| Like a not as good one. | ||
| They're so cheap in Tampa. | ||
| That fucking bachelor party was sick. | ||
| That was a lot of fun. | ||
| They won me over. | ||
| Sidesplitters won me over. | ||
| Sidesplitters? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, this place is great. | ||
| I'll be back. | ||
| I've never been. | ||
| Never been to that. | ||
| It's a real club. | ||
| It's a really cool club. | ||
| It was funny watching Bert. | ||
| Remember what it's like to be in a club? | ||
| He's waiting to go on. | ||
| Like, jump on. | ||
| Nobody else is there. | ||
| And he's waiting outside the showroom. | ||
| People are like, all right, Bert, can I get a picture? | ||
| He's like, oh, fuck. | ||
| He didn't know what to stand. | ||
| He's just in the kitchen, like, moving past, like, waiters. | ||
| Sorry, sorry, I'm in the way. | ||
| I'm like, this is club comedy, Bert. | ||
| You forgot. | ||
| I know you know this because you like sports the way I do, but, like, you do Cleveland, you do the arena in Cleveland, and you're making the same walk LeBron makes, and you're going, like, there's a gravitas that comes with those arenas where you, like, Like, you hear the people, and you're walking down the hallway, and you're seeing jerseys up, and you're like, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, those tunnels. | ||
| The tunnels. | ||
| And then you go to Sidesplitters, and you're in the kitchen, and they're like, plate coming around the corner, and you're like, sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry. | ||
| You're like, how am I supposed to get in my head? | ||
| I hope they really pop when I take my shirt off. | ||
| I hope they really pop when I take my shirt off. | ||
| You're trapped. | ||
| You have to take your shirt off for the rest of your life. | ||
| I'm in it. | ||
| What are you going to do if you get ripped? | ||
| Throw me in the briar patch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would love to be ripped. | ||
| I would love, for on this special, I would love to, all I want is someone just to, remember when Chappelle, remember when Chappelle got guns? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And all everyone just, on the deal, they're like, dude, his fucking arms look good. | ||
| That's all I want. | ||
| So I'm going to go, goddammit, man, he's got delts. | ||
| He's got delts. | ||
| That's all you want? | ||
| Just, I'm always going to have the belly, I think, but just someone to go, he doesn't look that bad. | ||
| Can I discuss your belly real quick? | ||
| Please. | ||
| So it's always, Tom and I have talked about this. | ||
| You look like a trans man that's having quintuplets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's so good. | |
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Oh, that's so good. | ||
| But we talk about how it's pushed out all the time. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| No, it has begun to fall over. | ||
| Yeah, Ari was obsessed with it last night. | ||
| He was pointing to it on stage like it's the Zapruder film. | ||
| It has finally fallen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's been there. | |
| I compared it to a growing mushroom the day after it rains. | ||
| No, you're confusing two bellies. | ||
| Explain. | ||
| My belly has fallen over like everyone else's. | ||
| When I did Secret Time, I didn't realize that it already happened until they did the billboard of it. | ||
| And they did the billboard, and I go, that's not my stomach. | ||
| My stomach's tight. | ||
| And it was a... | ||
| You have the craziest, most delusional perspective. | ||
| I think I have body dysmorphia. | ||
| The text message you sent us the other day, I could do more push-ups than anyone in this group. | ||
| I think you can, Bert. | ||
| Cheap push-ups, Marky Marks. | ||
| Yeah, but cheap push-ups I could do for days. | ||
| I knew. | ||
| I knew it was like Vintage Bert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There it is. | |
| Secret time. | ||
| That's me, and they put that up on fucking Melrose, and I go, that's not me. | ||
| What? | ||
| You thought your belly was smaller than that? | ||
| That's me at like 220. Right, but you, at the time, thought your belly was smaller than that. | ||
| I thought I was in great shape. | ||
| And they put that up on Melrose, and I saw it, I drove past it, and I go, oh, they must have put someone else's belly on me or Photoshopped it. | ||
| Yeah, this is like when you go, like, I have legit the best shoulders. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Hold on, I do. | ||
| I have legit great shoulders. | ||
| Like, great fucking shoulders. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| Joe, they're ripping through this shirt right now. | ||
| Yeah, but you say things and you don't really mean it, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I kind of mean it. | |
| When you say things and you know they're not true. | ||
| I kind of mean it. | ||
| He does mean it. | ||
| I kind of mean it. | ||
| I kind of mean it, which means he means it. | ||
| But you say things you know aren't true. | ||
| Like, remember that one time you said he could do the splits? | ||
| I actually thought I might be able to pull one out. | ||
| But more importantly, out of that whole... | ||
| Look at those fucking... | ||
| That looks pretty good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you look at me, if I take my shirt off and just do like this, you go, yeah. | ||
| No, right there you look pretty good, though. | ||
| But you've got to know that you can't do the splits. | ||
| Like, why'd you say that? | ||
| Because I thought I could pull it out. | ||
| Same reason I said I could run a marathon with no training. | ||
| Yeah, but a marathon is like you can run five miles. | ||
| I've seen you run five miles. | ||
| So just keep going. | ||
| The idea of doing the splits is crazy. | ||
| The best part of that story, for me, was when you did a split, and then you looked at me and you said, have you ever done a split? | ||
| And I said, no. | ||
| And then in your eyes, you go, like you're almost trying to talk to an island of people you discovered. | ||
| You go, what made you think you could do that? | ||
| And I go, I don't know. | ||
| And you went... | ||
| Why could you do it? | ||
| Yeah, you're like, but what? | ||
| You've never done it. | ||
| And I said, yeah, I know. | ||
| And you go, and you were willing to hurt yourself? | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| I was going to see if I could do it. | ||
| I just thought I could do it. | ||
| But it takes a long time to get that flexible. | ||
| That's not a normal human thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Let's just roll the dice. | ||
| I like that energy, though. | ||
| That's Cinderella story energy. | ||
| That's not a Cinderella story. | ||
| That's a torn hamstring story. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But I like when you go places and people underestimate you. | ||
| And I love my favorite part of Sober October is the subtle shit talk where you go, I will murder you. | ||
| I said, I think I can do more push-ups than you. | ||
| And your reply was, I will kill you. | ||
| And I started giggling so hard. | ||
| I'm at dinner with my family and they're like, what are you laughing at? | ||
| And I go, Joe. | ||
| And they go, what did he say that's funny? | ||
| I go, was only funny if you know him intimately. | ||
| Because I know you, you're like, what the fuck? | ||
| And then I thought, I really thought, because I've been to Ways to Wellness with you. | ||
| Is it Ways to Wellness? | ||
| Ways to Well. | ||
| Ways to Well with you so many times. | ||
| And I've seen you getting the shots in your shoulders. | ||
| I go, I bet he can't do a push-up. | ||
| I bet he can't do a push-up because of his shoulders. | ||
| That's what I thought. | ||
| But they're not that bad. | ||
| You unlock in Joe a competitiveness that only comes out around you. | ||
| When he did it at your studio, the whatever it's called, arm wrestle. | ||
| But just the way he was like, let's do it, fine. | ||
| It wasn't that competitive, but it was still like, he was like, bye! | ||
| And then just walks out. | ||
| Crushes through, then walks out. | ||
| Like, you're an idiot. | ||
| With Burt, it's like, it makes you mad. | ||
| It's because Burt's making claims, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you have a delusional perspective that I just don't understand. | ||
| You're a truth seeker, and this guy attacks that. | ||
| Yeah, I am the Alex Jones of fitness. | ||
| Hey, I just... | ||
| In what way? | ||
| I literally just made this comparison yesterday. | ||
| In that I talk wild shit, and then every now and then it matches up. | ||
| That's exactly what I said! | ||
| Every now and then you're like, oh shit, frogs are gay. | ||
| You're the guy that goes to the center core and goes, I bet I could fucking hit this from here. | ||
| And everyone's like, no way. | ||
| And then you swish, and then you walk away. | ||
| Once in a long while, you'll pull out a marathon. | ||
| Yeah, you'll pull out a miracle. | ||
| Every now and then people are like, What the fuck? | ||
| When we were doing the Sober October Fitness Challenge, you were what I thought of 80% of the time. | ||
| Hatred. | ||
| Spite drive. | ||
| There was just fury inside me. | ||
| I was like, I'm gonna drag him to hell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's my brand. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Dude, when we went to... | ||
| We were doing Fully Loaded, but at the end of the day, these professional baseball players were on the field. | ||
| And they're like, hey man, I heard you want to try out for the team. | ||
| And I was like, I'll fucking give it all up right now for one season, one contract. | ||
| And they're like, can you swing? | ||
| And Attell goes, I got a hundred bucks that says he doesn't connect. | ||
| And I went, okay. | ||
| And then literally got up there and one hopping off the fence. | ||
| And Attell's like, are you fucking serious? | ||
| And then the pitcher goes, looks at the team, he goes, these are with no pace. | ||
| There's no pace on these balls. | ||
| What does that mean, pace? | ||
| Meaning he's throwing them at like 40 miles an hour, so I'm doing all the work to get the ball out there. | ||
| He goes, with a little bit of pace, I think it'll go yard. | ||
| And I was like, put some pace on it. | ||
| You can find the video of me hitting fucking bombs. | ||
| I think you are a secret athlete. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I just think you just don't do anything about it. | ||
| You also have a specific athleticism. | ||
| I have things I'm good at. | ||
| I have a few things that I'm good at. | ||
| See, when I first heard you were a good athlete, or you told me that, I was like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Because it's all based on what What you know now. | ||
| Well, what your origin is of athleticism, you know what I mean? | ||
| A kid who played a lot of baseball thinks of somebody good at baseball. | ||
| If you played football, that's all I did, great athlete means runs the fastest, jumps the highest, Can bench fucking 225, 30 times. | ||
| I was like, no you're not. | ||
| But then I saw him do all the things that are... | ||
| It's still athletic. | ||
| It's just outside of that realm. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It's like everything that was hand-eye, golf, ball, everything. | ||
| He could like, I'll throw this ball and hit that thing off that bar over there. | ||
| I'm like, what are you talking about? | ||
| And then he'd go, boom, and ding it. | ||
| And I was like, oh, shit. | ||
| He can make these wild claims on... | ||
| Maybe that's where the delusional part... | ||
| Because you don't have any... | ||
| You really believe it. | ||
| That's the thing he does. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Because he's a real dreamer, too. | ||
| He really is. | ||
| It's the way I tell the story. | ||
| I live in a world where I want you to feel it. | ||
| It's not about reality. | ||
| It's about feeling it. | ||
| It's why I like alcohol. | ||
| I like the feelings. | ||
| I don't need it to be I don't need it to be real. | ||
| I want the energy. | ||
| That's why I love a cigar and coffee. | ||
| That's not how you're supposed to start a day. | ||
| And I think I am that way with physical achievements. | ||
| My friends I grew up with have said this. | ||
| They look at me sometimes a little bummed out. | ||
| They'll be like, what happened to your body, man? | ||
| You're a legit athlete. | ||
| This isn't who you are. | ||
| When I went to college, I remember intramural softball. | ||
| Everyone was making big claims about how good they were, and I was like, I'm actually really good. | ||
| And I was like, I'm not going to say a fucking word. | ||
| I'm not going to say a word. | ||
| Everyone thinks I'm some stoner alcoholic. | ||
| I'm just going to go in and just fucking drop bombs. | ||
| And then that look on someone's face when they expect nothing of you and you over-deliver is, I think, how I've set up my career. | ||
| Same with stand-up. | ||
| I remember ripping my shirt off, and I remember David Letterman was doing an interview with Mike Binder, And Binder texted it to me, and David Letterman goes, I mean, he rips his shirt off. | ||
| Like, you don't expect anything, and then it's good material. | ||
| And then I got that, I was crying, because I was like, that's, everything I want you to do is, like, under-believe and then over-achieve. | ||
| But I think with, but I think, especially with sports, I have a little bit of... | ||
| I live in maybe not a big reality. | ||
| I'm like that with fucking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I can't fuck at all. | ||
| I'm very real about fucking. | ||
| I can't fuck at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
At all. | |
| I feel bad for Leanne sometimes. | ||
| Even she talks about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine this mounting you and just humping you? | |
| She's probably so worried you're gonna die on her. | ||
| No, I've come so fast that she's laughed. | ||
| I came so fast one time, started laughing. | ||
| I go, hey, you're not supposed to laugh when people come. | ||
| She goes, I mean, come on. | ||
| You'd have to see the humor in this. | ||
| She goes, I don't think you could have gotten AIDS from that fuck. | ||
| Fuck, that was so quick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fast. | |
| Fast. | ||
| Like fast. | ||
| Every time? | ||
| If I go down on her, it'll be like three pumps. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get excited. | ||
| Get that J in you. | ||
| I can grind on the bed while I go down on her and fucking come in the sheets. | ||
| I'm fucking quick. | ||
| And this is like with jacking off? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, if you don't jack off for a while, then you fuck, it's like almost immediate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's probably why I don't cheat, because I think if I fuck someone, the look of disappointment in their face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fear. | |
| I remember I fucked one chick. | ||
| I fucked one chick. | ||
| I told Tony Woods this story, he said, never tell anyone this story. | ||
| I fucked her and I came so fast she got angry. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And she goes, you need to read a book. | ||
| You need to read a book or get online and learn something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's a rude thing for a girl to see. | ||
| Read a book and then come back and finish your job. | ||
| And then she goes, and I was going to say, give me a minute, I'll go again. | ||
| And then I was like, hey, you can't talk to me like that. | ||
| That's not cool. | ||
| Like, what if I said, it's really shitty. | ||
| We just had sex. | ||
| Like, I know I came fast. | ||
| And she got really mad. | ||
| And then I was like, I'm gonna have to ask you to leave. | ||
| Like, this isn't cool. | ||
| And then she went to my, I was still naked. | ||
| She's like, you're not cool. | ||
| And I had a beer in my hand. | ||
| My roommate came out, Weecho. | ||
| And I still had a condom and a beer in the kitchen. | ||
| And I went like this. | ||
| You're still wearing your used condom? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who does that? | |
| Walk it out with a fucking filled condom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| Just like the little reservoir just like dangling. | ||
| My buddy Weecho comes around the corner and I go, she'll be gone in a second. | ||
| And she came out and she goes, are you being fucking serious? | ||
| I gotta go to Brooklyn now? | ||
| And I was like, I just can't let you talk to me. | ||
| That's not cool. | ||
| My feelings are hurting. | ||
| I'm like, that's not how this works. | ||
| Like, you're not my girlfriend, but you can't like yell at me. | ||
| I go, I know I wasn't good. | ||
| And she got to the door. | ||
| She goes, I can't fucking believe this. | ||
| And then she was really angry and she faked a punch. | ||
| And I spilled beer all over myself and my dick went up and hit me in the stomach. | ||
| We both started laughing hysterically. | ||
| You and the woman? | ||
| Me and the woman both started laughing in my door hysterically. | ||
| And then she smiled and went to my neighbor's door and pounded on the door. | ||
| She goes, Bert Kreischer can't fuck! | ||
| And knocked on every door down the hall. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| Good move. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a solid move. | |
| Jesus Christ, dude. | ||
| Where did you find that fucking animal? | ||
| Don't divorce her. | ||
| Boston Comedy Club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I shaved my legs for this. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| That reminds me of when we went to that national championship game and we're trying to skirt the line. | ||
| And they weren't famous then. | ||
| And we're just, like, trying to get through, trying to get through. | ||
| And everyone's like, hey, what the fuck? | ||
| You gave him a hundred bucks? | ||
| Some random, like, bouncer guy. | ||
| Security guy. | ||
| And they was like, why? | ||
| Who are you guys? | ||
| And Bert just goes, I'm Tom Segura. | ||
| Google me, motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're just like, come on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was the funniest. | ||
| Do you remember one lady's, like... | ||
| Hold on! | ||
| Did you just play a black guy to walk you to the front? | ||
| And we're like, that's exactly what we did. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, we didn't take his race into account. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, sure. | |
| He just has the yellow jacket that says security. | ||
| Yeah, the yellow jacket that says security. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's hilarious. | |
| You're just mad you didn't think of it. | ||
| We were just like, hey man, make this happen. | ||
| He was like, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Done. | |
| No one knows this. | ||
| I realized this when I was working the door at the store. | ||
| If you tip a guy $20, $100, you owned me for the night. | ||
| I'll do whatever the fuck you wanted for $20. | ||
| For $100? | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| You're running late by the way at an airport, and you find somebody that works at the airport, and you have cash, give that person $20, $40, whatever. | ||
| That person will get you through security, for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Absolutely. | ||
| Yeah, you just give me four hours of time. | ||
| You say, hey, I'm in a rush. | ||
| You get a hundred bucks, give me to the line. | ||
| They know the people at TSA. And then they'll be like, okay. | ||
| And then they'll look for someone they know. | ||
| They'll be like, hey, man, hey, hey, hey. | ||
| And then they'll just get you. | ||
| There's nothing like a cool person at TSA. Yeah. | ||
| Like every now and then, you know that story I tell about the lady who got randomly selected at TSA? There's nothing about a funny person that you meet at TSA. You're like, all right, we're okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The world's okay. | ||
| You're a person who's in this weird position where people every day are bullshitting you and you're trying to do your job, but every now and then you run into a cool person. | ||
| I asked the guy once, because sometimes they say your name out loud, and it's like, what? | ||
| Why do I have to say my name out loud on my ID? And so I asked the guy, I was like, why here and not anywhere else? | ||
| And he goes, oh, because the guy who runs this TSA at Newark is a power-hungry? | ||
| And I was like, Ari Shaffir. | ||
| He's like, go ahead. | ||
| I'm like, good answer. | ||
| I used to do concierge key for American when I flew American. | ||
| And there's this dude at the gate. | ||
| Butterfly's private. | ||
| Tony. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go ahead. | |
| What is concierge key? | ||
| It's like their highest level. | ||
| I got in trouble for talking about it on this podcast. | ||
| I got kicked out of concierge key for talking about it on this podcast. | ||
| What? | ||
| What's concierge key? | ||
| It's their highest level. | ||
| It's the highest level. | ||
| It's invitation only. | ||
| They take you into that sneaky little spot. | ||
| Oh, I did that once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the highest level you can get. | ||
| It's invitation only by American Airlines. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| Like for super loyal people. | ||
| And they're like, do not talk about it. | ||
| And I talked about it on Rogan. | ||
| And then the woman called me and chastised me. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And said, just so you know... | ||
| We don't appreciate you talking about this on your little podcast. | ||
| It's the biggest podcast in the world. | ||
| And they lost me at that moment. | ||
| I go, you're not allowed to call me and chastise me in my house. | ||
| That's not how that works. | ||
| Not unless I come super fast, right? | ||
| This isn't cool. | ||
| So how could they have a thing that you're not allowed to talk about? | ||
| It's called Concierge Key. | ||
| Tom Papa hit me up about it. | ||
| He's dying to get it. | ||
| You go through a private line in the airport. | ||
| Now I just do private suite, which is fucking the best. | ||
| That's a separate entrance on the other side of the airport. | ||
| That's the shit. | ||
| That's the shit. | ||
| Yeah, I've done that. | ||
| That's where Beyonce goes? | ||
| It's where Beyonce, Kardashians, everyone goes there. | ||
| Private entrance? | ||
| You've got to get a membership. | ||
| Own TSA. Are you allowed to talk about that? | ||
| Fuck yes. | ||
| They're fucking badass. | ||
| Do you see the picture? | ||
| Pull up my stories. | ||
| They had a bottle of Tito's wrapped in caution tape in my suite yesterday. | ||
| And they're like, we'll hold this until November. | ||
| Then the dude rolled in. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| I told them, I go, man, I'm bummed. | ||
| I need a treat to be here, and I don't want to see any treats. | ||
| And they have a diet root beer. | ||
| Dude came back with Kool-Aid packets. | ||
| No way. | ||
| A tray of Kool-Aid packets. | ||
| That's private suite. | ||
| This is the fucking greatest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, look at that. | |
| That's awesome. | ||
| Caution tape. | ||
| They are the best. | ||
| We'll save this for you until November. | ||
| Oh, I get it now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's cool. | |
| If you don't fly, then look, he just walked in with a thing of Kool-Aid for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They're the best. | ||
| The fucking best. | ||
| Well, you drink Kool-Aid. | ||
| Are you drinking diet Kool-Aid or regular Kool-Aid? | ||
| Zero sugar. | ||
| Zero sugar. | ||
| What's in there? | ||
| Zero sugar. | ||
| It's zero sugar. | ||
| But what's in there? | ||
| It's not sugar. | ||
| What's the flavoring? | ||
| Have you ever looked at the ingredients? | ||
| It's triglycerides and peptides. | ||
| It's good shit. | ||
| Keeps you young. | ||
| The private sweets, the shit. | ||
| The first time I did it, they gifted it to me. | ||
| They said, you know, I was coming in, I was panicked. | ||
| I think my travel agent was like, hey, he's only got like eight hours in L.A., Private suite. | ||
| You get a membership, right? | ||
| I'm a member now. | ||
| Just at LAX or everywhere? | ||
| Just at LAX. At your main airport. | ||
| But you drive in. | ||
| You take a separate entrance. | ||
| They bring you into a suite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They have all the shit you like. | ||
| Liquid Death always. | ||
| Tito's. | ||
| They bring caviar. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Caviar. | |
| What? | ||
| It's next. | ||
| It's the greatest treat you can give yourself flying that isn't flying private. | ||
| It's the greatest treat you can give yourself. | ||
| You're all about treats. | ||
| I'm defined by treats. | ||
| You're all about rewards. | ||
| I'm defined by treats. | ||
| When you guys are talking about self-help books, I have a self-help book that I have chaptered out for the way I get by. | ||
| Because there's more people that are like me than going to be like Cam Haynes. | ||
| So I want those guys to succeed. | ||
| And one of the things, number one thing, and I bet you've asked a lot of people that are successful, the number one thing I need is treats. | ||
| I need a treat. | ||
| I need something to look forward to at the end of the day. | ||
| And right now it's Kool-Aid. | ||
| I bet I have it in my pocket. | ||
| I just don't walk around without Kool-Aid. | ||
| Yeah, I got Kool-Aid in my pocket. | ||
| I don't walk around without Kool-Aid. | ||
| Because I get a bottle of water and I go, I know I should drink this water, but I need a treat. | ||
| I need something to... | ||
| Why don't you put liquid IV in there? | ||
| I love liquid IV. Liquid IV tastes great and it's actually good for you. | ||
| I love liquid IV. They're a little bigger packets. | ||
| Too big for your pocket? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But PrivateSuite is... | ||
| So the first time I use it, they go, we want you to experience the... | ||
| Your problem with Liquid IV is the packet size? | ||
| Why don't you get a fanny pack? | ||
| They're pretty big. | ||
| Why don't you get a fanny pack? | ||
| How come you don't have a fanny pack? | ||
| I have one in the morning, but I'm not putting them in my pocket. | ||
| You seem like a guy that needs a fanny pack. | ||
| How come you don't use one? | ||
| I'm a fanny pack guy. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| Yeah, I'm a fanny pack guy. | ||
| I love fanny packs. | ||
| Do you want one like this? | ||
| I have these. | ||
| I want one definitely like that. | ||
| Legitimately, this is much smaller. | ||
| This is much smaller. | ||
| First time, this is how PrivateSuite hooked me. | ||
| I got eight hours at home. | ||
| My travel agent reaches out. | ||
| There's a place called Private Suite. | ||
| They'll meet you at the plane, take you off the plane in a car, and get you home. | ||
| And so they grab your bags for you. | ||
| You don't have to go through any of this stuff. | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| And so I go, and they go, we know you're on a time crunch. | ||
| We got you a helicopter taking you home. | ||
| What? | ||
| I flew LAX to Burbank. | ||
| I was home in, from the second we touched down, I was home in 20 fucking minutes. | ||
| That's fucking sweet. | ||
| And the guy gets in the helicopter and he goes, you want to go to the interstate? | ||
| You want to go to the ocean? | ||
| I go, go to the ocean. | ||
| He goes, you want to get low? | ||
| And I was like, fuck yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And we flew about 20 feet off the fucking ocean just... | ||
| And then got to Burbank and I was home. | ||
| Another good impression of the sound. | ||
| You're just killing the sound. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| And by the way, Private Suite, if you're not cool with me talking about this, I apologize. | ||
| I'll never leave you. | ||
| I'll never leave you. | ||
| I'll be a member forever. | ||
| Why don't we do a tour? | ||
| Let's do a little tour together. | ||
| Just a few dates. | ||
| Can I promote it? | ||
| Because we'll be doing fucking stadiums. | ||
| We will be doing fucking stadiums. | ||
| I don't like outdoors. | ||
| Tell me what you want to do, Joe. | ||
| The Gorge? | ||
| Let's do The Gorge. | ||
| What's The Gorge? | ||
| There's a great music festival there near Seattle. | ||
| We do The Gorge. | ||
| We do that cave in fucking Tennessee. | ||
| Have you seen The Cave? | ||
| Type in Cave Theater, Tennessee. | ||
| This is fucking next level. | ||
| Look, I'm all about... | ||
| Eventizing an evening. | ||
| I love, there's nothing I love more than hearing Steely Dan's coming to the Hollywood Bowl. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Oh my god, where is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's intense! | |
| Oh my god, that's amazing! | ||
| Holy shit, that's incredible! | ||
| Why have I never heard of this? | ||
| Dude, I'm telling you right now. | ||
| Who is that on stage? | ||
| I think it's your mom. | ||
| Oh my god, my mom. | ||
| Dude, that fucking cave looks incredible. | ||
| Look at the gorge. | ||
| That's fucking Red Rocks. | ||
| Red Rocks, I might be the most jealous of anyone I've ever seen play a venue was you playing Red Rocks. | ||
| You love Red Rocks? | ||
| It's just so cool. | ||
| John Denver said if I had one set left in my life, it would be Red Rocks. | ||
| You haven't done Red Rocks? | ||
| No. | ||
| The Beatles played there. | ||
| It's such a great night in that you get there early. | ||
| That's where Bird did his last special. | ||
| You get there early. | ||
| You go in. | ||
| I've been hiking there. | ||
| That's the first time I did Red Rocks. | ||
| I'm a little overweight there. | ||
| I think I gave Norma that shirt. | ||
| You look exactly the same. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Oh. | ||
| But Red Rocks, you go in, you get in there early, you do your sound check, you get an IV, you get dinner at the venue. | ||
| They make great dinner. | ||
| Then everyone starts piling in, the show starts. | ||
| The best part of Red Rocks is they give you an option. | ||
| You can go to Sebastian Maniscalco, get in the Sprinter, get out immediately. | ||
| Or you gotta wait till traffic dies. | ||
| Are you telling me I get to make a Tito's and soda and have a joint and sit on stage at Red Rocks? | ||
| Sit on stage as they go? | ||
| It's empty. | ||
| You smoke a joint and go, fuck yes. | ||
| See the stars out there. | ||
| Dude, it's amazing. | ||
| And the thing that I'm really attached to right now is... | ||
| Immersing yourself in the fan experience as an artist and saying, what do I want out of life? | ||
| I think it's easy for you to go, who gets me excited? | ||
| Like if you're a fan of like Wilco, I'm a fan of Wilco. | ||
| I saw Wilco at fucking these cocksuckers. | ||
| I saw him at Red Rocks and I was high and I was drunk. | ||
| And I was crying. | ||
| One of the songs, Ballin' Crying, cameraman just puts the camera on me, and I'm sobbing, crying, holding my wife, singing along. | ||
| But that moment for me is beautiful because I love Wilco. | ||
| And I got to see him at the most beautiful venue ever. | ||
| I try to do that for my tour. | ||
| Looking at you from the audience. | ||
| From the audience perspective. | ||
| If you're a fan of Burt, what do you want? | ||
| And this is what's great about touring when we did Fully Loaded with Shane Gillis. | ||
| He goes, are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| We're at a baseball field and you're just going to walk on stage? | ||
| He goes, you come running in from right field, the bullpen. | ||
| You come in. | ||
| Play the walkout song. | ||
| Play the walkout song. | ||
| Marianna Ravana. | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking... | |
| The Metallica song, you know? | ||
| Enter Sandman. | ||
| Because it's lights out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And by the way, I got chills right now. | |
| I go up for that and just sprinting. | ||
| We do Thunder Valley. | ||
| They go, we'll put you in a sprint car and we'll play... | ||
| At the starting line. | ||
| And you're going 90 miles an hour standing up in a fucking car. | ||
| Like that. | ||
| For me, I think that's amazing. | ||
| So when you say a tour of us, my cock gets hard. | ||
| And I go, you eventized that. | ||
| How come we haven't done that yet? | ||
| We talked about it before. | ||
| It's always been scheduled. | ||
| We have to plan it far out. | ||
| That's the truth. | ||
| Well, we have to plan it far out because I need to write a whole new act. | ||
| I'm in that spot where we're just filmed and I've got to fucking figure out how to put together an hour. | ||
| He's the problem. | ||
| Because he's already doing the biggest venues you can do. | ||
| Right, but he'll be done around the time that the club's open and I'm ready to... | ||
| He's touring until his children are in high school. | ||
| No. | ||
| I do have my international stuff next year, but it ends in May. | ||
| That's April, yeah. | ||
| We could do June or later. | ||
| June or later is good. | ||
| That's a good timeline. | ||
| I got fully loaded, too. | ||
| Later, later. | ||
| I'm doing it for six weeks. | ||
| Or October-ish. | ||
| Yeah, but that's just six weeks. | ||
| So we talk about August, September. | ||
| September. | ||
| I'd do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It'd be fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It'd be fun. | |
| Well, really, the way to do it is right before Sober October. | ||
| Alright, yeah, right we don't want to do it in October right fuck party in September then are we committed to sober October for the rest of our lives Can I make a couple suggestions for next year's weed put weed back on the menu? | ||
| This tonight is gonna be a triggering event for me Because I haven't been in a situation where booze should be here or I should be on acid for Roger Waters Yeah, and that will be up I'll be itchy. | ||
| I hung out with Roger Waters yesterday and I played pool with him. | ||
| You did? | ||
| You guys podcasted? | ||
| Yeah, we podcast, played pool. | ||
| How was he? | ||
| He's great. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| He's such an interesting guy. | ||
| He's so fucking smart. | ||
| I had an interview with him for the 25th or 30th anniversary of Dark Side of the Moon. | ||
| And they were like, did you know when you were writing this what kind of effect, how big it would be? | ||
| And he was like, yeah, I mean, it's great. | ||
| He takes his shit very, very seriously. | ||
| I think he did an interview recently about Russia. | ||
| Very anti-war. | ||
| Oh, we talked about that a lot yesterday. | ||
| But he was kind of pro-Russian in his stance, right? | ||
| No, not necessarily. | ||
| He was saying that there's reasons why they're reacting this way. | ||
| It's because we violated treaties. | ||
| NATO has pushed weapons. | ||
| Dave Smith was talking about that, too. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| It's not as simple and cut and dry as everybody said. | ||
| We orchestrated a coup there in 2014. I mean, it's not that simple. | ||
| It's like they've openly tried to persuade Ukraine to join NATO, and there's a lot going on with that. | ||
| I mean, it's not to excuse what Putin did. | ||
| Putin did something absolutely horrific, but it's not like he wasn't provoked. | ||
| Well, sure. | ||
| He was provoked. | ||
| And it's not like there aren't people that have a movie in a can about Russia that are waiting to release until this fucking war's over. | ||
| Yeah, when was that movie completed? | ||
| It's over. | ||
| We're fucking sitting here because... | ||
| When was it completed? | ||
| How long ago? | ||
| Almost a year ago. | ||
| Probably a year ago. | ||
| That is so wild that you can't release it because it's kind of pro-Russia. | ||
| I think you were done over a year ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the war started and they were just like, oh, let's just... | ||
| I remember them going, we don't want... | ||
| You talking about the war. | ||
| That's probably smart. | ||
| You're probably not the expert on that. | ||
| I was like, wait, are we not pro-Russia? | ||
| And they're like, okay, good call. | ||
| Good call. | ||
| Let's wait another two months. | ||
| I was like, wait, I thought we were, guys, guys, they're our allies, right? | ||
| Are Axis something? | ||
| The best left? | ||
| Axis of evil. | ||
| That sounds pretty cool. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Hitler had friends. | ||
| They were our allies at one point in time. | ||
| The best, best Pink Floyd song, in your opinion. | ||
| There's a song that you go... | ||
| There's so many. | ||
| I mean, for me, it's money. | ||
| Money is fucking great. | ||
| It's for you coming out this autumn. | ||
| Fucking song is so good. | ||
| That song does rip. | ||
| Wasting away! | ||
| And the way they use non-instrumental instruments to start off, that was pretty good. | ||
| Good job, man. | ||
| Way to go, Michael Winslow. | ||
| I learned from the master. | ||
| Taking away the moments to make up a dull day. | ||
| That transition into that song, that... | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| This is money, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Money! | |
| It's so badass. | ||
| It's so badass. | ||
| They have so many good fucking songs. | ||
| And when you talk to Roger, you kind of know where it's coming from, man. | ||
| It's like, the guy is so deep. | ||
| I mean, the... | ||
| God damn, this is good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get away, get a good job with the pain, you're okay. | |
| Monday, it's a gas. | ||
| Grab that cash in both hands and make a stash. | ||
| New car cab, we are four-star, day-dreams in the final world football team. | ||
| Right now, Bert is picturing walking shirtless onto stage. | ||
| What's the point of this song? | ||
| What's the switch though? | ||
| He's like, it's not the way to live life? | ||
| I think it's pointing out how crazy it is, the obsession that people have with money. | ||
| The best is the one song they have about trying to split up the band. | ||
| How people were trying to split it up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey kid, you'll go far. | ||
| I think you'll be a big star. | ||
| As long as you get rid of it. | ||
| Which one of you is pink? | ||
| What's that song, Jamie? | ||
| And then ten years will pass. | ||
| That's my favorite lyric. | ||
| How does it go? | ||
| And then ten years will pass without you noticing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would listen to this every day in Serbia going to the... | ||
| Have a cigar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How are we going to go to see this sober? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| How are we going to go to see this sober? | ||
| I feel like we should have a one-day weed pass. | ||
| Matt Stacks had a good point. | ||
| Religious exemption. | ||
| Oh, this is a religion. | ||
| Where's the show? | ||
| Oh, this is such a jam. | ||
| Where's the show? | ||
| It's here. | ||
| But what movie is it? | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| And you know, he's got this insane visual. | ||
| Oh my god, it's so fucking cool. | ||
| Almost like a sin not to smoke weed. | ||
| When I saw him... | ||
| Keep talking. | ||
| I like what you're saying. | ||
| This with lights? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I'm gonna buy a can of paint and a paper bag. | ||
| You guys have new poppers. | ||
| Whatever I gotta do. | ||
| I'm gonna hold my breath. | ||
| He had a bunch of kids come out on stage with torture masks on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's just talking about agents trying to fuck up his students. | |
| This is Hollywood. | ||
| Which one's pink? | ||
| He wants to split them up immediately. | ||
| That's what they're trying to do to us, guys. | ||
| The band's fantastic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| Which one's pink? | ||
| Who's trying to split us up? | ||
| Hollywood, baby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hollywood, baby. | |
| Hollywood has about as much influence on us as that banana rat does. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| We're completely removed. | ||
| We're the industry now. | ||
| You can choose to dip into it if you want, but you don't have to. | ||
| It's so funny, especially when comics come under fire and people turn on your friends, and you're like, no. | ||
| Why? | ||
| What are you talking about, no? | ||
| Suck it. | ||
| Well, the people that don't have friends want you to turn on your friends. | ||
| The people that are in this like weird fucking group of people that are secretly fucking jealous and bitter of each other and they're all talking shit about each other. | ||
| Those are the ones that want you to turn on each other because they want you to be like them. | ||
| But that's what this used to be. | ||
| I remember when I started this business, no one had friends. | ||
| You were kind of friends with people until they got something. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| There's still guys like that out there. | ||
| They're friends with you until you do really well, and then they just fucking hate. | ||
| But those are just bitter, weird narcissists. | ||
| You guys started in a different system than I did. | ||
| Well, you started in the system that we created. | ||
| Store of door guys of low-level people that it was like, finally, it was almost like when Pesci got, not Pesci, when Pesci got happy that, what's his name, got made. | ||
| It was like one of us. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Getting made. | ||
| As soon as somebody got passed, Aaron Cater was the first one to get passed, and we're like, yes! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Yeah, but I was already passed. | ||
| We were like that because we realized there was a benefit in all being together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that we realized that there's so much more fun and camaraderie than there's this weird, bitter loneliness. | ||
| The driver brought me in today. | ||
| He's like, you've been on here a lot, huh, on this podcast? | ||
| I was like, yeah. | ||
| I was like, oh, I've known Joe. | ||
| I was like, there's a few guys that when you started were like dicks, and there was a few guys like, You and Ralphie and they were like, you're funny, man. | ||
| You can do this. | ||
| It's just supportive. | ||
| I would say for no reason, but it's a human reason to do it, you know? | ||
| It's a human reason. | ||
| It benefits us. | ||
| The more people that are good, that are doing well, it benefits everybody. | ||
| This weird thing that it's all for you, that famine mentality is so poisonous for everything. | ||
| Not just for comedy, for every art form. | ||
| You want other people out there to kill you. | ||
| It's good for you. | ||
| It's good for everyone. | ||
| And it's definitely good for them. | ||
| My best compliments, when people are like, I like this, I like that, my best is like, dude, you showed me so many comics from This Is Not Happening. | ||
| I discovered all these people. | ||
| Well, you're great at that, too, highlighting people on your social media, too, that are really good. | ||
| You've always been that. | ||
| You've always been a little more socialist. | ||
| Socialist, yeah. | ||
| That's a good way to put it. | ||
| I told you this last night, but I try to implement that a little bit where you try to help put people over and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, put them over. | ||
| But then you start looking at it, and this sounds crazy, but then you get to a place where these guys that, like, you kind of tried to help. | ||
| I had a conversation with Tim Dillon. | ||
| I apologize, Tim, if I'm overstepping my boundaries. | ||
| But we were talking in my front yard, and he was saying, you know, you were one of the first guys to put me on a podcast, and I'll never forget it. | ||
| And I was out in L.A. And I was like, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then you think, these guys you're trying to put over one day... | ||
| Will be over. | ||
| And now, like, Tim's a big get for me. | ||
| I can't announce it, but I have a big thing I'm doing with Tim. | ||
| And I was, like, really grateful that he did it. | ||
| Pioneer contest? | ||
| And then you think to yourself, like, it's crazy how quick that shifts, that paradigm of like, Chris DiStefano, great guy to get on the podcast like two years ago, and now you're like, hey man, you're in LA, can you do my podcast? | ||
| And you know, it's like these, Mark Norman, Shane, like these guys all kind of pop, Yanni, and like all these guys kind of pop. | ||
| Schultz! | ||
| I remember Schultz did Something's Burnham when I was in New York. | ||
| And I was like, we were talking, it was like, oh, it's good to have you on. | ||
| And then now he's like... | ||
| He was so quick. | ||
| He crushed it with that thing, too, with that special. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Just the YouTube, there were 5 million views in a week. | ||
| It goes 100,000 a day. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| I checked it today. | ||
| Yesterday I saw it and I went, oh, shit, 5.5 a week. | ||
| Shots is another one. | ||
| I was like, I had like a... | ||
| Late to the game on clips, putting clips up, but I had a good riff on stage and we had a tape of it. | ||
| I was like, hey, is there a way? | ||
| I just wrote him. | ||
| He goes, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You need big lettering. | ||
| You need a big close-up of your face. | ||
| Actually, you know what? | ||
| Send me the clip. | ||
| I'll have my guy fix it up and send it back to you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of people are like, I don't know man, you figure it out. | ||
| People who hoard information. | ||
| He came from New York to L.A. I remember when Schultz came to L.A. He's like, dude, the scene here is so different. | ||
| Everyone's so fucking supportive. | ||
| He came to the store. | ||
| He came to the store, and I gave him a big hug. | ||
| I go, what's up? | ||
| Nice to meet you, man. | ||
| And he's like, you want to do a spot? | ||
| I go, fuck yeah. | ||
| I did a spot on his show, and we were all hanging out. | ||
| And he's like, dude, everyone here is so fucking supportive and friendly. | ||
| It's so different than New York. | ||
| He's like, you guys are fucking doing it right, man. | ||
| And I think he just fucking ran with that. | ||
| He brought that vibe to New York. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| That's the best vibe, man. | ||
| We're all in this together. | ||
| There's not that many of us. | ||
| Yeah, there's not that many of us. | ||
| There's like a thousand of us on Earth. | ||
| Like, really legitimate comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a thousand of us on Earth, on the planet. | |
| And it's fucking hard to get there, man. | ||
| And if you can grab someone who's coming up and give them some words of encouragement and help them and take them on the road with you a little bit and give them some tips and boost them up a little and get them on your podcast, you're fucking doing a service, man. | ||
| Bringing them on the road. | ||
| To all of us. | ||
| Paying them. | ||
| Especially, I think, probably we've all sort of forgotten, like... | ||
| The status you've gotten to a new young comic who watched you before they even did comedy. | ||
| Carlin would sit in the back of the room and when people got up, they're like, hey man, that was really funny. | ||
| He knew he was George Carlin giving you that compliment. | ||
| And it's tough to remember who now, what your name means, but a little bit of just like, hey, that was a really funny joke. | ||
| It goes a long way to a young comic. | ||
| Do you remember the first comic that complimented any of my jokes? | ||
| The first compliment I got from a real comic was Jim Norton. | ||
| And I was like, I'm in. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| I'm there. | ||
| I'm there. | ||
| It gets you from quitting. | ||
| The in-between days where you're like, I don't know if I can do this. | ||
| For me, it was Marc Maron. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Marc Maron gave me a compliment when I was an open-miker. | ||
| Pulled me aside. | ||
| He goes, you're really funny, man. | ||
| You're really doing some good stuff, man. | ||
| Keep at it. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He was like, don't listen to anybody. | ||
| Just keep doing your shit. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| It was giant. | ||
| I was like a year in. | ||
| It was giant. | ||
| It made me feel so good. | ||
| Just a little compliment like that. | ||
| Louie and I were talking about that the other day. | ||
| Someone's saying that to you. | ||
| When you're coming up, it's so valuable. | ||
| Someone that thinks you're good. | ||
| I say that to every comic that I see that gets me to laugh. | ||
| I say, you've got the hardest part already. | ||
| You're funny. | ||
| Just keep doing it. | ||
| Just keep working, keep grinding, just keep fucking writing new shit and keep doing it. | ||
| You've already got the hardest part. | ||
| The hardest part is being funny. | ||
| Everything else is just work. | ||
| It's so hard. | ||
| Some people never figure out the funny thing, man. | ||
| They just don't get it. | ||
| It's like they can't grab it. | ||
| Almost they touch it, and it runs away from them. | ||
| They just can't get it. | ||
| And you'll see them ten years later, and they still can't get it. | ||
| That's the sad one. | ||
| I still don't get it. | ||
| At times, you ever had someone compliment a joke of yours that Isn't the funniest joke you have? | ||
| And then you're like, well, now I've got to figure out that fucking joke. | ||
| And they find something in it that works. | ||
| Louis did that to me when we were in Minneapolis. | ||
| He came into this spot. | ||
| We were in theaters next door. | ||
| I said, why don't you come over and just do a quick spot? | ||
| He said, you sure? | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| Thinking, I thought he was talking about the cancel shit. | ||
| It was because... | ||
| He's a fucking monster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I gotta follow Louis C.K. I didn't realize that. | ||
| Shirt comes off, everyone's like, boo. | ||
| Are you sure you want me to go in front of me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I literally was like, I was like, Louis, I don't care about cancel culture. | |
| And then I'm watching, I'm like, oh, I can't follow this. | ||
| And so he comes up and he goes, hey man, that deaf kid joke, fucking yes. | ||
| And I was like, out of all the things? | ||
| I was like, that's the one I don't... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not... | |
| So now I've been fucking toiling with this one goddamn joke that he saw something in that I'm like, I guess there's some umami inside this joke that I can't find. | ||
| This is a Bryan Simpson joke. | ||
| I don't want to give up the joke because I would give up the premise. | ||
| It's too much. | ||
| But he's got this one joke. | ||
| The premise is so strong. | ||
| My God, dude, there's something there. | ||
| He goes, I know! | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| I go, I don't know, dude, but I laugh so hard just at the premise. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| He writes so much. | ||
| He's so disciplined. | ||
| He writes every day. | ||
| He always has new shit. | ||
| Oh, and it's so tight. | ||
| Yeah, he's really funny. | ||
| He's one of those guys. | ||
| There's this crop of upcoming guys, man, that are so strong. | ||
| And they're embracing stand-up. | ||
| And I think it's because of the guys that have already made it, that are really enthusiastic. | ||
| About them, too. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Because everybody's excited about Brian. | ||
| He's the real deal. | ||
| He's the real deal. | ||
| And he thinks differently. | ||
| He thinks differently. | ||
| He thinks like a man. | ||
| And talks to you in analogies that I never fucking thought of. | ||
| Where you're like, oh shit, I didn't see it that way. | ||
| He's like, that's what life is. | ||
| And you're like... | ||
| His perspective is totally unique. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so fucking valuable, man. | ||
| I just remember right now, Tom, when you brought me to Crackers. | ||
| Oh yeah! | ||
| And it's probably, at the time for you, a $1,200 to $1,500 gig. | ||
| And you're like, it's break-even, Ari. | ||
| I couldn't get a headline gig anywhere except La Jolla. | ||
| And you're like, come break-even, but it'll get in the club. | ||
| And yeah, I did. | ||
| It was a big fucking thing for me. | ||
| Yeah, that was cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, I took you on the road when you were a doorman. | |
| That's a hard D used. | ||
| Doorman. | ||
| You were a doorman. | ||
| You were. | ||
| You were, like, just starting out, man. | ||
| That was actually, getting back from those first six months, all my friends were like, dude, you made a jump. | ||
| And it was like, yeah, playing 300 seaters. | ||
| Like, good crowds. | ||
| Oh, yeah, man. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Well, you actually called. | ||
| Like, a lot of people would be like, hey, man, you're funny. | ||
| And they'd be like, give me your number. | ||
| Like, you know. | ||
| Oh yeah, how he found you. | ||
| Right, but those people just never call. | ||
| I remember one time I called an agent. | ||
| I was like, hey, your client said that they wanted to take me on tour. | ||
| And they were like, okay. | ||
| And then I followed up and they were like, yeah, they don't want to do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, oh, okay. | |
| Well, we worked with like 20 different comics on that Charlie Murphy tour. | ||
| And you were the one I worked with in Phoenix. | ||
| And you went up in Phoenix and I think you did like three minutes. | ||
| Yeah, three minutes. | ||
| What? | ||
| Killed. | ||
| And then I remember pulling you aside and going, dude, you're fucking good. | ||
| Yeah, but I still was, he was like, you know, give me your number. | ||
| I was like, okay. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I didn't think anything of it. | ||
| Because so much smoke. | ||
| I saw Mooney, he got off stage with some guy from HBO. I was like, Paul, I haven't seen you in a while. | ||
| I was like, uh-huh, you haven't. | ||
| And he goes, well, I just didn't stop. | ||
| He goes, we'd love to do something again. | ||
| He goes, I bet you would. | ||
| And he goes, give me your number. | ||
| Do you have a pen? | ||
| I don't have a pen. | ||
| I goes, no, I don't, motherfucker. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Because he had just been like, I've had smoke blood on my ass for decades. | ||
| He was Richard Pryor's writer. | ||
| He wrote with Richard Pryor. | ||
| Paul Mooney's a legend. | ||
| He's a legend. | ||
| He was one of the ones that really bummed me out when he died because I had an opportunity to see him one night at the store and I decided to go do something else. | ||
| I remember someone said, Mooney's going to do a set at the store. | ||
| And I hadn't seen him in years. | ||
| And I know he had been in New York for a while. | ||
| And then he was doing a set at the store. | ||
| I don't remember what I had to do. | ||
| It was sad at the end. | ||
| Yeah, but I still wish I said hi and gave him a hug. | ||
| It always is. | ||
| It's just like he was... | ||
| Whatever the disease was, it wasn't... | ||
| He still had some killer bits, but it made you sad. | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
| You saw a man, like, dying. | ||
| But there's those things that, like, he was one of those guys. | ||
| Like, I told you that was... | ||
| Him telling me I was funny was just, like, giant to me. | ||
| It's like there's guys that just don't impress easily. | ||
| When those guys come up to you and say something to you, it's fucking big. | ||
| I remember, this is going to sound so stupid, Patrice did it for me on Twitter one time. | ||
| What? | ||
| I fucking birthed Conker or whatever, and I was in a hotel room in San Antonio, and he just put out a tweet saying, hey, congrats to my buddy, or whatever. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm not going to paraphrase. | ||
| I know I'm going to fluff it up. | ||
| But it's great to see Burt Kreischer succeeding. | ||
| He's been an OG or whatever in the business. | ||
| And I remember my cameraman, Scott Sands, was like, dude, because he knew how much Patrice meant to me. | ||
| He's like, Patrice, did you see what he just tweeted? | ||
| And I read it, and I shut my door, and I fucking cried. | ||
| I was like, dude, he was the fucking, I mean, he was like... | ||
| He was a special voice, too. | ||
| Yeah, real. | ||
| Very, very special. | ||
| He's a guy that I think if he was alive today, he'd have the biggest podcast. | ||
| I would be number two. | ||
| He would be number one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Patrice? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's be very fair. | ||
| No, he wouldn't. | ||
| He would not have the biggest podcast. | ||
| You'd have a hard time listening to it. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| He was great on ONA. He was great on ONA, but he did have a podcast, and it was tough to listen to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did? | |
| Oh yeah, he had the Dr. Phillips podcast. | ||
| Oh yeah, Black Phillip. | ||
| Black Phillip. | ||
| He had out there theories. | ||
| And if you allow Patrice to, if you allow Patrice one mic with no pushback, sometimes it could go into some places where you're like, I don't feel like that totally. | ||
| I'm just being fair. | ||
| I love, you know, I love the guy to death. | ||
| He had the capacity to say, I'm sorry. | ||
| Yeah, but you have to find your voice in a podcast. | ||
| You have to figure out how to do it. | ||
| We all had to figure out how to do it right. | ||
| Yeah, but Patrice would have been great on this podcast. | ||
| He would have been amazing on this podcast. | ||
| Oh, he would have been amazing on this podcast. | ||
| Patrice was a genius at like... | ||
| Having an idea and putting it your way and then letting you kind of go and then just slamming it and going this, this, this. | ||
| He was so brilliant, but trust me, I listened to a lot of his podcasts and it was... | ||
| It was early days. | ||
| I remember I got a compliment from Attell in 05 and I was like, oh my god. | ||
| That could not have been a bigger compliment. | ||
| And then the next year, 06, he came through. | ||
| I love this. | ||
| And he was like, he requested me. | ||
| I got a call. | ||
| They're like, he requested you. | ||
| And I was like, oh my god. | ||
| And then after one of the shows, he was like, you don't have a new 20 minutes? | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| And he's like, what, do you want to be like an actor or something? | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| Like it went from the highest high to like, oh shit. | ||
| But also good tough love. | ||
| Oh, of course it was. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It was super good. | ||
| He does tough love to himself. | ||
| I had him in here the other day. | ||
| The toughest love to himself. | ||
| He's so self-deprecating and so humble. | ||
| It's like, dude, you're one of the greatest of all time. | ||
| He is the best, I mean, I'm not saying this lightly, the best comic in the world. | ||
| He is the best comic in the world. | ||
| He's consistently every night. | ||
| Certainly up there. | ||
| He's certainly up there with the greats of all time. | ||
| We did Rochester, and it was, you know, in the... | ||
| There's a whole city behind you. | ||
| No comic thought to use the city landscape as tags for jokes. | ||
| And Attell went up and he said, you know the kind of guy that goes to Monroe Community College? | ||
| And we turn around and there's a huge sign that the audience sees right above. | ||
| Oh, if you don't like that joke, just pray to the glowing cross up on the mountain. | ||
| And there's a cross up there. | ||
| I mean, he just worked so seamlessly, worked the city landscape into his bit. | ||
| Dude, he did sit stuff that weekend, I still haven't seen people do, which is like, we were doing like six show weekends at Brea, and Thursday, he would do, you know, his set, and there'd be like this joke, whatever, 20 minutes in, that kills, and then Friday early show, there'd be a different punchline that would do worse, So Friday Late Show, I would listen, and it would be that joke again. | ||
| He didn't do the Thursday night one that killed it. | ||
| He tried yet another one. | ||
| Yeah, and I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| And he was doing this throughout his set all the time. | ||
| He was never satisfied, even if it was doing well. | ||
| He's always tweaking the exact words. | ||
| And then he was recording them. | ||
| Exact words. | ||
| I'd never seen somebody switch out the jokes. | ||
| He just doesn't self-promote at all. | ||
| No. | ||
| He also has a joke structure that's different than everybody, where we'll do tag, tag, tag, right? | ||
| And then the next level is tag, tag, up, up, like change the game on the third tag. | ||
| He does tag, change the game slightly, and then go ridiculous on the third. | ||
| In a way that you gotta get the audience along with you for that, and he does it. | ||
| He's a master, and he's one of those guys that quit drinking and actually got better. | ||
| Everyone quits drinking and gets better. | ||
| You too? | ||
| I'm such a better comic when I don't drink. | ||
| I don't drink on stage, but the laziness of the drinking in between, lack of motivation, lack of looking at my sets, lack of focus, it shows up and it rears its head. | ||
| I think it's fun to get drunk on stage every now and then and fuck your act up and try to figure it out in the moment or get high and do that. | ||
| But for the most part, I have to do stand-up sober. | ||
| I have to dial in. | ||
| There's weaknesses. | ||
| I was going back from Jackson getting ready for my special, and I was like, I'll get high on the road home with Adrian. | ||
| And then I was like, no, I know what else is going to happen if I get high. | ||
| I'll go home and watch TV. And if I don't get high, I'll go work on some of those taglines. | ||
| Damn, that's the opposite with me. | ||
| When I get home from a gig, I spark up a joint and sit in front of the computer. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That's my favorite time to write. | ||
| Like, right after I get off stage, because I'm fresh. | ||
| I just got off stage, and I have these ideas in my head, and everyone's asleep in my house. | ||
| So I just fucking open up the patio door, spark one up, and I get nervous and crazy and fucking paranoid, and then I run up in front of the computer and start writing. | ||
| That's a good habit. | ||
| You have a different motivation than other people. | ||
| You probably go on stage as a millionaire more than any millionaire in the world. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| There's not a lot of millionaires doing what you do. | ||
| You gotta work out, man. | ||
| You gotta do what got you to the dance. | ||
| I'd never stop. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| You have to do clubs. | ||
| I do little shitty shows. | ||
| I do everything. | ||
| When I landed, I texted. | ||
| I was like, I'm going to bed. | ||
| And then you were like, do a spot. | ||
| And I was like, I can't not do a spot. | ||
| I can write it off and go... | ||
| We shamed you. | ||
| I was texting with you when I was talking to Ari. | ||
| I was like, fuck, Bert's going to sleep. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Emily will shame me. | ||
| She'll be like, hey, I won't call him for my avails at the store if I'm home. | ||
| And she'll just be like... | ||
| We have availability on Tuesday, and then as soon as I get that I go, I have to do it. | ||
| I have to do it. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| It's like, you gotta put in the work, man. | ||
| It's like there's no substitute for stage time. | ||
| There's no substitute for sets. | ||
| Like when you get in shape, one of the things that I realize when I do like a long tour, I really realized that for the first time when I did the Charlie Murphy tour, because we did 22 dates in a month. | ||
| So we were constantly on the road, and god damn, and I was talking to Red Band about this. | ||
| He's like, dude, there's something that happened to you, like around the 10th show. | ||
| You just got into this zone where you just, and you're in that right now because you're killing it. | ||
| We did like 24 shows last month, something like that. | ||
| Now you're just like, you know it. | ||
| There's no substitute for that. | ||
| I can do shit with this set right now where I can rearrange the whole order and then play the game in my head of figuring out what I haven't done yet. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Taking all the fight while you're killing with a bit going, what should I do next? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's kind of fun to do. | ||
| Have you switched your opener up? | ||
| All the time. | ||
| And closer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, Louis said to do that. | ||
| He said, develop a closing bit and then put it in the first part of your act. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he goes, and then you have to follow it. | ||
| And he goes, and so Louis developed a whole hour in three months. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he said he just developed 20 minutes, and then when he got that 20 minutes, he threw it away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like, okay, that works now. | ||
| He's so disciplined in doing this. | ||
| People say, you know, they'll... | ||
| Because the hardest thing to do is go to the Vulcan or the store. | ||
| It's a hot crowd. | ||
| And to not go like, I'm going to go up there. | ||
| I just want to do well. | ||
| And he will deal with not doing well to figure out stuff, to do work. | ||
| It's the only way. | ||
| He knows the path of it. | ||
| He knows, yeah. | ||
| It's the only way. | ||
| It's fucking hard to do. | ||
| Is there a moment when you start a bit that you know is not that good yet? | ||
| It's like, I was killing last night and I threw this bit up there. | ||
| I'm like, I know this is not right. | ||
| I saw it. | ||
| I saw it. | ||
| I saw it go like this. | ||
| I heard it. | ||
| And then it's just a... | ||
| It's like, this is going to be something someday. | ||
| But right now, it's just like, bear with me. | ||
| There's something to this. | ||
| It's got a beginning and it doesn't have an end. | ||
| Because you're all in writing mode right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have 11 new minutes. | ||
| That's exciting, though. | ||
| You did an hour of change last night. | ||
| Yeah, I did an hour 20. But I have 11 of it that's new. | ||
| And then five more that I'm scared to try. | ||
| It's just like I know it's like it eats shit. | ||
| And you're like, do I think I should eat it right now? | ||
| You know what I gotta do is a smaller place where it's not like a bunch of murderers. | ||
| Because last night was like Murderer's Row. | ||
| Everyone was just killing them. | ||
| That's a pop of the store now. | ||
| I say you can't go in between Fitzsimmons and Rogan and just bring out a notebook. | ||
| You can, but... | ||
| It's just like not the best environment for it. | ||
| Dude, nobody turns over an hour like Chappelle. | ||
| I have to see him live. | ||
| I have to see him live. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| We did this show in Columbus. | ||
| You've never seen Chappelle live? | ||
| Saw him do some spots in Boston Comedy Club when I was a kid, but I've never seen him do live since I've been a comedian. | ||
| We did an arena two weeks ago in Columbus, and I was in Ohio, that's where he lives, a couple hours from his house. | ||
| He drove, and he got there four minutes before he went on stage. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, and I wasn't sure if he was going to go up, so I told Tony, I go, you might be bringing me up, you might be bringing Dave up. | ||
| And so Dave shows up, he rolls in, he's like, ah, sunglasses on, and he goes on stage. | ||
| You want to see something crazy? | ||
| This is the audience not knowing that he's going to be there. | ||
| And then I walked with him to the stage and shined a light to Tony. | ||
| This is a fucking sold-out arena. | ||
| And play this, because this is... | ||
| I got blue scars. | ||
| The audience doesn't know that he's there yet. | ||
| So now they see him. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Dude, it is a one minute standing ovation. | ||
| That's OSU's arena? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am losing their fucking minds. | |
| That's wild. | ||
| Me and Tony sat in the tunnel before you go on stage just watching this. | ||
| It was like, this is magic, man. | ||
| This is like the Beatles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's incredible. | |
| That's incredible. | ||
| How long did he do? | ||
| 40 minutes? | ||
| 30 minutes? | ||
| Something like that? | ||
| It was fucking incredible. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He crushed. | ||
| But it wasn't just that. | ||
| It was the moment. | ||
| Because he's an Ohio guy, right? | ||
| So he's in Ohio. | ||
| And he's their own. | ||
| And he's the GOAT. And he gets on stage and they went fucking crazy. | ||
| That's rad. | ||
| He's brought a little bit back of that 1970s Elvis, Richard Pryor movie star. | ||
| That cool you can't manufacture. | ||
| Yeah, but that's really him, too. | ||
| He's such a good guy. | ||
| He's such a good guy, too. | ||
| He's such a fucking good person. | ||
| He has a comedian's ball every year, besides pandemic. | ||
| He just has a... | ||
| He rents out a place. | ||
| Every comedian in New York is invited. | ||
| And he has someone at the door who knows all the comedians in New York. | ||
| High level, low level. | ||
| Open bar. | ||
| Come have a great time on Dave. | ||
| And what does he do? | ||
| Does he do a show? | ||
| No. | ||
| Just hangs out? | ||
| He gets up. | ||
| He says... | ||
| He said like two minutes of words, whatever. | ||
| He puts on... | ||
| He used to have at the box. | ||
| So it was all these like weird like burlesque performers and stuff. | ||
| He just has an event. | ||
| He goes talk to each other. | ||
| Talk about comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You guys are all the future. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Enjoy. | ||
| He threw this after party in New York that I went to after we did the... | ||
| Radio City? | ||
| No, we did The Garden. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he did... | ||
| They're like, oh, he's having a party at this thing, and the parties are so much better than... | ||
| He had a movie! | ||
| Remember Dave Spell's Block Party? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I went to see that in a movie theater. | ||
| They were wild. | ||
| That's fucking incredible. | ||
| And he makes that announcement. | ||
| He gets on the mic. | ||
| There's a DJ there. | ||
| There's celebrities, but there's just regular people. | ||
| He's just like, put your phones away. | ||
| When he says something like, we don't take pictures, we make memories. | ||
| Stop taking pictures. | ||
| He's so cool. | ||
| Everybody just hangs out. | ||
| It's a great time for comedy. | ||
| He also, what you're saying, looking at it from the audience's point of view, he puts on a show. | ||
| I went to see Free Ticket, Live Nation friend Chris Burns was like, we want to go see his movie at Madison Square Garden. | ||
| I was like, okay. | ||
| But I know the tickets were like $100. | ||
| I'm like, to see a movie? | ||
| No. | ||
| Jeff Ross, Ronnie Chang, Jabberwockies, the movie, who's the guy who sings, Woo Ha, what's his name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Buster Ryan. | |
| Busta Rhymes, Fat Joe, Jon Stewart. | ||
| All performed? | ||
| Him, Jon Stewart and him together. | ||
| It's like, oh, right. | ||
| That's a bargain show. | ||
| But that's the thing. | ||
| Look, if you're performing, that's where Chappelle's killing it. | ||
| I don't think anyone goes to see a Dave Chappelle show and doesn't talk about it for a month. | ||
| Have such a good time. | ||
| I mean, it's like, you know, especially the shows you two were doing when you guys did the Tacoma Dome for 33,000 people. | ||
| 25. I would have just let me go with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't lie. | |
| We broke the attendance record. | ||
| So the 33 breaks at 2. Just let it go. | ||
| No. | ||
| 25 is crazy enough. | ||
| I don't think he's looking at it as just what he does, but that's where his head is. | ||
| That block party was so next level. | ||
| You guys broke it in New Orleans, too. | ||
| Yeah, we broke the attendance record there, too. | ||
| It was pretty nuts. | ||
| Yeah, we've had some wild shows. | ||
| Me and him together are really fun, man. | ||
| It's like, they're events, man. | ||
| There's something special about it. | ||
| Hey, Jamie, that's a great hat. | ||
| I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge it. | ||
| Me and Jay. | ||
| I gotta run, though. | ||
| I gotta go to the airport. | ||
| Yeah, it's 12. I have to go to the airport. | ||
| All right. | ||
| All right, boys. | ||
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| I'll be in Philadelphia, Portland, Tampa, Salt Lake City, and Dallas coming up. | ||
| What'd you want to say? | ||
| You guys tonight. | ||
| I'm worried about you guys tonight. | ||
| You're worried. | ||
| You're going to Roger Waters. | ||
| He's worried that you guys are going to fall off. | ||
| No, but here's the deal. | ||
| One small piece of paper. | ||
| One very small piece of paper. | ||
| All I need, all I need, all we need is 100% transparency. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| If something happens, it happens. | ||
| I'm going pretty, I'm going clean this month. | ||
| But if you guys smoke marijuana, I will not hold it against you. | ||
| I don't want you to think your month's over. | ||
| Are you giving us a free pass? | ||
| I will tell you this. | ||
| I'll tell you this much. | ||
| If you invited me and I went tonight, I would definitely smoke weed. | ||
| I would, without a doubt. | ||
| You want to go tonight? | ||
| I got a fucking show in Youngstown. | ||
| I would go tonight too if I weren't flying out. | ||
| I'd love to go see you. | ||
| So all I'm saying is marijuana's not alcohol. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| And you're going to see Pink Floyd. | ||
| We only put marijuana in just to fuck with Joe that first year. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think Joe needs to address his addiction. | ||
| Pray for Joe. | ||
| I already addressed it. | ||
| I think you should be allowed to do an edible. | ||
| Something acid, edible, mushrooms. | ||
| Mushrooms, acid, I don't count as sobriety at all. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I've never counted mushrooms. | ||
| I mean, neither has... | ||
| I think AA totally looks past those. | ||
| Well, AA was founded by a guy who did acid. | ||
| That's why you quit doing alcohols by acid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm never doing acid or mushrooms. | ||
| That's not in my wheelhouse. | ||
| I'm probably not. | ||
| Never? | ||
| Never? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why? | ||
| What? | ||
| I just don't, it's not where I want to be. | ||
| Come at me, Joe. | ||
| What do you mean where you want to be? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't have that brain. | ||
| We're like, what the fuck? | ||
| Clear? | ||
| I did it a few weeks ago. | ||
| What? | ||
| Acid? | ||
| Acid. | ||
| I did ayahuasca. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I swear to God. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| I swear. | ||
| Acid and ayahuasca a few weeks ago? | ||
| No, not acid. | ||
| I did mushrooms, ayahuasca. | ||
| Wait. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, I did it. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| That's what I did. | ||
| Are you lying right now? | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| When did you do ayahuasca? | ||
| It was here. | ||
| I did it with a private shaman. | ||
| How was it? | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| This is a bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not a bit. | |
| Not a bit. | ||
| How long did it last? | ||
| I took it around 4.30 p.m. | ||
| and I was tripping balls until like 2.30 in the morning. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where'd you do it? | ||
| I got a suite at a place, like a private place. | ||
| Wait, why did you do it? | ||
| Because I just thought I heard great things about it. | ||
| Yeah, no one has a bad time. | ||
| How do you bring this up at the end of a goddamn podcast? | ||
| Well, because you just said that you were going to be gay and I didn't want you to be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| I'll set it up for you. | ||
| No fucking way. | ||
| Last thing I want to see is a snake eat me. | ||
| No, it's not like that. | ||
| It was peaceful, no panic, no anxiety, no paranoia. | ||
| You feel clean? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Did you see anything that you want to talk about? | ||
| No, I mean, I did go for a walk at like 1.30 in the morning on these private grounds, and I thought I saw a fox on this path, and I was like... | ||
| That's a spirit animal. | ||
| Well, no, it was a cat, a wild cat, but I didn't know, I couldn't make out what it was, and it froze me for a second, but it was real. | ||
| What do you think your spirit animal is? | ||
| I think it has to be a bear. | ||
| Mine's a bear, and if you want to get merch, go to YMHstudios.com. | ||
| Hey, hold on. | ||
| I know you have to leave, but wait, hold on. | ||
| So wait, did Push do it? | ||
| No, just me. | ||
| You just did it by yourself? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, you are a fucking psycho. | ||
| That's great, man. | ||
| Bring me next time. | ||
| I want to talk to you about it. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| I'll set it up. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| We could do it as like a group even. | ||
| Let's fucking go. | ||
| Let's fucking not. | ||
| I'm in Oklahoma City. | ||
| Okay, you don't have to, Bert. | ||
| I think we should. | ||
| You should put the Kool-Aid aside for a night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want to talk to you about it. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Ari, what's your spirit animal? | ||
| The shaman I had was throwing this waxy stuff into the fire and you'll see shapes and stuff and every once in a while I'll throw more in there and I saw a fucking weird poodle. | ||
| Maybe it's that. | ||
| Or an aardvark. | ||
| Maybe an aardvark because of my nose. | ||
| Ari the poodle. | ||
| I don't know, but I don't know what spirit animal is. | ||
| What's your animal? | ||
| Yeah, what's yours? | ||
| It's gotta be a wolf. | ||
| Chipmunk. | ||
| I think it's probably a wolf. | ||
| Surprising. | ||
| Gorilla. | ||
| Wild chimp. | ||
| I had a dream once where I was a wolf. | ||
| I had a dream when I could smell rain. | ||
| It was me and some other animals, and we were closing in on a deer, and we could smell rain. | ||
| I remember smelling things. | ||
| There's no way you could smell it. | ||
| And then I woke up, because I realized that I was doing it. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| It was too real. | ||
| But it was like in a rain forest. | ||
| And I could smell things that I just could not... | ||
| There's no way you could smell it. | ||
| I could smell fear. | ||
| We were looking at this animal and we're communicating telepathically, me and these other animals. | ||
| I think it was a wolf. | ||
| But I remember smelling rain. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| I could smell the rain. | ||
| I could smell fear. | ||
| I could smell this animal's anxiety as it's moving slowly through the bushes, like trying to avoid predators. | ||
| And I was like, this is too real. | ||
| And I woke up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I promise you'd like this experience. | ||
| I will not. | ||
| And we will be talking about this next week on Two Bears One Cave. | ||
| You can't drink for eight days after this. | ||
| Do not talk to anyone else about this. | ||
| Do you understand me? | ||
| Fucks it up. | ||
| Still working in your system. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Fucks what up? | ||
| Fucks up the effects. | ||
| And the guy told me, he was like, don't fuck with it. | ||
| No sex, no alcohol. | ||
| You're going to say I'm fine. | ||
| Don't fuck with it. | ||
| This is how well I know Tom. | ||
| He's been antsy about leaving for the last 20 minutes because I've been watching you do your little knee thing where you're like... | ||
| We've got a show. | ||
| We've got things to do. | ||
| Boys, I love you. | ||
| Love you guys. | ||
| Love you very much. | ||
| Have a good time tonight. | ||
| We're going to have a good time tonight. | ||
| Have fun. | ||
| Eat an edible. |
Export Selection