Feb. 12, 2020 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:10:05
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| I'm not supposed to smoke in my building, so... | ||
| They don't let you smoke weed in your building? | ||
| What kind of fucking arcade building? | ||
| Because it's legal. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| We can't do things that are legal anymore. | ||
| But you can smoke cigarettes in your building, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, you have a smoke-free building? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Health conscious? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Ah. | ||
| Well, I get that kind of, if you say no cigarettes, you kind of have to say no weed, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But cigarette smoke stays... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, that gets in the walls and in the fabrics and all that stuff. | ||
| Like, the weed just kinda... | ||
| For us. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I think other people that don't smoke weed, they smell it. | ||
| Yeah, and those people need to get out of California. | ||
| I mean, you smell it everywhere you go now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| I'm so numb to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everywhere. | |
| It makes me laugh when I can see a tourist. | ||
| They're just like, oh, oh, oh. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| My wife kind of gets that way, and she smokes weed. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| But when we're with the kids, if we go somewhere, she's like, oh, lovely. | ||
| She'll smell it. | ||
| Women are so funny when they have kids. | ||
| All of a sudden, they get real protective of everything. | ||
| That's where conservative people... | ||
| Mama bear. | ||
| Yep, yep, yep. | ||
| They want to protect that den. | ||
| Oh, great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Lovely. | ||
| Out in public. | ||
| Like, I was doing it an hour ago. | ||
| It always makes me laugh when it's in the morning and you're like, shit, it's like 9am and someone's just smoking a blunt outside of brunch. | ||
| Well, yoga, there's this one dude that I go to yoga with, this old fella, and he has a van and he parks his van right next to the yoga place and he gets fucking blasted! | ||
| Just hotboxed? | ||
| Blasted! | ||
| It's like a Cheech and Chong movie. | ||
| He opens up that van and climbs into yoga class. | ||
| You could see him just whacked out in class sometimes, too. | ||
| Hotbox yoga? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You could see him in class, just like, he's in the middle of doing his yoga and, like, freaking out, like... | ||
| I saw a guy in the steam room at the gym doing that. | ||
| He was just like, should I call someone? | ||
| He could be on anything. | ||
| The steam room at the gym is a dangerous area. | ||
| People are half naked and they get weird. | ||
| Yeah, that steam makes you do crazy things. | ||
| I just close my eyes and just meditate. | ||
| And try not to pay attention to the sounds going on. | ||
| Also, you're just sitting there, right? | ||
| So people get anxious. | ||
| They get antsy. | ||
| Just sitting there. | ||
| And then you get those really aggressive breathers who are just like, and you're like, was that a climax? | ||
| What was that? | ||
| Oh, by the way, hold on before I get it. | ||
| Speaking of climax, five years ago I came and did your podcast. | ||
| Was it that long ago? | ||
| It was five years ago, yeah. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It was up and coming. | ||
| God damn, it takes a long time. | ||
| Out of a tool shed. | ||
| Yeah, we were not far from here. | ||
| And here we are. | ||
| What do you got? | ||
| That was last Valentine's Day, so I feel like I got you some Valentine's Day candy. | ||
| Oh, hearts! | ||
| Because I feel like we have a running theme here, so... | ||
| Was it Valentine's Day last time, too? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No shit! | ||
| It was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So this is the week of Valentine's, so I get it. | ||
| To Joe from Justin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| So sweet. | ||
| You know, I'm getting more candy in your life. | ||
| These are like weird candies, right? | ||
| Because they only sell them because they're in the heart shape. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| If they were stars, people are like, what the fuck kind of bullshit candy is that? | ||
| Yeah, and they're probably filled with cyanide and horrible things for your body. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| So enjoy. | ||
| I don't think so, because they want to sell more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just a good old-fashioned mess. | ||
| Dude, did you see that fucking video of China where they're spraying disinfectant in the streets to try to kill the coronavirus? | ||
| Jamie, it's on my, uh, is that bullshit? | ||
| But they do that shit in Arkansas. | ||
| Some of it's bullshit. | ||
| Some of them are real, but some of them, I think, are not accurate videos. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've seen it on a couple different spots online. | ||
| I've seen it, too. | ||
| I've seen various ones. | ||
| Some of them look a little more egregious. | ||
| Let's pretend we're ignorant and we don't know any better. | ||
| But watch the video, because it's fucking bonkers, man. | ||
| They're driving through the streets, spraying everything at street level. | ||
| The thing I saw going around before, which is you didn't... | ||
| They were spraying with drones. | ||
| They were using drones to actually do it. | ||
| They're flying around people. | ||
| It begins... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| But see, they do that in the South with mosquitoes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So it's kind of like that. | ||
| Fucking terrible for you, too, by the way. | ||
| If you breathe that shit in, if it kills mosquitoes, it'll kill you, too. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That fucking stuff is awful. | ||
| All of our relatives are like, go play outside. | ||
| We're like, is this safe? | ||
| And they're like, yeah. | ||
| It's just off. | ||
| Let's watch this real quick. | ||
| Oh, fine. | ||
| It's on my Twitter. | ||
| Also, along with my man Eddie Izzard, is running 28 marathons in 28 days in 28 countries. | ||
| Good God. | ||
| All through the month of February. | ||
| All in drag. | ||
| I have socks on my floor. | ||
| So look at this. | ||
| Look how crazy this is, man. | ||
| Yeah, this is nuts. | ||
| These fucking people, they're spraying shit out of cars. | ||
| They're walking on the streets spraying buildings. | ||
| It's all disinfectant. | ||
| Apparently this coronavirus, they say, can live outside of a host for three days. | ||
| So if you have, like, coronavirus on your hand, you touch a railing, that shit will exist outside of your body for three days, which is very unusual. | ||
| That's like some parasite shit. | ||
| Well, this is what these doctors have been saying forever. | ||
| The one that died? | ||
| That's one of them. | ||
| But the doctors that studied at the CDC, Duncan and I went to the CDC down in Galveston, I think it is, and we were talking with these infectious disease experts, and we were all conspiracy theory-like. | ||
| We were worried about... | ||
| Man-made viruses. | ||
| And he goes, listen, you don't have to worry about man-made viruses. | ||
| He goes, these motherfuckers are making themselves. | ||
| They're mutating. | ||
| He didn't use the term motherfucker. | ||
| Well, right. | ||
| Well, he wanted to. | ||
| Probably did. | ||
| But he was saying, they make themselves, and they happen all the time, and we barely can keep up with them, and it just takes one big, giant one, like the Spanish flu. | ||
| The crazy thing, the Spanish flu was 1920, and this is 2020. Interesting. | ||
| Every hundred years. | ||
| Yeah, and I want to say before that was what, like yellow fever or something? | ||
| There's probably some shit in the 1820s. | ||
| Yeah, like down in the south, like the Carolinas and Georgia. | ||
| Find out what was the pandemic in the 18... | ||
| Oh, here's the drones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Army of drones deployed across China, dispensed disinfectant. | ||
| See, here's why I call that bullshit on that. | ||
| How much fucking disinfectant can they carry in that little bullshit-ass drone? | ||
| That ain't gonna kill. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| They're so little. | ||
| That ain't gonna kill. | ||
| They can go refill. | ||
| And I love how it says army of drones. | ||
| There's like three. | ||
| It's a bullshit-ass army. | ||
| Calm down. | ||
| The thing, them driving to the streets freaked me out more than anything. | ||
| Yeah, that's intense. | ||
| It is intense. | ||
| That's just like a fog. | ||
| The other thing, too, which was scary, I think it was real. | ||
| There was a drone that followed a woman out of her house. | ||
| She didn't have a mask on, and it was like, ma'am, you don't have a mask. | ||
| Please go home. | ||
| Go home. | ||
| And it followed her home. | ||
| In China? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't translate, so I don't know if what it was saying was if someone just made a video to be scary. | ||
| This shit really is like a movie. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's totally a movie. | ||
| Because everyone's got to be locked down in their houses. | ||
| They say kids are starving to death because they're locked in their houses and their parents are in the hospital. | ||
| They just had another... | ||
| I think I got a notification last night that said there was a guy in San Diego that's being treated. | ||
| I'm like, God... | ||
| Yeah, it's just a matter of time. | ||
| Just let me do the Rogan podcast before I get coronavirus, you know? | ||
| You're here, and neither of us have it, I think. | ||
| They say you're supposed to wash your hands a lot, but that was before they realized that it's transmitted through the air. | ||
| So I don't think that helps. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| This is the lady? | ||
| This drone is speaking to you. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| She has no idea what's going on. | ||
| She's so high. | ||
| You shouldn't walk without wearing a mask. | ||
| Yes, you better be home. | ||
| Don't forget to wash your hands. | ||
| She's got blue hair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Could also see someone fucking around to make a scary video. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| But it also could be real. | ||
| Now a drone is... | ||
| It could be real. | ||
| Why did you come outside without a mask? | ||
| The snow will melt itself in a few months. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| A few months. | ||
| Is that a haiku? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Stay at home with food and drinks. | ||
| Why do you always come outside? | ||
| This might be bullshit, but it might be real. | ||
| I'm not feeling good about it. | ||
| It scares me, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| It's like these things absolutely can wipe out millions and millions of people before they can get a handle on it. | ||
| I was on a plane a couple weeks ago flying from New Orleans back here, and I had this Viking woman behind me just open-mouthed coughing, and I was like, first of all, No. | ||
| Second of all, I had to turn around and say, hey, can you please cover your mouth? | ||
| And I had to do that to an adult woman. | ||
| And it made me feel weird. | ||
| Some people are just fucking selfish. | ||
| On a plane. | ||
| Some people, they just don't care. | ||
| They're just selfish. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't even care that other people feel uncomfortable. | ||
| They're just like, I have to cough! | ||
| Yeah, and you're going to all experience it. | ||
| Yeah, some people, if they're sick, they want you to be sick. | ||
| They're not happy. | ||
| Malicious. | ||
| And malignant. | ||
| Assholes. | ||
| I'm worried. | ||
| Don't be. | ||
| You know what I've been worried a lot about lately is glyphosate. | ||
| I've been reading into glyphosate. | ||
| Same. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| You can't just glyphosate me. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's Roundup. | ||
| It's a chemical that they use for pesticide. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| For agriculture. | ||
| And I was reading this whole thing about glyphosate and how toxic it is and how many people have gotten cancer from glyphosate and how often they use glyphosate on vegetables. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm like, motherfucker. | ||
| That's why you have to wash your vegetables. | ||
| I don't think you want... | ||
| Yeah, it's all in there anyways. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| As many as 85,000 glyphosate cancer lawsuits significantly closer to settlement after federal trial suspended. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of motherfuckers that got cancer from this shit. | ||
| That's the roundup. | ||
| That's the weed thing, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kills your weeds. | ||
| I think it kills pesticides. | ||
| It's weed and... | ||
| What does it say there? | ||
| Scroll down. | ||
| Scroll back up there. | ||
| No, the actual image of... | ||
| Oh, goddammit, these pop-ups. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| It says weed and grass killer? | ||
| Okay, so it's not a pesticide. | ||
| It's just for weeds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I bet it kills pests, too. | ||
| Oh, it kills everything. | ||
| But apparently a lot of people that are gardeners and that are working on golf courses, golf courses apparently, get it a lot because they spray that shit everywhere because they want everything to just be grass. | ||
| But does it leave like a brown spot? | ||
| No, I don't know how the fuck it kills the weeds and doesn't kill the grass. | ||
| Yeah, that is bizarre. | ||
| I'm Googling too. | ||
| There are other stories that are going around. | ||
| EPA reaffirms that glyphosate does not cause cancer. | ||
| Don't worry, folks. | ||
| Just drink it. | ||
| There was a guy at a press conference who was saying, I could drink this glass of glyphosate and it wouldn't do me any harm. | ||
| Some guy goes, drink it. | ||
| And he didn't. | ||
| And he didn't drink it. | ||
| Of course he didn't drink it. | ||
| Yeah, he's full of shit. | ||
| Talk the talk, talk the talk. | ||
| Yeah, talk is cheap, you fuck. | ||
| That glyphosate stuff. | ||
| It's like, look, weeds are supposed to be there, man. | ||
| They're supposed to grow along with everything else. | ||
| That's how it's supposed to work. | ||
| You can't decide what shit grows. | ||
| You're supposed to pluck those weeds. | ||
| That's what I was going to say, just pull them out. | ||
| Yeah, you fucking lazy bitch. | ||
| Oh, thank God. | ||
| But if you have a garden, you can pluck your weeds. | ||
| But if you have a gigantic monocrop agriculture farm and 6,000 acres of corn or alfalfa or some shit, you can't really... | ||
| Glyphosate or pluck it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't really pluck it. | |
| You gotta spray that bitch. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Whenever something happens like this coronavirus thing, I get worried about all kinds of stuff. | ||
| I start worrying about all kinds of weird fucking toxins and chemicals, you know? | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's what I always... | ||
| I think about that all the time. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| I do. | ||
| Well, like, I grew up in the South, so it's like I remember, like, crop dusters, like, flying over, and I remember... | ||
| To kill mosquitoes, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the mosquitoes and then the actual, like, planes that would come over and just dump everything. | ||
| And then I look up, and then I start thinking about chemtrails. | ||
| And this is just a Tuesday. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, but I think about like that shit like, you know, when it rains and then that stuff gets into the water supply and then you're just like, oh, I got a Brita filter, but is it really? | ||
| You know? | ||
| There's another yoga guy that I know that teaches yoga and he didn't know that you're not supposed to swim in the ocean right after the rain. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| In Los Angeles, apparently, it's super dangerous to get in that ocean. | ||
| Yeah, because all the runoff. | ||
| Because the way LA's system is, you know, the LA River and all that jazz, which is sort of a fake river. | ||
| It's not even a river at all. | ||
| But it's perfect for LA. Call it the LA River, the LA River. | ||
| It is perfect when you look at it. | ||
| You're like, oh yeah, it's fake. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| It's literally just a concrete stream. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's like a fucking gross drainage. | ||
| It's just enormous. | ||
| Well, when that bitch goes down into the ocean, it carries with it all the garbage, all the chemicals, oil from the streets, all that stuff. | ||
| Needles. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's all in the water. | ||
| And so when you go surfing right after that, you get really fucking sick. | ||
| And he was telling me he got deathly ill because he just didn't know any better. | ||
| He was just out there. | ||
| He's from Argentina, I guess, where it's not as much of an issue there. | ||
| And he was in that water. | ||
| He got fucked up. | ||
| He said he was a wreck for like two weeks. | ||
| Yeah, that'll knock you out. | ||
| I mean, if you're... | ||
| That's just gross. | ||
| Just sewage stew. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Just floating around in it. | ||
| It's just weird that they decided to make the LA River like that. | ||
| Like, I've never seen anything like that. | ||
| Look at the LA River. | ||
| That's after a big storm. | ||
| That was this year? | ||
| No, that was last year. | ||
| January 19th. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Look at that motherfucker. | ||
| Just all condoms and poop. | ||
| I'm listening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm listening. | |
| And fucking gonorrhea. | ||
| Well, that's what they did with the reservoir. | ||
| They had to drain it because it was filled with shit. | ||
| It was filled with shit and bodies and cars and stuff. | ||
| It's like, ugh. | ||
| Well, they say so many people are on antidepressants and SSRIs and all that jazz that the water supply has a certain amount of it in it because people flush. | ||
| And they flush, and apparently some of the water that we use is actually recycled. | ||
| They take your piss water and they turn it around. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| Nope, but now I do. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know if it's everywhere. | ||
| Drinking pee. | ||
| You're basically drinking recycled piss water. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Mmm. | ||
| Essential. | ||
| Have you ever seen that giant tube? | ||
| It's basically an aqueduct, but it's like a big pipe. | ||
| It's like hundreds of miles long. | ||
| That's how we get our water here. | ||
| I've actually seen it in person. | ||
| Yeah, someone walked it, I think, recently. | ||
| There's a video I saw, but... | ||
| I've seen it in person. | ||
| I think it goes through Tejon Ranch. | ||
| It's an enormous pipe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So what have we learned this Valentine's Day? | ||
| Everything's trash. | ||
| Is today Valentine's Day? | ||
| No, it's Friday. | ||
| Oh, this Friday. | ||
| I think, yeah. | ||
| People are just not supposed to live that stacked on top of each other like that. | ||
| We're supposed to live in small villages in the woods with just enough food. | ||
| I'm down for that. | ||
| I want a tiny home. | ||
| Do you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You want one of them little mobile things? | ||
| Yeah, a little tiny home in the woods. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| With a fire pit out front. | ||
| Could you survive in the woods? | ||
| Probably not, but I have a lesbian friend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Her name's Denise. | ||
| Lesbian friends are good? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The ones with those Patagonia vests? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Every carabiner. | ||
| She's on survival mode 24-7. | ||
| We have earthquake drills every day. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Does she stay in your building? | ||
| She's in the building, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| Yeah, she's my alpha. | ||
| Does she keep food? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Canned, preserved, storage. | ||
| You know you're going deep when you have that fucking preacher food. | ||
| You know that stuff like that Jim Baker was selling? | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Did you ever see that? | ||
| It makes sense, but it's almost like spam, but can live for... | ||
| It's like buckets of this gruel. | ||
| Bucket gruel. | ||
| But in Jim Baker's show, he used it as the base of a table. | ||
| He's like, you could use it underneath your table. | ||
| This is how you could use it. | ||
| Your kitchen table. | ||
| And he's got stacks of this stuff. | ||
| And then they were sitting on it. | ||
| You could use it as a stool. | ||
| So your house is filled with survivor food. | ||
| So in case the shit goes down, it's everywhere in your house. | ||
| You just have to open up one of these buckets. | ||
| Did you ever see that video, Jamie? | ||
| Bucket rule. | ||
| There's a smash cut video of it. | ||
| Right, who made the smash cut? | ||
| Vic Berger did. | ||
| That's right, that's right. | ||
| Yeah, it's Vic Berger's smash cut. | ||
| It's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Because Vic Berger makes a bunch of very funny internet videos as it is. | ||
| But as you're watching Jim Baker, and this is the same Jim Baker from the old days when Jessica Hahn and he had an affair. | ||
| See, all this stuff is the shit he's selling. | ||
| This is stacked. | ||
| Look, he's got it all up the stairs and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's stacks of survival food. | |
| Look at this. | ||
| They got shovels. | ||
| By the way, get a shovel. | ||
| These are foldable shovels. | ||
| It'll go in your backpack. | ||
| Jim Baker, you ain't wearing a fucking backpack. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at these guys. | ||
| They're like, really? | ||
| So he was banging Jessica Hahn, and then Sam Kinison wound up banging Jessica Hahn. | ||
| Oh, look, he's just sitting in there and eating it. | ||
| Look, you can eat it. | ||
| He's like, this is so good. | ||
| He's eating in handfuls. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| He's eating. | ||
| And he's coming out of his mouth into the bucket. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ, Jim. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| He looks weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He doesn't look like the same guy. | ||
| That's Tammy Faye's ex-husband. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| She's dead now. | ||
| Yeah, well, isn't he too? | ||
| She died from Diet Coke. | ||
| Well, I think she had some of that new bulk sampler. | ||
| She died from Diet Coke? | ||
| I think they said she drank like 100 cans of Diet Coke a day, and she got brain cancer. | ||
| Southern people love that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, look at that. | |
| That's what it looks like when it's cooked. | ||
| That will keep you alive, Justin Martindale. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Imagine eating that. | ||
| And you're fucking mixing all that together. | ||
| What's in there? | ||
| Diarrhea. | ||
| That's definitely what's in there. | ||
| Diarrhea and nacho cheese. | ||
| That's like queso from Texas. | ||
| No, how dare you, sir! | ||
| Real cheesy queso. | ||
| I miss Texas queso. | ||
| Yeah, I was just there. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| I was just in Houston. | ||
| So was I. Where you and when? | ||
| Yeah, I was there. | ||
| Two weeks ago. | ||
| I was there two days ago. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I was there Saturday night for the UFC. Friday and Saturday. | ||
| Oh, right, right, right. | ||
| That kick. | ||
| Oh, that was a good kick. | ||
| Which one? | ||
| I don't know their names. | ||
| The girl did that round-off kick to the other one. | ||
| Oh, that was a couple months ago. | ||
| Oh, it was? | ||
| Yeah, that's Valentina Shevchenko. | ||
| I'm trying. | ||
| She fought this weekend. | ||
| I'm going to get called a fag in all the comments now. | ||
| Oh, how dare they? | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| It's the only reason I'm here. | ||
| What is that cheese stuff though? | ||
| You know that cheese that's like watery? | ||
| It's not really cheese. | ||
| What do they call it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Government cheese. | |
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It's like you could squirch it. | ||
| Squirch it? | ||
| Easy cheese? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but it's like... | |
| Oh, Cheez Whiz. | ||
| Is it Cheez Whiz? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what it is? | |
| The one in the tube? | ||
| Yeah, it depends on which company you're buying from. | ||
| I don't think I'm thinking about that, though. | ||
| There's a type of liquidy cheese that people would put on nachos and stuff like that. | ||
| Do you know what I'm talking about? | ||
| I don't, it's nacho cheese. | ||
| I don't fucking, I've never known anything else. | ||
| But it's like liquidy cheese, but that's what that Jim Baker gruel looks like. | ||
| That he was serving up people. | ||
| But that's a big thing with preachers, right? | ||
| They always want to prepare you for the apocalypse with food. | ||
| Yeah, because they're causing it. | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| Well, it's like, I don't want to be a prepper, but I think you probably should have some food at your house. | ||
| You should be ready for a couple of weeks. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You should be ready for a couple of weeks. | ||
| And they have these things where you fill your bathtub up. | ||
| It's like a bladder that you put in your bathtub and then you fill your bathtub up with water so you always have water. | ||
| Because if the shit goes down, if it really lasts for a couple of weeks, you're going to need some water. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's really going to make sense. | ||
| I just have... | ||
| Bags of boxed wine in my fridge. | ||
| That'll help. | ||
| I'm ready to go. | ||
| Listen, people used to live off wine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they used to call it prevent traveler's disease. | ||
| Just kill everything? | ||
| Because if you get water from a lake, right? | ||
| That water's got all kinds of garbage in it, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, if you get water from a lake, you're drinking a bunch of different bacteria and parasites. | ||
| I mean, even if it's a clear lake, you're really not supposed to drink the water unless you're above a certain altitude. | ||
| Like, I was in Alaska, and I was with these guys, and we were hunting, and they told us we could drink this water because above 8,000 feet or whatever, beavers don't live. | ||
| That's what you have to worry about. | ||
| You have to worry about beaver fever. | ||
| Of course they do. | ||
| They call it beaver fever. | ||
| It's Jardia. | ||
| It's a different beaver fever than guys get at clubs. | ||
| It's a different beaver fever. | ||
| Or Denise, yeah. | ||
| Or Denise. | ||
| She gets that beaver fever. | ||
| Always. | ||
| Just to polish up her Patagonia jacket. | ||
| Put on her best patchouli. | ||
| A little bit behind the ears will do ya. | ||
| A little musk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| God. | ||
| Why is it that lesbians have never been able to form a proper neighborhood, but gay guys can do it in almost every town? | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| I feel like gay guys push the lesbians out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think so? | |
| But lesbians are smarter because they'll form their own tribe. | ||
| Yeah, but they never develop like... | ||
| Like Boys Town is legendary, right? | ||
| It's like... | ||
| It is! | ||
| It's a gay... | ||
| Five blocks of gay, right? | ||
| I call it home. | ||
| That's your spot. | ||
| But if you think about it, there's no lesbian equivalent anywhere on earth. | ||
| That I know of. | ||
| Is there a legitimate lesbian community where it's only lesbians and they get together and do lesbian things and wear cowboy hats and cheese strings and shit? | ||
| Yeah, they have their own... | ||
| I mean, that's the thing. | ||
| I feel like guys are more... | ||
| They want to be in charge more, where lesbians can kind of just form their own little side neighborhoods. | ||
| They don't need the credit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But do they? | ||
| No. | ||
| I feel like... | ||
| People would know. | ||
| If they had a legit lesbian neighborhood, like Girlstown... | ||
| People would know. | ||
| But would you want to go to Girlstown? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Guys, I think that's the problem. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| We're going to go to Girlstown. | ||
| Guys go there and they ruin it. | ||
| Like, I'm an ally. | ||
| And they move next door and they just fucking act like... | ||
| Can I help you with your trash? | ||
| The fuck away from me! | ||
| Are you sure you're gay? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| They get that a lot. | ||
| There's a lot of little organizations. | ||
| I have lesbian friends that do a thing called Babes on Bikes. | ||
| Motorcycles? | ||
| Motorcycles, yeah. | ||
| And they go travel. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| And they go hiking and camping and all that stuff. | ||
| Would it be fair to compare lesbians to cats and gay folks to dogs? | ||
| Gay men to dogs? | ||
| No, I'm going to reverse it. | ||
| But dogs like to be in packs. | ||
| I know, but dogs are loyal. | ||
| No, they're not. | ||
| Not sexually. | ||
| Well, I don't know how many dogs you're fucking... | ||
| Dogs will fucking hump your leg, then they'll hump Jamie's leg. | ||
| Oh, that's true. | ||
| Yeah, they'll fuck everything. | ||
| But I feel like cats will just be... | ||
| Cats will just like, ugh, and they'll just get out of here. | ||
| That's true, too. | ||
| Very temperamental. | ||
| Very sociopathic. | ||
| But they don't like to live in like a big pack. | ||
| Like the lesbians. | ||
| Does this make sense? | ||
| That does make sense. | ||
| I think I'm onto something. | ||
| Yeah, I'm gonna lose sleep tonight. | ||
| People always say men are dogs. | ||
| But dogs are loyal. | ||
| They're loyal. | ||
| But men are loyal. | ||
| They're just not that loyal sexually. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But they're loyal to each other. | ||
| Good friends. | ||
| My best friends are all men. | ||
| I mean, I have girl, female friends. | ||
| But if I need some shit, if I need, like, I'm calling Brian Callen. | ||
| Like, I'm calling a male friend, you know? | ||
| There's a difference. | ||
| I think. | ||
| I feel like gay guys are probably dogs and lesbians are wolves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, that's dangerous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Them wolves are circling. | ||
| They eat dogs. | ||
| You've got your alphas and your betas and they all just know their place. | ||
| Wolves eat dogs, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you think lesbians eat gay guys? | ||
| Oh, totally. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| In fact, five are being eaten right now as we speak. | ||
| Viciously. | ||
| Have you ever heard of a lesbian and a gay guy getting together and deciding they're both straight? | ||
| Yeah, they're in the South. | ||
| It's called conversion therapy. | ||
| Does that work? | ||
| No! | ||
| No. | ||
| Has it any worked on anybody? | ||
| I feel like that was in a documentary somewhere where it's like... | ||
| Pray the Gay Away? | ||
| Well, you have like a... | ||
| Yeah, Pray the Gay Away. | ||
| It's like, I met my beautiful wife. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| And she was a lesbian and I was a gay man. | ||
| And then it cuts to him tapping his shoe under a bathroom stall. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's sad shit, man. | ||
| It is weird. | ||
| It's just brainwashing. | ||
| Well, it's just weird because those guys that do it... | ||
| I read an article about this man who went sort of undercover to one of these Pray the Gay Away camps. | ||
| He was talking about this counselor who was literally sitting behind him, like holding him during this ceremony with a boner. | ||
| And the guy had a boner pressed up against his butt. | ||
| You could feel the guy's boner. | ||
| And he's like, what in the fucking Sam Hill? | ||
| Sam Hill. | ||
| I always want to say that. | ||
| What in the Sam Hill? | ||
| Thanks, Sean Elliott. | ||
| What in the Sam Hill? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey! | |
| It's the new porn parody of Tombstone, Tombbone. | ||
| That's some sad shit, though, man. | ||
| It's still a thing. | ||
| Well, it would be just for men that aren't gay to understand what it was like. | ||
| Imagine if there was, like, gay conversion therapy, where people were saying, like, God wants you to be gay, and you've got to stop hooking up with all these ladies. | ||
| And we're going to get together, and we're just going to pray that gay into you. | ||
| We're going to put on some Moulin Rouge soundtrack. | ||
| We're gonna all dress up like Cher. | ||
| Dim the lights. | ||
| Lock the doors. | ||
| And we're going to get this party started. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's a ruthless thing, man. | ||
| It's a weird thing that, for whatever reason, society has... | ||
| It's taken so long, particularly in this country, for people to accept it. | ||
| That this is still up for debate with some people whether or not gay people should be allowed to be married. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Did you see the woman of the... | ||
| God, it went viral. | ||
| It was a lady who... | ||
| Was pro-Pete Buttigieg for president? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| And then she was like, what, he's gay? | ||
| Oh, well, no. | ||
| It's like, wait, what? | ||
| Can you find that? | ||
| Can we play it or will we get in trouble? | ||
| You probably can't play it. | ||
| Why would you get in trouble? | ||
| We get pulled off of YouTube. | ||
| There's copyrights on those so that they own the clip and so they want other people to go to their page to have the clip so we put it on our page. | ||
| We need to pray the copy right away. | ||
| That's what we need to do. | ||
| That's what we need to do. | ||
| Yeah, she was like, what? | ||
| He's what? | ||
| He's gay. | ||
| Give me that fucking vote back. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| I had a woman... | ||
| God, what was this? | ||
| I was doing a gig somewhere out of town, and afterwards we had the meet and greet, and she came up to me, and she's like, I really thought you were really funny. | ||
| And I was like, thank you. | ||
| And she's like, I didn't even care if you were gay. | ||
| I'm like, okay. | ||
| Didn't even care. | ||
| I still laughed. | ||
| My job is done. | ||
| I still laughed. | ||
| I still laughed. | ||
| And that's always how I've been. | ||
| I mean, it's disgusting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you made me laugh through that. | ||
| Well, I don't talk about it. | ||
| It doesn't define who I am. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It shouldn't. | ||
| No. | ||
| I just can't believe that it's still such an issue. | ||
| Unless they're trying to fuck you, what do you care? | ||
| Like, why do you care? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The most interesting thing about Pete Buttigieg... | ||
| Is that... | ||
| It's not that he's gay. | ||
| That's the least interesting thing about him. | ||
| Yeah, he's a very, like, basic... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's just very... | ||
| But it's like, that's what... | ||
| The reason why he's the guy is because he checks a lot of these progressive boxes. | ||
| And he's also got a shitload of people donating to him. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| He's married to him. | ||
| What? | ||
| Are you saying he has a same-sex partner? | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| She looks like a woodchuck. | ||
| She should be concerned about her diabetes. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want anybody like that in the White House. | |
| Yeah, but also like... | ||
| This is what breaks my heart, is this woman's clearly doing her job, and then she has her son with her, and she's like, no, but I'm raising my son to be open-minded, because I'm a Christian as well, and love is love. | ||
| love, and that's what we need more of, is when people cherry-pick the Bible like a Jim Baker, who's like, you know, or even our amazing Christian commander-in-chief. | ||
| Darrell Bock: Why is he saying the Bible to match a Mary-Woman then? | ||
| I told her specifically. | ||
| John Ross: Yeah. | ||
| It's just like, in the Bible, it says this. | ||
| And it's like, well, in the Bible, it says... | ||
| You can always counter... | ||
| Go against what the Bible says from a different verse. | ||
| It doesn't say to eat shrimp or pork or anything like that, but I'll see half these people at a Chili's buffet just going to town. | ||
| Yeah, eating a lot of shellfish. | ||
| Can you imagine if you got all the way up to heaven and God was like, look, I don't care about guys fucking guys. | ||
| All that clams. | ||
| You guys are assholes. | ||
| It says in the fucking Bible, don't eat clams. | ||
| Why'd you eat clams? | ||
| Did you read what I said? | ||
| It was Mardi Gras. | ||
| I couldn't help myself. | ||
| Why are you wearing two different kinds of cloth? | ||
| You don't wear two different kinds of cloth. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's in the fucking Bible. | ||
| And that's the gayest thing, too. | ||
| I did my whole job on Earth, and I got to Heaven, and God was like, girl, two kinds of cloth. | ||
| I'm like, wait, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Back to hell, you go, wait! | ||
| Well, also, the Bible's clearly seen the hand of man. | ||
| I'm sure there was probably some things that people had figured out, whether it's from psychedelic experiences or what have you, that they had – there's some core tenets. | ||
| We should treat each other as if, you know, these are our brothers and sisters. | ||
| Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. | ||
| Don't steal. | ||
| Don't murder. | ||
| All that stuff we can keep together and live in peace. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then people got a hold of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| They got the greasy little mitts on it. | ||
| I think the shellfish and the cloven hoof shit, like with pork, like that is in the Torah or the... | ||
| What a great word, cloven hoof. | ||
| Yeah, well, you're not an animal with a cloven hoof that eats its cud. | ||
| They're like pork. | ||
| You're not supposed to eat pork. | ||
| But that's probably because they had trichinosis. | ||
| But this woman sews. | ||
| She's a witch! | ||
| And what the fuck happened with Noah? | ||
| How did Noah, like, what was he doing up there? | ||
| He was doing drugs. | ||
| In the ark? | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, for sure. | ||
| He was doing drugs? | ||
| Is that what you said? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They were all doing drugs. | ||
| Two of every kind. | ||
| Moses was doing drugs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were all doing drugs. | ||
| I guarantee you. | ||
| I think that's probably the root of most of these religious experiences. | ||
| Those guys found mushrooms. | ||
| They were tripping balls. | ||
| They came back with some really loosely put together commandment that they got from God. | ||
| Like Moses, when he came down from the mountain in Jerusalem, the Jerusalem scholars now believe that the burning bush that talked to God, or talked to Moses, Was the acacia tree, which is a tree that's rich in DMT. So they believe this thing of a burning bush was actually them smoking this plant and having these psychedelic experiences. | ||
| And talking to it. | ||
| And talking to God. | ||
| Word! | ||
| Makes sense, right? | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| What about Job and the whale? | ||
| That's always confused me. | ||
| That's a good one, right? | ||
| Yeah, 40 days in the belly of a whale? | ||
| Maybe Job's full of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How about that? | |
| I would think so. | ||
| Maybe Job was like a beloved guy, and everybody's like, I don't want to believe he's lying to me. | ||
| Jonah was the... | ||
| Oh, it was Jonah. | ||
| Jonah in the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's Job? | |
| What did Job do? | ||
| Job, like, worked. | ||
| He had something to do with working. | ||
| Oh, he's a worker. | ||
| He has his own book. | ||
| It's the book of Job, but... | ||
| See, grew up in the South. | ||
| Didn't pay attention to Bible class. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| And look how I turned out. | ||
| When I lived... | ||
| Large family. | ||
| He had a large family? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Great story. | ||
| And then the woman... | ||
| And then Lot, Lot's wife, when she turned around and turned into salt? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Well, she fucked up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was her fault. | ||
| Well, how about, I mean, listen, how about Adam and Eve? | ||
| How weird is that one? | ||
| And Lilith. | ||
| That dirty bitch wanted to eat that apple. | ||
| She did. | ||
| And, you know, she didn't want to listen. | ||
| Which they said the apple was a pomegranate? | ||
| They said the apple could have been a pomegranate, yeah, because it's the fruit of life because it has so many antioxidants in it. | ||
| There's another theory that the term apple is actually based on the color red, and that it actually represented the Amanita muscaria mushroom, which was the mushroom that they believed Christianity was based on in the first place. | ||
| There's a book called The Sacred Mushroom and the Cross by a guy named John Marco Allegro, who was an ordained minister. | ||
| Yeah, see, that is an original fresco from some France... | ||
| See, there's 13th century fresco depicting Adam and Eve in a tree of knowledge. | ||
| So that's mushrooms. | ||
| And that mushroom is a mushroom called the Amanita muscaria. | ||
| The Amanita muscaria is a really cool-looking mushroom that you can find. | ||
| I found one in Colorado recently. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Colorado? | ||
| Yeah, you find them growing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Are they big like that? | ||
| Yeah, they're pretty. | ||
| Well, those obviously are exaggerated. | ||
| They're tall? | ||
| Those are really tall. | ||
| No, it's the Bible. | ||
| Nothing's exaggerated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop it. | |
| That's really cool. | ||
| I never even thought about that. | ||
| The sacred mushroom of the cross. | ||
| Go to the cover of the sacred mushroom of the cross. | ||
| You can see the image of this mushroom, and you realize, like, oh, that thing looks a lot like Santa Claus. | ||
| It's red and white. | ||
| And there's a lot of weird parallels with Santa Claus. | ||
| The mushroom grows under coniferous trees, like pine trees. | ||
| There's a mycorrhizal relationship with coniferous trees. | ||
| And it grows almost instantaneously. | ||
| And that looks like a pomegranate. | ||
| It does, sure. | ||
| I mean, it looks like an apple, too. | ||
| It does. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that book is a really weird book. | ||
| It's hard to follow. | ||
| It's really complicated. | ||
| But the book is essentially saying, this guy John Marco Allegro, he studied the Dead Sea Scrolls for 14 years and his conclusion, he was one of the people that was on the committee to decipher the Dead Sea Scrolls from Aramaic to English. | ||
| And after 14 years, his conclusion was that the entire Christian religion was a gigantic misunderstanding, and what it really was about was the consumption of psychedelic mushrooms and fertility rituals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Which pagan. | ||
| Take it all back to paganism, which we're not supposed to celebrate, but... | ||
| We are. | ||
| But we are. | ||
| Christmas is a pagan holiday. | ||
| They had to move a bunch of the holidays to coincide with pagan holidays just to get pagan people on board. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what blew my mind? | ||
| Ten years ago was that Zeitgeist video about Christmas and everything and Jesus and everything and I was just like, whoa, I had no idea. | ||
| Check that out. | ||
| If you haven't, that's really good. | ||
| When you stop and think about how long people have been telling the story of Jesus and how weird it's gotten over the years and how many times it's been distorted and twisted and changed and turned from ancient Hebrew, I mean the original Bible, the Old Testament, ancient Hebrew and then they converted it to... | ||
| Latin and Greek and then English and then the New Testament and then... | ||
| It's so hard. | ||
| And then God's going to punish you and bring you to hell if you don't follow these words. | ||
| But they're all so screwy. | ||
| You're supposed to believe in all this nonsense. | ||
| Like people coming back from the dead. | ||
| There's John Marco Allegro. | ||
| So the Dead Sea Scrolls were found in... | ||
| It's a crazy story. | ||
| Because they were found in Qumran, which is in Israel. | ||
| found them in these caves and they were in these clay pots and they were made out of animal skins they were written on animal skins and they actually had to do dna tests on the animal skin so they could line up the pieces with the ones that or from the same animal so they can make this sort of assumption that this all was one piece because a lot of it was all broken up so they had to put it all back together again and try to figure out what it all meant | ||
| and he came up with this one theory that the word christ it comes from an ancient sumerian word which means a mushroom covered in god's semen What? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Not semen. | ||
| It's cum. | ||
| It's a cum shroom? | ||
| The rain was cum. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| The rain was like God's semen, and then these mushrooms would come out of the ground right after the rain, right? | ||
| Because you've seen when it rains, the next day these mushrooms are huge. | ||
| Yeah, they're massive. | ||
| Yeah, well, they eat them, they trip balls, and they think that it's coming from God. | ||
| And so all the stories in the Bible were essentially about them trying to hide these mushroom rituals in allegories and parables and all these different stories, you know, that made sense to them but wouldn't make sense to their conquerors, like the Romans. | ||
| I feel like after a big rainstorm, because those mushrooms pop out of the ground really fast. | ||
| They don't have TV. They don't have Instagram. | ||
| So they're probably like, whoa, these weren't here like two days ago. | ||
| Let's try them out. | ||
| Have you ever talked to Duncan Trussell about when he used to live in Asheville? | ||
| No. | ||
| When he used to live in Asheville, they'd actually spray things on the manure to keep the mushrooms from growing. | ||
| Because so many psilocybin mushrooms grew on the manure out there. | ||
| And they even added things to the cow's diet. | ||
| And they were trying everything to kill these mushrooms. | ||
| Because these college kids, Duncan, Duncan Trussell and his buddies, would go out to the fields and there would be fucking mushrooms everywhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because, you know, Asheville, North Carolina is like a great environment. | ||
| Yeah, humid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Moist and everything's green and lush these cows just fucking lay turds and these mushrooms would grow out of them and they would all these kids would trip balls yeah and Duncan talks with with great fondness of his college days just going out into the fields and finding mushrooms and they would all just trip their fucking balls just sit out in the field and do it overnight like it rains and then the next day you go out in the morning and it's like fucking five pounds of mushrooms just floating around oh Good times. | ||
| Good times. | ||
| That's next. | ||
| That's next for decriminalization. | ||
| Mushrooms? | ||
| Yeah, that's next. | ||
| They're going to make that happen. | ||
| They're going to make it happen. | ||
| It's already decriminalized in Colorado. | ||
| My friend Rashad Evans was here yesterday. | ||
| He was talking about it, I think. | ||
| They've got to pull that off in California as well. | ||
| They have to. | ||
| Just even for microdosing. | ||
| If we could just get everyone to microdose, the world would be so much better. | ||
| I feel like that's the new trend right now. | ||
| I hear that all the time. | ||
| Everyone's just like, I just microdose. | ||
| I've done it a bunch of times. | ||
| I know somebody who microdoses acid. | ||
| I'm like, shit. | ||
| A lot of guys in Silicon Valley do. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| They think it keeps all their negative chatter at bay. | ||
| I had a buddy of mine who was just here the other day in microdosis. | ||
| He says he takes it every three or four days. | ||
| That's his thing. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Mushrooms. | ||
| Like the little capsules? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| The little pills? | ||
| Yeah, they grind it up. | ||
| They grind up the mushrooms, and he'll take one capsule every three or four days, and it keeps... | ||
| He said it just keeps negativity out of his head, keeps him positive, keeps him healthy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| See, that makes sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of fighters are into it now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I feel like that's what they did with weed. | ||
| It's like, I just feel like... | ||
| Especially now in California, I just feel like more people are just kind of chill with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| I just remember, like, I can't even go back to, like, back in the day of, like, I got a joint, let's go smoke it in the car. | ||
| Like, shh, shut up, shut up! | ||
| Hold on, the car's driving by. | ||
| Especially if you were traveling. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Joey Diaz, there's a famous film of, we went to Austin, Texas, and Joey Diaz used to hide the weed under his balls. | ||
| And he's on the Alex Jones show talking about how he hides weed under his balls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| And it's there now? | ||
| It's probably stuck there somewhere. | ||
| He probably forgot about it. | ||
| But that's what he used to do. | ||
| He used to take a little baggie, put his weed in a baggie, zip it up, and tuck it under his balls and his underwear. | ||
| God, that's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, you had to be careful. | ||
| I knew guys that would put it in coffee. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Coffee, and then now you just have a bag of gummies, and you're like, whatever. | ||
| They don't even know what it is. | ||
| I mean, how many people are vapors? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, ah, it's a vape pen. | ||
| Okay, cool. | ||
| They don't check. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| They're just looking for bombs. | ||
| And as it spreads across the country, the legality, I think it's legal, state legal in, what, nine states? | ||
| Something like that, yeah. | ||
| And then medically legal in, like, 18 or something? | ||
| How many? | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| How many states? | ||
| Let's try it. | ||
| Jamie, let's try. | ||
| Siri. | ||
| I think it's, uh, I'm gonna say nine states legal, 18 states medical. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Is that right, Jamie? | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| I think... | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| All those green? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, the dark. | |
| The dark is legal. | ||
| The dark is legal, yeah. | ||
| And all the other ones are what? | ||
| Medical? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So everything's medical? | ||
| Well, Texas isn't. | ||
| I don't think Texas is... | ||
| Oh, what is Texas? | ||
| Get to Texas. | ||
| Go to Texas. | ||
| Texas. | ||
| Texas. | ||
| Get to Texas. | ||
| The light green is nothing. | ||
| Medical. | ||
| CBD oil. | ||
| CBD, yeah. | ||
| Decriminalize. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Well, at least they can get CBD. CBD is the gateway because that shit is so good for you. | ||
| CBD is the gateway. | ||
| That is the gateway. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They have it in everything now. | ||
| Hand cream, eye drops. | ||
| Medical, yes. | ||
| Medical, no. | ||
| Decriminalized, no. | ||
| So the light ones are what? | ||
| Go to light ones. | ||
| Are fully illegal. | ||
| What's Tennessee? | ||
| That's Tennessee. | ||
| I have family in Tennessee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are they? | |
| Fully bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, Tennessee. | ||
| The light ones are fully bullshit. | ||
| We have to sneak around in Tennessee. | ||
| What is up in those green ones up north? | ||
| That's Maine, Vermont. | ||
| What is the squares? | ||
| The squares. | ||
| The light ones down. | ||
| Oh, the yellowish ones, yeah. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Wyoming. | ||
| No medical. | ||
| No decriminalized. | ||
| What is the one next to Wyoming? | ||
| What is that state? | ||
| Right next to... | ||
| Left. | ||
| Left. | ||
| Idaho. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, see? | ||
| That's how they keep people out. | ||
| Because Colorado, man, when they made it legal in Colorado, fucking everybody moved there. | ||
| Yeah, they did. | ||
| Colorado, boom! | ||
| Of course! | ||
| Their real estate jumped tremendously. | ||
| They started making a shitload of money. | ||
| I think Hawaii's got it, like, weird, too. | ||
| This is mixed. | ||
| Yeah, what does it say? | ||
| Medicinal, yes. | ||
| Medicinal. | ||
| Okay, so it's reduced penalty. | ||
| And then Alaska is like free, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Legal, powerful friends in Alaska. | ||
| God, that's crazy. | ||
| It is crazy. | ||
| But look, just what we're looking at there, Massachusetts legal, Maine legal, Vermont legal. | ||
| What is that, Illinois? | ||
| Is New Hampshire still illegal? | ||
| What is New Hampshire? | ||
| Mixed, medicinal, and then reduced. | ||
| They don't really care. | ||
| They're like Austin. | ||
| They're just like, we're in Texas, but we're cool. | ||
| But New Hampshire's weird because that's supposed to be live free. | ||
| They're bumper stickers. | ||
| Live free or die hard? | ||
| No. | ||
| Live free or die trying? | ||
| Live free or die. | ||
| And Florida is what, medical? | ||
| So there's really only a few backwoods states. | ||
| Well, Florida bath salts are fine. | ||
| 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. DC thing is always weird because it's fully legal in DC. And that's not a state or a federal government city, but it's not legal. | ||
| Get that cursor off the states so I can count them. | ||
| 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12. 12 states fully legal. | ||
| 12 are legal. | ||
| So what did you say? | ||
| 9? | ||
| I said 9, I think. | ||
| So 12. That's good. | ||
| That's progressive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| But I feel like it's an election year. | ||
| I'm sure some people are putting it on the ballot to legalize it, maybe? | ||
| Well, there's a picture of Bert Kreischer taking his shirt off in the green room. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
| I've never heard of such a thing. | ||
| But it was the moment that weed became legal in California. | ||
| Bert stripped his shirt off and started running around on stage. | ||
| We were doing an End of the World podcast in the green room, or in the main room, in 2016, when Trump was elected. | ||
| That was a weird night. | ||
| That was a weird night! | ||
| I remember where I was. | ||
| I was at the improv that night. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Because we were supposed to be doing a show, and it was like a... | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You guys were all on stage at that table. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| It was like you, Sarah Tiana. | ||
| It should have been the Bill Burr show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because Bill Burr was on fire. | ||
| He was roasting everybody. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| I remember we were at the improv watching the election happen and all of a sudden everyone was going red, red, red. | ||
| And someone looked at me and was like, are we in trouble? | ||
| I'm like, oh yeah, we're totally fucked. | ||
| Well, people didn't think it was coming. | ||
| They had this idea. | ||
| Well, people have these ideas of what's good and what's not good, what's going to happen and not going to happen, which brings me back to this Mayor Pete guy. | ||
| They came up with that guy because they said, look, here he is. | ||
| He's a young, handsome guy. | ||
| He's gay. | ||
| He's a mayor. | ||
| He speaks well. | ||
| He's served in the military. | ||
| So this will be the guy. | ||
| But he's also backed by all these billionaires. | ||
| It's a fucking shell game. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| He's got a wine cave. | ||
| Leave him alone. | ||
| He's got a wine cave? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Wasn't Elizabeth Warren said something like he had this fundraiser at a wine cave? | ||
| Yeah, it was like all these rich billionaires. | ||
| It was like a cave. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| A wine cellar, but it happened to be a cave. | ||
| Somewhere out here in California. | ||
| They're just trying really hard to keep it from being Bernie. | ||
| Really hard. | ||
| They don't want Bernie Sanders. | ||
| If he gets in there, apparently, you know, he was an independent for so long, and he doesn't want to play ball, and he doesn't accept any money. | ||
| He's just like the cool grandpa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, shit, I love Bernie. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because he, like, you could say, oh, happy Martin Luther King Day. | ||
| But then you look at an old picture of him, and he's marching next to Martin Luther King for civil rights. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| You can't be like, no. | ||
| Like, where were you? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, it's like, I just, I don't know. | ||
| I have hope. | ||
| I have hope for somebody just to... | ||
| I have hope for him socially. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like what he stands for socially. | ||
| But then you look at... | ||
| I don't know if economically it's feasible, because I don't understand economics. | ||
| Like, when people start talking about... | ||
| When he was on here, he was describing that if they just took a very small amount of money from every transaction that they do, like less than one cent from every transaction that Wall Street does, that it would add up to more than enough money to pay for healthcare and a lot of other things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
School. | |
| He was explaining it all. | ||
| And he was explaining it very calmly, and it didn't seem like he was bullshitting. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| I don't think he is a bullshitter. | ||
| I think he's been in the game for years. | ||
| He knows how it works. | ||
| No, he's not a bullshitter. | ||
| He knows how these people with money work, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's such a weird upheaval politically. | ||
| Like, things don't make 100% sense anymore. | ||
| Yeah, I have no... | ||
| I actually had a friend of mine ask me, he says, you know, because we got our voter registration because we vote March 3rd here. | ||
| So they're like, who are you going to pick? | ||
| I'm like, I don't know. | ||
| I mean, we're going to go blue anyways, but it's just like, I honestly... | ||
| Don't know. | ||
| It looks like Bernie Sanders is going to be the nominee. | ||
| It looks like he's winning in New Hampshire. | ||
| Are they saying he won in Iowa or not? | ||
| No, I think Pete did. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| He beat him by 6,000 votes. | ||
| It's so creepy. | ||
| But Pete beat him in a dance-off. | ||
| Oh, did he? | ||
| Did he get down? | ||
| I would love to see Pete just... | ||
| Give him more coin flips. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| How about that fake coin flip? | ||
| They robbed that coin... | ||
| Whoever that is that did that coin flip, put that kid in a jail cell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| Did you see that coin flip? | ||
| No, I want to see the coin flip. | ||
| The coin flip's hilariously rigged. | ||
| Was this in Iowa? | ||
| Yeah, hilariously rigged. | ||
| Watch the coin flip. | ||
| Hold on, do it from the beginning. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Watch how bad this coin flip is. | ||
| Go full screen. | ||
| Go full screen, please. | ||
| And do it from the beginning. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Flips it. | ||
| Catches it. | ||
| Look. | ||
| Pulls it so he can see. | ||
| And then turns it over. | ||
| Hey, fuck you. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Hey, fuck you. | ||
| And no one said anything? | ||
| Oh, they're all happy. | ||
| Yay, it's Mayor Pete. | ||
| Look. | ||
| Yay. | ||
| That's what they wanted. | ||
| They wanted it to be Mayor Pete. | ||
| So this dude rigged this coin flip in front of the whole world. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Pulls it. | ||
| Looks at it. | ||
| Okay, how shall I flip it? | ||
| I'll do it like that. | ||
| Horseshit. | ||
| That's not how you do a coin flip, goddammit. | ||
| At all. | ||
| Iowa learned a coin flip. | ||
| Imagine if you were betting $100 with that guy. | ||
| He said, I'll bet you $100. | ||
| He's like, okay, I'll flip a coin. | ||
| Oh, I win. | ||
| What do you mean you win, you fuck? | ||
| You rigged it. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| What is his jacket? | ||
| What is the patch? | ||
| I'm a cunt. | ||
| It says, I'm a cunt. | ||
| Cunt force. | ||
| A thieving cunt. | ||
| That's a cunt force, yeah. | ||
| Who's really bad at coin flips. | ||
| I love that woman who's like, every mom in Iowa, like, I'm proud of my son. | ||
| How's that old guy watching right next to me? | ||
| Hey, you fuck. | ||
| That's not how you flip a coin. | ||
| What country are you from? | ||
| What kind of nonsense is that? | ||
| That's what we need more of. | ||
| It's just people calling out bullshit. | ||
| Is that how you do it in Greenland? | ||
| Because that's not how you do it in America. | ||
| You don't get to look at the coin and flip it over to the other side, you asshole. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| He looked at it and then turned it. | ||
| Like, manipulated it with his hands. | ||
| Don't do it again. | ||
| Just do it again. | ||
| Here's how you do it. | ||
| Flip that bitch. | ||
| Let it land on the ground. | ||
| Let it land on the fucker. | ||
| Everybody back up. | ||
| That's what they do in football. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| And I know that. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Flip that bitch! | ||
| Imagine if they did that at the fucking NFL. They would beat that guy to death. | ||
| So much money on that too. | ||
| So much money. | ||
| But yet, this literally could change politics. | ||
| Like, one way or the other. | ||
| If Bernie gets it, or if Mayor Pete gets it, the delegates, it could all add up to one guy. | ||
| I mean, it could go down to the wire. | ||
| I mean, that's bullshit. | ||
| Creep. | ||
| The whole thing's bullshit. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| What are the comments? | ||
| Oh, they went off on him. | ||
| Of course they did. | ||
| But this is what they did to Bernie Sanders in 2016. The DNC rigged the primaries then. | ||
| They don't want him. | ||
| And they're doing it now. | ||
| Because he's... | ||
| Because he won't work with them. | ||
| He's not corrupt. | ||
| They want someone who takes that money. | ||
| They don't want Tulsi, and they don't want Bernie. | ||
| They push them out. | ||
| They effectively eliminated them as threats. | ||
| But Bernie's got too much grassroots behind him. | ||
| Say if he gets the nomination, who do you think he'll pick as vice? | ||
| If he picks Tulsi, he'll be smart. | ||
| Two of them together would be a dynamic team. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What if he picked AOC? No, she's too young. | |
| She's only 28. She can't be president. | ||
| She could be vice, no? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| You have to be 36 to be president. | ||
| If he gets shot in the head, then what happens? | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| They probably would. | ||
| I mean, if he caused Wall Street billions of dollars in losses, it could be real ugly for him. | ||
| I don't think they're going to shoot him, but they're definitely poison. | ||
| You have to be 35 to be vice president. | ||
| Yeah, she's too young. | ||
| She's 28? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's why she says things that don't totally make sense sometimes. | ||
| Well, we all do. | ||
| One of the things she said, it's impossible to pull yourself up by your bootstraps in this country. | ||
| By the shoelaces. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I saw that. | ||
| But here's why that's not correct. | ||
| She used to be a waitress. | ||
| Now she's a congresswoman. | ||
| She's literally living proof that you can. | ||
| You can pull yourself up from the bootstraps. | ||
| She just worked hard. | ||
| She worked hard. | ||
| I understand what she's saying. | ||
| She's talking about working families that are really poor and that have multiple jobs and that are struggling and they're never going to be rich. | ||
| They're never going to be wealthy. | ||
| They're never going to be middle class. | ||
| She's right in that regard. | ||
| There's a lot of people that because of their circumstances, because of their responsibilities, they can't take any chances. | ||
| They can't do the things that she did. | ||
| She's young and single. | ||
| She's right in that way. | ||
| But I don't... | ||
| See, I have a twisted relationship with this whole idea of democratic socialism. | ||
| I'm 100% in favor, like me personally, of paying more taxes if I really felt it was going to make an impact for the better of humanity. | ||
| If it was going to improve schools for kids that live in bad neighborhoods. | ||
| If it was going to develop community centers in bad neighborhoods. | ||
| It was going to provide better health care for people. | ||
| I'm all in for that. | ||
| I just don't trust the government, meaning I don't trust the kind of people that you would give that money to, and then they would allocate it however they would – the way they'd like to do. | ||
| I just don't know if they're efficient. | ||
| I don't know if they're reasonable. | ||
| I just – most people that work in government, like I don't know if they have the capability of change on a large scale or if they're already so compromised in so many different ways that it would just be throwing money away. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Did you see the video with... | ||
| I don't know when it came out. | ||
| It's Adam Carolla sat down with Tucker Carlson. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| What did they talk about? | ||
| They talked about California. | ||
| They talked about the homeless epidemic that's here in California and how... | ||
| I'm going to try and... | ||
| Quote about how he says the government just kind of looks a blind eye because we are a city and a state that lives on permits and parking and licenses and, you know, we just want that money, you know? | ||
| So it's like if he says something, you know, Forest Memorial – Forest Lawn Memorial – Like how you look across the way and there's all these, you know, immigrants and whatnot, like selling flowers, you know, but like a woman driving without a license plate, she'll get pulled over and charged, but all these other people. | ||
| It was kind of interesting and I hate saying, I hate being like, oh, Tucker Carlson, but it was just, it was actually a really interesting interview. | ||
| That's probably a good point. | ||
| California would care about the homeless if we could get money from them. | ||
| If we could get money from them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| And on the way over here, too, I was just looking at all these tents, and it's just so fucking sad. | ||
| It's so sad. | ||
| It's really sad, and it keeps growing. | ||
| It keeps growing. | ||
| I live in West Hollywood, and I remember a couple years ago, because it went from downtown, and then downtown pushes them all out, so they keep going west, keep going west. | ||
| Some go to the beach, some go to Santa Monica, but now it's like I live in an area that, you know, Six, seven years ago, it was fine. | ||
| But now it's like even on the way to go get coffee this morning, I walk everywhere I go. | ||
| It's like I saw like three homeless people just outside just screaming at nothing. | ||
| You know, they're in tattered clothes and they're dirty. | ||
| I used to work with a girl. | ||
| Years ago at a restaurant when I waited tables, and she's now homeless, and she's like out of her mind, and I feel bad. | ||
| Was she always out of her mind? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Her name was Lotus. | ||
| She did yoga, and now... | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Did you try to talk to her? | ||
| I did. | ||
| It was like I got to watch the progression of... | ||
| The illness. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So I would see her every now and then. | ||
| I was like, hey, what's going on? | ||
| Because back when the recession happened, we were rating tables, so we bounced from job to job because one day we'd go to work and there'd be chains on the door because they couldn't pay us. | ||
| So we had this little kind of group that we would go apply together at different jobs. | ||
| And then... | ||
| I started seeing her out on the street, just walking around. | ||
| I was like, hey, what's going on? | ||
| Hope you're doing well. | ||
| And she just kind of never let me know how she was really doing. | ||
| And then like a couple of years would go by and I'd see her and I'm like, she looks a little out of it. | ||
| And I would say hi to her and she wouldn't respond. | ||
| And then now it's full on like teeth are missing and running down the street crying. | ||
| And it just breaks my heart because it's like, I don't know what to do. | ||
| And I don't know if she would be willing or... | ||
| How tight were you with her? | ||
| You had her phone number? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I mean, I don't even know she has a phone. | ||
| Right, but did you at one point in time have her phone number? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think so, yeah, yeah. | |
| And it's just that inner guilt, and you're just like, God, how did it get so bad? | ||
| She had an apartment. | ||
| I think her parents passed away, and that might have set her spiraling. | ||
| But yeah, I remember just doing a spot at the Laugh Factory one night and walking outside, and you know how they just keep everyone outside. | ||
| Like, you do. | ||
| And And she just like barreled through everybody just screaming nonsense and like she had like teeth missing and it's just sad it's just really really sad and then I'm at the gym working out and I'll see her like down there you know with her garbage and everything and yeah she doesn't it's just sad it's a lost cause. | ||
| So when you knew her she didn't seem like she had any mental health issues? | ||
| No. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, she would do yoga. | ||
| I mean, I remember her... | ||
| Her name was Lotus? | ||
| Well, her name was Lotus Harmony. | ||
| Which I don't know if that's a real name. | ||
| But at the time... | ||
| That's how I knew her. | ||
| And she was always just this sweet lady, you know, just beautiful skin, beautiful smile, always in a good mood. | ||
| When she got mad, you were like, oh, man, Lotus is pissed, you know, because she was always so friendly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then now you're just like, damn, and I, you know, I just want, I don't know what to do. | ||
| I would love to help her because it just breaks my heart. | ||
| Homeless people break my heart, but female homelessness really, really is sad for me. | ||
| Yeah, because we're sexist. | ||
| I feel the same way. | ||
| You know, it's just like someone's daughter, someone's wife, someone's just out there, you know, vulnerable to the elements and predators, and it's just, it breaks my heart. | ||
| No, it's awful, but I think most of what you're seeing with homeless people is people that are severely mentally ill. | ||
| So you gotta wonder, like, what caused... | ||
| Maybe she was on medication and her insurance ran out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She couldn't... | ||
| Full-on joker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, that's real. | ||
| It is real. | ||
| It's fucking real. | ||
| There's a lot of people out there with giant mental health issues. | ||
| I mean, I... I know several people who, you know, they would have anxiety. | ||
| A guy that I used to date, it's like, you know, we dated for a long ass time, but it's like if he didn't have his anti-anxiety, yeah, like, and he got off that. | ||
| I mean, he would full on have a panic attack, and that would get dirty. | ||
| And I had to witness that, which was... | ||
| Insane. | ||
| Yeah, people that lose it because they're off their medication. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a sad situation because you're always going to be tethered to this thing that keeps you sane. | ||
| Good word, by the way. | ||
| Used it twice today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did I? Yeah. | |
| You said it earlier before we started. | ||
| I think I'll probably use it all today. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just hope it works. | ||
| Tether Tuesday. | ||
| Hashtag Tether Tuesday. | ||
| It's, you know, like what happens to them if the fucking coronavirus hits and they get locked indoors for six months? | ||
| And you just become agoraphobic and lose your shit? | ||
| Well, we were talking about this the other day that most of what this is all happened from the Reagan administration. | ||
| During the Reagan administration, they changed the standards of what it means to be mentally ill, and they just released people from asylums because they didn't want to pay for it all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| And, you know, that... | ||
| Look, if L.A. is... | ||
| L.A. is a city of 20-plus million people, which is as many people in L.A. as I think is in all of Australia. | ||
| So think about that. | ||
| Think about the amount of money and that they can't make asylums here. | ||
| Think about how many abandoned buildings there are. | ||
| How much money would it cost... | ||
| There's currently somewhere in the neighborhood of 70,000 homeless people. | ||
| Yeah, there was some statistic that said there's more empty apartments in this town than homeless people. | ||
| The thing is, though, those folks don't just need a place, because they'll fuck that place up and punch holes in the wall and shit in there and stuff. | ||
| Smear it. | ||
| Yeah, they're crazy. | ||
| What they need is help. | ||
| And they need medication, and they need counseling, and they need... | ||
| I mean, I'm not a mental health expert. | ||
| Some of them you might not be able to do anything to. | ||
| Some are so gone, you might not. | ||
| And also, they get so filled with despair. | ||
| I knew a bunch of guys that were homeless back from my pool hall days. | ||
| There was a bunch of guys that would hang around the pool hall. | ||
| They would even sleep on the floor. | ||
| I knew guys that would try to sleep in people's couches. | ||
| They'd sleep at the bus stops. | ||
| And then they'd come to the pool hall and try to hustle up enough money to get some drugs. | ||
| They were stuck in this place where they could never get past where they were. | ||
| They were just in a rut, and they could never get out of it. | ||
| It's heartbreaking. | ||
| Yeah, despair. | ||
| So much despair. | ||
| Because you're just like, what happened? | ||
| For instance, the other day I'm walking down Santa Monica Boulevard over by Barney's Beanery and I just hear a... | ||
| And I look over and this kid's like had to be 22, 23 years old. | ||
| And I was like, what happened? | ||
| Where are your parents? | ||
| One too many auditions. | ||
| Blew a fuse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just snapped. | ||
| If I hear no one more time! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| I know. | ||
| CIA dropped him and he's just out there ranting and raving. | ||
|
unidentified
|
CIA dropped him. | |
| I'll show you, Hollywood Reporter. | ||
| You motherfuckers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| There are people, though, that you meet in this town, where you meet them early in their journey, and they still have hope. | ||
| Like, it's not worked out yet, but it's gonna. | ||
| I'm gonna make it. | ||
| And then you run into comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, I mean, that's the thing. | ||
| I think it's so relatable in our field as well, because you know those people. | ||
| Yeah, we do know those people. | ||
| I want to say I almost was one of those people. | ||
| Were you? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| When? | ||
|
unidentified
|
When? | |
| What time? | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Give me a time where it was, like... | ||
| 2002? | ||
| And then 2008? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I didn't meet you until when? | ||
| 2007-ish? | ||
| I want to say, yeah, I think I met you at the Ice House when we were podcasting out there. | ||
| And then when you came back to the store... | ||
| That was like 14, 2014. Yeah, that's when I saw you again. | ||
| And even then it was like, you know, I'm making it work. | ||
| And I remember you looked at me and you go, you're the weirdest gay guy I've ever met. | ||
| And I was like, fuck yeah. | ||
| Why did I say that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We were probably all really high. | ||
| Yeah, probably so. | ||
| You probably didn't know what I was saying when I was saying it. | ||
| But I mean, I feel like that's, you know, you get through that struggle and you get through the years of being hungry and the years of like, can I pay my rent this year? | ||
| And you do whatever you can to just scrounge everything up and do it. | ||
| So you had those moments where you're like, this might not work out, I might go crazy. | ||
| Or, what's my other option? | ||
| Move home. | ||
| Or suicide. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, this town's hard. | ||
| It's very hard. | ||
| Well, it's also, you see so many people that are doing well, right? | ||
| Like, it seems so far out of reach. | ||
| Like, when you're broke and you see some guy driving by in a Mercedes convertible, you're like... | ||
| You know, you see these people going to those big high-rises off of La Cienega, you know, dorm in there and everything. | ||
| But no one lives there. | ||
| No one lives there? | ||
| Oh, no one can afford that shit. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I mean, there's maybe like... | ||
| What I've heard is that they build those, and then the Saudis want their kids to come to school here and get an American education, so they just buy them for them, but nobody... | ||
| Have you done any research on this, or is this just... | ||
| I've overheard some things. | ||
| Well, where the real money is is that Wilshire stretch. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And that's always been there. | ||
| The Weeknd just bought some fucking redonkulous penthouse up there. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, you get some crazy-ass view. | ||
| But isn't it weird that that one strip is where all the luxury apartments are? | ||
| Wilshire? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Going west of Wilshire. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like one area around the Santa Monica area. | ||
| Where the fire happened, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That was the Palisades, right? | ||
| No, that was Wilshire and... | ||
| Oh, Brentwood? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They had a fire in the Palisades, too. | ||
| Westwood. | ||
| Westwood? | ||
| There was a fire in the Palisades. | ||
| There was a fire in... | ||
| This whole thing can catch on fire any day now. | ||
| So what turned it around for you? | ||
| What made it feel like it's going to be okay? | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I'm gonna say something, and it's gonna come across really cheesy, but it's real. | ||
| I just believed in myself. | ||
| That's not cheesy. | ||
| I had to be like, you know what? | ||
| I know I've been doing this for so long. | ||
| I know who I am. | ||
| I know what I've got. | ||
| Well, ever since I've seen you, you've been a killer. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| Like, you're really funny. | ||
| Thank you, man. | ||
| Like, I've seen some sets from you in the main room. | ||
| Like, this motherfucker is... | ||
| You're free, you know? | ||
| You're up there, you're free. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like... | ||
| You're loose and unrestrained, you know? | ||
| You're fucking funny. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I didn't see you when you weren't. | ||
| So when I saw you, you were doing well. | ||
| Right. | ||
| From the moment I saw you, when I first met you. | ||
| And a lot of it, I think, was pressure from Mitzi, because I skipped all that. | ||
| I skipped the open mics. | ||
| I skipped all of that. | ||
| I just remember being at my lowest of lows and being like, what do I have to lose? | ||
| And I remember being a kid and being like, you should do stand-up, because I idolized Joan Rivers and Robin Williams. | ||
| And... | ||
| I remember being like, fuck it, let's try it out. | ||
| How old were you when you got on stage? | ||
| Doing stand-up? | ||
| First time. | ||
| It was 2008, yeah. | ||
| That was your first time on stage? | ||
| That was my first time, yeah. | ||
| So you thought about it for a long time before you did it? | ||
| I thought about it for a long time. | ||
| And then, so from 2008 to 2009, October 2008 to June 2009, that's when I had an open mic at the store. | ||
| And I just remember Michael Jackson just died, and I just remember this energy was crazy that night. | ||
| And... | ||
| There was an open mic, there was like 16 comics in the main room, and I was like 14. And I was like, no! | ||
| And then they were like, Justin's going third. | ||
| So we didn't start doing the podcast at the Ice House until 2009. Yeah, it was right after I got passed. | ||
| No, I don't think we started at the Ice House until 2011, now that I'm thinking about it. | ||
| I think we mostly did it at my house for the first year or two. | ||
| Yeah, 2011, that makes sense. | ||
| That's probably when I met you. | ||
| But you were already rolling by then. | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| On stage, you were doing well. | ||
| You were doing well. | ||
| I was doing well, but I didn't know who I was. | ||
| I knew how to make people laugh, but I didn't know the process. | ||
| And so Mitzi was the one who passed me. | ||
| I'm the last guy she passed at the store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And so I just remember being like, what did she say to you? | ||
| She didn't say anything. | ||
| She just pointed. | ||
| She looked at Tommy and said, make him a regular. | ||
| And he was like... | ||
| Like, development spots? | ||
| And she's like, no, he's ready. | ||
| And then I remember being taken away, and they were like, you've just been passed by Mitzi Short. | ||
| Like, it was like a weird, like, Ren Faire wizard thing. | ||
| Like, what has happened to you never happens! | ||
| And then I just remember being like, oh, shit. | ||
| Like, I did my research about the place, and I just remember being like, oh, damn. | ||
| And I'm looking at her right now. | ||
| And just that feeling of, like, I've got... | ||
| To make this happen, I've got to make sure... | ||
| Because she had never... | ||
| I don't even know when the last time she came to the store was, but everyone kind of knew she was ill. | ||
| And I just wanted to be like, God, I hope this wasn't just her having dementia and being like, him! | ||
| Because, you know, like, oh, she's insane. | ||
| She picked that guy. | ||
| Dude, when she passed me, I didn't sleep that night. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I was lying in bed. | ||
| I remember thinking, I can't believe. | ||
| Like, I'm a paid regular at the store. | ||
| I was already on TV. Yeah? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I was already on a TV show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That didn't mean shit to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What meant something to me was like, I was a real comic now. | ||
| It's a stamp of approval. | ||
| The guy had already been paid. | ||
| You know, I'm starting to cry. | ||
| Aw, Joe! | ||
| Get in touch with the emotions. | ||
| It's normal. | ||
| I had already been doing stand-up, like for money. | ||
| I'd done a lot of headlining gigs. | ||
| I did some road gigs, and I did a lot of stuff around New York before I came to LA. And then I was out here in 94, and first she made me a non-paid regular. | ||
| And I'd go on last every night, and I was here every night because I didn't have any friends. | ||
| I was staying at the Oakwood Garden apartments, those pre-furnished apartments. | ||
| And I was on this television show that was terrible. | ||
| And I was just going to the store every night. | ||
| I would work all day during the thing. | ||
| I didn't have any friends. | ||
| And then I would go to the comedy store. | ||
| And that's where I tried to find a home. | ||
| A family. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I got these late night sets. | ||
| And it was always like five people in the audience, six people in the audience. | ||
| And then one night she passed me. | ||
| She passed me. | ||
| I've told this story before, but there was a guy named The Todd. | ||
| And The Todd, he's eventually, he developed some pretty severe brain issue. | ||
| And he went insane. | ||
| And it was really sad because back then, I had seen him before I ever came out here on MTV, on the Half Hour Comedy Hour. | ||
| Oh, uh-huh. | ||
| And he sat down next to Mitzi while I was on stage and laughed his ass off. | ||
| Just, ah! | ||
| Is this the OR or the main room? | ||
| In the OR. In the OR. And then I came off stage and she just goes, okay, you're passed. | ||
| That was it? | ||
| That was it. | ||
| That was my second audition for the first one. | ||
| She made me a non-paid regular and I did that for months. | ||
| And then I became a paid regular. | ||
| But Todd pulled me aside and he said, he goes, I sat there and he goes, you're really funny. | ||
| He goes, but I sat there and I laughed really fucking hard. | ||
| And I told Mitzi, you're really funny. | ||
| And he goes, and you're going to do that for other people someday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's a cool feeling. | ||
| It's a cool feeling to... | ||
| I actually had the moment of seeing her. | ||
| I think it was at the... | ||
| It was a reunion. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| The 40th reunion? | ||
| Something? | ||
| A couple years ago? | ||
| And they had me on the class of 2000s. | ||
| It was like Natasha and some other people were on the lineup. | ||
| Maybe even Duncan. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| And she was sitting in the back. | ||
| They brought her in in her wheelchair and... | ||
| I was like, I have to say hi to her. | ||
| I didn't get to say hi to her. | ||
| I didn't get to meet her the last time. | ||
| She just pointed and took off. | ||
| And I kind of like, I went up to her and I looked in her eyes and I shook her hand and I said, Hi, I'm Justin. | ||
| It's an honor to meet you and I just want to say thank you because you changed my life. | ||
| And she just stared at me and I was like, she doesn't even know. | ||
| And then all of a sudden she just squeezed my hand. | ||
| And that was it. | ||
| That's all I needed. | ||
| So that, to me, was like, oh, she's there. | ||
| She gets it. | ||
| Yeah, you know, she'd have those moments where she'd be in and out. | ||
| But, I mean, that's everything that I've done that's led up to where I'm at now has been for her, too. | ||
| Because I haven't had, other than my mom and my friends back home, I've never had somebody really believe in me like that. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's very special. | ||
| It's very special. | ||
| And just, yeah, to be a part of a family. | ||
| And that's what it was. | ||
| I mean, and that's what helped me getting out of that, like, I'm not good enough and, oh, I'm moving home. | ||
| It's like, oh, wow, I actually have a home now. | ||
| And every time I go there now, I just feel so welcome. | ||
| And, you know, it's nice. | ||
| It's a fraternity. | ||
| It's a sorority. | ||
| It's a university. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, it really is. | ||
| It's hard to describe for people that don't know. | ||
| I was talking to Bill Maher and he was telling me he doesn't go to clubs. | ||
| He's like, I'm not going to the fucking clubs. | ||
| I'm like, why wouldn't you go to the clubs? | ||
| You don't like going to the clubs? | ||
| He's like, I graduated from that. | ||
| I'm a gun with that. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| Graduated. | ||
| I'm like, dude, I'm never leaving. | ||
| If you graduate, at least you have an alma mater, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go back. | |
| Well, it's not even that. | ||
| It's just like, that's the gym. | ||
| Yeah, it is the gym. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you're not done learning. | ||
| Never done. | ||
| Stand-up is never over. | ||
| It's an endless journey. | ||
| And especially if you do new specials, right? | ||
| Because you abandon your material and then you're starting from scratch every few years. | ||
| You're never done. | ||
| You have to be around. | ||
| I don't think there's any other way. | ||
| I've done it different ways. | ||
| There was a time where I was gone from the store where I wasn't doing my best work, and I was doing way more gigs for the UFC. I wasn't working in the clubs as much and my stand-up just wasn't as sharp. | ||
| It just wasn't as good. | ||
| There's no way around it. | ||
| It's like you have to do the work. | ||
| There's no other way. | ||
| And it's also there's something about that environment, that place. | ||
| It's so nurturing. | ||
| It is. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's crazy because it's like I'm now on the road and it's... | ||
| It's my first time actually performing in theaters, which is crazy. | ||
| But I feel like the main room and the OR and all that has been that gym, like you said, where you're just like, okay, I'm ready to do this. | ||
| I remember doing the Grand Ole Opry last year in Nashville, as a kid from the South. | ||
| The Ryman Theater. | ||
| The Ryman. | ||
| And they just were like, all right, get out there. | ||
| And I went out there. | ||
| My mom's in the crowd. | ||
| It was so over. | ||
| I didn't even think about it until afterwards. | ||
| And I just remember walking out there and just being like, holy shit, I'm at the goddamn Grand Ole Opry. | ||
| And I just, let's go. | ||
| Like, this is what you were made for. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| I try to talk to people about what it's like to hang out at the store. | ||
| Like, people that have never been, like, why are you there so often? | ||
| I'm like, man, just come with me one day. | ||
| Just come with me one day when I walk through the building. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty... | ||
| We're so lucky. | ||
| It's magical is really what it is. | ||
| And, you know, it's a place where, you know, there's egos and there's, you know, rivalries, I guess. | ||
| There's a few that I've heard of. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I try not to be part of it. | ||
| A couple of gals don't like each other. | ||
| That's all I know about. | ||
| I know about a couple of gals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know about any dudes. | ||
| Do you know any dude rivalries? | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Do I? Yeah. | ||
| You don't have anybody, right? | ||
| Do you? | ||
| You might? | ||
| We'll have to discuss it. | ||
| We can keep it positive. | ||
| I don't have rivalries. | ||
| I just... | ||
| Here's my thing. | ||
| A couple people are annoying. | ||
| A couple people are annoying and a couple people need to check themselves because there's a lot of, like I just said, ego and bullshit and I just don't have time for that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But for the most part, it's just all hugs. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I will say that. | ||
| If you see somebody, you can just catch up. | ||
| You haven't seen them in months. | ||
| You just hug them, and you just pick up right where you left off. | ||
| It's like an empowering environment. | ||
| It nurtures you. | ||
| You get there, you feel great. | ||
| That's why people come there, even if they don't have a spot. | ||
| Like, there's a lot of comics that are on the road, and they don't even want to do a spot, but they want to come to that back bar and hang out. | ||
| Like, I was just in town, I wanted to hang out. | ||
| Ron White does that shit all the time. | ||
| Oh yeah, Ron White's always there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Always there. | |
| Well, he has a house. | ||
| He has a house in Beverly Hills, so he just gets in his car and says, fuck it up, come on, we'll hang out. | ||
| Yeah, that back bar's great. | ||
| Back bar changed everything. | ||
| You know, it gave us a place. | ||
| It gets infiltrated some days by normies. | ||
| Some days, it's now being infiltrated. | ||
| Normies. | ||
| We need to stop the infiltration. | ||
| Because all of a sudden they'll be there asking questions like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. | ||
| This is not what this is for. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not here for you to grill me on how do you get started and how do you do this and how do you do... | ||
| Hey, hey, hey. | ||
| I'm here with the comedians. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm supposed to hang out with my friends. | ||
| I'm not... | ||
| Oh, I did a spot up in the belly room. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Get out of here! | ||
| Where's your name on the wall? | ||
| Get out of here! | ||
| Well, that's the thing, right? | ||
| Anybody can go up in the belly room if it's one of those weirdo shows. | ||
| We like the weirdo shows. | ||
| Hey, man, that's how people get started. | ||
| I started a show there that got picked up. | ||
| It's coming out next month. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| In March. | ||
| Yeah, it's the show that we got... | ||
| What are you laughing at? | ||
| You're already laughing. | ||
| Because we started it two years ago in the belly room. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's called, well, it was called Stand Up to the Streets. | ||
| Stand Up to the Streets? | ||
| Yeah, it was a dance battle. | ||
| You know how that roast battle? | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| And so we started it two years ago, my friend Justine Marino, and the first day we were supposed to do it, you actually bumped us out of the belly room. | ||
| How did I bump you out? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You were just like, I'm doing it tonight. | ||
| We were like, ah, damn it, Joe wins again. | ||
| Nobody told me about it. | ||
| No, no, of course not. | ||
| Comedy store must have just offered it to me. | ||
| I think they did, but then we did it monthly. | ||
| Every month we went in there and did it, sold out every night, and then this network was like, hey, let's put this on TV, and it's coming out in March. | ||
| What's it on? | ||
| It'll be on the E! Network. | ||
| I was hoping you didn't say Bravo. | ||
| Well, same thing. | ||
| I mean, let's be honest. | ||
| Isn't that where the Keeping Up with the Kardashians are? | ||
| Is that your lead-in? | ||
| No, I don't lead in with that. | ||
| My wife was in the gym the other day watching that. | ||
| I walked in and I go, why? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're smart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're interesting. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| She likes being distracted by nonsense. | ||
| Well, that's it. | ||
| That'll do it for you. | ||
| They fucking know how to do it, too. | ||
| It's like a hypnosis show. | ||
| They have these smash cuts. | ||
| They go quickly from one person to the next, and there's just enough drama. | ||
| They're like, how are they going to resolve this? | ||
| But it's also like mind hypnosis, because you're just watching. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, the other day, I had a salad, and it was really good. | |
| And you're like, why do I care? | ||
| But tell me more about the salad! | ||
| I think I'm getting arthritis, because my wrist hurts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We want to have a Candyland-themed party, but with no candy. | |
| What? | ||
| I want to take them and swap them out on Naked and Afraid. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Take them and just drop them off in the jungle, see how they survive. | ||
| Naked and K-Fraid. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You know, I mean, have them do something really difficult. | ||
| Like change a tire? | ||
| Just fucking anything. | ||
| Hard. | ||
| Their life is... | ||
| I mean, it's really interesting because I made sort of a... | ||
| I don't know what she would say, not an oath, but I decided to stop making fun of Kim Kardashian after she started letting people out of prison. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| I'm like, that's powerful. | ||
| She's real. | ||
| She's really doing something. | ||
| Genuinely good. | ||
| So I'm going to stop mocking her relentlessly. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| She wants to be a lawyer. | ||
| Go for it. | ||
| Well, yeah, she's in law school. | ||
| Is she really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's going to law school. | ||
| Does she go there or does she do it at home? | ||
| Does she have her assistant do it and tell her what the answers are? | ||
| She gets the cliff notes, yeah. | ||
| I think she's actually doing it. | ||
| Her dad was a... | ||
| Robert Kardashian. | ||
| He got the OJ off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or helped. | ||
| He's part of the dream team. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's apparently the one that... | ||
| He owed your hand to the bag of blood, too. | ||
| Bag of bloody clothes? | ||
| You heard it first. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| I don't know if that's true. | ||
| But I don't, you know, and you gotta, I don't know. | ||
| I can't knock. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I know. | ||
| She's doing good. | ||
| I talk shit about him. | ||
| Like, it sucks because I have, like, videos up from, like, years ago. | ||
| And then I went to the, uh, of me just shitting on them. | ||
| And then I went to the People's Choice Awards and I had my friend Trevor Raines do this. | ||
| He designed this amazing country western tuxedo, but it was all their faces crying. | ||
| It was so awesome. | ||
| Check out my Instagram. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| And I sat and this waiter came over to me and he goes, you know they're sitting right next to you, right? | ||
| And I was like, shit! | ||
| I was freaking out. | ||
| And so then they all come over and they're sitting right there and I'm like, ugh! | ||
| Did they look at your jacket? | ||
| Kim looks up at me and she just goes, oh my god, that's amazing. | ||
| And I'm like, ugh! | ||
| And then she's like, Mom, look. | ||
| And then Chris is trying to turn around and she can't. | ||
| And then Chloe's there. | ||
| And then Courtney. | ||
| Courtney loved it. | ||
| And then they start taking pictures of me on their Instagram stories. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, my God. | ||
| And then I got up to go say hello. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Isn't that dope? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's when I worked at E!, Well, they're not all crying, but they all look wonky. | |
| It's wonky, there's crying. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| That's a great pick. | ||
| And then I got up to go say hi to them, and that's when the security guard almost like body slammed me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Look at the one at the bottom. | ||
| You'll get a full one. | ||
| Their security guard? | ||
| They have overzealous security guards? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, after she got kidnapped in Paris. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly! | |
| And then I thought to myself, I'm like, Justin, what the hell are you doing? | ||
| You're six foot four, you can't just walk over like a normal person. | ||
| Sit down, you fucking commenter. | ||
| Know your place. | ||
| Well, not only that, you have pictures of them all over your jacket, so the security guard might think you're fucking insane. | ||
| And by the way, you look insane. | ||
| Look at that face. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| That's just a strong jawline. | ||
| Look. | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| That was, yeah. | ||
| You look like a crazy person. | ||
| You definitely... | ||
| You look good, though. | ||
| Thank you! | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| Yeah, representing. | ||
| For a ridiculous jacket and everything like that? | ||
| I mean, I wanted it. | ||
| You look clothed. | ||
| It was stupid. | ||
| I wanted it to be stupid and fun and campy and... | ||
| So what were you doing there? | ||
| What were you there for? | ||
| I was there at the People's Choice Awards because I used to host a show on E! called What the Fashion. | ||
| What the Fashion. | ||
| It was like the millennial version of Fashion Police. | ||
| What is it like working at E! now? | ||
| Well, I don't work there anymore. | ||
| Well, it wasn't that long ago. | ||
| It seems like an incredibly frivolous pursuit. | ||
| Well, I didn't really get... | ||
| I worked there for two years, so I built this show up from the ground up called What the Fashion, and then... | ||
| Oh, shit, we're doing an exclusive, aren't we? | ||
| Are we? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are we? | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And it was for Snapchat Discover, and it was awesome, and it was a great platform. | ||
| So it started on Snapchat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're one of those guys. | ||
| One of those guys. | ||
| Who knew? | ||
| And then, you know, I used to write for Joan on Fashion Police a couple times. | ||
| Do you have a YouTube channel? | ||
| No. | ||
| You should. | ||
| Do I? Fuck yeah. | ||
| Is that still a thing? | ||
| Dude. | ||
| I'm starting a podcast. | ||
| Oh, you are? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, you definitely should have one of those. | ||
| I'm going to do it, yeah. | ||
| But why don't you have a YouTube channel? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a great way to just put up content. | ||
| Yeah, I'll take the note and do it. | ||
| Well, I'm going to. | ||
| Dude, you'd be giant. | ||
| Well, What the Fashion has a YouTube channel, so it's all up there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck them. | |
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck them. | |
| But I got out of there in December, but I left just because I didn't get to really do all the fun stuff. | ||
| What's the fun stuff? | ||
| Well, you know, like red carpet and go to the events and stuff, and I was just locked in. | ||
| Dude, if you have a popular YouTube channel, you can do that. | ||
| And, bonus, no boss. | ||
| Yeah, no boss. | ||
| That's what I had to learn. | ||
| I had to learn to be my own boss at the end of the year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's this. | |
| That's right here. | ||
| You're on a show with no boss. | ||
| Wait, you don't have a boss? | ||
| No boss. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're a boss-ass bitch, aren't you? | ||
| Boss-ass bitch. | ||
| I know. | ||
| So that's what I'm learning this year, is to be my own boss. | ||
| Yes, you can do it. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I just try to encourage as many comedians as possible to do it. | ||
| It's like you can put up content of your own. | ||
| You can do anything on your own. | ||
| I mean, so many people, like Tim Dillon, perfect example. | ||
| Oh, by the way, have you seen these? | ||
| I just got this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exclusively. | |
| The I Love Daddy. | ||
| Tim Dillon shirt. | ||
| Oh, is that him in drag? | ||
| It's him as Meghan McCain. | ||
| Oh, I got blocked by her. | ||
| You did too? | ||
| On Twitter, yeah. | ||
| So did Tim Dillon. | ||
| Of course he did. | ||
| Why did you get blocked by her? | ||
| I just said something on Twitter. | ||
| It was just kind of like... | ||
| What'd you say? | ||
| I don't remember, but I told her to fucking calm down, and now she's like... | ||
| My father, my father, my father, my father. | ||
| And now she's like, I love gay people. | ||
| And I'm like, okay, bitch. | ||
| Um... | ||
| But yeah, that's a good stamp of approval, too. | ||
| Getting passed by Mitzi, getting blocked by Meghan McCain. | ||
| Well, she blocked Tim Dillon, and he was very excited about it. | ||
| It's kind of an epic thing. | ||
| I got blocked by Chloe Grace Moretz. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| She's an actress. | ||
| Why'd she block you? | ||
| Because I yelled at her in a movie theater. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| She was on her phone. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was watching The Purge, so I was in the moment. | ||
| She was talking on the phone in a fucking movie theater? | ||
| No, she was on it. | ||
| She was checking Instagram, full brightness, just... | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she was sitting in the front. | ||
| And I was livid. | ||
| I've talked about this several times and I'm still fucking triggered. | ||
| How did she know that it was you? | ||
| She didn't know it was me because it was dark. | ||
| And I went over and screamed at her and told her to get off her fucking phone. | ||
| Then I turned around the audience and started clapping because everyone was pissed off. | ||
| So I was a movie hero. | ||
| And then as I went out, someone was like, that's the girl you were yelling at. | ||
| And paparazzi were all around her. | ||
| And I was like, oh, I'm taking this to... | ||
| I'm going to tweet! | ||
| And I started tweeting at her, saying, hey, bitch, get off your phone in the movie theater, especially if you're an actress and we're paying money to see you doing movies, you know? | ||
| And then she blocked me. | ||
| So then I wasn't done yet. | ||
| I tweeted her boyfriend at the time's mom, who happens to be Victoria Beckham, Posh Spice, and was like, hey, your son's dating an asshole. | ||
| You know who didn't block me? | ||
| Victoria Beckham. | ||
| She probably didn't like her either. | ||
| I bet she didn't. | ||
| Fucking her son. | ||
| She's probably angry. | ||
| That dirty bitch. | ||
| Getting her bad breath over my son's dick. | ||
| God! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus! | |
| Wait, I just got a notification. | ||
| She just blocked you on Twitter. | ||
| You made it! | ||
| Good, I don't check. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| You can block me all day on Twitter. | ||
| I will never notice. | ||
| Who's the most famous person who's ever blocked you? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| You don't know? | ||
| You don't care. | ||
| I stopped reading Twitter mentions and all that stuff a long time ago. | ||
| I need to get better at that. | ||
| I don't read shit. | ||
| I'm gonna do it, though. | ||
| I'm gonna read these comments. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because it kinda gets me hard. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| I think the whole premise of comments is fascinating to me. | ||
| How someone takes time out of their day to just, this motherfucker! | ||
| It just blows my mind. | ||
| It's funny because sometimes they're very supportive. | ||
| Like, once I left the show, you know, people are coming and tagging me and stuff and being like, we want Justin back. | ||
| Where's Justin? | ||
| The show's not the same. | ||
| And I'm just kind of like, well, it ran its course. | ||
| You know, I did my thing and I'm moving on. | ||
| But it's just so funny how some people are just like, you know, I did, what's it called? | ||
| Lights Out with David Spade the other day. | ||
| And it was like... | ||
| Get this faggot off your show! | ||
| And I'm like, shit! | ||
| How rude. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But it makes me laugh because I'm like, well, who's on the show? | ||
| Me, not you. | ||
| So, who's the faggot now? | ||
| I don't think that changes. | ||
| I don't think that changes. | ||
| People say things all day long. | ||
| It doesn't change who you are. | ||
| I don't think it changes. | ||
| I think what the real problem is that people have access to your emotions. | ||
| If it doesn't fuck with you... | ||
| Then I don't, you know, if you're one of those people. | ||
| But for most people, it fucks with them. | ||
| Like, Bert Kreischer said it best. | ||
| He goes, I was looking at Twitter the other day, and he goes, and then I was thinking, why am I risking the fact that something might fuck with my head or hurt my feelings? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then I get off of it. | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| I was like, that's a good point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because that's kind of what it is. | ||
| Well, we live in toxic times, you know? | ||
| It's not a good way to talk. | ||
| No. | ||
| Because if someone's in front of you, you would rarely be that mean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| It would... | ||
| It would take a lot for someone to be that mean in front of you. | ||
| But on Twitter, there's no real connection. | ||
| Plus, they don't like the fact that you are the guy who's on TV and they're not. | ||
| That's a big thing. | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| Why are you on there, not me? | ||
| And people have this weird idea about people who are doing well, that if they're doing well, you're allowed to shit on them. | ||
| You know, like... | ||
| I fucking saw something where someone was talking about Kobe Bryant's wife, and they said, with all her money, she'll be fine. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Can you imagine thinking like that? | ||
| Like, your emotions are attached to the fact that you have money. | ||
| So numb. | ||
| You're fine. | ||
| You're fine. | ||
| You have money. | ||
| Your fucking daughter and your husband died in a fiery helicopter crash. | ||
| And these people, this one person was like, with all her money, she's fine. | ||
| Just some shallow, broke bitch. | ||
| She doesn't have emotions. | ||
| She'll move on. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| She's got three other daughters. | ||
| But it's also this thing where they feel like they're allowed to do that because you are really successful. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then with you, it's like you're on TV, they're not, so they're allowed to just shit all over you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's a way that they can do it through Instagram comments or Twitter comments. | ||
| Hiding. | ||
| Yeah, hiding. | ||
| Or an anonymous, what's it called, the little... | ||
| Direct message? | ||
| No, when there's not a picture, when it's just the eggshell or whatever, and you can create fake accounts, and you can create multiple accounts. | ||
| It's just some people just have too much time on their damn hands. | ||
| It's sad, and that's just fucked up when people just think... | ||
| Well, there's so many voices now. | ||
| People, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, they just feel like it's a free shot. | ||
| Look, I would have felt the same way if I was 15. If you gave me a fucking Twitter account when I was 15 and I was frustrated at the world, I would have said the meanest shit to everyone and anyone I could have gotten a hold of. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I would have said the meanest shit. | ||
| You know, I feel terrible for kids today. | ||
| I do, too. | ||
| That their growth and their development is going to, you know, it's going to be permanent record. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a really good ad for, oh God, what was it for? | ||
| It was a cell phone ad and it talks to a mother, it talks to three generations of people and they talk, you know, the grandpa, what was it like when you were a kid? | ||
| He's like, oh, I went outside, we caught fish. | ||
| I remember getting chased by a bear and throwing a fish down just so, you know, and then I ran out of fish because the bear kept eating them, but I got away. | ||
| And then he talked to the daughter and she was like, oh, we built forts when we were kids. | ||
| And then it talks to the kids. | ||
| It's like, what's your best thing about being a kid? | ||
| It's like, oh, I play video games. | ||
| And I check emails, and it's like... | ||
| And they show the videos to the grandparents and the parents, and they're just like, oh, this sucks! | ||
| Well, a friend of mine works at Disneyland, and he said they're having a really hard time recruiting young people that know how to communicate. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| They don't know how to communicate with people. | ||
| They're stunted because they spend so much time tweeting to each other and text messaging each other that talking to strangers, they haven't developed these common courtesy skills and just the ability to talk to people and actually be curious and that they have to tell them, put your fucking phone down. | ||
| They're on their phone. | ||
| They check their phone like every 5-10 minutes. | ||
| They're just addicted to checking their phone. | ||
| And they're addicted to this weird little dopamine rush that you get from looking at your mentions. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Did someone talk about it? | ||
| You know what's really fucking weird? | ||
| Is that there's a new way that younger people are getting in touch with each other. | ||
| Is that they will take a picture of themselves. | ||
| And then they'll put a text like, what's up? | ||
| And then someone will text back with the picture. | ||
| Not much, you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| So, yeah. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| So they'll actually just... | ||
| So it's like, say if you and I were talking on the phone, it's like, I'll take a selfie. | ||
| I'll be like, hey, what's up? | ||
| And send it to you. | ||
| So it's not just a text. | ||
| It's a text with a photo. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's a face photo with a message, like a Snapchat or an Instagram. | ||
| Like, what's going on? | ||
| Do you have friends that they send you or they rather call you FaceTime just out of the blue? | ||
| Yes, and I don't answer them. | ||
| I hate that. | ||
| That's a new thing. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| A lot of people are doing that. | ||
| You know what's even weirder is looking at somebody... | ||
| Crossing the street or something. | ||
| And they're just like, yeah, so I don't know. | ||
| My favorite is I have a friend of mine who's my neighbor as well. | ||
| And he was FaceTiming on Instagram promoting his brother's... | ||
| His brother has a... | ||
| Not a club, but it's like a social experience. | ||
| He's trying to promote it or whatever. | ||
| And he was like, yeah, go check this out. | ||
| And this guy on a skateboard goes right by him. | ||
| And he's like... | ||
| And he was like, okay, that happened. | ||
| And not all heroes wear capes, you know? | ||
| Get off the phone, fuckface. | ||
| And I hate people who FaceTime on planes and in airports. | ||
| Yeah, that's weird, right? | ||
| It's loud, and you're talking to the other person loudly. | ||
| Put your headphones on, you savage. | ||
| You fucking animal. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| Yeah, it blows my mind. | ||
| But the FaceTime thing, it seems like it's within the last year or two, guys started just FaceTiming me out of nowhere. | ||
| FaceTiming you? | ||
| Yes, my friends. | ||
| No. | ||
| And you answer it? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| I like them. | ||
| How do you feel? | ||
| A lot of rappers. | ||
| Rappers love to FaceTime. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, they love it. | ||
| They like FaceTiming. | ||
| Just want to see where you're at. | ||
| I just think it's just a more fun way of doing it or something. | ||
| Have you done a group FaceTime? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Stop it! | ||
| It's happened in a group text. | ||
| You can accidentally hit make this a FaceTime call and it will call everyone in the group text. | ||
| I would walk into the ocean. | ||
| When everyone answers, it's kind of interesting because everyone's like, well, what the fuck? | ||
| You see what seven people are all doing at once. | ||
| It must be an emergency. | ||
| Well, you would have to have an iPhone Max for that. | ||
| Yeah, they're the newer ones. | ||
| The big ones. | ||
| You want the big one. | ||
| You want the small phone for that. | ||
| I switched over to the small phone so I look at it less. | ||
| That's how stupid I am. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| I'm like, if I have a small phone, I'll look at it less. | ||
| The new Samsung S20. The little flip? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Well, they announced that during the Super Bowl. | ||
| They announced a new one today. | ||
| It's got a 7-inch screen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| By default. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| It's like 7.1 inches, I think they said. | ||
| What is the Note? | ||
| It's a 100-megapixel camera. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| God! | ||
| In a hundred times, 108 megapixel maybe. | ||
| What are we going to see each other's pores now? | ||
| Is that what we're going to have? | ||
| It's got a hundred times zoom on it too. | ||
| I want to see the eyelash lice that you're carrying. | ||
| It's a crazy phone. | ||
| Samsung is always raising the... | ||
| I mean, they have to keep up. | ||
| In order to jump people off of the Apple tit, they have to make sure that they really provide something exceptional. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You know, I'm so glad that guy was barking about the Apple keyboards the other day. | ||
| I was typing last night on my Lenovo ThinkPad, which is my preferred method of writing. | ||
| It's so much better, because I have a MacBook, the new one, too. | ||
| They're like, oh, we fixed the keyboard. | ||
| No, you didn't. | ||
| You didn't really fix it. | ||
| You didn't fix it for a writer. | ||
| I can write on it. | ||
| I have written on it. | ||
| What, do you have a pen and it just kind of... | ||
| No, you write with the keyboard. | ||
| Oh, gotcha. | ||
| But the keyboard blows. | ||
| It just sucks. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| The keyboard in Lenovo is, like, effortless. | ||
| It's so much better. | ||
| There's a little push to it. | ||
| The little keys have, like, a little C shape to them, so it's a little dimple where your finger fits in perfectly. | ||
| Some finger dimples? | ||
| Yes, and you just gently caress the keys and they touch... | ||
| How's his name? | ||
| Taika Waititi? | ||
| Waititi? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Savage. | |
| I love him. | ||
| What does he do? | ||
| He was the director of Jojo Rabbit. | ||
| He just won an Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay. | ||
| I heard Jojo Rabbit's hilarious. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I haven't seen it. | |
| He's just a cool guy. | ||
| He's the first indigenous person to win an Oscar. | ||
| Where's he from? | ||
| I think Australia. | ||
| Oh, good for him. | ||
| He's right, though, about those shitty fucking keyboards. | ||
| Jamie sent it to me immediately. | ||
| And I was like, yes! | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Did you say yes? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| It's the writer's guild to take it up with the fucking Apple because it's causing people pain. | ||
| How much he hates the Apple keyboard. | ||
| Well, I don't think it's really causing people pain. | ||
| He's joking a little bit. | ||
| He's joking a little bit, but... | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| The fucking Lenovo's are so much better. | ||
| Lenovo ThinkPads. | ||
| Wait, I want a Lenovo ThinkPad. | ||
| What does it look like? | ||
| I'll show you. | ||
| ThinkPad. | ||
| Get to the ThinkPad X1 Carbon. | ||
| That's what I have. | ||
| It is the shit. | ||
| It weighs nothing. | ||
| It weighs nothing. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| It folds completely flat. | ||
| It's so superior. | ||
| The thing is that it's just like if you're caught in the Apple ecosystem. | ||
| And by the way, Windows 10 is not bad. | ||
| It's excellent. | ||
| It's never crashed on me. | ||
| I've had three different ThinkPads now for the last three years. | ||
| And they haven't crashed on me once. | ||
| Yeah, that looks sharp. | ||
| It's fucking so... | ||
| Those keys are magical, man. | ||
| Your fingers just glide over those keys. | ||
| You make so many less mistakes. | ||
| So many less? | ||
| So few. | ||
| You make much fewer mistakes. | ||
| Much fewer mistakes. | ||
| Look at all the stars it has. | ||
| 4.6 stars, you fucking twats. | ||
| Get your shit together, Apple. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And by the way, you can also get it in a touchscreen. | ||
| What? | ||
| I need to get one of these. | ||
| It's a superior laptop. | ||
| If you write, if you like, for me, I like to come home from the store, I spark a join up, Everyone in my house is asleep. | ||
| All my kids are asleep. | ||
| My wife's asleep. | ||
| That's when I get my writing done at night. | ||
| And that thing is a breeze, man. | ||
| My fingers just glide over those keys. | ||
| And I brought my MacBook on the road, and I was writing on that. | ||
| I'm like, this is dog shit. | ||
| That's so interesting. | ||
| I can't write on my... | ||
| How come? | ||
| Because it's just too hard. | ||
| And then I find myself writing on my phone, but I want something, like you said, sleeker, softer. | ||
| Spark a joint. | ||
| Put on some Sade. | ||
| Smooth operator. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| What happened to her? | ||
| She's around. | ||
| She's like the McRib. | ||
| Every now and then she'll come back. | ||
| I think sometimes people just get tired of all the fucking lights. | ||
| All the attention, the bullshit. | ||
| I do that, man. | ||
| I love to just chill out. | ||
| Everyone thinks I'm always just like party animal. | ||
| I'm like, no, I'll wake up and be like, Alexa, put on some 1930s jazz. | ||
| Alexa will do that? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| 1930s jazz. | ||
| Very specific. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Will Siri do that? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Will Siri do that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 1930s jazz. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's got to be a playlist out there somewhere. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey, Siri, play some 1930s jazz. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Here's some 1930s jazz. | ||
| Worship the devil. | ||
| Oh, my God, Siri. | ||
| That's not... | ||
| That's not... | ||
| No. | ||
| That's what Tom Hanks' son listens to. | ||
| Is that 1930s jazz? | ||
| No, definitely not. | ||
| That's definitely some steel drum. | ||
| Hey Siri, you don't know what the fuck 1930s jazz is, do you? | ||
| Oh, she's fucking with me. | ||
| But it does work. | ||
| Hey Siri, play some John Coltrane. | ||
| If it's the same song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There you go. | ||
| That's 1930s jazz. | ||
| That's legit. | ||
| That's legit. | ||
| Put my dimmer down, light an incense. | ||
| Oh, it's the best. | ||
| Light that lighter, get that spoon out, prepare the heroin. | ||
| Black tar. | ||
| Only the best. | ||
| Is that the best? | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| Have you ever tried heroin? | ||
| No! | ||
| I don't know why I yelled at you. | ||
| God! | ||
| No, I have not tried heroin. | ||
| Have you tried cocaine? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I have. | ||
| Getting coked up? | ||
| Am I? Coked up? | ||
| Right around? | ||
| I can't do it anymore. | ||
| Because you don't know what that shit's cut with anymore. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I saw some video and they're like, do it one more time and it'll kill you. | ||
| I'm like, nope. | ||
| Fentanyl. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I had a guy in here. | ||
| What was the guy's name? | ||
| Was it Ben Westhoff? | ||
| The writer who wrote that book on fentanyl. | ||
| He used to be a... | ||
| He was a journalist. | ||
| He used to write for LA Weekly. | ||
| Fentanyl, Inc. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Fentanyl, Inc. | ||
| And he said they were reviewing all these raves where people were dying. | ||
| They're dying from MDMA. It didn't make any sense. | ||
| So they did some tests. | ||
| They found it's not really MDMA they're dying from. | ||
| It's MDMA cut with fentanyl. | ||
| And plus they're not hydrating themselves because you sweat. | ||
| Because those people will just rave until their heart explodes. | ||
| There's probably some of that too. | ||
| There's probably a few of those. | ||
| But a lot of it is just overdoses of fentanyl because they're cutting it. | ||
| I don't trust drugs anymore. | ||
| That's why drugs should be legal. | ||
| One of the Mayor Pete things, he had this weird conversation with one of the journalists where he was talking about decriminalizing drugs, and the guy was like, so you would say heroin would be legal? | ||
| And he goes, no, it wouldn't be legal. | ||
| He goes, well, that's what decriminalizing is. | ||
| There's this weird conversation where they're... | ||
| I'm trying to work out the legal logistics of what's decriminalized and what's not. | ||
| But it sounds totally counterproductive that if you wanted to have a healthy, happy society, you'd make cocaine and heroin legal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But the problem is, if it's not legal, then people are going to get it anyway, and they're going to get it from the fucking cartels, and they're going to get it, and it's going to be spiked. | ||
| I don't want anybody to do heroin. | ||
| I don't want anybody to do coke. | ||
| I don't want anybody to do any of those drugs. | ||
| The only way you're going to give them pure versions of that drug is to make sure that it's actually from a reputable source. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Reputable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why did I say reputable? | ||
| That's a weird way of saying it, right? | ||
| Tomato, tomato. | ||
| No. | ||
| Reputable? | ||
| I've done ice. | ||
| Who says reputable? | ||
| That was weird. | ||
| People that say nuclear. | ||
| Nuclear? | ||
| Nuclear. | ||
| Is it nuclear? | ||
| Nuclear. | ||
| I've done ice. | ||
| That was one thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is ice? | |
| I think it's meth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Meth? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| How was that? | ||
| Good times? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Awful! | |
| How long did you stay awake? | ||
| Oh, all night. | ||
| Shit, I think I was 22, and a friend of mine at the time, I guess, was like, hey, we're going to smoke this out of a light bulb. | ||
| I'm like, fuck, yeah! | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| How do you smoke it out of a light bulb? | ||
| It's like the end of it was cut off and you just light it underneath. | ||
| How would one cut a light bulb? | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| Oh man, I did that and I just remember going to a bar and just talking the fucking bartender's ear off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just... | |
| Just non-stop. | ||
| I remember going home and then I remember it being like 3 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| I'm like, you know what sounds good? | ||
| I'm going to move all my furniture around. | ||
| It was just... | ||
| Like my neighbors were probably like, you fucking asshole! | ||
| And then I remember going to bed finally at like 6 o'clock in the morning and it was the worst feeling I've ever experienced in my life. | ||
| Like my body just felt broken. | ||
| Rotted. | ||
| Rotted. | ||
| Yeah, just corroded. | ||
| Well, that energy's coming out of somewhere. | ||
| Well, because once you do it, you're addicted. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was like right when it ended is when my body was like, you need more, you're going through withdrawals. | ||
| Really? | ||
| One time? | ||
| One time. | ||
| It's all it takes. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| And then I literally sat in my room and just... | ||
| Shook it all out and sweated. | ||
| And I remember making a vow to myself. | ||
| I was like, I am never doing this again. | ||
| And then finally, it was like, someone asked me, they were like, have you ever... | ||
| I was like, yeah, I've never done meth. | ||
| I mean, I've done ice. | ||
| And they're like, that's what that is, you dumb fuck. | ||
| And I was like, oh man! | ||
| I mean, it was not, not pleasant. | ||
| And you see how quickly people can become addicted to that stuff. | ||
| One time you're addicted. | ||
| All it takes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So at the end of it, you're like, oh my god, I'm so wrecked. | ||
| I just need a little to get me over. | ||
| And the next thing you know, you're doing a little all the time. | ||
| That's the same shit with Adderall, by the way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what Adderall is. | ||
| It's just a very slow release. | ||
| I think that's what Xanax is. | ||
| I think that's what Vicodin is. | ||
| You don't think so? | ||
| Well, those are different kinds of drugs. | ||
| They're not amphetamines. | ||
| Well, right. | ||
| The amphetamines are a real issue for people that seek productivity. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| That's why you're trying to clean your house and organize and stuff. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, man. | ||
| That was brutal. | ||
| That's what happens with Housewives. | ||
| The real housewives? | ||
| No, real ones. | ||
| Actual housewives. | ||
| Actual housewives. | ||
| They want to organize. | ||
| LA housewives, they take a fucking Adderall. | ||
| Put it in a smoothie? | ||
| Putting all their books on the shelves in alphabetical order and that kind of shit. | ||
| Just listen to a podcast. | ||
| Calm down. | ||
| No. | ||
| Just put your podcast on. | ||
| Do both. | ||
| Both at the same time. | ||
| With a butt plug in. | ||
| They want to multitask. | ||
| So specific. | ||
| Yeah, they want to multitask. | ||
| Get the old butt wrecker. | ||
| That's a good brand. | ||
| A buddy of mine who used to date a girl that liked to do speed, he said they're the best girls to have anal sex with because they never eat, so they never shit. | ||
| And I was like, I didn't need you to know that. | ||
| And that is honesty. | ||
| She never eats. | ||
| There's nothing going on down there. | ||
| Because there's nothing worse than getting an oil slick. | ||
| That's not fun. | ||
| I mean, that's when it's over. | ||
| There's no coming back from that. | ||
| Some people can come back from that. | ||
| Some people on ice. | ||
| I like the smell you do. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| Who's my dipstick? | ||
| You have to plan that, right? | ||
| You do. | ||
| You have to do it correctly. | ||
| You have to time your food intake and make sure you don't drink too much coffee. | ||
| It's a lot going on there. | ||
| It's a lot going on, but if you find the one, you can do it right. | ||
| The one. | ||
| That's the one area where the good Lord has done a disservice to gay folks. | ||
| They haven't given them a lot of options. | ||
| Uh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, I don't. | ||
| It's good not to. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I don't trust my butt, honestly. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| You shouldn't. | ||
| It's like, I don't trust my butt. | ||
| I do not trust my butt. | ||
| I don't want anything in there. | ||
| Good move. | ||
| I feel like there's an octopus beak that comes out and it'll just snap. | ||
| I feel like it's the Sarlacc pit that Boba Fett fell into in Star Wars. | ||
| I don't trust my butt. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| If you try to put anything in there, I'm just like... | ||
| Yikes! | ||
| Clamp. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Just do a lot of squats. | ||
| That way nobody would want to. | ||
| It's just too tight. | ||
| Dead lifts. | ||
| But that's kind of hot, though. | ||
| Big legs are hot. | ||
| Yeah, but not too big. | ||
| Like, if your butt is so tight that, like, literally it clamps down. | ||
| You know, like, people get sleep apnea, like football players do, because their neck is so big, it, like, cuts off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's awful. | |
| It cuts off the air pipe. | ||
| That's real? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's so much muscle in their neck that when they lay back, like, they choke to death. | ||
| Like, football players would choke to death falling asleep from sleep apnea, just from giant necks. | ||
| You can do that with your butthole. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| But then dudes with little dicks would seek you out. | ||
| Like, aha. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Behold. | |
| I found a place where it can be tough. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| There's nothing worse than a small dick. | ||
| Nothing worse? | ||
| Well, yeah, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
But is that... | |
| That's a weird thing if you... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So, like, gay guys, even though... | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| You don't want it in your butt, you still want a big one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right. | ||
| I mean, I get it, but I don't get it. | ||
| I do get it. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Genetics. | ||
| Do you want small tits? | ||
| I don't mind. | ||
| See, I don't mind either, but I think a lot of people in the... | ||
| I mean, wait, hold on. | ||
| The straight community? | ||
| A lot of people in the straight community... | ||
| Let me speak for the straight community. | ||
| They'll take whatever they can. | ||
| Let me speak for my people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| Go for it. | ||
| What they like is butts. | ||
| Girls with big butts. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| It's because it's genes. | ||
| It's like the genes are signaling that this is a healthy woman who will give birth easily. | ||
| Oh, it's the old medieval hip trick? | ||
| It's all... | ||
| It is all tricks. | ||
| She will labor many moon children and shit. | ||
| Why does someone want someone with perfect features? | ||
| Because you want someone with great genetics. | ||
| There's a bunch of things that are favored, right? | ||
| Like height. | ||
| Tall men are favored. | ||
| Strong men are favored. | ||
| Genetics. | ||
| Big dicks. | ||
| Mating. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| It's all genes. | ||
| It's animal genes. | ||
| If you see a Kendall Jenner who... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Who's not like her sisters. | ||
| I wonder what happened. | ||
| Because she wants to model, so she can't fill her ass up with silicone and shit. | ||
| Oh, I thought you were talking about facial surgery. | ||
| Is that Kylie or Kendall? | ||
| Oh my god, let's play a game called Name the Kardashian with Joe Rogan. | ||
| Kendall's the model. | ||
| Kendall's the youngest. | ||
| There's Kylie and Kendall. | ||
| Which one had her face changed? | ||
| Kylie. | ||
| Okay, so this is the other one. | ||
| I mean, which one? | ||
| But Kylie did, but Kendall's the one who kind of kept herself normal. | ||
| Not normal, I don't want to say that. | ||
| She didn't fill her butt up with plastic. | ||
| She didn't fill her butt up. | ||
| She's a model. | ||
| She's doing Fashion Week. | ||
| She's... | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| Okay, so the one... | ||
| Oh my God, I can't... | ||
| Which one's which? | ||
| Kendall's on the left. | ||
| Kylie's on the right. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So the one on the left is natural and the one on the right is the one she had her face fixed. | ||
| Yeah, so Kylie's like the billionaire who's selling makeup and tits and ass. | ||
| Look at those fake boobs. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| But Kendall, I mean... | ||
| So Kendall has real ones. | ||
| Kendall has, I mean... | ||
| Those are normal. | ||
| Those are normal. | ||
| The ones next to it, those are balloons. | ||
| So which one's more attractive to you? | ||
| Depends on how horny you are and how drunk you are. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| And who's interested. | ||
| That is a good factor. | ||
| Who's interested? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been horny and I've been drunk. | ||
| I bet you have. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I bet both at the same time, huh? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| At the store, too. | ||
| I've done it. | ||
| I've tried it. | ||
| Pick them out of the audience. | ||
| I like you. | ||
| Jeans are strange, man. | ||
| They are weird, huh? | ||
| What attracts people to others? | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of factors, right? | ||
| Like, mean people are very unattractive. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Boring people are very unattractive. | ||
| Stupid people are very unattractive. | ||
| There's a lot of factors, but... | ||
| But then it gets down to like animal stuff. | ||
| Like shapes. | ||
| Shapes of bodies. | ||
| Size of hogs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Right? | ||
| Size of hogs. | ||
| The size of the hog. | ||
| I think they're at Coachella this year. | ||
| Oh, that's the name of the band? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Size of hogs. | |
| I get it. | ||
| I thought it was like a... | ||
| Well, I think... | ||
| Improv truth. | ||
| I think everybody... | ||
| And that's always been fascinating to me is when you see like the study of the law of attraction where it's like you see something you like, how your pupils dilate and how you... | ||
| How you kind of, like pheromones and weird shit. | ||
| I got a cologne. | ||
| God, I can't remember what the... | ||
| Oh, it was called... | ||
| So that's who buys cologne. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Gay guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about? | |
| I was wondering. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Who the fuck's buying cologne? | ||
| Me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love cologne. | |
| How many different colognes do you have in your house? | ||
| I probably have about, like, ten. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Oh, you're a connoisseur. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you have, like, different... | ||
| Like, tonight is the night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I pull it out of the vault. | ||
| No, not this one. | ||
| I sign up for Scentbird. | ||
| Scentbird is the cologne. | ||
| They send you a different cologne every month. | ||
| It's a cologne club. | ||
| It's like Dollar Shave Club, but for cologne? | ||
| It's like $14.95, you get a little vial of cologne. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Hey, I've been with them for two, three years. | ||
| Scentbird. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| But I do it every year. | ||
| I'll have my January through my December smells. | ||
| You have different smells for different times of the year? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| I got my spring, I got my summer, I got my fall, and I got a little spicy at the end of the year. | ||
| Oh, so you get spicy towards the fall and the winter time? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Like what, like a pumpkin-y sort of? | ||
| Not pumpkin, no, just like a nice Dolce& Gabbana, a little bit of rag and bone, a little bit of, yeah. | ||
| And they have them all on there. | ||
| And they're nice. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I've always smelled good. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| People are like, damn, you smell good. | ||
| I'm like, fuck yeah, you're right. | ||
| Do you put like a tiny bit? | ||
| Tiny bit. | ||
| Just a touch. | ||
| Just, that's it. | ||
| But you have ten. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they keep sending you more. | ||
| Are you worried you're going to run out of space? | ||
| People are going to come over your house like, oh my god, Justin's insane. | ||
| This fucking house is filled with cologne. | ||
| He's wallowing in his own filth. | ||
| No, I have, I have, usually I'll use, for the month, I'll use that as my month, and then, you know, if I don't use them, I'll save them. | ||
| Oh, you save them. | ||
| There is a cologne that I had, it was called Sexuelle. | ||
| Sexual? | ||
| Sexual. | ||
| Is that even a word? | ||
| Or is that just some asshole? | ||
| It's some asshole, but let's just go with it. | ||
| This is how you say it, like when people would say in Spanish, can you tell me where-o is the restaurante-o? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Sexual. | ||
| Sexual. | ||
| But it had pheromones in it. | ||
| Oh, sure it did. | ||
| So it had pheromones in it, and every time I would wear it, women would be like, hmm, hey, you smell good. | ||
| Yeah, because they probably took some fat guy and made him run on a treadmill, and then they dripped his fucking underwear into each bottle. | ||
| Oh, to Bert Kreischer? | ||
| Yes, there he is. | ||
| I didn't call you Fat Bert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| He does it all the time! | ||
| I don't think he's fat. | ||
| He's definitely fat. | ||
| He's thick with two C's. | ||
| No, if you just Google Bert is fat, you'll find... | ||
| I know, but that's mean. | ||
| He's thick. | ||
| Tom and Bert, they call each other fat. | ||
| The bear cave. | ||
| They fat-chamed each other. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Two bears, one cave. | ||
| Two bears. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a gay term. | ||
| Tell them. | ||
| You should tell them that. | ||
| They should know. | ||
| They probably don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because they named it. | |
| They'd probably be stunned and have to change their podcast. | ||
| Two bears, one cave? | ||
| They're both bears. | ||
| In the gay community, those are bears. | ||
| So they didn't get the joke? | ||
| They didn't get the reference? | ||
| I think they know. | ||
| They should know. | ||
| Are they technically bears? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Don't you have to be kind of a little buff to be a bear? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
| Just hairy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And fat? | ||
| I don't know what you are. | ||
| What am I? You're not a bear and you're not- Chimp. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| A chimp? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, what is Joe Rogan in the gay community? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I think that's why I don't have a thing either. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| I used to be a twink, and now I'm not. | ||
| And now I'm not hairy. | ||
| What changed? | ||
| I grew up, Joe. | ||
| I grew up. | ||
| That's an issue with gay folks, right, as you get older. | ||
| See, older guys that are straight can get hoes. | ||
| Oh, absolutely. | ||
| Gold diggers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love a good old hoe. | ||
| I know some dudes who are just really old, and they have young, hot girlfriends or wives. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And it's hilarious, because they got that cheddar. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They got that cheddar. | |
| But then... | ||
| That doesn't work with guys, does it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It does for twinks, right? | ||
| It does for young gays. | ||
| The young gays. | ||
| There's definitely some where I've been like, this guy's like 85 years old, and it's like... | ||
| Is it a 19-year-old woman? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But that's okay in the gay community, whereas that's disgusting in the straight community. | ||
| If you see an 80-year-old guy with an 18-year-old girl, you want to beat him to death. | ||
| You piece of shit. | ||
| But if you see an 80-year-old gay guy with an 18-year-old boy, like, oh, found himself a fella. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you also can look and be like, that'll do, pig. | ||
| But you know also, the other way, if you find an 80-year-old lady and she's got a 24-year-old boyfriend, you're like, you go, girl. | ||
| Go, bitch. | ||
| You go. | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| Nobody's mad at her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If anything, you're mad at the guy for playing that old lady and getting her to buy you a Corvette. | ||
| See, that's how I feel about Britney Spears right now. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What's going on with her? | ||
| She's kind of going through her thing. | ||
| What is her thing? | ||
| She's just, you know, she's in a concert, what's it called? | ||
| A conservatorship? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Conservatorship? | ||
| Like her dad's in charge of her and she's like almost 40. Right. | ||
| Is that an issue? | ||
| Yeah, she's got like mental shit going on. | ||
| If you look at her Instagram, she's just walking down, just flipping her hair. | ||
| Let's go to her Instagram. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Brittany, I love you. | ||
| It came up a week ago. | ||
| I thought you were getting to this, but... | ||
| Oh, wait, what? | ||
| I've heard... | ||
| We didn't get there, but I knew this was... | ||
| When I was having a conversation with Bill Maher, because... | ||
| He talked about this? | ||
| Well, I said she's hot, and Bill Maher said, what? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| And then my wife gave me a ton of shit for saying that Britney Spears is hot. | ||
| She's like, what the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| She's not hot. | ||
| She's, you know, there's a whole thing saying, you know, hashtag save Britney because they just feel like she's not in control of anything in her life anymore. | ||
| Like her dad owns everything. | ||
| She can't drive. | ||
| She can't do... | ||
| Right, but don't you think there's a reason for that? | ||
| If she was in control, she... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| She doesn't. | ||
| Cracked out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But she has like this hot 24-year-old... | ||
| Wait, who put that photo up? | ||
| She did. | ||
| Let me see that photo. | ||
| Well, somebody did. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Go large with that picture. | ||
| Bro, look at those. | ||
| She looks completely insane. | ||
| Well, she's taking her pants off. | ||
| She's got tattoos right next to her pussy. | ||
| Well, I mean, who doesn't? | ||
| Me. | ||
| Can't wait for spring. | ||
| Can't wait for spring. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That's her caption? | ||
| All the emojis. | ||
| All of the emojis. | ||
| Yeah, every emoji. | ||
| She's got like a shoe, an eggplant. | ||
| And look at that one there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's going on with this one? | |
| 2020, I will be doing a lot more acro yoga. | ||
| Let me hear this, please. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to open up my back and my chest, and I'm out here with my dogs, and we're going to have a beautiful day. | |
| Oh, you just killed my fantasies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She looks like a 70 year old lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My babies. | |
| What? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| This is acroyoga? | ||
| She just does that. | ||
| Oh, she looks crazy now, huh? | ||
| She'll walk through her house and she does these little fashion shows where she'll put on her outfits and just spin around and you're just kind of like, what? | ||
| Doesn't she do a residency in Vegas? | ||
| No, she did. | ||
| What is she doing now? | ||
| She canceled her residency days before it was supposed to open. | ||
| I have friends of mine who were supposed to dance in her second residency that she was doing. | ||
| Days before, they canceled it. | ||
| Because that was the whole thing. | ||
| Her dad... | ||
| Said no. | ||
| Apparently, like, her dad even slapped one of her kids in front. | ||
| Like, it was really fucked up. | ||
| Do you know this is true? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| This is all real. | ||
| Accusations? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Oh, it's out there. | ||
| No, it's out there. | ||
| It's out there. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| Oh, it's real. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She does look kooky for Cocoa Puffs. | ||
| Yeah, and so now, you know... | ||
| Everyone's rooting for and everything, and it's just... | ||
| Everyone. | ||
| They are! | ||
| We're rooting for Britney Spears! | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| She's in Hawaii! | ||
| It's my birthday, bitches! | ||
| How old is she? | ||
| She's probably 37, 38. Okay, she's bowling. | ||
| What happened to her butt? | ||
| Way to go. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| She's getting a ball of strike. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yay! | |
| I know. | ||
| It's so sad. | ||
| But where was I going with this? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| She has this hot 24-year-old boyfriend. | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| I hope she buys him a car. | ||
| Is that him? | ||
| Yeah, look at this guy. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| He's a moose. | ||
| He's a handsome fellow. | ||
| He's an elk. | ||
| What's going on around his neck? | ||
| Is that a neck pillow for an airplane? | ||
| Does he just wear that everywhere? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| You have to take precautions. | ||
| If he gets sleepy, he leans his head on that fucking neck pillow. | ||
| God, I mean, and that tree, come on. | ||
| She does look like she's out of her fucking mind. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So Bill Maher's right. | ||
| I'm sorry, Bill. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That one where she's doing the aqua yoga, that was sad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's sad. | |
| There's a lot of them where you're just kind of like... | ||
| Just seems crazy. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I mean, yeah, it's just a lot of head flips. | ||
| And then I... Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, well, she's probably insane. | ||
| I mean, wasn't she like 16 when she made it? | ||
| I mean, that's the story of Hollywood. | ||
| You know, it's like you start out at like 6, pump you full of pills, and then... | ||
| You know who's alright, kinda, sorta? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Macaulay Culkin. | ||
| He's on the cover of, uh, what's it called this, in March, Vanity Fair. | ||
| They just released it this morning. | ||
| Esquire. | ||
| He looks good. | ||
| GQ. Something like that. | ||
| Sports Illustrated. | ||
| Yeah, he's doing well. | ||
| Bears in Caves. | ||
| Bears in Caves. | ||
| He's in here. | ||
| Bowing alone. | ||
| We had a real good conversation. | ||
| I really enjoyed his company. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| And he realizes McCall Culkin is not like you. | ||
| The 39-year-old. | ||
| Esquire. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Esquire. | ||
| Esquire's March 2020 cover boy. | ||
| Has been liberated longer than... | ||
| He's an interesting guy. | ||
| He really is. | ||
| I bet he is. | ||
| He knows he's gone through something that you're not supposed to go through. | ||
| Like, he knows. | ||
| He knows that he did something you're not supposed to do. | ||
| He developed as a human being in a gigantic population of people. | ||
| Like, everyone knew who he was. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's hugely famous when he was a little boy, and that's not good for anybody. | ||
| Well, and people would see him on the streets and be like, do the thing! | ||
| Do the thing! | ||
| I'm sure he still gets that. | ||
| And you can't say no. | ||
| They get fucking mad at you. | ||
| They want to kick you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But Britney Spears, man. | ||
| I know. | ||
| When did she make it? | ||
| How old was she? | ||
| She made it in 1999 was her first hit. | ||
| She was also on the Mickey Mouse Club before that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was in the Mickey Mouse Club with Justin Timberlake and J.C. Chazet. | |
| She's double, triple fucked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's fucked. | ||
| She looks crazy. | ||
| She's probably pilled up. | ||
| Probably got around all kinds of stuff. | ||
| She had a show with her husband at the time called Chaotic with Kevin Federline. | ||
| And they followed her around and she was like yacked out of her mind. | ||
| He's one of those gold diggers on the male side. | ||
| We only have two. | ||
| Him and Tom Arnold. | ||
| The male ones have made it. | ||
| We got two up on the board. | ||
| There are so many women who have made so much money off men and divorces and only two men that I know of. | ||
| That have really scored and scored well. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| Someone else? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Anna Nicole Smith's ex. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think so, yeah. | ||
| Kevin Federline's all fat now. | ||
| He's got a giant belly. | ||
| Just takes care of the kids. | ||
| He's got custody, too, which is not a good sign. | ||
| You know, when the ex has custody and it's a guy, that usually means you're a fuck-up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or you've got some issues mentally. | ||
| So it's like, I mean, that's what happens. | ||
| Or you don't like kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like, hey, bro, you can have them. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| And here's a Ferrari. | ||
| It happened to Whitney Houston. | ||
| It happened to Michael Jackson. | ||
| It happened to Prince. | ||
| It happened to Amy Winehouse. | ||
| Michael Jackson, those are not his kids. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Oh, you mean going crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm sorry. | ||
| It's like you go down that route. | ||
| You start taking fentanyl. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I don't think anybody's supposed to be famous. | ||
| And I think being famous is probably one of the weirder fucking things that could happen to a human being. | ||
| And I think that as it's happening to you, your reality distorts in a way that you don't have normal interactions anymore. | ||
| And so then your foundation of who you are as a person deteriorates. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Now, if you grow up that way, it's even stranger because then your foundation never existed. | ||
| You never had a foundation. | ||
| You were always in this weird, strange world, and then oftentimes it goes away. | ||
| Remember when Gary Coleman was a security guard and people would show up at his job and mock him? | ||
| He was just trying to get enough money to eat. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| When you're working as a security guard, you're getting, what, $15 an hour if you're lucky? | ||
| You're just trying to eat. | ||
| That's all you're trying to do. | ||
| It's like that guy from Trader Joe's who was on the Cosby show. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| What's wrong with a guy trying to make a living? | ||
| They're like, look how gross he is. | ||
| No, do you do that to everybody that's at the fucking Trader Joe's? | ||
| No, you say hi. | ||
| You say hi, they bag your groceries and it's fine. | ||
| But it's almost worse to have been someone and then not be someone. | ||
| No, it is worse in people's eyes. | ||
| But it's that same thing. | ||
| It's like when people look at you when you're on television and go, like, oh, fuck him. | ||
| You know, like what they were saying when people take shots at you. | ||
| Like, fuck him. | ||
| He's on TV. I'll fucking take shots at him. | ||
| But then when you're not anymore and then you have a regular job, then it's like they have an extra desire to shit on you. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Those same kind of people. | ||
| It's power. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| Now they're doing better than you. | ||
| Visceral power, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they're doing better than you. | ||
| I got my own house. | ||
| Look at you, you fucking loser in your apartment. | ||
| I've got an ATM card. | ||
| I got everything. | ||
| You ain't got shit. | ||
| You used to be on TV, hmm? | ||
| That went away. | ||
| I bought a round of drinks. | ||
| I had a guy shit on me once. | ||
| He was working behind the counter at a CVS. And I couldn't figure out what he was trying to do. | ||
| But he's being rude to me. | ||
| The CVS. He goes, hey, you're that guy from that show. | ||
| I go, yep. | ||
| He goes, what happened to that show, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft. | |
| I'm like, what, Fear Factor? | ||
| I go, what do you think happened? | ||
| He goes, I don't know. | ||
| You tell me. | ||
| What happened to that show? | ||
| He's like, mean to me. | ||
| I go, it got canceled. | ||
| He's like, yeah. | ||
| I'm like, bro, you work at fucking CVS. Yeah. | ||
| Relax. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| This is Fear Factor. | ||
| Yeah, and I didn't go after him. | ||
| I was like, this is so ridiculous. | ||
| I was like, he was lucky I was high. | ||
| I was like, this is so weird. | ||
| Because he was literally trying to insult me. | ||
| You know, not realizing that I had done things since, and I'm okay, but to him, I'm not on TV anymore, so I must be a fucking loser. | ||
| So he's trying to make me feel bad. | ||
| What happened to that show? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm? | |
| What happened? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I wish I could tell you. | ||
| But it was weird. | ||
| I didn't do anything to you, man. | ||
| I just came here to buy gum or whatever the fuck I'm buying. | ||
| Yeah, can I have my mile-long receipt? | ||
| Shut up already. | ||
| Why are you being weird with me? | ||
| But he was just a dick. | ||
| A behind-the-counter dick. | ||
| Like, yeah, you used to be on TV, nothing anymore. | ||
| A B-T-C-D. Behind-the-counter dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. | |
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| People are weird with people that are successful. | ||
| There's a thing where they don't look... | ||
| In general, people don't look to people that are doing well as inspiration. | ||
| They look at them with envy. | ||
| It's like a natural human instinct. | ||
| And it's that attack. | ||
| And that's where we're at now with like cancel culture and stuff. | ||
| It's like, oh, we want to see somebody stumble or fall. | ||
| Because if we do, we can drag them down. | ||
| And then we'll get, you know, and if we see that, and if we post it, then we'll get all the likes and the favorites and the retweets. | ||
| Look what I found. | ||
| Look what I did. | ||
| Look what I discovered. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fuck him. | ||
| Yeah, fuck him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they don't realize, oh, that shit's going to come back around and get them. | ||
| It's going to come back and bite them in the ass. | ||
| Elk mate with a sign of jalapenos. | ||
| It feels bad. | ||
| It just feels bad, even when you're doing it. | ||
| You think you're going to... | ||
| Like, if you say mean shit to people that you don't even know, like, that can't feel good. | ||
| It seems like it would feel good. | ||
| But it does feel good. | ||
| It's going to come back around on you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a weird way, you know, giving people the access to things like social media. | ||
| It's a weird way to communicate, and it's not natural. | ||
| And so many people use it and abuse it. | ||
| So many kids use it and abuse it. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| And that's what's terrifying. | ||
| All those people being mean to you on your Instagram, if you could find out what the median age and who these people are and what their life was like, you'd probably be like, oh, I don't even feel bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're fucking 12. Yeah, where are your parents? | ||
| And, you know, where are your parents? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Do your parents even know you have an Instagram account, you little fuck? | ||
| I mean, I've had... | ||
| I've had instances where, you know, when we started the show on Snapchat, because Snapchat, I guess, used to be, like, for nudes. | ||
| Twelve-year-olds. | ||
| But, like, you see it one time, and then... | ||
| Oh, it would go away. | ||
| It would go away. | ||
| So you could be like, here's my dick, and you're like, oh, and then it goes away. | ||
| But it doesn't go away. | ||
| You just screenshot it. | ||
| Well, but there was some times where it was like, you know, I had to, like, call and be like, hey, um... | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| I had like a girl who had a dildo and was like using it on herself. | ||
| You had to call them and say, don't know what that happened? | ||
| No, I had to call whoever was in charge of the show. | ||
| I was like, hey, because Snapchat had just come out and I didn't know what the hell. | ||
| I'm like, I'm not the demographic of Snapchat, but I was just kind of like, I felt bad because I was like, clearly the girl didn't know. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| How did she not know? | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| Maybe she did know. | ||
| That's how she drums up customers. | ||
| But it was just... | ||
| I mean, it was fucking disturbing. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| She's going hard in the paint. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but it was just like, ugh, where's your parrots? | |
| How old was she? | ||
| 50? | ||
| Where's your parents? | ||
| They're dead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trying to kill myself with this beer bottle. | |
| She was young. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of people are bad parents, bro. | ||
| They do a terrible job. | ||
| Do you ever think you'd adopt kids? | ||
| No. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| I like how quick you answered. | ||
| God, no. | ||
| It's not my thing. | ||
| Not even a cat, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'd have a cat. | ||
| Maybe a cat. | ||
| No kids for me, though. | ||
| Because you could leave town for a weekend with a cat, just leave a lot of water and a lot of food. | ||
| It's got nine lives, yeah. | ||
| No, they don't. | ||
| They're just flexible. | ||
| They can store on that body fat, you know, get a big fake. | ||
| So, where are you doing this tour? | ||
| And where can people find out about it if they want to come see you? | ||
| Actually, I'm doing a tour with Jim Jeffries. | ||
| So, I'm doing his Oblivious tour. | ||
| So, you can check the dates. | ||
| I just did a thing. | ||
| Yeah, the Australia Fire Relief. | ||
| We actually just came back from Houston and New Orleans and he had to go do that show. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It was one downtown. | ||
| It was like when Kobe died. | ||
| Yes, the day of. | ||
| We were really bummed about that. | ||
| It was really weird to do. | ||
| We actually took off in the plane and we all got our CNN notifications and we all just sat there like, oh shit. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was pretty brutal. | ||
| I found out about it from Bert. | ||
| Bert, we have a group text going on. | ||
| Bert told me. | ||
| It was pretty gnarly. | ||
| And I just remember him being like, oh man, I gotta get the fuck downtown. | ||
| It's gonna be crazy. | ||
| And it's like, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was. | |
| It was crazy. | ||
| I'm doing that with him all year. | ||
| And then, yeah, I got this show coming out on E! in March. | ||
| It's called The Funny Dance Show now. | ||
| That's the dance-off thing. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Comics dancing off for $10,000 for a charity of their And I'm the judge. | ||
| Lonnie Love is a judge and Alison Holker, who is a dancer. | ||
| And they pick the song? | ||
| Do they have to practice? | ||
| Are they practicing? | ||
| They have to practice for like a week. | ||
| Oh, Christ. | ||
| And then, so we got like Ron Funches on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| We got like Ron Funches. | ||
| Ron Funch is the most positive comedian available today. | ||
| Isn't it nauseating? | ||
| No, he's great. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He's like cultivating being nice and being positive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| And I really appreciate it. | ||
| I did his podcast that he does, and it just felt like the warmest hug afterwards. | ||
| I was like, oh, I needed this in my soul. | ||
| That's what he's like. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He's genuinely like that. | ||
| He's so nice. | ||
| He's such a nice guy. | ||
| Yeah, we've got... | ||
| Cultivates it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We have Fortune, Brad Williams. | ||
| Ah, I love Fortune. | ||
| I mean, it's a cool, like... | ||
| I love Brad Williams, too, but I mean, I just had to say I love Fortune. | ||
| Yeah, she's great. | ||
| I don't want to leave Brad out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I love Brad. | ||
| I mean, it's going to be really, really fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| And then, yeah, I mean, you can find me on Instagram, at Justin Martindale. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| All right, bitch. | ||
| Don't find me on Twitter, because I'll block you. | ||
| Let's wrap this motherfucker up. | ||
| Yeah, let's do it. | ||
| Are you blocking people as well? | ||
| No, I need to start, though. | ||
| Should be? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why don't I just mute them? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Why don't I just talk into the void? | ||
| That is fun. | ||
| Just scream. | ||
| Scream into the vortex! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why are you ignoring me? | |
| I'll see you in hell! | ||
| The best thing to say to someone. | ||
| Alright, buddy. | ||
| Thank you, man. | ||
| Thank you, my brother. | ||
| Pleasure as always. | ||
| Are you at the store this week? | ||
| No, I'll be in Vegas. | ||
| Are you going to gamble your life away? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| JustinMartindale.com JustinMartindale on Twitter, Instagram. | ||
| JustinMartindale on Twitter. | ||
| JustinMartindale on Instagram. | ||
| Thanks, buddy. | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| You got it. |
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