May 19, 2021 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:05:43
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Check it out. | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day. | ||
| Joe Rogan Podcast by night. | ||
| All day. | ||
| It's... | ||
| What's dark now? | ||
| It's 1 o'clock, Joe. | ||
| This is such a bad idea. | ||
| I'm going to end up on 8chan. | ||
| We can do whatever the fuck we want. | ||
| We're comedians. | ||
| We're professional comedians, Whitney Cummings. | ||
| You know what's so wild to me? | ||
| You've always been Texas to me. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| I half grew up in Texas. | ||
| My mom's family's from Sherman, Texas. | ||
| I don't know if you know Sherman. | ||
| It's north of Fort Worth. | ||
| My uncle made the TI Texas Instruments calculators. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, he was in the factory. | ||
| He built those. | ||
| I used to have one of those. | ||
| Do you remember those? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I used to run around my school when I was a kid and be like, my uncle makes the Texas Instruments calculators. | ||
| They thought I was the coolest person on the planet. | ||
| I was like bragging about them all the time. | ||
| And then we got to the grade where you actually had to order the fucking calculators. | ||
| And I was all of a sudden the most unpopular person in the school. | ||
| They're like, fuck you, fuck your uncle. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because remember they were like this, I mean they were a giant brick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And like most of the buttons were hieroglyphics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hieroglyphics? | |
| Remember those? | ||
| Remember it was like 1 through 10 and then it was just like all these other crazy buttons. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Those TI-83. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They were this big. | |
| Pull up a photo of those. | ||
| They were this big. | ||
| So you used to play Drug Wars on them. | ||
| Drug Wars? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could put games on them and shit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You guys didn't do that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| I remember we used to try to make dicks out of the numbers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How do you play Drug Wars? | ||
| I mean, it was just a text game, so it'd be like you go to this city and you want to buy drugs, and then you go to this city and you buy a bunch of drugs, and then... | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| That looks like a Blackberry. | ||
| This is before the Silk Road. | ||
| I remember when the Blackberries were out, and I was like, I am never going with something without a button. | ||
| My friend got an iPhone. | ||
| I'm like, what is that nonsense? | ||
| You're typing on a screen? | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| It also seemed so unsanitary at the time, iPhone, versus the buttons. | ||
| Remember the... | ||
| The buttons get all the stuff in between the cracks. | ||
| That shit was nasty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| It was like drug wars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| It just would like list it. | ||
| Pigs broke up a drug ring at Greenwood OBGYN. So you'd have to move cities. | ||
| So it would get messages? | ||
| Like a pager? | ||
| It was just like you had a pager and you were a drug dealer and you had to be successful. | ||
| See, pagers... | ||
| There's no winning, but... | ||
| Pagers were like... | ||
| Joey Diaz always had a pager. | ||
| And then people got those pagers that had messages. | ||
| Sky pagers? | ||
| You could type a message. | ||
| People were texting. | ||
| They were texting pagers like, hey, meet me at Mike's house. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| That was the thing. | ||
| That predated cell phones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But you would get the page, because I have one running around in D.C. Some people call it a beeper, some people call it a pager. | ||
| If you call it a beeper, we didn't fuck with you. | ||
| It was very serious. | ||
| That was what really divided America back in the day. | ||
| Versus red, versus blue. | ||
| And then you go to a payphone. | ||
| Yeah, those things. | ||
| The Motorola. | ||
| Yes, two-way pager. | ||
| So it was basically like text messaging. | ||
| Send text messages to each other. | ||
| I miss that little clip. | ||
| You felt so important. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You felt like every time someone paged you, you were going to go save a life in the ER. I'm seriously thinking of going back to a flip phone. | |
| I've been really thinking about it lately. | ||
| Because the days that I just leave my phone in the house, I don't have any... | ||
| I have an Instagram app and a Twitter app on my phone, but I never open them anymore. | ||
| And I've been really thinking like I should just do all that shit from a dedicated phone that I only use for social media and for my regular phone. | ||
| Just have some shit that I can text people on. | ||
| You're the reason I made this folder on the bottom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| It says addict. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's what I have. | ||
| And it used to be on the farthest page and then I fucking moved it like an addict. | ||
| And I'm trying so hard. | ||
| I even did the little app that makes it so it tells you you've been on your screen for 30 minutes today. | ||
| And I'm like, fuck you, you snitch. | ||
| Like, I can't even respect my own boundaries for it. | ||
| But I have Joel Silver, famous L.A. producer. | ||
| He uses a flip phone only. | ||
| And it's like a game changer. | ||
| Yeah, it changes your life because then you're only text messaging people and sending phone calls. | ||
| And you're not putting shit in writing that is perfectly well-intentioned and can be misconstrued later under new circumstances. | ||
| I mean, people even get bitchy about when I do an email and it's just like, thank you for the info period. | ||
| They're like, are you okay? | ||
| Are you mad? | ||
| I'm like, no, that's how adults talk. | ||
| Yeah, thank you for the info. | ||
| I'm not doing a smiley face. | ||
| I'm not doing an exclamation part. | ||
| Some people are so sensitive, though. | ||
| They're so sensitive. | ||
| I'm like, you're projecting onto this. | ||
| That's your shit. | ||
| Well, it's also, we do podcasts, right? | ||
| So we're talking out loud, and you don't know what the fuck you're saying, why you're saying it. | ||
| And then people take it out, and then they make a clip out of it. | ||
| Like, this is like a very important statement by Whitney Cummings. | ||
| It's like, every day I say something stupid. | ||
| You could find some shit. | ||
| I'm not paying attention. | ||
| There's this new thing, like when people talk about cancel culture and everything, where I'm like, when did comedians become heroes and a moral compass? | ||
| Our job is to go into dangerous areas, say dangerous shit, test the waters. | ||
| We're the fucking Magellan on the front line. | ||
| You know when penguins push another penguin off a... | ||
| Off the cliff? | ||
| That's us. | ||
| We're like, we'll jump off this cliff and see if there are sharks. | ||
| We're supposed to be explorers. | ||
| We're supposed to play devil's advocate and have hot takes. | ||
| I'm working on this new hour and it's always like, okay, I'm going to say something that's not true, that I think is funny, and then defend it with jokes. | ||
| You know, that's kind of like the way I start writing. | ||
| And I hope you don't agree with anything I'm saying because then it can't be original or you've probably heard it at work today. | ||
| The idea is you pay money to hear someone say some shit you would never hear anywhere else. | ||
| It's a haunted house. | ||
| It's also you don't really know if it's going to work. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Until you try it out. | ||
| It's like the famous thing that we've quoted all the time about Patrice. | ||
| Patrice had the best take on this. | ||
| He said, all jokes come from the same place. | ||
| Bad ones and good ones. | ||
| They come from, you're trying to be funny. | ||
| And some of them just don't work. | ||
| But it comes from the same place. | ||
| It's not like there's an evil intention behind these jokes. | ||
| But you have to give us the right to fail. | ||
| That's the only way we can learn and know. | ||
| Most people do. | ||
| It's a small, very vocal minority that don't. | ||
| Agree. | ||
| And I do think it's funny with all the, like, cancel culture stuff. | ||
| Like, I do kind of joke that, like, comedians, like, we have exacerbated it so much because we're so sensitive. | ||
| Also, we put fuel in the fire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Like, we say the most dumb shit. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And also, you know, it does get tricky when, you know, people think that As a comedian, it's not my job for everyone to like me. | ||
| I hope I'm polarizing. | ||
| We can't fight for like, I have the right to say whatever I want, First Amendment right, but you don't have the right to not like me. | ||
| It's like, all right, whatever. | ||
| You don't like me, fine. | ||
| Well, in this culture, there is no fucking way everyone's going to like you. | ||
| It's not possible. | ||
| If you're the most rational, reasonable person on the left, some shithead on the right is going to hate you. | ||
| If you're the most rational, conservative person, some wokester is going to get pissed at you. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| Nobody skates. | ||
| I would hope so. | ||
| I didn't sign up to be a comic to not be polarizing or incendiary. | ||
| Even when you're in the club with your own fans, you want to say some shit and they're like, ah, and you're like, just stay with me. | ||
| I'm going to fucking turn that. | ||
| Or not. | ||
| Or not! | ||
| I'm on this fucking tightrope. | ||
| Let's see how far I can go. | ||
| I love when Bill Burgoes, I remember one time he was in the main room and he likes to bomb on purpose to dig himself out of a hole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it was one of my favorite things to do is when you're sort of like, oh, I said some shit that I'm probably, you know, this is something I'm going to have to fucking dig out of. | ||
| That's when you get stronger and better. | ||
| And he would open with shit. | ||
| I remember one time he was, I know he was in the OR, and he said something like, can we just talk about the fact that black people and white people are different? | ||
| And everyone's like, ooh, and he's like, stay with me, and then defends it and gets it back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, so I just think that we're a mental haunted house. | ||
| You're supposed to be like spooked and scared and challenged and you don't have to agree with us all the time. | ||
| Yeah, well, there's a recreation right now. | ||
| It's recreational outrage, right? | ||
| And recreational attacks. | ||
| So people try to find things that piss them off and attack them. | ||
| And if you want to find those, comedians are like the best resource. | ||
| If you're looking for something to get mad at, you can find us all the time. | ||
| You go to porn to jerk off, you go to comedians Twitter to get mad. | ||
| And it is, you know, I feel like we talk about this a lot, but, you know, addiction to me is the element of the conversation that's missing from this whole thing. | ||
| Because, you know, self-righteous indignation is a legitimate addiction. | ||
| Adrenaline makes dopamine. | ||
| When you go on there and go, fuck this guy, you get two likes, you're like, yeah, I mean, it's a dopamine high. | ||
| Yeah, likes are real. | ||
| Likes, retweets, replies, when you see all your comments, people agreeing with you, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, people feed off that shit. | ||
| And I also think people that really love you can go, oh, what the fuck was that, man? | ||
| Like, a lot of times, negativity, when I look at, are people just kind of trying to be funny half the time? | ||
| Or they're just trying to, you know, when I go to airports, someone's like, what's up, cunt? | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| Is it usually a guy? | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| I was just in Houston. | ||
| Dude, Texas bitches do not fuck around. | ||
| I was across the street and these girls were like, Whitney, we love you. | ||
| And I was like, hey. | ||
| And they were like, get over here, bitch. | ||
| And I'm walking across the street. | ||
| And then they were like, we want to get a photo. | ||
| And I was like, cool, go for it. | ||
| And they were like, we want you to bend over and we're going to run a train on you. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| These girls were all doing that to you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yes, and it was just funny. | ||
| It was silly. | ||
| I always have to draw a line. | ||
| Like, no, I'm not going to take my shirt off. | ||
| No, I'm not going to kiss you. | ||
| Hold up. | ||
| You've been taking your shirt off a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Recently. | |
| On stage, you have people go up and feel your tits. | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| This is why you're here. | ||
| This is an intervention. | ||
| Like what do you love to? | ||
| You dye your hair granny silver and you're having everyone grab your tits. | ||
| Like what? | ||
| What a mixed message. | ||
| I'm gonna defend the hair in a minute. | ||
| You don't have to defend the hair. | ||
| I don't have any hair. | ||
| It was a little crusty the clown for a while because I didn't realize when you do a podcast, you guys can just walk on. | ||
| I have to brush my hair. | ||
| No one told me when I started a podcast I was going to have to fucking brush my hair. | ||
| You don't have to brush your hair. | ||
| Well, when I didn't, everyone thought I was like a crackhead. | ||
| Oh, that's a good point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I could do that. | ||
| Yeah, or a scarf. | ||
| Nah, if you wear a beanie with colored hair, it's everyone's like calling and being like, are you okay? | ||
| Like, just like Betty Ford is sending me like gift cards. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Wear a fedora like you're a detective. | ||
| Detective Whitney. | ||
| That's really funny and dumb. | ||
| I could do that. | ||
| Maybe a straw hat like Huckleberry Finn. | ||
| Dude, this is, when people talk about LA being dumb, this is the shit that really pisses me off. | ||
| There's a guy that sells hats for $1,000 in Venice, and they're suede, and they have a little burnt matchstick in them. | ||
| They'd be $100 at Smith& Wesson or whatever. | ||
| Not Smith& Wesson. | ||
| What's the hat company? | ||
| I should not be drinking bourbon at this time. | ||
| The hat company? | ||
| The hat company that makes the great hats. | ||
| Stetson? | ||
| Stetson, yes. | ||
| And he puts a match in it and they're $1,000 in LA. People that have never been to any other state. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Good for them. | ||
| If they pay $1,000 for a hat, they are a hipster. | ||
| They deserve themselves. | ||
| In Silver Lake. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you deserve homeless people setting your house on fire. | ||
| You already have a burnt match in your hat. | ||
| There are some things that people do sell that if you buy that, you deserve it. | ||
| You're not getting ripped off. | ||
| You're getting represented. | ||
| This represents you. | ||
| Yeah, you deserve to go broke. | ||
| You should spend a thousand bucks on a hat with a match in it. | ||
| You're an asshole. | ||
| You are mentally... | ||
| This is what you deserve. | ||
| Yeah, you want to show up at a party with that thing and go, oh my god, is that a Franklin? | ||
| Who made your hat? | ||
| Is that a Smith? | ||
| Who makes those? | ||
| When people start paying three times as much money for something that's vintage that should be three times cheaper because it's vintage. | ||
| It's used, you fuck. | ||
| It has crabs. | ||
| People have been jerking off into that shirt. | ||
| You're getting leprosy from this, and you just paid. | ||
| So, oh yeah, I think for me, the whole pandemic, and I know you saw it, and you and Annie Letterman, and the real, real comics were a big support system to me when I was really trying to figure out a way to Help comics keep doing stand-up safely in LA. Well, you did an amazing job. | ||
| What you did was really brave, because you did it in your backyard amongst friends. | ||
| Like, you all did comedy together to each other, which is hilarious, because you would think that it would be easy to do comedy in front of your friends. | ||
| It's fucking hard. | ||
| And embarrassing. | ||
| And super embarrassing. | ||
| And also, you're doing it for a bunch of comics and agents and managers and friends. | ||
| That's not an audience. | ||
| An audience is people you don't know. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And when you guys did that, I was like, look at Whitney, that little junkie. | ||
| She's out there getting her fix. | ||
| She's out there getting her fixed by any means necessary. | ||
| I mean, it was wild to have whatever your coping mechanism. | ||
| I mean, it's our job, it's our career, it's our vocation, but it's also our coping mechanism. | ||
| It's how we make sense of things. | ||
| And with everything that was going on, you know, I mean, Tim Dillon was over every day and we were just screaming at each other in my yard. | ||
| Wasn't he living with you for a while? | ||
| Kind of. | ||
| How long was he staying with you for? | ||
| He would just come over kind of most days. | ||
| I fucking love that dude. | ||
| He is a goddamn national treasure. | ||
| Oh, look! | ||
| There's Olivia Munn! | ||
| Who's wearing the mask? | ||
| That is Gila Klein. | ||
| Olivia's not. | ||
| She's a gangster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at her in the front row. | |
| Fuck it. | ||
| Give me all the COVID. Meanwhile, people have been, look at this, outside with a mask on and everyone's tested. | ||
| That's what's so dumb. | ||
| So good. | ||
| No one knew what to do. | ||
| It's like, even still, to this day, the CDC says you can take your mask off when you're outside. | ||
| There's no evidence whatsoever that there's transmission outside. | ||
| And if you're vaccinated, you take a mask off inside or outside. | ||
| And California's like, I don't trust the CDC. Now California's saying no. | ||
| They want to go in a whole extra month with masks. | ||
| Like, what are we doing? | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| And honestly, half of these people are the people that are like, I have a therapist and I'm all about mental health and I'm all about... | ||
| And it's like, you know the worst thing for your mental health is just finding more reasons to stay inside and isolate yourself and get drunk on this self-righteous indignation. | ||
| And... | ||
| I just wanted to show there's a way to do this safely. | ||
| There's no proof that... | ||
| Okay, Joe, just... | ||
| Did you start the fires in... | ||
| Let's not start a Texas fire. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| It's weed. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| This is such a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is terrible. | |
| It's a terrible idea. | ||
| Here's that one time I came on your show, I smoked some weed, and I just disassociated. | ||
| Yeah, that's how it goes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's part of the problem. | ||
| If my mouth stops matching the words I'm saying, this is a good idea. | ||
| That's the kind of weed that'll make Chelsea Handler's healing come back. | ||
| Okay, this is going to cure my... | ||
| Her hearing went out from the Moderna. | ||
| Did you hear that, Jamie? | ||
| She put it on Twitter. | ||
| She put it on Twitter, right? | ||
| Yeah, I hope she's okay. | ||
| I mean, when I had COVID, I lost the taste, I lost the smell, and then I had some neurological shit. | ||
| I know you guys are going to say this is how you were before. | ||
| I didn't have a strong case, and I was like, you guys, seriously? | ||
| I can't remember stuff. | ||
| I don't remember my keys are. | ||
| You've always been a dumbass. | ||
| No, you're not a dumbass. | ||
| You're very smart, but you're crazy. | ||
| And I'm okay with that. | ||
| Yeah, you should be. | ||
| So play that real quick. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got my second shot of Moderna today and I feel really sick and it's only been four hours and I'm deaf in one ear. | |
| I thought I was gonna get sick tomorrow, but I feel sick. | ||
| Did this happen to other people? | ||
| Please tell me. | ||
| Well, first of all, we hope she's okay. | ||
| You know, all joking aside, we hope she's okay. | ||
| But I hope she didn't, you know, I hope that was it. | ||
| I mean, yeah, I do not... | ||
| The people that I know that had COVID and then took the vaccine after they had COVID, they had some pretty rough reactions, most of them that I know. | ||
| Yeah, I did the Johnson& Johnson the day before all that shit came out about the blood cuts. | ||
| I was supposed to do the Johnson& Johnson. | ||
| I was flying to the UFC, and they had allocated a certain amount of them for their employees. | ||
| But then when I got there, they go, you have to wait till Monday and do it in the hospital because of whatever regulations there are. | ||
| I was like, I can't stay till Monday. | ||
| I just want to get the fucking thing over with. | ||
| To me, it just was not, I could not spend any more of my mental energy perseverating about it. | ||
| And I was like, I just want to get on the fucking road and do what I do and be able to say, I'm vaccinated. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you say you're vaccinated, it alleviates so much concerns. | ||
| People are like, oh, you're on the good guy side. | ||
| It's just something that it's like, whether it's symbolic, whether it's, you know, sort of psychosomatic, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| And because you know what I found didn't work? | ||
| Because after I had COVID and when I had the antibodies and I would go on sets or go places, I'd be like, guys, I just had COVID. I have the antibodies. | ||
| No one felt safer when you said that. | ||
| You say vaccinated, they're like, oh, science. | ||
| Like they just hear the word and it's soothing. | ||
| It's like whatever the mental trick of saying, you know, people support, more people support, I think it's called assisted living than welfare, even though it's the same thing. | ||
| It's just the word. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Assisted living sounds like old people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why. | |
| It sounds like people that need your care. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| It's like the difference between a cable guy and a TV technician. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Technician sounds like someone who really knows what they're doing. | ||
| It's the same fucking thing. | ||
| Cable guy. | ||
| It's like that Jim Carrey dude. | ||
| Remember from that movie? | ||
| He was a psycho. | ||
| That was so fucking funny, dude. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| Jim Carrey, I was, I can't believe you brought this up, I was thinking about him the other fucking day, because I was thinking about comics, just sort of how Richard Pryor, if he came out gangbusters today, what the fuck would go on? | ||
| When we're now holding comedians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He would adjust. | |
| But holding comedians to the standard that we never said we would live up to. | ||
| We have always kept the bar for ourselves very low in terms of our behavior. | ||
| But I think guys like Richard Pryor, like the greats, whether it's Pryor or Kinison or anybody, I think they would adjust to the times. | ||
| And I think we're all trying to adjust to the times. | ||
| We're all trying to resonate with enough people that recognize that, like, yeah, we may misstep or may say stupid shit, and I'm certainly guilty of that a lot, but what we're trying to do is not that. | ||
| We're not trying to be assholes. | ||
| We're trying to be funny. | ||
| Separate the intention and the impact. | ||
| Or we're trying to think out loud. | ||
| That's the other thing. | ||
| We're trying to think, like, sometimes I'll say something and then I'll go, no, that doesn't make sense. | ||
| And then I have to go back and fix it. | ||
| But if you just cut it right there, then it looks really stupid. | ||
| Like, you have to put the whole thing together or it doesn't really represent what you're trying to say. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| But we do it to ourselves in this culture because we're still willing to do this. | ||
| And this is what's dangerous about it, but this is also what's good about it. | ||
| I guarantee you, I'll tell you this right now, if I was not me and I saw some of the dumb shit I said, I would 100% go after me. | ||
| I would do that. | ||
| I would go after me. | ||
| Because I know it's a good target. | ||
| As a comic, if someone says something really fucking stupid, you're like, that's a good target. | ||
| Fuck that dude. | ||
| I'm sorry, what do you know about what? | ||
| What do you know about this? | ||
| Where's your education? | ||
| And I would for sure mock me. | ||
| So I get it when other people do it. | ||
| I think there's a lot of people out there that are fans of comedy and the fear is that the emotional distress that some comics go through when they get attacked for their material is almost enough for them to quit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And we don't want that. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| We don't want that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| We want to know what your real intentions are. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And everyone I fuck with, they're good people. | ||
| That's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We see each other, we're super affectionate and friendly, there's so much love. | |
| I'm gonna steal from Joey Diaz and call you Joe Rogan. | ||
| Joe Rogan, you won't even know that you should get points for this and you would never even think that it was a nice thing to do, but Joe, you are the kindest This is why I say you have a Texas heart, like this big Texas heart. | ||
| This is such a fucking sick place for you to be. | ||
| It's such a match for you. | ||
| Every time I go to the commie store and, you know, an open mic or a young comedian that doesn't have any health insurance or any money, you know, needs a surgery, needs a flight home, something, I'm always like, oh, you know, let me help out on that. | ||
| And they're like, Joe handled it. | ||
| It's like the way you give to comics, the amount of comics who probably didn't kill themselves because they got a platform on your show or they were able to tour with you or whatever it is. | ||
| People are forgetting that comedians, as much as we've worked on ourselves and we can sort of function, the mental illness in our community is real intense. | ||
| It's very intense. | ||
| It's 100% of us. | ||
| I don't mean to attack. | ||
| I'm not trying to judge anyone. | ||
| As someone that self-identifies that struggles with... | ||
| You know, I've been in 12-step programs for almost 13 years now. | ||
| I'm recovering codependent and Al-Anon and all that shit. | ||
| And I was in, like, the fucking love addiction thing. | ||
| Like, you know, the mental... | ||
| And part of the reason I want to do these outdoor shows is because I was like, if I was fucking 25 and just about to be featuring or just about to get on a, you know, Rogan or whatever it was, and then they said you can't do comedy for a year... | ||
| It's really devastating. | ||
| I probably would have blown my fucking brains out, you know, to have any kind of momentum. | ||
| And the amount of... | ||
| I mean, all these comics that already didn't have fucking money. | ||
| And so I was like, let's just keep doing fucking shows. | ||
| And when people clown on me for taking my shirt off, like, totally, it's ridiculous. | ||
| And I'm in this dumb minimizer bra. | ||
| Annie Letterman said, where do you get your bras? | ||
| The Holocaust Museum... | ||
| What is a minimizer bra? | ||
| It just makes your boobs kind of like flatter. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Does that hurt? | ||
| Oh, that's not a minimizer bra. | ||
| This was like a thing that I was shooting. | ||
| There's a bunch of videos of her letting dudes grab her tips. | ||
| Well, because I'm so sick of not being able to touch people and connect with people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| And I was just, I'm trying to, not only is it like fun for me, but just calling people up on stage and fucking hugging them and going like, we can't be scared of each other anymore. | ||
| Like there's this new thing where it's just like, you know, everyone's like flinching when they see each other. | ||
| There's such a physical trauma. | ||
| And I'm just trying to show like, I'm not fucking scared. | ||
| We followed all the rules. | ||
| We can go back to being human beings again because this isn't fucking healthy. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| We definitely can go back to being human beings again. | ||
| Some people are resisting it. | ||
| And publicly, like the people that talk, they say, like Fauci said, we're never going to go back to shaking hands. | ||
| And some people said you shouldn't hug or you should keep a mask on forever. | ||
| Look, respectfully, I disagree. | ||
| I don't think this is wise. | ||
| I think there's a bunch of missing elements in this whole thing. | ||
| But one of them is that... | ||
| When you take away people's ability to touch each other and be around each other, you greatly diminish the pleasure of being alive. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's exactly right. | ||
| It's a big factor. | ||
| It's a big factor in what we do and who we are. | ||
| You can't just take it out. | ||
| It's like, okay, you're going to eat food, but you're not going to drink water. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| You're going to exercise, but you're not going to go to sleep. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| I can't do that. | ||
| I need to go to sleep. | ||
| You need all the elements of being a person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oxytocin. | |
| We need community. | ||
| We need comfort. | ||
| I bet if there was a chart of the anger in this country and the sadness, they all must have ramped up considerably over the last year. | ||
| And I think one of the good things about where we're at now is we have a real chance to consciously recognize that we may have all been kind of shitty to each other over the last year because we're all freaking out. | ||
| And let's instead of stop blaming each other, let's everybody just... | ||
| Everybody just go, okay, what's your intention? | ||
| My intention is to be a nice person and have a good time. | ||
| What's your intention? | ||
| I want to say, yeah, I wasn't proud of the way I behaved last weekend when I drank all that whiskey. | ||
| And everyone's like, cool, let's all go. | ||
| Tell me about that. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Because I saw the clips, but I'm like, I don't want to ask anybody until I see someone. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| That podcast that you guys did, Giannis Papas, you, and what happened? | ||
| Five and a half hours. | ||
| Who else was it? | ||
| Me, Giannis Papas, and Mark Norman. | ||
| Okay, what the fuck happened? | ||
| We burned every bridge in Hollywood. | ||
| It's coming out next week. | ||
| And we just went apeshit on fucking everyone. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Were you fucked up? | ||
| You guys did five and a half hours. | ||
| I had a couple of these hard kombuchas I do. | ||
| Hard kombuchas? | ||
| Have you ever had it? | ||
| It's like I'm healthy but I'm also a drunk. | ||
| I'm a macrobiotic junkie. | ||
| Hard kombucha. | ||
| That is so hilarious. | ||
| It's like drunk yoga. | ||
| I don't feel hungover. | ||
| The next day you take the shit of your life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Of your life. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| And I feel like I can't do hard liquor before I do stand-up, but I can have one of these when I'm on stage. | ||
| The shits of my life I used to take when I was drinking those kale shakes. | ||
| My god. | ||
| My god. | ||
| How do they compare with the- They were better than the carnivore diet ones. | ||
| Because the carnivore diet ones you couldn't control. | ||
| You were not controlling those. | ||
| It was like all of a sudden a fucking bomb went off in your apartment building and you're on the 10th floor and you have to make a decision whether you're jumping out the window. | ||
| But is it one a day or is it ongoing? | ||
| It's like out of nowhere you're like, oh fuck! | ||
| Like, you see that cat that jumped out of the window the other day? | ||
| The burning building? | ||
| A cat jumped five stories and landed on the ground. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Made it. | ||
| Walked away. | ||
| Cats are fucking insane. | ||
| Wild. | ||
| But that was where it was with me. | ||
| It was like, I might have to jump off this roof. | ||
| Like, there's no way I'm making it to the bathroom. | ||
| That sometimes happens to me right before I go on stage. | ||
| Oh, that's the best. | ||
| It's the nerves or something where you're... | ||
| They're like, and you know where from? | ||
| And you're like, oh... | ||
| I remember I was watching a documentary with Red Hot Chili Peppers, and Flea was on the toilet right before he went on stage, and he's like, there's nothing like a pre-performance shit. | ||
| And I was thinking there, as a person who analyzes physical performance, I was like, oh, that's probably a good idea to evacuate all your bowel. | ||
| Dissecting and of course I should really think of it as consideration of like different things I have to do before I go on stage I probably should actively seek to take a shit I should even time it so that when I go on stage I don't have anything that I'm like floating around inside my stomach where I might have to take a shit Let me ask you, because the first time I did a stand-up special, the first recording, I puked an hour before, and I never puked out of nerves in my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That makes sense. | |
| My body's like, we can't digest, we can't spend any energy on anything except this. | ||
| I have one solution that I do for the last three or four tapings. | ||
| I do hard cardio the day that I do the special. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Yeah, I do hard cardio. | ||
| Do you think it wears you out a little? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Chills you out. | ||
| So by the time you get on stage, you're not overly pumped. | ||
| Yeah, you're too pumped. | ||
| You know, you don't want to be nervous. | ||
| And hard cardio, it chills you out. | ||
| Because if you can get through, like, hard cardio makes you struggle for prolonged periods of time. | ||
| There's like weightlifting struggling, but it's kind of like easy. | ||
| It's like, and it's over. | ||
| There's a thing about the grind, about hard cardio, where you don't want to keep doing it, but you do keep doing it. | ||
| Because it's so hard to do. | ||
| And then when you go to stand up, it's like, this hard I know how to do. | ||
| Now I've already experienced much harder during the day. | ||
| So this hard is acceptable hard. | ||
| And my thing with specials is just do during the day the thing you've always done when you're doing an hour here. | ||
| Don't make it this special different thing. | ||
| I don't try to expend a lot of energy on people. | ||
| I don't talk to friends or family before the show. | ||
| I don't let anyone come, agents, managers. | ||
| I have everybody come. | ||
| I just won't talk to you before the show because I don't want to be giving and I wouldn't do that before a show at the Houston Improv or the Allison Improv. | ||
| It gets in the way. | ||
| I try to kind of just hang out with whoever's opening do the same thing I've always done so it doesn't feel like a different show so I'm relaxed and not putting too much pressure on but let me ask you something because during the pandemic I did pick up some good habits beside the looking like fucking the witch from Hunger Games I started rowing. | ||
| Oh rowing's beastly. | ||
| Dude, there's this thing called the Hydro, and it doesn't have that moldy-ass bucket of water in the front. | ||
| Oh, it doesn't? | ||
| I didn't like that. | ||
| Bucket of water. | ||
| That was gross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would want that to be blood and pretend I'm blade. | |
| Just elk blood splashing on your face. | ||
| I'm thinking of Blade. | ||
| I'm thinking of that opening scene. | ||
| By the way, one of the greatest opening scenes in the history of film. | ||
| The opening scene of Blade with Tracy Lourdes and Wesley Snipes. | ||
| Was she a porn star? | ||
| Am I making that up? | ||
| She wasn't just a porn star. | ||
| She was the first porn star to cross over into mainstream movies. | ||
| She was in John Waters' movie. | ||
| She was in Blade. | ||
| And she had a big role in Blade. | ||
| So she was a vampire in the beginning of Blade. | ||
| Go to the beginning of it because she picks this dude up in a car. | ||
| Oh, is that where it starts? | ||
| She's super hot and so she was driving this this guy around in a car and she picks him up and he's like wow I'm going back to this party with this hot chick and they get into this warehouse and I fucking I love this movie But I love this opening scene like it's one of my favorite opening scenes in any movie. | ||
| I'm seeing this for the first time. | ||
| This is what it is So they're going around. | ||
| We could talk, we'll do it. | ||
| We'll do it like a fight companion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love this shit. | |
| So he takes her down, or excuse me, she takes, Tracy Lords takes this dude, this like California bro, down into this basement party. | ||
| So they're going through this meat locker. | ||
| So there's this hanging meat. | ||
| The tension is so intense. | ||
| One of them looks like a fucking human body and he's like, what? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| So they're going through here, see? | ||
| Look at all the meat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yup. | |
| And then look, he sees that one. | ||
| Looks like a fucking human body. | ||
| Guess what, Whitney Cummings, because it is. | ||
| That's you. | ||
| But he wants to fuck. | ||
| See, there's all these bodies hanging there! | ||
| And he's like, what's happening? | ||
| So he's like, listen, this girl's so hot, I'm going to go with her. | ||
| Oh, I see him, I see him, yep. | ||
| This is totally realistic. | ||
| This is how stupid men are. | ||
| So she kisses him, and he's like, oh my god. | ||
| And this guy's smiling, and then they go into the room. | ||
| And when they get into this fucking room, it's all dancers and vampires. | ||
| And he doesn't know they're vampires. | ||
| He thinks it's just a bunch of people dancing. | ||
| And everybody's having a good fucking time. | ||
| And there he is, partying it up with Tracy Lourdes, and then somewhere out of nowhere... | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| And so, then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, some blood comes out of the ceiling. | ||
| Fuck, fuck. | ||
| You haven't seen this? | ||
| No! | ||
| Give it a little juice. | ||
| So all of a sudden, people are being mean to him. | ||
| Leave it right there. | ||
| So, watch this. | ||
| So people are being mean to him, and then he just feels some blood on him. | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| And he's like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| Not good. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| It's dripping. | ||
| He's trying to figure out where it's coming from. | ||
| Why is he licking it? | ||
| Because he's trying to figure out what the fuck it is. | ||
| It's dark. | ||
| That's right, Jamie. | ||
| So this is madness. | ||
| I just learned I'm getting a blowjob all wrong. | ||
| Some lady's giving head on a couch to a vampire. | ||
| And so he's like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| Now watch this. | ||
| This is where it gets crazy. | ||
| He looks up and he realizes it's the sprinkler system. | ||
| The sprinkler system's got blood in it. | ||
| So as it comes spraying down on these people, and it's all this... | ||
| Dude, this is what I do with baby blood for my skin. | ||
| You hear the music? | ||
| You do that? | ||
| You're doing that baby blood? | ||
| Yeah, the adrenochrome. | ||
| I just have a sprinkler. | ||
| I just spray it all over my face. | ||
| That's that Northern California tech money shit. | ||
| So they're all dancing, so watch this. | ||
| It's like, ah! | ||
| And then he realizes, like, oh my god, they're fucking vampires. | ||
| So they all turn, their fangs are out, and he's freaking out, and Tracy Lord screams in his face. | ||
| This isn't good for him. | ||
| Oh, it's not good. | ||
| He knows the end is near. | ||
| He's in a jam. | ||
| He's up against the ropes. | ||
| The fucking end is near. | ||
| Like, oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay, so, okay. | ||
| So they start beating his ass. | ||
| He's gonna lose this. | ||
| Oh, it's not good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not good. | |
| Everything's going poor. | ||
| Poorly. | ||
| Poorly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom. | |
| He gets hit. | ||
| They throw him down. | ||
| They start beating the fuck out of him. | ||
| But then, watch. | ||
| Right when he thinks it's over, he's trying to crawl to safety. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| Blade is here. | ||
| And all the vampires are scared of Blade. | ||
| Because Blade is half vampire and half human. | ||
| They call him the Daywalker. | ||
| Is that Wesley Snipes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's Wesley Snipes. | |
| Oh shit! | ||
| In his fucking prime. | ||
| He's a vampire that doesn't pay taxes. | ||
| How do you fuck with that? | ||
| That's exactly what he is! | ||
| The IRS is scared of this guy. | ||
| First of all, I was a giant comic dork when I was a kid and Blade was one of my favorites because he had teak knives. | ||
| They were made out of wood so he could stab the vampires. | ||
| It has to be wood to kill him, right? | ||
| Not in this movie. | ||
| They changed it up. | ||
| They made new rules. | ||
| It was silver. | ||
| Wesley Snipes fucks up all these vampires. | ||
| Stick with the vampire facts. | ||
| Spoiler alert. | ||
| Wesley Snipes kicks the vampire's asses. | ||
| I was trying to find you. | ||
| There was this French movie I watched ages ago. | ||
| I used to be really into esoteric independent movies. | ||
| The vampire one with the little kid? | ||
| There's one, this must be 15 years old, where a woman, she goes around and, like, fucks guys and slowly eats them while she's fucking them. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| And they show it all, and it is fucking, it is wild. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| I'm trying to figure it out. | ||
| And there's, I'm going to be real, there's something sexy about it. | ||
| Listen, one of the sexiest horror films ever is a woman doing that to men. | ||
| It's Scarlett Johansson, Under the Skin. | ||
| Oh yeah, I never saw it. | ||
| Anything she does is fucking hot. | ||
| But it's crazy. | ||
| She plays this alien. | ||
| Raw. | ||
| Okay, this isn't it. | ||
| I have seen this, but there's one. | ||
| It's a French name, and I don't want to be Googling while I'm on the Joe Rogan program, but I'll find it for you later. | ||
| He's a one-handed Googler like a motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, there's something fucking hot about blood, and no one will talk about it, but I'm happy to say it. | ||
| Well, hot female vampires, but actually hot male vampires, right? | ||
| Like Gary Oldman, the whole thing about that movie, that Dracula, was his romance with Winona Ryder. | ||
| That was a big part of that movie. | ||
| That was his beloved. | ||
| He wanted to come back for her. | ||
| He wanted her to become a vampire with him. | ||
| He wasn't sure whether or not he should turn her. | ||
| He loved her so much, he didn't know whether he should turn her into a vampire. | ||
| Well, and one of the biggest fucking movies of all time for the youngins is Twilight. | ||
| It's hot as fuck. | ||
| I'm going to tell you something. | ||
| It is hot as fuck. | ||
| I came back from Dubai. | ||
| I was on a plane. | ||
| This must have been 12 years ago. | ||
| It was like me, Kirk Fox, Dwayne Perkins, Rusty Dooley, whoever. | ||
| We all went to Dubai and we're sitting in the last... | ||
| Coach row. | ||
| And in those flights, there's like 12 seats in the middle row. | ||
| And we're stuck in the middle. | ||
| I have nothing to fucking do. | ||
| I'm going crazy. | ||
| There's like chickens on the plane. | ||
| I don't even know what the fuck's happening. | ||
| When you take a plane from the Middle East, it's just wild. | ||
| And there's no seat assignments. | ||
| Everyone just runs and gets the best seat. | ||
| It's chaos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Southwest. | |
| A giant Southwest with chickens. | ||
| So, and I started watching Twilight, and it is so hot because he's a vampire, she's human, and there's something so hot in our fucking bones about he could kill us at any fucking moment. | ||
| Yeah, women are ridiculous. | ||
| Imagine thinking like that about women. | ||
| Imagine wanting to date tigers. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| And I don't know if just because if women are on birth control, apparently our olfactory glands change because our body thinks it's pregnant. | ||
| So we're attracted when we're on birth control to more risk-taking alpha type men. | ||
| Oh, that completely makes sense. | ||
| Fascinating. | ||
| Yeah, like your baby needs to be protected even though you don't have one. | ||
| And so they say... | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Exactly what it is. | ||
| And they say that if you're on birth control and you get engaged, wait a year and see if you still want to fuck him. | ||
| Go off birth control, see if you still want to fuck this guy. | ||
| Oh, that's interesting. | ||
| It totally changes. | ||
| I did a bit about it in my HBO special about how I went on birth control and everyone's like, I gained weight, I did this. | ||
| And I'm like, I started wanting to fuck guys that wore Axe body spray and had chain wallets. | ||
| You know, because you start being attracted to... | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Since when? | ||
| Listen, I'm a longtime supporter of the fanny pack. | ||
| I'm a longtime sufferer. | ||
| Can I tell you something? | ||
| You can. | ||
| I wear this fucking fanny pack you gave me. | ||
| It's pretty dope, right? | ||
| All the time. | ||
| People stop me on the street. | ||
| They usually are men with low ponytails, but they fucking love it. | ||
| I keep my charge charger on one side and my drugs on the other side. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I got that from Dice Clay. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Dice Clay came in with sweatpants, the most comfortable man alive. | ||
| He came in just loose. | ||
| And he had this fanny pack on. | ||
| I go, dude, that is a fucking sweet fanny pack. | ||
| Because I've always worn fanny packs. | ||
| But yours hugs the body. | ||
| Yeah, it's a good one. | ||
| But it's not mine. | ||
| It's Roots. | ||
| So what it is is he was wearing one. | ||
| I said, where'd you get that? | ||
| He said, oh, Roots makes it. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| So he gives me this fucking fanny pack. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| And it's a really nice one. | ||
| Yes, that's it. | ||
| So the origin of the higher primate fanny pack is the great and powerful Andrew Dice Clay. | ||
| But look at this. | ||
| It's got my Higher Primate logo smushed into it. | ||
| But it also has two pockets in the front. | ||
| Yes, his does too. | ||
| His does too. | ||
| Literally, it's 100% made by Roots. | ||
| It's their design. | ||
| It's the best fanny pack I've ever had. | ||
| But a lot of fanny packs, they make you just look like a fupa because they sag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| They come out too much. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| This thing's perfect. | ||
| You can put your keys in there, you got your wallet in there, everything's fine, and you don't feel like an asshole. | ||
| You don't have like a giant float tube in front of you. | ||
| You can also put it on your back, which is kind of cool. | ||
| You definitely could do that. | ||
| I'll put it on my back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's also high quality. | ||
| I feel like people that make fanny packs are like, we know the people buying these are poor, so they make them shitty. | ||
| Dude, when I was a kid, when I was 19 years old, me and this girl that I was dating would sit in my fucking car and listen to Andrew Dice Clay's cassette and howl laughing. | ||
| So just to know that dude and to have him recommend, oh, get this, it's fucking Roots! | ||
| It's from Canada! | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Dude, my favorite Dice shit is one time he was at, you know on Mondays, I don't know if they're still down at the Comedy Store now that they're kind of half open or whatever. | ||
| They're going to be fully open Monday. | ||
| Wild, I haven't been yet. | ||
| I've been here. | ||
| Fully open on Monday. | ||
| We're doing a show tonight, right? | ||
| Yeah, Creek in the Cave. | ||
| Yeah, Creek in the Cave is outstanding. | ||
| And then I'm doing Creek in the Cave and then I'm hopping over to Sunset Strip down the street. | ||
| Yeah, I want to see that place too. | ||
| Yeah, I think I'm going to go between shows. | ||
| Do they have an 8 and a 10? | ||
| How crazy is the Austin comedy scene already? | ||
| Dude, I always fucking love coming here. | ||
| I think I was gonna do South... | ||
| Did you ever do South by Southwest? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| They had a fucking great comedy section of their festival. | ||
| I don't love doing outdoor comedy. | ||
| Do you know what they offered me? | ||
| They offered me free tickets to see other shows. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Yeah, they don't pay you. | ||
| They don't even pay to fly you out there or put you up. | ||
| They offered me free tickets to see other people work for free. | ||
| Your friends? | ||
| Go what? | ||
| I was like, what kind of an amazing Ponzi scheme do you guys have? | ||
| You should get Bernie Madoff out of jail right now. | ||
| Oh, he's dead. | ||
| Didn't he just die? | ||
| Here's the other thing about- Did Bernie just die? | ||
| Madoff? | ||
| Yeah, he just died. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I don't feel bad. | ||
| Is that weird? | ||
| No, you shouldn't feel bad. | ||
| I bet he doesn't feel bad. | ||
| Didn't his son kill himself? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I think another person killed himself too in the organization. | ||
| It's a horrible, horrible, horrible story. | ||
| I've talked to people that really understand finance and they explained it to me. | ||
| These people, it's so rare to get that many super rich people and have them completely duped by a Ponzi scheme. | ||
| And that's what was so crazy about it, that he was so good and he had such a high return for so many years and so many people were coming to him that he constantly had this money coming in. | ||
| Which is to me, I get fascinated by when people, he's obviously a brilliant guy. | ||
| He's obviously super talented. | ||
| I get fascinated and a fucking hard-of-shit worker just in the wrong direction. | ||
| I get fascinated going like, well, this person's worth that ethic is fucking incredible and I'm impressed by this person, but you could have done it the right way with how smart you are. | ||
| Yeah, but he's not that smart. | ||
| Because if he was that smart, he wouldn't be stealing from people. | ||
| See, he's got energy. | ||
| Like, think of it as a car. | ||
| Think of it as a car, right? | ||
| Imagine if you had a car that handled like a 1968 Ford truck, right? | ||
| They're kind of sloppy on the road, but it went fast in a straight line like a Tesla. | ||
| It's like it's got one thing that it does really good, but it can't handle. | ||
| So it doesn't have emotions or empathy. | ||
| It doesn't care about other people. | ||
| It's stealing from people, but figuring out how to do it with this thing that requires pretty intense calculation and computation because he's trying to figure out how to manipulate all this money to make it look like he's investing things without showing people how he's investing things. | ||
| And all this money is getting returned to these people, but if they ask for money, he's fucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And that's what happened in 2008. And maybe because he's a psychopath or sociopath and lacks everything. | |
| To me, I just can't lie because it's too emotionally exhausting. | ||
| The idea of lying that much to that many people is, to me, so much work. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| He got attached to people that were valuable. | ||
| That's one of the things that happened with that guy. | ||
| He got attached to people with high standards. | ||
| I think he ripped off Steven Spielberg. | ||
| Did he rip off Steven Spielberg? | ||
| I think Leonardo DiCaprio, if I'm not... | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| But Steven Spielberg is a... | ||
| He's a fucking icon. | ||
| If you rip Steven Spielberg, if Steven Spielberg invests his money with Bernie Maynoff, you're like, oh, we're good. | ||
| That's Jaws. | ||
| How can you say, like, I'm going to go rob the guy that made E.T.? Because he doesn't think he's robbing him. | ||
| Because he doesn't think it's ever going to end. | ||
| Because he's a crazy person. | ||
| But is this somebody that has convinced... | ||
| I'm obsessed with intention versus impact, and if you have a... | ||
| What's so insidious to me is the people that actually think they're doing the right thing. | ||
| A lot of people that steal, and we know ones that have stole from comedy clubs and stuff, they think they deserve it. | ||
| Right, they think that they should have gotten extra money, so they'll just steal it. | ||
| It should have been me, and they don't deserve as much as they have, so they feel like they're Robin Hood. | ||
| In their mind, they've deluded themselves, right? | ||
| I don't think they're going, I'm doing a fucking bad thing today. | ||
| I think they're like, this is what I deserve. | ||
| Well, there's also people that steal, like, from stores. | ||
| For the high. | ||
| Yeah, and also because they can get away with it. | ||
| But this is, like, a disassociative thing, right? | ||
| You're not thinking of the people you're stealing from as a person. | ||
| You're thinking that it's ultimately... | ||
| It's the same way we justify... | ||
| In a way, it's the same way we justify our country doing things in other countries, right? | ||
| Even military actions, we justify because it's not one person, it's sort of a collective, and there's a diffusion of responsibility involved with all these people. | ||
| But there's almost like a reverse diffusion of responsibility when it's you and it gets distributed. | ||
| All the loss gets distributed through a lot of people. | ||
| So a lot of people that are poor that steal things, they're not even thinking they're stealing from a person. | ||
| You can dehumanize a group. | ||
| Stealing from some fucking 7-Eleven. | ||
| They got plenty of money. | ||
| It's like this thing that happens. | ||
| Yeah, when I think 7-Eleven, I think they're just rolling in cash. | ||
| Yeah, they're stealing money. | ||
| Give me that fucking cigarette. | ||
| If someone swipes a candy bar or something like that, they're not being evil, but they have dehumanized the process of exchange. | ||
| And there is a level, yeah, of like justice sort of warrior vibe. | ||
| I definitely get that. | ||
| And I know that in sitting in so many 12-step program addiction meetings, like shoplifting is a real big high for a lot of people too. | ||
| And that I'm getting over one. | ||
| The adrenaline you get from doing graffiti in public places, stealing, like putting a leather jacket under the, like getting away, getting one over is like a big endorphin rush. | ||
| Did you ever bust it stealing something? | ||
| I've never... | ||
| I stole... | ||
| Okay, so my... | ||
| I'm actually going to go back and apologize. | ||
| I'm not even joking. | ||
| Because it fucking haunts me. | ||
| It haunts me to this day. | ||
| You know that one of the seven wonders of the world, correct me, Jamie, is that it's called Natural Bridge in West Virginia. | ||
| And I spent a lot of time in West Virginia as a kid. | ||
| My dad managed a hotel there. | ||
| And we went to a place called Natural Bridge. | ||
| And I shoplifted. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| Native American jewelry! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| No! | ||
| You stole double. | ||
| You double stole. | ||
| I mean, here's the word. | ||
| I double stole. | ||
| You double stole. | ||
| You stole the land. | ||
| To be fair, it might have been fake. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| It might have just been stolen designs by white people that I then stole back, which just balances everything out. | ||
| But yeah, I stole all these because I'm obsessed with horses and I found all these. | ||
| It was a Native American. | ||
| I'd have to look up the tribe in that area. | ||
| These like beaded necklaces that were in the shape of horses and I want them so bad and I stole them. | ||
| Well, how old were you? | ||
| Seven? | ||
| I was having this conversation... | ||
| I don't think you're responsible. | ||
| I was having this conversation with Lex Friedman today, and we were talking about student loan debt. | ||
| Because he was listening to a podcast that I did, and we were discussing on the podcast the amount of people that owe student loans. | ||
| And it's somewhere in the neighborhood of 40 million people. | ||
| It's some insane number. | ||
| And it gets higher every year you can't afford to pay it. | ||
| And they owe trillions of dollars overall. | ||
| And we were talking about it, and I said, in a way, it's kind of like... | ||
| We know, scientifically, we understand the development of the human brain. | ||
| Your frontal cortex doesn't fully develop until you're somewhere in the neighborhood of like 20-something years old, 25. Different from men, I think. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| I'm not allowed to say men and women, sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Whatever it is, it's like it's in your 20s. | ||
| But yet by that time, you could be hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loans and not understand the consequences of this. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Not totally be able to wrap your head up. | ||
| Imagine going from high school to hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of debt in a period of 10 to 20 months. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Like out of nowhere, all of a sudden you owe all this money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right. | ||
| Now you're 20, 21 years old. | ||
| You're still a child, essentially. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Now you're going to grad school. | ||
| You're making the biggest decision of your life and you're putting yourself in an emotional and physical prison for the rest of your life. | ||
| And you're in this place where you're like, okay, now I have to go to grad school. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Because I want a PhD, because whatever I want to do. | ||
| I want a master's. | ||
| And you're going into that and you're like, now you're more into debt. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And now you get out and you're 25 and your occupation is evaporating for whatever reason. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because? | |
| Because machines took over. | ||
| I'm an eye surgeon. | ||
| Well, they have a little machine to do that now. | ||
| Lex Freeman probably fucking made it. | ||
| The machine. | ||
| The average debt for dental school graduates is $292,000. | ||
| And then how much do they make a year? | ||
| So how much do they make a year? | ||
| And how much can they... | ||
| Actually pay off per year, plus the interest they're getting charged every year. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Imagine having that hanging over your fucking head when you get out of school. | ||
| Right when you get out, you owe $292,169 on average. | ||
| That's so insane. | ||
| That is wild. | ||
| And it also deters people from wanting to get educated. | ||
| It deters the very people that need to get educated. | ||
| Because a lot of people that aren't going to afford to go to these schools probably already have a job waiting for them at fucking Goldman Sachs or whatever. | ||
| My boyfriend is a critical care veterinarian. | ||
| And he doesn't have as much debt. | ||
| He paid a lot of it down. | ||
| But most people that are in their late 30s that are in the highest specialty veterinary school have $400,000 of debt. | ||
| And they just want to fucking save dogs. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| $400,000 in debt. | ||
| Here's the wacky part about it. | ||
| You can't get out of that. | ||
| You can't get out of that through bankruptcy. | ||
| It's one of the only kind of debts that you can't get out of. | ||
| Say if you have a business, you open up a fucking hat business with matches coming out of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
With matches? | |
| I'd be a fucking billionaire. | ||
| You'd be rolling in that cheddar. | ||
| If I go to LA and make them think that they're part of Texas culture, even though they hate Texas, they all dress like they live here now, but they loathe it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| They wear cowboy boots up and down Los Feliz Boulevard, but they're like, fuck Texas! | ||
| They're just not here. | ||
| Wherever you're at, if you're in Detroit, you're like, fuck Florida. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's just how it is. | ||
| Florida has some of the most beautiful beaches on the fucking planet. | ||
| I love Florida, dude. | ||
| Florida's amazing. | ||
| I'm going to perform in Clearwater. | ||
| I like their governor. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| I said it. | ||
| I don't know who she is. | ||
| Ron DeSantis. | ||
| It's a boy, you fucking sexist piece of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry, I am. | |
| I don't believe in gender. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just assumed. | |
| I don't see gender. | ||
| You just assumed it was a girl because women are better, huh? | ||
| How does he identify? | ||
| He identifies as a male. | ||
| His name's Ron. | ||
| He's deluded and he will be a female any day now. | ||
| A girl named Ron. | ||
| I mean, I imagine a guy would figure it out. | ||
| For sure, if she's hot. | ||
| If there was just a stripper and her stage name was Ron. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| I'm like, okay. | ||
| But why is, like, Billy sexy on a girl? | ||
| Like, Billy, that's a hot girl name. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| Guys do not give a fuck about your name. | ||
| Like, your name could be... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ross! | |
| Your name could just be... | ||
| We don't care if you're hot and you're nice. | ||
| Like, why do you have to say her name like that? | ||
| That's what she wants, man. | ||
| Respect what she wants. | ||
| Ronnie works for girls sometimes. | ||
| I've known multiple Ronnies. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| You're right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're right. | |
| They don't have teeth, but they're lovely. | ||
| Ronda, for sure. | ||
| Ronda. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Ronda's hot. | ||
| Ron. | ||
| Ronnie. | ||
| Ron. | ||
| This is Ron. | ||
| My friend Ron. | ||
| My friend, no, Ronald. | ||
| You are a... | ||
| Harry. | ||
| Harry does not work. | ||
| Harry is a man's name that does not work on a woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For a girl. | |
| Right. | ||
| Harry. | ||
| Bob, I don't think. | ||
| Because it's Harry. | ||
| Harry is Harry. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| It's not much difference between hair... | ||
| That's all I think is hair. | ||
| ...or Harry. | ||
| H-A-R-R-Y. That's a no-go. | ||
| This is my friend Harry. | ||
| Naming a baby Harry as a girl would be so funny. | ||
| That's evil. | ||
| That's a boy named Sue. | ||
| That's what Johnny Cash's dad did to him. | ||
| I'm only naming my kids joke names. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Their last name will be Cummings. | ||
| So they're already fucked. | ||
| I might as well just really... | ||
| Call it one of them already? | ||
| Do you know? | ||
| Do you know? | ||
| Unexpectedly. | ||
| This is my son unexpectedly. | ||
| Two things. | ||
| This is his sister already. | ||
| You know that my mom and dad, before they got married, my mom's main name was Cumming with no S. Married Eric Cummings with an S. She's Patty Cumming. | ||
| What? | ||
| Swear to God. | ||
| What? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Why didn't she hyphenate? | ||
| What is she, a fucking sexist? | ||
| It must have... | ||
| She should have done... | ||
| Well, by the way, how about this? | ||
| My dude... | ||
| That might be the only excuse to never hyphenate, because we could just meet in the middle. | ||
| I'd be willing to drop the S. I'm like, fuck this S. I don't need that S. A lot of people are merging last names instead of, like, I'm not going to take my husband. | ||
| Yeah, they should jump into a volcano. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| The fuck out of here. | ||
| I kind of want to, because if my dude's last name is Barnes, and if we merge it, I'd become Barnes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft! | |
| Which I think might be worth it, Whitney Cumbarn. | ||
| I feel like we should. | ||
| I'm a feminist, my last name is Cumbarn. | ||
| Yeah, that should be your Tyler New York special, coming in a barn. | ||
| Yeah, Texas! | ||
| We're live from Texas! | ||
| Fucking cowboy hat and spurs and shit. | ||
| A lot of southern women, they have their first orgasm, horse girls on a horse, just saying. | ||
| Oh, well that is a thing, right? | ||
| It's a big thing. | ||
| That's a thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Girls and horses is a real thing. | ||
| I've heard that. | ||
| It's like a secret. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you can figure out. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| I grew up riding horses. | ||
| There's a certain point where you're like, wait a second. | ||
| I'd like to go for a six-hour trail ride. | ||
| Wear a pair of satin underwear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| Oh, I've never. | ||
| I'm MeUndies all the way. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You want something slick. | ||
| Do you know the... | ||
| Right, if you're on a horse? | ||
| I'm not a girl, but if I would imagine, that's how you do it. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Yeah, something satin. | ||
| Something real silk. | ||
| Silk, that's what I meant to say. | ||
| I love guys talking sexy. | ||
| That's sexy talk for me. | ||
| That's how I do it. | ||
| Do you get your wife a satin teddy for... | ||
| I like that guys are so programmed to see shiny satin and they're like, yeah! | ||
| I've thought about this a lot. | ||
| What is lingerie saying? | ||
| Lingerie saying, I 100% want to fuck. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm not saying that if a girl says no, you... | ||
| No, I'm saying I want to fuck in 45 minutes after you look at my lingerie. | ||
| Don't tear it off. | ||
| Don't touch it. | ||
| Don't get crazy. | ||
| Don't come on it. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| You've got to know the difference between the cheap and the expensive. | ||
| The cheap one from Amazon that's got... | ||
| So communication is key. | ||
| No, you've just got to look at it and know the quality. | ||
| The one that was made at the wet market that you bought on Amazon, that one you can rip off. | ||
| It's shitty, it's cheap. | ||
| But if it's the fancy stuff that looks like... | ||
| I'm such a feminist, but now I'm going to tie myself into a corset. | ||
| Okay, but honestly, I'm not defending feminists, but I am. | ||
| Isn't that part of being a feminist is that you can choose to be sexy and vulnerable if you want to? | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| See, this is where I think everything gets fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're right. | |
| When people think about what it means to be a feminist, you think, oh, it means like a dominant woman that wants to compete with men and win. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Maybe it's just a person who just wants autonomy. | ||
| You want to be able to do whatever you actually like. | ||
| So if you want to dress in lingerie and wear high heels because you like it, isn't that part of what's being feminist? | ||
| And isn't the resistance to that is kind of like a lot of player hating. | ||
| It's like girls who are jealous about maybe girls who can achieve a certain look that they can't because of their body or because of just who they are, whatever it is. | ||
| There's a little weirdness going on. | ||
| You have to be a feminist, you have to be drab. | ||
| I mean, this is just the stereotypes, obviously. | ||
| But you have to be a woman who doesn't tolerate any masculine horse shit, any of the dumb stuff. | ||
| But some women like masculine horse shit. | ||
| And men like feminine horse shit. | ||
| Men like dumb shit, right? | ||
| Jamie, back me up here. | ||
| A little bit? | ||
| A little bit? | ||
| I just talked about this on my podcast about how there's this new thing now where feminism... | ||
| Are you talking into your neck like this? | ||
| Why am I? I have a hole in my neck from smoking so much academy. | ||
| I remember the old Bill Hicks joke. | ||
| Bill Hicks had a bit he used to do where he used to stick a thing and talk about smoking. | ||
| Okay, because there were commercials in the 90s with them. | ||
| Those guys would get that thing. | ||
| Have you ever talked to a guy who has one of these? | ||
| Have you ever talked to a guy who has one? | ||
| I don't even know they do those anymore. | ||
| No, but I did have a track coach in high school that had shot his face off trying to commit suicide. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Yeah, it was rough. | ||
| Hard to look at. | ||
| It made me run faster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He would run beside us and you'd just play Jesus Christ. | |
| And maybe run faster is the funniest thing anyone can ever say about Steven in the guy's face who got shot. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He made me run faster. | |
| This is waiting for you in your return. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ, I got it, I got it. | ||
| Oh my god, that's so funny. | ||
| But you know how when someone shoots a gun, a lot of people that try to commit suicide, they don't know that the gun's going to jerk. | ||
| And so he tried to commit suicide like this and it jerked and it just shot his face off. | ||
| That's why you're supposed to do it in your mouth, right? | ||
| So it doesn't... | ||
| Yeah, or don't be a pussy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or just, I don't know. | ||
| Just hold it still. | ||
| Jump off a bridge like an adult. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Oh, you just said that. | ||
| A friend of mine just did that. | ||
| Sorry, but I'm gonna make you feel bad. | ||
| Okay, I'd have to know who the person is, and I'd have to see their old tweets to know if I support that decision. | ||
| I don't think he had a Twitter. | ||
| He was an older guy. | ||
| It's brutal. | ||
| Good friend of mine, though. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Golden Gate Bridge. | ||
| No, I was just gonna say, I watched that documentary about the people that jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, and it's fucked. | ||
| Yeah, I say he's a good friend of mine, but I appreciate people that I don't talk to all the time, unfortunately. | ||
| I thought they had nets now. | ||
| Don't they have nets? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no, no, no. | |
| There's no net. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| How many people a year jump off the Golden Gate Bridge? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Enough. | ||
| It's an issue. | ||
| Because for some people, it's the abyss, right? | ||
| There's something about the allure of the abyss. | ||
| You ever heard that expression? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| There's something that people see when they look off the side of a building that really freaks them out. | ||
| And part of what it is is that it freaks out this desire to just leap and end it. | ||
| Which to me is really fascinating because I'm obsessed with ancestral trauma and the phobias we inherit, the guilt we inherit, stuff like that. | ||
| Like the famous cherry blossom experiment. | ||
| I couldn't tell you who did it, but where... | ||
| They electrocuted a rat every time it smelled cherry blossoms. | ||
| And the rat's offspring, when it smelled cherry blossoms, would recoil and run to the other side of the cage. | ||
| It was an inherited fear. | ||
| And, you know, babies recoil at a photo of a spider, even though they don't know what the fuck a spider is. | ||
| They just know that that... | ||
| I have friends that are so terrifyingly scared of heights. | ||
| And others, you know, my boyfriend's a rock climber. | ||
| He'll just climb to the fucking top. | ||
| But isn't it just that he's, like, conquering the fear that everyone has and then minimizing it with experience, right? | ||
| Because everyone's scared to fall off of a cliff. | ||
| Everyone is. | ||
| But some people, when they approach any kind of real challenge, they go, yeah, we're all terrified of that. | ||
| But if I can navigate it, wouldn't that make me less terrified of things? | ||
| Wouldn't that make me more empowered about how I live my own life? | ||
| Like what I was talking about earlier about hard cardio the day you do filming. | ||
| Because there's the adrenaline of that film. | ||
| There's some fear. | ||
| But what fear is it? | ||
| It's not going to be like minute 36 on the fucking stair climber when you're listening to Led Zeppelin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you just want to quit. | |
| But you're going to keep going. | ||
| You're going to keep going. | ||
| You're going to burn yourself out. | ||
| You're going to push yourself to this weird place. | ||
| Right. | ||
| All that stuff, I think, gets encoded in our memory. | ||
| All of it. | ||
| Or our DNA. Yeah, whatever it is. | ||
| The epigenetic imprinting. | ||
| I'm fascinated by people's fear of public speaking. | ||
| You and I do not have that. | ||
| Yeah, but I did when I was young. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I was scared to talk to bank tellers. | ||
| I used to get social anxiety. | ||
| I was when I was poor, too. | ||
| Well, it wasn't even just that I was poor. | ||
| I was just weird. | ||
| I was real weird. | ||
| The glass and the... | ||
| I mean, it is, you know, to me, I think... | ||
| I read this whole thing. | ||
| It wasn't in Sapiens. | ||
| I read it in some book that I'm sure you've fucking read a hundred times, but about how our fear of public speaking is based in that if you are speaking in front of people, that means you are making your case to the tribe. | ||
| No, I learned about this from you. | ||
| Right? | ||
| You told me this. | ||
| Yeah, you told me this. | ||
| And I was like, oh, that makes total sense. | ||
| So much sense. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You were fucked. | ||
| Yeah, so I'm fascinated by, there are some things I feel, and I know that I grew up in a dysfunctional alcoholic home where, you know, the chaos was very normal, and so for me, I feel very alive in a time of crisis, and I feel anxious when things are going smoothly because I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop, you know? | ||
| But I feel very comfortable in front of thousands of people who may or may not run on stage and hit me. | ||
| I think that for rock climbers, it's like, and comedians, my fear of not doing comedy It just outweighs my fear of going on stage and being embarrassed. | ||
| I see what you're saying there, and I agree with it. | ||
| What you said when you talked about talking in front of people, that if historically that was going on, you were fucked. | ||
| You're in real trouble. | ||
| I agree with that, but I also think there's another aspect of it. | ||
| The other aspect of it is you wanting to be the alpha. | ||
| You wanting to be the person that talks in front of all of these people. | ||
| Like if someone pays to see your show, they're seeing you do stand-up for a whole hour where you talk and they do not. | ||
| And it's very hard for people to do. | ||
| And some people can't. | ||
| And those are hecklers. | ||
| Some people just can't hang. | ||
| And also, not only are you coming to watch me talk, you're paying to watch me talk. | ||
| And if you say anything, security will remove you from the building. | ||
| Even though you pay. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| They'll kick you out if you disrupt and make it all about you. | ||
| Yeah, it's kind of wild. | ||
| To me, it's all about body language. | ||
| And this is why I'm so into horses and dog training and horse body language. | ||
| Didn't you try to save some bears while you were out here? | ||
| I did. | ||
| Texas, I fucking love Texas. | ||
| I got an angry text from Whitney about bears. | ||
| I love you guys. | ||
| She's saving bears out here. | ||
| She's mad at people. | ||
| I'm like, whoa. | ||
| Are you having fights already? | ||
| I fucking love Texas. | ||
| But when you have Texas and West Virginia, you're ready to fight anyone at any time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And there are a lot... | ||
| There's an incredible amount of... | ||
| Animal cruelty in Texas that to me is against what Texas is all about. | ||
| Like, putting bears in boxes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was it called? | |
| The Central Capital? | ||
| It was called the Capital Texas Zoo. | ||
| It's right fucking out here. | ||
| There's bears in cages. | ||
| The ones that the Chinese use to do the gallbladders. | ||
| Take them, you know, like the gallbladder, some medicine. | ||
| And they're in these cages and there's no water. | ||
| You mean black bears? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll show you. | |
| It must be a black bear. | ||
| Yes, I got the name. | ||
| Do you know that gallbladder thing is like, it's so bad that you're not allowed to, even if you legally hunt a bear, you can't open up its organ cavity because people are worried that people are shooting bears just for their gallbladders in British Columbia? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| The Asiatic black bear. | ||
| And this bullshit capital of Texas Zoo, which is trying to say it's like rescuing them, is all about the Asiatic black bear as a species whose population is rapidly decreasing due to illegal hunting for its gallbladder, which is used in Asian folk medicine. | ||
| And then you're going to fucking put it in a box and not give it any water. | ||
| That pisses me off and it's a USDA violation. | ||
| So I go around to these like bullshit. | ||
| Are you calling these people out publicly right now on this podcast? | ||
| I guess I just did, didn't I? This is a real problem for them. | ||
| You understand that, right? | ||
| You just opened hell's door. | ||
| It's a real problem for me because these motherfuckers have guns at all times. | ||
| And it is a really dangerous thing for me to be into. | ||
| Remember, I did it with the giraffe and those fucking crooks in LA. And most of it I do privately. | ||
| Yeah, Malibu fucking safari. | ||
| So this thing out here, how did you find out about this? | ||
| I found out about it because I'm in a pretty hardcore group of people that try to shut down illegal behavior, zoos, roadside zoos. | ||
| And I know, it's like, Whitney's crazy. | ||
| She loves animals. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| To me, once I started learning the statistics on whenever there's exotic animal trafficking, it's usually accompanied by human trafficking. | ||
| It's all the same people. | ||
| So when you see a lion running free in Houston or private ownership of lions, tigers, bears, any apex predator, there's usually teenagers from another country in the same truck. | ||
| So it's like dogfighting. | ||
| People are like, oh, it's just dogfighting. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| That's what's in the front yard. | ||
| But if you see that in the front yard, go into the fucking basement and see what else is fucking going on. | ||
| So that's what the top three most profitable black market businesses, right? | ||
| It's arms, drugs, and then human slash animal trafficking. | ||
| So it's the same people. | ||
| No one traffics jaguars and doesn't throw in a couple people. | ||
| You know what's weird? | ||
| Pause and think about this for a second. | ||
| It's weird how we have associations with animals where there's acceptable torture and death, and some where it's not. | ||
| And with exotic animals, we're especially sensitive. | ||
| Especially sensitive to the idea of killing bears or putting bears in cages. | ||
| But if you found out that chickens are in a cage right next door, you're like, well, that's a chicken factory. | ||
| They're making McNuggets. | ||
| They gotta do what they gotta do. | ||
| And they're delicious. | ||
| Put some honey on that shit. | ||
| But you know what I'm saying? | ||
| And I think I know... | ||
| What is that? | ||
| I can say why. | ||
| Because when you see an apex predator, a lion, tiger, or bear, that's so incredibly strong, you know... | ||
| How much abuse had to go into containing that animal because they're so incredibly strong. | ||
| You know, Michael Jackson, I mean, the fucking asshole in L.A., Bob Dunn, I'm going to say it, who puts chimpanzees in cages so that they don't build any muscle. | ||
| If you're seeing a chimpanzee, a lion, tiger or bear in a cage, they were they had to they got to be on fentanyl. | ||
| They're on all these drugs. | ||
| Natasha Daly wrote a really amazing fentanyl. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The ones in Thailand? | ||
| They put chimps on fentanyl? | ||
| Oh, they put them in cages like this so that they don't grow any muscle. | ||
| And any chimp, like Michael Jackson's chimps, there were three of each. | ||
| So they all have the same name? | ||
| Well, there's Chubbs. | ||
| Yes, there was like a Chubbs 1, a Chubbs 2, and then a Bubbles 1 and 2. Because after a year, you can't hold a chimp in a tuxedo. | ||
| It's going to rip your face off. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Just beat your ass. | ||
| So after about a year, they send it off to experiments. | ||
| There's one actually in a zoo in Armadillo, Texas, one of the chubs. | ||
| I know where all Michael Jackson's fucking animals are. | ||
| That's my fucking hunting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Really? | ||
| You know where all of Michael Jackson's animals are? | ||
| I mean, a lot of them are sold for experiments. | ||
| Oh, Jesus, no. | ||
| The elephants are kind of spread out. | ||
| They were sold for experiments? | ||
| The chimps were. | ||
| Like lipstick? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What kind of experiments? | |
| I mean, chimp experiments, Space Odyssey sequel. | ||
| Space Odyssey sequel? | ||
| A lot of colleges and universities, the ones that are fucking waiting around for their student loans and imprisoning people financially, do a lot of experiments on college campuses. | ||
| So I don't do a lot of this publicly because I'll get murdered. | ||
| Can you imagine you go from living in the fucking castle, living in the Michael Jackson Neverland castle, to getting experiments done on you and you don't understand English? | ||
| And you're like, what is happening? | ||
| I had the life. | ||
| I had the fucking life. | ||
| Now I'm strapped in and they're experimenting on me. | ||
| I went from being fucked by Michael Jackson to being probed, you know, in Texas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| It was, but chimps, you know, I mean, they get so fucking strong, they have to keep them in cages so their muscles don't build, they don't feed them any protein, and then they inject them with, you know, I mean, there's one university, which I'm not going to say right now because I'm, like, getting all my fucking ducks in a row, but they put Botox in their muscles so they don't develop any muscles. | ||
| Did I ever tell you about the time I went to a tiger place in Thailand? | ||
| Brutal. | ||
| Did I tell you about this? | ||
| No. | ||
| We did a bunch of animal things, me and my family in Thailand. | ||
| We did one of them that was really cool. | ||
| We hung around with elephants and you fed them. | ||
| I had it on my Instagram page. | ||
| You give them sugarcane and you wash them. | ||
| As long as you're not riding them. | ||
| No, you do ride them. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But they want you to ride them. | ||
| They let you. | ||
| You weigh as much as one of those stupid hats with cigarettes in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| That's what you weigh to an elephant. | ||
| But I didn't like it. | ||
| Yeah, what they have to do to get them that compliant is pretty brutal, you know? | ||
| Not in this place. | ||
| In this place, first of all, these animals are completely wide open and they're free-ranging. | ||
| Sheldrick Trust does a great job, too. | ||
| If they raise them from being babies... | ||
| They do that, but they also take animals from circuses and reintroduce them to the wild. | ||
| Because while you're walking with these elephants, they just grab a tree and start eating it. | ||
| They can do whatever the fuck they want. | ||
| And they're so not intimidated by you in any way. | ||
| And the relationship that the trainers had with the elephants was love. | ||
| It was all... | ||
| Petting and giving them sugar cane. | ||
| They gave them food, and they were always washing them. | ||
| And when you have this, they did it very smartly. | ||
| Because a lot of these elephants, if you reintroduce them to the wild, they'll die right away, and the elephants will actually kill them. | ||
| But this place in Thailand, they have successfully reintroduced many to the wild. | ||
| And one of the things that they did is, you don't just ride the elephant. | ||
| You have a relationship with it. | ||
| Yes, that's it. | ||
| So they bring you over, like, this is the elephant that you're going to have a relationship with, and you're going to feed him sugar cane and wash him. | ||
| That makes me so happy. | ||
| So I'm handing them sugarcane. | ||
| They take it gently with their trunks. | ||
| They're sweet, sweet animals. | ||
| Well, that's amazing. | ||
| Do you remember the name of this place? | ||
| Because I always love to promote the good places. | ||
| I do not remember, but we stayed in Chiang Mai, and it was an hour maybe outside of that, not that far away. | ||
| But the way they did it was, it was all about what you paid for for that experience would go towards funds. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| To help these animals and reintroduce them to the wild and also get them from circuses and rescue them from some other places. | ||
| I didn't like the riding part. | ||
| But everybody else wanted to do it. | ||
| But my thought was like, I like to feed you and I'll wash you. | ||
| I want to be your friend. | ||
| I don't need to get on top and be You're like, wee, I'm riding you. | ||
| That's a language elephants understand. | ||
| And I think that the really shitty places, which is most of them, give the good ones a bad name, which sucks. | ||
| I went to one. | ||
| I went to Koh Samui. | ||
| And I don't remember in Thailand where I went to one and you go there and everyone's riding them. | ||
| And then you look down and there's just chains between their feet. | ||
| And it crushed me because I thought I was going to this amazing sanctuary. | ||
| because anyone can put sanctuary in the front of their fucking thing. | ||
| But I think I've heard you talk so much about, you know, captivity of, you know, dolphins. | ||
| And it's just when you see that and when you're like, this is just intolerable. | ||
| Like, yeah, these animals are not designed to be in prison. | ||
| You're watching this incredible thing be in prison. | ||
| And you know that this motherfucker, the second it gets out, could kill everyone within a 50 mile radius. | ||
| The fact that they're in this cage, what had to happen in order to confine them that way? | ||
| I mean, what happened for someone to put you in a cage? | ||
| They'd have to fucking shoot you with darts. | ||
| You know, so it's so heartbreaking to see powerful animals be reduced to a fucking zoo exhibition. | ||
| A shelf trinket. | ||
| It's sick. | ||
| And look, a lot of animal people are fucking crazy as shit. | ||
| And as we say, animal people aren't always people people because a lot of people that are real big in animal rescue have a lot of childhood trauma. | ||
| They were neglected, they were abused as kids, and they see something voiceless. | ||
| And that can't, you know, send emails or make phone calls being abused and they go fucking nuts. | ||
| So I don't fuck with a lot of animal rescue people because they're not rational. | ||
| My thing is like, let's focus on changing a law instead of trying to get every fucking elephant out of every zoo. | ||
| But, you know, I think that, you know, someone like you, I think we're similar in that we see how fucked up it is to have an apex predator in a box. | ||
| Yeah, we went to the elephant thing, and the elephant thing, it actually felt good. | ||
| Because these elephants, they came over the top of the hill. | ||
| They just showed up out of nowhere. | ||
| There's no fences. | ||
| They came over the top of the hill, and they come when they know that they're going to bring out the sugar cane, and they're going to meet these people. | ||
| And they're choosing to do it. | ||
| And the way they meet you, they just walk right up to you. | ||
| I'm telling you, it's wild. | ||
| They bump into you. | ||
| They bring their face to you and you pet them. | ||
| You go, hello. | ||
| Nice to meet you. | ||
| Yeah, they like being pet. | ||
| Are they the smartest animal after chimpanzee? | ||
| I believe. | ||
| Well, they can paint. | ||
| They might be smarter than chimps. | ||
| They can paint things. | ||
| They can't solve complex puzzles like chimps do. | ||
| Chimps can spell things. | ||
| Chimps can do a lot of stuff, but they remember their loved ones, their family members, for decades and decades. | ||
| It kills me. | ||
| They've reintroduced ones after more than 10 years apart, and they recognize each other instantly, and they run and hug, and they're rubbing trunks and everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's wild. | |
| They're dinosaurs. | ||
| Well, there's something interesting. | ||
| They're the closest we have to fucking dinosaurs. | ||
| And you look at them, and there's this place, Pawsark. | ||
| I don't think they've been around that long. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I mean, but they feel like the way they move. | ||
| It is like Jurassic Park. | ||
| They're special. | ||
| There's something special. | ||
| It's Snuffleupagus. | ||
| I mean, it's also like, you know. | ||
| Just the fact that something exists like that. | ||
| That's so goddamn big. | ||
| And yet it'll, like, if you're nice to it. | ||
| Gentle. | ||
| Like, here's the thing. | ||
| It's like, you really can't keep a fucking tiger as a pet in an open area. | ||
| But you can in Thailand with these elephants. | ||
| Like, the relationship they have with people is very different. | ||
| Like, that thing just walks up to you, you can pet it. | ||
| There's not a fucking chance in hell you could do that with a tiger. | ||
| There's not a chance in hell you would let one of your friends or your children get on a tiger. | ||
| I mean, and if they do, anyone touching any apex predator, that's abuse. | ||
| They have to take the cub from the mom right away. | ||
| They have to dart the mom with the tranquilizer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When everyone's like, I'm holding a bear cub. | ||
| I'm holding a tiger cub. | ||
| It's like, you think that the mom just fucking willingly gave that shit up? | ||
| No, and then it's not getting any of the breast milk. | ||
| So they have all these autoimmune issues and their spines don't develop properly. | ||
| So the place that I work with in Alpine, it's all these... | ||
| Bears that have been in cub petting as adults and they can't really walk well. | ||
| They're all fucked up. | ||
| Once you see the aftermath of what happens with any kind of tiger bear, I mean, they have about six months and they just send them off to either get killed or to get can hunting or whatever that stuff is. | ||
| They hunt tigers? | ||
| They put a tiger or a lion that's never been in the wild, that's only been held by humans. | ||
| They definitely do that with lions in Africa. | ||
| In these canned hunting facilities, and the lion sees a person and is like, hey, what's up? | ||
| And then someone shoots it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And you're like, well, that's not hunting. | ||
| That's fucking fish in a barrel. | ||
| Not only that, the lion doesn't go very far from where they release it, because it doesn't have a territory. | ||
| But it sees a human, and it's like, oh, I'm about to get a Big Mac from this human. | ||
| I don't think they think that way. | ||
| Or, sorry, they go, that's a Big Mac! | ||
| I think immediately if they see a person, they want to kill it. | ||
| But the point is, it's not really hunting. | ||
| It's not like you're going into the wild animals. | ||
| They literally let it go a day or two before the hunt. | ||
| But you've seen Tippi Hedren and these things where they bottle-raise them, so they're not going to attack someone that bottle-raised them? | ||
| I don't think they do that on those farms. | ||
| Have you ever seen Louis Theroux, his documentary? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love him. | |
| I love him, too. | ||
| I've had him on a couple times. | ||
| I love his, yeah. | ||
| He's been on twice? | ||
| The Scientology one? | ||
| No, he's been on a couple times. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| But he had a great special that he did about going to these hunting camps in Africa, where they raise these animals specifically to be released and hunted. | ||
| And he stayed there for a long time. | ||
| He's so thorough. | ||
| He got in with this guy and got very close with this guy that was running this, and he got him irritated to the point where the guy was like, Africa is fucked! | ||
| And this guy was talking about why he did it. | ||
| And he's like, it's fucked. | ||
| And he's like, you know, these animals are fucked. | ||
| And he was basically explaining the only way these animals have any value is if they're worth money to kill. | ||
| That's why there's high populations of them, which is really wild because they used to be on the verge of extinction, a lot of them. | ||
| And they've regrown their numbers substantially just because there's businesses that are designed so that people, that's the guy, so people can go over there and hunt these animals. | ||
| Did you see, just to try to understand this from all sides, which I obviously have done so much to try and empathize with, there was an article, I don't remember what op-ed it was, but I think it was a mother from Kenya that wrote an op-ed about why we don't cry for lions. | ||
| Because in a lot of areas, you're not afraid of men or guns, you're afraid of a lion attacking your child on their way home from school. | ||
| Or you. | ||
| Yeah, and it was a very interesting thing where it's like, oh, I'm so far removed of what it's like to just have wild lions around my home. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| I'd fucking shoot one in the face if I had to. | ||
| But that's the thing, Whitney, because they're not a general threat to us. | ||
| They're a threat if we run into them, but we're not going to encounter a lion. | ||
| So we think of them as something that we need to protect. | ||
| But if we were living in the wild and they were out there with us, we would want to kill them and hunt them. | ||
| I do it with coyotes all the time. | ||
| When coyotes come up, I'm like, coyotes are so cool, and I honor them. | ||
| As soon as they get near my dog, I'm going to fucking strangle them with my bare hands. | ||
| But I also like to just respect and honor, you know, because it's just cool. | ||
| I also think that the way that, you know, because people always think that they can change everyone's mind with an Instagram post or a fucking tweet. | ||
| Be kind to people. | ||
| Dude, there are certain people that are just... | ||
| That works on me. | ||
| It doesn't. | ||
| You just read an Instagram and you're like, oh, I guess I'm going to change my vote now that a Hollywood actress posted about it. | ||
| Whereas it's the way that our brains are wired. | ||
| So when people talk about these big issues and think they're going to be solved with one fucking tweet or even one vote for a candidate, it's like you're going to have to rewire the way people see power, like the way that kids see powerful things enslaved at such a young age. | ||
| They're saying, oh, if I'm more powerful than something, I can just use it for my own amusement. | ||
| So a lot of psychiatrists talk about how seeing these powerful animals at such a young age confined shows them like, yeah, I can use things for my own benefit if I have power. | ||
| And then people talk about abuse of power, but they don't talk about that most kids, the way their brain is developed, they're watching it on animals first. | ||
| Well, the only attraction to wanting to control a big, strong animal like that is to show that you have dominance over the scariest thing that's out there. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's all it is right. | ||
| It's like it's why it's it's a male thing in some ways because you show you're badass and a female in something in some ways where it shows you're protected already. | ||
| But you're badass if you're a crocodile Dundee and just doing it out of nowhere. | ||
| If you've been injecting if you've been injecting it with morphine since it was a baby and you put a cage and electric here all the time. | ||
| That's not dominance. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| But there's a thing that people like to just be close to it. | ||
| You know, when I was in Thailand and we did the elephant thing, the elephant thing was kind of cool because you see they were free. | ||
| But the tiger thing was not cool at all. | ||
| Because a lot of them are sedated. | ||
| 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it sucks. | |
| So there's like puppy, or cubs rather. | ||
| And the cubs are loose. | ||
| They're wild. | ||
| They jump around. | ||
| They swat at you. | ||
| They roll around. | ||
| And you feel them. | ||
| You're like, oh my God, you're like a week away from being able to kill me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're so, it's weird. | ||
| Tiger cubs are weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they're these little murderers, you know, but they're like small enough. | ||
| You're like, hey, fuck off. | ||
| Even a Savannah cat. | ||
| Do you know about Savannah cats? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I know someone who was trying to get a new home for a Savannah cat because he got two Savannah cats and it just destroyed his entire house. | ||
| And just saying hi to the kid, it would just rip half of its eyelid off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's just trying to snuggle. | ||
| You know, these things are fucking money. | ||
| They're little murderers. | ||
| I mean, they're designed to eat whatever the fuck can't run as fast as they do. | ||
| Dude, and when you see a panther and a cheetah at this fucking Texas roadside zoo, it just drives me nuts. | ||
| But there is in Northern California a place called Pawsark. | ||
| There's an elephant. | ||
| It doesn't do visits, but we could fucking go. | ||
| And you see these lions and tigers in what they call tolerable cruelty, and you see them free in action. | ||
| Wow, that's a funny expression. | ||
| Tolerable cruelty is what we try. | ||
| Do they let them kill animals? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| They do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh, that's heavy. | |
| They get dogs from animal shelters and just throw them in. | ||
| I'm kidding. | ||
| I'm joking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| But here's the thing. | ||
| Why would that bother me more than a goat? | ||
| Because it would. | ||
| If you said, yes, they release goats, I'd be like, well, fuck those goats. | ||
| But if you said they release golden retrievers... | ||
| If I saw my dog Marshall, Marshall was walking, well, I guess this is a new place to walk, and then Marshall sees a lion running his way, he's like, hello friend! | ||
| What is the plan? | ||
| Because I was, in Texas there's bears. | ||
| There are some black bears in Texas. | ||
| Black bears are the ones you do not play dead. | ||
| Grizzly, you play dead. | ||
| Well, listen, it's all nonsense. | ||
| If a bear decides to fuck you up, they fuck you up. | ||
| Grizzly is trying to play dead as if she has cubs. | ||
| She just wants to remove a threat. | ||
| She's not trying to eat you. | ||
| But she might be hungry. | ||
| So if she's hungry, she tries to eat you. | ||
| So your hope is that she just thinks she's removing a threat and you can play dead when she's not hungry. | ||
| But if she's hungry and she already killed you, she'll fucking eat you. | ||
| She'll try you out. | ||
| They eat each other. | ||
| Did you ever see that documentary, Grizzly Man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I love it. | ||
| It's my favorite unintentional comedy. | ||
| Did you ever hear the... | ||
| No, it's not real. | ||
| The audio? | ||
| No, it's not real. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's fake. | ||
| Yeah, there's no released... | ||
| Werner Herzog deleted all of the footage, including the audio. | ||
| Well, there was only audio, but the camera lens was on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| The lens cover was on. | ||
| Werner Herzog listened to it and decided to never release it. | ||
| So there's a fake one that's out there on the internet, but once you know it's fake, you listen, you're like, oh. | ||
| Wanna hear it? | ||
| Let's hear it, because it sounds so cool. | ||
| Can we hear it or we get in trouble? | ||
| A friend of mine is this guy, Ned Zeman, who wrote the first article. | ||
| I think he heard it, the real one, and had to take it off right away. | ||
| That's how Werner Herzog was. | ||
| That's why he said, do not release this. | ||
| Didn't finish it. | ||
| Yeah, he said, do not release this. | ||
| You know, Werner Herzog, he's made many amazing documentaries and films, and the one on the cave paintings in France, have you ever seen that one? | ||
| No, cool. | ||
| It's really good, but I think Grizzly Man is his fucking, that's his magnum opus. | ||
| Is it true that, because he was buddies with the bears, whatever that means, and he brought a girl who was on her period? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No. | ||
| That's not what happened? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Definitely not. | ||
| 100% not. | ||
| What happened was there was an old bear that was going into hibernation very late because it didn't have enough fat. | ||
| It was still hungry. | ||
| But he had his girlfriend or something with him. | ||
| The girlfriend didn't matter. | ||
| I just mean it's just funny to me that he's like, hey, come check this out. | ||
| No, I'm not 100% sure on what I'm saying, but what my understanding is, from talking to guides and people that really understand wildlife management, bears and animals, there's a certain time where you don't want to encounter them in the wild because they're desperate. | ||
| So if it's that cold out and they haven't gone into hibernation yet, they might be desperate for calories. | ||
| And he might have had food out. | ||
| He might have had jerky open. | ||
| He might have had that hot pocket fired up on the grill. | ||
| He had that little fox buddy. | ||
| He made friends with a fox. | ||
| I love foxes. | ||
| It was my favorite part of the movie, other than when the sheriff called him retarded. | ||
| You see that part? | ||
| I thought he was retarded. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I forgot about that. | |
| The sheriff was like, why are you hanging around with these bears in the middle of the fucking woods? | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| You're camping there for months at a time? | ||
| Well, at the end of this guy's life, he shouldn't have been there because he was in the late fall time where the bears are supposed to already be hibernating. | ||
| So the bears that are out are fucking desperate and one of them just died to kill him. | ||
| You get arrogant with these animals. | ||
| It's something. | ||
| A lot of these fake charities that I'm obsessed with fucking with. | ||
| Oh, is this a thing? | ||
| Oh, this is the fake volume. | ||
| This is the fake voice. | ||
| Hear how fake that is? | ||
| That's not real. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| There you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut it up. | |
| That's Don Barris doing his set. | ||
| That's Don Barris killing. | ||
| Yeah, that's fucking Brian Holzman doing his next record. | ||
| But this fucking guy, what he was doing was against all sound practices if you're going to be around apex predators. | ||
| There's a system set in place. | ||
| And the system is to recognize people that are straying from the herd. | ||
| Whether it's an animal or a person. | ||
| Anybody who's doing something stupid, you're fucking up. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So there's a thing that happens, right? | ||
| As it gets older, the animal gets less and less viable, so it starts attacking males because it's jealous. | ||
| That happens with giraffes, with a lot of animals. | ||
| Even if they're not sexually viable anymore, they have to remove them from the population. | ||
| They've done that with rhinos, even though rhinos are endangered, because one male rhino that's no longer viable was killing multiple rhinos. | ||
| There was a famous case where Corey Knowles, a guy who was on this podcast, who talked about it with us. | ||
| He had bid to be the guy who killed this rhino. | ||
| And everybody was like, this is crazy. | ||
| You want to kill a rhino? | ||
| There's only 5,000 of them. | ||
| He's like, you don't understand. | ||
| This rhino's killing more rhinos. | ||
| You have to kill this rhino. | ||
| They're gonna kill this rhino no matter what because it costs more money to transport this rhino to another place than it does to kill it. | ||
| And if you do transport to another place, you have to put it in isolation because if it's around other males, it's gonna kill them. | ||
| So he was explaining this like, this is really complicated shit and he paid, I think it was like a quarter million dollars, something, Crazy to go and kill a rhino and CNN went with him and followed him when he did it But it was an opportunity for them for him to sort of educate them like yeah There's there's these places where these these canned hunts where they let lions out but there's also moments where as a Conservationist calling there they have to do something about this crazy rhino that can't fuck anymore He's killing the other rhino right right because one guy will kill he already killed two and he was on the way to killing more there's there's | ||
| in um So this is Corey Knowlton. | ||
| I'm sorry, I said Corey Knowles. | ||
| Corey Knowlton. | ||
| And Corey talked about it on the podcast. | ||
| He's like a super rational guy. | ||
| Now, I should state really clearly, this is not something I'd want to do. | ||
| I don't want to go and kill a rhino. | ||
| But they ate that rhino, too. | ||
| That's the other thing. | ||
| The people that, like the local villagers, apparently, like elephants and rhinos taste delicious. | ||
| It sounds crazy. | ||
| That is, I mean, I remember going, there's still ivory around. | ||
| Do you know that on the, you know the list of when you're married, the gift you give every year? | ||
| It's like wood. | ||
| Ivory's on the list? | ||
| Ivory's on that fucking list. | ||
| It drives me nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's wild. | |
| But when I, I love La Jolla Comedy Store, one of my favorite places on the planet to perform, but when I walk around La Jolla, there's like ivory in the galleries in the window, and you're just like, what the? | ||
| Real ivory? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Wild. | ||
| Does it matter with ivories on the piano? | ||
| I would imagine it doesn't, because it's not the ivory that makes the sound. | ||
| Oh, that can't be real. | ||
| Oh, it used to be. | ||
| Whitney, that was all pianos. | ||
| It was tickling the ivories. | ||
| Oh, sick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But also elephants, I know that in – because sometimes I go in with – I'm like, oh, I'm going to build a new enclosure for – there's this guy, Ed Stewart, in Northern California who shut down Barnum& Bailey. | ||
| And they fucking – I mean Barnum& Bailey, they have a billion dollars. | ||
| I mean they are fucking – they made so much money off that shit. | ||
| And they're in Florida now. | ||
| And he shut him down and he was harassed. | ||
| The neighbors were paid to fuck with him and sue him and poison animals. | ||
| There's so much money in Animal Exhibition on getting a bear to sit on a fucking beach ball. | ||
| There's so much money in it. | ||
| And these people are criminals. | ||
| I mean, that guy Doc Antle that was all over the Tiger King documentary. | ||
| Which one's Doc Antle? | ||
| The one that runs the, remember the Osho cult, like the Wild Wild Country? | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| He's part of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| His name is Bogvan Antle. | ||
| Oh, that's, he's a part of the Osho cult? | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| The guy is a fucking psychopath and he has a record. | ||
| He's killed someone. | ||
| First of all, I think he's a living god and I think you're out of line. | ||
| I think. | ||
| I don't think he killed anybody. | ||
| Did he kill somebody? | ||
| Dude, this motherfucker is such a fucking psychopath. | ||
| He's a pimp. | ||
| Is that Amy Schumer? | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Who's that guy in the back? | ||
| I didn't hear you. | ||
| I'm deaf in my left ear from the back. | ||
| That's Rusty Dooley in the back. | ||
| No, that is Tony Hinchcliffe in the back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's Tony! | |
| It's the Golden Pony. | ||
| They're exhibiting a golden pony down. | ||
| Is that Jessica Curzon? | ||
| And Jessica Curzon is so fucking funny. | ||
| I met her the other night. | ||
| She's really nice. | ||
| Dude, her tweets are hilarious. | ||
| Everybody keeps telling me, I've not seen her act, but everybody keeps telling me how fucking funny she is. | ||
| And I met her the other night. | ||
| She's the sweetest, purest person, like so friendly. | ||
| Last night, Tim Dillon was showing me her first Tonight Show set from 11 years ago. | ||
| It was fucking hilarious now. | ||
| He was like, this is one of the best. | ||
| Who was hosting the Tonight Show 11 years ago? | ||
| Guess it was Jay Leno. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| How long do you think Jimmy Fallon hangs on there? | ||
| It's a rough gig. | ||
| After the blackface thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Here's what I'll say. | ||
| He didn't know. | ||
| Why didn't Lor Michaels apologize for that? | ||
| It wasn't just him. | ||
| There's tons of writers on the show. | ||
| That felt like he was out there just being like, I'm sorry I did that. | ||
| When there's a whole lot of people, someone applied the makeup. | ||
| Well, it's just we have to recognize as a culture, there's a difference between the way people think of blackface today versus people think of blackface 10 years ago. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| I'm super for it. | ||
| I've done a lot of stupid shit. | ||
| I haven't done that one. | ||
| I just think if you're on a television show where there's tons of writers that wrote, like a lot of, everyone should have said, we were off that. | ||
| Imagine, hold on for a second. | ||
| Imagine if you wanted to do a film about Al Jolson. | ||
| You know who Al Jolson was? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Al Jolson was like the most famous of the guys who were minstrel singers who dressed up and put on like crazy blackface. | ||
| Not like regular blackface. | ||
| Like the big lips and the... | ||
| Cartoonish blackface. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Now, if somebody wanted to do, like, look at that fucking crazy picture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Imagine that this was like a style. | ||
| Jamie, just pull that out. | ||
| This was a style of entertainment. | ||
| This was a style of entertainment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Look at this. | ||
| Now, and this is like historically. | ||
| Right. | ||
| This is actually an important part of our culture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| We don't address this. | ||
| Is that Justin Trudeau? | ||
| We don't look at this. | ||
| I don't think that is. | ||
| He was brownface. | ||
| Dude, Justin Trudeau's was applied so impeccably. | ||
| Pretty good. | ||
| Doesn't feel like the first time he done it. | ||
| It was like some... | ||
| Dude, it was like around his nail bed perfectly. | ||
| 10,000 hours shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that picture. | |
| Brutal. | ||
| What does that say? | ||
| Downs it again in what? | ||
| This is an older version of him. | ||
| Oh my god, I thought that was Ronnie Dangerfield for some reason. | ||
| In editorial stock. | ||
| Oh, so this was like his thing where he would go places like later on in his life. | ||
| He's way older there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hot take. | |
| Hot take. | ||
| Jimmy Fallon should play Al Jolson. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| In the movie directed by Spike Lee. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| But here's my thought. | ||
| You couldn't get someone to do that. | ||
| This is how the robots are going to win. | ||
| CGI is going to create a digital blackface, and it will do so under... | ||
| You know how an elevator door is closing, or a garage door is closing, and you slide in right before it closes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Indiana Jones! | |
| Yeah, right. | ||
| With a big stone wall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's what this is going to be. | ||
| This is going to be digital blackface. | ||
| You're going to be able to do it because it's not a real person. | ||
| And it'll be a digitally generated voice, so we don't have to worry about anybody being an actual racist pretending. | ||
| It'll all just be CGI that shows us as Al Jillson. | ||
| So all these actors are going to have to act with like, they're going to be like Jurassic Park. | ||
| You know Jurassic Park? | ||
| You gotta pretend the dinosaur's there, but there's no dinosaur there? | ||
| They're gonna have to pretend Al Jolson is there. | ||
| They're gonna have to interact with no one. | ||
| They read their lines. | ||
| The fake Al Jolson isn't even there, because they're gonna CGI him in later. | ||
| Dude, let me ask, remember? | ||
| And they're gonna realize he's really good. | ||
| He's better than Brad Pitt. | ||
| I'm just gonna say it. | ||
| The digital Al Jolson, he's fucking amazing. | ||
| It is made by Lex Friedman. | ||
| Yeah, I want to fuck this stuff. | ||
| It's going to be totally Lex Friedman. | ||
| What happened to the 3D... Remember in Coachella they had a 3D... Tupac. | ||
| Yeah, Tupac and maybe... | ||
| Way too jacked. | ||
| Like Tupac went to CrossFit. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| There's like Tupac. | ||
| He was on that on it diet. | ||
| He was built like Yoel Romero. | ||
| He was so jacked. | ||
| Even Tupac fans were like, okay, easy. | ||
| Settle down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Easy. | |
| He wasn't doing creatine. | ||
| He was a good looking guy, but I mean, this is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a dedicated person you're an image of. | |
| Zoe Saldana played Nina Simone. | ||
| This was like the thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember? | |
| And they put some makeup on her. | ||
| She's half black. | ||
| And they just came for her recently. | ||
| For what? | ||
| To just go, you're half black and you played Nina Simone. | ||
| You fucked up. | ||
| You do look at it and you're kind of like, oh, that was a wild... | ||
| Someone walked onto set and no one was like... | ||
| Nina Simone is someone that Dave Chappelle listens to right before he goes on stage over and over and over again on a loop. | ||
| He does it all the time. | ||
| That's an incredible fucking story. | ||
| And he rants about it. | ||
| He's backstage pacing before we go up, and he's playing Nina Simone. | ||
| It's like, do you understand how fucking strong this material is? | ||
| Do you understand how strong this song is? | ||
| Look at this performance. | ||
| Look at the magic in this. | ||
| And you and I are just like, do we need to take a shit? | ||
| No, he revels in other people's greatness. | ||
| He's watching this Nina Simone thing, and he's just... | ||
| Just ranting. | ||
| I'm not doing it justice. | ||
| If you were there and you saw how much reverence he had for this recording and this film, and he would play it over and over again. | ||
| He's got a giant boombox he brings with him, one of those JBL giant... | ||
| It's called a boombox. | ||
| I have one in my gym. | ||
| They're the shit. | ||
| They're really loud. | ||
| You can throw them in the ocean. | ||
| They're waterproof. | ||
| But he carries that thing everywhere. | ||
| So he's playing this. | ||
| So it's crystal clear sound, and he's got the video playing on his phone for the YouTube. | ||
| And you're like, fuck! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And he's just, it's something about not just the performance of Nina Simone, but Dave Chappelle taking in that performance of Nina Simone. | ||
| And like circling, like Dave's got a cigarette in his hand, he's pacing in a circle, talking about how amazing it is. | ||
| Magic! | ||
| Someone's gotta shoot, I mean that is like, that must be like chills down my spine. | ||
| Just memories. | ||
| What's your number one pre-show song? | ||
| Oh, there was a lady on stage once at the improv, and she was bombing, and it was unfortunate. | ||
| It was me. | ||
| No, it wasn't you. | ||
| It was someone who was real recent to the game, and she was on stage, and she would have a premise, and she wouldn't follow through, and they were short, and she didn't expand on an idea, and she was going from one premise to a completely unrelated premise. | ||
| It was clunky, and she wasn't doing well. | ||
| And I was going on two from there, with one other person than me. | ||
| And I looked at the schedule and me and the DJ, we were like... | ||
| And I go, it's a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll. | ||
| And so later on that night, I was going on stage like... | ||
| So good, so good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll. | |
| So that's what I do every time I'm on stage now. | ||
| That's my opening song, is a long way to the top. | ||
| I love that Pavlovian thing. | ||
| And when I hear the song I'm going up to outside of stand-up, I'm like, no, no, I don't want to hear it anywhere except when I'm going on! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Turn it on! | |
| Get it paid! | ||
| Do you have a power song when you're working out that's like your last mile of running, your last, your journey, your fucking... | ||
| You want to hear the most embarrassing thing about me? | ||
| I've seen John Wick 150 times in a row at times. | ||
| Or it's fights or John Wick. | ||
| And I put it on the scene where they're going into the bathhouse and he kills everybody? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Right after the fight, he finds out who the guy is who killed his dog and stole his car. | ||
| By the way, I'm all for that movie because he's all about saving a pit bull. | ||
| I would spray people with bullets if they fuck with my pit bulls. | ||
| What's a little beagle puppy that he kills? | ||
| The bad people kill a beagle puppy first. | ||
| Then he gets a pit bull later in the movie. | ||
| Beagle's the most tested on animals in labs because they're the most forgiving. | ||
| Oh, I believe that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Beagle Freedom Project is what I work with. | ||
| I work with these beagles and they got all the numbers tattooed on their ears and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, that's his little puppy. | ||
| Oh, buddy! | ||
| Whether it's a beagle or it looks like a beagle, whatever it is, it's a cute little dog. | ||
| Why is Keanu Reeves so hot? | ||
| Because he's sweet. | ||
| He's kind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's sweet. | |
| That's why. | ||
| He's kind. | ||
| He's genuinely kind. | ||
| You are too. | ||
| A lot of people don't know it, but you are too. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm also more primitive. | ||
| I'm clunky. | ||
| But the more primitive someone is, the more emotional you kind of have to be to be able to navigate. | ||
| Like, you know, your Instagram post, I almost shed a tear when you came out of the sauna. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| I always want to talk about it like right when I get out because right when I get out I'm like extraordinarily vulnerable. | ||
| You're on your deathbed? | ||
| You're about to pass on? | ||
| Yeah, I'm about to die. | ||
| I'm 26 minutes into it. | ||
| It was like 202 degrees or some shit. | ||
| It's fucking hot. | ||
| Do you have someone waiting? | ||
| No. | ||
| Standing by? | ||
| No, no nets, Whitney. | ||
| There's no nets. | ||
| This is how you do things. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| There's no nets. | ||
| No... | ||
| No nets for anything. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| There's no nets. | ||
| All right. | ||
| You can't have nets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't! | |
| You can't have someone outside the door with a fucking... | ||
| Well, didn't someone... | ||
| Are you okay in there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, man. | |
| A fucking janitor or someone in Vegas died in a cryo-freeze chamber. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Oh, she didn't know what she was doing, unfortunately. | ||
| What happened was she was by herself and the nitrogen, liquid nitrogen, you can't breathe that in. | ||
| It's why it's supposed to be below your neck. | ||
| And apparently she was short and she didn't adjust it correctly and so she was breathing it in her mouth. | ||
| And she passed out. | ||
| Brad Williams should not work at a cryo-free place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what you're saying. | |
| I saw something coming. | ||
| I saw you were ready. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I couldn't help it. | ||
| I have like Tourette's. | ||
| But let me ask you. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So when I get in the sauna, because I started doing Because of You, I have one in my house now. | ||
| I get so high that I'm like, I'm only going to do 20 minutes, but then I'm like, I'm going to do fucking more. | ||
| Like there's a high that comes over you. | ||
| I don't feel like I can make good decisions when I'm in there. | ||
| Well, this is my take on this. | ||
| Again, I always have to express that I'm not a doctor and I'm not even smart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| But I do know some stuff. | ||
| And one of the things that I know is that inflammation is a gigantic problem with people. | ||
| That thing that you posted up before about a hearing loss during COVID because of inflammation. | ||
| Yeah, it was related to that. | ||
| But related to COVID, they think it has to do with inflammation. | ||
| That's the thing with Dana White had Meniere's Denise. | ||
| This was tinnitus. | ||
| Yeah, tinnitus is very similar. | ||
| Meniere's disease is very similar as well. | ||
| It's like there's a ring in the ear and it drives you crazy. | ||
| And they think it's related to inflammation. | ||
| And one of the best things for inflammation is the sauna because your body makes these heat shock proteins. | ||
| And it relieves so much inflammation. | ||
| It changes the way you feel. | ||
| You feel so much better. | ||
| And since I've been doing it, people think I got like a facelift, which I will at some point, and I will let you know. | ||
| You guys don't have to wonder. | ||
| I don't think you have to. | ||
| I don't think you have to. | ||
| I think they're going to come up with some new shit. | ||
| Well, I'm doing the peptides. | ||
| Just hang in there. | ||
| Yeah, that's my thing. | ||
| By the time I need it, they will have figured something out, you know? | ||
| But Joan Rivers did fine for herself. | ||
| We're on the wave. | ||
| She did not do fine. | ||
| We're on the wave. | ||
| She killed on QVC. I was high as fuck once at the Brea Improv, and I was waiting to go on stage. | ||
| I'm like, way too high. | ||
| To the point where, fortunately, I knew my act because it was risky. | ||
| It was very dangerous. | ||
| Yeah, and? | ||
| And Joan Rivers was on television. | ||
| This is bad. | ||
| Joan Rivers was on television with her television show with her daughter. | ||
| And I've always been a giant Joan Rivers fan in terms of her stand-up. | ||
| She's fearless. | ||
| And she never stopped. | ||
| My first roast was Joan Rivers. | ||
| And to me... | ||
| The way a comic can take a fucking joke. | ||
| This is the thing that annoys me the most about comics now. | ||
| Comics are like, why are you saying that? | ||
| Dude, you're a comic. | ||
| We're not supposed to say anything to each other. | ||
| I miss the roast so fucking much. | ||
| And I said to Joan on my first roast, first time I'd ever met her, I said, Joan, I loved you in The Wrestler. | ||
| And she laughed harder than anyone. | ||
| And then I said, Joan Rivers is so old, her pussy has a separate entrance for black cocks. | ||
| And she laughed. | ||
| She laughed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| She laughed so fucking hard. | ||
| I'm like, that's a real comic. | ||
| And then she had so much plastic surgery that people were looking at her like, I don't know if she's getting offended or not. | ||
| And she went, I'm laughing. | ||
| This is me laughing. | ||
| I have Botox. | ||
| You just can't see it. | ||
| I'm laughing. | ||
| It's the filler that's weird. | ||
| She subtitled her face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then she came up to me afterwards and she was like, that was fucking incredible. | ||
| And true comics can respect. | ||
| They don't get jealous of other comics killing. | ||
| Well, as she got older, she got more dedicated to the game and recognized the value of not giving a fuck. | ||
| And that was a big part of who she is. | ||
| She was in the Hall of Fame when it comes to comedians. | ||
| Joan Rivers has been around for a long-ass time. | ||
| But even so, later in her life, she was like, oh, I understand what this is. | ||
| I have to be dedicated to this. | ||
| And I can make myself the butt of the joke. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And also other people. | ||
| Take the fucking hit. | ||
| And that there was a value in that and that people appreciated it and loved it. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was that picture? | |
| What'd you pull up? | ||
| The piece of work, that documentary called Piece of Work? | ||
| I've heard it's really good. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, the documentary... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What year is that, man? | |
| 50s? | ||
| Does it say? | ||
| Remember, she had a fucking talk show. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| After she was on, oof. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| I always get fucking mad at Johnny Carson, because apparently her and Johnny Carson had some weird thing. | ||
| And she guest-hosted The Tonight Show at certain points, and I guess Johnny was threatened by her. | ||
| Because she went to Fox and did hers. | ||
| Yeah, but Johnny was mad. | ||
| Instead of being like, that's great! | ||
| Everybody, let's all do it together. | ||
| That is what is so different about you, Joe. | ||
| I don't think people truly understand that there's such a scarcity complex in everyone. | ||
| There's so few of us, and we've been taught to believe there's so few slots. | ||
| Like, there's one person that gets the big deal at Montreal or Aspen, and it's me fucking against you. | ||
| It's me against you, and you are one of the few fucking comics that That is so psyched to lift people up and then they get successful on their own. | ||
| It's not a threat to you. | ||
| I mean you're also Joe Rogan so what would threaten you but it is so fucking rare that even super successful comics help other comics. | ||
| Well, I think more do it now than ever before because of the internet. | ||
| Whether it's me or other folks that have the same idea without even thinking about how I do it. | ||
| It's like we realize through the internet that it's not a scarcity complex anymore. | ||
| When I first was on television, it was in 1994 or something with news radio, and there was only... | ||
| What was there? | ||
| There was like... | ||
| Four networks. | ||
| Four networks and then there was like cable networks that people didn't take seriously. | ||
| Four networks and like three slots on TGIF Friday. | ||
| So if everyone was going out for auditions, what happened with pilot season would roll around and you would get an agent and then we'd all meet out here. | ||
| And we'd do the store or we'd do the lab factory or what have you, and we would talk about pilots. | ||
| Like, everyone was going out for things. | ||
| And if, like, you were going out for a thing, oh, you're going out for that thing? | ||
| Like, yeah, I'm going out for that thing. | ||
| And we would both be going out for it together. | ||
| And the thing could change your life, right? | ||
| Like, if someone who I was really close with was going out for news radio when I was on news radio, it would have scared the shit out of me. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because that decision to pick me over maybe one of my best friends, like, imagine if me and Brian Callen were both going out for news radio at the same time. | ||
| You're both in the same casting room. | ||
| It would have been a real issue. | ||
| It would have been a real issue because Brian is a brilliant actor. | ||
| He's really fucking funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's so fucking good. | |
| He's really funny. | ||
| So if he and I were in the same, it would be a real problem because at the time, I didn't know him in 94, but he became one of my best friends. | ||
| But imagine if I did know him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Imagine if he was my best friend and we were both going for the same gig. | ||
| Going for the same cut of meat is what it is. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's really, this is going to pay off my debt. | ||
| This is going to get me a fucking apartment, a place to live. | ||
| I can finally have a girlfriend and pay for her dinner. | ||
| Change is everything. | ||
| You go from being a guy who didn't know if he was going to pay his rent to a person that folks want to meet. | ||
| They want to meet you. | ||
| They want to meet you. | ||
| They're like, hey, I want to meet you, Whitney. | ||
| They want to meet you. | ||
| Like, what's going on here? | ||
| Now, your friend Sally, who was also going up for that fucking same role, but you were a little charminger. | ||
| The producers got together and were like, I think we go with Whitney. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Whitney. | ||
| It's Whitney. | ||
| They high-five. | ||
| Sally's life is fucking ruined! | ||
| And then I have to see her every night at the Comedy Store. | ||
| She hates me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That bitch. | |
| She hates you. | ||
| There's two slots. | ||
| Sometimes people hate you if you don't even have anything to do with what they do. | ||
| They just hate the fact that you have taken off. | ||
| And let me ask you, what's the primordial biological basis for that? | ||
| Starvation. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's less food for me or you're the chief of a different tribe. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's starvation. | ||
| It's starvation. | ||
| But it's also a test. | ||
| It's a test of your overall ability to perceive things outside of what's directly in front of you and to play the long game. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And to realize, like, what is really important? | ||
| What are the moments you cherish the most? | ||
| The moments we all cherish the most are moments amongst friends and loved ones. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| All of us. | ||
| Every person. | ||
| I mean, even if you just go on stage and you rock out in front of like 150 people, those people, now you're friends. | ||
| We've had a wonderful experience together. | ||
| We're in love, frankly. | ||
| We're in love. | ||
| I can't get off stage now. | ||
| I've been doing... | ||
| Just like smaller venues, which I fucking love. | ||
| Because I booked them before the big venues were open. | ||
| And I don't want to cancel them. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| These clubs haven't gotten income. | ||
| These waitresses haven't gotten fucking... | ||
| I was just at the Houston Improv. | ||
| I did 10 shows in the Spokane Comedy Club. | ||
| I heard that's great. | ||
| Dude, it's a perfect box. | ||
| The acoustics. | ||
| It is so fucking... | ||
| I heard it's great. | ||
| It reminds me of the... | ||
| Of course you remember. | ||
| The Comedy Connection. | ||
| Those low-ass fucking ceilings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crack, crack. | |
| In Boston. | ||
| It was perfect. | ||
| Boston Comedy Connections was like 150 people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| That's all it was. | ||
| There was nothing like, I remember one time I saw Lenny Clark blow up that building in a way. | ||
| Was that the Faneuil Hall one? | ||
| Faneuil Hall. | ||
| It was like in a mall. | ||
| Different one? | ||
| See, I'm before you. | ||
| There was another one that was tiny. | ||
| It was on Warrington Street. | ||
| That's where I started. | ||
| It was like 150 people. | ||
| It was one of my best clubs that I worked at. | ||
| It was so small. | ||
| The ceiling was like, 6'5". | ||
| Wow, that's sick. | ||
| So some tall person would be fucked. | ||
| Maybe I'm wrong. | ||
| Gary Goldman just couldn't do it. | ||
| Yeah, Gary Goldman would have a problem. | ||
| He couldn't reach up. | ||
| But if there was like, maybe 7 feet. | ||
| The point is, there's something about this low, tight box that's really good for comedy. | ||
| And I saw Bill Hicks go there. | ||
| That was the first time I ever saw Hicks. | ||
| I saw Hicks in that little room, and it was right after he did the Young Comedian special with Rodney. | ||
| I didn't even know exactly who he was. | ||
| I remember him from that show, and I remember, I'll go see that guy. | ||
| I was in town. | ||
| I had only been doing comedy for maybe a year, somewhere around there. | ||
| He was there, and he was in that little tiny room, and he was doing this bit about Tiffany. | ||
| I think we're alone now. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Meeting Jimi Hendrix at the mall. | ||
| And it was something about Jimi Hendrix coming to the mall to shame Tiffany for her fucking little girl music. | ||
| But it was a fake, like hypothetical? | ||
| Yeah, it was a bit. | ||
| It was just a bit. | ||
| So random. | ||
| He was doing this crazy bit about Jimi Hendrix meeting Tiffany at the mall. | ||
| And I remember going, whoa. | ||
| Just to be completely honest, it wasn't the funniest thing I'd ever seen. | ||
| But it was so interesting. | ||
| But the fucking balls to go in that direction and even spend time talking about something so random and specific. | ||
| Well, this was a thing. | ||
| It was funny, but it also made me think. | ||
| And it made me think of like, oh, okay. | ||
| I need to reconsider what I think about Stand-up comedy, because I think a comedy is being funny. | ||
| It's ultimately just about being funny. | ||
| It is definitely sometimes about being funny, but I think it's like music. | ||
| Like, some music is just fucking old-school run DMC, and some music is, you know, Liz Phair. | ||
| Like, it's different. | ||
| They're different, but they're equally awesome. | ||
| There's something about laughing 100% at everything someone says, and there's also something about someone doing something, like Hicks did, that you go, that's funny, but it's also, that is, wow, he's making me think. | ||
| He's making me really think about, like, what is mall music? | ||
| And this is, yeah, you're like, something I've never thought about before. | ||
| The same way we want to see pictures we've never seen. | ||
| We want to see porn we've never seen. | ||
| We want to see a pair of boobs we've never seen or whatever. | ||
| It's like, and I know this is a corny verb, but tickling a part of someone's brain. | ||
| So, like, I watched, speaking of Gary Goldman, I watched his last hour he was working out before the pandemic, and he did, like, 20 minutes on how mangoes have a low yield value. | ||
| Of fruit? | ||
| And it was just, I was like, I've just never thought about this. | ||
| I have notebooks and notebooks full of fucking jokes, comedians. | ||
| We've seen everything. | ||
| I've just like literally never thought about that before. | ||
| Patton Oswalt is my very favorite about doing that. | ||
| He takes premises that I would never see becoming a bit, and he makes them these elaborate, really well-written, thought-out bits. | ||
| I remember, was it the Werewolves one? | ||
| What was the name of that one album? | ||
| Something about werewolves and lollipops. | ||
| But in that one in particular, I was like, God, it's so admirable. | ||
| The way he explores places. | ||
| It commits and milks from every angle. | ||
| It's writing. | ||
| It's writing. | ||
| Natasha Leggera, I remember, once said something. | ||
| I remember when I first started doing stand-up at this place called M Bar in L.A. Because we started in bars and bowling alleys and sushi restaurants and shit in L.A. So when people are always like, L.A. is not hardcore comedy. | ||
| It's like, dude, have you ever done comedy in a fucking bowling alley? | ||
| Like, it is not a game. | ||
| And Miyagi's. | ||
| We used to do stand-up at... | ||
| I remember Duck and... | ||
| Remember when Duck and Trussell used to bring a fucking puppet on stage? | ||
| Yes, Lil' Hobo. | ||
| Do you know somebody stole Lil' Hobo? | ||
| Yeah, he had to get a new one. | ||
| Somebody stole his little hobo. | ||
| Someone out there has a little hobo and is probably listening to this right now. | ||
| By the way, the tinfoil hat people think that I'm a Satanist because I went to Duncan Trussell performing his special, his thing with Little Hobo. | ||
| What was the guy's name of the Satanist? | ||
| Anton LaVey's son? | ||
| It was a Stanton LeVay and Anton LeVay. | ||
| Anyway, a Satanist. | ||
| Duncan performed at a Satanist wedding. | ||
| And I went. | ||
| And I was with the dude going like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was it cool? | |
| That sounds fun and shit. | ||
| Well, it was fun. | ||
| It was Duncan doing his little hobo thing. | ||
| Because little hobo was a character that he did. | ||
| It was his grandpa's ventriloquist dummy who killed his grandpa. | ||
| And Duncan doesn't realize it until he's about to put little hobo to bed. | ||
| Like, he's supposed to bury little hobo with his grandpa. | ||
| I mean, there it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the Satanist on the right? | |
| Yeah, that's the Satanist on the right. | ||
| That fellow with the demon head. | ||
| Do you think that he takes his skin suit off and he becomes some sort of reptile? | ||
| I don't know, but that reminds me of a friend of mine. | ||
| I'm just going straight fucking gossip. | ||
| A friend of mine worked with David Copperfield and said that after shows, when they would tour, he'd go out on the balcony to have a cigarette and look over at David Copperfield's You know, the outdoor, and there would be a skin muscle suit hanging over the railing to dry off. | ||
| Oh, he wears a muscle suit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like a full body muscle suit underneath his clothes. | |
| I saw one of these Instagram videos the other day where a girl was about to do like a fitness video and they took these like fake boob gel things, you know those little things? | ||
| Chicken cutlets. | ||
| Those chicken cutlets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they stuck it in her buttocks and they made her buttocks stick out. | ||
| But she put them in. | ||
| I wear sometimes... | ||
| You want to see it? | ||
| I think I have it. | ||
| I sometimes wear butt pad underwear. | ||
| I started doing it a little bit. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Congratulations. | |
| I did it during the pandemic a couple times because I was not doing squats the way I was supposed to be doing squats and I was just too embarrassed about my pancake ass during the pandemic. | ||
| I'm going to send you this, Jamie. | ||
| I'm going to send you this, Jamie. | ||
| Hold on, real quick about Joan Rivers. | ||
| I have that pinned in my brain because she was one of the first comics when they're like, oh, she sold out and went on the red carpet. | ||
| She was fucking roasting celebrities to their face saying, fuck you, Hollywood. | ||
| You never embraced me. | ||
| Now I'm just going to make fun of you and make a career out of that. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That was ballsy as fuck at the time. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| She was not one of those comedians that was like, I'm doing comedy just to get a TV show. | ||
| She's a beast. | ||
| Jamie, I'm going to send you something that's equally ballsy. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Wait, are they... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So look at this lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're sticking these chicken cutlets in their buttocks. | |
| They're making her butt muscles stick out. | ||
| It's just for the Instagram. | ||
| Okay, for the gram. | ||
| So, here's what you need to know. | ||
| They actually do this with operations. | ||
| So this girl, what she's doing right now, making her buttocks stick out more. | ||
| Implants, you mean? | ||
| Yeah, they do that with buttocks. | ||
| They actually do a bag, like a titty bag, in your buttocks. | ||
| Well, there's a couple ways. | ||
| Okay, so there's one that redistributes the fat in your body and injects it in your butt. | ||
| But you can burn that off. | ||
| Yeah, that's scary. | ||
| Because that makes that makes oatmeal look is That visual really just fucking brewing my day, sorry Sorry. | ||
| Think of brown sugar. | ||
| But remember we've texted shit back and forth of like, is it like a lot of Russian models that just inject cement into their ass? | ||
| They died. | ||
| People died. | ||
| There was one that I sent you where this lady got a horrible infection and she died. | ||
| And her skin had literally, like, rot. | ||
| She had developed necrosis on her ass because someone did some sort of, like, fucking backyard caulking gun ass injection thing. | ||
| This poor lady, she died. | ||
| She had this horrible infection. | ||
| Yeah, no shit. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| It's like, just go do squats. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, aren't there, you tell me, are there limits to how, like when I see an ass, like these girls that like work out like crazy, I try to do it, I have a trainer, is there a limit to how my genetics will allow my ass to look? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Without pharmacological intervention, there's a limit. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| And you don't want that pharmacological intervention because it'll introduce male hormones. | ||
| Because it's about to get... | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| It's about getting... | ||
| Because I am obsessed with having a bigger, stronger... | ||
| Just in general, can I tell you, on stage as I get older and as physical as my... | ||
| I'm doing this bit right now about how I love dating... | ||
| I'm dating a younger guy now, but I love dating older guys because their music, every now and then you get to listen to R. Kelly by accident. | ||
| And it's not your fault. | ||
| Trapped in the closet? | ||
| You get a free listen to Ignition and you're not supporting a sexual predator because they just didn't hear about it on Yahoo News or whatever. | ||
| And I do this whole dance on stage where I'm listening to R. Kelly for the first time in years. | ||
| And I was like, I'm winded, dude. | ||
| Stand-up's not... | ||
| Not athletic. | ||
| I need to be in fucking shape to be on stage. | ||
| I was trying to do all these squats and I got that machine that you got where you lay down and it's like a giant Kegel. | ||
| Your ankles go up behind you, remember? | ||
| Reverse hyper. | ||
| Reverse hyper. | ||
| Giant Kegels, that's a vagina exercise, right? | ||
| When I get on it, that's all I do. | ||
| Reverse hyper is for your lower back. | ||
| That's why I'm confused. | ||
| I'm like, how does this... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That makes so much sense because my ass hasn't gotten bigger and my lower back hurts. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's not how you develop your ass. | ||
| How do you get the top of your ass? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Squats. | |
| You want squats. | ||
| Yeah, deep squats. | ||
| Here and down. | ||
| Yeah, and I don't do anything other than kettlebell workout. | ||
| I don't do... | ||
| I'm not opposed to it. | ||
| I'll do it occasionally, like some barbell stuff. | ||
| But I like things where I have to hold heavy weights independently. | ||
| So if I have like a 70 pound in this one, a 70 pound in this one, I'll do a bunch of different shit. | ||
| It makes me work as a unit. | ||
| But with the butt, to think about the butt is you're trying to develop mass. | ||
| And the only way to really develop... | ||
| Oh no! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no! | |
| Why are you posting photos of Annie Letterman's not on this podcast today? | ||
| Stop posting her news. | ||
| That's boba. | ||
| That's like that boba tea. | ||
| Cardi B is pretty open about having gotten wild, like random injections. | ||
| Like a lot of strippers were just getting these injections. | ||
| She still looks good. | ||
| In Brooklyn, and then she just got the new ones. | ||
| Oh, the new ones. | ||
| Yeah, because they were just getting filler in their butt. | ||
| I would do that. | ||
| You don't need to do that. | ||
| Just do squats. | ||
| You want what you deserve. | ||
| Understand me? | ||
| You want what you deserve. | ||
| You don't deserve someone like going, look at that ass, when it's a fucking water bag behind a tissue that's been surgically sliced open and stitched up. | ||
| Do you want to be that person? | ||
| You want to live a dream? | ||
| Why don't you just get a fucking Batman mask sewed to your neck and pretend you're Batman. | ||
| Works for Rusty Dooley. | ||
| You're not Batman and that's not your real ass. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Just do some squats. | ||
| There's a reason why men are attracted to a woman with a big ass. | ||
| Fertility. | ||
| Genetics. | ||
| Fertility. | ||
| And two, dedication to the game. | ||
| This girl, she's hitting the gym so hard because she likes attention so much for looking good. | ||
| When she goes out and she's got high heels on and a crazy granite booty and she's walking. | ||
| Granite? | ||
| Oh, got it, got it. | ||
| Granite. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| A woman with, like, thick thighs save lives. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Big ass. | ||
| Lauren Sanchez. | ||
| You earn that ass. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| You earn it. | ||
| That's the only way you get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You gotta earn it. | |
| But doesn't that also mean she's in the gym three hours a day? | ||
| She must not have a job. | ||
| I don't need a girl with a job. | ||
| Men don't need a girl with a child. | ||
| Chris Rock had that whole thing after Tiger Woods when everyone was like, he cheated with waitresses and bottle girls. | ||
| And he was like, we don't care what you do. | ||
| That's a fact. | ||
| That's a fact. | ||
| This is what men want, legitimately. | ||
| You need to be interesting, compatible, and nice. | ||
| And chill. | ||
| But also, we enhance each other. | ||
| I want you to have a good time. | ||
| I want to have a good time. | ||
| And if you can't, then we can't. | ||
| This is not going to work out, whether it's chemically, whether it's fucking oil and water, whatever the mixture is. | ||
| Some people it works, and some people it doesn't. | ||
| And there's no magic formula. | ||
| And there's people that I've met that are like, yeah, man, my ex-girlfriend was a fucking asshole, but now she's happily married to some other guy. | ||
| Was she an asshole, or was she just an asshole in mixture with your personality? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Maybe you're annoying. | ||
| My ex is crazy. | ||
| My ex is crazy. | ||
| The common denominator in all your crazy exes is fucking you. | ||
| And I do think it's about finding whatever that compatible thing is. | ||
| And you also are such a fucking good example. | ||
| And I tell all my guy friends, you have such a full life. | ||
| And you're one of the few people I know that when they got married, they didn't abandon all their guy friendships. | ||
| Well, you've got to be careful with that because there's a lot of guys that, for whatever reason, when they get married, they want everybody else to be married, too. | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| It's so true. | ||
| They go, you need to be married, bro. | ||
| You need to be married. | ||
| You need to be married and you need to have a family. | ||
| And I'm always like, listen, you don't have to do any of those things. | ||
| You can be a fulfilled person with no children. | ||
| But for me personally, I will tell you that when I had children, it fucking profoundly changed me. | ||
| And just becoming responsible and being a father and all that stuff, it shifts the way you perceive the world. | ||
| And I've talked about this a hundred times, but I'll say it one more time. | ||
| I looked at people like they're babies. | ||
| I never looked at people like they're babies before. | ||
| Because I only met people when they were whoever they were when I met them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I never saw them grow up from babies. | ||
| And when you see it for the first time, you see a baby and then like six months later, you're like, oh my God, we're all babies. | ||
| And we're blaming people for shit experiences. | ||
| And for a lot of times, what develops you and what forms you, you have zero control over. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, you're 25 and you're fucked and you got a face tattoo. | ||
| And you're like, what am I doing? | ||
| You don't even know what you're doing. | ||
| And it's barely your fault. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And everybody wants to blame you. | ||
| That's right, because whatever blueprint you got, whatever conditioning you got, and it's taken me so long to realize that I'm in a place of such radical forgiveness now, almost to the point of being too sort of a silver lining person. | ||
| No, no, no, no, you're not. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| You're in the right zone. | ||
| But when I just go, like when I look at people, cancel culture, you know, vultures or people that are making negative comments and comics, whenever they come to my podcast, everyone just wants to talk about negative comments. | ||
| And I'm like, look at these people as children that didn't get what they needed. | ||
| These are people that were neglected, that were hurt, that were abused, like hurt people hurt people. | ||
| Like once you start looking people as their inner child and stop pretending like they're mature adults, it's just we're all just children in adult suits. | ||
| You start not taking everything so fucking personally. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I talk to Robert Sapolsky, you know, he's the guy... | ||
| Do you know who he is? | ||
| He's a Stanford professor. | ||
| He's a really, really fascinating guy. | ||
| I stopped getting involved with Stanford professors. | ||
| But anyway, we'll talk about that later. | ||
| He did a lot of work on toxoplasmosis, which I've been really fascinated by. | ||
| The rat? | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| The cat parasite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And I wanted to talk to him about that, but along the way, one of the things that he said that I thought was really profound, he said that the thing that he thinks would be the most looked upon, like in the future, when they look back on this era, like the biggest mistake we made is making people responsible for all of their own actions. | ||
| I thought you were going to say Zoom comedy shows. | ||
| Well, listen, if you're doing a Zoom comedy show in May of 2021, you need to stop. | ||
| You need to stop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You need to stop. | |
| It's enough. | ||
| Now, if you do regular shows too and you want to do it for a goof, okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But if all you do is Zoom comedy shows, shh. | ||
| Give me a hug. | ||
| Come give me a hug. | ||
| Call your dad. | ||
| Come give me a hug. | ||
| Call your dad. | ||
| See what happened. | ||
| Figure out what happened. | ||
| Getbetterhelp.com. | ||
| The toxoplasmosis. | ||
| Sapolsky was... | ||
| Blaming people for their choices. | ||
| He was talking about people blaming people for whoever they are and what they do. | ||
| And he was talking about determinism versus free will. | ||
| And it made me really think, especially coming from a guy like him, who's just analyzing the data and looking at people from sort of an anthropological and psychological perspective. | ||
| He's examining what it takes to become the kind of thing that you see right in front of you, whether it's an orangutan or whatever it is. | ||
| And he said it's going to be one of the biggest mistakes that we've made. | ||
| Holding people accountable for their irrational behaviors. | ||
| My mom loves me. | ||
| She's a nice lady. | ||
| And my stepdad loves me, and he's a good guy. | ||
| Like, I've got really lucky. | ||
| It wasn't a perfect life, but it was just fucked up enough, where there was enough confusion, enough weirdness, that it made me hyper-ambitious. | ||
| I might owe them an edible arrangement for the adversity they provided. | ||
| There's a minor amount of adversity compared to other people that I've met who have had massive adversity, like being raped, like boys that have been raped and guys that have been beat up relentlessly and stepdads that abused them. | ||
| Violence at school and being arrested when they were 17 and fucking craziness. | ||
| And you expect this guy that you run into at 23 years old to have a shit 100% together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not going to happen. | ||
| And he's not me. | ||
| When I was 23, I was way easier than that guy. | ||
| But I was probably less easier than some guy who grew up in some really sheltered environment where you're taught chess when you're fucking 10. Yeah. | ||
| Everybody's got a different thing that they went through. | ||
| When you run into people, you literally have no idea what they've gone through when you're first meeting them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| You don't know. | ||
| And the real issue is, you want to talk about inequality, like people always like to talk about inequality of income. | ||
| And that's a real thing, I guess, that some people make more than other people. | ||
| But here's a big problem. | ||
| Inequality of setup. | ||
| Inequality of like what you went through to get to where you are now. | ||
| Whether you're 10 or 20 or 50. It's like, what was your ride? | ||
| Did you get dropped off in the middle of the fucking desert with no water? | ||
| Or did you get dropped off in Costa Rica in a rainforest, eating wild mangoes, having a good time with your friends? | ||
| What was your ride? | ||
| Were you in Tokyo? | ||
| Or were you in fucking northern Michigan in a log cabin? | ||
| Like, what's your ride? | ||
| And to pretend that those experiences that either of those people go through, any of those people go through, are all the same, and that at 23 you should have your shit together, or 28 or 58, whatever the fuck it is, whatever your number is. | ||
| No, everyone's different. | ||
| This ride's different. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's the problem with people being upset at people for who they are and not looking at things with legitimate empathy and compassion. | ||
| And also, honestly, I know this is dorky. | ||
| I have I Love You tattooed on my forearm in white because I'm too much of a pussy. | ||
| I can't even see it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| You don't see it? | ||
| I don't see shit. | ||
| Yes, you do. | ||
| I don't see a goddamn thing. | ||
| Yes, you do. | ||
| See? | ||
| I love you. | ||
| It's in white, so it's more like scarification. | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| How do you not see that? | ||
| Did you get the same vaccine Chelsea Handler got? | ||
| You can't see all of a sudden? | ||
| I see something on my phone. | ||
| Do you not see that? | ||
| It's better on my phone. | ||
| And you need to see a fucking deer from two miles away and you can't see that? | ||
| I know it's white on white, but this is a white type. | ||
| I'm thinking to do my whole body like that. | ||
| Like, Deontay Wilder has his whole chest done in black. | ||
| I'm going to do my shit in white. | ||
| Just have white everywhere. | ||
| It's dope, though, because it's basically scarification. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I'm saying. | |
| So it supposedly hurts more. | ||
| I'm into it. | ||
| And see, I have another white one right here. | ||
| Do you not see that? | ||
| What happens if you get a sunburn? | ||
| What happens if you do your whole body in black? | ||
| Are you doing blackface? | ||
| There's a guy who did that. | ||
| On his face? | ||
| Yeah, he did everything. | ||
| No, he did his arms, his chest, and everything. | ||
| See if you can find this. | ||
| He's a bodybuilder. | ||
| Kai Greene? | ||
| No, he's a real black guy. | ||
| You know, some black guys, I mean some white guys rather, they put that dye on to look dark, but they don't do their face. | ||
| Like Tanner? | ||
| Tanner? | ||
| You can call it Tanner. | ||
| I'm going to call it like pen ink. | ||
| It's makeup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because that's really what it is. | |
| Yeah, so there's this guy. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| Yeah, this guy tattooed his entire body, but not African American black. | ||
| This is like gorilla black. | ||
| By the way, homies, quite jacked. | ||
| Do you think he went to the hog? | ||
| But asymmetrical. | ||
| Isn't the whole thing about symmetry and bodybuilding? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It looks great. | |
| Look, do you think he went down to the hog? | ||
| That's what I want to know. | ||
| Pulled back. | ||
| What does down to the hog mean? | ||
| We're at his dick root. | ||
| Oh, down to his hog. | ||
| He didn't go full blackface on his left hand. | ||
| You can't tattoo a small dick black. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Look how far he went down. | ||
| I'm curious. | ||
| So who did this tattoo and how long did it take? | ||
| Well, look at that guy in the middle. | ||
| The guy with the design. | ||
| The guy with the design. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Up on top. | ||
| Above. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's kind of dope. | ||
| Is that... | ||
| That's kind of dope. | ||
| Or not. | ||
| Shut your mouth. | ||
| That looks dope. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| He's got a fucking pharaoh. | ||
| That's a pharaoh. | ||
| He's got suits uncommon. | ||
| That's appropriation. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Maybe he's Egyptian. | ||
| You racist. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| Cancel her! | ||
| That's not racism. | ||
| That's erasure. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| Go back to that. | ||
| When I see that much, I just go, this guy's unemployed and he can't provide for my... | ||
| And it makes you wet. | ||
| And it... | ||
| That's what starts the party. | ||
| If I'm on birth control, but not if I'm not. | ||
| This is hot. | ||
| I like the butt tattoos. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| I think those are the ones that they do with like a needle. | ||
| Angelina Jolie did one where it's like with just a needle. | ||
| I'm looking to get like a wild tattoo. | ||
| You can get a pharaoh on your stomach. | ||
| That's pretty wild. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| The thing about a guy like that is, go back to that. | ||
| Now, just as an aesthetic person, a person looking at images, that takes away from your six pack. | ||
| I'm sorry, but it does. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| The guy's jacked. | ||
| Like, for sure that guy has a crazy body. | ||
| But you can't really tell? | ||
| You can't really tell. | ||
| Like, that guy has a fucking perfect body. | ||
| He's like a superhero. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He looks like Captain America. | ||
| Right? | ||
| He's perfect. | ||
| But meanwhile, where's his cock? | ||
| His cock is probably like a sphinx head. | ||
| But it also looks like a bathing suit. | ||
| Okay, I see what's happening here. | ||
| Oh, that's the same dude? | ||
| Oh, same tattoos. | ||
| I don't imagine there's two guys with the same... | ||
| Oh, I see is the lack of a 401k. | ||
| This guy might be a copy. | ||
| All I see is that I'm... | ||
| All you see is credit card debt. | ||
| That's all I see. | ||
| All I see is a bad credit score. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| Well, that guy might be a copycat. | ||
| Imagine if a guy got all the same tattoos as you, the way Steve-O did with Angelina Jolie. | ||
| Oh, did he get all the same tattoos? | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He has all Angelina Jolie's tattoos. | |
| Well, like her child's birthday. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| That's so fucking funny. | ||
| Every time she gets a tattoo, he gets the same tattoo. | ||
| He's got a Billy Bob tattoo. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Tattoos as a joke is so fucking funny to me. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| He's such a fucking nice dude. | ||
| He's such a nice dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a sweetheart of a guy. | |
| He's always been a sweetheart of a guy. | ||
| I always try to tell him to stop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because he's always like, I'm going to let Chuck Adele kick me in the head. | |
| Like, hey, man, don't do that. | ||
| This motherfucker, well, when he had his, you know, because he's, like, touring and trying to do, like, you know, he does, like, a stand-up show, had a stand-up special. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He duct-taped himself to the side of a billboard. | ||
| Fucksy world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| On Sunset Boulevard, like, the motherfucker is the most brave bitch on the planet. | ||
| His girlfriend, or now wife, I think, Lux, I love her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's great. | |
| They're great together. | ||
| They fit like a glove. | ||
| They did it a hundred percent. | ||
| They did this bit where they went around like Runyon Canyon in LA or something and she had a used tampon. | ||
| She was asking people, it was a prank, asking people to take photos of her. | ||
| Like, can you take a photo? | ||
| And then she had a bloody tampon fall out of her pussy while she was posing. | ||
| And people would be like, uh, and a lot of people just pretended they didn't see it. | ||
| Like, they're such a fucking fun. | ||
| You just have to find someone who laughs at the same sick shit as you. | ||
| Yeah, well, you can't be with someone who wants to be an accountant like you. | ||
| Like, imagine if some dude was an accountant and was like, Whitney, I just think you should really calm down your act and maybe perhaps stop with letting other men grab your breasts on stage. | ||
| I mean, it's just like, it's not asking a lot. | ||
| That was an old man who had never touched... | ||
| I saw a young guy grabbing your tits. | ||
| That was just... | ||
| That's a different... | ||
| You're correct. | ||
| Yeah, there's more than one guy grabbing your tits. | ||
| That is my brand, and how dare you. | ||
| You have fanny packs and kettlebells. | ||
| My brand. | ||
| My fanny pack is secondhand, I told you. | ||
| It's thirdhand. | ||
| It comes from Ruth's, which is introduced to me by Dice. | ||
| It's not mine. | ||
| I like to bring people on... | ||
| I think to me, I don't do crowd work. | ||
| I feel like it's cheating most of the time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I think that after not being around human beings for so long and being so grateful that people were fucking showing up and, you know, buying tickets and tipping fucking waitresses and I just had so much gratitude and I just wanted to talk to fans. | ||
| And I was like, come on stage! | ||
| And then it quickly denigrated. | ||
| Yeah, the tits out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I cheat on stage. | ||
| Come see me cheat on my boyfriend on stage. | ||
| With ladies, too. | ||
| Sometimes old ones. | ||
| Yeah, no, I made out with a bunch of lesbians in Spokane. | ||
| And it's just, to me, it's like... | ||
| Saying lesbians in Spokane is like, I get it. | ||
| You said Spokane. | ||
| Right, it was redundant. | ||
| I stayed in a place called Coeur d'Alene. | ||
| Have you been there? | ||
| I've heard it's amazing. | ||
| In Idaho, it's fucking gorgeous. | ||
| How far away is that from Spokane? | ||
| About an hour. | ||
| I would say like 40 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Shaw did it. | ||
| He did gigs out there. | ||
| He did the same thing. | ||
| He got a B&B. Yes, that's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| And then, you know that it has the highest Bigfoot sightings, I think, in Spokane. | ||
| Also meth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And white supremacists. | ||
| And 100% of the people that do meth saw Bigfoot. | ||
| And there's like Ku Klux Klan up there, right? | ||
| And there are like white separatists up there? | ||
| Sorry, if you are, I don't want to offend you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you're one of the white separatists, like, you're misrepresenting our Klan! | |
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, Spokane is, but I love... | ||
| No, no, no, not Spokane. | ||
| Oh, Coeur d'Alene outside. | ||
| But also that area, too. | ||
| Like, Washington State has a lot of little loony separatists. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Those separatist guys, we need to hunt them down and give them ecstasy and hug them all. | ||
| I mean, look, did you ever see that? | ||
| There was a movie that came out and they pulled it because it was too incendiary or divisive or something. | ||
| It started Betty Gilpin. | ||
| Was it really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was it? | |
| What was it about? | ||
| That hurts. | ||
| How hard is it to... | ||
| Okay, I'm going to ask you two questions because you're Joe Rogan. | ||
| Can you really kill someone by pushing their nose into their brain? | ||
| No. | ||
| 100% bullshit. | ||
| You fucked up my whole plan. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| There was always a thing, right? | ||
| Shit. | ||
| So this got pulled. | ||
| It was about liberals hunting conservatives or conservatives hunting liberals? | ||
| And they had to pull it, right? | ||
| It came out, though. | ||
| Like six months later. | ||
| Who made this? | ||
| That's Betty Gilpin. | ||
| She's a beast. | ||
| Was it Blumhouse? | ||
| The Hunt, it was called. | ||
| And it was like trophy hunting, but conservatives would hunt liberals? | ||
| Well, listen, the reason why a movie like that would work is because it's possible. | ||
| There's so many people that are so angry. | ||
| I think Sturgill Simpson's in it also, by the way. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Of course he is. | ||
| He definitely told me he was doing a movie. | ||
| He was learning how to shoot guns. | ||
| I introduced him to Thomas McNamara. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| He plays a rapper. | ||
| I remember seeing him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, what the fuck? | |
| Is that Sturgill Simpson? | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| What a wild... | ||
| Did you see Jamie Kennedy just did some movie about abortion or something? | ||
| I think Ben Shapiro's funding movies. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Because Jamie Kennedy was the one that I was telling you yesterday that released a video on his Instagram about people getting microchipped with the vaccine. | ||
| They were putting magnets on the site where they got vaccinated. | ||
| They were saying, look, it's a magnet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-oh. | |
| Hey, Jamie, stop following Tim Dillon. | ||
| This is the video. | ||
| So it says, you tell me RIP to my comment section. | ||
| By the way, Jamie Kennedy, I know him. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| He's probably fucking around. | ||
| What's his picture? | ||
| Is that him? | ||
| What's his profile picture? | ||
| It's Mickey Rourke and the wrestler. | ||
| We talked about this. | ||
| But this lady, look at this lady's putting this magnet on her shoulder. | ||
| And when she does, it sticks there. | ||
| But then she puts it on the other side, and she says that's where she got... | ||
| Are you sure that's not a nicotine patch? | ||
| No, go with the volume so you can hear it, because she gets crazy. | ||
| She's like, that's it! | ||
| We're chipped! | ||
| We're fucked! | ||
| Well, she's wearing a mask inside, so I already think she's an idiot. | ||
| You can't figure it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're chipped. | |
| - We're all fucked. - Wait, I don't, I don't understand. | ||
| She put the magnet over the spot where she got vaccinated and she sees a microchip in there so the magnet is sticking on her arm. | ||
| I think it got stuck in the cellulite. | ||
| I think this is Russian propaganda. | ||
| They're trying to make us go crazy. | ||
| I'm obsessed with Russian propaganda. | ||
| I'm obsessed with Russia. | ||
| So I have these Russian movers that move all my shit, right? | ||
| Which, by the way, fucking... | ||
| When Tim Dillon moved to Agora Hills and then moved to... | ||
| I had to hire them like 15 times to get Tim's furniture in and out. | ||
| What is Tim? | ||
| Your child? | ||
| Is he your son? | ||
| Tim Dillon is, we're like a fucked up married couple. | ||
| I don't know what to tell you. | ||
| It's very sadistic. | ||
| It's very Bonnie and Clyde. | ||
| But he, we had these Russian movers. | ||
| I'm obsessed with the, so most Russian people, if you talk to them, they say that they believe, it's very common knowledge over there, that Vladimir Putin has a double that got plastic surgery to look exactly like him for public appearances. | ||
| They said that about Melania, too, but I believe it for Vladimir Putin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Putin? | |
| Whatever you want to call him. | ||
| Remember that movie, Dave, with Kevin Kline, where the president got sick and they had to find his twin? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Remember when they thought Melania had a double? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| I auditioned for that part. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
| The double was making out with Donald, and everybody's like, Melania hates him, but this double, she's got a fake nose, and she's wearing weird sunglasses, and she'd be really affectionate with Donald. | ||
| Will you look up someone, Jamie, called April Tillman? | ||
| Have you done your 23andMe ancestry stuff? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And? | ||
| I got a whole bit on it tonight. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You were doing shit at the comedy store before the pandemic that was fucking cracking so hard. | ||
| So this is not me. | ||
| What about her? | ||
| April Tillman? | ||
| Oh, people think it's you? | ||
| That's not me. | ||
| But look, pull out, because that's Whitney right there. | ||
| That's me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But not on the far left. | ||
| That's not me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| She looks exactly like me. | ||
| She doesn't look like you. | ||
| You don't think? | ||
| No. | ||
| If, like, she showed up at my house, hi, I'm Whitney, I'd be like, bitch, who the fuck are you? | ||
| I know what you look like. | ||
| But you know me well. | ||
| I've seen you a million times. | ||
| You've seen me in bad lighting, you've seen me in the comedy store. | ||
| Yeah, but that lady's not you. | ||
| I'd be like, that's not her. | ||
| If they tried to make them look like each other, I bet they'd look exactly alike. | ||
| Dude, if I just do a couple things, I feel like we can both do dates the same night. | ||
| I can teach her to do stand-up. | ||
| That bitch isn't funny. | ||
| I'm not buying it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm kidding, lady. | ||
| You might be funny. | ||
| What's her name? | ||
| Well, April Tillman. | ||
| I'm sorry, April. | ||
| She's a Pilates instructor in Portland. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| You're blowing up April Tillman? | ||
| I thought she was an actress. | ||
| But they say that we have about six people. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| You guys do look the same. | ||
| We have the same gums. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| I'm sorry, April. | ||
| I'm wrong. | ||
| The same wrinkles in our face. | ||
| Look at you guys together. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| 100% could be our sister. | ||
| It's fucking our teeth, our gums, our crow's feet. | ||
| And you look exactly the same age, too. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It's a little fucking weird, dude. | ||
| Oh, well, because you know my last special, I had the robot maid. | ||
| Dude, that's so crazy. | ||
| And I wanted to have her do all my press for me, like Jimmy Kimmel or whatever the fuck talk show. | ||
| Imagine if you did that. | ||
| I had her come out for me in Spokane. | ||
| I flew her up to Coeur d'Alene and put her on stage and I trained her. | ||
| I'm working on the video for Instagram right now where she was like impersonating me but she was too sweet and no one bought that it was me. | ||
| She was like, hey everybody! | ||
| Whereas I'm like, what's up bitches? | ||
| But I set her on stage and people thought it was me for like a good minute and a half. | ||
| When I did Chicago, I did Chicago theater like Oh God, I don't even know what it was, like maybe 2012 or some shit like that. | ||
| I had Callan go on stage as me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh shit. | |
| So they introduced Joe Rogan and Brian Callan walks on stage and people were clapping and cheering. | ||
| He's like, hey, what's up? | ||
| How's everybody doing? | ||
| But there was a weird moment where everybody was like, what the fuck is happening? | ||
| But there's an interesting confirmation bias when people just want to look for evidence, which is always such an interesting thought experiment because I do think that's what people do now. | ||
| They have decided something, whether it's right or not, and then they just look for evidence to prove themselves right for their ego. | ||
| That's definitely true. | ||
| And they'll discard any new information, whereas comedians say what the fuck you want about us, but we're the people like, oh, I didn't know that. | ||
| I'm going to change my mind now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whereas a lot of people are just looking for things to prove the dumb shit they already believe. | ||
| There's definitely a lot of that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hard for people to accept... | ||
| I talked about this yesterday with this guy, Andy Norman, who wrote this book, Mental Immunity. | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
| He's a professor, and he was talking about... | ||
| The whole book is about ideas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does he say? | |
| Stop drinking whiskey during the day? | ||
| No, he said, go ahead, do that. | ||
| Mind parasites. | ||
| Yeah, but that's like a lot of bad ideas, or like mind parasites. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Well, also, I think that humans, and I was thinking about this earlier when you brought up, like, stand-up and the fear of heights and the fears that we inherit. | ||
| Like, the fear of being embarrassed. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's bad for people. | ||
| It's so deep. | ||
| And I don't think we talk about it enough because a lot of people, I can't remember who, I'm plagiarizing, but it was probably Chris Rock or Luis E.K. who's like, stand-up is how we control how we're embarrassed. | ||
| I'm going to embarrass myself before, I'm going to make fun of myself before you can fucking do it. | ||
| Yeah, that's for sure, right? | ||
| Embarrassment means death, not getting a mate, not procreating. | ||
| Shame and embarrassment is such a motherfucker. | ||
| Right, because it's a rejection of your position in the social circle. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You're low on the totem pole and you're the first to die. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or you're not, depending on how you handle it. | ||
| Remember Lord of the Flies? | ||
| Was that what it's called? | ||
| That movie is savage as shit. | ||
| That's how people are. | ||
| Remember what happened when the George Floyd protests went down and people just started roaming through the streets, smashing people's windows and doing crazy shit? | ||
| It was so interesting, so telling, because there was a moment where there was the perfect... | ||
| There's a convergence of all these different things that were happening that were bad. | ||
| There was a perfect merging of chaos and anger. | ||
| And nothing to lose. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Watching the George Floyd death. | ||
| But the fact that George Floyd death was multiple months into this pandemic. | ||
| That was scary. | ||
| So everybody's fears were heightened and then all of a sudden everybody got into extreme poverty because the money wasn't rolling in. | ||
| And the stimulus checks, they kept promising us. | ||
| They weren't happening. | ||
| And we were seeing evidence of government hypocrisy and the fact they didn't really care. | ||
| People started getting freaked out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And we were on our phones all day. | |
| So we watched the whole video. | ||
| Nine fucking minutes. | ||
| And you're scared of each other because literally running into someone could give you a disease that could kill you. | ||
| The first time in our lives where you could run into someone if they don't have a mask on, they could spit in your mouth and you could be dead. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| The only way I can come. | ||
| That's when you've never had that before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Just to have COVID spit in my mouth. | ||
| She's got T-cells. | ||
| It's been a great year for me. | ||
| Let's give her some D-cells. | ||
| And it was wild. | ||
| I think about that. | ||
| And who was it that was talking, it might have even been on your podcast, that when we are in fear, our IQ goes down because our frontal lobe shuts off and our amygdala is running. | ||
| We get dumber when we're scared. | ||
| Well, 100%. | ||
| That's what happens to fighters. | ||
| When fighters panic, they start fighting shitty. | ||
| They don't use good technique, and they can't see the whole picture. | ||
| They get binders on, blinders on, and they start looking at things really narrowly. | ||
| They just start doing one technique over and over again, hoping to end the anxiety of this particularly scary moment. | ||
| Instead of being able to see it. | ||
| When a fighter is loose and relaxed, it's a cool thing to watch because they see things. | ||
| Like if a relaxed fighter is fighting a fighter who's terrified, it's really interesting because the relaxed fighter, he sees all these openings, but the tense fighter is so fucking worried about his own existence and just... | ||
| Fight or flight. | ||
| Yeah, and he's overwhelmed by it. | ||
| It's almost like being drunk. | ||
| Like, a little bit of alcohol is like, ah, I love you, I love you! | ||
| But a lot of alcohol is you're throwing up on the curb, you're falling apart, you don't know what to do. | ||
| A little bit of anxiety is what I like. | ||
| I like a little. | ||
| Every time I go on stage, I get a little nervous. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I get in trouble for this all the time. | ||
| I talk about it on my podcast all the time because there's this new trend where people are like, I have an anxiety disorder. | ||
| I know there's real ones. | ||
| I have a family member who couldn't get out of bed every day, had agoraphobia. | ||
| I get what that... | ||
| I don't know what this real debilitating mental obstacle is, but when people are like, I just have anxiety or I have social anxiety, that's probably your body trying to tell you something or it's fueled to do something interesting. | ||
| So for me, I spent all this time in my 20s being like, I have social anxiety, I go to parties and I feel anxious. | ||
| No, these people just suck. | ||
| This is my body telling me to get out of this party and then I go to the comedy store and I'm around comics that are... | ||
| Most people would say, this is toxic. | ||
| I feel safe there. | ||
| That's where I have an absence of anxiety. | ||
| I feel understood, whatever. | ||
| Maybe your anxiety is just trying to tell you to get out of this situation and it's helpful information. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I think you're dead right. | ||
| I think when you're around people that care about you, you feel good. | ||
| You're around people that are looking out for you. | ||
| They vibrate on the same frequency. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The thing about the store that's always been interesting is there's a lot of camaraderie there. | ||
| There's a lot of love and family there. | ||
| And there's a lot of people that didn't experience that, so they get angry. | ||
| I didn't get the love. | ||
| Fuck that place. | ||
| But it's not that you couldn't have. | ||
| You get out what you put in. | ||
| But you do get out what you put in, but also maybe you didn't have the right conversations. | ||
| You didn't see the right people. | ||
| Like if I knew somebody that was like, you know, the comedy store, they're not fucking, they don't care about me. | ||
| They're fucking shitty. | ||
| You know, it's just a boys club. | ||
| I'd be like, please come with me. | ||
| Please, please. | ||
| We're all okay. | ||
| Like, if I could take you to that back bar and we could all hang out and joke around, you would realize, like, oh my god, these people are so nice. | ||
| Everyone's so nice. | ||
| The nicest, but if you feel... | ||
| I always said this because I started getting all these calls about, let's talk about how toxic the comic store. | ||
| I was like, bitch, I'm not the person to fucking call about this because that is a warm hug to me. | ||
| And if you come in with judgments about these people, you're gonna find what you're looking for. | ||
| But here's what part of it is. | ||
| It's a walled garden. | ||
| There's this thing that's happening in this place where you can't get in. | ||
| There's this weird club, and inside that club is Anthony Jeselnik, and you, and Annie Letterman, and Diaz, and these savages, and they're erupting these rooms. | ||
| And Rick Ingram, and Theo Vaughn, and it's chaos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. | |
| And you can't get a spot. | ||
| So you think somehow or another you're not being respected. | ||
| So to me, when people are always like, I'm not getting a spouse, I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm like, try to follow Joey Diaz. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| And the OR, I've done it. | ||
| Every time I've had to follow Joey Diaz, I'm literally stretching in the hallway. | ||
| And I know that for the first three minutes of my set, I just have to acknowledge Joey Diaz. | ||
| I have to do callbacks to Joey Diaz because I know they just miss him for the first three minutes. | ||
| I just have to ease them into... | ||
| You know, that's why I started bringing him on the road with me. | ||
| To follow him. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Genius. | ||
| Listen, I work out. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I'm here to work out. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I'm not here to spar with white belts. | ||
| I want to spar with good brown belts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't get better. | |
| I want to get in a dangerous place. | ||
| Joey's a fucking master. | ||
| He's a red belt. | ||
| He's a grand master. | ||
| When Joey's done, people get up and go to the back. | ||
| The show's over. | ||
| They go outside to do coke. | ||
| They can't even handle it anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, what are we doing? | |
| And they're all, like, texting their friends. | ||
| I just saw Joey Diaz. | ||
| And you're just up there eating shit. | ||
| Listen, I always tell everybody that Joey Diaz is the funniest person on earth. | ||
| There's other people that are funny and they're brilliant. | ||
| And it's like, my funny or my brilliant is different than yours. | ||
| Just like my music. | ||
| Like, I remember I got into my car once and I had a Sheryl Crow CD playing. | ||
| And my friend Eddie's girlfriend was like, whose fucking CD is this? | ||
| I go... | ||
| Mine? | ||
| And she's like, there's no way you like Sheryl Crow. | ||
| I go, stop. | ||
| She's a gangster. | ||
| I fucking love Sheryl Crow. | ||
| You're my favorite mistake. | ||
| You're my favorite mistake! | ||
| That's the song! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the one! | |
| That's my shit. | ||
| Dude, that's one of the best songs of all time. | ||
| It's a great song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A genius. | |
| When it comes to a fucked up chaos, remorse, relationship song. | ||
| And by the way, taking fucking responsibility. | ||
| Some of the women I know are like, that person fucked me over and I just loved him too much. | ||
| I'm like, that was a fucking mistake and you're into him and if he came back right now, you'd fuck him and ruin your entire marriage for him and just know that. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You're my favorite mistake. | ||
| With that fucking raspy voice, that mole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's brilliant. | ||
| I do love to play this song, and I was just playing with this guy that's on the road with me in Texas, Fahim. | ||
| Anwar? | ||
| By the way, no. | ||
| You got other Fahim? | ||
| I'm so racist. | ||
| You're cheating on a different Fahim? | ||
| No, no, it's Zahid, and I called him Fahim, because I was thinking of Fahim, and Zahid comes on the road with me Thursday. | ||
| We're going to tell him tonight, because he's on the show tonight. | ||
| The best. | ||
| So is Ian. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| By the way, I tried to take Ian Edwards to the pig farm with me in Bastrop, and he was like, no. | ||
| Bonnie McFarlane's on Thursday, too. | ||
| No fucking way. | ||
| Dallas Thursday. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| Bonnie McFarlane's documentary. | ||
| Well, you're going to have to move here. | ||
| Can I tell you something? | ||
| We have things happening. | ||
| I've been trying to move here with Joe Rogan. | ||
| What do you need to do? | ||
| Get that Sandy lady to let you live in her house. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| You know I have... | ||
| Be my neighbor! | ||
| I have a fucking Achilles... | ||
| What do you call it? | ||
| My Achilles heel is West Virginia. | ||
| It's talking out of your neck. | ||
| Push that fucking microphone forward. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I see Jamie panicking over there. | |
| He's ready to jump up and grab that thing and put it in front of your face. | ||
| Well, I used to when I first did your show, I get really kind of nervous and I would be too far away from it because I was afraid of being shrill to men because my voice is so fucking unfuckable. | ||
| Why would you be worried about being shrill to men? | ||
| I think Think about it. | ||
| Women in comedy, I don't feel like I'm a victim. | ||
| I don't feel like my life is hard. | ||
| I never play the, like, I'm a woman in comedy. | ||
| It's so hard shit. | ||
| Everyone that, like, hazed me, I'm great. | ||
| I should send Ari Shapiro a thank you note every month for the fucking pranks he pulled on me when I started doing stand-up because it made me so much fucking stronger. | ||
| He made me a birthday cake and said, happy birthday, faggot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's 100% true. | |
| Ari, one time... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's 100% true! | |
| Because he calls me that all the time. | ||
| We call each other that. | ||
| Was it a giant, like, donut hole so you could fuck it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's perfect. | |
| God damn it, Ari. | ||
| When was that? | ||
| I think it was my 40th. | ||
| It was like 13 years ago. | ||
| I don't even think you know the story. | ||
| And I was thinking about this when you brought up Bernie Madoff and I was trying to make the argument that if you're doing something so immoral but you succeed at it, are you a genius? | ||
| Because I remember when I first started getting original room spots, I started getting the 9 o'clock spot where you're opening and Mitzi's may or may not be. | ||
| It's a big deal. | ||
| You're performing for two Germans. | ||
| And before the real comics kind of got there, you had to break the crowd. | ||
| And I had just gotten my wallet stolen. | ||
| My wallet was stolen and my credit card had been copied. | ||
| And they were taking $300 a day out of my ATM thing. | ||
| And it was like the kind of thing that's like, if you can create a fake credit card that works in an ATM machine with that magnetic strip, you're a genius. | ||
| Just go get a real job. | ||
| Just do something cool like Frank Abagnale does now, you know? | ||
| intelligence just um you know directed into a positive direction or whatever i get on stage i come off this is the week that like a thousand dollars have been taken out of my bank account i don't think i even i probably had a thousand and one dollars and uh ari had stolen my backpack everyone used to make fun of me because i would carry a little fucking jansport backpack so i can't wear a purse to the comedy store like i had to really neuter myself and try to make you know desexualize myself at all costs um because for me fucking a comedian or dating | ||
| comedian was just like pissing in the water you drink like i never i never wanted to talk don't shit in the punch bowl I never wanted to fuck up that dynamic in the hallway. | ||
| Of course, yeah. | ||
| The hallway dynamic is everything, right? | ||
| Everything to me. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| That was the only place I ever fucking felt comfortable. | ||
| And I was like, I don't want to fuck this up by blowing Santino. | ||
| You know that I tried to blow Bobby Lee once? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| As a joke. | ||
| It was impossible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And we were laughing so hard. | |
| Your head was too big. | ||
| I used his dick to floss my teeth, though. | ||
| That was helpful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I love mommy so much. | ||
| You went too far. | ||
| He was one of the first people that brought me on the road with him. | ||
| Him and Steve Byrne brought me on the road to open for him, and that's where you fucking get good. | ||
| I didn't run into you until you already had a television show, and then I was coming out to the store. | ||
| I'd been gone for seven years. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| So in that time that I was gone, you had like emerged and you had your show with Chris and then you were at the store and then I ran into you at the Laugh Factor before I ever did the store again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
| I ran into you, I think we met in the 2013 or something like that. | ||
| It is wild because meeting you, like, I had heard there was this lore about you because you had left the comedy store. | ||
| I mean, the Showtime documentary kind of documented that, I think, pretty well. | ||
| But you, I heard so much about you and the aftermath of that thing with Mencia was such a huge part of the DNA of that place. | ||
| Because I would go up late, like right before Don Barris. | ||
| I mean, I would go to bed at 10 p.m. | ||
| and set my alarm for 1 in the morning to walk down to the comedy store. | ||
| I rented a place on Miller Drive right behind the comedy store because I just wanted spots at the comedy store. | ||
| My whole life was, even before I was a comic, I made it integral to just doing fucking 15 minutes there. | ||
| I would go Sundays and Mondays at 5pm to sign up for the open mic and then wait for three hours to see if you were going to get on and then you get three minutes. | ||
| So I was a part of that whole open mic crowd and you were talked about so much that by the time I actually met you it was just like I feel like I know you. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| God, I started doing, I guess, 2005? | ||
| When did you go to the store? | ||
| I started going to the store. | ||
| I had already done, like, VH1 was doing all those shows with comedians. | ||
| Like, that was how I was kind of paying my, like, week-to-week, like, best week ever, where comics would just make... | ||
| Make fun of celebrities. | ||
| I already had some TV credits, which at that time people would hate that you're coming in. | ||
| Doc was running the list, and I would come in. | ||
| You would sign up with a bunch of literally homeless people. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe, I think, was maybe working the door by then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He had a tent. | |
| Maybe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He wasn't homeless, but he had his own tent. | |
| He did have his own tent. | ||
| Robert William Aprivaya. | ||
| And then, who the fuck? | ||
| Boom Shakalaka would be running around. | ||
| Remember Robert William Aprivaya? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| He was the guy who would go on really late at night and talk about marijuana. | ||
| He used to be a lawyer, but he had a mental issue. | ||
| Him and I were always really friends. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| He wouldn't touch you. | ||
| He'd never touch you. | ||
| And he had to realize that I didn't have to touch him. | ||
| I wouldn't shake hands or bump fists or anything. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| He wore the same blue suit. | ||
| And he stuffed his... | ||
| There's Robert. | ||
| You know who would go on? | ||
| He stuffed his jacket with plastic bags when it would rain out. | ||
| And he would walk all the way from downtown. | ||
| That's fucking fascinating. | ||
| And he would do open mic nights Mondays and Tuesday nights, or Sunday and Monday nights, and he was actually pretty funny. | ||
| Well, I mean, there was a guy that, I mean, Dov Davidov gave me shit for this once, because I would, like, become friends with everyone. | ||
| I mean, going to the comic store and sitting on that patio with a bunch of... | ||
| Fucking mentally ill, schizophrenic was the first time I ever felt comfortable in life. | ||
| You know, all the broken toys getting together. | ||
| And I would talk to everyone. | ||
| And Dove used to be like, Dove Davidoff was like, why do you connect with these crazy people? | ||
| Why are you talking to these people? | ||
| They're open micers. | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| And in my brain, I'm like, I found a family. | ||
| This is the first time I've had a family. | ||
| And then I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| And a guy with his act was he would wear an actual dollhouse on his head. | ||
| And This is the kind of haven the Comedy Store has. | ||
| A plastic dollhouse and his eyes would show through the windows and he'd do his act as a dollhouse. | ||
| I was like, hey buddy! | ||
| It didn't occur to me that it was weird to talk to a guy with a dollhouse on his head. | ||
| That was my comfort zone. | ||
| There's a certain beauty in accepting someone who's so far off the regular chart. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| He's so crazy that you're like, you're alright, man. | ||
| You're not hurting me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're all friends. | |
| You're the person I want to talk to. | ||
| I want to talk to the guy with the dollhouse on his head. | ||
| The Jesus guy. | ||
| Cut! | ||
| The Jesus guy. | ||
| The guy, when he died, we were all legitimately sad. | ||
| Devastated. | ||
| Did he die? | ||
| When did he die? | ||
| How long ago? | ||
| He died, what was that, five years ago? | ||
| A few years ago. | ||
| He would dress as Jesus, walk around Los Angeles, committed to it so hard. | ||
| Because I do think comedians, we bow down to anyone that's braver than us. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I think he might have been mentally ill. | ||
| I don't know if it's bravery. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| He might have really thought he was Jesus. | ||
| But then I'm like, I want that kind of, oh no, buddy. | ||
| He was a nice guy. | ||
| I always enjoyed talking to him. | ||
| He was really friendly. | ||
| I don't think I've ever spent time on how thick his beard was. | ||
| Oh, it's manly. | ||
| Good for you, buddy. | ||
| Very strong. | ||
| And that krill oil. | ||
| He was always hanging around the store, and we kind of accepted that he was a positive part of the thing. | ||
| Because, yeah, he always dressed like Jesus. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But he was consistent, and he was always nice. | ||
| He was never a problem. | ||
| It's not like he was dressed like Jesus and stealing your keys. | ||
| Well, Jesus would not steal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But he was really nice. | ||
| So like, yeah, what's up with that guy dressed up like Jesus? | ||
| The fact that he didn't walk around with prostitutes was the only thing out of character is he didn't hang out with prostitutes, which would have really sold it. | ||
| You don't know shit. | ||
| Where did he live? | ||
| Where did he sleep? | ||
| Did you ever see that documentary about the people that dress up as superheroes on Hollywood Boulevard? | ||
| You mean my parents? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Will you please cut me out of this? | |
| Will you please not involve me in this? | ||
| No, the fucking zoo needs to be saved. | ||
| We need to get those Asiatic bears out of that zoo. | ||
| We need to keep you on the shelf. | ||
| No, look, I have a couple giraffes to save down the street. | ||
| I do, dude. | ||
| And there are fucking... | ||
| Don't even get me started on this. | ||
| There's also lions. | ||
| Really, giraffes? | ||
| I go in. | ||
| Well, the giraffe is what I was trying to save at Malibu Safari in Malibu because it's a fucking illegal giraffe. | ||
| Can I just explain... | ||
| This is how I'm going to get your attention for it. | ||
| There are Native American cave paintings up there, and he will not allow it to be preserved by some conservation society. | ||
| Oh, that's a problem. | ||
| There's private land you can buy right now all over the country that has hieroglyphs. | ||
| Or petroglyphs. | ||
| Lions at the capital of Texas Zoo, fuck you guys, where they had a baby and it's not even allowed to be with the parents and they sold off the males to a zoo in Florida. | ||
| This is not legal, not okay. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| So for me, I'm not taking a moral stance. | ||
| It's just illegal. | ||
| I'm just trying to enforce the law. | ||
| Let's bring it all back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh oh. | |
| Why don't chicken farms freak you out more? | ||
| Because... | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| Chickens aren't as intelligent. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They're not as intelligent. | ||
| They have very tiny brains. | ||
| They're more ruthless predators than tigers. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| After you cut their heads off, they still live. | ||
| That's spooky. | ||
| They're witches. | ||
| Have you ever given a chicken a mouse? | ||
| I have. | ||
| Have you ever given a chicken a mouse? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you give a chicken a mouse, you throw a mouse in a chicken coop, you have never seen such savagery. | ||
| Okay, hold on. | ||
| Have I ever thrown a mouse? | ||
| Whitney, this thing in your neck, what are you doing? | ||
| Why do you keep trying to make me do this? | ||
| Why are you doing this? | ||
| I'm not Judy Tenuta. | ||
| I'm not a prop comic. | ||
| I'm not going to do this. | ||
| This is going to turn into a meme on the internet. | ||
| She's doing it, right? | ||
| Isn't she doing it? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| You know what this is? | ||
| You've committed to talking to me like this. | ||
| Who's the woman that had the G-spot in her throat? | ||
| I don't think that's real. | ||
| I feel like all guys have that fantasy. | ||
| I'm like, I'm having orgasm. | ||
| Guys have decided there's a G-spot in your throat. | ||
| I don't think that's real. | ||
| I think that's like Ninja Turtles. | ||
| It's just fiction. | ||
| Dude, turtles do live in sewers. | ||
| Yeah, for sure, but not ninjas. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| Look, watch this chicken. | ||
| No, I can't watch this. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| You feed a bunch of mice. | ||
| Look, they steal chickens. | ||
| They steal mice. | ||
| I don't fuck with chickens. | ||
| These chickens look already well-fed. | ||
| Otherwise, they'd be fucking up these mice. | ||
| Chickens, I'm not going to dedicate my life to rescuing because you can't reason with a chicken. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Put up a chicken, mouse, cat. | |
| Vultures, however, I'm obsessed with. | ||
| It's just this here Pornhub algorithm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| So, vultures, you know I love. | ||
| I fucking will move roadkill for vultures so they're out of the street. | ||
| I sent you that video yesterday. | ||
| Yes, you did. | ||
| Whitney Cummings is out here in Texas for four days. | ||
| She's already fighting with people about bears and moving carcasses to the side of the road. | ||
| Squirrel carcasses. | ||
| So, watch this. | ||
| I need you to watch this. | ||
| Here's a mouse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now, watch. | |
| There's a little cat. | ||
| The cat comes around. | ||
| You would think a cat would be way more vicious. | ||
| Does it have toxoplasmosis or not? | ||
| I have to know. | ||
| Just watch. | ||
| See the cat? | ||
| The cat's just sort of swatting around this mouse. | ||
| It's definitely going to kill this mouse eventually. | ||
| But watch. | ||
| The chicken finds out. | ||
| See that chicken? | ||
| It's like, bitch, you don't know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Watch. | |
| Watch. | ||
| Keep watching. | ||
| Don't look away. | ||
| Look. | ||
| Chicken. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| It fucks up that mouse. | ||
| Chickens are way more vicious because chickens are there to eat. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| They don't play games. | ||
| I didn't know chickens were carnivores. | ||
| Way carnivores. | ||
| The irony of calling someone who's not brave a chicken. | ||
| Well, they're kind of chicken. | ||
| They're scared of things. | ||
| They're scared of me, and I fed them every day. | ||
| Well, chickens, I don't think, have enough memory to remember that you're who fed them. | ||
| They know mice is delicious. | ||
| Meece is to pieces. | ||
| That's probably smell. | ||
| If you smelled like a chicken, they'd probably hang out with you. | ||
| If you doused yourself in, you know what I mean? | ||
| Well, they do attack each other. | ||
| That was a real issue. | ||
| They peck at each other. | ||
| That's what's called the pecking order. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Like one chicken is a kind of a bitch and like the weak chickens, the other mean chickens find out that one chicken is weak and tolerate and they go after them and they try to figure out the pecking order. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Which is, I mean, pigs do it too. | ||
| I think all animals have to kind of test each other. | ||
| All animals do it. | ||
| I mean, even us, when we walk in, like I think to me, part of the reason I love fucking comedy so much is people come in and they go, "What's up, motherfucker?" and you test each other and you go, "Okay." That's what's happening on Twitter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're both strong. | |
| It's a pecking order. | ||
| It's just a meanness pecking order amongst shut-ins that are mostly mentally ill. | ||
| Yeah, and then I guess the proof of alpha is in form of some likes from a bunch of people. | ||
| But I like comedians because we go, we're both in the same weight class, we can fuck with each other, and no one's going to get hurt. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And we don't want each other to get hurt. | ||
| And to me, people are like, isn't it the comedy show sexist? | ||
| I'm like, I walk in there and they insult me equally with the other men. | ||
| You know, Ally Wong and I had a conversation about whether or not the comedy itself was a meritocracy, and she thought it was. | ||
| I think so, too. | ||
| That's fair. | ||
| If someone's really funny, like when she was pregnant, she was murdering. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| There's no more meritocracy than a tiny female who's pregnant, who's also an Asian, who's also murdering on stage with a baby in her stomach, and also doing it for Netflix. | ||
| It's a meritocracy. | ||
| I was talking about this with Tim last night, Dylan. | ||
| Don't unfollow him. | ||
| He doesn't need more fame. | ||
| He's going to self-destruct. | ||
| But the comedy is ultimately about surprise, right? | ||
| It's not about hurting people's feelings. | ||
| It's not about saying the grossest thing or the most offensive thing. | ||
| It's about surprising people. | ||
| So to me, it's like going on stage pregnant as a woman. | ||
| That's fucking surprising. | ||
| There's this woman, Catherine Ryan in England, and she comes out with these little 50s housewife dresses and glittery, sparkly things. | ||
| Talks about cock. | ||
| Does she? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| But she admits she talks about having plastic surgery. | ||
| That's fucking surprising because most people fucking lie about it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, and I think comics are, you know, the more things people make off limits and taboo, the stronger you make us because it's more surprising when we fucking say it. | ||
| People, cancel culture people don't understand. | ||
| They're just making us stronger. | ||
| Well, it's all based on fear of shame, right? | ||
| So it's based on this premise that nobody ever makes mistakes, and that's a preposterous premise. | ||
| So if someone says to me, like, hey, you probably shouldn't have said that, I'd be like, yeah, probably. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what I'm saying while I'm saying it. | ||
| I mean, you know, Annie and I and you are, you know, on a chain and every now and then I'm just like, Joe, love you. | ||
| Like, you've gotten so into the zeitgeist and you've become clickbait. | ||
| I mean, you know, news sites that are going out of business use your name to get clicked. | ||
| Look at what Tim Dillon Wright wrote. | ||
| Harry was saying, Harry slams Joe Rogan for spreading vaccine misinformation about COVID-19. | ||
| And Tim Dillon says, why don't you focus more on your family who killed your mother? | ||
| By the way, I love that you're at the Ice House. | ||
| You're definitely at the Ice House in that photo. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| So that Tim Dillon, what he's doing right now is our job is to be brave and surprising. | ||
| It's not to be in line with everyone else. | ||
| We're the clowns. | ||
| We're the jokers. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Harry would be fine if I met him. | ||
| Harry? | ||
| Harry's just talking from afar. | ||
| He doesn't know me and he's lived as a royal. | ||
| If Harry and I hung out together, I could get him to relax. | ||
| That's correct. | ||
| Just relax. | ||
| That's correct. | ||
| It might take a while. | ||
| It might take a little time. | ||
| But he's not a bad guy. | ||
| He's just a guy. | ||
| But isn't it all of our instincts from a biological basis to come off moral and to virtue signal? | ||
| We're good. | ||
| It's because we're in the process of improvement, right? | ||
| And we want to pretend that we're at level 10 when we're really at level 7, right? | ||
| Everybody wants to exaggerate about their own ability to navigate this weird life that we live in. | ||
| So you want to pretend that you get it more. | ||
| Oh, you're spreading vaccine misinformation. | ||
| Ho, ho. | ||
| But so is the news. | ||
| So to me, when all that shit happened with you, I was like, it was killing me because I was like, why don't you guys focus not on whatever Joe said? | ||
| Forget what Joe said. | ||
| Focus on the fact that people don't trust news organizations to the point to where they are going to, Joe, because who's having on more scientists than you? | ||
| Who's having on more doctors than you? | ||
| Who's like spending three hours to really like... | ||
| Like, spend time dimensionalizing the issue than you, instead of making money off of intentionally scaring people, intentionally morphing the statistics to make you scared because they know that's going to make you click more and that's going to adrenalize you and get you addicted to the news site. | ||
| Well, it's not just that. | ||
| There is that. | ||
| But there's also that they're worried that you are going to make people relax and do something stupid and they're going to put other people in danger. | ||
| That to me is akin to people saying that you shouldn't have like flat earth conspiracy because you're going to trick people and thinking the earth is flat and they're going to be miseducated and it's going to be a problem and they're going to be stupid and they're going to ruin everybody else. | ||
| I get that thought process, but I am a survival of the fittest person. | ||
| I am of a belief that you need to figure out what ideas are right and what ideas are wrong and work your way through it. | ||
| And if you want to say that certain things are required because here's all the facts, we've debated it, and we figured out the right solution to how to be the perfect person and be super healthy. | ||
| But if you're not addressing key components of that and I bring those up and you don't make any account of those and only want to concentrate on one aspect of the problem, I go, well, that's not a balanced approach. | ||
| Because especially when it comes to health and what we're doing right now in this current era, this whole year that we've gone through, we've gone through Multiple different hurdles, one of them being the mental hurdle that we talked about earlier of detachment, of not being connected to people, which is such a big part of who we are. | ||
| Adam Egott came on my podcast after not talking to anybody for months, and he was pale and weird and confused, and he got a COVID test, so he was somewhat relieved that he didn't have COVID, but he was like, you could tell, I can't We haven't been around people! | ||
| No, we are designed to have, what, a couple hours of eye contact a day? | ||
|
unidentified
|
All day! | |
| And they even say apartment living is detrimental to your mental health because your primordial brain thinks you've been exiled from the tribe and don't have the protection of the tribe. | ||
| And you're around a bunch of people you don't fucking know, but you're around them all the time, so you never know each other well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Next to our neighbor might have a fucking chainsaw and a dude in his bathtub. | |
| I always think about it because I lived in the apartments for so long and I stay in hotels so much and I'm so fascinated about the cognitive dissonance that has to happen and the disconnection to our reptilian animal brains of us to all simultaneously fall asleep in the same building right next to each other when that is our most vulnerable state. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, even when I'm in hotels, the lights are off and I'm like, I'm just lying in the dark next to other people lying in the dark. | ||
| This is so wild. | ||
| Yeah, because we're all stacked on top of each other. | ||
| Someone's sleeping above me. | ||
| We're all in our most vulnerable. | ||
| And to the left, and to the right, all down the row. | ||
| I actually argue the opposite of we're more divided than ever. | ||
| I think we're more simpatico than ever that we all coexist and all fall asleep in a hotel together and don't kill each other. | ||
| We're not more divided than ever. | ||
| We're just more divided in the digital realm. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| The digital realm is so unnatural, but it's so common, it becomes far too much of the way we interact with each other. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| It's just not indicative of how people are when they're right in front of you. | ||
| Most people you're right in front of, they could talk crazy shit about you online, but if you saw them and you just had a few words together like, give me a hug, come on, give me a hug, and they'd hug you and you'd both feel way more relaxed. | ||
| The fact that we're all not killing each other constantly is a fucking, like a miracle. | ||
| I think that way of interacting is toxic inherently. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| I don't think there's any way around it being at least partially toxic. | ||
| However, like, and you know, I know Sam Harris did this, that incredible episode on the Roman Coliseum, and I talk about the Roman Coliseum all the time because I think right now we're blaming Twitter, we're blaming, you know, Instagram, we're blaming YouTube. | ||
| It's like humans have always done that. | ||
| I mean, Hitler did what he did without Twitter. | ||
| You know, he was, whatever he, you know, did, he was able to do But I think it's the same. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because Roman Coliseum, you don't know that guy. | ||
| That guy pops out of a fucking platform in the bottom of the surface, comes out and fights a tiger with a sword and gets killed. | ||
| You don't know him. | ||
| He's not your homie. | ||
| That's not my son. | ||
| That's not my brother. | ||
| That's not my friend. | ||
| You don't know that guy. | ||
| That's the same thing. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| It's detachment. | ||
| If that was your brother and you had to hug your brother before he went and fought a gorilla, you'd be like, I can't do this. | ||
| But this is what it is. | ||
| It's like, have you ever been in those relationships or friendships where I have certainly, I'll speak specifically, where I've been in friendships where someone's like, I fucking cut that person off. | ||
| We were friends and then I fucking cut them off because they did this thing or they flirted with my boyfriend and they're gone and you never think it's going to be you. | ||
| You never think you're the next in line. | ||
| Why are you talking through your neck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wait. | |
| Why do I do that? | ||
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| Oh, this was the other question I didn't ask you. | ||
| Are you allowed to... | ||
| I mean, not allowed. | ||
| Can you break someone's windpipe? | ||
| Is it like glass? | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's pretty flexible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Just push on your windpipe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn it. | |
| I've got to stop getting my facts off Reddit. | ||
| It moves in a little bit. | ||
| It's kind of gushy. | ||
| I thought it was like a glass... | ||
| Have you ever cut through an animal's windpipe? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have I? No. | |
| It's chewy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| There's a lot of flexibility to it. | ||
| I just know that, and I want to get back to that feminism conversation at some point, that my whole deal is in the bedroom. | ||
| The younger generation of guys, they don't want to choke you or be violent. | ||
| They're too scared you're going to sue them. | ||
| So they do this hovering over your neck. | ||
| And then I said to my boyfriend, who's a critical care vet. | ||
| He's a doctor. | ||
| He understands how anatomy works. | ||
| And I was like, you don't have to worry about me suing you. | ||
| I'm not going to sue you for your fucking student loans. | ||
| You should get that on paper. | ||
| Just make him write it down. | ||
| And then he did choke me one time. | ||
| Was it fun? | ||
| He went right for the... | ||
| He did it like this instead of this. | ||
| And I was like, okay, that's like the real kind of you're trying to kill someone. | ||
| Yeah, you're trying to pull out a Steven Seagal type choke. | ||
| That's the anatomically correct way to do it. | ||
| And I'm afraid you're going to... | ||
| Actually kill me. | ||
| Get too excited. | ||
| But I think that a lot of the people that have come the hardest with this cancel culture thing are next in line and they just don't have the foresight to go like you're setting a standard that you yourself can't live up to. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Well, it's just a lot of, like, weird judgment without empathy. | ||
| And here's the thing about, like, cancel culture and or woke culture. | ||
| Woke culture. | ||
| And maybe I didn't express this the best the other day when I did the podcast with Joe List, but the point is, it's like, it doesn't end. | ||
| There's never going to be... | ||
| People have this idea in their head that they're reaching for this new, better reality that's potentially available. | ||
| If they just do the right things and call out the right people and cancel the right people, But it's not. | ||
| It's going to keep going. | ||
| This was my point. | ||
| It wasn't well expressed. | ||
| But this is my point. | ||
| If you keep going, it will come for you. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| No one is ever woke enough. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| It will never end. | ||
| And, you know, I was talking about, like, white, straight male people. | ||
| But it's everybody. | ||
| It's everybody. | ||
| It's if you grew up with two parents. | ||
| It's if you, you know, didn't grow up poor. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's if you, whatever it is. | ||
| Class trader. | ||
| Advantages that you have just without any fault of your own. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Just randomly... | ||
| Nobody asks to be whoever it is. | ||
| Nobody asks to be Chris Evans, Captain America. | ||
| He's just Captain America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom. | |
| There he is. | ||
| Beautiful man. | ||
| Saw his dick on the internet. | ||
| Out of nowhere. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| No notes. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| He's, you know, he got lucky. | ||
| Did he say something crazy? | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| No, but he got lucky. | ||
| That's who he is. | ||
| It's like, it's on his fault. | ||
| And to be angrier at him because of that is ridiculous. | ||
| And I know what happens when I'm angry at people. | ||
| I know what that means, you know? | ||
| I think I've spent enough time trying to analyze myself, not in a narcissistic way, to just be able to sort of like deactivate a lot of the... | ||
| You know, either ancestral trauma or unconscious bullshit inner child behavior is to not punish people for something someone else did to me when I was a kid. | ||
| It's not your fault. | ||
| Like, I'm finally in a super healthy relationship with someone because I take responsibility for my own shit. | ||
| I'm like, I'm upset, but it's not your fucking fault. | ||
| I'm gonna go for a walk and go cry in the car because you did nothing wrong. | ||
| I'm just not punishing people for the transgressions of others that did the best they could with the tools they had, but whatever. | ||
| And so, you know, I think it's—I know what it means when I'm mad at someone. | ||
| It means I'm jealous. | ||
| It means I have imposter syndrome. | ||
| It means if I just attack and judge them, I'm perfect. | ||
| I don't have to look at my own shit. | ||
| So when people do that on the Internet, I just try to go, like, bless your heart. | ||
| You're insecure. | ||
| You're jealous. | ||
| And I'd be doing exactly what fucking you were doing if I wasn't in a 12-step program for 12 years and like working on myself. | ||
| You know, Bill Burr came on my podcast and he was talking about trolls. | ||
| And he was like, dude, if I was 15 years old and I had a direct line to a famous person, I would fucking troll them all day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That'd be so funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I wasn't a comic. | ||
| If I didn't have the ability to express myself and talk shit on stage on podcasts, I'm sure I would be a troll. | ||
| 100% be fun. | ||
| Especially if you get out some good lines and you have a bunch of people in the comments like, bye, LOL at Whitney Cummings. | ||
| If I had to work at H&R Block and was like funny and jealous of people, it's all I would do. | ||
| I'd be like, hey, Joe Rogan, fuck you, man. | ||
| That'd be hilarious to me. | ||
| It would be. | ||
| I used to egg people's houses and toilet paper people's houses. | ||
| It's kind of the same. | ||
| It's like the modern version of doing that. | ||
| Anybody who's in a position where they don't think that achieving what that person has achieved is ever possible feels like they can throw a rock. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And it's also like you're not in the arena. | ||
| You're not taking any risks. | ||
| Your risk is- It's natural. | ||
| But it's natural. | ||
| It's part of what comes with the territory. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| It's human nature. | ||
| It comes with the territory. | ||
| And it's a small price to pay. | ||
| You know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop it! | |
| I'm sorry! | ||
| Why am I doing this? | ||
| I think I'm so... | ||
| You're afraid of black dicks. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Oh, no, I am not. | ||
| Google me. | ||
| Push it out in front of your face. | ||
| Why do I do that every time? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's only this time. | ||
| No, she never did it before, right? | ||
| Really? | ||
| No, I'm looking at your podcast. | ||
| I think that's where you're used to having it. | ||
| Right here because I... Do you have different mics than us? | ||
| Do you use these Shores? | ||
| No, I got the same ones you've got. | ||
| These are not a sponsor. | ||
| And they don't make them anymore. | ||
| They actually don't. | ||
| They stopped making the ones that we like so much. | ||
| But no, I think that I subconsciously try to make my voice. | ||
| Are you pushed away because now you're less close to me? | ||
| You're nervous? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I'm attacking you? | ||
| This is like body language. | ||
| I'm triggered. | ||
| You're triggered. | ||
| You're pushing... | ||
| You're pushing all the way to the film? | ||
| No, because I'm too embarrassed for people to watch me adjust them. | ||
| You know when you see a fucking comedian go on stage and not know, even if they can't get the cord right, you're like, oh, you suck at comedy. | ||
| When I got my leg tangled to the cord, I'm like, no! | ||
| It's over! | ||
| It's over! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so dangerous. | |
| The body language of when a comedian first walks up and deals with the mic is all I need to know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As soon as the comedian doesn't know what's going on with the mic or can't twist the stand in a way that looks like 10,000 hours, I'm like, oh, no. | ||
| Unless it's on purpose. | ||
| Who's that guy that used to open up for Louis who's like an old school comedian who had like fucked up hair on purpose? | ||
| Not Jay London. | ||
| Jay London? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| Recently? | ||
| He had like a parody act. | ||
| It was not really... | ||
| Neil Hamburger? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Thank you. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| Neil Hamburger. | ||
| He's funny in a wild fucking way. | ||
| Wild, dude. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| And he would go on stage with this like fake act. | ||
| Like he was a fake bad comedian. | ||
| That's right, that's right. | ||
| But he was actually really funny. | ||
| And it was so funny in comics. | ||
| So stupid. | ||
| So dumb. | ||
| But really funny. | ||
| I saw him open up for Louie. | ||
| You know what I think? | ||
| I think I miss Andy Kindler, and I think I was like... | ||
| He's still alive! | ||
| I know! | ||
| I know! | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| Call him up! | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| But remember, he would do Montreal, he would do that state of the industry thing, and I was looking at Tim Dillon yesterday, and I was like, oh, maybe you're the next Andy Kindler in terms of trashing the business and critiquing... | ||
| But a little more popular. | ||
| Yes, yes, yes, yes. | ||
| Andy Kindler used to go on stage at Montreal. | ||
| He would do the State of the Industry. | ||
| Is that what it was called? | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| And he would roast... | ||
| Every comedian. | ||
| Every popular comedian. | ||
| Everybody that was doing great. | ||
| Everybody that had a deal. | ||
| He'd roast all the agents. | ||
| He'd roast all the managers. | ||
| He'd roast HBO. So specifically. | ||
| It was for comedians. | ||
| It was a genius show. | ||
| Because for comics and people in the industry, it was so inside. | ||
| And it was a genius show. | ||
| I remember one time he closed with a joke about Penguin's Comedy Club. | ||
| I think in Pittsburgh or something. | ||
| And it was like... | ||
| Because it's so hard to make comics laugh, you know? | ||
| And to me, I just remember fucking dying. | ||
| And then Tim kind of does that. | ||
| Because I remember... | ||
| When I was doing the Joan Rivers or I was speaking of, I had a joke that would only work for comics. | ||
| And it was so worth telling, because to me, if five comics in the back are fucking laughing, like when I came up, I was trying to make David Taylor, Ari Shafir, and these motherfuckers laugh in the back. | ||
| And I was like, if I just spoke, I don't know if I'm ever going to get these people from the Czech Republic to laugh, but if they laugh, I must be funny. | ||
| And I wrote this joke for the Joan Rivers roast because, you know, Montreal used to have this thing called new faces. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure they still do, but it was like all the new comics would do stand up in front of only agents and managers and just eat shit because it was in front of only agents and managers. | ||
| And I wrote a joke for Joan Rivers. | ||
| It was, Joan, you've had so much plastic surgery that every year you book new faces at Montreal or something. | ||
| And I remember talking to Andy Kindler about those 1% jokes that only work for comics. | ||
| Yeah, only. | ||
| And that, to me, is a big part of what podcasting does. | ||
| People get to hear all this inside shit, but it still feels universal to them. | ||
| Yeah, well, in everything, if you talk to people that make knives, if you talk to people that make sculptures, whatever it is they do, there's something in all those things that's universal. | ||
| And that something is a person trying to do their best at whatever the craft is, whatever the thing is. | ||
| Somewhere around it you're going to encounter a certain amount of resistance. | ||
| We encounter more resistance than most because we're doing something that is controversial in that it's opinions based on what is happening in culture. | ||
| And when you're a person like myself and you've had a disproportionate amount of success and you do that very thing where you mock things and make fun of things and give your opinions, I understand what's happening. | ||
| I'm 100% okay with it. | ||
| It is 100% natural for people to even have disproportionate takes on me. | ||
| That doesn't bother me. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because everyone I meet is nice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everyone. | |
| I meet people all over the place. | ||
| When they meet me, they're always nice. | ||
| I understand that some people maybe don't like me, or if they met me, they would be hesitant, but I guarantee you, if you meet me and you're nice, I'll be nice too. | ||
| I'm a nice person. | ||
| And everybody is nice, everywhere I meet. | ||
| It's numbers, Whitney. | ||
| It's numbers. | ||
| You're dealing with 350 million people. | ||
| That's an impossible number of people. | ||
| Plus the rest of the world. | ||
| Who the fuck knows how many that is? | ||
| You become a Rorschach test to people. | ||
| And I think that, you know, in this pandemic, when you, you know, your voice, because you've earned the trust of people, you've earned, you know, people listening to you for nine hours a week. | ||
| That's almost a day. | ||
| Some people listen to you a day a week. | ||
| Some people listen to you a large percentage, the same percentage of their life that they sleep, you know? | ||
| So when people, you know, come up to me and say, I love you from the Joe Rogan show, they like want to hug me. | ||
| It's their religion in a way. | ||
| And I use religion in a term that just gives people meaning, gives them purpose and routine. | ||
| You know, you're a family member to people. | ||
| And I mean, I guess there was Howard Stern before and maybe Prairie Home Companion. | ||
| I'm trying to think of people that... | ||
| Garrison Gill. | ||
| Garrison, you're a buddy! | ||
| What happened to him? | ||
| Did he touch a woman's lower back? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He touched someone's feet. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's over. | |
| I would do anything for someone to suck on my feet or touch my lower back. | ||
| I'd be thrilled. | ||
| Garrison, call me. | ||
| I've only been podcasting for a year, mostly because of your influence and encouragement, but... | ||
| People come up to me in airports and stuff, and they have a connection to me that I don't have to my own fucking boyfriend. | ||
| I'm like, you have this. | ||
| You're in people's cells. | ||
| And news networks and other comedians that get five likes by putting your name in their mouth. | ||
| It's just sort of like, this is just a tax that comes with being so integral to so many people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It doesn't bother me. | |
| It's okay. | ||
| It really is okay. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| And I don't know why I get it, but I get it. | ||
| I understand where I'm at. | ||
| You're medicinal for people both ways when they listen to you and go, yeah, fuck yeah, Joe. | ||
| And when they go, fuck you, Joe, you're providing medicine in both ways because you're either giving someone adrenaline and self-righteousness, even whether they're wrong or right, and they're It also makes you recognize what is making other people upset. | ||
| Why are they upset about what you do? | ||
| Maybe you're expressing yourself in an inefficient way. | ||
| Maybe you're doing it wrong. | ||
| But I get, just positionally, I get it. | ||
| I really do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I say that? | |
| Whenever someone has an issue, I'm just like, are you having doctors and scientists on your platform to talk frequently? | ||
| For three hours a day? | ||
| Okay, bye, dude. | ||
| What are you contributing to society? | ||
| You're just nipping at the heels of someone who is doing something righteous and interesting. | ||
| I understand what you're saying, but I'm telling you, it's okay. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| It's all normal. | ||
| I get the criticism of that, but I get the criticism of me. | ||
| It doesn't bother me. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I don't hear. | ||
| There's so much reverence from you, for you, for anyone that I know. | ||
| But I do think that when you get as famous as you are, you become a mirror to other people's anger. | ||
| And it's just like easy. | ||
| It's just easy. | ||
| Well, it's also just like micro-examination of every aspect of all the things you've said. | ||
| It's normal. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| If someone pulls up something that I said where I made a misstep or fucks something up, I'd watch the same thing. | ||
| I'd be like, whoops, yep, I get it. | ||
| I see it. | ||
| It doesn't bother me. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| If you were on camera for nine hours a week, you would never say something that you look back on. | ||
| I probably should have said that differently. | ||
| There's no way to do this any other way. | ||
| If you want to do it the way I do it, here's what I do. | ||
| I say what I'm thinking at the moment. | ||
| But one thing I don't ever do is think, I want people to like me more, so I'm going to say something I don't believe so they'll like me more. | ||
| I don't do that. | ||
| I tell you what I'm thinking at the moment. | ||
| I'm like, hmm, maybe. | ||
| And if I fuck something, I'm like, oh, I fucked that up. | ||
| No, that's not what I meant. | ||
| That is, to me, the most badass gangster shit you can do. | ||
| Because all these people, anyone that would have anything negative towards anyone like you, or, you know, I get people come at me so fucking much. | ||
| Joe, during that time, you know, and I think that I don't want to, you know, underplay how valuable it was to me to have you and Annie Letterman and comics, like, connecting with me during the time that I was trying to have outdoor shows at my house during the pandemic at a time where people... | ||
| Well, you were getting attacked, and it was really freaking me out because I was like... | ||
| I don't want to defend her because I know you can defend yourself. | ||
| But there was a part of me that was like, what are you saying? | ||
| She's testing everybody and she's doing an outdoor show in her fucking backyard. | ||
| Do you not want to celebrate that this is a celebration of comedy? | ||
| This is an embracing of comedy? | ||
| You're doing comedy in front of comics and friends. | ||
| Which these haters supposedly do as a vocation, yet any opportunity to not do it for a year, they'll fucking take it. | ||
| It's the walled garden. | ||
| It's the same thing, the walled garden. | ||
| You've got Tim in there, you've got all these comics in there, you've got Little Esther, you've got Annie Letterman. | ||
| You've got all these comics in there that are really funny people, and they're a part of this inner circle at your place. | ||
| And these other people are not, and they look at it, and they're not doing shows. | ||
| They're sitting in their fucking apartment and listening for sirens out there, and they don't know what's going on. | ||
| You're looking for an excuse to not do comedy. | ||
| I would rather figure out a way to do it. | ||
| It's not even that they're looking for an excuse. | ||
| They're just not doing comedy at the moment. | ||
| So they might be in a bad place because of that. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Because I tested people and people make fun of... | ||
| And you filmed it all. | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| I filmed it all and I was trying to make clips so people could put it on their Instagram and to be able to still be in the mix. | ||
| Do you know how powerful that is? | ||
| Once this is all gone, and it's kind of gone, but you could look back and go, this crazy bitch was trying to do shows in her yard. | ||
| She was like four months in. | ||
| I hired five cameras. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| We were testing everyone. | ||
| I don't know how to tell you how expensive that was, but for me at the time it was like, this is all that fucking matters. | ||
| I know exactly how expensive it is. | ||
| I tested every person that ever came on the show. | ||
| I remember it. | ||
| There's only like five shows that I didn't test people on. | ||
| And then people would say to me, they'd be like, well, how are you doing that? | ||
| You know, 300,000 people have died. | ||
| And I'm like, okay, I get that. | ||
| But we tested people. | ||
| They'd be like, well, the tests don't work. | ||
| So it only works when it's positive. | ||
| All right, stay home and stick your fucking head in the toilet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you talking about? | |
| So the tests don't work when they're negative. | ||
| It was like what I call the alt-left, like people coming at me. | ||
| And I was like, you know, comedians have to be able to, if we're distancing outside, we're doing it at 4 p.m. | ||
| in the afternoon. | ||
| I'm like, tell me a reason, scientifically, that this shouldn't be possible. | ||
| Whitney, but it goes down to what we said before. | ||
| It's like this kind of communication that you're doing, whether it's through Twitter or Facebook or whatever it is, it's just not the way people are supposed to talk. | ||
| If you talk to that one person, one-on-one, that disagreed with you, you would tell them what you're doing and they would go, oh, I see what you're doing. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And you're like, I just want to live. | ||
| I just want to live and I want to do comedy because I'm going crazy because being around my friends is as essential as drinking water or taking vitamins or eating food. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| It's essential. | ||
| And this is my family. | ||
| In the same way you want to talk about families being broken, I don't have a family, and comedians are my family. | ||
| And if you're telling me that I can't figure out a way to get all these people that are sitting alone in their apartments together to engage in their anesthesia and their coping mechanism and the thing that pays their bills and maybe their parents' bills, you can't come at me for that, especially if you have a ton of money and you're sitting in your mansion. | ||
| They can, but it's not accurate. | ||
| I get it from their perspective, too. | ||
| The thing that's missing is just open communication. | ||
| That's the thing that's missing. | ||
| And the time that it takes to communicate one-on-one with everybody, it's not really possible. | ||
| Not possible. | ||
| So it creates this fucking feeding frenzy of chaos and takedown culture. | ||
| And that's what's going on. | ||
| My other thing was that was, you didn't like me before. | ||
| And now you found a reason. | ||
| Like, you never liked me, and that's okay. | ||
| I'm at the point, Joe, and I was talking about this... | ||
| But they didn't know you. | ||
| If they didn't like you, it's just because they didn't know you. | ||
| Anybody that I know that knows you likes you. | ||
| You're nice to everybody, Whitney. | ||
| Dude, I'm... | ||
| Because comedians, I don't care what level you are. | ||
| You're not nice to that neck microphone. | ||
| Dude, why am I so... | ||
| But don't you think this is making me sound sexier that I'm doing it here? | ||
| I'm just trying to make it so that the YouTube comments aren't like, I want to fuck you with a knife in your cunt, you shrill bitch. | ||
| Instead of moving the microphone back... | ||
| I keep moving back further. | ||
| I'm doing a squat because you said... | ||
| I want my fucking butt to get bigger. | ||
| I hope now that I've talked to you. | ||
| Your butt's fine. | ||
| You just don't need fake chicken cutlets. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| Except who you are. | ||
| I will staple that shit on. | ||
| Get some kettlebells and do some squats. | ||
| I'm dating a rock climber, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| He's a savage. | ||
| He is like a fucking little chimpanzee with the hardest butt you've ever seen in your fucking life. | ||
| I've tried to stick my finger in it. | ||
| You know those sausages that have the wire on the back that closes the butthole? | ||
| Do you? | ||
| It's like that. | ||
| A sausage that has a wire that closes the butthole? | ||
| You know like at the end of a Jim Beam sausage? | ||
| Oh, I know what you mean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Okay, okay. | ||
| That's his butthole? | ||
| I'm a wild shape, and I am a jellyfish. | ||
| That's how you test wild shape. | ||
| How far you can stick your fucking second knuckle in someone's butthole. | ||
| You can't get a finger in someone's butt. | ||
| I mean, that's a pretty hardcore glute right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I get it. | |
| So I feel embarrassed because I'm just a fucking mush. | ||
| But yeah, dating someone who's like a real athlete is... | ||
| So he makes you want to talk like this. | ||
| Embarrassing. | ||
| Makes you want to talk like an old lady at a slot machine in Vegas. | ||
| I have to pee so bad, Whitney. | ||
| How dare you attack Vicky Barbalek like that? | ||
| Ah, Vicky, I love Vicky. | ||
| We gotta wrap this up. | ||
| I know, there's a couple things that I feel like we start... | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We gotta go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Three hours in? | ||
| Oh, we're over, yeah. | ||
| This Texas tea is delicious. | ||
| Well, we're fucking drank whiskey. | ||
| I have to pee so bad. | ||
| My water broke ages ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Buffalo Trace. | |
| Buffalo Trace, is that your shit? | ||
| Whitney, you're the shit. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| I love you, I love you, I love you. | ||
| I love you too, Jamie. | ||
| I love you too, Jamie. |
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