Oct. 6, 2021 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:32:02
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Why the fuck would anybody interrupt your show to do that? | |
| Because they're crazy. | ||
| That is such a dumb thing to do. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Interrupt a performance. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To move a bottle off a stool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like as if someone's at home going, well, I was enjoying a performance. | ||
| She was very funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that bottle. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, there would have been millions of people who would have been upset about the bottle. | ||
| So it makes sense. | ||
| Was it a product placement thing? | ||
| Was there a label on the bottle that was a problem? | ||
| No, it just was bothering someone that there was a bottle in the way. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| This is why it's a problem when you have executives and too many cooks in the kitchen. | ||
| I agree completely. | ||
| I was so pissed. | ||
| I literally went to the microphone and said, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. | ||
| That was what I said. | ||
| They should have left the whole thing in. | ||
| Like, the person coming on the stage, taking off the bottle, and showing, like, what other art form would be disrespected like that? | ||
| Could you imagine Eric Clapton in the middle of a solo performance, and someone comes out and moves a bottle? | ||
| What the fuck are you doing up here? | ||
| Why are you here? | ||
| Because we're just animals. | ||
| We're clowns. | ||
| They just literally... | ||
| And it scared the shit out of me, by the way, because I'm so traumatized and I'm physically a traumatized person. | ||
| So when my manager tapped my back, I'm in the middle of performing. | ||
| In front of a fucking crowd. | ||
| I mean, think about it. | ||
| You're on stage and you feel someone's hand on you. | ||
| I was like, am I going to be raped? | ||
| What is happening? | ||
| What is happening? | ||
| The fact that they chose to do it in the middle of your performance. | ||
| Five minutes in. | ||
| And I was killing. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Killing. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| And tap you on the shoulder. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Not even yell out to you. | ||
| Jessie, we're going to start. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're going to stop. | |
| I felt a hand on me. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What if you died? | |
| And I go, what the fuck? | ||
| What if you had a fucking heart attack and dropped her right there? | ||
| My kids would have been set for life. | ||
| Actually, that would have been a great thing if that happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Comedy Central probably has some good lawyers. | ||
| Isn't that Viacom? | ||
| It would have been a great story. | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| I mean, I was right about to, you know, things were going great at that point in my career. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Motherfuckers. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| Ugh. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| And I literally was just like, I'm gonna fucking kill myself. | ||
| This business is horrific. | ||
| I was doing a special once and I always do my specials with the same director. | ||
| He's a very good friend of mine. | ||
| I've known him forever. | ||
| And we do all the specials together. | ||
| But one special he could not do because he had a previous engagement. | ||
| There's no way he could cancel it. | ||
| So we brought in someone else. | ||
| And we told the guy exactly how we wanted to do it. | ||
| Like, keep it like a comedy club, make it very dark in there. | ||
| And then, you know, he was like, what about crowd shots? | ||
| I'm like, we're not going to use them. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| I don't like seeing people's faces. | ||
| They're like, what about for editing? | ||
| I'm like, we're not going to do that. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| In the middle of my performance, this motherfucker turns the lights up. | ||
| He's turning the lights up more and more. | ||
| And my manager has to go back and yell at him. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| He's like, we gotta see the crowd. | ||
| Like, he fucking told you to keep... | ||
| And then after all this shit is over, after all it's over, we're done. | ||
| I'm like, okay, fine. | ||
| We're fine. | ||
| He's like, I think we should do this in black and white. | ||
| I'm like, get the fuck away from me! | ||
| The fuck away from me! | ||
| Subtitles with Chinese. | ||
| He's got a trucker hat on. | ||
| He's like, really think we should make this in black and white? | ||
| Yeah, he's clever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then they're like, can you do the material over? | ||
| I'm like, are you out of your mind? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| No! | ||
| Oh my god, can you do the material over? | ||
| No! | ||
| Hey clown, do you know that juggling thing you did? | ||
| Juggle again. | ||
| Juggle again, clown. | ||
| Actually, Burr did one of his best specials in black and white. | ||
| I'm not shitting on black and white specials, but that this guy's artistic jizz that he wanted to throw into the soup was to turn my special black and white. | ||
| This is his goofy fucking idea. | ||
| Let's make it like a Western kind of thing. | ||
| Hey, maybe you should wear chaps. | ||
| I bet he talked like that. | ||
| No, he's like a regular guy. | ||
| It's just, you know what? | ||
| Everyone's always trying to, first of all, if you're not a comic and you don't have a long history of studying and appreciating stand-up comedy specials, You're just filming something, right? | ||
| You might be filming a sketch, you might be filming a television show, you're just filming something. | ||
| And it happens to be someone doing stand-up, if you're not really into stand-up. | ||
| Or if you don't really study stand-up comedy specials. | ||
| But if you do, you recognize that what you're trying to emulate for the people at home is a version of what it would be like to be in that audience. | ||
| So what I always say is... | ||
| When you're watching a comedy show at home, you get maybe 60 or 70% of what you would get if you were there. | ||
| You're missing a giant piece of the interaction with the audience, the feel, right? | ||
| The energy, for sure. | ||
| So anytime you add more shit to that... | ||
| You just fuck it up. | ||
| You just keep fucking it up. | ||
| And you keep fucking it up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As simple as possible. | ||
| Like Louis C.K. does his specials. | ||
| He's just standing there. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's like a fucking regular... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| I was worried I was going to spill whiskey over here. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| And he just stands there. | ||
| And it's just, there's nothing special about his backdrop. | ||
| There's nothing special about the stage. | ||
| Like some of his best specials, you see like curtains and like fucking wires and shit. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| You're watching a comic just like you would be if you were in the theater. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| I mean, less is better with specials. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These motherfuckers. | |
| It was a nightmare. | ||
| And then, of course, because it was on Comedy Central, it was on once. | ||
| This is the thing. | ||
| Everyone was like, the fact that you can't get a special is fucking crazy. | ||
| And I agreed. | ||
| I am very humble, but the fact that I couldn't get a special was insane. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| That's very, very funny. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| So Bill called me and was like, I'm producing your special. | ||
| I'm like, great. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I mean, it was just insane. | ||
| So then they put it on once. | ||
| Like, all that material I worked on for years. | ||
| It was on one time. | ||
| And it's probably on the Comedy Central app now? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Who goes on that? | ||
| There's like five people on that. | ||
| They're downloading South Park right now for a plane trip. | ||
| The problem with all these fucking apps and streaming services, it's like there's so many of them and they all cost like ten bucks. | ||
| Right. | ||
| How many of them are you going to have? | ||
| You have Hulu and you got Disney and you got ESPN Plus and HBO Max. | ||
| What the fuck else are you going to get? | ||
| No one watched it. | ||
| Netflix. | ||
| You're not going to keep buying them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Seven people watch my special. | ||
| The only one that's free, I think, is Amazon, right? | ||
| Isn't Amazon Prime, isn't that free? | ||
| You have to have a subscription to Amazon, and it's included with that. | ||
| But does Amazon cost money? | ||
| Amazon Prime subscription? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they all cost money. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| It's like $10 a month or $100 a year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, is it? | ||
| They all cost money. | ||
| Everything costs money. | ||
| Yeah, so how many are you going to sign up for? | ||
| If you're a person that's, you know, you're trying to watch your budget. | ||
| Like, I have a lot of friends that just have Netflix. | ||
| Nothing else. | ||
| They have an internet connection and Netflix. | ||
| That's their whole... | ||
| If it's not on Netflix, they don't watch it. | ||
| Yeah, people are like, how can I find your special? | ||
| I'm like, don't worry about it. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| Don't even... | ||
| Why doesn't someone, like, bootleg it and put it up on YouTube? | ||
| I cut it into clips. | ||
| I was like, I don't even care if this is legal or not. | ||
| I'm fucking cutting it up and I'm putting it out. | ||
| And I did. | ||
| You should pretend somebody else did it. | ||
| I mean someone else. | ||
| Could you take out that part? | ||
| Someone else got it up. | ||
| You know the thing is like a lot of comics have had great success just making their own specials and putting it on YouTube and the amount of views, like Joe List, his new special has 5 million views. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's amazing because he would have been in a similar situation to you. | ||
| Had he gone and brought that same special to Comedy Central, it probably would have aired once or twice, and that's a wrap. | ||
| And then maybe, how many people? | ||
| A hundred thousand? | ||
| A couple hundred thousand would have seen it if you're lucky? | ||
| I don't even think that many, Joe. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| I don't think so either. | ||
| When you see the ratings today for cable shows, it's crazy. | ||
| Everybody's been sucked up by the internet. | ||
| The internet has consumed most people's viewing time. | ||
| Yeah, the next one I'm doing on my own in like six months. | ||
| I've been thinking about doing the same. | ||
| You should? | ||
| Are you kidding? | ||
| Yeah, but my worry is if you do something controversial and it's on YouTube and then YouTube decides to pull it down. | ||
| Because YouTube's been censoring things like crazy. | ||
| I know, that's the new thing now. | ||
| Yeah, it's insane. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| It's like they just decide to censor things based on ideology or based on what they think, you know, it could be like what the current science is. | ||
| Like for the longest time, If you had a video on that talked about the lab leak hypothesis, Facebook would just remove it. | ||
| They would just take it down. | ||
| But now that's the primary hypothesis about how COVID got leaked. | ||
| It's from a lab. | ||
| Most scientists believe that now. | ||
| But if you went back a year ago, When this was all going on, and especially when Trump was president, nobody believed it. | ||
| Everybody was like, this is a terrible, dangerous conspiracy theory. | ||
| And if you have this up, we're going to delete things. | ||
| And so they're doing that with all kinds of stuff on YouTube. | ||
| And it's not just having to do with COVID. It's having to do with all kinds of things in politics and anything where they find that what you're doing doesn't fit into their narrow, rigid box of what's acceptable. | ||
| Yeah, isn't there a way for you to do it not on YouTube for free? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Not as effectively. | ||
| I mean, I could put it on Vimeo. | ||
| I could put it on... | ||
| There's a bunch of other... | ||
| What is that one? | ||
| Bumblebee? | ||
| What is that one? | ||
| Bumblebee? | ||
| That's a dating website. | ||
| That's Tuna. | ||
| Rumble, yeah. | ||
| Right, Bumblebee Tuna. | ||
| Is it Bumblebee Tuna? | ||
| I'm so out of it. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I love that song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember that? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| We're old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah, I love that song. | |
| That's an amazing song. | ||
| I used to hear it on the radio. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It got me excited. | |
| Harvey and I used to dance to that in the kitchen. | ||
| There's Rumble and Odyssey is another one. | ||
| Vimeo's good. | ||
| Yeah, Vimeo's good. | ||
| But the thing is, in terms of traffic, no one can fuck with YouTube. | ||
| I know, but with you especially, I feel like they would go right to that special and look at it and be like, I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Maybe they'd be like, fuck him. | ||
| With comics, I don't know. | ||
| They're on us like flies on shit right now. | ||
| Well, we're in this weird class of humans that are allowed to talk shit and we can say things that we don't really mean that are completely the opposite of what you're supposed to be allowed to say. | ||
| I know. | ||
| We're just talking out of our asses. | ||
| We're doing it because the same reason I always say when Quentin Tarantino has someone murdered in a movie, that's not real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, right? | |
| No one really died. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Bob Marley didn't shoot the sheriff. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| We're not really saying what we're saying. | ||
| We're saying it because it's a funny thing to say. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I have a joke that I took ecstasy and motorboated my Aunt Sheila. | ||
| And people moan in the audience. | ||
| I'm like, do you really think that I motorboated my aunt? | ||
| Like, it's so... | ||
| A lot of people are like googling motorboating. | ||
| I'm like, no, I didn't. | ||
| Right. | ||
| No, I didn't put my face in my aunt's tits. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| You know, I didn't do it. | ||
| You believe everything I'm saying. | ||
| Like they just believe everything. | ||
| It's comedy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's all an exaggeration. | ||
| But this thing, this art form has been around for a long time in the same way, like where people talk shit and they said crazy things that everybody knew. | ||
| But somewhere along the line over the last, like, I don't know how many years, people decide to try to take it literally just to attack people. | ||
| Well, everyone's gotten really serious. | ||
| That's what's happened. | ||
| People are really, they're not silly. | ||
| Most people are not silly. | ||
| There's a lot of bad comedians that have turned into social commentators. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And it's stunning. | ||
| It's stunning how transparent it is and what astounding lack of self-awareness they're exhibiting. | ||
| Isn't it scary? | ||
| I don't think you do this, but I've sat at some clubs and just given people a chance. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| I've sat with a couple of my friends and been like, let's just try and just sit and watch. | ||
| Because I laugh at a lot of comics, but sometimes I've been like, this person gets a lot of laughs and I don't get it, so let me just sit and try to understand what's going on. | ||
| And I don't understand why the crowd is laughing at what they're saying, but I I've come to realize that I think a lot of it is confidence and they're a salesperson. | ||
| And even though the jokes are, there's nothing there and it's like really just clever and just, you know, kind of like a monologue, they're good salespeople. | ||
| Well, you can't hate people for charisma. | ||
| Right. | ||
| My concern is not even them. | ||
| My concern is there's a lot of people on the sidelines that are talking crazy amounts of shit and they're terrible. | ||
| They're just, they're terrible. | ||
| They're not good at the art form. | ||
| What kind of things are you hearing that's... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They're not good at it. | ||
| And they want to criticize people who are touring. | ||
| You shouldn't be touring. | ||
| It's a pandemic. | ||
| They want to criticize people... | ||
| Well, that made me crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| I have four children. | ||
| And when people were... | ||
| When I decided that I needed to go out and work in a safe way, and people were saying stuff like that, I got really pissed. | ||
| And who were those people? | ||
| Was it Chris Rock? | ||
| Was it Louis CK? It was Bruce Valanche. | ||
| No, I'm joking. | ||
| It's people that don't work anyway. | ||
| No, right. | ||
| It was very upsetting. | ||
| I don't feel that I have the right to judge anyone for anything they do. | ||
| I mean, that's my decision. | ||
| And, you know, for anyone to judge me when I need to work or when I'm going to work, whatever, that's what I need to do. | ||
| You know, I support my family, and I had to get out and start working. | ||
| I had to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These also were people, a lot of times, that didn't have kids, that don't have a family. | ||
| And yeah, it usually was people who weren't working a lot, who weren't on the road. | ||
| What it is is there was a time where everybody's life was shit and everything shut down. | ||
| And then when people started going back, the people whose lives were always shit were like, no, no, no! | ||
| We all stay in this together! | ||
| There was this thing where they didn't want everything to go back to normal. | ||
| And some of them publicly declared it. | ||
| Some of the shittiest people online publicly were declaring that they don't want things to go back to normal. | ||
| Because what they're dealing with is this overwhelming anxiety. | ||
| This chosen profession is not bearing fruit. | ||
| They're in this position where they know it's never really going to work out, but yet they're kind of working, sort of. | ||
| And then they're just shitting on people that are getting out of this slump and moving on with their lives. | ||
| Yeah, I don't get it. | ||
| It's like, it's okay for you and you can choose whatever you want. | ||
| And if you want to stay home, I totally respect that. | ||
| But what does that have to do with me and my life? | ||
| Well, now you're talking like a rational person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Why is someone judging me for my choices? | ||
| I don't judge anyone for their choices. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| I'm a big fan of judging people for their choices. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| No, I'm serious. | ||
| I am too. | ||
| I judge them. | ||
| I just don't, I won't attack them publicly. | ||
| No, I'm saying that, but I think that's what I'm saying. | ||
| Of course I judge people, but like, I would never publicly say about another comic. | ||
| Like, it's like, you know, if someone decides to stay home, great. | ||
| If they decide to go out, great. | ||
| Like, I just, it's not, it's not, I just didn't think it was appropriate to go and be like, how dare you go out and start working? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I got, also I got extra defensive about it because I not only support four kids, but I have a child with a heart disease. | ||
| I don't even know if you know that. | ||
| My five and a half year old has severe heart disease. | ||
| And, you know, we have medical bills. | ||
| I deal with a lot of stuff. | ||
| And I had to get out and work. | ||
| These people have their own experiences. | ||
| You don't know other people's stories. | ||
| And I had people say shit to me. | ||
| Like in New York when I saw them eventually. | ||
| Like, I can't believe you went out and worked. | ||
| I can't believe you got on planes. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| You don't know my story. | ||
| You don't know the bills I have or what I need to do. | ||
| It's so convenient when someone's single and they don't have any real obligation. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's what I'm trying to say. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And after a while, it's like, you know... | ||
| We've got to move on, kids. | ||
| We've got to move on. | ||
| We've got to move on with life. | ||
| It's been almost two years. | ||
| It's time to keep rolling. | ||
| Well, some of us have to move on. | ||
| I mean, I'm incredibly careful myself, but I have to move on. | ||
| Have you seen those helmets that you can get? | ||
| Oh my god, what kind of helmet? | ||
| There's a helmet that you can get, there's like a HEPA filter, it cinches tight around your neck, you look like a space alien, and there's a fan in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, what the hell is that? | |
| Reggie got a better one? | ||
| Go to his Instagram. | ||
| I'm dying to see what this helmet looks like. | ||
| Reggie Watts was the one who told me about this and he actually wore it flying. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| It's like a motorcycle helmet. | ||
| I don't know why I'm already laughing. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Let's look at a video of it. | ||
| Oh, this is his new one? | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| The new one's actually more disturbing. | ||
| Reggie's so crazy. | ||
| He's playing music and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god! | |
| Is that real though? | ||
| Is that what that is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| That's what it's for? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's a video I'm talking with. | ||
| I thought that's what it was going to be. | ||
| Okay, but that one you can see. | ||
| God, he looks better with it. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Here's what I've been talking with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just wanted to let you know. | |
| I finally got this mask that I ordered like, I don't know, six months ago? | ||
| He's a fucking superhero. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's an Avenger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hopefully you can hear me. | |
| And I guess it's called the Vanta... | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Venta RS1 in black. | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| It's got a little filter on the bottom, and it's actually really comfortable, really easy to take on enough. | ||
| Kaboom! | ||
| Pretty cool. | ||
| Anyways, yeah, I like it. | ||
| I don't know how steamy it'll get in there, but it does have anti-fogging, and it really does seem to work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, pretty cool. | |
| All right. | ||
| Well, he had another one, though, the one that we have out there. | ||
| We bought two of them. | ||
| Those are more complicated. | ||
| They actually have fans in them that keep it from steaming up, and it covers your entire head like a space helmet. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And, you know, he was flying on planes with this fucking thing on. | ||
| It cinches tight on your neck, so, like, nothing's getting in there. | ||
| Like, you literally go to a COVID ward and start dancing like those TikTok nurses, and you're good. | ||
| Yeah, that one looked... | ||
| I mean, it's cool, but it looked like you would get... | ||
| I felt suffocated. | ||
| It's sketchy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's a fucking superhero helmet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's like... | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, here it is. | ||
| This is the other one. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
About these sorts of masks, you know, like some kind of gimmick or something like that. | |
| But, uh... | ||
| It's really fun. | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| It doesn't fog up. | ||
| I'll get out into more light. | ||
| You hear the fan? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's got a fan rolling on it. | ||
| You charge it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's pretty comfortable. | |
| I have to grab my groceries. | ||
| Do you know Reggie? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I don't know him well. | ||
| I've met him, but I think he's brilliant. | ||
| He's brilliant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a brilliant human. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A brilliant artist, brilliant musician, but just a brilliant human. | ||
| A super unusual person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love people like that. | ||
| I don't know anybody like Reggie. | ||
| I love people like that. | ||
| No, I do too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he's the guy. | ||
| If you want to find out about COVID masks, he's taking shit to a whole new level. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's like anything anyone wants to do, go for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, if you could travel with that thing on, who's going to knock you? | ||
| I wonder if you could actually do sets with that on. | ||
| I bet you could get a mic in that bitch, right? | ||
| And you'd be on stage like a spaceman. | ||
| Like, if it came to doing stand-up with a mask on or never doing stand-up at all, I would do stand-up with that fucking helmet on. | ||
| Are you kidding? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| And an outfit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How much time did you take off? | ||
| I didn't. | ||
| I'm crazy. | ||
| You just performed the whole time? | ||
| I took a little time off and then I did Zoom shows. | ||
| I can't take a lot of time off because I'll go out of my mind. | ||
| I'm like an animal. | ||
| Zoom shows are deaf. | ||
| It was horrible. | ||
| But I also did shows. | ||
| Well, Rachel Feinstein and I, who's amazing, made a prank album during that time. | ||
| So we just pranked businesses through the whole thing. | ||
| It just came out Friday. | ||
| It's called Call Girls, and it was hilarious. | ||
| That's a great name. | ||
| Isn't that a great name? | ||
| A fan thought of it. | ||
| Do you remember the Jerky Boys? | ||
| Yes, it's like that. | ||
| We called businesses and harassed them throughout all of COVID and we recorded it with Virtual Comedy Network. | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons did that many years ago. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| He recorded a whole album of it and he has this one that I will never forget. | ||
| He called up an auto rental place to tell them that the car that he rented was on fire, and he did it in this heavy Boston accent. | ||
| The car's on fire! | ||
| And then he's telling this story about how he went to the gas station, he filled up pots and pans with gas, and he had it inside the car. | ||
| But my fucking cousin's smoking. | ||
| I forget what the whole story was, but this guy on the other end is like, what the fuck are you saying? | ||
| My car's on fire? | ||
| You would love one. | ||
| I call a GNC and I'm like, hi. | ||
| I call the fat person and I'm like, hi, I need a fat supplement. | ||
| And the guy's like, okay, we have some fat burners. | ||
| And then like middle of the call, I'm like, do you have any roast beef? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I started ordering meat and cheese. | |
| And she's like, Rachel's on the phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's like, we'd like it extra thin, thinly sliced. | |
| And I'm like, do you have any provolone? | ||
| And the guy's like, what are you talking about? | ||
| It's so much fun to make these prank calls. | ||
| Why is that so fun? | ||
| But it is. | ||
| It's because, you know, it's so silly and stupid. | ||
| And that's my thing. | ||
| It's like people need to just get like not think right now. | ||
| And just people are so uptight and just. | ||
| Strong up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's like getting react. | ||
| They don't. | ||
| Also, people don't hang up on certain characters. | ||
| Like the old Jewish women, they never hang up on. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| We called for a massage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, I was like, I'd like a socially distanced massage. | |
| And the woman's like, what are you talking about? | ||
| They have to touch you. | ||
| I'm like, does anyone there have very long arms? | ||
| The thing about prank calls is that the audience is in on it. | ||
| That's why it's so fun. | ||
| Right, you're right. | ||
| Because they know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They know, and the other person doesn't know, so they feel like, ah, I'm in on this. | ||
| Right, that's true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what's exciting about it. | ||
| I did them a lot when I was a kid. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I don't think I did much of that. | ||
| You didn't? | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| I'm trying to remember. | ||
| I probably did a few. | ||
| I think we all did as kids. | ||
| Oh, I used to get high out of my mind and sit with my friends. | ||
| I remember when I was a kid. | ||
| Okay, this I do remember. | ||
| They came up with a new way of finding out who called you. | ||
| You'd press star 69. Yeah. | ||
| Because it used to be when a phone call came in, you had no idea who was calling you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it was just a random gamble to answer the phone. | ||
| But then when people would call and talk shit, you could press star six nine and call them back. | ||
| That was right after the invention of like, you know, like digital lines. | ||
| They had like lines that like when someone would call you, you'd actually see caller ID. I remember that being a revelation. | ||
| This is madness. | ||
| I can see the person. | ||
| Or, here's one, kids. | ||
| Call screening. | ||
| You would let it go to voicemail. | ||
| And then your answering machine would pick up. | ||
| And they'd be like, hi, Jesse, it's Mike. | ||
| You're like, oh, hi, Mike. | ||
| And then you would have this fucking recorded conversation on your answering machine. | ||
| And you'd have to figure out how to shut it off while you're talking to the person. | ||
| How crazy that that was so big. | ||
| We're like... | ||
| This is what our parents used to say. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that was like huge when we were growing up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Giant. | |
| Like call waiting. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And merging a call. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Huge. | ||
| Another person's calling. | ||
| Hold please. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Like, how is this possible? | ||
| I can just call and talk to you forever. | ||
| Have you ever seen any videos of this kid doing pranks at all? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yes, it's hilarious. | ||
| So he dresses up and he'll do a voice changing. | ||
| He sounds like an old woman, but he says he's getting revenge for pranks on his grandmother. | ||
| So he'll try to bait these scammers and keep them online as long as possible. | ||
| And what is this guy's name? | ||
| His name's Kit Boga. | ||
| He does it live on Twitch a lot. | ||
| Kit Boga. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he also is good at hacking and doing things on the computer, so they'll end up getting screen-shared, and he'll convince them that he's buying things and gift cards that they want him to buy. | ||
| That's how the scams kind of go. | ||
| But he acts like he'll completely bait them in. | ||
| He makes them call them back after a couple days because they think that they have a hot fish on the line. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Some of his highlight videos are fucking hilarious. | ||
| He's been doing it for two or three years. | ||
| Y'all have 30,000 people watching this happen live. | ||
| It's pretty funny sometimes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pranks. | ||
| Have you ever seen the ones where they'll call two Asian restaurants and just have them talk to each other? | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| It's his... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello? | |
| Hello? | ||
| You can't even do that anymore. | ||
| That's racist. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I'm gonna get cancelled for what I just did. | ||
| Yeah, you should get cancelled. | ||
| I don't like the way you're saying those words. | ||
| I just said hello. | ||
| Yeah, but I didn't like the undertones. | ||
| Do you feel triggered? | ||
| Yeah, fucking for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello? | |
| Yeah, you can't even do an Asian accent, or you're a bad person. | ||
| But what if that's what they sound like? | ||
| No, you can't imitate it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You have to just give up. | ||
| Like, I give up. | ||
| I do a Jewish grandmother, and I'm Jewish, and I get in trouble. | ||
| You can get away with that, though. | ||
| People get upset with me. | ||
| I was called anti-Semitic on TikTok. | ||
| Did they know that you're Jewish, though? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Well, then they're retarded. | ||
| You can't say that. | ||
| But I did. | ||
| Yeah, but you're not allowed. | ||
| But I'm on Spotify. | ||
| You can get away with it. | ||
| That's a funny bit to just keep going back and forth about words. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't say that, but you can say this? | |
| Yeah, it's a fucking goofy time. | ||
| I mean, it's a goofy time. | ||
| There's a few people that can make fun of everybody, right? | ||
| Like, if you're a black comic, you can definitely make fun of black people and white people. | ||
| And you might dabble in Asian, but you've got to be careful. | ||
| You have to be careful, I think, with that. | ||
| Michael Yeo is black and Asian. | ||
| He calls himself Blasian. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I love that word. | ||
| So he's got free past. | ||
| Both lanes. | ||
| White, Asian, black. | ||
| He's got all three at his disposal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's got it. | ||
| But I don't think that he could make fun of Jude. | ||
| There are some limits. | ||
| If his mom was Jewish, he could do it. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| If he was a Jewish, black, Asian. | ||
| Is that possible? | ||
| Yes, of course. | ||
| Is there a person out there that's a Jewish, black, Asian? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It can be done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a rare combo, though. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| I never thought there were Jewish, Asian people, but I found out recently there are. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| This is a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They must have a really fun Sunday night. | ||
| Jewish people always eat Chinese food on Sunday night. | ||
| Yeah, why is that? | ||
| Why is that a tradition? | ||
| I don't really know, to be honest with you, but it is a tradition. | ||
| Well, it's an East Coast thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huge. | |
| Like, East Coast has amazing Chinese food. | ||
| Amazing, yeah. | ||
| How'd that happen? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe a lot of Chinese people move to the East. | ||
| I'm afraid of saying anything right now that might be considered offensive. | ||
| The thing is, like, the further west you get, the less like, well, that's not true, because Los Angeles, and, well, that's terribly not true, because San Francisco is a huge Chinese community. | ||
| All right, I forget what I said. | ||
| The railroads took them there, you know? | ||
| You ever see those? | ||
| You want to talk about suppression and some horrible history? | ||
| The history of Chinese people that were immigrants in America working on the railroads. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's horrific. | ||
| They built the fucking railroads. | ||
| They built the railroads all the way across America. | ||
| And there's images of Chinese folks working on the railroads from the 1800s and the despair in their eyes, treated horribly, terribly abused. | ||
| What? | ||
| I mean, it's just... | ||
| The history of humans is so terrible. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just like the last hundred years we've been nice to each other. | ||
| I thought the Asian thing was coming up. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| Oh, here, we'll get that. | ||
| History of Jews, Chinese food, and Christmas explained by a rabbi. | ||
| It's because Chinese restaurants are the closest to kosher. | ||
| Oh! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that makes sense. | |
| At least back then. | ||
| The closest to kosher. | ||
| So in terms of kosher law, a Chinese restaurant is a lot safer than an Italian restaurant, Italian food. | ||
| There's a lot of mixing of meat and dairy. | ||
| Chinese restaurant does not mix meat and dairy because Chinese cooking is virtually dairy-free. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| That makes so much sense. | ||
| If Chinese-American cooking, if there's any pork, which is not a kosher food, it's usually concealed inside of something like a wonton. | ||
| A lot of Jews back then and even now kept strict kosher inside the home but were more flexible with food they ate at restaurants. | ||
| See if you can find pictures of Chinese folks working on the railroads because it's one of the darker, more unsung chapters of American history. | ||
| People don't really talk about it that much. | ||
| I read an article many years ago about it. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Building the Transcontinental Railroad, how 20,000 Chinese immigrants made it happen. | ||
| Yeah, it was... | ||
| I don't know how or why... | ||
| I don't remember how or why it was Chinese people, but there's some... | ||
| See if you can find some pictures, because there's some crazy pictures of these folks working there, and it's just like, you see the looks in their faces, and they're Malnourished and hammering fucking spikes into the ground and putting railroad ties down just all the way across America. | ||
| God, it's so... | ||
| People are gross. | ||
| People are horrific. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| Chinese railroad workers, it's hard to see. | ||
| There's one. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| Yeah, they look happy. | ||
| They look fucking so depressed. | ||
| That looks like my audience last night. | ||
| Where were you? | ||
| In my hotel room. | ||
| Did you do a Zoom show? | ||
| In my mind. | ||
| My friend John Heffron did a Zoom show back in the day, like way back in the day. | ||
| He was like one of the first guys to do them before there was ever even a pandemic. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, he would set up these corporate shows and what he would do is he would be in front of a camera and he had like a wall of screens. | ||
| So everyone that was... | ||
| In on this room, he could see their faces and they could see him. | ||
| So it was like as close to a virtual comedy club as you can get. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he said it was a lot of fun. | ||
| I had to get used to doing them, but I had a lot of fun doing them. | ||
| I did a lot of shows for this company, Laugh.Events, which I still do some for them, where companies will hire comics during the day. | ||
| To just, you know, perform for their, because a lot of them are still at home working. | ||
| And it's great, you know. | ||
| It's amazing to do stuff on Zoom. | ||
| I mean, my father passed a year, a month into COVID from cancer, and we had to do a Zoom shiva. | ||
| I mean, my family has laughed, like, so many times from this shiva. | ||
| It was unbelievable. | ||
| All these old Jews talking about my father on the Zoom. | ||
| Like, Jeffrey was a wonderful man! | ||
| Like, their big Jewish faces up in these screens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I knew him from summer camp! | |
| It was so crazy. | ||
| How many faces can you get on a Zoom call? | ||
| Oh my god, hundreds! | ||
| So you'd have to figure out who's talking? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like if you have an iPad, you gotta go like, oh, that's Mike. | ||
| You have to like hit the next page and then look through all the boxes and then, you know, like it lights up. | ||
| But still, you have to keep looking and try to see who's talking. | ||
| So can you press on that box and they go full screen when they're talking? | ||
| You can press on a different, like a thing up top to make it that person is the center of the page. | ||
| How long before we're all standing in front of screens? | ||
| Like when diseases are everywhere and you can't leave your house, we're just standing in front of giant screens and you're gonna talk to everybody like Minority Report. | ||
| Everything's gonna be screen to screen. | ||
| Very little face time. | ||
| I won't be alive at that point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't think so? | |
| I won't make it through at that point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No? | |
| I can't. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That sounds... | ||
| Joe, that sounds... | ||
| This past year and a half was kind of horrible for a lot of people socially. | ||
| Horrible? | ||
| A lot of people like anxiety-ridden people. | ||
| I've never been as depressed as I was during COVID ever in my life. | ||
| I've always been anxious, but I've never been that depressed in my life. | ||
| What did you feel? | ||
| Did you feel like this is not going to get any better? | ||
| Hopeless, completely hopeless. | ||
| I didn't think it was going to go away. | ||
| I didn't think we were going to be able to go out again. | ||
| I can be very negative and go into a dark place and think the worst. | ||
| I started seeing a trauma therapist who sent me to do therapy with a horse. | ||
| This is a true story. | ||
| Equine therapy. | ||
| Have you ever heard of that? | ||
| I have because of Whitney Cummings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right! | |
| Yeah, Whitney owns at least one horse. | ||
| Yeah, she's very into that. | ||
| Well, my mom's a therapist, so my mom suggested a trauma therapist who sent me to do therapy with a horse, and it was supposed to calm me, but I don't know if you realize how big horses are. | ||
| It scared the fucking shit out of me. | ||
| What if you got kicked? | ||
| You go to get therapy? | ||
| No, it was worse. | ||
| First of all, I walked up to this horse. | ||
| It was so big that it traumatized me. | ||
| I'm not saying it to be funny. | ||
| It traumatized me. | ||
| It was like enormous. | ||
| Its cock was out, which I... Well, it didn't turn me on. | ||
| I mean, first of all, I'm gay, so this thing was like fucking huge. | ||
| It was the wiffle bat. | ||
| It was the biggest thing. | ||
| Oh, they're enormous. | ||
| Enormous! | ||
| Do you know about Mr. Hands? | ||
| Who's Mr. Hands? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What? | ||
| There's a documentary called Zoo. | ||
| And Zoo is about people that have zoophilia. | ||
| And it's like, you know, pedophilia. | ||
| They're in their kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Zoophilia, they're in the animals. | ||
| And they're sexually... | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| They're sexually attracted to animals, which is a thing. | ||
| It's like a big thing. | ||
| And so they would find forums. | ||
| And these forums, they would all meet up and go to a place, like a farm, and they would all get fucked by animals. | ||
| And it turns out that- Wait, is this legal? | ||
| In some states. | ||
| It turns out in Washington State, up until this guy died, it was legal. | ||
| And so there's a video out there called Mr. Hands. | ||
| And in this video, this guy is getting fucked by a horse. | ||
| And he eventually wound up dying from getting fucked by a horse. | ||
| The horse ruptured his internal organs. | ||
| How did it fit? | ||
| Oh, it's wild. | ||
| Do you want to see it? | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Yeah, you did your mom's house live. | ||
| Yeah, nothing's worse than what I just watched on your mom's house live. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Nothing can be worse. | ||
| I'm already completely not okay from that. | ||
| So I have the documentary up. | ||
| Where in the documentary is it? | ||
| Well, Zoo is just a documentary. | ||
| What you want is MrHands.mpeg. | ||
| Is everyone watching this from home? | ||
| A lot of people are watching this from home. | ||
| Just Google MrHands.mpeg. | ||
| Was there any kind of lubricant? | ||
| Oh yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, it was all slippery. | ||
| That was one of the dumbest questions I've ever asked anyone. | ||
| No, they use sandpaper. | ||
| It is your arm. | ||
| I have to tell everyone watching, the size of the penis was your arm. | ||
| Yeah, it's enormous. | ||
| I'm afraid it's going to take me. | ||
| But yeah, you can get it there. | ||
| Oh, you're worried about it being a virus? | ||
| This is not on a safe website. | ||
| Not a legit website? | ||
| What about LiveLeak? | ||
| Like somewhere like LiveLeak? | ||
| LiveLeak has all the dark shit. | ||
| You ever go to LiveLeak? | ||
| I've seen... | ||
| It's all car accidents. | ||
| There was a crazy time in my life where I watched beheadings and stuff. | ||
| I was out of my mind. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| That's the video. | ||
| Two Guys, One Horse is the video. | ||
| I know, but it wasn't playing there. | ||
| Two guys, one horse? | ||
| No, the other guy's helping him. | ||
| The other guy helps guide the cock into this guy, Mr. Hand's butt. | ||
| It's a real video. | ||
| Mr. Hand's butt. | ||
| It's one of the craziest videos I've ever seen in my life because you start doing the math. | ||
| Did he die in this video? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| The video is just one of hundreds of hours of footage of this guy getting fucked by horses. | ||
| This guy got fucked by horses all the time. | ||
| What other animals did he have inside of him? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I don't have an answer. | ||
| I wonder what the strangest one was, because it's not a horse. | ||
| That's pretty strange. | ||
| What's stranger than a horse? | ||
| Is a donkey stranger? | ||
| A llama? | ||
| Yeah, that's stranger. | ||
| It's exotic. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Alpaca? | ||
| Those are so cute. | ||
| They are cute. | ||
| Can you imagine its face while it was doing it? | ||
| Probably adorable. | ||
| Probably excited. | ||
| They don't care. | ||
| They don't have any social constructs in their head. | ||
| It's just a warm hole. | ||
| No, they look really dumb. | ||
| It's probably like... | ||
| They're excited. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's trying to blow loads. | ||
| They don't give a fuck if it's a dude's butt or a horse. | ||
| They don't even know what it is. | ||
| Yeah, it's just a hole. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Imagine being a horse. | ||
| You have no ability to jerk yourself off. | ||
| At least a dog can lick its dick. | ||
| Right. | ||
| A horse is fucked. | ||
| You know, you got hooves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You're just horny all the time. | ||
| Yeah, you can't jerk off with a hoof. | ||
| That's painful. | ||
| You can't lick it. | ||
| You can't even get back to there. | ||
| You're not built for it. | ||
| And sticking it in a bucket, it's a huge space that's not tight enough. | ||
| Not enough. | ||
| You got it? | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| Hold on. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So, start from the beginning. | ||
| Start from the beginning. | ||
| How long is this? | ||
| It doesn't take long. | ||
| Horses come quick. | ||
| So, let's get some volume. | ||
| Oh, they took the volume out. | ||
| Look, he guides it into this dude's butt. | ||
| Now, watch this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| My. | ||
| God. | ||
| Now, he's trying to hold it back, which is hilarious. | ||
| Look at this guy's got all these anal piercings and stuff. | ||
| But watch how far it goes in. | ||
| The horse goes BOOM! Take it! | ||
| Whoa! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And apparently that's what did him in. | ||
| That thrust? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He wanted to be like me. | |
| Well that kind of thrust where the horse... | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Even though a horse is that big- What was that? | ||
| A horse is enormous. | ||
| It's still so big, even for a horse. | ||
| Like, if a horse was a human, he'd have a giant dick, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that horse was packing it. | |
| He was packing it. | ||
| Yeah, that horse was very confident. | ||
| Hugely confident. | ||
| Walking to any bar with a swagger. | ||
| That horse would kill it on stage. | ||
| But that's the video. | ||
| So that guy eventually wound up dying. | ||
| How do you know that that thrust was the one that killed him? | ||
| No, it wasn't. | ||
| That video wasn't the one where he died. | ||
| That was always the rumor, was that that video had killed him, but apparently that's not true. | ||
| Apparently that video was one of hundreds of hours of footage that these people have. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not it? | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| Oh my god, the horse is cuddling him too! | ||
| Guys like it. | ||
| That's a big black one. | ||
| Some guys like it up their ass. | ||
| It's fun for them. | ||
| I get why they like it up the ass, but from a horse? | ||
| I think people just keep taking things to the next level. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| Like, some people wanted to skydive, and other people are like, well, fuck that, I'm going to skydive off a building. | ||
| You know, it's like, people all want to skydive from space. | ||
| Like, people just get nuts. | ||
| I have to burn this computer now, I think. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I mean, don't I? Social credit score and everything. | ||
| Oh, yeah, social credit score is going to be a real issue once the Communist Party takes over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
America. | |
| What would be bigger than being fucked by a horse? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like a camel? | |
| A giraffe? | ||
| A giraffe for sure is bigger than a horse. | ||
| Way bigger. | ||
| Yeah, that would be it. | ||
| But you'd have to have a ladder or something. | ||
| There'd have to be some way that the horse can get to your butt or the giraffe can get to your butt. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I just, I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I kind of understand it. | ||
| If you hate yourself so much to just want a horse to fuck your ass. | ||
| I don't even know if it's, I hate myself so much, like, that that's what they're thinking. | ||
| I think they're just thinking they want to do something really naughty. | ||
| They want to do something super perverted and super taboo. | ||
| I think there's a lot of that. | ||
| Well, in the last one, the horse looked like it loved him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I was like hugging him. | ||
| Yeah, his arms were right. | ||
| He was cuddling him, kind of. | ||
| Yeah, a little bit. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, the episode that you did of Your Mom's House Live, I don't think it had this in there, but other ones they have had, where guys were fisting each other. | ||
| There was a lot of fisting. | ||
| Was there? | ||
| Yeah, there was fisting and then there was shitting and then there was shoving the shit back in the ass. | ||
| It was a lot. | ||
| I have not been totally okay since that. | ||
| This is nothing compared to what I watched. | ||
| Did they warn you? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You know how many fans sent me messages saying, I hope you're going to be okay? | ||
| I'm like, what is going to happen to me? | ||
| Am I going to be assaulted? | ||
| Did they let you know that we're going to see some horrific shit? | ||
| No, they didn't tell me. | ||
| The fans, hundreds of fans kept sending me messages going, I hope you're ready. | ||
| I hope you have a good stomach. | ||
| Don't eat a lot before the show. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| My god. | ||
| Yeah, this was this is the preview. | ||
| This was at the Paramount, right? | ||
| Yeah, this was the show. | ||
| Yeah, this is what happened. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't Didn't make it to that one. | ||
| I wanted to go though. | ||
| I was unfortunately out of town But look this was in the next one you are I'm doing the one in November. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I'm so excited You're gonna yeah, this was yeah, I set the day aside I'm fucking pumped You're going to love it. | |
| I had so much fun. | ||
| I laughed my ass off. | ||
| At one point, Tom turned to me and went, and I said, don't. | ||
| I can't even believe I said this. | ||
| In the mic, I said, don't throw up on me because I will throw up on Christine. | ||
| I'm like, this is going to be a fucking nightmare. | ||
| It would be like that scene from Stand By Me. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I would throw up on her, then she would throw up on me. | ||
| The worst was someone, a man shitting in another man's mouth. | ||
| And it was as if the man that shitting, like he ate hay. | ||
| I'm not saying it to be funny. | ||
| It was the hardiest shit I've ever seen. | ||
| He must have eaten hay for two weeks. | ||
| Because it was horses shit. | ||
| It wasn't human shit. | ||
| Do you know what I'm talking about? | ||
| It was probably a vegan. | ||
| It had grass in it. | ||
| It was hearty. | ||
| And the guy was picking it up and kept chewing on it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Like eating food. | ||
| Then he peed all over him in his mouth. | ||
| And then he came in his mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That probably helped. | |
| He came in his mouth too? | ||
| Tom kept saying, it's not over. | ||
| I said, what's next? | ||
| What's next? | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| There's people out there like that, but that's my point. | ||
| There's people that always want to take things to the next level. | ||
| I don't understand eating shit. | ||
| And I'm very open. | ||
| I mean, I am really open. | ||
| What a crazy statement. | ||
| Like, I get a lot. | ||
| Yeah, I get a lot. | ||
| But I don't get eating shit. | ||
| And picking it up and then keep putting it in your mouth and then keep eating more, eating more. | ||
| Like, I don't understand how that's a turn on. | ||
| At some point in time, you should stop. | ||
| Yeah, he shouldn't eat shit all day. | ||
| Right, it was like he wouldn't leave any on the plate. | ||
| He kept eating more and more and more. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Do you understand it in any way? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bad parenting? | |
| For sure. | ||
| I mean, let's start with that. | ||
| Let's start with bad parenting. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| They're damaged. | ||
| There's something wrong. | ||
| Well, there's something that they say happens to people when they get scolded for shitting their pants when they're really young and really punished and shamed. | ||
| For some men in particular, and it seems to mostly be men, for some men that becomes a thing that gets somehow attached to sexuality. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, like naughtiness, and you're a bad boy, and then you're shitting, and then you're doing things like that. | ||
| Maybe you want to see someone shit. | ||
| You remember, there was a story about a certain actor. | ||
| I don't know if it's true, but he would hire women to shit on a glass table. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| Yo, that guy. | ||
| I don't know if it's true. | ||
| It's probably not true. | ||
| But let's just pretend it is. | ||
| Someone's done it, for sure. | ||
| Maybe it's not him. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They would have this lady squat over a glass table or coffee table and just take a giant meaty shit while he looked up. | ||
| I think Norton's had people shit on him before. | ||
| Didn't he say that? | ||
| He's had people do a lot on him. | ||
| I think Jim Norton has had some people shit on him. | ||
| I understand looking at it for some reason in a glass table. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| If that's not true, Jim, I'm really sorry. | ||
| Jim, we're sorry. | ||
| But I mean, you can understand why I would assume that maybe you've tried that. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But yeah, I mean, it's kind of fascinating, like watching the asshole open up and watching the... | ||
| I like watching assholes open up and things up. | ||
| Like watching... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're protected. | ||
| I do like that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I get it on the glass. | ||
| Yeah, that would be a thrill. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I mean, I like when it opens and things happen, but I don't think I'd want it to come into my mouth and... | ||
| Well, that's next level. | ||
| That is a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's someone who's just, you're just gone. | ||
| You're barely hanging on. | ||
| You're a second away from ending it. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| A second away. | ||
| There's not. | ||
| You've got a gun in the chamber, loaded, a bullet in the chamber. | ||
| You got the gun in your hand, finger on the trigger. | ||
| You're like, not yet. | ||
| Let me eat some shit first. | ||
| Totally! | ||
| But the crazy thing is that we're not shocked that there's people like that out there. | ||
| You're shocked when you see it. | ||
| But there's no part of your brain that goes, I could never imagine that this was a thing. | ||
| Because we've seen so much. | ||
| Oh, I can imagine it. | ||
| Yeah, that's what's crazy. | ||
| It's not really that stunning. | ||
| No, there's a guy who cut his dick. | ||
| This was worse to me than the eating the shit. | ||
| There was a guy that took a knife and cut his penis. | ||
| Off? | ||
| No, a big cut and blood went spurting everywhere like a geyser. | ||
| So he cut it when it was hard? | ||
| Yes, I don't even have a dick. | ||
| That's such a crazy thing I just said. | ||
| That's only the third crazy thing you've said. | ||
| I don't even have a dick! | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| I know, it's very upsetting. | ||
| I don't even have one, and that freaked me out more than anything. | ||
| And there were some men that watched it that were like, I don't know, it didn't really... | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| That freaked me out when I saw that. | ||
| It should. | ||
| It was... | ||
| The worst thing I saw out of anything. | ||
| Well, it's like that kind of self-harm stuff is very sad. | ||
| Well, especially you. | ||
| You're a mom, right? | ||
| So I'm a father. | ||
| I know you see people that are harming themselves like that, and I immediately think someone fucked up. | ||
| Like, someone raised that person terrible. | ||
| Somebody abused that person. | ||
| That, absolutely. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I'm not a psychologist, but I would imagine like 99% accuracy that person's been abused. | ||
| Horribly. | ||
| Has to be. | ||
| I mean, what's the point of that? | ||
| Why would you cut your dick and spray blood all over the place? | ||
| And it went on, and I mean, he kept showing it, Tom. | ||
| I was like, you're, yeah. | ||
| So Tom shows me this video. | ||
| He sends it to me. | ||
| Tom has sent me the most horrific shit I've ever seen in my life, other than the guy getting fucked by the horse. | ||
| So these two guys are fisting. | ||
| And this guy is fisting this guy's asshole and he pulls his arm out and the guy's prolapsed rectum comes out with it like a sock. | ||
| And then there's another guy next to him and he's fisting that guy and then he rubs their prolapsed rectums together. | ||
| Have you seen that one? | ||
| Jamie's seen it. | ||
| Jamie's got it on a loop. | ||
| That's a screensaver at home. | ||
| I think they've shown it on a live or something. | ||
| I saw something like that. | ||
| I think so, yeah. | ||
| I think that's exactly where... | ||
| I think he sent it to me before they did their show and then said, we're going to show this in front of the whole audience. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, there was a lot of prolapsed Assholes what they've done and we talked about this before the podcast started is an amazing thing They've put together like a real legitimate production and every month or so they put on these Phenomenal shows where they they do a live show you you buy it online It's completely pay-per-view so they can show you the wildest most fucked up things online There's no censorship at all You don't have to worry about it being taken down. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| They have created the crazy... | ||
| I mean, it's unreal what they've done. | ||
| It's unreal. | ||
| They're so unusual. | ||
| Because there's Rich Voss and Bonnie McFarlane. | ||
| There's Natasha Leggera and Moshe Kasher. | ||
| And then there's Tom and Christina. | ||
| Those are the only funny couples. | ||
| Well, Joe List and Sarah Talamash. | ||
| There's definitely more people. | ||
| I can't think off the top of my head, but there's definitely more. | ||
| That I can name, I can only name like four. | ||
| I can't think right now, but there are some. | ||
| It's super rare, but those guys are at the top of the heap. | ||
| It's so unusual that you have a top flight male and a top flight female comedian, and then they have a family, and their kids are hilarious, and they've decided to partner together and put on this wild ass fucking live show. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| The thing that you said that's the best part of it is they can do anything they want, Say anything they want. | ||
| Hire whoever they want. | ||
| No restrictions. | ||
| I mean, that is what any comic would want. | ||
| It's heaven. | ||
| It's heaven. | ||
| And without the internet, it would never have been available. | ||
| Never. | ||
| And even with the internet, the only way you could do it is if you create infrastructure the way they've done. | ||
| Where you have your own servers and your own thing and your own pay-per-view set up. | ||
| Because no one's going to let you do that regularly. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I said to them, you have to do it a lot. | ||
| I mean, it's just unreal. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| But you couldn't do that. | ||
| Well, Patreon backed off. | ||
| Not Patreon. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| OnlyFans. | ||
| OnlyFans were saying, we're not going to have naked content anymore. | ||
| Patreon's gotten stricter, too, right? | ||
| Much stricter. | ||
| The problem is when someone complains. | ||
| If someone complains and then Vox runs a story on it, then they're going to want to ban you. | ||
| But if, like, OnlyFans, for a while, they were talking about not having any naked content and not having any pornograph, and then they realized that's 90% of the people on OnlyFans. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they backed off of it. | ||
| Oh, they backed off? | ||
| I didn't know they backed off of that. | ||
| Yeah, it's great that they did. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| It's a win for freedom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Of course. | ||
| I mean, listen. | ||
| You can get free porn anytime you want. | ||
| I mean, it's ridiculous. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| But I think the thing was banks. | ||
| My throat is so scratchy. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I've got to clear my throat again. | ||
| The thing is banks. | ||
| Because banks, for whatever reason, they don't want to be involved in naked people. | ||
| Well, they want to be involved with naked people, just not publicly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They want the money, but they don't want to be shamed. | ||
| So they don't want to get in trouble, whether it's sponsors or other business relationships they have. | ||
| So they were trying to figure out a way to stop the nakedness on OnlyFans. | ||
| The nakedness. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, come on. | ||
| It's what you do. | ||
| It's like, why is Chick-fil-A closed on Sunday? | ||
| Open up, bitch. | ||
| You sell dead chickens. | ||
| Stop saying this is about Jesus. | ||
| I love when you say bitch. | ||
| It's so funny to me. | ||
| Oh, thank you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| Chick-fil-A is delicious, but the gay thing really, I just can't. | ||
| I can imagine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's not good. | ||
| But some people are gay and they still go to Chick-fil-A. I know. | ||
| That's how goddamn good their sandwiches are. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's like people have been molested and they still listen to Michael Jackson. | ||
| Like, I can't help myself. | ||
| I wanna rock with you. | ||
| Well, he is an amazing singer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| He was, yeah. | ||
| I don't even know if he did anything. | ||
| I don't shame anyone for going to Chick-fil-A, whether you, you know, eat box or suck dick, whatever, but, you know. | ||
| I like that, eat box. | ||
| I always say it. | ||
| It's a good way to say it. | ||
| I love doing it, yeah. | ||
| And you can say it. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| I can say anything about that I want. | ||
| Isn't it weird, though, that Chick-fil-A is essentially the only restaurant chain that's associated with an ideology? | ||
| Clearly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so ridiculous. | ||
| Is there another one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, right? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Not a restaurant. | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean Hobby Lobby. | ||
| There's other businesses for sure. | ||
| Yeah, but like a restaurant that's associated with a religious ideology? | ||
| No. | ||
| But that's it, right? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Jamie, can you think of one? | ||
| But that's a big one. | ||
| Well, not an ideology, but Ben& Jerry's won't sell ice cream in Israel, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's a new thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean... | ||
| That seems a little weird. | ||
| It's not that big. | ||
| In-N-Out does have, like, verses on the bottom of the cups and shit, which is kind of strange. | ||
| In-N-Out? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just considering the name, too. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Under the cup? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do they really? | ||
| Bible verses? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That is so funny to me. | ||
| That is funny. | ||
| But they're not pushing it. | ||
| Chick-fil-A pushes it. | ||
| I believe they fund... | ||
| They do. | ||
| Do they fund anti-gay groups? | ||
| I just made that up, but I think they do. | ||
| I know! | ||
| Because I'm clueless, but I think they have. | ||
| I think so, too. | ||
| I think there's something about that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the Mormons definitely have. | ||
| I used to have a bit about it. | ||
| Proposition 8 was in California, and Proposition 8 was a prop to, I think it was to limit gay marriage or remove gay marriage. | ||
| Because gay marriage had been cleared in California. | ||
| And then there was, I think it was Prop 8. See if this is true. | ||
| And then a big part of Prop 8 support to try to remove gay marriage, it turns out, came from the Mormons. | ||
| So I had a joke about it. | ||
| That the Mormons should be afraid of gay marriage. | ||
| Because if someone can talk you into being a Mormon... | ||
| They can definitely talk you into sucking their dick. | ||
| That's very true. | ||
| They just need a little more alone time with you. | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| Yeah, here it is. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Known as Prop 8 was a California ballot proposition and state constitutional amendment intend to ban same-sex marriage. | ||
| Yes, that's it. | ||
| So it passed in November of 2008 in the California state elections, which is so crazy. | ||
| But it was later overturned in court. | ||
| So California, the most progressive state, arguably, other than New York, right? | ||
| In the country. | ||
| And they passed a law in 2008 to ban gay marriage. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And there's stuff coming up about that again now. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's stuff. | ||
| After the abortion thing, the new thing supposedly is trying to get rid of gay marriage again. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| I mean, that would not happen. | ||
| That shouldn't even be remotely controversial. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| At this point in time, it seems like when each generation sort of moves forward, whatever weird ideas that people were holding onto because of ignorance in the past, slowly they get eroded away. | ||
| And you see marginalized groups get accepted more and more and more over time. | ||
| And the gay one's a big one in my lifetime. | ||
| Because when I was a little kid, I lived in San Francisco. | ||
| From age 7 to 11. Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, I lived right in the heart of it. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| We lived off of Lombard Street. | ||
| It was during the Vietnam War. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was just hippies and gay people. | ||
| It was all it was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| My aunt used to get naked and smoke pot and play bongos with the gay couple next door. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Yeah, it was... | ||
| Sorry, my throat is fucked up today. | ||
| I even tried drinking whiskey. | ||
| I don't know what's going on. | ||
| We were out late last night at the Vulcan doing comedy. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, at a 10 o'clock show. | ||
| It didn't start until 10.30. | ||
| Didn't get home until 2. Oh, boy. | ||
| Someone should get you tea. | ||
| I don't think that's going to help. | ||
| It might. | ||
| I'm a Jewish mother. | ||
| You should drink some tea. | ||
| What about chicken soup? | ||
| That's the best. | ||
| Where are you going to get matzo bowl soup here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not out here. | |
| We're in Texas. | ||
| There's not a lot of Jews out here, shockingly enough. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You got it. | ||
| There needs to be a Jewish deli in town. | ||
| There should be, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is there one? | ||
| There's everything else here. | ||
| There has to be. | ||
| Find a Jewish deli in Austin, Texas. | ||
| You need a good matzo ball soup. | ||
| It's healing. | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| Chicken soup is healing. | ||
| I don't like the matzo ball. | ||
| You don't have to eat that. | ||
| It's a big bowl of fucking crackers. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's not the health... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's gross. | |
| That's not the important part. | ||
| It's the chicken soup. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The chicken soup's good. | ||
| I like chicken noodle soup. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you can get it just with noodle... | ||
| I love that we're talking about that now. | ||
| Big fucking matzo ball. | ||
| I got one. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Does it look good? | ||
| Let's see it online. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Harold's? | ||
| You should get chicken soup. | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| Well, we don't have to. | ||
| Oh, it looks good. | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
| Bagels. | ||
| That looks legit. | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
| Pastrami. | ||
| Oh, no, that's a good one. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's in Austin. | |
| North side of town. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, that has capers on it. | ||
| No, that's a good one. | ||
| That looks good. | ||
| I can tell. | ||
| That looks legit. | ||
| Listen, all of a sudden I'm Jewish. | ||
| That looks good. | ||
| That looks legit. | ||
| That looks wonderful. | ||
| Ballpark mustard? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's from Cleveland, so it's probably good. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| But my point was that over time, it doesn't mean anything anymore. | ||
| People let it go. | ||
| Whatever prejudice they had in the past, over generations, it becomes less prevalent. | ||
| And it seems like there's never been a time ever in our culture where being gay is more accepted. | ||
| This is the most- Absolutely. | ||
| Right now? | ||
| I don't think most people care at all. | ||
| At all. | ||
| At all. | ||
| So where's the pushback? | ||
| If anything, I've had more stuff about it than anyone in my life. | ||
| Like seriously. | ||
| In what way? | ||
| I cared a lot what people thought about me. | ||
| So when I came out, it was like very hard for me because I cared so much. | ||
| You know, I wanted to be popular and liked and I had a lot of internal homophobia. | ||
| My parents didn't even care. | ||
| You know, my dad, my mom's a liberal. | ||
| My dad was a huge Trump guy. | ||
| Like they didn't care. | ||
| They cared more how I would be treated in the world because it was years ago. | ||
| So they were worried about how I would be treated. | ||
| My mother said, I felt sad that you couldn't walk down the street holding hands with the person you loved. | ||
| Because this was like 25 years ago. | ||
| But it was hard for me. | ||
| But now, I just don't feel any kind of... | ||
| People don't care when I talk about it on stage. | ||
| They don't give a shit. | ||
| It doesn't even faze them. | ||
| It's normal. | ||
| It's like, I'm from Cleveland. | ||
| I'm gay. | ||
| It's normal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| People really don't give a shit. | ||
| Which is why when you say that there's some sort of a push to stop gay marriage, where's it coming from? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've been reading about it. | ||
| It's the guy who did the whole abortion stuff is now supposedly, that's his new mission. | ||
| Who is this demon? | ||
| I don't know, some weird-looking white guy, obviously. | ||
| We should know who he is. | ||
| You can look it up. | ||
| It's all over Twitter. | ||
| Google weird-looking white guy who's trying to stop abortion. | ||
| Look up gay guy that hasn't come out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's trying to get rid of gay marriage. | ||
| He's doing those Pray the Gay Away things. | ||
| I read this story about a Pray the Gay Away camp where these guys would literally cuddle. | ||
| And the guy said that during this Pray the Gay Away camp, this man was behind him, holding onto him. | ||
| They were seated on the ground and he clearly had his heart on, pressed against this guy's back. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And he's holding onto him. | ||
| They're talking about praying the gay away. | ||
| Is that, you know, I lived with my friend who went to a workshop to try and not be gay. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| Workshopped it. | ||
| No, for like a six week thing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And he couldn't masturbate. | ||
| He was orthodox, and if you masturbate, you waste seed. | ||
| Do you ever know that? | ||
| You're impregnating a demon in the other world. | ||
| I know, it's fucking so crazy. | ||
| Ari has a bit about it. | ||
| I know, I love talking to Ari about all this shit. | ||
| So he was going to this thing and they were telling him it's because his father passed when he was a kid. | ||
| You know, it's all this shit. | ||
| And he's not really gay and he cannot be gay. | ||
| He's the gayest person. | ||
| I mean, it's completely, hi, how are you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, it's completely, I love pussy now. | |
| I'm totally not gay anymore. | ||
| So I lived with him and he became the biggest asshole because he wasn't masturbating. | ||
| I finally said to him, if you don't jerk off soon, we're not going to be friends anymore. | ||
| Like, I'm going to jerk off. | ||
| I'm like, I haven't touched a penis in 20 years, but I will suck your dick just so that we stay friends. | ||
| Like, this is horrible. | ||
| If I was him, I would say, well, sounds like a deal. | ||
| Well, I always say I'm good at that because I'm an eater. | ||
| Yeah, that's him. | ||
| Texas abortion ban creator takes aim at marriage equality and new brief. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| I mean, look at him. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Just dying for dick. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Is he not? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, he's too young to wear a tie. | ||
| I don't trust him. | ||
| He looks like a dyke. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| I'm going to send a video to you, Jamie. | ||
| It's like one of my favorite videos of this. | ||
| Maybe you can find it before I send it to you. | ||
| There's this guy, he is in this church, one of those serious, with the organs and everything like that, and he's talking to the pastor. | ||
| And then he yells out that he's not gay no more. | ||
| And that Jesus has saved him. | ||
| But it's amazing. | ||
| I'm gonna find it. | ||
| I'm gonna find it. | ||
| Is he really flamboyant? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He's super flamboyant. | ||
| I'm gonna laugh so hard right now. | ||
| Give me some volume. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did you come here for? | |
| What did you come down here for? | ||
| Tell me. | ||
| To get delivered more. | ||
| Get delivered. | ||
| Do you believe that the Lord tonight has set you free? | ||
| Yes, sir. | ||
| Turn around and tell those people. | ||
| Tell them. | ||
| I'm not gay no more. | ||
| I am delivered. | ||
| I don't like men no more. | ||
| I said I like women. | ||
| Women, women, women. | ||
| I said women. | ||
| I'm not gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would not be a man. | |
| Look at those guys backing up when he gets close. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's hard. | |
| I will. | ||
| I will. | ||
| Love. | ||
| A woman. | ||
| They're all going to get in it. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| They haven't started yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do they do the bomb? | |
| Or you ought to stop preaching it. | ||
| If you can't praise God with him, you're an unbeliever. | ||
| Let somebody believe God with him. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Black churches are the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look. | |
| They get that music going. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at them. | |
| They're all dancing together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| Look at them. | ||
| I would go to church if it was a black church. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| I want to go every Sunday to a black church. | ||
| Dude, they're having a good fucking time. | ||
| If all you have to do is praise the Lord to have this kind of a good time, why wouldn't you? | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| He's not buying it. | ||
| That guy thinks he's bowling. | ||
| He thinks he's bowling. | ||
| Where's the lanes? | ||
| Is it my turn to ball? | ||
| Oh my god, keep going. | ||
| I think it gets better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got a problem here. | |
| I got a problem. | ||
| I gotta get out of here. | ||
| Because I gotta get up early too and put that long robe on. | ||
| I got a problem though. | ||
| It still looks like he's alone. | ||
| What? | ||
| And whether you know it or not, the devil ain't gonna leave him alone. | ||
| I wish I had some shown-up believers that'll come down here and dance with them and tell them you can do it in the name of Jesus! | ||
| Oh my God, this is... | ||
| Can you send this to me? | ||
| I'm watching this every day. | ||
| Look, they're huddling with them. | ||
| All men! | ||
| There's a guy behind them. | ||
| No women! | ||
| All men. | ||
| Oh my God, they're all... | ||
| They're doing a circle jerk. | ||
| It's a pile-on. | ||
| Oh, there's some women games. | ||
| The women just want to watch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you heard the Lord. | |
| The Lord just told him that. | ||
| Look at those two guys hugging each other and dancing together. | ||
| They're turning everybody gay. | ||
| They don't even know it. | ||
| It's having the desired effect in the opposite way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| They start rimming. | ||
| Those guys are about to make out. | ||
| Those guys behind them, everyone's ignored them. | ||
| They're slow dancing. | ||
| Why are they still hugging? | ||
| They're hugging and rocking. | ||
| They're rocking back and forth. | ||
| The cameraman had to cut away. | ||
| See, those guys behind the picture are disturbing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him. | |
| Look at them. | ||
| Look, they're still hugging. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wild. | |
| Power to live holy. | ||
| Pray the gateway. | ||
| What just happened? | ||
| Wait, Joe, you just missed that. | ||
| The guy you were looking at, he fell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He probably came. | |
| No, two of them. | ||
| Watch. | ||
| Right here. | ||
| He probably came and lost his consciousness. | ||
| He fell. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two of them fell down. | |
| Look. | ||
| I'm a nut on my pants. | ||
| He looks like he's nutting. | ||
| Look, he's nutting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| He's leaning into him. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And then he falls. | ||
| He's leaning into him dick first. | ||
| You saw that, right? | ||
| Back it up. | ||
| Back it up. | ||
| Two of them fell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two of them fell. | |
| He's literally like he's coming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Watch, look. | |
| He's bucking into it. | ||
| Look. | ||
| He's bucking into him. | ||
| They're going penis to penis. | ||
| They're holding. | ||
| The guy just came in his pants. | ||
| And he wants to black out because they don't have no responsibility. | ||
| He turned around. | ||
| Yeah, like the devil did that. | ||
| I didn't have nothing to do with that. | ||
| Fucking devil. | ||
| I think that all the comics should go to a gospel church here. | ||
| It would be great. | ||
| And film the whole thing. | ||
| Yeah, but we have to not make a mockery out of it. | ||
| No! | ||
| Yeah, we have to respect it. | ||
| No, we just, yes. | ||
| We sit in our seats. | ||
| Just dance. | ||
| Yeah, and hold up handkerchiefs. | ||
| I'll wear a big fucking hat. | ||
| That looks like a good fucking time. | ||
| Do you know how much I love gospel? | ||
| I listen to it in the car when I'm driving to road gigs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yes. | ||
| I love it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's your shit? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's very powerful. | ||
| It is, but how'd you get started with that? | ||
| Because I like the way, I just love gospel music. | ||
| I don't know, women. | ||
| I like the women singers. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You should listen to it. | ||
| It sounds great. | ||
| It's like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's really great. | ||
| It gets me upbeat and it's very spiritual. | ||
| Well, I love anything where people are super enthusiastic. | ||
| Well, that's what it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're enthusiastic about it. | ||
| It's like, believe, believe in yourself. | ||
| Like, it's very upbeat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at you. | |
| You could sing a little bit, huh? | ||
| Yeah, a little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A little bit. | |
| Maybe you could join up there and be a witness. | ||
| Isn't that right? | ||
| Isn't that right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Testify? | |
| You could testify? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Testify! | |
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| What is it supposed to say when you get up and you proclaim your love for Jesus? | ||
| You have to testify. | ||
| Testify. | ||
| That's it, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| Jesse, get up there and testify. | ||
| Yeah, they can just... | ||
| Don't they, like, just punch you in the head or something and then you get... | ||
| They change you? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they can touch you and, you know, you get healed and stuff. | ||
| And, like, some people, like, they fall down and they start spasming on the ground. | ||
| You have a seizure? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you know there's a real problem with that in martial arts? | ||
| Like, there's a whole branch of martial arts that's completely fake, and it's based on a bunch of people, like, touching people with magic, and the people, like, fall down, like, all their disciples. | ||
| In martial arts? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there's quite a few websites that are dedicated to it. | ||
| McDojo is one of them. | ||
| McDojo... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I don't think it worked. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| He's back? | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Is that the guy? | ||
| He's Mr. Delivered. | ||
| Let's say now. | ||
| Mr. Deliver It is an internet sensation known for his famous I Am Deliver It video. | ||
| I like how they say it. | ||
| They spell it deliver and then a T. Deliver It. | ||
| Went viral in 2014. Text him. | ||
| He's got his phone number out. | ||
| He's just trolling for dick. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| He's trolling for dick. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| What's that picture right there? | ||
| Click on that one. | ||
| He's got something in his hand. | ||
| Is it a dick? | ||
| A microphone. | ||
| Oh, it's a microphone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it didn't work. | ||
| Does he say it didn't work? | ||
| No, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Is that him with the hat? | ||
| What is all this? | ||
| This one is, yeah. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| I'm confused. | ||
| He does fake martial arts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, no, no. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| There's a whole, you know, we're talking about touching, people touching people, and they're like, I'm healed! | ||
| And they fall to the ground, spills out. | ||
| There's a whole branch of martial arts, like this, like, death touch, power, chi-type martial arts. | ||
| It's totally fake. | ||
| And they have these followers that are basically cult members. | ||
| And so the master will do this to one of the followers, and the followers will start spasming and falling down on the ground, very much like a revival church session. | ||
| And there's like... | ||
| Thousands of videos of this. | ||
| There's these schools that are all over the world that are just involved in fake martial arts. | ||
| Make Dojo Life? | ||
| Oh, here's one. | ||
| I had to Google search it together. | ||
| All right, here we go. | ||
| So this guy's got a knife, and he can't cut this guy because this guy has magic, and he puts it down. | ||
| So this is from all over the world. | ||
| I see. | ||
| So you see he's doing voodoo on him. | ||
| And he can't go near them. | ||
| That's just one. | ||
| But there's many of them. | ||
| Like, go to that one right there. | ||
| Oh, this one was a different thing. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| There's a lot of them. | ||
| This one, that's a good one. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| Watch this one. | ||
| Look, this guy touches people in the chest and they, like, fall down on the ground. | ||
| Look, it's so obviously fake. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Look at his face. | ||
| Look how fat he is. | ||
| Look how fat that guy is. | ||
| Look, I thought she was full of him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just ate a big... | |
| That guy is teaching something called Sistema, and Sistema is a Russian version of this fake shit. | ||
| And all these people just don't have any friends, and they're just like, oh, hang out. | ||
| Like, look at him in the background, like, leaning back, and look at him, yawning. | ||
| Like, yeah, I don't have any friends. | ||
| By the way, this looks like a Saturday Night Live sketch. | ||
| It does. | ||
| Like, it's so funny. | ||
| There's so many of them, though. | ||
| And McDojoLife on Instagram. | ||
| And there's another one, Fake Black Belts. | ||
| And they all... | ||
| This guy's dedicated to showing all the... | ||
| Oh, that's amazing! | ||
| He just gives him a head nod. | ||
| The guy stops at his tracks. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Ha! | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| But there's, I mean, thousands of these videos, I'm sure. | ||
| But McDojo Life does an amazing job of curating them. | ||
| But it's incredible how many frauds there are out there in this martial arts community. | ||
| There's so many of them. | ||
| You know there's people on YouTube lip-syncing comics acts now. | ||
| It's a big thing. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| I keep hearing about it, and they're going viral. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| They're getting famous from lip-syncing comics acts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Like a huge thing right now on YouTube. | ||
| It's not TikTok? | ||
| I mean, on TikTok. | ||
| Oh, I knew it. | ||
| That's what I meant. | ||
| It's too stupid for YouTube. | ||
| That's what I meant. | ||
| I don't know why I was focusing on that guy just nodding and making someone fall down. | ||
| TikTok is like... | ||
| That's happening. | ||
| Everybody was like, oh my god, this generation's so stupid. | ||
| And TikTok was like, hold my beer. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| We're gonna show you. | ||
| We're gonna show you how dumb people really are. | ||
| Yeah, they're taking someone's joke, lip-syncing the whole thing, and then they'll get millions of views. | ||
| How does that work, though? | ||
| Like, if they do one of your bits, it's your intellectual property. | ||
| I don't know how it works, but they can do it. | ||
| They're not owned by China anymore, right? | ||
| I don't know! | ||
| That was so serious how I just said that. | ||
| Are you on it? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you really? | |
| I post a ton of crowd work videos. | ||
| That's my thing. | ||
| Ah, that's a good move. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I post them almost every day, crowd work stuff. | ||
| But let me tell you something. | ||
| I'll get suspended for a week for saying the word threesome. | ||
| Meanwhile, my daughter's 14-year-old friends will show pictures of their asshole and nothing happens. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| Did you get suspended for saying threesome? | ||
| I got my video taken down and suspended for the third time because I said threesome in a video. | ||
| That's the only thing I said that was off-color. | ||
| If it hits the third time, is that three strikes? | ||
| No, I didn't get suspended for good, but I'm being watched. | ||
| Threesome? | ||
| That was the only thing I said that was not okay. | ||
| Someone reported me. | ||
| See, this is my point. | ||
| It's like these mass, these very popular media websites, like they always censor. | ||
| They get to a point where they have to censor. | ||
| Well, they're bad. | ||
| They're very extreme with censoring. | ||
| You know what's really crazy? | ||
| Twitter. | ||
| Because Twitter censors a lot, and they censor based on political discourse, ideological discourse, but they have hardcore porn. | ||
| I know! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm serious! | |
| Hardcore! | ||
| Like, ass-fucking. | ||
| Joe, I'm not kidding! | ||
| Coming in mouths. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know! | |
| Yeah, like, mouths open, ropes of jizzing. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just saw a video of that two days ago. | ||
| Just gagging. | ||
| I went through... | ||
| You didn't see all of it. | ||
| I was going through the homepage and I'm like, whoa, I didn't expect to see this. | ||
| Yeah, I can't. | ||
| Like, if my kids grab my phone and they start, like, going through Twitter, I'm like, hey! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How is that on there? | ||
| Why isn't it on there? | ||
| That's my question. | ||
| Like, I'm fine with it being on there. | ||
| No, I'm okay with it being on there, but why is that okay? | ||
| But I'm an adult, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think... | ||
| I mean, I think there's probably been studies on children's exposure to pornography and the detrimental effects of it. | ||
| I'm sure there happened, right? | ||
| A ton. | ||
| It can't be good. | ||
| It's not good because that's what they expect. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Meaning, when our kids hook up, they go right to certain things instead of how we went to first base, second base. | ||
| They're like, can I pound your asshole? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Right away. | ||
| I read a study about the increase in anal sex activity Amongst young kids. | ||
| And it was like off the charts. | ||
| But part of me was like, if you're a scientist, why are you studying that? | ||
| Like imagine. | ||
| You're like, I want to cure cancer. | ||
| Oh, I want to study kids buttfucking. | ||
| How many kids are answering that honestly too? | ||
| I was. | ||
| Yeah, buttfuck all day. | ||
| That's all I'm doing is buttfucking. | ||
| Fuck your mom. | ||
| Yeah, who cares about kids' cancer? | ||
| I want to know about that. | ||
| Well, I remember when I was a kid, we would hear stories about girls who wanted to maintain their virginity, so they would let their boyfriend fuck them in the ass. | ||
| That's the big thing. | ||
| That's not how it works. | ||
| I was just about to tell you that, but that's what they're doing. | ||
| In the suburbs... | ||
| In the suburbs in Jersey. | ||
| Where they're less sophisticated. | ||
| Where I grew up. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| They'll do anal because they can't get pregnant. | ||
| That's their thinking. | ||
| But it's also they maintain their virginity. | ||
| Like it doesn't count. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Well, that's also they don't break the hymen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| We're still living with the echoes of our Puritan past. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then it's like being overrun by the tidal wave of pornography on kids' phones. | ||
| Because everyone has a phone now. | ||
| If you give a kid a phone, you're saying, hey, little fella, go watch people fuck. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Of course! | ||
| What do you think they're watching? | ||
| This world is a mess. | ||
| Yeah, it is a mess. | ||
| But it's pretty awesome. | ||
| It's amazing, but it's going to end soon. | ||
| Do you think it's going to end soon? | ||
| I don't think it's going to end, but I don't know what's going to happen. | ||
| I'm pretty happy. | ||
| I've never been happier in my life. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Things are okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like a little bit of chaos. | ||
| The thing about everything falling apart and people going wacky and crazy and screaming at people from a mile away to put their mask on, I like it. | ||
| There's a part of me that enjoys it. | ||
| Do you like being in the center of attention? | ||
| Having people go after you with all this stuff with the virus and all this other shit? | ||
| Do you like that? | ||
| Does it stress you out? | ||
| I don't pay attention. | ||
| Do you read anything? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't read anything about me. | ||
| I don't read a lot either. | ||
| I don't think you can when you get to the position that I'm in. | ||
| I think it's unhealthy. | ||
| And I think the people that do, they wind up going crazy. | ||
| It's one of the things you see about celebrities. | ||
| There's a certain level of celebrity where the re-entry pressure is too hard on the hull and the spaceship falls apart. | ||
| They just can't take it. | ||
| But if you just change your focus, it's not really that many people that are mad at you. | ||
| It's like an illusion. | ||
| It's like a few thousand people that are mad. | ||
| But that's out of hundreds of millions. | ||
| I know. | ||
| 3,000 tweets about you on Twitter. | ||
| You're like, oh my god, the world's ending. | ||
| No, it's 3,000 shut-ins that are emotionally stunted fucking weirdos who are angry at you for whatever, and most of it's not real, and most of it would be resolved if you were in a face-to-face conversation with them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because they would realize you're just a person. | ||
| Having a conversation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no conversation. | ||
| It's basically, Louis C.K. said this to me once about things talking on the internet and people talking on the internet. | ||
| It really resonated. | ||
| He goes, when you see something written on Twitter, he goes, it's because it's written, it's shocking, but it's talk. | ||
| It's just talk. | ||
| People do that all the time. | ||
| They talk shit about people all the time. | ||
| If someone is at the store and someone says something like, Mike, that fucking guy, he sucks. | ||
| He's fucking terrible. | ||
| But you see it written down and Mike reads that and he's like, oh my god, I suck. | ||
| I'm fucking terrible. | ||
| The person who said it might not even mean it, and they only said it because you're not there, right? | ||
| It's the same thing with typing. | ||
| They type it out on Twitter, and people read it, and they get this weird thrill out of attacking people that they're throwing a rock over the fence and listening for a window break, and exciting, I broke something. | ||
| It's part of the thing, because it's completely alien and completely out of... | ||
| The history of the human race. | ||
| For a human being to be able to communicate instantaneously with a human being through text where they're not even there. | ||
| They're not writing a letter and pushing it across the table or sending it through the mail. | ||
| They're just communicating through text that instantaneously gets to you. | ||
| And they're anonymous? | ||
| They have an egg for a profile and they might even be... | ||
| I put this thing up on Instagram yesterday about 19 of the top 20 Christian websites that are on Facebook are run by Russian troll farms. | ||
| 19 of the top 20. Jamie, I'll send you the article. | ||
| Have you seen the article? | ||
| I didn't see that. | ||
| The reason why I'm asking is because I don't know if you know my stepbrother, Zach Braff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, that's your stepbrother? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah, for 35 years. | ||
| Longer than that. | ||
| I met him at the store one night. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Many years ago. | |
| He's a great person. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| But anyway, I remember him telling me years ago, like, I don't read anything. | ||
| And I'm like, that's so smart. | ||
| Like, you know, because I feel like a lot of people do sit and look at this shit. | ||
| And I'm like, you can't. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| 2019, almost all of Facebook's top Christian pages were run by foreign troll forums. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Well... | ||
| I had this guy Mike Baker on a couple days ago, who's a former CIA operative. | ||
| He's explaining that what they're trying to do, what Russia and China is trying to do to America, is just keep us at each other's throats and encourage dissent, encourage a distrust in the political system. | ||
| He was saying that when they were talking about Russia, that Russia wanted Trump to win or Russia wanted Hillary to win. | ||
| He goes, no, no, no. | ||
| What Russia wants is us to lose all faith in our electoral process. | ||
| They want us to lose all faith. | ||
| They're doing a good job. | ||
| They are. | ||
| And we're helping them. | ||
| We're helping them. | ||
| We're making it just as bad. | ||
| Yeah, that doesn't surprise me at all. | ||
| But that's crazy. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Almost all of them, almost all the top pages run by Russian troll farms. | ||
| That's troll farms. | ||
| And they really are troll farms. | ||
| I had a woman on a few years back. | ||
| Her name is Renee DiResta, and she did a study of all of these Russian troll farms and memes. | ||
| There's a place in Russia called the Internet Research Agency, and all they do is create pages And then post memes and have things on these pages like it could be a Black Lives Matter page or it could be a Texas separatist page. | ||
| It could be a pro-life page or it could be a pro-choice page. | ||
| It doesn't matter to them. | ||
| What they're trying to do is get as many people engaged as possible and then stir shit up. | ||
| So if they have a pro-life page, they'll have a pro-life page. | ||
| And then they'll have a Russian troll will jump into their pro-life page where they've got all these people engaged in this pro-life talk. | ||
| And then someone will come in and start talking about, I've had 27 abortions. | ||
| I can't wait to have my 28th. | ||
| They'll have a... | ||
| And they're like, ah! | ||
| The devil! | ||
| And they'll get these people really fired up. | ||
| They'll get them fired up about what's happening on the border. | ||
| They'll make up stories about the Haitians. | ||
| They're all coming in with AIDS. There's a manifesto. | ||
| They're trying to fuck all your kids. | ||
| And how do you even stop that? | ||
| You can't. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| The managing at scale, and this is the thing, people criticize YouTube and they criticize Facebook and all these social media platforms, but the reality is these people are managing at scale and they're dealing with billions and billions and billions of human beings that are posting content all day long. | ||
| There's no way to handle it. | ||
| And when you have these foreign companies, these foreign countries that are supported by their own political parties, and they've decided ... | ||
| The governments of all these companies support, or these countries rather, support these troll farms. | ||
| Like the Russian Internet Research Agency, they control ... | ||
| The government controls that. | ||
| So what they do is their whole plan is this slow buildup of dissent and separation in America. | ||
| They're wedging this gigantic ideological – they're shoving this wedge in between our culture. | ||
| They're separating the left and the right. | ||
| They're making people more polarized. | ||
| They're making people more galvanized to whatever their thoughts are. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| What do you think is going to happen? | ||
| That's a very general question, but seriously. | ||
| This is what I think could fix it all. | ||
| What? | ||
| Legalization of psychedelic drugs. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes, 100%. | ||
| I really do believe that. | ||
| Because it's the thing that keeps me from falling into that. | ||
| I don't buy into it at all. | ||
| And I think one of the reasons why I don't buy into it is because I've had so many psychedelic trips. | ||
| Do you do the ayahuasca thing? | ||
| I haven't done that. | ||
| I've done DMT. I know a lot of people who are doing that. | ||
| A lot of people are doing it with great success. | ||
| The thing about the ayahuasca thing, it's like you've got to go to a place. | ||
| It takes a long time. | ||
| There's MDMA therapies that they're doing right now with soldiers that have had PTSD that's been incredibly successful. | ||
| That's a really interesting psychedelic because MDMA relieves a lot of your anxiety and it makes you very loving and it just drops all of your insecurities. | ||
| And that's helping a lot of soldiers. | ||
| And then there's 5-methoxy DMT, there's DMT, there's psilocybin. | ||
| Ketamine. | ||
| Yeah, ketamine, which has been great for people with depression. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I think there's a lot of these things that can help alleviate a lot of the tension and anxiety. | ||
| And the thing about psychedelics, like generally speaking, is very general, but... | ||
| They bring people closer together. | ||
| They make people feel humble in the face of these overwhelming experiences and they make people realize that we're kind of all in this together and the only thing that really counts is love. | ||
| And the reason why people lash out online, like most of them, don't have any love. | ||
| They're missing love. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why I don't do it. | ||
| My life is filled with love. | ||
| I'm very lucky. | ||
| That's why I don't do it. | ||
| But the people that do do it, I see them and I say they're probably sad. | ||
| And it's fear. | ||
| They're constantly in fear. | ||
| And they're trying to hurt people. | ||
| They're trying to hurt other people because they're hurt or they're not... | ||
| Hurt people hurt people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Hurt people hurt people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I think... | ||
| Psychedelic drugs and I don't even like to say drugs because drugs you fall into this blanket of a bunch of shit that's has completely different psychoactive effects on the mind but Psychedelic compounds I think could have a significant impact on the way we see the world and the way we treat each other I really do I really really think that that could have a huge shift Whether it's microdosing, | ||
| just to change the tone of general everyday society but still remaining functional and being able to, you know, compete in the marketplace and do your art and, you know, take care of your kids. | ||
| There's a lot of things that people can do that can enhance everyday life. | ||
| It's based on these compounds that we already know exist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I totally get it. | ||
| And it's amazing to me what people think just from reading stuff online or seeing a video or reading a tweet, you know? | ||
| Like, I was at the creek in the cave, and I had never met you before. | ||
| And, you know, you came up to me and sat down with me, and I'm like, oh my god, he... | ||
| And I know this just from being in the business for so long, but I'm like, what a nice, sweet, regular guy. | ||
| Like, you literally just sat down with me, and I felt like I had met you 50 times, and you were just... | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I felt the same way about you. | ||
| So kind and genuine and humble. | ||
| Like really normal. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You really were. | ||
| And I love that. | ||
| What did you expect? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, you know, sometimes people are just a little off, wall up, you know, distant, not eye contact, a little off. | ||
| Like, you were very, like, had eye contact, genuine, like, just like a buddy. | ||
| Like, I've met you. | ||
| You know, you were very, quote-unquote, normal to me. | ||
| And that's not always common. | ||
| Well, you're a comic. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're my tribe. | ||
| Right, I get it. | ||
| Yeah, that's how I am too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I sought you out. | |
| I wish more comics were like that, but yes. | ||
| Yeah, when I found out you were there, I sought you out. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I noticed it. | ||
| You came right over to me and sat with me and just talked like we had met. | ||
| But that's what I want. | ||
| People might not know that. | ||
| They just read shit or whatever about famous people. | ||
| It bothers me. | ||
| Well, because it's an untouchable position. | ||
| It's unreachable. | ||
| They think of them themselves being in that spot and they can't imagine it. | ||
| It's so far away from their reality that they assume that anybody who gets to that point is compromised. | ||
| You sold your soul to the devil and, you know, all these different things. | ||
| They feel like you're not a person anymore. | ||
| Which is so ridiculous. | ||
| It is, but there's oftentimes when people do meet famous people, they do encounter walls. | ||
| They feel like this person has a wall. | ||
| And some of it's because the people that are talking are idiots. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're just bumbling fucking dorks who just Can I get a picture holding your tits? | ||
| I know. | ||
| People are nuts, right? | ||
| And they don't know. | ||
| And also, people don't know how to react around. | ||
| Like, I remember the first time I ever met Anthony Bourdain. | ||
| I said, my wife says you're my boyfriend. | ||
| I'm like, oh my God. | ||
| Was he like, what? | ||
| I'm just like, what the fuck? | ||
| Because my wife used to say, oh, you're watching your boyfriend on TV. She would always joke around because I loved that No Reservation show. | ||
| So I said that to him. | ||
| It came out totally wrong. | ||
| But he's a guy I really admired, and here he is. | ||
| He's right there, and you're all uncomfortable and weird. | ||
| And so people are going to be like that with you. | ||
| I bet he was so down to earth. | ||
| He's super normal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was great. | ||
| So was De Niro. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What'd you do with De Niro? | ||
| Oh, Joe, this is the best story. | ||
| I was at the cellar late at night, and he was there with Taylor Hackford. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| He's a huge director, married to Helen Mirren. | ||
| He was the head of the Directors Guild, directed Ray in Officer and a Gentleman, like a huge amount of movies, huge. | ||
| And De Niro was looking for comics to be in his movie. | ||
| And I was doing a set, and I do this thing in my act where I turn around and talk to myself. | ||
| My special's called Talking to Myself, where I have an inner dialogue. | ||
| And I'm like, doesn't matter how this goes, you'll never make it. | ||
| You know, like I have a whole... | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| I put my back to the audience. | ||
| And he loved it. | ||
| And I went to Florida to do an old-age community fucking Jewish show. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| Yeah, and that Saturday I get a call... | ||
| And it's Taylor Hackford. | ||
| And he's like, this is Taylor Hackford. | ||
| And I'm like, okay, I had no idea who the hell he was. | ||
| And he's like, Bob would like to meet with you on Wednesday. | ||
| And I'm like, Bob who? | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| I'm like, Bob the Builder. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| He's like, Bob De Niro. | ||
| And I'm like, okay. | ||
| So I'm like, I can make it. | ||
| So I walk into the office and I walk in the room and he's sitting there. | ||
| And I was not starstruck. | ||
| It was the weirdest thing because he looked like just a guy from off the street. | ||
| Like he had jeans on and I don't know. | ||
| I just, he was like a regular guy to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I sat with him for three hours and I hit it off with him. | ||
| And to make a very long story short, I ended up being his right hand person in this movie. | ||
| I got a producer credit. | ||
| I was in his ear the whole time on a microphone. | ||
| I taught him how to do stand up. | ||
| He played a comic who had been doing it for 36 years in a movie called The Comedian. | ||
| I ended up directing some of the scenes. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| I mean, it might have been like six years ago. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Why do I not know about this movie? | ||
| Yeah, that's he and I. Look at you guys. | ||
| We became very close. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I love him dearly. | ||
| South Orange comedian gives tips to Robert De Niro. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's an amazing person. | ||
| He really is. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| So down to earth, you would think he has the biggest ego. | ||
| He has no ego. | ||
| You can't be that good. | ||
| He doesn't. | ||
| I mean, to be as good as he is, you gotta have a pretty strong mind. | ||
| Yeah, he's not... | ||
| And he... | ||
| I think like that I never was starstruck with him. | ||
| Like, I didn't care. | ||
| I just sat with him and was like... | ||
| And we're still very close. | ||
| And I love him. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| Like, he just... | ||
| He just doesn't give a shit. | ||
| He's so... | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| Like, he... | ||
| He has all these kids. | ||
| He's just really amazing. | ||
| He's really amazing. | ||
| How many kids does he have? | ||
| He has six kids. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| With one lady or a gang of chicks? | ||
| No, a couple. | ||
| A couple of different baby mamas? | ||
| Yeah, we talked about women together. | ||
| He's fucking amazing. | ||
| He just got divorced. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Just for the second time. | ||
| It's the same woman. | ||
| The same woman he got divorced to? | ||
| When guys are that old and they get divorced, I'm like, how bad must it be? | ||
| Yeah, for the second time. | ||
| When you want to be alone and you're 78 or whatever it is? | ||
| Well, the guy, let me tell you something. | ||
| He's hot. | ||
| He works out every morning at 5 in the morning with a trainer. | ||
| He's built. | ||
| He has tattoos all over him. | ||
| He does? | ||
| Yeah, he's tatted up. | ||
| He's got muscle. | ||
| Robert De Niro has tattoos all over the place? | ||
| I know, his chest. | ||
| Jamie, find these. | ||
| Does he have photos of them? | ||
| There might be. | ||
| I mean, there might be photos. | ||
| But I would sit with him in his trailer. | ||
| He was getting his makeup done. | ||
| But... | ||
| I hung out with Harvey Keitel. | ||
| They were all in the movie. | ||
| Harvey Keitel, Danny DeVito. | ||
| And I used to go out to dinner with them and lunch with them every day. | ||
| I would be starstruck if I met Harvey. | ||
| Harvey was like, I want to take you to lunch. | ||
| I want you to teach me how to do stand-up. | ||
| So I went to lunch with him. | ||
| I'm like, I am not teaching every old actor now how to do stand-up. | ||
| But I said to Harvey, why did you, you know, you're a Jewish guy from New York. | ||
| Why did you become a Marine? | ||
| He goes, so I could kill people. | ||
| That's what he said to me. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, he's a tough dude. | ||
| He might not want you to tell people that on a podcast. | ||
| No, he doesn't give a shit. | ||
| He's fucking amazing. | ||
| Harvey Keitel is amazing. | ||
| I love that dude. | ||
| He's a tough... | ||
| What an actor. | ||
| One little bitch ass tattoo. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Yeah, but he has more than that. | ||
| No, he has more than that. | ||
| Are you lying to me? | ||
| He's 100 years old in this movie. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, he has more than that. | ||
| Where does he have tattoos? | ||
| On the other arm. | ||
| He does. | ||
| He has more than that, for sure. | ||
| A lot of them? | ||
| Like me? | ||
| No, not like you. | ||
| I think he doesn't have any tattoos. | ||
| Wow, he must have got them after that. | ||
| Yeah, one year is that. | ||
| No, but that looks really recently. | ||
| Click on that. | ||
| Robert De Niro at the beach. | ||
| No, he doesn't have them like you. | ||
| That's three years ago, you crazy lying bitch. | ||
| No, you saw... | ||
| Why are you lying about Robert De Niro and his tattoos? | ||
| No, I'm not, because they might have put more on him for the movie. | ||
| I'm an idiot. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| But he does have them. | ||
| Okay, they're not real. | ||
| No, he has one in that photo. | ||
| Yeah, he got one little bitch-ass tattoo. | ||
| Look at that stupid little tiger crawling up his leg. | ||
| No, but seriously, it was after he had makeup done. | ||
| Maybe they put extra on him. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know if they did. | ||
| How weird, though. | ||
| Did they appear in the movie, the tattoos? | ||
| No. | ||
| Maybe he got him removed. | ||
| No, he did have more tattoos in the movie. | ||
| He did. | ||
| Maybe he got him removed. | ||
| He did because he was playing younger. | ||
| They painted his beard black. | ||
| He had a black mustache and black. | ||
| He wasn't gray in the movie. | ||
| He probably wanted to make him some degenerate type character. | ||
| Yeah, he was like in his 60s in the movie. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But he was great. | ||
| And he has no... | ||
| He's not stuck up or... | ||
| He's not egotistical. | ||
| He's not what people would think he is. | ||
| Well, he's a real artist. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| I mean, if you want to do a film like Taxi Driver or Cape Fear or any of the transformative movies, Raging Bull... | ||
| I mean, he was literally the first actor to decide he's gonna gain weight for a movie, right? | ||
| No one did that before him. | ||
| He transformed his literal body. | ||
| I mean, he was fucking shredded, and then he became really overweight for that movie, Raging Bull. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Wanna hear the best story? | ||
| The first day of filming was at a deli in Brooklyn, and Taylor Hackford didn't even know that he hired me to be his right-hand person. | ||
| So De Niro says, Jessica calls me and he's like, I want you to come to Brooklyn. | ||
| Come to the filming today. | ||
| I need you to punch up some jokes for me. | ||
| I'm like, oh boy, does Taylor know I'm coming? | ||
| He's like, I don't care. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just want you to show up and help me out. | |
| So I show up. | ||
| He's in the middle. | ||
| I get there a little late because of traffic. | ||
| He's in the middle of doing a scene with Danny DeVito and Patti LuPone, who plays Danny DeVito's wife, right? | ||
| So I walk in. | ||
| De Niro runs up to me. | ||
| He goes, I need a joke for this line. | ||
| So I give him a joke. | ||
| So I go wait in the side, and he says the line, and Patti and Danny start hysterically laughing. | ||
| So Taylor starts yelling. | ||
| What the fuck is going on here? | ||
| We got to get through this. | ||
| Why are they laughing? | ||
| So he goes, well, Jessica came in and gave me a joke. | ||
| So he comes over and he starts yelling at me. | ||
| This is the first day of filming. | ||
| He goes, you can't just do this. | ||
| You can't just come in here and screw up everything. | ||
| De Niro took his arm, and he goes, if you ever fucking talk to her like this, he starts screaming. | ||
| I'm like, what is happening? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where am I? I'm filming with Robert De Niro. | |
| I was just at the cellar doing a set. | ||
| Like, what is happening? | ||
| He goes, don't you ever fucking talk to her like that again? | ||
| I mean, that set the tone for the next six months. | ||
| Because he knew not to talk to me. | ||
| He set the tone. | ||
| Like, don't ever talk to her like that. | ||
| And I'm just sitting there, like, eating a freakish, like, where am I? What's happening? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did it settle down? | |
| It was amazing. | ||
| Oh, I was treated like gold after that. | ||
| His temper is... | ||
| Yeah, you don't... | ||
| I mean, when he yelled, my hair blew. | ||
| Like, my hair blew back. | ||
| Like a lion's roar? | ||
| Oh, he was... | ||
| Yeah, he's... | ||
| You don't screw with him. | ||
| What was Harvey Keitel like? | ||
| So intense. | ||
| So what you would think he is. | ||
| And he would get enraged before a scene. | ||
| He was a real Meisner actor. | ||
| Totally what you would think. | ||
| Very charming. | ||
| I mean, the three of them together. | ||
| Can you imagine going to dinner with Danny DeVito, Harvey Keitel, and De Niro? | ||
| I mean, it was unreal. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| And Leslie Mann was in it, so Judd was around a lot. | ||
| I mean, it was fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was fun. | ||
| Did you ever see Bad Lieutenant? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's his masterpiece. | ||
| I gotta see that. | ||
| It's a film that is not that famous in terms of, you know, he was in Pulp Fiction, he's been in so many films, but that is probably his piece de resistance. | ||
| It's a masterpiece. | ||
| It's about this crazy, corrupt cop. | ||
| It's a wild fucking movie. | ||
| I think it was in, I want to say it was in the 80s. | ||
| 92? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| 1992. Fucking crazy movie. | ||
| I gotta see it. | ||
| I mean, he was, the acting, watching them act together was just unbelievable. | ||
| He pulls over these girls. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the cover of the, there's like a poster. | ||
| That's the poster of the movie right there. | ||
| Go down the, yeah, that's it right there. | ||
| Gambler, thief, junkie, killer, cop. | ||
| Junkie, yeah. | ||
| It is a great movie. | ||
| I can't recommend it enough. | ||
| I mean, there's so many wild fucking scenes in that. | ||
| But he just plays this completely out of control cop, and you believe every second of it. | ||
| There's no better actor. | ||
| I mean, those are the top, besides Pacino and a couple of other people. | ||
| Daniel Day-Lewis, a few other folks. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Those are... | ||
| As good as it gets. | ||
| I mean, I would just watch them and be in shock. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| You realize that there's actors that are just trying to be famous and then there's people who are legitimately artists and they can do things in a movie that no one else can do. | ||
| They can do things just like the way a comic can kill. | ||
| You've been doing comedy for 25 years. | ||
| They can do that with acting. | ||
| They have this precision way of encapsulating the character and And they have rapport with each other. | ||
| Some of them have worked together so many times that it's like incredible. | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
| Like we think about, you think about what an actor is. | ||
| Like you go to see a movie and this guy is the captain of like a spaceship and, you know, he's talking to this guy who's the president, but you know who these people are. | ||
| Like, you know, that's Will Smith. | ||
| You know, that's this person. | ||
| Like, this is not really... | ||
| But you buy it, right? | ||
| Oh, it's Tom Cruise. | ||
| Like, you buy it. | ||
| But even though you know exactly who they are... | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's very weird. | ||
| You don't think about that. | ||
| Also, that's what we want. | ||
| We want the people we already know. | ||
| Oh... | ||
| It's fucking that guy. | ||
| You know, we want that. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even when you know them personally, you still believe it. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| Like a friend of yours is in a movie. | ||
| You still believe it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like if Bill Burr is in something, you still don't see him as Bill. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's very strange that we want famous people to play parts in movies where we know... | ||
| Like, that's one of the great things, I think, about Game of Thrones, is that... | ||
| Oh, what a great show. | ||
| Amazing show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| But no one really in that show was a very famous actor. | ||
| No one. | ||
| But they're all brilliant. | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| But Jon Snow was Jon Snow. | ||
| He didn't have another point of reference. | ||
| You didn't think, oh, it's that dude from that sitcom with fucking Molly Shannon from the 90s. | ||
| You didn't think that. | ||
| No. | ||
| But now you'll think it when he's in something else. | ||
| That's Jon Snow. | ||
| It's Jon Snow. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, Michael Imperioli is Christopher Moltisanti for the rest of his fucking life, whether he likes it or not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's just who he is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I mean, it was such an amazing, iconic... | ||
| Like, when he was in here, he came in to do a podcast, and I'm sitting there talking to him. | ||
| I'm like, that's Christopher Moltisanti. | ||
| No, it's Michael Imperioli. | ||
| He's a great actor. | ||
| He's kind of like, hey, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But he's the guy from The Sopranos. | ||
| Well, there's some roles where you always see that person as, you know... | ||
| Al Bundy. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But then some you don't always see them as. | ||
| But yeah, of course. | ||
| Like Al Bundy, you always see him as Al Bundy. | ||
| He's always going to be Al Bundy. | ||
| Yeah, to me too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ed O'Neill is Al Bundy. | ||
| Period. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even in that Modern Family show, he's like a newer version of Al Bundy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me too! | |
| I still see him as Al Bundy in that show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| It'll always be that way. | ||
| And then his wife from that, when she was on Sons of Anarchy, I'm like, oh, that's Peg Bundy. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That was one of my favorite shows. | ||
| I never watched it. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| It's dark as shit. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I feel like you should watch it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's dark. | ||
| There's too many things to watch. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I don't watch anything. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I don't watch a lot of TV anymore. | ||
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
| What do you watch? | ||
| I play video games on my phone. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| I do. | ||
| What do you play, like Subway Surfer? | ||
| I play slots a lot. | ||
| I mean, not for real money. | ||
| Oh my god, you are an old Jewish lady. | ||
| I play Mahjong and... | ||
| You play slots on your phone. | ||
| Is there more of a waste of time than just fucking... | ||
| They're fun slots. | ||
| They're from the real casinos where you play. | ||
| But you don't win any money. | ||
| They're not dumb. | ||
| Yeah, you win fake money, but they're mindless. | ||
| I need to do mindless shit. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| I get very... | ||
| I'm always in my head. | ||
| I'm talking to myself all day. | ||
| So you need like a little bit of a break. | ||
| Yeah, even some shows can be too intense. | ||
| Like, I just don't want to think a lot. | ||
| Yeah, I know what you're saying. | ||
| I like, you know, dumb TV. Entertainment. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Just entertain me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just take me away for a little bit. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you say you like mindless things and you like video games, is there anything else that you do to just disconnect other than video games? | ||
| I mean, being with my kids, I completely disconnect when I'm around them. | ||
| I love being with them. | ||
| I started up taking, you know, I'm going to start playing tennis again. | ||
| That's something I did my whole childhood. | ||
| That shit's rough on the knees. | ||
| I know, but I love it so much. | ||
| So I used to play a lot. | ||
| My mom's very into pickleball. | ||
| She plays every day. | ||
| I've heard of that term, but I do not know what it means. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a big thing now. | |
| I've heard that. | ||
| People say they're going to play pickleball. | ||
| I'm like, what are you even saying? | ||
| And I don't even Google it. | ||
| It's with a smaller racket. | ||
| Do you want to show him what the racket is? | ||
| Yeah, show me what the pickleball is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the ball is like... | ||
| Isn't it like a... | ||
| It's like a wiffle ball. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| Let me see some pickleball. | ||
| It's a huge thing now. | ||
| Look at the court. | ||
| It's a small court. | ||
| That's real? | ||
| That's the paddle and ball. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, it's like all the rave now. | ||
| When did this get invented? | ||
| I think a long time ago. | ||
| Is this for people who can't move good? | ||
| Yeah, this is probably better for me. | ||
| I don't have to even move. | ||
| Yeah, look at these old dead people. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| You have to move. | ||
| It's like you move more than ping pong, less than tennis. | ||
| Look at that lady with the blue visor, how intense she is. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| She wants to win. | ||
| She hates her husband and she wants to win. | ||
| That's what I see in that picture. | ||
| I might be wrong. | ||
| I've played it twice. | ||
| The rules are confusing. | ||
| I think you're right. | ||
| The rules are what? | ||
| The rules are confusing. | ||
| I'll be honest with you. | ||
| It'd be hard for me to try to explain it to you right now. | ||
| It's not like a doubles tennis thing? | ||
| No, because there's rules about how you have to say the score and that little area in the front here, that line, that area is called the kitchen. | ||
| You can't hit from inside the kitchen. | ||
| Why it's even called that is it almost gets confusing. | ||
| My mom is like a top player in her town. | ||
| She's amazing at it. | ||
| She got a hundred score yesterday for her games last week. | ||
| She's amazing. | ||
| She's in amazing shape though. | ||
| No, she's incredible. | ||
| So this pickleball keeps her active. | ||
| Yeah, she's in incredible shape and she plays every day. | ||
| She's in a league. | ||
| Does it move slower? | ||
| Is that what the idea is? | ||
| Let me see a video. | ||
| Yeah, I wonder if you... | ||
| Yeah, you just can't hit fast. | ||
| Because it's a wiffle ball, you know, there's only a limit to the speed. | ||
| What is pickleball? | ||
| Learn about one of the fastest growing... | ||
| Yeah, it's like the biggest thing. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| You're that dork. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Guys, about pickleball. | |
| Pickleball is the fastest growing sport in America. | ||
| It was invented by three dads on Bainbridge Island back in 1965. Oh, Seattle. | ||
| It's a combination of tennis, ping pong, and badminton. | ||
| It's played on a badminton-sized court with a net about two inches shorter than a tennis net. | ||
| You play it with a paddle a little bit bigger than a ping pong paddle and a little more durable wiffle ball. | ||
| You can play it as either doubles or singles. | ||
| So singles is one on one, doubles is a combination of two teams, two on two. | ||
| It's growing for a number of reasons. | ||
| It's a lot easier on the body, and it's a lot easier to pick up. | ||
| Most racket sports require hours and hours of lessons, but with pickleball, you can walk onto a court, pick up a paddle, and within five minutes of learning how to play, you can be playing a competitive game with your friends. | ||
| Oh, all of a sudden I want to play pickleball. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I'm going to do that instead. | ||
| Like you watch a video and all of a sudden you want to start cooking? | ||
| Look, I want to make a brisket. | ||
| I want to learn pickleball. | ||
| That really sold it for me. | ||
| I get sold so easy. | ||
| In five minutes, you can play and you don't have to move hardly. | ||
| I started looking at videos about building furniture and I started thinking about really making my own furniture. | ||
| You should make your own furniture. | ||
| I'm not going to. | ||
| Why? | ||
| It's too much time. | ||
| But when I see people do it and they get excited, I see them playing in the wood and everything, I go, oh, that looks awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That looks so cool. | ||
| That's not my thing, believe it or not, because I'm a lesbian. | ||
| But my wife would do it, even though she's very feminine. | ||
| She likes that shit. | ||
| She makes furniture? | ||
| Yeah, she's not Jewish. | ||
| Jewish people don't make furniture? | ||
| No, we don't make anything. | ||
| We don't even change a light bulb. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| We hire people. | ||
| Oh, well. | ||
| That's allocation of time. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Management of resources. | ||
| My father couldn't do anything like that. | ||
| No? | ||
| No, he would get so angry that he couldn't do it, too. | ||
| And when my dad was angry, he would rip off his toupee and throw it. | ||
| Oh my God, that would have been amazing. | ||
| He would rip it off? | ||
| Yeah, he'd go, what the fuck, and just rip it off the tape and then throw it across the room. | ||
| Did you go, oh my God? | ||
| Yeah, I was like, okay, time to leave the room. | ||
| Did you know that it wasn't his real hair? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I did. | ||
| I'd watch him put it on. | ||
| Was there ever a time where that was acceptable? | ||
| What? | ||
| Toupees. | ||
| His looked pretty good. | ||
| It was expensive. | ||
| He was a good-looking man. | ||
| Well, sometimes he was lazy with it and it looked like he just ran over an animal and just threw it in the air and wherever it landed, it landed. | ||
| Whenever I think of toupees, I think about Goodfellas and that dude, Morty's wigs, where you jump in the pool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But his was a fortune, and it was on like a white, one of those styrofoam heads, like he took care of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, nice. | |
| Did he brush it and condition it? | ||
| He talked it and walked it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| The day they figure out how to stop balding for men. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Would you ever wear... | ||
| I'm thinking about wearing one right now. | ||
| I'm thinking of Afro. | ||
| I'm thinking of making it real obvious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would die. | |
| Real obvious. | ||
| That would be with a pic in it. | ||
| You should really... | ||
| And then we'll go to Gospel Church. | ||
| You know what guys are doing now? | ||
| What? | ||
| They're getting stubble tattooed on their head. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's very realistic. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| You can see my stubble on the sides where I have hair. | ||
| What they're doing is they're tattooing stubble all over the top of their head. | ||
| It's like a new thing over the last, I don't know, 10 years or so. | ||
| When did you go bald? | ||
| Slowly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| That looks good. | ||
| I started going bald when I was in my early 20s. | ||
| Yeah, isn't it weird, though? | ||
| It's very weird. | ||
| Because here's my thought. | ||
| If you look at these tattoos that I have, they're more than 10 years old. | ||
| And the lines have started to get a little blurry. | ||
| So my thought is, if those little dots start getting blurry, you're just going to have mush on the top of your head. | ||
| Like, how do they keep that from happening? | ||
| I don't know, but that must kill. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, tattoos don't really hurt that much. | ||
| It killed me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Where'd you get it? | ||
| On my back. | ||
| I have two on my back that killed on my shoulder, believe it. | ||
| But I'm a pussy. | ||
| I think back is real sensitive, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's spots that hurt, like this spot right here down by the elbow, that's very sensitive. | ||
| Right by your bone, that's why. | ||
| And up here by my chest is very sensitive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But the shoulders, you could fall asleep. | ||
| If I'm getting tattooed on my shoulder, I could literally fall asleep. | ||
| It doesn't feel like anything. | ||
| It's weird how much more sensitive certain areas are. | ||
| I heard on the top of your foot is horrible. | ||
| Ooh, I bet. | ||
| Yeah, that seems like it'd be real sensitive. | ||
| The top of your hands, I bet that would be real sensitive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So your head would be real sensitive then. | ||
| Of course, right? | ||
| I think it would really hurt. | ||
| That's a good sound. | ||
| Would scalp micropigmentation be another way of saying head tattoo? | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| Right, okay. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Right, so just saying those words differently. | ||
| They're saying micropigmentation to make you feel like you're not getting your head tattooed. | ||
| It's little tiny dots. | ||
| The problem is, like I said, if it, after time, it's gonna, like, you could see these lines. | ||
| They used to be, they still look great, but they used to be more defined. | ||
| Like, they get a little blurry. | ||
| That's how you can tell an old tattoo versus a fresh tattoo. | ||
| So when you're looking at those dudes' heads, like right now, it looks like real stubble because you just got it. | ||
| Then it's going to look like, yeah. | ||
| It's going to look weird. | ||
| And then if a girl rubs your head, she's going to go, hey, why is it so smooth? | ||
| Where the fuck is all this stubble? | ||
| If someone's got a stubble fetish, she's like, rub your head on my pussy. | ||
| Yeah, can you imagine? | ||
| They've had to work on this sentence so that it doesn't say tattoo. | ||
| It's a non-invasive treatment that uses detailed micro needles to deposit pigment into the scalp. | ||
| Oh, it's like a tattoo, but different. | ||
| It gives you the look of a buzz cut or a short hair stubble. | ||
| So why don't you Google what happens to micropigmentation in 10 years? | ||
| That's what I want to know. | ||
| It's not a good situation. | ||
| It's going to be horrible. | ||
| It's like the top of your head. | ||
| Unless you want to go full Travis Barker. | ||
| Travis Barker is a wild motherfucker. | ||
| He just tattooed his whole top of his head like where his hairline is. | ||
| But it's like cool designs and women's heads and shit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're not wrong. | ||
| Oh, is that what it looks like? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Removal after 10 years. | ||
| Oh, he got it removed. | ||
| He's getting it removed. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| What's this guy saying? | ||
| Let's hear what he's saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It sucks being bald again. | |
| I don't know how else to say it. | ||
| Having this goofy hairline doesn't help, but just not having my hairline again, I feel exposed again. | ||
| I feel... | ||
| Not confident. | ||
| It's pretty crazy. | ||
| So check out my video of me getting the laser... | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Go to the beginning. | ||
| Why is he doing it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
...sad, depressed. | |
| So in this moment, I lived with four other guys, always had a hat on, and I had makeup in my hair all the time. | ||
| I got to the point where you can tell now I got too bald where even makeup wasn't able to hide how bald I was. | ||
| This is so depressing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I felt exposed in this picture, as you can clearly see. | |
| So anyway, found hair tattoo, scalp micropigmentation is another word for it, by the way. | ||
| This was my initial treatment. | ||
| So this was two years after I got my treatment done. | ||
| So this was 2011. And that already shows right there. | ||
| I was so grateful for this in the moment. | ||
| Looking at it now, I mean, I'm so grateful for it, happy to have it. | ||
| I'd have this over the alternative that I just showed you, not having hair. | ||
| But look how goofy that hairline looks. | ||
| It doesn't look natural. | ||
| It doesn't look appropriate. | ||
| Look at that sharp line down here. | ||
| It doesn't look like a natural hairline, but definitely assembled some hair. | ||
| Definitely better than what we just had, for sure. | ||
| So that was me two years later. | ||
| And then I decided a few years after that, I started training people how to do this. | ||
| And when I trained someone I thought was pretty good, I had them do my hairline. | ||
| That's not the best picture of the hairline there. | ||
| But anyway, it just looks stamped on after a while. | ||
| Again, in the moment, it was great. | ||
| The evolution of this industry. | ||
| Oh, hold on. | ||
| Play it back there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, so he is taking it off and putting it back on. | |
| Yeah, because he just did it too early. | ||
| He did it when they... | ||
| Oh, so go to the end where they're putting it back on him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Oh, no, he's got glasses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're cooking it. | |
| This is them taking it off. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They take it off with lasers. | ||
| So he's getting it taken off and then he's going to get it done again with the new technology. | ||
| He just cooked his head. | ||
| He cooked his head. | ||
| Look at he's cooking his head. | ||
| Whoa, son. | ||
| That's supposed to be super painful. | ||
| Very. | ||
| Much more painful. | ||
| I've got an old tattoo that I've been thinking about getting lasered off to finish this sleeve, and I heard it's very painful. | ||
| It's supposed to be very painful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they say tattoos are painful, too. | ||
| I think it's really dependent on... | ||
| That stuff's apparently only been around for 12 years. | ||
| The micropigmentation? | ||
| Yeah, to know it looks like 10 years later. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| He's one of the first people. | ||
| So he was the early adopter. | ||
| See, that's the thing. | ||
| It's like he's getting it lasered off because I think it all gets blurry and it looks fake. | ||
| It looks like you got... | ||
| You know initially it can last between five and ten years. | ||
| So so what do you do after five years though? | ||
| That's what I'm saying Go to Travis Barker said this might be the better option to everything else over it Yeah, Travis Barker and Jason Ellis has his head tattooed like I think he's got a wolf's head up there I think that's a better idea to just get something random and Travis Barker's got wild shit tattooed on his head. | ||
| He's a real tattoo junkie. | ||
| I mean, he's essentially got every part of his body tattooed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Oh, Kourtney Kardashian tattoos. | ||
| I love you on his arm. | ||
| Yeah, he's getting tattoos over tattoos. | ||
| Aww. | ||
| But see if you could find some photos of his head tattoo because it's pretty detailed. | ||
| It's cool when you see it in real life. | ||
| It's very interesting. | ||
| He's got really good work. | ||
| Yeah, look at his tattoo. | ||
| I mean, they're amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| You see the top of his head. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a woman. | ||
| I mean, if you're going to get a head tattoo, that's incredible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, he goes to guys like Mr. Cartoon and some of the best tattoo artists in the world. | ||
| But, you know, he loves tattoos. | ||
| He's a really nice guy. | ||
| Like a super, super nice guy. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| He's got a fucking gas mask on the back of it. | ||
| One life, one chance. | ||
| Is that Reggie Watts? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got Reggie Watts tattooed on the back of his head. | |
| He's an odd fellow, but he's a really, really nice guy. | ||
| Really nice guy. | ||
| I see that. | ||
| That plane accident was horrible. | ||
| That story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's a scary story. | |
| Terrifying. | ||
| I wonder if that's why he got so many tattoos, because of the burns and everything. | ||
| Could very well be. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Some of them, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure. | ||
| I mean, he had to get a bunch of skin grafts and all kinds of stuff. | ||
| Skin grafts weren't taking because he's a vegan, so he was telling me he was eating a bunch of beef jerky and shit, just eating all kinds of meat just to try to get his body to heal quicker. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's vegan for ideological reasons. | ||
| And so when he had this injury, he had to just put that aside and just... | ||
| Eat meat to heal up. | ||
| He owns Crossroads. | ||
| He's one of the best vegan restaurants in LA. Wow. | ||
| It's supposed to be really good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My friend, who's not vegan at all, went there. | ||
| My friend Dana White went there and said, dude, it's fucking amazing. | ||
| The food's fantastic. | ||
| He's like, you forget you're eating vegan. | ||
| Yeah, I've been to some great vegan restaurants in LA. There's a few of them. | ||
| I mean, it's like everything else. | ||
| Some people just do it right. | ||
| You know, some people, like everything. | ||
| Some people are just artists. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They really know how to do it. | ||
| They have great restaurants here in Austin. | ||
| Fuck yeah, they do. | ||
| I love it here. | ||
| So you should move here. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I wish I could. | ||
| When I open up my club, move here. | ||
| Bring your kids. | ||
| Just drag them across the country. | ||
| I think I'm going to start coming like every six weeks or something. | ||
| I love it here. | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| It's so great. | ||
| I'd be happy if you did that. | ||
| It'd be awesome. | ||
| I really, like, I just, it's so amazing here and the audiences are incredible. | ||
| Incredible, right? | ||
| They're so great. | ||
| We had a late show last night, 10.30 on a Wednesday. | ||
| It was incredible. | ||
| Show was over at like 12.30 and fucking people were like full of energy. | ||
| So much fun. | ||
| I did Moon Tower last week. | ||
| I did like 12 shows. | ||
| They were unreal. | ||
| It's the best town. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| It's not too big. | ||
| It's not overwhelming. | ||
| There's like a thing that happens when you get so many million people where people don't give a fuck about it, each other. | ||
| That doesn't happen here. | ||
| It's like the vibe is still very friendly and fairly small. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, it was great. | ||
| It was really great. | ||
| I love the audiences because no matter where people stand and the political shit, it's not divided. | ||
| Everyone gets together and laughs. | ||
| There's still a great energy. | ||
| Because in some cities, it's really divided. | ||
| Well, this place is a very balanced place in that the city itself, Austin, is very progressive. | ||
| It's very liberal, but it's surrounded by red. | ||
| Everyone on the outside has bullets and guns and fucking ranches and shit. | ||
| It's like there's a balance, like a healthy respect and appreciation for each other. | ||
| You don't get a lot of places. | ||
| And that doesn't come out in the audience. | ||
| That's what I mean, because some places it's just so tense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You feel the tension in the audience. | ||
| Well, you feel a bunch of people that work in an environment where they're under the thumb of human resources every day and every microaggression is analyzed and everything you do could possibly be misconstrued as being, you know, whatever it is, sexist, racist, homophobic, whatever it is. | ||
| They're just, everyone's tense. | ||
| And then you got a comic like yourself on stage talking wild shit and they're like, I just go for it at this point. | ||
| I can't care anymore. | ||
| I just really just have to stay true to who I am and I know everything I say is coming from a good place and a loving place. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| And you have an audience. | ||
| People who already know what you do, love you, and they want to come see you. | ||
| You can't change now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Imagine being an up-and-coming stand-up today. | ||
| I think about that all the time. | ||
| I don't think I could do it. | ||
| You could do it. | ||
| No, I'm saying... | ||
| Meaning, like, I've talked to some women who are starting out now, and they are like, I'm so afraid. | ||
| I'm afraid to say anything. | ||
| I'm like, they are so... | ||
| I'm like, you know what? | ||
| You have a great ass. | ||
| You'll be fine. | ||
| Well, you know the thing about being afraid. | ||
| I never had that to depend on. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| That's probably what helped you. | ||
| Uh, yeah, it's taken a long time. | ||
| I mean, I never went up with this hot body and this, you know, I never had a lot of help. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| I'm serious. | ||
| I don't think that helps, though. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| No, I think it's a distraction. | ||
| I think for women, like, for a woman to go on stage, like, in a hot dress, like, tight and everything like that, I think it's a very, and I think women don't like seeing that. | ||
| Like, they want to be like, ah, this bitch, who the fuck she thinks she is? | ||
| Well, I think some male comics do help women like that. | ||
| Oh, because they're trying to fuck them? | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah, but that doesn't really help. | ||
| And I think the industry sometimes has given opportunities to women like that. | ||
| Don't you think? | ||
| Comedy Central and shit like that. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I can't name a person. | ||
| If I did, I wouldn't. | ||
| But what would help them is if no one gave them help. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's what would really help them. | ||
| That's what helped me. | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
| Figured out. | ||
| That's what helped me. | ||
| I mean, all the male comics in New York were always like, I don't see you as a female comic, I see you as a comic. | ||
| I just never relied on, I never used that. | ||
| It was never part of my thing. | ||
| Well, all the good ones are just comics. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| Whether it's Whitney Cummings or Christina Prasitsky. | ||
| The good ones are just comics. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| One of the things about comedy is if you're really good, everyone just appreciates you as a comic. | ||
| It's a real meritocracy in that regard. | ||
| When you kill, people respect you and they love you. | ||
| But if you're famous and you bomb, nobody wants to have anything to do with you. | ||
| I know, that's so true. | ||
| Have you seen that before? | ||
| Have I seen it before? | ||
| I know, yeah, but I want you to talk about it. | ||
| No, I'm not! | ||
| It's so ugly! | ||
| When you watch someone who's famous and they go on stage and the audience recognizes like a minute into their act, like, oh no. | ||
| Oh, well, let's talk about that. | ||
| So the second they go on, people freak the fuck out. | ||
| I'm talking, they will a lot of times get out of their seat and stand up. | ||
| They scream and jump out of their seats. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| Right? | ||
| Especially if someone drops into the cellar. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Especially in New York, it's amazing to watch because one minute in, if they're not funny, it doesn't matter who, and I've seen it with the biggest, the biggest, most famous people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One minute in, if they're not funny, the crowd is done. | ||
| They get upset at you. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's it. | ||
| They shut off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't like you. | |
| They hate you. | ||
| If one minute in and you're a nobody, they're like, maybe it gets better. | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| They'll give you a shot. | ||
| They'll give you a shot! | ||
| He's just starting out. | ||
| Maybe one day he'll be really good and I can say I saw him at the cellar bombing. | ||
| It's so true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if you're famous and you don't deliver right away, they're done. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| You're an idiot. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because there's like a certain amount of resentment that they have for you being famous already. | ||
| But they don't even realize they had until you were bombing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I've said this before, but I'll say it again. | ||
| I think because of the internet, comedians realize now that this isn't a famine mentality business anymore. | ||
| Because when I was coming up in the 90s, it was very famine mentality. | ||
| There was a few slots. | ||
| If you wanted to get on a sitcom, there was like... | ||
| Four or five people on each sitcom and you know the odds of you getting on one of those is very small And if you had a development deal the odds of you getting a pilot and that pilot be on the air very small The odds of you being the host of tonight show extremely small So everybody was cutthroat and everybody thought of other comics as being competitors, right? | ||
| But then the internet came around and people started uploading their stuff on YouTube and they started having podcasts and they realized like oh there's room for everybody and There's totally room for everybody. | ||
| There's no reason for us to be... | ||
| A lot of people recognize, like, these are the only people I understand as comics. | ||
| And now you can treat them as community instead of treating them as, like, competitors on the battlefield. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What year did you start? | ||
| 88. Oh, my God. | ||
| Back in the day. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| That's wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've been in this. | ||
| I just celebrated 33 years. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| A couple weeks ago. | ||
| Or a month ago, rather. | ||
| August 27th, 1988. In L.A.? No. | ||
| Boston. | ||
| Oh, right, right, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't come to LA until 94. That's such a good place. | ||
| Boston's a good place to start. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| I just played in Boston. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| Yeah, everyone's angry. | ||
| Everyone's cold. | ||
| They'll punch you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They have to work in the morning. | ||
| You can't be self-indulgent. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Oh, there's such good crowds. | ||
| I just played at Laugh Boston. | ||
| It was so much fun. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It was a beautiful club. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, when I was coming up, there was five clubs on one street. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Boston was so crazy. | ||
| In the 80s, have you ever seen When Stand Up Stood Out? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's a documentary by Fran Solomita. | ||
| He was a Boston comic, and it detailed the rise of Stephen Wright and Lenny Clark and Steve Sweeney and Don Gavin and Kevin Knox and all these huge Boston comedians. | ||
| Don Gavin, who's in my opinion one of the greatest of all time. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| They were so good. | ||
| And this one time in history in the 1980s, a lot of it was because of Barry Crimmins, who was like sort of the godfather of the community. | ||
| Barry Crimmins had established this environment, this place called the Ding Ho. | ||
| And the Ding Ho was a Chinese restaurant that they did comedy at. | ||
| And it was so good there, and these comics had gotten so good that it branched out, and all these comedy clubs started being built. | ||
| And so on one block, there was Nick's Comedy Stop. | ||
| Down the street from Nick's was the Comedy Connection. | ||
| Above Nick's was the Comedy Club at the Charles Playhouse. | ||
| Across the street was Duck Soup. | ||
| And then one block away was Dick Daugherty's Comedy Vault. | ||
| So on one little street, like within... | ||
| Couple minutes of each other there was five comedy clubs. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| It was a crazy place and there was Packed houses every night packed packed houses I mean except for open mic night, which is kind of sparse But they always are on you know Tuesday Wednesday, whatever the fuck it was. | ||
| There was always big crowds and And these guys would sell out shows every weekend, all over town. | ||
| There was Stitch's Comedy Club that was on the other side of town. | ||
| There was another place called Play It Again Sam's that was like a movie theater that had comedy. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| And there were so many comics, and they were so good. | ||
| Boston, oh my god, known for like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Patrice, Bill Burr, Nick DiPaolo. | ||
| I mean, you could go down the line. | ||
| There were so many great comics. | ||
| Jay Leno, so many comics came from Boston. | ||
| Did you just start doing, I don't know if you talk about this a lot on the podcast, but I'm just curious, did you just start doing open mics? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I took a class. | ||
| I couldn't just start doing it. | ||
| I was panicked to get on stage. | ||
| How old were you at the time? | ||
| 29. What year was this? | ||
| 19, I started in 99. I was panicked. | ||
| Why were you so panicked? | ||
| I had never been on stage before in front of people. | ||
| I was going for a master's in social work. | ||
| My grandmother told me to do it. | ||
| She literally said, every time there's people around you, they're laughing. | ||
| You need to be a comedian. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I was like, I can't do that. | ||
| I could never do that. | ||
| And she's like, you have to. | ||
| So your grandmother talked you into it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would have never done it if she didn't say that to me that day. | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
| And I was always the class clown and, you know, always getting in trouble. | ||
| So it was always there? | ||
| Everyone said, it's no shock you're a stand-up. | ||
| Wow, that's awesome. | ||
| But I was really nervous. | ||
| So the fact that you just went and did an open mic is so amazing to me because I'm always impressed. | ||
| Well, that's how most people do it, right? | ||
| I know, but I'm always impressed with that because... | ||
| Well, in the 80s, there wasn't really much comedy classes available. | ||
| In Boston, there was none that I was aware of. | ||
| I mean, they might have existed. | ||
| I just didn't know about them. | ||
| So you would go to Stitches, and Stitches had an open mic night. | ||
| That was the place that everybody would go, because it was the easiest to get up on the open mic night. | ||
| And you would go on Sunday night. | ||
| And Jonathan Katz from Mr. Katz, he was the host of the show. | ||
| Were you nervous? | ||
| Oh my god, I was terrified. | ||
| Terrified. | ||
| Terrifying. | ||
| I almost quit. | ||
| I almost backed out. | ||
| There was an opportunity for me to chicken out, and I almost took it. | ||
| And I literally had a voice in my head saying, no, this is what you're supposed to do. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Like a real voice. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| That I've never had before. | ||
| I've never had it since. | ||
| Never had it before that. | ||
| It was like a real voice in my head that said, no, no, no. | ||
| This is what you're supposed to do. | ||
| I was like, oh my God. | ||
| I was so scared. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so scary. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then once I did it, I knew. | ||
| I wasn't even good. | ||
| The first time I did it, I was like, but I realized, I think I can do this. | ||
| I was such a misfit. | ||
| I didn't fit in in regular life. | ||
| I didn't feel like I had any sort of a future in the corporate world. | ||
| I didn't have a safety net. | ||
| It wasn't a lot that was going to work out for me. | ||
| Yeah, that is the fit. | ||
| Plus, the power I felt on stage, even though it did not go great, I still... | ||
| That power is incredible that you feel standing in front of people with a microphone. | ||
| It's really amazing. | ||
| Well, it's a weird puzzle, right? | ||
| You're like, I think I can solve this puzzle. | ||
| And then you see other people solve it. | ||
| That was one of the real cool things was I got to see, you know, Jonathan Katz. | ||
| It was very funny, obviously. | ||
| But I got to see other comics who are professionals would drop in and they would do sets at this open mic night. | ||
| And so I got to see, you know, guys like Teddy Bergeron. | ||
| I don't know if you know who he is. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| At the time, in 1988, Teddy Bergeron was one of the best comics on earth. | ||
| He had done The Tonight Show, and everybody was like praising him, and his timing was so good. | ||
| He made you want to quit comedy. | ||
| His timing was so smooth and so good, you couldn't believe it. | ||
| And so, I saw a few of those guys too, and I remember thinking like, oh my god, there's so many levels to this. | ||
| Like, I had no idea. | ||
| I had no idea there's... | ||
| And then also, here's a big part, you get to see people who really suck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you go, oh, I'm not as bad as that person. | |
| So I'll be better than them. | ||
| You really see people who are horrific. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| That's what I did before I did comedy. | ||
| I saw an open mic night. | ||
| And I saw some people... | ||
| It's because, you know, if you've never seen live comedy, you assume that all the comedians are going to be like Richard Pryor. | ||
| Because you've seen Richard Pryor do comedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then you go and you go, oh, this is... | ||
| Oh, these are terrible. | ||
| Okay, I can do this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And it's very scary when someone doesn't even get a smile and they think they killed. | ||
| Like, it's nuts. | ||
| That would make me think people were mentally, very mentally ill. | ||
| Well, they are. | ||
| When they would get off and go, that was great. | ||
| And I'm like, for who? | ||
| Like, no one even smiled. | ||
| Forget about laughing. | ||
| People looked concerned. | ||
| And you thought you just killed. | ||
| Like, you're not okay. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of people that will wear a mask to try to hide from reality, and that's one of the things they would do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I am delivered! | ||
| Yeah, people, like, they want to pretend that things are different than what they are, you know? | ||
| And they feel like just by pretending they did well. | ||
| But don't you, I mean, I never think I, I could get a standing ovation and look at the one man just staring at me and be like, that did not go great. | ||
| Or the one line that you flubbed. | ||
| Of course! | ||
| I will murder and get a standing ovation and then I'll think about one line that I fucked up for days. | ||
| It would drive me nuts. | ||
| I'll be in the gym and just in the middle of my workout going, fuck! | ||
| Fuck, fuck, fuck! | ||
| But I think that's what makes you good. | ||
| Because you don't really... | ||
| Like last night went great. | ||
| I had a great time. | ||
| It was a great show. | ||
| And I'm okay. | ||
| But luckily nothing fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I'm not happy with it. | |
| That's how I feel all the time. | ||
| I always say to the crowd, no matter how much you clap, it'll never fill the hole. | ||
| And some of them look confused and I'm like my emotional halt like it'll never I just but I think the best comics feel that way I think so I think to be really good You I think you have to be really self-critical because you're always changing and analyzing and you're always You're auditing your act you're looking at the bits and like is this worthy? | ||
| Is this good? | ||
| You know you gotta I look at my act like a hater like I'm a hater me too. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's the best way Yeah. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I make myself nauseous sometimes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You should. | ||
| Doug Stanhope told me, I think he said he looked at his act like he was trying to defend it like a defense attorney and then would go over the bits that way, like if you had to defend them in court, which is very smart. | ||
| That's very smart. | ||
| Very smart, yeah. | ||
| It's a good way to do it. | ||
| And I had a similar approach in that I would go over it like if I was someone who hated me and saw me do comedy, Like, what part would I mock? | ||
| I gotta get rid of that part. | ||
| That's tough. | ||
| Yeah, I gotta cut that out. | ||
| I gotta make these bits better. | ||
| Just make them undeniable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| So that even if someone's a hater, like, that guy's an asshole, but fuck, he killed. | ||
| Yeah, I don't... | ||
| I'm never okay with jokes that just get... | ||
| Like, I wanna rip the room apart. | ||
| Yeah, and those jokes, it's like sometimes you can hang on to them and they'll grow and blossom and become something killer, but you never know when. | ||
| You never know if you should abandon them or keep going. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I give it like a couple of months and then I... Normally I'll be like, this one's not gonna... | ||
| I can tell sometimes when it's just not gonna go anywhere. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, there's bits that you can tell and then there's other ones that one day you just figure it out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like one day you just go down another road when you're on stage and all of a sudden everyone's laughing. | ||
| You're like, holy fuck, I found it. | ||
| It's the best, isn't it? | ||
| It's a wild feeling. | ||
| It's a wild feeling. | ||
| I worked with Shane Gillis last night, and he's got these new bits that he's working on, and it's so funny because he goes on stage, he's killing, and then he has these new bits that he inserts, and he goes, and then I fucking eat shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because these new bits are just not ready. | |
| And I go, but one day, they'll be ready. | ||
| He's like, yeah, but not tonight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| And we all know that pain. | ||
| It's horrific. | ||
| It's so bad. | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| I mean, I hate doing new bits because I'm spoiled. | ||
| Like, I'm used to getting big laughs, so it's so uncomfortable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you have to. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| The scariest time for me in comedy, for sure, is when I put a special out, and then I have to write a whole new act, and then people come to see you. | ||
| That must be so hard at your level. | ||
| I can't even complain. | ||
| At your level, when you get to that level, to have to do new stuff, it's not easy. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| But it's fun. | ||
| It's still fun, but it's just like it forces you to really think. | ||
| And usually you have a few months. | ||
| But the problem is you're essentially writing a whole new hour in four months. | ||
| That's, how do you, I mean, that's not easy. | ||
| It's not easy, but you have to write all the time. | ||
| The thing is, you have to write all the time outside of when you're writing a new hour, so that you have framework. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, you have some ideas that you can expand on. | ||
| But if you just start from scratch, you're fucked. | ||
| Like, you're really genuinely fucked. | ||
| Yeah, you have to consistently write, period. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And even then, the ideas don't always come. | |
| Like ideas are like fertile ground. | ||
| Like you could try to, I'm planting seeds. | ||
| Bro, you're in the desert. | ||
| Shit's not going to grow. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Like you could have, your mind could be a desert sometimes. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| I have to be in a certain frame, good frame of mind to write. | ||
| Like I could, you know, that's like during COVID, I was not feeling creative. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| My brain was dead. | ||
| Yeah, I thought I was going to do a lot of writing. | ||
| I didn't write at all. | ||
| Oh, me either. | ||
| People that had a new hour. | ||
| I'm like, how did you write that much during COVID? I barely could get out of bed. | ||
| Some people are stimulated by the stress. | ||
| I couldn't do it. | ||
| I write on stage a lot. | ||
| Yeah, when you feel you're in the zone, right? | ||
| Yeah, that's why I tape myself because I go up with an idea and then I come up with a bit. | ||
| Yeah, that's very wise. | ||
| That's a good way to come up with comedy because you hit that weird headspace that you hit when you're killing on stage and then you can find ideas and figure out a way to do them. | ||
| But I feel like you got to write right too. | ||
| I feel like it's all those things. | ||
| You gotta write right. | ||
| You gotta let ideas happen and come to you like when you're just driving around your car. | ||
| And also you have to write on stage. | ||
| You have to fuck around on stage. | ||
| You have to take chances. | ||
| Do you think you're going to do your next special, like put it out there for people for free? | ||
| I'm thinking about it. | ||
| I think you should. | ||
| I'm thinking about it. | ||
| I'm concerned that the editorial decisions that streaming networks might make about bits in the future are going to get more and more stringent. | ||
| They're going to decide jokes you can and can't say. | ||
| Even if you have a point, even if there's a definitive position that you're taking because you're trying to explain, you're trying to talk about language, you're trying to talk about If you say certain words, people are going to say, you can't do that. | ||
| You can't do this. | ||
| You can't say that. | ||
| Even if you have a point, you can't. | ||
| And they're worried about people being pissed. | ||
| They're worried about the wokesters. | ||
| They're worried about corporate sponsors or whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| I'm just worried about killing. | ||
| I'm out there to kill. | ||
| So when I'm killing, I'm using all the words at my disposal. | ||
| So we're playing a different game. | ||
| They're playing a game where they want to piss off the least amount of people while entertaining the most amount of people. | ||
| And anything that stands out, it has to be so popular. | ||
| That they'll let this controversial idea flourish and then they have to deal with the wave of articles that get written in all these woke online websites where they attack them for violence or for creating unsafe environments or for this or that. | ||
| All this new jargon and buzzwords. | ||
| It's just bullshit. | ||
| Because, you know, these same people that are attacking, you're listening to music that has horrific language and content in it. | ||
| You're watching movies where people are getting murdered. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| I know. | ||
| The music is really wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that was Spotify. | ||
| Daniel Ek, who's the CEO of Spotify, someone asked him about some of the content of my podcast. | ||
| And he said, much like we don't censor any of the content of all the music artists, we're not in the content censoring business. | ||
| Like if someone violates our codes of conduct, that's a different thing. | ||
| But none of what he does, does that. | ||
| I mean, what a simple point. | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| But that point gets lost today because people, they capitulate to the mob. | ||
| And the mob is always looking for blood. | ||
| They're always looking for a new victim. | ||
| I mean, and it's become a sport. | ||
| Recreational outrage is a sport online. | ||
| It's people enjoy it, and they enjoy attacking targets, and they enjoy taking people down. | ||
| They love getting people fired. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| And it's the left, which is so strange, because the left, from when I grew up, was always people that supported free speech. | ||
| People that were, you know, like the ACLU supported Nazis. | ||
| They let Nazis in the KKK talk because they recognized, like, listen, the only way to protect speech is to allow all speech. | ||
| And the way you counter bad speech is with better speech. | ||
| I mean, this was like a rock-solid perspective that was like a fundamental aspect of being a liberal. | ||
| Of being a progressive. | ||
| It's not that way anymore. | ||
| Well, I think if you say that you support free speech now, you're labeled a right-wing Republican. | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| The Republicans are the new punk rockers. | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| I think that you're labeled something right away when you say you support something. | ||
| And that's what's happening. | ||
| The thing is, those unreasonable people, Are at least slowly in many circles being exposed because their unreasonable takes are so predictable because that's what they do. | ||
| They attack things, they attack things, this very rigid, woke ideology that's oftentimes unsustainable. | ||
| And then usually someone will dig through their Twitter and find some shit that they said like 10 years ago or seven years ago and we find that out, but... | ||
| But Ari said it best. | ||
| He said this is a great time because comedy is dangerous again. | ||
| It's actually dangerous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just think you can have different opinions about different things and not be labeled as one way or another or whatever. | ||
| The labeling has gotten really out of control. | ||
| It's also the instinct to attack. | ||
| People are so... | ||
| Online attacks are so... | ||
| It's such a part of the culture now. | ||
| Call-outs. | ||
| And it doesn't have to be valid. | ||
| It doesn't have to be legitimate. | ||
| People are just looking for excuses. | ||
| And when there's no viable targets, they'll find one. | ||
| That's the problem with this online mob shit is that they keep moving the goalposts about what's acceptable. | ||
| It's not like they get everybody in a good, agreeable pattern and they go, okay, we're not going to attack anyone anymore. | ||
| No, there's already a common pattern of attacking people online. | ||
| So if everybody toes the line and wokeism has a very clear line in the sand, they'll just move that line 100 yards to the left and start attacking people that used to be okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I get it. | ||
| I mean, I've been accused of things that I'm not, and it really was very upsetting. | ||
| You know, and I freaked out, and then someone said to me, Jessica, this will be gone in about maybe 48 hours, and that's exactly what happened. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It literally went on to another comic after that. | ||
| It's like it goes so fast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It just is like a tornado, and then it goes on to the next person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's weird. | ||
| But if you get caught up in it, if you're a person that likes to read all your comments... | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I did it. | ||
| I did it. | ||
| I got into it and I said, I'll never do it again. | ||
| It's very bad for you. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| It's so upsetting because, first of all, there's nothing you can do about it. | ||
| What are you going to argue with people on Twitter, like anonymous people? | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| I mean, no one really knows you unless they know you. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I mean, these people don't really know you, and they don't know me, unless they really have a relationship with us. | ||
| It's a bad way to communicate. | ||
| You get no social cues, you get no feedback, there's no emotional interaction between you and the person like it is normally. | ||
| You don't get to feel who they really are. | ||
| It's just text. | ||
| It's just cold, nasty text. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| So I don't engage in it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just because you feel one way about something doesn't mean you feel that way about all things that one party feels. | ||
| So many people are in the middle on so many things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The center is a pretty... | ||
| It's a heavily occupied space where everybody shuts their mouth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because everyone's scared. | ||
| So many people are in the center right now. | ||
| It's hushed tones. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I think? | |
| You know what I think they're doing? | ||
| And then they'll tell you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| When do you think you'll do another special? | ||
| I made a goal to do one in about six months, and I'm going to put it out on YouTube because I am not going to depend on any network to try and sell it to anymore. | ||
| Why don't you do it at my club? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Joe, I would kill to do it there. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| I've been looking for a venue and that would be, I mean, killer. | ||
| Oh, let's go. | ||
| I would love it. | ||
| That is like, I'm in. | ||
| All right, let's plan on that. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| All right, beautiful. | ||
| I will do it. | ||
| You think it'll be open by then? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's sick. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I'll do it 100% at your venue. | ||
| All right, good, beautiful. | ||
| I mean, yes. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Should we wrap this up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Tell everybody how to get a hold of you on the internets. | ||
| Well, I have a website, JessicaKerson.com, and I'm on TikTok. | ||
| I, again, post. | ||
| I love it so much. | ||
| Do you dance? | ||
| No! | ||
| But that's what it's for. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're supposed to be TikTok-ing. | |
| No, I post a lot of crowd work videos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm serious. | |
| Maybe if you TikTok-ed a little bit on top of that, it would really boost your profile. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know what? | ||
| I'm going to dance at these Baptist churches. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Jessica Curzon. | ||
| Yeah, but you know what? | ||
| Listen, I have like 79,000... | ||
| 8.6 million views, son. | ||
| Yeah, that's TikTok? | ||
| That's pretty impressive. | ||
| Holy shit, I didn't even know there was that many. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You got a lot of views, kid. | ||
| Congratulations! | ||
| You big, big, big on TikTok. | ||
| Listen, I am one of the only female comics that does a shitload of crowd work. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I do a lot of crowd work in my act. | ||
| I love it so much. | ||
| I love talking to dumb people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I've seen it. | |
| Yeah, so I'm on TikTok, and then I Instagram, Jesse Curson, and, you know, all that shit. | ||
| But I have a ton of road dates coming up, so people, I'd love you to come out and see my shows. | ||
| So JessicaCurson.com is the best place to get on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| All right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I appreciate you, my friend. | ||
| You're the best. | ||
| No, you're the best. | ||
| I love being here. | ||
| I love having you. | ||
| And you're doing amazing things for comics. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| We'll do it more. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Thank you for everything you do. | ||
| My pleasure. |
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