March 27, 2021 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:29:00
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
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unidentified
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Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! | ||
| Are you one of those people that brings water with you everywhere you go? | ||
| I do. | ||
| Why do you do that? | ||
| Well, I like to put lemon in it. | ||
| It makes me drink more. | ||
| Because I just like the taste. | ||
| And it saves plastic. | ||
| Oh, look at you. | ||
| Environmentally conscious. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Yeah, we moved to having these metal cups and have water in these things. | ||
| Oh, I didn't even know these were metal. | ||
| Yeah, because we used to bring bottles of water in here, those plastic bottles, and after a while you're like, what am I doing? | ||
| I had an investment in a water company one time and I actually ended up selling the investment because I don't want to promote all the plastic. | ||
| You know, they can make plastic out of other stuff. | ||
| They can make biodegradable plastic out of hemp and they could be making water bottles out of stuff that would naturally biodegrade in the earth. | ||
| They could, but they don't. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So we have a water filter machine and then we just move to metal. | ||
| So that's our thing. | ||
|
unidentified
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Nice. | |
| What's all the stickers all over that thing? | ||
| I like to... | ||
| Well, it was a very bland water bottle. | ||
| So this is like your bottle. | ||
| You have this one bottle. | ||
| This is my bottle. | ||
| You take it everywhere. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I left it in Mexico on a meditation retreat. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, no. | |
| They sent it back. | ||
| Like, that's how important it is. | ||
| Just a bunch of, like... | ||
| Did you go to one of those no-talk meditation retreats? | ||
| Did you do one of those? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm way too talkative for that shit. | ||
| I have a couple of friends who have done those and they're trying to tell me how awesome it is. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, good luck. | ||
| I feel like I would just be the person that goes to their room and starts talking to themselves and defeats the whole purpose of being there because I just want to... | ||
| If you tell me not to do something, I'm going to go do it. | ||
| Pull a fire alarm. | ||
| Tell me not to, I'm going to want to do it. | ||
| Right, especially as an entertainer, right? | ||
| Like, you're rebellious. | ||
| That's kind of part of the gig, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
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A little bit. | |
| It's like you don't want anybody telling you what to do. | ||
| You're the boss bitch, right? | ||
| You have to be. | ||
| Kind of have to be. | ||
| Yes, but I feel like there are definitely pop stars that are not rebellious at all. | ||
|
unidentified
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Boring. | |
| Who are those boring people? | ||
| I don't know them. | ||
| I don't personally know them. | ||
| You're not hanging out with them. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've kind of actually always just stuck to myself, really. | ||
| I don't have a ton of industry friends. | ||
| That's probably really healthy. | ||
| Yeah, it's nice. | ||
| My best friend that I brought out here, her name's Susie, and I brought her on this trip. | ||
| And just like, for instance, one day I was at home and I had been doing stuff all day, you know, interviews and photo shoots and this and that, and I walked in the house and she was like, So you've been doing rockstar shit all day. | ||
| You want to do some normal shit? | ||
| And I was like, hell yeah! | ||
| And that's like, that's what I do when I get home. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| The most normal. | ||
| You do normal shit to pretend you're normal. | ||
| Like some people pretend they're rockstars. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yes, yes. | |
| I go and pretend I'm normal. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| God, that's so real though. | ||
| I mean, that's your reality, right? | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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God. | |
| When did you, what was the first showbiz thing you did? | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| So I auditioned for Barney and Friends when I was seven. | ||
|
unidentified
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Whoa! | |
| And I, well actually, I auditioned when I was five and I didn't make it because I couldn't read yet. | ||
| So my mom was drawing pictures by each line and that's how I memorized my lines. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| But they caught on to that and they didn't cast me until I was seven or eight. | ||
| So, and then I did that. | ||
| So you were eight years old doing Barney. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So I probably saw you on TV. My kid loved Barney. | ||
| My middle daughter has this weird thing that she used to do when she was younger. | ||
| Like she renames people. | ||
| She decides she doesn't like your name. | ||
| She gives you a whole other name. | ||
|
unidentified
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Cute. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| She's very headstrong. | ||
| I hope she hates my name. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I want to have a new name from her. | ||
| No, she actually kind of like, normally they ask who's on the podcast just like to be polite. | ||
| I go, it's Demi Lovato. | ||
| She goes, what? | ||
| She almost said, what the fuck? | ||
| She goes, the same one? | ||
| That one? | ||
| She's like, seriously? | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| She's 12, almost 13. She's kind of becoming a girl. | ||
| Talks really fast. | ||
| Says like a million different things. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| Who? | ||
|
unidentified
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Huh? | |
| Yes. | ||
| But when she was little, she called Barney Hada. | ||
| She decided that Barney was too complicated because she was one years old. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So she would call him Hada. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| So she was like, Hada, Hada. | ||
| Hada. | ||
| So she would always love watching Barney. | ||
| So she said, we probably watched you. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, I was the little girl with glasses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And... | ||
| What was that like? | ||
| You know, it was fun... | ||
| I had always felt like I never related to kids my age. | ||
| And so when I finally went on set, and there was only eight kids in the cast, or I think so, ten kids in the entire cast. | ||
| But you only work with three, four kids at a time per episode. | ||
| Maybe less. | ||
| And then the rest of the people on set were the crew, and that's like 150 adults. | ||
| And I was in heaven because I never related to kids my age. | ||
| Why do you think that is? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just always found myself like when the kids were at the park, like... | ||
| Gravitating to summer barbecues. | ||
| You know, all the kids are outside and I'm inside trying to hear the gossip of the moms. | ||
|
unidentified
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Like, I want to know what's going on. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I just didn't... | ||
| I guess I've always kind of had an old soul. | ||
| But it's weird that you can remember that. | ||
| You remember that feeling when you were seven years old that you wanted to be around adults, not kids. | ||
| I felt more comfortable on set than I did in public school with other kids. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I liked it for a period of time and then I missed kids my age and I went back to school for about two years and then left again. | ||
| When did you start realizing you were famous? | ||
| So, there was just one day where I went to go visit my friend. | ||
| He was doing an autograph signing. | ||
| He used to be on Hannah Montana and this was in Dallas. | ||
| And he came out to Dallas to do this autograph signing and I just like went to show support and see my friend that's been in LA for a while. | ||
| And somebody there heard or saw me and she just screamed. | ||
| And I was like, oh my god, what's happening? | ||
| How old were you then? | ||
| 14. No, 15. 15. Wow. | ||
| I was 15 and all of a sudden she screams and I look over and she's looking at me and I'm like, oh god, what's... | ||
| Am I on fire? | ||
| Yeah, what's happening? | ||
| And then she... | ||
| Got excited and I realized what was happening and I remember like running to my mom being like, did you hear that scream? | ||
|
unidentified
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That was for me and I don't know what's happening. | |
| Did your mom try to explain it to you? | ||
| No, I was 15. I knew what was happening. | ||
| Honey, this is how it goes. | ||
| Yeah, she was just like, your life's about to change. | ||
| Because at this point, I had been casted in Camp Rock, and the thing about Disney back then was... | ||
| The Disney fan base was so... | ||
| They were the web sleuths before web sleuths were like... | ||
| They knew everything about me before the movie had even come out. | ||
| They were super fans. | ||
| They were super fans. | ||
| And so they had done their research and they knew what I looked like and they just screamed. | ||
| Do you feel like that was like a shift in the way you thought about show business when you realized that you were now someone that if people saw you, they would scream? | ||
| Did it become a different thing to you? | ||
| It definitely... | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Okay, this is new. | ||
| I don't remember feeling like having a conscious thought of like, this is what it's going to be like. | ||
| Wow, this is crazy. | ||
| It was just kind of like, that's so weird. | ||
| Why did someone scream over me? | ||
| You know, and then at concerts, it makes sense, you know, and like, you're singing and that's what people do at concerts, they scream. | ||
| But I think like, you know, in the lobby of a hotel in Texas, it's just a little alarming. | ||
| When was the first time you did a concert? | ||
| Um, I've, I mean, I did performances, um, growing up. | ||
| So, like, I performed, I did, like, this military base tour when I was, like, 12. And I promoted this DVD that I was on, that had a music video on it. | ||
| It was, like, this workout, I don't know, it's a long story. | ||
| But I went to military bases and I did some performances, but I think my first actual concert of my own was that summer. | ||
| I was 15, and it was at Hershey Park in Pennsylvania, and it was an amusement park. | ||
| And 200 people showed up, tops. | ||
| And a month later after that, Camp Rock had come out, and I was opening for the Jonas Brothers on their tour. | ||
| And that was 18,000 people. | ||
| So I went from 200 people in my audience, if that, that's stretching it, to one month later was 18,000 people. | ||
| In that month, I opened for 30,000 people. | ||
| So it was just like my life changed overnight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, it was wild. | ||
| The perils of becoming famous when you're young are well known. | ||
| There's a small handful of people that have made it through unscathed. | ||
| It's a weird way to grow up because everybody else grows up trying to prove their worth or trying to find their place in life and trying to get people to understand who they are. | ||
| You grow up where basically most people who run into you know who you are before you knew who they are. | ||
| And they're already like kind of freaked out that you're there and they'll do anything for you. | ||
| They want to see you and they want to see you perform. | ||
| They just want to see you sing and talk. | ||
| It's a very strange way to grow up. | ||
| Did you at any point in time have this feeling like, hey, maybe this isn't the best way to grow up? | ||
| So I grew up in Texas, Dallas, Texas. | ||
| I keep forgetting we're in Texas, Dallas. | ||
| But I grew up, you know, I went to public school except for the one year that I homeschooled on Barney and Friends. | ||
| And I experienced bullying pretty bad while I was there. | ||
| And so I ended up leaving public school. | ||
| And I went into a Really depressive state for a period of time. | ||
| When you're 12 and you're bullied, that's your social life. | ||
| Your social life is everything to you. | ||
| I felt like I didn't have much to look forward to anymore except for my music. | ||
| Music kind of kept me alive. | ||
| It's not that I ever looked at the industry as... | ||
| This kind of weird burden on my teenage years or whatever like yes it is weird in hindsight but I looked at it as it actually kind of saved my life at times because it gave me something to live for and I knew that if I stayed in Texas that I wouldn't make it out alive. | ||
| The bullying was that bad? | ||
| Yeah, the bullying was that bad. | ||
| They knew that you had been on television already, so was that part of the reason why they were bullying you? | ||
| So when I asked them, like, why are you guys... | ||
| So it all started with, like, I wrote a note. | ||
| You know, you're in sixth, seventh grade, you're passing notes back and forth. | ||
| And I called someone, this other girl, like, called her annoying and said she was being a bitch, right? | ||
| And then that escalated to... | ||
| By the end of the day, it was that scene in the movie where you walk in the lunchroom and everyone just looks at you. | ||
| Because the thing was, the girls that I wrote that about were the popular girls. | ||
| And so, anyone who wanted to be popular took their side. | ||
| And everyone just was like, I don't know. | ||
| So, I had a concert that weekend on a military base. | ||
| And I went to Vegas for the concert or something. | ||
| When I came back, it just had increased. | ||
| And so when I asked them, like, why are you guys doing this? | ||
| I wrote a note. | ||
| We all write notes in school. | ||
| We're in seventh grade. | ||
| That's what we do. | ||
| And they were just like, well, you're a whore and you're fat. | ||
| And so I internalized what they were saying. | ||
| And that's when my eating disorder developed. | ||
| And I couldn't, I mean, I wasn't a whore. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is so crazy how children have this instinct to pile on to people like that, though. | ||
| It's, bullying is, it's more common than not, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Well, and you have to understand is my generation was like the first with social media. | ||
| So what I was really dealing with was the cyber bullying of everything. | ||
| It wasn't... | ||
| I had wished that someone had tried to fight me because I'm a fighter. | ||
| And so I would have thrown down. | ||
| But they were coming at me with words that scarred me emotionally for years to come and ended up, you know, scarring me for the rest of my life. | ||
| Um... | ||
| And I kept saying to people who didn't understand cyberbullying, like, I wish that someone had just hit me and gotten it over with because at least I wouldn't have to live with those words that they said to me for years. | ||
| And that's what was the hardest part, was the emotional trauma of all of it, which made it hard to meet fans my age because I had just been bullied three years before by people my age. | ||
| When I was meeting fans, I was... | ||
| Excited to meet them, but at the same time, I knew what they were capable of. | ||
| So I had this weird battle in my head every time I'd meet someone my age of like, I'm so appreciative of you, but I'm also terrified of what you're capable of. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So you just had a wall up for any young kids that reminded you of the girls who bullied you? | ||
|
unidentified
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Mm-hmm. | |
| Which was my fan base at that time. | ||
| And so that was always in my mind. | ||
| And I actually never even told anybody that, really, because I didn't think it was important. | ||
| I also felt guilty for feeling that way towards my fans. | ||
| Did you discuss the bullying with anybody at the time? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I discussed it with my mom. | ||
| She took it. | ||
| I mean, she came to the school and tried to tell them what was happening. | ||
| And they were like, if it's cyberbullying, we can't do anything about it. | ||
| It doesn't happen on school grounds. | ||
| So no punishment really took place. | ||
| And, I mean, they had a suicide petition that they passed around the school and tried to get people to sign it so that I would kill my... | ||
| Like, it gets gnarly. | ||
| And girls can be mean. | ||
| Middle school girls can be mean. | ||
| And so I talked about it a lot. | ||
| And then I decided... | ||
| That was really my first taste of activism work, was... | ||
| Being an advocate for anti-bullying and I remember I like decided to start talking about it and I felt like I felt some purpose and All of a sudden my career wasn't about my talent anymore. | ||
| Have you ever run into those girls? | ||
| So, I haven't run into them, but I did make a phone call to, like, the main girl that bullied me. | ||
| Because when I got sober, a part of the program they teach you to, on your ninth step, is you make amends. | ||
| And... | ||
| When you do your resentments, or you make a list of resentments, you write down everyone you've had a resentment against your entire life. | ||
| At least this is the way I was brought through the steps. | ||
| And her name was on it. | ||
| And when they had me go through what was my part, and I was like, well, I put the name down that she was a bitch. | ||
| So I guess I did play a part in that. | ||
| And when I looked at everything, I was like, you know, I can't look back at that situation and say that I was innocent. | ||
| So I went to own my part, but a part of the step was calling and making amends. | ||
| And so I called her. | ||
| And she was like, oh my gosh, I can't even believe you remember who I am. | ||
| And I was like, bitch, you ruined my life. | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| And I was so, I just like sat there and I was like, cool. | ||
|
unidentified
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I think this concludes the end of this phone call. | |
| I'm sorry and wish you well. | ||
| Did you get past that? | ||
| Did you talk to her? | ||
| She was so thrown off that I even remembered who she was after becoming famous and a celebrity that she wasn't interested in talking about What had happened when I was 12, or when we were 12. What did she want to talk about? | ||
| Like, what's it like to be you? | ||
| Like, how are you? | ||
| Like, oh my god, I miss you so much. | ||
| I hope you're well. | ||
| And I was just like... | ||
| God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. | ||
| It's so strange. | ||
| People that are not famous, for some reason, they think that people who are famous are not people. | ||
| You become a famous person. | ||
| You're not a person. | ||
| It's like you have a shield around you. | ||
| All your emotional scars or all of your past. | ||
| For some reason, that doesn't affect you. | ||
| You're in a castle somewhere covered in gold. | ||
| Yeah, they think that. | ||
| That's probably how she felt when she was talking to you. | ||
| Like, how do you remember me? | ||
| Like, you're in a castle covered in gold. | ||
| And so I'm hearing this thinking like, I just got out of treatment for an eating disorder. | ||
| Like, you don't think I remember you? | ||
| You were the first person to ever call me... | ||
| Or, not the first, but... | ||
| Like, you were the first mean girl to call me fat. | ||
| Like, of course I remember you. | ||
| It was just wild. | ||
| But, you know, you look back at times like that and everybody... | ||
| Like, those were my teachers at that time. | ||
| Like, we all have teachers and people. | ||
| And so even though I... I used to resent that person for many years. | ||
| I look at that time in my life and I'm like, well, I needed to learn those lessons then. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| Can't change the past. | ||
| It's a painful lesson that hangs with you for that long. | ||
| But did you feel a large weight lifted off you after having that conversation with her? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| Felt the same way? | ||
| No, it actually made me more upset because I was like... | ||
| How does someone who literally altered the course of my life, not that I'm blaming her for my eating disorder, I would have probably developed one anyways because my mother had one. | ||
| And so I was looking at negative food behaviors. | ||
| And that's all I knew. | ||
| And so when someone called me fat, I knew exactly what to do. | ||
| Now, like I said, I don't blame her for it. | ||
| But I couldn't believe that she didn't think I remembered who she was after what she said made me decide to stop eating. | ||
| Yeah, I just, what I said earlier, I just don't think that someone like her ever thinks that someone like you even has normal feelings. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| And a lot of people still think that about celebrities. | ||
| A common thing that I hear all the time is like, I hate it when celebrities talk about politics. | ||
| And it's like, are we not a citizen of the same country? | ||
|
unidentified
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Because if you have a right to talk about politics, I do too. | |
| I think what people have a problem with is when celebrities tell people what to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because people will listen. | ||
| Then I have a problem with that too. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| And I do it. | ||
| And I tell people what to do. | ||
| And I'm like, don't listen to me. | ||
| I'm a fucking idiot. | ||
| But I think that that is a thing where when people, regular folks hear someone who's maybe an actor talking about, you know, how he wants to vote for Joe Biden. | ||
| And you're like, hey man, just shut the fuck up. | ||
| Just go be Captain America or whatever you do. | ||
| Not Captain America. | ||
| That guy's great. | ||
| I don't know why I say that. | ||
| But you know what I mean? | ||
| Go be some whatever you are in some television show or some movie. | ||
| Don't lecture folks about politics when you probably barely know what you're talking about and you're only doing it to suck up to the liberal people in Hollywood that you think they're going to give you movie roles. | ||
| But in the defense of that, I will say that like... | ||
| Pretty much everyone in Hollywood, I guess, is... | ||
| Pretty much everyone is a liberal. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| By saying you're a liberal is not going to help you get a role in a movie. | ||
| It does help, though. | ||
| It helps reaffirm. | ||
| Because there's a few people that aren't liberals, like Chris Pratt, and he has to keep his mouth shut. | ||
| He has to, like, be real careful. | ||
| Like, if he's... | ||
| Like, people were going after him online for, like, nothing one day. | ||
| I forget what it was. | ||
| But it's just, like, they don't like him because he's Christian. | ||
| Like, literally. | ||
| Like, I've seen people say, I don't trust him, he's a creepy Christian. | ||
| That's so terrible. | ||
| He's the nicest guy on earth. | ||
| No, I know Chris. | ||
| He's super sweet. | ||
| He's so nice, it seems fake. | ||
| We... | ||
|
unidentified
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Totally! | |
| But he really is. | ||
| That's really him. | ||
| I've been around him multiple times. | ||
| I went on a hunting trip with him. | ||
| I hung out with him in Utah for a week. | ||
| He's the nicest guy. | ||
| He's so, so, so sweet. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| I mean, that's really who he is. | ||
| I ran into him randomly with my family when we were in Hawaii on a vacation. | ||
| Just ran into him. | ||
| He's like that all the time. | ||
| He's a genuine great guy, but the best example of a Christian. | ||
| The idea of being a Christian is, love your brothers as you would yourself, be kind, spread the word of peace and love. | ||
| That's literally who that guy is. | ||
| I mean, he really lives that way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I believe it. | ||
| And I don't know him super well, but we used to work out at the same gym. | ||
| And so I'd always see him in there. | ||
| And he's kind of a goofball. | ||
| He's a goofball. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was really funny to see him be like this action star outside of the gym, but in the gym make dad jokes. | ||
| And he used to be a fat guy, too. | ||
| So he's got that kind of like, used to be a fat guy, now he's a hot guy energy. | ||
| Got it, got it, got it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Because remember when he was on, what was it, Parks and Recreation? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't even see that show. | ||
| I never saw that show. | ||
| I never saw it either, but I remember him from it. | ||
| And then all of a sudden he's on Guardians of the Galaxy and he's jacked. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But anyway, super nice guy. | ||
| But he's one of the rare people that is a young guy or a young person who is not a liberal in Hollywood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's tricky. | ||
| And I will say that I think there's this sense of urgency with anybody with a platform because when you only focus on... | ||
| Like, you use your platform for... | ||
| You talk about so much stuff. | ||
| You bring awareness to so many topics. | ||
| You know, it's not politics, per se, in this instance. | ||
| But, you know, it's like... | ||
| I think there's this urgency with celebrities who have a platform to use it for something good. | ||
| Otherwise, I just feel like I'm basking in the glory of my ego. | ||
| Because a concert is like, look at me, I'm on stage... | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| You're all here to see me. | ||
| And then if I don't do something good with that, then I feel like a narcissist. | ||
| That's probably good that you think that way. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| No, it's smart because you're kind of self-checking. | ||
| But you could also look at it this way, that what you're doing is doing your best work, and your best work, just your best singing and putting together songs and performances, has a massive positive impact on your fans. | ||
| I mean, you have to think about it, not just in terms of you getting all the love and adulation that you do get, and that you would be a narcissist, but you're doing your best work. | ||
| And when you do your best work, and you have Thousands and thousands of screaming fans having the best time because of what you've done. | ||
| Because of the work that you put in and the performance that you put out. | ||
| When they're there watching it and experiencing it, they're having the time of their life. | ||
| So it is a net positive. | ||
| It's just the problem is only one person is the person with the microphone is singing and everybody's cheering at you. | ||
| So it feels fucking weird. | ||
| Fame is weird. | ||
| Fame is weird as fuck. | ||
| Weird as fuck? | ||
| Yeah, like it... | ||
| You probably experienced this, but I can't go into a restaurant and see a cell phone pop up in my direction without thinking someone's taking a picture. | ||
| And they might not be. | ||
| But I'm so hypervigilant in every scenario possible that if I hear a camera shutter, I might... | ||
| Spidey senses. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I fortunately grew up not famous, so I know both sides. | ||
| I know anonymity and I know fame. | ||
| I don't envy your position. | ||
| I've talked to quite a few people that have been young and famous, like Miley and just quite a few other ones. | ||
| Rob Lowe. | ||
| And it's a weird road. | ||
| It's a weird road when you don't know anything other than being famous. | ||
| And the power dynamics, too. | ||
| The struggles. | ||
| If you're providing for your family at a young age, that gets weird. | ||
| I think part of the reason why I rebelled so much as a teenager was because my parents didn't know how to raise a child star. | ||
| They did the best that they possibly could, but at one point when I'm being so... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was... | |
| What words can you say on here? | ||
| All of them. | ||
| I was a cunt, okay? | ||
| I was a 17-year-old cunt that didn't care. | ||
| I was just miserable because of how hard I was being worked and I didn't feel like I had the autonomy to stand up for my wants and needs. | ||
| And now I do. | ||
| So I'm good. | ||
| But, like, at this point, I just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I... I lost my train of thought. | |
| I knew this was going to happen. | ||
| What was I saying? | ||
| No, you were just talking about what it's like to be young and famous and your parents didn't know how to raise a child star. | ||
| Because get this, like, when, if I would get in trouble, my mom would say, you're grounded. | ||
| I'd say, well, I pay the bills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| What are you gonna do? | ||
| And she could smack me, but that's still not gonna make me stay grounded. | ||
| So it was this weird power struggle. | ||
| That's a weird spot to be in. | ||
| It's a weird spot to be in. | ||
| And I know that my parents did the best that they could. | ||
| And look, we all go through stuff. | ||
| I don't think anybody knows how to raise a child star. | ||
| There's no manual. | ||
| The only way to do it, I think you would have to raise like 30 of them in a row from birth to adult and go, well, that didn't work. | ||
| Let's try another way. | ||
| Well, that's not working. | ||
| Let's get this kid to join the military when they're young. | ||
| Let's get them to do, you know, fucking boot camp or something. | ||
| Like, I don't know what you would do to a child star to take them and make them grounded when they know that they can walk on stage and 18,000 people go bananas as soon as they see them. | ||
| It's a weird... | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so you've obviously done some things to try to balance yourself out. | ||
| You've done some things to try to mitigate some of the effects of fame and obviously just by the way you're talking about it, how you want to do good, you don't want to be a narcissist. | ||
| You think about these things all the time. | ||
| So when you said you went on that meditation trip, what are you trying to do when you're doing these things? | ||
| I went, you're going to laugh, I went the week of the election. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, I don't need to be here regardless of what happens. | ||
| Like, I just don't need to be in this country this week. | ||
| So I went to Mexico and I went on this meditation retreat and basically I met with my healers. | ||
| Like, I have a few healers. | ||
| One of my healers took me down there and introduced me to other healers there. | ||
| When you say you have a healer... | ||
| Yeah, I call her my healer. | ||
| She's super intuitive. | ||
| Psychic, if you will. | ||
| And then she helps me... | ||
| Get rid of money? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| She helps me get rid of negative energy and teaches me all the things. | ||
| What is her background? | ||
| Her background isn't in this stuff. | ||
| Is she an accountant? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| She's not an accountant. | ||
| How does one find a healer? | ||
| How do you get in contact with a healer? | ||
| It was like a friend of a friend. | ||
| I actually was not doing so well on a trip to Bali and my security guard knew her and invited her along and when I was there we worked together and she told me things that nobody knew. | ||
| Like what? | ||
| She knew that I was into some heavy stuff. | ||
| This was at the time that I had started using hard drugs. | ||
| Hard, hard drugs. | ||
| And nobody else knew that? | ||
| People around you knew it, right? | ||
| I think that my... | ||
| No. | ||
| People around me knew that I was maybe doing party drugs. | ||
| But nobody knew what I was actually doing. | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| Just you. | ||
| Just me. | ||
| And the people I was getting it from. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But the people you were getting it from knew you. | ||
| So they knew other people that you knew. | ||
| So I kept people at an arm's length when I was stone cold sober. | ||
| People that I worked with, that I was acquaintances with, but didn't hang out with. | ||
| And some of those people I knew partied. | ||
| So when I decided I wanted to relapse, I called one of them up and said, hey, what do you got? | ||
| I like the way you said it. | ||
| When I decided I wanted to relapse. | ||
| Yeah, because you do. | ||
| You do decide. | ||
| So, what is that decision? | ||
| Like, how do you make that decision? | ||
| Like, you're sitting around and you're just like, reality's too much, sobriety's too much, whatever this is is too much. | ||
| I just want to party. | ||
| It was more complicated than that because after being sober for six years, I couldn't understand why the last two years of my sobriety I had a raging eating disorder. | ||
| Like, if I'm so good spiritually and spiritually fit and all the things, why am I still throwing up? | ||
| To the point where it's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So I had told my treatment team at the time, I need help. | ||
| My bulimia is getting really bad. | ||
| And... | ||
| They said, well, you're not sick enough, but we can put together this week-long intensive retreat for you. | ||
| They said you're not sick enough? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How does someone decide you're not sick enough to get treatment? | ||
| I don't know, because the week before I had thrown up blood, and I had told them that. | ||
| And they were like, how much blood? | ||
| Pretty much. | ||
| I guess because to them I wasn't underweight or I don't know but it was really bad and I was miserable and so I asked them I asked them for help, and when I didn't get the help I needed, I just stayed miserable for like six months. | ||
| And after that six months, when I said, hey guys, guess what? | ||
| I'm still miserable and I need help, or I'm gonna pick up. | ||
| And I didn't get the help I needed, I picked up. | ||
| That's what you guys call doing drugs again? | ||
| Pick up? | ||
| I think because I was in the rooms of AA for so long. | ||
| Yeah, that's what they call a pickup. | ||
| I guess that's more NA, narcotics. | ||
| But yeah, I guess. | ||
| And so this healer knew all this jazz? | ||
| She knew what was going on? | ||
| She alluded to things that day. | ||
| This is the same healer that like also told me a year ago, right after I performed on the Super Bowl and Grammys, she was like, your career is gonna slow down a lot. | ||
| And I was like, what are you talking about? | ||
| I just teared up, teed up my career comeback this year. | ||
| And she was like, everyone's going to slow down, but don't worry. | ||
| And so I was like, okay. | ||
| I don't know what that means, but I told myself I wasn't going to worry. | ||
| And then we went into lockdown a month later for COVID. So she told you this in February? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody knew that was coming. | ||
| That bitch ain't a psychic. | ||
| Maybe January. | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was before COVID was a thing. | |
| COVID was a thing in November. | ||
| It was a thing in November in Japan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I didn't hear of it. | |
| Excuse me, in China. | ||
| People were paying attention. | ||
| I didn't hear of it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'm super skeptical. | ||
| Don't come for my healer. | ||
| Don't come for my healer. | ||
| I'm coming for that bitch. | ||
| Okay, then you meet with her and she'll tell you some crazy shit and it'll blow your mind. | ||
| I bet she won't. | ||
| Okay, then fine. | ||
| Is this her first fight? | ||
| No, I mean, I'm sure there are people that have some intuition. | ||
| So wait, you don't believe in intuition? | ||
| I don't not believe. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Do you believe in manifestation? | ||
| Meaning, do you make things happen? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like the secret, that kind of shit? | ||
| I guess. | ||
| I didn't read that book. | ||
| All that stuff, like the law of attraction, here's the problem with it. | ||
| They only talk to the people who are successful. | ||
| So you have a positive user bias, right? | ||
| So the people that are successful, like, hey, Bob, how did you become this big rock star? | ||
| And he'll say, listen, man, I dreamt it. | ||
| I put the pictures on my wall. | ||
| I practiced every night. | ||
| I listened to Hendrix. | ||
| I played music. | ||
| I lip-synced. | ||
| I did everything, man. | ||
| I lived it. | ||
| I wanted it so bad, and I made it happen. | ||
| But what about that guy that's, you know, working at the fucking... | ||
| Chuck E. Cheese right now, who also had the same dreams, who also had the pictures on his wall, who also lip-synced to songs and wanted to be in a band so bad. | ||
| It never happened. | ||
| I think for everyone who becomes successful at anything, you obsess on that thing, you think about that thing all the time, and when you do make it and they interview you, everyone wants to pretend there's some sort of magic involved in what they've created and what they've done. | ||
| I think there's definitely luck. | ||
| There's definitely moments where the stars align. | ||
| There's good fortune. | ||
| There's raw talent. | ||
| There's people that have personalities that are suited to whatever endeavor they pursue, whether it's athletics or whether it's art, whether it's literature, whatever it is that you excel at. | ||
| You can decide that it was manifest, that your mind created it. | ||
| That you were destined to do this, and you're destined to help the world and change the world. | ||
| But I think we attach meaning to things to try to find order in chaos. | ||
| And I think that if you just had a grand, if you had an enormous sample group of all the people that wanted the same things that you have, or all the people that wanted the same things that, you know, pick a person. | ||
| Chris Rock. | ||
| All the people that want to be a Chris Rock. | ||
| How many of them actually make it? | ||
| How many of them who have those dreams actually make it? | ||
| There's a lot involved. | ||
| This idea of manifest, the problem is it leaves out discipline. | ||
| It leaves out focus, drive, passion. | ||
| It leaves out objective thinking, introspective thinking, where you look at yourself and look at yourself honestly. | ||
| Like, what am I doing well? | ||
| And what am I sucking at? | ||
| And where am I failing? | ||
| And how do I correct? | ||
| And how do I make better? | ||
| That's how you get better at everything. | ||
| And some people don't do that. | ||
| So this idea of manifesting things, it is a part of an enormous thing. | ||
| 1,000%. | ||
| That's exactly what I was going to chime in and say. | ||
| I don't think that it's not the end-all, be-all. | ||
| I wouldn't have gotten to the position that I'm in today had I not... | ||
| Driven hours to auditions. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| And did the thing. | ||
| And had talent. | ||
| And on talent. | ||
| I know that I earned the chair that I'm sitting in today in front of you because I worked hard. | ||
| And I have talent. | ||
| And I did help manifest that. | ||
| But I think it all works together. | ||
| I believe in... | ||
| Listening to your intuition and honing in that ability and trying to Kind of like use what your body tells you and your intuition and your gut to make choices that will have the best outcome for your life. | ||
| And that's what mainly I mean by intuition. | ||
| Not like I don't need to know the tickets on a lottery ticket or the numbers on a lottery ticket. | ||
| I just like if I want something, I'm going to continue to work hard to get it, but I'm also going to manifest it. | ||
| And I think there's also intuition with people, right? | ||
| Like you have good feelings about people. | ||
| Like you meet people and you're like, I think you're going to be my friend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And sometimes it's real. | ||
| And then you also have intuitions about people like this person has fucking weird energy. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And you don't know why. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's something to people that you can't put on a scale. | ||
| You can't write it down. | ||
| You can't say, oh, well, they have 20 points of that. | ||
| You don't know what it is, but some people have a thing. | ||
| And that's a part of being a human being is reading people's energy. | ||
| But I think the problem is some people make a bigger deal out of that than it really is and then they try to pretend that they have special abilities and they take advantage of people who are looking for people that have special abilities. | ||
| And I've met those people. | ||
| They're spiritual gurus and leaders. | ||
| I think anyone that... | ||
| Navigates from a place of ego cannot be trusted. | ||
| I think that if you are If you meet a healer that is all about posting things on their Instagram or getting clout or whatever it is, I don't trust those healers. | ||
| But if you say some shit to me that really connects, and on top of that, you're not looking for anything from me, I don't feel like you have another agenda, then I can get on board with trusting you. | ||
| Then you can be my healer. | ||
| No, I said I could get on board with trusting you. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| It falls into the vernacular of the woo-woo, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Healer, guru. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| But I think it's probably not what you're envisioning. | ||
| I'm not sitting with my healer. | ||
| What do you do with your healer? | ||
| Um, we talk about a lot of things. | ||
| When the phone rings, does it say, like, Jenny the Healer? | ||
| No, but her name is Jennifer. | ||
| Did I tell you that? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Oh, that's... | ||
| Are you sure you're not intuitive? | ||
| Because... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Hold on, but listen. | ||
| You were telling a story outside, and I overheard you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Where, like, you said it was just how you can, like, tell when you're fighting someone and they start to lose energy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Well, I was joking around kind of, but our nurse said the people that had COVID, I knew they had COVID. I'm like, oh, bitch, you got it. | ||
| You got it. | ||
| They're like, I don't feel good, but I'm pretty sure I don't have it. | ||
| I'm like, you got it, bitch. | ||
| What I was saying is they have a thing where people, they just, you can't tell. | ||
| It's hard to read, but there's like a deflating. | ||
| Like when someone... | ||
| Feels great and looks great. | ||
| They got this energy. | ||
| Like, wow, you look great. | ||
| You got a lot of energy. | ||
| And then sometimes you see they're dragging. | ||
| I'm like, oh, you got it, bitch. | ||
| You're fighting it. | ||
| You're fighting it off. | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| But if you're sparring someone, sometimes when you're sparring, you could see they're deflating, even though it's hard to read. | ||
| Like, if you look at it in a video, you wouldn't even be able to tell. | ||
| But if you're in there with them, you're like, I feel your energy. | ||
| Your energy's starting to drop. | ||
| But if spirituality is essentially energy, even when you're manifesting things, it's like if you're putting positive energy towards something, if you are able to detect the drop of someone's energy, isn't that still in alignment with all of these things, you know? | ||
| Sort of, but I think there's a lot of physical characteristics that come with the drop of someone's energy. | ||
| There's a certain, like, they breathe a little heavier. | ||
| They don't move as quick. | ||
| I'm just saying I think that physical energy is still energy. | ||
| I think that, like, psychic energy, the physical energy of it all, like, I think it all blends together. | ||
| I don't think that it has to be one or the other. | ||
| No, I think you're right. | ||
| Yeah, I think... | ||
| There's some weird shit that happens when you think about someone and all of a sudden they call you. | ||
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| People say, oh, it's a coincidence. | ||
| Maybe it's a coincidence. | ||
| And it sounds better if it's a coincidence, right? | ||
| Then you sound smart and you sound like you diminish any possibility that there's some strange connection that people share with each other. | ||
| But I think sometimes it's almost... | ||
| It's almost weird enough where I'm willing to entertain the possibility that something else is going on. | ||
| Because sometimes I'll get a text message from somebody I haven't talked to in a long fucking time, and then I'm just thinking about them, and I'm like, how does this dude know that I'm thinking about him? | ||
| Or they'll call you, or they'll send you an email. | ||
| There's a little something going on. | ||
| I think we all have it. | ||
| We just individually have to harness it. | ||
| And you can harness it. | ||
| Go to different level, you can achieve different levels of psychic ability through meditation. | ||
| And through, like, I found that when I go inward, and I focus on my consciousness, that I'm able to either see things or weird things happen. | ||
| Like, Meditation helps me in so many ways. | ||
| Well, meditation allows you to cut back on a lot of the chatter. | ||
| A lot of the chatter that's going on in your head. | ||
| A lot of the noise. | ||
| And the more you have some semblance of peace and less noise, the more you'll be able to recognize things for what they really are. | ||
| See things clear. | ||
| And that's a real battle with people. | ||
| It's cutting out the internal chatter, cutting out the negative thinking and all the fucking tornado of shit that goes on in your head all the time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, and the people that don't try to silence that, they wind up going off the rails. | ||
| Like, you're a person who you've had your ups and downs with drugs and with, you know, with mental health, but you're here right now, rock solid! | ||
| Right? | ||
| Like, you and I are having a rock-solid conversation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's not easy for a person to do what you've done in your lifetime. | ||
| To be so young and to be so famous and to start off when you're fucking seven years old on Barney. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And to go through all these things. | ||
| But here, right now, rock-solid human being, regular conversation, you're right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, that shows that you've, you know, whatever these obstacles that have been put in front of you, you've figured your way over them or around them or you've gone through them. | ||
| You know, you're doing the right stuff. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I appreciate everything you just said, by the way. | ||
| That means a lot to me. | ||
| Well, you should be proud of yourself because I have many friends that were famous when they were young and it is not easy. | ||
| It's real hard. | ||
| And one friend whose parents ripped him off, he was a child actor and he was famous when he was really young and he found out as he was a grown adult that his parents had stolen millions of dollars from him. | ||
| And these are still his mom and his dad. | ||
| And he's like, what in the hell? | ||
| And he lives in this tortured world. | ||
| And he never sought out the things that you're seeking out. | ||
| And that's more common than not. | ||
| What's more common than not is when someone becomes famous very early. | ||
| And it doesn't even have to be young, right? | ||
| You could be in your 30s and get famous and go fucking crazy. | ||
| Because it's nuts. | ||
| Because it's just a weird concept. | ||
| Humans idolizing other humans is such a weird concept. | ||
| And if you don't do something like you're doing to sort of balance out your head and recognize, like, no, no, no, no, this is just crazy. | ||
| This is just some weird place that I got in, but I'm just a person. | ||
| Just like that girl that you called up. | ||
| She doesn't understand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, how do you even know who I am anymore? | |
| I'm like, bitch, I'll cut you. | ||
| Oh, I'm a blue belt. | ||
| I don't use knives anymore. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| We choke her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| Yeah, you're into jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| I remember I ran into you at the UFC. It was a couple of years ago. | ||
| And you were like really into jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Like you train hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was super, super into it until COVID hit. | |
| And then when COVID hit, I just, I got really, really nervous because I have asthma and autoimmune. | ||
| So I just, I got really nervous about training so close with anybody that I took a break from it. | ||
| But I'm anxious to get back. | ||
| I can't wait to train. | ||
| It's a good humbler. | ||
| That's a good thing to keep you balanced. | ||
| It's the best thing outside of meditation for me. | ||
| It's two totally different things. | ||
| It's kind of different but not. | ||
| But yeah, you're right. | ||
| Jiu-jitsu people are some of the calmest people I've ever met in my life. | ||
| They're all chill. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Especially when they get into flow rolling. | ||
| That is meditative. | ||
| That is meditation. | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I love it. | ||
| I think even like hard sparring is meditative because you're forced to think only of that thing. | ||
| And when you think about that thing only, it acts as like a cleansing. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It blows all that. | ||
| And also, it's so hard to do that regular stuff seems easy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like regular life seems easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Some pitches on top of you trying to collar choke you. | ||
| You're like, hey! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| But it's also like really empowering when you're collar choking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're like... | ||
| When you're mounting on someone? | ||
| Yeah, when you're mounting on someone and you're just... | ||
| Crazy, right? | ||
| It's empowering, for sure. | ||
| Do you remember the first time you tapped somebody out? | ||
| I actually don't. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| That means you probably tapped a bunch of people out. | ||
| I've tapped out a few people in my time. | ||
| Isn't that wild, though? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's really wild is when you surpass yourself. | ||
| You think... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I never thought that I'd get a blue belt. | ||
| I just never thought that I'd be a belt in anything. | ||
| I'm a singer. | ||
| And then hard work pays off. | ||
| And it's just really cool when you get to prove yourself wrong. | ||
| Well, if you get to blue belt, you're at purple belt. | ||
| And if you get to purple belt, you can get to black belt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| That's all it is. | ||
| Where are you training? | ||
| So I was training at Unbreakable in West Hollywood. | ||
| That's a great gym. | ||
| I love that gym so much. | ||
| Famous people can go there too. | ||
| For whatever reason, Snoop goes there, Wiz Khalifa goes there, Stallone goes there. | ||
| The reason why it's so chill is they have a no cameras policy. | ||
| It's kind of like the Soho house of gyms, they call it. | ||
| And a lot of athletes go in and train there too, but it's private and it's super chill. | ||
| I used to train there and then I started training at my apartment building that I was living in. | ||
| And I got a house, so I just will train there. | ||
| So, have you gone to other jiu-jitsu schools? | ||
| Like, if you're on the road, have you ever done that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I've gone to random places throughout the country, but I couldn't tell you the name. | ||
| And there weren't also a lot of people in there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Limited to the amount of people. | ||
| Just a small amount of people that you can train with. | ||
| Yeah, or just my trainer. | ||
| You know, it's hard for me. | ||
| Not a lot of people wanted to let me train with other people outside of a private lesson. | ||
| Did they worry about you getting hurt? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they were worried about people being like, And then you sue the shit out of them. | |
| Right. | ||
| Or just not being able to walk on stage. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Somebody heel hooks you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, sorry, everybody. | ||
| I lost my ACL. Right, right. | ||
| Training. | ||
| I have worn boots on stage, too. | ||
| So I'm a very clumsy person. | ||
| You've worn boots like broken foot boots? | ||
| Is that what you mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Broken foot boots, yeah. | |
| Really? | ||
| What happened to your foot? | ||
| So I broke my ankle in 2012, I think, or 2013. And then I broke my foot in 2018. And I still had to tour with a broken foot. | ||
| Yeah, I just bedazzled it. | ||
| You bedazzled your boot? | ||
| And I did it myself, like, in my hotel room in Ireland. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, the cheapest, like, little jewels and hot glue. | |
| That's hilarious. | ||
| When you were touring, how often were you on the road? | ||
| Well, in the beginning of my career, it was nuts. | ||
| There was a time that summer that I had my first show in and Camp Rock released. | ||
| By the end of, I guess, 90 days, I had done 70 concerts. | ||
| 70 shows. | ||
| 70 performances in 90 days. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| How did your voice hold up? | ||
| It didn't. | ||
| It didn't always hold up. | ||
| And I learned from that in the beginning. | ||
| I think my manager at the time had managed the Jonas Brothers and didn't realize when he took on me as a solo artist that I would need more time to recover. | ||
| Because you know when you're managing three guys, you're not factoring in two hours of hair and makeup. | ||
| A full show of performance by yourself. | ||
| You can't rely on your brother if you're tired. | ||
| There's nobody else but you on stage. | ||
| And so there was an adjustment period because they were used to working so much. | ||
| So he just kind of gave me that schedule. | ||
| But when I said, hey, I can't work like this. | ||
| This is too much. | ||
| And my voice needs time to heal. | ||
| Then I started touring like It went from like five shows a week to four to three. | ||
| So I do like three shows a week when I'm on tour pretty much. | ||
| And is that like what you found is maintainable now? | ||
| Like three shows is the way to do it because do you have to do like one show and then a day off? | ||
| Yes, I normally do that. | ||
| And then just drink tea and not talk to people? | ||
| And sleep. | ||
| Sleeping heals my voice like No other. | ||
| So hot tea, sleep, water, and then I don't know what works now, to be honest, because I'm in a different place than I was the last time I toured in 2018. How so? | ||
| Well, 2018, I went on a North American tour and then a world tour. | ||
| And the North American tour, I was sober, but bulimic. | ||
| Then when I went on the world tour, I wasn't sober, but I wasn't bulimic anymore. | ||
| So it was just like... | ||
| I had different needs at the time, and I think my needs will be very different than... | ||
| Three years ago. | ||
| And you have to be really careful to not do permanent damage to your throat, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Because vocal cords, for singers that push it too hard and they get polyps and all kinds of weird things, you have to have surgery. | ||
| Nodes, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it can get rough, right? | ||
| Yeah, it can get rough. | ||
| But... | ||
| Fortunately, I've only, knock on wood, had negative, like, implications with my voice after being sick. | ||
| That's like the only time that I've had to cancel a show or anything like that, so... | ||
| Well, the lemon probably helps. | ||
| There's something about lemon in hot water that's always good when I have a fucked up voice. | ||
| I don't know why, but lemon just seems to do it. | ||
| It calms it down. | ||
| I just can't get enough of lemon water. | ||
| It's good for you. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Citrus. | ||
| What was your drug of choice? | ||
| Were you trying to escape? | ||
| What did you start with? | ||
| Start with wind. | ||
| When you first started recognizing that you were using, like, and you were using probably to try to mitigate some of the pressures of fame and all the wildness of your life. | ||
| The first time I ever realized I had a problem was when I was 18. And it was Coke. | ||
| Coke? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And what did Coke do for you? | ||
| Because I had had an eating disorder, I knew what it could do for me. | ||
| Curbs your appetite, keeps you skinny. | ||
| Yeah, and so that was it. | ||
| And then I got sober for a few months and went out. | ||
| And the problem was that's when I got addicted to pills and coke together. | ||
| Xanax. | ||
| Because I wasn't sleeping from the coke and needed to go to sleep at night. | ||
| So I would take a Xanax, but then I would stay up. | ||
| And then I ended up liking the effects of both of them at the same time. | ||
| I used to always think of Xanax as this thing that people did, just no big deal. | ||
| Just, oh, you take a Xanax, you relax, take a Xanax, have a glass of wine, relax. | ||
| I had no idea how difficult those things were to kick until two things. | ||
| One, my friend Jordan Peterson got off of it and it took him like a year and he was in hell. | ||
| And then talking to another friend, Hamilton Morris, who is a real chemist. | ||
| It really understands the actual mechanisms of what these drugs do to your mind and your body and why it's so difficult to get off of them. | ||
| But benzodiazepines, Xanax and those type of drugs, those anti-depressants or anti-anxiety rather, those medications are some of the most difficult drugs to get off of. | ||
| Way more difficult even for many people than heroin. | ||
| Yeah, so in my experience, when I have withdrawn from heroin, I'm not worried necessarily about what's going to happen to me physically. | ||
| When I have had to come off of Xanax in the past, I've had to talk to a doctor about it, get on a prescription to get off of it. | ||
| It's a whole thing because people don't realize that heroin... | ||
| I don't know if anyone has died of a heroin withdrawal, but it's not typical for people to die from heroin withdrawals. | ||
| It's typically alcohol and benzodiazepines. | ||
| Yeah, those are the two big ones. | ||
| Because without properly withdrawing off of them, you can go into a grand mal seizure. | ||
| And that's where it gets scary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's terrifying. | ||
| The other thing that Hamilton was explaining is that it changes your baseline, that when you get on these things and it does alleviate some of your anxiety, but then when you get off of them, it actually accentuates your anxiety. | ||
| So your anxiety, whatever you had before, is now elevated. | ||
| So it becomes more difficult to get off of them because you needed them because you were trying to alleviate your anxiety. | ||
| Now you get off of them and you're more anxious than you've ever been before. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So it's not even back to normal. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Is that what it felt like with you? | ||
| To be honest... | ||
| The last time that I had to withdraw from benzos was 10 years ago. | ||
| How old are you now? | ||
| 28. So you were 18 years old and you were withdrawn from benzos. | ||
| Or 19. 13 or 19, yeah. | ||
| And that was that experience. | ||
| I just remember it was my first time ever going into withdrawals from something and I felt like I had the flu. | ||
| I was on the couch for a week just watching TV, sleeping. | ||
| It was not fun. | ||
| I had no energy because I was coming off coke. | ||
| Like, yeah, just sleeping. | ||
| It was... | ||
| What did they put you on to help you get off of benzos? | ||
| Some other thing. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was a prescription that my psychiatrist gave me. | ||
| Did it help? | ||
| It was supposed to help wean me off so that I wouldn't go into a seizure. | ||
| It wasn't like it actually helped me mentally or anything. | ||
| I don't think I even felt, if it did have benefits, I didn't feel them because I was feeling so terrible that week. | ||
| So, coke and benzos were the first. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And did the benzos, did the Xanax, did it help you? | ||
| I would imagine like who you are now, you're much more accustomed to the fame and the life and you're kind of like settling into it. | ||
| But I would imagine that being 17, 18, 19, it was probably unbearable at times because it's probably so insane. | ||
| The most insane thing to me that I could never wrap my head around was, like, I was a minor being followed by paparazzi, which are grown men. | ||
| And so here I am, 16, 17 years old, going to dinner at Bob's Burgers with my friends and paparazzi's there. | ||
| But it was perfectly legal because they had a camera. | ||
| Where does that make sense for a minor to be followed by grown men, but it's okay because they have a camera? | ||
| I think the idea is that once you're famous, once you're in a media form, whether it's television or movies, that you're free game. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And they can just take pictures of you, even though they don't have to have your permission. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like if you're a minor, it really should be illegal for them to take photos of you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It really should. | |
| It should. | ||
| And I think there's probably Disney stars that would get mad at me for saying that, that might be under 18. Well, they can consent to having their photos taken. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But I think there needs to be like... | ||
| That. | ||
| There needs to be consent. | ||
| And the fact that there wasn't any... | ||
| There were times where I hid in my house. | ||
| Halloween one night, I hid in my... | ||
| When I was 16, me and another Disney star just hid in my room. | ||
| You know, you said you do hair and makeup for two hours before you go on tour. | ||
| Maybe you can get like a special effects person to give you a crazy nose and like a weird forehead. | ||
| I've thought about it. | ||
| I want to. | ||
| I want to for sure. | ||
| I want to. | ||
| Throw a wig on and just go out on the town. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I barely have any hair now, so it'd be super easy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You could totally do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, they can do wild shit with people's faces now. | ||
| Oh yeah, for sure. | ||
| Well, fortunately with COVID, the masks, you put on sunglasses, nobody can see you. | ||
| Yeah, but your hand tattoo. | ||
| My tattoos, my necktie. | ||
| But a lot of people have neck tattoos. | ||
| A lot of people have those today. | ||
| But you can cover that up with makeup or wear a turtleneck or some shit. | ||
| Yeah, a turtleneck, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you can move around, but it does help. | ||
| It's weird when someone recognizes you when you have a hat, glasses, and a face mask. | ||
| Yes, and you're like, how? | ||
| What in the fuck? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Some people are just tuned in, especially if they're a big fan of yours. | ||
| They listen to all your albums. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or if they're psychic. | |
| Or maybe they're healers. | ||
| So, you get off of that stuff, and how much time are you sober before you start doing anything again? | ||
| That time, I stayed sober for six years. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. | ||
| About a month later, I got sober and stayed sober for six years. | ||
| So you had some rocky patches trying to get off the train. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I had some rocky patches because I wasn't ready to commit to sobriety for the rest of my life. | ||
| But I knew I needed to do it because I had people that were saying, for instance, my family was saying, we're going to move back to Texas. | ||
| You won't be able to see your little sister anymore if you keep doing this. | ||
| And also I had other people around me that said, we're gonna leave you if you pick up again. | ||
| And they did when I ended up picking up again. | ||
| So that's the boundary they set for me and I can respect that. | ||
| So you had a good stretch of multiple years. | ||
| What set it back off again? | ||
| Well, it was like I was saying... | ||
| The bulimia? | ||
| The bulimia for two years and being miserable all while not doing anything and thinking, why? | ||
| Why am I not doing anything? | ||
| Because I'm miserable. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's not like you're sober and you're happy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And when I called an acquaintance that night that I knew from... | ||
| The dirty days. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, not the dirty days. | ||
| Just a fellow songwriter that I had worked with in the studio one time. | ||
| And she had made an off-the-cuff comment about partying the night before. | ||
| So I was like, mental note. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| Good to know. | ||
| Don't hang out with her. | ||
| But when this happened, I was like, I'm going to call that person. | ||
| And She brought some stuff over and... | ||
| A suitcase? | ||
| Like Pulp Fiction? | ||
| The duffel bag happened later that night, but not from her. | ||
| A duffel bag? | ||
| Duffel bag, yeah. | ||
| A fucking duffel bag? | ||
| It was a fucking duffel bag. | ||
| It was the worst... | ||
| Okay, talk about the worst timing. | ||
| The first night that I decide I'm going to go out, I go to a party, and my old dealer from six years before is there at the party. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| Okay, and then it just was kind of a nightmare for a little bit. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| What kind of dealers are dealers to stars? | ||
| That's a weird dealer. | ||
| That's a strange dealer situation. | ||
| Dealers that are hanging out with rock stars and partying with them. | ||
| I think it's weirder to take advantage of people that don't have money and are dealers to regular people on the street. | ||
| I'm not saying that it's good to take advantage of anybody, but I'm saying I can see the incentive of wanting to go after a celebrity because they have a lot of money. | ||
| It's like, how do you go after somebody that's already on the street and homeless and not making anything? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I see the incentive to go after someone with money. | ||
| I see what you're saying, but I think you're looking at it in a different way than I am because you're looking at it like they're going after you. | ||
| I don't look at it like that. | ||
| I look at it like there's an opening and someone's going to take that opening. | ||
| Oh, I see what you mean. | ||
| It's there. | ||
| You're going to use. | ||
| These homeless people are going to use. | ||
| People are going to use. | ||
| And they're just taking advantage of the fact that it's like if they didn't exist, if they were never born, that homeless person is still going to do meth. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's not like they're like, hey, you don't need to get your shit together. | ||
| That tent's perfect for you. | ||
| What you need is some meth. | ||
| It's not really... | ||
| But the thing, what I'm saying is, like, this person's a criminal. | ||
| They're out there selling illegal drugs and they're partying with rock stars. | ||
| And so they're texting back and forth with these, like, super famous people. | ||
| But they're also doing this thing that could wind them up in jail for 20-plus years if they get caught. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Which is, it's a weird way to live. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, because you're intimate with these people. | ||
| You know these people very well that are, like, splashing the front page of magazines and on TMZ and all this shit. | ||
| And then here you are selling them Coke. | ||
| It's a fucking strange life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What kind of dude is a coke dealer to rock stars? | ||
| You don't have to say their name. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I'm just trying to think of which one. | ||
| There's so many. | ||
| There's so many? | ||
| Yes, there's so many. | ||
| It's not just celebrities doing drugs. | ||
| Everyone in LA is doing something, whether it's smoking weed, whether it's drinking coffee, whether it's eating sugar. | ||
| Everyone has their vice. | ||
| And so there are people in LA who are partying and doing these drugs that aren't celebrities. | ||
| And that's where the dealers come from. | ||
| They don't just like meet celebrities and start selling to celebrities. | ||
| They're hanging around the people that are going to the parties, clubs, whatever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But no one's breaking into their mom's house and stealing her jewelry for coffee and sugar. | ||
| True. | ||
| True. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Coke and pills. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a different animal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, of course. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I for sure know that it's a different animal. | ||
| But I do agree with you. | ||
| But there's a lot of people, just regular people that do drugs. | ||
| That's the problem with the concept of a drug-free America. | ||
| A lot of these people saying that are smoking cigarettes. | ||
| Or drinking coffee. | ||
| They're all drinking coffee. | ||
| Or eating sugar every day. | ||
| Or taking antidepressants. | ||
| Or taking Ritalin. | ||
| There's a lot of, oh, I have ADHD, I need Adderall. | ||
| I'm not doing drugs. | ||
| You're fucking bouncing off the wall and cleaning other people's houses. | ||
| I'm talking You're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| You're on drugs. | ||
| There's a lot of, you know, there's a lot of drugs that you can get that are, you know, like you said, coffee or a lot of other things. | ||
| You could get these stimulants. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, energy drinks. | ||
| Yeah, energy drinks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People are trying to do things to change their state of mind. | ||
| They don't like where they're at. | ||
| And they want to elevate or lower it or do something. | ||
| And they always want to cast judgment on other people that are doing it in a different way. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| Human beings are really interesting. | ||
| Really interesting in our desire to escape our state of mind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| And to try to almost always do it with a substance rather than an activity. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Do you think that escaping your state of mind is beneficial, period? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Sometimes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think there's a benefit in escaping certain states of mind, for sure. | ||
| Depressed states of mind, anxious states of mind, anger, fear. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A run will cure you of most of what ails you. | ||
| There's a lot of things that you can do where you feel like you're overwhelmed with anxiety or thoughts or just so many... | ||
| So much pressure and the weirdness of life. | ||
| It sounds so simplistic, but a really brutal workout oftentimes will alleviate most of those feelings to the point where if you could take in a pill form what it feels like to complete a brutal 90-minute kettlebell workout and how you feel after it's over... | ||
| In terms of your relationship to anxiety and your relationship to stress and pressure, that pill would be so popular. | ||
| It'd be so popular. | ||
| But the actual act of doing a 90-minute hard workout, for some people, is just so daunting. | ||
| They just... | ||
| I think the reason because of that is because of the diet culture that is forced on us 24-7 and especially women. | ||
| Women don't... | ||
| I'm not going to want to go do a hard 90-minute workout at 10 p.m. | ||
| at night or whenever. | ||
| Say it's 3 in the afternoon if I'm stressed because the second I walk into the gym, I'm now seeing... | ||
| If I'm walking into a regular gym at Unbreakable, they don't have weight loss shit on the walls. | ||
| But if you walk into a normal gym, if a woman or anybody has had an eating disorder or deals with the effects of diet culture and has dealt with all the shame that comes with that, that isn't the most therapeutic way for someone. | ||
| I think it's... | ||
| You're right, but for some people, a workout isn't as beneficial because they might deal with the crippling shame and anxiety of the diet culture that's put in our faces every day, you know? | ||
| I understand what you're saying. | ||
| So when you go to a normal gym, there's like weight loss this, and lose fat, and fat burner this. | ||
| Or there's just mirrors everywhere. | ||
| Like, Unbreakable doesn't have mirrors, which is why I really found comfort in And like working out there because I didn't I wasn't catching the corner of my eye thinking I need to work on this or I need to strengthen this. | ||
| You know, it's not about that. | ||
| It's about making myself feel better, which is what you were talking about. | ||
| But I think when like it's easy people can get easily distracted and it becomes more stressful for them to step foot in those environments than it is to maybe go on a walk. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's the beautiful thing about exercise videos. | ||
| That you can just watch someone do a video. | ||
| True. | ||
| Or if you have a really good coach or a trainer that can come over and put you through a video where you don't have to stare at some weight loss advertisement. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I can understand how that would be, especially if this is something that you've battled over and over again. | ||
| It's like being an alcoholic and going to a bar. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's exactly like that. | ||
| And so I appreciate you being able to see that. | ||
| And I think for me, like, when I really want to get in a good workout, now, like, because of COVID, it used to be jujitsu, but, you know, now it's going on a hike. | ||
| Or it's getting outside, being outdoors, anything like that. | ||
| I love snowboarding. | ||
| You living in California? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of the best things about California is there's so many hills. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| A good hike. | ||
| It's like a real fucking workout. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I love hiking. | ||
| I love hiking so much. | ||
| Yeah, it's nice to just be outside, too. | ||
| It's like there's something good about that. | ||
| It's good for you to just be separate. | ||
| You know, the gyms are great because everything's all there. | ||
| You can get it all done. | ||
| But there's definitely a benefit in doing things outside. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you do yoga? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I used to do Bikram. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Then you watched the documentary. | ||
| And then I watched the documentary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That fucking guy ruined yoga for so many people. | |
| I stopped Bikram before I watched the doc, but yeah, that's nuts. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I did Bikram for a while because it was extreme and I only liked extreme workouts for a period of time. | ||
| And... | ||
| For me, an hour and a half in a sauna is extreme. | ||
| I know that MMA fighters are used to cutting weight. | ||
| I can't do that. | ||
| So that was extreme for me. | ||
| They only do that once a fight. | ||
| True, true. | ||
| For a lot of those guys, they don't ever want to touch a sauna. | ||
| They'll get that fucking thing away from me. | ||
| I do that once before a fight and that's it. | ||
| I've seen people in the Aerodyne machine in a sauna and I'm like, I don't know how... | ||
| Laird Hamilton, do you know who he is? | ||
| No. | ||
| He's a world-famous, world-champion surfer. | ||
| He's a real freak of nature. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| And his wife is Gabby Reese, who's another famous world-class athlete. | ||
| And he does workouts in the sauna with oven mitts on. | ||
| He gets on an Airdyne machine. | ||
| This is his fucking savage. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's a savage. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So he's in the sauna... | ||
| 250 degrees in the sauna sometimes. | ||
| Like, no bullshit. | ||
| Like, he sent me photos where it says, like, 230. And I'm like, you're gonna... | ||
| That's a brisket. | ||
| You're cooking a brisket. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He can't stay in there. | |
| You're gonna die. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| But he can tolerate it. | ||
| He's built himself up to be able to do that. | ||
| But he also wears oven mitts and rides a fucking airdyne machine in there. | ||
| Yeah, because the metal gets too hot to hold it. | ||
| Oh my god, I wasn't even thinking about that. | ||
| That's why he's got the oven mitts on. | ||
| You can't hold on to the metal. | ||
| Yeah, what in the fuck, dude? | ||
| I just thought he wanted to sweat more or something. | ||
| I was like, no, I need to do it without the mittens at least. | ||
| It's a fucking frying pan. | ||
| He's holding on to a frying pan. | ||
| Wow, that's... | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| That is wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He's a crazy person. | ||
| He does a lot of crazy shit too. | ||
| He does like these weird weightlifting workouts. | ||
| He actually has a whole protocol for weightlifting workouts in the pool. | ||
| So he'll like take 75 pound dumbbells and dive in the water and swim across the pool with a 75 pound dumbbell in his hand. | ||
| Yeah, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I have friends that have gone and he lives in Malibu and also in Hawaii. | ||
| But in Malibu, they have a setup where people come to their house and he'll take them through these workouts. | ||
| And I have friends that have gone there and they're like, dude, it's fucking ridiculous. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| The shit he does is just ridiculous. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've had a few times where people like some fighters have asked me to like work out with them. | ||
| And that's a hard no for me. | ||
| I'm just like, one time Ronda Rousey was like, you want to go to the sand dunes and run the sand dunes? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here, bitch. | ||
| No, I said yes. | ||
| And then I told my boyfriend at the time and he was like, you're going to do what? | ||
| And I was like, yeah, I'm going to go run the sand dunes. | ||
| And he was like, you know how hard that is? | ||
| And I texted her back. | ||
| I was like, I don't think I can do that. | ||
| It's really hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a weird thing how, like, you're running. | ||
| Like, running a hill is hard. | ||
| Running a sand hill is like running a hill times three. | ||
| There's something... | ||
| It's like the sand gives out. | ||
| You're not getting anywhere. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look, walking at the beach is hard enough. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I'm just trying to keep my flip-flops on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| I'm flexing my toes. | ||
| Just trying to get to my towel. | ||
| So... | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing what a hard workout you can get on sand dunes. | ||
| Running dunes, that's maniac shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was on some maniac shit back then, though. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah, I was on some maniac shit. | ||
| Like, what else were you doing? | ||
| I was nuts with my workouts. | ||
| There were times where I would live at the gym. | ||
| I would work out in the morning and then I would take a meeting at the gym, like in the back office. | ||
| My management would come to the gym. | ||
| Yeah, I would take a meeting, maybe eat some food, go to a second workout, which was probably either like if I did jits in the morning, I'd do striking at lunch or vice versa. | ||
| And then I'd do weight training as my third workout. | ||
| And after I would eat and do recovery, like the Norma Tech pants, the IV. I was training like a fighter at one point. | ||
| And... | ||
| Were you training for something? | ||
| Did you decide you were going to try to do something? | ||
| Tour. | ||
| Just a tour? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why'd you want to get in such crazy shape? | |
| I think it has to do with my eating disorder. | ||
| I just was like... | ||
| I have the ability to compartmentalize things. | ||
| So if it's an intense workout, I can get through it by disassociating. | ||
| Which has worked in certain aspects of my life, but I've realized it's just not beneficial to my eating disorder. | ||
| So I know what my... | ||
| What I'm capable of physically. | ||
| I know I'm capable of a lot, but I don't take I don't push myself to that limit anymore because there's I'm not a pro athlete. | ||
| I'm a pop star. | ||
| There's no point and I literally had Dan Leith Who was a nutritionist for UFC fighters like he was my meal prep person My chef for a year. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And so people would ask me, like, what are you training for? | ||
| And I'm like, I don't know. | ||
| Like, nothing. | ||
| Well, one of the things that does happen to people when they develop addictions is they try to replace that negative addiction with a positive addiction. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And so I got sober and started working out so much. | ||
| Did you get shredded? | ||
| I did get a little shredded, for sure. | ||
| But I think that's why I, like... | ||
| Got to a blue belt so fast was because I was training. | ||
| I was taking privates three times a week. | ||
| And so I was training so much and... | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then it all went by the wayside during COVID. Listen, you can bounce right back. | |
| Yeah, muscle memory. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got this. | |
| But I think you probably don't want to get to that three times a day thing. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| There ain't no life in that. | ||
| No, there's not. | ||
| And that's what I had to realize, too. | ||
| How much of my life am I actually living? | ||
| Because I wasn't going to dinners with my friends. | ||
| I was inviting my friends over so that Dan could cook for my friends and I chicken breast and broccoli. | ||
| My friends were like, can we not go to your house for dinner tonight? | ||
| Your food's bland, bitch. | ||
| Yeah, they're just like, we're hungry. | ||
| Yeah, you're eating like you're cutting weight for a fight. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| For a year, yeah. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Were you taking supplements as well and doing the whole deal? | ||
| I never got super big into supplements, just like vitamins, but nothing. | ||
| Because my team had known about my eating disorder, for some reason, they were totally fine with me working out three times a day, but didn't want me to take supplements. | ||
| Oh, how weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But vitamins? | ||
| They were worried about vitamins? | ||
| Just the idea of a pill? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Supplements. | |
| I think they thought that if I went towards a supplement, I would go towards the weight loss stuff. | ||
| And they're not wrong. | ||
| The weight loss stuff is all speed, right? | ||
| I mean, there's no real weight loss stuff. | ||
| Which is probably why they were concerned. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rightly so. | |
| I heard of Garcinia pills or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was like a fad like four years ago. | ||
| Is that the shit Dr. Oz got in trouble for pushing? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| This was like four years ago, so maybe. | ||
| Yeah, they brought Dr. Oz in front of Congress. | ||
| They're like, hey, fuckface. | ||
| You're saying this is a miracle cure. | ||
| This shit doesn't do anything. | ||
| No! | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You didn't know about that? | ||
| No, I didn't know about that. | ||
| Yeah, he was pushing some miracle weight loss cure. | ||
| It's literally a miracle. | ||
| It literally doesn't do anything. | ||
| This is how you lose weight. | ||
| Taking less calories than you burn off. | ||
| Good night, everybody. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's the only way. | ||
| That's how you lose weight. | ||
| You don't lose weight by taking some fucking miracle. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's no miracle. | ||
| So he got in trouble for that. | ||
| I also just stopped caring about my weight, which is like... | ||
| I know for someone in the fitness world, it's probably hard for you to hear, but I think I just spent so many years stressing about it that in order to really find a balance with my health and my body, I had to legalize all the foods that I had Not kept down for however many years. | ||
| I didn't eat pasta or pizza or cheeseburgers for years. | ||
| I'm talking like years. | ||
| I did not eat them. | ||
| Now I just allow myself to eat what my body... | ||
| As craving. | ||
| And because of that, I don't eat the whole thing anymore. | ||
| If I'm craving ice cream, I allow myself to get the ice cream. | ||
| I eat it. | ||
| I don't throw it up. | ||
| And yet, I still don't finish it, which is funny because when I was in my eating disorder, I would finish it even if I was hungry or not. | ||
| It was just this like, I have to eat it now because if I don't eat it now, I'm never going to be able to. | ||
| It was just this weird compulsion that I had. | ||
| That's the problem, right? | ||
| These compulsions. | ||
| Whether it's eating disorders or gambling disorders or whatever, the human mind is very strange in these patterns that it gets locked into that it just wants to repeat over and over and over again. | ||
| So it sounds to me like what you're doing is developing a healthy relationship with food. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And... | ||
| I had to take a different approach because I was never introduced to food in a healthy way. | ||
| My mom had an eating disorder my whole life until I went to treatment when I was 18. She ended up going to treatment three months after I got out. | ||
| But she was 80 pounds when I was three years old. | ||
| Yeah, when her and my dad went through my divorce, she was very, very little. | ||
| And so that's what my role model of food was. | ||
| That's so small. | ||
| Yeah, and that's why I don't blame the girl that bullied me. | ||
| I think I was destined to probably have some negative food behaviors given what I grew up around. | ||
| But it definitely was the catalyst for me to take on my own behaviors. | ||
| Yeah, growing up with that sort of a thing that your people mirror whether they like it or not their parents behavior. | ||
| Yeah, that's horrible. | ||
| God, 80 pounds is so little. | ||
| She's also a little woman. | ||
| She's 5'2". | ||
| She's super petite, and that's not invalidating what she went through at all, but she is a little firecracker, I call her, because she's this ginger, used to be a Dallas Cowboy cheerleader, just the most upbeat, personable mom you've ever met. | ||
| How is she now with all your trials and tribulations, all the things that you've gone through? | ||
| She's so great. | ||
| We are closer than we've ever been. | ||
| She came over the other night on like Sunday night because I hadn't seen her in a minute. | ||
| That's awesome! | ||
| She came over and like, I remember I went upstairs to go get a massage and in the middle of my massage, which was like an hour later, I hear her, like, finally leaving. | ||
| She, like, stayed and hung out with my cousin and my friend. | ||
| And it was just cute because, like, I wasn't even down there anymore, but she... | ||
| She felt comfortable just hanging out at your house. | ||
| Yeah, she's just so chill. | ||
| She's awesome. | ||
| Well, that's great to hear. | ||
| It's always great to hear when people go through shit with their parents or friends or whatever and then get it back in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get it back together. | ||
| My family is really close today, closer than we've ever been. | ||
| Just because of all we had to go through together. | ||
| We've all dealt with our own demons, but we constantly try to lift each other up. | ||
| And as long as you're trying to do that, then I think you'll be okay. | ||
| Do you know who Gabor Mate is? | ||
| He's a famous you looked at me so I'm gonna say you don't he's a famous addiction specialist pretty brilliant guy I've listened to him talk multiple times and one of the things that he says about addiction is that almost all of it has roots in childhood trauma And I watched your YouTube thing and the thing that struck me the most was, | ||
| well it was a lot, I shouldn't even say the most, but one of the things that struck me pretty hard was your relationship with your dad and that your dad died alone and you don't even know what day he died and they found him. | ||
| And just the relationship that he had with your mom and just you having to grow up with that in your head that this is your dad and that this this person who is abusive to your mom and who died alone and you have this like people want relationships with their parents they want good relationships with their parents everybody does and when you have that like I mean it had to be a big part Just besides all the fame and all the chaos that comes along with that, | ||
| that had to be a big part of it. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| And I think that set me up for relationship issues later down the road. | ||
| It was hard growing up because my mom didn't ever want to like not have me be raised without my father, but at the same time he was so abusive to her that She couldn't be around him. | ||
| And I don't know. | ||
| It was really hard for me because I wanted my birth dad. | ||
| I didn't understand at that young age why my real dad wasn't around. | ||
| But I also knew that my mom didn't have a ring finger for a reason. | ||
| And so... | ||
| And when I asked her why, she didn't mince words. | ||
| I mean, it was my dad that did that. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| So they were fighting one time, and he slammed her hand in a door, and she actually lost her pinky and her ring finger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| But they were able to sew the pinky back on. | ||
| And it's like, that... | ||
| Dichotomy of like wanting your dad but also knowing your mom is missing a finger because of him is like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
| How do you like wrap your... | ||
| You don't really. | ||
| And so there was a lot at a young age that I think I didn't know how to process, didn't know how to comprehend and... | ||
| You know, unfortunately, I had to go through a lot to learn where all these roots have stemmed from. | ||
| But because I've gone through all of that, I've been able to kind of identify the problem and reprogram my narrative into what I believe is true today, not what I believed was true 15, 20 years ago. | ||
| And I have a new life because of it. | ||
| Do you want to have children of your own? | ||
| I used to. | ||
| I think, if anything, I want to adopt more than anything. | ||
| I think... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I used to... | ||
| I was engaged to a man last year. | ||
| Like, I totally thought that I'd be married, maybe pregnant by now. | ||
| And that's not the case. | ||
| So I've just stopped... | ||
| Kind of attaching myself to... | ||
| I know that my life is not going according to my plan, right? | ||
| What's the plan? | ||
| My plan, as a 15-year-old, would have been like, this, this, this, by this age, and this, this. | ||
| You know, just life doesn't go according to any plan. | ||
| So, like, I could sit here and say, like, yes, I would love to have children, but I don't know, because that might change next week. | ||
| I think in this moment I want to adopt, for sure. | ||
| Well, that's a great way to raise a family. | ||
| It's a very rewarding way. | ||
| I also don't know if I'm going to end up with a guy, so I can't really see myself maybe even getting pregnant. | ||
| You mean ever? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You don't know? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm so fluid now. | ||
| And a part of the reason why I am so fluid is because I was like super closeted off. | ||
| You mean like sexually fluid? | ||
| Yeah, sexually fluid. | ||
| You like girls, you like boys? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Anything, really. | ||
| What do they call that? | ||
| Like pansexual or something like that? | ||
| Yeah, pansexual. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| There's a new word for it. | ||
| It used to be bi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Right? | ||
| It used to be she's bi, and now it's like someone's pansexual. | ||
| I heard someone call the LGBTQIA plus community the alphabet mafia, and I was like, that's it. | ||
| That's what I'm going with. | ||
| I'm going with that. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, I'm a part of the alphabet mafia and proud. | ||
| There's a lot of letters in there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you get too many letters and you can't remember them all and you're in it, you might have an issue. | ||
| I'm like, why can't we just say queer, y'all? | ||
| You know? | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| When did you realize you were whatever you want to call it? | ||
| Well, I think that's a loaded question because I saw Cruel Intentions when I was a kid and saw Sarah Michelle Gellar and what's-her-face kiss? | ||
| Selma Blair. | ||
| And was like, oh, I like that. | ||
| But felt a lot of shame because growing up in Texas as a Christian, that's very frowned upon. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so... | ||
| Any attraction that I ever had to a female at a young age, I shut it down before I even let myself process what I was feeling. | ||
| You know, you just... | ||
| Do you think people also have a weird thing about it because they saw you when you were young? | ||
| You were this young girl and this teen star and now they think of you as being whether you're gay or whether you're gender fluid or sexually fluid, whatever you are. | ||
| People are like, no, no, no. | ||
| You're that cute girl from Barney and now you're the... | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I know what I like from you. | ||
| That girl JoJo Siwa is a perfect example. | ||
| I went to a JoJo Siwa concert. | ||
| How was that? | ||
| It was wonderful. | ||
| Good. | ||
| My 10-year-old loved Jojo Siwa. | ||
| Cute. | ||
| So I took her to a concert. | ||
| Cute. | ||
| Fucking ridiculous. | ||
| Best dad ever. | ||
| I got video of me looking at myself. | ||
| I'm looking at her and I'm screaming. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| It was pretty fun. | ||
| But when she came out, I remember there was some discussion amongst moms, like whether or not, you know, is this, are you okay with this? | ||
| Like your daughter's, you know, likes JoJo Siwa, but now she's talking about maybe being gay and like, it's weird that the expectations that people have on folks, like, look, Gay adults used to be gay kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| That's how it works. | ||
| That works, folks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They grow up. | |
| Yeah! | ||
| And sometimes, sometimes they weren't gay kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they just, like, change their mind later in life. | ||
| And that's okay, too. | ||
| And the same thing with straight. | ||
| Like, if you know someone when they're a straight child, but then they're 30 and they like to fuck, is that okay? | ||
| Like, are you okay with that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are y'all okay? | |
| Can I have my sexuality back, please? | ||
| Are they allowed to be an adult human being? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Or do they have to be in this weird box that you've put them in? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, I'm pushing 30. Okay? | ||
| I am no longer a 15-year-old on Disney Channel. | ||
| Please let me live my life. | ||
| Well, you're going to live your life whether they like it or not. | ||
| I'm pretty sure of that. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| But it's got to be strange expectations. | ||
| Do you ever have people, whether it's marketing people or PR people, that try to tell you not to talk about certain things? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| They're all wrong, by the way. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| I think I've always had a hard time working with PR. Because I have such a strong opinion and such strong boundaries that if I feel like a boundary is being crossed in an interview, I don't want to come off as an asshole, but I feel obligated to stand up for myself. | ||
| But PRs don't really like that. | ||
| Publicists want to interject for you. | ||
| So if someone was sitting here and you asked a super inappropriate question, the publicist would be like, Sorry, next question, please. | ||
| And I'm like, that's so much more cringy than like me just shutting shit down. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| And so I... But it's hard because, you know, some of the people that are doing the interviews are writing an article about you in a magazine that you've read for years and years and years. | ||
| So you don't want to be... | ||
| An asshole. | ||
| An asshole. | ||
| And so it's this weird... | ||
| It's this delicate balance of, like, politeness and assertion. | ||
| I think... | ||
| I mean, it's really difficult for a lot of people to do, but I think what... | ||
| stars and athletes even, all kind of performers where people are paying attention to them, what they need to do is take back that narrative and figure out a way to speak for themselves. | ||
| And whether it's through their own podcast or a blog or if they just feel like writing their thoughts or just making videos and putting them up on YouTube about how they really feel about things. | ||
| And it's a great exercise too for them because sometimes you don't know how you really feel about something until you think about it for a long time and express yourself. | ||
| Like you can have like a real quick response to anything, whether it's a current events or something's going on in your own life. | ||
| You might have a quick response that you might think about it 20 minutes later and go, well, I don't think I think about it that way. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| There's more to it. | ||
| There's more to it than that. | ||
| So when someone else is deciding who you are or what you think or how you behave just by virtue of a bunch of weird gotcha questions and they're trying to make some article about you, that's not representative of who you are. | ||
| This kind of conversation. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| This kind of conversation, people are going to listen to this and they're going to go, oh, I Now I get her. | ||
| That's who she is. | ||
| Yeah, because it's really you. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Because it's really you. | ||
| This is what more people need. | ||
| They need less PR people. | ||
| Because you're allowed to be wrong or to make mistakes or to say something where maybe you were a little rude because someone was rude to you. | ||
| That's who you are. | ||
| That's being a person. | ||
| That's better. | ||
| But, and this is, I do this in every... | ||
| The thing is, is like... | ||
| Yes, that's who I am, and that's what I think in that moment. | ||
| But because I do have a platform, and you have a platform too, if we say something, that gets cemented into the internet forever. | ||
| And so if we even thought 20 minutes ago something that we don't agree with 20 minutes later, people hold that belief to our identity as who we are. | ||
| Let them! | ||
| Just say what you really think later. | ||
| As long as you're being genuine. | ||
| As long as you're being authentic. | ||
| Let them obsess over quotes and sound bites. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| I'm getting a lot of heat right now for being so vocal about not being abstinent anymore. | ||
| And having come from a very... | ||
| Abstinence-based recovery. | ||
| I think people have had a problem with that. | ||
| But the thing that I keep going back to is like, at the end of the day... | ||
| My head on my pillow. | ||
| Do I feel good about the choices I'm making? | ||
| And do I stand strong in my beliefs? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Then I'm not going to let what someone in Idaho has to say about what I'm doing today. | ||
| Well, people want absolutes, right? | ||
| Whether it comes to recovery from drugs and alcohol or whether it comes from anything. | ||
| They don't want you to deviate from the path and they want you to always be helpless in the face of your addictions. | ||
| This is the thought process between a lot of the 12-step programs that you're helpless in the face of your addictions. | ||
| I don't know if that's true. | ||
| I have never had a drug or an alcohol addiction. | ||
| I've never had that kind of a compulsion, so I don't know. | ||
| But what I read about you is that you think of yourself now as California sober. | ||
| Please tell me what the fuck California sober is. | ||
| I saw the smile on your face start to form and it just made me so happy. | ||
| Part of my process now is not defining the parameters publicly because I don't feel like it's anybody's business but me and my treatment team. | ||
| It's a term that a lot of people use to identify this Path of moderation with the help of some green plants. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I do. | ||
| And so, green is the key word. | ||
| And that's that. | ||
| Yeah, but it's such a loaded subject that even bringing it up, you have to kind of guard yourself from the way other people are going to perceive what you're doing, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm a celebrity and I guard everything I say. | ||
| Even if I'm speaking my truth, I still have to guard it to some degree because I'm working so hard not to offend anyone. | ||
| So it's like, yes, but every aspect of my life is that way now. | ||
| Now, do you find that this green stuff makes you more relaxed in dealing with the anxieties of life? | ||
| The green stuff is weed. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I assumed. | ||
| Yeah, we'll just call it what it is. | ||
| Yeah, it's something that, you know, it helps. | ||
| And it also is something that you can use for Different things. | ||
| It helped me learn how to meditate at first. | ||
| It was a lot easier to smoke a little bit and then meditate than it was to just go in with the most clear mind. | ||
| It helped me build a relationship with meditation to where I don't need it to meditate anymore. | ||
| There's benefits to it. | ||
| I think there's also just a sense of security in knowing that That even if I'm having a bad night and I turn to that, that's not going to kill me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I've always found that when people think that marijuana is an escape, I mean I guess it can be for some people, but for me it's been the opposite of an escape. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It makes me more aware of things. | ||
| It makes me be able to appreciate the present moment longer. | ||
| Because they say it slows down time. | ||
| And so for me, as someone who deals with... | ||
| I have ADHD. How does it manifest itself when you say you have ADHD? My ADHD manifests in... | ||
| Um, I lose my train of thought really easily, which you've kind of seen once happen already. | ||
| I lose my train of thought. | ||
| I get distracted so easily. | ||
| But I just, I can't focus. | ||
| So say I'm in the studio, like, recording my vocals. | ||
| I get so... | ||
| So caught up in, okay, what am I doing tomorrow? | ||
| What do I need to get done today? | ||
| What's the plan tonight? | ||
| And I'm just thinking. | ||
| I'm future tripping. | ||
| You know, I'm not appreciating the magic of music coming from my body in that moment. | ||
| And that, to me, is like... | ||
| Weed was able to help me slow down and appreciate the instrument that I am. | ||
| And that was a revelation that I had as an artist that I'd never had before because I'd always just thought that my voice comes from me and not really appreciating myself as an instrument. | ||
| And that was cool. | ||
| And it's things like that. | ||
| It's perspective. | ||
| It opens your mind. | ||
| And... | ||
| Yeah, and it doesn't kill you. | ||
| It doesn't kill you. | ||
| The description of you having ADHD to me sounds like you just being a person. | ||
| That's just normal. | ||
| I wonder about those diagnoses. | ||
| So the way that I found out was someone did like a... | ||
| Was it your healer? | ||
| No, it wasn't my healer. | ||
| It was a different healer. | ||
| No, I'm just kidding. | ||
| I went to this place and they did like a brain assessment and they did a brain scan. | ||
| And they also ran a bunch of different tests, behavioral tests, things like that. | ||
| They had me like... | ||
| One of the tests was like... | ||
| They gave me a list of things I had to put in a schedule, like a planner. | ||
| But I had to move things around. | ||
| And it just was like... | ||
| Ugh, it was so overwhelming. | ||
| But just things like that that... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They knew that I was, but I didn't ever really know. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I'm sure I am too, if that's the case. | ||
| If that's the case, I mean, look... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know a lot about it. | ||
| People get bored when they think about other shit. | ||
| I mean, I really think... | ||
| And when you say that you lose your train of thought, we've been talking for fucking two hours. | ||
| Have we really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Everybody loses their train of thought. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's just normal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's normal. | ||
| And also, the pressure... | ||
| I don't take medication for it because I don't think it's bad enough or anything like that. | ||
| Like, if anything... | ||
| Weed kind of is a little bit of a medication for it at times because it helps me. | ||
| I'm able to rehearse longer because I get lost in the flow. | ||
| Did you see that movie Soul? | ||
| No. | ||
| It was that new Pixar movie. | ||
| I didn't see that one yet. | ||
| In a part of the movie they talk about when people lose themselves in music or art or whatever, maybe even flow rolling. | ||
| They go into a different dimension in the movie and that dimension is the ability of just flow. | ||
| We all recognize that, right? | ||
| When you see someone's inflow. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| And so it's when you close your eyes and you're singing. | ||
| You know, it's that stuff. | ||
| And that helped, you know, weed helps me get Into that state when it comes to rehearsals. | ||
| Do you know the band Counting Crows? | ||
| I do. | ||
| Oh my god, Colorblind? | ||
| I love all their shit. | ||
| Mr. Jones. | ||
| There's a music video for Mr. Jones. | ||
| And I remember this because it was like 1993 or whatever it was when that song came out. | ||
| And I was in my apartment in New York. | ||
| And I was... | ||
| On my way to a show, and I was ready to leave. | ||
| It was back in the day when people watched MTV for videos. | ||
| They had music videos. | ||
| And that dude, Adam, is dancing in this video, singing. | ||
| And I'm like, that dude is so free. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Look at the way he's singing there. | ||
| He's not... | ||
| He doesn't have a care in the world. | ||
| He's just in the flow. | ||
| So the video takes place in this apartment where he's singing. | ||
| And I just remember watching it going like, that guy is like, he's not holding anything back. | ||
| He's just completely lost in this song. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| He's killing it. | ||
| Well, it'd be better if we could hear it, but don't pull it off of YouTube or whatever we're on right now. | ||
| Spotify. | ||
| How can Spotify let us play it? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| Isn't that why we escaped YouTube in the first place? | ||
| But that, to me, was always the video that I looked at and been like, that guy's just in the flow, you know? | ||
| And that feeling... | ||
| I guess you'd get there without weed. | ||
| You can. | ||
| You totally can. | ||
| I just found that like... | ||
| Weed gets you there quicker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just a little bit. | ||
| And I just... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's... | ||
| It doesn't hurt you. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| It's like it doesn't hurt your body. | ||
| But I do know people that have gotten addicted to weed. | ||
| Yeah, and that's something to be mindful of, for sure. | ||
| It's not a physical addiction, though. | ||
| It's not an addiction like alcohol or benzos or coke or anything like that. | ||
| It's an impulse. | ||
| It's a psychological addiction. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| I mean, maybe for some people it's a physical addiction, like really, really rare. | ||
| But for most people, there's nothing happens when you get off it. | ||
| There's no withdrawals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that it's something to be mindful of. | ||
| Just like anything new in my life, I have a treatment team that I run things by. | ||
| You run weed by them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What'd they say? | ||
| I went to treatment for a relapse. | ||
| I relapsed in 2019. It was heavy. | ||
| And it was a heavy one. | ||
| Explain to everybody what you went through. | ||
| It sounds normal, but you almost died. | ||
| So, I overdosed on heroin and crack that was, well the heroin was laced with fentanyl. | ||
| And I OD'd in 2018. And that experience was a near-death experience for me. | ||
| The doctors told me I had five to ten minutes before it was too late. | ||
| When they found me, I was blue. | ||
| There was blood. | ||
| I had three strokes, a heart attack, and multiple organ failure. | ||
| And I still have brain damage from it. | ||
| What kind of brain damage? | ||
| So I have blind spots in my vision and I also had hearing loss from everything. | ||
| The blind spots are like, I don't drive. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Unless I was on like an open dirt road and I could just like... | ||
| I just don't want to put other people at risk on the roads. | ||
| So normally you see everything? | ||
| Like you see everything in front of you right now? | ||
| No. | ||
| So even like your face. | ||
| I see your eyeballs. | ||
| When I'm looking at your eyes, I see your eyes, but I don't see your nose, your mouth, or even your microphone. | ||
| What do you see? | ||
| This part? | ||
| It looks like I looked at the sun. | ||
| You know when you're a kid and you look at the sun because someone told you not to because I'm that kid? | ||
| Yeah, it's like that. | ||
| When you look at the sun or even like a camera flash and it kind of goes like greenish-bluish. | ||
| It's not black, but you can't see. | ||
| And it's just like a blind spot that takes over kind of like everybody's bottom half of their face. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| But could you focus on someone's bottom half of their face? | ||
| If they were smiling, could you look down at their teeth? | ||
| I have to look down at people's mouths when they talk. | ||
| So you only see like a stripe, like a strip of their face. | ||
| Yeah, literally just exactly where you put it. | ||
| I could see the top of your fingers but not your hand. | ||
| And so, for the first few months, like, I couldn't read out of a book. | ||
| I was so hard to, like, tweezing my eyebrows. | ||
| Couldn't do that at first. | ||
| How do you live? | ||
| How do you live? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| My brows are extremely important to me, so that was a huge thing. | ||
| Fabulous. | ||
| Thank you so much. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You're doing a great job, whatever you can see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Uh, whatever you can see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a savage. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| But yeah, so there was things that... | ||
| And I had to ask opinions on my outfit. | ||
| I couldn't see what shoes went with my outfit. | ||
| Is this getting any better? | ||
| No, so it plateaued after six months. | ||
| Whatever it would be after six months after the overdose would be what it'll be for the rest of my life. | ||
| And this is from the stroke? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Have you looked into, there's some therapies that they're doing with people with neurological damage where they're using IV stem cells. | ||
| IV stem cells are doing it in Panama and in Colombia and a few other places where they can't, they're doing some shit they can't really do in the United States. | ||
| No, but I will definitely look into that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would love to connect you to this guy named Dr. Neil Reardon. | ||
| I've had him on my podcast before. | ||
| He's actually in Dallas. | ||
| And he came on with Mel Gibson because Mel Gibson's dad, when his dad was in his 90s, he was in a wheelchair. | ||
| When he was 100, he was walking around. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, all from stem cells. | ||
| He would send them down to Panama to get all these stem cell treatments. | ||
| And, you know, his thought is like, there's thoughts where people are like, hey, you know, you don't really know what's the negative repercussions. | ||
| They're like, okay, listen. | ||
| When you're 94 years old, there's no fucking negatives. | ||
| Let's just get real here. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| And meanwhile, Mel Gibson was telling me, I wouldn't give this up, but he was telling me that when he was 100, he had boners. | ||
| So his dad would have a boner and he'd be walking around at 100 years old. | ||
| And he's like, it's the craziest shit he's ever seen in his life. | ||
| The guy was in a wheelchair. | ||
| His hips were all fucked up and he was in pain all the time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I sent my mom there. | ||
| My mom was on the verge of a knee replacement. | ||
| She had fucked her knee up. | ||
| And she went there and six months later her pain went away. | ||
| It took about six months for it to really generate enough healing. | ||
| And then I sent her back again for a second one. | ||
| And they could do things with stem cells that you really... | ||
| And this is a... | ||
| Dr. Neil Reardon is like a legitimate doctor. | ||
| He's got peer-reviewed research. | ||
| He's got books. | ||
| He's written on this stuff. | ||
| They've had some great success with certain neurological conditions that people have had by using and utilizing IV stem cell treatments. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder if that could help you. | ||
| I like kind of feel like I want to cry right now because like I didn't think there was there might listen there's always new things coming down the horizon you know I just literally like had such radical acceptance over the fact that this is that's it forever yeah that I was just kind of like okay and like I'm gonna keep fighting well more power to you that you're able to do that you it might really be what you see for the rest of your life this might be it but yeah who knows But who knows? | ||
| I never thought that there would be a possibility of anything else. | ||
| They can do some wild shit now. | ||
| They really can. | ||
| They can do some wild shit. | ||
| They're helping people with some serious spinal cord injuries. | ||
| They use umbilical cord cells. | ||
| When women have babies, they get C-sections, and they take their umbilical cord, and they make stem cells out of it. | ||
| Obviously, I'm not a scientist, so I'm butchering how they do it. | ||
| But it's pretty radical stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That is really, really cool. | ||
| I've heard of people... | ||
| I've had a couple friends that have gotten injured, and they get the... | ||
| Stem cells? | ||
| Stem cells. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I've done that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why I'm so interested in it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because it's healed injuries that I had that were really fucked up injuries. | ||
| Like I had a full length rotator cuff tear in my shoulder. | ||
| It's gone. | ||
| Disappeared. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Six months later, I got another MRI. It doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| And that's because of stem cells. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| The closest thing I've done with stem cells is there's a woman named Barbara Sturm and she has her own skincare line. | ||
| And she takes your blood and then she uses your blood and puts it in the moisturizer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And the stem cells like heal your skin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does it work? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But I haven't... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was before COVID. Women do some wild shit for their skin. | |
| Yeah, that is true. | ||
| They do that thing where they run that needle all over their face. | ||
| Oh, microblading. | ||
| Yes, I've done that too. | ||
| It's not painful, but it's weird. | ||
| It looks crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it looks crazy. | ||
| It looks like you got attacked by little bats. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Little tiny bats. | ||
| Your whole face has been bitten up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So this experience that you had, you had a heart attack, you had strokes, you have this vision issue that's going to exist for the rest of your life. | ||
| So I'm sure everyone around you then was like, hey, you got to stay the fuck away from all drugs forever. | ||
| Like, this is it. | ||
| Like, we almost lost you. | ||
| This could be it for your life. | ||
| So how do you ease into weed from there? | ||
| So it took a lot of time. | ||
| What was the impetus? | ||
| What led you to do it? | ||
| What led me to do it, actually, was I got into recovery from my bulimia. | ||
| And I thought, alright, this is an addiction I've had since I was 12. How is it that... | ||
| Everything started at 12 for me. | ||
| I was like, how is it that I finally found... | ||
| Recovery from this, but yet I'm still struggling with substances. | ||
| I thought, well, what am I doing with food that's different? | ||
| And I wasn't looking at it from a dogmatic approach, this all-or-nothing mentality. | ||
| You know, I was eating Taco Bell and letting myself keep it down and not throwing it up anymore. | ||
| And that, to me, was a new... | ||
| The normal person doesn't know that... | ||
| Of course, that's what you do with Taco Bell. | ||
| You let it sit. | ||
| This was a new fucking idea for me. | ||
| My mind was blown. | ||
| You would go on a bender, eat Taco Bell, and then just like, okay, out of the pool, boys. | ||
| Pretty much. | ||
| Every time you ate something terrible like that, you knew that you were going to throw it up. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And... | ||
| So after I had relapsed in 2019 on the hard stuff, I went back to the treatment center I'd gone to right after treatment. | ||
| And I just said to them, I was like, I think I need to allow myself the ability to really try this middle path. | ||
| And not like before when I said I was on a middle path, but really was like going, was like really trying to party. | ||
| Like, I mean, like, if I want to smoke, then I'll let myself smoke. | ||
| And I just... | ||
| I kind of came to terms with... | ||
| I kind of came up with that and talked it through with my treatment team back home and let everyone know, like, hey, this is... | ||
| I have to own my truth. | ||
| And my treatment team said, okay, like, we'll support you and stand by you. | ||
| What do you need from us that will help? | ||
| And it was at that point that, like, I started getting this thing called the Vivitrol shot, which is... | ||
| A shot that blocks all the opiate receptors in your brain. | ||
| Honestly, even if I were to get in a bad injury and go to the hospital, I couldn't even get opiates in a hospital because my body will reject them so much it goes into withdrawals immediately. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But why do you need that? | ||
| So it also helps with bulimia because what people don't realize about bulimia is that it helps... | ||
| When you throw up, your opiate receptors go off in your brain. | ||
| So sometimes people actually get addicted to the high you get after throwing up rather than... | ||
| Like, people think that it's, like, there's actually a physical component in your brain that people get addicted to. | ||
| And that's why people become addicted to the feeling, that euphoria after you... | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| I thought it just... | ||
| You always felt... | ||
| Every time I've thrown up, I felt terrible. | ||
| I never would have imagined that there's a... | ||
| I guess because you're sick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think, like, if you're not sick, maybe you don't feel terrible. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| I don't know, but... | ||
| Now I'm thinking of trying it. | ||
| No! | ||
| No! | ||
| Oh, my God! | ||
| No, no, no! | ||
| I'm kidding. | ||
| Listen, I'll never be bulimic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I fucking... | |
| I eat like a pig. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And... | |
| That's okay. | ||
| It's okay to eat like a pig? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Yeah, if that's what makes you happy, then like own your truth and live it, you know? | ||
| So I'm still curious as to like what about weed made you want to even introduce it into your life after working so hard to be sober and having this horrible experience with overdosing? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I dealt... | ||
| I often say, and this is really hard for people to hear sometimes, but I think that drugs saved my life at times because had I not had something to medicate with, I wouldn't be here. | ||
| I would have taken my life by now. | ||
| I've dealt with suicidal ideation since I was seven years old. | ||
| And... | ||
| That's just something that's always been a part of my journey. | ||
| I don't know why, but depression, I've had a journey with that. | ||
| There was a period of time where I thought to myself, I'm so miserable. | ||
| I'm still sober. | ||
| Now I'm sober again. | ||
| This is after the overdose. | ||
| I'm so sober and still so unhappy. | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| And I got to this place where I kept thinking, If I pick up, you know, that term, I had been told so many times by people in recovery or treatment team, whatever, not this treatment team, but a different one, that if I picked up that I would die. | ||
| And I thought to myself, what kind of life... | ||
| Am I living if I'm miserable 24-7? | ||
| And if I feel like the bottom is going to drop out, I'm going to die. | ||
| Like, that's not really a life to live. | ||
| And so I thought, what if there's some sort of relief in between that's not going to kill me, that's not, I don't know, super dangerous? | ||
| You know, what is it? | ||
| And I thought, well, I live in California. | ||
| You know, why not a little weed? | ||
| And so I tried it and it wasn't so bad and I began to appreciate what it could do for me. | ||
| It stopped me from going to the other things. | ||
| A lot of people say that weed is a gateway drug, but what people don't know is that it can also be a drug that can provide a little bit of relief for people who feel like when they get that low, they're either going to pick up something really dark, really heavy, or Something more ominous. | ||
| Yeah, I don't buy that gateway shit. | ||
| I don't either. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| I don't buy it with anything. | ||
| Also, I hate even calling weed a drug because it's a sacred plant. | ||
| Like, it's sacred medicine. | ||
| And so... | ||
| Talking like a healer. | ||
| I am. | ||
| I am. | ||
| But it is. | ||
| It's under the category of secret plant medicine. | ||
| There's definitely some magical properties to it. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I think there's a lot about it that the plant has suffered from decades and decades of propaganda, almost 100 years worth. | ||
| It was made illegal in the 1930s. | ||
| Oh yeah, by Harry Ann Slinger. | ||
| And William Randolph Hearst. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Harry Anslinger was before the 80s, but... | ||
| Yeah, it just was... | ||
| I think that people are... | ||
| The only people that object to it are people that don't know what it's like. | ||
| I think some people have had a hard time with it themselves, and they object to it. | ||
| And that's true, too. | ||
| And that's their truth. | ||
| And so I want to respect their truth. | ||
| I love how kids say that these days. | ||
| Live your truth. | ||
| Live your truth. | ||
| That's your truth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is! | |
| And it's so important because it's like, I can respect their journey by saying... | ||
| And Elton John is in my documentary. | ||
| He says, moderation does not work, plain or simple. | ||
| Plain and simple. | ||
| I can respect that because for Elton, that is his truth. | ||
| For me... | ||
| I think Elton was doing some hard shit though, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| But when my director of my documentary told him while he was filming, like, hey, you know, she's not 100% sober anymore. | ||
| And he said, moderation does not work. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| And it's like, I can respect that for him because it didn't work. | ||
| Did the director tell him specifically what you're not sober with? | ||
| She smokes a little weed? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe Elton would have gone, huh? | ||
| Yeah, I don't... | ||
| I actually don't... | ||
| I wasn't... | ||
| I don't know of the specifics of that conversation, but... | ||
| How long has this been going on, the weed thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Um... | |
| Going on three years. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's... | ||
| So you really weren't sober, sober. | ||
| No, going on two years. | ||
| Going on two years, I'm sorry. | ||
| So you weren't sober, sober for that long. | ||
| After the overdose, how much time? | ||
| After the overdose, I stayed clean for like 10 months. | ||
| 9, 10 months. | ||
| But you were still miserable. | ||
| My depression was... | ||
| When I say I've never been in a more dark place than that, I would have to... | ||
| It was dark. | ||
| It was really bad. | ||
| And I didn't know if I was going to survive that. | ||
| And do you feel better now? | ||
| I do. | ||
| Is this like the best you've ever been? | ||
| Like your best state? | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Like if you can say whenever you are at right now, like wherever you are in life, if you can say, I'm doing better than I've ever done before. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| That means all the bullshit that you've gone through, you've kind of like figured your path. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I've never felt more sure of... | ||
| Who I am or even what I want out of life because my whole growing up as a kid, I thought my life was music. | ||
| I thought my life was success was all of this that I worked so hard for my whole childhood. | ||
| And when I the way that my even my treatment team has changed my case manager today, like came into my life and kind of reshaped my whole thinking. | ||
| I remember I sat down with him, and he talks about this in my documentary, like, I sat down with him, his name is Charles, and he was like, what's wrong? | ||
| And I was like, I don't want to be here. | ||
| He's like, why are you here? | ||
| And I was like, because people want me to be. | ||
| And he goes, who's paying for it? | ||
| And I said, me. | ||
| And he goes, You can leave. | ||
| And I was like, really? | ||
| And it was like hearing somebody in the treatment world say to me, like, you're in control. | ||
| Was a concept I never knew before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So it might seem to the... | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I never had autonomy until these last two years, really. | ||
| Because... | ||
| I always ran things by other people or just listened to other people without objecting. | ||
| That sounds depressing in and of itself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when you quiet your own voice for so long, it's going to overflow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you're always running things by people, another thing that's happening when you're doing that is you're trying to find out what you should and shouldn't do in terms of how other people feel like you should behave. | ||
| Other people feel like what's going to be best for your career, what's going to be best for your image. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And you start thinking like that. | ||
| It's very constricting and you compromise yourself. | ||
| And you make yourself way less interesting. | ||
| Whoever you really are never gets to grow because you're always stifling it and you're always squashing it and you're trying to fit it into this box. | ||
| And the box that you're fitting into is the box that exists in a million different forms already. | ||
| You're not even necessary, right? | ||
| There's a million other pop stars that will say the same shit that you're going to say if you run it through your publicist, right? | ||
| Because your publicist just wants you to say things to keep getting them a paycheck. | ||
| That's what they want to do. | ||
| They want to keep you popular. | ||
| They want to protect your career, keep you popular. | ||
| And what's the best way to do it? | ||
| Don't say anything crazy. | ||
| Don't say anything controversial. | ||
| And that's why I think to myself, like, how much would my life look different had I gotten the help that I needed when I asked for it? | ||
| When I went to people and said, hey, I'm really bulimic right now. | ||
| I need some help. | ||
| Maybe I wouldn't have ended up overdosing because I felt like... | ||
| Well, there was a point where I thought to myself, they're not listening to me. | ||
| I'm asking for help, and I just felt like, I don't know, I just felt like maybe things would be different. | ||
| Do you think that sometimes help for a person like you means they have to kind of step in and tell you what to do, and they don't want to, and they're scared of you? | ||
| Because you're the boss. | ||
| Because you're the one who makes all the money, you're the star, you're the one who goes on stage in front of all these people. | ||
| So when you say, I need help, they're like, just fucking keep her moving. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| To really step in and intervene in someone's addiction and problems and whatever they're going through in their life, whether it's bulimia or whatever, you've got to put your foot down and you've got to tell them this is what we're going to do. | ||
| A lot of people probably don't want to put themselves into that position with you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, I think that was the case, or that would be the case now because I make my own decisions. | ||
| But I think when I asked for help at the time, I wasn't in control of the amount of calories I was eating in a day. | ||
| So, like, when I say that, like, my calories from... | ||
| If I ate Halo Top ice cream the night before, they would be... | ||
| What's Halo Top ice cream? | ||
| It's, like, diet ice cream. | ||
| Yes, that, like, only... | ||
| The only reason why it's low calorie is because they put so much air in it that you think you're eating a pint of ice cream, but you're only eating like this much. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I looked into it because I was like, it can't be diet because it is really good. | ||
| Let it melt and then eat what's left. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| So I think that like at some point, yes, but I think at some point in the future, like people might think that because I'm making my own choices, but it hasn't. | ||
| I have never consistently made my own choices for a solid amount of time. | ||
| And so now I feel like I have a... | ||
| Now I feel like the boss. | ||
| Because I'm making the decisions. | ||
| Now I'm like, no, I want to do this TV show. | ||
| Or I want to put out this album and I want to do this. | ||
| I don't want to go on tour yet. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Just making choices for my wellness that are more important than my career. | ||
| Another thing that's going to be really important is surround yourself with strong people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Strong people that are doing similar things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Like, they're also kicking ass. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So that you realize, like, this is the atmosphere that you thrive in. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then you feed off of these people instead of them looking to you for strength or them looking to you for the worst. | ||
| Isn't it looking to you for finances? | ||
| Like, if they need you financially. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That doesn't really, like... | ||
| Doesn't work. | ||
| No, it doesn't work. | ||
| And I think knowing ahead of time that that was not ever going to work with personal relationships, like, I didn't ever really open myself up so that people could come to me and ask me for money. | ||
| Like, if it's family, of course. | ||
| If it's, like, Close, close, close, close, close friends. | ||
| That's maybe a different situation. | ||
| But even at that, it's weird. | ||
| The other problem is not just that they come to you for money, but that they work for you. | ||
| So they rely on you financially. | ||
| And these people wind up being a part of your circle. | ||
| And you get a limited version of who they really are. | ||
| Which is true. | ||
| And I see that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know what's going on at all times, even when my team doesn't think that I see what's going on. | ||
| I'm sure you do. | ||
| And so I have my eye on everything and everyone, and so I feel like the boss now, which is good. | ||
| But what I'm getting at is that you need other tanks to go to war. | ||
| And I started surrounding myself. | ||
| I realized the relationships with other women is so important. | ||
| I was the type of person that kind of always rushed into a relationship or was always in a relationship. | ||
| And now I'm single and I rely on my friends to self-regulate as opposed to a partner. | ||
| Actually, I rely on myself to self-regulate. | ||
| But when I need support, I go to my friends who are also – some of which are on the same journey as me. | ||
| And that's been really helpful to have close friends that can hold each other accountable. | ||
| Like, hey, we're on this middle path together. | ||
| Like, we're not – We're not going to smoke a lot, like too much weed. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Let's not get obliterated. | ||
| Yeah, like let's... | ||
| But also be gentle with ourselves and have compassion for the journey that we're on because there isn't really... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I feel like I haven't really... | ||
| I guess Smart Recovery is a program that works with moderation, but it's not as... | ||
| There's not much of a manual, I guess, for this middle path. | ||
| It's just not a manual for anything you do in life that's difficult to navigate, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's why if you're navigating from your truth, you'll always... | ||
| Feel certain. | ||
| Even if you're not right, you'll feel sure about it. | ||
| Has there ever been a time where you are smoking weed after your recovery from this horrible overdose where you're like, why am I doing this? | ||
| Maybe I shouldn't even be smoking weed. | ||
| Maybe I should just be sober. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| There's been times where I've thought, yeah, I should be 100% sober, but when I ask myself what is the reasoning behind that, It's not realistic for me to look at my life and think for the rest of my life I'm never going to ingest some substance. | ||
| Whether it's at the dentist getting work done or You know, like, it's just not... | ||
| I don't know what's gonna happen in my life. | ||
| And I once had somebody tell me, like, at my first time in rehab, like, they were like, I always turn down pain medication. | ||
| And I was asking them a question. | ||
| I was like, so you mean to tell me, like, if your arm got chopped off and you're in the hospital and you're turning down pain medication? | ||
| She was like, yep. | ||
| And I was like, I just don't believe that. | ||
| Like, my pain tolerance isn't that high. | ||
| If my arm's getting cut off, I'm gonna need something. | ||
| So it's just this kind of ideal of perfection I don't subscribe with because perfection has never worked for me before. | ||
| And in fact, perfection has always been my demise. | ||
| It's been my downfall because I've strived to be so perfect at things that when I'm not, it becomes destructive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's a real problem with artists because you're trying to put something out and the way to get something really good is you have to be self-critical and because of that it can kind of get away from you and then nothing's good enough and then you know you're striving for perfection you can never achieve it no matter what you're unhappy and people get in these crazy mental loops when it comes to creating things and it can be very self-destructive it's hard to get out I think it's self-destructive when that's the | ||
| most important thing in your life. | ||
| When that is all that you put your purpose and meaning of life into is your music, of course you're going to obsess over that. | ||
| But I have other outlets now. | ||
| I have things that I love to do like going on hikes and meditating with my friends or going to the beach. | ||
| Just like having a social life. | ||
| I no longer worry about my status on the charts because I know at the end of the day... | ||
| Me being with my friends is what makes me happy. | ||
| Not a placement on a chart. | ||
| Because you take my friends away, you take my family away, and I'm still on top of the charts. | ||
| That's not going to fulfill me. | ||
| That's not going to make me happy. | ||
| You'd be even more lonely. | ||
| And I think that's a common belief that a lot of child stars have is that When you attach your purpose to your career at such a young age, you don't know any different when you get older. | ||
| And then it stops fulfilling you and you're like, why isn't it working? | ||
| So you start filling it up with other things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's where I got into trouble. | ||
| Now I fill it up with things that are beneficial for me. | ||
| I fill it up with meditation. | ||
| I fill it up with healthy exercise. | ||
| Even if it's just going on my trampoline in my backyard. | ||
| Trampolines are great. | ||
| They're so fun! | ||
| They're so underrated! | ||
| And they're such a great workout. | ||
| And anyways, even if it's just like 15 minutes. | ||
| It's really good for you. | ||
| Yeah, just like jumping, listening to my favorite music. | ||
| That is something that I use to fill up my time. | ||
| Well, it sounds like you're enjoying it. | ||
| I am. | ||
| That's what's most important. | ||
| You obviously have put so much thought into how to live your life in the best way that works for you. | ||
| And you're figuring it out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is great. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| We're all constantly figuring it out. | ||
| Hopefully. | ||
| If we're not, we're falling apart. | ||
| One or the other. | ||
| But it seems like you're consciously moving in the direction of improving your life and figuring it out. | ||
| When you're doing that, when you're constantly moving in the direction of figuring it out and trial and error, but always moving towards living a better life, living a more fulfilled life, then you're on the right path. | ||
| For sure, right? | ||
| One could say that I'm manifesting a better future. | ||
| Without any voodoo, maybe. | ||
| You're working hard at it. | ||
| Come on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right, all right. | |
| I just wanted to see what we could get away with. | ||
| Well, I mean, look, it's a part of it for sure, is that you want, you know, you have a vision of being happy and fulfilled. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| But it's harder for you. | ||
| It's going to be harder for you. | ||
| It's going to be harder for you because you're famous. | ||
| It's going to be harder for you because you grew up famous. | ||
| It's going to be harder for you because, you know, of all the different shit that you've gone through. | ||
| You've got a path that, like... | ||
| Another person that doesn't like a man is never going to understand that path. | ||
| I mean, I can try. | ||
| You can tell me. | ||
| I can put myself in your shoes and try to figure it out. | ||
| But the only thing that you and I have in common is we both like girls. | ||
| We both like girls in MMA. And weed. | ||
| And jujitsu and weed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you know what I'm saying? | |
| Wait, you sound like a good time. | ||
| What are you doing later? | ||
| But other than that, it's like, no one's going to really under... | ||
| And that's the other thing I was going to get to with you. | ||
| Do you have famous friends? | ||
| I have a few. | ||
| Do you find yourself like... | ||
| I used to never understand that when I was younger. | ||
| I was like, why are famous people always hanging out together? | ||
| And then I'm like, oh, they don't fucking know anybody that understands them, that gets their life. | ||
| I would say my closest friends aren't famous. | ||
| Like, I would say... | ||
| I have a few close friends that are famous. | ||
| I think the closest friend that I have in the industry is Ariana Grande. | ||
| She's someone that has been so fucking supportive time after time after time again. | ||
| And I... She's someone I can go to. | ||
| She's someone in the industry that when I need an industry friend, she'll be there for me. | ||
| And she's also a giant, huge star, too. | ||
| She's a very big pop star, and so we don't get to see each other a lot. | ||
| And I think that's what kind of keeps me from hanging out with other celebrities. | ||
| Our schedules never align. | ||
| Like, genuinely, that's kind of the only reason why I don't have... | ||
| No, okay, okay. | ||
| A lot of people... | ||
| I don't... | ||
| I just also love, like, non-celebrities. | ||
| Like, sometimes more than celebrities. | ||
| Because, like I said, when I came home that day, my friend was like, you did rock star shit all day? | ||
| You want to do some normal shit? | ||
| And I'm like, hell fucking yeah! | ||
| And that's what gets me excited. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Me and her jamming on the guitar and drums. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Just watching Netflix or jumping on my trampoline. | ||
| Normal people shit. | ||
| Normal people shit. | ||
| I'm a homebody that really thrives being at home with friends. | ||
| Well, especially when you, in contrast to being on stage in front of 18,000 people. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| The last thing I want to do is, like, go be around a ton of people. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I do that every day! | ||
| Yeah, right, right, right. | ||
| Or go to a red carpet and get photographed. | ||
| I just hate red carpets, period. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| They're weird! | ||
| Why is your carpet red? | ||
| The carpet's never red, by the way. | ||
| Maybe once in a while it's red, but you go to like the Teen Choice Awards, it's like purple, fucking people's choices. | ||
| Does it bother you that it's not red? | ||
| It always bothered me because I've only stepped on an actual red carpet, like maybe twice, and then all the rest of the times it was an actual red carpet, it like didn't meet the stature of the event. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's a phrase too, right? | ||
| Like the red carpet. | ||
| Well, a lot of people call it step and repeat. | ||
| Oh, is that what they call it? | ||
| That's another term. | ||
| Because you have to step and then over here, over here, Demi, over here, over here, over here, over here. | ||
| Pick your nose! | ||
| They're always yelling at you to do something. | ||
| Over the shoulder, blow a kiss. | ||
| Try to get you to look at them, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pick your nose. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's odd, right? | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And also, like... | ||
| I'm never probably looking at their camera. | ||
| There's so many cameras. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| How do they know? | ||
| They got to go through like 500 shots in five minutes and find which one I'm looking at their camera. | ||
| Or they just go in Photoshop and move your eyeball left and right. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| Wow, you're totally right. | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| Those dirty fucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| They do all kinds of weird shit with people. | ||
| Yeah, and they'll fuck with you, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's a strange world you live in, kid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, but you're navigating it well. | ||
| You really are, regardless of what anybody says. | ||
| Don't listen to them. | ||
| Look, you're here, like I said. | ||
| You're a rock-solid human being right here in the moment. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's all you can ask for. | ||
| I feel present. | ||
| I feel grounded. | ||
| I know I got a lot of work to do, just like any other human on this planet. | ||
| But, like, I'm excited for the challenge, you know? | ||
| What is it like having this YouTube original documentary out where it's just so much of your life and your pain and so, I mean, it's so personal. | ||
| And yet you're like, everybody, look at my life. | ||
| Here's my family. | ||
| Here's all the shit I went through. | ||
| You know, this is me when I was little. | ||
| Like, what is that like? | ||
| It's like reading your diary to the world. | ||
| But I like to call myself an open book with boundaries. | ||
| I share a lot in the doc, but I don't share every single thing. | ||
| There are things that I left out that's just not beneficial for other people to know. | ||
| I told the things that hold me accountable and that I think will help other people. | ||
| But yeah, I keep some stuff to myself. | ||
| I just think that... | ||
| What was your question? | ||
| I said, what is it like to have this documentary out that shows so much of your life to the world? | ||
| Well, technically I answered it. | ||
| Maybe you do have ADHD. That's what I'm saying. | ||
| I was like, technically, technically I answered it because I said it like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did answer it. | |
| You did answer it. | ||
| You answered it perfectly. | ||
| It's like reading your diary to the whole world with video and photos. | ||
| And it was stressful. | ||
| Why did you decide to do it? | ||
| Because of how cathartic it is. | ||
| That's why people write in their diaries. | ||
| There's something also... | ||
| I've never really known anything different. | ||
| Like, I've always been an open book to the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So... | |
| shutting the door on telling my story didn't feel authentic to me anymore. | ||
| Maybe because I had never done that before and it may have been a healthier decision. | ||
| I just also think there's something really healthy in speaking your truth and putting your truth out there. | ||
| And for someone like me, who's always tried to please other people by being what they want me to be, whether it was a sexy pop star and a leotard or engaged to a dude, I had to speak my truth and tell the world hey, my truth isn't going to be what you want it to be. | ||
| I'm chopping my hair off because it feels right to me. | ||
| A lot of my fans want me to have long hair. | ||
| They love the long hair. | ||
| How do they feel about the double unicorns on your shirt? | ||
| They haven't seen them yet. | ||
| Only you have. | ||
| But we'll find out. | ||
| And I'm eager to know. | ||
| It's hilarious of people who have expectations about your looks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Like how you should wear your hair. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But that's being a pop star. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so this was my way of saying, hey, y'all all wrote like really false stories when this happened. | ||
| So first off, I'm going to clear the air. | ||
| I'm going to tell you what really happened. | ||
| Secondly, I'm going to show you that I'm done living other people's truths. | ||
| And third, I'm here to tell you that I'm going to live mine no matter what you think of it. | ||
| Because it feels right to me. | ||
| And I... This is the first time in my life where I felt right and grounded and centered in this way. | ||
| So no matter how many people tell me, complete abstinence is the way to go. | ||
| Or... | ||
| We want your long hair. | ||
| Or, you gotta be with a guy. | ||
| Like, no matter what you guys tell me, I'm gonna do what feels right to me. | ||
| And if that means growing my hair out at some point, fine. | ||
| If that means being with a dude at some point, fine. | ||
| If that means being completely sober one day, fine. | ||
| But in this moment, I'm living my truth for me and not for anyone else. | ||
| And that's something that I think every celebrity in the public eye deserves to feel because Or at least child stars. | ||
| When you grow up being told what to become by publicists, by agents, by managers, you don't really find autonomy in decision making in your life. | ||
| For you. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Really, you're a powerful person. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| I love hearing it. | ||
| I love hearing how healthy you're approaching this and the way you're thinking about all this. | ||
| I think it's very empowering and kudos to you, kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Awesome. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| I'm impressed. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| And I really enjoyed this. | ||
| I really enjoyed talking to you. | ||
| I fucking enjoyed this and you're dope and you're hilarious and we like the same stuff so we're friends. | ||
| We're friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Alright, thank you. | ||
| Bye everybody. |
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