June 4, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:00:45
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| That's probably the way to do it. | ||
| We're cutting in right now. | ||
| Pow! | ||
| So what do they have? | ||
| Tell me about the tour bus. | ||
| Are you the tour bus champ? | ||
| No, no, no, he's not. | ||
| Let's hold up on labels till we hear the story. | ||
| I've only won one victory in this whole thing. | ||
| Who's the tour buster? | ||
| You came so close to the weight loss. | ||
| You did come close. | ||
| Then we had one year where it was like socialist. | ||
| It was like Marxist. | ||
| No one could lose. | ||
| Even if you lost, it didn't matter. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| That was camaraderie. | ||
| Yeah, that was a good year. | ||
| This year's gotta be a good one. | ||
| Listen, last year I almost killed myself. | ||
| Yeah, we gotta do it differently than that. | ||
| You were peeing fucking purple. | ||
| It wasn't purple, but it wasn't the right color. | ||
| What color was it? | ||
| I was worried I had brown. | ||
| I was worried, but it wasn't. | ||
| It was just dehydration. | ||
| Severe dehydration. | ||
| There was days where I would drink literally like fucking gallons of water. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't want ice? | ||
| I'm going to try it without first. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| I was drinking so much. | ||
| I was drinking water and I was adding salt to it. | ||
| I was adding Himalayan salt to the water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Just because I know I was dehydrating myself so much. | ||
| I would have puddles on the ground. | ||
| That still wasn't sufficient. | ||
| Dude, I set off an alarm. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| I set off a fire alarm in the gym for my sweat. | ||
| I've never heard of that. | ||
| I still have PTSD from last year's Sober October. | ||
| I get texts from you guys and panic sits in my heart. | ||
| My wife gets it. | ||
| She thinks I'm crazy. | ||
| It upsets wives. | ||
| You're the only one who ruined the home life. | ||
| Yeah, if I had come to New York, it would have been, I mean, LA would have been terrible to be here for an extra month. | ||
| But, like, I saw that fucking stupid device when I was moving. | ||
| I opened up a drawer and I was like, get it out, get it out of here. | ||
| It's like Chucky. | ||
| It's like Chucky, the little doll. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm coming for you! | |
| I think Leanne and Push are going to podcast this entire Sober October. | ||
| Don't let her. | ||
| After she threw you under the bus? | ||
| In the fucking radio station? | ||
| Tell that story. | ||
| The audience didn't hear that story. | ||
| You guys should do wife swaps. | ||
| Tell that story. | ||
| They were asking about drugs and how hard I party, and I was just talking shit, and I was like, you know, I go, I spoke a little bit of weed. | ||
| Every now and then, if cocaine's on a switchblade, I'll hit it, but for the most part, I don't. | ||
| I only do mushrooms once a year. | ||
| And Leanne just heard me and she's making breakfast for the girl. | ||
| She goes, he doesn't do mushrooms and he doesn't do cocaine. | ||
| He's got high blood pressure. | ||
| I'm like, bitch, I'm trying to move tickets in Dayton. | ||
| Were you under the bus? | ||
| Body Stop's World Tour. | ||
| Fall date's available now. | ||
| Is it available right now? | ||
| Dude, yeah. | ||
| Right now, right now, right now. | ||
| Right now, right now. | ||
| BurtBurtBurt.com. | ||
| You sound like you're coming off a coke bender. | ||
| We're all touring hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| But think about it, Tom. | ||
| When you first started going on the road with me, you're way further ahead now than I was back then. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| When he was opening for me. | ||
| We were doing clubs. | ||
| Yeah, we were doing clubs. | ||
| We were doing all clubs. | ||
| We started to do theaters when you started to headline your own places. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was pretty crazy. | ||
| Dude, it was quick, man. | ||
| I was thinking about that level you were at that we all thought was like, Damn! | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| I mean, you know why? | ||
| It's because you know someone. | ||
| You're like, it's accessible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right, right, right. | ||
| It seems normal. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| Like, oh, I could sell out this whole weekend, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then when you do, you're like, oh, shit. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| I'm a fucking comedian. | ||
| I'm a real comedian. | ||
| I sell out a club. | ||
| And it's just because we got in shape. | ||
| I didn't even think about it. | ||
| It's just because of Sober October. | ||
| It's just because of Sober October. | ||
| I didn't think about theaters back then, like when we were all in the club. | ||
| No, we were just doing clubs. | ||
| I had done a couple of theaters here and there, but for the most part, it was just about just working. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what Dice said. | ||
| He was like, what do you want to do with your career? | ||
| I was like, I'd like to have clubs. | ||
| He goes, why not theater? | ||
| I was like, I couldn't do theater. | ||
| He goes, why? | ||
| Because you said you can do whatever you want. | ||
| And I was like, alright. | ||
| Dice got me to go on the road. | ||
| He really planted a fucking seed in my head one day in the back parking lot at the comedy store. | ||
| I said, why don't you do the road? | ||
| I said, I don't know. | ||
| He goes, hey, don't fucking just hang around here. | ||
| And he's like, you can make a good living. | ||
| He goes, you don't need these fucking TV guys. | ||
| And I was like, wow. | ||
| He's right. | ||
| I was thinking about it. | ||
| I was like, he's right. | ||
| Dude, that's changed my life. | ||
| I've said this a million times, but you and Bill Burr in the back of the store telling me, your show's not that good, you should just stick with stand-up. | ||
| Well, I just... | ||
| I knew that you were way better than that. | ||
| I'm like, you're not even doing your stand-up justice. | ||
| I'd see you do stand-up, but it's like you hadn't done it in five months. | ||
| You'd been in fucking Thailand or some shit, swinging off of a tree by your dick. | ||
| On a roller coaster with some special people. | ||
| Also, I was worried you were going to get killed. | ||
| You were doing so many different things in so many different places. | ||
| I called him up once. | ||
| He was drunk on a motorcycle in Vietnam. | ||
| I was like, what are you doing? | ||
| He's like, I'm in Vietnam, I'm drunk! | ||
| Ride a unicycle! | ||
| He learned these completely unnecessary life skills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that you can't apply to anything in your life. | |
| Do you know how to ride a unicycle? | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| He's like, I learned in Rome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I could do whatever I want to know. | |
| Is that harder than when them hoverboards? | ||
| What's harder? | ||
| Oh, dude, those hoverboards in the ocean? | ||
| No, I don't mean that. | ||
| I mean the things that the kids roll around on. | ||
| Just the wheel in the middle? | ||
| No, the wheel in the middle. | ||
| Rich Rebuilds, you know that YouTube channel, do you know who he is? | ||
| Rich Benoit, he's a YouTube host, and he also, he fixed... | ||
| He's like the first guy to ever build a Tesla. | ||
| He bought a junk Tesla that somebody had let get flooded with water, and he's just a really smart guy, and he's a tech guy, so he's like, okay, what the fuck is in that thing? | ||
| Like, how do I fix this? | ||
| So all the wires were fucked up, the battery was toast. | ||
| So he bought a crashed one and he took the battery and the engine out of the crashed one and put it in the one that he owned and then rewired and went through this crazy process to get a Tesla to work that he eventually did. | ||
| And now he has his own garage. | ||
| It's what's called the electric garage in Massachusetts where he rebuilds these Teslas. | ||
| What was my point? | ||
| Oh, he had one of those with a big-ass fat tire where you're riding on it like a skateboard. | ||
| That's hard. | ||
| That looks hard. | ||
| That's hard to do. | ||
| I almost killed someone on a Segway one time. | ||
| I was in Rome, and we were on Segways, and I was just screwing around, and then I just hopped off, and I didn't realize that when you hop off, if you're leaning forward, it keeps going. | ||
| And this thing started whipping around me, just... | ||
| And we're in like a big piazza, and I just let go of it. | ||
| Didn't hit anyone, but everyone around us was standing dead still, like... | ||
| Oh my god, it would have been bodied right there. | ||
| You're supposed to dive on it like a good hero. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you know where to fund those? | ||
| There's no way you're doing that. | ||
| You wouldn't dive on it? | ||
| No way! | ||
| You'd have to take it for the team. | ||
| He'd let 15 people die? | ||
| Just walk out casually? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know what happened. | |
| Those hoverboards that are jet skis where you go like 40 feet up in the air. | ||
| Oh, those are crazy. | ||
| Those are fun as fuck. | ||
| That looks fucking cool. | ||
| Those do look cool. | ||
| I like the guys who get it turned over and then it starts to go down and they just, with extra speed, just shoot into the bucket board. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are those called? | |
| What are they? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Widowmaker. | |
| Dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Those things are fun as fuck. | ||
| Legit, yeah. | ||
| I could do a backflip on one. | ||
| All you gotta do is fall backwards and then kick your feet around. | ||
| I picked up on that one quick. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of useless skills I have from Travel Channel. | ||
| Dude, you traveled so much. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It always bothered me. | ||
| You know why it bothered me? | ||
| Because I would've probably done it too if I was you. | ||
| And I was like, goddammit, how do you get out of that? | ||
| Because I know that feeling. | ||
| Like, you have the best job ever. | ||
| You're on a TV show. | ||
| You're like, oh my god, I have the best job ever. | ||
| I'm on a fucking TV show. | ||
| But yet, you're still like, fuck, I gotta get out of this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's weird, because you do get to go to really cool places and get paid for it. | ||
| Yeah, that was cool. | ||
| But you also, I mean, you weren't thrilled. | ||
| Because you miss stand-up more. | ||
| I miss stand-up. | ||
| Well, what was happening is Tom's career was exploding at the time. | ||
| The day I fell off a waterfall. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was in Aspen, and Push called me. | ||
| She's like, I'm talking to Tom, and he's talking about these one-nighters, but I want to do the funny bones. | ||
| I was so far removed from stand-up, I didn't even know you could do one-nighters. | ||
| I didn't know that theaters were an option. | ||
| I think I was at a store a week later, and you were like, you know, Tom's doing, like, legit theaters. | ||
| And I remember just going, I missed... | ||
| What if I just missed it entirely? | ||
| You could have, and some people do. | ||
| We all know guys that were really funny back in the day, and then they somehow or another quit. | ||
| It fell apart. | ||
| Dude, what if you had been like, I'm going to lean into Travel Channel? | ||
| Dude, I was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was. | |
| What if you became a Christian, like super Christian, got a cross tattoo on your arm just to let them know you're really down with them? | ||
| I'm sure your reps told you all those things. | ||
| Go to church with a fucking golf shirt on. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Dude, when I got fired from Travel Channel, my world melted down. | ||
| That was right when we were getting fat shamed. | ||
| I was getting fat shamed. | ||
| Leanne scheduled a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like how you say we were getting fat shamed as if you guys weren't in on the fat shaming. | |
| But you're saying that... | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| That didn't happen to you. | ||
| You're saying you were getting fat shamed, but... | ||
| You gotta let people know. | ||
| Like, you don't really believe in fat shaming. | ||
| You weren't really getting fat shamed. | ||
| He felt it. | ||
| At the time, it was very one-sided. | ||
| Do you really think that's a real thing? | ||
| At the time I got fired from Travel Channel, I definitely was one-sided, and I felt it hard as fuck. | ||
| Your friend was fucking with you because he was worried you were gonna die. | ||
| He wanted Conan to do it, though. | ||
| He did it on a major platform. | ||
| It wasn't like morning radio. | ||
| He was on another level. | ||
| He put it on his fucking special on Netflix. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dude, imagine taking a Conan appearance, which was massive at the time, and you go, nah, I'm going to use this for fun. | ||
| I'm not going to try to promote myself. | ||
| DJ Dadmouth is my favorite character that everybody's ever brought to a morning TV show. | ||
| When you used to do that? | ||
| That was so fun. | ||
| I loved that you were doing that because I hated those shows. | ||
| I was like, why would he do those shows? | ||
| Morning TV is terrible. | ||
| But then when you do morning TV dressed up like a fake rapper, for people who don't know, Segura created a character called DJ Dadmouth and he would just show up places and the people did not know what the fuck to do with him because the lowest rung in all of show business is morning television host. | ||
| I'm so sorry if you listen to this and you're a local morning television host. | ||
| Look, I used to deliver newspapers. | ||
| Way better than morning host. | ||
| It's one of the lowest rungs in all of showbuses. | ||
| It's a weird rung where you're trapped. | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| It's like you're broadcasting out of a Christian convenience store or something. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| The worst part, too, is that the four of us, plus 90% of the acts working those clubs, do not have a fan base watching that show. | ||
| No way! | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way! | |
| So you put it together, you're like, this is definitely a waste of time. | ||
| We're wasting our time right now. | ||
| And then if that's the only one that morning... | ||
| We're like, you woke me up at fucking six to do this? | ||
| To do Good Morning Hartford. | ||
| It only works when you get in trouble. | ||
| I remember one time I got shirtless and went up in the weather and started saying, there's thunderstorms. | ||
| Tom did DJ. Have you ever seen Mark Normans? | ||
| Mark Normans is great. | ||
| When he just goes up and she goes, how you doing? | ||
| He goes, kind of gay. | ||
| Let's get this started. | ||
| Hungover. | ||
| Horny. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| I mean, he just destroys, but totally ruined the relationship for the club. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| No, I went in there afterwards. | ||
| How about Tracy Morgan? | ||
| Tracy Morgan's was my first one. | ||
| Yeah, that's the fucking legendary one. | ||
| We're going to get pregnant up a hill. | ||
| That's the one where he talks to... | ||
| Someone's going to get pregnant. | ||
| Horace Grant! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holla! | |
| He starts laughing. | ||
| That's my mating call. | ||
| But they're dying. | ||
| They are dying. | ||
| When he does that big one in Chicago, he was in Chicago for sure, because I know he kept hollering at bulls to get him in the middle of it. | ||
| He just crashed his $2 million Bugatti today. | ||
| Today? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| A Honda sideswiped him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| In Hell's Kitchen. | ||
| Some dirty, Honda-driving savage ran into a $2 million Italian sports car. | ||
| I did a show with him like a year and a half ago, one of the oddball shows, and he came in an all-white Rolls-Royce with a Like with a driver, you know, like a chauffeur. | ||
| And he came in all white and had like a fucking enormous gold chain with a medallion TM. And I was like, that chain looks crazy. | ||
| He's like 600,000. | ||
| Some crazy shit. | ||
| This is today? | ||
| Look at this guy. | ||
| Sideswipe Tracy Morgan's convertible $2 million Bugatti. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He's letting people know. | ||
| What's he been wearing? | ||
| The Honda's defense. | ||
| It's a very low car. | ||
| He has a high car. | ||
| He probably looked over, saw nothing. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Didn't know it was a car that was like two feet off the ground. | ||
| It's such a small car. | ||
| Those cars are so hard to see if you're right next to them. | ||
| What does that dude's insurance say when he calls? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You what?! | |
| I don't know if we can cover this. | ||
| You don't fuck! | ||
| That'll probably be like the final straw. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Probably kick him off the contract. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, for sure. | |
| Was that Tracy Morgan interview? | ||
| That had to be an inspiration to doing the DJ Dadmouth, right? | ||
| To me, that was the first one I remember. | ||
| Like, whoa. | ||
| I guess someone could fuck with them. | ||
| You could fuck with them in that way, yeah. | ||
| I mean, yeah. | ||
| It was funny because some people would be really into having fun with you, like the Tracy Morgan people. | ||
| I could see how a club relationship could be because we left one of the clubs when I told them I was coming out as non-binary and the lady was like, what? | ||
| This is like on the air? | ||
| And I was like, different genders. | ||
| And she was like, all right. | ||
| And she just turned to the TV and she was like, ugh. | ||
| She just wasn't into it. | ||
| And then she called. | ||
| Like, we called the PR person that drove us to the club. | ||
| Or to the event. | ||
| You didn't realize she's in the car. | ||
| Yeah, she goes, what the fuck was that? | ||
| She was like, that guy's so weird. | ||
| Don't bring stuff like that in here. | ||
| I was like, that's the whole point. | ||
| We don't want to come in here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They... | |
| They think that what they're doing is serious. | ||
| We're providing a wonderful morning show for downtown Pittsburgh. | ||
| You're showing them how to make fucking pastrami sandwiches. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So dumb. | ||
| What a great sandwich. | ||
| Hey, thanks a lot. | ||
| We've got the Christian youth group who's going to sing for us next. | ||
| I tried shitting on the last time I went to Cleveland. | ||
| It was the normal one. | ||
| That's why I know the relationship's still fine. | ||
| But there was a doctor before me. | ||
| I was like, why does he wear his fucking... | ||
| Doctor outfit to do this. | ||
| On the way, he put a sweater on and left. | ||
| Why can't that be him? | ||
| And the guy's like, I don't know! | ||
| It feels like you're stepping into Truman Show stuff. | ||
| It's so contrived. | ||
| There's nothing real about it. | ||
| Especially when there's a 22-year-old PA or associate producer. | ||
| One time I went in and I said, yeah, I'm already drunk from doing radio. | ||
| I go, just put the mic on my necklace. | ||
| And she goes, why? | ||
| I go, I'm going to take my shirt off. | ||
| She goes, you will not be doing that. | ||
| And I said, you don't tell me what to do. | ||
| She was like, excuse me, I'll be right back. | ||
| And it came back and she goes, what is in your cup? | ||
| And I said, whiskey. | ||
| And she was like, he's drinking! | ||
| He's drinking! | ||
| She told on you? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And I was just like, we should probably leave. | ||
| So you just left? | ||
| I just left. | ||
| I was like, I don't want to get anyone fired. | ||
| She's telling you you can't take your shirt off. | ||
| Or have a drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or have a drink. | ||
| I love how it's like she's telling me she found something out. | ||
| You're like, I was poor you in front of everybody. | ||
| I don't want to drink out of the bottle. | ||
| She thinks she's at an insurance company. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hilarious when people don't know what job they're in and try to take it more seriously. | ||
| If one of those morning shows fucked off, like the way we're talking about it, it'd be like the best morning show. | ||
| It'd be great. | ||
| It'd be so much better. | ||
| Tom Green had a great, great one I'm remembering now, back when he was like public access and he was trying to promote his public access that became the Tom Green show and he just took over. | ||
| He did some crazy shit, man. | ||
| Pies in the face. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You know what's amazing is like him and then that other dude, Jamie Kennedy, they did their best shit where they were like pranking people. | ||
| Jackass? | ||
| And then they just stopped. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Man, but Tom's blew up so crazy, man. | ||
| So crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When Tom Green was on, it was stuff I couldn't even believe. | |
| Tom Green did Oprah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Did he really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oprah was like, it was such a phenomenon what was going on. | ||
| The show was so big. | ||
| He milked a cow with his mouth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He put Slutmobile on his dad's car. | ||
| Oh my God, on his parents'. | ||
| And then hid in the bushes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He didn't just like, let me fuck with this amount of people. | ||
| Like, my mommy and daddy. | ||
| Did people forget? | ||
| Did people forget Tom Green? | ||
| What happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
People forgot. | |
| No, he got ball cancer, had to take a break, came back and tried to do like a more serious show with Humperdinck. | ||
| What's his guy's name? | ||
| But what I'm saying is people forgot how big it used to be. | ||
| Oh, they may have forgotten how big it was. | ||
| Tom Green was one of the man. | ||
| What he did was he did what we're all doing way before any of us, but it was when bandwidth was too expensive. | ||
| He did. | ||
| He had his own podcast. | ||
| I did it. | ||
| You did? | ||
| I did it at his house. | ||
| It was part of the inspiration for me doing one. | ||
| I even talked to his company. | ||
| They were based in Denver. | ||
| I was in Denver doing the Comedy Works and I talked to the company that was doing it for him. | ||
| And I was seriously considering doing something like that. | ||
| But the problem was... | ||
| Bandwidth is crazy expensive. | ||
| He had cables running from the desk all the way through his living room into a server room. | ||
| He had a server room. | ||
| And it was crazy. | ||
| How much money is involved in this? | ||
| He's like, a fuckload of money. | ||
| And he goes like, I have to have all these people running it too. | ||
| That was Tom Green's. | ||
| That's me and Tom Green. | ||
| So what essentially it was, was he decided to try to do a talk show host. | ||
| I remember that Joe Rogan, the fucking long sleeve under the short sleeve. | ||
| That was my look, bro. | ||
| That Joe Rogan. | ||
| I had my look for a while. | ||
| With the torn jeans. | ||
| You were like, I'm not coming to Hollywood. | ||
| I'm giving up. | ||
| That was all based on one switch he had in his house. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He'd just go on and flip a switch, and the show went on and went live. | ||
| So me and Red Band looked at it, and we're like, well, how much is involved in this? | ||
| What would we have to do to do something like this? | ||
| And then, you know, eventually it just led to... | ||
| But that and Cumia. | ||
| Anthony Cumia, that was a big one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He had that live from the compound in his basement. | ||
| And then the way that Opie and Anthony ran their show was an inspiration too. | ||
| Because it was just a hangout. | ||
| And it was my favorite show to listen to. | ||
| It was just a bunch of guys hanging out, talking. | ||
| I was like, that's what I want to do. | ||
| Four hours of them eating oatmeal. | ||
| I remember they'd just eat oatmeal. | ||
| And you'd be like, oh yeah. | ||
| I was a big fan back then. | ||
| On the show, they would eat oatmeal? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| You'd tune in early. | ||
| On O&A? On O&A and they'd just be eating breakfast. | ||
| And just go in. | ||
| Jim would take a shit and be gone for 30 minutes. | ||
| Because they didn't have any. | ||
| When they first started. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fat Jim. | |
| Fat Jim Norton. | ||
| Fat Jim Norton. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Back in the day. | |
| Back in the day. | ||
| They didn't have any advertisers. | ||
| So they had to fill four hours of content. | ||
| So they literally. | ||
| I mean. | ||
| Everything went. | ||
| Yeah, when they first started on SiriusXM, they had to fill four hours of content. | ||
| Oh yeah, no commercials back then. | ||
| There's no commercials. | ||
| That was the pitch. | ||
| Isn't that crazy that Sirius said, hey, we don't have commercials. | ||
| You pay for it. | ||
| You pay for it. | ||
| And then they just started selling commercials. | ||
| Like, wait a minute. | ||
| Aren't I fucking paying for this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you got commercials too? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's because Howard got to get to the paper, kid. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| People at the helm have no fucking integrity. | ||
| He gets caked up. | ||
| He gets caked up still. | ||
| No matter how. | ||
| I mean, he's locked up in a contract for Liz Ive, son. | ||
| I thought it was about to come up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whatever. | |
| Whenever he wants more money, I'm sure. | ||
| That's what Howard would do. | ||
| But he makes an ass load of money. | ||
| There's no one even close. | ||
| No, dude. | ||
| Second place is distant. | ||
| He's a huge shareholder. | ||
| Do you remember that lawsuit, too? | ||
| They're like, if we can get over, let's say the number was 100 million subscribers, I get this gigantic bonus. | ||
| And then they bought... | ||
| Serious. | ||
| Serious. | ||
| And they're like, that took us from 60, plus another 40 is 100. So I get it. | ||
| He goes, no, we acquired that. | ||
| And he goes, nah. | ||
| Pay me, motherfuckers. | ||
| And I don't know what happened with it, but fucking Jew move right there. | ||
| Respect. | ||
| You guys are done with your beef? | ||
| I don't want to be with him. | ||
| I just think he should retire. | ||
| But anyway, the point is this. | ||
| The point is he did a good thing for this. | ||
| But basically what he was saying was that the only reason that deal took place at all was because he was... | ||
| Was it Sirius or XM? He was Sirius and they bought XM. Right, right, right. | ||
| So... | ||
| The only reason why Sirius was kicking ass at all was because of Howard fucking Stern, period. | ||
| There was nothing on Sirius other than him. | ||
| Yeah, they wouldn't have acquired XM. And also, the model was so suspect at the time. | ||
| You're going to leave terrestrial radio and go to a place where people have to pay for what they just turn on? | ||
| He deserves it. | ||
| Here's why. | ||
| No one else could have carried that thing. | ||
| No one else. | ||
| He was radio. | ||
| And especially at that time, during that transition to satellite, no one else would have got people to commit to having a fucking satellite dish in your car. | ||
| Remember you had those stupid fucking antennas that you used to have to put in your car to get To get serious? | ||
| The wire went all the way through your car. | ||
| It was gross! | ||
| This fucking stupid thing that would stick up like a pigtail out of the roof of your car. | ||
| Do you remember those? | ||
| Yeah, and how it would cut out for like every turn, any corner. | ||
| Anytime there was a building in New York City, anytime something blocked it, any tunnel was dead. | ||
| The city that it existed in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whatever money that company makes, the only reason it's still in business is because of Howard Stern. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Only reason. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| For sure. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had XM. And it was... | ||
| Until Bennington and Opie and Anthony showed up, it was painful. | ||
| I would listen to Yacht Rock. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It was cool, though. | ||
| You're like, 90s rock. | ||
| Three different channels of that. | ||
| A hundred different channels. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| Yeah, it was worth a dollar a year. | ||
| Bennington's the best, dude. | ||
| Bennington's great. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| Dude, he's been doing on stage lately. | ||
| He did my storytelling show too recently and did the same thing. | ||
| Just talking about the good old days of fucking drug addiction in New York. | ||
| Oh, he used to get down, dude. | ||
| He describes the city that you're like, oh my god, I want to be there. | ||
| He used to get down. | ||
| When did you go? | ||
| What year? | ||
| What? | ||
| First time in the city. | ||
| I went there six years. | ||
| Oh, first time I've ever been there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Did you see Times Square when it was Times Square? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But I was like, what's that woman wearing a bra? | ||
| Just a bra. | ||
| My mom was like, eh, whatever. | ||
| What they did at Times Square, they turned Times Square into like a Disney mall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| It's disgusting. | ||
| It's New York's version of like Disneyland. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| And it's a nightmare whenever you're visiting and also, you know, like when you're visiting, you're in a car and we need to go to this and all of a sudden you look up and you're like, are we in fucking Times Square? | ||
| Like you're just driving through it. | ||
| I'm like, we gotta get out of here, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like the chaos. | ||
| It's too commercialized. | ||
| It's so commercial for no reason. | ||
| It feels like everything that makes New York amazing is gone. | ||
| You used to do a funny joke about it, that you go for a meeting, and then you're walking, and people are just looking up, and he's like, why? | ||
| He's like, oh, fuck, I'm at Times Square! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| Who says that? | ||
| Jim Gaffigan. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Well, it's very Vegas-esque. | ||
| It's like walking down the Strip. | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| Or the lights and the... | ||
| It's fake. | ||
| There's no M&M's. | ||
| That's not where it was invented. | ||
| So why is that a giant M&M's store? | ||
| And when you used to know what it was like, like peep shows and XXX everywhere, it was seedy and weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dangerous. | ||
| Yeah, it was dangerous. | ||
| Like, legitimately dangerous. | ||
| I mean, the worst time, what, 70s, 80s, right? | ||
| That was like the worst crime time? | ||
| Late 70s into the mid to late 80s? | ||
| I was hanging out in New York in the 80s. | ||
| That was my pool hustling days. | ||
| And I was doing a lot of gigs. | ||
| I guess it wasn't the 80s. | ||
| It was the 90s. | ||
| The early 90s. | ||
| Because by 91 was, I think, the first time I ever performed in New York. | ||
| 91 or maybe 92. Damn, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, this is like you're just starting out, though, kind of. | ||
| You were going to Amsterdam Billiard then? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| No, it was Chelsea. | ||
| Chelsea Billiards. | ||
| We would go to Amsterdam, but Amsterdam was on the west side back then. | ||
| It was on Amsterdam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it moved. | |
| That's why it was called Amsterdam Billiards. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| It was on the west side. | ||
| It was an awesome place. | ||
| That's where I became friends with Dom Herrera. | ||
| Played pool with him in 94 at Amsterdam Billiards. | ||
| I didn't know he played. | ||
| When I meet a pool player, a comic who actually plays, Dom could play. | ||
| He called me today. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| I'm working on a podcast. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| I love him so much. | ||
| But New York was a different place, man. | ||
| I was around a lot of these weirdo, homeless, grifter-type characters. | ||
| A lot of dudes would get arrested for doing three-card money. | ||
| The pool hall was like... | ||
| The best education of street culture, people who live on the street, I mean. | ||
| People who are basically homeless. | ||
| Sometimes they'll stay here or there. | ||
| My friend Johnny was always staying in people's house. | ||
| He stayed at my house for some time. | ||
| He would stay in these weird little hostels and flop houses in New York and places that didn't have a roof. | ||
| You'd have walls, but there would be no roofs. | ||
| Everybody could hear everybody. | ||
| I remember as a kid in that era, the perception that you had of New York is like, This is nothing but crime. | ||
| They were just like, this is dangerous. | ||
| You're not allowed to go. | ||
| Well, Giuliani, you know, he clamped down on all that shit. | ||
| I remember when I moved and I found a place and I came back to get my stuff and I told Neil Brennan, I was like, I don't think they have bars in my back window. | ||
| Do I need that? | ||
| He goes, oh, dude, read the crime stats. | ||
| It's a different city, though. | ||
| It's just not that city anymore. | ||
| Yeah, it's the safest big city in the world. | ||
| It was already safe there. | ||
| 97, I mean, I don't remember any crime, although I did get taken in three-card money a number of times. | ||
| But they didn't force you. | ||
| Anytime I saw three-card money, you know my brain, I'm like, I fucking got this. | ||
| I fucking put money down. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Dude, that, and they used to have this game where they had a nail and a piece of board, and you had a hammer, and you had three shots to get the nail in. | ||
| They have that in Thailand. | ||
| Dude, I do that every fucking time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so hard. | |
| There were so many hustlers. | ||
| There were so many hustlers, right? | ||
| Back in those days in New York. | ||
| So many people trying to get off some kind of scam. | ||
| Yeah, I've been scammed by a driver in New York. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How? | |
| What? | ||
| Like, this was not even that long ago. | ||
| I mean, it was probably like seven, eight years. | ||
| No, like, you get in the cab, and you're like, you know, if you don't live there, but you kind of know, like, the layout, you're just like, basically, I want to go up, you know, 20 blocks this way, right? | ||
| And the guy... | ||
| Just goes across town and starts going up the opposite highway from where we were. | ||
| I'm like, what are we doing exactly? | ||
| You could track yourself on your phone. | ||
| Yeah, I'm just looking at it like, what are we doing? | ||
| I go, couldn't you have just gone up that avenue that we were on? | ||
| He was like, I don't know what's going on, man. | ||
| I go, this is fucking outrageous. | ||
| And then when we pull up, I see the meter going. | ||
| I'm like, this is crazy. | ||
| That was supposed to be a 10-minute drive, and it's taking 40 minutes. | ||
| He goes, just pay me whatever you want to pay me. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, and I go, okay. | ||
| It's because he didn't want to get caught. | ||
| Yeah, and I go, okay. | ||
| So I go, like, the thing said, like, $68, and I was like, here's 20 bucks. | ||
| He's like, that's it? | ||
| I go, you said we want to pay. | ||
| That's what I want to pay. | ||
| So, I'll see you, man. | ||
| Yeah, but he was totally... | ||
| And he was cool with it? | ||
| Yeah, because he totally did fuck me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He scammed you. | |
| He scammed you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did that in Israel once, in Jerusalem. | ||
| When I got there, I took a... | ||
| I was like, take me to B'nai Brock. | ||
| And I didn't realize I was three blocks over. | ||
| He just told me, like, oh, it's right there, dude. | ||
| But instead he took me around the city and then let me off. | ||
| And then when I wanted to go home afterwards, I was like, what? | ||
| It's right here! | ||
| That's how you find out. | ||
| Yeah, that's how you find out. | ||
| I found out on my way on that cab ride because I started texting people at the next place. | ||
| I was like, I was just leaving here, and I'm going to see you. | ||
| Should I be on the fucking highway? | ||
| Do I need my passport? | ||
| Yeah, and they're like, no. | ||
| See, you didn't speak Spanish in that moment? | ||
| He was not from... | ||
| See, I would have taken... | ||
| I would have taken... | ||
| I would have gone right to Spanish. | ||
| Gone to a language that makes me feel powerful. | ||
| Nigerian. | ||
| I got pickpocketed in Florence, and I went into Russian. | ||
| Everything... | ||
| Every word I knew in Russian, I yelled at the guy. | ||
| And he ran. | ||
| Because he was like, I don't know what I'm doing. | ||
| He was like, Russians are fucking animals. | ||
| You should have yelled out, America, you fucking traitor. | ||
| You should have yelled out, America, and take your fucking shirt off, and said, I'm the machine, and started running after him. | ||
| Trump, motherfucker, what? | ||
| And then my wife yells up behind me. | ||
| He's more scared of you than you are now. | ||
| He doesn't do cocaine! | ||
| He doesn't do cocaine! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's afraid of cocaine! | |
| He's a type of pressure! | ||
| Ah, that's hilarious. | ||
| You should write that down. | ||
| You should write that down. | ||
| You should write that whole thing down about you talking about on the radio. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| You should totally be doing that on stage. | ||
| Then, because the audience is going to be like, so wait, what do you do? | ||
| Then you pull out coke and you do a bump. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| And then you start making no sense and then blood comes out of your nose. | ||
| Dude, it's an awesome show. | ||
| You can do meth if you want if you don't want to do the coke that night. | ||
| You take your high blood pressure medication on stage in front of the crowd. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I'd love to start growing is cocoa plants. | ||
| The kind where you just chew the leaves. | ||
| I don't think you can grow them here. | ||
| I don't think the climate's suitable. | ||
| You can get there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I bet you can get some. | ||
| You could organize a closet with some heat lamps and shit. | ||
| Do you think so? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Just to chew a little bit. | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| How many people are growing their own coca leaves in the United States? | ||
| I don't think anyone would want to. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| I would love to. | ||
| I think you need so much of it. | ||
| To make cocaine. | ||
| You just make those Peruvian leaves. | ||
| You just want to be like one of those bears. | ||
| I feel like people would be doing that. | ||
| I would love to talk to Aubrey Marcus. | ||
| The crazy thing is when you chew those leaves, it's actually not bad for you at all. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| And the tea, the coca tea is great. | ||
| I've had that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That'll settle your nausea, you know, especially when you get to like... | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| Everyone starts drinking it. | ||
| Sign me up. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Isn't it crazy that everybody just thinks of this one thing as the processed, chemicalized fucking version that Scarface and... | ||
| I mean, how many people have died because of cocaine? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Good Lord. | ||
| How many murders? | ||
| Is there another drug on the planet that has inspired more murders than cocaine? | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| I would love to know murders versus number of dicks sucked for it. | ||
| Oh, that'd be good. | ||
| So many dicks sucked. | ||
| Way more dicks sucked. | ||
| Man, if everybody got murdered every time they did coke, they don't. | ||
| But a lot of people get their dicks sucked when they don't coke. | ||
| It might not be everybody, but it's like 30%. | ||
| Because girls can't afford Coke, too, if they're young and they're partying and they're out and some fucking guy comes along with a fat Tracy Morgan-like gold chain. | ||
| That's how good Coke is, though. | ||
| That's how good it is, right? | ||
| That people are like, for sure, I'll just blow this stranger to have that. | ||
| I knew guys who would get Coke that didn't do Coke. | ||
| They would get Coke just so they have Coke. | ||
| So have it around for those whore women. | ||
| If girls want a coke. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because some girls, when they want coke, they're like, I am calling somebody and I'm going to get some fucking coke and I'm going to leave here. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Hold on. | ||
| We got some coke. | ||
| Next thing you know, there's a goddamn orgy going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yee-haw! | |
| Some of it's just girls are like, oh, I know my blowjob is worse stuff, so what can I get out of it? | ||
| What am I looking for? | ||
| My brother-in-law told me that he went to Woodstock 2, you know, like, what, 20 years ago, whatever it was? | ||
| And he said, this guy got out of, one of his friends got out of a long line. | ||
| This is an Orthodox Jew. | ||
| Got out of a long line with a bunch of food. | ||
| Like, it took forever to get through concessions. | ||
| And she goes, look, I'm not waiting on the line. | ||
| I'll blow you for that food. | ||
| And he goes, yeah, sure, let's do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Absolutely. | ||
| She sucked his dick for food. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For food. | ||
| She's hungry. | ||
| That's like your chimps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's hungry. | |
| She's got a little extra protein. | ||
| How? | ||
| We had Be Real from Cypress Hill. | ||
| He was showing us the footage of him on stage crowd surfing. | ||
| He was on stage in Woodstock. | ||
| Half a million people in the fucking crowd. | ||
| And then goes out into the crowd, crowd surfs, and they stole his sneakers. | ||
| They took his sneakers and both people, both left and the right sneaker, they came to one of his shows and he signed it in the future. | ||
| Dude, I got your shoe from Woodstock. | ||
| He signed it. | ||
| He's like, fuck yeah, and he signed it. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It's the video of him on stage in front of half a million people. | ||
| It is insane. | ||
| I love how they, the Flanders Hill, have not wavered at all from their day one. | ||
| Not at all. | ||
| All day. | ||
| If you open their Instagram right now, it's just like, check it out. | ||
| You're fucking 30 years deep into this shit. | ||
| They don't fuck around at all. | ||
| Cypress Hill's Instagram, half of it is weed videos with Cypress Hill music in the background. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's just videos of people doing wax and dabs and bong hits with Cypress Hill in the background. | ||
| That first album was so good. | ||
| So good. | ||
| Do you think they get high the way we get high? | ||
| Dude, I know they do. | ||
| I went with them. | ||
| They get way higher than us. | ||
| No, no, but I'm saying, are they out of it? | ||
| No, man. | ||
| Look, he's fine. | ||
| I did his show. | ||
| He's got that show called The Smoke Box. | ||
| In the car. | ||
| By the way, can I just say... | ||
| I thought you were an old Chinese guy. | ||
| I was barbecued. | ||
| I wasn't even there. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| I was in another dimension. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See, I would just have a panic attack. | ||
| I saw a picture of you and it looked like you were. | ||
| I was like, oh. | ||
| We smoked so much before we ever got in the car. | ||
| I was like, I can't believe we're going to keep going. | ||
| And he's like totally normal. | ||
| Oh, as normal as can be, son. | ||
| He's a professional stoner. | ||
| Him, send dog, mugs, they're just fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| That's not me. | ||
| That's me with booze, though. | ||
| I could definitely probably... | ||
| I always try to think of the celebrity I could go beer to beer for and then really hurt them. | ||
| Most of them. | ||
| Post Malone. | ||
| You think you could take them down? | ||
| Oh, you could take them down. | ||
| He's a child. | ||
| He's a young guy with scribbles on his face. | ||
| Dude, he's an awesome... | ||
| He's a great fucking musician. | ||
| His musician's awesome. | ||
| His tattoos are questionable. | ||
| They're odd. | ||
| Who do you think could really fucking take it down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Who can drink you heavily? | ||
| I've thought about this a lot. | ||
| If I go for their cocktail, and I've got to match them cocktail to cocktail, I can keep pace with Stan Hope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| That's a big one. | ||
| I can keep pace with Stan Hope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Stan Hope doesn't drink as much as everyone thinks. | ||
| He just drinks... | ||
| Every day. | ||
| Constantly. | ||
| Consistent. | ||
| A lot of it's light beer, too, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He drinks a lot of light beer. | ||
| St. Helms, oddly enough, a lot healthier than I think people assume. | ||
| Ron White would be a tough one. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Ron White told me he gets fucked up every night of the week. | ||
| That's possible. | ||
| It's like every night of the week. | ||
| Every night I go to Access. | ||
| Every night. | ||
| Every night. | ||
| That's all I know how to do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| But he looks like a million dollars. | ||
| He looks better now than he did 10 years ago. | ||
| He's a happy man, I'll tell you that. | ||
| He looks great. | ||
| He's 38 years old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So boys, we're brought here for a reason. | |
| Not just to talk shit. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| We're trying to figure out how to do Sober October this year. | ||
| What are we going to do for Sober October? | ||
| I already have the answer, and I think it's early for me to say it now, so I'll wait until the end. | ||
| Oh, you son of a bastard. | ||
| Do you have your thoughts? | ||
| I know exactly what we're doing. | ||
| The sober part is happening, though, right? | ||
| The sober part is sober. | ||
| Yeah, we're going sober. | ||
| Tom's got an aggressive schedule. | ||
| I think we should go to no coffee. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Ooh, really? | ||
| Ooh, step it up. | ||
| That's not sobriety, but I'm fine with that. | ||
| I drink a least amount of coffee. | ||
| Because I think we should make it harder. | ||
| No booze, no alcohol. | ||
| It's easy. | ||
| No coffee is its own thing. | ||
| Ooh, no water. | ||
| It's not sober. | ||
| You're not sober. | ||
| You're on a mild stimulant. | ||
| I think it's cheating. | ||
| I think we should go no coffee. | ||
| I like no coffee. | ||
| I like no coffee. | ||
| No coffee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Only water. | |
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| How about you can only drink water the whole month? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| No other drinks? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I'm fucking in. | ||
| No other drinks. | ||
| Sparks and water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Would you fuck? | |
| You can't have carbonated water? | ||
| Come on, bro. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| You can have carbonated water. | ||
| It's just water. | ||
| I'm ramping up. | ||
| No, that works. | ||
| I like where you're going with this joke. | ||
| I'm ramping up. | ||
| Yeah, it's fine. | ||
| I'm ready to go to war. | ||
| Wait. | ||
| Only water and carbonated water. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I'll do that. | ||
| Oh, so no coffee. | ||
| So you wouldn't have milk in your coffee. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No lying, bro. | ||
| We should go carnivore diet all month. | ||
| Nothing but ribeye steaks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Relax. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Because. | ||
| I'm willing to negotiate with what I think our challenge should be for what you think our restrictions should be. | ||
| Well, what do you think the challenge should be? | ||
| I have an idea of what challenge should be. | ||
| Wait, you have an idea? | ||
| What's yours? | ||
| This is about health, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Health? | ||
| What do you want it to be? | ||
| I think it should be, if mental health is a legit part of health... | ||
| You should give up your fucking dopamine fucking addictions. | ||
| You mean cell phones? | ||
| Yeah, get rid of your cell phones and your social media for a month. | ||
| I get why you wouldn't do it because of your career. | ||
| You can email your fucking ladies to fucking post shit for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ladies! | |
| I enjoy social media. | ||
| Yeah, I know! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I don't enjoy booze! | |
| It's not about not enjoying it. | ||
| I think you have a good point with this. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I think about you sometimes when I feel like I've been on a flight or in a hotel room and I'm like, I think I've been looking at my phone for like three hours. | ||
| And haven't gone out. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I just think it takes the connective tissue away from this challenge to the people that enjoy watching this challenge. | ||
| I think a lot of people enjoy our show. | ||
| For sure, that will be a problem. | ||
| I mean, they won't be able to join in with us. | ||
| I'm ready to break my phone with a rock. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| And then November 1st, everyone's like, oh yeah, you guys did Sober October. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| I could get each of you, and I'll tell. | ||
| And I understand, I'm not like Joe, who says do what I do, and then I'll just fucking have an easy time of it. | ||
| I will go with no cell phones. | ||
| I will do beyond what I already do. | ||
| I didn't do what you guys did, though. | ||
| Even though I did some yoga. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You were already doing yoga every day. | |
| You slowed it down to join us. | ||
| But that was no challenge. | ||
| I know it was no challenge! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a challenge for us! | |
| It was only a challenge for you! | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It wasn't a challenge in that there was no contest. | ||
| If it was I had to do yoga the most. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right, right, right. | |
| Maybe that's it. | ||
| Maybe that's it. | ||
| Maybe it's the most 90-minute yoga class. | ||
| No, for fuck's sake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| I like that. | ||
| How many kills the most elks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's time to go to war. | |
| Whoever kills the most elks and can reverse steer them. | ||
| It's time to go to war. | ||
| So you hear his mental health. | ||
| It's a good point. | ||
| We definitely look at these fucking things together. | ||
| You can also get a legit real camera if you wanted. | ||
| Film stuff. | ||
| Give it to your fucking assistant. | ||
| And have it posted. | ||
| So you could have it posted. | ||
| Figure this out and post whatever you need to. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| How about this? | ||
| We run the most miles in a month. | ||
| Is track it? | ||
| Yep, we track it. | ||
| We run. | ||
| Let me just go for a baseline right now. | ||
| How many miles a month do you run right now? | ||
| It's up there, man. | ||
| Okay, what about you, Bert? | ||
| It's up there! | ||
| It has to be real running. | ||
| I want it on GPS. I don't want that bullshit on a fucking treadmill. | ||
| The Rock's got new shoes with a Bluetooth capability in them. | ||
| We'll wear The Rock's underwear shoes. | ||
| We're going to run for miles. | ||
| That's not shit you're already doing. | ||
| I'm only running hills, man. | ||
| How many miles do you run when you go for a run now? | ||
| It's no more than an hour, hour and 15 minutes. | ||
| It's like half a marathon right there. | ||
| No. | ||
| Up hills? | ||
| Up hills he's probably running six miles. | ||
| I'm running some steep shit. | ||
| It's more sprinting. | ||
| There's a lot of plyometrics. | ||
| It's more like that. | ||
| You're not just flat running. | ||
| At a steady pace. | ||
| So do you sprint, run, walk? | ||
| Yeah, I'm chasing my dog, too. | ||
| I'm trying to make it hard. | ||
| I pretend things are chasing me. | ||
| I play little games in my head. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| I pretend I have to get to the top where everyone I know dies. | ||
| Yeah, you're good at this. | ||
| Just give me a hint of that brain. | ||
| Whatever you got in your brain, give it to me a little bit when I work out. | ||
| You don't want it. | ||
| Yeah, because it ramps up. | ||
| It ramps up. | ||
| I was ready to go to work. | ||
| You know how crazy we were going, guys? | ||
| We were working out like six, seven hours a day. | ||
| Yeah, it was terrible, man. | ||
| But the whole time, I was like, I do zero working out. | ||
| You got jacked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did great. | |
| You looked great, Ari. | ||
| Ari, when you were here, when we were like three weeks into the month, and you were here, we did a podcast together, and you used my fucking rower, you did an hour on the rower. | ||
| And you were ripped. | ||
| You have a six-pack. | ||
| I was like, look at this motherfucker. | ||
| That was pretty impressive. | ||
| An hour on the rower is real work. | ||
| That's real work. | ||
| You were not going to not get second. | ||
| I was not going to go last. | ||
| That's why I did not want to go last. | ||
| Here's what I'm hearing. | ||
| Ari wants to do a challenge that he already excels at. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| You're already off your fucking phone. | ||
| And your complaint about Joe is that he keeps logging in things that he is good at. | ||
| So, I will take care of this. | ||
| Sister and gentlemen, are you ready? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're here. | |
| Let's hear it. | ||
| This year's Sober October Physical Challenge. | ||
| Why are you presenting it like a fucking presidential candidate? | ||
| It's like an apple. | ||
| When I win. | ||
| It's going to be good. | ||
| Hip-hop dance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get the fuck out of here. | |
| Hip-hop dance. | ||
| Joe, hear me out. | ||
| Joe, hear me out. | ||
| I was like a broken arm. | ||
| You can't even spin. | ||
| Let me soft sell you. | ||
| Let me soft sell you, okay? | ||
| We each get a choreographer and we work dance classes as much as we can. | ||
| Dance classes are pretty aggressive. | ||
| And would we leave it to the audience to vote? | ||
| Hear me out. | ||
| When? | ||
| Starting when? | ||
| I like that idea, Joe. | ||
| We can do that. | ||
| Now hear me out. | ||
| Starting when? | ||
| First of October. | ||
| That's what you do on a pitch. | ||
| You make them think it was their idea. | ||
| Yeah, that's a great idea. | ||
| I want you to look over at that belt. | ||
| You're never getting that belt. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Hold on one second. | ||
| Guys, hear me out. | ||
| Everyone listen to me. | ||
| Yeah, you should wear that for this. | ||
| This could be good. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's putting the fucking belt on. | |
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| I haven't even touched this thing since October. | ||
| Same as me with any sort of running. | ||
| It's a dope belt, man. | ||
| We each gotta go to dance classes to get our skills set up. | ||
| We each work with a choreographer to create our own dance to the exact same song. | ||
| Let me know when you're done. | ||
| At the end? | ||
| At the end? | ||
| At the end, by the way, I'm selling this to the room. | ||
| Are you threading that through your jeans? | ||
| No, it has to get popped. | ||
| It's like snaps in the back. | ||
| It's a legit belt. | ||
| It's like snaps. | ||
| I have a hard time putting belts on, too. | ||
| At the end of the month, come November 1st, we each submit our one-minute hip-hop dance choreography video, and the fans vote on who the winner of Sober October is. | ||
| Gentlemen, I would like to hear your butles, starting with Tom Segura. | ||
| I gotta tell you, you sort of mentioned this. | ||
| Your rebuttals. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Punk holes in it. | ||
| Yeah, you sort of mentioned that. | ||
| I'll tell you what I like about it. | ||
| Because it's easy to say what I don't like about anything that comes out of your mouth. | ||
| So, what I don't like about it, or what I do like about it, is that no one's great at it. | ||
| I do like that it is a workout because those dancers are in unbelievable fucking shape. | ||
| Who do you think is the number one dancer right now? | ||
| Me, obviously. | ||
| I'm going to guess third first, Joe second. | ||
| It's not even close. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| It's definitely me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I'm a way better dancer than you guys. | ||
| Are you out of your fucking mind? | ||
| Just because you speak Spanish doesn't mean you're a better dancer. | ||
| Do you know how to dance? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, but I know I'm a better dancer than you guys. | |
| What a fucking bitch. | ||
| You know that's true. | ||
| I'll give you that. | ||
| Listen, I could do a lot of crazy shit with my body you guys can't do. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| But I'm saying rhythm? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Rhythm? | ||
| You have rhythm? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Wait, hold on. | ||
| You have rhythm. | ||
| I know I do. | ||
| I'm fucking phenomenal at dancing. | ||
| Keep poking holes in my idea. | ||
| Joe, you get to close it down. | ||
| What I'm saying is that nobody excels. | ||
| I mean, obviously I'm better than you, but nobody excels. | ||
| So, I like the idea of working at something that no one's great at, and... | ||
| Oh, that's me dancing. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| I danced in a movie. | ||
| I was in the movie Zookeeper. | ||
| Yeah, I took dance classes. | ||
| Oh, alright. | ||
| I danced my ass off, bitch. | ||
| I love how the movies make it seem normal that that guy could get that girl. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Wait, hold on, hold on. | ||
| Let's see, Joe! | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Bro, I learned how to dance. | ||
| Like, legitimately. | ||
| I mean, I'm not good or anything. | ||
| Joe, this is hip-hop dance we're talking about. | ||
| Look at his face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's intense. | |
| Bro, I don't know how to dance. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you do pretty good there. | ||
| You actually are pretty good. | ||
| Dude, I took fucking dance lessons. | ||
| I had to do it for weeks. | ||
| Who are you dancing with? | ||
| Nikki Glaser? | ||
| Leslie Bibb. | ||
| She's from Talladega Nights. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, she's great. | ||
| She's great. | ||
| Very, very funny person, too. | ||
| I think this sounds like a done deal. | ||
| Wait, wait. | ||
| Here's the last thing. | ||
| The last thing that is great. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So, everybody gets to work at it. | ||
| Nobody excels too much at it. | ||
| I think it's funny that we're comics and we get to look silly doing something, like not look great at it. | ||
| And I'm on board with, I think it's fun that people that watch that or get really into it would have a say in it. | ||
| Okay, I'm the only one of the three of us who's not obese, so it would look the least silly for me to doing it. | ||
| I'm medically obese. | ||
| I think that's science. | ||
| It's all about the BMI, son. | ||
| Yeah, it's all about the BMI. My BMI is off the charts. | ||
| Wait, you're saying that you are into it or not? | ||
| I'm saying I would look the least silly just in terms of that. | ||
| But you guys, I get why you look silly just moving at all. | ||
| You look the least silly? | ||
| No, I'm not a fucking fat man doing it. | ||
| But you break yourself always. | ||
| You're always breaking. | ||
| Yeah, break yourself before you... | ||
| You break ankles and elbows and shit. | ||
| You're always breaking things. | ||
| I am breaking stuff. | ||
| That's key. | ||
| You're super fucking vulnerable. | ||
| I am. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| What about injury? | ||
| What's injury going to do at this point? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're not durable. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| Dance classes are intense. | ||
| Do you really think you're the current best dancer? | ||
| Easily. | ||
| I think Bart is. | ||
| Easily. | ||
| He's the one who's out of bars the most. | ||
| Yeah, I dance the most out of all of us. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| And so the dance classes are tough. | ||
| We each get ourselves choreographers, and we create our own dance to the exact song. | ||
| Don't get too hyped up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait. | |
| Wait for me to talk about this. | ||
| Okay, but the amount of molly I would have to do to enjoy that dancing. | ||
| But you can't be sober. | ||
| But I can't be sober. | ||
| But you can November 1st. | ||
| Is that when we post it? | ||
| Yeah, but the whole idea is the dance part. | ||
| Dancing sober, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| Sober. | ||
| Dancing sober. | ||
| Here's problems with it. | ||
| Problem number one, it's subjective. | ||
| You can't have something subjective. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't have something, oh, I think Tom danced better, oh, I think Ari danced better. | |
| You can't have a bunch of morons vote for it. | ||
| Okay, okay, let me break this down. | ||
| Finish up, I'm going to write straight down. | ||
| What if, what if? | ||
| Finish up, I'll erase this. | ||
| What if the dance pros got together? | ||
| That's what I was saying. | ||
| Professionals. | ||
| What, they judge? | ||
| Well, yeah, they're experts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They like you better. | |
| They like Bert better. | ||
| They like me better. | ||
| You don't want that. | ||
| No, Olympic judges. | ||
| What? | ||
| Those guys are corrupt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Olympic judges are the most corrupt people in all of sports. | |
| They literally get investigated. | ||
| They literally go to jail. | ||
| But so we have to agree no bribing the fucking bribable Olympic judges. | ||
| No, no, nothing subjective. | ||
| We gotta grind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-mm. | |
| Dance is cool. | ||
| We've got to make it uncomfortable. | ||
| We've got to make it super uncomfortable. | ||
| That's pretty uncomfortable. | ||
| Dance classes. | ||
| It's alright. | ||
| It's just boring. | ||
| There's something about the fitness challenges that are more exciting to me. | ||
| Yeah, because you're doing fitness all the time. | ||
| I wonder what that is. | ||
| I'll do something you guys don't do. | ||
| A fitness challenge you guys don't do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or that I don't do, rather. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay, that's what you're trying to say. | ||
| That I don't ever do. | ||
| I'll ride bikes. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Ride bikes? | ||
| Ride bikes everywhere. | ||
| Ride bikes to the store. | ||
| Accessible? | ||
| Ride bikes to the improv. | ||
| Yeah, but Tom's in Europe. | ||
| Ride a bike, bitch. | ||
| I'm in Europe in October. | ||
| A lot of those countries over there. | ||
| Have you scheduled an Australian tour to cancel yet? | ||
| It's coming up. | ||
| I'm announcing it soon. | ||
| When do you cancel it? | ||
| I'll cancel close. | ||
| Why are you going to cancel it? | ||
| I've canceled before. | ||
| Before? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just once, though. | |
| Just once? | ||
| I think it was twice. | ||
| A couple times? | ||
| It was twice. | ||
| Did you get sick? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The only time it's been in Australia was opening for you with a UFC ticket. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| No, I went also another time. | ||
| I did the Melbourne Festival. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Hey, I'm in Auckland June 15th. | ||
| This is Sydney June 20th. | ||
| You're giving out dates. | ||
| That's right when I'll be in Columbus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know there's a bunch of people that are like, we want to be able to vote. | |
| We want to what? | ||
| Be able to vote. | ||
| No one's stealing this. | ||
| You're going to have to earn this motherfucker. | ||
| So you're saying this? | ||
| You're thinking hip-hop. | ||
| This is mine. | ||
| So the flaw. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I'm going to keep it. | ||
| I'm going to keep this. | ||
| This is mine. | ||
| The flaw, he's saying, is that there's not like a clear, right, that it's subjective. | ||
| Yeah, you can't leave it in the hands of the judges. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| That's rule number one for fighting. | ||
| Never leave it in the hands of the judges. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's not rule number one. | ||
| It's probably like rule number one. | ||
| Yeah, it's down there. | ||
| First is like, you know, watch out for leg sweeps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keep your hands up. | |
| Keep your hands up at number one. | ||
| Don't smile at celebrities in the audience. | ||
| Yeah, do your cardio. | ||
| Don't eat like shit. | ||
| I would love to see those guys day one of jiu-jitsu. | ||
| He's like, can we leave this in the judges? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, Dude, just fucking worry about locking up half guard. | |
| Rule number one is don't leave it to the judges. | ||
| I need to know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Ugh. | ||
| Oh my god, that's funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| I was really behind your dance idea. | ||
| Hip-hop dancing would be tough. | ||
| I do have a gym. | ||
| There's a place right nearby me. | ||
| Joe, I think you're overestimating your dance skills. | ||
| Hip-hop dance. | ||
| It's not dance skills. | ||
| I'll learn them. | ||
| Would it be the amount of time in the gym? | ||
| No, I know how to move my body better. | ||
| I'll learn them. | ||
| You know how to move your body better? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| You don't think I know how to move my body better than you can move yours? | ||
| Do you think we get Shakira to judge? | ||
| Do you know how crazy that is for you to even say that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you know how crazy it is for you to say that my physical dexterity and your physical dexterity are the same? | ||
| They're the same. | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about, Joe. | ||
| I dance all the time. | ||
| Joe, can you weave a wobble? | ||
| If I got through that challenge and you came in last like you did with this last one... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Why has that not been talked about enough? | ||
| We would have to put a sock in a fucking, with a lock in it, like a bike lock, and beat your ass. | ||
| I'm cool with punishment for this. | ||
| I'm cool with punishment for this. | ||
| That's a good idea. | ||
| A bar of soap, right? | ||
| Like a full metal jacket. | ||
| Real punishment. | ||
| Code red. | ||
| Code red. | ||
| Beat you out with a bar of soap and a sock. | ||
| In hip-hop dance. | ||
| I think this is... | ||
| Even Matthew Modine got in on that, remember? | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| He hit him, too. | ||
| He felt bad about it. | ||
| I don't know if this is a real thing. | ||
| You don't know what's the real thing. | ||
| I think you need to keep pushing how you think you guys are the same. | ||
| Hip-hop dancing. | ||
| Skateboarding challenge? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That'll work. | |
| That's all judges. | ||
| I could see us going through all these fucking things, and Bird at the end was like, well, you guys beat me, I can't believe it. | ||
| Like, you motherfucker, you're talking shit the whole month, talking shit the whole month, and you came in last. | ||
| That's my game plan. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| I'm sandbagging you guys for the next challenge. | ||
| There's no sandbags, son. | ||
| You fell apart. | ||
| You fell apart. | ||
| Dude, I fell apart. | ||
| When Ari started posting these giant, he was on the bike for four hours. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| That would fuck my head up. | ||
| Tom got sick. | ||
| So bad. | ||
| We started off slow. | ||
| We started off with like 200 points. | ||
| It was a good day. | ||
| It was like that scene in Big when Lovitz is telling, what's his name? | ||
| He's like, hey, slow down, slow down, slow down. | ||
| You're going to make us all look bad. | ||
| We didn't know how crazy anybody was going to take it. | ||
| We don't know how much we hated each other to really drive us to not be... | ||
| Well, I don't know how you looked at it, but I love you guys. | ||
| I love you guys, too. | ||
| I just thought it was a fun competition. | ||
| What the fuck, Ari? | ||
| Stand by it. | ||
| What was the most amount of points you ever put in in a day? | ||
| My biggest point day was... | ||
| You ran 13 miles one day. | ||
| One day, yeah. | ||
| Oh, broken up. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, just, I mean, like... | ||
| Just kept going. | ||
| I did it in the hills and, you know, just kept... | ||
| I ran, like, to another city. | ||
| Came back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he ran 13 fucking miles. | ||
| That was after he was sick for a week. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I did. | ||
| We almost dropped off. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, oh, he's done. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| That's when we took the foot off the gas pedal. | ||
| Fucking Tommy sandbagged us. | ||
| But why did you take the foot off the gas pedal? | ||
| We should have waited until he was done. | ||
| Are you talking to me? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Because Tom was like, I'm sick. | ||
| I'm out. | ||
| So what? | ||
| And so I was like, Tom's in last. | ||
| I don't have to worry. | ||
| I'm not in last. | ||
| Oh, is that what you were worried about? | ||
| Yeah, so I was like, I was competing with Tom. | ||
| Tom and I were neck and neck. | ||
| Ari was a fucking cunt. | ||
| And we'd just post numbers in the middle of the night. | ||
| You'd go to sleep comfortable. | ||
| But he did that like two thirds in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, dude. | |
| He didn't start like that. | ||
| I post in the middle of the night because my gym, Blink Fitness, would allow me to work out 24 hours a day. | ||
| So I'd get off work. | ||
| Yeah, it was fucking ridiculous. | ||
| I'd get off the comedy clubs and I'd fucking go work out at 3am. | ||
|
unidentified
|
3am. | |
| That would fuck my head up, man. | ||
| I'd wake up. | ||
| I know, because you wake up and you're like, Blame Esty! | ||
| Blame Esty for giving me late spots! | ||
| It's not my fault. | ||
| It's all Esty. | ||
| It's tricky, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was a lot of gameplay, but here's what I... I realized you guys woke up like, oh, what? | |
| I'm not in first. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| I like this. | ||
| Here's what I... Okay, keep this. | ||
| I think you guys should do a dance-off anyway. | ||
| Well, he does have that incredible physical dexterity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You would need a way for judges to decide, but... | |
| That's not about working out though, right? | ||
| Hip-hop dancing? | ||
| No, hip-hop dancing, if you're going to get good, you're going to be dancing every single day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Okay, I will tell you, I don't like doing it, but that response... | ||
| That reaction was a good response. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because that's how we felt about everything, Joe. | |
| Somebody showed me a tweet I made recently, like a year ago. | ||
| I'm like, how did we get from Burt can't run a marathon to all going to go straight edge for a month? | ||
| Right. | ||
| What the fuck happened? | ||
| That's exactly what we got from that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is true. | |
| It wasn't that Bert couldn't run a marathon. | ||
| He couldn't do it faster than your dad did. | ||
| An 80-year-old plus Holocaust survivor. | ||
| But he was also like, I could run a marathon tomorrow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I technically kind of did. | |
| Yeah, you did. | ||
| I technically did. | ||
| I did blow the doors off you guys. | ||
| You were really, really amazed. | ||
| But I think the real test was that Tom was going to try to roller skate a marathon faster than I could run it. | ||
| Oh, that was right. | ||
| But he didn't take into account going uphill. | ||
| Or the fact that he has never roller skated. | ||
| Yeah, but that's easy to learn. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty flat. | ||
| Four wheels. | ||
| It's not like it's fucking calculus. | ||
| But what do you think would have happened on the roller skating part of it? | ||
| After running that marathon? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He would have crushed you. | ||
| I think you probably would have beat me. | ||
| It was a flat? | ||
| You don't have a chance. | ||
| LA is pretty flat, right? | ||
| No, hold on. | ||
| LA Marathon was uphill downtown, but once you got past the store, you would have been hauling fucking ass down La Cienega. | ||
| Yeah, he would have never caught him. | ||
| From cellar to the... | ||
| No, but he would have gotten hurt. | ||
| He would have gotten hurt. | ||
| Yeah, a couple of roller skating people reached out to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's true. | |
| And they were like... | ||
| No, they said, like, your feet are gonna... | ||
| You're gonna be in rough fucking shape. | ||
| Like, it's not easy, man. | ||
| It would blow out his calves. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| The roller skating people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they reached out. | |
| The roller skating people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, I started to get it from... | |
| Hey, bro, don't take this lightly. | ||
| We're warriors. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're warriors. | |
| I get it from people that have been doing it for years and also like, what is that, the roller derby people? | ||
| They were like, yeah, you gotta be careful. | ||
| Well, just think about skiing for five hours. | ||
| Oh, what greatness that would be. | ||
| Yeah, but if you had to ski for five hours straight without going up lift hills, going up the lifts, Up the hills, if you just skied only on your feet for five hours, I bet you'd be hurting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you'd be hurt anyway. | ||
| Your muscles are all sore. | ||
| Yeah, my feet are always hurting after a day of skiing. | ||
| Like, Jesus, because you're always like, ah, ah! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I would have been fucked up, for sure. | ||
| You would have got fucked up. | ||
| Did you see me crash, Bert? | ||
| Yeah, I did. | ||
| I did. | ||
| And then I pulled up and you were like, I don't think it's broken. | ||
| Cut to surgery. | ||
| How broken is it? | ||
| I put a pin in it. | ||
| Wait, this is the same cast I saw you with? | ||
| Yeah, the big one. | ||
| Yeah, it's down to this now. | ||
| So you got a pin in there, like a metal pin? | ||
| A piece broke off. | ||
| I have some sort of pin. | ||
| You know what's good about that? | ||
| Give one more reason to fuck with the people at TSA. You're going to be fucking unbearable. | ||
| My vasectomy did that. | ||
| They're like, how come something's going off? | ||
| Do you have anything in your pocket? | ||
| I'm like, vasectomy. | ||
| They're like, what about belt? | ||
| I'm like, vasectomy. | ||
| And they're like, what do you think it's... | ||
| I'm like, I had my dick cut and your fucking stupid thing that the head of this company decided we need to buy points out that I got a vasectomy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| How does it know you had a vasectomy? | ||
| Because it's a little inconsistent. | ||
| It's like a hard thing in there. | ||
| Peanut, you want to feel it? | ||
| No, I'm kidding. | ||
| It's your choice. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| So it's calcified. | ||
| You've got a little rock near your dickhole. | ||
| Yeah, so now I'm a fucking terrorist threat. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Wait, so I want to ask you one thing about your challenge. | ||
| No, we're not doing REs. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I just wanted to ask you something. | ||
| You suggest to stay on social media. | ||
| That's preposterous. | ||
| There's not enough of it. | ||
| There has to be a second part to that, right? | ||
| For the month? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| A physical challenge. | ||
| Yeah, there's nothing physical. | ||
| Yeah, good point. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| We would need a second part. | ||
| Because that is just a mental problem. | ||
| It would, guys, I'm telling you, you're not going to do it. | ||
| I know how addicted you are. | ||
| You're never going to agree to this. | ||
| Dancing in videos. | ||
| It would make your lives, you'd be happier and you wouldn't know why. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| No, I've been off Twitter pretty much, and I'm exponentially happy. | ||
| Twitter just makes me sad and angry. | ||
| Reading people fighting is not fun. | ||
| Can I show you something? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Unlock your phone for me. | ||
| I won't do anything. | ||
| But just unlock it and hand it to me. | ||
| I swear I won't do anything bad to you. | ||
| I have a code about her. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Riders on the storm. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| I'm terrified with what I just gave you. | ||
| You know what I'm going to do? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm going to look up the time usage? | ||
| Yeah, screen time. | ||
| Oh, it's going to be up there. | ||
| Okay, so just today. | ||
| I'm selling tour dates, bro. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| So today of your life, you have a family, you have two kids. | ||
| I started morning radio at 5 in the morning until 11. I'm going to piss. | ||
| Hold that thought. | ||
| So while you're on morning radio, you're not using it? | ||
| No, I was using it entirely to look up who I was talking to, where I was at. | ||
| But while you're on there, you're not doing it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, what time is it right now? | ||
| It's 426. Yeah. | ||
| Three hours and nine minutes... | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| Three hours and I minutes above average today. | ||
| Yeah, today was press. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Press day. | |
| I was doing press for the Body Shots World Tour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, sure. | |
| Last seven days. | ||
| Which starts in September, ends November 23rd. | ||
| Can I tell you? | ||
| Did I mention that I'll be in Auckland? | ||
| You're actually surprising me. | ||
| 30 minutes a day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, I fuck with Instagram a lot. | ||
| Is that on here? | ||
| Yeah, Instagram. | ||
| An hour and 18 minutes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I fuck with Instagram a lot. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| I do. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I don't touch Twitter. | ||
| I kind of stay away from everything. | ||
| Can I see yours? | ||
| No. | ||
| How bad is it? | ||
| Today's not that bad. | ||
| Look up screen time for the week. | ||
| Are there totally days I'm totally off my phone? | ||
| You don't touch it at all? | ||
| I'll record stuff and post it, but I don't read comments and stuff. | ||
| That can fuck your head up. | ||
| Twitter can be aggressive sometimes. | ||
| Wasn't it fun how great it used to be? | ||
| Oh, dude, I remember that. | ||
| News and fun jokes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Dude, my whole thing's about I only use stuff to promote tour dates. | ||
| That's it, really. | ||
| Tour dates like? | ||
| Like Oxford on the 15th of June. | ||
| I did an hour of social networking, it says. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| What about in seven days? | ||
| Seven days? | ||
| Seven days. | ||
| Okay, hold on. | ||
| Hey, let's get more cocktails. | ||
| I'm down. | ||
| Those boomers are kicking it up. | ||
| Hey, wait. | ||
| How are we going to fucking switch him over to fucking hip-hop dance? | ||
| Slowly. | ||
| Slowly. | ||
| It starts with me thinking I have better dexterity than that. | ||
| It's a lot. | ||
| How much are you at right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How much are you at? | |
| You have two kids? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait, wait. | |
| You have two kids? | ||
| But let me preemptively say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, sure. | |
| I was on a bus for the last seven days. | ||
| Sure, so that's a good... | ||
| But I'm saying not home. | ||
| Not home. | ||
| We're checking our amount of usage online on our phones. | ||
| So that's legit. | ||
| And right now, mine's at 30 minutes a day. | ||
| Every day on a bus. | ||
| By the way, this time could be spent reading a book or doing something. | ||
| 30 minutes a day? | ||
| I guess it's not. | ||
| No. | ||
| 30 minutes a day, I think, is pretty low. | ||
| What's Tom's? | ||
| What's Tom's? | ||
| Six hours and 34 minutes a day. | ||
| On a bus! | ||
| I'm on a bus. | ||
| I get your board, but there's a far better way to spend your time than six hours of those days. | ||
| You have to kind of look at it like this, too. | ||
| I'm sitting on this bus with a fucking thousand movies you can choose from, and I do this all the time, where I roll through, like, I'm going to watch a movie, which is like a normal thing to kill an hour and a half, two hours. | ||
| And I'm like, none of these interest me. | ||
| I'm going to spend that time doing this, right? | ||
| Looking at emails, looking at social media, looking at YouTube videos. | ||
| If I'm saying that you can knock off easily two hours... | ||
| And there'd be two hours spent just mindlessly staring at something else that you wouldn't have a record of. | ||
| Writing or thinking. | ||
| Yes, that's true. | ||
| But you're saying that none of that occurred. | ||
| Or learning hip-hop dance. | ||
| No, I will say this. | ||
| When you're bored and you're looking out a window on a tour bus, eventually, not in the first 10 minutes, but maybe between 10 minutes, 30, a minute, 40, your mind's like, fuck, we're so bored. | ||
| And then you start writing bit ideas. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| And you're just not even thinking about those times because you're on there. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It's 100% true. | ||
| Wait, so what's yours? | ||
| Eight minutes? | ||
| I would have to get my iPad out. | ||
| Do you know what yours is? | ||
| Yeah, take it out. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Ari's is surprisingly high because he uses his... | ||
| When he's not... | ||
| What's your seven day, though? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Seven day was 30 minutes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Today was three hours and a half, but his seven day was 30 minutes a day. | ||
| I'm sorry, I averaged 30 minutes a day. | ||
| What's the under? | ||
| What's the under? | ||
| You have a second phone? | ||
| Use the search part and just put screen time. | ||
| That doesn't even make sense mathematically. | ||
| Yeah, there's no way. | ||
| Good job, Tommy. | ||
| You're absolutely right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That three hours and 35 minutes today would be... | |
| You would have to only have used that all day. | ||
| It's a brand new phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why. | |
| Even when you said 30 minutes, I was like, how the fuck is that possible? | ||
| I'll show you where it is. | ||
| Two hours and six minutes. | ||
| That's too much. | ||
| That's too much of your life. | ||
| Well, I was in the doctor's office today. | ||
| Probably why. | ||
| I want to find a nurse. | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Hold on a minute. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| I love the one guy that doesn't have an iPhone is walking you through your iPhone. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Five hours and 30 minutes. | ||
| 451 minutes a day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's a lot. | ||
| Four hours and 51 minutes of your day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a lot. | |
| It's like five hours. | ||
| Of your 16 hour waking day. | ||
| In Joe's defense, he's got to interview new people all the time and I'm sure there's times he's like, tell me about that guy, dot, dot, dot. | ||
| There's definitely a lot of that. | ||
| I keep hearing in my defense, in my defense, but I'm never in my offense where I'm like, that's too much. | ||
| It is too much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is too much. | |
| You do do some work on your phone, but more than that, you fuck off. | ||
| I have every note transcribed in my phone, all my notes from my writing, my laptop, it's all on my phone. | ||
| All my sets are on my phone. | ||
| It shows your productivity on there. | ||
| It shows what you're using the time on. | ||
| It won't be... | ||
| It's not like it's going to be four hours and 35 minutes of productivity and 20 minutes of fucking off. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| A lot of it is also watching stuff. | ||
| You want to have real fun? | ||
| Yeah, YouTube. | ||
| Put your tabs on Safari and let's play a game. | ||
| Where I can go, hey, tell me about dot dot dot what you Googled earlier. | ||
| It's a fun fucking game. | ||
| I got my computer here. | ||
| Tom, give me your phone. | ||
| Tom, give me your phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Tom, give me your phone. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This can go back for a while. | |
| I have my computer here, you can use those. | ||
| That's a lot of time when you look at it, when you see that four hours. | ||
| A lot of waking time spent looking at a screen instead of your surroundings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| What is the last things I googled? | ||
| You're driving part of that, you're not using it. | ||
| It's me and it's you and then it's just some porn. | ||
| How much do you beat off? | ||
| Is that anal? | ||
| You like anal scenes? | ||
| Are you beating off every day? | ||
| No, I just started again. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Took some time off? | ||
| Yeah, I took some time off. | ||
| I was having a hard time with it, and now I'm back. | ||
| This is his phone. | ||
| This is Ari's phone. | ||
| Yeah, Ari brings an old school... | ||
| I gotta call you back. | ||
| He's got a laptop that has a CD drive. | ||
| No, it doesn't. | ||
| But that's the right year to buy, honestly, because that's a good keyboard. | ||
| Yeah, all the ones they got now are fucking horrible. | ||
| The problem is with that, you can't do the same things on Instagram. | ||
| You can't post stuff from your fucking computer. | ||
| No, I have to send it to my lady. | ||
| You can't post it from an iPad? | ||
| Yes, you probably could. | ||
| No, I can't, but I blocked myself out of my account. | ||
| I don't have a password in my account. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| Smart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It really is. | |
| Yeah, but it does not make for a great Sober October challenge, in my opinion. | ||
| Just to watch people do nothing is not entertaining. | ||
| No, but he's saying that it would still get posted. | ||
| Everything would still get posted. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I'll buy you each a good, a camera, a legit, like... | ||
| The strength of this challenge is that people enjoy following along with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, in terms of what we're doing, it's not our normal thing. | |
| Rogan clearly is the working out, so he doesn't have to change his life that much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All you do is promote! | |
| It wouldn't be the worst for you to not have what you're already doing is promoting non-stop! | ||
| All he has is hip-hop dancing. | ||
| Did you knock something over again? | ||
| Yeah, he was going crazy. | ||
| On purpose, though. | ||
| So then what's Tom bad at? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Being a father! | ||
| Obviously! | ||
| So we've got to... | ||
| What if we switch kids? | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| How do you handle this? | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, what do you do? | ||
| How do you handle this? | ||
| How do we do this? | ||
| No, I didn't say what. | ||
| I didn't hear you. | ||
| But I mean, what are those pronouns you mean? | ||
| I mean, I'm saying like... | ||
| I like the idea of some sort of social media challenge, like staying off social media. | ||
| It's got to be that with something. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| We're missing the second part. | ||
| No, 100%. | ||
| You're dead on. | ||
| Dead on with that. | ||
| But Bert can go fuck himself with this hip-hop dance and shit. | ||
| Joe. | ||
| I do have a hip-hop dance place right near my apartment that I could go to all the time. | ||
| I told you I'm in, man. | ||
| You're in. | ||
| Ari, do you think hip-hop dance would be a good one? | ||
| I think, let's put a pin in that. | ||
| I think for real. | ||
| Okay, put a pin in it. | ||
| That would be okay. | ||
| That would be at some level of acceptable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'd have to get judges who don't know us at all. | |
| It's a challenge. | ||
| It's physical. | ||
| Nothing subjective. | ||
| No judges. | ||
| Judges can go fuck themselves. | ||
| You want real hard numbers. | ||
| Okay, let's put in parameters. | ||
| You can't have a bad decision that causes a riot amongst our fans. | ||
| I feel like even if we don't do this, there was something so real about how good you said you're a better mover than him that I would love to see. | ||
| I feel like part of the month you have to do something with that. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I think the audience would love it. | ||
| Seems like it makes sense. | ||
| It's got to be, here's the deal. | ||
| Let's just put parameters on where Sober Tuber is going to be taking place. | ||
| Tom is touring through Europe in a car. | ||
| For part of it, yeah. | ||
| For part of it. | ||
| How many days? | ||
| Ten days. | ||
| That'll cripple you. | ||
| You're going to get sick. | ||
| To do what? | ||
| Forget about any fitness, I'm already laying it down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Forget about any fitness challenge, son. | ||
| 10 days in Europe. | ||
| All that traveling? | ||
| With those weird European diseases? | ||
| You know, that's how they wiped out most of South Americans. | ||
| That your people? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The diseases you find there is what's going to have wiped out your people. | ||
| Graham Hancock says that at one point in time the Amazon jungle had 20 million people and thriving civilizations, beautiful cities, and that the Europeans, their dirty diseases... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Came over and wiped everybody out. | ||
| That's actually your parents' love story. | ||
| 20 million people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, your dad was one of those settlers who found you to run away from a virus. | |
| True. | ||
| Getting rid of his dirty bugs. | ||
| Your mom was down washing her laundry next to a Cayman alligator. | ||
| He came up and sneezed in her pussy. | ||
| Hey, tell me this. | ||
| The Creek and the Cave, the Legion of Skanks are not doing their show at the Creek and the Cave anymore. | ||
| First of all, you guys coming to me on this is worse than Ainsling being coming to you about a comedy store. | ||
| No, but you were just on with Milo. | ||
| I think it's directly related. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's directly related. | |
| That one wasn't at the Creek and the Cave. | ||
| Right, but that's why. | ||
| Wait, what happened? | ||
| No, they were trying to do it at the creek in the cave and the lady freaked out, right? | ||
| She buckled under pressure. | ||
| That's not why they're moving. | ||
| They're already going to move it. | ||
| They're already going to move it. | ||
| The new stand was opening up. | ||
| They'll use this as an excuse maybe or people will say that's the reason. | ||
| They were already going to move it. | ||
| Wait, start from the beginning for someone who doesn't know what you're talking about. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of people who don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| They booked Legion of Skanks. | ||
| You know who they are. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| They're legit people who fucking hold their own. | ||
| Jay and Luis, right? | ||
| Luis, yeah. | ||
| Luis Gomez. | ||
| And Dave Smith. | ||
| And they're hardcore guys, except when they come on this podcast and kind of puss out. | ||
| But like, they're hardcore guys for the most part. | ||
| And so they booked. | ||
| Yeah, they bitched out on this podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| I don't understand that. | ||
| I thought we just had a conversation. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Now you understand. | ||
| That's fucking... | ||
| Imagine Jackass in the heyday of Jackass and them all sitting here politely and not trying to fucking shave their heads in front of... | ||
| It's like, come on, dude. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| They need a second chance on this podcast. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Not now. | ||
| I wouldn't. | ||
| Give them all these expectations. | ||
| I wouldn't. | ||
| They're going to come up and do something crazy. | ||
| They just came here and had a good time with you? | ||
| Yeah, it was fun. | ||
| Nice conversation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the problem with that? | |
| No, it's great. | ||
| Drink some tea and cross their legs. | ||
| They did a podcast with Milo Yiannopoulos, and Milo said they cucked out, so now Ari's running with the narrative. | ||
| Listen, so they booked Milo, and they're like, oh, we have this guy who's been fucking, whatever. | ||
| And then everyone started doing the thing where they attack the venue. | ||
| If you have that area, you're the problem. | ||
| It's not enough that they can misanalyze the person Or say, I want nothing to do with that guy. | ||
| Then if you put him up, then you're the issue. | ||
| A woman who gave birth to tons of fucking great LGBA and fucking black performers, she's an issue because she's not stopping a performance from happening. | ||
| And then soon it'll be like, if you perform at that venue, then you're an asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| No, it's nonsense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, what's the A stand for? | |
| A lesbian, gay, bisexual alliance. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| They have a lot more since I left college, but that's what I was told. | ||
| The problem is when you look at LGBT, which is like the accepted use of those letters, when you add the A in the end, we were like... | ||
| Oh, A is now asexual? | ||
| And Finn Taylor does a great joke where it's like they're included, but the reality is the asexuals hate the other ones. | ||
| Like, you're disgusting. | ||
| I don't care what kind of sex you're having. | ||
| A lot of lesbians are not really excited about transgender men, or transgender women, rather. | ||
| True. | ||
| There's that. | ||
| There's TERFs, you know, trans-exclusionary radical feminists. | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| I'm busy fucking living my life and trying to fucking dominate. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You're trying to dominate? | ||
| I'm trying to dominate, dude. | ||
| Damn, I didn't know you were trying to dominate. | ||
| Wait, can you fill me in more on this, though? | ||
| Tell me about dominating. | ||
| Wait, let's not leave dominating. | ||
| I want to write that down. | ||
| But, There was a big uproar. | ||
| A lot of comedians started trying to show how they were woke enough, and they were like, I don't think you should do it. | ||
| Very publicly, quit putting Rebecca in this position. | ||
| Because Milo Yiannopoulos was going to be in that place. | ||
| Here's how you can tell someone is a fucking white knight virtue signaler. | ||
| When they don't go to you saying, hey, Tom, I'm calling you on the phone. | ||
| Don't do this. | ||
| But I get it. | ||
| I might not have your number. | ||
| So if I'm tweeting at you, I'll just write, at Tom Segura, don't do this. | ||
| If I really want a virtue signal, I'll go dot at Tom Segura or hey at Tom Segura. | ||
| So it's not just me and your followers. | ||
| It's everybody. | ||
| Anytime anybody sees, if you're listening, you see somebody not start with the at. | ||
| That is them virtue signaling on purpose. | ||
| Unless they're saying something positive, they just want everybody to see it. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, absolutely. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| Like, hey, everybody, come see Tom. | ||
| You don't want to say, Steve Simone's new album. | ||
| Hey, R.A. Shafir, I loved your new Netflix special. | ||
| I love the Jew Hour. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's a great hour. | ||
| I saw some of it. | ||
| It's a great hour. | ||
| You've been working on it hard. | ||
| Your Jew buddy Milo, he's gonna appear on the show. | ||
| All these comics, all these people start saying, I will never go to the creek again. | ||
| They put unbelievable pressure on her. | ||
| They call him a Nazi. | ||
| A club owner. | ||
| He's Jewish and he's also married to a gay man who's black. | ||
| Who's black. | ||
| Crushes his ass. | ||
| Opens it up. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| So wait a minute. | ||
| What ends up happening? | ||
| So they go, we're not going to have him on? | ||
| Okay, so they said, we're doing this. | ||
| We're not talking. | ||
| They started going to war with these fucking Virtue Signaler comics. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And then at some point, Rebecca, I talked to her a bunch. | ||
| This is not my thing. | ||
| I don't even want to do it. | ||
| And I'm like, Rebecca, what you do is you stand by your comics. | ||
| And so you let them do whatever they want. | ||
| Obviously, I've been on the wrong side. | ||
| I've had venues cancel me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because of shit like this. | ||
| So I'm like, you don't want to be involved. | ||
| Then Milo's people said, oh guys, you put out the time and date of where I'm going to be. | ||
| Security issue. | ||
| I can't go anymore. | ||
| So they moved it. | ||
| So they moved it and still did it? | ||
| And still did it somewhere else. | ||
| Yeah, we did it. | ||
| And then, okay. | ||
| Well, shout out to her for not caving then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And consider her name as the Creek in the Cave. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| So did it go out? | ||
| Yeah, it's out now. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah, and it's all... | ||
| I didn't watch the whole thing, but the part with you and Milo pouring booze, it was pretty funny. | ||
| The next time somebody calls Milo a Nazi and me a Nazi sympathizer, they say, it's my face. | ||
| Maybe I'm just weird because I just saw my dad speak at the memorial, but I'm like, if you're going to tell me the people who took his father and say you need to say goodbye to your son... | ||
| And son, you've got to take care of the family now and watch the rest of your family fucking disappear and death is the same as that political analyst. | ||
| I'm going to slap you. | ||
| You should slap him. | ||
| You should. | ||
| It's so derogatory and offensive in a way that I'm not okay with it. | ||
| So you can say that away from me, but if you say it to me, I'm going to... | ||
| There's a lot of Brooklyn comics that were saying that. | ||
| There's not enough of those guys that are getting smacked. | ||
| That's why they're saying shit like that. | ||
| That's what Diaz always said. | ||
| That's what Big Jay said. | ||
| They're delirious... | ||
| Delirious. | ||
| You're completely ridiculous. | ||
| Of course, it's insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The guy is a provocateur. | |
| He fucks with people. | ||
| He pushes buttons, and he does so in the age of the internet. | ||
| He's a great troll. | ||
| The thing that they got him on, which is where it all got really weird, was essentially him saying that it should be okay what happened to him when he was molested. | ||
| That he was sexually molested by priests. | ||
| And this priest, he would joke around and say that he was the one who pursued the priest. | ||
| Trust me, I was the predator. | ||
| That's how he said it. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| And that's what got him... | ||
| It was talking about that on my show, and then talking about it on this other show. | ||
| Wasn't it the Amazing Atheist show? | ||
| It was, right? | ||
| The point is, anybody who says, like, you shouldn't be allowed to put... | ||
| That person can't be heard anymore. | ||
| That's what they're saying, but that's what it was. | ||
| But it was really just his harsh critiques of liberals and feminists that were so biting. | ||
| And then, you know, he actually did a podcast with Jordan Peterson recently where he talked about... | ||
| The molestation. | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| But from Jordan's explanation, it's like he's understanding now as he's getting older that, yeah, he was a victim of this thing. | ||
| And he was making it less... | ||
| Impactful, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that he was... | ||
| Giving this guy like a pass that he did it to him almost. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anyway, the Creek of the Cave is a great place for young comics in New York. | ||
| I hear nothing but great things. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I support that place. | ||
| It's like they bring together young comics and give them places to perform. | ||
| It is what the comedy store was if you take away the 12 plus year comics. | ||
| How many seats is it? | ||
| I walked in on a skank fest and I walked past Ari throwing piss on somebody and I walked downstairs to a room full of people with their shirts off Chanting... | ||
| Do you remember that, Ari? | ||
| Did you shit in a Tupperware there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's where you opened up the Tupperware. | |
| He took his shit in a Tupperware and then opened it up in the room. | ||
| It was a tackle box. | ||
| It was a fishing tackle box that I wrapped. | ||
| Michael Che was outside and he was like, oh! | ||
| And he ran. | ||
| He smelled it from fucking down the street. | ||
| I'm starting to gag just... | ||
| And these guys were offended by Milo? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| It's like, what are you guys talking about? | ||
| But it wasn't them. | ||
| I'll just shit into it and see whatever happened. | ||
| It was a pile, a bit... | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| I'm not sure exactly. | ||
| Sometimes when you shit and it smells awful and you realize you've shit so much that it's broken water and it's rising like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's broken water? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Out of the fucking toilet bowl. | |
| You know? | ||
| It's like the Kona coast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You get that smell. | ||
| Why does it smell so bad? | ||
| Then you realize you shit so bad. | ||
| My dog shit doesn't smell nearly as bad. | ||
| Not even nearly as bad as people shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It smells like hate crimes. | |
| Dog shit, once it gets in between your toes, smells worse. | ||
| I don't believe that. | ||
| Dogs aren't drinking. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| They're not drinking whiskey. | ||
| They're not eating Subway. | ||
| I thought you were going to do a thing on dog hydration. | ||
| Dogs don't have enough water, man. | ||
| It makes their shit good. | ||
| Guys, On It Dog has a new product. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The real problem with dogs is the amount of water in their shit. | |
| If you can dehydrate your dog, it'll be nearly as bad. | ||
| No, nothing's as bad as human shit, man. | ||
| Human shit is so nasty, man. | ||
| You know, you're walking in a city, and sometimes you see shit, and then if you smell it, if you smell it, it's like a fucking 90% chance that's human shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, 100%. | |
| Oh, dude, that's what they told me in Hong Kong. | ||
| They're like, listen, if you see, hold on, not every mainlander from mainland China shits in malls, but if you see shit in a mall, that's a mainlander. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like, yeah, they're disgusting. | ||
| They just shit in the mall? | ||
| Yeah, they just shit. | ||
| Mainly Chinese people. | ||
| Just shit in the mall? | ||
| I'm not talking about the bathrooms. | ||
| Oh, the ground. | ||
| The ground. | ||
| So, okay, so you're walking through the mall and you see human shit on the ground. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| Yeah, dude, they don't know how to be. | ||
| Chinese tourists are an underrated worst tourist in the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Chinese tourists are the worst tourists. | ||
| When they're saying to Trump, we're going to hold our tourism back, all the fucking travelers are like, please keep them there. | ||
| So they just, some folks who live in rural China, is that what you're saying? | ||
| Dude, the children, you've been there. | ||
| They have these shorts, these wide shorts, with a cut down the middle. | ||
| So when you stand up, the cut comes together. | ||
| But when you squat, so you don't have to fucking lift your shorts out, it comes out and then just shit away, bro. | ||
| They just shit where they're walking? | ||
| Ten-year-olds wear these shorts. | ||
| Just take shits. | ||
| How do I get those pants for Sundays? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Why kids keep crapping in public in China? | ||
| It's part of their culture, dude! | ||
| That doesn't mean shit. | ||
| You can find anything online these days. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| What is this, Breitling? | ||
| Look at Bert with the fucking common sense. | ||
| Dude, I've gotten trapped in these so much. | ||
| It is Kotaku.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Louvre! | |
| They're the worst tournament! | ||
| I had to put up signs asking Chinese tourists to not poop on the grounds. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Scroll down that for a second. | ||
| Top five worst tourists. | ||
| Chinese. | ||
| Far and away number one. | ||
| Like fucking Richard Pryor. | ||
| How did Chinese replace Americans as the worst tourists in the world? | ||
| We never were! | ||
| It says they're obnoxious. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| This is a terrible article. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Although, have you ever been? | ||
| And they shit in public, apparently. | ||
| Oh my god, this is on Vice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| UK Vice. | ||
| UK Vice. | ||
| How dare you, people? | ||
| What's the fucking difference? | ||
| So we're reading this, folks. | ||
| If you hear those words, I have not said that. | ||
| I'm reading something off of the title. | ||
| For the record. | ||
| I'm not saying Chinese people are bad. | ||
| If you're listening, it's all Asians, technically. | ||
| If you're listening, Ari did say everything to me. | ||
| I did say all that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll stand by it. | |
| Chinese tourists are by far the worst tourists. | ||
| Next is, I don't know how to say this, Israel and Russians tied. | ||
| Why Israelis? | ||
| I'm sorry, I'm bad, I'm bad. | ||
| I'm missing Australians. | ||
| The Bogans are garbage people. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| And they have fucking inflicted them into the world like, go learn on their turf. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Bogans are awful. | ||
| Why Israelis? | ||
| Look at them. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Can they get out of the army and they think they can fucking go nuts? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know, but people don't like Israeli tourists. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they got a reputation about them. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Americans are way down the line. | ||
| No, Americans are not celebrated in a lot of parts where you travel to, man. | ||
| We are very celebrated. | ||
| A lot of people. | ||
| We're the only ones who tip consistently. | ||
| Hardcore. | ||
| People like our money. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And the ones who travel are not the fucking fat rednecks to Texas. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| We're the ones who've gone and gone to the world. | ||
| But sometimes they are. | ||
| That's the... | ||
| Sure, sometimes. | ||
| There's loud Americans. | ||
| I'm just saying there's plenty of obnoxious Americans traveling. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| But we're not in this top five. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Interesting. | ||
| I would have assumed we would. | ||
| Well, we aren't normally shitting at the mall. | ||
| I can't believe it. | ||
| That's a big step down. | ||
| It's a big step down. | ||
| In doors is insanity, dude. | ||
| Like, for you to think that other people are going to be like, oh, yeah, you just got to take a shit. | ||
| So what is the culture like? | ||
| Dude, I've been where it's like, I got to piss in public at other things. | ||
| Like, block me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Block me. | |
| You know? | ||
| So I get four or five guys around. | ||
| No, you don't have to block me. | ||
| I'm just going to shit real quick. | ||
| It's like we're in the woods and I gotta piss. | ||
| There's no, like, embarrassment level. | ||
| That's how they feel. | ||
| That's how they feel, dude. | ||
| They don't even worry about who cleans it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because they're not even thinking about it. | |
| Dude, let it stay there. | ||
| Do they wipe? | ||
| There's no wiping. | ||
| Imagine if everybody did that. | ||
| If everywhere you looked, it was just shit. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Everywhere you're walking. | ||
| So if you were to confront somebody right after you're like, what the fuck did you just do? | ||
| They'd be like, what are you talking about? | ||
| Do you think that they live in a place... | ||
| The way they would confront you is like, what, you just got in your car? | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| Do you think that it's where their living is so overrun with people? | ||
| That they just shit anywhere and they don't think that anybody has an impact on the environment? | ||
| Well, now you're asking me to speak to an expert, and I will. | ||
| Yes, please. | ||
| Even though I'm not one, but this is all my interpretation. | ||
| And yeah, I think they have no expectation of privacy because they're so fucking on top of each other. | ||
| Their homes, extremely clean. | ||
| Take off your shoes before you come inside. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| The homes are fucking... | ||
| Are we talking about, is this thing like... | ||
| But I'm saying, on the mainland, you know, China's over a billion people. | ||
| So you have a lot of, like, really poor, uneducated rural parts. | ||
| And, like, saying that somebody in that area does this, I'd be like, yeah. | ||
| Are you saying that, like, even somebody that lives in Beijing or Shanghai who has a job? | ||
| No, they don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| They don't. | ||
| So that's what I'm saying. | ||
| Not all mainlanders will shit in malls. | ||
| But if you see shit in a mall, it is a mainlander. | ||
| And let's be clear. | ||
| When they say kids, what age group? | ||
| Is it high school kids who are trying to fuck? | ||
| Or is it like... | ||
| There's just shit everywhere? | ||
| We're trying to fuck! | ||
| We're taking shits! | ||
| How long were you in China for? | ||
| I wasn't in China. | ||
| I was in Hong Kong, Singapore, and Macau. | ||
| Now, what's funny is when you're in Macau, which is obviously a big casino kind of tourist destination, all the people there, they eyeball immediately who's like a mainland Chinese person, you know? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Well, that's a different type of thing where if somebody's like, you see dudes in Macau in like Versace shades and like Fendi and Gucci and like, I mean, crazy outfits and you're like, God! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn! | |
| What's up with that dude? | ||
| And they'll be like, that's just a mainland dude who knew money. | ||
| He just got rich. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's all over Macau. | ||
| We just know. | ||
| And then you see the understated person. | ||
| They're like, that's a Hong Kong guy. | ||
| That's old money. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Oh, it's like England almost. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know how like England they got those guys that are like the Oasis who are like tracksuits and all that like this? | ||
| And then you got the old posh money who's like, all right. | ||
| Alright, that's all. | ||
| We can do accents. | ||
| Accent challenge. | ||
| Name an accent. | ||
| Name an accent. | ||
| Dumb fucking fat Florida person. | ||
| Hey, what's up guys? | ||
| It's Perk Reiser. | ||
| I got tornadoes in Auckland. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Wait, Ari, I'll say a country. | ||
| You do the accent without saying the words, okay? | ||
| Okay, okay, okay. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Russia. | ||
| Don't say the words. | ||
| Just make the noises they make. | ||
| Okay, I'm not great at accents. | ||
| I'm not great at accents. | ||
| I'm not great at accents. | ||
| Don't do any words. | ||
| Don't do any words. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're in Japan. | |
| Have you ever heard the samurai speaking Sasquatch footage? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| One of the dumbest things that Duncan and I did when we were doing that show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You guys did this? | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| We went and studied Bigfoot. | ||
| One of the dumbest things. | ||
| Ari did the show with me. | ||
| And one of the things that we did when we studied Bigfoot was talk to a Bigfoot expert that was playing us some audio. | ||
| And some of the audio, it sounds like a samurai. | ||
| It sounds like... | ||
| And the guy was claiming that this was like a secret recording of Bigfoot. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Speaking samurai. | ||
| It was the dumbest fucking thing I'd ever heard in my life. | ||
| Did anything, by the way, in your conspiracy theories and what you challenge, was there anything that you ended up going, oh, that's not dumb? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, Morgellons disease. | ||
| Morgellons disease is a disease where people... | ||
| Is it Morgellons? | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| But you're saying something you didn't even think about before. | ||
| Yeah, I thought it was bullshit before because I had read that it was bullshit. | ||
| And what I read was that the people would think that they had things growing out of their skin so they'd be scratching themselves and they would add fibers to their skin and take pictures of it and say, look, I've got things growing out of my skin. | ||
| And that it was a hoax. | ||
| But then talking to a doctor who had Morgellons who explained to me that there's some sort of neurotoxic effect of Lyme disease. | ||
| And that everyone who has Morgellons also has Lyme disease. | ||
| And he was a legitimate doctor and a very smart guy. | ||
| And he was essentially saying that mainstream science in its rush to... | ||
| Prove he's gonna piss in that. | ||
| Try not to interrupt. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Just right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ari, come on, man. | |
| But you're gonna get us kicked off of YouTube with your dick out. | ||
| Balls are away. | ||
| Just cut straight to his dick. | ||
| Anyway, what was I saying? | ||
| Magellan's disease? | ||
| That that is a real disease. | ||
| That this Morgellons disease is... | ||
| What it is is Lyme disease. | ||
| There's a bunch of pathogens that come with Lyme disease. | ||
| It's not just the Lyme disease. | ||
| It's not like a pure one or a zero. | ||
| You have it or you don't. | ||
| It's a dirty tick that has a bunch of fucking horrible... | ||
| Would you know if you had Lyme disease? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You get a bullseye looking red mark around the area and the area hurts. | ||
| And then you start experiencing terrible symptoms like flu-like symptoms. | ||
| You gotta catch it quick. | ||
| Stop being able to read. | ||
| You're supposed to catch it quick. | ||
| On your show? | ||
| He wanted to brush his teeth and he couldn't go back and forth. | ||
| He was like, what the fuck? | ||
| My friend's kid got Bell's palsy where his face went numb. | ||
| Don't get me started. | ||
| I had a teacher that had Bell's palsy in high school and they kept him out and then he came back. | ||
| And he was okay? | ||
| No, but he came back while he still had the face paralysis. | ||
| We're all like, looking at this dude. | ||
| We had a student a year older than me at Bell's Palsy and we mocked them relentlessly like we should have. | ||
| Pro, pro, pro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
John Heffern got it on stage. | |
| No way. | ||
| He was on stage and his face started going on him and he had to hold his cheek over to finish his jokes. | ||
| Then he called his brother-in-law and he goes, I think I'm having a stroke. | ||
| I'm about to get on a plane. | ||
| I think I'm having a stroke. | ||
| The next morning, his face was numb and drooped, and his brother-in-law goes, go to the fucking doctor right now. | ||
| Yeah, what do you mean? | ||
| You're having a 20-hour stroke. | ||
| And it was Bell's Palsy. | ||
| And so what do they do about that? | ||
| How do they fix that? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Fucking nothing. | ||
| You just can't do anything, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just wait. | |
| Eddie Ift had it. | ||
| Dude, I wake up. | ||
| Eddie Ift had it? | ||
| Eddie Ift had it, too. | ||
| I think it's a virus. | ||
| You'd be good at it. | ||
| Dude, I think about Bell's Palsy every fucking morning. | ||
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Such a crazy morning thought! | ||
| Why would you think of that? | ||
| It's my ritual. | ||
| Every morning I wake up. | ||
| On the left I thought he was doing a Stallone impression. | ||
| He said Stallone has Bell's palsy too. | ||
| Does he? | ||
| He got it when he was young and sometimes it doesn't go away. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And so he wrote, so we're at about three moths. | ||
| Does it affect the spelling? | ||
| I don't know what the actual effects are. | ||
| Well, if you don't know how to spell, it doesn't help. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He looks better now. | |
| I hung out with him this weekend. | ||
| So is he back on stage? | ||
| He's back on stage. | ||
| How recently did this happen? | ||
| He spent like three weeks in his sister's basement just being like, it's never going to come back. | ||
| My career's over. | ||
| I can't go on stage. | ||
| He tried to do a show, and he said everyone was just staring at him like this. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| So, what do they do to fix it? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| You just wait? | ||
| You just wait until it starts coming back. | ||
| Yeah, I think you said reboot. | ||
| It was like, right? | ||
| Your face reboots. | ||
| So you've got to get KO'd. | ||
| Wait, so why do you think about this every morning? | ||
| Dude, especially when I'm getting ready for a special, I think like... | ||
| What if I got Bell's Palsy? | ||
| The morning of, that would be terrible. | ||
| The morning of my special, the secret time, I woke up and I smiled and I went, I beat Bell's Palsy. | ||
| That's the first thought I had. | ||
| That is the dumbest fucking thing. | ||
| Jesus Christ, how am I involved in this conversation? | ||
| I can't believe I'm involved in this conversation. | ||
| Bell palsy, you know what else I forget I think of? | ||
| Alopecia. | ||
| There's hair falling out? | ||
| Everyone gets out. | ||
| I had it when I was little. | ||
| Every comic at the store had it. | ||
| Burn had it. | ||
| Ahmed had it. | ||
| Everyone got it at one point, and I just was like, don't give me all the hair. | ||
| All the hair fell out? | ||
| Just in a circle. | ||
| Norman had it. | ||
| Weird patches. | ||
| Comics get it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Comics get it? | ||
| I had it in a circle in my head. | ||
| When I was a kid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think about alopecia, too. | ||
| Mike Tyson had it, remember? | ||
| That's why I fought so hard? | ||
| Yeah, Mike Tyson had a weird circle in his head for a while. | ||
| I didn't know it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait, you said you were going to dominate earlier. | ||
| What are you dominating? | ||
| You like to dominate? | ||
| You've got to give me the context again. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You said you like dominating. | ||
| Yeah, dominating life. | ||
| Yeah, dominating life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I crushed hard. | ||
| Oh, you have time to dominate because you're not on your phone. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's how you dominate. | ||
| I can masturbate multiple times a day instead of just once like you guys. | ||
| You moved in with a lady though, right? | ||
| I did. | ||
| Honestly, guys, it might not be this year about the fucking social media addiction and stuff. | ||
| Your wedding is next year? | ||
| Are you going to take that rock out of your dick home? | ||
| Take that rock out of your dick home. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to shoot some hot ones into you. | |
| I love you so much. | ||
| I got my dick fixed. | ||
| That's real love if you do that. | ||
| I got my pipes reconnected. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| They pulled a straw out of one of those sea turtles' noses and they used it to fix my dick. | ||
| You know that straw video with the sea turtle's nose? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's the most horrific video. | ||
| It's the reason why they don't have plastic straws. | ||
| If you're like, why the fuck do we have plastic cups to lids? | ||
| Why do we have plastic caps to water bottles? | ||
| Why don't we have plastic straws? | ||
| The reason why is because there's a fucking video of a turtle. | ||
| And they have a clamp. | ||
| I don't know if this is the main reason, but it is for a lot of people. | ||
| They clamped this straw in this turtle's mouth and they eventually pulled it in his turtle's nose rather. | ||
| It was deep in his nose. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I can't watch this. | ||
| Yes, you can. | ||
| Oh, there's like one of those. | ||
| So see, that's a straw that got stuck in his turtle's mouth. | ||
| It is so much harder. | ||
| It is so much harder to watch things happen to animals than to people. | ||
| How do we not know this wasn't a night of cocaine gone wrong? | ||
| Look at that poor turtle. | ||
| So he inhaled... | ||
| Oh, he's giant, too. | ||
| He's a fucking good one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
| So they realized that the straw was stuck, and apparently this is not... | ||
| Oh, it's bleeding? | ||
| This is not an unusual thing. | ||
| So they have to pull... | ||
| Wait, what did they pull it out? | ||
| Who's the fucking tweezer guy? | ||
| Get a real tweezer guy in there! | ||
| He's scared. | ||
| He's scared. | ||
| And he's got little hands, too. | ||
| He's got little fucking Thai hands. | ||
| Little bitch ass hands. | ||
| Grab it and pull the fucking thing. | ||
| He's out there saving turtles. | ||
| Pull the fucking thing out. | ||
| Poor turtle's going, no. | ||
| Oh, it's in his brain, dude. | ||
| It looks like Jim Norton's going, no, don't do it. | ||
| He's using a pocket knife. | ||
| Well, that's all he's got. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn, dude. | |
| You know what I would do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does he get it out? | |
| I would bite it with my face and I would pull it out with my neck. | ||
| Because you're a warrior. | ||
| Someone hold his fucking head. | ||
| And you care about the animals. | ||
| I care about the animals. | ||
| I'm a warrior for sea creatures. | ||
| Oh, there we go. | ||
| This has got to get it. | ||
| This has got to get it the fuck out. | ||
| He's got a leather man. | ||
| God, this guy's horrible. | ||
| Horrible. | ||
| I never want to play Operation with this guy. | ||
| It takes time, but it's worth it at the end. | ||
| Oh, he's trying to bite the shit. | ||
| He's like, what are you guys doing to me? | ||
| It was fine. | ||
| It was better before. | ||
| Leave me alone. | ||
| He's bleeding out of his fucking nose. | ||
| How did they get the sea turtle on the boat to notice it in the first place? | ||
| Guys, stop being a bitch. | ||
| Grab that guy. | ||
| Stop being a bitch. | ||
| He's not biting at you. | ||
| Here he goes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| Lost it again. | ||
| He's trying to do a fucking pull. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just got a gentle pull. | |
| He eventually gets it. | ||
| He eventually gets it. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| Please show me. | ||
| Please show him getting it. | ||
| There's still so much more. | ||
| Hold it hard. | ||
| Okay, the video's almost done. | ||
| Hold it hard. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| They're going to take that out and they're going to stick it in Ari's dick hole to fix his... | ||
| I'm not eating that turtle, by the way. | ||
| That's what they should do. | ||
| They should recycle it and use that to open up your dick pipe. | ||
| This is what they do. | ||
| They take that rock out, that calcified dick rock, make a nice ring for the little lady. | ||
| That is really romantic. | ||
| Dude, that would be romantic. | ||
| You connect your dick pipe with the actual tube that they pulled out of that turtle's nose. | ||
| Throw some diamonds in there, too, but you're good. | ||
| Fix your dick pipe, son. | ||
| Bling it. | ||
| Bling it out. | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| What if we each raise a dire wolf? | ||
| Like something like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Someone's drunk. | |
| Ugh! | ||
| Ugh! | ||
| Oh my god, that's funny. | ||
| Can I leave my car here? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| You can leave me inside if you want. | ||
| You have a car here? | ||
| Dude, we gotta fucking get your car straight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Remember we're gonna put all those jokes on the side of your car? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, do you like to laugh? | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Yeah, we gotta do that. | ||
| Yeah, we're gonna do that. | ||
| Dude, I just don't have a car, so it's tough, but a rental car. | ||
| I would be in on getting you a car, if it could say all that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| We're gonna rent you a Corvette and put a wrap on it. | ||
| Whatever happens to it, happens to it. | ||
| Yeah, we'll put a sober October wrap on that bitch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I said we all wrap our cars in Sober October. | ||
| Dude, you already have extra wrap. | ||
| You have a wrap? | ||
| He wrapped his bus. | ||
| I wrapped my bus. | ||
| I just bought like 10 wraps of my face. | ||
| It's so much fun. | ||
| I put my face on everything. | ||
| Oh, the bus champ. | ||
| I didn't even tell you. | ||
| Are you the bus champ or is Ari the bus champ? | ||
| I'm the tour bus champ. | ||
| No, you're not. | ||
| What are you doing, Ari? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| Is that Lyme's disease? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That's gross, too. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| You're so gross. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Poison Ivy. | ||
| You got poison ivy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey! | |
| Oh, you know what I bet would help you? | ||
| I bet some CBD oil. | ||
| Rub some CBD oil in that. | ||
| What am I, a doctor? | ||
| How'd you get poison ivy on your camping trip with Bobby? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, dude, put that down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Give it to us. | ||
| It's not catchy. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| That's what everybody with Ebola says. | ||
| It's not catchy? | ||
| You can't catch you? | ||
| Everybody with Ebola is like, no catchy. | ||
| No catchy. | ||
| I'm like, are you sure? | ||
| Why are you coughing, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why'd the guy next to you start coughing suddenly? | ||
| Isn't that a fucked up thing about diseases too? | ||
| They try to spread themselves. | ||
| They try to get out like aliens. | ||
| I did a meet and greet in Spokane and I'm doing it and the next guy rips his shirt off, puts his arm around me and he is burning on fire. | ||
| And I go, whoa bro, you are hot. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, I got a pretty bad fever. | ||
| I go, really? | ||
| And he's like, yeah man, sorry, I think you're going to get it too. | ||
| That is the perfect Burt fan. | ||
| I'm sick. | ||
| I want to hug you. | ||
| I'm a giant fan, but I'm taking my shirt off. | ||
| You're taking yours off too. | ||
| And then he'd probably be like, hey, do you mind if we kiss? | ||
| And Bird would be like, alright. | ||
| If you want to. | ||
| Remember the other night we were talking, I was drunk and I was talking about how my inner dialogue is, you think I'm weak? | ||
| Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So one of the ones is when guys go, hey man, it's always like big Italian guys, picture you kissing me on the cheek. | ||
| Kiss me on the fucking cheek. | ||
| And I always go, nah man. | ||
| Because I might hear my brain go, you think I'm fucking weak? | ||
| I got a part to kiss me on the cheek. | ||
| Kiss me on the cheek. | ||
| I'm going to lick your fucking nipples. | ||
| I left them niggling nipples. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You run into a lot of weird people out there in that world. | ||
| Dude, you with Bell's palsy for an hour? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It would be great. | |
| It would be great. | ||
| What if we just shot Botox in your face for a month? | ||
| Because that does work. | ||
| That's a good challenge. | ||
| I'm up for that challenge. | ||
| I knew a lady who shot too much and it affected her eyelid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| You got to be careful. | ||
| You get to the wrong doctor and they're like, yeah, one more shot. | ||
| A little more. | ||
| And you're like, yeah. | ||
| During the Me Too movement, I always smile at women just to make sure I'm not having Bell's palsy. | ||
| Imagine if your nose is running and you didn't even know it's a consequence and it's all numb. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| Doing shit to your face is just... | ||
| No. | ||
| I wouldn't mind a tiny face tattoo. | ||
| This is what we're going to do. | ||
| We're going to all get Botox so we can't move our face. | ||
| So you have to do your act like Joan Rivers with a frozen expression. | ||
| We're going to really start doing shit with our voices. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the only instrument you'll have. | |
| You can't raise your eyebrows at all. | ||
| Joan Rivers had bits about it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| She had so much plastic surgery. | ||
| Everyone knew about her plastic surgery. | ||
| You couldn't hide it. | ||
| It was like a mask. | ||
| You look like a surprised catfish. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Who said that? | ||
| Who's the lawyer? | ||
| The Mexican lawyer. | ||
| The best is when he told Flavor Flav, you look like a skeleton with duct tape wrapped around it. | ||
| I don't get that one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, we don't have our challenge yet. | |
| What's our challenge? | ||
| It should be hip-hop. | ||
| We have another hour. | ||
| There would be some fun of when you start getting a move down. | ||
| You're like, oh, what? | ||
| So wait, it should be something that we can do on the road, because we're all going to be on the road. | ||
| Barefoot running. | ||
| I'm telling you this, it might not be this year, and it might not be next year, but eventually you guys will come into my idea of mental health. | ||
| Can I tell you what Joe was saying? | ||
| I don't think this is a bad idea. | ||
| I'm saying Joe's saying this, obviously there's a conversation we had, I don't know if you want to share this, but he was saying, we were backstage and he was like, it's not bad to do another one of these halfway in. | ||
| So if you want to do another, do like, I'm cool with anything we decide. | ||
| I just think it should be hip-hop dancing and we should do it twice a year. | ||
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| One other thing. | ||
| You were saying earlier how your body moves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So, I want to know, like, are you flexible? | |
| Are you super flexible? | ||
| Very. | ||
| Yeah, show me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| How flexible are you? | ||
| Can you do this where you touch your hands behind your back? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| No, no, behind yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's not do this again! | |
| This way, this way. | ||
| No, this way, stupid. | ||
| Behind you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I got it. | |
| Let's see it. | ||
| Can you do the splits? | ||
| Yeah, I can do the splits. | ||
| Show us on the table right now. | ||
| Can you do a split? | ||
| Yes, I can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He can. | |
| You can do a split. | ||
| He only buys jeans that have lycra in them. | ||
| Show me how to do a split first and then I'll show you if I can do a split. | ||
| Listen, I don't want to get a muscle pull so I'll go down as far as I can go without warming up. | ||
| Same here. | ||
| Yeah, you do the same. | ||
| Why don't you guys just save time and touch dicks now? | ||
| Alright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, here we go. | |
| Oh, fuck me. | ||
| He is down. | ||
| His dick is about that far off the ground, and I think if he didn't have jeans on, the gravity would take his dick all the way to the ground. | ||
| Okay, that's legit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bert? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And you want me to go that far? | ||
| I want you to go farther if you can. | ||
| So now, wait a minute. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So now, if I was at the end of yoga class, I could definitely hit a full split. | |
| And you want me to go all the way down like you did? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Okay, ready Bert? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Those pants are not even designed for that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Guys, let's keep going. | |
| Keep going. | ||
| Don't hurt yourself. | ||
| I'm hurting myself. | ||
| Don't hurt yourself. | ||
| Dude, I gotta tell you, that was really close. | ||
| It's a lot further. | ||
| This is the exact conversation we had all month last October. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got a knee down. | |
| What in the fuck are you saying, man? | ||
| Dude, but look, here's the deal. | ||
| What's the deal? | ||
| I'm not going into Sober October half-ass. | ||
| I'm definitely charging every one of you motherfuckers, just like I did last year. | ||
| You can't follow up one of the shittiest all-time specials of all time with something even shittier. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta, like, do something better. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| No, whatever we decide to do, I'm still going full tilt. | ||
| But you said you did that last year? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no. | |
| Last year you went full tilt? | ||
| No, last year I saw shit. | ||
| No, last year he was awful, and he's gonna come back strong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| But he was saying he's going to come after us like he did last year. | ||
| I think, pretty sure. | ||
| Can we rewind that? | ||
| No, I was saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he say something like that? | |
| Listen, I'm drunk. | ||
| Listen, hear me out. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I was saying, I'm not going to not talk shit this year. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| You know it can't work anymore, right? | ||
| But that's why when I do it, it'll be so effective. | ||
| Mickey Mantle's dead. | ||
| Mickey Mantle's not dead. | ||
| Mickey Mantle's dead. | ||
| Literally, literal Mickey Mantle is dead. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Acknowledge that I have the Mickey Mantle gene. | ||
| You too first. | ||
| I've already acknowledged it many times. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Acknowledge it. | ||
| It does have the Mickey Mantle gene. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Dude, my dad spoke at the memorial. | ||
| At the Holocaust Memorial. | ||
| And I so badly. | ||
| He mentioned the Mickey Mantle gene? | ||
| No, I wanted to. | ||
| He goes to talk about the people who died of disease and stuff like that. | ||
| A lot of people and I wanted to yell out, they didn't have the Mickey Mantle gene. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I did a date, I don't know, recently, and it was with the promoters that you work with now, and so you work with like one promoter. | ||
| Easy, bro. | ||
| What? | ||
| You work with the promoter! | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, we all do. | ||
| Okay, keep going. | ||
| He's got more than one promoter is what he's trying to say. | ||
| Yeah, the Mickey Mantle too. | ||
| It's like a single guy when you're like, yeah, we were hanging out with your girlfriend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got this one guy with the girlfriend chart. | |
| He's got this one guy. | ||
| He's going to get a call. | ||
| I guess I'm your promoter, Bert. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bert, I guess I'm the one promoter you work with. | |
| Hey, Bert, I just want to tell you, I heard Tom talking about the promoters and it made me proud that I'm your promoter. | ||
| Oh, they know. | ||
| They fucking know. | ||
| Because I know that there's someone else. | ||
| If there was someone else, you would, uh... | ||
| I mean, you wouldn't be that hurtful that you would be referring to someone else as your promoter. | ||
| So I know you're talking about me. | ||
| I don't want to be presumptuous, Bert. | ||
| I am fucking sweating right now. | ||
| Bert, I don't want to be presumptuous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They brought up the gene, and they were like, I've done a bunch of dates with him, and I tried to hang out, but... | |
| A couple days, they're like, I can't do it, man. | ||
| The booze. | ||
| Yeah, they're like, I can't hang out with him. | ||
| Very few people can keep up with my pace on the road. | ||
| Mark Maron, or Mark Norman, I'm broken. | ||
| I don't know if I can keep up, but don't try to. | ||
| Do every third drink. | ||
| You broke him? | ||
| Is it nightly? | ||
| Why did he try? | ||
| I don't know, it's just, I don't even notice I'm doing it. | ||
| The party follows you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| I'm saying, why did he try? | ||
| Why would he try to keep up with you? | ||
| Rookie move. | ||
| Rookie move. | ||
| I told him not to. | ||
| I said, you go on your pace, just be with him. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Is that guy's name? | ||
| The promoter? | ||
| You're one guy. | ||
| The one guy he works with. | ||
| I wasn't saying anything. | ||
| I saw a new story. | ||
| You used to fucking... | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| All right, so one thing. | ||
| I think we all agreed that the surfing challenge was too crazy, right? | ||
| That was dumb. | ||
| That's Burke's idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| That's Burke's idea. | ||
| Surfing challenge. | ||
| I was thinking it might be a fun idea. | ||
| The amount of time on a board. | ||
| None of us are going to surf? | ||
| I know, but here's the thing. | ||
| I don't live anywhere near a fucking... | ||
| You're going to be in Europe. | ||
| You've got to move, bitch. | ||
| It's just too hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You live near New York and you live near LA? They have Long Beach, but you're going to be on the road. | |
| Oh, fuck, whatever. | ||
| Where do people surf in New York? | ||
| Are we really dancing? | ||
| Long Beach dancing is what we're doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| What's that? | ||
| We're going to dance. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Somewhere there. | ||
| Joe, think about... | ||
| You walk on stage. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| The lights come behind you. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Another light comes down. | ||
| The music starts, and you start. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom, boom, boom. | |
| And then people are like, oh, shit! | ||
| And then the beat breaks, and you go into something else, and you learn how to flip in this month. | ||
| Now you've already bought some capiterra. | ||
| You only have 45 minutes left to give. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
45? | |
| Capiterra, Joe. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| You're in? | ||
| You bang out a split? | ||
| You guys are high. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| There's no way they're going to be able to do splits in... | ||
| Dude, I'm going to be dead. | ||
| I really didn't think you could do a split. | ||
| That's fucking impressive. | ||
| Why would I lie? | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| Because that's what I do. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I can do a split. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| You really didn't think you could do a split, though? | ||
| No, I didn't know. | ||
| I mean, to split, a grown-up doing a split is tough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You got pretty... | ||
| Not that close, but it was good. | ||
| Yeah, there's pictures of me doing a split. | ||
| Yeah, multiple ones that he was posing for. | ||
| Can you sit crisscross applesauce and your legs don't hurt? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Look at his toes straining there, by the way. | ||
| Look at his fucking spasming toes. | ||
| The one big toe is way, way off. | ||
| What year is that? | ||
| Yeah, that's not what I'm doing. | ||
| I'm pulling my feet up so that I can push down with my hips. | ||
| How come the one toe says no to you and the other toes say yes? | ||
| Zoom in on Quadrant Force. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Look how far away they are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm doing this! | |
| I'm doing this. | ||
| If I spread my feet out like that, and I'm lifting my toes up instead of pointing them down, I'm doing that so I can lean in with my crotch so you stretch the abductor-adductor muscle. | ||
| Guys, guys. | ||
| Gymnastics. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| This guy breaks his hip every time he fucking gets out of the shower. | ||
| Still willing to try. | ||
| How's the Israeli gymnastics team? | ||
| He can't do gymnastics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have no idea. | |
| He won't be able to do anything with that hand for like a year. | ||
| They say I can squeeze a ball at about 19 months. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you serious? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Wait, where's your break? | ||
| Where's the break? | ||
| Okay, so on this side, it's a bone here, chipped off, and just free-falling. | ||
| It's Tom Petty there. | ||
| And the other one on here, they have a push-in break that they only see in young children. | ||
| I told him I eat a lot of gummy-related products, and he goes, that might be... | ||
| That could, for sure, that could be part of it. | ||
| So two different breaks. | ||
| And this is from a fall? | ||
| It was a pretty nasty fall. | ||
| How come they only see it usually in one children, in young children? | ||
| They have unformed, their bones aren't just developing. | ||
| It's like a compression break. | ||
| You eat so much sugar, your bones don't form right. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| My daughter had that break at 13 months. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's like a fold, yeah. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Ari was hauling ass. | ||
| Gymnastics is out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is good. | |
| Ski challenge. | ||
| You were there when he broke his arm? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Ski challenge. | ||
| Fucking shredding shit in front of him. | ||
| What would be the challenge if we had a ski challenge? | ||
| We couldn't do it in October. | ||
| I guess it was how much you guys could eat my dust. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Do you go Black Diamonds? | ||
| Do you go down Black Diamonds? | ||
| Yes, he does. | ||
| Are you like a legit skier? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'll answer this for you, Ari. | ||
| I love skiing. | ||
| Ari is fearless, and he can go down anything, but it looks disgusting. | ||
| It's like watching your parents fuck. | ||
| It is. | ||
| He snowplows the entire time, just like pizza pie, like this. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But he hauls fucking ass. | ||
| You haul ass snowplows? | ||
| Like 60 miles an hour. | ||
| 60 miles an hour, Joe. | ||
| I see a bump, I'm like, I'm hitting air. | ||
| And I fucking jump, get air. | ||
| That's why you're always breaking things. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Can you call up your notes again? | ||
| Yeah, what do you need? | ||
| That's the last note. | ||
| It said, dominate. | ||
| Yeah, thanks. | ||
| So what have you broken an ankle and a wrist in the last two years? | ||
| Wrist, toe, chasing a dog. | ||
| That doesn't count as something. | ||
| Poison Ivy. | ||
| How are you chasing it like this? | ||
| You know who's a sick skier? | ||
| Like a badass skier. | ||
| Costa. | ||
| No. | ||
| that promoter that Burt works with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That guy is fucking really good. | |
| Tommy buns. | ||
| Oh my god, I'm gonna pass out. | ||
| We have to figure one out, man. | ||
| I really think that the direction I'm going in with hip hop dance is the right direction. | ||
| Shut your mouth. | ||
| Because, Joe, it puts you out of our playing field. | ||
| What is your playing field? | ||
| Hip hop dance? | ||
| Explain to me this, though. | ||
| It's no one's playing field. | ||
| I don't agree with that. | ||
| I don't like that it's something someone's already done. | ||
| That's why even if I did this, I would have to go further. | ||
| Here's the only thing I don't like about the Hip Hop Dance Challenge. | ||
| No, I like that one. | ||
| Replay that again? | ||
| The running one. | ||
| I feel like we already know how it's going to go. | ||
| We know how it's going to go. | ||
| Dominate. | ||
| You're going to talk shit to Joe. | ||
| I'm an idiot. | ||
| Dominate. | ||
| Because we would just track miles. | ||
| Is that what we would do? | ||
| We get the rock shoes. | ||
| We already know how it's going to go. | ||
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| How do you guys think it's going to go? | ||
| No, there's no thinking. | ||
| We already know how it's going to go. | ||
| Thank you? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Psycho over here would fucking do, he'd log like 2,100 miles. | ||
| Everyone's going to die. | ||
| Yeah, and then he weighs a fucking buck 35, so halfway through the month he'd be like, you know, I can actually do 10 at a fucking chop now. | ||
| He'd fucking pick up all these miles. | ||
| And then you'd break down. | ||
| And then Ari would get mad at me for doing steroids. | ||
| He brought me up at the Comedy Store. | ||
| I was the Lance Armstrong of comedy. | ||
| We would be... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He said he won a So Rocked Over contest because he was on steroids. | |
| That was your introduction. | ||
| Is that what you said? | ||
| I said, this next comic is so funny, he recently won a fitness challenge by cheating on steroids with his friends. | ||
| He beat me to fitness contest! | ||
| I remember being with Ari when he realized you were using steroids in the car and he goes... | ||
| Not steroids, testosterone replacement therapy. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If I start using steroids on top of that... | |
| If I actually used steroids, it would be even more ridiculous. | ||
| Hey, by the way, what are you, a fucking chick? | ||
| Keep drinking over here. | ||
| Yeah, let's do this. | ||
| Come on, I need some confidence. | ||
| I say we do an archery challenge. | ||
| Now, hear me out. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| How about least amount of time spent with your kids? | ||
| Ah, Ari wins. | ||
| I probably beat him. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| That's probably true. | ||
| Ari, I'm hanging out with your kids. | ||
| Okay, honestly, for real, for real. | ||
| No joke. | ||
| I don't mind the phone thing. | ||
| It's definitely not catching on. | ||
| And I don't mind the fitness hip-hop challenge. | ||
| Ooh. | ||
| It would be a good weight loss thing, just the same as yoga was, like a ridiculous... | ||
| It's a fitness thing. | ||
| You're thinking about doing it to get... | ||
| You actually want to lose weight, huh? | ||
| Lose weight? | ||
| No, I'm talking about that recently. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| After the yoga, my skin... | ||
| And it's probably a lot because of the booze, too, and whatever else I do. | ||
| But, like, my skin looked good. | ||
| I looked good. | ||
| I looked good. | ||
| I didn't hate the yoga, to be honest with you. | ||
| Yoga was very good for you. | ||
| I'll tell you another component you mentioned earlier. | ||
| I did this for, like, a... | ||
| Maybe 12-day stretch at the end of the weight loss challenge was nothing but water. | ||
| And that makes you feel fucking amazing after a minute. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Because we were doing the weight loss battle, and I just didn't drink anything but water for almost two weeks. | ||
| And everything changes. | ||
| The way you look, the way you feel. | ||
| I only drank water. | ||
| We drink terrible things. | ||
| We? | ||
| Drinking them right now. | ||
| See, I was making a joke about my right arm just puts shit in my body that I don't want it to do. | ||
| He's got a mind of his own. | ||
| He's just like, I go, what the fuck are you doing, asshole? | ||
| Drinking. | ||
| Yeah, Diet Coke, Coke, orange juice, anything but water, right? | ||
| Most people. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you're usually... | ||
| For me, I mean, I can get by on a lot of combination of coffee and water. | ||
| Yeah, I could just do coffee and water and be fine. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I still will have some other things, but I don't do it a lot. | ||
| Just coffee and water. | ||
| But when you just do water, though, when you just drink water, you definitely... | ||
| After you get over the... | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Withdrawal? | ||
| Whatever the other thing is? | ||
| You definitely feel good, man. | ||
| I went a day without caffeine. | ||
| By the end of the day, I had a headache. | ||
| I get upset. | ||
| I get angry. | ||
| I have a headache. | ||
| I get a real headache. | ||
| That's exactly what it is. | ||
| I'm telling you, not this year, next year, whatever. | ||
| When you do get off your phones, you're going to have those same withdrawal symptoms. | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| You're right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| I got back on my phone. | ||
| I was on the tour bus off my phone. | ||
| We were texting about some bullshit, and then I was like, ah, I'm hopping on Twitter. | ||
| And I got on Twitter, and it became my life right again. | ||
| Like dipping. | ||
| I cannot dip tobacco. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because if I do, I'm right back in. | ||
| You dipped for a long time? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I miss it so much. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Florida will do it to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why did you miss that? | |
| That's why I started dipping. | ||
| And you won't go back to it, but you drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Except for that. | |
| People were doing it. | ||
| Oh, it's so bad for you. | ||
| Dipping's worse for you than booze. | ||
| I don't know if it's worse. | ||
| Definitely not good for you. | ||
| It's definitely not good for you. | ||
| There's no geniuses out there dipping. | ||
| I love that fucking burn right here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The burn is... | |
| Oh! | ||
| Let's start dipping for that month. | ||
| You ain't thinking that good. | ||
| It's a nice little signal. | ||
| It's a flag. | ||
| If you've got a big fucking fat lip of dip, you're letting people know. | ||
| You're making irrational choices. | ||
| You're letting people know you're strong. | ||
| You're ready for anything. | ||
| Zach Galifianakis used to go on stage at the Improv with a dip in his mouth. | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| Yeah, he's a Carolina guy. | ||
| No way, did he really? | ||
| I swear to God, he'd go on with a big dip in his mouth and just spit. | ||
| Did he tell the people that he dipped in his mouth? | ||
| No, of course he wouldn't. | ||
| Zach as a comic was so much fucking fun. | ||
| He was a great comic. | ||
| I miss him as a comic. | ||
| He is hilarious. | ||
| Did you see him at Brody's? | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Oh, he... | ||
| Brody at a party? | ||
| Brody's gone. | ||
| Jesus, man. | ||
| Brody passed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Zach opened it. | ||
| Dude, Zach was amazing. | ||
| And he was fucking hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, his live stand-up is... | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| No, his stand-up was... | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| I used to love watching him. | ||
| He's super tight with Brody. | ||
| He's so out there, Jack. | ||
| My wife doesn't think anything's funny. | ||
| Zach Galifianakis had a joke that to this day I think is just a great joke. | ||
| You know it's time to do laundry when you get out of the shower and dry off with a shoe. | ||
| Dude, fucking just great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| Yeah, one that I'll never forget where he was doing crab work. | ||
| He's like, what's your name, Joe? | ||
| And it's like, what's your name? | ||
| Bert. | ||
| It was just like, what? | ||
| Out of nowhere at the improv. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bullshit! | |
| He was funny at Brody's ceremony. | ||
| Not as funny as Jeff Ross. | ||
| Jeff Ross. | ||
| Jeff Ross. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Jeff. | ||
| Well, Jeff's... | ||
| But... | ||
| Well, Zach's was like touching and sweet and funny, and it was like everything you'd want at a memorial. | ||
| Ross just came up there and just... | ||
| Because everybody was so kind of, you know, sad and tense and emotional. | ||
| He opened... | ||
| His opening joke was so savage and hilarious. | ||
| Brody's, Brody's, all Brody's high school friends had gone up, like seven of them. | ||
| And then friends from baseball, like telling all these, like so there was, you know, you see Zach, and then like three of these friends, and then another comic, and then like three of these friends. | ||
| And then Jeff just went up and he goes, you know, after hearing so many of Brody's high school friends come up and speak about him, I know I killed himself. | ||
| In the fucking room. | ||
| The place just... | ||
| His mom was in the room. | ||
| He had to wait like 30 seconds to talk because everybody just fucking fell out of their seats. | ||
| It was. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's what really comedy is best at. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he, Jeff, is so good at that. | |
| Yeah, that's his world. | ||
| Ball busting. | ||
| Oh my god, the best. | ||
| He's the best at it. | ||
| So no hip-hop dancing, boys. | ||
| I don't know, dude. | ||
| Honestly, what you're going to see, Joe, is you're going to see an onslaught of people online going, Joe, hip-hop dancing is not a bad idea. | ||
| This is where you and I differ. | ||
| I'm not going to see shit. | ||
| That's why I'm so happy. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me see you pop and lock your way out to the door. | |
| Why don't you dance your way out to the door? | ||
| Dude, like vanilla ice. | ||
| Hey, take my kombucha bottle out with you. | ||
| So, it should be something that none of us are happy with. | ||
| I'm not happy with this show. | ||
| I think the fun thing about Subur October, when we first did it, was that we were all miserable together. | ||
| Joe wasn't so miserable, but me, you, and Tom would all just commiserate. | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| Well, I didn't like being sober. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| And I didn't like the weird dreams that I was having when I was going through THC withdrawals when my REM sleep was kicking in. | ||
| That's when I realized that THC definitely suppresses REM sleep. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| You think it does? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| It's proven. | ||
| It's proven it does. | ||
| It does something weird to your sleep. | ||
| And Dr. Matthew Walker is a sleep doctor. | ||
| That's the best way to describe him, right? | ||
| Oh, I'd listen to that podcast. | ||
| Crazy podcast, but he talked about it, the mechanism, what THC does. | ||
| It helps people go to sleep, but there's certain parts of the sleep that you're not getting. | ||
| Now, there's an argument that not getting that sleep is okay. | ||
| That you're getting plenty of sleep because the reason why THC puts you in that dream, you're recovering. | ||
| There's an argument that somebody made online that I don't know if it's correct. | ||
| Someone wrote an article about it. | ||
| That is okay to not get that. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Whatever kind of sleep that came from the THC. Let's see who can sleep the most in October. | ||
| Love that idea. | ||
| Love that idea. | ||
| Most hours sleeping. | ||
| Do you take Ambien? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No? | |
| No. | ||
| Do you take anything to go to sleep? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'll take Xanax every now and then. | ||
| My cardiologist told me never to take them. | ||
| So I'll get a prescription for 30 for a year and I won't use them. | ||
| He told you never to take them, so I'd take 30 in a year. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He gave me a prescription for 30. Oh, but you didn't use it at all? | ||
| He goes, don't take them. | ||
| They melt your brain. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And you know what's so funny is they do melt your brain. | ||
| How so? | ||
| If you take one, the next two days... | ||
| I remember morning radio, like old school morning radio, when you go in, you have to be on to go to the next subject and slide your joke in. | ||
| And you remember leaving going, God damn it, I'm sharp. | ||
| Take a Xanax, and that doesn't happen for two days. | ||
| You can't jump in a conversation like that. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| I noticed it because I was taking them and I just stopped and I was like, oh, I'm a lot sharper, just fucking nothing. | ||
| So like if you would go on stage and have to ad-lib something, you just wouldn't have it in you? | ||
| First time I ever took one, I got on a plane thinking, because I used to have a drink on the plane and start writing jokes. | ||
| I took a Xanax and, oh, these are going to flow out of me. | ||
| And I just sat there staring at the paper, going like, my brain's turned off. | ||
| All the fucking scary thoughts are gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Taking what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Xanax? | |
| Xanax, yeah. | ||
| It's a great one. | ||
| I can't believe I have to pee again. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, I do too many podcasts in a row. | ||
| I do two in a row. | ||
| I drank like 18 bottles of water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm in love with Lambs Armstrong's fucking coffee. | |
| It's Laird Hamilton's coffee. | ||
| Laird Hamilton's coffee. | ||
| Is this his? | ||
| That's Laird Hamilton's coffee machine. | ||
| That's the fucking greatest coffee I've ever had. | ||
| What's so unique about it? | ||
| It actually has an R in there. | ||
| Turmeric. | ||
| Turmeric and what else is in there? | ||
| I didn't know it had an R in there until like a week ago. | ||
| Turmeric, yeah. | ||
| It always sounds like turmeric. | ||
| That's what I thought it was. | ||
| Turmeric. | ||
| I thought it was turmeric. | ||
| Can I combine the mornings to just get coffee and take off? | ||
| Is that cool? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anytime. | ||
| Fuck yeah, of course. | ||
| Let's put parameters around that. | ||
| There's so many times I want to come over here and just do bench press. | ||
| Dude, you can come over anytime you want. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Joe says that, and then every once in a while... | ||
| Someone will take advantage. | ||
| He'll be like, whatever! | ||
| Come to the UFC whenever you want! | ||
| And then someone will be like, can I get every single one this year? | ||
| I'll be like, fuck. | ||
| But that's abuse, man. | ||
| There have been people that do abuse things. | ||
| I've had people that say, hey man, I want to come to the UFC. I go, yeah, sure. | ||
| Can I get eight tickets? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, what? | |
| Eight? | ||
| Just ask for eight fucking tickets to a sold-out fight? | ||
| I wish there was a gym membership here. | ||
| To Rogan Enterprises? | ||
| Let me know. | ||
| We're here all the time. | ||
| I just need this stretch. | ||
| I'm not that guy. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| During a podcast, the security guys, they work out. | ||
| Just go work out. | ||
| You see them on there. | ||
| It's like watching Alien here where you're like, where are they in the ship? | ||
| You can see them everywhere. | ||
| It's so cool here, man. | ||
| This is rad, dude. | ||
| I want to create this for myself. | ||
| You can. | ||
| I'll help you. | ||
| I'm talking to my promoter about it. | ||
| That guy? | ||
| What's his name again? | ||
| Roger. | ||
| Roger. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| That's not his name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| You know what this place is missing? | ||
| A gun range. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| I'm gonna go to one. | ||
| Like one of them gun ranges where the fucking paper comes at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a place here that does... | |
| What's it called? | ||
| Laser tag? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| A place that does... | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Tactical training? | ||
| Tactical training. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm going with Reggie Watts. | ||
| You're going with Reggie? | ||
| Reggie Watts and I are going. | ||
| Yeah, in Simi Valley. | ||
| You guys want to come? | ||
| Yeah, I think that might be the place. | ||
| I just talked to somebody. | ||
| We're doing no training. | ||
| That might be it even. | ||
| Yeah, I bet that's it. | ||
| Yeah, Reggie and I are going to do it, and then we're going to do a podcast afterwards. | ||
| Why does he want to do it? | ||
| Yeah, Reggie's from Montana, you know. | ||
| Reggie knows guns. | ||
| Can I tell you something? | ||
| Have you ever seen him perform live? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| His music? | ||
| Just perform. | ||
| Yeah, just like on a show. | ||
| I've never seen him. | ||
| You ever seen him do a show? | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| You will feel like what you do... | ||
| Is nothing. | ||
| Is not a talent. | ||
| Like, is not a skill. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| I saw this dude do a... | ||
| This is years ago. | ||
| This is, like, at least seven years ago. | ||
| Maybe eight years ago. | ||
| He did a 10 to... | ||
| At most, 15-minute set. | ||
| And it was so unbelievable that he got a prolonged standing ovation on a fucking 10-minute set. | ||
| Do you know how crazy your 10-minute set has to be? | ||
| What was he doing? | ||
| Dude, he was just improvising songs on the spot, and then he would do that thing where he would make a certain sound, and then with the machine you'd tap it, and it loops, and then start building it, and he would do that. | ||
| And then he would just have a funny aside about something, and then take it back. | ||
| But the songs he was building in the moment were so... | ||
| It wasn't like he was going like... | ||
| You like that? | ||
| I mean, it was like a full orchestra. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You see it and you go, there's something about musicians that when you can see a certain musician, you don't view a comedian where you go like, oh my fucking God, I cannot believe the level of talent of that person. | ||
| You might think they're really funny or laugh a lot, but you're not going to be like, I've never seen something like that. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| And with music, I think that... | ||
| That can happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's that talented. | |
| I saw him stand everybody up at Bonnaroo, a place where everybody was bombing. | ||
| Just a tent. | ||
| It's not for comedy anyway. | ||
| He's got everybody on their feet. | ||
| He just has a power. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's like that, yeah. | ||
| Super nice guy, too. | ||
| That dude's super talented. | ||
| But then he puts you in the crowd. | ||
| If he's not talking to you, you're also like, now you're standing up and doing whatever. | ||
| I talked to somebody that went on a tour with him around that time and it was like four of them a night doing like ten cities together and I was like, what order did you guys pick? | ||
| He was like, what do you fucking think? | ||
| That dude went last every night. | ||
| You never want to follow someone who's really good at music. | ||
| You just talk? | ||
| Yeah, you suck. | ||
| They used to have a problem with that with middle acts. | ||
| That was one of the things that happened with... | ||
| With Mitch Hedberg. | ||
| Mitch Hedberg was on the road, and the middle act was a guy who was doing raps. | ||
| He had raps and songs and things he would sing, and he was crushing. | ||
| And then Hedberg would go on afterwards, and Hedberg's super deadpan. | ||
| Deadpan, slow. | ||
| That is the worst... | ||
| Who booked that? | ||
| Or you ever have a middle act in a club who just stayed a middle act but for like 15 years but became super proficient doing 20 minutes and you're like, this is fucking thunder. | ||
| Oh yeah! | ||
| And it would be like a guy who's like, you know, he became an older guy. | ||
| Ladies, you know what I'm talking about. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| But it's like to a T. Roy Johnson. | ||
| Roy Johnson in Tampa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wasn't going to say his name. | |
| Roy Johnson in Tampa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You said his name? | |
| I don't think he's not in stand-up anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait a minute. | |
| I thought Roy was the name of your... | ||
| What's your promoter's name? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut the fuck up. | |
| It's Roger! | ||
| Roy Johnson was a monster on stage in Tampa, and you could not fucking follow that guy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He was a monster. | ||
| He quit doing comedy. | ||
| He's selling cars in Tulsa now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| He was... | ||
| You could not follow that motherfucker. | ||
| Sam Tripoli and him had beef because they did a show together. | ||
| And there was a secret shopper in the audience. | ||
| He used to hire secret shoppers to rate the comedians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In Tampa. | |
| Yeah, I remember this. | ||
| And Roy destroyed. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Yeah, no, he did. | ||
| I remember. | ||
| I had him, too. | ||
| I had him for a weekend. | ||
| It was a hard guy to follow. | ||
| You worked with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And those guys, too. | |
| They think, like, I'm better than the headliner. | ||
| And you're like, I can't disagree with you 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, here's another thing though, but when you're keyed into that, like when you get in and on Thursday you see that, it definitely raises your game for the whole weekend. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Because you'll see it. | ||
| And that guy will have that. | ||
| He'll be the guy that stayed in that city. | ||
| How the fuck did he quit and start selling cars if he's that funny? | ||
| Because he was a feature. | ||
| What is he going to do for a hundred bucks a set? | ||
| But he probably, if I remember right, probably didn't start at like 20 or 22. I think he was a little older. | ||
| When he started, which kind of moves it. | ||
| And he also, it's like... | ||
| Wanted to stay in town. | ||
| Well, I think... | ||
| I think. | ||
| A relationship will always make it happen. | ||
| I'm friends with Roy, but no, I think that it was the thing that you get addicted to murdering. | ||
| And you don't grow past murdering. | ||
| And you don't go like, I'm going to go up and take chances because I want to blow the headliner offstage. | ||
| Now, I'm not shitting on Roy, but he just destroyed. | ||
| But I don't think he ever took the chance where he was like, I'm going to go up and bomb tonight and see if I can figure something out. | ||
| I think that's ultimately what happens to the features. | ||
| There's a lot of them, man. | ||
| I worked with all of them. | ||
| There's some pro features for sure. | ||
| I had one I remember who, he's the story of the guy who was headlining in those clubs for like a decade or more. | ||
| Didn't like break out, break out, but obviously he was like a proficient comedian. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Then, like, you know, it always has, like, somebody has, like, personal stuff happen, and then it's, like, family stuff, and, you know, for whatever reason, then they're, like, still in it, but now they've been doing it, like, 25 years, and then just needed the work, so it would take middle weeks. | ||
| I mean, you know, those dudes would fucking... | ||
| Hurt you. | ||
| Oh, yeah, dude. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Guys who really knew how to crush, especially they knew local references. | ||
| And then they're just like, and they've been doing it for, imagine 25 years and they're like, just do 20 and do it for like 10 weeks in a row. | ||
| Those dudes are assassins. | ||
| They get sharp. | ||
| They don't even care if you're like tired of your material. | ||
| It's like, I'm just here to kill. | ||
| That's all the headliners in Boston. | ||
| Yeah, the Boston guys. | ||
| That's all they did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| Because those guys would do 15 or 20 a night. | ||
| They'd do 15, 20 a night and then they would do it like three, four of them in a row and then bring up Billy Crystal. | ||
| I'm not joking. | ||
| Billy Crystal ate shit at Nick's Comedy Stop that way. | ||
| A lot of guys did. | ||
| They set them up. | ||
| It's rude. | ||
| They set up these big name headliners. | ||
| A lot of it was jealousy. | ||
| This fucking guy thinks he can come here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| And they would set them up. | ||
| Bang, bang, bang. | ||
| They would put their biggest hitters. | ||
| Steve Sweeney, Kevin Knox, Don Gavin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bang, bang, bang. | |
| Lenny Clark. | ||
| Boom, boom, boom. | ||
| And then these poor bastards would come in from out of town. | ||
| And these guys would talk in all this Boston talk. | ||
| And then you've got a bullshit-ass act anyway. | ||
| You know, you're just kind of drifting. | ||
| You're just in between movies. | ||
| You thought you'd do a little comedy. | ||
| Make yourself feel good. | ||
| Go up and see your adoring fans. | ||
| Hey, yeah, I'm just gonna fuck around in Boston. | ||
| I'll just go down there, and I don't really have an act right now. | ||
| I'm just piecing it together, but I'll be fine. | ||
| And then you watch Gavin smash, and Sweeney smash, and the fucking room is falling apart. | ||
| And you see these poor guys, like, the look in their eye, knowing they were going to certain death. | ||
| Nothing worse than following a crossover black act. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crossover? | |
| Like a black guy who can play to white audiences, where you just go up and you're young, you're like 32. Feels racist. | ||
| Taking marketing classes? | ||
| Feels racist. | ||
| I don't know if it is, but I'm still listening. | ||
| I'll just say his name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
B.T. would fucking destroy. | |
| I can't hold my piss anymore. | ||
| Go piss, go piss. | ||
| I can't boot your battle right there. | ||
| Do you think the hardest act to follow would be like BT? Oh, BT was an impossible follow-up. | ||
| Okay, hardest act to follow, me and my Stacey always do this, but also the place. | ||
| So just to give you an example of what I'm talking about, following Mike Marino at a fucking cop convention. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got it. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I got it. | ||
| Okay, go ahead. | ||
| I'm going to tell you the hardest weekend I've ever had in my entire fucking life. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I go to Miami. | ||
| I almost don't believe you. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Already? | ||
| No, I don't because I always saw him fucking... | ||
| He's one of those guys that could just at least kill. | ||
| At least do well afterwards. | ||
| I get booked in Miami. | ||
| It's my first headlining week for the improvs. | ||
| And I don't sell any tickets. | ||
| And they give me a call and they say, we need to bring in another comic who's already in town to help you sell tickets. | ||
| What are you doing right now? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I'm just taking my shoes off. | ||
| And your socks off? | ||
| I don't know, dude. | ||
| These fucking mushrooms are far stronger than I thought they were. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| I forgot too. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| I'm sorry, I forgot that. | ||
| I was like, this is insane, man. | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, oh yeah. | |
| He's taking his shoes and socks off? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| What are you doing right now? | ||
| I mean, you're pissing at the table, you're taking the fucking socks off. | ||
| Alright, sorry. | ||
| So you're in Miami. | ||
| I do want to hear this. | ||
| I just was super distracted. | ||
| I'm almost passed out again. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| So you're in Miami. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And what happens? | ||
| There's another comic in town, and he's going to co-headline with you. | ||
| But the problem is, he's already brought his own feature. | ||
| He thought he was going to headline. | ||
| Who was it? | ||
| I'll give you the line up now. | ||
| So we've cut the host, so we got your feature, his feature, him, then you. | ||
| In Miami, in the heyday of Miami. | ||
| The first day. | ||
| I don't know him. | ||
| I've never met this guy. | ||
| This is like 85. Yep. | ||
| They go to the breakdown. | ||
| The host is going to do 15. The feature is going to do 15. He's going to do 40. You're going to do 40. Right? | ||
| That's a long show of your life. | ||
| This was the intro nonsense. | ||
| And imagine how hard this guy was to follow, especially in Miami, where everyone's Spanish-speaking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Ricky Cruz, DJ Coochie, Steve Travino, and Burt Kreicher. | |
| Dude, I bombed harder than I've ever bombed in my life. | ||
| I mean, sweat dripping off my chin, onto my shirt. | ||
| I don't say that to too many people. | ||
| I bailed on that whole set and I brought a black guy on stage and I brought a Cuban guy on stage. | ||
| And you let him fuck? | ||
| Is this where the guy pulled his dick out? | ||
| No, that's a different night. | ||
| But I go, I said to him, I go, I'm going to just, I go, your people don't understand me, so I'll say the joke and you translate it to your people. | ||
| And so then they're sitting on stage with me. | ||
| So I go, I was talking to this girl and the black guy goes, man, I'll spin game at this bitch. | ||
| And the place went nuts. | ||
| And I said it to the Spanish guy. | ||
| He just said it in Spanish. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| And it fucking destroyed my whole act that way. | ||
| Whenever I had a joke, I'd have them translate it. | ||
| They sat on stage with you the whole time? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good move. | |
| Sat on my stage for 35 minutes and drank tequila with me. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| See, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| He figured it out. | ||
| He figured it out. | ||
| You're good at figuring it out, man. | ||
| Steve Trevino destroyed. | ||
| Of course he did. | ||
| Of course he was. | ||
| Destroyed. | ||
| Remember that set you had where you bombed and you played it for everybody? | ||
| Tom's. | ||
| I kind of have a half memory of that. | ||
| I mean, I played on the podcast. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, I played like clips of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't understand. | |
| Tom used to bomb better than anybody. | ||
| I don't think it was good. | ||
| Tom's the best bomb you've ever sat in the back of a room with. | ||
| That was not good. | ||
| How about Sacramento? | ||
| That's the fucking worst. | ||
| The punchline? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| No, it was called the Laugh Unlimited. | ||
| Yeah, we did that once. | ||
| I like that place. | ||
| Yeah, it was a good spot. | ||
| When I was there, I was like, this is a good spot. | ||
| Do you know what the worst thing about a bomb? | ||
| A bomb on a Friday night. | ||
| And you bomb on the early show, and you can't believe how hard you just bombed. | ||
| It's life-altering. | ||
| You bomb harder on the late show. | ||
| And they're both sold out. | ||
| So it's not like eight people. | ||
| It's like packed to the gills, man. | ||
| What was the catalyst? | ||
| The catalyst? | ||
| I mean, he got me at it. | ||
| Because I remember that I was like... | ||
| I remember rethinking my life tonight. | ||
| Like after, you know? | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| It was that bad. | ||
| But then... | ||
| What started it? | ||
| What started the bomb? | ||
| What started the bomb was the opening joke. | ||
| Because I was just like... | ||
| By the way, before you tell your opening joke, Tom is great with feeling uncomfortable in a moment and taking it to the next level. | ||
| We're in Hawaii with Russell Peters. | ||
| The one thing they say is do not mention negative shit about the Hawaiians. | ||
| Tom's opening joke. | ||
| Do you remember it? | ||
| Man, they said island life's slow. | ||
| I didn't know they were talking about your metabolisms. | ||
| Holy shit, you guys are fat. | ||
| You did the same shit in Australia. | ||
| Don't mention aborigines. | ||
| First word. | ||
| Don't mention Japanese people. | ||
| Man, I got lost on bass today. | ||
| Luckily, I ran into a Japanese guy. | ||
| He pointed me out. | ||
| They know everything about this bass. | ||
| He's over there drinking his own piss. | ||
| Oh my god, you got me for a fucking fraction of a second. | ||
| I was like, no, he didn't. | ||
| He took his fucking socks off. | ||
| You looked at it! | ||
| I was like, he's really lost his fucking mind. | ||
| How hammered is he? | ||
| He's drinking his own piss. | ||
| So wait, how did your bomb go in Sacramento? | ||
| Dude, the Sacramento bomb was the month after Hurricane Katrina. | ||
| So I opened with a joke. | ||
| I don't remember the wording of it, but it was like how there were reports of people raping. | ||
| People in the aftermath. | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| I was like, I opened, I was just like, you know, nothing like seeing dead bodies float by that makes me want to fuck somebody, you know? | ||
| And then I just kind of like, would riff about like, you know, dead people and then being like, now I want to fuck. | ||
| And it would eat so much shit. | ||
| And then I would go, you know, you have that thing, you're like, well, I'll just go to my act now. | ||
| Like, I'll just go to life. | ||
| It was already too late, and I would bomb for the full... | ||
| Actually, you know the funny thing is... | ||
| You made it to both shows? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The second show, you were like, I know there's something to this. | ||
| This is funny. | ||
| I was like, this is funny. | ||
| Nothing like seeing a dead person on a TV floating by that wants to be going to fuck. | ||
| It's just the timing. | ||
| The timing's off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll get it. | |
| Dude, she... | ||
| That fucking... | ||
| That club lady came up to me. | ||
| Leslie. | ||
| You know, like, your new feature at a club? | ||
| I remember she came up to me, she goes... | ||
| The bomb feels so bad, and you're sweating so hard, and you're like, man, this is emotionally just taxing, right? | ||
| You're just like, god damn. | ||
| And I walk off stage, and I run into her. | ||
| She goes, I thought you were supposed to be funny. | ||
| I was like, oh, fuck. | ||
| She sat next to me during a set. | ||
| She goes, you can't read? | ||
| And I go, what? | ||
| She's like, you're supposed to do 25. You did 23. And I was like, ah, fucking, alright. | ||
| And then, like, that's the first show. | ||
| Then the second show literally is worse in an inconceivable way. | ||
| It is worse. | ||
| Did you try to save that joke again? | ||
| Yeah, I tried to open with it again. | ||
| No, this joke works. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, this works. | |
| And then... | ||
| I ate it so hard. | ||
| Here's how hard I eat it. | ||
| I eat it so hard that I'm middling, and the MC's like, damn, dude, you fucking suck. | ||
| He's like, I've never seen... | ||
| He's scoring off you? | ||
| He was just like, it was that big dude. | ||
| Tom McLean. | ||
| Yeah, he was just like, god damn, I've never seen anything like that. | ||
| In a fun way. | ||
| In a fun way. | ||
| Big, jovial guy. | ||
| Yeah, he was jovial. | ||
| Goddamn, you fail like big lots. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| And then the next day, I was like, I don't know how I'm going to do this, man. | ||
| And Bert goes, can I give you one piece of advice? | ||
| And I go, yeah. | ||
| He goes, just open different. | ||
| Just do whatever you want, but just open on a different joke. | ||
| I was like, all right, man. | ||
| And at the time, I swear to you, that fucking first show, Saturday, Probably the best set that I've ever had. | ||
| Like, unbelievable set. | ||
| Did the lady go, oh, okay. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| She goes, I felt redeemed. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, I fucking destroyed it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, like, the MC is like, Jesus, I've never seen a turnaround like that. | ||
| I'm like, this feels like I... I walk around and I see her. | ||
| And she goes, what? | ||
| I didn't hear anything. | ||
| She pretended like she didn't know. | ||
| She watched. | ||
| I grabbed her. | ||
| She kept coming up to me going, you said he was funny. | ||
| You brought him with you. | ||
| And I was like, trust me. | ||
| The best part about his bomb was Tom used to have longer hair. | ||
| The amount of weight I lost during the sweating? | ||
| He used to have longer hair and he'd comb it back so it would be up, right? | ||
| And as he bombed, it starts to fall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then it starts to get wet. | ||
| And then it starts to run down his head. | ||
| It was soaking wet. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It was like I jumped in a pool. | ||
| Like, I was fucking soaking wet. | ||
| That feeling when you're eating shit, it's not like anything else on earth. | ||
| I remember that he was up on stage, and somebody yelled at him, like some lady, and he's like, well, you're a fucking dog. | ||
| You said that? | ||
| And the room was like... | ||
| The room turned on him? | ||
| Yeah, they'll turn on you. | ||
| And then he won them back. | ||
| I remember him winning them back. | ||
| I was like, God damn. | ||
| I used to have some quick go-tos on that. | ||
| Hey, honey, your mouth... | ||
| God made your mouth for one thing and it's not talking. | ||
| Oh my God, what does that mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't even believe that's a joke. | |
| It's irreproachable. | ||
| I would love to hear a feminist in the audience who say that now. | ||
| This thing's flashing. | ||
| Jamie, why is this flashing? | ||
| This one's flashing red. | ||
| This one is, too. | ||
| They're recording. | ||
| Oh, they're recording. | ||
| Oh, that's on. | ||
| You guys both had mushrooms. | ||
| No, they don't usually flash. | ||
| He took his socks off. | ||
| Those mushrooms didn't really do much. | ||
| Look at his shoes off. | ||
| His shoes off? | ||
| I said the mushrooms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I took his shoes off. | |
| I felt something. | ||
| They got me a little bit for sure. | ||
| Did we eat them during the show? | ||
| Right before the show. | ||
| Right before the show. | ||
| No, it wasn't enough that would have sent you to the moon. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| It gives you a little nice thing. | ||
| But, like, my palms are sweaty and I'm fucking out of it. | ||
| Yeah, I'm definitely sweaty. | ||
| Is that what you get? | ||
| Your palms get sweaty? | ||
| Guys, arm spaghetti. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen to me. | |
| Arm spaghetti. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Rap battle! | ||
| Rap battle. | ||
| Rap battle for health. | ||
| No, listen. | ||
| Guys, I'm serious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's either techno, hip-hop challenge, or folks. | |
| Hip-hop challenge. | ||
| It's not physically difficult, though. | ||
| It's mentally difficult. | ||
| No, but it's not fun to watch someone do nothing. | ||
| That's the point, Ari. | ||
| You want to watch people do stuff. | ||
| Have your affairs. | ||
| Since when is it about anybody else other than us? | ||
| No, but... | ||
| People tune in. | ||
| If they like it, they like it. | ||
| But you don't do it for other people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Hold on, Joe. | ||
| Listen to an artist, Tom. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| The first... | ||
| The first challenge. | ||
| Don't use Instagram challenges watching a holding your breath challenge. | ||
| You're like, is he really holding his breath? | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| Well, Bert, everyone doesn't have to be in on every goddamn thing you do every day. | ||
| I'm taking a shit. | ||
| Hey, guys, I'm going to bring you in here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm the shit champion. | |
| Hey, guys, look up! | ||
| The shit champion! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just took a shit on Instagram first. | |
| I'm probably the best. | ||
| Probably the best shit of all time. | ||
| What do the girls say when you're posting? | ||
| When I post, they're like, Dad, it's Mom. | ||
| In the background. | ||
| I'm like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| That's so funny that your kids do that to you. | ||
| Dad, don't use the N-word. | ||
| Stop it! | ||
| Stop it! | ||
| Everyone shut the fuck up, Dad's got a girlfriend. | ||
| And you're just trying to stream and provide for the family. | ||
| Yeah, fuck them. | ||
| They don't realize I've leveraged their futures for our income right now. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it is. | ||
| Yeah, you paid a hefty price. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| Yeah, my kids do not like that I've talked that much about them. | ||
| Well, you should probably not have done that. | ||
| I remember who you are. | ||
| He's like 20 fucking 20, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Early on, he was like, really? | |
| You mentioned your kids? | ||
| You're like, yeah, why not? | ||
| I was like, 10 years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, my kids are fucking stupid. | |
| That's what he said. | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| He said, they're not even going to know. | ||
| He said, they're not even going to know. | ||
| I go, what if people come up to him in the mall and they say, hey, your dad was talking about you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's in the special. | |
| It's in the special. | ||
| He's like, these two idiots. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I would call George on the phone on stage the other day, and everyone's yelling, and they're like, no, I'm George, you're the smart one. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Don't, don't, look. | ||
| I was being honest. | ||
| I didn't know another way to do stand-up. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| You do it one way. | ||
| It's fine for most of the world. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Like, most things are fine for most of the world. | ||
| It's just a small percentage of people that are just wired all fucked up. | ||
| Guys, we gotta go. | ||
| I gotta go soon. | ||
| 10 to 6. Yeah, we gotta go. | ||
| I think you're gonna see the online community. | ||
| No, I'm not gonna see anything. | ||
| Well, I'll forward them to you. | ||
| I'm not gonna look. | ||
| I'll block your number. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you just pull up one hip-hop dancer so we can look at it? | |
| No music. | ||
| Just show her video of someone dancing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go to Stance Elements. | |
| If we're gonna do it, we should breakdance. | ||
| Go to Stance Elements and watch some of these guys do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Here's a video. | ||
| Look up Chet Faker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
| This is great. | ||
| Yeah, some dance. | ||
| Look, I'm a real dancer. | ||
| Dee Glazer. | ||
| I'm telling you, this is how we'll shoot it. | ||
| I'm a fan of this girl. | ||
| Dee Glazer is her name. | ||
| She's a choreographer. | ||
| She's got blonde hair. | ||
| Give her Nelly. | ||
| Nelly from the loop, and I'm proud. | ||
| We can't play that. | ||
| We're going to play the music. | ||
| Just watch her dance. | ||
| Okay, let's watch it. | ||
| And this is what we'll be doing, Joe. | ||
| And I really think you're going to like... | ||
| What are you selling this? | ||
| Look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is Joe. | |
| I'm already out. | ||
| No, Joe. | ||
| Yeah, right here. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Who is D. Glazer? | ||
| She's a Cardinals fan. | ||
| That's her? | ||
| Yeah, Country Grammar. | ||
| First of all, this is us, Joe. | ||
| Anything that doesn't require you to lose weight, I'm not in. | ||
| Dude, look at her body. | ||
| It's in fucking great shape. | ||
| Dude, this is us doing these moves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Her name is D. Glazer? | |
| Her name's D. Glazer. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| She's great. | ||
| And this will be us. | ||
| Imagine how much funnier it'll be when you do it, though, because you're fat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll be... | |
| Do you think you can learn to do this? | ||
| 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do? | |
| 100%. | ||
| He thinks he can do a fucking split. | ||
| You remember? | ||
| That thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait, wait. | |
| Can you do this? | ||
| That's me. | ||
| Yeah, you can train. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| You think you can do this? | ||
| I could get my body to move that way if someone taught me and I spent the required amount of time. | ||
| A month. | ||
| Maybe not in a month. | ||
| One month. | ||
| No, not as good as her. | ||
| Do you think in one month you could be better than all of us? | ||
| Oh, I would definitely be better than you. | ||
| And that's all that counts, right? | ||
| Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe. | ||
| Come on, this is me and Tom and you and Ari. | ||
| We do one all together. | ||
| He likes the belt, bro. | ||
| What's it called in the back? | ||
| Ari, do you think you could learn to do this? | ||
| Look over here, Bert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's mine. | |
| I'm not getting rid of this. | ||
| Tell me a challenge that you think is fair for all of us. | ||
| Everybody should weigh in right now. | ||
| What do you think it should be? | ||
| Do you know how embarrassing this is? | ||
| Because that place like that is right near my apartment. | ||
| I walk by on the way home from not working out and I look through the window at them doing crazy dances like that. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| No matter what this challenge would be, I'm crazy. | ||
| And I'm going to keep this. | ||
| I'm going to keep this. | ||
| This is mine. | ||
| I like this. | ||
| I like having it. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look over at that. | ||
| You're never going to get this, Bert. | ||
| I'm getting it if we do hip-hop dance. | ||
| No, you think so. | ||
| Are you in? | ||
| Okay, can I say this? | ||
| You didn't get it with the weight loss challenge. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| By the way, Tommy, you should get a weight loss challenge belt. | ||
| I think we should probably make one. | ||
| That'd be a great idea. | ||
| It's a horrible fucking idea. | ||
| It's a great idea. | ||
| Um... | ||
| Get on it. | ||
| Jamie, let's order it up. | ||
| We need a weight loss challenge belt for Tommy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no, no, no, no. | |
| By the way, brand it tour bus champ too. | ||
| I want a marathon belt. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You're the only one who tried that. | ||
| Don't they give you like a button or something when you win a marathon? | ||
| Or you run it? | ||
| Can I get a Jew? | ||
| Yeah, they do. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because your promoter had one. | ||
| I saw them when I was in... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shut the fuck up! | |
| They give you one of them erasers that go on top of a pencil that nobody ever uses. | ||
| The triangles? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, the ones... | |
| Like as if pencils are so crazy and you use up that eraser. | ||
| Boy, you need an external eraser. | ||
| Oh, shut up. | ||
| Get Cam Haynes on the phone. | ||
| Call Cam Haynes right now. | ||
| He'll tell you how it's superior. | ||
| Now listen, what about... | ||
| What about this? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| God damn it, I had the fucking greatest idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did he say? | |
| He had the greatest idea. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| You break in when you remember it. | ||
| If we do it, the hip-hop challenge, we need... | ||
| No one's going to be there to cheer anybody and queer the judges. | ||
| It has to be just us. | ||
| You can film it if you want. | ||
| Yeah, you can't queer. | ||
| Can't queer the judges. | ||
| Are you allowed to say that anymore? | ||
| Yeah, I think that's the proper language. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Well, it's in the... | ||
| That's my friend Miriam Nakamoto's snacks. | ||
| Snackamoto snacks. | ||
| So just us, and then get actual judges who don't know us to decide. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You have to really make a real place. | ||
| I think three people are into it, Joe. | ||
| I think you just got to say, give us an alternative. | ||
| Give us an alternative. | ||
| Let's come up with something where we don't need judges. | ||
| I don't want to bring judges in. | ||
| Because then we have other people. | ||
| Then it's going to get gross. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| It's a bad idea to bring in judges. | ||
| Any judges. | ||
| Because it just hands the power over to this group of people. | ||
| Yeah, other people in our organization, too. | ||
| I don't want to even talk to other people. | ||
| Okay, that makes sense. | ||
| I'm trying to cut people out of my life. | ||
| I'm not trying to add two hip-hop dance judges. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't have the time. | |
| I like Ari's idea. | ||
| I like Ari's idea, no social media for a year, except I have an empire to run. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You can run it. | ||
| Just go, Jamie, post it. | ||
| We have a new video. | ||
| Post it. | ||
| I don't trust it. | ||
| No, you'd have to give your password to an assistant. | ||
| Look at him over there. | ||
| He's sneaky. | ||
| He's sneaky. | ||
| He'd check my DMs. | ||
| Why don't we each fuck Jamie and see he judges who's the best? | ||
| I'll see you at the elevators. | ||
| See all them dick pics coming my way. | ||
| Yeah, the judges is a real thing. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Judges is a real thing, but I think we're in the right direction with hip-hop dance. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because it's your invention? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I just think it's something silly. | ||
| None of us are good at it. | ||
| If you lose again, there should be a real penalty for you. | ||
| Yeah, what's the real penalty? | ||
| It'd be a real repercussion for you. | ||
| Yeah, you'd put us into this in the first place. | ||
| I don't like Joe and Tom. | ||
| But you're the worst. | ||
| This is a good one. | ||
| If you come in last, you give us, spread it out collectively, a million dollars. | ||
| That seems fair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're doing better now. | ||
| You're a tour bus champ. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You are a tour bus champ. | ||
| You have to think about that. | ||
| Dude, just sign up for it. | ||
| You're not going to lose if those are the stakes. | ||
| What is the competition? | ||
| Wait, hold on. | ||
| Hold on one second. | ||
| Just let's talk. | ||
| Being a tour bus champ comes at a price. | ||
| Dude, my bus was so fucking sick. | ||
| You can't just be Tour Bus Champ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was Tour Bus Champ. | |
| Listen to him. | ||
| But Bert, do you understand that this is strange? | ||
| That you keep failing at these things, and yet you keep bragging every time we get together and contemplate a challenge. | ||
| I've had so much success when it comes to you guys that I think sometimes you guys forget about it. | ||
| What? | ||
| I was tour bus champ. | ||
| You're not. | ||
| That doesn't mean anything. | ||
| Admit I was tour bus champ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That doesn't mean anything. | |
| Admit it. | ||
| Just admit it. | ||
| You know you've admitted me privately. | ||
| Is Willie Nelson alive? | ||
| Then you're not the tour bus champ. | ||
| The bus that I was on this week is better than any bus. | ||
| That's not when the tour bus championship was going on. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Who's tour bus champ? | ||
| Let's say why. | ||
| It's me, of course. | ||
| How come? | ||
| Because I have the better bus. | ||
| Did you ever take a picture of your bus and put it online? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, and you had it fucking photoshopped a hundred times. | ||
| No. | ||
| That was my bus. | ||
| The outside of your bus doesn't count, Tom. | ||
| The inside of your bus that looked like a prison yard. | ||
| It just looked like a prison yard. | ||
| Did it not have a broken transmission? | ||
| No internet? | ||
| TVs that didn't work? | ||
| You had no internet on your tour bus? | ||
| He had no fucking internet on his tour bus! | ||
| I want you to pause for a second and imagine a world where the thing that you're bragging about when you've been called out for failing two challenges in a row, hard as fuck, that the first thing you're talking about is the shape of the bus that you drive around in. | ||
| I didn't start Tour Bus Champ. | ||
| He started Tour Bus Champ. | ||
| How much is prepared? | ||
| Was the transmission bad? | ||
| Well, then I win. | ||
| Yeah, good point. | ||
| Did you get a flat tire? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well then I'm the champion! | |
| I'm Leonardo DiCaprio at the front of the fucking Titanic! | ||
| We had a challenge, you came in last. | ||
| You're deflecting. | ||
| What are the repercussions for you fucking pussing out? | ||
| Well, I'm not pussing out. | ||
| Stop with the fucking... | ||
| One of the reasons why I have this right here is because I read about you saying that you were going to put it on your mantelpiece. | ||
| And I'm like, that's never going to happen. | ||
| Yeah, your Mickey mantelpiece. | ||
| Joe, can you entertain a circumstance in which you think Burt could beat you? | ||
| Make a game. | ||
| Like the old hustler. | ||
| Make an even game. | ||
| Where it could be anybody's at this point. | ||
| Like a pool game? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| We're not playing pool. | ||
| I'm never going to beat you a pool. | ||
| I'd have to have some form of lymphoma or something. | ||
| There's something really wrong with me. | ||
| A physical thing? | ||
| But he moves so well. | ||
| You move like the wind. | ||
| It is something. | ||
| I've seen you move. | ||
| It's like that Christopher Cross song. | ||
| Terry Shivo couldn't move better than you. | ||
| You really can move, man. | ||
| Bert, there was days where I was like, man, I'm tired. | ||
| Then I thought about you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is my middle! | |
| Ari's standing now. | ||
| You took your socks off. | ||
| You fucking pissed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're on mushrooms. | |
| We took mushrooms. | ||
| Didn't you forget? | ||
| That's right, I forgot. | ||
| He and I are both on... | ||
| I gotta go, man. | ||
| That feels good. | ||
| That's a good amount of mushrooms. | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| We don't have an agreement yet. | ||
| We should. | ||
| And also, you do need some repercussions for fucking blowing it back. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Let's not forget I'm the only one that ran a marathon. | ||
| That wasn't part of that month. | ||
| We didn't ask you to. | ||
| But it doesn't seem like you are willing to face reality. | ||
| Tell me what reality is, I'll face it. | ||
| Well, reality is Ari Shafir didn't work out at all. | ||
| And even though you did run a marathon, Ari Shafir didn't work out at all! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I beat you. | |
| For a decade! | ||
| I agree with you. | ||
| For a decade! | ||
| He smoked you like a fucking fine cigar. | ||
| Why are you suggesting anything in life? | ||
| And not just like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
How are you talking shit to Ari when Ari didn't work out for 10 years? | |
| I'm the only one that came in with a challenge other than get off our fucking phone. | ||
| He's got ripped. | ||
| What the fuck are you? | ||
| What did you sit down for? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He had a six pack. | |
| Did you ever see the video of him on my fucking rowing machine? | ||
| No, I saw it. | ||
| You guys teamed up against me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I get it. | |
| Here's the deal. | ||
| We teamed up against you. | ||
| He's my competitor. | ||
| He's my second place guy. | ||
| I let him use my gym. | ||
| How? | ||
| How do we team up? | ||
| I literally... | ||
| He's my competitor. | ||
| He was gone. | ||
| He was my closest competitor. | ||
| I took the day off. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I did. | ||
| I took the day off. | ||
| Listen, I've said ad nauseum. | ||
| I can't believe we're covering this. | ||
| I've said ad nauseum. | ||
| Tugging on Joe's tiger's tail is a big mistake. | ||
| Ari was massively surprising and Tom was a fair, fair competitor. | ||
| Now, I will say, I am just giving up ideas of what to do next October. | ||
| We do need ideas. | ||
| And I believe that Ari's idea was, I think, us not doing something is not fun to follow if you are a fan of the podcast. | ||
| Us not doing it, like, hey guys, let's sleep, wouldn't be really fun. | ||
| It would be how many hours of hip-hop dancing we put in. | ||
| There we go, now we're talking about something. | ||
| Why hip-hop dancing, not klezmer? | ||
| What? | ||
| Name it. | ||
| You guys want to do Riverdance? | ||
| Riverdance. | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| Let's do some dance that sucked when it was invented. | ||
| I don't want to do dancing. | ||
| It's just hitting me right now. | ||
| I'm fast-forwarding to fucking Tennessee. | ||
| Say another idea. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| But I liked what we did with Hot Yoga. | ||
| The easiest thing to do is something that you don't need a lot to take with you. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Running's not bad. | ||
| I like running a lot. | ||
| I do like running, but I don't want to be the one sitting here promoting running. | ||
| I'm trying to think out of the box. | ||
| Running is a great idea. | ||
| It really is a great idea. | ||
| The only thing that's great about running is that if we did do it for the whole total miles of the month, it would get savage. | ||
| It would be problematic. | ||
| Could you do? | ||
| We'll get hurt. | ||
| People will get hurt. | ||
| What? | ||
| Bert and I will seriously lose like 40 pounds. | ||
| My knees are going to be gone afterwards. | ||
| I'm only running on cement. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| What's the guys that you just had? | ||
| Eddie Izzard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eddie Izzard. | |
| Could you do a marathon a day, Joe? | ||
| Well, I think it's physically possible to do a marathon a day. | ||
| I know you could... | ||
| Well, it would be way easier for me than for you. | ||
| Yeah, much easier. | ||
| Once again, I'm too drunk to even talk shit anymore. | ||
| By the way, when he said that, you looked at me like you're like, I'm going to do that. | ||
| Listen... | ||
| Are you going to do a marathon a day? | ||
| It's not... | ||
| It's not healthy for you to keep living in this world that you've created. | ||
| It doesn't even make sense. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| My drinking? | ||
| No, no, that's normal. | ||
| The drinking along with this proclamation of awesomeness. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's not the drinking. | ||
| The drinking's fun. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| You're a fun guy. | ||
| Let's do running. | ||
| But the thing is, you need to be punished if you lose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| It just doesn't make sense. | ||
| We got way more. | ||
| There's a whole table full of whiskey over there. | ||
| And then we got gas monkeys tequila here too. | ||
| Let's do running then. | ||
| If everyone agrees on running, I'm in on running. | ||
| It's going to get ugly, guys. | ||
| Running is going to get ugly. | ||
| I'm going to do a marathon a day for sure. | ||
| What are we going to wear to track our, so that everybody has the same thing, to track their miles? | ||
| The Rock's got the shoe. | ||
| Well, you could wear the rock shoe or you could just get an Apple watch. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That way we could use our watch only for phone calls and then talk and do it if you ever send text messages and that'll do Ari's challenge at the same time. | ||
| Are we doing this? | ||
| So it'll eliminate our need for social media for the month. | ||
| So wait, hold on. | ||
| We're running on an iPhone. | ||
| We'll do as many miles as we can for the month. | ||
| The whole thing would be how many miles can you run in a month? | ||
| I'm going to tell you, I'm going to open up the first day with 30. 30? | ||
| 30 miles. | ||
| Day one? | ||
| I'm going to open that up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hold on, now. | ||
| Are we talking... | ||
| 30 miles in a day. | ||
| In a day. | ||
| I'm going to do 30 miles a day. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| Earlier this was mentioned, though. | ||
| That part I believe. | ||
| I do believe that. | ||
| I believe that. | ||
| Here's what I want to know. | ||
| This makes a huge difference. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because if we're tracking those miles... | ||
| We all have to track the miles with the same app. | ||
| Wait, wait. | ||
| Say it again, Joe. | ||
| What? | ||
| 30 miles. | ||
| We have to track them out with the same app. | ||
| No growth hormone for any of us. | ||
| You have to agree no growth hormone, no testosterone. | ||
| You have to agree. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I agree. | |
| No growth hormone, no testosterone. | ||
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| You should all get on growth hormone. | ||
| Let's all get on growth. | ||
| Actually, you should all get on testosterone. | ||
| But you should get off high blood pressure medication before you get on anything. | ||
| You should kill yourself first. | ||
| And then figure out the rest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You really shouldn't be as large as you are. | |
| Hold on. | ||
| You got all the way down to like 212 or something like that. | ||
| What did you weigh? | ||
| I have impulse problems. | ||
| What did you guys weigh at the beginning of that first year challenge? | ||
| What did you get up to on this tour? | ||
| Tom, you're such a cunt. | ||
| No, I'm asking! | ||
| I tell you a secret. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not a secret. | |
| What are you talking about? | ||
| It's not a secret. | ||
| Don't act like I'm Devolt tossing a picture and showed it. | ||
| It was such a fucking disgusting picture of Bert. | ||
| And Bert goes, it was a shellfish reaction in Denmark. | ||
| Shellfish reaction in Denmark. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Okay, wait, wait. | ||
| Here's the way. | ||
| Now, this is important for the challenge. | ||
| I think we all have to track the miles the same way. | ||
| Is there going to be a stipulation that these miles can only be tracked outdoors on pavement? | ||
| Yes, because if you're on a treadmill, if it's GPS, the treadmill's not going to show anything on GPS. It has to be movement. | ||
| It has to be actually physical movement. | ||
| Is there a speed we're talking about? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| No, we can't do it. | ||
| Just distance. | ||
| I was going to ask run versus walk. | ||
| There's a nap I saw recently that tracks walking. | ||
| You know, it takes a lot longer to walk a mile than to run a mile. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but you can walk all day. | |
| That's fun. | ||
| Because, you know, if you're tired and you're running and you want to walk for a mile, that's fine. | ||
| You remember the Silver Lake Walker? | ||
| All distance. | ||
| You remember that guy? | ||
| Silver Lake Walker. | ||
| This dude looked like a fucking lizard. | ||
| You just walk around Sober Lake? | ||
| Dude, he would walk. | ||
| I'm not kidding you. | ||
| From like 6am and you would see him at 8pm. | ||
| Was he schizophrenic? | ||
| He was a doctor. | ||
| Yes, there was like a little scandal where he died in this hot tub. | ||
| You would see this guy. | ||
| He died in a hot tub? | ||
| Yes, somewhere. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| That was the guy? | ||
| That's him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| So he would just walk around trying to sling dick? | ||
| I don't know what... | ||
| He looks like a guy who slings dick. | ||
| And he would hold the newspaper. | ||
| I used to see this dude everywhere. | ||
| Oh, and he walked around like that? | ||
| Yes, all day. | ||
| He killed himself, it said. | ||
| And he would read. | ||
| Oh, I like it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did it say that? | |
| It said... | ||
| Click on that lower picture again. | ||
| It said he killed himself. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Killed himself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's... | ||
| Killed himself, LA coroner concludes. | ||
| But that wasn't initially the report about that. | ||
| That it was a mystery how this guy had died. | ||
| Mystery solved. | ||
| It's in the newspaper. | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the funny thing about rumors. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can I tell you this? | |
| I was late on the stand. | ||
| Yeah, they're pretty. | ||
| He has his toenails painted. | ||
| They're all pretty. | ||
| It's really beautiful. | ||
| I'll take a picture of it. | ||
| Kathleen Madigan? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| McGee. | ||
| Yeah, in Calgary. | ||
| Can I just tell you this? | ||
| I was late for the stand. | ||
| This was about a year ago when the stand was still open. | ||
| And I was like, fuck, and I started running. | ||
| I was at second... | ||
| I was at 16th Street and 2nd Avenue. | ||
| I started running and eventually I was out of steam. | ||
| I had to stop. | ||
| And when I stopped, I was at 16th Street, not yet to 3rd Avenue. | ||
| So I tire out under a block. | ||
| I'm not enjoying the idea of going into this and just starting to run a fucking show. | ||
| You know how last year you got into a fucking zone? | ||
| You got into a zone. | ||
| You have a runner's body, dude. | ||
| He thought he was going to win at one point. | ||
| You have a runner's body. | ||
| There was a moment somewhere around week one. | ||
| When you said I got to go hunting, I'm offline for a second. | ||
| I was like, oh, I'm close. | ||
| Yeah, I had to go hunting for, but I shot an elk on the second day. | ||
| That's right, so you came back. | ||
| Would we have been a little more, like, you think it would have been a little easier on us if you had hunted for five days? | ||
| Yeah, but I was wearing my thing. | ||
| So I was hiking. | ||
| I got 600 points one day. | ||
| Oh, you did? | ||
| He was working out hiking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no, I know. | ||
| When you're hiking, man, your heart rate gets jacked the fuck up. | ||
| When you came back from hunting, you did more than that, is what I'm saying. | ||
| I went crazy when you came back. | ||
| Guys, can you just put yourself a thousand in a day on one day? | ||
| It's going to happen. | ||
| One day, I did 900, and then I came in here and worked out for another hour after I was done. | ||
| So I did... | ||
| I was hurting that last day. | ||
| Can you guys try to remember? | ||
| Okay, October 18th. | ||
| You're going to wake up, and you go, fuck, I have to just run a bunch now. | ||
| Oh, and Christina's like, let's hang out and make omelets. | ||
| I know, I know, dude. | ||
| Yeah, it's not going to be easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's a bad month. | |
| It's a bad month. | ||
| And you're all going to die. | ||
| I'm cool with it. | ||
| There's that, too. | ||
| Bert, what place do you think you'll come in? | ||
| Probably for a second. | ||
| For a second. | ||
| First or second? | ||
| Yeah, one or the other. | ||
| I mean, probably first, but maybe second if something spectacular happens with Joe. | ||
| That seems outrageous. | ||
| I'm going to be getting on growth, right? | ||
| So we all do growth. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| Right now, I would love to do growth. | ||
| I should definitely do that, but before you do that, you should definitely lose some weight. | ||
| You shouldn't just get on stuff. | ||
| You should stop drinking so much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what that's going to be easy to do? | |
| Australia. | ||
| You're not going to drink at all. | ||
| When you're over there, you definitely won't drink. | ||
| I mean, they don't even like drinking in Australia. | ||
| They'll set a good example. | ||
| Dog cunt! | ||
| They don't accept you're not drinking. | ||
| Those people go hard over there. | ||
| Maybe you're not doing this fucking cut-up coke we're doing tonight, but you're for sure drinking. | ||
| Yeah, you're going to have to do shoeys over there. | ||
| You're going to have to drink beer out of shoes. | ||
| Do you ever see me do the shoey on TV? I don't even want to know you did that. | ||
| Just pull up burnt shoey. | ||
| It's a beautiful picture. | ||
| Oh, you've seen it. | ||
| I like running. | ||
| I'm cool with it. | ||
| And I'm cool with no social media. | ||
| You're letting him talk into his own thing again. | ||
| By the way, I'm the only one that came up with an idea that was fun. | ||
| I jumped on board with it, man. | ||
| I think it's a good idea. | ||
| I told you I like it. | ||
| Terrible idea. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I like the hip-hop idea. | ||
| I do like it in terms of none of us have any experience with that. | ||
| That's the fun part with it. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| The judging part is a true problem. | ||
| It's a real problem. | ||
| It's an untenable issue. | ||
| You're going to bring in these people and you're going to go, The reason why I thought Burt won... | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| You're right about that. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bert came from a different starting point, so I gave him extra points for that. | |
| Fuck you, Bert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you. | |
| You can't win like that. | ||
| If you're going to win, it's going to be, you have to win. | ||
| And that's what you're scared of. | ||
| You're scared of actually having to win something. | ||
| If we do the straight up running thing, Bert wins for sure. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I love that you have a direct line into my brain where you can see what gets my heart rate. | ||
| I can see anxiety forming. | ||
| I can see it forming in the air above you. | ||
| Here's the order if we do the running thing. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| You get first. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Your promoter gets second. | ||
| What's his name again? | ||
| Joe gets third. | ||
| What's the promoter's name again? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| What's his name? | ||
| The one guy. | ||
| The only you. | ||
| The only... | ||
| I came in here today thinking I was going to tell you guys I'm out. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's too much fun. | ||
| You're doing it. | ||
| You're doing it. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| You're totally doing it. | ||
| Alright, we did mushrooms. | ||
| You can't go. | ||
| You are doing it. | ||
| You guys doing mushrooms for the show might have been the fucking best way to start this show. | ||
| Feels good. | ||
| I'm going to have to do that November 1st. | ||
| My whole body's tingly. | ||
| It's like a nice mushroom high. | ||
| It makes you realize what you really like about mushrooms. | ||
| I got November 3rd off. | ||
| Are we going to do a gig together, the four of us? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I can't with you. | ||
| What the fuck, bro? | ||
| I won't be here. | ||
| Where are you going to be? | ||
| What the fuck, bro? | ||
| I fly back in November, November 4th, and I'm in New York all week. | ||
| You know what we should do? | ||
| You're what? | ||
| Let's go to New York all week. | ||
| That's two people down. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Ari, are you still doing winters out here? | ||
| Are you still doing the winter? | ||
| I could do a New York show. | ||
| I could do a New York show. | ||
| Let's do a New York show. | ||
| New York show. | ||
| I know a venue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You know a venue in New York? | ||
| You can find us a venue in New York. | ||
| Can you suggest a place? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| So Ari, you're not coming out this way at all? | ||
| No, I... Yeah, I come as... | ||
| You know what would be fun? | ||
| If we decide, like the four of us decided to do a destination. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like... | ||
| Some crazy desert. | ||
| I was just thinking Vegas, but that's not really a destination. | ||
| No, like Saskatoon. | ||
| You know what we should do? | ||
| We should do some shit that you don't normally hit on a tour, like somewhere in Wyoming. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Or Idaho. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I do Boise. | ||
| I do Boise. | ||
| I love Boise. | ||
| I love Boise. | ||
| Boise is amazing. | ||
| Maybe we could do something in like... | ||
| I saw a guy in Boise break his ankle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Mexico, or New Mexico. | ||
| No, not Mexico, Mexico, bro. | ||
| New Mexico. | ||
| I had Ed Calderon on the podcast the other day. | ||
| That's where I got this. | ||
| Oh, yeah, he's super Mexican. | ||
| He was one of the Border Patrol guys. | ||
| He was describing the whole cartel wars and how it all went down. | ||
| And it all was happening right when he signed up to be a cop, and he basically became a paramilitary operator. | ||
| Like, Jesus, just trying to fucking deal with shit that was going down the border. | ||
| Don't try to take that. | ||
| I'm trying to space it out so it doesn't crumple up. | ||
| Trying to get your greedy hands on this. | ||
| What about Montana? | ||
| I know what it is. | ||
| Montana's cool. | ||
| Are we talking about a destination just for us to hang out for the weekend? | ||
| To do a show. | ||
| We'll do a show and hang out. | ||
| Wait, are we saying November? | ||
| A November date. | ||
| November 3rd. | ||
| We can do a November in Montana. | ||
| It's cold as fuck. | ||
| There's no reason to go there in November. | ||
| It's alright. | ||
| Unless you like skiing. | ||
| Well, that's what people go there for. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| November's the season already? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| We just meet Tommy in New York. | ||
| Dude, it's snowing. | ||
| Hey, it's snowing in Big Sky Saturday. | ||
| You're going to be there anyway. | ||
| It's Saturday. | ||
| It's snowing in Big Sky. | ||
| He's going to be there that weekend anyway. | ||
| In November? | ||
| New York? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm going to be in New York. | ||
| And I got November 3rd off as my only weekend off from stand-up all fall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great. | |
| Right after that weekend, you come back. | ||
| We'll hang out in New York. | ||
| And by the way, we could just do a comedy clip, too. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| Yeah, that might be really fun, man. | ||
| We could charge so much. | ||
| We could charge a normal amount of bird charges, usually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm all in a fucking ring in the cash. | |
| Listen, I know a venue of my promoter. | ||
| I've never charged anything to shake my hand. | ||
| You don't do that anymore? | ||
| I've never charged for a meet and greet in my entire life. | ||
| That's fair. | ||
| I've never once. | ||
| I do a raffle. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I'm mocking people that do that. | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| I think it's gross, too. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| Teach his own, I guess. | ||
| I have friends that do it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Are we agreeing on running? | ||
| Is that really going to be it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| This is what we did last time. | ||
| We got down to the wire last time. | ||
| What we have time now is we don't have to agree to something dumb just because it's like, oh, fucking time is running out of the podcast. | ||
| That's how I like it. | ||
| Running, hip-hop dancing, and obviously my idea of you guys are for sure fighting. | ||
| I like it when it gets weird like that. | ||
| Let's ruminate. | ||
| I'm going to leave this right here for every show I do from now on. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Look, it's so pretty. | ||
| Bert? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| What did you do running? | ||
| He got hypnotized by the belt! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did. | |
| You see that? | ||
| It's like Gollum in the frame. | ||
| It's a beautiful belt. | ||
| He wants it. | ||
| Who made that show so fucking bad? | ||
| Who made that? | ||
| Who made that, Joe? | ||
| What is the company that made it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pro-Am Belts. | |
| Pro-Am Belts. | ||
| They did a great job. | ||
| Can you add an add-on that shows a bunch of pills on the side? | ||
| Because you just have no weed, no booze. | ||
| That's all there is in the world. | ||
| I think they just try to keep it clean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keep it clean. | |
| It looks nice. | ||
| It looks nice. | ||
| It's a clean belt. | ||
| You're going to have it, bro. | ||
| You're going to have it November 1st. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Listen, I'm well aware of the training that needs to go into this if we do running. | ||
| I personally think something sillier would benefit us, but I'm cool with whatever you guys pick. | ||
| Yeah, because you're happy coming in last with no consequences. | ||
| Learn how to board. | ||
| Are you saying you'll win either way no matter what it is? | ||
| He just comes in last and it doesn't matter. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| He talks all this shit. | ||
| He riles you up. | ||
| And I'm saying this as a guy who won. | ||
| It's not right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, how about the million dollar payout? | |
| Are you going to do the million dollar payout? | ||
| It's not right. | ||
| What you do is not right. | ||
| It's not right. | ||
| It's like fake bragging. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| I believe in my own fucking abilities. | ||
| That's the truth. | ||
| That's horrific. | ||
| That's the most horrific thing you've said. | ||
| In my own abilities, I believe in myself. | ||
| If Las Vegas will open the action on this this year, which we might be able to get them to do, I know I'm betting on you. | ||
| Be honest. | ||
| You bet on him to win a running challenge? | ||
| He does run every day. | ||
| He runs. | ||
| I ran today. | ||
| Seven miles. | ||
| You ran seven miles? | ||
| Four, three, seven. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
On that fucking bullshit fucking running machine you gave me. | |
| That thing's awesome, right? | ||
| God, it's so hard. | ||
| The air runner? | ||
| The air runner's a salt runner. | ||
| I used to hate it, now I like it. | ||
| The good thing is that's going to get you in shape for the real running that you have to do when you come in last. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Because that is harder than actually running. | ||
| Wait, wait, wait, wait. | ||
| Those things are harder than running. | ||
| It's like 15% or 13% of it. | ||
| How do you think he'll do? | ||
| He'll come in second again. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah, he'll come in second. | ||
| He'll get crazy. | ||
| You're doing the thing. | ||
| You're kind of doing the opposite thing as him. | ||
| I know Ari better than you guys know Ari. | ||
| I know Ari better than you guys know Ari. | ||
| Because Ari and I have done jiu-jitsu together. | ||
| So I know how competitive he gets. | ||
| When you're fighting for your life, which is what you're doing when you're doing jiu-jitsu, you know what a guy's got inside of him. | ||
| Ari, she fears a little savage. | ||
| But fighting for your life and running is a little different. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's his mind. | ||
| That's why I knew he was going to come in second. | ||
| I knew he was going to come in second when we did this Sober October thing. | ||
| I was just... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He gets crazy with stuff. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| I'm going to change my brain. | ||
| I'll switch it over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go. | |
| Unlike you, Bert. | ||
| He doesn't give up. | ||
| I don't give up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Now you've got to feel it. | ||
| Oh, my gosh. | ||
| Art doesn't fold. | ||
| This is already set up. | ||
| I feel like the only thing that's not settled is what is... | ||
| But you know that's true, right? | ||
| That's not good for you. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| It's not good to talk shit and then just fold. | ||
| Talk shit and never back it up. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| Talk shit and then just slump. | ||
| Wait, what is the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is the... | |
| What is the Bert? | ||
| I am Conor McGregor. | ||
| No, you're not. | ||
| Sometimes you talk shit and you lose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because you also have a one in three years. | |
| Sometimes you talk shit and you lose. | ||
| What's the burnt punishment? | ||
| The idea that you just said, I'm Conor McGregor. | ||
| When Conor McGregor knocked out Jose Aldo with one punch. | ||
| If Conor McGregor was going to pick one person on this podcast to get behind, who do you think it would be? | ||
| Be real. | ||
| It would be you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It would be you. | |
| In a heartbeat. | ||
| Seems weird. | ||
| Conor McGregor would be like, that's my guy. | ||
| I'll bet money on him. | ||
| I'll tell you what he would do then. | ||
| Can I tell you what he would do? | ||
| I guarantee you. | ||
| Conor, let's team up. | ||
| This is what Conor would do. | ||
| Thank God I'm on mushrooms. | ||
| If there was an audience, he would get them all going about how it's you, and then when it's like, press the button to vote, right then he would go, Joe. | ||
| That's how I would do that. | ||
| If his money was lit, he's betting on Rogan. | ||
| If he's talking about your showmanship, he likes you. | ||
| Do you think he would lose money just because he likes that you get drunk? | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| He loses money because he loves that you brag and then fall down and then you love to get drunk. | ||
| This is the sound of a man who doesn't think with his liver. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think with my heart. | ||
| Burt, what is the punishment? | ||
| Listen, we all... | ||
| What's your singular punishment? | ||
| It's got to be group punishment. | ||
| But I'm saying, let's say, let's start with you. | ||
| You come in last. | ||
| What is the punishment for coming in last? | ||
| For coming in last. | ||
| Name it. | ||
| A million dollars. | ||
| He's so happy right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's so happy thinking about coming in last. | |
| I can't even wrap my head around coming in last. | ||
| I can't even believe it. | ||
| No, he's happy. | ||
| He's looking forward to it. | ||
| He's looking forward to being comfortable. | ||
| He's looking forward to coming in last in front of a fireplace. | ||
| Curled up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Name it. | ||
| It's not a million dollars. | ||
| Name it. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Dude, this, whatever's wrong with me, whatever got me into comedy, all the things that are wrong with me, this is the base of it right here. | ||
| I sent my therapist on there. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Because I believe, I genuinely I genuinely believe in myself in this moment. | ||
| Well, that's great. | ||
| I genuinely believe in myself. | ||
| I believe that you do that. | ||
| I believe that you believe in yourself. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| And I think you also know on some level you're coming forth in anything. | ||
| I don't know if I'm coming forth, but I'll tell you, I'll be very honest. | ||
| As much as I believe in myself, I know there's something wrong with Joe. | ||
| I know that Ari has this fucking Lou Gehrig's disease. | ||
| That's already a disease. | ||
| That's already a disease. | ||
| Or whatever it is. | ||
| Mickey Mantle. | ||
| And I know that Tom is going to call me on the last day and go, Hey, you're done running, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're not going to throw me under the bus on this one. | |
| Is that what you did on the last day? | ||
| I called him on a treadmill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I called him on a treadmill from the gym. | |
| And I was like, I was moving. | ||
| I was like, are you doing it? | ||
| He was like, man, I swear to you. | ||
| I said to him, say what I said. | ||
| He goes, I'm with my family right now. | ||
| I'm with my kids. | ||
| And I heard like... | ||
| Kid's laughing and he's like, we're hosting a thing. | ||
| I stayed on that trip. | ||
| I was like, I still, on some part of my mind, doesn't believe you. | ||
| I didn't believe you. | ||
| You gotta get safe. | ||
| So I stayed on. | ||
| I stayed on. | ||
| And he goes, I swear to you, I'm done. | ||
| And I stayed in that gym probably 40 minutes. | ||
| He still put up good numbers that day, but I did go like, I couldn't do it. | ||
| It was a weird thing. | ||
| I got on a plane that day. | ||
| I didn't tell you guys I got on a plane. | ||
| I flew across the country that day. | ||
| Yeah, no, you did tell me that. | ||
| Did I tell you that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So I was like, oh shit. | ||
| This is what I loved about it. | ||
| What I loved about it is that we were seeing everybody's numbers. | ||
| Yeah, he's high on me. | ||
| Mushrooms. | ||
| No, but I'm just thinking about this. | ||
| It's like, can't we start slow and have like a, alright, you did five miles, call it for the day. | ||
| You maxed out. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's not how it's going to work. | ||
| We're going to the dark place. | ||
| Here's what I'm well aware of. | ||
| I'm going to give you the cards in my hand right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've run 26 miles in a day. | |
| And I know that Joe's first day of running 26 miles is going to put him back for a couple days. | ||
| It's really hard to go right into that. | ||
| He's going to train ahead of time. | ||
| I know, I know, I know. | ||
| Start on October 1st, you moron. | ||
| No, I know, I know, I know, I know. | ||
| But I know for a fact. | ||
| Let's start right now. | ||
| I'm going to leave this place and start. | ||
| If we make it, if that's the agreement, I'm going to get down to 180 pounds. | ||
| I'm going to lose 20 pounds. | ||
| What are you right now? | ||
| 200. You can do that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| No, but I mean like, in your head... | ||
| If you lost 20 pounds... | ||
| It's already done. | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to lose 20 pounds, and I'm going to run... | ||
| I'm going to start off with 10. I'll do 10 every other day. | ||
| And then by the time October ramps around, I'll be doing a marathon a day. | ||
| It's going to suck. | ||
| It's going to suck. | ||
| You think you'll do that every day? | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to have to. | ||
| I'm going to have to show Burt what the fuck is up. | ||
| Then I'm not going to talk to him anymore. | ||
| I don't like how... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| If he cuts it last, I'm going to block his number. | ||
| I'm just like, I can't do this anymore. | ||
| That's why we should do hip-hop dance! | ||
| Hip-hop dance. | ||
| Hip-hop dance is so much more fun! | ||
| Alright, this shouldn't be fun. | ||
| I gotta pee. | ||
| This shouldn't be fun? | ||
| It shouldn't be fun. | ||
| It should be terrifying. | ||
| Last year was terrifying. | ||
| What I'm saying is, if I come in last this year and there's all these fucking repercussions, and then he came in last and had nothing wrong with him, it's super unfair. | ||
| It's unfair. | ||
| You're right, Ari. | ||
| No repercussions. | ||
| Someone should punish you. | ||
| You should be punished, Bert. | ||
| Wait, why do I get punished? | ||
| Because you're coming in last. | ||
| So, give me a punishment. | ||
| I'm cool with the punishment. | ||
| No, we can't. | ||
| You can't have a punishment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eat your own shit. | |
| Eat your own shit. | ||
| How much? | ||
| A spoonful? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you eat your own shit? | |
| What happens? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Dude, why don't you just give us each 300 grand and it's settled. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Can I just say that I'm going to be in Columbus next weekend, so you may as well come out and see me at the Funny Bone. | ||
| I love that place. | ||
| The new one's even bigger, right? | ||
| Yeah, but don't do shrooms when you come to see my show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just fucking do it afterwards. | |
| It's such a great club, Columbus. | ||
| Yeah, it's a great club. | ||
| It's a great town for stand-up, too. | ||
| It's not as good as the Met July 27th in Philly. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I'm announcing a shitload of dates tomorrow. | ||
| Are you really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Announce them now. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I don't know where I'm going. | ||
| Cardiff Wales, June 25th for Ari Shafir. | ||
| AriShafir.com All of them will be announced tomorrow. | ||
| I'll put it, but I'm... | ||
| I got some dates coming up. | ||
| You guys do your pre-sales, huh? | ||
| Oh, there's still 100 tickets left for Chicago this weekend, too. | ||
| Where are you at in Chicago? | ||
| Some arena. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus, man. | |
| Dude, Rogan and I were in Chicago eating salads, and they were like, this is fucking super sweet, this salad. | ||
| And then we asked some lady, we're like, because we couldn't believe it. | ||
| And we're like, did you put sugar on this salad? | ||
| And she was like, is it too sweet for you? | ||
| I'm like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why would you put any sugar on a salad? | |
| And we looked around, the thinnest person looked like Bert. | ||
| It was like, everybody there was massive. | ||
| They love that fat, deep dish pizza. | ||
| Those are hearty Midwest folk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love Chicago. | ||
| I love Chicago. | ||
| Yeah, but they put sugar on their salad. | ||
| Sugar on their salad. | ||
| For one moment, take a break. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Get into it for dessert. | ||
| You want an extra pop with your pop? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You want more sugar on your salad, sugar? | ||
| What are you playing there? | ||
| Massive place, huh? | ||
| Yeah, some big ass place. | ||
| Is it different? | ||
| How different is it than the store? | ||
| It's different. | ||
| Yeah, explain to people the difference between a small 100-seat room to a 5, 6, 13,000-seat room. | ||
| But here's the problem. | ||
| It's the same material you're going to put on a special. | ||
| Yeah, delivery stuff. | ||
| So when you deliver it to 6,000 people, realize you're delivering it to one person on the couch. | ||
| It's a different kind of show. | ||
| Do you find yourself talking louder or stuff like that? | ||
| It's different. | ||
| I mean, if you're there, it's fun. | ||
| But I don't think it would translate correctly if you're at home. | ||
| And that's one of the reasons why I think... | ||
| Like, I did my last one at the Wilbur, which is pretty tight. | ||
| It's like three comedy clubs stacked on top of each other. | ||
| It's 1,100 seats, but it's pretty intimate. | ||
| Like, the people are on top of you. | ||
| I think that's how you're supposed to do comedy at a special. | ||
| Because specials... | ||
| It's hard to be in that room. | ||
| And I've been saying this, I don't see if you agree with me. | ||
| I think that a special is only at its best, like, maybe 80% of what it's like to actually be in the room. | ||
| Because you miss the feeling of being in the crowd. | ||
| I try to get my shoots, and I haven't ever gotten as close as possible to a lot of experience. | ||
| But you can see a show at a Mexican restaurant on a Tuesday with a bunch of amateurs, and you'll laugh harder than watching any of our specials alone in your apartment. | ||
| Yeah, comedy, being there live is really what makes it. | ||
| I think a lot of comics mess up and they do their special for The Room. | ||
| And they go like, what's up here? | ||
| The place I'm at? | ||
| You say that though, but Cat Williams, the best part of his special was the 10 minutes he did on Tallahassee or Jacksonville. | ||
| I would hard disagree. | ||
| Ah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was the best part of the show. | |
| By the way, I'm a big fucking Cat Williams fan. | ||
| That is not my best Cat Williams stuff. | ||
| We talked about that, about doing it not for the room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jacksonville! | |
| You don't shoot a special for fucking Jacksonville. | ||
| You guys especially are doing these massive, massive rooms, but then when people are going to see your special, almost all of them are watching in a really tiny room. | ||
| I'm not doing my special in a big room. | ||
| It's like less than a thousand. | ||
| I'm thinking of doing mine at the Ice House. | ||
| I've been thinking about doing that a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For real? | |
| I've been thinking about it for a while. | ||
| But I'm pretty far out of doing a special. | ||
| I'm at least a year away from even thinking about it. | ||
| I think the most important thing about doing a special is doing it at a place that has not seen you do stand-up. | ||
| That's the number one most important thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I would do a special at the store. | ||
| I would find that to be a mistake because you're there all the time. | ||
| You've been working this material in front of those people. | ||
| Only if it fucks your head up. | ||
| What about the people? | ||
| Well, I get it on the level of like some of the jokes are surprise ending and they kind of like know what's going there. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You don't want to do a special for people that have seen this material ever. | ||
| You want those people to never have seen this material the same way the people that are home never seen it. | ||
| There's 20 million people in LA, Bert. | ||
| Yeah, but a lot of them will show up. | ||
| A lot of your mega fans are going to show up and go, dude, I just saw him like six months ago. | ||
| I want to come and see it. | ||
| Well, what's interesting about the store right now is that you get comedy tourism there, where you're getting a lot of people that come to visit the store from all over the world. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| I met some dudes there just the other day from England and Ireland. | ||
| They flew in for the week to watch stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's wild. | |
| The store is massive right now. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| The store is everywhere, man. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| But the few things I have in my head is I like a rock venue and I like a place I haven't done this material in front of. | ||
| Have you announced it yet? | ||
| Were you doing it or no? | ||
| Yeah, Cleveland. | ||
| 23rd of November, everybody. | ||
| You filming another special? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| In Cleveland, are you going to keep your shirt on? | ||
| No, for sure. | ||
| No, I'm going to do shirt on. | ||
| I'll be super skinny after this marathon challenge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| So you're doing it... | ||
| No, I'm fucking shirts off. | ||
| Come on, bro. | ||
| I'm going to have a fucking knee brace on. | ||
| Fucking orthopedic shoes. | ||
| The marathon challenge? | ||
| Sunbird as fuck. | ||
| When Ari's around... | ||
| I look like fucking Forrest Gump. | ||
| Hi, everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been running. | |
| I've been running. | ||
| When Ari's around and you open up a kombucha, you instinctively smell it first. | ||
| Move that thing, man. | ||
| I smelled it. | ||
| I got thirsty. | ||
| Dude, I could do an entire podcast on specials, because I feel like I'm obsessed with the good ones, like what makes a great special. | ||
| Jesselnik's first joke, the best joke I've heard. | ||
| I like those first jokes that come out really strong. | ||
| You've got to have a first joke, man. | ||
| It's a big problem. | ||
| Anyone who says hi, any of that bullshit, fucking walk to the stage like Jesselnik or like Norm Macdonald and tell a fucking joke. | ||
| Yeah, you see it now. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I'd like Cat Williams going, Jacksonville! | ||
| I like that. | ||
| He was hilarious in it. | ||
| He's really great. | ||
| I'm being real, man. | ||
| I'm a comic. | ||
| I'm not a fucking... | ||
| I'm being real. | ||
| I do this for a living. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you being real? | |
| I'm being real. | ||
| But I didn't like it, man. | ||
| I'm not from Jacksonville. | ||
| And I've been to Jacksonville. | ||
| And I know Cat Williams. | ||
| Cat Williams is fucking brilliant. | ||
| Man, you know what Michael Jackson had? | ||
| He had this, this, this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I got? | |
| I got this. | ||
| I'm trying to fuck bitches. | ||
| And it doesn't matter where he is. | ||
| Dude, I want to hear your new thoughts. | ||
| No, dude. | ||
| We're going to end this podcast with no conclusion. | ||
| Because otherwise we'll be just going to fight with Jack Stevens. | ||
| No, you didn't. | ||
| You're drunk. | ||
| Cat Stevens is a Muslim. | ||
| Don't get in a fight with him. | ||
| It's a lot of people that got his back. | ||
| Open your special strong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm being followed by a moon shadow. | |
| Moon shadows, moon shadows. | ||
| Alright, this is a wrap. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, Sober October. | ||
| We accomplished nothing. | ||
| Can I promote one thing real quick? | ||
| If you guys ever wanted an excuse to do mushrooms, there's a mushroom festival happening in just two weeks. | ||
| June 15th, 16th, and 17th. | ||
| All you gotta do is take mushrooms wherever you are. | ||
| It's called Shroom Fest and fucking join in by taking mushrooms. | ||
| Listen, uh... | ||
| This was fun. | ||
| It was a good time, man. | ||
| Yeah, it was a good time. | ||
| I love you guys. | ||
| As much shit as I talk, I love you guys. | ||
| Yeah, talk to me again in fucking late October. | ||
| Yeah, we'll get it ugly again. | ||
| Guys, TomSeguro.com. |
Export Selection