Speaker | Time | Text |
---|---|---|
And four, three, two... | ||
Yes, Bill Burr! | ||
How are you, fella? | ||
What's going on? | ||
Good to see you. | ||
Good to see you, too. | ||
Thank you very much for taking me up on that flight. | ||
I'm going to tell you what. | ||
Legitimately, you changed the way I think about L.A. It's really small, isn't it? | ||
It's way smaller than you think. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's a different thing. | ||
When you fly over it, you go, oh... | ||
Yeah, that's there. | ||
I remember when I was still getting my license and I was doing a night flight, right? | ||
Which is insane. | ||
Totally different ballgame. | ||
Oh, I imagine. | ||
Yeah, because when you're on the ground, you're like, wow, it'd be really easy to see everybody. | ||
Because you're looking up and all you're seeing is the backdrop of the dark sky, right? | ||
Right. | ||
If someone's below you, they disappear into the city. | ||
So that's what, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
So anyway, so we were flying back, and I trained down in Long Beach, so we were going along the 710, and I just see, like, all these lights. | ||
And it was, like, right there. | ||
I'm, like, going up. | ||
And I go, what's that? | ||
He goes, and the pilot looked over. | ||
He goes, oh, that's the fireworks from Disneyland. | ||
And I was like, fucking Disneyland is right there? | ||
Because in my head, it took like two hours to get there, hour and a half, going down the five. | ||
But it's just like, because you don't look at miles. | ||
All you do is look at time when you're out here because there's so much traffic. | ||
But it's literally like, oh, that's like... | ||
40 miles. | ||
It's not even. | ||
It's like from Hollywood, I would think it can't even be more than 15, 20 miles away. | ||
Anaheim is so fucking close. | ||
But it's just Irvine Comedy Club. | ||
That's all I think of. | ||
It's just fucking way the fuck down there. | ||
And then you get up in a helicopter and you're like there in like 11 minutes going like, this is ridiculous. | ||
So... | ||
Yeah, yeah. | ||
It was awesome. | ||
Dude, it was awesome. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Flying over Malibu when you landed on top of that little hill there with the picnic table? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Dude. | ||
That was funny. | ||
I set it down nice. | ||
I was a little nervous. | ||
I'm like, all right, don't fuck this up with Joe here because he's going to be like, bro, you know. | ||
He was all right when he was flying. | ||
The big part, when he went to land, he wasn't that good. | ||
It was smooth. | ||
And then the Apocalypse Now shit, we're going through the canyons. | ||
That was awesome, man. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I get it. | ||
I get it. | ||
Those are fun. | ||
It's a lot of fun. | ||
And, you know, I fly mostly with an instructor because I got the kid and everything. | ||
But every once in a while, you got to go out by yourself just so you know you can do it. | ||
But I also – I'm actually overdue to do it. | ||
But I always go out and I do like the auto rotations and he'll just sort of – I'm flying along. | ||
He'll just chop throttle. | ||
It's just rolling the RPMs. | ||
I mean rolling the engine down, not the RPMs. | ||
The engine down. | ||
And then you immediately have to pick a spot, you know? | ||
And sometimes, you know, the lower you are, you know, it becomes literally what you... | ||
The first place you look is where you're putting it. | ||
It's really crazy, but... | ||
Explain to people what you're talking about. | ||
You mean crash landing? | ||
That's what autorotation means. | ||
Yeah, it'd be basically if you had some sort of... | ||
Failure. | ||
Problem, yeah, engine failure, whatever. | ||
So, like, when you're flying along and the engine's working, it's drawing air into the disc, and that's what creates lift. | ||
But when you go into an autorotation... | ||
It's the air rushing. | ||
You're using gravity, bringing the helicopter down, using that air, almost like a fan, to keep it going. | ||
And there's a critical point where if you let the main rotor go too slow, that's why the low RPM horn comes on, which is just a nauseating sound. | ||
If you let it go too low, it gets to a point where if it's spinning too slowly, no matter how fast you drop, you can't get it going again. | ||
Fast enough to create, and you're basically at that point, you're in something that's no longer able to fly. | ||
Your instructor, Skyler, is that his name? | ||
Skyler pointed out something I didn't know, that they have to redo those things, like every X amount of miles. | ||
They rebuild everything. | ||
Hours, yeah. | ||
Well, there's all this maintenance along the way. | ||
They're incredibly maintained. | ||
Because I'm sure you noticed if you read the comments, all people talk about is dying in aviation. | ||
It's like, oh, that's how entertainers die. | ||
It's like, no, it isn't. | ||
They overdose. | ||
If you really looked at the graph, they're on the ground, completely safe. | ||
Overdose, car accidents. | ||
It's almost always overdose, right? | ||
Drinking, yeah, and shit like that. | ||
And it's just like, that's... | ||
Mainly how you die. | ||
The amount of people that are up there every day and nothing happens, it's... | ||
But there is... | ||
The fly in the ointment is that there are, particularly at the private level, there are knuckleheads out there. | ||
There's people... | ||
I think every time I get in, I'm always thinking like, I don't want to die today. | ||
So I go over a whole bunch of shit. | ||
And especially if I'm going to fly solo, I have the whole flight. | ||
I have all my options on where I could land if I had a problem. | ||
That's what you're supposed to do. | ||
I look at weather reports. | ||
I do all of that shit. | ||
And what happens is guys get more and more confident. | ||
And their pre-flight is they kind of look, oh, it looks pretty clear. | ||
And then they go out there and, you know, there's people who go up knowing that they can die and then there's other people up there who just like Magnum P.I. and they want to fly by waterfalls and shit. | ||
I mean, those guys have more fun, but it's, you know, there's definitely... | ||
Those are the people that, you know, you're supposed to fly. | ||
There's like two envelopes. | ||
You're supposed to fly within the envelope of what you're flying and then, you know, your skill set. | ||
So you don't fly into shit. | ||
This is like, you know, like if it's too windy or whatever, I'm just like, I'm not going. | ||
Right. | ||
Even if I could handle it, it's like I'm not going to have fun up there fucking, you know, riding it out and just, you know, let the wind do what it wants to do and don't fight it and, you know, make sure, you know, you're not flying too fast. | ||
All you do is slow down, you know. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But, you know, there are elements of that. | ||
But, like, if you look up there versus what's going on down below, when you fly, I always say this, when you drive on the highway, it's like you're flying in formation. | ||
You're in the Blue Angels with nobody talking to anybody. | ||
You have no idea what anybody's going to do. | ||
People are texting. | ||
They're on medication. | ||
They're fucking hungover. | ||
They're suicidal. | ||
You know what the fuck they're doing, you know? | ||
And then on top of that, you've got to look out for the guys splitting lanes on the motorcycles and shit. | ||
It's pretty amazing how few accidents there actually are. | ||
It is. | ||
It is. | ||
And when I fly the Robinsons, they get a bad rap saying they're not safe because they look at the amount of crashes that they've had, but it's because it's a helicopter you can afford, so it's inherently a low-hour pilot. | ||
And if you look at it, most of the time, it's not... | ||
It's not the helicopter. | ||
It's the person flying it, which is why you really have to be on it. | ||
It's just not something... | ||
I don't know how to explain it. | ||
It's this weird thing where your level of enjoyment is way higher if you're riding in it. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
If you're the person flying the whole time, you have your life and other people's lives at hand so that you're not really like, oh, look at that! | ||
Oh, look at that! | ||
Oh, look at that! | ||
I'm also like, you know, thinking things of like, you know, when we were flying through that canyon, thinking that shit, I'm looking, you know, knowing where the wires are and where the road is because that's all fucking trees, so it's going to be the road. | ||
So there's those, you know, when you're kind of going around a bend, you know, there's certain, like, altitudes and stuff. | ||
Just... | ||
It's boring, but it's just stuff that you're always thinking that. | ||
I imagine when you fight, I know a lot of it's instinct and stuff, but there's these things that you just don't do. | ||
I don't know anything about fighting, but I was heard in boxing, you don't lead with an uppercut. | ||
There's just fucking things you don't do. | ||
You see a lot of guys, when they go to takeoff, they do this fucking thing, like the nose-down attitude. | ||
I was taught not to do that. | ||
Why do they do that? | ||
Because it looks cool? | ||
I don't know why they do it. | ||
I mean, you're supposed to, like I was taught, you're supposed to keep it level. | ||
So that way, if you have a problem, you know, you're already in the right attitude to just immediately enter an auto. | ||
Like now, if I'm fucking nose down and if I'm too far to the ground, I'm just going to fucking go right into the ground. | ||
I don't know. | ||
But I mean, I'm still like totally a novice. | ||
I'm coming up on 200 hours. | ||
So I don't know a lot. | ||
But I'm super, super, super, super fucking cautious. | ||
And I make sure I don't go too long without doing auto rotations. | ||
I used to hate them. | ||
And now I actually really like them. | ||
It was sort of the way it was explained to me. | ||
I didn't get it until one day I just thought about it, and then I got it, and I was able to lock into it. | ||
Because it's the same inputs if you were going in for a landing, but they broke it down to like four steps. | ||
Like it was low RPM, lower collective, gentle aft cyclic, look at your trim strings, trim strings. | ||
Trim, airspeed, RPMs, and just fucking doing all of this. | ||
And the reality is, it's just like it's on right pedal. | ||
Jesus Christ, I forgot that. | ||
Right pedal. | ||
So it's all the same input if you were going in for a landing. | ||
So all I do anytime I hear the low RPM is I just do that, and then I'm locked into it. | ||
And then I can just watch my RPMs. | ||
And at this point, I've flown enough where I kind of know where I'm in trim, which basically means you're not like crabbing and you're kind of going straight. | ||
And then you can kind of like pick out your spot. | ||
And then it becomes fun. | ||
What's cool is you can do like 180 autos. | ||
You can turn around. | ||
And what I do like about it is when you come down to the ground is you can bleed off all of your airspeed. | ||
That forward motion that's going to fucking kill you. | ||
And as long as you don't fuck up and flare and go back up and then drop like a, you know... | ||
It's kind of like a hockey stop is the way it was described to me. | ||
You just level it out and right as you go to drop, you pull like that. | ||
And these guys land them like daisies and stuff. | ||
It's really amazing. | ||
I'm not as good as that, but I will do it where, you know, worst case scenario, I might be like, ah, fuck. | ||
Get a little bit of a bump. | ||
Yeah, but I'm going to be all right. | ||
So... | ||
Yeah, I don't know. | ||
Now there's probably a bunch of people saying, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, which admittedly, you know, I still think there's a lot of shit I need to learn about stand-up. | ||
So as long as you go into things like that, you know... | ||
Well, the fact that you're doing it and the fact that you're learning a new thing that's really difficult to learn, don't you think that that's good for your brain? | ||
No, I am a big believer in constantly learning. | ||
It's why I like you as a person, because you're constantly... | ||
Like, you're not the Joe I knew three years ago in a good way. | ||
You're like, you learn all of this. | ||
You know, when I first met you, you weren't hunting. | ||
You were into martial... | ||
That was the thing. | ||
You were two-dimensional, which was amazing because everyone was just a comedian. | ||
You were this Taekwondo champion stand-up guy. | ||
And then since then, you've added all... | ||
Like, the guests that you have on and the fact that you're able to, like, talk to them and stuff is because you've continued to, you know... | ||
You know, it's the same thing with like a comic who writes his first hour and then just sits on it for like eight years. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And all of a sudden two presidents goes by and it's like, why aren't they laughing anymore? | ||
It's like, because you're just stuck in time. | ||
So, yeah, I believe in that and I also believe in playing cards. | ||
Card games and stuff is good for you. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Any games. | ||
They say even video games. | ||
You know, people like to shit on video games, but they say video games have a positive cognitive effect on kids. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because you're calculating and moving, you're thinking fast. | ||
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
Yeah, their hand-eye coordination is insane, I guess. | ||
Some of those games, if you play them, I guess. | ||
I don't know. | ||
Well, you think about the amount of hours they're putting into their thumbs. | ||
Just how often do you really use your thumb in detailed ways? | ||
Very rarely. | ||
But kids today, they have ridiculous thumb dexterity. | ||
I tapped out Grand Theft Auto 3 is when I stopped, which was about 2003, 2002 or something. | ||
They were just... | ||
Too amazing. | ||
And I was just like, I am nowhere in my career right now. | ||
And this is just, dude, I was walking around, I was living in New York at the time, and I would stop playing the game. | ||
And I would be walking down the street thinking about it. | ||
Like what I could walk into the subway, you know, like not thinking about jokes, thinking how I could beat this next level. | ||
And I remember I played this Medal of Honor game. | ||
And they had this thing when you hit the sniper button, like the scope would go like that and X would go like that. | ||
And I played it one day, one week, so much that when I walked out on the street, I was looking at people across the street doing like that, that X that was going on in my face. | ||
I was just like, there's something about like, I already, I'm not the brightest guy, you know, when it comes to like school and shit. | ||
So it's just like, I was like, this is doing something to my brain. | ||
So I kind of, I remember when I came home and I just unplugged everything. | ||
Really quickly took everything off because I knew I was never going to figure it out and I didn't have the instructions anymore. | ||
I just stuck it in the back of the closet. | ||
Like, well, that's it. | ||
I did the same thing with video games with Quake. | ||
I had a real problem when I was playing 8 hours a day, 10 hours a day sometimes. | ||
I had a T1 line installed in my house just so I could play with a fast internet connection. | ||
This is like 1998. Yeah. | ||
It was crazy. | ||
I mean, there was slow internet where I was. | ||
So I said, well, what's the options? | ||
And so one option is they chew up the street and put this fucking crazy fat business line. | ||
It cost me a shitload of money. | ||
And I was like, let's do it. | ||
unidentified
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Wow. | |
So I had installed a fucking business line that we'd use. | ||
At the time, you'd use for a large building. | ||
unidentified
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Right. | |
And I had it just for my house. | ||
And I would play video games online all the time. | ||
Wow. | ||
You could play online against people for the last 20 years? | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
I didn't know that. | ||
We'd play online teams. | ||
We'd have teams of guys, like me and three of my friends, would play against four other guys, and we'd meet at a certain server, and you could chat and talk to each other. | ||
All right, you ready to go? | ||
All right, let's go. | ||
Three, two, one, go. | ||
And then the game will start, and then we'd fucking have these matches. | ||
And it was fun, man. | ||
It was really fun. | ||
It was really exciting, too, because it's all happening in real time. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But I reached a point. | ||
Somewhere around like the year 2000, where I know one day I played until it was sunlight, until the sun came up. | ||
And, you know, I'm fucking 30 years old. | ||
And I'm sitting there, my hands are sweating. | ||
I'm all fucking caffeinated up. | ||
I've been drinking Mountain Dew for the past eight hours. | ||
And I realized, like, what am I doing? | ||
I'm not where I want to be as a comic. | ||
I'm not where I want to be with my life. | ||
And I'm just sitting here playing video games all the time and there's no future in this. | ||
I've been stuck in things where there's no future before. | ||
I know what that is. | ||
I felt like that with fighting. | ||
When I was 21, there was a point in time where I was like... | ||
There's no future in this. | ||
I'm just going to keep getting hit in the head, and I'm going to get dumber and more brain damage and more crazy. | ||
I'm like, this is dangerous. | ||
And I realized, I've got to stop. | ||
I've got to stop. | ||
There's no future in this. | ||
There was no money in fighting back then, either. | ||
And then I got there with Poole. | ||
Same thing with Poole. | ||
My manager called me up, and he said, I think you play pool too much. | ||
He's like, I think... | ||
He's like, I think that you seriously think about pool more than you do your career. | ||
And I respect him, and he's a very good friend of mine, so I didn't take it lightly. | ||
I had to take a deep breath, and I was like, fuck, he's right. | ||
That's right. | ||
I play pool all the time. | ||
I was playing every day. | ||
I have a real addictive personality. | ||
I do too. | ||
I do too. | ||
So I get like how many hours I want to get flying and then like things I want to learn playing drums and stuff. | ||
And then it becomes – I've had to learn to be like, Bill, these are hobbies. | ||
Yes, yes. | ||
Okay? | ||
You're a dad first, then you're a comedian. | ||
Let's sort of – The world isn't waiting for you to know how to play good times, bad times. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That can sit back a little bit. | ||
But the fact that you're doing that kind of stuff, I think, is great. | ||
I really identify with you in a lot of ways, the way you do that. | ||
Where you get fucking crazy about drums, or you get crazy about helicopters. | ||
unidentified
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Cooking. | |
Yeah. | ||
Everything. | ||
I just fucking... | ||
I go down like... | ||
I gotta learn all about, like, everything. | ||
I came out here, I got into old cars, and then all of a sudden I was watching this guy, Eric the Car Guy. | ||
I found him most fascinating because he would work on, like, cars of today, where you just open the hood, it's like, what is everything, and where the fuck, how do you get it? | ||
And he's just taking off all this plastic shit, and just digging all the way down, and he's just like, you know, if you can't remember, just videotape it, just remember how it all goes together. | ||
Dude, one time, I forget what the hell he was changing, but he had to take the whole fucking front end of this car off, To change something that I used to be able to change on my fucking 83 Ford Ranger. | ||
I know that guy. | ||
I know what you're talking about. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He does everything. | ||
Electrical, he does fucking everything. | ||
And I would just sit there. | ||
I watched all of that. | ||
I watched all the way back to people rebuilding flathead V8s and what made it a flathead. | ||
And I never got any electrical. | ||
That always seemed like magic to me. | ||
I never... | ||
Got into that shit and I was scared. | ||
Like, oh, you touch it and you get fucking electrocuted. | ||
But I got all into, like, watching... | ||
Like, somebody rebuild an engine. | ||
Like, just from the bottom to the top, there just wasn't a lot of... | ||
Right. | ||
It was like the crankshaft, and then there was the shit that held on the pistons. | ||
You dropped the pistons in, and then there was the intake manifold, and then there was the big thing, the valves. | ||
Gapping the valves, that seemed like, oh man, if you fuck that up, this thing isn't going to run right. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And just knowing the firing thing. | ||
And I got into like torque wrenches. | ||
And I learned how to change brakes on like old school shoe brakes and stuff like that. | ||
I got all the right wrenches and all that. | ||
I don't know how to adjust them. | ||
I know where you do this. | ||
There's this little slit in the back of the wheel. | ||
And I thought you just put them close to it. | ||
It's right up against the drum you're supposed to put them on. | ||
And I got totally into fucking brakes for a while. | ||
I tried to rebuild the carburetor. | ||
Failed miserably because it was really old and I took off too many parts. | ||
It was like warped and shit. | ||
Was that your Dodge, the truck? | ||
No, Ford. | ||
It's a Ford. | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
The brown ones are Ford? | ||
Black. | ||
It's black? | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
I don't think it was brown. | ||
I don't know. | ||
What year is that? | ||
Like 60? | ||
68. It was made... | ||
I looked up the VIN number. | ||
It was actually made in Canada. | ||
Crazy. | ||
unidentified
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Really? | |
March of 68. I want to say Toronto or something like that. | ||
I guess they had a... | ||
A factory up there or whatever. | ||
So in March of 1968 that thing rolled off and I think it spent most of its life down south like in Georgia. | ||
Did you swap the brakes out for disc brakes? | ||
I did. | ||
Chris Titus was the one who helped me with that. | ||
I did one side, he did the other, but he showed me. | ||
I was just doing what he told me to do. | ||
So I had all drum brakes and I wanted to keep it all original. | ||
But, you know, people were pulling out in front of me like I had disc brakes. | ||
And I'll tell you what's fucking hilarious. | ||
When I only had drum brakes, I locked them up one time in front of a bunch of millennials and they've never heard that sound. | ||
Like, fucking, and they all went like that, and all I was doing, I just, you know, the light turned. | ||
You know how fast the yellow lights are out here? | ||
I was kind of an East Coast mindset, like, I can make this. | ||
No, I can't, and I just fucking, I didn't even think I hit them that hard. | ||
I kind of went a little sideways, and then it was fucking hilarious. | ||
It was like this outdoor cafe, and they all looked over, and then I just had to fucking sit there, like, It was almost like that Artie Lang movie when he fucking mooned. | ||
He moons the crowd and the guy gets out and just leaves him there. | ||
He's like, oh, he was supposed to keep going. | ||
That's what I felt like. | ||
I was actually embarrassed. | ||
I probably waved and said, sorry. | ||
Those breaks were terrible. | ||
It's amazing nobody died. | ||
Or more people didn't die, rather. | ||
I used to have a 1970 Barracuda that had those kind of breaks. | ||
Oh, yeah, I know. | ||
I was 71 when I was in high school. | ||
And you'd hit the brakes and it would just skid. | ||
I mean, there was everything locked up. | ||
Anti-lock brakes, one of the greatest inventions ever. | ||
Yes. | ||
Fucking incredible invention. | ||
No, I used to drive my truck before I had power steering. | ||
I got put power steering in and air conditioning. | ||
unidentified
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Um... | |
It was just basically a farm truck. | ||
And it was like no power steering, three on the column, which I still have because I think that's cool. | ||
And I got stuck in the teeth of one night, like the fucking traffic. | ||
I always say it. | ||
I'm driving through the teeth of it. | ||
It'd be like between five and seven. | ||
And I was coming from Santa Monica, driving over to the fucking Laugh Factory. | ||
And I literally, by the time I got to the Laugh Factory, I was like tired. | ||
Man, I know I'm an older guy, but just like, When you're at a dead stop, and you're just turning the fucking weight of that, and it's this giant steering wheel to give you leverage. | ||
That's why the fucking thing is so big. | ||
And I was just like, oh my god. | ||
Doing a three-point turn in that, my triceps would be burning. | ||
Not in the best shape, but I'm just saying. | ||
I gotta make my life a little easier. | ||
Well, even my little car, that little red car that I have, that doesn't have any power steering. | ||
And when I turn that thing, that car is so light and tiny. | ||
It's fucking hard to turn, though. | ||
Like, when I have to pull into the parking lot of the comedy store and I have to back it up so that I can get out of there quick, it's a pain in the dick. | ||
It's hard. | ||
Three-point turns are not three-point turns. | ||
They're like four or five points. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I wonder if back in the day, because those original cars, they had those little skinny bike tires on it. | ||
It was just easier to turn. | ||
And as they got, like... | ||
Heavier and wider. | ||
Well, you know, my Corvette has that modern suspension on it, that 65 Corvette, and it has really wide tires, like the big old steamrollers. | ||
Just for a goof, I had the power steering taken off. | ||
I'm like, let's see what it's like to have the power steering. | ||
It was fucking horrible. | ||
It was horrible. | ||
You'd get a forearm workout just driving around. | ||
Driving on the street? | ||
Yeah, you're bouncing around. | ||
It was too much. | ||
I had to change it back. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I love old cars, though. | ||
There's something about the idea that you could fix it. | ||
You could go in there and with a good book or a good video, you can actually fix it. | ||
I know a lot of guys who have fixed things. | ||
I know guys who have changed their transmission. | ||
They've gone in there and swapped their transmission out for a new one. | ||
It's just having the balls to take it apart and then the patience... | ||
Like, I don't know, you gotta ask for help and like, I just found like, it was just like, and like, ah, I need what tool? | ||
I don't have that fucking tool and you have to order it. | ||
It was really frustrating and that was a quick sort of like rabbit hole I went down. | ||
So I like now that I kind of understand how the whole thing comes together. | ||
But yeah, I guess that gets back to the whole going down the rabbit hole thing. | ||
There's a guy who's got a great video that you would love. | ||
And it's on Petrolicious. | ||
And the video is called, I think it's called One Car for Everything. | ||
And there's this guy, he's a fiction writer. | ||
unidentified
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Mm-hmm. | |
Writes like screenplays and shit. | ||
Never worked on a car in his life. | ||
Decided he wanted to buy an old Porsche. | ||
So he bought like a 1971 Porsche. | ||
And didn't know jack shit about cars. | ||
So he starts learning. | ||
One car to do it all. | ||
That's it. | ||
So this guy... | ||
Puts together this car, and then starts working on it, and then takes his fucking garage and turns his garage into a professional workspace, digs a hole in the ground, puts a lift in, in the floor of his garage, lays cement, does everything. | ||
Is this guy married? | ||
I don't know. | ||
It doesn't seem like it, right? | ||
Yeah, it doesn't seem like it. | ||
What are you going to do with that old car? | ||
This is the car. | ||
It's a beautiful car. | ||
Look at that thing. | ||
I love those old... | ||
And that's... | ||
You know, my little car is... | ||
That's a 71? | ||
That looks like a late 70s to me. | ||
No, it's a flat hood. | ||
The long hood, rather. | ||
The long hood models are like 68, 67, 68 to like 73. That's his name, Jack Olsen. | ||
It's a really fucking cool video because this is a guy that didn't have any background in it. | ||
That's his fucking garage. | ||
He built all this. | ||
He built the whole garage. | ||
And he just decided, look, I'll just slowly get into it and understand it. | ||
And he has different arrow. | ||
Like, see that giant wing? | ||
That's arrow that he puts on only when he's at the racetrack. | ||
So he can unbolt it and do it. | ||
He uses this car for everything. | ||
He uses this car to go get groceries. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
Look at the back end. | ||
Yeah, that looks like... | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's a fucking beautiful car. | ||
Those cars are so light, too. | ||
That car's like 2,000, 2,400 pounds. | ||
He flared out the fenders, though, right? | ||
No. | ||
No, the RSR from that era had flared out fenders. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
Yeah, well, they had to have fat rear fenders and fat rear tires because the engine's in the back and those things snap around when you're taking turns because the balance is way off. | ||
Like, the engine is hanging out behind the rear wheels. | ||
It's not a mid-engine car, it's a rear-engine car, which is extremely rare. | ||
Like, only Porsche really does it. | ||
And so you get something called lift throttle oversteer. | ||
When you're in a turn, you have to keep the pedal on. | ||
You have to keep the gas going when you're in a turn. | ||
If you let off the turn... | ||
The momentum, the rear end just pops out and you get oversteer. | ||
You spin around in a circle. | ||
So they used to call the turbos widow makers because the way they used to have those old cars, they used to have those really shitty tires. | ||
He's got new modern compound tires on that thing, so it probably sticks like glue. | ||
But the old tires were dog shit. | ||
They were terrible. | ||
So you'd have this super powerful engine, the weird dynamics where the engine's hanging out behind the axle. | ||
I never thought about that. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Oh, they're so much fun to drive. | ||
They're so much fun to drive. | ||
They're so engaging. | ||
I love taking it to the store because by the time I get to the store, my brain's firing. | ||
It's like popping because I've been shifting. | ||
It's all mechanical. | ||
It's air-cooled. | ||
And it's not a very, like that red car is not a very fast car. | ||
Like a modern car, like a Tesla is way faster than it. | ||
But what it is, is it's alive. | ||
It's like you feel the gears. | ||
Like when you're shifting, you put that sucker in a second. | ||
It's just very visceral, you know? | ||
Yeah. | ||
I drove a buddy's Tesla one time. | ||
That was fucking ridiculous. | ||
They're so stupid fast. | ||
Yeah, no, my head was tingling like I sent blood rushing to the back. | ||
And he just had the one motor. | ||
And every guy I know that has Tesla, a handful, I should say, they all got invited to the factory when they got the motor on the front wheel and the back wheel. | ||
And all of them said no to that car, going, dude, I would fucking die if I got that. | ||
It was like... | ||
Almost like superbike motorcycle fast. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like a racing motorcycle level fast. | ||
It's 0 to 60 in like 2 point something seconds. | ||
And then they have that new one, that Roadster that's coming out, that's 1 point something seconds. | ||
unidentified
|
1 point something seconds, 0 to 60. Yeah, you're in a missile. | |
I mean, it's the only way to put it. | ||
Like, God forbid somebody's foot slips off the brake onto the gas. | ||
You're going to obliterate a street full of people. | ||
Man, it's fucking crazy. | ||
It is crazy. | ||
It's bad enough somebody does that on a bike. | ||
You can do that on a car with all that weight. | ||
And those Teslas are heavy as shit because of that battery, I guess. | ||
Which I didn't really... | ||
I would think because there was no powertrain or anything that it would be lighter. | ||
But I guess that battery is like super heavy. | ||
They're heavy as shit and they don't make any noise. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Which is even weirder. | ||
So they're coming at you. | ||
You don't even know. | ||
Yeah, they're kind of awesome. | ||
You know what? | ||
I don't like the front end. | ||
There's no grill. | ||
The front end's boring. | ||
It is kind of boring. | ||
Kind of boring looking, yeah. | ||
But the new one isn't. | ||
The Roadster. | ||
Have you seen the Roadster? | ||
No, I want to see that. | ||
Pull up that. | ||
unidentified
|
Hey, can I promote the Patrice thing? | |
Yeah, fuck yeah. | ||
What do we got? | ||
It's February 19th. | ||
What would this be? | ||
Look at this. | ||
The 8th annual. | ||
Tesla's new emissions testing mode will produce loud, nasty farts on demand. | ||
It makes farts? | ||
They added a fart app this week. | ||
Oh, that's so ridiculous. | ||
It's got seven different farts, or six different fart sounds, and then one automatic. | ||
You can set it to different buttons, like a turn signal. | ||
So it makes sounds? | ||
And then it makes smell, too? | ||
unidentified
|
No smell. | |
It's just a sound emission. | ||
Oh, okay, okay. | ||
That's just stupid. | ||
Anyways, the Patrice O'Neal car that farts. | ||
When is the benefit? | ||
February 19th at the New York City Center and what do we got here? | ||
I shut off my damn phone. | ||
We got Michelle Wolf, Jim Gaffigan. | ||
I got it here. | ||
I already forget. | ||
Cypher Sounds, myself, Rich Voss. | ||
It's all coming back here. | ||
Big Jay. | ||
Big Jay Oakerson, Gary Goldman, Chris Redd. | ||
That's a fucking hell of a lineup. | ||
Yes, sir. | ||
Hell of a lineup. | ||
unidentified
|
Yes, sir. | |
Beautiful. | ||
We're going to try to add a couple more people to it. | ||
It's at the New York City Center, Tuesday, February 19th. | ||
All proceeds go to his family. | ||
It's been such a great thing. | ||
His mom's been able to get a condo and everything. | ||
We basically, with that thing, we take care of everybody that he was taking care of. | ||
The mission was basically all his family should have to deal with is the grief. | ||
I always think that that's enough. | ||
And the reason why we continue to do it every year is because his family members are still alive. | ||
And I always hated that when somebody died. | ||
It's just, hey, we do one time. | ||
Here's a sack of money. | ||
Try to make this last for the next 30 to 60 years of your lives. | ||
And then also because he was the best stand-up that I ever saw live. | ||
And just keeping his name... | ||
You know, I always think that when anytime somebody says, oh, you're one of the top blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, and I always think, well, you know, Patrice and Hedberg and all of these fucking guys. | ||
Dude, Freddie Soto, what he would have done. | ||
Yeah, I was just thinking about Freddie. | ||
I was just thinking about that when you said that, that maybe we should do one of those for Freddie's family. | ||
Yeah, Freddie was like... | ||
He was brilliant. | ||
Oh, and he would imitate his dad and shit. | ||
Regardless! | ||
No, it was like... | ||
Yeah, he would hurt the crowd. | ||
He was a good fucking guy, too. | ||
Yeah, he was. | ||
Every time you saw Freddy Soto, he's all about hugs. | ||
Yeah, he was a good dude. | ||
Last time I saw him, we were working in... | ||
Remember the Aspen Comedy Festival? | ||
Yeah, I remember that. | ||
And I didn't see him the last couple years. | ||
Maybe I saw him out in L.A., but that was the time that I remembered because we were kind of in the same group, you know, Group B, Group A, or whatever. | ||
So... | ||
Yeah, he was walking around. | ||
I think he was buying something for his wife or his kid or something like that. | ||
That one. | ||
Jesus. | ||
You know, you heard so many. | ||
Out of all of them, he was one. | ||
I was just like, Freddy? | ||
Freddy died? | ||
I couldn't believe that. | ||
Sleep apnea, apparently. | ||
Sleep apnea and pills to go to sleep. | ||
You know, take Ambien if you have sleep apnea. | ||
You lock up and you just stop breathing. | ||
Sleep apnea is a real fucking problem. | ||
I have it. | ||
I take a mouthpiece. | ||
I put a mouthpiece in at night when I go to sleep and it keeps my tongue from falling back on my throat. | ||
A lot of athletes have it. | ||
The bigger your neck gets, the more muscle tissue you have in your neck, the more it closes off your air hole when you go to sleep. | ||
There's a lot of meat in there. | ||
Well, stop doing the neck shit then, dude. | ||
What are you doing? | ||
What are you doing, like a barbell and just tie it to the side of your fucking head? | ||
Who needs neck muscles? | ||
It's a side effect of working out. | ||
You just get a big neck. | ||
Dude, you do these, no one can strangle you. | ||
That is what it is. | ||
For real. | ||
Well, someone can definitely still strangle you, but it helps a lot. | ||
If you get a hold of a regular neck, regular necks just comply. | ||
They just give in. | ||
Can you please call your next special regular neck? | ||
I guarantee no one's going to try and accidentally take that title. | ||
That's true! | ||
Regular Neck. | ||
Regular Neck. | ||
Joe Rogan. | ||
Regular Neck. | ||
It's hard coming up with a good name for a special. | ||
Somebody told me you were doing... | ||
Are you saying that you're going to do your next one independent? | ||
Are you going to do it independent? | ||
No, I don't know how I'm going to do it. | ||
I'm exploring all the options and all of that. | ||
I'm trying... | ||
I was trying to figure out a way to, you know, because there's just a ton of specials out there. | ||
I was just trying to figure out a way, but I mean, you know... | ||
When was the last time you filmed? | ||
October 2016. So I'm due. | ||
I'm due. | ||
But it's like, am I due? | ||
I don't know. | ||
I don't know. | ||
Like, I don't... | ||
What it is is the special has changed since you and I started. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Where a special was special. | ||
Now what it is is it's just kind of an hour-long advertisement letting people know that you're still out there. | ||
And it's like this just... | ||
It documents your stuff, though. | ||
Yeah, it does. | ||
But there's just such a sheer amount of... | ||
Stuff to see. | ||
To have an impact the way... | ||
I was trying to think. | ||
Maybe the last one that really was just like, whoa. | ||
And I would say it would be maybe Dave Chappelle killing him softly. | ||
Certainly Chris Rock bring the pain. | ||
Where it was just like... | ||
I'm not saying there weren't ones that people talked about, but just that thing where... | ||
Do you remember when we were kids, it was just like, Friday, hey man, see you on Monday. | ||
And then somehow on Monday, everybody saw Delirious, or everybody saw Dice. | ||
Or everybody saw Sam Kinison on the Dangerfield thing. | ||
And it was just like, no one was talking about it. | ||
And then just like, there was only so many channels. | ||
And that thing just caught enough people's eye. | ||
And you came to school Monday and everyone was just talking about it. | ||
Like, you know, I'm still getting fucking tweets from people saying, Hey, I finally got around to watching Breaking Bad. | ||
unidentified
|
And it's... | |
You know what I mean? | ||
Or like I was talking about The Wire one time. | ||
They're like, dude, you could have said spoiler alert. | ||
It's like, that fucking went off the air in like 2006. Like, how much time do I have to give you to watch it, you know? | ||
So, um... | ||
I still haven't seen The Wire. | ||
Dude, my buddy, his son, the number one thing that he watches is on his phone, he's watching one of these guys that gets paid to play video games. | ||
He watches this guy on his phone play video games. | ||
Everybody does that. | ||
Okay, so... | ||
Super common. | ||
Yes. | ||
So, now that's another thing to watch. | ||
Exactly. | ||
Forget about online porn and fucking me watching Eric the Car Guy and all that. | ||
Trying to, like... | ||
Find where you can drop the pamphlets of your career, basically, to be like, hey man, I'm still around. | ||
I think there's definitely more content now than ever before, but in terms of the amount of stand-up that's available, there's never been more great stand-up available to watch. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Think about how many specials there are now. | ||
I mean, it's fucking crazy. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
It really is. | ||
It is. | ||
Yeah, so they're not really specials. | ||
They're not specials. | ||
They're not specials because specials used to be the top comics. | ||
Now, arguably, it was basically the top white male comics. | ||
So the fact that they fixed that is a great thing. | ||
unidentified
|
Was it, though? | |
I mean, Chris Rock, Dave Chappelle, Damon Wayans. | ||
Yeah, dude, there was a lot of white guys. | ||
There was a lot of white guys, but there was a lot of great black guys, too. | ||
The real problem was women. | ||
There wasn't very many women. | ||
I mean, there's like, women are like three specials. | ||
There's Asians, there's Apaches, there's other people out there doing stand-up specials. | ||
unidentified
|
Apaches? | |
Apaches are doing stand-up? | ||
There's gotta be. | ||
Anyways, but what I'm saying was, but it was the best of the best, where now it's just everybody, it's everybody. | ||
Right, right. | ||
So like, I remember when it was changing, I was doing a club, and And the feature act was complaining that he didn't get a half-hour special on one of these networks. | ||
And I'm thinking, like, you're a feature act. | ||
Like, what are you going to do? | ||
You're going to do your whole act? | ||
And you're still a feature and you want to document that? | ||
And it's just like... | ||
They used to give out half-hour specials when I started out, and it was to guys who had been on the road for 15 years, and they were picking from their headlining hour. | ||
They were taking half of that, like the best bits from an hour, and that somehow, through time... | ||
Just became a feature going up and doing his whole act. | ||
Well, Netflix is doing that now. | ||
They have the Degenerate special. | ||
They have... | ||
Big Jay did one. | ||
Joey Diaz did one. | ||
Christina Positsky did one. | ||
I'm not saying it's bad. | ||
I'm just saying it's changed. | ||
Right. | ||
So because it's even changed since my last special that I put out, my last advertisement that I put out, hour-long advertising. | ||
So you just try to figure out... | ||
Because everything's just fucking changing so fast, you're just trying to navigate, like, where can I put this in all of this that it's going to blink enough that someone's going to stare at it and maybe, like, watch the thing. | ||
I just noticed your fucking lights with the sky. | ||
That's pretty cool. | ||
Pretty cool, right? | ||
Yes. | ||
What's the company that makes those? | ||
Octolights? | ||
Shout out to Octolights. | ||
Yeah, um... | ||
Gaffigan did an interesting thing. | ||
He decided not to put his newest one on Netflix. | ||
He puts it on everything. | ||
It's on Hulu and Amazon. | ||
You can get it on iTunes, but not Netflix. | ||
Yeah, he's a smart guy. | ||
Well, he just took a chance, I guess. | ||
You know, just decided to see what happens if you just make it available everywhere instead. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I'd like to talk to him, see how successful that was. | ||
Yeah, because I'm still working out my strategy. | ||
I'll talk to you off air about it because it fucks with my ability to make something happen. | ||
So I'll tell you what my idea was that got nixed. | ||
I've thought about doing it and just put it right on YouTube. | ||
I've thought about doing that before. | ||
Just not getting paid for it, just shoving it right on YouTube. | ||
Just see what happens. | ||
Yeah, just paying for it and just sticking it out there. | ||
Because if it is an advertisement, what's the best way to get it out there? | ||
Well, the best way would just be to put it on YouTube. | ||
And then to segment it into little chunks so that people could digest it in bits. | ||
People wind up doing that. | ||
I don't think Netflix takes them down. | ||
I think when you have bits up from specials that go up on Netflix, I think Netflix just lets them stay up. | ||
It just depends on what your... | ||
What your contract is, because you can work that in. | ||
We did a special with Paul Verzi, All Things Comedy Network. | ||
We did a special with him, which did phenomenal, like broke all their online streaming records. | ||
And it was great because he was a guy that they don't really give special to right now. | ||
Who did he do the special for? | ||
Comedy Central. | ||
Oh, nice. | ||
So the streaming version was really successful. | ||
Yeah, I mean, he did well on... | ||
Well, now, trying to get people to actually just fucking sit down and watch television. | ||
Like, everybody... | ||
You tape shit. | ||
That's just how it works. | ||
Which is now, if you watch NFL games, they have this thing now where the game's going on and all of a sudden the game slides to the left and then there's two boxes and the advertising box is bigger because they know that everybody's taping games and they're blowing through it And advertisers somehow can tell if someone fast-forwarded through and then the NFL doesn't make as much money, so now they're running like this. | ||
It's weird. | ||
There's these two things. | ||
So you don't really have to look at the commercial. | ||
You can just sit there looking at the game, but then they're telling you about fucking whatever. | ||
At the same time. | ||
Yeah, it's weird. | ||
That's gross. | ||
It's gross, but is it? | ||
I mean, that's how, you know, I make money off advertising. | ||
It's like, my thing, what's gross is how you're, you know, if you're dumping shit in the water supply, if you got, like, all kinds of, like, you know, I mean, I think they all have some sort of labor fucking issues. | ||
I would like to be able to pay. | ||
I would like to be able to pay to not have that. | ||
Like, if I could Amazon one-click them, like, how much I gotta give you for each game? | ||
Well, I don't have to see that. | ||
Yeah, but they'll give you five bucks. | ||
But what the advertisers will do is their pockets are deeper and they're going to go big. | ||
What's funny is when the internet started out, all of a sudden you went from seeing all these commercials to nothing to now seeing way more than you ever saw. | ||
Yeah. | ||
The worst is when you're watching a long YouTube video and then all of a sudden it just stops. | ||
And, you know, they try to make a nice break, and then you just watch this. | ||
And it annoys me, but I'm like, well, I do advertise on my podcast. | ||
How upset about this can I get? | ||
You know, I don't know. | ||
You know when you look at the line, and you see those little yellow lines on the YouTube video where you know that's where the fucking ads are going to pop up? | ||
Like, oh, there it is. | ||
No, I didn't know that. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Isn't that how it works? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah, I mean, look, advertising is what it is. | ||
I mean, it's either that or you do like a Patreon-type deal where you have people contribute. | ||
Like, Sam Harris does that. | ||
Right. | ||
There's a million ways to do it, but I don't get mad at advertising because, like I said, a stand-up special is me advertising that I'm going to be out on the road. | ||
You say that, but it's not. | ||
It's entertainment. | ||
People that watch it, they can enjoy it. | ||
No one's thinking about it that way. | ||
But there's a way also to do advertising entertainingly. | ||
Way back, those Les Filling Tastes Great, Miller-like commercials were fucking great. | ||
Funny. | ||
They were great. | ||
And you wanted to see them, and you loved them. | ||
Or at least I did. | ||
There's ways to do everything. | ||
They still have some good commercials. | ||
What's that insurance lady who's always in those commercials? | ||
What is that? | ||
unidentified
|
Flow. | |
Yeah, Flo. | ||
She's fucking funny. | ||
There's some funny commercials still. | ||
But it's, you know, it's hard. | ||
I know Seinfeld was actually thinking about opening up an insurance agency at one point in time. | ||
Because he apparently likes writing stuff like that. | ||
And he was literally thinking about... | ||
Oh, an advertising agency. | ||
What did I say? | ||
Insurance? | ||
Insurance, yeah. | ||
Yeah, advertising. | ||
He was thinking about doing that at one point in time. | ||
Yeah. | ||
About making ads. | ||
Then he was probably like, wait a minute, I don't want to have a real job. | ||
Yeah, I was like, how much money do I need? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
At a certain point in time. | ||
Guys like that make me feel normal with car collecting. | ||
Like when I went to Jay Leno's place, he's got 11 buildings filled with cars. | ||
I'm like, oh, okay. | ||
I see where this goes. | ||
Yes. | ||
I've got to give myself a number. | ||
I've never been over there, but he has enough cars to start his own traffic jam. | ||
He could fill up the 405, one side of it, I would think. | ||
He could fill up the Pasadena Rose Bowl. | ||
He could fill up the fucking parking lot. | ||
It's ridiculous. | ||
I'll take you. | ||
You want to go? | ||
Yeah, but I'm... | ||
Fuck, you'd love it. | ||
Does he have... | ||
Bring your truck. | ||
Does he have more cars than days of the year? | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Because I know he also has, like, motorcycles. | ||
Oh, he's got... | ||
unidentified
|
He's got hundreds of cars. | |
That's another one. | ||
That's another one I went down the rabbit hole is... | ||
Was it Jay's Garage? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Great show. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
I loved it. | ||
No, I... Yeah, I got into all the Gas Monkey Garage, Jay's Garage... | ||
I'm getting that Gas Monkey guy on the show. | ||
Oh, Richard Rawlings. | ||
Yeah, I just got an email yesterday. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, dude, that guy's a fucking riot. | |
I love that guy. | ||
Ask him about my favorite episode. | ||
My favorite fucking episode of that. | ||
Because he always, like, I watched that show so much, I knew the number he was going to come at. | ||
Like, they'd be like, okay, what do you want for this guy? | ||
And he'd always get them to say it first. | ||
And they'd be like, I mean, I was thinking like five grand. | ||
And then he'd be like, oh, man, he's five grand, man. | ||
I can't. | ||
I mean, I mean. | ||
I could do like $2,700, right? | ||
And then the fucking guy would then go down to $4,000 and he would come up like $300. | ||
And he'd end up getting in the car for like $3,000. | ||
Like whatever the fuck you wanted, right? | ||
So one time, he went out and he busted this guy down on like an old Trans Am or a Firebird or some shit. | ||
I forget what. | ||
The guy sells it to him for like fucking... | ||
He wanted like $18,000 or something. | ||
He sold it to him for like $11,000. | ||
So he fucking gets the car over there. | ||
He's talking about what he's going to do with it. | ||
And all of a sudden, the guy's brother calls up and says, hey, that guy didn't have the fucking right to sell that car. | ||
That's also mine. | ||
You got to, you know, I'm going to come down. | ||
I got to buy it back from you. | ||
So the guy comes down and he's, you know, asking what he wants for it. | ||
And Richard's just like, I mean, I was thinking like 20. And the guy goes, he goes, dude, you bought it for my brother. | ||
I know what you paid for it. | ||
He actually got embarrassed. | ||
He's like, oh, man, that's all right. | ||
It's the only time I ever saw him get embarrassed. | ||
He just went into his thing. | ||
I swear to God, watching that show, you get better at negotiating. | ||
Occasionally, he does these sketches, too, where he'll do a character imitating an old-school used car salesman. | ||
How good he does it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because, you know, it's not like he's a performer or an actor or anything. | ||
How good he does it, it's like this guy is like... | ||
This is just in his blood. | ||
He's just been a car guy. | ||
He's been flipping cars. | ||
I'm trying to... | ||
I haven't seen the show in a minute, but he used to talk about how he... | ||
By the time he was like 19, he was on his 30th car or something. | ||
He was just like, I like that car. | ||
I'm going to buy this car. | ||
I like that one. | ||
And every month would just flip them. | ||
Those cars... | ||
There's something about those shows that... | ||
Those in auction shows or any time like pawn shop shows, there's something about wanting to know how the deal plays out. | ||
That is so compelling for people. | ||
And I'm a moron. | ||
I'll just sit there staring like, how much are they going to get? | ||
How much are they going to get for that? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Look at that, Civil War coins? | ||
What are those worth? | ||
And how much they bust him down and just like, yeah, I mean, that guy, Richard's probably the best I've seen. | ||
He's the most entertaining because he's like a fun guy to watch. | ||
It's a performance. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
He's like, oh, man, I mean, I was thinking, oh, man, I don't know. | |
Yeah, and then he goes up there and he pulls out this giant wad. | ||
It's like, dude, you had it. | ||
You had the money. | ||
And the other guy has to sit there and watch it. | ||
Then he kind of makes fun of him afterwards. | ||
Yeah. | ||
In a funny way or whatever. | ||
It's a funny thing, too, how appealing that is to men. | ||
I bet if you looked at the number of women who watch those car shows versus the number of men. | ||
Motor Trend has a channel now. | ||
They have their own channel. | ||
And I guarantee you, that is 97% dudes and 3% women complaining. | ||
3% women going, what the fuck are you watching? | ||
If you looked at the actual numbers, what is it about cars? | ||
Girls can drive cars. | ||
Girls drive cars all the time. | ||
Girls like cars. | ||
They don't like cars the way guys like cars. | ||
It's just most of them. | ||
Generally speaking, yeah. | ||
Outside of Danica Patrick and a few psychos. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I met her one time. | ||
Yeah, I saw a picture with you. | ||
Yeah, she did. | ||
She took me around the Indianapolis Motor Speedways. | ||
unidentified
|
No! | |
Coming down that straightaway and seeing where they have the leaderboard and everything was iconic. | ||
And I've been to that race a couple of times. | ||
So it was crazy. | ||
How fast were you going? | ||
She only went like half the speed of what the car, how fast they would be going or something. | ||
We got up to maybe like 140, but we were going around turns and my face was doing this. | ||
But what I loved about her... | ||
She had like test pilot vibe. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like she came up and it was just vice, like handshake and shit. | ||
She's a beast. | ||
Yeah, it was pretty... | ||
Look at this! | ||
There you guys are. | ||
Yeah, she was just totally like... | ||
Look at the difference of her sunglasses and my sunglasses. | ||
I definitely look... | ||
I have passenger sunglasses, you know? | ||
What are you talking about? | ||
They look the same. | ||
No, no, no. | ||
Those are like right off the fucking shelf. | ||
What's wrong with your sunglasses versus hers? | ||
You'll see it. | ||
It's all in the details. | ||
Come on, man. | ||
It's like me, you know... | ||
I probably, you know, your crescent kick probably looks the same as fucking some guy in a strip mall to me. | ||
That's hilarious you say crescent kick. | ||
That's one of the rarest kicks that anybody ever pulls off. | ||
It's leftover from the 80s. | ||
Whatever. | ||
It's kind of legit. | ||
Crescent kick's kind of legit. | ||
My only thing about Mecham is after a while it just all becomes like Shelby. | ||
Mecham auctions, yeah. | ||
Yeah, and Hemi's. | ||
Hemicuda! | ||
We got a Hemicuda coming up in plum crazy! | ||
Those fucking things are too much. | ||
You buy those things for a million dollars, and when their car came out, it was like 20 grand. | ||
I mean, not even. | ||
But I like weird shit. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I want to get a 76 GMC RV. That's what I want to go on the road with. | ||
Then they had this thing. | ||
I think it was called Palm Desert Green or something like that. | ||
It was like this total Ron Burgundy... | ||
Look at that! | ||
Yeah, look at that thing. | ||
Click on the interior, dude. | ||
And that thing was way ahead of its time. | ||
Way ahead of its time. | ||
That's amazing. | ||
Look at that fucking piece of shit. | ||
That's not a piece of shit. | ||
That's fucking tremendous. | ||
Look at the captain's chair, dude. | ||
They swivel! | ||
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
Dude, let me tell you something. | ||
You walk off stage and get on that fucking thing? | ||
You feel like a king. | ||
You got a driver? | ||
What do you give a fuck? | ||
You don't give a fuck about anything. | ||
I could be on the road forever in that. | ||
Just making eggs on that little stovetop? | ||
No, you're in there drinking. | ||
You're doing what you want. | ||
You're watching Goodfellas. | ||
They're fucking Anchorman. | ||
That is pretty beautiful. | ||
Well, it's an experience, too. | ||
You're riding that thing. | ||
That's a retro experience. | ||
That's not just a truck. | ||
Yeah. | ||
My wife nixed it. | ||
She's like, where are you going to put it? | ||
I was like, oh, the fucking driver will keep it. | ||
I don't need it. | ||
She was right. | ||
My wife's always right. | ||
Not always, but mostly. | ||
Women don't like when you collect shit. | ||
Like, where are you going to put that? | ||
They don't like that. | ||
You get too many things. | ||
That's half the reason why I got this place. | ||
Collect shit here. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Nobody can say nothing. | ||
This spot, no one says nothing. | ||
unidentified
|
No, but then it becomes, you spend more time down there than you do up here. | |
I don't, though. | ||
I got it nailed. | ||
I figured it out. | ||
Get up early. | ||
unidentified
|
You're being such a jerk. | |
That's why they don't have a point. | ||
I don't. | ||
I can actually refute your opinion. | ||
Your point, or whatever. | ||
It's so universal, too. | ||
All women have that response. | ||
unidentified
|
Like, what the fuck is wrong with you? | |
Yeah. | ||
They only had a highway. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
That's it. | ||
Well, imagine being them, watching you. | ||
Imagine being a woman, taking care of your children. | ||
You know, you give birth. | ||
You get this little tiny infant. | ||
And then, financially, you're relying on this fucking maniac who's out there flying helicopters and fixing cars and playing drums all day. | ||
He's like, what are you... | ||
As long as the money keeps coming in, they can't say anything. | ||
But they're like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
At the end of the day, you married an eight-year-old. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
You want to marry a comedian? | ||
Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
You're lucky we don't have drug addicts. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
No, I'm... | ||
I gotta work on myself, man. | ||
I gotta fucking... | ||
I am a difficult person to live with, evidently. | ||
I didn't realize it, but I'm now looking at it honestly, stepping back and looking. | ||
I go, yeah, I can see that. | ||
I can fucking see that. | ||
Yeah, I've thought about it. | ||
I'm definitely difficult. | ||
Well, if you don't think about it, they'll remind you about it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But I mean, I would just imagine relying on me. | ||
I mean, I'm reliable. | ||
Like, I'm not... | ||
I want to be like, look, if you could have married the me that worked in a fucking warehouse, then I would have been the same thing, you know? | ||
And we would be in a fucking studio apartment. | ||
Here's the deal, though. | ||
They wouldn't have married you. | ||
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
They would have found someone better. | ||
Yeah. | ||
If you were just fucking off, never got your shit together. | ||
No, you know what it is about women, too, is their ability to move on. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
Like, I've always said, like, if I ever fucking died, how quickly all my clothes would be down at the Goodwill, you know? | ||
And she'd just be like, you know, sell the house, let's just burn some sage. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That was interesting. | ||
All right. | ||
Well, all my- Next up to the plate. | ||
All my discussions with biologists and people who study, like, what's Gadsad's, what is his discipline? | ||
Behavioral psychology. | ||
But he studies, you know, motivation. | ||
His name is Gadsad? | ||
Is that his last name or is his full name? | ||
S-A-A-D. G-A-D. That's his first name, Gad. | ||
S-A-A-D is his last name. | ||
Does it rhyme? | ||
Does it also rhyme? | ||
Lebanese-Canadian-evolutionary-behavioral-scientist. | ||
Brilliant guy. | ||
unidentified
|
He was on the podcast yesterday. | |
So in Lebanon, does his name still rhyme? | ||
That's a good question. | ||
Is there anywhere he can go? | ||
My name's Gadsad. | ||
No. | ||
He calls himself the Gadfather. | ||
He's a great guy. | ||
Oh, so he just steered into it. | ||
He's a great guy. | ||
unidentified
|
I can imagine when he was 13. But brilliant when he's talking about... | |
My last name's Sad! | ||
Why would you name me Gad, Mom? | ||
Gad, sad. | ||
I don't think sad means the same thing over there. | ||
You know? | ||
unidentified
|
Different language. | |
At the end of the day, it rhymes. | ||
There's no country you can be on. | ||
You could be on that fucking little island where they shot that guy with the arrows and they're going to make fun of you. | ||
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
They'll probably kick you off the island. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
You can't name your kids. | ||
Some of these celebrities, some of the fucking names they name their kids, it's just like, don't you remember school? | ||
You don't remember how fucking mean kids were? | ||
Why are you painting a fucking... | ||
I get it. | ||
You're creative. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Have a meditation room. | ||
Fucking don't do that with the name. | ||
unidentified
|
I know. | |
Give him a nice Bill name. | ||
unidentified
|
William. | |
This is Folding Chair Johnson. | ||
People need to express themselves. | ||
They do it through the naming of their children. | ||
My other favorite thing that they do is when they fucking... | ||
They put their political agenda on them. | ||
Like, the kid doesn't even have a fucking chance. | ||
Like, this whole thing, like, uh... | ||
Gender roles. | ||
Babies. | ||
By the way, that... | ||
My little experience being a dad going to kid birthday parties, those kids are not old enough for that behavior to be learned. | ||
Dude, the kids come, the boys show up, it is fucking Braveheart. | ||
They come over the fucking hill. | ||
The girls are social. | ||
They're sitting there, they're kind of, they're taking things in. | ||
You know, the kids, boys come and they fucking... | ||
Dude, we were at one on Saturday... | ||
And there was this kid who's hilarious. | ||
He looked like a little Bobby Hurley. | ||
He was a point guard, right? | ||
And he was playing this game. | ||
He had, like, this ball. | ||
And he was using his, like, forearms as a bat. | ||
And he was hitting it. | ||
Then he would catch it. | ||
Then he would throw it between his legs. | ||
And he was doing all this. | ||
This kid's hand-eye coordination was great for his age. | ||
So over in the corner where I was sitting with my daughter was these, like, little, like, sort of, like, cushions that someone had put together. | ||
Like, three-piece thing. | ||
And made it into, like, a little chair so an old person like me could sit down. | ||
So I stood up because I was worried the ball was going to hit. | ||
So I was kind of guarding that. | ||
So he went over and grabbed the ball at one point and just seeing the chair there, you know, all built like that, he just saw it and just kicked it and just destroyed it and then continued on. | ||
I was thinking like, why did he do that? | ||
Because he's a boy. | ||
He's a boy, yeah. | ||
We like ruin shit. | ||
Well, you got a lot of energy. | ||
Little kids need something to do that's physical. | ||
Their little bodies have their little batteries overflowing with energy. | ||
You got to give them stuff to do. | ||
I'm just saying that their shit was all about grabbing, throwing, breaking. | ||
unidentified
|
Smashing, yeah. | |
Breaking. | ||
Yeah, do you remember being a kid? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Everybody did that. | ||
It's normal. | ||
This whole thing of like, well, women aren't aggressive like that. | ||
Because, you know... | ||
Society standards. | ||
Yeah, I think it's... | ||
They're aggressive in like... | ||
I think that they literally from like just survival shit. | ||
They're looking at like, alright, that's what I have to compete with. | ||
And there are... | ||
You see them looking at the boys. | ||
Who appear to be dominating. | ||
And what they are is they're actually showing all of their cards. | ||
And the little girls are already taking it in, breaking them down. | ||
Knowing, well, I can't get physical with this person. | ||
I can't, like, dominate this person physically. | ||
This is definitely... | ||
And they just immediately start going like, that's why they're fucking smarter than we are. | ||
I think. | ||
No? | ||
Did I lose you somewhere in that? | ||
I don't necessarily think they're smarter. | ||
I think what's going on is that men have different DNA and the genes are aggressive. | ||
And men are supposed to be doing reckless shit. | ||
Right. | ||
I'm just saying it's not society didn't sit down. | ||
unidentified
|
No, it's not. | |
They didn't watch three serial commercials and then be like, oh, I need to be fucking this. | ||
I just think that's... | ||
That's just some bullshit that adults came up with. | ||
It's not just adults. | ||
It's almost always women. | ||
It's women that think that there's something wrong with the way men are raising their sons. | ||
They think there's something like this idea of these men... | ||
Raising these kids these kids being aggressive is because the way they've been coached. | ||
That's not true It's just that's just a part of being a boy There's a shit ton of studies if people wanted to actually look at the science If you leave boys alone with toys and girls alone with toys boys will gravitate towards trucks and fucking You know things that they can hit and smash and girls sit down there with little teacups and they play with dolls It's natural. | ||
It's just a hundred percent natural There was a documentary on theybes. | ||
Theybes are gender neutral, raising their kids gender neutral so they don't call them a boy or a girl. | ||
And my thing with that is there's no way you're not saying to your son, you're sure you don't want to wear the dress? | ||
And then the kid wants the parents' approval. | ||
Yeah, I didn't want that football. | ||
I guess I wanted the dress. | ||
And it's just like, like I said... | ||
You know, my kid's barely two, so what the fuck do I know? | ||
I'm just saying my limited experience at kids' birthday parties is... | ||
It's not even... | ||
How it was ever even questioned that, like, they're too fucking... | ||
Too young. | ||
They're fucking year and a half, two years old. | ||
You're telling me that society has already- Exactly. | ||
It's ridiculous. | ||
But it's usually women that want to push this and men who are bitches. | ||
It's like these men that don't like aggressive- They're the worst. | ||
They don't like aggressive men. | ||
They don't like manly men. | ||
And so they push it as well. | ||
No, because they're aggressive and they're controlling and they want to run shit. | ||
Because that's the thing. | ||
If you really look at their agenda, when they say the future is feminine, that's not inclusive. | ||
And they're all about, oh, make this more inclusive. | ||
It's like, no, let us in so we can take it over and then we'll push you down. | ||
Is the psychology of the kind of person that goes after that, someone that's after power. | ||
I'm not saying the average woman is like that. | ||
My wife is a feminist and she's into inclusive shit. | ||
But people who are spearheading stuff. | ||
Yes. | ||
Like, those people are wired the same way, like, you know, I mean... | ||
A dominator is. | ||
Yes. | ||
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
And there's going to be no room for... | ||
It's going to be like, think the way... | ||
Like, a lot of that so-called progressive extreme left is, think the way we think, say what we say, or we will fucking destroy you. | ||
Pull up that tweet that I retweeted today. | ||
The David Pakman retweet. | ||
David Pakman is this liberal progressive guy. | ||
This woman posts on Twitter she would never vote for a white man or a white person. | ||
Someone who's white or male. | ||
He says that's racist and sexist. | ||
It is. | ||
So she blocks him on Twitter. | ||
Today she called Boston College demanding that they not have him back as adjunct faculty. | ||
It's crazy. | ||
So this woman posts this, and he points out that it's racist and sexist. | ||
So she blocks him and she tries to get him fired. | ||
Okay, this is why that whole thing is fucked up. | ||
Okay, because he's acting like white people exist on an even plane, which is what a lot of people try to do. | ||
He's not necessarily. | ||
He's just saying that what he's saying is racist and sexist. | ||
Yes. | ||
Because she's determining who she's going to vote for based entirely on the race. | ||
Yes, but there's other elements involved. | ||
Like the level that white people, not saying all white people, but white people have fucked over people who are not white. | ||
Forget about poor white people who they've fucked over. | ||
So... | ||
You understand that, but they're both right, but then, like, the fact that she then takes it to the point that because he had the audacity to have a difference of an opinion, that that's the thing now, that now we're going to destroy you and you can't be on this thing. | ||
And then the other level of that is how the corporate entities... | ||
Are so afraid that one fucking nickel is going to roll out the... | ||
Because all of this shit is you're just a paper tiger until you get the big behemoth to listen to you. | ||
And there's all of these fucking things from award shows to this bullshit... | ||
That someone just needs to be like, listen, this guy already apologized. | ||
This is an old fucking thing. | ||
Or, look, you just had a difference of opinion. | ||
This isn't the first time you're going to say something and somebody's going to disagree with you. | ||
That doesn't mean that this guy can't come back. | ||
And you obviously, because of some shit that's happened to you, have an extreme opinion about this guy... | ||
Because of the color of his skin. | ||
It's like there's so many fucked up elements to that, but for some reason you can't, like, if you address that on any level, then you're part of the problem. | ||
Well, it's not just part of the problem. | ||
She's trying to get him fired. | ||
She's trying to get him fired for pointing out that something is racist and sexist. | ||
No, I'm saying if you say what I just said... | ||
Try to look at it 360 as much as I can, which is why I love South Park, because everything that they do, they do at 360, right? | ||
And so I learned a lot from that show, by the way they look at stuff like that, because I don't fucking know everything. | ||
But even just to try to be like, well, hey, you know, insulted him a little bit. | ||
I understand what you're saying, and blah, blah, blah. | ||
You can't fucking do that anymore, because then somebody, you're part of the fucking problem. | ||
No, it's really gotten crazy. | ||
It's gotten to the point, like, I've seen, I'm not going to name names, but I've seen, like, you know, a tweet from a fellow comic telling comics what jokes, you shouldn't talk about this topic. | ||
It's like, who the fuck are you? | ||
It's like, there's already going to be enough people doing that. | ||
You're going to do, like, cannibalism now? | ||
Have you really seen comics say that? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Real comics? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Yeah. | ||
I mean, everybody has their opinion on somebody's fucking act, but I mean, yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's ridiculous. | ||
That's not a real comic. | ||
Well, I wouldn't say that. | ||
They are a real comic. | ||
They just have an opinion I don't agree with. | ||
They can fuck off. | ||
Well, I mean, yeah. | ||
I mean... | ||
I'm trying to have less confrontations in my life here. | ||
That kind of shit drives me crazy though. | ||
What drives me most crazy is this bullying. | ||
Like she's trying to get him fired. | ||
She's trying to get him fired for having an opinion on something that she publicly stated. | ||
Somebody running one of these things has to be like, you know, and it can't just be private. | ||
It has to be a public tweet to say that it's just going too far. | ||
And this fucking thing where you have a difference of an opinion now, and they're just gonna, you know, take your fucking job away. | ||
You know, I ran into this shit, you know, when the Me Too stuff first started coming out, people would try to like, you know, you had to tweet the right fucking thing, and if... | ||
And if you said anything sort of, oh, let's look at the evidence. | ||
God forbid you fucking said that. | ||
It just became like this whole, you're part of the problem. | ||
And then they would try to take you down or someone you were friends with or doing a show with or represented by. | ||
They would try to do like that pressure. | ||
And it was just like... | ||
And all you had to say is like, no, I'm not doing that. | ||
And then it just goes away because you don't have a fucking leg to stand on. | ||
Well, also the people that are doing it, it's a small percentage of a... | ||
It's a very vocal minority. | ||
Unbelievably small. | ||
Unbelievably small. | ||
And, you know, comics, it's like we're literally running for office. | ||
We're out there campaigning for this election that never happens. | ||
And you're going through red states, blue states. | ||
You're going through fucking everything. | ||
And the general consensus of people is like... | ||
Like, dude, that was fucking crazy. | ||
Like, that doesn't make sense. | ||
But no one wants to say it because they're going to get steamrolled. | ||
Well, you saw what happened to Matt Damon, right? | ||
Matt Damon said, we have to make a differentiation between the Harvey Weinsteins in the world and then someone who, you know, like Aziz Ansari, goes on a bad date. | ||
There's a big difference between those two. | ||
unidentified
|
And they attacked him and they tried to get him pulled off of that movie, Ocean's 8. Yeah, and they were acting like killing somebody versus stealing a car. | |
Versus jaywalking. | ||
Literally the whole judicial system is based on what you did is your punishment. | ||
Your parents do that. | ||
Right. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
How bad was what you did? | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's what that sounded like. | ||
Yeah, exactly like that. | ||
And we live in a world now where I have to be measured... | ||
In the way that I say that what he said, you know, affected me. | ||
How I heard it. | ||
unidentified
|
And then I was like, this is just a typical fucking bald white male. | |
And they go in that route. | ||
It's like, you literally sound like what the fuck you're against. | ||
And it's not going to last. | ||
And I feel like it's like the end of the winter. | ||
And people want to go outside and get some sun on their face. | ||
And like, no like... | ||
Taking people by the back of their fucking neck and fucking shoving their face in the shit, you can't sustain that. | ||
No. | ||
You can't sustain it. | ||
It doesn't work. | ||
You don't get people to change by yelling at them. | ||
It doesn't work. | ||
Or bombing them. | ||
Like, what the fuck we're doing? | ||
All you're doing is you're just building up resentment and more people want to fucking take you down. | ||
So... | ||
They don't understand psychology. | ||
So what they think is this is their time. | ||
This is their time to get back at men. | ||
This is their time to yell at men. | ||
This is the time to wear the future's feminine t-shirts. | ||
This is the time to take their stand. | ||
Did you not see the Women's March? | ||
Saw a bunch of people walking. | ||
Listen, I'm not saying the points that they're making don't need to be made. | ||
I'm not saying that their complaints are not just... | ||
It's the execution of it. | ||
Yes. | ||
Where it's like you're going to go through intimidation and destroying people. | ||
Exactly. | ||
People's careers and people... | ||
You have to publicly apologize. | ||
It's so... | ||
It's like... | ||
They're bullying people. | ||
Yes. | ||
Some of the biggest bullies right now, I can't believe it because I'm a lefty, are on my side of the fucking fence. | ||
And, you know, when someone's on your side of the fence and you're looking at them like, you sound like a fucking crazy person, that's when you've entered, like, you know, what was your special? | ||
Strange times? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, it's like... | ||
It is strange. | ||
It is strange because it's... | ||
They feel like they're justified because they feel like with a maniac like Trump in the office that they have to do what they have to do to change the world. | ||
But you don't change the world by yelling at people. | ||
It doesn't work that way. | ||
And there's real points to be made. | ||
There's real points about... | ||
I couldn't imagine being a woman working in an office with a bunch of guys trying to fuck you all the time. | ||
It's got to be a goddamn nightmare. | ||
I can't imagine having a bunch of bosses that literally tell you, you suck my dick, I'll give you a raise. | ||
That happens. | ||
Yes. | ||
It's gotta be hell. | ||
I get it. | ||
I mean, I get it from top to bottom. | ||
Yeah, but you gotta be like an eight, though. | ||
Eight on up to deal with that every day. | ||
I mean, let's be fucking honest. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
There's really... | ||
There's really... | ||
There's really good... | ||
If you got personality. | ||
Hit the gym a lot. | ||
Got a nice ass. | ||
I'm just saying. | ||
You know, it's just like... | ||
Some of that shit is like fucking... | ||
You know... | ||
It's... | ||
I always viewed it like... | ||
Like, you ever watch, like, the behind-the-scenes of, like, a prison? | ||
And the first thing every guy thinks is, like, how the fuck would I not get raped in there, right? | ||
Exactly. | ||
Women have to think that just fucking walking down the street. | ||
So that's how I wrap my head around to be like, wow, okay. | ||
Like, what they're saying is, like... | ||
Because I don't, like... | ||
Like, a lot of the arguments, I'm not like, that doesn't make sense. | ||
What doesn't make sense to me is the children of the corn fucking torches burning and just, like, the way that just, I mean, a lot of people, they do that with, like, our foreign policy. | ||
Like, this whole fucking thing has bankrupted this country. | ||
Every August now, they just shut down the government, which has just become normal. | ||
And all they do to make it, like, okay is they just raise the level of debt that we legally can take on or whatever. | ||
And it's like, alright, let's do this for another year. | ||
And if you question any of that, that means you don't support the troops. | ||
And you're a fucking piece of shit and you need to get the fuck out of here. | ||
And it's like, so much stuff doesn't make sense to me. | ||
Like, I just saw Michelle Obama, they had this fucking tweet of her wearing these glitter thigh-high boots and said, sets Twitter on fire with her $4,000 fucking boots. | ||
And it's just like, you know, do you know the question where she got that money? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
The president makes $500,000 a year. | ||
She blew $4,000 on thigh-high boats. | ||
Don't even talk to me about the fucking book deal and all of that shit. | ||
That fucking guy, his first two public speaking engagement things were with major banks. | ||
And you go out on the road. | ||
Hundreds of thousands of dollars. | ||
And all these fellow Americans are upside down in the house from all those fucking banker cunts who did not get punished in 2008. We want to talk about people who should have had their fucking lives burned down. | ||
Those people. | ||
And these guys, they have their faces in the same fucking pig trough as the guys with the red ties. | ||
And for whatever reason, and I don't know why, they get a pass. | ||
Exactly. | ||
It doesn't make any sense. | ||
How about more serious shit, like drone strikes? | ||
More innocent civilians were killed with drone strikes during Obama's administration. | ||
I know, and that's why they're telling me you're fighting terrorism while you're creating more of it. | ||
Because all I would want to do is just get revenge. | ||
Exactly. | ||
And, you know, I have very simplistic ways of how to get the fuck out of there. | ||
How do you do it? | ||
Well, I mean, I'm not saying the air would be cleaner because I don't know what, like, when you throw a Tesla battery into the fucking ocean, what that does to it. | ||
I'm sure it's fucking horrible. | ||
But I know that they're a one-stop shop over there in the Middle East. | ||
They got oil and that's it, you know? | ||
I always compare them. | ||
Remember that kiosk in, like, the South Shore Plaza in Boston? | ||
There was something. | ||
It was a place called Wicks and Sticks. | ||
All they did was sell candles. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Which just seemed like a really vulnerable business. | ||
Or pewter pot. | ||
First, they just sold muffins. | ||
And then they started doing full breakfasts. | ||
Well, they're like a pewter pot. | ||
They're just selling muffins. | ||
So if we stop buying muffins, we've got enough oil here. | ||
If we switch to solar power and all that shit, I know the windmills are ugly, and I know it's probably just as much fucking bad on the environment. | ||
But what it does is it gets you out of there. | ||
And it bankrupts them, and then they don't have the money to funnel through the moss to fund the terrorists. | ||
Well, the United States is exporting oil now, which is crazy. | ||
We have a lot of oil. | ||
Right. | ||
Especially through fracking. | ||
I'm just saying, but if you ever suggested that, which I think I just did, I think then for some reason I don't love my country and I'm trying to solve it. | ||
I'm a frugal guy. | ||
You know, I don't fucking, you know, I don't spend beyond my means. | ||
And, you know, I don't like debt and that type of shit. | ||
I don't know how the fuck these guys, I think that's why the president ages so much. | ||
Well, they don't get any sleep. | ||
The pressure, you imagine? | ||
The dead bodies. | ||
Everything. | ||
All of that. | ||
Just knowing how everything really works. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Trump doesn't seem to mind. | ||
He just takes an extra Adderall, keeps on trucking. | ||
He doesn't seem like he's... | ||
All the scandals... | ||
That guy seems completely normal. | ||
Because I think he's a certain level sick mentally that it doesn't get in. | ||
Because he hasn't aged at all. | ||
Now, granted... | ||
He's got all that white stuff around his eyes. | ||
I don't know what he's doing with the hair. | ||
But the hair is usually the telltale sign. | ||
Right, it goes gray. | ||
He's one of the only presidents that you know. | ||
Half of that shit's probably from a doll. | ||
Who knows where that hair's even coming from? | ||
Well, he's got enough money to do a transplant at this point, right? | ||
You can't do a transplant on that thing. | ||
He doesn't have any donor area. | ||
What do you mean? | ||
He's got it all in the back, doesn't he? | ||
No, he doesn't. | ||
You ever see what happens when it flies up in the back when the wind hits it? | ||
The back's all bald. | ||
Oh, because he probably did the original plugs and they didn't take. | ||
Who knows what he's got going on back there. | ||
He's got chaos going on back there. | ||
You ever seen it? | ||
Yeah, I mean, he's the president. | ||
The wind hits it and his hair flops up. | ||
But you ever seen the video of him? | ||
It looks like he's a guy wearing a demon. | ||
Yeah, it's wispy. | ||
Like a demon wearing a human mask. | ||
It's very wispy. | ||
Not just wispy. | ||
Like, it's missing. | ||
Like, like. | ||
Like Chernobyl baby. | ||
Do you know what would be nuts? | ||
If he gets a second term and he shaves his head. | ||
That would be nuts. | ||
And he would just look like the most evil fucking dude ever. | ||
That would be like... | ||
If he got a second term, shaves his head, starts doing intermittent fasting, lifting weights, gets on steroids, drops down to about a buck ninety. | ||
Jacked. | ||
Yeah, I mean that would be... | ||
I think, yeah, it's definitely... | ||
I don't know. | ||
That's why I'm trying to just, in my own little fucking world, I'm trying to chill out more and I'm trying not to fucking... | ||
There's just... | ||
There's enough yelling. | ||
I don't think that they need it from me, no. | ||
I'd think more mocking and laughing than yelling, for sure. | ||
But when you see enough of those... | ||
The future is feminine t-shirts and you see enough hypocrisy and you see enough people trying to take people out for Commenting on what's sexist and racist and trying to get people fired like it's a time of outrage across the board And you have to respond a little bit you have to let people know hey, this is fucking ridiculous like there's there's a certain obligation especially Comedians have as a social commentator you see some stupid shit if you're not commenting on it If you choose to go that route. | ||
Some people just like, I'm just going to let you forget your whole work week and I'm just going to talk about a bunch of shit. | ||
Small stuff. | ||
Like Seinfeld type stuff. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I mean, some people don't comment on anything that's controversial. | ||
Some people, they'll go their entire career. | ||
But what I've always loved about Seinfeld is, like, if you really listen to him, he has contempt. | ||
I said this on the Comedians in Cars. | ||
He has contempt for, like, 90% of things. | ||
There's anger underneath this shit. | ||
Brian Regan's like that, too. | ||
Brian Regan used to do that fucking bit about the cattle prod. | ||
You know, the walk stand line on the fucking, the moving sidewalk at the airport. | ||
When he would act out the cattle prod that he wanted to fucking do, I was just like, there it is. | ||
unidentified
|
There it is. | |
There it is. | ||
He's one of the nicest fucking guys ever. | ||
Brian Regan? | ||
He is. | ||
So nice. | ||
And he's an unbelievable, just decent, fully formed human being. | ||
He really is a great guy. | ||
He also knows when to get on stage and when not to get on stage. | ||
If he's drunk, he won't get on stage. | ||
The other day he was at the store, he was hanging around. | ||
I had my show in the main room, and I said, Brian, you want to do a set? | ||
unidentified
|
He's like, thank you, but I've had a bit too much to drink. | |
Yeah. | ||
He was in the back bar, a little bit lit up, and he just said, I just don't think it's a good idea. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Especially because he's got that squeaky clean act. | ||
If he goes up there, it's fucking cunts. | ||
Yeah. | ||
You just can't. | ||
I've only, twice in my life I've been on stage drunk. | ||
Once was in Ireland. | ||
Oh, that's a good place to be drunk. | ||
Yep. | ||
And then I was doing the Kilkenny Festival a long time ago. | ||
And then another time I had gone to a Red Sox-Yankees game, got drunk at the game, thought I was sober. | ||
And somebody texted me as I got back to the city going, hey, you want to do a spot? | ||
I got off the subway, you want to do a spot? | ||
I was like, yeah. | ||
And I thought, you know, when you're so drunk that just drunk feels sober? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
And I got on stage and I was just like, oh shit. | ||
And I really had to slow down. | ||
I was like slurring. | ||
Fuck it, what's going on? | ||
People immediately. | ||
Everything I learned as a comedian, I had like open micro energy and the whole crowd reacted that way and I had to kind of slow down and get it going. | ||
I don't even think I did my time. | ||
I was like fucking sweating. | ||
My mouth was dry. | ||
I was just like... | ||
Alright, that's it for me! | ||
That was my closing bit. | ||
That's it for me! | ||
Yeah. | ||
So, never did that again. | ||
Yeah, it's anything that slows your brain down. | ||
It's not the best. | ||
Yeah. | ||
But a little buzz doesn't hurt anybody. | ||
Just a little bit. | ||
I don't, yeah. | ||
I like one drink. | ||
You like one drink, yeah. | ||
One drink. | ||
I don't. | ||
You don't like anything? | ||
No, I don't. | ||
I have like a rule that I don't... | ||
You used to. | ||
What? | ||
You used to have like a drink before you go on stage? | ||
No, never. | ||
Never? | ||
Really? | ||
Not even a little drink? | ||
No. | ||
Never? | ||
Why did I think you did? | ||
No. | ||
Confusing you with somebody, maybe. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So I know I'm like... | ||
I'm kind of just, I don't know, I drank too much, you know, I just drank too much and then I just take some time off, so I'm just taking time off from boozing right now. | ||
I know you got on a big diet kick for a while. | ||
You got down pretty light, didn't you? | ||
You got pretty heavy and then you lost a ton of weight and you developed abs again? | ||
I got four out of the eight. | ||
I got halfway there. | ||
That's good. | ||
I got halfway there and then I had a six-week run on the road and it just fucking... | ||
It just sucks, man. | ||
I ate perfectly. | ||
I wasn't drinking for like two months. | ||
No, almost three months. | ||
And then six weeks. | ||
Six weeks and you just fucking, you know... | ||
It's just not fair. | ||
It's not fair that there's no way in a healthy way to really lose like five pounds a week, but you can easily put on six. | ||
No problem. | ||
No fucking problem. | ||
Especially in like New York, you could just fucking, you could do it. | ||
You can lose five pounds a week if you really have the weight to lose. | ||
I was going to say like, I was going to say ten because I knew you were going to fucking debate this. | ||
Yeah, ten's rough. | ||
Ten, you're dehydrating yourself. | ||
But you can lose five. | ||
No, but I mean like not losing muscle mass and like just doing it the right way and you're going to keep it off. | ||
I'm not talking about some celebrity crash diet or I got to make weight for this fight. | ||
I mean like legit. | ||
Just how easy. | ||
I mean just fucking New York City. | ||
Get a couple slices of pizza every fucking night after a night of drinking. | ||
You're of a certain age. | ||
That's it. | ||
Five pounds. | ||
All of a sudden you know fucking slacks aren't fitting the way they're supposed to. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I do. | ||
You ever do intermittent fasting? | ||
You know what that is? | ||
Yeah. | ||
You ever try that? | ||
Yeah, it's called sleeping. | ||
I haven't eaten for eight hours. | ||
You're supposed to wait 16. That's breakfast. | ||
Break fast. | ||
Yeah. | ||
No, I can do that. | ||
That's not, you know, fasting is not hard. | ||
It's just if you start at four in the afternoon. | ||
And then, you know, by the time you wake up the next morning, you've gone so long that you're not really even hungry anymore. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And then you're kind of fine. | ||
And it's just that first night, and then you're all right. | ||
I know a buddy of mine does it. | ||
He goes, dude, I still work out. | ||
I don't do anything. | ||
He goes, I have this ridiculous amount of energy and all this shit. | ||
And I was just like, I heard when you're fasting, you're not supposed to do that. | ||
He's like, it's all bullshit. | ||
It's all bullshit. | ||
You heard when you fast, you're not supposed to do what? | ||
Exercise? | ||
Yeah, like you're supposed to fucking be chilling. | ||
Nah, no, you can exercise. | ||
You can definitely, especially intermittent fasting. | ||
You were the second non-doctor to tell me I could do that. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I'm waiting for someone with at least, has a lab coat Halloween costume to tell me that. | ||
I'll get Dom D'Augustino. | ||
He's a guy that- Get sad glad. | ||
Gad sad. | ||
unidentified
|
Gad sad. | |
We have a guy that's been on the podcast a couple times that's a fasting expert. | ||
I'd be like, I'm sorry, does your name rhyme? | ||
I wonder if Gad is short for something, like Gadzooks. | ||
One of the great drummers of all time, Steve Gad. | ||
Really? | ||
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
Gadzooks is a great name. | ||
Now, if you name your kids Gadzooks... | ||
It's just not fair to your children. | ||
Gadzooks is not a bad name. | ||
It's kind of cool. | ||
Gadzooks. | ||
Remember that? | ||
People would say that. | ||
unidentified
|
Gadzooks. | |
That was like a comic book type thing. | ||
Like when people were stunned, they'd say Gadzooks. | ||
I would say Stephen Zooks. | ||
Yeah, Lebanon. | ||
Common male Arabic name means... | ||
Felicity? | ||
I know, but do they fucking... | ||
If your last name is Sad, do you have to name your kid Gad? | ||
I just can't picture a part of the world where your name fucking rhymes and you don't have to deal with that every time. | ||
Oh, Gad's... | ||
Yeah, I get it. | ||
It rhymes. | ||
Can I have my fucking falafel? | ||
You want to talk to him? | ||
Huh? | ||
He could do your show. | ||
He'll do your show. | ||
He's a funny guy. | ||
You talk to him about that. | ||
I don't have smart people on my podcast. | ||
Ever? | ||
You've never done it, right? | ||
I did it once. | ||
You did do it once? | ||
Yeah, I did it once. | ||
I make an exception. | ||
I think we did it at my place. | ||
Oh, okay. | ||
Has it been that long? | ||
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
Or we did it... | ||
No, we didn't do it at my house. | ||
We did it at the studio. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, I think I recorded it. | |
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Something like that. | |
Yeah. | ||
Okay. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I like how you do it, though. | ||
I keep telling comics. | ||
I'm saying, look. | ||
Look what Bill does. | ||
He doesn't need anybody. | ||
He doesn't need anything. | ||
He's got a fucking recorder, and he just rambles. | ||
And it's great. | ||
Yeah, that's because of my childhood. | ||
The way you just said that. | ||
What did you just say? | ||
He doesn't need anybody. | ||
He doesn't need anybody. | ||
He doesn't need anything. | ||
He doesn't need anything. | ||
Yeah, that's where I went. | ||
That was my protective place that went mentally. | ||
You just start talking to yourself. | ||
No, I was just like, fuck everybody. | ||
I don't need anybody. | ||
I don't give a shit. | ||
I don't care. | ||
Which wasn't true. | ||
I did care. | ||
Right, of course. | ||
You did care, but you just say, I don't care. | ||
I don't give a fuck. | ||
That's a pretty common thing amongst comics, don't you think? | ||
No, I think I'm unique. | ||
Oh, interesting. | ||
No, I guess it is. | ||
There's a few guys that are doing that now like you, though. | ||
Like Theo Vaughn does his podcast very similar to the way you do it. | ||
He just rambles. | ||
You know, D'Elia does it. | ||
Very similar. | ||
Just rambles. | ||
But that's a great... | ||
It's got to be a great way to develop material. | ||
Like, come up with ideas. | ||
Well, I try not to take too much shit from there. | ||
You know, I answer questions and shit. | ||
I have, like, my little fucking tent poles I got to get me through it. | ||
But I... Man, I don't know. | ||
It just started out as a way to promote my dates. | ||
And I would just talk, hey, what's going on? | ||
I'd make a couple of jokes. | ||
I'm going to be at the punchline in San Francisco. | ||
And it was only like a minute long or two minutes long. | ||
And then it just got a little longer and longer. | ||
I would tell some stories. | ||
I used to call in a service is how I did it. | ||
And it would record me on the phone. | ||
So I had my little flip phone and I would... | ||
I remember those. | ||
You were like at an airport talking on the phone. | ||
It was like a phone call. | ||
Yeah, and I'd be making fun of fat people and shit as they were walking by. | ||
How long were those? | ||
Then those started to get to be 10 minutes, 15, and then half hours, to the point where I noticed I was talking on a cell phone, like my head felt like I was getting cooked. | ||
And then... | ||
Then I started like, oh, I'll answer questions. | ||
And I had a thing for a while, overrated, underrated. | ||
Then I had a segment, is it racist? | ||
But then somebody said Tosh.0 had something like that, so I had to get rid of that. | ||
Yeah, just kind of did that. | ||
Now I just, I don't know, I just sit down. | ||
Sometimes I forget that I'm fucking talking to anybody. | ||
All those years of just being on the road, just talking to yourself in the car. | ||
Is that what you do? | ||
You talk to yourself in the road in your car? | ||
Yeah. | ||
Really? | ||
I listen to music. | ||
I fucking fantasize about being in the band. | ||
That's a big thing. | ||
When I listen to music... | ||
When I listen to a music, like, you pick any fucking song and I'll tell you who I am in the band during it. | ||
Like, I know you're an Aerosmith guy, right? | ||
So, Train Kepa rolling. | ||
I'm Joe Perry. | ||
Okay. | ||
When he's fucking playing the guitar. | ||
And then when Steven sings, I'm Steven. | ||
I'm doing the whole fantasy. | ||
I'm just, like, jumping around like fucking I'm in Star Trek. | ||
Right? | ||
And then when Joey Kramer does the fucking drum roll in the middle, then I'm Joey. | ||
And yeah, I just crush it. | ||
It's just a whole fucking fantasy of me. | ||
Have you ever met those guys? | ||
I met Tommy Hamilton. | ||
Joe Perry did my podcast. | ||
He's great, isn't he? | ||
Yeah. | ||
He's a great guy. | ||
Great guy. | ||
So down to earth. | ||
Yeah. | ||
unidentified
|
Ridiculously cool. | |
You're hanging out with him. | ||
You forget. | ||
He's one of the greatest guitarists of all time. | ||
Yeah. | ||
All the riffs he wrote and everything. | ||
He's a regular dude. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Steven Tyler I met one time. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Just all... | ||
Yeah. | ||
I always... | ||
Just that whole band experience... | ||
It's very a lot like stand-up where in the beginning you're doing these impossible gigs and you get like this, you know, It's like you against them. | ||
And even as you came up as an open-miker, the band was kind of the class of open-mikers. | ||
And you'd go up there, and if the crowd got the better of you, if your buddy told that person to shut the fuck up or whatever. | ||
I just like that whole thing, like when I read those Guns N' Roses books about how their first gig was in Seattle, and they had this van or something, and it broke down, and they just kept going. | ||
And they just were thumbing and they just somehow fucking got there at the last second. | ||
They just did the gig. | ||
Um... | ||
You know, I just would think it would be... | ||
It's a great feeling as a comedian to turn a room around, but to actually be in a band and fucking, you know, you did it with somebody else, you could actually share it with somebody, as opposed to, you know, fucking doing it by yourself and then going back to the Super 8, you know? | ||
I love that you do those gigs where you get together early with Dean Del Rey and you guys play music and he sings. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Dean Del Rey can sing his fucking ass off, dude. | ||
He's good. | ||
He's really good. | ||
He has all the fucking rock star moves and shit. | ||
He's legit. | ||
Yeah, we had a great time. | ||
The clips he was showing you, that was at the Forum, and then... | ||
When he was singing Whole Lotta Rosie? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I was like, holy shit! | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like, that is... | ||
He's got a fucking voice on him, man. | ||
Yeah, and we didn't tune down. | ||
A lot of times, like, when you go see a band, you don't really notice, but they tune down half a step or a full step, and sometimes, you know, people can get way the fuck down on certain songs, but he... | ||
They still... | ||
I saw Guns N' Roses recently. | ||
unidentified
|
Axl... | |
There he is. | ||
Give me some volume on this. | ||
That accent. | ||
unidentified
|
I want to tell you a story About a woman I know Here it comes to loving She steals the show And exactly pretty And exactly small Here we go right here 4, 2, 3, 1, 2, 6 Give it seriously now That's Michael Devin on bass | |
I'm gonna have a wall right now Look at him go! | ||
It's Andrew. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That is a fucking awesome cover. | ||
Yeah, we did... | ||
Might be a little slow. | ||
It's like you guys are like... | ||
You're a fun band together, but you got a legit professional singer. | ||
Well, that guy on bass plays in Whitesnake. | ||
That's Mike Devon. | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, shit! | |
He's a Massachusetts guy. | ||
No, he's a fucking beast. | ||
Wow. | ||
He's a beast. | ||
For some reason, everybody looks like they're playing left-handed there. | ||
I had a girl I dated once. | ||
I got in a car accident with her. | ||
Some old man ran a red light and slammed into us, and the car got totaled. | ||
So they're taking the car away, and I have a box of my cassettes in the car. | ||
And she sees the Whitesnake cassette, and she fucking threw it away. | ||
She's like, why are you still listening to this? | ||
And I let her. | ||
I let her throw it away. | ||
She must have been beautiful. | ||
She's pretty hot. | ||
She was older than me. | ||
Oh, that's why. | ||
1988. Chucked my fucking Whitesnake. | ||
Chucked it out. | ||
So sad. | ||
And because of that, somebody sent me one. | ||
Is it still here? | ||
Where is that? | ||
Somebody sent me a fucking Whitesnake cassette. | ||
I fucking told a story! | ||
Someone sent it in! | ||
I got a Whitesnake cassette sitting around here somewhere. | ||
Someone said, here dude, I feel bad. | ||
Oh yeah, those first relationships, the shit you fucking... | ||
The shit you tolerate. | ||
It's amazing. | ||
I know. | ||
She was a woman. | ||
That was the thing. | ||
I was still kind of a boy. | ||
She was a woman. | ||
She was 25. She's on her own for quite a while. | ||
Oh yeah. | ||
I remember when I was 23 I dated a 30 year old. | ||
That was not the way to go. | ||
I think they treated you like a toy. | ||
Yeah, and it was like, you know, she had been through a bunch of relationships, so she knew how to put up, she knew how to post up in the thing, so I was just like, yeah. | ||
She was ready for you. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It was fun. | ||
She was cool and everything, but it was just like, yeah, it didn't work out. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Obviously. | ||
Yeah, I felt like I was a dog. | ||
Like, I was a, like, I was a, like, she got a dog. | ||
You know, like, you know how chicks get a German Shepherd? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
Yeah, you're a German Shepherd. | ||
She got a psycho. | ||
I was crazy back then, too. | ||
I was still fighting. | ||
I was 21. And she was a graduated from college, grown woman, had a job and a career. | ||
Had CDs. | ||
Yeah, she's like, oh fuck you. | ||
And no cassette tapes. | ||
I don't even think, yeah, I had CDs in the cars in 88, did they? | ||
No, they did, because I remember a buddy of mine. | ||
unidentified
|
In 88? | |
A buddy of mine, he had the first one. | ||
He had a Volkswagen Scirocco that we thought was amazing, right? | ||
That was like a sports car. | ||
Yeah. | ||
And he had, this might have been 89 though. | ||
89 or 90. I can't remember. | ||
That's kind of a blur back then, so long ago. | ||
But he had, like, the... | ||
They would, like, mount it. | ||
Like, you had almost like a Discman. | ||
It wasn't, like, in the dashboard. | ||
And it would just sit on, like, the little console in the middle. | ||
So, and then the thing, if you went over a bump, it would skip. | ||
And then they had, like, the big suitcase they'd put in your trunk. | ||
unidentified
|
It holds, like, 18 fucking CDs. | |
CD changers. | ||
Oh, look at this. | ||
Is that it? | ||
It's from 96. 1984. Whoa! | ||
Oh, okay. | ||
They had discs in 84. Wow. | ||
Well, we were just out of high school, so he didn't have the money. | ||
We thought he was rich. | ||
He had a Volkswagen Scirocco. | ||
Oh, it's in his car in 1984. Wow. | ||
You know they had car phones back in like the 60s? | ||
They had phones in cars. | ||
Oh. | ||
Yeah, but he had to be like the presidential level. | ||
Yeah, super fucking rich guy. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I'm surprised you don't have a flip phone. | ||
I'm surprised you're not rebelling. | ||
I would do it. | ||
But I play my card games on my phone. | ||
Spades and gin rummy and shit like that. | ||
Whenever I'm in traffic now, if I Uber or something, that's how I get through traffic and I don't flip out. | ||
Because I just fucking stare at my phone. | ||
You don't listen to books on tape or anything like that? | ||
No. | ||
I can't do that. | ||
You can't listen to books on tape? | ||
I've never tried. | ||
I just can't. | ||
It would annoy me listening to the person trying to make it sound interesting. | ||
You know? | ||
With the inflections and the voice and stuff. | ||
unidentified
|
That would annoy you? | |
Yeah. | ||
Because I'm defensive. | ||
This guy thinks I'm a fucking moron. | ||
But it's just like... | ||
And then in 1862... | ||
And just talking like that, I'd just be like, all right, dude, just fucking read it. | ||
That's so funny. | ||
Read it like a bailiff. | ||
Read it like a bailiff. | ||
Like a bailiff! | ||
Dude, I remember... | ||
You know why I have that reference? | ||
Because when I got busted for drunk driving, the bailiff goes... | ||
This is what he said. | ||
The giggler goes, I pulled the defendant over approximately blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
You know, chasing through two towns, you know, whatever. | ||
Which was bullshit. | ||
Anyways, I had a fucking 83 Ford Ranger. | ||
And the bailiff read the thing. | ||
He said, the arresting officer asked the defendant where he was coming from. | ||
And he stated, fucking Boston. | ||
And it was just like, that's not... | ||
That's what I said. | ||
That's not the way I said it. | ||
I was fucking wasted. | ||
I was trying to remember. | ||
He said, where'd you come from? | ||
I was like, fucking... | ||
Boston. | ||
And the guy goes... | ||
Fucking Boston. | ||
You want to get out of the car? | ||
And I was like, yeah. | ||
I wasn't a jerk. | ||
But when the guy did the read, he goes, we asked him where he was coming from. | ||
He said, fucking Boston. | ||
And then I looked like an asshole. | ||
It was funny. | ||
I was standing there. | ||
There was all these people who mug people. | ||
And they were like laughing like, oh, this guy's sticking it to the man. | ||
unidentified
|
So... | |
I got pulled over for drunk driving once, but I wasn't drunk. | ||
I dropped my phone. | ||
Dropped my phone on the highway. | ||
Reached down to grab my phone, and I, you know, wiggled a little bit. | ||
Right. | ||
And I wasn't even reading my phone. | ||
It was just my phone was between my legs. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
And it fell, and I thought it was going to get underneath my accelerator. | ||
And they pulled me over, and they made me do all kinds of crazy shit. | ||
And I did it. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I'm like, I'm doing all of it. | ||
I'm like, look at me. | ||
I'm sober. | ||
And then they wanted me to take a breathalyzer. | ||
I'm like... | ||
Why do you want me to take a breathalyzer? | ||
I don't want to trust your equipment. | ||
You just got done doing all the tests. | ||
Like, look, I'm on one foot, I'm fucking balancing. | ||
What do you need me to do? | ||
I can do it. | ||
Set up some cones. | ||
Do you want to know if I'm drunk? | ||
You know I'm not drunk. | ||
So why do you want me to blow in your bullshit? | ||
Like, what's going on here? | ||
And the cops, they agreed with me. | ||
They let me go. | ||
Right. | ||
I said, look, I'm a big supporter of police officers, big supporter of law enforcement. | ||
I donate. | ||
I do benefits whenever they come up. | ||
And I'm sober. | ||
And I'm sober. | ||
You know what the best one is? | ||
Most of my friends, we all get busted for drinking and driving. | ||
The best one was a buddy of mine. | ||
They read his, and it was like, you know, approximately four in the morning, we noticed a maroon VW Fox blowing its horn, trying to pass on the right. | ||
We pulled the defendant over. | ||
After repeatedly asking the defendant to stay in the car, he got out of the car, threw his keys at my feet, and repeatedly stated, lock me up, I'm fucked up. | ||
unidentified
|
LAUGHTER And this was funny. | |
My buddy was a good-looking guy, and the judge was a woman. | ||
And when the guy read that, you know, locked me up, I'm fucked up. | ||
And he wasn't the brightest guy, and he just kind of went like, ugh. | ||
He put his head down like that, and he was, you know... | ||
Little pound puppy fucking looking dude and she gave him like a lighter sentence. | ||
Because he was good looking? | ||
I think so. | ||
Yeah, I mean that all plays in. | ||
That's why ugly people are complaining so much. | ||
They won't take the time to develop a fucking personality, write some jokes, do what the rest of us have to do. | ||
I don't get mad at Brad Pitt. | ||
How come he fucking... | ||
Because he's fucking beautiful. | ||
I'm a fucking bald, red-headed male. | ||
I know where I am in the pecking order. | ||
And some of these fucking people who are complaining right now, who are mad that beautiful people get treated differently. | ||
I understand racially speaking. | ||
But you're not going to do the beautiful thing. | ||
And then there's another thing they try to say. | ||
Well, society tries to, you know, they're the ones that fucking... | ||
Like, you know, I love when there's a supermodel. | ||
Like, this is like an impossible standard of beauty to try and live up to. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
Yeah! | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's why she's on the cover of a magazine. | ||
She's that level beautiful. | ||
And you're going to try and sit there and tell me that that was learned. | ||
Well, here's the thing. | ||
That's only women. | ||
Because when you see Jason Momoa playing Aquaman, you don't hear men saying that's an impossible standard of beauty that we have to keep up with. | ||
No, I just make fun of that fucking stupid thing he has to hang on to. | ||
I don't care how much you can kick my ass. | ||
That is the dumbest. | ||
You should be on a fucking cereal box. | ||
It's a trident. | ||
For years, they had a problem with Aquaman. | ||
It's like he's in the ocean. | ||
Human beings are on Earth. | ||
I have to see that fucking movie. | ||
What are they going to be? | ||
Is it going to be Japanese people finning? | ||
Is he going to save Sharp? | ||
He goes underwater. | ||
Is that his skin? | ||
With all the bumps? | ||
What is that? | ||
Is that a suit? | ||
Doesn't water get in the gloves? | ||
unidentified
|
No. | |
You'd think that would have to be one piece, right? | ||
Yeah. | ||
That would be annoying and shit. | ||
Is it any worse than water in your gloves? | ||
Well, look, it looks like it catches them, like a water catcher. | ||
Like, not just like water gets in the gloves. | ||
It's like a funnel. | ||
He looks like a stripper at a bachelorette party. | ||
unidentified
|
He does. | |
A good one. | ||
Like, you paid money. | ||
You got a good one. | ||
Guy dieted down for that. | ||
Yes, he did, and he got all the abs. | ||
So he's better than I am. | ||
Oh, this is the fall look. | ||
That's a different one. | ||
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
The fall look! | ||
This is when he's in the Black Sea. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
He wants to fucking... | ||
Gets cold. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Did you see what's going on in the UK? The UK has banned advertisements that feature unobtainable bodies. | ||
I retweeted it. | ||
I tweeted it recently. | ||
The way they eat fish and chips over there. | ||
That's going to be most of advertising. | ||
Well, they had these ads for summer bodies. | ||
You know, you see a girl in a bikini. | ||
And they're now making it illegal to put those kind of ads up. | ||
Why can't you aspire to that? | ||
Like, I look at that Aquaman guy that makes me want to go to the gym. | ||
unidentified
|
I don't be like, you know, he's got a full head of hair. | |
Like, you got to make me feel better? | ||
It's because the people that complain. | ||
Who are the people that complain? | ||
The people that complain are the people that don't want to work to be that lady. | ||
They don't want to work to get that kind of a body. | ||
And they just want to not see it. | ||
They don't want to go to the subway and see a body that they're never going to have. | ||
Yeah, I saw an actress complaining one time because the studio told them that she needed to lose 15 pounds I'm like, you can't drop 15 to star in a movie? | ||
I mean, what carrot can they, specifically carrots, some veggies in your diet? | ||
What do they have to dangle in front of you to go to the fucking gym like the rest of us? | ||
Like, I literally, like, because I always say, oh, guys don't have to deal with that. | ||
It's like, yeah, we do. | ||
Of course, Aquaman had to deal with that. | ||
What if he gained 20 pounds? | ||
Dude, forget about him. | ||
Just having five lines in a fucking movie. | ||
If I am north of 171, 72 pounds, the fucking tweets I get, hey, Billy Boo's bag. | ||
unidentified
|
Hey, Billy bitch tits. | |
Hey, fat freckles, all of this shit that I get, they sit there and they're acting like fucking preteens, where everything is just, everything's about them, and the whole fucking world gives a shit. | ||
Celebrities, with their fucking political views, is the funniest thing ever. | ||
It's like, you're not making anybody change their mind politically. | ||
I feel like I need to fucking speak up. | ||
It's like, no, you can't have the spotlight on you enough. | ||
That's all you're doing. | ||
Because all you're doing with that bullshit is, first of all, you're alienating half the fucking people that are going to go see whatever the fuck you're in. | ||
And then secondly, you're just getting on the radar of lunatics in white vans with two seats that are looking up how to fucking build pipe bombs. | ||
Like, that's the fallout. | ||
It's like the jerk when he goes, average, run-of-a-mill son of a bitch, you know, when he picks Steve Martin. | ||
The idea that a girl shouldn't be asked to lose weight to look hot for a movie is fucking crazy because that's what you're playing. | ||
You're playing a hot woman. | ||
That's part of the job. | ||
And there's millions. | ||
Dude, everybody's in shape. | ||
I remember fucking seeing... | ||
I used to do a bit about this. | ||
I saw... | ||
Ben Stiller in Meet the Fockers or something. | ||
There was a scene where he had to have his shirt off in the pool. | ||
He had fucking abs in a comedy. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Because you were seeing the influence of the fucking internet. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
It gets in your head. | ||
People just fucking trashing you. | ||
I already knew I was unsightly, but I didn't realize how many things that people didn't enjoy about me. | ||
Until I got on the internet, I was like, wow, I never noticed that about myself. | ||
So, yeah, I don't have, look, if somebody really has like a fucking eating disorder, you know, if you're like fucking obese, I have sympathy for those people. | ||
But if you're 15 pounds, 20 pounds overweight, I mean, fucking, you know, drink some fucking smoothies. | ||
These women that are playing these roles have to understand, first of all, that part of the reason why you got that role is not just because of your acting ability, but also because you're pretty. | ||
You have a beautiful face. | ||
You were born with it. | ||
You didn't even work at it. | ||
And then on top of that, you're supposed to be playing a beautiful person in the movie. | ||
They would like you to not be fat. | ||
It's that simple. | ||
That's not discrimination. | ||
There's millions of dollars at stake that could be lost. | ||
So I always feel like your job is, even if you look like me, is to show up on time knowing your lines in the best possible shape you could get yourself in. | ||
If that's the role. | ||
Even if I'm just fucking playing anybody. | ||
What if you're Artie Lang? | ||
What if you're Artie Lang and you're supposed to play the guy that's smoking cigarettes and you're the brother-in-law that's drunk all the time? | ||
Then your job's to look that way. | ||
Yeah, your job's to look that way. | ||
Yeah, her job's to look like the hot woman that everybody wants to fuck. | ||
If they're telling you you have to lose weight and you're a beautiful woman, it's because they want to make you more attractive. | ||
There's not like discrimination. | ||
There's a reason. | ||
They want a better product. | ||
Oh, they want to make money. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah, they want a better product. | |
I'll tell you another thing, too. | ||
Like, really, both male and female, like, those beautiful people at that level, it's like they're fucking aliens. | ||
Like, I've done a couple of movies. | ||
I did a movie one time, and I remember it was a scene. | ||
We were in a car, and the star of the movie was holding onto the steering wheel. | ||
And I was like, like, I never thought this ever about a woman. | ||
I was like, her forearms are gorgeous. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I was looking at him like... | ||
I was like, those forearms are perfect. | ||
But I didn't make me... | ||
When I went to Stockholm, Sweden, how beautiful the people were there. | ||
I was walking down the street pointing at guys with my wife going, Nia, look at that guy! | ||
unidentified
|
Look at that! | |
That fucking guy, he's like an accountant. | ||
Walking down the street, he's like, does he know if he fucking came over here, he'd be starring in movies? | ||
And that's not all of Sweden, by the way. | ||
That's like, just when you're in Stockholm, that's like their Manhattan. | ||
So all the beautiful fucking people. | ||
But I mean, I went into a couple, I went to this magazine, went and bought like a magazine or something like that when I was over there. | ||
And the woman behind the counter was like a fucking 11 here. | ||
But she was working at a magazine stand, so that was her energy. | ||
Like, hey, how you doing? | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
I'm working in a magazine stand. | ||
My dream hasn't come true yet. | ||
You're just looking at them like, you could sign with a... | ||
Who was that big modeling agency? | ||
Yeah, like Cindy Crawford and all of them were with back in the day. | ||
The Vikings. | ||
It's Viking blood. | ||
The best looking people. | ||
They went over there and raped and pillaged and all that good DNA is left there. | ||
They caught the best women. | ||
They kept them alive. | ||
Killed everybody else. | ||
Oh, is that what happened? | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
I don't know what happened. | ||
Vikings! | ||
That's why they're so big? | ||
Beautiful? | ||
Oh yeah, no, they're super tall. | ||
That's one of the funniest things ever. | ||
When you go over to like the, what do they call those? | ||
The Nordic, and then Scandinavia is within the Nordic countries. | ||
I always have to remind myself of that. | ||
Like you'd go over there, it was the funniest fucking shit because they're so goddamn tall. | ||
There would be kids almost my height whose voices hadn't changed yet, and they had the mentality of like an 11-year-old, and they'd be like, mother! | ||
Except they were speaking that, when they were talking, and their voice hadn't changed yet. | ||
And I was just sitting there laughing my ass off, going, these are like fucking... | ||
Yeah, everybody was like 6'3", 6'4". | ||
6'5", like rail thin with their fucking European pants. | ||
I'm actually going over there. | ||
Stockholm next year, but I'm going over Europe. | ||
I got to run 10 days over there. | ||
Yeah, I saw you doing a European tour. | ||
When you do that- I'm doing three legs of it. | ||
Three legs. | ||
So you do three separate trips? | ||
Of 10 days. | ||
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
Yeah, just because I- Do you bring the family or do you just go solo? | ||
I'm going to bring the family on one of them. | ||
And then the other ones, I'm only gone for a little over a week, which is a really long time when you have a kid. | ||
And it's not something that I look forward to doing now, but it's something that it's also gives my kid a great life. | ||
So that's how I justify it. | ||
So then I also- I had to move some shit around to work less in other areas. | ||
That's a good balance. | ||
I'm glad you approach it that way. | ||
I have friends that don't. | ||
They're on the road all the time, and they have kids. | ||
Their idea is that this is what I've got to do to make a living. | ||
I'm like, I guess so. | ||
But you're on the road 30 days in a row. | ||
It's kind of crazy. | ||
I put my kid down for a nap, and I'll be downstairs for like 20 minutes. | ||
I look at my wife. | ||
I'm like, dude, I miss her. | ||
It's just so quiet. | ||
She's hilarious. | ||
She's hilarious. | ||
So it's just like, you know, yeah, she's an unbelievable sense of humor. | ||
And, yeah. | ||
I knew you would love it. | ||
I knew you'd love being a parent. | ||
Yeah, and I always wanted to be and I just was afraid of commitment and all that shit. | ||
So I waited. | ||
I waited too long. | ||
I did wait too long. | ||
So, which is why I'm going to take a fucking sauna with you at the end of this. | ||
Yeah, we'll take a sauna now. | ||
Yeah, and I want to learn all... | ||
Gee, it would really be great if there was a company out there that could somehow let me know I could get a sauna in my house. | ||
Well, sauna people out there. | ||
I was working with a guy... | ||
If you can get a Whitesnake take, I can get a fucking... | ||
We'll get a sauna. | ||
Sauna companies, contact both of us, okay? | ||
Because I was in contact with a guy to do something in my fucking house, and this asshole dropped the ball and is not returning emails anymore. | ||
Hmm. | ||
So I need a new sauna company, too. | ||
Give you a lot of free advertising. | ||
I'm like, where's the fucking sauna? | ||
Does the sauna guy get back to us? | ||
No, he hasn't gotten back to us. | ||
I'm like, it's fucking two weeks. | ||
Should we get back to him again? | ||
Twice got back to this guy. | ||
Like, trying to get the fucking sauna installed in the house. | ||
I love all those guys, though. | ||
They're like comedians. | ||
They don't want a real job. | ||
Contractors? | ||
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
The gate guy, the sauna guy, the this guy, the that guy. | ||
They all got their little fucking... | ||
Then the handymen guys. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Um... | ||
Well, I grew up with those guys, because my dad was an architect. | ||
So I did construction from the time I was in high school. | ||
All throughout the summer, I was always doing side jobs. | ||
I always had jobs on construction sites as a laborer, carpenter's assistants. | ||
I was always around those guys. | ||
I tried to do that. | ||
I lasted eight days. | ||
I just, with my fucking fair skin, we were doing roofing in July, and it was just, I just remember... | ||
My job was I was putting in the scaffold and going around, you know, when you fucking drill the hole, then you put the triangle thing, and then you fucking put the bolt on. | ||
And this Irish guy kept going, Billy, you must work quicker. | ||
You must work quickly, is what he kept saying to me. | ||
And I finally stuck my head out the side of the house. | ||
I was like, dude, I've done this for three days. | ||
If you want me to fucking go quicker... | ||
You know, we were like literally three stories up and he finally shut the fuck up. | ||
He must be a non-union guy. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
Dude, I remember there was a fucking guy on the site. | ||
I swear to God, he wore the same fucking jeans every day with like no underwear, right? | ||
And it had a fucking giant fucking hole right here on his thigh. | ||
So I'm in fucking working in the house and I just remember he stepped over something with his left leg and the whole fucking hole moved, right? | ||
Just like flashed his fucking junk. | ||
I was just like... | ||
And I didn't know how to stand up to people. | ||
And plus, you know, I was the new guy on the thing and I just was... | ||
Wanted to be like, buddy, how about you put on some fucking boxers or something so I don't gotta look at your fucking junk. | ||
First of all, he's walking around with like a goddamn nail gun. | ||
Not like boxers could stop that, but any extra layer of clothing that you could have. | ||
This guy's literally like his fucking shit, you know, like an owl looking out of a tree. | ||
And yet it's burned into my head. | ||
I could pick his junk out of a lineup. | ||
That was the first time I ever encountered alcoholics. | ||
I didn't really know about alcoholics until I started working on job sites. | ||
And I realized there was guys that just had to drink. | ||
They would drink at lunch. | ||
They were just drinking all the time. | ||
They were always trying to quit. | ||
I remember one guy was like, I'm quitting. | ||
I'm done. | ||
And I remember thinking, that's good. | ||
You're getting your shit together. | ||
I was like 15. I was like, oh, that's awesome. | ||
Two weeks later. | ||
Fucking can of beer on the job. | ||
I was like, oh... | ||
I just remember I couldn't eat enough. | ||
I was always hungry. | ||
I would pack two sandwiches, three sandwiches, and you'd just... | ||
It's real work. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's what people used to do. | ||
No, those were like... | ||
Those guys... | ||
I mean, I would come home like... | ||
It was like I went to football practice. | ||
If I stuck around for another month, I could have gotten in construction worker shape. | ||
But I just sucked at it. | ||
I just didn't have it. | ||
And that was one of the things, how I was able to figure out what I was good at was one of my best attributes was I knew when I sucked at something. | ||
Like, take playing drums and I wanted to be in a band or anything. | ||
I just went to too many music stores and I'd see some seven-year-old kid and just him starting to play or picking up a guitar. | ||
I just knew it. | ||
I was just like, I don't have that. | ||
I don't have that gift, you know? | ||
Even if I played better than them, just the ideas that they were already coming up with. | ||
Speaking of which, dude, I should have called you the other day. | ||
I saw... | ||
Dave Navarro does this thing with his band Royal Machines. | ||
They just do this Christmas show every year. | ||
I went with Ben Bailey the other night at the El Rey, dude. | ||
What a fucking show these guys put on. | ||
Sebastian Bach came out and sang Highway to Hell. | ||
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
Fucking murdered it. | ||
Dude, Juliette Lewis. | ||
You know, from fucking American, what the fuck was that? | ||
All the edits. | ||
The serial killer movie. | ||
With Woody Harrelson. | ||
Yeah, what the fuck was that? | ||
unidentified
|
Natural Born Killers. | |
Natural Born Killers. | ||
All of those fucking movies. | ||
Dude, you know some people, like, I'm a comedian who happens to play drums. | ||
Dude, she's a fucking rock star who happens to act. | ||
Really? | ||
Dude, oh my god. | ||
Really? | ||
Oh my god. | ||
She was so ridiculous. | ||
I was just laughing how fucking amazing she was. | ||
She sang like Van Halen, Ain't Talking About Love. | ||
And then she sang Dirty Deeds. | ||
And it was all just in the wheelhouse of shit that I listened to. | ||
And I want to say she did one more. | ||
And in the end, she did like a fucking forward somersault into the fucking crowd. | ||
Whoa. | ||
It was just fucking... | ||
Is there a video of this? | ||
I don't know. | ||
I was... | ||
You know, the band was so fucking good. | ||
And then the drummers they had was Josh Freese, Chad Smith, and Brad Wilk. | ||
Like, so, you know, if you're into drummers, that's... | ||
Josh Freese has fucking played with everybody. | ||
Literally everybody. | ||
Brad Wilk was in... | ||
Rage Against the Machine. | ||
And Chet Smith is in the Chili Peppers. | ||
And those guys were just fucking destroying. | ||
And Steve Stevens from Billy Idol's band was out there. | ||
All these fucking guys. | ||
It's just like... | ||
Wow. | ||
Yeah, if you get a chance... | ||
They were kind of talking like it was the last year they were going to do it. | ||
I hope it isn't. | ||
But Mark McGrath also was there, who was fucking hilarious. | ||
He's sort of like the... | ||
Like, you know, he sings the songs great, but he's also like sort of the MC slash comedian. | ||
He's a really, really naturally like funny guy. | ||
Like I was there with another comedian. | ||
He was cracking us up. | ||
He went on to be like an entertainment reporter, right? | ||
Yeah, well, the thing about him is he's like... | ||
I feel like he was always self-deprecating. | ||
Yeah. | ||
He was writing hit songs. | ||
Who the fuck can do that? | ||
He named an album 1459, making fun of my 15 minutes are almost up. | ||
He was roasting himself while he was just writing one hit after another after another. | ||
And I've gotten to meet him a couple times. | ||
He's like one of the fucking great people that I've met in this business. | ||
I've heard that. | ||
I've heard nothing but nice things. | ||
Yeah, dude. | ||
And he's a fucking riot. | ||
He's a fucking riot. | ||
That's funny. | ||
Yeah. | ||
So if you get it. | ||
You ever see guys like that and you go, why don't you just do stand-up? | ||
Why do you want to work these fucking gigs working for E! | ||
Entertainment Television pretending you give a shit about some stupid sitcom? | ||
Just go do some comedy. | ||
Well, how much of a chance would people give him? | ||
Because, like, oh, you're the Sugar Ray guy. | ||
I mean, he probably got enough shit, you know. | ||
Like, he's just one of those really, like, just talented guys. | ||
Oh, there's a video of this. | ||
Give me some volume. | ||
This is him doing Rage. | ||
That was funny shit, man. | ||
unidentified
|
Wow, look at this. | |
So there's Navarro, I think that's Brad Wilk on drums or whatever. | ||
But he was making fun of himself before he came out there because I forget who he was following. | ||
Oh, that's awesome. | ||
He was going like, I know, I know. | ||
Now you got to listen to the douche from Sugar Ray. | ||
So he just totally makes fun of himself. | ||
But then what I love is then he goes up and he fucking murders it. | ||
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
So it's just kind of like, he just reminded me of a comedian or whatever. | ||
Did you get to hang out with Juliette Lewis? | ||
No, I have before. | ||
She's cool as shit. | ||
I want to meet her. | ||
Oh, she's cool as shit, too. | ||
We've gone back and forth online together. | ||
I was trying to get her on the podcast a few years ago, and I dropped the ball. | ||
Oh, all right. | ||
I was always worried that people like that would worry that I just want to harp on Scientology. | ||
Because, you know, she's like a crazy Scientologist. | ||
I grew up Catholic. | ||
Look what the fuck they did. | ||
And still doing. | ||
Yeah. | ||
No, listen, I hear you. | ||
But I think she's still active. | ||
They get sensitive about that shit. | ||
I was thinking of going back to church. | ||
unidentified
|
Really? | |
Yeah. | ||
Just in my own way. | ||
How are you going to do it? | ||
I'm going to go, but I'm not going to listen to anything. | ||
And I'll stand up and sit down. | ||
Are you going to get mad if they use certain inflections? | ||
No, but I'm just going to kind of go there. | ||
It's just a place. | ||
I don't know. | ||
I went last year with my mother-in-law. | ||
Because she goes every week, and I went for Christmas Mass, and they had this New Orleans band, and I was like, dude, if they had this every fucking week, because the band sounded great, I would go. | ||
But it just sort of reminded me of I used to be a better person. | ||
I wasn't so jaded. | ||
I used to go every fucking week. | ||
You think you're jaded from not going to church? | ||
I think you're jaded just from knowing too much. | ||
Yeah, and just... | ||
You know, no, it's just certain things just get out of control. | ||
You know what it is? | ||
When you become an adult, you have to be your own parent, which is weird. | ||
Like, hey, Bill, it's time to go to bed. | ||
Hey, Bill, lay off the booze. | ||
You know, just certain things just kind of get out of whack, you know, almost like the mixer of your life, you know, something's up too high or too low. | ||
And I just felt like going there reminded me... | ||
It's a nice reminder for the week. | ||
Like, hey, you know, how about you not be a cunt for the next couple of days? | ||
That's what I get out of it. | ||
I don't get like, you know, this guy walked on water and... | ||
This is the right thing. | ||
If you believe this, you're going to go to heaven. | ||
If somebody believes something else, they're going to hell. | ||
All of that stuff is just silly. | ||
The way you put it is a good way of putting it. | ||
That you have to be your own parent when you become an adult. | ||
That's a great way of putting it. | ||
Because one of the things that you get from whether it's God or any kind of spirituality is you get this idea that something's bigger than you. | ||
Something's higher than you. | ||
There's a higher purpose. | ||
And you think about that instead of being selfish and just thinking about yourself. | ||
That's what it is. | ||
You can get like, you know, being a comic, not selling tickets is one of the most humbling things ever. | ||
And then once you start selling tickets, you can kind of float away a little bit. | ||
And just like, you know, like all the fucking bullshit that you had to go through. | ||
Finding a flight you can afford and what fucking dirty cat-haired car are they going to pull up in to take me to the comedy condo? | ||
There was always cat hair, right? | ||
And then all of that goes away and then you just have this free time. | ||
And what are you going to do with it? | ||
And this free time and this privilege that you have and you can really go Roman Empire with it? | ||
And fucking eat and drink and smoke and just be a jerk. | ||
Or you can... | ||
You can, I don't know, still be who the fuck... | ||
Be as much as who you were or whatever. | ||
Or try to help somebody out. | ||
That's what it makes me think of when I went... | ||
Because I got so caught up in like, this is bullshit. | ||
That never happened. | ||
They made that up. | ||
This is just people writing this book. | ||
And I went totally the other way. | ||
So now I'm coming in the middle. | ||
There's a reason why... | ||
People do this beyond trying to control people and make money and power and all that. | ||
There is something to it. | ||
There's a benefit for the people that are there. | ||
Yes. | ||
So that's kind of what I was going there. | ||
It's humbling. | ||
It's kind of like when I left LA and I'm like, I'm never fucking living here again. | ||
And then I started going back and I felt it pulling me back like, hey, you know. | ||
This isn't that bad. | ||
I'm like, fuck, I kind of like it. | ||
So I went back to church with my mother-in-law and I was sitting there going like, there's an aspect of this that I liked. | ||
I like the sense of community. | ||
Yes. | ||
You know, I didn't mind the little pep talk that the guy gives or whatever. | ||
It would be nice if I didn't Didn't think, if I wasn't suspicious of them. | ||
The problem with church is the problem with anybody that gets in any sort of a position of power. | ||
It's easy to abuse it. | ||
So to have a guy who's a pastor that's not a creep, and that really cares, and is really a good person, and really wants to care about the community, and really wants everybody to do better and get better with life, but isn't trying to buy a fucking Rolls Royce like Joel Osteen and live in a giant mansion. | ||
unidentified
|
Mega church? | |
Yeah, it always goes south. | ||
It's absolute power. | ||
You know what I love about Joel Osteen is he's an arena act. | ||
Yeah, he is. | ||
As a preacher, he bought the old place, the old arena where the Houston Rockets used to play. | ||
Yeah, he bought it. | ||
Yeah, that's how much money that guy has. | ||
And then he fills it up. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Well, that was when the hurricane came. | ||
People criticized him because he didn't open up his doors to all the folks who were displaced from their homes. | ||
I was teasing them about that. | ||
It's like, you saw that electric blue carpet he put on? | ||
You fucking guys getting it all wet? | ||
unidentified
|
Electric blue? | |
No, he does. | ||
He has his sick ass... | ||
Look at that place. | ||
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
Oh, maybe it's the curtain that I thought. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I mean, look at that. | ||
Look at the size of that fucking place. | ||
Holy shit. | ||
Yeah, that looks like a Dice Clay special. | ||
And all those people are throwing down. | ||
All those people are paying to be there. | ||
That guy is making... | ||
I want to see somebody out there scalping tickets. | ||
I got two by the altar. | ||
There's two ways of looking at it, right? | ||
One is he's getting all those people together and there's a sense of community amongst all of them. | ||
And two is that guy's making a fuckload of money. | ||
And he's got so much power. | ||
You know, you got all those people just at your... | ||
But it doesn't mean you're necessarily a bad... | ||
It doesn't necessarily mean that. | ||
He's like, what can you do with it? | ||
Which is the reason why I'm thinking of... | ||
You know, stopping in every once in a while. | ||
Just gotta find a good spot. | ||
Like, they were doing that rock and roll church thing for a while. | ||
There was a... | ||
I remember one of my friends who's a producer, his assistant was... | ||
She was lost. | ||
I think she... | ||
Spiritually? | ||
Yeah, she was lost. | ||
She couldn't find the church. | ||
She was lost in a lot of ways, but she was doing this... | ||
What's going on, Jamie? | ||
Oh, fuck! | ||
What?! | ||
$4,950 for a ticket? | ||
Dude, you wanna go? | ||
What the fuck? | ||
Yeah, we could do that. | ||
unidentified
|
I'll do that with you. | |
No, not $4,000. | ||
It's $400. | ||
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
No, $4,950. | ||
unidentified
|
Two tickets. | |
For two tickets. | ||
unidentified
|
$5,000. | |
Where? | ||
Right there. | ||
Section four? | ||
Row D. Row D. Dude, four grand. | ||
I want that guy fucking... | ||
That's not even at the stage. | ||
I catch the handkerchief when he's done fucking preaching. | ||
How much I get for row two or section two? | ||
unidentified
|
Row one. | |
They're not available. | ||
Not available? | ||
Sold out? | ||
unidentified
|
These are resale tickets too. | |
You know what it is, man? | ||
They got fucking season passes. | ||
People probably buy season passes for Joel Osteen. | ||
unidentified
|
This is his tour. | |
This is for his Florida stop. | ||
Well, I saw there was a place that I was at that he was coming to. | ||
One of the big spots I was at. | ||
He does these arena tours. | ||
And he does Vegas, too. | ||
He does the fucking T-Mobile Arena in Vegas. | ||
I want to see the show. | ||
They got a giant-ass picture of him up there. | ||
Is his eyes open or no? | ||
Smiling and shit. | ||
It's crazy. | ||
It's a lot of money that guy's making. | ||
I used to say, he's so full of shit he can't look at the crowd. | ||
That's why his eyes are open. | ||
Are they still here? | ||
Are they still believing this shit? | ||
When you're lying, eye contact is the toughest fucking thing ever. | ||
Whatever, he's making people feel good. | ||
Maybe he is. | ||
He's in show business. | ||
I want to see the show, though. | ||
He's in the God show business business. | ||
You have to respect an arena act, I think. | ||
I think there's something to that. | ||
Yeah, there's something to that. | ||
This girl that I was talking about, she was real lost, and I think she was Jewish, or maybe she converted to Judaism later, but anyway, for one point in time, she was going to this rock and roll church. | ||
She was a sweet kid. | ||
She was like, you should go. | ||
You would really like it. | ||
I'm like, I guarantee you I wouldn't like it. | ||
I'm like, wait, some young, hip guy, probably sings songs, probably tries to fuck women. | ||
Like, get out of here with that. | ||
It's like a yoga class. | ||
It's like David Koresh. | ||
That's how Waco got started. | ||
How did it get started? | ||
It got started with one guy with a guitar, and he brought that message of Jesus, and he had some really profound things to say, and it really helped them feel better. | ||
It resonated with them. | ||
Then he started banging people's wives, and that's what happens. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It always happens that way. | ||
It always does, yeah. | ||
Well, those rock and roll alternative churches, there's a few, like the Justin Bieber guy. | ||
You know the guy that Justin Bieber has? | ||
He's the one who told Justin to get off the road. | ||
Get off the road, Justin. | ||
Come back home to Jesus. | ||
Like, he gets these guys to do that. | ||
Didn't he get a basketball player to stop playing basketball, too? | ||
No, not playing. | ||
Wait, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
That guy's not doing the road anymore? | ||
Ah, he goes back and forth. | ||
You know, he took a little time off. | ||
I think he canceled his tour or something at the end of his tour. | ||
Cancel his tour because the preacher told him it's... | ||
Well, maybe he's right, though. | ||
Let's be honest. | ||
First of all, Bieber probably has a fucking billion dollars in the bank. | ||
And maybe he was frayed around the edges and losing his fucking marbles. | ||
The kid's 21 years old. | ||
He's about as famous as a human being could possibly be. | ||
Is he only 21? | ||
Yeah, he's young. | ||
There's the preacher. | ||
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
Whoa! | ||
With the fucking dick root! | ||
Hold up! | ||
What's going on with his fucking shorts? | ||
Bro! | ||
No! | ||
No, no, no, no, no. | ||
Any guy who's showing dick root. | ||
You know what I mean? | ||
Like the base of your cock. | ||
You're pulling your shorts down to the base of your cock like that. | ||
You're doing that because you're trying to get laid. | ||
Stop. | ||
Pull your fucking shorts up to a normal height. | ||
Those things should be five inches higher. | ||
I know what you're doing. | ||
Your cock is slapping against your thing. | ||
You probably don't even have underwear on, you fucking creep. | ||
Jesus does not want you dressing like that. | ||
No! | ||
And look at him. | ||
He's got abs. | ||
Big ol' handsome guy. | ||
He probably dicks chicks down for the Lord, right? | ||
Dicks him down for Jesus. | ||
Look at him. | ||
Big ol' handsome, charismatic guy. | ||
Dicking him down for Jesus. | ||
Apparently he's a very good... | ||
Oh, he's hanging with Oprah! | ||
So you know he's legit. | ||
They're all in the same business. | ||
They're selling hope. | ||
Hope and joy. | ||
Hey, maybe he's good at it. | ||
Maybe he's got something. | ||
Maybe he helps people. | ||
I'm suspicious. | ||
I'm suspicious because of his shorts. | ||
Just that alone. | ||
That should be on the wall all over his church. | ||
This is me at my worst. | ||
Well, the worst thing you can do as an adult is to go out and try and find parents again. | ||
Yeah. | ||
That's the quickest way to end up in the trunk of somebody's fucking car. | ||
Find someone to take care of you? | ||
Yeah, well, I see that if your parents didn't pay attention to you or overly coddled you, I think then you go out and you start looking for a mom and a dad, a mom and a dad, and a mom and a dad, and you just give away all this fucking power. | ||
You can never give power away to someone who shows dick root. | ||
When they pull their shorts down to the base of their cock like that, like as far as you can legally get your shorts down without showing your dick. | ||
As long as the pubes are trimmed, I don't think there's anything wrong. | ||
It's okay? | ||
It's alright. | ||
That's interesting, right? | ||
Because if the pubes weren't trimmed, it would be a problem. | ||
Because if he had chaos down there, and he pulled it out, you could see the chaos? | ||
Like, basically, there's a lot of pubes that you could see right there. | ||
You could see a lot of pubes. | ||
But if you did, it would be a real issue. | ||
Isn't that interesting? | ||
The same exact area is okay if you're only seeing skin. | ||
But if you saw pubes right there, you'd be like, hey man, what in the fuck? | ||
What are you doing? | ||
That is so not acceptable in public. | ||
That's almost like the male version of a thong. | ||
Like if a guy could wear a thong. | ||
It might be worse. | ||
But it's funny though. | ||
At least if you have a thong on, you're just a freak. | ||
Like, I'm a freak. | ||
I know. | ||
I gotta be honest with you. | ||
Naked guy, always funny. | ||
It's pretty funny. | ||
Naked guy, funny. | ||
It depends. | ||
It depends on the situation. | ||
Depends on the guy. | ||
Well, if you're alone and somebody jumped out of a bush, I mean, that's not a funny naked guy. | ||
But back in the day when streaking... | ||
That's right. | ||
When a guy would jump out and run across a football field, I mean, it was the funniest... | ||
It was just the funniest fucking thing ever. | ||
They would tackle the guy. | ||
They always had a silly hat and they would just start fucking running across. | ||
You know what would always get me? | ||
I would tense up when I'd see them tackle him because I would think about his dick. | ||
His raw dick smashing into the dirt. | ||
I saw a guy when I was at Boston University Terriers game. | ||
They don't even play soccer anymore. | ||
Nickerson Field. | ||
And my godfather took me to the game, and we were sitting there, and all he had was a bandana on, and he was streaking across the field, and we were fucking crying laughing, and security was chasing me really fast. | ||
He had a bandana and these fucking Adidas dragons. | ||
It was way back in the day, right? | ||
He fucking ran across, and he tried to jump over this fucking concrete thing, and he didn't land with his junk. | ||
It was his inner thigh on the other one. | ||
I was just like, oh! | ||
He got over, and as far as I know, he got away. | ||
But I mean, dude, it was just, it wasn't even like, it wasn't nice concrete. | ||
It was that rough, unfinished shit, and he tried to hurdle it, and he got his junk, he got everything over, and it was that other leg. | ||
Nice fucking raspberry. | ||
It's amazing how vulnerable you dick is. | ||
Dick and balls. | ||
Just a simple trip with no pants on and slammed down on your dick. | ||
You're just in horrible agony. | ||
You would think there'd be some sort of junk rib cage. | ||
You know? | ||
To try and protect it, but it just... | ||
Some sort of turtle shell. | ||
No, it isn't. | ||
It's just fucking... | ||
Just out there. | ||
Just out there. | ||
Yeah, it's a terrible design. | ||
Well, the function is, I mean, it has to go in, you know, in case you didn't notice, in case you haven't been using your dick, you know what it's for. | ||
So something's got to be vulnerable, you know? | ||
It's like the Death Star. | ||
Well, it's also because the temperature, that's what it's for. | ||
The temperature of your body heats up too much and kills your sperm. | ||
So if your balls were internal and you were running around exercising, you would cook all your sperm. | ||
So the balls are hanging low on the outside. | ||
Well, why can't it go in and out like one of those electric antennas? | ||
Maybe in the future it will. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Maybe if people keep evolving. | ||
People keep evolving, you find a way to suck it up into your body. | ||
That was the thing that we'd always hear about Weichiru guys. | ||
Weichiru is a very particular hard style of karate. | ||
And guys would literally get kicked in the balls. | ||
They would kick each other in the balls. | ||
And the idea was that under some... | ||
Dubious instructors. | ||
The idea was that these guys could actually suck their testicles up into their body, like they would train to pull their testicles up into their body. | ||
And one day I talked to a doctor and he's like, that's not possible. | ||
No, it isn't. | ||
I'm like, no. | ||
But they think they can. | ||
But some guys can develop the ability to take a shot to the nuts. | ||
There's been studies done on it. | ||
There was one of those sports science shows where these guys, they measured the amount of force that a guy's throwing at this guy's dick when he punts him in the dick. | ||
And the guy's standing there like this. | ||
And he lets people just fucking straight up punt him right in the balls. | ||
And he can take it. | ||
Doesn't that affect his, you know, if he wants to be a dad? | ||
It's definitely not good. | ||
There's a trick to it. | ||
There's certainly a trick. | ||
The trick would be that even though you are definitely making contact with the balls, really most of the force is in the taint and the back of the ass. | ||
Because, you know, you're kicking somebody, right? | ||
Your foot extends past where your shin is, right? | ||
Your shin is here. | ||
Your foot is here. | ||
So if your foot is slamming into the guy's ass and taint, it's really not a lot of... | ||
unidentified
|
You've really thought about this. | |
I have. | ||
I've been kicked in the balls at least a hundred times. | ||
Hard. | ||
By grown men who know how to kick. | ||
By black belts. | ||
I've been kicked in the balls so many times. | ||
Because when you're sparring, you get kicked in the balls all the time. | ||
I mean, all the time. | ||
You probably just get used to the pain. | ||
I thought, before I had kids, I thought, my fucking balls are probably totally useless. | ||
I'm like, I'm shooting blanks, for sure. | ||
I just thought of all the times I've been slammed into the balls. | ||
I mean, I've worn every fucking cup there is, especially back when I was competing. | ||
Now they have some pretty sophisticated cups with Diamond MMA as this cup that's got a compression short and it sucks down into you and it's really hard rubber on the outside and you can actually take a good shot to the balls and it's not going to kill you. | ||
But back when I was doing it, you would get those jocks. | ||
It would just be a cup that fits in a jockstrap and you pull them up. | ||
And then eventually they made some for martial arts where it just curved under a little bit more and the cup went back to your taint. | ||
And the downside of that was there was a lot of abrasiveness when you were throwing kicks. | ||
It would rub against your inner thigh. | ||
And there was no compression shorts back then either. | ||
But I've absolutely been... | ||
I could fucking bet everything I have I've been kicked in the balls a hundred times. | ||
No question about it. | ||
They should take like a fucking, you know like they do like a mold? | ||
They should do a mold of your junk and make a custom. | ||
They should, right? | ||
Remember that group who used to do like a mold of like all the rock stars' dicks? | ||
Oh yeah, that's right. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Like a fleshlight for porn stars. | ||
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
They do that. | ||
So they would... | ||
So it fits secure. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I don't know. | ||
You get a gross look on your face here. | ||
I get weirded out by that shit. | ||
Fleshlights? | ||
Yeah, like once there's the non-human element and like, hey, you want to fuck this thing that isn't alive? | ||
There's just something like, you know? | ||
Yeah, that's just fucking... | ||
This is my asshole. | ||
This is a rubber version of my asshole. | ||
Yeah, I always... | ||
I always, yeah. | ||
Like back in the day when you wanted to get porn, you had to go into a store. | ||
I just... | ||
That stuff always... | ||
It just seems serial killer like body part type shit. | ||
Dehumanizing. | ||
Yeah. | ||
It's very effective though. | ||
The Fleshlight was a sponsor for a while. | ||
unidentified
|
I remember. | |
In the early, early days. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Those things were great. | ||
I stopped using them, though. | ||
Even though it was a sponsor, I had to try it. | ||
I had to try it. | ||
After a while, I was like, what am I doing? | ||
You did it for your listeners. | ||
Oh, yeah. | ||
That's it. | ||
Only for the listeners. | ||
It's very effective. | ||
Okay. | ||
unidentified
|
Do you know about this? | |
What's that? | ||
unidentified
|
It's called a Vajinkle. | |
What? | ||
Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
I mean, how do you not, like, become, like, how does that not do brain damage to fuck that? | ||
Oh, Jesus, that's so disgusting. | ||
You think it's bad getting caught jerking off. | ||
Can you imagine if you're slamming this foot into your fucking... | ||
First of all, it looks real enough that you fucking killed somebody. | ||
It looks real. | ||
And now you're fucking... | ||
Oh, my God, you can fuck a whole leg. | ||
That is crazy how realistic that looks. | ||
It looks like she's hanging from the ceiling. | ||
She even has, like, the skin of her heel. | ||
Looks like it's kind of mushy a little bit, right? | ||
Like it's moving around because... | ||
This site might get a little weirder too. | ||
unidentified
|
It says you can build your own mannequin here. | |
Okay. | ||
Let's just get the fuck out of here. | ||
Yeah, we are... | ||
What are you doing? | ||
I'm in synthetics. | ||
That's what that's called. | ||
Synthetics. | ||
Oh yeah? | ||
You make like parachutes and stuff? | ||
Something like that. | ||
Something. | ||
Something like that. | ||
What is it about feet? | ||
You ever want to fucking elbow? | ||
You do. | ||
Here's my business card. | ||
unidentified
|
Um... | |
I don't know. | ||
I think you buy that and a few weeks later you buy a giant freezer. | ||
Just think you're going down that road, man. | ||
Yeah, it ain't good. | ||
That's not good. | ||
Which I honestly think, like, there's so many people that had tendencies that never, when you're just living in log cabins and shit, like, you just never were able to explore. | ||
And I feel like the same way, you know, I can watch all these people building cars and stuff, or you can tap into some dark shit about yourself and And, you know, that thing opens the coffin lid and sits up, and then that's in your fucking personality now. | ||
It's a very, I don't know, I try to stay away from shit like that. | ||
Well, especially if you're a kid that's been abused. | ||
I think that's the real trigger. | ||
The real trigger is kids that get abused, they get abused young, and then they develop this anger, this hatred. | ||
And then, as they get older, then they find these weird outlets, and then they pursue them. | ||
Yeah. | ||
Yeah. | ||
I can attest to a lot of that. | ||
Basically describe my fucking life. | ||
So anyways, we're going to fucking... | ||
Let's go get in the sauna. | ||
Let's do it. | ||
We'll wrap this up. | ||
Ladies and gentlemen... | ||
Jesus Christ, now I'm going to be looking at your fucking foot when I'm in there. | ||
F is for family. | ||
unidentified
|
Yes, please, show me something else so I get that out of my fucking head. | |
Yeah. | ||
Parisian O'Neill, Comedy Benefit. | ||
February 19th. | ||
An amazing lineup for the greatest live comic I ever fucking saw. | ||
Big Jay Oakerson, Chris Redd, Cypher Sounds, Gary Goleman, Jim Gaffigan, Michelle Wolf, Rich Voss, and other people that will... | ||
I'll try to talk Joe into flying out there for it in the sauna when he gets fucking delirious enough. | ||
unidentified
|
Hell of a show. | |
Hell of a show, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
One of these years. | ||
One of these years we gotta get you out there. | ||
I'll be happy to. | ||
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
And then F is for family... | ||
Season 3. Season 3. Streaming now on Netflix. | ||
Streaming now. | ||
God damn. | ||
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
Alright. | ||
Thanks everybody. | ||
Thank you Joe. | ||
unidentified
|
Bye. |