March 25, 2021 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:50:13
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. | ||
| Douglas. | ||
| I am fucking nervous. | ||
| Why? | ||
| For real? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why? | ||
| No, it's a good thing. | ||
| I haven't left my fucking house in a year. | ||
| You've been totally locked up. | ||
| Well, I mean, I go to the grocery store. | ||
| How did you avoid getting it? | ||
| You didn't get it at all, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| The cooties? | ||
| No. | ||
| Because everyone I know is a shut-in, too. | ||
| And I fucking loved it. | ||
| I left a day after my year anniversary. | ||
| I packed a week before coming here. | ||
| So all you've done is go to the food store? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Wow. | ||
| I went up to Phoenix for New Year's to see... | ||
| It's a long story. | ||
| To see a dog that I almost kept... | ||
| But I gave away. | ||
| Anyway, so yes, basically, no, I have not left fucking Bisbee, Arizona in a year. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I didn't think it affected me until I left. | ||
| It's like if you stayed in bed for a year going, I don't need to walk. | ||
| I know how to walk. | ||
| And then after a year, you're like, fuck my legs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What feels the weirdest? | ||
| Just figuring out how to pack for the road. | ||
| I packed everything. | ||
| I drove, and I left Sunday to be here Wednesday. | ||
| It's a 13-hour drive. | ||
| I could have done it in one shot. | ||
| But I was so excited. | ||
| I'm going to leave on Sunday and just take the back roads. | ||
| I practiced talking on the phone before I came here. | ||
| An hour and a half before. | ||
| I'm just calling people. | ||
| I don't talk to anyone on the phone. | ||
| The only time I use the phone is to figure out where to meet you to talk. | ||
| I don't socialize on the phone. | ||
| You and I talk maybe twice a year tops. | ||
| And when I see it's you, I go, do I have an hour? | ||
| Okay, I'll make an hour because we don't... | ||
| But otherwise... | ||
| So I was like, I haven't talked to people other than, do you have a room available? | ||
| For three days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Three and a half days. | ||
| So I was calling, you know, Bingo and Brian Hennigan going, just talk to me. | ||
| You know, I packed what I thought was a carload of shit. | ||
| I forgot vodka, which is my go-to drink, and a shirt. | ||
| I only had the t-shirt that I was wearing that after three days started to stink and I went, fuck, I didn't pack another shirt. | ||
| Did you go shirt shopping then? | ||
| Yeah, I went to the thrift store. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Thrift store? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You notice I'm fucking, I didn't, like I brought two different suits, like goofy suits. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I'm like, I've been wearing pajamas for a year. | ||
| I think I would be even more awkward if I was wearing a suit, especially with stupid hair. | ||
| When did the goofy suits become a thing with you? | ||
| Like what year? | ||
| Do you think that? | ||
| 1989, it started in telemarketing because my mother would send me goofy suits like that because they had just gone out of style like in that earlier, that decade. | ||
| So they're, you know, fucking, it's like buying acid wash jeans now. | ||
| They're a fucking nickel a pair at the thrift store. | ||
| I think Jamie has a few pairs. | ||
| Do you have any of those? | ||
| Acid wash sweatpants. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's right. | ||
| Sweatpants. | ||
| Yeah, but that's your signature shit now. | ||
| The goofy suit. | ||
| Yeah, and I go, I don't think I'm ready to put on a goofy suit. | ||
| I don't know if it would clash with the goofy hair. | ||
| Because people will show up at my shows in goofy suits, but they'll have plaid on plaid, and you go, no, that doesn't work. | ||
| I accessorize perfectly in a goofy suit, but I go, I have the goofy hair now. | ||
| Is that like polka dots on plaid? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Right, have you gone too far? | ||
| Yeah, I want to be comfortable here, so I'm wearing pajamas like I have for the last year. | ||
| Why don't you just wear pajamas? | ||
| That's what I'm wearing. | ||
| Pajama pants. | ||
| Are those pajama pants? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| And this was my old travel shirt. | ||
| I wore this any time I traveled. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, I want to be comfortable. | ||
| I don't want to... | ||
| You've stayed within your means very well. | ||
| Look, you've never had to worry about finances. | ||
| You dialed that in early. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You never fell into the trap a lot of people do. | ||
| Whether they buy a bigger house or buy a bigger car or this or that. | ||
| My shit's paid for. | ||
| After a year of not working, I go, ooh, I always bragged about how much fucking I don't need to work. | ||
| And then I go, alright, now I'm starting to worry. | ||
| Should I buy this dumb plastic shit from Amazon or not? | ||
| When do you think you're going to start working again? | ||
| Are you going to get the vaccine? | ||
| I got my first shot. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| The Pfizer or the Moderna? | ||
| No, Moderna. | ||
| I got my first shot. | ||
| About two weeks ago. | ||
| Two weeks ago tomorrow. | ||
| Why is it funny? | ||
| Because I just realized I still have the fucking band-aid when I take a bath. | ||
| I'm such a fucking slothful pig when it comes to bathing. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And it's still there. | ||
| I didn't wash that hard that it came off even last night. | ||
| They're resilient, those band-aids. | ||
| They'll stick around for a while. | ||
| Well, I'm going to get my follow-up shot two weeks from now from the same lady, and I want her to see the same dirty bandage and make her pick it off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know that's rude, but I think it's funny. | |
| So you're getting the shots in Bisbee? | ||
| Is it hard to get it? | ||
| Or do they have a good supply? | ||
| Yeah, well, it just... | ||
| I don't want to get anyone in trouble, but I'd probably cut a line. | ||
| Yeah, I get it. | ||
| But yesterday, Cochise County tweeted, Okay, now 18 and up. | ||
| And I go, yeah, that's great you tweeted that, but maybe nine people in all of Cochise County are on Twitter. | ||
| You get to go door to door to fucking alert these people. | ||
| The UFC contacted me. | ||
| They have a large supply of Johnson& Johnson vaccines. | ||
| That's the one you only take one shot. | ||
| It's different on mRNA vaccines, a different vaccine. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| An adenovirus? | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| Do you know what it's called? | ||
| Some sort of different shot. | ||
| They want to give it to me this weekend. | ||
| Oh, so you haven't had your first yet? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't know your... | ||
| I hear about you. | ||
| I think he's an anti-masker. | ||
| Well, maybe he's an anti-vaxxer. | ||
| No, I'm neither anti-mask or anti-vax. | ||
| I'm neither one of those things. | ||
| But I'm not worried about the virus. | ||
| Everyone that I know that got it, they were sick for like a day. | ||
| day my whole family got it and i didn't get it but i'm on so much shit between vitamins and testosterone and i'm in the fucking sauna every day like what does this say unlike the mrna virus from pfizer moderna which deliver a fat covered bits of genetic material into your cell the johnson johnson vaccine uses a shell of a virus to carry genetic material into your cells So, It says Gandhi. | ||
| Gandhi's the guy? | ||
| That's the doctor. | ||
| How weird. | ||
| Change your name, bro. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's like Dr. Hitler. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, maybe time for a fucking name change. | ||
| Well, maybe he's changed his name up. | ||
| Like, oh, I was Dr. Hitler. | ||
| I should change it to something more easily consumable. | ||
| He became Gandhi. | ||
| The shell is an adenovirus, which normally causes colds, but it has been modified so it no longer replicate and make you sick. | ||
| Alright, you don't need to read all that. | ||
| We'll have people tune out in the third hour. | ||
| They're tuned out already. | ||
| So, uh... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, no, I'm not anti... | ||
| People get mad at me because I said, I don't think I need the vaccine. | ||
| Wait, here's the thing. | ||
| You have the longest... | ||
| It's a platform in the shortest attention span society's ever known. | ||
| So when people put the viral clip of Burr telling you, don't act like we know what the fuck we're talking about. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| That was like 22 seconds of a three-hour podcast. | ||
| So they go, oh, Rogan's a fucking anti-masker. | ||
| That was me trying to get Burr riled up. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm saying people don't... | ||
| There's no context anymore. | ||
| Right, of course. | ||
| It's done. | ||
| It is weird. | ||
| Because you think, like, people know what you're doing. | ||
| Like, with Bill, you're always like, come on, are you going to listen to them? | ||
| You're always going to say that to him, like, wah, wah, and then you fucking crank him up and let him go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, so I'm like, you really think these fucking masks work? | ||
| You know, they say masks are all bullshit, and then next thing you know, Bill's, ugh, ugh, that fucking Irish face gets red, and he's on a rant. | ||
| I mean, obviously, masks do something. | ||
| You're breathing through a filter. | ||
| The question is, like, how much does it filter? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, some people say it does nothing because the air is getting in and the particles are smaller than the air. | ||
| And some people say it blocks a lot of what's coming out, like a certain percentage of it. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| Like, look at how few people got the flu this year. | ||
| That's my hypocrisy. | ||
| First of all, COVID for me for a year has been the best excuse I've ever had. | ||
| This is one of the best years of my life was 2020 plus one. | ||
| To have an excuse to not socialize, to not work. | ||
| Because I'm legendary for every three years going, fuck this, I'm done with comedies. | ||
| Yeah, you quit for like six months. | ||
| And I know that I'm lying. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But like mentally, this time I had an excuse to not work. | ||
| I had an excuse why you couldn't come over where generally I'm polite and you want to come down and visit. | ||
| But yeah, COVID. And then, well, you really believe that shit? | ||
| Well, the people around me do. | ||
| And then I can put the blame on, you know, Chaley and Tracy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everyone else is worried. | ||
| I'm sorry, there's nothing I can do. | ||
| And then I get this shot. | ||
| My first one. | ||
| Did the first one bother you at all? | ||
| Did it fuck with you? | ||
| I'm so afraid of needles that I started drinking at 9am for a 5pm shot. | ||
| So the next day when I was sweating through fucking comforters... | ||
| I don't know, is that hangover or flu residual? | ||
| But the hypocrisy is that I've always shit on Chaley and Tracy for getting flu shots. | ||
| You should get a flu shot. | ||
| No, I don't like needles. | ||
| Well, I might be killing as many old people by not getting a regular flu shot, but I don't give a fuck about old people and they're not in my life. | ||
| Which I think, subliminally, a lot of people If coronavirus was killing that many babies and children, I think the same anti-maskers would be attacking you with a crowbar for not wearing a mask in public. | ||
| You're fucking risking my kid's life! | ||
| Probably. | ||
| People get fucking ape-like over their children. | ||
| They'd be very different. | ||
| I think that's a fucking natural selection kind of thing. | ||
| I don't give a fuck about old people. | ||
| They're taking food from the fucking family and the herd. | ||
| Let them die off. | ||
| I've been studying evolutionary psychology. | ||
| I downloaded a book on Audible about it, 16 and a half hours, and listened to it on the way out, so I should have a degree, even though I didn't understand most of what they were talking about. | ||
| What's the book? | ||
| The Moral Animal. | ||
| Oh, who is that? | ||
| Who wrote that? | ||
| It's like when you started comedy and you go, that guy was really funny. | ||
| What was his name? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I just went to comedy night and there was a guy that was really funny. | ||
| What got you into this moral animal book? | ||
| That's why I love long drives. | ||
| That's why I left three days early. | ||
| There's nothing that makes me more creative. | ||
| Like your sensory deprivation tanks. | ||
| A fucking road trip from Arizona across New Mexico and West Texas? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nothing but fucking... | ||
| Two lanes to focus on. | ||
| Nobody out there. | ||
| And yeah, your mind spirals. | ||
| That was why I had to practice talking. | ||
| Sometimes it's great. | ||
| I stopped and did one podcast, my own podcast, which I should promote. | ||
| I never promote my own. | ||
| I'm putting more effort into it. | ||
| We're doing Patreon. | ||
| Are you doing Patreon now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you just get tired of doing ads? | ||
| Well, we've got to make money. | ||
| I started that podcast as a default open mic. | ||
| I started my podcast back when we really thought everyone has a podcast. | ||
| And since COVID, I have two people that I keep in touch with. | ||
| One's in a mental institution for murdering his mother. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Actually in a halfway house now. | ||
| They're gonna let him out? | ||
| Yeah, he's got a job. | ||
| Killed his mom? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I assume stabbed her to death. | ||
| I never really got into the details. | ||
| He's come to my shows. | ||
| He gets day passes and... | ||
| Nice kid. | ||
| And then Bobby Caldwell. | ||
| Notes from the pen. | ||
| Hold up. | ||
| Let's not gloss over this. | ||
| Nice kid, stabbed his mom? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Yeah, he's a mental illness. | ||
| And they're gonna let him out? | ||
| Did they fix it? | ||
| He's out. | ||
| He only went back in because of COVID. How long is he in for? | ||
| Not very long. | ||
| I think it was 2014. How's his mom's family feel about this? | ||
| 2014? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that quick. | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You go to jail for eight years? | ||
| He thought his mother was the devil and was going to hurt the rest of the family. | ||
| This isn't like... | ||
| This isn't cool mental illness. | ||
| Like, I'm kind of bipolar, so excuse my behavior. | ||
| This is like serious mental illness. | ||
| Voices in your head. | ||
| That's like Jason Voorhees shit. | ||
| Like, why do they let him out? | ||
| Well, they put him in... | ||
| He got found not guilty by reason of insanity. | ||
| Went to a mental institution. | ||
| Showed great progress. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh... | |
| And now he's out. | ||
| Well, he's happy with us. | ||
| He's got a job and a bank account, and he was employee of the month at his job. | ||
| Who hires him? | ||
| Knife company? | ||
| Knife company. | ||
| He doesn't have sponsorship, but the point is, he's starting a podcast. | ||
| Bobby at notesfromthepen.com. | ||
| He accidentally killed his wife during a suicide attempt. | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
| He's the other guy. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That guy's brilliant. | ||
| He's really strong. | ||
| He was drug addicted and tried to kill himself. | ||
| The bullet went behind him as his wife was trying to stop him. | ||
| Killed her. | ||
| He's doing 15 years. | ||
| He's four years away from release in Michigan. | ||
| Hopefully, fucking Michigan starts. | ||
| They don't have a good behavior kind of thing, where Bobby would be out by now. | ||
| That guy's actually a legit writer. | ||
| He does, on his website, he's a comedy fan, and he has all these different comics. | ||
| Pull up notes from the pen.com and how comics would fare in prison, because he rates all the comedians how they would, and of course, you do very well. | ||
| Go pull it up. | ||
| This book that you have, too. | ||
| The point is, they both have podcasts. | ||
| Bobby's podcast is really popular now. | ||
| Let me see Andrew Santino. | ||
| Seven out of ten. | ||
| Redhead. | ||
| Quick wit. | ||
| Relatively young. | ||
| Confident. | ||
| He'd find his crew. | ||
| I feel like redheads fight more than usual, so he'd probably get into a few altercations, but generally would be alright with a few, some new stories and a few scars. | ||
| Go up a little bit. | ||
| Go to Rogan. | ||
| Amy Schumer. | ||
| Question mark. | ||
| Adam Sandler, 9 out of 10. If I had only seen his comedies, I would have scored him lower. | ||
| But there's a depth, even darkness under the circles. | ||
| Have you seen Uncut Gems? | ||
| It's fucking fantastic. | ||
| It's fucking fantastic. | ||
| It's like, if you think you know who Adam Sandler is, watch Uncut Gems. | ||
| I mean, that guy's an incredible actor. | ||
| Like, if you see Waterboy, and then you see this, you'll go, wait, wait a fucking minute. | ||
| This is the same guy? | ||
| Like, how come you haven't been doing this the whole time? | ||
| Like, he's so good. | ||
| You wonder, like, it's crazy that he does these, like, silly movies. | ||
| Which I guess he loves. | ||
| I love Zohan. | ||
| Zohan's one of my favorite movies. | ||
| There's one that I watched on Hangover Sundays where you go, I just need something dumb, but not too dumb. | ||
| I forget what it was. | ||
| It was one of the dumb ones. | ||
| I swear he's... | ||
| Someone's dad and comes back into his life. | ||
| I think that is probably seven of his movies. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's got a gang of those kind of movies. | ||
| This is so perfectly dumb for what I need in my head right now. | ||
| Yeah, they're fun movies. | ||
| Me and the family, when we went into the COVID lockdown, we watched every Adam Sandler movie. | ||
| We had movie night basically every night because we were just trapped at home. | ||
| In the beginning, everyone was trapped. | ||
| That's all we did. | ||
| We stayed at home, we watched movies, we went to the grocery store. | ||
| And then slowly but surely, people started getting annoyed with it. | ||
| Well, the difference is... | ||
| And it was triggering to hear when you said, me and the family. | ||
| Because that's the part of Joe Rogan no one ever considers, is you do actually have a family. | ||
| I do not. | ||
| So for me at home, it was just the usual suspects that would come over and in the summer we'd have movie nights out on the patio. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Watch The Jerk. | ||
| Why would you watch The Jerk again? | ||
| Because we're locked down. | ||
| It's a good fucking movie. | ||
| Yeah, and having cocktails on the patio. | ||
| The Jerk is kind of historic, too. | ||
| It's not just a good movie. | ||
| It's like you're watching a chunk of history. | ||
| This is... | ||
| When Steve Martin came out with that movie, back in the day, that movie was the shit. | ||
| It was the shit. | ||
| And it still is. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I don't know if younger people appreciate a lot of the stuff that we do. | ||
| The Jerk? | ||
| But I think The Jerk held up in front of an audience of younger people. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| Some of them, you go, even myself, like Kentucky Fried Movie, you go, oh, that was the shit in 1979. And then you watch it, you go, this is the dumbest fucking movie ever. | ||
| I didn't see that. | ||
| I think I saw it back in the day, but I haven't seen that recently. | ||
| Movie 42 is the one that we found. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| I think it's called Movie 42. Hey, I wanted to see Rogan, how Rogan fared in prison on notes from the pen. | ||
| Movie 42 is like a sketch comedy, but huge names are in it. | ||
| Like Hugh Jackman, he's got balls on his chin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just really dumb. | |
| It's basically sketch comedy, but filmed like a movie. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Anyway, it was one of the things that we found just watching dumb shit. | ||
| Movie 43. Sorry. | ||
| The biggest cast ever assembled. | ||
| That's why I have to have you fact check me, Jamie. | ||
| Kristen Bell. | ||
| Joey Diaz, 9 out of 10. This is pointless. | ||
| Joey Coco Diaz has already done time. | ||
| Oh, you're fucking 10 out of 10. Oh, I got 10 out of 10. Visually and physically, multiple black belts. | ||
| Son of an Irish cop from Boston. | ||
| New Jersey, actually. | ||
| First choice for victim. | ||
| Respectful, intuitive, and disciplined. | ||
| Cakewalk. | ||
| Perfect score. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There we go. | |
| You don't even have to read it. | ||
| I love where it says, Joe List. | ||
| See Chris Hardwick with glasses. | ||
| But I talk to Bobby a few times a week, and he's a fucking great guy. | ||
| My point was, he has merch. | ||
| He doesn't just have a podcast, he's selling merch. | ||
| So when I started my podcast, I thought, this is just a throwaway, because everyone has a podcast. | ||
| Now I have two friends in prisons or mental institutions that have podcasts, and are probably pushing more merch than me. | ||
| So the guy who killed his mom, he has a podcast as well? | ||
| I don't think he has a lot of listeners. | ||
| Well, he does now. | ||
| He just put out two. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| The Ward. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| But he does open mics in the mental institution. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Mental institution has open mics? | ||
| He started it. | ||
| Isn't comedy bad for your mental health? | ||
| If his comedy is bad for everyone else's mental health, I'll be... | ||
| And I'm very honest with him. | ||
| He sends me clips of him and I go, I didn't even know when I would give you a polite laugh because I didn't know where the joke was. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| He's getting out. | ||
| But he's a great... | ||
| He's aware of his psychosis. | ||
| He thought Lorne Michaels... | ||
| Was secretly telling him he was going to be on Saturday Night Live. | ||
| So what he does, he murders his mother. | ||
| Stay with me. | ||
| Then he drives from the southeast up to New York City. | ||
| He gets on the set of Saturday Night Live. | ||
| Texts pictures to his sisters saying, see, I'm on the set. | ||
| Then finally security sees the error in their ways. | ||
| They escort him off. | ||
| Huge fan of Legion of Skanks. | ||
| So he goes down, he hangs out at the Cave and Creek. | ||
| The podcast, Big J, they know who this guy is. | ||
| They know his deal? | ||
| Actually, I just did Legion of Skanks and I fucking, I dialed Twyman. | ||
| I could call Twyman right now. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| But I won't. | ||
| Yeah, if not. | ||
| Jesus Christ, that's hilarious. | ||
| And then they finally caught him and he went to Rikers Island and then he got found not guilty. | ||
| Anyway, he's a big comedy fan. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| Said to say hi. | ||
| Tell him I said hi back. | ||
| It's a real bummer when you like someone, and then you hear their comedy. | ||
| And you're like, I can't. | ||
| I can't be friends with you. | ||
| Well, this is... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he's a different case. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you know, like, when you're, like, at the store, there was always an interesting hodgepodge of beginners and veterans. | ||
| People that had been, you know, doing the road forever, and then there'd be people that, you know, you hung out with, you're like, oh, he seems like a funny guy. | ||
| And then you see his set, and you're like, oh, shit, I can't hang out with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I just can't, because you're not going to make it. | ||
| You've never dated a comedian. | ||
| No. | ||
| I did when I was 21. When I was 21. I was in a relationship for a year and a half. | ||
| It can get rough. | ||
| And they're working out bits, and you can't... | ||
| I can tell Twyman. | ||
| I don't get why you would even think that's a joke. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he can handle it. | ||
| Because who's he going to kill? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me? | |
| Me? | ||
| If he kills another person, he's really going away this time, for real. | ||
| None of these meds are going to work. | ||
| The dating comedian thing, it works sometimes. | ||
| Like Tom Segura and Christina Positsky, it works great. | ||
| Bonnie McFarlane, Rich Voss. | ||
| It's funnier than Voss, so the power dynamic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they're both funny. | ||
| They're both very funny. | ||
| And as is Christina and Segura. | ||
| They're both very funny. | ||
| The problem is when one is not. | ||
| And then it's usually like an ugly male comic who's funny and a hotter female comic who's not funny who needs someone to punch up. | ||
| Yeah, writes their jokes for them. | ||
| It's always the case. | ||
| They're always like half-assed writers. | ||
| And they get hooked up with some really funny comic who's fucking way above his head. | ||
| The old troll guy like me or Bill Amar. | ||
| And he's fucking way above his head. | ||
| And so he helps punch up her act. | ||
| I've had a lot of friends that have had those kind of... | ||
| Weirdo. | ||
| Natasha Leggera and Moshe Kasher. | ||
| That's another good relationship between two funny people. | ||
| But there's been a lot of those relationships where one of them is not good. | ||
| How many times have you fallen into the trap of the comedian that you see them do five minutes in the belly room or whatever? | ||
| You go, that guy's got some... | ||
| He's really funny. | ||
| And then you realize, oh, he stumbled into two accidentally funny jokes that he doesn't even understand are funny, but you're already promoting him. | ||
| I knew a girl who was like that. | ||
| For whatever reason, it never clicked. | ||
| I don't want to say her name, but it never clicked. | ||
| But I saw her at an open mic night one time, like 15, 16 years ago, and I was like, holy shit, she's a fucking monster. | ||
| I was like, she is going to be huge. | ||
| She's going to be goddamn huge. | ||
| And she never put it together, but she had one open mic night set in the belly room. | ||
| And I watched it and I was like, Jesus Christ, that is a funny person. | ||
| This is a trap as well. | ||
| When you say, I'm not going to say their name. | ||
| So right now, there's 130 women thinking, he's talking about me. | ||
| Is he talking about me? | ||
| No, the one I'm talking about, she's doing great with other stuff. | ||
| So it's not like, you know, that's the thing with comics. | ||
| It's like either they make it or they're a tragedy. | ||
| Either they make it as a comedian or whatever it is that sought them, that made them seek out becoming a comic, ruins whatever's left of their life. | ||
| If they can't make it in comedy and they see all these other people make it in comedy, then they're depressed and angry and bitter and they just want to burn the world down. | ||
| But this woman's not like that. | ||
| She actually became successful at other stuff. | ||
| Have you had people turn on you because they thought you were going to help them as much as you helped other comics? | ||
| No, no, not really. | ||
| I help people as much as I can. | ||
| There's only so much you can help. | ||
| And there's some people you can't help. | ||
| What you're doing is so poor. | ||
| There's nothing there. | ||
| I don't know what you need to do to change. | ||
| The way you're interfacing with reality? | ||
| What about older comics that... | ||
| Oh, that's bad. | ||
| They just stopped trying. | ||
| Yeah, we're going in a different direction on this tour. | ||
| Imagine if you were still doing your act from like 2000. You had some great bits in 2000. I remember your act in 2000. It was funny as fuck. | ||
| Imagine if you just hung on to that and you kept doing it on the road. | ||
| There's a lot of guys like that. | ||
| We know them. | ||
| And they're out there. | ||
| They're just fucking... | ||
| It's like... | ||
| I mean, if you're in a band, it's a different story, you know? | ||
| Like, I think band members don't mind doing old songs. | ||
| Like, the Stones will go out there and they'll do an old album, and I don't think it's a problem, but a comic. | ||
| It's just like, there's something... | ||
| It's death. | ||
| There's something about rehashing an old perspective and trotting it out there like you give a fuck. | ||
| I find myself in that position where I still do give a fuck about issues. | ||
| Because you and I both talk about shit that's horrible in society. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Generally. | ||
| And when that doesn't change, and you're still angry about it, but you already did like three different bits from three different angles, and I can't eat this pie with a different fork again. | ||
| The fuck do I do? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then sometimes you find a better perspective. | ||
| And everything new is fucking, I don't understand. | ||
| How much are you on social media? | ||
| The point is, I don't know about a lot of shit, but I'm aware of what I don't know, so try not to launch an opinion. | ||
| Yeah, the old perspectives that are still valid are weird too, because it's like nothing's changed. | ||
| Some old perspectives that you had, they are still good. | ||
| They are still valid. | ||
| I guess I'm not talking about that. | ||
| I'm talking about comics that just become like a carpenter. | ||
| Not that there's anything wrong with being a carpenter, but they've got tools. | ||
| They're just like, oh, this one needs a fucking T-square. | ||
| I'm going to use a hammer on that. | ||
| They're not comics anymore. | ||
| They're just like... | ||
| Tradesmen. | ||
| Yeah, they're playing fucking Tetris. | ||
| Alright, this point of view fits into this. | ||
| Yes, that's a good way to put it. | ||
| Yeah, with a very dated reference, because that's the last video game that was on a phone that I saw. | ||
| Oh, they still have Tetris? | ||
| And I still use the reference. | ||
| So yeah, at some point you're going to suck unless... | ||
| I don't know what's worse, is being the guy who has dated references because he doesn't know... | ||
| Now video games are in 3D or 4D. Immersive fucking experience. | ||
| Or being the old guy that still watches whatever kids watch and uses those references. | ||
| 70-year-old guy playing Twitch games online. | ||
| It's like Grand Theft Auto 6? | ||
| Is it 7 yet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| How many Grand Theft Autos are there, Jamie? | ||
| There's still on five. | ||
| Five? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ten years. | ||
| I'm close to it. | ||
| Ten years? | ||
| It's been a while. | ||
| We're still promoting it, though. | ||
| You mean Grand Theft Auto V came out ten years ago? | ||
| It came out right around the time I did a job with it. | ||
| So that's even a dated reference? | ||
| Eight, nine years, yeah. | ||
| I'm using a ten-year-old reference as a new reference of something I don't understand. | ||
| It's so popular, so no, you're not really that wrong, to be honest with you. | ||
| Are they making a new one? | ||
| They're very quiet about that, so no one knows. | ||
| They're very quiet about a lot of things. | ||
| If you were a comic that maybe eight years ago was hired to be a comic that's in the game, and you put on the whole fucking CGI suit, and you did your act in front of a fake audience so they can put it in the game, but you had to sign all sorts of non-disclosure agreements, like it's the biggest secret that you're going to be on the game, and then you're never on the game, you still to this day could not fucking talk about it. | ||
| That's my point. | ||
| Annie Letterman's one of the bigger voices in that game. | ||
| Is she really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I fucking love her! | ||
| I love her. | ||
| The Comedy Store documentary. | ||
| Yeah, she was great in it. | ||
| She was great in it. | ||
| One of the good things about COVID, and I could go on about all the great things about COVID. And I'm sorry if half a million people are collateral damage to the joy that I've gotten out of COVID is I get to learn about a lot of new comics that I don't watch comedy because I'm always afraid, oh, I'm gonna, you know. | ||
| Yeah, she's one of my favorites. | ||
| And that was that comedy store documentary that maybe, oh, fuck, I love this chick. | ||
| Turns out she went to the Death Valley party. | ||
| They had a resurgence of it. | ||
| A small core group went out to Death Valley in October, and she showed up, and I pussied out. | ||
| Like, I don't want to drive fucking 13 hours to fucking Death Valley. | ||
| You get to meet her anyway. | ||
| I'm trying to get her to move out here. | ||
| She probably will. | ||
| She's fucking brilliant, man. | ||
| She's the real deal. | ||
| Nate Bargazzi is fucking hilarious. | ||
| I'm trying to think. | ||
| Nate Craig was one. | ||
| Sam Morrill. | ||
| Sam Morrill is very funny. | ||
| Very funny. | ||
| I actually sat down and watched a bunch of people. | ||
| There's a great crew coming up. | ||
| Do you pay attention to Andrew Schultz? | ||
| You listen to his stuff? | ||
| There's a few that I... I'm terrible, and so are you, at following up a lot of times. | ||
| Like, hey Joe, on Sunday, what time on Wednesday and where do I go? | ||
| I didn't text you back. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It affected all my travel plans. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| And then I asked the fucking worst person ever, hey, uh... | ||
| Who'd you ask? | ||
| Red Band? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Red Band's the one who fucking got... | ||
| He was the hero. | ||
| No, Brett Erickson and fucking Carrie Mitchell. | ||
| I'm like, can you at least tell me, like, do you know, like, what part of Austin so I can book a hotel near it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they gave me... | ||
| They didn't say, I don't know. | ||
| They gave me the wrong information. | ||
| They gave me the information of the fucking new place. | ||
| And he lives like 10 minutes north of there. | ||
| Does he do the podcast there? | ||
| I want to be like Uber distance, but if you live out in fucking buttfuck rich part of town, they might not have Ubers. | ||
| Ron White fucked us like that once. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| He's like, yeah, after the show in Atlanta, he showed up and did a guest spot. | ||
| But you have to come to my house to party afterwards. | ||
| It's just right down the road. | ||
| It's like fucking almost an hour away. | ||
| We're gonna be on the tour bus, so we'll take all of you on the tour bus and we're coming back through this way. | ||
| Anyway, tomorrow we'll drop you back off and we party through the night. | ||
| Like one of the hardest fucking hangovers I've ever lived through with a show the next night. | ||
| Ron White's sober now. | ||
| Oh, you told me that, but... | ||
| So, the next morning, as we're still, like, vaguely awake, he's like, you guys gotta get an Uber. | ||
| Like, I thought the tour bus is taking us back. | ||
| Change of plans. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And then it's gated community on a golf course and a fucking Uber takes two and a half hours. | ||
| So we're drinking again to fucking tamp down the hangover. | ||
| And then it was one of the worst shows I've ever had that night where I said, if I gave refunds, this would be the show. | ||
| But I don't. | ||
| Yeah, I heard he do some like ayahuasca. | ||
| Yeah, he's more than 60 days sober now. | ||
| Sharp as a tack. | ||
| I did the Chappelle shows with him last week. | ||
| I did Sunday and Tuesday with him last week. | ||
| And I did Vulcan Gas Company in town too. | ||
| I did that with him too. | ||
| He's fucking sharp as fuck. | ||
| And just completely sober. | ||
| He went to the doctor. | ||
| Big mistake, right? | ||
| Don't go to the doctor. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Went to the doctor. | ||
| The doctor gave him the old once-over and go, we gotta fucking hit the brakes on this train. | ||
| Like, this runaway train is heading right for a cliff. | ||
| Did he tell you why he went to the doctor? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| I didn't ask. | ||
| I feel like Ron White tells you everything he wants to tell you. | ||
| Oh, I do. | ||
| I... Because that's my doctor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is... | |
| Who did I just talk to? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh... | |
| Fuck it. | ||
| Jordan Zevon, Warren's son. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Who I've known peripherally through MySpace and social media. | ||
| We've DM'd here and there. | ||
| He sent me Warren Zevon's original practice amp. | ||
| Fucking cool guy. | ||
| And I said, hey, I want you on the podcast. | ||
| It was just a couple weeks ago. | ||
| And he's like, I'm probably not that interesting. | ||
| I'm not Jordan Springsteen. | ||
| But here's my number anyway, because I don't drink anymore. | ||
| And I called him up and I go, I'll tell you if you're interesting or not. | ||
| And he told me the most interesting story. | ||
| You get diagnosed with cirrhosis and then I'm wrapped. | ||
| Like, well, what made you go to the doctor to begin with? | ||
| What symptoms should I be looking for that you had? | ||
| It's like Hedberg's old joke. | ||
| My girlfriend wanted me to get an AIDS test. | ||
| So I called my friend. | ||
| I said, hey, Brian, do you know anyone with AIDS? And he said, no. | ||
| and I said well you know me yeah what should I look for I have none of those symptoms. | ||
| I think I'm good. | ||
| You're a moderate regular drinker. | ||
| That's what I would say. | ||
| Well, it's also 1.30 in the afternoon. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, you drink a lot of light beer. | ||
| No, that's like 13 years ago. | ||
| I moved to cocktails because I don't know anything. | ||
| I need you as a fucking personal trainer of life. | ||
| In 2008, I quit smoking for a year, and I got really fat. | ||
| So what I did is I switched from Miller Lite to vodka cranberry straight, thinking, oh, cranberry is a juice, which is good for you. | ||
| No, it's got like eight times the fucking sugar. | ||
| Have you ever had like an actual cranberry? | ||
| They're disgusting. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Cranberry juice cocktail is just sugar. | ||
| Yeah, now I do vodka soda with just a splash of juice. | ||
| That's a good way to go. | ||
| Yeah, but at first I go, oh juice is better for me. | ||
| I'm not considering sugar makes you fat. | ||
| Yeah, that shit's real fatty. | ||
| But the cigarettes, what happens when you get off the cigarettes? | ||
| That's my problem. | ||
| Cigarettes jack up your metabolism, right? | ||
| It does something, and when you get off of it, it slows you down. | ||
| It kills your appetite. | ||
| Oh, is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But also, doesn't the nicotine rev you up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It burns calories, too? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If I'm on a bender, the hangover will kick in when I light my first cigarette the next day, and then I'll get... | ||
| Like booze shakes. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| It's after the first cigarette. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| Well, I guess that means it does jack you up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like you're holding a drink with two hands like leaving Las Vegas where you can't sign the fucking banknote. | ||
| I remember that movie. | ||
| I like smoking cigarettes before shows. | ||
| I did it once with Hinchcliffe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You smoked cigarettes? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I remember when you barely drank. | ||
| I remember one podcast we did a million years ago where you had like three beers and you were saying you were drunk. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was a long time ago. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, that was like 2009 when I started podcast. | ||
| I have no idea of time. | ||
| I was for sure drinking, like actual drinking then. | ||
| Well, you're older. | ||
| You don't have the memory that I do. | ||
| Yeah, I'm over by like, what, two months? | ||
| No, tomorrow's my birthday, and you turn your February, right? | ||
| No, I'm August. | ||
| How old are you tomorrow? | ||
| Oh wait, I'm older than you! | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| Alright, I thought you were a month older than me. | ||
| No. | ||
| Alright, well, you're a kid, you have no idea what you're talking about. | ||
| I'm 54 tomorrow. | ||
| I'll be 54 in August. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| When I was a kid, I thought 54 people, that was a dead person. | ||
| You aren't doing shit. | ||
| You're just laying around waiting to rot out from the inside. | ||
| I know, and I still feel like that, and everyone's aging beautifully, and I'm not gonna keep up. | ||
| Ron White was a fucking luxurious head of hair, and now that he's 60 days sober, sharp as a tack, I think he's gonna pull through this swimmingly. | ||
| I don't remember him not being sharp as a tack. | ||
| Well, he was always great, even when he was drunk. | ||
| I mean, he was always a great comic, for sure. | ||
| Even when he was drinking, like, every day. | ||
| But, you know, like I said, I didn't ask for specifics, what it is that was getting him. | ||
| But something was getting him. | ||
| Something bad enough where he got so scared that not only did he get off the booze, but then he went to Costa Rica and did multiple ayahuasca ceremonies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| And he wants to talk about it, but I don't want to talk to him about it until he talks about it on the podcast. | ||
| I go, let's just tell me on the air, because the first time you tell me, it'll be the best. | ||
| Because I'm always in that mindset of... | ||
| Like Jordan Zivon, that conversation. | ||
| We talked for almost an hour and I go, I just wasted a fucking podcast. | ||
| I'm monetizing in my head. | ||
| Even without money, I'm monetizing, capitalizing on a personal conversation where I'm like, fuck, that would have been a great deal. | ||
| You could look at it that way, but you could also look at it like you want to share this in its purest and best form with all the people that enjoy your podcast. | ||
| That's why when I saw you, I go, just tell me the stuff that we're not going to talk about on the podcast. | ||
| Don't fucking waste a breath. | ||
| Well, that stuff will be soon. | ||
| The stuff that I told you not to talk about, it's just a matter of we have to get up and running. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to waste a breath that's worth shit. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| TX whiskey? | ||
| That came from a fan. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| It's probably tainted. | ||
| Now, I just opened it before because I had the booze shakes before you showed up, and I go, I should open this now because I don't want to be quivering. | ||
| Smells good. | ||
| I did a podcast yesterday with Marcus Luttrell. | ||
| That is not a sponsor. | ||
| TX. I brought that bottle on purpose. | ||
| For Texas? | ||
| If I get a fucking... | ||
| If I had a whiskey sponsor on my podcast, I would be making bank. | ||
| We have a whiskey sponsor. | ||
| We have Buffalo Trace. | ||
| That's shit. | ||
| You ever have that? | ||
| Yes, I have. | ||
| Phenomenal. | ||
| And I could... | ||
| If there is anything I could sell on my podcast, it's liquor. | ||
| When I was a Miller Lite drinker on stage, I think my first five specials of whatever, like CDs or DVDs when they made the transition, You can hear me saying, can I get another Miller Lite up here? | ||
| And I wasn't pushing the product. | ||
| It's just what I drank. | ||
| But on the road, they would sell out of Miller Lite. | ||
| If I was doing a week by fucking first show Friday, they're sold out of the brand I'm drinking. | ||
| I'm like, it tastes exactly like fucking Coors Light or Bud Light. | ||
| I couldn't tell the difference. | ||
| A whiskey I could fucking sell. | ||
| So yes, I am actively fucking searching out a whiskey sponsor. | ||
| Maybe we should go to the doctor first, get checked out. | ||
| Make sure everything's okay. | ||
| I feel great. | ||
| Okay, fine. | ||
| Do I look bad? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you look great. | |
| Like I said, Ron White's 10 years older than you. | ||
| And he's been going hard forever. | ||
| He's been going hard for 50 years. | ||
| Is he... | ||
| He was a cigar smoker? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Still smokes cigars. | ||
| He still smokes weed. | ||
| But he's... | ||
| I've been doing the edibles. | ||
| Have you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I saw that on your Instagram or your Twitter, rather. | ||
| I was like, look at this. | ||
| Yeah, it's... | ||
| You're paranoid? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| But I've been doing them mostly during a fucking year of COVID, so... | ||
| That would make you paranoid, though? | ||
| Just be... | ||
| Don't you just, like... | ||
| Just think of mortality and life and death and people used to know. | ||
| Not 10 milligrams. | ||
| Well, sometimes. | ||
| Oh, little baby. | ||
| Little baby doses. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I get paranoid anyway. | ||
| I get fucking paranoid on the road. | ||
| Driving through West Texas. | ||
| I know. | ||
| How far have you been from Austin? | ||
| I've been. | ||
| In a car. | ||
| Not recently, but I've been. | ||
| I've driven, you know, down to Houston, Dallas. | ||
| West Texas. | ||
| Yeah, West Texas, you might as well be in a vampire movie. | ||
| Especially when I'm in that headspace. | ||
| Okay, I just did 450 miles. | ||
| Stopping to piss once with my gator up. | ||
| The gator's fucking great because it hides my fucking old man neck flesh. | ||
| Well, there was a lot of guys that were rocking the neck bandana anyway for a long time. | ||
| And now, you know, they just keep it going. | ||
| By the way, that neck bandana doesn't do jack shit. | ||
| I talked to my doctor about it. | ||
| He was like, you might as well not have a fucking mask on with that thing. | ||
| If I'm in a place, I put a fucking N95 and then I put this over it. | ||
| Are you taking any vitamins or anything to try to protect yourself? | ||
| Yeah, I took four B12s before I came here. | ||
| I get chewable zincs with C. At home, I load up on C. I wake up, I drink a smoothie that has carrot juice, beets. | ||
| If it's a red one, I'll do beets and strawberries, spinach. | ||
| I don't fucking do kale, broccoli, and I have the green mix, flaxseed and peanut butter for protein. | ||
| If it's green, I do cucumber and celery for flavor, green apple, pineapple. | ||
| Are you feeling better from doing this? | ||
| No, I feel like shit all the time. | ||
| That doesn't help at all? | ||
| I'm sure it does, but I don't notice. | ||
| I'm really bad with cause and effect. | ||
| Like... | ||
| I get nervous. | ||
| When I started this, I'm like, I'm nervous and I love it, but I'm not mentally aware that I'm nervous. | ||
| I know physically that I'm nervous. | ||
| When I book the UK, I'm so terrified of the UK for some reason, even though they're very welcoming to me. | ||
| I'm terrified of their audiences because generally I think they're smarter and funnier than most American comedians. | ||
| Just the average guy in the crowd... | ||
| I know when I can't brush my tongue because I gag that I'm nervous, where I wasn't really aware that I was nervous until I think they have very high standards for your work in the UK. They don't tolerate sloppiness so much. | ||
| They want you to be prepared. | ||
| But I don't know what they expect. | ||
| Because you don't know the culture as well. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I can't profile like you can in the States where you can look at a person and know by what they're wearing or how they carry themselves. | ||
| Over there, everyone's just a mutated head like me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They're generally very accepting towards American comics, though. | ||
| American comics have gone over there. | ||
| They've done really well. | ||
| Bird did his last special there. | ||
| Obviously, Hicks became huge over there. | ||
| A lot of guys go over there and do really well. | ||
| I don't know why, but I just don't know... | ||
| They're very polite there, too, right? | ||
| During the day. | ||
| A few pints later, then all their aggro that they've swallowed because of their culture. | ||
| Oh, it's impolite to say this, and that's why they're fucking smashing each other in the head with pint glasses at the end of the night at last call, or whatever they call last call. | ||
| They got a lot of stabbings over there. | ||
| It's a weird thing, because, you know, it's hard to get a gun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's an old bit I used to do. | ||
| We have all the shootings, but less of the fistfights. | ||
| We have no healthcare. | ||
| They can afford to beat the fuck out of each other because they don't have to pay for the stitches. | ||
| Yeah, they don't have a copay. | ||
| Tell me about this book. | ||
| Oh, Sam Talent. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Running the light, that's for you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I think someone else told me about this and I wasn't paying attention. | ||
| It's the best depiction of road comedy. | ||
| There's never been any movie in the United States that shows stand-up comedy for what it is. | ||
| What was Adam Sandler? | ||
| Back to Adam Sandler. | ||
| The one he did where he's the old bitter comic that thinks he has cancer but he's wrong. | ||
| Yeah, funny people. | ||
| I never saw that. | ||
| But it wasn't applicable to road comedy, where this is someone who's still doing one-nighters in fucking Amarillo, Texas. | ||
| He's an old guy. | ||
| And he's 53. We were talking before the podcast about Bill Maher's book. | ||
| A lot of people don't know it. | ||
| It's one of the things that I... Before I talk to Bill Maher, I want to tell him. | ||
| Did you tell his fucking writers to stop stealing my fucking bits? | ||
| Are they stealing your bits? | ||
| Really? | ||
| That Patreon was supposed to go out fucking three weeks ago, but Chaley was on vacation. | ||
| Yeah, so again... | ||
| What bit? | ||
| Well, this time, it's subtle hints at it. | ||
| It was about... | ||
| Well, my bit was about the 10k fun run for your own ego, I think was the track title. | ||
| But his was, we have to stop raising awareness for raising awareness. | ||
| And then there's things that are absolutely specific to my bit from four years ago when it was relevant. | ||
| He goes into... | ||
| And football! | ||
| Can you stop with the pink shoes? | ||
| I'm trying to watch the game here. | ||
| Specific lines in my cadence. | ||
| I know you fucking... | ||
| I don't think Bill Maher stole shit because I don't think he's that committed to his own show. | ||
| I think he walks into his writer's room and says, what's my opinion this week? | ||
| You, go. | ||
| You, go. | ||
| But he's fucking ripped me off since 2007 as a PR stunt basically when Bristol Palin was announced that she was pregnant at like 17 when Sarah Palin was a vice presidential candidate. | ||
| We put up a website. | ||
| Savingbristol.com, where I was offering her like 25 grand to have an abortion so she doesn't ruin her life and get stuck in that cult. | ||
| The next day or within that week, he put up a fucking Levi, the father of the baby, a website saying we're going to raise money to fucking... | ||
| Like, mirror... | ||
| Like, this is fucking specific, and this last one was... | ||
| He's talking about NFL players wearing pink shoes, the bit I did, like, five years ago, where the NFL hasn't done pink shoes for years, and it's not even football season, and you're using the exact same fucking... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's probably his writers. | ||
| You're probably right. | ||
| Fucking abortion is green. | ||
| It's one of my favorite bits I did a long time ago. | ||
| Yeah, he did that. | ||
| That bit? | ||
| I remember that bit very well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's the problem with writers. | ||
| We've always had a problem with that at the store. | ||
| Guys would come in, writers would sit in the back of the room, and then you'd hear certain comics' bits on someone's monologue. | ||
| We had that problem with the man show. | ||
| It's a reverse problem. | ||
| We know we're going to take the bad beat for doing shitty bits. | ||
| The sketch is like, do you remember the time we had to do some fucking awful... | ||
| Bit that... | ||
| Where we were talking... | ||
| Yeah, I know what you're saying. | ||
| But we forgot that we were... | ||
| We forgot we were mic'd up and we were talking about... | ||
| This fucking bit we're about to fucking... | ||
| We forgot that the head writer was listening to the entire thing. | ||
| The problem is... | ||
| I still feel bad about that. | ||
| I don't feel bad about that. | ||
| We were forced into that situation. | ||
| That was a trick. | ||
| You know, I tell people what happened with that show. | ||
| You and I got pulled aside. | ||
| But that specific incident where... | ||
| Like, if we had talked to Tom to his face and said, this thing sucks... | ||
| But he had to hear it from me smoking backstage by a fucking dumpster and you talking to me. | ||
| We're like, who fucking wrote this? | ||
| Jesus Gun. | ||
| Good God. | ||
| I can't believe I... I would never do a show like that ever again. | ||
| I don't think you can ever do a show where you bring in producers that aren't comics, that don't understand your sensibility, and then you have network executives that have their opinions and they're not funny and they all want to get their greasy little hands on the recipe. | ||
| And it becomes a disaster. | ||
| You know Olivia Grace? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Very funny. | ||
| I met her when she was like 16. Yeah, she has a fucking tattoo of a quote of my bit on her belly from when she was like 16. And I go, I'll pay for you to get that covered up. | ||
| Get that lasered off, kid. | ||
| But we're pitching a show, a series now... | ||
| On what network? | ||
| For what? | ||
| Well, the premise is... | ||
| I don't know if you saw my Louis episode, where the character was named Eddie that was going to kill himself. | ||
| And it ends with me driving off to my last gig to kill myself. | ||
| But what if Eddie didn't kill himself? | ||
| And here, 15 years later... | ||
| It's kind of a Harold and Maude thing. | ||
| And it's through a British production company where you go, oh, okay. | ||
| It's a huge difference. | ||
| But we're pitching it homegrown network. | ||
| The point is that I don't need it now. | ||
| When we did the man show, I needed that and you didn't because you were doing Fear Factor. | ||
| Like, if you weren't doing Fear Factor, you had the... | ||
| The presence to go, fuck this. | ||
| I'm not doing this. | ||
| No, we're doing it this way. | ||
| And I was the guy that was in the office every day going, uh, whatever you say. | ||
| I think that's funnier. | ||
| Well, I only did it because I was going to do it with you. | ||
| Like, I was very specific with them. | ||
| Like, they pitched a bunch of other people and I said, no. | ||
| I said, I'm doing it with Stan Oper. | ||
| I'm not going to do it. | ||
| I'm like, I need a real comic. | ||
| I'm like, I need a crazy person. | ||
| Yeah, but I did not have... | ||
| You didn't have the ability to say fuck you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But now I do. | ||
| So now it's kind of fun to pitch a series. | ||
| I don't need it. | ||
| I think it would be funny. | ||
| I love the premise and it would be dark like that episode idea. | ||
| Well, she's great. | ||
| I'm down for anything that she does. | ||
| But I just feel like at this day and age, anytime you bring other people into the mix, it's a mess. | ||
| You've got to be autonomous. | ||
| But I'm saying now I have that presence of mind where I wouldn't do something stupid because a suit went, how about instead of you're a suicidal drunk guy, you're a crazy guy who wears funny hats. | ||
| I would not capitulate. | ||
| Like, if we were in the same situation that we were in way back then with The Man Show, today, we would be like, no. | ||
| We're not doing this sketch. | ||
| Like, there was a bunch of sketches that were, like, they shouldn't have been on the show. | ||
| They just were not good. | ||
| And these guys, they had this idea of what it is. | ||
| My favorite fucking scene was the Joey Diaz bursting out naked to introduce us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I remember Zoe Friedman cried. | |
| It aged her like a president. | ||
| Where she became a frumpy old woman, looking at Joey Diaz, bursting through that, going, do you think this is what man's show is about? | ||
| Well, no, no, no. | ||
| That was before he did it. | ||
| Before he did it, she thought that. | ||
| And then once he did it, that became the number one thing on the show. | ||
| That was all the promos. | ||
| That was the thing. | ||
| Like, when they show the ads. | ||
| They only did it once, right? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| But when we did it, that became a part of the promos. | ||
| When Joey burst out naked and started dancing, that became a big part of the promo. | ||
| But before then, I said, I made a compromise. | ||
| I go, we'll do it your way first, and then we'll do it our way. | ||
| And then we don't have to show this again. | ||
| People can find it online. | ||
| But Joey's the best. | ||
| I'm so bummed out he's in New Jersey. | ||
| I'm trying to trick him into coming out here. | ||
| Once I open my club out here, I'm going to slowly trick him into coming out here. | ||
| I just have to figure out what's the proper strategy. | ||
| I'll come out here more because you're on the perfect side of the country. | ||
| Everything east of the 35 corridor goes all the way from the fucking bottom of Texas up through Kansas City and Minneapolis. | ||
| I could drive everything west of there the long route and listen to fucking audible books and be in bliss and in my most hyper-creative place. | ||
| You still got that white Suburban? | ||
| We call it the van. | ||
| We still tour in that fucking thing. | ||
| And you don't want someone to know. | ||
| You just had a fucking creeper come up to the door here. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want someone to know what you're driving. | ||
| That's why I have trained killers out there. | ||
| You know, I still, I do gigs in shitholes where they don't have a green room. | ||
| So I sit in the van and smoke cigarettes till fucking Chaley comes out and taps on the window, goes, come on in through the kitchen, we'll get you on stage. | ||
| And we call it mobile green room. | ||
| So we always call it the van on the podcast so people don't look for a white suburban. | ||
| Well, you shouldn't say that again. | ||
| We'll bleep that out. | ||
| No, no, no, don't bleep it out. | ||
| Bleep it out, James. | ||
| No, don't bleep it out. | ||
| You can put a rap on it. | ||
| Camouflage it. | ||
| People still say, oh, hey, you gave out... | ||
| My address is public. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I remember. | ||
| You had those people coming over to your house for the Super Bowl party. | ||
| But I was saying it's an open invitation to, like, the town. | ||
| And you said, so it's like anyone who shows up can go? | ||
| I go, yeah, but I was talking about the town. | ||
| So people still email me. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| You weren't. | ||
| You were on the podcast actively giving out your address, calling the world to come to Bisbee, Arizona to come to your party. | ||
| Don't bullshit me. | ||
| You were 100% saying you were putting it out there. | ||
| Okay, well, I might have been led into it because of the power dynamic. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| The power dynamic. | ||
| So it was never... | ||
| People still will randomly show up and they're taking pictures. | ||
| It's just a fucking house. | ||
| It's not a compound or anything. | ||
| It's got a lot of loud colors. | ||
| So we had a couple problems with people who think that I'm talking to them. | ||
| Oh, those guys. | ||
| What's the frequency, Kenneth? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you get any of the chip in the head guys? | ||
| Any of those guys? | ||
| I don't gauge them enough, but still, they think that the podcast is secretly talking to you, like Twyman, who murdered his mother, thought that Lorne Michaels... | ||
| Was telling him to come on Saturday Night Live. | ||
| Had a couple of those where fucking Chad Shank is great. | ||
| I don't do Facebook, but when he sees problems coming like that, he fucking gives me a head up. | ||
| So two times, once I had to... | ||
| Have you had to do a restraining order yet? | ||
| Not yet. | ||
| I had my first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I felt like, ooh, I'm someone to get my first restraining order. | |
| The second one, I warned the cops ahead of time. | ||
| And the guy, I'm watching on security camera as the guy's updating his Facebook and Chad Shank is updating. | ||
| Yep, he's in town. | ||
| He's hitchhiking. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And then I alerted the cops who fucking... | ||
| Bisbee cops have been so fucking cool with me. | ||
| Are you friends with the cops in your town? | ||
| Well, now a lot of them are judges. | ||
| They became judges? | ||
| Well, one of them, but they've all been cool with me. | ||
| A couple friends that are now judges. | ||
| Are you there for life? | ||
| Is that your spot now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Let me get to Comedian Grove in a minute. | ||
| Comedian Grove? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When I left on this trip, right before I left on Sunday, my buddy Raider found a spot where you go, oh, we could make Comedian Grove, like Bohemian Grove for comics. | ||
| And it was the first time that I really thought, oh, I could leave Bisbee and move there. | ||
| Comedian Grove, meaning you have a place that comics can all move to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where we could set up, it's got 17 casitas, 29,000 square... | ||
| What is a casita? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Little... | |
| Little houses? | ||
| Cabins, but southwest... | ||
| That's one of those things that I've read, but I've never looked up. | ||
| Like a casita? | ||
| Yeah, so they say cabin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With a main house that's 4,000 square feet, like a ballroom, which would be the showroom, 2,000 square feet... | ||
| 42 miles from a secondary airport where you go, oh, yeah, we could... | ||
| Do you remember the cave house outside of Bisbee? | ||
| Yeah, I talked about Vineet. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| I talked... | ||
| Yeah, and then we said if we... | ||
| It was a million dollars. | ||
| And I go, if we get 10 comics to pitch in, 100 grand, we could have this. | ||
| Like a fucking Comedians. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like you always had that idea of the League of Extraordinary Comedians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Like a Skull and Bones. | ||
| This would be a place we could have a performance space, 17 different places where people could come in, like a private club, free speech zone. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck they... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With a showroom, a vacation destination, and I spent half of this drive turning off my fucking Audible book. | ||
| Thinking about it. | ||
| Fucking fantasizing. | ||
| Listen, let's pause you right here. | ||
| Let's join voices. | ||
| Let's join forces, Doug Stanhope. | ||
| Austin, Texas is calling you. | ||
| That's what I'm doing here. | ||
| That's my plan. | ||
| My plan is to... | ||
| I mean, I've already got... | ||
| Tim Dillon moved here. | ||
| Fucking Dillon moved here? | ||
| Dillon moved here. | ||
| Tom Segura moved here. | ||
| He's on the road. | ||
| He's doing gigs. | ||
| It's the best place to do gigs because you're in the middle of the country. | ||
| You could fly... | ||
| It's the middle up, middle down. | ||
| I mean, it's not the middle down, but it's the middle left, middle right, the middle up. | ||
| It's like to get to everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's in the center. | |
| But that's... | ||
| This is making a new L.A. Uh-uh. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's making no Hollywood L.A. This is Bohemian Grove for comedy. | ||
| This is like an invite only. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| I just spent fucking three days fantasizing about this. | ||
| I understand, but I'm telling you. | ||
| Don't fantasy cockblock. | ||
| I'm not fantasy cock-blocking. | ||
| I moved here to do this. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why I moved here. | ||
| My plan was move here, get settled, live in a place where there's less people, and also separate stand-up comedy from the entertainment industry outside of comedy. | ||
| Because we're always been, like, entertainment industry adjacent, right? | ||
| Movies and TV shows, they corrupt comics in a way. | ||
| You know, in the opposite way you would think. | ||
| You know, you think of like people getting corrupted, it's usually for the worse. | ||
| But they get corrupted and they get watered down. | ||
| They become politically correct and woke and a part of the system. | ||
| We've seen it with talk show hosts and even comics that are good that start working in Hollywood. | ||
| They start quoting things like fucking Sacha Baron Cohen. | ||
| He made a Facebook message to Mark Zuckerberg asking him why a post from... | ||
| There's a legendary portrait artist from Australia. | ||
| Is it Lushux? | ||
| How do you say it? | ||
| A-U-S-H-U-X? I've never said his name out loud. | ||
| He's brilliant. | ||
| He's a brilliant portrait artist who does parody. | ||
| And Sacha Baron Cohen... | ||
| Was saying to Mark Zuckerberg, why do you still have this up? | ||
| It's a parody of Bill Gates with a needle, like a vaccine needle, saying, are you ready for your upgrade? | ||
| Or something along those lines. | ||
| It's just funny. | ||
| He did one of Elon Musk, after Elon Musk was on my show, smoking a joint. | ||
| He did that. | ||
| He does these massive murals, and he's a brilliant artist. | ||
| Sasha Baron Cohen. | ||
| Ali G. The fucking man. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| I love his work. | ||
| He's calling for parody to be taken down off of Facebook. | ||
| They get corrupted. | ||
| They get in. | ||
| They get in with this crowd of weird people who want to comply. | ||
| They all want everybody to be on the same page and we're working for social justice and inclusiveness. | ||
| And it's like, Jesus, man. | ||
| Like, your work is parody. | ||
| This is parody. | ||
| How did you get caught in this trap where you think that parody should be taken down? | ||
| This is so crazy. | ||
| Pull it up so we can see what it is. | ||
| Anybody that would think that this was real and this isn't kind of funny, look at this. | ||
| Time to install your update. | ||
| So you're saying Zuckerberg is taking this down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Who's fucking corrupted here? | ||
| No, you're not listening. | ||
| No, you said a lot of words. | ||
| Sacha Baron Cohen says, Mark Zuckerberg, how do you sleep at night? | ||
| Oh shit, Sacha Baron Cohen? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Oh, I thought you were saying... | ||
| No, look at this. | ||
| This is on Facebook's Instagram right now. | ||
| Your algorithm is still recommending lies about COVID vaccines. | ||
| How many people have to die before you act? | ||
| Stop death for profit. | ||
| He's being serious. | ||
| And this is... | ||
| This is a... | ||
| This guy... | ||
| Pull up some of Lushuk's other stuff. | ||
| Do you have any idea why that bolsters my opinion of a fucking place out in the middle of the fucking desert? | ||
| Here's another one. | ||
| Sorry, but he made it afterwards. | ||
| He did a... | ||
| That's, I guess, his version of Ali G. But pull up the one of Elon Musk. | ||
| He did a brilliant Elon Musk. | ||
| He's really good. | ||
| But the point is, he does brilliant stuff. | ||
| It's cool to see. | ||
| But Sasha Baron Cohen, you go out to Ali G and... | ||
| And Bruno and all his different... | ||
| It's all parody. | ||
| But he got caught up in thinking somehow or another that this parody piece, which is making fun of like QAnon people who think they're getting a fucking microchip installed with the vaccine. | ||
| He's making fun of them. | ||
| And Sacha Baron Cohen gets caught up in it. | ||
| They've bifurcated comedians. | ||
| He's going all out. | ||
| Now he's making fun of Ali G. Look, he's genius, man. | ||
| His stuff is really good. | ||
| Is that his Instagram? | ||
| What's his Instagram? | ||
| Lush Sucks, I think, is what it is. | ||
| Let's make sure we know what it is so we can tell everybody. | ||
| Oh, he keeps going after him! | ||
| There's absolutely no one in the comedic field that I think has more balls than fucking Sacha Baron Cohen. | ||
| No one. | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| He just got caught up in the thing. | ||
| He got caught up in the thing. | ||
| He's probably so successful now and he's probably hanging out with other successful people and all the Hollywood people. | ||
| He's out of the loop. | ||
| He should know who that guy is. | ||
| Everybody should know who that guy is. | ||
| That guy is really good. | ||
| He does these massive fucking murals too. | ||
| He's Australian, correct? | ||
| Yeah, he does these massive... | ||
| He's a really fucking talented artist. | ||
| So for him to be making fun of this QAnon meme of installing a microchip in a vaccine, and for Sacha Baron Cohen, stop death for profit? | ||
| Man! | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I get you didn't get it, but no, man. | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, Ollie G in the house, have you seen that? | ||
| It's one of my all-time favorite comedy movies. | ||
| It's Ollie G in a movie. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's fucking genius. | ||
| Where he starts fucking the guy thinking they're going to die. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was just one of the best scenes ever. | |
| Was that in that movie? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's the only movie I remember him in, other than the... | ||
| Dude, I bought a special VHS player just so I could play his old show from the UK. It's that old? | ||
| It's VHS? Well, back in the day it was. | ||
| See, here was the deal. | ||
| There was different regions. | ||
| Sorry, there's two parts of my brain working here, and one of them is I have to piss. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And that's one of the reasons I said, hey, why isn't Tim Dillon here? | ||
| So you could focus on him while I go piss. | ||
| Just tell me when you have to pee. | ||
| Don't worry about it, man. | ||
| Go pee. | ||
| Go pee. | ||
| I'll wait. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll wait. | |
| It's all good. | ||
| Talk to Jamie. | ||
| I'm going to talk to Jamie. | ||
| Yeah, have a discourse behind my back above me that I can listen to. | ||
| I will. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Nice pants. | ||
| Look at them. | ||
| They're PJs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're PJs. | |
| When I haven't seen Doug in a while, we have to get into a rhythm together. | ||
| This is what I feel like with him. | ||
| I love him to death. | ||
| I love him like a family member. | ||
| But I don't see him enough. | ||
| So we have to get into a rhythm when we start talking. | ||
| I just hope Sacha Baron Cohen doesn't think I don't like him. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| I'm a giant fan. | ||
| I think he's amazing. | ||
| I just think he didn't understand what was happening. | ||
| I just thought it was silly. | ||
| But my point was, and I'll explain it to... | ||
| I don't have to explain it to Doug. | ||
| He's not going to remember. | ||
| I'll explain it to you. | ||
| You know the regions thing on VHS recorders? | ||
| Do you know the old VHS? There was a region for VHS players in the UK, and it was like a different type of VHS tape. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| Vaguely. | ||
| I don't know how it worked though. | ||
| I know when this came out, I remember watching it, but that was still off the internet. | ||
| I might be fucking this up. | ||
| Now that I'm thinking about it, I might be fucking it up and confusing it with DVD players. | ||
| Is it a DVD player thing? | ||
| It may be. | ||
| Either way, it's some sort of a recording thing that you could only... | ||
| You can only play stuff from the United States if you bought one from the United States. | ||
| So if you tried to buy one of the... | ||
| Whether it's VHS or DVD, I can't remember because it's so long ago. | ||
| If you tried to buy them... | ||
| No, that's correct. | ||
| So the U.S. uses NTSC standards while UAK uses PAL, P-A-L standard, and it says they will not play on VHS standards. | ||
| Okay, so it was VHS. What was interesting is you would have to give a non-region VHS tape, a VHS player, and the VHS players that were really cheap for some reason would work on everything. | ||
| The ones that were more expensive would only work on US VHS tapes. | ||
| So I bought a special VHS player just to watch the Ali G stuff. | ||
| Because I loved him. | ||
| His interviews, like, by the way, Trump is one of the few guys that he didn't get. | ||
| Have you ever watched his interview with Trump? | ||
| Like, he sits down with Trump and he's doing his, like, Ali G thing where he does this character and he just acts like a moron. | ||
| And a lot of people got, like, really upset with him. | ||
| They didn't think it was funny at all. | ||
| But you could see Trump right away was like, what? | ||
| This is nonsense. | ||
| I'm just getting the fuck out of here. | ||
| But there were some legendary interviews where people, like, genuinely got upset with him. | ||
| One of the books I listened to on the way out, a guy who lives in Austin, Zha Zhang, wrote a book called Rejection Proof, where he was born in Beijing, and he lives in Austin, and he was trying to be an entrepreneur, but he found himself afraid of rejection. | ||
| So for 100 days, he went out every day and did something where he had to face rejection, and he would film it for a video blog back then, and he wrote a book about how he over... | ||
| But the things he was doing is like, I asked a man for $100. | ||
| And then I learned something from... | ||
| I asked a man if I could tie his shoes. | ||
| It was inspirational because it's very sweet and heartfelt and he was facing his own fears. | ||
| But the pranks were so, like, base level. | ||
| I'm like, if you had four gin and tonics, this would be a four-page book. | ||
| Like, fuck it, I'll just... | ||
| Ask. | ||
| And when you look at, you know, Sacha Baron Cohen, or even the Impractical Jokers, who I love. | ||
| It was nonsense things, but it was still inspirational. | ||
| But the fucking balls on that guy. | ||
| That's a good move, right? | ||
| If you're having a real hard time with people rejecting you, just go get rejected a lot. | ||
| That's what he did. | ||
| That's really bold. | ||
| Yeah, and he was facing his own fears, but he also had a lot of insight that went back to... | ||
| Evolutionary psychology. | ||
| And the hairs on the back of my neck stood up. | ||
| And I go, I just listened to that in a smart fuck book about, oh, that's why the hairs on your fucking back of your neck stand up is because your animal instinct is to look bigger. | ||
| You go, oh, wow. | ||
| Like dogs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cats. | ||
| Cats, too. | ||
| Cats arch their back, too. | ||
| Try to get bigger. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I had to piss and fucking ruin the entire flow of this. | ||
| No, you didn't ruin it at all. | ||
| It's, um... | ||
| It's weird because if you were a reductionist, you could look at someone get rejected and go, oh, get over it. | ||
| It's nothing. | ||
| They didn't hurt you. | ||
| They just said no. | ||
| But it's not real. | ||
| We know that's not real. | ||
| But that's what he gets into is exactly Darwinian theory about there's a reason that you don't You are afraid of rejection because in your ancestral place, yeah, rejection would make you not be an available mate, or you know what I'm saying. | ||
| Yes, I know what you're saying, yeah. | ||
| And it would wreck your confidence, and your confidence, I think it probably has- And then chicks wouldn't fuck you and you wouldn't spread your seed. | ||
| Right, but don't you think that has something to do, like the confidence thing, must have something to do with either fighting off enemies or predators? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I learned the pecking order, there's a reason they call it the pecking order, is because some naturalist realized, oh, chicken A will peck at chicken B, or chicken C will peck at D, but they don't do that. | ||
| D doesn't fight A because they know it would disrupt, they would lose, and then they wouldn't spread seed. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen it happen. | ||
| It's with chickens, rather. | ||
| Oh, I thought open mic night. | ||
| That, too. | ||
| I had to stop ourselves from getting into, oh, yeah, we know shit about fucking evolutionary psychology just because I read a fucking long book while I was scared of Alpine, Texas. | ||
| You know a touch. | ||
| You know, I think that that's one of the reasons why people are attracted to risk-takers, too. | ||
| And I think this has actually been proven, or it's at least, I shouldn't say proven, been theorized that, like, guys like dudes who do those BMX jumps and shit and guys who do, like, crazy risk-taking, like, things, there's something about that, that a person who's willing to risk their health and life is attractive to the opposite sex because that's a person who has courage. | ||
| Even though it's a weirdly bastardized form of courage, you know, it's not the courage to go fight The enemies of the town that are coming in to try to steal your women and children. | ||
| But it's courage nonetheless. | ||
| So we recognize that courage by itself is very powerful. | ||
| The ability to do something that's very dangerous and you can take a risk. | ||
| I think that even applies to why people are attracted to people that go on stage. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And that comes up in Zhejiang's book. | ||
| Adding humor and humor where humor fits into it. | ||
| It's a weird thing, right? | ||
| People like people that can handle shit. | ||
| Men and women, man. | ||
| If you find a woman who can take care of shit and handle a situation, like when things go sideways and she can laugh it off. | ||
| Or not be fucked up by the fact that you are going to live this life and you do your own thing. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It doesn't need you to go to theater with her to offset the time she went to fucking MMA with you. | ||
| How about you do your own thing? | ||
| And that's beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, the confidence to do your own thing. | ||
| And I think that's one thing where women in particular lose a lot of... | ||
| They lose a lot of respect for men when men cave. | ||
| That's the thing where the guy used to be into certain sports or something like that. | ||
| He's like, why do you watch that? | ||
| That's for morons. | ||
| And then he starts not watching it. | ||
| Why do you hang out with those guys? | ||
| They're idiots. | ||
| You think they're funny? | ||
| They're fucking idiots. | ||
| Stop hanging out with them. | ||
| Like... | ||
| And those women don't want to fuck those guys anymore. | ||
| It's so crazy that that's what happens. | ||
| When they beat a man down like that, separate him from his friends, don't let him play sports, don't let him get into things that she thinks are stupid. | ||
| Like, I dated a girl. | ||
| I've talked about this in the podcast before. | ||
| She was older than me. | ||
| I was like one of the few girls that I ever dated when I was young. | ||
| She was very hot, too, and fun. | ||
| And she would tell me what to do. | ||
| And I would listen. | ||
| I was 21 and she was 25. And I got in a car accident. | ||
| Some fucking guy... | ||
| I ran a light and slammed into my car. | ||
| And she, when my car was, we had to clean the car out because the car couldn't be driven. | ||
| She took my Whitesnake cassette and threw it away. | ||
| She made me throw it away. | ||
| I had a Whitesnake cassette. | ||
| Well, that's because here I go again on my own was on it. | ||
| And she goes, he's not going to have that anthem. | ||
| No, she was saying that it's stupid. | ||
| She's like, why do you listen to this? | ||
| This is so dumb. | ||
| And I was like, ooh, okay. | ||
| Like, I fucking just gave into it. | ||
| And then one day, years later, a fan who had heard the story sent me a cassette to the old, sitting on the old studio, right by Jamie's little amplifier. | ||
| It's a Whitesnake cassette. | ||
| But that was one of those things. | ||
| It's like, I knew where this was going. | ||
| I was like, okay, this girl's gonna keep telling me what to do. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| Bingo. | ||
| Bingo and I, our worlds don't collide often. | ||
| The hair does. | ||
| You have the same color hair? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| She's... | ||
| No, I had to... | ||
| Because Chaley, Tracy, and Bingo all have dyed hair. | ||
| That's our fucking team. | ||
| That's the team colors. | ||
| So when I did this early COVID... Just as a goof, I go, oh, now I can die. | ||
| Like, I did the mohawk first. | ||
| Yeah, I like it, dude. | ||
| And, uh, yeah, I think I might keep it. | ||
| I think you should keep it. | ||
| It felt perfect when I saw you. | ||
| I was like, that looks... | ||
| There's no better feeling than shaving your head. | ||
| Oh, to me, it's so nice. | ||
| It's so nice, because I was trying to keep up with my hair loss when I got to a point where I was like, this is never... | ||
| I'm losing this fight. | ||
| I need to tap out. | ||
| Yeah, our good friend from Alaska, Billy Badd, he did the same thing. | ||
| He almost died from his transplant. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He's got the same Charlie Brown... | ||
| Yeah, infection. | ||
| Imagine that. | ||
| So did... | ||
| What's the sports guy? | ||
| Joe Buck. | ||
| Joe Buck almost died from a hair transplant? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I'm sure he was on Stern talking about it. | ||
| But he still get the Charlie Brown scar in the back and he just fucking wears it well. | ||
| But he's a badass like you. | ||
| That's why they call him Billy Ben. | ||
| This is my public service announcement. | ||
| Just accept your hair loss. | ||
| If you look at me from the back of the head, I want you to make fun of me. | ||
| Feel bad. | ||
| Feel bad. | ||
| There's a big stupid smile. | ||
| My forehawk... | ||
| It just goes back to my bald spot. | ||
| Yeah, perfect. | ||
| It's a thing, you know, if you have a good shaped head, it's a lot easier. | ||
| I have a friend who has a flat head. | ||
| I have a friend who's, the back of his head is totally flat. | ||
| Well, mine's the opposite. | ||
| I wish I could trade. | ||
| It's got extra brain back there. | ||
| Yeah, it's alien. | ||
| It's memories. | ||
| Yeah, they're big long ones. | ||
| Like, they do that with planks. | ||
| They squeeze people's heads. | ||
| But, like, I think it might take men longer To realize it doesn't fucking matter what you look like if you have a personality. | ||
| Well, it definitely matters what you look like, but it doesn't matter enough for you to be spending all your time thinking about it. | ||
| And there's other things to think about. | ||
| Like, your personality is the most important thing. | ||
| Like, it's everything. | ||
| If you don't have that, yeah, you don't have anything. | ||
| We could list all the people that should never have gotten late in their life, but they're fucking cool or they can play music or whatever. | ||
| Yeah, they got some talent. | ||
| The looks are the last thing. | ||
| I knew a guy was in a band, and he was not a good looking guy. | ||
| And he had terrible genetics. | ||
| Just one of those guys. | ||
| And he had this smoking hot girlfriend, and she just ran the show. | ||
| She just ran the show. | ||
| You know, he's this, like, feeble fellow and just wasn't, like, good with confrontation. | ||
| And he wasn't, uh, gigantically successful, but he was successful enough that, like, it was starting to get to him. | ||
| There was a little pressure. | ||
| And then he was always, like, checking in on this super hot girlfriend. | ||
| You okay? | ||
| You need anything? | ||
| Like, there was, like, she was, like, his handler. | ||
| Have you been that guy? | ||
| No, I haven't been that guy. | ||
| Except that one relationship with that 25-year-old woman. | ||
| I didn't mean anything. | ||
| No, it's okay. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| But it was weird to watch. | ||
| It was like a predator wasp had taken over a bumblebee and just controlling the bumblebee. | ||
| And the bee's like, where should I go? | ||
| Where should I do? | ||
| But that bumblebee had talent. | ||
| That bumblebee could sing his ass off. | ||
| So he'd be out. | ||
| And then he'd get off stage immediately, grab her and kiss her, mouth kiss her in front of everybody. | ||
| That was his thing. | ||
| He wanted everybody to know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's, um, the dynamics, like power dynamics like that are very weird with people. | ||
| I have some questions I wrote on the road. | ||
| That's why I was so fucking jacked coming in here after three days of driving, is all of those thoughts about, okay, oh, I can talk to him about this, and then, oh, I'm going there, I can't remember three days of thoughts, I'm gonna belch them all out like a breach, birth, fucking abortion, all in the first 30 minutes and have nothing to say. | ||
| Douglas will always have something to say. | ||
| It went to nowhere because I don't know enough references of new comics or new hot comics. | ||
| I was going to do the Power Dynamic game. | ||
| I'll save this for Kreischer because he loves games. | ||
| Does he? | ||
| Yeah, like we always would like, okay, we're going to do top three comics that you could tour with if you wanted to tour and like, okay... | ||
| I picked Chappelle, and I go, Bamford! | ||
| You're like, fuck, I should have picked Bamford! | ||
| Back and forth. | ||
| But it was the power dynamic game, where if there were two, like, equal parties, and they had a relationship, let's just say the easy Kreischer-Segura, let's say they were in a gay relationship, and one of them wanted to say the other one took advantage of me. | ||
| Because of their power dynamic. | ||
| But you have to make it difficult. | ||
| Like, okay, who does have... | ||
| You just said Moshi and... | ||
| Natasha. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know either of them, you know, well enough. | ||
| Like, who would have the power dynamic that they could claim he took advantage of me because... | ||
| I don't think they do have... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or she... | |
| I don't think either one of them have it. | ||
| I think that's one of the reasons why they work so well. | ||
| I think they're both really funny. | ||
| That's why it's... | ||
| It's a game. | ||
| We started this with who would you rather day drink with? | ||
| Bukowski or Hunter S. Thompson? | ||
| Hunter. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Day drink is a different thing, Joe. | ||
| Day drink means you're just sullen at a fucking... | ||
| The light's coming through the tavern door. | ||
| Hunter would be way too fucking ecstatic to go shoot things. | ||
| He's a night drunk. | ||
| I think Bukowski. | ||
| But the power dynamic game, I gave up on because I don't know enough of the fucking... | ||
| I would take either. | ||
| I would be super excited to drink with Bukowski. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| But when it comes to a fan of the work... | ||
| We stopped playing that game, by the way, when no one could top Bill Murray. | ||
| Oh yeah, he's the best, right? | ||
| You'd want to hang out with him. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Number one. | ||
| Bucket list. | ||
| Bill Murray would be number one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, you know, that's over people. | ||
| Yeah, I guess so. | ||
| I'm going to my notes. | ||
| Two other things. | ||
| Bukowski would be great to hang with, no doubt. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| One of the things that I love about Bukowski more than anything is that he was in the post office until he was like in his 40s. | ||
| I used to use him as a negative inspiration. | ||
| In my 30s, where I, like, be lazy, and I go, ah, fuck it. | ||
| Bukowski didn't write shit until he was, like, 43 years old, so I would use that as negative inspiration for why I can not work, because now I'm 53. Well, there's, like, you get a different... | ||
| You get a different product, right? | ||
| It's like, you could cook a steak, and you could sear it for five minutes on each side, or you could cook a brisket, and it takes 18 hours. | ||
| They're very different things. | ||
| You could do it both ways. | ||
| You could start off and be gung-ho out of the gate when you're 21 years old, or you could be a fucking Bukowski. | ||
| But you don't get a Bukowski if you're gung-ho out of the gate when you're 21 years old. | ||
| You get a Bukowski after the work, after like... | ||
| Struggling at a job, bad relationships. | ||
| But I would just focus on his age going, okay, I don't have to do anything until then. | ||
| You have to understand. | ||
| You have to drive from Tucson. | ||
| Where you get to Van Horn and go, should I take the scenic route through Marfa and Alpine? | ||
| Or should I go right to Fort Stockton and check into a fucking horrible hotel that I'm terrified to go in with a pink mohawk in West Texas? | ||
| And do I wear a mask? | ||
| Are they going to mock me for wearing a mask? | ||
| Yeah, you should cover the mohawk up with a hat. | ||
| Motel Kitzmiller in fucking Fredericksburg. | ||
| I have to give a shout out to them because that was a place. | ||
| I don't know if this is a sketchy motel or if it's retro. | ||
| And I go, you know, fucking... | ||
| Texas is a scary place if you don't know where you are. | ||
| And this guy, before I could hand him my ID, he said, just want you to know I'm a big fan. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, thank God, because I didn't know if I was going to get fucking murdered here. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Texas has got a lot of open space. | ||
| That's the weird part about it. | ||
| Like, you feel like you could drive for days. | ||
| It just feels like that. | ||
| There's some spots where you're like, wow, there's like nothing out here. | ||
| There's a long road where there's not a lot out there. | ||
| And you get this weird feeling of like, man, if I just vanished, how long would it take before they found me? | ||
| Yeah, this is... | ||
| Well, if you don't know, you have seen No Country for Old Men. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's West Texas. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So I was thinking... | ||
| Perfect reference. | ||
| Joe Rogan... | ||
| Do you think, at your best moment, a better host or a better guest? | ||
| Are you giving me the booger sign? | ||
| No, no, I'm scratching my nose. | ||
| Oh, good. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Okay, well, the question evolved as the miles went by to, if you were on the Howard Stern show... | ||
| One shot only. | ||
| Of the five places on the Howard Stern Show, where would your personality best fit in? | ||
| As the host, the guest, the Artie chair, the Fred chair, we all know that's Greg Chaley's chair. | ||
| I thought I would be the best Robin Quivers. | ||
| Would you be the best guest for one episode or the best host? | ||
| Because you kind of do both here. | ||
| His show is so different, though. | ||
| His show is so different than any other show. | ||
| He's way away from everybody, and he's up in that podium. | ||
| It's like an interview. | ||
| He's doing an interview. | ||
| I'm saying there's two open spots on the Howard Stern show that we have to fill in for. | ||
| I'd probably be the Artie. | ||
| Take the Artie chair. | ||
| I did that a few times, you know. | ||
| So did I. Yeah. | ||
| I did it back after Jackie left. | ||
| To me, that was like when Jackie left the Howard Stern show. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| How can they break up? | ||
| I sat in auditioning for the Artie chair, knowing that even if I got it, it would be a coin flip, or it would be a hard decision. | ||
| If they offered me the job, would I live in New York City to take that job? | ||
| Yeah, I've never been really interested in living in New York. | ||
| I think New York is good for two things. | ||
| It's good for doing short comedy sets, and it's good for playing pool. | ||
| There's a lot of pool halls in New York City. | ||
| You get to hop around, go to good places, and find good players. | ||
| Yeah, I forget you're a shark. | ||
| I'm not a shark. | ||
| I'm terrible. | ||
| I'm terrible now, man. | ||
| I played last night. | ||
| Embarrassing. | ||
| I just don't have a table here. | ||
| I could never play on a legit big table. | ||
| Bar tables, quarter tables. | ||
| Those are fun. | ||
| On acid, I had my best pool games ever. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| You're more in tune with what's going on. | ||
| That was the dumb question. | ||
| The guys who used to gamble a lot used to take... | ||
| I think they called them black beauties. | ||
| I believe... | ||
| Look up what... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Speed. | |
| It is speed. | ||
| Some kind of amphetamines. | ||
| And they would gamble for like 16, 17 hours in a row. | ||
| And they would all do... | ||
| The best pool players from the day in the 70s were all speed freaks. | ||
| And there was one of them, the guy's named Buddy Hall... | ||
| Buddy Hall wrote a book. | ||
| It's a crazy book because it's so obviously... | ||
| It's him and his friend Woody. | ||
| Woody wrote it down. | ||
| I have a copy of it, but it's a rare book. | ||
| You have to buy a used copy of it. | ||
| And this book is basically about his gambling days when he's this young kid. | ||
| In Kentucky, they called him the Rifleman and he would just get fired up on speed and play people like $10,000 and fucking just never miss. | ||
| He was like this legendary guy. | ||
| Like Buddy Hall is like one of the best pool players of all time. | ||
| But like in his day, it wasn't just that he was a great pool player, he's a gambler and like a stone cold killer. | ||
| Like you would bring in guys from the Philippines and they would have fucking backers and piles of cash. | ||
| It's like every which way but loose. | ||
| But it was legit, and they would go to play the Rifleman. | ||
| They would bring him for big money games, and he just would hold up. | ||
| He would win. | ||
| He would beat everybody. | ||
| And he was doing it. | ||
| A lot of these games, these guys were all speeded up. | ||
| And apparently, I've never done amphetamines like that, but they say that when you're playing pool and you're on speed, not only can you stay awake, but you see things, like super sharp and clear. | ||
| You see the angles. | ||
| It's like it's all mapped out for you. | ||
| Yeah, acid. | ||
| This was a comedown of acid, which is different than peaking, where the felt wasn't breathing. | ||
| This is when you're coming down. | ||
| You've got to see what this dude looks like. | ||
| Pull up a photo of Buddy Hall from the 1970s. | ||
| That's what you want to see. | ||
| You want to see bell-bottom Buddy Hall when he was real thin, because he got real big as he got older, when he got off the speed. | ||
| But... | ||
| You know, they all did it. | ||
| That was the thing that players all did, and he talked about it in his book, and they've talked about it in other books, too, that would talk about pool. | ||
| These guys that would gamble for hours and hours at a time, they would all do it on speed. | ||
| That's him. | ||
| That was him back in the day. | ||
| Go to that picture above it, though. | ||
| That was a little later in his life. | ||
| That one right there. | ||
| That's him when he's young, and that's Earl Strickland, who's another one of the greatest players of all time. | ||
| And that's probably from the early 80s, if I had to guess. | ||
| And that guy to the left, that one with no beard right there, the lower corner, that's Buddy Hall. | ||
| That's Buddy Hall when he was in his prime. | ||
| Jay Leno? | ||
| That's Buddy Hall when he was in his prime and they would bring him around to places. | ||
| And guys would seek him out to play him. | ||
| But he did this for decades and decades. | ||
| Billiards is kind of like bowling where if you get too good at it, it sucks. | ||
| This guy's going to run the table or maybe miss one shot. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| This guy's either going to get a strike or a spare. | ||
| Yeah, but bowling, you're seeing the same thing every time. | ||
| You're seeing variations once you knock one pin or another, but it's basically like a break shot over and over and over again. | ||
| The complexity of pool is so much more interesting to me because there's so many options. | ||
| Every game is different, and it's all about getting angles to... | ||
| Yeah, but it's like... | ||
| If you know the game. | ||
| If you know the game and you're watching a guy like Buddy Hall play, it's art form. | ||
| It's an art. | ||
| Like, he's known for being, like, this slow, smooth player. | ||
| Like, he never does anything, like, erratic. | ||
| Everything is perfect cue ball control. | ||
| It's just so much precision that if you're a person who plays and you know how hard it is to do what he's doing, it's an art form. | ||
| Tracy, J. Lee's Tracy, she is a hockey fanatic. | ||
| So when football would end and hockey would start, it's just the same dudes that there's no football anymore. | ||
| And she'd put on hockey. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| It's just really fast. | ||
| You think it's all luck. | ||
| And she would have to explain the rules. | ||
| Like it's a bunch of dudes that are sad without football. | ||
| And here's this chick that's like, no, well, this is what icing means. | ||
| And this is what offsides is. | ||
| And this is high sticking. | ||
| And then I still never appreciated it till she made me watch the All-Star game where they do this skills competition. | ||
| And then it's like fucking Harlem Globetrotters. | ||
| Guys are bouncing, dribbling a puck on top of their stick and then fucking whipping it under their legs and fucking hitting coffee cups out of fucking cutouts and like, oh, it's not all luck. | ||
| There is skill involved in this. | ||
| Oh, there's super skill. | ||
| Hockey's fun to watch. | ||
| But if you don't know the skill, a lot of that's wasted. | ||
| If you don't know the game, a lot of that's wasted. | ||
| You know what they did with hockey that's really smart? | ||
| They put that circle over the puck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So when you watch it on TV... That's like 15, fucking 20 years ago. | |
| Yeah, but that's as many times as I've watched hockey. | ||
| I know, I just love it when you're as fucking dated as I am. | ||
| Even though you're a kid. | ||
| Did I tell you that I watched, that I rather used to help train Bobby Orr? | ||
| I used to work at the Boston Athletic Club when I was 19. I teach people to lift weights and stuff like that. | ||
| I was a trainer. | ||
| And I used to help Bobby Orr get on to the VersaClimber. | ||
| He had so many knee surgeries. | ||
| It was the craziest shit you've ever seen. | ||
| Both sides of his knees were just covered in scars. | ||
| People have no idea what fucking athletes go through. | ||
| Why are they getting paid more than our teachers? | ||
| Because they fucking die early. | ||
| Yeah, and his surgeries that he went through... | ||
| I mean, we're talking a long-ass time ago when they opened you up like a fish and stitched shit together and it all blew apart. | ||
| They didn't know how to make it... | ||
| And you had to bite on a ruler and saw your leg off. | ||
| Oh, wait, that's a civil war. | ||
| His leg... | ||
| No, it was a little different than that. | ||
| His legs didn't... | ||
| They don't extend. | ||
| They don't fully lock out. | ||
| They were always, like, partially bent and there was a range of motion of just, like, a few degrees. | ||
| He couldn't, like, really get up onto the machine. | ||
| So you had to kind of help him. | ||
| Like he had to put like one leg up and then the other leg up. | ||
| Couldn't be the nicer guy. | ||
| Super nice guy. | ||
| And you almost couldn't believe it was really Bobby Orr. | ||
| I remember I swore around him once. | ||
| Someone said something and I was like, get the fuck out of here with that nonsense. | ||
| And then Bobby Orr was like, oh, look at the language these kids today are using. | ||
| And I remember being so embarrassed. | ||
| Like, oh my god. | ||
| I swore around Bobby Orr. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a piece of shit I am. | |
| That was back when I was convinced I was a piece of shit too. | ||
| Can I go back to my next question? | ||
| Do you really want to go through those? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The next question was, and I put this on Twitter as a poll, but I really thought it was an interesting question for you. | ||
| Would you rather be the first person to take an untested vaccine or the first person to ride in the backseat on the freeway of a driverless car? | ||
| Oh, take the driverless car all day. | ||
| You'd be the first person to do that? | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Well, untested vaccine? | ||
| I don't want to be there to test it. | ||
| Untested, but it's an untested driverless car. | ||
| I understand that. | ||
| Would you be... | ||
| I would imagine the driverless car, there's more... | ||
| You're on the freeway. | ||
| More examination of the possibilities. | ||
| They kind of have the camera situation set up. | ||
| Have you ever driven in a driverless car? | ||
| Have you ever driven in a Tesla when it does it? | ||
| That's what made me think of this, is you have a Tesla, and I thought maybe one perk is maybe you give me a ride around the block. | ||
| You're hanging out with Berth Kreischer too much, and you're trying to turn this into a fucking game show. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| Well, then we could just skip it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Maybe I would do the car thing. | ||
| I wrote it down, so I thought I'd say it. | ||
| I'd do the card thing, or if I was talking to a scientist that made the vaccine, if they had some reasonable explanation. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| It would have to be like, you know, this is why we know this vaccine's safe, and we don't have to worry about it at all. | ||
| You can pull your notes out. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| I can't even read them. | ||
| I don't have my readers on. | ||
| Use my readers. | ||
| I have mine right here. | ||
| I brought the orange tinted ones. | ||
| Those are fresh. | ||
| Well, they also hide the bags under your eyes a little bit. | ||
| The same way I love the mask, because I have crow's feet. | ||
| When I wear the mask in a supermarket, crow's feet let people know that I'm smiling without having to see my ugly yellow teeth. | ||
| And I use these, and I brought them for getting, oh, it's been a year. | ||
| This isn't Zoom. | ||
| I don't need reading glasses. | ||
| We need a thing on your mask where you can hit a button and it makes like a Cheshire cat grin. | ||
| Like it pops up in LEDs. | ||
| I did buy a bunch of the stupid novelty masks where I have a beard and a stupid missing tooth or whatever. | ||
| I didn't even go to a fucking supermarket. | ||
| Do you want me to read those? | ||
| No, I'm just seeing if any of them are any good. | ||
| But you're doing this thing. | ||
| This dredge. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That's a fucking... | ||
| Oh, in Bisbee? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Michael Bean lives there now. | ||
| Who's Michael Bean? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You know who he is. | ||
| He was... | ||
| I can never remember. | ||
| He was the original guy in the first Terminator that comes back. | ||
| He's in the Abyss. | ||
| He's in Aliens 2. I think he was in the second Terminator, right? | ||
| No, he was in the first Terminator, second Aliens, and the Abyss where he swears, I wasn't a bad guy in that. | ||
| Nah, you kind of were. | ||
| Everyone sees you like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So we're going to start a podcast. | ||
| You and I, too. | ||
| I'll tell you the premise afterwards. | ||
| Let's go back to... | ||
| We were talking about this before you left to pee. | ||
| Whether you would hang out with Bukowski or Hunter S. Thompson. | ||
| Both would be great. | ||
| It would be a different thing. | ||
| But day drinking, as a veteran drunk, there is a difference between day drinking... | ||
| Where today I'm day drinking. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I don't want to go fucking do shit with you. | ||
| I don't want to go MMA and up. | ||
| Yeah, you just want to lounge. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to go out with Hunter and fucking blow shit up. | ||
| That's a nighttime thing. | ||
| I don't think he always did that, though. | ||
| If you look at his whatever routine that they documented that was famous for being a ridiculous list that you could read online of all the different shit that he did during the day. | ||
| And then who turned that into a song? | ||
| Fitzsimmons and I were reading the list and... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As he looks that up, I'll say... | ||
| Because I'll go back to the Howard Stern thing. | ||
| Would you fire Jamie to get Fred Norris... | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm being silly. | ||
| And it's going to get worse as I drink and turn into Huntress. | ||
| Mostly what he was doing was coke and drinking all day long. | ||
| He just hung out and did coke and drank and then waited until 6 o'clock in the afternoon and then he would start writing. | ||
| You've never done coke? | ||
| No. | ||
| The last thing you want with a day drinker is someone who talks a lot. | ||
| You fucking slouch with your seahorse posture and you look at the other guy and you go, I wonder what he really was doing during the days. | ||
| I mean, how much of it is just folklore and mythology? | ||
| Because it's fun. | ||
| It's a fun mythology. | ||
| I remember reading Stedman's You brought this up earlier about comedians. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't have that constitution. | ||
| I'm a one drunk... | ||
| Everything I do in my career, if it's a show, that's why I only do one show a night, because I drink the perfect amount to have a confident show... | ||
| You do a million things a day. | ||
| Imagine if you had to blow a load for all of your projects. | ||
| Okay, I'm going to do two podcasts, then I'm going to go do fucking 30 minutes at the comedy store, and then I'm going to fly to... | ||
| But imagine if you had to fucking actually ejaculate at everything you do during a day. | ||
| I'm good for one load a day, so I'm a one drunk a day person. | ||
| I'm not leaving here to go do sets at a place. | ||
| Uh... | ||
| I forget my point. | ||
| As you stare at me awkwardly. | ||
| I'm just waiting for you to finish. | ||
| I was waiting for you to say, yeah, I couldn't do that. | ||
| But the look you gave me was like, I could blow four loads a day. | ||
| The last four would be sad. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| The last three. | ||
| It's also like, there's an art form to doing less. | ||
| There's definitely something to be said for having less things. | ||
| I would like to live multiple lives simultaneously. | ||
| So I could just pursue my individual interests in each one of those lives. | ||
| And just singularly, you know, not think about business stuff, just think about one thing that I like to do, and just live like that. | ||
| Because there's a real, it's really attractive to me, people that just get dedicated to, whether it is painting or just making music, whatever it is, you've got one thing that you're dedicated to. | ||
| I think that's something very interesting about that to me. | ||
| I don't even have the attention span for a lap dance, and I can't remember the last time I was even in a titty bar, but someone would buy you a lap dance, like Don King. | ||
| I don't know if he's still around here. | ||
| The titty bar king of Austin. | ||
| He would be like, yeah, after your Austin show, we'll bring you to the fucking yellow rose, or he flip-flopped between the titty bars. | ||
| I'll buy you a lap dance. | ||
| I don't have the attention span. | ||
| Like, I don't know how to react to the girl. | ||
| Like, I'm too old to go, ooh, you're so hot. | ||
| I'm looking at the other dancers, and that's in a three-minute song. | ||
| So your attention span. | ||
| I don't know how you're so well-adjusted. | ||
| I mean, you do drink. | ||
| You fucking smoke weed all the time, and you still persevere professionally. | ||
| You're baffling to me. | ||
| Yeah, I just do what I do. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It doesn't seem that hard to me. | ||
| I know people that do really hard things, so it's not that hard in comparison. | ||
| It's also baffling to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You told me I was fucking... | ||
| Before you even moved here, you said, hey, I'm moving to Austin. | ||
| If I fly you out, will you do my podcast? | ||
| And I said, no, but I'll drive out. | ||
| And you go, you drive that far? | ||
| You're fucking crazy! | ||
| I don't think I said it like that. | ||
| Yeah, you did. | ||
| I know because it made me feel powerful. | ||
| Like, oh, Joe Rogan wouldn't drive fucking two days? | ||
| I would drive that. | ||
| It's boring. | ||
| I find it boring. | ||
| I don't like to be in a car for 16 hours. | ||
| Yeah, it's my special place. | ||
| But I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get it that a lot of people enjoy it, man. | ||
| They like long road trips and listening to books on tape and chilling and just thinking. | ||
| A lot of people really enjoy it. | ||
| Again, west of the 35 corridor. | ||
| You get me fucking... | ||
| I went through Fredericksburg on the 290. I went that way because I have a growing vertigo problem behind the wheel. | ||
| And what do they call them? | ||
| Like clover leaves or the connectors? | ||
| Oh, those things freak you out? | ||
| Like, to a point... | ||
| Where my arms, well, you know when you lift a weight, you would know. | ||
| You lift a weight to a point where, like, if you pick up a coffee cup afterwards, you don't know if you're going to smash it or drop it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I get like that with vertigo, where I go, I can't. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I can't. | ||
| What does it do to you? | ||
| Like, other than shake, make you shake, what's going on in your head when you... | ||
| Again, I don't understand cause and effect. | ||
| I don't know what's creating that fear. | ||
| But my lucid dreaming has become so... | ||
| You know that feeling in a dream where you're in a high precipice and you think you're gonna fall. | ||
| Now in a dream, I can jump off of it. | ||
| I know, oh, I'm in a dream. | ||
| I can fucking... | ||
| I'm jumping. | ||
| I'm gonna float or fly or sink slowly and safely to the ground. | ||
| I get the same feeling in real life on a high... | ||
| We were crossing the Mississippi once. | ||
| And I was behind the wheel and I started to have this panic attack and fucking Chaley's editing in the passenger seat. | ||
| And I'm like, take the wheel, take the wheel. | ||
| I'm freaking out a bit. | ||
| So now I need to be a fucking regular dosage of Xanax. | ||
| Hold on, before you get into that, let me take you back to the lucid dreaming thing. | ||
| Like, when did that start? | ||
| Over the years. | ||
| Recently? | ||
| Well, no, over many years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Five years? | |
| How many years? | ||
| It's getting better all the time. | ||
| You're better at lucid dreaming than you were before. | ||
| Was it a... | ||
| I had to come out this morning. | ||
| I took a Seroquel, which I try not to take. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that? | |
| It's a very powerful anti-psychotic that... | ||
| It's probably bad for your liver. | ||
| Why are you taking an antipsychotic? | ||
| Because I fucking sleep. | ||
| I can sleep like 14 hours. | ||
| I'll get up to piss. | ||
| Go, like, lucidly out of the dream, remembering the dream, and go back, hang on, I have to piss. | ||
| Just like I pissed here on the podcast, I can get up out of a dream, say, please hold, dream, piss, lucidly, I'm not in a closet like Sean Rouse. | ||
| So Seraquil does that for you? | ||
| Yeah, and that's why I use it very sparingly. | ||
| Jesus Christ, that sounds amazing. | ||
| It's fucking the best. | ||
| What else does it do, though? | ||
| What's the bad part? | ||
| The problem is you cannot share dreams with people. | ||
| I know it's a hack premise, but where I woke up this morning, I went to bed after fucking Red Band finally called me. | ||
| And told me, oh, yeah, I prompted Joe Rogan to finally respond to you. | ||
| What time am I going to be? | ||
| I didn't know what time I'm supposed to be here. | ||
| He told me the address. | ||
| I think you were texting the wrong number. | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| No, no, myth me. | ||
| Myth me. | ||
| If you want to put a half a million dollar bet, I'll use your half million as a down payment on that fucking Comedian Grove. | ||
| That's Comedian Grove. | ||
| I'll show you the texts. | ||
| We were just saying something, though. | ||
| Yeah, about lucid dreaming. | ||
| Lucid dreams. | ||
| So, I was in such a state when I woke up this morning from dreams where, you know the dream where you wake up and go, oh, fucking thank God everything was going for me. | ||
| Right, but this is what I want to know. | ||
| Did the lucid dreams start independently of the Seroquel stuff? | ||
| Oh, no, since I was a kid. | ||
| Oh, you've always had lucid dreams. | ||
| I remember when I was probably an early teenager, the first time that I could correlate that stomach drop feeling of when you're about to fall off of something, but you could fly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you have flying dreams? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But those have grown. | ||
| Where, okay, now I can fly. | ||
| Now I know I'm in a dream. | ||
| I can kind of control it. | ||
| I know what's going on. | ||
| And I can wake up and piss and go back to bed and get right back into the same dream. | ||
| Did you read books about this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Is this something that you just figured out as you were doing it, as you were having these lucid dreams? | ||
| Yeah, but the same problem that everyone who has dreams, you can't quite remember it, but the feeling, the stomach drop feeling, the, oh, I'm floating. | ||
| Things that connect your brain back to, okay, I know I'm in a dream, but I'm not going to wake up. | ||
| Let's fuck with this. | ||
| But you got better over the years just by having lucid dreams over and over again and realizing what's the thing that you do that gets you out of the dream. | ||
| Don't do that and just figure out what to do to stay in that state. | ||
| Sometimes you wake up or sometimes you're only alerted to the fact that you're dreaming because you hit bap, bap, bap. | ||
| Oh, I get a text message. | ||
| Okay, reality's on the outside. | ||
| It's fucking me up. | ||
| Shut off your phone before you go to bed. | ||
| But the Syroquil is more extreme. | ||
| It makes you sleep longer? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know the science behind it. | ||
| But is the Syroquil making you have more lucid dreams or better control of your lucid dreams? | ||
| It's making me sleep longer and making me more aware that I'm in a dream. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just, I know Seroquel dreams. | ||
| I've fucking lived an entire, these altered states. | ||
| Where I woke up and I'm like, is there still a receipt in my pocket from that dream that I can prove there's two different worlds? | ||
| It was that fucked up, but you can't explain that to people. | ||
| I wanted to call anyone. | ||
| I woke up and I was like, it was just a dream. | ||
| There's a movie about recording dreams that was pretty fucking good that I saw the other night. | ||
| I think it's called Come True. | ||
| And it's about apparently there is some technology that they're working on right now where they can record certain aspects of your thoughts. | ||
| Like if you're thinking about a triangle, it'll show an image of a triangle. | ||
| And they think they're going to get to the point Where they're going to be able to get at least some sort of a reasonable facsimile of the visuals that you're having in your dreams. | ||
| Oh my god, wouldn't that fuck with cancel culture? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If we could go, oh, hey, what were you thinking about when you heard this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's what's really going to fuck cancel culture is when we get mind reading software. | ||
| When we get Neuralink and mind-reading software, people are going to recognize intent. | ||
| That's going to be a thing. | ||
| Whether it's 50 years from now or 100 years from now, they're going to be able to figure out when you're just being a cunt. | ||
| When you're really trying to change the world and make it for the better, or whether you want people to think better of you. | ||
| And in the meantime, all it takes is a few dedicated PIs to follow around. | ||
| What's that cunt from fucking TMZ? The guy that... | ||
| Yeah, all of them. | ||
| Until you can read his thoughts, go through his trash, fucking follow him like Scientologists do, and find out what dirt do we have on you. | ||
| Hey, I'm canceling TMZ because they went through my trash and found a few text messages that were printed. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| We're going to be able to read each other's intentions for sure. | ||
| Maybe not within our lifetime, but in time. | ||
| They're getting closer and closer to figuring out what's going on in your head during all sorts of different things. | ||
| During anger, during passion, during love, during hate, during jealousy. | ||
| Intent is everything. | ||
| Well, that's the thing. | ||
| It's going to kill comedy. | ||
| You know, mind reading software is going to destroy comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| All that mind reading software. | ||
| It would save me. | ||
| If I were even cancelable, my intent is always... | ||
| Well, sometimes. | ||
| But in my comedy, my intent is always positive. | ||
| And I sleep good at night knowing that. | ||
| Yeah, your intent is always positive and to get laughs. | ||
| The weird thing about cancel culture and comedy is that they exist simultaneously at the same time. | ||
| Comedy is like the things you're saying inappropriate things most of the time. | ||
| Things that would get you fired from almost every other occupation and it's part of the occupation. | ||
| But how did they figure out how to split comedy into wings? | ||
| If there were as many Genres? | ||
| Genres of how they... | ||
| There's like 18 kind of gender slash sexualities now, but... | ||
| If you're only two wings, like, oh, he's left wing, he's right wing. | ||
| So stupid. | ||
| Like, fucking legions of skanks is this right wing culture. | ||
| No, don't. | ||
| I'm not a wing. | ||
| I've never been political. | ||
| I'm pragmatic. | ||
| I have fucking opinions about stuff, and we both agree that we don't know shit about what we're talking about half the time. | ||
| I'm all over the place with my leanings. | ||
| Unless I take a 22-second clip and make it viral, then you're a fucking... | ||
| Then I'm a right-wing lunatic. | ||
| I was fixating on you this morning where... | ||
| Sorry, go ahead. | ||
| No, go ahead. | ||
| When I see comics that I know and respect, and when I say I know them... | ||
| Comedians pretty much know each other. | ||
| I don't know them personally. | ||
| But when they take pot shots at you on fucking Twitter, usually comics like when Dane Cook... | ||
| Well, people are jealous of my fame. | ||
| People are jealous of a dollar amount that you made on fucking Spotify. | ||
| I think most of those comics are considering... | ||
| If I had this... | ||
| This reach. | ||
| If I could influence people, I would do it different than what Joe Rogan's doing. | ||
| And they think you're different. | ||
| No, you're just a fucking dumber like me that has a podcast that somehow went fucking huge with due respect to your effort. | ||
| But you're doing nothing different than you were doing 10 years ago when you started this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| The idea is that since you influence people, you should change what you're doing. | ||
| Because what you're doing is influential. | ||
| I think a lot of comics say, well, if I had that much reach, I would steer people in a different direction. | ||
| For sure, there's jealousy involved. | ||
| There's always jealousy involved with comedians. | ||
| So many comedians are narcissists that anytime anyone's doing well, they get upset. | ||
| I experienced it personally myself. | ||
| I used to feel that way when I was younger. | ||
| I've talked about it openly. | ||
| I would see people being successful and I would want them to fail because it would make me feel better. | ||
| I'd want But I don't think that's the case with you. | ||
| But there's a part of it. | ||
| There's a part of it when people are successful. | ||
| Other people want to shit on them. | ||
| There's also a thing where the idea that you have a certain amount of reach and because of that reach you have a certain amount of responsibility. | ||
| You have a responsibility to be yourself. | ||
| The problem is if you only lean into that responsibility and you think of it as this thing that you must do because you have a civic duty to spread this kind of information or that kind of information, then you can't be yourself anymore. | ||
| You can't just be whoever the fuck you are. | ||
| You have to be this thing that they think is more acceptable. | ||
| I think that's nonsense. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| I think you just stopped yourself from saying retarded. | ||
| I was thinking of a better word. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Retarded, I'm not against saying it, but it's not the right word at the time. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| There's an inclination to tell other people what they should and shouldn't do. | ||
| And I think it's part of the problem with social media is that you can impact people. | ||
| You can get people to say things and not say things. | ||
| You can. | ||
| You really can do it. | ||
| You can get regular people to put their fucking gender pronouns on their bio. | ||
| Like regular folks that you've known forever, and all of a sudden it says he, him. | ||
| Like, really, Bob? | ||
| He, him? | ||
| Like, no one knows? | ||
| Like, what kind of game are we playing? | ||
| There's an argument for that? | ||
| That you don't want to be the old guy that's saying the fucking... | ||
| Yeah, you don't want to be Archie Bunker. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| There is, but there's also a forced compliance to this culture. | ||
| That's the problem with it. | ||
| It's a bunch of assholes that are trying to tell other people what to do because they get a kick out of it. | ||
| It's just like the same people that want to yell at you when you're across the street to put your mask on. | ||
| They're like, listen, there's nothing to do with you. | ||
| Just stop. | ||
| There's too much of this going on. | ||
| There's too much of people wanting to tell people what to do. | ||
| And because of social media, they have this ability to interact with people. | ||
| And one of the things that people like to do is they like telling people what to do. | ||
| They like criticizing people. | ||
| They like shitting on them. | ||
| They like being mean. | ||
| It's just a weird thing. | ||
| It's part of human nature. | ||
| And it's rapid cycling to the point where you can't really keep up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, just don't keep up. | ||
| Just be yourself. | ||
| You know, Bill Burr had a great response to this kind of shit on Bill Maher's show. | ||
| He was like, who, 200 fucking people on Twitter? | ||
| He's like, I don't read that. | ||
| I'm not listening to that. | ||
| They were talking to him about people getting upset at his bits and stuff like that. | ||
| You did that to me when you moved here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If I was a new comic, you are the equivalent to Carson right now, where you have that much reach. | ||
| If I were a new comic and I was doing the Joe Rogan show, I would be nervous for every other reason than I was nervous today, which is I haven't been out in the real world in a year. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, if I was a new comic, I'd be shitting my pants, but it's that frog in boiling water kind of, yeah, I'm doing Rogan. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Your nurse here that gave me this swab to make sure that I'm fucking cancer free or whatever. | ||
| COVID free. | ||
| Yeah, she's like, what are you here to talk about? | ||
| I go, you don't talk to Rogan about stuff. | ||
| Rogan talks to you and you answer and you fucking wait your turn. | ||
| Yeah, I'll have to tell her to stop doing that. | ||
| I want a pre-interview. | ||
| Oh, she was making light. | ||
| Yeah, but that's a problem. | ||
| If you start thinking about what you're actually going to say. | ||
| Oh, I've been doing that since Sunday, you fucking asshole. | ||
| That poor prick, the guy that said I'm a big fan at the fucking Motel Kitzmiller in Fredericksburg, once he said I'm a big fan, I wanted to talk to him about all the things I've been thinking for 650 miles. | ||
| I asked, hey, if you want a cocktail, I'm making cocktails in room 8. Did you say it to him? | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And that's when I called Chaley and I go, let me do a Zoom podcast right now because my head is so fertile. | ||
| And Chaley said three words for an hour and 12 minutes while I just spouted off a million things I've been thinking on the road. | ||
| But you have to understand, in a year, I probably wrote down seven or eight premises in a notebook in a year. | ||
| Fucking comedy for me... | ||
| That's why I was not engaged. | ||
| I did not enter into any Twitter battles with anyone about anything that's going on. | ||
| Because if I don't have a stage to perform it on, it's useless information. | ||
| It's just going to make me pent up and angry. | ||
| Yeah, but you do it on the podcast, though. | ||
| You do talk about stuff on your podcast. | ||
| I'm talking to people who also don't give a fuck. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Chaley and Chad Shank, we're just sitting around for a year. | ||
| They don't give a fuck? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| About the outside world. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| The outside world is for business purposes only. | ||
| If I have an opinion about something that really doesn't affect my day-to-day... | ||
| Why get angry about something I'm just going to yell at my wife about? | ||
| So the inside world is Bisbee, and the outside world is just for business purposes. | ||
| So you have home base. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pretty much. | |
| That's a good way to handle it. | ||
| Home base. | ||
| I'm not having this argument at Safeway. | ||
| By the way, I don't know where the camera is. | ||
| I brought Signature Brand Cola. | ||
| Safeway. | ||
| If you want to shop for groceries, go to Safeway. | ||
| Buy Off Brand. | ||
| I don't have any sponsors. | ||
| Is it just as good? | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| I just mix it with whiskey. | ||
| I'm looking for a whiskey sponsor that says, our whiskey is so good, you don't need Safeway brand off-brand cola. | ||
| Maybe you should catch up with drinking. | ||
| I feel like I'm the stupid one. | ||
| I don't think they're going to approve that for a marketing campaign. | ||
| Yeah, Safeway. | ||
| I would have loved to have gotten a hold of, I was going to say, the Coca-Cola that used to have cocaine in it. | ||
| That stuff must have been amazing. | ||
| Imagine what it was like back then when people didn't know that getting coked up all the time was bad for you. | ||
| I bet Depp has some in his basement. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet he does. | |
| I bet he's got a wine cellar of it. | ||
| But it seems like a kind of thing that would... | ||
| I wonder what culture was like back then when a lot of people were doing coke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's probably really weird, right? | |
| Did you ever see Ollie Joe Prater? | ||
| I never saw him live. | ||
| There's a six-episode, ten-minute series, ten-minute YouTube segments. | ||
| Sam Tallent's the one that hit me to that, the guy that wrote that book, Running the Light. | ||
| And he's just this coke head. | ||
| He's only like 5'1", and he's doing like really racist shit. | ||
| But he's like 5'1 wide, too. | ||
| Yeah, 300 and something pounds. | ||
| There was always a photo of him at the store of him climbing out of the limo. | ||
| He was like climbing out of the Comedy Store limo, and he's like, literally like, You can't even imagine he can get through the doorway, and he's holding the door open, and he's got a big smile on his face. | ||
| The urban legend that I attributed to John Fox, who was kind of his predecessor of, don't eat the mayonnaise in the condo, where his nose starts fucking dripping blood during a set, spilling onto his shirt, and the audience is aghast. | ||
| And he doesn't know why, and he keeps plowing through his 80s cocaine comedy, which was edgy at the time. | ||
| And he realizes what happens, and he looks at himself, and he looks at the blood on his fingers and goes, What, nobody parties anymore? | ||
| John Fox was a hard partier. | ||
| I forgot about that guy. | ||
| Oh, he was the worst. | ||
| He was the guy that did the same act for fucking, like, 40 years. | ||
| Archibald Barasol. | ||
| Two firemen are butt-fucking in a smoke-filled room. | ||
| Chief walks in and goes, how'd this shit get started? | ||
| No, give him mouth-to-mouth. | ||
| He goes, how do you think this shit gets started? | ||
| Uh... | ||
| But I worked with him once when I was a kid in Reno. | ||
| And I said, didn't you have the nosebleed? | ||
| He goes, that's Olly Joe Prater! | ||
| Why are you fucking putting that shit on me? | ||
| I'm like, you kind of fit the bill. | ||
| And when I did Bill Burr's podcast once, coked out of my head after partying with Manson. | ||
| He goes, yeah, you're like the new John Fox where you don't... | ||
| I go, I have that reputation? | ||
| Am I the new John Fox? | ||
| Still kills me. | ||
| No, you turn over material much quicker. | ||
| I get sick of it way quicker. | ||
| I never saw that guy. | ||
| I think I've only seen him live once or twice. | ||
| I saw him at the Laugh Actor, I believe. | ||
| John Fox. | ||
| There's those guys that do that road. | ||
| That road, man. | ||
| Especially during the 80s. | ||
| Those guys, that was the first road. | ||
| I think, legitimately, the road popped up during the comedy boom in the early 80s. | ||
| Because that's when clubs started showing up all over the place. | ||
| And that was the oversaturation of stand-up. | ||
| What year did you start? | ||
| 89? | ||
| 90. 90. In 84, apparently, was like the roaring heyday of Boston. | ||
| And there was all these clubs around Boston. | ||
| But it's also when I think they started popping up all around the country. | ||
| Like, the comedy club world is a pretty recent world. | ||
| Well, there's the road, like Kansas City, let's say. | ||
| St. Louis. | ||
| Chicago. | ||
| But then the road I started was like Tribble gigs. | ||
| Billings, Montana. | ||
| The smallest of towns where they have comedy. | ||
| But it was huge still. | ||
| Like a Tuesday night in Missoula was packed to the gills because there was no... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cell phone. | ||
| But you did those gigs at the same time where those comedy clubs existed in all these cities as well. | ||
| Hoping to get into one of those. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But my point is, before that time, those comedy clubs did not exist in those cities. | ||
| So if you went back to the 1970s, there was nothing. | ||
| And if you go to the 1960s, these guys were doing variety shows, like the old Lenny Bruce tapes, where he would be a host of a variety show. | ||
| He'd bring up a band, there would be a dancer and a musician. | ||
| Burlesque, basically. | ||
| Yeah, it was burlesque, yeah. | ||
| Latter-day Catskills. | ||
| Similar kind of stuff. | ||
| Vaudeville, that's the word I was looking for. | ||
| Latter-day vaudeville. | ||
| So those guys like Fox and all those road dogs, that was a new world. | ||
| That world was a new thing. | ||
| It didn't exist before. | ||
| And you could do the same act. | ||
| Over and over again for decades. | ||
| Nobody watched your show. | ||
| There's no YouTube. | ||
| And if you were a really good... | ||
| There was good road comics. | ||
| There was, like, comics that were, like, good, solid comics that only did the road. | ||
| And, you know, they would go to a different town all the time, and no one knew their act. | ||
| They'd never seen them on television. | ||
| They could crush. | ||
| Four acts that you could watch the same set... | ||
| Like, Junior Stapka comes to mind. | ||
| I'll bring Junior Stapka. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| Play the hits. | ||
| Well, Brody was always... | ||
| Brody. | ||
| We always used to yell out to Brody. | ||
| I heard you were a model! | ||
| He was like, I was a model in Serbia! | ||
| And he would do this... | ||
| I fought in the Iraq War. | ||
| I was an Iraqi soldier. | ||
| That's neither here nor there. | ||
| But like Hedberg, we went down a Hedberg fucking rabbit hole the other day just laughing our asses off. | ||
| For sure him. | ||
| Well, you know, where I started out in Boston, that was what you would see these headliners do the same act over and over and over again. | ||
| Most of them didn't do television, or if they did, it was like little clips on Evening at the Improv, like little quick 15 minutes or something like that. | ||
| But they all had murderous acts that you could watch over and over again. | ||
| Like, I could watch Steve Sweeney a hundred times in a row, and it was the same act. | ||
| You didn't care. | ||
| Like, you wanted to laugh at it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's like people would go to see him knowing he was going to do the same act. | ||
| But it was so good. | ||
| I don't know if you knew me when I did the jizz in the face thing. | ||
| When I finally stopped doing that, people were like, you didn't do the jizz in the face. | ||
| But that's when I was starting to get a voice. | ||
| I don't even know if my voice is my own anymore. | ||
| When I've written books, and I go, I'm mimicking a writer. | ||
| I think I'm mimicking being a comic to this day. | ||
| I saw what one was. | ||
| I mimicked it poorly until I got to a place where I could mimic my own voice. | ||
| But I don't know if I've ever had... | ||
| Like, we know real funny people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That you want to... | ||
| Joey Diaz, obviously... | ||
| Dude, I think you've got a thing. | ||
| I think you've got imposter syndrome. | ||
| I think a lot of great artists have it. | ||
| And what it is, it's one of the things that keeps you good. | ||
| Because one of the things that fucks you is if you start taking yourself really seriously and you think your work is important or you think your work is great. | ||
| I went through that. | ||
| Anybody can go through that. | ||
| And that fucks you harder than anything in this goddamn business. | ||
| And so one of the best ways to avoid that was always think you're a fraud. | ||
| It's like, so your brain's protecting you. | ||
| That's imposter syndrome. | ||
| And it usually means you're conscientious. | ||
| Dave Attell is definitely the worst because he hates himself. | ||
| He's so meticulous about, I don't want that out there. | ||
| It's not as funny as the... | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's a legitimately funny guy and that self-hatred keeps him producing. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Which is attractive. | ||
| The opposite is very unattractive. | ||
| The opposite is someone who has an inflated sense of their ability, and then they're not really that good. | ||
| That's the opposite, right? | ||
| That's so unattractive. | ||
| Whereas the Attell thing is, you're like, Jesus Christ, dude, you're one of the best comics that's ever lived. | ||
| How could you not? | ||
| I won't release that special. | ||
| But it's so much funnier. | ||
| Again, the opposite is... | ||
| Well, the people, you know, the cliche with Joey, and there's other people I could name that I can't think of, where he could read a phone book and it would be funny. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you and I read a phone book, at best you'd memorize the phone numbers. | ||
| Yeah, it wouldn't be that funny. | ||
| We're writers. | ||
| I won't put you in this. | ||
| I'm a writer that makes it sound like it's off the top of my head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, I think we all are in a way. | ||
| Every comic, I mean, when you're saying you're a writer imitating a writer, but you know when Hunter S. Thompson used to write, one of the things he did when he was younger, he'd write The Great Gatsby over and over and over again. | ||
| He'd just write it out, word for word, just to get an understanding of the beats and the way, you know, F. Scott Fitzgerald, right? | ||
| Who wrote that? | ||
| The way he would write out the prose, and that's how he learned how to do it. | ||
| And we all learn how to do comedy by watching other comedians. | ||
| And you learn how to write by reading other writers. | ||
| I purposely tried to not sound like Dice Clay when I started Open Mics. | ||
| And that's why I think I had that weird affectation. | ||
| Don't fucking put it up, Jamie. | ||
| But there's me six months into comedy that's on YouTube. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| Even my first evening at the improv, which is like a year into comedy, when they had a fallout. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| I talk fucking weird. | ||
| You're talking some weird affectation? | ||
| I have no idea what I... But I remember I don't want to sound like Dice Clay because he's the reason I got into comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Is it weird when you hang out with that guy? | ||
| Is it weird you out still? | ||
| Oh, Dice Clay? | ||
| No, I've only met him like two times. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| You've never hung out with him at the store? | ||
| Fuck no! | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| I'd love to have you hang out with him. | ||
| One time he followed me at the store in the OR when I just got past, and he went, nice try! | ||
| Like, I was trying to be him. | ||
| And that's long after I was out of my, like, don't be Dice Clay phase, and it... | ||
| And the second time was on Opie and Anthony, where he came in and fucking... | ||
| Like, no one in my career has had that presence of a Kinison or Dice, where he just came in and took over the fucking room. | ||
| Like, literally... | ||
| And they're like, uh, Dice is gonna smoke. | ||
| He walked in and lit up a cigarette long after it's completely illegal to smoke anywhere in the fucking world except in a field. | ||
| And they're like, uh, Dice is gonna smoke. | ||
| We're gonna get in trouble. | ||
| And he's like, fucking you! | ||
| You're funny! | ||
| I saw you're special! | ||
| And then I started to tell him about how he was the influence. | ||
| He goes, I already told you you're funny! | ||
| You can stop talking now! | ||
| Like just this, like that old fucking late 80s vibe of fuck everything! | ||
| I'm gonna come in here, kinnison, coked up on Stern. | ||
| Like no one has that ever since. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, he was a different thing. | ||
| Well, rocking... | ||
| He's a fun guy to hang around with, too. | ||
| Like, Dice is a fun guy to be around. | ||
| Like, when you're hanging around with him at the store. | ||
| He's very friendly to comics. | ||
| When I was an open-miker in Vegas... | ||
| He came and he's playing some show and we're drunk after an open mic and we go, oh, Dice is at this whatever casino. | ||
| And we went in and he was in a lounge area, VIP, with his bodyguards. | ||
| And I go, oh, I'm going to give one of these, my jokes to Andrew Dice Clay. | ||
| And I walked up and I'm like, oh, I just want to give him one of my jokes. | ||
| Just like crazy person out front of your place or crazy guy that comes to my house. | ||
| And they're like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| And I'm like, fuck Dice Clay. | ||
| This was a great joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It's important. | ||
| When you know the douchebag that you used to be, you have empathy for the douchebag that's now trying to email me a joke. | ||
| I listened to Dice Clay with a girlfriend of mine when we were 19, sitting in my car, laughed my ass off. | ||
| I'll never forget it. | ||
| My ass off. | ||
| I'm with a girl, I'm laughing my ass off. | ||
| Well, she was laughing too. | ||
| We were laughing our asses off, I should say. | ||
| She thought it was hilarious too. | ||
| It was just... | ||
| It's always weird when you know someone like that and then all of a sudden you're hanging around with them. | ||
| That was one of the things the store was very strange for me from the very beginning. | ||
| One of the first times I was ever there, I saw Damon Wayans on stage. | ||
| I was like, Jesus, that's really Damon Wayans. | ||
| I'm still like that. | ||
| Where I'm still starstruck by people. | ||
| That I have to explain who it is, which is what my fan base has to do. | ||
| Like, hey, people are never going to believe. | ||
| Like, I'll drunk dial a fan that emailed me randomly. | ||
| I had a guy... | ||
| He just sent me, like, I'm so, so, and I think you're great. | ||
| But he included his phone number, and I was in the mood. | ||
| So I drunk-dialed him. | ||
| He goes, holy shit! | ||
| He's somewhere in Arkansas going into a Lowe's. | ||
| He's like, no one's ever going to believe that you called me. | ||
| I go, well, no one's going to know who I am. | ||
| And he told me he was just walking into a Lowe's and I bet him some, you know, small bet. | ||
| Like, okay, I'll send you this. | ||
| If you can find one person in that Lowe's who knows who I am, no one's ever going to believe me because they're not going to know who I am. | ||
| And I made him walk around a Lowe's talking to anyone that would listen. | ||
| Do you know who Doug Stanhope is? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I'm failing here. | ||
| Hang on. | ||
| There's not a lot of people in here. | ||
| Yeah, I love my level of fame. | ||
| Does that guy call you now all the time? | ||
| No, he did send me... | ||
| I think I bet him... | ||
| I have a copy of Mad Magazine or something I can send you. | ||
| I'm like, okay, and I'll send you an autographed thing if you win. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| But yeah, I kind of like that level of fame. | ||
| Fun for him. | ||
| It's pretty fucking cool for him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| Except you have no one to share it with. | ||
| Like dreams. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
| But that's perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's got a memory. | ||
| It's better than dreams. | ||
| Because dreams' memories are weird. | ||
| You know, you wake up from a dream and it's like... | ||
| It's slippery. | ||
| You can't really get a hold of it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's there and it's gone. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| But I'm saying you can't share that experience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| His experience of getting a phone call from Doug Stanhope. | ||
| I had a joke where I said, well, it's not a joke, it's the truth. | ||
| I'm only famous within a hundred feet of my gig for a half hour before and after the gig. | ||
| Other than that, nobody knows who I am. | ||
| But I just realized on the drive out here, I also, my job is being famous. | ||
| So for that hour... | ||
| On stage and half an hour before and after, I do live in a world of a famous person. | ||
| So if someone says to me, you're famous? | ||
| I've never heard of you. | ||
| I go, well, I don't work for you. | ||
| I work for my audience, and to my audience, I'm famous. | ||
| So I do live the same experience. | ||
| My off time is way easier. | ||
| Yeah, makes sense. | ||
| Like a teacher, I have summers off. | ||
| Jamie, pull up that thing that I was asking about the technology that they're going to use to record dreams. | ||
| Because this is something that they're actively working to try to... | ||
| Make a reality. | ||
| As you pull that up, I'm trying to find my other can of this. | ||
| Spindrift. | ||
| Are you advertising more booze? | ||
| I'm advertising a million things that have nothing to do with me, just things I enjoy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Safeway Cola. | ||
| I just enjoy Safeway. | ||
| Safeway was the hardest thing during COVID because I live in a small town where the only corporate thing there other than Burger King, which is the worst fast food ever, and I hate them. | ||
| Is Safeway. | ||
| And I know everybody at Safeway. | ||
| And the only people I missed during the first six months that I did not go out was Susie and Anna and fucking Ricky. | ||
| All my people at Safeway. | ||
| The workers there. | ||
| I fucking put them in the liner notes to, I think, the special. | ||
| Do you know that you're the producer on my latest special? | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I just wanted to be a producer. | ||
| Yeah, it's a text message that I go, hey, listen, we recorded it in 2019. It didn't come out until a year later. | ||
| And I said, listen, can I put you on as a producer so maybe we get some fucking Netflix leverage on this? | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's right. | ||
| Yeah, fuck it. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| Yeah, I don't care. | ||
| What are you showing me, Jamie? | ||
| What's this video? | ||
| I was hoping the video was going to be better and show something. | ||
| It's the device you just asked me. | ||
| Oh, so it's a legit functional device? | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| Dormio interfacing with dreams. | ||
| Make that a little larger so I can read it. | ||
| No, that thing about... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sleep is a forgotten country of the mind. | ||
| A vast majority of our technologies are built for... | ||
| The waking state, even though a third of our conscious lives, a third of our lives are asleep, current technological interfaces miss an opportunity to access the unique, imaginative, elastic cognition ongoing during dreams and semi-lucid states. | ||
| In turn, what is this saying, though? | ||
| That's exactly... | ||
| This is a little better explanation in this article about this. | ||
| Go to the top, please, so I can read the title. | ||
| The title. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| MIT researchers develop a way to record and even alter dreams. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was what I was talking about. | ||
| TDI. There's so much of this stuff that if there was a... | ||
| Whoa, look at this, though. | ||
| Targeted dream incubation. | ||
| They can alter your dreams. | ||
| They can guide the dreams towards particular themes. | ||
| TDI is a protocol that we utilized within an app on the wearable sleep tracking device, Donamo, to record the wearer's dreams. | ||
| Additionally, it's also possible to guide the dreams towards certain ideas when the wearer is in the process of going to sleep by targeting them with information. | ||
| Around the idea repeatedly. | ||
| Oh, so they put like a panda bear in your head over and over and over again. | ||
| I've heard of people being able to practice things like this, and it sounded so BS to me. | ||
| I was like, okay, they can learn guitar while they're sleeping. | ||
| Look up, I'm gonna guess 1978. What year did the Shah of Iran die? | ||
| Because I remember I would sleep with AM radio on, hoping to hear Air Supply, because I was in love with a girl, and I woke up, and my dad said, oh, the Shah of Iran died, and I go, that's so fucked up! | ||
| I had a dream about it, and then realized later, I had slept with AM radio on, so I heard it on the news. | ||
| 79. Boom! | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Soon thereafter, the Iranian monarchy was formally abolished. | ||
| I didn't have a dream about that. | ||
| Well, radio can only be so detailed. | ||
| Well, I also got over that girl, and I stopped roller skating. | ||
| Did you think of yourself as John Cusack standing outside of her window holding up the boombox? | ||
| Remember that scene? | ||
| I wish I had a... | ||
| I did, you know, when we were late 90s, there was a million or middle 90s. | ||
| I did a bit about that when stalker was first coined a term. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, but if John Cusack holding the boombox, that's a stalker, but he's cute. | ||
| So it's romantic. | ||
| Well, it also comes into play again. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| All the bits that you do about priests molesting kids and they think it's a new thing every time it's popular in the news. | ||
| No, that was going on in the early 90s when I started comedy. | ||
| I remember Becker's bit about an open mic going, yeah, what we have here is failure to excommunicate. | ||
| And then all of a sudden priest molestation is a new thing in the 2000s. | ||
| And then it's a new thing again. | ||
| Stalker was a thing. | ||
| Pre-small station, no, it's always been a thing. | ||
| Everybody knew about it in the 50s and 60s. | ||
| But it's not always in the news. | ||
| When did it start being in the news? | ||
| I mean, there's been a ton of documentaries and news stories. | ||
| And then the one big one was when the Pope turned out he used to be a bishop that was letting go these guys after they got caught molesting kids. | ||
| And one of them went on to molest 100 deaf kids. | ||
| They did a documentary on it. | ||
| It's dark shit, man. | ||
| He was involved with a lot of the moving around of those pedophile priests. | ||
| And that's one of the reasons why there was one point where they said he couldn't leave the Vatican because there were certain parts of the world that wanted to try him with crimes against humanity. | ||
| So he had to stay there. | ||
| Like, those guys are, like... | ||
| But when you hear a comic that's a new comic doing bits like, this is just... | ||
| Oh, like they think it's breaking new ground? | ||
| Yeah, but it's not. | ||
| Do they, though? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| In this day and age? | ||
| I think it's something to talk about. | ||
| Well, in this day and age, I didn't start in this day and age. | ||
| There was whatever's in a newspaper, like a physical newspaper. | ||
| There was not Twitter or what's trending. | ||
| Now, everything's in the news for about 48 hours at best. | ||
| Yeah, and then it flies away. | ||
| Which is kind of good. | ||
| It's kind of good, but it's kind of fascinating to watch just the glut of information being poured down our throats. | ||
| It's just happening at a pace. | ||
| You can't keep up with everything. | ||
| There's just too much going on. | ||
| When they say that there's more data being created... | ||
| There's some crazy statistic. | ||
| More data being created in a day in 2021 than... | ||
| The last thousand years. | ||
| What is the statistic? | ||
| It's something really nutty. | ||
| I know I butchered it. | ||
| The one that pops up today. | ||
| In the last two years alone, the astonishing 90% of the world's data has been created. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| 2.5 quintillion bytes of data are produced by humans every day. | ||
| That is insane. | ||
| And it keeps accelerating. | ||
| It's like there's no way you can keep track of all of it. | ||
| Which is good. | ||
| Yeah, you can't in our day when there was like three sitcoms Yeah, you could make a joke about Alice. | ||
| Lorena Bobbitt. | ||
| Oh, yes. | ||
| Remember that one? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah, there was Monica Lewinsky jokes. | ||
| Lorena Bobbitt happened at the same time as... | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Because me and Becker were on meth. | ||
| And we went out in Scottsdale. | ||
| Hey, try this, Zha Zhang. | ||
| Rejection proof. | ||
| Do some meth and go out in a median in Scottsdale. | ||
| Need money to have penis reattached. | ||
| And cops finally shoot us off. | ||
| What was the other one at the same time? | ||
| The two biggest hackneyed premises. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Anyway. | |
| Remember he did porn? | ||
| He had his dick reattached and did porn? | ||
| Yeah, Frankenpenis or something it was called. | ||
| She threw it on the side of the road and the cops found it. | ||
| Ouch. | ||
| At this point, it would be like the fucking COVID vaccine where I go, I didn't even feel it happen. | ||
| You know, they give guys new dicks now. | ||
| Guys who have their dicks blown off or something's happened to their dick. | ||
| They've got an infection. | ||
| If I could get a new dick, I would make it something freak show-ish, like a two-headed penis with a little baby head coming off. | ||
| So I could just sell pictures. | ||
| You'd have to get a transplant. | ||
| Like, you'd have to find a two-headed dick to get a two-headed dick. | ||
| I'd take a Cerequah and sleep through the whole thing and have lucid dreams about it. | ||
| I have an answer for everything after a certain amount of cocktails. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| But they can't give guys dicks now, which is crazy. | ||
| You know what they can't do? | ||
| They can't give you balls. | ||
| Because it's unethical. | ||
| Because if a guy died, you can't have his testicles. | ||
| Because his testicles will be shooting out his sperm. | ||
| Even if it's yours. | ||
| Even if it's in your body. | ||
| So you'd be making his babies. | ||
| Which is wild. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Like, so if someone got a hold of your balls, if you died, and you donated your balls to science, and some guy needed a new pair of balls, if he got your balls, he would be shooting your loads for the rest of his life. | ||
| So he'd be making Doug Stanhope babies. | ||
| And they'd be like, but Doug Stanhope is dead! | ||
| Dun, dun, dun! | ||
| Meanwhile, your zombie nuts be activated in this guy's body. | ||
| Just like if you cut a guy's hand off and then reattach another person, he gets the fingerprints of that dead guy. | ||
| You get the loads of the dead guy. | ||
| It's actually happened three times. | ||
| They were in cases of twins. | ||
| Really? | ||
| All cases were twins. | ||
| Yeah, the first two cases, I guess one of the brothers didn't have testicles. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And then another one, it looks like one might have died. | ||
| Well, there's that documentary about the... | ||
| Guy that was a fertility doctor, but he used his own sperm, so he's got... | ||
| Yeah, he's pregnant with like 100 people. | ||
| Factoid for you. | ||
| One of these books I read was The Most Children Recorded by a Single Father. | ||
| Was it that guy? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| This is some fucking pharaoh of fucking turkey before it was called turkey or something. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| What about Genghis Khan? | ||
| I don't know who it was, but look it up. | ||
| I think it's 880 children. | ||
| Most children. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| But that was in the Darwin book about why chicks fuck older guys. | ||
| Like, if I ignored all the big words, just like that story he just put up. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Like, if you ignore all the big words, if they talk dumb to you, you... | ||
| Look what he said. | ||
| Monarch of Morocco had a harem of 500 women and registered 522 boys and 342 girls. | ||
| In total, an observation was made that 1,042 children and then eventually after his death, the total rose to 1,171. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And again to 1,248. | ||
| 1,248. | ||
| I don't know how they figured that out. | ||
| Maybe they did some DNA testing or something. | ||
| And what year is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh... | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's a lot of people. | ||
| That guy liked to fuck. | ||
| Am I right, people? | ||
| Am I right? | ||
| But Genghis Khan, his DNA is in some insane amount of people in the area. | ||
| In the area where he lived. | ||
| That's why they call them mongoloids. | ||
| I'm cancelled! | ||
| There he is. | ||
| 1672 to 1721. Wow, look at that guy. | ||
| Out there partying. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| 1672. Just fucking up a storm. | ||
| Not paying attention to any of your kids. | ||
| You got hundreds of them. | ||
| A thousand. | ||
| Twelve hundred kids. | ||
| You're not paying attention to those kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's no way. | ||
| Well, they're homeschooled. | ||
| What a fucking animal. | ||
| Guy's just shooting loads all over the kingdom. | ||
| Well, if every load that you ever blew... | ||
| Became a baby. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even the ones he jerked off. | ||
| He probably never jerks off. | ||
| Why would he jerk off? | ||
| Because he has that fucking harem. | ||
| He has 500 wives. | ||
| Why would he jerk off? | ||
| 500 wives is so preposterous. | ||
| Those poor girls. | ||
| I would propose the argument of... | ||
| You don't have to fucking talk to them or buy them breakfast. | ||
| There's 500 of them, though. | ||
| Sometimes you'd rather go, when is it my turn? | ||
| And you're going to be like, a year and a half. | ||
| No fucking way. | ||
| I think I became an adult when I'd go, I should just jerk off rather than fuck this girl who thinks I like her. | ||
| Because I know I won't like her. | ||
| I quote you all the time, the post-cum syndrome. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Where you go, oh, I really did think I liked you until I came. | ||
| Yeah, I used to do a bit about it. | ||
| Jerk off first, then think about it. | ||
| That was my best advice to people. | ||
| Jerk off first, then think about it. | ||
| Because that is a weird fucking thing with men. | ||
| Like, you really think, especially when you're young, like when I was in my early 20s, you think differently. | ||
| Like, you think, like, oh, maybe she could be my wife, and then you nut, and you're like, I gotta get out of here. | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| And it's a fucking horrible feeling. | ||
| But it's true. | ||
| It's like it's real thinking. | ||
| It's not like you're... | ||
| Like, women, a lot of times, I think, for sure, some guys are deceptive, and most guys can be deceptive if they're trying to get laid. | ||
| But there's also, you're being deceptive to yourself. | ||
| Like, your dick is lying to you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You wish you could have some kind of way to put that perspective in, like... | ||
| Listen to what my brain was telling me. | ||
| Put my brain in your head for a second. | ||
| You'll understand. | ||
| Now I feel bad about it. | ||
| And it's not even a power dynamic. | ||
| It's a bullshit dynamic, maybe. | ||
| But I really felt that way until I came. | ||
| And that is... | ||
| One thing I gleaned off of Darwinian psychology theory. | ||
| Yeah, you're supposed to keep the same mindset before you come as after you come, which is ridiculous. | ||
| Like you're supposed to look at things the same way after you come as before you come. | ||
| But it's not ridiculous to people who don't understand that, meaning women. | ||
| Because they always think the same way. | ||
| That's not true either. | ||
| That's not true at all either. | ||
| They must have an enormous relief. | ||
| See, this is my problem with reading a smart fuck book for 16 and a half hours, listening to it. | ||
| Now I think I know what the fuck I'm talking about, and I don't! | ||
| Yeah, but you're just talking. | ||
| But it makes sense. | ||
| You don't have to know what you're talking about. | ||
| You're just talking. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I was trying to dumb myself down with alcohol. | ||
| When we were talking earlier about when you start believing your own bullshit, my sense of humor is Brendan Walsh. | ||
| It's not the yelling guy on stage that I am. | ||
| That's who I became on stage. | ||
| What I laugh at is Brendan Walsh in a fucking neck brace doing prank phone calls. | ||
| That's what I grew up being. | ||
| Then I heard Dice Clay. | ||
| Then I started doing stage. | ||
| I fucking love Brendan Walsh being ridiculous and silly and fart diarrhea. | ||
| Fart sounds. | ||
| It's one of the best follows on Twitter. | ||
| Didn't they ban his account? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was it for? | ||
| Because he... | ||
| Pull it up! | ||
| Brennan Walsh, I think it's still his pinned tweet. | ||
| They abolished his verified account because he... | ||
| A parody. | ||
| Yeah, he was pretending to be Donald Trump Jr. Oh, that's what it was. | ||
| And it was as benign as the Australian artist that Sacha Baron Cohen has a problem with. | ||
| I remember reading it and being annoyed. | ||
| He was crestfallen. | ||
| I love when I get drunk and I find a big word like crestfallen. | ||
| He was fucked up over being, you know, cancelled by Twitter over some silly shit. | ||
| Brendan Walsh is one of the funniest Twitter people. | ||
| He's now at, at Brendan Walsh. | ||
| At, and then spelled out, at Brendan Walsh. | ||
| A.T. Brendan Walsh, yeah. | ||
| So what was it? | ||
| Me and Eric are putting on a pot of coffee and we're gonna... | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| We're going to put on a pot of coffee. | ||
| We're going to figure this out. | ||
| Tonight, we're in the White House. | ||
| Sleepy Joe is in a cheap motel where he belongs. | ||
| And it's a Donald Trump Jr. fake tweet. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| When you have the verified symbol, you can put anything underneath it, which I used to... | ||
| Like, if I was fighting with an airline, I could... | ||
| I changed who I am to Condonast travel writer. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| He's got 300,000 followers and he's a travel writer. | ||
| But he actually pretended to be Donald Trump Jr. because he was verified. | ||
| Yeah, but it said Brendan Walsh. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| There's so many people that have to fucking speak up In whatever the culture is, there's a million different cultures that have all been boiled down into left wing or right wing, but when you fucking talk to people off the record that are in whatever groups... | ||
| They go, this is so fucked up. | ||
| I live in Hollywood. | ||
| I'm a writer. | ||
| I'm a whatever. | ||
| And they don't speak for me, but I can't. | ||
| Like, fucking white males can't save you now. | ||
| Like, yeah, you have to speak up and go, hey, that fucking person doesn't speak for me, but they're all worried. | ||
| Well, they're worried about losing their jobs. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But we're just losing our sense of humor. | ||
| It's just, that's... | ||
| The idea that they would just pull that down and pretend that he's being an imposter. | ||
| No, he's being funny. | ||
| You've got to have room for parody, folks. | ||
| This is the internet. | ||
| You're going to ruin Twitter? | ||
| It's already ruined. | ||
| You're going to ruin it even further and further? | ||
| You have to have room for fun. | ||
| What we do is they shut down a loophole, we open up a new one. | ||
| That's how the fucking cycle goes. | ||
| Okay, you can't do that. | ||
| Well, you can't do that on Twitter anymore. | ||
| Then you go... | ||
| And you don't go parlor. | ||
| That's the problem with any one of those things, right? | ||
| Whenever they have a new one of those things, it always becomes like a right-wing haven. | ||
| Because by getting people... | ||
| It's really kind of brilliant in a way. | ||
| Because by getting people to... | ||
| Since there's this heavy left-wing bias on Twitter, when people abandon Twitter or they get kicked off of Twitter, they're almost always right-wing. | ||
| And when they go to these places that say, we don't have any censorship, well, what's the big censorship on Twitter? | ||
| The big censorship is in saying offensive things. | ||
| Saying things that have been deemed culturally inappropriate. | ||
| So that's, of course, especially if you're some fucking 16-year-old kid, you don't care about the future of this app. | ||
| You don't give a fuck. | ||
| You want to say all the shit you know you can't say on Twitter, but you can say at blah, blah, blah, whatever the new app is. | ||
| So they go over there and they ruin it. | ||
| And so you have the main town square, which is Twitter. | ||
| And every new one that pops up sort of... | ||
| Miserably fails. | ||
| Because they become so right-wing. | ||
| Like, it's all the people that are using it are right-wing people. | ||
| And this is only a few of them that I've looked into, but a couple of them, I mean, maybe there's some new ones I'm not aware of. | ||
| Jamie, are there any new ones? | ||
| New social media apps that are on the up-and-up, on the rise? | ||
| But isn't it the same thing, am I correct, that they become like super right-wing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Wasn't that the thing with Parler that they were saying that that's how a lot of those QAnon guys were communicating? | ||
| Probably why I made the news. | ||
| I'm straining to find a better example that's not social media. | ||
| But whatever, a law passes, you can't do this anymore. | ||
| Okay, but you can't smoke in bars anymore. | ||
| But we could have outdoor smoking. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And then they go, no outdoor smoking. | ||
| So then you have a cigar bar can have – They're not applicable. | ||
| See, here's the problem. | ||
| There's never been a thing like social media that's had that much influence on so many people. | ||
| And then a few people with a very – like a rigid ideology in terms of what they'll allow, what they don't allow. | ||
| And those people are controlling this massive amount of discourse. | ||
| That's never happened before. | ||
| It's way different than a law or anything else that creates a loophole. | ||
| But I'm saying we always, as human beings, find a way to usurp a law, whatever it is. | ||
| If it's Twitter law, government law, you find a loophole, then they find a way to shut it down, then you open up another... | ||
| Throughout history, you find a way to fuck the system. | ||
| And then the system fucks you. | ||
| It could take decades to get out of this Twitter power... | ||
| You could say the same thing about, like, why does the Chinese government have control of all their one billion people? | ||
| Well, eventually they won't. | ||
| Okay, well, how long is that going to take? | ||
| A hundred years? | ||
| And they'll elect a new government that fucks them. | ||
| But this is the problem with this thing that Twitter is. | ||
| Because we look at... | ||
| And it's not all a problem. | ||
| But we look at social media apps like a thing that you use. | ||
| It's just a thing you use. | ||
| You don't have to use it. | ||
| It's a private company. | ||
| They can do whatever they want. | ||
| But it's way bigger than that. | ||
| It's something that can influence billions of people. | ||
| It's a way of distributing ideas that's never existed before. | ||
| And if it gets controlled in terms of like there's people like that. | ||
| They're kicking off Brendan Walsh for pretending that he's Donald Trump. | ||
| I mean, come on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Junior. | |
| Whatever. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You gotta have parody. | ||
| You gotta have fun. | ||
| You can't have it so locked down and rigid. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| But we have to understand that we're fucking old, and the kids will figure out a way... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| To fuck the system. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| And then the system will fuck them back. | ||
| The system always fucks the people and the people find a way to find a loophole. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| But this is a different thing. | ||
| We've never experienced this kind of a thing before. | ||
| This thing is so much more powerful than any other new thing that's ever existed in terms of the ability to get out ideas and how much it can change culture. | ||
| I mean, maybe kids will figure out a way around it, or maybe it'll warp people to the point where they're willing to accept some sort of totalitarian regime as long as they think it's ethical and moral. | ||
| Which they've always done. | ||
| Yeah, as long as they think it's like the ethical and moral thing to do, like it's a great ethical, moral, totalitarian regime, and they'll hop on board, and then you're going to be cool with, you know, 2020s McCarthyism. | ||
| It's like, it's going to be very similar. | ||
| And then 2030s will go, fuck this, and they'll figure out another way to fuck them, and then the system will fuck them again. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe they'll stay controlled just like the Chinese government. | ||
| This is the thing. | ||
| It's like once something has control... | ||
| People are really terrified about Facebook. | ||
| They're really terrified about Twitter. | ||
| They're terrified about YouTube. | ||
| The amount of control that these companies have, they're not egregiously abusing it like they possibly could. | ||
| If one of them really went heavy off the rails, there's a lot of power that these people have. | ||
| It's so much money. | ||
| That's why that... | ||
| Have you watched that Social Dilemma, that documentary? | ||
| And it fucking terrified me twice. | ||
| Scares the shit out of you. | ||
| And then the Bill Hicks bit. | ||
| I look out my window. | ||
| Cricket. | ||
| Cricket. | ||
| Where's all this shit happening? | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| Do you want to know my neighbors' names? | ||
| I'll start with fucking... | ||
| Well, Morgan Murphy rents at the end. | ||
| I'm sure you know your neighbors. | ||
| I get what you're saying. | ||
| The point is... | ||
| You're close to your real world. | ||
| I know their fucking pets' names. | ||
| They're welcome at my house. | ||
| That's great, but it's still... | ||
| You're not going to get away from the impact of this stuff. | ||
| So if I tell people, listen, if you just stop procreating to a point where you actually know the people that you're talking to and... | ||
| Humanity isn't just this vast load of nameless people. | ||
| Well, they're not going to do that. | ||
| They're going to keep fucking. | ||
| They're going to keep making more people. | ||
| Every social dilemma argument that me and Chad Shank have while we're drinking always ends up with overpopulation. | ||
| Too many people. | ||
| That's definitely part of the problem. | ||
| But it's not just the problem. | ||
| Even if you have less people, they're still communicating the same way. | ||
| And they're still branching off into these echo chambers. | ||
| And we're more divided than we've ever been before. | ||
| And here's the problem with that whole population argument. | ||
| I like people. | ||
| Like, if you stop fucking and then there's no people, then we go away. | ||
| And then there's no more people. | ||
| Like, I like them. | ||
| I like having them around. | ||
| I think the only way you have them is if you make more of them. | ||
| But I think the only way you appreciate them if they're in... | ||
| You have less of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the problem with LA in New York, right? | ||
| There's a... | ||
| You don't feel connected to a billion people. | ||
| There's too many of them. | ||
| There's a burden. | ||
| A fucking million-year-old bit of mine... | ||
| You love a kitten, but if you came home and there was 8,000 kittens in your fucking one-bedroom apartment, you'd put on golf shoes and stomp them to death. | ||
| Because scarcity is... | ||
| Yeah, the numbers that we live in, whether it's... | ||
| I mean, that's one of the things that I noticed immediately upon moving to Austin. | ||
| It's like it's more relaxed here. | ||
| There's less humans. | ||
| Like, it's not good to be in that kind of fucking high RPM buzzing of LA. I love your love of Austin, but I almost moved here from Bisbee when I first moved to Bisbee, and I had a fucking issue there, and I go, fuck it, I'll move to Austin. | ||
| I'm like, Austin, the traffic here, which is my number one consideration, along with weather of where to live, Like, the traffic here is so fucking awful. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's nothing. | |
| It's a joke. | ||
| It takes you an extra 10 minutes to get places. | ||
| It took me 15 minutes in a Walmart parking lot to get out of it when I took a wrong right turn to try to get some food yesterday. | ||
| Oh, just go up Ben Adams. | ||
| Jamie, back me up on this. | ||
| This traffic is bullshit, right? | ||
| It's a joke. | ||
| It's not that the roads are... | ||
| You mentioned that the other day. | ||
| The roads are terrible. | ||
| The roads are stupid. | ||
| They fucking made a bad idea. | ||
| Yeah, whoever the civil engineer is that started the city, they did it for horses. | ||
| Oh, wait. | ||
| You're on my side. | ||
| Well, in terms of the way it's engineered, it's terrible. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, but the amount of traffic is a joke. | ||
| It's not a crisp, clean grid that's easy to follow. | ||
| The amount of fucking people trying to leave a Walmart taking a right turn on Ben Adams on a fucking one-way frontage road. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| You're used to Bisbee. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Bisbee is way, way sleepier. | ||
| It's my first forage out of my bed in a year. | ||
| I knew I was going to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's good. | |
| Stay there, then. | ||
| You've got a good spot, as long as you don't talk it up too much. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's a terrible place. | ||
| It's a horrible place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| That's what you've got to say about everything. | ||
| We're going to start saying that about Austin, too. | ||
| Don't come here. | ||
| But, of course, people are going to come. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| It's better than L.A. I don't understand the L.A. thing anymore, especially now for comics. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense to me, because it used to be that you wanted to be connected to television, and you wanted to be connected to the movie industry, but Comics today are more connected to podcasts than ever before, which means you could be anywhere. | ||
| You could be in fucking Arizona. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Zoom. | ||
| Nashville. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Another benefit of COVID. Thank you, 500,000 fucking mostly elderly people that died so I could figure out Zoom. | ||
| And I'll tweet. | ||
| Hey, if you want to talk, send me a Zoom link and I'll fucking talk to you. | ||
| And then I'm talking to someone from wherever. | ||
| Just some strange person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fun. | ||
| I brought my goddamn reading glasses because I'm so used to Zoom. | ||
| I have to... | ||
| Yeah, I... I don't like doing podcasts over Zoom, though. | ||
| They just feel so flat. | ||
| I mean, they're better than no podcasts at all if you want to talk to someone from the UK or something like that, but it just feels flat. | ||
| It's like the interaction you have is so limited, you know? | ||
| Sounds good. | ||
| This kind of shit's better. | ||
| Well, it's obviously better, but where I live... | ||
| Now I'm getting actual, like, I fucking drunk dial fucking Mike from Nickelback. | ||
| Mike from Nickelback? | ||
| Who's that, the lead guy? | ||
| Nah, he's the brother, I guess. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But, like, over a year, like, yeah, I have reached out. | ||
| I've fucking rejection-proofed myself. | ||
| Fucking Dr. Hook. | ||
| Dennis, the lead singer of Dr. Hook, who when we get drunk and we play karaoke in the funhouse, we play Dr. Hook all the time, and he just randomly... | ||
| Hey, I'm a big fan. | ||
| I'm an American rock guy. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Wait, you think I don't know who you are? | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| I'm just a big fan. | ||
| I'm like, are you fucking kidding? | ||
| Dr. Hook is a fan of us? | ||
| We drunk fucking carol your songs like fucking horrible Christmas carolers. | ||
| Sylvia's mother said... | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Let's wrap this up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's four o'clock. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Yeah, time flew. | ||
| We did, uh, it was like three hours, right? | ||
| Douglas. | ||
| Where are you going to do this Comedians, uh, Bulimian Grove thing? | ||
| It's, uh, well... | ||
| Can you tell me? | ||
| Off the air? | ||
| Yeah, no, it's in Arizona. | ||
| It's 100 miles away from where I live. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But it's 42 miles from the Tucson airport. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| So it's easy to get in, easy to get out, and I just need $500,000 of seed money. | ||
| Oh, you need a GoFundMe? | ||
| Yeah, no, I need you. | ||
| I need you. | ||
| Busy. | ||
| Very busy out here. | ||
| No, I just need your money. | ||
| See? | ||
| We'll talk. | ||
| No, no, this is Zha Jing. | ||
| I don't think that's going to be happening. | ||
| This is Zha Jing's fucking rejection proof. | ||
| He just asked. | ||
| And he said... | ||
| Well, then you're rejection proof, so it doesn't bother you. | ||
| Yeah, I don't really need to do that. | ||
| I don't think you need that kind of money to do that. | ||
| I like to bring an accountant to go over your paperwork. | ||
| Well, that's why I have Raider to do all the paperwork. | ||
| Do you think they're going to move there? | ||
| The comics are going to move to this spot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| They're just going to visit? | ||
| No, I'm just going to move my compound. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll tell you the other part of it. | |
| Why I want to get the fuck out of Bisbee. | ||
| Oh, there's another part. | ||
| Yeah, it's just one bad, bad man. | ||
| All right. | ||
| He's fucked me over. | ||
| I love you, Doug Stano. | ||
| I'm sorry you had to have me on. | ||
| Come on more often. | ||
| It'd be more comfortable. | ||
| Thanks for the book, too. | ||
| Sam Talent. | ||
| Sam Talent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Running the light. | |
| I'm going to check it out. | ||
| Vodka Juice Box. | ||
| Oh, Bingo. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Bingo. | ||
| Heard you were an anti-masker. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Well, she sent you a mask. | ||
| Oh, what's it said? | ||
| Bingo is... | ||
| Her and her musician partner have made a band, Vodka Juice Box. | ||
| All right. | ||
| And... | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| We'll get a picture afterwards. | ||
| It's a good one. | ||
| Smells good. | ||
| I've only worn it twice. | ||
| Bye everybody! |
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