March 19, 2019 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:48:39
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Grape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Grape. | |
| It is grape. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| Grape. | ||
| It's grape. | ||
| Fucking nailed it. | ||
| That's where I got it. | ||
| We live? | ||
| Ron White, we're live. | ||
| Oh, we are? | ||
| Yes, sir. | ||
| Well, what a fancy beginning. | ||
| That's how I do it. | ||
| I like to be professional. | ||
| Cheers, my brother. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cheers. | |
| Good to see you. | ||
| Good to be here, man. | ||
| Good to be here. | ||
| Delicious. | ||
| Good to see you after that mentally intensive... | ||
| Carbohydrate versus fat. | ||
| You genuinely came out of there looking exhausted. | ||
| It was a rough debate. | ||
| They were going back and forth. | ||
| They didn't like each other. | ||
| They were mocking each other a little bit, but hopefully people got some information out of it. | ||
| Two good guys. | ||
| They're just different positions. | ||
| They don't see eye to eye, Joe. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Hear them out. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you going to do? | |
| Ron White. | ||
| So, apparently, Ron White, you have a mugshot that we can add to our collection. | ||
| Yeah, I'll get one over here. | ||
| I'll have it framed and send it on up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| I'll make sure it's small enough to put on that wall out there, you know, so it'll be a pretty big one. | ||
| I'd like to have a pretty dominant spot over at the... | ||
| Tell me what you need. | ||
| ...experience. | ||
| I'll give you a fucking six-foot-tall one, brother. | ||
| All right, all right. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Six-foot-tall. | ||
| Life-size. | ||
| Yeah, get it printed. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Yeah, it was a bad picture. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was really bad. | ||
| So we're talking about this. | ||
| You got busted for weed. | ||
| Somebody ratted you out. | ||
| There was weed on your plane. | ||
| They didn't say there was weed on my plane. | ||
| They said it was a drug smuggling plane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| So there's a hotline that you can call, and there's pilots that I'd fired. | ||
| And so I'm just sitting on the plane looking out the window, and there's... | ||
| And drug dogs and people in vests and machine guns. | ||
| And I'm like, what's going on out there? | ||
| Well, but, you know, as soon as they determined that that's not what it was, that I just had some personal weed that obviously somebody called in and lied, instead of going and arresting that guy, they took me to jail. | ||
| That makes no sense at all. | ||
| And then in the newspaper, the sheriff goes, well, he might not have had much pot with him, but who knows how much he did have. | ||
| And who knows I didn't kill somebody. | ||
| How about we just put me up for murder right now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If we need no evidence at all... | ||
| Who knows he didn't steal? | ||
| Larceny. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Something. | |
| They drove by three meth labs and a dead hooker just to get to my plane. | ||
| And really the funny part of it... | ||
| Well, the next day we were going to go somewhere else in Louisiana, and now I've got just weed we can get rid of. | ||
| That's all we can do, because they might do it again. | ||
| Next night, next place, more drugs. | ||
| So now we've got an apple we're smoking out of. | ||
| There are two of them on horseback, and Alex feeds the apple to one of the horses as he's walking by. | ||
| Take this little apple. | ||
| So they tried to check your plan again? | ||
| They did check it again, but we just had come up with this little plan. | ||
| And he also had to eat a little bag of weed, and he was really stoned on stage. | ||
| But we didn't go to jail that night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you just eat weed, will it get you high? | |
| Yeah, absolutely it will. | ||
| It takes a while, but it was a big old chaw of it. | ||
| I mean, it was a big old lip full, cheek full. | ||
| I'm surprised people don't chew weed. | ||
| Like, there's no one out there chewing. | ||
| It tastes like ass, dude. | ||
| Which is why nobody eats weed, even the cookies, you know. | ||
| They gotta watch it to keep them tasting bad. | ||
| I think there is a growing number of people who juice the leaves and drink it. | ||
| Yeah, you know like wheatgrass juice? | ||
| They do it with the leaves of cannabis plant. | ||
| I've seen people squeeze it to make the concentrate out. | ||
| I think they're sticking in one of those masticators, is that what they're called? | ||
| Those things that make, you know, like wheatgrass. | ||
| They can get juice out of fucking grass. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| If you could get it out of, I mean, if you could get it out of grass, you could get it out of any plant, right? | ||
| It doesn't get high? | ||
| Yeah, you don't get high, though. | ||
| It's like getting the CBD out, I guess. | ||
| Then what's the point? | ||
| For health, Ron. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know, it's like O'Doul's pot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| To tell you what's not bad, the Heineken shit that we got, we have Heineken 00, whatever the fuck it is, it does not taste bad. | ||
| It's very good. | ||
| It's got no alcohol in it. | ||
| None. | ||
| But it tastes good. | ||
| So you don't get that annoying buzz. | ||
| I know. | ||
| No, you don't get none of that. | ||
| Yeah, because you guys had that soccer, Sober October, and it looked like you were having a blast, I have to admit, sitting from the sideline. | ||
| Boy, this sober thing looks like a blast. | ||
| I did have a November to remember. | ||
| Yeah, we had no remember November. | ||
| Yeah, Sober October is interesting. | ||
| It's good to do every year, but I like to do it. | ||
| You think you'd ever do it? | ||
| No, I don't think I could. | ||
| How many days do you think you'd take off? | ||
| You know, really, not one and be very happy about it. | ||
| I mean, I've got a little touch of alcoholism that someday I'll either deal with or I won't, but, you know, it's a maintenance thing with me, so... | ||
| Maintenance as far as keeping your mindset correct? | ||
| Just feeling good? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Not give a fuck juice? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's just something that I seem to require. | ||
| I can't wait for that first drink of the day. | ||
| And then I usually drink pretty much to excess every single day. | ||
| So, I mean, I'm not saying this is a good thing, and I'm certainly not bragging, because I see people that are sober, and I get jealous of them. | ||
| I'm like, wow, what would that be like to, you know, wake up feeling good every day? | ||
| And I'm so committed to it. | ||
| I don't understand that. | ||
| I mean, I don't understand why I won't just let it go. | ||
| But it's, you know, I know it's such a big part of, you know, who people perceive me to be, but it's also just a big part of How I perceive me to be. | ||
| Well, people who perceive you to be, they perceive you. | ||
| Like, if anyone has ever asked me, what's Ron White like? | ||
| I go, what do you think he's like? | ||
| Oh, great guy. | ||
| Likes to drink a lot. | ||
| Always funny. | ||
| Eh, that's him. | ||
| You have the benefit of... | ||
| You don't have an act. | ||
| Like, you're not putting on an act. | ||
| But you are a character. | ||
| But it's who you are. | ||
| It's so much better. | ||
| If people found out you were some teetotaling guy... | ||
| Have you ever seen somebody who drinks fake shots on stage? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's rough. | ||
| That's a rough place to be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pretending to be boozing it up with the crowd. | ||
| Come on, folks. | ||
| Well, you know, Foster Brooks, who was the best. | ||
| Foster Brooks was so good at being a drunk with a teetotaler. | ||
| Wasn't Dean Martin as well? | ||
| Not a teetotaler, but he would pretend? | ||
| I don't think so... | ||
| And I hear that, but I've seen him... | ||
| When I did the Foxworthy roast, I went back and watched all those roasts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that guy was drunk. | ||
| And if you go watch movies he was in, he was not a good actor. | ||
| So he was acting... | ||
| And him and Foster Brooks were in the same one. | ||
| And Brooks was just so good and so edgy. | ||
| But you could tell which one was really drunk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think a lot of times in Vegas he might have had fake drinks. | ||
| Or maybe people just wanted to say that because it's a little story. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he looked like he was fucked up to me. | ||
| Have you seen that show on, I don't know if you watch any of Amazon Prime. | ||
| You ever seen that show, The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel? | ||
| It's about a stand-up comic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, I see. | ||
| I hear about it all the time, and people are always saying it's really, really good. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| I just finished something today, so I'm looking for the next... | ||
| Watch that, man. | ||
| Especially season one. | ||
| Season two was great, too. | ||
| I enjoyed it. | ||
| But people didn't give season two as much reward, as much props as they did. | ||
| I like both seasons. | ||
| But there's a woman in it, this is my point, who has an... | ||
| Like, she's this really highfalutin lady who pretends to be this chick from Queens, and she puts on a fat suit and does this act, and it drives Mrs. Maisel fucking crazy. | ||
| She hates it. | ||
| And she talks shit about her, and it starts... | ||
| Spoiler alert. | ||
| I won't say any more. | ||
| But just that trap of being a character. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Pretending to be something that you're not... | ||
| You know, I think that's, and this might be a little bit of a stretch, Joe, I don't know, but, you know, I think that's why Steve Martin quit, because he was a parody of a comedian, which was brilliant and so funny. | ||
| Let's Get Small was one of my favorite albums ever, and I took it with me everywhere I went and played it for people and then took credit for how good it was, even though I really had very little to do with it except for spending the money. | ||
| I remember when I was a kid, I listened to that, long before I ever did stand-up. | ||
| He was fucking great, man. | ||
| Goddamn, he was great. | ||
| But he was doing 45,000 people a night when he quit. | ||
| Yeah, I think that was the problem. | ||
| I think he's like a lot of comedians. | ||
| They feel a lot. | ||
| You know, they're not numb people. | ||
| They feel a lot. | ||
| And I think for him, like this thing... | ||
| Maybe that's why I'm drinking every night. | ||
| Maybe! | ||
| I don't want to get in touch with those features. | ||
| Well, everybody that's damaged feels a lot. | ||
| And everybody that's a comic is damaged. | ||
| I agree with that. | ||
| I think with Steve Martin, he was just so big, man. | ||
| I don't think... | ||
| I think he's bigger than you or I combined. | ||
| Like, he just would go on stage and they would go fucking crazy. | ||
| It didn't even make sense to people. | ||
| And also difficult for him to perform... | ||
| Yeah, he didn't know what was funny anymore. | ||
| Yeah, so I think, I mean, it was a ballsy thing to do. | ||
| Fucking crazy. | ||
| And then he walked straight into film and, you know, everything he's done has been crazy, crazy successful. | ||
| No, he's excellent. | ||
| And I'd love to go see the band. | ||
| Kathy Nelson, you know Kathy, she runs the touring thing. | ||
| She went to see the band and went back and talked to him and said it was great. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I'd like to meet him. | ||
| We lived in the same town for a while. | ||
| I'd like to meet him, but I never ran into him. | ||
| I ran into Jonathan Winters there a couple of times. | ||
| What was he like? | ||
| He was holding court at the post office. | ||
| 20 people around. | ||
| He's doing characters. | ||
| He's killing at the post office. | ||
| That was the second time I saw him. | ||
| The first time I saw him was he was having lunch by himself and I was with another comic and he goes, do you think he'd mind if we went over there and said hi? | ||
| An hour later we're like, well we gotta go. | ||
| We gotta split. | ||
| We got shit to do. | ||
| He was Robin's big influence, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| He was so zany. | ||
| He was so zany. | ||
| Who the fuck was like him? | ||
| Think of that. | ||
| Yeah, it had to start with something, right? | ||
| That's what I got. | ||
| I got this theory that there's two kinds of comics, bridge builders and people that walk across those bridges. | ||
| I'm a big walker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't invent any of this stuff, I think. | ||
| Well, you've got to go back to Richard Pryor and Lenny Bruce. | ||
| Those are the big ones. | ||
| And then Kinison was a big one too. | ||
| Kinison taught us that somebody can genuinely not like you and you can still make them like you. | ||
| He also taught me that you can punch down as low as you want as long as it's funny. | ||
| Right, as long as it's funny, as long as you're good enough. | ||
| That fucking bit that he had about starving children, to this day, I had an argument with a guy on the podcast about it where he was telling me that comedy only punches up. | ||
| I go, that's crazy. | ||
| Kinison had two of the best bits of all time, and they were both punching down. | ||
| One was about starving kids, the other was about necrophiliacs paying money to bank corpses. | ||
| But that's as down as you can get, man. | ||
| You're fucking a dead body. | ||
| And both those bits were fucking genius. | ||
| And it's the same with... | ||
| It's the same with 9-11. | ||
| You know, if you're good enough... | ||
| Of a writer, you can do material about that, but you better be good. | ||
| You better have somewhere to go. | ||
| Yeah, you better have somewhere to go. | ||
| And I heard a couple of good pieces. | ||
| I don't remember who did them, but the week afterwards, some guy that was the opening act was trying to riff on it, and I got him over to the side, and I said, Hey, dude, this is my stage right here. | ||
| And normally I don't tell the comics what to do. | ||
| But until you have something to say about it that's really, really funny, I don't want you bringing it up. | ||
| Yeah, that's a tough one, because you could kill the whole show. | ||
| Some middle act goes on, and you lost friends in the towers, and that was a week ago. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, there's like levels of tragedy. | ||
| That's a real tough one to find humor in. | ||
| I'm not saying that someone can't do it. | ||
| People find comedy in everywhere, and it's legit. | ||
| They do. | ||
| They have a perspective. | ||
| It's just the eye. | ||
| How good are you? | ||
| I'm good enough to avoid those things. | ||
| That's how good I am. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I'm not good enough to do it. | ||
| Patrice O'Neal had a really great point about that. | ||
| He's like, all things, when someone's trying to be funny, they all come from the same place. | ||
| Just some of them miss. | ||
| Some of them just aren't funny. | ||
| You can't get mad at those. | ||
| But they came from the same place. | ||
| Like, yeah, I bet someone would admit that they told a joke that wasn't funny. | ||
| Whoops. | ||
| Tried. | ||
| They tried, but they're not trying to be mean. | ||
| Like, the response sometimes... | ||
| Right, it just didn't work. | ||
| Yeah, it just sucked. | ||
| But, you know, when someone's ad-libbing, some things are going to suck, but the response sometimes to one that's, like, off, you know, maybe a little bit too harsh or maybe a little too soon, like, people get so fucking mad. | ||
| Well, you sent me a tweet about that Cosby bit that I did. | ||
| It was really funny, but it just stirred the pot so much. | ||
| You think rape is good? | ||
| No, that's not what I said at all. | ||
| That's not what I said at all. | ||
| I made a joke. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And you do that, too. | ||
| I mean, you stir up the pot big time. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| And you'll just go watch this. | ||
| And then... | ||
| You've got to have a point, though. | ||
| And if you have a point and you really are trying real hard to be a good person, you just have a point. | ||
| I just have a point on things. | ||
| I'm going to say it. | ||
| You might get mad, but I'm not saying it to be a bad guy. | ||
| I'm saying it because that's what I do for a living. | ||
| That's what I do. | ||
| We find things, you know? | ||
| Burr was telling me that he did Carolines in New York City. | ||
| It was almost like a college gig. | ||
| He's like, people are so sensitive now in New York. | ||
| Oh, you know, he and I just did the VFW Hall in Hollywood. | ||
| And then... | ||
| And I was calling him about another comic that I wanted. | ||
| I was just talking to him at the bar and I thought he was really funny. | ||
| And now I can't remember his name. | ||
| Joe DeRosa? | ||
| Joe DeRosa. | ||
| Yeah, Joe DeRosa. | ||
| And I called him, and he goes, yeah, no, he's really good. | ||
| And he goes, how about I come over and do it? | ||
| And I'm like, of course, Bill, whatever. | ||
| You want to do time on it? | ||
| Come on over. | ||
| Well, he was doing a bunch of Trump stuff, and I guarantee you, my fans are pretty split down the middle. | ||
| But it did not go over well, and he didn't give a fiddler's fuck about it. | ||
| So he just made them mad and stirred them up for about 20 minutes. | ||
| And then we both did my scent, and we smoked a cigar. | ||
| He's not drinking either for like a year or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, he looks great. | ||
| He looks really good. | ||
| He looks thin and healthy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Trump jokes are interesting because I don't remember anybody getting mad at you for Bush jokes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| They were just jokes, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Even if you were like a Bush supporter, you could crack a joke about the way he spells potato or something. | ||
| Nobody gave a fuck. | ||
| People didn't care. | ||
| It was a different thing. | ||
| Even if people were supporting him. | ||
| It wasn't Bush, by the way, that spelled potato wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's right. | |
| It was Quail. | ||
| It was Quail. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's how these rumors get started, man. | ||
| It is how they get started. | ||
| Yeah, you conspiracy dudes over here blowing off this who spelled potato wrong shit. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| It was him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bush fucked some things up, too, though, didn't he? | |
| Well, didn't he fuck some stuff up? | ||
| There's a whole album, like the wit and wisdom of George W. Bush. | ||
| He says, like, fool me once, shame on you. | ||
| Yeah, shame on me again. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You know, what's interesting about Bush is when he was running for governor of Texas, he had a completely different way of communicating. | ||
| He talked like a really smart guy. | ||
| He's very articulate. | ||
| I mean, he was a smooth, smooth talker. | ||
| You're talking about W. There's a video of him from back in the day when he was running for governor, and he's great. | ||
| You listen to him, like, look at this energetic, intelligent guy. | ||
| He's articulate. | ||
| He seems like one of us. | ||
| And then they had a side-by-side video comparing him to, like, Bush after seven years in office. | ||
| He's like, He's barely hanging on. | ||
| He's not paying attention to shit. | ||
| He's giving the reins to heaven and hell to Dick Cheney. | ||
| Dick Cheney's in a bunker seven miles underground making nefarious decisions. | ||
| I mean, it was weird. | ||
| It was a weird time, but you can make fun of Bush all day long. | ||
| Nobody give a fuck. | ||
| You make fun of Trump today, people want to kill you. | ||
| I almost got in a scuffle the other day at the gas station. | ||
| This guy just started spouting out stuff. | ||
| He was putting gas in his car right over there. | ||
| And by the first word that sent us, it came out of his mouth from nowhere. | ||
| Hadn't said a word to the guy. | ||
| Didn't say hi to him. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Nancy Pelosi's the dumbest person that ever lived on this planet. | ||
| And I get baited so easy. | ||
| I just said, probably not. | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| You're probably wrong. | ||
| She's probably not. | ||
| Obama was an idiot. | ||
| He graduated number one from Harvard Law. | ||
| So, views politically aside, we can start with he's probably not stupid. | ||
| And what a good speaker. | ||
| He was the best. | ||
| Oh, yeah, he was smooth. | ||
| The most presidential. | ||
| He was a guy that you were happy to have represent you. | ||
| Whether you believe in him and support his ideas or not, as a representative of our culture, of our civilization, that guy was smooth and measured and articulate. | ||
| And off the book. | ||
| You know, most of the time, you know, he was just, he was saying what he thought. | ||
| He wasn't reading off a script. | ||
| Well, did you know the story about Clinton? | ||
| I know, son. | ||
| With being off the book. | ||
| Clinton was such a good orator that the teleprompter went off, it broke like five minutes into his fucking speech, and he did all that shit by memory. | ||
| He just did the whole goddamn thing by memory. | ||
| And I played the nine holes of golf with him. | ||
| What was it like? | ||
| Well, there's still security, secret service all around him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so it was a private golf course. | ||
| Larry Ellison, that owns Oracle, owns this private golf course. | ||
| He's a big tennis guy, so he puts on the tennis stuff out in Palm Springs. | ||
| And nobody plays this course. | ||
| And he doesn't play golf. | ||
| And it's just his deal. | ||
| He's got his own course? | ||
| Yeah, he's got his own course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| He played through our group at Shadow Creek in Beverly Hill. | ||
| I mean, in Vegas. | ||
| A really exclusive course. | ||
| Impossible to get on. | ||
| And he was playing by himself. | ||
| And he was on the tee box. | ||
| And I said, it's lonely at the top. | ||
| And Larry, he goes, yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| And hit his ball and went off by himself. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But he wasn't even there, but Clinton was. | ||
| And he told me a story. | ||
| This friend of his is a record producer, rap record. | ||
| He didn't tell me who it was and didn't tell me who the artist was either. | ||
| But the artist was all dug down and he was in a Ferrari store. | ||
| And the salesman goes, are you thinking about buying this car? | ||
| And the guy goes, no, I'm going to buy the car. | ||
| I'm thinking about pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So... | |
| Clinton told me a story that had the word pussy in it. | ||
| That's a fucking great story. | ||
| Clinton told you that story? | ||
| Yeah, Clinton told me that. | ||
| That's a great fucking story. | ||
| That is a great story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That poor bastard. | |
| He's almost like a comic. | ||
| He could just be free. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You think if he got divorced and just started going on the honest Bill Clinton lecture show. | ||
| Oh, I fucked her. | ||
| Yeah, I did. | ||
| I didn't want to either. | ||
| What did you think I was going to do? | ||
| What would you do? | ||
| What would you do? | ||
| You're in my position. | ||
| What would you do? | ||
| You're smart. | ||
| You know you only got but 40 years left of life. | ||
| I'd have shoved my pecker right in her mouth. | ||
| That's what I would have done. | ||
| The whole idea of being the fucking number one guy, you gotta be so goddamn pussy hungry to want to be the number one guy. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| You gotta have big appetites, that's for sure. | ||
| For everything. | ||
| Yeah, for everything. | ||
| For everything. | ||
| You gotta be a super conqueror. | ||
| Yeah, and all those guys are, I mean, not all those guys, I don't want to generalize, but it's really, really common for men that are in power positions to just be horny as fuck all the time. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| I mean, we gotta go back. | ||
| The way we want these people to behave is so contrary to the way any king ever behaved ever in history. | ||
| Like, the stories of kings throughout history was always decadence. | ||
| It was always, you know, all these women and wine and food and more food and fat and open sores and cutting off the fucking ex-wives' heads and shit. | ||
| Like, that's what you think of. | ||
| Ordering armies, people protecting them. | ||
| It's like those people were just gluttons. | ||
| The super gluttons of the world. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And we don't like that. | ||
| We don't like that. | ||
| So then we try to turn someone into some fucking Norman Rockwell person. | ||
| Right, and that doesn't work either. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not really. | |
| Because you don't have enough charisma to lead, maybe. | ||
| Well, Trump is showing us that. | ||
| Like, you could talk shit about him 24-7, 365 days a year. | ||
| He's not adjusting anything. | ||
| In fact, he digs his heels in. | ||
| He's the same fucking guy. | ||
| No matter what happens... | ||
| Well, you know, I really don't like to get into my position on Trump. | ||
| And the reason is, I just don't feel like it's my job. | ||
| I feel like it's your job. | ||
| My job's different. | ||
| My job is to go up there and just make them laugh. | ||
| But I don't want to be divisive. | ||
| Yeah, I hear you. | ||
| I just don't want to do it because my fan base is split. | ||
| I've had... | ||
| You know, nothing ever really happens, but I had a guy one time, because I said something in a meet-and-greet, who is paid to take a picture of me and then refused to take a picture of me because of what I said. | ||
| And I'm like, I don't give a fuck, dude. | ||
| Don't take a picture. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Leave that. | |
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| People are so touching. | ||
| But you know, it's like they're exerting power over you. | ||
| I'm not even going to take a picture. | ||
| I'm going to unfollow you on Instagram, too, Ron White. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Goddamn communist. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What am I going to do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I told one girl, she said, now I'm going to unfollow. | ||
| You used to be funny, but now you're just filthy, and I'm going to unfollow you, and I know it doesn't matter. | ||
| I said, you can't leave. | ||
| All the plants will die. | ||
| Whenever you're in a bind, quote Bill Murray. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| People are just so mean. | ||
| I just want to hurt you, Ron White, for no reason. | ||
| Yeah, but nobody... | ||
| I've already been as mad as I can be, and I'll never be madder, and it happened when I was 16 years old. | ||
| So it's hard to make me mad, and I'll tell you what made me mad. | ||
| I just got my driver's license. | ||
| My mother asked me to go to the store to get something. | ||
| It's in the summer in Houston. | ||
| I don't have any shoes on. | ||
| I open my door, step into a shitty Pampers. | ||
| That somebody had just thrown in the parking lot. | ||
| And I didn't just put a toe in and go, oh, that's baby shit, that's wrong. | ||
| I just shoved my whole foot into it, green baby shit coming through my toes, smears all over the diaper, right? | ||
| So I'm stuck. | ||
| I don't know what to do. | ||
| I'm not going to get back in my mother's car with this shitty foot. | ||
| I can't go into the store with baby shit all over my foot. | ||
| And I thought about just cutting my foot off and just leaving it in the diaper with a note that said, this used to be a perfectly good fucking foot, dude. | ||
| And nobody's ever made me that mad since. | ||
| I was so fucking furious and I just wanted to hate and kill over a shitty pamper. | ||
| That's crazy that that was all it took. | ||
| That's all it took. | ||
| That's all it took. | ||
| It was so... | ||
| You know, it just put me in a... | ||
| I've been stuck before. | ||
| Let me tell you about the other time I was stuck. | ||
| This will get us off of politics. | ||
| I'm in my tour bus, and I'm partying with my buddy Steve, my best friend, my road manager, who passed away. | ||
| And he never gets laid, but it looked like he had an angle on this girl. | ||
| So I picked up my beer and went back to my bedroom... | ||
| Which I never do. | ||
| I sit up there and drink with the guys, and I go back there just to go to sleep. | ||
| I never take booze back there or anything. | ||
| But I'd gone back there and laid down, and I put that Dos Equis bottle on the counter, and then we took off during the night. | ||
| Well, I was real drunk, and Steve was real drunk, and the bottle falls off and breaks, and I don't hear it. | ||
| So in the middle of the night, my bed sits high, because you want to try to get those beds towards the center, because it's on those axles anyway, but the closer it is to the center, the better it feels when you're in it. | ||
| So you kind of slide off of it about an inch. | ||
| And my foot went into the bottom of the beer bottle, had a shard hanging off of it about an inch and a half long. | ||
| And I landed on it. | ||
| Well, now I know exactly what it was. | ||
| And somebody had hit the master lights, so I can't turn the lights on. | ||
| You have to go back and turn them on on the master switch. | ||
| But I know that around me is broken glass everywhere, because I understand what happened. | ||
| I understand that bottle fell, broke, and I got it in my foot. | ||
| So I pull my foot up and I didn't know how big the shard was and I just pull it out of there. | ||
| Blood just starts gushing out Well, steve's passed out in the bunk and he can't hear me. | ||
| I can't get to a phone. | ||
| I can't see So what do I do? | ||
| I just crawl back in bed went to sleep and bled And and steve said the next morning. | ||
| It looked like somebody killed a hog in there and and uh And he just lifted up the sheets, him and the bus driver, and saw my foot, and they were like, ah, he's alright. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Did you worry about bleeding out? | ||
| I didn't know what else to do, because the only option was to take another step and cut the other foot. | ||
| Did you have your phone with you? | ||
| I wasn't within reach. | ||
| I was just stuck. | ||
| I hear you. | ||
| And I was also drunk. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Stuck and drunk and bleeding. | ||
| God damn, that's a good combination. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I was stumped. | ||
| I didn't know what to do. | ||
| I didn't know how to fucking combat it. | ||
| So I would just crawl back and pad and I'm like, well... | ||
| How was your foot? | ||
| Oh, 13 stitches. | ||
| As soon as I woke up and looked at him, let's go to the hospital, guys. | ||
| And then sewed it back up. | ||
| 13 on the bottom of my foot, right in the arch. | ||
| And it was a... | ||
| You know, it was... | ||
| It was a mess. | ||
| It was a fucking mess. | ||
| Every time, if you fuck your foot up, you realize how much you need them. | ||
| Like, you can fuck your shoulder up, and that sucks, but... | ||
| Yeah, but you can still walk somewhere and get something. | ||
| Yeah, when you fuck your foot up, you're like, oh, okay, this is a real problem. | ||
| You get a knee operation or something? | ||
| I play golf every day, so... | ||
| Oh, yeah, so it's a real problem. | ||
| It's a real problem with me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Every day? | ||
| Every day I can. | ||
| Not every day, but every day I can. | ||
| Golf is one of those games, man. | ||
| Guys, just get fucking into golf. | ||
| Look at what you're into. | ||
| It's something that you do and you've always done, and you just keep doing it. | ||
| I watch it on television like it's a soap opera. | ||
| I just watched 80 hours of the players. | ||
| It also gives me a reason not to exercise, you know, because I got this golf to watch. | ||
| Well, golf does give you some exercise, though. | ||
| That's a fact. | ||
| You are walking around. | ||
| It's better than being sedentary. | ||
| Yeah, you're walking around, and you're thinking, you know, you're planning shit out, looking at the curves of the grass. | ||
| Yeah, thinking, measuring, and trying to work out, solve problems, and... | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I'm just terrified. | ||
| Terrified I'll be one of you guys out there every day. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| I have friends that go out every day. | ||
| You, you're one of them. | ||
| I know other guys. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| Every time they get a chance. | ||
| The guys I play with go every day. | ||
| Yeah, if you can pull it off, it's like a gentleman's leisure way of life. | ||
| Yeah, you know, it's always back when I was a club comic. | ||
| That's how I killed the day. | ||
| I started playing when I was like 13. And so I would just go to a golf course and, you know, schmooze out a deal where I could play golf there every day. | ||
| And you ain't jack shit to do during the day in clubs for 15 years. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, I'm doing 48 weeks. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And making $500 a week or whatever it was when I started. | ||
| You know, it was a middle act out there. | ||
| You had to work them all, you know, because you needed the $500 real bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you ever look back on those days? | ||
| Do you reminisce? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It's a good thing for me that this was the path of least resistance. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Because if it wasn't for stand-up, I'd be a regional marijuana distributor in the state of Texas in an industry that has some questions coming up. | ||
| So, you know, I did it because I loved it, but it was also fun, fun, fun, you know, and it was easy for me. | ||
| I didn't mind the travel because I liked... | ||
| Drinking free in bars and practicing this art form. | ||
| But I never, ever thought it would go where it went. | ||
| People ask me, how do I do that? | ||
| I'm like, I don't know how I did it. | ||
| And I was right there when it happened. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I barely remember it. | ||
| Didn't you live in Mexico for a little bit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| In fact, there's a really, really, really good PGA player from the same town I lived in that played golf every day. | ||
| Where I played golf, I didn't know him. | ||
| He was young. | ||
| He would have been a – let's figure it out. | ||
| He would have been – he's like 21 or 22 now. | ||
| And he was in the heat for this tournament. | ||
| His name was Abraham Anser is his name. | ||
| And born in Reynosa, Mexico. | ||
| Well, he was actually born across the border because there's no wall, right? | ||
| They can just come over there and have a baby. | ||
| But his parents must have been fairly well off for that part of the world to do that. | ||
| But he's great. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| And I dig it because, you know, I see where he came from exactly, you know. | ||
| It's where my son made a hole-in-one when he was eight years old. | ||
| He was on the capacity golf course in Reynos, Mexico. | ||
| How many holes-in-ones does a guy get in his career? | ||
| I've had one. | ||
| My son's had one. | ||
| You know, like the big guys, maybe 16, 17, 18, in a whole lifetime. | ||
| There's no equivalent in other sports. | ||
| Yeah, I wouldn't. | ||
| There's no equivalent in any other game. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There was a double eagle. | ||
| What's that mean? | ||
| That's where you make a two on a par five. | ||
| So that means you sunk a hole from... | ||
| 262 yards out. | ||
| You made it on the second shot. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Very rare. | ||
| Very rare. | ||
| So a double eagle is slightly less rare than a hole-in-one. | ||
| Way less rare. | ||
| Way less rare. | ||
| Because that par 3 could be as much as 125 yards. | ||
| Most of them aren't made on the longer 185, but guys like me aren't hitting the par 3 from 235. Yeah, if you think about it, I guess there's nothing like that in any other game or sport. | ||
| Hole-in-one. | ||
| Where it just works out perfect. | ||
| Maybe a walk-off grand slam or... | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Those happen way more often, though. | ||
| Yeah, way more. | ||
| Well, yeah, way more often than a hole-in-one. | ||
| For how many people try it. | ||
| You know, you don't get many chances at that Grand Slam, but for how many people try and how many they make. | ||
| Pitch at you. | ||
| You're definitely going to hit the ball. | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| Like, that golf ball is just right there. | ||
| I mean, you might not have a good lay, but you're definitely going to hit it. | ||
| Am I saying on the right chance? | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| Well, if you hit a foul ball, you've got to play it. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You've got to go find it and... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It seems like the odds of you getting a hole-in-one must be off the charts. | ||
| It must be like 1,000 to 1 or 100,000 to 1 or something crazy like that. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| I mean, most people maybe never. | ||
| Yeah, what do you think the numbers would be? | ||
| What are the odds? | ||
| Oh, fuck, Charles. | ||
| I didn't graduate from high school. | ||
| Let's throw the math to those carb guys. | ||
| Those science dudes. | ||
| They were killing me. | ||
| My son made one the 11th day he ever played golf in front of me and his coach and his best friend. | ||
| And it was a 95-yard part three from the regular women's tees with a U.S. Kids Club driver that I still have. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And just straight at the hall, he had a great golf swing. | ||
| Kids, if you treat them, his golf coach was good, even though they spoke a different language. | ||
| They understood golf and how to teach him that swing, and so he was good at it. | ||
| And he doesn't really play much anymore. | ||
| It's not his thing, but he landed 10 yards in front of the pin, bounced twice, rolled right in the middle of the cup. | ||
| And at this point, I'd been playing golf for 30 years, and I'd never done it. | ||
| And so it was a big deal. | ||
| And he got his name in a couple of newspapers, and they mentioned him on the Golf Channel. | ||
| He was the youngest kid that had made a hole-in-one that year that was registered. | ||
| And then like two weeks later, a six-year-old did it. | ||
| My son was like, you know, it took all the joy out of it for him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was one kid. | ||
| He was lucky. | ||
| His went on and off a mailbox. | ||
| Yours went on and off a perfect golf shot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Golf shot? | |
| It's a hard thing to learn, right? | ||
| That swing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, it is a really difficult thing to do, and it's just a thing that you learn how to aim. | ||
| It's like a bow and arrow, you know? | ||
| Even though that's a little easier to teach somebody how to do, but to do it exceptionally well... | ||
| You know, it's not easy to do. | ||
| Or a slingshot. | ||
| How to get the power at the right spot or even fly casting. | ||
| It's not power everywhere. | ||
| It's power in the right spot that does it. | ||
| Yeah, that whip of the wrist. | ||
| Yeah, and so it's... | ||
| It's hard to do, but it's fun to do. | ||
| Once you learn how to hit a good, solid golf shot and the ball comes off the way it's supposed to, it's bliss. | ||
| I'll tell you something. | ||
| Here's a story about golf. | ||
| My best friend who passed away died of brain cancer. | ||
| So they had done a surgery on him that had just... | ||
| Down his scars, down his neck, down his back, where they were trying to harvest. | ||
| They were shooting it. | ||
| He should have had a death sentence. | ||
| We just weren't saying it out loud. | ||
| And we were at my place in Montecito, and we had thrown everything at this cancer but the kitchen sink, and we were looking for the fucking sink. | ||
| And Steve goes, let's go to the golf course, man. | ||
| He goes, I'll help you read some putts. | ||
| He was always good at reading putts. | ||
| We've been playing golf since we were little kids. | ||
| We've known each other since we were six. | ||
| So when I got my clubs out, his clubs were in there too. | ||
| So he reaches into his pill bag and takes another pain pill. | ||
| I said, I'll throw mine on there. | ||
| You know, I might take a swing. | ||
| And he did off the first tee box, and it hurt, and it wasn't very good. | ||
| And he just winced. | ||
| But every once in a while, he'd put a ball down and he'd hit it. | ||
| And when we get to the 17th hole, it was par three, 167 yards. | ||
| It was a long... | ||
| And he hits his drive with his driver, and it fades off a little bit to the right, but he caught it. | ||
| And so it was up by the green, but the pin was kind of on the other side. | ||
| And I was like, great. | ||
| And so he hits a chip shot, which is easier to do, and he's always really been good at that. | ||
| And he hits it to about seven feet. | ||
| And I'm like, oh my God, he's got a seven-foot putt for a par, and he makes it. | ||
| And this dying man gets the biggest grin I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| And it was crooked because his muscles had been cut, but it just brought him pure fucking joy. | ||
| And then I got to see the last par he ever made. | ||
| And I got to witness that joy. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| That's golf. | ||
| If it means that much to you, it can make you feel better if you do it right one time. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I think it's like in any difficult game like that. | ||
| I guess it would be like that with a lot of games. | ||
| But there's something about golf, too, that it's very physical. | ||
| And you're doing it outside. | ||
| It's one of the only things you have to do outside. | ||
| I guess you could do tennis inside. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Right. | ||
| But golf is a fucking giant-ass course. | ||
| You're going to be walking. | ||
| You've got to go outside. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I do it in a golf cart, but I walk from the golf cart to the ball. | ||
| Something's happening. | ||
| There's some kind of walking. | ||
| Something's going on. | ||
| Something's going on. | ||
| But you've got to stay loose. | ||
| That's the only reason I do yoga is to keep my lower back and keep everything moving around. | ||
| Your golf's got to be a lot of lower back. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's all got to turn around your spine. | ||
| I'm 62 years old, and so that's just harder to do. | ||
| You've got to keep those muscles stretched out to be able to do it at all. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's like that with anything where you're moving your body as a unit. | ||
| Martial arts stuff, anything. | ||
| As you get older in particular, you better be really aware. | ||
| All the moving parts. | ||
| When you're a kid, you can just fucking hit the gas. | ||
| When you hit 50, you better be, you know, you're swinging a tennis racket or something like that. | ||
| You better be aware of your shoulders and your knees. | ||
| You gotta be aware of all these moving parts. | ||
| How old are you? | ||
| 51. 51? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait for 62. I'm not waiting. | |
| What's up? | ||
| Here's Tiger's back injury. | ||
| He's had four back surgeries. | ||
| Oh no, he had another one? | ||
| No, this isn't like yesterday or anything. | ||
| This is from like a year or two ago. | ||
| Oh, good. | ||
| Wise announced that he had undergone anterior lumbar interbody fusion. | ||
| Oh, that's fusing his dicks. | ||
| Many thought his discs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Excuse me. | |
| He fused his dicks? | ||
| Freud! | ||
| Hello, Freud. | ||
| Many thought that his competitive golf career was over and his fourth surgery since March of 2014, which involved removing the L5-S1 intervertebral disc and then inserting fusion material to connect the L5 and S1 vertebrate. | ||
| What? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Although he's apparently recovered quite well from the operation, the surgery is quite rare amongst professional golfers. | ||
| One of the PGA players, Dudley Hart, had had a fusion in the same location as Woods. | ||
| Fucking fusion's rough, man. | ||
| That means there's no disc left. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he won the, whatever they call it, the FedEx Cup, the last tournament of the year. | ||
| Last year, Tiger won it. | ||
| So he came back from that injury. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Oh, it is amazing. | ||
| And I was there at Eastlake in Atlanta, and I'd do all their charity stuff. | ||
| Yeah, that's the footage of him going up to 18th Green. | ||
| He's about to win this thing. | ||
| And this is the top 30 golfers on the PGA Tour, which is the toughest tour there is. | ||
| Look at all these people jazzing out. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| What a weird sport that everybody gets to run on the field and follow them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Walk right next to them. | ||
| There's no crowd control there. | ||
| They have no idea what the fuck is going on. | ||
| So I was right up there above this green. | ||
| Because I walked with it. | ||
| Because I get to go inside the rope. | ||
| And I followed it a couple of buttons. | ||
| Oh, he fucking choked. | ||
| Nah, it didn't matter. | ||
| This is the one he needs right here. | ||
| The short one. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I think he had a two-shot lead going into that. | ||
| And that's it? | ||
| And he won? | ||
| And he won the whole thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, and that was the comeback. | ||
| You know, that was the comeback that people said would never happen, that he would never... | ||
| Especially at this level. | ||
| That's a hard tournament to win. | ||
| I mean, that's tough, tough stuff. | ||
| So he's back. | ||
| Tiger's back! | ||
| Tiger's back. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| I don't require a lot from people, you know, if they get some strange along the way. | ||
| That guy, he got it rough after his whole divorce and the sex scandal. | ||
| He had it rough for a long time. | ||
| People were coming after him. | ||
| But... | ||
| The thing is about those back surgeries is I wonder why they did the fusion, because I think they do articulating discs now that seem to be very effective. | ||
| You know, I think he tried... | ||
| I mean, I think he had... | ||
| Well, he had four, so... | ||
| Because people are... | ||
| I know a few people that are doing those... | ||
| that have got those discs down. | ||
| They put, like, a titanium movable disc... | ||
| It basically takes the place of the disc that's in your back. | ||
| Eddie Bravo had that done. | ||
| It says what? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| You know, I play all these pro-ams. | ||
| Increase the golfer's performance via an anterior approach is that it spares the large muscles of the back that are critical to golf swing, which potentially makes recovery for athletes a bit easier. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| I don't know, but I would imagine whoever was looking at Tiger's back was about the best person in the world to be looking at it, so I'm sure they would have... | ||
| He had a pretty big budget for it. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you would want... | ||
| I mean, they must have, like, really calculated it. | ||
| That was what the best move was. | ||
| Maybe if they put an artificial disc, it would move funny. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| That whole... | ||
| The back thing's a rough one. | ||
| You ever had any back problems? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't have a lot of any kind of problems except that little alcohol thing that I got going, that little squeaker. | ||
| But I play golf with guys in these pro-ams, and most of them are football, basketball players, and most of them are around my age, and most of them... | ||
| Or in pain. | ||
| If it turns out, smoking pot, watching cartoons, good for your knees. | ||
| Because mine are fine. | ||
| I just didn't get hurt. | ||
| I played golf when I was on the golf team. | ||
| I sucked, but I was on the golf team in junior high and high school. | ||
| I played football too. | ||
| Life of relative leisure is good for the joints. | ||
| Right, it's good for the joints. | ||
| You don't take a pounding. | ||
| Not from where I'm laying. | ||
| Yeah, the fucking... | ||
| The knees and the ankles. | ||
| We were talking to Kamaru Usman yesterday, who's UFC welterweight champion. | ||
| He's had five knee surgeries. | ||
| Both of his knees are basically bone on bone. | ||
| Can't run anymore. | ||
| Had all kinds of crazy... | ||
| And still fights? | ||
| Destroys people. | ||
| With no knees. | ||
| He doesn't just fight. | ||
| He destroys people. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He just beat Tyron Woodley, who was the best before him. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| I laugh so hard when that guy goes, my balls got hot. | ||
| You go... | ||
| The best thing you could have possibly said was, I understand. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| Derek Lewis, he's a genius. | ||
| He figured out a way to be himself. | ||
| Have you ever gone to his Instagram page? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| If there's anything fucking crazy going on in the world, Derek Lewis has it on his Instagram page. | ||
| His Instagram page is the best. | ||
| People found out about it. | ||
| I gave him a shout out to his Instagram page on one of the UFC broadcasts. | ||
| And now, it's got like, what does he have? | ||
| How many followers do you have now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
One. | |
| 1.6 million? | ||
| It's not good though. | ||
| It's fucking chaos. | ||
| He always gets videos deleted and removed, but apparently they leave him up there. | ||
| I mean, they're not threatening to take him down, I don't think. | ||
| I hope not. | ||
| It's where I go to. | ||
| I'll go take a look at it. | ||
| Fucking dummy that's trying to like light a bomb under a tire and fly through the air and smash the roof of a fucking garage with his face. | ||
| He's got all that shit. | ||
| Motorcycle accidents or people trying to do wheelies and they fall and it lands on him. | ||
| Anything fucked up on the internet, Derek Lewis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's funny. | |
| You know, it's funny. | ||
| He's got it all. | ||
| Anything crazy, just fucking, he's a hilarious guy. | ||
| But the fact that he can say something like that, you know, like right after a fight. | ||
| Like, why are you taking shorts off? | ||
| My balls was hot. | ||
| He starts selling t-shirts afterwards. | ||
| My Balls is Hot t-shirt. | ||
| So they don't... | ||
| I got one. | ||
| I don't think people listen to anything that's being said about... | ||
| USA in this hole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need one. | |
| Derek, please. | ||
| I need one of those shirts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need one of those shirts. | |
| Please, Derek. | ||
| Oh my god, he's the best. | ||
| He's such a character. | ||
| Fight his ass off, too. | ||
| So, I know it's your show, but how many fights do you do now, and does anybody care about a fight you don't announce? | ||
| Yeah, they for sure care. | ||
| Yeah, I do ten a year. | ||
| Ten events a year. | ||
| I'm doing the big pay-per-views. | ||
| There's a lot of them that are overseas. | ||
| I just... | ||
| But they want you to be the voice, right? | ||
| And you just don't have time. | ||
| I just don't have the time. | ||
| I don't have the time. | ||
| With the podcast and with doing stand-up and making Netflix specials and shit, there's just no time. | ||
| Oh yeah, fuck no, I know there's no time. | ||
| I like it better when I do it once a month. | ||
| Like 10 times a year is basically once a month. | ||
| I like that better because it seems like that's... | ||
| And it's the higher profile stuff. | ||
| I don't mind the... | ||
| There's a lot of fights that are not that high profile that I love. | ||
| It's like they're Crosby, Stills, and Nash and you're young. | ||
| Right? | ||
| You just pop in and do the big shows and people don't care as much. | ||
| I love doing it, man. | ||
| I love doing it. | ||
| I still do. | ||
| But... | ||
| It's amazing to me how many people that I meet, because I talk about you, and I love our friendship, but I really admire you a lot. | ||
| And I admire you for a lot of reasons, but one of them is that you're famous for a lot of things. | ||
| And some people don't know you as all of those things. | ||
| I don't know if anybody does. | ||
| Well, probably, because they listen to the podcast, and there's millions of them, but still, it's... | ||
| I don't think it's as common for people to know how good a comedian you are. | ||
| Of course they don't unless they've seen you live because they might think of you as the guy from the Fear Factor or the Man Show or UFC and you're famous for all those things and stand-up comedy. | ||
| That's crazy, but I find myself defending you sometimes, going, listen to his fucking stand-up. | ||
| Go watch, turn on Netflix and watch that last special. | ||
| Watch all of them. | ||
| It's really, really good stuff. | ||
| He's one of the only people that really makes me laugh, and I feel like I'm out here spreading the word. | ||
| You've got to... | ||
| It reaches the entire universe. | ||
| And I'm explaining Joe Rogan to people. | ||
| Listen, I love you and I appreciate you. | ||
| So you saying that to me means a lot to me. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Well, that's... | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Baby shit. | ||
| All over my fucking foot, I'm saying. | ||
| And I'm not over it. | ||
| I'm just not over it. | ||
| It's a good thing to be angry. | ||
| If you're going to have one bad moment in your life, that's a manageable one. | ||
| Yeah, because you can hose it off your foot, right? | ||
| But there was no hose. | ||
| That's what I'm trying to say. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| It was nasty. | ||
| There was no hose. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| There was no fucking hose. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I wouldn't have been stuck if there would have been a hose. | ||
| But that was in the parking lot of a grocery store. | ||
| Jamie, what were you telling me that Conor McGregor was mad at me for something? | ||
| What were you saying? | ||
| I could pull up the video, I guess. | ||
| What was he doing? | ||
| Is that illegal? | ||
| Are we allowed to see it? | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| But what did he say? | ||
| Something like... | ||
| Talk off script. | ||
| Talk on script. | ||
| Or call fights on a script or something. | ||
| That is not really true, because no one ever gives me a script. | ||
| That's a fact. | ||
| I mean, I don't know what exactly he said, but maybe he just didn't like my commentary. | ||
| I bet he likes it when he wins. | ||
| Right? | ||
| You got his picture up in your... | ||
| Right here in the... | ||
| What do you call this place? | ||
| In the studio. | ||
| The actual quote is, I'd like him to call a fight how he sees it correctly instead of reading off a script, though. | ||
| Well, that's his perception. | ||
| I understand what he's saying. | ||
| You know, sometimes people think that. | ||
| But, you know, it's very difficult when someone's calling your fight. | ||
| If he's talking about me calling someone's fight that's not his friend... | ||
| Then that makes much more sense. | ||
| It's fucking hard, man. | ||
| It's hard for me. | ||
| I have a really hard time calling friends fights. | ||
| It's fucking hard. | ||
| Do you know him? | ||
| Yeah, a lot of them. | ||
| I don't know him that well, but I like him a lot. | ||
| I respect him. | ||
| It's fun to watch him fight, that's for sure. | ||
| Do you want me to play that? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Go ahead and play it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man, he's got a great following, he's got crazy insight, great guests. | |
| Maybe at some stage I'm going to get, who knows? | ||
| I'd like him to call a fight how he sees it, correct? | ||
| I've been reading off the script though. | ||
| The Diaz rematch, it was like he was reading off the horse fight. | ||
| You know, and that last one it sounded about to the face was getting smashed. | ||
| Nice life from McGregor. | ||
| I left that uncle gone with a black eye. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The same way as two rat cousins left with. | |
| His brother and his cousin left with a black eye. | ||
| Fuck a beat, man! | ||
| So he's talking, they must have asked him if you do the podcast. | ||
| I get his position. | ||
| You know, that Diaz fight was a good fucking fight, man. | ||
| It was a hard fight. | ||
| I wasn't calling it like the last fight, but I had to call it with the knowledge of the last fight. | ||
| I had to know what happened in the last fight. | ||
| In the last fight, Diaz survived the storm, tagged him, had him rocked, and then finished him on the ground. | ||
| It doesn't mean that he didn't win the second fight. | ||
| It was a close fucking fight. | ||
| The second fight was a very close fight. | ||
| But you have to acknowledge that that other fight took place. | ||
| He also said it with a smile. | ||
| Yeah, he's having fun. | ||
| You can tell that... | ||
| I think that guy is one of the most dynamic individuals to ever compete in the sport. | ||
| He's a special person. | ||
| Very special person. | ||
| Very unusual guy. | ||
| Even if he doesn't beat Khabib ever again, or he loses to this guy, he loses to Floyd Mayweather, who cares? | ||
| He's still one of a fucking billion human being. | ||
| He's an unusual guy. | ||
| The amount of electricity and excitement... | ||
| How good is he? | ||
| He's fucking good, man. | ||
| He starched Jose Aldo, who was one of the greatest featherweights, if not the greatest, next to Max Holloway of all time, starched him with one punch when Aldo was Aldo. | ||
| Aldo was the fucking man. | ||
| I mean, he was the man. | ||
| He was smashing everybody for years. | ||
| And Conor talked so much shit to him. | ||
| He climbed so deep inside his head and infuriated him to the point where he was so emotional. | ||
| And he came charging at Conor. | ||
| And Conor just slipped back and BANK! Drop, like, the best one-punch knockout in the history of the sport. | ||
| Oh, no shit. | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| Because it was so significant. | ||
| There was so much hype behind it. | ||
| It was a guy where, like, how good is this guy? | ||
| Is this guy really the next big thing? | ||
| Or is he going to fall apart when he meets a real champion like Aldo? | ||
| And then he knocks him out with one fucking punch. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| And then hammer fists him while he's out when he's on the ground. | ||
| I mean, it was definitive, right? | ||
| How long? | ||
|
unidentified
|
14 seconds into the first round. | |
| He throws a hopping sidekick. | ||
| He's gauging the distance. | ||
| He's got this karate stance. | ||
| And then he sees Jose load up. | ||
| Here, you can watch it right here. | ||
| He sees Jose load up. | ||
| And when he sees Jose load up, he had this fight won. | ||
| Go ahead, play it. | ||
| He had this fight won even before. | ||
| I mean, he knew how it was going to go down. | ||
| He knew what Aldo was going to do. | ||
| He was real emotional and angry, so he knew he was going to come forward. | ||
| So he's gauging his distance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bang! | |
| See that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bam! | |
| Oh, the Friday one. | ||
| I mean, that was like one of the most spectacular KOs in the history of the sport. | ||
| Because it had so much meaning to it. | ||
| It was so important. | ||
| It was for the featherweight championship of the world. | ||
| Conor had already won the interim title. | ||
| Him and Aldo facing each other. | ||
| This big hype thing. | ||
| It took like a year to put together. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| Did you call that? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it's the only time I've ever yelled out he slept him when someone got cracked. | ||
| I don't even know why I said it. | ||
| That's what came to my head. | ||
| I just yelled it out. | ||
| That's what he did. | ||
| He slept him. | ||
| I saw that special about that guy who announces for world wrestling or professional wrestling. | ||
| Jake the Snake? | ||
| No, the announcer guy. | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| Which guy? | ||
| Jim Ross? | ||
| Is there a Jim Ross documentary? | ||
| He's got real bad PTSD, but he's a great star. | ||
| Sounds like it. | ||
| I don't know exactly. | ||
| It's a book? | ||
| No, it's a documentary that I saw, and I can't remember the guy's name. | ||
| In 20 minutes, I still not remember the guy's name. | ||
| But it was great. | ||
| And he's really good. | ||
| I mean, he's sought after for big events. | ||
| He does all their big events, or he did. | ||
| And then he'd, like, fall off into this crazy, deprecious thing. | ||
| And then they'd come back, and, you know, it was a great story. | ||
| I wish I could think of it. | ||
| I would think you would know who that was. | ||
| Morrow? | ||
| Morrow and Olive. | ||
| Oh, was it Morrow? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, Morrow and Olive. | ||
| Yeah, Morrow does Showtime Boxing, too. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Is that your phone, Ron? | ||
| It's definitely a phone. | ||
| Is that your phone that sings Back in Black? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I think the special's called Bipolar Rock and Roller. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Morrow's been on the podcast before. | ||
| He's a buddy of mine. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| He's a great announcer. | ||
| Really, really nice guy, too. | ||
| But yeah, he suffers from mental illness, and he does a really good job of talking about it and making sure that other people know that this is not something that you should be ashamed of, you know? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| A message from my son. | ||
| Love you, Dad. | ||
| Oh, how cute. | ||
| He does that in the middle of nowhere for no reason at all. | ||
| That's awesome, man. | ||
| Ron White. | ||
| Getting some love. | ||
| But yeah, Morrow is... | ||
| He used to do Pride. | ||
| He used to do Pride commentary. | ||
| He's done a lot of boxing. | ||
| He did Showtime boxing. | ||
| He does WWE. He's done a bunch of MMA shit, too. | ||
| You know, a bunch of different organizations. | ||
| I think he even did Glory for a while. | ||
| He does Bellator, too. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| He does Bellator. | ||
| He's a really good guy. | ||
| Mental illness is a weird one, man. | ||
| You walk away from watching the documentary a fan. | ||
| Even if you don't know anything about it. | ||
| I loved wrestling when I was a kid, and I was a big Wahoo McDaniels fan. | ||
| Who's Wahoo McDaniels? | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I came up during the Bob Backlund days. | ||
| Yeah, this guy, he was a Dallas Cowboy at one time, and he was from Midland, Texas, and he was a Cherokee Indian. | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| Look at the size of him. | ||
| Oh yeah, look at him. | ||
| And he looked like a comedian, right? | ||
| He looked like Shaky Green or somebody, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he does. | |
| He looks like, yeah. | ||
| Who does he look like? | ||
| So he would come out. | ||
| Now, this is my first encounter with the police. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him. | |
| My first encounter with the police. | ||
| Buddy Hackett, that's who he looks like. | ||
| Buddy Hackett, that is what it is. | ||
| He's a Jack Buddy Hackett. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So my cousin, who's a few years older than me, I'm visiting my relatives up in this little town north of Amarillo. | ||
| And so we go down to Amarillo, 60 miles down to Amarillo, and he's going to take us to the Sportatorium to watch the Super Inferno, who I hated. | ||
| I mean, this was on local television all over, you know, Texas, but one of the stops was there. | ||
| And... | ||
| And so we went, and I don't think I'd been to one yet. | ||
| It was my first one. | ||
| And I loved Wahoo McDaniels, because he gets out there and just, and he comes back from anything, right? | ||
| You'll think he's out of it. | ||
| And he ain't out of it. | ||
| He just, he is amazing. | ||
| And fun, and you know, I just loved him, loved him, loved him. | ||
| And I hated the Super Inferno because he was like Russian or something, you know, something that was easy to hate. | ||
| All the propaganda we were getting about Russia was like their women are ugly. | ||
| I'm like, no, they're not. | ||
| You know, it took me a while. | ||
| It was also like Pittsburgh. | ||
| Because we talked so bad about my relatives about Pittsburgh because they hated the Steelers. | ||
| And I just had this image of Pittsburgh of this dark, cloudy, people bent over, gray in the face. | ||
| And the first time I drove into Pittsburgh, I was like, this place is gorgeous. | ||
| Look at this place. | ||
| It's a blast. | ||
| It's a hoot. | ||
| Great place to perform. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's always been a big stop for me. | ||
| I mean, once I got out of the club. | ||
| Yeah, Pittsburgh's great. | ||
| Cleveland's another one that's very underrated. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cleveland's fucking great. | ||
| I always had a blast playing that improv down in the flats, man. | ||
| That titty bar right there in the parking lot. | ||
| I was like, man, this is one-stop shopping for Ron White. | ||
| How many dates are you doing a year these days? | ||
| 110 cities last year. | ||
| And then I try to do sets when I'm in town. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I should do more. | ||
| How nice is it to have a store, though? | ||
| You know, it's great. | ||
| I went to the memorial in... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brody's? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And, you know, I'd like to just tell your listeners that you never know when it's going to be the last time you see somebody. | ||
| So don't ever, ever hesitate to say, I'm going to need that money. | ||
| But you're going to... | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You can't do it later. | ||
| You can't get it from their mother at the funeral. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| Very good point. | ||
| So don't forget that. | ||
| Every time I saw Brody, I gave him a hug. | ||
| That's one thing that Brody and I always had in common. | ||
| Always. | ||
| Always. | ||
| Every single time I saw Brody, I gave him a big hug. | ||
| Like he was a big hugger. | ||
| I only knew him as a brother. | ||
| I feel important I feel like it's important to me to be a part of the comedy community. | ||
| Participate in it. | ||
| If you're out there and you're a comedian and you want to be a comedian, you can be a comedian, but you've got to go be a comedian. | ||
| And you've got to do it every day. | ||
| For the most part. | ||
| I know you're the same way. | ||
| I mean, I know that you'd never pass up an opportunity to get behind a microphone, whether it's... | ||
| 8 or 10 million people to listen to this, or 65 people, whatever. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| It doesn't matter to me. | ||
| You've got to do it all the time. | ||
| It's the only way to do it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you don't do it all the time, you lose the touch with the reality of it. | ||
| And also, it's pace, rhythm, and how comfortable you are in any situation. | ||
| You know, this situation is just me and you talking, or 26 people. | ||
| I play the Laughing Skull in Atlanta. | ||
| 65 people sold out. | ||
| It's one of the hottest rooms I've ever had my hands on. | ||
| I love that joint. | ||
| Oh, isn't that cool as shit? | ||
| I did that place. | ||
| I did that place a couple years ago. | ||
| Yeah, that was my hang when I lived out there. | ||
| What a great place to practice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, it was. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It's a great staff, too. | ||
| It's like they're comedy fans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| People that work there. | ||
| The Vortex was a really cool bar next year. | ||
| They have great burgers, right? | ||
| They sell a lot of number one tequila. | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Yeah, that's a great little spot. | ||
| That's what every city needs, right? | ||
| They need a great little comedy community, you know, where you got up-and-comers that are really working on it, people that really appreciate good material. | ||
| Well, there was a really good comedy scene in Atlanta, and a couple of guys that won Last Comic Standing came out of Atlanta. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| I'm so bad with names, I... Yeah, it's only like, but if you stopped and think how many real comedy communities are there in the country? | ||
| I don't even think there's ten. | ||
| You think there's ten? | ||
| Well, you know, St. Louis has always had one. | ||
| Chicago's always had one. | ||
| Denver's always had one. | ||
| And, of course, L.A., New York, Houston. | ||
| Houston had one for a long time. | ||
| Hicks and Greenlee and Pineapple. | ||
| Did you know Pineapple? | ||
| Yeah, I worked with Pineapple once. | ||
| You know what he used to do? | ||
| He would drive all the way across Houston to ignore me. | ||
| He did it. | ||
| He did it all the time, too. | ||
| And he had no reason to be there. | ||
| And I know that some of those guys didn't like me because... | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| I don't know why, but they were really, really cliquish. | ||
| And I went in there one night and had a horrible set. | ||
| And I was following Hicks. | ||
| And I had a really green show. | ||
| But in the right circumstance... | ||
| You know, in a comedy club with nothing great happening before you, it kind of worked a little bit. | ||
| But that night, it didn't work at all. | ||
| And I was probably getting a little more work than those guys were, some of them. | ||
| And they were like, oh, he sucks. | ||
| Well, the fact of the matter is, I did suck. | ||
| Because my act went up. | ||
| You know, you don't want to follow Hicks. | ||
| I say that to make the story better. | ||
| I wasn't following Hicks. | ||
| But he was, you know, or Kennison, but they were both there. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| But everybody was good. | ||
| I mean, Greenlee was good. | ||
| All these guys were seasoned pros. | ||
| That was a hot lineup. | ||
| But I never felt like any of them liked me, except for Hicks. | ||
| And I came to see him do shows, and I asked him to do the story about John Davidson and the mask. | ||
| And he goes, don't stand next to the exits, just a tip. | ||
| Because people just walk out of the show when he does it. | ||
| I watched him do that. | ||
| He did that at the Knicks Comedy Stop in Boston. | ||
| And he cleared the fucking room, man. | ||
| And it was crazy because at the end of the show, there was me and Greg Fitzsimmons and maybe three or four other comics and five or six people in the crowd. | ||
| There was like maybe 20 people left, all told, laughing our fucking asses. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Everybody else is getting up angry. | ||
| I saw it go both ways. | ||
| I've seen him beat crowds to death. | ||
| I saw it set one night at the laugh stop in Austin, and nobody in the room could breathe, and he was in the mood to do it. | ||
| And I think sometimes he was, and sometimes he wasn't, or whatever. | ||
| But he was in the mood and decided to just fucking stab us all in the face. | ||
| It was beautiful. | ||
| He was exceptional. | ||
| Whether or not people think he was one of the greats, that's entirely subjectional. | ||
| It's subjective. | ||
| It's completely up to your own interpretation. | ||
| But to me, he changed comedy in a lot of ways because he made people talk about things that were important. | ||
| Because everybody else is talking about nonsense. | ||
| You're talking about airline food and how come I can't lean my seat back. | ||
| Standard normal shit. | ||
| I'm falling and I can't get up. | ||
| Exactly right. | ||
| And he was coming along talking about positive drug stories. | ||
| You know? | ||
| A man on acid. | ||
| Realize it all matters. | ||
| Energy condensed to a slow rhythmic vibration. | ||
| Like, that whole fucking bit was amazing. | ||
| Here's Tom with the weather. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That bit was amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It was. | ||
| And he was influential. | ||
| I mean, I think... | ||
| I can say this about Bill Hicks, and I am an expert at stand-up comedy. | ||
| I would have a triple doctorate if you gave those kinds of things for the work. | ||
| The amount of time I've put into it. | ||
| And you as a peer would have the exact same thing. | ||
| So for me to listen to someone's opinion about stand-up comedy, they have to have a lot of cred to me before I really give a shit what they think. | ||
| So here's what you should think. | ||
| The only thing that every comic from my generation agrees on is he was better than us. | ||
| And that's the only thing that they agree on. | ||
| And I can't find anybody that has a big argument. | ||
| That he wasn't. | ||
| Now, was he the best that ever lived? | ||
| No, but did he influence me more than anybody else, and you probably more than anybody else, because you're certainly that way also, right? | ||
| Somebody built that bridge, and now you feel free to talk about anything. | ||
| None of your act is ever hack. | ||
| There were a lot of hacks, but I think pigs freed people not to be a hack. | ||
| Yeah, he cured people of that. | ||
| He made it shameful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then you cured them of stealing material. | |
| I don't know if I did. | ||
| I think it's still going on. | ||
| I guarantee you. | ||
| There's a chain reaction to it. | ||
| Just like Kraft getting caught getting a blowjob. | ||
| That shut down business all over the continental United States. | ||
| Nobody walked into a spa without wondering whether or not it was a sting operation and your name was going to be blown out on the... | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| There's a video of this guy doing a massage, so they've got video of it, right? | ||
| And at the end, the girl jerks him off. | ||
| What if she didn't jerk him off? | ||
| What if she just gave him a massage? | ||
| What kind of a fucked up invasion of his privacy if he just went in there to get a massage? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or was everybody just getting jacked off? | ||
| I would imagine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you saying? | |
| They offered him a plea deal to drop the charges, so I don't know what happened, really. | ||
| He ratted everybody out. | ||
| He's like, I need to stay above ground, kids. | ||
| Well, I gotta tell you, you know, I was so lonesome, you know, I took some comfort there, you know, in my lifetime, as Paul Simon once wrote. | ||
| And... | ||
| Okay, you know what, I'm not going to say it because it's just not worth it. | ||
| Yeah, I hear you. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| It's not worth it. | ||
| But everybody seems to be perfectly aware that they could be washing your feet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, you know. | ||
| And that's fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why is it that a guy like that would go to a place like that? | ||
| Like, he's so rich. | ||
| You don't think he has a guy. | ||
| If you don't have a guy, you should get a guy. | ||
| Look no further. | ||
| A cleaner. | ||
| Look no further. | ||
| Look no further than... | ||
| Everybody's going to realize just how fading my memory is now, but the English actor that got caught with the hooker... | ||
| Yes, Elizabeth Hurley's husband, Hugh Grant. | ||
| Hugh Grant, right. | ||
| Look at Hugh Grant. | ||
| Married to the hottest woman on the planet at the time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Ruthlessly hot. | ||
| Yeah, amazingly hot. | ||
| He wasn't married to her either, right? | ||
| Oh, he was boyfriend and girlfriend. | ||
| Yeah, boyfriend and girlfriend. | ||
| And... | ||
| And even I couldn't understand that, right? | ||
| I mean, because I've been with a couple of hot chicks before in my life, but this was... | ||
| He wanted it freaky. | ||
| Yeah, and I get that, and it comes back to that appetite thing that guys have. | ||
| I've gotten a handjob from somebody, and I admit this. | ||
| And it was the best sex I've ever had in my life because it was somebody that was, number one, it was a great massage and this tantric thing going on. | ||
| And, you know, but it was fantastic and pricey. | ||
| And it's free most anywhere, and that's in Vegas, as legal as it can be. | ||
| You know, they have milking tables that have a hole your dick hangs through. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They do! | ||
| A table? | ||
| Is that better for the guy if he lies on his stomach? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you got somewhere to put the heart on. | |
| I feel like he's laid on your back, no? | ||
| But it makes more sense hygienically to have a hole in the bottom of the table. | ||
| It'll be on the screen, I'm sure, soon. | ||
| That is ridiculous. | ||
| Listen, all I'm saying is that in Canada, or the rest of the world, getting a tug is really not considered a crime of any kind whatsoever. | ||
| And is harmless and who gives a shit. | ||
| Well, why is it okay to massage your feet? | ||
| But it's not okay to massage your dick. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I would rather massage my dick than my own feet. | ||
| I would. | ||
| And I prove it on a regular basis. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Regular basis. | ||
| I think the problem, really, is sex trafficking. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
|
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|
And that is a horrible... | |
| You know, that's the worst thing... | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| ...that I can imagine. | ||
| But it... | ||
| But it... | ||
| Again, I'm not going to... | ||
| No, I know what you're saying. | ||
| It's the most horrific thing you can imagine. | ||
| It's the most horrific thing you can imagine. | ||
| I just finished watching that series about taking Madeline. | ||
| And so I'm like, I just can't even... | ||
| That, I would support anything, any way, shape, or form, to have it stomped out, spend billions of dollars. | ||
| Put boots on the ground. | ||
| Stop it if you can, in any way you can. | ||
| Women who are trying to be legitimate sex workers, whether or not you think that's a thing, in their eyes... | ||
| It doesn't matter what I think. | ||
| It is a thing. | ||
| I just went to Amsterdam before I took my mother to Barcelona because I wanted a little three-day stopover before I spent eight days with mom in Barcelona. | ||
| And there's signs. | ||
| Don't take pictures of our sex workers. | ||
| Our sex workers. | ||
| Not sex workers. | ||
| Our sex workers. | ||
| And they totally own it and go, hey, this is not a bad deal. | ||
| You know what you're qualified to do? | ||
| Make french fries. | ||
| Or, it turns out you're super hot, and in our country, you can have this job. | ||
| Or in this country, you can have this job. | ||
| Just not everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, there's only a couple spots in this country, right? | ||
| Part of Nevada. | ||
| Yeah, Nevada. | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| I think it's just Nevada. | ||
| I think that's it. | ||
|
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|
But to me, if something's illegal... | |
| I play Vegas a lot, right? | ||
| I'm 10 weekends a year at the Mirage. | ||
| And marijuana is legal recreationally now, and they have the biggest dispensary in the world, which is like Universal made it or something. | ||
| I went in there. | ||
| It was fantastic. | ||
| And prostitution is legal. | ||
| You can get a drink of liquor 24 hours a day, seven days a week. | ||
| And I realized that I'm a law-abiding citizen. | ||
| Here, when I'm standing on this part of the United States ground, I don't break any laws at all. | ||
| I can be free. | ||
| That's why I feel so good when I go to Vegas. | ||
| That's why people go, do you like Vegas? | ||
| Do you get tired of it? | ||
| I'm, no! | ||
| No, you know why? | ||
| Because I can breathe deep, motherfucker. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| I can be who I am. | ||
| I can do it openly. | ||
| I can, you know, and so can everybody else. | ||
| And you get a crowd there. | ||
| And that's why... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've sold out 150,000 shows in a way. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Same with Amsterdam. | ||
| You sold out when I was there when I saw you. | ||
| You realize it's the law that causes the paranoia. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Because when you're in Amsterdam in one of those coffee shops, smoking a joint, drinking a badass cup of coffee, It's fun and freeing, and it's the way it should be. | ||
| The fact of the matter is, the same thing happens to me in Florida with just a little bit. | ||
| I'm handcuffed. | ||
| Taken to jail and moved from city jail to county jail and processed and fingerprinted and photographed. | ||
| They printed my address on the internet so people, anybody in the world could just walk straight over to the house. | ||
| I don't think anybody did because nobody gives a shit. | ||
| Except for a few people did write, Ron White has a jet? | ||
| That's the part I don't believe. | ||
| But anyway. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| The law is the real problem. | ||
| When you make alcohol illegal, you made organized crime big. | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
| They learned that from prohibition. | ||
| They should be learning that from all the drug problems we have in this country. | ||
| I guarantee you marijuana will be selling for the price of corn in 20 years because it takes the same amount of effort to grow it, right? | ||
| No, it's easier. | ||
| It's probably easier. | ||
| You probably need less pesticides. | ||
| You know, there's a gigantic problem south of our border, folks, with drugs, and it's because of us. | ||
| It's 100% because of us. | ||
| I mean, not us like you and me. | ||
| I don't do any drugs they sell. | ||
| The pot that I get, I get from people that grow it in California. | ||
| But there's a lot of people that buy Coke. | ||
| And if you buy Coke or meth, you're probably buying it from someone down there. | ||
| And, you know, there's a goddamn thriving industry that would go away if we made things legal, if we gave people. | ||
| Like you, Ron White. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're telling me you shouldn't be able to go buy Coke? | ||
| Who the fuck are they to tell you you can't buy Coke? | ||
| First of all, you sell tequila. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You kill yourself with tequila. | ||
| And you can get way more fucked up on my tequila. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or no. | ||
| Quit. | ||
| As fucked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
As fucked up. | |
| As fucked up as heroin. | ||
| As fucked up as anything else. | ||
| Probably easier to kill yourself. | ||
| You know, on my own amazingly great tequila... | ||
| I have found myself puking because I'm an idiot and got just too carried away. | ||
| It's probably easier to kill yourself with tequila than it is with coke. | ||
| You probably have to do a lot of coke to die. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's probably hard to do that coke at the end. | ||
| When your fucking nose is bleeding, your heart's pounding out of your chest, you gotta take another bump to push yourself over the edge. | ||
| It's probably hard. | ||
| In a Scarface. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He lived. | ||
| No, he didn't have cocaine. | ||
| They shot him up 55 times. | ||
| Yeah, they didn't have cocaine. | ||
|
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|
Show that footage. | |
| Joey Diaz is alive and well. | ||
| He tried. | ||
| Joey Diaz is alive and well. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You gotta do a lot of coke to kill you. | ||
| Especially, well, Joey Diaz, that motherfucker can eat rat poison. | ||
| He can eat rat poison and go do a show. | ||
|
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|
Right. | |
| He'd be mocking death. | ||
| Fuck you, cocksucker. | ||
| I'm going to do this fucking show. | ||
| I went to see him in Austin. | ||
| He was playing in Austin. | ||
|
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|
Cap City? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I went out and watched him just blister a crowd. | ||
| I mean, he just blistered them. | ||
| He's my GOAT. It was so much fun to watch. | ||
| He's a... | ||
| I see him do short sets all the time, but I got to watch him do, you know, 50, I think he did probably around 50 minutes or something like that, and it was great. | ||
| We had a blast. | ||
| Try replicating that in this fucking sanitized world. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Where there's Purell everywhere you turn. | ||
| The thing is, you know, if you're true, and here's something I believe, that if it's a comic or whatever, if you're true to your nature, then enough people will be attracted to that, right? | ||
| That the only mistake you can make is to not be true to your nature, right? | ||
| And if you look at all the great or really successful comics in the history of comedy, they were true to who they were. | ||
| I mean, Cosby, but, you know... | ||
| Yeah, he tricked everybody. | ||
| Yeah, he pulled one over on us. | ||
| Can you imagine if he was honest? | ||
|
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|
What I like to do is drug women and fuck them while they're unconscious. | |
| So I never really did that bit on stage. | ||
| I never really did that bit on stage very much. | ||
| Can I do it on your show, dude? | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| Let me think about it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| How does it go? | ||
| How does it go? | ||
| Bill Cosby. | ||
| In Bill's defense... | ||
| He explained to us years ago how much he hates cursing, and no one curses more than a wide-awake woman who's being raped. | ||
| That's a terrible joke. | ||
| It's a joke! | ||
| I know, but it made me cry laughing, because it's so fucked up. | ||
| I mean, look, it's both true and fucked up. | ||
| It is true. | ||
| Oh yeah, it is. | ||
| It's not endorsing rape. | ||
| That's why I never really found a spot in the opening lineup. | ||
| That's an hour and 20 minutes long. | ||
| You could have opened with that motherfucker, sir. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I do. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It was always just a mixed review. | ||
| It made people think. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It was like baby duck pussy lip tacos. | ||
| You either liked it or you didn't like it, but you listened to the next bit. | ||
| Well, you made sense, though. | ||
| It does make sense. | ||
| I mean, it really does. | ||
| It's a joke. | ||
| It's just a funny thing to say. | ||
| I think we all should have known, like, with his trying to control other people, he was always trying to control young black comics and stop them from swearing. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| There was that famous thing that he said to Pryor, or was it, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The people laughed! | |
| And he called Pryor, and he'd shut up and he'd take a Coke and shut the fuck up. | ||
| Did you get paid? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, tell Bill to have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up. | ||
| Right, yeah, that's it. | ||
| Dude, there's a guy that I'd like to get back into comedy. | ||
| Eddie Murphy. | ||
| Eddie, if you're out there, get back into comedy. | ||
| I left so hard at Raw. | ||
| Raw was so good. | ||
| Delirious. | ||
| Delirious is one of the best comedy specials of all time. | ||
| I think so, too. | ||
| Of all time. | ||
| And he did his thing recently. | ||
| And also himself. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Bill Cosby himself. | ||
| Bill Cosby himself was very good. | ||
| A lot of comics learned a lot about stand-up comedy watching Bill Cosby himself. | ||
| Yeah, he knew how to hold a moment. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, it was beautiful. | ||
| You know, that thing was framed like this. | ||
| The whole show was just his face. | ||
| No cutaway to fucking people laughing in the audience or cheesy shots from up here where you can't see who it is. | ||
| It was just framed in, right, just on his face. | ||
| And it was gorgeous work. | ||
| Just gorgeous work. | ||
| I've thought about this many times. | ||
| Do you think that those people from back in that era, from back in like the 60s and the 50s, that they used to drug each other and they didn't think it was as big a deal? | ||
| Like that men would do that, which we would consider today to be horrific. | ||
| You know, the idea that you would take someone's daughter and drug her and fuck is horrific. | ||
| We want violent repercussions for that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's how I feel. | |
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| Violent. | ||
| I want to smash her. | ||
| But do you think that maybe back then they were ignorant? | ||
| That they didn't know any better? | ||
| You always hear about people slipping people a mickey. | ||
| Do they think it was cute? | ||
| How many men were doing that back then? | ||
| Do you know what I'm saying? | ||
| You know, I find myself to be so conservatively – that I really can't think outside in that box. | ||
| You know, I just watched that documentary about them taking that girl. | ||
| They don't know what happened to her. | ||
| She was three years old. | ||
| But it talked a lot about recovery and all that, and just how sick a fucking world is out there. | ||
| And I can't even – Think about it. | ||
| I mean, this one detective had to look through these dark websites, and I'm like, and look at these images. | ||
| You can't unlook at those images. | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| You know, it's just a sickening thing. | ||
| You know, Ron, they're having a hard time with that with people that work for social media sites. | ||
| When they have to take down videos, like on Facebook and things like that, like a lot of them, like they're taking down these horrific videos, like horrible, all day long. | ||
| These people are just finding the things that are like, Horrible accidents, horrible assassinations, ISIS videos, and they're just taking him down. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, I was on Jim Norton's show one time. | ||
| He showed me a video of a guy fucking a snake. | ||
| And I'm like, dude, I don't want to see any of this shit. | ||
| Was it Jim? | ||
| Was he fucking a snake? | ||
| Jim. | ||
| No, it wasn't Jim. | ||
| It wasn't Jim. | ||
| And he's very, very funny. | ||
| And I love to... | ||
| Whatever I do with Jim is fun. | ||
| But he looks at anything on the... | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love him. | |
| People cutting heads off and all that stuff. | ||
| But he just said, well, look at this. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| The guy's... | ||
| It's snake pussy. | ||
| He found his snake pussy and stuck his... | ||
| Well, you ever see a snake egg? | ||
| You know, regular-sized cock. | ||
| So, you know, it's a fucking hole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Find a hole that dude's having fucked. | ||
| I'll find you a hole that can't be fucked. | ||
| Find the fetish. | ||
| I love Jim Norton for the same reason why I love you. | ||
| He's just himself. | ||
| He's not pretending to be somebody that won't watch a man fuck a snake. | ||
| He'll watch men fuck men. | ||
| He loves everything. | ||
| He likes transgender women. | ||
| He gets off on it. | ||
| And he's open about it. | ||
| He talks about it all the time. | ||
| To the point where when he was on Opie and Anthony, when they were in their prime, it was like one of their major themes was that Norton is into transgender women. | ||
| What's that called? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's called being Jim Norton. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, there's got to be a name, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's probably some name. | ||
| There's probably like a slang term for it, and there's probably some sort of, you know, intellectual. | ||
| I would think if anybody knew what that was, it would be you. | ||
| Yeah, I've never heard. | ||
| Jamie, do you think there's a word for dudes who are only into transgender women? | ||
| I bet there is. | ||
| If there isn't, we could probably make that up. | ||
| No, you're talking about... | ||
| For sure there's got to be one. | ||
| A man that's now a woman. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Not a woman that's now a man. | ||
| Well, there should be two, right? | ||
| There's peggers, which is a man who's now a woman but still has a dick, and she can peg you. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| She's your girlfriend, and she can fuck your ass. | ||
| I had... | ||
| Hello. | ||
| I had... | ||
| I had sex with a woman that was a, she played for the WNBA. She said 6'3", but I know she was a full head taller than me. | ||
| And she was so tall she could stick a finger in my ass. | ||
| Her arms were so long that she could reach around while I was, and stick a finger in my ass. | ||
| And I'm like, let's just go to the church. | ||
| You know, get married now. | ||
| Make some gladiator children. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Big, funny. | ||
| Dude, come on. | ||
| In my search here, I haven't found that term, but have you ever heard a lesbian man? | ||
| A lesbian man. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Okay, I'll take a stab at it. | ||
| Okay, help me. | ||
| It's a man who turns himself into a woman, but he still likes women. | ||
| Yeah, but he can keep his penis, I think. | ||
| I think that's what's going on. | ||
| Does he keep his penis? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He doesn't turn into... | ||
| He just likes to be pegged by women. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And he's not into guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| I've never heard that. | ||
| I just... | ||
| I'm looking for a dictionary. | ||
| So what do they call him? | ||
| A lesbian man. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So he only likes getting fucked by women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| I want to be a bisexual. | ||
| That just opens the field up all the way. | ||
| That shuts it down. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| And who's going to... | ||
| That's like an IQ quiz. | ||
| How big is that pond to fish from? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Question... | |
| Not very big, right? | ||
| Not very big. | ||
| A lesbian man. | ||
| Imagine if you put the bat signal out, I'm a lesbian man, I'm just looking for gals to peg me. | ||
| I bet there's a lot of them that would want to fuck you just for revenge. | ||
| How much of that is women that... | ||
| Why is it that pretty women don't seem to have any problem with men? | ||
| A lot of them are pretty easygoing about men. | ||
| But if you have bad genetics, like if you got dealt a wrong end of the stick, that is... | ||
| People talk about income inequality in this country, and that's definitely a real thing. | ||
| But if there's a real thing, it's like, who do people want to fuck inequality in this country? | ||
| And that's off the goddamn charts. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| As men and as women, we just have to understand that some people, they have an unearned tyranny on sexual affection. | ||
| It's unearned. | ||
| They didn't have to do anything. | ||
| Like these Russian women that people are lying to you about? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, you meet them and you go, Jesus! | ||
| It's just... | ||
| Russian gladiator genetics in perfect model form. | ||
| And you're like, holy shit, let me get the fuck out of this room quick. | ||
| I was on a cruise one time. | ||
| I was married. | ||
| And I had rented the back quarter. | ||
| I rented the The same spot Oprah stays in. | ||
| And it cost a fortune. | ||
| And we're out on the deck. | ||
| And there's two big suites in the middle and another one just like mine at the end. | ||
| But the one that was in this one, which was also a real expensive room, was this Russian dude. | ||
| And he was short, kind of chunky and bald. | ||
| But the girl that was with him was just a 12. And I knew the second I saw her, I was fucked. | ||
| Because there's no way my wife was not going to catch me just at least taking one little glimpse out of the corner of my eye. | ||
| And then she was going, oh, that's what you want. | ||
| You'd rather fuck her than me. | ||
| And I'm like, no! | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Absolutely not. | ||
| Absolutely not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why would I? Why would I? That's outrageous. | |
| What an outrageous assertion. | ||
| What an accusation. | ||
| If they only knew how vulnerable we are to a woman like that. | ||
| It's like that woman can... | ||
| There's a lot of people that that woman can run their life. | ||
| And they'll meet a guy who's an accountant who's never fucked at 12. And they'll start talking to him and basically anything... | ||
| There's nothing you can do. | ||
| Anything they want to do. | ||
| As long as they're willing to actually touch him. | ||
| As long as they're willing to stick their fucking beautiful tongue in that guy's mouth, suck on his lips, and grind that pussy against his dick, and grab his ass cheeks, and put your finger on the base of his taint, and rub it while you stick your tongue down his throat, and his dick as hard as a rock. | ||
| These things have never happened to this man. | ||
| There goes the neighborhood. | ||
| You just back the car up to the house, throw the keys in the fucking yard, tell the kids. | ||
| Yeah, that's that iced tea song. | ||
| I really hoped it wouldn't turn out this way. | ||
| There goes the neighborhood! | ||
| Iced tea and body count. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Yeah, there's certain women that could just run you. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I married one of them. | ||
| Gotta be careful. | ||
| They'll just get you. | ||
| If you're not... | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| How much of that for dudes who... | ||
| There's certain cases where you know it's not going to work. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| This dude, he's like a small sheep and he married a wolf. | ||
| It's just a matter of time before she fleeces him and gets the fuck out of Dodge and hopefully he'll still be alive. | ||
| But this is not going to work out. | ||
| We've all seen that before. | ||
| We've all seen it. | ||
| I wish I could tell you this story. | ||
| I wish you could too. | ||
| Let's shut this fucking podcast off and resume in 10 minutes. | ||
| Okay, alright. | ||
| Let me tell you this story. | ||
| Because I just don't want to say it because it's intertwined with something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| But it's very, very pertinent to what you just said. | ||
| Is there any legal ramifications? | ||
| Can anybody go to jail? | ||
| No. | ||
| Can anybody get sued? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| And it's the truth. | ||
| Okay, so I'll just create a fictional scenario. | ||
| Let's call the gentleman, what do you want to call him? | ||
| Let's call him Todd Blaker. | ||
| Todd Blaker. | ||
| Okay, no, I can't even do it this way. | ||
| Because I'll get chastised. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I think people would find out. | ||
| Slow down. | ||
| Let's be careful. | ||
| Also, I'm drunk, and I know you get me drunk on your show. | ||
| Oh, it's my fault. | ||
| Those fucking people on Reddit, they had their fingers above the keys. | ||
| They were hovering. | ||
| They were ready to start searching. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| There is no such thing as a guy named Matt. | ||
| And I will not tell you the story on this. | ||
| But anyway, what was amazing was I saw it happening in front of me. | ||
| His wife was... | ||
| They'd been married for a long time and he didn't look like much at all. | ||
| And there was a... | ||
| Kind of an assistant that was... | ||
| Ridiculously gorgeous. | ||
| And so I just looked at that and I was like... | ||
| You know where this is going. | ||
| And it went exactly where I thought it was going and there was nothing he could do. | ||
| He was completely powerless over this person. | ||
| There was nothing he could do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He would give everything. | |
| Oh yeah, like Gary Oldman in Dracula. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Winona Ryder was just hypnotized by him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was open a shirt in the middle of the night and Gary Oldman would be slithering into the fucking windows as mist. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or body heat with... | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| With Kathleen Turner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Throws the fucking chair through the window. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| That fucking ice in the fucking bathtub. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He didn't even want to use the door to fuck her. | ||
| People forgot how goddamn hot. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| How hot was Kathleen Turner back in the desert? | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| People don't know. | ||
| As hot as it gets. | ||
| As hot as it gets. | ||
| She was so sexy. | ||
| I mean, she developed some health problems as she got older, but when she was young, holy shit! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Kathleen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a lot of those guys. | ||
| If you ever feel like rubbing one off thinking about me, I owe you a few. | ||
| So go ahead and do it. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Reciprocation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hard when you're watching a guy get preyed upon. | ||
| When you're watching a man struggle with the fucking spider's web. | ||
| And you're like, well, hey man, it'll be fun when she does fuck you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| So as long as you can stay active, can get close to her, don't let her get too much money. | ||
| Be careful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I know because the wife had been around for a long time and it was a contract. | ||
| So there goes that part of it. | ||
| But I think the paperwork was fairly solid and towards the end of like a limit or whatever. | ||
| Okay, now everybody's going to know who it is. | ||
| Let's keep moving. | ||
| I knew a guy who was about to marry a gal and he was trying to... | ||
| Do no prenuptial. | ||
| And my friends were screaming at him, like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| And he's like, look, man, if it doesn't work out, I'd like her to have half. | ||
| And they went, what? | ||
| It's almost like you wish you had garlic to put around his neck. | ||
| Right now you're telling Noah about the flood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| So really? | ||
| They had two animals? | ||
| Listen to me, bitch. | ||
| You're ugly. | ||
| She's not. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Understand this. | ||
| The world is not fair. | ||
| The reality of not fair is you made enough money to attract her, but she's got a web. | ||
| You might get hooked. | ||
| You might get injected. | ||
| Or you might be able to figure out a way to keep her nervous. | ||
| Right? | ||
| How you do that, Joe? | ||
| You gotta act mysterious, bro. | ||
| Mysterious. | ||
| You gotta have like a book. | ||
| Is that how you did it? | ||
| Yeah, special books that you read. | ||
| You gotta be moody. | ||
| You gotta go on early morning runs while they're still asleep. | ||
| You gotta show powers that they don't possess. | ||
| I'm not doing any of these things. | ||
| You gotta show powers they don't possess. | ||
| I haven't done one of these things, Joe. | ||
| You have to be different. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have to be able to quote Shakespeare. | |
| Yeah, you've got to be willing to give up a lot of money. | ||
| If you're an ugly dude and you've got a hot wife, you've got a certain amount of time before she gets bored with you, which wants to fuck her trainer. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Her trainer. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| What I think is going to happen is within the next few years... | ||
| I've seen that exact same thing happen. | ||
| Oh, I've seen that happen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been friends with a lot of people where that's happened. | ||
| What I think is going to happen within the next 50 years is they're going to be able to eliminate the idea of unattractive people. | ||
| Legitimately, through DNA. I think they're going to be able to do that. | ||
| They're not going to know the world that we knew. | ||
| When we were kids, no internet, no fake tits. | ||
| Sometimes people were just unattractive. | ||
| No one knew anything about diet. | ||
| Nobody worked out. | ||
| Nobody worked out. | ||
| When I was in high school, nobody fucking worked. | ||
| Dudes would bench press and shit. | ||
| How many women lifted weights when we were in high school? | ||
| The cheerleaders were in good shape. | ||
| Yeah, for a little while. | ||
| Yeah, for a little while, and they got fat. | ||
| Nobody kept going. | ||
| Did Rocky really start the big movement? | ||
| Started my movement. | ||
| That's what I've read about it, but I don't know how true it is because I was way too young. | ||
| Dude, when Rocky came out, I think I was seven. | ||
| And I drank raw eggs and ran around the block. | ||
| And I told Sylvester Stallone that. | ||
| I don't doubt that one single bit. | ||
| I 100% did! | ||
| I was like, holy shit, I want to be a fighter. | ||
| I started drinking eggs and running. | ||
| I never ran. | ||
| I was seven years old. | ||
| The fuck am I doing running? | ||
| Maybe I was eight. | ||
| It had no such effect on me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, we're running! | |
| I'm fucking running! | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Maybe I was eight. | ||
| I don't even know how old I was. | ||
| But I remember it when it came out. | ||
| I've never been more inspired for something in my life. | ||
| That movie changed the world. | ||
| People don't even understand how good it was. | ||
| He lives on my street, by the way. | ||
| Does he really? | ||
| Yeah, he does. | ||
| I saw him one time driving his Range Rover with a big cockatiel on his shoulder. | ||
| And I'm like, well, that's kind of cool. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Running around, fucking weights in his hand and shit. | ||
| Running with Converse All-Stars. | ||
| One of the reasons why I wear them to this day. | ||
| They might not be All-Stars. | ||
| They might be Keds. | ||
| They might be like some cheap Walmart version. | ||
| Who knows, but this is some fucking epic shit in the 1970s. | ||
| What year was this movie? | ||
| Let's take a guess. | ||
| What year do you think it was? | ||
| I want to say it was like 79? | ||
| Yeah, 76. 76? | ||
| The Spirit of 76 was the rematch. | ||
| No, it was 76 because that was when Apollo Creed. | ||
| 76, yeah. | ||
| I had a middle act that was doing one-nighters across... | ||
| I believe it was Alabama. | ||
| And he drove the Bicentennial Vega, right? | ||
| So it was a Vega. | ||
| The 76th Vega had 76, you know, some things that would, you know, celebrate the sesquicentennial or whatever it was. | ||
| I was thinking probably 200 years, I guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| A long time. | ||
| I was nine years old when this movie came out, so that's exactly how old I was. | ||
| I gotta tell you, technique's not that good. | ||
| He needs to tighten up on his swing, like the way he's throwing punches. | ||
| So that would have been 76. He needed a coach. | ||
| He needed a coach. | ||
| Well, he got one in Carl Weathers. | ||
| This was in Rocky II. Right. | ||
| Rocky II, Carl Weathers became his... | ||
| Was it Rocky III? III. III, right? | ||
| Because that was when he fought Mr. T. That's right. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Hey, woman. | ||
| Hey, woman. | ||
| Since that man ain't got no heart, I bet you stay up every night wishing you had a real man. | ||
| Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real man. | ||
| He probably would, too. | ||
| Wow, I couldn't believe he was saying that to Rocky. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right, it was like if he was saying it to Wahoo McDaniels, you know? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Oh, I didn't even finish that story. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| So here's what happened. | ||
| My first encounter with the police. | ||
| I found out that the bad guys were coming out of one side, one dressing room, and the good guys were coming out of the other side. | ||
| So I went up to the stands and waited for the Super Inferno to come out, and when he came out, I spit on him. | ||
| I just spit on him with this big old... | ||
| I hated him. | ||
| Really, I did. | ||
| I've never hated anybody before. | ||
| How old are you this time? | ||
| Eight. | ||
| I just spit on him, and the cops saw me do it, and they came and got me, and they took me to my cousin. | ||
| And they're like, he spit on the Super Inferno. | ||
| He was like, oh, that's horrible. | ||
| If he does anything, you just keep... | ||
| But afterwards, my cousin thought it was hilarious. | ||
| Of course he did. | ||
| That's a story. | ||
| I was trying to put him out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Super Inferno. | ||
| Oh, I get it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| I don't think I've ever been to see a live professional wrestling match other than Eleanor Kerrigan from the Comedy Store. | ||
| Well, you know, Tony and those guys, they go to these things. | ||
| And they're like, you gotta go with us. | ||
| And I'm like, nah, you know, alright. | ||
| Tony was responsible for ten minutes of my last special. | ||
| Me shitting on him for Lord Pro Wrestling. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| It was. | ||
| I remember it. | ||
| I remember it. | ||
| He loves it. | ||
| Yeah, he does that show, the Four, what is it called? | ||
| Four Stormen, I believe. | ||
| Four Stormen. | ||
| They do a wrestling podcast from the Comedy Store with a bunch of other comics. | ||
| Who are the other guys? | ||
| Find out their names. | ||
| You'll find it out online. | ||
| But yeah, he loves that shit. | ||
| Loves it. | ||
| He's always like, dude, you gotta watch it with me, you'll love it. | ||
| I loved it when I was a kid. | ||
| It's the Store Horseman. | ||
| Oh, Store Horseman. | ||
| Oh, perfectly. | ||
| And who are the gentlemen that are involved in this venture with him? | ||
| Fun show. | ||
| I did it once. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe, Johnny Escortes, Matt Edgar, and Josh Martin. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Chris Burns. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| He's up on top. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Yeah, they do it from the basement. | ||
| You've been in that studio downstairs in the basement? | ||
| I did a podcast out of there. | ||
| Fucking great down there, man. | ||
| I love the fact that the comedy stores embrace podcasts. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| The comedy store embraces what's important always over any other place. | ||
| So you know what? | ||
| They embrace comedians. | ||
| And customers really come second to the comics there. | ||
| Because there's one parking lot. | ||
| People probably don't know this, but there's one parking lot. | ||
| Holds about 30 cars or something like that or 20 cars or whatever. | ||
| And guess who gets to park there? | ||
| The comedians that are playing that night. | ||
| They get to pull right up and park by the door. | ||
| And that is so cool to me. | ||
| And not only that, there's a bar that if your name is not written on that building, you can't go in it without somebody whose name is written on that building. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's so cool to have your name written on that building, and go to that bar that's just for you, and they have my number one tequila, and I can smoke cigars, and not everybody can smoke in there, but I get that one little extra deal. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| They'll let you do whatever you want in there. | ||
| So, yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's a place to smoke pot. | ||
| They built a glass piano for prior to snort cocaine off us because they understood. | ||
| Here's what they understood, Joe. | ||
| Here's what they understood. | ||
| They understood that comics are insane. | ||
| So come be insane here. | ||
| If you're crazy, we get it. | ||
| We don't care. | ||
| Come be crazy here. | ||
| And then at improv, you had Bud Friedman going, Language! | ||
| Language! | ||
| Watch your language! | ||
| He'd fucking say that. | ||
| I heard him say it. | ||
| And the first time I ever came to the comedy store, which was probably in 90 or 89... | ||
| I made a sojourn out here to see what happens. | ||
| So I don't know anything. | ||
| I don't know anything. | ||
| I don't have any friends. | ||
| I don't know anything. | ||
| I stayed in the cheapest hotel room on Sunset Boulevard, which was $50, which was outrageous back then. | ||
| And the first day I got into an elevator with this huge black transvestite that was all dressed up going to a show, going to one of those big Drag queen shows. | ||
| And I was like, okay. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| But I went to the comedy store first. | ||
| And it was a Monday night. | ||
| And they fucking put me on. | ||
| I told them I've been doing stand-up in Texas for a couple of years. | ||
| And they fucking put me on. | ||
| And I didn't do very well. | ||
| And... | ||
| Not necessarily. | ||
| Early in the set, same piano player. | ||
| Nothing changes. | ||
| But I would go to the improv, and Buddy would come over to me. | ||
| And he knew me, because he'd seen me do an open mic at the improv, or be the opening act in the improv in Dallas. | ||
| And he'd come up to me and go, Rod, could you do me a favor? | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, bud, why? | ||
| Could you stand over there because you're blocking the way through here for the... | ||
| I'm like, okay. | ||
| A little further. | ||
| A little further. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So they just wouldn't... | ||
| I was a new guy, you know, and all I needed was... | ||
| A break, whether I deserved it or not, they gave it to me. | ||
| It's a store. | ||
| The store has a heart that way. | ||
| The store, the art form is primary. | ||
| That's everything. | ||
| Yeah, it's everything. | ||
| It's everything. | ||
| It's built around that art form. | ||
| They didn't used to let the agents and the managers in. | ||
| You couldn't get a ticket. | ||
| You had to buy a ticket. | ||
| If you were a CAA agent, you wanted to come see this guy or that guy, Ron White, you had to buy a ticket. | ||
| That was the only place in town. | ||
| So the agents couldn't just come in and run the place like they did in a lot of places. | ||
| They would come, they would be in the back of the room talking. | ||
| I remember I went to a showcase once. | ||
| It was back when William Morris put on this showcase of the comedians they represented and they did it in a club. | ||
| Like a nightclub on Sunset. | ||
| And Nick DiPaolo was on stage. | ||
| And they asked me to perform. | ||
| I'm like, you're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| I'm like, there's no way I'm going to perform at this. | ||
| I know what this is. | ||
| I'm like, I'm not looking to get hired for anybody. | ||
| I'm already represented. | ||
| I go, I'm going to watch. | ||
| This is going to be a disaster. | ||
| So I go with my manager and I'm in the top level and everyone's talking. | ||
| All these fucking agents and agents assistants are drunk. | ||
| They're not even watching. | ||
| For no reason. | ||
| They're not even watching, Ron. | ||
| And so I'm watching these guys struggle on stage where John Henson goes up and then Nick DiPaolo goes up. | ||
| And Nick was the only one who said anything about it. | ||
| About everybody fucking talking at the top. | ||
| Like, these are my fucking agents? | ||
| This is unbelievable. | ||
| He was making fun of it. | ||
| The comedy store would never allow that. | ||
| They would kick everybody out of that room. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| And they still to this day don't tolerate that kind of shit. | ||
| They don't breed that kind of thing. | ||
| You can't have Hollywood and comedy. | ||
| And also, let me go on record as saying this, Joe. | ||
| I'm not saying I don't like the other rooms. | ||
| And I'm not saying I'm not glad they're there. | ||
| And I'm not saying I don't need them as bad as I need the store. | ||
| They're good, solid comedy rooms. | ||
| And I think they're trying to make the adjustments. | ||
| Because somebody asked me the other day at one of the other clubs... | ||
| Why do the comics hang out at the comic store? | ||
| I'm like, oh yeah, let me tell you. | ||
| Well, number one, you don't sell my tequila. | ||
| And they do. | ||
| But also, when I come to your place, I got a valet park and pay for it. | ||
| You pay me $25 to do a set. | ||
| They pay me $35. | ||
| Now, both of these numbers are low. | ||
| But to some comics, they'd rather have that other ten. | ||
| They notice the ten bucks. | ||
| The guys who need the money for sure notice it. | ||
| In a lot of cases, you have to choose between those two clubs. | ||
| Is it still that way? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I mean, I know it was. | ||
| No, the store and the improv in particular get along really well. | ||
| We get along really well now. | ||
| And Paige, who does all the booking for the improv, is always at the store. | ||
| And she's good friends with Adam. | ||
| So we're all piling around together. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| That's why I offered you a spot on the show that I'm doing tonight at the improv, if you wanted to do it. | ||
| Because I'm there all the time. | ||
| You're doing a show tonight? | ||
| Yeah, I'm doing a show at 8 o'clock tonight at the improv. | ||
| You got another one Thursday night at the improv? | ||
| Anytime. | ||
| I'll do the one tonight. | ||
| Full of an Aron White. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| How drunk am I now? | ||
| And what time is it? | ||
| The perfect time. | ||
| It's 5 o'clock. | ||
| By the time 8 o'clock rolls around, you'll be simmering. | ||
| You'll be like braised beef. | ||
| I'm going to need Adderall. | ||
| You'll be falling off the bone. | ||
| Are you putting it into your schedule? | ||
| It's three hours from now. | ||
| Oh, Jay McGraw, your boyfriend. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| I had his daddy on the show. | ||
| I know, he's calling me now. | ||
| His daddy was dropping science. | ||
| His daddy. | ||
| His dad's a fucking genius. | ||
| Dr. Phil? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Like, people who don't know Dr. Phil, he's a fucking great guy. | ||
| You know, he sent me a text the other day, and he goes, I've got this idea. | ||
| You're going to think it's crazy. | ||
| And so we meet at the Beverly Hills Hotel, and I play a lot of golf with Doc, and I know him well, and I have for 10 years, or whatever. | ||
| Who's Doc? | ||
| Dr. Phil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| You remember who we're talking about? | ||
| Yeah, but he said Doc. | ||
| I never called him Doc. | ||
| I call him Phil. | ||
| Oh, I call him Doc. | ||
| Jay's dad. | ||
| I'm Jay's dad. | ||
| Jay come out and play. | ||
| That's what I say. | ||
| So he goes, all right, here's what we should do. | ||
| We should do a two-man show. | ||
| And I know he's out of production, and I know he's bored. | ||
| And he's also hurt. | ||
| So he's had that motorcycle wreck. | ||
| He's got new shoulder surgery. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So he's like, he really can't play golf, and I know he's just bored. | ||
| So he really... | ||
| And I would do anything Dr. Phil wanted to do. | ||
| Because I love spending time with him. | ||
| And anything he does is a big success anyway. | ||
| So I would do it. | ||
| But he really... | ||
| Here was his idea. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's a two-man show on Broadway. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And then he goes... | ||
| And then, you know, I'm not sure how it starts. | ||
| And I'm like, okay, it would probably start where the curtain opens and you and I are standing there because it's a two-man show on Broadway. | ||
| That's probably how it starts. | ||
| And he goes, and then we could do a Q&A. And I'm like, no, we'd have to do something before the Q&A, Doc. | ||
| Because we've done that before and it's hilarious. | ||
| As close as we are, I mean, where we're born and our circumstances in life, And he's completely undimensionally fucking beyond me as far as any kind of success that anybody's ever had. | ||
| But we both came from nothing in the same part of the world. | ||
| And so we have this connection that people have a hard time understanding. | ||
| You know, I can't believe you and Dr. Phil are literally, we tell people we love each other. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| And that's, I mean, and to give you a good example of that, he took me diving. | ||
| We flew in his Gulf Stream to the Cayman Islands, and I didn't even have a certificate or anything. | ||
| But I'd had one, and it was just expired. | ||
| And so we went on this dive. | ||
| And he watched me like I was four years old the whole time we were underwater. | ||
| And if I got close to something I shouldn't touch, you know, he's like... | ||
| So I know he loves me, right? | ||
| I know he loves me. | ||
| And so... | ||
| But he really didn't have an idea, but I just knew that he was bored and he wanted to have lunch and talk about something. | ||
| I'm like, let's talk about it. | ||
| Because I would do anything. | ||
| I would love to figure out something to do with him that makes sense because we come off really fun together in a... | ||
| In a juxtaposition situation, right? | ||
| And our views, even though we come from a similar background, how different the views are in some ways and how similar they are in some ways. | ||
| So it's fun stuff. | ||
| We should do your podcast together. | ||
| I would love it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he just did it. | |
| He just did it like two weeks ago, right? | ||
| Yeah, I knew that. | ||
| I knew that. | ||
| I knew that he told me. | ||
| No, he's exceptional. | ||
| Love that guy. | ||
| He's a fucking easy-going guy, too. | ||
| Really easy to be around. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, comfortable in his own skin. | ||
| You know, there's a reason why he's so successful. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's not like anybody could do that. | ||
| Like, look at that Dr. Oz guy. | ||
| That Dr. Oz guy. | ||
| I watch him and I was like, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know, Doc. | ||
| Well, you know, he does three unscripted hours a day. | ||
| A day. | ||
| All day. | ||
| And he does a podcast now. | ||
| And I did his podcast. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Because also during that lunch, he said, I also have a podcast and I'm going to start it up. | ||
| I'm going to do a few people before I do you. | ||
| Just get used to it. | ||
| And then I'll have you come on. | ||
| I'm like, well, for sure I'll do that. | ||
| How funny is that? | ||
| He thinks he needs to get used to it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, he does unscripted television with a camera in his face all day long. | ||
| Well, it turns out he didn't need to get used to it. | ||
| He was great at it from the very beginning. | ||
| Of course he was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the same exact skill. | ||
| He talks to people. | ||
| He knows how to talk to people. | ||
| He knows how to listen. | ||
| He does. | ||
| Yeah, that's like what is missing in a lot of people when it comes to doing this. | ||
| I was playing golf one time when I was going through a divorce. | ||
| And people ask me... | ||
| Does he give unsolicited advice? | ||
| And I'm like, he doesn't give solicited advice. | ||
| Even if you ask. | ||
| So I'm playing golf with him and I'm like, Doc, this divorce is killing me. | ||
| It's just killing me. | ||
| And he goes, keep your head still when you putt. | ||
| That's what he said. | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| He goes, keep your head still when you putt. | ||
| You're in a better mood when you putt well, but you're moving your head all over the place. | ||
| So why don't we start with keep your head still when you putt, which now is a metaphor for a lot of things to me. | ||
| It is keep your head still when you putt. | ||
| You know, do what you do well. | ||
| You know, it's what makes you feel better or whatever, you know. | ||
| But in that particular case, that is. | ||
| Those were really simple words, and I know they were right off the cuff, and I've thought about them all the time since. | ||
| Keep your head still when you putt. | ||
| That's solid advice. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Be more centered. | ||
| Be in the zone. | ||
| If you're playing pool, keep your head down when you shoot. | ||
| Right, keep your head down when you shoot. | ||
| Don't jump up on the shot. | ||
| Follow through. | ||
| But you wouldn't exactly call it advice, but it was. | ||
| It was something I listened to and continue to think about to this fucking day. | ||
| It is advice. | ||
| Because if you're really good at golf in that respect, if you know how to not move your head, that's a discipline where you can apply that to the rest of your life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you're loose and you're not thinking and you're fucked up and you're not using good technique, your head's going to be all over the place. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Same thing with pool. | ||
| Stay down in your shop. | ||
| Archery. | ||
| Keep your head still. | ||
| Follow through. | ||
| Correct follow through. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| The more you try to control it, be all herky-jerky and shit. | ||
| Archery is one of the most zen things I've ever done in my life, surprisingly. | ||
| Surprisingly zen. | ||
| You know, Foxworthy, when he built his big house in Georgia... | ||
| He had a deer set up, deer target set up that he could walk out on the balcony of his office and get a bow in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I have them in my yard. | ||
| I have them all over the place. | ||
| We had a deer problem in our neighborhood and I said, you know what you ought to do? | ||
| Just shut the gates and turn Foxworthy loose in here with a pillow. | ||
| And he would kill everything in here. | ||
| He's a natural born killer, he is. | ||
| You gotta be real careful with people shooting arrows in neighborhoods. | ||
| They do that in certain places. | ||
| They have these residential deer hunting permits where they allow bow hunters to come in and shoot deer in suburban communities. | ||
| Because they just have such an overpopulation that too many people are hitting them with their cars. | ||
| I think there was one place in Pennsylvania. | ||
| In Texas, you can feed them Doritos out of your hand. | ||
| They'll just spread around you and go, yeah, here's a bag of Doritos. | ||
| Especially those high-fence places, right, where they have feeders set up for them. | ||
| There's a place in Pennsylvania. | ||
| Look up. | ||
| This is true. | ||
| There's a neighborhood where you can hunt deer there 365 days a year. | ||
| Remind me to tell you the pig story. | ||
| A pig story? | ||
| Tell me now. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| No, I'm done. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Jamie will Google the Pennsylvania place where you can hunt deer 365 days a year. | ||
| All right. | ||
| So let me figure out a way to tell this story. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You know, Jay, our buddy Jay McGraw, Is a TV producer, right? | ||
| So they produce The Doctors and The Dr. Phil Show and The Bull on CBS, but they also have another 10 or 12 shows on any level of cable, and if they can sell it, they'll make it. | ||
| It's a TV production company. | ||
| So the guy that made the movie, and I always screw up his name, so I'm going to have you look it up, that did the movie about the The kid, it took 16 years to make, Linklider, am I saying it right, from Texas? | ||
| I don't know that movie. | ||
| What was that movie? | ||
| They followed him from the time he was a kid? | ||
| Yeah, but the movie took 16 years to make. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, I heard it. | |
| It was called About a Boyhood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boyhood? | |
| About a Boyhood. | ||
| Boyhood, yeah. | ||
| And the director was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jamie's got a lot of tabs open. | |
| I think Linklider. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So... | ||
| He bought two... | ||
| I just want to get the story right. | ||
| Got it. | ||
| He bought two miniature pot-bellied pigs that turned out to be not miniature pot-bellied pigs. | ||
| Whitney Cummings says that's not real at all. | ||
| Those miniature pigs are just starved little pigs. | ||
| Okay, let me finish. | ||
| Let me finish. | ||
| All right. | ||
| So he needs to find something to do with these pigs. | ||
| And it turns out in Bastrop, Texas, where he lives. | ||
| Now, this is a very famous, artistic, probably one of the best directors alive. | ||
| And he's from Texas. | ||
| He did the first movie with Matthew McConaughey about living in Austin. | ||
| And I... | ||
| You just get me so wasted on this show. | ||
| I can't ever remember anything. | ||
| Matthew McConaughey with AIDS, right? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| No, this was the first thing Matthew McConaughey really discovered McConaughey when he was going to University of Texas and did the movie. | ||
| What? | ||
| I've got to start bringing a friend with me. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which one? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| The one you just talked about? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Boyhood? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, Matthew McConaughey. | ||
| The one with his first movie. | ||
| The Matthew McConaughey and that director first movie Matthew McConaughey ever did, I think, was... | ||
| Was Dazed and Confused? | ||
| Dazed and Confused. | ||
| Ah, old school. | ||
| All right, all right, all right. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Just talking about the deer. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Was the deer thing true? | ||
| Yes, I found a neighborhood where it's true, but I'll wait. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And I'm going to insert a story, alright? | ||
| So this is my Matthew McConaughey story. | ||
| When I was moving to Austin, I have friends there that are, you know, I like Austin. | ||
| I got friends. | ||
| But I always thought, you know, I'll end up being friends with Matthew McConaughey. | ||
| And we know a lot of the same people, you know, and we both smoke pot. | ||
| We're both from Texas. | ||
| We're both, you know, and that's what'll happen. | ||
| And I love him, and I really like working with him. | ||
| And I was like, that's who I'll be friends with. | ||
| It'll be great. | ||
| It'll be a great part of my thing in Austin. | ||
| So I meet Matthew McConaughey at a charity event. | ||
| But in this scenario, I have imagined him saying, you're Ron White? | ||
| You're my favorite comedian ever. | ||
| I got a hot tub going off in my backyard with a couple of girls, and I got these great fucking joints, and we'll go over there and smoke pot and drink tequila and vaping with these girls. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But what happened was he went, oh, nice to meet you, and then he went on to meet the next person. | ||
| And it was a long pause there where I should have said, I love your work, but I didn't because I already had it planned out that he was supposed to say how much he loved me. | ||
| And so I just left a long pause there, and then when it was all over with, I should have told him I loved him. | ||
| I should have told him. | ||
| I should have told him I loved him, but I didn't. | ||
| That's the problem with planning. | ||
| So anyway, back to the big story. | ||
| So... | ||
| This guy finds the pig rescue and decides he wants to do a documentary about it. | ||
| Well, he calls Jay McGraw's right-hand girl, right-hand woman, brilliant girl that runs things for Jay. | ||
| And I can't remember her name because I'm an idiot and I've met her two times. | ||
| And says, I'd like to do a documentary on this thing. | ||
| So she tells Jay, and he goes, Linklater? | ||
| All right. | ||
| Yeah, so he calls CBS, and I don't even know I should be telling this story. | ||
| And they say, fuck yeah, we'll do anything he wants to do. | ||
| It's got his name on it, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's got a movie coming out with Cate Blanchett that's supposed to win everything there is. | ||
| And he's an amazing guy. | ||
| Just an artist. | ||
| Doesn't care a thing about anything but art. | ||
| Doesn't matter if it takes 16 years to make. | ||
| This guy's amazing. | ||
| So Jay has this idea of us doing Judge Roy Bean. | ||
| With me is Judge Roy Bean, but doing a comedy. | ||
| We're not even zeroed in on what, but we like me doing that character of preacher, hangman, bartender, right? | ||
| And I would like to play the role, and I wouldn't mind finding a TV show to settle into at my age, you know, for a while, you know, if I could do it. | ||
| But it's got to be the right thing with the right people, or I won't do it. | ||
| And so CBS says, yeah, we'll do it. | ||
| You know, fuck yeah, we'll do it. | ||
| And so they're going to have a meeting. | ||
| And so Jay calls me and he goes, well, why don't we talk to him about this Judge Roy Bean thing? | ||
| So, I live in Austin, right? | ||
| So I'm right 27 miles from Bastrop, and so I go out there for the meeting, and it's in this little restaurant on a river, and they talk about that for a little while, and then we talk a little bit about Judge Roy Bean, and then it's time to go to the pig rescue. | ||
| Well, I don't have to go to the pig rescue, but now I really want him to direct this film, because I know if he does, it'll be made of film. | ||
| It'll be a big thing if he doesn't. | ||
| So I go, 250 pigs. | ||
| Well kept and well fed. | ||
| Fenced in and pinned. | ||
| They actually, there's a feral pig problem in that part of Texas. | ||
| And they have these cameras that are predator cameras. | ||
| And they have footage of these huge feral pigs walking up to this fence looking at these pigs going, how'd y'all get in here? | ||
| Really? | ||
| You lay in the mud and they bring you food? | ||
| How do you go? | ||
| We don't even know. | ||
| We don't know how we got in here. | ||
| We're just in here. | ||
| And they're anywhere from, they had some rescues that were little bitty to 750 pound pigs. | ||
| All of them sold the same premise that these are miniature pigs. | ||
| 750 pound pigs. | ||
| 750 pound. | ||
| Who are these people that are selling miniature pigs? | ||
| Are they still doing that? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Alex Ramundo bought three of them. | ||
| You think I'm kidding? | ||
| He bought three of them and turned them loose in the wild. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| Yeah, because they turned into pigs. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Well, he lived up in the whatever, the high mountains. | ||
| He's part of the problem. | ||
| Right, part of the problem. | ||
| He's part of the problem. | ||
| Okay, here you go. | ||
| So, we go. | ||
| I'm walking around. | ||
| It's all... | ||
| It's all... | ||
| It's well done. | ||
| And this guy seems really reasonable, right? | ||
| And he's also an executive for a construction company, a big construction company. | ||
| And this is his passion and his... | ||
| All right, this is the part I can't tell. | ||
| So... | ||
| We... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just can't say this part of it. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| Pigs. | ||
| So... | ||
| And I end up liking the pigs, you know? | ||
| They're nice if you scratch them. | ||
| They have arthritis, the big ones they can hardly get around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's basically, it's a, who's gonna save these pigs? | |
| Kind of an operation. | ||
| And I'm like, well, the... | ||
| You know, the carnita guy would, you know, probably pitch in, you know, if you wanted to retire, you know. | ||
| Because I asked the guy, I said, what's the, where do they go from here? | ||
| And he goes, well, that's it. | ||
| So either someone adopts them or they get turned to bacon. | ||
| No, that's it. | ||
| They live there until they die, is the way I understand it. | ||
| Pigs are weird because they're almost like dogs. | ||
| Here, I left this part out. | ||
| So, we're in the house talking about the show. | ||
| And I've had enough of it, and I've got a joint in my pocket. | ||
| And I really want to smoke some pot and hang with the pigs because it seems like that would be really fucking fun, you know, just to... | ||
| Scratch on the pigs, all stoned and shit. | ||
| That's how mature I am. | ||
| And so this pig comes out of the back squealing and they go, that's Whitney Cummings' pig. | ||
| She rescued a pig during the Malibu fires. | ||
| She documented it very heavily on her Instagram. | ||
| Yeah, I'll show it to you. | ||
| I've seen her pig. | ||
| I saw it in person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In person? | |
| That's Whitney Cummings' pig. | ||
| So then like a couple nights later, I'm up at the store and Whitney Cummings is there and I go, oh, wait till you see this. | ||
| She drove that fucking pig to Texas. | ||
| Pig all the way across. | ||
| Took her like two days of driving. | ||
| She's insane. | ||
| Drove a pig in a car for two days to a pig sanctuary. | ||
| That is ridiculous. | ||
| It's hilarious, dude. | ||
| That's Whitney Cummings Pig. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I want to hear more of the story, but I got to piss so bad I'm going to pee my pants. | ||
| Two podcasts in a row. | ||
| Talk to this guy. | ||
| I'll be right back. | ||
| We can't just cut the thing off for a while? | ||
| We could just cut it off totally. | ||
| You want to end it? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I don't want to end it because it's 530. Yeah, we'll wait. | ||
| I got nothing to do. | ||
| I got nowhere to be. | ||
| I got to piss so bad. | ||
| You were on Kill Tony last night. | ||
| You're telling me you had a good time there? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was just a gas. | ||
| I had dinner with friends that night in Malibu and then came out and did that set. | ||
| It's just a great idea for a show, the Kill Tony show. | ||
| If you have a chance to download that podcast, it's a hoot. | ||
| It's so much fun to do. | ||
| It's a live audience down at the Comedy Store. | ||
| It's a great premise, and I won't bore you with all the details, but you can just tune in. | ||
| If you check the video, it probably is up on YouTube. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's a big... | ||
| It's not Joe's show, but it's a big... | ||
| The band dressed up as the blue-collar... | ||
| Huh? | ||
| The band dressed up as the blue-collar comedy guys. | ||
| Oh, they were... | ||
| Oh, it was so funny. | ||
| Jeremiah doing Foxworthy was... | ||
| It really... | ||
| Jeremiah just makes me laugh so hard. | ||
| Everything he does just kills me. | ||
| And he'll be, you know... | ||
| Hopefully in my old age he'll be giving me mercy work because I tell him how good he is. | ||
| He has his own podcast too, Jeremiah Wonders, where he does some voices and whatnot. | ||
| Does he have guests? | ||
| Yeah, he does have guests. | ||
| You should talk to him about it. | ||
| I didn't know that you weren't on it. | ||
| I didn't want to say it that way. | ||
| No, I haven't been on it. | ||
| The... | ||
| I always wonder why Bill Burr didn't have me on his show, and it turns out he didn't have anybody on his show. | ||
| Yeah, he does them all by himself. | ||
| Some people, a lot of comedians, Chris D'Elia does it all by himself, too. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| He's had, like, one guest on. | ||
| I think it was just his brother for a special, but he's done 130 or so all by himself. | ||
| You could do one probably all by yourself, too. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I couldn't. | ||
| I prefer not to. | ||
| I've got to save up thoughts for eight months to do the Rogan show. | ||
| So I'm loyal to this show. | ||
| Do you know who that is? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Do you know who that is? | ||
| No. | ||
| Mitzi Shore. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Our friend Taylor, Taylor Boss, he painted that for me. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| How badass is that? | ||
| That's an old picture of Mitzi when she was like 30 something years old. | ||
| She was cute, cute when she was young. | ||
| Oh yeah, she was very hot. | ||
| She was one of the most important figures in the history of comedy. | ||
| One of the most important figures in my life, for sure. | ||
| That lady mentored me. | ||
| All of us. | ||
| I mean, all of us, because that's the only reason the store exists. | ||
| She let the inmates run the asylum. | ||
| Right. | ||
| She's the only person that let the inmates run the mental hospital. | ||
| That's the actual original picture of her. | ||
| How great is that? | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| She's like Betty White. | ||
| You ever see those titty pictures of Betty White when she was like 21 years old? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But Mitzi was so crazy and wild. | ||
| It's alright that she's got her nipples in that picture. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Our friend Rose, who's Taylor's girlfriend, put a post on her when she died. | ||
| I couldn't repost it. | ||
| Like for any other woman I might be able to repost it, but she said like, Forget what she called her something about something she called her like the greatest boss bitch in history Like I can't I can't say that I like it, but I can't repost that right, you know just Didn't you just say it? | ||
| Yeah, but I mean I can't say I can't put it on my Instagram, you know, I'm just repeating what she said, okay, but it was just to me. | ||
| It was a Hilarious and accurate a woman can say shit like that About a lady like her and it doesn't look bad. | ||
| A man calls her a boss bitch. | ||
| Like, hey, have some respect, man. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's fucking Mitzi Shore. | ||
| But yeah, so Taylor painted for me and hangs over the studio, watches over us. | ||
| You know, I genuinely don't think I ever met her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No? | |
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I had some great conversations with her. | |
| When I came in that first time, I was just in and out, and I had no idea what was going on. | ||
| And then I really didn't come back. | ||
| I did a show in Newport Beach at the Laugh Stop out there and just got this horrifically horrible review. | ||
| Did I tell this story last time I was on? | ||
| It was so bad. | ||
| How bad? | ||
| Oh, Joe. | ||
| There was a picture of me. | ||
| I'd only been doing stand-up for three and a half years, and so... | ||
| And the guy that booked that room watched me do like an eight-minute set in Austin, and I had a killer eight minutes, but he hires me to do 45 minutes. | ||
| And so I go out there, and I'm nervous anyway, right? | ||
| Because that's a big club. | ||
| And the two guys before me were Seinfeld and Slayton. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| And then Ron White's three-and-a-half-year-old booger-eating moron thing. | ||
| And at this point, I don't realize how bad I am because I haven't read it yet. | ||
| And so... | ||
| Before, I'm nervous, and I go, that's Duncan Strauss, and he writes the comedy reviews for the Orange County edition of the LA Times, which is about 6 million people. | ||
| And I'm like, oh! | ||
| I should have... | ||
| Well, I wish he'd have given me a day or two to settle in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So... | |
| I do the set, and it's not great, but it's not bad. | ||
| I think I pulled it off. | ||
| They laughed at it. | ||
| They laughed at what I had put together and whatever it was. | ||
| And I expect him to be there to congratulate me on how good the set was and shake my hand and do a little interview to build this great interview. | ||
| But he wasn't there. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, okay. | ||
| Well, the next night, there's like a little open mic night before me. | ||
| And one of the guys I know, Steve Epps from Texas, is on that. | ||
| And then that night, I fucking kill. | ||
| And I'm really drunk. | ||
| And I'm giving advice to other comedians. | ||
| Because my ego is just flair. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm probably going to leave my wife and go find that girl and let the Cotty beer poster. | ||
| And it's amazing. | ||
| And people are patting me on the back going, man, you are really, really good. | ||
| Boy, this is amazing. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, yeah, I am. | ||
| So I'm staying at the Marriott Suites Hotel on the Bay, which is the nicest hotel I've ever stayed in. | ||
| And you had to pay for part of it yourself, but that was all I had. | ||
| I mean, I never made that much money before. | ||
| It was like $1,400 or $1,500 for a week. | ||
| And so it's unbelievably beautiful with a gorgeous view. | ||
| Phone, bathroom, you know, two bathrooms, big marble, everything, big, nice stuff. | ||
| And they go back after that. | ||
| Well, now the review comes out the next morning. | ||
| And I've got this massive hangover. | ||
| I'm just sick, drunk, waking up, going, oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| And I blink my eyes and start going, oh, the review, the glorious review is out. | ||
| The review that's going to be touting my praises to the masses all over this area of Southern California. | ||
| Probably the beginning to my hugeness. | ||
| And probably what's going to happen. | ||
| So it turned out I had bought a bag of popcorn when I was drunk. | ||
| And I followed that bag, that popcorn trail from my bed out the door, down the hall, into the elevator. | ||
| The elevator I got on had popcorn on it, so it was the same one I came up in. | ||
| I was just drunk, staggering around with a popcorn bag. | ||
| And I followed that. | ||
| Now, this place is just right down the block from the club. | ||
| And when I go to a – when I'm playing at a club, I hang out at the club a lot, you know, because those are the people I know anyway. | ||
| Those have been my friends forever, and they're still my friends. | ||
| You know, I love – so these are the people that work there. | ||
| So I walk in the door, and one of the girls that worked there looked at me, and she goes, don't read it. | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| They go, don't read it, Ron. | ||
| It's not true. | ||
| It isn't true. | ||
| And it's a hatchet job. | ||
| I'm like, it's a what? | ||
| A hatchet job? | ||
| So I'm like, no, give it to me. | ||
| I can read it. | ||
| You know, how bad could it be? | ||
| So There's a big picture of me. | ||
| This big. | ||
| Six million people. | ||
| This big. | ||
| The article was this big. | ||
| It was a quarter of a page. | ||
| And it said in big black print, even when white's not blue, he's not funny. | ||
| And I dropped the newspaper on the floor. | ||
| I couldn't hold up a one-ounce newspaper because the life had been sucked out of me. | ||
| And I also agreed with them. | ||
| And felt like I had just been found out as a phony. | ||
| And I was a phony. | ||
| And I didn't belong here at all. | ||
| And I picked it up and read it. | ||
| And it said, Watching White's 41-minute show. | ||
| So they were nice enough to point out. | ||
| I just had to scrape and crawl to get to 41, much less the 45 I had agreed to. | ||
| They pointed that out. | ||
| It was like watching a polar bear lumber around on stage. | ||
| And something comical or interesting happening only occasionally. | ||
| Now, here's why I can quote that all these 29 years later. | ||
| I went across the street to the liquor store and bought a bottle of tequila and a pack of razor blades. | ||
| True story. | ||
| I go back up to my Marriott Suites on the Bay and sit there at this big desk, and I'm just drinking this tequila, reading it over and over and over and over. | ||
| And I got a big bag of weed, and I'm smoking pot, and I've convinced myself that they're going to cancel the show because who would come to a show, right, with a review like that? | ||
| And then I'm thinking, well, they probably have to pay me for the shows I did, even though I wasn't able to finish the week, right? | ||
| So I just assume I'm fired. | ||
| I genuinely believe that in my heart that I'm fired. | ||
| And so I wake up from this stupor and I got a drool stain on this fucking article and half a joint and a bottle of tea. | ||
| I mean, it's dismal shit, right? | ||
| It's dark, dark time. | ||
| And I walked down there. | ||
| Fuck, the show sold out. | ||
| Both of them are. | ||
| It's comedy in fucking 1990, 89 or 90, whatever it was. | ||
| And all the clubs were sold out. | ||
| Nobody gave a fuck about that fucking review. | ||
| And they didn't give a shit. | ||
| And then I went on stage because I was still a wreck, though. | ||
| I'm drunk. | ||
| I just woke up. | ||
| I'm not very good anyway. | ||
| I have no confidence whatsoever. | ||
| I totally agree that I suck and I'm not worth a goddamn thing. | ||
| And I go up there and have the worst set I've ever had on a sold-out house. | ||
| And it was just sucked. | ||
| I just sucked. | ||
| It was horrible. | ||
| And then the guy that booked me calls the club. | ||
| Because he read the fucking article. | ||
| And he goes, that's got to be a gut punch. | ||
| I mean, there was other shit in it too. | ||
| And none of it was good. | ||
| And so then they get me on the phone with him. | ||
| Because they asked them, they said, we just want to see if he's okay. | ||
| And they're like, oh no, he's not okay. | ||
| He's not okay at all. | ||
| I'm like, I really... | ||
| Now I'm calling my wife going, I just want to talk to you because I love you so much. | ||
| I'm not even thinking about the Ducati beer poster anymore. | ||
| I'm just calling her. | ||
| I just love you. | ||
| I want to be together forever. | ||
| And she's like kind of standoffish. | ||
| Like she could tell I had a bad review. | ||
| So... | ||
| That kind of scared me away from L.A. for a while, and I realized then that they were right, and I should have been slapped in the face, and I wasn't good enough to be on that stage. | ||
| I was not. | ||
| And that guy actually apologized to me one time, because I saw him later in live, and I'm like, no, dude, you were totally right. | ||
| You were completely right. | ||
| I should have been slapped in the fucking face. | ||
| Three years in, you're just getting your legs. | ||
| Yeah, I had no business there. | ||
| And so, you know, it all worked out the best way it possibly could have, but that also included a couple slaps in the fucking face going... | ||
| I think those are important. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I think in the moment, those feel bad. | ||
| But every big leap I've made as a comic is after I bombed. | ||
| Every big leap. | ||
| For real. | ||
| Someone telling me they had a bad time at my show, I just felt like you were off. | ||
| I'm like, fuck. | ||
| That feeling makes me so hungry to figure out how to do it right. | ||
| That's where it comes from. | ||
| You realize there's an urgency to this thing. | ||
| And then over the years, part of the fear of bombing is what makes me work so hard on new shit. | ||
| Part of the fear is what makes me do so many sets. | ||
| I'll do two podcasts a night and then I'll do four shows. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'll go to the store. | ||
| I'll do two at the store. | ||
| I'll do one or two at the improv. | ||
| I might even go to the Ice House or the Ha Ha. | ||
| I'll fuck around all over the place. | ||
| These are all the reasons I'm not as good as Joe Rogan right here. | ||
| I get scared, Ron White. | ||
| I get scared. | ||
| I do, too. | ||
| Well, I can't tell you. | ||
| At 62, I do all those sets, but I do go out and do sets. | ||
| You do a lot of sets. | ||
| And a lot of guys that are kind of in my age group really don't come out and do sets that much. | ||
| But I come out and do sets, and I hang out. | ||
| You're ageless, dude. | ||
| We don't think of you. | ||
| You know, you said that one time in the back room. | ||
| You're like, I'm older than you guys. | ||
| And we're like, we don't give a fuck. | ||
| That doesn't mean anything. | ||
| This thing is about comedy. | ||
| It doesn't matter if you're lesbian, if you're trans, if you're from Philadelphia or the Philippines. | ||
| No one gives a fuck. | ||
| Are you funny? | ||
| And if you're funny, that's all we care about. | ||
| We don't care if you're 90 or 19. I mean, I'm real good friends with Ally Mack. | ||
| I'm not fucking 90. Ally Makovsky is, what is she, 22 or some shit? | ||
| She might be 22. She's one of my best friends. | ||
| I love that girl. | ||
| She's goddamn hilarious. | ||
| She's a kid. | ||
| We talk all the time. | ||
| We talk about comedy. | ||
| She hosts my sets at the Improv all the time. | ||
| Nobody cares. | ||
| Nobody cares about your age. | ||
| They care about comedy. | ||
| Dom Herrera is the same way. | ||
| You know, nobody thinks that Dom Herrera is, oh, Dom Herrera is older than us. | ||
| No, it's Dom Herrera is a goddamn comic. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| This is a very, very unusual group of humans. | ||
| You really think about the people that we know. | ||
| You know, if you looked at the entire population of the planet, there's eight billion people or seven and a half. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Seven and a half? | ||
| Some crazy shit. | ||
| How many of those are comics? | ||
| Is it a thousand? | ||
| A couple thousand. | ||
| The real ones? | ||
| How many of them are headlined? | ||
| How many of them can do a solid hour? | ||
| How many of them have filmed a special? | ||
| How many of them have two, three specials? | ||
| Jesus Christ, Ron White, you and I are in weird waters. | ||
| There's only like 20 of us. | ||
| Maybe 20, you're right. | ||
| Maybe 20 of us. | ||
| Yeah, if that. | ||
| Yeah, we don't give a fuck how old you are, dude. | ||
| You better stick around. | ||
| I'm fine, dude. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
| I am drunk in the middle of the afternoon. | ||
| I don't give a fuck, dude. | ||
| Now I've got work to do, thanks to you. | ||
| I had a friend of mine, my daughter had that event in Vegas, and I went down to see you. | ||
| They're like, you going to see a comic? | ||
| I go, dude, I'm going to see Ron White. | ||
| Of course I'm going to go watch him. | ||
| I go, I have the chance. | ||
| What am I going to do, sit with my wife and watch fucking To Catch a Predator or some shit? | ||
| Whatever they're watching television or something like that. | ||
| I'm going to go downstairs and watch Ron White. | ||
| I'm at the Mirage. | ||
| I still love it. | ||
| Still watching it. | ||
| Still love it. | ||
| It's such a hotbed. | ||
| I get into it with the guys at the cellar in New York. | ||
| They're all like, this is the most significant comedy club in America. | ||
| I'm like, it's the most significant 100-seater. | ||
| Yeah, the idea that that place is more significant than the store is hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's so silly. | ||
| And it's so fun, and I love doing it. | ||
| It's great, but don't get silly. | ||
| Right, yeah, don't be ridiculous. | ||
| Don't get silly. | ||
| You're second place by a fucking large margin. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| Dave Chappelle's up at the fucking store all the time. | ||
| Chris Rock comes by. | ||
| Louis C.K. I'm sure he'll be back. | ||
| All right. | ||
| It's a fucking crazy place, man. | ||
| You're there. | ||
| Delia's there. | ||
| Brian Cowen's there. | ||
| Joey Diaz is there. | ||
| It's chaos there. | ||
| I counted one night, and there were... | ||
| I think it was eight people in the show that make at least $50,000 every time they open their mouth in a theater in one fucking show for $14. | ||
| Come to the fucking store and watch a show, you know? | ||
| And if you come, like, on a... | ||
| A weekend, it's not quite as strong because a lot of the guys are out, the gang girls are out doing sets somewhere, but Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday, there's nothing like it because we all have to do what we're doing, and we're lucky to be able to do it where we do it. | ||
| Dude, one night the lineup was Tom Segura, Bill Burr, Bert Kreischer, Ali Wong, me, Joey Diaz, Chris D'Elia, Tom Papa, Ian. | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| It's crazy all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was crazy. | |
| By the time you got to the end of the lineup, you're like the Home Alone kid. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| Look at this lineup. | ||
| This lineup's insane. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| It is. | ||
| And it's also what makes it so fucking fun for me and why it's, you know, I live in Beverly Hills and I live two miles away and that's what gets me off the couch to go live my life and blow the horn. | ||
| It's a battery. | ||
| That plays the battery. | ||
| We're doing a lot of shows of the improv though. | ||
| I'm doing two this week. | ||
| I did two last week. | ||
| I'm doing them all the time. | ||
| I talk to them about it. | ||
| I'm like, how about I just bring some of my friends over? | ||
| Because we could all do a show. | ||
| Like Santino will do a set at the improv and then he'll shoot over to the store and do his set. | ||
| I'll do an 8 o'clock show. | ||
| Store doesn't open until later. | ||
| On weeknights, it's easy. | ||
| So we've been doing a lot of shows down there too. | ||
| The improv's a great club, man. | ||
| The lineups were weird. | ||
| The way it was set up was weird. | ||
| There was a lot of weird shit going on. | ||
| If you could just get the top-notch people, and I was talking to them, I'm like, look, we're right over there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We could walk here. | ||
| It's a mile away. | ||
| I mean, it's a mile away from the store to the improv. | ||
| I love the improv, but if you want to smoke a joint at the improv, you have to actually stand on Melrose in traffic and smoke your weed. | ||
| And that ain't cool. | ||
| And they're trying to change that. | ||
| I believe they're going to change that. | ||
| I believe they're looking at that. | ||
| They're building that area on top where there's going to be a little balcony out on the roof of the part of it. | ||
| And I hope they do it. | ||
| And if they do, it'll make a difference. | ||
| It will make a big difference. | ||
| Yeah, it will. | ||
| The hang's not that good there. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| And when you wait and you go on stage, you're essentially in the hallway. | ||
| That's why Bud Freeman was going, Rod, could you stand over there? | ||
| Language! | ||
| Mitzi Short was literally like, you guys, sort it out. | ||
| Let everybody sort it out. | ||
| Sort it out. | ||
| She didn't give a fuck, man. | ||
| She understood. | ||
| Keep everybody safe. | ||
| Let the lunatics run the asylum. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they did. | ||
| I'll never forget the day she passed me, ever, in my life. | ||
| You're really funny. | ||
| Alright, you're a paid regular now. | ||
| I was like, holy shit! | ||
| Now, explain to people what a paid regular is. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| Well, it's like you got the stamp of approval. | ||
| You might actually have a career. | ||
| I wasn't sure if I was going to have a career in comedy, which is hilarious because I was on a sitcom at the time. | ||
| I was out here to do a television show for Fox. | ||
| I had been on Showtime already. | ||
| I had headlined a lot of clubs all over the country, probably prematurely. | ||
| I'd really only been doing stand-up for six years. | ||
| But, you know, I had maybe a good 10-15 minutes. | ||
| I could actually do a real solid half hour if I had to, but 15 minutes that I could really kill with. | ||
| And to be able to do a set in front of her, and she goes, you're a paid regular. | ||
| I was like, I'm a fucking comedian. | ||
| I'm a... | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| You've been given the nod. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought I was a fraud! | |
| You're a made man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought I was a fraud! | |
| Even when I was saying it, even when she said it, I was like, damn, I tricked her! | ||
| I tricked all those people in the audience. | ||
| I tricked her. | ||
| That's how I felt. | ||
| I felt like I tricked her. | ||
| I felt like I tricked everybody. | ||
| But everybody tricks everybody in the beginning. | ||
| That's what the beginning is. | ||
| I just didn't trick that one guy. | ||
| But it's good that you didn't trick them. | ||
| Those hard hits, they're important. | ||
| It's important stuff. | ||
| Eating shit on stage is critical. | ||
| You can't accept the fact that it's a process. | ||
| You can't want everything to happen right away. | ||
| And the only way for you to be really sure that it's not happening yet is to bomb. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nothing tells you so succinctly that you're doing it wrong, like eating shit on stage. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you kind of learn... | ||
| A lot from it as you go, you know, in that you don't really mess around that much with comedy's venue. | ||
| You don't want to play a football stadium or whatever. | ||
| What's the biggest place you've ever performed at? | ||
| Well, Blue Collar Comedy Tour, we hold the record where the Predators play hockey in Nashville. | ||
| How many people is that? | ||
| 20,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| That's a lot of people. | ||
| And Elton John held the record before we broke it, and the reason we broke it is we were in a center stage in the middle, and there's only four of us doing stand-up, so nobody will ever have a smaller stage for that big show there. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| How could they? | ||
| And that was right before we filmed Blue Collar One. | ||
| Dude, Josh Wolf showed me a picture when he opened up for Larry the Cable Guy. | ||
| He opened up at some football arena. | ||
| He's on stage and he takes a selfie out looking at the audience. | ||
| It's the craziest thing you've ever seen in your life. | ||
| See if you can find it. | ||
| Josh Wolf opening up for Larry the Cable Guy selfie. | ||
| I don't even know if he put it online. | ||
| He showed it to me on his phone. | ||
| It's fucking bananas. | ||
| There's 50,000 people there. | ||
| 50,000 people. | ||
| He was doing crazy, crazy, crazy numbers. | ||
| Insane numbers. | ||
| And didn't even talk about it. | ||
| There was a lot of people that were hating on him. | ||
| He couldn't be a nicer guy. | ||
| He's also a great pace, rhythm, and timing one-liner guy. | ||
| And as good as a guest. | ||
| I've seen him just beat crowds to death. | ||
| Funny dude. | ||
| And gifted and also has done it. | ||
| He's totally paid his dues. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I met him in 92, I think. | ||
| Well, you've done him longer than I have. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Look at that fucking crowd! | ||
| I haven't played this place. | ||
| Look at that fucking crowd! | ||
| That is insane! | ||
| That's gotta be Nebraska, right? | ||
| Everybody's wearing red. | ||
| That's gotta be Memorial Stadium in Lincoln, Nebraska. | ||
| That is one of the most insane crowds I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| But it makes sense. | ||
| He's got great fucking timing, man. | ||
| And I met him, like I said, in 92, I think, at the Comedy Works in Montreal. | ||
| When Jimbo used to run the joint, and he was a great guy, man, back then. | ||
| Even back then, I think he was a radio personality in Florida at the time. | ||
| And Larry the Cable Guy was a character he did in that, and that he would bring into a show for one joke, and it just took over. | ||
| Fucking crazy. | ||
| And people don't know, like, he's Dan Whitney. | ||
| He's like a regular person. | ||
| Right, regular comic. | ||
| Yeah, but he's trapped. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He is Larry the Cable Guy for Life, son. | ||
| Well, trapped in a place you'd like to be trapped, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| A place where you're making $30 million a year. | ||
| But it's like this marvelous Mrs. Maisel thing, except that's who he actually is. | ||
| I mean, he doesn't have to wear a fat suit or anything crazy. | ||
| Well, you know, his dad was a preacher and a pig farmer from Nebraska. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And so he does this great auctioneer voice. | ||
| Sold a little Danny Whitney from across the street. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| A preacher and a pig farmer. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Speaking of pigs, the pigs just keep coming back. | ||
| Who's going to save the pigs, Joe? | ||
| The thing is, you can't save the pigs. | ||
| You've got to kill some of them. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Pigs are the ultimate conundrum. | ||
| Because it would be nice if we could have some sort of... | ||
| Harmony with nature with pigs, but that's not possible. | ||
| If they're wild, they're fucking up a storm, they're having two, three litters a year with six to eight little piglets, and they're just running rampant, and they become viable. | ||
| I think, correct me if I'm wrong, I think female pigs become viable and can get pregnant after four months of life. | ||
| You're exactly right. | ||
| That's why they make these little bitty pigs. | ||
| And they had these little bitty pigs, too. | ||
| And they're the cutest things I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| Oh, they're adorable. | ||
| And I said, can I pick one up? | ||
| And they squeal like a pig. | ||
| And literally, I picked one up, and they made a noise like I was stabbing a screwdriver into their ear. | ||
| And I'm like, okay, all right. | ||
| They're smart. | ||
| You get scared. | ||
| They're smart. | ||
| It's a crazy thing, because you want to love them. | ||
| But then, if they're taking over your neighborhood, you want to fucking shoot them and kill them. | ||
| And they're delicious. | ||
| And they're delicious. | ||
| That's their problem. | ||
| Right? | ||
| That's the whole problem. | ||
| They're delicious. | ||
| You know how they got into California? | ||
| No? | ||
| William Randolph Hearst. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| That crazy asshole, he used to bring them and he would populate his forest outside of his home with wild pigs. | ||
| Up in... | ||
| Wild boars, Russian boars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You'd go out and fucking shoot them. | ||
| So if you go to like Tachapi or any of these areas that have wild pigs, you go to certain areas towards the middle near Bakersfield, there's wild pigs out there. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| That's all William Randolph Hearst's wild pigs. | ||
| Thanks, Bill. | ||
| Yeah, that crazy asshole. | ||
| He let pigs loose in California. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're everywhere. | |
| Big Sur. | ||
| Like Hunter S. Thompson used to hunt wild boar in Big Sur with a fucking machine gun. | ||
| Those were William Randolph Hearst's wild pigs that had populated the mountains. | ||
| All the way up the coast? | ||
| All the way up the coast. | ||
| All the way up the coast. | ||
| San Jose. | ||
| There was a fucking news story from San Jose where they were knocking over people's trash cans. | ||
| Oh, they're huge. | ||
| Tech communities. | ||
| They're 800 pound pigs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Big ass fucking pigs. | |
| They're mowing. | ||
| Mowing people. | ||
| Most of the wild ones aren't that big. | ||
| The wild ones are like a big wild one's like 300 pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The really big ones are the ones that are domesticated. | |
| Not in Arkansas or not in Georgia. | ||
| They're... | ||
| You know what happens there, though? | ||
| They're domesticated and people let them go. | ||
| See... | ||
| Don't be looking this up on the computer. | ||
| Don't fuck up my fucking story with the truth. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I know about this. | ||
| Huge. | ||
| One thing I do know about is feral pigs. | ||
| I've studied them pretty closely. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because I'm friends with a lot of people that are professional hunters. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And I wanted to know how the fuck they got so big. | ||
| Like, there's a video of... | ||
| There's a photo, rather, of one they called Hogzilla. | ||
| That was from Georgia. | ||
| It's a fucking enormous pig. | ||
| But it looks... | ||
| Look at that motherfucker. | ||
| King Kong hog from Russia makes Hogzilla look like a baby. | ||
| See? | ||
| I'm not buying that. | ||
| Look how far that guy. | ||
| Look at the guy's head. | ||
| See that guy's head? | ||
| That guy's a mile away. | ||
| Where the fuck is that guy? | ||
| That guy could be on top of that thing and that looks like a German Shepherd. | ||
| How much does it weigh? | ||
| We have no idea. | ||
| This is a photograph. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Let me see that tusks again. | ||
| Let me see the tusks. | ||
| Eh, it's a big pig. | ||
| But it doesn't have to be that big. | ||
| That could be a 300-400 pound pig. | ||
| It doesn't even say. | ||
| Did they weigh it? | ||
| 1,179 pounds. | ||
| That's a big-ass pig, dude. | ||
| Says who? | ||
| Says who? | ||
| Says these guys with the scales. | ||
| What website is this? | ||
| They've got scales. | ||
| What website is this? | ||
| Wide Open Spaces? | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| That's a pretty reputable website. | ||
| Oh, that's not all. | ||
| The shoulder height. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Five and a half feet at the shoulder. | ||
| A pig. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I want to see a picture. | ||
| He brought 200 of these. | ||
| Not specifically that one, but it was a Russian boar. | ||
| That he brought in from Russia. | ||
| And they ended up breeding with local feral pigs. | ||
| And they got big. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, here's the thing about boars and pigs and all that jazz. | ||
| It all comes from the same genus. | ||
| It's all from something called Sue Scroffa. | ||
| Sue Scroffa is all pigs. | ||
| What's crazy about that is when you see a domestic pig and they look all cute and cuddly and pink and shit, when they get loose and they go wandering through the woods, they turn feral and their face changes. | ||
| Their face gets longer. | ||
| They grow tusks. | ||
| Their hair gets thicker. | ||
| This one, it says the shoulder height. | ||
| Is that how high the shoulders are off the ground? | ||
| Five and a half feet. | ||
| Jesus Christ, that's so big. | ||
| I'm three inches taller than that. | ||
| Five and a half feet? | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That's this tall on me. | ||
| So, me standing up. | ||
| Okay, I'm five and eight. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Here's the pig's shoulder. | ||
| Right, right there. | ||
| That's a big ass pig. | ||
| Is that three inches? | ||
| Right, that's ornery. | ||
| Is that like right there? | ||
| Where's three inches? | ||
| Like right here? | ||
| That's fucking insane. | ||
| That's a pig that high? | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That's an elk. | ||
| Hogzilla was a shoulder height of three feet, so that's almost double. | ||
| Is that real, though? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| That's five and a half feet tall. | ||
| Seems so big. | ||
| That's so big. | ||
| But if it was a thousand pounds, that makes sense, because a good elk is like 800 pounds. | ||
| Right, no, yeah. | ||
| A longhorn steer. | ||
| See, these guys are so far behind it. | ||
| See, this is a bullshit hunter's trick. | ||
| That's a hunter's trick. | ||
| His hands are on its back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where? | |
| I don't see his hands. | ||
| Do you see his hands? | ||
| I don't see his hands. | ||
| Yeah, not anymore. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| Listen, that guy's in the next area code. | ||
| That guy's hiding. | ||
| He's way behind that thing. | ||
| You're supposed to be right next to it. | ||
| And if that is a deceptive photo... | ||
| When you take a photo like that, you're doing that on purpose. | ||
| What you're supposed to do is you're supposed to put your gun or your rifle or your bow and arrow, you lean it on the animal, you stand next to it, so that people that know how difficult it is, and people say, You're trying to kill a smart, mature animal because that's the one that's healthiest for the population. | ||
| That's the one you want to take out of the breeding cycle. | ||
| This is one that's already spread its genes. | ||
| And hunters respect when someone shoots a mature, older animal. | ||
| I'm starving. | ||
| It looks good, right? | ||
| I'm hungry. | ||
| Those are not that good to eat unless you really know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| You've got to slow cook that motherfucker. | ||
| That one, you want to probably brine that bitch, get him in a big old vat of salt water with brown sugar and garlic, and just let him soak for a while. | ||
| This article is sort of saying it could be bullshit. | ||
| It could be bullshit. | ||
| I'm telling you, that guy's too far away. | ||
| You've got to listen to me. | ||
| When you see a guy that's that far away, what are you saying about Russians, bro? | ||
| That guy's near the bumper of that fucking car. | ||
| I'm saying they lie about their pig size. | ||
| Look at where his shoulders are. | ||
| They line up almost with the bumper of that fucking car. | ||
| He looks tiny. | ||
| He's way behind that pig. | ||
| Look at him in relation to the size of the car. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| He's like a third grader. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It doesn't make sense. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| This guy is hiding. | ||
| He's hiding behind that pig. | ||
| If you wanted people to know the actual perspective, you'd see that. | ||
| You'd lay on the pig. | ||
| If he had a rifle leaning up against that pig and the rifle looked tiny, you'd be like, holy shit, that's a giant pig. | ||
| But there's nothing in that photo that represents an actual perspective. | ||
| You would have to be standing. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's hiding. | ||
| He's like, oh, I can't even see. | ||
| Bitch, you can see. | ||
| That ain't a five and a half foot tall pig. | ||
| Well, that pig 6'1", laying down in this picture. | ||
| Yeah, in that picture. | ||
| That guy's on his knees. | ||
| This is the only evidence they have is this dead one. | ||
| That means that the werewolf we have in the lobby could be real, too. | ||
| The werewolf's 1,000 pounds. | ||
| It's even bigger than this pig. | ||
| Yeah, that's stupid. | ||
| That's what people do, man. | ||
| People take pictures of animals. | ||
| They hide. | ||
| In the hunting world, it's called a grip and grin. | ||
| Take a, like, you hold a deer and you, like, push them way out. | ||
| People do that with fish, too. | ||
| Like, you caught a big bass. | ||
| You take that big bass, you put it way in front of you. | ||
| It looks gigantic. | ||
| But if you take that big bass, you're like, hey, look at my big bass. | ||
| That's a confident person. | ||
| A confident person's got that bass behind him. | ||
| Look at that motherfucker. | ||
| Do you know how big that is? | ||
| Wrong. | ||
| Bigger. | ||
| Wrong. | ||
| Keep guessing. | ||
| Doesn't matter. | ||
| This guy's a liar. | ||
| The guy holding it out in front of him. | ||
| He's showboating. | ||
| I'm not buying it. | ||
| Showboating. | ||
| That fucking pig's 300 pounds. | ||
| That's a baby pig. | ||
| And me and Joe Rogan are against it. | ||
| Whitney Cummings, pig's brothers and sisters. | ||
| Got loose. | ||
| They shot it. | ||
| So I saw her right after that. | ||
| That's what I told you. | ||
| I'm like, you're not going to believe this shit, Whitney. | ||
| I have pictures of your pig. | ||
| And I showed it to her on the phone and she just flipped the fuck out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that lady loves animals for real. | ||
| God bless her fiancé. | ||
| He's in for a long run of animal husbandry. | ||
| My friend's wife, if she sees an animal that's dead and it's winter, she'll put it in her freezer. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Wait for the thaw and then bury it? | ||
| Wait for the ground to thaw and then dig a hole and bury it. | ||
| Jesus, that's deep. | ||
| Whitney wouldn't do that. | ||
| No, I don't know anybody else. | ||
|
unidentified
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She sticks to the next level, this lady. | |
| Yeah, that's taking it to the next level. | ||
| You've got to accept there's a cycle of life. | ||
| You don't have to, like, just leave it outside for something to eat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what you're supposed to do. | ||
| That's what I do. | ||
| Well, there's a reason for that. | ||
| Those animals, they need to stay alive, too. | ||
| The animals that eat dead animals, they need to stay alive, too. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
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Vultures. | |
| Not just vultures. | ||
| Rats, you know. | ||
| There's a lot of scavengers. | ||
| Here's something interesting as this show gets drunker and drunker. | ||
| I grow Meyer lemons at my place. | ||
| And so I look at the lemons, and something has eaten the rind off the lemon and left the lemon hanging on the tree in perfect condition. | ||
| And I'm like, well, that's odd. | ||
| And then I see one little group of perfectly peeled lemons on the ground, and then there's two more lemon pods on the tree, perfect lemons, no rinds. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| This is yesterday. | ||
| This is how I spent yesterday. | ||
| This isn't memories from the past, which I have almost none of, but yesterday. | ||
| And so we looked it up, and it's called The Roof Rat. | ||
| And they love specifically... | ||
| Meijer Lemons, which is what these were, and they love the rind, but they don't like the sourness of the fruit, so they just eat the... | ||
| They just eat the rind and leave the fruit hanging on the tree, and it was just baffling, really, when I first saw it. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| They do the exact opposite with oranges. | ||
| Right, and we also have blood oranges, and so they'll put a little hole in them, eat all the fruit out of it, and leave the husk hanging on the tree with nothing on the inside. | ||
| Like dicks! | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Fucking dicks. | ||
| So now when I eat an orange or a lime or whatever, I'm like, throw the rinds out there. | ||
| Save the fucking fruit. | ||
| You know, I really don't like to kill anything. | ||
| Dude, I have a peach tree. | ||
| I maybe ate three peaches the whole time I've been living in this fucking house. | ||
| I've been living in that house since 2003. These goddamn squirrels eat my peaches. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They eat every fucking peach I've ever grown. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at these rats. | ||
| Look at what's left there. | ||
| They dug a hole in that shit. | ||
| I literally never get to eat peaches. | ||
| I have all these things going on in my house right now. | ||
| I have coyote problems. | ||
| They're called roof rats. | ||
| I got serious coyote problems. | ||
| I have no more chickens. | ||
| Coyotes killed all my chickens in one fell swoop. | ||
| You ready for this? | ||
| They killed the last nine chickens. | ||
| I had to transfer to them because my chicken coop burnt to the ground. | ||
| So we had to get a smaller coop. | ||
| And you're blaming that on the coyotes? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The chickens escaped. | ||
| And we saved the chickens. | ||
| And we got them to this other coop after the fire. | ||
| And it wasn't as reinforced as the original coop. | ||
| The original coop, I had hired a guy who's a carpenter to build me a nice coop. | ||
| And he did a great job. | ||
| And the coyotes were on the roof one night chewing at it. | ||
| And I had a fucking... | ||
| I had a death perch set up on my porch. | ||
| I had my Hoyt out there. | ||
| I had... | ||
| Arrows, range finder. | ||
| I even laid bait out in my yard waiting for these cunts. | ||
| I was going full Rambo. | ||
| But I lost my patience and I'm a busy man. | ||
| I got a lot of things to do. | ||
| So I abandoned the project. | ||
| And the fire came along. | ||
| Fire burnt my fucking chicken coop down to the ground. | ||
| We put these chickens in another coop and these coyotes tore that coop apart. | ||
| And they did it when we weren't home. | ||
| And we came home as just feathers. | ||
| They were all gone. | ||
| All nine of them. | ||
| You know, part of me admires them. | ||
| Part of me is like these little wolves are surviving in the suburbs. | ||
| They're trying to figure this shit out. | ||
| They figured it out, man. | ||
| They win. | ||
| Break into this thing or die. | ||
| My wife was getting uncomfortable because you're basically making your house a target. | ||
| They're on the roof right next to the house. | ||
| These little small predators are chewing at the roof of the chicken coop before the fire happened. | ||
| That was when I decided to go to war. | ||
| I didn't fully commit it to war, because I was going to get a Subsonic 22. That's the way to go. | ||
| Because you ever hear a Subsonic 22? | ||
| It sounds like this. | ||
| Doesn't sound like anything, but it's lethal. | ||
| I had a coyote, but I don't think it's legal inside city limits. | ||
| I don't even think I should be saying that I wanted to shoot it with a rifle. | ||
| It's probably like a criminal intent idea, but I never really considered it, and I definitely never bought one. | ||
| But I was ready to fuck one up with a bow and arrow. | ||
| But now it's over. | ||
| They won. | ||
| They figured it out. | ||
| The fire opened up the door. | ||
| And they, after the fire, they were real sketchy. | ||
| Real loud. | ||
| Because they were trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. | ||
| Because all the brush was gone. | ||
| So probably the rabbits were missing and the rats were missing. | ||
| Of course they were. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Were we going to say, Jamie? | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| I came home and see just feathers everywhere, man. | ||
| Just feathers. | ||
| Like someone just sliced a few pillows and just shook them all over the yard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, fuck. | |
| We should look back and try to figure out what we should have closed with. | ||
| That's a good way to close. | ||
| We've closed with murdered chickens. | ||
| We've got a show tonight. | ||
| Ron White will be with me. | ||
| All shows are sold out. | ||
| All going well. | ||
| The show is sold out. | ||
| This weekend I'm at Austin Cap City Comedy Club. | ||
| That's sold the fuck out, too, with George Perez, who's goddamn hilarious, and Andrew Santino. | ||
| Wait, where'd Andrew there? | ||
| Friday and Saturday. | ||
| Are you in town? | ||
| No. | ||
| Damn it. | ||
| No, my place is under construction. | ||
| I'm redoing my house. | ||
| Ron White, intercontinental man of mystery. | ||
| Travels all over the globe. | ||
| Homes in many mysterious locations. | ||
| Don't you have a place in Atlanta, too? | ||
| I sold that and bought the place in Austin. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I like the move. | ||
| I like where you like to go. | ||
| Two of my favorite spots. | ||
| Atlanta and Austin. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| You can ease into them and have fun. | ||
| Favorite spots. | ||
| I could live in either or. | ||
| It's easy to get connected to the music vibe in Austin. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And figure out real quick who you really love to see. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But I like Atlanta, too. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I love both of them. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Ron White, you're a bad motherfucker. | ||
| It's an honor to call you a friend. | ||
| You're a bad motherfucker. | ||
| I appreciate you dearly. | ||
| Back at you. | ||
| Back at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holla! | |
| That's it, fuckers. | ||
| We'll see you soon. | ||
| More show tomorrow. | ||
| Night-night termite. | ||
| See ya! |
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