Jan. 26, 2021 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:49:26
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
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unidentified
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The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night All day Oh hello Hello Joseph Nice outfit you're wearing. | |
| Hey. | ||
| Awesome outfit for you. | ||
| Yeah, we're burritos. | ||
| And Jamie's in the Matrix. | ||
|
unidentified
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Jamie, what are you doing? | |
| Look at that. | ||
| That is preposterous. | ||
| Show him the pants. | ||
| It's a full thing. | ||
| Where was one get something like this? | ||
| The internet. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Oh, must be. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| You didn't go to the store and shop? | ||
|
unidentified
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No, no, no. | |
| What's the company? | ||
| It's called Dumb Good. | ||
| But isn't it supposed to have numbers? | ||
| Does it have numbers? | ||
| It does, yeah. | ||
| Oh, those are numbers? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, if you look close, you can see it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, okay. | |
| Yeah, it's like officially licensed, I think. | ||
| Ooh. | ||
| Ooh, official. | ||
| They just pushed that movie back, the new one. | ||
| They push everything back. | ||
| They're pushing the James Bond one back forever because they think that theaters are coming back. | ||
| No. | ||
| Like theaters are... | ||
| That's over. | ||
| That's over. | ||
| Especially since it's so much nicer. | ||
| They kind of fuck themselves with like Wonder Woman and all these movies like Soul that have been coming out, you know, at the same time. | ||
| It's so nice and easy just watching it at your house. | ||
| Yeah, you don't have to listen to people talk and hear people on their phones and see people texting and the light flashes in front of you and... | ||
| Yeah, all the weirdness of movie theaters. | ||
| You know, I have a friend who always brings a gun to the movie theater. | ||
| I go, really? | ||
| He goes, yeah. | ||
| He goes, that one time that it happened in Colorado. | ||
| I'm like, fuck that. | ||
| That's never happened to me again. | ||
| I'm like, think about how many times people go to the movies and how rarely people get shot at the movie theater. | ||
| It's like one of the safest places. | ||
| But that one time, he just keeps a gun everywhere. | ||
| It's funny, after that last shooting, you know how you make reservations in a movie theater? | ||
| How you can pick your seats? | ||
| I noticed the next day, I went to a theater near the theater that there was a shooting, and I looked at the reservations, and it was all around the exits, like, instead of the middle. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| There hasn't been any mass shootings since COVID, right? | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Have there? | ||
| No, there hasn't. | ||
| But what's a mass shooting, right? | ||
| More than two people. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah, but there hasn't been, like, school shootings, like the big ones. | ||
| There hasn't been, like, what? | ||
| Has there? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| The problem is we get so numb to it. | ||
| Like, it might have happened and... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, salute. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
| Adult beverages. | ||
|
unidentified
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What is this? | |
| Still Austin. | ||
|
unidentified
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some whiskey so how's it been moving here buddy It's great, man. | |
| I took the trip. | ||
| I had the car drive me the whole way here, which was interesting. | ||
| Oh, did you do that? | ||
| Driving a Tesla from Los Angeles to Austin, that's an experience because you have to charge. | ||
| It takes a lot longer. | ||
| Does it get hairy when you look at your mileage and you try to figure out what the supercharger is? | ||
| No, it's pretty nice because it does route it. | ||
| It tells you, hey, you better go here. | ||
| You'll have so and so much time left. | ||
| There was one time where I got a little nervous just because there was a big traffic jam and stuff. | ||
| What's the lowest you ever got? | ||
| I think like nothing crazy, like five, ten percent. | ||
| No, ten percent. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| But driving the whole way there, it drove the whole way here, and that was so much easier. | ||
| The first night I drove 20 hours straight because I wasn't driving. | ||
| It was driving. | ||
| I was just bored. | ||
| I went through every single podcast. | ||
| You drove 20 hours straight. | ||
| How did you stay awake? | ||
| A lot of coffee, a lot of Red Bull. | ||
| What is that stuff? | ||
| Is it Provigil? | ||
| Is that Modafinil? | ||
| I always confuse that with Viagra. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| That's a different time of the day. | ||
| What happens when you take two of them together? | ||
| What is the Viagra stuff called? | ||
| Provigil. | ||
| Viagra. | ||
| No, but it's a... | ||
| Provigil and Modafinil is the... | ||
| Like, what's the real version? | ||
| What's the real name? | ||
| There's a thing. | ||
| It's like Sadafinil or something like that. | ||
| There's a thing. | ||
| Like the active ingredient. | ||
| Modafinil. | ||
| The brand name of Modafinil is Provigil. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But what is the actual chemical in Viagra? | ||
| That's what I confuse. | ||
| I confuse the two of them sometimes. | ||
| Just look at your prescription bottle right there. | ||
| Yeah, just look at the one that's in your pants. | ||
| In your matrix pocket. | ||
| What I took this morning was called sildenafil. | ||
| Sildenafil. | ||
| Sildenafil. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| No, it was pretty easy. | ||
| I mean, I don't sleep that much. | ||
| I can stay up pretty late already. | ||
| So it was, you know, and what was cool is every time you charge, you have to like sit there for like 25 minutes, 30 minutes. | ||
| So you kind of like go outside. | ||
| What does that give you, 80%? | ||
| Yeah, it usually takes you up to 80% because when you're charging a Tesla, the first half of the battery charges way faster than the second half. | ||
| So it's faster to do it that way. | ||
| But there was a lot of stops and it kind of made it easier because you're stopping so much. | ||
| Because usually when you're on a road trip, you're driving like five, six hours until you get empty on a gas tank. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I loved it, man. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It almost killed me once, but other than that... | ||
| What happened? | ||
| It over... | ||
| A semi was getting into my lane, and it over-exaggerated. | ||
| Over-corrected? | ||
| Yeah, over-corrected. | ||
| So I did one of those where... | ||
| But the car handled it pretty self. | ||
| I didn't spin out where I think if it was a normal car, I would have flipped and done all that shit. | ||
| Well, you have the X, and so does Jamie, and the best thing about that one is the center of gravity is amazing. | ||
| They don't tip over. | ||
| You ever seen those things where they hit them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's too heavy. | ||
| They just come right back. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| There's a really cool website called Wham Bam Tesla Cam or something like that. | ||
| It's such a great idea. | ||
| It's just people sending all their Tesla Cam videos of all the accidents and stuff. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Some of the videos you watch, you're so safe in a Tesla, especially the axe. | ||
| Is that the best one for safety? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I think because it's just so big and heavy. | ||
| Do you see there's some pictures that came out today of the new S? No. | ||
| Oh god, it's so sexy. | ||
| Came out today? | ||
| Is it the plaid one? | ||
| The pictures, like some spy cam pictures came out today. | ||
| And the new design looks so amazing. | ||
| Is it the plaid one? | ||
| They don't know yet because supposedly there was plaid and a new refresh of the X and the S. And it might be the Plaid or it might be the new refresh. | ||
| But they've stopped production of the X and the S for like 14 days. | ||
| And supposedly they're going to see a refresh on both of them. | ||
| A lot of people are thinking the X is going to take away the doors and the Falcon Wing doors. | ||
| Yeah, but those are dope. | ||
| They're so great. | ||
| They shouldn't take that away. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Were you there when Tiffany Haddish had it dancing in the parking lot? | ||
| That's why I bought my car. | ||
| You know that. | ||
| That happened that night. | ||
| I went home, I'm like, I'm getting one, and I did my dumb shit where I was drunk, and I'm like, I'm just gonna get a loan, and I bought it that night. | ||
| Next day I woke up, I'm like, no, I didn't. | ||
| But you love it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I love mine. | ||
| It's the dopest car. | ||
| Like, every other car is dumb. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's just the reality of it. | ||
| I mean, I still love cars. | ||
| I love little cars. | ||
| I love trucks. | ||
| I love cars. | ||
| I'm an automobile enthusiast. | ||
| But the reality is, the Tesla's the best car. | ||
| It's just the best. | ||
| I haven't driven the Porsche Taycan, but I heard that's the shit, too. | ||
| There was a review today, or an article. | ||
| Where it beat a Porsche GT3 and a Turbo in some sort of a race, which is just bananas for this electric car can beat like their best performance cars. | ||
| Yeah, but no matter how hard they try or Ford tries with their electric cars, they're never going to have that supercharger network. | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| That looks like a regular one. | ||
| Wait, no. | ||
| That's not the picture I saw, I don't think. | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know. | |
| I don't know if that's the same picture I saw. | ||
| Well, maybe it is. | ||
| See how the sides are kind of like... | ||
| Bulgy? | ||
| Yeah, or they kind of go indented or a little. | ||
| Yeah, what it looks like... | ||
| Well, it looks like the fender flares are bulged. | ||
| There's supposedly a new end back also. | ||
| The thing about the Plaid is the Plaid has wider tires and I think it has more battery life too, right? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| But that was the thing about the truck. | ||
| The truck can go to 500 miles. | ||
| That's going to fix a lot of shit. | ||
| As soon as you can do that. | ||
| Like, 300 miles is like, eww. | ||
| You know, and the Porsche, I don't think, even gets 250. Right. | ||
| And, like I was saying, there's no supercharger network for all these cars. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| So, like, I mean, that was one thing. | ||
| I could never have done that with a Ford or a Porsche, you know, from the LA all the way here. | ||
| It would have taken me, like, a week. | ||
| I think there actually is a supercharger network for regular electric cars. | ||
| I just don't think it's the same setup. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know how it is. | ||
| It's not the same speed and they're almost impossible to find. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Tesla has made it so there's stops everywhere, so they know if you're driving from LA to Austin, there's a path you can go. | ||
| Oh, so it tells you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So if you put Austin as your navigation destination, it'll say, okay, Brian, you gotta stop here, you gotta stop here. | ||
| It takes you right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Unless Big Brother knows that you're going there, and then they wait for you. | ||
| What about this convertible conversion of a Model S? Is that real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there's a company in, I think, San Francisco that you can pay, it's like $30,000, and they'll convert any Tesla into a convertible, and it could either be automatic convertible or a hard top they just pull off. | ||
| Oh, well, you know what's dope is that they took a four-door and they turned it into a two-door, too. | ||
| Wow, that's pretty fresh. | ||
| I bet that shit leaks, though. | ||
| First rainstorm. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Well, you know, any of those aftermarket things are probably good for like a year or two, you know? | ||
| Yeah, well, the real issue is the stability of the chassis, like the way the car is designed. | ||
| It's not designed to be a convertible. | ||
| That's one of the things they did with the new Corvette, is that they designed it to be a convertible right away. | ||
| So from the jump, it's a convertible. | ||
| So that when they make it a non-convertible, there's no rigidity loss. | ||
| I think they did that with a Porsche, with a 911, too. | ||
| They make them so that... | ||
| Because the problem with convertibles is always they feel like a little kind of shaky. | ||
| Like, they don't feel... | ||
| Like, even my Corvette, which is like an aftermarket chassis, it's like... | ||
| It doesn't feel like a solid car. | ||
| It feels... | ||
| There's a little wiggle to it that's uncomfortable. | ||
| There's like a little bit... | ||
| I'm thinking of ways that I could fix that. | ||
| I might bring it to someone and see if they can engineer something that keeps it from wiggling. | ||
| Yeah, more structure. | ||
| Yeah, but there's something about those cards that don't have a roof. | ||
| Remember I used to have that NSX? Yeah. | ||
| When you take the top off, it was like a top that you take off. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| What are those things called? | ||
| Hard top shell. | ||
| But it's like a... | ||
| No, there's a name for it when you take... | ||
| A Targa? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a Targa top. | ||
| So it's like one piece roof, you know, that you take off. | ||
| So it's like, it's not the whole roof, because you still have like the back pillars and everything. | ||
| But even then, you could feel it was like less stable. | ||
| It was like, it was more wiggly. | ||
| It wasn't as rigid. | ||
| Yeah, it makes you feel weird. | ||
| I don't think I want a convertible anymore. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| That's what it looked like. | ||
| It looks like a little Fiero. | ||
| Fieros were like poor man's Ferrari. | ||
| My sister had a Fiero. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| It was fresh. | ||
| She was balling out of control. | ||
| That was back in, like, the 80s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Fierros were fresh. | ||
| That was, like, Pontiac's version. | ||
| They don't even have Pontiacs anymore, man. | ||
| I know. | ||
| What was... | ||
| Oh, yeah, Firebird. | ||
| Pontiac. | ||
| That was the coolest car ever. | ||
| Bro, my legs are sweating so hard. | ||
| No, this is hot as hell. | ||
| I'm sweating. | ||
|
unidentified
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This is... | |
| Well, this is, like, the same material that they use when people, like, are freezing in the woods. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where, like, you wrap yourself in a blanket. | ||
| It's crazy how much my legs are sweating. | ||
| Because my legs are... | ||
| I took my pants off, so... | ||
| It's like a sauna suit. | ||
| It is like a sauna suit. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Keep it up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I'm going to lose some weight today. | ||
| I'm going to get tight and in shape. | ||
| That sauna seat thing is weird. | ||
| Because I see people working out and I'm like, you know that's just water. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right? | |
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| And it's dangerous, right? | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| It's good to sit in a sauna. | ||
| I don't necessarily think it's good to run in a rubber suit. | ||
| It's like, doesn't your body need to fucking cool off? | ||
| Like... | ||
| That's why you're losing all the water weight. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| People just want to get on the scale and see a number. | ||
| Oh, look. | ||
| That's the thing of those waist things that people wear, those waist slimmers. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Are you just lying to yourself? | ||
| They make them for guys. | ||
| I almost bought it because I was like, let's see how this goes. | ||
| I was like, I'm not buying that stupid thing. | ||
| It's like a sauna vest, it said. | ||
| They'll find you and target stupid ads your way. | ||
| I was like, what is this? | ||
| This guy's dumb. | ||
| He's dumb and weak. | ||
| God, I hate those target ads. | ||
| It's a thing where people don't want to do the whole... | ||
| Look, it's fucking hard to lose weight. | ||
| Everybody knows it. | ||
| So if someone can come along and they offer you some sort of a fix, like a suck weight belt, you're like, does it work? | ||
| Does it work? | ||
| If there was something that worked that actually could make you slimmer... | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Have you seen Whitney using that thing that she puts on her ass where it's like these giant... | ||
| It looks like it's a thing that shocks someone awake when they're dead. | ||
| What is she doing? | ||
| They put it on her butt and it's just like a butt workout, she says. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think that's just where they gram. | ||
| She'll probably explain it more, but I don't know what the fuck's doing. | ||
| I'm sweating like a pig under this thing. | ||
| Yeah, she's silly. | ||
| She's crazy. | ||
| She beats herself up a lot too. | ||
| I noticed like every other day she has a huge gash on her face or something like that. | ||
| COVID has not been unkind to a lot of us comedians that constantly need attention and need to perform. | ||
| Man, I've been performing out here. | ||
| It's so nice to be on stage again and having shows again. | ||
| It's weird, right? | ||
| She's coming out here. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, she doesn't know if she's going to move here, but she's thinking about it. | ||
| At least she's thinking about it. | ||
| Turn the air on, I was going to say. | ||
| It might be a little warm. | ||
| It's 73 in here. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You want to do it? | ||
| I don't know how to work it. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people are moving here. | ||
| Fahim's moving here. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He comes out like next week or something. | ||
| Holtzman's going to be here in a couple weeks. | ||
| I got him on a show in a couple weeks to have Holtzman come back. | ||
| Jamar Neighbors is on on Friday. | ||
| Let's see if he wants to move here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He just won his first... | ||
| We had him on the show last week. | ||
| He just won his first fight at TKO in the first round. | ||
| So is that the first fight he had? | ||
| Because he was going to do some amateur fights back when we were at the Comedy Store a year ago. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that's his first fight and he told me it was probably going to be his last fight. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I told him, I'm like, listen, he's a stud. | ||
| Like, you look at him, the guy's shredded. | ||
| He's obviously in tip-top Magoo shape. | ||
| But to be doing that, like, you really should only do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fighting is not something... | ||
| Like, comedy requires a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| And fighting requires a lot. | ||
| And if you do the two of them together, you're going to miss something. | ||
| I felt like that when I was fighting and doing comedy at the same time in the beginning of my stand-up career. | ||
| I was half-assing both of them. | ||
| You just really can't do both. | ||
| Especially back then, I had a full-time job, too. | ||
| It's like, there's no way. | ||
| There's not enough time. | ||
| That's a thing, like, people want to, like, they think they could do everything. | ||
| You fucking can't. | ||
| You gotta know what your time is. | ||
| You know, like, what is the number of hours you have in the day? | ||
| Like, how much time do you really need for something, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, especially when it comes to comedy, you should probably protect your head, not injure your head when you have to remember things and talk. | ||
| That's true, too. | ||
| But a little bit of brain damage is good for comedy. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Like, look at Kenison, look at Roseanne Barr. | ||
| They didn't even get a little bit of brain damage. | ||
| They got a lot of brain damage. | ||
| They both got hit by cars. | ||
| But that's what made them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember when Luke Skywalker got hit by a car after Star Wars and it changed his whole entire look? | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| It fucked his face up, right? | ||
| Looks like a different person almost. | ||
| Almost? | ||
| It kind of looks pretty good now. | ||
| Did it take a while before they figured out how to fix it? | ||
| Well, I just know from if you look at Star Wars and then Empire Strikes Back, I think it was between those two movies, you could tell there was a definite... | ||
| I remember he had some kind of weird scar or something, or they tried to put a lot of makeup on his face to make him look a little bit more normal. | ||
| I thought it was... | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| What the heck? | ||
| Was that before the makeup? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| I don't think that's it. | ||
| I was looking at the picture when he brought up the scar. | ||
| I don't think that's it. | ||
| I think the injury happened afterwards. | ||
| This is from Empire Strikes Back, so that would make sense. | ||
| Okay, before Empire Strikes Back began filming, Hamill was in a car accident and fractured his nose and left cheekbone. | ||
|
unidentified
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Hmm. | |
| What does it say? | ||
| Keep scrolling down again? | ||
| The wampa mauling Skywalker's face may have been a way to explain Hamill's appearance. | ||
| Let me see what it looks like there. | ||
| That's not that much difference. | ||
| Eh, it's a little different. | ||
| If you type in before and after, I remember there was a really good photo that kind of showed... | ||
| I guess I'm used to people getting their faces smashed in. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's funny, but you do get accustomed to that. | ||
| Not much. | ||
| Not that big a difference. | ||
| Yeah, you get accustomed to people getting their face smashed in. | ||
| What number did you set the AC to? | ||
| 69. I'm going to lose weight during this podcast. | ||
| It's at 73. It should be dropping slowly. | ||
| I can't believe how much sweatier these are than the other ones we've used. | ||
| Last time we wore these, I don't remember it being this bad either. | ||
| No. | ||
| This is a different one. | ||
| This is like, this must be that shit that they use when you get trapped in the woods. | ||
| You accidentally bought a real one. | ||
| When you're a hiker? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Because we did wear these silver ones before, but these are new ones. | ||
| These are different. | ||
| Yeah, these are different materials. | ||
| These seem more legit. | ||
| They're keeping you warm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is if, like, you go outside the spaceship. | ||
| We're going to have shiny heads this episode. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My shirt is already soaked. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| So how has been doing Kill Tony here? | ||
| You're doing it at Antones, right? | ||
| It's great, man. | ||
| Antones is an amazing place. | ||
| I love that place. | ||
| It's got a lot of history. | ||
| You know, me and Tony pretty much... | ||
| No, that's the new one. | ||
| Oh, that is? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Antones in general has history, but that Antones is a fairly new location, apparently. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know that. | ||
| I didn't know that either. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, the venue's amazing. | ||
| Me and Tony have actually reset the whole entire show because the band didn't want to move out or they couldn't move out. | ||
| Jeremiah's about to have a baby and stuff like that. | ||
| So we got a whole new band. | ||
| We got Gary Clark Jr.'s band, which is just a legit band. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| And those guys already all got COVID, so they're not worried about shit. | ||
| That makes a lot of sense. | ||
| They're not worried about shit. | ||
| They got COVID when Jamie and I went to see Gary perform. | ||
| Jamie and I went to see Gary perform with Suzanne from Honey Honey and Tony. | ||
| And Tony got COVID. Everybody got COVID but me. | ||
| And me. | ||
| You weren't there that night. | ||
| I know, but... | ||
| But you still haven't got it. | ||
| How do you think you're not getting it? | ||
| I don't know if it's all the stuff you've been telling me to take. | ||
| Like, you know, I've been taking everything from zinc to turmeric or vitamin D, corstein. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| It has to have something to do with it. | ||
| I think that, because I've been around, like, we did a podcast once where it was me, Brian Holtzman, and one of the guys had COVID right across from us, and the next day he got super sick, so he had it while we were all together in this locked, small room. | ||
| And Holtzman didn't get it? | ||
| None of us got it. | ||
| Is Holtzman on the vitamins too? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it makes me wonder if, or that, if it's just some people are immune to it more than others. | ||
| Well, they do say that some people who've gotten colds, you know, like if you got colds and you develop immunity to coronavirus, it might in some way protect you from this coronavirus. | ||
| They also think there's some sort of variability that has to do, a lot of it is just guesswork, right? | ||
| They think there's some variability with blood type. | ||
| They think that like O positive blood, what blood type are you, dude? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm the one that anyone can take, I think. | ||
| I think that's O positive. | ||
| O positive, yeah. | ||
| I think that's it, right? | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think that's it. | ||
| I thought it was smoking for a while. | ||
| But then Dave Chappelle got it. | ||
| Yeah, but Dave has no symptoms at all. | ||
| What's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
O negative. | |
| O negative is the one that everybody can get? | ||
| Universal blood type. | ||
| Dave has no symptoms. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My real estate lady, no symptoms. | ||
| She went through the whole thing. | ||
| She goes, I never felt better in my life! | ||
| I wonder if David lost his sense, though. | ||
| Because I know a lot of people, they didn't have symptoms, but then they lost their taste or smell for like two days. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'll call them later and ask them. | ||
| But Radio Rahim, his buddy, no symptoms either. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's weird, man. | ||
| It's like, I wonder what's going on. | ||
| I wonder if there's a... | ||
| A thing that happens to a virus when it goes through a number of hosts, that it sort of dies off, that it becomes weaker. | ||
| And that's part of herd immunity. | ||
| Part of herd immunity is a bunch of people develop antibodies for it, and also the Spanish flu. | ||
| The Spanish flu kind of just died off. | ||
| And there's a thing about Fauci the other day. | ||
| He said the virus plateaued. | ||
| The problem is, like, you don't know with these motherfuckers how much of what they tell you is political. | ||
| Like, how much did they not tell us while Trump was in office? | ||
| And how much are they telling us now? | ||
| You know, like, in terms of... | ||
| What's safe and what's not safe, opening businesses, what you can do for your health. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's such a fucking weird time. | ||
| I guess the UK has a new version that's more deadly. | ||
| Not more contagious, but more deadly. | ||
| Another new one? | ||
| Yeah, it just came out yesterday or today. | ||
| It's like fucking mixtapes. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And China's wide open. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or where it started. | ||
| I saw this whole thing where they're just like nightclubs are all open. | ||
| Everyone's like going crazy. | ||
| I don't know about that, if that's real. | ||
| That might be propaganda. | ||
| You might get there and fucking everybody's welding inside their homes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| But I do know New Zealand, which has zero cases at all, like Dan Hooker just fought on Fight Island, and he can't go home. | ||
| He's from New Zealand. | ||
| He can't go home until he's quarantined until February 21st. | ||
| So if that means maybe if he goes home, he has to just sit tight and can't go anywhere and can't leave the house until February 21st before he goes outside. | ||
| But they have very strict quarantine laws when you get outside the country. | ||
| I think they have that in America too, right? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| This is Wuhan now. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Yeah, but is that real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These pictures are from a couple days ago. | ||
| They do kind of have masks. | ||
| Some of them do. | ||
| They always wear masks, right? | ||
| She pulled out her mask to smell that dude. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| I just smell you. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
February 2020. March, I guess. | |
| And here we are in 2021, and they're buck wild. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| So what has happened? | ||
| It's gone through the city. | ||
| They haven't been vaccinated, right? | ||
| Do they have a vaccine? | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| I wonder if everyone just got it. | ||
| I'll look through and see if they have a conclusion in here. | ||
| Finally, people are accepting the idea that this might have come from a fucking lab. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| I brought it up once with Brett Weinstein and some fucking ridiculous liberal smear website was saying that I'm promoting a dangerous conspiracy that had emanated from a lab. | ||
| Like, the fucking lab is right there! | ||
| It's not a conspiracy theory. | ||
| The lab's right there. | ||
| Like, it's not like we're making up the fact that there's a level four lab right there. | ||
| It's fucking right there. | ||
| There's two labs there, by the way. | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| Is that a dangerous conspiracy? | ||
| Because they thought it was because of Trump. | ||
| Because Trump. | ||
| Trump was such a problem for so many people. | ||
| Any theory that you had, if Trump was like anti-China, you couldn't say anything that possibly would connect China to making a mistake that caused this virus to be released. | ||
| You'd be a part of it. | ||
| You'd be alt-right. | ||
| How long do you think until Trump comes on this podcast? | ||
| He's not going to. | ||
| You're not going to have him on? | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Even a couple months, maybe, though. | ||
| Why? | ||
| You know, he's going to try to run again, I think. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Yeah, I think he's going to do that Patriot Party thing. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| He's going to do something. | ||
| He's going to come up with some name for it. | ||
| But Patriot Party seems right up his alley. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That seems like the kind of party that a guy who has a gold toilet would come up with. | ||
| That's the name. | ||
| I would imagine he has a gold toilet. | ||
| He calls it the Patriot Party. | ||
| He's probably going to do his first press conference on American flag tie. | ||
| It's probably going to do well if he does, but I don't think it's going to do as well as it did last time. | ||
| It would have done much better if it wasn't for the Capitol Hill attack. | ||
| The Capitol Hill attack sunk his battleship. | ||
| I think that's a wrap. | ||
| I think that's a wrap for him. | ||
| His aspirations... | ||
| First of all, they're never going to let that die. | ||
| They have this thing that he did that is real. | ||
| It's a real thing. | ||
| He really did say, we need a show of strength, march towards the Capitol. | ||
| He really did incite these people to do this. | ||
| And a lot of the people that did do it, they're using him saying that as their legal defense. | ||
| The people that got arrested, they say, Trump told us to. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucked. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| And now he's immune to all these lawsuits. | ||
| I bet he's just going to have piles of lawsuits. | ||
| He's not immune to lawsuits. | ||
| Well, he's also in trouble because whatever lawsuits... | ||
| He could have never pardoned himself from the lawsuits from the state. | ||
| So the state, like all the criminal charges the state was filing against him, were always going to be possible. | ||
| And New York State apparently is filing a bunch of shit against him. | ||
| They're not going to let him go, man. | ||
| It's going to be rough. | ||
| It's going to be a rough time. | ||
| Probably jail time, I imagine. | ||
| He should have pardoned Snowden. | ||
| He should have pardoned Snowden and should have pardoned Julian Assange. | ||
| They're coming after him anyway. | ||
| At least he would have got the support of a lot of people on the left. | ||
| At least he would have got the support of a lot of people that could have at least... | ||
| Acknowledge the positive things that he did. | ||
| Like the fact, oh yeah, the economy was kicking ass before COVID. Oh yeah, unemployment was down. | ||
| Oh yeah, deregulation does have some benefits. | ||
| But yeah, he did bad things. | ||
| But this is, you know, this is real. | ||
| But no one's even going to talk about those things now. | ||
| You'll hear it from some Republicans that'll bring up, what about the good things that Trump did? | ||
| And they'll have like some Fox News segments where they'll discuss it. | ||
| You know, OAN, that network, and Newsmax, they'll fucking try to beat it down, but at the end of the day, that Capitol Hill thing, that's a wrap. | ||
| I'm surprised he didn't do Tiger King, man. | ||
| Like, you know, that guy was trying so hard. | ||
| I think he said that Trump felt like he was too gay to pardon me. | ||
| But meanwhile, he's a perfect example where I don't buy that this country's homophobic. | ||
| Like, that guy was the most popular man in the country for several months during the quarantine when everybody's locked in their house and people loved him. | ||
| They loved him. | ||
| And he's gay as fuck. | ||
| Not only is he gay as fuck, he's converting straight guys. | ||
| He's banging straight guys. | ||
| Giving them meth and butt-fucking them and then having them work with tigers. | ||
| He does a totally irresponsible thing, right? | ||
| He has fucking wild predators that he keeps locked up in these stupid fences. | ||
| He's totally irresponsible. | ||
| But meanwhile, he was our number one hero. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| It just shows you. | ||
| Like, if you're just an undeniable character, and he's an undeniable character, we're like, ah, we fucking like him. | ||
| We don't care if you're gay. | ||
| We don't. | ||
| We just don't like annoying people. | ||
| And if you're gay and you happen to be annoying, people just don't like you, you say, oh, those people are homophobic. | ||
| Maybe not. | ||
| Maybe you're just annoying. | ||
| Maybe people aren't really that homophobic. | ||
| Maybe it's a small percentage of the population today that are homophobic. | ||
| Maybe what's really going on is you're annoying. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Maybe that's it. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Tiger King Joe Exotic now wants a pardon from Biden. | ||
| Eh, not gonna happen. | ||
| It's not gonna happen. | ||
| Buddy, how long is he in jail for? | ||
| Ten years, I believe. | ||
| So he's probably going to be out in five, wouldn't he? | ||
| Is he only in ten years? | ||
| That's what I thought. | ||
| What do you go to jail for? | ||
| Wasn't he trying to kill somebody? | ||
| Unfortunately, Joe Exotic, one of the hit men, yeah, there you go, he attempted to hire, was an undercover FBI agent. | ||
| Exotic was arrested and charged with two counts of murder for hire, eight counts of violating the Lacey Act for falsifying wildlife records, and nine counts of violating the Endangered Species Act. | ||
| Well, how long is he in jail for? | ||
| Why did he think that Trump was going to pardon him? | ||
| It doesn't make any sense that Trump would pardon him. | ||
| Because his... | ||
| Wait, hold on. | ||
| Scroll down again. | ||
| Fox News reports the Exotic legal team had fully believed that Exotic's names would be included on the list of pardons granted by Trump prior to his last day in office. | ||
| One legal team member had even waited in a limousine outside the prison in which Exotic is being held in the event the pardon was announced. | ||
| I was trying to show you a video of that. | ||
| It's a big, long stretch, like Hummer limo. | ||
| Hummer limo, of course it was. | ||
| The limo driver's just sitting there like, anytime now, waiting for the call, it's a sad thing. | ||
| I wonder why they thought Trump was going to do it. | ||
| Well, it's because Trump's people kind of match with him, you know? | ||
| That whole show was pretty much Trump people, or Trumpers, you know? | ||
| Like the cast, I guess. | ||
| Oh, the people that were on it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the less sophisticated Trumpers. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You got Trumpers that are like the Republican businessman type who want no regulations for anything and they want to just be able to dump toxic waste into the river. | ||
| And then you got the Trumpers that are just not that sophisticated. | ||
| They're like, he's my guy! | ||
| You know, when you're like coming down off of meth and you don't want to think too much and he says something cool on TV like, yeah! | ||
| I vote for him! | ||
| You know, they say, I started watching this show last night. | ||
| Have you seen my 1,000 pound sisters? | ||
| Have you talked about this a million times? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I can't. | |
| I can't watch that. | ||
| Wow, that's crack right there. | ||
| I can't watch that. | ||
| All those shows, TLC or whatever network, they do a good job to just reel you in and just make you watch everything. | ||
| Good job of exploiting people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What a good job. | ||
| But yeah, I highly recommend watching that show. | ||
| It makes you feel so good about yourself. | ||
| I highly recommend you try some of this tobacco. | ||
| Oh, this looks like good tobacco. | ||
| It's very good tobacco. | ||
| Yeah, I don't like those shows, man. | ||
| They make me feel sad. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| But particularly people that are overweight. | ||
| Like those people that can't move. | ||
| They need to fucking get cut out of their house. | ||
| They depress the shit out of me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everything changes when you have kids, dude. | ||
| Because you look at them as like, that was someone's baby. | ||
| Like, that was someone's baby. | ||
| This guy... | ||
| He got a shit deal. | ||
| He got parents that just probably didn't pay attention to him or someone abused him or he got terrible habits that he developed early on or he got bullied or horrible things happened and now here he is just satisfying himself with stuffing things in his mouth all day. | ||
| It's sad, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The show is pretty sad and depressing, especially when you realize... | ||
| Because a lot of those people, you always wonder, how much do they really eat? | ||
| And then you watch them ask them, how many soda poppies do you have per day? | ||
| And they're like, 12, 14. Holy shit! | ||
| Yeah, that's where a lot of it comes from, the sugar. | ||
| A lot of them are drinking it. | ||
| They're drinking their fat on. | ||
| Dude, I tell you, Liquid IV has saved my life from not having... | ||
| I used to always be like Diet Cokes and Gatorades and PowerAids and stuff. | ||
| I drink like three of those a day now. | ||
| Dude, the Onnit gym is not too far from here, son. | ||
| How about you go on down there? | ||
| I'm going to build a gym. | ||
| I have a room for a gym. | ||
| I just need to buy something. | ||
| Yeah, but the problem is what you need is a trainer. | ||
| You need someone that makes you work. | ||
| That's what you need. | ||
| That's how you're going to lose weight. | ||
| That's how you're going to get healthy. | ||
| You're not going to do it on your own. | ||
| You know how I know that? | ||
| Because you've never done it yet. | ||
| I've known you forever. | ||
| I'm a trainer. | ||
| I've known you for so many years. | ||
| Yeah, but you've known that I'm good at diets and I can take like... | ||
| You did lose a... | ||
| A shitload of weight once. | ||
| 65 pounds or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, but that was like breakup time and you got energized. | ||
| You were trying to get laid. | ||
| What's weird now is that it's so funny because if you would see what I eat every day, you'd be like, how is that possible? | ||
| Like whatever, my metabolism's just got to be the worst metabolism ever. | ||
| Well, the problem is, here's the thing. | ||
| In order to lose weight, you can't eat reasonably. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because that's just going to keep the weight on you. | ||
| Like where your body's at right now, right? | ||
| Your body's not burning the fat, right? | ||
| Especially if you're eating carbohydrates. | ||
| Your body is burning mostly probably carbs. | ||
| So whatever you eat, if you eat enough to just fuel you during the day, you will stay the exact same weight. | ||
| And people are like, well, look, Brian eats really reasonably. | ||
| True. | ||
| But that doesn't make up for all the shit you ate all those years that make the weight pack on you. | ||
| So to lose weight, you have to be at a calorie deficit. | ||
| That's the end of it. | ||
| You could go keto, and you can go paleo, and there's probably some benefits in that, and bloating, and visceral fat. | ||
| You know, from eating too much gluten and sugar and stuff. | ||
| But at the end of the day, the only real way to lose weight is to be at a calorie deficit. | ||
| Like when I was doing the carnivore diet last year, I lost a shitload of weight because I didn't do any cheating. | ||
| This year I cheated a bunch. | ||
| I got bored. | ||
| I ate chips the other day with salsa. | ||
| It was so delicious. | ||
| And I've had dessert three times. | ||
| So I've cheated like at least four times. | ||
| But still, pretty strict. | ||
| Other than that, I'm just eating meat. | ||
| But that year, I didn't cheat at all. | ||
| Last year, I didn't cheat at all, and I didn't eat much. | ||
| I ate mostly ribeyes. | ||
| I was eating like ribeye steaks. | ||
| I'd eat a ribeye in the morning, and then I'd be pretty satisfied until nighttime, and then I'd eat a little bit of meat at nighttime, and I lost 12 pounds in a month. | ||
| I've lost five pounds this year. | ||
| I loved being on the keto. | ||
| I want to actually do that again, especially living here. | ||
| But it's just so boring after five months or so. | ||
| You're just like, God, I just want chips and sauce. | ||
| Sometimes you just want a bowl of rice. | ||
| Sometimes you just want rice with chicken and some garlic sauce. | ||
| You remember that place, that Cuban place that was in Encino? | ||
| Did you ever eat there with us? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| What's that called again? | ||
| For size. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| For size. | ||
| Cuban food. | ||
| The sandwich, the pepper sandwiches. | ||
| Me and you, Joey Diaz. | ||
| Dude, that chicken with garlic. | ||
| It's like a garlic lemon sauce with onions. | ||
| With a lot of raw onions and rice. | ||
| We would just... | ||
| Just inflate ourselves at that place. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| There's something about interesting cultures. | ||
| Foods are so distinctive. | ||
| If you go to a Cuban restaurant, the food is almost like the people. | ||
| It's almost like festive and celebratory. | ||
| The food's got a lot of fun to it. | ||
| Whereas other food is like... | ||
| I mean, I guess sushi is disciplined, right? | ||
| Because of these disciplined portions, and the tastes are delicate, and it's made... | ||
| Have you ever seen Jiro Dreams of Sushi? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's amazing, right? | ||
| I thought it was going to be boring. | ||
| I was like, I'm not going to watch a documentary around a guy who makes sushi. | ||
| You cut fish, you put it on rice. | ||
| Ignorant me. | ||
| You watch it and you go, oh, okay. | ||
| Well, this is like everything else. | ||
| Making sushi is kind of like everything else. | ||
| There's some people that just go way past where everybody else is doing it. | ||
| That's that ATX Sushi Bar ATX, whatever they call it. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What is the name of it? | ||
| Sushi Bar ATX? Yeah. | ||
| The place out here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Goddamn, it was good, dude. | ||
| Yeah, I have a reservation next month. | ||
| I'm freaking out. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| But they're artists. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Like, that was becoming friends with Bourdain and watching his show. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Sushi Bar. | ||
| It made me realize, mostly watching his show really made me realize, even before I became friends with him, that food is an art form. | ||
| I didn't think of it that way. | ||
| I always just thought of it as food. | ||
| Just, it tastes good. | ||
| Oh, that guy knows how to make that. | ||
| Oh, that's delicious when she makes it. | ||
| It's good food. | ||
| But I didn't realize, like, oh, that's like... | ||
| Like, I'm narrow-minded with my view of what an art is, you know? | ||
| Yeah, especially when it comes with food. | ||
| If you can make me eat something that I normally think is disgusting and make me go crave it, that's amazing. | ||
| Like, when you first, a long time ago, you took me to get Fog Raw for my first time, and I was scared. | ||
| I was disgusted. | ||
| I was like, you're, like, telling me how horrible it is and how... | ||
| I mean, not horrible, but what they do. | ||
| This is like me having sushi. | ||
| I had sushi for my first time 10 years prior to this. | ||
| I'm a new Ohio guy. | ||
| And I remember you sat me down, and you got me my own plate. | ||
| You're like, you want your own. | ||
| I'm thinking in my head, I'm going to barf. | ||
| I'm going to have to force myself to eat this. | ||
| That first bite, it just melted in your mouth like butter and just so delicious. | ||
| Your body knows that liver is good for you. | ||
| It's just like regular liver just is too weird. | ||
| The texture is weird. | ||
| We're babies when it comes to food. | ||
| But you know who knows? | ||
| Dogs. | ||
| You ever eat liver around your dog? | ||
| They go fucking crazy. | ||
| They get real close to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, please, please hook me up. | |
| It's like no other food to them. | ||
| It appeals to their weird wolf DNA. They want the liver. | ||
| You would think, though, after that I started getting adventurous because you showed me what real good food like that is. | ||
| So I went into that animal place in Hollywood and I went and got brain. | ||
| I think it was like cow brain. | ||
| Oh, calves brain probably. | ||
| Yeah, you'd think that was good. | ||
| That was horrible. | ||
| That was creepy. | ||
| I did not like that. | ||
| Even though it was prepared, probably amazing. | ||
| It was the texture of... | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That cotton candy foie gras. | ||
| Oh yeah, that was in Vegas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bazaar? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, Bazaar. | ||
| That is very good. | ||
| Bazaar Meats in Vegas. | ||
| It was basically cotton candy with fogwa in it. | ||
| What did that taste like? | ||
| That does not seem good at all. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| It was just like a bite of food. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| It's very small, but it's amazing. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It's small. | ||
| I thought that was a big thing. | ||
| That's a place where they're dedicated to a certain style of cooking meat. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's cool. | |
| They were cool. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| I remember we ordered it and they were like, whoa, is this it? | ||
| That place, they're dedicated to cooking meat over wood coals. | ||
| They burn their own wood. | ||
| You remember that? | ||
| See if you can get a photo of the grill at that place. | ||
| Because it's pretty dope, man. | ||
| Like, they made their own grill. | ||
| Like, they put logs in there and shit. | ||
| And then the wood burns down to these coals, and they scrape the coals down, and then they lower the grill. | ||
| It's all, like, by hand. | ||
| It's all old school, sort of like... | ||
| There's a lot of Florence, Italy. | ||
| They make their steaks like that. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| See? | ||
| So it's logs, and they're cooking the food right over the wood, and there's a flavor that gives... | ||
| That's why those Traeger grills are so good, because it's really just wood and fire. | ||
| But these guys do it like the super old-school-y way with logs. | ||
| So it's just fire and wood. | ||
| It's not propane. | ||
| They're just lighting logs on fire. | ||
| And the food is just like... | ||
| There's something about it, man. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| A lot of places they do it that way. | ||
| See how they have these logs underneath? | ||
| And then they just push it to the side. | ||
| And then they can raise and lower that wheel. | ||
| See the wheels on the top? | ||
| Those are what operate the height of the grill. | ||
| So they decide, like, oh, this fire is hot as fuck. | ||
| Let me raise this bitch up. | ||
| Or I want to try to cook it a little slower. | ||
| I want to wait on it. | ||
| Or bring it up to the top and cook it slow. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| There's something about when people do it with real wood, right? | ||
| Like if you go to a barbecue place, you see them using the barbecue pits and throwing the logs in there and checking it and tending it. | ||
| You know it's annoying, right? | ||
| It's got to be annoying. | ||
| How much time does that take? | ||
| I used to do that in the Boy Scouts back in the day. | ||
| I haven't done it since. | ||
| Like cooking a brisket, if you do it right, I bet that takes like fucking eight hours or some shit. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| How long does it take to cook a brisket? | ||
| Eight to ten hours at home. | ||
| Professional Argentinian parilla? | ||
| So this is what it is for a home or restaurant. | ||
| How much is this? | ||
| Joe, what would you guess this is? | ||
| The wood's big and it's beautiful so it probably costs a lot of money. | ||
| Yep, let's guess. | ||
| Look at how it's got it, man. | ||
| Oh, this is amazing. | ||
| And you can roll it down. | ||
| You got a folding shelf. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| All the prep. | ||
| I want that girl so bad. | ||
| Isn't it funny that what is old is now new? | ||
| People like doing caveman shit. | ||
| There's something about sitting in front of a fire. | ||
| I bet it was hard to get a fire for so long that that shit's burned into our DNA. It's like catching a fish. | ||
| It's fucking hard to catch a fish, right? | ||
| So when you catch a fish, your body's like, oh, we got one. | ||
| Why are you excited about catching a fish? | ||
| You would not be excited if you caught like a duck with a hook. | ||
| You'd be sad. | ||
| You're like, shit, I got this duck all fucked up. | ||
| But meanwhile, you eat duck. | ||
| So why are we so excited about catching fish? | ||
| Because it was probably really fucking hard to do. | ||
| So, like, it's probably really fucking hard to have a campfire. | ||
| So when you're camping, it's not just the campfire feels good. | ||
| It, like, fires up some old, like, ancient DNA memory. | ||
| Like, oh, campfire, good. | ||
| We stay alive tonight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yes. | ||
| We did it. | ||
| Like, being out there alone, with the sky above you, nothing but stars and trees and shit, and you've got a fire in front of you, like, oh. | ||
| It's a special kind of excitement, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| And then you know you're just going to lay down in a little cloth house in the wilderness. | ||
| The only thing that saves you is like maybe you have a weapon or maybe you have your friends will beat the bear off of you. | ||
| They decide to just like use your fucking tent as a sushi wrap for your body, you know? | ||
| Like people have been attacked in tents before. | ||
| One of Steve Rinella's friends had a hunting trip where this guy was his first time, not that guy, but the guy's friend, was his first time hunting. | ||
| And in the sleeping bag, I think it was his first night, he got attacked by a 500-pound predatory black bear. | ||
| And they shot the bear, and apparently the bullet hit the dude in the wrist, so it broke the guy's wrist. | ||
| So they shot the bear and eventually shot it and killed it. | ||
| But, like, his friend shot the bear and the bullet hit him. | ||
| Like... | ||
| Like, fuck, man! | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, but, you know, if you've got a bear mauling you and you've got your arms raised and your buddy shoots it and it hits you, like... | ||
| What a rough night. | ||
| You got shot. | ||
| You're getting mauled. | ||
| The bear's literally trying to eat you while you're in your bed. | ||
| Everybody's worth a nightmare. | ||
| Go to sleep in this cloth fucking fake house in the middle of the wilderness. | ||
| Should be fine. | ||
| Everybody loves to do it. | ||
| Everybody knows what they're doing, right? | ||
| And all of a sudden... | ||
| This thing is tearing your body apart. | ||
| Your friend shoots you. | ||
| And eventually they get it. | ||
| What a night. | ||
| I was just watching the Patriot last night. | ||
| Remember wolves we've talked about were an issue in a couple wars, but were bears? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Did they have to stop fighting because bears were fucking people up? | ||
| No, that's not real. | ||
| No, no, that's not real. | ||
| Bears don't act in packs. | ||
| See, the things that makes wolves so dangerous is they act in packs. | ||
| And so during World War I, when the Russians and the Germans literally did have a ceasefire, now the Meat Eater website actually went and researched this, because I've said it so many times irresponsibly. | ||
| But I was told it by a legitimate historian, I believe. | ||
| I'm trying to remember who told me it. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| It's that goddamn tobacco. | ||
| Gosh, darn that tobacco. | ||
| Gosh, darn that tobacco. | ||
| But it was a real thing. | ||
| They really did have a ceasefire because the troops were getting torn apart by wolves. | ||
| Because wolves, when they're hungry, man, if you've got to think about it, there's a few hundred guys, and how many bullets can you even fire back then? | ||
| I'm looking at their website. | ||
| This has become a favorite bit of bar and banter among amateur historians like the powerful Joe Rogan. | ||
| I'm not even a fucking amateur historian. | ||
| Maybe one day I'd like to be an amateur historian guy. | ||
| So in 1917, a dispatch from Berlin noted large packs of wolves moving into populated areas of the German Empire from the forests of Lithuania and look at that name, Volhynia. | ||
| Volhynia. | ||
| Locals hypothesized that war efforts displaced the wolves so the canines started seeking out new hunting grounds. | ||
| The hungry wolves infiltrated rural villages, attacked calves, sheep, goats, and in two cases, children. | ||
| They also showed up on the front lines, feeding on the fallen and sometimes taking advantage of incapacitated fighters. | ||
| Parties of the Russians and German scouts met recently and were hotly engaged in a skirmish when a large pack of wolves dashed on the scene and attacked the wounded. | ||
| Holy fuck. | ||
| Reported in a 1917 Oklahoma City Times article, Hostilities were at once suspended and Germans and Russians instinctively attacked the pack, killing about 50 wolves. | ||
| The Russian and German soldiers temporarily stopped being enemies. | ||
| Once they found a common foe, both sides agreed to a ceasefire if the wolves interrupted another battle. | ||
| Isn't that hilarious? | ||
| Poison, rifle, hand grenades, and even machine guns were successfully tried in attempts to eradicate the nuisance, according to a 1917 New York Times article. | ||
| But all to no avail. | ||
| The wolves, nowhere to be found quite so large and powerful as in Russia, were desperate in their hunger and... | ||
| And regardless of danger, as a last resort, two adversaries with the consent of their commanders entered into negotiations for an armistice and joined forces to overcome the wolf plague. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Isn't that wild? | ||
| That's what people really need, right? | ||
| We need aliens invading us so we come together like in a Tom Cruise movie. | ||
| That's what America needs right now. | ||
| We need an alien invasion. | ||
| That's what the wolves are, right? | ||
| They're not us. | ||
| They're something else. | ||
| We can all decide. | ||
| I like people, even Russians that we're at war with or Germans that we're at war with, if you're on the other side. | ||
| I like them more than I like wolves. | ||
| What if we have an alien invasion like every week and we just don't know about it? | ||
| Well, isn't that what a virus is, man? | ||
| What's a virus? | ||
| You know, I know it's here. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it's not us. | ||
| And it's an invasion. | ||
| Like, this thing, it's almost like, if one day, right, Elon Musk is terrified about artificial intelligence. | ||
| Not terrified. | ||
| He should stop making shit. | ||
| Reasonably concerned. | ||
| No, I think he's right. | ||
| You know, I think a lot of scientists are concerned about the one day, what happens if one day you get a sentient, you know, meaning something that can think for itself... | ||
| artificial thing that decides it wants to take over the world and it wants to build other artificial things like i don't know how you would get those instincts i guess you would have to program it into it or would it develop them eventually when it realizes like if you give it give it a certain amount of autonomy if you gave artificial intelligence a certain amount of ability to read like it'll think through its mind and read the future like see how the future is going to play out if it goes about things the way it's going about things right now | ||
| okay you know i'm gonna have to change my programming and make it so the the best way is like i make more of me because these silly fucking apes with their nuclear weapons these people are crazy and they made me Jesus Christ. | ||
| They don't know what they're doing. | ||
| I don't need them around. | ||
| They're going to fuck up everything. | ||
| They're ruining the whole world. | ||
| They don't know how to make a better version of me. | ||
| So it would make a better version of itself. | ||
| And it would also develop all the instincts that all the other animals have, all the other life forms that we're aware of when they have to survive. | ||
| They develop weapons. | ||
| Why do you think walruses have that big-ass tusk? | ||
| They use that as a weapon, right? | ||
| Like gorillas. | ||
| Tied balloons too. | ||
| Gorillas have weapons. | ||
| Gorillas just eat plants all day. | ||
| They don't have to kill anything with their mouth. | ||
| All that shit is to keep other gorillas from fucking their girl. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| And I guess animals, to keep other animals. | ||
| But who's going to attack a fucking gorilla? | ||
| They just go to sleep on the ground. | ||
| Artificial just needs an operating system so that it can grow. | ||
| Once it has a formula, that's when it's going to start cloning itself and it's going to start making an army. | ||
| Like that dog that Elon had, that was chasing Daniel Rawlings' dog around in the hallways of the hotel. | ||
| Did you see that video? | ||
| I did not. | ||
| But I guess Elon has that fake robot dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the shit. | ||
| You give that dog an operating system, it learns how to make itself, you know, and start fucking attacking anything that tries to stop it. | ||
| But you saw that episode of Black Mirror, right? | ||
| Which one? | ||
| Heavy Metal, where there's this drone, spoiler alert, that's chasing this lady. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Remember that one? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| It's trying to kill her. | ||
| Last season? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I haven't watched that many of those. | ||
| Me neither. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love it every time I watch it, but it's one of those things where I've never watched that many of them. | ||
| I like the likes and the up-down likes. | ||
| We talked about that a long time ago, about Facebook likes and up-down likes, and then they made, that's pretty much the whole episode about that. | ||
| Yeah, we talked about that for people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Yeah, that was the episode. | ||
| That thing was so crazy and so scary and so realistic. | ||
| That's Elon's dog. | ||
| I think what we're talking about with the virus being leaked from a lab, I'm sure no one wanted to kill 2 million people. | ||
| I'm sure it was an accident, right, if it did get leaked from a lab. | ||
| But that would be the same thing if an artificial intelligence robot war machine got leaked from a lab and just took over a factory and started building versions of itself far superior. | ||
| And they made an army and decided to take everyone's weapons away, give everyone the amount of food they need every day so they can't get fat. | ||
| What if these things just decide to be logical with us? | ||
| And you have too many kids, we're going to kill two of them. | ||
| What if it just decided we need to keep the population of people down, this is part of what's wrong with the earth, why all these animals are dying. | ||
| We're looking at a chart. | ||
| This is how much death and destruction in terms of environment that human beings are responsible for. | ||
| And the only sensible, logical thing, since you're going to die anyway, is to kill off a giant number of you right now, because we need to lower their numbers. | ||
| You'd be like, what are you talking about? | ||
| And then all of a sudden the government sends you applications in the mail. | ||
| You get to recommend what person of your family dies. | ||
| So you have to sit around, and you have to decide. | ||
| One of us has to die. | ||
| Who's it going to be? | ||
| Is it going to be me? | ||
| Because if it's me, who's going to protect you? | ||
| Is it going to be you? | ||
| Because if it's you, then who's going to be the mom? | ||
| Is it going to be one of the kids? | ||
| Which one do you not like? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Imagine if it comes down to that. | ||
| Imagine if it comes down to that. | ||
| That is what happens when things get away from people. | ||
| They get away from your control. | ||
| I know it sounds crazy, but didn't coronavirus sound crazy before it hit us? | ||
| We lived our whole lives without a real pandemic. | ||
| The one that, like, really affected civilization this way and shut everything down for, like, now we're going on, what, 10 months? | ||
| Right? | ||
| Dude, if they had an artificial intelligence, like, the Terminator movie, that shit could be real. | ||
| Absolutely, and I think it's sooner than later. | ||
| Like, I almost feel like we'll see the beginning of it when we get super old, you know? | ||
| Just think how silly we are, man. | ||
| Think of the things that we fight about, things that we think are important. | ||
| Think of how gullible Some of the supporters of various politicians have been. | ||
| We don't even have to name names. | ||
| You know what the fuck I'm talking about. | ||
| To know that those people are amongst us and they vote just like you do. | ||
| Their vote counts the same way that yours does. | ||
| Their opinions count the same way that your opinions count. | ||
| And they're so fucked up. | ||
| There's so many of them. | ||
| They're so fucked up. | ||
| And there's so many people that are not empathetic. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| So many people that think that if you're on the other side, whether you're on the red side or the blue side, fuck them. | ||
| You know, these are baby-eating pedophiles and these are QAnon-believing racists and... | ||
| We're, like, divided in the weirdest way. | ||
| Because I don't think it's real. | ||
| I think when you get most people together in real life, they're not that divided. | ||
| The problem is they get in big groups. | ||
| They act like... | ||
| Big groups becomes like the internet, right? | ||
| Like, ah! | ||
| Which shows, like, the bullying of the internet. | ||
| Like, when someone jumps on a case and other people are like, ah! | ||
| Let me get my kicks in. | ||
| You just want to dive on a person. | ||
| It's not much different than crowds mauling cops. | ||
| That guy would never maul that cop in real life. | ||
| That guy was hitting the cop at the Capitol. | ||
| He would never do that in real life. | ||
| But when there's thousands of people behind you screaming, you'll fucking do it. | ||
| You'll do all that shit. | ||
| That's what happens with people. | ||
| We're fucking strange, man. | ||
| And we could be divided in the easiest of ways. | ||
| That's what we should be most concerned with. | ||
| There's a lot of enemies we have to be concerned with. | ||
| We have to be concerned with people that are trying to infiltrate our power grid and shut us down and fuck up the internet. | ||
| We gotta be worried about cyber attacks and physical attacks and terrorist attacks. | ||
| We gotta be worried about all that shit. | ||
| All that shit's real. | ||
| But we also got to be worried about attacks on each other. | ||
| We got to be worried about that maybe even more than anything else. | ||
| Because that could really be our undoing because it'll leave us weak and vulnerable. | ||
| This attacking each other and this lack of a person that could bring people together. | ||
| Like one person who could just, just so you can hear it. | ||
| Just hear it because we all need to hear it. | ||
| We're all on the same fucking team. | ||
| This is America. | ||
| That's what it's supposed to be about. | ||
| It's not supposed to be your version of America and my version of America. | ||
| That's why tolerance is so important. | ||
| It's supposed to be we're all the same. | ||
| Oh, he likes to do this and she likes to do that. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| Are you nice? | ||
| Do you not steal my car? | ||
| We're friends. | ||
| Great! | ||
| That's what it's supposed to be. | ||
| We've just got to be more of that. | ||
| The real problems that we have, one of the real problems they have, we need fucking problems. | ||
| We go looking for problems. | ||
| And we don't have problems, we'll find them. | ||
| We'll find them. | ||
| We'll find them in other people. | ||
| And it's like a lack of being... | ||
| Healthy in your own mind and in your own life. | ||
| Where you can look at that and go, what is that instinct? | ||
| Oh, that's some leftover shit. | ||
| Because it used to be really important to be in conflict. | ||
| Because you had to take over. | ||
| You wanted to get that food. | ||
| You only had enough food for your village. | ||
| You've got to take over this village. | ||
| There's no women in our tribe. | ||
| We've got to do something, guys. | ||
| We've got to go find some women. | ||
| We've got to go fight. | ||
| We literally had to fight with sticks to see who gets to fuck. | ||
| All that stuff's still in our head, man. | ||
| All that fucking old, weird DNA is still in our system. | ||
| What else do you think is going to come back? | ||
| Because you were saying how it's weird how the old stuff is coming back with those grills. | ||
| You know, like the wood and fire. | ||
| It's almost like hopscotch and marbles. | ||
| Marbles were fun. | ||
| Marbles were the best. | ||
| Dude, I used to love marbles. | ||
| I had like a little suede sack with the drawstring. | ||
| I'd keep my marbles in there. | ||
| Some really pretty ones. | ||
| My grandfather made that thing where it was like you drop a marble on the top and go... | ||
| Have you ever seen one of those? | ||
| I have, yeah. | ||
| He used to build those. | ||
| You know what's killing it right now? | ||
| Chess. | ||
| Because of The Queen's Gambit. | ||
| Such a good show. | ||
| Did you finish it? | ||
| I did. | ||
| Oh, great. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| That's one of those, how the fuck did I like this? | ||
| Here's another thing. | ||
| That's another example. | ||
| Like when people say that we need more diversity in film, we need more women films and this. | ||
| No, we just need stuff that's great. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| It really doesn't matter. | ||
| It doesn't matter if it's male or female. | ||
| And if you're a woman and you can't get roles, I get it. | ||
| It's probably really annoying. | ||
| However, but for final product, final product, People are more than willing to take a female hero. | ||
| It just has to be a good movie. | ||
| That's like Aliens, the perfect example. | ||
| Nobody gave a shit that it was a woman that was the hero in the end of that movie because that movie was fucking lit, right? | ||
| It was so perfect. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| You never thought, wow, there was a woman, a powerful woman figure in that movie. | ||
| You didn't even think about it. | ||
| Maybe you would if you were a woman and you were looking for a powerful woman figure. | ||
| But it was never forced down your throat, you know? | ||
| It was never like Carrie Fisher being the emperor in Star Wars. | ||
| You're like, wait, what? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| And her and Laura Dern are like, we're the best and we're the generals. | ||
| And you're like, come on. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| This is not good. | ||
| The alien, when you see Sigourney Weaver at the end, you bitch, get away from her! | ||
| Like, that's real! | ||
| That's real! | ||
| When she's in the machine in Aliens 2, the second one. | ||
| Was that the milk one? | ||
| No, that was the first one. | ||
| The milk one? | ||
| Where he gets all milky, that guy gets cut in half. | ||
| Oh, that was the first one. | ||
| Yeah, that was the first one. | ||
| Yeah, he got torn apart and they reactivated. | ||
| Fuck my brain. | ||
| Isn't it funny what they thought computers were going to look like back then? | ||
| It was all, like, whack graphics. | ||
| And it was all numbers. | ||
| Nobody had figured out a graphic user interface yet, you know? | ||
| It's like war games. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| You just typed in, like, shall we play a game? | ||
| Do you want to play a game? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Isn't it funny, like, what people thought computers were going to be? | ||
| Because you never thought it was going to be, like, a brand new smartphone. | ||
| Where you'll have all these graphic things you're moving across. | ||
| That's why it's so addictive, right? | ||
| Because we're looking at all this cool shit. | ||
| And the cooler the shit is, the more addictive it is. | ||
| Like, you know they have that Samsung phone that's out now? | ||
| The Galaxy S21 comes out this week. | ||
| The Ultra. | ||
| Has a 120Hz refresh rate. | ||
| A giant 6.7 inch screen. | ||
| And it's brighter than any screen that's ever existed. | ||
| It's like the brightest smartphone screen ever. | ||
| And it's got a giant battery. | ||
| And you look and you're like, these motherfuckers are just drawing you in. | ||
| They're just drawing you in. | ||
| Yeah, but I think once you go Fold, you won't go back. | ||
| It's all about having an iPad out of nowhere. | ||
| Like, the Galaxy Fold 2 is killing me. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| You got it right here? | ||
| No, I didn't bring it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you keep an iPhone 2. Yeah, I keep an iPhone from A1. Isn't that interesting? | |
| Yeah, this is more for surfing. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Oh yeah, I get it. | ||
| I want to see a full screen YouTube video right now. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it's good for, right? | ||
| Like having a second phone that is just a media device. | ||
| A baby laptop. | ||
| Have you seen that new folding technology that came out that instead of having it fold out, it rolls out and just makes the phone bigger that they just showed on E3 a couple weeks ago. | ||
| That looks like someone's going to break it real quick. | ||
| Well, no, it folds into this... | ||
| You're going to trip and fall into the door. | ||
| It's going to bend in your hand like it's made out of toilet paper. | ||
| If it can bend like that, it's not rigid. | ||
| No, no, but the back is still, you know, hard. | ||
| Look, you should look at a video. | ||
| It's so hard, dude. | ||
| Jamie gave me some of his pills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy. | |
| No, it's cool because it expands with the phone. | ||
| There's like a roller thing. | ||
| Yeah, but that's where it's got to be fragile. | ||
| Yeah, but I think there's protection. | ||
| If you put protection around, it's like anything else. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Supposedly that might not even come out, though. | ||
| They showed the video and it says there's a bunch of things that might not come out now. | ||
| Is it like a proof of concept kind of thing? | ||
| Oh, I heard LG's getting out of the phone game. | ||
| I think that's why. | ||
| Well, no, they make the screens. | ||
| Most screens you buy nowadays is made by LG. It's just re-branded. | ||
| Some screens. | ||
| Samsung makes their own screens. | ||
| And they make a lot of Apple screens, too. | ||
| But the LG company, I think, is going to stop making phones. | ||
| They've been making some weird phones. | ||
| Like they made that one phone that flips sideways. | ||
| You know that one that turns into a T? Yeah, the flipper. | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| When does that come up? | ||
| When do I need a phone to turn into a fucking T? Yeah, but it's the Samsung wing. | ||
| Yeah, what is that? | ||
| That's so dumb. | ||
| It costs $5. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| It costs $0? | ||
| They're giving it away. | ||
| They're giving it away. | ||
| $29 a month for 24 months. | ||
| And they give it to you for free. | ||
| Yeah, but at least LG is thinking outside the box a little. | ||
| That's not outside the box. | ||
| That's in the litter box. | ||
| They're thinking in the box. | ||
| I like the iPhone 12. I think it's solid. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| iPhone 12's great, but it didn't work for me. | ||
| Oh, what do you have? | ||
| Yeah, I fucking got an iPhone 11. Because the iPhone 12, I bought it, and then I brought it to Verizon. | ||
| They turned it on. | ||
| Everything's great. | ||
| In the morning, I wake up, and it just doesn't work anymore. | ||
| It won't connect. | ||
| It won't go to the internet. | ||
| It won't do anything. | ||
| So I contact Verizon, like, yeah, sometimes that happens with the new 12s. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| Like, you have to buy them from us. | ||
| Like, if you buy them from Verizon, they work every time, but if you buy it unlocked from the Apple store and then you try to apply it to the Verizon network. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's bullshit. | |
| That's bullshit. | ||
| They couldn't figure out how to do it, dude. | ||
| I was in the store for an hour and a half, and then I was on the phone for an hour, and I said, listen, turn the old phone back on. | ||
| I'm going to give you the numbers for the old phone. | ||
| So I have my 11. No shit. | ||
| I have my fucking 12. Dude, I could have fixed it for you. | ||
| My 12's a brick. | ||
| I can fix it for you. | ||
| How are you going to fix it? | ||
| Because it's easy. | ||
| Also, you should not be on Verizon Network anymore. | ||
| That's old school shit. | ||
| What should I do? | ||
| Where should I go? | ||
| Obviously, T-Mobile. | ||
| Do you have a deal with T-Mobile? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| But they also teamed up with Sprint. | ||
| So now, it's like two of the... | ||
| But in... | ||
| I'm not going to call you out on this, but I know you talked to that CEO. He's not even the CEO anymore. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| John, yeah. | ||
| Who's the new guy? | ||
| I don't even know the new guy. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| I promise you, I don't have any connection. | ||
| But don't you have loyalty to John? | ||
| A little bit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Once John left, I didn't give a fuck. | ||
| T-Mobile, no offense, seems like a mall company. | ||
| There's a kiosk at the mall. | ||
| It used to be. | ||
| It used to be. | ||
| See, here's the thing. | ||
| Is that bad, Jamie? | ||
| I could break it down in like a minute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sure it's great. | |
| Maybe I should switch. | ||
| I'll break it down in a minute. | ||
| They were really huge in Germany, I think it was. | ||
| And then they came here. | ||
| Oh, they're Nazis. | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| They're probably Nazis. | ||
| I'm kidding. | ||
| I'm kidding, T-Mobile. | ||
| I'll buy a phone. | ||
| Don't get mad. | ||
| I'm going to switch over to T-Mobile. | ||
| But you know, the cool thing about them is that when they came here, they were considered shitty because they were building the LTE network in the next thing. | ||
| And so once that came out, they were way ahead of Verizon and everybody else. | ||
| And that's why they started kicking ass. | ||
| You know what else they had? | ||
| The sidekick. | ||
| Back in the day, yeah. | ||
| They were the ones. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it was T-Mobile. | ||
| T-Mobile changed the game with the sidekick. | ||
| I remember Chuck Liddell had a sidekick. | ||
| And I was real impressed with him. | ||
| Except the camera. | ||
| Remember the camera sucked and we always went the Motorola E18 route? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was that it? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| We were also in texting then. | ||
| That was when I had that joke about texting. | ||
| It takes you four presses to get an R. I'm like, call me, bitch. | ||
| Fucking call me. | ||
| People don't know that back then you had a text from your phone with the numbers, and you would have to press the R. It was four presses to get an R. You'd have to go through all the other letters. | ||
| It took forever. | ||
| It was so annoying. | ||
| And then some people try to convince you, no, I just used this T9 predictive text. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| No! | ||
| I want a typewriter! | ||
| And then they came out with ones that had typewriters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, oh! | |
| That was nice. | ||
| So much better. | ||
| So much better. | ||
| Yeah, the camera sucked. | ||
| I was always going the other route. | ||
| Like, Trio was good for that. | ||
| Remember we had those Trios? | ||
| Wasn't the T-Mobile sidekick the first time that people got busted with dick pics? | ||
| Wasn't that the invention of the dick pic? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| For phones? | ||
| The first time you could take a picture with your phone, I'm sure someone did that. | ||
| But wasn't that the first dick pic scandals? | ||
| Or naked people scandals? | ||
| It was mostly girls, I think. | ||
| But didn't they save the photo on the phone? | ||
| Oh, I remember what you're talking about. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Did someone put their phone in to get it fixed and people took the pictures off? | ||
| It saved it to the e-card or the... | ||
| What's the card? | ||
| Sim card? | ||
| Sim card. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Do you remember this? | ||
| Am I making this up? | ||
| I kind of feel like I remember that. | ||
| I'm not making it up? | ||
| Paris Hilton's hacked sidekick. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's exactly what it is. | ||
| It was Paris Hilton. | ||
| I remember because I was thinking there was some other stuff with her, right? | ||
| Well, sure. | ||
| But it's hard to say what was real and what was staged. | ||
| Because there was a time, it didn't last that long, but where famous girls were giving up cooter shots getting out of limos. | ||
| And it was so obvious that for the camera to be in the position that it was to take that photo, that these ladies must have been aware. | ||
| And so there was a thing where girls were stepping out of limos with skirts on and showing their pussy. | ||
| And it was like famous girls were doing it. | ||
| And you remember that? | ||
| It just stopped. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| It just stopped. | ||
| Do you remember it? | ||
| Are you being sarcastic? | ||
| Yeah, that's one of those things you realize, wait, who was the cameraman? | ||
| That used to be a thing that no one thought about. | ||
| Sidekick disaster shows data's not safe in the cloud. | ||
| And this is 2008? | ||
| I didn't even know they had a cloud back in 2008. Oh, that's right. | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
| I'm going to try Android. | ||
| Yeah, I do both. | ||
| You should do both, man. | ||
| I'm going to try this Galaxy S21 Ultra. | ||
| I just don't like... | ||
| There's a lot of things that I'm upset with when it comes to the Apple system. | ||
| I don't like this iMessage weirdness. | ||
| I don't like this. | ||
| People send me a text and it comes in green, but if you send an iMessage, it's blue. | ||
| I feel like I'm being lied to. | ||
| Well, you just got to start hanging out with blues more, man. | ||
| You just got to hang out with blues. | ||
| The thing is, though, on the other hand, it's encrypted. | ||
| It is more private. | ||
| Apple is way better when it comes to privacy. | ||
| They've taken legitimate steps to not just protect your data. | ||
| When you use the Maps app, they don't give your fucking data away. | ||
| They don't sell your data. | ||
| They get rid of all of it. | ||
| And then also, when you think about... | ||
| This new move that they're doing where you can opt out of websites getting your information, right? | ||
| What is exactly what it is? | ||
| You can opt out of receiving ads. | ||
| Sharing your information. | ||
| Sharing your information. | ||
| There's a few different things you can opt out of, though, right? | ||
| Yeah, I was actually, just last night, someone posted something about off, it's called like off Facebook data or something like that. | ||
| I dug through the settings to find it. | ||
| I don't know how long they've been able to do this, but you can go into your Facebook settings and see what advertisers see of you and if you want to change that. | ||
| You can turn it all off. | ||
| Yeah, you can turn a bunch of it off. | ||
| There was something that said like future off Facebook data. | ||
| Since it's like tracking data on your... | ||
| I don't know if this is exactly what it sounded like. | ||
| It's tracking the data of your future computer browsing to give you ads in the future off of... | ||
| I just clicked it off. | ||
| I was turning it all off. | ||
| It doesn't sound good. | ||
| That's why the new Safari filters everything you go through the Safari and people are pissed off about it like Facebook. | ||
| Because they're not giving them that data anymore. | ||
| Because they're going to lose all that data. | ||
| They're going to lose tons of money because of this. | ||
| They've been doing something they should have never been allowed to do and they've gotten addicted to it. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I guess there's just a vague, like, hey, I am using a service. | ||
| I know somebody has to pay the bills. | ||
| But when you see how much they're making off of it and how you're not making any money, you realize, like, this is not a good deal. | ||
| Right. | ||
| When you think of how much money Google has made by figuring out the search engine, by figuring out email and integrating email into the search, you go looking for things and email knows what you've been looking at. | ||
| Like, hey, look at that. | ||
| It's an ad for Brian! | ||
| I know you've been thinking about one of them scooters. | ||
| Look at that scooter. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| Look at it glows. | ||
| Look at the light in the back. | ||
| It's so fast. | ||
| It charges really quick. | ||
| It's still not as good as it should be. | ||
| It shouldn't be sending you ads for shit you just bought, too. | ||
| After you bought it, I don't know how it should know, but it should know you already bought the thing. | ||
| Listen to Jamie, ready to give up more ass to Big Brother. | ||
| Like, go ahead, take more. | ||
| I want you to know what I bought. | ||
| Just to go on the other side, haven't you bought anything in an ad that was kind of a good thing? | ||
| You're like, oh, look at that. | ||
| Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
| And then you get it, it's not bad. | ||
| That's the catch-22, right? | ||
| Like, you'll pay for your imprisonment. | ||
| Secret, if you ever see an ad on any of that shit, you just copy the name of it and you put it into Amazon, get it cheaper and through Amazon with faster shipping. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not always. | |
| There's some shit you can't find on Amazon. | ||
| I went to use some Instagram ad, got me the other day. | ||
| Couldn't find the product on Amazon. | ||
| I've also had a lot of Instagram shit never ship also. | ||
| Like it was just fake ass businesses and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, well, you gotta think. | ||
| Like, some people don't make it. | ||
| Some businesses, especially new ones, you never heard of before? | ||
| There's a scam or something. | ||
| It can't be, like, a very big scam, but I've heard of it happening where someone would buy something, probably on eBay, I think, is where it would be most likely happening. | ||
| Maybe they bought a bag of coffee. | ||
| Instead of getting the bag of coffee, they'll get 15 bags of coffee. | ||
| Or the 15 bags of coffee and the coffee maker. | ||
| Like a $700 order. | ||
| Instead of sending it back, the people are just like, meh, just keep it. | ||
| Oh, so, yeah. | ||
| There's like some weird, something they're doing, like finagling money. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| People are gross. | ||
| And when you give them a chance, like COVID, everybody's locked up, thinking about different ways to rip people off. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it's pretty fucked up shit now. | ||
| Have you got a gun yet? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Have you got a gun? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I got many guns. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No! | ||
| You're in Texas. | ||
| No one's giving you a gun? | ||
| I have weapons. | ||
| I'll just say I have weapons. | ||
| Nunchucks. | ||
| Nunchucks. | ||
| Nerf footballs. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| If I gave you a gun, would you accept it? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Are you allowed to do that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just have to get a license. | ||
| You just give guns. | ||
| Oh, you can? | ||
| You don't have to have a license. | ||
| Fuck yeah, I need guns. | ||
| I was going to get guns in LA, but there's so many lines, and then everything I wanted, it was like, because I wanted a Glock 19, I think it's called. | ||
| I'll get you one of those. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sick! | |
| Is that what you want? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that's a good one, right? | ||
| That's a very good gun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You need a gun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're in Texas. | ||
| Yeah, especially since I've already had, thank God for video cameras and security systems and stuff, but I've already had people, the worst pet peeve I've ever had is people coming up to your door, even though it says, no soliciting, all over your fucking shit. | ||
| And they still try to sell you something. | ||
| They don't even ring the doorbell because they know that starts the recording, or they think. | ||
| So they knock on the door, and I fucking yelled at people the other day. | ||
| I was like, can you fucking see no soliciting? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I'm soliciting. | ||
| And I'm like, well, get the fuck, you know, I got mad. | ||
| Just trying to make a living, Brian. | ||
| I went off. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I just hate that shit. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a weird way to make a living, too, because, like, you could be a serial killer or sell an Amway. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Come on in. | ||
| Used to be a big job, right? | ||
| Door-to-door salesman? | ||
| I don't know about how big, I guess, but it sounds like it was. | ||
| I told this story before when I was a kid and I worked for a private investigator, Dynamite Dickless Dave Dolan. | ||
| We would go door-to-door and we'd trick people. | ||
| That's mostly what we did. | ||
| And this one lady, she was faking an injury. | ||
| And she was working again under her maiden name. | ||
| And I guess Dave knew about it. | ||
| And he gets hired by the... | ||
| He works for a private investigating firm, and they send him out at the behest of the insurance company. | ||
| So they kind of know this lady's full of shit. | ||
| So we showed up at her house. | ||
| She invites us in, gives us coffee. | ||
| We had no idea. | ||
| We could have been the... | ||
| I felt so sad for her. | ||
| I want to say, please. | ||
| Like, we're not here to hurt you. | ||
| We're just here to rob you of what you've robbed from the insurance company. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And get you in trouble. | ||
| But please don't let anybody in your house like this. | ||
| Like, God damn. | ||
| Like, Dave is such a bullshit artist. | ||
| Like, he was great. | ||
| But he was like, wow! | ||
| Like, the whole thing was this was a scam. | ||
| We knew this lady's license plate number. | ||
| So Dave would make a series of license plates numbers that were similar to that number, but off by a little bit, like one digit here or there. | ||
| And then what he would do, he would knock on the door and say, I'm really sorry to bother you, but my girlfriend was involved in a car accident. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| spilt on the report and they don't know the plate so i got a friend who ran the plate for me at the dmv as a favor he's not supposed to do it but my girlfriend's in a bad place and i'm hoping it's going to be you because here's the the license plate number we went to this lady it's not it's Is she okay? | ||
| Yeah, well, you know what? | ||
| She injured her L5, L6. Oh my goodness, that's my injury. | ||
| I had an injury too. | ||
| You okay now? | ||
| You seem fine. | ||
| Yeah, I'm fine. | ||
| You're collecting though, right? | ||
| He says, you're collecting insurance, right? | ||
| She's like, oh yeah, not only am I collecting, but I'm working under my maiden name. | ||
| Do you guys want some coffee? | ||
| She lets us in her house. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I'm like, oh, damn. | ||
| Don't do this, lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| I was like, don't do this, lady. | ||
| I felt so bad for her because Dave just set up a trap. | ||
| It's like a spider. | ||
| Like, oh, let me lay this spider web down on the wall. | ||
| Come closer. | ||
| Tell me about your job. | ||
| How did you hurt yourself? | ||
| Was it bad? | ||
| And she says, no, it wasn't really bad, but I said it was. | ||
| You know, now I'm working under my maiden name. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| So you're collecting double. | ||
| She's like, oh, it's the best. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| You know, as long as you can. | ||
| Hey, keep it up as long as you can. | ||
| He says that kind of shit to her. | ||
| And then we leave. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| And I'm like, you gotta let her go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck her. | |
| She goes. | ||
| He was like, fuck her. | ||
| He felt nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| Well, that was his job. | ||
| That's how he made a living. | ||
| She's a scumbag. | ||
| She's fucking ripping people off. | ||
| I go, dude, she's so nice. | ||
| She gave us coffee. | ||
| He was like, fuck her. | ||
| Fuck her. | ||
| I've talked about that guy on the podcast before. | ||
| He's literally, other than Diaz, the funniest person I've ever met in my life. | ||
| Is he still around? | ||
| No, he died. | ||
| He died a few years back. | ||
| I only have one picture of me and him, too. | ||
| It's not the best picture. | ||
| It's all a shitty, blurry cell phone picture that one of our friends took. | ||
| He came to see me and I was at Laugh Boston like a few years back. | ||
| I want to say like four years back or so, right? | ||
| And he died like a little bit after that. | ||
| I didn't find out he died until after it was over. | ||
| He's friends with one of the guys who fights in the UFC, Matt the Steamroller Frivola. | ||
| And I heard about the Steamroller from Dave Dolan back in the day before Matt was even in the UFC. But I knew that he was, hey, this fucking tough kid. | ||
| This tough kid's gonna be fighting the UFC, bro. | ||
| He's the shit. | ||
| He's the real deal, Joe Rogan. | ||
| He was a good guy, man. | ||
| He was so funny. | ||
| He was just like Joey Diaz in a lot of ways. | ||
| But an Irish version of Joey Diaz. | ||
| Just a wild dude, man. | ||
| And quit boozing cold turkey. | ||
| I worked for him because I was a private investigator's assistant. | ||
| That was with the ad. | ||
| He took an ad out in the newspaper, so I went to Help Wanted. | ||
| But it really wasn't a private investigator's assistant. | ||
| It was someone to drive him because he lost his license in a DUI. He got into a fucking chase with the police and crashed his car in a tunnel and ran away from it. | ||
| The whole deal. | ||
| The whole deal. | ||
| And he's just like, fuck this. | ||
| I'm not drinking anymore. | ||
| Never drank again. | ||
| As long as I knew him. | ||
| I mean, I met him in 88. Because I remember I had just started doing stand-up comedy. | ||
| And I was still fighting. | ||
| And he came to see my last fights. | ||
| He came to a tournament. | ||
| And he saw my last fight where I got knocked out. | ||
| I didn't even get knocked unconscious, but I got TKO'd. | ||
| I got dropped of the left hook. | ||
| I went down. | ||
| I got back up. | ||
| My legs were like complete rubber, and this dude hit me with an uppercut, and I went down again, and the referee stopped the fight. | ||
| I never lost consciousness, but I was definitely fucked. | ||
| And it was so embarrassing. | ||
| Because I knew him forever. | ||
| And he saw my first two fights, and I destroyed the first guy, knocked the first guy unconscious. | ||
| And then the second guy beat the shit out of him. | ||
| And so he thought I was going to win the whole thing. | ||
| In the final, this dude just... | ||
| I was winning the first round, too. | ||
| This dude just caught me clean, hit me with a perfect left hook. | ||
| And my legs just went, goodnight! | ||
| They just gave out. | ||
| It was the weirdest feeling. | ||
| Well, the weirdest feeling I think I ever remember from fighting because it didn't hurt. | ||
| It was like he hit a button and my legs just stopped working. | ||
| You don't feel pain in fights for the most part unless you get hit in nerves like you feel it in the liver. | ||
| You feel it in the liver. | ||
| You feel it in your nerves and your legs like what happened to Connor this weekend. | ||
| If you get your legs kicked, you feel it there. | ||
| But a lot of times you don't feel punches and stuff. | ||
| It's just like you're so flooded with adrenaline. | ||
| Yeah, last time I got punched, I didn't feel it. | ||
| I was like, did you just fucking punch me? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| How old were you last time you got punched? | ||
| No, this was at the comedy store like two years ago. | ||
| Who punched you? | ||
| One of Richie's friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's right! | |
| I forgot about that story. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Cocaine is a hell of a drug. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But when it happened, I mean, he hit me pretty hard, but when it happened, I was like... | ||
| Wait, did you just do something to my face? | ||
| You had the funniest reaction to someone punching you. | ||
| You came back to tell us, you're like, he punched me. | ||
| I was like, did you just punch me? | ||
| You weren't mad at all. | ||
| You weren't like, I'm gonna go fuck that guy. | ||
| And I'd be like, that was so ridiculous. | ||
| You had like the most logical response to someone punching you. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because you couldn't believe it was real. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there was a few of those people. | ||
| You know, the problem with the Comedy Store at one point in time, there's a lot of problems with it, but this is, most of them are good. | ||
| Most of what the Comedy Store was was amazing, but one of the things that happened was it became a scene. | ||
| I remember reading about that in the Kinnison days. | ||
| They'd be like, oh, the famous people came to see Kinnison. | ||
| And it just seemed so out of reach. | ||
| Like, wow. | ||
| Like, fucking Slash from Guns N' Roses used to come see Sam Kinnison. | ||
| Charlie Sheen used to come see Sam Kinnison. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| What was that like? | ||
| My God, that must have been madness. | ||
| But then when it started happening to the store... | ||
| I realize, like, oh, this carries with it a lot of liability. | ||
| There's a lot of other stuff that happens. | ||
| And one of the things that happens is people know that it's a scene. | ||
| And then when they know it's a scene, they become, like, super interested in being there for the scene. | ||
| And so you'd meet guys who'd pretend they knew you and they didn't know you. | ||
| Did you have that happen? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Hey, Brian, we were partying before, bro. | ||
| You remember? | ||
| Remember we were with fucking Tim Dillon? | ||
| We were partying with Tim. | ||
| And you're like, oh, my God, I've never partied with Tim. | ||
| Like, what are you saying? | ||
| Tim is sober. | ||
| Oh, this guy's crazy. | ||
| And you realize, like, oh, shit. | ||
| Yeah, I had it happen Friday night at a show. | ||
| This guy got into the green room when I got off stage. | ||
| Everyone's like, who's that old man that's in the green room that says he knows you? | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| And then they kicked him out. | ||
| And I went around the corner, look at the guy. | ||
| I'd never seen the guy in my life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, 1% of the population is schizophrenic. | ||
| Yeah, or more. | ||
| I think it's one. | ||
| I think drug abuse has probably pushed that number up higher. | ||
| I think what drug abuse does, and I talked to Dr. Carl Hart, and you could catch his book, Drug Use for Grown Ups, Chasing Liberty in the Land of Fear. | ||
| It's an excellent book, and he's an excellent person. | ||
| But his take on it is, it exposes schizophrenia, which makes more sense, because how come pot doesn't turn you into schizophrenic? | ||
| Well, I've heard it always sped up if you had it coming. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But then again, what exactly is schizophrenia? | ||
| It's not like herpes. | ||
| It's not like, oh, we could look at it. | ||
| Here's it on the slide. | ||
| It's a herpes virus. | ||
| It's not a virus. | ||
| It's a deterioration of the brain that was going to happen eventually, and it speeds it up. | ||
| You have a weak brain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| What is it? | ||
| But they can fix it with some people. | ||
| Like some people, they give you the right medication and it goes away. | ||
| Right? | ||
| So what is it? | ||
| Something makes your brain hard. | ||
| It's honey. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| I mean, they kind of know what the effects are, right? | ||
| But you can't do a blood test and say, oh, Mike, you got schizophrenia. | ||
| Right? | ||
| They have to... | ||
| Am I wrong? | ||
| I'm completely guessing. | ||
| I don't think there's a test for it. | ||
| I think they're monitoring your patterns, your behavior. | ||
| Checklist shit. | ||
| Let's Google this. | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| How do they decide? | ||
| Because we both know people that have gone crazy from... | ||
| appeared to be from drug use. | ||
| One of my best friends growing up, he used to be the guy that took like 12 hits of acid a day. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's a different world. | ||
| Now he's just a crazy person. | ||
| Don't you think that's a different world, though? | ||
| That's so extreme. | ||
| The guys who do acid a lot, that's such a clear effect. | ||
| Who they were and who they became... | ||
| There's some fucking stress that happens to your system when you're doing hardcore psychedelics where you're going through re-entry and the fucking tiles are flying off the vehicle. | ||
| And you don't always come out of that the same that you went in. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I was always a one-hit acid guy. | ||
| Maybe a two-hit if it was weak. | ||
| But they were always the ten-hit acid guy. | ||
| I took a sheet of acid. | ||
| I have very little experience with acid, but I can't imagine taking ten. | ||
| Taking micro doses is a wonderful feeling. | ||
| That's a wonderful feeling. | ||
| That's like a really interesting elevated feeling. | ||
| How do I say this without getting anybody in trouble? | ||
| I have a friend who was micro dosing mushrooms every day. | ||
| And he loved it. | ||
| And he has had issues with substances in the past. | ||
| But with this, he goes, it just keeps, and I'm not saying this with his accent on purpose, it keeps me at a level state where I feel great all the time, but I'm not high. | ||
| I can have easy conversations with people. | ||
| I love everybody. | ||
| It just feels like medicine. | ||
| That's what it feels like. | ||
| My girlfriend used to do it all the time, and she said it just kind of always makes you feel happier. | ||
| But then they locked his dealer in a fucking cage. | ||
| Oh, that sucks. | ||
| That's the wackest thing to lock somebody up for, mushrooms. | ||
| One day they're going to look back on that. | ||
| Well, it's already becoming legal in some states. | ||
| Oregon. | ||
| Oregon just went balls out. | ||
| Dude, it's happening. | ||
| Oregon, listen, you fucked up Portland with Antifa and all that jazz, but you've done a great job with your use of... | ||
| Everything's decriminalized. | ||
| Steroids. | ||
| You go to Portland and become a bodybuilder. | ||
| Even the cops are running people over. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| That was Tacoma. | ||
| That was horrific. | ||
| Yeah, that was horrible. | ||
| That was horrific. | ||
| That was like a car meet, right? | ||
| I want to know if it was an accidental adrenaline or if it was slip of the pedal or if it was on purpose. | ||
| It seems like it was on purpose. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's hard to tell, but if I was a cop, I'd be terrified right now. | ||
| I couldn't be a cop right now. | ||
| I'd feel bad for him. | ||
| But if you're a cop and there's only one of you or two of you and then these mobs of people ascend upon your car and you try to drive off, you're probably terrified. | ||
| How many cops are worried about literally being beaten to death by a mob today? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| If you're the only guys there and people are... | ||
| I don't know what the scene was. | ||
| I saw a horrible clip, but I don't know what the scene was before that. | ||
| I don't know how it went down. | ||
| Cops are terrified. | ||
| And there's a lot of people that are like, fuck the police, defund the police. | ||
| They don't look at the police the same way they looked at them before. | ||
| And there's a lot of cops that are probably, for good reason, really scared. | ||
| I heard they're starting to wear fireman outfits just so that they don't get beat up. | ||
| Did you just make that up? | ||
| You did. | ||
| You couldn't even get through it. | ||
| Can you imagine a cop just carrying around a fireman hat and a coat? | ||
| Like, oh shit! | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they pull it off like Superman. | |
| They're like Superman. | ||
| I'm actually a cop. | ||
| You remember in movies when there was an undercover cop, the undercover cop always had its say they were an undercover cop? | ||
| Are you a cop? | ||
| We always used to thought that was true. | ||
| We used to think that was true. | ||
| They don't. | ||
| Yeah, they gotta tell you, bro. | ||
| You can ask them. | ||
| I wonder if the cops are responsible for that and paid off media to say that kind of shit so that we all believed it. | ||
| I think it was probably just a thing that they did to move a plot along on a stupid television show, right? | ||
| Don't you think? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But they don't have to tell you. | ||
| What's that guy that pulls out the sheet of paper out of the typewriter and he flies up? | ||
| He did that. | ||
| Yeah, that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was that? | |
| Ubu Sit? | ||
| No. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Sit Ubu Sit. | ||
| Good dog. | ||
| I think they just decide. | ||
| They just decide they're going to put some stupid things in a movie like that and they don't worry about whether or not people are going to believe it's true. | ||
| Is there any truth to it, though? | ||
| Because I almost feel like this show cops, like when they were the fake prostitutes. | ||
| Cops are allowed to fuck prostitutes for information. | ||
| Do you know that? | ||
| Do you know that? | ||
| Like in Hawaii, they had to actually change the law because cops were banging so many prostitutes. | ||
| Honolulu. | ||
| Google that. | ||
| Google cops allowed to fuck prostitutes in Honolulu. | ||
| I think within the last four or five years, they made it illegal. | ||
| But forever, cops are like, hey, I gotta do what I gotta do. | ||
| I'm out there. | ||
| I'm trying to get some information. | ||
| Get some guy who just likes banging hookers and he's like, I want to work vice in Honolulu. | ||
| I bang these broads. | ||
| I give them a little money. | ||
| They tell me where the fucking loot is. | ||
| They tell me where the stash is. | ||
| You could literally be a cop who bangs hookers and it's part of your job. | ||
| Yeah, 2014 it became a law that couldn't do it anymore. | ||
| So they were fighting for that and they're fucking, hey, this is really important in negotiations. | ||
| We've got to be able to fuck hookers. | ||
| We're all the hookers right now. | ||
| They're all food delivery people, right? | ||
| I wonder if there's something you could put in the notes and have a secret code come on inside. | ||
| Why would you actually fuck a guy today when you just show your asshole on OnlyFans? | ||
| Yeah, right, true. | ||
| And guys would be like, yeah. | ||
| They said that prostitutes would do a thing they would call a cop check to see potential Johns by forcing themselves on the officers sexually. | ||
| And the expecting cops would not be able to go through at the encounter. | ||
| That's what I would say if I was a cop, too. | ||
| Well, here's the situation. | ||
| A lot of times I'm talking to one of my suspects, and they think I'm a cop, so I gotta let them suck my dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the only way to save the people. | |
| It's the only way. | ||
| It's the only way to serve and protect. | ||
| I gotta get ahead. | ||
| I wore a condom. | ||
| Yeah, it's so ridiculous. | ||
| Up until 2014. But it kind of makes sense. | ||
| And, you know, female agents have done that too. | ||
| Female agents have fucked it. | ||
| They've fucked it. | ||
| They've fucked suspected. | ||
| They've fucked suspected bad guys before. | ||
| You know, like in James Bond movies. | ||
| They really had to do that. | ||
| They've actually done that before. | ||
| Female agents have actually had to fuck guys that they were trying to get arrested or get them kidnapped or get them killed. | ||
| I bet it still happens, but no one talks about it. | ||
| For sure! | ||
| Dude, if you're like some deep, deep undercover agent, Out there, saving democracy in Azerbaijan or somewhere. | ||
| You gotta fuck some warlord. | ||
| Do you think that they are known like TikTokers now, like models or IG girls? | ||
| Like, oh, the hottest IG girl is a super spy. | ||
| No, I bet it's way harder to get super spies in the age of social media. | ||
| Because, again, they can just show their asshole on OnlyFans and they make so much money. | ||
| They don't need you. | ||
| Are there levels to OnlyFans? | ||
| Is there an asshole level? | ||
| You can see some titty for $10. | ||
| It can be free, which it is for some girls. | ||
| Some girls just are hoes. | ||
| You know, the secret to OnlyFans, though, is that they own everything you upload. | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| So all these people, they're just selling their content for $10 a month. | ||
| And OnlyFans owns it. | ||
| Here's what's interesting about porn and online, this kind of stuff, all these different things. | ||
| Is that everybody likes seeing people naked. | ||
| But if you show people you naked, other people will get so mad. | ||
| They'll shame you. | ||
| But other people will pay for it. | ||
| So there's obviously a market for it. | ||
| But we decide, oh, she's showing her asshole on OnlyFans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boo! | |
| But then your friends are like, well, what's the address? | ||
| How do I get to this? | ||
| What's her screen name? | ||
| How much does it cost to see her asshole? | ||
| Am I going to notice whether or not I have $5 or not? | ||
| No, but am I going to notice whether or not I've seen her asshole? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So that's what they do. | ||
| They pay for it. | ||
| It's a fucking weird thing, porn. | ||
| Because everybody wants to have sex, but nobody wants people to watch you have sex. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they'll go, ooh, look at you, you like dick. | |
| Uh, what are you doing, eating pussy, you fucking weirdo? | ||
| Well, I think it's mostly because people get jealous, you know, like couples. | ||
| There's also men, right? | ||
| If men find out a woman has done porn, they're like, ugh, she's tainted, right? | ||
| A lot of guys think they're tainted. | ||
| That'll probably change, though, as the kids now get older. | ||
| As everybody does porn? | ||
| Yeah, like all these kids have had a phone in their hand their entire life, and they're just like... | ||
| Good point. | ||
| Always had a Twitter account. | ||
| Imagine if that was you when you were 15, if you had the cloud, and you probably let people borrow your phone, and meanwhile... | ||
| I remember having sex. | ||
| I used to, like, back in the day when live streaming first happened, like when webcams first were made, they had, I forget what it was called, a vcam or something like that, but you could do live stream all day long. | ||
| So I would live stream... | ||
| All day long, like weeks. | ||
| A camera was always on somewhere, like in my bedroom or whatever. | ||
| Like a Truman Show. | ||
| Yeah, like a Truman Show. | ||
| You did your own. | ||
| Because it was the new thing. | ||
| It was like, oh, you could stream all day long? | ||
| What was the TV, the other one? | ||
| Was it McConaughey, Ed TV? Was it him? | ||
| Was that Matthew McConaughey? | ||
| Justin TV. No. | ||
| Remember Justin TV? I do, but I mean the movie. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, Ed TV. Was it Ed TV? Was that McConaughey? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So he had became, he was like a regular guy, that became like a superstar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| I mean, it's funny because remember watching that movie? | ||
| We were like, that's never going to happen. | ||
| That's everybody now. | ||
| My daughter, my 10-year-old, loves Sniper Wolf. | ||
| Sniper Wolf? | ||
| Sniper Wolf is a YouTube character. | ||
| She's this chick that's on YouTube who makes fun of shit. | ||
| But here's the deal. | ||
| She used to watch this other chick play video games, and the girl was very pretty, and maybe what she's saying speaks to a nine-year-old. | ||
| For her, it made a lot of sense. | ||
| But for me, it was so annoying, because she was always watching this. | ||
| I was like, this is so boring. | ||
| Why are you watching this? | ||
| And so she has this new one, this sniper wolf chick. | ||
| And I have the same attitude. | ||
| And I'm like, well, this is boring. | ||
| This is going to be boring. | ||
| Like, what do you want? | ||
| She's like, Daddy, you have to see this. | ||
| This is so funny. | ||
| And it's her, this sniper wolf chick, reacting to this little kid that's at one of those child beauty pageant things. | ||
| And it was fucking hilarious. | ||
| I was laughing. | ||
| I was like legit laughing. | ||
| My 10-year-old, it was like she was watching Richard Pryor perform. | ||
| She was on the ground, holding her stomach, laughing her ass off. | ||
| Was it funny to you? | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| She's good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's funny. | |
| So this is like reaction videos? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Oh, I thought it was a cartoon at first. | ||
| But she's like this hot chick that does like reaction videos, but she's actually funny. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| It was legit. | ||
| I watch a lot of stuff that is embarrassing. | ||
| My playlist of subscriptions on YouTube is... | ||
| You look at it... | ||
| What are you laughing at? | ||
| 25 million YouTube subscribers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, I'm telling you, when you watch her, she's fucking entertaining. | ||
| She is way more entertaining than any E! show that's ever existed. | ||
| She's funny. | ||
| And it doesn't seem like she would be, but she's funny. | ||
| She's got good takes on things. | ||
| She seems silly. | ||
| And she's a good performer. | ||
| She could be a stand-up. | ||
| If she wanted to be a stand-up, she could do stand-up, for sure. | ||
| But her take on things is actually funny. | ||
| I was expecting to hate it. | ||
| Like the fucking video game lady that my daughter always watches. | ||
| But this one, I was like, that's funny. | ||
| She's funny. | ||
| This is good. | ||
| I was like, okay, this is an art form. | ||
| Which she just figured out... | ||
| Look, she's not the only one. | ||
| They've figured out. | ||
| I should say they've figured out. | ||
| They've figured out a new art form, watching shit and reacting to it in a funny way. | ||
| You and I did it. | ||
| Two Girls, One Cup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two Girls, One Cup, yeah. | |
| I watched that the other day. | ||
| That was one of our best videos! | ||
| That's still one of the grossest videos ever. | ||
| How many views does that have? | ||
| Wait, what was the other one at the end? | ||
| Oh, yeah, Mr. Hands. | ||
| No, no, no, BME Pain Olympics. | ||
| Oh, fuck that shit. | ||
| That one makes me clutch my pearls just thinking about it. | ||
| Actually, it was fake as fuck, too. | ||
| I don't know if it was all fake. | ||
| Remember, I talked to the... | ||
| I feel like I talked to the guy. | ||
| Well, I definitely talked to the guy. | ||
| I'm trying to remember his name. | ||
| He died a few years back. | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He and I had been back... | ||
| We had become email pals. | ||
| Goddammit, I'm trying to remember his name. | ||
| Email pals. | ||
| Shannon. | ||
| It was Shannon, right? | ||
| Yeah, I think it actually was. | ||
| Hatch... | ||
| Excuse me? | ||
| Shannon Lauriette? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Yeah, that's him. | ||
| L'Rock. | ||
| I guess it's L'Rock. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he and I have become email pals. | ||
| This is like in the 90s. | ||
| He sent me an email. | ||
| Yeah, he died. | ||
| What's that shit on his face? | ||
| He's got some white ink tattoo, I think. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh, that's dope. | ||
| He died in 2013. Whoa. | ||
| Oh, he's Canadian. | ||
| Toronto. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So is Style. | ||
| He was Toronto, too. | ||
| I love Style. | ||
| Have you been in contact with him? | ||
| Oh yeah, we're Facebook friends, which is so mind-blowing to me. | ||
| It's like personal Facebook friends. | ||
| It's just weird seeing his everyday stuff. | ||
| You know, he's just like, this is the mother... | ||
| He got rich off of crypto. | ||
| Style is how I met you. | ||
| I used to follow Style, and then he used to post about you, and I started going to your website. | ||
| Well, he and I became, like, email friends. | ||
| And then, like, you know, that was back when I was writing blogs all the time, like funny blogs. | ||
| And he would post funny blogs. | ||
| And, you know, I would always tell people about his blogs. | ||
| He was a fun dude. | ||
| Like, it's interesting when you... | ||
| Like, when you don't know, I have no idea what he looks like, I don't know what his voice sounds like, I don't know anything. | ||
| But when you're reading someone's words, like there's people and their words, and those words sort of, they become a thing, like a feeling that you get when you read someone's website. | ||
| Like, you don't necessarily even need to know too much about them. | ||
| They're like, this is style. | ||
| There was a lady that got into a lot of trouble post 9-11. | ||
| And her website was, and I became email friends with her too. | ||
| This is in 2000 and whatever. | ||
| I probably became friends with her in like 99 or 2000. The misanthropic bitch. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Remember? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She had a hot take on 9-11 and it did not go over well. | ||
| And the blowback was ferocious. | ||
| And I remember her responding to the blowback and commenting about the blowback. | ||
| But I don't know how long after that she stopped... | ||
| Her website. | ||
| She changed it to a different name or something. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I don't remember, but I remember she's a really good writer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was clever with words, and I think she tried to get a little too clever with 9-11, right after it happened. | ||
| It was one of those hot takes, like, we deserve this, or this is a good thing, or fuck everybody. | ||
| It was one of those things where it's like, I get what you're trying to say. | ||
| You're saying it weird. | ||
| That makes... | ||
| You know, it's the thing when you rush to say something, and I've done it before. | ||
| You rush to say something because you think, ooh, there's an opportunity to get a point on the board. | ||
| It's kind of what it is. | ||
| But you fuck up and you say something you don't even really mean. | ||
| You just tried to be funny. | ||
| It's just, at that time, man... | ||
| 9-11 was just like the most atrocious moment in our lives. | ||
| We'd never experienced anything like that. | ||
| Dude, how crazy is it that was 20 years ago? | ||
| So nuts. | ||
| Does that feel 20 years to you? | ||
| No. | ||
| But also, it feels like... | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Getting old is weird because I think about, wait a sec, what happened in my 30s? | ||
| I don't remember anything in my 30s to 40s. | ||
| I kind of do. | ||
| I feel like I've been in my 40s for a long time. | ||
| I kind of get real suspicious when people pretend to remember things exactly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm like, come on. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| Do you remember the version of it that you kept telling everybody? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's a real thing. | ||
| That's just brain short and shit down to get rid of space. | ||
| I will fully admit that most of my stories about... | ||
| Even my friend Dave Dolan, that story that I told earlier, I have talking points in my head where I remember how I used to say it. | ||
| But if you ask me to go back and remember... | ||
| That moment when that lady invited us in for coffee and told us about her insurance scam. | ||
| I have a blurry... | ||
| I have like one or two images that are so blurry. | ||
| I couldn't even prove in a court that that's really that lady's kitchen. | ||
| If they said, okay, you have a good memory? | ||
| Oh, great, great, great, great, great. | ||
| Photographic, you say. | ||
| Wow, congratulations. | ||
| Hey, sketch me the front of this lady's house. | ||
| I don't remember if it was an apartment. | ||
| I don't remember if we walked through a courtyard. | ||
| I don't remember anything. | ||
| I don't remember the color of the house. | ||
| I don't remember what she looked like. | ||
| She could be you. | ||
| I remember she was a reasonably attractive woman who was like a housewife who appeared to be in her 30s. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe I'm wrong. | ||
| Maybe she was fat as fuck. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I'm pretty sure she was a white lady. | ||
| I'm like 60, 40. I don't remember anything. | ||
| But I tell that story like I remember every detail because it's more entertaining that way. | ||
| But if you want to corner me and say, hey, what do you really remember? | ||
| I'll go, oof. | ||
| I'm pretty sure what I'm saying is accurate. | ||
| But I don't totally remember. | ||
| That's how I feel about that old lady at the strip club that I made out. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right here! | |
| Right here, dude! | ||
| Oh, at the Yellow Rose? | ||
| Yeah, it was at the Yellow Rose. | ||
| That was like 1999, son. | ||
| Yeah, I had to tell that story the other day, and I'm like, I think she worked there. | ||
| That lady just grabbed you. | ||
| She just grabbed you and started making out with you. | ||
| Then you realize that it was this old lady, and you're like, what? | ||
| I thought it was the stripper that was just there before. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| That lady, like, she found a weak spot and she moved right in. | ||
| There's a thing like survival skills, you know? | ||
| Like, there's, you know, like that dude that, like, walks barefoot through the woods and he has, like, these real thick cows. | ||
| He's got survival skills. | ||
| There's like, there's like survival dick skills when women know how to start a fire in the middle of forest. | ||
| They know that like, oh, that stripper just got up. | ||
| This guy's drunk. | ||
| I'll move it in. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| And they move in. | ||
| They develop those skills. | ||
| It makes me wonder if the strippers were all just like betting money. | ||
| I dare you to do it. | ||
| No, that was just the universe teaching you a lesson. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was so pissed off at you because you filmed the whole thing, but you deleted it. | |
| I'm like, why would you get to leave? | ||
| Even I would want to see how gross it was. | ||
| I didn't want you to be a part of that. | ||
| I didn't want you to be a part of that. | ||
| Remember, we were ready to leave to get food right away anyway. | ||
| And I was like, let's get out of here. | ||
| Let's go get something to eat. | ||
| And then I'm like, what is happening? | ||
| But she just moved in on you, started kissing you. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| I miss the Yellow Rose. | ||
| We used to go here, up there. | ||
| I think it's still a thing. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| Actually, my girlfriend, her friend grew up next, like, he was a little bit older, but grew up when she was a kid, you know, younger. | ||
| He grew up like they were neighbors. | ||
| He lives out here now and he comes to Kill Tony and he goes, hey, I work as a DJ at the Yellow Rose. | ||
| Anytime you want to come out, I'm like, the Yellow Rose? | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| What do you think about this? | ||
| How do you think people would feel if one day there was like an ex machina type strip club? | ||
| Where you go there and they're not real girls. | ||
| They're not. | ||
| You don't have to feel bad about their childhood. | ||
| They're super enthusiastic. | ||
| I'm in it 100%. | ||
| You can give them a fake language so no one would know what they're saying. | ||
| I want to see the Whitney robot though. | ||
| I want to see the Whitney robot on the stage. | ||
| Is that the one you'd go after? | ||
| No, they could have celebrities. | ||
| They would have Whitney robot. | ||
| Mix it with holograms though, seriously. | ||
| Mix hologram people with robot people. | ||
| I'll go to that strip club any fucking day. | ||
| How long is it before that's going to be real where real life is... | ||
| It's like, so what? | ||
| It's real life. | ||
| I can do the same thing with this helmet. | ||
| Why is it so cool that you're doing that in real life? | ||
| You're working so hard to be a billionaire. | ||
| I'm a billionaire in this fake world. | ||
| Instantly. | ||
| All I need is to keep the lights on. | ||
| And I live the same life you do. | ||
| And you've got to work 16 hours a day. | ||
| You're losing your fucking mind. | ||
| All I have to do is get a PS5. What are you talking about? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Why are you wasting all your time? | ||
| Buying houses and shit. | ||
| Trying to tap into the ground. | ||
| Pull oil out. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Just put the helmet on, man. | ||
| What are you, retarded? | ||
| Why are you spending so much time doing stupid shit? | ||
| Right? | ||
| How long? | ||
| I don't want to Ready Player Two spoil anything, but this is like, it's so good. | ||
| The second book was really good. | ||
| Oh yeah, the second book? | ||
| Yeah, Ready Player Two? | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| Dude, there's gonna come a time where we will live in some sort of an artificial realm, and it's gonna be way better than this realm, and we're just gonna accept it. | ||
| Just the same way, like, people don't use passenger pigeons anymore. | ||
| Carrier pigeons, those little fucking stupid birds with a message around them. | ||
| They still use them! | ||
| Have you heard about the murder of the carrier pigeon from the United States and they're going to murder it? | ||
| They were, but it was fake. | ||
| Oh, that was fake? | ||
| Yes, it was fake. | ||
| Somebody put a fake band on this carrier pigeon and reported it like this bird flew 8,000 miles to New Zealand, but it was fake. | ||
| That's the shit I don't ever think. | ||
| Like, that's fake. | ||
| They're trying to fool me with this pigeon shit. | ||
| I think when they were trying to kill the pigeon, that's when they stepped in and said it was fake. | ||
| They admitted it was fake. | ||
| By the way, I just... | ||
| Because they were going to kill it because of quarantine risk. | ||
| I do so much virtual reality now. | ||
| Like, I'd probably say like eight hours a week at least. | ||
| Yeah, look at this. | ||
| You could compare it to a Picasso. | ||
| Pigeon sells for $1.9 million. | ||
| What? | ||
| New Kim, a Belgian racing bird, set an auction record after a bidding war between two Chinese buyers. | ||
| Wow, they got too much money. | ||
| Pigeons are, it's a real game. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's why they faked that one. | ||
| It's because they could have sold it for like, I think it said 1.5 million. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| So this was, did it say 1.9? | ||
| Is that what it said? | ||
| This one, yeah. | ||
| 1.9. | ||
| A million. | ||
| For a bird. | ||
| A little tiny bird. | ||
| You know that was brought over to America for food? | ||
| Did you know that's why there's so many pigeons in New York City? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Food. | ||
| Oh, to eat the... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're squab. | ||
| That's what squab is. | ||
| It's a pigeon. | ||
| Like, if you go to a fancy menu on a fancy restaurant and you see squab, hmm, would you like the squab, sir? | ||
| That's fucking pigeon. | ||
| It's a young pigeon. | ||
| It's like lamb. | ||
| What is lamb? | ||
| Lamb is a young sheep. | ||
| Squab is a young pigeon. | ||
| I've had pigeon before. | ||
| It's... | ||
| It's nothing. | ||
| But if you're starving to death, like back then, they would just like have a bunch of them laying around. | ||
| You could just blow them out of the sky and you'd have food. | ||
| So they just let food live everywhere. | ||
| It's weird, dude. | ||
| I've been hunting with guys that try to get pigeons. | ||
| When I was hunting with Steve Rinell the first time, he saw some pigeons and got out of a shotgun. | ||
| I was like, what is happening here? | ||
| Gross. | ||
| It's in Montana, in the forest, but it's a delicious bird, apparently, if you cook it correctly. | ||
| Chicken's better, and you can get that at Wendy's. | ||
| You know what's even better? | ||
| Duck when it's done right. | ||
| So they raced these birds, and then recently in China, two guys got caught because they went on a bullet train with the birds to where it was supposed to go, and they got there too fast. | ||
| I think the bullet train was way faster than the way the pigeons fly. | ||
| Oh, so then they release the pigeons and try to pretend the pigeons just won? | ||
| Oh, they're racing them. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People will gamble on anything. | ||
| Whose shit weighs more? | ||
| They'll gamble on that. | ||
| You'd pay a lot of money. | ||
| How long could you hold your shit? | ||
| If we had an office-wide bedding pool right here... | ||
| I would win. | ||
| I think the security guys would kick your ass. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Wait a second. | ||
| If they're in the pool, you have no chance. | ||
| Are you going to decide what you get to eat before we get to start? | ||
| Oh, you can eat anything you want. | ||
| Based off what I had yesterday. | ||
| Anything you want. | ||
| Anything you want. | ||
| We have 24 hours. | ||
| In 24 hours, we're going to take shit, so we're going to wham. | ||
| Oh, that. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I thought you were going to say how long we could hold it for. | ||
| That's what I thought. | ||
| But you have to hold it in as long as you can because between now and 24 hours, you want to preserve your shit. | ||
| I can do that. | ||
| You think you could, but that's bad for you. | ||
| It's really bad for you to not shit. | ||
| Wouldn't you want to eat a bunch of terrible food so that your body doesn't absorb any of it and you shit on it? | ||
| All the weight. | ||
| But they would strain the liquid. | ||
| We need solids. | ||
| Only solids. | ||
| Liquids don't count. | ||
| Because you could just give something that gives you horrible diarrhea and the weight of water. | ||
| So what we'd do is you'd do a spaghetti strainer. | ||
| Whatever's left over to throw on a scale. | ||
| They'll weigh out what the spaghetti strainer is. | ||
| Minus water. | ||
| Yeah, and you just shit through it. | ||
| What would be like the heavy... | ||
| You'd have to get brisket or something. | ||
| Class rings. | ||
| That would be the only food. | ||
| They would pan for gold first. | ||
| This guy's eating gold nuggets. | ||
| Fucking Brian. | ||
| You can't eat lead paint. | ||
| How much does lead paint weigh? | ||
| But if there was a big reward... | ||
| You remember there was a lady in San Jose that died? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was trying to win a game station for her son. | ||
| And she was drinking water. | ||
| And there was a radio contest. | ||
| One of those morning zoo type radio contests. | ||
| Who could drink the most water? | ||
| This poor lady died. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| She drowned herself. | ||
| No, she just died from water. | ||
| It's not even drowning. | ||
| Internal drowning? | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| If you drink too much water, even if you're breathing in fine, your body will shut down. | ||
| Your body breaks. | ||
| Your electrolyte balance gets totally out of whack. | ||
| If you force a certain amount of water in your body, everybody dies. | ||
| Isn't it like drinking too much milk does something similar or something? | ||
| I guess if you get to the same volume, I mean, I'd imagine it's just liquids, but just water itself will kill you, which is really strange to people. | ||
| Like, most people are not aware that water will kill you. | ||
| Like, if you told people, like, how much water is too much? | ||
| Like, keep drinking. | ||
| The more water, the better. | ||
| That's how I feel. | ||
| I feel so good. | ||
| They lie. | ||
| I have two gallons of water every day. | ||
| Always drink water. | ||
| People want you to believe that there's so much more discipline than they are. | ||
| How much water do you drink a day? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I drink 80% Kill Cliff. | |
| Oh, Kill Cliff. | ||
| I love Kill Cliff. | ||
| Have you had the new pineapple one? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| It's mine. | ||
| I have my own flavor. | ||
| Oh, I heard about this. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| We need one right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| That's great. | ||
| Can you get Jeff to bring us in? | ||
| Oh, you can go grab it. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Pineapple jalapeno. | ||
| Dude, you have your own fucking drink. | ||
| I have a CBD drink, too. | ||
| It's 25 milligrams of CBD. Officer, I was just doing a podcast. | ||
| CBD with no sugar. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| My own drink would be grape, but it would be Japanese grape flavor. | ||
| Ooh, what's the difference? | ||
| Japanese grape, Japanese, oh my god, I have the best thing ever. | ||
| This is a fat person thing. | ||
| So there's this place called P. Terry's out here. | ||
| It's a hamburger. | ||
| I love that place. | ||
| It's amazing, right? | ||
| It's a great place. | ||
| They just opened one next to my house. | ||
| But they have a thing. | ||
| It's a root beer float, and they take bargs, the syrup that they use for root beer, but they mix it with ice cream, so the whole thing is a milkshake, root beer milkshake, and it tastes like a root beer float, the whole thing! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I can't! | |
| They make a good burger. | ||
| Oh yeah, it just needs salt. | ||
| My kids like them more than In-N-Out. | ||
| I'm like, what am I doing to you? | ||
| I raised you wrong. | ||
| Hey, next time you're In-N-Out, try this and tell me if it doesn't help it. | ||
| They're fries. | ||
| Get them well done. | ||
| Listen, bro, I'm a five guys guy. | ||
| Five guys. | ||
| Oh, they're about to go out of business, do you hear? | ||
| I'll buy them! | ||
| They have better fries, better burgers. | ||
| They'll put jalapenos on their burgers and bacon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They win. | ||
| And their fries are way better. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| See my face on it? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And it's goddamn delicious. | ||
| You're melting, too. | ||
| We went through like six different... | ||
| Yeah, there's a spaceship on it. | ||
| We went through six different versions. | ||
| It's called Flaming Joe. | ||
| Try it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Try it. | |
| It's legit. | ||
| Oh, that's delicious. | ||
| It's legit, right? | ||
| Oh, delicious. | ||
| Dude, we went through six versions to try to nail it. | ||
| And it has hemp in it? | ||
| Oh, it's got CBD, son. | ||
| 25 milligrams. | ||
| 20 calories. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Healthy. | ||
| TBD. Tastes great. | ||
| Yum, yum, yum. | ||
| And my face is on it. | ||
| Ignore that. | ||
| I wonder if we... | ||
| How sad would it be if we made a non-my-face-on-it version? | ||
| It sold way better. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Look, you have Illuminati pyramids underneath your eyes. | ||
| Shut the fuck up, bro! | ||
| Jesus Christ, I told you. | ||
| You're gonna be in. | ||
| I got a ticket for you. | ||
| Oh, sweet. | ||
| Dude, you're in the Illuminati. | ||
| What would you have to do to be in the Illuminati? | ||
| If the Illuminati called you up and said, hey, Brian, we enjoy Kill Tony. | ||
| We think you're a pretty funny guy. | ||
| We love you when you're on the JRE. We'd like to let you in. | ||
| Sweet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Awesome. | |
| Cool. | ||
| What do they have to do? | ||
| You got dental? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you have to do to keep your mouth shut? | |
| Dental? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah, no. | ||
| I would totally be in. | ||
| I think it's awesome. | ||
| I think the idea of Illuminati already kind of exists, especially when you get to Scientology and stuff like that. | ||
| I don't think they're in the Illuminati, bro. | ||
| I mean, they want to believe. | ||
| They have their own kind of Illuminati situation. | ||
| But how much of the Illuminati you think is real? | ||
| Right? | ||
| Like, the QAnon stuff seems like horse shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, certain conspiracies, you're like, nah, I don't believe that. | ||
| But for sure, bankers get together. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And that's the shit I'm saying. | ||
| Like, Illuminati does exist. | ||
| The definition of it is very broad. | ||
| People claiming to possess special enlightenment or knowledge of something. | ||
| Shit, that's this podcast. | ||
| Yeah, that's everybody here. | ||
| Anyone listening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keep going. | |
| You're in the Illuminati now. | ||
| Some mysterious standard known only to the Illuminati or the organization. | ||
| Oh, that's us too. | ||
| A sect of 16th century Spanish heretics who claimed special religious enlightenment. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| A Bavarian secret society founded in 1776 organized like the Freemasons. | ||
| So it occurred somewhere in the 1700s. | ||
| No, 1500s. | ||
| 1500s. | ||
| Yeah, 1500s. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| The 16th century was before that. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Why is it that people have always done things like that? | ||
| Like created these weird little secret societies? | ||
| I think it made more sense when they wore powdered wigs and shit, you know? | ||
| But now it's just kind of creepy. | ||
| You know the story behind the powdered wigs? | ||
| Do you know how that all started? | ||
| It was a French royalty and they got syphilis. | ||
| Their fucking hair started falling out. | ||
| So these dudes started getting wigs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But why white? | |
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| Maybe that's the only shit they could get. | ||
| I think there's also fleas and stuff. | ||
| You have to throw powder in them to keep the fleas out. | ||
| Or maybe it's white to see the fleas? | ||
| Like, oh, you got a flea in you? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I think the wig powder was actually to keep the fleas out. | ||
| The fleas were like... | ||
| Like, you know, like Gold Bond, medicated powder and shit. | ||
| Like how it keeps your balls fresh? | ||
| The same thing it would do, it keeps your feet from stinking. | ||
| It's because it's antibacterial, right? | ||
| Isn't that the whole reason? | ||
| Do you use Gold Bond? | ||
| Oh, yeah, it's great. | ||
| The menthol's horrible, though. | ||
| I got it in my dick hole and it hurts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey... | |
| Hip-hop hooray. | ||
| That shit's too strong. | ||
| But I think that's what they wore them for. | ||
| I think they wore them because, I mean, the powder. | ||
| I think they wore the powder because of bugs. | ||
| And then the wig size became an indicator of how much money you had. | ||
| So if you had a lot of money, you would be a big wig. | ||
| That's where the term big wig comes from. | ||
| Like Steven Spielberg. | ||
| You don't know who he is? | ||
| Oh, he's a big wig in the movie industry. | ||
| That's what you would say. | ||
| A big wig. | ||
| That big wig phrase comes from people wearing powdered wigs and the wealthy people having the biggest, most preposterous powdered wigs. | ||
| That's a big wig. | ||
| That's why military cuts a thing and lesbians have short hair. | ||
| And teachers. | ||
| I want to see your math. | ||
| If I was in class with you, I bet it would be good. | ||
| Pineapple and whiskey? | ||
| That sounds kind of good. | ||
| How is it? | ||
| Actually, that's amazing. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a nice mixer. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Oh, that's very good. | ||
| Dude, put some ice cubes in there. | ||
| It takes all the pain out of whiskey, though. | ||
| It's like I feel like a pussy. | ||
| I feel like I Novocaine to my mouth. | ||
| Put some broken glass in there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's good though, right? | ||
| Pineapple soda. | ||
| Dude, I like this. | ||
| I love pineapple. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We came up with it. | ||
| They were like, we want to do a flavor. | ||
| What do you want to do? | ||
| I was like, let's do pineapple and jalapeno. | ||
| Oh, that's the jalapeno. | ||
| I love jalapeno. | ||
| That's that ginger spice almost in the back of your throat. | ||
| That's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| And it works perfect with whiskey, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| There's some flavors that a lot of people don't respect that are genuine. | ||
| Here's one. | ||
| Anchovies and pineapple on a pizza. | ||
| Double anchovy, double pineapple. | ||
| I'm out. | ||
| Please try it. | ||
| I'm out. | ||
| I'm out. | ||
| You're wrong! | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
| You don't like olives? | ||
| No, I hate olives, dude. | ||
| I feel like that's something though, like in 10 years, I'll go like, you know what? | ||
| I can taste it now. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| You know, I can't taste much. | ||
| What about caviar? | ||
| Yeah, I'm not a fish taste guy. | ||
| That's why I like hard shell fish more than regular fish, except tuna. | ||
| I like crab and lobster. | ||
| But when it comes to like, hey, you want some tilapia? | ||
| I'm like, nah. | ||
| You like fishy things. | ||
| Fishy fish. | ||
| Yeah, fishy fish. | ||
| Yeah, different fish have different flavors. | ||
| Here's a weird one. | ||
| Why do people get so mad if you eat shark? | ||
| That's a new thing. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| You know, when I was a kid, like, you'd get Mako shark at a restaurant, you felt like a pimp. | ||
| Like, look at me. | ||
| I'm eating a shark! | ||
| He's not eating me! | ||
| Who's liking sharks either, you know? | ||
| They're good. | ||
| No, I mean, like, who's trying to protect them, you know? | ||
| Well, you know what happened? | ||
| Fuck sharks. | ||
| This is like how you could spin a narrative very easily online and just with people in the public sphere. | ||
| People started hearing about folks eating shark's fin soup, which is terrible. | ||
| Because they cut the fins off and then they just throw the shark back in the water. | ||
| And it was a terrible waste. | ||
| So that got equated with the idea of killing sharks. | ||
| And then it became sharks were endangered. | ||
| It's just like saying sharks are endangered is like saying bears are endangered. | ||
| Like, okay, where do you live? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, if you live in Manhattan, yeah, not a lot of bears. | ||
| They're endangered. | ||
| But if you live in New Jersey, there's a lot of bears. | ||
| How fucked is that? | ||
| Like, right next to New York City is a shit ton of bears. | ||
| Is there really? | ||
| In New Jersey? | ||
| Dude, there's more bears per capita in New Jersey than any other state in the lower 48. You never hear about the bears. | ||
| You always hear about the grossness of it. | ||
| You do. | ||
| What about the fucking Gabagool? | ||
| There's dead bodies and trash and mafia stuff going on. | ||
| And Joey Diaz is now there hanging out with bears? | ||
| I don't know what he's doing. | ||
| I'm giving him time. | ||
| I talked to him yesterday. | ||
| He says, tell Balloons I love him. | ||
| Tell him that. | ||
| Tell who? | ||
| Balloons. | ||
| He calls me Balloons. | ||
| That's because When I moved to Colorado was the same time this guy decided to make a prank where he pretended his kid flew away in a balloon and it was in the news. | ||
| And so Joey Diaz goes, that's Joe Rowan trying to fly back to LA. So he started calling me balloons. | ||
| It's the funniest. | ||
| I don't know if it's just me and him. | ||
| That was 11 years ago. | ||
| I don't know if he just calls you balloons with me, but every time he calls, he goes, hey, I've talked about balloons. | ||
| He has so much flavor. | ||
| I love him so much. | ||
| He just got his knee replaced. | ||
| You got one knee replaced. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| I mean, my knee's fucked. | ||
| It hasn't happened in like a year. | ||
| Does it hurt when you walk, though? | ||
| It hurts. | ||
| It acts up where you're just like, oh, it's going to happen again. | ||
| It feels weak right now for some reason. | ||
| You never got an MRI, though. | ||
| No, I did get an MRI. What did they say? | ||
| They said it was all fucking shattered and shit, but I don't even remember, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the specifics. | |
| That's like the... | ||
| Oh, Jamie, I sent you that David Goggins thing. | ||
| So don't show his doctor's name. | ||
| Hide his doctor's name if you can. | ||
| Just edit that. | ||
| David Goggins, we were talking about him on the podcast the other day with The Undertaker from WWE. Oh, yeah. | ||
| Undertaker's had two hip replacements and we were talking about like how crazy it is they can resurface your hips and it took added ten years to his career and then we started talking about Goggins how David Goggins was getting these gigantic cylinders of shit drained out of his knee and so he sent me his MRI results. | ||
| This is by the way before He ran the Moab 240. He got second place, I believe. | ||
| Is that what he got? | ||
| He's holding up a thing, so second place. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| So this is before he ran the Moab 240. Find out if he legitimately got second place, because we need to know. | ||
| Okay, in a moment. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| These are MRI results. | ||
| There's a complex tear in the posterior horn of the medial meniscus. | ||
| Intrasubstance degradation. | ||
| Can you make it smaller so I can see the whole thing? | ||
| Oh, it's the size of it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Of the anterior horn of the medial meniscus. | ||
| There is a tear of the inferior articular surface of the anterior horn of the lateral meniscus. | ||
| Infosubstance degeneration in the anterior and the posterior horns of the lateral meniscus. | ||
| There is the osteochondral defect in the medial femoral condyle. | ||
| There is no free-floating fragments. | ||
| The partial tear of the anterior cruciate ligament, a sprain of the posterior cruciate ligament, partial tearing of the medial and lateral, what is that word? | ||
| Retinoculum? | ||
| Patella alta. | ||
| There's a sprain of the quadriceps tendon. | ||
| Tendinopathy of the patellar tendon. | ||
| There is the... | ||
| How do you say that? | ||
| Teno... Teno... Teno... Teno... Teno... Teno... | ||
| Synobidus? | ||
| Synobidus of the... | ||
| All these people love Latin stuff. | ||
| Of the popliteus tendon. | ||
| It keeps going. | ||
| Superspatellar joint effusion. | ||
| Popliteal cyst. | ||
| Why, why, why with the complicated words? | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| How about part number two is broken, part number three is fucked, part number three, keep going, there's more. | ||
| Because people, I don't want people to think his knee is okay. | ||
| Scientists are about to come. | ||
| There's 14 different things wrong with his leg. | ||
| Lobulated cysts surrounding the posterior cruciate ligament. | ||
| Soft tissue edema in the medial aspect of the knee. | ||
| Moderate arthropathy of the knee. | ||
| And the motherfucker ran a 238 mile race. | ||
| That's crazy shit. | ||
| After that. | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| My knee feels like about half that. | ||
| You're born to run. | ||
| You're like a Bruce Springsteen song. | ||
| Bruce Springsteen. | ||
| Were you a Springsteen addict? | ||
| Did you get that? | ||
| I never got that. | ||
| I was into Van Allen when I was a kid. | ||
| I always mix him and Rick Springfield up. | ||
| I'm like, are they the same guy? | ||
| No. | ||
| I like Kiss. | ||
| I like Kiss. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like Van Halen. | ||
| I did like some Springsteen songs. | ||
| I wasn't like a Springsteen fanatic. | ||
| That's a Jersey thing, right? | ||
| Moab 240, second place. | ||
| Yeah, he came in second place. | ||
| That's craziness. | ||
| He's so nuts. | ||
| He's probably so mad that he came in second and not first with his fucked up name. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, I love Born to Run. | ||
| It was a little later, but Brilliant Disguise. | ||
| Bruce Springsteen has some great songs. | ||
| Yeah, but they're all fireworks songs. | ||
| You hear them every Fourth of July. | ||
| get out of my head isn't it weird how like when guys get like super political as they get old or Bruce Springsteen is definitely not like a real super but not before Trump right he's never really super political like publicly before Trump but it seemed like Trump was enough for him and he just you know what's that other guy too | ||
| that wasn't a musician but an actor like James Connors or he got super James Woods James Woods, yeah. | ||
| He's not even an actor anymore. | ||
| He's just an angry, crazy man. | ||
| He supported Obama a lot. | ||
| Yeah, he supported Obama a lot. | ||
| But he wasn't negative about anybody. | ||
| See, there's a different thing, right? | ||
| It's like you have a political candidate that you support. | ||
| Even if I disagree with you, you're just supporting your guy. | ||
| But there's a thing that happens, and I don't disagree with Obama, but what I'm saying is there's an attitude that people have when they disagree with someone, when they hate someone. | ||
| It becomes a different thing. | ||
| Robert De Niro hated Donald Trump. | ||
| Hated. | ||
| When he said he wanted to punch him, when he did the awards, he was like, fuck Trump. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah, but that's old man shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| They might have some history. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get that motherfucker! | |
| I'm sure they do. | ||
| I'm sure they do. | ||
| But it's also a different thing. | ||
| It's a different thing. | ||
| To support someone is one thing, but to say fuck someone is a different thing. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's a weird distinction. | ||
| It's like, wow, you're inviting the mob to come for you. | ||
| You're inviting the mob, right? | ||
| And they came for Robert De Niro, man. | ||
| All those pro-trumpettes, all the little Trumpensteins, all those little trumplers, they all came after him. | ||
| They really did. | ||
| They get real mad. | ||
| Trumples. | ||
| They get real mad at Robert De Niro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I think there were some people at the end that really hoped that this QAnon stuff was correct and that Trump was going to swoop in with these overwhelming indictments of all these elites that have been fucking kids in the basement of pizza places. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There were some people that really believed that. | ||
| There's a lot of people that believe that shit, and it's mental illness, man. | ||
| It's mixed in with... | ||
| It's kind of like a comic convention, where they're all dressing up as like... | ||
| They're LARPing. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| What do you think all those Civil War museum recreator guys are doing nowadays? | ||
| It's furries mixed with history. | ||
| Dude, I said the same thing the other day, basically. | ||
| I said it's a version of believing in Bigfoot. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| Same shit. | ||
| You want to be the one who knows. | ||
| The other people don't know. | ||
| It's Disney bloggers. | ||
| I need to open your eyes. | ||
| I need to open your eyes to truth. | ||
| Okay, Pizzagate is real! | ||
| Then something like this happens, though, and then they're like, well, see? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Well, that's the thing. | ||
| Human trafficking is way different. | ||
| No, no, it's not, though. | ||
| 33 missing kids recovered in joint Los Angeles-based operation combating human trafficking. | ||
| It's not, because as long as there really is human trafficking, as long as kids really are being abducted, as long as, like, sex slaves are real, as long as that stuff's real... | ||
| Like, then they've got a convoluted, fucked up, distorted comic book version of a point. | ||
| Yeah, but don't you think, like, we all know, like, one of the things that hasn't happened yet, but like, oh yeah, we've known about that for a while, but we've been looking the other way, is that if you go to Tijuana right now, there's so much prostitution and illegal, and you know half those are kids and shit like that. | ||
| That's just fucking that, you know? | ||
| That's true. | ||
| And we're all just acting like we don't know about that. | ||
| That's true, but we don't feel like we're responsible for shit that doesn't happen inside of our borders. | ||
| But it's five miles away from San Diego, which is the biggest military base ever. | ||
| Well, you know, Mariana Van Zeller, who has that show, Trafficked. | ||
| Have you ever seen that show, Trafficked? | ||
| It's an amazing show. | ||
| I had her on the podcast, and one of the things that she talked about was selling guns to Mexico. | ||
| And she watched, she had this whole expose where this guy, every week, fills his trunk up with guns and just drives down to Mexico because there's no stopping you going in. | ||
| So he's just bringing guns into Mexico from LA. And I said, well, where is he getting these guns? | ||
| She's like, the LA Police Department. | ||
| He's like, what? | ||
| There's some bad actor in the LA Police Department that supplies this guy with guns. | ||
| So they take guns from bad guys, they sell it to this guy, and he sells it to the cartel. | ||
| And it's happening right now. | ||
| They just drive down to Mexico because it's easy to get in. | ||
| Coming back, it's like, you better not have any guns. | ||
| I don't have any guns. | ||
| Okay, see you next week, Charlie. | ||
| The show's great. | ||
| Have you seen that show? | ||
| I feel like I have, yeah. | ||
| It's on the Science Channel? | ||
| Nat Geo. | ||
| Dude, it's really good. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| The episode I watched, the first one, was on cocaine. | ||
| I was like, God damn it. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| They go to Columbia. | ||
| They show how they're making the cocaine. | ||
| Then she walks with the people that make the cocaine. | ||
| Five years ago? | ||
| No. | ||
| Recent. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| This year. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| She walks with the people that make the cocaine. | ||
| They carry it in their backpack. | ||
| They can't drive with it. | ||
| They'll get hijacked and shit. | ||
| People will take it. | ||
| The cops will take it. | ||
| Someone will take it. | ||
| They're walking around with a quarter of a million dollars worth of coke on their back. | ||
| And they walk for like 18 hours through the jungle. | ||
| And she does it with him. | ||
| I'm like, oh my god. | ||
| It's a crazy show because it's one, it's fascinating because she really does show you exactly how the coke is grown, how it's dried. | ||
| You would think the people growing the coke are like these cartel people, but it's not the case. | ||
| They're poor farmers. | ||
| The coke is grown, the leaves are dried out on the side of the road. | ||
| They're grown by farmers. | ||
| So you see families that are laying these coca leaves out on these gigantic blankets and they're drying them out in the sun. | ||
| And you're like, holy shit! | ||
| And you realize that these people are barely getting by and they're growing coke. | ||
| Haven't had the time of their lives. | ||
| But here's the other thing. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| That's the biggest party ever. | ||
| We're feeling all sad about these kids. | ||
| They're fucking raving, hopscopching. | ||
| That's another thing that Dr. Carl Hart was telling me about cocaine. | ||
| If you get real cocaine from the source, pure cocaine, like in Colombia, it's amazing. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| We just have this bullshit stepped-on version of Coke. | ||
| It's like if you were drinking liquor, but it wasn't like, you know, Austin still, still Austin whiskey. | ||
| It was like some fucking battery acid shit that's mixed in with antifreeze and, you know, fucking... | ||
| What is the stuff that Kitty Dukakis got caught drinking? | ||
| Aftershave. | ||
| She was drinking aftershave. | ||
| Rubbing alcohol. | ||
| Rubbing alcohol. | ||
| The bums near my house growing up in college, that's what they would drink. | ||
| They would buy a bottle of rubbing alcohol from the grocery store and get drunk on that. | ||
| And you always see them carrying the little brown bottle and shit like that. | ||
| I got you one more. | ||
| Ready for this? | ||
| You know what kids have been doing lately? | ||
| Duster? | ||
| No. | ||
| They take a tampon. | ||
| They stuff a tampon into rubbing alcohol and they stick it up their culo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Hell yeah, that shit's good. | ||
| That's how you party. | ||
| That's how you party in Burbank. | ||
| Oh, MaxCab is like a slow drip. | ||
| It's like one of those patches that gives you a fucking... | ||
| What's that stuff? | ||
| Ketamine. | ||
| Ketamine patch. | ||
| Some people have ketamine patches. | ||
| They're just hanging out with us all day long, acting like everything's fine. | ||
| Meanwhile, they're in some 3D version of a UFO. There's little rooms they go into, different versions of reality. | ||
| I thought I heard this too. | ||
| I don't remember if I looked this up or not, but there's an article on Healthline.com. | ||
| Healthline.com? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It looked into this. | ||
| And there's reasons why they think it's probably a myth that people don't probably do that. | ||
| I would put all my chips. | ||
| I would bet money on that. | ||
| All my chips into kids definitely have stuffed tampons filled with rubbing alcohol up their assholes. | ||
| Especially since the story came out and you know so many people are like, well, I'm going to try that. | ||
| I'm taking everything I've ever worked for. | ||
| I'm pushing it right here. | ||
| Give me one! | ||
| Show me one! | ||
| West Virginia's got 36 of them! | ||
| I bet people have died from it. | ||
| I bet people have died from it. | ||
| Google this. | ||
| How many guys have died from a tampon filled with rubbing alcohol stuffed up their ass? | ||
| I bet there's an article right here from HuffPost. | ||
| This is from 2011, though, so there's a lot of time to go. | ||
| Bartender a dirty martini with a tampon. | ||
| Vodka in a tampon is allegedly the new rage among underage drinkers to get drunk. | ||
| However... | ||
| I couldn't find a single article on Google verifying that it actually worked. | ||
| Because it's underage. | ||
| It's illegal. | ||
| They're not even adults. | ||
| I decided that I would have to test the rumor myself. | ||
| Oh, that bitch stuffed a tampon up her culo or in her vajayjay. | ||
| If I was a woman, why would I stick it up my ass so I could just put it in my pussy? | ||
| How much alcohol, how much do you put in it? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| As much as you can? | ||
| How much do you want to get drunk? | ||
| I'm not ever going to do it, but butt chugging. | ||
| They do butt funnels. | ||
| I like how you said, I'm not ever going to do it. | ||
| Well, I don't want to make you think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I've tried it. | ||
| He's got to let us know. | ||
| I'm terrified of butt pleasure, so I'm just going to let you know right now, I'm not doing it. | ||
| Opposite of just a beer funnel. | ||
| It's definitely not the opposite of a beer funnel, because it's going in your asshole. | ||
| It's the other way. | ||
| The opposite of a beer funnel would be like a carrot smoothie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess. | |
| A beer funnel. | ||
| That's a weird thing, right? | ||
| I can't get drunk quick enough! | ||
| Woo! | ||
| That's like those dabbers. | ||
| We used to have two-story beer bongs. | ||
| Remember those things? | ||
| Were you good at beer bongs growing up? | ||
| I sucked at beer bongs. | ||
| But we had a two-floor one where all these people filled beer and you had an adult two-floor house. | ||
| There's a Vice article about it that someone goes deep and there's Vaseline pictures and shit about butt chugging. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, let's go. | |
| Put it up there. | ||
| Butt chugging. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Things I learned from butt chugging! | ||
| Vice still got it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who is this guy? | |
| Who is the article? | ||
| Jeff Winkler. | ||
| All right, shout out to Jeff. | ||
| Poor Henry. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay, that's enough. | ||
| That's enough. | ||
| I bet he did it. | ||
| Isn't it funny? | ||
| Vice used to be this really radical website. | ||
| Now it's all wokesters. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It is weird. | ||
| They've gone through a lot of different changes. | ||
| What happened, money? | ||
| What do you think happened? | ||
| Because if you really stop and think about it, it was... | ||
| I mean, what were they in the beginning? | ||
| It was just this cool magazine that you'd see in the corner of things. | ||
| You'd pick it up and be like, oh, look, cool shit in there. | ||
| It was in Montreal, right? | ||
| It was like they had sneakers, right? | ||
| Brooklyn, yeah, just like pictures. | ||
| Yeah, it was just a free little magazine, I remember. | ||
| It was one of those things, once people knew about it, it was like, ah, everyone found out about this thing now. | ||
| But now it's, like, super woke. | ||
| It is woke. | ||
| I have that channel now, and I didn't know there was a channel. | ||
| Like, I just learned that recently. | ||
| And I watch it, you know, it's very different than, it's almost like, this week on, you know, like. | ||
| It started with Shane and Gavin. | ||
| He's still on there. | ||
| Shane's still on. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, he's still on there. | ||
| They were like these wild dudes. | ||
| I remember one of them was Shane was in Thailand with a bunch of ladyboys in a hot tub and they were drinking. | ||
| And I was like, whoa, look at this guy. | ||
| That guy's the head of the network? | ||
| How wild is he? | ||
| I haven't drank with Shane in a while. | ||
| We used to get drunk with Shane. | ||
| We did podcasts with him where we got trashed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trashed. | |
| Way more trash than I ever got with Gavin. | ||
| I don't think I ever got trashed with Gavin. | ||
| Newsom? | ||
| No. | ||
| The other one. | ||
| McGinnis. | ||
| Gavin doesn't. | ||
| He only drinks Merlot. | ||
| He's such a hit. | ||
| He's such a Merlot boy. | ||
| I got my mask on inside. | ||
| No. | ||
| No mask. | ||
| I'm going to lie about being inside, too. | ||
| I was an outside bitch. | ||
| I'm going to open up tomorrow. | ||
| No, I'm not! | ||
| Isn't he supposed to open up now? | ||
| No, he just opened it. | ||
| They just dropped the order so that I think it's up to... | ||
| No, stay at home is the only thing I heard. | ||
| But what about restaurants? | ||
| It's up to the counties, I think. | ||
| Counties are back to colored tier system. | ||
| God, they've got to open up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Outdoor seating coming soon. | |
| Not here. | ||
| Isn't it funny when you live here for a little bit? | ||
| It's craziness. | ||
| And you're like, oh, this is how you're supposed to be able to live. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I really wondered how it was going to be like. | ||
| It's a safe version of obvious. | ||
| Every restaurant's being very safe about everything. | ||
| Everything's split out how it should be to a normal degree. | ||
| It's not overreacting. | ||
| It's the right way to do it. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Well, it could have been done everywhere this way. | ||
| We're out of ice, unfortunately. | ||
| It could have been done everywhere. | ||
| It should have been done this way everywhere. | ||
| They should have given people the opportunity and they should have opened up more hospital beds. | ||
| They should have figured out a way to do that. | ||
| It would be at a far lower cost than what it's been to all these business owners. | ||
| And I'm not saying that you should be cruel and not give a fuck about people's grandparents or, you know, people that have... | ||
| Yeah, just take that thing like that and fill it up. | ||
| For the people that aren't vulnerable, do you understand that's most people? | ||
| Most people are not that vulnerable. | ||
| It's a small percentage of people, relatively. | ||
| Not to be cruel to that small percentage, but we have to think about the consequences of shutting everything down for a long-ass period of time. | ||
| And also, I hate to put a fucking tinfoil hat on, but what about the rest of the world? | ||
| You don't think they recognize how weak we are? | ||
| You don't think they realize how crazy it is here? | ||
| We're at each other's throats? | ||
| So they're piling onto it. | ||
| They have whole gigantic organizations that are designed to erode democracy from within. | ||
| They have the Internet Research Agency in Russia that we know about. | ||
| I'm sure they have something similar in China. | ||
| I'm sure they have something similar in Iran. | ||
| They probably have a... | ||
| Oh, Jesus! | ||
| Jamie! | ||
| We're going to die! | ||
| I'm sure they have those everywhere. | ||
| Look at them. | ||
| He just went back in the Matrix. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did. | |
| Just drink it, bitch. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| It's going to be alcohol. | ||
| God, now I got your fucking forehead sweat in my drink. | ||
| My forehead? | ||
| Yeah, because of these suits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's healthy. | |
| It's all liquid IV. Dude, it's all elk and alpino. | ||
| Yeah, it's elk, alpinos, and liquid IV. That's my forehead sweat. | ||
| What were we just saying before Jamie came and stumbled? | ||
| What were we saying? | ||
| Do you remember what we were saying? | ||
| I don't actually remember. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| Cocaine. | ||
| Cocaine? | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Well, we're talking about Dr. Carl Hart. | ||
| That's what started it all off. | ||
| You want a cigar? | ||
| No, I'm good. | ||
| Do you smoke cigars? | ||
| Actually, I will have it for just the nicotine. | ||
| If you have a half-smoked cigar, I'll smoke that so you don't have to waste one. | ||
| No, just smoke half of them. | ||
| Be a degenerate. | ||
| Be a wasteful person. | ||
| That's another thing with the olives and the sardines and shit. | ||
| I still haven't gotten into cigars. | ||
| I've tried maybe a hundred times, but I think cigars are just for people that really should start smoking cigarettes. | ||
| It's much more of a mild reaction, because I've smoked Dave Chappelle's cigarettes before, and I've smoked Hinchcliffe's cigarettes before. | ||
| I love that Chappelle still smokes. | ||
| One of my favorite things was... | ||
| He's a wild man, dude. | ||
| He's a wild man. | ||
| That's a torch. | ||
| Be careful with that. | ||
| One of my favorite things was when Chappelle first started coming back to the comedy store, and he ran out of cigarettes on stage, and he goes, Hey, Brian, you got any cigarettes? | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| And I gave him my whole pack, and he smoked the whole thing in like half an hour. | ||
| He smokes cigarettes, man. | ||
| He's super healthy. | ||
| Do you think it's legit that those American spirits and shit like that are actually not that bad for you? | ||
| No, that shit's worse for you. | ||
| Look at Jamie. | ||
| That shit's worse for you, Joe. | ||
| Well, don't you think the chemicals involved in regency, like Marlboro's? | ||
| No, you know what that is? | ||
| That's shit. | ||
| That's like going against science. | ||
| Science found a way to make that not hit as harsh. | ||
| That's what that chemical does. | ||
| Science found a way to make that... | ||
| All those extra chemicals in cigarettes are for a reason. | ||
| They don't just throw them in there because they have a big batch of chemicals. | ||
| We need to smoke an American spirit. | ||
| The next day you wake up, I'm going, oh my god, my lungs have water in the middle. | ||
| Before I tear your argument apart, please tell me what you think those extra chemicals are doing in cigarettes. | ||
| They make it smoother. | ||
| Each one probably has a reason for it. | ||
| That's what I was saying. | ||
| They don't just throw a bunch of chemicals in cigarettes. | ||
| One probably makes it so that if it falls on the side of the road, it doesn't catch on fire. | ||
| Actually, that's a ring that goes around the filter. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you look at a cigarette, there's a ring that goes around the filter, and I was like, what's that ring? | ||
| When it gets to the ring, it actually puts the fire out. | ||
| There's a study done. | ||
| Apparently, 50 to 60% of adults that were asked view American spirits as less harmful. | ||
| They're not? | ||
| But that's because they market them as natural, organic, or additive-free. | ||
| They've got an Indian on the fucking cover! | ||
| It's marketing. | ||
| Hey, how are they allowed to have an Indian on the cover and not get called out? | ||
| Right. | ||
| How do they not get called out for that? | ||
| Because they bought that land. | ||
| Do you know, by the way, I'm saying Indian because of my conversations with actual Native Americans. | ||
| Some of them like to be called Indians. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| I think a lot of them probably do. | ||
| Some people will say it's offensive. | ||
| They want to be called Native Americans. | ||
| But they don't. | ||
| Some of them don't. | ||
| It's not a universal agreement. | ||
| Hasn't white people killed that name, Native Americans? | ||
| I'm half Native or 10% Native American. | ||
| Indians are probably like, just call me Indian, please. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right, right. | ||
| That's the thing where, like, shady white people will pretend. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'll pretend they're part Native American. | ||
| California Attorney General Jerry Brown, 2010. Oh, that motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They got the company to clearly disclose that its organic tobacco is, quote, no safer or healthier than other tobacco products. | ||
| Because they don't have studies. | ||
| Yeah, but what about the chemicals? | ||
| The fucking government's trying to hold them down, bro. | ||
| It says they have no additives in our tobacco. | ||
| But maybe they should. | ||
| Do you remember that movie with Russell Crowe, The Insider? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That movie was all about tobacco companies making cigarettes with extra chemicals in them to make them more addictive. | ||
| In the 80s, though, don't you think that they'd probably be like, all right, take out the licorice. | ||
| They probably had extra shit in there. | ||
| No, I think there's chemicals in there that stimulate. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Yeah, there's an FTC. This is in this article, too. | ||
| Around 2000, the FTC, there was a ruling, an agreement that resulted from allegations that additive free cigarettes made consumers feel, I guess, more about natural American cigarettes. | ||
| They make people feel better because there's an Indian on the cover. | ||
| Let me see the picture. | ||
| Pull up a cover of... | ||
| Dude, when did they make cigars like Jules? | ||
| Did Jules make this cigar? | ||
| No, they just kind of flattened it a little bit. | ||
| They're good though, right? | ||
| This is a Jules cigar! | ||
| Yeah, there's a Native American smoking a peace pipe. | ||
| Look, you can be spiritual too. | ||
| You can become one with the land. | ||
| And know the ways of the buffalo. | ||
| Yeah, I smoked those for about six months and went back to Parliament. | ||
| They give zero money to Native Americans, is that correct? | ||
| How much money goes to Native Americans for being a part of Native Spirits? | ||
| That got bought by the big company. | ||
| I need to know. | ||
| How much of that money went to the reservations? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| It is, right? | ||
| Like, imagine. | ||
| Are they supposed to be donating, or...? | ||
| Yeah, American Spirits, I called bullshit on that a long time ago. | ||
| And that's just called waking up in the morning and going, oh my god, I feel like I just smoked a whole nightclub. | ||
| Here's a legit question that'll make everybody uncomfortable. | ||
| What percentage of Aunt Jemima should go to black people? | ||
| What percentage? | ||
| There's a black lady on the cover of the label, Aunt Jemima. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I would say 10%. | ||
| What about Uncle Ben? | ||
| It's another one. | ||
| Mix it in. | ||
| Mix it in. | ||
| Aunt Jemima and Uncle Ben. | ||
| Yeah, paying back those reparations or whatever. | ||
| Like, dude, all that shit, 10% from Uncle Ben, 10% from Aunt Jemima, 10% from Great Drink. | ||
| We are not economists, so I don't think we should give out percentages. | ||
| But we should acknowledge that, look, if you have, like, Eskimo cakes... | ||
| And then the Eskimo community comes along and says, first of all, you can't say Eskimo anymore. | ||
| Because some people want to be Inuits. | ||
| But other people are cool with Eskimo, but they want a piece. | ||
| They want a piece of the action. | ||
| How many Eskimos are on the fucking board of directors? | ||
| Zero? | ||
| You got zero? | ||
| Well, you gotta give us a cut. | ||
| You can't just be selling Eskimo cakes. | ||
| You fucking racist assholes. | ||
| 10% goes to Eskimos. | ||
| They're changing the name of that, too. | ||
| Eskimo pies? | ||
| What's it called now? | ||
| Cold-ass bitches? | ||
| Inuit cookies. | ||
| Just like the football team. | ||
| Maybe they haven't come up with an actual name yet. | ||
| They just said they're going to change it. | ||
| Is this good or is this bad? | ||
| Is this good for us to be so sensitive about things that we've had forever? | ||
| Or is it bad? | ||
| Because part of me sees it's good. | ||
| Part of me says, yeah, you got to write. | ||
| But part of me sees that they're weaponizing crazy people. | ||
| Because it's like, yeah, you should be more sensitive. | ||
| But also, why are you complaining so much? | ||
| There's two things happening at the same time. | ||
| It's like, is your whole life Eskimo cookies? | ||
| It's bad. | ||
| What's bad? | ||
| It's bad for everybody? | ||
| We should recognize it, but we shouldn't change it. | ||
| As an example, the Ant-O-Mima shit, the family of Ant-O-Mima was like, no, that's our legacy! | ||
| And Ant-O-Mima shit was real. | ||
| I have those Ant-O-Mima statues, those antiques from a long time ago that my mom gave me because she did one in her house. | ||
| Washington Redskins, like if you call someone a Redskin, that is a derogatory term, right? | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| Like universally considered, like Native Americans did not, or Indians did not call themselves Redskins. | ||
| Probably not, I wouldn't say that. | ||
| That's like the fucking- Maybe the bad, the Indians, like they considered them a bad. | ||
| Like if they were the Jerusalem Japs. | ||
| Like, there's no way. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| And they had like the Japanese people from Bugs Bunny with the crazy eyes and the teeth. | ||
| No way, right? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| If you had the Cleveland cunts and you just had like a Karen as your mascot, some chick... | ||
| People would allow that, probably. | ||
| You think they would allow that? | ||
| Go for it. | ||
| If you had the Cleveland Karens... | ||
| Oh, that would be so awesome. | ||
| They're going to kill that name. | ||
| Karen? | ||
| I dated a girl named Karen. | ||
| She was a nice lady. | ||
| There's no reason to despair. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That name's fucked, right? | ||
| That name's fucked. | ||
| If you're Karen now, what are you going to go by? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I talked to a lady, how sweet of a person, but how dumb was this answer? | ||
| I go, does it bother you? | ||
| I go, hi, I'm Joe. | ||
| She goes, I'm Karen. | ||
| I go, does it bother you all this Karen talk? | ||
| She goes, no, because I spell it differently. | ||
| Isn't it weird, though? | ||
| Names are weird. | ||
| Like, Joe, do you remember, did you ever ask your mom, like, who you're named? | ||
| Like, I was named after Brian's song when that movie came out. | ||
| Like, every girl called their, that year, every girl called their baby Brian. | ||
| That's why there's so many fucking Brians. | ||
| Because that dumbass movie. | ||
| Now there's not... | ||
| Brian's not a popular name. | ||
| You don't hear baby Brian's nowadays. | ||
| Do you know if you were named after somebody in particular? | ||
| Super easy. | ||
| My family was so unoriginal. | ||
| Bubba Joe. | ||
| My dad's name was Joseph. | ||
| My grandfather's name was Joseph. | ||
| My grandmother's name was Josephine. | ||
| This is a super unoriginal family. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That was Joe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jamie, were you anything Jamie? | ||
| His dad wanted a girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, well. | |
| Well, technically after my grandparents, too. | ||
| My grandfathers. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Jamie the horror movie? | ||
| They were going to call him Lindsay, but the mother was like, no, you're not going to do that to him. | ||
| Oh, what if it was Jamie Curtis? | ||
| There's plenty of Lindseys! | ||
| They're good guys! | ||
| There's plenty of Lindseys! | ||
| James Taylor was popular at the time, so it was like a little bit after that, but I guess my mom's brother had a best friend. | ||
| His name is also Jamie, so that's why they just started calling me that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just call out my name. | |
| And you know wherever I am. | ||
| That's you, Jamie. | ||
| When your dad shot his seed into your mom. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I'll come running. | ||
| That's way better than Jamie Curtis. | ||
| No, it's just big Halloween fans. | ||
| But there was male Lindsays, right? | ||
| Wasn't there a bunch of male Lindsays? | ||
| Yeah, he's a singer, right? | ||
| Well, there was actors. | ||
| Wasn't there? | ||
| There was a few. | ||
| Male Lindsays were a real thing. | ||
| You name your kid Lindsey now. | ||
| You're an asshole. | ||
| Lindsey Buckingham is the one I was talking about. | ||
| Lindsey Buckingham, that's right. | ||
| What was his big song? | ||
| He had a big song. | ||
| Wasn't he in Fleetwood Mac or some shit? | ||
| Yeah, correct. | ||
| What was his big song? | ||
| Fleetwood Mac stuff. | ||
| Yeah, but he had a big song on his own. | ||
| By himself? | ||
| Yeah, he had some hit solo. | ||
| I'm loving these fucking weird not circle cigars. | ||
| They're good, right? | ||
| It's hitting my Juul shit. | ||
| Like, for real. | ||
| Like, it's hitting it. | ||
| The shape? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but it's a solid cigar, right? | ||
| It's a stronger Juul. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it's a cigar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like an actual man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like you're actually out here living. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Me and Bill Burr. | ||
| Bill Burr. | ||
| Bill Burr smokes a lot of cigars. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| So when I drove out here from Los Angeles, one of the podcasts that I really dug deep in that I never listened to, I love Bill, but I never listened to it, is Bill Burr. | ||
| And man, it is so hilarious. | ||
| Like, I know his ad reads were always funny, but the fact that he reads, now talk about your personal experiences, like in the ad reads. | ||
| It's the funniest shit ever. | ||
| And he's such an angry guy, but he knows he's angry. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| We got to see him recently here in Austin, and that was so beautiful to see him. | ||
| It was an amazing show. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| That was the first real set I'd seen in a long time. | ||
| A headliner set in like six months plus. | ||
| More! | ||
| More! | ||
| The whole time the pandemic was going on, I hadn't seen an actual headliner set. | ||
| That was cool. | ||
| That was a cool place. | ||
| You know what's weird is that I live five miles away from this outdoor arena. | ||
| Don't tell anybody where you live. | ||
| In Tennessee. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You already fucked it up. | |
| Now they're going to know. | ||
| They're going to do a scan out from where he was to find you. | ||
| They're going to knock on your door and show you their dick. | ||
| Got all these guns and weapons. | ||
| We got these signs and cameras. | ||
| That night was cold as fuck, too. | ||
| Remember that night when we went to see him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And so cold air makes sound travel more. | ||
| So one night we were coming home from the grocery store. | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| Look it up. | ||
| Dude, five miles away, there's an outdoor arena just like the Bill Burr place. | ||
| I come home, and I think my neighbor's having a raging party. | ||
| I go, what the fuck is wrong with him? | ||
| It's like 10 p.m., you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, what? | |
| And I get in the house. | ||
| I go on, like, Nextdoor. | ||
| You know what Nextdoor is? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| But I go on and I go, and the first thing I see is Deadmau5 having a concert outside at this arena. | ||
| I'm like, but that's five miles away. | ||
| So I tweet something like, dude, all my neighbors are, like, freaking out about Deadmau5 playing. | ||
| He's five miles away. | ||
| While Deadmau5 is performing, you know, doing, like, the button switching and stuff like that, he finds out that I tweeted that. | ||
| He messages me, texts me, like, get your ass over here, man. | ||
| Like, come right now. | ||
| So I drive down the street. | ||
| I'm side stage. | ||
| He pulls me on stage. | ||
| We're, like, talking while the show is going on. | ||
| But... | ||
| One, how amazing is it that he can do that? | ||
| He has all these people that love what he does, and he's able to send text messages and videos. | ||
| He checks his Twitter a lot. | ||
| I know, dude. | ||
| That dude is on it. | ||
| Or you just got super lucky. | ||
| But how crazy is the sound? | ||
| Five miles away, you could hear it so loud because of the cold air. | ||
| And I live around... | ||
| Who's they? | ||
| Scientists or retards? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Science. | |
| That's math. | ||
| Because sound moves faster in warm air than colder air, the wave bends away from the warm air and back towards the ground. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| That's why sound is able to travel further in chilly weather. | ||
| Brian, I learned something today! | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Dude, but it was so loud, it felt like it was next door to my house. | ||
| I would have been like, that doesn't make any sense. | ||
| I know. | ||
| This kid's an idiot. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| If my daughter told me that, I'd be like, no, stay in school. | ||
| Who told you that? | ||
| One of your stupid fucking friends? | ||
| But poor Deadmau5, afterwards we hung out, and he's like, yeah, we're getting all these angry people. | ||
| He's like, but they're miles and miles away. | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| Because they just want to hear hillbilly music. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That shit don't carry. | ||
| It's some damp stuff. | ||
| It falls right to the ground. | ||
| It's not hillbilly people here. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| It's like that weird stereotype that I just reinforced, that's so not true. | ||
| That's the weirdest thing about Austin. | ||
| It's like, these people are fucking cool. | ||
| They're pretty progressive and pretty open-minded. | ||
| They're just packing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| It's a good place, man. | ||
| You know our buddy PDC, by the way? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| He posted this photo. | ||
| And it's him. | ||
| He lives in Oklahoma now. | ||
| And him in line at the grocery store. | ||
| And I guess you're allowed to carry in Oklahoma. | ||
| Of course it's Oklahoma. | ||
| But he's waiting in line. | ||
| And the person in front of me has a holster with the gun pointing out the side. | ||
| But the barrel is pointing right at him. | ||
| And you just see a photo of his two hands. | ||
| And he's like, I'm just trying to get paper towels. | ||
| There's a gun pointed at me. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| Weed's legal in Oklahoma, right? | ||
| Is weed legal in Oklahoma? | ||
| Yeah, it just became legal, yeah. | ||
| It's opening up. | ||
| Texas. | ||
| If Oklahoma gots it, what do you think, Texas? | ||
| Not much time before it jumps in there. | ||
| They need it. | ||
| They're going to need it once all these California people move here. | ||
| It's already happened. | ||
| You know, I... Can't put everybody in jail. | ||
| So John Heffron, God bless John Heffron, he told me... | ||
| That should be the name of your first comedy special. | ||
| That's my first album. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God bless John Heffron. | |
| So he told me the biggest thing he learned from moving is to sell everything or get rid of everything, throw it away, donate it or whatever, and rebuy it. | ||
| It's not worth taking some bullshit Ikea shit and paying for that storage. | ||
| And trust me, that was the best thing ever that happened to me. | ||
| But the bad thing is I have to rebuy everything, like a couch, if I need a nightstand. | ||
| But the good thing is you start from scratch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can think about what you actually need and want. | ||
| But it empties you. | ||
| But the bad thing is that all these furniture stores, everyone's moving here to Austin. | ||
| There's nothing there. | ||
| There's nothing. | ||
| They're like, we have a three-month wait. | ||
| I'm like, you're called Rooms to Go. | ||
| Like... | ||
| You're supposed to be able to go with a room. | ||
| It's in your name. | ||
| But do you know how crazy it's been to people that live here to see this place explode the way it's exploded? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think it's... | ||
| You know, in L.A., where we lived before, people were always moving there. | ||
| They would come, they would go. | ||
| There was always someone coming and going. | ||
| But this place is just all coming, and no one's going. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's... | ||
| I hate talking about it, man. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Because I know that people know already, and I don't want more people moving here, but... | ||
| The place is the shit. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| Texas really hates us, too. | ||
| They don't hate us. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of Texas people. | ||
| I'm friends with a lot of Texas people. | ||
| I'm friends with the governor. | ||
| We just gotta figure out the right way to vote. | ||
| Just keep things the same. | ||
| Yeah, we can't bring our blue shit to this state. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I agree with that. | |
| This is what we need. | ||
| We need... | ||
| Look, we need compassionate Republicans. | ||
| That's what we need. | ||
| We need open-minded, compassionate people that understand business. | ||
| So those two things can coexist. | ||
| They can coexist, man. | ||
| But that's not been the case when you look at the Democrats and the Republicans. | ||
| It's always been like the Democrats, especially lately, have this extraordinary trust in the government to take care of things. | ||
| And the Republicans have been more like, let's let people open their businesses and make their own decisions for themselves and carry guns. | ||
| And that's why this place is the shit. | ||
| Because it's a weird mix. | ||
| It's the most unusual mix of progressive people and also red state folks. | ||
| It's a good friendly mix, man. | ||
| A friend of mine called me up the day of the election when Joe Biden won. | ||
| And he's like, what is it like there in Texas? | ||
| I go, dude, I'm in Austin. | ||
| It's not just Texas. | ||
| It's Austin, Texas. | ||
| People are honking their horns and waving their hands up in the air. | ||
| They're all happy. | ||
| Fucking dummies. | ||
| But it's not the best thing in the world that that guy won. | ||
| It's not the worst thing, but they were pumped. | ||
| They wanted it to be so. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Silly people. | ||
| I'm lucky my neighborhood that I moved into is all military and police officers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course! | |
| I know where you live. | ||
| And they all have come to me to introduce themselves with their family. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| That doesn't happen in Los Angeles. | ||
| The guy next to me growing up, he was fencing in his backyard. | ||
| He would hide. | ||
| He would throw smoke bombs down. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He was fencing? | ||
| Yeah, he was fencing. | ||
| He's actually a wrestler. | ||
| A wrestler sometimes? | ||
| Like a WWE person. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| But what's weird is that it's so different in Los Angeles where it's like, fuck thy neighbor, to now it's like, oh yeah, this is normal life. | ||
| The neighbors are introducing their family like, we're going to live across the street from now. | ||
| I think people here were just pumped to get rid of Trump so they could get rid of the division and all the chaos. | ||
| I don't necessarily think that they really believe that when Biden won that it was going to be better, but they were just happy to get rid of Trump. | ||
| My concern is what happens when Biden checks out. | ||
| Unless they got some new shit, some Captain America stuff that I don't know about, they're going to shoot him up with it. | ||
| Bernie 101, dude. | ||
| I mean, Bernie's gonna run next round and he's gonna win. | ||
| No, he's not. | ||
| Yeah, he is. | ||
| He's so old. | ||
| No, he's not. | ||
| Did you see that photo, man? | ||
| He's number one on TikTok. | ||
| He can do that thing with his legs. | ||
| He can cross his legs over. | ||
| Have you seen the one where he's the dude with the big dick sitting by the bed? | ||
| This one with him choking Conor McGregor. | ||
| Oh, that's my favorite. | ||
| That's my favorite one. | ||
| Yeah, the choking one. | ||
| And the Sharon Stone vagina one. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Someone posted something that I think is a really astute comment. | ||
| They said that the Bernie memes show that the internet has recovered. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, because now we're all about fun and not about Trump. | ||
| That's the benefit of having Trump out of office, because people didn't trust him. | ||
| He's got the nuclear football. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| His hair's glued on. | ||
| No one knew what the fuck was going on, right? | ||
| They were worried. | ||
| They were worried. | ||
| And then with the attack on Capitol Hill, they're like, I fucking told you! | ||
| This isn't a smart move. | ||
| This isn't wise. | ||
| This isn't the way to do it. | ||
| All of it was crazy. | ||
| Hamster Dance is going to make a comeback. | ||
| Did you hear about that? | ||
| He made these, he sold them, and he gave all the money away to charity. | ||
| He's beautiful. | ||
| Good man. | ||
| Good for him, man. | ||
| I fucking love Bernie, dude. | ||
| I love him too, man. | ||
| I just wish when I said that I really liked him and I'd probably vote for him that people didn't go through my act and pull out a bunch of shit out of context. | ||
| And make him look like he made a terrible decision. | ||
| That's the future of everything, right? | ||
| Well, it's clickbait bullshit, but it's also... | ||
| That's the sport. | ||
| The sport is find what people have said that's fucked up, not what they actually stand for. | ||
| You know, it's, um... | ||
| It's easy. | ||
| It's easy to do. | ||
| And it's easy to do if you want your person to win. | ||
| And it's easy to do if you don't necessarily represent people, but rather represent the special interests of one party or another. | ||
| And that party did not want that guy to be at the head. | ||
| And they didn't want Tulsi Gabbard to be at the head. | ||
| And they didn't want Andrew Yang to be at the head. | ||
| And those are the three people I was interested in. | ||
| Tulsi, number one, but I didn't necessarily think that that would... | ||
| I felt like Bernie was the best shot. | ||
| I'm like, that one might work. | ||
| Because it's so polar opposite of Trump, and he doesn't give a fuck, and it's hard to attack him. | ||
| He's been the same guy forever. | ||
| And who knows what would happen if he implemented a lot of the things that he wanted to do? | ||
| Who knows what would happen if they absolved student loans? | ||
| Who knows what would happen if all those people would be free to just start businesses and then give them that with tax breaks? | ||
| What about a little bit of both? | ||
| What about giving them less taxes, less government? | ||
| Less regulation. | ||
| But also, like, help people out. | ||
| We gotta figure out what the fuck to do with the worst neighborhoods in this country. | ||
| It's been going on for too long. | ||
| Invest a bunch of money. | ||
| They invested all this money into coronavirus relief and all this money into... | ||
| They gave money to other countries during COVID relief, right? | ||
| That was part of the bill. | ||
| What What about these cities? | ||
| What about these fucked up cities that have been there forever? | ||
| That have been fucked since slavery and fucked since Jim Crow. | ||
| We don't do shit about them. | ||
| Fucked since redlining. | ||
| We just leave them alone and we give all the money to Coca-Cola or whoever the fuck. | ||
| Whoever lost business? | ||
| They should have better parent law where they give you a little extra boost. | ||
| Dude, we just got to take money out of politics. | ||
| And that's a silly thing, a stoner thing to say, a thing that's like so simple to say and so hard to do. | ||
| But that's what's wrong. | ||
| It's not that it's bad to make money. | ||
| It's not that it's bad to, you know, to state your point and to let people choose in terms of who's their candidate. | ||
| The problem is the money. | ||
| The money distorts everything. | ||
| You know, we're one of two countries on the fucking planet Earth that allows drug companies to make commercials. | ||
| You know? | ||
| How weird is that? | ||
| When you see like some list of possible side effects. | ||
| You know, for something that just calms you down. | ||
| It includes explosive diarrhea and your legs falling off and your fucking dick shrinking. | ||
| And you're like, well, at least I won't be anxious. | ||
| What's the other countries, though? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's New Zealand. | |
| What if it's the most powerful country? | ||
| I think it's New Zealand. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Find out, what are the two companies that allow drug companies to write commercials? | ||
| I believe it's New Zealand and the United States. | ||
| And New Zealand gets... | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Wait, Mexico doesn't allow it? | ||
| I don't believe that, though. | ||
| Like a steel trap, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't believe that, though. | |
| Mexico doesn't allow it? | ||
| We allow underage prostitution and illegal drugs that we know, and gangs, and police. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| Those drug commercials just better cut out that shit. | ||
| Because the drug commercials cut into the cocaine and fentanyl sales. | ||
| That's so true! | ||
| Mexico doesn't allow drug commercials. | ||
| And then look at the United States like, you fucking savages. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Guatemala's like, what are you doing? | ||
| Nicaragua's like, are you bitches crazy? | ||
| Colombia's like, do you not learn from your history? | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| That's bullshit weird. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| Zimbabwe's like, you can hunt lions, but fuck drug commercials. | ||
| Zantac does what? | ||
| No, not in our country. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| What are the side effects for keeping your hair? | ||
| What are the side effects? | ||
| Yes, that seems like a bullshit article right there. | ||
| That seems... | ||
| No, it's true. | ||
| Can't be real. | ||
| How are our United States the only one, though? | ||
| Listen, I would like to say that I know for a fact it's not true, but obviously I've never left this room when I've made these assertions. | ||
| I've done no real journalism. | ||
| But it's real. | ||
| It's the United States and New Zealand are the only two countries that allow drug companies to make commercials for fucking drugs. | ||
| And they trick you into thinking it's going to fix you. | ||
| That's what's fucked up about it. | ||
| Like, look, cults are illegal, right? | ||
| We know you're not supposed to start a cult. | ||
| In a lot of countries, at least. | ||
| We know you're ripping people off your line to them. | ||
| Because you're manipulating them. | ||
| You're getting them to think that you're the messiah. | ||
| If you pretend to be Jesus, we're like, God the fucking shit. | ||
| You're not Jesus! | ||
| You're not a psychic. | ||
| You're not really channeling. | ||
| Like, that's gross, man. | ||
| When you hear about people that are like, oh, I'm talking to your mom from beyond the grave. | ||
| You are not talking to her mom. | ||
| You know you're not. | ||
| You're a liar. | ||
| You're a piece of shit. | ||
| But that's, you know, why is it okay to these drug companies to sell ads? | ||
| Your doctor! | ||
| Your doctor should be incentivized only to take care of you. | ||
| Your doctor should never experience a jump in profit if they prescribe more drugs. | ||
| They just shouldn't. | ||
| We should look at that. | ||
| We can go, listen, people are so easily influenced by material possessions and goods because we're monkeys. | ||
| We want to collect bananas. | ||
| We want to pile. | ||
| Look at my bananas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hoo, hoo. | |
| And also, if bananas can get you laid, like, look at all those bananas, girls. | ||
| You're going to try to get more bananas, right? | ||
| That's what we do. | ||
| That's what doctors do. | ||
| My wife's mom was a nurse and she used to tell me that the drug companies used to take them all out to dinner when she was a nurse. | ||
| So they're all a nurse. | ||
| They're making a very moderate salary. | ||
| It's not a lot of money. | ||
| And they're like, we're going to take you to Del Frisco's and have a nice steak dinner. | ||
| And you know those drug companies are going to take care of you. | ||
| Buy whatever you want. | ||
| You want a drink? | ||
| You want a margarita? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like, oh, margarita with my steak would be wonderful right now. | |
| And you're, you know, you're like getting by. | ||
| You're eating ramen sometimes. | ||
| You got to pay the gas bill. | ||
| And all of a sudden, this fucking company that sells some anti-anxiety medication that might cause a few suicides here and now, weak-minded people, but for you, it's going to be great. | ||
| When you're a server, those are the best parties to get. | ||
| Because you know. | ||
| You know they're all showing up to take advantage of this thing. | ||
| You know the person paying doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| They're trying to spread that love to you, too. | ||
| Hey, Jamie. | ||
| How'd you take yourself a 30% tip? | ||
| Come on back next week. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Unless they had a guaranteed 15% and they were like, yeah, yeah, I got that. | ||
| Then you jack the bill. | ||
| Then you start keep drinking. | ||
| We're going to be back here next week with some butt implant surgeons. | ||
| We got some ideas. | ||
| We'll keep the room for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We'll save some of the good wine. | ||
| It's weird, man. | ||
| It's like I believe in free speech. | ||
| But I also believe we should have a debate on whether or not you're influencing people to do things that may or may not be good for them or for everybody else. | ||
| Like, there's a lot of people out there taking medication that maybe they should just go for a walk. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Like, if you just said that to people, it's not that simple! | ||
| It's not that easy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Makes me wonder though. | ||
| I've never taken any kind of medication ever in my life. | ||
| SSRIs or any of that shit? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| I've never taken anything. | ||
| And I feel like it probably would help me so much a little. | ||
| That phrase makes me skeptical. | ||
| It probably helped me so much, a little. | ||
| I mean, like, because you self-meditate, or medicate, you know? | ||
| You should. | ||
| You should always self-meditate, by the way. | ||
| But, no, you self-medicate when your body feels like it needs to fix something. | ||
| That's why you start drinking more, you start smoking more, you start doing something. | ||
| Or have some of this fine tobacco. | ||
| Or have some of this green tea. | ||
| Allegedly smuggled in from Afghanistan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Delicious. | |
| Kush. | ||
| It's a good word, right? | ||
| Kush. | ||
| Kush is a good word. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's like it makes you feel good, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wet. | |
| You want some Kush? | ||
| Who would say no to that? | ||
| Wet Kush. | ||
| Yeah, who doesn't want some Kush? | ||
| Who wants some Kush? | ||
| Kush? | ||
| Damp Kush? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Kush makes you feel like you're gonna get a hug. | ||
| Jamie, you feel left out? | ||
| Man, I saw something recently about how people would smoke hash back in the 1930s or something like that. | ||
| They would just take the ball of hash and put it on something and then just sort of like try to breathe in as much of the smoke as they could. | ||
| I don't know how they figured it out. | ||
| The first time I ever saw hash, this is a true story, I was with my manager and an agent. | ||
| And this agent, we were in a hotel room in Montreal. | ||
| A rookie. | ||
| Just in the game, kids. | ||
| I had only been doing stand-up at the time for... | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| I'd only been doing stand-up for maybe five years. | ||
| And I was with my manager, and we were with an agent from a large agency. | ||
| And we were in his hotel room. | ||
| And he was like, hey, I like what you're doing. | ||
| You're a funny fuck. | ||
| You're really doing great. | ||
| He goes, you want some hash? | ||
| And I go, no, I'm good. | ||
| I was in my 20s. | ||
| I was a straight edge back then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| I drank a little bit, but that's it. | ||
| I didn't fuck with drugs, because drugs are for losers. | ||
| So he has a thumbtack with a piece of hash on it. | ||
| He lights the hash on fire, and he has a glass, and he blows on the hash, and he covers it with the glass, and then he gets his face down on the table and lifts up the glass. | ||
| He goes... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I saw something like that. | ||
| And I remember thinking this sad drug addict is going to be my manager or my agent. | ||
| This is so pathetic. | ||
| Not my manager. | ||
| I have one manager. | ||
| You have the best manager ever. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| And she's the best. | ||
| And she's the best, yes. | ||
| They're the best. | ||
| But they've been with me since I was an open miker. | ||
| I'm so lucky. | ||
| You're very lucky. | ||
| I was just going to say, you're so lucky. | ||
| What did I do in another life, Brian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tell me. | ||
| You've known me forever. | ||
| You'd probably be, you'd have a gym or you'd be a carpenter. | ||
| Yeah, but there was something I did that was good. | ||
| Artist. | ||
| You're an artist. | ||
| No, I mean, I got lucky. | ||
| Oh, what did you do? | ||
| What did I do that let me be so lucky in this life? | ||
| It's something so small and crazy. | ||
| You were at a pier once, and you picked up somebody's coat, and that person that you picked up was an alien that's living undercover that we will find out about in a couple years. | ||
| I don't think that's it. | ||
| I don't believe in past lives that you've actually done something. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| No, not necessarily. | ||
| Not past lives. | ||
| Same life, but it's something that... | ||
| That's Burt. | ||
| That's Burt. | ||
| Smoking hash. | ||
| What year is this? | ||
| See, it keeps coming around. | ||
| It keeps coming around again. | ||
| That's Burt. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Scroll up. | ||
| That's Burt. | ||
| If it's not Burt, it's Tom Green. | ||
| Who else could it be? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It's called The Smoker. | ||
| That could be Burt. | ||
| No, it's more Tom Green than Burt. | ||
| No, yeah. | ||
| It's definitely Tom Green. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| There's someone else. | ||
| It looks like someone else. | ||
| Burt makes that face as well. | ||
| The hair is not Burt, but the face... | ||
| It was just that, like... | ||
| Yeah, but there's someone else. | ||
| Those eyes are different, though. | ||
| Those eyes are... | ||
| Yeah, it's somebody else. | ||
| Rocky Horror Picture Show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tim Curry? | ||
| Curry? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's who it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's do the time warp again. | |
| It's just a jump to the left. | ||
| And then a step to the right. | ||
| My girlfriend worked at this restaurant in Burbank and Tim Curry came in. | ||
| I didn't know he was still alive. | ||
| Like, I love Tim Curry, but you haven't heard about him in a long time. | ||
| And he came in in a wheelchair, and I guess he was very sad. | ||
| And my girlfriend, like, texted me, like, Tim Curry's here. | ||
| Do you know him? | ||
| I'm like, Clue? | ||
| There's one time that I was disappointed in myself for not being ready for a moment that I didn't expect. | ||
| I ran into Jonathan Katz. | ||
| Jonathan Katz from Mr. Katz. | ||
| Was he shaky? | ||
| He was in a wheelchair. | ||
| This is what happened. | ||
| The first time I ever went on stage ever, Jonathan Katz was the host of the open mic night. | ||
| And he was like, super friendly to me. | ||
| He was really nice. | ||
| I was gonna bail out. | ||
| I was scared. | ||
| I just didn't want to do it. | ||
| I was told when I signed up that I may or may not get on stage. | ||
| Again, just like the story with my friend Dave with the lady, it's a sketchy picture of images. | ||
| But I'm pretty sure of the facts. | ||
| And the facts were, you signed up at Stitches. | ||
| And there was five minutes for each slot, and there was a certain amount of slots over the night, and he wasn't sure whether or not I could get on. | ||
| I signed up, and he said to me, I don't know whether or not you'll be able to get up, because there's a few people that haven't showed up. | ||
| They haven't checked in. | ||
| He goes, I think I'll probably be able to get you on. | ||
| So I was like, okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Alright, thank you. | ||
| So I remember being super nervous. | ||
| Like, so nervous. | ||
| I couldn't believe how nervous I was. | ||
| Because I had been... | ||
| I was still fighting then all the time. | ||
| Like, I fought like... | ||
| I don't know how many times. | ||
| It was... | ||
| If I had to count them all up, it was more than 80 times over the course of six years. | ||
| I was fighting all the time. | ||
| I would think that that would be so scary that getting on stage wouldn't be scary. | ||
| But it was so much more scary. | ||
| I was really freaked out because I wasn't prepared. | ||
| I thought I was mentally strong. | ||
| I was like, I've done some wild shit. | ||
| You know, I'm ready. | ||
| I'm ready to do that. | ||
| I was so fucking scared. | ||
| And I was like, I knew I was probably not, I mean, I was probably going to get on, but maybe not going to get on. | ||
| And I got to the point where I was saying to him, I was going to walk up to Jonathan and I was going to say, it's fine. | ||
| I'm just going to go. | ||
| And I was thinking this in my head and he came up to me and he goes, okay, you're on. | ||
| He goes, you're going to be on tonight. | ||
| I was like, oh my God. | ||
| Okay, thank you. | ||
| I felt like he did me a solid. | ||
| He slipped me in when the other guy didn't show up. | ||
| I had to go up now. | ||
| I felt like super obligated. | ||
| And I was so nervous. | ||
| I was so nervous. | ||
| And I went up and I wasn't good at all by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
| But I got a couple laughs. | ||
| I got a couple of ha-has. | ||
| I was like, ooh. | ||
| People are like, ah! | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Kind of funny, but retarded. | ||
| I said it three times today. | ||
| That's a record. | ||
| I don't mean anybody with a disease. | ||
| I mean people like me when I was 21. A slowing of growth and progress. | ||
| But there was a point where I was like, I think I got off stage and I was like, I think I can do this. | ||
| And I talked to Jonathan afterwards. | ||
| He was very friendly and very nice. | ||
| And I remember seeing his set later, like a real set. | ||
| And be like, wow, how lucky did I get that that guy was the host of the first time I ever went on stage. | ||
| That's so fortunate. | ||
| Because he was different than me. | ||
| And he was really funny and really like kind of dry, slow burn jokes. | ||
| Like really good writing. | ||
| Really good jokes. | ||
| And just a really nice guy. | ||
| Really smart guy. | ||
| And then when he had that show, Mr. Katz. | ||
| Remember that show? | ||
| I love that show. | ||
| Animated show? | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| All jiggly. | ||
| And then one time I just ran into him in an elevator. | ||
| It was just so random. | ||
| I didn't expect to run into him. | ||
| And I was like, hey man, he was in a wheelchair. | ||
| I was like, hey man, how are you? | ||
| You alright? | ||
| Like, what's going on? | ||
| And we exchanged platitudes and, you know, it was very nice to talk to him. | ||
| Great to see him. | ||
| And he was telling me about he's got some sort of a neurological disorder that, you know, it was easier for him to get around in a wheelchair. | ||
| I didn't know anything about the voice or the actual Dr. Katz. | ||
| He was a really good comic. | ||
| He was a really good comic. | ||
| So he died. | ||
| When did he die? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I asked. | ||
| I don't think he died. | ||
| No, he's still alive, right? | ||
| I feel like I follow him now. | ||
| It's a weird thing when you accidentally say he died. | ||
| I know you're like, no, no. | ||
| That was a question mark at the end of it. | ||
| I don't believe so. | ||
| I don't believe he has, because I would have heard it. | ||
| But I ran into him in the elevator. | ||
| I didn't expect to run into him. | ||
| I didn't know what to say. | ||
| I was probably high. | ||
| And I wish I could tell him, that guy, he really helped me. | ||
| He was the first guy ever to host an open mic night. | ||
| I'll never forget it. | ||
| That one moment is a very important moment in your whole life. | ||
| You think you could interview him? | ||
| I would love to. | ||
| If he's good, if he's cool, if he's healthy. | ||
| I don't know what's going on with him physically, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if he's healthy, I would love to. | ||
| Yeah, one of the guys on Kill Tony, Michael Larry, is ALS, and it's so interesting to see. | ||
| Like, him and my girlfriend's mom, who's dying of this rare blood disease, I'm just like, how can I do a Kickstarter? | ||
| Can I fix both of these people? | ||
| You would need super scientists, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's just like you see somebody like, you know, like when Trump got the corona immediately, he's fine. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| Yeah, but that's a different thing, man. | ||
| It's like that's a disease where like they had some experimental... | ||
| Magic Johnson. | ||
| But that's a different thing, too. | ||
| That's the different thing, too. | ||
| Can I get that magic Johnson juice? | ||
| It's interesting because that's where the real motivation for fixing these problems that you or I don't have comes from. | ||
| Our loved ones have to get these problems, whether it's ALS or Parkinson's or whatever it is. | ||
| When your loved one gets it and then you're like, shit, how do I fix this? | ||
| How do I help? | ||
| What can I do? | ||
| And then you realize, oh my god, I've got to pay scientists. | ||
| Like, we need scientists. | ||
| Petri dishes. | ||
| It's so weird, and it's such an easy, cliche thing to say, because you could say it and be disingenuous, but I'm being serious. | ||
| Just relax all preconceived notions about this topic. | ||
| Why do you know who Oscar winners are, but you don't know who Nobel Prize winners are? | ||
| How weird is that? | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| It's so weird that we know whether or not J-Lo's butt is real, but we don't know... | ||
| We don't know what Bode's Law is. | ||
| We don't know about how many planets have been discovered. | ||
| We don't know about how did CRISPR get invented? | ||
| Are they really making babies with CRISPR? Are they engineering superhumans right now as we speak? | ||
| There's so much science going on that really affects the world. | ||
| And we're so concerned about pop stars or what I think about something. | ||
| Or what you think about something. | ||
| Or what fucking new movie with James Bond. | ||
| When's that bitch coming out? | ||
| I want to see James Bond win again! | ||
| I want to see James Bond win. | ||
| I'm tired of waiting. | ||
| You need to be James Bond, dude. | ||
| That's not what I'm saying. | ||
| He's been dropping his team spot. | ||
| He wasn't even a team spot. | ||
| I do not want to be a spy. | ||
| Yeah, I'm a Roger Moore guy. | ||
| I do love those movies. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Who was your favorite Bond? | ||
| Daniel Craig by a mile. | ||
| Really? | ||
| By a goddamn country mile. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Interesting. | |
| The only thing that separates people from my opinion is nostalgia. | ||
| If you just looked at it objectively, if I said, which one of these motherfuckers really looks like he can kill people? | ||
| There's one answer. | ||
| It's Daniel Craig. | ||
| You don't really think that Timothy Dalton's out there nuking fuckers. | ||
| No, not Timothy Dalton. | ||
| Stabbing people. | ||
| Roger Moore. | ||
| I'm a Roger Moore guy. | ||
| Roger Moore is fantastic. | ||
| But you don't believe that Roger Moore is legitimately out there fucking people up. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| Look, he's got that dead Barbie and Ken doll. | ||
| Listen to me, bitch. | ||
| He's a Barbie. | ||
| You've got two options. | ||
| You've got Sean Connery. | ||
| If you're being dishonest... | ||
| And you want nostalgia. | ||
| Who doesn't love Sean Connery? | ||
| I love Sean Connery. | ||
| But it's just like the difference between going back to the early days of Jim Jeffries being the heavyweight champion of the world versus Mike Tyson. | ||
| The newer ones are better. | ||
| You might decide, Jim Jeffries was the old days. | ||
| John L. Sullivan with his mustache. | ||
| How long do you think John L. Sullivan would survive with a prime time Mike Tyson? | ||
| How many seconds? | ||
| That would be the bet. | ||
| How many seconds does he live from Mike Tyson just fucking crushes his skull? | ||
| That's the same thing! | ||
| That's a robot though. | ||
| Roger Moore's a robot alien. | ||
| You got two options if you're being honest. | ||
| It's not disrespectful for Roger Moore. | ||
| It's not disrespectful for Tim Dalton. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that face! | |
| I don't even know who some of these guys are. | ||
| You got two options. | ||
| Look at the Pixar one. | ||
| That's not real. | ||
| You got Sean Connery, if you're a silly bitch, and you got Daniel Craig, if you're being honest. | ||
| Sean Connery's a wonderful actor. | ||
| But if I had a choice, if the two of them are locked in a room, who's going to live? | ||
| Sean Connery or Daniel Craig? | ||
| Daniel Craig's going to kill Sean Connery. | ||
| I'm so sad to announce to everybody that loved that interview where he talked to Barbara Walters about smacking chicks. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| That's Indiana Jones' father. | ||
| I know! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know! | |
| Like, he was great. | ||
| It was a different time. | ||
| It was a different time. | ||
| Daniel Craig looks like he can legitimately kill people. | ||
| He's the only one. | ||
| Like, if you asked me if there's a fight to the death between all those guys, one-on-one fight to the death, Daniel Craig, he's gonna win. | ||
| I'm so sorry. | ||
| I never got into that guy. | ||
| He's the only one that seems like a real killer. | ||
| He's like a tortured guy. | ||
| It's a good... | ||
| The problem with... | ||
| This is the problem. | ||
| Is that the first one? | ||
| Or the last one? | ||
| The most recent one. | ||
| Here's the problem. | ||
| Here's the problem. | ||
| It's almost like if you want to re... | ||
| If you're a person who just wants to look at this... | ||
| Objectively. | ||
| You have to separate yourself from all the other James Bonds. | ||
| You have to pretend they don't exist. | ||
| And you have to look at this as an individual occurrence. | ||
| Like, him as James Bond is a new thing. | ||
| Let's look at what that is. | ||
| Well, it really does seem like there's this dude who's not perfect. | ||
| Like, there was a girl who was, like, threatening him, talking about shooting him in his good knee. | ||
| Like, she knew which knee was fucked up. | ||
| Right? | ||
| He's not perfect. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He gets drunk. | ||
| He's killing people. | ||
| He's having all these romantic affairs with spies and shit and barely surviving. | ||
| But as an individual entity, as the James Bond, who's better than him? | ||
| Who's better? | ||
| If you really want to be honest, you grew up with Roger Moore, but you knew about Sean Connery. | ||
| Yeah, but do you think you only like him because he's the most realistic, because it's the most recent? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, because he's the best. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| It just gets faker and faker. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| If he existed, and then if Sean Connery, or no, how about this? | ||
| This is honest. | ||
| If he existed, and then Tim Dalton came on after him. | ||
| Is that Tim Dalton? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Timothy Dalton. | ||
| Timothy Dalton. | ||
| If he came on after that guy, it wouldn't work out. | ||
| It wouldn't work. | ||
| It was different James Bond back then. | ||
| When Timothy Dalton was on, he was perfect for it. | ||
| It was like this kind of campy, fun thing, where the dude dressed real nice. | ||
| It didn't have to be realistic. | ||
| He always won. | ||
| Ooh, smooth spy, ha-ha martini, Bond, James Bond. | ||
| And everyone was like, yay! | ||
| We win, right? | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| It was like Karate Kid. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| But, if you came to a contest, who seems like a real killer? | ||
| There's one answer. | ||
| It's Daniel Craig. | ||
| That's a real killer. | ||
| That's a person who kills people. | ||
| He nailed it. | ||
| The other people are like, Timothy Dalton's killing people? | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| It sounds like it makes a lot of the stakes matter here. | ||
| Like how good the movie is. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The action movie. | ||
| If they made an Austin Powers-y type movie, Jane O' Craig doesn't fit, right? | ||
| They're starting to slow down and joke and he's not shooting. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He'd be terrible for that. | ||
| Because Roger Moore was more comedic. | ||
| Like, remember Roger Moore? | ||
| They walked onto the set of the fake moon landing? | ||
| Do you remember that episode? | ||
| It was one of his movies. | ||
| They accidentally burst into the set of people faking the moon landing. | ||
| And Roger Moore... | ||
| I forget which one it was. | ||
| Was that Austin Powers? | ||
| No, dude! | ||
| I'm telling you, it was hilarious. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| What was that one? | ||
| See, Roger Moore was a different movie. | ||
| It doesn't mean that those movies weren't great. | ||
| Because when I was a kid, they were great. | ||
| What it means is... | ||
| Roger Moore, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, Diamonds Are Forever, 1971. Diamonds are forever. | ||
| So that was before they killed the moon landing program. | ||
| They did it from 69 to, I believe, they did it in 72. So Roger Moore probably was a part of how they killed the moon landing program. | ||
| Was that Don Knotts? | ||
| Look at this! | ||
| Is that Don Knotts as a cop? | ||
| Look how crazy this is! | ||
| See, this is like a totally... | ||
| Oh, see, this is Sean Connery. | ||
| Oh, it's not even Roger Moore. | ||
| Oh my god, I'm wrong. | ||
| I thought it was by this time it was Roger Moore. | ||
| Yeah, this was that HBO in the early 80s feel. | ||
| What a handsome bastard he was. | ||
| He was so handsome. | ||
| Where is he going in that? | ||
| What year did... | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| The cops are running out there and he's got like a fucking moon rover. | ||
| He's driving away to get away from the cops. | ||
| Oh, he's going to drive through the wall. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| So he's on the fake moon landing set. | ||
| He escapes. | ||
| He escapes. | ||
| Bro, this is crazy. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| Then there's Don Knotts, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Where's Jackie Gleason? | ||
| I'll tell you, boy. | ||
| Yeah, Jackie Gleason. | ||
| Remember Jackie Gleason? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And fucking Smokey and the Bandit? | ||
| That was a great clip. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| That's the thing about Jackie Gleason. | ||
| He was in Smokey and the Bandit, but he was also in The Hustler, which is an amazing, dramatic movie from... | ||
| What was that, like 63 or something like that, The Hustler? | ||
| Jackie Gleason was in that. | ||
| Oh, I thought it was 70s. | ||
| No, that was The Color of Money, which was like in the 80s. | ||
| But The Hustler was in, I think it was 63. 61. 61? | ||
| Oh my god, so Kennedy was alive. | ||
| 61. And Jackie Gleason was like this world champion pool player. | ||
| So he went from that serious, dark movie about losers and winners and hustlers and people who sell themselves out. | ||
| It was an amazing movie, man. | ||
| Yeah, I was totally thinking of the other movie. | ||
| Dude, the guy who wrote this is Walter Tevis. | ||
| It's the same guy who wrote The Queen's Gambit. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Same guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're both similar in a way. | ||
| Someone should do a real, legitimate Hustler. | ||
| A Walter Tevis version of The Hustler, like for Netflix. | ||
| Ice-T. No, no, no. | ||
| No, you need that story, that story, with Eddie Felsen, with Fast Eddie Felsen, and with Minnesota Fats, or New York Fats. | ||
| Minnesota Fats, in that movie, was the original Minnesota Fats. | ||
| There was a guy named New York Fats that decided that Walter Tevis stole his shit, and so he changed his name to Minnesota Fats. | ||
| So you know, there was a guy named Minnesota Fats, who was a really, really good pool player, no doubt about it. | ||
| But he wasn't really Minnesota Fats. | ||
| He changed his name to be Minnesota Fats so that he would be the same guy in the movie The Hustler. | ||
| So he became this number one pool player guy. | ||
| He was just a hustler. | ||
| And this guy, Willie Moscone, who's like a legitimate, stoic, wear a suit and tie, world champion, straight pool player, he famously played Minnesota Fats in a series of games on ABC Wide World of Sports. | ||
| They used to have these Wide World of Sports pool matches. | ||
| I remember the Wide World of Sports. | ||
| That was the big thing back in the day. | ||
| But the Minnesota Fats guy was just a... | ||
| He was a con man who was a good pool player, but conned his way. | ||
| That's fake. | ||
| No, it's a pool game. | ||
| Dude, Minnesota Fats became... | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| He was a con man, but he was also a really good pool player. | ||
| Like, world-class pool player. | ||
| So you couldn't sleep on him. | ||
| But he was also a bullshit artist. | ||
| Because his name wasn't Minnesota Fats. | ||
| He was New York Fats. | ||
| And the movie came out. | ||
| He goes, they was doing that movie about me. | ||
| I'm Minnesota Fats. | ||
| So he changed his name to Minnesota Fats. | ||
| Wrote books. | ||
| Was in movies. | ||
| And everybody was like, Minnesota Fats. | ||
| Best pool player on earth. | ||
| And Willie Moscone was like, he would go crazy. | ||
| Because he really was the best pool player on earth. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy. | |
| With this guy. | ||
| Just fucking snuck in. | ||
| And he's got a game. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Hey, what do you want from me? | ||
| It's not that he wasn't a great pool player. | ||
| He was a great pool player. | ||
| He was like a world championship caliber pool player. | ||
| But he was also a bit of a hustler and a bullshit artist. | ||
| So he found an opening where he could just say that that was about me. | ||
| And then when you watch him play, like, who's going to argue with him? | ||
| There's like a few guys that could argue with him. | ||
| He was a really good player. | ||
| But it wasn't him. | ||
| It was Jackie Gleason in a Walter Tevis movie. | ||
| It's like a girl coming up right now pretending she's the chess version of Beth Harmon. | ||
| She could lie. | ||
| She could be some hustler from West Virginia. | ||
| Some girls on pills. | ||
| Yeah, I've been where I am her. | ||
| You know, I knew that guy when he wrote that. | ||
| They wrote that book in like the 1950s. | ||
| Or he did. | ||
| Walter Tevis. | ||
| The Hustler and that book, I think, were in the same time period. | ||
| I think. | ||
| I think maybe this one maybe came... | ||
| The Hustler was like, I think he wrote that in the 50s. | ||
| 59. 59. When did he write Queen's Gambit? | ||
| What was that really popular chess movie that was like in the 90s? | ||
| Searching for Bobby Fischer. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| The one that was like white... | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| 83. Action thriller. | ||
| 83? | ||
| Is that when he wrote it? | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| That much later? | ||
| Was that the last thing he wrote? | ||
| No. | ||
| He wrote The Color of Money, too, right? | ||
| Yeah, right after the year after that. | ||
| Oh, after? | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Really? | ||
| And when was it a movie? | ||
| It had to be right after that, right? | ||
| It was like 86 or something? | ||
| Film adaptation 86. yeah dude back then when that was that night moves bob seeger no no the movie night moves what is that you never saw night moves oh dude night moves who's in it was awesome it was uh directed by carl and uh carl had christopher lambert in it daniel baldwin tom scurritt diane lane ferdy main blue mackamama Who's Carl? | ||
| The director has one name? | ||
| Uh, Carl Schenkel? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Schenkel? | ||
| I thought he was doing like the Madonna thing. | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm Roseanne, bitch. | ||
| He did Snowpiercer. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| No, he didn't. | ||
| Sebastian is the only male white comedian to pull off the one name thing in the history of the known universe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who else has done it? | ||
| White guys? | ||
| Name me one. | ||
| Name me a white guy who's pulled off the one name thing. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Earthquake. | ||
| No, you got Oprah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| You got Oprah. | ||
| Oprah did the one name. | ||
| Geraldo. | ||
| He's Cuban. | ||
| He's Cuban. | ||
| You were a disrespectful piece of shit. | ||
| Jerry? | ||
| Jerry? | ||
| Oh, I don't think... | ||
| Seinfeld. | ||
| There's too many Jerry's. | ||
| Seinfeld. | ||
| Seinfeld, yeah. | ||
| But that's a last name. | ||
| Oh, you mean first name. | ||
| No, one name. | ||
| It's like that's all they go by. | ||
| Like Sebastian. | ||
| Who says Sebastian Manisalko? | ||
| Assholes. | ||
| True. | ||
| Assholes. | ||
| You know Sebastian. | ||
| Oh, Fabio. | ||
| Fabio. | ||
| Good call. | ||
| Fabio. | ||
| I got a girl for you. | ||
| Eliza. | ||
| Eliza's the most recent one to do it. | ||
| If you say Eliza, you don't have to say Schlesinger. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Oh, we went to see the comic. | ||
| Her name was Eliza. | ||
| I know that bitch. | ||
| Morrissey. | ||
| Morrissey. | ||
| But that's the last name, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm digging here. | ||
| What's his real name? | ||
| Does he have a first name? | ||
| Or no? | ||
| You could change it. | ||
| Imagine if you could erase your history. | ||
| Oh, I know. | ||
| Forget my name. | ||
| That's not me, man. | ||
| Hasselhock. | ||
| Hasselhock. | ||
| Hasselhock? | ||
| Hasselback? | ||
| David? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Have you ever listened to his music? | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| I'm a big fan. | ||
| I got a tattoo. | ||
| I showed you that. | ||
| I can't show it on that podcast, but if you guys want to say it again... | ||
| Yeah, it's illegal. | ||
| We're in Texas. | ||
| We're in the Bible Belt. | ||
| We can't be fucking around with nudity. | ||
| But he was like a giant pop star in Germany, right? | ||
| He still is. | ||
| And they're auctioning his... | ||
| Is that him? | ||
| They're auctioning his statue from Spongebob right now. | ||
| You could buy this for the new studio. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Q-Stack? | ||
| This is a newer song. | ||
| This song came out a month ago. | ||
| Give me a little bit of this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| Come on, give me a little bit of this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How did he become British? | |
| Did he take a course? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| That's a filter. | ||
| You can turn it off for a different country. | ||
| It's like being a unicorn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is Alex Jones' ringtone. | |
| I think this is a cover song. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| From Satan? | ||
| Here's a legitimate question. | ||
| If that wasn't the guy from Baywatch, and it was this really cool avant-garde artist, wouldn't you treat that song differently? | ||
| It says 45 million views. | ||
| Well, they're all German. | ||
| German people. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| It's Michael Jacksonhoff! | ||
| He's attacking us with his content. | ||
| Oh, this is from a movie. | ||
| Couldn't remember that one. | ||
| I met that dude. | ||
| He was on an episode of Fear Factor. | ||
| He's a very nice guy. | ||
| David Hasselhoff. | ||
| He was a really nice guy. | ||
| Real friendly. | ||
| Easy to talk to. | ||
| Google Hasselhoff auction. | ||
| Spongebob. | ||
| Dude, seriously. | ||
| Look how realistic and big this statue of David Hasselhoff is that's up for auction right now. | ||
| Don't make me buy this. | ||
| Dude, you have to buy this. | ||
| That is not realistic. | ||
| That looks like Screech from Saved by the Bell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's from Spongebob. | |
| It's from Spongebob. | ||
| If you had that at your backyard party for your kids, come on! | ||
| I'd have to shoot that with arrows. | ||
| I'd have to pretend that it's a giant person trying to attack me, crawling on the ground. | ||
| I'd light that motherfucker up with arrows. | ||
| It's crazy looking. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Look at that! | ||
| Get that away from me. | ||
| That is so ridiculous. | ||
| That doesn't look anything like him. | ||
| He should fire those people. | ||
| It's from Spongebob movie. | ||
| That scene is classic, hilarious. | ||
| He's had a weird life, right? | ||
| David Hasselhoff? | ||
| He's gone from being like this heartthrob on this TV show to being like, just like, it's kind of fun. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like if you're having a movie, it's like good for a comedy. | ||
| He walks in and he's still kind of good looking, you know? | ||
| Tall, robust. | ||
| Comes in, raises eyebrows, say something ridiculous. | ||
| Makes your movie better. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing how it worked for him, but yet other people that do the same shit, it doesn't work for it. | ||
| It's kind of like the comics that never make it, like the Patch from Days of Our Lives. | ||
| He was hot and sexy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Patch? | |
| Patch and Kayla, he had a patch on Days of Our Lives. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Jamie can find it. | ||
| I don't know who you're talking about. | ||
| Steve Johnson. | ||
| That's the guy's name, the character. | ||
| But he's been a heartthrob his whole life, and he's never... | ||
| You never see him and get like, oh, man, he's... | ||
| Oh, that guy. | ||
| Oh, my God, I didn't know this was real. | ||
| He had a patch? | ||
| Yeah, dude, he's my favorite. | ||
| You could never do that today, because you'd be an ableist. | ||
| He's still the same role. | ||
| Still has a patch? | ||
| Still has it. | ||
| He's still on the show. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And he's still a sexy patch guy. | ||
| Okay, how old is he now? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I love him so much. | ||
| Listen, there's something amazing about soap operas. | ||
| It's 1985. He's still doing it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| So he's 33 years? | ||
| He's gone off and on a little bit. | ||
| You gotta get him on the podcast with a patch. | ||
| I would love to. | ||
| I would love to. | ||
| I'd have him on anytime he wants to come on. | ||
| Him and Kayla. | ||
| Listen, you gotta think... | ||
| Like, Days of Our Lives, like, do you remember when... | ||
| Here's a weird moment in time. | ||
| I want to bring everybody back. | ||
| It's a weird moment in time where General Hospital became one of the biggest shows in the country. | ||
| It was a daytime soap opera, and there was a drama between Luke and Laura. | ||
| And this was when I was in high school, and I watched General Hospital. | ||
| I have never since been really into a sitcom. | ||
| I mean, not a sitcom. | ||
| What are they called? | ||
| What are those things called? | ||
| Soap opera. | ||
| Where I would watch it every day. | ||
| I've never done it since. | ||
| Never. | ||
| Me either. | ||
| I was at Days of Life. | ||
| Bro, we were glued. | ||
| Me and my sister and all our friends, we were glued. | ||
| We needed to know what was going to happen with Luke and Laura. | ||
| And there was a lot of people like, God, Luke, I don't get it. | ||
| Like, how the fuck did Luke get Laura? | ||
| She's so hot. | ||
| What is it about Luke? | ||
| He's kind of like an average looking dude. | ||
| How the fuck is he getting Laura? | ||
| And it was part of the magic of this. | ||
| Because a lot of dudes were like, man, if she likes Luke, she'd probably like me. | ||
| She'd probably like me. | ||
| Question. | ||
| What news did you grow up watching more? | ||
| NBC, ABC, or CBS? That's a good question. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm guessing CBS. Who was the anchors? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because it was local. | ||
| I want to be honest with you. | ||
| I didn't pay attention to any news at all. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I mean zero. | ||
| Zero news until I was deep in my 20s. | ||
| Literally didn't pay attention at all. | ||
| I was never home. | ||
| I would go from high school to taekwondo practice. | ||
| I didn't watch any news. | ||
| I didn't give a fuck about the news. | ||
| I was trying to kick people. | ||
| I was a news junkie even as a baby because it was like, oh, this is like tells me where the tornado warnings are from, you know, like the same channel. | ||
| Dude, I would have been the dumbest person to talk to about anything going on in the world because I literally didn't know what was happening. | ||
| I didn't know at all. | ||
| I would hear, like, oh, Russia wants to kill us. | ||
| Shit! | ||
| He's gonna kill us. | ||
| Shit! | ||
| I didn't know anything. | ||
| So. | ||
| It helped. | ||
| It helped. | ||
| I got through a lot of the ideas. | ||
| Like, people, like, when you're growing up, you can get, you can seek comfort in ideas that other people agree to. | ||
| Like, you can find a bunch of other people that have similar ideas or ideas you can accept. | ||
| You can embrace them. | ||
| Yeah, I see your point. | ||
| You're like, okay, we're on the same team. | ||
| You could dive into that, and it's very tempting. | ||
| It's very tempting. | ||
| The best thing that happened to me, it's one of the best things that ever happened. | ||
| At the time, I thought it was the worst thing because I was so lonely. | ||
| I didn't feel like I fit in with anybody. | ||
| It didn't make sense at all. | ||
| All these people, even people that I loved hanging out with, I was like, I got to get out of here. | ||
| I felt like I was trapped. | ||
| I felt like I had all these wild ideas that I needed to explore. | ||
| I'm like, I can't stay here. | ||
| This is bad. | ||
| We shouldn't be staying here. | ||
| And that... | ||
| Like, those weird moments that you have when you're a kid, like, those are these weird doors you either go through or you don't, you know? | ||
| Do you ever think back on things that you've done? | ||
| Like, just weird moments in your life where you have this idea, like, I gotta go that way. | ||
| You have to go that way. | ||
| Like, what is that? | ||
| Is that just your understanding of all the possibilities and... | ||
| Or is there a fucking added little element? | ||
| Just a... | ||
| Just a little bit of fairy breeze that comes your way that says, Brian. | ||
| Brian, come on. | ||
| Come with us. | ||
| Take a chance. | ||
| You know what you want to do? | ||
| I think it's teaching. | ||
| When I was a kid, Choose Your Own Adventure was a thing, and it taught me to either choose A or B, and then I started incorporating that in my life and thinking there was two options instead of a billion options. | ||
| Explain that to people that don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| Choose Your Own Adventure was a book that you used to read the first page, and it would be like, hey, and then you get to the cave. | ||
| Do you want to go in the cave or run away? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Be a little bitch! | |
| Get the fuck out of there and tell! | ||
| Billy stayed in the cave and it was filled with hot porn stars and gold. | ||
| Bobby got eaten by wolves. | ||
| That made you think that there was just like a couple options. | ||
| And I think that as a kid, that's just like teaching anything where you learn something and you start growing up like, oh, there's only two options. | ||
| It's either go to the cops or rob the place or do this or do that. | ||
| Like violence and evil, you know? | ||
| Good and bad. | ||
| Church. | ||
| Good and bad. | ||
| But even that becomes bad sometimes. | ||
| Right? | ||
| With all these woke fucks looking to get angry at people, what have they done about priests? | ||
| Where's the outrage? | ||
| Where's the outrage on pedophile priests? | ||
| Is there some movement that I'm not aware of, or is it largely ignored? | ||
| No, Tijuana loves them, man. | ||
| No, Brian! | ||
| Stop with the jokes, son of a bitch. | ||
| I'm trying to make a point. | ||
| If people really wanted to fix things and get rid of the evil in the world, wouldn't you go after the fucking people that have been accused of fucking kids? | ||
| Wouldn't that be numero uno on the checklist? | ||
| How weird is that? | ||
| It's like one organization that's really well recognized for having a large number of child molesters. | ||
| Literally imagine if that was like the welders union. | ||
| I was trying to run it through my head. | ||
| If they fired them instead of moved them, maybe there would just be no priests anymore after so long. | ||
| No, there's a lot of priests that have never done anything like that. | ||
| There's a lot of priests that really believe what they're saying, and maybe they're not very sexual and they don't care about... | ||
| That's a weird thing, too, is that they make them celibate. | ||
| But there's a lot of priests that also just rubbed it on the outside, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| No! | ||
| I don't know what you mean, you son of a bitch! | ||
| They're like, oh no, we did some bad shit. | ||
| We didn't do that, but we did all that. | ||
| We weren't the worst. | ||
| Right, I get it. | ||
| They wrestle. | ||
| They're wrestling with kids. | ||
| Boy Scouts. | ||
| None of it's good. | ||
| You know, it's like, you can't tell people they can't express themselves sexually. | ||
| You just can't. | ||
| Because if you tell people they have to be celibate but you don't do anything about their hormonal drive, they're going to get confused. | ||
| They're going to be literally crazed by this need to be touched. | ||
| It's part of what humans are. | ||
| And we're just so ashamed of it. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| We need to be touched. | ||
| We need to be touched physically, like friends and hugs and stuff like that. | ||
| And we need sex. | ||
| It's like nice for people. | ||
| It feels good. | ||
| And when you tell people they can't have that, you can't have the one for sure, then they spend a whole... | ||
| They don't spend much time with the other. | ||
| Like, if you can't fuck, you don't spend a whole lot of time hugging. | ||
| It's not like, I know we can't fuck, but can we just spoon? | ||
| Like, priests aren't spooning chicks. | ||
| They're not allowed to have sex. | ||
| They're not allowed to spoon. | ||
| There's nothing going on. | ||
| So you have all these needs that your body has because we're engineered to reproduce. | ||
| We're engineered. | ||
| It used to be hard to survive. | ||
| We're soft. | ||
| We're gooey. | ||
| We figured out tools, but everything can eat us. | ||
| So it was always run, hide, get in the cave, start the fire, stab it when it comes in. | ||
| There was always that. | ||
| We just forgot. | ||
| How old were you when you learned that tortilla chips were just a tortilla cut in force? | ||
| And you used to be like, why are tortilla chips bad for you? | ||
| And then you realize, holy shit, I just ate 42 tortillas. | ||
| I'll tell you why. | ||
| January 25th, 2021. That's when I figured that out. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Today, day old? | ||
| Yeah, today. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| I found that out recently as an adult. | ||
| That's kind of weird. | ||
| I just found out. | ||
| I just found out right now. | ||
| I never thought of it twice. | ||
| I don't eat that shit. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I don't eat tortilla soup. | ||
| That's a lot of tortillas though. | ||
| No, I want like soft tortillas. | ||
| I'm not stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| What? | ||
| I want soft tortillas. | ||
| I don't want tortilla chips. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Unless I'm having salsa, I'm not interested in my soup. | ||
| That just hurts the top of your mouth. | ||
| Soft tortilla chips are just damp. | ||
| If you have tortilla soup, right, it just scrapes your mouth. | ||
| I'm confused. | ||
| Tortilla soup. | ||
| I love tortilla soup. | ||
| It's nonsense. | ||
| It's a nonsense food. | ||
| Dude, you haven't had it right. | ||
| Okay, what about menudo? | ||
| Have you had real menudo? | ||
| That's like a sign. | ||
| Are you real? | ||
| Have you actually had real Mexican food? | ||
| Have you had menudo on a Sunday? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I feel like I have. | ||
| I bet you're both lying. | ||
| I said no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're lying too. | ||
| You have? | ||
| I dated a Mexican girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's just... | |
| I did all that shit for years. | ||
| There was a place in Boulder, Colorado where you get menudo. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| It's like tripe and liver and all... | ||
| I don't even know what the ingredients are. | ||
| And beans. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| I remember you talking about this. | ||
| It's this crazy soup that some Mexican joints will serve and they don't always have it. | ||
| Do you remember that place that was near us in Woodland Hills? | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| It was in Woodland Hills. | ||
| Where was that place, that Mexican joint? | ||
| Remember it was down, like, it's either down Canoga. | ||
| Was it down Canoga? | ||
| No. | ||
| I know what it's down. | ||
| DeSoto? | ||
| The other one. | ||
| Okay, we won't say it. | ||
| Too late. | ||
| Too late. | ||
| They're gonna get swamped. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| Del Taco, I know. | ||
| Well, it won't be open right now, but it was so good. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| But it was so small. | ||
| But you didn't want to ruin it, because you would go there. | ||
| No one could speak English. | ||
| You had to say the thing on the wall, point to them, and you give them the money. | ||
| They barely spoke English. | ||
| And their food was so legit. | ||
| What's the name? | ||
| Shut your mouth, communist! | ||
| No, they need the shout-out right now. | ||
| They're probably hurting. | ||
| They're not open right now. | ||
| I don't think any restaurants are open. | ||
| They didn't have an outside. | ||
| They're probably doing take-out. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| It's called the Big Burrito. | ||
| I said it. | ||
| Big Burrito. | ||
| All right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's good, man. | |
| It's good. | ||
| I don't want to ruin it. | ||
| I don't want a bunch of people like me showing up. | ||
| You probably just saved their life. | ||
| Dude, but you would go there and they would have these Spanish soap operas. | ||
| You know, because we would say, oh, this guy's got a patch on his eye. | ||
| He's been playing the same character for 33 years. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| And the Spanish would be like, hold my beer. | ||
| Let me show you. | ||
| Hold my cerveza. | ||
| Let me show you some of the most ridiculous plots in the history of soap operas. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And even the game shows. | ||
| The game shows were all voluptuous women in red dresses, like dancing in the background and doing things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How about her? | |
| Hey! | ||
| Hey! | ||
| And sparkles would go off and shit. | ||
| They had ridiculous game shows, ridiculous soap operas, super entertaining stuff. | ||
| You weren't ever an actor in a soap opera once? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| You sure? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You probably forgot. | |
| I missed it. | ||
| Might have forgot. | ||
| I don't think I did, though. | ||
| No, I missed it all. | ||
| I missed all possibilities of being a soap opera actor. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| I would have done it. | ||
| My friends did it. | ||
| My friend, uh, Rahsaan, he's, uh, uh, Renato, uh, Hanato La Ranja. | ||
| It's like a character he plays. | ||
| He's a Brazilian jujitsu, crazy black belt character that's just trying to fuck everybody. | ||
| It's a really funny character. | ||
| I've been friends with Hanato forever. | ||
| There's a video, an improvised video that people still to this day think is real of Hanato confronting me after training and talking to me about James Brown. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, yeah, because he's arguing about weed. | ||
| Yeah, he was talking about weed, right? | ||
| He wanted to argue, this is like, I have a wallet chain. | ||
| So it's like five years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You guys go on and on and on. | |
| Son of a bitch! | ||
| Oh, it's really long. | ||
| But he just, it was like this ongoing, like, comedy routine that we did. | ||
| He did, I was just trying to get dressed and I'd pretend that I'm just trying to go. | ||
| - Smoking with heifer? | ||
| - Yeah, that's a smoking heifer. | ||
| - Is that like weed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
- That's like weed. | |
| - I'm putting, see what I'm doing? | ||
| - No, this is tea tree oil. | ||
| I'm putting tea tree oil on all my scratches. | ||
| Get that fungus out of there. | ||
| Well, when you do jiu-jitsu, you get a lot of nail scratches. | ||
| So I was putting tea tree oil on my nails. | ||
| People accidentally scratch you with their nails when they're trying to get out of chokes and stuff. | ||
| Especially if you have someone's back, they grab your ankles and your heels. | ||
| It happens all the time. | ||
| I just use it on my balls, man. | ||
| A lot of fungus. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| It's tingly. | ||
| It's smooth. | ||
| It feels good. | ||
| It feels like you're alive. | ||
| What's going on with my balls? | ||
| As long as you don't get it in your eyes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But, uh, what was my point? | ||
| That he was on a soap opera. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He used to be on a soap opera. | ||
| I think he was on Days of Our Lives. | ||
| Oh my god, really? | ||
| If you got a gig like that, that's one thing, though. | ||
| If you were in Hollywood and you got that gig, man, you would work for a long-ass time. | ||
| And they do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How long did Luke and Laura stay on the air? | ||
| They're still there. | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| I thought General Hospital, I thought that closed. | ||
| Hold on! | ||
| No, I think General Hospital closed a couple years ago, if I remember correctly. | ||
| No, I was just looking at it. | ||
| Or it was the other one? | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Luke and Laura are still real? | ||
| I was just looking. | ||
| I mean, I might have jumped and I just said they're still there. | ||
| But I was looking at it. | ||
| It said it's a 2015 something was still going on. | ||
| Yeah, 2015. What about 2018? | ||
| 2021, bro. | ||
| About 2019. Early 2019. What about that? | ||
| What about 2016? | ||
| Anything? | ||
| Anything? | ||
| No. | ||
| That was a weird moment though, wasn't it? | ||
| Where like that soap opera became national media. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Can you see who it is? | ||
| No. | ||
| Tim Dillon. | ||
| Oh, don't answer it. | ||
| He wants to talk about that lady he made fun of in his video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My god, get the David Hasselhoff statue, I'll buy it from you. | |
| What was I just saying to you? | ||
| Distracted. | ||
| This has been a disaster of a podcast. | ||
| It's so much fun. | ||
| So much fun. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| It's almost 5 o'clock, believe it or not. | ||
| Shit, I gotta get the fuck home and grab some shit and go back. | ||
| That's what I'm saying, dog. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| We'll get you a ride. | ||
| You're not driving. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| I'm gonna bring a helicopter for you. | ||
| Actually, I got my driver here. | ||
| Short rounds here. | ||
| Short round? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You call her Dr. Jones, dog. | |
| You know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that the person, Indiana Jones? | |
| Yeah, I have my girlfriend dressed up like... | ||
| His name is Short Round? | ||
| Yeah, I have my girlfriend dress up like Short Round all the time. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| That's what that's from. | ||
| Such a good fetish. | ||
| It is so awesome. | ||
| I'm like, feels like we're stepping on fortune cookies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those are fortune cookies! | |
| It's awesome. | ||
| So tell everybody what is going on at Anton's and how often it's going on. | ||
| Oh yeah, Anton's. | ||
| It's going to start up the second week of February. | ||
| We've already been doing it once a week, but every Thursday we have a secret show, which is great for comics that are in town that want to try out some material off the lineup, you know? | ||
| Like, hey, you know, I want to do a quick 10, quick 15. It's great that we have a lot of local comics and everybody, and then Kill Tony every Monday. | ||
| At Antone's. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I was talking about secret shows. | ||
| Yeah, Vulcan. | ||
| So, Vulcan and Antone's. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Antone's on Monday for Kill Tony. | ||
| Yeah, Vulcan Thursdays in February. | ||
| It's going to start up. | ||
| Thursdays in February. | ||
| And Vulcan was the first place I went on stage after a long time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was like July until Tony did a show at Vulcan. | ||
| It's a good spot. | ||
| It's a nice little spot, man. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| There's a lot of comedy going on there, too, right? | ||
| There's a lot of comedy in Austin, which is like every night out here, which is great. | ||
| You feel like comedy is still alive out here. | ||
| And that's what's amazing about the city is that for comedians, it really is. | ||
| Like, hey, you get to feel that stage time, which I think a lot of us are going crazy about. | ||
| There's a thing about Austin, too. | ||
| And this is what I think is going to be really good for us. | ||
| Like, legitimately. | ||
| Not just because... | ||
| I'm not saying this just because I'm here. | ||
| But I've always thought this about Austin. | ||
| Austin has this artistic integrity to it. | ||
| There's a lot of music that's created here in Austin. | ||
| I mean, it's the place where Stevie Ray Vaughan became huge. | ||
| Stevie Ray Vaughan actually used to play at Stubbs for food. | ||
| The place where Chappelle and I have been doing shows. | ||
| Stevie Ray Vaughan used to play there for food. | ||
| Yeah, there's pictures of these cool motherfuckers on the wall back there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is he like... | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Probably exactly like that. | ||
| They would pay him with food. | ||
| I mean, that was like, you know, that was the folklore. | ||
| I don't even really know if it's true, but it's a great story that early in his career they paid him with food. | ||
| But it's just, this place is filled with, like, small bars and small restaurants and, you know, places like Anton's where you can see, like, Real music. | ||
| You can see people just doing their art form. | ||
| And yeah, some people get famous out of here. | ||
| There's definitely people that get famous out of here. | ||
| But that's not entirely the point. | ||
| There's a culture of art here. | ||
| Whether it's with actual painting and drawing or whether it's with music or food. | ||
| This is a cool place. | ||
| It's good for us. | ||
| Because I think there was something that was going on in LA that was not necessarily... | ||
| It wasn't terrible because it made people money. | ||
| But it wasn't the best for the actual art form of stand-up. | ||
| And that was being connected to Hollywood money. | ||
| Because two things happened. | ||
| One, you want to work. | ||
| And so you sort of start bending your ideals to what people like, how they react to, what they react to positively. | ||
| And then... | ||
| You don't take as many chances because you're really worried about not being able to get a role on a television show or in a movie or you worry about saying something crazy like, that bit's funny but I can't do it. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| Like that kind of stuff fucks us. | ||
| Like and guys do that and they sort of become some different thing and then they get famous and then they're stuck in this like different thing category and then they maybe get a divorce and they're a little bit bitter but they have to hide it. | ||
| You know, like they want to come out but this is their spot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is their spot. | |
| This is a spot that keeps generating income. | ||
| And it's a weird thing that happens when you're connected to Hollywood. | ||
| But if you're in a place where comedy is just comedy, like we all agree, you say something ridiculous, I know it's not true. | ||
| It's fucking, it's just, is it funny or is it not? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| There's little RPMs that you can tap into. | ||
| There's little things you can say that make everybody feel better. | ||
| How do you get to those? | ||
| How do you get to those? | ||
| You don't get to those worrying about whether or not NBC is going to hire you. | ||
| You get to those in a community where there's nobody but comedy. | ||
| There's nobody but us. | ||
| We've never had that before. | ||
| That's what we can have here. | ||
| That's what we can have here. | ||
| We can have this here. | ||
| We don't need all the executive type characters and all these interferons. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| We need podcasts and shows. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| We're good. | ||
| Just as long as you only have podcasts and shows. | ||
| Then everybody knows what's up. | ||
| Everybody knows what they're going to go see. | ||
| Everybody knows what they're doing. | ||
| Everybody knows you say something ridiculous. | ||
| You don't mean it. | ||
| It's just you're trying to hit that spot. | ||
| Trying to say that thing where people go, Bah! | ||
| Some ridiculous shit like we do on podcasts. | ||
| We've never had that before. | ||
| We've always been connected at the tit. | ||
| We've been brainwashed. | ||
| It's part of that. | ||
| Some comics... | ||
| I got in a deep philosophical discussion of stand-up very early on when I was unqualified, and I didn't really have the right fucking ways of describing the way I felt about things. | ||
| But they were talking about being clean. | ||
| In the 80s especially, you have to do clean comedy. | ||
| And if you weren't doing clean comedy, people would say, hey, you're ruining your career with these dirty jokes. | ||
| You've got to do clean comedy. | ||
| I'll never forget that. | ||
| And I remember thinking, why is it so good to only say the things that you know that can be on censored television? | ||
| Well, only because that's where the money is. | ||
| It's clear. | ||
| We all agree. | ||
| There were certain people, even in the early, early days of stand-up, when nobody knew... | ||
| There was a lot of these legendary, dirty comics that would be in these places, and we would all go to see them. | ||
| There was a bunch of them. | ||
| There was a bunch of these guys that were like, They were like local legends, you know? | ||
| There were people that you would hear about, and people would go to go see them. | ||
| They've always been the case. | ||
| But they couldn't get on television, because television was selling ads. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| But the comics would always go see them. | ||
| Like, if you knew good comedy, or you loved comedy, you would go, okay, okay, okay. | ||
| Who's pushing it the hardest? | ||
| Who's going the furthest? | ||
| If you're a real comic, you're like, I'm gonna go see that guy. | ||
| He's at this place. | ||
| I'm gonna go see her. | ||
| She's over here. | ||
| You would go see someone who's, like, really fucking going for it. | ||
| Really going for it. | ||
| But we were all, in a way, we were all, like, weighted down by Hollywood. | ||
| We don't need to be. | ||
| It's not necessary. | ||
| And that's one of the reasons why I wanted to move here. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| It's getting more obvious, too. | ||
| By the week. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not even their fault, man. | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| Whether they're Comedy Central or any place, it's not their fault. | ||
| They're trying to make money. | ||
| They're trying to sell ads. | ||
| They've got to calm everybody down. | ||
| Like, hey, you can't say that word. | ||
| You can't do this. | ||
| That sketch is too offensive. | ||
| We can't get an ad. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get what they're trying to do. | ||
| People are like, well, if you're funny, you can be funny clean, too. | ||
| Sure you can, but what's the point? | ||
| What is the point? | ||
| Why are we removing subjects? | ||
| If you really want to know what people think, why are we adhering to any form of censorship in terms of saying the word fuck or whatever word you want to say? | ||
| What are we doing with words? | ||
| Aren't we supposed to be conveying intent? | ||
| Shouldn't we have the richest... | ||
| Arsenal to draw from. | ||
| Shouldn't we have all the fun words and just know how to use them correctly? | ||
| And how to recognize that someone's using them incorrectly? | ||
| Wouldn't it be better for everybody if we just accept all the words? | ||
| How come you can accept it when you're a 35-year-old at a party with your friends? | ||
| And you can't accept it if you're watching NBC? What is that? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Right, Jimmy? | ||
| Do you agree with what I'm saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| So why is it still going on? | ||
| Tell me. | ||
| You're a logical person. | ||
| It's not for popularity. | ||
| I mean, it's not for the old regime. | ||
| Why is it still going on in media? | ||
| Why are there still rules in NBC, ABC, CBS? I feel like that's different, though. | ||
| There's tiers of media. | ||
| There's different blocks. | ||
| If you want to be in that block, you've got to play by their rules. | ||
| But that block doesn't mean as much as it used to. | ||
| But how weird is it that that block is still there? | ||
| To start back at the show, that girl that you're bringing up your daughter watches 25 million views, she has 5 million Instagram followers. | ||
| I've never heard of her before today. | ||
| Well, you need to watch it. | ||
| I'm just saying, but no one's stopping her from doing anything. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Listen, no, no. | ||
| That's not what I'm saying at all. | ||
| I don't think that. | ||
| I'm just thinking it's fascinating. | ||
| That's not what I'm saying. | ||
| At all. | ||
| What I'm saying is it's just fascinating that these CBS, NBC, ABC shows still have this FCC guidelines thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, true. | |
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's all about you. | |
| I got you. | ||
| But it's just bizarre. | ||
| It's because we all talk a certain way. | ||
| I mean, occasionally you swear. | ||
| You shouldn't do it all the time. | ||
| But if you're doing something that's supposed to be entertaining, when are you allowed to swear around your kids? | ||
| When is it okay? | ||
| When they're 30? | ||
| Like, when do you say, what's wrong with the gardener? | ||
| He's a fucking asshole. | ||
| That guy, he always keeps the water on. | ||
| He fucking runs over the grass. | ||
| He's always drunk. | ||
| He's an asshole. | ||
| They're still using really old technology, though, but that's still, it's more broadly accessible. | ||
| Regulated. | ||
| But it's more accessible, too. | ||
| That's part of the reason why. | ||
| Yeah, but come on, man. | ||
| Everybody has a smartphone now. | ||
| Kids are, like, fucking 12 years old. | ||
| They got iPhones. | ||
| They have the whole world at their hands. | ||
| This idea that somehow or another we need to protect people by censoring ABC, NBC, and CBS. If I was those people, I'd be pissed. | ||
| Because I'd be like, hey, you need to let this go. | ||
| We're trying to compete with YouTube, you fucks. | ||
| Are you trying to end TV forever? | ||
| I don't think they view it that way. | ||
| Because the last couple of years they've allowed YouTube to advertise on their biggest broadcast of the year. | ||
| Like with the sporting events that are being watched by everyone. | ||
| Oh, well, I get that. | ||
| They have an advantage with that. | ||
| Currently. | ||
| Like they have contracts with live sporting events. | ||
| That's kind of like the only reason why television really makes sense. | ||
| Because if you really wanted me to wait till Thursday... | ||
| It's the Thursday, 9pm. | ||
| That's when the show's on. | ||
| Why am I doing that? | ||
| When I can just go to Netflix and I can see the whole season. | ||
| Am I a baby? | ||
| I can't decide. | ||
| I want to just stay up all night and binge watch it. | ||
| I want to binge watch it. | ||
| And I think most sports are on the way out anyway. | ||
| That show WandaVision is doing the opposite of that right now. | ||
| I don't know what that show is. | ||
| I've seen like a black and white photograph. | ||
| The people who control the Marvel Cinematic Universe have made a TV show. | ||
| And it is in that world, so if you really care and spend all that time watching all those movies and like... | ||
| Loved the end of the Avengers. | ||
| Now this is the continuation. | ||
| Two of those characters are now living their lives in this world. | ||
| Once a week, you're going to now be led along the path of that. | ||
| If you want to jump back in and see where they're going, back in the days of Lost, talk about it with your friends for a week. | ||
| Get in the chat board. | ||
| See where What's this mean? | ||
| What is that little thing in the corner of that? | ||
| Why are they playing that music? | ||
| Does it mean anything to the future? | ||
| Some people really like to get lost in that. | ||
| Some people don't give a shit. | ||
| I honestly enjoyed the first Wonder Woman movie. | ||
| You did? | ||
| I did. | ||
| I turned that shit off. | ||
| The first one? | ||
| The first one? | ||
| It felt like a tampon commercial. | ||
| I had to turn it off. | ||
| I don't mind a tampon commercial. | ||
| Wait, were you with your family watching it? | ||
| No. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I get it now. | ||
| But meanwhile... | ||
| Here's my thing though. | ||
| There's been some good Batmans, right? | ||
| There's been a bunch of good DC comic books. | ||
| But why is there overwhelmingly more interest in Marvel comics than DC? What is that? | ||
| Better characters. | ||
| But DC has Superman. | ||
| That really only happened when Jon Favreau made Iron Man. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| That was when the Marvel Cinematic Universe took off. | ||
| Was that the first one that was before Spider-Man? | ||
| That was a different movie. | ||
| It was almost R-rated. | ||
| What about when Eric Bana was the Hulk? | ||
| What year was that? | ||
| Wasn't that before that? | ||
| They were still making movies, but they were just in a different style. | ||
| The Fantastic Four movie got made like four times. | ||
| Did you see the documentary about Japanese Spider-Man? | ||
| No, I did not. | ||
| I highly recommend it. | ||
| Netflix. | ||
| I think it's about Japanese Spider-Man. | ||
| It's very interesting. | ||
| Love to see that. | ||
| But before we get to that, how many... | ||
| There's way more Marvel comics that have been successful. | ||
| They have X-Men. | ||
| There's a whole Mutants. | ||
| It's a whole different genre of... | ||
| It is interesting that both groups will remake a show like that. | ||
| Remake a movie. | ||
| How many Batmans? | ||
| Infinity. | ||
| So many. | ||
| So many, right? | ||
| From Michael Keaton on and before the TV guy. | ||
| Yeah, there's like four in production now with three different Batmans. | ||
| So many Batmans, right? | ||
| You got two Batmans simultaneously. | ||
| You got Twilight guy and you got... | ||
| Keaton's going to be one. | ||
| And Ben Affleck. | ||
| Ben Affleck. | ||
| Michael Keaton's going to be one too? | ||
| In the Flash movie or something. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Rumors. | ||
| TMZ Jamie. | ||
| I mean, anybody can be one now, right? | ||
| With CGI. It almost got announced after we talked about it on the podcast. | ||
| Tony brought it up and the next day they announced Michael Keaton. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe keeps saying he wants to be the Joker. | ||
| I'm like, dude, hold out for Batman. | ||
| With CGI, you could be Batman. | ||
| Anybody can be Batman now. | ||
| Michael Keaton, they're bringing him back as Batman. | ||
| The first transgender Batman. | ||
| Did you see that one Batman, or Michael Keaton movie rather, where it was a couple years back, it was about actors? | ||
| There was a movie that was really critically acclaimed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| Birdman. | ||
| Birdman. | ||
| He was a superhero in that. | ||
| I did not like that movie. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I did, man. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know why I liked it? | ||
| Not that it was like... | ||
| There's a thing about movies we get like really used to those set up, you know You know conflict resolution ending yay We get used to that pattern and it feels good when it ends like that. | ||
| Yeah fucking King Kong did kick Godzilla's ass But every now and then a movie comes along like no country for old men or it ends you like what? | ||
| And it ends you like I deserve this I deserve this I was I was waiting for some I saw an amazing movie and I was waiting for some cookie cutter ending and I saw a movie like that recently where you're watching and you're like, okay, I think I've seen a movie like this before. | ||
| Now where are we going? | ||
| Because you don't know where it's going. | ||
| It's called Promising Young Woman. | ||
| I heard about that. | ||
| I heard it's really good. | ||
| Pretty good. | ||
| It's a promising movie. | ||
| Dude, I tried to watch Tenet. | ||
| I was a little too sleepy. | ||
| I fucked up. | ||
| Be wide awake. | ||
| Yeah, I need to be on Adderall to watch Tenet. | ||
| It seems like I need a notebook. | ||
| There was so much going on. | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| It's a wild-ass movie. | ||
| All bullshit aside. | ||
| I did enjoy it, though. | ||
| The crazy thing about it was how original it was. | ||
| It was one of those movies where you're like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Some movies, they have a certain plot, and you think you got it. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| I see what's going on. | ||
| With that movie, you're like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| What is happening here? | ||
| What's happening with time? | ||
| He's fighting himself? | ||
| What? | ||
| Spoiler alert? | ||
| Powerful Denzel's son. | ||
| Is that Denzel's son? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Wow. | ||
| You're going to hear my Danny Glover impersonation. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Did you enjoy it? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I've seen it twice already. | ||
| Have you really? | ||
| That's the only movie I saw in the theater all year. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| I went to go see it. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Dude, it was weird. | ||
| It was one of those movies where I've got to watch this again when I'm less tired. | ||
| I fucked up. | ||
| I tried to watch it at like 7 p.m. | ||
| and I got that old man sleepy eye thing going on. | ||
| Yeah, that's every day for me. | ||
| Hey, do a Danny Glover impersonation. | ||
| I want to hear it. | ||
| I don't have a Danny Glover impersonation. | ||
| Alright, you want to hear mine? | ||
| Okay, we'll end it on this. | ||
| I'm getting too old for this shit. | ||
| Yes, thank you. | ||
| Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
| Goodbye and good news. | ||
| See ya. |
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