Speaker | Time | Text |
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Let me sign my waiver. | ||
Sign the waiver. | ||
unidentified
|
We're live. | |
Great. | ||
I'm glad that people are seeing me. | ||
As everyone will be a notary public. | ||
I wonder if there's a software that can listen to the sound your pen is making and figure out the lines you're drawing. | ||
You know, they have technology now where when people are speaking in a room with a window... | ||
They can get rid of the window noise? | ||
No, they can tune into the vibrations of the window from the sound of your voice and pick up everything that's being said in the room. | ||
I heard that there's a Netflix... | ||
I mean, Netflix doesn't give people ratings, but there's a way that they can gauge reflections off of some weird fucking technology. | ||
And it's fairly accurate. | ||
Reflections off of windows? | ||
Yes. | ||
This is second hand. | ||
I believe it's sound waves. | ||
Oh, wow. | ||
What are they monitoring? | ||
Jamie's got something. | ||
I have no idea. | ||
We can buy this right now if you want. | ||
Long-range laser listening device. | ||
The long-range laser listening device, laser microscope, is a highly sophisticated surveillance apparatus that utilizes an invisible infrared laser beam to eavesdrop on a target. | ||
This is the most effective long-range laser listening device in the world that allows the operator to conduct an undetectable surveillance operation on any targeted device. | ||
From Tony Stark Industries. | ||
With at least one window at an impressive distance of over 500 meters. | ||
That is actually very impressive. | ||
That's far. | ||
That's far as shit. | ||
With a laser beam. | ||
Fuck. | ||
And you can just buy that? | ||
As I say, that's commercially available, and I wonder what is not commercially available. | ||
Oh, for sure. | ||
Right. | ||
That is out there. | ||
Like, you remember when there was that story about some weird sound weapon they think that the Cubans were using on Americans that were in Cuba? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Probably a bunch of shit like that. | ||
I was reading an article. | ||
Submarines have technology they can listen to. | ||
Basically, fish farting in the ocean if they wanted to. | ||
They can hear sounds that quiet. | ||
They can hear anything. | ||
Literally, if fish farts, they're like, what was that? | ||
Was that a sub? | ||
Nope, it was a fish. | ||
What was the next sound? | ||
Good for us. | ||
Or something. | ||
Good for somebody. | ||
Good for us, I guess. | ||
The sound thing was funny because people would get sick Yeah. | ||
And they could, and then there was also, they did it in China, too. | ||
They were like, they, at American civil, like, NG, like, non-government, or like, kind of worked for the government tangentially, or they worked at the embassy. | ||
Their apartments were above each other, two separate people, and both of them. | ||
It was on 60 Minutes, like, not long ago. | ||
So they targeted the rooms. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's like a dog whistle for people. | ||
Yes, in essence. | ||
And it's like, well, what do you want me to do? | ||
I guess you just leave. | ||
I guess it is like a dog whistle. | ||
Yeah, they just want you to feel like shit. | ||
unidentified
|
Get the fuck out of here. | |
Yeah, there's probably a ton of technology like that that we're not aware of. | ||
My friend Mike Swick used to fight in the UFC, and before that, he did a brief stint in the military. | ||
He was doing something, some sort of... | ||
It was either Secret Service work or something along those lines. | ||
But anyway, he was at the embassy in Russia. | ||
And he said that they had found listening devices that were so sophisticated that they were being powered by the natural sway of the building with the wind. | ||
So they didn't need a power source. | ||
The natural swaying of the building in the wind was powering up this little microphone that was listening in on things. | ||
And he said they were looking at this stuff and they're like, we don't know anything like this. | ||
This is completely new stuff. | ||
And we found it. | ||
In this building. | ||
I like... | ||
I mean, I don't love... | ||
But it's like... | ||
It's kind of cool. | ||
It's cool. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, I just don't kill me or us. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
Like, the hope is we just... | ||
They have their thing and it's just like mutually assured destruction. | ||
Like an arms race of technology. | ||
Because that's what's going to happen. | ||
Do you use the cloud? | ||
Yes. | ||
I know. | ||
I don't use it for important stuff. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But I use it for like my apps. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Yeah. | ||
My apps are backed up in the cloud. | ||
Recordings are backed up in the cloud. | ||
unidentified
|
Sets. | |
Sets of them. | ||
Yeah, but there's like photos or video. | ||
It's just a bit like... | ||
unidentified
|
Not much. | |
I don't know, man. | ||
It gets fucking crazy. | ||
I mean, we're getting down to some very strange place with the cloud. | ||
With stuff being just in the air. | ||
And the amount of trust it takes... | ||
The presumption that we'll just never run out of energy and we'll never run out of the ability to tap into the cloud is like, that seems presumption. | ||
I'm not even like a doomsday person, but I just feel like it's like the difference between how men dress in public and how women dress. | ||
Like on a night out, women are wearing heels and guys are dressed in case they have to fight. | ||
I'm still, like we will do the thing in the mirror where we're like, I'll fucking, I'll fuck you up! | ||
And, like, that's how I feel with technology, where I'm like, do I have a backup plan for this? | ||
Even people with, like, Wi-Fi door locks, I'm like, I don't know, man. | ||
I don't know, man. | ||
I don't know. | ||
If the Wi-Fi goes out, what are you going to do? | ||
Yeah, like, please be careful. | ||
I don't know what the negative scenario is. | ||
But even my garage in my place, I live in, like, a townhouse thing. | ||
And there was a power outage. | ||
The gate won't open. | ||
There's no release? | ||
There was a release that somebody... | ||
A better person than I figured out, you know what I mean? | ||
Like, I was just like, I can't come. | ||
Like, a little Uber? | ||
I didn't have a fucking plan, but someone figured out, like, you open a hatch, and then there's a chain, and you gotta pull the chain, and it was like, okay. | ||
But it wasn't easy. | ||
Like, you know, it's the doomsday thing. | ||
It's like, eh. | ||
Well, this guy, Graham Hancock... | ||
This guy's been on my show several times and he's just on recently. | ||
And he's one of the main proponents of this theory that something somewhere around 12,800 years ago hit the earth and fucked up everything and probably reset civilization, killed off the vast majority of us. | ||
12,000 years ago. | ||
That's not that long ago. | ||
Not that long ago at all. | ||
It corresponds with the end of the Ice Age. | ||
There's a lot of physical evidence for it. | ||
And increasingly, we're seeing more and more evidence in terms of ancient cultures that existed far before 12,800 years ago that they really didn't understand. | ||
They thought people were just hunter-gatherers back then. | ||
Now they're finding evidence of things like – there's a place called Gobekli Tepe, which is a giant – these huge monolithic structures that are made out of stone, like huge columns that don't seem like they were made by hunter-gatherers. | ||
It seems like there was probably some sort of a lost civilization. | ||
And they know that this all happened somewhere around that time, somewhere around 12,000 years ago. | ||
So it can happen again. | ||
And if it does happen again, all our stuff is on digital now, which is even weirder. | ||
It's weirder than books. | ||
We have books, but the vast majority of most of the data that we all keep and share, we share on phones and on computers. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
And we can't read it. | ||
We can't read it without programs. | ||
I don't know the first thing about... | ||
Do you know what I mean? | ||
Like, I don't know anything about... | ||
I was talking last night, like, I don't know much about my... | ||
The level of education women have about their reproductive organs versus men. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Like, my balls. | ||
I know about my balls. | ||
I know that the medical term is testicles. | ||
Hmm. | ||
That's about it, Joe. | ||
Don't get them hot. | ||
If you get them hot, it's bad. | ||
Yeah, again, that's like a child. | ||
Do you know what I mean? | ||
And you only know that from like, oh, because I got them hot one time. | ||
But I don't know how... | ||
Semen gets to the... | ||
I don't know the name of the two. | ||
I don't know anything. | ||
And that's my body. | ||
Women know tons. | ||
They know fallopian tubes, vulva, cervix, like everything. | ||
Yeah, guys know prostate cancer. | ||
What? | ||
My asshole? | ||
Cancer. | ||
And not curious. | ||
I mean, like curious in a way of like, ah, let's just hope... | ||
Just hope for those. | ||
It's none of my business. | ||
Plus, to get checked out, you have to have a finger in your ass, and everybody puts that off. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Now, meanwhile, women do that once a year. | ||
Constantly. | ||
They're always getting jabbed at and swabbed. | ||
Swabbed. | ||
Yeah, they get the pap smear. | ||
A smear. | ||
Smear's in the title. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Oof. | |
Ugh. | ||
Jesus. | ||
Imagine if you needed people to come inside you. | ||
You needed them to not just exchange bodily fluids by kissing. | ||
No, they have to squirt something in you to make people. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's an odd... | ||
Their poisonous little dirty DNA. Their dirty little fucking infected... | ||
It's awfully gross. | ||
If you get like 10 feet away from it, you're like, Jesus, I don't know what they're doing. | ||
But while you're in the moment, it seems like the thing to do. | ||
It's the most logical. | ||
You gotta do it. | ||
Can't not do it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Speaking of that, did you see the thing about Gerard? | ||
No. | ||
If you want to bring it up. | ||
But he basically came out a little on HBO. Came out a little? | ||
Came out a little to his mom. | ||
Said, I've had sexual experiences with men. | ||
Uh-oh. | ||
And it's just like that. | ||
Was she cool with it? | ||
Yeah. | ||
She was cool with it. | ||
That's the thing. | ||
People are like, what do you think? | ||
I'm like, I don't... | ||
Sexual preference at this point to me is about as interesting as your workout. | ||
I just don't care. | ||
What are you doing? | ||
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
You know what I care about? | ||
Are you funny? | ||
Are you funny and are you cool? | ||
Yeah. | ||
And do we have shit to talk about? | ||
Right. | ||
Great. | ||
I couldn't care less what type of hand you like jerking. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
I think it's an advantage. | ||
What kind of mouth... | ||
With some guys, like Tim Dillon, I think it's an advantage with his act that he's gay. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because he's so ridiculous and over the top and he's just like a big fat gay guy. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But he doesn't really talk. | ||
Doesn't he talk about it very much? | ||
He'll talk about it sometimes. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But I mean, it's not a big deal to him. | ||
He treats it the way a guy treats his sexuality. | ||
Like you don't have to go blaring through the streets that you're straight all the time. | ||
If you are, I usually assume you're really not. | ||
Right. | ||
Right. | ||
Like there's no, yeah. | ||
If you're straight, you're straight. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
If you're not, no one fucking cares. | ||
In the comedy community, literally no one cares. | ||
Yeah, it doesn't. | ||
It makes no difference. | ||
The only thing that bums me out is when guys hide it. | ||
It's like, come on. | ||
Does it bum you out for them? | ||
Yes, for them. | ||
Yeah, it really bums. | ||
But, having said that, I get it. | ||
I get it. | ||
It's a real bummer. | ||
It's sad. | ||
We know a few guys that are in the closet. | ||
You just feel bad for them. | ||
Exactly. | ||
Yeah, man. | ||
I hope it's not unbearable. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
I get why you're in the closet. | ||
I get why actors are in the closet, especially male actors, because it doesn't serve them to come out. | ||
It's not going to help them. | ||
I think it's the worst thing for them. | ||
In terms of getting roles as a heterosexual, if you're a known homosexual, you almost can't get roles as a heterosexual. | ||
I remember, there was some... | ||
What is that guy's name? | ||
Neil Patrick Harris? | ||
unidentified
|
Neil Patrick Harris. | |
He was in something, where he played this arrogant guy who likes girls. | ||
He was in... | ||
What was it, a show? | ||
No, he was on How I Met Your Mother. | ||
Yeah, and that worked. | ||
He also played a straight guy in Gone Girl pretty well. | ||
Yeah, was that before or after he came out? | ||
They've both been after. | ||
Really? | ||
And I was surprised that that's what he played, but certain people, they just... | ||
I don't know. | ||
He might be the only guy that can do it. | ||
I agree. | ||
That he came out and you buy it somehow. | ||
As a romantic lead, you think that it cancels that out. | ||
Like if Tom Cruise decided to come out. | ||
If Tom Cruise is gay and he decided to come out. | ||
That would be a real problem. | ||
You know what I was talking to somebody about this the other day? | ||
You know what would be a hilarious movie idea? | ||
Gay couple, Tom Cruise and John Travolta. | ||
John Travolta gets kidnapped and gay Tom Cruise has to save his gay husband, John Travolta. | ||
But other than that, it's a real action movie. | ||
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
It's just gay. | ||
I like it. | ||
Wouldn't that be fucking cool? | ||
I like it. | ||
Like, just a straight gay... | ||
If anyone out there is a screenwriter, have at it, because I'm never going to write it. | ||
Would that fly? | ||
Would people enjoy that? | ||
I think... | ||
Like, if it was really good, like John Wick style. | ||
I think it would. | ||
I really think it would. | ||
If the guy just... | ||
It's not like gay guys are, like, a feat in the... | ||
I know plenty of, like, rough... | ||
Gay guys that'll whoop your ass. | ||
Bears, bro. | ||
Bears, bro. | ||
They got their own growl. | ||
That's how fucking bad these guys are. | ||
But to really, it would be fucking so cool. | ||
Because that's how I feel with someone like Gerard coming out. | ||
I'm like, I don't care. | ||
Okay. | ||
It's never come up. | ||
We've been good friends for a decade. | ||
Just never came up. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, he didn't seem that interested in women, but I also don't think he's not interested. | ||
He's just maybe... | ||
There's definitely a spectrum, right? | ||
And some people are just... | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
And that's fine, too. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I'm also not... | ||
If I were on the spectrum, I think I would absolutely do it. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I'm just not on the spectrum. | ||
But in terms of opportunity... | ||
There's a lot of nights a year, Joe. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
There's 365 nights a year. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
You're not going to do the- Pussy dick, pussy dick, pussy dick. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Go back and you go back and more. | ||
Same night. | ||
Split it up. | ||
Dom and I had the best joke about that. | ||
He goes, this is how little I give a fuck. | ||
He goes, I wish I was gay just so I could come out. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
He goes, I wish. | ||
unidentified
|
I wish I had a secret like that. | |
Yeah. | ||
He goes, that's how little I give a fuck. | ||
It's so true. | ||
It's like his joke about I'm gaining weight for a movie. | ||
I don't know what the movie is yet, but it's such a fucking great joke. | ||
Yeah, but a gay action movie would be fantastic. | ||
I like it. | ||
I do too. | ||
Within a year or two, people would be definitely ready for it. | ||
If it were a legit good action movie, I think they'd be, if it were Tom Hardy, even if, maybe if they were both, one of them was straight and one of them was Tom Hardy and he just plays gay and it's taken. | ||
It doesn't have to be two gay guys. | ||
It could be even crazier, two straight guys who have to make out. | ||
Yeah, they could be played by straight guys. | ||
Absolutely. | ||
Now we're really talking. | ||
Now you're talking. | ||
And now you're talking commitment. | ||
Because I was thinking about, if Tom Cruise was gay, right, and he just came out, and there's a movie where he has to save his wife, would women not believe it? | ||
Do you know what I mean? | ||
Yes. | ||
So if you come out, so it's like, all right, so now in the next Mission Impossible, they just kidnap his husband. | ||
Yeah, well, for sure you could do that with lesbians. | ||
If you had two hot lesbians? | ||
Yeah, of course. | ||
100%. | ||
Yeah. | ||
No, there's zero issue. | ||
That would be no problem. | ||
There'd be no resistance. | ||
And that's the difference between a lesbian actress. | ||
They can go, a woman who's a lesbian can play straight, gay, straight. | ||
Because there's a big portion of men who never truly believe a lesbian. | ||
I have a bit about it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I had a bit about it from one of my old specials. | ||
It's like, we believe that you believe you're a lesbian. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You just ain't got a piece of this sweet dick yet. | ||
You never spent a Saturday with me at fucking Applebee's. | ||
I hit you with an Applebee's and a bar, a corner bar. | ||
Forget it. | ||
The panty dropper. | ||
Tequila shots. | ||
What do you got? | ||
Brokeback Mountain. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It wasn't really an action, though. | ||
No, but if it's that... | ||
Do we know for sure that both of those guys are not gay? | ||
We do not. | ||
We... | ||
We assume... | ||
I mean... | ||
Jake Gyllenhaal's straight. | ||
You say so. | ||
Heath Ledger. | ||
But you saw that movie. | ||
I mean, come on, man. | ||
You saw it. | ||
You believed it. | ||
No one's that good at acting. | ||
Jack Nicholson is definitely crazy. | ||
There's no way he could play crazy. | ||
That guy's definitely gay. | ||
Trust me, I know things. | ||
unidentified
|
I've seen many movies and understand them. | |
I know when someone's acting and someone's just gay. | ||
The fucking kid believed it. | ||
That was easy for him. | ||
Yeah, no, it would be that, but running around. | ||
Yeah, that could happen. | ||
I think that could happen. | ||
I think we're on the verge of that. | ||
It's nice. | ||
I would enjoy it. | ||
I'm happy for it because then people stop getting free passes where you're goofy, but you're gay. | ||
So we let you slide with silly behavior. | ||
Like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
I want equality. | ||
I want me to be able to call you a dunce and not have to worry about being homophobic. | ||
And no one hears gay dunce when you say it. | ||
You just go, this guy's a fucking dummy. | ||
He's a fucking dunce. | ||
Oh my god, you're homophobic. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
Oh my god. | ||
Yeah, that's how it would go at the Comedy Cellar. | ||
Just like this fucking dunce, and it would count. | ||
Dude, I hear that the Comedy Cellar seriously has a social justice warrior infestation. | ||
They need to spray the place. | ||
Oh, I don't, I mean, when I've been there, it hasn't been like that. | ||
I mean, there have been people writing about it. | ||
I mean, it's like, the comedy teller is like the main hub of culture now. | ||
Is it the main hub of wokeness? | ||
Yeah, I mean, but it's also like the main battlefield of wokeness, where it's like, Louis came, and there were protesters, and then I couldn't sit at the table. | ||
Fuck you! | ||
And it's like, alright, I mean... | ||
I don't think it's... | ||
Pull your dick out! | ||
Yeah, exactly. | ||
Some girl told Louie to pull her dick out and she was a hero. | ||
I was quoting all these tweets that were talking about it and articles that were written. | ||
Hero. | ||
She was heroic. | ||
I think someone sent me a Louis article today. | ||
I think there's just fatigue at this point. | ||
Yes. | ||
I think people are just like... | ||
Like, what's he... | ||
I don't... | ||
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
Like, try to find a new Stormy Daniels article. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Everybody's like, enough. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
We thought it was going to work. | ||
It didn't work. | ||
He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
unidentified
|
Ah, fuck. | |
He doesn't care? | ||
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
Dude, Justin Martindale was in... | ||
I'll never forget. | ||
He's in the fucking hallway of the Comedy Store as flamboyant as he could ever be. | ||
Yep. | ||
And he goes, that's our Monica Lewinsky. | ||
She's gonna take him down. | ||
I'm like, good luck. | ||
Stormy Daniels? | ||
Yeah, I'm like, good luck with that. | ||
That ain't gonna do shit. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So what's the worst thing that comes out of this? | ||
That he fucked her? | ||
Or that he paid her to keep quiet and she didn't keep quiet? | ||
What's the worst thing? | ||
Do we think he doesn't fuck? | ||
Yeah, it's all different strains. | ||
I'm like, we knew he was gross. | ||
No one cared. | ||
The only way that it goes is he raises taxes, or then he'll lose his base, or you raise his taxes on lower middle class people, and if he doesn't stand by his abortion stuff. | ||
But otherwise, all the donors are sticking with him, everyone's sticking with him. | ||
What happened yesterday? | ||
There was a new abortion ruling. | ||
Was it in Alabama? | ||
Yes. | ||
It's basically outlawed. | ||
I personally believe it's going to backfire. | ||
You think so? | ||
Yeah, because I think people, the thing that's always been true is Republicans were against abortion and they would go like, and they never got to repeal it, right? | ||
I think they're gonna repeal it and then people are gonna go like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, this is crazy. | ||
If you don't want to get abortions, fine, but you can't People change a law based on, a lot of times, not even a plurality of, like in general elections, like in the general presidential election. | ||
It's not even the majority of the country that elects the president now. | ||
Was this something that the people of Alabama voted on? | ||
No, it's the state legislature. | ||
That is a slippery slope. | ||
Yeah, and it's like you're doing 99 years in jail if you give an abortion or get one. | ||
That's what it is now? | ||
Yeah, that's the law that they passed. | ||
I just personally believe that... | ||
I mean, I'm obviously hopeful, but it's a bit like, nah, that's too far. | ||
It's a bit like when they made Clinton testify, and people were like, eh, that was too far a line was crossed when they made Clinton testify about his sex life, and it was like, mm... | ||
We don't like that. | ||
We understand that you wanted to rebuke the guy, but don't make the president. | ||
And I feel like I'm hoping, and I believe it's true, that it will be too far afield for moderate people. | ||
I hope you're right. | ||
It's very dangerous when you just decide that no one can do it anymore based on a few people's decision that is going to affect the millions of people that live in Alabama. | ||
Well, also, abortion laws are odd because the assumption is the reason Christians want to outlaw it is because they think God is going to say, what's with your vote on that? | ||
I saw that you voted for abortion. | ||
You want to kill babies? | ||
Yeah, so you want to kill babies? | ||
Well, no, I didn't kill any babies. | ||
Yeah, but you voted for it. | ||
It's like, they don't want to live in a country where that's legal. | ||
Having said that, if you Google the worldwide rights of abortion, it's not legal everywhere. | ||
Which surprised me, because I was like, what is America's... | ||
Where do we stand within the rest of the world? | ||
And there are not a ton of countries, but I think it's illegal in a quarter of the world. | ||
Wow. | ||
If not more. | ||
Well, abortion is one of those things where it's like, okay, when does it bother you? | ||
It doesn't bother me at all if you're two days pregnant. | ||
It doesn't bother me at all. | ||
It bothers me a little if you're four months pregnant. | ||
It bothers me a lot if you're five or six. | ||
It bothers me a lot. | ||
If you look really pregnant and you get an abortion, it's like, what is that? | ||
Is that a baby that would be viable outside the womb? | ||
Because it's something that people just have a deep discomfort about when discussing. | ||
Even if you're a supporter of it, if you just discuss the actual reality of what it is, what the act is, what this Surgical procedure is. | ||
And it makes, you know, it's not... | ||
It's not nothing. | ||
That's the thing. | ||
It's not nothing. | ||
And I think that one of the indicators that it's not nothing... | ||
And I'm pro-choice. | ||
As I. Yeah, like... | ||
You're right-wing, Joe. | ||
Everybody knows that. | ||
Super rude. | ||
I'm so far right, I go the other way. | ||
I'm left. | ||
Catching the backside. | ||
I actually do want to talk about that. | ||
The presumption about you. | ||
That... | ||
One of the indicators is when people talk about even getting an abortion, they always whisper about it. | ||
And I don't know if it's because of the stigma or because it's kind of not. | ||
Yeah, it's a personal thing, too. | ||
I don't think they want to discuss it with other folks. | ||
But I wouldn't care if I got a cyst removed. | ||
I mean, if that's the indication. | ||
Right, if it's just that. | ||
Yeah, if it's just a medical procedure. | ||
And again, pro-choice, have at it. | ||
I haven't had any abortions that I know of, but I don't know at what point I'd be like, ah! | ||
And these attitudes about it, about the taboo of discussing it, though, it impedes rational discourse. | ||
It impedes your ability to talk about things and communicate about them. | ||
Because you have to have this very rigid opinion that you're always pro-abortion, pro-women's rights, woman's right to choose, which I am. | ||
But we're still talking about a real thing. | ||
And that real thing is killing a thing that would grow up to be a person, and that's why people freak out about it. | ||
And to pretend it otherwise is just disingenuous. | ||
Louie was the first one I heard talk about that on stage in a way that was funny. | ||
We're like, if they think they're murdering babies down there, yeah, I'd protest too. | ||
If there was a place that I thought these people are murdering babies, I'm out there every day. | ||
He's like, I don't care. | ||
I personally think they are murdering babies. | ||
I don't care. | ||
This is before he got in trouble, and this is one of the things, like that Parkland joke that he did, I was like, look, that's not his best joke, but it's also, he's working it out. | ||
He hasn't done stand-up in ten fucking months, he's working it out, but if you say that he's different now, we're getting to see the real Louie, like, bitch, you better go through his library. | ||
That's what he did! | ||
Yeah, the Parkland thing was like his ninth most offensive joke. | ||
Yeah, not even close. | ||
That's what he does. | ||
It's called comedy. | ||
Yeah, the idea was like, well, but we didn't know he was a dick. | ||
Because you didn't even know him. | ||
Yeah, because you didn't know him. | ||
You assume what you believed what he fed, or you wanted to believe. | ||
I have a theory that one of the reasons people like the New York Times and other media outlets brought the hammer down so hard on him is because they'd heard the rumors and ignored them. | ||
So now they have to signal that, like, this is wrong. | ||
Because there were rumors before. | ||
Right. | ||
And they were like, we don't, like, they ignored them, so now they have to overcompensate. | ||
Be like, he is absolutely, he's the face of hypocrisy and evil. | ||
I was like, okay. | ||
Well, he just caught it at the worst time ever culturally. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He just, it's a bad... | ||
He had beachfront property during a hurricane. | ||
Yeah, it was a hurricane of change. | ||
Yeah, some hurricanes you can destroy. | ||
You got the deep stilts. | ||
Not this one, motherfucker. | ||
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This is a fucking structure flattener. | |
He's walking around, I was going, oh my god, this is my cup! | ||
Oh, my cup! | ||
Here's what I want to talk about with you. | ||
The idea, because whenever I tell people we're friends or that I go on your show, they're like, how can you? | ||
I'm like, first of all, because you're a fucking good dude and have been a good dude for 27 years that I know of, to me. | ||
Thank you. | ||
It doesn't mean you're always good, but whatever, you're always a good dude. | ||
Every time I say that, whatever, I don't fucking know your life. | ||
I don't know what you do outside of fucking... | ||
Encino. | ||
And now the next question becomes, why do you have cranks on the show? | ||
And you and I have talked about this a little bit off the show. | ||
Explain, because you are basically liberal. | ||
Yes. | ||
But you believe in having hardcore right-wing people on because you like them personally, or you believe it's worth... | ||
Some of them I like personally, some of them it's worth having a conversation. | ||
Ben Shapiro was one that I had a long conversation with. | ||
He's one of the more controversial guys that I have on. | ||
People get upset at me and call me an alt-righter. | ||
Which, meanwhile, he's been attacked by the alt-right. | ||
You know, he wears a yarmulke, for Christ's sake. | ||
He's not alt-right. | ||
He's not a white supremacist by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
He was the number one target for anti-Semitic remarks in the entire world in 2016. Well, he's... | ||
There's that. | ||
There's definitely that. | ||
But we had an in-depth conversation, a very long one, about gay people. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I saw a little bit of it where he was like, he kind of got a little lost. | ||
Well, yeah, because it doesn't – well, he had two different takes. | ||
Here's, like, David Parkman had an interesting take on it. | ||
Parkman said that if you look at his explanation – because I asked him a couple things. | ||
I'm like, do you really believe that Moses is part of the Red Sea? | ||
And he said I would look for a more naturalistic explanation for that. | ||
But then when I talked to him about gay people and gay things – He wasn't interested in a naturalistic explanation. | ||
And he also wasn't interested in giving people the ability to do whatever they want. | ||
He felt like you're supposed to resist that. | ||
And his take is that you have an urge to murder people, but you don't do it because you're a good person. | ||
And you should do the same thing with being gay. | ||
And I was like, wow, that's crazy mental gymnastics. | ||
So that is, he believes, a natural occurring thing. | ||
That God is testing you with. | ||
I mean, I'm putting words in his mouth, I think, but essentially that's his position. | ||
His position is that God doesn't want you to do that. | ||
It's in the Bible. | ||
He doesn't do it. | ||
I mean, he goes hard. | ||
He doesn't use electricity on the Sabbath until the sun goes down, the whole deal. | ||
And, you know, a lot of people are like, you know, you're giving this guy a platform. | ||
I'm like, look, I'm communicating with someone. | ||
And I like him as a person. | ||
He's a very nice guy. | ||
I don't agree with him at all about that, about the gay stuff. | ||
And you believe it's worth giving people a platform. | ||
What does that mean? | ||
Well, not a platform, but like... | ||
I think that's a real problem discussing things like that. | ||
Like giving people a platform. | ||
Because we're living in this world of de-platforming people. | ||
I think that's inherently dangerous. | ||
And I think that just stopping people from their ability to communicate just makes more pressure on their side. | ||
It makes more people that are on the fence support them because they see you as being a censor. | ||
And that's what I think we found out with Jack from Twitter. | ||
Jack Dorsey, when he came on and talked to me about it. | ||
And when he brought Vij on, who's the lawyer. | ||
Like censoring one is censoring one. | ||
It's not smart. | ||
It's not good. | ||
It does the opposite of what you intended to do. | ||
It makes the other side magnified. | ||
It makes whoever you're censoring more popular. | ||
It makes them an underdog. | ||
And it also goes against core American values like the freedom of speech. | ||
And I know that these are private institutions. | ||
And I know that they're not necessarily forced to uphold what we do. | ||
Determined as free speech in terms of how it's written in the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. | ||
I get it. | ||
I understand that. | ||
But I think that the principles of human interaction on this planet are largely dictated by our ability to discuss things. | ||
Even if you disagree. | ||
I actually do agree with you that the... | ||
I think like deplatforming and silencing and he's a... | ||
Dangerous. | ||
There are very few people that... | ||
Well, there's no one that I agree with 100% of the time. | ||
Right. | ||
Even yourself. | ||
Yes, including your joke about, like, you don't agree with yourself. | ||
Yeah, I don't. | ||
I don't. | ||
That's real. | ||
Yeah, well, that's also, there's something Buddhist about it, which is, like, your thoughts are not correct. | ||
Right. | ||
They're not even your thoughts. | ||
And they're dependent upon your emotions sometimes. | ||
Yes. | ||
They're dependent upon your stress levels. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You know, sometimes you just don't have it in you. | ||
You're like, stop! | ||
Yeah. | ||
And other times, the same situation, you'd be super calm and reasonable and maybe you could turn it around. | ||
Yeah, if you've eaten. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, I saw a thing yesterday. | ||
Doctors are worse in the afternoon. | ||
Oh, I'm sure. | ||
Judges are worse. | ||
I've heard surgeries. | ||
You should always get surgeries in the morning. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But the right-wing thing is just an easy way to dismiss me. | ||
Because I'm not right-wing. | ||
If you ask me my positions on things, it's very left-wing. | ||
The only thing that I vary with the orthodoxy is with the Second Amendment, with gun rights. | ||
I don't think it's just that simple. | ||
I know a lot of really good people that have guns. | ||
I know a lot of really good people that never shoot anybody that have guns to protect themselves. | ||
And to label everyone the same is just like labeling everyone who drives a car the same as those incels that drove into people in Montreal or wherever. | ||
We have a real problem labeling people and labeling people with it's lazy and it's an attempt to marginalize or dismiss their positions. | ||
And it also feels good to do it. | ||
It feels good to like, guess what? | ||
Writing them off. | ||
I'm superior. | ||
I have a very clear moral view. | ||
I'm taking out one of my moral paintbrushes and zoom. | ||
You are that. | ||
I mean, even if it's not a moral position, even if, like, that Neil Brennan, he's such a left-wing cuck. | ||
He's a this and a that, and boom, there you go. | ||
I got him in a box, I'm going to put a ribbon on it, ship him off. | ||
So you've read the comments when I'm on the show. | ||
Cancelled. | ||
You're cancelled, I heard. | ||
So I brought up that makeup boy, and the makeup boy my daughter's in love with, she watches this makeup boy on YouTube, and now he's been cancelled. | ||
I understand. | ||
He lost $3 million. | ||
And she was telling me, to have an 11-year-old sit down and tell you about a gay makeup artist. | ||
And this is the funny part. | ||
She goes, well, there was a couple things. | ||
Okay. | ||
So, there was the thing with, he has a friend who, and he tells me this woman's name, who got him into the business. | ||
And then she asked him to promote her hair stuff, but he said no, and he went with another hair stuff. | ||
So he totally, totally betrayed her. | ||
It's like my 11-year-old's telling me this. | ||
And then, this was the best part, she goes, there was also some talk that he's gay and there was boys that were not gay and he tried to get them to be in a room with him. | ||
It's like listening to an 11-year-old tell me the shit. | ||
Well, by the way, that also could have been... | ||
That's the tone of the internet, anyway, as an 11-year-old girl. | ||
It is. | ||
I'm not in touch. | ||
At least it came from an 11-year-old girl instead of like, so-and-so's canceled. | ||
You can read everything. | ||
Like, yeah, no, you're a fucking 40-year-old adult. | ||
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Why are you talking like a little girl? | |
You're on BuzzFeed. | ||
You're on Fox. | ||
Like, is he in the point where the New York Times is going to be doing that? | ||
It's close to it now. | ||
I mean, I think that... | ||
Owns abortion, people. | ||
What it is, is the media right now, especially journalism, they're fucking starving for hits. | ||
It's so hard to make money. | ||
It's so hard. | ||
And so they're drowning. | ||
And so they're trying to grab whatever branches they can. | ||
If they gotta make a good story with a clickbaity title, fuck it. | ||
They'll have that deceptive title. | ||
Who gives a shit? | ||
We got a good story. | ||
The story's vetted. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And even if it's not totally vetted, if it's a little slippery, but you can make an amendment later, you know, I'm sorry, we have a little bit of an apology, we have to make a retraction. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Nobody reads those goddamn retractions. | ||
No. | ||
I mean, you should have to have a retract. | ||
If you fuck up so hardcore that you attribute a crime to someone or you do something like that, you have to make a retraction. | ||
It should be on the front page of your paper and nothing else for a month. | ||
That's it. | ||
This is your newspaper now. | ||
I'm sorry. | ||
We don't get to tell you the news anymore because we fucked this up so hard that we printed out to millions of people. | ||
You don't get to just put in a little column in the corner. | ||
We'd like to apologize. | ||
We fucked up last month. | ||
Also, 9-11 happened. | ||
Also, planes run into the World Trade Center. | ||
It's fucking too hard to be a journalist, man. | ||
This is another thing I want to talk to you about, which is absolute Meaning, if you believe, like, I still believe in, like, institutional journalists. | ||
I believe in New York Times, I believe in Washington Post. | ||
And you used the fact that they wrote about a UFC fight, they just said he was bloody, or the McGregor fight, where he was bloody and he wasn't. | ||
It was just a bad, very bad description. | ||
It was very inaccurate. | ||
I'm like, why would you do that? | ||
You guys are crazy that the New York Times is allowing this completely inaccurate description of something that millions of people saw. | ||
It's so silly. | ||
And it makes everybody question everything else you say. | ||
And you might think it's trivial because it's just a boxing match. | ||
But it's completely inaccurate. | ||
And completely exaggerating what actually went down. | ||
Well, you've had articles written about you. | ||
They fuck up everyone. | ||
Now, having said that... | ||
We can't dismiss all of journalism. | ||
There needs to be an absolute, kind of an absolute truth, and that's what I feel like is sort of melting in this era of anyone who's like, well, they said this, and that's not true, so everything else they say is fucking bullshit. | ||
Right. | ||
Of course. | ||
Which I think Trump does a lot. | ||
And I think people are all too happy to believe it because they resent institutions. | ||
They resent these smarty-pants motherfuckers, which I also get. | ||
I get the impulse. | ||
Especially some of the New York Times, right? | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's the smartiest. | ||
The old gray lady. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And it just plays on every stereotype. | ||
There are so many stereotypes at work that can make you write it off. | ||
I think we're in a transitionary period. | ||
That's what I think. | ||
What do you think it gets replaced by them? | ||
That's the real problem. | ||
The real problem is they have all their pieces, all the best journalists, right? | ||
All the best people. | ||
Are all locked into two ancient systems. | ||
One ancient system is print medium, the other ancient system is broadcast medium. | ||
The broadcast medium, the ancient part of it is, it has to go on at a certain time, Tuesdays at 8pm, and then you have to sit there and wait for commercials unless you DVR it, right? | ||
So that's inherently flawed. | ||
And then the print medium, well, they figured out a way to get it on your laptop and your phone now. | ||
So, okay. | ||
They've got a little bit of a workaround there, but they have a really hard time getting people to sign up for digital subscriptions. | ||
The distribution's not nearly as good as it used to be. | ||
And it's hard. | ||
It's hard to get people to buy newspapers. | ||
But at least they've got their foot in the door with Clickbait titles. | ||
And I think the Times and the Post are pretty successful online. | ||
They're actually doing much better because of President Trump. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
Because he talks so much shit about them that people actually said, I need to support. | ||
Like, what? | ||
unidentified
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The New York Times, what is it? | |
Well, they needed to support it. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah, I'll check it out. | |
Because they're like, fuck, man. | ||
This guy's literally trying to take down the Times. | ||
It's so irresponsible. | ||
He's trying to take out the New York Times. | ||
That's what I think might happen with abortion, where it's like, oh, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
I don't even want to get it. | ||
But if this is where you motherfuckers were headed... | ||
Because they were being held back. | ||
It was like, motherfucker, I'll fuck you up! | ||
And then they got free, and now they're beating the shit out of abortion. | ||
People are like, whoa. | ||
Accidental pregnancies are the real problem. | ||
Obviously, abortion is the solution, right? | ||
If you have to, if you want to do it. | ||
But the accidental pregnancy is the real fucking problem. | ||
It should be, it's one of the things that I talked about with Jesse Itzel, who was on the other day, we were talking about genetic engineering. | ||
So they're gonna eventually one day move away from sex for procreation. | ||
And sex is just gonna be for fun. | ||
It's just gonna be people bonding and joining each other's bodies. | ||
That's not gonna be how we procreate. | ||
We're gonna procreate through some sort of enhanced genetic process. - You like a girl, you make a call. - Well, it'll certainly drastically reduce the amount of people that have kids, you know? | ||
So does everyone, do you freeze your eggs and, like, we give sperm? | ||
I don't know how they're going to do it. | ||
I don't know how they're going to do it. | ||
I mean, I think there's also the problem that the baby supposedly bonds inside the mother's body. | ||
Like, to have a baby grow up in some sort of a fucking weird electronic womb and then you make that kid a fucking sociopath. | ||
Right. | ||
He has no connection to people when he's born. | ||
He doesn't give a fuck just But it'll be, yeah. | ||
I mean, there was that test tube baby thing, which I think started before me, but I remember that being an insult. | ||
They put the baby in the body, though. | ||
They put the embryos in the person's body. | ||
There is the thing of surrogates. | ||
Yes. | ||
So who do they bond with? | ||
That's a weird one, man. | ||
Like, that's the Kim Kardashian way now, right? | ||
She's having a bunch of babies with surrogates. | ||
Like, you know, you show up for the wedding, or you show up for the birth in a fucking tight skirt, and you're like, yay, my baby's being born today. | ||
Like, what? | ||
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Yeah. | |
What? | ||
You have your clothes on. | ||
Yeah. | ||
What is happening here? | ||
Yeah. | ||
No, I got to hire somebody. | ||
My friend actually did that. | ||
I got a girl on it. | ||
My friend actually did that. | ||
He's gay. | ||
And he and his husband, they mix their sperm. | ||
They shot it in a turkey baster or something into some gal. | ||
I don't know how to do it. | ||
I might be making this up. | ||
You don't follow science too tight. | ||
Anyway, she got pregnant, their surrogate got pregnant, had the baby and decided to keep it. | ||
Decided she couldn't part with it. | ||
And it's their baby. | ||
So it's their DNA and mixed with hers. | ||
And she decided to keep it and she got away with it. | ||
Did they sue her or they just were like... | ||
I don't know. | ||
I don't know. | ||
I didn't want to push. | ||
They were very upset and then they wound up getting another surrogate and then having a child and everything worked out. | ||
This was quite a while ago. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But they were really bummed out, man. | ||
I mean, they were ready to be parents. | ||
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But then, you know, some people say, well, they were never going to be parents in the first place because they're gay and they didn't even have sex with her. | |
Right. | ||
But it is their baby, right? | ||
It's their DNA that made that baby. | ||
They didn't adopt a child. | ||
Right. | ||
They chose to have a surrogate. | ||
Right. | ||
Yeah, no, it's complicated, and it's getting... | ||
Well, that's the thing of, like, it feels like the level of danger and difficulty in the world is just getting steeper by the day. | ||
We're like, wait, what? | ||
And then there's always global warming, and you're like, oh, fuck! | ||
Fuck! | ||
Did you see fucking the science guy, Bill Nye, going crazy, screaming and yelling and swearing? | ||
Yeah, the planet's on fucking fire, and he's getting a little silly. | ||
Yeah, I know. | ||
I'm like, bro, we're all right. | ||
Go to Antarctica. | ||
Plants on fire, bro. | ||
No, I saw a thing that Antarctica was like 84 degrees. | ||
Oh my god, it's on fire. | ||
I mean, yeah. | ||
Is it really? | ||
Do you really see something that said Antarctica was 84 degrees? | ||
Yeah, something in the Arctic Circle's 84 degrees, like three days ago. | ||
What the fuck is that? | ||
What the fuck? | ||
It's gonna be a... | ||
It's gonna be... | ||
Do you ever think about like... | ||
Global warming? | ||
But really what it will look like. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like in 70 years... | ||
What it will do to the art... | ||
Like... | ||
And I'm not talking about just... | ||
Miami's gone. | ||
That's incredibly crazy to think about. | ||
It's unfathomable. | ||
Those Miami people, they're going to move other places and ruin them. | ||
That's my biggest worry. | ||
Everywhere he goes, it's going to be Lamborghinis, dudes yelling at girls in Spanish. | ||
Eating outside. | ||
Everyone's fucking eating outside. | ||
But like, would you fucking get indoors, you maniac? | ||
It's a party, though. | ||
A lot of salsa. | ||
I love going there. | ||
Salsa in like North Carolina. | ||
Like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
Salsa dancing. | ||
Get the fuck out of here with the fucking... | ||
That's a good bit. | ||
They're like another country that's attached to Florida. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's like Europe... | ||
It's, I always say, it's like people, you see like Italian people like in Beverly Hills or Miami, and I always say to my friend, those are people that were too douchey for Italy. | ||
And they're like, oh, we gotta take it to the next douchey level. | ||
Miami! | ||
And then they go... | ||
Yeah, but you think about like, not like 28 days later, but like... | ||
You know? | ||
Like Mad Max. | ||
Huge, like, scary, fucking scary. | ||
Especially because we're going to be near dead, and no disrespect, you're not going to be in the same shape you're in now. | ||
And you're not, I mean, people may give you respect, but, like, it's going to be fucking scary. | ||
We're going to have to move to the mountains. | ||
Where would you move? | ||
The shit hit the fan. | ||
Somebody, Sam, what's Callan's friend Sam, Fighter's Mind? | ||
Sam Cedar? | ||
No, Sam, the Fighter's Mind, he wrote. | ||
Goddammit, how can I not remember his name? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Hold on a second. | ||
I'll tell you real quick. | ||
This is going to be worth it, guys. | ||
Listeners, this is... | ||
Sam Sheridan. | ||
Sam Sheridan, that's right. | ||
Sam Sheridan. | ||
Thank you. | ||
Told me 10 years ago and stuck with me. | ||
Go to the marina. | ||
Because I live in Venice. | ||
He's like, go to the marina and basically just get... | ||
Basically, you've got to pay to get on a boat or just be like, I will be... | ||
The hard part is, how do I qualify to, like, I can help you with that? | ||
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Right, right. | |
Because I get seasick. | ||
Here's what I have going for me. | ||
Why a boat? | ||
Because you just get away. | ||
You get away from anyone. | ||
You get away from, in LA's case, millions and millions of people. | ||
And you can, if there's an attacker, you can see them. | ||
You assume that they're not going to be like, you know, SEAL teams coming onto your boat. | ||
Attackers. | ||
I know, but that's what I mean. | ||
Like, how crazy could it get? | ||
Yeah. | ||
You gotta go to Alaska. | ||
How do you get there? | ||
It's a good call. | ||
Can you drive? | ||
Airport's closed. | ||
It's connected, right? | ||
You could drive. | ||
You could technically drive, yeah. | ||
Technically? | ||
They cut off that road all the time in the Napa Valley because the landslide will shut off the road. | ||
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Oh, yeah. | |
If that happens, good luck. | ||
Where the fuck are you going to go? | ||
Then you're fucked. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's like Burr's got the helicopter, but he's got to go to get it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's his escape. | ||
He had a great bit about that, his black and white special. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, I would move north. | ||
I'd probably move somewhere that was, if I could just go to a place, if I knew I just had to get to a place, I would go to a place that is sustainable. | ||
Like, whether it's Alaska, or Minnesota, or Michigan, somewhere there's a lot of animals, and there's wildlife, and you have cold, you have water, you have a lot, like, cold is better than heat, because cold you can make a fire. | ||
Like, if you have shelter and you can make a fire in the cold, you can live. | ||
I have a counter-argument, which is, I don't... | ||
The cold kills more people than heat. | ||
Sure, it does. | ||
Hypothermia, it does. | ||
But that's just because, you know, people are unprepared for it. | ||
You can prepare for cold with clothing. | ||
You can't really prepare for heat with clothing. | ||
With heat, you need air conditioning, and you need water. | ||
Those are two things that are critical. | ||
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Or at least shade. | |
Yeah, you need something. | ||
People that have lived in very cold climates, as long as they have a good house and they have a good supply of wood, they're fine. | ||
If you live in the desert, man, you're kind of fucked. | ||
You're kind of fucked if the power goes out. | ||
You don't really have anything to keep you cool. | ||
You have to stay in the shade and stay indoors, but it's not good enough when it's 110 degrees inside and it's 125, 130 outside. | ||
If you're hydrated, though, I don't think you will just die from heat exposure. | ||
No, you won't, but you're not going to find a lot of water. | ||
One of the problems with global warming is going to be that things like lakes, lakes and streams, there's going to be less. | ||
There's going to be less water. | ||
There's going to be less dribbling down through the creeks. | ||
Creeks are going to dry up. | ||
Streams will dry up. | ||
You're going to have a hard time getting water if you're in a desert environment. | ||
If you have, by the same token, if you have as much water as you have wood, obviously it's not a one-to-one analogy because you can go get more wood easily. | ||
But if you had a shitload of water, right? | ||
If you just had like... | ||
I hear your thought about getting cold, but I don't know. | ||
If I had shade, I guess with cold you don't have to have electricity. | ||
You don't have to have electricity with cold, and also you have more of an opportunity to find animals. | ||
You'll find more animals in cold climates than you're going to find in hot climates. | ||
More delicious animals, for sure. | ||
Yeah, more things to eat. | ||
But you could still easily starve to death. | ||
The idea that it's easy to go out there and shoot a bunch of animals and eat them all the time, Not most places. | ||
Most places you don't have an abundant enough supply of wildlife. | ||
You're also a guy who does archery. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You have skills for this. | ||
And I would still be panicked. | ||
I'd be like, fuck, this is not good. | ||
If I had to feed my family with a bow and arrow, first of all, I'd say, okay, how many arrows do I have? | ||
I would have to make sure that I have enough arrows. | ||
I mean, you'd have to practice, too. | ||
Archery's not something like a rifle. | ||
If I have... | ||
A hundred rounds. | ||
I can kill a hundred things. | ||
I don't really need to practice that much if my rifle's not off. | ||
I can... | ||
I have good trigger discipline. | ||
I'll pull through the shot. | ||
I'll try not to flinch. | ||
And I'm not going to take any... | ||
Literally, the two of those three things, I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. | ||
When you're shooting, you don't want to anticipate. | ||
Right. | ||
You don't want to anticipate. | ||
I go... | ||
You don't want to flinch when the trigger goes off. | ||
So a lot of guys like Tim Kennedy, who's a friend of mine, who's one of the baddest motherfuckers in the world, he'll practice with dummy rounds. | ||
So he has regular bullets and then four bullets are just not real bullets. | ||
So it's like bang, bang, bang, click! | ||
And then he has to get rid of that bullet. | ||
But at least he knows if he was flinching. | ||
Because if you're flinching, you'll see this movement where there's no gun goes off, the bullet doesn't go off, but you make that weird move because you're anticipating the shot. | ||
And that's the way to train yourself out of it? | ||
Yeah, you have to do something like that. | ||
You have to have what's called trigger discipline. | ||
Well, first of all, trigger discipline means don't put your finger on the trigger, but also the way you squeeze. | ||
You've got to just squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, and let the shot go off by surprise and not react to it. | ||
It's the same thing with a bow and arrow. | ||
You have to have a surprise shot. | ||
You want to concentrate on the target, zone it in. | ||
Which feels like you kind of can't even be there, meaning you just have to be like, I'm doing a thing. | ||
Yep. | ||
Like, you can't think about the release. | ||
You have to just think about the target. | ||
That's very astute of you. | ||
There's actually courses. | ||
There's a guy named Joel Turner who has this whole course called Shot IQ. He teaches first responders, like SWAT teams and shit, about trigger discipline and about how to shoot properly under pressure. | ||
And he works with people with archery with the same thing because it's a psychological thing. | ||
But my point is, with a bow and arrow, you're kind of fucked. | ||
You need a lot of goddamn arrows. | ||
You need to make sure that bow's going to stay okay. | ||
And an animal, too. | ||
Like a deer or bear would be the most edible things. | ||
Yeah, you want a bear. | ||
If you have a bear, you could eat that motherfucker for a long time. | ||
And you could take that fat, and you could render the fat down, and use it for cooking, and use it for... | ||
You know, you could do a lot of things with it. | ||
And that meat is a lot of meat. | ||
Anything big. | ||
You want a big animal. | ||
Because you want to be able to dry it out, make jerky. | ||
You want to have something that's going to sustain you for a few days or weeks until you find another animal. | ||
You're going to want to dig a hole in the ground to make some sort of cold storage. | ||
You want to get below, like, the frost line. | ||
Yeah, because you've got to protect it from other bears. | ||
Yeah, you're going to have to do a lot of things. | ||
And you're probably not going to make enough food. | ||
It sounds hard. | ||
It's the hardest. | ||
Every time I go on a hunting trip, I always think, like, imagine if this is the only way I could get food. | ||
It's so goddamn hard to get close to an animal. | ||
It's so hard. | ||
People see videos of it, like on YouTube, and there's the deer, and you draw your bow back, and you hit it in the heart, and the deer's down, and everybody celebrates. | ||
What you don't see is days and days of hiking. | ||
All day long, just go. | ||
If you could watch from a live stream of the moment a hunt starts to the moment you're successful, and you just sat through the whole thing like it's a fucking Games of Thrones marathon, then you would understand it. | ||
But even then, you wouldn't really, because you wouldn't be out there in the cold, exhausted, hiking uphill, going thousands of feet up and down at elevation, and then the wind shifts and the deer smells you and it darts off, you're like... | ||
Fuck! | ||
It's hard, man. | ||
It's, like, tedious. | ||
And to survive off of that? | ||
See, I'm doing it for my own food, but if I don't get a deer, I'm gonna live. | ||
I'll go to a restaurant. | ||
If your only option is deer that you catch and kill and find and shoot... | ||
And your daughter's sick. | ||
Oh, my God. | ||
And you gotta fucking catch a deer. | ||
That's when you wonder. | ||
You know, you wonder, how am I gonna watch them starve to death? | ||
That must have been really exciting for Native Americans or just any ancient people of just like getting like you know I think we could kill a buffalo. | ||
Yeah. | ||
If we all like we all have to be fed like we all have to team up and that's why humans have survived but like It must have been so fucking like a celebration, like an Ewok celebration. | ||
You know what's crazy? | ||
To this day, there are these areas where they find a lot of arrowheads because they would drive these buffalo off cliffs. | ||
Yeah. | ||
What fucking nuts is that? | ||
They know the spots where they would drive them off cliffs and fall down. | ||
And sometimes the bodies would decay because they didn't eat all of it. | ||
They couldn't. | ||
There'd be a hundred buffalo fly off a cliff. | ||
There's only a thousand Native Americans in this spot. | ||
What the fuck are they going to do? | ||
They're going to eat as much as they can. | ||
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How are we going to get rid of this meat? | |
But the rotten ones literally exploded and caused a forest fire in one area. | ||
They think a forest fire was caused by a rotting pile of buffalo that eventually exploded. | ||
Like a whale explosion kind of thing? | ||
Yeah, like that kind of deal. | ||
Google that. | ||
Make sure that's not horse shit, because it sounds like a lie coming out of my mouth. | ||
They believe that a rotting pile of bison was responsible for starting a fire. | ||
Because they found all this charred stuff, and they were trying to piece it together, if I remember the story properly. | ||
And I think they were like, this might have happened because the bodies rotted so much they exploded. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
And it started to fall. | ||
Because it's like you have the gases from all this rotting tissue. | ||
You know whales explode on the beach. | ||
They splatter on people. | ||
Fantastic. | ||
So they're trying to take this to a next level. | ||
How much heat would be generated by all this bacteria? | ||
What kind of explosion could this make? | ||
Yeah, and also, why would the explosion... | ||
Is it a spark? | ||
Do you know what I mean? | ||
I would assume it's gooey. | ||
Methane gases and rotten gases. | ||
Yeah, like there would have to be someone to ignite it. | ||
You know those little arrowheads that they find, you're supposed to leave them in a lot of places. | ||
If you find them, you're supposed to leave them there. | ||
Just for like luck or something? | ||
You go fuck yourself. | ||
I ain't leaving shit. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
If I find an arrowhead, like, oh, you have to leave it. | ||
I know where it's going. | ||
It's fucking going up there. | ||
Yeah, where is it going? | ||
If I leave it, someone else is going to pick it up. | ||
unidentified
|
I'm picking it up. | |
Yeah, have a good person pick it up. | ||
You have to leave it. | ||
You have to leave it here. | ||
No, no, no. | ||
You can't have it. | ||
Is that like the Parks Commission or Native Americans? | ||
unidentified
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I don't know. | |
When I was hunting in Nevada, they said that. | ||
If you found out in Arrowhead, you had to leave it there. | ||
I was like, huh, okay. | ||
Oh, you know what I haven't talked to you about? | ||
What? | ||
Doing these big venues. | ||
Oh, arenas. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Weird. | ||
How do you like it? | ||
It's fun, man. | ||
San Diego is a lot of fun. | ||
It's strange, though. | ||
It's a lot of goddamn people. | ||
Does it feel like... | ||
Disconnected? | ||
No. | ||
No, it didn't, surprisingly. | ||
San Diego's interesting. | ||
The people that were in the front, they were right there, man. | ||
unidentified
|
How many is it? | |
7,000? | ||
No. | ||
San Diego was 12-something. | ||
Almost 13. Close to 13,000. | ||
That's unbelievable. | ||
Yeah, that's a lot of people. | ||
And it was in the round? | ||
Yeah. | ||
That was weird, too. | ||
And did you have a plan? | ||
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Nope. | |
I did a lot of sets. | ||
I guess you can't really think about... | ||
You can't worry about the people that are behind you. | ||
You can't. | ||
Well, they have giant screens everywhere, so everybody got to see you. | ||
I definitely was aware of the magnitude of the show, and I did a lot of sets that week. | ||
I did like eight, nine sets that week before I did it. | ||
The funny thing was, I didn't understand. | ||
I was like... | ||
How is he not selling this out? | ||
And then I saw it and he was like, oh, it's a fucking arena. | ||
I was like, I thought Joe was as popular as he's ever been. | ||
And then I'm like, why is this guy posting so much? | ||
And then I'm like, oh, because he's doing a stadium. | ||
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It's a giant ass place. | |
Yeah. | ||
It's hard to get that last thousand. | ||
I know, and you're still, you can't, I don't know if it's the human mind or the competitive comedy mind, but you want that fucking thousand. | ||
You want to hear sold out. | ||
Yeah, like doesn't like, yeah, but you don't want to go, saw Joe Rogan, 12,000 people, yeah, but what's it hold? | ||
12,900. | ||
Yeah, oh, what a pussy. | ||
You can't even get 900 more people to like you, bro. | ||
And you would, not you would think it's a failure, but you would always be like, yeah. | ||
Josh Wolfe showed me a picture once of him on stage opening up for Larry the Cable Guy in front of 50,000. | ||
unidentified
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Jesus. | |
He did a football stadium. | ||
Jesus. | ||
Get her done! | ||
Well, that's what Kevin Hart does those big, I mean... | ||
He did one of his Netflix specials. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
With like 49,000 people. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Something fucking insane. | ||
I mean, I wouldn't want to see that show. | ||
I wouldn't want to go to the third balcony... | ||
Like, what do you even... | ||
I mean, I don't know. | ||
People like communal experiences like that. | ||
Yes, I think that's a good way to put it. | ||
But, like, when a venue's 50,000, you're just far away. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But I guess if you like the... | ||
And everyone's in there together. | ||
You've created a culture. | ||
So people go to be a part of the culture. | ||
Kevin's created a culture. | ||
Larry the Cable Guy created a culture. | ||
So people go. | ||
It's like to be around their brothers and sisters, kind of. | ||
Kind of. | ||
I mean, straight up, though. | ||
Not like it's even intentional. | ||
That's the thing I like about podcasting as a successful medium, and your podcast in particular, is the shit you're into comedy... | ||
You're into fucking weed. | ||
You're into UFOs and the unexplained. | ||
You're into government conspiracies. | ||
You're into gender issues. | ||
You're legitimately into all this stuff. | ||
And you created a tent. | ||
Where everybody feels like, welcome. | ||
Like, hey, he's gonna talk about the thing that I'm... | ||
Like, you're interested in a lot of shit, genuinely. | ||
You're not going, I'm only interested in comedy or more niche about it. | ||
You just, like, this shit you're into. | ||
You're into inventions and fire and guns and hunting. | ||
You're just into a bunch of shit, legitimately, and you express it and people... | ||
Love it. | ||
Well, that's the difference between actually being into shit and talking about the things you're into versus talking about the things you think will be popular. | ||
Right. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You can't do that for... | ||
I guess you could. | ||
I can't think of anyone off the top of my head who that would be. | ||
It would be obvious that you weren't really tuned in. | ||
You wouldn't be really interested in it. | ||
You're not... | ||
You wouldn't be as enthusiastic. | ||
Yeah. | ||
No way. | ||
And you are genuinely... | ||
You only have on people that you genuinely like or genuinely interested in. | ||
And it doesn't matter if they're famous, not famous. | ||
Like, whatever. | ||
Controversial, not controversial. | ||
Like... | ||
It's just shit that you're into. | ||
You're expressing... | ||
Another reason why I like podcasts, it's like watching someone exist. | ||
Yeah, right? | ||
And it's like an expression of your subconscious or your brain. | ||
It's like the typical day in your brain of just like, I like this, and then I go over here, and then I go... | ||
And you've been able to do it in a way, which is why it's so... | ||
It is popular, but it's not even the right word. | ||
It's resonant with people. | ||
Yeah, I think for a long time, people have been doing shows where the show was produced, and there's a bunch of people behind the scenes, and whatever that person is, it's almost more difficult for them to get their personality to shine through all that shit. | ||
But if it's just stuff that you're really interested in, then people get a better sense. | ||
And it's also people you like, and then Segura takes off, and Bert takes off, and... | ||
Who am I forgetting? | ||
Joey takes off. | ||
I didn't know how long you've been friends with Joey. | ||
Joey and I have been friends for 23 years. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Theo, guys that you just genuinely like. | ||
Even the Sober October thing. | ||
The numbers are massive. | ||
It's like a show. | ||
Everybody's a character. | ||
And it's like an old radio play. | ||
Like, here comes fucking Burt Kreischer. | ||
You think he's got something called the Mickey Mantle gene? | ||
What the hell is the Mickey Mantle gene? | ||
Like, everybody's got, like, it's set up, and it's not, like, it's sloppy in a fun way. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And it's cool, and you get to reap all the reward. | ||
All the guys that are responsible for the... | ||
Because the other thing is, this is the first time, certainly in media history, where guys are in charge of their own everything. | ||
Yeah, that's true. | ||
Like, you own the label. | ||
I mean, there's not even a label. | ||
It's just my thing. | ||
Artists tried, like the Beatles had a record label, and they would bring people on, and then they would... | ||
It always got fucked up. | ||
Every single time. | ||
And this, I feel like, is the first time where it's like, Segura's got his umbrella now, he's got his spinoffs, and it's fucking excellent. | ||
It's just excellent. | ||
It's so great... | ||
I was talking to a guy who used to be in charge at Viacom, and we were talking about... | ||
When people do shows now, they'll pay Kenny Barris, they'll pay Shonda Rhimes, they'll pay Dave, Alan, Chris, all these guys, like $20 million. | ||
The writers get $100 million. | ||
Buddy of mine, Mike Schur, created Good Place and Parks and Rec, and he's getting $25 million a year for the next five years. | ||
Jesus Christ. | ||
And his shows aren't hits. | ||
His shows are picked up and successful, but they're not like cheers, right? | ||
Wow. | ||
And I said to Doug Herzog, I go, how much were you fucking guys making before? | ||
What were these companies making 20 years ago? | ||
Like, what was ABC making 20 years ago? | ||
And even Seinfeld said that he's like, I was the first one to get a million an episode. | ||
And I go, which is a pittance compared to what they could have paid you. | ||
And he's like, I know that now, but back then a million dollars in... | ||
What are you even going to do with it? | ||
And now it's like, what are they going to do with it? | ||
What the fuck? | ||
They were making $100 million an episode, but because it's a logo and a corporation, you go, well, that's what a corporation is supposed to make. | ||
$100 million an episode. | ||
Meanwhile, if a guy makes a million, you're like, what are you going to? | ||
It's like this unfathomable thing. | ||
It's like where they get mad at basketball players and not the owners of the teams. | ||
Yeah, and it's also that distribution model of putting something on a network. | ||
There's so much fat. | ||
There's so many people. | ||
There's so many things that you have to pay. | ||
There's so many different places the money goes. | ||
It's almost like you have to make $100 million an episode for everybody to make out. | ||
Yeah, but also... | ||
No, they don't. | ||
But also, they're still taking 90. You know what I mean? | ||
Even with all the revenues, with all the... | ||
All the miles I got to feed, it's still like a huge profit. | ||
But as a writer, don't you think that like investing your time and effort into a sitcom today, it's like, oof, good luck with that. | ||
I don't, dude, like, I just started, we used to do the podcast, made motion to this podcast called The Champs, it was great, and now I just started one like a month ago called How Neil Feel, look for it in your local things. | ||
How Neil Feel? | ||
How Neil Feel, that's the name of the podcast. | ||
Got a theme song and everything. | ||
It's very stupid. | ||
I did a pilot like a year ago for a network, and they gave me notes, and I was like, oh, I forgot about notes. | ||
I forgot that they were going to give me notes. | ||
That was always the thing that me and Dave got to with Comedy Central, and they finally left us alone after like six episodes. | ||
Where I was like, let us show it to the audience and let them decide. | ||
We don't want to bomb. | ||
We want to bomb less than you guys do. | ||
Trust me. | ||
Trust me. | ||
You've never met two people who want to bomb less than me and him. | ||
And so they'd be like, well, we don't. | ||
And they're like, let's show it to the crowd. | ||
If they like it. | ||
Then great. | ||
And if they don't, then... | ||
And we did this real world sketch. | ||
And they didn't. | ||
They were like, we just think it's a bunch of unfunny scenes back to back. | ||
And we were like, let's just show it to the crowd. | ||
And then we showed it killed. | ||
And they were like, alright, we don't know what we're talking about. | ||
They literally said, we don't know what we're talking about. | ||
So do whatever you want. | ||
It's a bunch of unfunny scenes. | ||
unidentified
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I know. | |
What a fucking... | ||
unidentified
|
God! | |
Yeah. | ||
Oh, those people. | ||
But that's the... | ||
I get that they feel like they have to do something. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
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But... | |
We're... | ||
Comedians are willing to, like, all our skins in the game. | ||
It's all of our... | ||
It's our hide every time. | ||
So, why do you feel the need to, like, correct us or... | ||
I don't mind if, like, an executive is, like, the first audience. | ||
Do you know what I mean? | ||
Or, like, hey, your shirt's fucked up. | ||
Whatever. | ||
Like, a minor stuff. | ||
But it's, like, material-wise, most of you are not good at divining what's special about somebody or what's An innovative segment. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
They don't even think about that. | ||
They're ambitious people who are just working their way up a thing, and they're like, is it my turn yet? | ||
Right, exactly. | ||
I get to put my stamp on it now? | ||
Yeah. | ||
They want to add something, even if it's irrelevant. | ||
Like, I had a joke when we were doing Half-Baked, and I'm going two for two with Dave, but we were doing Half-Baked, and I said to Dave, I go, we should do a thing at the end where we should just say, hey, let us do whatever we want, and at the end we'll pass a hat around, and you guys can take credit for something. | ||
Because ultimately, that's what you want. | ||
You want to be able to take credit for something. | ||
Don't fucking make us do it. | ||
I know you just want credit. | ||
That's all you want. | ||
You just want to feel good about yourself. | ||
You want to feel like, I contributed to this thing. | ||
But just let us do the thing. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
And if you're like you, how long have you been doing the podcast? | ||
Almost 10 years. | ||
It'll be 10 years in December. | ||
You're going to do a big network show? | ||
Yeah, I'm going to go on AM radio. | ||
That's hilarious. | ||
I've been thinking about taking over an AM radio station for the day. | ||
That's so funny. | ||
That would be really fucking funny. | ||
I wonder if they'd let me. | ||
But even like in when we used to do it in your house. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
Dude, that was a long time ago. | ||
You were on an episode at least seven years ago. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I did two in your house. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That was back when the kids would be in the background yelling at each other and shit. | ||
You'd hear it in the hallway when they were little. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's crazy. | ||
Number 114. Wow. | ||
Episode 114. So that's two years, a year and a half in? | ||
Yeah, probably. | ||
What is the episode now? | ||
unidentified
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This is 1298. That was 98? | |
No, this is number 1298. No, I was like, when is that? | ||
Podcast didn't start. | ||
1100 episodes ago. | ||
1100 episodes ago. | ||
Yeah, and it's from... | ||
Look at me. | ||
I had a faux hawk. | ||
Look at you, you beautiful bastard. | ||
80% knows. | ||
That was before I realized I should put a beard on, wear a little beard, wear a little scruff. | ||
Podcasts are a very, very strange thing, man. | ||
No one saw this coming, and everyone can start one. | ||
But I don't even think... | ||
You saw it coming. | ||
Do you know what I mean? | ||
I saw it coming. | ||
I didn't see this. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Presidential candidates are on my fucking show. | ||
I got Telsey Gabbard on yesterday. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Running for president. | ||
Yeah, I didn't watch it, but yeah. | ||
She wanted to talk about real issues that affect the world. | ||
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I'm like, okay. | |
Yeah. | ||
It's weird. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And I'm sure, do you feel, I mean, you kind of can't change your ethos. | ||
You can't be like, I'm a role model and I need to. | ||
No. | ||
No, it's not. | ||
No, no. | ||
I'm just gonna be me, you know, and the world's gonna be weirder, but it's just me. | ||
But it's also the thing of, like, when you're in these, like, development TV movie worlds, and you're like, just let me talk. | ||
Just fucking let me... | ||
Like, I promise it'll be interesting. | ||
Like, it won't all be interesting, but it'll be... | ||
Interesting enough. | ||
It'll be interesting enough, often enough, that just let me talk. | ||
Well, I couldn't imagine giving up that reigns to someone now. | ||
Like if all of a sudden we brought in some sort of a producer or a network that's like, look, we're going to take this podcast to the next level. | ||
But you've got to listen to me, Joe. | ||
Yeah, Joe, a couple things. | ||
That episode you did with Elon Musk, one of the great reasons that that show was very successful is the way you were dressed. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I know you don't like to hear this. | ||
We tested it. | ||
Yeah, we tested it. | ||
And it had nothing to do with him being weird and smoking weed and having a fucking, having a flamethrower. | ||
You wore a nice pink shirt. | ||
You wore a nice shirt. | ||
I mean, is there even You could never test whether a podcast is going to be successful. | ||
You couldn't organize it. | ||
It's all word of mouth. | ||
It's just weird fucking... | ||
They like it. | ||
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They like it. | |
Like a conversation like this with you and I. We're actual real friends. | ||
So when we talk, it's very evident. | ||
We have chemistry. | ||
What's known as chemistry. | ||
We like each other. | ||
It's normal. | ||
It's not like, what else? | ||
Right. | ||
So, are you enjoying your time here on this earth? | ||
Well, that's the thing. | ||
Doing... | ||
So, doing this... | ||
And I told... | ||
I remember telling somebody, like, it's like doing The Tonight Show in 78. In terms of, like... | ||
I was in... | ||
Singapore and a guy came to the show who saw me on it. | ||
It's not even worth knowing if you're you. | ||
It's like, fucking, don't worry about it. | ||
Just show up and talk. | ||
I can't pay attention to that. | ||
It'll be paralyzing. | ||
Yeah, but the... | ||
So I'm like, the funny thing is when you do TV, when you do something that's going to be seen or heard by this many people, like a TV show, if I do Seth or The Daily Show, like, I prep. | ||
This, I'm like, fucking... | ||
I don't know. | ||
We talk about, like, so many times I run into you at the store, and we basically have, like, a 10-minute podcast in the hallway. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You know, we just start, and you'll say, have you seen this? | ||
Like, you pull me aside, like, have you ever heard about ketamine? | ||
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|
I'm like, what? | |
And then all of a sudden you're telling me you're taking ketamine sessions. | ||
And that's the thing. | ||
There's no, you can't prep, and it would be odd. | ||
You couldn't explain it to people ten years ago. | ||
Like, it'll just be people sitting and talking. | ||
Comedians are, by nature, pretty entertaining. | ||
At least pretty talkative. | ||
Yeah, at least pretty talkative. | ||
And on the high end, entertaining and funny. | ||
Ari had the worst advice. | ||
He's like, you gotta edit it. | ||
Doing it for an hour. | ||
Just do it one hour and edit it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, alright. | ||
No one's gonna listen in three hours. | ||
Do you know when people turn it off or anything? | ||
Nope. | ||
I know that the average time that someone watches on YouTube, we know that. | ||
Which is like, what? | ||
35 minutes or so. | ||
35 minutes on YouTube, which is a lot. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because the average is like 15 seconds. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
What's a normal average on YouTube? | ||
Three or four minutes, yeah. | ||
For everyone that watches for 10 seconds, there's someone that watches for an hour and a half or three hours. | ||
So the average would be like three or four minutes for a normal channel. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Well, you know... | ||
The difference between something on YouTube and something that's a podcast that you're listening to, though, I think the people that are listening are, I don't want to say this, I don't know if it's really true, but they might be more invested in, like, because they're subscribing to it and they're listening to it in their car on the way to work. | ||
They're listening to it a lot of times when they're at the gym people on YouTube can flip Yes Just decide to go to the next so what's this and that and then they get to you Don't get taken down a rabbit hole with podcast with audio podcast you just listen Yeah, you listen to the whole thing or you go to your one of your other Yeah, whereas YouTube like you could stumble upon this accidentally right now Someone might be stumbling upon this very video right now on YouTube welcome welcome Welcome, fuckface. | ||
Welcome, friend. | ||
The same for you, bitch. | ||
The other thing you forget is how much people fucking drive. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Where they're like, I'm in my car four hours a day. | ||
You're like, what? | ||
What? | ||
And they're like, and you are their friend. | ||
Yeah, that's weird. | ||
Do you know what I mean? | ||
Like, you're there, whether you, it's like you don't know them, but you, they really like you and they feel like they have a connection with you. | ||
Yeah, and all the other people, like you and Theo and Delia, whoever's here, you know, people that come in. | ||
Yeah, and then those people become characters in their little world play as well. | ||
Yeah, like you'll see it in the comments, like, this fucking skinny fuck is, like, literally, like, this skinny fuck is bad. | ||
Do you read the comments? | ||
No, well, the last time I did it, the comments were so bad. | ||
But I didn't even... | ||
You texted me. | ||
I was like, boy, they must be very bad. | ||
Because you were like, we did something right. | ||
Or something. | ||
I was like, well, they must be awful. | ||
And then... | ||
Because I know what they're going to say. | ||
It's like, what do you think I'm dumb? | ||
I'm not a dumb... | ||
You've got to say whatever you think of me. | ||
I'm not dumb. | ||
So I disagree with you politically. | ||
Alright. | ||
See, that's one of the reasons why I bring people on that I don't agree with. | ||
I think it's important to have conversations with people, whether on the left or the right, that you don't agree with, just to find out who they are and what they think. | ||
And just to have discussions with people. | ||
It's also like testing your own feelings about it. | ||
100%. | ||
Just like, okay, no, that's... | ||
Alright, I still feel... | ||
Having heard arguably their best argument or a very cogent argument for their side, and you go, yep, I think that... | ||
I think one of the things that's lost in the world now is because of... | ||
Partially because of the internet or blog or whatever, where you have to be 100% in every belief. | ||
And it's like, I'm not 100% in any belief. | ||
There are some beliefs where I say that I'm 51%, but that still wins. | ||
51% is still the thing I tell you. | ||
Whereas people can't believe... | ||
You either got to be 100% or you're a cuck or you're a fucking stud. | ||
And there's no like, yeah, abortion's a perfect example where we're both like, I'm for it, but it's pretty brutal. | ||
Or it's a severe thing. | ||
Or whatever the but, and you're not allowed to have a but anymore. | ||
You just can't go, I have a measured point of view and I took the vote in my head and it's 70-30. | ||
And you're not And if you change your mind somehow, I know that's bad. | ||
Someone said, well, not just one person. | ||
Many people said, you flip-flop on things. | ||
Like, no, I consider things. | ||
And I changed my perspective. | ||
Yeah, and it's also not... | ||
When politicians do it, it's because it's politically going to work in their favor. | ||
You do it because you've thought more about it, or you heard the right argument at the right time, and you just go, okay. | ||
Yeah, I change my opinions all the time. | ||
I'm not married to those fucking things. | ||
I don't need them. | ||
My opinions are just... | ||
Ideas, in my mind, are something that should be explored. | ||
And there's certain ideas that I just hold steadfast. | ||
Don't rape. | ||
Don't murder people. | ||
Don't steal. | ||
All the obvious ones. | ||
Everybody holds those. | ||
But then when it gets to unusual, weird, slippery things... | ||
I'm like, okay, why is there an inclination to lean towards a certain direction? | ||
Are we virtue signaling? | ||
Are we sending out the flag of tribal obedience? | ||
What are we doing when we're discussing these things? | ||
And a lot of that is what ruins discourse. | ||
And this is what I think I have a real big problem with de-platforming. | ||
When you start de-platforming people and censoring people, you don't just want to not hear them. | ||
You want no one to hear them. | ||
And this is where I have a problem. | ||
It's because... | ||
Who the fuck are you? | ||
Like, why are you the one who gets to say... | ||
Even if they're wrong. | ||
Even if they're wrong. | ||
Let everybody figure out who they're wrong. | ||
It's misinformation. | ||
That's the thing. | ||
It's like Pizzagate or like the Alex Jones thing where it's like, dude, what the fuck are you... | ||
What are you doing? | ||
Pizzagate is a good example, right? | ||
Because people get ramped up in it. | ||
They're like, what? | ||
And there was that guy, Ben Swan, who was a journalist who had all these... | ||
He had this video that he put out that showed all the different connections with Pizzagate and various conspiracies and pedophilia. | ||
And it was a real weird one. | ||
And everybody was like, what? | ||
Just because these things are... | ||
It doesn't mean there's a pedophile ring going on there. | ||
What exactly is happening there? | ||
But then you hear about someone like Jimmy Savile, and you go, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
This guy was fucking kids for how long? | ||
Are there any other ones right now that they haven't exposed? | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
That kind of shit does haunt you. | ||
I think there's a ton of distance between There are pedophiles and there are pedophiles in the pizza place. | ||
In the basement. | ||
I believe there's pedophiles and that they should be stopped and they're mostly... | ||
I don't think none of them are powerful, but I don't think that there is a... | ||
I just don't really buy into conspiracies, just generally. | ||
See, I buy into some. | ||
Because there's some of them that are provable. | ||
There's some of them that really did happen where you go, Jesus Christ, they really did that. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
I mean, like in third world countries where we'll fuck with elections, the shit like that. | ||
Like, that is, yeah. | ||
Like, that's not even a conspiracy. | ||
That's just like a poorly told part of history. | ||
Well, there's things like the Gulf of Tonkin incident. | ||
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
But I think that's... | ||
Well, I think that's... | ||
Yeah. | ||
Do you know about the Operation Northwoods? | ||
Do you know about that one? | ||
I don't know. | ||
That one's probably the most disturbing one. | ||
Because that one was signed by the Joint Chiefs of Staff. | ||
They were going to organize a bunch of attacks on America and blame the Cubans so that we could go to war with Cuba. | ||
They were going to To arm Cuban friendlies and have them attack Guantanamo Bay. | ||
They were going to blow up a jetliner and blame it on Cuba. | ||
They had all these plans. | ||
And it was signed by the Joint Chiefs of Staff and then vetoed by Kennedy. | ||
He was like, what the fuck are you people doing? | ||
Yeah, like, what were you guys doing? | ||
You guys are so crazy. | ||
I went to fucking Hyannisport and I come back. | ||
Come back and you're trying to blow up airplanes. | ||
And the thing is, it's... | ||
This is something that didn't fly but we found out about it. | ||
How many of these things we didn't find out about that actually did happen and that we think are legitimate instances in the news or real attacks? | ||
Yeah, I just think it's a drop in the bucket. | ||
Oh, for sure. | ||
I think it's a drop in the bucket. | ||
I think it's less than 1%. | ||
In comparison to actual events. | ||
Yeah, into actual reality versus... | ||
I agree, yeah. | ||
And so, when people are... | ||
The reason I don't like conspiracy theories is that I think people use it to explain their own failure a lot of the time. | ||
Like, we say it a lot in comedy. | ||
Like, well, you can't make it unless you're a lesbian woman. | ||
Oh, God, that's the worst. | ||
You're like, alright, man, that's not... | ||
unidentified
|
That's the worst. | |
I hate that fucking... | ||
That perspective is so crazy. | ||
It's like, listen, if you're killing, people are going to see you. | ||
If you kill a lot, people are going to see you a lot. | ||
It's that simple. | ||
You can't fake it. | ||
It is a meritocracy. | ||
Yeah, it really is. | ||
There are certainly some quota stuff in the margins, but no one's making it... | ||
No one's doing arenas because of a quote. | ||
You can't pull. | ||
There's nothing you can do to get into arenas. | ||
Yeah, people have to actually like you. | ||
And this excuse-making that people do do as a straight white man, I can't get a break in this town. | ||
Oh my God. | ||
When you're a straight white man and you're complaining, you got one of the most fucking captivating hands of cards. | ||
In world history. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
In the world history in 2019, straight white male. | ||
Still a great hand. | ||
Still a great hand. | ||
You might get beat with a crazy, you know, Nanette. | ||
Yeah. | ||
A Nanette hand. | ||
Take you out at the hamstrings. | ||
Nanette will get you on the river. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, but. | |
Where she, what? | ||
I know, she got number one, but it wasn't even funny. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
Oh, man. | ||
unidentified
|
Anti-comedy? | |
What's anti-comedy? | ||
All right. | ||
My take on Nanette thing, and I haven't even seen it, it's like, do people like it? | ||
Yeah, good. | ||
I saw it live. | ||
Did you like it? | ||
Yeah, I liked it a lot. | ||
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
Where'd you see it? | ||
I saw it in New York. | ||
I saw it before it was on Netflix. | ||
I saw it and met her and was like... | ||
Was she nice? | ||
It was an awkward conversation, I'll say that. | ||
Well, she is a little spectrum-y, right? | ||
She talks about that. | ||
I think that's a fair estimation. | ||
It wasn't easy. | ||
Do you find that when you speak to certain women in particular, you feel almost like you're guilty of something? | ||
Like you're a male? | ||
Like you're an oppressor? | ||
Do you ever feel like that? | ||
Not too many women. | ||
And it could just be a projection. | ||
It could be my own... | ||
It could be... | ||
I'm like auto-projecting. | ||
I'm like... | ||
I definitely do that. | ||
There aren't too many... | ||
But I think you have to work against stereotypes. | ||
You're working against tattoos, built, bald, right-wing podcasters. | ||
Well, cage-fighting commentators, too. | ||
Oh, fuck, I forgot about that. | ||
Jesus, Joe. | ||
Yeah, I'm a monster. | ||
Yeah, so you have a lot. | ||
I'm pretty, you know, a feat. | ||
The way I look is a problem. | ||
What are the odds you're not sexist? | ||
Right, or a dickhead. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, not that good. | ||
Yeah, like, what are the odds? | ||
Like, so, you try... | ||
I mean, I don't feel it too much, but I can imagine... | ||
What percentage of women do you feel like you have to... | ||
Do that with? | ||
The ones who don't know me. | ||
Once they know me, like, I'm pretty, pretty nice. | ||
Like, go to a venue. | ||
You go to the venue that you've never been to. | ||
There's a woman, the backstage, one of the works for Live Nation, or she works at the venue. | ||
Like, does she assume that you're... | ||
Nah, not if they work for Live Nation. | ||
I'm nice to all those folks. | ||
But I think that if someone has a very staunch feminist perspective and they meet someone like me, they might, depending upon their perspective, they might think that I'm the enemy. | ||
That's a possibility, that right away they look at me like the enemy. | ||
Well, that's the thing of like, what are you absolute... | ||
And you can tell sometimes when you're arguing with people that are super dogmatic about whatever they believe in, you can watch them go into a line of... | ||
Logic that they then realize, I can't, because that will, like, seed some ground to this person. | ||
They go, ugh! | ||
And it's like, I saw you start to go down that, like, just a reason... | ||
And I'm not saying stop believing what you believe in. | ||
It's just like, it doesn't have to be 100%. | ||
Exactly. | ||
It's fine. | ||
You can still win the popular vote. | ||
It's just majority rules. | ||
It doesn't have to be overwhelming. | ||
Just don't... | ||
It's dishonest in a way. | ||
Because they don't want to have a chink in their armor, logically. | ||
Yeah, they want to lump people into categories because it's easy to define them, too. | ||
You know, we were goofing yesterday, me and Joe List were goofing around about Alyssa Milano's sex strike that she was proposing. | ||
And I was like, one of the things that's offensive about that is, first of all, that women... | ||
Would agree with you that they would just withhold sex from the person that they love. | ||
Because Alyssa Milano said that. | ||
Because Alyssa Milano said you should withhold sex because in fucking Georgia they're limiting abortion laws. | ||
But the second thing is that you would assume that all men are responsible for this. | ||
Not even just the voters in Georgia, but all men. | ||
A man in Minneapolis should be denied sex from his progressive girlfriend. | ||
Or that he's going to call his friend in Alabama. | ||
Like, man, you better do something, because I'm not getting no pussy up here, bro. | ||
This fucking sex strike is for real. | ||
Bro, this is hitting us. | ||
It's so delusional and such a dumb flag of virtue that they're throwing up. | ||
And it's such stupid 2019 woke politics that that was actually something. | ||
Well, by the way, it's based on Los Estrada, like an old Greek play. | ||
Was it really? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
No shit? | ||
There's a sex strike in an old Greek play? | ||
Yeah, and that's what that movie Chirac was about. | ||
unidentified
|
Really? | |
It was a sex strike in Chicago. | ||
unidentified
|
No kidding. | |
Did that work? | ||
No. | ||
I don't think it's ever... | ||
I don't know. | ||
Will you Google and see if it's ever been done? | ||
I would imagine that girls just use an excuse to not fuck a guy they don't want to fuck. | ||
Well, it's also like... | ||
I'm on a sex strike. | ||
Most of them aren't fucking anyway. | ||
It's like, yeah. | ||
Like, what are you gonna... | ||
It's like Rock had that joke about, like, what are you gonna... | ||
You can't stop... | ||
You're already not fucking me. | ||
Dude, when you hear women talk about not wanting to fuck their husbands, it's like, it's such a depressing... | ||
I was listening to this gal. | ||
She was like, well, you know, most wives don't want to have sex with their husbands. | ||
Like, what? | ||
You listen to that, you're like, ugh. | ||
As a husband, it bumps you out? | ||
Or as a human being? | ||
Humans that are there in a situation. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Well, the thing that people like the most about relationships... | ||
But besides the fact that you love someone, you care for someone, is having sex with somebody who wants to have sex with you. | ||
It's fun. | ||
It's a fun time. | ||
It's very rewarding. | ||
It feels real nice. | ||
Especially if you take a little hit. | ||
You really feel it. | ||
You feel vulnerable. | ||
It feels great. | ||
So when you hear that someone doesn't want that, and their attitude is that most women don't want that. | ||
Most women don't want to have sex with their husband. | ||
They just do it because they have to. | ||
Well, that's also, it's very hard to get a clear story about women and sexuality in that, like, it's, I don't, I think it varies from wildly. | ||
Oh, for sure. | ||
Hasn't it been girls you've dated? | ||
Yeah, even the other day I put a thing on Instagram where I said, how, if you start following a guy, how long do you think he should wait to DM you? | ||
Because as a guy, I'll have girls follow me, and because I just do jokes on there, I'm like, does this girl want to... | ||
I don't want to be like, so you came for the comedy. | ||
Also, dick... | ||
Yeah, that's a weird thing. | ||
I don't want to bum her out if she just came because she thinks I'm funny, but like, yes, but what about fucking me? | ||
Can I introduce you in that? | ||
unidentified
|
What about my penis? | |
Yes. | ||
And of course, the answers were all over the place. | ||
Like, four days, five days, ten minutes, and then I said, but if he's cute, it doesn't matter, and they all wrote, nope. | ||
Yeah, if it's Aquaman, just let them DMs slide around. | ||
I like that you're referencing Aquaman as the paradigm of hotness, because he really is. | ||
He's as good as it gets. | ||
This is what my wife said. | ||
She goes, he's everybody's type. | ||
Yeah, including fish. | ||
Yeah, he's a big, giant, handsome, beautiful man who seems to be extraordinarily kind. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He's got everything going for him. | ||
And like, open. | ||
He dates an older woman that's older than him. | ||
Like, he's got, he exercises. | ||
What does it say? | ||
Furthermore, sex strikes have historically been affected. | ||
I opened this and didn't read it. | ||
As pointed by Chicagoist, in Kenya, the Philippines, Liberia, thanks Nobel Prize winner Lima... | ||
Say that. | ||
G-B-O-W-E. And in Colombia, where women held a 10-day strike in 2006 to end gang fighting. | ||
Wow. | ||
It is a great idea. | ||
It truly is. | ||
If you want to affect change, just get every... | ||
I was saying to somebody last night, we all know every... | ||
Somebody was... | ||
Asking me about cheating. | ||
And I was like, I'm not a cheater, but I was like, every guy... | ||
Does what they do. | ||
Most human achievement is because men wanted to get buildings, electricity. | ||
If you think that scabs are a problem in unions, just trust me. | ||
If you've got a fucking sex truck, them hoes are going to come out of the woodwork. | ||
What am I going to use? | ||
I have no leverage. | ||
This is my main leverage. | ||
But, yeah, it's a great bargaining tool. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
I mean, it is the bargaining. | ||
I mean, in some ways, that's most of the negotiation of a relationship is where girls go, like, women don't control it. | ||
It's like... | ||
They may not control it explicitly, but I know if I do something that's going to get you in a bad mood, you're not going to fuck me. | ||
And legalized prostitution is one of the best ways to combat any kind of sex strike. | ||
And that is one reason why women fucking hate the idea of legalized prostitution. | ||
They don't ever want that to not be negotiable. | ||
They don't ever want you to be able to go, oh, oh, I'm an asshole? | ||
Yeah, I'm going for a drive. | ||
And you go right down to the store. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You go to the sex store, and you pay for a 10, and she's built like Jessica Rabbit, and you bang her, and you have a time of your life. | ||
And then you go home, and your girlfriend's got a little bit of a gut, and her ass is a little saggy, and you're like, I just, no. | ||
You can't tell me what to do anymore. | ||
I spent 80 bucks. | ||
It wasn't that much. | ||
Yeah. | ||
If sex was legal, financially, if it was transactions, sexual transactions... | ||
It is legal in a lot of countries. | ||
Not a lot of countries, but a few countries. | ||
A few. | ||
Enough. | ||
But if it was legal in this country, how much do you think it would shift perceptions? | ||
I don't know, because I was just in Singapore, and apparently it's legal there. | ||
By the way, I went to... | ||
I was in Singapore, did some shows, excellent, and there was a place... | ||
It's called Orchard Road, and it's a mall during the day. | ||
And at night, it becomes a mall for prostitutes. | ||
They have a prostitute mall? | ||
Yes. | ||
It's Orchard Road, and the awful saying for it is four floors of whores, which I hate the word whore. | ||
Why do you hate the word whore? | ||
I don't know. | ||
It just bugs me. | ||
It's like, you whore! | ||
It just feels like dice or something. | ||
You like Hooker? | ||
I don't know. | ||
I like hooker as a term of endearment. | ||
unidentified
|
I like hooker. | |
No, not like that. | ||
Like Barney Miller? | ||
Shut your mouth, hooker. | ||
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
Like a girlfriend who's just joking around about something. | ||
Like, shut your mouth, hooker, and everybody will laugh. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Uh... | |
So, the local guys were going there, and I was like, well, yeah, I'm going to go also, because I want to see this place, because I've read about it. | ||
And there was a restaurant there that they ate in, which is a whole other issue. | ||
But it's literally like a mall, like a shitty mall, not like a Glendale, Galleria, where it's just one of those square ones, where it's like four floors, there's an escalator in the middle, and then there's just basically like... | ||
And there's just prostitutes, hookers as you call them, out... | ||
In the walkway. | ||
Jamie's got a visual for us. | ||
I was trying to find something, but I found a TripAdvisor review of Orchard. | ||
Don't go at night. | ||
Yeah, wow. | ||
Don't go here at nighttime unless you want to be shocked a little. | ||
The whole place turns into countless brothel bars. | ||
I feel like I need to scrub myself after our visit. | ||
I was there about three minutes, and I was like, alright. | ||
Because the thing is, There's a difference between legalized prostitution and anyone wanting to be a prostitute. | ||
They don't want to be. | ||
I mean, they are. | ||
I don't think they're being forced to coerce, but life is coercing them into doing it. | ||
What did you think about the Robert Kraft situation? | ||
Here's what bothered me about that. | ||
Two things bothered me about that. | ||
One, they accused him of being a part of sex trafficking. - Right. - But turns out that wasn't true. | ||
There were just regular girls who wanted to jerk guys off for money. | ||
- Right. - There's no one there-- - Wanted, I think is a big word. - Were willing, did it, voluntarily, whatever. | ||
And they were threatening to release the film footage of him like, So what are you doing? | ||
You're trying to shame him into submission? | ||
And the fact that this guy, even though he's a billionaire, he can't stop that from happening? | ||
Well, the funny thing is the fact that he's a billionaire and still has to go to the fucking drive-thru. | ||
It's like, boy, I wish there was a better system. | ||
There should be a better system. | ||
I think it's going to be robots. | ||
I think sex robots are going to blur the morality line. | ||
I was at a, this is a similar thing about, like, there's no relief anywhere. | ||
I was at a party recently and DiCaprio was there. | ||
And there were a bunch, it was just like a huge, crazy party. | ||
Like, crazy Hollywood party. | ||
Like, the kind I never go to. | ||
Just everyone's there. | ||
And DiCaprio's girl wanted to leave. | ||
And he goes, well, the girls are tired, so I gotta leave the greatest party ever. | ||
Like, he had to leave. | ||
Leonardo DiCaprio, the king of kings. | ||
The girls are tired. | ||
God, how long had they been at the party for? | ||
I don't know, an hour and a half or something. | ||
But there was like a dinner before. | ||
But it was just a funny thing. | ||
Like, oh, okay, so there's no... | ||
It doesn't matter who I am. | ||
You still... | ||
You're at the whim. | ||
When they're done, you gotta go. | ||
Sometimes. | ||
But having said that, we still all do it for some invisible... | ||
Shangri-La. | ||
I bet she would have stayed at the party for Aquaman. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
I bet Aquaman was there. | ||
She would have been like, it's fine. | ||
Let's stay. | ||
Yeah, my feet are open. | ||
I'll take off my shoes. | ||
unidentified
|
Whatever. | |
But yeah, we're still doing it for some primal Like, all the achievements and all that shit. | ||
It's still some... | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, you want to be respected and loved and liked, and you want people to desire you. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
That's part of it, right? | ||
Even if you're not gonna take them up on it. | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
Yeah. | ||
Like, I told an anecdote on Hell Neal Field this week about... | ||
The best compliment I ever got. | ||
I was doing a show in Vegas with two buddies of mine who shall remain nameless. | ||
We get on the elevator at the end. | ||
Woman gets on and goes, can I just say, I'm married, but I would fuck all of you guys. | ||
And it was great. | ||
It's like, oh, we feel accomplished. | ||
We did a great job at the show. | ||
You're attracted to us. | ||
You just happened to be married. | ||
And that's so nothing's ever going to happen. | ||
But thank you for expressing your attraction to us. | ||
I wonder if she was saying, even though I'm married. | ||
No, she was saying it like, just so you know, if I weren't married. | ||
If I wasn't married. | ||
And she didn't mean at the same time either. | ||
She was a little drunk. | ||
She was a little tipsy. | ||
She said some ridiculous shit. | ||
But that's a very nice thing to say. | ||
That's kind of what you want from everyone. | ||
For a guy, yeah. | ||
Like, hey, I would fuck you. | ||
Girls don't want to hear that. | ||
They're like, yeah, thanks. | ||
Yeah, no kidding. | ||
They don't want to hear that. | ||
Everyone wants to, come on. | ||
Hey, how do you like doing a podcast with Bianca? | ||
I love doing it with Bianca. | ||
She's hilarious. | ||
Because she's funny. | ||
Very smart. | ||
Smart, and she's a pain in the ass. | ||
In terms of, like, she is very, like, no. | ||
Like, she has her own logic. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
She has her own belief system, and we just argue it out. | ||
She's more in, like... | ||
And she's also, like, ten different races. | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
So she's pulling from, like, her father's Middle Eastern. | ||
She grew up in Oakland. | ||
Like, she's got a lot of different, like... | ||
She's got Panamanian in her, too. | ||
She's got Panamanian. | ||
She speaks German, I think. | ||
Like, for real. | ||
Like, she speaks... | ||
She's just, like, from all over. | ||
And she's a fun... | ||
She's fun and funny, and she's fun to be funny around. | ||
Is she on How Neil Feel? | ||
Yeah, she's on How Neil Feel. | ||
That's the name of it. | ||
So how often do you guys do it? | ||
Once a week. | ||
Oh, that's cool. | ||
Where do you do it? | ||
Do it literally in my bedroom. | ||
Oh, nice. | ||
Beautiful. | ||
Because that's the only space we have. | ||
That's cool. | ||
But it's like, you know, it works. | ||
How many have you done so far? | ||
Four. | ||
Okay, cool. | ||
Isn't that nice? | ||
The beginning of a podcast? | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's nice. | ||
You can see what it becomes, like low expectations. | ||
You can be like, yeah, we're still starting out. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, I like it. | ||
Have you done any at the store? | ||
No, I literally haven't done... | ||
Any, I don't think. | ||
Maybe I did one in the basement once. | ||
It's a nice little spot, man. | ||
It's cool. | ||
It is kind of a cocoon. | ||
Yeah, it is. | ||
The way they have it set up down there is pretty badass. | ||
And the fact that, wow, we're doing a podcast at the Comedy Store. | ||
It feels kind of historical because that is the thing that brought that place back. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Podcasts brought that place back from the brink and made it the thriving center of comedy. | ||
I think we can all agree that is the center of comedy in the known universe. | ||
unidentified
|
100%. | |
100%. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And that podcast... | ||
Even like Robbie from Netflix is like, podcasts are like the indicator of streams. | ||
Like, you know, it's pretty direct. | ||
Yeah. | ||
The correlation. | ||
And I don't know what Tom would be more popular from Netflix or the podcast. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
They're both pretty fucking popular right now. | |
He's murdering it right now. | ||
His podcast has rabid fans. | ||
Whenever they do these Garth Brooks things, oh my god, Garth Brooks is haunted. | ||
He doesn't know what to do. | ||
He's so trapped by your mom's house fans. | ||
They just won't stop with the memes and the deep fakes with Tom's face over Garth Brooks' body. | ||
I DM'd the deepfake guy. | ||
Yeah? | ||
Because I was like, is it hard? | ||
Because it's terrifying. | ||
Someone said... | ||
Jamie did it. | ||
Jamie used the software to make one with me with Trump's head. | ||
Was it easy? | ||
Very easy. | ||
I was talking to somebody about it, and they said, it bums me out in the way death used to bum me out when I was a little kid. | ||
unidentified
|
It's like, wow! | |
Wow! | ||
But I know what he means! | ||
It's just like, unfathomable, like, oh, this is not good. | ||
This is not good. | ||
I'm the one you made. | ||
Check this out. | ||
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
He said, China is, quote, not competition for us, for the U.S. Look at this. | ||
Are you talking about which vice president? | ||
unidentified
|
I'm sorry, former Vice President Biden. | |
I apologize. | ||
He actually looks like Joey Diaz. | ||
Dude, that looks like me if I was fat and I had a crazy haircut. | ||
That's me. | ||
Everyone's competition. | ||
I view everybody as competition. | ||
That's so good. | ||
How long did it take for real? | ||
I was teaching myself how to do it, really. | ||
This version took... | ||
I let it run overnight because there's a little bit of what the machine learning kind of thing is doing. | ||
The longer you let that run, the better it is is what I've been learning. | ||
So this was just my test of like eight hours maybe, six hours? | ||
But you could have multiples going at once. | ||
Yeah, once I made this version of Joe. | ||
Once you're in the hopper. | ||
The crazy thing is porn. | ||
They're doing that with gals. | ||
I love that you've used the word gals twice. | ||
unidentified
|
I love that word. | |
I love it. | ||
This is a good time to bring this up because I just saw something today, literally, and it has to do with this, and I don't know if this is real, but it sounds scary, and this is where someone's taking this technology into a weird place. | ||
A lady has a Facebook post, that's why I don't believe it, but she said she was with her son, and while she was out of her house, her husband was called Saying that her son was kidnapped. | ||
And that he heard his son's voice saying, like, mommy, help me, help me, help me. | ||
And to give him money. | ||
And the dad was freaking out. | ||
Didn't know what to do. | ||
Couldn't get a hold of him. | ||
And finally did after six minutes. | ||
And she said they couldn't even convince the dad that that wasn't real. | ||
Like after hearing, no, I'm fine. | ||
We're fine. | ||
I'm with him. | ||
But I don't know if this is even real. | ||
How they could do that with the capability now, I'm not sure. | ||
But they might be able to. | ||
Oh, for sure they can do it. | ||
Yeah, you can mod somebody's voice. | ||
I mean, if they can do it with faces, they can do it with audio. | ||
They did it with Tupac at Coachella like five years ago. | ||
That was... | ||
The way he said Coachella is exactly how he would have said it. | ||
And they have that hologram that looks just like him, but like a little more jacked. | ||
Just a little more six-pack-y, like he went to CrossFit in heaven. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Yeah, I totally believe they can do the voice shit. | ||
That was seven years ago for that one. | ||
Wow! | ||
Yeah, they're so close. | ||
Now, even if you go back and watch Game of Thrones, like season one, and what the wolves look like, they look like shit. | ||
Really? | ||
Yeah, they're shitty CGI wolves. | ||
They're a little clunky. | ||
But now they look amazing. | ||
Now it looks like a real fucking wolf. | ||
What is this? | ||
That's Tupac. | ||
Look how jacked he is. | ||
Do you have any idea how many sit-ups you have to do to have a stomach like that? | ||
You gotta be on that Wiz Khalifa type exercise routine. | ||
It's also, you gotta not eat any starch, right? | ||
I mean, any sugars of any kind. | ||
You can't be fucking around with carbs. | ||
Carbs will keep you from being really shredded. | ||
I mean, not all carbs, but either doing a lot of fasting. | ||
You gotta do something to get your body fat down that low. | ||
Because it doesn't matter how many sit-ups you do, right? | ||
It's not gonna... | ||
Well, sit-ups make your ab muscles bigger. | ||
Yeah. | ||
They make them more defined and bigger. | ||
I can see one of mine. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You've got to lose weight. | ||
The only way is losing fat. | ||
unidentified
|
You guys want to see it? | |
No, I'm good. | ||
It's so easy to get fat, too. | ||
I'm so amazed at how easy I can get fat on a vacation. | ||
Like, one week I gain 10 pounds. | ||
If I go on a vacation and I just go drink and eat pasta, 10 pounds in a week. | ||
Well, that's like, you're running such a small margin. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Just in everyday life, where it's like, yeah, if you just eat... | ||
I mean, it's fairly massive, but it's not like... | ||
What do you think it is? | ||
800 calories a day? | ||
No. | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
Extra, I mean. | ||
The extra? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I don't know. | ||
Not with me, man. | ||
I go hard. | ||
When I eat on vacation, drinking and eating. | ||
Like, just the drinking. | ||
When I'm on vacation, I might drink four or five drinks a day. | ||
Maybe more. | ||
Every day. | ||
Do you drink during the day? | ||
If you're on vacation without your kids? | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
Sometimes, no. | ||
No, no. | ||
Not without my kids. | ||
But when my kids are there, I'm hammered. | ||
Yeah, you gotta be. | ||
unidentified
|
I'm just kidding. | |
Yeah, I get that. | ||
No, but if I'm on vacation and I'm out, I might have a drink at the pool or at the beach or wherever I am. | ||
And then at night, if I go to dinner, I might have two or three. | ||
So I might have four or five drinks every fucking day. | ||
That's not a normal day for me. | ||
So that shit's just piling up. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And what are you drinking? | ||
unidentified
|
Whatever. | |
Whatever. | ||
What do we got? | ||
Yeah, if I'm on vacation... | ||
I'm trying to get fucked up. | ||
I'm trying to have a good time. | ||
I'm doing it like it's my job. | ||
And are you... | ||
Does your wife get drunk? | ||
She'll get hammered. | ||
Yeah, that's great. | ||
Not as much as me, though. | ||
I get more drunk than her. | ||
That's fun. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, well, if you don't know where to go and you can just walk to wherever you're supposed to be... | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But ten pounds later, I'm like, you fat fuck, and I'm grabbing my sides. | ||
When I can grab a fistful of meat right where my love handles are, I'm like, Jesus Christ. | ||
Well, because it's so like you fucked up and you just like have a thing that you have a handful of regret. | ||
Yeah, it'd take a whole week to get everything back in line. | ||
By the way, not that long. | ||
I mean, that's not a very long time. | ||
Compared to most people, like at your age, fucking people's metabolism takes them. | ||
People get fat a little bit and then they're done. | ||
Yeah, but I still do the same shit that I did when I was 21. Like in terms of like the amount of working out I do. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I'm still running hills and doing serious kettlebell workouts and martial arts and all that stuff. | ||
At least five days a week. | ||
And you do muscle shit every day or you do groups? | ||
Sometimes I'll do something every day. | ||
I'll do multiple workouts in a day because I have a gym at home. | ||
So I'll get up in the morning and I'll lift and then I'll do yoga and then I'll do something later. | ||
You have to keep going. | ||
When you're 50 years old, your body requires... | ||
You can't have too much slacking. | ||
Because when you slack, if you get out of shape, fuck man, it's hard to get back in shape. | ||
It's hard. | ||
Your body is trying to die. | ||
It's not trying to put muscle on and up your VO2 max. | ||
It's not interested in that. | ||
It's interested in dying. | ||
Gotta trick that bitch. | ||
And continuously working out as he kind of like the main if not only. | ||
I've been cranking the sauna up to 200 degrees because Gabriella Reese told me that Laird Hamilton puts his shit on 220. 220. That's what she said, right? | ||
220. Which is you cook meat at 220 degrees. | ||
That's like, that's fucking hot. | ||
And I was like, there must be some sort of benefit in that. | ||
So I'm like, I'm going to ramp my shit up from 180 to 200. And it made a big difference. | ||
And what's the difference? | ||
First of all, it's way harder to do. | ||
The difference between 160 and 160. I was at a sauna this past weekend at a gym, like a hotel gym. | ||
It was a nice sauna, but it was not hot enough. | ||
It was like 160-ish. | ||
It's just not that hot. | ||
You're sweating, and it's helping. | ||
You're getting heat shock proteins. | ||
It's good for your body. | ||
It reduces inflammation, but not nearly as radically as when you hit 200. 200 is fucking hard to do. | ||
First of all, the wood in the sauna that you're sitting on is hot as fuck. | ||
You need your sweat to cool off the wood, because the wood is like a plank, like a cedar plank that you're cooking a filet of salmon on. | ||
That's what the wood gets like. | ||
How long can you stay in it? | ||
20 minutes. | ||
And those last five minutes are rough. | ||
And how do you deal with the pain? | ||
You don't want to move, right? | ||
So are you just still? | ||
The last five minutes, I get up and I start walking around, actually. | ||
I feel like I have more of a hard time sitting still in the last five minutes. | ||
Yeah, I would think you have to. | ||
Yeah, I distract myself by stretching and moving. | ||
Are you wearing flip-flops or they would melt? | ||
No. | ||
Well, you know what works, though, surprisingly? | ||
AirPods. | ||
Those fucking things don't die out in 200. Your phone would be dead as fuck. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But AirPods keep going. | ||
So if I put my phone just outside the door and I put AirPods on, I can listen to music. | ||
Do you think they're hot to the touch? | ||
Yeah, they're hot. | ||
I feel them. | ||
But they're not breaking down. | ||
They hang in there at 200 degrees. | ||
Good for you, AirPods. | ||
Yeah, they're good, man. | ||
And you feel markedly different. | ||
Yeah, you feel good when you get out of there, man. | ||
Like, all your little aches and pains feel like they get a big bump, like a big reduction in the aches and pains. | ||
And most of your aches and pains are aged and working out? | ||
Yeah, yeah. | ||
Just inflammation in general. | ||
Hey, what age would you be pissed if you died at? | ||
60, would you be pissed? | ||
Do you know what I mean by piss? | ||
Like, fucking, fuck you. | ||
I fucking did all the right shit. | ||
Yeah, I don't know, man. | ||
You know, I just heard John Singleton. | ||
He died at 51. Yeah. | ||
You know, Luke Perry died at 51 or 52. Stroke, both those guys. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Like, fucking, that's me. | ||
That's this age. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Stroke. | ||
William Stevenson, even. | ||
I mean, he was not in good shape, but like... | ||
He wasn't old. | ||
No, no. | ||
Keith Robinson. | ||
Yeah, that one. | ||
How old was Keith when he had his stroke? | ||
unidentified
|
50. Fuck. | |
Fuck. | ||
Yeah, like at what point would you be like, feel ripped off? | ||
Probably right now. | ||
So 60, you would be like... | ||
I beat the shit out of this body, though. | ||
It's amazing this thing works as good as it does. | ||
You know, if I think about my body as like a car that I've been off-roading... | ||
Do you still feel like you're beating the shit out of it, or do you feel like the jiu-jitsu stuff was beating the shit out of it? | ||
Well, I still do that, though. | ||
But I went running in the hills yesterday. | ||
Hard fucking workout yesterday. | ||
How far? | ||
Two miles, but it's super steep. | ||
It's like one stretch is more than a... | ||
It's 200 yards straight up. | ||
It's fucking hard. | ||
It's a hard sprint. | ||
The dog runs ahead and I'm trying to keep up with him. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But you get to the top of these really steep hills, man. | ||
Your legs are on fire. | ||
Your lungs are killing you. | ||
But, man, it makes a difference. | ||
But it's also, are you beating the shit out of your body or are you just doing it right? | ||
I'm strengthening it. | ||
I'm doing it right. | ||
But I am putting a lot of pressure on the joints. | ||
I'm putting a lot of pressure on the muscles. | ||
It's not like doing yoga every day. | ||
I'm doing some pretty heavy-duty stuff. | ||
But... | ||
I feel like if you do it smart and you warm up a lot and you stretch, and I've been pretty diligent about recovery, sauna in a big way, but also I've been getting trigger point muscle release therapy, which is like really hardcore, brutal massage that... | ||
You literally want to cry. | ||
Like this kind of... | ||
Yeah, but like elbows. | ||
This lady fucking puts her elbow in the back of my neck and you're like... | ||
But it makes a big difference, man. | ||
All that stuff. | ||
Cryotherapy. | ||
All that stuff. | ||
Everything's got a little place. | ||
It helps. | ||
But the main thing is consistency. | ||
Like you can't... | ||
You can't take months off. | ||
You can't. | ||
You can't take weeks off. | ||
You can't just eat. | ||
It'll slip away. | ||
Your body wants to do what it's been doing. | ||
Yep. | ||
Like your spirit, whatever. | ||
Whether it's like, you know, whatever the laws that body in motion stays in motion. | ||
But it just does. | ||
It's gonna, like sugar, same thing. | ||
Eat sugar and you're like, we gotta get more sugar. | ||
Don't eat it and four days later you're like... | ||
I feel like variety is really critical too. | ||
I make sure that I get at least one or two days of yoga in, at least one or two days of running, at least one or two days of lifting, at least one or two days of martial arts. | ||
Do a bunch of different shit. | ||
Mix it all up together. | ||
Because if I don't mix it all up together, then there's too much repetitive stress possibility. | ||
If I'm just running every day, I don't think that's wise. | ||
And why don't you do interval training with running? | ||
I do sometimes. | ||
Yeah, I do. | ||
I do a bunch of different shit. | ||
Sometimes I just do hill sprints, and then I slowly go down the hill, I wait till my heart rate gets below 140, and then I sprint back up the hill again. | ||
I mix it up, but the key is consistency. | ||
No matter what you're doing, whether it's yoga or running, you've got to do something almost every day. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I don't do some every day, but I try to do, like, I got a treadmill and now I have a Bowflex. | ||
I'm proud to say I'm a proud owner of a Bowflex. | ||
You're the last guy to buy one. | ||
I know. | ||
You're about to go out of business, but they go, we just got a fucking order from you. | ||
I'm from 1988, bro. | ||
Yeah, my ex-girlfriend's roommate had a Bowflex. | ||
I remember using this going, why in the fuck can I get out of this? | ||
It's big, actually. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Like, it's like, it takes up a lot of space. | ||
Yeah, because it's got a bow. | ||
I didn't even put, yeah, you're right, but the bow. | ||
Bro, come on. | ||
They don't, that only, that's when it, yeah, it does have like a wing. | ||
It is a winged bird. | ||
Does it work? | ||
Yeah, I, yes. | ||
You got a good workout? | ||
I got, I'm getting my gains, bro. | ||
I still have like dumbbells and, you know, other shit, bands. | ||
I tell people, if you really want to work out at home, all you need is a chin-up par. | ||
Everything else you can do on the ground. | ||
You can do bodyweight exercises, you can do... | ||
I gotta say, I don't even think you need a chin-up bar. | ||
I mean, again, you know 10 times more than I know, but I'm saying like, what are you getting from a chin-up bar that you can't get from a push-up or a dip? | ||
Pull-ups. | ||
But I'm saying it's all this, right? | ||
You're getting your back. | ||
You're getting your back. | ||
You're not getting your back much. | ||
You're getting a little bit if you do Hindu push-ups where you sweep down and elevate and then come back up. | ||
You're getting a little bit of your back, but you're really getting your back if you're hanging on to a chin-up bar and you're using your whole body weight. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's what you want. | ||
That is an amazing body weight exercise. | ||
I don't work my back out very much. | ||
Am I fucking myself? | ||
Yeah, for sure. | ||
You have to strengthen that bitch. | ||
To keep the stability in your spinal column. | ||
You want meat. | ||
You want that to be armored. | ||
That's very big. | ||
I have several machines out there that are just designed to keep my back strong. | ||
And you just think it's good. | ||
It's best practice. | ||
Yeah, man. | ||
I do that almost as much as any other kind of exercise. | ||
I do a reverse hyper... | ||
I do a whole series. | ||
The reverse hyper machine, the glutes, the glute machine where you, you know... | ||
I cannot believe how hard glutes are. | ||
Like, it's the hardest... | ||
That's the one after it I'm like... | ||
Fuck, I'm gonna fucking throw up. | ||
It's the fucking worst. | ||
It's hard, yeah. | ||
And you have to even, like, I was talking to a trainer, and she was like, well, you need to, like, activate your glutes. | ||
And then part of me is like, I don't even know what you're talking about. | ||
And then the more research, it's like, our glutes are dead. | ||
As, like, normal people, we don't use our glutes, and they are literally atrophied. | ||
That's why women get so disgusted by a guy's flat ass. | ||
They're like, this motherfucker doesn't even activate his glutes. | ||
unidentified
|
No, but dude, you have to do a ton of shit. | |
You have to do a ton of shit just to... | ||
And she's like, it would take you a couple months to even just get them activated. | ||
And I was like, I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
I just thought it was some trainer shit. | ||
And you have to turn them on. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, you have to, like, do bad. | ||
Like, I do a ton of shit. | ||
I don't even know if I'm doing it right. | ||
They gotta get fired up. | ||
Do you have a trainer? | ||
You gotta get a trainer. | ||
I should get a trainer. | ||
unidentified
|
Come on, man. | |
Yeah. | ||
You gotta cash. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Get yourself a trainer, Neil Brendan. | ||
Yeah, I should. | ||
Plus, it's good because you have to make... | ||
Is this your Bowflex? | ||
No, I wish. | ||
That's the mirror. | ||
Look, if you think I didn't almost buy this, you're out of your mind. | ||
We're working on magnets. | ||
This is the mirror one. | ||
It's like magnet weight something or other. | ||
I've been seeing this online recently. | ||
unidentified
|
I was curious if you've ever heard of it or know if it works well. | |
That's good. | ||
Two chords? | ||
How much resistance? | ||
That's what I want. | ||
The resistance is all internally done just by magnet pressure that you set. | ||
Well, what's the maximum amount of resistance, though? | ||
Because I don't know if you know this, but I'm jacked. | ||
No, yeah, I heard. | ||
How much? | ||
148 pounds? | ||
That's just in the middle. | ||
I think you're probably 200 plus pounds. | ||
I think 148 will take care of most people. | ||
Yeah, and if you're just doing cables, so 148 on each side, is that what it is? | ||
I don't know, literally. | ||
It's new, and I was just curious if you had seen anything since you guys were talking about this. | ||
No, that looks badass. | ||
So the mirror is showing you your form? | ||
Your form versus video. | ||
It's like a screen. | ||
Form versus, like, are you doing it correctly? | ||
Oh, look at that! | ||
And they tell you what to do. | ||
And it goes up and down, and it fits on the wall. | ||
Is that a gimmick? | ||
That's what I'm wondering. | ||
Is there any reviews of that? | ||
It's like brand new. | ||
I don't even know if it's going to happen. | ||
The reviews are all pretty strong. | ||
Like, as you're saying, it all comes down to, are you going to do it? | ||
Yeah. | ||
If you do it every day, it's fucking great. | ||
Right. | ||
Most people won't do it every day. | ||
Yep. | ||
Because it's... | ||
You've got to write it down. | ||
Every day I brush my teeth. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So do that too. | ||
But it takes longer. | ||
I meditate twice a day. | ||
Twice a day? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Really? | ||
20. 20 each. | ||
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
TM. Interesting. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So how does that work? | ||
What do you do? | ||
Sit down, set the timer for 20, and close my eyes and repeat the mantra. | ||
What's your mantra? | ||
I can't tell you, bro. | ||
Suck a cock. | ||
Suck a cock. | ||
And it... | ||
I think it works. | ||
I think I need less sleep as a result. | ||
Really? | ||
Since I've started. | ||
I started like a year and a half ago, and I've needed significantly less sleep from before. | ||
And I don't know, again, because it's impossible to know what's doing what. | ||
What are the benefits in terms of clarity and stuff? | ||
I don't, again, I don't know. | ||
I think they're good, but I can't say, like, well, I was writing 4.3 jokes a month before, and now I write 4.8. | ||
Like, I don't, there's no direct correlation. | ||
I am happy with my output, but, like, hmm. | ||
Isn't that funny that, like, to an average person, they'd be like, wait, wait, wait, wait, four point, you're joking, right? | ||
No. | ||
No, if I get four great jokes a month, that's an amazing month. | ||
Yeah, well, it's like that, I was going to bring it up when you were talking about deer hunting. | ||
Yeah, right. | ||
Similar. | ||
Yeah, if you see the special, thought of it all at once on the special. | ||
You had a great line about writing, like writing in a notebook or on your phone, that it's like a net to catch ideas. | ||
Yeah, that really is. | ||
I thought about that. | ||
I was like, that is a great way to put it. | ||
Yeah, like here, put it on the thing and then you can look back. | ||
You ever have an idea, write it down. | ||
And then three days later looking, you're like, that's fucking funny. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
You're funny. | ||
Well, that's why you got to throw a lot of shit against the wall. | ||
I have pages and pages of stuff that I review, like late night rambles, that I label them late night rambles. | ||
Because I write a lot of times at night after the store. | ||
By yourself? | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
Everyone's asleep. | ||
I'm high. | ||
I just sit in front of the computer. | ||
And is it like you have a germ from the day? | ||
I have, sometimes, but I have one hour that I have to write. | ||
So there's one hour in front of that computer. | ||
And I give myself that one hour, and then after that I can watch YouTube videos, Netflix, whatever. | ||
But I have to get that one hour in. | ||
And, man, there's been many times where I'm sitting there staring at that fucking computer for 20 minutes, and then... | ||
I got an idea. | ||
I'm like, oh my god, there's something. | ||
And then the next day I do that on stage. | ||
Boom! | ||
It gets a laugh. | ||
I'm like, fuck yeah! | ||
That reward for the tediousness. | ||
Just getting through the sitting in front, staring at the blank screen, staring at some fucking weird notes. | ||
You're not even sure if they mean anything. | ||
Trying to find some old shit where there's just a spark of an ember. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
That can blow on and turn into a fire. | ||
Or, like, I had a joke that I was trying, and I was like, I know it's good. | ||
I just have to come up with the right thing. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And then I tried a couple of things. | ||
The first couple times, you fuck it up. | ||
You don't say it right. | ||
It is the tedious and the mild embarrassment of just, like, trying and failing. | ||
Oof. | ||
But having an idea... | ||
Writing it down, doing it on stage is, to me, the most rewarding thing I can think of. | ||
It's one of the most rewarding things in all of life. | ||
Yeah, I mean, honestly. | ||
And I don't say that like, I just mean like, living a life, that is the thing. | ||
And it's not, that's the one that's not really about women or not about, that's more like spiritual. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's like about like... | ||
I don't know. | ||
Yeah, and like, you... | ||
It goes through your filter. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And you're like, no one ever thought of that? | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
No one fucking ever thought of that. | ||
Right, right, right. | ||
Fuck, that's fucking crazy. | ||
Those are the best ones. | ||
You're like, how did I catch this? | ||
Yeah, like, how? | ||
What? | ||
Thank you. | ||
Thank you. | ||
How often do you write on stage? | ||
How often do you ad-lib on stage? | ||
Very rarely. | ||
Really? | ||
You see, I come up with my sheets. | ||
unidentified
|
Yep, yep, yep. | |
But I have a new joke show every Tuesday in Santa Monica, so I'll go up and do as much new shit as I have and mix it in with my... | ||
I mean, you know that when you have a hunk, then you'll put like... | ||
I can put that part in there, so you kind of have to do some old jokes that fit in the new part. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And, but my, I'm like, I usually am like, if I write four jokes, one of them will work. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, and I just like, yep. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
Four jokes, one of them will have something. | ||
And then sometimes the other ones, you're like, man, I don't know if you're alive or not. | ||
I gotta stare at you for a little bit. | ||
I gotta try to figure out a way to bring you to life. | ||
Yeah. | ||
This might be something there. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Maybe missing it on the first pass, set it aside for a couple weeks. | ||
Or you ever have a premise and years later you'll figure it out? | ||
Oh, years later. | ||
A decade. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And you're like, oh, fuck. | ||
And you just know how to do it now. | ||
Maybe you have a bit that you did that taught you about something else or some other aspect of writing a bit. | ||
And you couldn't explain it to someone who doesn't do it. | ||
No. | ||
It's kind of not... | ||
I mean, maybe athletes a little bit where it's like they figure the game out in a different way. | ||
But it's so private. | ||
And it's so... | ||
And that's the thing. | ||
I was talking to somebody about this. | ||
Like, How many funny people are there in the world? | ||
There's a lot of funny people. | ||
But how many of them are stand-up funny? | ||
If they could just go on stage and make a room full of people laugh. | ||
That's a hard one. | ||
A couple hundred, if you're being generous? | ||
If you're going to be really generous, how many real, legit, professional comedians that you and I respect? | ||
Maybe 200. And there's 7 billion people in the world? | ||
And that's the rare... | ||
And as much as comedy is like... | ||
Deified in ways that are sort of goofy now. | ||
It's still like, no! | ||
This is all... | ||
We do everything. | ||
It's fucking interesting. | ||
And especially now, the way the culture is, we're the only people speaking freely in public, or at least in an organized way. | ||
In this format as well. | ||
Podcast and stand-up. | ||
Those are the only two things. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I mean, everything else right now is compromised. | ||
It seems like it. | ||
Yeah, and then everybody else feels at work, you can't really talk freely. | ||
At home, in relationships, there's like, and it's not like we're just talking extemporaneously. | ||
Like, I don't even know where I'm going, but I don't fucking know what's going to happen at the end of this sentence. | ||
And that's the thing that's so riveting about it, is no one else is doing it. | ||
And there's only a few hundred people that can do it well. | ||
Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
It's also riveting, too, the creation of these little things that you come up with. | ||
If you keep going, eventually there'll be a special. | ||
Eventually it'll be something you actually can record. | ||
And there's this thought, like, I'm onto something. | ||
I'm piecing this little puzzle together. | ||
And not even knowing. | ||
Someone said, like, so how do you come up with it? | ||
And I was like, I don't even know what I mean. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
When I start and then I write the jokes, I'm like, oh, I see what I was doing or going through. | ||
Do you sometimes rewrite a bit, like write a bit and then rewrite it from a different angle? | ||
I mean, there's obviously like threads of like, like you just do the inverse. | ||
Sometimes I take a bit when it's already done and I say, okay, let me put that aside. | ||
I know it's done. | ||
I know it works. | ||
Let me approach the subject from a completely different angle now. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Let me approach the subject as a hater. | ||
Well, couldn't you do... | ||
You end up probably doing both of them, right? | ||
Like, a lot of your feminism shit, the thing you were closing with, felt like you'd written half and then were like, well... | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
And now, my own rebuttal. | ||
Well, I wanted to rebut myself. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And I also wanted to shit on myself so hard that by the time I got to shitting on the feminists, like, it worked. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, that's another thing where it's like, if you couch, you can say anything as long as you preface it with, like, I'm not a monster, just know that I'm not a monster. | ||
Of course, yeah. | ||
But some of these bitches are. | ||
Or some of these whoever's are. | ||
Like, I'm not a total piece of shit, but let's talk about that. | ||
Yeah, that's the... | ||
I'm thankful that I just thought of another, like, frame for a... | ||
Like, I did the three mics thing. | ||
No, I did it for Netflix. | ||
So I thought of that frame as, like, three microphones on stage. | ||
And I just thought of another... | ||
It's not, like, a structural thing, but it's a way to do a show. | ||
And... | ||
My first thought was, fucking thank God. | ||
Meaning, you don't want to be like, you don't want to do a premise-y show every time, because I did three mics, then I did a half hour on Netflix New Year's Day, the comedians of the world thing that Dele and Swartzen did too, and now I'm like, I would like to do a kind of, not one-man show, we think, just not a maudlin version, but like, A way to do jokes that are more... | ||
It's like jokes, but also if you can thread something else in it. | ||
It's like, do you see that? | ||
There was a girl on Siren Live, I think it was Halsey, who sang a song and fucking painted at the same time. | ||
She painted a painting during the song. | ||
And I was like, wow! | ||
Wow. | ||
See if you can bring it up. | ||
What was the song? | ||
We can't play it. | ||
It was the second song on Siren Live. | ||
Yeah, if we play it, we'll definitely get the boot. | ||
YouTube is brutal with their copyright shit. | ||
It's brutal. | ||
I mean, good and bad. | ||
Well, it's good and bad, yeah, but it's very easy for someone to claim copyright off of just to play a clip, and next thing you know, your video gets taken down. | ||
You can't stream. | ||
So a part of me is like, you know. | ||
This is it right here? | ||
So she's singing? | ||
She's singing and painting. | ||
And she's hot. | ||
And by the way, great looking. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Okay, she's got a lot going on and she's barefoot. | ||
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
Yeah, she's barefoot. | ||
I mean, is it amazing? | ||
No, but it's fucking amazing for singing. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's better than I can do not singing. | ||
unidentified
|
I bet she's quite a character. | |
That felt loaded. | ||
That setup felt loaded, Joe. | ||
That's what I do. | ||
Yeah, so I thought of another premise, so I'm excited about that. | ||
That's awesome. | ||
When do you think you're going to film? | ||
unidentified
|
Your last one, three mics, was how long ago? | |
I've kind of written it out, but I'm going to probably do it in New York. | ||
I did three mics where I did it sort of off-Broadway and Oh, okay. | ||
So when you do something like that, will you do like a long run and then film at the end of the run? | ||
Yeah, I basically did three mics at it for like two months, four nights a week. | ||
Oh, wow. | ||
And you did it all in New York? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Oh, cool. | ||
Where'd you do it? | ||
Some theater like on the lower east side where Birbigli does his and then... | ||
And it was cool. | ||
It's cool to just, like, have to do an hour every night. | ||
It's a cool... | ||
Like, oh, I'm going to do an hour, and I'm in the same town. | ||
That is cool. | ||
And I'm doing an hour every night. | ||
And you're doing essentially, like, a play, almost. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
Like, it was an emotional... | ||
There was a, it was a, like an emotional fucking, I talk about emotional shit. | ||
This will be less emotional, it'll be less wrenching emotionally. | ||
If people saw three mics, like it's fucking pretty gut-wrenching, but this will be less gut-wrenching. | ||
But you have a premise that's exciting to you. | ||
Yeah, which is fucking, you know, that's like fucking excellent. | ||
And it's also the only thing that like, it's like, well, are you going to make money? | ||
I don't know. | ||
I don't care. | ||
It doesn't matter. | ||
It's like not even a consideration. | ||
Yeah, it seems like you're wasting your time thinking about that because all that really matters is do you enjoy doing it? | ||
Does the audience enjoy it? | ||
All that other stuff comes out of that, right? | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
And if you enjoy it, they're probably going to enjoy it too. | ||
Yeah, and even the thing where people go like, so what are you doing? | ||
And you're like, you can say you're doing the podcast, or you have UFCs that go like... | ||
Oh, you have to have something that you're working on, otherwise you feel like you're not doing anything. | ||
I'm doing an hour comedy special for a huge streaming service that's going to broadcast fucking everywhere in the world. | ||
What are you doing? | ||
unidentified
|
That's it? | |
That's how you're doing? | ||
And you're like, this is what I'm doing. | ||
It doesn't... | ||
It's not time-consuming visibly day-to-day, but, like, it's consuming emotional, like, thinking about it. | ||
What's your take on what's going on with Louis? | ||
Like, what he's trying to do with stopping people from quoting his bits? | ||
The quoting... | ||
I mean, I think he's just trying to stop people from writing... | ||
Leaking his shit. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Which was his own fault, because he just didn't have the bag. | ||
He didn't have the underbag. | ||
Like, he could have, and was like, eh, it'll be fine. | ||
What's the worst that can happen? | ||
What? | ||
Louie! | ||
So now he's doing everything. | ||
He's got the yonder bags, he's doing small clubs, and he also has a sign that he puts up saying that if you leak any of the material, that they have legal repercussions. | ||
Good! | ||
I mean, why should... | ||
It's a spoiler. | ||
It's like a fucking... | ||
But it's worse than a spoiler. | ||
Yeah, it is worse than a spoiler. | ||
Because every joke is its own movie. | ||
Right. | ||
It's got its own little surprise. | ||
Yeah, to exaggerate about it. | ||
But it's like, yeah, it's a huge... | ||
That's a huge problem, and it's also... | ||
It goes to that 11-year-old girl thing, where it's like... | ||
Yeah, when you have 11-year-old daughters, man, it's like you get a... | ||
Oh, now I see how people are thinking. | ||
Thinking like little kids. | ||
And how would you describe it? | ||
Like sort of like simplistic? | ||
Yeah, looking for something to be naughty. | ||
Someone to do something bad. | ||
What did he do? | ||
What did she do? | ||
What are they doing? | ||
We'll tell you right after the break. | ||
And you're like, oh. | ||
I can't wait. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But I don't, I mean, Louie's a hilarious dude. | ||
And I hope, I'm interested to see what happens. | ||
I think he's going to come out with a motherfucker of an hour. | ||
That's what I think. | ||
I think he's constantly touring. | ||
He's on the road all the time doing this. | ||
I know he's not doing it just for money, because he's only doing these little tiny places. | ||
He's doing Zany's in Chicago right now, or Zany's in Nashville right now. | ||
He's gonna come out with a motherfucker of a special and re-cement his position and I think there's gonna be people that are still mad at him no matter what. | ||
I don't think that you can please most of the people that are mad at him. | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
Meaning, and I don't, I just think it's like... | ||
They're not reasonable. | ||
It's more fun to not forgive him. | ||
Yeah, it's ideological. | ||
It feels better to not forgive him. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
Fuck him. | ||
Yeah, I get it. | ||
I get their perspective. | ||
But for everybody else, we're going to get treated to a monster hour. | ||
That's what I think. | ||
I hope. | ||
When he's all done, I think it's probably going to be his best hour ever. | ||
I listened to the leaked one. | ||
Yeah, it was good. | ||
Yeah, it was good. | ||
Ten months out, man. | ||
No comedy at all for ten months, and then he starts doing it again, and there's, you know, some bits in there that would have been great if they didn't get leaked. | ||
The thing about, what are you going to do, cancel my birthday, is so fucking funny. | ||
It's like, he's so fucking funny, it's bananas. | ||
Yeah, because my life is over. | ||
Cancel my birthday? | ||
So goddamn funny. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, like, you know, he's a fucking hilarious dude. | ||
Yeah, that's the front of the line. | ||
I mean, when it comes to comedy and political correctness and the pushback, that's the front of the line for the pushback, is stand-up. | ||
Nightclub stand-up. | ||
The stuff that you and I both do. | ||
We say a bunch of fucked up things and happen to also be funny. | ||
And you're doing it in front of live crowds. | ||
I said on stage the other night, they're going to a strip club and complaining about cellulite. | ||
That's what it feels like. | ||
We say a ton of shit. | ||
Some of it doesn't work. | ||
Some of it doesn't work because it doesn't cross the comedy barrier. | ||
Some of it doesn't work because it's ideologically fucked up, but you don't know it until you say it. | ||
Many great bits that you love are fucked up to someone. | ||
To someone. | ||
Or you have to figure out a way to make them work. | ||
Like Chris Rock's bit about the difference between black people and the N-word. | ||
That bit, he said, bombed for a long time before he figured out how to make it work. | ||
It bombed shortly before he did it on his HBO show. | ||
It's crazy! | ||
It's crazy! | ||
It's great, but he knew. | ||
He's like, God damn it, there's something in this. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And also, it is... | ||
Fucked up. | ||
It is a fucked up, like, it's fucked up, you can weaponize that joke. | ||
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
A lot of white people did. | ||
Right. | ||
Like, a lot of racist white people were like, I told you, I've been saying that in my car for years. | ||
Exactly. | ||
But at the same time, you can't worry about that. | ||
Like, I was talking to, I did a thing on the podcast where I was saying, like, I don't understand the problem with Jordan Peterson. | ||
And you and I have talked about this at the club. | ||
Like, And people email me and they said, well, people use Jordan... | ||
Right-wing people use him as an example of... | ||
I'm like, that's not his problem. | ||
And he promotes... | ||
Someone said he promotes an all-meat diet. | ||
No, he doesn't. | ||
He said he does it, but he didn't promote it. | ||
He didn't make a commercial about the shit. | ||
You can't worry about how someone... | ||
Again, this goes to a point, how someone interprets your art. | ||
There's too many interpretations. | ||
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
And also, by the way, then throw away Taxi Driver and the Salinger book, Catching the Rye, because that's responsible for killing Lennon, shooting Reagan. | ||
like it's just like okay well so these fucking dummies use it as their thing right so now I can't enjoy it no like dude go fuck yourself yeah there's too many interpretations there's too many perspectives there's too many people you just have to be a reasonable person be nice do your shit do your best and you know look we work together all the time man people are laughing yeah people are having a good time yeah like and and it's not it's also like what's your intention yeah | ||
Our intention is to create, right? | ||
Our intention is to come up with funny things. | ||
And like me, as a person who enjoys stand-up, I like sitting in the back of the OR and watching someone kill. | ||
I fucking love it. | ||
It's the best. | ||
I told somebody, like, I'm a gym rat, but for comedy clubs. | ||
Yeah, yeah. | ||
I've been seeing you for 27 years. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Just hanging out. | ||
Like, me and Chappelle were in Vegas, and some kid was like, what are you... | ||
He was a chef at this place, Yellowtail, and... | ||
And he was just saying, like, being a chef, you just fucking have to cook for 12, 10 years. | ||
10, 12 years. | ||
Just, like, it's hard and shitty. | ||
I was like, I've known him for 28 years. | ||
He's been going to clubs for 33 years. | ||
Like, that's the only thing that... | ||
It just makes sense. | ||
It's fair and... | ||
It's like, it's an economy that you understand. | ||
If the idea is good enough, you will get this response. | ||
And there's not really politics. | ||
There's preferences, but there's not like, you know, like, oh, have him. | ||
Although the fact that you got banned from the store is hilarious. | ||
That is like from a movie. | ||
Like, we'll ban. | ||
We have to ban one of them. | ||
And you won in the end, as it were. | ||
But... | ||
But it is a fair thing, and it is, like, the only... | ||
People... | ||
As Rock says, we're like X-Men, where it's like, they're always mad at the X-Men. | ||
They're always mad at the X-Men, but, like, you still like the X-Men. | ||
You're mad. | ||
You're mad at Louis, but... | ||
But if he went on stage on a Wednesday night, the place would go crazy. | ||
Yes! | ||
If he walked on stage, they would stand up and give him a standing ovation. | ||
Yes! | ||
And there's also... | ||
It's almost that corporate thing where it's like, if Chinese slaves are making phones... | ||
Did they make this one? | ||
unidentified
|
Right. | |
Like, this one... | ||
Whereas with Louis, it's like, this one guy is responsible for all institutional sexism. | ||
It's like, no, he's not. | ||
He's a fucking... | ||
He just was dumb, and he handled... | ||
He was dumb from beginning to end about it. | ||
And he'll tell you. | ||
Yes. | ||
He was fucked. | ||
He just fucked up, and it was stupid. | ||
But he doesn't have to take the fall, you know, forever. | ||
- Forever, yeah. | ||
- He is valuable. | ||
- Yeah. | ||
- He's valuable to our culture. | ||
He creates a lot of, I don't think of stand-up this way where it's like you create joy for people. | ||
I never think of it that way. | ||
But he did create a lot of thought and joy. | ||
He's responsible for a lot of positive shit. | ||
I mean, that is what the art form is. | ||
You're literally changing a person's state. | ||
And as an audience member, I still love it. | ||
And that was a struggle for me early on because I was jealous. | ||
I could see people doing well and I wasn't doing well. | ||
I was like, God, I wish I was doing that. | ||
I wish I wrote that joke. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I wish I was doing that show. | ||
I wish I was... | ||
And then I realized, like, oh, this is, like, totally unproductive. | ||
Like, the opposite of productive. | ||
It's negative. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It can be activating in terms of, like, if you turn it into, well, then work harder. | ||
Right. | ||
Well, but the problem is, like, I wish I did that. | ||
Like, that part of it is no good. | ||
Or, God, why does he have to get this? | ||
That part of it is no positive to that. | ||
But what is positive, you watch someone kill go, God damn, he's funny. | ||
I gotta go to work. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's good, but the hate part... | ||
Yeah, like, taking it out on him is like... | ||
Bad instinct. | ||
Yeah, it's not, it's counterproductive for sure. | ||
But it's really common. | ||
I think it's, then 11-year-old, it's, that's your first, that's the easy reaction. | ||
Like, bleh! | ||
Yes, yes, yes. | ||
The 11-year-old reaction. | ||
And then it's like, okay, but what am I, what's underneath it? | ||
What's underneath it is like respect and respect. | ||
And then there's certain people that it's like, I've never hated Brian Regan. | ||
Do you know what I mean? | ||
He's too nice. | ||
Everyone loves him. | ||
Yeah, and he's fucking hilarious in a way that's just like, I don't know, this fucking dude, this dude's funny. | ||
He's so funny and so clean. | ||
You could take your grandma to see him and never worry for a second. | ||
Like, oh, where's he going with this? | ||
Grandma gets sensitive. | ||
Oh, fuck, I gotta get a drink. | ||
Yeah, he's just, he's one of those rare cats like Gaffigan that figured out a way to make clean just as funny. | ||
Sebastian, too, though. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Like, Sebastian, I always forget he's clean. | ||
And Nate Bargazzi's now, like, getting into that area where he's, like, clean, southern accent. | ||
Like, it's a big, it's like, it's a good place to be, but he's fucking so funny. | ||
If you're naturally inclined to do that. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, if, yeah, if you're forcing yourself to do it. | ||
But, uh... | ||
Yeah, I think that there's a ton of value in stand-up. | ||
I mean, it seems so obvious, but it's like... | ||
And I think Netflix must... | ||
There must be some metric at Netflix where... | ||
At a certain point, they're losing a ton of programming, meaning all of their shit's licensed. | ||
Disney's taking all their shit back in a year or two. | ||
All of these places are starting their own apps. | ||
And I think they realize a lot of Netflix is stand-up and documentaries. | ||
And I think they can never monetize it in terms of... | ||
The Ali Wong special begat this much money, but if it cost them $500,000 to get Ali Wong's first special, including everything, They made a lot of money. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
Millions of people watched it. | ||
And as well they should. | ||
It's just the coolest thing I can imagine. | ||
I agree. | ||
Being a comedian is the coolest thing in the world. | ||
That's why you're good at it though, man. | ||
To have that appreciation and respect for something that you enjoy doing that is actually your It's your occupation. | ||
I mean, it's a beautiful thing. | ||
We're really, really fortunate. | ||
Yeah, and the gifts that we get, you know what I mean? | ||
And it's all from comedy. | ||
Glasses, shoes, car. | ||
Everything you're doing. | ||
Yeah, basically. | ||
Like, every single thing is from just a personality part. | ||
unidentified
|
Imagination. | |
Yeah. | ||
Creativity. | ||
Work. | ||
Grinding, too. | ||
I like grinding. | ||
I really do it. | ||
When I'm doing three, four shows a night, I get a kick out of it. | ||
I'm like, here we go. | ||
This is how things get good. | ||
Work a joke out. | ||
The best. | ||
That's how they come alive. | ||
I've got to wrap this up, man, Brendan. | ||
Tell people your podcast, How Neil Feel. | ||
Go find it. | ||
It's on good. | ||
It's on fucking all the tunes. | ||
I am excited that you're doing it with her. | ||
She's very cool. | ||
Yeah, it's great. | ||
We've got good chemistry. | ||
And it's iTunes everywhere. | ||
So go check it out. | ||
It's just me. | ||
It's like this, except... | ||
It's like this. | ||
Yeah, it's like this. | ||
Except there's a higher pitched voice disagreeing with you. | ||
Not much higher, Joe. | ||
Yeah, it's kind of high, right? |