Nov. 6, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:37:30
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Three, two, one. | ||
| Gregory! | ||
| Joseph! | ||
| Sober October's over. | ||
| But we were allowed to smoke cigars during Sober October for whatever reason. | ||
| But they do get you high. | ||
| They do give you a nice little buzz. | ||
| They do. | ||
| It's weird that that's thought of as being a sobriety thing. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| I mean, if you're smoking, people smoke cigarettes when they're sober. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All those fucking AA guys, right? | ||
| Those guys were always... | ||
| Those guys were always smoking. | ||
| Those guys will tell you you can't have a non-alcoholic beer, which I do. | ||
| I haven't had a drink. | ||
| It'll be fucking 30 years next month that I haven't had a drink. | ||
| Didn't you have like one or two when Meanie died? | ||
| When Meanie died, I had some scotch. | ||
| That's a weird one, right? | ||
| I had like... | ||
| I didn't get drunk, but I had like a few shots. | ||
| Did you feel weird about that? | ||
| It had been all those years. | ||
| I think I felt so weird about him being dead that the whole thing felt surreal anyway. | ||
| And, um... | ||
| I haven't really... | ||
| I haven't had the desire... | ||
| I can't say I can't have the desire. | ||
| It's more of just like... | ||
| You feel like there's times where you want to just do what everybody else is doing and just chill out. | ||
| And you see everybody getting more mellow and relaxed and social. | ||
| And especially if I'm in a situation where... | ||
| You know, it's a bunch of people I don't know that well. | ||
| Maybe it's your kids, friends, parent kind of situation. | ||
| Nice glass of wine to take the edge off. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| But you did the couple glasses of scotch, and then you didn't go right back to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like you became a 21-year-old drunk Greg again. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, a lot of it has to do with my father. | ||
| And he was an alcoholic, and I saw... | ||
| I saw his depression. | ||
| I have the same depression as he does, and I felt like when I drank, it wasn't always for fun. | ||
| A lot of times it was like dealing with feelings and bullshit like that. | ||
| And so I saw him as an unhappy guy who was unfulfilled in a lot of ways, and I saw the alcohol was a big part of why his life wasn't what it could have been. | ||
| And I just sort of feel like, you know, maybe I could drink, but maybe I can't. | ||
| Why fuck with it? | ||
| No, why fuck with it? | ||
| I'll tell you what, man. | ||
| I just got done with a whole month of being sober and then I had my first drinks this weekend. | ||
| I felt like shit. | ||
| No kidding. | ||
| I felt like shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I had a couple of glasses of wine, went to play pool, and I was having a hard time focusing on the ball. | ||
| I was looking at the ball. | ||
| I was like, three glasses of wine? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's all it takes? | ||
| Three glasses of wine? | ||
| I'm having a hard time seeing? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It took like, because everything's just a little off, it took like an hour before my liver processed it enough where I could play pool well again. | ||
| Do you think you just lost your tolerance? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I've never been a big drinker anyway. | ||
| But it was interesting doing sets. | ||
| That's what's always interesting. | ||
| It's not like a shot before I go on stage. | ||
| I always like to do a shot of Jack before I go on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just, whoa! | |
| That's a standard for you? | ||
| Yeah, a little bit of whiskey. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| For a big show, just one shot. | ||
| Bang! | ||
| Yeah, Brian Regan, one shot of frozen peppermint schnapps before he goes out. | ||
| Or of peach schnapps. | ||
| It gives you like this. | ||
| But it's not necessary. | ||
| You know, it's definitely not. | ||
| I mean, I did a lot of shows this month. | ||
| Stone Cold Soba. | ||
| Isn't it weird, though, the human condition that we're born with this set of, you know, this brain and these neurological pathways and this relationship to the universe and the people around us, and that we want to, whether it's smoking pot or drinking or taking opiates, we want to change the natural state of our brain. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that fucking weird? | ||
| It's very weird. | ||
| Because it's all we talk about. | ||
| All people talk about, dude, what did you do last week? | ||
| Oh, dude, we got fucked up. | ||
| I changed my brain. | ||
| I made myself dumber. | ||
| All weekend, I made myself dumber. | ||
| Did a bunch of stupid shit I should have never done. | ||
| And I did stupid shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because in our natural state, we don't do goofy shit enough. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But then I learned when I quit drinking that I could be just as crazy. | ||
| People didn't realize I quit. | ||
| I'd be hanging out with my same friends in the same bar until four in the morning. | ||
| We'd go to a wedding. | ||
| I'd be the last guy on the dance floor, first guy on the dance floor. | ||
| And I just was like, you know, this doesn't have to change me, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can just enjoy fun. | ||
| You just enjoy fun. | ||
| It takes a little bit more of, I think you have to sort of break through walls a little bit more as opposed to just the booze does that for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you can still get there. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good way of looking at it. | ||
| The one thing that I found that affects my writing. | ||
| Marijuana is like steroids for writing. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| Really? | ||
| For you? | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Dude, this weekend, as soon as I started getting high again, I'm fucking, my notebook's full. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| All these crazy ideas. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Half of them are dog shit for sure. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Half of them, at least half of them are dog shit. | ||
| Half would be, you're doing pretty well. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty good, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I got a few that I'm like, ooh, there's something in this. | ||
| There's something in this one. | ||
| Definitely something in this one. | ||
| So, is it like after the show you get high and then you write or you do it during the day? | ||
| Well, I didn't do any shows this weekend because I was in New York for the UFC. And I had some friends that I was going to see while I was down there. | ||
| My friend Tommy. | ||
| So I was playing pool with him. | ||
| And Hinchcliffe came with me too. | ||
| He plays pool too. | ||
| But I just decided to not do comedy this weekend. | ||
| I'm like, I'm here for the UFC. I only got a chance to see Tommy. | ||
| He's like one of my good friends from fucking 2018. Five years ago? | ||
| More? | ||
| 28 years ago, maybe? | ||
| I might know him for almost 30 years. | ||
| I've known him for fucking ever. | ||
| We've become old men together. | ||
| But we get together and play pool until like 2 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| I haven't had a chance to do that forever. | ||
| I only really get a chance to do it once a year when I see him. | ||
| So I decided not to do any shows. | ||
| But just... | ||
| While we were playing, I was just getting all these ideas. | ||
| Generally, I like writing at night when everyone's asleep. | ||
| That's my favorite time to write. | ||
| I like to come home from the store and I sit around with the laptop and I just start writing. | ||
| Just force myself to just write for an hour or so. | ||
| Just write. | ||
| Just free form. | ||
| Just get it all down. | ||
| Yeah, have a subject to start. | ||
| I don't try to write in joke form. | ||
| I try to write essays and then I try to extract ideas out of those and then turn those into material. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's the way to do it. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| I used to do this thing called the writer's way, which is this great way to... | ||
| It's not just for writing, but just to get your creativity flowing. | ||
| And one of the things you do is you get out of bed in the morning and you don't have your coffee. | ||
| You just take a piss. | ||
| You don't have to take a piss. | ||
| You can shit. | ||
| Like, if you want to shit, you can shit. | ||
| You're allowed to? | ||
| You're allowed to shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| As a matter of fact, I think that probably helps a lot. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You don't want the... | ||
| Shit inside of you. | ||
| What are you trying to write? | ||
| Also, what better feeling than your anus like re-puckered after delivering like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just a giant dump of lumber. | |
| Just a little halo over the log floating in the water. | ||
| And then you sit down and you write three pages non-stop. | ||
| You don't let the pen stop. | ||
| And then you go about your day. | ||
| And you get out. | ||
| It's amazing what your subconscious will get out when you just keep the pen flowing. | ||
| And like you said, a lot of it's garbage, but within it, there's going to be a couple kernels that are good. | ||
| Yeah, that's how creativity works with me. | ||
| I mean, I'm not a consistent hitter. | ||
| I'm not a 500 hitter in terms of creativity. | ||
| If I get half, half is amazing. | ||
| Half would be amazing. | ||
| 500 is amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, most of it's garbage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sometimes I go back and it just gets frustrating reading some of the shit I wrote. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck are you... | ||
| But I know what I'm doing. | ||
| Like, when I'm writing, I'm just trying to see if I can dig something out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I'm out there with a metal detector. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Some guy just found some fucking incredible ancient treasure using a metal detector. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See if we can find that, Jamie. | ||
| On a beach? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I want to say... | ||
| Fuck, what era was it from? | ||
| Ship, right? | ||
| No, no, that was a different one. | ||
| Yeah, that was a crazy one too. | ||
| A guy found a fucking shipwreck that was on the beach that was exposed by a crazy storm. | ||
| Like a storm came along and it pulled away so much of the sand that a fucking shipwreck was there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| This guy's there walking his dog. | ||
| He's like, um, what the fuck is this? | ||
| This is a boat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Oh, here it is. | ||
| It's, uh, what is that? | ||
| Three million pounds? | ||
| Is that pounds? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| War hoard of 6,000 gold artifacts from 650 A.D. uncovered in Staffordshire Field using a two-pound metal detector for $2. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Is that pounds or euros? | ||
| What is that one? | ||
| I think that's British pounds. | ||
| So from 650 A.D. So 650 years after Jesus is murdered. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Look at that shit. | ||
| Look how gorgeous that is. | ||
| Still got the fur on the top. | ||
| We're looking at a gold helmet. | ||
| This really intricate carved gold helmet with a fucking, like a mohawk. | ||
| A fur mohawk. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| And look at the detail. | ||
| It wasn't corroded at all in that salt water all those years. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty amazing. | ||
| Where's Staffordshire? | ||
| It said it was in a field. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Right? | ||
| So this wasn't salt water. | ||
| Oh my god, look how beautiful that shit is. | ||
| That's amazing! | ||
| A scabbard boss. | ||
| I don't even know what a boss is. | ||
| What is a boss? | ||
| A scabbard boss? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Which is part of an Anglo-Saxon hoard found by Terry Herbert. | ||
| Terry's ballin' right now. | ||
| Yeah, Terry. | ||
| How about Terry? | ||
| What did Terry do? | ||
| Did he sell it? | ||
| I mean, do you keep some? | ||
| You gotta keep some of it. | ||
| Are you allowed? | ||
| What happens there? | ||
| Sold to museums for $3.285 million with the funds were split between them. | ||
| He used a metal detector. | ||
| Oh, in the field of Farmer Fred Johnson. | ||
| Oh, so they split it. | ||
| Him and Fred split it up. | ||
| So they both got a million and a half. | ||
| Not bad. | ||
| But it's pounds to dollars. | ||
| It's not the same. | ||
| I think it's like a buck twenty. | ||
| So he's super balling. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Eighty percent of the items identified were fittings from weapons, mostly swords, and research believe it's remarkable so many were made from gold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Shit. | ||
| Nine pounds of gold included were fifty incredible rare gold sword pommels as well as parts of a golden helmet. | ||
| Fucking A, man. | ||
| The golden age is period of Anglo-Saxon England. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| This was a period when gold was suddenly much more available and was converted into beautiful objects for the warrior elite. | ||
| I wonder why it was more available. | ||
| What makes gold more available? | ||
| Did they figure out how to pull it out of the ground or something? | ||
| They hadn't started grabbing it from other countries yet. | ||
| I guess that was their own local gold. | ||
| Look at this, the quotation, look at this. | ||
| A collection includes, it's believed, a battle shrine with a processional, I don't know what that word means, processional cross, suggesting Christian emblems were used as good luck charms for battle. | ||
| On it is a quotation from the Book of Number, which reads, Rise up, Lord, and let thine enemies be scattered, and let them that hate thee flee before thee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boy. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Wouldn't you love to hear people talk back then? | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| It probably was so confusing. | ||
| Like, Game of Thrones, they talk like us. | ||
| But they didn't talk like us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They had some weird lingo back then. | ||
| Well, Game of Thrones is obviously fake, but it was supposed to be a long time ago, right? | ||
| Yeah, and I'm sure they researched. | ||
| I mean, everything about that show was so authentic. | ||
| I'm sure they went back and tried to find the way people spoke at that time. | ||
| Well, not really, though, because it's not really about a time. | ||
| It's about a fantasy land. | ||
| Well, I think it was The War of the Roses it was based on, which was, I think, around the first century, wasn't it? | ||
| Yeah, but they got fucking Dark Knights or White Knights or whatever. | ||
| Oh yeah, no, they mixed a lot of it together. | ||
| Night King. | ||
| But I think there was a point where the British Empire was divided into whatever it was, five or six different kingdoms. | ||
| Oh, that's what they based it on? | ||
| Yeah, that were all fighting for the throne. | ||
| Apparently they're going to do a prequel now. | ||
| Like those guys, they were not going to do it, they were going to cancel it, but they're going to do it now. | ||
| I heard it got cancelled. | ||
| Yeah, I heard it got cancelled. | ||
| But there was just something a couple of days ago that said they're doing... | ||
| A preview, hundreds of years before. | ||
| That's about the Targaryens. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Get back after it, you fucks. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Give me anything. | ||
| The thing about that show is, they kill everybody. | ||
| So they can always have new people. | ||
| They fucking kill everybody. | ||
| Remember the Red Wedding? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| HBO finally issued a statement on the cancelled. | ||
| It's cancelled. | ||
| Thumbs down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bad news. | |
| It's over. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, sorry. | ||
| What? | ||
| What do they say? | ||
| What's their statement? | ||
| They're bringing back Arliss, so they need space. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Ah! | ||
| That's why he won an Emmy, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| That's writing. | ||
| What is the statement? | ||
| Is this a good excuse? | ||
| What could their good excuse be? | ||
| We suck and we hate money? | ||
| It just says they decide not to move forward with the series. | ||
| Fuck out of here. | ||
| Well, part of the problem is that... | ||
| Who's the guy that wrote all the... | ||
| That wrote the books that it was based on, and he wrote the first... | ||
| George Martin? | ||
| George Martin wrote all of them until they got to the last season, the last two seasons, and then he ran out of steam. | ||
| And that's why they weren't as good. | ||
| People say that last season wasn't as good as the rest, because it was the two showrunners that had... | ||
| I thought the last season was excellent up until the last episode. | ||
| The last episode was kind of like, how do we end this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's make the guy in the wheelchair a king. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Let's make him gay, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just... | |
| Come on, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, they didn't... | ||
| You know, and you think about the last episode of any show is going to get a lot of... | ||
| Remember how much shit Seinfeld got for the last episode? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Because they didn't do anything, and Game of Thrones did the same thing. | ||
| They punted. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They didn't go for anything. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, the beautiful thing about NewsRadio's last episode is we didn't know it was our last episode. | ||
| It was the only time we ever thought we were going to get picked up. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| And that was how many seasons? | ||
| Five. | ||
| The ratings were good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The last season, we were like, we did pretty good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're like, fuck it. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Probably because Phil was dead. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and Lovitz came back. | ||
| Lovitz replaced Phil, but... | ||
| How many seasons was that? | ||
| Just one? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The final season. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I mean, who knows? | ||
| It was also the problem with the news radio was news radio was not owned by NBC. Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So it was one of those shows where we moved at least eight times during the five years that we were on the air. | ||
| Your time slot. | ||
| Yeah, just always moving. | ||
| And this is before the internet, so you couldn't tell people. | ||
| It's not like you could tweet, hey, news radio is going to be on Monday at eight o'clock, but you don't give a fuck because you have a DVR. Right. | ||
| So just DVR it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| No, you found it when it was on, if you were lucky. | ||
| And they didn't advertise that much. | ||
| I was like, News radio, moving to Friday at 8. It just would move around. | ||
| We moved all over the fucking place. | ||
| What was it on, NBC? NBC, yeah. | ||
| Did you ever have a good lead-in? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| One time we were on the Thursday night, which was the big night with Seinfeld and friends, and we crushed it. | ||
| Yeah, we were like number two in the world. | ||
| Is that how they launched you? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I don't remember how they launched. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| But I remember one time we were on Thursday and everybody was so excited. | ||
| Hey, it'll be on Thursday. | ||
| We'll be right after Caroline and the Shitty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what we used to call it. | ||
| You remember Caroline and the Shitty? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, right. | |
| It was a few of those shows, like The Single Guy. | ||
| Like, what is this? | ||
| And they stayed on forever. | ||
| Because they were owned by someone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
NBC Productions. | |
| Either NBC or someone who had a deal with NBC, Warner Brothers or whoever it was. | ||
| That's the weird thing about... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's how it used to be, at least. | ||
| Now I think that model's kind of out the window. | ||
| Now they take that sweet spot after their number one show and they try to launch something. | ||
| They'll put something they like in there to get it legs, and then once it's good, they try to create that. | ||
| And want that to be the lead-in for another show. | ||
| It's like baseball. | ||
| Managing baseball. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But who the fuck? | ||
| I mean, like, who's watching TV with commercials now? | ||
| Like, who's sitting there and actually watching TV with commercials? | ||
| Like, how much time do you have? | ||
| And do you not know that there are so many shows that you could watch that don't have commercials? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you could just watch those and record that one and then come back and watch them when it doesn't have commercials or fast-forward through the commercials. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or just get Hulu. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Pay $10 a month and watch the history of television. | ||
| Pilots! | ||
| I go back and watch Pilots on Hulu. | ||
| That's the fucking greatest. | ||
| Dude, the Taxi Pilot I just watched recently. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Taxi? | |
| I forgot about Taxi. | ||
| The Taxi Pilot was so fucking heartwarming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| God, it was about Alex Krieger had a daughter that he hadn't seen, he was estranged from, and he was basically like a deadbeat dad. | ||
| And it was about him reconnecting with her. | ||
| And the second half of the episode was all of them in a fucking New York taxi driving down to Florida so he could meet his daughter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Nowadays, it has to be like, alright, what's the simplest, most basic storyline that lets you – you've got to get to know each character, each relationship, two or three great act breaks. | ||
| There's so much criteria that go into the structure of it. | ||
| There's no room for anything interesting to happen. | ||
| Where's the diversity? | ||
| Where's the diversity? | ||
| Do you have diversity? | ||
| Where's the inclusiveness? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Inclusivity and diversity. | ||
| What's the message? | ||
| What's the heart? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you can't just make a whack. | ||
| Well, I mean, you kind of can. | ||
| Curb your enthusiasm is still that... | ||
| HBO. Yeah, but the networks haven't done much. | ||
| Well, the networks did cool stuff with, like, The Office. | ||
| 30 Rock was kind of interesting. | ||
| Well, the dumbest thing in the networks, for sure, are the presidential debates. | ||
| The fact that they take these people that are running for the most important job in the fucking known universe, and they... | ||
| We're out of time. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thank you, Mr. Senator. | ||
| Thank you, Mr. Senator. | ||
| We're out of time. | ||
| Thank you, Ms. Congresswoman. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thank you, Mrs. Congresswoman. | ||
| You're out of time. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You have 80 seconds to just fucking spill out as many words and get your point across and try to go viral. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the worst part is then you got like the also-rans that are like on the edge of the... | ||
| They got the last podium on the left. | ||
| The guy's like the mayor of Dayton. | ||
| And he's trying to get headlines by taking a shot at the real candidates. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Which just hurts the Democratic Party. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It just makes the main guy look bad because he's... | ||
| So, they got a winnow down the field. | ||
| I think a couple people just dropped out. | ||
| Beto O'Rourke just dropped out. | ||
| Shocking! | ||
| I thought that guy had King written all over him. | ||
| At the beginning. | ||
| At the beginning. | ||
| Fuck out of here. | ||
| He never did. | ||
| But he was this guy that, he got hot from running against, who'd he run against? | ||
| Ted Cruz in Texas. | ||
| Texas, of all places. | ||
| He's running against a guy who's a fucking, you know, arch-conservative. | ||
| And he comes out as this bleeding-heart liberal and almost wins. | ||
| And it's like, all of a sudden, Texas is not a red state. | ||
| It's starting to become like a purple state. | ||
| Purple's a good word for it. | ||
| Well, Austin's very weird, right? | ||
| Austin is this super blue area in a red state. | ||
| But it's also got a lot of cowboys and guns and barbecue. | ||
| It's such a great place. | ||
| Fucking great place. | ||
| Austin is one of the best places on earth. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| And people figured that out, too. | ||
| You go there and the fucking traffic is absurd. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like, why are you all here? | ||
| Oh, you found out it's awesome. | ||
| There's a great place to shoot pool there called the Jackalope. | ||
| Jack-o-lantern, Jackalope? | ||
| And it's just like, you just go in there and fucking everybody says hi. | ||
| Hey, you want to shoot a game? | ||
| Let me buy you a beer. | ||
| Great fucking music on the jukebox. | ||
| And I love that place. | ||
| Yeah, it's not. | ||
| Well, they're a little, I mean, they're kind of aware that it's supposed to be kind of cool. | ||
| So they act a little cool. | ||
| Like, you know, keep Austin weird, those t-shirts. | ||
| By the way, if you wear one of those fucking t-shirts, those Keep Austin Weird t-shirts, you're a part of the problem. | ||
| You're not weird. | ||
| You know, you're not weird, and if you're selling them, you're a piece of shit. | ||
| You just, you're fucking it all up. | ||
| You found this spot, and you're fucking doing those Hollywood lights, you know, when they have a premiere. | ||
| Come on, everyone, here's the spot. | ||
| Let's come ruin it! | ||
| Let's make a documentary about why it's cool. | ||
| When I first started going there, though, man, I was just stunned. | ||
| I was like, what a cool fucking place. | ||
| People are educated and aware, but also Southern. | ||
| They have a Southern accent, a Texas accent, but they're also educated and very friendly and open-minded. | ||
| It's a very unique place. | ||
| And great fucking music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm playing there. | ||
| I'm going to Cap City soon. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| One of my favorite clubs. | ||
| It's a great club. | ||
| The only club I did this whole year, like on the road. | ||
| Oh, no shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I was about four or five months after my special, and I just put together an hour that I could kind of go on the road with. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm like, this is good. | ||
| Let's go to Cap City. | ||
| Bang out two shows a night. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| It's just a great place, man. | ||
| It's a fun place. | ||
| I've had so much fun there. | ||
| That club, it's got fun soaked into the floorboards. | ||
| It's a club where so many great comics have performed there. | ||
| They've got good taste. | ||
| Yeah, they curate good shows. | ||
| I mean, they get all kinds of comedy. | ||
| Like, Maria Bamford will be there one week, and the next week it'll be fucking Doug Stanhope or somebody like that. | ||
| It's just, you know, they're all over the place. | ||
| But it's not downtown, though. | ||
| That's the only thing, is you've got to take a little Uber into town. | ||
| It's about five, ten minutes out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, but at nighttime, it's fine. | ||
| The real problem there is rush hour. | ||
| They have a real rush hour now. | ||
| They didn't have a real rush hour 10 years ago. | ||
| 10 years ago, you could get around in Austin. | ||
| It was no issue. | ||
| I think it's where young kids get out of college now, and when they used to go to San Francisco, now they go to Austin. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of tech startups there. | ||
| There's a lot of the tech business... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, Onnit's there, too. | ||
| There's a lot of shit there. | ||
| Onnit's there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, no shit. | ||
| Onnit Gym's there as well. | ||
| The factories there, everything's there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You go there much? | ||
| Not that often. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| Maybe once a year. | ||
| No board meetings you have to be at? | ||
| I'm not a board meeting kind of guy. | ||
| I can picture you at a board meeting. | ||
| Stoned. | ||
| Stoned. | ||
| Looking at your watch, checking your fucking phone. | ||
| Checking my Instagram. | ||
| Let's see if anybody posted a good Epstein didn't kill himself meme. | ||
| Oh, fucking Epstein. | ||
| Man, what a story. | ||
| What a story. | ||
| And so now, what did they say? | ||
| That it looks like he was choked to death? | ||
| Yeah, his brother hired a real fucking autopsy guy to check it out, including that guy Michael Badden from that HBO autopsy show. | ||
| That guy said he was murdered. | ||
| Who dinged? | ||
| I might have dinged. | ||
| Do you remember that show, HBO Autopsy? | ||
| No. | ||
| It was a great show that was on basically pre-internet, where you would watch these wacky fucking stories of people that got busted murdering people by this one really good autopsy coroner. | ||
| And this coroner, Dr. Michael Badden, one of the ones I'll never forget, he took this one lady, he was in love with this lady, and she died, and he stole her corpse and had it in his house, and put a tube where her vagina was, and he had bought cases and cases of perfume, because she was rotting in his bed, and he would just douse her in perfume and keep fucking her. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| And he put a tube in a vagina so that it didn't collapse? | ||
| Well, he put a tube there so he could fuck the tube. | ||
| He put a fuckhole in this dead lady's body. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, oh my god, dude. | ||
| And apparently, it was like, the smell was insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, horrific. | ||
| And this guy, one of the, I think, one of the ways they were suspicious, like, why is this motherfucker buying cases of perfume? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he put a mask over her face, and just the fact that it used to be her was enough. | ||
| I forget his deal. | ||
| I want to say he was a doctor, and she was a patient of his, and he was in love with her. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Yeah, just some dude who just had a fucking major fuse blow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It just goes to show you don't know who it's going to be. | ||
| It's not just some derelict on the street. | ||
| It could be your fucking doctor who snaps. | ||
| Doctors are just humans, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're just humans. | ||
| And a lot of them have access to drugs because of the fact that they're doctors. | ||
| There was a book called Dead Doctors Don't Lie. | ||
| And it was basically the gist of the book was that a lot of people are dealing with mineral deficiencies. | ||
| And that mineral deficiencies, it's by a guy named Dr. Joel Wallach. | ||
| It's a controversial book, and his ideas are fairly controversial, but they're not controversial in the sense that in animal husbandry, in animal agriculture, people are very aware that you need to supplement the diet of a lot of animals with minerals. | ||
| For instance, some of the places where I hunt, they don't bait animals. | ||
| These are wild animals that are in these giant ranches. | ||
| There's a place in Utah that I go to. | ||
| It's like 270,000 acres. | ||
| Huge place. | ||
| But every fucking mile or so, they scatter. | ||
| They'll put these mineral licks. | ||
| And it's a mineral lick so that the deer and the elk get minerals in their diet. | ||
| Because animals like desperately need minerals and sometimes they don't get enough of it from their diet. | ||
| And particularly from foods where the ground is deficient in minerals. | ||
| Like when you... | ||
| Say if you have, like if you're growing corn, monocrops is what they call monocrop agriculture. | ||
| You're growing corn on like fucking 700 acres, just growing corn. | ||
| Well when they till that land, like every year that land has less minerals. | ||
| You're not supposed to grow the same thing in the same place forever. | ||
| And the places that are doing it right, they do what's called regenerative agriculture. | ||
| And there's a real good argument for it's one of the reasons why it's good to raise grass-fed cattle in these areas because the manure from the cattle actually is a great fertilizer. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| And also scraps from food, fish and different things. | ||
| You need nitrate. | ||
| You need nitrogen, and nitrogen is very difficult to get when you want to put it into the ground for fertilizer and all these other different minerals. | ||
| Phosphorus. | ||
| Yeah, all kinds of shit. | ||
| You have to add that stuff to the soil now because the topsoil has been so eroded from continuous over-farming. | ||
| And that his contention was that most of us, even if you're eating vegetables and you're getting stuff at the grocery store, you're getting things that are minerally deficient. | ||
| They're not optimally mineralized, if that's a word. | ||
| I don't think that's a word. | ||
| But there's not... | ||
| So I take colloidal minerals. | ||
| It's just a liquid form of minerals, like minerals that come from... | ||
| There's a type of water that's like a very rich in mineral water that is called glacial milk. | ||
| And basically what it is is the runoff from glaciers that it carries an incredible amount of minerals in it to the point where the water actually kind of looks kind of milky. | ||
| And you can get that in some places, some places on Earth, people, their water actually looks like that because it's got so many minerals in it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And these people have like dark hair and, you know, health benefits are attributed to that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm not smart enough to know whether or not that's accurate. | ||
| But there's definitely some benefit, some health benefit to taking minerals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right, people go to mineral spas. | ||
| I mean, that was the miracle elixir. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you take any minerals? | ||
| I don't take anything. | ||
| Is that glacial milk? | ||
| Yeah, fresh water meets glacial milk in Iceland. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Damn. | ||
| So that stuff on the right is just fucking overwhelmingly packed with minerals. | ||
| So they just bottle that shit? | ||
| I think you probably could get too many minerals, too. | ||
| I mean, there's always the balance. | ||
| What is a good intake? | ||
| Like, I don't take shit. | ||
| I think sometimes I take vitamin D. Vitamin D is good, especially for a white fellow like yourself. | ||
| If you're not getting enough sun. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| That's why I take it. | ||
| That's real good. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Do you take D3? That's all I take. | ||
| D3 is very good. | ||
| I take B. I take D. I take multivitamins. | ||
| I take what this is called. | ||
| It's a company called Pure. | ||
| Pure Encapsulations. | ||
| And they have an athlete pure pack. | ||
| It's very nice because it's real simple. | ||
| A little packet I take. | ||
| Not a sponsor. | ||
| Take this packet, just bring them with me on the road, open it up, and just take those. | ||
| And then I also take... | ||
| There's a company called Athletic Greens, and they make a really good supplement that I pour into water, and it's very easy. | ||
| And it's got a bunch of different shit, vitamins and minerals. | ||
| That is a sponsor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| That's good, too, because it's whole food-based. | ||
| There's nothing synthesized. | ||
| It's all based on food. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| But I think you really should take something. | ||
| It's so hard to make sure that you're getting all the vitamins that you need from your food, especially when you go on the road. | ||
| On the road, unless you know you're eating in a really good organic restaurant where you're getting high-quality vegetables, high-quality meat. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| Hotels have gotten a lot better, man. | ||
| In our lifetime, hotel food used to be garbage. | ||
| How about airport food? | ||
| Airport food's gotten great. | ||
| Way better. | ||
| You've got lemonades in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You can get real food at the airport. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a big issue, man. | ||
| It's a big issue for people that go on the road. | ||
| Because you're on the road three or four days in a row eating fucking Jack in the Box. | ||
| You start feeling like shit. | ||
| I mean, Comedy Club food in 50 years has not gotten any better. | ||
| It's deep fried chicken wings and... | ||
| Except Comedy Magic Club. | ||
| Comedy Magic's got good food. | ||
| Dude, they give you a fucking serious restaurant steak there. | ||
| Like, you could go there and eat a legit excellent dinner and see a show. | ||
| Oh, what am I saying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I've had plenty of dinners there. | ||
| Very good. | ||
| Right, they do have good food. | ||
| Ice House has good burgers, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ice House has very good burgers. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| But Comedy Magic Club is probably the top. | ||
| You know what's good, too, is Hilarity's in Cleveland. | ||
| They've got the Pickwick and Frolic restaurant upstairs. | ||
| Yes, I was just there. | ||
| That's a good restaurant. | ||
| I was just there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, we went to see Jesse May. | ||
| Me and Santino. | ||
| Jesse May was playing at Hilarity's, and we were over at this arena. | ||
| So we came down and saw Jesse May, and I had a prime rib. | ||
| It was fucking great. | ||
| It's good, right? | ||
| Very good, very good. | ||
| Nick Costas is the guy that runs that place. | ||
| Although Santino got food poisoning. | ||
| No! | ||
| Yes, he did. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| Yes, he did. | ||
| We don't know where he got it. | ||
| I'm assuming it was the vegetables. | ||
| I mean, that's a lot of times where people get it. | ||
| You get it from things that aren't washed properly or sit out. | ||
| They say that a large percentage of food poisoning cases are salad. | ||
| Yeah, I could see that. | ||
| Yeah, it's handled wrong, not washed correctly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, a lot of people, when they get E. coli, they get it from salad because of the runoff from animal agriculture. | ||
| The runoff from the shit, animal shit. | ||
| Gets into the water, the water gets into the lettuce, or the spinach is a big one. | ||
| Spinach, a lot of people get E. coli. | ||
| Well, that's why if you go to a third world country where you don't trust the water, stay away from the salad. | ||
| Oh, yeah, right? | ||
| That's the first thing they say is don't eat lettuce in a third world country. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, meat is meat. | ||
| Right. | ||
| As long as it's seared on the outside, you're golden. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Look at Anthony Bardin. | ||
| He would just go to fucking Vietnam and go to a street meat shop where there's no running water and he'd just gobble down some fucking whatever meat. | ||
| He didn't even know what meat it was. | ||
| Well, they used to drink wine when people would travel to prevent traveler's illness. | ||
| Because they didn't want to drink water. | ||
| Because if you found a fucking pond somewhere and you try to suck some water out of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like back then, it wasn't a lot. | ||
| I mean, you had to boil it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Nowadays, they have a bunch of different things you could do to water if you find it. | ||
| Like you could take water out of a fucking elk wallow. | ||
| You know what an elk wallow is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a puddle that elk piss in, and they wallow around in it, and they get their scent on it, especially when they're rutting, when they're having sex with the female elk. | ||
| They get in there, and they piss all over the water, and they roll around in it, and so you get this muddy puddle. | ||
| And sometimes hikers, like if you're on some serious fucking trek, you know, you're doing like the Appalachian Trail or something like that, and your water scares, you can't find a creek, you gotta take the water out of an elk wallow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No shit! | |
| I have friends that have done that. | ||
| And you throw it through some filters. | ||
| What they do is they'll take it and they'll throw it through filters. | ||
| They'll put it through a biological filter first. | ||
| So there's like a filter that's like a pump. | ||
| But the problem is those pumps can get clogged up because they're basically taking the sediment and then they're filtering it out. | ||
| And then you get the water afterwards. | ||
| It still tastes like piss. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because there's piss in it. | ||
| You're drinking piss. | ||
| You're just drinking piss that's not contaminated with something that can kill you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So then, a lot of times, guys, even after that, they take something called a SteriPen. | ||
| You ever heard of a SteriPen? | ||
| Steri is short for sterilization pen. | ||
| And it uses some kind of light. | ||
| Pull up a SteriPen. | ||
| I don't want to say this wrong. | ||
| But utilizing some sort of light, some sort of... | ||
| I forgot what kind of light. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| UV light. | ||
| UV light. | ||
| And you keep it in the water for a certain amount of time. | ||
| It just nukes everything. | ||
| Kills everything. | ||
| But still... | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Tastes like piss. | ||
| So you're drinking piss. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're definitely drinking piss. | ||
| So a lot of times guys will take... | ||
| Like they sell these different... | ||
| There's a SteriPen. | ||
| So that little thing with that light, you spin it around inside your glass of water, and depending upon the amount of ounces, a certain amount of time, but it's not that much time, shockingly. | ||
| It's like 10 minutes, and sometimes guys even throw iodine tablets in water. | ||
| The whole deal is just kill anything that can fuck you up. | ||
| And just get over the fact that it's going to taste like piss. | ||
| And then they also take... | ||
| There's a bunch of companies. | ||
| There's a company called Mountain Ops. | ||
| They have stuff that you throw into the water to make the water taste better. | ||
| I wonder if you'd drink a glass of that. | ||
| If you saw a female elk and she started presenting... | ||
| Did you get hard? | ||
| You'd get hard as a rock. | ||
| I think you'd probably want to suck an elk's dick. | ||
| You'd probably... | ||
| You're probably gay for elk. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's not gay if it's an animal. | ||
| It's a male animal. | ||
| Oh, that's bestiality. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah, they should get those into third world countries, some version of that, to help people drink water. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they definitely do. | ||
| They definitely do get filters and different things like that in certain countries. | ||
| You know, we're involved with Fight for the Forgotten. | ||
| It's my good buddy, Justin Wren. | ||
| So he's got a charity where they build wells for the Pygmies in the Congo. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And through this podcast and through this company, a company called the Cash App, they've raised thousands and thousands of dollars and built a bunch of wells. | ||
| They're in the process of building them now, and we've donated a bunch of money to Oh, that's amazing. | ||
| It's very cool. | ||
| But my point being, this motherfucker was just here last week, and he's got a parasite they can't even identify. | ||
| And he's had it for six months. | ||
| And he gets so fucked up, like sometimes he works out, and then he gets to the point where his body turns pale, and he starts shaking and shivering, and they have to get him into a shower. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Dude, they don't even know what it is. | ||
| Do you remember what he said it was? | ||
| They think it was a type of parasite? | ||
| They've been testing Lyme's disease recently. | ||
| Yeah, everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Quite a few things, yeah. | |
| Quite a few things. | ||
| They have no idea. | ||
| They think it's in his brain. | ||
| Whatever it is. | ||
| And he's been on heavy, heavy, heavy antibiotics. | ||
| And of course, one of the things that comes with heavy antibiotics, particularly something called Cipro, is you don't just get sick from that. | ||
| You also get your ligaments become very, very lax and they get weak. | ||
| And a lot of people that come off antibiotics for a long period of time... | ||
| They are subject to injuries. | ||
| Like athletes, when they get staph infection, they put you on this heavy dose of antibiotics, but all your ligaments get weak, and they end up tearing your ACL. Both of his shoulders are torn, and he thinks it's probably a connection to the antibiotics. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| That he had to take to deal with the staff, or to deal with whatever the fuck this infection is, that he's got some very, very strange parasite. | ||
| He goes so deep in the Congo, it might be an unidentified parasite, and that's part of the problem, is that he's basically like a fucking lab rat right now. | ||
| And he's got malaria three different times. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not once. | |
| Not twice. | ||
| Three times. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking malaria. | ||
| Three times. | ||
| He didn't take the anti-malarial stuff? | ||
| It still got it. | ||
| Well, one of the things, he got it, and then he said the anti-malaria shit is so bad, and it's so rough on you, that some people would prefer to get malaria and get it treated. | ||
| And what was the stuff that he said that you get, there's a toxic sickness that he got from Maladorn, what the fuck was it called? | ||
| I was trying to think of that word for like two minutes. | ||
| Melodium? | ||
| There's a type of anti-malaria medication that they give to, particularly to soldiers. | ||
| And they find that these guys, it's fucking incredibly toxic. | ||
| And they found it in his brain. | ||
| They found that he's suffering from poisoning from this anti-malaria medication. | ||
| And he was on like really high doses of this shit too. | ||
| If you live somewhere like that, you're supposed to be taking it all the time. | ||
| Constantly. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| You know, when they built the... | ||
| Melodium? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| The Panama Canal. | ||
| They went down there. | ||
| The French tried to dig it for, like, 50 fucking years. | ||
| And they were dropping, like, flies from the malaria. | ||
| They didn't know it was from malaria. | ||
| They had no idea what was going on. | ||
| They just knew people were getting sick while they were trying to... | ||
| I mean, the scope of that project at that time was insane. | ||
| I mean, they were hand-digging a fucking canal from... | ||
| I mean, through, like, thick jungle. | ||
| In the middle of the country. | ||
| In the middle of the country. | ||
| And they were just, people were getting sick, and then they would, and eventually France, after 50 years, said, fuck it. | ||
| And then they just left. | ||
| And then for some reason, we bought it, and we're like, we can do it. | ||
| So we went down there. | ||
| Meth-lo-queen. | ||
| Meth-lo-queen? | ||
| That sounds like a queef. | ||
| She meth-lo-queened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So we show up, and they realize one guy... | |
| Spell it out. | ||
| Put it up there again so we could... | ||
| A mellow-queen. | ||
| Meth-lo-queen. | ||
| Sold under the brand names Larium. | ||
| That's what I've heard. | ||
| I've heard medication to prevent or treat malaria. | ||
| It's used to start a potential exposure... | ||
| And continue for several weeks after potential exposure, and then people get sick off of that stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| That's definitely it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| It seems wrong. | ||
| Like, the name seems wrong, doesn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I looked up. | |
| I know, but does it seem right to you? | ||
| It seems wrong to me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sure it's right, but it just... | |
| So we go in and some genius goes, it's the fucking mosquitoes. | ||
| We're getting an infection from the mosquitoes. | ||
| So they've simply got rid of standing water. | ||
| They just started finding, they had teams of people every day would go out and they'd find puddles and they would get rid of the puddles. | ||
| And they went from going like, I'm telling you, one out of three people was dying trying to dig this tunnel. | ||
| And they went to almost nobody dying. | ||
| Do you know malaria has killed some insane number of people? | ||
| We looked it up once. | ||
| I think the rumor is that it's killed half the people who have ever died. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Have been killed by malaria. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That was what I had heard. | ||
| I think it's less than that that they can definitely determine was killed by malaria. | ||
| But nevertheless, it's a staggering number of humans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Those little dirty mosquitoes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think we can get rid of them, right? | ||
| Yeah, they're trying to do that. | ||
| They're trying to genetically engineer mosquitoes that don't carry malaria. | ||
| And then they're also thinking that, you know, and this is really dangerous, really dangerous, that they could just get rid of mosquitoes, period. | ||
| But the problem with that is, man, you don't know how all that shit's connected. | ||
| I know. | ||
| What happens if you get rid of mosquitoes? | ||
| Do beetles take over? | ||
| Do beetles start carrying diseases? | ||
| They start biting people? | ||
| Like, what morphs? | ||
| Like, a mosquito wasn't always a mosquito. | ||
| This must be understood, right? | ||
| A mosquito, at one point in time, was a single-celled organism, just like us. | ||
| And then it became a mosquito and found a really good niche. | ||
| It's like, this fucking mosquito business is the shit, right? | ||
| It's like fast food. | ||
| You can't go wrong. | ||
| Mosquito business is awesome. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| They fucking go crazy. | ||
| Yeah, all they need is a little bit of water and any living thing that they can take a little fucking drop of blood from. | ||
| Did you ever go to my, when I rented a house in Encino, did you ever go to that place? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think it was before you moved out here. | ||
| When I first moved out here, I rented this house in Encino and nobody had lived in it for a couple of years. | ||
| And the fucking pool had not been taken care of. | ||
| So the pool was green, like the Hulk's dick, okay? | ||
| And I looked in the pool, and little things were swimming, like schools of fish. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| And the pool guy goes, oh, bro, that's mosquito larva. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| And he goes, yeah. | ||
| He goes, we got to kill this now before you literally infect the entire neighborhood with mosquitoes. | ||
| Like, there was fish. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Like, swimming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Dude, like, filled with mosquito. | ||
| Have you ever seen mosquito larvae in a pool? | ||
| It was so disturbing. | ||
| I was like, I gotta get a hotel. | ||
| He's like, no, no, we can kill it, we can kill it. | ||
| But they had to pour, like, fuck, they drained the entire pool and poured gallons and gallons of poison in there. | ||
| They just filled, and I couldn't swim in it for, like, six months or something. | ||
| I don't remember what it was. | ||
| But it was so nasty. | ||
| You could see these little fuckers swimming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, schools of fish. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Like, little schools. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Swimming around there. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Standing water. | ||
| Yeah, standing water, man. | ||
| That's all it takes. | ||
| That's why you gotta have a fountain. | ||
| You have little fucking bubbles running through it. | ||
| We are so, so lucky when it comes to bugs out here, though. | ||
| I know. | ||
| We got no bugs. | ||
| No bugs. | ||
| Well, we got termites. | ||
| That's the only thing. | ||
| They're fucking insidious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they're gross. | |
| We built a fence around our house. | ||
| It took like six weeks, they put it in, and six months later, there's fucking little, you ever see shavings from that powder on the bottom? | ||
| I'm like, you motherfuckers brought termite-infested wood to my house, and now it's in my house also. | ||
| The wood had termites in it? | ||
| Can you sue? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I'm not really a sewer. | ||
| What are you? | ||
| You plot revenge? | ||
| Just a guy who gets sad when things happen. | ||
| Silent revenge. | ||
| Don't say that. | ||
| I'm Irish. | ||
| Silent revenge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Revenga. | ||
| I'm an arsonist. | ||
| I find the next project he's going to do. | ||
| Take it down. | ||
| So they brought wood that had termites in it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For sure? | ||
| Well, the wood had fucking termites in it immediately. | ||
| Did you contact the contractor? | ||
| I don't even remember. | ||
| This was like 15 years ago. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Is the fence still there? | ||
| Yeah, but it's like I tried to screw something into it the other day and it wouldn't hold the fucking screw. | ||
| It was like powder underneath. | ||
| The whole thing needs to be ripped down. | ||
| You could run through that fence like the Hulk. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're not keeping anybody out. | |
| The high C guy and the Hulk meeting at my house. | ||
| The Kool-Aid guy, right? | ||
| Hey, Kool-Aid. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whatever happened to the Kool-Aid guy? | ||
| They just stopped that campaign. | ||
| That was a huge campaign. | ||
| Yeah, he ran through the fucking house everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Kids were sitting there, boy, I'm thirsty. | ||
| Boom! | ||
|
unidentified
|
A fucking giant pitcher. | |
| Kool-Aid guy shows up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A pitcher with a face on it. | ||
| Runs right through your house. | ||
| You kids want a fucking bucket of sugar with some water in it? | ||
| Boy, was that delicious, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I had some Kool-Aid a couple years ago. | ||
| I ate at this place in... | ||
| What's that shitty town in California? | ||
| Fresno. | ||
| There's a place called... | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| I follow them on Instagram. | ||
| It's a soul food place in Fresno. | ||
| Trying to remember. | ||
| Paul's Kitchen. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Chef Paul's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chef Paul's Cafe. | |
| Dude. | ||
| You know, sometimes you're in the road, you find a place that's just fucking off the charts good. | ||
| If you're in Fresno, ladies and gentlemen, Chef Paul's Cafe, I fucking give it two thumbs up. | ||
| No shit! | ||
| Five stars. | ||
| Full on soul food, like fucking collard greens, oxtails, like... | ||
| Phenomenal food. | ||
| And they also had Kool-Aid. | ||
| I was like, okay, well obviously I'm going all in. | ||
| I gotta get the Kool-Aid too. | ||
| I hadn't had Kool-Aid in probably a decade. | ||
| Is that a soul food thing? | ||
| Kool-Aid? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was their menu thing. | ||
| They had a bunch of crazy shit on the menu. | ||
| That's it right there. | ||
| It's a great restaurant in a sketchy town. | ||
| Fresno's sketchy as fuck. | ||
| We were driving down the street. | ||
| There's homeless communities. | ||
| Skid Row style. | ||
| Look at that food, dude. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| Chicken and waffles. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Their food is so good. | ||
| Their fried chicken's off the charts. | ||
| But the oxtail. | ||
| I had oxtail. | ||
| There's chicken and waffles. | ||
| Oh, that looks good. | ||
| It's so good, man. | ||
| That place is amazing. | ||
| And it's just super, super authentic, like, down-home, like, real hearty comfort food. | ||
| There's that Kool-Aid right there, baby. | ||
| Kool-Aid on the menu. | ||
| I mean, why not, man? | ||
| Just get all the flavors when you're at a place like that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Don't drink water, you asshole. | ||
| Get all the flavors. | ||
| Get yourself some Kool-Aid, too. | ||
| Get yourself some Kool-Aid, too. | ||
| Well, that's what Red Bull is, isn't it? | ||
| It's just Kool-Aid. | ||
| Red Bull has taurine in it, and taurine is actually originally from bullcum. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yes. | ||
| Taurine is a stimulant that's derived from bulges, and Hitler used to actually take bullcum. | ||
| I think I found that out from Tom Papa. | ||
| Is that who told me? | ||
| Someone told me that. | ||
| And we Googled it. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| Like, they figured out a way to synthesize it, but taurine is one of the actual ingredients in bulges. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| So people used to take bulges as some sort of a stimulant, I guess? | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Heil Hitler! | ||
| Oh, hi Hitler. | ||
| Medical records show Führer Adolf was a cocaine addict and was injected with bullsemen to help his sex life. | ||
| He also took steroids. | ||
| He took a lot of testosterone. | ||
| He suffered from flatulence, known to break wind during meals with his generals. | ||
| Oh, they all ratted him out. | ||
| I wonder if you say to a guy who's killing millions of Jews, that was offensive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That smell was offensive. | ||
| Your farts are worse than what you've done to the Jews. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You gassed them. | ||
| You're gassing us now. | ||
| Well, he was a vegetarian, too. | ||
| Was he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you eat a lot of vegetables, like broccoli farts, they're famous. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because your body's breaking down all that fiber. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it has something to do also with the vegetables are breaking down faster than the meat. | ||
| If you eat meat and vegetables, and they get caught in your intestine, that's where you get pockets of gas. | ||
| The meat's blocking it up. | ||
| Fermenting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Steaming up, creating gas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dude, I've been farting phenomenally. | ||
| I enjoy farting. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| And my wife laughs at it. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| We wouldn't still be together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You fart in front of her? | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You don't even let her know it's coming? | ||
| No, I will walk in the room with a fart because she laughs at me. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| She thinks it's funny every fucking time I fart. | ||
| She's a good guy. | ||
| Yeah, she is. | ||
| And she farts. | ||
| She wishes she could fart as much as I do, but when she does, she lets me know. | ||
| Our family does. | ||
| The whole family farts? | ||
| Son farts at the dinner table. | ||
| We all laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're very open about it. | ||
| But do you think that that's going to carry on to his next relationship? | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| I hope so too, but it's hard to find a gal that's down with that. | ||
| I think you've got to make him down with it. | ||
| You ease him in. | ||
| You start with a little one, and then gently you just, you know... | ||
| If they smell, you take it in the other room. | ||
| But if it's just a... | ||
| And you know your cycle. | ||
| You usually know what's in the tank based on the previous ones. | ||
| Sometimes you don't. | ||
| Sometimes you think you're floating an air biscuit and you let out a bomb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whenever I'm getting on a plane, I try to get a few out before I get on the plane when I'm on that ramp. | ||
| You know what's weird? | ||
| This is really strange. | ||
| I mean, really strange. | ||
| And not a lot of people are aware of this. | ||
| When you are around certain smells, like... | ||
| If you're, like, say if you're butchering an animal, okay? | ||
| Say if you shot an animal in the field, and you're hunting, and you cut it up, and you... | ||
| The smells that come from that animal will be in your farts, even if you don't eat it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It's weird. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| And... | ||
| I had recognized this, but I was confused by it. | ||
| And then it was brought up to me by friends that are hunting guides in Alberta. | ||
| My friends John and Jen, the Rivets, they've got this guide service. | ||
| And one of the things they hunt is bears. | ||
| And bear is delicious, but you have to cook it right because you can get trichinosis. | ||
| It's like pork. | ||
| Same kind of deal. | ||
| But they smell. | ||
| Their guts and when you're butchering them, a lot of times people use what's called the gutless method. | ||
| It means you take all the meat out without opening up the gut cavity. | ||
| because if you do get that stuff on you like it's but specifically if they've been eating something that's rotten the smells horrible that smell comes out in your farts and one of their daughters canceled school she she stayed home because she was farting so bad she was like I can't go to school farting like this yeah I will be a pariah But I've smelt it before. | ||
| Someone's like, did you have bear? | ||
| Yeah, like if I've shot a deer in the field, and it's called quartering it, you gut it, you take out the heart and the liver, you eat the heart and the liver, you quarter it, you take the limbs off, you take the legs off, and you take the meat off the back, it's called the back straps, and the tenderloins, you take all that stuff off, and then when you fart, you fucking smell that animal in your farts. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This was addressed, actually, by my friend Steve Rinella on the show Meat Eater. | ||
| They were trying to figure out why. | ||
| They're like, okay, this is a real thing, right? | ||
| Everybody talks about this. | ||
| How is it getting in you? | ||
| You're smelling it, and then somehow or another, those molecules come out. | ||
| You go all the way through your body from you smelling it and breathing in that air, and it comes out in your farts, and you smell this horrific gut smell. | ||
| Sounds like a good game show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, you go into a room and you come out and the contestants have to guess what animal you just courted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wham! | |
| I wonder if that's the case with... | ||
| I mean, it must be the case with fish, too. | ||
| Like, you catch a bunch of fish, you gut them, and then you probably smell fish farts when you're farting. | ||
| You probably smell like fish. | ||
| But the weird thing is, it would make sense if you were eating it, right? | ||
| If you cooked it and ate it, that would make sense. | ||
| But this is... | ||
| I'm telling you, this is farting when you've had none of it yet. | ||
| You haven't eaten any of it. | ||
| But you fart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you smell it. | ||
| I think I fart... | ||
| I think you fart from getting nervous also. | ||
| Like, if you're a nervous person, I think you fart a lot. | ||
| That makes sense, right? | ||
| Your gut starts building all the juices and stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Farts can fight strokes, heart attacks, and dementia, scientists claim. | ||
| That's fantastic! | ||
| That girl. | ||
| She farts in your face. | ||
| You don't get a heart attack. | ||
| They always get a hot chick in the picture. | ||
| A study has proven that farts can help your cells to live. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Sulfur... | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Hydrogen sulfide is well known as a pungent, foul-smelling gas in rotten eggs and flatulence. | ||
| It is naturally produced in the body and could, in fact, be a healthcare hero with significant implications for future therapies for a variety of diseases. | ||
| Can you imagine if all those weirdos that pay women to fart in their face if they're onto something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, right. | |
| Right. | ||
| Those women are heroes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those are the most confusing porn videos. | ||
| I've never seen that. | ||
| Where guys are like laying there and girls are like, you want to fart, you dirty bitch? | ||
| And they fart in their face. | ||
| Yeah, mommy. | ||
| Give me that fart, mommy. | ||
| And they fart in their face. | ||
| Oh, it's so fucking, it's so confusing. | ||
| It makes me shut my laptop and walk around the block. | ||
| That's fucking great. | ||
| I've seen a bunch of those. | ||
| You've never seen one of those? | ||
| No, I've never seen it. | ||
| I'm just trying to figure out who the first guy was that had the balls to just go, like smelling a fart and going, I think this is it. | ||
| I think this is my, you know, for some people it's feet, you know? | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Some people it's farts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, that's a thing with guys. | ||
| Farting in the face. | ||
| Some people like a lot of weird shit. | ||
| I had this girl on the podcast back in the day. | ||
| It actually made me sad talking to her. | ||
| Her name was Sierra Lynch. | ||
| Remember her? | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| She's selling her piss. | ||
| She sells toenail clippings, dirty socks, dirty underwear, all these guys. | ||
| And then she humiliates these guys. | ||
| They want her to humiliate them. | ||
| I believe she refers to her. | ||
| She's a very smart girl. | ||
| Very pretty, too. | ||
| She refers to herself as a humiliatrix. | ||
| It's her business. | ||
| She bought a fucking house. | ||
| She's wealthy because of getting these guys to buy her shit and piss. | ||
| Very strange. | ||
| I think I got a new nickname for my wife. | ||
| Humiliatrix. | ||
| But I met this prostitute in Lake Tahoe. | ||
| She had come to my show and she was like, you know, in Nevada, it's all legal. | ||
| And so I go, what's the weirdest client that you ever had? | ||
| And she goes, well, I don't know if you're ready for this, but I met this guy, and he lived in Colorado, and he had been in Nevada. | ||
| Liked her. | ||
| She said she's up for anything. | ||
| Sends a jet to take her to Colorado. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| They go to Denver to some five-star hotel. | ||
| Come up to the suite, presidential suite. | ||
| They come in. | ||
| She's like, I have no idea what this is about. | ||
| And he goes, now, this is going to be weird, but it's not going to hurt you. | ||
| Just go with it. | ||
| I think I know where this is going. | ||
| Room service shows up. | ||
| Guy's got a tray. | ||
| He's got four plates of hamburger meat, uncooked, just hamburger meat. | ||
| Tips the guy, leaves, and he says, What I want you to do is take this meat. | ||
| I'm going to get naked, and you're going to take handfuls of it and shove it up my ass. | ||
| I didn't think it was going there. | ||
| Five pounds of hamburger meat. | ||
| And he just stood there and she kept stuffing it up, stuffing it up. | ||
| No erection, no sex, no touching her. | ||
| And then back on the jet, back to Nevada. | ||
| So he's a wealthy guy. | ||
| He paid her a ton of money. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I'm surprised, but I'm not surprised. | ||
| Like if you said, would you bet your life? | ||
| That there's a guy out there that sent a private jet to get a prostitute and take her to a nice restaurant and then paid her to stuff hamburger meat up his ass. | ||
| If you're wrong, you die. | ||
| I go, yeah, it probably happened. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Right, a million monkeys typing, you know? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I'm not... | ||
| I'm surprised, but I'm not stunned. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I'm not like, no way, I don't believe that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I believe it. | ||
| Well, and the funny thing is, like, I don't get the sense this guy is on a chat room talking to other guys that stuff ground beef up their asses. | ||
| This is his thing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's a personal thing. | ||
| He's got so much fucking money that his mind just goes to places, and he can indulge it. | ||
| He can just go, yeah, he'll try that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| And talk about getting diseases. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, there's just an outbreak of, um, is it salmonella? | ||
| Yeah, from ground beef. | ||
| I think someone died. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| One person died. | ||
| A few other people have been, uh, they've been recalled. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, you can get salmonella anally. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| It's raw. | ||
| You gotta tell your doctor. | ||
| Fucking A. What happened? | ||
| Well, have a seat. | ||
| Let's start from the beginning. | ||
| When I was a boy... | ||
| First time, started getting hard-ons. | ||
| I sat on a cheeseburger. | ||
| Do you think these guys, if I shove solid food up my butt, would I gain any nutrition from it? | ||
| First of all, here's the thing. | ||
| He's answered by Andrew Lee, doctor of acupuncture. | ||
| Hey, fuckface, you didn't go to medical school. | ||
| Stop calling yourself a doctor. | ||
| Doctor of acupuncture is so weird. | ||
| It's like, I'm a doctor of comedy. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You practice acupuncture. | ||
| You're not a doctor. | ||
| They don't go to medical school. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Doctors are doctors. | ||
| A doctor goes to a medical school. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| You have to study. | ||
| You have to do your residency. | ||
| You have to get your fucking degree at a medical school. | ||
| Not chiropractors. | ||
| They call themselves doctors. | ||
| But they don't go to medical school at all. | ||
| At all! | ||
| And they can fuck you up. | ||
| They do those cracks on your neck. | ||
| Pull that up so we can read that. | ||
| So... | ||
| Answer is, things can be absorbed through the membrane. | ||
| Through membrane... | ||
| What? | ||
| See, this is how... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not the answer. | |
| I was just showing you that people have asked this. | ||
| No, I'm saying, but listen to the way he writes the answer. | ||
| This is how a chiropractor writes it versus a real doctor. | ||
| Things that can be absorbed through membrane will bypass the liver when taken through the anus. | ||
| Through membrane will bypass the liver. | ||
| Through a membrane... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| For example, various drugs can be taken as through the anus in order to be easier on the liver. | ||
| This is how chiropractors write. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| See? | ||
| See how he's writing? | ||
| This is not a guy who went to medical school. | ||
| No. | ||
| As the liver no longer needs to filter the drug, which makes the drug half as potent and is also hard on the liver. | ||
| This guy's Asian. | ||
| How do you know that? | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Andrew Lee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How I did not know his name when I said he's Asian. | ||
| I could tell by the way he was writing. | ||
| Alcohol can cross the cell membrane and thus absorbs very easily into the human body. | ||
| Oh, how about this? | ||
| My friend, his wife is a school teacher in Utah and they have a problem in middle school because kids are taking tampons and they're soaking them and rubbing alcohol and stuffing them up their assholes. | ||
| And they're getting high. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| One kid found out about it, and a bunch of other kids did it, and so they had a problem in their fucking school. | ||
| Where kids were putting tampons, dipping them in rubbing alcohol, and stuffing them up their butt. | ||
| Shout out to my friend Huey. | ||
| And by the way, I don't know how many millions of listeners you have. | ||
| How many people are now going to do that? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| 40. 40? | ||
| 40 people. | ||
| About 40? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's been going on for a while. | |
| Yeah, apparently. | ||
| I didn't know about it until three weeks ago. | ||
| I bet it feels good. | ||
| Nice and cool. | ||
| Define feels good. | ||
| Tingle a little bit. | ||
| What if you got a hemorrhoid, though? | ||
| Yikes! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| I'm sure people like that. | ||
| I'm sure there's people that cut themselves and pour alcohol on it just to feel a sting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm a piece of shit! | ||
| Cut! | ||
| The definition of a drunk asshole. Don't be a drunk asshole. | ||
| Especially when you're 12. Fucking middle school! | ||
| They're fucking Mormons, probably, so they're so desperate. | ||
| Ooh, that's a good point. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Yeah, we're talking Utah. | ||
| Remember Kitty Dukakis? | ||
| She was sober. | ||
| She was drinking aftershave, right? | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Aftershave, isopropyl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That sunk his... | ||
| Well, he kind of was on the way out anyway. | ||
| It was that and when he sat on a tank with a helmet on. | ||
| Yeah, that was... | ||
| And people are like, what? | ||
| Are you a soldier? | ||
| Are you in war? | ||
| Why do you have a helmet? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're not even at war, you piece of shit. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Mike Dukakis. | ||
| Remember him? | ||
| He was like... | ||
| Who did he run against? | ||
| I want to say Bush Sr. Was it? | ||
| Bush Sr. Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that was a landslide. | ||
| Yeah, people weren't down with that. | ||
| It's interesting how some things sink some people. | ||
| Like, that Howard Dover guy has got to be so fucking confused that Donald Trump got away with that grab-em-by-the-pussy thing when all he did was scream. | ||
| Remember that guy? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Dean. | ||
| We're going to Arkansas! | ||
| Then we're going to Detroit! | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| I know! | ||
| It sunk him! | ||
| Sunk him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Look, he had his helmet with a fucking sticker on it. | ||
| That probably sunk him, too. | ||
| Why did you say, oh, Mike Dukakis on your helmet, bro? | ||
| Are you going to go fight for our country? | ||
| Get out of here, son. | ||
| Look at him now. | ||
| See the picture of him now? | ||
| Hammered. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's probably like, how's the president? | ||
| Go to the one picture above that with the red face. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| How's the fucking president? | ||
| That guy is like, if we did a gig for Dick Daugherty in New Hampshire, if you would... | ||
| That guy would be at the bar. | ||
| Hey, you fucking guys, it was funny, but you know what? | ||
| I was almost president. | ||
| I was almost president, my wife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My fucking wife, she's drinking rubbing alcohol on this aftershave. | |
| And that aftershave, fucking, this is aqua velva. | ||
| My fucking wife's drinking aqua velva. | ||
| Fuck, it sunk me. | ||
| Bitch sunk me. | ||
| You look thick head of hair, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oof. | |
| Was he the governor? | ||
| I believe he was. | ||
| Yeah, he was the governor. | ||
| I believe he was the governor of Massachusetts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right. | ||
| Who's the governor of Massachusetts now? | ||
| Weld? | ||
| Is it Weld? | ||
| Bill Weld? | ||
| He's a Republican, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's unusual, right? | ||
| We've had a couple of Massachusetts Republicans, like Fuckface, the Mormon. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Romney? | ||
| Yeah, Mitt Romney. | ||
| Fuckface. | ||
| Charlie Baker, Republican. | ||
| He's a Republican, too. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| That is interesting. | ||
| Well, you were talking about Texas and Austin, and Massachusetts is a Republican state. | ||
| Boston is a Democratic city, but it's such a big part of the state that it's like what Austin is to Texas, and also like Minneapolis to Minnesota. | ||
| Yeah, I guess so, huh? | ||
| Like, where would you think the Republicans are in Massachusetts? | ||
| Everywhere outside of Boston? | ||
| Well, I think it's a lot of defense contracts. | ||
| There's a lot of defense money there. | ||
| Boston Dynamics, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I got tricked. | ||
| They tricked me. | ||
| They did? | ||
| I posted a video. | ||
| It's Boss Town Dynamics. | ||
| They wrote B-O-S-S-T-O-N Dynamics. | ||
| It was a video of robots shooting guns. | ||
| They were kicking the robots and it's hitting these targets perfectly every time. | ||
| I'm like, oh my god, we're fucked. | ||
| But the thing is, it's not that far removed from what the Boston Dynamics robots already do. | ||
| Those fucking robots are already doing backflips. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They do, like, parkour. | ||
| They run and jump off things and hang on things. | ||
| And then this one was a fake video, though. | ||
| Was it CGI, I think? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, those guys, that's what they do on their YouTube channel. | |
| How do you trust anything anymore? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Well, we're pretty close to not being able to trust anything anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because with those deep fake generators, where they could take you, like they've already done videos with me, where they have audio of me saying shit that I would say. | ||
| Like a bunch of shit that I would say, but I never said it. | ||
| About like chimp armies and all those different things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, there's a whole website dedicated to that. | ||
| It's just weird, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's going to get weirder and weirder with the stuff that they can do with your... | ||
| You've seen Kyle Dunnigan's fucking page. | ||
| Yeah, they're crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And his... | ||
| The stuff that he does that's my favorite, that's really, really funny, is the stuff that looks fake. | ||
| It's like he does the face swap shit from the Instagram filters or Snapchat or whatever it is. | ||
| But he did a bunch of stuff because he was doing a pilot for Comedy Central, and thank God they're too fucking stupid to pick it up because they would have ruined it. | ||
| Because he was showing me one that they wouldn't do. | ||
| It was Caitlyn Jenner having sex with Trump. | ||
| He was showing it to me. | ||
| I was crying. | ||
| I was in the green room crying. | ||
| He goes, yeah, Comedy Central said no to that one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, what? | |
| I was like, what? | ||
| They're like, no, it was too edgy. | ||
| They wouldn't get involved in anything trans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Right, right. | ||
| Like, come on. | ||
| That's why I was shocked that on the roast that she came out and said the shit that she did. | ||
| That was like, excuse the pun, but that was ballsy. | ||
| What did she say? | ||
| I think she still has her balls. | ||
| She said... | ||
| She said she still has her dick, too. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What did she say? | ||
| She came out and said... | ||
| I love that expression. | ||
| She has her dick. | ||
| Welcome to 2019. Yeah. | ||
| But Dunnigan, I did a show with him on Saturday night and he came out on stage and he put a laptop in front of his face and there was a big screen and he was doing the characters for the crowd that he usually does like as Instagram posts. | ||
| Oh yeah, I've heard he does that. | ||
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| How does he do that? | ||
| He just has the video plays? | ||
| I guess the computer is videotaping him and sending it... | ||
| I know it ran through the house... | ||
| Through something in the house system. | ||
| Because it was a fuck-up. | ||
| It got fucked up. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| But it still worked. | ||
| Because he was... | ||
| We were doing a gig at the store on a Friday night, and he was supposed to be on right before me, but they were like, actually, let's have Kyle go on after you, because apparently his whole thing needs a big setup. | ||
| Confirms gender reassignment study. | ||
| What? | ||
| She confirms gender reassignment. | ||
| Hold on, put that back up. | ||
| It says, Caitlyn Jenner confirms gender reassignment surgery in 2020 interview. | ||
| Okay, but the problem is, she just did an interview recently, she said she still has it. | ||
| What is gender reassignment surgery? | ||
| They fucking wave a wand over you, like they knight you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hereby announce you have a vagina. | |
| I have a vagina? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| You now have a vagina. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I mean, look. | ||
| And they're tapping you on the head with your penis. | ||
| If you're clearly a man and you could just say you're a woman, why can't you say you have a vagina? | ||
| We're going to play make-believe. | ||
| Let's just play make-believe all the way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because, look, my friend Zuby, he was a guest on the podcast. | ||
| He claimed he was a woman for a day and broke the women's world record in deadlift. | ||
| What did he have to do to qualify as a woman? | ||
| You don't have to do anything. | ||
| You just say it. | ||
| You can identify as a woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, who are you to say that he didn't identify as a woman, you fucking transphobic piece of shit? | ||
| I know, I feel bad now. | ||
| You should. | ||
| Jesus Christ, Greg. | ||
| All the years we've known each other, I can't believe I didn't know that you had this in you. | ||
| This was my childhood. | ||
| I think you're canceled. | ||
| I'm canceled. | ||
| I wish I was big enough to get canceled. | ||
| I gotta get a little bit more famous. | ||
| And then it can happen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm more like me who? | ||
| That's a Tony Hinchcliffe joke. | ||
| That was such a pun. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Now, I think... | ||
| Pull up. | ||
| I think that Caitlyn Jenner still has his dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Her dick. | |
| Was there a fight with a guy that became a woman and then beat the shit out of a woman? | ||
| You mean MMA? I don't know if it was boxing or MMA. Yeah, there was an MMA. Yeah, she had a few fights. | ||
| The problem was, not that she had the fights... | ||
| I would never advise anybody to fight someone who used to be a man. | ||
| I would say, ooh, probably got a lot of physical advantages. | ||
| That's not going to show up in the weight class. | ||
| Just because you're both 135 pounds, there's a fucking difference. | ||
| I don't give a shit what anybody says. | ||
| There's a reason why this woman world champion cyclist is breaking records. | ||
| These women weightlifters who used to be men are breaking records by giant numbers. | ||
| I mean, giant numbers in powerlifting. | ||
| And all they have to do is just say they used to be a man and now I'm a woman. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| Oh, she's a woman. | ||
| You're a piece of shit if you say anything different. | ||
| But this one was fighting. | ||
| Her name's Fallon Fox. | ||
| And she was fighting as a woman, even though she'd been a man for 30 plus years. | ||
| And in fact, even had kids at A Kid. | ||
| And then just transitioned. | ||
| Became a woman. | ||
| Didn't tell anybody. | ||
| Said it was a medical issue. | ||
| It's none of your business. | ||
| And then beat the fuck out of two women. | ||
| And like beat them like domestic violence. | ||
| Like you watch it. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then she came out and then it was like this big hubbub. | ||
| I got caught up in it because I said it was nonsense. | ||
| I said it was worse than nonsense. | ||
| I was like, it's bullshit. | ||
| It's 100% bullshit. | ||
| And I've never, never been attacked harder. | ||
| Oh, I shouldn't have brought it up. | ||
| I didn't realize. | ||
| No, I don't care. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| Look, that's a hill I'll die on. | ||
| That's a hill I'll die on. | ||
| You guys are out of your fucking mind. | ||
| I think you're out of your mind with track and field. | ||
| I think you're out of your mind with weightlifting. | ||
| You're out of your mind with all those things. | ||
| But if it comes to fighting, fuck you. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| You think a man and a woman are the same thing, you are out of your goddamn mind if you think all you have to do is get a little bit of surgery, take some hormones, and you're a woman now, and you should be able to fight women. | ||
| Imagine if that's your daughter, and your daughter is getting pummeled by someone who used to be a man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you. | |
| Fuck you. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Well, it's unfair to the female athletes, you know? | ||
| It's women. | ||
| Real women. | ||
| Real women are getting fucked over. | ||
| Yeah, real women are training their whole fucking lives, you know, what they're sacrificing to be the best woman out there, and then to compete against somebody who's got testosterone that just puts them at a whole different level physically. | ||
| Well, here's the deal. | ||
| I know it lowers the testosterone, but it's still there. | ||
| No, it lowers it significantly. | ||
| But the gains that they've had through growing up through puberty with testosterone and being an XY chromosome, having the bone structure of a man, those are undeniable. | ||
| And they're undeniable by the world records that these trans women are winning. | ||
| They're beating men, I mean, they're beating women, biological women, by giant numbers. | ||
| Someone sent me this. | ||
| The states that allow people in college and in high school to compete as the gender that they identify with. | ||
| Without surgery or drugs. | ||
| You don't even have to. | ||
| You don't even have to have surgery in a lot of these places. | ||
| They are dominating. | ||
| Dominating. | ||
| It's dominant. | ||
| Trans people. | ||
| Trans people are winning these things. | ||
| Always, always male to female. | ||
| Never. | ||
| Female to male. | ||
| Female to male aren't... | ||
| It's not like no chicks are saying, I identify as a man, let me get in the NBA, and fucking post it up at 40 against LeBron. | ||
| It's not happening. | ||
| It doesn't go down that way. | ||
| What goes down is men who want to be a woman, become a woman, and then want to compete against biological women. | ||
| And in every single case, the biological women are getting fucked over. | ||
| Because if a woman... | ||
| Say if a woman was 30 years old and she decided at 30 years old she was going to start taking hormones and become a man and compete against men. | ||
| She'd be fucked. | ||
| But if a man does that, he's got the benefit of having testosterone in his system for 30 years and then transitioning and becomes a woman. | ||
| And there's... | ||
| There's no denying there's a gigantic advantage. | ||
| If a woman was going to compete, like say if she's going to compete in track and field, and she's 30 years old, but for all of her life, she's been taking steroids. | ||
| Her whole life, she's been taking just steroids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get a man jaw and a thick neck and fucking shoulders. | |
| And then she gets off of it. | ||
| Just gets off of it for a couple years. | ||
| And competes against women. | ||
| Just throwing them around and ragdolling them. | ||
| People will be like, she's a cheater! | ||
| She cheated! | ||
| She took steroids for 30 years! | ||
| Just because she's not taking them now doesn't mean she's not a cheater. | ||
| Well, that's what's happening. | ||
| But it's worse. | ||
| Because of the bone structure. | ||
| And because it's a natural testosterone. | ||
| You're fucking puberty. | ||
| You're going through puberty with testosterone. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| And it's almost even crazier if you didn't go through puberty. | ||
| So how about if you're a trans person and someone decided when you're five or six years old that you're trans? | ||
| And so now someone's transitioning you before. | ||
| Somebody had a great joke about that. | ||
| You don't let a five-year-old pick their outfit. | ||
| Why would you let them pick their gender? | ||
| You can't let a kid say what they are and what they aren't. | ||
| A giant part of what a kid is is you're so easily influenced by your environment. | ||
| So easily influenced. | ||
| It's so easy to convince a kid one way or the other. | ||
| And you don't know what's happening in their home. | ||
| And you're asking this child to make a decision about their biology. | ||
| You're talking about in terms of starting to take drugs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, the idea of doing that to a little kid, to me, is fucking bananas. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| We're in this weird fantasy world right now where people want to be so progressive and they want to be so open-minded and they don't want to be transphobic. | ||
| So we're letting people say and do absolutely preposterous things that don't have any logic, that don't make any sense in terms of what we know about biology. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| And particularly when it comes to sports. | ||
| Particularly. | ||
| When it comes to your life, you're a grown adult. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I'm happy for you. | ||
| If you live better as a woman, you feel better as a woman, you're a woman to me. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| But you're competing against men. | ||
| You can go fuck, or competing as women, rather. | ||
| You can go fuck yourself. | ||
| You're not a woman in the sense of you don't have double X chromosome. | ||
| You didn't grow up as a woman. | ||
| You're not a biological woman. | ||
| If you want to be treated as a woman, that's fine. | ||
| But you can't just decide you're a woman and now you're going to break world records in fucking deadlifts and you're going to run faster than any woman that's ever lived. | ||
| You're going to beat them in bike races. | ||
| You're going to break world records as a trans woman. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| What happens to all these regular women that didn't get the advantage of growing up through puberty with testosterone? | ||
| They're getting fucked over. | ||
| That's the reason why we have men and women's divisions in the first place. | ||
| And there's this weird cop-out that, well, there's always, it's not fair in some sports because there's LeBron James. | ||
| I hate to use LeBron again. | ||
| You know, there's Mike Tyson. | ||
| There's these outliers who are these freak physical specimens. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there are. | ||
| But they're men versus men. | ||
| There's freak physical specimens in men. | ||
| But when you go so far, so far over that, when you take a biological male and they're just breaking world records as a woman, You gotta go, come on. | ||
| We're entering into this complete nonsense area. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is just progressive thinking, this ideology taking to the extreme. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and I mean, I don't know what the answer is because the women, if they do start taking testosterone, then they obviously can't compete against women legally any longer. | ||
| No. | ||
| So they're sort of in limbo. | ||
| I don't know if there needs to be a third category of athletics. | ||
| The trans category, that's the perfect answer. | ||
| I don't think even if the women take steroids, if it would be fair. | ||
| I don't even know if that would be fair because they're still not going through puberty. | ||
| First of all, there's not a lot of data on this. | ||
| There's not a lot of data in terms of years and years of competition where they've studied athletes that have been trans versus athletes that have been biologically female versus athletes that are biologically male. | ||
| There's a lot of studying on this. | ||
| This is people going with the current thinking and the current progressive ideology where they don't want to be criticized. | ||
| They don't want to be called transphobic. | ||
| They don't want to have articles written about them or people call them terrible names and talk shit about them. | ||
| And it's such a small percentage of the population, and it's become an issue that is being identified for political reasons. | ||
| You know, it's something that is, like, my kid is at college now, and like, every class, you have to say your name, what gender you identify as, and what pronoun you want to be referred to as. | ||
| Do you know how many fucking people this is affecting? | ||
| Is there five in the school? | ||
| If that... | ||
| If that. | ||
| I believe the current number of people that are trans in this country is somewhere around 1%. | ||
| Is that what the number is? | ||
| Do we even know? | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| I'm fine with all of it up until it comes to sports. | ||
| If you want to identify with they, them, you want to be a they person, I might fuck up occasionally because it's odd. | ||
| I might make mistakes. | ||
| If you want to be called Caitlyn, okay. | ||
| Hi, Caitlyn. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| But with sports, you can fuck all the way off. | ||
| 0.6%. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| It's not even one. | ||
| Basically half of a percent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| And Elizabeth Warren, she's getting shit because she was supporting trans prisoners having the right to have corrective surgery in jail. | ||
| And of course people had a field day with like the amount of money that that would cost. | ||
| And it's like, she should just say pass. | ||
| What's your opinion on that, Elizabeth? | ||
| Let me talk about the economy. | ||
| Let me talk about health care. | ||
| Yeah, that's not a good one. | ||
| But that's one that I guarantee if you sat down and talked to her about it. | ||
| This is an ideologically based opinion. | ||
| She's probably looked at her demographic, which is progressive, left-wing. | ||
| She's a woman. | ||
| She's running for president. | ||
| And a big part of her being candidate is the fact that we would like to have a woman president, particularly people on the left. | ||
| They fucked up with Hillary Clinton. | ||
| It didn't go well. | ||
| Maybe Elizabeth Warren's our gal. | ||
| She seems to talk well. | ||
| She's strong. | ||
| Experienced. | ||
| Yeah, maybe she's the one. | ||
| Maybe she's the one. | ||
| Well, she's got to support that because you want the whole Democratic Party. | ||
| Otherwise, someone will fucking snatch up those people in an independent category, a green category. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, fuck it, I'm voting for Jill Stein because she's a piece of shit, or Elizabeth Warren's a piece of shit, and she doesn't address trans rights. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a lot of third-party voters in the last election. | ||
| They swung the election. | ||
| I was one of them. | ||
| Jill Stein? | ||
| Gary Johnson. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| He did my podcast. | ||
| Oh, no shit. | ||
| Yeah, so I said, I'll vote for you. | ||
| What was his deal? | ||
| Well, he didn't know anything about it. | ||
| He was sunk because he didn't know where Aleppo was. | ||
| Oh, I remember that guy. | ||
| That sunk him. | ||
| People were considering him fairly seriously. | ||
| Maybe I'm serious about Gary Johnson. | ||
| He seems fairly reasonable. | ||
| We could use a reasonable guy. | ||
| And they asked him, what do you think we do about Aleppo? | ||
| He's like, what? | ||
| The fuck's Aleppo? | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| It's a city where a lot of bad shit's happening right now, brother. | ||
| But did Trump know where Aleppo was? | ||
| He doesn't have to. | ||
| He doesn't have to. | ||
| They could say, what are you going to do about Aleppo? | ||
| He'd probably go, where's Aleppo? | ||
| Syria. | ||
| Oh, well, that place is a mess. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're done with that. | ||
| I think we're done with that. | ||
| I think we canceled them. | ||
| So Aleppo's in Syria, right? | ||
| Is that where it is? | ||
| I think that's what it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was almost like a trick question. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, because who the fuck... | ||
| Yeah, he didn't know, but who does? | ||
| Who did? | ||
| Like, out of all the people who are like, this fucking idiot doesn't even know where Aleppo is? | ||
| I didn't know where Aleppo is. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't either. | ||
| I didn't know the question either. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Obviously, I'm not running for president. | ||
| Well, we're kind of hoping that that person knows the shit we don't know. | ||
| Or they tell him when he gets in there. | ||
| But that's the scary thing about Trump is that other leaders will have advisors around them that they trust that tell them stuff. | ||
| But Trump doesn't seem to read the... | ||
| He's not interested in that. | ||
| He's not interested in that. | ||
| No. | ||
| They booed the fuck out of him at the UFC. Oh, were you there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, because I heard from one camp that they cheered and from another camp that they... | ||
| His son said they cheered for him. | ||
| Listen to Daddy. | ||
| I took my fucking headphones off just to listen. | ||
| And it was... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| 18,000 people going... | ||
| His son said they were chanting USA. Maybe four people behind him were chanting USA. The rest were saying boo-SA. Is that what Donald Jr. said? | ||
| Yes, Donald Jr. was very upset. | ||
| You'd probably say that too. | ||
| Look, they booed the fuck out of him. | ||
| I'm sure some people clapped. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| But if you had to bet your money on it, what was the greater percentage? | ||
| Was it boos or claps? | ||
| It was fucking boos. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, I took my headphones off. | ||
| I was right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I could have hit him with a rock. | ||
| He was right over there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Boo! | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm surprised he showed up after what happened at the World Series. | ||
| The same fucking thing happened a week before. | ||
| But maybe he figured because it was DC, it was because it's so liberal in DC. He probably figured because it was at the fights. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was at cage fights. | ||
| Also, he's friends with Dana White. | ||
| They're good friends, apparently. | ||
| There's a picture on Dana's Instagram of him and Donald sitting in front of the television watching fights. | ||
| They're watching the prelims before he went out. | ||
| Dana watches some of the card in his green room. | ||
| He listens to the commentary and wants to see. | ||
| Because there's a lot of moving pieces involved in being the president of the United States and also the president of the UFC. A lot of moving pieces. | ||
| You don't have a lot of time to sit through the entire pay-per-view while you're there. | ||
| So Dana sits in the back and he watches a lot of the pay-per-view card on the screen in his office or in his green room. | ||
| So he was back there with Donald sitting on the couch and he put it on his Instagram just watching some fights. | ||
| It's just him and Trump sitting there. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I was watching my friend Corey Anderson. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Knock out Johnny Walker. | ||
| So look at that, watching fights. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| You think Dana White's been to Fuck Island? | ||
| Look at this kid, Khabib. | ||
| Ask him, where did my father's visa send location? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, his father can't get a visa. | ||
| Yeah, ask Donald, bro. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Good for Khabib. | ||
| Khabib got 46,000 likes on that. | ||
| Walking to Madison Square Garden last night with Dana White for the big UFC championship fight was a little bit like walking to a Trump rally. | ||
| Plenty of MAGA and KAG present. | ||
| What is KAG? Oh. | ||
| Mm, okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Great energy. | ||
| Fantastic job, Dana. | ||
| Headed to D.C. and then to Kentucky for the big Matt Bevin rally. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, look. | ||
| For sure, some people cheered. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| For sure, some people waved at him. | ||
| I saw him wave at people. | ||
| Look, some people were psyched to see him. | ||
| Look, if I was in the crowd and I was hammered and he was there, I'd be like, what's up, bro? | ||
| I'd yell at him. | ||
| I'd say hi. | ||
| I'd wave at him. | ||
| But the reaction, like when he walked in... | ||
| It's a lot of boos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But that's just fucking gonna happen, man. | ||
| He's a controversial character. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, anywhere he goes, you're gonna get a lot... | ||
| It's fun to boo. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fun to go, fuck you! | ||
| It's fun! | ||
| You're gonna do something when you see somebody... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| You're either gonna cheer or you're gonna boo. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you got Secret Service all around them. | ||
| There was a lot of noise, man. | ||
| A lot of noise. | ||
| But a lot of it was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But it wasn't like, fuck Trump, fuck Trump. | ||
| There was no chant. | ||
| This place is where he can't go. | ||
| If he went to an LBGT rally, I would guarantee that's a place where he can't go. | ||
| Even if he's pro-LBGT with his policy, that's a place where they're going to pretty universally hate him. | ||
| Where would you say he can't go? | ||
| Where wouldn't it be a good move? | ||
| I think any kind of a woman's movement, like a... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Me Too marches. | ||
| Yeah, what if he addressed, like, when they had those women marches, we're all wearing the pussy hats and walking down the street... | ||
| And they have a little speakers. | ||
| They set up a stage and he comes out to address them. | ||
| He starts grabbing everybody's hat. | ||
| Grabbed another pussy hat. | ||
| What would possess someone to want that job? | ||
| I mean, look, if you wanted to have the best case scenario answer, it's like, I want to do a good job and make this country great and do better. | ||
| But what do you think really is It's ego! | ||
| I was watching Andrew Yang on some morning talk show on Sunday and he's walking down the street with his wife and it's a Sunday. | ||
| He's got his fucking kids and I'm like, this is your Sunday? | ||
| He's got followers with his name on his... | ||
| Imagine like strangers with Fitzsimmons on a placard walking behind you cheering on a Sunday. | ||
| I want to be home. | ||
| I want to watch a fucking football game, play with my kid, make a meal. | ||
| But these people every day, they're working 16-hour days where they're saying the same shit and they're saying we're winning. | ||
| They always say we. | ||
| No, just say I am. | ||
| Be as fucking selfish as you really are. | ||
| I'm winning. | ||
| More people are liking me than those other people. | ||
| It's a bad job. | ||
| It's a bad job that no one should have. | ||
| It's a job that should be a giant roundtable of geniuses should be deciding the fate of the country. | ||
| And they all should be on mushrooms. | ||
| They all should be on ego dissolving doses of mushrooms so that none of them are acting in their own self-interest. | ||
| They all should have zero financial investments in anything that has anything to do with any decisions that they make. | ||
| They should have to give up all their stocks. | ||
| They should have to absolutely make sure... | ||
| Trump is able to have all his businesses be run by his kids, which is kind of hilarious. | ||
| But then he makes decisions that would benefit his businesses that are being run by his kids, and as soon as he's out of office, he jumps back in and takes over again, which is like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you think is going to happen when they get his taxes? | ||
| Because they're pretty close. | ||
| They're pretty close. | ||
| It's going to go to the Supreme Court now. | ||
| The last court said that he has to turn them over. | ||
| And what they're doing is they're going after his accountant instead of him. | ||
| That way the accountant will be liable. | ||
| As opposed to him personally, because he's never going to do it. | ||
| But if you're fucking, you know, Harvey Altman and company... | ||
| Yeah, you have to. | ||
| You've got to do it. | ||
| You're not going to go to jail for him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You saw what happened with Michael Cohen. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, you go to jail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no pardons. | ||
| You're going to jail. | ||
| A bunch of them went to jail. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Quite a few people are in jail. | ||
| Manafort. | ||
| Jail. | ||
| Manafort. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jail. | |
| Real jail. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Like, you can't see anybody. | ||
| Locked in a cell jail. | ||
| It's not going to matter. | ||
| When his taxes come out, it's not going to matter. | ||
| None of it matters. | ||
| He's got his file. | ||
| The only thing this election comes down to is whether or not the left can get people to show up. | ||
| Because his 46% or whatever percent are into him, they're fucking there on November 4th next year. | ||
| They're showing up. | ||
| You know what's crazy? | ||
| Chris Rock went on stage right after he won. | ||
| And Chris Rock said, you don't know that motherfucker. | ||
| He goes, let me tell you something. | ||
| He ain't leaving. | ||
| He goes, he's going to be the president for a long fucking time. | ||
| He ain't going to leave. | ||
| And I was thinking, what does that mean? | ||
| You have to leave. | ||
| If he loses? | ||
| Can you imagine if he loses and he doesn't believe he lost? | ||
| Well, he's already said he won't believe it. | ||
| He's already said that there's going to be a revolution. | ||
| He's laying the groundwork for... | ||
| Could be ugly, including the impeachment, which would be even worse than him just not getting elected. | ||
| If he was impeached, can you imagine what would happen? | ||
| I don't think he's going to get impeached. | ||
| Not impeached. | ||
| He's being impeached. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If he was convicted. | ||
| If he's convicted and then removed from office, it would be crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I don't think that's going to happen. | ||
| I think someone explained to me. | ||
| Was it Kyle Dunnigan? | ||
| Explain to me how many people. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Kyle Kulinski, sorry Kyle. | ||
| Kyle Kulinski, who's my favorite online political commentator. | ||
| Very wise guy. | ||
| He's a left-wing guy but like... | ||
| He calls it like he sees it. | ||
| He's very educated and very aware of all the pitfalls that is plaguing the left and the right. | ||
| And he said that you would need all these Republicans to vote on it in order for him to actually be impeached. | ||
| And they're not going to. | ||
| No. | ||
| There's like 22 Republican senators that would have to flip. | ||
| And so far they have zero. | ||
| They're not going to flip. | ||
| No, of course they're not. | ||
| They're more interested in their party. | ||
| than they are in anything else. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You have to, the Republicans, they have to stick together. | ||
| They, especially in this time where, you know, look, there, I'm not a Republican, but if I was, I would be extremely concerned about censorship in social media, which is a real thing. | ||
| Censorship of Republican ideas and conservative ideas is absolutely a real thing. | ||
| And is, it's not just real, it's accepted as being the right thing to do by certain organizations. | ||
| I mean, they've been caught on camera and hidden camera talking about the ways that you can silence conservative voices. | ||
| When you look at social media platforms, They're essentially the best way to get ideas out there. | ||
| It's even better than broadcast news. | ||
| Because if you put something on Fox or CBS or whatever, how many people are really going to watch it? | ||
| Is it a thousand? | ||
| A million? | ||
| How many people watch it? | ||
| But if you have a clip that goes viral... | ||
| That clip on YouTube or Twitter or Facebook, wherever, that could get 30 million people, 40 million people, way fucking more than is ever going to watch you on television. | ||
| They've kind of accepted that on late night television. | ||
| Late night television has kind of accepted that what they're looking for is these clips, these moments, these clips that almost act as advertisements for the show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, where it's James Corden fucking making people sing in his car. | ||
| That kind of shit. | ||
| They're trying to get these clips that go viral. | ||
| Because the show itself, I mean, I don't know how many people are watching. | ||
| A few hundred thousand at the most, right? | ||
| It's nothing in comparison to a lot of the... | ||
| Like, what's that guy's name that's the famous makeup kid? | ||
| He's a gay fellow? | ||
| James Charles. | ||
| James Charles. | ||
| That guy's videos on makeup get way more fucking views than anything that happens on Fox News, and that's a fact. | ||
| Anything that happens on MSNBC, and that's a fact. | ||
| Social media is way more potent than anything else when it comes to getting a message out. | ||
| And for sure, conservatives are being discriminated against on social media, by social media platforms. | ||
| Well, what's weird about it is that when you think about social media and coming out of Silicon Valley, which is famously left-wing, the election was really swung by the internet in Trump's favor. | ||
| You know, whether or not you want to call them bots that were set up by Russia or whether or not it was just they were a well-organized campaign. | ||
| They were really smart and very sharp about videos that they put out. | ||
| out yes they they have a thing now where they put out a lot of memes that they encourage people to make memes about yes um they're all over democrats are so far behind the republicans when it comes to using using it but you're right i mean if you if you ban certain people from twitter and from youtube YouTube. | ||
| That's censorship. | ||
| Yes, it is censorship. | ||
| And even if you're not banning them from those platforms, if you're shadow banning them, if you're making it very difficult for people to find them, which is real. | ||
| It's a real thing that they do. | ||
| If you have a post on social media, it doesn't just go up in chronological order anymore. | ||
| Now it's affected by an algorithm. | ||
| So I might see your posts or I might not see your posts in my feed. | ||
| It's dependent upon what I like and what I watch and what I see. | ||
| When I go to search, like if you look at my search feed, you know what you see? | ||
| You see people beating the fuck out of each other and girls doing squats. | ||
| That's like my search. | ||
| It's all like, it's the most cartoonish version of me possible. | ||
| It's all like big bull elk screaming and dudes getting head kicked in a muscle car doing a burnout. | ||
| That's my fucking, that's all, you look at my Instagram search, and that's all affected entirely by this algorithm that figures out what I like. | ||
| And then also recommends things to me. | ||
| Like in terms of like, there's a lot of sponsored things on Instagram. | ||
| Like, ooh, I could use that. | ||
| Is that good? | ||
| I don't have to Google it. | ||
| Is that a fucking thing? | ||
| And it's because it's targeting me. | ||
| It's found me. | ||
| It knows that I search for certain things. | ||
| I look at certain things. | ||
| These are the sites that I follow. | ||
| These are the things that I interact with. | ||
| So let's sell them something. | ||
| And it does the same with you. | ||
| It does the same with Jamie. | ||
| It does the same with everybody. | ||
| So they can, in certain social media platforms, use that algorithm to discriminate. | ||
| So they can decide, hey, this fucking guy keeps chirping on and on about Hillary Clinton's war crimes and all this. | ||
| We don't need this guy around, okay? | ||
| We don't need this guy and all of his fucking right-wing bullshit and all his Make America Great Again bullshit. | ||
| So we'll shadow ban him. | ||
| And so they can shove you into this category where it's very difficult to find your page. | ||
| And it's very difficult for your shit to show up. | ||
| And a lot of people have seen their views drop drastically. | ||
| Their interactions drop drastically. | ||
| Because people aren't seeing their shit anymore. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Andrew Santino had that happen to him. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| He talked to someone. | ||
| Talked to someone on the phone that told him he was shadow banned. | ||
| And he's like, what does that mean? | ||
| They're like, well, it's because of a post that you made. | ||
| He goes, well, what post is it? | ||
| They wouldn't tell him what post it was. | ||
| What kind of post would it have been? | ||
| Is he political? | ||
| No! | ||
| He's like, I'm not political at all. | ||
| But, you know, he's a comic and he says ridiculous shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's a redhead. | ||
| And so people are probably like, you know, look at this guy. | ||
| This super white-looking guy who says a bunch of ridiculous shit. | ||
| Get rid of him! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Off of his head. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I had this guy, Weirdfella, I think is his handle on Twitter. | ||
| And he used to say stupid shit. | ||
| He was goofy, whatever. | ||
| You know, I would interact with him a little bit. | ||
| And then he emailed me at my site to say that he got banned from Twitter. | ||
| Remember on Halloween when a kid showed up at the White House and Trump and Milani were standing there and Trump put candy on top of the kid's head instead of handing it to him? | ||
| It was kind of... | ||
| It was like a really ridiculous, like, this guy can't even just put candy in the fucking kid's bag. | ||
| He's got to put it on his head. | ||
| So it was like something that became a meme. | ||
| And this guy just wrote, I wish the kid had kicked him in the shins. | ||
| Thrown off Twitter for saying that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| There's a woman named Megan Murphy. | ||
| She's what's called a TERF. Do you know what a TERF is? | ||
| Trans-exclusionary radical feminist. | ||
| And she is one of those radical feminists that don't believe that a trans person is a woman. | ||
| And she was arguing that these people don't have, they shouldn't have a voice in women's issues. | ||
| Like, you're not a woman. | ||
| And so this is her opinion. | ||
| And some people think that that opinion is transphobic. | ||
| Some people think she should be allowed to have that opinion. | ||
| While on Twitter, she wrote, a man is never a woman. | ||
| They told her she has to take down that tweet. | ||
| So you know what she did? | ||
| She made a screenshot of it. | ||
| She took down that tweet, and then she posted a picture of the screenshot. | ||
| And then they banned it for life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You know who's not banned for life? | ||
| O.J. Simpson. | ||
| Double homicide. | ||
| Arm kidnapping. | ||
| Hey, Twitter world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, Twitter world, it's your friend O.J. with football picks. | |
| Hey, Twitter world. | ||
| He's fine, but this lady who just said with her words, a man is never a woman, which biologically is correct. | ||
| Banned! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Do you know what else you get banned for? | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Do you know what else you get banned for for life? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Dead naming. | ||
| Do you know what dead name he is? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| If you call Caitlyn Jenner Bruce. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Banned for life. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| For life. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This is the world we're living in. | ||
| This is this political ideology world. | ||
| This is the reason why someone like Elizabeth Warren thinks she has to say taxpayer money should pay for prisoners. | ||
| Some fucking mass murderer who decides he's a woman now to get this transitionary surgery. | ||
| Transition surgery. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Reassignment surgery. | ||
| Whatever you want to call it. | ||
| Look, I wish there was a fucking pill that you could take. | ||
| I wish there was a place where you can go, where they zap you, like the place where they turn Bruce Banner into the Hulk, that turns you into a woman. | ||
| A legit, 100% bona fide XX chromosome woman. | ||
| I wish there was. | ||
| I wish there was. | ||
| So this is no argument. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The argument is in changing someone, but not really. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, you're still your chromosomes and your biological makeup. | ||
| And then forcing people to comply. | ||
| So it's a thing of compliance. | ||
| Like, you're supposed to not bring up the fact that this person used to be a man. | ||
| Like, if your name is Greg, but, like, my friend Aubrey, okay? | ||
| Perfect example. | ||
| His name used to be Chris. | ||
| But he tripped balls one day and decided he wanted to change his name. | ||
| So he changed his name. | ||
| We all just called him Aubrey now. | ||
| I don't call him Chris anymore. | ||
| He was Chris for years. | ||
| I knew him as Chris for years. | ||
| And then he became Aubrey. | ||
| I'm like, alright, man. | ||
| You want to be Aubrey? | ||
| Now you're Aubrey. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| But if I called him Chris, would I be dead naming him? | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| You know what else is weird is that the same mentality that says this says that a white kid who grows dreadlocks and dresses in urban streetwear is culturally appropriating. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Many, many of the people that would think that, yeah. | ||
| Including, there was a movement that they had, I think most people abandoned it, but it was really ridiculous for a while, where they were yelling at white girls wearing hoop earrings, because they were saying that this is a Latina thing, you're culturally appropriating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I remember that. | |
| But it's not. | ||
| Historically, you've got to go back to ancient Sumerans, where they invented hoop earrings. | ||
| So are you from Babylon? | ||
| Are you from Mesopotamia? | ||
| No? | ||
| Then shut the fuck up, because you're culturally appropriating. | ||
| Do you have a Korean phone in your hand? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| That's culturally appropriating. | ||
| Are those Italian jeans? | ||
| Culturally appropriating. | ||
| Who made your sneakers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| China? | ||
| What the fuck are we talking about? | ||
| Culturally appropriating is one of the dumbest fucking things, because that's what cities are. | ||
| They're melting pots of awesome cultures, and they all get together. | ||
| If you're a fucking dude and you want to dress up like Bruce Lee, that doesn't mean you're culturally appropriating. | ||
| It means you're a Bruce Lee fan, and it's kind of cool. | ||
| You're admiring that, and so you're... | ||
| Trying to take it on. | ||
| It's all woke. | ||
| It's all woke culture. | ||
| It's this culture of compliance. | ||
| They want you to comply. | ||
| That's what it's about, more than anything. | ||
| It's getting people to change. | ||
| Getting people to listen to you and do what you want them to do. | ||
| I want you to stop wearing those fucking earrings. | ||
| I want you to stop wearing dreadlocks. | ||
| Meanwhile, dreadlocks... | ||
| Romans wore fucking dreadlocks. | ||
| Dreadlocks are not necessarily a black thing, although most black people... | ||
| There was more, rather, black people wearing them than white people. | ||
| But white people have had dreadlocks forever. | ||
| We've all seen dirty hippies with dreadlocks. | ||
| Go to a fucking Grateful Dead concert. | ||
| There's a lot of dirty white people with dreadlocks. | ||
| They're not trying to culturally appropriate. | ||
| They're trying to be dirty hippies with dreadlocks. | ||
| They exist. | ||
| They're real. | ||
| To say that that's cultural appropriation is fucking crazy. | ||
| We all appropriate. | ||
| We all do. | ||
| We all do. | ||
| If you are in the United States in 2019, you're a part of the greatest melting pot the world has ever known. | ||
| And to decide that you can have some of that, but you can't have other parts. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Good luck on Halloween. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I read this list of things you shouldn't do on Halloween. | ||
| It was like, don't put a feather in your head. | ||
| Don't even tattoo. | ||
| Don't put a tattoo of something that would identify you as Native American or Asian. | ||
| Yeah, don't have Asian letters tattooed. | ||
| That was a thing that people used to do. | ||
| Oh, is that a thing you shouldn't do now? | ||
| Yeah, you can't do that anymore. | ||
| I never was a fan of that to begin with. | ||
| Obama wrote—yeah, he didn't write—he gave a speech. | ||
| Oh, I saw that! | ||
| That was excellent. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| Yeah, it was excellent. | ||
| He's telling people, like, we're looking to cancel people all the time. | ||
| And this is a perfect quote that he said, the world is messy, and it is messy. | ||
| Here's the—we've got to stop looking for things that make you angry. | ||
| And just try, try to let things go and just be nice to each other. | ||
| It's not that hard. | ||
| And dialogue. | ||
| These people want to just talk and have you listen. | ||
| Like, I saw a woman coming out of a fucking restaurant the other day, and I was walking in, and a t-shirt said, I don't want to hear, or men stop talking. | ||
| I don't want to hear from men. | ||
| And it was like, I'm sorry, did I do something to you? | ||
| Have I not raised a beautiful daughter and been a loving husband and a great son to my mother? | ||
| And a great friend to a lot of women. | ||
| And mentored many female comics that I bring on the road with me and hired when I was a head writer on TV shows that I've hired. | ||
| And it's like, don't fucking put me in that category. | ||
| How about we talk about it? | ||
| Do you have an issue with what's going on with you personally? | ||
| Involving me? | ||
| Well, let's talk about it. | ||
| As a human being. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| As an individual. | ||
| But that's the thing. | ||
| They're denying the individual. | ||
| And they're making everything binary. | ||
| It's you and them. | ||
| It's us and them. | ||
| It's one and zero. | ||
| It's not... | ||
| There's no room for nuance. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no room for the complexity that is the human race. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This idea, like, men should shut the fuck up. | ||
| I don't want to hear from white men. | ||
| That's another one. | ||
| I've seen that shirt. | ||
| I don't want to hear from white men. | ||
| Maybe that's what it was. | ||
| I don't want to hear from white men. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's all nonsense. | ||
| It comes from people that want compliance. | ||
| The whole thing about woke culture is people that felt like they've been pushed around, they felt like they've been bullied, they felt like they've been maligned, they haven't been treated fairly, and now they want to turn it on you. | ||
| And they don't give a fuck. | ||
| They don't give a fuck if you're a white man. | ||
| I don't give a fuck what your opinion is. | ||
| Shut your fucking mouth. | ||
| And they feel like they can say that. | ||
| Because this culture emboldens people by letting people get away with nonsense, by letting people say things like that. | ||
| Like if I owned a restaurant and someone walked in with a shirt like that, I'd be like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Just like if you walked into a shirt with a shirt that said black people should shut the fuck up. | ||
| Get out! | ||
| If you really think that, you have no room for black people talking, I don't want you around. | ||
| Your mind is rotten. | ||
| You're thinking a terrible way. | ||
| Go cleanse yourself. | ||
| Go take a fucking meditation class or something. | ||
| Figure out what's wrong with you. | ||
| But don't bring that toxic energy around people. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| It's discriminatory. | ||
| Well, it's half the population. | ||
| And it's like, I understand that women have been... | ||
| They've had a different experience than men. | ||
| Black people have had a different experience than white people. | ||
| There's issues that need to be addressed and corrected. | ||
| And enlist me in that. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I'm perfectly willing to... | ||
| But don't force you... | ||
| Right. | ||
| ...to comply. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, there's a giant issue in this country that is, like, skirted. | ||
| It gets addressed, but then it gets ignored. | ||
| And that is, what do they do with all the communities that have been forever affected by slavery? | ||
| Like, what about all those... | ||
| When people talk about reparations, It gets dismissed. | ||
| Like, it's not you. | ||
| I didn't do anything. | ||
| It's not you. | ||
| It doesn't have to do with you. | ||
| You didn't do anything. | ||
| You never owned a slave. | ||
| I never owned a slave. | ||
| We didn't have anything to do with it. | ||
| But there's no denying that there's parts of this country that are forever affected by slavery and then, afterwards, by racist laws. | ||
| Those redline laws. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Reconstruction and Jim Crow. | ||
| All that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Never really been addressed. | ||
| Never been addressed in terms of a correction. | ||
| Now, in terms of reparations, you give people money. | ||
| I don't know if that works. | ||
| If I thought that by me paying more in taxes and them giving reparations, we could ease the tension, racial tension in this country, I would be like, okay, that's all you have to do, but it's not all you have to do. | ||
| Because you're still going to have these communities that are forever affected until something has been done to correct them. | ||
| Like, I'm not in favor of giving people who were never slaves money as reparations, but I am in favor of giving communities money and figuring out a way to rebuild them, figuring out a way to make them safer, better. | ||
| Pre-schools, school lunches. | ||
| Community programs, getting people off the streets that are involved in gangs and drugs and all that stuff. | ||
| Like, I've said this a thousand times, but it bears repeating. | ||
| The best way to have a great country is if we're a team or if we're a country, we're supposed to be a team, right? | ||
| We're a community. | ||
| A giant community of 320 million people. | ||
| What's the best way to make it stronger? | ||
| Well, you have less losers. | ||
| That's the best way. | ||
| Well, what's the likelihood of you becoming a loser if you're in an impoverished, drug-riddled, crime, just ravaged area? | ||
| Well, it's highly likely that you're not going to succeed in that area unless... | ||
| You are some person of unbelievable character and unbelievable will and fortitude and you're raised by people who did a phenomenal job essentially in a war zone, right? | ||
| If you live in the south side of Chicago and you look at the murder rate in the south side of Chicago and you compare it to the murder rate in war zones, they're pretty fucking similar, right? | ||
| So essentially these people are being asked to do their best and come out of this war zone and pull themselves up by their bootstraps. | ||
| Whereas other people around them are not in a war zone. | ||
| If we're a community, we're supposed to look at that and go, hey, how the fuck do you stop this thing from being a war zone? | ||
| How do we stop this? | ||
| How do we do that with Detroit? | ||
| How do we do that with Baltimore? | ||
| How do we do that with all these impoverished areas? | ||
| That should be addressed. | ||
| Well, it has to be looked at as our problem, not their problem. | ||
| We are all living with the ramifications of inequality. | ||
| It's affecting us on a daily basis, whether it's crime or whether it's our gross national product would be much higher if more people were educated and more people were proud of their work. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And so there has to be pride. | ||
| Less losers, more pride. | ||
| More pride. | ||
| More identifying with progress. | ||
| And I think if you live in a certain culture in this country, there isn't a pride in succeeding. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because you haven't seen it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| More opportunity. | ||
| And this includes poor white cultures. | ||
| Like, I have a friend who's from Kentucky, and he tells me about these fucking people that live in these coal mining communities, where the coal mining community, the coal's gone, and the community's shut down, people are hooked on pills, and he's like, you have never seen poverty like this. | ||
| He's like, you've never seen it. | ||
| Where like everyone in the community is on pills. | ||
| Everyone is surviving on like below minimum wage. | ||
| Everyone's a criminal. | ||
| Like it's just everyone's poor. | ||
| It's just horrific. | ||
| Did you ever see the wild and wonderful whites of West Virginia? | ||
| No. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I think it's a Johnny Knoxville documentary. | ||
| Did he put it together? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's amazing for all the wrong reasons. | ||
| Because these are the trashiest white trash people that have ever lived. | ||
| And they're all on pills. | ||
| They're all turning tricks and doing crazy shit and robbing people and shooting people. | ||
| Everyone has a fucking story that's like, you're like Macaulay Culkin from Home Alone. | ||
| Like, what?! | ||
| You're putting your hands on your ears like, what the fuck?! | ||
| But those communities exist. | ||
| They exist. | ||
| And it's so hard to get out. | ||
| It's so hard to break free. | ||
| Like, we as a community, as a giant 320 million person community, should be concentrating on fixing those spots. | ||
| At least as much as we're concentrating on fixing problems in other parts of the world. | ||
| I understand the logic behind going to these other parts of the world that are fucked up and trying to solve these problems before they affect us, before they come back to us. | ||
| That's the logic. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| But internally, inside of our country, we're not doing the same thing. | ||
| We're allowing people to become violent criminals by never giving them a chance, by never giving them an outcome, or never giving them possibilities other than what they see around them. | ||
| Not giving them any opportunities. | ||
| And we treat it as if they're supposed to be, we're all supposed to be even. | ||
| We're all supposed to be on this even game. | ||
| No. | ||
| Some people got one shitty card, and some people got like five aces. | ||
| Yeah, there's this documentary they made about a public school in Chicago. | ||
| I forget what, Oak Park, I think it was in. | ||
| It was called America is Me. | ||
| And it was like this 10-part series, and it showed the experiences of the white kids versus the black kids, because it was an integrated school, but you were seeing that the black kids were lagging grade-wise, graduation rates. | ||
| And they just went in depth, and you saw that a lot of the black kids were dealing with single parents, they were dealing with being fucking evicted, some of them being homeless, or just not having the resources, like, you know, the white kids are getting SAT prep classes. | ||
| And, you know, they're getting extra help because they've got a parent that's not working that can pick them up from school and drive them to a tutor. | ||
| And there's just all these things that you're seeing. | ||
| One side is getting fostered and the other side is struggling. | ||
| And it's the same fucking school. | ||
| So it's not as simple as just put good schools in the community, but there's got to be... | ||
| Mentorship programs. | ||
| Community outreach programs. | ||
| Community outreach. | ||
| They've got to get preschools. | ||
| They've got to get kids in there at a young age so the parents can work and there's good nutrition. | ||
| They say that the studies that show preschool, the differences long term of how people come out of there with those extra two years is astronomical. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| You prep them for it early. | ||
| But the thing is, this is where a concept like democratic socialism actually makes sense. | ||
| People think of democratic socialism or anything where you say the word socialism, they go, "Oh, you're going to take money and give it to lazy people." That's the worst case scenario, right? | ||
| But man, if we're a community, if we are a community of human beings, we've got to help the people that aren't doing good. | ||
| There's got to be a reason why they're not doing good. | ||
| It's not that they're inferior. | ||
| They have inferior choices. | ||
| They have inferior opportunities. | ||
| They have an inferior situation. | ||
| And it's so hard to get the mass of people behind giving their money to some sort of a program that does take steps to fix this. | ||
| You just don't hear it. | ||
| Well, you know, they had the jobs for FDR and the New Deal. | ||
| They were able to start. | ||
| People want to work. | ||
| People don't want to get a welfare check. | ||
| They want to feel good about themselves. | ||
| And you want to be busy all day. | ||
| Sometimes I don't work for a month. | ||
| You know, I'm between writing jobs. | ||
| Maybe I take some time off from stand-up. | ||
| I don't feel good about myself. | ||
| Terrible. | ||
| I mean, imagine that times year after year and generation after generation. | ||
| And for you, it's a choice. | ||
| Like, if you wanted to go on the road anytime. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's not a choice for a lot of people. | ||
| For a lot of choices, they're just fucked. | ||
| And you used to have, the funny thing is like the factory jobs, you look back on them and you go, those are like really shitty jobs. | ||
| You know, I grew up in a factory town and it was like, people were not enjoying it. | ||
| People were getting fucking drunk and high and just getting through. | ||
| And now we're looking, we're hearkening back to like that it was like some golden age of great work. | ||
| Like, no, you know, they were union jobs, which was great, but let's shoot higher. | ||
| You know, let's, the factory jobs aren't coming back. | ||
| But the real question is, some people don't have aspirations. | ||
| So if you took someone who's already gone through the school system and, oh, we're going to get jobs for people, that's not good enough. | ||
| You've got to fix the people that are fucked up. | ||
| You can't say – an 18-year-old person is not a finished product. | ||
| A 25-year-old person who came from a fucked-up neighborhood and has got all sorts of mental problems and probably PTSD, that's not a finished product. | ||
| You can't say, we've got a job for you. | ||
| Well, because they're fucked in the head. | ||
| They've had to deal with their friend getting shot. | ||
| They have to deal with their mom being on crack. | ||
| Getting them a job is not enough. | ||
| I don't know what the answer is. | ||
| Obviously, we're just two white guys talking shit. | ||
| We don't have to worry about this. | ||
| This is not our concern. | ||
| But if you wanted to, if you wanted to fix, if you were a person, say if Greg Fitzsimmons became president, How do you fix that? | ||
| How do you even make steps to fix that? | ||
| Because I haven't heard anyone come up with a plan, maybe there is one that I haven't heard, but a plan where it makes sense, where there's a long-term proposition to try to take these communities that are just habitually engulfed in crime and violence, just consistently, like throughout the 60s and the 70s, and fix it. | ||
| And turn it around. | ||
| At least try. | ||
| Well, the gap between the rich and the poor is growing ever since the 80s. | ||
| It's gotten just out of hand. | ||
| The top 1% have 50% of the money or something like that. | ||
| And everything is set up structurally for that to continue to divide more and more. | ||
| Right, but are they playing a game? | ||
| They're playing a game called capitalism. | ||
| And that game, they're dominating that game. | ||
| And once they get the money, then they keep the money and they pass that money down to their kids and then they keep the money. | ||
| How do you change that? | ||
| I mean, we could all play that game, right? | ||
| Like, we could all invest in the stock market. | ||
| We can all just really focus entirely on making money. | ||
| Or should we not be able to? | ||
| Like, how do you stop The 1%, like these bankers and investment people, how do you stop that? | ||
| And how do you stop that in a way where it doesn't seem like you're changing the rules of the game because some people are just psycho good at it and completely dedicated to only making money? | ||
| Well, you're not changing the rules because the estate tax was there from day one. | ||
| The Founding Fathers wanted there to be a very large estate tax. | ||
| Right. | ||
| To avoid what happened in Europe, which is these building up of these families that are handing down wealth. | ||
| And so these kids, you know, so I think we need to go back to right now it's like 35% or something like that on wealth over $10 million if you're a couple. | ||
| They need to go back to really taking that money back because… And doing what with it though? | ||
| Put it into schools to start with. | ||
| I would love that if there was a real logic to how that money got spent. | ||
| That would be the problem. | ||
| Because if it just went to a bunch of government programs that don't seem to make sense and that are poorly structured and that money gets wasted, that would make me sick. | ||
| No, I think it has to be job training programs. | ||
| It has to be helping small businesses grow with low-cost loans. | ||
| But think about these kids that are inheriting a billion dollars. | ||
| What are you ever going to contribute to society? | ||
| As opposed to, if you were set up with, you went to a private high school, you went to a great university, you went to a graduate school, all of it was paid for. | ||
| You had nannies, you were given tutors. | ||
| You should be able to go out and make a good living now. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You don't need that billion dollars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And you will feel so much better if you make your own money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So there should be enough money left. | ||
| I'm not saying take away everybody's money when they die, but I'm saying that there's a grotesque amount of money that needs to be pulled back. | ||
| That's one way of at least putting a chip away at it. | ||
| That's one way, right? | ||
| That money? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's another way? | ||
| Unless you want, like, cops or police to occupy these areas. | ||
| Like, how would you ever stop, like, at this point in time, how would you stop places from being crime-ridden? | ||
| It would have to be, like, a multi-step program where you would slowly but surely implement it and try to slowly but surely chip away at all these problems. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not something you're going to fix overnight because it didn't happen overnight, you know? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| No, there has to be great leadership, and there has to be... | ||
| But, man, you've got eight years. | ||
| You're a president, you've got four, and if you're lucky, you get eight. | ||
| No, I mean local leadership. | ||
| You need to, you know, city councilmen and, you know, mayors that are really looking at the community and figuring... | ||
| And each one's different, you know? | ||
| But I feel like if it's that way, unless it's federally, if it's that way, like, you're dealing with communities that don't have as much money already. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, because just by virtue of the fact that they're crime-ridden and poverty-stricken, these are communities that already don't have any money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Low-tax base. | ||
| Let's go back to talking about farts. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| This bums me out. | ||
| I get really bummed out when I talk about people that live in poor neighborhoods that don't have a way out. | ||
| Because that is one thing that really freaks me out. | ||
| Like, being stuck. | ||
| Like, the feeling of being stuck. | ||
| I don't know... | ||
| I mean, I don't know what it is about that feeling, but it's just... | ||
| You see people in... | ||
| I was in Colorado Springs once, and I saw this homeless couple, and they were begging for money, and they had a fucking baby. | ||
| They had a baby. | ||
| And it was outside, and it was kind of cold. | ||
| It was like October. | ||
| And I'll never forget that. | ||
| I'm seeing this homeless couple with a baby. | ||
| And I'm like, fuck. | ||
| they have a baby and they're homeless god damn it yeah like that that kind of shit freaks me the fuck out yeah like people who are just doomed you're stuck like you're stuck your parents are homeless and you're a baby and usually the parent one of the parents or both of them is mentally ill i I mean, most homelessness is caused by mental illness. | ||
| You have addiction, which is usually somebody self-medicating to begin with. | ||
| If you got to that point, you're usually self-medicating something. | ||
| And it could be a number of things. | ||
| But, you know, there used to be... | ||
| You had people that were institutionalized because they needed help. | ||
| You had mental hospitals. | ||
| You had places where the lowest in our society, the most vulnerable, were taken care of, and those were closed, and those people are on the street now. | ||
| That was during the Reagan administration, right? | ||
| Now, in LA, we now have typhus. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| They have literally medieval diseases making a comeback. | ||
| Tuberculosis is back. | ||
| There's so many homeless people in LA. They think it might be as many as 70,000 people. | ||
| Every night, 70,000 people. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| 70,000. | ||
| And there's not a fucking single plan that makes any sense to deal with that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How do they fix that? | ||
| Well, part of the problem is that, you know, it's just gotten so expensive to live here. | ||
| You know, the real estate has gone through the roof, and so people that were living on the edge, you know, paycheck to paycheck, all of a sudden, you're fucking, you're out. | ||
| You stay on as many couches as you can until people say, look, you can't live here anymore. | ||
| And then you're in your car, and, you know, trying to get, now you gotta get, to get back into housing, you need to come up with a first, last security deposit. | ||
| Where the fuck are you getting that? | ||
| Where are you getting that? | ||
| That's definitely happening in some cases. | ||
| And a lot of cases it's just drug addicts too, right? | ||
| People who are addicted to drugs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, one of the things they're finding is that, like, I work with this group called People Concern in L.A., and they're trying to get people into housing. | ||
| Transitory housing where they can at least get a shower, get some decent clothes. | ||
| We can go in a job interview and get started where you don't have to pay that first last security deposit. | ||
| That's great if you're not mentally ill. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, if you're mentally ill, all the showers in the world aren't going to fix Robert William Aparovia. | ||
| Remember that dude? | ||
| No. | ||
| You know that guy? | ||
| He's a guy who comes to the comedy store all the time. | ||
| Very nice guy. | ||
| He's a perpetual open miker. | ||
| Actually kind of funny. | ||
| He's got some good one-liners, but he's got something wrong. | ||
| Yeah, and those people need to take medication every day. | ||
| When you're on the street, you're not getting it. | ||
| And what they require is that you go to a certain facility every day to get your pills. | ||
| They won't give you the pills. | ||
| Right. | ||
| These people are fucking, they don't know where they're sleeping that night. | ||
| They can't show up at a certain time at a certain place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| So they need to have, and one of the things they found also is when they give people housing, it used to be contingent on you staying sober. | ||
| And now they're finding that, no, get them off the street. | ||
| If they're still using, you try to work with them, you try to get them into counseling, but you don't throw them back out on the street because they're using. | ||
| God, fixing people, dude. | ||
| Fixing people. | ||
| So fucking hard. | ||
| Look, I did a podcast this weekend with Artie. | ||
| Artie Lang? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's been sober now for nine months. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's fucking great. | ||
| His eyes, they sparkle. | ||
| He's alive. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| He's right there with you. | ||
| His stories were hilarious. | ||
| The best storyteller out there. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Dude, it was so fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was just thinking, like, you know, I was so happy to see him, so happy to see him sober. | ||
| Crying, laughing, and thinking, God damn it, I hope he hangs in there. | ||
| I hope. | ||
| You know, they were talking about fixing his nose, but the doctor was like, look, he's going to be on pain pills if you fix his nose. | ||
| They're going to give him medication. | ||
| It's too soon. | ||
| He needs at least a year of sobriety before he even thinks about doing that, but even then, you're taking a guy who's a bona fide addict, a self-professed addict, and then you're going to give him drugs? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I know, you can't do it. | ||
| You can't do it. | ||
| No, and that's got to be some painful surgery. | ||
| I would imagine you'd have to have something coming after that. | ||
| Nah, you can take it. | ||
| You can take it. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, you're alright. | ||
| I mean, it sucks. | ||
| I heard meditation can be as effective as any painkiller if you do it right. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I doubt it. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I bet painkillers are way better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People aren't addicted to medication or meditation. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They're addicted to medication, not meditation. | ||
| No, I'm happy for... | ||
| I'm really happy for Artie, and I've seen him, you know... | ||
| I saw him before he went in, and he was a fucking mess. | ||
| He was really bad, and he had been doing good. | ||
| Like, he was on Crashing the two years that I was there, and he would come in, and the guy was always on time, knew his lines, improv'd his face off, was always fucking great. | ||
| And then you'd hear that he'd gone off again, and you were just like, man, can't you just fucking... | ||
| You're so much to offer. | ||
| So smart. | ||
| So talented. | ||
| But he's also a wild man. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why he's so funny. | ||
| Because he's so impulsive and wild. | ||
| That's just who Artie is. | ||
| But god damn, he's alive right now. | ||
| He's alive and kicking. | ||
| And his fucking eyes are sparkling. | ||
| Like you talk to him, he's like, ah! | ||
| He's right there. | ||
| He was so funny. | ||
| God damn, he was funny. | ||
| It was just so nice to see him and hug him. | ||
| When someone has gone through hell and back like that, just... | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like, it is. | ||
| It's that wild, they have to find something to replace. | ||
| I mean, Lenny, I heard Lenny on your show. | ||
| He was fucking great. | ||
| I mean, that guy, not that he was ever like a hard addict, but he's been sober for a lot of years, and he found ways to replace it and still be a fucking madman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, he plays golf like a fucking madman. | ||
| Funny as ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Funny as ever. | |
| Funny as ever. | ||
| Funnier, I would say. | ||
| Oh my God, he's so funny on the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's just rapid fire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's in his 60s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a wild man still. | ||
| Yeah, I told him to start running. | ||
| I said, a lot of addicts, they start... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, I never got that runner's eye. | |
| I ran a little bit. | ||
| I never got that fucking run as high. | ||
| I'm like, I think you gotta run a lot. | ||
| You gotta get in shape, and then you do it a lot, and then you get used to it. | ||
| Yeah, the high doesn't kick in right away. | ||
| There's some layers you gotta shed first. | ||
| But this goes back to what you were talking about earlier, about so many of us are looking for a way to twist our consciousness, to do something to just take you out of whatever the fuck the normal, sober consciousness is. | ||
| Yeah, what's wrong with the regular sober consciousness? | ||
| And I mean, I'm saying this as somebody who struggles with it. | ||
| I feel all the time like reaching for something. | ||
| Even if it's like, I took CBD pills this morning, just because it changes me a little bit. | ||
| It fucking evens me out a little bit. | ||
| You know, I'm on the road, I'll smoke a little pot. | ||
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I just need to be different right now. | ||
| I need my head to change right now. | ||
| Well, I think it's the monotony of existential angst, too. | ||
| It's just like wearing you down. | ||
| You know, you look in the mirror, you see a few more lines, a few more bags. | ||
| Your skin is just slowly giving away from your skull. | ||
| Slowly. | ||
| Slowly. | ||
| And we're not going to win this race. | ||
| No one wins. | ||
| No one wins this thing. | ||
| And that just wears you out. | ||
| Sometimes you just don't want to think about that. | ||
| You have a couple of drinks, you don't think about it anymore. | ||
| You're like, fuck! | ||
| Fucking Donald Trump! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Donald! | |
| You get hammered. | ||
| You see the fights. | ||
| You go to see a game. | ||
| You go to a concert. | ||
| You drop acid. | ||
| You do something. | ||
| You hit on somebody. | ||
| You wouldn't have done that. | ||
| I wouldn't have walked up to that fucking hot chick and told her a joke. | ||
| No way. | ||
| A couple of drinks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ladies, let me buy you a drink. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I can remember trying to hook up sober after being drunk for so much of my life and then getting sober and then trying to hit on girls and, like, go to bed with a girl while sober was weird. | ||
| I was looking at my body like, look at this shitty body. | ||
| I didn't care about my body when I was drunk. | ||
| I'd walk to the bathroom naked. | ||
| Walk back with my dick flopping around. | ||
| But once you're sober, you're like, this is really odd. | ||
| I just met this person. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Even sex. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| You're trying to get some sort of a rush out of that. | ||
| You're trying to escape. | ||
| You're trying to both of you together. | ||
| We're doing something. | ||
| We're leaving this plane. | ||
| You're doing something. | ||
| You're trying to escape. | ||
| Whatever this fucking monotonous existence is, together. | ||
| You're seeing her face. | ||
| A woman that, an hour before, was sitting in a bar, maybe smiling and thinking to herself, oh, does my smile feel fake? | ||
| Or should I be smiling more? | ||
| And now all of a sudden, she's screaming. | ||
| Her eyes are rolled back. | ||
| She's in another dimension. | ||
| Yeah, both of you are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then afterwards you gotta deal with each other. | ||
| That is the weirdest thing ever. | ||
| It's like when you really think you're into someone and then you come and you're like, oh my god, I gotta get out of here. | ||
| How much of it is chemical? | ||
| It's such a fucking trick. | ||
| And women are like, ah, you just did that. | ||
| You just pretended you liked me so you could have sex with me. | ||
| No, I thought I did like you. | ||
| I was tricking myself too. | ||
| Like, I really believed it. | ||
| If you, you know, if you say a lot of shit that you don't really mean just to fuck someone, that's a dirty move. | ||
| But so many guys, and I've talked to so many guys who echo this, you really think you like them until you come. | ||
| And then you're like, oh. | ||
| And then whatever was kind of cute before, now is annoying and grating on you. | ||
| It's probably the same with women. | ||
| They probably thought they liked you until you fucked them and then you're hanging around talking and farting and they're like, get this guy out of my fucking apartment. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| It's biology. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the ultimate trick, right? | ||
| When you're having sex... | ||
| With someone, especially if you're really aroused, and they're really hot, and you're really into it, and they're into you, that is a drug. | ||
| It's definitely a drug. | ||
| Your oxytocin's through the roof, all your fucking pheromones are flying around, you're smelling each other, and you're aroused. | ||
| All your sex hormones are fucking... | ||
| You're blaring, you know? | ||
| And it's all, it's the number one thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah. | |
| That's it. | ||
| I mean, when you think about it, there's the orgasm and then what's second? | ||
| What's second in the list of great things that you can experience physically? | ||
| A runner's high? | ||
| Um, yeah. | ||
| You know, without drugs, just that you can naturally experience? | ||
| It's pretty up, it's pretty up there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, there's not a lot of things. | ||
| Well, it's also that it's difficult to procure, right? | ||
| It's difficult to get someone who's really attractive to like you, right? | ||
| I mean, that's the reason why you and I are funny, right? | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| Like, why are most men, why do they have a sense of humor? | ||
| They have a sense of humor because girls like that. | ||
| It's a big one. | ||
| You can kind of jump through a lot of hoops. | ||
| You can skip a lot of steps if you're funny. | ||
| If you're a guy and you're funny, because you have to be smart to be funny. | ||
| So girls are like, oh, he knows how to be funny. | ||
| And if they're not funny, but then you're funny, you can make them laugh. | ||
| They're like, oh, just bring this fucking comedian with me everywhere. | ||
| And I always have my own little show. | ||
| And when she likes you because of that, you're like, oh, she likes me because I'm funny. | ||
| And then I'll get funnier. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'll work at this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll be good at this. | |
| Dude, when I was in sixth grade, me and John Yerzak used to do comedy routines for the girls at lunch. | ||
| And we had whole fucking routines. | ||
| Like, you know, like Mark's Brothers stuff and Muppet Show shit. | ||
| Like, whatever worked. | ||
| We were up there tap dancing for those girls. | ||
| And they liked it. | ||
| Vicki Bettman and Linda Rake. | ||
| You're so funny, Greg. | ||
| They loved it! | ||
| That's so funny! | ||
| And I remember that feeling back then because I was the skinny little kid with red hair and freckles. | ||
| No chicks took it. | ||
| They just cared about the guys that were good at sports. | ||
| And all of a sudden, like, I'm getting laughs. | ||
| And I just remember feeling like, this is what I want to do. | ||
| This is what I need to do. | ||
| Yeah, you need people to like you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So there's that, right? | ||
| It's like when guys see a car, like a brand new Mercedes in a commercial, and there's a girl with long legs and high heels, and she's leaning against the car. | ||
| You're like, oh my god, does that girl come with the car? | ||
| If I get the car, will I get her? | ||
| I need to get her. | ||
| It's hard to get one of those. | ||
| You get a girl with long legs and high heels and beautiful lips, and she's looking at you like she loves you. | ||
| That's so difficult to find. | ||
| It's so difficult to get. | ||
| Most of the time, those girls, they walk right by you. | ||
| You don't even exist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But look at that. | |
| If I get that watch, that watch, there's a girl staring at that watch. | ||
| She loves that watch. | ||
| Gotta get that watch. | ||
| And that's what's used to sell most things. | ||
| How many things in America, in particular, are sold by attractive women? | ||
| Attractive women in ads, attractive women that we associate, if you get this Lamborghini, attractive women will be more drawn to you because it's difficult to get a Lamborghini. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| If this guy can get a Lamborghini, that means he's got $300,000 to throw on a stupid car that's probably going to break down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jon Hamm doing those car ads. | ||
| Women fucking, they want to get in that car with Jon Hamm. | ||
| Matthew McConaughey. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Look at that house he lives in. | ||
| I could be in that house. | ||
| I just need to, if I meet him, he'll love me. | ||
| I would put a couch over there, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's not enough, there's not enough shrubbery inside the house. | |
| Gotta fix it. | ||
| Kind of a modern painting. | ||
| It just needs a woman's touch. | ||
| Then he has sex with you and he's like, I gotta go. | ||
| But I thought... | ||
| But it's your house. | ||
| We have forever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| The ultimate biological trick. | ||
| If they've ever... | ||
| That's what's going to be really weird. | ||
| Like, if you look at aliens, right? | ||
| What's the iconic alien? | ||
| They have the big heads. | ||
| They have these little boy-like bodies. | ||
| Long fingers. | ||
| No dicks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's nothing there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because that's probably what happens in the future. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| In the future, we all figure out... | ||
| We are being tricked left and right by our dicks and our vaginas and our sex hormones are talking us into nonsense where we could just be enlightened and we could travel the galaxy together. | ||
| But we've got to get past all this sex stuff, this biological sex stuff. | ||
| And you can have an orgasm in your own brain here with this new phone, iPhone 72. Yeah. | ||
| And just press the button and get that out of your system. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Now we don't need sex anymore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we don't need our mouths either. | ||
| We need to talk with our brains. | ||
| Just a big giant head with a tiny slit for a mouth. | ||
| It's like, remember that Woody Allen movie, Sleepers, and they have the orgasmatron? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And you just pass it around and then you have an orgasm and then you move on. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| You think about how much work is involved in trying to get an orgasm. | ||
| Like how much energy people spend. | ||
| And then the seduction, right? | ||
| You meet someone at a bar. | ||
| Can I buy you a drink? | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Want me to light that cigarette? | ||
| Can't do that anymore. | ||
| But that was a thing, right? | ||
| Like, light the girl's cigarette, buy a drink. | ||
| Oh, he's so charming. | ||
| Oh, oh. | ||
| Thinking, maybe. | ||
| Dance? | ||
| A mating dance? | ||
| Let's dance. | ||
| Watch me shake my hips, I'm gonna look you in the eye. | ||
| Does he know how to dance? | ||
| A guy who doesn't know how to dance probably sucks in bed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy can fucking dance. | ||
| Look at him dance. | ||
| Maybe I'll let him shoot one in me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| It's time to breed. | ||
| I'm going to breed with a conqueror. | ||
| A man who could dance, who knows how to light a cigarette. | ||
| He could kill somebody for me. | ||
| He's big. | ||
| He's big, and he knows how to think. | ||
| He knows how to... | ||
| We've got to get out of here. | ||
| Trouble's brewing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a protector. | |
| Oh, I'm going to get in his nice car. | ||
| He can drive fast. | ||
| He lives in the top of the hill. | ||
| He's got a good spot where we can see the enemies coming from the long way. | ||
| That's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So weird. | ||
| I mean, our business is getting people to like us, right? | ||
| That's a big part of what our business is. | ||
| Our business is saying funny shit so people like us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And other people do different things. | ||
| Some girls, they just work on their squats. | ||
| They just go to the gym a lot so that people like them more. | ||
| Their ass sticks out more, get more attention. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Some people are just funny. | ||
| Some people, they acquire things. | ||
| Some people acquire power, respect, influence. | ||
| Yeah, I watched this nature special on the, what are those animals that hang upside down in Australia? | ||
| Bats? | ||
| No, they're like furry. | ||
| They're furry and cute. | ||
| Wallabies? | ||
| No, they bounce around. | ||
| I forget what they're called. | ||
| Wombats? | ||
| No, they've got them here too, I think. | ||
| But anyway, this motherfucker is on one side of the river, and he can hear a mating call from the other side of the river, and he's slow as shit. | ||
| A sloth? | ||
| A sloth! | ||
| A sloth. | ||
| So this sloth here is the female sloth, and he fucking, and I don't know where they get these cameras from, but they watch this guy go down the tree, across a limb, into the water, can't swim for shit. | ||
| There's fucking rapids, he makes his way across, I was like... | ||
| Oh, because he can hear that. | ||
| Gets across, climbs on it. | ||
| It takes like two days. | ||
| And then he finds this other sloth and he climbs on top of her. | ||
| A couple shakes of the head. | ||
| Done. | ||
| Oh, who's this bitch? | ||
| But now he can think. | ||
| Now the poor little guy can think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| She wants to eat my fruit. | ||
| Fuck out of here. | ||
| It's my fruit, bitch. | ||
| She wants to talk about that star that was shining last night, because that was entertainment back then. | ||
| But it's an even weirder dance for a girl, because a girl has to figure out whether or not this guy is going to be around, right? | ||
| She's going to let this guy shoot one inside of her. | ||
| And then what if she gets pregnant, and now this asshole, she has to rely on him? | ||
| Is he going to be around? | ||
| He's a sloth. | ||
| There's going to be a lot of time where she has to dedicate to taking care of this kid. | ||
| Maybe she can hold down a full-time job. | ||
| Maybe she can't. | ||
| But there's a lot of fucking resources that need to be dedicated towards raising these children. | ||
| Is someone going to help? | ||
| Am I going to be doing this on my own? | ||
| Women have to be really fucking careful. | ||
| Really careful. | ||
| Imagine if guys got pregnant every time we fucked. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I had a joke about that. | ||
| Abortion would be an app on your phone. | ||
| Because it would. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If we got pregnant, the fuck out of here. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, morning after pills would just be on the bedside table every morning. | ||
| They'd be everywhere. | ||
| They'd give them to you at hotels. | ||
| Like, they'd leave mints on the bed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Chocolates. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'd leave fucking plan B pills. | ||
| There would be no kids. | ||
| Zero kids. | ||
| Yeah, there'd be two of us. | ||
| Women love children. | ||
| They're nurturing. | ||
| They're capable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're like, what? | ||
| Some women. | ||
| But some women don't want to get boxed into that either. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And some guys don't want to. | ||
| Look, I love being a father. | ||
| I know you love being a father. | ||
| But I have friends, like a bunch of them, that have vasectomies. | ||
| They don't want to have kids. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| It's all okay. | ||
| There's plenty of people. | ||
| It's great that you know you don't. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I don't even know if you know you don't. | ||
| Because maybe you think you don't because you haven't had it. | ||
| I mean, a kid will change the way your fucking brain works. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And a lot of times for the better. | ||
| It made me a way nicer person. | ||
| Way nicer. | ||
| It made me way more considerate of people's positions, too, because I used to think of people always as being static. | ||
| Like, oh, this is Greg. | ||
| He's 52. He's always been 52. This is what he is. | ||
| I know him. | ||
| I'm talking to him right now. | ||
| Now I look at people and I go, oh, Greg used to be a baby. | ||
| He was a baby. | ||
| What weird circumstances befell him? | ||
| What fucking weird pitfalls and traps and weird things entered into his life? | ||
| What weird people fucked him over? | ||
| What weird people lied to him, stole from him? | ||
| How did he get to be this bitter person? | ||
| I hate to use your name there. | ||
| I didn't mean you. | ||
| Yeah, why did I become the bitter guy? | ||
| You're not! | ||
| I realize halfway enough that I've created a scenario that's wholly unlike you. | ||
| But, you know, I think of people now in a different way. | ||
| I used to think of people, angry people, I used to think of them as, oh, fuck that idiot. | ||
| But now I go, oh, that fucking guy, he got fucked over. | ||
| He got fucked over. | ||
| That's most of them. | ||
| Most of them got fucked over. | ||
| And it could have been me. | ||
| Could have been me easily. | ||
| Or just have a bad chemical makeup. | ||
| Some people are just fucking ADHD and you think that they're not caring friends because they don't remember to call you or whatever. | ||
| It's like, that guy's trying to get his shoelace tied. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Or maybe he's OCD and he can't wait to wash his hands again. | ||
| Or maybe he's got Alzheimer's and he can't remember whether he washed his hands. | ||
| Most people are trying their best. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I think a big part of what's wrong in this world is that we're dealing with a lot of communication that's not face-to-face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of it. | |
| A lot of it. | ||
| Whether it's, you know, he said, she said shit, where, like, you know, you have a problem with this guy, and then another guy tells you he said some shit about you. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| Fuck that guy. | ||
| He said that? | ||
| I'll tell you what really happened. | ||
| Instead of, like, you being alone with that guy, well, what do you think happened? | ||
| Well, what I think happened is this and that. | ||
| And you're like, well, that's definitely not what happened because of this. | ||
| And then he's got to go, oh, I didn't know that. | ||
| Well, I didn't want to fuck you over. | ||
| I'm not trying to fuck you over. | ||
| Well, I thought you were. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, now I understand why you were behaving the way you were behaving. | ||
| We're men here. | ||
| Let's talk. | ||
| I don't want any enemies. | ||
| I want friends. | ||
| Or let's yell a little bit, too. | ||
| Let's figure this out. | ||
| But so much of today... | ||
| That is excluded from the formula. | ||
| So much of today is people dealing with emails. | ||
| I had to put out a fire between two friends in an email recently. | ||
| One person was upset because they thought some person was doing something shitty to them. | ||
| I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| That's not what happened. | ||
| Let me explain. | ||
| I'll do my best. | ||
| The whole reason anyone's having this conversation is because you guys weren't talking in front of each other. | ||
| You know, and then there's this wonder. | ||
| Like, how's that guy, what is he saying about me when I'm not around? | ||
| How does he feel about me? | ||
| Does he feel like he got over on me? | ||
| Does he feel like he, did he fuck me over? | ||
| Did he disrespect me? | ||
| So much of it is like we're not supposed to communicate any other way other than like you and I are doing right now. | ||
| Look at each other in the eyes. | ||
| I know you're not full of shit. | ||
| You know I'm not full of shit. | ||
| And we get to talk. | ||
| That's how people are supposed to communicate. | ||
| And you used to be in a little village where, you know, you just, if you had a problem, you talked to that person. | ||
| And if you were a shitty person, if you were acting shitty, everybody knew you were shitty. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And you got a little bit ostracized for it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes, definitely. | ||
| There was correction, and gossip was healthy. | ||
| A little bit of gossip was good. | ||
| It was like going, hey, that's Bill. | ||
| He rapes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the gossip today. | ||
| This guy likes to get five pounds of ground beef stuffed up his ass. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| I don't know why. | ||
| Do you need to fart? | ||
| Because Johnny over there, he'll give you five bucks if you fucking throw one in his face. | ||
| He likes it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He's getting a beat off while you fart. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| That's what he likes. | ||
| He doesn't want you to touch him. | ||
| Just fart in his face. | ||
| And then kick him in the balls. | ||
| You ever watch those videos of guys that like getting kicked in the balls? | ||
| Yeah, I've seen that. | ||
| I mean, they really get kicked in the balls. | ||
| Like, hard. | ||
| Stomped. | ||
| You could die from that. | ||
| Guys get their balls stomped with stilettos. | ||
| That's a really common thing. | ||
| They're getting stomped. | ||
| Guys lose testicles. | ||
| I know a guy who lost a testicle because he got kicked, and he didn't have a cup on, and he was sparring. | ||
| He's like, I'll do one more round. | ||
| So he spars, and he gets slammed in the fucking sack with a shin, and his testicle burst. | ||
| Burst. | ||
| And these guys are just letting some chick stomp on him with a stiletto heel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was fucking around with Dave Vada one time when I was in like 10th grade, and we were wrestling around, and he reached down and grabbed my balls really hard and squoze them like a fucking knife. | ||
| He was a little bit of a nut. | ||
| And I remember laying on the ground for like 10 minutes being in like the most severe pain I've ever been in my life. | ||
| Dude, I thought I was sterile for a long time. | ||
| Because of getting kicked in the balls? | ||
| I've been kicked in the balls at least a hundred times. | ||
| Hard. | ||
| By black belts. | ||
| Like, I've been kicked in the balls, dude. | ||
| Like, many, many, many times. | ||
| Were they trying to kick you in the balls? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, you clash. | ||
| Like, say if you're throwing a kick with your right leg, and I'm throwing a kick with my right leg, and we throw them at the same time, and we're moving weird, sometimes it just goes right in the sack. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sometimes a kick will deflect. | ||
| Someone will be hitting you and you're trying to hit them in the chest, but inadvertently they catch part of your leg and it redirects it right towards their balls. | ||
| Cups don't really cover your balls. | ||
| They do. | ||
| New ones do. | ||
| There's a company called Diamond MMA and I wear their cup when I do jiu-jitsu. | ||
| It's a compression short with all these straps built in and this cup that It's got a more flexible foam rubber on the outside, and then a very hard rubber that covers the outside edge, and a very hard rubber that covers the sack and the dick. | ||
| And then it fits very snugly to your body, and you can get kicked in the balls pretty hard with those on. | ||
| Yeah, it's a giant improvement. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But when I was a kid, we didn't have that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| We had a cup that slid into a jockstrap and it barely held in place. | ||
| And one time, I was in a tournament, and I got kicked in the balls so fucking... | ||
| And I was pretty sure this guy did it on purpose. | ||
| He was a mean fuck. | ||
| I was fighting this Korean dude. | ||
| He was very good and very mean. | ||
| And I'm pretty sure he kicked me in the balls on purpose. | ||
| Because I punched him in the face on purpose right afterwards. | ||
| I was pretty sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But my ball, my cup slammed into my ball. | ||
| So the cup did worse than protect me, than not protect me. | ||
| It actually became a weapon against my ball. | ||
| So the cup slammed into my ball. | ||
| My ball swole up. | ||
| It was awful. | ||
| It was so... | ||
| What were those cups protecting? | ||
| Pretty much your shaft, but not your balls. | ||
| They do protect your balls a little bit under the ideal circumstances. | ||
| Like something comes at it straight on and it hits the cup. | ||
| It's way better to hit the cup than it is to hit your balls by themselves. | ||
| It's definitely better. | ||
| But... | ||
| It's like a bicycle helmet. | ||
| They made Taekwondo cups that we used to wear on the outside that were even better because you'd wear them. | ||
| You'd have your pants on, your gi pants, and then you would put the cup on over the pants. | ||
| They were more sturdy, and they would tie on. | ||
| They would hold them in place. | ||
| It was a little more material there, so it would cover your junk better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But still. | ||
| Sack. | ||
| It's just a fucking terrible design. | ||
| It is a bad design. | ||
| Balls on the outside. | ||
| Dangling in midair. | ||
| Just waiting to be hurt. | ||
| You ever sit on your ball? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You ever cut your dick in a zipper? | ||
| No. | ||
| Never? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| We're underwear. | ||
| I've gone fucking commando before and caught my dick in a zipper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like... | ||
| The crown? | ||
| No, the shaft. | ||
| Somewhere in the side of the shaft. | ||
| I caught it in the zipper. | ||
| It was bleeding. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| No sex for a while after that? | ||
| Yeah, because then you have to explain. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, what's on your dick? | ||
| Fucking caught it in the zipper. | ||
| You fucking liar! | ||
| You fucking lie. | ||
| You're going to give me a disease. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're such a piece of shit. | |
| That's why they invented button fly. | ||
| Yeah, probably, right? | ||
| I think button fly was first. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think the old Levi's, I think they were all button fly. | ||
| They hadn't figured out zippers yet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like zippers, like, let's guess. | ||
| When do you think they invented the zipper? | ||
| I want to say like the 1800s. | ||
| Yeah, I thought the original Levi jeans had zippers. | ||
| Don't think so. | ||
| No? | ||
| I think that's why they called them the original button fly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah. | |
| Right? | ||
| Like 501s? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Original 501 jeans? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Button flies? | ||
| I remember dry humping. | ||
| I was a fucking dry humper in junior high school, man. | ||
| Dry humping machine? | ||
| Dude, I would go all night. | ||
| I would get it. | ||
| I was gifted. | ||
| And you know, you try to get your cock right in the middle there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right in the spot. | |
| Right in the spot. | ||
| And then I was perfect. | ||
| And I remember one time getting a scab. | ||
| It got so raw, I had a scab on it. | ||
| Jesus, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you nut from dry humping? | ||
| A couple times. | ||
| But I was pretty restrained. | ||
| If you dry hump, the right way to do it is with silk pajamas. | ||
| No underwear. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| If I could go back in time, I would talk to my old self. | ||
| Hey, dickhead. | ||
| Why are you wearing these corduroys? | ||
| You're showing up at some girl's house. | ||
| She's in 8th grade. | ||
| Dad answers the door. | ||
| Why are you wearing silk pajama pants? | ||
| I'm just really into silk. | ||
| Reading a lot about trade with China. | ||
| Is Irene here? | ||
| She comes downwards. | ||
| Are you wearing underwear, you piece of shit? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| You think I'm stupid? | ||
| I'm married. | ||
| I have children. | ||
| I've had sex, you little fuck. | ||
| I know what you're doing. | ||
| You want to dry hump my kid. | ||
| She comes down and she's wearing silk pajamas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck is going on here? | |
| No way. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| Dry humping, man. | ||
| The good old days. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember when you grab a titty? | ||
| You were so happy. | ||
| I can't believe I'm holding a tit. | ||
| Outside the shirt. | ||
| I was happy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Outrageous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You were so happy. | ||
| Like, this is so much better than not holding a tit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's as good as it gets. | ||
| And then if you were a girl, I felt bad for girls back then because how annoying would it be that somebody's just grabbing- My wife must know what we're talking about. | ||
| Just call me right now. | ||
| That you're just grabbing their tit and you can't stop. | ||
| Like, she's got her bra and you wedged your hand under her bra and you're just grabbing, just squeezing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not pleasurable for her. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Definitely not. | ||
| But they did it. | ||
| Maybe she did like it. | ||
| Maybe she just liked the fact that she's naughty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So naughty. | ||
| I couldn't fathom that girls were enjoying fooling around for a long time. | ||
| I really thought that they were just being nice. | ||
| Dude, I couldn't imagine that girls liked boys. | ||
| Like, why do you even like me? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, why do you like boys? | ||
| Boys are so gross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, I remember being a kid thinking that, man... | ||
| I'm so happy that girls like boys, but I don't understand it. | ||
| It doesn't make sense. | ||
| Why would they like us? | ||
| We don't have any of the good things that they have. | ||
| They have tents. | ||
| They get wet. | ||
| They're pretty. | ||
| We're dirty. | ||
| We're gross. | ||
| They wear makeup. | ||
| We don't. | ||
| We're gross. | ||
| We're stupid. | ||
| Yeah, we're dumb as fuck. | ||
| We are dumber, too. | ||
| Like, the whole process of men developing and getting testosterone and going through the whole cycle of adulthood, it's just a fact that women mature quicker. | ||
| They're smarter at an earlier age. | ||
| So when you're 15, you gotta have a 14-year-old girlfriend. | ||
| Because if you have a 15-year-old girlfriend, she's like, you fucking idiot. | ||
| Gotta get someone smarter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If I get someone smarter. | ||
| Like, how many guys who are 18 have a 17-year-old girlfriend? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But how many guys who are 18 have a 19-year-old girlfriend? | ||
| 19-year-old girls don't want to have anything to do with an 18-year-old moron. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| They're smarter already. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're looking for a 22-year-old. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| No, it's so true. | ||
| My daughter said that. | ||
| She's like, I can't. | ||
| She goes, I can't even talk to guys my age. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| She wants a couple of ages. | ||
| They're smarter. | ||
| They don't have to go through that whole testosterone thing. | ||
| All you're thinking about is getting rid of loads. | ||
| You're barely thinking about anything else. | ||
| Studying in school. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Yeah, it was pretty much playing sports and having an orgasm. | ||
| That was high school. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And as soon as you found out about orgasms, sports took a backseat. | ||
| A big backseat. | ||
| I used to do a bit about that. | ||
| My dad was like, hey, how come you're not playing baseball anymore? | ||
| Yeah, I found this new thing. | ||
| And I'm way better at this. | ||
| I like it more. | ||
| It's more fun. | ||
| I always win. | ||
| Every game. | ||
| Every time you come, you win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yay! | |
| The crowd cheers. | ||
| It's like Trump. | ||
| Make America great again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| See, if you come, you win. | ||
| You win. | ||
| As long as the girl's not mad at you. | ||
| If you come, the girl's like, what the fuck? | ||
| You're like, oh, shit. | ||
| Now my good moment is done. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It has to be well placed. | ||
| Dude, it's already 6 p.m. | ||
| Believe it or not. | ||
| Jesus Christ, really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Let's wrap this bitch up. | ||
| Greg, tell everybody where you're going to be. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| With your hilarious stand-up comedy. | ||
| I'm going to be at the Punchline in San Francisco this weekend. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| One of my favorite clubs of all time. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| And then I'm coming up. | ||
| I'm going to be in Kansas City after that. | ||
| And then I'm going to be in Denver, Philadelphia, Cincinnati, Atlantic City. | ||
| Go to Fitzdog.com. | ||
| Get all your tickets for all those places. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| See you tomorrow, folks. | ||
| Bye, everybody. |
Export Selection