Sept. 20, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:21:35
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Penn Jillette said that. | ||
| Penn Jillette told you that it's fort, not forte? | ||
| Yeah, and he's, you know, I don't fuck with it. | ||
| He's a well-read man. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's, uh, he was just on. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's an interesting cat. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Is he correct, Jamie? | ||
| There's a little thing over the ear, right? | ||
| There's two pronunciations. | ||
| One is forte, like, yeah. | ||
| Well, that's like the word literally. | ||
| You know, the term literally has, we've actually changed the meaning because so many people used it wrong. | ||
| Okay, forte. | ||
| Forte with the A right there. | ||
|
unidentified
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Uh-huh. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, the A is first. | ||
| And fort. | ||
| So there's two different ones. | ||
| But it might be like Selfie, how it just creates itself over a while, you know? | ||
| Yeah, a thing that someone excels at. | ||
| Smalltalk was not his Fort A, or Fort. | ||
| Well, maybe Fort was original, and then someone kept fucking it up, like Tumeric. | ||
| Yeah, Turmeric. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We were just talking about how Tumeric has an R in there. | ||
| It's T-U-R, which I didn't know at all until... | ||
| Laird Hamilton put his coffee machine in here. | ||
| Did you just turn the volume down? | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| Is that my mic? | ||
| My cans are a little hot. | ||
| I'll turn it down. | ||
| I appreciate it, sir. | ||
| Is that better? | ||
| Yeah, I gotta touch your stuff. | ||
| I get crazy ears. | ||
| Pat Carney likes to hear himself loud when he talks shit. | ||
| He's got some hearing problems. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's a drummer. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Rockstar, drummer. | ||
| All those guys go deaf, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or they have issues. | ||
| Well, that's the dude from ACDC, the lead singer. | ||
| He can't sing anymore, right? | ||
| Because his ears are just shot. | ||
| That's awful, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Every song sounds the same. | ||
| They're the best. | ||
| I don't know about the best. | ||
| Come on, bro. | ||
| I mean, I like them. | ||
| The fucking best. | ||
| I don't know about the best. | ||
| Well, they are an iconic band. | ||
| I'll give you that. | ||
| There's songs. | ||
| There's certain songs. | ||
| I'm on my high. | ||
| Yeah, they're great road trip video game songs, but I feel like they kind of bleed together. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| There's a sound. | ||
| They have an ACDC sound, for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
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Sure. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's all one sound. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, you know. | ||
| But back to turmeric. | ||
| Can I say that... | ||
| You know how, like, the Middle East, there's not a lot of funny people out there? | ||
| There's not a big part of their culture is comedy in the Middle East. | ||
| And Seinfeld thinks it's because we have a love of language. | ||
| He thinks that's why Americans and British people are really funny. | ||
| Because we think about the words. | ||
| I don't think they're... | ||
| Same with German. | ||
| Not a lot of German ha-ha. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| We had a German comic that was big in Germany that came to the store and was here for a couple of years. | ||
| Did he suck? | ||
| He didn't suck, but it was all physical. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| In Germany, he's huge, but it was all like slipping on stage and pratfalls. | ||
| Yeah, come on. | ||
| We can do better than that. | ||
| We got words. | ||
| The words are the interesting part. | ||
| What you say, the writing. | ||
| You know what's a thing that people don't consider? | ||
| Those pratfall guys are always in pain. | ||
| They're always hurt. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Well, so are we mentally. | ||
| Yeah, but in a physical way. | ||
| I think I was always wondering about Chevy Chase. | ||
| Because you know Chevy Chase is supposed to be kind of grumpy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've heard that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've heard he's a dick. | ||
| I've heard he gets real grumpy. | ||
| And I wonder if the dude is just in constant pain. | ||
| Because, you know, remember how many times he used to fall down? | ||
| Like, he fell down all the time on Saturday Night Live. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| In Fletch, the detective movie. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I remember. | ||
| He prat-falled all the time, like, wicked hard falls, where it was clearly him. | ||
| Wow, I didn't know he was a fall guy. | ||
| You know, Buster Keaton, he's like so underrated. | ||
| He broke his back and didn't realize it, and the doctor was like, so when did you break your back? | ||
| He's got that crazy story. | ||
| Like, that guy fell all day long. | ||
| I think it was his neck, in fact. | ||
| Was it neck? | ||
| Was it neck? | ||
| Someone just brought this up on the show, didn't they, Jamie? | ||
| Didn't somebody just talk about that? | ||
| It was just a few episodes ago, I believe. | ||
| Oh, maybe, but he's like not really brought up a lot. | ||
| He's fucking crazy how ballsy he was and how innovative he was. | ||
| He would do stuff, like he would draw, I remember one of his gags, he would paint on a wall a hook and then hang his hat on it. | ||
| Yeah, this is yours. | ||
| Who brought it up, Jamie? | ||
| Was it Penn? | ||
| It might have been Patton. | ||
| It might have been him or maybe Gaffigan. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| I mean, it's all bits. | ||
| That's clever shit. | ||
| That's amazing shit. | ||
| This is like 19, what, 24? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, just right there was amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jumping through that person. | ||
| I mean, you could do this all day. | ||
| It's all clever and it's all redone a million times, but he did it first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And there was no one before him, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| So there's no guidebook. | ||
| Yeah, and everything ends in a punch. | ||
| It always pays off. | ||
| There's no weak ones. | ||
| And he just, sometimes he would just try it. | ||
| And I heard an interview with him and he was like, yeah, I would just go for it. | ||
| And sometimes he would be in midair and you'd think of another thing. | ||
| And then you'd do that before you hit the ground. | ||
| I mean, brilliant guy. | ||
| Check him out if you don't know him. | ||
| Right now, we're watching a video of him running over the top of a train. | ||
| He's clearly really doing it. | ||
| Yeah, he's really doing it. | ||
| He's going to do something with that hook. | ||
| There it is! | ||
| Wait for it! | ||
| Wait for it! | ||
| Come on! | ||
| The water is what broke his neck. | ||
| No! | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| That's what the video says. | ||
| Yeah, he underestimated the force of the water coming out of it. | ||
| Think about how much weight... | ||
| There is. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Behind that water. | ||
| I mean, it's like waterfalls. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, if you jumped off of the Niagara Falls and hit the bottom, what would kill you? | ||
| I mean, it might just be the force of the water hitting you against the rocks. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Because I think that's what happened with him. | ||
| Like, he got hit so hard. | ||
| I believe it was Penn. | ||
| It might have been. | ||
| I can double check. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But whoever it was. | ||
| Well, they were just explaining there was the weight of the water he underestimated. | ||
| That kind of kills the whole fucking in the waterfall scenes in every movie. | ||
| Dude, it does. | ||
| That would ruin it. | ||
| You'd get pummeled. | ||
| Imagine, like, you're headed up there and it's your idea and she slips and bashes her brains out against the rocks just because it was your stupid idea. | ||
| She's like, let's just do it right here. | ||
| Right. | ||
| No, let's go into the waterfall. | ||
| And you're so stupid, you don't understand how much force is coming down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that was a hot scene in Cocktail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was it? | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I believe it was Elizabeth Shue. | ||
| They fucking the Jamaican waterfall. | ||
| I'm a big... | ||
| I had no cable as a kid, so we would just watch everything that came on. | ||
| Do you remember that movie with Elizabeth Shue and Nicolas Cage? | ||
| Leaving Las Vegas? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| And gets a boner at the very end. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| What? | ||
| That's a good drunk guy thing. | ||
| I mean, those random drunk boners. | ||
| We've all been there. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Cocktail scene. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Waterfall. | ||
| This is my whole childhood. | ||
| Just these weird 80s movies on VHS. They were weird. | ||
| Somebody raised a good point about how we have so many options. | ||
| I'm dating a lady who's a little younger than me. | ||
| She's about 14. I'll bring up a movie like Ghostbusters. | ||
| She's like, never seen it. | ||
| Godfather, never seen it. | ||
| I'm like, don't you care? | ||
| Don't you want to see that? | ||
| She's like, I've never seen it. | ||
| It came out before my time. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, but I know about the 70s and the 60s. | ||
| Why do I know about that? | ||
| I know about Buster Keaton. | ||
| Why do younger people now? | ||
| They only go forward. | ||
| They don't go back at all. | ||
| Have you noticed that? | ||
| Yeah, I think they're inundated with too much stuff. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| They got Hulu. | ||
| They got Amazon. | ||
| They got Netflix. | ||
| They're streaming things constantly. | ||
| They're doing TikTok and Instagram, and everybody's checking social media to force a kid to sit down and watch National Lampoon's Family Vacation. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| I know, but it's good. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| I don't think they do that as much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think a lot of kids are playing video games. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And they're streaming things. | ||
| And YouTube is giant for them. | ||
| Yeah, it's fast. | ||
| Giant. | ||
| You can never suck it all up. | ||
| But here's the clinker is they're missing out on a lot. | ||
| I watched The Office with her and she's missing references to a fucking Indiana Jones joke. | ||
| And I'm like, you like this show, but you know, you missed that joke. | ||
| And then I gotta explain it to her, and she's like, who's that? | ||
| I'm like, it's Harrison Ford. | ||
| He was a this. | ||
| He was an archaeologist. | ||
| She's like, archaeology? | ||
| That sounds terrible. | ||
| I'm like, no, it was fun. | ||
| My nine-year-old watches these little videos on YouTube where they blend things. | ||
| These kids get together and they're silly and they're laughing. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| And they blend things. | ||
| But it's dumb because I'm 52. Right. | ||
| If I was nine, it would be awesome. | ||
| Like, for her, it's awesome. | ||
| Like, she's really enjoying it. | ||
| She's laughing. | ||
| It's like, it's not fake laughing. | ||
| She watches them whether or not you tell her to or not. | ||
| She's interested in it. | ||
| Like, in a blender? | ||
| Yeah, they just throw food in a blender and try to drink it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was so... | ||
| It was so dumb. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| And they're being silly, and things slip out of their hands, and then they show a slow-mo of the things slipping out of their hand. | ||
| It is inane. | ||
| It's just made for nine-year-olds by people who are odd and 18 and 19. And I bet it's got millions of views. | ||
| Millions of views. | ||
| You can't predict. | ||
| I'm trying to write the best joke ever, put this video out. | ||
| This is the funniest video! | ||
| Nobody cares, and then you fart on a taco salad, and that goes viral. | ||
| Well, do you know the makeup artist drama that took place on YouTube? | ||
| Do you know about all that? | ||
| No. | ||
| I got rubbed into that, too, because of my kids. | ||
| That's good, though. | ||
| You're seeing new shit. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| There's this young homosexual fellow who has makeup tutorials, and he got into some sort of a public scrap with his mentor. | ||
| James? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Something? | ||
| I did hear about this. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| This guy. | ||
| Wow, he's good. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| Look, the videos are fucking entertaining. | ||
| It's quite hilarious. | ||
| And he got in a scrap with that person, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And, you know, it was a lot of terrible things were said. | ||
| But it was, I had, you know, I'm like, what is happening here? | ||
| So I'm like, what does he do? | ||
| He does makeup tutorials, and I'm watching his makeup tutorials. | ||
| They're oddly entertaining. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, if it's impressive, anything is good, you know? | ||
| But the thing is, like, networks missed... | ||
| Sloppy, but entertaining. | ||
| They missed that. | ||
| Everything was done well. | ||
| Everything ended with a laugh track. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They missed. | ||
| There's a whole avenue. | ||
| Good call. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Yeah, well look at me. | ||
| I'm on the fucking Fallon. | ||
| I'm wearing a suit. | ||
| I don't wear a suit, but they make you wear one. | ||
| Yeah, they make you wear one. | ||
| They take the gritty off of everything, and the gritty's the good. | ||
| Well, you is the good. | ||
| The who you really are is the good. | ||
| Who you really are, yeah. | ||
| Who you really are, yeah. | ||
| When you want someone to conform, at least aesthetically, to who you'd like them to be, like, what are we doing here? | ||
| It's all shit. | ||
| Let the guy wear a fucking t-shirt. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Why does it matter? | ||
| We should have learned that when, remember when you were kidding, bloopers came on? | ||
| It was the fucking greatest thing ever. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| But we went, ah, they're bloopers. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| But that was, we should have held on to that. | ||
| We should have gone towards the bloop. | ||
| Well, America's Funniest Home Videos was the original YouTube. | ||
| That's right! | ||
| Right? | ||
| Kicked in the balls by a Shetland pony. | ||
| I mean, that was it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what everybody realized they wanted to see people get kicked by animals. | ||
| The way they run the show now, you submit a YouTube link to them, and they just take it from YouTube and put it on the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It's still on TV. It's on TV, but it's YouTube clips. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| They just gave up. | ||
| They tapped out. | ||
| They gave in to their maker. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| They tapped. | ||
| Remember, that was Danny Tanner, who was a dirty comic. | ||
| Or not Bob Saget, sorry. | ||
| Yeah, but that's the stage name, right? | ||
| That was his name in the show, wasn't it? | ||
| That was his full house name. | ||
| The full house name. | ||
| Yeah, Saget was a dirty comic. | ||
| Yeah, filthy. | ||
| Still is. | ||
| I mean, he is now. | ||
| But I think he probably had to take some time off while he was doing the show, right? | ||
| He didn't do any specials or anything. | ||
| Remember America's Funniest People? | ||
| What was the difference? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's a spinoff. | ||
| They needed more time slots to dominate. | ||
| Yeah, they were probably getting tons and tons of tapes. | ||
| They had to put them on another show. | ||
| They have animal ones too, right? | ||
| The difference is that's why they can't compete with YouTube. | ||
| Because YouTube shows nine-year-old girls getting launched into the air by bison in Yellowstone Park. | ||
| Like, really getting launched. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're like, holy fuck! | ||
| Yeah, this is the TV unclean version. | ||
| It's a guy getting hit by a car or, you know, knife wound fist fight. | ||
| You can watch all sorts of, like, cartel shootouts on YouTube. | ||
| But yeah, you can't say, you know, some weird... | ||
| Right-wing joke. | ||
| Isn't that funny how it's the words we're all about now? | ||
| Like, that's what I never got about. | ||
| Like, if I do a pedophilia joke, everybody's up my ass. | ||
| But we'll all get around the campfire to watch the Michael Jackson doc. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, that happened. | ||
| He's talking about splitting a kid's ass cheek apart, and everybody's like, this is crazy. | ||
| But the joke that some comic tells bothers people. | ||
| I find that odd. | ||
| Well, I think both those things bother people, for sure. | ||
| I mean, the reason why the documentary was made was because people were bothered by it. | ||
| I know, but they're excited to watch. | ||
| It's like a cultural phenomenon. | ||
| We're like, this is going to be a big show tonight. | ||
| Popcorn. | ||
| We know something was really wrong with Michael Jackson. | ||
| Something was really wrong. | ||
| There was never anybody quite like him. | ||
| That was from a tiny little boy. | ||
| How old was Elvis when he got famous? | ||
| Probably like 20 or something. | ||
| Yeah, maybe later. | ||
| And that was probably the biggest thing that had ever happened in pop music before Michael Jackson. | ||
| But Michael Jackson was the first that we ever saw that was a baby. | ||
| When he was on ABC, it's easy as one, two... | ||
| He was a little kid. | ||
| He was dancing around with his beautiful afro, and then we watched him become a grown man, one of the biggest superstars in the world, and we watched him go insane. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| We knew... | ||
| Anybody who got that much plastic surgery, you know they're insane. | ||
| You know something's really wrong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So we all knew it. | ||
| So when the sex accusations, the pedophilia accusations happen, of course everyone's going to want to tune in. | ||
| It's not like, you know... | ||
| It's a human oddity as much as it is celebrity gossip. | ||
| Agreed. | ||
| But what is it about jokes that really bother people? | ||
| More than a movie. | ||
| You know, you could have a movie rape, but about a joke, you could really graphically show the rape. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| The whole thing's acted out? | ||
| out in a movie and he always hear these actresses later like it was pretty appalling i had to like cry in the trailer after and all that and we're like all right you win an oscar but this guy in a nightclub talked about this rape he's he's evil i don't know i don't know i don't know I'm not a big rape joke guy. | ||
| I'm just saying it's weird. | ||
| There's something about jokes that really crawls up people's sphincter and pisses them off. | ||
| One of the things is it sounds like you're just talking. | ||
| If you got a movie, and in the movie you play some serial killer, and they... | ||
| You know, prepared the scene for you. | ||
| You're ready. | ||
| You're wearing the clothes they told you to wear. | ||
| You're doing the lines in the script. | ||
| We all agree this is a dramatic interpretation. | ||
| I don't know what you're doing when you're doing stand-up. | ||
| Some people are just doing satire, right? | ||
| Like some people are pretending to be racist, pretending to be a Republican asshole. | ||
| But it's just a character. | ||
| There's a bunch of guys who do stuff like that. | ||
| Or some people are, you know, some people are sarcastic. | ||
| Some people are like Jeselnik. | ||
| They say the worst shit, and it's always hilarious. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| I love him too. | ||
| And what he's doing is, that's not who he is. | ||
| These are great jokes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, he's not really lighting the maternity ward on fire. | ||
| It's just the name of his special, right? | ||
| It's like, so there's a bunch of different kinds of, and then there's other people that just fucking tell the truth, man. | ||
| There's other people, they'll talk about all the weird shit in their personal life, they'll talk about anything. | ||
| And you go, oh, this is just a funny guy who's great at telling the truth. | ||
| So it's like when you say they're jokes, but everybody does it different. | ||
| And the problem is, this is the real problem, for people who aren't stand-ups. | ||
| We're stand-ups, it makes sense to us. | ||
| People who are fans of stand-up, it makes sense to them. | ||
| But to regular folks who are getting mad, it seems like you're just talking. | ||
| Yeah, but why do we buy the Jeselnik but we don't buy the other guy? | ||
| Because it's culturally convenient. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| What do you mean? | ||
| Well, some guys are better at it. | ||
| Some guys, the writing is cleaner and sharper. | ||
| It's clear it's a joke, is what you're saying. | ||
| He's preposterous over the line, obviously into joke land. | ||
| And he's obviously really smart. | ||
| Like, there's a thing that happens, I think, when someone is really good at writing jokes, where they're giving it to you in a way that you are almost equally impressed with the efficiency of their use of language as you are with the funny in it. | ||
| You can see the art in it. | ||
| And Jasenek's a combination of both. | ||
| He's got the funny, but he also has a very impressive way of setting things up. | ||
| It's a smart way of setting things up. | ||
| So you let him get away with more. | ||
| He's funnier. | ||
| I agree, but I think there's something also to hiding the technique. | ||
| You know, he's so technique, he's a technician, he's precise, he's great at it. | ||
| But I think something about the guy just being loosey-goosey, and you don't even see, oh shit, that was the punch, I didn't even see it coming. | ||
| No, that's the thing. | ||
| That's cool too. | ||
| Oh, it's great too. | ||
| There's no better way. | ||
| You know, there's Joey Diaz, who I think is the funniest guy that's ever lived. | ||
| He's completely loose. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Completely loose. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he'll catch these waves. | ||
| Well, you can't believe it's possible for a person to be any funnier. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right, right. | |
| He just hits Joey. | ||
| Have you ever seen him murder? | ||
| I've never seen him live. | ||
| Oh, my God, dude. | ||
| He always says he's the goat. | ||
| I'm like, I want to see this goat. | ||
| He hits these waves where people are just like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Where comics in the back of the room are holding themselves. | ||
| I've seen everybody, man. | ||
| I've seen everybody kill. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've never seen anybody stronger than Joey. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's just these... | ||
| It's not... | ||
| Like, he's a Jessenek-type writer. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Like, if he does a special, it's going to be so polished from the beginning to the end. | ||
| No, he's trying to find himself in it. | ||
| But he's got seriously underrated joke-writing ability. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| His economy of words. | ||
| And he just says shit. | ||
| You don't see it coming. | ||
| And it hits you like a fucking brick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're like, oh, my God. | ||
| And, you know... | ||
| That's what I love. | ||
| But I love Jessel Nick too. | ||
| I love Seinfeld. | ||
| So do I. I love all kinds of comedy. | ||
| I love the fact that Hedberg had a completely different way of doing it than Santino does. | ||
| Everybody's got their own thing. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's a cool art. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love that I'm in it and I love that I'm getting paid to do it. | ||
| Do you know Andrew Santino? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's super conversational. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like, you almost think that he's just saying this for the first time. | ||
| He's talking to you like a friend. | ||
| Like, hey, he's one of those guys where you're at the bar. | ||
| Like, dude, dude, come here. | ||
| You know he's a fucking moron. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| He does have that. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's the guy. | |
| He's the guy. | ||
| And you're like, well, he's your brother, but he's a fucking moron. | ||
| He's a fucking moron. | ||
| And then he starts being funny. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's the guy that brings you in like, come on, let's have a drink. | ||
| Yeah, I wish I had more of that. | ||
| I'm such a nervous nut that I got to have every word precise. | ||
| I'm a precision guy. | ||
| How many years in are you? | ||
| I'm about 12, 13-ish. | ||
| Well, that's who you are then. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| And I'm okay with it. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I've figured it out. | ||
| It's a great way. | ||
| You know, when you get it polished down, you know, it's like some of the most impressive stand-up ever. | ||
| Like, one of my all-time favorites is Richard Jennings. | ||
| Oh, he's a beast. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Underrated as hell. | ||
| But he was talking about precise. | ||
| He always said, I get five minutes a year, maybe. | ||
| Five good minutes of material a year. | ||
| That's why he killed himself. | ||
| I mean, it's brutal. | ||
| Yeah, he was super precise. | ||
| He had a bunch of mental demons, unfortunately. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't we all? | ||
| I ran into him on a plane once. | ||
| I was coming home from, I think it was Austin. | ||
| I was doing the club, and he had a corporate gig. | ||
| We just... | ||
| I said hi to him. | ||
| Hey, what's up, Richard? | ||
| What's up, man? | ||
| We're talking. | ||
| I was just right behind him. | ||
| And... | ||
| He just seems so fucking bummed out, man. | ||
| Which is funny because as a young comic, you're like, you're bummed? | ||
| You're killing it! | ||
| You're one of the funniest guys ever! | ||
| You don't get it that they can also be successful and miserable. | ||
| Well, mental illness is just... | ||
| It just gets people the same way lung cancer gets people. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| The same way polio or, you know, something that you can catch. | ||
| He was just depressed, man. | ||
| Like, severely depressed. | ||
| But goddamn, he was good. | ||
| I think it was because that was the only time he was ever having fun. | ||
| It was when he was doing stand-up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Man, I didn't know the guy that well. | ||
| I only was casual with him a few times, but I was a giant fan. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I worked at Eastside Comedy Club when I was like... | ||
| I think I was probably 23-ish, 24. This was my first time making it to New York, and I was doing Long Island. | ||
| And they told me that Richard Jenny had been there that night, or that weekend, and did two shows Friday, two shows Saturday, each totally different. | ||
| Ah, that kills me. | ||
| Dude, it was the hardest thing to hear. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I always hear that. | ||
| Oh, this guy did four different hours. | ||
| I was like, this is not even possible. | ||
| I know. | ||
| How did he do it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everyone was in awe. | ||
| They were in awe. | ||
| It was Joey Cola. | ||
| Oh yeah, he's a funny guy. | ||
| Yeah, he's a great guy. | ||
| He's like a Long Island legend. | ||
| Yeah, he's a great guy. | ||
| We were talking about it. | ||
| We were like, how the fuck does he do that? | ||
| Joey was ahead of me. | ||
| He had been doing stand-up longer than me. | ||
| He had more time that he could do on stage. | ||
| But I just couldn't imagine ever coming to a point in my life where I have four different hours. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And they said he murdered. | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| Just murdered. | ||
| Do you have that deal? | ||
| You always hear Bill Hicks say that thing of like, you know, the material is what you fall back on when you're out of things to say, which I don't agree with. | ||
| I think the material is what you show up to do. | ||
| People want to hear your point of view. | ||
| They don't want to hear about, you know, they might want to hear you rant a little bit in the beginning, but do the act. | ||
| That was Hicks' style, though. | ||
| He had his own way. | ||
| His way was like he was trying to almost inject philosophy into people while he was telling jokes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the jokes were really smart. | ||
| Sure, I like the jokes. | ||
| He was obviously a smart guy, so that was his thing. | ||
| But I hear you. | ||
| The thing about him, though, is he didn't have podcasts. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| He could have used one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He would have had the greatest podcast ever. | ||
| And then I bet his stand-up would have gotten better. | ||
| Because he wouldn't have felt like he had to be so funny on stage. | ||
| Or so poignant. | ||
| Poignant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He would have felt like, I'm just here to do jokes. | ||
| During the podcast, I get to talk about life. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I talk about everything. | ||
| And I don't even have to be funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oof. | ||
| I've had some bad... | ||
| You mentioned corporates. | ||
| Did you do any? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| Thank God. | ||
| Thank the baby Jesus. | ||
| I did a gig at the cellar. | ||
| This guy showed up and he goes, I like your stuff. | ||
| You're edgy. | ||
| You're raw. | ||
| Come do my country club. | ||
| Come roast my country club. | ||
| I was like, oh, great. | ||
| So he gave me a sheet of all his employees and all their dirt. | ||
| And he's like, really zing them. | ||
| Really make it vicious. | ||
| They always say vicious. | ||
| And I show up and it's like Mercedes and, you know, Benz's everywhere and Maserati's. | ||
| And I'm like, oh shit. | ||
| White tablecloths. | ||
| I go up and I do the mic tap. | ||
| Hey everybody, I'm gonna do some comedy. | ||
| And they go, he's gonna roast everybody. | ||
| Sit back. | ||
| He's got a cigar and a suit. | ||
| And I go, hey Bill! | ||
| And Bill stands up and I go, we all know you're on Coke! | ||
| We've seen it! | ||
| And Bill's like, what? | ||
| And his wife's like, oh my god, you're supposed to be clean! | ||
| And I'm like, alright, well that didn't go well. | ||
| And I'm like, hey... | ||
| Hey, Jeff, Jeff, we all know you're cheating on your wife. | ||
| And she's like, I knew it! | ||
| You know, and the kids are crying. | ||
| And, you know, Rob, we all know you're gay. | ||
| Just come out already. | ||
| And this is all the shit he gave me. | ||
| And the place, you know, the place is in a brouhaha. | ||
| And I fucking, the guy came back. | ||
| He's like, get the hell out of here. | ||
| So that was tough. | ||
| True story. | ||
| I would have imagined you would have double checked. | ||
| No, I just used what he gave me. | ||
| This is all I knew. | ||
| That seems so ridiculous. | ||
| That guy's... | ||
| Now, did you ever communicate with him after the game? | ||
| He was furious. | ||
| Furious. | ||
| He was mad. | ||
| He was pissed at me. | ||
| He's like, what happened? | ||
| I'm like, what do you mean what happened? | ||
| I did the shit you gave me. | ||
| You said it'd be vicious. | ||
| Because he's like, I thought you'd make it funny. | ||
| I'm like, I just said the shit. | ||
| I made jokes, but I still had the dirt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oof. | |
| It was bad. | ||
| I tried to do a couple, you know, jokes after about taxis and peanut butter, but it didn't fly. | ||
| Nothing? | ||
| No, they were just yelling at each other. | ||
| The whole thing was ruined. | ||
| I ruined the whole party. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you get paid? | |
| I got paid. | ||
| I had to fight with the guy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And it was a solid check, I might say. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Nice chunk of change. | ||
| But yeah, corporate. | ||
| They always say, I've been fired from every gig when they say, be edgy. | ||
| Every time, they don't know what edgy is. | ||
| Edgy to us, we're dead inside. | ||
| Edgy to us is, you know, abortion and miscarriage and AIDS and anal and queef and jizz. | ||
| But these guys, they want, you know, maybe a Jew joke or something. | ||
| Edgy is one of those things where, even though I might enjoy it by classical definition, like what it actually is, I never enjoy hearing someone say it's edgy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| Whenever someone says something's edgy, I'm like, ew. | ||
| Yeah, you sound like my dad. | ||
| Sounds like horse shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, it's nonsense. | ||
| Oh, it's so edgy. | ||
| You gotta see him. | ||
| He's really edgy. | ||
| I don't want to see him now. | ||
| I'm not seeing anybody. | ||
| I'm not seeing anybody edgy. | ||
| That term is just a gross term. | ||
| Edgy. | ||
| It sounds dorky. | ||
| I think it's rated R. Whoa! | ||
| But it's just corny. | ||
| It's edgy. | ||
| Edgy means you're trying. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You're trying too hard. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Trying to be cool. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| He's edgy. | ||
| I'm going to make fun of everybody. | ||
| I'm talking shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I do like dark humor, though. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me too. | |
| I love dark humor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just don't like that word. | |
| That word edgy just kills me. | ||
| Same, same. | ||
| It makes me think of the worst. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like, it's just the shittiest. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, they always say, that's distasteful. | ||
| That's bad taste. | ||
| That's what they always say when I do edgy. | ||
| Like, no one would call Richard Pryor edgy. | ||
| I mean, I guess you could, but nobody who likes him... | ||
| Would you? | ||
| How could you dare? | ||
| I wouldn't, but yeah. | ||
| That's not edgy. | ||
| I really like good, edgy comedy, like Richard Pryor. | ||
| Like, get away from me. | ||
| To me, that's just comedy. | ||
| That's what stand-up is, is Richard Pryor. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's who he was, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He wasn't Stephen Wright. | ||
| Stephen Wright found his thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, that's the great thing about it is that... | ||
| It's like if you had a drug that has a bunch of different effects, and it's all just drug. | ||
| You go to the store to get it, and you don't know what you're going to get. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's interesting, yeah. | ||
| What drug we got today. | ||
| It could be a Viagra, it could be a birth control. | ||
| It could be speed. | ||
| We're going to get comedy. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| What kind of comedy are you going to go see? | ||
| Just fucking whatever. | ||
| We just took a laxative. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it could be anything. | ||
| Yeah, that's interesting. | ||
| It could be Guns N' Roses. | ||
| It could be Barry Manilow. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It could be anybody. | ||
| Yeah, and it's... | ||
| Sheena Easton. | ||
| And it seems like they're never happy with what it is, you know? | ||
| Oh, I mean, neither would you be if you went to see bands and you were, like, really into ACDC. Yeah. | ||
| And it was a bunch of Fiona Apple clones. | ||
| You'd be like, enough whining! | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I get it, Sarah McLaughlin. | ||
| You like puppies. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I did like the Fiona Apple. | ||
| She was good, but I know what you mean. | ||
| She was great. | ||
| She still is, I'm sure. | ||
| So is Sarah McLaughlin. | ||
| She's got a beautiful voice. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| You know, sometimes you want to hear fucking Cro-Mags or something. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Gwar. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or Coldplay. | ||
| There's a lot of different pieces. | ||
| Yeah, I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| There's different styles. | ||
| Yeah, I did. | ||
| I got hired for it by... | ||
| I shouldn't say the name, but I got hired by this internet company. | ||
| Pretty big one. | ||
| And I was supposed to do a Hollywood... | ||
| Did it run with Google? | ||
| No, it was older. | ||
| Couple letters. | ||
| Three letters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| So I got hired by them to host their Halloween show. | ||
| I was the host, like Bob Barker style, bad suit, skinny mic, and they were like, be edgy! | ||
| So I was hosting the Halloween costume. | ||
| We had a live audience, judges, the whole thing, and they were like, be edgy! | ||
| We saw your act! | ||
| We like it! | ||
| And I go, great! | ||
| So I'm trying to be funny, I'm getting some zings, some zangs, and Catwoman walks on, like a sexy Catwoman, I make fun of her, pussy, joke, whatever, and It's going well. | ||
| You're trying to be funny. | ||
| It's not easy. | ||
| And then she's walking off and an African queen is walking on. | ||
| She's like a big headdress black lady. | ||
| And I go, hey, watch that whip around the African. | ||
| And I swear to God, the cameras just went, like the whole thing shut down. | ||
| I felt like the power went out. | ||
| I was like, well, that was weird. | ||
| And they fired me right after. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You can't, wait a minute, if someone's wearing African garb, you can't say the African? | ||
| I said watch the whip, because Catwoman had a whip, and she was passing her, going off, and she was coming on. | ||
| I thought it was a quick, you know, zing-zang. | ||
| That's fucking funny, man. | ||
| Thanks! | ||
| I appreciate it, but they didn't think so. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They fired me. | ||
| That was bad. | ||
| That was the first day. | ||
| I was supposed to do all five days. | ||
| How funny is that? | ||
| I mean, you would think that most people would just say, well, that clearly is a joke. | ||
| Of course, of course. | ||
| That's about as jokey joke as you can get. | ||
| And in my dumb mind, I was like, ooh, I fucking nailed that one. | ||
| I thought so, too. | ||
| I was quick. | ||
| I was quick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Or if you were at the seller, that would be you nailed it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| But I don't know what your dumb parameters are, people. | ||
| Just because you own a company, I don't know what you like. | ||
| Yeah, but the problem is you're doing corporates. | ||
| You can't do them. | ||
| Ah, well, I needed money, Joe. | ||
| I get it, brother. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I took any gig then. | ||
| I took Harlem, I was in Connecticut, I was uptown, downtown, all around. | ||
| Oh, believe me, I used to do bachelor parties with no microphone. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| I did horrible, horrible gigs. | ||
| You gotta do what you gotta do. | ||
| That's brutal. | ||
| I did a couple with no microphone. | ||
| Kind of good for you, though. | ||
| I look at it like fighting. | ||
| You want to be a good fighter. | ||
| I want to be able to grapple. | ||
| I want to be able to get into a bar fight and win. | ||
| I also want to be able to get in a playground fight and a boxing ring fight. | ||
| You want it all. | ||
| You just want to be good at fighting. | ||
| Mix it up. | ||
| Mix it up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, for sure. | ||
| I think those gigs are good for you. | ||
| Even the ones where you bomb. | ||
| It also gives you a greater appreciation of the good shows, and you might have more enthusiasm for If you go to a comedy club and the middle act is already killing and you get out there and there's great energy, you're like, oh, this is so good. | ||
| You realize how good it is because you did the corporate gig. | ||
| Maybe you wouldn't appreciate those club gigs unless you had done the corporate gig. | ||
| Do you remember when you found you? | ||
| I remember where I was. | ||
| I bombed for like three years straight when I started. | ||
| And I remember how I clicked. | ||
| I just came online and became who I am and it changed everything. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| I was at a show called Mo Pitkins. | ||
| That was the name of the bar. | ||
| It was on Avenue A. And I was bombing and I was doing my dumb horse shit, observational, and this guy started heckling me. | ||
| And I just, after bombing and living in New York and having bedbugs and just being poor and sad and lonely and drunk, I just snapped on this guy and it was killing! | ||
| And I was like being me! | ||
| And I was calling this guy a piece of shit and like, what's your life? | ||
| And I broke down his whole life and made him feel like an asshole and... | ||
| I left there like, I felt like an archangel. | ||
| I was like a phoenix rising. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| So you've realized that you can be yourself, and if you are yourself, you're even funnier. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I was in this Seinfeld-y Paul Reiser shell, and I cracked that macadamia nut open and got out of there. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| I felt 10 feet tall. | ||
| I love hearing stories like that. | ||
| But I still bomb constantly. | ||
| Well, if you take chances, you're going to bomb. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| If you write new jokes, they're going to fall. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You lived in New York, huh? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's when I got way better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go! | |
| I had to get way better. | ||
| I had to get way better. | ||
| I was coming from Boston, New York, and in Boston I'd rely too much on regional humor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And it was also, there was too many, like, bar gigs where you could kind of sustain yourself. | ||
| And guys did it for too long. | ||
| They didn't venture out into the rest of the country. | ||
| And so when I did go to New York, I felt like, first of all, 10 minutes of my material now is useless. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, gone. | ||
| Like, bits that were killing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Used to kill before. | ||
| Local humor gets you local work. | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| It does. | ||
| It was a trap, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, but it works. | ||
| I had some serious... | ||
| Bomb sessions, some really bad sets. | ||
| And I had to realize, okay, I've got to really, really, really go to work and look at this. | ||
| I can't just look at this casually. | ||
| I've got to say, why am I so nervous when I go on stage? | ||
| Why don't I have a really good bit to start with? | ||
| Why don't I ease into it? | ||
| Let's look at all the problems that I've had. | ||
| Being awkward at first, you can't recover. | ||
| Exactly! | ||
| So all those different things. | ||
| When you have to move to a completely new environment, you're forced to rethink how you do comedy because now you're around the Chicago guys. | ||
| And maybe the Chicago girls and guys do their stand-up different. | ||
| And you get around them and you go, oh, well, these guys are, this is another level. | ||
| And then you go to New York, oh, this is another level. | ||
| This is a higher level. | ||
| And New York and L.A. are even different. | ||
| Sure, sure. | ||
| There's different styles, and all of it is good for you. | ||
| You're exposed to different styles, you're exposed to different audiences. | ||
| People who don't do the road, you can't do it. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| You can't be a real comic if you don't travel. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You could be like a niche weirdo, but if you want to entertain the country or the world, you've got to get out there. | ||
| A lot of those niche weirdos from Boston are some of the greatest comics of all time. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| But it's not smart. | ||
| It's like the problem is then the world doesn't get to see. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then only the people around you get to see and you're missing out on a giant chunk of the people that could appreciate your work. | ||
| You could have these fans. | ||
| You would make them feel better. | ||
| They would see you and laugh. | ||
| You're missing all that. | ||
| You're missing all that because you're not making the right steps. | ||
| Yeah, it's actually kind of closed-minded. | ||
| Well, I just, it's convenient. | ||
| Sometimes guys get married, they have kids, you know, and they get stuck. | ||
| They're in school. | ||
| They don't want to go on the road every weekend. | ||
| You know, it's like, it's too much, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you lived in New York. | ||
| When you moved there, did you have money? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| That was hell, right? | ||
| It was real bad. | ||
| I was actually staying with my grandfather, who was living in Newark, New Jersey, on North 9th Street. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God! | |
| Right next to a guy who got his door broken down for selling crack. | ||
| Sounds good. | ||
| He had an Audi parked in his driveway. | ||
| He had some cheddar. | ||
| Yeah, my grandfather was there and bought a house. | ||
| I think he bought a house in like the 40s. | ||
| And somewhere later, like in the 50s or the 60s, they did this thing called blockbusting. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| Good video. | ||
| I think that was the story. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| They would say that, like, hey, a black person's moving into your neighborhood. | ||
| Black people are going to move into your neighborhood, and it's going to drop your property value. | ||
| So you've got to sell now before this happens. | ||
| And a lot of people panicked and just sold their houses. | ||
| My grandfather was like, I like black people. | ||
| I'm staying right here. | ||
| So he just never moved. | ||
| Bad business. | ||
| He was just like, this is my fucking house. | ||
| This is where I live. | ||
| And he was there, and it turned from this all-Italian neighborhood to it was a black neighborhood for a while, and then it became, right now, or when I lived there, rather, it was more of a Latino immigrant community. | ||
| There was a lot of Spanish-speaking people from all sorts of different countries. | ||
| I didn't do a survey and find out what country they're all from, but... | ||
| Do you think black people go, shit, the Latinos are moving in? | ||
| Like, do you think they get upset about that? | ||
| Like, you know, blockbusting with, you know, Latins? | ||
| I think it's all about where people can move where they can survive. | ||
| Cheap. | ||
| If it's got to be cheap. | ||
| That's why artists go there, too. | ||
| Artists are the lowest rung of everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're the brokest and least—we can't do anything. | ||
| At least, like, black people and Latinos, they have, like, some skills. | ||
| Artists have one skill, and that's painting or some shit. | ||
| Yeah, or telling jokes. | ||
| That was always like a badge of courage for guys who lived in Alphabet City. | ||
| Like, whoa, he's real. | ||
| What do they say? | ||
| A is for... | ||
| No, D is death. | ||
| C is... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Cool it. | ||
| Crack. | ||
| Yeah, crack. | ||
| And B was, you know, be careful. | ||
| And A was anal. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was something. | ||
| That whole area was... | ||
| If you knew a guy who lived there, he probably wore... | ||
| He probably wore those, what are those fucking boots? | ||
| Doc Martens. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Timberlands? | ||
| No, he was a Doc Martens guy. | ||
| If you were a white guy and you lived in Alphabet City, you were like a tortured fan of the Creeps. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| You remember that band, the Creeps? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| I think that band had such a cool logo that a bunch of people just signed on to become fans just because they liked that creepy... | ||
| That weird, you know what I mean? | ||
| That greenish, kind of droopy. | ||
| That weird fellow. | ||
| Like, music for bad people. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| It was a good t-shirt, I remember. | ||
| I dated a gal who would go to those shows, and she would mosh, and she'd come back with headaches. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| She'd come back dizzy and shit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She got bonked in the head in a fucking mosh pit at some punk rock show at the Ratskeller. | ||
| Yeah, I moved to New York with $400, and I got bedbugs the first year, landlord died of AIDS, and I got mugged three times in the first year. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It was hell, man. | ||
| Mugged at, like, what? | ||
| Knife point? | ||
| Gun point? | ||
| Well, it was mostly my fault. | ||
| I'm victim-blaming here, but I was always such a blackout drunk that I was just, like, asking to be mugged. | ||
| oh i would fall asleep and wake up and guys were going through my shit one time i fell asleep on uh hell's kitchen remember the bar rudy's no you got a free hot dog with every beer so it was a it was a hot spot but i remember being so drunk they threw me out and i was walking down ninth avenue and i was like i just gotta lay down for a minute i'm so tired because i had to go when you had that haul to brooklyn on the subway that would take two three hours sometimes really Oh yeah, at four in the morning, yeah. | ||
| Two, three hours? | ||
| Because the trains change and they never show up and then the garbage train comes. | ||
| It takes forever. | ||
| And I live in Crown Heights, man, which is like way out. | ||
| So I fell asleep in this little alcove and I woke up and four or five guys are going through my shit. | ||
| They're blockbusting. | ||
| And I'm like, oh shit! | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| And he goes, he's getting up! | ||
| And he hit me and I went out again. | ||
| They took my keys, my phone, my joke book, and my wallet. | ||
| And starting from scratch with no money, you've got to somehow get a MetroCard, but you have no wallet to get the MetroCard. | ||
| You've got no credit card to get the wallet. | ||
| I mean, it's brutal. | ||
| How'd you get by? | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| I just had to walk home, which took forever, and then I think I jumped the turnstiles, got home, and then you find your roommate, you call your mom, and she helps you. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I fell asleep. | ||
| Oh, this is a crazy story. | ||
| I fell asleep on the subway. | ||
| I went like four stops past mine in Brooklyn. | ||
| I got out and I was like, I'll walk in. | ||
| It's a nice night. | ||
| I see five guys in the corner, right out of Stensville casting, shooting dice, thugged out guys on the corner, drinking 40s. | ||
| And I go, I'm going to cross the street. | ||
| These guys look a little shady. | ||
| And I walk across the street and now an older guy is coming to our white beard, big older black guy. | ||
| And he gets up to me and I had an old iPod. | ||
| He goes, give me that radio. | ||
| And I go, it's not a radio. | ||
| Thinking that would like... | ||
| You know, turn him away. | ||
| And he goes, just give it to me. | ||
| And I go, I don't think so. | ||
| And he grabs at it. | ||
| So I grab at it. | ||
| Now we're tugging. | ||
| And he picks me up. | ||
| And he's slamming me against a business. | ||
| Like, you know when the metal gate closes? | ||
| That pow! | ||
| Pow! | ||
| And I'm kicking him. | ||
| I'm punching him. | ||
| And I can't. | ||
| I think he was on PCP or something. | ||
| And before I know it, those five guys run over and just beat the shit out of him. | ||
| I'm talking. | ||
| He hits the ground. | ||
| They're kicking him in the face. | ||
| And I'm just like, ugh! | ||
| I grab my iPod and I get out of there. | ||
| So those five guys helped you? | ||
| They saved my life, yeah. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| I talked to a cop about it like a month later and he was like, oh, those were drug dealers and they can't have some white kid getting killed in the neighborhood. | ||
| So they had to make a choice. | ||
| And I was like, wow, thank God for drugs. | ||
| You can't judge. | ||
| I'd totally judge those guys. | ||
| Well, they're like a local mafia. | ||
| They take care of their block. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I mean, that's what the mob always did. | ||
| The one thing that people liked that lived in communities that were run by the mob is that they kind of kept an order. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It was a terrible order if you fell foul to them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You had an issue with them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you didn't. | ||
| They always said that when the mob ran Vegas... | ||
| Like old ladies would always say that. | ||
| It was beautiful when the mob ran it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| The mob ran Vegas. | ||
| It was classy. | ||
| You hear that about Buddy Cianci. | ||
| He was like the Providence mayor. | ||
| And he was like a big, big mob guy. | ||
| But everything was clean and well run. | ||
| But he was also whacking people in the back of a butcher store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| So you get the good with the bad. | ||
| It's like Al Capone showing up with a turkey on Thanksgiving, but then he's killing your uncle for not paying the bills. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that was the thing about John Gotti in Crown Heights, right? | ||
| He would light the fireworks. | ||
| Was it Crown Heights? | ||
| Is that where he lived? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There was some place in Brooklyn. | ||
| Was it Bensonhurst? | ||
| Maybe Bensonhurst. | ||
| That was very Italian. | ||
| Wherever it was. | ||
| Where Gotti would have this enormous fireworks celebration every year. | ||
| And everybody knew that the Godfather put on this fireworks celebration. | ||
| It was like his peacock feathers that would flare once a year. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And, you know, they all, like, appreciated him, and they'd come to give him respect, and, you know, they'd have this open display of the mafia in the form of fireworks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| That's great. | ||
| And everybody knew. | ||
| And it was a weird thing. | ||
| Like, everybody knew that he was putting it on. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| Very strange. | ||
| And then they're in with the cops, too, so that's weird. | ||
| You feel very safe. | ||
| It's dangerous. | ||
| Too much murder. | ||
| The law version is fucked up and people go to jail for things that they didn't do and there's a lot of real problems with the law, but it's better than the mob. | ||
| Yeah, I guess so. | ||
| It's just better. | ||
| It's way better. | ||
| Yeah, it's got issues. | ||
| But it's based on the idea that we're all equal and that we all have equal rights and the laws are supposed to protect us from people committing crimes to us and stealing from us. | ||
| Yeah, imagine if a mob guy knocked on your warehouse and was like, hey, hey, you gotta pay up. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Wouldn't that be crazy? | ||
| What would you do? | ||
| Hire more SEALs. | ||
| You got SEALs here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what those guys are? | ||
| Yeah, I'm not paying anybody. | ||
| I don't know, but then now you're in the bad spot. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want to be in the bad spot. | ||
| Yeah, so it's a tough gamble. | ||
| And then you're just thinking about it. | ||
| You're laying in bed at night and you hear somebody tapping on your door and you're like, fuck! | ||
| And then they start taunting you. | ||
| Then your life is ruined! | ||
| Then they fuck with your wife. | ||
| Who knows what's going on? | ||
| Yep, and that's how they get people to pay. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's how people get scared. | ||
| Now they call it unions. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| Sorry, sorry. | ||
| Some unions are legitimate, sir. | ||
| You're obviously on the hooch. | ||
| You've drank too much of that Buffalo Trace whiskey, sir. | ||
| Gotta get over the hump. | ||
| You're on the hooch. | ||
| Boy, you got big mitts. | ||
| Look at the size of those hands. | ||
| Jesus, you could choke a man. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Alright, sorry. | ||
| The coffee's... | ||
| I'm on the moon here. | ||
| This stuff's no joke! | ||
| It's not for the timid at heart. | ||
| I gotta get the buffalo in me just to even out. | ||
| Long night. | ||
| Yeah, it's that Laird Hamilton coffee, son. | ||
| He's a hunk. | ||
| He's a hunk of a man. | ||
| Him and his wife. | ||
| Wouldn't you love to watch them fuck? | ||
| You know a Pat from the Black Keys? | ||
| Yes, I would. | ||
| That's a beautiful spawn they would have. | ||
| I mean, with genetics. | ||
| Even Larry David's kids are hot, and he's a troll. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| You know? | ||
| I mean, I love him. | ||
| He's my hero, but... | ||
| Her genes just took over. | ||
| They picked up the weight. | ||
| The wife gene. | ||
| Yeah, the wife gene. | ||
| Yeah, the wife is beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, so the wife gene just picked up the extra weight. | ||
| Like, we got it. | ||
| We got it. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| Aren't you glad that women find funny... | ||
| What would we do if... | ||
| You know, you're a wilder beast. | ||
| I'm a dweeb. | ||
| You know, like... | ||
| The real problem. | ||
| Yeah, we'd be fucked. | ||
| Thank God women can see past looks. | ||
| I know, because men can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus! | |
| I mean, imagine if we had to wear makeup. | ||
| Oh God, I'd kill myself. | ||
| Imagine, like I was watching a lady this morning in the car. | ||
| I was ahead and my kid had a little thing at school. | ||
| One of those little, what are those things called? | ||
| Mascara. | ||
| No, they get on stage. | ||
| Jewel. | ||
| Assembly. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| God, why couldn't I come up with assembly? | ||
| I was just at one this morning. | ||
| You're getting old. | ||
| I'm looking at this lady in traffic and she's applying bass on her face and she's doing this all while she's in between traffic stops. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| They hit the red light and immediately they're putting their mask on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dolling it up. | ||
| Wow, it's such a weird thing to want to do. | ||
| Yeah, I feel bad for women, but then I also hate when they blame men for that. | ||
| You know, they go, oh, in a man's world, I gotta wear the makeup. | ||
| Like, no, you don't have to, but you can also be considered less attractive. | ||
| Like, it's a give and take here. | ||
| How much less? | ||
| Listen, man. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, good point. | ||
| Sure, but you've got to have a nice face, too. | ||
| I mean, realistically, you can't just not have... | ||
| You sound like the Dalai Lama. | ||
| Well, let's get down to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you hear what happened with him? | |
| No, what happened? | ||
| They were talking to him about, would there ever be a female Dalai Lama? | ||
| He goes, yes, but it must be good-looking. | ||
| Oh, well, I'm not saying that. | ||
| And the lady was like, what? | ||
| And he goes, yeah, nobody wants to see this face. | ||
| And he makes, like, this ugly face. | ||
| Oh, well, he's no peach himself, but I'm saying biology is the ultimate misogynist. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| When you really break it down. | ||
| You know, women, they've got to get pregnant before this age, and they also want to have a career, but they want to get knocked up, but then the tits and the boobs and the butt and the waist, it sucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And some women want a career simply because they want to show everybody that they're not inferior to men. | ||
| Yeah, that's weird, too. | ||
| Yeah, it's like society's trick, I'm not saying trick them, but trap them in a situation where not only do they have to have the babies, they have to create humans, and on top of that, they have to compete with men and show that they can. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I always find that the women who are mothers, but are also corporate people, they're insanely competitive. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Like a Gabrielle Reese. | ||
| If she went that way, if she went the corporate way, she'd be insanely competitive. | ||
| Killer. | ||
| Which is why she was this killer volleyball player. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I really feel like that's a really new thing for humans. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What year was it? | ||
| I mean, not... | ||
| It's not that it's bad, because it's great that women have the option to do whatever they want. | ||
| But what I'm saying is just historically, how recent is it? | ||
| Because it seems like it's only within the last hundred years that women have had this sort of career, working alongside men in business, in the boardrooms, and making these big decisions, and being CEOs of companies. | ||
| Which is great if you want to do that, and if you're good at it. | ||
| You still have to be good at it. | ||
| I hate all like, we've got to put a woman in. | ||
| Well, what if she sucks? | ||
| Put a woman in who's good. | ||
| There are women who are good at it. | ||
| It's insulting and condescending. | ||
| She's like, put a woman in. | ||
| We want to have a good quota. | ||
| Put a good one in. | ||
| I had a conversation like that with my friend. | ||
| She has a TV show, and she was talking about wanting to hire a diverse cast of writers. | ||
| And I was like, as long as they're good, that's number one. | ||
| That's how I feel. | ||
| Number one should be, are they good? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And she's like, well, I just want it to look a certain way. | ||
| I don't want it to be all white men. | ||
| I'm like, okay, you got one shot at this. | ||
| If you're going to do a stand-up show, you got one shot at this. | ||
| You got to put your blinders on and just say, who is the funniest? | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| It's a meritocracy. | ||
| You're trying to make a funny show. | ||
| That's the ultimate meritocracy. | ||
| The ultimate equality. | ||
| I get it if you don't think that someone can be funny but right for women, that you might be right there. | ||
| Yes, I agree with that. | ||
| I agree with that. | ||
| That's why the UFC is great. | ||
| You just let it go. | ||
| Just don't touch it. | ||
| And it's fucking... | ||
| You got a Russian guy. | ||
| You got an African guy. | ||
| You got a Swedish guy. | ||
| You got a German guy. | ||
| An Irish guy. | ||
| No one's going, oh, there's not enough black people. | ||
| Oh, thank God Silva's here. | ||
| Thank God Anderson Silva's here. | ||
| No, he's just good. | ||
| And then you got the good women, too. | ||
| You got the cyborgs and the whatnots and the rowsies. | ||
| Just let it happen. | ||
| Let it be good. | ||
| It should work itself out. | ||
| Yeah, fighting's the ultimate meritocracy, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, completely. | ||
| Which is why it's so popular, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think there's as little bullshit in it as possible. | ||
| There's bad decisions and there's injuries and stuff like that. | ||
| Eye pokes. | ||
| But overall, it's like the least bullshittable out of all sports. | ||
| I think it goes back to the blending. | ||
| The shit your daughter's watching. | ||
| Because it's just... | ||
| We want basic. | ||
| We're craving basic shit. | ||
| And I know basic is like an insult now, which is ironic. | ||
| But it's like, we just want... | ||
| Give me the core. | ||
| We got so much... | ||
| Dog shit. | ||
| Our sushi has mayonnaise on it now. | ||
| What the fuck are we doing? | ||
| The best sushi is just the simple roll. | ||
| Give me a BJ. Don't put, you know, don't give me a reach around. | ||
| Just go with the shit that works. | ||
| Don't put hot sauce on my dick. | ||
| Yeah, whatever that is. | ||
| Or the fucking cert or whatever they eat. | ||
| The mint. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Don't break. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Don't fix what's ain't broke. | ||
| Yeah, that would be the most ridiculous porn series ever. | ||
| Hot ones with dicks. | ||
| Where they just put different kind of hot sauce on dudes' dicks and these girls are crying and snot's coming out of their nose and they're blowing guys who have like Dave's Red Hot. | ||
| Yeah, that wouldn't be milk they're drinking though. | ||
| Like, what's the most ridiculous one that they always have on the Hot Ones show? | ||
| Oh, The Last Dab. | ||
| The Last Dab, that's what it's called? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's one that, like, Ari got me some of this shit that has a skull and crossbones on it, and I'm telling you, I'd have a bowl of, like, chicken noodle soup, and you put a fucking drop. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just blip! | ||
| And you eat it and you're like... | ||
| One tiny little drop. | ||
| That's not fun. | ||
| Also, dumb for those salesmen. | ||
| You're never going to sell a bottle. | ||
| But you are. | ||
| You're wrong. | ||
| Who's going to buy a bottle if a drop goes a long way? | ||
| Some people can do it, man. | ||
| We can't do it, but some people can do it. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| They used to get these guys that would come from Nepal to this chili... | ||
| There was a place called Chili My Soul in Encino. | ||
| And it was crazy how hot this guy would make his chili. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking insane. | ||
| He had different levels, like level one, level two. | ||
| I forget what the number system was, but he had this one level that was so fucking insanely hot. | ||
| He would let you try it, but they would give you a tiny little paper cup. | ||
| They'd be like, this is all you get. | ||
| Your tongue would go numb. | ||
| You couldn't stop sneezing. | ||
| What's the fun? | ||
| Well, he told me these guys from Nepal came in, ate that, and were pouring more hot sauce on top of it. | ||
| I was like, there's no way. | ||
| He goes, I'm telling you, they just have a different thing. | ||
| Their system is set up differently. | ||
| They can just eat it when you can't. | ||
| I love hot sauce. | ||
| I'm from New Orleans. | ||
| We grew up on that shit, but I don't get the painful stuff. | ||
| It's almost like a risk-fun thing, like jumping out of a plane or something. | ||
| I feel like some people don't feel things the same way. | ||
| Oh, well that's for sure. | ||
| For sure, right? | ||
| It has to be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you know, people have different tastes in art. | ||
| Like, some things that I think are garbage. | ||
| Other people are willing to pay thousands of dollars for it. | ||
| Like, this is amazing. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, there's things that they resonate with some people, but other people think they're trash. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but I think a lot of that is BS. They just want their friends to think they know, they want to seem cultured. | ||
| But I see what you're saying, but I think there's a lot of art that's just about the image. | ||
| Yeah, there's a little bit of that. | ||
| Okay, but what about music then? | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| Think about the radical differences between jazz and, say, hip-hop. | ||
| There's definitely devotees for both, both jazz and hip-hop, and they can't be more mutually... | ||
| More different. | ||
| Yeah, I like both. | ||
| Yeah, I like both too, but they're so fucking different. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like some people would love one and hate the other. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| My dad. | ||
| So that's like just a taste, like appreciation for things. | ||
| But is there that much variation in taste buds? | ||
| Mmm, I think so. | ||
| Because there must be. | ||
| Because there's things I love that other people think are disgusting. | ||
| Well, they say you taste what your mom is eating as a fetus. | ||
| Like, that's the first introduction to, like, you know, preference. | ||
| And I think that has a lot to do with my friend from Whitman, Mass, Joe List. | ||
| We have a podcast together. | ||
| I know that guy. | ||
| Yeah, you know Joe. | ||
| he eats like a nine-year-old he eats like hot dogs and uh ice cream and burgers and you know fried chicken now he's introduced pussy but he's eating he and i love zucchini i love avocado i love uh weird shit i want i want all of it i want i want indian food i want uh mexican and hot sauce and all that but he's like ah it's crazy that's crazy That's too much. | ||
| And I'm like, how can you? | ||
| And he just grew up with pizza and birthday cake and chips. | ||
| Whereas my mom is a foodie cunt, so she had all kinds of weird stews going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's a foodie cunt. | |
| I mean, my mom would cook anything. | ||
| I think she's like a Depression-era whore, because she would have a fridge with chicken bones and a box of cream, and she would make something. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm the same, man. | ||
| I love different kinds of food. | ||
| I love Indian food, man. | ||
| Love Indian. | ||
| Been on an Indian food kick lately. | ||
| Thai food. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Love! | |
| Thai's the best Asian, I think. | ||
| I think so, too. | ||
| Food and people. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Just kidding. | ||
| Well, have you ever been? | ||
| Thai? | ||
| Yeah, to Thailand. | ||
| No, I've been to China. | ||
| Super nice people, man. | ||
| No Thai. | ||
| Thailand's like the nicest people you're ever going to encounter. | ||
| It's strange how nice they are. | ||
| Everybody's so friendly. | ||
| Best looking Asian, too, I think. | ||
| They look pretty hot. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But you might be catching the wrong gender. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| That's a deal there. | ||
| Well, gender's a construct. | ||
| It is. | ||
| And there's the best proof of it. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| They also figured out the best way to kick people in the legs. | ||
| Like Thai boxing. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Elbows, the best elbows, knees, leg kicks. | ||
| Is that Thai? | ||
| Yeah, it's Thai. | ||
| I thought Brazilian had that cornered. | ||
| Oh, Muay Thai. | ||
| Yeah, Muay Thai. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| The Brazilians is Jiu-Jitsu. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| The Brazilians figured out Jiu-Jitsu and the Thais figured out kickboxing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Uh-huh. | ||
| What about Krav Maga? | ||
| Is that any good? | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| You don't hear much about Krav. | ||
| Well, it's a combination. | ||
| It's a self-defense system. | ||
| I believe it was created for the Israeli military. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| But what it essentially is is the best aspects of all these different martial arts, like a Jeet Kune Do, like a Jewish Jeet Kune Do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Bruce Lee's idea of Jeet Kune Do is like you take what's useful from whatever martial art and combine them. | ||
| With Krav Maga, there's some of them, you know, some are more striking based, some are more grappling based in terms of what they teach in their classes, but it's essentially a combination of... | ||
| Striking arts and grappling arts. | ||
| Jiu-jitsu techniques along with karate techniques, Muay Thai techniques. | ||
| So they do real martial arts. | ||
| If you see a Krav Maga expert, you go, oh, well that guy is a real martial artist. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| It's not like watching some of those kung fu people that do wacky shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| They're like, I don't think that's real. | ||
| It's just noises. | ||
| You're just touching the guy in the chest and the guy's falling down. | ||
| What they're doing is real stuff. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So they just combined it. | ||
| Isn't it funny how the Jews really flipped when they got to America? | ||
| You go to Israel and it's like chiseled, tan, tall, full head of silky hair, hot lady, and then in America it's just like diners and banks. | ||
| What happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What happened? | |
| What do you think? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Allergies and, you know, stuff like that and crazy moms. | ||
| Well, I don't know anything about the Jewish lineage, the genetic lineage, but I would imagine there's a difference between the European Jews and the Israeli Jews. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| But it's something about America. | ||
| Look at African-American black or African black and then African-Americans. | ||
| Very different. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| You know, I think it's something... | ||
| America in general. | ||
| Yeah, it's America, I think. | ||
| You can do it with almost every group, like... | ||
| Italians. | ||
| Italians! | ||
| The food's different here. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Spaghetti and meatballs, you'd think that's Italian. | ||
| That doesn't even exist over there. | ||
| Exactly, exactly. | ||
| Yeah, their pizza's not like our shitty triangular mess. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And just the people. | ||
| Yeah, their food is very fish-oriented, very light. | ||
| The meals are like these long experiences where you sit down for multiple courses. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And we got all kinds of... | ||
| We got Olive Garden. | ||
| That's what we did to it. | ||
| Breadsticks. | ||
| Well, I think that's probably the price you pay for being competitive. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| Because if you go to Italy, they don't have a lot of industry. | ||
| When you go to the touristy places, of course, it's all tourists. | ||
| But you've got to think, what chunk of their economy is based on people visiting Italy? | ||
| It must be enormous. | ||
| Yeah, it's got to be huge. | ||
| I mean, I've been there to see the Colosseum and all that. | ||
| Yeah, it's got to be an enormous sum of money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It has to be like, I would say it's probably like 50% of their economy or something crazy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's people visiting them. | ||
| Big on the catcalling over there. | ||
| This country is, yeah, real big. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They go hard in the paint. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cultural. | |
| But this country is like frantic. | ||
| We're like the most frantic ants at the center of the colony. | ||
| Money, money, business, business, business. | ||
| Yeah, corporate, corporate, corporate, chains. | ||
| Especially somewhere like New York, right? | ||
| Stacked on top of each other. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I saw a little bit of the real New York, and now it's just Pinkberry's, Dwayne Reed's, and Chase Bank. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I saw a little, but that's also when I was getting robbed. | ||
| There's a theme to this episode, and it's the good and the bad. | ||
| There's a balance. | ||
| You get mugged, you get spit on, you get catculled, but then you get the pink berry. | ||
| Judah Freelander's been there forever, and he told me that when he first moved there, it was like all artists. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he said, now it's all bankers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, it's so weird how it happened. | ||
| It's kooky. | ||
| Guys rolling through downtown in Lamborghinis. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of that now. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| It's very odd. | ||
| And neighborhoods you go to before had this cool dive bar, and now it's this wacky condo that's all glass and futuristic. | ||
| And you're like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| When did this pop up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I bought a moped. | ||
| I love this thing. | ||
| I'm zipping all over Manhattan. | ||
| I don't know why more people aren't buying mopeds in New York. | ||
| I mean, it's perfect for Manhattan. | ||
| Manhattan is 14 miles long, 2 miles wide. | ||
| It's just moped city, and I'm the only guy out there. | ||
| I feel like I beat the system. | ||
| I'm jumping from spa. | ||
| I did six sets the other night, just jumping around on a moped. | ||
| Yeah, it's the best! | ||
| You park it right on the sidewalk, put a lock on it, you run in, run out, no parking, no tickets, no garages. | ||
| Do you worry about getting hit? | ||
| I do, but you've got to live, man. | ||
| I'm just living. | ||
| You're just living. | ||
| Yeah, and I'm going through red lights, I'm in the bike lane, I'm in the real lane, I'm all over the road, and I've got a podcast in my ear, I'm listening to Jim Jeffries or something while I'm zipping around, Malcolm Gladwell, you name it, and it's great! | ||
| I forgot my point. | ||
| Do you have a helmet on? | ||
| Nah, I gotta get a helmet. | ||
| Jesus, bro! | ||
| Well, come on. | ||
| You're not using a helmet? | ||
| Look at his hair! | ||
| I can't flatten that. | ||
| Beautiful, beautiful hair. | ||
| Thank you, thank you. | ||
| You don't have to wear a helmet in New York? | ||
| Oh, I see cops. | ||
| I peel off. | ||
| I go off to the left. | ||
| Illegally. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But I'm getting around, man. | ||
| I'm getting more material worked out than ever before. | ||
| And, you know, the city is so beautiful. | ||
| Like, I'm seeing, like, oh, my God, Times Square at night. | ||
| Then you turn off, like, oh, I'm on Fifth Avenue. | ||
| And then you're like, there's Grand Central. | ||
| And there's Alphabet City. | ||
| There's the West Village. | ||
| There's the arch in Washington Square Park. | ||
| It's so pretty. | ||
| And I got the wind in my hair. | ||
| And it's fall. | ||
| And I love this thing, man. | ||
| I highly recommend getting a moped. | ||
| And you go to Italy, you go to Rome, everybody's on a moped. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Why aren't we doing it? | ||
| And I don't want them to do it. | ||
| I feel like I got in early. | ||
| So are you the only one on a moped? | ||
| I'm the only comic moped-ing. | ||
| Do you see other people on mopeds and you give each other a nod? | ||
| It's just me and Chinese delivery drivers. | ||
| Do you give them a week and a nod? | ||
| They don't know my people and they don't care. | ||
| They're just zipping along with their noodles and moving on. | ||
| They don't care about me. | ||
| Do they have DoorDash in New York? | ||
| They must. | ||
| They must. | ||
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| It's everywhere. | ||
| But they must. | ||
| It's one of those deliveries because you call the restaurant. | ||
| Oh yeah, I'm sure. | ||
| You get it off your app. | ||
| Everybody does that shit. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| You can see on Saturday all the hangover people getting their delivery. | ||
| What a genius idea because everybody before was trying to figure out like, God, why don't they deliver? | ||
| I wish they'd deliver. | ||
| And now a company said, we'll do it. | ||
| McDonald's delivers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It's kooky, man. | ||
| McDonald's delivers. | ||
| Weed delivers. | ||
| Everything is delivery. | ||
| How lazy do you have to be? | ||
| I feel like if you're going to torture your body with McDonald's, at the very least, you should get out of the house and go get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I agree. | |
| I agree. | ||
| Just go earn it. | ||
| That's the peak of laziness. | ||
| Jamie's saying, nope, get it delivered. | ||
| About time. | ||
| You don't have enough time? | ||
| Yeah, you can buy time. | ||
| On your way home, order it and it can meet you there almost. | ||
| Ah, you got a point. | ||
| I like time. | ||
| Don't spend that half an hour in line to half an hour in traffic here. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good point. | ||
| Isn't it kooky to think about when our parents were kids, how much time they spent on just getting somewhere or just writing a letter and then going to mail it, buying the stamp and then going to the post. | ||
| We can knock all that shit out with click one email. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So think about all the time you've accumulated just from not doing that one thing, let alone Ubering and flights. | ||
| Remember you used to call the travel agency? | ||
| Now you can just, boop, I got an app. | ||
| I got a Delta app. | ||
| That's so many minutes. | ||
| Counting over and over through your whole life. | ||
| So we can do pods. | ||
| We can do comedy. | ||
| We can do martial art. | ||
| We can go to the gym. | ||
| Before, people did one thing. | ||
| You had Jack LaLanne. | ||
| He was just a workout guy. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| Now you're a fucking renaissance guy. | ||
| You're all over the road. | ||
| You got 12 hobbies and two kids. | ||
| You're living. | ||
| I have three kids. | ||
| Three! | ||
| Sorry! | ||
| Shit, I thought one died. | ||
| But, you know, you're on the road as well. | ||
| I mean, we can do so much more because of all the time. | ||
| It's pretty amazing. | ||
| You can get a shirt. | ||
| Oh, I like that shirt. | ||
| Boom, it's at my house tomorrow. | ||
| One click. | ||
| Amazon. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| We're in a good time except for all the complaining. | ||
| It's funny how you complain more when things are going great. | ||
| The better things are, more people complain. | ||
| I think the problem is more people have access to something that can broadcast their complaint. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Sure, sure. | ||
| It's not just that more people complain than ever before. | ||
| I think you go to some poor town in India, even when they show the African kids with the distended belly, none of them are going, this sucks! | ||
| I hate it here! | ||
| They're still just sad. | ||
| They're not complaining. | ||
| You go to an Indian town, I think they're happier than we are, ironically. | ||
| I just think it's a broadcast issue. | ||
| I think it's a social media thing. | ||
| I don't think it hurts it. | ||
| I'm with you. | ||
| That's where the signal's coming from. | ||
| Otherwise, these whiny people have always existed. | ||
| We just didn't encounter them as frequently. | ||
| Sure, but I think we're arguing a different point. | ||
| I'm saying the more you have, the more you complain. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like, who's going to complain more? | ||
| The poor family out to dinner at the shitty restaurant or the rich cunt at the nice restaurant who goes, ah, my Dom P is warm. | ||
| It's room temperature. | ||
| She's got more, so she's got more to complain about. | ||
| Whereas the other family's just happy to be out at, you know, Sizzler. | ||
| Yeah, that is definitely true. | ||
| Yeah, we agree on that. | ||
| But the access to complain, and now we can hear about it. | ||
| Like Dave Chappelle said after his white supremacist sketch that he did with the blind guy, he said he got bags and bags of letters about how this is wrong and racist and offensive and you should be ashamed of yourself. | ||
| Bags of letters. | ||
| And you're like, oh, we didn't even know about that because that didn't come up. | ||
| Now it would be just a million tweets. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Pre-Twitter. | ||
| Well, you know, it's like levels of outrage and ambition to get your point across. | ||
| Right. | ||
| How much ambition do you have? | ||
| Do you really write that letter, get it in an envelope, get the stamp, find it? | ||
| Find his address, send it to him, hope he reads it. | ||
| You wrote it all out by hand. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Most people aren't. | ||
| But those are also the people that probably would obsessively tweet, Mark Norman, you fucking piece of shit. | ||
| This is not how you form a joke. | ||
| This is hate. | ||
| This is violence. | ||
| And they'll just keep hitting you with like 30, 40 of them in a row. | ||
| That's the same level of ambition and drive that causes someone to write a letter to Dave Chappelle 15 years ago. | ||
| And today, they'll just storm tweet you. | ||
| Like this tweet storm of 10 different angry messages to you in a row. | ||
| And those tweets hurt. | ||
| I don't think people realize they sting. | ||
| They just go, you're evil. | ||
| And you're like, you don't even know me. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| How cruel are you? | ||
| You're a bad person. | ||
| I know you think you're a hero, but you're a douche. | ||
| You're the problem. | ||
| You should be yelled at. | ||
| I just tried to make a joke. | ||
| You're like, well, your joke hurt people. | ||
| Yeah, but I wasn't trying to hurt people. | ||
| You're trying to hurt me. | ||
| Isn't that worse? | ||
| I have no intent on hurting anyone. | ||
| I'm just trying to be funny. | ||
| And then we reward these twats. | ||
| Like, what are we doing? | ||
| And that's all they're doing it for. | ||
| They're just doing it for that weird moment because they have nothing going on. | ||
| They just want to pat themselves on the back. | ||
| And also, if you hate my joke, go hate it. | ||
| Tell your friends. | ||
| Why do you have to publicly hate it? | ||
| That's when I think it gets fishy. | ||
| That's when I go, "Oh!" So you just want the recognition that you hate it. | ||
| That shows your moral superiority. | ||
| You're not actually trying to save the world. | ||
| You don't care about injustice. | ||
| You just want to let other people know that you're on the right side, or quote unquote right side. | ||
| There's certainly a lot of that going on. | ||
| There's also a lot of people that just, they just get offended. | ||
| And that's okay. | ||
| But they want you to know. | ||
| They want you to know that they're offended. | ||
| Yeah, but sometimes they don't even at you. | ||
| This is what social media is for. | ||
| Sometimes they don't even at you. | ||
| They just go, I'm pissed at this guy and who's with me and all that. | ||
| And you're like, well, talk to me. | ||
| Just tell me how you feel and we'll work it out. | ||
| I didn't mean to hurt you. | ||
| Why are you telling everyone else? | ||
| Why does this have to be public? | ||
| That's where I raise an eyebrow. | ||
| Well, maybe they couldn't figure out a way to get a hold of you privately. | ||
| Oh, I mean, we got Twitter. | ||
| But even if they did, if someone's just complaining to you privately, you're going to go back and forth with this one person from one show? | ||
| I used to, and I gave it up. | ||
| The problem is it's a volume issue. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And the people that are more apt to complain are also more apt to be annoying. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| Yeah, I can see that. | ||
| The numbers go up, at least, in terms of percentages. | ||
| It's a tool. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's this new broadcast tool. | ||
| Their tools. | ||
| And, ah, that too. | ||
| And people are using it irresponsibly. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And, you know, I think anybody using it to attack people, I mean, unless there's someone that really fucking deserves it, like they're doing something that's threatening democracy. | ||
| Of course, of course. | ||
| Or someone's health and life. | ||
| Yeah, so they're doxing people, you know, and you want everybody to know, hey, we've got a criminal amongst us. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Other than that, there's just too much hate. | ||
| It's a bandwidth issue for you as a human being. | ||
| I think you're right. | ||
| I was explaining this to a friend, talking about negative stuff. | ||
| Let's say your brain has 100 points of whatever the fuck it is that comprises your bandwidth. | ||
| If you think about something negative that you could avoid, you have 10 points that are now dedicated to this stupid thing that's bouncing around your head. | ||
| Now you only have 90 points for all the things you love. | ||
| Maybe there's a few other things. | ||
| And then maybe you go on Twitter and you start arguing with people. | ||
| Now it's 80% of your fucking bandwidth. | ||
| I know, but if you avoid it, then you start thinking, A, am I a bitch for not standing up for myself? | ||
| Or, B, am I out of the zeitgeist? | ||
| Should I be a little bit in the zeitgeist and keep up with a few things? | ||
| Am I out to lunch too much? | ||
| Am I out of touch? | ||
| Both valid points. | ||
| So then you got that to worry about. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I just think it's, I don't know, it's kind of gross. | ||
| Like, that's why I like Andrew Yang. | ||
| I'm voting for Yang all day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because he got in, I don't want to bring up the whole SNL thing, because that's been done to death, but he emailed the guy or tweeted the guy and said, hey, let's talk. | ||
| Like, I don't like what you did, but it's a teachable moment or whatever, and we can, let's see if you're really a bad guy. | ||
| And I think that's the wokest thing of all. | ||
| Instead of just going, fuck this guy, I'll kill him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The wokest thing is for the Asian guy to reach out and have a conversation. | ||
| Yeah, and he seems like a very sincere guy. | ||
| I've had him on the podcast and I've talked to him. | ||
| Andrew Yang is a very intelligent guy. | ||
| Yang gang. | ||
| But, you know, people would be suspicious. | ||
| Like, is he doing that to get attention? | ||
| I get that. | ||
| There's always going to be that. | ||
| Well, I'm, what do you call it, naive. | ||
| Or you're optimistic. | ||
| Or I'm optimistic. | ||
| I'm not saying that I would think he was. | ||
| But I did hear something. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| Find out if this is true. | ||
| Don't ruin my Yang. | ||
| Did Andrew Yang say that he, the solution, like one of the things to stop getting people to eat meat is to tax it so high and make it so expensive they don't want it anymore? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Oh, no. | ||
| I can't believe that he really said that. | ||
| It was one of those things in a Twitter tweet, and I looked at it on somebody else's page. | ||
| I just, out of nowhere, saw it. | ||
| I was like, I don't want to look into this. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Let me check it later. | ||
| You're ruining my yang. | ||
| No, listen, I enjoyed the shit out of talking to that guy, and I think he's right about universal basic income. | ||
| I think we're going to run into a time where so many jobs are removed so quickly that people are going to be in a bad place. | ||
| And I think that if there was something that... | ||
| I could give them enough money for food and shelter and necessities so you could tide them over while they're looking for employment or try to change their life. | ||
| I think it'd be good for everybody. | ||
| Yeah, hear, hear. | ||
| I hear the arguments against it, too, though. | ||
| Some people say it kills people's motivation. | ||
| Right, there's that. | ||
| They don't have purpose, they don't have meaning, they're just getting free money. | ||
| We might have to check this live. | ||
| I can't watch the video. | ||
| It says, government needs to target cattle, modify Americans' diet to eat less meat. | ||
| Now that's weird. | ||
| I don't want you to tell me what to eat. | ||
| Here's the thing, you can't say that because there's people that would, I mean, he's going to experience this. | ||
| There's a whole group online called Defending Beef that talks about ranchers and the way people look at the cattle industry and that a lot of it has been sort of distorted. | ||
| And one cow feeds a lot of fucking people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| I mean, a lot of fucking people from one cow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's one death. | ||
| I don't know if people consider a cow to be a better life than a mouse. | ||
| Use the whole buffalo is what I'm saying. | ||
| If the cow is supposed to have a more important life than a mouse, but if you're buying grain, I can guarantee you that there's mice that have died in the procuring of that grain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| All kinds of shit gets fucking chopped up in them. | ||
| A lot of things die. | ||
| Animals get displaced. | ||
| Pesticides kill them. | ||
| When you see buzzards flying over fields after they cut the crops down, that's because there's dead animals all in there. | ||
| A lot of them. | ||
| That's a fact. | ||
| This idea that the way to stop people from killing is to try to alter the American diet, get them to stop eating meat. | ||
| It's not sustainable to look at it this way. | ||
| We're looking at it in a dishonest way. | ||
| He doesn't know all the facts. | ||
| He doesn't know all the facts in terms of nutrition value. | ||
| There's way more nutrition value in steak, especially grass-fed steak, especially for the way your body digests proteins and enzymes. | ||
| This idea that a plant-based diet is all you need to go by and that we all need to move on to that, that is not right for everybody. | ||
| No, I agree. | ||
| It's just not. | ||
| eating diet that's not right for everybody either some people are better off with just fish some people are better off there's a lot of people that are vegetarians they're fine oh yeah but for him to say that for the whole country you're wrong yeah that's kooky and there's people that are they're they're ranchers they've been cattle ranchers forever people buy their meat they they know what's happening they it's not like they're confused they don't they know the cow's gonna die and then they're gonna eat it and everybody agrees that this is acceptable and this is a part of being a human and this is the cycle of life yeah Yeah. | ||
| Now, you don't have to agree with that. | ||
| But for you to say you're going to change the entire American diet, well, that's nonsense. | ||
| You ain't changing shit. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| You're not changing shit. | ||
| I don't know if that's exactly how he said it. | ||
| I don't think, reading it, I can't hear what he said, but... | ||
| People get roped into propaganda. | ||
| Yeah, that's scary. | ||
| And I thought he was against propaganda. | ||
| That's why I like he's like a computer, you know? | ||
| But I think... | ||
| When you say it about the environment, this is a big one. | ||
| This is really big. | ||
| Because they're always talking about the cattle industry and its effect on the environment. | ||
| The farting. | ||
| There's a fucking... | ||
| I've got a chart on Sean Baker's page, Dr. Sean Baker, the guy who's the carnivore advocate, but it shows in a pie chart how much of the methane that's produced and how much of the effect on the environment is because of the ranching and cattle industry. | ||
| It's this tiny little sliver. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Tiny little sliver, yeah. | ||
| Oh, they act like it's putting a hole in ozone layer. | ||
| Dude, it's fucking pollution, man. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| It's factories, it's trucks and cars. | ||
| I was talking about the ozone layer. | ||
| I don't know if this is right, not a scientist, that it's getting smaller for the first time in 20 years. | ||
| It's probably from cow farts. | ||
| Cow farts are healing it. | ||
| Smaller is good? | ||
| I just don't like a guy who thinks he's going to fix the diet of everyone. | ||
| Have you had any debates with people who are pro-carnivore or pro-omnivorous diet? | ||
| People that have changed their health because they started eating organ meats? | ||
| I mean, there's a guy named Chris Kresser. | ||
| I've had him on my show a couple of times. | ||
| He explains what goes wrong with a vegetable-based diet, with a vegan diet, with some people. | ||
| Some people have these nutritional deficiencies and it leads itself to chronic illness. | ||
| And it happened with him and he explains it. | ||
| It doesn't mean that you can't live on a vegetable diet. | ||
| The problem is people get cultish with this shit and they jump on, you know, they want you to think only the way they do and they have virtue in their way of living. | ||
| The virtue is the problem. | ||
| The vegans want you to think that they're doing right and they're causing no harm. | ||
| Unless you're growing your own fucking vegetables in your own little organic backyard, you're definitely causing some harm. | ||
| Are you causing less animal harm? | ||
| Well, that's debatable. | ||
| What about insects? | ||
| Do you count insects? | ||
| Because they're getting smashed and crushed if you're getting large-scale grain operations. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, well, we do it all day long, but could you imagine if we took meat away? | ||
| We'd have, like, meat speakeasies and shit, where we'd have to, like, hide meat. | ||
| They're doing it in certain schools. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they're doing it in cool schools. | ||
| They're giving kids meatless meals. | ||
| It's fucking terrible for them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, for developing kids. | ||
| Well, cafeteria food was never top-notch. | ||
| It's all dog shit, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they need some animal protein. | ||
| Most kids do when they're growing up. | ||
| I mean, this is one of the reasons why vegans have been arrested for having malnourished babies. | ||
| Oh, is that right? | ||
| Yeah, you never heard of that? | ||
| No, I don't read the news. | ||
| It's really common that vegans get arrested for having malnourished babies. | ||
| It's been in the news many times. | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| Many different versions of it. | ||
| That's terrifying. | ||
| It's like you're not getting enough nutrients. | ||
| I grew up on a lot of shellfish, and I've noticed a lot of my New York friends can't eat shellfish. | ||
| Yeah, it's real common. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a real common illness. | ||
| But it's so good. | ||
| Imagine not having shrimp. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's kooky. | ||
| I would have to kill myself. | ||
| We found out on Fear Factor that if you're allergic to shellfish, you're also allergic to roaches. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I grew up with both of those. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Not eating. | ||
| We wrote, but we had a shitty house. | ||
| We had an episode of Fear Factor where we served these people in Madagascar hissing cockroaches. | ||
| This guy's throat started closing up. | ||
| Just seeing it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Just being around it? | ||
| Because he ate one. | ||
| Oh, he ate one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| So they have to call the EMT, and I think they shoot you up with adrenaline. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Yeah, did you have roaches in your house as a kid? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| They would fly. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| I don't remember too many of them flying. | ||
| That might be a New Orleans thing. | ||
| That might be a Louisiana thing. | ||
| Is that where you grew up? | ||
| Yeah, Cajun. | ||
| You grew up in New Orleans? | ||
| I grew up in the heart of New Orleans. | ||
| Treme was the name of my neighborhood. | ||
| Theo Vaughn was like more sticks outside of it, but I was in the city, and it was terrifying. | ||
| It was a rough and tumble city when I was there. | ||
| My dad got a wild hair at his ass and bought a dilapidated mansion in a poor black neighborhood. | ||
| No running water for a while. | ||
| He turned the back half into a bed and breakfast because we ran out of money. | ||
| It was a crate we got robbed all the time because we were the white family in the neighborhood, and everybody thought we had money because of our big house. | ||
| So we got robbed constantly. | ||
| I walked in on a couple robberies as a kid. | ||
| My alarm would go off at like 2 in the morning. | ||
| It's like an 8-year-old. | ||
| You just know there's a guy in your living room scrapping around. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| I think that's why I'm so squirrely because that really fucked with me. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| My bike got stolen all the time from under me. | ||
| I had a transvestite nanny growing up named Enos. | ||
| I know this sounds crazy. | ||
| They don't use that word anymore. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Transvestite. | ||
| Well, he wasn't... | ||
| Trans, he just had women's clothing on. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like Mrs. Doubtfire. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But, like, they don't... | ||
| When was the last time you saw someone even refer to things that way? | ||
| Well, what is it? | ||
| Drag Queen? | ||
| I don't know what you would call it now. | ||
| Like either you're trans or you're transgender or you're non-binary? | ||
| What are you? | ||
| He was a dude. | ||
| He was a big black dude. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He looked like Ving Rhames, but he would wear high heels and a wig. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he would sweep the house. | ||
| So was he trans? | ||
| He had a dick. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Can you say trans and then it's all inclusive? | ||
| Transvestite and transgender? | ||
| I guess. | ||
| Why not, right? | ||
| Yeah, but that's a big umbrella. | ||
| I think they've abandoned transvestite. | ||
| But it has a meaning. | ||
| It's the clothing, isn't it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Is it out? | ||
| Transvestism comes up on Wikipedia when I type it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| We've got to change three letters or else you're going to jail. | ||
| Transvestism. | ||
| It's all about control. | ||
| This language is all control. | ||
| Well, it's certainly a big part of it. | ||
| Compliance is a big part of what's going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| People get mad. | ||
| Compliance. | ||
| They want you to comply. | ||
| They call it compassion. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Cross-dresser. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Where's the compassion for the guy who lost his gig? | ||
| I'm sorry for getting lost in the weeds. | ||
| So you had a... | ||
| So I had a transgender, a transvestite nanny, and he taught me everything. | ||
| He taught me how to fight and put the seat up and go on a date with a girl and how to do this with a car. | ||
| Yeah, because my parents were always working because the house was so big they had to afford it. | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| It was crazy, man. | ||
| We had roaches and mice. | ||
| I remember we didn't have lights in the house. | ||
| We had those mechanic lamps in your room. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, had a light in your room. | ||
| It was a weird way to grow up, but then the back half was serene. | ||
| It was like a bed and breakfast, and we had traveling musicians and Asian businessmen coming in. | ||
| I tried to pitch this as a show, and everybody's like, this is too dark. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| Nobody would take it. | ||
| But the racial tension was insane. | ||
| How many times do you guys think you get robbed? | ||
| Oh, I mean, you get robbed real good, like six times a year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Oh, yeah, oh, yeah. | ||
| And you guys stayed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| So Enos was like my male role model, you know, this big black guy in a wig. | ||
| And one time I was riding home from summer camp, and, you know, these three street toughs, you know, were coming up next to me, three of them like, hey, man, let us try your bike. | ||
| And I was like, ah, I'm good. | ||
| You know, I knew what they wanted. | ||
| And I was like, I'm good. | ||
| No, thank you. | ||
| And they're like, come on. | ||
| They're doing their back tire or their front tire against my back. | ||
| You know, that move starting to skid me out a little bit. | ||
| So I go, all right, all right. | ||
| And these kids are 17. I'm probably like 13. And they're like, all right, let me just try it. | ||
| So I remember I kept my hand on the handle. | ||
| And he got on it. | ||
| And he's like, ah. | ||
| And he just brushed my hand away and just went, check you, and rode off. | ||
| And I was like, ah. | ||
| So I ran home crying. | ||
| And I got there. | ||
| And Enos was like, what happened? | ||
| I'm like, ah. | ||
| A couple of kids took my bike, and it was like the fourth time. | ||
| So he's like, fuck that. | ||
| Get in the van. | ||
| I'm like, I'm good. | ||
| I'm so defeated. | ||
| It's so emasculating. | ||
| You feel like a bitch. | ||
| So I was like, I'm good. | ||
| He's like, get in the van. | ||
| We had a big van, and we're driving around the neighborhood looking for my bike. | ||
| I don't want to see these guys again. | ||
| I just want to let it go. | ||
| And he's like, we're going to find that bike. | ||
| We're driving around, and we go some back streets, and we see these kids on a stoop taking it apart, because you've got to camouflage it a little. | ||
| So I'm like, and he's like, is that your bike? | ||
| I'm like, yeah. | ||
| I'm slunched down and shotgun. | ||
| Like, yeah, it's my bike. | ||
| Let's get out of here. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Abort. | ||
| And he goes up to these guys. | ||
| He walks up to these guys, and he's wearing high heels, a wig, and like a v-neck, and he looks weird. | ||
| It's the 90s. | ||
| And he goes up to these guys, and they're all going, ah! | ||
| They all lose it because they're like, look at this fucking fag. | ||
| They're all going crazy and they're flipping out and call them names and stuff. | ||
| And this guy was stone cold. | ||
| And he goes, that's not your bike. | ||
| And I go, what are you going to do about it? | ||
| And this is like five kids with tools, you know? | ||
| And he goes, I'm going to take it back. | ||
| And they were like, I don't think you are or whatever. | ||
| And I remember he put his hand on the middle bar of the bike just to kind of see what happened. | ||
| Looked him in the eye, yanked it. | ||
| And he said, that's what I thought. | ||
| Threw the bike over his shoulder, walked to the van, slid the door open, threw it in, closed the door, we drove home. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Unbelievable! | ||
| I mean, talk about a 13-year-old seeing like that's like, oh, that's what a man is. | ||
| That changed my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Unbelievable. | ||
| I never rode it again, mind you. | ||
| What if they beat him to death with wrenches? | ||
| And you're stuck in the van crying. | ||
| I would have learned to drive real quick. | ||
| Did he leave the keys? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I think he did, yeah. | ||
| I think it was running. | ||
| But I just, because you know when you're a kid and you see these bully types, you're just like, I could never beat him. | ||
| And then to see someone beat him was so, it was mind-boggling. | ||
| I loved him ever since then. | ||
| I mean, I loved him before, but... | ||
| You still in touch with him? | ||
| No, he died. | ||
| He got killed in a sexual encounter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| Like he was hooking up with a guy and the dong came out and the guy flipped and killed him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fff. | |
| Yeah, he was like a burlesque dancer by night, so he got into his... | ||
| You know, New Orleans is a wild devil of a lady. | ||
| But yeah, he was a good egg, and I needed him growing up because I had no parents around, you know? | ||
| My parents are weird. | ||
| I don't know if you noticed, but I can't make eye contact. | ||
| I've been doing it pretty good, but yeah, I don't know how to connect. | ||
| But that Enos stuff was great. | ||
| He was a cool dude. | ||
| You've always had that with your parents? | ||
| Did they do that with you as well? | ||
| They don't connect with you? | ||
| Yeah, they're like military, tough, you know. | ||
| You know, they provide it and all that. | ||
| But I think that's why I like comedy. | ||
| Because, you know, the audience laughs and you go, hey, hey, we're feeling this. | ||
| There's something happening here. | ||
| Yeah, right, right. | ||
| And I like the truth of comedy because you go, okay, I'm not crazy. | ||
| We're all agreeance. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because the laugh is kind of an agreeance in a weird way. | ||
| Yeah, everybody's like, right? | ||
| Yeah, exactly! | ||
| That's why the involuntariness of a laugh is interesting because you couldn't help it. | ||
| You fucked that word up so much, I forgot what the real words mean. | ||
| Involuntary? | ||
| Involuntary-ness of it. | ||
| Is that a word? | ||
| Involuntariness? | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| Involuntary-ability? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Involuntary? | ||
| Involuntary. | ||
| I think it would just be involuntary. | ||
| I guess the involuntary... | ||
| Response? | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| The involuntary response is so... | ||
| You can't help it that... | ||
| Is that a word? | ||
| Involuntariness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| That's public school, folks. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Involuntariness. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I don't think I've ever heard that before. | ||
| Have you ever heard it before? | ||
| It's with an I instead of a Y. Wow, look at it there. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| See, we're learning. | ||
| Love of language. | ||
| It doesn't even look right. | ||
| If someone sent me that in a text, I'd be like, you verbose piece of shit. | ||
| Verbose is not bad either there, fatty. | ||
| Who are you trying to... | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| Involuntaryness. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I know, that's... | ||
| Acting or done without one's will. | ||
| An involuntary participant in what turned out to be an argument. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Look at that, we're learning! | ||
| We are fucking learning here. | ||
| But yeah, you've been to New Orleans before, huh? | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| It's a weird city. | ||
| I did a gig there a couple years ago was the last time I was there, I think. | ||
| Maybe two years ago? | ||
| Not the best crowds, if I'm being honest. | ||
| Because comedy's not our thing. | ||
| We like strippers and booze and parties and, you know, brothels and all that. | ||
| But Mardi Gras, jazz. | ||
| Comedy's not ours. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| I enjoyed it. | ||
| I had a good time. | ||
| I was there once. | ||
| I did a House of Blues there. | ||
| And then after my show, there was a burlesque show. | ||
| And I stuck around to watch the burlesque show. | ||
| And I just didn't quite get it. | ||
| Yeah, burlesque sucks. | ||
| It seemed like... | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, just either strip or become a real dancer. | ||
| It was confusing. | ||
| You're taking something off, but it's not all the way, so the whole thing is a tease. | ||
| Well, it's also like, why are you dancing that way? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Is it sexy? | ||
| Is it not sexy? | ||
| Am I gay? | ||
| Yeah, it's also in my own head. | ||
| I'm like, why do I give a fuck? | ||
| People like it. | ||
| It's very indulgent. | ||
| It feels like this is all for you. | ||
| This should be an even thing here. | ||
| I should be entertained. | ||
| Right, but also some people must enjoy it. | ||
| They have burlesque shows, so why do I give a fuck if other people enjoy what I think is dumb? | ||
| No, I don't care if they enjoy it. | ||
| I just... | ||
| I do. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I get mad at them. | ||
| Well, they can do whatever the hell they got bad taste. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| I mean, I'm just upset at myself for wanting to know why. | ||
| Why people... | ||
| When there's certain things that people like that I don't like, I want to know why. | ||
| I guess I have that, too. | ||
| I'm like, what do you see in that comic? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Really? | ||
| Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That guy? | |
| Or that gal? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you have to follow someone that's terrible and the audience is laughing, you have disdain for them. | ||
| Completely. | ||
| Did you really laugh at that? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| That nonsense? | ||
| I know. | ||
| And movies, too. | ||
| But then we all have our guilty pleasure bullshit, too, don't we? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| We all have our thing we like, so you've got to be sympathetic. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| It's less time worrying about what other people like. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Live your life. | ||
| I think there's a lot of people just looking for problems. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude! | |
| They're not that big. | ||
| Have you seen the documentary They Shall Never Grow Old? | ||
| Do you want a fake beer? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| This is a Heineken Zero. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| It tastes like Heineken. | ||
| All right. | ||
| There's not any alcohol in it, but we're drinking alcohol. | ||
| You ever tried that White Claw, by the way? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Woo! | ||
| That stuff's exciting, huh? | ||
| That's exciting. | ||
| It's exciting when a new thing is invented. | ||
| Remember when Red Bull was new? | ||
| That was exciting. | ||
| Now Uber, and now White Claw. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love White Claw. | ||
| What exactly is in it? | ||
| I think a lot of people forgot about Zima ever existed. | ||
| I liked Zima. | ||
| You were the one. | ||
| I would drink Zima. | ||
| People would get mad at me. | ||
| They'd say it's not manly enough. | ||
| I'm like, I wear a fanny pack, too. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like Zima. | |
| It's just hard Stelzer water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tastes good. | |
| Yeah, and it's less filling. | ||
| Why is it supposed to be manly to drink something that tastes like shit? | ||
| Like, what is that? | ||
| Well, how did, like, wine coolers go for guys in the 90s? | ||
| Well, that's all sugar. | ||
| Yeah, but if you were a guy and you were into wine coolers, you cried a lot. | ||
| You were into James Taylor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You wanted to do picnics. | ||
| You would fucking, like, meticulously make a picnic. | ||
| There's fucking alcohol, though, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Barely. | ||
| Barely. | ||
| You're into wine coolers. | ||
| The girl's gonna leave you. | ||
| It's true, and that's the weird thing about it. | ||
| Oh, we should all have emotions, but yet there's a little tinge in your veg when I pop a wine cooler. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| It's drying up. | ||
| They want you to have a level of emotions. | ||
| Just to know you care. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's what makes us interesting, is we're different. | ||
| We like to go pretend like we're the same. | ||
| But if we're the same, how come men suck? | ||
| Yeah, when the shit hits the fan, you're going to want us around. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Wine's okay, though. | ||
| Wine's fine. | ||
| Wine's sophisticated. | ||
| Wine tastes like shit. | ||
| I hate wine. | ||
| I'm with you. | ||
| I mean, you can't drink wine the way you could drink, like, 7-Up. | ||
| You know, 7-Up, you could just throw back a glass of 7-Up. | ||
| You can't drink wine. | ||
| I mean, you could, for sure. | ||
| There's actually a couple. | ||
| You can get squirrely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Crazy Chardonnay. | ||
| Drink a bottle. | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| We're not saying that. | ||
| We're just saying it sucks. | ||
| Chardonnay's not wine. | ||
| That's girls' wine. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| But red wine. | ||
| Like, no one drinks a glass of red wine like a 7-Up. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, maybe like a wino. | ||
| Yeah, like an iced tea. | ||
| You drink an iced tea, you drink the iced tea. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You never drink wine like that. | ||
| It makes you thirstier. | ||
| You sip it. | ||
| You enjoy it. | ||
| I like it that way. | ||
| I enjoy wine. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| But it doesn't taste good in terms of like, it's a different kind of taste. | ||
| Like, I enjoy the taste. | ||
| Yeah, it makes my tongue thick. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I hate that. | ||
| It's like a brick of wood and you've got the purple lips, the red teeth. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| I feel you. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| But see this movie. | ||
| It's going to change it. | ||
| I saw it on the plane. | ||
| It was blowing my mind on the plane here. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| I know we're getting into, like, dude shit here, and I sound like an asshole, but... | ||
| Peter Jackson did it. | ||
| It's so well done. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| The footage they have of World War I is unbelievable. | ||
| And I'm not, like, a war buff or anything. | ||
| It's unbelievable what these people went through and how they joked through it and how they had smiles and how they had to shit themselves and they got gangrene and they couldn't clip their toenails but the camaraderie and the fact that they wanted to go to war. | ||
| You talk about having goals. | ||
| They're like, I got nothing going on. | ||
| The factory's closed. | ||
| I'm going to war. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| And they all died. | ||
| 80% of them died. | ||
| But the ones that came back, they're like, I saw my best friend next to me. | ||
| They all talked to the old people. | ||
| You never hear this shit. | ||
| It's amazing this footage they have. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| This is them practicing. | ||
| This is nothing. | ||
| But when they get into the shit, they show it. | ||
| They got footage of people's heads blowing off and just the fear in their eyes. | ||
| These are 19-year-old kids smoking cigarettes. | ||
| Their fingers are shaking. | ||
| And you're like, I can barely... | ||
| I'm nervous to make a phone call. | ||
| I don't want to check my voicemails. | ||
| Oh, look at their teeth. | ||
| They're British, first of all. | ||
| Their teeth are fucked. | ||
| Back that up, though. | ||
| Back that up. | ||
| Look at their fucking teeth. | ||
| Look at these guys. | ||
| Well, they don't have a toothpaste out there. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at their teeth. | ||
| These are kids that are living out in the land. | ||
| Look at their fucking teeth. | ||
| They got one uniform for four years. | ||
| One uniform. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| The boots were hell. | ||
| I mean, the cigarettes were currency. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Your rifle was your best friend. | ||
| I mean, it makes you realize how weak you are and how tough they were. | ||
| And look, that's from mustard gas. | ||
| Now they gotta walk the blind guys around. | ||
| Like, everything was a thing. | ||
| They had to dig trenches every day. | ||
| It was brutal! | ||
| Look at that! | ||
| Come on! | ||
| The rats! | ||
| My God, the rats! | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, crazy. | ||
| And then the stench of the dead horses, they said, was indescribable. | ||
| I mean, it's... | ||
| How long was the movie? | ||
| Eh, you know, it's an hour and change. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| This is their day off, and they said on their day off, they didn't know what to do. | ||
| They just was like, we just were shot at for four years and bombed at, and now we're sitting here, and they said it was just silence the whole day. | ||
| They didn't know what to talk about or what. | ||
| Like, that's them playing. | ||
| They're trying to make the most of it. | ||
| The guy said it was weird how much comedy came up, because you needed it. | ||
| You were so miserable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, dude, you gotta see it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| This should be required viewing. | ||
| That guy just shot his own helmet off on accident. | ||
| Now, they got a beer. | ||
| I mean, it's crazy. | ||
| The gas mask, I don't know who that kid is. | ||
| That's them burying. | ||
| I mean, it's unbelievable. | ||
| The footage! | ||
| I can't believe they pulled this footage together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I'm really talking it up. | ||
| And I'm not a war guy, but it's so well done. | ||
| It should be required viewing in every school. | ||
| Well, that's about as far back as we can go, right? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| With film? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| What was the earliest film? | ||
| It was like the late 1800s, right? | ||
| Was that the earliest film? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And as far as historical events like war, that's probably as far back as we can go. | ||
| There can't be a lot of sound they have then, right? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Not much. | ||
| Not much. | ||
| All narration. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| If you think about historical events that were documented, like how far back did they go before World War I? It's about... | ||
| Yeah, that's 1914, so probably nothing. | ||
| Maybe some reels, like that spinny Cinescope thing. | ||
| That's a window in time, you know? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They had nothing going on. | ||
| And the weird thing is they said when they came back, nobody gave a fuck. | ||
| They're like, I just saw this, and people are like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're doing this now. | ||
| And he's like, I just gave my life for you and this, and everybody's like, yeah, what are you going to do? | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| They had a different appreciation for life. | ||
| And, you know, the guys that do wind up going to war, one of the things that, you know who Sebastian Younger is? | ||
| He's a journalist who wrote books on war. | ||
| And he wrote a book called Tribe. | ||
| It's a really interesting book. | ||
| It talked a lot about this sort of thing that happens with these guys like Hurt Locker. | ||
| Remember the guy who wanted to go back? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The sense of camaraderie and of being alive and the excitement of life, it's like this heightened state. | ||
| So many of them describe wartime, this horrific time, as some of the most memorable moments of their life, the happiest moments of their life, the most attached to their brothers and their comrades. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It boils everything down to the basics of survival, and I think we've kind of lost that. | ||
| Now we have so much, you know, we've got Dine and Dash, or whatever the hell you said, Diner Dash, whatever. | ||
| You know, the McDonald's is coming right to you. | ||
| Yeah, like, you don't have to, the survival, we've cushioned it so much that we're sitting up here on eight blankets, eight mattresses, where it used to be just, you're on the floor. | ||
| Yeah, and I think the heightened experience of knowing that life is fleeting and seeing people die around you. | ||
| I mean, I had a friend of mine who was from Israel, and he was always laughing and dancing and playing bongo drums and shit like this. | ||
| And I said, why? | ||
| I go, is this like where you're from in Israel? | ||
| Is it like this? | ||
| He goes, yes, everybody, party, party. | ||
| I go, why? | ||
| He goes, because tomorrow you could be dead. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Tomorrow you could be dead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Everybody, party, party. | ||
| What did I say? | ||
| The more you have, the more you complain. | ||
| These guys are like, hey, we could die at any moment. | ||
| We get bombed. | ||
| Let's live, baby! | ||
| It gives people a feeling of all the systems are firing. | ||
| I think one of the things about people with sedentary lifestyles and no goals and no activity in their life is your body just starts to fall apart. | ||
| It doesn't want to live like that. | ||
| It just doesn't want it. | ||
| And then it starts feeling bad all the time. | ||
| It just feels shitty. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's like a dog almost, not to compare us to dogs, but if you don't give the dog, you know, the dog wants to hear what to do a little bit, you know? | ||
| You've got to give it a little bit of order or else it's just like biting his own tail. | ||
| They need activity. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| They have a lot of energy. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| We do too. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Oh yeah, but we're trying to take energy away. | ||
| Like everything is built, like the internet, you can just sit there all day. | ||
| It's not good for people. | ||
| You don't need to go outside. | ||
| Yeah, that's not good for people. | ||
| It's not good for people also to be in these weird virtual environments all day long where you're talking to people without actually talking to people. | ||
| Completely. | ||
| I mean, this is why the moped is so... | ||
| I'm on that thing. | ||
| I get the wind in my hair. | ||
| I get off the moped. | ||
| I'm on stage like, whew, I'm alive, baby. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I got that kiss of wind, and then I'm on stage talking to random strangers. | ||
| Then somebody hands you a wad of cash. | ||
| You jump back on the moped. | ||
| You go bang your girlfriend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Have a beer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Living, baby. | ||
| Living. | ||
| Queef. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I love it. | ||
| Yeah, those are real experiences. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why people still love comedy. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| You can't kill it. | ||
| It's a live, real experience. | ||
| We're the entertainment... | ||
| We're cockroaches of the entertainment world, you know? | ||
| You can't bomb us. | ||
| We'll keep coming back, because you need the truth, folks. | ||
| You need action movies, and you need comedy. | ||
| Those are two stalwarts. | ||
| Yeah, John Wick is going strong. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, it's the most murderous movie of all time. | ||
| In the time where everybody wants to get rid of guns, this guy kills everybody. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| It's the number one movie, and everybody loves him. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Everybody loves Keanu Reeves. | ||
| He seems like probably the nicest guy that's ever existed. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He seems like a cool dude, and he's got a motorcycle collection. | ||
| Yeah, he's a aficionado. | ||
| That's the only thing that bummed me out about John Wick 3 is there's no muscle cars. | ||
| How come you have no muscle cars? | ||
| Boy, I see. | ||
| That was part of the problem. | ||
| I see your fame and whatnot, and the cars are what really makes me... | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I don't need money or fame. | ||
| I don't care about any of that. | ||
| I don't even want to be famous. | ||
| I'd rather have an anonymous life. | ||
| There's coffee and the booze and the non-alcoholic. | ||
| I don't want to be that. | ||
| I was talking to Ari. | ||
| He's like, I want to go to a music fest, lay in the grass, and not have somebody go, can I get a photo? | ||
| And I said, yes, I'm with you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're huge. | ||
| You're famous, man. | ||
| That scares me. | ||
| But when you pulled up... | ||
| I didn't want to tell you this. | ||
| I was jizzing a little. | ||
| I was walking to the comedy store to do some bullshit in the belly room, work on my Uber bit, and you pulled up and that fucking Chevy Corvette, the silver one, the Stingray, that thing... | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| I jizzed and my twat leaked. | ||
| It was so hot! | ||
| And then you pulled in, you parked it, and I was like, now that's what I want! | ||
| I want to have a cool car! | ||
| That's why I bought the moped, too. | ||
| It kind of satiated that car thing. | ||
| But I want a 69 Porsche 911 Irish Green Tan Interior! | ||
| Ah! | ||
| 69? | ||
| You want the long hood? | ||
| Yeah, I like the old stuff. | ||
| It looks better to me. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hashtag. | ||
| Yeah, they'll take those and they'll put really good motors in them now, too. | ||
| That's the Singer shit. | ||
| Yeah, the Singer shit, but there's also a bunch of companies that do it in a way where you can drive it everywhere. | ||
| The problem with the Singer is you're dealing with a half a million dollar car. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's the coolest looking car to me. | ||
| I love that fucking car. | ||
| It's cute, but also got balls and also sexy. | ||
| It's got everything to me. | ||
| There's a bunch of guys who take those cars and they hot rod them out. | ||
| Yeah, I don't need all that. | ||
| Like a 993 engine and they put it in there so it has more power. | ||
| Yeah, I just want it to be a driver. | ||
| You know, I want to go back and forth daily with it. | ||
| Can they do that? | ||
| Oh, for sure, yeah. | ||
| It'll absolutely probably be more reliable than these old engines. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I would imagine. | ||
| Yeah, even if it was like a... | ||
| You're dealing with 150,000, 200,000 miles. | ||
| I mean, who knows how many miles it is. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| But I grew up, when I was a kid, I bought a 71 Cutlass Convertible Supreme, and it was the coolest car ever, but it would break down, you know, once a month. | ||
| And I'd be at a bar like, shit! | ||
| And it was so embarrassing, I'd have to, like, push it around the block so I could start it and try to, like, play with it. | ||
| Because you didn't want to start outside the bar, your friends would laugh at you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I would have to, like, tinker with it, and it was fucking brutal. | ||
| And I always thought, if I ever got rich, I'm going to buy a nice car and just put a good engine in it. | ||
| Because these things, they're so fickle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's like, that's your dream car? | ||
| Is it a 69 Porsche? | ||
| Well, right now, because I'm not very financially stable, so that's probably my ceiling. | ||
| But I could probably go crazier. | ||
| That would be a good one to drive around in Manhattan, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's small. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Marketplaces. | ||
| Oh, God, my dream. | ||
| Do you know how to drive one of those fuckers? | ||
| Could you teach me stick? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You don't know how to drive a stick? | ||
| I drove stick like... | ||
| You don't want to learn on a Porsche. | ||
| Well, obviously. | ||
| Maybe I'll get a rental. | ||
| You want to get a rental car. | ||
| Yeah, just tear that thing up. | ||
| You can still get rental cars with a stick shift. | ||
| It's not hard to learn. | ||
| You can learn in five minutes. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I did it once or twice. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| No, listen. | ||
| I can teach you in ten. | ||
| Guaranteed. | ||
| Let's film that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That could be a fun video. | ||
| You don't want to do one that's hard. | ||
| But, you know, a Porsche, especially an old one, it's also their hinge on the floor. | ||
| It's a different setup. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, the ones that most of them are coming, like the way Porsches are, it's like on a hinge. | ||
| It feels different. | ||
| All the things are connected at the bottom instead of connected and dropping down. | ||
| Like on a modern car, everything drops down and you push it. | ||
| You have to learn that that feels a little bit different. | ||
| And then, you know, those cars are tricky. | ||
| Are they? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You have to learn how to drive them. | ||
| There's something called lift throttle oversteer. | ||
| So if you're taking a turn with an old 911, and on the turn you let off the gas, your ass hand will kick out. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, it's called lift throttle oversteer. | ||
| And it's because they're a rear-engine car. | ||
| They're not a mid-engine car. | ||
| They're a rear-engine car. | ||
| The engine is actually behind the tires. | ||
| So there's something that happens as you're going around a corner when you let off the gas. | ||
| It just wants to spin. | ||
| And they didn't have much grip either. | ||
| The problem with those ones versus the Hot Rod ones is they had little skinny-ass fucking tires. | ||
| Because that's all anybody had back then. | ||
| Those tires suck dick. | ||
| They're not good. | ||
| You want fat, grippy... | ||
| You want a Toyo or a Michelin or a fucking killer R-compound tire. | ||
| So you can drive around corners and get some real fucking traction. | ||
| You have to learn how to drive that thing. | ||
| It's not a regular car. | ||
| I thought they were the best drivers. | ||
| The new ones, sure, if you've got a new one. | ||
| Yeah, they drive amazing. | ||
| And those things are interesting. | ||
| What they are is really mechanical. | ||
| I have an old one out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I didn't see it. | ||
| A 93 RS America. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| It's really light. | ||
| It's got a roll cage in it. | ||
| No air conditioning, no radio, no nothing. | ||
| It's all just engine and fun. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| But that car is tricky. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no traction control. | ||
| The first time I drove around the corner, I said, let me see what it's like when I let off the gas in mid-corner. | ||
| It's like, yo! | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So do you kind of hate driving it? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I had it tightened up. | ||
| A company called Shark Works did a bunch of things to it and tightened up the suspension. | ||
| We changed the tire. | ||
| It's got a grippier, fatter tire. | ||
| The thing about those cars is so thrilling, especially a car that doesn't have automatic power steering and it has a manual transmission. | ||
| You feel every fucking bump of the road. | ||
| You're attached to that. | ||
| There's no numbness in the steering. | ||
| It's alive. | ||
| And it's the rear engine, so the front end is kind of light. | ||
| So you can move it around pretty good, even though it doesn't have power steering. | ||
| And then you hear the gears, and it's all air-cooled, so it's like... | ||
| Like you hear gears and shit. | ||
| It's a crazy sounding engine. | ||
| Anyone else hard? | ||
| They make me hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the most viscerally thrilling car to drive. | ||
| It's not nearly as fast as my Tesla. | ||
| The Tesla buries all of them. | ||
| I know, but the Tesla has no soul, it feels like to me. | ||
| It feels so electric. | ||
| And I got nothing against electric, but it doesn't feel like a machine. | ||
| It's like a vacuum cleaner or something. | ||
| Have you driven one? | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| Yeah, that's the thing. | ||
| I've never been in one. | ||
| We got one. | ||
| I'll let you drive mine. | ||
| What? | ||
| Come on! | ||
| When you drive it, it makes you feel like, oh, okay. | ||
| Other cars are just stupid. | ||
| Other cars are a stupid idea. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Because there's no gears, right? | ||
| It doesn't go for a second, third, fourth. | ||
| It doesn't do that. | ||
| It just goes... | ||
| It does that faster than anything you've ever been in your life. | ||
| It does it like rollercoaster fast. | ||
| This is how fast it is. | ||
| They just did a Nürburgring time. | ||
| The Nürburgring is this famous track in Germany. | ||
| This is a very, very famous track where times of cars speeding around the Nürburgring has always been like the benchmark. | ||
| Okay, like the mile, the four-minute mile. | ||
| It's a big deal. | ||
| I have a GT3 RS, which is really essentially a race car for the street. | ||
| And that supposedly goes around the Nürburgring, I think somewhere in the neighborhood of 7 minutes and 40-something seconds. | ||
| This new Tesla just did it 7 minutes and 20 seconds. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| So that's 20 plus seconds faster than a Porsche race car. | ||
| That's insane, because it doesn't have to shift. | ||
| It doesn't have to shift, and it has this crazy power. | ||
| The power and the acceleration is not like anything I've ever experienced in my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I've had all kinds of muscle cars. | ||
| I've had all kinds of different things. | ||
| I've had big cars and small cars. | ||
| That thing's a totally different animal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a totally different animal. | ||
| This is all news to me. | ||
| I thought Tesla went bankrupt. | ||
| It's fucking nuts. | ||
| We're doing these shows tonight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll bring it, and then afterwards we'll drive it. | ||
| Hey, don't bend over backwards for me. | ||
| It's going to freak you out. | ||
| No, you need experience. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| I feel like a salesman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Apparently it's capable of doing that 720. Uh-oh. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| No, it did it. | ||
| No. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| It says it's possible. | ||
| It broke down. | ||
| No, it did a 724. I'm looking at it right now. | ||
| It broke down. | ||
| It broke down when? | ||
| During the race. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's not a race, Jim. | ||
| Or during the time trial. | ||
| Well, they definitely completed one. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| Porsche passed them? | ||
| Are they racing? | ||
| Watch a video of a Porsche passing the broke down Tesla on the Nürburgring. | ||
| But is that today's Tesla? | ||
| 21 hours ago. | ||
| This is worse for Elon than the weed smoking. | ||
| No, it makes sense. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| If you're going around a track on a car that's all batteries and it heats up, they had real concerns about that. | ||
| This is their tweet. | ||
| It says, it can't achieve it. | ||
| It didn't say they did achieve it. | ||
| Well, how do we know if it can if it didn't? | ||
| Data from our track tech indicates, but I thought they had a second one. | ||
| With some improvements, 705 may be possible, but they definitely did 723 or something like that, which is still insanely impressive. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So, pull up It's Nurburgring Laps 723. But no, there's more than one test. | ||
| This was the second. | ||
| They started doing it a couple of days ago. | ||
| What they're trying to do is beat Porsche's electric car. | ||
| Porsche has this badass new electric car that they just came out. | ||
| The Taycan wanted it. | ||
| One Tesla completed that lap at a very unofficial time of 723. Unofficial? | ||
| How does it say very unofficial? | ||
| That's what it says. | ||
| Very unofficial. | ||
| How does that mean? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| So it probably left it to Tesla to measure it, maybe? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's probably what it means. | ||
| Not a judge. | ||
| Do you know anything about Nurburgring? | ||
| Just from playing video games, it's one of the best. | ||
| In the video games, it's a dope track. | ||
| In the video game, do they have an official that gives you the ready, set, go? | ||
| Yeah, it'd be like Gran Turismo or something like that. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| You would have to have an official. | ||
| You couldn't trust... | ||
| Look, companies lie about how much their gas guzzlers their cars are. | ||
| Didn't that happen with Volkswagen? | ||
| They lied about their gas mileage. | ||
| They got in trouble for that. | ||
| Was it emissions or gas mileage? | ||
| I think it was emissions. | ||
| Yes, right? | ||
| So companies will definitely lie about their acceleration. | ||
| Informally timed. | ||
| Informally timed on the circuit at 7.23. | ||
| Stopwatch was timed but made by a correspondent of the German publication Automotor and Sport. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So they at least had a journalist that was doing it. | ||
| The Tesla did have the advantage of using race compound tires. | ||
| That doesn't account for the almost 22nd advantage over the Porsche Taycan. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Publicized lap time, 742. Yeah. | ||
| They're a burger. | ||
| I've gotten around the Nuva ring. | ||
| Either way, even the Porsche one, that 742, that is fucking insanely fast for a four-door car. | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| It's insanely fast. | ||
| So they're all insanely fast. | ||
| And if you could find the difference between the Tesla and the Porsche in daily driving, I think you're an asshole, because you're probably driving way too fucking fast. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, if you could tell the difference between 723, which is insane, and 747... | ||
| Right. | ||
| That sucks that it broke down, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well... | |
| But I think those things overheat. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| But I think you're not supposed to drive them like that. | ||
| I think you're supposed to drive them like you would drive a regular car. | ||
| Still pretty cool that it did it. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty incredible. | ||
| And this is like... | ||
| The reality of electric cars is that we're basically in a fetal stage. | ||
| We're in a grammar school stage. | ||
| There's going to be a college athlete and an Olympic stage. | ||
| We've got a ways to go. | ||
| They're really just getting going with this shit. | ||
| And if they made some breakthroughs with batteries, like the amount of juice you can get out of a battery, if they did that and had them thousands of miles of range instead of... | ||
| The really good one today, I think, is like 315, I think, is the most you can get. | ||
| 315 miles. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| But that's if you don't drive like a dick. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Well, let me... | ||
| Oops, sorry, GMO. I just recently heard, through something I was looking up, someone else mentioned on the podcast the other day, something about solid-state batteries being worked on right now. | ||
| Have you ever heard anything about that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Because it sounds like it would be useful for this. | ||
| I don't even understand. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's like how solid-state hard drives are completely different from... | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Moving hard drive. | ||
| It's just maybe the same kind of thing. | ||
| That's where I really didn't understand. | ||
| I was looking it up, and I felt like I fell in the simulation because the guy's name is Good Enough. | ||
| He's a scientist. | ||
| His last name is literally Good Enough. | ||
| He's 97 years old, and he's done a bunch of... | ||
| I mean, think about how much you need batteries, and how little do you know about batteries? | ||
| I don't know jack shit about batteries. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Who does? | ||
| I had a new iPhone, got a good battery. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's going to give me more time before I have to plug in. | |
| Let me throw this one at you, Sloppy Joe. | ||
| They say you should never buy your dream car because then you've got nowhere to go from there. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Those people are assholes. | ||
| I mean, there could be something to it. | ||
| That's like a Dalai Lama bullshit. | ||
| Nonsense. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Nonsense. | ||
| You want to have something to strive for. | ||
| You've got nothing to strive. | ||
| No, you just enjoy it. | ||
| You don't have to do that. | ||
| I strive to write better jokes. | ||
| I strive to do better sets. | ||
| But that's not, that's never ending. | ||
| That's the beauty of it. | ||
| It's never going to end. | ||
| Yeah, the car thing is just, cars are just cool. | ||
| They don't stop being cool. | ||
| Dude, I parked that Corvette and I get out and look at it and go, fuck, look at this thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's what I do. | ||
| Dude, when you pulled up, the light was, the Sunset Boulevard lights were glimmering off it. | ||
| It was pretty juicy. | ||
| The 1965 Corvette, like that shape. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| They just nailed it. | ||
| But that's, again, that's no committee. | ||
| That's just some guy designing. | ||
| I feel like everything now is so cornered and curved and boring. | ||
| Well, they have to be aerodynamic now. | ||
| And also, we rely on them to get these good lap times. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Like, I don't even think they released the Corvette's lap time on the Nurburgring. | ||
| I don't think they released an official lap time for the Z... Z51 or the Z06. Or even the ZR1. I don't think the big league Corvette... | ||
| I don't think they ever released a lap time. | ||
| That's a big track. | ||
| Like, if you want to compete with Porsche or... | ||
| You know, there's other major sports car brands. | ||
| A company has to release a lap time at the Nurburgring. | ||
| Or at least some. | ||
| Laguna Seca. | ||
| You have to have, you know, there's the freeway. | ||
| There's one in Atlanta that's really good, too. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Road America. | ||
| Video of them doing it, but they didn't release the time, I guess. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, then it must not have been good. | ||
| I mean, it's real simple. | ||
| The speed is cool, but this car looks silly to me. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| Yeah, this is like a... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's silly. | ||
| It looks like a joke to me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, to me, this is too much. | ||
| This is retarded. | ||
| What does it look like? | ||
| Have you seen it? | ||
| Pull up a black one. | ||
| There's no style. | ||
| You don't think that looks good? | ||
| I mean, it's style. | ||
| This is like gaudy and over the top. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| To me, this is not sexy. | ||
| I like subtle. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Okay, so you like old, classic muscle cars. | ||
| Yes, there's some art to it. | ||
| John Wick. | ||
| When John Wick was driving that 1970 Chevelle, you're like, fuck. | ||
| Love that, love that, love that. | ||
| That 70 Chevelle, white with the black stripes. | ||
| Goddamn, that's a car. | ||
| That's a car. | ||
| That's a fun time. | ||
| When I bought that car as a teen, a 71 Cutlass, it looked so good, but then the reality hits you, like, this thing's fucked up, the alternator sucks, and then the starter breaks, and then the rust and all that, like... | ||
| I didn't think about all that as a kid. | ||
| There he is, right there. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Look at that fucking car. | ||
| See, if you have the money, you can just keep that car up. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's the classic one, too. | ||
| The black with white stripes. | ||
| When I was a kid, one of the buddies in my neighborhood, his friend had a black with white stripes Chevelle, and he gave me a ride somewhere. | ||
| I remember thinking about being in this guy's car, like, how could anybody... | ||
| Own this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How do you sleep? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Knowing that you have a 1970 Chevelle in your garage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| How do you sleep? | ||
| I would just get up in the middle of the night and touch it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Just get up in the middle of the night. | ||
| That car right there with the fucking, the black with the white stripes that he, when he slammed into that motorcycle rider, he was hauling ass all around the town. | ||
| That's an incredible car. | ||
| I remember having a car when you were a kid. | ||
| Look at that, Citibank. | ||
| That ruins that whole fucking shot right there. | ||
| I didn't even notice it. | ||
| Yeah, I'm an animal. | ||
| But the thing about when you have a car as a kid, it was such a big deal that you cleaned it. | ||
| Remember, you liked cleaning it. | ||
| It was like fun. | ||
| You got in there and you changed the oil and you fucked with the tires and you rotated them. | ||
| You loved it. | ||
| It was like a thing. | ||
| You loved it. | ||
| You know what fucked me up, though? | ||
| I bought an Audi Fox. | ||
| I had a neighbor that had a 1972 or something like that. | ||
| Audi Fox. | ||
| It was pretty cheap. | ||
| I don't know Audi Fox. | ||
| It was a weird little tiny car that was manual transmission. | ||
| Yeah, that was exactly what it looked like. | ||
| Oh, look how cute! | ||
| I had a tan one. | ||
| I had one that was basically... | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
| Looks like Brad Williams. | ||
| Right to the left of that picture, right below that one, yeah, that color. | ||
| That was basically the color that I had. | ||
| The brown? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pretty much. | |
| It was like a tan. | ||
| It wasn't that gross looking. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's like a tan Audi Fox. | ||
| Four-door? | ||
| I think it was a two-door. | ||
| Did they make a two-door? | ||
| Yeah, it was a two-door. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's it right there. | ||
| That's kind of cool. | ||
| That's kind of got a style to it. | ||
| It's got subtle lines on it. | ||
| But what I learned is that little cars handle so much better. | ||
| I drove that little car around. | ||
| I was like, oh, these other cars that I'm driving, these muscle cars, are pigs. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| You could really jerk that thing around some turns. | ||
| Well, it was a front-wheel drive car, too, if I remember correctly. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it was front-engine. | ||
| Front-engine, front-wheel drive, and it pulled around. | ||
| It's like pulling the car instead of pushing the car. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And I was like, oh, this is a smarter way to do it. | ||
| You know, it's a version of the car similar to that that I love. | ||
| It'd be my number two is the BMW 2002. Oh, yes! | ||
| Like a 71ii. | ||
| Oh, that car is sexy. | ||
| That's a sexy car. | ||
| Well, you know... | ||
| There it is. | ||
| TII. Have you seen that Bronco that I have? | ||
| That Icon Bronco? | ||
| That is so slick. | ||
| The Bronco. | ||
| Like the OJ? No, no, no. | ||
| It's an old Bronco. | ||
| The point is, put that picture back up. | ||
| This company Icon is going to take one of those and they're going to put a 2018 or 2019 chassis and engine from the 2 Series BMW. That's heaven. | ||
| So that That little tiny little car will have probably a 350 horsepower engine and a modern suspension and modern brakes and modern transmission. | ||
| He's in the process of building the first version of that right now. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He's a wizard. | ||
| He does really cool shit with cars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they're going to take it. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Good looking. | ||
| There's a guy from Bavarian Workshop, Mark from Bavarian Workshop, put together a car that's similar to that. | ||
| He put an M3 engine in an older 2002, and I actually saw it the other day. | ||
| It was parked in front of his shop. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| It was on Jay Leno's garage. | ||
| That's exactly it. | ||
| That car is radical. | ||
| That is a lunch car. | ||
| Back up a little bit? | ||
| Back up a little bit? | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| There's Mark right there. | ||
| That's Mark Norris. | ||
| Ah, similar name. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He made this dope car. | ||
| Were you nervous about beating Big J? No. | ||
| Leno? | ||
| I've met him before. | ||
| He's really nice. | ||
| He's always been nice. | ||
| I know, but he's like a comedy, Massachusetts comedy god. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, The Tonight Show, and then now this car god. | ||
| So he's like two loves. | ||
| He does have that. | ||
| But man, he is so much more comfortable and happy talking about cars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When he was on The Tonight Show, he's basically like, you know, hey, here's this guy. | ||
| You ever hear the Hicks bit? | ||
| Yeah, of course, of course. | ||
| With Joey Lawrence. | ||
| Hey, you got a girlfriend? | ||
| Well, sort of. | ||
| She doesn't know. | ||
| He pulls out a gun and blows his brains out. | ||
| His brains form an NBC peacock. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because he's a company man to the bitter end. | ||
| And he's got an ooze in his mouth and he keeps changing clips. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The older guys like Leno and Seinfeld, they're so much more zen now. | ||
| They don't have to Instagram and all that shit. | ||
| They don't care. | ||
| They don't podcast. | ||
| They don't do any of this shit. | ||
| They don't do stories and tweets. | ||
| And they seem like... | ||
| I've hung out with Seinfeld. | ||
| I don't want to say we're buddies, but I've hung out with them a few times because of comedy. | ||
| And... | ||
| He's like wise and he does TM, you know, and he doesn't drink and he's like centered and he's got a family and he loves comedy and he's got his money and it's just he's a good guy to look up to as a comedian and like a business person. | ||
| Where you want to be and as a man, where you want to be in life and how you want to be and what you want to be like. | ||
| Have you heard about how I met him? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| I mean, he was my guy. | ||
| I was doing him when I started, and it was embarrassing. | ||
| Did you do a guy in the beginning? | ||
| Yeah, I did Jenny. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I caught myself on stage once going, oh. | ||
| Yes, dude. | ||
| Sounds exactly like him. | ||
| I did an open mic in New York. | ||
| In New York, they were ruthless. | ||
| I was walking to the mic, and some kid in the back went, And it fucking crushed me! | ||
| Because he was mocking me, leveled me, because he was right! | ||
| And ever since that day, I chewed him out on the mic, but I also changed my ways, because it hit me right to the core. | ||
| And so, you know, whatever. | ||
| I'm doing four sets in a night, and I run over to Gotham, and they go, hey, slow down, buddy. | ||
| And you know when you've got four sets, you've got to make those times, or else it's like dominoes, you lose them all. | ||
| And they go, hey, slow down, Seinfeld's on. | ||
| I go, ah, damn, I mean... | ||
| That's how jaded we are as comics. | ||
| The biggest comic on the planet is on, and I'm like, ah, fuck. | ||
| I could sit down and watch him, but I'm like, I gotta make my shows! | ||
| So they go, don't worry, I think he's going short. | ||
| So he gets off, and they go, you gotta follow him. | ||
| And I go, fuck, that's bathroom break for most people, you know? | ||
| Seinfeld's done, we're not gonna watch the next douche. | ||
| So he's walking past me offstage, I'm walking on, and I go, you still got it. | ||
| And he goes, hey! | ||
| I like your stuff! | ||
| And he just said that in passing, and I was like, oh my god! | ||
| I figured he wouldn't even acknowledge me. | ||
| And I'm freaking out. | ||
| So now I go, and it's for Merrill Lynch or something. | ||
| It was like a corporate kind of thing. | ||
| So you had to be clean. | ||
| So I go up, and I'm beaming from this Seinfeld compliment that I just... | ||
| Fucking level the room. | ||
| It's coming out of me. | ||
| It's oozing out of my eyeballs. | ||
| And I killed! | ||
| And turns out he was watching! | ||
| So not only did I have to go after him, but I had to be clean, thank God. | ||
| I have like eight minutes on school shootings, pedophilia, and midgets. | ||
| So I had to be clean, and it went well. | ||
| And I got off, and so I was like, oh, that was fun. | ||
| Let's go to the next set. | ||
| And he goes, hey, he came out of the shadows. | ||
| He goes, let's go hang out. | ||
| So I go, oh my God! | ||
| And it was like a hot lady. | ||
| You know, when you have a good set, you got a little juice with her. | ||
| I would never have anything to do with this lady without comedy. | ||
| And we go in the green room. | ||
| We talk for an hour and a half. | ||
| I'm shitting myself for the first ten minutes. | ||
| He's my hero. | ||
| I grew up watching him with my family. | ||
| Must see TV! NBC! Thursday nights! | ||
| And the first ten minutes, I'm shitting. | ||
| Because you know this guy's face. | ||
| You know his voice and everything so well. | ||
| I know everything he's done. | ||
| I've read his biographies and shit. | ||
| And then after 10 minutes, he's just a comic. | ||
| He's just a Long Island car guy, baseball guy, comedy guy. | ||
| And it was just super cool. | ||
| And we talked. | ||
| And he goes, take my number. | ||
| And I go, I'll never call you. | ||
| He goes, use it. | ||
| Use it. | ||
| And that was it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Texted a little. | ||
| And then as I was leaving, he did a bit that was new. | ||
| And I go, hey, I got a tag for you on that cemetery bit. | ||
| And he goes, whatever, take it easy. | ||
| Next day, what do you got on the cemetery bit? | ||
| Now we're texting. | ||
| And I had nothing. | ||
| So now I had to go write a bit. | ||
| You know, I had to write a bit in the time. | ||
| You didn't really have anything? | ||
| I had nothing. | ||
| I was fucking with him. | ||
| So now I'm writing a cemetery bit. | ||
| I'm like, ah, I'm googling cemeteries and shit. | ||
| I don't know anything about cemeteries. | ||
| So I came up with some headstone pun bullshit and I sent it to him and I could tell he was like, ah, that sucks. | ||
| Blow me. | ||
| And then I happened to say, I tried to save it. | ||
| I wanted to keep it going. | ||
| It's like talking to a supermodel. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And I was like, but you don't want to step on Carlin's cemetery bit. | ||
| And he goes, wait, what's that? | ||
| So I sent him that clip. | ||
| And now we're going back and forth about Carlin. | ||
| And I go, I think he's better than Pryor. | ||
| And he goes, what, are you crazy? | ||
| So now we're going on a Carlin Pryor fight. | ||
| And we just fucking had it. | ||
| Two hours of texting. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Why didn't you just call each other? | ||
| You could have got that conversation done in 20 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Waiting for a fucking text message while you're also watching TV. I know he's 65, too. | ||
| He took forever to get the words out. | ||
| Probably has to use his glasses. | ||
| Yeah, but I didn't want it to end. | ||
| I was happy it was long. | ||
| So, yeah, so now... | ||
| You're besties. | ||
| I wouldn't say that, but I mean... | ||
| Pretty close. | ||
| I wouldn't even say pretty close. | ||
| I'm closer to you than I am to him. | ||
| It's one of the weird ones. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want to bother. | ||
| Yep, I get it. | ||
| And then you don't want to come on too strong where he's like, this guy's up my ass because I'm famous. | ||
| How many people must be bothering that guy all day long? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| So I'm trying to keep it... | ||
| Like, Colin Quinn and him are buddies. | ||
| Me and Colin, I love. | ||
| By the way, very underrated. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Super underrated. | ||
| Never talked about Colin Quinn. | ||
| Genius comedy. | ||
| But they're tight. | ||
| But you did Tough Crowd. | ||
| We were on those days. | ||
| That's my whole comedy world is Tough Crowd. | ||
| That's like my influence. | ||
| Were you ever on it? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That was 2004. I started in 2006. I came around... | ||
| I mean, I was on, like, maybe second season or something like that. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| And Colin, I hadn't seen him in forever. | ||
| And he was warming up the crowd. | ||
| So he's doing stand-up to warm up the crowd. | ||
| I mean, and fucking murdering. | ||
| And I was thinking, he's, like, right now doing something that's way better than the show itself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, interesting. | |
| Like, this is so weird. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because his stand-up, it was very tight. | ||
| And they were huge Colin Quinn fans and tough crowd fans, so they were laughing hard. | ||
| But what that show was was the first show where comics could ball bust. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like we do in the back bar at the store or like we do when we're in the green room. | ||
| We talk shit about each other. | ||
| We fuck around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We have fun. | ||
| And we make fun of each other and we laugh. | ||
| And it's real. | ||
| It wasn't fake. | ||
| They try to reenact the ball busting and it's always embarrassing. | ||
| If someone says something and they're like, Mark, we didn't get coverage on that. | ||
| Can you repeat that? | ||
| Can you call his mom a skank again? | ||
| We didn't get it. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| I'm not faking that. | ||
| I remember DiPaolo had some lines. | ||
| He said Ralphie was sitting on a big red beanbag chair and DiPaolo said, you look like you jumped out of a plane and landed on a coke machine. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He called Patrice Star Jones. | ||
| One time he bombed and he took a sip and Patrice goes, yeah, take another sip of timing. | ||
| I mean, there were just so many zings and these guys were the king of zing and they knew each other and it was genius. | ||
| No, and it was a show that I don't even think you could do today. | ||
| No, it was too real. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Too real. | ||
| Well, it was very much like stand-ups actually talking shit to each other. | ||
| Well, kind of the way they used to. | ||
| Yeah, the way they used to. | ||
| Now you gotta be like, well, this guy's, you know, bi, so go easy on him or whatever. | ||
| Is this New York? | ||
| Is it New York you're experiencing this? | ||
| Yeah, all New York. | ||
| I'm a New York guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you don't get that out here. | ||
| Oh, that's right! | ||
| How do you live like that? | ||
| I did a show at the store and I was like, there's a lot of guys on the show. | ||
| We're going to get in trouble. | ||
| And Santino was like, shut up. | ||
| This is LA. I was like, Jesus. | ||
| LA is a full-on meritocracy. | ||
| There's a lot of funny women, but they have to actually be funny. | ||
| You don't get on a show just because you're a chick. | ||
| But it's weird that that's even controversial. | ||
| Of course there's funny women, there's funny minorities, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| It's funny everybody. | ||
| It's more offensive to put you on because you have a... | ||
| Gash. | ||
| Well, that's why, like I was saying about this girl that was telling me that she wants to have a certain look for her writer's room. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| The look should be hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Find the funniest fucking people that are willing to work for you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Don't worry about, I want black, gay women, I want this, I want that. | ||
| Listen, don't do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a trap, because you're not going to get the best show that way. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| The best show is find the best comics. | ||
| If they happen to be all women... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Go nuts. | ||
| You got it. | ||
| I get diversity. | ||
| I don't know all the shit black people know or Asian people know, so get them in here, but just get the funny ones. | ||
| Yeah, the real problem is actual racism. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| The real problem is not... | ||
| And guilt. | ||
| Guilt is a problem. | ||
| That's definitely a problem with some folks. | ||
| But the actual racism is the real problem. | ||
| Not, like, ensuring that there's diversity to the point where you're seeking it out and eliminating the better candidates that just happen to be a white woman or a white man. | ||
| You know, you want this instead. | ||
| Very strange. | ||
| But it's not wise, okay? | ||
| Because your product is going to suffer. | ||
| Because if someone's got a skill, like, the real problem is someone... | ||
| I mean and it rarely happens I would imagine where someone decides that the far better person like It depends on the job for sure. | ||
| But if you're in a situation... | ||
| Sports, it's one of the reasons why sports is so awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In the Jack Johnson days, they did try to do that. | ||
| They did try to keep Jack Johnson from fighting for the title because of racism. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Because they didn't want a black man to run because they knew he was the best. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| So they were trying to keep him from being the best. | ||
| But in most areas of life, I feel like if you're really good, you get ahead. | ||
| And if you don't, that's the problem. | ||
| The problem is racism. | ||
| The problem is someone trying to stop you from getting ahead just because you are whatever you are. | ||
| Or sexism. | ||
| Or white, or sexism. | ||
| That's the real problem. | ||
| The response to that is not forced diversity. | ||
| The response to that is like, racism is awful, and we should all agree. | ||
| But it's not that you should force diversity. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| I think it's strange. | ||
| You make a mistake. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're making a mistake. | ||
| Yeah, and it's weird and kind of wrong and kind of gross. | ||
| Especially with comedy. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| But it's just... | ||
| And I get the whole, we gotta try to... | ||
| We went so far the wrong way, then now we're trying to... | ||
| We go too far the other way. | ||
| But it's weird that people can't see that. | ||
| And then they call you racist, and you're like... | ||
| It's always people without black friends who call you racist, ironically. | ||
| You don't even know any black people. | ||
| And why are you using that word so liberally? | ||
| Weird word to say that. | ||
| But you know, why are you using that word so... | ||
| That's an important word. | ||
| And you can't just... | ||
| In a world where we can't fat shame and slut shame, you can call racism and sexism so quick. | ||
| Racism is the worst thing in America. | ||
| Me, a bigot is the worst thing. | ||
| Maybe pedophilia. | ||
| But like... | ||
| It's weird that you use that so quick you don't even know the person. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It's an easy weapon to use. | ||
| It's an easy weapon. | ||
| If you're playing Dungeons and Dragons and you've got a battle axe to throw, you let it fly. | ||
| I agree, but this ain't D&D, baby. | ||
| This is life, and people's careers will get ruined because you want to win an argument? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ah, it makes me sick, and I hate... | ||
| Now I'm going off on a tear. | ||
| No, you're correct. | ||
| But I hate these new... | ||
| It's all whitey, by the way. | ||
| I hate these people who get real evolved all of a sudden, and then they've got to tell us about their evolvement. | ||
| It's like, yeah, we knew that shit already. | ||
| But we're not going on social media and having a big parade about how evolved you are. | ||
| I already knew these people were marginalized in that. | ||
| But just because you found out, now we've got to hear your side? | ||
| That's privilege. | ||
| That's the ultimate privilege. | ||
| Like these documentaries about, I have privilege... | ||
| You're getting paid a million bucks to do the documentary, you whore! | ||
| What are you, crazy? | ||
| It's insane! | ||
| Like, you think black people are enjoying this? | ||
| They're going, oh, this is fucking embarrassing, and how come I don't get a show? | ||
| You have the privilege, again, still! | ||
| It's so entitled and narcissistic, they can't even see outside their own cunt! | ||
| Gah! | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Thank you, Mark Norman. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Ah, well, that'll get me canceled. | ||
| I'm gonna bang the gavel. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Mr. Speaker, you have four minutes to respond. | ||
| I want good. | ||
| I want it all worked out. | ||
| I want everybody to get a job and I'm all about the funny. | ||
| But you also don't want anybody to suffer sexism and don't want anybody to suffer racism. | ||
| But you want the best people to be chosen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| And I think those things aren't mutually exclusive. | ||
| I think it's possible. | ||
| I pitched a show about having these stand-ups and do this, and people were like, we love it. | ||
| Here's a list of people we think you should put on. | ||
| And I read the list, and I was like, these are all hack retards. | ||
| This sucks. | ||
| These people are all unfunny, and I know all of them. | ||
| And you start going, why would they want to use these people? | ||
| They're talentless. | ||
| I've watched them. | ||
| I do shows with them. | ||
| The industry sucks! | ||
| The industry is a bunch of finance cunts. | ||
| They're all just wearing a suit. | ||
| You know, whatever. | ||
| But they're all wearing a suit, and then they're in the room, and they don't know anything about comedy. | ||
| I know about comedy. | ||
| I'm in the trenches. | ||
| I'm in the clubs. | ||
| But they don't know anything about comedy, but they're all in a suit in a warehouse or a nice building downtown, and they go, this is what we should do. | ||
| So they look good. | ||
| They look woke or progressive, but it's not funny. | ||
| Like, I hate that. | ||
| And then they all go, I love Pryor. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| I love Carlin. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| Name me one bit. | ||
| You don't know anything about comedy. | ||
| You're just at work. | ||
| You've got a coffee machine over here, and you've got a nice car, and you want to keep your gig, and you want to seem like you're on the up-and-up, and you want to seem like you're evolved and on the right side, but you don't actually care about funny. | ||
| Well, the problem is that they're involved at all. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Why are those kind of people involved at all? | ||
| But we need them. | ||
| We need them for TV broadcasting. | ||
| You don't need TV. Well, not anymore. | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| You don't need them anymore, really. | ||
| They're irrelevant, and they've made themselves more relevant with this kind of thinking. | ||
| Of course, but they pay well. | ||
| So it's great. | ||
| They do. | ||
| And then they don't suck your dick until you're making money. | ||
| Then they come and I go, hey, will you represent me? | ||
| They go, blow me, douche. | ||
| And then you start getting some, it's like Ari. | ||
| Ari did a TV show. | ||
| Everybody hated Ari. | ||
| Some people still do. | ||
| And mostly Nazis. | ||
| But he had a show and then he got popular online. | ||
| So they go, okay, we'll give it to you. | ||
| We'll give you the show now. | ||
| And then now it's a storytelling show that's still on with Roy Wood, by the way, who I loved. | ||
| But yeah. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| So it's just like, you don't know anything. | ||
| Stop telling me what's funny. | ||
| I'm funnier than you, and I know what's funny. | ||
| If they are going to work for a company that is going to pay money, that's going to get involved in the comedy business, there's going to be a bunch of people who are not comedy people that are involved in the creation of comedy. | ||
| And then their ego gets involved, and they want to change the suit and do this to the background, and we want to do this. | ||
| Then the show's ruined. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, Pat from the Black Keys was talking about it last night, that you'd get these record douches from fresh out of college, and they would want to change something in the sound. | ||
| And you have this situation where you have this non-artistic person that's trying to influence your art, and they want to put their greasy little thumbprint in the corner of your art. | ||
| But it's normal. | ||
| When people give you money, they give you money for a product, and then they give you status. | ||
| They want to fill. | ||
| Like they have a job, too. | ||
| If you're an executive at one of these networks, you're Comedy Central, and there's a show with a bunch of stand-ups, are you going to just let them do whatever the fuck they want? | ||
| Are you going to give them some feedback? | ||
| Well, they're going to want to give you feedback. | ||
| They're the ones who are like, we get to decide whether this gets greenlit or not. | ||
| Sure, and that's fair because it's their platform. | ||
| But it sucks. | ||
| It is, but they shouldn't be there. | ||
| There's no reason for them to be involved in the world of comedy. | ||
| The whole idea of the network is always going to be hampered. | ||
| They're going to be handicapped, except financially. | ||
| They have studios and production value, and they have real directors, real producers that they work with, and they have a history, a long history of making real television shows. | ||
| Exactly, which is impressive, and I don't have that. | ||
| They don't have the sloppy shit. | ||
| Yeah, it's back to the grit you want. | ||
| People want the sloppy. | ||
| Stand-up. | ||
| Live stand-up is a sloppy shit. | ||
| And then podcast. | ||
| This is the sloppy shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| This is what it is. | ||
| This is real human shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's not like polished up and edited perfectly with a Tide commercial shoved in the middle of it. | ||
| Yeah, well, sorry. | ||
| Before I get inundated with tweets about how I'm in a suit, and I was just on Fallon last night, which is the top of the heap of, you know, clean, corporate, whatever. | ||
| To me, I just, people go, why do you do these late nights? | ||
| And I go, because I want to see if I can pull it off. | ||
| Let me see if they give all the restrictions, if I can still do it. | ||
| It's like, yeah, I'll go in the octagon, but let's see if you can bare knuckle. | ||
| And that's why I like to do these late nights, because I'm like, alright, they're going to tailor my act, they're going to tweak it and turn it and take this word out and fluff that word off, but if I can still kill with their bullshit, then I know I'm actually good at this. | ||
| Does it annoy you, though, that you're giving up your material for some fucking stupid show? | ||
| I mean, what are the numbers of people watching these shows now? | ||
| It's all for me. | ||
| I don't do it for the giving it up or who's watching or whatever. | ||
| I just go, I'm in 30 Rock, there's a lot of history here, Stallone's on, Cedric the Entertainer's on, Jimmy Fallon's a comic. | ||
| I do it for the tradition, and it's fun. | ||
| It's a tightrope. | ||
| You run that set for weeks and weeks and you hone it and you tweak it and you get an ending, an opening, and then you buy a suit and you go out there and you knock it out and you can flub on television, which is fucking terrifying! | ||
| And that's why you do it. | ||
| You do it for that little moment in time where you're on edge and it's great. | ||
| It's like a high. | ||
| And that's why I do it. | ||
| How many have you done? | ||
| That'll be 12 or 13. Wow. | ||
| Yeah, I like it. | ||
| You're like an old school comic, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like the Rich Jenny days. | ||
| Rich Jenny used to go on all the shows. | ||
| He would do a night show constantly. | ||
| Yeah, prior to. | ||
| Multiple times a year. | ||
| Prior to Sullivan, but then you go to the bar and he's talking about, you know, blowing a dude. | ||
| You know, and to me that's cool. | ||
| He can do Muay Thai and Jiu Jitsu. | ||
| And I like that. | ||
| I don't want to wear a suit, but you know. | ||
| I went out last night and I slept in, but yeah, it's fun. | ||
| It's fun like, alright, let me go in your arena and kick some ass, and then I'll go back to the club. | ||
| You know? | ||
| No, that makes sense. | ||
| Have you ever thought about, I mean, you don't need it, but you could do it for you. | ||
| It'd be interesting. | ||
| My time constraints are not going to lie to me. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I like tight, short jokes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My bits are more stories that lead into other fucked up stories that I can't tell the third story until you've heard the first two stories, because you have to know how I fuck around about things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I don't want you to think right away that I'm really serious about some of the things that I'm saying. | ||
| You've got to know that I'll say things I don't agree with just because I think it's funny. | ||
| And then I'll say, I don't even agree with that. | ||
| And also, I don't have enough time to just work on a five-minute set. | ||
| When I'm working, I'm trying to do my act. | ||
| And for me, a lot of bits are five minutes. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Do one. | ||
| That'd be cool. | ||
| That'd be cool if you do one bit. | ||
| And it's not about giving it away. | ||
| You could write another five. | ||
| That's not what it is. | ||
| Just I don't appreciate the medium. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I understand that it's a challenge. | ||
| I understand it is a challenge. | ||
| But I don't appreciate the medium. | ||
| It's not great for us. | ||
| No. | ||
| For me, stand-up is, you know, you're making people laugh in a nightclub setting. | ||
| Everything else is an advertisement for that. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Other than podcasts, obviously, a totally different thing. | ||
| But when I'm doing anything else I'm doing, if I was doing a TV show in the past, it was basically an advertisement to come see me in the clubs. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's what I cared about. | ||
| I am the same way. | ||
| And the money. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Take the money. | ||
| But the real thing was like, if I had to choose between one of the two, what are you talking about? | ||
| This is not a competition. | ||
| You can't beat stand-up. | ||
| Stand-up's the greatest thing the world's ever known. | ||
| If you're a comic, and you're murdering, no one is ever going to understand what that feels like. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| When you are killing. | ||
| Nothing like it. | ||
| And the audience is dying laughing, and The high is so insane and their high is so insane. | ||
| It's so much fun to make people feel good. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I feel bad for people who can't kill. | ||
| I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| They're going through life and they're never experiencing what we experience all the time. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And then they turn it on the art form. | ||
| They go, this sucks, it's not fair, people are mean, and whatever. | ||
| Oh, that's nonsense. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta figure it out. | ||
| Everybody's gotta figure it out. | ||
| When people have excuses for why they're not doing better, or excuses for why people are doing well, you're looking at shit the wrong way. | ||
| You're wasting that bandwidth. | ||
| You're wasting that bandwidth. | ||
| Well, who gives a fuck why Justin Bieber's famous? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop. | |
| Right, he figured it out. | ||
| You're wasting that bandwidth. | ||
| It's not his fault. | ||
| Don't worry about that. | ||
| Worry about yourself. | ||
| I completely agree. | ||
| There's only a certain amount of time for you to think about things in a day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Yeah, we're all gonna die one day, folks. | ||
| But it's even the amount of time you have in a day to accomplish what you want to do. | ||
| I don't understand people that have extra time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And a bunch of time that they can stick on shit that's nonsense and useless, and that's gonna take up most of your day? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Thinking about nonsense, useless opinions? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, why? | |
| Why? | ||
| I know what you mean. | ||
| You know when you wake up kind of early, and you didn't get enough sleep, but you just say, fuck it, and you get up, and then you get a ton of shit done that day? | ||
| Sometimes, yeah. | ||
| There's nothing better. | ||
| Discipline. | ||
| Discipline. | ||
| Force yourself. | ||
| Force yourself. | ||
| And I used to go, let me lay here and try to sleep. | ||
| Now I lost three hours doing that. | ||
| I should have just gotten up, because I didn't get to sleep anyway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I'm with you on all that. | ||
| But again, with the late nights... | ||
| I'm a nobody. | ||
| You forget. | ||
| You're nice enough to have me here and the booze and the cars and everything, but I got no draw or whatever. | ||
| I'm still doing the B rooms. | ||
| I'm doing the funny bones. | ||
| I can't sell a ticket. | ||
| So like... | ||
| First of all, I have to make strangers laugh still. | ||
| I don't have fans, which is a real... | ||
| That's all I want is a fan. | ||
| You have some fans. | ||
| I got a fan and a half. | ||
| Jamie might like me. | ||
| But I can't fill a room. | ||
| I can't fill a weekend. | ||
| But these late nights, if you put 12 together, that's, what, 60 minutes? | ||
| That's a special. | ||
| So people kind of get a little YouTube clip of me. | ||
| I think the YouTube clips and the Instagram clips and everything like that is what's going to help you. | ||
| Yeah, they go a long way. | ||
| That's going to help you more than anything. | ||
| You're a rock-solid stand-up, man. | ||
| You're a really good comic. | ||
| It's all I can do. | ||
| It's all I care about. | ||
| I work really hard at it. | ||
| Yeah, I appreciate that. | ||
| That means a lot to me. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| I love the art form. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I do my best to try to encourage people to go out and see it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But how come you get it? | ||
| It's funny that you're not industry. | ||
| I mean, I know you're a comic, so you're in the mix, but... | ||
| How come they can't? | ||
| I know so many funny people. | ||
| Because they're not comics, man. | ||
| They're not comics. | ||
| Comedy is one of those things that you can be a comedy fan, you understand and appreciate it, and never want to do stand-up yourself, but you've got to be in it. | ||
| You've got to get it. | ||
| You've got to get in there deep and look at it from the perspective as a fan. | ||
| But as a comic, man, I've had this conversation too many times, but there's not that many of us. | ||
| There's maybe a thousand of us in the entire country that are worth a fuck. | ||
| Yeah, maybe less. | ||
| Maybe less. | ||
| And out of the ones that are really doing well and headlining at clubs all over the country, what is there? | ||
| 250? | ||
| 300? | ||
| 400? | ||
| Okay, how many of them will sell out theaters? | ||
| It's maybe 100? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, how many are doing arenas? | ||
| Is it like 10? | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's not that many of us. | ||
| There's a tiny amount of us. | ||
| It's fucking small out of 320 million people. | ||
| I love that it's small. | ||
| It's very small. | ||
| We're in a secret union club thing. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| And the real ones will do anything for you. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| But the backlash against comics now, these weird, these two sides you have to be on, I don't get it. | ||
| Can I like this guy and that guy, or this lady and this horrible, offensive dirtbag, and this wokey, progressive, clean, lefty? | ||
| I like them both! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why can't I like... | ||
| Why do I have to pick these sides? | ||
| And people just... | ||
| I'm sure there's people listening now going, oh, he's one of them. | ||
| I'm done with him. | ||
| No, no! | ||
| Why? | ||
| I'm a good egg! | ||
| Don't forget that! | ||
| I'm a good guy! | ||
| I just like jokes! | ||
| I like shit humor! | ||
| I like slurs! | ||
| I think they're funny! | ||
| I'm sorry! | ||
| Blow me! | ||
| Suck my ass! | ||
| Shit in my face. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| My opener is a black guy, Chris Allen, and he's like, we just sit and shit on black and white all day. | ||
| I'll just call him a horrible N-word. | ||
| He'll call me a white devil in slavery. | ||
| We're buddies, and we love it. | ||
| He's got me in a headlock, and if anybody saw that, I would go straight to, you know, cancel jail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Comedy jail. | |
| Yeah, I would go straight to jail. | ||
| I'm like, you don't know our relationship. | ||
| We're friends. | ||
| We do the road together. | ||
| We're in the trenches. | ||
| We're like in World War II. We're out doing shitty rooms. | ||
| And we love each other, but if anybody saw that, I'd go to hell. | ||
| Because you're having fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're having fun. | ||
| We love it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And we find it funny. | ||
| Why can't I find that funny? | ||
| But you're saying things that they say are forbidden. | ||
| You're having fun, but in their eyes, you're not allowed to have that fun. | ||
| It must be forbidden. | ||
| Why? | ||
| See, we don't do that with anything else. | ||
| Like you joked around about me and my third daughter saying, oh, I thought she's dead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's funny. | |
| But see, to me, if you were in a meeting with a guy who was a muffler salesman and you said that, He would fucking shit his pants. | ||
| Maybe, maybe. | ||
| Most of the time, people are going to get very angry at you. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| They go, you're a bad person. | ||
| I go, no, I'm not. | ||
| I just made the joke. | ||
| How can you call me a bad... | ||
| I know me more than you know me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just made a joke. | |
| I would have talked you out of saying the things about the coke and the guy cheating on his wife at the corporate gig. | ||
| I would have said, listen. | ||
| I want to talk to you out of those. | ||
| He gave me the dirt, by the way. | ||
| He did give me the dirt, but that guy is the same kind of guy. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Oh, I see what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, maybe I'm just saying just because you find it offensive doesn't mean I'm a bad person or I did anything wrong. | ||
| And Jim Norton had that great point. | ||
| It's like we're obsessed with this movie about a clown who eats kids. | ||
| That's like the biggest movie in the country. | ||
| And then we love Ted Bundy. | ||
| We love all that. | ||
| True crime is the biggest thing. | ||
| This really happened. | ||
| And yet... | ||
| Jokes! | ||
| They really sting people for some reason. | ||
| Well, one of the things is that we'll argue with them. | ||
| It's very difficult to get it to argue back with you. | ||
| Ah, that's why Joey Diaz is fine. | ||
| You can't shut down Joey Diaz. | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| He's too strong. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| He's Chernobyl. | ||
| They don't know what the fuck to do. | ||
| They just get out of there. | ||
| But with someone like you, if you respond, they can go after you. | ||
| It doesn't have a fucking Instagram page where he's going to answer his comments. | ||
| Hey, fuck you. | ||
| You're a homo. | ||
| I wear a clown outfit because that's how I trick kids. | ||
| I'm not wearing makeup because I'm a girl. | ||
| He's not getting trapped and arguing. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| But they go, it's not real. | ||
| Well, neither is my act. | ||
| It's a performance. | ||
| But how many times have you seen someone, especially comics, get into it with fans online and going back and forth with people and people shitting on them and they're shitting on them? | ||
| It's an ugly look. | ||
| Yeah, it's not good. | ||
| It rarely works. | ||
| Right, it's bad, but it takes a while for comics to realize, I shouldn't engage with people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But a lot of people never learn that, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So, they're there. | ||
| They're there as targets. | ||
| Now, if you're a person, and you're bored, and you're 15, and you're going to school somewhere, and your stepdad's a piece of shit, and your mom's dumb, and she's on pills, and you're stuck, but you got an internet account, and all of a sudden, Mark Norman, this fucking cunt thinks he's funny, fuck you, Mark Norman, And they say something shitty to you and you're like, fuck you, your mom's getting fucked right now by some meth head. | ||
| You're like, goddammit, he's right. | ||
| My mom is getting fucked by a meth head. | ||
| You're getting involved with this because you're an accessible target. | ||
| If he tweets the guy who made the Godzilla movie, that guy's not going to tweet back at him. | ||
| But a comic might. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, we're accessible. | ||
| And it's also good when you write articles because it's a polarizing and polemic topic. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| When you write articles, it's a good thing to write articles about someone's jokes being problematic and cancel culture. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But thank God there's guys like Bill Burr out there that are still swinging and Chappelle still swinging. | ||
| Big names that are still doing comedy exactly the way they always did it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| They're not changing it for anybody. | ||
| And people go, oh, these men or whatever want to be assholes on stage and they think they can say whatever they want in the name of comedy. | ||
| No, no, we don't think we're anything. | ||
| We're not politicians. | ||
| We're just doing what we think is funny. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| They don't get that. | ||
| This is all in the umbrella of comedy. | ||
| And they go, well, maybe it's just hate speech, but you call it comedy. | ||
| Well, maybe it is, but it's funny to me. | ||
| Then it's comedy. | ||
| Then it's comedy. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's just comedy. | ||
| You can't just decide it's not good because it's hate speech. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right, right. | ||
| Because your definition of hate speech is not... | ||
| If you call some guy some terrible name in your act because you're pretending to be your racist grandfather, that doesn't mean you're committing hate speech. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| You don't know how I feel. | ||
| Well, sometimes you're doing bits, and this is how the best way to describe that bit is going to make people laugh. | ||
| That's why you do it that way. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You're not doing it that way to hurt people's feelings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| And just like spicy food, we're the chef. | ||
| We like it this way. | ||
| This is how we make it. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| If you don't like it, just don't eat at the restaurant. | ||
| And I would argue, and this is a bold one, but I noticed that the shittier the guy on stage, like the jizzle neck, like the mean, dark, say the real dark shit, those are usually the best guys. | ||
| Or girls. | ||
| Have you noticed that? | ||
| In real life, they're good eggs and nice people and giving and heartwarming. | ||
| And then these super activist-y, we've got to make this right and this guy, blah, blah. | ||
| You meet them in real life, you go, oh, you're evil. | ||
| You're kind of evil in me. | ||
| Look at Cosby. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at that! | ||
| Clean as a whistle! | ||
| America's dad! | ||
| Jell-O! Postalizing! | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Always telling people what to do. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, every time. | ||
| It's a smelted-delted. | ||
| Every time somebody calls out a guy for being offensive, they start looking through his shit. | ||
| And then you go, oh, this guy hates Malaysians, or whatever the hell. | ||
| Well, you know that. | ||
| Happens every time! | ||
| That story about the guy who outed Shane. | ||
| Shane Gillis. | ||
| Is that his name? | ||
| Yeah, Gillis. | ||
| The guy who outed him deleted 6,000 tweets on Sunday night. | ||
| We're all flawed, folks! | ||
| The night before he released it. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Has that been proven? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So he deleted thousands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| But then they go, well, that was 10 years ago. | ||
| Okay, well, maybe this is Shane's 10 years ago. | ||
| Let him evolve. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| You know, they go, well, that's old. | ||
| So what? | ||
| So what? | ||
| So Trudeau was like the best guy ever. | ||
| He was the height of the mountain. | ||
| Everybody loved Trudeau. | ||
| No feminists. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then we found out the blackface thing, did we lose all of that worth that he gained? | ||
| Or is it... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Do we let him slide, but not Shane? | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| There's no consistency. | ||
| That's a very good point. | ||
| Thank you, I have a point. | ||
| That's a very good point. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| He's human. | ||
| It doesn't mean he should be canceled for some stupid shit that he did when he was young and dumb. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I thought it was hilarious, though, when he said he didn't know how many times he wore blackface. | ||
| Ah, that's funny. | ||
| They said, how many times you wore blackface? | ||
| Because a couple extra ones came out. | ||
| And then he's like, I don't remember how many times. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Was that your thing? | ||
| Yeah, that's a lot of polish. | ||
| It seemed like that was his thing. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| His thing. | ||
| Also, I like how they called it black and brown face. | ||
| I was like, oh, we've got to have diversity, even with the true polish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Arabian Nights. | |
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah, he wore a fucking turban on and everything, the whole deal. | ||
| That's less bad because there's no mammy minstrel. | ||
| I thought the history of the minstrel was the whole problem with it. | ||
| No, but now we've perverted that, and it's become any shade... | ||
| I mean, self-tanning, that's racist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's great! | |
| If you're using a tanning salon... | ||
| That's a bit! | ||
| Write that down, J-Mo! | ||
| If you're fucking getting spray-painted, you know, you're getting spray-tanned, you're basically using blackface. | ||
| That's appropriation. | ||
| Well, me and Brendan Schaub had one of the most hilarious fucking conversations we ever had was about chocolate face. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Well, bodybuilders. | ||
| Bodybuilders, when they would do competition, they'd do chocolate body, but then they'd also do chocolate face. | ||
| They'd make themselves brown with self-tanning. | ||
| I'm like, that guy is wearing blackface. | ||
| I'm like, how is this different than blackface? | ||
| And then we found out that some people are sensitive to it, so they only tan from the neck down. | ||
| So they have white heads and chocolate bodies. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| God, look at that! | ||
| How fucking strange. | ||
| Wow, that's kooky. | ||
| That's weird! | ||
| That looks fake! | ||
| It looks like a Photoshop. | ||
| Dude, it's so crazy, because they used to do their face, too, for continuity, but they can't do that anymore because of the outrage over blackface. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Fascinating. | ||
| It's gotta be a bummer with the dong, you know? | ||
| Seeing a white-sized dong with that color is a letdown, folks. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| See, that guy's got blackface. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| So we went into this crazy rant about it, and then it became probably one of the most viral videos that we ever did. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| Yeah, that's it right there. | ||
| Why would you want to be—that's a little dark, right? | ||
| I mean, you can't even see the lines and the definition. | ||
| Well, I think that shows—on the big screen with the lights on you, I think that shows your muscles better. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah, that's why they do it. | ||
| They really—they're painting themselves. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| They paint themselves like a dye and it gets in the skin and it shows all the muscles out and shows highlights and contrasts and everything. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Geez. | ||
| I had another point and now I lost it. | ||
| But it's funny how now everybody's getting on board with Bill Burr. | ||
| You know, like all these certain comics who used to hate him are like, that special was great, it was very thoughtful, I liked it. | ||
| And you're like, yeah, but remember when he was working it out, you hated him. | ||
| You know, let the guy, let people work it out. | ||
| You know, like, let's not be so quick to hate. | ||
| The people who are all about open-mindedness and inclusion are so quick to shut people out, ironically. | ||
| Well, most of them are bad. | ||
| They seem bad. | ||
| Yeah, there's not a lot of them that are really good, like really sharp and really funny. | ||
| Yeah, do you really care about that group? | ||
| Or do you just want us to think you care about that group? | ||
| What are you doing for that group? | ||
| Well, they're struggling, and they're probably thinking they're doing the right thing. | ||
| They might even trick themselves. | ||
| But if you really know what comedy is, you know that people fuck around on stage to try to find a way to say... | ||
| I've said things the wrong way all the time. | ||
| Oh, same. | ||
| And said things in a way that used to be funny, and now it's offensive. | ||
| Like, oh, you fucking idiot. | ||
| You ruined the funny part of it by trying to make it more edgy in this direction. | ||
| Now people just think you're mean, or now people just think you're ignorant. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're trying things, and maybe you come back six months later, that bit might be murdering. | ||
| I might figure it out. | ||
| But if you just put it on YouTube like they did with Louis, and when all those comics were getting pissed at him for that Parkland shooting thing, just because you pushed some fat kid in front of the way, I'm like, look, if you were in that audience, that is a fucked up thing to say, and it's funny, and it went national. | ||
| There's no way he would have ever released that bit in that form nationally. | ||
| No, it's not ready. | ||
| Right, he wasn't ready. | ||
| But he might have found a way to get you to laugh at it. | ||
| I guarantee you would have found it. | ||
| I guarantee you. | ||
| Yeah, he was good at it. | ||
| I mean, he had that bit about 9-11. | ||
| He's like, I jerked off. | ||
| You can tell how good of a person you are by when you jerk off, how soon. | ||
| And he's like, for me, it was between the two towers falling. | ||
| That's great! | ||
| Why is it that you're allowed to shit on my taste? | ||
| Because let's say you were like, my great-grandfather was in the Holocaust, and I went, ah, that's not real. | ||
| Obviously, that's a joke. | ||
| But people go, that is horrible that you would say it's not real. | ||
| I'm like, what are you, a fucking idiot? | ||
| I'm joking, you fucking queef! | ||
| You could say that to Ari. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| His father was a Holocaust survivor. | ||
| His father's a gross, dumb heeb! | ||
| Why are you laughing? | ||
| Wait, stop, Joe! | ||
| Why are you laughing? | ||
| Ari's my friend! | ||
| It's problematic. | ||
| I'm promoting hate speech. | ||
| It's not the first time. | ||
| I just find that stuff funny. | ||
| I love the Jews. | ||
| They're the best. | ||
| I find everything funny. | ||
| If it's funny. | ||
| If it's funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ours is a Campbell-faced joke. | ||
| This is the last outpost. | ||
| The last outpost in the we're on speech is what you're allowed to joke about. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| I guess because there's a lot of truth in comedy. | ||
| There is a lot of truth in comedy. | ||
| It's like what we said earlier. | ||
| It's like sometimes it seems like that's what you're really saying because it seems like you're just saying something because everybody can just say things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can say things. | ||
| Everybody that doesn't do comedy can string together sentences the way we're doing right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So when you're on stage and you're saying things, it seems real simple. | ||
| It seems like you're just saying shit, and then I already say shit, so I don't agree with what he's saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Oh, I have a forum. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| I've got a thing called Instagram. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Or a thing called Twitter. | ||
| And I'm going to say shit to him about the shit that he said. | ||
| And then you're going to go, hey, I don't like it when they say shit about the shit I say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then it piles on. | ||
| And then people go, hey, stand-up's under attack. | ||
| No. | ||
| Morons have more of an ability to reach you now. | ||
| People have always been offended by jokes. | ||
| They just haven't had a chance to express themselves. | ||
| But a lot of these people aren't morons. | ||
| They're well-educated people I knew starting out in stand-up. | ||
| I go, I was a smart lady or a smart guy. | ||
| This is a well-educated person. | ||
| It's more than... | ||
| Moron, there's like a Kool-Aid thing happening here. | ||
| There's a little of that, too. | ||
| There's a little thing going on with, like, these people are almost, I don't want to say brainwashy, but there's like a reality is kind of gone a little bit. | ||
| They're almost so wrapped up in their own horse shit that it's, I don't know, it's like taken over. | ||
| There's certainly a little bit of the compliance thing going on. | ||
| Yeah, and they build up from talking to each other. | ||
| It reinforces it, and they kind of get more and more juiced up, and they go, fuck, this is real. | ||
| Hey, and then you put the feel-goodness factor on top of it. | ||
| Like, I'm a good egg. | ||
| I'm a good person. | ||
| And in this society now of rewarding people who will shut you down for, like, people want to call out a racist guy not because they hate racism so much, but because they know how many points it'll score them, I feel like. | ||
| There's definitely that happening, too. | ||
| And I think that's... | ||
| And I feel like... | ||
| You know when you go to Italy... | ||
| But there's also people actually trying to call out racists, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| And please do. | ||
| I don't want racism. | ||
| Or sexism. | ||
| Or homophobia. | ||
| It's all bad, obviously. | ||
| There's all kinds of things happening all at once. | ||
| The thing is it's overwhelming. | ||
| It's overwhelming. | ||
| You're trying to manage it at scale. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| You're dealing with... | ||
| If you have a million Twitter followers, good luck reading those mentions. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| It's not possible. | ||
| There's too much coming at you. | ||
| The core is you've got to know what you are. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You have to have a good group of humans around you, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That helps. | ||
| There's a lot of different factors that are going to be at play if you want to try to get through these fucking tuning nets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because if you get caught up in any bullshit, there's more bullshit for comics to think about now than ever before in terms of response from people. | ||
| But there's also more avenues for you to put your shit out. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, you can just look at what Schultz has done. | ||
| Andrew Schultz just put his fucking special on YouTube, and he went from doing pretty good in clubs to selling out in theaters and doing multiple shows in a night. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| Murdering it. | ||
| Murdering it. | ||
| Right? | ||
| So this is something that never existed before. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he found it, he figured out how to use it properly, and now you're like, oh, I don't even need those cunts over at this network that were telling me to wear the purple suit because it's funnier, and I like when your pants are too short. | ||
| I just think it fits them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think the short pants is just, when I see them, I mean, it's Mark Norman, short pants. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| And we're so insecure and weak that we go, maybe they're right! | ||
| Right. | ||
| This person has a house, I don't. | ||
| Or even better, you're like, this fucking moron is telling me to wear short pants. | ||
| I can't believe I have to take advice from this dipshit. | ||
| No, that too. | ||
| And you do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You do if you want to get that show passed. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Nonsense. | ||
| Chaos. | ||
| It's just too much. | ||
| It's too much. | ||
| But... | ||
| There's still enough of us. | ||
| There's still enough, like, real comics out there. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I guess so. | ||
| There's a good number. | ||
| There's a good number of real comics. | ||
| The thing about this Shane guy and this shit that happened to him, it's like, what they're doing is this unplanned shooting the shit conversation, you know? | ||
| And they're from that Legion of Skanks sort of environment where everybody is constantly offensive and rewarded for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's funny and people enjoy that kind of just mean, you know, shit talking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And especially in this day and age where things are very PC. It's fun to say it. | ||
| It gets a little rise out of you. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So what people did was they took a clip of that and then it was like, well, we can't have this at the network. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Like, as if that is everything that guy is. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, I know. | |
| Everybody says that guy's a good comic. | ||
| He's a good comic. | ||
| I haven't seen him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But universally, everybody says he's a good comic. | ||
| He's open for me, and he's a tough follow. | ||
| My thought is, he's better off this way. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look, apologize for that. | ||
| You know, he already did. | ||
| You know, he said he missed. | ||
| You know, he takes chances. | ||
| He misses. | ||
| Well, you don't know that a million people are going to listen to that. | ||
| It wasn't a great clip, but again, you don't know who he is, folks. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| You've got to stop calling people a racist. | ||
| That's the worst thing. | ||
| A bigot in America is the worst thing you can be. | ||
| I think a serial killer is a little worse. | ||
| I don't know anymore. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's tough. | ||
| Serial rapist? | ||
| Here's a fun story. | ||
| I hooked up with a girl on Tinder years ago, and we were laying in bed after the sex, and she goes, I've got to tell you, your photo, you look like a serial killer. | ||
| And I was like, Jesus. | ||
| And I was like, in your photo, you look easy. | ||
| And she flipped out. | ||
| I'm like, well, yours was worse, but that's where we're at in our society. | ||
| You said I look like I murder multiple people. | ||
| I'm saying you look easy, but I guess the problem is she was easy. | ||
| I wasn't a serial killer. | ||
| And again, girls get all mad about that joke, but nothing ends easy. | ||
| I like sluts. | ||
| I think you just slut-shamed. | ||
| I was a slut myself. | ||
| I love a good, uh, what do you call it? | ||
| A good hoo-ah. | ||
| Go promiscuous it up, I say. | ||
| That's also another weird thing. | ||
| Like, whenever a guy's like, yeah, I fucked a bunch of chicks, women go, oh, geez. | ||
| Like, well, aren't you slut-shaming now? | ||
| Why isn't he allowed to go fuck a bunch of people? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But no one ever celebrates if a girl fucks a bunch of guys. | ||
| If a girl's like, how was your weekend? | ||
| I fucked ten different guys. | ||
| I didn't even know them. | ||
| Let them all come inside me. | ||
| Girls would be like, what the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| Oh, that's interesting. | ||
| If your buddy said he fucked ten gals, you'd be like, whoa, how did you do it? | ||
| You're saying even women go. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Women get mad at you. | ||
| Yeah, interesting. | ||
| Women get mad if they find out their friends had foursomes. | ||
| Yeah, that is weird. | ||
| Where's the love? | ||
| It's the same with fat people. | ||
| We all talk about big is beautiful, but then every gal goes to the gym. | ||
| And you're like, I thought it was beautiful. | ||
| Which one is it? | ||
| We just don't want you to feel bad, sweetie. | ||
| Well, then just say that, because I got some spectrum-y shit where if you tell me one thing, I'll believe it. | ||
| So you're just lying to me now. | ||
| Yes, they're just lying. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's all I need. | ||
| That's all I need. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's amazing. | |
| You don't need to lose anything, sweetie. | ||
| You're amazing. | ||
| Your body's amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's got a fucking jug of Mountain Dew sitting next to her in her car. | ||
| She's not happy. | ||
| This is nonsense. | ||
| This is not amazing. | ||
| This is a person that's eating themselves to death. | ||
| Yeah, it's very unhealthy. | ||
| And then, how long till we outlaw mirrors? | ||
| That's common. | ||
| Mirrors are terrible. | ||
| Yeah, because that's... | ||
| What you need to do is just have a Snapchat filter for everything. | ||
| Yeah, we don't like truth. | ||
| Truth is out. | ||
| Will you imagine if augmented reality changed your shape? | ||
| Imagine if I put one of those new Google glasses, augmented reality glasses on, and you looked like one of those bodybuilders with the white face and the chocolate body, but you were jacked and ripped. | ||
| If I took the glasses off, you look like a normal guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But on them, you know, you could... | ||
| Have this sensation that you're with someone who's incredibly attractive. | ||
| You can have sex with them and never see their real body. | ||
| That's coming. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| That'll be here. | ||
| And then people will get surgery to just keep the glasses on. | ||
| They won't want to take them off because it's too harsh. | ||
| But you've got to realize the fun part is working on your body. | ||
| Staple them in. | ||
| It's like getting in there and fixing stuff and eating better and it's hard and you discipline yourself and you make it work and you turn down the ice cream and you get the kale. | ||
| You feel better. | ||
| That's what life's all about. | ||
| Yeah, but you're talking about discipline. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess. | |
| Some people don't want to hear that shit. | ||
| They would rather just you be celebrated for who you are. | ||
| You're amazing. | ||
| Everything is amazing. | ||
| There was a guy who got in real trouble. | ||
| He was a writer for Vox. | ||
| He was kind of a whiny dude anyway, but that was his shtick. | ||
| But he fucked up, and he's a gay guy, and he said that we should stop looking at these gay thirst trap pages with all these guys that have these unattainable bodies and these unrealistic body types, and the gay folk went at him with the furor. | ||
| Good! | ||
| Good for them! | ||
| They were furious. | ||
| Gay it up, I say. | ||
| But the idea of realistic body types in the gay community, those guys are not trying to hear that. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Those young, wild gay dudes just DTF, they don't want to hear that nonsense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, let them live. | |
| Shut your fucking mouth, stupid. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And that's the beauty. | ||
| As a straight white guy, I'm the devil, but you can't really say much. | ||
| I feel like if you're gay, you've got a little juice. | ||
| Because, hey, I'm gay. | ||
| I'm a gay man. | ||
| I'm a minority. | ||
| I'm a victimized. | ||
| So you can be like, fuck you, we're doing it this way. | ||
| Don't try to tell us how to live. | ||
| And it seems like empowering. | ||
| But if you do it, it seems kind of rally, clancy. | ||
| Yeah, little Charlottesville-y. | ||
| Yeah, and you're like, I just want to live too. | ||
| You know, I thought we were all the same. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Don't hurt me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I love the gays. | ||
| It's a fun time for great comedy. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| It's a great time for great comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because people are so happy. | ||
| When you make a point, and it's kind of offensive, but it's also hilarious, and they have to agree with what you're saying, because there's actually logic to what you're saying. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That is, for whatever reason, that just... | ||
| It turns people's engines. | ||
| Yeah, and especially now, if you can weave through, because I still have to perform for people who don't know who I am, and you've got to weave through that offensive blog and get to the punch and still get a laugh? | ||
| It's like you went under the chicken wire on your elbows, and you got there, and the bombs are going off around you, but you still got to that punch. | ||
| That's a good feeling. | ||
| Yeah, so it's a great feeling. | ||
| It's like a puzzle. | ||
| You nailed it. | ||
| Yeah, it just makes it a little bit more difficult. | ||
| And when people try to do sloppy and clunky, and sometimes they're doing it because the bit's in progress, like Louie. | ||
| I think that's where Louie's thing was. | ||
| It was just in the progress, in the process, rather, of being created. | ||
| But when you let someone figure out how to navigate those hurdles, sometimes all of us will get a great reward. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like a great Chris Reilly. | ||
| Chris Rock bit or a great Bill Burr bit that took a while to work out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| These bits take a while to figure out where the juice in them is, and it's a shame to get those out there before the juice gets out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| It really is criminal. | ||
| Well, it's a real fuck-up because bits take a long time... | ||
| You know, Chris Rock's bit about... | ||
| N-words? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That bit, he said, took like a year to work out. | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| It's long and it's heavy. | ||
| It's heavy. | ||
| And he said people were mad at him when he first started doing it. | ||
| Black people. | ||
| It wasn't doing well. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he figured out a way to just cut it down to this perfect form. | ||
| Just polish the diamond to the point where it's now like one of the most iconic bits of all time. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| As a guy who grew up in a predominantly black neighborhood, that bit hit home. | ||
| That was huge. | ||
| It's a murderous bit. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| It's poignant, it's hilarious, it's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tight. | |
| Tight as hell. | ||
| So many tags. | ||
| Yeah, it made him. | ||
| But it was also undeniable. | ||
| Like, the shit that he was saying in the bit was so undeniable. | ||
| It was so well made. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, but that guy, it took a long time. | ||
| Now imagine if somebody released that when there was a crowd that was mad at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Maybe they did it today, and it was one of the times where he's first trying it out, and, you know, someone releases it. | ||
| Like, you can't, that's not, you know, it's, comedy is a long process. | ||
| You can go watch it happen. | ||
| One of the cool things about the store is you'll get people that come back multiple times, and they'll say, hey man, I saw you do this bit five months ago. | ||
| It's so much better now. | ||
| Oh, that's amazing. | ||
| Five months ago, it kind of sucked a little bit, I'm not going to lie. | ||
| I'm embarrassed you were there. | ||
| That's the flaw of our art form, and I hate to keep calling it an art form because I sound like a pretentious cleef. | ||
| As long as it's an edgy art form. | ||
| But you need people to work it out so they see the shit. | ||
| It wouldn't be nice if you could go tinker in a lab and then go, I got it! | ||
| Eureka! | ||
| But no, you gotta slog it out in front of these fucking fat white idiots. | ||
| I don't know anybody who is capable of writing all their material perfect with no crowd. | ||
| Page to State. | ||
| A friend of mine, Sam Murill, is like a joke technician beast, and he'll text me shit. | ||
| I'm like, that's amazing. | ||
| And he'll just go right up and do it. | ||
| But it's tough, man. | ||
| I like to play around with it on stage because you never know where it could go, and then you find a new thing because the audience and the laughter helps you go a certain direction. | ||
| So I think a half and half is good. | ||
| Yeah, it's all different styles, too. | ||
| I think a guy like Hedberg, that's a completely unique style. | ||
| And he used to write a lot, apparently. | ||
| He wrote a lot. | ||
| He had a lot of material. | ||
| A friend of mine opened for him two things. | ||
| He said he showed up. | ||
| He was sleeping on a couch, probably like a heroin high. | ||
| And he just goes, Hi, I'm Neil. | ||
| And the guy goes, Best job in the world. | ||
| And fell back asleep. | ||
| So that's fun. | ||
| And then two, he said he would put pages out on the front of the stage, in front of the microphone, and it was all like a new bit, like note cards. | ||
| And so he would go, joke, joke, joke, then he would try a new one, and then he would go, okay, joke one of the note card didn't work, and he just did that all night. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because with those short jokes, you have to have a lot of them. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| So... | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine, like, when he did a special, I wonder if he had those note cards out on the stage when he did it, because everything's non-sequiturs. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| And he's on heroin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he's not really... | ||
| How the fuck do you remember all the bits when you're on heroin? | ||
| Did you know... | ||
| You probably knew all these heroin guys, because comics... | ||
| I knew him a little. | ||
| Stanhope was closer to him than I was. | ||
| I'd worked with him before at the comedy store. | ||
| I knew him a little. | ||
| I was always a giant fan, though. | ||
| He's one of my favorite things to listen to when I would go to the airport. | ||
| Because I would go to the airport and it would be like, traffic sucks. | ||
| But he was so silly. | ||
| It would put it all into perspective. | ||
| I'd just be laughing at silly nonsense. | ||
| And so it was a good thing to listen to for me. | ||
| I associate it with going to the airport. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's funny because I always use, people go, you know, when you do a joke that's offensive, they go, you think racism is funny? | ||
| Yeah, if it's said the right way. | ||
| You know, it's like, I don't think rice is funny, but when Hedberg goes, rice is great when you're hungry for 2,000 of something, that's fucking genius! | ||
| So rice isn't funny, but you make it funny. | ||
| It's the same with racism or the Holocaust or miscarriages or whatever. | ||
| You make it funny. | ||
| That's what jokes are. | ||
| Well, this is a time of compliance, and this is one of the things that we've been talking about. | ||
| It's compliance. | ||
| People want you to comply. | ||
| They decide that this is a new day, and you're going to have to change your way. | ||
| Oh, boo-hoo, comedians, you can't say what you want anymore. | ||
| Yeah, there's consequences. | ||
| Tough shit. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| They say that because they're not comics. | ||
| So they don't care. | ||
| They don't care whether or not they tank your career or stop you from telling jokes. | ||
| They don't care. | ||
| They want compliance. | ||
| They want compliance over at fucking Google. | ||
| They want compliance over at the Chevy dealership. | ||
| They want compliance. | ||
| What is happening now is a trend of compliance. | ||
| And some of it's gussied up in the social justice warrior ethic. | ||
| And some people are sincere. | ||
| Some people are really trying to help. | ||
| And all those things exist at the same time. | ||
| Because there's always been people that are trying to get people to listen to them and do what they want. | ||
| And, you know, we've always had friends that decide they're going to dominate where we go and what to say. | ||
| You know that one person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure, sure. | |
| Look, we're going. | ||
| It's the best fucking movie. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Come on, all of us. | ||
| We're going. | ||
| Oh, great. | ||
| We've got to go to Mike's movie. | ||
| That's always happened. | ||
| People always wanted to tell people what to do. | ||
| This is a version of that. | ||
| Along with, there's a motive. | ||
| Like, well, wouldn't it be better if there's no racism? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What's the best way? | ||
| Demand inclusion. | ||
| Demand women be hired everywhere. | ||
| Demand every board has a woman on it. | ||
| So this is the way they're going. | ||
| But that's not the right way either. | ||
| The right way is to never keep someone from the position because they're a woman. | ||
| But it's not to hire a woman if they suck. | ||
| Yeah, I agree. | ||
| Because the man is right there and he's great. | ||
| And I'm assuming that that's the case. | ||
| It's also not to hire the man. | ||
| Because he said, we have to have some men. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, just the best. | ||
| Just hire the best. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Hire the women. | ||
| Also, you want to pepper in that the media is a bunch of koozes who just come in and go... | ||
| Ooh, we got a fucking, just a sizzle of a scandal. | ||
| Throw it out there. | ||
| Yeah, but it might ruin a guy's name, career, and life. | ||
| Ah, who cares? | ||
| Put it out there. | ||
| We might get one click from Bed Bath& Beyond. | ||
| It's worth it. | ||
| His whole name is tarnished. | ||
| But hey, we might get some ad money from Ray-Ban. | ||
| Throw it on! | ||
| But this is the click world. | ||
| I mean, these people are starving to death, these journalists. | ||
| They have to get clickbaity titles. | ||
| They have to have clickbaity stories. | ||
| If they don't, no one's clicking. | ||
| And God forbid you work for some place that's got a subscription model. | ||
| So if you're writing for the Washington Post and the New York Times, and you can read a chapter, and it's like, if you would like to read more, please subscribe. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| They give you a taste like a crack dealer. | ||
| Have you noticed? | ||
| I subscribe to a lot of them, but I almost reluctantly click through with my login info. | ||
| Because I'm like, what are you doing to me here? | ||
| I already subscribe and you're hitting me with this grossness. | ||
| Right, but how do they sleep at night? | ||
| They have to. | ||
| That's the only way to survive. | ||
| No one's buying. | ||
| Look, there's so many free pages, and there's so many air quote journalists. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they're just fucking kids fresh out of college. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They might suck at journalism, but they got a job writing for a website because they submitted something, and the editor liked it, and the editor might be a fucking moron. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they are wrapped up in this world of social justice warrior ethic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| And this is the trend of the youth. | ||
| But here's the- They all think that they're helping things. | ||
| Yeah, and look, we all want equality. | ||
| We want progress. | ||
| They don't realize that we want that. | ||
| We're just evil men to them, which is so gross. | ||
| But they don't realize that it's going to come for them. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's going to- It has to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And it does. | |
| And it does. | ||
| It does come for them. | ||
| It does. | ||
| And it's not pretty. | ||
| And then you're going to go, Jesus Christ, how'd this happen? | ||
| It's going to happen. | ||
| You fed that monster and it bit your leg. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| There you go. | ||
| You fed it. | ||
| You fed that monster. | ||
| No one's standing up. | ||
| The real problem is stopping the real issues, whether it's sexism or homophobia. | ||
| The real homophobia. | ||
| People chanting, all fags go to hell. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Those Westboro Baptist churches. | ||
| That's real homophobia. | ||
| That's real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| It's not this perceived thing because you don't think that it's the best idea for trans men to use a child's girl's bathroom. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, what are we doing here? | ||
| No, we're all together. | ||
| Everyone. | ||
| All genders. | ||
| Gender non-specific. | ||
| Enormous bathrooms with giant men with dresses on shitting right next to little girls. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, while your father waits outside. | ||
| Like, what is this? | ||
| I'm with you. | ||
| And it stunts progress, because, you know, you might say a fact, like, you just read off Google, you know, you read off the census or whatever, and it says, like, the dropout rate with black children is through the roof or whatever, and then you say that, and people go, whoa, whoa, you racist! | ||
| You're like, well, maybe if we work on that, we can solve this problem and help it, or, you know, like, I thought you cared about this group, like, let's try to, you know, it's like if we had a leaky pipe, and you're like, we gotta fix that, but whoa, whoa, what do you, hate pipes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, let's work on it. | ||
| Let's help. | ||
| Isn't that the whole point? | ||
| But if you call somebody these horrible things, then the media picks up on that one little headline, that one tweet, and now you're fucked. | ||
| So you can't do anything. | ||
| Now you're just like, fuck, I won't even leave the house or tweet or say anything. | ||
| Well, this is a fairly new thing, right? | ||
| The world of clickbait articles online. | ||
| And I think it's going to probably morph into something else. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We probably don't even see that coming. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| That's what I'm thinking. | ||
| It feels like we're just going to go into two camps. | ||
| You want some of those? | ||
| I'm okay. | ||
| That's what I thought. | ||
| That's heavy duty. | ||
| Oh, J-Mo's going to touch it. | ||
| J-Mo can't get high enough. | ||
| He can eat like a thousand milligram edibles and it barely affects him. | ||
| I'm a shroom guy. | ||
| J-Me, me too. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| I enjoy them. | ||
| Oh, I love a shroom. | ||
| That's my favorite drug. | ||
| It's a pretty goddamn good drug. | ||
| I mean, no hangover. | ||
| It's five hours. | ||
| You feel a lot better after it's over. | ||
| Yeah, you feel good. | ||
| You think some good shit. | ||
| It's almost like clearing the trash. | ||
| Yeah, like a defragging of the hard drive. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| You see some shit clearly, you laugh. | ||
| It's almost, you can't live like that, because you just stare at that knife and go, alright, that knife was made in Taiwan. | ||
| Some guy, he had a life, he had a wife, he had kids, he was molested. | ||
| Like, you just keep going back, and you're like, whoa, shit, I've spent two hours on the knife. | ||
| And then if you do that with everything in the fucking room, Jamie's gay, then you go off into that world. | ||
| Never move. | ||
| You never move! | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or you go too far and then you're like, what's the point? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| Well, I am one of everything. | ||
| I'm a part of a molecule. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And this molecule combines with all other molecules around it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Need some Sam Harris shit. | ||
| That's why I love Neil deGrasse. | ||
| I can just listen to that guy, because he makes science accessible, and I'm like, oh, he's so right! | ||
| He took a sip of water, that water had a molecule in it from Abraham Lincoln, who fucked a kid, and that kid, you know, rode a donkey down a hill. | ||
| I don't think Abraham Lincoln fucked any kids, bro. | ||
| He freed the slaves. | ||
| That top hat had a kid in it. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| Four-year-old and seven-year-old ago. | ||
| I find this really hard to hear. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| See, I like horrific jokes. | ||
| I do too, man. | ||
| Roast Battle's one of the rare places still left where they can go hard in the paint. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| And then they hug afterwards. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| That's like part of the show. | ||
| Like, you know, Moses sets up the rules when he gets on stage, and he says, when it's over, no physical, nobody gets physical, no pushing, no shoving, no hitting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But afterwards, everybody hugs. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I've seen that. | ||
| There's like a handicapped kid who gets fucking brutally shit on, and then he'll shit on someone else with like... | ||
| And it's funny, because you go... | ||
| We talk about slut-shaming and fat-shaming. | ||
| You go down to the core again, and... | ||
| Those are all the jokes. | ||
| You know, you fuck black guys. | ||
| You're fat as shit. | ||
| You're a whore. | ||
| You're secretly gay. | ||
| Your mom fucks everybody. | ||
| Like, it all comes back to those old, you know, those old things we pretend like, oh, that doesn't matter. | ||
| You can do whatever you want. | ||
| But yet, when it comes to insults, it all goes back to that hard shit. | ||
| It's part of being a person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| I mean, this utopia they're chasing, if they ever achieved it, it would be the most boring fucking place on earth. | ||
| It's not that we shouldn't work towards utopia because that's ultimately going to make reality better. | ||
| Agreed. | ||
| And it is better already. | ||
| Yeah, it's definitely better. | ||
| That's another thing that people don't like to hear. | ||
| Even though there is racism and sexism and murder and rape and crime all over the world, it is a fucking way better place to live today than it's ever been in history. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And we're lucky. | ||
| No doubt about it. | ||
| You and I and everybody listening to this, we're all lucky that we're alive this time. | ||
| This is the time where you don't have to worry about invading hordes of Mongols coming over the hills with swords and fucking bows and arrows. | ||
| You don't have to worry about most things that people lived in fear of in terms of disease and injury. | ||
| Most of that stuff they can fix. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They can diagnose things now. | ||
| People live way longer now. | ||
| There's nutrition and health. | ||
| There's way more things to do and listen to. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Think about if nobody was smart enough to invent a plane or the internet or cars. | ||
| We'd be fucked. | ||
| There's more geniuses now than ever in history. | ||
| Yes, this is a wonderful time. | ||
| Yeah, there's a few problems, but there's also a bunch of whining cunts who fuck up everything because all they do is constantly complain, and they make you miss the beauty of life. | ||
| Yes, what did I say? | ||
| The better things are, the more people complain. | ||
| It's the rich lady at the nice restaurant with the lukewarm champagne. | ||
| It's also people that are in this cult. | ||
| There's a cultural trend. | ||
| The cultural trend is like complaining and activism, and they think that even journalists should be activists. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Right. | ||
| And that they should be promoting the ideology that they subscribe to. | ||
| I mean, this is what's also leading to a lot of this censoring people on social media and de-platforming people. | ||
| All that stuff comes from the same sort of idea that you're socially engineering the world. | ||
| Instead of subscribing to the First Amendment, to freedom of speech, so we can all work out who's right and who's wrong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But as soon as you say that someone can't talk, then you don't allow this working out process. | ||
| No discussion. | ||
| You've just decided that you're the dictator. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And so if you've got this culture of compliance, where everybody is almost shamed and bullied into believing one thing, and pushed into this direction, And especially when the vast majority of tech is controlled, at least socially, by people that subscribe to very progressive ideas and very liberal ideas. | ||
| And that's also a part of the culture of the people that are going to universities, and those are the people that are getting the jobs at Google, right? | ||
| So it's all this self-fueling thing. | ||
| Yeah, and I'm a liberal cuck, douche, twat, loser, but I feel like you've got to have some common sense here. | ||
| You've got to stay out of that weird fog that everybody gets in, and then the brainwashing happens, and they all start blowing each other, and it's chaos. | ||
| Yeah, you've got to stay out of the weeds. | ||
| And even that Andrew Yang guy talking about getting people to stop eating meat. | ||
| Like, hey, no. | ||
| Yeah, come on. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| That's what I liked about him. | ||
| He was analytical. | ||
| He was just, let's fix this problem that's broken. | ||
| He probably believes that that's key to making the world a better place. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I think there's a lot of people that would argue against that. | ||
| I think if he sat down with those people and had a debate, I don't think he'd do well. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think if someone who could explain the nutrition requirement, like really explain, like a Chris Kresser guy, based on actual science, someone like Rhonda Patrick, no one... | ||
| You're not gonna stop people from eating beef. | ||
| Just stop. | ||
| That's not smart. | ||
| It's not wise. | ||
| You're gonna put all these ranchers out of business. | ||
| It's an elitist thing to say. | ||
| You don't understand how many jobs are on the line. | ||
| You don't understand how many people love steak and wouldn't have a problem. | ||
| If you don't kill the cow, tell me what happens. | ||
| They live forever? | ||
| What happens? | ||
| They become fairies? | ||
| What happens? | ||
| Then they're dead, sitting there. | ||
| Let them free, and they get taken out by bears and mountain lions in your backyard. | ||
| So we rise of predators, or we just let them breed everywhere. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| And then every time you're trying to drive to the store, a bull comes and smashes into the side of your fucking car because it's got a heart on. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because that would happen. | ||
| We're going to let them roam free? | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Are you going to cull them? | ||
| Are you going to give them birth control? | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| What are you going to do at this point? | ||
| How about we just eat them responsibly and ethically? | ||
| How about that? | ||
| How about we feed them grass, it's real healthy food, and if you believe a life is life, just one life is worth a life, well, you're responsible for way more death because you're responsible for birds and bugs and ground nesting birds and fucking rodents and anything that gets chopped bunnies, they get chopped up in those combines. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Farmlands that displace wild animals left and right. | ||
| They put fucking pesticides into the ground. | ||
| There's a lot of fucking chemicals that get released into the ground. | ||
| Even what you would call organic agriculture. | ||
| You're still using machines. | ||
| There's a lot of bad shit that happens to the world. | ||
| It's also funny how these people love animals so much, and yet if you watch an animal planet... | ||
| Animals are the most vicious, cruel, evil, survivalist. | ||
| They're just, get out of my way. | ||
| I want to save my family or eat dinner. | ||
| But they're right about factory farming. | ||
| They're right about the repulsive feeling that you get when you look at animals. | ||
| They're stuffed into these pens and these inhumane conditions. | ||
| They're right about that. | ||
| They're not right about farms, though. | ||
| They're not right about sustainable farms. | ||
| Like Joel Salatin, he's the guy that has this place called Polyface Farms, where they talked about large-scale natural agriculture and raising animals and the environment they're supposed to be in. | ||
| Like, those pigs, they move around a fence. | ||
| So they create a fence for these pigs, and then they move the fence to another location after a certain time. | ||
| So they push the pigs into this new area, and the pigs are always free. | ||
| So they're always free-roaming and eating acorns and stuff that pigs naturally eat. | ||
| And I think they supplement them with other food as well, healthy food, but they don't behave like a scared animal that's trapped in a pen just freaking out. | ||
| They live like an animal lives. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, the argument, and it's a real argument, like, why should you be able to kill? | ||
| Why should you be able to eat something that's an animal? | ||
| It's a good argument. | ||
| It's a real argument. | ||
| And if you really are an ethical person, and you look at that argument, and that's your point, like, we shouldn't be able to kill. | ||
| I understand you don't want anything to die and you don't want anything to suffer. | ||
| The way I look at it is the natural world is this fucking shark tank. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| And all you're doing, if you're eating meat, if you're eating it in an ethical way, you're removing most of that from the animal's life. | ||
| And at the end of the animal's life, you're putting a bolt through its brain. | ||
| You might think... | ||
| That that's a horrible, terrible thing to do that that cow gets shut off in a second. | ||
| But if that cow was living in the real world, it would get ripped apart by wolves. | ||
| That's what a cow used to be. | ||
| It used to be an animal that had to run for its life and the wolves would sneak up on them and they would tear their legs apart and start eating them asshole first. | ||
| I've seen the ducks. | ||
| That's what every animal does. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| They all die like that. | ||
| All herbivores that live in a farm environment, if they're free range, if they're grass-fed cows that are just wandering around, all of them live a far superior life to any of their wild counterparts. | ||
| They'll live longer. | ||
| They'll be healthier. | ||
| And if it's someone like a Joel Salatin or someone who does ethical farming where they have large-scale, big, giant patches of land where these animals are allowed to roam free and eat grass, the only real problem they have is when grizzlies move in. | ||
| That's when they have a problem, when grizzlies and wolves find out about their cattle. | ||
| So when the natural enemies of these animals encounter them in these encaged areas, then they have to keep them out. | ||
| They have to protect these animals that they're going to kill from the animals that want to kill them. | ||
| The whole thing is crazy. | ||
| It's crazy, yeah. | ||
| But it's crazy on both sides. | ||
| It's all entitlement, really. | ||
| It's like a narcissism. | ||
| What? | ||
| We need to stop this. | ||
| But you're like, no, the world has a plan already. | ||
| It's going to happen. | ||
| There's a food chain and a pecking order, and they're going to get eaten. | ||
| But I don't think we should support factory farming, and I think they're right about that. | ||
| I think when you see factory farming, you see the horrific conditions that some of these animals have to live in, and then they just... | ||
| I mean, some of the pig farms, man, they flew a drone over one of them, and it had a lake. | ||
| I mean, like a lake filled with pig shit and piss. | ||
| And it was the most disgusting-looking fucking lake, and these animals were all stuffed into this area, and they would shit into this pipe, and the pipe would lead into these enormous lakes of pig shit and piss. | ||
| And you're like, well, these are like these meat factories, these meat-slash-torture factories. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| That's not how a pig's supposed to live. | ||
| Right. | ||
| A pig's supposed to live like the Joel Salatin pigs live. | ||
| I thought pigs liked shit. | ||
| They're wandering around. | ||
| Didn't they like pig and shit? | ||
| Didn't that the thing? | ||
| Slop. | ||
| They like to roll around. | ||
| Some pigs, I think, like to roll around and shit. | ||
| They definitely roll around and shit, but they don't want to just live stuffed on top until they're shitting into a metal grate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ew. | |
| You ever see that video, Jamie? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right, of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We get pulled off of YouTube, but it's a pretty terrifying video. | ||
| It's like rehab. | ||
| You ever look at a rehab? | ||
| They're always so nice. | ||
| You know, these people are always like, oh, this person was a heroin addict, we've got to save them. | ||
| I'm like, man, I should get on heroin and go to rehab. | ||
| They're like in Malibu and shit. | ||
| Yeah, they overlook the ocean. | ||
| Yeah, they're amazing. | ||
| Peaceful birds. | ||
| It looks pretty good. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But hey, I've never done heroin because I know I'll get hooked. | ||
| Yeah, it seems like one to avoid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| I don't even think pain pills are good to take. | ||
| I've dabbled, but yeah, I know how addictive it is. | ||
| Jordan Peterson just checked himself into rehab. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoa, whoa, whoa! | ||
| For what? | ||
| He got on an anti-anxiety medication because his wife is dealing with... | ||
| His wife's dealing with heavy cancer, like liver cancer, and she's been going through operations, and apparently she's doing well now, and he's trying to get off of this stuff, and when he tried to get off of it, he had such a horrible withdrawal that he, this is according to his daughter, It's on the news, yeah. | ||
| He had to check himself in. | ||
| So it's an anti-anxiety medication, apparently. | ||
| That's how it's used. | ||
| It's one of the ways it's used. | ||
| But it's a strong one. | ||
| Klonopin, it sounds like a drug that people take. | ||
| I mean, my friends took that in high school. | ||
| That's no Xanax. | ||
| That's like heavy duty. | ||
| What is it like? | ||
| It was just like it shut you down. | ||
| Is that one of the ones that they use to take people off of heroin? | ||
| That's methadone, I think. | ||
| But isn't there another one? | ||
| Isn't Klonopin one of those ones that they use as therapeutic? | ||
| I just know people take it recreationally and go in a K-hole. | ||
| They do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, K-holes. | ||
| Klonopin puts you in a K-hole too? | ||
| Or that's ketamine, I'm sorry. | ||
| Ketamine, yeah. | ||
| But I've seen people take it too. | ||
| It'll fuck you up. | ||
| It just fucks you up. | ||
| Yeah, like two beers and one of my friends tried to jump out of a window on it. | ||
| Like, it is bad news. | ||
| I think he was just really devastated that his wife was essentially dying right in front of his eyes. | ||
| And so he probably couldn't handle it, so he got on some medication. | ||
| Wow, he's one of those guys you're like, ah, he's tough as a bull, he'll be fine. | ||
| But then, you know, everybody's human. | ||
| Well, also, I think he's wise enough to understand his physical limitations, and I have never experienced real withdrawal. | ||
| I mean, I've experienced, like, caffeine withdrawal, but never, like, a real opiate withdrawal. | ||
| Apparently, it's fucking horrible. | ||
| It might actually be a smart thing to check yourself into rehab with people that know how to deal with it and help you through it, you know? | ||
| I guess it's the same thing as Klonopin. | ||
| It's called Klonazepam. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So there's, like, a street name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But a doctor prescribed it, right? | ||
| Which is weird. | ||
| Like, oh, the doctor gave him the crack. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| Well, all those pills are bad news. | ||
| It's pharmacy crack. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what fentanyl is, right? | ||
| Fentanyl is out of control. | ||
| It can treat panic disorder and anxiety and seizures. | ||
| It can cause paranoid or suicidal ideation and impair memory, judgment, and coordination. | ||
| This makes sense for a lot of people I know. | ||
| Combining with other substances, particularly alcohol, can slow breathing and possibly lead to death. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| There you go. | ||
| Doctor needed. | ||
| Doctor, doctor. | ||
| Prescription. | ||
| Hook it up. | ||
| Dude, I can't. | ||
| I just can't. | ||
| I need some Klonopin. | ||
| But you never take a Percocet and just lay it in a pool? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, baby. | ||
| I took either a Percocet or a Vicodin once at one of my knee surgeries. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, this is terrible. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I hated it. | ||
| Whoa, that's good. | ||
| That's a blessing. | ||
| You don't want to like it. | ||
| It made me really stupid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, my brain was so numb, I was like, I'd rather be in pain. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Ignorance is bliss. | ||
| Anti-convulsion or anti-epileptic drug as well, huh? | ||
| That means it's strong. | ||
| So it must do a bunch of different shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Also used to treat panic attacks. | ||
| So he must have been having panic attacks. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, if it's the best time of your life, you know, you were an embattled professor fighting against social justice warriors and some sort of crazy law that was going to enforce 198,000 gender pronouns, and he was like, hey, this is crazy. | ||
| Like, let's stop, stop, stop. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| And then he becomes a national celebrity, and people fight him and they're angry with him, but also people are realizing the extent of the chaos that's going on in these universities. | ||
| We're these they, them, zim, zur. | ||
| They demand these pronouns, these nonsensical, made-up pronouns. | ||
| And he was like, you can't enforce speech. | ||
| You can't enforce people. | ||
| He's like, do you understand what this is and where this goes? | ||
| It leads to tyranny. | ||
| And everybody thought he was being, like, really exaggerating and over the top. | ||
| But then as time's gone on, you realize, like, oh no, he just saw all this. | ||
| He saw all this coming. | ||
| He was right. | ||
| Like, people are radicalizing. | ||
| And it's about, a lot of it is about compliance. | ||
| They want people to comply. | ||
| I want you to comply with my new pronouns. | ||
| Have you ever seen that video? | ||
| There's a video where this guy goes up and he says, Hey guys, point of privilege. | ||
| What did he get a problem with? | ||
| I get distracted very easily. | ||
| And if you could just please keep the fidgeting and the moving around. | ||
| And then this other guy gets up after him and says, I just want to stop the gendered language. | ||
| And they're serious. | ||
| And the woman who's giving the speech is calling everyone comrades. | ||
| She's calling them comrades because she's like a socialist. | ||
| You've got to listen to this. | ||
| You're going to fucking howl. | ||
| Give me some volume. | ||
| Is this a university? | ||
| No, it's at some... | ||
| Oh, it's a socialist convention. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Here, listen to this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To defeat capitalism, we are going to need a party that will organize working people to fight for the demands that we want and to win socialism. | |
| Thank you so much. | ||
| Quick point of privilege. | ||
| Quick point of privilege. | ||
| Guys, first of all, James Jackson, Sacramento, he, him. | ||
| I just want to say, can we please keep the chatter to a minimum? | ||
| I'm one of the people who's very, very prone to sensory overload. | ||
| There's a lot of whispering and chatter going on. | ||
| It's making it very difficult for me to focus. | ||
| I know we're all fresh and ready to go, but can we please just keep the chatter to a minimum? | ||
| It's affecting my ability to focus. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Not enough. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you, comrade. | |
| Point of personal privilege. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Please do not use gendered language to address everyone. | ||
| Oh, this is scary, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| Oh, wow. | ||
| I've played this gig, by the way. | ||
| Thank you, comrade. | ||
| That is the person that went up there. | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| Some dude would address in a red wig. | ||
| I just want to hug these guys. | ||
| Come on, folks. | ||
| We got a life to live. | ||
| I just want to watch them from a distance on YouTube. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to hug. | |
| I don't want to be there. | ||
| I don't want to be there either, but I... Thank you, comrade. | ||
| We're going to make socialism win. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's their foot soldiers. | ||
| People that get easily distracted and get mad when you call everybody guys. | ||
| Point of privilege. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Point of personal privilege. | ||
| I didn't know that was a new thing, but I'm going to use that from now on. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Every time I'm upset about something at my house, I'm going to say, point of privilege. | ||
| Could you guys turn the volume down on your stupid, shitty show you're watching? | ||
| Next time I get heckled at a show, I'm going to go, hey, you didn't say point of privilege before you called me a homo. | ||
| When I was still working at a restaurant, they made it a point to tell us that at two restaurants, I sat us down, this is probably 2010, 2011, to stop saying, I've seen it come around now, again, to stop saying guys, to stop saying like, hey guys, what would you like to eat? | ||
| They made us like folks, or like, don't use the word guys. | ||
| I love the word folks. | ||
| I use it all the time. | ||
| I use folks all the time. | ||
| It's a fun thing to say. | ||
| Yeah, I like it. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I actually enjoy the word. | ||
| It's very comedy. | ||
| Hello, folks! | ||
| Yeah, it's like a light-hearted sort of greeting. | ||
| I'm into it. | ||
| Folks is good. | ||
| I'm on board with folks. | ||
| The problem I had with it, all of the tables wouldn't do it back to us. | ||
| They would all use guys, and it would almost a lot of times be women using it, and I'm like, I'm fighting the language we're using. | ||
| Well, that's a microcosm for the whole country, isn't it? | ||
| You should explain to them that they're not woke, and you should have educated them. | ||
| This was an opportunity to educate, and you fucking dropped the ball. | ||
| That's how they turn on you. | ||
| They turn on you. | ||
| You should use your platform for good. | ||
| This is an opportunity to educate, and what are you doing? | ||
| If your comedy is not involving progress and social justice, then it's bullshit. | ||
| This was during Occupy Wall Street, so mic checks are still a thing. | ||
| Oh, mic check. | ||
| Mic check was my favorite. | ||
| What's mic check? | ||
| They would yell it out. | ||
| Mic check! | ||
| Mic check! | ||
| All pigs must die! | ||
| And they would start this fucking chant. | ||
| But they would yell out, mic check. | ||
| Like if someone needed to say something, they would yell out, mic check, mic check. | ||
| And everybody else would listen. | ||
| What is he going to say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're playing. | |
| They're playing. | ||
| They're playing protester. | ||
| That's fun. | ||
| It's like a hip-hop concert. | ||
| We used to play Cowboys and Indians, but that's racist. | ||
| You can't do that anymore, so now they play protester. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember that Wall Street thing. | ||
| I went down there. | ||
| Half those kids are bankers now. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Half the kids that are protesting. | ||
| How do you like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Half of them. | |
| 50% of them. | ||
| No way! | ||
| I made that number up. | ||
| All right. | ||
| 100% made it up. | ||
| But I wouldn't be surprised. | ||
| If someone told me those kids just gave up and now they drive Ferraris and they do a lot of coke, I'd be like, I knew it! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just wanted to belong. | ||
| That was the interesting thing about the Aziz special when he said, who saw that thing in the post? | ||
| And the guy's like, oh, I saw it. | ||
| He goes, was it the post? | ||
| He goes, yeah, I think it was the post. | ||
| He goes, I made the whole thing up. | ||
| Did you see that in the Aziz special? | ||
| No. | ||
| That was the best part of the whole special was he just made up a scandal. | ||
| And he goes, how many people saw that? | ||
| And like, you know, half the hands go up. | ||
| And he's like, uh... | ||
| What paper was it in? | ||
| The guy was like, I think it was the post. | ||
| And he goes, well, I made it all up. | ||
| The guy looked like a complete idiot. | ||
| And it was a great moment because it just showed we're so scared of not being on the right side and not being around and aware that you just lie. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And now it's on Netflix forever. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking embarrassing. | ||
| That guy wants to sign the release. | ||
| He fucked up. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| It's always shocking what people will sign. | ||
| You see cops or whatever and you're like, wow, somebody signed off on that. | ||
| Oh yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, every episode. | ||
| Those people have to sign off. | ||
| Yeah, some lady's got a bag of crank and her hatchet wound, and she's like, yeah, I'll sign that. | ||
| Speaking of crank, do you remember Crank Yankers? | ||
| That was a great... | ||
| Is it coming back? | ||
| New season. | ||
| Jim Florentine is very happy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| That show, they used to do it in Vegas. | ||
| So, because it was in Vegas, Vegas, you could record someone's phone calls if they don't know. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| In California, everybody has to know. | ||
| You have to know. | ||
| I have to know. | ||
| I have to say... | ||
| Hey man, I'm going to record this call. | ||
| And you'd be like, okay, my name's Mark Norman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then we'd go ahead. | ||
| Right. | ||
| In Vegas, it doesn't matter. | ||
| They can just call you up. | ||
| No laws. | ||
| Well, it makes you wonder. | ||
| I just realized that show, no one answers the phone anymore. | ||
| No one talks on the phone. | ||
| How are you going to crank call somebody? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Robocalls. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's like customer service people and businesses and shit like that. | ||
| You can still get people to answer. | ||
| Older people will answer. | ||
| I'll answer occasionally. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Every now and then, I'm like, who's this fucking number? | ||
| Also, when did it go from prank to crank? | ||
| When I was a kid, it was prank. | ||
| When did that flip? | ||
| Yeah, well, I think, yeah, crank phone calls, though, when I was a kid. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| When I was a kid, we used to call it crank phone calls. | ||
| Maybe it was, like, someone, right? | ||
| I think you'd do a prank, and you'd do a crank phone call. | ||
| Like, a prank is cold, and you'd crank call. | ||
| I wonder if that's from crank. | ||
| Like, the old phones, you had to spin that weird thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Give that a goog, will you, J-Mo? | ||
| I wonder if that's an origin. | ||
| When I was a little boy, you'd have to do that thing with the dial. | ||
| Oh yeah, the rotary! | ||
| I remember when they invented push-button phones. | ||
| I thought it was magic. | ||
| Yeah, it saves so much time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is incredible. | |
| So much time. | ||
| The rotary was like my grandfather's house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I remember that. | |
| That's how we used to make calls. | ||
| Took forever. | ||
| And if you got all the way to nine and you fucked up... | ||
| You had to hang up. | ||
| Oh my god, you had to start all over again. | ||
| It took so long to make a call. | ||
| My generation's version of that was T9 texting, remember? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| 999-888-455-222, you know, and it took six weeks to tell somebody, hey, I love you. | ||
| Yeah, that was terrible. | ||
| But if they could do that, they have those little flip phones today that Nokia just released a bunch of them that have a few Google apps in them. | ||
| And I wonder if they just had voice-to-text. | ||
| If they just had voice-to-text, you might be able to get by just talking your text messages out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think they have that. | |
| But on a flip phone? | ||
| Oh, no, no, no. | ||
| But they have a couple of Google apps. | ||
| I wonder if those flip phones have voice to text. | ||
| This is the internet. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that it connects to the internet. | ||
| If that phone doesn't connect to the internet by default, it's not. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Well, they have apps, though. | ||
| I think most of these phones, like even these ones that are flip phones, are probably 3G and 4G. And I'm not saying they don't connect. | ||
| I'm just saying by default they're not connected. | ||
| My iPhone, I'm pretty sure it's connected to the internet right now all the time because all the apps are running. | ||
| So when you're doing Siri and it's doing voice translation, it's connecting to an AI app that's translating your voice. | ||
| And if you're not, like with that flip phone, if it's not connected to the internet, you'd have to have all of that stored on the phone. | ||
| Now you have to have a big hard drive. | ||
| Right, but that's the difference between that and notes, because notes is doing it right from your phone. | ||
| You could have your phone on airplane mode, and you talk into the notes, and you could be on a plane, and you could say it, and it'll translate what you're saying. | ||
| Well, you don't want to say your bit on a plane. | ||
| No, you're not wrong. | ||
| You're right about Siri. | ||
| Siri doesn't work when you're not connected to the internet, but right here, we could do this. | ||
| We could go into notes. | ||
| I'll put my phone in airplane mode. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I'll shut off the Wi-Fi. | ||
| Maybe it's less accurate or something. | ||
| It's got to be. | ||
| I think Siri is actually doing a bunch of different shit, not just translating your text. | ||
| Whereas this is translating your text. | ||
| So if you're going to text message somebody, my point, they might be able to get that on a phone, have nothing to do with the internet, but you could just write a text out. | ||
| So I'm offline here. | ||
| Let's try it. | ||
| Mark Norman has been sucking cock secretly since he got here. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| It did it. | ||
| The whole thing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did it nail it? | ||
| Yeah, it nailed it. | ||
| Wow, maybe it's true. | ||
| It nailed it also with no internet. | ||
| So it's definitely not online. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| See? | ||
| Airplane mode is off. | ||
| That's even scarier. | ||
| I mean, airplane mode is on, Wi-Fi is off. | ||
| That means they're listening to everything. | ||
| No. | ||
| It means your phone can translate text to speech. | ||
| Or speech to text. | ||
| So a flip phone, you could get by with a flip phone that does that. | ||
| Better than that T9 nonsense that Ari Shaffir has to use. | ||
| But again, just don't say your bits into your phone in public. | ||
| You know, be like, Nazi jizz sandwich, you know? | ||
| And that'll get you kicked out of a, you know, Southwest flight. | ||
| Yeah, if you were like sitting there waiting in line at a flight, like imagine if Nazi jizz was the most delicious shit on Earth. | ||
| There's something about really hating Jews. | ||
| It is the purest Jews. | ||
| It's the whitest. | ||
| You have to get them to really hate Jews, and you suck their cock right when they're in full seat pile. | ||
| And it's like the sweetest nectar. | ||
| Imagine if they found that out. | ||
| How the fuck did they find out that fish eggs were edible, that caviar is worth something? | ||
| All that shit's clams. | ||
| All that shit's crazy. | ||
| What were they looking for? | ||
| Even cheese. | ||
| Some guy had to eat old milk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh my god, right? | ||
| Or a lemon. | ||
| You bite into a lemon, like, I'll keep this. | ||
| Well, what is that root, the cassava, that they eat in the Amazon? | ||
| There's this root that apparently it creates strychnine. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, it's like one of the main staples of their diet, too. | ||
| And they have to soak it and process it in water. | ||
| How'd they learn that? | ||
| They leave that water around like little kids, and nobody ever fucks with the water because it's like full-on poison. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they just have a bucket of it sitting around. | ||
| If you drank it, it'd kill you instantly. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| It's strychnine water. | ||
| And they take that cassava root and they turn it into a bunch of different dishes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| It's this really nutty process where they have to boil this stuff for like hours and strain it. | ||
| My friend Steve Ranella was filming a show called Meat Eater on Netflix down there. | ||
| Oh yeah, seen that. | ||
| And he was watching them make this cassava shit. | ||
| And if you do it wrong, it kills you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's the main thing in their diet. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's where tapioca comes from. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Whoa! | ||
| Tapioca is a starch extracted from the cassava root through a process of washing and pulping. | ||
| What is tapioca? | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Besides delicious? | ||
| It's a pudding, right? | ||
| What's better, tapioca or vanilla pudding? | ||
| Tapioca. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But it is. | ||
| Pudding's kind of gone away. | ||
| I love pudding. | ||
| I love chocolate pudding. | ||
| Oh, like a snack pack? | ||
| Remember those? | ||
| God, I could eat eight of those. | ||
| You know what the real pudding is, though, that people don't get anymore? | ||
| They don't get the pudding that you make, where you mix it and you make it on the stove. | ||
| It gets the skin on top. | ||
| I love that skin. | ||
| That's the black skin I like. | ||
| And then you crack into the skin. | ||
| You crack into the skin to get to the... | ||
| And then you put it in your bowl and it's warm when you eat it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Jell-O pudding? | ||
| Pudding. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jell-O pudding. | ||
| You can have Jell-O pudding, but there's better companies. | ||
| I've never heard of one. | ||
| Well, Cosby. | ||
| There must be other companies. | ||
| Jell-O is the big one. | ||
| Do you avoid Jell-O pudding because of Cosby? | ||
| I mean, they're forever connected to him. | ||
| Yeah, but I think he's been out for a minute of Jell-O. Been out of the Jell-O business? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Remember, it was that little box. | ||
| It was so exciting. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That box. | |
| The powder. | ||
| You shake the powder. | ||
| You had the whisker. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| The blender, rather. | ||
| What is that thing called? | ||
| Electric one? | ||
| The whisk? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, or you could do it that way. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And you get all the stuff dissolved, all the powder dissolved. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And then you slowly simmer it on the stove. | ||
| You'd always get mad if your sister was, like, turning up the heat too much. | ||
| You're turning up too much. | ||
| It's going to burn. | ||
| Fucking idiot. | ||
| You know what you're doing. | ||
| Jello instant pudding. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Still out there. | ||
| Still going. | ||
| Yeah, see those packs when you open them up? | ||
| Not as good. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Not as good. | ||
| But I'll tell you what, it's goddamn delicious. | ||
| Jell-O pudding with, they have a sugar-free Jell-O pudding. | ||
| It sounds like no sugar in it at all. | ||
| And you could eat like a hundred of them. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It doesn't even feel like you ate anything. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| How about that was big as a kid? | ||
| And Rice Krispie Treats, like the real ones in the pan? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| That was a big deal. | ||
| The real ones. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| They're putting pudding on a steak? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what you're saying? | |
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| Is that what that is? | ||
| It says it's steak pudding. | ||
| Steak pudding. | ||
| What? | ||
| Maybe it's so tender. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I think that's what I'm saying. | ||
| So they can make it into a pudding? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The preview is just them cutting steak real thin. | ||
| How to make chocolate pudding. | ||
| Look at these guys. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| This used to be like an afternoon. | ||
| Like, you would do this. | ||
| Now you just go buy it. | ||
| What the hell? | ||
| That looks amazing. | ||
| Oh, this is a different thing. | ||
| This is like steak in some sort of... | ||
| 1788. Look, they dress like old-timey people. | ||
| What's those brothers that made those videos? | ||
| Friars? | ||
| The songs? | ||
| Those brothers, they all wore the clothes from the 1800s and they drank out of mason jars. | ||
| Who are those guys? | ||
| It's not the Abbott brothers. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| I want to say the Brunson brother. | ||
| That's not it either. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| No, no idea. | ||
| Let's leave this podcast with everybody in suspense. | ||
| You're never going to find that. | ||
| Someone's going to tweet you. | ||
| I had it in my head yesterday because I was just thinking of that moment. | ||
| From Wayans Brothers? | ||
| I saw the other being like, I'm monsters and mice. | ||
| Oh, the singers! | ||
| Yes, yes, yes. | ||
| Yeah, Avid. | ||
| No, Mumford& Sons. | ||
| Mumford& Sons, yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You got the brothers in there. | ||
| He's throwing me off. | ||
| I fucked that up. | ||
| Ah, Sons. | ||
| Who are the Sons and who's Mumford? | ||
| How's that work? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| That's exactly how they dress. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, what do I know? | ||
| But they dress old-timey. | ||
| Are they still around? | ||
| Oh, those guys were great. | ||
| I saw them live once. | ||
| They were killer. | ||
| Yeah, great music. | ||
| But they dress real old-timey. | ||
| Did they update? | ||
| Yeah, they kind of lost it a little bit. | ||
| But didn't they have videos where they dress like they're from the 1800s? | ||
| Yeah, they did an old train tour. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| Somebody forced them into that. | ||
| Guaranteed there's a marketing guy behind that. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I need you. | ||
| I need you. | ||
| I need you in these vests. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What's that sound? | ||
| No one is wearing vests. | ||
| I hate a vest. | ||
| You guys can be the vest guys. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| There's not a lot of outfits to wear when you have a banjo and a stand-up bass. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Banjo is a whole accessory in its own. | ||
| Yeah, you can dress like that. | ||
| Now they're dressed like cool guys. | ||
| Those guys might as well be the Black Keys. | ||
| Those guys are killer. | ||
| They cook. | ||
| Jordan Peterson posts photos with Mumford and Sons. | ||
| Well, they're both doing Oxycontin. | ||
| Mark Norman, it's almost four hours in. | ||
| No! | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Three hours and, like, what, 40 minutes or something? | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| How did that happen? | ||
| We had a good time, buddy. | ||
| Listen to my podcast, for Christ's sake. | ||
| Yeah, tell people how to get to it. | ||
| iTunes, the whole jizz. | ||
| You know how it goes. | ||
| The internet. | ||
| Tuesdays with stories. | ||
| Me and Joe list. | ||
| And, yeah, I'm on the road. | ||
| MarkNormanComedy.com. | ||
| Follow me on Twitter and yell at me and the whole thing. | ||
| And he's going to be with me tonight at the improv for two shows. | ||
| Yay! | ||
| I was so excited you texted. | ||
| Yes, Owen Smith and Ally Mikofsky. | ||
| So we'll see you freaks there. | ||
| Praise Allah. | ||
| Bye, everybody. | ||
| Big kiss. |
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