Dec. 9, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:37:31
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Yes! | ||
| How many lame wolf jokes have you had to endure in real life? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I like them. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| What's the worst? | ||
| Bring them on. | ||
| Joe List constantly tries to get the nickname Wolf of Wall Street started. | ||
| Every time I see him, he's like, Wolf of Wall Street. | ||
| Why? | ||
| It's going to catch on. | ||
| He says it to no one. | ||
| It's going to catch on. | ||
| It's going to catch on. | ||
| You were saying that you like the turmeric coffee, but you don't like to admit that you like that stuff? | ||
| Yeah, I recently got into all this new-agey health stuff and crystals. | ||
| You got into crystals? | ||
| I mean, a little bit. | ||
| I'm on the fringe of the crystal. | ||
| For real? | ||
| I might be wearing a little rose quartz. | ||
| What's the thought behind being into crystals? | ||
| I honestly think a lot of it's just in your 30s at some point. | ||
| As a woman, I think you get into crystals. | ||
| Yeah, if you don't get a kid or a dog. | ||
| Yeah, you're just like, you know what? | ||
| Maybe I can bring some energy from somewhere. | ||
| It's like, why not? | ||
| Start burning sage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think it'll last forever. | ||
| I just think I'm in a little bit of a crystal phase right now. | ||
| Like a spiritual phase? | ||
| Kind of, yeah. | ||
| I was like thinking about, oh my god, this is so embarrassing. | ||
| Why am I starting so embarrassing? | ||
| I was thinking about maybe looking up like shamans in New York, you know, to be like, maybe I can get like, just explore the spiritual universe a little bit. | ||
| I think it means I'm lonely. | ||
| It probably means you're lonely. | ||
| But like shamans, like, do you want to do drugs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, I mean, I'd love to do ayahuasca. | ||
| Yeah, so they're not going to be listed. | ||
| You're going to have to find some. | ||
| You can't just Google them. | ||
| Some narc can just kind of Google ayahuasca. | ||
| You could get away with it legally right now in Oakland. | ||
| If you go to Oakland. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah, Oakland, they fucking stepped up. | ||
| They decriminalized everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, mushrooms are good. | |
| Everything. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| They're like, fuck it. | ||
| Do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, which is what we need. | ||
| Slowly but surely, that's going to be the whole country. | ||
| I, mushrooms are, I love mushrooms. | ||
| Wanna do some right now? | ||
| I have too many other things to do today. | ||
| Although, I recently did them and I all of a sudden, I didn't realize this happened on mushrooms. | ||
| I got so giggly. | ||
| Oh yeah, if you take the right amount, you get super giggly. | ||
| Like just giggled for hours. | ||
| I was like, oh this is the best. | ||
| This is, I was, I'm sure I was annoying to everyone around me, which is also pretty normal, but like. | ||
| You know, I'm giggling non-stop at anything. | ||
| Well, a lot of people are microdosing now, and what they're doing is they're taking a level of, they're taking, like, enough psilocybin so that you don't quite feel it. | ||
| It's like knocking on the door, feeling it. | ||
| Like, almost there. | ||
| But they report this amazing alleviation of anxiety, they feel super creative and really friendly, and all these, like, powerful, positive vibes, but they're basically sober. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Does it affect you if you actually wanted to take... | ||
| Oh, to blast off? | ||
| Yeah, would you have to take an extraordinary amount? | ||
| No, you can always blast off. | ||
| You're going to be able to blast off every single time. | ||
| I couldn't imagine that somehow or another it would get in the way. | ||
| The feeling that happens when you take a large dose where you just feel the tingling and you get fucking scared. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, that shit's coming. | ||
| I always have to put my hand here for hours. | ||
| Just like... | ||
| At the beginning of the Gulf War, like right after 9-11, Stanhope and I got fucked up on mushrooms, like the day of the war. | ||
| And we were watching TV, and they were like, war coverage. | ||
| We all gotta serve our country some way. | ||
| That's how we do it. | ||
| We get high and watch TV. And we were watching TV, and he said, war coverage begins today at 5. And he goes, holy shit, there's a kickoff for the war! | ||
| That war, the invasion of Iraq, the most recent one, not Desert Storm, but the most recent one, that is forever cemented in my head by mushrooms and him saying, holy shit, there's a kickoff! | ||
| There's a coin toss. | ||
| It was so weird. | ||
| That would make war more fun if they broadcast it like a game. | ||
| Good, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're like, flag on the plate! | ||
| There's some IEDs. | ||
| It might be the future. | ||
| Like, when you have robot wars? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| Because in the future, I don't think people are going to be fighting people. | ||
| Robots scare me. | ||
| They should. | ||
| So much. | ||
| I don't know why we're making them. | ||
| I was doing a gig at MIT recently, and I spent the first ten minutes yelling at them to stop making robots. | ||
| They make these cheetahs! | ||
| Why are you making robot cheetahs? | ||
| What is the point of that? | ||
| Well, that's Boston Dynamics. | ||
| That's not MIT. Oh, yeah. | ||
| But there's all the same people. | ||
| They're all working together. | ||
| Lex works at MIT. Yeah, he's a professor at MIT, Lex Friedman, who's a specialist in AI. He's been on this podcast a couple times before. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're a little bit too blasé about it. | ||
| Yeah, no, I don't like it. | ||
| I'm not a fan. | ||
| I won't even have an Alexa in my home. | ||
| Oh, don't fuck that. | ||
| They're listening. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're listening. | ||
| I also feel like that, like, ten years from now, people are going to be like, do you remember she said she didn't want to have an Alexa in her home? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, that's, like, going to be the new racist. | ||
| Scarlet letter. | ||
| You hate robots. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're going to put a mark in your door. | ||
| I'll never be senator now. | ||
| They'll put a black X on your door. | ||
| Doesn't like robots. | ||
| I hate them. | ||
| I hate them. | ||
| Never be senator. | ||
| You're not going to run for shit, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Never. | ||
| I'm having too much fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why would you want to stop having fun? | ||
| But did you think about, like, when Trump was giving you a hard time, did you think, hey, motherfucker, if I ran against you, I could really fuck you up? | ||
| Did you ever think about that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| For a second while he was tweeting against you and all the craziness that was going there? | ||
| Never. | ||
| It didn't even occur to me, but also I'm still 34, so I couldn't even run if I wanted to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How old do you have to be? | |
| 36? | ||
| 35. 35? | ||
| You're close. | ||
| That's the only qualification for president. | ||
| 35 and born here. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| There should be more. | ||
| Born here is important. | ||
| Born here is super important. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you don't want anybody sneaking in and just ruining the entire country on a sneak tip. | ||
| Although if I was, I'd be like a long-game terrorist. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I'd be like, yeah, they were born here, but... | ||
| They were incels the whole time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Half the kids over here. | ||
| This is three generations of Americans. | ||
| Yeah, they plan in advance. | ||
| They do plan, some terrorists and some organizations do plan things way, way, way in advance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's like the thing they say about China, that China plans things like hundreds of years out. | ||
| Yeah, they're good at it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're really, we underestimate China. | ||
| Well, how about that fucking wall? | ||
| How long did that take to make? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Probably like six days, knowing how hard they work. | ||
| I think it took hundreds of years. | ||
| They were just like, no, we got this. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| They were just getting tired of being invaded. | ||
| I mean, that country is like, I mean, they invented everything. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| They've been around forever. | ||
| They've been around forever. | ||
| And we just were like, no reason to be scared of them. | ||
| They've been China forever. | ||
| Forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Forever. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, America's a baby. | ||
| A little tiny baby. | ||
| Yeah, we're a little baby. | ||
| We're a little asshole baby. | ||
| They have bombs. | ||
| They have the best electronics. | ||
| They steal everything. | ||
| All the intellectual property. | ||
| They're like, fuck you. | ||
| They don't have any rules. | ||
| No, no, we copy. | ||
| I used to work at this tech company, and we had a lot of Chinese people that worked. | ||
| It was a computational biochemistry research lab, so of course we had a lot of Chinese people that worked there. | ||
| What are you trying to say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very smart and qualified. | |
| That sounds racist. | ||
| And that's my favorite thing is when you're like, you're racist. | ||
| I just said you were smart. | ||
| Hey, we said you're amazing. | ||
| Is it racist that you guys are amazing? | ||
| Well, then people, they get, they're like, not all Chinese people are doing well. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, I'm sure there's Chinese people that aren't doing well, but, you know, their parents never talk about them. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of Chinese people. | ||
| When you say not all Chinese people are doing well, there's fucking a billion of them. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, there's plenty that aren't doing well, but the ones that are doing well are doing really well. | ||
| Yeah, you're concentrating on the glasses half empty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, really. | ||
| There's a billion people. | ||
| The Chinese people that worked at this tech company, if they were Chinese nationals, they were only allowed to have access to certain parts. | ||
| Like, there were certain parts they had to keep separate from them and they couldn't know about. | ||
| Did they come over and stare at your computer? | ||
| I had one guy who worked there. | ||
| Okay, what are you working on? | ||
| Me, I'm just like, I'm just recruiting new people to work here. | ||
| You're not going to get anything from me. | ||
| I don't understand what we're doing here. | ||
| But the one guy who worked there, he came over, didn't know any English, and he learned English by watching Seinfeld. | ||
| So I kid you not, he had this Seinfeld cadence that he spoke with. | ||
| Where's the bedroom? | ||
| And he'd enter rooms a little bit like Kramer. | ||
| No. | ||
| I swear. | ||
| Not the full thing, but every time he'd come into the office, he'd be like, whoa. | ||
| No. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I swear. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| I wonder if there's an equivalent show in China, where if you went over there and tried to learn Mandarin from a television show, what would you concentrate on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm going to get too racist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Chopsticks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't say it. | |
| Don't say it. | ||
| Chopsticks is racist. | ||
| No, it's racial, you fucks. | ||
| There's a difference between racial and racist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| I enjoy chopsticks. | ||
| It's a great way to eat salad, by the way. | ||
| It's a great way to eat slower. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh yeah, if you want to eat rice. | ||
| Yeah, it's real slow. | ||
| But if you want to eat salad, it's like the best way to eat salad. | ||
| I eat salad with chopsticks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you ever try to like get a fork in a tomato? | ||
| It's fucking hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But you can grab a lot of lettuce with them chopsticks. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I'm going to try that next time. | ||
| Yeah, fuck yeah. | ||
| Like forks with sushi? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| You have to use chopsticks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or your hands. | ||
| I use my hands a lot. | ||
| You're an animal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Savage. | ||
| Like a wolf. | ||
| Let's see how many we can get in this podcast. | ||
| We can get a couple. | ||
| I got some photos of wolves. | ||
| Did you see those wolves out there? | ||
| Oh, I saw those wolves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy, right? | |
| I have wolf paw tattoo on my side. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How much do you regret that? | ||
| A lot or really a lot? | ||
| People are always like, are those cat paws? | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, whatever. | ||
| That fits too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, whatever. | |
| That's a weird one, the dog paw tattoo. | ||
| That's a common weird one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| It's like barbed wire. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love a good barbed wire pad, too. | |
| You got any barbed wire? | ||
| No. | ||
| I got two sleeves, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Both these arms are sleeved. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's all traditional. | ||
| Well, it's not really traditional Japanese stuff, but it's like Japanese new style American stuff. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No pause. | ||
| No pause. | ||
| Not that I wouldn't have got one. | ||
| I'm lucky I didn't get a tattoo until I was like 25. And I didn't get sleeved until I was in my 30s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I would have made some shit choices. | ||
| That should be a 30s decision. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| I see these kids today. | ||
| They're fucking 18. They got face tattoos. | ||
| Like, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Slow down. | ||
| It's such a fun decision to make for your whole life. | ||
| Like Post Malone. | ||
| That kid's talented as fuck. | ||
| Really talented. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But always tired? | ||
| You tattooed always tired on your face? | ||
| Every time I see a picture of him, I get angry. | ||
| I just want to be like, I don't spend a ton of time in hair and makeup, but anytime I have something, there's at least a little hair and makeup. | ||
| And I'm looking at this guy, and I'm like, why can't we just be that? | ||
| Well, I think what he's doing, and what a lot of people are doing, is they're going way overboard to not give a fuck. | ||
| Just scribbling on their face. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Did you see the Lizzo thing from the Lakers game last night? | ||
| No, did you feel that? | ||
| Oh, I thought it was an earthquake. | ||
| Happens all the time, I do too. | ||
| I panicked. | ||
| Oh, I've never been here for an earthquake. | ||
| We're due. | ||
| We're due for a big one. | ||
| That's what everyone keeps saying. | ||
| They said that there was a recent shift in one of the tectonic plates that it was the first time it moved in 500 years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-oh. | |
| And they're like, oh, Jesus. | ||
| The other place I was thinking of moving to was Bozeman, Montana. | ||
| You know why, Jamie? | ||
| Because it's right next to Yellowstone. | ||
| So if it blows, it blows right on your fucking head. | ||
| Wait, like the geyser? | ||
| Well, do you know what Yellowstone is? | ||
| It's like a bunch of water under it, right? | ||
| Hot water? | ||
| Much, much, much, much, much more than that. | ||
| It's a continent destroyer. | ||
| I'm like, it's just hot water, right? | ||
| It's a continent destroyer. | ||
| It's a caldera volcano. | ||
| They didn't find out about it until satellites. | ||
| Wait, is that the geyser? | ||
| Oh, it's way more than a geyser. | ||
| The geyser's there, but the geyser is a result of underground volcanic activity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool, cool. | |
| There's a super volcano under Yellowstone that's so fucking big that when they first saw it, they didn't know what it was. | ||
| And then they realized it when they started looking at satellite images that it's essentially what happens when a volcano just completely explodes and the mountain disappears and it becomes like a crater. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So the whole top just blows up and happens every 600,000 to 800,000 years. | ||
| And the last time it happened was about 600,000 years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-oh. | |
| They have thousands of earthquakes there. | ||
| And you want to live there? | ||
| Great place to live. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| Oh, it's great out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's so pretty. | |
| You want to be there for the explosion? | ||
| Well, I feel like if it blows, you want to be there. | ||
| Because you don't want to be one of those people eating people. | ||
| Oh, that's true. | ||
| You don't want that. | ||
| That's why I never understood bomb shelters and stuff like that. | ||
| Yeah, preppers. | ||
| No, no, I'd rather not be around. | ||
| If an asteroid hits, you want it to hit you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You literally want to see that giant city-sized thing just coming straight at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just close your eyes and let's see what happens when you die. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't want any shrapnel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I want the full... | ||
| No, you don't want that. | ||
| I want the full asteroid to my face. | ||
| Well, there's been a bunch of super volcanoes that have killed people. | ||
| There's one of them that we were... | ||
| We were talking about, what island was that, Jamie? | ||
| There was one that happened somewhere around, I think it was Indonesia, where it killed most of the population on Earth. | ||
| It was about 70,000 years ago. | ||
| They were down to just a few thousand human beings. | ||
| Toba. | ||
| Toba. | ||
| Is that near Indonesia, or am I making that up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Super true. | ||
| Sumatra, yeah. | ||
| So where were the thousand people, though? | ||
| Yeah, great coffee. | ||
| Well, a few thousand people other places other than that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because what happens is you get, like, nuclear winter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When the entire atmosphere gets filled with volcanic dust, and it gets freezing cold, it blocks out the sun, animals die. | ||
| Look at that bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| 75,000 years ago. | ||
| But look how pretty it is now! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's gorgeous. | |
| Yeah, it's gorgeous now. | ||
| But I mean, when you see mountains, that's the result of activity. | ||
| You know, that's the result of plates moving and shit moving upwards. | ||
| Wait, but the people really trying not to care, the Lakers game last night, Lizzo. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Is that her? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is she doing now? | ||
| And I actually, I went to the game last night, and she wore this t-shirt that had this big hole in the back, and she was just wearing a thong out of it. | ||
| My theory is that she forgot underwear and then cut it, and she was like, I can fashion it out of this hole. | ||
| I think that's calculated. | ||
| First of all, she's sitting on a seat. | ||
| Right there? | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Her butt is on that plastic Delta court side seat. | ||
| Well, you know, Lil Duval, he had a great point. | ||
| He put it on his Twitter page. | ||
| He said, how come when little skinny hot girls wear no clothes, everybody gets mad at them and calls them sluts. | ||
| But when big giant girls... | ||
| I don't think he said big giant girls. | ||
| I think he just said big. | ||
| I added giant. | ||
| He's like, when big girls dress like that, everybody celebrates. | ||
| Well, my biggest problem with it is that you'll see all these women, I'm sure, being like, she's just confident. | ||
| She's confident. | ||
| And I'm like, why does it still have to be... | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| It's still wrapped up in women needing to feel sexy to feel confident. | ||
| Or you can just be a really good artist. | ||
| No, to be confident, you have to stick your ass out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's super important. | ||
| Yeah, it's very important. | ||
| That's what people do when they're confident. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like when baboons, when they're in estrus. | ||
| Look at her there, dancing around. | ||
| Well, you also got to remember, she's only been getting a lot. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| How long has she been getting attention for? | ||
| It hasn't been that long. | ||
| I feel like I've only known about her for like a year. | ||
| Yeah, so this is all new, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Look, she's got an old iPhone. | ||
| See that iPhone? | ||
| Back that up, Jamie. | ||
| Back that up. | ||
| That shit had bezels on it. | ||
| Look. | ||
| See the bezels on that phone? | ||
| Back up. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| See that? | ||
| See the top? | ||
| See the bottom? | ||
| She's got an old iPhone. | ||
| So do I. Do you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You might be one of them weird people who likes to do it as a choice. | ||
| I just don't want a bigger phone. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It doesn't fit in my pocket. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| They're coming out with a new one, a new iPhone that's a real small one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like a four inch one. | ||
| You should call it a lady phone. | ||
| Lady phone. | ||
| See how mad people get. | ||
| People that are tired of fucking staring at their screen all day. | ||
| Maybe it'd be like less interesting. | ||
| Are you one of those people that wants to get into like flip phones again? | ||
| No, I have thought about getting a flip phone, but the problem is everybody iMessages me. | ||
| I've switched over to Android before. | ||
| It becomes a disaster. | ||
| You miss half the messages. | ||
| Apple fucks you. | ||
| They're trying to keep you from switching over. | ||
| Of course! | ||
| It's genius! | ||
| Well, when they figured out the blue text, too, the blue bubble carries status. | ||
| Someone with a green bubble, just like, what's wrong with you? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, get your life together. | ||
| Or you're one of them tech weirdos. | ||
| Like, deep, deep, deep in tech. | ||
| Like, you use Linux. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You're just, like, coding all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Like, you have your own, like, you made, like, your own phone program. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, what do they do with their phones? | ||
| It's not jailbreaking you do that with an iPhone, but you do something different with a... | ||
| Is it the same? | ||
| I think it's the same thing, yeah. | ||
| I thought it had a different name because I don't think it's jail. | ||
| Oh, I know what you mean. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| There's various words for it. | ||
| It depends on bootloading, stuff like that. | ||
| Yeah, something like that. | ||
| So basically what they do is they erase everything off of the phone, start fresh with a clean version of Android. | ||
| And then they add their own skins and they add their own loaders. | ||
| Whatever makes them happy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Launchers. | |
| They have different launchers. | ||
| Which launcher are you using? | ||
| They get really geeked out because with Android you can change everything. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I went back and forth. | ||
| I tried Android to see. | ||
| The Apple experience is smoother. | ||
| It's a smoother experience. | ||
| I have a friend who only uses an iPad and can only get messages when it's connected to Wi-Fi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's very frustrating when you're trying to get a hold of that person. | ||
| I have a friend who does that, too. | ||
| Is it your friend Ari Shafir? | ||
| Ari does it, too. | ||
| It's the same kind of thing. | ||
| I know another guy who does that, too. | ||
| I bet I know who you're talking about. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Yeah, he does that. | ||
| Ari! | ||
| I mean, he'll get... | ||
| Well, Ari is an addict. | ||
| And he knows it. | ||
| He understands it. | ||
| And I respect the fact that he made a proactive move. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To, like, say, look, this is fucking dumb. | ||
| I have to figure out a way to not stare at my phone all day. | ||
| I'll just get a flip phone. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But then he was, like, texting with the thumbs, doing that T9 thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oof. | |
| Atal has a flip phone. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, he has an iPhone, too. | ||
| Like, literally, iPhone 2. Like, the number 2? | ||
| He does. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's a second-generation iPhone. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| He pulls it out of his pocket like, what? | ||
| It's like fucking receipts and diner matches and shit. | ||
| He pulls this old-ass iPhone. | ||
| It tells hilarious. | ||
| Not just hilarious as a comic, but hilarious as a human character. | ||
| He's one of my favorites. | ||
| Every once in a while, he'll do like a joke check, and you'll get this weird text from him that's like, hey, does anyone have anything about raccoons and cats? | ||
| Eating flags or something. | ||
| You know, it's like just a combination of like, it's like a Mad Lib. | ||
| You're like, no, I've not heard that one before. | ||
| Well, I guess when you're a guy like him, too, if you're writing joke jokes all the time, like everything's a joke joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, you never know if you heard that before. | ||
| Like, your memory only holds so much. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| And he's like, I mean... | ||
| He is all punchline. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| And it's great. | ||
| It's fucking the best. | ||
| But it is one of those things where it's like, yeah, does anyone have jokes about s'mores and hot air balloons? | ||
| To me, he's the most underappreciated master of our age. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's a legitimate master comedian. | ||
| And he doesn't get the kind of love that he should from the general public because he has zero marketing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Zero anything other than people saying he's awesome and people seeing him be awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And he's one of the rare guys that got sober and got better. | ||
| He really did. | ||
| And also he'll bring candy to the club every once in a while, which I love candy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| So I'm always happy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But he gives it to people? | |
| He'll just bring bags of candy to the cellar every once in a while. | ||
| And I'm like, I did want a little baby Ruth. | ||
| Just brings candy for people? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| Everybody loves him. | ||
| Nobody will tell you they hate a tell. | ||
| I've never heard that once. | ||
| He had this one story of him doing crowd work. | ||
| There was a group of Latino women in the front and mean mugging the whole time, just arms crossed. | ||
| Enough that comics were talking about it. | ||
| After their set, they'd be like, yeah, but then there's these women in the front. | ||
| We couldn't break them at all. | ||
| Attell gets on stage, looks immediately at them, and he goes, Oh, why so sad? | ||
|
unidentified
|
did selena die again oh my god that's funny - And then Selina's Everyone laughed. | |
| They laughed. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| But he has that laser vision where he sees it in the crowd. | ||
| He has the perfect reference for it. | ||
| Did Selena die again? | ||
| Holy shit, that's funny. | ||
| Oh my god, that's funny. | ||
| They'd have to laugh at that. | ||
| You have to, you can't not. | ||
| Oh my god, that's so funny. | ||
| Did Selena die again? | ||
| Holy fuck. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He's one of the greatest. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Like, legitimately one of the greatest ever. | ||
| Just doesn't get enough credit. | ||
| But there's a lot in that in comedy right now, too. | ||
| Like, I mean, he's been around for decades and should definitely be, like, widely loved. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| But, like, some of the younger guys, too. | ||
| It's like, you know, like this Mark Norman, Sam Morrell, Dan Soder. | ||
| Mark Norman's getting a lot of love. | ||
| Soder just had a special. | ||
| I'm not saying they're not getting some. | ||
| It's just, like, I feel like they're all underappreciated. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| You know, like, there are guys that are, like, great joke writers, you know, and it's, like, hard for them to sell specials now because it's, you know, people are like, you're a straight white guy. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| I think it is, yeah. | ||
| But isn't, like, um, I mean, there are straight white guys. | ||
| What's that fuck? | ||
| John Mulaney. | ||
| He's a straight white guy, allegedly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pretty sure he is, yeah. | ||
| But he has characteristics. | ||
| I mean, he looks nice, he's presentable, he has a small dog, you know. | ||
| There's a lot going on there. | ||
| But I'm pretty confident. | ||
| Dresses well. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Stylish. | ||
| Stylish. | ||
| Very good comic, though. | ||
| I think he's just old-timey. | ||
| Yes, that's right it is. | ||
| They were gay in the old days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why the Flintstones will have a gay old time. | |
| Oh, now I just want to see a gay Flintstones remake. | ||
| They should do that. | ||
| Be inclusive. | ||
| Don't be bigots. | ||
| You're going to remake all these shows. | ||
| Let's do a gay Flintstones. | ||
| If you think back to Fred Astaire and things like that, if there was a guy like that today, you're like, that poor guy, come out of the closet. | ||
| Of course you would. | ||
| You're just like, no, he's just a straight tap dancer. | ||
| No chance. | ||
| Who the fuck is a straight tap dancer? | ||
| Sorry, straight tap dancers. | ||
| Sorry, Savion Glover. | ||
| There's gotta be straight tap dancers. | ||
| I mean, they must exist, but white ones? | ||
| White straight tap dancers? | ||
| I mean, I don't even know if white guys tap dance anymore. | ||
| There's a few. | ||
| There's like four. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Did you know them? | ||
| No, they all live in Pennsylvania. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| They're all thinking of getting out. | ||
| That's where I'm from! | ||
| My parents used to live outside of Wilkes-Barre. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm from Hershey. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Boy, it smells out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cows, right? | ||
| So in town, it would either smell like chocolate, because of the factory, or poop. | ||
| Cows or chocolate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Boy, that's a confusing way to grow up. | ||
| Yeah, it really is. | ||
| How many people live in Hershey? | ||
| I think it's like 30,000 maybe. | ||
| You get about 30,000 deer around there too. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of deer. | ||
| We have a day of school for deer hunting. | ||
| Oh, day off school? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Really? | ||
| It was always the Monday after Thanksgiving. | ||
| That's when deer season started. | ||
| I've eaten a lot of venison. | ||
| I bet you have. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You want some? | ||
| I got some. | ||
| I'm good right now. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I used to eat venison bologna. | ||
| Venison bologna is delicious. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You get used to eating wild game and you start preferring it. | ||
| I prefer it. | ||
| I have a lot of people I know that hunt out there. | ||
| They're bow and arrow hunters. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which I kind of appreciate that a lot. | ||
| That's what I do. | ||
| Yeah, really? | ||
| Yeah, that's all I do. | ||
| I haven't hunted with a rifle in years. | ||
| Do you have to wait for a long time for things? | ||
| It's harder. | ||
| It's more nerve wracking. | ||
| It's more difficult to make a good shot. | ||
| It requires way more practice. | ||
| If you know how to shoot a gun, if I had a good rest with a rifle, I haven't shot a rifle a couple months ago, but if I hadn't shot a rifle, I shot an elk once and I hadn't shot a rifle in a year. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if you have a rest, and the rifle's on the rest, and the rest is steady, all it is is about trigger discipline. | ||
| It's just squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, boom! | ||
| Let it go off on its own. | ||
| Just don't jerk the trigger. | ||
| Keep the crosshair on the animal, and it's not that hard. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But bowhunting is like a lifestyle. | ||
| It's a different thing. | ||
| For the guys who do it, it's like, when you eat something, like we ate elk last night at my house. | ||
| I shot that elk with a bow and arrow in Utah. | ||
| I was there. | ||
| I saw everything. | ||
| I cut it up. | ||
| Do you butcher it yourself? | ||
| I didn't butcher it myself, but we quartered it, which means you take the legs off and the back straps off and you take all the big parts of meat and then I send it to a butcher and they'll make sausages and cut it into roasts. | ||
| How do you get the elk back to California? | ||
| Cooler. | ||
| Just like on the plane? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeti. | ||
| Yeti coolers. | ||
| They have these things called a Yeti hopper. | ||
| So it's like a bag, like a big bag, like about this big. | ||
| And you can get two back straps in there from an elk. | ||
| Elk back straps. | ||
| Like, you know, elk's a big animal. | ||
| It's an 800-pound animal. | ||
| I just love the idea that there's all these people on planes with like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're going to L.A. with their little dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's just like elk meat in storage? | ||
| Yeah, I put it in the overhead. | ||
| You put it in the overhead? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Wait, for real? | ||
|
unidentified
|
For real. | |
| You have elk meat? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| That's how I carry it back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love this. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you have to, look, if you, I could either send all of it to the, but the back straps are so easy. | ||
| What happens when you put it through security? | ||
| Are they like, what's going on here? | ||
| They go, oh, you got an elk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah, I shot an elk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, they know in places like Utah, they're used to that. | ||
| I mean, this makes me so mad because I had an Alexander McQueen purse. | ||
| You know the ones, you guys know Alexander McQueen purses, right? | ||
| You're familiar with the line. | ||
| They have ones that have like rings that you like, you put your hand through and it's like a bunch of rings attached to the purse. | ||
| Well, I brought it through security and they were like, no, you have to check this because it looks like brass knuckles. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| And so I had to check my McQueen purse, my little quilted patent leather McQueen purse. | ||
| That is so ridiculous. | ||
| And you can bring elk. | ||
| Well, Tony Hinchcliffe tried to bring a pool stick. | ||
| We went to... | ||
| This is what's... | ||
| Here's what's really crazy. | ||
| We went to Phoenix this past weekend. | ||
| We were working together and my friend Scott Frost has a... | ||
| Shout out to Scott Frost. | ||
| Has a place in Tempe, this big pool hall. | ||
| Scott's like a... | ||
| Big time gambler, pool player, professional pool player, very famous guy in the world of pool. | ||
| And so we were going to go and play at his place. | ||
| And so Tony brought his pool cue. | ||
| And in LA, he didn't even check it. | ||
| He just walked right through security with a pool cue. | ||
| Pool cue is totally illegal to bring on a plane. | ||
| So we're walking around LAX and I go, hey man... | ||
| You have a fucking pool cue with you? | ||
| He goes, yeah. | ||
| I go, how did you do that? | ||
| He goes, I just walked right through. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| He goes, yeah, I just walked through. | ||
| I go, dude, that's illegal. | ||
| You can't have that. | ||
| He goes, I'm pretty sure it's legal now. | ||
| So on the way back from Phoenix, they were like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| He's like, oh, I'm just going to bring the pool cue on the plane. | ||
| I was like, no, you're not. | ||
| Go check that shit. | ||
| So he had to go back out. | ||
| We had to hold on to his bags. | ||
| He went back out and he had to go back to the counter and check it and come back. | ||
| Wait, why is it so illegal? | ||
| Because you could beat someone to death with it. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| I was thinking poke. | ||
| I guess you could do that, too. | ||
| You somehow get into the cockpit and you're just poking the back of their heads. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They annoyed me so much! | |
| He made us fly to Miami. | ||
| No, it's a hardwood club, basically. | ||
| Yeah, I'm dumb. | ||
| That would be a better way to use a weapon. | ||
| Haven't you ever watched a Steven Seagal movie? | ||
| Oh, right, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It beats people up with pool cues. | |
| But there's so much stuff like that. | ||
| Well, they sell glass bottles inside the terminal. | ||
| Which you could break. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then have a glass weapon. | ||
| Right, but don't they hold those? | ||
| Like, when you have duty-free, don't they hold on to that stuff and then you get it later or something? | ||
| I think you can buy glass bottles of, like, sparkling water in, like, throughout the thing. | ||
| I think you can. | ||
| Yeah, you definitely can buy a bottle of water. | ||
| Like a water bottle? | ||
| Can you buy like a Voss bottle? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I've never seen one. | ||
| I think they have the little glass sparkling ones. | ||
| I might be wrong. | ||
| We might both be full of shit here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's fight it out. | ||
| I brought a big fucking knife once on a plane. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Went right through security at LAX. On purpose? | ||
| No! | ||
| My friend Jocko gave me this knife. | ||
| Shout out to Jocko. | ||
| He gave me this knife and I had it in my fanny pack and it just went right through security. | ||
| I mean, it's a fucking click, a big hefty knife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I was like, whoa! | ||
| I got back to my place and, you know, it's like I was in my hotel room and I noticed I had it. | ||
| I was like, holy shit. | ||
| Well, look, I get excited when I can get hair product through. | ||
| What's the rule on hair products? | ||
| Well, it's supposed to be under whatever, three ounces, but every once in a while I'll forget, or I'll be running late, and I'll throw in the full-size bottle. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| And luckily, a lot of times, it'll be black women. | ||
| They'll see it, and they'll be like, no, if it's fine, go ahead. | ||
| I'll be like, thank you so much, oh my god. | ||
| Well, they know you're not a fucking terrorist. | ||
| It's so ridiculous. | ||
| And also, it's hard to find the right hair product. | ||
| In some of the places we go. | ||
| They were going to let people bring knives again. | ||
| They were going to let people bring four-inch knives, and they were going to let people bring pool cues. | ||
| But then I think something happened, and there was another event. | ||
| Oh, you know what it was? | ||
| You remember at LAX where that guy shot one of the TSA agents who came to LAX with a rifle? | ||
| And shot a TSA agent, that's right when that was going down, then they locked it down. | ||
| So if I was a conspiracy theorist, I'd say, they don't want us bringing little knives and pool cues, so they shot that guy. | ||
| It's a false flag. | ||
| I mean, it's logical, though. | ||
| I can follow the logic. | ||
| It's just, what you can and can't bring is crazy. | ||
| How come you can bring a skateboard? | ||
| I could beat someone to death with a skateboard. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Way better than a pool cue. | ||
| Yeah, also it's like you couldn't just have a bunch of three-ounce things that you combine together. | ||
| Yeah, make a big bomb. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you have a bunch of three-ounce things in an empty tub. | ||
| What's the empty tub for? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Why does it have a fuse? | ||
| You don't know if this is poison? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right, it could be anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right, like those little... | ||
| You could definitely take something and... | ||
| I probably shouldn't even say this. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to give anybody any ideas. | ||
| Because what if I did say that and then someone did do that? | ||
| See, there's a lot of people that are really crazy and not that creative. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, they're just like, ah, if only I knew a way to do this. | ||
| It's like, use your brain, buddy. | ||
| Like the shoe bomber? | ||
| That fucking asshole. | ||
| Now everybody has to take their shoes off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Nobody took their shoes off before that. | ||
| Because he had a bad shoe bomb. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But he was trying to light it in front of everybody. | ||
| He didn't even do it in the bathroom, the fucking idiot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that what you do? | ||
| You light bombs? | ||
| If I was going to light a bomb, I'd light it in the bathroom. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just light it. | ||
| Flush it. | ||
| And then, oh, of the plane. | ||
| And then start walking, like you don't even know what's happening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like one of the action movies where the bomb goes off behind you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| That's what you do, just walk. | ||
| Just walk down the aisle. | ||
| You're just hoping someone Instagrams it at the right time, too. | ||
| You're like, oh, we're all going to die, but also, what a good post. | ||
| But also, hopefully your phone is really durable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it makes the trip. | ||
| They can extract this video. | ||
| It fell from this guy, and we did get this amazing action photo. | ||
| Yeah, it's a weird thing that everybody gets super, super checked flying. | ||
| But you don't get super, super checked when you go to the mall. | ||
| You don't get super, super checked. | ||
| There's all these other places where you don't get super, super checked. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I feel like there should just be metal detectors everywhere. | ||
| How hard is it to get on a train? | ||
| Very easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right? | |
| I love an Amtrak. | ||
| Do you take guns? | ||
| Well, I don't have any, but you could. | ||
| But if you had, you would? | ||
| Yeah, you could. | ||
| Poison? | ||
| You know, only if I'm trying to kill somebody. | ||
| But yeah, you can just get on. | ||
| You get to the train station. | ||
| If you're there like a minute before the train leaves, you can get on the train. | ||
| There's nothing. | ||
| They don't look for anything. | ||
| Yeah, you just hop on. | ||
| You hop right on. | ||
| You ride the rails. | ||
| You get to look at the beautiful scenery. | ||
| I love a train. | ||
| I do love a train. | ||
| We took a train in Europe. | ||
| I was with my family in Italy, and we took a train ride. | ||
| They do trains really well out there. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It was beautiful. | ||
| Sit back, watch the countryside, drink a Diet Coke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was wonderful. | |
| In the UK, they have really good service on trains, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you take one of the Virgin trains or whatever, they come through and they have snacks, they have Imagine being like in the old west times when they had those really nice first class trains that were going across the country. | |
| And like everyone's dressed like a gentleman and a lady. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're just like, everyone looks beautiful. | ||
| Everything's velvet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Velvet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Velvet was classy. | ||
| They really liked velvet. | ||
| Why was that, you think? | ||
| I think it probably just felt soft and maybe it was expensive. | ||
| And it just showed that you were wealthy. | ||
| And then all the stains, too. | ||
| Do you know that they used to use beaver pelts to line the inside of their hats? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that was a big thing. | ||
| Beavers would line the inside of their hats. | ||
| And there was something about the inside of hats that they used mercury. | ||
| And the mercury made people go crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I was going to say, that sounds like a bad idea. | ||
| So that's where the expression mad hatter came from. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Mad as a hatter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It came from people not knowing that mercury was poison, so they're putting mercury in their fucking hats. | ||
| This is how I'm just like, yeah, 100%. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that's true. | ||
| I 100% believe you. | ||
| It sounds ridiculous. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| I think it's totally true, right? | ||
| I definitely think someone told me that on this podcast. | ||
| My hard drive is so overfull. | ||
| So overfull. | ||
| I run into people and I go, oh, I know that guy. | ||
| I'm like, fuck, he was on my podcast a month ago. | ||
| Of course I know him. | ||
| Literally, it's like I'm forgetting everything. | ||
| I wonder if it's just getting old. | ||
| This is... | ||
| What? | ||
| Something crazy? | ||
| Yeah, alright. | ||
| So, this is the explanation I just read on this, corrosiondoctors.org, which, I don't know the validity of it, but... | ||
| So, it was camel hair that was used as the felt material. | ||
| In order to soften that up and speed up the softening process, they would use camel urine to process that. | ||
| So, as that became more popular, the French... | ||
| Workmen that were doing that would use their own urine to soften it. | ||
| Some of them were being treated for syphilis with mercury. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That would then bleed into and lead to some problems. | ||
| Imagine you get some syphilis piss on the inside of your fancy hat. | ||
| Sounds like a lot to get to there. | ||
| I mean, this is what you get for having sex outside of marriage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I'm saying. | |
| Or even inside of marriage. | ||
| Imagine if you wait all those days and she still gives you the clap. | ||
| Like, fuck! | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| They might have even used the mercury to process it and skipped all the pee process, but the first paragraph says it was urine that did it, and then... | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I think I'd rather wear my own pee than a camel's pee. | ||
| Yeah, or a dude with syphilis. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever see the pictures of people when they used to die from syphilis? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's a rough way to go. | ||
| You get holes in your head. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Yeah, your nose falls off. | ||
| It's fucking horrific. | ||
| Maybe that's what Michael Jackson had. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People develop big holes in their skin. | ||
| There's this one guy, Lindsey Fitzharris. | ||
| That's her name, right? | ||
| She's a woman who's got this amazing Instagram page. | ||
| And she specializes in ancient medical procedures. | ||
| She shows you the horrors of ancient surgery. | ||
| And one of the things she was showing us was photos of people who died from syphilis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, here's another one. | ||
| Old medicine is terrifying. | ||
| Oh, terrifying. | ||
| Terrifying. | ||
| Like, I just don't even know who became doctors back then. | ||
| They were like, I got this crazy idea that'll get rid of your blood and it's just more like... | ||
| They just practice on people. | ||
| Well, that's where wigs came from. | ||
| You know, like when you used to see old, like rich dudes wearing wigs? | ||
| That was from syphilis. | ||
| People had syphilis. | ||
| Oh, you mean our founding fathers? | ||
| This lady's face is falling off from syphilis. | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| Shouldn't be a whore. | ||
| Yeah, well, you know what? | ||
| Look at that one down the middle. | ||
| Look at that guy in the middle with his nose. | ||
| That's from syphilis. | ||
| And he's still alive? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or is he dead there? | ||
| No, he's dying. | ||
| I mean, he's not still alive today. | ||
| But look at him. | ||
| He looks like, look at his right eye. | ||
| His left eye is still normal. | ||
| He's probably like, I shouldn't have fucked that whore. | ||
| That's one of those things. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's like, God damn it. | ||
| I can't believe I've got a fucking hole in my head. | ||
| He's just like, he just keeps walking around being like, it was worth it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Oh yeah, I came so hard. | ||
| Fuck this face. | ||
| But the wig thing came from France. | ||
| It came from... | ||
| That's why, like, the expression big wig, the more money you had, the bigger the wig you got. | ||
| And it all came from these royal guys. | ||
| I think they were cousins. | ||
| Royalty, but they had syphilis. | ||
| Their fucking hair was falling out, so they had wigs made. | ||
| And so because these guys were the shit, they're, like, basically the male Kardashians of the day. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Everybody started copying them, and probably a bunch of other people had syphilis as well. | ||
| Their hair was falling out, so they all got wigs. | ||
| So when you see a bunch of people in the old days that were in court, and how the judge and everyone would wear powdered wigs, all that started because of syphilis. | ||
| You know, that's first of all, hilarious to think that everyone was like in court and they're like, so how's your syphilis? | ||
| They didn't even know what it was. | ||
| They barely knew what syphilis was. | ||
| I got a hole in the head disease. | ||
| Yeah, I got a nose gone disease. | ||
| I just lost all my hair, but look at this wig. | ||
| I'm pimping. | ||
| There's also, do you know, you ever watch like British crime dramas? | ||
| Yes, I have. | ||
| They still wear those wigs. | ||
| For court. | ||
| For court. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm basing British crime dramas on what I think they actually still do in Britain. | ||
| I wonder if they do. | ||
| I feel like they do it on TV. They must still do it. | ||
| They must. | ||
| In court. | ||
| I wonder when they stopped doing it over here. | ||
| When they were like, enough. | ||
| Who's the last guy who wore a wig? | ||
| Fuck you, I'm keeping it. | ||
| Who was the last guy who kept the powdered wig over here? | ||
| Yeah, he was definitely a bald guy. | ||
| Look, look, look. | ||
| Look at these assholes. | ||
| Oh my god, that is crazy. | ||
| Those are terrible wigs, too. | ||
| Those are not even kind of wigs. | ||
| It's like a hat. | ||
| It looks like a little carpet. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't look like anybody's head. | ||
| It looks like a little floor mat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like a sheep. | |
| That's like a really well cared for and groomed sheep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like when someone loves their sheep and they brush it. | ||
| My uncle's a sheep farmer. | ||
| For real? | ||
| For real. | ||
| In Pennsylvania? | ||
| In Ohio. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Look at these guys. | ||
| This is today. | ||
| They're Tories. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's a Tory? | ||
| Is that a lawyer? | ||
| It's one of their parties. | ||
| Look at the fucking... | ||
| Look at those guys wearing those stupid wigs and everybody else is modern behind them and around them. | ||
| They're just wearing a wig, but they also pull out their phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They got that stupid old wig on. | |
| What's that? | ||
| A little white bow tie they have to wear, too. | ||
| Oh, a little white bow tie. | ||
| What's going on in the back of his head? | ||
| The guy on the far right? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It looks like a tail. | ||
| Like he's got a rat tail. | ||
| Is that other guy? | ||
| Is the guy behind him picking his nose? | ||
| I hope so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, he is. | |
| Yes, he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You are correct. | |
| That's why you don't get a wig, sir. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You dirty fuck. | |
| Picking your nose. | ||
| What happened to the picture? | ||
| I accidentally dragged it and it disappeared. | ||
| Yeah, so this is fairly recent. | ||
| I mean, it's modern color photography. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm pretty sure they still do it. | |
| This is 2019, so... | ||
| So look at the old picture down there, the painting, the bottom of the screen, right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's what they used to do. | ||
| Look at these weirdos. | ||
| Kind of looks like my hair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ho, ho. | |
| He's got a syphilis scar on his face. | ||
| He's got a hole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, great. | |
| You look into his cheek. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| But he's still probably nutting people. | ||
| Everything sexual back then had to be terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh, disgusting. | |
| The smells. | ||
| Ugh, so many smells. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| But people get horny enough, they don't care about smells. | ||
| That's why dudes in prison fuck dudes. | ||
| They get to a point, they're like, who cares? | ||
| God, I can't imagine. | ||
| Well, it's like, you only... | ||
| We have standards until, like, you get desperate. | ||
| You have standards until you don't have options. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh, that's a perfect way to phrase it. | |
| You nailed it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Quotes. | |
| You have standards until you don't have options. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| It's like, people get... | ||
| Look at these guys. | ||
| What the hell? | ||
| African judges still wear wigs. | ||
| I just kept scrolling and they started getting weirder. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Well, hold on. | ||
| This might be some social justice warrior stuff. | ||
| Click on that. | ||
| Why African judges still wearing wigs is a glaring symbol of British colonialism. | ||
| Well, of course it is, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| But also, if they still want to wear them, let them wear them. | ||
| They want to look cool. | ||
| Stop it, Opinion Brittany, or whoever this is. | ||
| Look how they did the top, though. | ||
| They kind of, like, fluffed out the top. | ||
| They made it a little different. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Had their own twist to it. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you know, you gotta put your own style. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I guess, like, having a judge wear... | ||
| Like, today, why do they wear those stupid fucking robes? | ||
| Those are outdated. | ||
| We're making fun of wigs, but we're not making fun of these goddamn wizard robes they wear. | ||
| Yeah, the robes are weird, too. | ||
| Like, the Supreme Court, they still wear the robes. | ||
| What do the women wear? | ||
| Do they wear that? | ||
| Look at this guy. | ||
| Hey, what's up? | ||
| That guy looks like... | ||
| I don't want it that long. | ||
| A little tight. | ||
| A little perm. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that's a character from an Eddie Murphy movie. | ||
| He's got a nice watch, though. | ||
| Look, he's got a nice watch, fat ring. | ||
| Do they wear the robes so that you can't tell? | ||
| If they're beaten off? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You can't tell if they have a boner? | ||
| I think they wear the robes to symbolize that there's something special. | ||
| That they're much more important than you. | ||
| I was thinking it was like to hide any sort of affiliation to anything. | ||
| That would be the charitable way of looking at it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think they wear the robes because they're mystical. | ||
| They're the ones who have control of the law. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We understand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We rule. | |
| Bang, bang, bang. | ||
| They have a hammer. | ||
| I would be a terrible judge because I wouldn't be able to just... | ||
| I'd be like, no, I just don't like this guy. | ||
| You'd be a comedy judge. | ||
| There was a bunch of those shows where they were trying to do them with comedians. | ||
| I actually did a pilot once way back in the day where it was like a comedy court... | ||
| I would love if we had comedy court. | ||
| The idea was that you're going to bring people in with disputes like, you stole his records, that kind of shit. | ||
| And then I would have to make a judgment. | ||
| And the judgment actually would stick. | ||
| So people that had small claims, they would go there. | ||
| And I think Dom Herrera did one too. | ||
| I think Dom Herrera did a pilot for one of those. | ||
| There was a few of those floating around for a while. | ||
| I think it'd be fun if we had comedy court now, but in the way where a lot of us comedians got to decide if you get to stay in comedy or not. | ||
| It's like, no, no, you've been doing too much social justice stuff. | ||
| You're barred for the next six months. | ||
| Get back to writing jokes. | ||
| If you criticize someone for something, and then we can pull up you doing that exact same kind of joke. | ||
| Like, if you get real social justice-y about a bit, and then we go, oh, look at this dick. | ||
| Ten years ago, you fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You did the exact same jokes. | ||
| I mean, that's what people do on Twitter all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It's my favorite. | ||
| It's so great because people are like, yeah, I can't believe you do this. | ||
| It's so racist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then, of course, minutes later, it's like, again, so are these times you use the N-word back in 2012. Well, back in the early days of Twitter, no one totally understood what it was. | |
| Well, for me, I still had a day job, and I used it every day. | ||
| I just wrote jokes all of the time. | ||
| Just constantly, I'd read news stories, and I'd practice joke writing. | ||
| I had five followers, and I was brand new to stand-up. | ||
| It was nothing. | ||
| And then it became a place of importance, and I was like, I've got to delete everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everything. | |
| Once you start getting actual gigs, you're like, oh no, this could fuck me. | ||
| And then you've got to wonder, today people just store and wait. | ||
| They'll store and wait for you to get something. | ||
| Oh, Comedy Central wants to give you a show? | ||
| I wonder if they know about this. | ||
| Michelle, you fucking piece of shit. | ||
| Look what you said. | ||
| It's like, come on. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's also, back then, no one understood what it was. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, they didn't understand what they were doing. | ||
| So, it's like you thought you were talking shit to friends. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like, Ashton Kutcher was, like, the first guy with Twitter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, we didn't think, no one knew. | ||
| And that was during, like, the heyday of Punk'd. | ||
| We didn't know this was going to turn into a thing where it would cause the spring rebellion in Egypt or whatever. | ||
| You remember when it would be your at Michelle Wolf is eating pizza? | ||
| It was a weird way of communicating. | ||
| You wouldn't say just stuff. | ||
| You would always say the at thing is doing something. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It was real weird. | ||
| Like, Jamie Vernon is working right now. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, that would be a real tweet. | ||
| It was like a status update. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Almost. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| And then, you know, somewhere along the line, it was like, this guy touched my tit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then it became like a reporting. | ||
| And then it was like news. | ||
| There was some breaking, some rebellion in some foreign country. | ||
| People would be tweeting updates. | ||
| You've been paying attention to Hong Kong? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| The videos from Hong Kong, they have not stopped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're still going strong. | ||
| The crazy thing is you heard a little bit about it in America. | ||
| And then when the NBA stuff happened, they were finally like... | ||
| Then everyone heard about Hong Kong and you were like, wait, it took basketball to get this to make the news? | ||
| And even then it was still SportsCenter? | ||
| Well, it was people who didn't want to criticize China. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at that fucking photo. | ||
| But also, I gotta say, again, shout out to China is... | ||
| As soon as the basketball stuff started happening, the next morning they were painting over murals and taking things down. | ||
| I was like, these guys do not fuck around. | ||
| What was the controversy? | ||
| It was like a GM or something from the Houston Rockets. | ||
| He tweeted something in support of the Hong Kong protests. | ||
| And China immediately was like... | ||
| Nope. | ||
| No more NBA. We're not putting it on the TV. And the thing is, a lot of NBA players have huge shoe deals and other endorsement deals in China. | ||
| And they might have an entirely separate shoe deal in China that's making them millions of dollars. | ||
| And so the players were sort of like, hey, let's backtrack on this a little bit. | ||
| They did backtrack, right? | ||
| Human rights are not that important. | ||
| What's really important is Nike. | ||
| Listen, I got it. | ||
| China is at least a little bit upfront that they don't care about human rights. | ||
| Sort of, right? | ||
| Here we kind of gloss over it. | ||
| It's like we go an extra step to pretend that we care about human rights, but we're not the best at it either. | ||
| We're not the best. | ||
| We might be the best. | ||
| Of the big countries? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Who's better? | ||
| Canada? | ||
| Canada. | ||
| Maybe, but they're weird. | ||
| They have human rights councils. | ||
| They don't have First Amendment laws. | ||
| Yeah, you can get in trouble if you're saying stuff. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Well, you know that kid Mike Ward? | ||
| That comic? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He just lost his case where he's supposed to pay $35,000 because he made a joke about... | ||
| There was a kid who was sick... | ||
| And everybody donated money and then like a bunch of years later the kid was still alive and he made a joke like, can I get my fucking money back? | ||
| How's that kid still alive? | ||
| See? | ||
| It was a pretty good joke. | ||
| I mean obviously he didn't really mean it. | ||
| It's not a statement. | ||
| He's not saying this like... | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's being funny. | ||
| He's being a stand-up comedian. | ||
| That's what he does. | ||
| And they fucking sued him and they won. | ||
| And so this has been going on forever. | ||
| Mike was on my podcast Two years ago? | ||
| Three years? | ||
| How many years ago, Jamie? | ||
| I don't think it was at this spot, was it? | ||
| I think it was the old spot. | ||
| It was a year ago? | ||
| Okay, so it was at this spot. | ||
| And it was still going on. | ||
| And he just recently lost. | ||
| So it started, I believe, two years before that. | ||
| So it's been going on for several years. | ||
| You and Ari actually talked about it in 2016 or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, I remember there was one year in Montreal that people were talking about it. | ||
| Yes, it was a big deal. | ||
| I mean, Canada's weird. | ||
| There was another comic who got heckled by this... | ||
| They were in... | ||
| I think this was in Vancouver in... | ||
| They were at a Yuck Yucks, I think. | ||
| Maybe I'm making this up. | ||
| I don't remember where it was. | ||
| But someone was on stage, and this lesbian couple was heckling. | ||
| And they were heckling a bunch of comedians. | ||
| He got up and called them a bunch of dykes and said some crazy shit to them. | ||
| And they fucking... | ||
| I was like, heckles out of context are so funny. | ||
| It was a lesbian, called them a bunch of dykes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like... | |
| Well, you know, people get drunk and they yell stuff out at comedy clubs and it was disruptive. | ||
| So that comic wound up having to pay money too. | ||
| That comic got sued. | ||
| I think he lost, I want to say it was a lot of money. | ||
| I want to say it was like $100,000 or something crazy. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's also, like, I don't know. | ||
| I don't like any time a comic is taken seriously. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, in that time... | ||
| See, the thing is, heckles... | ||
| It's like, is this comedy anymore? | ||
| Like, what's going on here? | ||
| Is there someone just... | ||
| If someone's yelling at you while you're on stage, they're disrupting your work. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then your job is to make fun of them. | ||
| But if you just decide, listen, you fucking fat slob. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, oh my god, he called me fat! | ||
| Like, is that funny? | ||
| Also, are you fat? | ||
| Are you fat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Are you a big old bulldog? | ||
| Did you hear about Elon's case that he won? | ||
| This is kind of on the same topic. | ||
| The pedo guy case. | ||
| We're arguing that was a joke. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Not serious. | ||
| You know why Elon won? | ||
| Because he's got 28 billion dollars. | ||
| That's why he won. | ||
| And because wherever that dude was in Thailand, they want some dope cars. | ||
| He's like, oh, I'll make you a deal. | ||
| He's like, I'll give you those trucks. | ||
| Totally cool. | ||
| I promise their windows don't break. | ||
| Have you ever seen Kyle Dunnigan's face... | ||
| Do you know Kyle Dunnigan's face swap videos with Elon? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Holy shit, they're good. | ||
| I love everything Kyle does. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| The best Instagram page by far. | ||
| One of my favorites is when he does the what's up chicken butt to his mom. | ||
| How about Catty Daddy? | ||
| Catty Daddy. | ||
| With Annie? | ||
| With Annie Letterman? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so funny. | |
| Holy shit, is it funny? | ||
| Annie plays his daughter, and he plays this, like, weirdly effeminate, probably gay dad who's just, like, really gossipy. | ||
| But he, like, talks about having sex with women. | ||
| You know, like, it's just, like... | ||
| But he's, like, always gossipy about, like, celebrities and stuff. | ||
| Like, oh my god, it's so funny. | ||
| It's so perfect. | ||
| But it's Caitlyn Jenner's, the best. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's Caitlyn Jenner's, that's the coupe de gras. | ||
| Yeah, I love it. | ||
| You know, Comedy Central, this is how... | ||
| Fucking goofy they are over there. | ||
| They were gonna give him a show, you know, like a face swap show. | ||
| He's gonna do a face swap show. | ||
| It would've been the best fucking show on their network. | ||
| But they were so bad in terms of like cutting controversial stuff out. | ||
| He had Caitlyn Jenner fucking Donald Trump. | ||
| Like she was riding Donald Trump, you know, because he does a great Donald Trump too. | ||
| And he showed it to me. | ||
| I was in tears, in tears. | ||
| He goes, they cut this. | ||
| I go, what?! | ||
| He goes, they said no to this. | ||
| I go, no! | ||
| He goes, yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go, no! | |
| What was the reason behind it? | ||
| Too controversial. | ||
| You can't make fun of trans people. | ||
| But you're not making fun of... | ||
| You're making fun of trans people. | ||
| Trans people are allowed to have sex with the president, too. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| You're mocking trans. | ||
| You're mocking people. | ||
| I think you're lifting up trans people. | ||
| Yeah, because she's on top. | ||
| She's fucking the shit out of Trump. | ||
| She's fucking Trump. | ||
| I think that's a pretty good look for a trans person, you know? | ||
| It's not the worst look. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It could be worse. | ||
| I mean, and I think she was a Republican. | ||
| Yeah, Caitlin's a Republican. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My favorite part was when, you know, there was the whole thing I was, you know, when all this was going on and she was winning Women of the Year, I go, do you understand that she's against gay marriage? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And gay friends of mine were like, what? | ||
| I go, do you understand this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you understand this? | ||
| Just, I want you to stop and pause before you decide this is a hero. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want you to look into this. | ||
| This is a moron. | ||
| You have a moron who just happens to be transgender. | ||
| And just because she's a famous moron does not mean she's anything other than a moron. | ||
| Yeah, she's still not good. | ||
| This was her response. | ||
| Why are you against gay marriage? | ||
| Well, I guess I'm just kind of a traditional girl. | ||
| She really said that. | ||
| Traditional girl? | ||
| This is where I wish we could get to with some of this stuff, is that you can be like, yes, I appreciate and respect everything about you being able to be trans. | ||
| I do not like you. | ||
| It's not because you're trans. | ||
| It has nothing to do with you being trans. | ||
| I don't like you as a person. | ||
| I think you're a bad person. | ||
| I don't know if she's a bad person. | ||
| I just think she's kind of a dumb. | ||
| But that's where I wish we could get to. | ||
| Where it's like, no, no, no. | ||
| This isn't about being anything, whatever the hot button issue that you are. | ||
| It's like, no, you're just still a shitty person. | ||
| Well, this is where the loophole has gone into women in sports. | ||
| That's where it's gone in. | ||
| This drives me crazy. | ||
| It should drive you crazy. | ||
| It drives me crazy, too. | ||
| Biological women are getting fucked. | ||
| They're getting fucked over. | ||
| And they're not getting fucked like Trump with Caitlyn on top. | ||
| They're getting fucked the worst way. | ||
| And they're finally starting to step back. | ||
| The Olympic weightlifting, the people who do powerlifting tournaments, they stopped it. | ||
| They won't let transgender women enter in and pretend to be a biological woman anymore. | ||
| Well, and there's one thing that women have to, in order to fight this correctly, women have to admit that men are physically stronger than us. | ||
| And they 100% are. | ||
| Men are stronger than women. | ||
| But that's a crazy thing to say. | ||
| That's like admitting that women can have babies and men can't. | ||
| It's like, these are biological facts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course! | |
| But there's a thing, like, I mean, I've gotten into fights with people about Serena Williams, and they're saying, like, well, she could beat any man, and I'm like, she literally can't. | ||
| She can't. | ||
| The last time she... | ||
| I'm not saying she's not great, but the last time she played against a man, he was like some guy who drinks and like... | ||
| He was like rake 600th, was like drinking, whatever. | ||
| He stomped her. | ||
| And she's still lost. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And this was back a couple years ago when she was like really at her peak. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not fair. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| Like I say this all the time, it's like... | ||
| I love track, right? | ||
| But in high jump, the best woman in the world right now is jumping about 6'7". | ||
| The best man in the world is jumping 7'11". | ||
| That's close. | ||
| Close enough. | ||
| Let her in. | ||
| Put a skirt on her. | ||
| You know who else was jumping 6'7"? | ||
| My friend Graham when we were in high school. | ||
| He's an architect now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He jumped 6'7"? | ||
| He jumped 6'7". | ||
| And he was a good high jumper. | ||
| He went to a D1 school for it. | ||
| But he... | ||
| He would have been a world record holder if he was a woman. | ||
| World record holder. | ||
| Well, that's happening now. | ||
| You're getting world record holders now, in weightlifting in particular, where they're trans women. | ||
| It's not fair. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It was in fighting for a while. | ||
| There was a girl who was a man for 32 years, became a I didn't understand how far... | ||
| This whole PC progressive culture had gotten in terms of completely off the rails and not looking at things accurately. | ||
| I was like, come on, you've got to be objective. | ||
| I'm not saying people can't be trans, but what I'm saying is you can't not tell someone. | ||
| By the way, I'm 100% for a woman fighting a man if she wants to. | ||
| If they weigh the same and she decides. | ||
| I don't think it's smart. | ||
| I think it's very dangerous. | ||
| But some women can. | ||
| There's a woman who's fighting for the title this weekend, Jermaine Durandamy. | ||
| She's a... | ||
| See if you can find the video of Jermaine Durandamy fighting. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| And she's fighting for the bantamweight title this weekend in Vegas. | ||
| This is her. | ||
| This is her fucking up a dude. | ||
| See, now this, she just calculatedly decided that she was a better fighter than this guy and knew that, look at this, fucking this dude up! | ||
| But he's trying. | ||
| He still clubbed her in the back of the head there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dangerous. | ||
| Fucking dangerous. | ||
| See, he's getting in trouble for clubbing her in the back of the head. | ||
| But she had a boxing match with this guy and fucking flattened him. | ||
| How is that guy ranked anything? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know the specifics behind it, but it's super risky for a woman to fight a man. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But she wanted the challenge, and I completely support it. | ||
| Go to where she flattens him. | ||
| See, this dude is fucking dangerous, but she's a super high-level fighter. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Right there, son. | ||
| Out go the lights. | ||
| You just got flatlined by a woman, kid. | ||
| Watch that again. | ||
| Back that up again. | ||
| But you're talking about a guy who's just a schmo. | ||
| I mean, not a bad fighter. | ||
| Knows how to punch, but that's a world champion. | ||
| If Jermaine Durand wants to do that, I wouldn't say she couldn't do it. | ||
| You do whatever you want. | ||
| But the idea that you can not tell someone that you were a man for 30 years. | ||
| I got into a conversation with this on Twitter back when I used to get in conversations with people. | ||
| Best time of your life. | ||
| This lady actually said this to me. | ||
| She goes, she's always been a woman. | ||
| And I go, even when she fathered a child? | ||
| And she goes, even then. | ||
| I go, we're done. | ||
| We're done. | ||
| We're in crazy town. | ||
| Now you're just making things up. | ||
| Mentally, yes. | ||
| Maybe she was always a woman mentally. | ||
| But physically, you weren't. | ||
| So it's the same thing. | ||
| What does that mean, mentally? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I guess you felt inside that you were always supposed to be a woman. | ||
| I think you're probably saying the wrong words anyway. | ||
| But now she's a lesbian. | ||
| So she's into women. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's such a complicated, like, and the thing is, this is what bothers me, is that you can't even question or have any discussions around it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Where it's just like, no, I want to know and I want to be better, but I need help understanding. | ||
| Even the language you use, I want to be better. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I want to be better. | ||
| Be better. | ||
| Like, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Be better, Michelle. | ||
| Be best. | ||
| But, yeah, I mean, like, I don't, like, yeah, I want people to live whatever way they want to live. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But help me a little bit here. | ||
| Like, I don't know. | ||
| And I don't even know how to look it up online. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| You're not allowed to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If they find out what you're searching, they'll come for you. | ||
| They'll come for you and take away your woke past. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now you can't have another special because you Googled... | ||
| Are you allowed to be a lesbian? | ||
| Well, people literally have gotten massive blowback on their careers because of that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, because of questioning whether or not trans people can fight. | ||
| I mean, Ronda Rousey got a ton of shit when she was saying she didn't think trans women should be able to fight regular women in MMA or biological women, whatever you want to call it. | ||
| If you didn't even say regular women, like, you piece of shit. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| She is a regular woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Everybody's so angry. | ||
| And it's such a mob thing, too. | ||
| It's funny because these are the people that don't want bullies. | ||
| It's like the same people, progressive people, are the ones who are anti-bullying. | ||
| Oh, they bully just as much. | ||
| More. | ||
| They bully each other. | ||
| You can't be woke enough. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| Because they're just feeding off of each other. | ||
| Like, I used to have piranhas, okay? | ||
| And one of the things that happens with piranhas is when one of them gets sick, the other ones fuck them up. | ||
| They cannibalize each other all the time. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| What an animal. | ||
| Oh, they're so crazy. | ||
| Like, one of them, you'd see one of them have, like, a little slight wiggle to them, and they'd be like, hmm. | ||
| And they'd just eat them? | ||
| Yeah, they'd eat them. | ||
| Fuck them up. | ||
| I'd come home and half a piranha would be at the bottom of the tank. | ||
| I'd be like, oh, you fucking creeps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| So I'd have to scoop it out. | ||
| I had a hamster that ate the other hamster once. | ||
| Oh, I had that happen when I was a little kid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They had a wet tail. | ||
| It was like a disease. | ||
| I don't know, but it's a weird thing to walk home to when you're five. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Her name was Fluffy and she was eating her babies. | ||
| She was eating her babies. | ||
| We came home. | ||
| She was like a bloody fucking baby. | ||
| She's holding on to the baby's head and just chewing up. | ||
| Like, what in the fuck kind of pet is this? | ||
| And there was no warning. | ||
| Yeah, that was it for me for hamsters. | ||
| There was no Google back then. | ||
| So I was like, what is happening here? | ||
| I guess I got to go to the library and look this up in the encyclopedia to see if it's a thing. | ||
| Why is my hamster eating its baby's head like it's a fucking ripe tomato? | ||
| Ugh, it was so disgusting. | ||
| It was so disgusting. | ||
| It was burned into my head. | ||
| I was like seven years old. | ||
| I was like, holy shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How did we get to that? | ||
| Oh, we were talking about woke people. | ||
| Oh, piranhas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Piranhas, yeah. | |
| That's what they're like. | ||
| When one steps out of line, even when woke people, they don't say, hey, Sheila's a good person. | ||
| She just misspoke. | ||
| And Sheila's like, I'm sorry. | ||
| I didn't really mean it that way. | ||
| It came out wrong. | ||
| And everybody's like, that's cool. | ||
| This is what's important. | ||
| Kindness. | ||
| That's what's important. | ||
| No, it's like, fuck Sheila. | ||
| And fuck white people. | ||
| And fuck the patriarchy. | ||
| And fuck Like, whoa! | ||
| It goes from we support you to burn it to the ground. | ||
| Burn it to the ground. | ||
| Burn it. | ||
| She can have nothing anymore. | ||
| And everyone's trying to stand out as being, like, ultra-progressive and hardcore with it. | ||
| So everyone's, like, making these hard stances on Twitter where it's, like, so aggressive. | ||
| I think, though, that my theory behind it is that we've always liked, as a human, we've always liked to watch people die. | ||
| Whether it's figuratively or literally. | ||
| Because we used to do Gladiator when people got beheaded or burned at the stake. | ||
| That was a thing. | ||
| Everyone came to that from the town. | ||
| And they were all just like, yeah, because in that moment, your life isn't as bad as the person who's getting burned. | ||
| And I think that's what people are... | ||
| People just want to feel powerful. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| They're online and they're like, oh, I can take down this person. | ||
| And it's like... | ||
| Did you really do anything today? | ||
| Did you really just destroy someone's life who was trying to be a good person? | ||
| I don't know, go after companies using plastic or something like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| There is a thing to that, right? | ||
| When anyone steps out of line publicly and then people start attacking them, this is not like a personal issue to them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's not like this person that did this thing, it's like really affects your life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But the amount of energy that people put into it and the amount of time, like when people want to go dig up those old tweets and want to find out things that you said or, you know, and this, it is similar to that feeling of watching a public execution. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right. | ||
| Like, hang him! | ||
| Hang him! | ||
| And everyone's so excited for it to happen. | ||
| Like, they're just, they pile on. | ||
| They'll go on your Instagram, leave tons and tons of, like, terrible comments. | ||
| You're getting cancelled! | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| And it's like, okay, good. | ||
| Did you really feel, does that make your day better? | ||
| What are you making a face for, Jeremy? | ||
| I just found something dark as you guys were talking about this. | ||
| About hamsters eating their kids? | ||
| The last public hanging, there was like a huge media event, like 20,000 people traveled to Kentucky to watch it happen. | ||
| To see a white woman hang a black man. | ||
| She was the local sheriff and she didn't go through with it because of probably the attention. | ||
| So some eager volunteers did it. | ||
| And while this was all going on, there was like a media circus. | ||
| People were eating hot dogs, drinking lemonade, camping out overnight. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It was a huge event. | ||
| And it was 1936. Oh boy. | ||
| What did they say he did? | ||
| That's what I was looking for before. | ||
| It said up there, scroll up. | ||
| It said he wanted for the rape of a 70-year-old woman. | ||
| That was the woman. | ||
| Go scroll up. | ||
| Scroll up. | ||
| A little higher. | ||
| I think he was talking. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, see, Bethesda confessed to the rape and murder of a 70-year-old Lishi Edwards, a capital crime under Kentucky law, and one that fell upon the local sheriff to punish. | ||
| I could appoint the deputy sheriff to deputize any citizen to spring the trap, Thompson told reporters as she stoically resigned herself to the role. | ||
| But to do that would inflict an unpleasant job upon someone else. | ||
| So she decided this disgusting job, she was going to do it, and then decided not to. | ||
| Oh, the first female executioner. | ||
| And then she couldn't do it. | ||
| Not a good look for women. | ||
| The problem with those, anything post-slavery, post-1865, there were so many crimes that people were arrested for that were nothing, where men were being forced to do labor. | ||
| So what would happen was, because of the fact that slavery was now abolished, These men would be loitering, right? | ||
| People didn't know what the fuck to do. | ||
| Like, imagine you're a slave your whole life. | ||
| You grew up a slave, and then all of a sudden you're free. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck? | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| Well, they would just arrest you and then make you do hard labor in jail for nothing. | ||
| Yeah, they essentially figured out how to make slavery legal again. | ||
| And they did it for decades. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, they still sort of do it today. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, when you make a guy work in jail for a dollar a day, whatever the fuck they pay, how is that not slavery? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Were you giving him gruel? | ||
| What are you giving him? | ||
| White bread and fucking shitty meatloaf? | ||
| What are you feeding him? | ||
| It's one of those things where I'm like... | ||
| We get so mad at a lot of the current stuff that's happening with what we're supposed to be saying, the right pronouns to use, all that stuff. | ||
| And it's like, yeah, okay, I'll try to say the right pronouns. | ||
| That's a pretty easy fix. | ||
| How about we go back and kind of correct some of this 400 years of slavery and oppression that we did for black people? | ||
| Oh, is it because it's harder to do? | ||
| Yeah, pronouns are easy. | ||
| It's not a solvable problem. | ||
| They, them is easy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Captain Pink Hair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think the real problem is these communities, they've never recovered. | ||
| Like places like Baltimore, there's certain communities that have been the same forever. | ||
| And South Side of Chicago is another one, right? | ||
| There's these communities that they're just, they're fucked with, riddled with crime and drugs and so many people in and out of jail and this constant recidivism rate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You grow up there, you're in that system. | ||
| You may be in a terrible public school. | ||
| You have to work as early as you can. | ||
| Gangs everywhere, drugs. | ||
| I mean, the people that are heroes in your neighborhood are drug dealers. | ||
| So how do you fix that? | ||
| Boy, there's no effort put to that in terms of like a systematic national effort on the federal level to step in and do something to these communities and do it on a scale that we do in other countries when we bomb the fuck out of them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And also just admit that we're racist. | ||
| Like, when an apartheid, after apartheid happened, they had like a day, there was a couple days of reckoning or whatever it was called, where everyone went up and they were like, these are the things I did. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These are the things I did. | ||
| These are like the laws I broke. | ||
| And it was like this like terrible, like, cathartic, admit to your racism. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| And then let's try to heal after that. | ||
| And then we're all just like, no, we're not racist. | ||
| And I'm like, we're pretty racist. | ||
| Well, some people are racist, but what's racist is that these communities suffered under a system that was completely imposed because of racism. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| In the 1800s and then in the early 1900s and during the civil rights era. | ||
| This is all, I mean, there's no denying that it's the echoes of at least... | ||
| Ancient racism that needs to be somehow or another addressed. | ||
| But I mean, how do you address that? | ||
| Some people want reparations, and the idea of it makes sense, right? | ||
| Clearly, someone profited, right? | ||
| To this day, there's corporations. | ||
| You can trace their money back to slavery. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Well, it seems like they should pay something. | ||
| Yeah, they should pay a little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How did you guys get rich? | |
| Like, if you look at a giant plantation, and they used to have slaves, and they profited off those slaves, and that plantation is somehow or another still in operation today. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I don't know if that's the case. | ||
| But if it was, like, uh, where'd you get your money? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| And then how do you go about giving it back to people? | ||
| How do you give it back? | ||
| Who do you give it back to? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you give it back to the ancestors of the people who were slaves? | ||
| And the problem is, like, if you give people money, I don't think it fixes the problem. | ||
| I think to fix the problem, there has to be some sort of... | ||
| I mean, we've beaten this horse to death on the show, unfortunately. | ||
| And I don't have any solutions. | ||
| No one ever has one. | ||
| I don't know what it would be, but I think there has to be some way... | ||
| To clean up communities. | ||
| And I don't know how you would do that. | ||
| I mean, I have no idea. | ||
| How do you go to a place like... | ||
| South Side of Chicago has more murders than Afghanistan. | ||
| I mean, it's bad there. | ||
| It's fucking bad. | ||
| Am I making that up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not making that up. | |
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think you're right. | ||
| But that's the thing. | ||
| This is such an unsolvable problem, and the stuff that people go after on Twitter, like the social justice stuff, is so easy to do. | ||
| And it's like, yeah, of course that's what you're going to like. | ||
| You can have a hard day or whatever shitty job you have, and then you come home, you see someone got mad at something or did something wrong, and you get to be like, yeah, this person, you're canceled. | ||
| And then you close your computer or whatever, or you watch people retweet it. | ||
| And you're like, I did do something today. | ||
| I'm an activist. | ||
| Yeah, I'm an activist. | ||
| I'm an online activist. | ||
| Yes, activist. | ||
| And I have power. | ||
| I'm an educator. | ||
| I contributed. | ||
| Yes, contributing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a weird tool. | ||
| It's a great tool sometimes. | ||
| Twitter is great for just getting out information. | ||
| Letting people know about something. | ||
| When I use it mostly, I find cool stories. | ||
| If I read some cool article, like I was reading some article about China has made pig-monkey hybrids. | ||
| Cut! | ||
| China! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they've successfully made these pig-monkey hybrids. | ||
| What did they look like? | ||
| They didn't show. | ||
| They showed a picture of a pig fetus. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it was just a regular pig fetus. | ||
| But they didn't stay alive very long. | ||
| The idea is they want to get to a point. | ||
| Was it pig-human or pig-monkey? | ||
| I think it was Pig Monkey. | ||
| I think you tweeted it was Pig Monkey. | ||
| They do a Pig Monkey. | ||
| That's what we've heard about, yeah. | ||
| Alex Jones says they're doing Pig Humans. | ||
| I bet he's right. | ||
| I guarantee he's right. | ||
| They do Pig Monkey and then just like a little baby boy is born. | ||
| You're like, you little pig. | ||
| Is that what we are? | ||
| Are we Pig Monkeys? | ||
| But I think what they're trying to do is develop... | ||
| Pigs, their hearts and a lot of their organs are very similar to ours. | ||
| And their digestive tract is very similar to ours. | ||
| There's certain tests they do on how things are digested, and they do them through pig stomachs. | ||
| Well, they do a lot of transplants with pigs now, too. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So I think the idea is eventually get to a point where you can get harvestable organs from pigs. | ||
| So they'd have some sort of a pig-human hybrid. | ||
| But you know someone's going to fuck one. | ||
| Someone's going to bring it home. | ||
| You've got some pig lady walking around your house. | ||
| Miss Piggy. | ||
| Cooking bacon for you. | ||
| It's got like a human vagina. | ||
| So is it? | ||
| A good one, too. | ||
| Real tight, like a drum. | ||
| Wait, where does that saying come from? | ||
| Like a drum. | ||
| Like your drum's pulled tight. | ||
| Oh, pulled tight. | ||
| Okay, sorry. | ||
| Sometimes I'm the dumbest person in the world. | ||
| But it's true, it's the wrong kind of tight. | ||
| I'm like, I'm looking, I was like, but drums have like a pretty big hole in the back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah, ridiculous. | |
| You know, you're 100% right. | ||
| Tight like a drum is a dumb way to describe a vagina, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think it, but I guess it is. | ||
| Unless there's like a weird covering over a vagina. | ||
| Tight like a fist, like a mason's fist, like a stone mason, someone who carries bricks every day and has fat, strong hands. | ||
| Tight like a... | ||
| Tight like a butthole. | ||
| Like a butthole. | ||
| Like a strong butthole. | ||
| Someone who squats a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if you can get a pig with a human vagina... | ||
| Well, that's... | ||
| People fuck sheep, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Isn't that the whole deal with sheep? | ||
| Yeah, in New Zealand, I think. | ||
| Is it supposed to be real close? | ||
| That's what they say. | ||
| Probably in Pennsylvania, too. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure in Pennsylvania. | ||
| It's not going to get carried away. | ||
| When people get... | ||
| Again, what you said, no options. | ||
| No standards. | ||
| Yeah, if you found out that no one was looking, they don't fuck sheep because it's gross. | ||
| They fuck sheep because the sheep's that high and they're right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they look around and... | ||
| What about that poor guy who's the exact right hype for a sheep? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, perfect. | |
| And he's got a boner. | ||
| And he's just like, oh, I don't even have to bend my knees at all. | ||
| What if the sheep's backing up into you too? | ||
| The sheep likes it. | ||
| Who's the victim? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, maybe the sheep was like... | ||
| Maybe the sheep keeps like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, the sheep likes it. | |
| Keeps nuzzling up against them. | ||
| Like a Lizzo dance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| I would love if that's that guy's defense in court. | ||
| He's just like, no, but you've got to look at this video. | ||
| You can't tell me the sheep's not into this. | ||
| Here's a video of me entering into the pen. | ||
| Now look, they're all back towards me. | ||
| Backwards. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They all just go right to his dick. | ||
| One of them is buying, I'm pretty sure, juice. | ||
| It's a ridiculous thing that people fuck animals. | ||
| But animals fuck people too. | ||
| You ever see dolphins? | ||
| Dolphins get a hold of people? | ||
| I've seen a video of that. | ||
| There's one of the dolphin that came up on a woman. | ||
| Start trying to fuck her. | ||
| There was an article. | ||
| It's the best trolling that has ever been done to me. | ||
| There was an article that said I was guilty of bestiality. | ||
| It said wolf guilty of bestiality and it was from my hometown newspaper, The Homestown Sun, which is a very small newspaper. | ||
| There's like three or four people that work there, I think. | ||
| But, like, it said that I was guilty of bestiality, and they did so much research. | ||
| Like, they got, like, the paper, the right paper. | ||
| They got, like, all this information about me. | ||
| And then the surprising thing was at the end of the article, it said I pled guilty, and the fine was $1,500. | ||
| And I was like, and it was about fucking dogs, that I was fucking dogs. | ||
| And I was like, well, if that was what I was into, $1,500, like... | ||
| It's kind of worth it. | ||
| Depends how much money you have and how big the dog's dick is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was also like, how is the dog... | ||
| Is the dog fucking me? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Is it like a peanut butter situation? | ||
| There's videos like that that existed before the internet. | ||
| There was a video, I think it was called Barnyard Betty. | ||
| It was me and my friend Billy and my friend Ron. | ||
| We went over to their house and it was in the basement. | ||
| I remember one of us had to guard the door in case someone came into the basement. | ||
| It was an old VHS tape. | ||
| So they put the VHS tape on and one of us had to stand by the doorway to the basement just to make sure that nobody opened the door and busted us. | ||
| And we watched this fucked up video of these trailer trash looking meth girls that were blowing donkeys and having sex with dogs. | ||
| One of them had sex with a German Shepherd. | ||
| It was so gross. | ||
| There was an episode of Nip Tuck where that happened. | ||
| Nip Tuck, I remember that show. | ||
| There was a woman, she put like peanut butter on her vagina and their dog would like lick it off. | ||
| Oh, that's real. | ||
| That happens all the time. | ||
| Yeah, and I was like, this is... | ||
| I remember I was kind of younger and I was like, that's a weird thing to put in TV. With a dog bites. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Lick, lick, lick, chomp. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's getting greedy. | ||
| It seems like a dangerous situation. | ||
| Yeah, if you had too many dogs, like you said, like, oh, one's not enough. | ||
| I wouldn't want to lick my butthole, too. | ||
| Oh, God! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Peanut butter down there, peanut butter on the vajayjay. | |
| This is so gross. | ||
| Whatever happened to that nip-tuck show? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it went off the rails a little bit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was one of those shows. | ||
| It started out real good. | ||
| And then after a while, you're like, wait, what? | ||
| What the fuck's happening here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like Dexter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dexter went way off the rails. | ||
| Like, it started out like, whoa, this is kind of a cool show. | ||
| Cool idea. | ||
| A guy who's like a good guy, serial killer? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then like four seasons in, you're like, hey, what are you doing? | ||
| Who wrote this one? | ||
| That happened with, I loved the show Scandal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I never saw that. | |
| And it was, I mean, it's just a, I mean, it's, It's not actually a great show, but I really did like it. | ||
| And the first couple seasons, I'm like, this is great, this is great. | ||
| Season three and four, I was like, this is crazy. | ||
| And then the end of it, I was like, okay, they brought it back around. | ||
| Well, the term jump the shark came from Fonzie jumping over a tank full of sharks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Literally, people were like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Have you ever met Henry Winkler? | ||
| I did, actually. | ||
| He might be the nicest guy alive. | ||
| He's so nice. | ||
| I saw him at the Emmys last year and he introduced himself to me, which I was like, this is the craziest thing. | ||
| I can't believe you know who I am. | ||
| Ah, that's weird, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Someone famous knows you? | ||
| And I was like, this is like, I mean, it's Henry Winkler. | ||
| Henry fucking Winkler. | ||
| Could not be further from the Fonz character. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, super sweet, really nice guy. | ||
| He wrote a book called I've Never Met an Idiot on the River. | ||
| It's about fly fishing. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| He loves fly fishing, apparently. | ||
| And he just wrote a book about fly fishing. | ||
| There's a lot of people who really like fly fishing. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but it's weird. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| The Fonz! | ||
| Oh, he jet skied over the shark? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I thought he was a motorcycle. | ||
| He was popping up. | ||
| He was skiing in a lake or something. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Of course he has his jacket on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| The Fonz! | ||
| Got a leather jacket on him. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's more unbelievable that he'd wear a leather jacket water skiing than jump over a bunch of sharks. | ||
| Well, how about he's got it in between his legs? | ||
| Look how he's doing that. | ||
| Go back to that original picture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, did Henry Winkler actually learn how to... | |
| That one you just had? | ||
| That's right here, too. | ||
| Yeah, but that's black and white. | ||
| That's too artsy. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Look, he's got it in between his legs. | ||
| That's the pole. | ||
| Wait, that looks like he's really doing that, too. | ||
| I bet he is. | ||
| Wow, good start work, Henry. | ||
| Hey! | ||
| I mean, they didn't have CGI back then. | ||
| He kind of had to do it. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| Up until the point where it actually flew through the air and then they got some rugged Brad Pitt from Once Upon a Time in Hollywood type dude. | ||
| I don't know where their actual picture was. | ||
| Is that the shark? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That moment has now jumped the shark as memes and stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So many jokes about it. | ||
| But it's crazy that it was such a bad episode that it became symbolic of a show going off the rails. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Show Jump the Shark. | ||
| I like a good two-season show. | ||
| I love a miniseries. | ||
| I love things that end. | ||
| Do you watch Maisel? | ||
| No. | ||
| I watched a little bit of it. | ||
| Okay, here's my problem with it. | ||
| I don't think the jokes are funny. | ||
| Well, it's contextual. | ||
| Yeah, and I get that, but it's like, I don't know. | ||
| I just have a hard time Listen, I've been watching a lot of Lenny Bruce over the last few months. | ||
| I found this one Lenny Bruce channel on YouTube. | ||
| It's got all of his old clips from various television performances. | ||
| They don't make me laugh. | ||
| I know he's the best. | ||
| I don't want to say he's the best, but he's the godfather of this thing that we do, that you and I both do. | ||
| He's the guy that started it. | ||
| He really is the guy who started talking about shit instead of just telling jokes. | ||
| He started talking about social problems, and why is this, and relationships, and sadness, and all kinds of weird stuff. | ||
| I mean, he developed a whole different kind of style of stand-up comedy. | ||
| But it's not funny because you're looking at something that happened in 1950 and 1960. It's just so hard for it to translate. | ||
| Comedy, unlike anything else, I don't know, though. | ||
| I do think there are some jokes that stand up. | ||
| Sure, sure. | ||
| I think there's some people that do it that even, you know... | ||
| 50 years from now, people will look back and be like, that joke's still funny. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, he had some of those. | ||
| Lenny Bruce had one joke that many comics have accidentally told since then, because they didn't know any better. | ||
| But it was about gay people, that being gay is against the law. | ||
| It's like, gay, it's against the law, dig? | ||
| So they put you in jail with a bunch of guys who want to have sex with you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It was great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But back then it murdered. | ||
| I mean, back then it was just a fucking nuclear bomb. | ||
| They're like, oh shit, that's so true. | ||
| I can't imagine being in the audience and hearing someone talk like that for the first time. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because the best comedy, I think, is things you... | ||
| As soon as someone says it, you're like, I have always thought that. | ||
| They're just vocalizing something you were never able to put together. | ||
| And that had to be that in that audience. | ||
| Them being like, yeah! | ||
| Well, people were so suppressed then. | ||
| I mean, that's the other thing about Lenny Bruce. | ||
| He went to jail multiple times. | ||
| I mean, he was arrested multiple times for telling jokes. | ||
| Just kept doing it. | ||
| Didn't give up. | ||
| Didn't say, well, this is obviously not smart. | ||
| He kept doing it. | ||
| He kept pushing the envelope. | ||
| George Carlin, same thing. | ||
| He went to jail for it, too. | ||
| That's real stand-ups, though. | ||
| You know, real stand-ups are ones that are just like, no, I have to do this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you don't do it for, like, a week and you're just, like, crawling out of your skin. | ||
| Also, the audience is ultimately supposed to be the judge of whether or not something's good. | ||
| And if that's not the case, then we're losing personal freedom. | ||
| We're not asking someone to, like... | ||
| You know, like, someone's not going on stage and saying, you know, I'm going to advocate that you murder someone. | ||
| Here's their address. | ||
| We're all going to do it together. | ||
| Let's meet up. | ||
| We're not talking about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| We're talking about someone cracking a joke and the audience laughs and they enjoy it. | ||
| And today, even today, when people get upset about someone's stand-up set and they try to cancel something and... | ||
| Listen to the audience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Was the audience laughing? | ||
| Well, they know it's a joke, right? | ||
| They're at a comedy show, so they know it's a joke and they were laughing. | ||
| Why do you have a problem with it? | ||
| You're not even there. | ||
| So you're just looking for problems? | ||
| Look at women in Saudi Arabia. | ||
| You want to look at real problems? | ||
| Look at real problems. | ||
| Why don't you speak out against that, you fucking cowards. | ||
| Yeah, again, it's hard. | ||
| It's easy. | ||
| I hate any time... | ||
| I'm in favor of a comic telling whatever joke they want. | ||
| And then the only way you're going to know it's funny is if you say it out loud to an audience. | ||
| And it might not be funny the first thousand times you say it until you figure it out. | ||
| Well, that was my giant issue with comics that were going after Louis after that set was leaked. | ||
| The only thing people should have been mad about that is that the set was leaked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That should have been like, you don't know where he's going to end up with that. | ||
| No! | ||
| He's known for doing... | ||
| Huge premises that you disagree with and then he convinces you why he's right. | ||
| In a very funny way. | ||
| And tongue in cheek. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's not like he really thinks that someone pushed a fat kid in front of a bullet and that's why they're talking in front of CNN. He'll figure out a way to make that work. | ||
| This is his first time doing stand-up in 10 months. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, let... | ||
| Let's see where the joke goes. | ||
| But you know that, and I know that, because that's what we do. | ||
| But there's a lot of people that don't even understand the mechanics of creating a joke. | ||
| A lot of times you'll go up and you'll have a premise, and you're like, God, I fucking know there's something. | ||
| He might eat shit with that joke for a couple months before it really starts catching. | ||
| Years maybe even. | ||
| There's always jokes I've had that now I'm coming back to because I wasn't ready to tell it then. | ||
| And now I'm getting back to it and I'm like, okay, maybe this direction. | ||
| Especially the harder the premise. | ||
| It's going to take a while. | ||
| People have no idea how hard it is to write jokes. | ||
| Well, that's Ari's entire new hour that he's doing. | ||
| His whole new hour is called Jew. | ||
| He grew up Orthodox Jewish. | ||
| He had to go to Israel and take religious classes all day, studying the Talmud fucking 10, 12 hours a day. | ||
| He was doing the whole deal. | ||
| And his whole hour now is about this. | ||
| And we had talked about him doing bits about that years and years ago. | ||
| But he's like, I wasn't ready. | ||
| Because my stand-up wasn't good enough yet. | ||
| I didn't understand how to craft a joke yet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I mean, it takes a while to get there. | ||
| And especially stuff that's personal like that to you. | ||
| And like, you want to do it justice. | ||
| You only get to tell that story once on stage. | ||
| And then once you do those jokes, hopefully they were good enough because you're really not going to get to revisit them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For you to go back over your like, hey, I put an album out 10 years ago and it kind of sucks. | ||
| So I'm going to redo all those bits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Please don't go back and listen to the roots until after you see the second version. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| There's some premises I would like to go back. | ||
| Redo. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God, that one. | ||
| I could have done so much more with that. | ||
| I feel like sometimes, though, I feel sometimes you can show kind of your evolution by redoing some stuff a little bit, but you can't. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, you can show your evolution. | ||
| You can do whatever you want. | ||
| Look, Jerry Seinfeld still does old jokes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, they're perfectly good jokes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why would I throw them away? | |
| I mean, he's done that a couple times for specials, right? | ||
| Didn't he do the Netflix special and an HBO special? | ||
| I'm telling you for the last time, I think that was HBO, right? | ||
| That was all his old stuff. | ||
| And then I think he did a Netflix special that was very similar. | ||
| It was like he went through his old notes. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I think now, I think they made a multiple special deal with him or something like that, and now he's putting together his new one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm dying to see Eddie Murphy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I want to see him work out. | ||
| I want to see it work out. | ||
| There was a rumor that he was going to be at the store. | ||
| We were all freaking out. | ||
| We were ready to go down. | ||
| It was a Sunday night. | ||
| It turned out to be Damon Wayans. | ||
| But there was a rumor that a legend... | ||
| Still funny. | ||
| Still fucking awesome. | ||
| Damon's another one. | ||
| He, to me, is like one of the most unheralded of the great comics from the 90s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he was actually really funny, too. | ||
| I saw him recently at the lab in the improv. | ||
| So he hasn't done stand-up or anything in a long time. | ||
| And so he's starting to go and do it again, and then there was this rumor that someone, some star who hasn't done stand-up in a long time is going to do stand-up at the store in the belly room. | ||
| And everybody's texting everybody, is fucking Eddie Murphy going to the goddamn comedy store? | ||
| Is that really happening? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And we were all going to go down there and watch, but it turned out to be Damon. | ||
| I'd love to see Eddie working it out. | ||
| Yeah, I want to see him first time on stage. | ||
| I want to see middle. | ||
| I want to see like... | ||
| The middle? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want to see like a couple of times. | ||
| I want to see the first words out of his mouth. | ||
| Two months in and then like six months in. | ||
| Do you think he's going to do it? | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| I really want to... | ||
| I mean like... | ||
| I... I don't know. | ||
| I mean, we know what his early stuff is. | ||
| He had this whole life. | ||
| And I mean, I think part of it is he sees Dave just like destroying. | ||
| And I hope there's like a little competitiveness in him where he's like, I gotta jump back in. | ||
| Yeah, he still looks great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He looks so healthy. | ||
| Like, I don't know what he's doing, but goddammit, that black don't crack shit is not a lie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, he looks amazing. | |
| He's got to be close to 60, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I think so. | |
| And he looks 30. Yeah. | ||
| He really does. | ||
| How old is he? | ||
| 58. Okay. | ||
| Pull up a recent picture of Eddie Murphy. | ||
| When you saw him with Jerry in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, he's driving around with Jerry. | ||
| He looks great. | ||
| By the way, I said Jerry because we're tight. | ||
| I don't even know him. | ||
| But you know what I'm talking about. | ||
| He looks like in Beverly Hills Cop, he's just thinner. | ||
| He's just young. | ||
| And I don't mean thinner that he's fat now. | ||
| I just mean he's like... | ||
| Bulked up. | ||
| He's bulked up. | ||
| Become a man. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He was essentially still a child then. | ||
| He's so healthy looking. | ||
| Yeah, he looks great. | ||
| Whatever the fuck he's doing. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That photo. | ||
| I mean, he might be 36. Yeah. | ||
| He does not look like he's almost 60. He looks amazing. | ||
| Look at Tracy. | ||
| Look at those gold chains. | ||
| Those are preposterous. | ||
| Zoom in on those gold chains again. | ||
| What in the fuck, Tracy? | ||
| That's all about Walmart money. | ||
| We were at the cellar and Tracy brought jelly beans. | ||
| And he was like, yeah, talking about the jelly beans, like, we don't have access to them with our money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| Like, he'd be like, I can't do any impressions, so this is going to be the worst Tracy Morgan you've ever heard of. | ||
| He's like, I got jelly beans. | ||
| Who else you know is going to bring jelly beans? | ||
| LAUGHTER And then he's like, eat them! | ||
| Eat the jelly beans! | ||
| He makes all of us eat jelly beans, and then he goes, not the green ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not the green ones. | |
| Now, what are those emblems? | ||
| One of them is Jesus. | ||
| One of them is Jesus. | ||
| That's a TM on that. | ||
| Okay, Tracy Morgan, a big TM, a plate. | ||
| And then the other one. | ||
| By the way, I can't tell. | ||
| Yeah, what is that one in the back? | ||
| Hard to tell. | ||
| I'll find another picture. | ||
| Bro, that fucking thing has got to be heavy. | ||
| That must hurt your neck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's like a bike chain. | ||
| Scroll down there with Eddie Murphy with that beautiful young lady. | ||
| Scroll down. | ||
| Scroll down. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that his girlfriend? | ||
| I think it's his wife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Partner. | |
| Partner, whatever. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| But he's divorced, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't he? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| I think she just had a baby recently. | ||
| Kapow! | ||
| Still fertile. | ||
| 85 years old. | ||
| Ooh, she looks hot. | ||
| She looks very actressy hot. | ||
| Slim waist. | ||
| Nice booty. | ||
| Congratulations, Eddie. | ||
| But look at him. | ||
| He's fucking almost 60 years old. | ||
| Looks amazing. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whatever he's doing, health-wise, incredible. | ||
| This is what I want of all people in Hollywood who look like that. | ||
| I'm like, just tell us. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Tell us what you're doing. | ||
| I know we probably can't afford it. | ||
| Well, I probably can't afford it. | ||
| But tell us what you're doing so we at least have an idea that there's some crazy shit behind it. | ||
| Look at that fucking picture. | ||
| Look at that picture right there. | ||
| Like, is your water from a different place? | ||
| What kind of vitamins? | ||
| This is him for dolomite, right? | ||
| I believe so, yeah. | ||
| He's doing press. | ||
| Almost 60 years old. | ||
| He looks like he's 15 years younger than me, at least. | ||
| I'm looking side by side on the screen now, not bad. | ||
| Trust me, bro. | ||
| I'm pretty healthy, but I party a little too hard. | ||
| Like, he's got like a little wrinkle right here. | ||
| Like a little crease in his face. | ||
| He's a little character. | ||
| Slightly. | ||
| Makes him look a little bit better. | ||
| He only has one earring. | ||
| Sign of the times. | ||
| One diamond earring. | ||
| He's like, I'm not gay. | ||
| I'm not going to have two earrings. | ||
| That's a big fucking earring too, boy. | ||
| Look at the size of that earring. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's like a fucking quarter million dollar earring. | |
| It's a good diamond. | ||
| It's a big diamond. | ||
| Big ass rock for your ear. | ||
| He's done well. | ||
| He's done well. | ||
| I don't know if you've heard about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| And, you know, he did a thing a few years ago, right when Cosby was starting to get into trouble, when, I don't know if you saw it, but he did, like, this thing where he was at a panel, and he was receiving some award, and he started doing a little stand-up, and talking about them taking away Bill Cosby's awards, and Bill Cosby's, his... | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Was it his diploma? | ||
| His Mark Twain award. | ||
| His Mark Twain award. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| First live set in 28 years. | ||
| And I'm telling you, he was so sharp. | ||
| Did you see it? | ||
| No, I watched it back then. | ||
| I can't really remember what he said. | ||
| It was really good. | ||
| But I remember watching it back then. | ||
| And I remember being like... | ||
| This guy, two weeks on stage, he'd be fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| He's sharp. | ||
| If he had material, he's fucking sharp. | ||
| Sharp as a tack. | ||
| I mean, how great. | ||
| Did you know his brother? | ||
| Did you know Charlie at all? | ||
| I didn't. | ||
| I mean, huge fan of his as well. | ||
| He was the nicest guy. | ||
| I loved that guy. | ||
| That was a bummer. | ||
| That was a huge bummer. | ||
| Charlie and I did a tour together in like 2007. We did like 22 cities. | ||
| We traveled together for the whole month, like the whole month together. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He was so nice. | ||
| He's so cool. | ||
| Just a fucking great guy. | ||
| Yeah, I was a big fan of his too. | ||
| And a guy that was basically a famous person first and then started doing stand-up, which is the hardest way to do it. | ||
| It's definitely the hardest way. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| No one wants to believe you. | ||
| No! | ||
| You're on stage and people are like, you're famous. | ||
| Let's see your A-plus act that I paid money to see, and you're basically an open-miker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And people are paying to see you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he started out, he would host. | ||
| That is a very smart way to do it. | ||
| He's a smart dude. | ||
| He would host and then he would slowly work up enough material that he could do a set. | ||
| And he was an older guy, too. | ||
| When that happened, he was deep into his 40s when things really started clicking for him. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Imagine being an open-miker and famous and in your 40s. | ||
| No. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| At least then, though, you have life experiences to pull from. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You hear a lot of these people when they're like, you know, some people start in their teens and they turn out to be, you know, the best in the world, Dave Chappelle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But other people start in their teens and I'm like, have some life first. | ||
| What are you telling jokes about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, like, I mean, like, I had, like, I had a whole career before I got into stand-up. | ||
| How old were you even starting? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I started in 2011, so I was 26, 25, 26. What was your, you were saying your career, you were talking about? | |
| So I was, I started in finance. | ||
| I used to work on Wall Street. | ||
| I got a job at Bear Stearns. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So that's the Wolf of Wall Street. | |
| Yeah, that's where Joe, still trying to make it happen. | ||
| But I started at Bear Stearns in the summer of 2007, and then it collapsed in March of 2008. And then I stayed with J.P. Morgan for a couple years after that. | ||
| But I wore a suit every day. | ||
| I worked with mutual funds and separately managed accounts. | ||
| When were you thinking about stand-up? | ||
| Were you thinking about it in the beginning? | ||
| Well, so in March of 2008, a bunch of friends of mine, this is like before Bear collapsed, a bunch of friends of mine went to see a taping of SNL. And I've always been such a huge fan that afterwards I was like, how do these people do this? | ||
| Like, how do you get here? | ||
| And I Googled them and they all started in improv. | ||
| So I started doing improv and I did that for a couple of years. | ||
| And then even at my first improv class, I was like... | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| I just want more of this. | ||
| And then I eventually got into stand-up after that around 2011. But it was one of those things where I was very much like a very type A, get good grades, try to get the best grade in the class type of person. | ||
| And I didn't really develop opinions or a point of view. | ||
| And so when I started doing improv, I was like... | ||
| You make choices, and then the more I got into stand-up, I was like, yeah, how do I feel about these things? | ||
| What do I think about them? | ||
| And really, just like, I don't know. | ||
| That's really when I feel like I started becoming a person. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I don't really think I had a personality before that. | ||
| I wonder if I would have been as curious if I wasn't a stand-up. | ||
| How much of my curiosity is because I started getting curious about things because I wanted to be able to talk about different things? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm definitely much more observational in the world than I used to be. | ||
| But I might be a little darker, too. | ||
| I remember thinking when I was a kid, I thought about what my wedding would look like as a little girl. | ||
| And now the idea of having a wedding seems ridiculous. | ||
| The idea of me in a big dress walking down an aisle. | ||
| There's none of that I could take seriously. | ||
| But if you were going to get married, how would you do it? | ||
| I would just go to City Hall. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And then have a party or something? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Later. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It seems weird to have a party right after because you're like, let's see if this is going to stay. | ||
| Well, you're going to have a legal contract with someone, especially you now, because you don't want that Roseanne Barr Tom Arnold type deal. | ||
| You don't want to pay some dude off. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| Like, imagine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I can't. | |
| Things start popping for you. | ||
| You got some guy who kind of, like, comes with you on the road, becomes your tour manager. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's the thing. | ||
| That would never happen to me, though, because one of the things I find most attractive is a guy being really good at something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| And he's really good at being your tour manager. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, just the best tour manager. | ||
| The best. | ||
| Always has the best hotel rooms waiting for you. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, every time I go in, it's set up the exact way I want it. | ||
| Any room stocked with green jelly beans. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck you, Tracy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think, well, that's the case with most women. | ||
| Most women, I think, like guys that are good at stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's rare that you see like a... | ||
| Yeah, I mean we want... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Provider. | ||
| Someone who's... | ||
| Well, you want successful genes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's really what it boils down to. | ||
| Men want attractive genes. | ||
| Women want successful genes. | ||
| Or they want... | ||
| Well, they also want attractive genes too. | ||
| They want... | ||
| Dominant genes, like a big man, big tall man, good features, good symmetry. | ||
| All those things are genetic. | ||
| It's normal. | ||
| Yeah, I've been working on this new joke about how women, we're attracted to the exact thing that's the most dangerous to us. | ||
| We like those men, so we make more dangerous men. | ||
| We could decide to just only mate with short, soft-boned men and make a whole generation of killable men. | ||
| And women would be like, yeah, we're the ones in power, but it's never going to happen. | ||
| Yeah, but that would have to be a real conscious decision that's against evolutionary biology. | ||
| It would have to be like, women have to be like, first of all, we'd have to get women to agree on something, which isn't going to happen. | ||
| But then also, yeah, you'd have to be like, no, this is the law. | ||
| Like a reverse handmaids thing or something. | ||
| Ooh, reverse handmaids. | ||
| Yeah, like we're going to outbreed all the Goliaths and all the gorillas, all the savages and barbarians. | ||
| We're going to cut them off. | ||
| Every once in a while, like a baby's born, it's like at the height and weight is too high, and they're like, we've got to get rid of this one. | ||
| Flush them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Hold them down. | ||
| Hold them in the tub. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's not wise, because China's not going to do that. | ||
| China's not going to do that. | ||
| They're going to use CRISPR and develop Hulk babies. | ||
| We're going to need the mite. | ||
| We're going to need the muscle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whew. | |
| Dum-dum-dum. | ||
| Are you worried at all about something like that? | ||
| Are you worried about a war? | ||
| With China? | ||
| Do you ever think about that? | ||
| Do you ever think, like, Russia, China? | ||
| Like, I've been hearing this term, hot war. | ||
| You know, like, we're involved in a cold war with Russia, and we were involved in a cold war with Russia. | ||
| What do they define hot war? | ||
| Bullets. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I don't know if I can imagine us getting into a war like that again, but I do worry about, like... | ||
| Like hacking, like more of like a, what's it called? | ||
| Cyber war. | ||
| Yeah, cyber war. | ||
| I think that's much more likely. | ||
| It is much more likely, but god damn, if there was some sort of like a real attack from China or from Russia, it would be more China than Russia. | ||
| From what I understand, Russia does not really have the money. | ||
| They have a military, but they don't have the kind of military that we have. | ||
| It's a pretty big drop-off from the United States to what Russia has. | ||
| But they're scary enough and dangerous enough. | ||
| That we have to keep an eye on them. | ||
| I feel like ever since nuclear weapons came about, people are like, yeah, let's not do those kinds of wars anymore. | ||
| Yeah, we still do them in Iraq. | ||
| We still did it in Afghanistan. | ||
| We'll still go in, if there's air quotes, insurgents. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And, you know, we need the oil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, a little bit of oil. | |
| Our oil is getting a little low. | ||
| I think often, what if there was a war and they had to put the draft back in? | ||
| Then I'd think about all my guy friends and I'd be like, well, first of all, I don't want them to fight because I like them. | ||
| Can you imagine Mark Normand as a soldier? | ||
| He's a pretty fit guy. | ||
| He's very fit, but I can't imagine him... | ||
| Killing people. | ||
| You know, like I can't imagine him on a battlefield. | ||
| He'd probably make snarky jokes. | ||
| I can imagine Ari could kill people. | ||
| I can imagine Ari killing people. | ||
| I can imagine Ari giving the other soldiers some sort of pill. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| He would definitely dose their water supply. | ||
| Guys, I know how to stop this. | ||
| Find the reservoir and dump a bucket of acid into it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is just going to make whatever happens today a lot of fun. | |
| Who out of your friends do you think would be a good soldier? | ||
| Um... | ||
| Well, I think Dan Soder would be a good soldier. | ||
| He's a big fella. | ||
| He's a big guy, and he's also just like... | ||
| He's a football player. | ||
| He was a football player. | ||
| I mean, he's a teddy bear, but he's also, I think, for the right reasons, he'd be like, I would kill them. | ||
| But it would have to feel personal to him. | ||
| Personal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, like the commies. | ||
| I don't think... | ||
| It's more fun to think about the people I don't think could do it. | ||
| There's no way Keith Robinson, even before his stroke, was getting into a war. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fucked up. | |
| But after the stroke, maybe he's got less to lose. | ||
| No, he's even now. | ||
| Now he'd be like, I'm out! | ||
| I got a stroke! | ||
| Look at me! | ||
| I can't fight! | ||
| Has he had any recovery of his motor skills? | ||
| It's still pretty much not super usable, but he gets up on stage every night. | ||
| Jokes are probably funnier than ever. | ||
| His stroke material is really, really good. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's one of my favorite people to sit at the table with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because you sit down, you're immediately making fun of each other. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| You know, you're making fun of everyone else. | ||
| Like, it's just jokes the whole night. | ||
| People don't understand why that's so fun for us. | ||
| It's... | ||
| To shit on each other. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's so much fun. | ||
| It's one of my favorite things to do. | ||
| It's one of my favorite things, too, about comics is shitting on each other. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| And also, it's good for you. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| It's healthy to get shit on so you laugh and know that you can laugh at yourself. | ||
| People who can't laugh at someone shitting on them, they're the worst. | ||
| The worst. | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| Yeah, it's just like, we're just having fun. | ||
| It's also like, it allows us to say the stuff that like, because comics will say pretty much anything on stage, but there is a line where we're like, no, this is for only other comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, this is... | ||
| We gotta... | ||
| Yes. | ||
| There's often times we'll be in a discussion and we'll kind of look around and be like... | ||
| If that guy heard any of that stuff we were talking about having sex with midgets, I don't think any of us are going to have a career anymore. | ||
| Yeah, if someone put, like, a hidden camera and a hidden microphone in the back bar of the comedy store, oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, really, really in trouble. | ||
| When you're trying to shock other comics, you know, shock road-hardened veterans... | ||
| Well, because our problem is that, like, we want to say the funniest thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And normally that's way past the line. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Even past our line, where you're just like, no, this isn't. | ||
| I have this Sober October group text that I'm in with Ari Shafir, Bert Kreischer, and Tom Segura, and it's fucking ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sometimes it's so ruthless and so ridiculous, I just go, oh, fuck. | ||
| I'm in a few of those texts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, me too. | |
| Group texts with other comics are the best. | ||
| It's so great. | ||
| I also have a group text that's with a couple of my female friends and like that one, I'll look away from my phone and then I'll look back a minute or two later and there'd be like 96. And I'm just like, what happened? | ||
| And there's three different conversations going on. | ||
| Simultaneously. | ||
| Yeah, I can't do that. | ||
| I don't understand that. | ||
| It's really like, being friends with women is a lot of work. | ||
| Do you prefer being friends with men? | ||
| I... I love being friends with men. | ||
| I also love being friends with women because there's stuff that you can talk to them about that just like, either you can say it to men, but they're not going to have the in-depth discussion about it that you want it to happen. | ||
| You know, like women will just indulge each other and be like, but how did he say it? | ||
| Like, oh, he put a period? | ||
| Like, was there a period after the text? | ||
| And he's like, yeah, there was a period. | ||
| Well then, yeah, I don't think that's good. | ||
| Yeah, if he just left it open. | ||
| Maybe it's casual. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what, how many times have you had a conversation when someone just writes something like, sure. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like, what does that mean? | ||
| What does sure mean? | ||
| I do it accidentally sometimes. | ||
| I'll be like, yeah, sure. | ||
| I won't say sure. | ||
| Yeah, I'll just say sure. | ||
| Do you want to go there? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Okay, she's mad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's mad. | ||
| Sure? | ||
| What does sure mean? | ||
| Sure sounds like a fight is about to happen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You always decide. | ||
| You always... | ||
| Another, like, more aggressive would be fine. | ||
| Fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you want to go there? | ||
| Fine. | ||
| Oh, fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucks up. | ||
| I'm in trouble. | ||
| Fine's not good. | ||
| I'm in a lot of trouble. | ||
| Fine's not good. | ||
| You go to pick her up. | ||
| She's not smiling. | ||
| Like, what are we doing? | ||
| Should we do this? | ||
| Should we stay home? | ||
| Fine. | ||
| If you want to fight, let's just do it now and not wait till we get to the restaurant. | ||
| What is fine? | ||
| What the fuck does that mean? | ||
| I also think it's good for men when women have a lot of female friends because... | ||
| Good for the other person you're dating or married to. | ||
| You should want your girlfriend to have a couple female friends so that she can have the conversations. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The more I think about relationships, the more I'm like... | ||
| No, men and women, like, a husband and wife shouldn't be having all of those discussions. | ||
| Like, he doesn't want to hear it. | ||
| He doesn't want to hear it. | ||
| Have it with your girlfriends, and then just talk to him about whatever else. | ||
| Yes, I couldn't agree more. | ||
| It's an unrealistic expectation. | ||
| I go on double dates with my wife and her and her friend and me and it winds up being two different conversations. | ||
| I get stuck with the husband and she's talking to her friend like, oh my god, so cute. | ||
| Oh my god, did he say that? | ||
| Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god. | ||
| And I just have these rambling girl conversations. | ||
| I go, hey, hey, hey, let's have one conversation. | ||
| We can't do this two conversation things. | ||
| Yeah, and it's so nice to have the girls just to be like... | ||
| Yeah, I get to indulge the girl side of myself. | ||
| Right, but that's a thing. | ||
| That's a real thing. | ||
| It's a real thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But some people want to pretend that men and women are the same thing. | ||
| I think that's such a detriment to both men and women. | ||
| Like, saying that women are the same as men, it's like, well, we're not, but also, why do we want to be? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Why is that happening? | ||
| Why is that even the standard? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, just let women be what we are. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And men can be what they are. | ||
| And then there's some people that do float in the middle, but like... | ||
| Well, I think it all gets conflated with equal rights. | ||
| Like equality, equal rights, equal laws, equal willingness to try different jobs, those kinds of things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then we decide that men and women are not any different and that these are all cultural creations and these are things that are concocted by society. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I think, I mean, I think it's kind of, it's bad for women when we say, well, we're just the same as men, because it's like, you're saying with that sentence that men are correct. | ||
| And when you finally start to think of us as men, as the same as men, now we're correct too. | ||
| What I like to say is that men and women aren't math. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| We're not equal. | ||
| We're different things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not an equality thing. | ||
| You make all the people. | ||
| Like, we'll never be equal to you. | ||
| You make every fucking human that's ever made is made in a woman's body. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| This whole thing, though, is weird to me because I'm like, where did this come from? | ||
| This didn't exist before. | ||
| The equal rights thing existed before. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's some sort of a cultural creation that women are different than men. | ||
| That this is something that society has sort of imposed on women. | ||
| Like, no, women like different things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, like, we just sometimes just like to be around each other, which men, I think, sometimes just like to be around each other, too. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| You know, like, it's like, I can hang out with the boys, no problem. | ||
| I grew up with older brothers, you know, like, all I ever did was hang out with boys. | ||
| But now, like, I also see so much value in just getting to be with girls. | ||
| Yeah, you should. | ||
| I mean, and men do with men. | ||
| There's a lot of stuff that men like that women don't, a lot of women, don't have interest in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| But this idea, like, that's toxic. | ||
| Like, toxic masculinity. | ||
| Like, all this nonsense that we hear today. | ||
| It's all exactly what we were talking about before, where people trying to control people and define people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's the same thing. | ||
| I think that's one of the reasons you see it a lot, especially online, from white women. | ||
| Because we want to have power. | ||
| You know, like we want to be able to, and I mean, us being able to tell other people what they can and cannot do or say is us just being like, yep, that's our power now. | ||
| We might never be better than white men, you know, but we can at least control what you get to say about us. | ||
| And I think as soon as white women are like, yeah, we do like to have control, then we'll be like, thank you. | ||
| Let's dismantle all of this. | ||
| It's the same kind of toxic masculinity. | ||
| It's all toxic. | ||
| How dare you tell black people how to feel about what jokes we can and cannot say about black people? | ||
| Did you ask any of them? | ||
| I'm sure you see it at stand-up shows where there's white women with their arms crossed and then when you start talking about race and then black people who are laughing and you're like... | ||
| They're like, you shouldn't be able to tell jokes about black people like that. | ||
| It's like, did you look? | ||
| Well, I think a lot of it, too, is people working in offices all day where they're constantly suppressed. | ||
| The way you communicate in an office is so vastly different than the way a comic communicates on stage in front of a nightclub. | ||
| It's so different that most people, the vast majority of their day, is under the spell of human resources. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They have this imposed standard of communication that's not how they want to talk. | ||
| It's not how they want to behave and think. | ||
| And also, men and women working together is strange. | ||
| It's strange. | ||
| And anybody who says it's not strange has never worked with women and men together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because people get attracted to each other. | ||
| People get petty. | ||
| People get jealous. | ||
| People get flirty. | ||
| People get mean. | ||
| People get controlling. | ||
| They play social games with each other. | ||
| Yeah, and I mean, it's one of those things where it's like, you can't even broach the subject now because people are like, it's not an issue. | ||
| And I'm like, no, there are so many issues. | ||
| It's fraught with issues. | ||
| Like, let's talk about it. | ||
| Like, okay, yeah, there's a lot of sexual harassment that happens in offices, but there's also a lot of legitimate relationships that happen in offices. | ||
| Like, there's flirting, there's one night stands, there's, you know, like... | ||
| All of this is happening. | ||
| People get married and have kids. | ||
| People fuck for a while and then they might hate each other, but they still gotta figure out how to work together. | ||
| That happens all the time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| The hilarious thing is when that happens and there's a boss and someone who's below them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'll say, oh, he abused his power. | ||
| And again, I look at it from my perspective where I'm like, I'm attracted to men who are good and powerful. | ||
| So, if I were going to have... | ||
| I worked in an office, and my boss was really good looking, and I was attracted to him, and there was a chemistry, and we started sleeping together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Like, that's what I wanted. | ||
| And then, you know, like, yeah, this is like... | ||
| You're going to get canceled just for saying that. | ||
| A hundred percent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't say that. | |
| You can't say that you want to be with someone powerful, and someone who holds something over you. | ||
| Yeah, I do see... | ||
| You should fuck the janitor. | ||
| Be a good person. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, if he's really hot, you know, I might get a shot, too. | ||
| Well, he needs a green card anyway. | ||
| Oh, well. | ||
| You can hook him up. | ||
| We need to get married now. | ||
| That was the whole thing. | ||
| Yes, but take it seriously. | ||
| It's important for his culture. | ||
| Don't be an asshole about it. | ||
| I'm his way in. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I do see it now, and this is a weird thing, but super feminist women, I do see a lot of them kind of dating jawless, kind of pushover guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I'm like... | ||
| Oh, maybe they're the women I'm talking about. | ||
| They're like, no, I found these soft-boned men. | ||
| Jawless is a fun way to describe it. | ||
| They're so jawless. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jawless. | |
| Jawless men. | ||
| Fuck, that's such a bummer. | ||
| Really bad genes like that. | ||
| Like, ooh, there's not a goddamn thing they can do about that. | ||
| No, I don't think you can get a new jaw. | ||
| They give you a jaw surgery. | ||
| They can try to grow your jaw out. | ||
| They cut your jaw and break it. | ||
| I know a lady who got a chin implant. | ||
| I think they might have done something to her actual jaw itself too. | ||
| But it was one of those very unfortunate chins. | ||
| And then she what? | ||
| Couldn't eat for like... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They put a piece of plastic or something where her chin... | ||
| It used to go in too far, and then it came out a little bit. | ||
| Did she have syphilis? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't ask. | |
| I didn't know her that well. | ||
| She told me she had a chin implant. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| She had a what? | ||
| Your jaw? | ||
| She didn't like the shape of her jaw, so she got her jaw reworked. | ||
| Well, some of these guys should look into that. | ||
| I don't think there's much you can do if you have a tiny little jaw. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| That's a bummer. | ||
| But yeah, working with men and women working together is like, there's a way to figure it out. | ||
| But it's fraught with complications. | ||
| It is. | ||
| And the real issue is people holding things over you in order to get you to sleep with them. | ||
| It's not you being someone who works with someone who's legitimately attracted to this guy and then you get together. | ||
| It's still, if I was running a company, I'd say, hey, don't fuck each other, you assholes. | ||
| I'm trying to make money. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| I want productivity. | ||
| I don't want, yeah, like, I don't want to... | ||
| And I can't condone it legally, right? | ||
| Because if I say, yeah, what are you, banging your secretary? | ||
| All right, fuck yeah. | ||
| Take a picture. | ||
| What am I going to say? | ||
| You would have to say that it's in the rules and regulations, you would have to say. | ||
| But there's no way you can tell me that it's not possible for a man and a woman who are working together and the guy's the boss and the woman works under him and they fall in love and they have an amazing relationship. | ||
| It happens all the time. | ||
| It does. | ||
| Bill and Melinda Gates. | ||
| She worked at Microsoft. | ||
| That piece of shit. | ||
| Bill is a piece of shit. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| He's a power-hungry piece of shit who abused his power. | ||
| And you can see it when you look at it. | ||
| It's basically rape. | ||
| It's basically rape. | ||
| He had power over her. | ||
| Basically. | ||
| She's actually been a prisoner. | ||
| Oh my god, I can't believe this. | ||
| We gotta give her half of that hundred billion dollars that he has and get her out of that ivory tower. | ||
| Of course this happens! | ||
| Yeah, of course it happens. | ||
| The real issue is someone sexually harassing you. | ||
| Like some guy was holding a promotion Over your head saying that he wants you to sleep with him or making lewd comments that make you feel disgusted. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or you show up to work and you're not interested in that person at all. | ||
| You just want to do your job and they're making comments about your breasts or your legs or your mouth or... | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Oh, the mouth comments are the worst. | ||
| They're somehow creepier than like the breast or the butt. | ||
| It's just like your mouth. | ||
| Oh, stop it. | ||
| Just picture him with his just fly down, pants still on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| Oh, look at that little mouth. | ||
| Stop talking about my mouth! | ||
| The problem is there's no equivalent with men. | ||
| There's no one thing that a woman could say to a man that makes him feel like a piece of meat like that, like humiliated. | ||
| It's so hard to sexually harass men because they're into so much of it. | ||
| Yeah, we'd like it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially if we're attracted to you, you're sexually harassing. | ||
| Like if your boss is like, you want this job? | ||
| You gotta eat my pussy. | ||
| Be like, how are you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How much am I getting? | |
| How much of a raise are we talking about here? | ||
| Can I also get a couple of vacation days? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How many days do I get and how many can I get? | |
| Does it depend on the performance? | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| What if I really know what I'm doing? | ||
| She's like, well, let me see. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'll give you a performance review. | ||
| I know you're married, and I have a wife as well, so let's just keep this in the salon. | ||
| I'll just fuck the shit out of your work. | ||
| We're good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're good. | |
| I'll make an extra 40, 50 grand a year. | ||
| By the way, we are going to need to get something to lock that door. | ||
| And you win the Matt Lauer buttons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Click. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But the thing is, even if a male boss, even if he got everything in writing beforehand, saying this is consensual. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I think you could easily say afterwards, it wasn't. | ||
| I felt coerced into signing that. | ||
| Well, that's what's exactly happening with Matt Lauer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's exactly what happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| He was having a sexual affair with a woman that he worked with that wasn't even under him. | ||
| She was in a different department, and they're still saying that he had power over her. | ||
| It might be correct, though. | ||
| See, the thing is, this Ronan Farrow guy, Ronan Farrow guy, He's obviously a real legitimate journalist, and he's done a deep dive into these things. | ||
| So it's so hard to say. | ||
| Until Matt Lauer comes out and just has to make statements, I guess, on all these different things. | ||
| Because apparently there were some people that got paid off. | ||
| And it's something that NBC denied. | ||
| And then he's proven there's been several different compensation payoffs, people that were sexually harassed. | ||
| Well, even when you hear about payments, you're like... | ||
| Yeah, that might mean it's legitimate, or it might mean that they thought, this is the easiest way to fix this problem. | ||
| Unless you're talking about Bill O'Reilly. | ||
| That is, yeah. | ||
| That's the gold standard of sexual harassment pants. | ||
| When you paid that chick $32 million, you're like, what did you say, Bill? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| What did you do? | ||
| That's not just keep quiet money. | ||
| That's just like, no, I don't want to have to deal with it anymore. | ||
| Just give her the $32 million. | ||
| $32 million. | ||
| And we went over it. | ||
| Apparently, there's also a clause that she has to deny that anything ever took place. | ||
| And then if evidence comes out, she has to lie and say that evidence is not valid. | ||
| I mean, for $32 million. | ||
| You've got to do what you've got to do. | ||
| You're in the clear for life. | ||
| You don't have to work again. | ||
| That lady right now has probably got her feet up. | ||
| She's probably got fluffy slippers on, sipping tea. | ||
| Living exactly where she wants to live. | ||
| Laughing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| Because every now and then she just like wakes up in the morning and they just realize she doesn't have to do shit ever again. | ||
| Fuck you, Bill! | ||
| I mean, she won. | ||
| Oh my God, she won. | ||
| She won $32 million. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you live a reasonable life, you don't have to do a goddamn thing with $32 million. | ||
| You take vacations every year. | ||
| You buy a nice, fat new car every year. | ||
| You live in a beautiful house. | ||
| You have to do shit. | ||
| You have help. | ||
| You have like, I mean, you're set. | ||
| $32 million. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| In just 10%, that's $3 million a year. | ||
| Just in interest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right? | ||
| If you can make your money work for you. | ||
| You're a financial person. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| Can you do that? | ||
| Get 10% interest? | ||
| I mean, it depends what you're invested in. | ||
| If you have a legit $32 million in the bank, What would you get out of that? | ||
| Well, is it just in a savings account? | ||
| It would have to be in funds and 401ks. | ||
| What would it have to be in order to get $3 million a year? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What would it have to be in? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bernie Madoff type shit? | |
| I know. | ||
| I mean, I only ever, like, sold mutual funds. | ||
| Like, that's what we did, like, due diligence on mutual funds and stuff like that. | ||
| And what's a good return? | ||
| It really depends. | ||
| Like, I mean, there's a lot of funds that, like, it fluctuates, but there's, like, a good 4%, you know? | ||
| 4%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not good enough. | ||
| You need 10. She wants to live like a baller? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She needs more. | ||
| I'm sure there's higher yield ones that you could use. | ||
| 4% is not even a million a year. | ||
| She needs 10. What are we going to do? | ||
| We've got to diversify. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We've got to diversify. | |
| I don't have anything in the stock market anymore because after Bayer collapsed, I literally saw people that were working there for 30 years lose everything because they lost their job and they were reinvested in the company, which they say you're not supposed to do, but this company, Bayer built itself on being like... | ||
| Like, loyalty and like, you know, like, work for us, help people move ahead, and then they'd reinvest back into the company. | ||
| You get stocks, like all this stuff, and then you lost your job and the stock price went from $130 to $2. | ||
| You're fucked. | ||
| Did it help you when everything crashed to give you a jump to get into stand-up and go balls out? | ||
| No, it was... | ||
| Sorry for the male expression. | ||
| No. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Sorry to gender. | ||
| Yeah, because you can't say labia out. | ||
| That's very weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What can you say? | |
| Clit out? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I went real clit out on this. | ||
| That might be a new thing. | ||
| That sounds bad coming out of my little mouth. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| No, it was like I was cheap. | ||
| I was cheap, relatively cheap labor compared to everyone else. | ||
| I knew I wasn't going to lose my job. | ||
| I also came up with a Microsoft Access program that we used in the department that no one else knew how to use. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you kind of had your job locked in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But the company could go under. | ||
| The company could go over, but I was still in the early enough phase that I had no idea what this whole comedy thing was going to turn into. | ||
| Did it give you motivation? | ||
| Knowing that all these people that did work hard towards a legitimate career, that it could all fall apart on them? | ||
| I mean, that scarred me, I think, in a different way, where I was just like, oh, you can't trust the stock market. | ||
| It didn't make me worry about my career or anything like that. | ||
| I think I was too young to think about longevity career-wise. | ||
| And I was too new in comedy to think it was like, that could all fall apart. | ||
| I didn't assume it was going to go anywhere anyway. | ||
| But it really did. | ||
| People are always like, well, you should be invested. | ||
| They're like, no, over time. | ||
| I'm like, no, I know all the sayings. | ||
| But if it crashes when you want to retire... | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| Like if you're at 60 or whatever it is and you want to retire and your 401k just completely drops, then you got to wait, what, 10 more years to retire until it gets back up to where it was? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oof. | |
| So, you know, keep it in cash, baby. | ||
| Is that what you do now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You got a safe at home? | ||
| Every now and then you throw the money on the bed and just roll around? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Every once in a while. | ||
| Indecent proposal? | ||
| How bad would that be? | ||
| Like, you're like, I'm just going to roll around in this money and then afterwards you're like, I got to clean up all this money. | ||
| Not only that, you test positive for cocaine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, you got like, you got every germ. | ||
| Yeah, if you're naked and you're rolling around with money. | ||
| Disgusting. | ||
| That's fucking gross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't even like, I like wash my hands after I touch money. | ||
| You should. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| I mean, it's, it's, everyone's carrying it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's something that we know people touch. | ||
| It's like one of the one things that you know has been passed on from person to person to person to person. | ||
| Very few objects, like a watch or a light, very few objects are touched by as many people as money. | ||
| Yeah, and often. | ||
| And strangers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dirty people. | ||
| It's on the ground. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| It's in a machine. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| And the numbers of people that get dollar bills that test positive for cocaine, it's crazy. | ||
| It's off the charts. | ||
| Yeah, they did some study on $100 bills, like the percentage of $100 bills that test positive for cocaine. | ||
| It's really high. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, it's really high. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I guess it would be hundreds. | ||
| Yeah, hundreds in circulation. | ||
| You're trying to impress people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't give a fuck. | |
| I'm going to lay down and fire when I'm done. | ||
| Did you see that Walmart sweater that they got in trouble for? | ||
| Yeah, the cocaine Santa. | ||
| I liked that one. | ||
| They're so lame, they didn't even know what the fuck it was. | ||
| Yeah, they were like, no, it's snow. | ||
| No, no, no, stupid. | ||
| He's got a straw in his hand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the percentage of dollar bills? | |
| Does it say? | ||
| What? | ||
| It's not legit? | ||
| Fecal matter showed up more than cocaine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's a lot of poop. | ||
| Of course! | ||
| Dirty people wipe their hands with their own hands. | ||
| Just smudge it on their dollar bills. | ||
| Maybe they wipe their ass with dollar bills when they run out of toilet paper and then they wash the dollar bill off in the sink but do a shitty job of it. | ||
| Pardon the pun. | ||
| I mean, if you did run out of toilet paper... | ||
| Yeah, it'd be good. | ||
| It's probably solid. | ||
| Clean it off in the sink. | ||
| It says the flu can last for up to 17 days on a dollar bill. | ||
| Oh, great! | ||
| Credit cards. | ||
| When people start getting sick, just pull out the credit card. | ||
| That's why when I was little, I ate dirt, I ate boogers, I ate grass, and I rarely get sick. | ||
| Solid immune system. | ||
| Because I was a gross child. | ||
| 80% for cocaine, 94% according to a 2002 report for poop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
94%. | |
| How is poop getting on everything? | ||
| Because people are gross. | ||
| Like, they always say, like, there's poop, like, there's fecal matter on, like, your toothbrush if it's, like, near you. | ||
| I'm like, how is it getting there? | ||
| People are gross. | ||
| We're disgusting. | ||
| How is it popping? | ||
| What's happening? | ||
| Oh, we're touching railings after you wash your hands. | ||
| Like, I was at Disneyland. | ||
| This little kid was sucking on a chain. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Just had the chain in his mouth. | ||
| I'm like, your kid! | ||
| Ugh! | ||
| Just shit chain. | ||
| At Disneyland! | ||
| I picture someone pulling that chain out of their ass. | ||
| Clink, clink, clink, clink, clink. | ||
| Re-hooking it up. | ||
| That is my favorite ride at Disneyland. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The shit chain. | |
| He was sucking on the chain. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| I was muting. | ||
| Oh, that's so much. | ||
| That's such a high percentage. | ||
| 94 for poop? | ||
| And 80-something for Coke? | ||
| Yeah, a lot of fucking people doing Coke on $100 bills. | ||
| 100 different strains of bacteria for animals? | ||
| Unspecified domestic animals? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| If you wanted to really spread a disease in this country, spread it through money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, don't give people that idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| I'm more creative with my ideas. | ||
| I didn't tell them the one about the plane. | ||
| I'll tell you afterwards. | ||
| I'll tell you my plane idea. | ||
| But yeah, it would be really easy if you had cocaine on dollars. | ||
| You could easily just put some sort of a fucking horrible disease on dollars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Spread it around. | ||
| There was a guy last night at the Lakers game who was throwing money, just one dollar bills, into the crowd. | ||
| And people were scrambling for it, and I was like, this could be, he could be passing anything. | ||
| Yeah, easily. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was like, or this is a really great way to see if your counterfeit bills work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or to get people in trouble. | ||
| Yeah, you fucking losers. | ||
| Have ten bucks for free. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there's a, that's a weird thing, right? | ||
| The throwing money thing. | ||
| I'm so rich, I can throw money away. | ||
| Throw it up in the air, making it rain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It feels weird when you're like, with no specified target. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| If you're like, I'm so rich, I'm going to give it to a school. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's nice. | |
| That would be a nice thing to do. | ||
| I'm so rich, I'm just going to throw it in the air. | ||
| Yeah, it's the ultimate in frivolous spending. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, even at strip clubs, I can get behind it because you're like, oh yeah, you're paying this lady. | ||
| But you're making her scream. | ||
| Scratch it all up together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like she's sweeping leaves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| I bet strippers really hate raking in the fall. | ||
| They're probably like, ugh. | ||
| It's not even money. | ||
| Not even money. | ||
| But they must get money thrown at them all the time, right? | ||
| Oh, they do. | ||
| They would get it crumpled. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And guys would throw it. | ||
| That has to be the worst. | ||
| Flattening it back out. | ||
| Yeah, ironing. | ||
| You're like, this isn't going to work in the vending machine. | ||
| That's another job where there's no male equivalent that's as humiliating. | ||
| Because like Chippendales dancers, like if a guy's a Chippendales dancer, it doesn't even come with a stigma. | ||
| No. | ||
| Like, he's a good-looking guy with a six-pack and wants to make some money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Puts his hog in a tube and starts dancing for ladies with cowboy boots on. | ||
| It's normal. | ||
| No one cares. | ||
| Like, hey, our boyfriend used to be a Chippin' Hills dancer. | ||
| Yeah, I paid my way through college. | ||
| I mean, it's a real testament to how much better women's bodies are. | ||
| Like, we're just like... | ||
| Like, the male bodies, like... | ||
| I mean, I'm attracted to it, but, like, it's still just like... | ||
| It's not something I want to see dancing around, necessarily. | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| Guys dancing is feminine, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a guy just sitting there dancing in front of you. | ||
| It's like, what are you doing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you know, when women are dancing, they're letting you know, you could fuck me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But you know you could fuck the guy. | ||
| Guys will fuck anything. | ||
| It's so easy. | ||
| I always say, like, you want to fuck a guy? | ||
| Be the last one there. | ||
| Just be the one who goes, I'm ready to fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he's like, oh, you ready to fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Let's get out of here. | ||
| It's also like, it's so... | ||
| We're just attracted to different things, too. | ||
| Like, you know, like, yeah, we like attractive men, but, like, you want to get us? | ||
| Like, show us you're capable of things, you know? | ||
| Yeah, that's hot. | ||
| Like, your life is so fucked up that you're a Chippendales dancer? | ||
| We're like, hmm. | ||
| Yeah, I'm just like, ugh. | ||
| How come you don't have your shit together? | ||
| You're 35. Yeah, like, can't you be, like, an accountant or something? | ||
| Yeah, you have a full beard. | ||
| You should have a real job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're a fucking real grown-up, man. | ||
| Why are you dancing for money? | ||
| Why are you dancing? | ||
| Like, where did this go wrong for you? | ||
| Do you own a house? | ||
| Like, stop it. | ||
| It's such a different reaction, too. | ||
| Like, when girls go to see men strip or men dancing, they scream. | ||
| They're screaming and yelling. | ||
| Guys are just sitting there looking creepy. | ||
| Guys are sitting back like this. | ||
| They're like... | ||
| And I'm like, oh! | ||
| Your posture! | ||
| It's a reverse of roles for guys. | ||
| Like, the women are aggressive because they want to make money. | ||
| Like, would you like a dance? | ||
| Would you like a dance? | ||
| Like, the women are coming up to you. | ||
| You're like, whoa, this is crazy. | ||
| They're coming up to me. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like, yeah, because you're paying them. | ||
| Ow! | ||
| I gotta get all technical on it. | ||
| What do you think would change in society if prostitution was legal? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Um... | |
| I think it'd be a lot less guys that are stressed. | ||
| I think there would be... | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I... People would probably be a little nicer. | ||
| I think people would be nicer. | ||
| I think those women would finally get, like, they could have, like, a union. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like, they could... | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Hoes would just break union lines. | ||
| I want to be at a prostitute union meeting. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I really... | ||
| Y'all are charging too little. | ||
| They're like, I'm not giving my fees. | ||
| The healthcare was not good this year. | ||
| You fucking bitches need to step up. | ||
| Could you imagine what it'd be like being at a prostitution meeting, all smoking, all sitting around? | ||
| I gotta get out of this fucking job. | ||
| This job is fucking bullshit. | ||
| But there's also one woman in a skirt and heels who's just like, we're not all like that, okay? | ||
| Some of us, we're the classy ones. | ||
| There's the classy versus the unclassy side of the room. | ||
| Well, I knew a girl who, in college, she was... | ||
| She was a prostitute, but she was a prostitute like she would fuck guys she knew for money. | ||
| And she didn't want to get a job. | ||
| And she liked these guys. | ||
| They were like older, married guys. | ||
| And she was trying to explain it. | ||
| And I was like, okay, so you knew the guys and you would fuck them for money. | ||
| She's an artist. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And she was explaining the whole thing. | ||
| I was like, oh, okay. | ||
| Well, that's an argument that comes up a lot where there's some women who say that, like, no, I want to do this. | ||
| Well, if you want, look, imagine if you're a woman, right, and you're in college, and some guy says, I will pay you $2,000 to have sex. | ||
| It'll take about an hour. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Versus, you have to work for hours and hours and hours and hours and hours. | ||
| And the guy's a nice guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you go, oh, okay, he's like this nice businessman and he can't get laid. | ||
| Like you maybe would have done it anyway. | ||
| Yeah, probably not. | ||
| But either way, it's not the worst thing in the world. | ||
| You're not disgusted by it. | ||
| He's not treating you terrible. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He just likes sexual pleasure from a pretty girl and you like money and then... | ||
| Next thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire. | ||
| Like, what is wrong with that? | ||
| But obviously, that's best case scenario, right? | ||
| The worst case scenario, I think, is pimps and people abusing women and sexual trafficking and all the stuff that's associated with... | ||
| The same sort of thing that's associated with illegal drugs is associated with illegal prostitution. | ||
| Crime. | ||
| Organized crime. | ||
| I mean, that's what the real problem is. | ||
| Look, I have three daughters. | ||
| I don't want anybody to be a prostitute. | ||
| But if they were going to be a prostitute, I would like it to be like a legal thing. | ||
| Not my kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| Some other losers' kids. | ||
| But if you're going to have prostitution, If it was legal, first of all, why isn't it legal? | ||
| How come it's okay to fuck anybody you want, but it's not okay to pay for it? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I mean, it's the oldest profession. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So there should be something. | ||
| At this point, we should go as a society, hey, we're not getting rid of this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's just figure out a way to make it as safe. | ||
| Test people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Protect them from creeps. | ||
| Make sure you have security. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But maybe that's also part of why some guys like it, because it is illegal. | ||
| Forbidden, it's dirty, it's naughty. | ||
| Yeah, you can't. | ||
| Oh, it's naughty. | ||
| Like, if you look at porn, it's all naughty porn that's popular now. | ||
| It's all, like, my stepsister, stepmother, stepbrother. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| It's all naughty stuff. | ||
| Step stuff. | ||
| It's all step. | ||
| Everybody's step. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| It's like, those are all the titles. | ||
| Not that I look. | ||
| If I did look, that's what I would find. | ||
| It's all step. | ||
| Step this and step that. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| People want to be... | ||
| See, because porn is so prevalent now, and it's so easily accessible. | ||
| You just get it on your fucking phone. | ||
| You're watching on a nice screen on your phone. | ||
| It's in 4K. You stream it anytime you want. | ||
| So because of that, we're gravitating towards weirder and weirder shit to get our kink off. | ||
| People have to be like, I can't even believe we're doing this. | ||
| You're supposed to be my sister. | ||
| I'm not your real sister. | ||
| I'm just your stepsister. | ||
| The next thing you know, they're getting crazy. | ||
| I love the amount of time it takes to convince someone in porn. | ||
| Yeah, it's just always like, oh, five seconds? | ||
| Do you have a heart on it? | ||
| I can't believe this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you? | |
| You're disgusting. | ||
| No, it's like that all the time. | ||
| I mean, I'm not even thinking anything. | ||
| You're my sister. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| Let me see it. | ||
| I want to see a porn that actually takes the amount of time it would take to convince someone. | ||
| It depends on who it is. | ||
| If it's a slut, it would be accurate. | ||
| But if it's, sorry to slut shame, but if it's, yeah, like a relationship. | ||
| Slut empowered. | ||
| You just slut empowered. | ||
| I don't think you shamed. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I slut empowered. | ||
| Some people like a long, drawn-out courtship sort of deal. | ||
| Some guys, guys that I'm friends with, they prefer that a girl doesn't want to sleep with them quickly because this way, this is a girl that is making good choices. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially in your 30s, you start thinking about, okay, this could be the one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You hear that a lot of times with guys. | ||
| I mean, that's how they always say you're supposed to play the game. | ||
| It's just be like, no, hold out for him, hold out for him. | ||
| And it's just like, whatever. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| You can have great relationships after a first one-night stand. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it happens all the time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I also get the appeal of it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know that people like to chase. | ||
| Both things are good. | ||
| Sometimes it's good to have a couple of cocktails and go, fuck it, let's do this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Of course! | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Why else were you drinking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Well, there's these moments where the universe creates, especially nightclub moments, couple of cocktails. | ||
| The universe just puts those little seeds out there. | ||
| You look at them, they look at you, and you're like, what do you think? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I'm like, yeah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Fucking yeah! | ||
| Wow! | ||
| But then, like, I always think about, like, I live in New York. | ||
| There's plenty of opportunities for that. | ||
| How do people in other cities, not even cities, towns, like, you're at a bar, what are you doing? | ||
| Like, what are the... | ||
| Farmersonly.com. | ||
| Yeah, is it all dating apps? | ||
| Yeah, there's a farmer's website dating app. | ||
| I know that one, yeah. | ||
| You know that one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a commercial for it. | ||
| Farmersonly.com. | ||
| It's like a hot girl in Daisy Duke shorts, like, with a tractor. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I'm like, Please tell me how many look like that. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| I'm sure there's hot farmer girls out there that live in those small towns near Hershey. | ||
| I know a farmer from back home. | ||
| He's really attractive and his wife's really attractive. | ||
| What the hell? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| Farmers work hard. | ||
| They fucking work too hard. | ||
| They work really hard for not a lot of money. | ||
| That's a difficult job. | ||
| That's like a whole government issue. | ||
| They have to mine their books carefully. | ||
| It's, I mean, and then part of it's just dependent on, like, the weather that year. | ||
| You work so hard and then all of a sudden it just doesn't rain? | ||
| How about Farmer's Almanacs? | ||
| Like, what in the fuck is that? | ||
| You can predict the rain two years from now? | ||
| Like, they have these books where they're, like, back before they had, like, real weather satellites, they had Farmer's Almanacs. | ||
| And they're accurate for the most part. | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| What kind of voodoo are they using? | ||
| It sounds like witchery. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is the thing. | ||
| There's a lot of things you hear from back then where people said they were witches and then you're like, yeah, but how did they know? | ||
| Well, do you know what that whole witch trial shit was about? | ||
| It was about ergot. | ||
| It was about late frosts. | ||
| When you have late frosts, a lot of wheat in particular, it develops fungus. | ||
| And that fungus is ergot. | ||
| It's one of the funguses that could grow on it. | ||
| And ergot produces lysergic acid. | ||
| It produces a very LSD-like effect. | ||
| So these people were getting acid from the bread. | ||
| So people were tripping balls and freaking out and thinking that... | ||
| And also, it's always women, right? | ||
| It's always men burning women. | ||
| It wasn't a warlock hunt. | ||
| It was a witch hunt. | ||
| So it was like, this bitch, she did it to me! | ||
| She's using witchcraft! | ||
| I bet a lot of it was men who were attracted to women, and those women weren't attracted to them, and they were angry, and then they were on acid. | ||
| And then they were like, oh my god, she's a witch. | ||
| And then they were paranoid, and they believed in witches back then, they believed in witchcraft, and why wouldn't you if you're on acid eating bread? | ||
| You didn't even know. | ||
| And all of a sudden you're like, I'm bewitched! | ||
| I have been bewitched! | ||
| Also, it's a much better excuse for your wife. | ||
| When you're like, no, she bewitched me. | ||
| She's a witch. | ||
| She's a witch. | ||
| There's no way women aren't going to turn on each other immediately. | ||
| They never burnt them, though. | ||
| That was a misnomer. | ||
| Is that a lie? | ||
| Yeah, they used to drown them, which is kind of morphed up. | ||
| Well, my favorite thing, not my favorite thing, my favorite thing in the world. | ||
| I like to hold them. | ||
| I hold their hair. | ||
| It was one of those things where it's like, we'll load her with rocks, and if she sinks, she's not a witch. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| But then she's dead. | ||
| Because she sank to the bottom. | ||
| And then we feel bad. | ||
| So then we're like, oh, she wasn't a witch. | ||
| Let's give her a nice burial. | ||
| But then if they put a bunch of rocks on you and you floated, you were a witch. | ||
| And so then they killed you. | ||
| But I'm going to guess they never found ones that didn't sink to the bottom. | ||
| Can you imagine if you had to live back then? | ||
| Forget about all the smells and the syphilis and all the fucking powdered wigs. | ||
| Then they're fucking drowning witches. | ||
| Like, Christ. | ||
| Yeah, and then, like, also you just have kids and they just keep dying. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like, you die. | ||
| Like, everyone's dying. | ||
| Everyone was always dying. | ||
| Well, that's also the whole life expectancy thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There were people, it's like, someone had, my friend Chris Ryan had explained that to me. | ||
| When people think that people back in the 1200s only lived to be 30 years old, on average, that's because of infant mortality. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| So there's so much infant mortality and childhood mortality that it lowered that, the life expectancy. | ||
| Yeah, people were living in the 60s and 70s. | ||
| It's just that all the babies were also dying. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| There's a book by Steven Pinker. | ||
| I can't remember the name of it is escaping me, but it's a really good book about like, oh my god, why can't I think of the name? | ||
| Can you look up a Steven Pinker book? | ||
| And it just essentially talks about like how things are actually, because you know people always say good old days, and how things are getting exponentially better and will continue to get better. | ||
| Yeah, he was on recently. | ||
| Oh, he was? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| About five, six months ago. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| I really like him. | ||
| I love his work. | ||
| I love Outliers. | ||
| Oh, that's Malcolm Gladwell. | ||
| That's Malcolm Gladwell, yeah. | ||
| I love that, too. | ||
| He was on recently, too. | ||
| He was on much more recently. | ||
| He was on, like, a couple weeks ago. | ||
| But Pinker's excellent. | ||
| He's just... | ||
| His work... | ||
| Enlightenment now? | ||
| Yes, yeah. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, he gets massive pushback on that. | ||
| That's what's interesting. | ||
| Because he's saying that everything's better, that there's less violence, there's less crime, there's less rape, there's less all these things. | ||
| And he shows it statistically. | ||
| And people are like, you're belittling all the horrible crimes that take place. | ||
| And you're enabling all these assholes to try to say things are fine and to not be protesting about all these issues. | ||
| Like, no, just using statistics. | ||
| And he's not like... | ||
| It's again, what makes me bad about the social justice stuff is that he's not saying, don't try to keep making things better. | ||
| Don't try to like, yeah, there are things we should protest. | ||
| He's just saying that like, no, statistically, we're headed in the right direction. | ||
| And then he even talks about anomalies where we do go backwards sometimes. | ||
| But like, this is all stuff where it's like, If you don't want to know the actual information, don't get in the fight to begin with. | ||
| Yeah, and don't look at statistics. | ||
| People don't want to know facts anymore. | ||
| They want to go based off their feelings. | ||
| That's a lot of what happens when you talk about women not being as strong as men. | ||
| With sports. | ||
| Yeah, with sports. | ||
| Other people, or men who are trying to fight for women, they want men and women to be as good as each other in sports. | ||
| And it's like, just because you want it, It doesn't mean it's true. | ||
| Very few people say that, but something that people do say is that a trans woman is equal to a biological woman. | ||
| And then that argument is horseshit. | ||
| And that argument has been disproved by all these women that are winning world records. | ||
| And they say, well, there's outliers in sports, period. | ||
| So that these people that are athletic anomalies like Michael Jordan or whoever, you know, people that are just supreme genetic athletes, so do you discount them? | ||
| But no, they're coming from a different gender, you fucking idiot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, you can't do that. | ||
| Like, I know what you're trying to do. | ||
| You're trying to find some loophole where it makes sense, where a six-foot-six man can play girls basketball. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you can't, because 90% of the population that's not on Twitter, the regular people are going to go, hey, fuck you. | ||
| And that's what's going on right now. | ||
| People are going, hey, fuck you. | ||
| Because this is crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Martina Navotrilova, they're calling her a bigot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They went after her. | |
| She's a famous lesbian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're calling her a bigot. | ||
| She's transphobic. | ||
| Martina and her transphobic comments. | ||
| No, she just wants things to be competitive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Have a trans-only league. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're welcome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Super simple. | ||
| There's so many of them. | ||
| It's not fair that it has to be separated. | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| Yeah, it is fair. | ||
| That's why men and women are separated. | ||
| Well, this is the argument that I got in with this guy on the show. | ||
| He was saying that there's not that much difference between men and women. | ||
| I go, okay, so you think women should be able to compete with men? | ||
| In sports. | ||
| He said, well, I'm not really saying that. | ||
| I'm like, well, that's exactly what you're saying. | ||
| Do you think that it's okay if women compete against men in weightlifting and in basketball? | ||
| How well do you think that would work out for women? | ||
| How well do you think it would work out in track and field? | ||
| How well do you think it would work out in anything? | ||
| It's nonsense. | ||
| There's a reason why there's a difference where we define men's sports and women's sports. | ||
| For fairness. | ||
| So we should have trans-only sports. | ||
| That way, just fucking, like... | ||
| If there's that many of them, you're going to find out how few they really are. | ||
| That's what's going to be really weird. | ||
| Is it not fair that they have to have their own league? | ||
| I mean, maybe, but also, none of this is fair. | ||
| I don't think it's not fair if they have their own league. | ||
| I think it's the only thing that's fair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, and it's like, none of us have made any of these choices. | ||
| We're all born the way we're born, right? | ||
| If you're a trans person, and you were born a man, but you've always believed that you're a woman, that's also not fair, you know? | ||
| That's a crazy predicament to be put into. | ||
| Yeah, for sure, yeah. | ||
| But that doesn't mean I want you competing with me because you're going to destroy me. | ||
| Yeah, it's not fair. | ||
| It's not fair. | ||
| But you know what is fair? | ||
| What? | ||
| Your comedy special that's on Netflix right now. | ||
| Is that a good segue? | ||
| Nah, it's terrible. | ||
| Stop lying. | ||
| What's it called again? | ||
| Joke show. | ||
| It's on right now, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It comes the 10th. | |
| Yeah, Tuesday. | ||
| So tonight at midnight. | ||
| Tonight at midnight. | ||
| Oh, exciting. | ||
| Yeah, I'm really excited for people to see it. | ||
| I've seen clips of it. | ||
| It's very funny. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You're very funny. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I'm really happy that you came on the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me too. | |
| It was fucking awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks. | |
| Yeah, I think I'm at a correspondence dinner. | ||
| All these people think I'm just a political comic. | ||
| And I'm like, I'll write jokes for any topic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I don't like telling political jokes. | ||
| But it was kind of cool, the correspondence dinner thing that put you on the map. | ||
| Yeah, I'm very happy I did it. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| And I stand by those jokes to this day. | ||
| They were great jokes. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| You got the president to tweet at you. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, come on. | ||
| Was it disconcerting when that was happening? | ||
| I just remember that when he tweeted at me, I like, because he tweeted once after the dinner and then sometime in like later in the year, like months after. | ||
| And I was doing like, I was doing a show in Brooklyn. | ||
| I don't have Twitter on my phone. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| No. | ||
| I only have it on my computer. | ||
| And I was out in Brooklyn doing shows and I was like drinking hot toddies because I think I was like feeling a little under the weather and I was like, this will fix it. | ||
| And I kept getting messages about this tweet, and I was like, what? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| What's happening? | ||
| And then I finally saw what happened, and I was like, well, I guess I gotta go home so I can tweet something back. | ||
| Go home after you've been drinking to tweet back at the president. | ||
| I'm like three hot toddies in, and I'm just like, all right, what can I say? | ||
| What was your be best? | ||
| You said something when you fucking roasted him. | ||
| We actually said it on the podcast. | ||
| Just now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| We actually, when you did it, we were howling. | ||
| We said what you said on the podcast. | ||
| He said something about when he, I don't remember the exact tweet he sent me, but it was like something so-called comedian did such a terrible job. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I bet you'd be on my side if I had killed a journalist. | ||
| And that was during the Khashoggi stuff or whatever it was. | ||
| Yeah, Jamal Khashoggi. | ||
| Yeah, the Saudi journalist that had been murdered. | ||
| This is what he said. | ||
| So-called comedian Michelle Wolf. | ||
| By the way, best fucking... | ||
| That is like some of the best publicity you could ever get. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The president says this. | ||
| Bombed so badly last year at the White House Correspondence Center. | ||
| First of all, not true. | ||
| You can go listen to the recordings. | ||
| People were laughing. | ||
| Like, come on. | ||
| This is so crazy that you say that. | ||
| Bombed so badly. | ||
| What? | ||
| Play it back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's play it back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh. | |
| What's all that noise? | ||
| There was parts of it where people got kind of quiet, but I remember I was like, first of all, this is for the audience at home. | ||
| But also, I was like, it's one of those rooms where you're like, yeah, there's... | ||
| At best, it feels fine. | ||
| It's like a corporate gig. | ||
| Exactly like a corporate gig. | ||
| They will have an author instead of a comedian. | ||
| What a great idea. | ||
| Good first step and comeback of a dying evening in tradition. | ||
| Maybe I will go? | ||
| Imagine that. | ||
| Maybe I'll go. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Oh, please, Donald. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have my new MAGA hat for that event. | |
| I love this because I don't know if he wrote this tweet though because the grammar is so perfect that I'm like... | ||
| Right, the dash in between so and called. | ||
| Yeah, it just feels like I was like, did someone else draft this? | ||
| Could be. | ||
| But maybe I will go. | ||
| Look at correspondence. | ||
| There's the correct apostrophe after the S. Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it feels like, I don't know, maybe he dictated this one and someone was like, I'm going to spell everything right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they've done various things to try to stop him. | ||
| This is 2018. They've done various things to try to slow down his use of Twitter and social media. | ||
| And I do think that there was a time when someone else was handling it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But now I think he just fucking goes guns blazing. | ||
| At some point. | ||
| Pops two Adderalls and a Sudafed and just starts fucking thumbing it. | ||
| Two Adderalls and a Sudafed. | ||
| Just gets after it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's fucking wild to see. | ||
| I had a dream last night, and I forgot about it until we started talking about it, that he was battle rapping and that some woman made a rap about him and then he made a rap back at her. | ||
| I had a dream. | ||
| Maybe it's because I knew you were coming in here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And we were probably going to talk about it. | ||
| What a weird fucking dream. | ||
| And his battle rap was pretty good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And people were like, that is pretty fucking good. | ||
| Like, it was a good battle rap. | ||
| He says stuff sometimes where you're like, that's like, that's bars, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| But then there's other times where you're like... | ||
| Then you're like, wait, but he's the president. | ||
| I wish he wasn't the president, because sometimes the shit he says is hilarious. | ||
| When he put a fucking giant Trump Tower on Greenland, when they were talking about whether or not we were going to buy Greenland, he goes, I promise not to do this. | ||
| And he shows Greenland with a giant gold Trump Tower in it. | ||
| He tweeted that! | ||
| The president, that's fucking hilarious! | ||
| It's funny, and then you're also like, oh, come on, why are you president? | ||
| Like, anytime he holds up a graph of any sort, I'm just like, this is great. | ||
| There's no Y-axis, you know? | ||
| Like, it's always stuff where you're just like, this is amazing. | ||
| Why are you president? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know if there's a better person to represent how crazy today is, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, if you wanted to look at, like, the personification- Michelle Wolf, thank you very much. | ||
| Your Netflix special will be, by the time people hear this, a little bit out later today, but the actual special will be Tuesday night at midnight? | ||
| Midnight. | ||
| Midnight Pacific. | ||
| Midnight Monday night. | ||
| Midnight Monday night, yeah. | ||
| Right, so Tuesday, it's out. | ||
| So you can hear this. | ||
| It's out. | ||
| Most likely it's out. | ||
| Go get it. | ||
| Go get it, bitches. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thanks for having me. | ||
| It was fun. |
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