Sept. 15, 2021 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:20:39
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! | ||
| We're up and rolling. | ||
| This is all on the record. | ||
| I'm terrible in that position. | ||
| Like, I have to be really... | ||
| Some people instinctively are like, we just don't talk about that. | ||
| I know how to do that. | ||
| I don't have no... | ||
| I can't... | ||
| Yeah, I know you don't. | ||
| That's what I love about you. | ||
| Yeah, that is the spirit. | ||
| He says things to people who are like, oh my god. | ||
| He said something to a comedian, I would say, but like, oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, but it was good advice. | ||
| He gave some advice. | ||
| It was honest. | ||
| Did you tell them to kill themselves? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's... | ||
| Tell them to quit? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I don't want to get into it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Embarrassingly. | |
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| Don't say name. | ||
| I'm going to leave. | ||
| What have you done, Kyle? | ||
| I'm leaving. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| As a team... | ||
| He's honest, yes. | ||
| Go ahead, as a team. | ||
| You two balance each other out in a very odd way. | ||
| Yes, we fill gaps. | ||
| Sometimes it feels like we're inside each other. | ||
| That's accurate. | ||
| Is that blurting out anything? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| We do, like, opposite things. | ||
| And, like, the things I have gaps in, he fills up. | ||
| I mean, her is... | ||
| It does sound sexual, but I'm not being sexual. | ||
| It sounds incredibly sexual. | ||
| No, but I know what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, he's an amazing, like, joke machine, you know? | ||
| It all sounds sexual. | ||
| Every part of it is sexual. | ||
| You guys are silently creating the best comedy show on the internet. | ||
| I really believe that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Your shit that you guys have put out, these face swaps, this fucking, the Fresh Prez, this Joe Biden sitcom, I am astonished it hasn't caught on more than it has. | ||
| It's caught on a lot, but it should be one of the biggest fucking things in the country. | ||
| You guys are doing... | ||
| The most ruthless, hilarious shit. | ||
| I can't support it enough. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| That's why I wanted to have you guys in here. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| It might be a little dirty. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| A little dirty? | ||
| You've been the one that's like, I mean, when you started promoting my stuff like three years ago, I mean, I was nowhere. | ||
| I was doomed. | ||
| You look back on your life, I didn't realize how doomed I was until you started supporting me. | ||
| And then I was like cranking out maybe one a week, one sketch a week. | ||
| And that was like a lot of work. | ||
| You know, even just to do that, writing sketches, a lot harder to crank out. | ||
| You need a better Instagram handle. | ||
| It's like Kyle Dunnegan 2. No, it's 1. It's 1, dude. | ||
| Why is it 1? | ||
| 2 is actually better. | ||
| Does someone have Kyle Dunnegan 1? | ||
| He also has my email, and he gets a lot of emails. | ||
| Do you've talked to this Kyle Dunnegan fellow? | ||
| See, he stopped. | ||
| He used to forward me stuff, and it's been like a year and a half. | ||
| And I'm sure he's just like, I'm not doing this anymore. | ||
| Yeah, I had JoeRogan.com. | ||
| There was an original Joe Rogan who was a real estate salesman. | ||
| You lost yours to a real estate guy too. | ||
| I didn't lose it. | ||
| I mean, it's his name. | ||
| He's older than me. | ||
| He's a veteran. | ||
| It's really his name. | ||
| But I bought it from him. | ||
| I had to buy JoeRogan.com. | ||
| I had KyleDunningham.com and then someone bought it because I dropped the ball. | ||
| And now he's like 40 grand and I'm like, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So I have Kyle Dunningham comedy. | ||
| 40 grand? | ||
| I don't think the one was as fuck. | ||
| You want to make a year's salary almost? | ||
| I know. | ||
| I would have paid like $100. | ||
| But I have Kyle Dunnigan, comedy.com, which I don't like to say, like, comedy. | ||
| You're, like, telling people I'm doing... | ||
| No, it's sad. | ||
| Mine is taken by the, you know,.com, the site. | ||
| I used to have it, and then I just didn't pay, you know, way back when I had it. | ||
| And I didn't either pay for it or... | ||
| Now it's a porn site. | ||
| No. | ||
| It was taken by a guy, Kurt Metzger, gay-friendly realtor. | ||
| Was this... | ||
| It is weird, right? | ||
| Well, I guess if you want to sell real estate in West Hollywood, like in a very specific five block area. | ||
| Yeah, a beautiful five block area. | ||
| I would assume they're all gay friendly. | ||
| You want to make business. | ||
| Who's not gay friendly? | ||
| I want your money. | ||
| If you're specifying it, that's like weird. | ||
| Yeah, we got that fucking dude. | ||
| I want your money. | ||
| Keep your money. | ||
| I'm for the Bible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It ain't natural. | |
| I'm for the Bible. | ||
| I'm not for money. | ||
| Yeah, so he has it. | ||
| So there's, I guess, a plug for him. | ||
| So I have comedy like a second rate. | ||
| Kurt Metzger comedy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's not bad. | ||
| Kyle Dunnigan comedy's not bad. | ||
| We're saying it. | ||
| Millions of people are hearing it right now. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| I'll say my name for an hour and a half. | ||
| But my nephew said putting a number is really dorky. | ||
| Yeah, it's dorky. | ||
| You should change that. | ||
| Is the guy who has Kyle Dunnigan, does he use it? | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| Why don't you get that from him? | ||
| Yeah, maybe I'll look into that. | ||
| Contact Instagram. | ||
| You're blue certified, right? | ||
| You got a little check mark? | ||
| I got a check! | ||
| Yeah, son. | ||
| You know what's crazy? | ||
| They take your blue check if they don't agree with you. | ||
| Wait, you can turn in your check? | ||
| They'll take your blue check mark if you say objectionable things. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know that. | ||
| I thought the point of it was to keep people from pretending to be you. | ||
| But they don't give a fuck. | ||
| They're using it as a punitive. | ||
| On Instagram or on Twitter? | ||
| On both. | ||
| Really? | ||
| OJ doesn't have a check. | ||
| Have you seen his Twitter, by the way? | ||
| Oh, it's the best. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello, Twitter friend. | |
| Hey Twitter world, it's yours, Julie. | ||
| That's right, Twitter world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey Twitter world, it's yours, Julie. | |
| And all those tweets are like, he'll be like, hey, the Broncos are doing pretty good. | ||
| And then the commenter's like, murderer, murderer, murderer. | ||
| Hey, Alan's knee should be better. | ||
| Murderer, murderer, murderer. | ||
| It's all knives. | ||
| All like, knife emojis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, you're killing it, OJ. That's what people write. | ||
| It's strange hearing him talk about stuff. | ||
| Yeah, because he gives advice and shit. | ||
| He's so calm now. | ||
| Well, when you get away with double murder, you want to stay on the DL when you make videos. | ||
| He's got a lot of wit and wisdom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's been to it a lot. | |
| What's going on with the Broncos? | ||
| Hey, Twitter world, I made mistakes. | ||
| Just like you. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I cut a lady's head off. | ||
| Hey, there's no reason to lose your temper when you get in a fight. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| Dude, like, imagine. | ||
| I remember I was with my girlfriend at the time. | ||
| It was 1990, I guess it was like three or four. | ||
| What is it, four? | ||
| When he got off? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We were in my apartment in North Hollywood. | ||
| I'd literally just moved to Hollywood. | ||
| And we were sitting there holding hands, waiting for the verdict. | ||
| She wanted to hold my hand. | ||
| She was like, oh my god, oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| And then not killed it. | ||
| She went, oh! | ||
| I thought you were going to say you started cheering so loud you knocked over some... | ||
| Hey, Twitter world. | ||
| What's he saying now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, Twitter world. | |
| Yours truly. | ||
| What's wrong with the volume, OJ? He's giving, like, commentary on football. | ||
| Like he's just a regular guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just a fantasy football tip. | |
| I know, but wouldn't he want to just lay low? | ||
| I know. | ||
| You kill a couple people, won't you just... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at the comments. | ||
| They're hilarious. | ||
| Hey, Twitter world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, Twitter world. | |
| We lost another great one. | ||
| Oh, someone died? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Okay, let's read the comments on that one. | ||
| Click on that one. | ||
| The comments must be, oh, you fuckers. | ||
| Not locked in on this account. | ||
| Slash away, you dog sleigh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just scroll down. | |
| You gotta hack away on the driver. | ||
| When you're not locked in, yeah, you can't do it. | ||
| Really lean into it. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| We don't need to see the comments. | ||
| You know, a lot of people, like killers, have podcasts and stuff now. | ||
| Sammy the Bull. | ||
| Sammy the Bull's guy. | ||
| Oh yeah, he showed me some stuff. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| I don't think I could watch a mob movie again, like when they make a new one, and have the same... | ||
| Because you can watch these guys tell the story and it's so much better. | ||
| Yeah, there's a couple of those guys. | ||
| Michael Franchese and Sammy the Bull Gravano and a few of those mob guys. | ||
| Yeah, and they get in fights, like mob podcast fights. | ||
| That's not how he died, Sammy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is not how I killed him. | |
| They all argue about shit like you couldn't care less about. | ||
| Like, he never hung out at that club. | ||
| I was there every night and I didn't see him. | ||
| Their Pasta Fazul was garbage! | ||
| It was garbage! | ||
| There's a lot of them, but his is the best one. | ||
| Hands down, the best one. | ||
| Well, it's interesting. | ||
| He tells stories. | ||
| It's kind of crazy that a guy who's murdered nine people can just have a podcast. | ||
| Don't you think he probably thinks of it like if you were talking to a soldier? | ||
| I know I talk to a lot of soldiers. | ||
| I don't know how many people they kill. | ||
| We didn't talk their kills, but he probably thinks of it that way. | ||
| Not that I think of it that way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They deserved it. | |
| That was the business. | ||
| Yeah, we got in this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was business. | |
| But a lot of these guys, I'm not saying him because I don't know, but a lot of them, you know, they are self-serving when they tell their stories. | ||
| Like, even if... | ||
| He seems very... | ||
| Like, he's not holding anything back. | ||
| He's pulling off the best of me. | ||
| He got out of jail, right? | ||
| And he was an informant for the mob, right? | ||
| Against the mob. | ||
| He gets out of jail, and then he's selling ecstasy. | ||
| Like, the guy doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| He goes back in, right? | ||
| Did he get arrested again? | ||
| Did he go to jail again for ecstasy? | ||
| I know he got... | ||
| Arrested for XT. I don't know if he went back in jail. | ||
| I mean, the guy is, like, he's pulled it off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's, like, 70. Yeah. | ||
| And he looks great. | ||
| He seems happy, too. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| He looks calm and relaxed. | ||
| He looks way younger than his age. | ||
| Yeah, he looks good. | ||
| Dude, I love a lot of them where they're, like, the more, like, this movie probably is letting you know not to get involved. | ||
| There's a lot of, like, gangs. | ||
| I'm trying to tell you. | ||
| Don't do this, kids. | ||
| One guy is saying that, like, I'm trying to explain this is not a glorifying life, and he's selling a bat. | ||
| He goes, this is no kind of life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You want to get a bat with one name on it? | |
| This is the bat that I used to kill four guys in the social club. | ||
| The whole story is him hitting people with bats, and he has merch bats. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, really? | |
| Who is this? | ||
| John A. Light. | ||
| How many these mob guys have social media profiles? | ||
| And they're doing well. | ||
| What was that Steven Seagal story? | ||
| I watched his thing. | ||
| All the stories are interesting, and it's stuff that you've seen for years. | ||
| History Channel has all these documentaries about mafia stuff, and none of them are as good as piecing it together from five different guys who were there. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You get the real story. | ||
| Yeah, it's just so much better. | ||
| That's the difference, is you're getting the real fucking story, you know? | ||
| We crack open that whiskey. | ||
| What are we doing, guys? | ||
| You want some? | ||
| Is it too early with you? | ||
| No, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Have a little drink. | ||
| I haven't had a drink since I got COVID. Was that right? | ||
| Yeah, I decided to take some time off. | ||
| I was going to take the whole month off, but in your honor, I'll have a little sippy poo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have a little sippy poo. | |
| Have young Jeffrey get us some glasses. | ||
| Do you guys like ice? | ||
| Yeah, a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, a little bit. | ||
| We'll get some of that going. | ||
| But yeah, I want to just make sure everyone knows. | ||
| Get some of that Buffalo Trace. | ||
| Break out the good stuff! | ||
| Oh, I'll tell you what you have to watch if you watch a podcast is him talking about Steven Seagal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's hilarious. | |
| Steven Seagal was trying to get... | ||
| Comfortable with the mob, right? | ||
| He was trying to get close to them. | ||
| No, they made his movies, I guess. | ||
| What? | ||
| He tells a story. | ||
| This one made me... | ||
| I was dying when he was telling this story about how Steven Seagal, his whole career... | ||
| All the good ones, I think, were mob-funded movies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Yeah, and he didn't want to make them anymore. | ||
| This is how Sammy's done. | ||
| He wanted to go to Tibet and meditate, I don't know. | ||
| And John Gotti's brother was like, let's get his ass making those movies again. | ||
| And then they started shaking him down to make more movies. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are you sure about all this? | ||
| Should we research this? | ||
| I'll tell you, this is what's on the podcast. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| He does seem very believable. | ||
| I'll say this. | ||
| When he's telling the story. | ||
| Why would he lie at this point in his life? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He literally got away with murder. | ||
| They all wear sunglasses, though. | ||
| There's something suspicious that they all wear sunglasses. | ||
| So does Tim Dillon, though. | ||
| Ah, thank you. | ||
| He does? | ||
| Tim Dillon wears aviators, mirrored aviators like a cop in every episode. | ||
| Tim Dillon is a goddamn genius. | ||
| He's a national treasure. | ||
| He really is. | ||
| We have a little scooper here. | ||
| I didn't touch any other ice, FYI. I was very... | ||
| Fucking ice grabber. | ||
| You barely got your test results and you're already touching ice? | ||
| Slimy, sweaty ice grabber. | ||
| That's my high school nickname. | ||
| Wait, Joe, is it true that you treated your COVID with horse cum? | ||
| Well, that's the only way. | ||
| I mean, if you really love animals like I do, you owe it to yourself. | ||
| How could you? | ||
| People are overdosing on horse cum. | ||
| I was told to by a random person I met on the subway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, I cannot believe... | |
| What's going on with this? | ||
| He's just bad with scooping. | ||
| The scooper is just grabbing the ice. | ||
| You are not a bartender, sir. | ||
| Why don't you just get your glass in there? | ||
| You're like my left foot with the scooper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that! | |
| One scoop! | ||
| Get in there with the glass! | ||
| I like a little bit of ice because I don't want to drown out the flavors. | ||
| Take that glass. | ||
| What if you just passed the ice scooper? | ||
| Yeah, now I got your hands on my ice because I took your glass. | ||
| Just give me the... | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| You want more ice? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, can I? This is a disaster. | |
| It's not that bad, dude. | ||
| Total disaster. | ||
| Whoops, I spilled... | ||
| I mean, what a terrible job, Kyle. | ||
| I hope this is like a clip on YouTube, or a getting ice clip. | ||
| Oh, this is going to be huge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is going to be our biggest clip ever. | |
| Let's toast to... | ||
| Let's toast to you guys. | ||
| I want to toast, also make very clear that Kirk gets a lot of credit because he, in his career, hasn't gotten much credit for a lot of things. | ||
| I have, like, three awards. | ||
| No, but, like... | ||
| I hope that I'm trying to compliment the guy. | ||
| What kind of awards you get? | ||
| We won an Emmy. | ||
| The first time we worked together, we won. | ||
| The Emmy, I have one, but it didn't go to me. | ||
| I have the Peabody. | ||
| I think I was supposed to have another one. | ||
| And then a Writers Guild Award, which apparently is a good award. | ||
| I don't know what you'd do with them. | ||
| You just stick them somewhere. | ||
| We also get help from Jessica Montes and John Bush, also help with our stuff. | ||
| Jessica produces and John writes stuff too. | ||
| But Kurt, this is how we got totally scammed. | ||
| We were running for this sketch show, and it was Kurt's idea for this very funny song, which was, Girl, You Don't Need Makeup. | ||
| But it ended up like, maybe you should wear makeup, you know? | ||
| And I was like, oh, I want to write the music for that, you know, because I like to write music. | ||
| And so... | ||
| It was Kurt's total idea, and some writers added some stuff, but it was Kurt's idea. | ||
| So anyway, the Emmy Comedy Central, for some reason, The way the Emmy's set up, it goes to the producer and the writer of the music. | ||
| So I got the Emmy, and Kurt, who should have also got an Emmy, was totally blocked out of it. | ||
| The executive producer ended up giving him an Emmy. | ||
| Yeah, they re-engraved one. | ||
| Re-engraved. | ||
| Oh, that's nice. | ||
| Yeah, very nice, Em. | ||
| But can he give you an Emmy? | ||
| It's like, if I give you an Oscar, does that count? | ||
| It's not real. | ||
| I'll give you both Oscars. | ||
| There was a reason for why, and I couldn't even understand it. | ||
| It was a whole thing written out. | ||
| I don't understand either. | ||
| It's all scams. | ||
| These fucking producers and executives. | ||
| It was something about not incentivizing Swear to God incentivizing creative talent, but yeah, but then people are just gonna try to write songs to get it Something was probably with paying for if there's you know, I don't know I That business has to die. | ||
| There's so many fucking corrupt little weird. | ||
| Yeah, why would you want to be? | ||
| I don't understand of the business Yeah, it really made no sense. | ||
| It's a blue vein corruption machine Yeah, and I there's also a Every other year they do the best original music on the Emmys. | ||
| But this year it was on FXX. So it was like a taped... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is FXX? It's like bad FX. It's like these shows aren't good. | |
| It's Vin Diesel's FX. Remember he's in XXX? That's XXX. All Vin Diesel. | ||
| It's a prequel. | ||
| So I went up... | ||
| And I very much was like, Kurt Metzger should be up here. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Well, they cut that part out. | ||
| And I was like, hey, thanks. | ||
| Hi, bye. | ||
| They edited your fucking speech. | ||
| So anyway, Kurt deserves a lot of credit. | ||
| And yeah. | ||
| That's that story. | ||
| That's the Emmy story that he should have gotten, that he did not get. | ||
| The end. | ||
| Yeah, I don't care about it. | ||
| You seem like you care a little bit. | ||
| I feel, like, a little pain. | ||
| At the time, I did, but I was like, but what are you, like... | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Yeah, like, it's not a thing, like... | ||
| That would be worth going to any kind of... | ||
| Well, it's valuable if you're a writer. | ||
| If you're a writer and you're in the business and you're trying to get sitcom gigs and any kind of television gig or movie gig, having an Emmy is valuable. | ||
| And if he cried now a little bit, that'd be good. | ||
| Yeah, it would show your range. | ||
| That was what you thought my crying triggers would be? | ||
| The hope was... | ||
| Well, I'm sorry. | ||
| A long time ago I remember talking to Louie and he was really funny and I really didn't give a shit. | ||
| That stuff doesn't necessarily lead to anything. | ||
| Emmys? | ||
| It can. | ||
| But what helps you a lot more is if you're clicked up with the right people. | ||
| Which is middle-aged white writer. | ||
| I don't know if you know they're mostly casting the writing rooms now, so you got to be already in with like grandfathered in right old white guys Or you're not you know, I mean like there's no you couldn't be I wouldn't know how you'd be like a new Guy trying to get into it. | ||
| I have no idea how you a new guy. | ||
| You mean yeah, like some diversity You would have to be like really high in like an improv scene probably Probably like a rich kid So are they, like, particularly casting things just based on diversity now? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Have you not watched the, uh... | ||
| I don't pay attention. | ||
| Oh, yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| I know they do that for shows. | ||
| Like, in terms of, like, casting. | ||
| But in terms of, like, writings... | ||
| I'm not talking about the cast. | ||
| I'm talking about the writing rooms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I know a very big show. | ||
| These active producers were like, do you know any black writers? | ||
| They're specifically needed to hire. | ||
| They have to hire one because they don't want the press of, look at this writer's room. | ||
| There's a picture of a bunch of white people. | ||
| They just don't want that trouble. | ||
| By the way, they also don't really want black writers. | ||
| They want is it somebody black who also was like our sort? | ||
| Do you know what I mean like they don't like like who's like Hollywood? | ||
| Wants to play the game wants to be in the inside. | ||
| Yeah, right like a John like ones to say exactly What they want them to say it's uncomfortable. | ||
| It's not like that They don't want more like Chappelle's. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| The diversity push is not going to be like, ooh, more Chappelle's. | ||
| Nobody wants that. | ||
| I was on a show. | ||
| I was writing, and they hired a they. | ||
| And they had a talk with us. | ||
| A they. | ||
| Yeah, there was a they coming in. | ||
| You have to say, like, they got coffee, and they talked to us. | ||
| And then they came in, and then they was terrible. | ||
| Like, they was very bad at their job. | ||
| Imagine that. | ||
| Imagine being two people not being able to do the job of one person. | ||
| And they, their, do you say their job? | ||
| Their job. | ||
| If your pronouns are they, them, do you say their job still? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| You must, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're not good at their job. | ||
| The whole team wasn't good at the job. | ||
| Jamie? | ||
| Jamie's not touching that one. | ||
| They are going to be here shortly. | ||
| Do you have they apostrophe R-E when it's they're going to be there shortly? | ||
| Because I would never say, you know, here going to be there shortly, like he, like you. | ||
| When is Kyle going to be here? | ||
| Oh, he's going to be here shortly. | ||
| I wouldn't say here. | ||
| He apostrophe R-E. Kurt has a lot of more info on this topic than I do. | ||
| I didn't witness this happen. | ||
| I've never had that. | ||
| Well, they fucked up three times in like two days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How'd they fuck up? | |
| They sent an email to all the executives that they shouldn't have said. | ||
| It was like a private email. | ||
| What was the email? | ||
| I don't know exactly what it was, but it was something that they didn't want the executives to know about. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| And it was three things. | ||
| So they had to fire, and then they did. | ||
| Did they sue? | ||
| I don't think they sued. | ||
| They usually sue. | ||
| They could have, and they would have... | ||
| When they get a gig like that, because of the fact that they're looking for diversity, and they know about that fact, oftentimes they realize, like, hey, these motherfuckers are over the rail here. | ||
| But the thing is, if you get hired for that reason... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A friend of mine would say on the channel, like, if you're hired for that reason, because you're they, well, they then did their job. | ||
| I showed up and I'm they. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| I shouldn't ever be fired if that's the reason you hired me. | ||
| Imagine this conversation if someone didn't know what the fuck we're talking about and it was like 10 years ago. | ||
| I don't know what I'm talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But 10 years ago, you'd be like, what the fuck are these idiots saying? | |
| What is this they talk? | ||
| Well, you know what helps? | ||
| It's hard to learn it, but I find it helps if I go on TikTok and someone with clown hair Condescendingly tells it to me. | ||
| They always have clowns. | ||
| They usually have a nose ring. | ||
| They always be like, oh my god, it's so simple. | ||
| Like, they look like they can't believe. | ||
| I'm Lexi-sexual. | ||
| How do you not get this? | ||
| What's that one? | ||
| Well, dude, have you ever gone on Libs of TikTok? | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Libs of TikTok on Twitter is one of the greatest fucking accounts of all time. | ||
| It's every day. | ||
| They scour all these really super crazy liberal TikTok pages. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's beyond even liberal, though. | ||
| I mean, it's definitely the result of liberal parenting. | ||
| It's just a good name, Libs of TikTok. | ||
| It might not be. | ||
| It might be like hardcore Christian parenting that forces them to be regressive. | ||
| You're right, you're right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or rather, reject it. | |
| It's like, are they all from Portland and Seattle? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It's so common up there. | ||
| It's gotta all be that, right? | ||
| Well, up there, it's like accepted and encouraged. | ||
| No, a friend of mine's from there that used to work on my podcast when I was in my old space doing it, and he's from there, and he's like, yeah, all the parents, that's like your kids in Little League, but they're like gender-bending. | ||
| That's like a real mark of pride. | ||
| Yeah, they actually encourage it, some folks. | ||
| Have you seen the girl who has a bunch of bracelets and her gender changes on the hour? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah. | |
| And she lets you know by her bracelets what her gender is. | ||
| In a condescending way, she lets you know, like, figure it out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get it together. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Now I'm a boy. | ||
| It's very simple. | ||
| See, this is blue. | ||
| But I might be a girl in 10 minutes. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| That's the out-of-line thing is the part of, like, now this may change in an hour. | ||
| That one you're talking about specifically, it may change during the next hour. | ||
| Years ago, I was listening to a Radiolab podcast about this person who was gender fluid and they were treating it like it's the rarest ailment of all time. | ||
| And this was only like maybe five or six years ago. | ||
| I remember driving on the way to work listening to this person and they were like, okay, now I'm Sam. | ||
| Now I'm a guy. | ||
| Now I'm a guy. | ||
| I'm back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I get upset, I become a guy. | |
| And then it was like, now I'm Debbie again. | ||
| They're like, what the fuck is this illness? | ||
| But they were trying to take it seriously, and they were trying to explain, like, imagine being this person that has this issue. | ||
| All I'm hearing is this, like, super needy weirdo who is just making up the fact that they become a boy or a girl randomly back and forth throughout the day, and we're just taking it seriously. | ||
| Like, this person should have a really difficult job. | ||
| That's what they need. | ||
| What they really need is something that's, like, hard to do, where they have to think about it and concentrate, although very highly competitive. | ||
| Or they turn into a man? | ||
| No, so that they don't fill their life up with this bullshit. | ||
| All day long, you're going back and forth from being a male and a female. | ||
| A lot of thinking about yourself. | ||
| What's the thing that makes you a woman if you're nice? | ||
| I don't understand what the thing is. | ||
| Now I'm mad, that means I'm a man. | ||
| You can understand it. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It's one thing if you're trans, so you feel like a woman. | ||
| You always wanted to be a woman. | ||
| You feel like you're in the wrong body. | ||
| If you're going back and forth all day long, this is indulgent. | ||
| This is heavily indulgent. | ||
| What an exhausting friend to have. | ||
| Just like, what now? | ||
| Imagine me saying this and there's someone out there that really does go back and forth. | ||
| What the fuck do I know? | ||
| I don't want anyone to feel bad. | ||
| I just feel like if that's happening, You can't be on Twitter like, acting like this is, hey Twitter world, I'm a girl now. | ||
| If OJ transitioned, you'd support him. | ||
| Imagine if he did, he was like, there's only one way to get out of this. | ||
| Yeah, the Caitlyn Jenner way. | ||
| That's how she got out of killing that person with her car. | ||
| The timing was excellent for her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Amazing. | |
| Perfect. | ||
| It was excellent timing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Amazing. | |
| Just really stellar timing. | ||
| But amazing how everyone ignored it. | ||
| Yeah, it was really... | ||
| I wonder what would happen now, because there it was very new, if that car crashed. | ||
| Have you seen the footage, the reenactment? | ||
| She slammed into the first and then slammed into the second. | ||
| It was like a... | ||
| Did she... | ||
| Was she looking at her phone? | ||
| Bruce did that. | ||
| Yeah, he's gone, so you don't have to worry about it. | ||
| Was she looking at her phone? | ||
| Was she not looking? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| How'd she hit him that hard? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I didn't hear any... | ||
| Well, running from the paparazzi, I think, was the story, wasn't it? | ||
| Was that the story? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I swear that was a defense. | ||
| Don't they run towards the paparazzi? | ||
| Yes, obviously. | ||
| But they're not running from the paparazzi. | ||
| They run straight at him and wave. | ||
| Do you have that reenactment on... | ||
| Trying to catch up with paparazzi is what happens. | ||
| It was like they stopped and she wasn't looking. | ||
| They were going after Drake and they said, let me get in on this. | ||
| Yeah, the car crash, I had never seen it until he showed it to me. | ||
| I was like, wow, that's crazy. | ||
| What's crazy is like a month later, she's on ESPN winning Athlete of the Year. | ||
| Woman of the Year, yeah. | ||
| Well, it was Athlete of the Year, and then some magazine gave her Woman of the Year. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And then all the jokes ensured. | ||
| I mean, Chappelle has a fucking brilliant bit about that. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I don't know that bit. | ||
| Yeah, it's new. | ||
| It's a new bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to give it up because it's going to be on a special. | |
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| It's a strange time, man. | ||
| Douglas Murray, who's this British intellectual, genius guy, he said every civilization that's falling apart in the dying days of civilization, they become obsessed with gender. | ||
| They become obsessed with gender swapping and men dressing up like women and women dressing up like men. | ||
| They become obsessed with blurring the lines. | ||
| He believes it has something to do with... | ||
| I don't want to put words in his mouth. | ||
| I believe what he said was it has something to do with excess and indulgence and too much prosperity and that people just start looking for conflicts that don't exist. | ||
| They start looking for just weird ways to be non-conformist, weird ways to get attention. | ||
| Yeah, that makes sense because it's a sign of a really good society. | ||
| Things are going very well. | ||
| You have so much time to even worry about exactly how you feel hour to hour. | ||
| Yeah, but on the other hand, throughout history, people have felt trans. | ||
| People have felt like they're in the wrong body. | ||
| I was going to ask, what's the big deal? | ||
| Because that's always around. | ||
| Always been around. | ||
| So it's what? | ||
| When a bunch of people are chasing that trend is what he means? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Well, it's when society embraces that trend to the point where it becomes something to strive for. | ||
| Like, if you do that and you lean towards that, you will get an immense amount of positive attention publicly. | ||
| You know, when I was in high school... | ||
| When I graduated, I was probably 95, but that was when the tunnel and the limelight and all those clubs were in New York. | ||
| And I remember the change from where people throwing around the F word of gay to where it was cool. | ||
| And people that were not at all gay were faking it because they go to these clubs. | ||
| They were getting drugs from these older guys. | ||
| And they were acting gay? | ||
| I had a friend that died. | ||
| It was really wild. | ||
| He's on an episode of the Club Kid episode of Donahue. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah, and he ended up dying of like a speedball or something. | ||
| But it started to be like cool. | ||
| And it was like a party thing where it was, you know, the people were like, you're not a lesbian. | ||
| I just remember that shift where it was like hip. | ||
| It became a cool thing to be. | ||
| Yeah, but that's because there was like a club scene that was making it cool. | ||
| You know, I don't know how, I'm assuming around the rest of the country it wasn't necessarily like that. | ||
| Well, it's interesting how people will follow trends, even if those trends look ridiculous. | ||
| Here's a great example. | ||
| Rob Halford, lead singer of Judas Priest, who's a fucking animal, right? | ||
| Amazing singer, just a fucking incredible rock star, gay as fuck. | ||
| And Rob Halford convinced all these guys that were into metal back then to dress up like a guy would go to a leather bar. | ||
| So, like, his style of, like, leather hats and open leather vests with no shirt on and leather pants, like, these guys all started dressing. | ||
| Straight guys started dressing like gay guys who'd go to leather bars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, he got them all dressed like him. | |
| It's kind of amazing. | ||
| That's what a beast he was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| I think the problem, it's like... | ||
| You got another thing coming. | ||
| We have to just, to be a society, we have to have groups. | ||
| And then you go, okay, it's like... | ||
| Men and women, and that doesn't quite do it. | ||
| But then, what's happening now, it's like everyone's getting their very, very specific thing they feel. | ||
| And we need to, like, have some folder where we put a bunch. | ||
| You're saying other. | ||
| Because everyone's gonna feel... | ||
| You're saying a box called other. | ||
| I don't know how many boxes there needs to be, but there seems like we're getting to a point, like this woman who every hour changes her gender. | ||
| That seems like you've got to jump into one of the boxes. | ||
| She's only a woman sometimes, though, dude. | ||
| Don't be rude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're being so fucking rude. | |
| Assuming she doesn't get surgery, I imagine that's a phase. | ||
| It's a guy. | ||
| Yeah, but the girl will watch him with the bracelets. | ||
| That's clearly a phase, right? | ||
| A phase, yes. | ||
| Yeah, like, I don't see that one getting into the real world now. | ||
| I didn't see a lot of other shit getting into the real world, so I could be wrong. | ||
| She's going to be a Fox News mother when she's 50. Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, because that's like a following of a band. | ||
| That's what that is, right? | ||
| That's what my girlfriend said. | ||
| She goes, my girlfriend was in high school. | ||
| She's like, everybody was trying to be hardcore. | ||
| Like, who's the most core? | ||
| And then it's like that, but without the band. | ||
| And then, you know, queer instead of core. | ||
| And that's the whole... | ||
| You know, like punk was in when I was in high school. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're a rebel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're a part of the new wave of kids coming up. | ||
| It's gonna change society. | ||
| And you feel shame. | ||
| You're like, I'm just a guy. | ||
| And you're like, you're not in the group. | ||
| I don't even think it's changed society. | ||
| I think it was just look, like be part of a scene and look cool. | ||
| It's just now you don't need a band at all. | ||
| It's like beyond any kind of punk. | ||
| But the other thing is, the people that do it, they'll oftentimes discriminate against people who assume traditional gender roles. | ||
| Like, uh, look at you, fuckin' cheerleader. | ||
| In the real world, like you were talking about the they that screwed up. | ||
| Like, I'm curious, like, from that, that's the height of ridiculous, but it's like kids on TikTok. | ||
| In the real world, what's the level of, what level of ridiculous actually comes out, you know? | ||
| That's where it kind of matters, right? | ||
| Outside of just kids doing it in TikTok. | ||
| Because that seems like it'll be a real phased out trend with the bracelet girl. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Because if corporations continue to gravitate towards wokeness, That might be something that like helps you in the corporate world. | ||
| Like to have your fucking beads on. | ||
| People were making fun of they's and them's just five, six years ago. | ||
| And now it's like people have that in their pronouns in their bio on their Twitter page. | ||
| Those are like old-fashioned. | ||
| Like bug is... | ||
| Something like my pronouns are bug. | ||
| What is bug? | ||
| Is that a real one? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What is bug? | ||
| No, really? | ||
| I swear to God bug. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's also bunny. | ||
| I know bunny is one. | ||
| Bunny? | ||
| Bunny is one. | ||
| Bunny? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bunny is a pronoun? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's a fucking rabbit. | ||
| It's like bun, buns, bunny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| I swear to God. | ||
| This is the most probably Americans have ever studied pronouns. | ||
| This conversation? | ||
| We should be the one to teach. | ||
| Yeah, what if there's a university course you could take on gender pronouns? | ||
| There's a ZZER that goes... | ||
| The list of ZZER breakdowns... | ||
| It's literally like 20 different ways you can say ZZER. I'm not even sure what ZZER is, but I saw the list. | ||
| The crazy thing is it's compelled in a lot of places. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have to use those words. | |
| It's compelled speech. | ||
| Maybe we're just... | ||
| How did, uh... | ||
| Like... | ||
| What do you got here? | ||
| Bugs. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Bug wants to work by Bug's self. | ||
| Card grew up in scope during the protest movements of 2020. These days, many of its more than two million pages are... | ||
| What is Card? | ||
| This is an article from the New York Times talking about neo-pronouns. | ||
| This is the New York... | ||
| Neo-pronouns. | ||
| What's the headline of the article? | ||
| Uh... | ||
| A guide to neopronous. | ||
| Are you a person, a place, or a thing? | ||
| We have good news. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| You don't have any good news. | ||
| That's the New York Times, dude. | ||
| Oh, I'm pre-prin-prin-self. | ||
| Oh my god, they are a prince? | ||
| Is that what that is? | ||
| Oh my god, prince? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Non-binary pronouns as well. | ||
| One in five Americans? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| One in five Americans have non-binary pronouns? | ||
| No, know someone who uses them. | ||
| That seems high. | ||
| Well, you know someone if you follow libs of TikTok. | ||
| Yeah, well, I mean... | ||
| Know in person. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know anyone that has a they-them, but I'm a 54-year-old man. | ||
| One in five is herpes statistics. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| I think the other four are lying. | ||
| I think everybody has herpes. | ||
| I think I'd rather deal with herpes than... | ||
| This gets into a weird part of English. | ||
| A noun self pronoun? | ||
| I'm not quite sure how to explain that to anybody. | ||
| A neopronoun can also be a so-called noun self pronoun in which a pre-existing word is drafted into use as a pronoun. | ||
| Look how they write it. | ||
| N-O-U-N self pronouns. | ||
| It's not even... | ||
| What is that word? | ||
| What is a noun self pronoun? | ||
| Kitten self. | ||
| What is that word? | ||
| Noun self? | ||
| Noun self, you know. | ||
| Noun self. | ||
| That word, looking at that word looks so crazy. | ||
| Noun dash self. | ||
| It's in the New York Times. | ||
| It must be real. | ||
| I know, but when you see noun self, you're like, what in the fuck are we doing? | ||
| Noun self pronoun can refer to animals. | ||
| So your pronouns can be bun, bun self, and kitten, kitten self. | ||
| What the fuck is a bun? | ||
| It can be a vamp, though. | ||
| Oh my god, vamp self. | ||
| You could be a werewolf. | ||
| But then what? | ||
| That doesn't tell me. | ||
| First of all, vampire. | ||
| Finally I get to be a werewolf. | ||
| I want to be all by my kitten self. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you a boy or a girl vampire? | |
| That doesn't even tell me your gender still. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Or even just common slang like in it, in its, in itself. | ||
| Well, my in itself says, so hey, are you going to take in itself to the movies tonight? | ||
| I'll probably take kitten self. | ||
| Kitten work, cool. | ||
| These kids need jobs in a mine. | ||
| They need to work in a coal mine making the metal that you need for cell phones. | ||
| You need to work right next to the African kids that are digging Coltrane out of a fucking mountain. | ||
| Yeah, tell them, like, I'm a bun self. | ||
| In the Congo, yeah. | ||
| Call me bun self, like, are there buns? | ||
| I'm very hungry. | ||
| They need to be in West Virginia in the middle of a fucking coal mine hanging out with those meth heads. | ||
| Yeah, tell them you're a bun self. | ||
| Some of this could be a troll, but that's kind of fun that they mention that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It says that like... | ||
| What's playful? | ||
| You can't tell what's what. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For those unfamiliar with the culture surrounding neopronouns right now, it's likely impossible to distinguish between what's playful, what's deeply meaningful, and what's people being mean. | ||
| Who? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Who's being mean? | ||
| Making fun of it. | ||
| Like us? | ||
| Are we being mean? | ||
| Or making a werewolf self. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's so indulgent. | ||
| It's indulgent. | ||
| It's people looking to be special when they don't have anything that separates them from the herd. | ||
| You know, there's nothing about you that's special, so you decide you're a kitten self. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What would you say? | |
| I think, Joe, your clown makeup is where you have the chance to... | ||
| Spread your wings. | ||
| He's like, how does my clown make up? | ||
| Well, you were telling me about this fucking clown. | ||
| I told you to save it. | ||
| You were telling me where we were having espresso. | ||
| Oh, the greatest. | ||
| Yeah, we were having espresso talking about the great French clowns. | ||
| The guy showed you. | ||
| The guy who's the number one clown in the world. | ||
| He's the best clown. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| He doesn't use makeup anymore. | ||
| He passes the makeup. | ||
| That's what I took from it. | ||
| He has little red glasses. | ||
| He's such a master clown, he no longer needs a nose. | ||
| Do you slowly take away, like your shoes get shorter as you get better? | ||
| You lose your nose. | ||
| You can dress like a normal person. | ||
| The highest level is business suit. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| That's the best clown. | ||
| But it's very like Montreal, I mean, wait, I don't remember his name. | ||
| It's like Gallier. | ||
| The picture of him is great. | ||
| Your light is on. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You fucking grandpa. | ||
| Yeah, what is that? | ||
| Why does it do that? | ||
| Because it's on. | ||
| It's so that you could use it. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Like if you want to see something in the dark. | ||
| This is the boomer episode. | ||
| It turns on all the time. | ||
| We don't know what genders are. | ||
| Yeah, it's a button. | ||
| It's on your screen. | ||
| I know how to turn it off because it happens a lot. | ||
| This guy, yeah. | ||
| That's the head clown? | ||
| Philip Gallier. | ||
| Miserable looking fellow. | ||
| He looks like shit. | ||
| And there's accusations of cultiness. | ||
| Cultiness? | ||
| Yeah, it sounds like... | ||
| That's the number one clown of all time. | ||
| Get us some video on this, man, young Jamie. | ||
| There's a BBC thing of, like, the master of clowns. | ||
| Let's see him. | ||
| Oh, clown master workshop. | ||
| Oh, he's got a master workshop. | ||
| Now, see how they have the nose hung around their neck like a medallion? | ||
| The nose is around the neck? | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ, look at these fucking people. | ||
| They have a clown workshop. | ||
| Someone should do a documentary on what takes place. | ||
| Give me some volume on this guy. | ||
| He's the boss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Scorn was pointed. | |
| It's a delicate balance. | ||
| At whom the finger of scorn was pointed. | ||
| It's a delicate balance. | ||
| It's a really delicate balance, but I am a really delicate guy. | ||
| It's too long. | ||
| It's too long. | ||
| Gallier has a school in Paris. | ||
| He's taught some of the world's top performers, including Emma Thompson, even Sacha Baron Cohen. | ||
| He himself is someone who is very entertaining as a teacher. | ||
| So he entertains us for the full five hours each day of the workshop. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Five hours. | ||
| By the way, she had theater... | ||
| Theater kid energy reeking every day. | ||
| Can you show me a video of him doing clown stuff? | ||
| I want to see the master at work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You drop pencil, you go to pick it up, but you kick it forward, then you pick up the pencil. | |
| I do not need the makeup. | ||
| Well, he trashes them. | ||
| They do their clown presentations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| It does not mean that we stick to one theory. | ||
| There's theory. | ||
| There's clown theory. | ||
| Oh, Christ. | ||
| On clowning? | ||
| First of all, what gender are you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me hear this. | |
| Are you a bug self? | ||
| I am clown self. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The only clown is a sound guy. | |
| This is fucking terrible. | ||
| There's one called The Master of Clowns, or The Clown Master, and it's better because it shows the people getting torn down. | ||
| They just finished their presentation and he's like Gordon Ramsay trashing their... | ||
| I love the idiot sandwich Gordon Ramsay. | ||
| I see people use it as memes when you put bread by your head and you have to say they're an idiot sandwich. | ||
| You ever see him do that? | ||
| No, he does that? | ||
| Yeah, it's like a meme now, but he would... | ||
| He'd put bread on this chick's head and he goes, what are you? | ||
| You're an idiot sandwich. | ||
| Oh, you have to say it? | ||
| Is that a Hell's Kitchen thing? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's one of the degrading. | ||
| It's the only way to get attention, though, if you're going to do one of those shows. | ||
| You almost have to be mean. | ||
| There's so much crap out there. | ||
| Everybody knows who Simon Cowell is. | ||
| Yeah, why did Ellen get such a hard time for her Simon Cowell? | ||
| Well, it was different. | ||
| I bet Simon offstage is probably a nice guy. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's like when you're pretending to be a nice person and then offstage you're horrible to the people that work for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, boy. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| This is great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give me some volume. | |
| I think we were embarrassed. | ||
| We... | ||
| We are not sure if you are happy to see us. | ||
| Yeah, happy time. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Awful. | ||
| He kind of takes on a role at the center of the audience and gives them a voice. | ||
| So if there's a tiny bit of laughter, he won't say, oh, it's all right. | ||
| He'll say, no, it's horrible. | ||
| Your feedback is quite brutal. | ||
| Jamie, Jamie, go back to that. | ||
| Go back to right where it was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's all right. | |
| He'll say, no, it's horrible. | ||
| Your feedback is quite brutal. | ||
| Have you ever felt guilty about something that you've said to someone? | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| If you want to discover your clown, you have to hear the audience and when they laugh, it's me. | ||
| When they don't laugh, your clown is not close to your body. | ||
| I need to see this guy do clown stuff because right now I'm just hearing clown theory from him. | ||
| Very cocky. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like someone teaching a stand-up comedy class and you don't see their set, which is like often the case. | ||
| Have you ever watched a stand-up comedy class? | ||
| I took one when I first started. | ||
| Many times, not all the time, many times they are run by the worst fucking comics that have ever lived. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, the only... | ||
| The first time I ever heard of that... | ||
| Did you know Stu? | ||
| Do you know Stu Kamens? | ||
| Do you remember him? | ||
| No. | ||
| From like the 90s? | ||
| But he had been on like... | ||
| Like with Jeff Ross and like... | ||
| Every like 90s stand-up thing I would see, Comedy Central, I would see him pop up. | ||
| But he taught a class. | ||
| But it was made... | ||
| When you say it, it's funny because I'm sure he showed his set to the class a lot. | ||
| Like, this is a great... | ||
| I'm sure there's also people showing their set, like, this is how you do it. | ||
| It's like when you date an actress and she shows you her reel. | ||
| That's never happened to me. | ||
| I've had that. | ||
| I've had that. | ||
| You're like, what is this? | ||
| You usually have one line in a commercial. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could barely... | |
| It's a few strung together. | ||
| But it's much better than if you're over a friend's house and it's a guy and he shows you his reel. | ||
| Then it's like, this is death. | ||
| I have to get a new friend. | ||
| Or someone sings you a song and they wrote. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Or you're in a car and they trap you. | ||
| Hey, you gotta listen to this. | ||
| And they put the CD in and you're like... | ||
| Dude, I knew a guy that would bring girls home, this was years ago, and his room was right by the living room, so they'd go in his room, and you would hear first his reel. | ||
| No. | ||
| Like, first they watched his reel, then... | ||
| Oh my god, and then they would have sex? | ||
| And she'd be like, oh my god, you were on Law& Order for real? | ||
| That sounds pretty good. | ||
| No, there's nothing like that on the real thing. | ||
| It's just funny to hear, like, that's such a, it's such an actors and such. | ||
| Such an actor thing. | ||
| Yeah, like, you know, I guess I've never dated an actress now, but I think about it. | ||
| Well, it's such a mentally ill profession because you go in there, right? | ||
| If they weren't mentally ill when they started acting, they become mentally ill through this whole audition process. | ||
| Because you're insecure, you're trying, am I going to make it? | ||
| Is this going to happen for me? | ||
| And then you go in this room... | ||
| And you have to perform for these people. | ||
| And they're just like stoic, dead-faced. | ||
| And they're like, thank you. | ||
| And you leave and you're like, I want to kill myself. | ||
| And then you just want to do drugs or have sex or do something to try to distract yourself and drown out the pain. | ||
| And then next thing you know, you're doing it again. | ||
| You're doing it again. | ||
| You're getting rejected ten times a day. | ||
| And you're not selling like a t-shirt, you're selling yourself. | ||
| Do you like, no? | ||
| It is war class. | ||
| It's war class. | ||
| Yeah, but why, like in high school, the theater kids, I remember not even understand until later, like how much they were like, debauched. | ||
| A lot of them. | ||
| They were all fucking earlier than any, than the kids from the bad neighborhood, you know what I mean? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Not where I came from. | ||
| Oh, like Connecticut? | ||
| I was in the theater thing. | ||
| In Connecticut? | ||
| We did The Wiz. | ||
| It was an all-white school. | ||
| We did The Wiz, which is an all-black play. | ||
| Did you do blackface? | ||
| No, I was the scarecrow. | ||
| Did anybody do blackface? | ||
| No. | ||
| But we had one black girl in the school, and they cast her as a munchkin. | ||
| The one black girl in our whole school was... | ||
| Why isn't she the Diana Ross character? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Fuck. | ||
| This is way back when. | ||
| The fact that we did the Wiz at all, right? | ||
| Come on in, ease on down the road. | ||
| They actually had the woman who did it on Broadway, who did the music on Broadway. | ||
| Their director came to our school for a day because our director knew this lady. | ||
| And she was just so disgusted. | ||
| She was like, come on, ease on down, ease on down. | ||
| And we're like, ease on. | ||
| She couldn't get us to... | ||
| You were singing like Ben Shapiro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ease on down. | |
| Ease on down to Sherry's Barry's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sounds like... | |
| It's fine, it's fine. | ||
| That's the best Ben Shapiro impression ever. | ||
| When you do Ben Shapiro, I cry. | ||
| Has he seen it? | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| I think you sent him the Biden Shapiro one. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So I guess... | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| He enjoyed it, actually. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We thought it was funny. | |
| When he was sitting on... | ||
| When he was sitting on Biden's lap. | ||
| Oh, you sent him that one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Okay. | ||
| He was pretty tiny in that one. | ||
| I think I've sent him multiple ones. | ||
| We have a Star Trek one coming out with him. | ||
| He's playing Spock. | ||
| The editing work, I need editing help, but most of my time I'm editing. | ||
| Are you an editor? | ||
| Do you know how to do it? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Do you know how to use the computers and everything? | ||
| Yes, I edit everything and it takes forever. | ||
| Using Avid, what are you using? | ||
| Yeah, I use Premiere Pro. | ||
| And it's just like, it knocks me down. | ||
| It just takes out so much energy. | ||
| You need Adderall. | ||
| Yeah, I think I need drugs. | ||
| I think that's the answer. | ||
| Or another editor. | ||
| A lot of those guys are on Adderall. | ||
| It's such a... | ||
| It's so hard to sleep when you edit all day. | ||
| I wake up. | ||
| I edit all day. | ||
| I collapse. | ||
| Wake up. | ||
| And then, like, now my sleep is so fucked up because... | ||
| Oh, I can imagine. | ||
| Well, Adderall should help with that. | ||
| Adderall and India. | ||
| You want a great sleep battery. | ||
| You need a double A combination. | ||
| You need a good doctor. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I went to a sleep doctor and it was helpful, but the actual cure for sleep is so annoying. | ||
| It takes about a week, but it really works if you're having trouble sleeping. | ||
| You have to get up out of bed if you can't sleep immediately. | ||
| And you get up and you read or whatever. | ||
| And then when your head starts bobbing, you get back into bed. | ||
| And after about a week, your brain goes, okay, we hit this bed, we sleep. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's really annoying, because for a week you don't sleep much at all. | ||
| Tim Dillon told me he quit drinking coffee and it fucking completely cured all of his sleep problems. | ||
| No, he doesn't have sleep problems. | ||
| You don't drink coffee? | ||
| Every now and then I do, but like... | ||
| It's just my mind is racing around. | ||
| So it's just work? | ||
| Just work stuff? | ||
| Yeah, also music loops in my head incessantly. | ||
| Sometimes it gets into some annoying loop. | ||
| Stuff like that. | ||
| Just for no reason lying in bed? | ||
| It sounds like acquired savantism. | ||
| It's a loop. | ||
| Do you know that guy, do you see that, the guy that he got like, it's always like a head injury. | ||
| Yeah, quiet. | ||
| Oh, right, right, right. | ||
| You get hit by lightning and you can read minds. | ||
| Some guy hit his head on a pool or something and then he started playing keyboards. | ||
| So he just sees black and white boxes and he only gets like a third of what's like, it's like almost too, yeah, like the stuff's all there and too much of it's coming in at once and he has to The guy from Oasis got hit in the head with a hammer. | ||
| Then he said he liked music. | ||
| There's another story about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| A hammer? | ||
| That's one of the English things. | ||
| A hammer? | ||
| I got hit with a hammer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A hammer? | |
| There's like a one and a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's Scottish, I think? | |
| That's not English. | ||
| You have a tiny chance of getting hit in the head and having some kind of superpower. | ||
| Yeah, it's very low. | ||
| Most of the time we just get dumb. | ||
| There's a disease that I... Wouldn't be bad to have. | ||
| Normally a disease you don't want, but this disease I found, it's not bad. | ||
| It's called Williams, and this side effect is you're friendly. | ||
| There's a video of this girl, and she's just like, hugs are the best! | ||
| And her sisters have to be like, no, you can't hug strangers. | ||
| It's an amazing side effect. | ||
| She's so happy. | ||
| Especially during a pandemic, that's not a good... | ||
| No. | ||
| How'd she get it? | ||
| I think you're just born with it. | ||
| But there's a guy, a really annoying guy, interviewing her, and he's like, I like when you smile. | ||
| It makes me smile. | ||
| And she's like, uh-huh, I like to smile. | ||
| He's like, well, that makes me feel good. | ||
| Does that make you feel good, that I feel good? | ||
| She's like... | ||
| So she doesn't recognize him being annoying? | ||
| I think she kind of... | ||
| There's a little bit in her face. | ||
| But she tolerates it because she's so nice? | ||
| She's so happy, but part of... | ||
| He almost knocked it out of her. | ||
| Maybe that's the cure. | ||
| Just being around someone who's really bad. | ||
| It's called Williams? | ||
| I've never heard of that. | ||
| Does it do anything else? | ||
| I mean... | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here it is. | |
| What are the effects of Williams Syndrome? | ||
| Williams Syndrome is a developmental disorder that affects many parts of the body. | ||
| This condition is characterized by mild to moderate intellectual disability or learning problems, unique personality characteristics, distinctive facial features, and heart and blood vessels. | ||
| So this is like a shit about being nice. | ||
| What sounds bad when they say it? | ||
| They don't say nice. | ||
| It doesn't say being nice at all. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It was a YouTube video, Williams Syndrome, side effect friendliness. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I don't do deep research. | ||
| Good move. | ||
| If you know all the facts, it'll fuck up your comedy. | ||
| Would you like a job reporting at Rolling Stone on the health beat? | ||
| How fucking crazy is that story? | ||
| And by the way, if people don't know that that's complete bullshit, they're not going to know. | ||
| Because that is so bald-faced lie that the people that are like, no, yeah, watch Colbert and are like, oh, it's a horse dewormer. | ||
| There's nothing you're going to ever tell them. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Well, the narrative has gotten out. | ||
| So if you're not a person who looks into these stories, the narrative is ivermectin is a horse dewormer. | ||
| And Rolling Stone actually printed a story that said that there was a hospital that had so many cases of overdose of horse dewormer that gunshot wound victims Had to wait. | ||
| They could not get into the emergency room. | ||
| Complete, total fabrication. | ||
| They had no cases of ivermectin poisoning. | ||
| None. | ||
| Zero zilch. | ||
| Not only that, you can't find any in the whole country. | ||
| There's none. | ||
| It's not toxic. | ||
| It's a lie. | ||
| Not only that, the doctor that was in that story hadn't worked in that emergency room for months. | ||
| It was a complete fabrication. | ||
| Rolling Stone did no research and just printed it. | ||
| And then Rachel Maddow tweeted it. | ||
| And then all these other lefties started tweeting. | ||
| They all ran to Newsweek. | ||
| They all ran the same... | ||
| The same story. | ||
| That's crazy! | ||
| Never looked into it, never verified it. | ||
| Journalism has become so clickbait-driven that this was a great story, you know, and it was right after I said that I had taken ivermectin, which I also said I had taken monoclonal antibodies, by the way, which is Regeneron, which Fauci has said keeps 85% of the people who take it out of the hospital. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, horse re-wormer probably? | |
| Meanwhile, Ivermectin, there's multiple randomized controlled studies on this stuff. | ||
| The guy got a Nobel Prize and invented it because it's one of the most important drugs in human history. | ||
| It's one of the World Health Organization's essential medicines. | ||
| And the idea that they're just defaming this drug and defaming me by saying that it's horse dewormer is hilarious. | ||
| Did you see this dipshit from The Intercept? | ||
| First of all, I love Jimmy Dore. | ||
| He played, you know, that was going around. | ||
| I can't remember the name of the reporter. | ||
| It's from Intercept, but it's a hack. | ||
| And Jimmy put up that World Health Organization, just the information about the drug with no comment. | ||
| So this guy, oh, we're into horse dewormers now, right? | ||
| And some woman tweets, like, my family lives in a third world country. | ||
| And, you know, they're not just giving the vaccine away to people who can't afford it in other countries. | ||
| They have to use ivermectin. | ||
| She says, it saved my family's life, the ones that took it. | ||
| So this fucking piece of shit digs into her history, like her personal history, and finds she had a DUI. This is what he uses his journalistic... | ||
| Connections for it. | ||
| She had a DUI 10 years ago, and he posts that and goes, oh, I really want to know what you think. | ||
| Emoji car crash to like beer steins. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| And basically Doxter, that was his response to someone whose third world parents are, family is safe from the drug. | ||
| That's so, like the DUI thing is so crazy to me, because I thought it was going to be, he just said something stupid. | ||
| That's like vicious. | ||
| Well, this is these ideologically driven ideas. | ||
| Like, you're either on our side or you're on the enemy's side. | ||
| It's so tribal. | ||
| Like, the idea that a medication... | ||
| By the way, I listed off a bunch of medications that I took. | ||
| And the reason why I did is because I wanted people to know what I took because I felt great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because I was already feeling better. | ||
| That's the craziest boy! | ||
| It was Wednesday. | ||
| By Friday, I had tested negative. | ||
| I mean, this is a five-day period. | ||
| Two days where I didn't feel good. | ||
| One day I felt like shit. | ||
| One day I didn't feel so bad. | ||
| And then Wednesday, when I put the video out, I felt pretty fucking good. | ||
| I mean, I was out walking around in my backyard, having a good time outside, playing with the dog. | ||
| Like, I didn't feel 100%, but I felt pretty fucking good. | ||
| And that's when I put the video out, because I had to say, Chappelle and I weren't doing that arena that weekend. | ||
| I had to cancel it, and this is why, because I got COVID. But I wanted to let everybody know all the different stuff that I took. | ||
| By the way, I'm not an anti-vaxxer. | ||
| I've encouraged my parents to get vaccinated. | ||
| I've encouraged all my overweight friends to get vaccinated, at least most of them. | ||
| I was about to take the vaccine myself. | ||
| The UFC allocated a bunch of vaccines. | ||
| And I showed up to get vaccinated. | ||
| And there was a mistake, and they said, the way the CDC has it, you have to actually go to the hospital. | ||
| And I said, I can't do that right now, but I'll be back in two weeks. | ||
| Can we do it then? | ||
| They said, yes, fine. | ||
| And so then, in between that two weeks' time, the Johnson& Johnson vaccine, which is the one that the UFC had allocated, got pulled because people were getting blood clots. | ||
| So then I went, hey... | ||
| And so then I started looking into it, and then two people that I know had severe side effects of getting vaccinated. | ||
| Just random, because I know a lot of people. | ||
| It's fairly safe. | ||
| If you look at the numbers, like the people that have adverse side effects versus the people that don't, it's not even 1%. | ||
| It's a very small percentage of people that have adverse side effects. | ||
| Well, if you're in that percentage of the people where it's adverse, because I have it, I didn't, I was like, I don't care, I'll just take a chance. | ||
| But if you're the kind of person that does, and I know people that, I told you my one friend, Steve Bryan, he had COVID, then he got the vaccine later, like after he's over it, and then he got Delta and had to be hospitalized, and the doctor's like, you know how rare this is? | ||
| Is your friend in poor shape? | ||
| No, now he's better. | ||
| No, I think he has asthma, though. | ||
| But does he exercise? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's not in like... | ||
| I don't know his... | ||
| He doesn't smoke. | ||
| Does he look healthy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That video you put out, I saw one where they put a filter on making you look more sick. | ||
| MSNBC, CNN, they put a yellow filter on it. | ||
| They made me look like I had jaundice. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's good reporting. | ||
| Dude, it's crazy. | ||
| Dude, if it's... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Somebody said horse goo. | ||
| I swear to you. | ||
| That's where I got horse gum from. | ||
| So... | ||
| But then you got better... | ||
| So basically their story is... | ||
| Horse dewormer is really effective, ultimately, because you're, like, way better. | ||
| Well, I was good then. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I was literally testing negative two days after that. | ||
| So at that time, maybe they didn't think I was good. | ||
| Like, I saw some vice story that said I was unconvincing, saying that I felt good. | ||
| I was like, how am I convincing? | ||
| I'm talking. | ||
| I'm not coughing. | ||
| Oh, that's an objective journalistic term. | ||
| It's all bullshit because it's like they've decided that I'm against their ideology and their ideologies. | ||
| Everyone must get vaccinated. | ||
| You know, I don't think there's anything wrong with understanding all of the treatments that are available on top of being vaccinated. | ||
| Even if you are vaccinated, you should probably seek out aggressive treatment if you get sick. | ||
| I have friends that are vaccinated that immediately upon finding out they had COVID, because now I know 14 people who are vaccinated who also got COVID after they were vaccinated. | ||
| But I have friends that immediately sought out the same kind of treatment that I did. | ||
| They got on monoclonal antibodies. | ||
| They got on a bunch of different things that I got onto. | ||
| Some of them even got on ivermectin. | ||
| There's a whole frontline critical COVID care group on Twitter and they detail all the randomized control studies that have been done on ivermectin and the fact that it has been used for RNA viruses throughout the history of its use. | ||
| It's over 40 years old. | ||
| It's been around forever, and this drug has a long history of use on Zika virus, on dengue fever, and yellow fever. | ||
| It's not horsey worm. | ||
| It's for poor people, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, well, I'll take poor drugs. | |
| I eat poor people food. | ||
| Does Dr. Fauci say it's something? | ||
| No, he doesn't. | ||
| But it's a it's also and this is not a conspiracy theory. | ||
| It's a generic drug meaning it's been around for so long anyone can make it pass me Vaccinate your pets The thing is it's like what I said was not hey, you don't need a vaccine. | ||
| Just take this stuff. | ||
| I I did not say that. | ||
| I don't even know what you said. | ||
| I read it. | ||
| I saw a headline. | ||
| All I said was what I took and that I felt great. | ||
| Is there any, and this is a real question, is there any news source that's, besides the Al Jazeera News Network, that's like legit where you really get good news? | ||
| I would have said The Intercept back when Glenn Greenwald was with them. | ||
| Everything's compromised, dude. | ||
| I think everything's compromised. | ||
| I think you have to go on Substack, and I think there's independent video people. | ||
| That I follow, that I know, like Jimmy Dore, who's super legit. | ||
| Matt Taibbi, super legit. | ||
| But Jimmy I love, but I just mean as a journalist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Matt Taibbi is literally as good as it gets as a journalist. | ||
| Then you have The Hill. | ||
| I think they do a really good job. | ||
| Rising, that show Rising, the new people on it. | ||
| And then the people that left, Crystal and Sagar, who now have their show Breaking Points, which is fantastic. | ||
| What's that on? | ||
| Yeah, I like that show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's on YouTube. | |
| Oh, it's on YouTube. | ||
| They're undeniable. | ||
| They're undeniable. | ||
| They are so honest and so legit, and there's never a slant, or they don't omit things because it doesn't align with their ideology. | ||
| Also, she's very left-wing, he's right-wing, and the two of them complement each other perfectly. | ||
| It's a good show. | ||
| It's a great show. | ||
| It will they or won't they, you're saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
LOL. Kyle Kalinske, he's another one. | |
| Completely trust him. | ||
| There's people that are just honest people. | ||
| He really punked out with Jimmy. | ||
| I was very gravely disappointed watching him do that, Kyle Kalinske. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| That bullshit the Young Turks tried to do with Jimmy with... | ||
| You don't remember that whole story? | ||
| Kyle Kalinske did? | ||
| Yeah, but he was working with Young Turks at the time. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Kyle Kalinske was never working with Young Turks? | ||
| His channel had something to do with them at the point when... | ||
| You don't remember the whole Jimmy controversy with Anna Kasparian? | ||
| Kyle Kalinske? | ||
| Are you sure that Kyle Kalinske had something to do with the Young Turks? | ||
| He's been independent, I think, the entire time. | ||
| He's been on YouTube. | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| I was under the impression it was like he was part of something with them because of the way he was deferring to it. | ||
| I don't know that he is now. | ||
| But it was like a real punk move, I thought, how he handled it. | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| So Jimmy, that chick from the Young Turks, the I'm better than you chick. | ||
| The I'm better than you chick? | ||
| You're talking about Anna Kasperi? | ||
| She says, I'm better than you? | ||
| You've never seen the famous clip of her going, I'm better than you! | ||
| No, I haven't seen that. | ||
| She stinks. | ||
| Oh, how rude. | ||
| The burp, or they're saying that? | ||
| Well, whatever. | ||
| I've had nothing but good experiences with her, I should say. | ||
| I've had her on the podcast before, I've been on her show. | ||
| Their show trashed me years ago. | ||
| I'm sure they've trashed me, too. | ||
| They were just jumping on it. | ||
| They're heavily left-wing. | ||
| No, they've moved because they've got money now, so they're moving center. | ||
| You know, Cenk doesn't like unions, and they're so left, but he's not into it. | ||
| Are they center now? | ||
| Well, they just got a big cash influx from Katzenberg, whatever that group is. | ||
| I've read some of this stuff. | ||
| So they're moving. | ||
| Yeah, right, because you want to be friends with people, right? | ||
| But I don't know them. | ||
| I'll give it up. | ||
| This guy, Josh Zepp, did defend me when Senk was going in on me. | ||
| Josh Zepp's from Australia? | ||
| Yeah, he was like... | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Yeah, I like that guy. | ||
| So... | ||
| She lied about Aaron Mate, who's a very good reporter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Okay, I do know about that. | ||
| She said he's a Russian agent and all this nonsense, because he reports on Syria. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| So Jimmy's talking about it on his show, and she sends him a little blackmail thing. | ||
| Like, I have this story I've been sitting on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| I know what you're talking about now. | ||
| That you said nice news skirt to me years ago. | ||
| And it was a threat, like, you're going to stop talking. | ||
| So he just blew it up himself. | ||
| Well, he had said something about her dressing inappropriately. | ||
| He made a joke about her dressing inappropriately in the workplace. | ||
| Right, at their frat boy environment. | ||
| I mean, imagine a man wearing his Daisy Dukes and hanging his balls out of the side. | ||
| And a female makes a joke, like, hey, nice news attire, dude. | ||
| And you're like, oh my god, I'm assaulted. | ||
| And the guy's the boss, by the way. | ||
| Right, but... | ||
| On the other hand, do you give a fuck if a girl wears a skirt and, like, has her legs showing at a... | ||
| Do you give a fuck? | ||
| The whole point is, she didn't do anything other than, like... | ||
| Because she's joking. | ||
| Yeah, like, it's... | ||
| Look, if somebody exposes themselves in front of a room of people, it is uncomfortable to not... | ||
| As a comedian, it's odd to be, like, not saying... | ||
| So... | ||
| The message above the blackmail message is, hey, you're doing great. | ||
| Great to see you. | ||
| The whole point is, all of this was to just distract from the Aaron Maté thing, which they've never taken back, calling him a Russian agent. | ||
| So that's a cheap... | ||
| You're not supposed to use that stuff as a ploy. | ||
| It's about the Syria thing, yeah. | ||
| Like a thing that didn't... | ||
| You've been sitting on it just in case. | ||
| All these political people think that's the way you operate. | ||
| You're like, oh, I have this story I can use if I ever need it. | ||
| Well, it's not just that. | ||
| It's putting it down in print. | ||
| And then the fact that he just went out and just said it. | ||
| It's great that he did that. | ||
| This is what happened. | ||
| Yeah, this is what I said. | ||
| And then some people criticized him for... | ||
| Kyle Kalinske did. | ||
| Slut shaming. | ||
| Oh, he did? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| See, that's what I'm not aware of. | ||
| So this is what I'm not aware of. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| It's like if I heard someone said that, I'd punch him in the notes. | ||
| Just some dumb shit that he looked like he didn't want to say, by the way. | ||
| But he has to because he has a relationship that he's got to pay fealty to first. | ||
| That's what it looked like to me. | ||
| I like Kyle a lot. | ||
| But I'll still watch any of these shows. | ||
| I don't have a thing where, you know, it's like Stern versus O&A feelings. | ||
| People develop these opinions about things and then, you know... | ||
| That's a weird one. | ||
| The whole thing is weird, because it's weird to accuse someone of something like that just because they're criticizing you about a particular— Well, if this person's a danger, and you've been cool with them up until they call you out for a thing you did lie about, now suddenly you're like, oh, I'm bothered. | ||
| That's real vile and calculated, isn't it? | ||
| I'll be at Laugh Boston on New Year's. | ||
| Well, it's definitely like a card that you had. | ||
| You gonna be at Laugh Boston on New Year's? | ||
| I was just trying to jump in. | ||
| Are you really gonna be there on New Year's? | ||
| You ever do Laugh Boston? | ||
| But it's August or September or something. | ||
| That's so far from now. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I was just making a joke. | ||
| No one's gonna remember. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I was just making a funny joke. | ||
| A hilarious joke. | ||
| Are you trying to chime in? | ||
| I just thought, like, you guys know something I don't know, and then I felt jealous and I wanted to jump in. | ||
| I didn't know about all this. | ||
| He knows a lot of information. | ||
| I didn't know Kyle had anything to do with any of this stuff. | ||
| It just looked like, alright, you see, you gotta, like, not... | ||
| I like the way you can't help but say the thing. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| I hate that, like, diplomatic... | ||
| Where I'm like, like, there's no way you think that Jimmy should be punching the nose. | ||
| There's no way you really think that. | ||
| You're saying it because you have to suck up. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| I can't stand that. | ||
| Like, I'd rather blow a relationship. | ||
| Well, can you imagine if someone was in a workplace environment, and there was a girl with like a super, super short skirt, and then you were like, nice, appropriate workplace environment, and then you walked up to that guy and gave him a concussion. | ||
| Just punched him in the face, his nose explodes. | ||
| Oh, what the fuck, man? | ||
| He falls down, bangs his head off the ground. | ||
| Also, Kyle wouldn't punch anybody. | ||
| You could tell he's not a puncher-in-the-nose guy. | ||
| But that's a crazy thing to say. | ||
| You know what it sounded like to me? | ||
| It sounded like me as a kid in Jehovah's Witness Kingdom Hall... | ||
| Saying the thing I know the adults want to hear from my like well, that's very good Kurt you said the thing like a thing that right I know this that's what it came off like well You've said this multiple times because you did grow up in a cult because you did grow up in Jehovah's Witnesses that you Recognize this sort of behavior in a lot of this woke bullshit that it is just like a call not just that I mean that's the obvious kind of thing but There's a thing of don't harm the organization. | ||
| This is across everything, not just religion or whatever, that don't harm the organization. | ||
| Maybe you know a fact, but if it harms the overall organization, we don't want to let that get out. | ||
| And they all have that. | ||
| Young Turks turn on Julian Assange. | ||
| You're like, I think he loves Trump. | ||
| That's the kind of shit they say about the guy because he let those Hillary emails out. | ||
| It's not that he told a lie. | ||
| He didn't say she took horse dewormer or something. | ||
| He put out real factual information, but they feel like it cost her in the election, and you're supposed to hide the truth because our team might not win, right? | ||
| And you're supposed to just think like that if you want to be part of the team. | ||
| Have you ever seen the video of the Young Turks watching the election? | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| It's one of the greatest things of all time. | ||
| At the beginning, they are so fucking... | ||
| Trump's going down. | ||
| This is going to be fucking awesome. | ||
| We're going to have our first woman president, Hillary Clinton. | ||
| And then halfway in, they're like, fuck! | ||
| They film that and put it out? | ||
| It's amazing! | ||
| It's a live coverage. | ||
| It's live coverage. | ||
| That was like the year that any idiot could have told you that she wasn't going to win? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| In 2016, there's a lot of people thought that she was going to win. | ||
| A lot of people thought she was going to win. | ||
| I mean, all of the news organizations were projecting that Hillary Clinton was going to win. | ||
| Yeah, because they're completely out of touch with anything anyone thinks or feels. | ||
| I agree, but still, the narrative was out there that she was going to win. | ||
| And then when you're in these thought bubbles, like Los Angeles, which is like, there's so many people in LA that are just completely subscribed to the Democratic Party. | ||
| Yeah, New York is like that. | ||
| That's how New York was. | ||
| Blue, no matter who, and that's just how you are. | ||
| If you're a good person, you vote blue. | ||
| And it's managed to sink the state. | ||
| And if you look at the policies, because of this lack of competition, because of this lack of diversity of thought, the state has sunk. | ||
| The taxes are at an all-time high. | ||
| Somebody sent me this meme. | ||
| It's fucking hilarious. | ||
| I'm going to send this to you, Jamie. | ||
| This is California in a nutshell, Jamie. | ||
| I'm going to send this to you right now. | ||
| You see the thing that came out where Rose McGowan, I guess Gavin Newsom's wife called her and asked her, what does she want to not talk about Weinstein? | ||
| Yes, what the fuck? | ||
| Dude, what in the holy fuck? | ||
| Oh, Rose McGowan is such a loose cannon, that's great. | ||
| She's a wild lady. | ||
| That's the funniest thing, because she was in the beginning, when she saw Me Too going back, she didn't hold back saying... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Thank God California banned plastic straws, and it's this homeless encampment, this fucking giant garbage dump. | ||
| It's so perfect. | ||
| That is so perfect for California. | ||
| I mean, it's crazy. | ||
| And when that guy was mayor of San Francisco, he sucked too. | ||
| That's when I first heard of him, was seeing how bad San Francisco it got. | ||
| Do you know the whole thing about his house? | ||
| No. | ||
| He was gifted a three and a half million dollar house. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it was like gifted to him as a part of an LLC that he became a part of. | ||
| Oh, that's nice. | ||
| And then he took a mortgage on his house for like two plus million. | ||
| And so they literally gave him millions of dollars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's like somehow or another some very bizarre legal loophole where you're the governor of California and they can give you millions of dollars. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| And then right in front of everybody's face, they gift you a house. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, well, you're definitely not obligated to do anything that you wouldn't do. | ||
| That's just for him. | ||
| Do they always give the governor a house? | ||
| I've never heard that someone... | ||
| Recently, I paid $400,000 for a Hunter Biden painting, so I understand... | ||
| Sometimes you appreciate art. | ||
| Dude, there's this couple that's getting divorced, and they have $600 million worth of art. | ||
| It is the biggest single art collection that's ever going up for auction. | ||
| And there's one painting that they have on the wall that is a 2007 painting by some person I've never heard of. | ||
| I obviously don't know much about modern art in particular. | ||
| And it's worth, I think, $40 to $60 million. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Yeah, $40 to $60 million. | ||
| It's a fucking splatter. | ||
| You know what that looks like, Kyle? | ||
| That looks like a good pussy's background. | ||
| That does, yes. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| It says, Cy Twombie's untitled work from 2007 has an estimate of $40 to $60 million, courtesy of Sotheby's. | ||
| What in the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Did you imagine? | ||
| $40 to $60 million is an insane house on a massive piece of land. | ||
| Are they able to say, like, what about that is good? | ||
| With Ferraris! | ||
| This is like the original NFTs, guys. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| But this is so crazy. | ||
| Like, for $40- $60 million, you should have a fucking insane house, a private jet, a Ferrari, a Mercedes, a crazy game room, full bar, movie theater. | ||
| I would have just a shitty house and that painting. | ||
| Nothing else would be nice, and I'd just have that. | ||
| I mean, fucking imagine! | ||
| Just imagine that that's worth $60 million. | ||
| Please don't look at any of the other images. | ||
| I just want to concentrate on the other one, Jimmy. | ||
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| That's Pinocchio. | ||
| The other one is Pinocchio's head. | ||
| They found Pinocchio's skeleton. | ||
| Scroll down. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| I didn't know that was a real guy. | ||
| That's worth a billion dollars. | ||
| That's the actual Pinocchio. | ||
| That's a fossil of Pinocchio. | ||
| What is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a lion. | |
| Fuck. | ||
| He's lying about Marilyn Monroe and that. | ||
| The whole thing is so insane. | ||
| That painting is so insanely bad. | ||
| Does anyone try to explain why it's good? | ||
| Does anybody try to say... | ||
| See, I can make that. | ||
| See, I cannot do the Mona Lisa. | ||
| I know why it's good, because it's a huge canvas. | ||
| It's all about how big the canvas is. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| There's no sense to this. | ||
| There's zero sense to that being worth 40 to 60 million dollars. | ||
| I don't give a fuck who made it. | ||
| I don't give a fuck where he's from, where he went to school, who he mentored under. | ||
| Fuck you, eat shit. | ||
| That's not 40 million dollars. | ||
| I could see it being worth 35 million, but I agree with you. | ||
| I could see that worth 3,500. | ||
| It's worth $3,500. | ||
| Steve Martin would be able to tell you if it's good or not. | ||
| That's his big thing. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it doesn't matter. | ||
| This is only worth what people are willing to pay for it. | ||
| And I guess some people are willing to pay for it because this gentleman, Ty Twombie, is apparently a very famous artist. | ||
| Which I get. | ||
| Okay, that's fine. | ||
| But there's no way I can do that. | ||
| I mean, I can make that. | ||
| This is a Cy Twombie. | ||
| I 100% can make that, and I'm not a good painter. | ||
| Well, you know, you ever see that documentary about the guy duplicating Vermeer paintings? | ||
| Yes, I have. | ||
| Like, being a counterfeiter must be so easy now. | ||
| Do you know the story about The Lost Da Vinci? | ||
| No, I saw a commercial, but I never saw it. | ||
| It's a crazy story. | ||
| This painting was sold, someone bought it from a fucking yard sale or something ridiculous like that, or a pawn shop. | ||
| For a ridiculously small amount of money, like a thousand bucks or something like that. | ||
| And then they realized that there was layers of paint on top of this painting and that they sent it to this art restorer. | ||
| And I don't understand the process of restoring truly ancient paintings. | ||
| But apparently it's a painstaking process that took, I want to say it took a decade. | ||
| And during this decade, this person worked on it full-time, every day, all day. | ||
| And they took layer upon layer of this old paint off very, very slowly. | ||
| Like an archaeologist. | ||
| Yes, like an archaeologist. | ||
| Turns out, they think it was initially a Leonardo da Vinci. | ||
| And that Leonardo da Vinci painted this. | ||
| This is the painting. | ||
| So this is... | ||
| Show what it looked like. | ||
| So who painted over a Leonardo Di Finci painting? | ||
| Find the original, if you could find the original. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| This is the other problem. | ||
| When they did a scan of the painting, they believe that there's multiple years and multiple layers of the painting, so they think that Some of the painting might have been Leonardo da Vinci, but then some of the painting might have been someone else copying da Vinci or someone else painting on it at a later date. | ||
| Whether it was da Vinci or not that did that, it's debatable. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The painting is owned by some Saudi royal. | ||
| And he paid, I think, $450 million. | ||
| I think it's like the most expensive painting of all time. | ||
| And now it's like sitting on his yacht somewhere. | ||
| I mean, that does look like a multiple gender portrait of someone. | ||
| They wanted to put it in the Louvre, but he wanted it to be next to Mona Lisa and say it was the male Mona Lisa and they refused because they said it's under controversy. | ||
| See if you can find the original Salvador Monday, the original, what it originally looked like. | ||
| My mother filled my room with clown paintings of a child. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Is that the craziest thing about Alvador Mundi original? | ||
| She's trying to raise a clown. | ||
| There was one painting where I was a clown reading the Wall Street Journal crying like it had bad stocks. | ||
| Is that the original? | ||
| No, in the lower left. | ||
| No, no, go back. | ||
| Go back. | ||
| Go back. | ||
| Go back to where you were. | ||
| Yeah, the left-hand side, up top. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Click on that. | |
| Someone's selling it, though. | ||
| That's a poster. | ||
| What if you spend a decade on doing that? | ||
| Oh, but it looks like shit. | ||
| I know. | ||
| These are Google ads. | ||
| Wait, so had someone painted a beard on it and they just removed the beard? | ||
| But that's not what the original looked like? | ||
| I wouldn't imagine so. | ||
| Is that what the original looked like? | ||
| I'm just skipping. | ||
| I skipped past that shit. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| We'll go to images. | ||
| And see what the original Paint oh, I think that's it right there the one that's all scratched up and fucked up there I think that's what it originally looked like. | ||
| Oh, yeah, so it took ten years for this person to go over it and I don't know the process and I'm not exactly sure how the fuck they do it. | ||
| Because if it's like scratched and there's paint missing and stuff, do they replace the paint? | ||
| Who replaces the paint? | ||
| How does that count? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Is that the original? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| That looks bad if they're trying to make it look like that. | ||
| Because those are two different people. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Do you know that hand gesture, what that is? | ||
| That's like, I'm teaching you now hands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that? | |
| Hey, it's a motherfucker. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| Try the sauce. | ||
| That's a Sammy the Bull Gravano. | ||
| I fucking told him, get in the trunk. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| I think there's more than one Salvador Monday, but this painting is super controversial, and they don't know exactly... | ||
| See, it says Leonardo da Vinci. | ||
| They don't know exactly if Leonardo da Vinci actually even painted it. | ||
| They think he did, or at least he painted some of it, but, you know, it's hard. | ||
| How many other painters were there around the time of da Vinci that were, like, just, you know... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, do they hang out in a circle and then somebody's like, oh, I'm going to paint over his... | ||
| Well, maybe it's like Dave Attell, right? | ||
| Like, he's so funny that other people sound just like him. | ||
| This is how I do it. | ||
| I'm going to paint like him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You leave New York like this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then in LA, a bunch of people copied Norm MacDonald. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| Well, I just noticed there was like... | ||
| Because we, dude, Attell, we all tried to be like Attell. | ||
| I remember first seeing him. | ||
| L.A. was like the Dane Cook squatting point. | ||
| It was like squatting point. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about. | ||
| There's a few of those guys. | ||
| They would dress like Dane. | ||
| They would wear similar baseball hats and similar clothes. | ||
| They would dress like a kid who just got off a baseball team. | ||
| Yeah, and then sound effects. | ||
| I was in New York first. | ||
| When I got out of here, there was a lot of sound effects. | ||
| I ate a hamburger. | ||
| You really saw a lot of good, like, Police Academy guy? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That guy was great. | ||
| That guy had the best side effects ever. | ||
| You ever see him do A Whole Lotta Love with just his mouth? | ||
| No. | ||
| See, what is his name again? | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
| What is his name? | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| The guy from Police Academy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Michael Winslow. | |
| Yes, Michael Winslow. | ||
| I think, safely say, greatest sound effects artist comedian of all time. | ||
| Dude, when I was a kid, that was a thing that every, you know, like movies, people, police academy too. | ||
| Go from the beginning. | ||
| This is his voice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen to this. | |
| That's the guy with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You want to do the original artist's key of E? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| That's his mouth. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah It's amazing It's amazing It gets better, too. | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| The face is perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's dead. | |
| He's got his head on. | ||
| Of course he's got a pedal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at that guy's neck. | ||
| Ha ha ha ha ha. | ||
| That's his mouth. | ||
| Classic. | ||
| We get it. | ||
| Do you remember that guy? | ||
| Amazing, right? | ||
| Yeah, that's incredible. | ||
| Do you remember that guy, Rozelle, that beatbox guy? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I did a comedy show when I started where he was like the opening. | ||
| It was fucking crazy what he did. | ||
| He would do different instruments. | ||
| I don't know how he was pulling it off, but... | ||
| Beatboxing was a big deal for a while, where dudes would slap their chest and have all kinds of weird sounds. | ||
| Dude, he did stuff... | ||
| I've never seen that, though, where somebody made that kind of guitar noise. | ||
| But he's definitely using... | ||
| What is he using, Jamie? | ||
| You're an audio guy. | ||
| A guitar pedal. | ||
| Same thing you'd have for a guitar for distortion. | ||
| And you just do distortion for sound? | ||
| That's what the distortion was, yeah. | ||
| And so he can adjust the distortion with the pedal? | ||
| If he was doing a wah-wah pedal, yeah, that's what that's for. | ||
| But yeah, he just had a click-on, click-off stomp. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Pretty amazing. | ||
| Amazing shit. | ||
| There's all kinds of comedy. | ||
| But yeah, but that's the point about the Salvador Monday. | ||
| Like, maybe it was a guy who just copied Leonardo da Vinci, like that guy who was the counterfeiter. | ||
| The Vermeer guy, yeah. | ||
| Who would make, not just Vermeer, I mean, there was one guy who would do all sorts of, like he did a Picasso, he did like multiple different great artists. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can't tell the difference. | ||
| Yeah, but it's fucking, it's such a weird, like the whole art thing is such a bizarre status thing. | ||
| I was at an agent's house once in Aspen, this amazing house, and I was over this guy's house, like, wow, this house is crazy, like, how much the agents make? | ||
| All this thing is like, this guy's robbing people. | ||
| And I'm in his house, and I see this thing that's framed, and it's like this big, and it's like, Tissue paper and like color and I go, I go, is this like something his kid made? | ||
| And he goes, no, that's a blah blah blah. | ||
| That's $30,000. | ||
| I remember going, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Oh, is that it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, you know, a buddy of mine, a buddy of mine is, a lot of these guys, my 11 year old can fuck that up. | |
| She can do so much better than that. | ||
| Dude, my friends and artists who started out, you know, a lot of them started as graffiti people. | ||
| Like in New York, like Basquiat was one of those graffiti people that became an owner. | ||
| So my buddies, I didn't realize how much his stuff went for He offered me a painting, and I just wanted one, and I was like, I think it was worth like 30 grand when I looked up. | ||
| I couldn't believe it. | ||
| 30 grand? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I don't get the pricing on art. | ||
| He's a good artist. | ||
| I mean, he's a really good artist, but I was shocked at what the art world... | ||
| Look at this one, Jamie, that I just sent you, and tell me how much you think this one's worth. | ||
| Let's play. | ||
| How much is it worth? | ||
| I just want... | ||
| Let's see if Kurt and I can see who's better at guessing. | ||
| Just take a wild guess. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's very good under boob drawing there and some good hip action. | ||
| I don't say it's worth a lot. | ||
| That looks like an art school sketch pad from Art Institute where I went to school. | ||
| $10 million. | ||
| How much do you think it's worth, Kurt? | ||
| That looks like somebody's sketch to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think a lot. | |
| I think like $30. | ||
| $30? | ||
| $10 million. | ||
| $10 million. | ||
| My 11-year-old made that. | ||
| Oh, I'll give her $30. | ||
| I would pay $10 million for that. | ||
| This is how crazy it is. | ||
| That's very good. | ||
| She's very talented. | ||
| No, it is good. | ||
| And that's an 11-year-old girl who drew that off the top of her head. | ||
| But that's not splotches on a thing. | ||
| That's why I knew it wasn't going to be worth a lot of money. | ||
| But it's still, even that kind of sketch with the right artist is probably worth a preposterous amount of money. | ||
| Wait, how old is she? | ||
| She's 11. She might have been 10 when she made that. | ||
| She might have been 10 when she made that. | ||
| She's really talented. | ||
| I don't like how Kurt said that. | ||
| He wouldn't pay a lot of money for that. | ||
| But imagine, imagine that you, like, that splatter, show that other image before, which is probably worth like 50 million bucks. | ||
| How much is that worth? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sotheby's. | |
| How much is that worth? | ||
| Well, I know it's a lot. | ||
| This fucking guy. | ||
| Is that Ty Twombly? | ||
| He's dead! | ||
| I was trying to find his other stuff. | ||
| Oh, he's dead, that's why. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ty's dead. | ||
| What's that, 20 million, that scribble? | ||
| Oh, it's Cy, C-Y. Cy Twombly. | ||
| Yeah, look what he wrote. | ||
| Imagine making a living doing that. | ||
| My husband's an amazing artist. | ||
| Oh, wow, that's cool. | ||
| I bet you his name has a lot, because first of all, that's a very good name, Cy Twombly. | ||
| That seems like a catchy art name. | ||
| This has been explained to me by friends that are artists. | ||
| This is what happens. | ||
| When you bring your stuff to a gallery, and then a big-time collector buys it, Someone who comes in and goes, I want this, is amazing. | ||
| And this is this incredible new artist. | ||
| His name is Cy Twombly. | ||
| He's incredible. | ||
| And then this one person who's in the know decides that it's good. | ||
| And then other people start buying your stuff, too. | ||
| And then it becomes more valuable because you only have so many pieces. | ||
| And if they're big pieces, like big, huge pieces, even though it looks like dog shit, it's worth even more. | ||
| It's like, that's why that piece is worth $40 to $60 million. | ||
| It's spawned a lot of people in LA to be, or probably other places too, where I know a couple of artists, but they have no training. | ||
| They just scribble like that, but they're not going to be a... | ||
| You never know. | ||
| Well, I guess. | ||
| Imagine. | ||
| What's their name? | ||
| Do they have a cool name like Cy Twombly? | ||
| I don't want to say. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, they don't. | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| Like, it's a Cy Twombly. | ||
| Oh, it must be like a big... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If it's a Kurt Metzger, people are going to go, fuck. | ||
| It's not... | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't have the same... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Cy Twombly is an amazing scribble name. | ||
| It's not a bad scribble name. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's like, that stuff's not good. | ||
| Like, objectively. | ||
| It's got to be the last thing you buy with all your money. | ||
| I mean, you would think. | ||
| Once you have your stuff, then you go, I have so much money left. | ||
| There's people that are like these hedge fund fucks that are worth just billions and billions of dollars of nonsense money. | ||
| They're moving money around and they're making money, moving money. | ||
| And don't they have like a place, some airport where it's all... | ||
| Where they stack it? | ||
| Yeah, it was in that movie... | ||
| You know, what's the time travel movie that- Born in America? | ||
| It was in Tenet. | ||
| They rob that vault where they keep really expensive kind of paintings like Saudi princes keep. | ||
| So nobody sees them. | ||
| They're just in this vault. | ||
| I guess at some airport. | ||
| But in Tenet, I think that was a real place they were, where rich people keep their art. | ||
| Well, I imagine you have to keep everything, like, climate controlled. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Because you can't, like, get... | ||
| Because its canvas is actually cloth, right? | ||
| So if it gets too moist, it could have... | ||
| Fungus can grow on it, I would imagine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right. | |
| You said one guy had it on his yacht earlier. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But that's the Saudi royal. | ||
| I'm sure his yacht is fucking insane and probably... | ||
| All, like, environmentally controlled. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, if he's putting that $450 million painting on his yacht, I'm sure he's got his fucking... | ||
| I mean, like, let's find out what his yacht looks like. | ||
| Like, his yacht is probably worth a billion dollars. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| It's probably an island. | ||
| When you're dealing with these royals, especially the oil family royals, they have trillions of dollars. | ||
| This idea that Bezos is the richest guy in the world is a joke. | ||
| No, not a chance, yeah. | ||
| Because he's the richest public guy in the world. | ||
| These guys aren't public. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| These oil oligarchs, like, they don't have to tell. | ||
| They don't say what they have. | ||
| They don't have to tell how much money. | ||
| They own countries. | ||
| Where's the biggest skyscraper? | ||
| Dubai. | ||
| Okay, so you know that they don't have like a sewage system, so they have these trucks that have to carry all the shit out of those buildings. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, there's a line of trucks carrying the sewage out. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| There's no need for a skyscraper in Dubai. | ||
| The reason you have skyscrapers is because there's no more space around, so you build up. | ||
| They don't have sewage? | ||
| For that building, that big one, there's a line of trucks that takes- Saudi Prince's yacht and the half-a-billion-dollar painting. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| That is also the guy that was accused of killing- Right. | ||
| Jamal Khashoggi. | ||
| Jamal Khashoggi. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seems cool. | |
| He's also building a future city on some part of Saudi Arabia that's like underground. | ||
| Look at that yacht. | ||
| Sun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's a mansion. | ||
| No, not even a mansion, like multiple mansions on the water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a hotel. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a giant hotel. | ||
| Well, maybe if Jamal Khashoggi was cooler, he could have hung out on that boat instead of being dismembered. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keep his mouth shut. | |
| What is that? | ||
| How much is that yacht worth? | ||
| Does it say? | ||
| It's a super yacht. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You only got a regular yacht, bro? | ||
| No. | ||
| They sold everything together, it looks like, at least according to that. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| That yacht had the Salvador Mundi painting in it. | ||
| What? | ||
| No. | ||
| He bought it from Christie's. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| No, that's where he held his band. | ||
| That's where he has it. | ||
| Once hanging it in the Super Yacht. | ||
| Yeah, so it said like he sold it with it. | ||
| Hang on the wall, though. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| In the sea air? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| He sold it with it? | ||
| That's what I thought I was reading here. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| It was auctioned at Christie's. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Oh, the painting was? | ||
| No, the painting was auctioned at Christie's for $450 million. | ||
| The yacht is where he keeps it, but the yacht is a completely separate thing. | ||
| If a yacht came with that painting, that's pretty good. | ||
| But I think the yacht is probably cheaper than the painting. | ||
| Look at that, $330 million. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| The yacht is worth less than the fucking painting. | ||
| Wait, look, Bill Gates leases it for $5 million a week. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, that Epstein loss really hit him hard. | ||
| I don't know what I would do. | ||
| If I had all that money, I wonder what I would do with my time. | ||
| Because I feel like a lot of what I do, I'm motivated to get more money. | ||
| I mean, I do what I'm doing, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bill Gates leased it for $5 million a week. | |
| Can you imagine you're paying $20 million a month just to lease a boat? | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| It's not a good investment either. | ||
| It's like the dumbest investment. | ||
| Do you think it comes with whores? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Eventually whore is a complimentary like at a casino when you spend a lot of money. | ||
| Like drinks. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But I mean that kind of money, what does it come with? | ||
| What do you get for 20 million dollars a month? | ||
| People who will never tell your dirty secrets of the shit you do on that. | ||
| I'm amazed at how many dirty secrets they tell about Gates. | ||
| With all the money that he has? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what's true anymore. | ||
| During his divorce? | ||
| Oh, yeah, right. | ||
| They're saying he's trying to bang people at work, like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine getting hit on by Bill Gates, what that would be like? | |
| It's so strange. | ||
| What about you getting hit on by Bill Gates, a little tiny guy trying to fuck you? | ||
| I could not in good conscience turn down Bill Gates. | ||
| Would you let him fuck you? | ||
| Bill Gates? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, what do I get out of it? | ||
| Microsoft Windows for life. | ||
| I don't think I could turn that down. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| For life? | ||
| For life. | ||
| That's a very good value. | ||
| Do you even use Windows? | ||
| No, but I might want to. | ||
| It's good to have access to all the vaccines in advance. | ||
| You can try them. | ||
| You can be part of the truck. | ||
| You can try out whatever vaccine you want, dude. | ||
| Come on, bro. | ||
| Well, because you see Bill Gates, like, I guess he tried to downplay his hanging out with Epstein, but Melinda Gates blew that shit up. | ||
| Did she blew it up? | ||
| Well, supposedly when he was getting divorced, that's his refuge, just to go hang out with Epstein. | ||
| Oh, during the divorce? | ||
| That's what he did? | ||
| Yeah, that was his... | ||
| But I thought he didn't get... | ||
| I thought she filed once, like, the reality of his relationship with Epstein came out. | ||
| I think that's what happened. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| I'm pretty sure that's what happened. | ||
| Based on that? | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| You know, I'm sure a bunch of people... | ||
| I don't know if it's based on that, but it's in that same timeline. | ||
| I'm sure a bunch of people hung out with Epstein and were into of age... | ||
| Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
| Hookers, you know? | ||
| Oh, well, not just that. | ||
| They were also interested in hanging out with all the people that were hanging out with Epstein. | ||
| Yeah, he's a vector for a lot of connections. | ||
| Well, he's like brilliant scientists, and then also heads of state, and also former presidents, and then also celebrities. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Like, it was a very strange crew that he put together. | ||
| Like, you can't necessarily say, until he got arrested, you can't say that all those people knew what was going on. | ||
| Who knows what they knew? | ||
| They could have been invited to a party with this scientist and that scientist and this professor. | ||
| And they were, it turns out. | ||
| But why did they go? | ||
| I mean, the idea is like... | ||
| Did they all go because they wanted to have sex with 17-year-old girls? | ||
| Or did they all go because they wanted to be around all these brilliant people and have this party? | ||
| I'm sure it starts out being around these brilliant people, and then you loosen up, and then you have sex. | ||
| You get a couple of glasses of buffalo tracing you, and the next thing you know, you're like, how old is she really? | ||
| Yeah, don't tell me. | ||
| What states is that legal in? | ||
| Dude, you know, I love the classic Alex Jones video where he goes to Bohemian Grove. | ||
| Bohemian Grove, yeah. | ||
| With John Ronson. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Yeah, so that's where like the George H.W. Bushes have to go to do coke and fuck whores. | ||
| They have to be in like a robe ceremony because they know no one will tell. | ||
| Well, even weirder than that, the way Nixon described it. | ||
| Pull up a quote, Nixon's quote on Bohemian Grove. | ||
| Nixon said it was like a lot of gay stuff. | ||
| Like these guys were doing a bunch of gay stuff. | ||
| Like out in the open in front of everybody. | ||
| Wasn't that he was famous for not fucking around like that? | ||
| No, he was not into that. | ||
| He didn't like it. | ||
| He was a very fucking buttoned up, very repressed guy. | ||
| But then if you're a boomer, like Clinton, so the old folks go to the Bohemian Grove and the boomers go to Epstein Island and you don't understand our... | ||
| I had this explained to me by a brilliant person who is one of the smartest people I know. | ||
| And the way he described it to me, he said, there are people that have achieved an immense level of financial success and public success, and they have no way to acquire the experiences that they desire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| That's true. | ||
| And that's where a person like Epstein would come in. | ||
| It's not like poor people. | ||
| You could just fuck whores and do coke wherever the fuck you want. | ||
| You have to be in a group of other guys like you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That have as much to lose as you. | ||
| If you're Bill Clinton, who are you going to bang? | ||
| You know he wants to bang people. | ||
| So who's he banging? | ||
| He's got to bang someone he really trusts. | ||
| They have to really be able to keep their mouth shut. | ||
| Or he has to know a guy who knows people that can keep their mouth shut. | ||
| I'll probably play the video of him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure, sure, sure. | |
| Homosexuality, dope, immorally, generally. | ||
| Let's hear what he says. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jamie. | |
| Oh, this is... | ||
| We're not going to hear this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know San Francisco is just gone. | |
| It's clear or it's tight on that, but it isn't. | ||
| Let's just read it. | ||
| This audio is impossible. | ||
| So it says homosexuality, dope, immorality, general. | ||
| Those are the enemies of strong societies, Nixon said. | ||
| The upper class of San Francisco is that way. | ||
| It's not just the ratty part of town. | ||
| The upper class of San Francisco is that way. | ||
| The Bohemian Grove, which I attend from time to time... | ||
| It's the most faggy goddamn thing you could ever imagine with that San Francisco crowd. | ||
| I don't even want to shake hands with anybody from San Francisco. | ||
| Decorators, they've got to do something, but goddamn, we don't have to glorify it. | ||
| He taped that himself? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Somebody recorded it. | ||
| Oh, I thought he wanted to tape everything he was saying. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Is this from the classic Nixon tapes, or is this something else? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because the Nixon tapes, he, as far as I know, I thought he was the guy that was like, this is history. | ||
| Yeah, no, you're right. | ||
| Look, the origin is a 1971 Nixon tape, but it sounds so bad. | ||
| That's what's so baffling about the Nixon tapes. | ||
| No, no, no, but I mean, it's so bad quality. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right. | |
| Like, you barely can understand what the fuck he was saying. | ||
| Well, it's 1970. I thought it was, like, recorded, like... | ||
| Secretly. | ||
| Dude, there's a quote where he's talking about Donald Rumsfeld that I heard they used to play on like Imus' show, and it's him trashing Donald Rumsfeld. | ||
| He's a wormy little cocksucker, is he? | ||
| It's something like that. | ||
| I can't find it. | ||
| I try to find it online, but Nixon's trashing him to somebody. | ||
| It's kind of crazy if you imagine becoming that like public. | ||
| Here it goes. | ||
| President Nixon and Bob Halderman discussed Donald Rumsfeld. | ||
| Maybe that's what it is, and I'm remembering it better than it is. | ||
| A ruthless little bastard. | ||
| Oh, that's not bad. | ||
| Not bad at all. | ||
| That sounds like he's impressed with them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's accurate, too. | ||
| But it's like, if you become... | ||
| Especially, you've got to imagine when Clinton was on the come-up, right? | ||
| He's the governor of Arkansas in the 80s, or whatever it was, and then he becomes president in the 90s. | ||
| There was no internet, right? | ||
| So you're doing wild shit, and people are just covering everything up. | ||
| You're trying to bang state troopers, and you're pulling your dick out in meetings, and you're like, hey, I'm the fucking mayor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, rockstar. | ||
| That whole rockstar thing is the basis of a lot of anger now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Is that like everybody worships me and just throws pussy at me and that's what I get. | ||
| Well, like JFK. JFK was famous for being this rabid pussy monger. | ||
| Did you ever watch the Gore Vidal documentary? | ||
| Which one? | ||
| United States of Amnesia. | ||
| No, I did not. | ||
| And he talks about having a picture of JFK that he keeps to never be fooled again by his smooth talking. | ||
| No. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What's the picture? | ||
| It's just a picture of JFK. Oh. | ||
| Because JFK was like another kind of Obama guy where it's like a smooth young guy. | ||
| And United States of Amnesia is great because Gord Vidal saying stuff that applies now 100% because everybody forgets the stuff that just happened. | ||
| It's a good title for it. | ||
| But it's really interesting. | ||
| It's so bizarre to hear him talk about stuff from the 60s that now you're like, wow, he really called it in a lot of ways. | ||
| Did you ever see that documentary with Gore Vidal and William... | ||
| Yes, William F. Buckley. | ||
| William F. Buckley, yeah. | ||
| The battle of in the closet versus not in the closet. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| You think William F. Buckley was in the closet? | ||
| I mean, just watching him I think he is, but Chris Hitchens said a thing about how William F. Buckley, he kind of hinted at it slyly because he was like, you know, we would do things like, hey, you want to get a drink? | ||
| And he always seemed like he had to go off to do another thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Running away from how he's gay. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| But the impression he gives off is two queens going at each other. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Is how it looks to me. | ||
| Well, the documentary is amazing. | ||
| What is it called again? | ||
| Something about enemies? | ||
| Best of enemies? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Jamie, do you know what it is? | ||
| It's a great documentary. | ||
| And I didn't know that Gore Vidal lived in the Amalfi Coast, which is pretty fucking incredible. | ||
| Yeah, in a fucking house in Ravello in Italy. | ||
| It's one of the most amazing places ever. | ||
| My family, during the pandemic, before the pandemic rather, we used to go there every year. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| Well, he knew stuff about... | ||
| ...fucking stunning. | ||
| Do you know stuff about FDR? Best of Enemies, yeah, that's it. | ||
| It's really incredible. | ||
| So this is like debates that they aired on television during the 60s. | ||
| And, you know, I mean, you could never have this today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because it's two men, ten debates. | ||
| It says television would never be the same. | ||
| It's an amazing documentary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But that kind of shit, you can only find on podcasts now. | ||
| You would never have that level of discourse. | ||
| You could cut the sexual tension with a knife. | ||
| Frost vs. | ||
| Nixon, same thing. | ||
| What is Frost vs. | ||
| Nixon? | ||
| Oh, that's the famous... | ||
| It's the Nixon and, at the same time, it was like three days of debates. | ||
| Or it was an interview. | ||
| It was an interview. | ||
| A three-day interview, which they would never do. | ||
| By a guy who was like the Chris Hardwick of his day, who cracked Nixon. | ||
| Where Nixon goes, if the president does it, it's not a crime. | ||
| That famous thing that kind of sunk him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah, today, I mean, look at what Biden did going through running for president. | ||
| They literally hid him. | ||
| He never did any long-form interviews, never did any long-form discussions. | ||
| The Corn Pop one went bad. | ||
| That was the last one. | ||
| That was the last one they let him go. | ||
| The fact that he did that, he has this, I got hairy legs! | ||
| And the kids used to rub my legs! | ||
| How did he become president? | ||
| How is this a real thing? | ||
| Because anything but Trump, what I like is, Because that's where like Me Too kind of went down the tubes was, especially was with Tara Reid accusing him. | ||
| And like nobody, everybody like didn't believe her except I guess me and Kamala Harris. | ||
| Kamala Harris like, yeah, I believe her. | ||
| And then she bravely put aside her fears. | ||
| To become vice president. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But she does believe he did that. | ||
| That's what she said. | ||
| So he, I mean he looks like he doesn't remember anything that he did. | ||
| He probably doesn't. | ||
| I mean, you know, he's had like major brain surgery. | ||
| He had brain surgery? | ||
| No, I didn't know that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I didn't know that. | ||
| No, he's had major brain surgery. | ||
| Literally, they take the top of your head off. | ||
| They take the top of your skull off. | ||
| Well, that's how you get into your brain otherwise. | ||
| But he had like serious aneurysms. | ||
| He had multiple serious aneurysms. | ||
| Oh, I never heard that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, he's had surgery in his brain. | ||
| Pull up a Joe Biden brain surgery. | ||
| President Biden. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They scooped it, man. | |
| They scooped the top, man. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| He served several times as a senator. | ||
| During this time as a senator, he required surgery for not one but two brain aneurysms. | ||
| The first aneurysm had ruptured, putting him in a life-or-death situation. | ||
| Doctors saved his life, and the recovery from his brain surgeries is simply astonishing. | ||
| His ability to succeed at the highest levels... | ||
| Oh, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Is this from his website? | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| At that time as a senator, he didn't seem as... | ||
| I remember him always being thought of as a goofball. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| But not like now. | ||
| Now's different. | ||
| Obama had a quote. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right. | |
| Never underestimate Joe Biden's ability to fuck things up. | ||
| They called him Uncle... | ||
| Obama would be like, oh, Uncle Joe just says things. | ||
| That was how they pitched him. | ||
| He does seem like he changed, though, because he used to do that like, come on, man, but now it's just a lot of like, come on. | ||
| They coach him. | ||
| They coach him. | ||
| He's like, well, I'm not supposed to talk to anybody. | ||
| Remember, they go, well, I'll take a few questions here. | ||
| I'm not supposed to, but I'll take a few questions. | ||
| What about Afghanistan? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye. | |
| I'm not supposed to. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| The president said, I'm not supposed to. | ||
| And then that Jen Psaki lady just gets more and more bitter and more aggressive. | ||
| What a terrible job to have. | ||
| A terrible job. | ||
| Everybody that has that job. | ||
| She's under so much pressure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta just sit there and basically lie to the press. | ||
| Well, not only that, you're constantly in conflict with these people that are throwing these questions at you. | ||
| And she's developed this confrontational tone. | ||
| They all end up with that, right? | ||
| They all end up with that. | ||
| How do you not? | ||
| Because it becomes very personal. | ||
| Will she be on Dancing with the Stars when this is all? | ||
| Like Spicer? | ||
| Like Sean Spicer? | ||
| He's got like a frilly shirt. | ||
| Who's that guy? | ||
| It's almost like usually, please, I'm a person. | ||
| I'm just a person. | ||
| I'm just a regular person. | ||
| Please leave me alone. | ||
| You don't have to lie in here. | ||
| It's just a job. | ||
| I didn't want the job. | ||
| They made me take the job. | ||
| Did you ever see The Madness of King George? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| It's about when King George, I think they think he had pyphoria or something where your pee turns blue and you're demented. | ||
| Your pee turns blue? | ||
| Yeah, so he went crazy and then went back to normal, historically. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| It's like Joe Biden got better from an aneurysm. | ||
| Or Reagan, supposedly Reagan was senile the whole second term. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, there was a story about it. | ||
| Right when he got out of office, his wife told us a story about he came home from... | ||
| He would go to an office and not really do work, but he came back with his hand wet. | ||
| And she's like, what is that? | ||
| And he had this little White House from the fish tank. | ||
| And he goes, this has something to do with me. | ||
| Which was like... | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| White House from the fish tank? | ||
| So he reached in and grabbed the little fake White House from the fish tank? | ||
| He came home and showed his wife and said, this has something to do with me. | ||
| And it was not that long after he... | ||
| Wait, where did you hear that? | ||
| That's a crazy story. | ||
| I heard from the same place about that disease that makes you friendly. | ||
| No, it was from... | ||
| I think it was, I don't know, information? | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| He's holding a White House fish tank bauble. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I think this has something to do with me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This has something to do with me. | |
| Okay, sit down. | ||
| It's interesting because during his first term, he said, he was very lucid. | ||
| He said some pretty interesting shit. | ||
| He said some quotes that to this day, people still pull up. | ||
| His terrifying things is, what can your government do for you? | ||
| The government needs to get the fuck out of your way. | ||
| And then the one speech that he gave in front of the United Nations, which is like all the UFO conspiracy theory people always pull up. | ||
| It's Reagan talking in front of the United Nations about how quickly we would put aside our differences if we're faced with a threat. | ||
| That's what Watchmen's world. | ||
| Watchmen had that. | ||
| That was the Watchmen. | ||
| Yes, that's right. | ||
| That was based on his... | ||
| An enemy. | ||
| Which I just watched again recently. | ||
| It was fucking amazing. | ||
| I like that movie. | ||
| It's a great movie. | ||
| It's a great movie. | ||
| Don't you want Biden somewhere inside a sea with a second term just to see what happens? | ||
| Oh hell yeah. | ||
| Just curious. | ||
| I'm all in. | ||
| I'm all in on the fucking chaos. | ||
| I feel like the only way people are gonna really truly understand how fucked up things have gotten is if there's consequences. | ||
| And right now, I don't feel like there's real legitimate consequences for how bad the administration is. | ||
| They just wanted anybody but Trump. | ||
| And now you've got this madness. | ||
| You've got full-on madness. | ||
| And then the Afghanistan situation, and then what's going on with China. | ||
| The EV credit is so dumb. | ||
| The what credit? | ||
| Electric vehicle credit. | ||
| It's such a scam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| A huge amount of money going to electric vehicles. | ||
| You know, you get a discount. | ||
| But they've knocked out Tesla because they don't have unions. | ||
| It's all just like a union thing. | ||
| And they're giving $4,500 discount if you have a union. | ||
| That's why he didn't invite Tesla to the White House because he wanted... | ||
| He was going around... | ||
| It's just such a scam. | ||
| I'm torn on that. | ||
| Do Tesla employees say they should have a union? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I'm torn on. | |
| They're paid really well. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| That's why they're having unionized. | ||
| Because I'm not inherently for, but it seems like if a union has to form, it's because the company fucked up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm torn on it because I think unions are very important in certain situations, but I also think, wouldn't it be great if you didn't give your dues to anybody and the company just treated you really well? | ||
| And I think one of the things that was highlighted about Tesla, because someone fucked up and said something stupid about calling him a modern-day robber baron because of how much money he makes off of the stock, And they said, you don't understand that all Tesla employees are compensated with stock. | ||
| So you're a modern-day moron. | ||
| So they have a stake in the actual... | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| And so Biden's hurting the stock. | ||
| I'd say it's crashed because of this. | ||
| And it's like, he actually is hurting employees. | ||
| Does it just go back up then? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It'll go back up. | |
| It's so good. | ||
| If it goes down, you can buy it. | ||
| Do you have one? | ||
| Do you have a Tesla? | ||
| No, but Kyle does. | ||
| It's the greatest car ever made. | ||
| It's the greatest car ever made. | ||
| It's an amazing car. | ||
| No ads. | ||
| That's something on TV, like... | ||
| They knock Tesla so hard and unnecessarily, and they're, you know, Ford and GM are their, they need Ford and GM to survive, and they're gonna go bankrupt, I think. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| They'll get bailed out. | ||
| No, they're gonna have great, they have great cars, too. | ||
| Look, GM has fucking amazing cars. | ||
| I just drove a Cadillac this week and we rented it. | ||
| They're incredible. | ||
| You don't think that electric vehicles are gonna take over? | ||
| They're gonna have electric cars, too. | ||
| Yeah, but they're gonna have electric cars, too. | ||
| But they didn't transition, like, when they should've. | ||
| No, they're behind in AI. In AI, they're far behind. | ||
| Tesla's self-driving AI is the most amazing thing. | ||
| But Porsche has arguably a superior electric car. | ||
| But it's just that one. | ||
| The Porsche Taycan, it doesn't matter. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| If you talk to guys like Matt Farah from The Smoking Tire, who's like a legitimate car expert, he said it's like literally one of the greatest cars he's ever driven in his life. | ||
| He said the Porsche Taycan is insanely good. | ||
| The acceleration mirrors like the Tesla acceleration, except the new one, the Tesla Plaid is just off the charts fast. | ||
| I don't like that acceleration one bit. | ||
| Why do you hate acceleration? | ||
| No, do you hate fun? | ||
| Do you hate fun? | ||
| No. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| It's not noisy because he has a Tesla. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And so it's like there's no... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| It just accelerates. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's incredible. | |
| I love it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| And he doesn't give them away either. | ||
| I bought mine full price. | ||
| Everybody pays full price, including him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's good. | |
| Yeah, like people say, yeah, you said that because he gave you one. | ||
| Nope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He gives away his patents too, which open source patents. | |
| Yes. | ||
| I mean, he's really trying to help and I just, I hate when they say it. | ||
| You can't be without criticism when you're that big. | ||
| He's too big. | ||
| Wasn't Hyperloop not a good idea that was never going to work? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They're in Vegas. | ||
| It's on a Hyperloop. | ||
| The Hyperloop is not the tunnel, right? | ||
| That's the boring company, right? | ||
| What's the Hyperloop? | ||
| Is the Hyperloop the tunnel? | ||
| I thought that was a tunnel that didn't get made. | ||
| I think he has enough companies. | ||
| Is that the Hyperloop? | ||
| Here's what I thought the criticism of him is he promises the world and is like, well, it's not going to be that fast. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| His car goes 1.9 seconds, 0 to 60. It's insane how fast it is. | ||
| I'm not saying what I think. | ||
| I'm like, well, he made this car that's a clearly good car, but... | ||
| That's the criticism I would hear about. | ||
| Have you seen the latest AI driving demonstration? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It pauses. | ||
| It recognizes obstacles in the road. | ||
| It takes turns. | ||
| No one's touching the steering wheel at all. | ||
| And that dojo. | ||
| It keeps getting better. | ||
| It keeps getting better. | ||
| It's fucking incredible. | ||
| That UBI that Andrew Yang used to talk about, that I was like, I don't know if that could work. | ||
| I think that all these guys know the future as robots do everything. | ||
| And that's the pittance that is going to be left over. | ||
| And I think of it like an old man where I'm like, you can't just give people income, but they know what's coming. | ||
| The Dojo computer? | ||
| They just had an AI day and it's just going to be soulmate. | ||
| The Dojo computer? | ||
| Yeah, they call it Dojo. | ||
| That's their computer that learns constantly based on the input that it gets from the AI from driving. | ||
| Yeah, the neural network. | ||
| So once that's up and running, self-driving will be solved probably really quickly after that. | ||
| Do you guys smoke cigars? | ||
| Well, do you still have those blunts? | ||
| I got those too. | ||
| Yeah, that's all I want. | ||
| You want a blunt or you want a cigar? | ||
| I want a blunt because I don't know how to smoke a cigar. | ||
| I want a cigar. | ||
| You want a cigar? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I got a joint right here, so we don't have to go anywhere. | ||
| I got a joint? | ||
| Plus also, and I'll stop talking about this, but they also investigate every car crash. | ||
| And they talk about fires where there's so many more fires with combustion engines. | ||
| They're trying to trash it. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| Here's what I imagine. | ||
| I imagine Kyle's house... | ||
| Kyle, you like cigars? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I imagine Kyle's house sliding down the hill that it's on. | ||
| My house is about to slide down a hill. | ||
| His house is going to slide down a hill, and then his car is going to be plugged into the house and slide down with the house. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Ooh, look at this. | ||
| I feel really cool right now. | ||
| I just think that people are hypercritical, and I think what that guy's done is nothing short of amazing. | ||
| I mean, without him, electric cars would be a decade behind. | ||
| Yeah, and no advertising. | ||
| It's just the car's that good. | ||
| He doesn't need to do advertising. | ||
| And I can say personally, I know the man. | ||
| I've hung out with him. | ||
| He's a really genuinely nice guy. | ||
| Like, a genuinely interesting, fascinating human being who's nice. | ||
| He might be the greatest go-down, like, years later. | ||
| Once we get, like, going to Mars, he's gonna be... | ||
| If he ends up keeping his pee in jars, we'll know he was a great man. | ||
| What's wrong with keeping your pee in jars? | ||
| I got a whole bucket out back. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What do you mean about keeping the pee in jars? | ||
| You know, Howard Hughes made... | ||
| Oh, did he keep his pee in a jar? | ||
| That's like what he's... | ||
| He innovated for... | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Jamie just wants to turn this into a disco. | ||
| I was looking at the Hyperloop. | ||
| Let's do it, Jamie! | ||
| So the Hyperloop is the train. | ||
| I thought that fell apart because it wasn't possible. | ||
| It's multiple companies. | ||
| That's not just him, apparently. | ||
| 570 miles an hour. | ||
| What's to stop someone from just laying rocks in front of the train? | ||
| They'd be nervous. | ||
| Is there a way they can detect the rocks? | ||
| Did you ever take that bullet train in China? | ||
| It's enclosed? | ||
| I've only been to Taiwan. | ||
| I've never been to China. | ||
| Where's the bullet train to Vegas? | ||
| That just makes so much sense. | ||
| It's flat the whole way. | ||
| What's the problem? | ||
| Traffic every weekend. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's true, right? | ||
| I don't know what's going on. | ||
| Probably 570 miles an hour is the same as the flight. | ||
| The flight's 40 minutes. | ||
| Well, how many homeless people can you fit on it to ship out of Vegas into LA? That's the question. | ||
| You know, someone was explaining to me what's going on at the border, and I was like, there's no way this is real. | ||
| Like, the people, when they come in, illegals, they get processed, and then they just send them on buses to various parts of the country. | ||
| Like, they don't send them back across the border. | ||
| I'm like, wait a minute. | ||
| Who told you that? | ||
| I don't want to say anybody's name, but is this true? | ||
| You're asking us? | ||
| We're going to find out. | ||
| I mean, I'm saying sort of rhetorically, but is that true? | ||
| Would you be shocked if when illegal aliens cross the border from Mexico that they just put them on buses and send them around the country? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I wouldn't be shocked. | |
| There's a whole upper class of people that... | ||
| Depend on that labor, like people that they can... | ||
| It's not just that. | ||
| It can't be true. | ||
| It's too many people. | ||
| It's also the lack of voter ID. They don't want you to have voter ID. Why would you need ID to vote? | ||
| Because those are the people that let you in. | ||
| Those are the people that you're going to vote for. | ||
| And if you're an illegal immigrant, like almost university, unless you're coming from Cuba, which they oftentimes vote Republican... | ||
| They almost always vote Democrat. | ||
| Like, you're literally bringing in voters. | ||
| Like Tammany Hall. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even though they're not U.S. citizens, if there's no voter ID, it gets slippery. | ||
| Like, what does that mean? | ||
| Let me ask you this. | ||
| Why can't the government, I don't know why I'm asking you, like, you know, but, like, okay, voter ID is a problem. | ||
| Why doesn't every state have to provide you with an ID to vote? | ||
| Because you only need an ID to get a vaccination or to use your vaccination to get into a restaurant. | ||
| You don't need it for voting because it's racist. | ||
| Get it together. | ||
| I get the game of who's going to vote for me, but it seems like an easy... | ||
| I didn't understand why they couldn't just go to companies and be like, okay, who's here legally? | ||
| Rather than worry about... | ||
| Because then people would lie. | ||
| Well, I saw one time an interview with a guy, and it was somewhere in Arizona, and they did do that. | ||
| They were like, we'll just go to the companies and like, let's see who's legal. | ||
| And the town asked them to stop. | ||
| Because it was fucking up the economy. | ||
| Do you ever see a documentary, A Day With No Mexicans? | ||
| Yeah, we need them to keep... | ||
| It's a L.A. documentary. | ||
| It shows you how everything was shut down. | ||
| I don't know if you know, America, our Herbalife empire will fall apart within five minutes if we do not have illegal immigrants. | ||
| Oh, well, certainly Los Angeles would. | ||
| Los Angeles, the backbone is Mexican immigrants. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Very hardworking. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I can't remember how lazy... | ||
| I mean, it's a sign of what we were talking about before. | ||
| Things are going very well financially for this country. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For people to be able to have all this free time. | ||
| Well, also, the fucking, this bizarre, the myth of the lazy Mexican. | ||
| It's like the worst stereotype of all time. | ||
| I've heard of that, but I've never seen it, and I've never seen anybody in practice. | ||
| Like, I've heard somebody say that as like an old-timey insult, but... | ||
| It was an old-timey insult. | ||
| Everybody I know... | ||
| Okay, yeah, now it's totally the opposite, I think. | ||
| Yeah, but it's absolutely the opposite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| They're fucking hustlers. | ||
| I've heard of the seven jobs Mexican. | ||
| They're hustlers. | ||
| They're hustlers. | ||
| I mean, they come over here because they want a better life, and once they get here, they're fucking pumped. | ||
| They're ready to go. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, Home Depot, it's like, that's such a fucking hard thing to do. | ||
| You go there and you're waiting to try to do some really tough job. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, someone's going to give a shit job. | ||
| Did you ever do construction? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| I mean, I did everything. | ||
| My dad was an architect, so I did a lot of labor. | ||
| I did, you know, carpenter's assistant. | ||
| That's the ultimate 90s romantic comedy job. | ||
| An architect. | ||
| Oh, that's true. | ||
| That's like... | ||
| The Jennifer Aniston movie! | ||
| I need to meet an architect. | ||
| That was like what your dream was. | ||
| Yeah, so I was always around construction sites. | ||
| That's where I did all my summer jobs when I was in high school. | ||
| I worked construction. | ||
| Dude, I did sheetrock and some roofing. | ||
| Not a lot. | ||
| I did a lot of insulation in the summer. | ||
| It was fucking ruthless. | ||
| Ooh, yeah. | ||
| Fibers in your fucking skin when you sweat. | ||
| I worked for a guy in South Jersey. | ||
| It wasn't union. | ||
| It was his private. | ||
| You know, union's a much better construction job. | ||
| But private, it would be me I was at Art Institute at the time, and then a guy that worked at the gas station, usually, who had a metal plate in his head, and the dude hired me and him. | ||
| A metal plate in his head? | ||
| Yeah, and the two of them were like, hey, college, get this bucket! | ||
| Dude, I went to the Art Institute for two years. | ||
| That's not a good, like, college, you know. | ||
| Why'd the guy have a plate in his head? | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| It wasn't from NOM. He just wanted it in there? | ||
| No, it's just like, dude, you know what South Jersey is like? | ||
| The level of... | ||
| Or like Gloucester Township? | ||
| Yeah, South Jersey's basically Kentucky. | ||
| It's like White Camden. | ||
| Yeah, it's the woods. | ||
| It's like there's all bears down there, like near Rutgers. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| Filled with bears. | ||
| There's more black bears per capita in the state of New Jersey than any other state in the country. | ||
| Yeah, they're overrun. | ||
| And then most recently, the governor who took over after Christie campaigned. | ||
| It's one of his campaign promises to stop the bear hunts because people were hunting bears. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he wanted to stop the bear hunts. | ||
| But the problem is it's not from a biological, wildlife biology management perspective, it's not smart because there's no threat to the bear population. | ||
| So the bear population has exploded since this dipshit has been Yeah, that's the same with deer. | ||
| People don't know that deer are like... | ||
| There's actually a hunting season that you want it because you don't want them on the highway. | ||
| If you don't have that, then you have to hire snipers. | ||
| And then people come in and whack them. | ||
| I hit a deer. | ||
| I would have died if I was in a smaller... | ||
| I was luckily in a big fucking car with a huge deer. | ||
| Did you ever hear that? | ||
| Connecticut, it's so dangerous. | ||
| I mean, New Jersey, it's like at night. | ||
| At nighttime, yeah. | ||
| They're like in midair when you see them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was coming home once from a gig that I did in upstate New York, and I was living in New York, and I was coming down, I forget what road it is, like some two-lane highway, and I had to drive like 30 miles an hour because there were so many fucking deer. | ||
| They would just jump. | ||
| It was in the summertime. | ||
| And they freeze if you catch them in the lights. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'll freeze right in front of you. | ||
| They'll just run right in front of your car, man. | ||
| They don't understand what it is. | ||
| Yeah, they're built for hitting cars. | ||
| Like, they stop when you see lights. | ||
| Dude, their whole body. | ||
| Because they'll be alive. | ||
| Get up and go sometimes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They'll die. | |
| They die months afterwards. | ||
| This guy, this big deer got up. | ||
| I felt bad because I knew it was going to go die somewhere else. | ||
| Big Lexus. | ||
| Totaled. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| That was fine. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| Pretty proud of myself about that. | ||
| I think I look ridiculous smoking this, but I don't really care. | ||
| You don't. | ||
| You look good. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You look like a magnate. | ||
| All right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll take that. | |
| Guy owns a business. | ||
| I own a boat with a painting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Try to put it deeper into your throat. | |
| So I kind of like... | ||
| Try to, like, tickle the end of it. | ||
| Not only does he have a $300 million yacht, but it's got a $450 million painting in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is really... | |
| Completely way too much money. | ||
| Do you know people from, like, Dubai? | ||
| I know a bunch of, like, Dubai people, but it's so rich there that the license, the vanity plates, like, whoever has the number one, that's the top. | ||
| The man! | ||
| Yeah, like, there's nothing else to spend your money on except having the number one license plate. | ||
| So if you're, like, number six, like, you're really... | ||
| High-end in Dubai. | ||
| Do you know about Saudi summers in Los Angeles? | ||
| No, what's that? | ||
| Well, Saudi Arabia is so hot in the summer that Los Angeles in the summer is a relief. | ||
| So a lot of them would come from Saudi Arabia to Los Angeles for relief in the summer, like really, really wealthy folks. | ||
| And they would ship over their Lamborghinis and Ferraris and these crazy half-million-dollar sports cars with these Saudi Arabia license plates. | ||
| Which is totally illegal. | ||
| But they would be like consulate or whatever right on it, and they would just drive around and race down the street in Beverly Hills. | ||
| That's a time-honored tradition of car hijinks with Saudi... | ||
| That's what... | ||
| Remember Roy DeMeo, the famous, like, guy that was like a... | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, from Murder Machine, that book. | ||
| I read that book. | ||
| So his main job was cutting up cars. | ||
| By the way, I got a lot of this from the Sammy the Bull podcast. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| But yeah, it would make a great horror movie because he has stories about meeting that guy where the guy's bragging about just killing people just to kill them at this bar he has. | ||
| Yeah, he had a bar and then he would kill people upstairs. | ||
| He'd practice on people. | ||
| Yeah, I gotta keep my boy short. | ||
| But it sounds like Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but with Mafia. | ||
| That Murder Machine book is terrifying. | ||
| Yeah, so this- You read it? | ||
| I never read the book, but I know it. | ||
| But it's amazing because he was like one of those guys, it's like that much of a psycho, but he's like a great dad. | ||
| Like his son has no complaints about his dad whatsoever. | ||
| Didn't they say that about the Iceman too? | ||
| Well, the Iceman was pretty abusive, actually. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, if you read the- That movie sucks because it makes it look like- But he loves his family. | ||
| He was like a crazy abusive guy. | ||
| Well, it makes sense. | ||
| I mean, it's not pleasant to be around someone who kills like that. | ||
| Yeah, constantly. | ||
| Except Roy DeMeo, who was a great dad by all accounts. | ||
| Bizarre. | ||
| Kurt and I need advertisers for our YouTube channel. | ||
| Anybody listening there, you want to advertise on our YouTube channel? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do you... | |
| Do you guys... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you guys get any ads? | |
| We actually... | ||
| E-Forms has really stepped up, and it saved us. | ||
| E-Forms? | ||
| E-Forms. | ||
| Shout out to E-Forms. | ||
| E-Forms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| E-Forms. | ||
| It's like Sharers-Berries. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fine. | |
| It's not. | ||
| It's E-Forms. | ||
| Oh, do you do the ads as Ben Shapiro? | ||
| Actually, in the Star Trek, I did it as just Ben turns to the camera. | ||
| Does Ben get mad at you for that? | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| I hope not. | ||
| You even sound like him. | ||
| You don't know how to shift him. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| Absolutely fine. | ||
| Do you know Kyle has a mutant throat? | ||
| Oh yeah, I hurt my neck once. | ||
| I actually had an embarrassing stride. | ||
| I had a dream. | ||
| I was twisting off the top of a Coke can, and I woke up, I was twisting my own neck. | ||
| So I go to the doctor, and they took x-rays, and the doctor comes... | ||
| You know, they got an x-ray on the wall, and he's rubbing his chin, which is like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
International sign of like something I don't understand what I'm looking at. | |
| Never seen this before is what it says. | ||
| So he goes, Michael, come on in here. | ||
| Calls a doctor and I'm just sitting there. | ||
| And they're both looking and like, and I go, I think I'm dying. | ||
| I go, what's wrong? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he goes, you have the neck of a seven foot man. | |
| Anyway, I'm able to put my larynx way down and make like I can change my voice a lot because my neck is so long. | ||
| Set up straight. | ||
| Just straight. | ||
| Just don't move. | ||
| It looks so normal. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| Now that he's said it, I can see it. | ||
| Girls like guys with really long necks. | ||
| It's the number one thing they like. | ||
| Because they can reach the higher fruit on the tree. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's more evolutionary fit. | |
| Do chicks want to get fucked by giraffes? | ||
| They have horse fantasies. | ||
| Girls have horse fantasies. | ||
| They do. | ||
| They have horse fantasies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A giraffe is not that far from a horse. | |
| A giraffe is not that far from a horse. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| There's all these women. | ||
| I used to live in an equestrian community and these women that would have horses were all built the same way. | ||
| They were all built like Alex Jones. | ||
| Like, they have this, like, barrel-chested... | ||
| I didn't think you were going to say that. | ||
| I nodded like I was on board, but I... Not anymore. | ||
| Barrel-chested, sort of, like... | ||
| I don't remember that. | ||
| Like, Mongols. | ||
| Not the girls I knew. | ||
| They've given up on everything but just coming while they're riding a horse. | ||
| Because there's something about riding a horse that makes... | ||
| Some women can have orgasm when they ride the horse. | ||
| I didn't see that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Yeah, that's part of what the whole horse thing is. | ||
| I'm not saying for all ladies. | ||
| Ladies, please. | ||
| Is that why it was illegal? | ||
| Wait a minute, because you know how it was illegal for women to ride horses? | ||
| Yeah, to ride sideways. | ||
| Because they knew women were coming. | ||
| Women had a good time back in old times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, she's enjoying that ride! | |
| Yeah, she's, like, literally rubbing her clit on this saddle. | ||
| I mean, I remember, like, girls in my middle school, like, 12 years old, and they had all pictures of horses in their lockers. | ||
| Like, their boyfriend was their horse. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now girls have big dogs that don't like. | ||
| If you've got a big dog, and then it's in the bed, then you know the girls that have dog boyfriends, and they lay with it, and you're laying there, and the dog's got his balls in there. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| If it's a big dog, or a Rottweiler or something, he's a little handsome, twice the size of you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He has a human-sized dick in the bed with you. | |
| Humans, and it's always got a little jizz in the tip of it if he's not fixed. | ||
| It's twice the size of your dick. | ||
| So anyway, yeah, I did this one girl, the dog wanted to murder me. | ||
| The dog wanted to murder you? | ||
| Every time I came over, I was like, and she was so tiny, she couldn't really handle it. | ||
| What kind of dog was it? | ||
| It was like a Rottweiler-Pitbull mix. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| But I mean, Yeah, you know. | ||
| And wanted to kill you? | ||
| She was so little she couldn't really handle it. | ||
| Did you ever wake up in the bed and you thought you were spooning her, but it was the dog? | ||
| She was not a dog spooner. | ||
| It wasn't her boyfriend. | ||
| It was like a different situation. | ||
| Do you remember the lady in Connecticut that slept with her chimp and gave it Xanax? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| She slept with it? | ||
| What do you mean she slept with it? | ||
| Slept in the bed with a chimp that was the one that killed her friend or ripped her friend's face off. | ||
| Oh, I remember that. | ||
| Yeah, she gave the chimp Xanax and then her friend came over and her friend apparently was cock-blocking and the chimp's like, I'm gonna take care of this bitch. | ||
| On Xanax the chimp did all that? | ||
| The chimp was on Xanax. | ||
| I know, that's the craziest part of it. | ||
| Which is benzodiazepine, which is one of the hardest fucking things for a human being to kick. | ||
| There's two things that kill you when you kick them, benzos and alcohol. | ||
| She was feeding the chimp both of them. | ||
| She was feeding the chimp benzos and wine. | ||
| So she's feeding this chimp Xanax and wine. | ||
| The chimp's laying around with her with a fucking diaper on. | ||
| It was a 200-pound chimp because it was kind of overfed. | ||
| So it was a fat, giant, huge chimp. | ||
| And when her friend came over, she tore her friend apart. | ||
| The chimp did. | ||
| I saw a lady on Oprah. | ||
| That was the worst. | ||
| Oh, it's horrific. | ||
| They always take your face off. | ||
| It seems like that's our first move. | ||
| Fingers, they bite your fingers off. | ||
| What piece of shit got there? | ||
| I mean, this woman had no... | ||
| It's crazy what a chimp does. | ||
| It's crazy what it does to you. | ||
| They're mean. | ||
| And they know what makes you you. | ||
| It's not like a dog. | ||
| They go for face and genitals. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They bite your feet off. | ||
| They'll bite your feet off, rip your feet off. | ||
| They do wild shit. | ||
| Like, they know they're crippling you. | ||
| They'll bite your fingers off. | ||
| They'll grab your hand and bite your fingers off. | ||
| I'm trying to think of what I'd rather have bitten off. | ||
| I think a foot. | ||
| A foot rather than a hand? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I have a foot that there's like no... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Anyway, I don't want to talk about my body anymore, but like... | |
| Why do you have to talk about your body so much on this? | ||
| I'm just upset. | ||
| There's no fat on my feet. | ||
| There's no fat on your feet? | ||
| You want a fat foot? | ||
| I want a fat fat at the bottom. | ||
| What kind of dysmorphia? | ||
| Were you looking at how fat your foot is? | ||
| I went to a doctor, Kurt! | ||
| And the doctor took an x-ray and she said, you have no fat on your feet and that's why you're in pain. | ||
| And I go, okay, what are you going to do? | ||
| What kind of doctor are you going to do? | ||
| She goes, there's nothing you can do about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God! | |
| No, but... | ||
| A doctor said there's no fat on this? | ||
| Your doctor is drunk. | ||
| No, she said... | ||
| He needs fat feet, you skinny fuck! | ||
| She said there's... | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| You used to go to the doctor, they have an answer. | ||
| There's no answer. | ||
| She's like, go about your life as you get more and more in pain. | ||
| There's no answer for low-fat feet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| So explain something. | ||
| What was wrong? | ||
| Your feet were hurting? | ||
| My feet have killed me since I've been 25 years old. | ||
| How so? | ||
| Well, first they dropped. | ||
| I lost my arch. | ||
| When I was a kid, my dad would be like, make sure you take care of your feet. | ||
| My dad never complained. | ||
| Because he had a foot problem? | ||
| Yeah, that was him saying, I see what your feet are doing. | ||
| So it's a genetic thing. | ||
| Have you tried standing on a pole like a fucking parakeet? | ||
| I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do have a... | |
| I do a pole in my bedroom. | ||
| Yeah, look. | ||
| There's foot exercises you can do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They gave me a rubber band. | |
| That's like a wide rubber thing to do with exercises. | ||
| But she was like, there's nothing you can do about it. | ||
| What about jumping rope? | ||
| I do jump. | ||
| It's all very painful. | ||
| There's really nothing you can do about it. | ||
| But if you strengthen your foot, like there's a lot of specialists online that talk about foot strength. | ||
| And in fact, there's this guy, his name is Nick Kurson. | ||
| He's a very famous strength and conditioning coach. | ||
| And one of the things that he says that 90% of all athletes have in common is that they have poor foot strength. | ||
| And he said it's the one thing that he works on with all of his athletes, his foot strength, because it's so neglected. | ||
| So they do a lot of plyometrics, a lot of jumps, a lot of jumping side to side, a lot of ladder drills. | ||
| You ever seen ladder drills? | ||
| They lay this rope ladder on the ground, and you step in the ladder, out of the ladder, in the ladder, like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Those kind of things and then jumping rope can strengthen your feet. | ||
| She shouldn't know this. | ||
| She gave me nothing. | ||
| I guarantee you most doctors have no fucking idea how to make your body stronger. | ||
| They know you have a problem and they go, you got a problem. | ||
| The idea that you could try some radical physical therapy, some strength and conditioning routines that are actually going to strengthen the muscles and tendons of your feet, but that's 100% possible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, she should. | |
| You should have told me that. | ||
| But you work out. | ||
| You, I feel like, have consistently worked out your whole life, right? | ||
| I never stopped. | ||
| Yeah, that's the key. | ||
| That is the key. | ||
| I stop every now and then. | ||
| And I have this thing that I used to do where I would just go to the gym because I read if you do something for 21 days, it'll be a habit. | ||
| So I would just go to the gym. | ||
| I'd drive there, I'd walk in, and I'd leave. | ||
| I'd pick up a weight and leave. | ||
| The front desk thought I was fucking insane. | ||
| But after a while, it became a habit, and I would start to work out. | ||
| So you just decided, don't put any pressure on yourself. | ||
| Just go, and just do a little something, and that's better than nothing. | ||
| Don't you think? | ||
| And then a habit. | ||
| But anyway, now I just go, and it stopped working, and now I just go to the gym, and I pick up something heavy, and I leave. | ||
| But I gotta... | ||
| Look, guys, is it obvious that just evolutionarily speaking, Kyle is meant to stand in one spot... | ||
| And write jokes. | ||
| No, Bob into a glass of water, like this, with a top hat. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| That's so rude, but I do look like that guy. | ||
| I can see you with the hat. | ||
| Just let your head take you, the gravity, and back up again. | ||
| I'm trying to turn women on. | ||
| I have the legs of a 12-year-old girl and the neck of a 7-foot man. | ||
| You just gotta find someone who's into that. | ||
| I know, and there's someone out there. | ||
| You just need a dating website. | ||
| I don't see any... | ||
| By the way, I have no social life. | ||
| I literally do this on YouTube all day, and I don't do anything else. | ||
| Every now and then I go to a stand-up spot. | ||
| Have you heard of Prontosaurus? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Do you have a top hat? | ||
| Ah, I wish I did! | ||
| I wish I had a top hat laying around. | ||
| Look, that is... | ||
| Why does that have, like, lures in the left-hand corner? | ||
| What a weird combination. | ||
| Bobbers? | ||
| Oh, bobber. | ||
| What is that for? | ||
| Is there, like, a... | ||
| I can't believe Jamie Googled that right away. | ||
| I've already heard that. | ||
| I mean, you really brought it to life, Jamie. | ||
| You know those metal balls around the strings that people have in their office? | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Click, clack, click, clack, click. | ||
| So, how bad do you want the job, Carl? | ||
| Yeah, those are two big office days. | ||
| Did someone do that in an interview? | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| I'm just saying that people have it on their desks. | ||
| That's like a news radio that they... | ||
| It's a weird thing to have on your desk, but a lot of people would have those where you let one metal ball go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| American Psycho had that. | ||
| Did he have that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He had Gavin Newsom hair. | ||
| I used to stare at, like, I had some Asperger-y things when I was younger. | ||
| I used to stare at a kite until I'd pee my pants. | ||
| Like, those kind of things, I would... | ||
| I would stare at those things for hours. | ||
| A kite in the sky? | ||
| Yeah, I would take it, and they'd be like, to get away from me, they'd be like, let's see if it's there in the morning. | ||
| But I just would pee my pants and stare at a kite. | ||
| Back when I was younger, they did test you, you know? | ||
| Did you on most of the same? | ||
| Well, sometimes those things can be a strength, because you can concentrate on things for long periods of time. | ||
| Look at the content you guys are putting out. | ||
| I don't think you put that out if you're healthy. | ||
| No, I totally agree with you. | ||
| Kyle pees while we do it. | ||
| It's not sustainable. | ||
| Kyle edits till he pees. | ||
| He has a diaper. | ||
| It's like a dip of water. | ||
| Like that astronaut lady that went to fuck up her husband's boyfriend. | ||
| The diaper? | ||
| Did she really wear a diaper? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| No, it's a true story. | ||
| She was dating this guy. | ||
| I think maybe the guy was married, and she went to get the guy's wife, but she drove through many states through the night, took fucking amphetamines and wore a diaper. | ||
| I wish I had one now. | ||
| And then, like, Mace the lady, when the lady tried to roll her window down, she maced her. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know she actually attacked her. | ||
| Lisa Nowak, the astronaut, drove 900 miles to attack her ex's girlfriend. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| It's a crazy fucking story. | ||
| She used her astronaut bladder skills. | ||
| She wore diapers to avoid bathroom breaks. | ||
| Her actions inspired the 2019 movie Lucy in the Sky. | ||
| I didn't know about that movie. | ||
| I didn't know, yeah. | ||
| Maybe you need to watch that movie. | ||
| Send me a link to the movie, please. | ||
| Let's watch the whole thing right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Require reading. | |
| I need to watch something. | ||
| That does sound interesting. | ||
| I have to go to the bathroom right now. | ||
| Go, go, go. | ||
| I'm afraid to leave, though, because you guys want to talk about my body. | ||
| Kyle! | ||
| Well, now we are. | ||
| Listen! | ||
| Don't stay in one place until you pee. | ||
| That's the lesson of life. | ||
| Go pee. | ||
| Yeah, go pee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You guys have fun. | |
| Okay. | ||
| We'll be right back. | ||
| We're having fun with you. | ||
| You're bringing your phone. | ||
| You must have to take a shit. | ||
| This is the movie? | ||
| Yeah, there's notable actors and whatnot in it. | ||
| Who's in it? | ||
| Jon Hamm. | ||
| Natalie Portman plays the main girl. | ||
| This is 2019? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, see, here's the thing, and no one wants to admit this, but that lady, that crazy astronaut lady who did that was probably amazing in the sack. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's like a trip to space. | ||
| You'd be that amazed. | ||
| The kind of person that's willing to drive 900 miles wearing a diaper to confront her exes. | ||
| It's pretty hot, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's kind of, in some ways, it's kind of hot. | ||
| Like, she's probably wild. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| Astronaut lady. | ||
| She was probably a freak. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| I'm just guessing. | ||
| Do you know what somebody told me once? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| The greatest lover of all time was Michael Phelps, the Olympic swimmer. | ||
| He's so tall and such an athlete, he probably has a giant hog, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right. | |
| He seems like one of those guys that would have just a hammer. | ||
| Like a whale-sized hammer. | ||
| Just look at him. | ||
| Big, long guy. | ||
| a tells joke about him that he's the obvious product of a dolphin rape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The greatest thing is that dolphins do that. | |
| You go, ladies, would you fuck Michael Phelps? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they go, no. | |
| Yes, you would if you were drowning You remember when someone outed him at a party for smoking a bong I That was crazy! | ||
| What a piece of shit that kid was. | ||
| Proving that winners do use drugs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| I mean, the guy won eight fucking gold medals. | ||
| And you're like, yeah, yeah, but what about the pot? | ||
| The only thing I could compare it to is the ivermectin misinformation. | ||
| Well, the person who did it, like, first of all, they were probably just clout chasing, right? | ||
| But this was, like, so early on. | ||
| This wasn't even a social media thing, was it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was, yeah. | ||
| 2009. 2009? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, okay, I guess there was Twitter back then. | ||
| Well, there's also, like, gossip blogs. | ||
| It was also Britney Spears thought, because Britney Spears... | ||
| He's back. | ||
| He didn't have his shit. | ||
| Do you think she will fall to the Taliban now that her father is pulled out of the... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Close that. | ||
| Close the other door. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I don't know what to think about that. | ||
| I've been saying this. | ||
| If that was Lil Wayne, and Lil Wayne was going crazy, spending all his money, and putting diamonds in his forehead, was that Lil Vert? | ||
| Was that guy that did that with the diamond? | ||
| What do you mean, put diamonds in his forehead? | ||
| Dude had a giant diamond inserted into his forehead, and then someone stole it. | ||
| Wait, wait. | ||
| Yeah, someone grabbed it, ripped it out of his head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on, wait a minute. | |
| You don't know about this? | ||
| No, there's a new one now. | ||
| He's got a new one? | ||
| There's a new rapper that has gold chains surgically implanted into his head. | ||
| He did it before he beat somebody doing it. | ||
| And someone stole it and pulled it out of his fucking head. | ||
| Like Thanos, they pulled the thing out of his fucking head. | ||
| So this guy has these gold chains inserted into his head? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's going to hurt. | |
| Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| He'd be screwed in there. | ||
| What is the... | ||
| Another connection. | ||
| What is he doing with his teeth? | ||
| Wait, who's this? | ||
| So these are metal teeth, too. | ||
| He's got metal teeth. | ||
| This is a kid. | ||
| Wow, really a cyberpunk. | ||
| He's brushing his metal teeth. | ||
| But this... | ||
| I want to know how he got those inserted in his head, the gold chains. | ||
| They can do that plug shape. | ||
| That's a cool look. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| I'm thinking about going that way. | ||
| Isn't that a guy that had snap on hair? | ||
| Is that... | ||
| I'm bald. | ||
| I can't wear a toupee, but I could wear that. | ||
| I'm thinking about wearing gold chains. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| That'd be amazing. | ||
| Imagine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Imagine. | |
| Just... | ||
| Not gold chains, but just gold studs. | ||
| That's a really bad idea, though. | ||
| Like beads, gold beads. | ||
| That's a very yankable thing. | ||
| Look, he's got the neck thing where his neck is going to grow. | ||
| Are you saying that's not removable? | ||
| He's going to have a giraffe neck? | ||
| Yeah, he's going to have a giraffe neck. | ||
| Kyle wore coils around his neck as a child. | ||
| It's actually very regal to have a long neck, by the way. | ||
| It's very royal. | ||
| Like a seven foot tall guy's neck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| He underwent surgery in April, allowing him to hang dozens of chains from his head. | ||
| I had it as a hook that's implanted in my head, and that hook has hooks, so they're all hooked in my skull under my skin, he said in a viral clip. | ||
| This is my hair, golden hair, the first rapper to have gold hair implanted in human history. | ||
| The word hair and a hook is said so many times. | ||
| Jamie, please see if there's like detailed images that depict the surgery and the subsequent bleeding. | ||
| Trump did it first, dude. | ||
| Imagine that, though. | ||
| These fucking kids are very innovative. | ||
| That's like cyberpunk shit, dude. | ||
| It's pretty wild. | ||
| I'm impressed. | ||
| waste of money. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| You like that? | ||
| No, a $40 million stupid fucking painting is a waste of money. | ||
| If you had gold chains implanted into your head, how fucking cool would that look? | ||
| I'm thinking of doing something radical like that. | ||
| Or get that clown hair. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Why don't you get clown hair? | ||
| You and I, Kurt, we're bald. | ||
| Let's get something funky. | ||
| I'm basically bald. | ||
| No, you're doing way better. | ||
| Is this a privileged piece of shit? | ||
| Yeah, shut the fuck up about this. | ||
| I'd love to have that salad on my head. | ||
| I don't know what I searched for on Instagram, right? | ||
| But you know how you search something and then the algorithm shows you all these things now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe I clicked on one that I saw in the search, just taking a shit one day, bored. | ||
| But there is a whole movement of guys gluing wigs to their head. | ||
| No, they're Oh, yes, there is. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Wait, what do you mean, gluing it? | ||
| Like, ball guys, it's like, all the ones that I get are from other countries. | ||
| Do they take it off sometimes? | ||
| I don't know, but they show a guy, like, looking like this, like, mm-hmm. | ||
| And then the guy, like, squirts the glue on the head and puts his crazy wig, and then the guy's like, ah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like... | |
| Why does he do that? | ||
| Because this guy does this. | ||
| This is his move. | ||
| I'm gonna show you. | ||
| I'm gonna show you. | ||
| I'm gonna send this to Jamie because I don't know. | ||
| You know how you get on an algorithm and then the algorithm just sends you, bam, immediately I get to one. | ||
| It's pretty great because YouTube does that too where you just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that it? | |
| Glue? | ||
| I'll find you one. | ||
| His shirt says superior. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| I got one on the screen. | ||
| Oh, there's one of them. | ||
| Yeah, there's a ton of these guys. | ||
| Oh my god, that looks like Mexican me. | ||
| There's so many of these guys. | ||
| But this, for whatever reason, I don't know what country it is. | ||
| Yeah, they look sad. | ||
| What's this guy? | ||
| Oh, I'm fucking sad. | ||
| I ain't got no hair. | ||
| And then this guy comes along and glues down this. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Hey, watch this. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| Look at my fucking hair now. | ||
| See? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But they'll show the process. | ||
| Like, I'm so sad. | ||
| That's pretty amazing. | ||
| Any man can have lesbian hair now. | ||
| That is the times. | ||
| But the thing is, though, you're gluing it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| How do you get that off? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's rough. | |
| Yeah, I've seen this. | ||
| It's really rough. | ||
| It does look good. | ||
| It looks fucking good. | ||
| It looks fucking amazing. | ||
| That looks fucking good. | ||
| But the thing is, I feel like it would look good for a day. | ||
| Dude, who's the guy from fucking... | ||
| How heavy would your head be with chains on it? | ||
| Joel McHale. | ||
| Joel McHale. | ||
| I met him in person. | ||
| Because you remember where he came from, right? | ||
| The Burger King commercials? | ||
| I do not remember the Burger King commercial. | ||
| Yeah, before all that, he was a guy who was going bald in Burger King commercials. | ||
| It was like copying the success of The Office, and it would be like, I thought I told you a Whopper. | ||
| And then he had an amazing Dragon Ball Z hair. | ||
| He does have great hair. | ||
| Dude, and I asked him point blank, because I would be like, what do you do to hold your hair? | ||
| I immediately will ask somebody that. | ||
| Okay, so this is back in the Dizay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow, Jamie's good. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So that's right when I was at that hair loss, I asked him, what does he do to hold his hair in? | ||
| He didn't tell me. | ||
| He wouldn't tell you, huh? | ||
| He probably had great... | ||
| Gotta keep it tight. | ||
| Those are good plots. | ||
| Loose lips sink ships, and you got loose lips, pal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do, you do. | |
| I do loose lips. | ||
| If I could help people that... | ||
| To have Joel McHale hair, I would feel it was my duty to do that. | ||
| This is off topic. | ||
| Have you seen the cat at the football game? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Yes! | ||
| They caught the cat with the flag? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The cat was hanging from a... | ||
| Like, the cat was... | ||
| You gotta see this. | ||
| It looked like a feral cat was at a football game and got stuck on a rafter and was like hanging. | ||
| Yeah, look at this. | ||
| Look, hanging. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Over the top. | ||
| This isn't even the good angle. | ||
| This calf falls really far. | ||
| I mean, this guy's reaching, trying to get it. | ||
| And so these people... | ||
| No, it is a good angle because underneath it you see how they catch it. | ||
| And so, this is in Miami. | ||
| It's a very far drop. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But watch how the cat drops and they catch him with a flag. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| See? | ||
| They got him with a flag. | ||
| American flag. | ||
| I didn't see him catch him. | ||
| And then they're holding the cat up. | ||
| Yay! | ||
| I hope that was like a house cat. | ||
| I just imagine people going, should we bring our cat to the football game? | ||
| Like, I don't know. | ||
| I think I'll like it. | ||
| Imagine the cat freaking the fuck out, all these people screaming. | ||
| The cat's very calm right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, the cat attacks that guy. | |
| There's no thank you. | ||
| The cat doesn't understand what's going on. | ||
| No, he's totally confused. | ||
| When you guys sit down to write, what is the process? | ||
| I'll tell ya, because I think we do a very, our process is better than how they do it with other shows, because, you know, you'll write a script, and then they'll lock in the script, and you're in a room, and they'll go shoot it, and you're locked into that script, basically. | ||
| But what we'll do is, like, we'll have an idea, and I'll shoot, like, a real rough, and we'll look at it. | ||
| And go, that doesn't work. | ||
| Because once you perform it, it changes a lot of the time. | ||
| So it's painstaking, but we'll reshoot things a few times to get it right. | ||
| Which you can't do when you're doing expensive. | ||
| I just shoot in my room with a green screen. | ||
| What is the process? | ||
| Do you have a premise that you guys discuss together? | ||
| We bullshit about something on the phone. | ||
| Or Zoom, and we'll laugh. | ||
| We've cried laugh sometimes. | ||
| I mean, it's been great. | ||
| I mean, Kurt's also a friend of mine, and it's just so fun to cry laugh writing sometimes. | ||
| Stuff that sometimes doesn't make the stuff we're doing, but once we get on something, we'll... | ||
| I remember when you guys were gonna do a show for Comedy Central, and I was happy and sad at the same time. | ||
| I was happy for you, but I was like, they're gonna fuck it up. | ||
| And then when they wouldn't do the Caitlyn Jenner fucking Donald Trump one, when you showed it to me, I remember we were in the green room of the main room in the Comedy Store, and you showed me the video on your phone. | ||
| And I'm tearing. | ||
| I can't breathe. | ||
| I'm crying. | ||
| I'm like, oh my god. | ||
| And you're like, they won't do this. | ||
| They won't use it. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| They wouldn't do it. | ||
| It was offensive. | ||
| You couldn't have Caitlyn Jenner and Donald Trump. | ||
| You had to already have been South Park for 20 years. | ||
| They're just so scared of anything controversial, which is one of the core tenets of comedy. | ||
| Like, controversial things. | ||
| By the way, I do not care for that one bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jane, you ignorant slut. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's been from the beginning of time. | ||
| Luckily, YouTube, we can do that. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I am glad, too, in a way that it didn't get picked up. | ||
| Because it... | ||
| Really, I'm repeating what you're saying, but you want to be on some kind of edge in order to have a really big laugh a lot of times. | ||
| And we're not trying to be offensive to anybody. | ||
| I don't want to hurt any of these feelings, but it's... | ||
| You're just going for the most funny thing to say. | ||
| Yeah, trying to get a belly laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Give people a belly laugh is the greatest thing. | ||
| You're getting the biggest laughs you can out of those such as. | ||
| See, the great thing is... | ||
| Kyle doesn't know anything about fucking politics. | ||
| This is the best part. | ||
| It's like if some kid you knew had a playset of cool toys to play with, because he does all these voices. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So that's all it is, is taking a... | ||
| You know, there's no reason Ben Shapiro would be with Joe Biden as his butler. | ||
| It's just he does the impression. | ||
| So, you know, like, you don't really have to be political to like it. | ||
| The thing that's funny is people get mad. | ||
| He really offends both sides. | ||
| Yeah, I do get both. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some people are genuinely mad. | ||
| When Trump was president, I really got a lot of hate, but I just tried to- Stormy! | ||
| He has my favorite impression of Trump. | ||
| Stormy. | ||
| It's not very good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's great. | |
| Trump is great because the image that you use for the face swap is Trump at his most fucked up. | ||
| It looks like he's hungover. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I was saved by, I was actually in a writer's room and I was miserable. | ||
| It's a great job. | ||
| I shouldn't complain, but I just wanted to perform. | ||
| And so I started doing face swaps of the writers in the room. | ||
| And that's how I started doing it. | ||
| And then when I found the Trump one, I did an impression of him for years, but I looked the opposite of him. | ||
| Like every feature of my face is different than Trump's. | ||
| And I was like, oh, I could do Trump. | ||
| So I started doing videos of Trump. | ||
| And then luckily you found it. | ||
| Face swap is the shit. | ||
| And the thing about your face swap as opposed to the face swap that like Dr. Fakenstein and those... | ||
| The good ones aren't as funny, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's so good. | ||
| His stuff... | ||
| Like, that was also a problem with the Comedy Central thing. | ||
| It's like, it was so good, it lost some of the hilarity. | ||
| It drains it, dude. | ||
| If it's too good... | ||
| The face swap is like a caricature, okay? | ||
| And the best impressions... | ||
| Did you ever see the Will Ferrell where he's Bush for one night only? | ||
| It's like a one-man show where he's George Bush. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| His George W. Bush isn't that accurate. | ||
| It's like Will Ferrell being him. | ||
| So having that... | ||
| When you have it, it looks perfect, like the digital fake. | ||
| It draws attention to how much you're not really... | ||
| The guy. | ||
| The caricature one makes it funny because it's like, it does something. | ||
| Well, it brings it into the cartoon realm. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like the South Park. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like South Park is so, it's so not a human being. | ||
| It's so obviously not a human being that Kenny can die every week and no one cares. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's not uncanny like, what do they call it, the uncanny valley? | ||
| Yeah, the uncanny valley. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yours are so obviously fake that it's fucking, it's It's perfect. | ||
| It's my favorite thing to watch, and I'm not bullshitting. | ||
| You have my favorite comedy show that I watch. | ||
| When you have a new video out, I fucking share it with everybody. | ||
| I get so excited. | ||
| He had it before I got there. | ||
| He had pussies and shit. | ||
| He did that before I was there. | ||
| And Catty Daddy with Annie. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh my god, that is funny. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| How'd you come up with Caddy when he throws his glasses down? | ||
| I was actually in my car with Annie, and I was like, that's so bad. | ||
| I was just being, like, caddy about it. | ||
| He's just a caddy guy. | ||
| He loves Russian pussy. | ||
| And when you guys do pussies. | ||
| Yeah, and pussies, I remember Kurt coming up to me and being like, oh, I could add to that pussies thing. | ||
| And I really at first was like, there's no way Kurt can play, like, a soft man. | ||
| In my mind. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| But he does an amazing, soft, it's actually disgusting. | ||
| His mic is gross. | ||
| Yeah, it is repulsive watching pussies. | ||
| Yeah, and pussies, he has such a knowledge of that culture and the words. | ||
| I don't know shit about all that stuff. | ||
| He has to tell me, like, you can't say that. | ||
| That's a fan. | ||
| He actually puts me in charge. | ||
| Kyle's much older than me. | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you remember that video where these men are apologizing to women? | ||
| Do you remember the video? | ||
| And then Will Smith, or Will Ferrell rather, made a mockery of it. | ||
| Like, it was called Dear Women. | ||
| It was called Dear Women. | ||
| And it was these guys that were apologizing. | ||
| You know, to women for all the bad men throughout history. | ||
| Do you remember that video? | ||
| I think I have a different one. | ||
| There's a gamer, there's a bunch of gamers apologizing to it. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| No, that's not what that is. | ||
| Dear women. | ||
| This is, no, no, but this is the Will Ferrell one. | ||
| Try to find the original one, because the original one is so gross. | ||
| That's it right there. | ||
| Go down. | ||
| It's a mix. | ||
| It was a playlist. | ||
| Yeah, but just show the original one. | ||
| Not Will Ferrell. | ||
| Just say Dear Woman Video. | ||
| 2011? | ||
| Yeah, the original video is these guys that just decided they're going to get some social clout by apologizing for all the bad men ever. | ||
| And all you think of when you watch these guys is like, these guys are secret creeps. | ||
| You should assume they're serial killers. | ||
| You're assuming, for sure, that women don't like them. | ||
| So they've figured out, like, this is my hook. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like, male feminists. | ||
| Like, you always assume. | ||
| Like, this is your last Hail Mary. | ||
| You're trying to get some person. | ||
| I assume you have... | ||
| Last chance. | ||
| You know what I assume it is? | ||
| You're in a Jamie Kilstein at his height of that relationship You had Jamie on, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Where he talks about his trying to please somebody that doesn't love it. | ||
| It's the saddest fucking thing you've ever seen. | ||
| You brought this up to me about religion. | ||
| There's a little bit of a flogging aspect to it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Self-flagellating. | ||
| There's a sexual weird... | ||
| I'm bad. | ||
| I know I'm the worst. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, hit me again. | ||
| I apologize for all of you. | ||
| Have you found the original? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| The original link has been taken down. | ||
| How would they take it down? | ||
| It's the internet. | ||
| Well, I mean, so the link... | ||
| Dear Woman, right there. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| That's the welfare. | ||
| Conscious Men. | ||
| Oh, is it? | ||
| It says uploaded by Funny or Die. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I'll bet Conscious Men was actually like a woman trafficking organization that was like luring in. | ||
| But there was a real... | ||
| That's the guys. | ||
| Look at these guys. | ||
| Look at them, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at them, too. | |
| Oh, I remember that, too, when that came out. | ||
| There's got to be a video in there. | ||
| There's no video in that article. | ||
| Again, it's linking to the original video. | ||
| That original video is gone now, so I'm trying to find someone that has re-uploaded it by searching for Conscious Men, because that's their group. | ||
| Oh, that's what they call themselves? | ||
| Dear Video by Conscious Men. | ||
| Is that it right there? | ||
| No, that's still the Will Ferrell one. | ||
| No, the one below it in the Facebook link. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| I think that's it. | ||
| Yeah, this is it. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| Yep, this is it. | ||
| Give me some volume. | ||
| Just Spanish subtitles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
becoming more conscious in every way. | |
| We feel deep love, great respect, and a growing sense of worship for the gifts of the feminine. | ||
| We also feel deep sorrow about the destructive actions of the unconscious masculine in the past and present. | ||
| We want to apologize and make amends for those actions today so that we can move forward together into a new era of co-creation. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's a trap. | ||
| Don't go. | ||
| My genitals just went up my body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So psycho. | |
| So psycho. | ||
| I know that we all have access to a full spectrum. | ||
| I also have a growing awareness of a dimension beyond all dualities. | ||
| This shit works by the way! | ||
| I know that in order to truly honor you as a multi-dimensional woman, I must stand fully present with myself and own the gifts I have to show. | ||
| That's the guy with the buffalo helmet on who broke into the Capitol. | ||
| Looks like that Jesus painting. | ||
| That's him without the makeup on his face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great miracles together. | |
| By nurturing each other in a conscious way. | ||
| All serial killers. | ||
| Yeah, he's got dead moments in his basement. | ||
| They have dead eyes all alone. | ||
| They have worshipping the divinity expressed in the masculine and the feminine energies. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
As men, our relationship to the feminine is often been unconscious. | |
| I feel sorrow that women and feminine energy have for so long been subjugated and oppressed. | ||
| Throughout history, men have raped and abused you. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| That's a woman burning alive? | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, okay. | |
| We get it. | ||
| We get it. | ||
| That's what we do. | ||
| Burning women. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| That was a real video. | ||
| Those guys were like, I know how to solve this. | ||
| No one... | ||
| I think they probably thought they'd get some... | ||
| They definitely did, and they probably got together and go, guys, this is the one. | ||
| Wait, so what did Will Ferrell do? | ||
| Will Ferrell did a hilarious take on it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Their take on it was fucking genius. | ||
| Oh, that dude's funny. | ||
| Yeah, they spoofed it. | ||
| And then he, like, fired back... | ||
| I should say he clapped back at Will, because that's the thing they say. | ||
| They still say clap back? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He clapped back. | ||
| Conscious men clapped back at Will Ferrell. | ||
| By the way, that's the one appropriation that's totally cool, taking all black transgender things. | ||
| Clapping back? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See if you can find the Will Ferrell one, play the Will Ferrell one, because the Will Ferrell one was genius. | ||
| But yeah, again, they would never do that today. | ||
| I just want to know so much more. | ||
| It seemed like that was a cult. | ||
| There's something else going on with all of them. | ||
| Are they part of a cult? | ||
| Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
| It looks like a front group. | ||
| There's a lot of other dimensions. | ||
| Let's watch the movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dear woman, we stand before you today as men committed to becoming more conscious in every way. | |
| We feel deep love, great respect, and a growing sense of worship for the gifts of the feminine. | ||
| They don't have to change the words! | ||
|
unidentified
|
We also feel deep sorrow about the destructive actions of the unconscious masculine in the past and present. | |
| We want to apologize and make amends for those actions in order to bring forth a new era of co-creation with you. | ||
| As I become more conscious, I grow more aware of the play of masculine and feminine history within you and in all of life. | ||
| Free and open like the sky. | ||
| I commit to owning and stewarding a masculinity that honors and celebrates us as equals. | ||
| We can create great miracles together by nurturing each other in a conscious way. | ||
| By the way, none of us would dare do this joke now. | ||
| None of them would. | ||
| Not one guy in this? | ||
| This is fucking hilarious. | ||
| Not one of them would be in a thing like that now. | ||
| That's only ten years ago. | ||
| Not one. | ||
| It's only ten years ago. | ||
| Imagine how much has changed since social media and the advent of the social justice warrior. | ||
| We mocked them? | ||
| But they have had a significant impact just out of straight fear. | ||
| They won. | ||
| They won a large battle. | ||
| I mean, Bill Burr's still out there swinging for the fastest. | ||
| There's a lot of guys who are out there. | ||
| You know, they won like Foghorn Leghorn won in those Looney Tunes where he'd fight with the other chicken for that big glasses chicken. | ||
| And he'd be like, what did I win? | ||
| That's what they want. | ||
| Burr was on stage last night in Madison Square Garden, and he does this bit. | ||
| He's doing this bit about how women should get paid less for sports because less people pay to see them. | ||
| And Segura told me that some woman freaked out like, and he said the way he described it, it was like an animal had gotten a hold of her. | ||
| She was screaming and wailing at him, just screaming at the top of her lungs. | ||
| And Bill just went, Full savage mode at her. | ||
| But it's like he's setting up a bit and she will not allow it. | ||
| She will not allow this bit. | ||
| At the cellar, I had a joke. | ||
| I ended up doing my hour. | ||
| I had a joke where I said I'm against gay marriage. | ||
| It was back when it was a thing. | ||
| Which was ultimately a pro-gay marriage joke. | ||
| It's just the hook of the beginning is I'm against it. | ||
| So I'm doing that joke. | ||
| Some girl just grabs up. | ||
| She grabs another table and The guy's drink and throws it on me. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And they're going to throw it out like, wait, wait, why did she do that? | ||
| She goes, you're against gay marriage. | ||
| She didn't need to hear anything more than that. | ||
| Well, the people have conflated jokes and bits with your actual thoughts and feelings on things. | ||
| Like, no, this is a comedy show. | ||
| It's like when you go to see a Quentin Tarantino movie, Brad Pitt's not really smashing a woman's face off the mantelpiece. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| This is fiction. | ||
| And with jokes, you're obviously, I can't believe I have to explain this, you're obviously setting something up. | ||
| I had this woman do this to me at the store. | ||
| You do have to explain this, actually. | ||
| This woman at the store. | ||
| I was at the store, and I used to have this bit about, there was a guy who broke into the White House. | ||
| And when he broke into the White House, there was a woman guarding the front door of the White House with no gun. | ||
| One lady at the door, by herself, unlocked door, no gun. | ||
| And this guy just broke through. | ||
| Who was president? | ||
| Obama. | ||
| So during this bit, I say that, you know, people say that women can do everything men can do, right? | ||
| I go, well, that's not true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because men can't... | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then she fucking screamed, bullshit, fuck you! | |
| I go, hope, please. | ||
| I go, hope, please. | ||
| I go, I've got more. | ||
| See, men can't do everything men can do. | ||
| That's why we have the Olympics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| I go, you know, this whole thing about, like, I say, if Shaquille O'Neal is guarding the White House, I'm like, I'm not getting in. | ||
| Like, if the White House, or I say, if the White House is experiencing a Shaq attack and I'm guarding the White House, I go, yeah. | ||
| Because I met Shaquille O'Neal, and his dick is where my face is. | ||
| I keep trying to explain to this lady while I'm doing the bit. | ||
| And she keeps chiming, and eventually they kick her out. | ||
| But I'm like, Jesus fucking Christ, lady. | ||
| There's a bit, and I get shit on in the bit. | ||
| But it doesn't matter, dude. | ||
| It didn't matter. | ||
| Listen, if you're already a Mancurian candidate, Mancurian candidate programmed, Whatever the word is, you already hit the code word. | ||
| Well, apparently she worked at a studio, too. | ||
| She was like a studio exec, and she was drunk in the first row. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Like, heckling, stopping the bit. | ||
| I go, you're not even listening. | ||
| I go, this is the bit. | ||
| That's every job at the club, if you're the bouncer or the bartender, is dealing with drunks. | ||
| That's the main industry of stand-up, is just dealing with drunks. | ||
| Well, some of them, but this desire to jump in in the middle of a bit if you don't like the setup. | ||
| You don't even know where it's going. | ||
| The whole idea is, how is this woman going to be able to... | ||
| If Mike Tyson is trying to break into the White House, you need multiple male armed guards to stop that from happening. | ||
| You can't have a lady with no gun. | ||
| And some fucking crazy dude ran all the way across the lawn. | ||
| Apparently, the guy that has the dog wasn't paying attention. | ||
| He took his headset off because there's people with dogs. | ||
| They're supposed to let them loose if someone... | ||
| It was a clusterfuck of errors. | ||
| And the whole bit is about how this guy is running, probably on a suicide run. | ||
| Because this guy had been arrested just outside the White House with, like, guns and a hatchet and, like, a trunk filled with ammo. | ||
| They had arrested him, like, two weeks prior. | ||
| Why was that not... | ||
| That seems like... | ||
| That was a big story. | ||
| It was a big story. | ||
| Well, I don't remember it at all. | ||
| It was a big story. | ||
| So I tried to set this bid up saying that, look, I've met Shaquille O'Neal and his dick is where my face is. | ||
| I'm like, if I'm guarding the White House and the White House is experiencing a Shaq attack, we're fucked. | ||
| The country's doomed. | ||
| He's going to get in. | ||
| Could you at least stop his dick, the part that is eye-level? | ||
| Yeah, could you just stop his dick? | ||
| I don't even think I could. | ||
| But the idea is that it's a physical thing. | ||
| Like, the idea that a woman, a frail woman, should be able to guard the White House without a gun is preposterous. | ||
| I mean, that's the plot of a lot of movies. | ||
| But the idea that these people sit there and wait for you to say something that may or may not be a green light that they can step in and correct you on. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Fucking infuriatingly stupid. | ||
| I think it benefits us a little bit, because not many people can do, definitely not networks. | ||
| All in the Family was a good example of, Archie Bunker was the idiot. | ||
| And you have a nuanced humor, and people laughed at him, and it kind of eased racial tension, because everyone's like, the whole country's laughing, this idiot racist. | ||
| And you can't do that anymore, because people, like you're saying, can't get through the front, can't go any layer deeper than... | ||
| No room for humor. | ||
| Do you remember Bruce Smirnoff? | ||
| Did you know him from the comic strip? | ||
| Do you remember his story getting fired off of Archie's Place? | ||
| What was Archie's Place, another sitcom? | ||
| It was when Archie, Edith was dead, and he had like an... | ||
| Was the actress still alive and didn't want to do it? | ||
| That would be even sadder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to do it! | |
| My contract sucks! | ||
| Just do the show. | ||
| Yeah, so I guess Bruce stepped on Carol O'Connor's lines. | ||
| And he wanted him to fly, right? | ||
| But his manager didn't have the heart to tell him. | ||
| So Bruce just went to work the next day. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| That happened to me, actually. | ||
| Yeah, everybody's being weird to him. | ||
| And he's like, got the crafty getting a bagel or something. | ||
| And someone walks up with a... | ||
| Because there's no... | ||
| It's all corded. | ||
| So he brings a phone with a super long cord and walks it up to him. | ||
| Everybody's just staring at him, and he has to answer the phone, and his manager's like, listen, I meant to tell you that you're fired from this show. | ||
| He's like, uh-huh, uh-huh. | ||
| What a shitty manager. | ||
| I auditioned for this thing. | ||
| It was like four auditions to get this, it was like a part, it was six episodes on some NBC show. | ||
| And so I go in there, and right before the big table read, they have a table read for the network, you know, and I sit down and go, you have some new lines. | ||
| And I'm like, fuck, because I cannot read cold. | ||
| I'm a very poor reader. | ||
| I've been to schools. | ||
| Dude, that's the crazy thing. | ||
| Dyslexia, you could go into making great sketches or be Sammy the Bull. | ||
| Yes, both don't require. | ||
| Dyslexia? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, it looks like a lot of the mafia was a program for young Italians with dyslexia. | ||
| I didn't even test back then. | ||
| I went to a nun. | ||
| Tell me what happened. | ||
| So I sit down. | ||
| I'm like, oh, fuck. | ||
| And everyone's getting, like, killer laughs, you know? | ||
| And it gets to me, and I'm like, the store is closing at... | ||
|
unidentified
|
At five o'clock. | |
| And then the whole room was just like dead. | ||
| I got, I left and I was like, oh, that didn't go well. | ||
| I'm probably gonna fire. | ||
| But I came back the next day and the casting director like stopped me. | ||
| And I was going to Iraq like a week later. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she's like, but have fun in Iraq. | |
| And then my agent dropped me. | ||
| But then Joe Rogan found my videos. | ||
| That was what happened here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| The thing is, you can't tell them, hey, I need time to go over this. | ||
| You can't just give it to me cold. | ||
| I should have said that. | ||
| When I was younger, they didn't really test for... | ||
| You were just a dumb person if you couldn't read fast. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So they brought me these nuns. | ||
| I mean, also now. | ||
| The machine would project on the wall sentences at a certain speed. | ||
| And I had to drive an hour and a half to go to this. | ||
| None, and she was like, tested me on level one, and she saw I was upset, and she goes, by the end of the summer, you'll be on level 10. So the whole summer I worked and drove there, and then we did the test at the end of the summer, and I was on level one. | ||
| And her faith in God, like, you just saw it fall off her, she just patted me on the back, and she was like, bye. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So what was she teaching? | |
| It's okay. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| What was she teaching you? | ||
| She was taking me through the... | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| Taking me through the machine, you know? | ||
| And she'd be like, try to look at chunks at a time. | ||
| But did she understand dyslexia? | ||
| Did she get it? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's not simple. | ||
| You know who really got the word out about dyslexia, by the way? | ||
| Who? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bill Cosby on The Cosby Show. | |
| Really? | ||
| Theo. | ||
| He was always hard on Theo, but he found out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me hear you, Cosby. | |
| D-O! That's it? | ||
| That's all you got? | ||
|
unidentified
|
All I got is D-O! You have so many impressions. | |
| You know what's funny? | ||
| The Bill Maher one. | ||
| How bad does Bill Maher hate your impression? | ||
| It's funny because I actually feel bad now. | ||
| Because I think we've overshot... | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I have nothing against Bill Maher. | |
| I like Bill Maher. | ||
| I think Bill Maher's rants on his show are fucking... | ||
| They're important. | ||
| They're huge. | ||
| They're really good. | ||
| Like some of the more recent ones, attacking woke culture and all the bullshit involved. | ||
| Yeah, the ones I like... | ||
| I want to apologize to Bill Maher because that's the first sketch we really buckled down together with and we have been being gangbanged by a lot of celebrities and that's not right. | ||
| Can we watch that? | ||
| I guess we could put it on. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Where's that at? | ||
| Bill Maher gangbang. | ||
| Didn't he pretend to not know who you were? | ||
| Yes, and then you could tell he did. | ||
| Then you were like, let's play it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't play it. | |
| If you play that, I'm leaving. | ||
| Okay, so Kyle, that's the first thing that I worked on. | ||
| Because all of Kyle's anger comes out through sketch and dance and music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sketch and dance. | |
| Not dance. | ||
| I did tap with my mother when I was 12. Yeah, it's dance, too. | ||
| And so the thing that's funny is, his idea was like, I want Bill Maher to get gangbanged. | ||
| So the thing... | ||
| No, I was upset because he was like, his impression's terrible. | ||
| I've heard it. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| Your impression's amazing. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| And you said, it's good, let's play it. | ||
| And he was like, if you play that, I'm leaving. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| My suggestion was to make it for charity. | ||
| Bang started. | ||
| And I hope everybody's here. | ||
| Because I'm not waiting. | ||
| Present. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was thinking, since I love dinosaurs, perhaps I could... | |
| Jeff Goldblum. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, yes. | |
| So Jeff Goldblum. | ||
| I like it like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Military anal, on my back, like a girl. | |
| This is going exactly where you think it's going, so please feel free to stop watching. | ||
| And remember, I did not write this. | ||
| This is Brave Little Caleb's sketch. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| It's Wish a Sketch. | ||
| Yeah, the intro's Wish a Sketch. | ||
| Your wish is my command. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's my legs. | |
| Before we get started, would anybody like it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, yes. | |
| I'm all fat, but thank you. | ||
| Could you scooch? | ||
| It's a real honor, Mr. Vice President. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now, why don't you grab a foot, and you and Jeff try to split me in two, okay? | |
| Let me just slide in. | ||
| Why wouldn't he like it? | ||
| Who's that supposed to be? | ||
| That's Al Gore. | ||
| Yes, yes, yes, yes. | ||
| New rule. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Next time, put lube on your penises before you jam them in a virgin asshole. | |
| See, this is where we... | ||
| Why didn't Bill want to see those? | ||
| We went too far. | ||
| We went too far on that one. | ||
| Well, I don't understand why he didn't think that that sounded like him. | ||
| Okay, grateful. | ||
| You've got to admit, it's a great impression. | ||
| And I don't know of anybody else who does a Bill Maher impression. | ||
| I think if someone even does a bad impression, you have to pretend you like it as a general rule. | ||
| That's a fucking good one. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Because then it looks like you're upset. | ||
| Why don't you apologize to Bill? | ||
| Ask Bill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, Bill. | |
| I want to apologize for all the things I said about you in the past. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I'm not going to do any more Bill more. | ||
| Except for... | ||
| Well, we did one other one. | ||
| But, yeah. | ||
| He was never really that rude to me. | ||
| I, uh... | ||
| I told you I was in a plane with him. | ||
| After? | ||
| No, before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, before. | |
| He totally knows him. | ||
| That's why I started doing an impression of him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I went to Hawaii with him. | |
| Did you- He pretended he didn't know me on your podcast. | ||
| You guys on a private plane? | ||
| Yeah, on his private plane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
On his plane. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I was dating Sarah Silverman at the time, and he was really inviting Sarah, so I get that I'm a barnacle and he doesn't want me there. | ||
| Was that when he was doing his New Year's show? | ||
| Yes, it was a New Year's show. | ||
| I ran into Moshe and Natasha at the resort in Maui. | ||
| I just happened to be there while they were there. | ||
| I'm like, what are you guys doing here? | ||
| And they're like, oh, we're working with Bill. | ||
| Isn't Moshe the most surprised hairy guy that you ever met? | ||
| Like, you're like, wow, I never thought he'd be that hairy of a guy. | ||
| I did not pay attention to that. | ||
| Yeah, we're in the plane, and he was a little rude to me, but I kind of get it, you know, he doesn't really want me there. | ||
| I'm just, he wanted Sarah there. | ||
| And you're the boyfriend. | ||
| Yeah, and then we get there, and we had a couple of dinners, and then we're on the beach, and, you know, I started to, you know, take note of his voice, and I started to impression on him. | ||
| Some impressions, Kyle does this thing that's incredible, where there's certain impressions that he just naturally absorbs them. | ||
| The Goldblum's amazing. | ||
| Well, this guy, Scott, you ever see Scott Rouse, the body language channel where he reads people's body language? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Scott Rouse! | |
| Yeah, so we've had him on. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| By the way, this channel is great. | ||
| He's great, yeah, Scott Rouse. | ||
| He reads body language? | ||
| Yeah, he's like an expert. | ||
| Works for the government stuff. | ||
| So he can tell how you feel? | ||
| Yeah, they break down. | ||
| Agitated? | ||
| Right. | ||
| They break down criminal interviews when they interview murderers. | ||
| The guy just sits there like this. | ||
| He goes, first they get a base, this is what I've gathered, they get a baseline of the person talking. | ||
| You have to get them talking. | ||
| But just, you know, the way you shift eyes or whatever, voice changes, blink rate, there's a lot of different things. | ||
| But anyway, he's written books about it, he's an expert. | ||
| But I did him to him. | ||
| He laughs. | ||
| Like, I think you just... | ||
| Yeah, if someone does an impression, you have to pretend you like it. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| I worked with him on impressions, but there's some where he just, like, picks them up and he just starts doing them. | ||
| And he just picked this guy up immediately. | ||
| We had him, like, twice on the after-party part of the show. | ||
| And then Kyle started just doing him. | ||
| Do you find that when you hear someone talk, like, there's certain voices where you know you can do it? | ||
| Yeah, there's some voices that I sort of pick up in my ear easier. | ||
| People talk in like four or five note ranges, and some of them are just out of my range. | ||
| But I used to do them when I was a kid to get attention from girls. | ||
| I did Michael Jackson when he was really popular, and this girl wrote, I love Michael Jackson on her shoe, and I kind of was like, we're dating, I think, because she would come to me to do Michael Jackson. | ||
| And then she scribbled it off one day and I was devastated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was over. | |
| That was our breakup. | ||
| But then I got like, I don't know, I got a chip on my shoulder. | ||
| I was voted a class clown and I kind of saw that I was like a monkey for people in my school. | ||
| I remember I went to the cool kids table and they were like, do something funny, then you can sit down, do an impression. | ||
| And I got in my head like, I don't do impressions. | ||
| So I never did impressions in my stand-up. | ||
| I'm just starting to because of the YouTube stuff and everything. | ||
| In the app. | ||
| But I stopped doing impressions for like 20, like 30 years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I did them when I was younger. | ||
| All the time I did my teachers and then I just got like a, not a conscious choice, but a little bit like, no, I don't do that. | ||
| But wait, add to that, his mother filled his room with clowns. | ||
| Yeah, there were a lot of clowns. | ||
| That was real. | ||
| That's real, yeah. | ||
| I had a clown phone that would just be like, ha ha, and laugh. | ||
| I'd pick it up. | ||
| Because your mom wanted you to be a comedian? | ||
| He lived like the Joker's lair from the 60s Batman as a child that his mother gave him. | ||
| That is what he's telling me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| She didn't know... | ||
| Like, I cried when I got class clown. | ||
| Like, I was upset about it. | ||
| And I hated clowns. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| But I was very shy. | ||
| Pagliacci of you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I didn't want to tell... | ||
| I didn't want to hurt my mother's feelings and say, I don't like clowns. | ||
| Because I was just that kind of person. | ||
| I still struggle telling people what I really want. | ||
| And so she just... | ||
| I was trying to... | ||
| One of the clowns... | ||
| One of the clowns had a hat that said, I love girls on it. | ||
| And I think my family was like, does he like girls? | ||
| Let's just put this clown. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| They eventually found porn under my bed. | ||
| That's the gayest thing anyone's ever had on their bed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| But they found, like, girl clippings under my bed one day. | ||
| I remember we were working together at the store. | ||
| Girl clippings? | ||
| You know, I had, like, clipped out stuff from my, but very light, like, underwear ads. | ||
| I thought you meant, like, hair and toenails and stuff. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| You said girl clippings. | ||
| Clippings? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| Toe nails. | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| Mother found the clippings today. | ||
| I remember we were working at the store, and you were supposed to go on before me. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| But they said, he's got a band, and he's got screens, and it takes 20 minutes to set up. | ||
| I experimented. | ||
| And I go, what? | ||
| I go, well, how's he going to do that and go on before me if he's doing a 15-minute set? | ||
| And they were like, yeah, okay, we'll put him on after you. | ||
| But it takes, like, 20 minutes to set up. | ||
| I did that once. | ||
| I mean, I do a Largo theater. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's very Largo. | |
| But that was the first time I did it, which was a huge mistake. | ||
| I think it was the biggest bomb ever in the history of the Comedy Store, by the way. | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| I had to leave. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Because it didn't work. | ||
| I tripped over the wires. | ||
| I first put on Michael Jackson. | ||
| Now it's like... | ||
| First of all, it took 20 minutes after you left. | ||
| And they came to see you. | ||
| So you're done. | ||
| They want to go now. | ||
| And this band is setting up. | ||
| This is a bad idea. | ||
| But I remember them explaining it to me. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| They were explaining it to me. | ||
| Kyle needs 20 minutes. | ||
| He's going to go on before you. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| I didn't. | ||
| But it took 20 minutes. | ||
| You said it. | ||
| They wouldn't let me put it on the stage beforehand, which I get. | ||
| There was a piano, and they were like, no, we don't want that on the stage. | ||
| Who does he think he is? | ||
| Bo Burnham or something? | ||
| Yeah, so now you have to set up after. | ||
| So that's why it took that long. | ||
| We had originally set it up on the stage, but it was too much. | ||
| They didn't explain. | ||
| They said it was going to take you 20 minutes to set everything up. | ||
| Yeah, no, it was a mistake. | ||
| It was something I regret. | ||
| But I was experimenting and I, you know... | ||
| What did you do? | ||
| I did face swap. | ||
| I'm geared up. | ||
| I jerry-rigged my phone onto this thing around my neck and I connected it to a projector. | ||
| And then I had written some songs and then I was trying to do it, but I was in front of the projector. | ||
| It unhooked. | ||
| It was like a... | ||
| That's a disaster. | ||
| I really regret it. | ||
| But to do that at a 15-minute set at the store seems so insane. | ||
| It's like, you know how they can transmute other matter into gold now, but it's just too much energy, so it's not worth it? | ||
| Can I do that? | ||
| Yeah, like you could, but it would be a ridiculous amount of power. | ||
| Yeah, you could do it, but it's not worth it on any... | ||
| They've had some breakthrough with that, by the way, recently. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Very close. | ||
| That's what Kyle's AV presentation was. | ||
| Too much energy into it to not... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For not a lot of gold. | ||
| If they did that, they'd probably do the same things they did with diamonds. | ||
| They would just haul all the diamonds off until... | ||
| You know, apparently diamonds are not valuable anymore. | ||
| The De Beers family has all of them. | ||
| There's so many diamonds. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, as time went on... | ||
| We should double-check this, make sure this is true. | ||
| But as time went on, the innovation in mining... | ||
| And then the amount of diamonds they were able to discover far eclipsed the supplies that had been previously available. | ||
| So diamonds, which were like this incredibly rare, precious thing, are not that rare. | ||
| Listen, Henry Rollins told us this years ago. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Yeah, that's what I heard from Henry Rollins. | ||
| Oh, did he? | ||
| I will be doing that again, though. | ||
| What I tried at the comedy store on my tour. | ||
| I'm going to try it. | ||
| Because I've got to get the face swaps on my tour. | ||
| I'm going to fix it. | ||
| And I do it at Largo every now and then. | ||
| I'm gonna be there. | ||
| October 1st, Largo. | ||
| Dude, I called him up. | ||
| Because we used to write together. | ||
| That's a song that got that award. | ||
| That was me and him a lot. | ||
| So I didn't know about his Instagram, but Annie showed it to me. | ||
| So I was like, dude, whatever deal you got, just don't do it. | ||
| That's when he was doing the Comedy Central pilot. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like a year later, the Bill Maher thing, like, I don't know, inspired him, and then that's when we started making stuff together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I couldn't believe how funny that is, those face swaps. | ||
| They're, like, so shitty. | ||
| Well, the Caitlyn Jenner one, when you had the whole family, and they're like, yum yum, yum yum. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| The Kardashian family. | ||
| Yum yum yum. | ||
| They probably don't like that either. | ||
| But Chloe actually made a video doing one of my videos. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| We're mad at you. | ||
| We're mad at you. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| She probably thought it was hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good for her. | |
| That's when I first learned of the term vocal fry was from you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Vocal fry is like this. | ||
| That's what vocal fry is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Girls talk like this now. | ||
| Oh, it's called Vocal Friend? | ||
| Paris Hilton, I think, started it. | ||
| And by the way, it's feminist, so before you say something... | ||
| It's feminist? | ||
| Yeah, it's women talking low like men. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Like the Theranos chick. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Isn't it amazing? | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I'm obsessed with her. | ||
| Well, you don't have to give it... | ||
| All she had to do was put on a turtleneck and talk in a low voice. | ||
| Or talk in a voice like this. | ||
| And everybody believed her. | ||
| It's like being mad at pickup artists. | ||
| You're like, well, if it works. | ||
| Like, she made this crazy voice. | ||
| It just works. | ||
| She was the, literally, at the time, I think people have eclipsed her, but she was the richest ever self-made woman billionaire. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| And it was all fake. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A full-on fraud. | ||
| Not only just fraudulent, but dangerously so. | ||
| Where people base their health choices on this examination that they would do with a drop of blood. | ||
| It didn't work at all. | ||
| Do you do her? | ||
| No. | ||
| You should try. | ||
| I'll try to get her. | ||
| But do you think she... | ||
| I bet you could do her. | ||
| Her voice is too low. | ||
| Do you think she thought she could catch up and make it work? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Edison would do that where you get investors and you can't quite do it yet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then she's like, ah, I didn't crack it. | |
| Could be. | ||
| Could be she'd figured out, you know, like, there was, like, maybe some aspects of it that were legit. | ||
| Dude, they're all Fire Festival in the heart. | ||
| They're all like, no, that magic. | ||
| When they said that about, what's that, like, game that famously came out and sucked, and they're like, oh, Bioware's the company. | ||
| But, like, that Bioware magic. | ||
| Anthem. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| Yeah, it came out around the time of... | ||
| I think it's hard to compare that level of fraud to someone who literally made thousands of people's lives and put them in deep danger. | ||
| Probably responsible for people dying. | ||
| That's the level of crime, but it's the same kind of thing of like, yeah, magic. | ||
| It's all going to work out. | ||
| The anxiety of watching Fyre Fest, you're like, dude, just stop it. | ||
| Do you understand, by the way, the entire Afghanistan war was basically a Fyre Fest, but of the Pentagon. | ||
| If you break it down. | ||
| I would love to hear. | ||
| Yeah, there's some merit in there. | ||
| You're like, no, it's totally gonna be awesome. | ||
| Ja Rule's gonna be there. | ||
| Everyone gets a sandwich. | ||
| You know, her latest thing is like, her latest Hail Mary is like, the man was abusive, and that's why she did it. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| Sonny guy, Sonny Balwani, the guy that she did it with, he was abusive, and that's what's forced her to lie. | ||
| When you hear the people that were working there that uncovered it, and they're like, hey, this shit doesn't work. | ||
| A guy killed- somebody killed themselves because his life was fucked up from trying to expose what was going on. | ||
| Can we hear her? | ||
| What does she sound like? | ||
| Yeah, get Elizabeth- there was one- there was a speech that she gave at like some women's conference, and that's when I knew she was full of shit. | ||
| When I listened to her speech, I was like, this is not a smart person. | ||
| Like, this is not real. | ||
| But she said it in a low voice. | ||
| This was when she was huge. | ||
| This was when she was balling out of control. | ||
| And she was speaking. | ||
| She was like, I'm just so happy to be here and accept this for all the amazing women who are out there doing just amazing things. | ||
| And all you women are just incredible. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| This is not how a genius speaks or thinks. | ||
| This is nonsense talk. | ||
| What she's saying was nonsense. | ||
| Sometimes people are awkward, but you can see the brilliance through their awkwardness. | ||
| There was none of that. | ||
| I was like, this is a dull mind. | ||
| This is not a smart person. | ||
| Unless I'm missing something, And then I started, like, digging into it. | ||
| And then, literally, like, months later, the exposure happened. | ||
| She had a few sentences she kept repeating, like, you don't have to say goodbye too soon. | ||
| She had some script she would repeat in every interview. | ||
| See, they can find her speech. | ||
| She gave some speech at this woman's conference thing. | ||
| And I remember listening to her, because they were talking... | ||
| Well, she definitely faked her deep voice, but like Google her speech at women's conference thing, some women in business speech. | ||
| No, it's like women's something. | ||
| It really is amazing if that works. | ||
| If you talk low. | ||
| Inspirational speech. | ||
| Oh, let's hear this. | ||
| Maybe this. | ||
| Give me some. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The leading cause of the suffering associated with saying goodbye... | |
| Too soon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Too soon. | |
| Yeah, that's the one. | ||
| Keep saying that. | ||
| Give me some! | ||
|
unidentified
|
The right to protect the health and well-being of every person and of those we love. | |
| Love. | ||
| It is a basic human right. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a right defined in the universal declaration on human rights and our work and my life's work is in being able to engage people in that right. | |
| We believe that the challenges of health care can be solved by the individual and if we can begin To engage the individual, we can begin to change outcomes. | ||
| She should have run for president. | ||
| The thing is, you can be a full-on bullshitter and become a super successful politician. | ||
| She just got in the wrong line of work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That speech sounded like she should have went, Sandeem is high school football. | |
| She was doing a speech in front of her class and she did no prep and so she just decided to bolster her way through it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's a substitute teacher. | |
| Like a book report. | ||
| The most amazing thing about this book is the way it's written. | ||
| Things are bigger and yet smaller. | ||
| It's so hard to say goodbye. | ||
| Too soon. | ||
| Too soon. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| Oh, well, dude, her real voice apparently was nothing like that. | ||
| I can't do it because she's making her voice low and her voice is too high. | ||
| I think there's a way that you can do it. | ||
| It would just be too low. | ||
| Well, maybe I can do it for you. | ||
| If you do it, that'd be cool. | ||
| I'll do the voice swap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| But the thing is, once you know that it was all fraud and you listen to that speech, it takes on a whole different feel. | ||
| I know. | ||
| All horseshit. | ||
| Yeah, it's obvious what you know. | ||
| How would anyone not notice that that's a fake voice? | ||
| I know. | ||
| If I heard that, I'm like, is that your voice? | ||
| One of the ways she got ratted out was the people she went to college with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, is that right? | ||
| They're like, hey, hey, hey, that bitch doesn't talk like that. | ||
| Like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yes, I do. | ||
| That level of, I guess it's sociopath, where you think you can get away with something. | ||
| Like, I don't think I can get away with anything. | ||
| But imagine how far she got and when she was, like, literally worth billions of dollars. | ||
| Billions. | ||
| At that point, she was probably like, well, this is a fucking, this is a layup. | ||
| I did it. | ||
| Wouldn't you be panicked? | ||
| How much shit, by the way, is that? | ||
| That somebody just keeps getting donor money All these things that's a mystery, like nobody likes this. | ||
| Why is it being made? | ||
| And it's some kind of venture capital. | ||
| Big people donate money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, she'd do a thing where she had the little Edison machine and she'd prick your finger and then they'd send the real blood somewhere else and take them for a tour and then come back. | ||
| Listen, you should have taken the UBI when you had a chance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| And now you get nothing. | ||
| Didn't Betsy DeVos give her $100 million? | ||
| I should hope so. | ||
| I think it was $100 million. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| See if that's accurate. | ||
| I don't want to get sued. | ||
| Like I'm going to sue CNN. I think it's around $100 million. | ||
| Like, yeah. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| I mean, incredible how fake that is. | ||
| That's like one quarter of a painting she gave away. | ||
| Ah! | ||
| I mean, I have always felt, especially like writing for things, like, you know, you serve at the pleasure of like a minor noble. | ||
| You know, like old-time, you know, like old-time, you have like a benefactor that's like, oh, the duke of something supports my... | ||
| That's how all these jobs have felt the whole time I've done that. | ||
| Writing for things? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like writing for a sitcom or something? | ||
| Just somebody famous. | ||
| You'd be like, oh, I'm serving the duke of something, right? | ||
| You know, like, depending on the level of famousness. | ||
| Oh, I see what you're saying. | ||
| It feels like that exact same, like there's like patrons. | ||
| So all these things now are like competing like rich patrons and it governs everything. | ||
| That's what I was talking about with Young Turks before. | ||
| Yeah, but this is an investment thing. | ||
| Like this is someone who came with a product. | ||
| Or a tax write-off probably. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's like a completely innovative Rupert Murdoch who sunk a $125 million. | ||
| She fucking got some big people. | ||
| Yeah, that's amazing. | ||
| $125 million into Theranos. | ||
| The company's largest individual investor, though his name did not appear in the documents. | ||
| He sold back his shares for $1 in early 2017. Holy fuck. | ||
| He wanted that dollar back? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| The Cox family, members of the South African Oppenheimer family, Walmart founder Sam Walton invested $150 million. | ||
| Holy fuck! | ||
| I bet Rupert Murdoch's face was extra droopy that day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't believe she got me! | |
| It looked even meltier than usual when he found out. | ||
| They all thought, like, the story was so great, right? | ||
| You get this lady, she dresses like, I mean, she even, like, ripped off Steve Jobs' attire. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the whole presentation and pulling something out of her pocket. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a thing that I have to do. | |
| That thing, was it called a nanoteater or something? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was it called? | |
| The nanoteater will allow us to save lives at Walgreens across America. | ||
| It'll allow us to change the way medicine interfaces with souls. | ||
| See, that sounds Clinton-y, how you're doing it. | ||
| We're all doing it terrible, but that's all right. | ||
| I can work on it. | ||
| I feel it. | ||
| Give me another. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| It's Remy and Michelle. | ||
| You can get her. | ||
| It's that accent from Rio, me and Michelle's high school wedding. | ||
| It's like Coke. | ||
| It is sort of like a Baltimore voice. | ||
| I still have a little bit of Rona voice. | ||
| Which also is Jeff Bezos. | ||
| Oh yeah, Jeff Bezos. | ||
| I don't know what his voice sounds like. | ||
| I never knew until he broke the space barrier. | ||
| He didn't break the space barrier. | ||
| Because I called him with it because I'm watching it. | ||
| He's so excited because he went to space. | ||
| So he's like, you know, he sounds like a surfer. | ||
| Yeah, it looks like this, actually. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| I fucking ruled, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Space barrier. | |
| Okay, give me some. | ||
| Give me some. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cause of the suffering. | |
| Cause of the suffering. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Associated with saying goodbye. | |
| Associated. | ||
| Is she singing? | ||
| That sounds like Belle Viv DeVoe or something. | ||
| Yeah, she's so full of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The health and well-being of every person and of those we love. | |
| She's laughing. | ||
| Honestly, I can't do it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's outside my range. | ||
| I could try, but it would be fake. | ||
| Look, she's trying to do Buffalo Bill. | ||
| It's holiday. | ||
| It puts the lotion in the basket. | ||
| She's doing Dan Zeller's voice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is she a great big fat person? | |
| We need to have tests for great big fat people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great big vial of blood. | |
| Yeah, I can't do it because you have to have a girl's voice to go low at that high. | ||
| Well, maybe you can get a girl that can do it. | ||
| We need a girl, actually. | ||
| This is a sausage vessel. | ||
| Dude, this Star Trek thing, the cast is all white because if Kyle played anyone else... | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Ryan, you can't play a whore. | ||
| It's not Gene Roddenberry's dream. | ||
| Caitlyn Jenner is a whore. | ||
| But yeah, everyone's white. | ||
| Dude, we went through to have the president of China in the Fresh Pres. | ||
| Oh, yes. | ||
| That was a lot of discussion. | ||
| We recorded it three times. | ||
| Because how do I do a Chinese, I can't do a Chinese guy? | ||
| He did the Raiders of the Lost Ark bad guy. | ||
| You know, the one that burned his hand. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like, what have we here? | ||
| Yeah, what have we here? | ||
| Dr. Johns. | ||
| I did that. | ||
| No, it's too Chinese. | ||
| And we're like, oh, it's racist. | ||
| And then we had a Chinese comic that, you know Feng Chao? | ||
| You know Feng Chao, right? | ||
| We had him do it. | ||
| And that sounds more racist than... | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| Have you ever done Kim Jong-un? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, you have one with Kim Jong-un. | ||
| Oh, I did? | ||
| You're right. | ||
| What did I do? | ||
| Because I think I get in trouble. | ||
| You just had big glasses. | ||
| Well, you better scrub that. | ||
| Mr. President. | ||
| Yeah, better scrub that one. | ||
| Delete that. | ||
| Yo, even if it's a dictator, you better not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I should have a delete list. | ||
| Just now. | ||
| It's like, it changes every year. | ||
| I know. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Give me some volume. | ||
| Give me some volume. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's you. | |
| Weird app on that. | ||
| But it's your face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's us. | |
| Just kidding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a double kidding. | |
| Believe me. | ||
| What double kidding. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's racist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just get ready. | |
| But that looks like you. | ||
| That's a weird app. | ||
| I don't know where I found that, but it is mixing my face. | ||
| Why didn't you use his face? | ||
| It's a mixture. | ||
| It is an app. | ||
| But the Trump one is just all Trump's face. | ||
| Yeah, two separate apps. | ||
| I couldn't... | ||
| Me, it's weird, but I have like three different apps that I use. | ||
| You look like one of the hotter brothers of Kim Jong-un in that one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks, dude. | |
| That he would have killed. | ||
| Well, he's hot now. | ||
| He's lost a lot of weight. | ||
| Has he? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, good for him. | ||
| There was like, CBS was making a big deal out of one of those networks. | ||
| Dude, that would be great if he became the new. | ||
| Slim and energetic he looks. | ||
| Yeah, like him holding, he comes out holding his old belt. | ||
| Yeah, old pants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him. | |
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Hey, it's me. | ||
| No, let's see what he looks like now. | ||
| Thinamore and Janet Kim. | ||
| Yeah, so it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| It's CBS. And people are like, hey, CBS, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Dude, he should hold, hey, remember me, Kim from North Korea? | ||
| Look at him now. | ||
| I mean, he looks like this. | ||
| Probably Trump sent him some of his speed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey. | |
| Is that what that was with speed? | ||
| Because he's like a teetotaler, isn't he? | ||
| I love that we were all scared of Trump. | ||
| North Korea's nuclear bombs. | ||
| They just did some cruise missile thing. | ||
| No one cares. | ||
| You ever talk to Michael Malice about North Korea stuff? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I love Michael. | ||
| Yeah, guy rules. | ||
| Dear Reader, that book is fucking incredible. | ||
| Well, he says a lot of stuff about it because he's right about people making it kind of a joke and take it like... | ||
| Who's the... | ||
| I forget her name, but she's a defector from North Korea. | ||
| Yon Me Park. | ||
| I had her on. | ||
| So, I saw somebody write that like, oh, she's saying stuff that's not true because other defectors say, like, contradict what she says. | ||
| And he knew, which I wouldn't even thought of, is a bunch of these people, it's like people that defect from Scientology but don't talk about it, you know, because they'll come and get you. | ||
| Chances are they could hurt someone back home or something. | ||
| So they go, no, no, what she's saying is not true. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| She's here. | ||
| She's in America, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, so they're not all in America. | ||
| Some of them are in South Korea, and they'll come get you. | ||
| So you've got to watch what you say. | ||
| So the other defectors have to say that that's not true. | ||
| Yeah, you might defect it and still be under the thumb of, you know... | ||
| Oh, yeah, and terrified. | ||
| I didn't even think of that, but he just knows a lot about the topic. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Malice is brilliant. | ||
| He's a brilliant guy. | ||
| And he's such a little fucking contrarian. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He's so funny at poking holes in people's theories. | ||
| And says ridiculous shit. | ||
| There should be no police. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Ben Shapiro's like a funny comedian now, because he's like, you know... | ||
| I resent that about Ben Shapiro. | ||
| Watching him is so funny now. | ||
| I watch him for comedy. | ||
| Him talking about the TikTok culture is really funny. | ||
| Here's the funniest thing of coming up with Ben Shapiro shit is, it's like... | ||
| He has things where I'm like, shut up, Benjamin. | ||
| But when he's right, he's right. | ||
| And he's so twerpy of a guy. | ||
| The impression is so funny. | ||
| He's like, I'm right. | ||
| You know, I'm right. | ||
| He has such a twerpy energy. | ||
| Facts don't care about your feelings. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fine. | |
| It's fine. | ||
| That's a pretty goddamn good impression. | ||
| When's he been here last? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Recently? | |
| Well, he was supposed to be here the week I got the Rona. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, I got to reschedule him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You flew us in, like, first class. | ||
| People should know. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| My pleasure. | ||
| Our flight attendant was the oldest man I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| It looked like from the Adams family he was like a lurch kind of guy. | ||
| Like 90 years old. | ||
| It was tragic that he worked there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because he wanted to work. | ||
| Well, he gets in a thing. | ||
| He looked like he was in incredible pain. | ||
| Maybe he's trying to get away from his wife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He looked lost. | |
| He goes, I'm your stewardess. | ||
| He called himself a stewardess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, so he's called himself a stewardess out of the window. | |
| And then I was having trouble with my Wi-Fi, and I was like, I should not ask this guy, but I was curious. | ||
| Dude, he was shaped like in the Monty Python meaning of life, when they have the weird... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you ever see that movie? | |
| Forever ago, like in the 80s. | ||
| Yeah, when they have the fish intermission, it doesn't make sense, and it's like a bent-over guy with one long arm, that's what the guy looks like. | ||
| Oh, so he's hunched over? | ||
| When I asked about the Wi-Fi, he goes, does anybody know how the Wi-Fi... | ||
| He yells it to the first-class crew, and that guy was like, click this, and I clicked it, and I go, it still doesn't work, and he goes, good, thank you. | ||
| He looked like the guy from Phantasm, but not as spry. | ||
| Anyway, thank you for taking care of us. | ||
| You're welcome. | ||
| And you got a nice hotel. | ||
| We got a car. | ||
| Kurt and I, we aren't used to being treated well. | ||
| Listen, I love you guys. | ||
| We just did three and a half hours. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Yeah, it's 4.30. | ||
| My God, thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy. | |
| My pleasure. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| It's a good thing you had some water next to it. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tell everybody how to get a hold of your show. | ||
| KyleDunniganComedy.com. | ||
| I got a tour coming up. | ||
| Also, KyleDunniganShow at Gmail. | ||
| If you're an advertiser, we're looking... | ||
| And by the way, we're going to shut the door in like 24 hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Just to put on... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Sound cool. | ||
| Put a little pressure on them? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So you have 24 hours to contact you to be an investor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| Taking all our advertisers for the year. | ||
| Listen, and we welcome if you're like a spray for your penis or something or... | ||
| Anything. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yeah, we'll advertise. | ||
| Hair, drugs, anything. | ||
| We sold a lot of blowjob machines. | ||
| Nuclear waves. | ||
| Blowjob machines? | ||
| We actually did sell a lot of blowjob machines. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For real? | |
| For real, yeah. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's called Autoblow, and the guy doesn't have a lot of money. | ||
| Does it work? | ||
| Look, I don't know. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| My deck wouldn't fit, so I don't know. | ||
| That's that big? | ||
| That's fantastic. | ||
| Got giant logs? | ||
| I don't think they sent us big enough sleeves. | ||
| But we make big commercials. | ||
| We don't just do a read. | ||
| We do a sketch, because we want to retain. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Anyway. | |
| Nice. | ||
| That's where I'll be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you believe in a product, it's easier. | |
| And then the YouTube channel? | ||
| YouTube slash Kyle Dunnigan. | ||
| That's where I like people going, because that's where we can actually make some money. | ||
| That's what I was trying to get you to tell people. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Yes, youtube.com slash Kyle Dunnigan. | ||
| Enjoy unlimited blowjobs from our advanced blowjob machines. | ||
| This is real? | ||
| Oh my god, they're going to love the year of talking about them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what everyone says. | |
| That should be the slogan. | ||
| You'll say, is this real? | ||
| The way that thing is moving, I'm confused. | ||
| Oh, okay, you're seeing the guts. | ||
| The inside of it. | ||
| And then you put your dick in the top hole. | ||
| It's as mind-blowing as old people see an Elvis the first time on TV. We do it on Pussy. | ||
| Look at his hips! | ||
| Look at his hips! | ||
| Look at that gyration. | ||
| It's not right. | ||
| And Metzger, tell everybody how to get ahold of you. | ||
| Oh, uh, Kurt Metzger comedy. | ||
| And Instagram, Twitter. | ||
| He's so hot. | ||
| He smoked an entire joint. | ||
| I should tell everybody. | ||
| He smoked one of those Speedweed joints. | ||
| Is that Speedweed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah. | |
| That's like hundreds of milligrams of THC. Really? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And before the show, he had one. | ||
| Oh, well there you go. | ||
| I was probably less normal before it took. | ||
| You have an amazing tolerance though. | ||
| It's incredible because he went through the entire joint. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Never passed it around to us. | ||
| No, he didn't. | ||
| He didn't even think about it. | ||
| What about COVID? | ||
| We're all tested. | ||
| We're good. | ||
| That blows my alibi out of the water. | ||
| When Kurt comes over, we get him like food and stuff. | ||
| And then one time he came over with a bag and I go, hey, can I have some of that as a joke? | ||
| He goes, no, it's mine. | ||
| Didn't even share it. | ||
| I don't even remember that. | ||
| Your eye. | ||
| Your eye. | ||
| He probably had the munchies. | ||
| Instagram? | ||
| Yeah, Kurt Metzger Comedy on Instagram. | ||
| And my podcast, Can't Get Right, on Gas Digital. | ||
| Can't Get Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can't Get Right. | ||
| And is that, like, do you have to subscribe to Gas Digital? | ||
| I just had Malice on the last episode. | ||
| Yeah, but it comes out on, uh, it's on YouTube. | ||
| You can watch it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| And we do a weekly podcast on the YouTube channel, too. | ||
| Oh, what is that? | ||
| We crank out a lot. | ||
| We call it the After Party. | ||
| So we do a live show, which is now Kyle Dunningan's show. | ||
| Now, the live sketch show, we have to film little clips so I could change in a different outfit, but you can't tell that it's pre-taped some of it. | ||
| So you do it live in front of a live audience? | ||
| You pre-record some of it and then do a transition, and then if he's going to be Biden, he's got to spray just the top of his head and put the hat on. | ||
| A live sketch show. | ||
| I don't think anyone else is doing it. | ||
| It's a live sketch show on YouTube. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| So it's streaming live. | ||
| It streams live, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Ryan Filippi did it, the last one. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Nice. | ||
| He played the Biden game show. | ||
| Listen, what I said at the beginning, I stand by. | ||
| I genuinely think you guys have, like, legitimately one of the funniest shows of all time. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you so much. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| You've been the best support. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Keep doing it, please. | ||
| Love you, brother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Love you, too. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Love you, too. | ||
| Bye. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye. |
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