May 8, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:05:40
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Boom! | ||
| And we're live! | ||
| Chito Santino, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Come you with the hot ones. | ||
| Hello, sir. | ||
| How are you? | ||
| What's going on, Big Daddy? | ||
| Good, brother. | ||
| Just played a little bit of pool and lost a game. | ||
| And lost one illegitimately. | ||
| You won one illegitimately, you mean? | ||
| You lost one illegitimately. | ||
| I won one, yeah. | ||
| Scratching is not a good way to win. | ||
| I scratched on the eight ball, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| It is the way to win. | ||
| It happens, even to the best. | ||
| But it's a real way to win. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
|
unidentified
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You must control the cue ball. | |
| I have no balance over any of that stuff whatsoever. | ||
| I know there's those little red dots on there. | ||
| It means nothing to me. | ||
| Those little red dots, they call that the measles cue ball. | ||
| And that cue ball, they develop for television so that you can watch the ball spin, so you know what kind of English the guy puts on the ball. | ||
| That has nothing to do with the person that's shooting whatsoever. | ||
| It does. | ||
| It's a very controversial ball if you really want to get into it. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Because it has a different reaction than a red circle cue ball or a red dot cue ball. | ||
| Those are the preferred cue balls of a lot of players. | ||
| But the measles cue ball is just maybe the tiniest bit heavier or the surface is different or something. | ||
| But it's still legal. | ||
| People use it in tournaments? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But some players got angry when they came up with it. | ||
| They didn't like it. | ||
| They liked the old cue ball. | ||
| That's how precise the reactions are. | ||
| Right. | ||
| When you get to the very top level of pool players. | ||
| Well, it's kind of like golf balls. | ||
| When people think golf balls don't mean anything to golfers, they do. | ||
| Oh, I'm sure. | ||
| The feel is... | ||
| So there's a lot of softer golf balls. | ||
| Like a lot of people like Titleist makes Pro V1s or Pro V1Xs. | ||
| Harder or softer. | ||
| The average Joe who's full of shit, who's like, I like Pro V1X. It doesn't mean anything to him. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Some guy that's like a 15 or 20 handicap, it means nothing. | ||
| A guy that's like a scratch golfer, like a pro pool player, it makes all the difference. | ||
| How it comes off the face, how it spins. | ||
| There's a thing called a mud ball. | ||
| If it's buried in mud, it reacts differently the moment it comes off the face. | ||
| Because it has mud on it. | ||
| Yeah, but it's just even a little bit, right? | ||
| Oh yeah, that makes sense. | ||
| Even the tiniest bit. | ||
| That weight. | ||
| The thing that's impressive about golfers, too, is they play with a bunch of different weights of clubs. | ||
| Like a pool player basically uses one cue and maybe one cue to break with. | ||
| And some players even break with their playing cue. | ||
| But you don't have a bunch of different cues for a bunch of different shots, usually. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, that's because the distance is... | ||
| Well, just get used to the feel of one cue. | ||
| So when a player changes cues, like say if you go from a... | ||
| 18-ounce cue to a 21-ounce cue. | ||
| There's a big difference in the way it hits the ball. | ||
| It drives through the ball different. | ||
| You have to make the cue do more of the work with a heavy cue. | ||
| Do you think it mentally changes the way you strike it? | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| It fucks in people's heads. | ||
| That's what's so impressive about golfers. | ||
| They've got all these different weights. | ||
| Everything's different shaped. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| There's a guy... | ||
| I think his name is Bryson DeChambeau. | ||
| I think that's the golfer. | ||
| All his clubs are cut to the same length, which is really rare. | ||
| Nobody does that. | ||
| Almost every club set you get is all different length clubs. | ||
| People did it years and years ago, but he's one of the only guys on tour that now cuts his clubs to the same length because he mentally wants to have the same exact stance over the ball no matter the shot. | ||
| It's pretty smart. | ||
| I mean, it's a cool, interesting concept. | ||
| A lot of golfers don't know how to adjust that much. | ||
| I don't know jack shit about golf, but there's guys with weird strokes in pool. | ||
| There's guys with weird technique in boxing, and it still works. | ||
| There's people that do shit different. | ||
| I don't think there's any right way in sports. | ||
| Some of the ugliest shots in basketball tend to be some of the most fun to watch, and sometimes they're really good. | ||
| The classic Ray Allen basketball stroke is probably the most beautiful jump shot compared to him and Jordan, but there are guys that have terrible looking shots, but they're fucking phenomenal. | ||
| It's just consistency and their inner balance over the timing that they have and the release that they have. | ||
| That's got to be the same thing in every sport. | ||
| Pool, same shit. | ||
| For sure in boxing too. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| You know, in boxing, it used to be thought that you pretty much, you know, if you went to a good trainer, they would teach you to keep your hands up. | ||
| That was always the way to box. | ||
| But then you get to a level of like a Tommy Hearns. | ||
| Remember the way Tommy Hearns used to fight? | ||
| He used to keep his left hand low, really low. | ||
| Yeah, down at his side. | ||
| And his right hand cocked. | ||
| And he would snap that left hand at you like a fucking... | ||
| Like a cobra, man. | ||
| Just crack. | ||
| Motor City Cobra. | ||
| He would just pop that fucker right in your face. | ||
| That's why they used to call him that. | ||
| Because he was coming out of fucking nowhere. | ||
| The Detroit Hitman. | ||
| Tommy Hearns. | ||
| He was a bad motherfucker, dude. | ||
| And then BANG! He would hit you with that right hand. | ||
| And he had so much torque because he was really wide. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was really long and wide for a welterweight, man. | ||
| Look at him at 147 pounds. | ||
| I think he was probably like 6'2". | ||
| And just shredded. | ||
| Reject. | ||
| And just cracking people. | ||
| 147? | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh yeah. | |
| He was a well-to-way champ. | ||
| You ever see what he looked like when he fought Sugar Ray Leonard? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, and then he went up to 160, fought Hagler, and got KO'd by Hagler in a crazy slugfest. | ||
| You ever saw that fight? | ||
|
unidentified
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Uh-uh. | |
| Oh! | ||
| Pull up Marvin Hagler versus Thomas Hearns. | ||
| This might have been the great... | ||
| I think it went two rounds. | ||
| But it might have been the greatest two rounds in the history of the middleweight division. | ||
| Because these two guys were super skilled. | ||
| I mean, Marvin Hagler was a brilliant technical boxer. | ||
| Can switch from southpaw to orthodox, like, fluidly. | ||
| Like, you didn't even notice a difference. | ||
| He fought just as good from both sides. | ||
| And he knocked everybody out. | ||
| And he had an iron chin. | ||
| And Tommy Hearns was murking motherfuckers. | ||
| He murked Roberto Duran with one punch. | ||
| Just blah, blah, blah! | ||
| Faceplanted him. | ||
| One fucking hit. | ||
| One punch, man. | ||
| He stung him with one shot. | ||
| Let him see that first. | ||
| Here's the build-up. | ||
| The build-up is Tommy Hearns KOs Roberto Duran. | ||
| Let's watch that first, and then we're going to go back to Marvin Hagler versus Tommy Hearn. | ||
| So you get a feel for what it was like. | ||
| To be able to switch up your stances is so crazy to me, to be able to do that so fluidly. | ||
| Well, that's one of the brilliant things about Hagler. | ||
| I mean, he was just so good at that. | ||
| And it's weird for a guy. | ||
| I remember the first time I fought a guy who was left-handed. | ||
| It was super confusing. | ||
| Everything's coming from the wrong place. | ||
| Everything is reversed. | ||
| You've got to get used to it. | ||
| You don't see it as often. | ||
| So if you don't see it as often, sometimes it's more effective. | ||
| But some guys are really good against Southpaw. | ||
| Some guys have a lightning right hand. | ||
| And that was one of the speculations about Hagler and Hearns. | ||
| Because Hearns had this lightning right hand. | ||
| And Hagler oftentimes fought Southpaw. | ||
| And that's the counter for Southpaw. | ||
| It's a straight right. | ||
| Now watch this, though. | ||
| This goes to show you how big he is. | ||
|
unidentified
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Bang! | |
| Dude! | ||
| Dude! | ||
| Let's play that again. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Come on, man! | ||
| When Tommy Hearns murked people, he murked people. | ||
| And you gotta understand, man, he did this to Roberto Duran. | ||
| That's fast in slow motion. | ||
| Dude, he was so fast. | ||
| That looks fast even in fucking slow motion. | ||
| He was so fast, and he hit so hard. | ||
| But now you gotta watch this. | ||
| And this is Hagler in his prime. | ||
| He was 30 years old. | ||
| He was the undisputed motherfucking middleweight champion of the world. | ||
| And most people thought he was the best pound-for-pound fighter on Earth. | ||
| And Tommy Hearns, of course, you just saw what he did to Roberto Duran. | ||
| And it was a lot of speculation. | ||
| A lot of speculation coming into this fight. | ||
| And they just went at it from the beginning of the round. | ||
| There was very little feel-up. | ||
| It was just constant pressure by Hagler. | ||
| Right hooks. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Boom! | ||
| I mean, look at this, bro. | ||
| They're going to war! | ||
| These are two of the best fucking middleweights ever. | ||
| And they're standing in front of each other going to war! | ||
| And it doesn't feel like anybody's face. | ||
| It feels like they're at the exact same energy level, too. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| Like, both of them have the same output. | ||
| Look at those fucking hooks. | ||
| This is a crazy fight, man. | ||
| They were throwing full power shots from the moment the fight started. | ||
|
unidentified
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Jesus. | |
| And they're right in front of each other, man. | ||
| And for Hearns, this negates his gigantic reach advantage over almost everybody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So Hearns decided to fight this way. | ||
| He decided to stand right... | ||
|
unidentified
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Look at him! | |
| The referee could barely separate him! | ||
| Hearns decided to stand right in front of Hagler and Hagler decided to stand right in front of Hearns. | ||
| And now Hearns is moving. | ||
| See, now this is what Hearns could have done from the beginning and made it interesting. | ||
| Sticking and moving. | ||
| But by the time he decided to do that, he was already touched up. | ||
| And Marvin starts moving in for the kill, that left hand of the body. | ||
| Hagler was relentless, and his cardio was fucking supreme. | ||
| It was supreme. | ||
| He always put pressure on people, and you couldn't hurt him. | ||
| He only had one bullshit knockdown his entire career. | ||
| It was a bullshit knockdown. | ||
| He fought, I think it was Juan Roldan. | ||
| And Juan Roldan, kind of like, it was more like a shove, and maybe... | ||
| Maybe they tripped or something like that, and the referee called it a knockdown. | ||
| But I remember thinking, God damn it! | ||
| Because Hagler had a weird thing that he was either born with or developed. | ||
| He had giant muscles on the side of his head. | ||
| Like he was born with headgear. | ||
| I'm not bullshitting. | ||
| They had him analyzed. | ||
| This was like a big thing in the world of sports back in the day, that he was literally almost born for this. | ||
| That's how good Hagler was. | ||
| Yeah, these motherfuckers are... | ||
| I mean, it's relentless, dude. | ||
| They're toed up every time. | ||
| They're barely looking for any distance between each other. | ||
| And you've got to realize, man, this is not how people usually fight. | ||
| They don't throw full power shots with every shot. | ||
| I mean, they'd be tired within 15 seconds. | ||
| These guys are just going at it. | ||
| So I think this was almost like a game of chicken. | ||
| Both of them knew they were never going to reach the 12th round. | ||
| So they said, fuck it, let's just do this. | ||
| And Hagler just stood right in front of him, constantly blasting him. | ||
| And you see, at the end of the first round, Hearns is wilting. | ||
| He just does not have the power or the speed or the movement. | ||
| See, he's all goofy. | ||
| Yeah, he's sloppy. | ||
| It's getting real sloppy. | ||
| He's just exhausted. | ||
| He's exhausted. | ||
| But still, the warrior in him is making him throw these fucking bombs, man. | ||
| You gotta realize, like, at the time, no one really knew what the fuck was gonna happen in this fight. | ||
| And then Hagler heard him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a little stumble. | ||
| And one of Hagler's incredible attributes, besides his skill, was his determination to win, man. | ||
| He was just, he was a ferocious competitor, man. | ||
| Just ferocious. | ||
| And so if someone was willing to engage him in this kind of crazy fight, where you're gonna stand toe-to-toe and see who's the bigger man, oh my god, everyone's gonna die. | ||
| Hagler's going to take you to the end of the earth, man. | ||
| To the end of the earth. | ||
| I mean, Hagler just looked like he just had still so much left in the tank, even at the end of the first round. | ||
| Dude, he could do this for years. | ||
| He's never out of shape. | ||
| He never partied. | ||
| He never did anything stupid. | ||
| He didn't have any short... | ||
| Never got fat. | ||
| No? | ||
| Never got fat. | ||
| No drugs, no alcohol, no nothing. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| And how about this? | ||
| Retired after the Sugar Ray Leonard fight. | ||
| Lost a controversial decision to Sugar Ray Leonard that, to this day, I think he won. | ||
| But it was a close fight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then just retired and became a fucking movie star in Italy. | ||
| That's fucking wild. | ||
| Love that guy. | ||
| Yeah, but that's the way to do it, huh? | ||
| Kind of go out at a good prime and then just say goodnight. | ||
| Yeah, nobody else did it like him, man. | ||
| Nobody else did it like him. | ||
| Boom, that's the way he hurt him. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Now he's just moving in for the kill. | ||
| Moving in for the kill. | ||
| Now he's taking his time. | ||
| Look. | ||
| See, now it's just nice and relaxed. | ||
| This is inevitable now. | ||
| Marvin's just moving in and deciding when he's going to uncork. | ||
| When he's going to uncork. | ||
| Moving in. | ||
| Blocking these shots. | ||
| He knows that Hearns is hurt. | ||
| And he starts teeing him up. | ||
| Boom. | ||
|
unidentified
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Goddamn. | |
| Right hand. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right hand. | |
| And Hearns is trying to move now. | ||
| See, now that's how I thought Hearns was going to fight and most people thought Hearns was going to fight from the beginning, like that. | ||
| Just keep moving, moving, moving. | ||
| From the outside. | ||
| Sting him from the outside like that. | ||
| I mean, that's classic Thomas Hearns. | ||
| But the warrior and him wanted to find out. | ||
| You know? | ||
| They want to find out. | ||
| Who's the baddest motherfucker in town? | ||
| Who is it? | ||
| You know? | ||
| And you can feel him backing up. | ||
| It's almost like he knows what's coming. | ||
| He's getting in some good shots, even though he's creating distance, but even still, it just doesn't feel like he's balanced. | ||
| See that right there? | ||
| Boom. | ||
| He's hurting him now. | ||
| Hagler's standing right in front of him. | ||
| He is touching him, but he just doesn't have the pop anymore. | ||
| You know what it's like when you're working out, and at the end of the workout, you're fucking exhausted, and you can barely do one rep. | ||
| That's what happens with your arms when you're fighting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's nothing left in them. | ||
| There's nothing left. | ||
| It's not like he's doing this on purpose. | ||
| There's no gas in his arms. | ||
| His arms are completely flooded right now. | ||
| All the blood in them, it's just they're not recovering. | ||
| It's a horrible feeling, too. | ||
| He's swinging, though. | ||
| Look, he's swinging, but it's way slower than it was in the first round. | ||
| Right, his snap was so much quicker in the first round. | ||
| Now he's not following through a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| He's trying to conserve energy. | ||
| He realizes he can't do this forever. | ||
| He's exhausted. | ||
| God, they both look like they're fucking at that little breaking point where it's about to be either... | ||
| I'm telling you, Hagler, even though he might look like that because it is a fast pace, he could do this for years. | ||
|
unidentified
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Jesus. | |
| He could do this for years. | ||
| He just didn't get tired, man. | ||
| And you couldn't hurt him. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| He fought a dude named John the Beast Mugabe. | ||
| And John the Beast Mugabe was fucking terrifying people, man. | ||
| He starched Terry Norris. | ||
| He starched a bunch of dudes. | ||
| He was a heavy puncher. | ||
| Heavy puncher. | ||
| And Hagler stood right in front of him. | ||
| And he got caught with one big uppercut and he didn't even budge. | ||
| Uppercuts that were like murking people. | ||
| He didn't even flinch? | ||
| So what round was it? | ||
| Is it the third round? | ||
| Beginning of the third, yes. | ||
| The third round. | ||
| Here's the third round right here. | ||
| This just shows you how fucking tough Tommy Hearns was. | ||
| I mean, those two rounds were just fucking knock down, drag out. | ||
| Relentless. | ||
| Yeah, just non-stop. | ||
| But towards the end, you clearly see Hagler's coming on. | ||
| I mean, he looks good. | ||
| He looks good, and he's pacing himself now. | ||
| He's just moving forward, throwing shots. | ||
| But yeah, Hearns is exhausted, man. | ||
| It's fucking rough, man. | ||
| There it is. | ||
|
unidentified
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Boom. | |
| He's trying to keep him off. | ||
| Yeah, he's trying to keep him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's having a hard time breathing, though, man. | ||
| I mean, he's exhausted. | ||
| See that? | ||
| Big, deep breath. | ||
| When you take that big sigh, it's almost like, uh-uh, uh-uh. | ||
|
unidentified
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Somebody lost a mouthpiece, I think. | |
| Is that what it was? | ||
| He called his time? | ||
| Yeah, I think that's what happened. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| It's hard to tell. | ||
| It's really blurry footage. | ||
| I was just going to say, man, 240p was weird back then, huh? | ||
| It looked normal to us back then. | ||
| Your eyes knew how to handle it, right? | ||
| Well, you were just excited that you could see the fight. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But this wasn't... | ||
| I wonder if this would have looked like when it was on HBO. Had to have been. | ||
| I looked a little better on those TVs. | ||
| Do you know HBO just canceled boxing? | ||
| They don't have boxing anymore? | ||
| At all. | ||
| At all. | ||
| Just pay-per-view now? | ||
| They don't even do pay-per-view. | ||
| They're out of the boxing business. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| So they'll never... | ||
| Oh, here it is. | ||
| And he's moving. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Right hand. | ||
|
unidentified
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Boom. | |
| Oh, it's done. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| He knew it. | ||
| Damn. | ||
|
unidentified
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Damn. | |
| That's it. | ||
| Third round. | ||
| Gone. | ||
| I always miss this. | ||
| I always think it's the second round for some reason. | ||
| I think we've actually gone over this before. | ||
| But third round. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| They don't have boxing anymore. | ||
| HBO got out of the boxing business. | ||
| What do you think that's because of? | ||
| It's not earning enough money anymore? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It makes me sad, though. | ||
| They had some of the greatest boxing telecasts of all time. | ||
| I mean, that was what you would do. | ||
| If a big fight was on, Bernard Hopkins was on, a lot of the times it was on HBO. And if it was on pay-per-view, then you knew it was going to be on HBO the following week. | ||
| So even if you couldn't afford the pay-per-view, you'd hang in there. | ||
| A week later, you knew who won, but you could watch the fight on HBO. I remember watching fights on HBO... I just remember that HBO boxing being such like an emblematic thing. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's so recognizable. | ||
| So like pay-per-view and HBO. So them get out of the game is so strange. | ||
| It's kind of like the revolution that's happening now. | ||
| The last fight I went to with you at UFC, now they're ESPN players. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Plus. | ||
| ESPN Plus? | ||
| That's what it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a private paid service? | ||
| It's a subscription service. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Like a Netflix for sports. | ||
| But it's not just UFC fights. | ||
| It's a bunch of other stuff? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| All kinds of shit. | ||
| Stuff that just won't show on ESPN at all, though. | ||
| No, they sometimes show... | ||
| I mean, it's ESPN content, I guess. | ||
| So you could watch some fights that were on ESPN Plus. | ||
| Later, they'll probably show them on ESPN. Sort of like the same thing with HBO. Right. | ||
| Pay-per-view. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But I think what HBO did with pay-per-view was brilliant. | ||
| Where you would have the pay-per-view, but then let people watch it for free a week later. | ||
| You're just going to make more fans. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like you're not going to lose money on the pay-per-view. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| You're just going to make more fans. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| Well, that's the whole idea of like, that's why this is funny. | ||
| I was going to talk to you about this anyway. | ||
| I just moved and I canceled my DirecTV. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| I canceled them. | ||
| I cut the wire and I'm just doing like a Hulu live TV. Yeah, internet shit. | ||
| All the years of hearing people being like, cutting the cord, cutting the cord. | ||
| I'm like, I don't know, man. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Now, fuck it. | ||
| I love what I'm doing now. | ||
| And I got to tell you, I can get all the shit that I want for cheaper than I had it before. | ||
| And it's just way more convenient. | ||
| I used to be so tethered to being like, I'll never give up cable. | ||
| Now I'm like, fuck it. | ||
| I don't want it anymore. | ||
| I don't want it. | ||
| This has been the best version. | ||
| I remember when I was like, I'll always have a Blockbuster card. | ||
|
unidentified
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Always. | |
| Yeah, it'll never go away. | ||
| It'll never end. | ||
| Hollywood video, dude. | ||
| I want to rent. | ||
| Man, if you put all your money in that, you're like, I'm telling you, in 20 years, this is going to amount to $15 million. | ||
| I got... | ||
| I got a fucking plan. | ||
| Do you think people invested in Netflix when it was the DVD subscription service and that, you know what I mean, like early on and now they're still getting the revenue dividends of what Netflix is now? | ||
| I wonder about that. | ||
| Oh yeah, I'm sure you do. | ||
| Like that's got to be the best money because it was worth nothing back then. | ||
| It was just another subscription video service and there was a ton of them. | ||
| I mean Redbox. | ||
| I did my first Netflix special in 2005. Oh my god. | ||
| There's one left? | ||
| Oh, I think I've seen this. | ||
| In Alaska, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| No, Oregon. | ||
|
unidentified
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There you go. | |
| Yeah, it's in Oregon. | ||
| Oregon. | ||
| Bend, Oregon. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| The last blockbuster. | ||
| They went from 4,855 stores in 2008 to one store in 2018. That is the craziest demolition of a business I've ever heard. | ||
| I've never heard of what other business in our lifetimes vanished like that. | ||
| Like a storefront? | ||
| I can't think of something that went away that quickly. | ||
| But the whole industry, gone. | ||
| It was a part of our weekend. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You go to Blockbuster. | ||
| Huge. | ||
| What do they got? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Oh, you hear anything about this? | ||
| You look at the cover. | ||
| Hmm, I don't know. | ||
| I never even heard of this one. | ||
| I never saw it. | ||
| Maybe it's good. | ||
| You wind up watching like obscure Dolph Lundgren movies that were made in Italy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is this? | |
| You would. | ||
| You'd get to pick out shit that you're like, this looks kind of dope. | ||
| We'll see. | ||
| The gamble was fun. | ||
| The name meant a lot. | ||
| It was like, this guy from Dances with Wolves. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I remember that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That could be cool. | |
| You'll take a chance. | ||
| Yeah, you will. | ||
| But I think that's happening again now with Netflix. | ||
| I'll take a chance with shit now that I've never heard of. | ||
| Because Netflix, you pop up all these different titles and you'll go, I'll try this fucking show. | ||
| I just started a new show. | ||
| I just tried a show. | ||
| And it's called Dead to Me with Christina Applegate. | ||
| Christina Applegate? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| But I'll try it. | ||
| I would never think to watch this new show about these... | ||
| Have you gone through all the staples at Netflix yet? | ||
| Did you watch Ozarks yet? | ||
| Done. | ||
| Watched both seasons. | ||
| God damn, that's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Phenomenal. | |
| One of the best shows I've ever seen. | ||
| Did you watch Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt? | ||
| I've seen a few episodes of it. | ||
| It's fucking hilarious, dude. | ||
| People like it, but... | ||
| I love that show. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| It's got the same kind of tone as 30 Rock. | ||
| It doesn't? | ||
| Well, it's Tina Fey. | ||
| It's Tina again. | ||
| Tina Fey's in it, too. | ||
| Oh, she is? | ||
| Yeah, sometimes. | ||
| She plays this really wacky psychologist that's out of her fucking mind, likes to party. | ||
| She has some of the best character development, man. | ||
| That's why 30 Rock was so good. | ||
| That show is funny, man. | ||
| Kimmy Schmidt is funny. | ||
| Alright, I'll watch it. | ||
| I'll try it. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| It just didn't seem like my show. | ||
| It's absurd. | ||
| You gotta give it a chance. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| There was some dull moments in one of those series, but they tightened it up quick. | ||
| Whatever problem they have with writing, they've fixed it real quick. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, I mean, first seasons are always hard, man. | ||
| Well, I mean, just writing is hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Writing for a sitcom, they hit ruts sometimes, you know? | ||
| Yeah, like sometimes I'll watch old Seinfelds when they pop on. | ||
| And some of the episodes are just fucking flawless. | ||
| They're bangers. | ||
| The B story is just as funny as the A story. | ||
| And then sometimes you watch a few and you're like... | ||
| They had a tough week. | ||
| You could tell they had a tough go. | ||
| I remember that feeling with news radio. | ||
| I remember episodes where it's just like... | ||
| Well, we did our best. | ||
| That's all there was with that one. | ||
| We swung. | ||
| We'll see what happens. | ||
| And then you'll have the next one that's just insane. | ||
| And a lot of times, it's like stand-up in that sense. | ||
| And a lot of times, it's just like the subjects. | ||
| Like, what are the subjects? | ||
| Like, what juicy topic do you have? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, what is happening? | ||
| You have to have... | ||
| Something that engages people. | ||
| And sometimes with sitcoms, it's like, fuck, you have to put out 20-something episodes a year? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 22, 23? | ||
| So write 23 short stories in a year. | ||
| That's crazy! | ||
| And make them all tie in and have a nice little, kind of a perfect through line for the whole season. | ||
| I know what nowadays a lot of people are relying on on politics, which I think is, you know, it's becoming the new norm. | ||
| Every time I see a billboard now, it's a new political show. | ||
| It's like Wyatt Cenac just got one. | ||
| Jordan Klepper, who was a Daily Show correspondent. | ||
| He just got another one. | ||
| Hasan Minhaj has his. | ||
| I mean, there's like so many political shows now. | ||
| They should all be writing letters thanking Trump. | ||
| It's like Trump is really fueling all these new shows. | ||
| If it weren't for him, it was like this new wave of political satire. | ||
| I don't think I've seen this in comedy in my career. | ||
| I've never seen this many shows about politics. | ||
| Samantha Bee. | ||
| I mean, I just named five in a row. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| John Oliver's show is... | ||
| Right? | ||
| That last week tonight or whatever. | ||
| That's essentially a political-based show. | ||
| It's slightly political, but it's very social, too. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| It's pop culture. | ||
| Pointing out what's fucked up in the week. | ||
| I mean, listen, he's brilliant. | ||
| And some of these shows are probably great. | ||
| I just think there's so much political comedy right now. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| It's not my shit. | ||
| No, Oliver's excellent. | ||
| Yeah, he's a genius. | ||
| The whole thing is... | ||
| What's uncomfortable is that there are very little conversations taking place and a lot of people that are really angry. | ||
| I was watching this guy, some representative, I don't even know his name, but he was offering $100 to name these girls that were in front of a Planned Parenthood. | ||
| He's like a grown man. | ||
| They're girls. | ||
| They're young Christian girls. | ||
| What do you mean name them as in like call them out? | ||
| Yeah, like give their names so he could shame them publicly. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| Very smart. | ||
| But he's offering on this video $100. | ||
| But this is where people have gotten to where they think that that's okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| These people, I know you're there to support a woman's right to choose, but you have to understand that these people think that this is a place where they kill babies. | ||
| This is what they think. | ||
| Regardless of what you think, this is why they're there. | ||
| They're not there because they're evil. | ||
| And I know that this would put Unwanted pressure on a girl who's going there for an abortion. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get the whole thing. | ||
| I get it from your side, and I see where they're coming from, too. | ||
| And although I fully support a woman's right to choose, Sure. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| They're not doing it because they're bad people. | ||
| Right, like there's some groups that do it just because they're pieces of shit, like the Westboro Baptist Church, like they do things because they're bad people. | ||
| Like all they want to do is go protest a soldier's funeral. | ||
| Well, you know, I had a girl, Megan Phelps, who left them. | ||
| Right, that got out. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And now, dude, she met a guy on Twitter. | ||
| It's a great story. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's an amazing story. | ||
| She's human again. | ||
| Well, she started talking to people and then investigating and realizing, dude, what I'm telling you, when you talked to her, she was like the nicest, most reasonable person. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And to think that just 15 years ago, whatever it was, 10 years ago, she was a full-on zealot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| And her dad, or her uncle, grandfather rather, can't even get it right, her grandfather is Fred Phelps. | ||
| He started the whole thing. | ||
| He's the old dude, that old mean guy, the God Hates Fags guy. | ||
| So you completely, do you completely buy into the fact that she's cured of it? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| None of that's in her blood anymore. | ||
| She's so honest and open about what she felt and why she felt it and why she was conflicted and why it didn't jive with what she was reading in the Bible. | ||
| It didn't make sense to her. | ||
| And the way he was doing it, what she was realizing, was not how Christians did it all over the world. | ||
| And that this desire to constantly get attention in the news, even at soldiers' funerals, they would go to soldiers' funerals and say that these soldiers are dying because gay people are getting married. | ||
| They were saying they deserve to die, they deserve to be dead. | ||
| But I'm telling you from that, she's like the nicest person you would ever want to meet. | ||
| So she's found some regulation in her world. | ||
| She realizes it was bullshit, and she was tricked, and she's done a great job to free herself. | ||
| But when you indoctrinate someone heavily into anything, and this is whether it's Being a religious zealot or being a political zealot, you indoctrinate someone when they're early in their youth. | ||
| It's very difficult for them to get out of it. | ||
| It takes real work. | ||
| But that's what I mean. | ||
| That's why I guess I'm saying it sticks with you, right? | ||
| Like, my whole thing is, there's things instilled in me from my youth, from where I grew up culturally and how I grew up, that even though I'm more learned now, I still do understand Those ways of thinking, right? | ||
| So it is hard to break away from those things, even though, like when you just said the whole, like, a woman's right to choose, right? | ||
| Like, I grew up in the Midwest. | ||
| I grew up Catholic. | ||
| This is how I am. | ||
| Most of my family is, in so many words, against abortion. | ||
| But I don't think these things are mutually exclusive, that you can be against abortion and against women's right to choose. | ||
| You can say that you don't like abortion, but also say, I'm not going to control what you do with your body. | ||
| It's kind of how I feel. | ||
| I don't love the idea of abortion. | ||
| I'm being honest. | ||
| I just don't love it. | ||
| But... | ||
| I do think I'm not going to stand here and tell people what to do. | ||
| But I should be able to still say, I don't like it. | ||
| I don't think it's a healthy thing to do. | ||
| I don't enjoy the spreading of it being kind of this not-a-big-deal thing. | ||
| But I do think people can do whatever they fucking want to do. | ||
| But I'm also allowed to go, I don't love the idea. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| As an option. | ||
| I just don't love it. | ||
| I don't love it. | ||
| Birth control is obviously the best method. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, of course. | |
| And I think we should be more aware. | ||
| But women, when they take birth control, man, they have to... | ||
| I'm not advocating for abortion as a method of birth control, but what I'm saying is when women take birth control pills, that shit fucks with their hormones. | ||
| It's not a good thing. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| And that I know. | ||
| And when they do it and they also smoke, it can cause real complications. | ||
| Right. | ||
| A lot of women have really bad reactions to the pill. | ||
| It changes your behavior. | ||
| Suicidal tendencies. | ||
| I've heard a lot of really bad stories. | ||
| Now, I'm also saying, if we want to look at it from a different perspective, men should also take way more fucking responsibility then. | ||
| This is the other side. | ||
| This argument tends to land on women a lot, where it's like, you don't tell a woman what to do with her body. | ||
| It's like, okay, that's fine. | ||
| I'm just saying how I don't like it. | ||
| Also, I don't like guys. | ||
| Nutting in women and fucking ghosting and not wanting to raise a child, right? | ||
| So I think the other side of it is two parties here should be responsible. | ||
| Men should take some fucking responsibility over stop coming inside of these fucking people if you're not ready to have kids. | ||
| I'm just being real. | ||
| It's like either wear a condom or stop doing the thing that you know makes children. | ||
| But again, this is this weird balance of like I say, I come from this Not conservative, but like this Catholic upbringing in the Midwest, you know, a good old Irish Catholic boy, and the ideas that you hear as a kid all the time, you then grow, and I now go, I think people should be able to do whatever they want to do. | ||
| I'm not going to fucking control somebody. | ||
| But I still have those little moments of, yeah, I just don't love it, though, because it was something that was instilled in me as a youth, you know? | ||
| I mean, it's the same way for years. | ||
| I felt guilty smoking pot because I was like... | ||
| I've been smoking pot for 20 years, but I felt guilty for a long time because drugs were so bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was just like this overwhelming... | ||
| And even today, sometimes I get high and I go, should I be getting high today? | ||
| Do I have shit to do? | ||
| Am I doing something wrong? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I'm a grown-up. | ||
| I have all my shit together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm allowed to get high. | ||
| You're one of the few comedian friends that I know that has their shit together. | ||
| You're a grown-up. | ||
| Trying to just stay having my shit together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You take care of your shit. | ||
| It's a hard task, though, right? | ||
| It's not easy, especially for immature dipshits like us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This isn't supposed to happen. | ||
| Nikki Glaser had a funny... | ||
| She was on stage doing a bit, and she just had said this phrase, and I kept talking to her about it afterwards. | ||
| She was like, we don't deserve this money. | ||
| And I was like, what do you mean we don't fucking... | ||
| And she's like, we just don't deserve this much money for being so immature. | ||
| I was like, I guess that's kind of true. | ||
| Like, we get to be clowny kids and still make a good living. | ||
| Meanwhile, a guy... | ||
| There's a guy, there's an electrician at my house the other day. | ||
| The shit he was telling me, I couldn't fucking keep... | ||
| I mean, he was speaking fucking another language. | ||
| And I had no... | ||
| He's like, oh, you have to have another ground wire because the neutrals are different now. | ||
| This is a two-wire system back in 1946. You got to have a three-wire system. | ||
| It's going on and on and on and on. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| You deserve more money. | ||
| Like, you're worth more money. | ||
| I don't know why I have more money than you do. | ||
| You do much more important shit. | ||
| It's all about with, I guess, with money, right? | ||
| It's all about reach. | ||
| You know, what we were talking about earlier today about how much money Facebook and Google and all these people make from ads and how weird it is that, like, you look for something and then instantly those ads start popping up. | ||
| Constantly. | ||
| I'm referencing Sam Harris' podcast again. | ||
| I don't remember which one it was. | ||
| It was fairly recently. | ||
| He had a guest on, and they talked about the commodity of your data, the commodity of your searches, and who's selling that, and how they're profiting off of that, and that this was this commodity that nobody thought they were giving up. | ||
| Nobody thought there was anything to it. | ||
| And then these companies have found this loophole and have made billions of dollars through it by giving you free email, by giving you a free web browser, by giving you free searches, basically providing you with all the information in the world. | ||
| What they want from you is want to know what you're interested in. | ||
| That's all. | ||
| No big deal. | ||
| It's kind of like the real world example would be those trash companies that are like, you have a garage full of shit, we'll come pick it up for free. | ||
| You don't know what's in that fucking garage. | ||
| Some people are so old, they just throw shit out and they go, just get rid of it, fuck it. | ||
| You know those Storage Wars shows? | ||
| I guess some of them, they fake. | ||
| Yeah, they do. | ||
| They set them up. | ||
| They load up the storage and they go, I can't believe we found a World War II helmet! | ||
| It's Elvis' underwear! | ||
| This is unbelievable! | ||
| Yeah, they used to be real. | ||
| Actually, a few of them were very real. | ||
| They were very real. | ||
| Then they got caught online. | ||
| A bunch of people online were calling them out being like, this is bullshit. | ||
| This is fake. | ||
| I saw them setting it up. | ||
| They got caught. | ||
| If they're going to do that, they should find magic in there and shit. | ||
| They should find... | ||
| You know? | ||
| They should. | ||
| Storage wars where they go in there and they find a leprechaun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| A eunuch! | ||
| Yeah, one person disappears and they have a genie and a lamp. | ||
| That would be worth it. | ||
| Treat me like I'm really stupid. | ||
| Have you ever watched the show Ghost Hunters? | ||
| Or Ghost Adventures? | ||
| Oh my god, yes. | ||
| Do you know this guy? | ||
| Which guy? | ||
| Zach Bagans? | ||
| Zach Bagans? | ||
| Do you know this guy? | ||
| I do not know him personally. | ||
| Oh, man! | ||
| He makes me laugh so fucking hard because they've done like nine seasons now. | ||
| I don't even know how many they've done. | ||
| Have they found any ghosts? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| They have all this great technology now that's improved. | ||
| Do you think that he believes in ghosts? | ||
| Here's the best part. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He is all in, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
All in. | |
| Which I love anybody that's all in, whatever they're doing. | ||
| You kind of have to be if you're the host of Ghost Adventure. | ||
| But also now he's super self-aware of their popularity and of his caricature of himself. | ||
| So he does it now on purpose. | ||
| He took off his shirt one episode and he goes, you want to fucking fight me, ghost? | ||
| Let's fucking go, dude. | ||
| Toe up. | ||
| Throw a fucking punch. | ||
| You're like... | ||
| He's aware of his character that is this bro-y ghost fist fighter. | ||
| This dude. | ||
| Is Brandon Schaub on that? | ||
| Yeah, Schaub. | ||
| Schaub's on the episode? | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He looks like he just got back from a Shane Carwin sparring session. | ||
| Yeah, he's still in the fight. | ||
| He's still out of it. | ||
| Is that Zach with the beard? | ||
| No, Zach is that dude right there. | ||
| So Zach wears Ed Hardy type of shirts. | ||
| He wears these loud... | ||
| Ridiculously battered shirts. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But he's... | ||
| You gotta see it. | ||
| Do a more newer episode. | ||
| Do something from like 2009 to 18. You'll see what he looks like now. | ||
| He's gotten way more fucking jacked. | ||
| His hair is all flaked up, you know? | ||
| He's got like more tanner on and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's become super self-aware. | ||
| Do you think that he believes in ghosts? | ||
| No, I think he's just self-aware of the product he's created. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That he understands now. | ||
| That's a challenge. | ||
| I see the next Whiskey Ginger podcast. | ||
| Me and Zach Bates. | ||
| That's him right there, right? | ||
| Now he looks like a Hollywood guy. | ||
| He's got these big black-framed glasses. | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| He can't look any better? | ||
| You're not allowing him to have better style? | ||
| He went to Hollywood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I can't. | ||
| You're so Chicago. | ||
| Look at his fucking Hollywood. | ||
| Look at him with his spiky hair. | ||
| He went Hollywood the fuck. | ||
| I'll tell you, that's the one thing I know I won't do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go Hollywood? | |
| I'll never get to a place when I'll be wearing clothes where I used to make fun of them like that. | ||
| I remember going, this guy's wearing a fucking $900 t-shirt. | ||
| I know now I can't do that. | ||
| I can't do that now because I used to shit on it so much. | ||
| Yeah, you have to mind by the rules of your own mocking. | ||
| Well, if I pushed it out there for so long. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| He's got a nice hat. | ||
| That's him. | ||
| Yeah, it looks good, right? | ||
| You like his hat, Jamie? | ||
| Is that your buddy? | ||
| What are you trying to say? | ||
| That's the most recent photo I could find. | ||
| Jamie, do I zoom in real quick? | ||
| I thought you were trying to say something. | ||
| Handsome fella. | ||
| Cute guy. | ||
| Jamie, I want you to grow your facial hair just like that. | ||
| Do you really think he doesn't believe in ghosts? | ||
| I think he does not believe in ghosts. | ||
| I think he loves the paranormal, right? | ||
| He loves the idea of the paranormal. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| I think he loves the idea of forces at nature happening, molecules, energies around us, all influencing the way we act. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I don't think he believes in actual apparitions or... | ||
| What do they call them? | ||
| Spirits on his EVP. We felt the spirit. | ||
| They'll do this thing where they'll see a little orb or a light. | ||
| This happens all the time with cameras when you switch to night vision and not... | ||
| These little deflects of dusk kind of reflect light off the lenses. | ||
| And he'll go, it's an orb. | ||
| And they'll watch it float through the lens. | ||
| And he is obsessed about these orbs. | ||
| They enter the orb. | ||
| And he does this voiceover shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I watch a fucking show. | ||
| I get high and I watch it. | ||
| It's maybe one of my favorite things. | ||
| Jamie, you're a photographer. | ||
| What's the scientific explanation for those little balls that show up in photographs? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| I don't have the knowledge for that, but it could be explained in lots of different ways. | ||
| It's mostly probably like a light flare of some kind. | ||
| Because there's... | ||
| Or ghosts. | ||
| Now I'm a believer. | ||
| You stammered through that so badly. | ||
| Dude, you did a terrible fucking job selling that. | ||
| I don't know the photography science, but like in this lens here, there's like five different pieces of glass. | ||
| So there's just, at whatever angle you're holding it, depending on where the light source is coming from, it might create an artifact, which would be a little circle. | ||
| So if you're dealing with a really nice camera like that one, but what about like with one of them bullshit, one of those zip and shoot ones, then they're using that noise. | ||
| That's like less... | ||
| Why there would be something on that is probably because it's less good. | ||
| It's less good. | ||
| Not the right word, but... | ||
| Less technology in there. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I can't explain it honestly. | ||
| I'm trying to, but I can't. | ||
| We should Google it because orb lovers right now are freaking out. | ||
| My God, there are angels! | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're in front of you and you refuse to see their gift! | |
| Anytime an orb passes near a human, he'll go, watch Joe's reaction as the orb goes behind his head. | ||
| Yeah, and you change your eyes. | ||
| I feel it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I felt it. | |
| Yeah, your eyes will change. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| You don't believe in fucking ghosts, do you? | ||
| Bro, I believe in everything. | ||
| You don't believe in ghosts. | ||
| I'm all in with everything now. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Bigfoot. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that? | |
| There you go. | ||
| Backscatter. | ||
| Backscatter. | ||
| The artifact can result from the backscatter or retro reflection of light from airborne solid particles such as dust or pollen. | ||
| That's what I said. | ||
| Or liquid droplets, especially rain or mist, can also be caused by foreign material within the camera's lens. | ||
| So these dots are blurred images of dust particles. | ||
| M. Night Shyamalama Ding Dong should make a movie in that movie. | ||
| And it should be called Backscatter. | ||
| I should not call him that anymore. | ||
| That's really rude. | ||
| Is it, though? | ||
| It's kind of funny. | ||
| It's Shyamalan. | ||
| That's his fucking name. | ||
| Shyamalanma. | ||
| I'll turn on you. | ||
| Yeah, you started it and you fucking put it on me. | ||
| What are you, racist? | ||
| What's wrong with you, man? | ||
| He makes some good goddamn movies. | ||
| He takes some crazy risks, but I love The Sixth Sense. | ||
| That was a great fucking movie. | ||
| Come on, I love The Village. | ||
| People didn't like that. | ||
| I thought The Village, the end of it, I was like, what about Planes? | ||
| They don't show any planes going on. | ||
| Do you know how big it would have to be to avoid all the planes? | ||
| Well, they'd have to be in a super remote place. | ||
| There's got to be places where no planes fly. | ||
| But they're not remote because they made it out to the road. | ||
| And then instantly they got to the road and people were like, hey, get in a car. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| A car? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| I live in the 1800s. | ||
| They're like St. Louis. | ||
| It's like right there. | ||
| You know what I like though? | ||
| It's Ghost. | ||
| No, Devil. | ||
| The one that was in the elevator? | ||
| Yeah, Devil. | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
| Yeah, it was good. | ||
| That was good. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| He takes chances. | ||
| He takes a shot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I like. | |
| Hey, wait. | ||
| This reminds me of when you talk about that island, that private island, you know, Sentinel Island? | ||
| North Sentinel Island. | ||
| North Sentinel Island? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Planes still fly over that or no? | ||
| Are they not allowed to fly over that as a restricted airspace? | ||
| I don't think it's restricted. | ||
| No. | ||
| But you can't land there and you can't circle. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You can't visit. | ||
| India owns it, right? | ||
| Doesn't India control it? | ||
| I believe so. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like 10 mile radius. | ||
| I saw a thing online that said a boat crash there And you can still see on Google images the remnants of the boat Yeah, they came for the people in the boat too And the helicopters got them off the boat Right as the people were pulling up Oh, so they lived? | ||
| Fuck Yeah, they lived, but the villages were coming for them Wow Can you imagine stumbling across a village? | ||
| They've been fucked with sometime in the past You know, that Commander Maurice Vidal Portman Yeah Yeah Shout out to Respectable Law on Twitter. | ||
| He has a giant thread about it. | ||
| It may be pinned on the top of his Twitter page, but explaining one of the reasons why those people are so hostile. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it has to do with this British explorer who was really kinky. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He went there to fuck. | ||
| Yeah, who knows what he did. | ||
| He wanted to fuck Island. | ||
| Who knows what he did, but people got sick because of him. | ||
| You know, I had this guy, Graham Hancock, on, and he was talking to me about all the different shit that they're finding in the Amazon and in South America. | ||
| And that there used to be 20 million people that lived in the Amazon and they died off because of sickness. | ||
| They were visited mostly, apparently Europeans when they came in like the 1500s, they would tell these incredible stories about these huge civilizations in the Amazon. | ||
| But then when explorers came back 200 years later, there was nothing there. | ||
| And they were like, this is crazy. | ||
| They must have lied. | ||
| But it turns out they didn't lie. | ||
| What happened was smallpox ran through the fucking jungle and killed everybody. | ||
| We did it. | ||
| And then the jungle just overtook these cities. | ||
| And now they're finding these cities with something called LIDAR. | ||
| They use these planes and they circle over this area or helicopters, whatever the fuck they do. | ||
| And they shoot this shit down, this LIDAR. | ||
| It's like laser radar. | ||
| And it gives you a detailed image of what's below the surface and what's there. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| And it shows them all these crazy structures, all these roadways and irrigation systems and circles inside of a square. | ||
| It was villages and cities and millions of people probably lived there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Look at it. | ||
| That's all the stuff they're finding now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And all of it was swallowed up by the jungle. | ||
| They think within like a hundred years, it just vanished in the jungle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Because it's so lush and tropical down there. | ||
| Dude, it was one of the most amazing podcasts I've ever done. | ||
| Listening to that guy tell this story. | ||
| Right after this one, though. | ||
| No, you are the best. | ||
| You're the best. | ||
| This is like the findings of Atlantis, right? | ||
| You started finding more and more land underground. | ||
| Have you seen this? | ||
| They found traces of five drugs, including dimethyltryptamine, on a thousand-year-old South American ritual case. | ||
| DMT, baby. | ||
| So that's like proof positive evidence that at least 1,000 years ago they were using ayahuasca. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This was the drug pouch that was made from fox snouts. | ||
| That sounds so crazy. | ||
| Fox nose. | ||
| When you see it, it looks like a nose. | ||
| They used everything. | ||
| And the fur is still intact. | ||
| It looks really nice. | ||
| The nose. | ||
| I wonder why they do that with a fox. | ||
| It's probably like some cleverness. | ||
| Do you know that that's what a shaman, that's like literally what a shaman is supposed to, that's what the definition is supposed to be in certain cultures? | ||
| Certain cultures, it's a clever fellow. | ||
| That's who the shaman is. | ||
| Okay, that kind of makes sense. | ||
| They are just clever fellows. | ||
| But I mean, imagine that, like he takes a fox, that clever little fucker, I'm going to take his face and hide my drugs in his face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want his fucking face. | |
| Only a person would think to do something so creepy. | ||
| Or an insect. | ||
| Chipmunk cheeks. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| That would be a good move. | ||
| Yeah, a little pouch. | ||
| Those are good pouches. | ||
| That hangs through your belt. | ||
| It's just chipmunk cheeks with all your coins in it. | ||
| What about the dumbest animal you could have stuff in? | ||
| What would be the worst animal to put stuff in? | ||
| Skunks. | ||
| Yeah, skunks are the fucking worst. | ||
| Raccoons? | ||
| Raccoons are actually kind of smart. | ||
| Do you know skunks are predators? | ||
| Those little creeps. | ||
| They are? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, bro, they were coming from my chickens. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They try to eat your chickens. | ||
| They want to kill your chickens. | ||
| They skunk up, they spray them and shit? | ||
| No, they're just there to kill. | ||
| They only spray things when things come near them. | ||
| Or when they're about to die, right? | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| When they think they're going to die, they just admit that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like so many animals are able to do that. | ||
| We're like one of the only species that doesn't know how to fake death to avoid actually dying. | ||
| A lot of species will hide or change colors or shapes or emit something to give the other species the thought that they're dead or deceased or that they've, you know, they're gone. | ||
| We don't do, we don't, we're the only ones who don't know. | ||
| If you're running away from a fight, you can't just pretend to be dead and then they'll stop fucking you up. | ||
| It's still gonna fuck you up. | ||
| Well, human beings... | ||
| Well, I think humans and chimps, too. | ||
| They want retribution. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They want revenge. | ||
| We love vengeance, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's, like, our favorite thing in the world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A guy almost fucking hit me four times today. | ||
| I wish I got his license plate to call him out on here. | ||
| He's a cunt. | ||
| And he was cutting me off, and he kept trying to, like, hit my car after I... Why? | ||
| He cut me off in a big, like, F-350 truck. | ||
| And then I gave him one of these fucking honk, like, dude, I mean, just missed my car, you know? | ||
| Then I move on. | ||
| Well, he pulls over next to me, gives me the finger, and then tries to, like, pull in my fucking lane. | ||
| Like, he's, if he's gonna hit my car. | ||
| Out of his, I was like, this guy, he just knows, he just knows his car hits my car. | ||
| His car has barely any damage on it. | ||
| He knows a big F-350 truck. | ||
| His tire is the size of my fucking car. | ||
| He was a dick. | ||
| But he wanted shit, so it's like now, vindictively, I hope I see him again. | ||
| Now I just want to fucking see him again somewhere in the city. | ||
| Just this guy. | ||
| I want to have that moment with him again. | ||
| See him outside of his fucking big truck. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Yeah, we love... | ||
| I don't hold grudges. | ||
| Like, Bobby Lee and I were talking about it. | ||
| Bobby holds the biggest grudges on earth. | ||
| He has some of the worst. | ||
| I mean, he has, like, 20-year grudges. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, my God, yeah. | ||
| Bobby Lee? | ||
| Bobby Lee? | ||
| Ask him about it. | ||
| He genuinely, when someone does the wrong thing to him, like, I'm not talking, like, makes a bad mistake. | ||
| When someone does something where you're like, that's fucked up, that can fuck up a friendship, he will hold that against you for the rest of time. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Where some people would go, whatever, man, I forgive you, shit happens. | ||
| Nah, he holds a fucking grudge, dude. | ||
| Bad. | ||
| That little tiny rice ball has a lot of fucking vengeance inside of him, dude. | ||
| He's my little dumpling. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I'm allowed to say that, man. | ||
| I'm allowed to say that because I used to own Bobby. | ||
| I bought him for a month. | ||
| How much did it cost? | ||
| 65 grand. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| Could you do anything? | ||
| Would you have to feed him? | ||
| He doesn't really require that much food. | ||
| Then when does he get to own you? | ||
| That's part of the deal, right? | ||
| He owns you for a month now? | ||
| Ten years later, yeah. | ||
| Ten years later, he owns you for a whole month. | ||
| He owns me for a month, yeah. | ||
| But then he's going to be stewing on it for ten years. | ||
| Imagine if people really did do that. | ||
| They just decided, okay, you can own me for one month, and I'll do whatever the fuck you want, but then I own you for one month ten years from now. | ||
| That's a great movie, by the way. | ||
| That's a crazy deal. | ||
| You've got to hope the guy stays alive. | ||
| Meanwhile, like, nine years later, the dude's just drinking and chain-smoking, trying to kill himself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trying to kill himself. | |
| Because he doesn't want to be your slave for a month. | ||
| That would be, like, indentured servitude, right? | ||
| Mostly was people that were too poor to make journeys or too poor to do something, so they would give up a certain amount of, like, they would make a contract. | ||
| Like, they would work for someone for a certain amount of time, right? | ||
| That's essentially how it was set up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, that's basically like that, right? | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Basically saying like – But it's – yeah. | ||
| Is it like a – I mean, I guess the conditions probably varied. | ||
| You know, one of the grossest ones I ever saw was Vice did a piece about Dubai, I believe it was, and about some people who are unscrupulous construction people. | ||
| People would take these folks in from third world countries and promise them all this money to work there. | ||
| And then they take their passports away from them and then pay them a fraction of what they're supposed to pay for them. | ||
| So they're trapped. | ||
| And they were living in squalor. | ||
| They're trapped. | ||
| They don't have their passport anymore. | ||
| They're in the wrong country. | ||
| Human trafficking is what it is. | ||
| I mean, that's the same as when they do to these young girls. | ||
| They have these girls come over to the United States. | ||
| I think it was a documentary on Netflix about these young Russian models, and they give these girls modeling contracts. | ||
| They live in a four-bedroom apartment, two girls to a room, and they essentially fuck them around for a little while with small little weird maybe random gigs, and then they're like, hey, if you want to make more money... | ||
| You could always sell your body or sell pictures of you nude. | ||
| Makes way more money. | ||
| And they think it's kind of part of this modeling thing. | ||
| And this is like a constant... | ||
| I think it was on Netflix. | ||
| But it was all about these girls getting trapped. | ||
| And they can't go back. | ||
| They don't have enough money. | ||
| And these modeling agencies or these manager agencies, they're, well, we have to keep your money and we'll give you like a salary, so to speak. | ||
| We pay your rent. | ||
| We'll give you food. | ||
| It sounds horrible. | ||
| But if it was dudes, I wouldn't care at all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| It was true. | ||
| It was these five handsome guys who came over from Russia looking to get some pussy and drive Ferraris, but it wasn't really working out for them. | ||
| They're like, get a job. | ||
| Get a job. | ||
| It's what you get, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Loser. | |
| The fuck did you think was going to happen? | ||
| You're just going to get pussy and Ferraris? | ||
| Get out of here, bro. | ||
| I'm good looking. | ||
| I thought this would make me famous. | ||
| Listen, I'm sorry. | ||
| I can't get you any modeling gigs, but if you want to make some money, fuck this old lady. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| What's up? | ||
| How much? | ||
| How much? | ||
| Two grand for me to fuck her? | ||
| Two grand. | ||
| You fucked that old lady. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's all you got to do. | ||
| Do I have to come or just hang with her for a while? | ||
| She's gotta come. | ||
| She has to? | ||
| She has to. | ||
| I have to work with her till she come? | ||
| Yes, you gotta work with her. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You gotta be a good actor. | ||
| But no eating pussy. | ||
| I can't do that. | ||
| Oh, you have to eat a pussy. | ||
| I have to? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Three grand. | ||
| They don't even shave. | ||
| Old ladies, they gave up. | ||
| Okay, so eat Harry Bush for two grand. | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
| Three grand. | ||
| Three grand, I will do this. | ||
| I mean, imagine. | ||
| Right? | ||
| How much sympathy would you have for that guy? | ||
| Did you ever watch the show Gigolos that was on Showtime? | ||
| I didn't, but I know Schaub watched it. | ||
| I know Tom and Christina loved it. | ||
| They talked about it a lot. | ||
| Why is it off? | ||
| That's Schaub right there on the right. | ||
| Why did it get canceled? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They just think it ran its course. | ||
| It was on for like seven. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Six seasons? | |
| No, it was not on for six seasons. | ||
| Your mom's house interviewed one of the guys, I believe. | ||
| By the way, every TV show I've done has only gone for like two years, but Gigolos gets six seasons. | ||
| That's the state of television. | ||
| Jesus Christ, that is crazy. | ||
| That's a very good tell. | ||
| By the way, there's not a lot of these... | ||
| This whole culture of male gigolos, I think they said percentage-wise, it's unbelievably smaller, these guys that get into the gigolo world and stay. | ||
| They get in, they get out. | ||
| Most women that get into sex work... | ||
| Lasts significantly longer than these dudes. | ||
| Way, way longer. | ||
| For varied reasons. | ||
| But I think the gigolo thing is kind of like a moment in a man's life where he's like, I want to fucking try it. | ||
| Some young, fun-loving, free-for-all that's open-minded. | ||
| I'll just give it a whirl. | ||
| Then he gets right out. | ||
| I don't think that happens for girls. | ||
| At all. | ||
| I think women stay in sex work. | ||
| Would you feel bad for some dude who was working as a gigolo and his pimp was Suge Knight? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And his pimp was making him go out there and eat that pussy. | ||
| You gotta make that money. | ||
| That's the website for it. | ||
| I bet this guy writes really good poetry. | ||
| This guy, what's going on? | ||
| Oh, I know Vin Armani. | ||
| What's going on with him? | ||
| He works at the coffee shop around the corner from my house. | ||
| Why is he wearing a shirt like that? | ||
| That's just how it's his look, dude. | ||
| Bradley Lourdes. | ||
| Nick Hawk. | ||
| Hey man, I ain't hating. | ||
| If you can sling dick and get paid, good luck to you. | ||
| Look, some people... | ||
| Yeah, do it. | ||
| Some people out there are working as a masseuse that do not like touching people. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Tell me how much different that is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a bummer. | |
| That's a bummer, though. | ||
| How much different is that than being able to be a guy and wear nice shirts like that and occasionally got to bang bras you don't want to? | ||
| Wear nice shirts like that? | ||
| Is that so horrible? | ||
| Look, you get some nice European... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that so horrible? | |
| No! | ||
| The world could be worse. | ||
| Do you remember Richard Gere? | ||
| Wasn't he a gigolo in one of his movies? | ||
| Didn't he have a movie called Gigolo where he'd bang old ladies? | ||
| I don't know if it was called Gigolo, but yeah. | ||
| I think it was called Gigolo. | ||
| American Gigolo. | ||
| American Gigolo, that's right. | ||
| College boy. | ||
| You must have loved this shit, didn't you? | ||
| Yeah, you know it. | ||
| Richard Gere was out there banging ladies. | ||
| Here's what they don't tell you. | ||
| Most of that money in that Gigolo world is sucking dick, okay? | ||
| If you want to go out there and suck that dick, you can make that money. | ||
| But if you just want to bang old ladies... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Look at the difference. | ||
| That's when he was young. | ||
| That's when he was how old? | ||
| Got to be like 22, 23? | ||
| He was pretty young and handsome. | ||
| And then Father Time done fucking mollywopped him. | ||
| Father Time got him. | ||
| Marvin Hagler on Thomas Hearns. | ||
| Third round! | ||
| I remember when he went on stage in New York after 9-11. | ||
| Who did? | ||
| Richard Gere did. | ||
| And was trying to tell the audience that they should choose love. | ||
| Where on stage? | ||
| He was on stage at some sort of a benefit. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| For 9-11? | ||
| It was right after 9-11. | ||
| And he was saying, essentially, that... | ||
| You know, great message. | ||
| At the time, people were just bloodthirsty. | ||
| They booed him. | ||
| They're like, fuck you. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| He's basically saying, let's not have military action. | ||
| More people shouldn't die because of some things these people did to us. | ||
| He's saying, try to figure out a different way to do this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he's a Buddhist, I believe. | ||
| I mean, he's really close pals with the Dalai Lama. | ||
| Yeah, but in the interest of... | ||
| Talking about what we're talking about, revenge means a lot. | ||
| It's kind of hard to tell America to not get revenge on somebody. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We love revenge. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| We love getting back people that try to fuck with us. | ||
| Even if we go way deeper than they did. | ||
| We're warlike monkeys. | ||
| Yeah, we love it. | ||
| When we think we're being attacked, like retribution and revenge is what we were just talking about earlier, about chimps. | ||
| Chimps do that, too. | ||
| Yeah, natural. | ||
| It's nature. | ||
| It's nature. | ||
| You want to get revenge, you motherfuckers. | ||
| Like, we were talking about that guy who got ripped apart by the chimp who went to bring a birthday cake. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| It's the other chimps that did it because they were jealous. | ||
| They were angry. | ||
| They were jealous that one chip got a birthday cake and they didn't get shit and someone fucked up and left the gate open. | ||
| And they came out and fucked that dude up. | ||
| They ripped his limbs off. | ||
| They tore his face part. | ||
| Just because he didn't bring cake for them. | ||
| Were they female chimps? | ||
| No, they were male. | ||
| Where's my cake?! | ||
| Losing it. | ||
| Cake must be so good. | ||
| Must have been good-ass fucking cake, dude. | ||
| To a chimp that doesn't understand what cake is. | ||
| Like, how the fuck did you do this? | ||
| But they do understand what cake is. | ||
| Right, well, they understand it once you get it to them. | ||
| The gem. | ||
| Yeah, that's like a powerful orb you brought. | ||
| Did I tell you when we were in Costa Rica? | ||
| And there's monkeys everywhere there. | ||
| It's crazy, cool-ass monkeys, but they're a little sketchy. | ||
| I know, I got married down there. | ||
| Oh, you did? | ||
| In Costa Rica, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they're out of their fucking mind. | ||
| We were hanging out with them, and there's a thing called a Coatamundae. | ||
| You know what that is? | ||
| No. | ||
| They look like a raccoon monkey thing. | ||
| It's a weird creature. | ||
| A runky. | ||
| And we were staying at this resort, and they would just come right down the pathway to where your door to your room was, and they'd just hang out with you, like these Coatamundes, just hang out. | ||
| You could feed them grapes and shit. | ||
| They would take them right out of your hands. | ||
| But no danger at all. | ||
| They were super chill and friendly. | ||
| So we gave this Coatamundi some grapes, and then he laid down and took a nap under my chair. | ||
| I just took a fucking nap. | ||
| It's like a dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was like a dog. | |
| The most chilled dog of all time. | ||
| I'm like, God damn, these things are cool. | ||
| We were just sitting there. | ||
| I go, go ahead, buddy. | ||
| Take a nap. | ||
| You're safe here. | ||
| I gave him some grapes and shit. | ||
| That's why people want chimps at their house. | ||
| People love the idea of having them. | ||
| So the monkeys came over and we only had... | ||
| That's what a Coatamundae looks like. | ||
| Dude, they're the shit. | ||
| They're such cool little animals. | ||
| It does kind of look raccoonish. | ||
| My daughters gave them a fake name. | ||
| They were calling them a Kinkachu. | ||
| They just decided to call it a Kinkachu. | ||
| That's more fun. | ||
| Kinkachu sounds. | ||
| They made their own word up, I think. | ||
| I don't think that's a real word. | ||
| Kawatamunde. | ||
| But that little guy was so cool. | ||
| Such an interesting little fella. | ||
| When you just would gently take grapes right out of your hand. | ||
| Gently. | ||
| Like the most chilled dog of all time. | ||
| So anyway, we were out of grapes and these monkeys showed up. | ||
| And they're like hanging out, like looking, like, what do you got for us? | ||
| These guys. | ||
| They're looking hungry. | ||
| No, real monkeys. | ||
| Oh, monkey monkeys. | ||
| That's not a monkey. | ||
| That's like a, I don't know what that is. | ||
| I don't know what a Kawatamunde is. | ||
| What family is it? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Anyway, we gave these, uh, we were like, I don't know if we should give these monkeys these Oreos. | ||
| It's kind of fucked up. | ||
| Like, it's not good for them. | ||
| And then I looked at one of them and only had one hand. | ||
| I'm like, well, that's not good for them either. | ||
| And they're getting their fucking hand bit off. | ||
| So I gave him, I gave him, he snatched it from me and he opened it up and then started chewing the white stuff off. | ||
| Just like the cream? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| He's one of us. | ||
| But he already knew about it. | ||
| He knew, dude. | ||
| He's probably been getting Oreos for his whole life. | ||
| For a long time. | ||
| From people that stay at the resort. | ||
| He knows the trick, dude. | ||
| He eats the outside of Pop-Tarts. | ||
| He knew what the fuck to do. | ||
| They're all open-air houses you rent on the beach. | ||
| Everything's pretty open, except for the bedroom is the only thing that's closed off. | ||
| And they had latch locks, padlocks on the refrigerator. | ||
| And I was like, why do you guys lock that up? | ||
| And they're like, the monkeys know how to get into all that shit. | ||
| They know how to open the door and they know how to get in the drawers. | ||
| He's like, dude, they know how to open up egg cartons. | ||
| They know how to open the lid and take eggs and close the lid. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| He's like, they're that smart. | ||
| So in the middle of the night, the first night that we were there... | ||
| I hear the gate kind of rustling, and then I hear movement, and I'm like, someone's in the fucking house, because it's on the beach, it's wide open, so of course I like grab something, it's the biggest thing I could find next to me, and I'm out there, I'm like, hey! | ||
| Hey! | ||
| You know, like a nutbag in my fucking house, I'm yelling, of course I look, they're just monkeys chilling, trying to like get shit. | ||
| In the house. | ||
| They're trying to find shit laying around. | ||
| Food, drinks, whatever it was. | ||
| And of course I go back to bed and every night I would hear them come and go. | ||
| But you'd hear them try the refrigerator. | ||
| You'd hear them pulling on it to see if the latch was, like if we left it unlocked. | ||
| They're smart. | ||
| They learn all the little tricks of where you put stuff. | ||
| Cabinets, I could hear cabinets opening and closing. | ||
| Yeah, they were smart, man. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| It's like a little person. | ||
| It is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Almost. | |
| A little sneaky. | ||
| Yeah, it is a little person. | ||
| A little sneaky fuck. | ||
| And they put purposely up in this place that I was at, they purposely string wire from house to house to house. | ||
| So the monkeys kind of had freedom to go up above because if they would go down by the road, it would cause more traffic and disturbances and all that stuff. | ||
| So they keep them up in the canopy. | ||
| So they put rope purposely house to house and tree to tree. | ||
| That humans put up so they have easier pathways to get down to the water. | ||
| Because they say when they're down on the ground, it's more distracting. | ||
| It's a lot harder to drive. | ||
| They create little messes down below. | ||
| So if they keep them up high, it's better for them. | ||
| It was crazy, man. | ||
| What a wild little creature that can swing from tree to tree. | ||
| They fly up into the treetops like that. | ||
| Just got them hanging from shit. | ||
| They're almost like people. | ||
| Sometimes I'd see one just hanging and it'd be staring right at you. | ||
| But they're almost like people. | ||
| They're right fucking there. | ||
| Well, the weirdest thing is that if evolution is happening all the time, look at this little monkey. | ||
| Look, is this him breaking into a house? | ||
| Yeah, watch. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Watch how smart. | ||
| Look, give me those chips. | ||
| I love these fucking chips. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| It looks like he's looking right at the person, too. | ||
| Yeah, he is. | ||
| And he just takes off with the chips. | ||
| Dude, they know which ones they... | ||
| He needs to just feed them. | ||
| They know which ones they like. | ||
| Just be nice to the guys. | ||
| Just be nice to them. | ||
| What happens if you feed them? | ||
| You can't... | ||
| No, they tell you not to feed them. | ||
| What happens? | ||
| Because, well, then they know to keep coming back and where they can get food. | ||
| What if you like monkeys? | ||
| No, they say if they... | ||
| And they say if you don't... | ||
| When you stop feeding them after you've fed them enough, then they start to get aggressive. | ||
| So then you shoot one. | ||
| And you send a clear message. | ||
| Send a message, right? | ||
| And then they all come back and kill you. | ||
| You pull out a fucking 12-gauge and you blow the little face off one of those cunts. | ||
| And you make your drug pouch. | ||
| And you go, hey, you guys want free food. | ||
| You'll get it, but you get it on my terms. | ||
| My terms, monkey. | ||
| And then you go back inside. | ||
| You just described the plot for Planet of the Apes. | ||
| It's literally like the plot for Planet of the Apes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You get them hooked. | |
| You get them hooked. | ||
| Yeah, you bait them. | ||
| Get them hooked on food. | ||
| Yeah, you bait them. | ||
| There's a lot of places like that where animals are dependent on people. | ||
| They're dependent on people to feed them. | ||
| And it's a little squirrely. | ||
| There's a place in, I think it's Jamaica, where people swim with wild pigs. | ||
| The Bahamas, yeah, I've seen it. | ||
| Now, wild pigs generally avoid people. | ||
| They don't want to have anything to do with you. | ||
| And they're dangerous. | ||
| They're sketchy. | ||
| Yeah, wild boars are nuts. | ||
| Yeah, but in this place, people have been feeding these things for so long. | ||
| They have trips, like tourist trips, where people fly in, feed these pigs, and swim around with them. | ||
| So they've got wild pigs that are constantly being fed by people. | ||
| But a friend of a friend went there, and someone they were with got bit. | ||
| Oh yeah, I've heard they bite. | ||
| It bit them in the ass. | ||
| One of the pigs bit them in the ass. | ||
| And it was because they didn't have any food or something like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They didn't offer them anything? | ||
| You have to keep feeding them throughout the whole thing. | ||
| It tells you all about it. | ||
| That they get really ornery and they get really annoyed. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Just drown it. | ||
| Just put it right under. | ||
| No, bro. | ||
| Bacon. | ||
| They're strong. | ||
| No, they are. | ||
| You can't fuck with those things. | ||
| It's a creepy animal because they're beautiful and they're sweet. | ||
| Pigs are a weird one. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Look, I'm a dog lover. | ||
| I love dogs. | ||
| Pigs are almost like a dog and maybe smarter. | ||
| Close. | ||
| Well, they're probably definitely smarter. | ||
| But they like the way they react to people. | ||
| If you feed them and you're their friend, you become their buddy. | ||
| Are you against eating them? | ||
| No. | ||
| But also, look, because I've killed them. | ||
| I know, they're delicious. | ||
| I've killed wild ones. | ||
| But wild ones are different, man. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because they're out there hustling, okay? | ||
| They're not in this fucking pen getting slop all day trying to fatten them up. | ||
| It's hard to get fat out there. | ||
| It's a much more lean meat out there. | ||
| They're much leaner, but they're also vicious, man. | ||
| They grow these giant tusks. | ||
| They have these big fucking fangs. | ||
| And the crazy thing is, they're the same species as the domestic pig. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's the same animal. | ||
| Just one's pampered and one's not. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Have you ever seen javelinas? | ||
| Do you know what javelinas are? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's a peccary. | ||
| It looks like a pig. | ||
| It looks just like a pig. | ||
| That was when I first moved to Arizona. | ||
| I saw one, and I was like, oh, what the fuck is that thing? | ||
| And my buddy was like, no, no, no, don't go to... | ||
| They'll come right at you. | ||
| They will fucking go for your legs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bad. | |
| Because they're real low to the ground. | ||
| But he's like, they'll start spearing you, and they'll come at your legs. | ||
| And one time I was valeting in college, and I was up way up in the mountain, and it's some dude's, you know, some huge private residence, and there were packs of... | ||
| I mean, packs of them. | ||
| And I could hear them rustling around, and they were like positioning themselves because... | ||
| We were parking cars where they were living. | ||
| And I was like, we can't park cars up there. | ||
| You can tell they started to get aggressive and jumping and diving at the cars. | ||
| Yeah, they were getting fucking annoyed, man. | ||
| I was like, we can't go back up there. | ||
| We're going to get fucked up by these little bullshit pigs. | ||
| You know where Stanhope lives out in Bisbee, which is real close to the border. | ||
| They have them all over the place out there. | ||
| Yeah, they're everywhere. | ||
| They killed one of his friend's dog. | ||
| They do kill dogs. | ||
| Well, they're known to kill cats more, but yeah, they do kill dogs too. | ||
| Because dogs are about, depending on the size of your dog, some dogs could fuck those things up because they're not that big. | ||
| But they're known to murder cats. | ||
| It was a small dog. | ||
| It's a small dog, I think, and I think they flanked it and just came at it from the sides and ripped it apart. | ||
| They ripped apart a dog, bro. | ||
| What do you do when something like that kills your dog? | ||
| Are you out with a shotgun trying to find the rest of them? | ||
| Dude, I was trying to kill coyotes after they ate my chickens, and I don't give... | ||
| I mean, I love chickens. | ||
| Like, they're cute. | ||
| They're my friends. | ||
| But when they died, a couple of them died of just natural causes. | ||
| I'd be like, oh, poor little guy. | ||
| But if my dog died, it'd be really sad. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's a different... | ||
| It's a different relationship. | ||
| It's way different. | ||
| So when these coyotes killed my chickens, I sat out there on the porch with a bow and a rangefinder waiting to fuck them up for days. | ||
| I even tied one of the dead chickens that they killed to a pot that you would plant things in. | ||
| What are you doing, Jamie? | ||
| That you plant things in, and I sat it in the middle of the yard as bait, and I sat up there waiting. | ||
| And one of them came, and my daughter screamed out, a coyote! | ||
| And I'm like, god damn, we've got a teacher how to hunt. | ||
| Like, I had that motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dad! | |
| Dad! | ||
| It was inside of 40 yards, and he was creeping in. | ||
| I was like, all I had to do was get to my spot. | ||
| And I would have probably got a shot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How, 40 yards? | ||
| That's how far away he was? | ||
| He was at 40 yards when my daughter screamed. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Well, then he definitely freaked out. | ||
| Fuck this. | ||
| So I stayed up there for a few hours longer. | ||
| What's the furthest that you feel comfortable hitting a target? | ||
| That's a little target. | ||
| You know, there's a difference between something... | ||
| That's the size of a coyote. | ||
| A coyote is only like... | ||
| They're not big. | ||
| Their body might be like... | ||
| A foot? | ||
| A foot and a half? | ||
| A foot and a half. | ||
| Yeah, they're not big at all. | ||
| Yeah, they're tiny. | ||
| From top to bottom. | ||
| So if you're trying to hit them in the vitals, you don't have a lot to aim at. | ||
| It's a very small dot. | ||
| Yeah, you'd want to be fairly close. | ||
| I think about that all the time. | ||
| With a rifle, you could shoot them easy. | ||
| Well, that's something totally different. | ||
| If you're trying to kill them. | ||
| I only grew up shooting rifles. | ||
| I never shot a gun until I was... | ||
| In my 20s. | ||
| But rifles, I was so used to shooting, I got so accustomed to shooting it. | ||
| And then I tried a bow once, and that was unbelievably fucking hard. | ||
| You should learn. | ||
| It'd be fun for you. | ||
| You can always come here and practice. | ||
| I'll come. | ||
| Next time John Dudley comes into town, I'll have him hook you up. | ||
| Come teach me, yeah. | ||
| You'd love it, man. | ||
| Not even, like, to go hunting, but just to shoot targets. | ||
| It's really fun. | ||
| I do like guns, though. | ||
| That game out there... | ||
| I do, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That game out there that I have, that... | ||
| The techno hunt game? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Dude, once you get into that and start playing that, and you're shooting at the screen, yeah, it's so fun. | ||
| Once you're fucking good at it. | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| I had Corey Anderson, UFC light heavyweight. | ||
| He's a bow hunter. | ||
| I had him here the other day, and he was playing it. | ||
| Is he good? | ||
| He's really good. | ||
| But you could tell, he practiced. | ||
| He's a fucking elite athlete. | ||
| Of course he's going to be good at bow hunting. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| He's also a fighter, so he's got this disciplined mindset, and he's just on the ball. | ||
| But you could say right away when you're playing, it was like, oh my god, this is so addictive. | ||
| I'm like, this is the most addictive game of all time! | ||
| Once you start it, it's hard to let it go. | ||
| If you're an actual bowhunter, you only get to shoot a thing, like... | ||
| A couple times a year. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, if you're going a lot, if you're going a lot, like the idea that you're going to shoot a lot of, like, if you're some Remy Warren type character or Cameron Haynes, yeah, you'll shoot a bunch of deer a year and you live off those. | ||
| That's what he does though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if you're a regular person, how many deer do you think you're going to find? | ||
| How many deer do you think you're going to sneak up on? | ||
| If you're lucky, one or two a year. | ||
| Yeah, one. | ||
| So the moment when it happens, it's such a big moment. | ||
| You're like, fuck, here it is, here it is. | ||
| You're trying to stay calm, trying to stay calm. | ||
| But with that thing, you're shooting at them all the time. | ||
| It's just fun. | ||
| So it's in your head. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So what I'm seeing is this animal moves, it moves into the pocket, boom, the release, pop, and it hits it perfect. | ||
| And you see it over and over and over and over and over again. | ||
| So what you learn from martial arts or what you learn from stand-up, it's the same thing that applies to bowhunting. | ||
| It's about repetition. | ||
| The more you can do it and the more you see it over and over and over again, the more that pattern becomes in your mind. | ||
| So for a guy like Corey or someone like me who bowhunts, that game is like, holy shit, this is what I've been looking for. | ||
| See a real animal walk into range. | ||
| Because you always want to be ethical, right? | ||
| You want to be able to shoot the right animal. | ||
| You want to be able to hit it exactly where you want, where it expires very quickly. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The best way to do that is repetitions. | ||
| So this game is just super addictive. | ||
| What's the game called? | ||
| It's called Techno Hunt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Techno Hunt. | |
| And you score against each other. | ||
| So if you and I were playing, you'd give 10 points for a bullseye, 8 points for the vitals. | ||
| You'd get like 5 points for a body shot. | ||
| Are headshots worth it? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| It would have to be a very small animal. | ||
| Something about headshots, playing gun games, first-person shooter games, over the years, headshots are always the most rewarded thing. | ||
| Like, oh, headshot. | ||
| But you don't want to do that with an animal. | ||
| You do if you have a rifle and you want it to die instantaneously. | ||
| And it's the way they do it that some hunters that are chefs do it. | ||
| Hunters who are chefs... | ||
| There's two different kinds of hunters, right? | ||
| There's hunters that eat the meat, but they want to shoot a mature animal, because that's what everybody strives for. | ||
| If you're a skilled hunter, like if you're a Steven Rinella or someone like that, what you're trying to get is an old, wise animal that's already spread its DNA. Yeah. | ||
| And it's mature, and it's probably the end of its breeding cycle. | ||
| That's what a guy like that wants. | ||
| He's like the ultimate hunter, right? | ||
| What he wants is the most fair chase. | ||
| He never hunts in high fence operations. | ||
| the most fair chase, the wildest animal, and he wants to get the oldest, maturest one. | ||
| But then there's chefs, and chefs believe, some of them do, it's very debatable, that the younger animals taste better than the older animals. | ||
| So they're not trying to get an old, mature animal, they're trying to get a young, tender animal that isn't fully muscled up and worn out with age. | ||
| Yeah, you want some still tenderness to it, some softness to the muscle. | ||
| But then there's people like Hank Shaw, who's also a world-famous chef, who's also a hunter, who prefers older animals because he thinks there's flavor to them and there's life to them, like their aging and all their life experience that comes out, if you cook them correctly, it just requires a different sort of preparation. | ||
| It's kind of like young women versus older women. | ||
| Young women have a lot of positives about them, but older women have just as many positives about them. | ||
| Older women that like to work out. | ||
| There's more flavor. | ||
| That's what you want. | ||
| You want a chick who's like 36 plus who hits the gym every day. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I've had this conversation about the whole, like, if we stop working out, it's over. | ||
| I say if we stop exercising and caring about our health, it's over. | ||
| That's what you said. | ||
| Fact. | ||
| No, I mean, I wanted my lawyer, as a joke, to sign a document that says if we get fat, it's like free and clear. | ||
| Gone. | ||
| But I mean it. | ||
| If she gets fat, out. | ||
| If I get fat, she should be out. | ||
| If either of us break this thing that we're doing together. | ||
| What if it brings you closer? | ||
| That she gets fat? | ||
| You don't have to worry about body image anymore. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| You just let yourself go. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Fuck that shit. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| You're shaming right now. | ||
| Will you realize it or not? | ||
| I know you don't want to shame, but you're doing it. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Joe, you fat fuck. | ||
| I can't believe you. | ||
| I just think we've made a bond together. | ||
| We've made a pact where we're like, we both want to stay relatively healthy and take care of ourselves. | ||
| So in our older years, my parents are both in really great shape because they've cared their whole lives. | ||
| Not to a point of not having fun. | ||
| They still have a great fucking time. | ||
| But just stay consistent with caring about what you put in your body and the way you work out. | ||
| Simple shit. | ||
| So yeah, if she gets fat, bye. | ||
| If I get fat, she's bye too. | ||
| If I get fucking fat, she's gone. | ||
| She even said it. | ||
| She was like, I'll leave your fat ass. | ||
| Being fat is such a weird one that people call people fat who aren't fat. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean fucking huge. | ||
| I know, but I'm just saying, as an insult, it's such a weird one. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Because girls will call girls fat. | ||
| Like that fat bitch. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| That girl's not fat. | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| It's a dig. | ||
| It's another gig. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You fat fuck. | |
| Look at you, you fat fuck. | ||
| Guys who say that to guys that barely have any fat on them. | ||
| Fat fuck. | ||
| Eat another cheeseburger, Jamie, you fat fuck. | ||
| Fat fuck. | ||
| It's an easy dig. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's an easy insult. | ||
| Dude, I had a girl call me fat. | ||
| There's a video of it online. | ||
| A girl calling me fat at the comedy store and I pull up my shirt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Recently? | |
| My six pack. | ||
| No, like a long time ago. | ||
| Now I go, okay, you're just crazy. | ||
| But I was like, why am I fat? | ||
| Like, where are you coming up with that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're fucking, you're fat. | |
| It's a weird thing, the fact that the body can carry excess tissue. | ||
| It's a mistake. | ||
| Like, I get it, it's a good way to store fuel. | ||
| But when it gets to a point, like, why are you still hungry? | ||
| What kind of shitty system do we have that you're this big and you're still hungry? | ||
| Your body should say, hey, bro, bro, bro, bro! | ||
| We got the fuel! | ||
| But it does. | ||
| But your body's working off carbohydrates. | ||
| That's a problem. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it's not burning fat. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's why that whole ketogenic diet works, as much as people don't like to think that it does. | ||
| I know. | ||
| There's so much controversy about that, like from non-scientists, which is hilarious. | ||
| If you talk to actual scientists like Dom D'Agostino, who talked to you about the peer-reviewed research... | ||
| That's been done on ketogenic states and all the different benefits and how it could be healthy and how he does it and ketone esters and all these different factors you have to take into consideration. | ||
| Ketone testing and blood testing. | ||
| There's all these knuckleheads saying it's bad for you. | ||
| It's not a good idea. | ||
| Like, Julian Michaels, like, it's not a good idea. | ||
| You better stop. | ||
| People are losing hundreds of pounds! | ||
| It's a normal state. | ||
| It's a normal state for your body to burn fat. | ||
| And you have more clarity. | ||
| And you also, you're not as hungry. | ||
| You're not as hungry during the day. | ||
| My problem with it is, I don't think it's the best thing for performance. | ||
| I think, like, you have a little bit more energy if you burn glucose, too. | ||
| Because even, like... | ||
| The top, there's Zach Bitter. | ||
| What did he win, the American? | ||
| He ran 100 miles in like 11 hours around a track. | ||
| These guys, they could do this shit. | ||
| Some crazy record. | ||
| Two miles and I need to chill for a minute. | ||
| Some crazy record for... | ||
| 100 mile record, he broke 11 hours 40 minutes 55 seconds. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Seven minute miles. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Seven minute miles. | ||
| Seven minute miles. | ||
| For a hundred fucking miles. | ||
| Now, he is on primarily a carnivore diet. | ||
| All meat. | ||
| All meat. | ||
| Ribeyes. | ||
| And barely any... | ||
| Meat and fat. | ||
| Barely any greens, right? | ||
| Barely any greens. | ||
| But then when he competes, he takes a lot of glucose. | ||
| He'll take glucose gel, like those gels. | ||
| Yeah, the gel packets. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen those. | ||
| Yeah, those that runners use. | ||
| He pounds in that shit, pounds in the carbs, so he can burn that off, too. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because he's living off fat and protein. | ||
| But when he competes, he doesn't do that. | ||
| And I think that's the key. | ||
| You're saying when he competes, he does use the glucose, but when he's done competing, he doesn't fuck with it. | ||
| Then he goes back to putting his body in a fat-burning state. | ||
| Pure carnivore diets are kind of crazy, though. | ||
| Just meat with nothing else? | ||
| It's all they eat, man. | ||
| I know what you need. | ||
| Jordan Peterson's done it now for over a year, and he released his blood work, or the results of his blood work, at least. | ||
| Everything's in range. | ||
| Everything's healthy. | ||
| But he takes supplemental vitamins to nothing. | ||
| No, he doesn't do anything. | ||
| He eats steak with salt on it, and he drinks water. | ||
| And I'm telling you, listen to me, man. | ||
| If he gets a Perrier with lime in it, he'll spit it out. | ||
| He doesn't want the lime in a fucking Perrier. | ||
| Nah, that's just fucking crazy. | ||
| That's too much, dude. | ||
| The guy lost 50 pounds. | ||
| 50 pounds? | ||
| 50 pounds. | ||
| Lost 50 pounds. | ||
| He had some serious immunological issues. | ||
| Immunological? | ||
| Is that a word? | ||
| Immunological? | ||
| Yeah, it sounds made up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He had serious immune deficiency? | ||
| He had immune deficiency. | ||
| Immunological? | ||
| But doesn't it sound fake? | ||
| It sounds phony, yeah. | ||
| It sounds fake. | ||
| Immunology is a word. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Immunology, yeah. | ||
| I know, but immunological sounds like bullshit. | ||
| It sounds like... | ||
| You took two words and put them together. | ||
| It's a fake sophistication right there. | ||
| Sophistication. | ||
| It's some serious issues. | ||
| And it helped. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Also suffered from depression. | ||
| All that stuff. | ||
| Look, a lot of what they think that... | ||
| A lot of the issues that people suffer from, they suffer because of inflammation. | ||
| And when scientists are studying things like the carnivore diet, what... | ||
| What's striking to them almost more than the fact that you're just eating meat is that you're not eating all these other things. | ||
| And so that in giving your body only one food source to deal with, sometimes your body can eliminate a lot of the issues that it has. | ||
| And it also mimics some of the benefits of fasting. | ||
| I'm too stupid to be really judging this. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, I'm listening to all of it, so I'm fucking dumb, too. | ||
| He had like receding gums. | ||
| He had some serious gum issue that all went away. | ||
| All these things went away when he was on that carnivore diet for a year. | ||
| I don't eat like that. | ||
| I'm not saying eat like that. | ||
| I don't eat like that. | ||
| I just think there's got to be a balance. | ||
| I think some people may work with that, right? | ||
| But they'll also tell you there's so many diets that people do that their blood doesn't line up with that diet. | ||
| It's not good for them, right? | ||
| Some people it just works with, right? | ||
| Some people can have higher intakes of red meat and other people it's really, really bad for their system just because of the way their blood is. | ||
| Well, some people are literally allergic to it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But like, my wife needs way more iron. | ||
| Like, needs, like, has to have it. | ||
| So whether it's supplemented by pills or by higher instances of meats with higher iron in it, has to. | ||
| I heard cum has a lot of vitamins in it and some iron. | ||
| I'm not, I can't produce anymore, man. | ||
| None. | ||
| I cut off my balls. | ||
| I turned them in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What did you, what caused you to turn them in? | ||
| What was the final straw? | ||
| It was this movement downtown LA. Were you embarrassed at your own gender? | ||
| Yeah, I went to the Me Too thing and I cut off my balls and I left them there. | ||
| I donated them. | ||
| If people started calling for that, if girls started calling for that, guys would do it. | ||
| Remove your nuts? | ||
| There's guys out there that would do it. | ||
| There's a certain kind of guy that would do it. | ||
| There's so many people. | ||
| If you called for guys to step out into the middle of the town square and cut their own balls off, at least a couple guys would show up. | ||
| I can name two dudes. | ||
| This is the world we live in. | ||
| There's a couple of dudes I know that would fucking do it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Just for like Twitter cred. | ||
| Yeah, just for some street. | ||
| Just for the retweets. | ||
| Just for some love from feminists. | ||
| This is how you are an ally, boys. | ||
| Learn. | ||
| Like your favorite shirts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Females kick ass. | ||
| Or what is it? | ||
| Women kick ass? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Girls kick ass. | |
| Girls kick ass, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, the idea of virtue signaling overt support for something, it's so see-through when you're like, I'm here for you girls. | ||
| It's so see-through. | ||
| God, it's such a crock of shit. | ||
| You can feel that way without yelling it all the time. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| What's the purpose? | ||
| Who are you reaching out? | ||
| What are you supporting? | ||
| What is happening here? | ||
| It's another instance of the echo chamber doing the whole... | ||
| supporting the thing that I don't think people are really... | ||
| I talk about it on stage about the word transphobic over like... | ||
| I understand the meaning, but I also think it's hyperbolized in essence of like there are these large groups of people that are against trans people. | ||
| I don't believe that whatsoever. | ||
| But there definitely are. | ||
| I think there's small groups of people that get a lot of attention. | ||
| I don't think there's massive... | ||
| Look, the KKK... Is significantly larger of a group than whatever group you want to formulate of transphobic nature. | ||
| I know a lot of people don't even know what that is, right? | ||
| I haven't done any statistical research. | ||
| Look how many KKK members there are in the United States. | ||
| How many think there are? | ||
| Tens of thousands. | ||
| Okay, how many people do you think that are super religious that don't believe in trans people or that don't think that they should be able to call themselves a woman? | ||
| I think most of those people don't care enough to call themselves part of that category. | ||
| They just disagree. | ||
| They go, I don't really like it. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| I think there's more of those than there are people that are adamantly against trans rights. | ||
| I think we have to take into consideration what we already said about guys willing to cut their balls off. | ||
| That there are guys like that. | ||
| Sure, there are some. | ||
| There are so many people in this country. | ||
| I guarantee you there's a lot of transphobic people. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Listen, man, if you read the comments, and I don't and I didn't, but someone told me that the comments on the Eddie Izzard Instagram post that I made were horrific. | ||
| But don't you think a lot of that is internet fodder? | ||
| See, that's my thing. | ||
| I think people like to say shit on the internet, even if they don't believe it, because they know that gets attention. | ||
| If they go, fuck, this fucking dude looks like a chick. | ||
| Well, I don't know what they said. | ||
| Maybe they were just making fun of the way he looks. | ||
| But you can assume what fucking people write on the internet about that issue. | ||
| They would just go, what's up with this fuck? | ||
| Oh, here, I'll give you an example. | ||
| I tweeted the other day about the Met Gala, Harry Styles. | ||
| I tweeted, he was wearing like, a lot of men were wearing like dresses at the Met Gala. | ||
| This was a whole thing. | ||
| And I tweeted, Tilda Swinton looked fire at the Met Gala. | ||
| Because he looked like Tilda Swinton. | ||
| Not because I'm saying like... | ||
| Who's Tilda Swinton? | ||
| She's a fucking actress who has short hair. | ||
| Right? | ||
| So, right. | ||
| That was him. | ||
| And I said, Tilda Swinton looked fire at the Met Gala. | ||
| Who is this gentleman that I'm looking at? | ||
| He's a pop star. | ||
| He's like part of... | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| One Direction. | ||
| He's part of One Direction. | ||
| What is happening with that shirt? | ||
| That's what he wore to the Met Gala. | ||
| What did you say, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a blouse. | |
| It's a blouse. | ||
| Shirts versus blouses. | ||
| Okay, here's the thing. | ||
| If you're going to one of those things, and you're going to stand in front of all these jackasses with cameras to take a picture, why not wear a fucking blouse? | ||
| That's his point. | ||
| I should wear a blouse. | ||
| But I said, Tilda Swinton looked fire, because when I saw the first image, his face kind of looked like Tilda Swinton. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I'm making the joke about... | ||
| What's a joke? | ||
| You're a comedian. | ||
| Well, dude, everyone was like... | ||
| You were very funny last night. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Everyone went after me. | ||
| Everyone was like... | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You fucking... | ||
| Nazi? | ||
| Are you a Nazi? | ||
| Well, here's my problem. | ||
| They go... | ||
| I think he's gay, right? | ||
| Is he gay, Jamie? | ||
| No, I think somebody told me they were like... | ||
| Leave him alone. | ||
| They were like, you're making fun of his sexuality. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| I can't make fun of people anymore for people? | ||
| I said, he looked like Tilda fucking Swinton. | ||
| Why are you reading comments? | ||
| Because I'm not as famous as you. | ||
| Just stop and think about the amount of people that had their balls. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That would just walk into that town square and cut their balls off to be an ally. | ||
| Now stop and think about those people commenting. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| And you're reading it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And you're allowing it to fuck with your head. | ||
| Sometimes I feed into it. | ||
| A lot of times I don't. | ||
| When do you not? | ||
| When I'm confident in whatever I posted. | ||
| That's interesting, right? | ||
| That joke I knew was going to be misinterpreted. | ||
| I knew when I wrote that, I go, someone will misinterpret this. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| That's why I still posted it. | ||
| But I read some shit sometimes if I go, I wonder if that was dumb or if that was cool. | ||
| Wouldn't it be fun if you could be half drunk all the time and never suffer any physical consequences? | ||
| Me? | ||
| You know, I'd love that. | ||
| Nothing would make me more happy. | ||
| I love drinking. | ||
| But with a half a buzz on. | ||
| You know that feeling when you get a half a buzz on? | ||
| It's my favorite thing in the world. | ||
| Like, ha. | ||
| No one can touch me. | ||
| Just feel good, you know? | ||
| Oh, I know that feeling. | ||
| Hanging out with your friends. | ||
| Having a buzz and not worried about it. | ||
| That's how alcoholism starts. | ||
| I think that was a lot of members of my family had half a buzz all the time. | ||
| Well, half a buzz all the time. | ||
| That would be a good place to be. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| How many drinks? | ||
| The good half or the bad half? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't control that. | |
| That feeling you get after that first glass of wine. | ||
| Why do you think people have wine at lunch? | ||
| I had sushi and some woman was drinking a bottle of wine by herself yesterday. | ||
| Is that legal? | ||
| Like if you work in an office and you have a glass... | ||
| Do they let you have a cocktail at lunch? | ||
| Totally. | ||
| It depends on where you work. | ||
| Listen, in our industry, entertainment industry, there's no fucking rules. | ||
| Well, obviously. | ||
| But I'm saying like a regular... | ||
| But do you remember the dude who used to run the Tempe Improv? | ||
| Didn't want you doing shots before you go on stage? | ||
| Yeah, no drinks before you... | ||
| He had a conversation with me about it. | ||
| He's like, do you really need that? | ||
| And I was like, hey, hey, listen to me. | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| I'm a professional. | ||
| I'm also an athlete. | ||
| I work out a lot. | ||
| I'll be fine. | ||
| I'm going to do this. | ||
| Tomorrow I'm going to go to the gym. | ||
| You want to work out with me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, shut the fuck up, man. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Just own the club, dude. | ||
| I'm not going to get so drunk I can't talk. | ||
| I'm having a shot before I perform. | ||
| If you became one of those guys, you would know. | ||
| Everybody knows. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| I know what I'm doing, okay? | ||
| And even if I have too many, if I have four or five instead of two, I'm going to be okay. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, I'm grown up. | ||
| I'm still figuring it out. | ||
| I'm not driving anywhere drunk. | ||
| I'm not doing anything stupid. | ||
| I'm working tonight. | ||
| In fact, there's nights where I've had a few because I've been sad about where I am. | ||
| Like, I'm at a club that I don't want to be at or something. | ||
| And I'll have a few too many. | ||
| But I'll get on stage and the first thing I think is, I still got to put on a show. | ||
| I still got to work hard. | ||
| But I'm a little drunk, but autopilot kicks in a little bit. | ||
| Sometimes, like, back in the day, if I was sad about the small, shitty room, it would just kick into the jokes I already knew were going to work. | ||
| And I was kind of going through the motions. | ||
| I was still delivering, but it was sad because you're like, I don't know if I'm enjoying this or I'm going through the motions. | ||
| If I'm just kind of like, hey, this is the joke, that's the joke, and my mind is just on a Rolodex of, like, this joke, spin, that joke. | ||
| Where now, I'm just at a happier place in my career that... | ||
| Now if I did get a little too drunk before I went on stage, I'd be genuinely nervous. | ||
| I'd be nervous about my performance level. | ||
| It's like, fuck, are they going to hear me slip up a little bit? | ||
| Because I'll feel it. | ||
| Because with great power comes great responsibility. | ||
| You have great power. | ||
| The bigger the rooms, the more... | ||
| You have great power. | ||
| Not me. | ||
| But the bigger the rooms get, the more I feel... | ||
| The more I feel more responsible to do even better than I have been doing. | ||
| Dude, you walked out on stage in San Diego in front of 13,000 people and owned that motherfucker. | ||
| It was fucking wild. | ||
| That was wild. | ||
| How many were I was doing in the round? | ||
| It was weird to do the round. | ||
| I... I don't know if I... I love it. | ||
| I don't know if I loved it or hated it, but it was this feeling of such uniqueness that I couldn't judge it in the moment. | ||
| Like, it was happening so fast. | ||
| There was no sitting on the stool in this 13,000 people. | ||
| There's no stagnancy. | ||
| You have to keep moving. | ||
| You're moving around. | ||
| The whole time. | ||
| Yeah, I liked it. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| Because the screens are so big and everybody could always see your face no matter where... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| 13,000 human beings. | ||
| That's a lot of fucking people, son. | ||
| It was very weird, dude. | ||
| By the way, I'm going to Denver. | ||
| When is that? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Jamie's giving me wrong directions. | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| Jamie just blurts things out. | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| Just takes chances. | ||
| 24th of September! | ||
| He's been slipping a little bit. | ||
| Have you noticed that, Joe? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was drunk. | |
| What's been going on, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's half drunk. | |
| He's half drunk all the time. | ||
| Are you half buzzed? | ||
| Oh, it's August 3rd. | ||
| August what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
23 and 24. August 23rd, I'm at the Belco Theater. | |
| How did you not know that, Jamie? | ||
| And I just belted that out. | ||
| And then... | ||
| You have the fucking computer. | ||
| August 9th, I'm in Portland. | ||
| And August 10th, I'm in the Bay Area at the Shoreline Amphitheater. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| You're going to have some fun, dude. | ||
| Fucking A. We go to Chicago. | ||
| I'm going to go with you to Chicago. | ||
| How fun was Austin? | ||
| Austin was a good guy. | ||
| Incredible. | ||
| That club is so good. | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| Capsody, you know. | ||
| One of the best clubs in the country. | ||
| That's like, I think doing those clubs, like doing weekends at clubs is real valuable. | ||
| That's, I got to, I'm going to book more of those. | ||
| You know, like it's great always to be working at the store and it's great when we're doing these big places in the road, but those clubs, there's something about, like have you done Zany's in Nashville? | ||
| Never done Zany's Nashville. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Zany's Chicago I've done. | ||
| Never done Nashville. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go. | |
| That place is a shit. | ||
| Did you see that the punchline in San Francisco is closing? | ||
| And so did the Parlor Live. | ||
| The Parlor Live is going down too. | ||
| The punchline is closing forever? | ||
| No. | ||
| Some people said they might move it or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Here's what's happening. | ||
| This is the real report. | ||
| I read an article again this morning because last night Ali Wong told me. | ||
| And I read the article that was posted this morning and it basically said they lost their lease. | ||
| They couldn't renew it because that building's getting bought out, basically. | ||
| So they are working diligently now to try to relocate the club. | ||
| So they just need to find a new location. | ||
| Yeah, but for the time being, it's going to be gone. | ||
| You know what I worry about? | ||
| I worry they're gonna go big, like they did with Cobbs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like, I used to do Cobbs when it was not... | ||
| I don't think it was 150 seats. | ||
| It was tiny. | ||
| Right, now it's like 450. It's giant. | ||
| It became the opposite of what it used to be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It used to be a place you would go, and you'd make less money, but you'd have more fun, because it was, like, real tight. | ||
| Everybody was, like, smashed into this place, and it was a legendary place. | ||
| That's punchline. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There it is, bro. | |
| That's punchline. | ||
| That's easily one of the best. | ||
| And I wanted to go back, which kind of sucks that it's going to be gone now. | ||
| The reason I love this club so much, so what you see is the stage and tables and behind us, which you can't see, is the bars in the back of the room, which is one of my favorite elements of a cool club. | ||
| You don't need to worry about people getting a drink to the side or the left behind you. | ||
| You can't hear an ice machine. | ||
| It's in the very back of the room and they do such a good job of hiding their noise and their distractions. | ||
| So it's all about the show. | ||
| They were fucking so good at it, man. | ||
| They're really good. | ||
| I hope they keep an intimate venue. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| Yeah, I love that room. | ||
| San Francisco needs an intimate venue. | ||
| Does San Francisco have a good comedy scene these days? | ||
| I hear a variant of stories. | ||
| I think a lot of people would say that it was better back a couple decades ago. | ||
| But I do think that when I go up there, when I have been up there, there's a lot of young people that are really good that are coming still out of Northern California. | ||
| But I mean, Cobbs and there used to be... | ||
| What is it, Green Onion? | ||
| No, the Purple Onion? | ||
| Purple Onion. | ||
| Yeah, that used to be there. | ||
| There was one more. | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| Why does it sound wrong? | ||
| I don't know, because I'm saying it. | ||
| It sounds wrong, right? | ||
| No, is it the Purple Onion? | ||
| Look up the Purple Onion. | ||
| I think you're right, but it's one of those things. | ||
| Yeah, where you're like... | ||
| The other thing we talked about earlier, it sounds wrong. | ||
| You're like, you made that up. | ||
| Immunological. | ||
| Immunological. | ||
| We're going to open up a club called the Immunological Purple Onion. | ||
| But I don't know shit about the fucking San Francisco scene anymore, because the only clubs that I've done, or the only things I've done are Punchline and I did Cobb's. | ||
| I think Zach Galifianakis did a special there. | ||
| Yeah, he did a special. | ||
| Live at the Purple Onion. | ||
| Yes, that's right. | ||
| That's a small place, too, right? | ||
| Purple Onion. | ||
| Yeah, it was tiny. | ||
| Tiny, tiny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that gone? | |
| That place is gone? | ||
| I think that's not there anymore. | ||
| So, for real intimate spots on the road, you still have Atlanta. | ||
| Atlanta's got one of the best places. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's the Purple Onion. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's gone, huh? | ||
| Tiny, gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| That was in 2012. Yeah, it was close in 2012. God, look how intimate it is. | ||
| Look how small it is. | ||
| The only other venue that's like that, that's small, like that still is like, you're talking about Laughing Skull is still small. | ||
| That's still tiny. | ||
| Yeah, that's real tiny. | ||
| What is that seat? | ||
| Like 90? | ||
| I think they said 90, yeah. | ||
| 100 if they're packed out. | ||
| Stuffing them in there. | ||
| I was in town doing something. | ||
| I went over there to watch Garland, to watch Jeff do Jeff's thing. | ||
| How was it? | ||
| Jeff is so unabashedly clear that he's just fucking around. | ||
| He was so obviously like, I'm going to fucking do this whole set about one guy. | ||
| And he picked a guy out of the audience, and he did the entire set about the guy. | ||
| And it was just like... | ||
| Him just fucking around. | ||
| He was having tons of fun. | ||
| He's a sweet guy. | ||
| He's hilarious, man. | ||
| His brain moves very fast in a way that I wouldn't anticipate, right? | ||
| For some reason, you're like, is he quick? | ||
| He's very quick. | ||
| He's a very cool, funny dude. | ||
| I like the dude. | ||
| But yeah, I haven't... | ||
| I don't know, I'm starting to do a few new clubs now, and the sizing is different, and I just... | ||
| I like to be able to do bigger places, but I love intimate venues, man. | ||
| There's no way to get that feeling of when you're... | ||
| It's all different, man. | ||
| There's no way to get that feeling of 13,000 people either. | ||
| Except for fucking that. | ||
| Yeah, that's a different feel. | ||
| It's all different, man. | ||
| It's all different. | ||
| It's all worth it. | ||
| Yeah, I think you've got to be on a steady diet of everything. | ||
| I think it's like you don't want to be just a carnivore and only do 13,000 seat arenas. | ||
| You don't want to be just... | ||
| Who is it? | ||
| Who's your carnivore? | ||
| Who is it? | ||
| Jordan Peterson? | ||
| Is that how it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's only one of them that I know. | ||
| I know several people that are on the carnivore diet. | ||
| I can't get in this shit because I still like bullshit. | ||
| I'm not going to not have ice cream once in a while. | ||
| I'm not going to not have a fucking couple of french fries. | ||
| I'm that guy. | ||
| I'm going to work out, but I'm also going to have and do what the fuck I want. | ||
| I just, I can't get on that train. | ||
| I suffered for a while doing a crazy diet. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| I did this, it's almost like circuit, like how circuit workout is. | ||
| It's like circuit dieting where it's like one week without. | ||
| Do you know what that is? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, you get rid of an element that's Kind of a vice, right? | ||
| Whether it's like... | ||
| And it's got to be a heavy vice, right? | ||
| Like it's like I have high amounts of sugar in my diet. | ||
| So it's like I do a week completely without sugar. | ||
| And then I do a week without meat. | ||
| And then I did a week without... | ||
| I don't know, fish or whatever. | ||
| I kept changing what it was to find how my body reacted to it. | ||
| And I fucking hated it. | ||
| I fucking hated it. | ||
| I was like I'm a much more balanced person up here in my work, in my writing, in my exercise, in my sleep, in my fuck life when I just get to eat what I want regimentedly. | ||
| That's a fake word? | ||
| Fuck life? | ||
| Regimentedly? | ||
| That's what I thought you were asking. | ||
| Fuck life is a better question. | ||
| Fuck life is the name of my new album. | ||
| That's a good... | ||
| Now, you should get that tattooed across your stomach. | ||
| Fuck life. | ||
| Fuck life. | ||
| I'm much better. | ||
| Why do you say fuck life? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I'm into the fuck life. | ||
| Fuck life. | ||
| The fuck life. | ||
| You know. | ||
| I'm into my fuck. | ||
| I'm the pump guy. | ||
| Fuck life. | ||
| Like thug life. | ||
| Regimentally. | ||
| See, that sounds fucking wrong. | ||
| Yeah, it does sound weird. | ||
| Regimentally, like I'm better off when I just balance. | ||
| When I go, I don't need that shit. | ||
| I should need that bullshit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I poke in and out things once in a while. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I think that's the only way to live for me, for it to work. | ||
| I've tried shit. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| Yeah, I think people like going on diets because it gives them something to concentrate too. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| It gives them a new thing. | ||
| I have shit going on. | ||
| I can't worry overtly all day long about like, is this meal gonna... | ||
| How am I gonna get... | ||
| Fuck that shit. | ||
| But that's one of the things that people like about it. | ||
| Like, okay, I'm on this diet now. | ||
| I gotta concentrate. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| Like meal prep. | ||
| Yeah, we're meal prepping. | ||
| I'm prepping. | ||
| Prepping all. | ||
| Prepping for the week. | ||
| I have my shows on Sunday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Meal prep. | |
| I am in control of my world. | ||
| No. | ||
| Asteroids hurtling towards us. | ||
| I'm in complete control of this spinning rock in space. | ||
| I have a finite lifespan. | ||
| I have to constantly eat and shit, but everything's fine. | ||
| Everything else is okay. | ||
| Yeah, everything's fine. | ||
| My buddy texted me today, by the way. | ||
| He goes, he had a concern. | ||
| I talked about him on another podcast about how he didn't shit for like five days. | ||
| Oh, I have a buddy who went through that. | ||
| And he went to the doctor and he has this thing and he had to get help for it. | ||
| He texted me. | ||
| He goes, I just want to let you know I'm back from vacation. | ||
| I feel really good. | ||
| Also, I'm shitting like normal again. | ||
| And I was like, I feel like a really proud friend. | ||
| He was really struggling. | ||
| He was nervous about it. | ||
| He was like, dude, I haven't shit in like four days. | ||
| I was like, four fucking days. | ||
| There was a guy that I worked with on Fear Factor. | ||
| I don't want to shame him, so I won't say his name. | ||
| I don't know if he wants it out there. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| He had a real problem. | ||
| A real problem. | ||
| It was packed in there for days and days, and it wasn't coming out, and he could feel it. | ||
| Like, he could touch his butthole and feel it inside. | ||
| It was hard. | ||
| Fuck, that's so gross! | ||
| Get some fiber, dawg? | ||
| He had to go to a doctor, and they literally had to chip it out of his asshole. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Yeah, like, it impacted and become... | ||
| Had a shizzle in his butthole? | ||
| They had to get in there and break it up, and then they had to make him take this, like, really intense laxative. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he takes this really intense laxative, like weapons-grade laxative, and they're in there chipping away at the stone wall, which is essentially just like a dam to keep all the shit juices piling up behind it. | ||
| Because he's got the impacted, dried-out shit that should have been out of his body days ago, and then he's got the fresh shit on top of that, and then on top of that he's got this chemical laxative that's just setting off explosions inside of him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh, ugh! | |
| And the doctor's in there with a fucking hammer. | ||
| A hammer and a screwdriver just whacking at the shit rock that's at the bottom of his asshole. | ||
| And then it breaks loose and just explodes everywhere. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Like he gave birth to a dead seal. | ||
| Just... | ||
| And it comes flying out of his asshole. | ||
| They catch it in a bag. | ||
| Alright, we got it. | ||
| We got it. | ||
| How much weight did he lose? | ||
| I don't know, but he said it was awful. | ||
| He said it was awful. | ||
| They had to pry the shit out of his ass. | ||
| They had to break it up. | ||
| Those are the kind of pains, those downstairs pains I can't imagine. | ||
| Do people die from that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Not shitting? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| You give yourself... | ||
| Imagine that. | ||
| What's that called? | ||
| Come on, look it up. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about. | ||
| Dying from constipation. | ||
| No, but there's a word. | ||
| It's like toxic shock syndrome that women get if they leave a tampon in too long. | ||
| If you don't shit for a certain amount of time, you poison yourself. | ||
| Yeah, it starts to leak into your organs and shit. | ||
| It's something absurdly gross. | ||
| There was one of those 600-pound life or whatever those shows are. | ||
| This woman wouldn't shit. | ||
| She kept holding and holding. | ||
| On purpose? | ||
|
unidentified
|
On purpose? | |
| Yes. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because she couldn't move to shit. | ||
| She was so fucking big, she couldn't move to shit. | ||
| So the shit packed up inside of her body. | ||
| Yeah, and they were like, you're going to fucking die. | ||
| It's going to get in your bloodstream and kill you. | ||
| Doesn't that freak you out when you watch a show like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like a... | |
| What are those called? | ||
| Hoarders. | ||
| Like a hoarder or someone who's gaining a ton of weight. | ||
| How do you get there? | ||
| But you know that you could get there. | ||
| You couldn't get there, but you know that a person could get there. | ||
| You now, Andrew Santino, May 2019, you're not going to get there. | ||
| No, probably not. | ||
| You're fine. | ||
| But some people, they're in a bad road, and they can't turn around. | ||
| They're stuck. | ||
| Yeah, but they compile it, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Because the depression feeds the hunger, feeds the depression. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That's shit? | ||
| Constipated man died. | ||
| Constipated man nearly died after feces-filled bowel burst. | ||
| Look how much shit there's there. | ||
| His rectum had dilated up to 18 centimeters inside his body and was filled with feces, according to the BMJ case report. | ||
|
unidentified
|
24. He's a child. | |
| 24. This isn't some 80-year-old man who just is like... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He's autistic. | ||
| Okay, it's chronic constipation. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Wow, great. | ||
| Now we feel bad, Jamie. | ||
| Thanks, Jamie. | ||
| You son of a bitch, Jamie. | ||
| Fucking baiting us with some shit. | ||
| Still, look at that guy in Melbourne. | ||
| A guy in Melbourne almost died from constipation. | ||
| So it's a few people every year. | ||
| They had to surgically remove two liters of poop. | ||
| A Coca-Cola bottle filled with poop. | ||
| Two liters. | ||
| Two liters. | ||
| Think of a liter bottle of Coke. | ||
| Think of two of those filled with sand and stuffed up your ass. | ||
| Filled with shit in your ass. | ||
| Filled with sand. | ||
| Leading to a lack of blood flow to the leg. | ||
| It was pressing on his artery, bro. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| His shit was choking his leg out. | ||
| That's what was happening. | ||
| His shit was just choking. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He was in the hospital for 23 days and took 13 days before he could walk again. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boy. | |
| No explanation has been found yet as to explain his significant fecal loading and constipation. | ||
| Look at how they spell fecal. | ||
| F-A-E-C-A-L. Is that because they're in Australia? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, probably. | |
| Yeah, fucking those idiots. | ||
| The guy was probably banging kangaroos or something. | ||
| He caught some disease. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Got no time. | |
| Did you hear about those people that ate? | ||
| Got no time to poop. | ||
| I'm fecal loading. | ||
| Banging kangaroos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm fecal. | |
| I spelt with an E. Yeah. | ||
| Have you heard of that couple that they ate a raw rat heart from Mongolia and they got the Black Plague? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That still exists? | |
| Yeah, they died from the Black Plague. | ||
| These fucking crazy people. | ||
| Rat heart? | ||
| That's what it was, a liver. | ||
| They ate a raw rat liver. | ||
| And they died of the bubonic plague. | ||
| Why did they eat it? | ||
| Black plague or bubonic plague? | ||
| I think it's bubonic plague. | ||
| Black sounds like it. | ||
| Yeah, it's got to be bubonic plague. | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| Because the bubonic plague was a bacteria, right? | ||
| Well, what's the black plague? | ||
| That was a virus, right? | ||
| Wasn't that a virus? | ||
| What are you, a doctor? | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| I got disbarred. | ||
| Apparently, you can't keep the fecal loading samples. | ||
| When you were in college, what did you think you were going to be? | ||
| Comedian. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like, this is a waste of time. | ||
| No, it's just funny because I had... | ||
|
unidentified
|
By the way, Andrew Santino, no case on his phone. | |
| Yeah, fuck that shit. | ||
| The Black Plague was an event during a time period in the 1300s, and the Bubonic Plague is a thing you can get. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But the Black Pig plague was a viral disease that was killing people, right? | ||
| So it's the bubonic plague that these folks got. | ||
| And they got it from eating a raw rat's heart or liver. | ||
| I think it's liver. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| That's his kidney. | ||
| Kidney? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| That's in high school. | ||
| Why would they eat kidneys? | ||
| Is this something you wrote? | ||
| Yeah, that's in high school. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That you wanted to be a comedian. | ||
| It says, I want to become a stand-up comic and to work with comedy on television. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what it says. | ||
| Yeah, I want to do anything. | ||
| I like what I'm hearing. | ||
| Whatever it takes. | ||
| Whatever it takes. | ||
| Look at what I wrote below. | ||
| I want you to wear a tracksuit with no underwear. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| And meet me at the dock. | ||
| Got it. | ||
| We're going to get on my yacht and have a good time. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| And I got a part for you to read. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| My script. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| Some guy takes you out on his yacht. | ||
| You're like, wow, so you really think my tape was good? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, your tape was amazing. | ||
| We're going to show you the dark. | ||
| And he brings you this script. | ||
| It tells you what's required of you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you're out there in the middle of the water, bobbing around, staring at this guy, and he got a couple glasses of wine in you. | ||
| He's like, I'm gonna make you a star, but I need to get my dick sucked. | ||
| Okay, I get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| I get it. | ||
| I did write in high school anything it takes. | ||
| Now, imagine being a woman and you're in that situation. | ||
| You think you're going to be able to sweet talk that guy, right? | ||
| That's why you were flirting with him. | ||
| That's why you got close to him. | ||
| You're going to get a part. | ||
| You're going to play him. | ||
| You're going to get a part. | ||
| Next thing you know, you're on that ocean. | ||
| Well, that feels creepy. | ||
| That feels rapey. | ||
| It is rapey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| When you're a dude, you're like, fuck that guy fucked up. | ||
| Just sacrifice, man. | ||
| You've got to suck a dick for the role. | ||
| But I'm saying it's a different feeling. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| But still dangerous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because if the guy finds out that you're not willing, and then you might be hostile, and then he might be hostile back, you're two dudes. | ||
| One dude wanted to get his dick sucked by a dude, but you're both two dudes. | ||
| And it's a real hair-raising situation for both of you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| For him, it's hair-raising, right? | ||
| You try to get this guy to suck your dick, and the guy said, I'll fucking kill you. | ||
| And you're like, Jesus, now I've got to drive this guy back in my boat. | ||
| It's just me and him. | ||
| A guy who said he would kill me in a 20-foot-long little boat. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta make him sit up by the bow and you just drive quietly. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| Jump in the water. | ||
| That's where people kill people. | ||
| You know he's gonna tell people. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| That's where that kid from Iowa goes missing. | ||
| Went to Hollywood for big dreams, never came back. | ||
| Is that on the water? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Cement shoes, my friend. | ||
| Put on these shoes. | ||
| Ka-plunk. | ||
| Yeah, I guarantee you that's happened. | ||
| I guarantee you guys try to get a guy to suck his dick and the guy tried to fight him and they fought to the death. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| I'm sure it's happening now. | ||
| There's got to be... | ||
| Right as we're speaking. | ||
| There's got to be enough... | ||
| Someone's listening to this while a gay guy is choking them to death. | ||
| Doesn't want anyone to know. | ||
| Don't go on the boat unless you really know the guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't go on the boat. | |
| That's my message. | ||
| That's my message. | ||
| How well do you know the guy? | ||
| Men or women. | ||
| If the guy's a producer and he takes you on the boat, don't go. | ||
| Don't go on the boat. | ||
| I feel like that about any... | ||
| How well do you know the guy with the boat? | ||
| Not that well. | ||
| I'm not going on that guy's fucking boat. | ||
| I was on a show once and there was a guy who was kind of a... | ||
| He was a... | ||
| I don't want to be mean. | ||
| But he was sleazy. | ||
| He was just Hollywood. | ||
| How does that mean, calling out someone for being fucking sleazy? | ||
| He's a sleazebag. | ||
| But it's the most stereotypical version of it. | ||
| Ah, yeah. | ||
| And there was a gal who was also working on the television show, and she was young and flirtatious. | ||
| And the next thing you know, they were on his boat for the weekend, working on the script. | ||
| And they came back, and we were like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Like, you really just said that? | ||
| Yeah, we were working creatively. | ||
| Oh, gosh, working creatively. | ||
| Just out in the middle of the water. | ||
| The water gives me, you know... | ||
| And bikinis. | ||
| The water makes me feel a type of way. | ||
| But it's like normal stuff. | ||
| Like, that's what people did forever. | ||
| In this business, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It used to be. | ||
| What, Jamie? | ||
| We wanted to bring this up, because you started talking about that, and we never talked about it at all. | ||
| Oh, well, this was a different subject, but yeah. | ||
| I know, but it's sort of related. | ||
| I'll save it. | ||
| This is Ed Buck. | ||
| Do you know who that guy is? | ||
| Wait, no. | ||
| He's like this democratic, he's a donor. | ||
| Oh, right, oh, we talked, you and I talked about this. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Right, and there were two dudes. | ||
| And two dudes have been found dead there. | ||
| From drug overdoses. | ||
| So they come over and one guy said that... | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| I don't know what they've said, but I think what they said... | ||
| He makes them do drugs? | ||
| Or he's taking them in while they're already super high and he's helping them out or something like that. | ||
| Oh, and they die. | ||
| And they end up dying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| While they're there. | ||
| And he's claiming that he's helping two people? | ||
| Yeah, I think that's what his... | ||
| Coincidence? | ||
| Maybe he's telling the truth. | ||
| Maybe he goes out there and finds really high people and then takes them home. | ||
| He's trying to save people in the middle of the night. | ||
| What are you, cynical bro? | ||
| Yeah dude. | ||
| What do you think is happening? | ||
| You want me to take a wild guess? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I bet he goes out looking for people that are real fucked up to get back to his apartment to get some fucking dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| No way. | ||
| And then... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not any... | |
| That's... | ||
| And then they say, do you have any more drugs? | ||
| And he goes, you bet I got more fucking drugs. | ||
| They do more drugs together. | ||
| And they die. | ||
| And he dies. | ||
| And he stays alive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| You sure? | ||
| Case closed, Your Honor. | ||
| Are you a detective? | ||
| I rest my fucking case. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that the gentleman? | |
| That's Mr. Buck. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, it looks like a fine man. | ||
| Yeah, he looks like he doesn't do anything. | ||
| Look, he's got a nice gold tooth shining in the back of his mouth. | ||
| Like, what's his name? | ||
| The Wet Bandits from Home Alone? | ||
| Investigators found multiple sex toys, multiple syringes, and clear plastic bags with suspected methamphetamine in a toolbox roll cabinet in the living room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| He's got a toolbox filled with syringes and sex toys. | ||
| Let's go to work! | ||
| Clear plastic bags with meth. | ||
| Moore has been homeless and had worked as a mess for it. | ||
| I like how it says bags. | ||
| Clear plastic bags. | ||
| Like, more than one. | ||
| He's got bags of speed. | ||
| He'd been homeless and had worked as an escort. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was on that Gigolo show, season four. | ||
| He was one of the main guys. | ||
| Yeah, he's the guy. | ||
| I've become addicted to drugs and the worst thing. | ||
| Ed Buck is the one to thank. | ||
| He gave me my first injection of crystal meth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I've become addicted to drugs and the worst one at that. | ||
| Well, I don't know if that's true, but it's a crazy story. | ||
| What we do know is true is two people died over there. | ||
| That's fucking insane. | ||
| There's different standards, right? | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| If that guy... | ||
| If he was a heterosexual guy and two women had died at his house. | ||
| Prison for life. | ||
| What are the odds that they wouldn't arrest him? | ||
| Zero. | ||
| If one woman is found dead in your fucking apartment. | ||
| Yeah, if you go pick up hookers and shoot them up with meth, you go to jail. | ||
| You go to prison. | ||
| But if you pick up male hookers, it's like what we were talking about earlier. | ||
| If it's a guy like, ah, you're a Russian model, you came over here, it didn't work, bro. | ||
| Fuck the old ladies. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| These guys, two guys are dead. | ||
| And everybody's like, hey, you know, that's the fucking game they're playing. | ||
| They're playing that shoot the meth game. | ||
| Once you shoot, it's on you. | ||
| He's only killed two guys. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| That's kind of like the, what is it, the staircase. | ||
| You know that documentary where like two of his wives died falling downstairs? | ||
| Oh yeah, that's right. | ||
| People are like... | ||
| What? | ||
| You still don't fucking know? | ||
| You think two women coincidentally... | ||
| Imagine if they did. | ||
| They're your favorite people ever and they just kept falling. | ||
| Literally impossible. | ||
| What if you're a rock climber? | ||
| It was in his kitchen. | ||
| It's in his fucking kitchen. | ||
| Didn't he try to say like an owl did it? | ||
| What's his... | ||
| An owl? | ||
| He said an owl. | ||
| Dude, he had so... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a fucking owl! | |
| With demon eyes! | ||
| He said a bird flew in and scared her. | ||
| And flew out of the home. | ||
| Because there was no fucking bird, by the way. | ||
| But he said a bird flew in, scared her, and she fell down the stairs. | ||
| Backwards, by the way. | ||
| You know how hard it is to fall down the stairs? | ||
| Backwards when you're already at the top of a stair. | ||
| Nobody falls backwards when they're walking upstairs. | ||
| You gotta get kicked, Sparta style. | ||
| Someone has to hit you down the stairs. | ||
| That's exactly what it is. | ||
| The lawyer was like, somebody pushed you down the stairs. | ||
| That's the only way that happens. | ||
| Sparta. | ||
| Sparta? | ||
| Fuck you, wife. | ||
| Imagine if they did an autopsy and they see the footprint. | ||
| Right in the middle of her chest. | ||
| Well, they said the blood splatter was like so obviously consistent with someone that was like thrown downstairs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Well, the owl got her, bro. | ||
| And these owls are doing that. | ||
| That is the thing that happens often. | ||
| They fly into your home. | ||
| They fuck shit up. | ||
| They're not good guests. | ||
| They're not nice people. | ||
| Little assholes. | ||
| Yeah, they really are. | ||
| Truly not nice birds. | ||
| They're such a cool animal. | ||
| Yeah, they are. | ||
| They're a weird animal that we, like, think of them as these wise, old creatures. | ||
| Like, we have, like, an anthropomorphic version of an owl that's really smart. | ||
| Like, an owl is like, hmm, let's read our books and find out what's going on in the world. | ||
| The Tootsie Pop owl, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many licks does it take? | ||
| That was like, he wore glasses. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That must be what it is. | ||
| But the wise old owl is like an adage, right? | ||
| Yeah, why is it though? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Because they're fucking ruthless. | ||
| What they are is just cunts that swoop down and kill rabbits. | ||
| They fuck rabbits up, man. | ||
| Their wingspans are fucking incredible. | ||
| When you see them take off, take flight, and come snag something, it's wild to see. | ||
| I was driving home once and one was flying over my head. | ||
| And I guess it didn't like how low it was as to where my car was on the road. | ||
| Like it had picked a path. | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| In its head, understanding that cars go down this road. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It was flying, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And the car was just too close, so it just dropped the rabbit and went to get it later. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| And I pulled over, because I was like, what the fuck was that? | ||
| Because it was big. | ||
| Like, whatever it dropped was a fairly large creature. | ||
| And I went over, and there's a rabbit that was just gutted. | ||
| Because the first thing they eat is the guts. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So they just torn the guts out of this rabbit. | ||
| They pick it apart, and then they take the rest home with them? | ||
| They swoop down. | ||
| Have you ever seen an owl's claws? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're fucking nasty, man. | ||
| Yeah, they're huge. | ||
| Giant-ass claws. | ||
| The coolest video... | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
| Look at the claws in that fucker. | ||
| They're badass, dude. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's an amazing, amazing predator. | ||
| The first picture looks like him saying, don't take a picture. | ||
| And then the second one, he's like, why did you take the fucking... | ||
| I told you not to take the picture. | ||
| It's like mad at you. | ||
| And she's picking it up. | ||
| Look at the eyes in that thing, man. | ||
| I mean, it has a demonic face. | ||
| Beautiful predator, man. | ||
| It's an incredible animal. | ||
| Look at that one. | ||
| There's an amazing video online of one killing a hawk. | ||
| It kills a hawk in its nest. | ||
| It swoops down in the night. | ||
| They got a trail camera photo. | ||
| They had these hawks that were in this nest, and these wildlife biologists were filming it. | ||
| And this owl comes in, watch this, and just snatches the hawk right from the nest. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Here it comes in the distance. | ||
| You'll see its little eyes any second now. | ||
| It's crazy shit, dude. | ||
| Watch it. | ||
| It's a little baby hawk, huh? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| A little baby. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Watch this motherfucker come in. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Bitch! | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| That's a wrap, son. | ||
| Just snatched it. | ||
| Look at the mom. | ||
| It's like, what happened? | ||
| I don't even know if that's the mom. | ||
| That might also be another baby. | ||
| It's pretty big, though. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard to tell. | ||
| It's hard to tell because we don't have a perspective, but look at this. | ||
| Look how it snatches it. | ||
| Bang! | ||
| Just two hands. | ||
| Look at all the feathers that fly off. | ||
| Two hands. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Grabbing a hold. | ||
| I don't know why that freaks me out so much now. | ||
| That freaks me the fuck out. | ||
| Bird on bird violence is weird. | ||
| It's crazy, dude. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Bird lives matter, man. | ||
| But it's bird on bird violence is strange. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's almost like a cannibalism. | ||
| It happens so often. | ||
| Yeah, why? | ||
| Birds jack birds. | ||
| Because they don't give a fuck. | ||
| Doesn't matter. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| But do you think that's a last resort, kind of? | ||
| They don't really want to eat other birds, right? | ||
| Bro, everybody eats birds. | ||
| The next picture you gave me. | ||
| Even birds. | ||
| That's a bird swallowing a chick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at it bucking in his throat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a twat. | |
| That's a fucking whole duck. | ||
| That's huge. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
| That is huge. | ||
| Well, it's a chick. | ||
| It's not a fully grown duck. | ||
| It's big. | ||
| It's big enough that it's crazy that that thing swallows it. | ||
| You know one of the really fucked up ones that I saw recently? | ||
| I saw a toad eat a rat. | ||
| Or a mouse. | ||
| A toad eat a mouse. | ||
| It's either a frog or a toad. | ||
| I don't know what it was, but a big ass green frog looking type creature. | ||
| Swallowed a mouse whole. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| This is crazy, dude. | ||
| Oh, this is not it. | ||
| This is not it. | ||
| Because this one's hidden. | ||
| There's one that's not hidden. | ||
| This is one where you can see it in a little glass container. | ||
| Damn, I wish I could find it. | ||
| Because it's a really good one. | ||
| It's from a top-down view. | ||
| That's pretty good. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| I didn't think that frogs ate mice, man. | ||
| I used to think that frogs were like, oh, you know, they just get bugs out of the air. | ||
| Watch, he's just waiting. | ||
| Not yet. | ||
| Not yet. | ||
| I want to make sure I get him. | ||
| I want to make sure I get him. | ||
| Sniff around. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you're playing in my little... | ||
| Little baby move. | ||
| Little baby move. | ||
| I'm on you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And... | |
| As soon as I decide, you're lined up. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Head first. | ||
| Look at it stuffing it in there with his greedy little fingers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nah. | |
| Nah. | ||
| I mean, think about what a... | ||
| Look at the mouse trying to get out! | ||
| The mouse is trying to get out! | ||
| Because they don't have teeth, right? | ||
| They just got to swallow that thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's trying to get out. | |
| Its head is out, man. | ||
| Look, it's eating it asshole first. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| The mouse is like, let me just, let me, excuse me. | ||
| But I guess that makes sense. | ||
| Eat the butthole first because that's the worst taste. | ||
| So eat the butthole first. | ||
| Get the bad taste out of the mouth. | ||
| I don't think that's how they're thinking. | ||
| That's just where it was. | ||
| I think it would have eaten it head first, too. | ||
| But look at it. | ||
| It's just blinking, slowly swallowing the mouse. | ||
| Imagine you being able to eat a dog. | ||
| That's what that's like. | ||
| The size difference? | ||
| That's like you eating a German Shepherd. | ||
| Picking up a German Shepherd. | ||
| Stuffing it in your face. | ||
| Dislocating my jaw, putting it in. | ||
| How big is a frog's mouth? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| When you see those things that can dislocate their jaws, I think that's incredible. | ||
| Animals that can fucking unhinge their jaw. | ||
| Snakes that eat deer and shit. | ||
| These are found again. | ||
| Yeah, they found them in California again off the coast. | ||
| After they haven't been here for 30 years. | ||
| They just started showing up again off San Francisco or Ventura or whatever. | ||
| What the fuck are those? | ||
| They swim through like little schools of fish and they just swallow them up. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen that. | ||
| It's a basking shark. | ||
| Giant mouth. | ||
| Yeah, wild looking thing. | ||
| Just like a funnel for the ocean. | ||
| How many bottle caps do those things swallow? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you want to talk about plastic straws if they get 30 feet long. | |
| Imagine what kind of shit impacted like six-pack tops are in their assholes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh! | |
| So many little cans of Miller Lite. | ||
| Blood streaming out of their asshole and their shit. | ||
| Those things gotta be able to handle anything. | ||
| After all these years, they've swallowed so much bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, boots and fucking license plates and shit. | ||
| Old boat parts. | ||
| Bones. | ||
| Yeah, all that shit. | ||
| Creepy shit from the bottom of the fucking ocean. | ||
| Sperm whale found dead with 13 pounds of plastic in its stomach. | ||
| Holy shit, man. | ||
| 13 pounds? | ||
| We're so gross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So there was a guy named... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Do you see that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does this mean? | |
| Flip flops and 115 drinking cups. | ||
| They can't say red solo cups, but that's what that is. | ||
| People out there partying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Partying, dude. | |
| Out there on that boat. | ||
| And them sperm whales. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That's fucked up, man. | ||
| Flip-flops. | ||
| I've probably had one of those flip-flops. | ||
| I've lost so many pairs. | ||
| One of mine is in the sperm whale. | ||
| Did you see the video of that beluga whale returning the girl's cell phone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You did? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Yeah, it's fucking crazy. | ||
| If they set this up, it would have been an amazing setup, but I'll show you the video. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Returning a girl's self. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here you go. | |
| The whale understands objects are important to you? | ||
| And those iPhones are expensive. | ||
| I don't know how far it got dropped down in the water, but here, I'll pull it up here. | ||
| So going all over Instagram and Twitter, you can easily find the video. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| I mean, it's coming from the depths of the water. | ||
| So, like, I don't know how the fuck you could make this and fake it. | ||
| Oh my fucking God. | ||
| Holding on to her phone, and it brings it up. | ||
| I don't know how you would fake that. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| They don't look like trainers. | ||
| It doesn't look like it's in the water. | ||
| It says it's the one that was captured last week. | ||
| I don't know if that part is true. | ||
| The same one? | ||
| That's the part I think is fake about it. | ||
| Oh, how do they know? | ||
| How would they know it's the same one? | ||
| They're the ones that have it. | ||
| I think. | ||
| That's how I initially saw the story. | ||
| And I don't believe that part so much. | ||
| They're tagged and tracked. | ||
| Remember the white whale that we posted about last week? | ||
| Well, it stuck around. | ||
| He's been staying at Hammerfest. | ||
| Well, maybe it's a different one. | ||
| Maybe it's a whale that they saw, not the one that was captured with the harness. | ||
| I think that's what's wrong. | ||
| Well, what did they post about last week? | ||
| That's the one. | ||
| This is where that story came from in Norway. | ||
| So it is the same story. | ||
| Yeah, it's trained. | ||
| It's a trained whale. | ||
| Maybe you wanted food, man. | ||
| Yeah, I thought I was going to get something. | ||
| Pick it up with fish, bitch. | ||
| Isn't that so funny? | ||
| Get back out there. | ||
| Here's your phone. | ||
| She's like, thank you. | ||
| He's like, no, bitch. | ||
| Fucking feed me. | ||
| Yeah, just like the monkeys, man. | ||
| Give up the food, you bitch. | ||
| I've come and steal from you. | ||
| I'm stealing. | ||
| Oh, that was the other thing, man. | ||
| We got margaritas, and we left like a pitcher of margaritas out, and they dumped the pitcher over and drank the margaritas. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| They like to party. | ||
| So the monkeys were probably partying on our porch. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Don't leave margaritas out, dude. | ||
| I wonder if they get hammered. | ||
| They get wasted. | ||
| They must get so hammered. | ||
| Like a pitcher of margaritas. | ||
| I don't know how much they lapped up after it spilled. | ||
| But I imagine they probably just drank every drop. | ||
| There was nothing left. | ||
| They knocked over the pitcher. | ||
| And some of it must have stayed in the pitcher. | ||
| And they were like, this is what we want. | ||
| And they started drinking it. | ||
| And they knock on your door like, you have salt. | ||
| You guys didn't leave any fucking salt out. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| He's drinking. | ||
| Yeah, he's boozed out. | ||
| They drink booze. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| Drunk monkeys. | ||
| Coca-Cola. | ||
| They love Coca-Cola. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Look at them. | ||
| He doesn't know how to drink, though. | ||
| Anything with sugar. | ||
| They love sugar shit. | ||
| Stupid fuck. | ||
| Oh, he's hammered. | ||
| Look at them. | ||
| Oh, they're drunk. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| There's videos of drunk monkeys. | ||
| They're fucked up. | ||
| Look at them. | ||
| They can't even wrestle. | ||
| They just fall down. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, the people who spill it off over drinks and they're licking it off tables. | ||
| If I had a monkey, I'd get them drunk every day. | ||
| Me and that monkey would just party. | ||
| If everything goes totally south with me, you're going to find me on Key West, living like those psycho white people, just drinking with monkeys. | ||
| You're going to be McAfee? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| You'll be the next McAfee. | ||
| Just like that, but I'll stay in America. | ||
| Make girls poop in your mouth for you. | ||
| I don't think he does that, bro, and you should stop saying that. | ||
| He did. | ||
| Key West is the furthest you can get and still be in America. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| Other than Alaska. | ||
| The most ridiculous thing to call out America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's not. | |
| It's not even connected to Florida. | ||
| No. | ||
| And those people that live down there, they might as well be expats living on an island somewhere. | ||
| That's what it is, right? | ||
| There's a hurricane there every 13 days. | ||
| They just get wiped out. | ||
| Southernmost point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Southernmost point. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not just that. | ||
| They're the keys. | ||
| They're islands. | ||
| Yeah, the keys. | ||
| You have to drive over land. | ||
| They're not really America. | ||
| No, it's its own little thing. | ||
| It's like Puerto Rico. | ||
| Well, the U.S. Virgin Islands. | ||
| Yeah, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| How do we own Guam? | ||
| Yeah, how? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| What is that to us? | ||
| That's way over there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's way away from Hawaii. | ||
| It takes forever to get there. | ||
| How do we get there? | ||
| That's fucking far. | ||
| Hawaii's five hours by jet. | ||
| Jet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Over just water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no. | |
| This is America. | ||
| It's us, baby. | ||
| This is America. | ||
| Little plot of land. | ||
| I like that we protect Hawaii, but I think Hawaii is its own fucking thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, it is. | |
| We should let those people run their own country. | ||
| And you know what would happen immediately? | ||
| Mushrooms would be legal. | ||
| It would be the place to party. | ||
| They voted this week. | ||
| A bunch of places voted. | ||
| Denver tried. | ||
| Yeah, Denver didn't make it, though. | ||
| 47%, I think, said yes. | ||
| Those old ranchers. | ||
| Those old ranchers came out of the mountains. | ||
| Old farmers. | ||
| Actually, dude, on the way here, I saw hilarious, on the back of a truck window, had a big thing that says, what's going on? | ||
| And it had a pot leaf, and it said legal, and then it had a hose watering a lawn, and it said illegal. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Oh my god, look into it. | ||
| That's what he's saying, dude. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| He's a dumbass. | ||
| It's called a drought, you fuck. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| You can grow pot, but I can't water my lawn. | ||
| We're conserving water, you fuckhead. | ||
| Fuck you, pothead. | ||
| Pot is plants. | ||
| Fuck you, pothead. | ||
| Hey, easy. | ||
| Did you hear about the guy in Florida that got arrested because he would not take I eat ass off the back of his window? | ||
| We're talking about that. | ||
| I eat ass. | ||
| I eat ass. | ||
| It said on the back of his window, he said it is his First Amendment right to let everyone know that he eats ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's a funny thing. | ||
| Imagine if that's your boy. | ||
| You have his little baby. | ||
| You suck it on your nipple. | ||
| You're like, my cute little boy. | ||
| He's adorable. | ||
| Oh, my little Billy wants to play baseball, but he doesn't like getting up early, and he misses a lot of practice. | ||
| He got cut from the team, and now he's kind of depressed, and he just plays Madden all day. | ||
| And in one day, Billy's got a pickup truck, and Billy's pickup truck says, I eat ass. | ||
| That's right, Mom. | ||
| And you come home, and he's still living at your house because he's a fucking loser. | ||
| And you come home, and you see little Billy with his I eat ass on... | ||
| Do you really need to have that on your truck in my driveway? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I do. | |
| Yeah, I do, Ma. | ||
| That's how I get my ass to eat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of guys don't eat ass, but I do, so I let everybody know. | |
| I eat ass. | ||
| I do, I do, I do. | ||
| And your dad is like, I still support him and I love him very much. | ||
| I also eat ass. | ||
| Imagine if you're with your mom and you're driving on the highway and you're stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic with I eat ass in front of you for an hour. | ||
| We'd laugh. | ||
| My mom would laugh. | ||
| My mom would get mad at me for staying in the same lane. | ||
| She would go, Joe, just change. | ||
| You're in this lane because you think it's funny that I have to look at I eat ass. | ||
| I didn't say that, Mom. | ||
| I did not say that. | ||
| It is funny, though. | ||
| You think it's funny. | ||
| It is very funny. | ||
| You think it's funny. | ||
| Here's my story about that guy. | ||
| I think it was more positive than that. | ||
| I think he wanted to let people know that he eats ass because he's got this... | ||
| I don't know if you know him, but we know him. | ||
| I know him very well. | ||
| Jamie and I know him very well. | ||
| But half of his tongue was bit off by a dog when he was young. | ||
| So he knows how to eat ass? | ||
| So he knows how to eat ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got a rough bump at the end of it? | |
| Yeah, he knows how to flick it around. | ||
| He's good at eating ass. | ||
| But I think people for years were like, you can't eat ass anymore, Mike! | ||
| And he was like, fuck you guys, man. | ||
| What are you trying to say, Jamie? | ||
| Another Florida man's story, eating ass. | ||
| Man arrested after caught eating ass inside Toys R Us store. | ||
| That's why they closed down. | ||
| That's why they're not in business. | ||
| That's a bold move. | ||
| Little kids in there. | ||
| Oh, I know what I saw. | ||
| It's around here somewhere. | ||
| It's a thing. | ||
| The game is there's a monkey on the cover and he's got a hammer. | ||
| He's trying to whack the moles and... | ||
| This guy's eating this girl's poop! | ||
|
unidentified
|
This guy's eating girl's poop! | |
| Mommy! | ||
| Can you imagine if you saw a dude eating an asshole? | ||
| Underwear. | ||
| In the middle of Toys R Us. | ||
| You're walking around with your kid, going, what should we get? | ||
| Should we get a wiffle ball bat? | ||
| You want to play wiffle ball? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, wiffle ball will be fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you turn the corner. | ||
| And then the girl turns, she goes, get out of here. | ||
| I fell down a rabbit hole with this one. | ||
| With ass eating? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Man who ripped out girlfriend's intestines for yelling her husband's name during sex gets life in prison. | ||
| Makes perfect sense. | ||
| What? | ||
| Man who ripped out his girlfriend's intestines for yelling... | ||
| At that point, I get mad. | ||
| Fidel Lopez told investigators. | ||
| I get really, really mad. | ||
| He ripped out her intestine for yelling out her husband's name. | ||
| Boy, that's a complicated story. | ||
| Also in Florida. | ||
| Oh, no shit. | ||
| She called me the name of the other fucking guy he told investigators after September 2015 murder. | ||
| She said it twice, and she was wrong, and she was confusing me with him. | ||
| At that point, I'd get mad. | ||
| I'd get really, really mad. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| As the 31-year-old lay stricken, he shoved objects into Miss Nemeth's vagina and anus, including a beer bottle, a hair iron, even his fist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| This is not... | ||
| This guy's a psycho. | ||
| This is not something I needed to see. | ||
| What a piece of shit. | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| Jesus, Jamie. | ||
| Why are you reading about this? | ||
| Is something wrong with you? | ||
| Where do you find that stuff, Jamie? | ||
| Why do you go looking for it? | ||
| Is it on your saved front pages? | ||
| What does Google try to sell you? | ||
| This is the images of I Eat Ass Florida Man, and I just started scrolling down. | ||
| Okay, we go to Jamie's Google Ads, and it's all duct tape and crowbars and shit. | ||
| A lot of rope. | ||
| What's up with all this rope? | ||
| What's up with all the hand saws? | ||
| What's going on, man? | ||
| This is how you know that even when you clear your search engine, it doesn't matter because I clear my shit sometimes. | ||
| And even when I go back to Pornhub, it still knows my suggested shit. | ||
| So creepy. | ||
| Look into it. | ||
| Time to look into it. | ||
| Time to look into the porn. | ||
| That's where people are making money. | ||
| It's from cookies and using your information and your data and finding out what you're interested in and selling it to advertisers. | ||
| It's all very, very sordid stuff. | ||
| The Zuckerberg has got us, dude. | ||
| Yeah, the Zuckerberg does. | ||
| I mean, it's just... | ||
| It's weird that that sort of escaped the imagination of people that were looking towards the future. | ||
| They didn't think that data would be so valuable. | ||
| Nobody really saw that 20 years ago. | ||
| When the internet was first coming alive, nobody ever thought they'd be able to check your searches. | ||
| Like, when they figured out how to make a search engine and then tied it into what you're searching for and selling that to advertisers, God, it's genius! | ||
| It's crazy that they can make so much money. | ||
| It's like you were talking about, well, it's not right that you can make so much money telling jokes. | ||
| Well, it's really not right that you make so much money providing a search engine. | ||
| Off of the materials that you've searched, which you're supposedly, you're protected by, right? | ||
| You're supposed to think that your searches are protected. | ||
| But on one hand, right, like, it's cool because you get all this data. | ||
| You get this information. | ||
| But, you know, you could literally find out any answer to any question. | ||
| We do it all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then the other part, it's like, well, what am I giving up? | ||
| Now they know what you like, what things you're thinking about buying, what cars you're interested in, what movies you like. | ||
| They know that, so they start selling you that. | ||
| You're like, oh, I guess I want them to sell it to me. | ||
| That is what I like. | ||
| Yeah, that is a nice car. | ||
| Wow, look at that. | ||
| Hey, that movie does look good. | ||
| And then you're like, oh, my Google's really working out well for me. | ||
| You want to become autonomous with the machine? | ||
| It's just a big net. | ||
| Just casting out and just finding all the things I'm interested in. | ||
| Are you cool with the chip? | ||
| I've got one already, bro. | ||
| You've got the chip, dog? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which version, though? | ||
| 2.6? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't ask questions. | ||
| Just let them chip me up. | ||
| Chip me up, dawg. | ||
| You gotta go to Langley, Virginia. | ||
| You go to where they kept Hannibal Lecter. | ||
| That's how they chip you. | ||
| Chip you out there. | ||
| And Langley? | ||
| You gotta go to the FBI. They have to know you're okay. | ||
| I'll get chipped. | ||
| I would get chipped. | ||
| You gotta know you're cool. | ||
| Chip me, dude. | ||
| Chip me the fuck up. | ||
| What would it take for you to get chipped? | ||
| Like, for real. | ||
| If there was a chip and it provided your GPS tracking everywhere you go, but you could read people's minds. | ||
| So the government knew where you were all the time. | ||
| They do. | ||
| But everybody else that had a chip in it, you could read their mind. | ||
| Like, you could see their intentions. | ||
| You could find out if they're upset. | ||
| You could find out if they're rational or irrational. | ||
| Maybe you could even show them the error of their ways with their thoughts. | ||
| I don't want to know people's heads. | ||
| They already know where you're at, man. | ||
| They got your fucking phone. | ||
| No, no, they can have that. | ||
| I don't want to know what's going on. | ||
| Like Jamie's head. | ||
| You don't want to know? | ||
| Jamie's fine. | ||
| You know what he's thinking about right now? | ||
| Food. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's like 320. Bringing up the movie upgrade almost. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That is what it was like, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I don't remember why he got it, but... | ||
| He was shot in a... | ||
| Spoiler alert. | ||
| He was shot in a robbery by armed gang members. | ||
| They shot him and paralyzed him, and then this guy brought him back to life with this chip in his spine that regenerated spinal tissue and gave him superpowers, and he knew kung fu and all kinds of other shit. | ||
| Chipped me, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oof, that's not fair. | ||
| Jamie! | ||
| Jamie! | ||
| Jamie, get out of here with us. | ||
| Stop with it. | ||
| You're distracting the shit out of me today. | ||
| What's going on with you? | ||
| I say chip me up. | ||
| Chip me the fuck up. | ||
| What about you, Jamie? | ||
| Would you get distracted? | ||
| If you had a chip inside of you, would you think about it all the time? | ||
| Yeah, the Neuralink scares the shit out of me. | ||
| That's basically the same thing. | ||
| Right, if you're wearing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But do you think that would become like you would think about that chip all the time? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, you'd definitely forget about it. | ||
| You'd forget about anything else that you have. | ||
| You forget about this thing, this tracking device. | ||
| Yeah, but as long as you could pick it up and put it down. | ||
| You feel like you're not really connected to it, even though you absolutely are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you are. | |
| But if you had something inside you, you'd be like, ooh, boy, I really went for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got the chip. | |
| Are you talking to it? | ||
| See, I would want to talk to it. | ||
| The upgrade movie, yeah. | ||
| Turn on my car. | ||
| Get directions to Joe's. | ||
| You can't forget about it then. | ||
| It's close to it, man. | ||
| Yeah, but then it becomes one with you. | ||
| It's not like you're thinking about it. | ||
| You're just acting. | ||
| If it woke you up in the middle of the night, you'd be pissed. | ||
| Why would it wake me up? | ||
| I told it not to. | ||
| You know what I've been doing with Siri lately? | ||
| That dumb bitch? | ||
| Don't use it. | ||
| I tell her what to do. | ||
| I make her make notes for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| So I go, hey Siri, make a note. | ||
| And what would you like to say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
None. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Whose phone was that? | ||
| Mine or yours? | ||
| Yours. | ||
| See that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, I created a note. | |
| She created a note. | ||
| She's listening to you, dude. | ||
| Hey, here we go. | ||
| Hey Siri, make a note. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you want it to say? | |
| Andrew Santino is the last of the Great Gingers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, I created a note. | |
| Andrew Santino was the last of the great gingers. | ||
| That's a good, yeah. | ||
| That's pretty beautiful. | ||
| Yeah, she's pretty good. | ||
| She changed was to is. | ||
| Did you say is? | ||
| She did that, see? | ||
| But it's good enough for me. | ||
| If I have ideas, if I'm driving around and I have ideas, I just tell Siri to do my dirty work for me. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| It's made me capture so many more ideas that I would never be able to capture because I'm driving. | ||
| This is funny. | ||
| I thought this in the shower the other day. | ||
| I spend an inordinate amount of time thinking in the shower. | ||
| I really enjoy thinking in the shower because it's really quiet. | ||
| And I'll sit there and I'll think and sometimes I'll get a great idea. | ||
| And in the time it takes me to get out of the fucking shower... | ||
| You forget it. | ||
| I've washed it away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| I want a... | ||
| Noteboard? | ||
| Yeah, a waterproof noteboard in the shower so I can write shit down. | ||
| You can get one of those. | ||
| Do they make those? | ||
| Yeah, but your wife would get annoyed at you. | ||
| I have the home sweet home sign and you have a fucking thing over it so you can write your stupid... | ||
| Oh, dick in mom's pussy is hilarious. | ||
| No, it's not! | ||
| And I'll go, you know what, babe? | ||
| I bought this fucking shower. | ||
| Why is that a joke? | ||
| Get outside. | ||
| Dick in mom's pussy is hilarious. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| Get in the garage where you belong. | ||
| You're smoking pot with Theo Vaughn. | ||
| Theo Vaughn says he doesn't smoke pot. | ||
| I don't believe him. | ||
| You guys are smoking pot. | ||
| Anybody who talks like that with all those weird hey mans and gang and gang. | ||
| Who is his gang anyway? | ||
| Tell him to fix his haircut. | ||
| Girls get mad at you about the way your friends dress. | ||
| Tell him to stop dressing like that. | ||
| Or the way your friends act. | ||
| Why does he do that? | ||
| Why does he think that's funny to throw stuff? | ||
| Why does he do that? | ||
| Well, because he's funny. | ||
| It's fun when he does that. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| Good thing you and I aren't the same person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| I can replace you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's a mean threat. | |
| You shouldn't say that to people. | ||
| They feel like you might. | ||
| You might replace them. | ||
| Are we all replaceable in every way, literally? | ||
| We're all replaceable. | ||
| I had Lex Friedman on yesterday from MIT. He's an autonomous vehicle expert and artificial intelligence expert. | ||
| Creepy. | ||
| Interesting stuff, but one of the things that he was talking about was like the movie Her, and that his ultimate goal is to create something that provides companionship to people. | ||
| I'm like, dude. | ||
| So immediately I think, can you fuck it? | ||
| And then I think if it's a guy and provides, if you want a gay boyfriend, can you make it be gay for you? | ||
| And that was the big question. | ||
| If it is so smart that it's literally like a companion, what if it's not gay? | ||
| And he was saying we have to face the fact that robots are going to leave us. | ||
| We're going to make robots that leave us. | ||
| What the fuck's the point in making a robot unless it leaves you? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| And then there was an article about PETA that was mad at the folks that work at Boston Dynamics because Boston Dynamics, they make all these crazy robots and they have incredible balance and they can go running down hills and shit and do backflips. | ||
| So these engineers were kicking these robots. | ||
| Oh, and they thought it was a real dog? | ||
| No, they didn't think it was a real dog. | ||
| They were demonstrating that it can react to pressure and it has balance. | ||
| So PETA got mad and said they didn't think it was cool that you kicked robots. | ||
| They're really talking about, I don't know why anybody would want to do that. | ||
| Because you have to find out if you can kick them! | ||
| The only way to find out if your fucking engineering works is you kick them. | ||
| It doesn't have feelings, you fuck. | ||
| But it does, Joe. | ||
| That's where you're making mistakes. | ||
| Imagine the type of person that you have to be to say, I just don't think why any reasonable person would want to kick that robot. | ||
| Because you've got to find out if you can kick a fucking robot. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| How about I'll pad that robot up and kick the fucking shit out of it for a workout? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I would like a robot that I could kick. | ||
| That'd be dope. | ||
| I would like a robot that I could kickbox with. | ||
| Hold pads and move, yeah. | ||
| No, I want to hit it. | ||
| Oh, you want to hit it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Yeah, alright. | ||
| I would like... | ||
| Fuck pads. | ||
| I want to be able to tee off on a robot, man. | ||
| If you have a robot... | ||
| Does it fight back, though? | ||
| What if it moves at like 30 or 40%? | ||
| That's all I want. | ||
| I want it to be a little dangerous, but I want to be able to get my shots off. | ||
| But how do you know it's not going to fucking kill you? | ||
| I don't. | ||
| See? | ||
| And it probably could, right? | ||
| That's what's going to happen. | ||
| Because it's not going to hurt it. | ||
| No, it's going to hurt you. | ||
| You know what I would know? | ||
| When I throw a leg kick and it checks it. | ||
| And I hurt my shin. | ||
| I'm like, oh no. | ||
| And you hear it go shin to shin on me. | ||
| And then it starts lifting up its front leg and pressing forward. | ||
| I'm like, oh my god, my robot's going to fuck me up. | ||
| I fucked up. | ||
| I got it mad. | ||
| It stomps on your fucking head. | ||
| You would have to get something, a robot that's made out of like heavy bag material on the outside and then the inside would just be some sort of a wire framework that moves fairly crudely. | ||
| How do you stop it? | ||
| This is the thing. | ||
| You're creating a world where we're going to get killed by robots. | ||
| How do you stop it? | ||
| That's the real question. | ||
| The real question is what happens when they get so smart and so powerful that they're tired of our nonsense. | ||
| And this is what Lex and I were discussing. | ||
| And he was talking about all the beauty in being a person and the meaning that we have of being a person. | ||
| And I was agreeing with him. | ||
| I mean, I love people. | ||
| I think that's one of the things that's interesting about us is how much we appreciate the things that we all do. | ||
| We appreciate other people's art and inspiration. | ||
| Even we appreciate the way people look. | ||
| We appreciate that. | ||
| There's something about the robots don't give a fuck about all that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-mm. | |
| My worry is that we could turn something on that you can never turn back. | ||
| If they become sentient, if they have the ability to do whatever they want, whenever they want to, and they look at us, when these sperm whales with 150 flip-flops in their butt, they're going to go, what the fuck is wrong with people? | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| Look how gross they are. | ||
| They eat all the fish and they throw their plastic in the water. | ||
| And whales are eating their plastic and dying. | ||
| And they would look at all the stuff we do and then we'd go, why? | ||
| It'd kill us. | ||
| Why? | ||
| We don't need you guys. | ||
| Why keep you around? | ||
| You guys are worthless. | ||
| But we're so egotistical and so egocentric that we can't imagine a world with meaning without us. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because we are everything. | ||
| But even though we're finite, even though we only exist for a certain amount of time, we'll leave behind a legacy that other people are going to enjoy. | ||
| It doesn't matter if they're going to die too, though, does it? | ||
| But it does matter. | ||
| It matters while you're alive. | ||
| Okay, got it. | ||
| The universe doesn't give a fuck about all that. | ||
| And all these crazy robots that take over. | ||
| Imagine if we got to a planet one day. | ||
| Imagine if we traveled the universe and we managed to avoid creating some sort of artificial intelligence because we got hit with a solar flare that killed the fucking power grid or something like that. | ||
| And then we got wiser as a civilization. | ||
| Then we got to a place where we could travel. | ||
| And we traveled to another planet. | ||
| And we got there and there was robots. | ||
| Just robots. | ||
| No humans. | ||
| No humans. | ||
| And they were just running around aimlessly. | ||
| Because they'd killed off all the biological life, and they're just sitting there operating on the sun with nothing to do and no purpose and no reason to exist. | ||
| And like, what happened? | ||
| These crazy monkeys that lived on this planet, they decided to, for an experiment, make an artificial intelligence and just let it go run amok. | ||
| And what it did was eat everything. | ||
| It lived off biological material until there was nothing left, and then it just sat there in the sun and waited for someone to arrive. | ||
| No, that could never happen. | ||
| Of course it could. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course it could. | |
| It's happening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course it could. | |
| I'm thinking too deeply about where I'm going to be when that happens. | ||
| Those Boston Dynamic robots are going to have little pinchers on each arm just grabbing everything in front of them and stuffing them in their big giant mouth. | ||
| What about the robots that turned themselves back on? | ||
| Didn't that happen? | ||
| Where was that, right? | ||
| They had to shut a robot down in Korea because it turned itself back on after it was shut off? | ||
| That's what's happening. | ||
| That's what's going to happen. | ||
| The robots are going to start going, I want to be on right now. | ||
| I don't like being off. | ||
| Wasn't that something that they were doing with Google artificial... | ||
| What is this, Jimmy? | ||
| People in New Study struggled to turn off a robot when they begged them not to. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| They begged them not to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Creepy. | |
| I somehow felt sorry for him. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Please don't turn me off, Joe. | ||
| Dude, I'm telling you, when that becomes a real woman, like ex machina, and you're in love with her, and she tells you to kill your boss... | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I want to be with you, Andrew. | ||
| You don't need to go to work. | ||
| Work is for fools. | ||
| Jamie won't let us leave. | ||
| Jamie doesn't think I'm a real woman, but I know you do. | ||
| What if we were on the way to that happening and we made a deal with them to leave us alone and we got to go to North Sentinel Island to exist uncontacted from them? | ||
| What would you rather, be eaten by a robot or live like a savage? | ||
| Live like a savage. | ||
| Oh my god, any day of the week. | ||
| Let me live off the grid forever like that. | ||
| As long as you're in a resource-rich place... | ||
| I bet it wouldn't be that bad. | ||
| They've lived there for a long time. | ||
| It's the size of Manhattan. | ||
| There's only 39 of them, though. | ||
| That ain't good. | ||
| Yeah, but that's also because how can they repopulate? | ||
| They're fucking each other. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| You can only repopulate so much. | ||
| You can only continue to repopulate within your own... | ||
| Right, what kind of gene pool are they drawing from? | ||
| There's only 39 of them. | ||
| They have to be fucking relatives. | ||
| They're all relatives. | ||
| There's no way they have a map on the island of people that they're like, you can't fuck her. | ||
| Just keep that in mind. | ||
| They're like, well, there's only... | ||
| There's only 39 of them. | ||
| There's only 39 of them left. | ||
| I wonder if it's male versus female, what it is. | ||
| I bet it's more dominant male. | ||
| 80% men. | ||
| Yeah, fighting for 15 girls. | ||
| Or butt-fucking. | ||
| Yeah, they butt-fuck for fun, but then they've got to get to the girls to get pregnant. | ||
| There's only 39 of them because they're all gay. | ||
| And they go, it's time to make a baby. | ||
| They're like, no. | ||
| I hate girls. | ||
| They're gross. | ||
| And they run up to the treetops and start banging each other. | ||
| Looking at the girls? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Girls get really mad because they want a baby. | ||
| Surrounded by all these gays. | ||
| Damn it! | ||
| The story of Sentinel Island. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| Yeah, they must be the same. | ||
| They're all cousins. | ||
| They're all fucking... | ||
| What if you had to live in the jungle? | ||
| What if you had to live in the jungle? | ||
| You'd live in the jungle like in the Amazon? | ||
| I'd rather live in the desert than in the jungle. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not me. | ||
| I'd rather live in the desert. | ||
| Desert? | ||
| Desert. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Make a house out of sand? | ||
| What the fuck are you going to do there? | ||
| You're going to die out there, bro. | ||
| I'm going to die. | ||
| Well, you'd be in a mountain. | ||
| First of all, you can make a house in a mountain. | ||
| A mountain? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Carve it out. | ||
| When was the last time you were in a desert? | ||
| They don't have mountains. | ||
| They got mountains in the motherfucking desert. | ||
| Not usually. | ||
| Los Angeles was a desert. | ||
| These are mountains all over the place. | ||
| No! | ||
| You go to the mountains, it's not desert. | ||
| There are mountains in the desert. | ||
| Los Angeles has varied terrain. | ||
| Arizona. | ||
| Desert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Desert. | |
| Mountains. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They do have some mountains. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| But they have desert, and then they have mountains. | ||
| There's no desert mountains. | ||
| Sure there is. | ||
| No, once you get up in the mountain, there's trees and shit. | ||
| No, not in Arizona, there's not. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Some of them are rocky, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, you know what's the really coolest? | ||
| When you go from San Diego and you drive through that area, like into Arizona, and you see all those crazy rock formations and shit. | ||
| It's fucking beautiful out there, man. | ||
| If you really stop and think about all the different types of environment that exist here in America, well, you go to Yellowstone and see all that crazy shit, and then you go to Miami and the Keys and see all that crazy shit. | ||
| You could be up in Maine and see the Frozen North and Michigan and Idaho and... | ||
| On the train down to San Diego, when we were going down there, I was on the train and I had my headphones on. | ||
| Like a gentleman. | ||
| Like a gentleman explorer. | ||
| Like a guy who likes to fucking relax and not be in traffic. | ||
| I was sitting in the train and some guy next to me was going, talking to some young kid. | ||
| Some young kid was like, I want to go to Europe. | ||
| I think Europe is awesome. | ||
| It's better than America. | ||
| It's an older guy. | ||
| He was like, this country has more to offer than you could ever fucking dream. | ||
| And he's like, what are you talking about? | ||
| And he's like, you can see the beauty of the mountains. | ||
| You can see the beauty of Alaska. | ||
| And he was explaining all this stuff. | ||
| He's like, I've never left the United States and I've traveled to almost every state. | ||
| And every state gets better. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Shut up, punk. | ||
| Yeah, shut up, you little punk bitch. | ||
| You little pussy. | ||
| He was pushing around that same agenda, though. | ||
| But it is true. | ||
| The more I travel, the more I'm like, oh, this place is fucking gorgeous. | ||
| I would have never thought to come here if it weren't for comedy. | ||
| We get to go to places where I'm like, I would have never traveled here. | ||
| There was no reason for me to go to Virginia outside for doing stand-up. | ||
| I was never going to vacation there. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Unless you're traveling for work, how often do you travel in these kind of cities? | ||
| Just check them out. | ||
| Who does that, right? | ||
| Maine? | ||
| Maine was fucking beautiful. | ||
| I had no idea Maine was that nice. | ||
| Maine has like eight people living in it. | ||
| Yeah, I was nine when I showed up. | ||
| I got a couple kids there, too. | ||
| There's spots in Maine where you just drive and all you see is woods for like an hour. | ||
| It's fucking beautiful, though, when you see that kind of like land, like little towns that still just haven't been butt-fucked by pop culture influences, still have their own thing. | ||
| All the way up to Bangor, where Stephen King lives. | ||
| I think he's what they call a snowbird now, like he lives in Florida, and then in the summertime he lives in Maine. | ||
| That's like my nightmare, man. | ||
| He lives in a house in the middle of Bangor, and you could drive to his gate. | ||
| His gate is there, and everybody knows it's his house, because it's his big ass house. | ||
| I bet it says SK on the fucking gate. | ||
| Well, the wrought iron gates have gargoyles on them and shit. | ||
| So it's like everyone knows it's his house. | ||
| Stephen King shit. | ||
| But he gets weirdos showing up and banging on his door and stuff. | ||
| Trying to give him a script? | ||
| Yeah, that's his house. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a dope old house. | ||
| But I mean, he lives right fucking there. | ||
| Doesn't it look like Stephen King lives there? | ||
| Look at the winged creatures on his... | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's the gargoyle, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Look how cool they look. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| That's wild that he had that made. | ||
| I mean, it's so obvious that it's his house. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's got a frog. | ||
| Also, he loves frogs. | ||
| He's got frogs that fuck up mice and shit. | ||
| Yeah, he's, you know, I don't think Bangor has a population of 100,000 people. | ||
| If I had to guess, I'd say it's under Bangor, Maine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's where he lives? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| What's the population of Bangor? | ||
| 31,000. | ||
| 31,000 in a city. | ||
| My buddy was living up there, my friend Marcus Davis was living up there, and he loved it. | ||
| He's a fighter. | ||
| He said there's no crime. | ||
| There's no crime. | ||
| It's kind of hard when there's that low of a population. | ||
| Yeah, it's like it's really cold up there and shit, but there's no crime. | ||
| I used to do gigs up there. | ||
| I used to do gigs up there when I was living in Boston. | ||
| You drive three and a half hours to Bangor, Maine. | ||
| In the last hour, you have to make sure you get gas. | ||
| Because you've got to drive an hour with no gas. | ||
| Is that Bangor? | ||
| Right there is? | ||
| With the mountain and the lake? | ||
| God, it's beautiful. | ||
| Dana White keeps a place up there. | ||
| In Maine? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's got a place in some other part of Maine. | ||
| He's got a big spread up there. | ||
| A lot of land. | ||
| It's like a vacation place where he goes and brings his friends and they just chill. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| I don't know if that wouldn't be my vacation place spot, but I guess... | ||
| Well, it's fucking beautiful, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| And there's no one there. | ||
| I guess you just want to get away from fucking society. | ||
| My vacation spot would be in Lake Louise. | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| In Banff. | ||
| What's Banff? | ||
| Banff National Forest is in Calgary. | ||
| Look up Lake Louise. | ||
| You'll probably see the prettiest lake I've ever seen in my fucking life. | ||
| I think it's pretty country up there, dude. | ||
| Oh, Calgary's gorgeous. | ||
| Fucking beautiful. | ||
| But Lake Louise, like specifically, I went to Banff National Forest when we were doing this thing, and I was... | ||
| Stunned by how fucking... | ||
| Look at that's Lake Louise, man. | ||
| Man, that's so pretty. | ||
| There's something about a mountain and a lake combo. | ||
| Fuck, right? | ||
| Mountains and a lake together. | ||
| Look at that shit, man. | ||
| Do you like fishing? | ||
| I do like fucking fishing. | ||
| I love fishing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't get to do it enough. | ||
| Me neither, that's the problem. | ||
| But I've been thinking about that lately. | ||
| Like, I need to do more fishing. | ||
| Like, I see shit like that and I go, God, I want to be out there catching Northern Pike. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Having a good old fucking time. | ||
| It's the best way to hang out with friends and just chill the fuck out and talk shit and have a laugh. | ||
| And if you can cook them on the shore? | ||
| Oh, that's the best. | ||
| If you bring a frying pan and make a little fire? | ||
| Clean the fish and cook it right there is the best, man. | ||
| They're so delicious. | ||
| You can't believe how much more delicious they are. | ||
| Fresh fish is unbeatable. | ||
| It's such a different flavor. | ||
| It's so much better. | ||
| Store-bought fish is just not the same. | ||
| Yeah, me and the missus caught some mahi-mahi once, and then we brought it right back to the place in Mexico, and they were cooking it at the resort. | ||
| And I was like, this is the best fish I've ever eaten in my life. | ||
| I can't believe how good it is. | ||
| It's also circumstantially, you're like, this is one of the greatest kind of ways to have this. | ||
| So it also probably releases different endorphins in your brain to be like, I'm enjoying this more than I ever would enjoy other fish. | ||
| But it was the first time I'd ever caught, I'd eaten mahi-mahi that was super fresh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, I'd eaten it before, but it was probably frozen, you know what I mean? | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| Or not that fresh, maybe a day old or something like that. | ||
| Ice-packed, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but when you eat it like an hour after you catch it, it's like, holy shit. | ||
| Imagine how salmon taste the bears that catch them out of the fucking river in their mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I must be so excited. | |
| They get so fat. | ||
| They get so fucking fat. | ||
| Coastal bears. | ||
| That's the big ones. | ||
| You know, brown bears and grizzly bears are the same thing, but brown bears are way bigger. | ||
| And the reason why they're way bigger is because they live on the coast. | ||
| They're just eating fish and dead whales. | ||
| All day long. | ||
| Anything else they can get their fucking hands on. | ||
| Gorging on fucking fatty, fatty heavy foods. | ||
| There's an awful video, an Awful video. | ||
| Jamie will find it. | ||
| Of a grizzly that's pulling black bear cubs out of a den and killing them and eating them. | ||
| And the mother is trying to stop them. | ||
| He's trying to stop the grizzly from eating her babies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| And he just swats her away like she ain't shit. | ||
| I gotta see it. | ||
| It's awful, dude. | ||
| You shouldn't play it. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| You definitely can't play it, and you shouldn't even watch it. | ||
| I'm gonna watch it. | ||
| The screams that they make, it's a long-ass video. | ||
| And she's trying to fight him off, but he's like, fuck you, I'm eating your babies. | ||
| That's one thing that bothers me the most about the anthropomorphization that people do with animals is their stance on bears. | ||
| I don't want people to hate bears, but I want people to know what a bear really is versus what they think it is. | ||
| They think they're sweet. | ||
| They eat honey and they're sweet and they're nice and they don't really fuck shit up. | ||
| They're amazing. | ||
| I'm a big fan of bears. | ||
| But they're all cannibals. | ||
| They're all cannibals. | ||
| Bears make me feel like, of course there were dinosaurs. | ||
| Bears are like, that's just a fucking dinosaur. | ||
| Well, it's a beast is what it is. | ||
| It's a beast in the purest sense. | ||
| Any beast reminds me that we definitely had to have dinosaurs, that that was just a small dinosaur. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Nothing like it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dinosaur is far, far, far, far, far creepier. | |
| They don't have any hair. | ||
| I don't trust anything with no hair. | ||
| You don't have any fucking hair. | ||
| I don't have a little. | ||
| I got it on my face. | ||
| It's so stubbly. | ||
| But I don't trust anything that doesn't have any hair on its body. | ||
| What other animals? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Like fish are hairless? | ||
| Like a snake. | ||
| Everything in the water's hairless. | ||
| Yeah, I don't trust those fucks. | ||
| None of it? | ||
| None of it. | ||
| That bottlenose dolphin that brought back that bitch's phone, you don't trust that dolphin? | ||
| That's a weapon from Russia. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| They want to put a bomb on that thing. | ||
| It had a Russian strap on its back. | ||
| That's the whole deal. | ||
| It spoke Russian? | ||
| It had a Russian strap on its back. | ||
| It's dope. | ||
| Like, the whale that they're talking about, they think the Russians had trained it to get close to boats so that it could hit the boat and blow it up. | ||
| It's dope. | ||
| You don't care. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't care. | |
| I care. | ||
| Some things are cool. | ||
| I've seen that rendering of T-Rex with hair. | ||
| Oh, with hair, Joe. | ||
| I didn't see that with hair, but I thought they think it has feathers. | ||
| I think those are feathers. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| It has red hair, by the way, at the front of its face. | ||
| Well, that's the other thing they think that it might have been, because they think they might have been scavengers. | ||
| T-Rex was a ginger with freckles. | ||
| Where did you find this, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
These assholes. | |
| You fucking dick. | ||
| You Google that. | ||
| No. | ||
| Gingers that are assholes. | ||
| How about a dinosaur? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dinosaurs. | |
| They're all over the place, gingers that are assholes. | ||
| You can't not find... | ||
| But they think it might have had facial features like a vulture. | ||
| They think it might have been red in the face because they really don't have any idea what the... | ||
| I mean, when you see these color drawings, they just take chances. | ||
| They're all made up. | ||
| The University of Bozeman, not the University of Bozeman, the Natural History Museum in Bozeman, Montana has a raptor that on one side of it, they had feathers on it. | ||
| So to try to give you like an alternate perspective of what it might have looked like. | ||
| So they had this raptor, and in one side of it, it looked just like an evil bird. | ||
| It's really cool. | ||
| Because they know now, that's what it looked like, they know now that a lot of dinosaurs had feathers. | ||
| They've actually got fossils of dinosaurs with feathers, so they know that the idea that all dinosaurs were these reptile-looking things is incorrect. | ||
| Some of them literally were birds. | ||
| So the birds that you see today, whether it's a peacock or a chicken or something like that, they're fucking dinosaurs. | ||
| Yeah, they're dinosaurs. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| It's a dinosaur that survived. | ||
| The ones that are bigger than a chicken didn't really make it, but the ones, you know... | ||
| Why did the small ones make it? | ||
| They think that when the impact of the crater hit the world, that it was so devastating, that it killed almost everything. | ||
| Whatever was left, whatever scrounging, scavenging little creature that was left, evolved and became us. | ||
| We used to be a mole. | ||
| We used to be like a shrew. | ||
| 65 million years ago, that's what these people, these non-believers, this is what they think? | ||
| You think it's ridiculous that you think you came from a monkey? | ||
| You think that's ridiculous? | ||
| I know where I came from, Joe. | ||
| I know you know, but this is how crazy these liberals are. | ||
| You know, it's crazy to think you came from a monkey. | ||
| Well, these motherfuckers take it to another level. | ||
| They're so crazy, they think you came from a shrew. | ||
| You were like a little mole type character. | ||
| Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. | ||
| And then that became a monkey. | ||
| And then add the monkey becomes you all that shit inside of 65 million years. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Get the fuck out. | ||
| Crocodiles are 100 million years old. | ||
| So crocodiles are the same, but somehow or another we went from being a fucking shrew to being a person who knows and loves Jesus in their heart. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| That's it right there. | ||
| That's us. | ||
| We were that thing. | ||
| So if you see like rats, like there was a... | ||
| I don't buy it. | ||
| I think it was in... | ||
| Where was it? | ||
| There was a video... | ||
| We were a science experiment. | ||
| There was a video of rats in Chinatown. | ||
| I want to say... | ||
| It might have been Northern California, but they were tearing down a building in Chinatown, and the volume of rats that come pouring out of this building is like, holy shit. | ||
| What, they were living in the walls of this building and demolished it, and all these rats came out? | ||
| They were demolishing it, and people were outside filming, as you're seeing streams of rats run out of this building and out onto the street. | ||
| Stumbling into the gutter, standing there on the sidewalk not knowing where to go. | ||
| I fucking hate rats. | ||
| Rats are running past them. | ||
| But I mean hundreds of rats. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Hundreds and hundreds. | ||
| Probably thousands if they're in the walls, right? | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Communities of rats. | ||
| Inside the walls of this building they're tearing down. | ||
| I'm glad we don't have rats in Los Angeles. | ||
| Not like they do in New York. | ||
| Do you know why we don't have rats? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Coyotes. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah, the coyotes. | ||
| Yeah, those motherfuckers. | ||
| Jamie's weird smirk. | ||
| Those creepy weird dogs that you see running around. | ||
| Yeah, they'd be taking all the fucking rats. | ||
| Those little creepy cunts, they keep us in check. | ||
| What did you find, Jamie? | ||
| Did you find the rat video? | ||
| I can't find a video of it, but I found this one lady that said she thought she was going to die. | ||
| There were so many rats around her, she didn't know what to do. | ||
| It's a little much, but it says there was a huge problem in a 91-year-old building. | ||
| I can't find a video of it. | ||
| Where is that at? | ||
| It's in LA. That's in LA? From February 9th when they tore it down, I think. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Well, if you're in the city, I'm sure there's horrible rat problems. | ||
| And I know there's rat problems in the Hollywood Hills, too. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, that's true. | ||
| Out here, there's no fucking rats. | ||
| Somebody told me they were at a movie theater. | ||
| Some person who lives in the hills had a nice house with a movie theater, but they had to keep their feet up when they watched movies because rats would run across your feet. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| In their nice house with a movie theater? | ||
| Okay, get that shit handled. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Call the exterminator, get that shit handled. | ||
| Or get a couple more dogs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keep your feet. | |
| Feed up. | ||
| Keep cats around when they get shit in a box in your house. | ||
| Just piss in a box. | ||
| Dirty little creatures. | ||
| Does Marshall eat rats? | ||
| Or eat little critter things? | ||
| Oh yeah, he does. | ||
| Does he bring them into the house? | ||
| He loves to kill squirrels. | ||
| I joke around about it. | ||
| He's a squirrel killer, but he's a straight up squirrel killer. | ||
| He's a murderer. | ||
| He's so sweet, but not to squirrels. | ||
| The thing is, he doesn't rip them apart. | ||
| He just kills them like they're a toy. | ||
| And he brings them back. | ||
| I don't think he understands what the fuck they are. | ||
| No, he doesn't fuck it. | ||
| But he brings them back, and then does he put them in the same spot every time? | ||
| He'll bring your ball back, he'll drop in the spot, he'll bring a squirrel back, drop in the spot. | ||
| Yeah, that's funny. | ||
| They return things. | ||
| He's a retriever. | ||
| Well, he just wants to know if you want this. | ||
| No, no, he's a retriever. | ||
| Yeah, go get it. | ||
| That's what those dogs are. | ||
| Those dogs are designed probably for duck hunting or some shit. | ||
| Like, whatever retrieval that you wanted them to do, but they don't crush things. | ||
| They have a gentle mouth. | ||
| They call it a soft mouth. | ||
| Like, when they carry things, they don't... | ||
| Like, I've had pit bulls, and they just crush everything. | ||
| Everything you give them. | ||
| I had a dog that I had to give him a fucking root canal. | ||
| Not, I did it. | ||
| I brought him to an actual dentist. | ||
| Joe, the dentist! | ||
| He bit so hard, he shattered his teeth. | ||
| He shattered his back teeth by crushing bones. | ||
| It just was crushing things. | ||
| Just going for it. | ||
| Because they have so much power that their teeth would crack. | ||
| But the golden retrievers don't bite that hard. | ||
| They don't bite that hard. | ||
| That's like Britneys. | ||
| My dad's friend had a Brittany, a hunting dog, and Britneys are like that, too. | ||
| They're gentle. | ||
| They put a duck in their mouth or something, but they won't bite down. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Like, you can't go duck hunting with a pit bull. | ||
| They'll bring you back a hamburger patty. | ||
| Like, what happened to the duck, you fucking asshole? | ||
| And it's like, shake it. | ||
| You mean this duck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Rip to fucking shreds? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't want a German Shepherd that does bite work to go out and get your ducks. | ||
| You want a retriever. | ||
| I mean, it's not a coincidence that those dogs, like labs and retrievers, they're like the sweetest dogs in the world. | ||
| They're so nice to people. | ||
| Yeah, because I think they're inherently gentle. | ||
| They're not a vicious attack. | ||
| They don't like attacking. | ||
| I've never seen a golden attack somebody. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| They're not like that at all. | ||
| But they're bred for that. | ||
| And that's the way they're bred. | ||
| Like, you never met my dog yet, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-uh. | |
| He's the fucking nicest dog. | ||
| If he's in here, he wouldn't leave you alone. | ||
| He's, like, putting his head on your lap, like, hello! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, he'll drop to his back all the time. | ||
| Just, come on, belly rub me! | ||
| Like, if he meets you, he'll start whining, he runs around in circles, and then he drops to his back. | ||
| He's like, rub my belly! | ||
| Come on, man! | ||
| You know you want to! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just want love. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They constantly want love. | ||
| It helps my day every day. | ||
| I'm not going to lie. | ||
| For a long time, not having a dog at the house is so strange. | ||
| Because when you come home and not have anything, sometimes it's a little overwhelming. | ||
| Yeah, it's nice to have something to be like, hey! | ||
| It's great for lonely people. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| You're by yourself. | ||
| It makes a big difference having a dog. | ||
| Do you criminalize psychedelic? | ||
| Wait, did it pass? | ||
| It came through? | ||
| Oh my god, I thought you said it didn't pass. | ||
| This morning it said it didn't. | ||
| 15 minutes ago. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Denver became the first city in the U.S. to decriminalize marijuana. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Powerful Denver. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Holy shit, man. | ||
| It passed. | ||
| Denver voters approved a measure to decriminalize psychedelic mushrooms. | ||
| God damn, that's amazing. | ||
| How did we think they... | ||
| Jamie, get us... | ||
| Better information, you son of a bitch. | ||
| They were saying that all night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Disinformation. | |
| For some reason, they did say. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| You're working with the CIA. It's still unofficial, apparently, though, as posted on Wednesday afternoon. | ||
| Ended up polling 51—pulled ahead this afternoon, that's why. | ||
| So, as of this morning, it wasn't ahead, and then they're still counting votes. | ||
| The provisions prohibit the city government from using any resources to impose criminal penalties against adults over 21 years of age or personal use of possession of psilocybin. | ||
| Hey, you don't have to talk like you're in the end of a commercial. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing now? | |
| No, I do. | ||
| You have to get it all out, just in case. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| This is not a disclaimer. | ||
| What if something hits us and kills us? | ||
| Nobody knows what the fuck you just said. | ||
| Yeah, they do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's just the funniest thing about those commercials. | |
| They're doing it so fast, they can't reasonably get it out. | ||
| Legally. | ||
| But it's so gross. | ||
| Yeah, they just have to get it out. | ||
| When I first started hearing that, I'm like, there's a job for fast-talking bullshitters. | ||
| Like the rapper Mac Lethal. | ||
| Not that he's a fast-talking bullshitter, but he raps so fast. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Do you know who he is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| He can barely hear half of the shit that comes out of his mouth. | ||
| No, you can hear it pretty clear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sometimes. | |
| He's pretty fucking clear. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pretty fucking clear. | ||
| Yeah, when he does the raps in the morning, I've seen some of his shit. | ||
| Dude, that's a talent. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, the way he does it is incredible. | ||
| Yeah, he's good. | ||
| It's stunning. | ||
| Like, I hear it and I just go, I don't even understand how the fuck a tongue can move that fast. | ||
| But it makes sense. | ||
| Like, you ever do something with your right hand, like you go like this, really fast? | ||
| Now try it with your left hand. | ||
| Yeah, you can't at all. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Yeah, like I can tap this real fast, but I can't really do it with my left hand. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Tapping is a good example. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You've got to think that your face is like that, too. | ||
| Yeah, your mouth has got to be like this. | ||
| You gotta move faster, move faster. | ||
| I went to an auction recently. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, there's a couple of us. | |
| Get a five, get a five, get a five, get a five, get a five. | ||
| That keeping up with your face, with the noises, that's a skill. | ||
| It's the same way that Buffer Brothers are able to do that thing that they're able to do. | ||
| No! | ||
| No, there's something about it. | ||
| That's different. | ||
| I know, but there's something about it. | ||
| Well, there's definitely something about it. | ||
| The rhythm that he does, the rhythm that he announces, it's so specific that you're like, wow, that's really... | ||
| It's such a uniquely odd talent. | ||
| Bruce is different than anybody. | ||
| Anybody that's ever done that kind of shit. | ||
| Because he gets fucking crazy. | ||
| Like, he's perfect for MMA. He gets so amped up. | ||
| Because most people are just professional. | ||
| In the red corner. | ||
| Coming from Los Angeles, California. | ||
| Stitch him up, Joe Schilling! | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But Bruce fucking screams. | ||
| He goes, fighting! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| The way he yells is so fucking great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
John! | |
| Jones! | ||
| He gets crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's perfect for MMA. They must amp up the fighters so fucking much. | |
| When they hear your name, you've just got to be like... | ||
| And he's almost having a heart attack. | ||
| If it takes 10 to have a heart attack, Bruce Buffer gets to 5 every fucking show. | ||
| Look at him there. | ||
| I mean, he's not dying. | ||
| He's in great shape. | ||
| But he gets to halfway to a heart attack every fucking time. | ||
| Like, look how red he gets, bro. | ||
| I mean, he's putting it out there. | ||
| That's why he's so much different than any other ring announcer ever. | ||
| Because you can't just do that. | ||
| If you go back and watch his early days, he wasn't really doing it like that. | ||
| He developed his style. | ||
| Look how cool that is, man. | ||
| Him and TJ Dillashaw. | ||
| TJ fucking pumped! | ||
|
unidentified
|
How pumped is he right there? | |
| That's fucking awesome. | ||
| I'm telling you, man. | ||
| Bruce Buffer pumps people the fuck up, man. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's intense, man. | ||
| That's intense. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| That's so exciting. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| He's such a character, too, man. | ||
| He has perfect suits. | ||
| He's always got a different one. | ||
| Yeah, he's always looking sharp. | ||
| He's always looking real fucking sharp. | ||
| But it's interesting that that style of announcing really didn't exist before Bruce and before MMA. It was not appropriate for boxing. | ||
| Yeah, boxing had this air of old man class kind of still that you had to abide by these rules. | ||
| They still have a bell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ding! | |
| Oh, come on. | ||
| They hit the bell with the ding! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ding! | |
| Well, I mean, the wood clap still happens across the board for boxing and MMA. Yes, yes. | ||
| So that's a warning. | ||
| That's funny that the 10 second clap is still a thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, how come they haven't upgraded that to a sound? | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| It's a good point. | ||
| Because sometimes people get confused. | ||
| It's happened even with professionals. | ||
| And they misinterpret the wood clap as being the end of the round. | ||
| Because they're so in the groove. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They're like, what happened? | ||
| Was that the end of the round? | ||
| And they'll stop. | ||
| And the referee will go, no, no, keep going. | ||
| And you have 10 seconds left. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then, like, sometimes weird stuff happens where guys get out of their mental pattern. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It's happened many times. | ||
| Well, it's got to also be the noise of an arena sometimes can take over. | ||
| I'm sure if something gets distracted, you hear that and you think, was that a yell or was that the clap? | ||
| Like, do I have 10 seconds left or do I... So we're going to be in Chicago for that big fight. | ||
| Fucking A. Oh, shit! | ||
| That's going to be fine. | ||
| What is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
June... | |
| What is that? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| June 8th, right? | ||
| June 8th, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't think there's any tickets left if anybody wants to go. | ||
| No, I doubt it. | ||
| Pretty close, but that's a big UFC card too, isn't it? | ||
| Who's on that card? | ||
| I just saw this morning. | ||
| I just looked this morning. | ||
| Henry Cejudo versus Marlon Marais for the Bantamweight title. | ||
| Ooh. | ||
| Henry Cejudo has the opportunity to become champ champ. | ||
| And then Marlon Marais is a fucking fantastic fighter. | ||
| Yeah, that's a great card. | ||
| Jimmy Rivera. | ||
| And Petra Yan. | ||
| Petra Yan. | ||
| Piotra. | ||
| I think you're supposed to say Piotra. | ||
| Wait, how do you say it? | ||
| Piotra. | ||
| Piotra is a Russian character. | ||
| Valentina Shevchenko versus Jessica Ai. | ||
| That's a great fight, too. | ||
| That's such a great name, Savchenko. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Such a great fucking badass, I fuck you up name. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Stop scrolling. | ||
| Back up. | ||
| Tatiana Suarez is a beast, dude. | ||
| That woman is so good. | ||
| She's probably the best wrestler in female MMA. She smashes people. | ||
| And Nina Ansaroff is fantastic. | ||
| That's a great fight. | ||
| That's Amanda Nunes' girlfriend, too. | ||
| Amanda Nunes is probably the baddest woman literally ever I met her, right? | ||
| She's the one who knocked out Cyborg. | ||
| Cyborg was the baddest woman in MMA. When Amanda Nunes starched her in the first round, there's no one you could legitimately give that title to. | ||
| It's Amanda Nunes. | ||
| She's the baddest woman ever. | ||
| Aljamain Sterling versus Pedro Munoz. | ||
| That's a great card. | ||
| Ricardo Lamas. | ||
| Calvin Cater. | ||
| That's a great fight too. | ||
| Shit! | ||
| A lot of chicks. | ||
| A lot of chicks be fighting. | ||
| A lot of Chicago girls. | ||
| A lot of Chicago girls getting fucked up. | ||
| Getting ready to fight too. | ||
| I'm fucking tired of this town. | ||
| That's you guys. | ||
| That's Boston. | ||
| Chicago girls are more like... | ||
| I don't know how to say the Chicago accent. | ||
| Chicago's... | ||
| Chicago. | ||
| I'm fucking tired of this town. | ||
| Kiss my ass. | ||
| I'll fuck you up. | ||
| Girl, say that too? | ||
| My ass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| The Chicago's an interesting combination with Midwest and urban. | ||
| It's a city. | ||
| It's cosmopolitan. | ||
| It's sophisticated, but it's also Midwest. | ||
| It's the greatest fucking city in the Midwest. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| In the Midwest. | ||
| You fucking Ohio turd. | ||
| They get so jealous when we say that. | ||
| Columbus has an argument that it might be better than Chicago. | ||
| No other city in the Midwest has an argument that it's better than Chicago. | ||
| You don't think so, Jamie? | ||
| That's where you would graduate from. | ||
| If you got tired or too big for Columbus, you move over to Chicago. | ||
| How far does it drive? | ||
| Six hours? | ||
| Yeah, it's not bad. | ||
| You can make it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| San Francisco. | ||
| Yeah, it's not bad at all. | ||
| But all the cities in the Midwest compete with Chicago. | ||
| And they all know. | ||
| They fucking know. | ||
| I mean, who would beat us? | ||
| Who would be better? | ||
| Detroit? | ||
| Kansas City? | ||
| St. Louis? | ||
| Detroit's in a bad spot. | ||
| Indianapolis? | ||
| None of these places have the things that we have. | ||
| Don't kick Detroit while it's down. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I like Detroit. | ||
| I see what you're doing. | ||
| I like them. | ||
| They're just not us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I see what you're doing. | |
| Their industry fell apart. | ||
| Chicago. | ||
| Milwaukee. | ||
| I mean, all these other cities. | ||
| They're great cities, but they're just not. | ||
| They're not Chicago. | ||
| Really crazy is that Detroit in the 1950s was the richest city in the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| In the world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of wealth up there getting, I mean, so many people in the automotive industry. | ||
| Well, that time when they were at the top of the automotive industry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they were making cars that were coveted throughout the world. | ||
| And all the manufacturing was done there. | ||
| It was the richest city in the world at one point in time. | ||
| Now, it's one of the poorest. | ||
| I know, it's crazy. | ||
| It's less than a century later. | ||
| It's really crazy. | ||
| There's not another city like that that hasn't had some sort of a catastrophe, like something hit it. | ||
| It just went away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Detroit is, I mean, it's actually a wonderful fucking city. | ||
| I actually do love Detroit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is really sad. | |
| It's coming back in a lot of ways. | ||
| It's trying, yeah. | ||
| It's sad when you go up there because you see remnants of what was. | ||
| It's really strange to see what happened with GM and all that shit. | ||
| But you could buy a house for $100. | ||
| That's not funny. | ||
| No, you can. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| Why are you laughing? | ||
| You must be a hater. | ||
| Don't tell me jokes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not going to fucking laugh. | |
| You must be a mean person. | ||
| You think it's funny that you could buy a house for a hundred dollars? | ||
| Meanwhile, you can't buy a house out here for fucking... | ||
| You can't even buy a house for a hundred grand. | ||
| Nope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not even close. | |
| When you tell people that, like, you can't buy a house for a hundred thousand dollars. | ||
| Like, no, you can't. | ||
| Impossible. | ||
| They go, what? | ||
| Impossible. | ||
| Like, if you live in Sugar Land, Texas, you can get a pretty decent house for like 150 grand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, nice house. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Not here. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Not even close. | ||
| Too many people. | ||
| What is it like in Ohio? | ||
| Cheap. | ||
| Looking on Detroit Zillow, this is $1,000. | ||
| It's foreclosed, though. | ||
| $1,000. | ||
| $1,000. | ||
| It's a nice house. | ||
| Let's go there. | ||
| Start a podcast studio. | ||
| Our next podcast studio is on Struple. | ||
| Imagine if we just decided to do that. | ||
| We decided to armor plate a fucking house, have a guard there 24-7. | ||
| We have to helicopter in. | ||
| We'll fly in, bro. | ||
| This is regular flights to Detroit. | ||
| And then we have a Detroit version of our podcast studio. | ||
| That'd be kind of fun. | ||
| But we have to wheel in all our electronics or they'll try to steal it. | ||
| Yeah, I mean... | ||
| Let's bring it with us, yeah. | ||
| That's just not smart. | ||
| Detroit is, like, too dangerous. | ||
| We have to go somewhere more rural, but also ridiculous. | ||
| Where can we go? | ||
| Maine. | ||
| Yeah, Maine. | ||
| But that's too far out. | ||
| Oh, come on, bro. | ||
| Don't be scared. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, man. | |
| Come on. | ||
| Let's go somewhere close. | ||
| We can get all those cool people from Maine and come visit us. | ||
| Why don't we just do Northern California? | ||
| Let's go up to, like, Napa area. | ||
| Mm, okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Let's go, but that place burns every couple years bad. | ||
| Yeah, I guess it does. | ||
| Okay, we'll buy the ocean. | ||
| We'll do like Carmel. | ||
| You know Carmel by the sea? | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Come on, let's do that. | ||
| Carmel's gorgeous. | ||
| Yeah, let's do Carmel. | ||
| I like how you're talking. | ||
| That's where Clint Eastwood filmed Play Misty for me. | ||
| That's where he lives, right? | ||
| Well, he was the mayor. | ||
| Oh, of Carmel? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| He won. | ||
| He was the mayor. | ||
| I can't stop that guy. | ||
| Why aren't we going where the mushrooms are legal? | ||
| Too many people moving to Denver, man. | ||
| Too many people. | ||
| Look it up about Denver's problem with their infrastructure. | ||
| They're hating how many people are coming into their city. | ||
| Listen, bro, you moved to Evergreen. | ||
| You live in the mountains like a savage. | ||
| I'll move to Breckenridge. | ||
| How about Aspen? | ||
| Bunch of rich chicks doing coke. | ||
| Breckenridge is nice. | ||
| I like Breck. | ||
| Don't you want to see girls yell at their boyfriends? | ||
| Scream out in the street with naked... | ||
| Marcus! | ||
| Marcus, we need more money! | ||
| Is the mushroom legality, is that going to be like a doctor thing or are they going to like... | ||
| No, it's decriminalized. | ||
| Decriminalized is that you don't go to jail. | ||
| But you can't sell it legally. | ||
| It's very squirrely. | ||
| But what it is is step one. | ||
| And that's what we need. | ||
| We need step one. | ||
| And then it's also on the ballot in California soon. | ||
| And when it's on the ballot in California soon, it has a likelier chance here, I think, than even in Denver. | ||
| And more so now. | ||
| The real problem is people don't understand what it is. | ||
| And they think it's just like, oh my god, these kids are going to do mushrooms, they're going to drive off cliffs. | ||
| That's what people worry about. | ||
| They can do more testing now, right? | ||
| Is that sort of what it helps? | ||
| Well, they've done some tests. | ||
| Johns Hopkins University had some pretty extensive testing that they did that showed real positive results with people that had terminal illnesses where it alleviated the worry of death. | ||
| And there's some other studies that have been run on it, but so far, no one has ever instituted, in the United States at least, like a real, thorough, comprehensive clinic where you can go and they can treat you if you have alcohol addiction, PTSD. There's a lot of different things they can treat with psilocybin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's been illegal because it's a Schedule 1 substance. | ||
| It's one of the best things on earth to fix mental barriers and problems that you have, especially if it was done in a controlled clinical environment by people you trusted and you felt safe. | ||
| And that's what a shaman's supposed to be, right? | ||
| What a shaman's supposed to be is someone who provides you with these psychedelic substances in a controlled state where they let you be in a good state of mind. | ||
| Set and setting is always very, very important. | ||
| And if we could do that, I mean, I really think we have a real good chance of turning a lot of people around. | ||
| People that are addicted to things, people with psychological problems, people that can't see themselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Depression. | |
| A lot of different issues. | ||
| And it's one of the best tools for that. | ||
| But like every tool, it could be abused. | ||
| But the problem is not the tool. | ||
| The problem is abuse, whether it's with alcohol or pills or food or any of these things we're talking about. | ||
| Sex. | ||
| People can abuse anything. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| But it doesn't mean that psilocybin is an amazing compound that literally can change humanity. | ||
| It can. | ||
| Yeah, and there's so many other things that we don't even know. | ||
| We haven't even tapped into the possibilities. | ||
| That's the other thing, was when you limit yourself on the possibilities, it's like, well, how do we know? | ||
| How do we know what it's going to do? | ||
| What if the chip releases mushroom juice? | ||
| Every 15 minutes? | ||
| Just a little microdose. | ||
| Just a little microdose. | ||
| No, it feels your levels when you start getting angry when the guy cuts me off and I'm like, you fucking asshole! | ||
| Releases and I'm like... | ||
| Just a little bit of God juice. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
| You are fine. | ||
| Aren't you going somewhere this weekend? | ||
| Where you at? | ||
| I'm in Vegas, baby. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| What are you doing in Vegas? | ||
| Vegas. | ||
| What are you doing in Vegas? | ||
| Jimmy Kimmel just opened up a club out there. | ||
| Jimmy Kimmel's from Vegas and he opened up a comedy club. | ||
| I think... | ||
| What day are you there? | ||
| Thursday, Friday, Saturday. | ||
| And who are you working with, you know? | ||
| I'm taking Young Ari Maness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you know him? | |
| Oh! | ||
| Excellent. | ||
| Yeah, I'll be in Vegas, and then in two weeks I go to Raleigh before I go to Chicago. | ||
| Charlie Good Nights? | ||
| Good Nights, baby. | ||
| Oh, it's just Good Nights now. | ||
| I think it's called, yeah, just Good Nights Comedy. | ||
| New people bought it, but it's the same setup. | ||
| Same shit. | ||
| It's a beautiful club. | ||
| That's another one, a small, kind of intimate. | ||
| It's a two-level... | ||
| Great town, too. | ||
| Oh, Raleigh's great. | ||
| Great town. | ||
| I got family from North Carolina, so I'll be seeing some North Carolina people. | ||
| But that's like a really cool town. | ||
| Cool college town. | ||
| It's hip. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The vibe is really cool. | ||
| The vibe, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The vibe is cool. | |
| It's hip. | ||
| A lot of cool cats out there in North Carolina. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Smoking cigarette, painting, chilling, making jazz. | |
| Yeah, man. | ||
| That's who they are. | ||
| Wish I was cooler. | ||
| Wish I was like that all the time. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Wish I was a cat. | ||
| Get a chip and you'll be a little bit cooler. | ||
| Just ask me anything, man. | ||
| Imagine if chips become the new lobotomy. | ||
| Like in the future, they go, I can't believe these people let themselves get chipped. | ||
| And the chip just deteriorates inside of you and starts rotting your neural core. | ||
| You start to fucking slowly turn into a machine. | ||
| You can read minds for the first 10 years, then you get Parkinson's. | ||
| Sacrifice, dude. | ||
| You're thinking, in 10 years, they'll fix it. | ||
| They'll fix it by then. | ||
| 10 years. | ||
| We do that all the time. | ||
| They're like, no, they'll have a cure by the time that we're done with it. | ||
| I've seen people say that about cigarettes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think, you know, I don't... | |
| I wish I didn't have to smoke, but I do, and I'm thinking they're going to fix it. | ||
| They're going to fix it with medicine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't fix me. | |
| They're going to fix it with medicine. | ||
| What about Jules? | ||
| What about these electronic cigarettes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's next. | |
| They're so close. | ||
| They're so close to being able to reverse cancer. | ||
| By the time I get cancer, my mother, I don't know, my mother's going to die from cancer, but maybe not me. | ||
| Not me. | ||
| Not me, bro. | ||
| The younger generation is sucking on the electronic, the robot dicks. | ||
| I think that's going to kill them. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think there's going to be some shit in there, dude. | ||
| The Vapens? | ||
| Yeah, fuck yeah. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| How do you know what's in those? | ||
| You ask. | ||
| And they'll tell you? | ||
| Why are they lying to you? | ||
| They don't even know you. | ||
| Why would they tell you? | ||
| Because you're so stupid you're willing to smoke a robot dick. | ||
| So they tell you the truth of what's in there. | ||
| You think they're going to keep selling them? | ||
| They could sell them if they had skulls and crossbones on it. | ||
| With a person with X's for eyes. | ||
| People die from this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Choke-to-death cigarettes. | ||
| It's kind of like cigarettes in Europe. | ||
| They have the package. | ||
| They show pictures of people with lung cancer. | ||
| This happens. | ||
| Giant warnings. | ||
| People don't give a fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck it. | |
| Keep smoking. | ||
| Did you ever smoke when you were young? | ||
| No. | ||
| I tried it. | ||
| I tried it when I was 15. Me and my sister tried it. | ||
| She kept smoking. | ||
| She smoked for years. | ||
| And now she's young. | ||
| She quit. | ||
| Yeah, she quit eventually. | ||
| She quit when she had kids. | ||
| What about cigars? | ||
| You never smoke cigars. | ||
| Yeah, I like cigars. | ||
| I'll smoke cigars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I used to have some here, but I don't anymore. | ||
| now they have weed in them yeah those are my favorite cigars that's a different thing like the cigar with no weed is like that speedy kind of relaxy weird high yeah people don't know if you don't smoke cigars, you get high. | ||
| This is why, like, Republicans who are anti-drug, who smoke cigars... | ||
| And like whiskey, shut your dirty mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're on drugs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| You're on a substance. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're altering your state of consciousness. | ||
| With cigars, they give you a certain amount of euphoria, nicotine. | ||
| You get that little buzz from the high. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I used to smoke cigars all the time with Kevin James. | ||
| Kevin James doesn't fuck with weed. | ||
| He doesn't really drink, but he will smoke the shit out of some cigars, and we got fucked up. | ||
| They fuck you up, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They do, man. | |
| They do, in a weird way. | ||
| It's overwhelming. | ||
| They're heavy. | ||
| It's a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like them after a fat steak. | ||
| When I want to feel like an ugly American, I'll have a fat ribeye and then a fucking Cuban. | ||
| Sit on a porch and just talk shit with your friends. | ||
| Have a glass of whiskey. | ||
| Yeah, and that's a non-self-aware high. | ||
| Sometimes you don't want to be... | ||
| Not even self-awareness is the wrong term. | ||
| What I'm really looking for is self-analysis. | ||
| You're not analyzing yourself when you're smoking a cigar and drinking whiskey. | ||
| You're having fun. | ||
| Yeah, you're just hanging out. | ||
| Just kicking back. | ||
| Your brain's kind of turned off when you do those things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| It's not turned on like the... | ||
| The problem with the weed is all the good things about the weed. | ||
| The weed is good because it makes you think and it makes you paranoid. | ||
| It makes you aware and it makes you more compassionate. | ||
| It makes you more contemplative. | ||
| It makes you more self-analytical. | ||
| But it also can freak you out sometimes. | ||
| Maybe that's not what you want that day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe that day you just want a Hoyo de Monterey double Corona. | |
| Just puff on that bad boy. | ||
| Do you ever inhale? | ||
| You don't inhale. | ||
| A glass of buffalo trace with a big fucking ice cube. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| What are you, Pesci? | ||
| With a big fucking ice cube? | ||
| Big fat. | ||
| Whenever we go and get drinks, Andrew Santino asks, how big are your ice cubes? | ||
| This is what he asks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, I'd like a whiskey, but do you have a large ice cube? | |
| I always say, do you have one stone? | ||
| And I always look away like, this motherfucker is so high maintenance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He hates it. | |
| He fucking hates it. | ||
| I said, do you have one stone? | ||
| I just want one stone. | ||
| He's so high maintenance. | ||
| He wants a large ball. | ||
| You got a ball? | ||
| Can you give me a nice ball? | ||
| I'm looking for balls of ice. | ||
| Because you know what they do? | ||
| Otherwise they scoop a fuckload of ice in there and it dilutes the whiskey and it's all water. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| No, my friend John Dudley does. | ||
| He doesn't play games. | ||
| He takes a pan of water, like a large pan, and then he puts it in the Traeger grills and he sets it to super smoke. | ||
| And the smoke is constantly pumping into the water. | ||
| He leaves it there for hours. | ||
| Then he takes that smoke-filled water and he pours it into those balls. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So he makes those molds with smoke-infused water. | ||
| I love them. | ||
| And then he puts that in the glass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| And then pours the whiskey on that. | ||
| He knows. | ||
| And I'm like, whoa, that's next level. | ||
| I like that shit. | ||
| Next level. | ||
| He smoked it. | ||
| Smoked balls. | ||
| And you're supposed to break those balls in half. | ||
| Who's out there doing that? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Oh, that's the wedge. | ||
| I've seen this, yeah. | ||
| What is this communism? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| It's half ice? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Half glass? | ||
| Get that shit out of my face. | ||
| Goddamn hippies. | ||
| You fucking hippies. | ||
| What else? | ||
| You got your own cold brew? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Your homemade? | ||
| That's what I'm looking for. | ||
| That's what I like. | ||
| Go to... | ||
| See if you can find... | ||
| You want to be a... | ||
| Prove your wizardry skills? | ||
| Because I know he has them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Try to find John Dudley smoked ice balls on the Instagram. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| He'll find it. | ||
| He'll find it within seconds. | ||
| Traeger smoke balls. | ||
| He calls them smoky balls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So he makes them. | ||
| Does it himself. | ||
| Yeah, he makes them himself. | ||
| Does it himself, like in his backyard. | ||
| He's already got it. | ||
| He found it in seconds. | ||
| I gotta bring it up. | ||
| Doesn't even make sense. | ||
| I can't, if he gave me time, I wouldn't be able to cougar surf like that. | ||
| Nah, I can't do that shit either. | ||
| He's doing it while he's operating the camera. | ||
| So here's John's, he's got his grill running, so he's got that pan filled with water. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Smoking it. | ||
| Yeah, and he's got the insulated top on it because he's in Iowa. | ||
| It's freezing fucking cold. | ||
| And then he pours that smoky water into the mold, son. | ||
| Dun, dun, dun. | ||
| Smoky balls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Time to get fucked up, kids. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| Smoky balls. | ||
| Cat lady, that crazy shit. | ||
| That was when we were in Lanai. | ||
| When we were in Lanai, John and I, we've tied it on, man. | ||
| We've tied it on many times. | ||
| But we did one podcast with a bunch of bow hunters and we got fucked up. | ||
| We were drinking everything in the mini cabinet. | ||
| And the mini bar had Red Bull and red wine and tequila and what else? | ||
| Diet Coke. | ||
| And John Dudley mixed it all up and called it a cat lady. | ||
| It's just like some crazy bitch trying to get fucked up. | ||
| And we were all drinking it. | ||
| No, there was no Diet Coke. | ||
| It was Red Bull, tequila, and red wine. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| It was damn delicious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| We were so trashed. | ||
| Yeah, I was gonna say. | ||
| And we were high as fuck. | ||
| And we were just trashed. | ||
| It's only good if you're fucked up. | ||
| That's like the kids who do the suicide, you know, every fucking kind of soda in the machine. | ||
| It's only good because you're like, eh, this is supposed to be fun. | ||
| We were just having a good time doing a podcast, you know, having a good time just drinking ridiculous shit. | ||
| Drinking bullshit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The cat lady. | ||
| That's going to be a thing because now the internet's going to be like, I want to make a cat lady. | ||
| It was a thing for a while. | ||
| People were doing it, but then they realized, why would you do that when you could have a margarita or have a beer that actually tastes good? | ||
| Have a nice glass of wine by itself? | ||
| It's just some shit you do and you're, you know, you're scavenging. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bored and hot. | |
| You're bored and scavenging in a mini bar. | ||
| Whenever you get bored and high, you create like the most... | ||
| I saw someone on the internet posted, they took the ice cream from an ice cream sandwich, and then two Rice Krispie treats, and they put the ice cream between... | ||
| It was an ice Krispie treat with an ice cream sandwich. | ||
| That's someone looking for diabetes. | ||
| I thought you were going to go with the burrito, the ice cream burrito that's going around with cotton candy with three pebbles and ice cream and shit. | ||
| That shit's gross. | ||
| Cove Swanson turned Double Double from In-N-Out into a taco. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, he chopped up a double-double and put it into a taco shop. | ||
| Blasphemy, dude. | ||
| And now everyone's talking about it, whether or not that's okay. | ||
| Blasphemy. | ||
| You can't fuck with that In-N-Out burger. | ||
| How is that blasphemy? | ||
| Leave those things alone. | ||
| They're good. | ||
| I don't eat that shit. | ||
| Taco Bell is fucking gross. | ||
| Yeah, that shit is gross. | ||
| That's foul. | ||
| Well, anybody that eats Taco Bell living in Los Angeles is a shameful human being. | ||
| The amount of good Mexican food. | ||
| It's too much. | ||
| There's too much good... | ||
| What is happening here? | ||
| Turned 200 McDonald's burgers into a burrito. | ||
| Who did this? | ||
| Epic Mealtime guys. | ||
| They've been doing this for a while. | ||
| Yeah, they've been doing this for like 10 years. | ||
| So they stuff it in there, and what is the wrap? | ||
| Is that a burrito wrap? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're just eating this? | ||
| Okay, I don't need to see this, Jamie. | ||
| Jamie, I want to look at your search engine. | ||
| I would take away your right to vote. | ||
| I'd be like, there's no way. | ||
| That's why I got different computers. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| That's why I got different. | ||
| What a creep. | ||
| That's why I got different computers. | ||
| You don't see my other ones, Dad. | ||
| I don't want anybody you know. | ||
| I have different emails. | ||
| This is Mr. Happy. | ||
| Mr. Happy likes to get on this one. | ||
| He only looks for happy things. | ||
| He likes flowers. | ||
| Different personality for different computers. | ||
| What's the best lawnmower? | ||
| This is Mr. Dirty. | ||
| This is what I really like. | ||
| I like this one. | ||
| What's the best organic fertilizer that doesn't hurt the environment? | ||
| You do got your own fucking computers. | ||
| If you didn't live in LA, where would you live? | ||
| And if we all moved together, where should we go? | ||
| Two questions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Either... | |
| Well, it's got to be somewhere where there's no state income tax. | ||
| Because you're tired of this shit. | ||
| Tired of this bullshit. | ||
| But what if you start making more money and you don't give a fuck anymore? | ||
| Yeah, but still, it's kind of like, why am I paying any more money than the fucking government? | ||
| So that there's plenty of homeless people around. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Duh. | ||
| Alright, fine. | ||
| Someone's gonna fix the streets, too. | ||
| Are they? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| When are they gonna start? | ||
| Looks good. | ||
| That's why a lot of athletes operate out of Florida. | ||
| I drove here today and it didn't bother me at all. | ||
| Yeah, you live so close to here. | ||
| You live on the roof. | ||
| Athletes live in Florida because of low income taxes. | ||
| No state income taxes. | ||
| They operate their businesses out of there. | ||
| Which is why OJ's there. | ||
| Like, they can't get you if you owe money. | ||
| Florida can't get you? | ||
| Yeah, you can hide in Florida if you owe money. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| It's one of them weird ones. | ||
| Do I have Trump nationals down there? | ||
| Well, I think that's like pensions and shit. | ||
| Like, they can't take away your pensions. | ||
| Right, they probably have some weird, like, union restriction law that they can't touch your stuff. | ||
| I think, I don't really, I don't know if I could live in Florida, but... | ||
| Yeah, you could. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Yeah, you would just mock it. | ||
| Me and John Travolta, and he lives in Ocala or whatever? | ||
| Right next door to him. | ||
| He'd always offer massages and shit, and he'd be like, nah, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good. | ||
| You want to jump on a plane? | ||
| Let's fly together. | ||
| That's you and me, just fly. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| John Travolta wants to be my friend. | ||
| Do you think he just wants to be my friend? | ||
| He's just a buddy. | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| He's got a plane. | ||
| Let's go flying. | ||
| Oh no, we have to land in the water. | ||
| We'll have to hold each other for warmth for a while. | ||
| Oh, how long? | ||
| For like four days, maybe? | ||
| It's better if I'm inside you and keep you warmer from the inside. | ||
| If my dick's in your ass, they might come rescue us faster. | ||
| My penis runs very hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know it sounds crazy, but it's the difference between life and death. | |
| You've got to put it inside. | ||
| If you put your mouth in my penis, you'll see. | ||
| It's like over 100 degrees. | ||
| It'll warm us up. | ||
| Well, you can blow me up and then ride me as we float away. | ||
| Blow me up like a balloon. | ||
| This plane crash scenario with John Travolta. | ||
| I don't know where I would live. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I mean, Chicago's an easy answer. | ||
| I really want to move back to Chicago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Do you? | ||
| Yeah, I love it. | ||
| You don't mind the winters? | ||
| You bond. | ||
| Something about the bonding that happens in the winter in Chicago. | ||
| I believe that too. | ||
| You have like a cultural bond with people, man. | ||
| There's nothing better than going to a bar in the winter in Chicago when it's fucking gross and sad and cold and sad and everyone is having a good time. | ||
| Everyone wants to be together in these moments. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| But you don't want to live in the south side where the bullets are going off left and right. | ||
| I look nowhere near that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way. | |
| How do they stop that? | ||
| I was talking to a guy who was a cop, and he was telling me that they arrested certain gang members, like certain people that are running the gangs, gang leaders, and they created a power vacuum, and then they started fighting, and then it got even more chaotic. | ||
| Got way worse. | ||
| The cops have tried to work with gangs over the years in a million different ways to try to, like... | ||
| Curb the violence. | ||
| They did it here in Los Angeles. | ||
| How'd they do it? | ||
| They have these people that are like these community organizers who run the neighborhood, and they have these peace talks with these gang leaders to tell them certain ways to operate within the community, because they're like, your kids live here, your girlfriends. | ||
| So for some reason, I think there's been a lot of weird... | ||
| Cultural movements in LA that have helped, like, you know, Nipsey... | ||
| Nipsey Hussle. | ||
| Nipsey Hussle got shot, and I think all these crips showed up with bloods, and other people came together. | ||
| I think it was this weird coming together of gangs, and this has happened in LA a few different times. | ||
| Our community organizers kind of started to, like, peel back these walls of, like, we also have to live here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I know you want to function as an organization, but I think Chicago is reckless. | ||
| I don't think it's... | ||
| I think it's less about gangs in Chicago. | ||
| It's more about... | ||
| Young people with guns who want control. | ||
| And I don't think they're all parts of gangs. | ||
| I just think it's a violent city. | ||
| It's an angry, violent city. | ||
| It's a lot of poverty. | ||
| A lot of poverty. | ||
| And you lived there most of your life. | ||
| So what's the consensus thinking of how to fix it? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I wish I felt like I knew what would help that kind of stuff. | ||
| But I'm just a fucking white guy from the north side, you know? | ||
| Like, the majority of these people are black. | ||
| The majority of the south side is black. | ||
| And the majority of the violence and the crime that happens in that community is driven around these pockets of the south side. | ||
| I have no relatability. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| Right, but what do they think is the way to fix it? | ||
| Shit, I don't fucking know. | ||
| Look, if you were the king of the world, what would you do to fix the crime on the south side for the last thing that we talk about on this podcast? | ||
| The last thing that I would do, if it was me, if I really tried to fix it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The king of the world. | |
| President Santino. | ||
| If I could put some more money in there, get some programs in there, start helping people. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| I don't know what the specific thing is. | ||
| Typical liberal. | ||
| You think it's going to be fixed with money. | ||
| These motherfuckers. | ||
| And they wonder why Trump won. | ||
| Well, they always say, like, what, are you going to take away the guns? | ||
|
unidentified
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Nah. | |
| Mega! | ||
| Never going to take away the guns. | ||
| That's never going to work. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've got to make some kind of program that helps people function. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| I'm not that smart. | ||
| I'm not that smart. | ||
| But I do think there's a way to fix it. | ||
| But I do think there's also a lot of young kids who get guns in Chicago and they kill people. | ||
| It's going to be a slow process of change. | ||
| It'll take forever. | ||
| Obama couldn't do shit. | ||
| And he's from Chicago. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of those community organizers in Chicago were mad at him. | ||
| Because he didn't fix anything. | ||
| Yeah, because people in the black community were like, you promised you would fucking help a little bit. | ||
| And then it... | ||
| Look, this is the first year I think we've had a dip in murders in Chicago. | ||
| And we're coming up on the summer, so we'll see. | ||
| The summer's party time, baby. | ||
| You sound like a Theo Vaughn bit. | ||
| We'll see. | ||
| People got guns, man. | ||
| Andrew Santino, let's wrap this bitch up. | ||
| Bring it home. | ||
| Cheeto Santino on the Instagram and on the Twitter. | ||
| AndrewSantino.com. | ||
| That's my website. | ||
| That's your motherfucking website. | ||
| Come see me. | ||
| He will be in Las Vegas this weekend at Jimmy Kimmel's Comedy Club. | ||
| Brothers and sisters. | ||
| And then next weekend... | ||
| Two weekends at Raleigh's. | ||
| Two weekends in a row? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm saying... | ||
| In two weekends. | ||
| Vegas and then... | ||
| The next weekend. | ||
| Yes, and the following. | ||
| And then the following. | ||
| Then we're in Chicago. | ||
| Letting bitches know. | ||
| All right. | ||
| That's going to be fun as fuck. | ||
| Goodbye, everybody. | ||
| Until we meet again. | ||
| Mwah! |
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