June 18, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:39:15
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Two, one, boom! | ||
| Miss Pat, we're live. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| How are you? | ||
| Hey! | ||
| Great to see you again. | ||
| Glad to be back. | ||
| Man, this studio is better than my house. | ||
| Crap, I'm gonna go home and tell my husband we need to move in Joe Rogan's studio. | ||
| There's not a lot of room for extra people. | ||
| I know, I know, I know, I know. | ||
| I was just fantasizing. | ||
| Are you still in Indianapolis? | ||
| Unfortunately. | ||
| You don't like it there? | ||
| Hell no. | ||
| I like my fans, but I'm black, and it's snow, and snow and weave don't go together. | ||
| I just don't like it. | ||
| It's the same. | ||
| Everybody eat an Applebee's and Golden Corral. | ||
| I need culture. | ||
| Culture? | ||
| Yeah, culture. | ||
| What about Chicago? | ||
| I'm cool. | ||
| I want to go back to Atlanta. | ||
| Atlanta. | ||
| That's where I want to be. | ||
| I want to be in Atlanta. | ||
| I love Atlanta. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Man, the food, the people. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| I just, I want to walk out my door and smell Mexican, Indian, all type of spices. | ||
| All I smell in my community is duck shit and tiki torches. | ||
| And dryer sheets. | ||
| Because white women do their laundry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dryer sheets. | |
| Yeah, I need some culture. | ||
| I need to walk outside and see all types of people. | ||
| Isn't it weird how places just never develop a lot of culture? | ||
| Some places just, the spots just never get any more interesting. | ||
| Yeah, it's just, it's so boring. | ||
| Everybody go to church. | ||
| Nobody curse. | ||
| And when I come out my door and if I'm talking to a neighbor and I use professional, oh my God, I said, I'm not going to change my language because you decided to walk your dog today and stop and talk to me. | ||
| You tried to talk to me and everybody pick up their dog shit in my community. | ||
| And where I'm from, hey, that was fertilizer. | ||
| So you see your neighbor with a big old pound of dog crap in his hand. | ||
| I'm like, dude, no. | ||
| I don't think it works as fertilizer because my dog pisses and shits on the lawn. | ||
| It just leaves these big old yellow spots where the grass dies. | ||
| Yeah, but if you leave them long enough and it rains on them, they just go into the grass. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| They don't kill the grass. | ||
| I think the piss does. | ||
| The piss seems to kill the grass. | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| We didn't have no grass. | ||
| Everybody walked through the grass. | ||
| I didn't care about lawns until I became a homeowner. | ||
| Yeah, homeowners care about lawns. | ||
| Homeowners care about a lot of crap. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| Yeah, I have a rental property in Atlanta. | ||
| If I can get rid of that, I would never, ever. | ||
| Black people come up with some of the strangest things while they ain't got their rent. | ||
| Like, I'm supposed to care. | ||
| I tell them, Bank of America don't care that your grandchild had a seizure. | ||
| I need my rent money. | ||
| Put a spoon in his mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Tell them about CBD. Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I've had, oh, I just, I'd be so glad when I can get rid of this property. | ||
| So you own a place in Atlanta? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Would you live there? | ||
| At the place that you own? | ||
| Hell no. | ||
| No? | ||
| No, I wouldn't live there. | ||
| You don't like the spot? | ||
| I'm a little too bougie for that. | ||
| I'm a little too bougie. | ||
| I got health care. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Too much success. | |
| No, not too much success. | ||
| I'm a little too bougie to live back. | ||
| But I rent it out. | ||
| I rent it out. | ||
| It's a nice place. | ||
| But you would live in Atlanta somewhere else. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah! | |
| I want to go to Peachtree City, Kennesaw. | ||
| I would live in Atlanta. | ||
| I love Atlanta. | ||
| Why don't you make your way down there? | ||
| What's holding you in Indianapolis? | ||
| Healthcare, Jeff. | ||
| Healthcare. | ||
| My husband has a really good job that we pay nothing. | ||
| His knee just went out, his hands done gone out, and I can't pay for them types of things. | ||
| He tore his ACL running to the cafeteria at work. | ||
| Oh, I've done that. | ||
| I tore both of them. | ||
| You probably were exercising. | ||
| He was going to get food. | ||
| Don't watch this episode of Joe Rogan, baby. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Tune out now, sir. | ||
| That's a rough one to recover from. | ||
| It takes a long time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Six months. | |
| He was six months. | ||
| Now he's got a carpal tunnel in his hands, so he's getting ready to have a hand surgery. | ||
| Does he type? | ||
| What does he... | ||
| He builds the Allison transmission for Allison. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| For General Motors. | ||
| So he's constantly moving things with his hands. | ||
| Yeah, so his hand is all crouched. | ||
| Carpal tunnel's a bitch. | ||
| My mom got that. | ||
| That's a rough one. | ||
| Well, I never had a job where I did that much repetition. | ||
| You know, I sold drugs and forged a few checks, but it wasn't an everyday thing I had to do. | ||
| You have how many checks you'd have to forge before you get carpal tunnel? | ||
| Yeah, a lot. | ||
| So, once you burn 32, you don't have any more to burn. | ||
| You got to wait till somebody steal the next book. | ||
| Plus, I was really young back in the day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| So that's what's keeping you in Indianapolis. | ||
| Healthcare. | ||
| My husband got a good job. | ||
| I need a TV show so I can get some really good healthcare. | ||
| Well, your podcast is launched now. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's called The Pat Down? | ||
| The Pat Down. | ||
| And I have my own song, too. | ||
| Oh, thank you. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| We're talking about Ari. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| About Ari getting in trouble for putting other people's songs on his podcast and they demonetize his podcast. | ||
| Yeah, my nephew, Riverdale Shawty, made me my own little pat-down song. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Oh, somebody made a song for you? | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, I was just trying to do something different. | ||
| It's only 30 minutes of me talking crap about whatever's going on in my life. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| You hear my kids in the background getting cussed out. | ||
| You hear the creditor calling me. | ||
| And my co-host is a little white boy named Chris who don't know nothing about black America. | ||
| And then I got my friend who just, he's ready to go march if you need him to. | ||
| So I got this libertarian and this crazy ass Democrat together. | ||
| And I'm down the middle and say, hey, we can all get along. | ||
| And they hated each other at first. | ||
| How'd you get them together? | ||
| Because they hated each other. | ||
| So you did it on purpose? | ||
| Yeah, my black friend thought Chris was racist. | ||
| I was like, no, I know racist. | ||
| He's not racist. | ||
| He's just naive to the fact. | ||
| He's not what? | ||
| Naived. | ||
| Eived? | ||
| Tell him what I'm trying to say. | ||
| Naive? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, naive. | |
| Naive. | ||
| Yeah, you got to translate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Naived. | |
| I was like, is that like Adam and Eve? | ||
| I was trying to go with this. | ||
| It was naive, but it sounded like Adam and Eve. | ||
| So he just didn't understand. | ||
| So we get them together, and we have these conversations about race, and we did an episode about abortion, and Chris was like, he's really Christian? | ||
| And I was like, do you believe a woman should have a right to have an abortion? | ||
| He just pitter-pattered all around us. | ||
| Chris, just say yes or fucking no. | ||
| And finally he said, I don't believe a woman should have an abortion. | ||
| I said, that's fine, but this is my vagina and I can do what I want to do with it. | ||
| If I want to stick firecrackers in my vagina and turn it into the 4th of July, Joe Rogan, this is my vagina. | ||
| As long as I don't get no vagina juice on you. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Atlanta's got a problem now with that, right? | ||
| Isn't that Georgia just passed a new abortion law? | ||
| I don't think it's passed yet. | ||
| She just canceled her shows. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, she just canceled her shows in Atlanta because I think it passed. | ||
| I think that was the idea. | ||
| That's why she canceled it. | ||
| I don't think it passed, Joe, because the TV people haven't pulled out yet. | ||
| Oh, you think they would if it passed? | ||
| I think they would. | ||
| I really think they would. | ||
| I think they're making tax money. | ||
| Atlanta got them in there because of tax money. | ||
| Yeah, and I think they'll leave. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| A lot of people lose their jobs. | ||
| I don't think they're going to leave. | ||
| I don't think nobody should be telling us what to do with our bodies. | ||
| I don't think so either. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you know, I've been shot in the titty. | ||
| One of my nipples messed up. | ||
| So that's like you trying to tell me I should get my titty fixed. | ||
| If I don't want my titty fixed, it's my prerogative. | ||
| I shouldn't have to have my titty fixed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, Joe? | |
| How do you feel about late-term abortions? | ||
| That's where people get scared. | ||
| That gets squirrely. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think you should be having no abortion in those six and eight months now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I agree with you. | |
| And I don't think it should be recreation either, because I had an abortion. | ||
| Recreational? | ||
| No, just doing it for fun. | ||
| Recreational. | ||
| I like how you translate for me. | ||
| Who knows abortion for fun? | ||
| Oh, I've had a few friends. | ||
| What are you going to do today? | ||
| Well, I was thinking about riding a roller coaster, but fuck it, I'll get an abortion. | ||
| I've had a few friends that had quite a few abortions. | ||
| I've had one myself. | ||
| I mean, in my situation, I think everybody's situation is different. | ||
| My situation, I already had my first baby at 14, my second child at 15, and it was by a married man. | ||
| Well, I got pregnant by this married man again, and I just looked at myself. | ||
| I said, here I am, 16, pregnant with my third child. | ||
| I cannot take care of the two I got. | ||
| All of this stuff like what they tell you about birth control and safe sex, that wasn't going on in the 80s. | ||
| People were shedding their does and wouldn't even talk about it. | ||
| Well, especially when you were a little kid. | ||
| I'm 14. You were a little kid. | ||
| I was a kid. | ||
| So when I got pregnant with my third child, I became an emancipated minor and divorced my mom. | ||
| And I went and got an abortion because I knew he wasn't helping me with the first two. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| You told the story on the first podcast, and still to this day sometimes I'll be doing something, and I'll just think about your story and just go... | ||
| Selling drugs as a teenager, pregnant with two kids by the time you're 16. That's crazy. | ||
| In jail. | ||
| I mean, I dropped out of school in the 8th grade. | ||
| You know, all of that stuff. | ||
| And I just said, I don't want my kids to end up like me. | ||
| So I was like, I can't keep having these babies. | ||
| And after that, I got on birth control and I just prayed. | ||
| I said, Lord, I don't want no more kids by this bomb. | ||
| And I never got pregnant. | ||
| So I got married. | ||
| Well, that's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So now I have those two. | ||
| You know, I used to tell a bit about I got a set of Medicaid kids and a set of Blue Cross Blue Shield kids. | ||
| So I waited until they got older. | ||
| I mean, I got older and I became, I started to learn about life. | ||
| He taught me a lot. | ||
| And so I had those last two and I tied my tubes. | ||
| Very good move. | ||
| Four is enough. | ||
| Four is more than enough. | ||
| That's a good number. | ||
| But you know, Joe, I'm black, so my family smoke crack. | ||
| So they keep giving me their kids. | ||
| So I had to tie my tubes to make room for the crack babies that keep coming in and not my house. | ||
| I'm raising four right now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I have my niece. | ||
| I picked up my niece like five years ago to help her out. | ||
| She had a baby that was two weeks old. | ||
| And I have this thing like all kids deserve a solid foundation because I didn't have one. | ||
| This is my third set of kids I've raised, and I'm just 47. So I picked my niece up, baby two weeks old, and she got three other kids. | ||
| I said, okay, I got this big house in Indianapolis. | ||
| Come live with me. | ||
| I got three, four extra bedrooms. | ||
| Well, this bitch ran off and left me with them kids. | ||
| Now I have a five or eight. | ||
| She left you with her kids? | ||
| Yeah, and a 10 and 11 year old. | ||
| And I've had these kids for six years. | ||
| And I literally have not seen my niece in almost four years. | ||
| No phone call, no nothing. | ||
| And, you know, I'm trying to build a career. | ||
| So I have a daughter who... | ||
| My kids who were at the house now had to make a major sacrifice. | ||
| Like, my daughter couldn't go off to college because she didn't want to leave my husband with these four kids. | ||
| So she went to college in Indianapolis. | ||
| But she went mostly from, you know, home. | ||
| My son couldn't go off to college because they at home helped me raise these four kids that I call my crack babies. | ||
| But they at home raising my crack babies because she don't want to leave my husband with all four of these crack babies by themselves. | ||
| So, you know. | ||
| Where is the mother? | ||
| You want to hear something crazy? | ||
| The bitch blocked me on Facebook joke. | ||
| She won't even let me be a friend on Facebook. | ||
| You're taking care of her children? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she blocked you on Facebook? | ||
| Why did she block you? | ||
| Because I kept saying, I'm going to kill you, bitch. | ||
| I was ready to live my best life. | ||
| I said, oh, I'm making some money. | ||
| Me and my husband are going to go to Hawaii, get naked, float in the water, and bam, four crack babies. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| You know how much a ticket to Hawaii is called? | ||
| I can't take them crack babies with me. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, I mean, it changed everything. | ||
| And then, you know, when she left, and she didn't even give me custody. | ||
| I had to go and hire this lawyer and go and get custody because she just ran off. | ||
| And I asked the welfare system in Indianapolis, I said, can y'all just give me childcare? | ||
| Because childcare was going to be like $800 a week. | ||
| Because my kids was in high school when she left. | ||
| And they was like, no, we can't give you that. | ||
| But we will give you Medicaid and $300. | ||
| They didn't give me shit. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| So I just made away myself and I said, you know what? | ||
| I've had this baby since she was two weeks old. | ||
| How do you drop a baby that you've had since she was two weeks old? | ||
| It's basically your baby now. | ||
| Yeah, I can't give up. | ||
| Especially since the mom blocked you. | ||
| That is so fucking crazy. | ||
| The mother blocked you. | ||
| Do you know where she is? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| No, but we did make a secret account, right, of a nice, fine man like yourself, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Nice, fine black man. | ||
| And we friended her. | ||
| So she accepted as a friend. | ||
| So she don't know that that's us. | ||
| And she don't listen to your podcast, so I can tell. | ||
| So we follow her like that. | ||
| So she's on the other side of town getting high. | ||
| Never hit me up. | ||
| Never talk about the kids. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| You know, I don't get a dime from nobody. | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| And I don't ask for nothing. | ||
| I mean, I'm just, at this point, I'm thankful that I can even take care of these kids. | ||
| Because my sister was on drugs and I took care of her kids. | ||
| My niece who's on drugs now, I took care of them for 10 years with my husband. | ||
| And she's on drugs now? | ||
| The daughter's on drugs. | ||
| Well, my sister got them back and got them all on drugs like her. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| So I made sure that these kids can't go back to that situation. | ||
| Now I call them my bougie crack babies. | ||
| babies they won't even eat mcdonald's only chick-fil-a they're like oh we don't eat mcdonald's we eat chick-fil-a and i was like i remember when your ass didn't eat at all baby they give me great material but it's not easy but i'm Do they know you call them crack babies? | ||
| No, they don't see a podcast. | ||
| My husband says, stop calling these damn kids crack babies. | ||
| I'm like, these are crack babies. | ||
| They don't know I call them crack babies. | ||
| Only America know that I call them crack babies. | ||
| But y'all can't call them crack babies. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Do they call you mom? | ||
| They do, and it's kind of weird. | ||
| So they just started calling me mom out of nowhere. | ||
| Don't call me fucking mom, I'm auntie. | ||
| But now I just let them go. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Well, they go to school, and they see all the, you know, I live in this white community, and they see all these kids with a mom and daddy. | ||
| And it's like, well, why don't we have it? | ||
| And they just started calling me mom. | ||
| And so we're mom. | ||
| And my daughter, she just graduated from college. | ||
| But they got two moms, and then my husband is their daddy. | ||
| Aww. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Well, thank you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| That's a beautiful thing you're doing. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| Even though the lady's a cunt. | ||
| She abandoned her kids. | ||
| No, in the black community, she's a bitch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what she is. | ||
| Those kids got lucky. | ||
| They got lucky. | ||
| They really did. | ||
| They really did. | ||
| I took them on a Disney cruise last year, Joe. | ||
| And, oh my God, they had the time of their life. | ||
| I said, look at my crack, baby. | ||
| They don't know what I don't say to them from the crack house. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Oh my God, what you saved them from. | ||
| They're on a Disney cruise. | ||
| Yeah, look at these crack babies on a Disney cruise with matching outfits. | ||
| But I love them. | ||
| It's amazing that you're doing that. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| I mean, I know it's hard, but it's amazing that you're doing that. | ||
| Well, you know, like I said earlier, every child deserves a solid foundation to start on. | ||
| Unfortunately for me, I didn't have that solid foundation. | ||
| I didn't have nobody to step in my life and, you know, snatch me from my mom. | ||
| But, you know, whenever I see a child in need, especially a family member, I always try to step in. | ||
| Because I know, I know when you don't have that solid foundation where you can end up. | ||
| And some kids end up, you know, fucked up even with a solid foundation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But if you can give them a good start, at least give them a good start. | ||
| And that's all I ever wanted to do. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, and Simmons Learning Center is killing me. | ||
| I put these black crack babies in this white community. | ||
| These kids been reading since they were two. | ||
| They were whooping my black baby ass, Joe Rogan. | ||
| So they need tutors? | ||
| Hell yeah! | ||
| I'm like, I'll be glad when you crack babies catch up. | ||
| I'll be glad when y'all catch up. | ||
| We gotta get this podcast to take off. | ||
| Yes, yes, yes. | ||
| You don't need a TV show these days. | ||
| You don't. | ||
| You just need that podcast to keep going. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I'm enjoying it, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't realize. | |
| But you're perfect for it. | ||
| Like, that's what we were talking about at the Comedy Store the last time I saw you. | ||
| Four o'clock in the morning. | ||
| I was like, you got to. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| And I really like it, too. | ||
| I knew you. | ||
| I was like, it doesn't make any sense that you don't have one. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And I mean, I'm enjoying it. | ||
| 30 minutes. | ||
| Oh, Ms. Pat, give me more. | ||
| I'm like, excuse me. | ||
| I'm sitting here with no wig on, no breath. | ||
| I ain't took no bath. | ||
| And Chris might be smelling me after 35 minutes. | ||
| This is all you gonna get. | ||
| Plus, you know, he come over at 4, 3 o'clock. | ||
| And then my baby's coming in the door at 4 o'clock. | ||
| So I'm like, sit your ass down! | ||
| I'm screaming and hollering. | ||
| I gotta go fix food. | ||
| And I got a life. | ||
| I'm married. | ||
| I can't sit down for, you know... | ||
| 30 minutes is fine. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I like it. | |
| As long as you're consistent, that's the whole thing. | ||
| Be consistent. | ||
| Don't take weeks off. | ||
| When people take four weeks off, five weeks off, people forget. | ||
| And then they're not interested in your podcast anymore. | ||
| But if you're just consistent and you just keep doing it, it becomes a part of their routine. | ||
| And then they tell people, you've got to listen to Miss Pat's podcast. | ||
| And next thing you know, by word of mouth, it just spreads. | ||
| Yeah, and I mean, we have so many episodes in the bank. | ||
| How many do they have? | ||
| I think we got probably 20 in the bank. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beautiful. | |
| Yeah, they wasn't as good as the ones that I put out regular, but, you know, when I first started, I was kind of shy, and I was like, oh. | ||
| What? | ||
| You? | ||
| I'm Southern. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Look how many times you have to say, what the fuck did you just say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you're not shy. | |
| I was kind of shy in the beginning. | ||
| That's the last word I would ever use for you. | ||
| I fight, but I'm kind of shy, Joe. | ||
| I mean, you know, because I'm country and people are like, what the fuck did you say? | ||
| I actually talked about you on my first one. | ||
| So when I first did your podcast, it was this story out that Joe Rogan is a badass and he choked out a mountain lion. | ||
| And I was like, I don't want to go talk to no white man and choked out a fucking mountain lion. | ||
| That's a made-up story. | ||
| I know, but I didn't know at first, and I was so scared, Joe. | ||
| You thought I was a mountain lion killer? | ||
| Like I was out there choking lions? | ||
| I'm used to black people doing drive-bys, but I ain't used to white people just choking out a mountain line. | ||
| So I'm trying to figure out how the fuck he get up on a mountain line. | ||
| How do a white man sneak up on a mountain line from behind and choke the shit out of him? | ||
| He gotta be strong as fuck. | ||
| So I kept digging, and I realized the story wasn't real. | ||
| I was like, I didn't want to talk to no white dude who choked out a mountain line. | ||
| Then I started, you know, I see you with that big old weight and shit, that big old horse head. | ||
| I know he killed that fucking mountain lion. | ||
| It took a while for me to realize. | ||
| It took about a month before I realized the story wasn't real. | ||
| My own sister didn't think, my own sister thought it was real. | ||
| Really? | ||
| She texted me. | ||
| She goes, you really choke out a mountain lion? | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| You gotta get out of Florida. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you're a badass. | |
| You're a badass. | ||
| I mean, only you can sneak up on a mountain lion and choke the shit out of me. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I run with a knife. | ||
| When I run, I carry a knife with me, just in case. | ||
| Because there's mountain lions in my community. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They've seen them. | ||
| Yeah, and I run with my dog. | ||
| If a mountain lion tries to jack me or my dog, I want to have something on me. | ||
| So if he jacks your dog, you're going to stab him? | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| You know, I was just telling a story about my... | ||
| You know, I'm from the South, right? | ||
| So back in the day, and don't get offended, people, but, you know, dog fighting is big in the South. | ||
| So we didn't fight, like, no danger shit. | ||
| We just put some nowlaters on the ground. | ||
| Whoever dog gets the best, they win the nowlaters. | ||
| Well, my dog was named Pup Pup. | ||
| Now or later? | ||
| You mean like candy? | ||
| Now and laters. | ||
| The candy, yeah. | ||
| So you have the dogs fight over candy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Me and my dog used to split the candy. | ||
| Let's all get some candy if it wins. | ||
| Black dogs used to eat anything back then. | ||
| Collar, green pig, feet, whatever. | ||
| Black people didn't buy dog food. | ||
| So me and my dog would fight a lot. | ||
| But if you got the best of my dog, I would jump in and whoop your dog ass. | ||
| Because you was not going to whoop my old ass German Shepherd ass. | ||
| Now don't be calling in and be talking about I'm abusive to dogs. | ||
| Because I don't own no fucking dogs. | ||
| I got four crack babies. | ||
| And I don't have an animal. | ||
| This was back in the day when I was a little girl. | ||
| But that's what we used to do It is a big thing in the South, period I knew a guy who had 30 pit bulls in his backyard He had these boxes The dogs lived in these little dog houses And they were chained to a post And they were in his yard And I didn't see it My friend was telling me about it But I knew the guy He lived down He lived in Kentucky Yeah, we lived in Kentucky, and they fought dogs. | ||
| Well, we only did. | ||
| It was just kids. | ||
| Whoever dog gets the best of whoever dog, that's the winner now. | ||
| So if I thought Pop Pop was about to go down on his back, I would jump in and put your dog in a chokehold, because I like wrestling. | ||
| With dogs? | ||
| Yeah, I would freaking fold the shit out of your dog. | ||
| I was not losing them now, Lady Joe. | ||
| We didn't eat a lot. | ||
| I couldn't lose my only meal that day. | ||
| Your only meal was an hour later? | ||
| Some days, and me and Pop Pop would sit on the sidewalk. | ||
| We'd whoop this ad, they would Pop Pop, and we'd split the now later. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| There's a lot of people right now listening like, is this lady for real? | ||
| And I can assure them that you are. | ||
| I'm for real, y'all. | ||
| You've had a crazy fucking life, you know? | ||
| I mean, there's so many people that are insulated from the kind of life that you've had. | ||
| They don't know anybody like you, you know? | ||
| Oh, I'm realizing that Chris, my producer, I scared the shit out of him. | ||
| He's like, why are you yelling at me? | ||
| I'm like, Chris, I'm not yelling. | ||
| You know when a black woman is yelling. | ||
| When she go to twisting her neck and taking off her wig and unbuckling her bra, I'm yelling. | ||
| I'm just talking. | ||
| My voice, I have a deep voice and it carries. | ||
| You know what's crazy? | ||
| Like I said, he's a little white kid from Indianapolis. | ||
| So I'm talking on a podcast and I'm teaching him about black pussy incense. | ||
| You ever heard of that? | ||
| Black pussy incense? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know that you burn. | ||
| The black people used to burn in their house. | ||
| I know about incense, but I didn't know about black. | ||
| Yeah, it used to be called Black Pussy. | ||
| He swore me down. | ||
| It wasn't real. | ||
| So we put out the podcast. | ||
| Everybody was like, my mama say Black Pussy Incense. | ||
| It was the best scent out there, Joe. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You look like, what did it smell like? | |
| I like incense. | ||
| Yeah, that was the name of it. | ||
| I told him about it. | ||
| He's like, what are you talking about? | ||
| I'm like, I'm telling you, black pussy incense. | ||
| Everybody listen to R. Kelly and burnt black pussy incense on a Saturday morning cleaning their house. | ||
| Everybody listen to R. Kelly and burnt black pussy incense. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| So every week I'm teaching him something that he has never heard of. | ||
| What do you think about all this R. Kelly shit? | ||
| I think you did it, Joe. | ||
| I mean, but people just looked away. | ||
| You know, I tell a bit on stage, I say something about a big dick man, big dick black man that can't read. | ||
| They puts it down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They have awesome women. | |
| Can't read. | ||
| They put it down. | ||
| My first kid's father couldn't read. | ||
| When they ain't got no side teeth and they can't read, they got the best sex because they practice all the time. | ||
| Black men who can't read don't have sex like black men who got a 9 to 5 who can't read. | ||
| The sex is totally different. | ||
| Because they're not tired. | ||
| Because they practice. | ||
| All they do is practice on women. | ||
| My husband got to go to work, Joe. | ||
| He ain't got time to be flipping me over, slapping me across the head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He ain't got time for all that ghetto love. | |
| Oh my God, I'm crying. | ||
| He ain't got time for all that ghetto love. | ||
| But when you got a brother that can't read and don't work, the best sex. | ||
| Now, he ain't gonna go to work, but he gonna watch The Young and the Restless. | ||
| And Housewife of Atlanta. | ||
| But when you know when he get back, that dick is laying on that pillow for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| I know what Whitney Houston went through. | ||
| Everybody was like, Bobby ain't for Whitney. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, that's a dick Bobby putting down. | |
| And you know he had to work even harder because he had more money than him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Somebody had a meme they put up on Instagram the other day of how every dude whose girlfriend is paying for everything stands and it's like a guy standing with his arm deep around the girl, like deep around holding on to her while they're waiting in line for things. | ||
| Baby, in public, always baby. | ||
| Holding her hand. | ||
| You can't get my husband to hold my hand. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because you pay the mortgage. | ||
| I called home yesterday. | ||
| I said, I love you. | ||
| He said, thank you. | ||
| I'm in the bed. | ||
| I was on the phone with my friend one day. | ||
| So I said, listen to my husband. | ||
| My husband's funny as fuck. | ||
| So I said, hey. | ||
| I said, baby, you want some pussy? | ||
| He said, not at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
laughter laughter Not at all! | |
| My friend said, did he say not at all? | ||
| And I said, guess what? | ||
| He's snowing already. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's snowing already. | |
| We have that type of relationship. | ||
| I said, hey, I'm going to need you to fuck me on the 14 because I think I'm ovulating. | ||
| I need to get some stuff out my chest. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| He said, not at all, Joe. | ||
| We bought a sleep number bed. | ||
| And he was like, because his knee was messed up. | ||
| I bought his sleep number bed. | ||
| I'm going to put it out every night. | ||
| I'm like, fuck yeah. | ||
| So I had just got to deal with Fox for my TV show. | ||
| So I walk in there. | ||
| I walk in the damn sleep number like a real Negro when they get some money. | ||
| Give me the best fucking bed you want because I'm going to fuck every night. | ||
| They sold me a $13,000 sleep number bad, but I should have known he wasn't going to do shit because he was insisting on getting a metric that split down the middle. | ||
| You know, the two metrics are separate. | ||
| That shit split down the middle, and now every time I want to have a set, I got to tell him, hey, you want to come to America and get some pussy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
wake up to America wake up to America wake up to America Who's got the harder side? | |
| He do. | ||
| He do. | ||
| He's like, I ain't fucking with you on that mattress. | ||
| It's too soft on that. | ||
| Come over here. | ||
| And then we done gave up. | ||
| We just fucked in the middle. | ||
| And by the time we get through, the fucking mattress done fell off the bed because we in the middle of the whole lap. | ||
| And half of the time, just chips and shit just stuck in the middle of the bed. | ||
| The remote, my wig, everything sits in the middle of the bed. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| As soon as I get my TV show, I'm going to buy me a mattress that put us back to fucking gather. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't like that sleep number bed. | ||
| I tried that thing. | ||
| I was too confusing. | ||
| I didn't like it. | ||
| He loves it, Joe. | ||
| Every time I come home, he got his feet in the air like he had a gynecologist visit. | ||
| Oh, it's one of those deals. | ||
| Yeah, and it heats up. | ||
| I'm like, this mattress is only good for heating your balls up. | ||
| We could have got you a blow dryer. | ||
| I'm heating your balls up. | ||
| They sell mattresses now that cool you. | ||
| Mark Sisson was contacting me. | ||
| I was telling about that before, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want to get one. | |
| It seems awesome. | ||
| Yeah, Sisson was just telling me about that. | ||
| I'm going through menopause. | ||
| I might need to get that through. | ||
| I'm going to be heating up, Joe. | ||
| I'm like, I'm having a hot flash now, and I don't want to drop my titties on your table. | ||
| You got AC in here. | ||
| I don't feel it, Joe. | ||
| We'll turn it up for you. | ||
| AC can't stop no hot flash. | ||
| It's like five minutes. | ||
| I'm heating up now. | ||
| And it goes away? | ||
| Yeah, it goes away. | ||
| What is that caused by? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You got to ask Mary. | ||
| I don't know what Mary did in the beginning. | ||
| Was Mary with Jesus? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, Mary with Jesus. | ||
| Wasn't that Jesus' mama? | ||
| I don't read the Bible. | ||
| Who do you mean? | ||
| Mary. | ||
| Mary. | ||
| But who do you mean when you're saying Mary? | ||
| You got to ask Mary. | ||
| No, I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm talking about Eve. | ||
| The lady who started the period. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| Oh, that bitch. | ||
| Yeah, she fucked everything up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Listen to that talking snake. | ||
| Yeah, that talking snake. | ||
| I mean, them cramps ain't no joke. | ||
| And now I'm having a hot flash all because this bitch bit an apple. | ||
| God, can you give me an opportunity to bite an apple? | ||
| I won't bite the apple. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Take the hot flashes away. | |
| I'll be on a plane, my titty heat up, and white men next to me don't understand why I got my titty in my lap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm sorry. | |
| Faming yourself off. | ||
| Yes, yes, yes. | ||
| So it comes and goes? | ||
| It'll last five minutes and then back to normal? | ||
| It'll last a few minutes and then it'll go back to normal. | ||
| Like I'm cooling down now. | ||
| So like out of nowhere you just get hot? | ||
| Yeah, and it hits you in different places. | ||
| Like mine is good between my titties or on my neck. | ||
| Some people sit up under their arms, you know. | ||
| Yeah, a smile hit me right here in my titties. | ||
| My titties heat up. | ||
| Like, if you touch them down, it's about 95 degrees. | ||
| Don't touch them because you're married, but I'm just saying I don't want you to burn your fingers. | ||
| Here it goes. | ||
| More than two-thirds of North American women who are headed into menopause have hot flashes. | ||
| They also affect women who start menopause after chemotherapy or surgery to move their ovaries. | ||
| It doesn't say anything on why it's North American. | ||
| That's what I was wondering. | ||
| It says, what is a hot flash? | ||
| It's a sudden feeling of heat, sometimes a red flush face and sweating. | ||
| We don't know exactly what causes them, but they may be related to changes in circulation. | ||
| I guarantee if they happen to men, they'd know exactly what caused them. | ||
| Oh, they'll fix that shit. | ||
| They figure it out. | ||
| Oh yeah, they'll fix that joke. | ||
| If they can fix a soft penis, yeah. | ||
| They'll fix a man dick, but we can't do nothing with our body. | ||
| Stop fixing soft dicks and everything else will be soft. | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't think that would work. | ||
| They already fixed that. | ||
| So they can't say stop fixing soft dicks. | ||
| They'd have to like unlearn. | ||
| They'd have to unlearn Viagra. | ||
| Look, just let the man dick do what it do. | ||
| When it die, let it die. | ||
| And that's at the point where the lady need to know she need to put some cocoa butter up on it and help it slide across her thigh. | ||
| I don't think that's going to help either. | ||
| When it's over, it's over, right? | ||
| I guess, yeah. | ||
| People think that they would be happy when it's over. | ||
| Like, good, finally, it's over. | ||
| Women are happy when their peers don't come on no more. | ||
| Why can't men be happy when their penis don't work? | ||
| Because for men, your dick not working is a sign of you're not a man anymore. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, you feel like you're not a man anymore. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, I don't feel like I'm not a woman no more when my period stops. | ||
| We be happy. | ||
| Yeah, but it's different. | ||
| If your pussy's dried up and became useless, like sealed up, Like nothing? | ||
| You know, like maybe you meet a man. | ||
| Maybe you and your husband get divorced. | ||
| You met a man. | ||
| He's beautiful. | ||
| He can't read. | ||
| So he's got good dick. | ||
| And he gonna put it in and flakes fall off? | ||
| And it's just a mess down there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Yo, I'm black. | ||
| It grows real thick. | ||
| So it's always a mess down there. | ||
| Yeah, I call it neppy grip. | ||
| What got a Jackson 5 afro? | ||
| I mean, for some women it matters, but I guess because I started really early. | ||
| I want health care. | ||
| No dick. | ||
| You ain't gotta do that to me. | ||
| Just take me on a trip. | ||
| But for men, though, it's like a sign of... | ||
| Weakness? | ||
| Yeah, it's a weakness thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you don't feel like a man anymore. | ||
| But if you love that person, I think you're willing to deal with the softness. | ||
| Yeah, especially if you don't want any dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But if you want dick, and his dick is soft, you start getting angry. | ||
| You put ice cream sticks around it. | ||
| Oh, like a brace? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like someone with a broken leg? | |
| You break your leg in the forest and you have to fucking strap it to some twigs. | ||
| What else were they doing before Viagra came along? | ||
| I don't know what they were doing. | ||
| Sticking them in the freezer? | ||
| That's why they kill rhinos, you know. | ||
| Rhino horn? | ||
| They think rhino horn gets you dick hard. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It doesn't do shit. | ||
| Do you eat it? | ||
| I guess they make a tea out of it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It doesn't even work. | ||
| But guys have been taking rhino horn forever to try to get their dick hard. | ||
| And so much so that now that it's forbidden and it's expensive because it's forbidden, it's like a sign of luxury. | ||
| Like you're drinking rhino horn tea. | ||
| It's a big thing in apparently some Asian countries with really wealthy people. | ||
| They don't even have dicks in Asian. | ||
| They don't? | ||
| I mean, I heard they were small. | ||
| Well, I have a girlfriend that has six Asian babies, right? | ||
| But she don't have any stretch marks. | ||
| From the babies? | ||
| You know, most women get stretch marks. | ||
| Right, but I don't think that has to do with dick. | ||
| But I'm saying, Asian men make small babies. | ||
| So, I'm just assuming... | ||
| Well, what if it's like... | ||
| I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. | ||
| Who's the basketball player? | ||
| What's the giant dude? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yao Ming. | |
| Yeah, Yao Ming. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What about that guy? | ||
| Even if he has a normal size dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He ain't got no dick. | |
| He's too tall. | ||
| He ain't got no dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's too tall. | |
| I guarantee you he pisses on the top of his pants. | ||
| It's a way a man... | ||
| LeBron James is tall too. | ||
| He got a lot of dick. | ||
| I saw that dick on TV that day. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| When he went to go scratch, I was like, I'm not into a young dick like that, but that was nice. | ||
| I'll tell you somebody else who got a nice... | ||
| Nicki Minaj's ex-boyfriend safari, he broke the internet with it. | ||
| He broke the internet with his dick? | ||
| Oh my God, he had a curve in it, Joe. | ||
| It could probably lift a weight in this fucking weight room right here. | ||
| It was so big, it couldn't even fit on an iPhone. | ||
| It was only iPad action. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I was sending it to everybody. | ||
| Bitch, look! | ||
| You're blessed today. | ||
| You're blessed. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And he made a little five minute video and that thing was swinging like the American flag on top of a building. | ||
| It was nice. | ||
| I want my stomach done once I finish losing weight. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I want my titties lifted. | ||
| You don't know my titties, Joe. | ||
| Just kidding. | ||
| Getting put under is what I worry about. | ||
| Well, shit. | ||
| I mean, I want my titties lifted. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| It's hard when you got big titties and they all in your lap and shit when your bra come off. | ||
| Do you want your wife to walk out of the shower with her titties look like they been in a drive-by? | ||
| I feel you. | ||
| I understand what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah, so I want my titties lifted. | ||
| I want my stomach done. | ||
| I want you to stay alive, Miss Pat. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| I want you to stay alive. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| I want you to be happy. | ||
| I love you, too. | ||
| I'm going to give me a rejuvenation, too. | ||
| Pfft! | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't do it. | |
| Don't get it tightened up. | ||
| I thought you said you don't even want any more dick. | ||
| Why are you getting it tightened up? | ||
| I'm going through panting liners like pampers. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| But will rejuvenation fix that? | ||
| I don't know, but I got a leak that a palmer can't fix, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no. | |
| What is exactly leaking? | ||
| What's happening in there? | ||
| Just coughing. | ||
| I'm wet. | ||
| He's my friend, y'all. | ||
| That's the only reason I can tell him I be pissing on myself. | ||
| That's alright. | ||
| I mean, I don't want no Kim Kardashian and my nose. | ||
| I'm okay with my black nose. | ||
| You have a beautiful nose. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I don't want my cheeks pulled back. | ||
| Don't do anything like that. | ||
| Joe, I would like to get my stomach done so I can see my vagina. | ||
| It's been a long time. | ||
| We've been disconnected for a long time. | ||
| Have you ever gone on a diet? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Didn't like it? | ||
| Is it over? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it over? | |
| I had weight loss surgery. | ||
| I lost 100 pounds and it just stopped. | ||
| So I called the doctor and he was like, it stopped. | ||
| He was like, you gotta go to the gym. | ||
| I'm like, no! | ||
| So you lost 100 pounds just dieting? | ||
| No, I had weight loss surgery about two years ago. | ||
| When I first came out, it was real juicy. | ||
| I was almost 400 pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Real juicy? | |
| So you had the stomach staple thing? | ||
| No, I had my stomach cut. | ||
| It was easy as hell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I was almost right at 4. Wow. | ||
| So you lost 100 pounds, and then they told you to go to the gym, and you're like, fuck you. | ||
| Well, I'm just so busy. | ||
| There's no fucking excuse. | ||
| Why don't you get a trainer? | ||
| That could be another podcast. | ||
| You complaining at the gym. | ||
| That shit would be hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, I would be complaining. | ||
| That would be hilarious. | ||
| You want to hear something crazy? | ||
| My kids are fat. | ||
| Because usually if the parents is fat, the kids are fat. | ||
| My son was 410 pounds, Joe. | ||
| And he was living in this white neighborhood and he couldn't get no pussy. | ||
| And he literally went on a diet. | ||
| Joe, when I tell you this boy is 220 pounds... | ||
| And every night when we go to bed, he go in the pantry and throw away the junk. | ||
| And I said, you got one more time to throw away my motherfucking food. | ||
| He's like, y'all can't eat that. | ||
| He read everything. | ||
| He just go to the gym. | ||
| He was fat as fuck. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Titties. | |
| His titties gone. | ||
| His stomach flat. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| What does he do? | ||
| What kind of exercise? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I can call him his name Junebug. | ||
| Junebug? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not his real name. | ||
| That's his nickname. | ||
| Yeah, nickname. | ||
| So he's just a gym addict. | ||
| He's into it now. | ||
| He's a fucking gym addict. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| He's like, I'm going to make this whole family lose weight. | ||
| I said, not today, bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why don't you do a podcast with him? | |
| Junebug and Mama at the gym. | ||
| Do you know how funny a video of you at the gym would be? | ||
| Just you complaining and talking shit while someone gets you to work out? | ||
| That would be goddamn hilarious. | ||
| Junebug, we're going to do a podcast, but he's going to try to kill me, Joe. | ||
| But if you just listened to him and did it and did a video, I guarantee you that would get a shitload of views. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, me and Juma, you're going to help my... | ||
| Well, actually, I'm getting ready to move to L.A. for the pilot of my show. | ||
| You're going to move here? | ||
| I'm going to move here for a little bit. | ||
| For how long? | ||
| Well, we're going to shoot the pilot. | ||
| So if the pilot get picked up at Hulu, so I'll be here doing the shoot, and then I'm going to go back home. | ||
| I can't take all these nice titties running around here. | ||
| So, I'm going to bring Junbug out with me. | ||
| Bring Junbug to start filming videos. | ||
| You ought to see him. | ||
| Like, he had big titties like mine. | ||
| They're gone. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love stories like that. | ||
| And he just did it. | ||
| I know what it was. | ||
| He couldn't get laid. | ||
| Well, that'll be a motivator. | ||
| Yeah, and I asked him, I said, son, be honest, because he told me, he said, mama, because, I mean, I'm doing a little bit now. | ||
| I probably lost like 15 pounds since I've been dealing with Jumbo. | ||
| He said, mama, when you lose weight, when you start to lose weight, he just texted me when he said, do you come on your period? | ||
| I said, what do you mean? | ||
| I'm your fucking mama. | ||
| He's like, what do you mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want to be in the room while these conversations are happening. | |
| I said, why are you asking me that? | ||
| He said, because when I help you lose weight, your period is going to come back. | ||
| I said, my fucking period is not going to come back. | ||
| Was your son a doctor? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He just read all the time. | ||
| Joe, I lost like 12 pounds and my period came back. | ||
| I said, bitch, my period came back. | ||
| He's like, I know, mama. | ||
| You stopped up from all the fat. | ||
| I said, I don't think it worked like that, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stopped up. | |
| Jesus Christ, I just got a visual. | ||
| Stopped up. | ||
| Like the London subway. | ||
| He told me I was stopped up, Joe. | ||
| But my cycle came back. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck you do to me? | ||
| My period came back. | ||
| He's like, mama, the more I work with, the more you gonna flow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Meanwhile, he's right. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| So he just reads a lot about fitness and health? | ||
| I'm telling you, Joe. | ||
| How old is he? | ||
| He's 19. And what is he doing? | ||
| He works at Enterprise. | ||
| He should get together with you. | ||
| Fuck Enterprise. | ||
| Just you two together, working out, making YouTube videos. | ||
| That would be huge. | ||
| Yeah, especially if I can get on like him. | ||
| He's like, Mama, I'm going to get you in shape. | ||
| And my daughter is on a plus size, too. | ||
| He's like, I'm whipping all y'all asses in shape. | ||
| All because he just popped up and said, I'm sick of being fat. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| He said he was sick of being fat. | ||
| My baby, if you go to my Instagram, he's on there. | ||
| He's 220 now. | ||
| I'm like, Jumba, stop. | ||
| He's like, no. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I mean, he got a chest, Joe, stomach flat. | ||
| He looks good. | ||
| And I asked him, I said, son, did your dick get bigger? | ||
| Because I remember being really small. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| He's like, it's better, mama. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| When you're fat, your dick gets smaller? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hell yeah! | |
| That bitch go up in your stomach. | ||
| Your navel become your dick when you're real fat, Joe. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| You should do that. | ||
| Look, I talked you into doing a podcast. | ||
| I'm going to talk you into doing this. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| Okay, Junebug. | ||
| I know you're going to see this. | ||
| Junebug, please. | ||
| You and your mom at the gym. | ||
| It'll be gigantic. | ||
| I'll help you. | ||
| I'll promote it. | ||
| I'll put it up on Twitter and Instagram. | ||
| Please do this. | ||
| Joe, he's going to kill me. | ||
| I got to go in there with a depend on. | ||
| Imagine if he gets you in crazy shape. | ||
| Imagine if you get to bikini shape. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| I ain't been like that since the third grade. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need a bikini shape though. | |
| I'm telling you, Joe. | ||
| Imagine if he could do that, though? | ||
| Imagine if he does that. | ||
| Joe, you don't know how happy I would be if I could just look straight down and see shit. | ||
| A lot of times, the food that you crave is the food that you eat. | ||
| So if you eat food that's not healthy for you, that's what you're craving all the time. | ||
| Your stomach gets used to it. | ||
| What they call your gut biome. | ||
| Your stomach bacteria wants sugar and bread and pasta. | ||
| As soon as you start eating healthy food, your body starts craving healthy food. | ||
| Your body will start craving salads and lean meat and chicken and fish. | ||
| That's all you eat, too. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| And you know what else? | ||
| We don't drink water, but I do now. | ||
| He makes me drink water. | ||
| He literally called me, Mama. | ||
| Because I can do one liter a day. | ||
| I'm up to one liter. | ||
| What do you drink besides water? | ||
| I drink coffee in the morning, and after that, no more coffee. | ||
| I have to have one cup. | ||
| Coffee's fine. | ||
| Yeah, I do put sugar and cream in it. | ||
| I got full crack, baby. | ||
| I need something to calm my nerves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I understand. | |
| So I told my son, I can't give up my coffee right now. | ||
| So I drink coffee only in the morning, and then I drink all day. | ||
| I work on a liter of water, and he literally go through the house and tell us what we can and can't eat. | ||
| Which is, I be wanting to punch him in the face, but I am losing a few pounds with him. | ||
| Like, you know, I got these back wing arms like grandmama, and he's like, mama, I'm going to get all of that off of you. | ||
| Because he had fat arms too and big titties. | ||
| I mean, he lost all of it. | ||
| And I'm so proud of him. | ||
| You could do it too. | ||
| Yeah, because I was told him, I said, look, you're 19, you're on insurance to 26, they will give you weight loss surgery. | ||
| And he's like, I don't want that. | ||
| I said, son, go get the weight loss surgery. | ||
| Then I get your titties taken off and your stomach tuck. | ||
| He's like, mama, that don't sound like no manly thing. | ||
| Because I had it all planned out. | ||
| I was going to get his tummy tuck and his titties cut off. | ||
| And then I was going to get him weight loss surgery. | ||
| And my fat daughter, she fat. | ||
| And I said, I'm going to get your tummy tuck. | ||
| I'm going to get your stomach cut. | ||
| And then I'm going to buy you an ass because she have no ass. | ||
| And then I told my husband, he don't have no ass. | ||
| I was going to buy him an ass too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| You're biting everybody asses. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| People are getting cancer from that. | ||
| Asses? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not when they take the fat from you. | ||
| No, not when they take the fat. | ||
| We got a lot of fat. | ||
| They're getting cancer from the implants. | ||
| What, titties? | ||
| Ass implants. | ||
| Oh, I ain't gonna do no ass implants. | ||
| You didn't see my ass? | ||
| I got big ass. | ||
| You do. | ||
| There's no issue. | ||
| But some people who get ass implants, they're starting to get cancer. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Because those ass implants are only a few years old. | ||
| You know what I don't understand? | ||
| I'm from the inner city of Atlanta. | ||
| When we was coming up, Joe, if you wanted titties and ass, they had this thing going around, and I did a podcast on it. | ||
| I said, black people didn't know what plastic surgery was. | ||
| So the deal was, you take that government butter, and you rub it on your titties and your ass, and they said it'll make it grow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not lying to you. | ||
| That's what we used to do back in the day. | ||
| Did it work? | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| Yeah, but... | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| I don't think it's from the butter. | ||
| Everybody, I know rub butt on the ass. | ||
| You don't know that government, butter. | ||
| That shit won't melt up on the hot water, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It won't? | |
| That's that shit they said to the ghetto to kill everybody. | ||
| Joe, I gotta tell you this story. | ||
| So one time we was in the tub and my neighbor was like, just put the butter on your titty and your ass. | ||
| We put the butter all on my mama. | ||
| She said, no, you bitches ain't got my butter on y'all. | ||
| You know that shit gotta last me 28 more days. | ||
| She took that stenchy card and she hit us and that motherfucker stuck in that butter. | ||
| She said, She gave us one of them wooden food. | ||
| She said, scrape my shit off you bitches. | ||
| We're not scraping her butter all off us. | ||
| She put that shit back in the refrigerator and she beat these shit out of us. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| She scraped the butter off your tits and put it back in the fridge? | ||
| We were poor. | ||
| We couldn't waste all that good butter, Joe. | ||
| Oh my god, that is hilarious. | ||
| She beat the shit out of us planting her butter. | ||
| Imagine if butter really did that. | ||
| All you had to do to get big tits and a big ass just rub butter on it. | ||
| Hey, I've had titties since the fourth grade, so that's when I did it. | ||
| I think you just have good genetics. | ||
| No, Joe, my mama didn't have no titties. | ||
| Yeah, but sometimes it doesn't get your mom, but it goes to you. | ||
| Joe, I'm trying to sell this government butter to keep these women. | ||
| Don't do that educational shit, Joe. | ||
| Don't break it all the way down for the ladies. | ||
| Let them try the butter before they try the poison. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So go out and get you some good old government butter that won't melt and just sit on it like a fucking bird trying to hatch an egg. | ||
| Just sit on it. | ||
| Yeah, just rub it all on your booty and stuff. | ||
| And they just have a seat on it. | ||
| And hopefully it'll make your booties and titties grow. | ||
| Imagine if it did work. | ||
| Imagine if that worked. | ||
| There's a lot of questions on Yahoo, people asking that. | ||
| Does butter make your butt bigger? | ||
| And then I found a product on Amazon called Butt Butter. | ||
| Y'all be thinking I'm lying. | ||
| Butt enhancement cream for smoother, fuller, and firmer skin. | ||
| I don't know if that's what I had when I was coming up. | ||
| Natural butt enhancement cream for women and men. | ||
| Plump booty enhancer lotion. | ||
| Butt firming and tightening cream. | ||
| Sexy butt. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| It was sexy butt lifter cream. | ||
| Butt enlarger cream. | ||
| This is horse shit. | ||
| Most likely. | ||
| It's got four stars. | ||
| Somebody grew an ass from it. | ||
| Nah, it's a bunch of people that are assholes that work for the company. | ||
| They're reviewing it. | ||
| 364 custom reviews. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Click that. | ||
| I need to read these. | ||
| Good one or a bad one? | ||
| The good ones. | ||
| Adding to my flat booty. | ||
| In my family, I inherited flat butt syndrome. | ||
| It's embarrassing. | ||
| It's embarrassing to have your butt hurt because you have no padding when you sit and have your pants fall because there's nothing in the back to hold them up. | ||
| After a week, I def notice something extra in the back I'll keep using. | ||
| That's the people that you want to buy your butt cream because they're morons. | ||
| That's like people that give money to preachers that fly in private jets. | ||
| Yeah, and that's crazy. | ||
| That don't work. | ||
| But I'm telling you, government butt will work, Joe. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Who would have known it works faster on your breast than on your butt, but it's work buying more. | ||
| This is not real. | ||
| It is real. | ||
| Look at me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm a 48. Look at you with the glasses. | |
| Yelling at me. | ||
| I can't see shit, Joe. | ||
| It's hilarious though! | ||
| When you're yelling with those giant glasses on, it's so funny! | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| Oh my god, but listen, these fucking, the people that are writing these reviews, not only does it work... | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Works. | ||
| Not only does it works, it increased my breast size. | ||
| They probably should change the name to Breast and Butt Enhancement Butter. | ||
| I know it for the butt. | ||
| I know it for the butt. | ||
| So I figured, let me see, will it do anything for my breast since it's, in quotes, all natural. | ||
| So I did so. | ||
| Within a week, my breast was fuller. | ||
| Last time I seen them this size was right before it was time to breastfeed. | ||
| My baby is now nine years old. | ||
| So imagine what we was doing in the ghetto. | ||
| I'm telling you, that thick ass butter. | ||
| Maybe it does work. | ||
| Watch how many people who know what I'm talking about from the South say, Joe, we did that. | ||
| And it worked. | ||
| I assume I grew titties and butt. | ||
| Well, you should have done it on one titty. | ||
| Didn't it? | ||
| What? | ||
| Just to see. | ||
| No, Joe, I wanted them to be even. | ||
| I know, but there's only one way to find out if it actually works. | ||
| One cheek, one tit. | ||
| You balance it out. | ||
| Left cheek, right tit. | ||
| Well, I'm going to find that butt butter and rub it on my crack baby, one of her titties, and see if they grow uneven. | ||
| Just don't even tell them what you're doing. | ||
| Just put it on one titty. | ||
| Okay, I'm gonna have to get her to do it. | ||
| I don't think I feel appropriate. | ||
| Yeah, how old is she now? | ||
| She's nine. | ||
| Yeah, it's too late. | ||
| No, no, she's... | ||
| When they're like four, you can do it? | ||
| You have a five-year-old I can test it on. | ||
| But she already got a big-ass booty. | ||
| Oh, well. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm gonna get some of that and see if it worked. | ||
| My husband will kill me. | ||
| Imagine if that was... | ||
| I don't know if it's true, but I don't think it is. | ||
| It doesn't make sense, but then again, I'm not a scientist. | ||
| I'm telling you, it's like that peanut butter that they used to send to the ghetto to choke nigger rolls out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did he do? | |
| I love you. | ||
| Well, I love you too. | ||
| What did they do? | ||
| That peanut butter that they used to send to the government used to give black people peanut butter to choke them out because they didn't want to choke them out. | ||
| That thick-ass peanut butter, you had to heat it in the microwave and heat it on the stove like you about to cook a scrambled egg for it to thin out so you can spread it on the sandwich. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Then they found out later on they were going to kill us. | ||
| It was thick as fuck. | ||
| It came in a can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The government peanut butter, Google it! | ||
| There was some dude on Instagram who was in school, some kid in school, and they were, you know, they feed him cheese sandwiches for lunch, and he was lighting the cheese sandwich, he was like, look at this cheese! | ||
| Look at this shit! | ||
| And he's lighting, he's got a lighter to it, it would not melt. | ||
| It was just turning black. | ||
| It was just getting black from the smoke from the lighter. | ||
| It was not melting. | ||
| It wasn't cheese. | ||
| He's like, what the fuck kind of cheese is this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It wasn't real cheese. | ||
| There's this parts of America That the government ignores, right? | ||
| Yeah, me. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You got through. | ||
| I got through. | ||
| You made it through the net. | ||
| Yeah, but then they only come to you when they need your vote. | ||
| They only come to the... | ||
| Like black pastors. | ||
| They like black pastors. | ||
| You know, that's why I don't go to church. | ||
| I tell them all the time, I'm tired of church's chicken. | ||
| You get more for your money. | ||
| Church's chicken's better? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| $2 Tuesday, get you two pieces of chicken and a biscuit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What you talking about, y'all? | |
| But leave that Popeye's alone on Tuesday and go to churches. | ||
| Yeah, but did they have the spicy? | ||
| Yeah, they got spices now, yeah. | ||
| That's the thing that Popeye separated from everybody else. | ||
| I'm not giving no pastor my money. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| And riding out there. | ||
| I mean, hey, the Bible is free. | ||
| They in every hotel. | ||
| Just steal the Bible out of the hotel like everybody else used to. | ||
| I'm not going to give you my money. | ||
| Now you out here buying jets and shit and I'm struggling. | ||
| Now you fucking the hoes in church. | ||
| You ain't sharing the hoes in church no more. | ||
| They're fucking the hoes in church? | ||
| Oh yeah, they beat some fucking... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't go to church. | ||
| The hoes go to church with no underwear on to get the pastor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Oh, fuck the first lady. | ||
| They don't care about the first lady no more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| The hoes wear no underwear in church to lure the pastor in? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Really? | ||
| The pastor's as sexy as fuck. | ||
| Remember back in the day? | ||
| Well, you might not remember because you white, but back in the day, the pastor... | ||
| Back in the day, the pastor was ugly. | ||
| All the pastors were ugly like T.D. Jakes. | ||
| They was unfuckable. | ||
| But now they all sexy. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Now they all sexy. | ||
| I mean, everybody won't fuck the past. | ||
| You know, that's what they said when they made Catholic preachers become celibate. | ||
| One of the reasons why they made them become celibate is because the Catholic preachers were banging all the ladies. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they were like rock stars. | ||
| Because they were the ones who had the word of God. | ||
| And this was before anyone could read the Bible because it was all in Latin. | ||
| So they didn't know how to read Latin. | ||
| So they relied on these priests to read it. | ||
| Look at Joel Osteen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| He's fuckable. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I would imagine so. | ||
| He's good looking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you think he gets some? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I give him some. | |
| And not in Jesus' name, either. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No one's name. | ||
| He's sexy. | ||
| Do you give him some? | ||
| Shit. | ||
| I don't even do white men. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah. | |
| But I would do Joel Osteen. | ||
| In the pulpit. | ||
| Do you think he gets some? | ||
| He got a wife. | ||
| Yeah, but other than her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hell yeah! | |
| Think he gets him on the side? | ||
| I'll be inside, bitch! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't y'all come fucking with me by Joe Austin. | |
| I'll be inside, bitch! | ||
| And I let him call me that, too. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, you pay the bill. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him. | |
| He cute. | ||
| And he ain't aged at all. | ||
| Look at that forehead of hell. | ||
| He's sexy. | ||
| How old is he? | ||
| He is. | ||
| 50? | ||
| I bet he does have a six-pack, right? | ||
| Yeah, he got a six-pack. | ||
| Was that his wife in the upper right-hand corner? | ||
| Go back. | ||
| 56? | ||
| Looks good for 56. For a white man? | ||
| Is that his wife? | ||
| She's hot. | ||
| Yeah, she has some plastic surgery, too. | ||
| Let's just say it's his wife. | ||
| Kapow. | ||
| Yeah, he good-looking. | ||
| Take that, Joel. | ||
| Joel is good-looking. | ||
| He's got a goddamn arena. | ||
| They are the new drug dealers. | ||
| They're the new pimps. | ||
| Remember pimps had holes and they go on the corner and slap their holes and get their money? | ||
| Well, the church is like that now. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| He does it in Vegas at the same arena where the UFC plays. | ||
| I thought he was in Dallas. | ||
| He goes all over the place. | ||
| He goes on the road sometimes. | ||
| Oh yeah, they go on the road now. | ||
| I think he's in Houston or Dallas. | ||
| Somewhere in Texas. | ||
| Houston. | ||
| So he does that, but he also does giant arenas on the road. | ||
| He does the T-Mobile Center where the UFC plays. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| The size of that place. | ||
| Nah, you can keep that. | ||
| How many of those bitches in the audience have no underwear on? | ||
| Probably about 60%. | ||
| I smell like I'm crazy I'm crazy Joe, I stopped going to church when they started charging for meals. | ||
| I don't fuck with no church. | ||
| Oh my God, I can't breathe. | ||
| You ain't noticed that? | ||
| I didn't know that they were banging that many. | ||
| Go to church and smell the front row. | ||
| Does it smell like an oyster bar? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It smells like ovulation. | ||
| Ovulation. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| They try to, hey, that's how you have a baby by a man like Joe Onstein. | ||
| He can pay the child's vote on time. | ||
| I would imagine if you're the type of person that wants that much money, right? | ||
| You want that much money, you want private jets, you want big houses, you're going to want some extra pussy. | ||
| Hell yeah! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He gonna get tired of banging the same plastic face white woman. | ||
| She look good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| He's gonna get tired of her? | ||
| But he want somebody like me with the titties that move on the inside. | ||
| Move on the inside? | ||
| Yeah, you know, I got the real titties, so my shit go all over the place. | ||
| Oh, and hers are... | ||
| Yeah, they just firm. | ||
| They just one position, up straight. | ||
| That's weird that people like that. | ||
| They like them hard and erect. | ||
| Yeah, I got them titties you gotta pick up and dust off. | ||
| Slop them around? | ||
| No, dust, because everything I eat fall in my bra. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| I like how I've grossed you out today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't gross me out, I'm laughing. | |
| You gonna be at home like, no, this bitch, you. | ||
| I'm telling you, sometimes just the other podcasts we've done, I'd stop in the middle of the day and go, what the fuck? | ||
| Thinking about me? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Some of the shit, well, mostly about the tragedies, mostly about your childhood. | ||
| It's funny now, Joe. | ||
| It's just that I took, you know, I say on stage, I said, when you can laugh at what you've been through, then you got control of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| The only reason why I can laugh about being shy, and I even, my husband hates this bit I do. | ||
| I do a bit about my first kid's father, you know, giving me crabs, gunnery, and fleas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm He gave me fleas? | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| He gave me a combo with no toy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking fleas? | |
| I mean, people get crabs. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| But when someone gives you fleas, like, what the fuck? | ||
| But back in those days, the health department would come and pick you up and say, hey, your pussy on fire. | ||
| We need to put it out. | ||
| They pick you up? | ||
| Yeah, they used to pick you up in a lot all the time. | ||
| How would they know? | ||
| Because he gave somebody else crap going around fleas. | ||
| So some bitch would report everybody he was messing with. | ||
| And I was always on that list. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| So I was like, how can you tell people that? | ||
| I think it's funny that they used to come get me and me and the health department man had a relationship. | ||
| Now, we weren't sleeping together. | ||
| He just said, hey, your pussy was on the list again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And my husband's like, how can you tell people that? | |
| I said, I think it's fucking hilarious. | ||
| I don't have an STD now. | ||
| But I was young, you know? | ||
| It was simple shit. | ||
| Gunnery, you get a shot in your ass. | ||
| And I remember they came one time, Joe. | ||
| And they knocked on the door and I said, oh my God, you here? | ||
| I thought you was going to let me burn up. | ||
| He's like, you puss on the list. | ||
| I'm here to put it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Psss! | |
| So... | ||
| So my... | ||
| Is that what he would say? | ||
| Would he actually say your pussy's on the list? | ||
| Pretty much. | ||
| He would call it your pussy. | ||
| He would say your pussy's on the list. | ||
| No, he said your pussy been reported. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your pussy been reported! | |
| So, my kid's father was there. | ||
| I was like, let's go together and get cured. | ||
| He's like, uh-uh. | ||
| I don't want to go. | ||
| Somebody might see me. | ||
| So, this is what he told me. | ||
| He said, look, it was gonorrhea. | ||
| When you have gonorrhea, you either get a shot or you take pills for seven days. | ||
| So, he said, look, go on to the health department, but don't get the shot. | ||
| Get the pills so we can split them. | ||
| So, I'm so stupid. | ||
| I come back and split the seven-day pills with them. | ||
| We still both got half a gonorrhea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ! | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| We didn't take the medication all the way. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's how stupid I was. | ||
| That is so crazy. | ||
| My husband's like, why you tell people this shit? | ||
| And everybody always think he gave me gun a rip and shot me and beat me. | ||
| Like, can you please tell these people I didn't do this shit to you? | ||
| How does he deal with you having this act? | ||
| Like when you go on stage and talk about all this shit, how does he handle it? | ||
| Does he cover his ears? | ||
| He only seen me once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He won't come see me, Joe. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| He came to see me with Cat Williams accent when I was opening up for Cat Williams. | ||
| But that's the only time. | ||
| He's got to know that you're funny as fuck. | ||
| How does he not want to see that? | ||
| He don't want to see it, Joe. | ||
| Well, tell him to come to the comedy store tonight because you're going to be there for the 1030 show. | ||
| Hell yeah, I am, but he's in Indianapolis. | ||
| He'll watch your fucking podcast and tell my daughter, oh, she was so fucking funny. | ||
| But he's not going to directly say to me, you was so fucking funny. | ||
| But he's my biggest cheerleader. | ||
| I mean, you know, I've been doing this 17 years. | ||
| You know how many times I had to max that man's credit card out to go and do a guest spot? | ||
| So, you know, but he would not come see me. | ||
| He's like, look, I live with you. | ||
| I hear this shit every day. | ||
| But he gives me back. | ||
| Like, he's funny to me. | ||
| Like I told you, he said, not today. | ||
| I don't want to pussy today. | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| Yeah, not at all. | ||
| He say some of the funniest shit. | ||
| But he's, you know... | ||
| I can't believe he's only seen you do comedy once, though. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| One time out of 17 years. | ||
| That's a good one, though, to open for Cat Williams. | ||
| Are you still in touch with Cat? | ||
| No, but I love Cat. | ||
| Can't nobody tell me shit about Cat Williams. | ||
| I'm a big fan. | ||
| When my daddy died, and I just got a job with Cat Williams, he walked in and he was like, what are you doing? | ||
| I said, my daddy died. | ||
| Like two days before he called me on a tour. | ||
| And I said, I'm just trying to get this money together to raise him. | ||
| Cat Williams go to the bank and come at me with a stack of money. | ||
| He gave me like four grand to bury my daddy. | ||
| And I was like, you don't have to do this. | ||
| And I was like, I'll work for you. | ||
| He's like, look, no, go bury your daddy. | ||
| Because before he did that, I was about to put my fucking daddy in a potato sack and stick him in the ground. | ||
| Because we ain't got no money. | ||
| And I tried to do the fish fry in the white neighborhood. | ||
| They don't know nothing about no fucking fish fry on no Tuesday. | ||
| And Cat Williams gave me the money to bury him. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, so can't nobody tell me shit about Cat Williams. | ||
| He's crazy, but he's funny as fuck. | ||
| He's one of my favorites all the time. | ||
| And he tell the fucking truth, too. | ||
| If you go back to the Pimp Chronicles, he's in his prime. | ||
| Those are some of the best specials ever. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He's a funny motherfucker, and he's so original. | ||
| So original. | ||
| That is him. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| His delivery, his style, everything. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| Can't nobody tell me shit about no Cat William. | ||
| Because of Cat William, I was able to finish my basement after that tour. | ||
| He gave me some, not gave me, but he gave some great advice once about comedy. | ||
| One of the things he said is, don't eat before you go on stage. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, why would you? | ||
| You don't eat before you fight. | ||
| Why would you eat before you go on stage? | ||
| Because it causes your body, your body when you eat, has to break down that food so it's using up energy. | ||
| Like some of the energy that you would have to do stand-up is now breaking down that food in your body. | ||
| That's why I be about to fall asleep on stage. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Yes! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit! | |
| I gotta stop eating! | ||
| Just don't eat right before you go on stage. | ||
| Just eat afterwards. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I listened to him and I was like, that makes so much sense. | ||
| And also, he has a playlist of music that he plays right before he goes on stage. | ||
| Like, sets it up. | ||
| Like, puts him in the mood to go on stage. | ||
| Yeah, I do that, too. | ||
| I do that, too. | ||
| I like a lot of... | ||
| I want to say Outkast, but that ain't what I'm going for. | ||
| Who the fuck can rap out of this? | ||
| Carly B. Oh, that little nasty thing. | ||
| That's what I would be if I had a body like that. | ||
| Oh my God, that girl got a tongue that'll drag and float. | ||
| She's that person in my head that I want to be. | ||
| I listen to a lot of Carly B. I like her. | ||
| Maybe you can get that body. | ||
| Maybe Junebug get you in that gym. | ||
| Get on that elliptical machine. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Junebug, we're going to need you to help your mom out. | ||
| Come on, Junebug. | ||
| And stop your mom from peeing on herself. | ||
| Just change up the diet. | ||
| I'm working. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I swear the next time you see me, I'm going to look like you. | |
| Don't do that. | ||
| If you didn't go too hard, I'll tell you to go to a different doctor. | ||
| I'm lying. | ||
| But if you did that, I'm telling you, if you did a video with your son and your son getting you to the gym and did that regularly on YouTube, Junebug and Miss Pat. | ||
| Just do that. | ||
| That shit would be hilarious. | ||
| It would be so funny. | ||
| Because, you know, I curse my kids out. | ||
| Well, especially when they're making you do shit that you don't want to do, like working out, like doing sit-ups and shit and squats and all that. | ||
| Spread my legs wide that ain't never been used that way since the 80s. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You about to rip my butthole. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Junebug, we doing it. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| Definitely do it. | ||
| I bring one of those Bluetooth speaker things with me. | ||
| I have one of those JPL extremes. | ||
| I bring that with me and I put it in the green room and play music. | ||
| I usually listen to music on my... | ||
| You talking about before performing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I listen to music on my headphone. | ||
| On your phone, yeah. | ||
| But you get yourself in the mood. | ||
| Do you have a drink before you go on stage? | ||
| I don't drink alcohol. | ||
| At all? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing? | |
| What about weed? | ||
| I don't do any weed. | ||
| No drug. | ||
| You don't smoke any weed? | ||
| Nothing? | ||
| I grew up in a crack environment. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| I just don't... | ||
| I mean... | ||
| You don't need it. | ||
| Alcohol does nothing for me. | ||
| It makes me sleepy. | ||
| And my mama was an alcoholic. | ||
| And I used to always say, I'm going to be nothing like this bitch. | ||
| And so... | ||
| Mission accomplished. | ||
| Yeah, so I don't do it. | ||
| My whole family drink, and I just don't do it. | ||
| I don't smoke weed. | ||
| I was just telling them earlier, like Junebug tried to smoke weed one time with his white friends, but they were so stupid, Joe. | ||
| They didn't know how to roll the weed, so they got the copier paper off the machine and rolled the weed in there. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Yeah, and Tommy lit it. | ||
| It just burnt, and all the weed fell in his chest, and I beat the dog shit out of Junebug. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I told him, I don't buy enough grocery for you to create an appetite. | ||
| You're already fucking fat. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And I just told my kids when they was young, I said, look, I told my son I kill. | ||
| I said, look, I get food stamps and I don't get enough food stamps for your weed habit. | ||
| So we're not going to do drugs. | ||
| We're not going to join gangs. | ||
| We're not going to do drugs. | ||
| It's us, motherfucker. | ||
| So we're not going to do it. | ||
| So, but Junebug is the only kid I ever had that really tried to dab into weed. | ||
| That's a weird way to do it, though. | ||
| Copy paper. | ||
| It's terrible for you. | ||
| They would go to the ghetto and buy the weed out of where I live at. | ||
| They would go over to the ghetto. | ||
| So I said, Juma, how much weed do you buy? | ||
| 1.5 grams. | ||
| What the hell is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| And I called the police on them. | ||
| What are you? | ||
| I did. | ||
| I called the police on him to shake him up, right? | ||
| You called the police on him? | ||
| Yeah, but I said, hey, we black, so leave your guns in the car. | ||
| So come over here and shake my son up. | ||
| The police get over there. | ||
| The police and Junebug's son go to school together. | ||
| This motherfucker come over there and start crying. | ||
| We love you, Junebug. | ||
| I said, I didn't call you over to fucking cry. | ||
| Now we all cry. | ||
| I was crying. | ||
| So that didn't help. | ||
| But eventually, I think he's going to start smoking now. | ||
| He's going to stop or start? | ||
| I think he stopped. | ||
| I ran off all his friends. | ||
| I told him, I said, look, your white son just lost his only black friend. | ||
| I'm going to fuck your white baby up. | ||
| Bring him back over here with the weed. | ||
| Then do more like everybody at my school say you a snitch. | ||
| I said, fuck him. | ||
| I whooped them white boys ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen, you're a snitch. | |
| Because I called our parents over. | ||
| I called all the parents. | ||
| I said, they over here smoking weed. | ||
| And looking at some little white girl pussy on the phone. | ||
| I said, Junebug, you black. | ||
| You know how much time you need for this white pussy floating on these phones? | ||
| Oh, like a girl from the school? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, you can get in trouble for that. | ||
| Yeah, so I put the Chromecast, the picture. | ||
| And I called all the parents. | ||
| I said, who white baby pussy is this? | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You put it on the TV? Yeah, I put it on the TV. They was pissed off at me. | |
| Look, keep these bitches away from Junebug. | ||
| Junebug in 10th grade. | ||
| They little dick. | ||
| It's real, real small right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's fat. | |
| Trying to kill my baby. | ||
| Trying to get my baby locked up for some white pussy. | ||
| You don't fuck with white pussy. | ||
| You ain't got enough dick and you ain't got enough sense. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| So? | ||
| So you had the parents come over and you had it on the television. | ||
| I said, who white pussy this is? | ||
| What the fuck did they say? | ||
| I can't believe you did this. | ||
| What the fuck you mean? | ||
| It was on their phone. | ||
| Your son looking at it, too. | ||
| They stormed up out of there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They stormed up out. | |
| They wouldn't speak to me at no... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now, fuck y'all. | |
| I don't need no friends. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I said, don't you ever in your life violate no girl. | ||
| She gave it to one of the football players. | ||
| He just passed it around to everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Yeah, and I told him, I said, June Buck, think about it if it was your sister Garriano. | ||
| He's like, Mama, Garriano ain't getting naked. | ||
| And if they did, couldn't nobody see nothing. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But that's just the stuff I went through. | ||
| He's the only one that ever really tried me. | ||
| Because my other kids, you know, I tell my crack baby, I say, look, I'm going to take you out in public. | ||
| But you got an option. | ||
| Do you want the ghetto mom or do you want the soccer mom? | ||
| And they don't like the ghetto mom. | ||
| Because the ghetto mom would knock the shit out of them in public. | ||
| And I give them an option. | ||
| And we get in public. | ||
| And white people always come to me like, oh, my God, your kids are so well disciplined. | ||
| I said, I told them I was gonna fuck them up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did they say when you said that? | |
| They just looked like, what? | ||
| I said, you should fuck your kids up too. | ||
| I tell them, I said, I will fuck you up. | ||
| Don't play with me. | ||
| I feed you. | ||
| When we was coming back from the Disney cruise, they was all playing with those little things that separate, you know, when you're in line. | ||
| So I told them like three, four times, stop. | ||
| It was my grandbaby and it was the full crack baby. | ||
| So they wouldn't stop, Joe. | ||
| I slapped all of them at the same time. | ||
| All the white people were like, what the fuck? | ||
| I said, what you looking at me for? | ||
| You want some too? | ||
| I ask them to stop by four times. | ||
| Don't play with me. | ||
| You know my nerves bad. | ||
| I've been shot a couple times. | ||
| Y'all motherfucking know I'm crazy. | ||
| And I just tell them that. | ||
| They good kids. | ||
| They good kids now. | ||
| Oh, they know I fuck them up. | ||
| I have a lot of bits about them because, like, I do this bit about, I used to do this bit about the teacher's school calling me all the time. | ||
| White schools call you for anything. | ||
| Anything, Joe. | ||
| I mean, just dumb shit. | ||
| Black school, we tell them, look, bitch, that's your child at 230. Don't you wake me up. | ||
| So one of the bitches I used to tell, they called me by my niece Yolanda because she was sitting at the crayon table with her little white friends and they were talking about their daddies. | ||
| So Yolanda said, well the next time I see my daddy, I'm going to stab him in the neck. | ||
| And all the white kids started crying. | ||
| And they asked me to come up there in an emergency, to come up there to talk to them. | ||
| I get up there, I'm like, ma'am, she can't stab her daddy in the neck. | ||
| The nigga in jail, somebody else is going to stab him in the neck. | ||
| Don't wake me up for this bullshit. | ||
| So they don't know how to handle anything. | ||
| And I had to set the school down. | ||
| I said, look, these kids are from the hood. | ||
| They only talk and do what they know. | ||
| You got to give me time to help them grow. | ||
| But then they wanted to put them on medication. | ||
| I said, what we wouldn't... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Medication? | |
| Yeah, because they didn't know how to deal with them. | ||
| They had so, so much. | ||
| Like their mama was into whoring. | ||
| Their daddy was into drugs. | ||
| Their daddy was beating on their mom. | ||
| And they didn't know how to handle them. | ||
| And I said, look, we're going to help them grow together. | ||
| I said, well, what we're not going to do, we're not going to put these kids on medication. | ||
| What we're going to do is surround them with love. | ||
| They so good now. | ||
| Out of five years, this baby just now passing the I-STEP test. | ||
| It took a minute to get there, but he's finally there. | ||
| What's ISTEP? Those standardized tests they give kids. | ||
| And the kids just wasn't ready. | ||
| And you know, I threw them in this neighborhood. | ||
| I threw them in an environment that they wasn't used to. | ||
| And then, you know, they talk their language. | ||
| You see how country I am? | ||
| Well, they talk straight streets. | ||
| Sometimes I'm like, what the fuck are y'all talking about? | ||
| We bowdy-bowdy. | ||
| No, the fuck you ain't. | ||
| You better sit there before I bust you across your head. | ||
| We bowdy-bowdy? | ||
| Yeah, they ready to rumble. | ||
| They ready to fight. | ||
| The little boy was like, I'm bowdy-bowdy. | ||
| I said, put your fucking finger down before I break it. | ||
| But I had to retrain him because what he saw in the hood wasn't going at my nice little white school. | ||
| Right. | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, they're adapting. | ||
| Well, they're good now. | ||
| They're good now. | ||
| But imagine all the kids that don't, and you can imagine because it was you, but all the kids who don't have someone like you. | ||
| Well, my niece is 20 years old, 21, and she's six kids, and she's in jail for 20 years for knocking on people's door and robbing them. | ||
| So her kids is in a situation. | ||
| So just imagine all the kids. | ||
| I think about it all the time, especially when it's my family member. | ||
| But, Joe, I had to realize this. | ||
| I can't save the world. | ||
| You can't save everybody. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| I try to save one at a time, and that's all I can do. | ||
| That's all you can do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is all you can do. | ||
| I can't save the world. | ||
| I mean, I can't live if I keep trying to save the world. | ||
| No, well, you won't be able to do what you're doing that's helping people, too. | ||
| One of the things that you're doing that's helping people is you're making people laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, that helps a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, people fucking need that. | ||
| They need it so bad. | ||
| There's so many people right now with their headphones on in their cubicle laughing their ass off right now. | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| They need it. | ||
| People need it. | ||
| Go listen to the pat-down after Joe Rogan, of course. | ||
| They listen to that for sure. | ||
| They're going to subscribe. | ||
| Guarantee you. | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I mean, you know, I did a show last night at the Virgil here in L.A., and a man came up to me and said, man, my dog died today, and I've been crying all day, but I want to tell you how much you helped me fucking relieve. | ||
| I said, oh, I'm sorry about your dog. | ||
| Did you burn him up? | ||
| You burn him up. | ||
| He actually started laughing. | ||
| You know, after they die, you got to burn him up, cremate him. | ||
| Cremate him. | ||
| Yeah, I asked him that. | ||
| He actually started laughing. | ||
| But, I mean, I get that all the time. | ||
| And, you know, laughter is what healed me. | ||
| When I was able to write my book and, you know, started doing comedy, especially, like, it was one story now about my mama's boyfriend who molested me. | ||
| And I had never told that story over 30-something years. | ||
| My husband didn't know. | ||
| The only person to know is me and my sister because it always happened to us at the same time with him. | ||
| And I never told that story. | ||
| And I remember when I was writing my book, the lady who co-wrote my book, she was like a... | ||
| You gotta tell the story. | ||
| And I said, well, I gotta ask my sister. | ||
| And I get my sister on the phone, Joe. | ||
| And I was like, Maypop, that's her name. | ||
| I said, you ready to tell what Mr. John did to us? | ||
| And we both just boo-hooed. | ||
| And we told some of the story. | ||
| We got off the phone. | ||
| And it took, for me to tell that story, it took almost a week. | ||
| Me and the writer cried so much. | ||
| Because I had all of that built up in me. | ||
| But I'm so happy I was able to tell that story now. | ||
| Because that was the only story I had never told public about how my mama boyfriend did me and my sister from the age of probably six or eight to I was 11 years old because I started my kid's father was 21 and I was 12 when I met him so I started having six at 12 so when he started touching me my kid when I got a boyfriend my mama my mama boyfriend left us alone Once you got a boyfriend. | ||
| Yeah, once I got a boyfriend. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| So, that was the only story I had never told, but when I told it, I felt like I lost 20, probably 100 pounds. | ||
| I felt like it, but it didn't go anywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But I just felt a relief. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, I know laughter. | ||
| I just know laughter does a lot for me, so I know it does the same for other people. | ||
| God damn, you've had a crazy fucking laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I laugh at every inch of it, too. | ||
| Well, that's the only way you can... | ||
| I mean, what you've done is... | ||
| I mean, you've done the ultimate take a negative and turn it into a positive. | ||
| I try. | ||
| I try really hard. | ||
| But you mean you really have? | ||
| Because your sense of humor is so fucked up. | ||
| But it's because of your life that it's so funny. | ||
| I mean, that's why it works. | ||
| If you had a cushy life and you were saying the shit that you're saying, it wouldn't be funny. | ||
| No, it wouldn't be. | ||
| No. | ||
| And that's one of the things with my husband, like when I was sharing with, like my kid's father shot me and beat me, you know, most of your listeners kind of know who I am. | ||
| They know my background. | ||
| And one of the things when I started sharing my life, my husband had that protective mode. | ||
| He didn't want me to, you know, he knew how negative the world could be when I started to share these stories so I could see what he wanted to step in and protect me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, when people would judge me. | ||
| You know, like, I dropped out of school in eighth grade. | ||
| When my husband went to the military, he had a mom and daddy had a way better life than me. | ||
| So he would always be there to, like, be that protector. | ||
| Like, I was like, oh, they think I'm stupid, or they think I'm this. | ||
| And I just, I just, he helped me grow a backbone to say, fuck what people think about you. | ||
| I mean, because there was so much screwed up stuff in my head. | ||
| Like, one of the things my mama taught me about white people. | ||
| Like, I didn't deal with white people. | ||
| I mean, let's be honest. | ||
| I'm from the hood. | ||
| There was a police or the fucking case worker. | ||
| My mama told me, she said, white people are better than you. | ||
| Never look them in the eye and they're the fucking devil. | ||
| So my whole life, Joe Rogan, I was scared of white people. | ||
| And when I wrote the book and I told the lady this, when I would see white people, I would immediately look down. | ||
| Well, that's what the slaves used to do. | ||
| And that's what the book lady taught me. | ||
| And I was like, I can't look them in the eye. | ||
| And then she was like, why? | ||
| And I told her the story. | ||
| And I told my husband the story. | ||
| And he said, Pat, he said, we're all the same. | ||
| Your fucking mama is stupid. | ||
| And I used to tell you, I used to tell a bit. | ||
| I said, the only difference between me and you, white woman, is my titties is bigger than yours. | ||
| But I was in my late 20s when I learned that. | ||
| Because when I moved to Indianapolis, I couldn't talk to you. | ||
| I fucked my ribs. | ||
| And I would immediately say, I'm stupid. | ||
| And I would look away. | ||
| And when I started coming to Indianapolis, my fan base turned white. | ||
| And I was like, why the fuck y'all like me? | ||
| Get away from me. | ||
| I used to say that to myself. | ||
| And my husband sat me down and was like, Pat, we all the same. | ||
| Your fucking mom is stupid. | ||
| I'm like, we are? | ||
| And I was in my late 20s, but I had never, ever dealt with white people like I dealt with them when I moved into that community. | ||
| And I'm glad because it taught me a lot as a young girl out of the inner city of Atlanta that we are all the same. | ||
| The problem with this country is we don't fucking talk. | ||
| No communication. | ||
| Well, there's that, and then there's these communities stay the way they are. | ||
| Like, whether it's Baltimore, where they had it set up, where black people literally weren't allowed to buy homes outside of certain areas. | ||
| Or any inner city, like, you know, inner city in Houston, or New York, or anywhere, where the neighborhoods stay the same. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They stay the same forever. | ||
| For generation after generation, yeah. | ||
| Crime, poverty, all the drugs, everything stays the same. | ||
| And it does. | ||
| You know, Joe, my kids are fucking, they blessed. | ||
| They don't realize how blessed they are. | ||
| And sometimes I get so pissed off at them. | ||
| Like, they go to this really nice high school where I live in Indiana. | ||
| They get their little laptops and, you know, they get new books every fucking year. | ||
| Joe, when I went to school, it was so many niggas' names wrote in that same book where Eddie had done checked it out every year. | ||
| You had to flip a page and you had seen Ramon, Tyrone, ta-da-da-da. | ||
| Three pages of kids who had that book before you. | ||
| And it pisses me off because, you know, I look at it and I was like, well, this is the old curriculum where, you know, my kids are getting a new curriculum every year. | ||
| And it's still like that in certain parts of America. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And it pisses me off. | ||
| I was like, y'all, you guys don't realize how blessed you are. | ||
| You come in and throw this fucking thousand dollar pad on the floor that this school done gave you. | ||
| Take shit for granted. | ||
| Like, my daughter would literally hold up the school bus because she wanted to walk slow because she was fat. | ||
| So the lady called me and was like, Miss Pat, every day I got to wait on Garyana to get on the bus. | ||
| And I've asked her several times to be at the bus stop when I get there. | ||
| And I said, ma'am, leave that bitch. | ||
| Leave her. | ||
| You leave that motherfucker. | ||
| She'll get there on time. | ||
| But you know, they pamper them in my neighborhood. | ||
| I said, don't you dare pamper my black kid. | ||
| Leave that bitch, because I'll leave her. | ||
| You ain't in the car when I get in the car, bitch. | ||
| Bye! | ||
| Bye! | ||
| My kids know, you better get in the car and fuck you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't want to school. | |
| I mean, my daughter would come in the house one time and say, I need you to take me to Starbucks. | ||
| I'm like, why? | ||
| Cool kids come to school at Starbucks. | ||
| I said, bitch, you better go to school. | ||
| I said, it's night. | ||
| I said, you crazy if you think I'm going to get up at 6 o'clock in the morning and take you to Starbucks. | ||
| You better take your fat ass to Starbucks at night and get you a cup and put you some hot chocolate in the morning. | ||
| I'm not getting up at no 6 o'clock to make you cool, but they do that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's a status thing? | ||
| Yeah, it's a status thing. | ||
| Come bring me my lunch. | ||
| I left my lunch. | ||
| I tell my kids, if you leave some, you didn't fucking want it. | ||
| Because I'm in the bed with no wig and no bra and yesterday pussy. | ||
| I'm not getting up. | ||
| Yesterday's pussy? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| How's that work? | ||
| Because I went to bed last night and they watched it before they called me. | ||
| Oh, so it's yesterday's. | ||
| It's yesterday's pussy. | ||
| So I'm not getting up. | ||
| You crazy as hell. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| Nobody gave me nothing. | ||
| Do they understand that no one gave you anything? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hell yeah! | |
| Do they get it? | ||
| They get it. | ||
| Yeah, they get it. | ||
| But they like, nobody want to hear your poor stories. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| No, listen. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| A lot of people want to hear it. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| My cable got cut off one day, right? | ||
| So I go in the house and my cable cut off and I tell my husband, I was like, did you pay the fucking cable? | ||
| My husband, oh my God, I forgot to pay the cable. | ||
| Go turn the cable on before the keys get on. | ||
| I was like, fuck these keys. | ||
| You know how many times I had to look at a fuzzy TV and thought it was snowing? | ||
| I'm not going to bed. | ||
| Fuck these kids. | ||
| I don't care about these kids. | ||
| But he broke his neck to pay the cable bill because he don't want the kids to ever know what it's like to not have light gas. | ||
| Fuck these kids. | ||
| They fat. | ||
| They can miss a couple meals. | ||
| Joe, I didn't cut that cable back on. | ||
| But he broke his neck. | ||
| He did? | ||
| He came home and cut it on. | ||
| I don't go out the way for you. | ||
| I love you, but I tell you, I don't love you like Jesus do. | ||
| He love you unconditionally. | ||
| I will stab the shit out of you. | ||
| I loan my kids money. | ||
| You gotta pay me back. | ||
| My daughter called me. | ||
| She said, can I borrow $3,000? | ||
| I said, bitch, you got the wrong number. | ||
| $3,000? | ||
| Yeah, to buy her a car. | ||
| I don't got nothing to do with that shit. | ||
| I got my car, Joe. | ||
| My car paid off. | ||
| I drive a little old ass cruise that my crackhead niece left I bought for her. | ||
| That's what I drive every day. | ||
| My shit paid off. | ||
| I'm not buying you no car. | ||
| Well, bitch, you was on my phone bill for three years and you never paid your phone bill. | ||
| So how you gonna pay me back $3,000? | ||
| What did she say to that? | ||
| I called you back. | ||
| I said, I bet you will. | ||
| I said, this is my money. | ||
| I worked hard for this money. | ||
| I know you was there when I was selling crack and forging check, but you had joys and nice shit. | ||
| I know that your life was hard, but if you had to live it over again, I mean, it made you who you are. | ||
| It made me who I am. | ||
| I wouldn't change anything. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I was going to ask you. | ||
| But it's a fucked up thing to ask someone when they tell you they're molested by your mom's boyfriend and that you had a baby with this guy when you were 14 and he's married and another one and by the time you're 16 you're pregnant with a third. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No one would ever sell and crack, getting shot in the tit. | ||
| No one would ever ask you to live that life again. | ||
| But you wouldn't change it. | ||
| I don't know, Joe. | ||
| I mean, it made me who I am. | ||
| But I always, I look at life like this. | ||
| I think I would, you know, everybody couldn't have dealt with the stuff that I dealt with like I dealt with it. | ||
| Like, some people commit suicide, people always depressed, you know. | ||
| I kind of feel like I was the chosen one. | ||
| God take you through something to make other people see. | ||
| Maybe I took burden that everybody else was going through in life. | ||
| I was the chosen one. | ||
| Then I bring it out and make it funny. | ||
| I'm here to let people know it's okay. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| It's not about how you start. | ||
| It's about how you finish. | ||
| I don't dwell on shit I don't have control over. | ||
| I can't change the past. | ||
| But let's laugh today. | ||
| And I tell people every night on stage, when you can laugh about it, you got control of it. | ||
| That's a powerful thing, to be able to look at your life like that and just take ownership. | ||
| Yeah, you know, like, my first kid's father, he hates me. | ||
| He fucking hates me. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because I'm not that little girl rabbit anymore that he had control of, that he beat. | ||
| And, you know, I was a little girl searching for love. | ||
| In this whole situation, I learned to love myself, Joe. | ||
| Are you still in touch with him? | ||
| Yeah, I talked to him. | ||
| He be cussing me. | ||
| He's like he's not in jail. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I be telling. | ||
| I'm like, dude, you're a child molester. | ||
| He's a child molester. | ||
| I'm not a child molester. | ||
| I remember when I needed closure. | ||
| And I was out here in L.A. And I'm starting to tell these stories about my life. | ||
| And I just wanted him to apologize. | ||
| You know, he shot me in the back of the head. | ||
| Fucking beat me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| So I wanted him to apologize. | ||
| And I was like, why do you need him to apologize? | ||
| I said, I just want to hear. | ||
| I just want to tell you, Rabbit, I'm sorry. | ||
| So I called him up and I said, Darryl. | ||
| We started talking. | ||
| Oh, shit, I said his name. | ||
| Darryl, you're going to jail. | ||
| So I called him and I asked him to apologize. | ||
| And I said, how can you fuck a 12-year-old and you grown and you married? | ||
| You know what he said? | ||
| He said, your mind and body wasn't 12. And that shit kicked me in my fucking chest like a horse. | ||
| And I boo-hooed. | ||
| And that day, Joe, I decided I was no longer going to ask me to forgive him. | ||
| I decided to forgive him. | ||
| I forgave my mama. | ||
| I forgave my mama's boyfriend and everybody else that stepped on me. | ||
| And I said, no longer am I ever going to want to... | ||
| I say from that day on, I'm never going to ask y'all. | ||
| I'm never going to ask you again. | ||
| I decided to forgive you. | ||
| And that day I forgave him, my mom, and her boyfriend, and everybody else that ever violated me. | ||
| Because there was so many other people that I still don't talk about. | ||
| But I forgave them. | ||
| That's a very powerful thing. | ||
| And I'm happy. | ||
| That is a very powerful thing. | ||
| If you can forgive people who've done terrible things to you and you haven't done shit to them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The people that want them to apologize, they chase them down, they want to get back, that you're eating yourself up. | ||
| You're eating yourself up. | ||
| And I was eating myself up because I just wanted him to say, I'm sorry, Rabbit. | ||
| And he never said it. | ||
| Well, once he told you that when you were 12, your mind and your body weren't young, you got to realize you're talking to a fucking idiot. | ||
| An idiot. | ||
| And I called my husband and I was crying. | ||
| He was like, Pat, why you keep... | ||
| I just want him to ask me to... | ||
| I just want him to say he's sorry. | ||
| That's all I want him to say. | ||
| And he was like, Pat, why? | ||
| And I remember hanging on the phone, and I got on my knees, and I rarely get on my knees, Joe. | ||
| And I got vertigo, so I don't get on my knees for shit. | ||
| If you know what I'm talking about. | ||
| So I just, I asked for forgiveness. | ||
| I mean, I forgave him. | ||
| That day I forgave him and my mama. | ||
| Because him, my mama, and her boyfriend, John, is three of the people that I hated the most. | ||
| Because she didn't protect me. | ||
| And when we once tried to tell her that her boyfriend was doing that to us... | ||
| You know, he wouldn't listen. | ||
| She wouldn't listen because this man was providing. | ||
| It was the only time in my life that we didn't get evicted because he was touching me and my sister. | ||
| He was always saying, well, if you tell your mama, y'all gonna get put out. | ||
| Y'all ain't gonna have no food. | ||
| So we always thought we was happy. | ||
| We always thought we was happy. | ||
| So, you know, but I forgave him. | ||
| And, you know, they was already dead, but he's still alive. | ||
| He's still alive. | ||
| My kid's father's still alive. | ||
| And you want to know something crazy? | ||
| And I never told anybody this. | ||
| So people are like, why you don't go to your mama's grave site? | ||
| You know, a lot of people are like, I don't like fucking with the dead. | ||
| I figure they want to rest. | ||
| Leave them to fuck alone. | ||
| They don't want to hear about this lively shit. | ||
| I don't go to her grave, y'all, because that motherfucker put himself next to her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He buried himself next to my mama. | ||
| So I said, fuck both of you. | ||
| I'm not going up there. | ||
| He's laying right next to her. | ||
| Last time I was there, before he died, I was there cleaning off some ants on top of a grave. | ||
| And, you know, I'm young. | ||
| I'm probably... | ||
| She died when I was 16. I'm probably 16, 17. I go out there with a gas can, pour it on top and light it on fire to get the ant bed off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to set the whole fucking grave off. | |
| That's how you got rid of the ants. | ||
| You poured gas on it and lit it on fire. | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| I haven't been back, Joe. | ||
| I haven't been back. | ||
| You don't need to go back. | ||
| I won't go back. | ||
| He's next to us. | ||
| So he wanted that control, so he got it. | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| I'm never going back. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| God damn, Miss Pat. | ||
| Every time I talk to you, I think I've heard it all. | ||
| Oh shit, Joe. | ||
| Give me some oligarch wine. | ||
| I can tell you a hundred other fucking stories. | ||
| Some what wine? | ||
| Olive Garden. | ||
| Olive Garden wine? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I love that shit. | ||
| I drink a glass of that and I tell you a million fucking stories. | ||
| I was telling a story. | ||
| I just started writing a bit about how my mama used to was a crapshooter. | ||
| And before she shoot the dice, she would line up her five kids and she would rub them on our vagina, up on our titties. | ||
| That was good luck for her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| She would rub the dice on your vagina and your titties? | ||
| Rub the dice on your pussy for good luck. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| Probably five or six. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| I don't want to tell the whole story because I just wrote a bit about it. | ||
| So y'all wait time to finish the fucking bit. | ||
| It's fucking hilarious. | ||
| You're not going to do it tonight? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, I'm not going to do it at night. | ||
| It's not all the way down, but my friend was like, Pat, you got to be lying. | ||
| I said, I called my brother. | ||
| I said, Bo, that's my oldest brother. | ||
| He's biracial, right? | ||
| My mama say we got the same daddy, but this motherfucker got good hell, so we know. | ||
| We know. | ||
| That ain't no Jerry curl, either. | ||
| So I said, Bo, do you remember when mama used to shoot dice? | ||
| She said, yeah, she's rubbing my motherfucking nuts all the time. | ||
| My friend's like, you know it's some shit when black people go like, who the fuck raised you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, I can't breathe. | |
| Did I fuck up your son? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I'm crying. | ||
| I can't breathe. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| God damn it, Pat. | ||
| And in all, I still laugh. | ||
| I love to laugh. | ||
| I fucking love it. | ||
| I know you do. | ||
| You make people laugh. | ||
| You're one of the funniest people I've ever met. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Thank you, Joe. | ||
| It's a fact. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| What a life you had. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| It's so hard to listen to as a person who has kids. | ||
| It's so hard to think about you being a little girl, having to go through that. | ||
| You know, people say, oh, Pat, you should get counseling, but honestly, comedy has been my counseling. | ||
| It is a form of counseling, for sure. | ||
| I was able to share with shit that I was angry about. | ||
| I'm no longer angry. | ||
| You're making people laugh. | ||
| I'm making people laugh. | ||
| Look, I'm fucking crying over here. | ||
| I'm literally crying. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you know, then you meet so many people who kind of have a story like you. | ||
| People always, oh, Miss Pat, you're telling my story. | ||
| Thank you so much. | ||
| I had a black lady tell me one time, she was like, I had my baby at 13. How can you talk about that? | ||
| I said, because, bitch, I'm happy. | ||
| And my child didn't have the life that I had. | ||
| So I'm happy. | ||
| You know, the only thing I ask for my kids, I say, I ask you, college ain't for everybody. | ||
| So I'm not going to force college on you. | ||
| But what you do owe me is a high school diploma. | ||
| And you do owe me the prom because I didn't have an opportunity to do none of that shit. | ||
| So all of them went to the prom, I picked out the outfit, and every one of them graduated from high school. | ||
| You know, my daughter was the first one in three generations to graduate high school and the first one to ever go to college. | ||
| Now, she didn't finish, but hey, my youngest daughter just finished criminal justice. | ||
| She has an associate's degree. | ||
| And, you know, every time they do it, they're like, I'm going to the prom for you. | ||
| They graduated high school. | ||
| They gave me their high school diploma. | ||
| My daughter was like, well, I just graduated from college. | ||
| Here go your degree. | ||
| I was like, bitch, you cum laude! | ||
| Cum laude, or whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about. | ||
| Straight A's. | ||
| Cum Laude. | ||
| Yeah, that's what she was. | ||
| She was cum Laude. | ||
| So, I mean, she didn't go to her graduation. | ||
| She didn't want to go to graduation. | ||
| So she booked it. | ||
| She had two options. | ||
| So she booked it on a day I was out of town. | ||
| But she's my first child that graduated college. | ||
| And I look back. | ||
| Here I am with an eighth grade education on a GED. And I was able to keep my kids from going down the road that I went down. | ||
| And, you know, most kids try to make their parents proud. | ||
| I try to make my kids proud, to let them know, it's not about how you start, it's about how you finish. | ||
| You know, I had to admit to my oldest daughter, you know, I used to sell drugs in front of her school, and I had to wake her up one time and I said, I want to apologize for being such a horrible mom in the beginning. | ||
| But I was fucking 14. You know, she was in houses where they had shootout ads. | ||
| She saw me sell drugs in front of her school. | ||
| I said, I made a lot of fucking mistakes, but I'm sorry. | ||
| Because I did what everybody else was doing in my community, trying to survive. | ||
| And that was one of the hardest things as a parent because a lot of parents hide their past from their kids. | ||
| But I literally went to my daughter because she hated me, Joe. | ||
| She fucking hated me. | ||
| She's like, why do you have to sell drawers in front of my school? | ||
| I said, because I was here first, bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| But, you know, I think, you know, we have a relationship now. | ||
| You know, and then I went off to jail and I missed her going to kindergarten. | ||
| And then I grew up in a community where if you was gay, something was wrong with you. | ||
| You know, my daughter, she gay as fuck. | ||
| She eat everything in Atlanta. | ||
| She Pac-Man with the pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| So, you know, I had to deal with that, too, because she ran out for a while when she wouldn't, you know, when I, she didn't want to tell me she was gay, because, I mean, I had this thing where if you were gay, there was something wrong with you. | ||
| I fucking hated gay women. | ||
| And I used to say this on stage, and I used to say, white men, when you hate niggas, there's a good chance your white daughter gonna come home with a big dick nigga. | ||
| My daughter came home and she was gay. | ||
| And it opened my fucking world to the gay community. | ||
| And now, like, I remember when my daughter came out and I was like, you must be ashamed that your daughter's gay. | ||
| So, uh-uh, bitch, your daughter's a hoe. | ||
| So, your daughter's gonna take way more dicks than my daughter do. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And immediately, I love my daughter. | ||
| I love all of my kids. | ||
| And I told Ashley, that's her name, I said, it's not about, I had to learn, it's not about your sexuality. | ||
| Do what make you happy. | ||
| And I will support you to the end. | ||
| As long as you happy. | ||
| Because you saw your daddy stop my face and shoot me and mistreat me. | ||
| So do what makes you happy. | ||
| Just don't do drugs, bitch. | ||
| But do what make you happy. | ||
| What made you not like gay women before that? | ||
| Because I was raised in the black community. | ||
| If you was gay, you know, we're the biggest motherfucker of black people who would throw a gay child out and tell you something wrong with you. | ||
| We talk to hate. | ||
| You know, especially that old school black community. | ||
| That's why, you know, people... | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| I don't know, Joe. | ||
| That's just how we was raised. | ||
| The black church. | ||
| Drilling in your head. | ||
| You know, if you gay, you going to hell and, you know... | ||
| So what happens with gay people in the black community? | ||
| A lot of them leave and never come back back in the day. | ||
| A lot of them wait to, you know, they fucking mental problems. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Like... | ||
| I don't remember a gay uncle or anybody. | ||
| But I know we, as a black community, you have to hide. | ||
| You had to hide back in those days. | ||
| So I was taught if you was gay, it was something wrong with you. | ||
| And when my daughter came out to be gay, it opened my fucking world up. | ||
| And I was like, do I judge my daughter over sexuality or do I love my child because it's my fucking child? | ||
| And I remember not seeing her for three years. | ||
| She just running. | ||
| She had dropped out of college. | ||
| She just going from state to state. | ||
| Damn near homeless. | ||
| A lot of them be homeless. | ||
| And I said, look, Ashley. | ||
| I said, are you gay? | ||
| I just want to hear it for myself. | ||
| She was like, yes ma'am. | ||
| I said, well come on home. | ||
| You can eat pussy in Atlanta. | ||
| It's cheaper. | ||
| And my child came home. | ||
| And we built a relationship. | ||
| And I was wrong. | ||
| Because she heard how I talked about gay people in the house. | ||
| It's almost like when you hear your... | ||
| If you're white and you hear your parents, I was like, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga. | ||
| Then you want to know, why is he talking about nigga? | ||
| You get curious. | ||
| And you go outside and you're like, it ain't what you think it is. | ||
| So when she came out, you know, when she came out, it opened my world. | ||
| And I'm happy. | ||
| I'm happy for my baby. | ||
| And I tell everybody, my daughter will eat the shit out of you. | ||
| She will dick you down with her scrap off. | ||
| But she's happy, Joe, and that's what it's all about. | ||
| That's all you can ask for. | ||
| All I ask is that she get a bitch to treat her right. | ||
| Now, she's a hoe right now, but, you know, new girl every six months. | ||
| Well, this new girl she got, she's been sticking with her for a long time. | ||
| I like the last girlfriend who used to call Bigfoot, but she got rid of Bigfoot. | ||
| Why'd you call her Bigfoot? | ||
| If she was a boy, she would have played professional basketball. | ||
| Big old feet. | ||
| Big old bitch. | ||
| I was like, where you getting that big bitch from? | ||
| Bitch taller than LeBron James. | ||
| But I liked her a lot. | ||
| Her new girlfriend, she growing on me. | ||
| But it's all about being happy. | ||
| It is all about being happy. | ||
| You've done an amazing thing with your life. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You took a terrible beginning and turned it into an amazing present. | ||
| You're one of the funniest people, I swear to God. | ||
| You're one of the funniest people I've ever met. | ||
| You're like a big time professional comedian. | ||
| People love you. | ||
| I think what you've done is amazing. | ||
| To come where you started from and to be who you are now, it's amazing. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I mean, and I tell people all the time, I'm a convicted felon. | ||
| Ain't shit else I can do. | ||
| Either you laugh or I'll rob you tonight. | ||
| But you're great at it. | ||
| You know, it's not just that you had a hard life. | ||
| You had a hard life and you worked hard to become a great comic. | ||
| Well, I had a hard life and I wanted to save my kids in the beginning. | ||
| I just didn't want my kids to go through what I went through. | ||
| So that was the biggest fight. | ||
| I was like, y'all ain't sticking your thumb in my baby asshole. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Y'all ain't going to do that to my children. | ||
| You're not going to jail. | ||
| You're not going to drop out. | ||
| You know, I just wanted my kids to have shit that I never had, which was a life. | ||
| And then, you know... | ||
| One thing in my book is about, I was searching for something. | ||
| I wanted a family. | ||
| I never had a family. | ||
| I never felt love like I felt today. | ||
| You know, I got a family. | ||
| I go home to a husband that sees me two times a week, but he still fucking loves me, even though he say, not at all. | ||
| laughter He's being funny. | ||
| Yeah, he's being funny, but I know I'm loved, y'all. | ||
| I know I'm loved, and I never had that as a child. | ||
| I planned vacation, they'd be like, oh, we got to do this. | ||
| Fuck yeah, we got to do this. | ||
| You want to know what it is to be without a family? | ||
| Fuck it, mama, we going with you. | ||
| We don't want to hear these horrible stories no more. | ||
| When I booked that Disney cruise, they was all pissed out, but they had a fucking ball. | ||
| And it was 22 of us, and we was there as a family. | ||
| And that's all. | ||
| I don't care to go when I go take them to the lake or take them out. | ||
| I don't care to participate. | ||
| I just want to know. | ||
| I just look at them and say, oh, my God. | ||
| I got what I fought for my whole fucking life of family to be loved. | ||
| And I'm loved, Joe. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| And that's all I ever wanted. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| I don't give a fuck about the fancy car. | ||
| I care about the nice wigs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| But listen, you and Junebug, you're going to start this YouTube series. | ||
| I promise. | ||
| You're going to work out together. | ||
| And then The Pat Down is available on iTunes. | ||
| It's available everywhere. | ||
| Your book. | ||
| It's still out there. | ||
| It's doing really well. | ||
| It's called Rabbit. | ||
| Rabbit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Nominated for NAACP Image Award. | ||
| And we're working tonight. | ||
| And we're working tonight. | ||
| At the Comedy Store. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| God damn, that was funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. |
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