Nov. 5, 2018 - The Joe Rogan Experience
04:22:34
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Boom! | ||
| It's over, boys! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cheers! | |
| We did it! | ||
| Cheers, cheers! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sobroctovers! | |
| Cheers! | ||
| Come to an end! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cheers! | |
| It's now No Remember November. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Better November. | |
| No Remember November, I like that. | ||
| First of all, whose fucking stupid idea was it to do this goddamn fitness challenge, Tommy Bunz? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was awful. | |
| Last year we did a nice, calm 15 hot yogas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was also awful. | ||
| Not even close. | ||
| Not even close to this. | ||
| Not even close. | ||
| No, this was so much more difficult. | ||
| And I didn't expect this, but I like it. | ||
| I think it's fun to be competitive with your friends. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's a fun thing. | ||
| Not year-round, but like isolating something like this. | ||
| Once a year. | ||
| You get to see different sides of people you didn't know existed. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Jesus Christ, Joe. | ||
| I wasn't happy for any of you. | ||
| And you worked out. | ||
| Dude, you have no idea. | ||
| I don't think anyone gets the real perspective. | ||
| When Joe is focused on something, I've never seen anything like that in my fucking life. | ||
| Well, I know the funniest, because everybody's competitive, and this brings it out. | ||
| But the funny thing was Burt being like, whatever Joe does, I'll do double. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Definitely. | |
| He was like, fuck that. | ||
| And the other thing I didn't expect ever. | ||
| I thought Ari would just be like, whatever. | ||
| I'm just gonna walk in the East Village. | ||
| I was worried about him the most. | ||
| I didn't think you were gonna do shit. | ||
| I was worried about him the most from the beginning. | ||
| Because I know Ari's brain. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'd be like, nah, I'm out. | ||
| Fuck this. | ||
| No way. | ||
| You were saying that, though. | ||
| Three days in, you were texting like, this is dumb. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| He says that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| This is what he's saying. | ||
| He's saying that, and he means it while he says it, but he's also like, I'm going to fucking kill these guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then he gets really serious about it. | ||
| He gets serious. | ||
| Yeah, but I was looking for loopholes in order to trick you guys to somehow not work out. | ||
| So I thought if I could get a bunch of points all to join in seven or eight days in... | ||
| And then you could be done? | ||
| No, then I'd be like, what the fuck? | ||
| Like, yeah, I've been secretly working out, but now I'm too far away, so don't try to catch up. | ||
| Oh, right, right, right. | ||
| There was some psychological sneakery he was doing with me. | ||
| He was saying, you should just do your regular workout and see what your score's like. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that was a big one to try to control Joe. | ||
| I was a big fan of that one, too. | ||
| Just do your regular fucking weights. | ||
| Because you were entertaining that for a second. | ||
| I was in the beginning. | ||
| I was like, this is so stupid. | ||
| But then I was like, I can't lose. | ||
| And then I thought about it, and the other thing I was thinking This is what my plan was. | ||
| My plan was to keep up with you guys for two weeks. | ||
| And then after two weeks, to set aside a lot of time and about... | ||
| And then lap us? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, no, just go psycho. | ||
| I was like, I'm just going to go psycho. | ||
| I'm going to put a pace that I don't think anybody else can keep up with for the last two weeks. | ||
| The last two weeks, I just said, I'm going to put in some 600-point days. | ||
| I put in 1,000-point day. | ||
| Dude, that's when I stopped looking at you. | ||
| For context... | ||
| Like, I was looking at the... | ||
| When we started this month, and I put in my 700-point day, everyone was a little bit like, wow, Bert. | ||
| By the way, I ran almost a marathon that day. | ||
| Have no fucking clue. | ||
| I was just looking at my goddamn phone the whole time. | ||
| Just checking the points. | ||
| So people don't know what the points are. | ||
| We'll explain. | ||
| If you get 70% of your max heart rate, that's 3 points a minute. | ||
| If you get 80% of your max heart rate or above, that's 4 points a minute. | ||
| So we all try to stay in the 80 range because that's where you get your money. | ||
| So a heavy workout for an hour in that range of 80 to 100, a heavy workout gives you 240 points. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's if you're maxed out for 60 minutes. | |
| That just gives you context. | ||
| One day I did a 935 point workout. | ||
| It was over after that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tom and I were talking. | |
| I was in New York and he called me and was like, dude, he's just fucking going, dragging elk around. | ||
| He has it on the whole time. | ||
| He's dragging elk around. | ||
| No, that wasn't even that one. | ||
| That was the elk hunting day. | ||
| It was mostly a hiking mountains day. | ||
| That was like a 600 point day. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| That's when you were there and you were actually working out in the mountains as well. | ||
| Yeah, we thought we had you stopped. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| I would have been like, guys, I'm elk hunting. | ||
| I made the mistake of jokingly saying, oh, I got him. | ||
| Joe's on an elk hunting vacation. | ||
| And the hunters were like, dude, it's not a fucking vacation. | ||
| It's work. | ||
| And I was like, easy, guys. | ||
| Well, you got a backpack on and you can walk as many as, the most I've ever walked is 12 miles in a day. | ||
| And you're walking up and down in elevation, you're going up and down. | ||
| Like, I saved it one day because it was so ridiculous because I'd gone up and down, I forget it, like 130 flights of stairs, something fucking crazy. | ||
| But you ended up getting your, what did you shoot on this hunt? | ||
| A thousand pound elk. | ||
| Yeah, it was a big elk. | ||
| You got it like relatively quickly, right? | ||
| Yeah, on the first day. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| So then I came back. | ||
| We just kept going more those days. | ||
| I came back, but the 935 point day, that was my big day. | ||
| Well, it was a thousand points. | ||
| Because I did 935 in the day, and then I did a podcast, and then I did 100 later on in the day. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Does the family see you guys anymore? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah, that's what I was wondering. | ||
| There was, like, I didn't have... | ||
| Part of it was time management. | ||
| I suffered socially from this. | ||
| The huge part was, like, who had the most time to spend in the gym? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was here two Mondays ago, or last Monday, and it was popping night at the comedy store. | ||
| I was going to hang out with everybody, you know? | ||
| And then it was, like... | ||
| Nah, it's 10 o'clock. | ||
| I gotta get a couple hours in. | ||
| Your workouts were so late. | ||
| I gotta say this. | ||
| Fuck you with you posting your goddamn workouts in the middle of the night. | ||
| It was so deflating to go to sleep going, I've got a 200-point lead, and to wake up and go, how am I 600 points behind? | ||
| I tried to break spirit. | ||
| Because that's the other thing. | ||
| Ari went through when he got this tracker, and he found out all the workarounds. | ||
| So he would build up work points in his tracker, and then he'd Bluetooth it in the middle of the fucking night. | ||
| No, I'd also do the workouts there. | ||
| He'd work out. | ||
| He was doing workouts at like 10 p.m. | ||
| I'd come home from the cellar at 1.30 a.m., and then I'd be like, let me change and go out there. | ||
| He would go out to the gym at 2 in the morning. | ||
| Oh, you were going at... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I thought you were uploading in the middle of the night. | ||
| No. | ||
| You can see the time that he was actually doing it. | ||
| Yeah, the freaks were out. | ||
| For a second, Tom and I thought that because Ari was so out of shape, his heart rate was just skyrocketing like Ralphie walking up stairs. | ||
| And then Ari and I went on a walk, on a hike, And I was in the yellow the whole time, and Ari was barely in green. | ||
| And I was like, oh, he's in really good shape. | ||
| And then you did that day with Joe. | ||
| The best is that he really bought that theory really hard. | ||
| That it was just that me was out of shape. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And he was saying it a lot. | ||
| Dude, I texted Rogan and Tom about it. | ||
| I was like, Ari's not doing anything. | ||
| He's barely walking, but because he's out of shape. | ||
| Oh, he was selling it so hard. | ||
| And then I called him. | ||
| I go, how'd it go on the hike? | ||
| He's definitely better in shape than me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Immediately. | |
| Well, it's a psychological thing. | ||
| You don't want to think that a guy who hasn't been working out at all is in good shape. | ||
| But I think you pushed yourself through the first week or two, and then you got in good shape. | ||
| And then I kept going. | ||
| Okay, first of all, I had fallback plans. | ||
| Okay, what was the plans? | ||
| Okay, Michelle Wolfe offered to give, let me just have her wear the thing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| From day one, that was definitely the fallback. | ||
| Tommy, I knew that was going to happen regardless. | ||
| Is she a workout fiend? | ||
| Oh yeah, she runs 10 miles a day, every day. | ||
| And when I asked her, I was like, hey, would you wear this thing for me if I needed you to? | ||
| She goes... | ||
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
| Absolutely, I'll wear it for you. | ||
| I will stay in the right zone. | ||
| I'll tell no one. | ||
| She feels left out. | ||
| She thinks she would laugh all of us. | ||
| She's a beast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, she goes crazy. | |
| She probably would. | ||
| None of this is what we do. | ||
| I don't do long cardio sessions. | ||
| I did five and a half hours on an elliptical after running for an hour. | ||
| What?! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is how you get one of those crazy days? | ||
| That's how I got 935 points. | ||
| I ran for an hour and then I stayed in the elliptical for five and a half hours. | ||
| You would see it going. | ||
| You'd check in and be like, fucking Rogan got 300 points. | ||
| And then you'd talk and you'd check back in 30 minutes later and be like, oh no, it's still going. | ||
| It's still going. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Well, I wanted to see how far I could go. | ||
| The thought was, when you're tired, how tired are you? | ||
| Can you take another step? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Can you take two? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Can you take three? | ||
| Can you just keep going? | ||
| I bet you can keep going. | ||
| Let's see how long you can keep going. | ||
| And then you get to this point where you just think about breathing. | ||
| Just think about breathing. | ||
| That's what I was thinking about. | ||
| I was just thinking about in and outs and just trying to stay, almost like a meditative state, trying to stay in the zone. | ||
| And I was pouring sweat. | ||
| I set off the fire alarm. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Because there was so much steam. | ||
| I've never seen that before. | ||
| It set off the fire alarm. | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
| That was like four hours in. | ||
| I feel like that's a story most people don't get to tell about themselves, you know? | ||
| Dude, it was madness. | ||
| This is not how I work out. | ||
| I work out for maybe an hour at most. | ||
| I hit the bag. | ||
| I'll do some rounds. | ||
| I'll lift a little weights. | ||
| I'm not trying to kill myself. | ||
| This was very interesting because I didn't know how my body would respond to a month of psychotic exercise. | ||
| Did you guys do the things where you'd be like, the voices say, you gotta quit. | ||
| Quit. | ||
| Take a walk for a little bit and then go back and do it. | ||
| And then if you just go like, oh, I'm at 4.8 miles, let me just go until 5. Or like, I'm almost at halfway through this hour, so let me just get to 30 minutes and it'll be downhill. | ||
| I can stop there. | ||
| It fucked with my obsessive compulsiveness really bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I get to the place where I go, alright, I just want to get to 200 points. | ||
| And then I'd be like, oh shit, I'm only at 950 calories. | ||
| I want to get to 1,000 calories. | ||
| I'm like, oh, I'm right by 220. I want to get to 220. And then it gets to a point where I believe it's like you get in the zone where you go, I'm just going to keep going. | ||
| Everyone's asleep. | ||
| I'm going to keep walking. | ||
| And dude, it got bad with me. | ||
| To the point where, I mean, we should talk about physical breakdowns in a little bit, because I know all of us dealt with some sort of physical breakdown, but I was having nightmares that you guys had fucked with my tracker and put it in that I was younger and lighter, so I wasn't earning the... | ||
| I'm not even joking. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| In a panic? | ||
| In a panic and checked my fucking stats on my phone. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Somebody got into your shit and hacked it. | ||
| And I was like, these my goats, I wouldn't put it past them. | ||
| Yeah, you get that point. | ||
| Can I tell you my other cheat? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, I figured out pretty quickly that the way they do your max heart rate is your age minus... | ||
| No, a certain number minus your age. | ||
| And then you get it from there. | ||
| Then when you actually run, it'll move up or down from there. | ||
| But right away, I was like, oh, okay. | ||
| So I entered my age, and before I started, I wrote to the MyZone people and said, my idiot wife... | ||
| Wrote my age in wrong. | ||
| I'm actually 74. I was born in 44, not 74 and 44 the other way. | ||
| I'm like, alright, we'll change it for you, sir. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you put the 70-year-old man profile? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Wait, hold on. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| The whole month you worked out as a 74-year-old man? | ||
| No, I could have done that. | ||
| The problem is I already set it as the other thing. | ||
| And so it'll say you have to then... | ||
| You have to have a brand new thing. | ||
| It didn't work. | ||
| So you stuck as a 44. It would have been great for me to just walk around casually earning yellow the whole time. | ||
| Which I could have gotten. | ||
| That would have been insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was definitely a good cheat in my mind. | ||
| When that went wrong, I was like, fuck. | ||
| I feel like that one would have disqualified you. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I would never have told you that. | ||
| I'm still on the fence with these fucking five hour hikes he was taking. | ||
| Well, listen, man. | ||
| Hiking is work. | ||
| It is work. | ||
| You're going uphill for a long distance. | ||
| I don't give a fuck, you guys. | ||
| Or it's hard. | ||
| No, of course you did. | ||
| You did. | ||
| You did. | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| I saw him here on the rowing machine going hard for an hour. | ||
| I watched it on my phone. | ||
| It's hard when you go uphill. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Dude, you earned it. | ||
| You earned it. | ||
| I'm not gonna shit on that at all. | ||
| I went on fucking hikes. | ||
| I think we should really, really keep ourselves from judging how hard other people work. | ||
| Every time I did that! | ||
| Every time! | ||
| Somebody got a big score. | ||
| I was like, what'd you do? | ||
| You cheated. | ||
| How'd you cheat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What'd you do? | |
| Dude, my hardest workout scored the shittiest. | ||
| My hardest workouts are running the hills and lifting weights. | ||
| If I run the hills, it gives me almost 40 points less than if I just rode a bike or rode an elliptical machine. | ||
| Because you stayed in the zone. | ||
| And you go up and down. | ||
| You have to pause. | ||
| And the way I do it is I run hard and I take breaks. | ||
| I take a deep breath when I get to the top of one hill. | ||
| He strokes his dick the whole time too, so that's difficult. | ||
| I rub my balls gently with my left hand, and I give myself another sprint until I can't. | ||
| I have these points where I know I can make it to if I go full clip, and then I try to extend it a little bit, and I keep trying to extend it. | ||
| But when I do that, I'm going in the red. | ||
| And on top of going in the red, it's like lifting weights. | ||
| You need recovery time. | ||
| And in recovery time, your heart rate crashes way low. | ||
| You could just do the elliptical machine and just put it at like 15 resistance so it's got some give to it. | ||
| You start sweating. | ||
| Then you get into a zone. | ||
| It's way easier. | ||
| A machine makes it all easy. | ||
| Because you just get into a zone and you just got to be strong. | ||
| I think the thing with those, I mean, even though, like, if you do an intense workout, recovery is going to be, you know, you're going to need it, you're going to feel it. | ||
| If you do those for, like, days in a row, there is still a fatigue, right? | ||
| There's fatigue, but there's not... | ||
| I would weaken over the month. | ||
| What was getting me was the pounding, the running up the hills. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's no pounding on the elliptical. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Your foot stays in it. | ||
| My feet were starting to hurt by the end because I was running miles in the hills every day with those minimalist shoes on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which, man, those things, they really do work. | ||
| Like, they really do work. | ||
| But the way they work is they make your feet work harder. | ||
| So if your feet aren't conditioned for that shit, man, your feet are, like, one of the first things that wear out. | ||
| Like, a nice, spongy running shoe is just so much, like, smush, smush every time you step on things. | ||
| If you get that and it's gone, and you have this really thin layer of rubber with some tread, it's just your foot hitting the ground over and over and over again. | ||
| There's very little padding. | ||
| Almost none. | ||
| Were you using the Ultras as well? | ||
| The running shoe, the Ultra? | ||
| I was using one called Zero, and I was using one called Vivo, Vivo Barefoot. | ||
| They're my favorite ones. | ||
| They're really good. | ||
| Because I was wearing the five-toe ones, but... | ||
| I keep jamming my toes into shit. | ||
| I'm running hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm tired. | |
| Because I'm fucking exhausted. | ||
| I need something that covers all the toes so I don't jam one into a rock because I'm just too exhausted. | ||
| Can you walk me through what a regular workout was for you? | ||
| I'd be curious what everyone's regular workout was. | ||
| What I would do is if I would run, I would run for an hour. | ||
| Just an hour. | ||
| Just take my dog. | ||
| Treadmill. | ||
| Run through the hills. | ||
| Oh yeah, run in the hills. | ||
| Because it's two things. | ||
| One, he needs exercise. | ||
| He's young. | ||
| He loves to run with me. | ||
| And two, it's a real good form of exercise. | ||
| I know it's more beneficial than the elliptical machine. | ||
| It's got to be. | ||
| It made my ass bigger. | ||
| It made my legs bigger. | ||
| They all got bigger. | ||
| Especially, I feel weight... | ||
| Pants fit different. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because I've only been doing this for like two years. | ||
| Pushing yourself up. | ||
| Plus, also, your own nature has got to be healthy for you, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| For sure. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But before that, I was doing just weightlifting stuff for my legs. | ||
| I would do like squats, or I would do cleans and presses and overheads, you know, do like presses with the kettlebells overhead and stuff like that, which is all great. | ||
| It's all really good stuff, but it's not sustained motion. | ||
| There's something about the sustained motion of running hills that I think boosts your vitality. | ||
| It gives you more energy. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Because you have to work so, to run a hill is one of the more difficult things to do in exercise. | ||
| It's just, you gotta fucking just get, you're basically doing like bodyweight squats with one leg over and over and over again. | ||
| God, it sucks when you're going uphill, you got a 45 degree. | ||
| It's hard, man. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| But it's so beneficial. | ||
| When I went to hitting the bags, what I would do is, on days I would do that, I would run and then I would get on the elliptical machine, or I'd run and I'd get on the bike, or the echo bike, which is like an airdyne, beefed up airdyne machine. | ||
| Those things fuck you up. | ||
| Or that assault thing, the assault fitness treadmill. | ||
| Do you like that? | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Fucking hard. | ||
| It's really hard. | ||
| It's not a treadmill. | ||
| It's not enjoyable. | ||
| It's an extra bump harder than running on the road. | ||
| Harder than running on the road. | ||
| Much harder than running on the road. | ||
| Why would they make it harder than that? | ||
| It's for real athletes. | ||
| Because it's self-powered and it's really beneficial. | ||
| You gave up your other treadmill for that one? | ||
| It was a mistake. | ||
| No! | ||
| No, it was not, Bert. | ||
| It was the right move. | ||
| It's harder than running. | ||
| I had that in my man cave. | ||
| That was my go-to at the end of the night, was get on that thing. | ||
| And, dude, that was not forgiving. | ||
| I'm so glad I wore you out and you couldn't do it real. | ||
| It's called an air assault fitness trainer. | ||
| That's the Air Runner. | ||
| Yeah, that thing is supposed to be at least 30% harder. | ||
| It's the shit. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I get on that thing, it's like, whoa, we're going to work. | ||
| I texted you when I saw you got it, and I was like, you like that? | ||
| And you're like, I love it. | ||
| And I was like, I'm out. | ||
| It doesn't hurt your knees. | ||
| It's not pounding. | ||
| It's got a good amount of give to it because it's got this tread to it, and it's just got enough shock so that as you're running, you don't feel like it's a big pounding on your joints, but it's all self-propelled. | ||
| So you really get a good rhythm going, and your fucking legs get tired. | ||
| What's great for it is sprinting on it. | ||
| You can get up and sprint, and your sprints, that really raised your heart rate. | ||
| I think the key also, here's a big key, you've got to be distracted. | ||
| You've got to be able to either be distracted by meditating and getting into some sort of a weird breathing zone, or you've got to listen to podcasts, or you've got to listen to music. | ||
| For me, books on tape did the best for when I was out in the wild. | ||
| If I was out in the wild, I was listening to books on tape. | ||
| Thinking about something distracted me from the physical exertion of exercise. | ||
| But indoors, two things helped. | ||
| Violent movies. | ||
| In fights. | ||
| Watching fights. | ||
| I like watching games. | ||
| Because they get your heart rate jacked up. | ||
| When you're watching a fight, you get your heart rate jacked up. | ||
| And you're watching guys get hit, and you're fucking on this thing. | ||
| Before you know it, you sweat as puddles. | ||
| I watch a bunch of football. | ||
| And then during timeouts, you can do whatever. | ||
| Well, I would do the thing where you're just kind of going, going, but I noticed there was like a punt return or a kickoff return. | ||
| When I watched Gladiator, there was a giant spike whenever there was sword fights. | ||
| And I was like, oh my God, that's what I'm doing. | ||
| I'm allowing myself to get so caught up in this movie that I'm like fighting. | ||
| I'm going to break this one. | ||
| I'm going to break it right now. | ||
| Yeah, I got excited. | ||
| Is it in the red? | ||
| Dude, I gotta give a shout-out to Run the Jewels. | ||
| Run the Jewels is perfect fucking canyon running. | ||
| Dude, Run the Jewels, Killer Mike. | ||
| Dude, run them jewels fast. | ||
| Run them, run them jewels. | ||
| That's perfect momentum, dude. | ||
| I listen to nothing. | ||
| When I think... | ||
| When I think about this month, I'll think of two things. | ||
| I'll thank God it's over, and I'll think of Run the Goddamn Jewels, because that's all I listen to running. | ||
| Dude, that's a great running song, and a great running song will give you like 10% more energy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| When it kicks in to overdrive on some song, you're like, oh wait, it's this one? | ||
| And then you're waiting for the beat to drop, and you just start going and going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I get real excited. | ||
| I'll sprint for it. | ||
| I feel like I'm going to fight somebody. | ||
| If I put on a lot of Public Enemy, and just put it on a mix of Public Enemy, I'll feel like I'm going... | ||
| Well, that's good, too. | ||
| That's good, too. | ||
| You know what got me through the first week? | ||
| And then I realized I could run with you guys. | ||
| I was like, oh, I think I'm okay. | ||
| Watching all your specials. | ||
| I brought the fucking Netflix thing out there. | ||
| I watch each of your Netflix specials. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, got me through the first whole week. | ||
| The whole time you're running, you're going, ha! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should have worked harder on that pun. | |
| I'm getting back. | ||
| Did you write any jokes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cheap way out. | |
| Did you write any jokes while you were running? - Good morning. | ||
| I don't think I did. | ||
| I didn't write any jokes about the gym. | ||
| I wrote so many goddamn jokes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| Oh, fuck, yeah. | ||
| I smiled at a woman when I was jogging, and I said, the joke was, I only smiled and know I'm not having a stroke. | ||
| I'm not flirting with you, honey. | ||
| I'm just trying to not have a stroke. | ||
| Dude, I went to a dark place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Went to a dark place. | ||
| And you took us with you, okay? | ||
| Well, I was like, I'm going to win. | ||
| That was my thought. | ||
| I was like, whatever you think you can do, let's keep going. | ||
| Let's see what happens. | ||
| That's a weird switch that goes off. | ||
| It's like, let's see who's willing to die. | ||
| It became the contest. | ||
| The last week or so was dangerous. | ||
| Dude, it got tricky when I started pissing iced tea. | ||
| A lot of people were asking me about it. | ||
| It's just dehydration. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| That's not just. | ||
| Dude, people would message us, by the way. | ||
| Joe's gonna die. | ||
| I'm okay, I didn't get rhabdo, but some people were upset. | ||
| They wanted me almost to get it because I've always ragged on these CrossFit guys to get it. | ||
| I have not ragged on them. | ||
| What I've said is that I have heard some negative opinions about CrossFits from experts that I trust, like Steve Maxwell. | ||
| I'm not a fitness expert by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
| I don't know whether CrossFit's bad or good, and I bet it's probably based on your application. | ||
| The way you do it, because if somebody asked me, is jujitsu good for your body? | ||
| I'd be like, well, I've had a bunch of surgeries. | ||
| Everybody I know has had surgeries. | ||
| Everybody I know that does jujitsu, Ari gets, he didn't even get his blue belt and he got surgery. | ||
| Yeah, but I will say before we started this podcast, Joe did say those CrossFit people are tree-hugging hippies who want to get their yoga black belt. | ||
| I want a yoga black belt. | ||
| I'd love a yoga black belt. | ||
| I'm like a blue belt in yoga. | ||
| Dude, halfway through the month, I told Tom this the other day, and he laughed, so I tried it on stage and it worked, but I stopped producing semen. | ||
| Just coughing dust? | ||
| Dude, my dick had the dry heaves, just... | ||
| People ask me, it's like, did your sex drive go up? | ||
| And I wanted to be like, yeah, but then I was like, no. | ||
| I had no energy for that. | ||
| Probably so tired. | ||
| So tired. | ||
| Dude, how about those sleeps, though? | ||
| I was sleeping like a fucking perfect person, like a baby. | ||
| Most of the time. | ||
| You know what I noticed? | ||
| It's a big one for me. | ||
| It really might make me change the way I live. | ||
| Zero anxiety. | ||
| Zero negative chatter. | ||
| Zero chatter. | ||
| There's a realistic view of the world that you get from rigorous exercise. | ||
| And this is my theory. | ||
| I'm not a biologist. | ||
| We have too much of a history as a species of constantly avoiding danger. | ||
| And I think we live in a place that's far too safe for our natural instincts. | ||
| And so we're constantly looking for things to be bad, or looking for things to be dangerous, or confronting our own mortality and putting it on the back burner and letting all that weirdness manifest itself in all sorts of other fears. | ||
| Fears about the government, fears about economics, and fears about this. | ||
| And I think we're dealing with this as human beings all the time. | ||
| And I think there's only a certain amount you can do. | ||
| And I think when you have rigorous exercise, it puts in perspective what that certain amount actually is and what you can control as a person. | ||
| That you can just chill your body out and look at this whole thing for what it is. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| You know, we're going to be fine or we're not. | ||
| And then it won't matter. | ||
| But this whole thing that we do when we do this, we do this because our body has a need for exercise. | ||
| It has a built-in need. | ||
| It's got an engine that needs to be pushed, and if you don't push it, it starts fucking with you. | ||
| It starts fucking with you and asking you weird questions like, who the fuck's that guy think he is? | ||
| Like, it wants to start problems. | ||
| It wants to get upset at things that don't make any sense to be upset at. | ||
| It wants conflict. | ||
| There's a part of you that wants conflict because it thinks that conflict's a part of the programming. | ||
| It's because it's been our way for millions of years. | ||
| So whatever the fuck we were then to whatever the fuck we are now, there's been conflict along the way. | ||
| People have been trying to eat us. | ||
| Things have been trying to kill us. | ||
| And this is the only time ever that there's none of that. | ||
| And I think the only time you could see things with perspective is when you blow out all the biological shit. | ||
| Whether it's jerk off. | ||
| Like, how many times have you jerked off and then had a totally different opinion of a person about... | ||
| Like, you've jerked off and not called people. | ||
| Like, why would I call this person after I just jerked off? | ||
| Like, no. | ||
| Now I see what this hole is. | ||
| This is some weird biological trick. | ||
| I'm playing some stupid game. | ||
| I'm so high. | ||
| High as fuck. | ||
| Dude, I love... | ||
| I'll tell you what this one month did for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It got me back in spin class. | ||
| I love spin class, man. | ||
| Powerful gay bird. | ||
| I fucking love it, dude. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Good for you, man. | ||
| Do you like the music? | ||
| No, I like the station. | ||
| What does it just make you spin as fast as slow as it speeds? | ||
| SoulCycle. | ||
| It just... | ||
| You close your eyes. | ||
| And you remember when we talked and I said... | ||
| I had Bob Harper as my spin teacher one time. | ||
| And the thing he said about wanting me to go back and fuck people I grew up with or whatever. | ||
| Is Bob Parker the Kobe Bryant of spin classes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, he's from Biggest Loser, Bob Harper. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And so I got... | ||
| Did you guys know who he was? | ||
| No, I have no idea who that was. | ||
| I was a big Biggest Loser fan. | ||
| I love that show. | ||
| But I like the way they talk to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It seems fun. | |
| I like closing my eyes. | ||
| I like the first break of sweat. | ||
| I love what I love. | ||
| And I have to say, I have to give props to people more than anything. | ||
| Ari doing that rower redefined the way I had to look at working out. | ||
| Because I went, he was an 80%. | ||
| Like, I know what 80% feels like. | ||
| He was there for an hour. | ||
| On a rower, it's fucking hard. | ||
| That was a tough one. | ||
| Some of them were harder than others to keep at 80%. | ||
| Viking was way harder. | ||
| Did you know you were capable of it? | ||
| Seriously, did you know? | ||
| No. | ||
| I thought he was capable of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did not. | |
| Running and stuff, that's fine. | ||
| I could sort of do that, but I didn't know quite how much. | ||
| 80% on a rower. | ||
| Ari's angry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ari's an angry person. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Even when he's playful, angry. | ||
| That's my zen spot. | ||
| But even when Ari's playful, angry, it's still energy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like that anger, like the anger that he gave everybody on that fucking podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what he did? | ||
| Yeah, you're a hate cast. | ||
| One of my favorite podcasts ever. | ||
| Ari's hiking around, doing a podcast, talking shit about us. | ||
| Trying to stay at 70%. | ||
| It's brilliant. | ||
| It's brilliant. | ||
| But it's energy. | ||
| See, that kind of anger, that's either in you or it's not. | ||
| And I knew Ari had it. | ||
| It's a matter of getting the old engine fired up again. | ||
| He's not too old. | ||
| I knew you used to play basketball a lot. | ||
| That was one of my resolutions this year, was to go to the gym like once a week. | ||
| Like something attainable. | ||
| And I still hadn't done it until then. | ||
| Jesus, man. | ||
| Well, I remember when you did jujitsu, you were very enthusiastic about it. | ||
| And I remember you were fucking trying hard. | ||
| And I remember one time you legitimately swept me. | ||
| Legitimately swept me. | ||
| Yes, you did. | ||
| And I was a brown belt. | ||
| I was a brown belt at the time. | ||
| You can get over on people once in a while in jujitsu. | ||
| Just once in a while, you'll be like, oh, you forgot to lock up! | ||
| I slept on him. | ||
| I'll tell you 100% the truth. | ||
| This is what happened. | ||
| We were rolling together, and I was like, okay, dude, let's just do this. | ||
| I'm not going to hurt you. | ||
| We'll be cool. | ||
| And we got into a position. | ||
| I got on top of him, and I just got a little relaxed. | ||
| And all of a sudden, boom, Ari hip pops, takes my leg out from under me, and he swept me. | ||
| And I'm like, you motherfucker. | ||
| I got a little calm, and he exploded. | ||
| I'm like, oh, okay, I see what's up. | ||
| So I knew a part of Ari that you guys didn't know, because Ari and I have been engaged. | ||
| By the way, then he swept me right back against somebody. | ||
| I was like, it's not your place. | ||
| By the way, there's a part of me that really wants to experience trying to roll with Joe for a second. | ||
| After this contest, knowing what he's capable of, just to feel true helplessness. | ||
| It's a good feeling. | ||
| It is! | ||
| This is why it's a good feeling. | ||
| Because if you can handle it, then at least you know where you are on this little weird food chain of who can kill who with their bare hands. | ||
| And then you also know that whatever these people know, you can learn too. | ||
| It's not a physical thing. | ||
| I know guys that are much weaker than me that can fuck me up. | ||
| If we roll together, they're going to tap me 100% of the time. | ||
| My friend Denny weighs 160-something pounds. | ||
| I mean, I tapped him when he was young. | ||
| But you couldn't now. | ||
| No, he kills me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He strangles me. | ||
| He strangles me. | ||
| Just what, superior technique? | ||
| Just way better than me. | ||
| Way better, way more focused. | ||
| Been doing it as a life. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| I don't have the... | ||
| Listen, you have to have the time to get serious about something. | ||
| We had the time to get serious about this for a month. | ||
| We did have the time to get serious about it. | ||
| Suddenly out of the blue. | ||
| By the way, Tom suggested it like four or five days before it started. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Yeah, this was not a planned out thing at all. | ||
| I've been wearing that thing for perspective, though. | ||
| I started January with it. | ||
| And like an average month has been probably 2,300 points or something. | ||
| How much did you get this one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
90... | |
| 95-something. | ||
| Talk about the percentages of how we finished in the... | ||
| Because you hitting them up, that blew me away. | ||
| Well, they said there's a million registered users, first of all. | ||
| And we're at 0.1%. | ||
| Okay, but hold on. | ||
| Most of those didn't even have it on. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| We're going into what November is now, and we're not really... | ||
| No, I'm not saying everybody was actively all using it. | ||
| You mean the people that are a million users? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, whoever is using it. | ||
| Well, I don't know what the database... | ||
| It's a good point, Ari. | ||
| That's a fair point. | ||
| Because we really don't know what percentage those people actually keep it, right? | ||
| Yeah, other people trying. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We know that Killer was a D1 athlete, though. | ||
| Yeah, your fucking gym has a lot of people trying. | ||
| That's the thing we can actually point against people who are trying. | ||
| If we had to guess, if we had to agree on a number, would you guys say that half the people would use it regularly, or no? | ||
| If there's a million people, would you really think it would be half? | ||
| Even if it's a quarter, we're still talking about a.5. | ||
| We'd be.5 percentile, whatever, 99.5th percentile. | ||
| Yeah, it wouldn't go up much. | ||
| It wouldn't go up much, even under a smaller variable. | ||
| But I think that what those other people are, at the top, are probably fitness instructors. | ||
| Killer was. | ||
| That's what MySpace was. | ||
| MySpace. | ||
| MyZone, yeah. | ||
| That's what MyZone's told me. | ||
| Oh, that was my other cheap plan? | ||
| Go to the gym with $15 and say, please wear this, and I'll give you $15. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not joking. | |
| I was going to hang out there. | ||
| Is 15 the sweet spot? | ||
| I just figured it wasn't too much, but I would have to do it a lot. | ||
| Fuck this. | ||
| I'll tell you, I'll walk you through my plan the whole month. | ||
| What was your plan? | ||
| Do not get hurt. | ||
| That was number one. | ||
| That's a good plan. | ||
| I was like, don't get hurt, because if I get hurt, get shin splints, or get heel spurs, I'm fucked. | ||
| Five days in. | ||
| I was so excited at the prospect of you being out. | ||
| Anytime someone was like, I think I fucking had it. | ||
| No, because you hurt your ankle or something. | ||
| When I hurt my ankle, legit, swear to God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How excited were you? | |
| Excited but cautious, and I knew it was like, this is not real. | ||
| And you saw me slip. | ||
| And then I saw you walk fine normally. | ||
| I was totally fine. | ||
| What a fucking phony faker. | ||
| I was totally fine. | ||
| You were fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was fine. | |
| I knew it. | ||
| But no, but I got it. | ||
| I swear to God, I'll call my fucking wife right now. | ||
| Oh, she'll lie for you. | ||
| She better. | ||
| She better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| My friend Molly saw you in fucking spin that day. | ||
| He texted me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He texted me. | |
| Oh, my phone was fucking falling. | ||
| Oh, fuck that. | ||
| Spin, the one exercise you don't need your legs for. | ||
| Were you worried about me when I was sick? | ||
| Oh, I knew you were giving me the old doc holiday. | ||
| That too. | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
| Old doc holiday. | ||
| I was sick. | ||
| Hey, Wyatt, I can't make this. | ||
| I'm dying, Wyatt. | ||
| Guys, he told me he was sick, and he took photos of his medication and sanity. | ||
| You think I made that up? | ||
| No, I think, but you took half a day off. | ||
| You went one half day, and then you were right back to full speed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No. | ||
| Thank you, Ari. | ||
| Thank you, Ari. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| One half day, one full day, one crazy day. | ||
| I had a day where I was like, look, I gotta get something. | ||
| And by something, I was thinking 150 or something. | ||
| And that was the beginning or the second to worst day. | ||
| And I put it on. | ||
| I was like, I'll just get that. | ||
| And I walked down the street and I was like, I felt so sick. | ||
| I got 40. That's like a none. | ||
| Okay, right. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| The next day... | ||
| I was able to get like, I think a hundred and something, and that was split up in two also. | ||
| And so then I was like, I'm pretty fucked right now. | ||
| Yeah, and that, by the way, right at that point, I was like, okay, Bert, we're not coming last, so that's great. | ||
| So let's just be casual between the two of us. | ||
| Tom's done. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Oh, I took a deep breath. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| That felt nice. | ||
| You know, I gotta tell you something. | ||
| This is like something that we should all point out for health. | ||
| Like, I've been, over the last couple of years, I've been eating a lot of kimchi, a lot of fermented cabbage, and a lot of kombucha. | ||
| Real farts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Real farts. | ||
| Brutal, brutal farts. | ||
| But, here's the thing. | ||
| All that healthy... | ||
| Like, probiotic stuff? | ||
| That has a big impact on your immune system. | ||
| I mean, really big. | ||
| I haven't gotten sick in a long time. | ||
| The kombuchas used to always hike these, and I started drinking them too. | ||
| They're always good. | ||
| Dude, they're the shit. | ||
| The GTs? | ||
| GTs are the shit. | ||
| They're so good. | ||
| They taste good. | ||
| They're healthy for you. | ||
| I had a Whole Foods guy tell me, like, hey, just so you know, I saw you drink this in the thing. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| It's got alcohol, so you can't drink that in the store. | ||
| And I was like, listen, I'm going to do it every single time, so you can just try to catch me if you want. | ||
| But thank you for the warning. | ||
| You did your job. | ||
| Well, it has less than half a percent of... | ||
| Right? | ||
| Isn't that what it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| What is the number that they have to... | ||
| It's more than... | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| My daughters drink kombucha in the morning. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| It's less than half a percent. | ||
| So they're not getting buzzed. | ||
| No, it's some preposterous amount of alcohol. | ||
| I would like to see how many of those you have to drink to get drunk. | ||
| This is the whole history of it. | ||
| They used to sell them in the store, and then apparently what was going on was they were, it's a strong brew, and they would sit there fermenting, and then when they would test them after they had fermented for a while, the alcohol content would get over one half of one percent, which is like somewhere around where they need to draw the line. | ||
| Like if you get a non-alcoholic beer, it's got a wee touch of the booze in it. | ||
| Oh, really, Ari. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just a wee touch. | |
| Really, Ari. | ||
| Just a tiny, tiny touch of the booze. | ||
| Fuck off, idiot. | ||
| Stupid fucking idiot. | ||
| No, it doesn't make you... | ||
| You're still super sober. | ||
| I mean, if you... | ||
| Look, you know... | ||
| When we're running, we're getting high as fuck. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| There's an endorphin aspect to this. | ||
| That's one of the things that I was saying to everybody is that when this was over, when the whole thing was over, if somebody made a pill that made me feel how I feel when I have those hard workout days, I'd take that pill every day. | ||
| Oh, that's what I was going to tell you earlier. | ||
| I don't give a fuck pill. | ||
| I felt so much relief, but I felt like it was totally tied to days where I really worked hard. | ||
| But if it was like a medium workout, I still felt good. | ||
| You and I went back and forth about that. | ||
| Yeah, I still felt good. | ||
| But on the days where it was like three plus hours of working out, and I was totally spent, then I felt the most calm. | ||
| I mean, I know a part of that's physically just tired, but I had zero stress. | ||
| Let me ask you a question. | ||
| Do you guys think any of that's tied to, like, while you're doing it, you've got to be off all your technology for a while? | ||
| I know you're big on that. | ||
| Do you think that's a possible? | ||
| No, I thought about that, too. | ||
| No, it's a factor. | ||
| It's definitely a factor, R. I also, when you start talking about it, I tried to start doing things, like, in the morning, waiting. | ||
| Waiting to look at it. | ||
| No, like, open the phone. | ||
| So, like, just do... | ||
| No, not even work out. | ||
| I mean, like, just do life things. | ||
| Wake up, have coffee, and just not look at it. | ||
| And it's fucking... | ||
| I had to think about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hard, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Yeah, it's hard. | ||
| Yeah, I wonder how much of that, too, because I felt sort of clear, too, but same way I do with skiing, where it's like you've got to take your mind off everything in a way. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Exactly, Ari. | ||
| Skiing is a perfect example. | ||
| When you're skiing, you can't look at your phone. | ||
| You're going down a fucking mountain, and you're just enjoying that, and that's part of what it is. | ||
| They've got a great app that tells you how fast. | ||
| They have a great app. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| I don't look at my phone while I'm skiing, but there is an app that tells you how fast you get going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And dude, I got up to 40 miles per hour on a fucking snowboard. | ||
| And let me tell you, when I get down to the bottom, I'm like, real quick, what's my speed? | ||
| I'm always worried about people wiping out in front of me. | ||
| Wiping out onto me. | ||
| But you film your kid skiing a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, but I got taken out by one dude on a mountain once. | ||
| He just cut in front of me like way too quick. | ||
| Yeah, you're out of control. | ||
| You're skiing half the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, I don't know. | |
| You should go away for your own good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Watch out! | |
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| And you realize you're testing your health out with all these other people. | ||
| And most of the time, people are doing their best. | ||
| Most of the time. | ||
| It comes flying out of the trees over you. | ||
| And there's no drug test when you get on that fucking ski lift. | ||
| They don't test you for shit. | ||
| Do you smoke weed when you ski? | ||
| No. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Shut up. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| You're doing it wrong. | ||
| You're out of your mind. | ||
| No. | ||
| Stupid. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Of course you should. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every time I ski, I ski. | |
| Joe! | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every time I ski. | |
| Head sets, weed. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| Are you crazy? | ||
| I would be with you guys, but I ski with my kids. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| It's time, Joe. | ||
| It's time. | ||
| It's time. | ||
| They're almost adults now. | ||
| I wish I could explain. | ||
| I have to keep an eye on those little fuckers. | ||
| The weed will take care of it for you. | ||
| I get what Joe's saying. | ||
| When you ski with your kid... | ||
| You do that? | ||
| When I ski with my kids, I don't smoke weed. | ||
| But at the end of the day, when it's me and Leanne, we go to Park City every year. | ||
| Park City's awesome. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| And at the end of the day, me and Leanne, I'll take a rip, and then we'll go down one. | ||
| And that's when I fucking throw in headsets. | ||
| That's a little Jane's Addiction. | ||
| I'm coming! | ||
| I'm coming! | ||
| All my toes flying into a fucking corner at 40 miles an hour. | ||
| Just thinking in my head, this could all really go bad right now. | ||
| That feeling is fucking amazing! | ||
| This is what I do. | ||
| I go, don't fall down, don't fall down, don't get hurt, don't fall down, don't get hurt. | ||
| Ooh, we didn't get hurt. | ||
| Joe, come ski with us! | ||
| Come ski with us, Joe! | ||
| Let's barely have any control of our bodies as we storm down the mountain. | ||
| What a great idea! | ||
| Slide, barely in control. | ||
| Slide, barely in control. | ||
| Pizza, pizza, sideways. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We gotta take it to the woods, bro. | |
| No control. | ||
| Head over heels. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Tuck and roll. | ||
| Shoulders first. | ||
| You've always been fine. | ||
| I'll tell you what I want us to do right now. | ||
| I'll tell you what I want us to do as a group right now, and Joe's the only one that can get this to happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I want us to go to Kelly Slater's wave pool. | ||
| That looks dope. | ||
| Dude, a foursome, it's the safest place to learn how to surf, and it's just like a two-hour drive. | ||
| Hey, does anybody here know how to surf? | ||
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
| I took two lessons in Indonesia and mastered and retired, but I can come out of retirement for this. | ||
| Okay, perfect. | ||
| So you've had slightly more experience, which is almost none. | ||
| That would be a good next year. | ||
| What? | ||
| Learn to surf? | ||
| Time on a board. | ||
| Time on a board? | ||
| Time on a board over the whole month. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| I'm in. | ||
| We'll get Kelly Slater to design some sort of board. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We have to wear some sort of heart rate monitor. | |
| How much time on a board you can stand up over the course of a month in one of those artificial wave machines. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| I guarantee you give Kelly Slater time right now to develop the board that has feet pads that measures your feet on a fucking board. | ||
| What do you mean measures your feet? | ||
| So when you're standing up. | ||
| So it's time on a board standing up. | ||
| Since none of us know how to surf. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Time on a board standing up one of those artificial wave machines next year. | ||
| God, I hate this so much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love this. | |
| I love this already. | ||
| So you just have to enlist in a place. | ||
| You have to give up your life and enlist in a place. | ||
| Move to fucking Hawaii with Shane Dorian and wear those fucking suits. | ||
| Shane was just here. | ||
| He was on the podcast right before you guys. | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| Shane Dorian almost died at Mavericks. | ||
| He got held under for two waves and I guess under there he decided to create these suits where they have CO2 carcasses. | ||
| It literally changed big wave surfing. | ||
| It saved so many fucking lives. | ||
| He was just fucking here. | ||
| He asked about you. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| I met him. | ||
| I swear I met him right before you. | ||
| He's my bow hunting buddy. | ||
| Yeah, he lives at like... | ||
| He lives on a big island in Hawaii. | ||
| Goddammit, James Wayne was just here. | ||
| Dude, Kelly Slater's like... | ||
| He and I go hunting every year. | ||
| We do the spring axis deer hunt on the island of Lanai. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That sounds so fucking cool. | ||
| Dude, it's the coolest shit ever. | ||
| Wait, what got you into hanging out with... | ||
| The Kelly Slater podcast was fucking amazing. | ||
| Yeah, he's so interesting. | ||
| Dude, you and him are like brothers. | ||
| My favorite thing he said in that podcast was when he goes, you go, what do you do for fitness? | ||
| He goes, I don't push myself. | ||
| That's an Ari thing. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| What we did was not healthy. | ||
| No. | ||
| This is what I wanted to talk about. | ||
| And not sustainable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm going to keep it up. | ||
| No, not sustainable. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I'm going to keep up spin class and try to do, on evenings, try to do a six-mile jog. | ||
| That's a good thought. | ||
| The 31st? | ||
| Can we keep up? | ||
| The 31st? | ||
| I talk to everybody. | ||
| But that last workout? | ||
| I couldn't have gone that much further. | ||
| In all honesty, after my piss came out of weird color, I really did have phantom pains in my kidneys. | ||
| Maybe that wasn't just dehydration. | ||
| Maybe there was something more. | ||
| Maybe there was something going on. | ||
| I really did have some weird phantom idea that there was a pain. | ||
| Physically, I felt pretty good, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because the whole thing was, a lot of that rhabdo, and here's the thing about, it's called rhabdomyelosis, is that how you say it? | ||
| Did I say it right? | ||
| Rhabdo has actually been the source of death for a few fighters. | ||
| Where guys got really beat up in a crazy, really difficult fight, and the thing that did them in was they were probably over-trained, and they probably did too much in the gym, didn't give themselves enough time to recover, and then had a really brutal fight. | ||
| So when you're young in particular, you're a little too wild, and you don't recognize that there's like this point of diminishing returns when it comes to training. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, see, we pushed into some weird place, man. | ||
| But we did get through that a few times, though. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| We should have like, oh, it was too much, we gotta give up. | ||
| And we kept going, and then it became okay again. | ||
| Right, but here's why I think it worked. | ||
| For us. | ||
| It wouldn't work for a fighter. | ||
| No one's kicking our ass. | ||
| So the thing about when you're a fighter, if someone's kicking your ass, you might push even past where we pushed in terms of output in any particular hour or any particular half hour, 40 minute session. | ||
| You might go too far. | ||
| Whereas we would just keep going at 80%. | ||
| Sometimes you get forced into 90% for long periods of time. | ||
| Especially if someone's better than you, or especially if you're tired from training. | ||
| So a lot of these guys are going into the fight, especially in younger guys who don't have maybe the most scientific coaches. | ||
| They're going into the fight severely taxed out. | ||
| Like November 1st, they're going into it like that. | ||
| Oh yeah, they're going into it like that. | ||
| Not only are they going into a fight like that, but they're going through a whole, you know, six, eight week camp like that. | ||
| Like they might be broken down like real early on, just pushing themselves through the whole thing. | ||
| And then they have like, at the end of it, their body's failing. | ||
| They haven't given themselves enough time to recover. | ||
| And that's what this rhabdo shit is. | ||
| Your muscles, and it has something to do with proteins, that your muscles... | ||
| Pull up the actual, because I'm giving a really stupid definition of what rhabdomyelosis is. | ||
| Am I pretty close? | ||
| Breakdown of muscle tissue, releasing a damaged protein into the blood. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And it's very dangerous. | ||
| It's very dangerous, yeah. | ||
| Apparently it causes kidney shutdown. | ||
| That was crazy that, like, November 2nd, my muscles all felt sore for the first time all month. | ||
| Mine felt sore right away, and then not again for a while. | ||
| Not again. | ||
| I would just get back into them. | ||
| The thing in spin classes, like when you get out of the saddle and sprint, is I just got to a place where my legs were always fucking wasted. | ||
| And I was like, I want to try this again when my legs just aren't wasted. | ||
| They were always wasted. | ||
| I could now, at the end of this, run to the gym and back. | ||
| I'd have to stop three times in the way. | ||
| Run for two minutes and not real running. | ||
| And then it was like, no, I can just do it. | ||
| Dude, I felt such an improvement through the month. | ||
| Dude, I could run. | ||
| I ran 12 miles on the fifth to last day. | ||
| Dude, while you were on antibiotics. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| And you were just... | ||
| We're going fine. | ||
| I gotta say, Ari, I always knew that you had a strong mind. | ||
| I always knew you had a strong mind. | ||
| You're an angry man with a strong mind. | ||
| But I didn't appreciate it as much as I appreciated this month. | ||
| For you to do it is the most impressive out of all of us. | ||
| Because you didn't do shit other than the occasional hike or fuck around and play basketball for like 10 years. | ||
| Yeah, but also, I... Eat well. | ||
| You guys eat like garbage. | ||
| I'm far smarter than any of you. | ||
| What do you weigh? | ||
| A normal is like 75 to 80. I should be around 175. And I should weigh 75 to 80. And then I got up to like 83, 87 last year after the cruise. | ||
| We weigh like significantly more. | ||
| And it's like, I'm not doing... | ||
| You guys are actually working out. | ||
| You can eat fucking normal, idiots. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I actually... | ||
| I don't eat that good! | ||
| Towards the end, I started... | ||
| I'd hear... | ||
| Maybe I'm the person who probably listens to this podcast the most, but you hear people talk about health and how they eat. | ||
| And in that challenge, the very last week, I started going, looking at food a tad bit differently, going like... | ||
| I don't want to feel like shit. | ||
| I don't want pizza. | ||
| I didn't want carbs. | ||
| I wanted protein because I get done a workout and I go, let's do four eggs and a steak. | ||
| I ordered a bunch of buffalo steaks. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| I was like, water. | ||
| Yeah, I need water. | ||
| How crazy did you get, like, with eating when it was, like, really? | ||
| On the fucking plane. | ||
| You know when they walked by with that little basket? | ||
| I was like, oh, I'll take all this shit. | ||
| Fucking popcorn. | ||
| Because when you're doing the two workouts a day, the two-a-days, which I had a bunch of, you could net, yeah, you were hungry. | ||
| When I did that whole five and a half hours on the elliptical, I ate a box of animal crackers and I drank cream soda. | ||
| While you were doing it? | ||
| While I was doing it. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| It was like I was possessed. | ||
| I was in the craziest state of mind. | ||
| I'm like, I am going to keep this going. | ||
| Now it's just numbers to me. | ||
| Now it's like, when do you get off? | ||
| Do you get off at 400? | ||
| No. | ||
| 500? | ||
| No. | ||
| 600? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
700? | |
| No. | ||
| 800? | ||
| No. | ||
| And then shit started to feel like it was failing. | ||
| Your body? | ||
| Yeah, no, no, no. | ||
| Some misfires. | ||
| I had some misfires. | ||
| I had some, like, my body was like, like, settle down, bitch. | ||
| It's like, we better get off this thing soon. | ||
| I was like, okay, let's just keep going for a little bit. | ||
| So, like, things started to feel weaker. | ||
| Like, my ankles started feeling weaker. | ||
| Just started yelling racial slurs in the middle of it. | ||
| My toes started feeling numb. | ||
| My toes went numb at one point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you nap? | ||
| No. | ||
| I would nap. | ||
| Napping was the best. | ||
| Feet on the floor nap where you just sit on your bed for a second and all of a sudden you're like, what? | ||
| I just go out like a light at the end of the night. | ||
| So how many hours were you sleeping a night? | ||
| Like a dead man. | ||
| Seven hours. | ||
| Dead man. | ||
| Dead. | ||
| Yeah, dead. | ||
| How long after we started did you start having the marijuana dreams? | ||
| Did you guys get them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You know what, man? | ||
| I knew it was coming, so I tapered off. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| So I tapered off all through September, and also I was on a lot of hunting trips. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, the elk hunting trip in Utah was seven days. | ||
| I didn't... | ||
| You don't smoke on those? | ||
| No. | ||
| Do you get the dreams on those? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| I decided early on with all that stuff that I just wanted to experience it as a natural human. | ||
| I didn't want to ever be drunk. | ||
| I didn't really want to be high. | ||
| I don't want to take beta blockers so I don't get nervous. | ||
| I try to experience what it is. | ||
| I saw Adam Greentree, like, kill some elk in wherever the fuck he is these days, and a bear claimed it. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| Yeah, he shot a moose. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| A bear just went on, it's like, it's mine. | ||
| It's mine, I pissed on it and I dug it out. | ||
| In the Yukon, and a grizzly bear claimed it and covered it with dirt. | ||
| Right away? | ||
| The entire moose. | ||
| No, he shot it. | ||
| They took part of it. | ||
| See, a moose is probably like 1,800 pounds. | ||
| They're so big. | ||
| They're like a big elk. | ||
| Like a Rocky Mountain elk is like 800 pounds. | ||
| That's a big one. | ||
| A moose is 1,000 pounds bigger than that when it's fully mature. | ||
| That's what Adam shot. | ||
| He shot a gigantic moose. | ||
| So they could only carry so much of it out. | ||
| Like there's hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of pounds of meat. | ||
| 1800 pounds moose might be seven, eight hundred pounds of it is meat. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| So you have to take it out in loads. | ||
| So if you have two guys, you're taking out several loads. | ||
| So they took out one pack out and then they came back. | ||
| And a giant grizzly bear had claimed it and covered it up. | ||
| And the grizzly bear was still in the area? | ||
| Oh yeah, he covered up the moose. | ||
| Adam Greentree is one of my favorite people to follow on Instagram. | ||
| But I know that no one likes when there's a lot of little bleeps in a story. | ||
| But when I go on Adam Greentree and he's got a hundred little dots, I go, oh, this is going to be a good one. | ||
| Yeah, it's adam.greentree on Instagram, and he's a bow hunter from Australia. | ||
| And Australia's an interesting place, because one of the reasons why, I mean, he's just a real smart guy. | ||
| He's the real deal. | ||
| A real deal in every way, and I'll pimp him out. | ||
| He says a person. | ||
| Dude, you should see the floor he has in his hunting cabin. | ||
| Dude, this guy is like, across the board, every part of a man you want to be. | ||
| His floor in his hunting cabin is fucking amazing, and he did it himself by hand. | ||
| Let's just establish, per capita, Australians are more manly. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They're crazy. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Australians are crazy. | ||
| They drink so hard. | ||
| Like, if you had to, like, see what's the numbers, there's the moose. | ||
| This is the moose. | ||
| They're just a manlier breed of people. | ||
| And also, you have to realize that Australia was a goddamn prison colony. | ||
| So these are the ancestors of scoundrels. | ||
| They all got big thumbs. | ||
| Yeah, they're big humans. | ||
| And so this is a big ass moose that he shot in the Yukon and a grizzly bear claimed it. | ||
| And so they went back to it and the grizzly bear had run off because he saw them coming, I guess. | ||
| And so they just stole what they could and got the fuck out of there before they panicked. | ||
| Before it came back and tried to defend it. | ||
| Yeah, so they unburied it. | ||
| They dug out. | ||
| They did dig stuff out of there? | ||
| They dig stuff out, but they were scared while they were doing it and they got out of there. | ||
| This is the second of my friends. | ||
| This is the third of my friends that has had grizzly bear encounters over the last three or four years. | ||
| Who was the one that it was on? | ||
| I saw it on Instagram. | ||
| It's one of your buddies. | ||
| Who got charged by the Grizzly Bear. | ||
| That was Adam. | ||
| That was Adam Greentree. | ||
| Was that Adam? | ||
| The same guy. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Was it that documentary, Grizzly Man? | ||
| Oh my god, that's the craziest documentary ever. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| You know what that documentary is? | ||
| That documentary is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
How stupid that guy is. | |
| It should be called A Gay Guy That Doesn't Have Really Good Friends Who Gets Eaten By Bears. | ||
| That poor guy wanted to give him a hug. | ||
| That guy, Foxy the Fox. | ||
| His girlfriend got eaten too? | ||
| Fuck yeah, she got eaten! | ||
| Why did she leave? | ||
| And there's audio and they didn't share the audio. | ||
| Why would they share the audio? | ||
| This is my friend Adam with a pistol out while Grizzly Bear's charging him. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Turn it up. | |
| His voice makes it sound better. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a grizzly bear, and he's got a gun pointed at her. | ||
| And she's got her cubs, and she might charge him. | ||
| The scariest ones are the females with cubs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's in real life, too. | ||
| And what about the pistol? | ||
| Yeah, he's got a pistol out, and here's the thing. | ||
| The pistol, it was the wrong size bullets, so it wouldn't have racked normally. | ||
| So see how it is right now? | ||
| It looks like he's discharged all his ammo, like his gun's out, because it's jammed. | ||
| So he doesn't even know it's jammed. | ||
| So he's standing out there pointing a gun that the only way he could get a bullet in it is if he opened up the barrel himself, stuck the bullet in, and then closed it so he'd have one shot, no matter what. | ||
| So the whole magazine wouldn't fit. | ||
| It was off... | ||
| The differences in the size of the ammunition was off. | ||
| He didn't see it? | ||
| Nope, he didn't notice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Because he doesn't use guns. | ||
| He's a bow hunter. | ||
| He got a gun just to protect himself from that thing. | ||
| Those kind of things. | ||
| I cannot believe how excited I just got right then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Do you talk to him about it? | ||
| He goes, mate, he goes... | ||
| Monsters are real. | ||
| He goes, when that thing was charging me, I mean, I believe, did he talk about it on the podcast? | ||
| He had to, that's where I had to have seen it. | ||
| But when he talked about the way it was charging him, where the hair was popping up on it, and you could see it, I mean, it stopped, it false charged him. | ||
| So I charged him and stopped within like, you know, five yards of him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And it's a giant female grizzly bear that would just tear you apart. | ||
| What are they trying to get you to do? | ||
| Leave? | ||
| Trying to get you to leave. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They just leave. | |
| They want you to dance, Ari. | ||
| Well, because he's trying to leave, but it doesn't trust him. | ||
| It doesn't know him. | ||
| So it's closing in on him and looking at him and deciding maybe whether or not he's a threat and moving in on him. | ||
| So he can't get away from it. | ||
| So he was stuck in this position where he couldn't get away from it. | ||
| It had decided that he was a problem. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fucked up. | |
| So he was trying to get away and he was moving in a different direction. | ||
| It was cutting him off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| And he was like, oh shit. | ||
| And then he's got his pistol out. | ||
| It's like, get the fuck away! | ||
| Terrifying. | ||
| That thing's terrifying. | ||
| Dude, I hiked the Appalachian Trail when I was in college. | ||
| And not the whole thing, but just a portion. | ||
| And man, that fucking... | ||
| I had no idea about Grizzlies. | ||
| Good on you for not pissing in the room, Ari. | ||
| You're a good man. | ||
| That grizzly thing is fucking scary, man. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Dude, they're so scary. | ||
| I've never seen one in the wild except once in Alberta. | ||
| I've never seen like a big one. | ||
| The one I saw in Alberta was only like six feet. | ||
| It wasn't a big one. | ||
| But it was enough to look in its eyes and go, whoa, that is a different thing! | ||
| Because a black bear doesn't look at you like that, man. | ||
| Black bears, if you run into a black bear in the woods, they look at you like, what are you? | ||
| So wait, are grizzlies not on the east coast? | ||
| So that's black bear, right? | ||
| Well, what it is is there's brown bears, and then those are the ones that live on the coast, and then everything that's interior is called a grizzly bear. | ||
| That's how it gets the name? | ||
| Yes, it's the same animal. | ||
| What do you mean that's how it gets the name? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're all brown bears. | ||
| But isn't like a straight-up brown bear usually bigger than a grizzly? | ||
| Because they have more access to protein. | ||
| That's the thought. | ||
| The thought is that the Kodiak brown bears, the enormous ones, which are the biggest ones on Earth. | ||
| Nine feet tall? | ||
| No, way bigger. | ||
| Eleven. | ||
| Eleven feet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My other friend who got attacked by a grizzly, Steve Ranella, he has a podcast about it on a podcast called Meteor. | ||
| That's his podcast. | ||
| And it's all about a Fognac Island. | ||
| It's a two-part podcast. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| I think I've listened to that. | ||
| They shot an elk, and then the same thing. | ||
| They hung some of it up, and they came back to get it after they packed some of it out. | ||
| And when they came back, a grizzly bear claimed it, and they didn't know it. | ||
| So they were trying to pack out that food, or the rest of the meat, and when they did, a bear charged them and ran through their camp. | ||
| And they said it was 11 feet tall. | ||
| Who was he with? | ||
| He was with my friend Giannis Poutelis, my friend Remy Warren. | ||
| Remy Warren. | ||
| I heard Remy Warren talk about it. | ||
| My other friend Dirt Myth and maybe one other guy. | ||
| I know all these hunters and I've never hunted in my life. | ||
| I think there's like cameramen, there's a bunch of people and this enormous 11 foot bear ran through the camp. | ||
| And they said it was the biggest fucking thing. | ||
| It was so different than anything they could have expected. | ||
| They said it moved so fast. | ||
| His teeth were so close to them. | ||
| They said, like, Rinello, when he describes it, he describes it. | ||
| Rinello's a brilliant guy, but he's also a very well-read guy. | ||
| He's very eloquent. | ||
| He has a degree in journalism. | ||
| He's, like, he's super fucking smart. | ||
| So when he describes this interaction between them and an 11-foot coastal brown bear, which are, like, the biggest bears on Earth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Next to the grizzly, are the polar bears bigger? | ||
| Or the coastal brown bears of Kodiak, Alaska, that area? | ||
| They're as big as they get. | ||
| They're so big. | ||
| Aren't those polar bears just the fucking most violent? | ||
| Those are the scariest. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're huge. | |
| Everybody wants to save them because of Klondike bars and fucking Coca-Cola. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So huge. | |
| They're the most terrifying animals ever. | ||
| Have you ever seen them when they can sniff out through ice? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That there's seals under the ice? | ||
| What? | ||
| You'll just see the wildlife footage and they're just... | ||
| Sniff ice and then they put their paws together and they start dropping all their body weight down to crack the ice and then they'll jump in and just pull out a seal. | ||
| It's fucking nuts. | ||
| Do you think we could tap into that part of our brains? | ||
| Like there's a part of a human in it. | ||
| Polar bear jeans? | ||
| You don't have any polar bear jeans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't have any polar bear jeans. | |
| There's a reason why you have an iPhone, and you live in a fucking nice house, and you got a TV, and a nice car. | ||
| That's because you don't have no polar bear genes. | ||
| There's somebody out there with polar bear genes, though, for sure. | ||
| Probably somebody who got fucked by a bear. | ||
| I got fucked by a bear. | ||
| I did get fucked by a bear. | ||
| You know what's crazy about this month? | ||
| Now I'm fucking pretty fucked up. | ||
| What's crazy about this month is inspirational people on Instagram. | ||
| Like to listen to them and to really draw inspiration. | ||
| I got, dude, one more Hunter, last name I'll say. | ||
| Cam Haynes. | ||
| Fucking shit, man. | ||
| When you go and put in one of those days and realize he's running a marathon every day. | ||
| A marathon a day. | ||
| A marathon a day. | ||
| Really? | ||
| On his lunch break? | ||
| But let me just, in his defense, he would step in and probably say right now, that's not sustainable for the whole year, but what he does is when he's ramping up for a big 200-plus mile race, he does a marathon a day. | ||
| Okay, can I say something on the opposite side then? | ||
| Do you know the story of Marathon? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Where the guy went to tell them of the victory in Marathon? | ||
| And he died. | ||
| He died! | ||
| He did the marathon, then died. | ||
| That's who we do it after. | ||
| But that guy was a pussy. | ||
| Cam Haynes is not. | ||
| I mean, that's a no-training marathon. | ||
| That's all. | ||
| That's the message. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In sandals. | |
| The message is not that you should do marathons. | ||
| The message is the best way to kill pussies is make them run marathons. | ||
| I've read Cam's... | ||
| I read Cameron's comments before, and I like that he has, I mean, he's sincere and I get it, but he has to pretend to be impressed when, like, people tell him, like, I ran two miles today. | ||
| No, I believe it. | ||
| I know he's sincere. | ||
| He'll remind of mine and go, hey, brother, great job. | ||
| Keep hammering it. | ||
| And I'm like, you know he thinks six miles is Dude, I asked him. | ||
| I asked him point blank. | ||
| I asked him point blank. | ||
| I'm like, hey, what do you think of Burt running the marathon? | ||
| He goes, dude, that's impressive. | ||
| That was impressive. | ||
| I'm telling you, man, you're being cynical. | ||
| You're being cynical about a dude who wears cowboy boots most of the days. | ||
| Don't be cynical. | ||
| Cam Haynes is straight up. | ||
| I think he's being totally legit. | ||
| I'm not calling him cynical. | ||
| I'm cynical. | ||
| And I'm saying that I read those comments and I laugh. | ||
| Because he's like, good job. | ||
| To the person that I ran 100 yards today. | ||
| Because he's a guy who runs 240 miles. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Do you think he really looks at me running a marathon and goes, that's impressive? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course he does. | |
| He said it. | ||
| He said it. | ||
| It's real impressive. | ||
| I'm trying to tell you, he's one of my best friends. | ||
| The guy's the nicest guy in the world, and he started out not being able to run for shit. | ||
| He started out doing a mile and fucking dying and going, how the hell could anybody ever run a marathon? | ||
| Really? | ||
| And then he just kept doing it. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And then he got to this point where he could run ultramarathons. | ||
| He runs a hundred miles. | ||
| Do you know why he would definitely think it's impressive that you ran a marathon? | ||
| Because he knows running so well, and he's run so many, he knows what somebody who can run a marathon looks like. | ||
| And then when he saw you, he was like, that's fucking impossible. | ||
| It's like if your daughter goes, I went on stage, and you go, how long did you do? | ||
| And she goes, an hour. | ||
| You'd be like, wait, what? | ||
| You did an hour on stage? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's impressive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's really impressive. | ||
| Well, if you know someone, they've been doing comedy for a year, and then they tell you they just did an hour, you're like, wow, that's impressive. | ||
| But if you just got back from Memphis, I go, how much time do you do? | ||
| You go, I did an hour. | ||
| I go, wow, that's impressive. | ||
| Yeah, I'd be like, fuck out of here. | ||
| Fuck you, man. | ||
| What do you mean it's impressive? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| But it is impressive if someone who's like maybe one of your opening acts does an hour 15 minutes in Cleveland somewhere. | ||
| You're like, whoa, how was it? | ||
| You're like, dude, I killed. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| I'm like, wow, that's impressive. | ||
| But if you tell me that you did that, I'd be like, yeah, that's what you do, bitch. | ||
| Describe more of it. | ||
| That's what you do. | ||
| By the way, you're such an asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If somebody said... | |
| I did an hour and you're like, wow, look at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're really a dick for saying that. | |
| But you act like you're positive about it. | ||
| What if someone's doing comedy for a year? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Say if you had a friend. | ||
| If Big J was like, I did an hour in Madison, you're like, wait, hold on, stop right there, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so cool. | |
| Are you saying an hour of human time? | ||
| Do you stop and stop and watch? | ||
| Does any headliner not do an hour anymore? | ||
| A lot too. | ||
| A lot to less? | ||
| A lot to 45. Really? | ||
| Dude, when I first started out, 45 was the number. | ||
| It was 45. Those are filled with time comics. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
45, 30, and 15. 15, 30, 45, yeah. | |
| Yeah, which is an hour and a half show, which is most people what they think their attention span is. | ||
| Which is, like, honestly, it's kind of accurate. | ||
| I mean, I think 45, like, we're just, you know, it's too short. | ||
| Two hours is pushing it for people's attention span. | ||
| So, like, I think a 90-minute show is great. | ||
| I've done two hours on stage. | ||
| I think an hour and 15 show is right. | ||
| Well, I think a 90-minute show, I'm saying, like, with everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Two-person show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two-person show. | |
| I used to make the mistake of doing long... | ||
| Sets where I did a lot of stand-up and it was rockin' and rollin' for a while and then I'd do Q&As with people and it would go on too long. | ||
| Too long. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| I don't agree because I know for a fact that it's not right for me, but for you a Q&A would be interesting. | ||
| Yeah, it wouldn't be interesting. | ||
| It would be more interesting if people didn't see an hour and a half of comedy first. | ||
| See, that's the problem. | ||
| The problem is not whether or not it's good stuff. | ||
| The problem is, how much good stuff do you want all day long? | ||
| Nobody wants their dick sucked eight hours a day. | ||
| Like, stop. | ||
| I gotta do things. | ||
| Yeah, but counterpoint, if you did an hour and twenty of really solid comedy, and then was like, alright, now we're gonna do Q&A for a while, it's gonna be different. | ||
| But meanwhile, you guys who bought your ticket for a show, it's like a whole festival now. | ||
| We did the stand-up, now let's have some fun times. | ||
| I think, dude, I'll tell you, I think the closer that you are to 60, if it's polished and good, that's the best show you can play. | ||
| But hang on, but where none of us are... | ||
| I'm not doing that right now. | ||
| I won't say I won't speak for everyone, but I'm not doing that right now in that I'm working on my 60. So in order to work on my 60, I have to do an hour of 50. Yeah, but that's different, because you're figuring it out. | ||
| Most of what we tour is not... | ||
| Yeah, finish, finish. | ||
| It's not finished. | ||
| It's the working progress. | ||
| The idea is not that 60 is the number that you shouldn't pass. | ||
| The idea is that when you think about it as a thing where people want to see, where you've got it locked down perfectly from start to finish, you really want an hour and a half. | ||
| And you want your opening act to do at least 20, 25 minutes. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I'd go 15. There's nothing wrong with that. | ||
| I do 15 and then I take the rest of the time. | ||
| I do a two-man show. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with that, but I like to bring headliners with me. | ||
| I bring anybody, any of you guys are welcome. | ||
| I bring Tony Hinchcliffe all the time, Ian Edwards. | ||
| Those guys are headliners. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, Ian Edwards is the funniest motherfucker. | |
| He's a monster. | ||
| I would say he's the most underrepresented comedy guy. | ||
| He should be a household fucking name. | ||
| I've been saying that forever, man. | ||
| I started out with Ian. | ||
| Tony as well. | ||
| I didn't mean to skip over Tony. | ||
| I've known Ian since like 1990. Yeah, I met Ian in 2002, 2003. We did a Pauly Shore thing in Miami and Rogan was like, who are you doing with us? | ||
| Ian Edwards was like, oh yeah, I know him. | ||
| I was like, wait, from what? | ||
| When? | ||
| It's like 84 years old. | ||
| Here's the thing about Ian. | ||
| He's a brilliant writer, too. | ||
| He gets writing gigs on sitcoms and all these other different shows. | ||
| And one of the things about writing gigs is, first of all, it's very convenient. | ||
| You don't have to go anywhere. | ||
| You stay in town and you get paid a nice amount of money. | ||
| You make good money. | ||
| It's hard to pass up on. | ||
| But the problem is you're not out there building your name in different cities and building up markets. | ||
| And you're not putting out a lot of comedy specials. | ||
| You only have one CD on Team Coco Records. | ||
| It's called 100% Half-Assed. | ||
| It's fucking hilarious. | ||
| But really, you've got to see him live. | ||
| His timing is fucking genius. | ||
| I've known that guy forever. | ||
| He's the nicest fucking person you're ever going to meet, too. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| He has jokes that are burned into my memory. | ||
| Yeah, that shark joke is great. | ||
| He's got so many. | ||
| Haircut. | ||
| So fucking talented. | ||
| As a person, he couldn't be a better person. | ||
| He couldn't be a better person. | ||
| That guy never has a problem with anybody. | ||
| You know what I like about him is most of the person, when you're riffing jokes around a crowd, and they rely on someone getting offended sometimes when you say something horrible. | ||
| But since it's all comics, everyone's like, huh, yeah. | ||
| And no one gets offended. | ||
| But Ian is willing to be like, oh, dude, that is out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you're like, hell yes, I need that, thank you. | |
| Yeah, he'll let you know. | ||
| He and I did a lot of gigs together. | ||
| We did a lot of gigs together this year. | ||
| Yeah, I did all my gigs getting ready for my last Netflix special were all with Ian or with Tony. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| And a couple with Santino. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Santino's great. | ||
| Santino's a motherfucker, son! | ||
| Dude, I bought his shoes. | ||
| He's a motherfucker. | ||
| I like the set so much, I bought the shoes he was wearing. | ||
| Dude, these guys are coming up, man. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe was murdering it, too. | ||
| Dude, Kill Tony is legit a sellout show. | ||
| It's a legit show. | ||
| I remember doing it when he put 15 people in the room, him and Red Band. | ||
| Dude, they are selling out everywhere they fucking go, and it's a brilliant idea. | ||
| First of all, Tony is so good at roasting. | ||
| He's so good at that kind of shit. | ||
| That kind of situation where someone bombs and does one minute, he's a little murderer. | ||
| Dude, he makes me blush sitting next to him. | ||
| Dude, how many times have you sat next to him and he lights someone up and you hit him and you go, I'm three steps behind you. | ||
| Oh, yeah, man. | ||
| Oh, you already said that one. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I feel it down my back when he starts fucking lighting. | ||
| I'm like, shit. | ||
| He's good at it, dude. | ||
| The format is so genius. | ||
| It's so perfect. | ||
| New comics, they do one minute. | ||
| At the end of the minute, Red Band gives them a meow. | ||
| Like, time's up, bitch. | ||
| Fucking Red Ben. | ||
| Red Ben's good at that. | ||
| Fuck, the whole combination's great. | ||
| Jeremiah Watkins. | ||
| Jeremiah's such a good improviser. | ||
| Jeremiah is a fucking multi-haff...haffinate? | ||
| Fascinate. | ||
| Fascinate. | ||
| Whatever the fuck he is. | ||
| Fascinate, that one. | ||
| Jeremiah's a fuck. | ||
| He's all over the map. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He'll do it all. | |
| He always brings a new character out for that. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| He's so funny, man. | ||
| Okay, so when did this change? | ||
| When did things change? | ||
| Right now, we're talking about comics that... | ||
| Back in the day when we were coming up, no one ever gave us props for being funny and young. | ||
| And right now, when did that change in stand-up where everyone was like... | ||
| It became a community where everyone wanted to see people succeed. | ||
| Yeah, when I came up, I felt there was this weird, unnecessary competition between people. | ||
| Because I had come from a world of competition, so I was like, why are you guys pretending you're competing? | ||
| You're not competing. | ||
| Like, you're just... | ||
| There's a few people that are going to get certain roles and things, but the way to look at it correctly was not that you're competing. | ||
| The way to look at it correctly, in my estimation, was that we're helping each other. | ||
| Like, when I see you kill, I get inspired. | ||
| I see some new bit that's, like, really... | ||
| Well-crafted and hits me and surprises me, I get inspired. | ||
| And I think that when you see comics in a vacuum, like I remember when I was coming up, I would go on these weird tours. | ||
| We'd do a weird show in some weird town. | ||
| They had a local scene. | ||
| And the local scene was almost always hacky. | ||
| Like there's a few scenes that weren't hacky, like Houston wasn't hacky. | ||
| They had a lot of pride in not being hacky. | ||
| Boston was very not hacky. | ||
| New York was not hacky. | ||
| But Florida was hacking. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| White trash. | ||
| There's a few places like that. | ||
| That's us, by the way. | ||
| Specific white trash. | ||
| I was like, oh, they don't have anybody good that they're around. | ||
| And I remember how bad I was when I first started. | ||
| How hacky my ideas were, how shitty they were, but I got lucky that I was around guys like Lenny Clark and Barry Crimmins and you know and then after that wave it was Louis C.K. and Marc Maron and there was a lot and there was all these guys that nobody ever heard of that were really good but super ethical about their material and like really sharp about you you broke the fuck meter you said fuck too much like when you say it it ruins it for everybody Like, | ||
| they would explain, like, this comedy theory to you that was, like, really high-level stuff that I remember thinking, like, why doesn't everybody just do that for everybody, like, all over the place? | ||
| Like, why does everybody, like, treat this as if there's, like, a famine situation going on? | ||
| And there's a small amount of comedy fans. | ||
| No, bitch, you can't be in Cleveland every night and I'm going to be in Denver and you're going to be in Detroit. | ||
| We're supposed to support each other. | ||
| This is so stupid. | ||
| We're the only people that understand each other in terms of what a bizarre human being it takes to be on stage. | ||
| Broken. | ||
| We are broken. | ||
| With a spotlight! | ||
| Talking shit! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not that many people know how to do it, so we may as well talk to each other. | ||
| But what was the change? | ||
| Well, the change was the internet. | ||
| This is why. | ||
| Because before the internet, everybody was like, I want to be the next host of The Tonight Show when Jay Leno retires. | ||
| And I'm the next Conan, but I'm on cable. | ||
| Everybody had this idea of being one person who stood out in a limited amount of slots. | ||
| And then the internet came around and no longer was there a limited amount of slots. | ||
| Instead, it's hard to remember. | ||
| But when I first started doing the acting shit, it's hard to remember what it was like back then. | ||
| No internet, and everything was on either NBC, ABC, CBS, or Fox. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| And there was a few VH1, MTV things. | ||
| It was famine. | ||
| But they could choose. | ||
| There's also one person or one of 20 people who say, yes, you're in. | ||
| And then that's it. | ||
| Either you're in or you're not. | ||
| And this was for MTV, and this was for HBO comedy specials, and this was for all these things. | ||
| And it was good in that the people that got through were very high quality. | ||
| Sometimes, sometimes. | ||
| A lot of them. | ||
| If you look back at the comics that became big off of HBO, they have the best record, I think, of all time. | ||
| If you were to judge, Chris Rock had HBO specials. | ||
| Louis C.K. Carlin had one a year for how long? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think he put out 16. Before you saw it or you'll never see it again. | |
| Impossible to comprehend. | ||
| He did a new hour every year. | ||
| And I went to one. | ||
| I got to see him run either the last one or the second to last one. | ||
| At the store? | ||
| No! | ||
| Fucking I wish. | ||
| And he would run it always the night before I learned later at Comedy Magic Club, which I lived nearby for a while. | ||
| But I got to see him do it at Universal Amphitheater when that was still a thing. | ||
| And for his closing bit... | ||
| He had it written down, and he told the 6,000-person audience. | ||
| He was working it like it was a fucking 80-person room. | ||
| He told 6,400 people. | ||
| He's like, this is how I remember this shit. | ||
| I gotta fucking read it. | ||
| So then he read the whole last bit, because it was really wordy. | ||
| It was like a monologue. | ||
| And he's like, this is how I ended up memorizing this, so you guys are gonna listen to me fucking read it. | ||
| I got to see him on the... | ||
| This is what he would do. | ||
| He would write a new monologue, essentially, and he would tighten up a little bit over the course of the year. | ||
| I thought this was a dog the whole time, for some reason. | ||
| It's a werewolf? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| It's just a cord. | ||
| I thought it was a dog nuzzling my leg. | ||
| You really are, I? For real? | ||
| Yeah, I was like, oh, that's a nice dog. | ||
| That was my thought. | ||
| You really thought there was a dog in there? | ||
| For a second, I did, and then I just realized... | ||
| You thought it was a rat, and you're just so calm. | ||
| I would freak out. | ||
| That's happened in my house, because our cat brings rats in the house. | ||
| Isn't it funny that we're so racist against rats, but yet squirrels get a free pass? | ||
| A squirrel in the house, I'm trying to put a net over it and bring the little fella outside. | ||
| If it's a rat, I'm trying to kill everybody he's ever met. | ||
| I'm going to stomp that motherfucker. | ||
| Someone said the only difference between squirrels and rats are their tails. | ||
| That's not totally true because rats carry plague and that's why we have an apprehension about them. | ||
| Tell that friend to go fuck himself with the shitty advice. | ||
| Squirrels forever, yo. | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
| Squirrels. | ||
| I'm team squirrels, son. | ||
| What were we just talking about? | ||
| Listen, this month, here's one thing that did happen to me. | ||
| I want to tell you guys this. | ||
| When it was over, did this month freak you out? | ||
| Like when it was over, when it was all said and done, like November 2nd maybe, I woke up. | ||
| And I went, what the fuck just happened? | ||
| How did I go from living this completely normal life of podcast guests and UFC to being involved in this fucking insane battle to the death? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you know what else occurred to me? | ||
| This probably doesn't occur to you because of your history with working out, but I had that exciting but disappointing thought of like, wow, I can't believe how much I was able to do. | ||
| Oh, I can't believe how much I'm able to do. | ||
| And don't. | ||
| Don't, yeah. | ||
| That's in the last five days. | ||
| Yeah, that's like a bummer, man. | ||
| Right? | ||
| To me it was. | ||
| I was like, I could be doing a lot more than this. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| Do you want to be doing a lot more? | ||
| I don't think the key to be... | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| It's definitely not to do what we did. | ||
| If I could get there for an hour of running and an hour of weights twice a week, I'd be like, this is amazing. | ||
| Like, that's ahead of the curve. | ||
| Like, great. | ||
| That's health. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a good number. | ||
| How many? | ||
| Two days of two hours. | ||
| Two days, two hours. | ||
| Even like 45 minutes, 45 minutes. | ||
| I do two days. | ||
| You do? | ||
| And you know what's not a bad idea either? | ||
| You know what's not a bad idea? | ||
| Four days, half hour a day. | ||
| That ain't that either. | ||
| Wait, what are we talking about? | ||
| I'm lost. | ||
| So you're thinking four days for just a half an hour? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| This changed my whole fucking way of looking at working out. | ||
| You've got to do an hour. | ||
| You can. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| You certainly can. | ||
| If you're me and Tom, you do. | ||
| I'm so impressed with you. | ||
| You can do a half an hour hard. | ||
| You can do a half an hour hard. | ||
| There's a DVD that I follow. | ||
| It's called the Kettlebell Extreme Cardio Workout by this guy, Keith Weber, who's a past guest. | ||
| This is the dude that is by himself in a fucking room, steady shot? | ||
| Well, he does a couple different variations, but one of them he did on a beach, and this is the one he did. | ||
| He just takes a 35-pound kettlebell, and you're like, how hard could this be? | ||
| 35 pounds is not heavy, but you do it for 40 minutes. | ||
| 40 minutes with that? | ||
| Yes, yes, yes, yes. | ||
| You have your little breaks. | ||
| Tommy. | ||
| You have your little breaks. | ||
| Tommy, I bought this. | ||
| I bought this because of this motherfucker. | ||
| You're going dark! | ||
| It's impossible, Tom. | ||
| It's so dark. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| After it's over, I could barely walk. | ||
| I could barely walk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was hobbling. | |
| That's a good sign. | ||
| My hamstrings and my quads were destroyed. | ||
| You know what I did the second to last day? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I did 15-minute rounds with a guy with mitts. | ||
| Up and down, up and down, up and down. | ||
| You could see the other people's stuff. | ||
| You could see some yellow. | ||
| It would be on the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I'd stay above 80. What did you think about when you were doing it? | |
| I thought about, I was trying to give my legs a rest. | ||
| So that was what prompted me to start it. | ||
| And then when I was doing it, I would just think about points and Burt. | ||
| Points and Burt. | ||
| Burt was a great motivator. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| I did not want to come in last. | ||
| I could use one little, just heads up. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| A heads up? | ||
| You're welcome, everybody. | ||
| Because all of you were beating me. | ||
| And there was a part of me that definitely felt very alone. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| Because I never thought you could ever beat me. | ||
| I wasn't beating you. | ||
| But here's what I was doing. | ||
| That's not what I was looking for! | ||
| Here's what I was doing. | ||
| What I was doing was punishing you. | ||
| Because I wanted to take you on a dark, dark, dark tour of all of your insecurities and all of your thoughts of mortality. | ||
| I wanted to take you into a place where you could never travel. | ||
| We're going to go to the bottom of the ocean, motherfucker. | ||
| As soon as I saw these numbers and you were saying you're going to do double, I went, okay. | ||
| You got him mad, you fucking idiots! | ||
| You didn't get me mad, but you made me open up the door to the dark place. | ||
| First of all, you realize that when I was doing the videos, they were all for comedy effect. | ||
| I understand, but that doesn't matter to me when I'm in competition mode. | ||
| When I did the video where I go, Joe, I saw your numbers. | ||
| I'm doubling them. | ||
| I came up with my dog, and then I pretended to lose my dog. | ||
| Everyone thought that was real. | ||
| I was like, my dog's had five knee surgeries. | ||
| She definitely can't like the Canyons. | ||
| That was so funny because he definitely knew you were joking. | ||
| But he was like, but fuck that. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| It doesn't serve me. | ||
| To think that you're joking. | ||
| It serves me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It serves me to take you very seriously and to take you to the dark place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I heard you talk to Nikki Glaser. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I heard that and I was like... | ||
| What'd he say? | ||
| He said I'm trying to kill Bert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He did? | |
| I'm trying to kill him. | ||
| I saw Nikki that week after she was here. | ||
| I'm like, I hope he doesn't die. | ||
| Just play it. | ||
| No, you didn't say I hope he doesn't die. | ||
| You did not say that. | ||
| That's how I felt. | ||
| I hope he did die. | ||
| That's not what you said. | ||
| Alright, this is going to be my new favorite clip. | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I should just be really clear. | |
| We are right after Bird has said he's going to double my score. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're fired up by this. | ||
| This is great. | ||
| Hold on, hold on, hold on. | ||
| Isn't that so funny, though? | ||
| If he fucked this up, basically? | ||
| He definitely pushed him harder. | ||
| Let's listen to him. | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| There's not a part of you that respected the Conor McGregor and me. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you compare yourself to one of the greatest mixed martial arts fighters of all time who has the support of the entire nation of Ireland. | ||
| You know Conor McGregor looks at me and you and can explore with me. | ||
| Over 5,700. | ||
| Whoever the fuck is in Ireland. | ||
| Connor would love Bert. | ||
| Connor would fucking... | ||
| If you said Connor, you got one hour to hang out with one guy, he's picking me, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I talk shit. | |
| I talk shit. | ||
| You might ask me advice. | ||
| I would like to talk to him about his future. | ||
| I have some thoughts. | ||
| I want him on your podcast so bad, man. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| Why hasn't he been on your podcast? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We were supposed to do it a long time ago. | ||
| I had his trainer on really recently. | ||
| I hope he doesn't think that in any way that I don't respect him or appreciate him. | ||
| Because fighters are super, super sensitive. | ||
| I've gone through that a few times. | ||
| I called Tony Ferguson, who's literally one of my all-time favorite fighters. | ||
| I said he was a brilliant weirdo. | ||
| Because he wears, like, ankle weights the way he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He got mad at you? | |
| He got mad at me. | ||
| He got upset. | ||
| And I had to talk to him, and I had to, like, try to sort it out. | ||
| I did it through someone else. | ||
| And I was like, fuck. | ||
| What pussies they all are at the inside. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It seems like that. | ||
| It seems like that. | ||
| But what it is, is you're so exposed. | ||
| What you're doing is so personal. | ||
| It's so insane. | ||
| What we can brush off, it's way harder for them. | ||
| If you lose a fight and someone disrespects you or in public sentiment keeps you from getting a title shot, that's a significant part of their life. | ||
| And they're not used to dealing with public reaction. | ||
| What they're used to dealing with is competition. | ||
| So the public reaction thing of celebrity is an afterthought. | ||
| It's something, an after effect of competition, right? | ||
| You become successful, and then you have to deal with all these people around you that want you to dance. | ||
| Well, Conor McGregor is a natural shit talker. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| He's a great fighter, but he's also a natural shit talker. | ||
| You want a buffalo bar? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dude, that's what I love about Conor McGregor. | ||
| So why have you had Conor McGregor and Bernie Sanders on? | ||
| It's a weird situation that you haven't had either one of those people on. | ||
| I tried to get Bernie recently. | ||
| He said no? | ||
| Some fake Bernie contacted us. | ||
| Oh, you said you were had, right? | ||
| Yeah, I was had. | ||
| They got me. | ||
| And I said, I'm a big fan. | ||
| I like a lot of your ideas. | ||
| I'd love to have you on. | ||
| And then it was a fake Bernie. | ||
| Why would he not come out of here, though? | ||
| I don't think he wants to run for president, man. | ||
| Why would he still not come out of here to show his ideas? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I don't know, man. | ||
| You know what I fucking love, by the way, about Conor McGregor? | ||
| Is that he made me re-appreciate the athlete who knows they're also an entertainer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I actually... | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| You know, there's people that did that. | ||
| I mean, everyone would probably give Ali credit for being... | ||
| Do you know why it works? | ||
| I don't know why it works. | ||
| Because that's who he is. | ||
| That's who he is, right. | ||
| That guy would be talking shit and sparring. | ||
| There's guys that are just funny like that. | ||
| That doc on him is fantastic. | ||
| Look at him, he's smoking weed with Mike Tyson. | ||
| By the way, Mike Tyson owns a goddamn weed farm. | ||
| What is it called now? | ||
| Yeah, what is it called? | ||
| Jamie, make that smaller, please, so we can read what the hashtag is. | ||
| It used to have... | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| It used to say something about Tyson something or another. | ||
| Did they edit it? | ||
| I didn't see it on there earlier. | ||
| I looked. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| He's having fun. | ||
| He has some sort of company. | ||
| They're growing weed. | ||
| Mike Tyson's growing weed. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| These are great. | ||
| Dude, the thing that's great about... | ||
| It's really tricky about the UFC because I love... | ||
| Mike Tyson reportedly building a 40-acre weed farm. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| Oh, cabbage will be there. | ||
| Cabbage? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Is that in Nevada? | ||
| That's in California? | ||
| That's in California. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| But I do have to tell you... | ||
| Wait, can I just read the first line? | ||
| Boxer, actor, and rapist, Mike Tyson. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus, man. | |
| Does he actually say that? | ||
| It does say that. | ||
| It does say that. | ||
| Who the fuck wrote that? | ||
| Some really mean person. | ||
| This has got to be theroots.com. | ||
| That's rude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let it... | |
| God. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bro. | |
| I mean, to open your article like that? | ||
| Here, you know, all bullshit aside, there has to be some way. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| There has to be some way for people to bounce back from horrible things, right? | ||
| He did. | ||
| He did. | ||
| He definitely did. | ||
| He would be, like, front and center. | ||
| Marion Barry did it. | ||
| Mike Tyson did it. | ||
| Dude, I met Marion Barry on the Opie and Anthony show. | ||
| Yeah, I was with you. | ||
| Yeah, that's right, you were. | ||
| And as soon as he came in, I started asking him about crack. | ||
| You did? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He went straight at him. | ||
| We were all staring at him and Joe was like, I'll lead this. | ||
| My thought was like I had someone trapped in a corner. | ||
| Like I had a wounded thing in a corner. | ||
| Okay, just so you know, by the way, he was just in the hallway looking for his next interview and Norton run out and be like, hey man, you're in here. | ||
| Come on in here with us. | ||
| I just brought him in. | ||
| I'm like, he's going to run. | ||
| He's going to run. | ||
| What did you say to him? | ||
| I said, did you smoke crack? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| And I asked him about the... | ||
| No, that's not what you said. | ||
| You said, what a testimony to the American spirit you are, that you can come back from all these things and manage to reclaim yourself and become mayor again of Washington, D.C., despite everything you went through. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he goes, what did I go through? | ||
| That's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what he said? | |
| He said, no one knows what's in that pipe. | ||
| I go, what did you just say to me? | ||
| No one knows what's in that pipe. | ||
| He said, I didn't smoke crack. | ||
| He said, I can't even smoke crack, but he didn't smoke crack. | ||
| No one knows what's in that pipe. | ||
| No, he didn't even say he didn't smoke crack. | ||
| I think he'd already realized legalese at that point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I don't think he said... | ||
| Did he say I didn't smoke crack? | ||
| He didn't. | ||
| No. | ||
| I think he said, no one knows what was in that pipe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I went, oh, this is some jujitsu! | |
| You just got underhooks on me! | ||
| He served you up, man. | ||
| But then Joe said, well, what did... | ||
| You think you were smoking when you smoked whatever was in that pipe. | ||
| I mean, when you lit it up, what did you think was going to be? | ||
| He wasn't supposed to be there. | ||
| I knew we had to have him. | ||
| He took off. | ||
| That's where he left. | ||
| That's where he's like, uh, you got me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good. | |
| Well played. | ||
| See you later. | ||
| I knew we had to get him quick. | ||
| I was like, you got to get this guy quick. | ||
| This guy's going to try to do a two-minute. | ||
| I'm here to say hi. | ||
| I'm watching DC in the house. | ||
| Thank you very much for voting for me again. | ||
| Holla! | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He just wanted to come and say hi and bolt. | ||
| So I just had to grab him. | ||
| Can I say this? | ||
| That I got a letter when we registered. | ||
| I was like, I don't know how to do it. | ||
| I was so mad about doing this thing in the first place. | ||
| I didn't want to get talked into Sober October again. | ||
| Wait, hold on, hold on. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| You called me beginning. | ||
| Will you do it next year? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He's going to do it. | ||
| The answer is yes. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Is there any penalty for this year? | ||
| Hold on a second, Ari. | ||
| I owe everyone something. | ||
| Hold, please. | ||
| I owe everyone something. | ||
| Let me appeal... | ||
| You gotta drink piss. | ||
| Let me appeal... | ||
| That's what I said. | ||
| I'll drink yours. | ||
| I need that recovery. | ||
| Let me appeal to your fiscal sensibilities, Ari. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| What if next year we've got a sponsor? | ||
| Like, I just want to tell you guys, this is like one of the most popular podcasts we've ever done, by far. | ||
| It is this whole series of podcasts we're doing, from the Weight Loss Podcast to last year's Sober October to this year. | ||
| Why would you call it Weight Loss Podcast instead of Fat Challenge Podcast? | ||
| God. | ||
| I'm trying to be positive, bro. | ||
| Thank you, Joe. | ||
| I'm trying to be body positive. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every curve is exactly where it's supposed to be. | |
| Us competing, random points every quarter. | ||
| Okay, but you guys, here's what you're going to say. | ||
| We'll be the greatest show of all time. | ||
| That's not going to happen. | ||
| I'm busy. | ||
| You're busy, too. | ||
| I would do every quarter. | ||
| I would do every quarter. | ||
| But once a year would be a fucking holiday. | ||
| Once a year is good. | ||
| We invent our own holiday. | ||
| Okay, but you guys, listen, I understand. | ||
| I know what it's like. | ||
| You have babies. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| You devote your life to other things. | ||
| But I have fun. | ||
| I do things that you all legitimately want to still be doing. | ||
| There's no way out of this. | ||
| October is not the right time. | ||
| You're doing it. | ||
| It's the best drinking in New York. | ||
| I appreciate you. | ||
| November, December, January, February. | ||
| So you're in. | ||
| Those are all okay times. | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| I love you like no one else in your life. | ||
| It's hurting my life. | ||
| I don't have an issue. | ||
| It's hurting my life. | ||
| Mine too. | ||
| You were great this year. | ||
| You did a great job. | ||
| You did a great job, bro. | ||
| You did a great job. | ||
| I took the last day off. | ||
| You could have. | ||
| You were at fucking 4200 points. | ||
| He told me, he was like, well, you just fucking sync up and just let me know if I have to get back on the treadmill. | ||
| Hold on, hold on, hold on. | ||
| You guys were all talking independently? | ||
| No, because I was only talking to the group. | ||
| Here or there? | ||
| I mean, this was last day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Last day. | |
| I think he was 700 ahead. | ||
| I was like, I'm not doing 700. I went, I did a day time. | ||
| Hey, give me another cocktail. | ||
| I did a day time. | ||
| This is fucking ridiculous. | ||
| I did a day time workout. | ||
| How about that one? | ||
| It's Japanese stuff that's from my friend Todd White. | ||
| Hibiki. | ||
| Dude, I was supposed to have won all these fucking whiskey awards over the Scottish. | ||
| They got all mad about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that? | |
| This is a shout-out to my friend Todd White, who I used to do jiu-jitsu with, who is now head instructor of John Jock Machado, Todd White Jiu-Jitsu Academy in Austin, Texas. | ||
| He's also a brilliant artist, super famous artist, and he sent me this because he's beautiful. | ||
| It's a great scotch. | ||
| Try it. | ||
| I mean, uh, whiskey. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Pass some of them Isils down this way. | ||
| Those Isils? | ||
| By the way, I go to your mom's house whenever I want to know what kind of weird nonsense is floating around the internet. | ||
| Who's eating shit? | ||
| You're stabbing people to death with two tips. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on, hold on. | |
| Best one ever right now is Garth fucking Brooks. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Dude, are you watching that? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I am so obsessed. | ||
| God bless Tom and Christina from Garth Brooks. | ||
| Hey, we should all cheers to this, what is it called? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Habuki. | |
| I didn't have any yet. | ||
| Habuki. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| Cheers. | ||
| Pour some to Ari. | ||
| Pour some to Ari. | ||
| I shouldn't even have this. | ||
| Wait, wait, wait, wait. | ||
| Yeah, no Ari. | ||
| Powerful purist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| What are you doing? | ||
| Okay, I'll deal with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, that's good. | |
| Good, thank you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he is. | |
| He really is. | ||
| I'll deal with it. | ||
| I'm dealing with it. | ||
| I'm telling if he can fucking deal with his own thing. | ||
| That should be the name of your next tour. | ||
| I'm dealing with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cheers. | |
| It was awful, guys! | ||
| Why would we not drink during October? | ||
| We're doing it again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not October! | |
| That's stupid! | ||
| Is it a New York City thing? | ||
| Yes, you guys don't understand what it's like there. | ||
| It's the best month to drink in New York. | ||
| I would walk by bars, longingly, going, I want to go in there now. | ||
| Oh, I don't know what that feels like. | ||
| The whiskey's good. | ||
| Did you really turn 53? | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Wow, Brad. | ||
| You and your fake news. | ||
| Hey, will you say Bert is 53? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Sound bite. | ||
| Will you? | ||
| I know I'm lying. | ||
| Thank you, Joe. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Bert is 53. But meanwhile, you guys, I'm two years away from 53. I'm 51. I know, but that's crazy. | ||
| He's two years older than you? | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That Bert is now 53. They changed his birthday in Wikipedia and everything. | |
| Who's going to win the surf challenge next year? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me. | |
| Because we're going deep. | ||
| We're taking a month off. | ||
| How many have you lost now? | ||
| Challenges. | ||
| This is the second, but here's what's important. | ||
| The third. | ||
| Nobody lost or won. | ||
| I couldn't believe I beat you, Bert. | ||
| I couldn't believe I beat you. | ||
| Who saw this Wikipedia, Bert? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There he put it on your Wikipedia. | |
| Wikipedia, you can suck my dick! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you understand what kind of fake news you're dishing out? | |
| You guys have to wish Bert a happy 53rd birthday. | ||
| It was just the other day. | ||
| It was yesterday. | ||
| It was yesterday? | ||
| Yeah, it was two days ago. | ||
| You guys are making me feel bad because I'm 24 months away from what you're making fun of. | ||
| No, but... | ||
| But Bert's already doing it. | ||
| Generally, when I say I'm 51, I'm like, is that real? | ||
| First of all, that's insane. | ||
| But you realize when you're 53, Bert will be 55. Oh, also, by the way... | ||
| People are happy about that. | ||
| They're like, he looks good. | ||
| Dude, I can't control it. | ||
| I cannot control fake news. | ||
| You try to, because you're like, hey man, I'm not the fattest comic ever performing stand-up. | ||
| I've spread some stuff about you. | ||
| Oh, no shit, you fucking asshole. | ||
| What'd you spread about him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing. | |
| Everything you said was just reported. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Fat's not necessarily bad if you've got all your other bases covered. | ||
| I don't understand how you lost so much weight and still managed to have that belly. | ||
| It doesn't make sense to me. | ||
| Lead athlete. | ||
| Let's get that Mickey Mantle gene. | ||
| It is crazy. | ||
| Are you going to stop saying that or are you going to double down? | ||
| No way. | ||
| What I loved about it... | ||
| Burt's tour, by the way, will validate the Mickey Mantle gene. | ||
| Because Burt's tour is like 10 shows a week, back to back weeks. | ||
| I mean, it's some real Mickey Mantle shit, for sure. | ||
| You're doing a lot of shows. | ||
| I am. | ||
| But it's like, I don't want to just lose my family. | ||
| I want to drive them away completely. | ||
| Dude, I was thinking about it. | ||
| How much fun would you have had back in the day? | ||
| I really think stand-up was totally globally different if you were on the road with Joey Diaz, Ari Shafir, Red Band, and a tour bus. | ||
| It had to be more fun. | ||
| Oh, you guys would have had a fucking insane time. | ||
| Dude, we had so much fun. | ||
| Tour bus, though? | ||
| It would have been fucking cool. | ||
| We had so much fun. | ||
| I've never hit a blunt before. | ||
| I don't need it to be more fun. | ||
| Never hit a blunt. | ||
| You don't know, like, Ari and Joey and Red Band and Duncan, like, the road trips that we went on, the fun that we had, we didn't need more fun. | ||
| We just needed to appreciate what was happening while it was happening. | ||
| We had, like, no one... | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| Jamie, Jamie, Jamie. | ||
| Oh, did you get any of that? | ||
| Damn, Jamie left out. | ||
| Did you get a drink? | ||
| Do you want one? | ||
| I didn't even tell you. | ||
| I feel weird with you being sober in this room. | ||
| I did the bus this weekend. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I fucking loved it. | ||
| You loved the bus? | ||
| I did. | ||
| I liked it a lot. | ||
| You ever been in an accident, son? | ||
| I've been in car accidents. | ||
| Can we change subjects? | ||
| But not in a bus. | ||
| Pretty common. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Much more common than plane crashes. | ||
| Oh, cool, cool, cool. | ||
| I know you're fucking with me right now. | ||
| But they're built like tanks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're built like tanks. | |
| You know when you're driving around, you're sitting in there. | ||
| You're sitting at that little fucking diner seat. | ||
| You're not wearing a seatbelt, bitch. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I liked it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I liked it a lot. | |
| You're going 80 miles an hour down the highway, no seatbelt, the fucking 80,000 pound tuba metal. | ||
| But you will just run through shit. | ||
| Body Shots World Tour, everyone. | ||
| Tour bus from January till April. | ||
| What would you feel like if you listened to my voice? | ||
| And you heard it in your head, the moment your face was hitting the LCD screen. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| That would suck. | ||
| The moment you were flying towards his screen. | ||
| I remember this moment. | ||
| At an impossible speed. | ||
| Like, fuck this. | ||
| And I was going, dude, just fucking take the day off and fly. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no. | ||
| Take the day off. | ||
| I like the idea of a tour bus. | ||
| I just booked four more weeks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're not going to crash. | |
| Wait, look at me. | ||
| I'm the one doing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You might not crash. | |
| Most of the time you're not going to crash. | ||
| That sounds pretty awesome. | ||
| Joe, come out on the road with me. | ||
| You know who's got the fucking... | ||
| You know who's got the best bus? | ||
| Here's where we're fucking up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We need to do a goddamn stadium tour, boys! | |
| All of us! | ||
| I'll do a tour. | ||
| I'll drop my entire 2019 tour. | ||
| Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. | ||
| Why don't we do... | ||
| Let's not have to get too grand. | ||
| Just start. | ||
| Shut up, bitch. | ||
| Wait. | ||
| One giant show. | ||
| We're going big. | ||
| I don't want to hear this pull-back pussy shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| Listen to what I'm saying. | ||
| One giant show. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| Across the country. | ||
| At like Madison Square Garden. | ||
| 45 different cities. | ||
| Something massive. | ||
| One giant show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Listen, we could do that tomorrow. | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| If each one of us did a half an hour, we got a two-hour show. | ||
| I can do a half an hour right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I'd love to do a half an hour. | ||
| That's all I got. | ||
| I got 35 minutes. | ||
| Maybe 34. 35 if I shut the jive. | ||
| No, I'm not smoking any more weed. | ||
| You gotta have it. | ||
| You are the worst fucking friend I ever met. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The best friend. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| You do not love me. | ||
| I love you! | ||
| He does love you. | ||
| Who do you think loves who more? | ||
| Me or you? | ||
| I love you more. | ||
| Wow, that's some needy shit right there, son. | ||
| I love you more. | ||
| Why don't you guys just butt fuck and get this over with? | ||
| You gotta be kidding me. | ||
| You really think you love me more? | ||
| Who do you think loves who more? | ||
| I don't. | ||
| I've never thought about that with you, Ari. | ||
| No, I have not thought about that either. | ||
| You love Ari more than Ari loves you? | ||
| No, I just want Ari to know that I never thought, does Ari love me more than I love him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
But now that you think about it, do I love him more than he loves me? | |
| I never thought about that. | ||
| Now what do you think? | ||
| I love Ari. | ||
| I think you guys are both faggots. | ||
| Both of you. | ||
| And we're not going to be tied into this. | ||
| That's rude. | ||
| I feel like I don't have a meter. | ||
| I don't have a love meter, Bert. | ||
| I love you, Joe. | ||
| Who's higher on the love meter? | ||
| I love you, Joe. | ||
| I would stop almost dying. | ||
| I was so tired. | ||
| Like, running to the top of the hill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm in a dump of whatever Joe does. | |
| You fueled this. | ||
| You realized that? | ||
| You fueled it. | ||
| Dude, I'm Conor McGregor. | ||
| I don't think you understand. | ||
| Okay, so Tom, when we got this thing, I was like, I don't want to do this. | ||
| And Tom was like, I'll register you. | ||
| I'm like, I don't know how to register. | ||
| I'm like, I'll register. | ||
| Here's a number. | ||
| Yeah, I gave it to you. | ||
| Register. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you did the same thing with Bert, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Anyway, I got an email about the 10th or 12th of October from some lady at Snap Fitness in Shawnee, Kansas, saying, hey, just so you know, you're accidentally registered in my gym, and we are doing an October challenge. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I think I should take you off. | ||
| Currently, you're in third place. | ||
| And then what did you say? | ||
| I was like, really? | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| First place. | ||
| No, but third at the time, right? | ||
| And I was like, for real? | ||
| I was like, I can take you out, but I'm in a podcast challenge with my friends Rogan, Tom Segura, and Bert Kreischer. | ||
| And he goes, oh, Bert Kreischer, he's in sixth place. | ||
| In our legit gym of people trying to work out. | ||
| For a second, you were like, oh, Bert Kreischer. | ||
| You motherfuckers. | ||
| He was so excited. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was so excited that you were going to say that she was like, Oh, Bert Kreischer, the comedian. | |
| I love him. | ||
| She just knows you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
At least I'm being honest. | |
| I'm being honest. | ||
| She just knows you as B. Kreisch. | ||
| B. Kreisch from the leaderboard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You were so happy. | |
| You were so happy. | ||
| She's like, that's my all-time favorite comedian. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| Be honest though! | ||
| You got caught feelings! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He got excited! | |
| I caught feelings so hard! | ||
| But be honest! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He got excited! | |
| He got so excited! | ||
| Oh, Bert Kreischer from that Netflix special? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| No, that was not what she even brought up! | ||
| The back of my head hurts! | ||
| That was not the conversation at all! | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| No, just Bert Kreischer! | ||
| I know him from the words B. Kreischer! | ||
| On the leaderboard. | ||
| This is so great! | ||
| So sad. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| But I have to be honest, as humble as I try to be, if she said, oh, Joe Rogan? | ||
| Like the comedian Joe Rogan? | ||
| I'd be like, oh, she likes me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, by the way, I recognize that because that's exactly how I feel. | |
| You would be like that if someone said Thompson were like, oh my god, disgraceful! | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| She's like, I see this fucking name on my board. | ||
| I'd be like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Anyway, so I was like, yeah, you can take me off. | ||
| Just don't make sure my points don't start over. | ||
| And she goes, you know what? | ||
| Actually, that's cool. | ||
| I'm going to keep you guys on there. | ||
| Do you understand that we got better as a score in terms of how well we did in comparison to most people? | ||
| It was 0.1%, which is much higher. | ||
| It doesn't make sense! | ||
| Much higher than Elizabeth Warren is claiming to be Native American. | ||
| Do you understand? | ||
| Do you understand these numbers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're closer to Calahans than she is in Pocahontas. | |
| That's exactly what I'm saying. | ||
| That's exactly what I'm saying. | ||
| Do you know how crazy we did? | ||
| What we did was bizarre. | ||
| I shout out to Impact Fitness out here. | ||
| That's who you registered with? | ||
| That's who I registered with. | ||
| Did you ever go to the gym? | ||
| Yeah, I work out there all the time. | ||
| That's how I got it. | ||
| That's actually how it is. | ||
| You're good. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| So Micah, Brian, and Sean, I worked out with them all month. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Do you get personal trainers? | ||
| Yeah, those are the guys. | ||
| Oh, I met a dude yesterday. | ||
| Acro-yogist. | ||
| He was like, let me fly you. | ||
| What'd he say? | ||
| Acro-yogist. | ||
| He puts you on his legs like a baby, holds you up, stretches you and shit. | ||
| He was like, hey, do you know Bert Kreischer? | ||
| I would love to do that with him. | ||
| And I was like, do you normally do with like two people on one guy? | ||
| And he was like, what do you mean? | ||
| And I was like, he's very fat. | ||
| I don't think you'd get him up. | ||
| He goes, I for sure could not get him up. | ||
| That's something I had to think about. | ||
| I'm gonna fucking die. | ||
| That guy was anticipating a human centipede on a trampoline. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh, trapeze. | ||
| What's that one that swings? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Trapeze, right? | ||
| Human centipede with the three of you. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I don't understand how we all went so hard. | ||
| Who do you think loves who more? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Do you think? | ||
| Do you think? | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| I'm going to answer your answer now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Answer your answer. | |
| We're not doing this. | ||
| I'll answer. | ||
| Tom will answer. | ||
| Ariel will answer. | ||
| You're not allowed to answer. | ||
| Do you think you love Ari? | ||
| No, I'm not joining on this. | ||
| We're all like each other a lot. | ||
| You guys are crazy to be thinking about this level. | ||
| I like my friends. | ||
| My friends like me. | ||
| You guys are crazy to be focusing on the wrong things. | ||
| Joe, go. | ||
| Yes, I've spent more time with Ari than any of you. | ||
| So if one of you tried to attack Ari, I have a problem with that. | ||
| Ari and I have been friends for too long. | ||
| I'd be like, that doesn't make sense. | ||
| It doesn't compute. | ||
| This is my friend. | ||
| We've got to work this out. | ||
| I don't know you as well as I know him for a million hours. | ||
| I know you for 400,000. | ||
| We have to figure this out. | ||
| I still know you really well. | ||
| What the fuck went wrong? | ||
| That's just how we all have to be. | ||
| I don't love anybody anymore, but if one of you fucks with me... | ||
| If we're on an island, you've got to eat someone first! | ||
| Oh, you know the answer, bro. | ||
| You guys are crazy the way you think. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| I'm starving to death before I eat any of you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For real? | |
| Yes, 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to live, but there's no one else. | |
| I'm eating dead bodies. | ||
| Are you being serious? | ||
| You're a dead body?! | ||
| Not kill me to eat me. | ||
| I don't want to stay alive, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dead body! | |
| Dead body within an hour. | ||
| It's just a vessel! | ||
| I would 100% pull you aside and be like, who do you want to kill, bro? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I would say. | |
| I would be like, who gets the eyeballs? | ||
| We know that's a delicacy. | ||
| Who gets the eyeballs? | ||
| It's always starting with Rogan's ass. | ||
| The problem is, you don't want to die knowing you ate your friend, and it didn't matter. | ||
| Disagree! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Disagree! | |
| You don't want to die knowing you ate your friend to live! | ||
| Here's the reality. | ||
| If you hadn't said this, and this scenario is real, the three of us would be so paranoid about you killing us that we would definitely kill you. | ||
| We would be like, everything is cool, and then we would take rocks and just absolutely fumble you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no, no. | |
| Think it through. | ||
| How do we kill Rowling? | ||
| Hey, Tom, can I talk to you about over here for the second? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, water? | |
| You're going to go get the water for today? | ||
| You know Joe's going to kill us, right? | ||
| Hey, definitely. | ||
| So tonight, when he sleeps, we've got to definitely kill him. | ||
| I think we've got to. | ||
| You've got to. | ||
| I'll get the big rock, and you get the other rock. | ||
| Seriously, we have competed against him. | ||
| How do you think we would go about killing him? | ||
| We would have to make him think that we're definitely not thinking about that. | ||
| Of course I don't think you're thinking about it. | ||
| But we would try to be slick about it. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| We'd sit by fire, and then I would go, hey, Joe, when you eat marijuana, does that break down differently in your liver than other things? | ||
| I'm just going to walk around behind you real quick. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| No, you gotta think that he would be thinking the same thing too. | ||
| So he's like, oh fuck, I would never turn against these guys. | ||
| But for sure when I'm thinking about it, they think if I could turn against them, I would. | ||
| I'm gonna have to kill them. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| They're gonna do it immediately. | ||
| I gotta do it tonight. | ||
| You just gotta accept the fact that you're gonna starve to death. | ||
| That's what you gotta do. | ||
| You gotta accept it because if there's only four of us left and we're in the woods and we're stuck on the top of a mountain and no one's gotten to us yet, what are the odds they're gonna get to us? | ||
| How much time do we have left? | ||
| 30 hours if everything goes great? | ||
| The truth is, Ari would wither away first. | ||
| No, here's the real truth. | ||
| I've just been thinking about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would say immediately, guys, I see what's on both your minds. | |
| You're all thinking of killing each other. | ||
| I get it from both your points of view. | ||
| If we do this, we're never gonna survive. | ||
| I propose a truce. | ||
| Joe, go hunt food. | ||
| Bert, start the fire. | ||
| You're the cook, obviously. | ||
| Tom... | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| College football is your strength, I guess. | ||
| You know a lot about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Listen, if it's just us, think about it. | |
| If it was just us, if it was just us living in the woods, if the world went to shit and we're like on an episode of Life Below Zero, we live in some sort of fucking house that we have to put together ourself, we'll make it. | ||
| Just like we got through this weird month, okay? | ||
| That's true. | ||
| What's fucking strange about being a person is that you don't know what your boundaries are. | ||
| You just know what you do most of the time. | ||
| So all of a sudden, when something comes up that requires way more of what you're used to putting out. | ||
| Way more! | ||
| Way more! | ||
| Dude! | ||
| But isn't that fucking with your perspective at all? | ||
| That you know what you're capable of? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I already beat myself up about that. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I already beat myself up about that. | ||
| We are middle-aged comedians. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| So you go, like, I'm not doing enough already. | ||
| I think you already go, I'm not doing enough already. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So then when you have that thought and you do a month like that, then you go, I'm really not doing enough. | ||
| Really not doing that. | ||
| Yeah, for real. | ||
| What I try to do is eat healthy. | ||
| I fuck hard every time. | ||
| I bet you do. | ||
| And then, you know, I walk. | ||
| I take bikes also. | ||
| A combination of all those. | ||
| Do you ever fuck while you're chewing gum? | ||
| Why'd that jump? | ||
| Wait, is that a bitch? | ||
| That's fucking aggressive. | ||
| That's our picture, Ari. | ||
| Waddle gum. | ||
| stronger with the sugar content. | ||
| Big Lee Chew, dude. | ||
| Big Lee Chew is the best. | ||
| Big Lee Chew. | ||
| When you see it at a fucking sporting goods store or something, you're like, yeah. | ||
| I'm chewing that for the rest of the week. | ||
| I just bought a five-gallon tub of it for my daughter's Waddle gum. | ||
| Wad Five gallons? | ||
| You're a good dad, bro. | ||
| And I was like, dude, welcome to fucking drugs. | ||
| That's what I picture Ari, Big League Chew laying pipe. | ||
| Just chew, chew, bang, bang. | ||
| I kept meaning to wear the fucking, the strap while it was fucking. | ||
| I did it, Jack. | ||
| You wrote that? | ||
| You said something about my cock fast and hard. | ||
| That was the name of one of your posts. | ||
| Oh, maybe. | ||
| Hold on, they don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| Right at the end of the last day, I put it on right at the end, though. | ||
| But I was like, you know how your heartbeat goes down fast? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, by the time it went down to like 170. 12 points. | ||
| So I was for sure over 180 while I was happy. | ||
| I jacked off in Phoenix. | ||
| You got 12 points for jerking off? | ||
| 12 points for jerking off. | ||
| I got done in the workout. | ||
| Went up to the room. | ||
| Heart rate's still on. | ||
| Still in the blue. | ||
| You know what you should have done just for science? | ||
| How high did it get? | ||
| I sat down. | ||
| It got up to the green. | ||
| Never got into the yellow, but I had to... | ||
| When I was doing it, it wasn't moving out of the gray. | ||
| Here's my thoughts. | ||
| What were you watching? | ||
| I had to watch it. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I had turned off the Bluetooth because it was based on my headsets that I just worked off, and it cut off the monitor. | ||
| And so I thought it was a dead... | ||
| Yeah, it cut off the monitor. | ||
| If your Bluetooth wasn't on, it didn't register points. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right, right, right. | |
| So you can't have headsets? | ||
| But you can have headsets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I cut off the headset so I could hear the porn on my phone. | ||
| So I cut off the Bluetooth so I could watch the porn. | ||
| And by the way, I had to sit down like a catcher. | ||
| I had to squat to jack off to try to burn. | ||
| To get some movement. | ||
| I was like, yeah, so I'm squatting, I'm pumping up a little bit, pumping. | ||
| And yeah, 12 points. | ||
| 12 points, but I was afraid I didn't register them at all. | ||
| That's a fun point. | ||
| Those are fun points. | ||
| Hey, that's three minutes, bro. | ||
| Oh, no, that's four minutes, because you're in the green. | ||
| Yeah, don't think I wasn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I added wrong. | |
| You know, in a lot of those Kung Fu classes, they make you do a horse dance, and they make you hold it. | ||
| That would get you for a while. | ||
| Get into a horse dance, stand like this, and you just hold it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They make you stand for like 40 minutes, 45 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
40 minutes? | |
| No. | ||
| No, no bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of really wacky ideas in regards to kung-fu type training. | ||
| Some people just make up their own protocols, like stand in a horse stance, stand there for one hour. | ||
| That's Nazi shit. | ||
| Put your hand over the flame for as long as you can. | ||
| It's also the same thing that happened to us this month. | ||
| Like, how much can you do? | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| How much can you really do? | ||
| It didn't make any sense. | ||
| Ari. | ||
| Ari, you're doing it. | ||
| You fucking psycho. | ||
| You fucked it up. | ||
| Why? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just go to the bathroom. | |
| We'll all go to the bathroom together. | ||
| Go to the bathroom. | ||
| I'm doing that. | ||
| He's going to pee in the bottle. | ||
| No, no, no, go to the bathroom. | ||
| I'm going to go to the bathroom while he's going to the bathroom. | ||
| But he pees in the bottle like every episode. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Why are you doing this? | ||
| Because I don't want to go again. | ||
| Come on, let's go. | ||
| It's already over. | ||
| Let's go to the bathroom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| It's over. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop it. | |
| Tom, it's over. | ||
| Tom, it's over. | ||
| Don't even think about it. | ||
| Don't even think about it. | ||
| I've seen it for years. | ||
| Tom. | ||
| Why do they even think about it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're letting it get to you. | |
| Joe. | ||
| Ari. | ||
| That was a great month. | ||
| I couldn't believe I did any of that. | ||
| It was a lot of fun. | ||
| I couldn't believe you did, but I... I wasn't completely surprised. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was happy. | ||
| I was happy. | ||
| I was happy that you showed me... | ||
| I always... | ||
| Like, we've been friends for a long time, and I've always said, like, Hari's just got this, like, very strong mind. | ||
| Like, you're not... | ||
| You know, you're not a guy who gives up on shit, and you're a guy who thinks through things. | ||
| We've had many comments about that. | ||
| Through those last few days, I was like, I think if I can get, like, right after they go to sleep, a bunch of points, and then right before they wake up, another bunch of points, which was, like, beginning of my night, end of my night, I could break them mentally. | ||
| I could get, like, 700 above them. | ||
| Yeah, and then you wrote me right then, like, hey, man, you're pretty smart. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, I think I just got them. | ||
| Like, the 29th of October. | ||
| Yeah, you got deep. | ||
| You got pretty deep. | ||
| And you went... | ||
| I mean, there was one day that you ran 15 miles. | ||
| And I posted that on my Instagram. | ||
| I was like, do you understand that Ari didn't work out for 10 years? | ||
| He ran 15 miles. | ||
| And then he rode 5 kilometers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 5,000 meters, 5 kilometers of rowing, and then biked for like... | ||
| Yes. | ||
| 15 miles is ridiculous. | ||
| I put that shit on my Instagram. | ||
| I was dead after that. | ||
| I was dead. | ||
| Only out of spite. | ||
| That's the only thing that can drive me. | ||
| It's just pure spite. | ||
| And what was the spite? | ||
| What was the motivation? | ||
| I hated all of you for dragging me into it. | ||
| I already decided... | ||
| I didn't drag you into this! | ||
| Joe, you definitely dragged him into this. | ||
| I didn't drag anybody into this. | ||
| You all dragged me into this. | ||
| I had no intention of doing it. | ||
| My life is fine. | ||
| My life is fine too, man. | ||
| My life's good. | ||
| Everybody's life is fine. | ||
| First of all, every one of these challenges has just been a shit Joe Rogan's already doing. | ||
| Hey, why don't I make the contest? | ||
| Bring this one up. | ||
| What Joe Rogan's already doing? | ||
| That's why surfing is going to be fun. | ||
| Let's all do that! | ||
| That's why surfing is going to be amazing for us. | ||
| Surfing is going to be the shit, dude. | ||
| We're going to all end up on Pipeline in the lineup. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| This is us. | ||
| Time. | ||
| Oh wait, there's already an app. | ||
| There's a tracker and everything for you. | ||
| Oh, we're good. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| We're good. | ||
| Tracer. | ||
| Time surfing. | ||
| Guys, I live in New York. | ||
| Did he get locked out? | ||
| Ari, Ari, Ari. | ||
| How's it locked? | ||
| Is it locked? | ||
| I think I might have locked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's why he's out there? | |
| No, but I didn't know that that thing locked it. | ||
| Oh, I saw him waiting there. | ||
| I thought he was just not coming in. | ||
| Bert locks every door right before he goes through it. | ||
| Lock it for Boogeyman! | ||
| I thought he just wasn't coming in, dude. | ||
| When you were smiling, I thought he just wasn't coming in. | ||
| I had no idea you were locked out. | ||
| I thought you were intentionally not coming in. | ||
| I didn't know why. | ||
| I was like, I don't get it, Tom. | ||
| I was like, how is that not a bit? | ||
| That wasn't a bit? | ||
| I thought that was definitely a bit. | ||
| Oh, I locked it walking out, but I didn't shut it. | ||
| I was saying, Bert's like, every door he goes through, lock it quick, what if the boogeyman comes through? | ||
| That's not what I sound like. | ||
| What does that feel like to have, actually, that actually means you're very distinct. | ||
| Everybody can do an impression, basically. | ||
| I don't know if that's distinct. | ||
| Yes, of course. | ||
| The first person I ever heard do it was Red Band. | ||
| It really caught me off guard when he was like, me, me, me, me, me, me. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I can do an impression of you. | ||
| You can definitely do an impression of Ari. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do it. | |
| What does your shirt say? | ||
| Lost Colt. | ||
| I love Colt. | ||
| Colt Cabana. | ||
| Wrestler. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I thought it was some Jewish thing. | ||
| I saw Star of David. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's Jewish. | ||
| Colt's Jewish. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| One of the first podcasters. | ||
| Colt Cabana. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Who was the first ever? | ||
| Ricky Gervais. | ||
| I thought it was Carolla. | ||
| Ricky Gervais. | ||
| Is the first at what? | ||
| Ricky Gervais. | ||
| Carolla got into the mainstream. | ||
| But what about the guy from Adam Curry? | ||
| The God Podfather. | ||
| Was he the first? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keith and the girl was doing it for a while before everybody started. | |
| Damn, we should probably establish who was first, right? | ||
| George Washington was the first president. | ||
| We're all professional comedians. | ||
| Most professional politicians would be able to tell you who the first fucking president was. | ||
| No idea. | ||
| We're like... | ||
| Who's the first podcaster? | ||
| We really don't know, right? | ||
| Dude, I heard... | ||
| There was internet radio. | ||
| There was internet radio and then it just became podcasting. | ||
| Who was first between you and Maren? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maren. | |
| Him, for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maren. | |
| For sure. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I'm asking. | ||
| Now you know. | ||
| Well, now you know. | ||
| Why don't you stop arguing? | ||
| Here's what I think. | ||
| I think... | ||
|
unidentified
|
So crazy. | |
| I kind of think that... | ||
| I think that Adam Curry was number one. | ||
| Who's Adam Curry? | ||
| Adam Curry is an ex-VJ from MTV, and he is known as the Podfather, the guy that started podcasting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ricky Gervais has the first recognizable model. | |
| I don't know his relationship history, but I think he's a George Washington. | ||
| Who is? | ||
| Adam Curry. | ||
| I think he is. | ||
| How early was Gervais? | ||
| Gervais is number one, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| The first big one where you were... | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| But no, first one. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Is he the first one? | ||
| Or is that Adam Curry? | ||
| No, Adam Curry definitely is the first one. | ||
| Ricky Gervais, according to Wikipedia, Ricky Gervais is always right. | ||
| Which is always right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which, by the way, lists your age at 53. We just put you at 73, bitch. | |
| It's the always right thing that says 53. Fuck you, fake news. | ||
| We can't keep up with these trolls! | ||
| 2006, but in June 2005, Apple added podcasting to the iTunes. | ||
| So that means he's already going. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Ricky Gervais had a BBC show. | ||
| So Ricky Gervais was number one? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| His show was launched a year after. | ||
| Adam Curry's. | ||
| After podcasting was added to iTunes. | ||
| Whose was? | ||
| Because that means when it was added to iTunes, it was already going as a thing. | ||
| You're talking about Adam right now. | ||
| Good point. | ||
| No, but Ari's point's valid. | ||
| It was already there, but it just wasn't on iTunes. | ||
| No, it was not. | ||
| It was not there. | ||
| But wait, are you talking about different people? | ||
| No, no, no, it was not there. | ||
| You're talking about different people right now. | ||
| It started in 2004. Whose was? | ||
| Two years before. | ||
| The company Libsyn, which... | ||
| But wait. | ||
| Yeah, but they had no way to release it. | ||
| You're saying Apple was started, and then a year later... | ||
| No, not Apple. | ||
| Apple started podcasts. | ||
| Can I ask you this? | ||
| Let's just Google this for a goof. | ||
| Who was the very first podcaster? | ||
| That's what I started. | ||
| That's what I started. | ||
| And that's where you failed at locating. | ||
| Wait, let me just chime in a little bit. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| Let me chime in a little bit. | ||
| The only thing you didn't come up with, Jamie. | ||
| It's just information. | ||
| We don't have to be competitive. | ||
| You guys started asking more questions as I was looking through this. | ||
| This is an excellent excuse making you're making. | ||
| Before you get back to the doing, which you used to do, which is what we loved you for, you already got shit done. | ||
| We brought the old Jamie back. | ||
| It was new, Jamie. | ||
| He was sort of a celebrity. | ||
| You were on the correct thread to start off and say it was internet radio, because I was going to say I was recording internet radio talk shows in 2005. You were? | ||
| A lot of you were. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Let me jump in right now. | ||
| So there's a difference between, because MySpace was offering an app on a phone where you could do a podcast. | ||
| That's where the Monday morning podcast came up. | ||
| Can I stop all of you for a moment? | ||
| Jamie, if you had a guess, who do you think was number one? | ||
| But I mean, what did you think of it? | ||
| Adam Curry gets the credit for it. | ||
| I believe Adam Curry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what the international podcast day says. | |
| I think he invented the name podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, good point. | |
| It's not credited to him in that Wikipedia article. | ||
| He invented the name? | ||
| Wait, can I ask Jamie something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was him or that other guy that he does the podcast with? | |
| There's another guy who's like a science tech guy. | ||
| Some guy named Bob Doyle or... | ||
| Bob Dole. | ||
| Bob Dole. | ||
| But it should be noted that Bill Burr and Bobby Kelly definitely had podcasts way before this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Where it gets tricky is podcasts were released on MySpace through a phone app. | ||
| It was called Podcast? | ||
| Tom has a question. | ||
| The first memory I've had of podcasting, yes. | ||
| I want to ask Jamie something. | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| Jamie. | ||
| You've been here for I don't know how many podcasts. | ||
| You're the best. | ||
| Everybody loves you. | ||
| What is... | ||
| Do you have a favorite podcast? | ||
| Seriously, because you've witnessed so many. | ||
| Like that I've sat through? | ||
| Sure, that you've sat through. | ||
| Do you have a top three? | ||
| Something that comes to mind. | ||
| What's the top three? | ||
| The one we did last year of this was pretty good. | ||
| That's probably for sure up there. | ||
| It's one of the best. | ||
| Post yoga, when we were coming down, we were smoking weed, getting drunk. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Yeah, that was fun. | ||
| What else? | ||
| One of the first fight companions because that started a whole series of things. | ||
| So that's memorable to you. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Anything else? | ||
| An individual podcast. | ||
| No. | ||
| How about a guest that really, like, you go, like, holy shit. | ||
| Like, Kid Cudi and Maynard were probably my top two favorite. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maynard's... | |
| Maynard James Keenan from Tool. | ||
| Okay, great. | ||
| I had to ask. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm sorry! | ||
| Listen. | ||
| You got it, man. | ||
| What these few years have done is enhanced our friendship. | ||
| Yeah, I love this guy, too, by the way. | ||
| It's a great way to fucking do some work and get, like, closer to your friends. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Jamie's the best, though. | ||
| Listen, we got fucking close to each other this month. | ||
| I think he should be fired, but let's talk back about what we were saying. | ||
| Especially with you two. | ||
| I really like you two. | ||
| I feel like I really click with you guys the most. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm gonna fucking kick you. | |
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| It's like I want Bird to catch up. | ||
| You fucking assholes. | ||
| Anyway, so when Tommy went down with the injury, when Tommy was like, hey, I think I'm injured, me and Bert were like, what is this? | ||
| Play this. | ||
| Dude, watch this. | ||
| Please watch this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is hilarious. | |
| Play this. | ||
| Follow me, please. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here, Nashville, Tennessee, right here in the place where we got inducted to the Hall of Fame. | |
| Great room right here in the Country Music Hall of Fame. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Announced the world tour today, the stadium tour. | |
| This is going to be fun. | ||
| I wanted to call it the big-ass stadium tour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a stadium tour. | |
| Above is all the information on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But what we're talking about today is we're going to introduce five cities before Christmas to go on sale. | |
| Because on Inside Studio G, you guys ask for a longer planning date so you can plan to be as many as you can. | ||
| What are you showing me, Jamie? | ||
| Here it comes. | ||
| First two cities. | ||
| St. Louis is where we're kicking it off of. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just watch it. | |
| He's so weird. | ||
| Phoenix. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Specifically Glendale, Arizona. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Where the Cardinals play. | ||
| This is about to get great. | ||
| Stadium as well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So those are the first two. | |
| The other three will be announced here shortly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And again, they'll all be on sale before Christmas. | |
| And remember, this is all about game day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every show is going to be game day or Garth day, however you want to look at it. | |
| Come dress in your full color, support your team. | ||
| Let's go have some fun. | ||
| And let's get physical playing music. | ||
| I like that thought. | ||
| He's so weird. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| Get that off the screen, Jamie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've got to prepare me for shit. | |
| Here's the thing. | ||
| By the way, we've got to say this. | ||
| Garth is an amazing performer. | ||
| Why would you say that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought you said it before. | |
| Let him set it up. | ||
| He's so many people's favorite. | ||
| He's a top-selling actor. | ||
| He sells more tickets than Beyonce. | ||
| That dude is amazing. | ||
| Other level. | ||
| They sold out Notre Dame Stadium in under a fucking hour. | ||
| Just unbelievable. | ||
| It's out of control. | ||
| He's been so famous for so long that I think he really thinks, what are normal people like? | ||
| You know, if you said, like, how much is a bottle of whiskey? | ||
| He'd be like, I don't know, ten grand? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A million dollars! | |
| He doesn't fucking have any idea, and his social media is really awkward, and it's the best thing in the world right now. | ||
| It really is great. | ||
| It really is amazing. | ||
| From the announcement, that Facebook one that you know was, you saw that one. | ||
| He's like, well, I guess it's official. | ||
| Christina just posted this video, I'm obsessed with Garth Brooks. | ||
| And it's so fucking amazing. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's one of the best videos I've ever seen that I watched over and over and over again. | ||
| Did you see what your wife posted earlier with the lady getting hit in the head with the fish? | ||
| Oh my god, what was that? | ||
| Oh, this is one push post. | ||
| Oh, this is hashtag. | ||
| It's on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hashtag ask Garth. | |
| Ask me anything, okay? | ||
| Hashtag happy. | ||
| Hashtag Garth. | ||
| Hashtag Mr. Yearwood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Hashtag you're it. | ||
| You're in. | ||
| For what? | ||
| Stop this, Jamie. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| You've got to stop this right now. | ||
| He does that thing where he does this. | ||
| He's so famous. | ||
| His wife's famous, but she's not as famous as him. | ||
| Trisha, your wife? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Wait, what? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Hashtag Mr. Yearwood. | ||
| So that's why he goes Mr. Yearwood. | ||
| So he does that thing where he's like, I'm Mr. Yearwood. | ||
| I took my wife's lap. | ||
| Because I'm just like y'all. | ||
| I wanted to take my wife's first name, too. | ||
| He married Trisha Yearwood? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They've been married for a while. | ||
| Where have you been? | ||
| Okay, go ahead. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Great winners. | ||
| He's just... | ||
| I think he's very sincere. | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| But there's something fucking weird going on there, and I think he's got a couple bodies in the trunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| I just don't... | ||
| I think there's something going on. | ||
| I think it's somebody... | ||
| You know how there's something about when you watch, or you remember back to Michael Jackson, and you're like... | ||
| That guy got weird, obviously. | ||
| But also, how incomprehensible is it to be as famous as he is? | ||
| Or was, Michael Jackson? | ||
| Garth Brooks, for me, the part that's a reach or whatever is that none of my friends are ever like, hey man, did you hear that new Garth Brooks track? | ||
| I don't have anyone in my life talking about him, so he seems almost like a foreign entity, right? | ||
| But country fans. | ||
| Did you ever like any of his stuff? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know any of it. | ||
| He's a great artist. | ||
| I'm completely removed from it. | ||
| You know some of this stuff. | ||
| But we don't listen to the country. | ||
| It's an anthem. | ||
| Have you ever heard that song? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Sure, of course. | ||
| It's a fun song, man. | ||
| Yeah, it's everybody's... | ||
| It's an anthem. | ||
| I know that. | ||
| If you look at all-time fun drinking songs... | ||
| That's one of them. | ||
| Damn, it's close to number one. | ||
| Look, man, I had no idea. | ||
| If you're drunk enough to relax... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And not worry about which fucking rednecks. | ||
| You're drunk enough to relax. | ||
| You have a couple tequilas in you. | ||
| I can appreciate it, dude. | ||
| I own some Clint Black shit. | ||
| I have some Hank Williams stuff. | ||
| I'm not knocking it all together. | ||
| I'm just saying he's not somebody that I regularly, or that I even talk to someone who's like, I'm going to Garth Brooks this weekend. | ||
| Waylon Jennings. | ||
| Waylon Jennings. | ||
| His social media is that special. | ||
| It is remarkable. | ||
| It should be recognized. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| He has this show where whenever he's so famous that he'll just post, he'll be like, we're inside Studio G right now. | ||
| He calls it Studio G. Grace Brooks Studio? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I'm doing that with your podcast, please. | ||
| Studio G. Studio J. I'm already doing Studio G. Studio JRE. Studio JRE. He does weird waves where he doesn't know how to end a video, so he'll just be like, come see me at this stadium this weekend. | ||
| He'll just wave. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| It's the best thing I've ever seen. | ||
| It is pretty fucking amazing. | ||
| I'm obsessed with it now, and I found it through him in Push. | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| And I don't know if he's cut a video yet, but you know Vic Berger, the editor? | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| I don't know how. | ||
| He just pulls the best content and edits it amazingly. | ||
| And he put up a bunch of Garth's Instagram stuff. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Or just go to Garth Brooks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go straight to the source. | |
| Just make your own decisions. | ||
| We should do a stadium tour where we just get comfortable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is that what he says? | ||
| Get physical! | ||
| Get physical with the music! | ||
| Let's get physical out there. | ||
| While we're making music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like that. | |
| What? | ||
| Let's get physical while we're doing comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like that. | |
| You like comedy? | ||
| You like comedy physical! | ||
| Because here's the thing, he was like, we're going to do this in stadiums, where normally you see football teams, so wear your favorite football team's uniform, and then let's get physical while we're making music. | ||
| You know what is weird about comedy? | ||
| You know, like my dad would say? | ||
| Yeah, go ahead. | ||
| Sorry, there's a weird thing that happened for a little while, where if you were too theatrical, comics would get upset at you. | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you moved around too much, you got physical, you acted things out, people would literally shun you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a few people that thought you should just stand there. | |
| Yeah, that was a style for a while, right? | ||
| I remember hearing someone talk. | ||
| I want to say it was in the movie Comedian, Jerry Seinfeld, going, if I have a bit, I'll act it out because if it gets a bigger laugh, then that's the purpose. | ||
| And I remember feeling vindicated because I was super physical when I started. | ||
| Man, it's a weird thing. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Why would anybody... | ||
| I also embraced looking more like shit than I do, naturally. | ||
| So I would be like, if this shirt has a hole in it, wear it to do a set. | ||
| Wow, really? | ||
| Yeah, for a while. | ||
| For a while. | ||
| I was like, oh, you should look... | ||
| For some reason, I don't know why I bought into that. | ||
| I was like, you should just look like... | ||
| What is that saying? | ||
| What are you trying to do to me, man? | ||
| Your mom's house fans are taking over his comments. | ||
| You son of a bitch! | ||
| You goddamn tanked! | ||
| Wait, why do you wear what you wear on stage? | ||
| I wear things that are loose. | ||
| I'm curious because you dress specifically, which as a guy who wears no shirt and people go, oh, there must be no thought in that. | ||
| Wait. | ||
| No, there's totally thought. | ||
| Yeah, I don't wear a shirt. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| I've actually took me a second to recognize it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I'm the guy. | ||
| I thought that was Adam Hunter. | ||
| That's you the whole time. | ||
| There's another guy that's doing that, though, right? | ||
| There's a lot of other guys right now. | ||
| How many guys? | ||
| Bert, you're an official influencer. | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| Goddamn Chippendales comedy. | ||
| I'm not joking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not joking. | |
| How about the Stars Network sponsors the Chippendales Comedy Network? | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| The offer's rolling in. | ||
| Every week, posting, naked. | ||
| Do you put thought into what you wear, though? | ||
| Yes, I wear things that are loose. | ||
| Your wrists are never buttoned. | ||
| Yeah, I want loose. | ||
| I want all the muscles to be covered, everything to be non-form-fitting. | ||
| That's like the opposite of me. | ||
| If I wear anything that's form-fitting, I get uncomfortable. | ||
| Wait, generally or just for a taping? | ||
| On stage. | ||
| Otherwise, do you feel fine wearing form-fitting? | ||
| Yeah, people go, oh, your shirts are always... | ||
| Somebody needs to fucking find your shirts that fit. | ||
| Like, I can't wear shirts that fit. | ||
| You can't even find them. | ||
| You're like, I've tried. | ||
| They're like, Joe Rogan's tried, but he can't find his shirt. | ||
| No, I get that. | ||
| I know, I understand that. | ||
| I'm saying from their perspective. | ||
| But I get it because there's also, have you ever done where you go, I'm going to get a bunch of clothes right now, and you put on something that feels cool, but then you look in the mirror and you're like, this is too cool. | ||
| You're like, I can't wear this. | ||
| It's way too cool for the stage. | ||
| You've got to wear something that makes you feel Cool enough and relaxed. | ||
| That's the main thing. | ||
| Comfortable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Loose. | |
| You can dress cool like a wedding or something. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| You can dress cool among your friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Or it's like, I'm dressing cool today. | ||
| But if you're like, if you put it on and you're like, oh, I look like I'm trying to be Jason Statham right now. | ||
| You guys need to fuck with these rubber jeans, man. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Jason Statham. | ||
| You feel like you're like, you look in the mirror. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's who Tom thinks he is. | |
| No, that's who you think you are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to look right now. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What the fuck was that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know! | |
| It's him! | ||
| That's his voice. | ||
| It is a fucking joy. | ||
| Oh, I love this. | ||
| I'm so glad we do this. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| This is so much better than being on an elliptical machine for five and a half hours. | ||
| Fuck that, dude. | ||
| Oh, it's worth it, though. | ||
| But not fuck that. | ||
| Just fuck that most of the time. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Listen, fuck that most of the time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| It was never good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Next year, I have to wake up and go, fuck these idiots and bring pressure. | |
| Quit! | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Next year we're surfing. | ||
| No one surfs. | ||
| No one can practice until next year. | ||
| I'm not practicing. | ||
| Next year we're surfing. | ||
| I promise I'm not practicing. | ||
| Can we get coaches? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I want Sonny Garcia. | ||
| I want Brad Gerlach. | ||
| You can do whatever you want. | ||
| How do you know all these surfers' names? | ||
| I grew up wanting to surf so bad. | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| You can do whatever you want once October gets started. | ||
| If you want to hire a coach, 100%. | ||
| If you want to hire a trainer... | ||
| Kelly, I grew up close to Sebastian Inlet. | ||
| I know exactly where that is, dog. | ||
| I know that you loved it. | ||
| I like you. | ||
| I never liked your brother. | ||
| Sebastian Linlet. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| 772. Let's do this, dog. | ||
| Cocoa Thieves, Kelly, to Daytona by the pier. | ||
| You don't want to ask Shane Dorian or Kelly Slater to teach you surfing because they don't have the time. | ||
| No, they definitely don't have the time. | ||
| There's probably a ton of real surfing instructors that can teach you. | ||
| Bitch, you ain't going to be a world champion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kelly Slater has no time for this pool. | |
| He would be like, what the fuck are you? | ||
| You fat fucking asshole! | ||
|
unidentified
|
How great would it be if Kelly... | |
| I teach you to fake surf for a month, but you gotta quit for sure. | ||
| Yo, Kelly, you gotta hook me up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How great would it be if Kelly Slater sat down with you and was like, and I'd like to try stand-up. | |
| Can you help me write jokes? | ||
| They're like, oh, no, it's my bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'd be like, dude, just stop. | |
| It's starting to work out. | ||
| Let's not do that. | ||
| Oh, I wouldn't need another drink. | ||
| This is the best buzz. | ||
| I remember one time, remember we went to Hawaii? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I gave you dits! | ||
| I gave you dits! | ||
| That's true, you did. | ||
| Did you ever see that video, Joe? | ||
| Yeah, I saw that video. | ||
| Best video in the universe. | ||
| I'll just tell you it's better if you don't see it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Tommy shaves my back and then he goes, should I shave my back? | ||
| And I go, yeah. | ||
| Oh, I've seen that video. | ||
| Yes, of course. | ||
| I checked off to it three times. | ||
| You guys were in Hawaii. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| And I hollowed out his tits. | ||
| Beautiful job. | ||
| Oh, dude, that makes me laugh to this day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good times. | |
| Good video, man. | ||
| So, world tour and stadiums. | ||
| Stadiums. | ||
| Maybe arenas is a good start. | ||
| Let's not go to places where we're going to get arrested for ridiculous shit. | ||
| Where would you go, seriously, if I said, hey, if we start in March, do you want to start doing some half-hour stadium sets? | ||
| Or arena sets. | ||
| Let's say arenas. | ||
| Yeah, let's figure out where we're going to go. | ||
| Let's get together and sort this fucking thing out, boys. | ||
| I would do something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's have some goddamn fun. | ||
| Madison Square Garden. | ||
| Of course, that's on the list. | ||
| Let's have some goddamn fun. | ||
| Madison Square Garden. | ||
| Let's start there. | ||
| What would you want to do? | ||
| Staples Center? | ||
| What would you want to do? | ||
| Madison Square Garden. | ||
| Have you ever had a comic tell you, for real, not joking, sincere, that you can't follow me? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you? | |
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. | ||
| Yeah, all of us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| On the road? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Who said that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here? | |
| In this room? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I was like, wait, what the fuck? | ||
| Who said that to you? | ||
| I mean, it's not good. | ||
| I can't say it. | ||
| I'll tell you off, Mike. | ||
| Just whisper it. | ||
| Mouth it to us and we won't say it. | ||
| Can you say this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you say Candyman, Candyman, Candyman? | |
| No way! | ||
| We'll pass it. | ||
| Not even a chance. | ||
| Hey, write it down and we'll write it down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not even a chance. | |
| We'll just pass it underneath. | ||
| Let's do this. | ||
| You don't know how paranoid I am. | ||
| Of course that's not going to happen. | ||
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's all write it down. | |
| I'm not going to write it down. | ||
| Hey, Tom, good for you keeping it together fucked up and drunk. | ||
| Fuck you, Joe. | ||
| Bro, bro, bro. | ||
| Ask me a secret. | ||
| We can better talk about it. | ||
| Oh, should we have reservations? | ||
| Right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whisper ear. | |
| Whisper ear! | ||
| I'm not doing it. | ||
| I'm not doing it. | ||
| I'm telling you bitches right now. | ||
| I take all my secrets to Tommy first. | ||
| From now on. | ||
| Hardcore. | ||
| He's holding on to them. | ||
| You bitches are loose lips. | ||
| I'm never loose lips. | ||
| Just because I try to crack his vault doesn't mean I have a vault. | ||
| We're both too drunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, Bert's the worst. | |
| Do not tell him. | ||
| Bert's the worst. | ||
| Do not tell him. | ||
| No, you can't tell Bert. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Fuck you guys. | ||
| I told you a secret. | ||
| Seriously, I'll go through fucking CIA shit and I will not tell you a secret. | ||
| I promise you. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| I promise you. | ||
| For real. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| I promise you. | ||
| If you told me something was a secret. | ||
| I've told you so many secrets, it's ridiculous. | ||
| If you told me this is a fucking secret, people could break my fingers and I wouldn't tell them. | ||
| I promise you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For real. | |
| I promise you. | ||
| What about you? | ||
| I'm not saying shit. | ||
| For real? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I'll tell you a secret. | ||
| You won't take it anywhere? | ||
| I'm not saying shit. | ||
| I'll tell you the actual order of who can keep a secret and who cannot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell us. | |
| Start with where. | ||
| Who's the bad? | ||
| Who's the worst? | ||
| Bert's the worst. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Bert, honestly, and this is not an insult. | ||
| You should tell Burt Secrets if you want it to get out, but you don't want it to come from you. | ||
| It's like a source. | ||
| It's a press source. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like one of them CIA leaks in Serbia. | |
| That's right. | ||
| Deep throats right here beside us. | ||
| I call my special secret time. | ||
| Some dude in Antarctica and shit. | ||
| Burt gets a fucking secret briefcase full of bullshit. | ||
| I'm curious, what's next? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't believe this! | |
| Yeah! | ||
| He puts it on his blog. | ||
| Yeah, he puts it on his blog. | ||
| Joe Rogan is next on that list. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| He can keep a secret sometimes. | ||
| Sometimes he cannot. | ||
| Depends. | ||
| I have to file it into significance or incident evidence. | ||
| It's possible, though, if you don't make it very clear that it's like, fucking goddammit. | ||
| But... | ||
| I'm always looking out for your best interests. | ||
| That is true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He will always defend your friend. | |
| Yeah, I agree with that. | ||
| Till this point, I always thought then, I was the most vaulted. | ||
| But the way you talk makes me think that you might also have my understanding of when someone shares something with you. | ||
| That just dies with you. | ||
| If you tell me that that dies with me, I will never betray you. | ||
| I'll let it out once it's all out to everybody and be like, oh, just so you know, I knew about that 12 years ago. | ||
| Yeah, but there's also different levels of people telling you something. | ||
| And there's stuff where you make the judgment, you're like, this is some bullshit. | ||
| And then there's stuff where you're like, this is a little more serious. | ||
| And then there's stuff where somebody tells you something and it's actually something that could affect their life. | ||
| And there's a 0% chance I would ever say something that you told me. | ||
| Use your head. | ||
| Don't say that. | ||
| If you ever told me something severe, I promise you would never have to worry about me saying anything to anybody. | ||
| Let me step in for one second. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Like, I've judged off a couple kids. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| Don't say this. | ||
| Okay, cool. | ||
| Can we talk about this? | ||
| But one reality is that sometimes one of your friends will say something that's disturbing, and you're not sure if you have talked to somebody about it. | ||
| Oh, like, I think about killing myself, or like, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| When you and I... But I'm not thinking, I'm not saying this in terms of that. | ||
| When Ari and I had these kind of conversations, and I didn't know... | ||
| Then you're like, do I talk to people about this? | ||
| And I didn't understand how to deal with that. | ||
| I didn't know anybody who had gone to that place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To the, I'm close to killing myself place. | ||
| I've known people that have killed themselves, but I never knew anybody who confided in me that they were thinking of killing themselves. | ||
| Yeah, I've never had that either. | ||
| No one as close as you and I were. | ||
| You and I had spent so much fun time together, so much traveling on the road together, so many gigs. | ||
| We had a lot of fun. | ||
| So, I didn't understand. | ||
| I was like, you're a really hilarious comedian. | ||
| You're a professional comedian. | ||
| You're doing what we all want to do. | ||
| Everything is happening. | ||
| And then you're depressed. | ||
| I'm like, there's a situation going on. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck it is, but it doesn't make any sense to me. | ||
| I've never had anybody confide in me like that. | ||
| That's a different kind of confide. | ||
| That's when you're like, let me make the best what I think is a decision. | ||
| Instead of just going like, I want to share this. | ||
| Yeah, of course it's better. | ||
| No, that's different. | ||
| You're fine on that. | ||
| You opened up about some shit that I was like, okay, I can't be responsible for this just based on my own personal judgment because I don't understand this that well. | ||
| And I was like, I've got to figure out what to do. | ||
| And then I reached out to friends who told me about psychiatrists and then we got together. | ||
| Yeah, you're fine on that. | ||
| That's making a decision to like... | ||
| Oh, that's a good time. | ||
| Share information. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| You're like, hold on, let me think about this now. | ||
| I'm not talking about that. | ||
| I'm talking about... | ||
| A secret. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| My thing is, if you're going to make me find out for myself, I'm going to tell fucking everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But if you tell me... | ||
| If I tell you, you're going to respect it. | ||
| I will absolutely respect it. | ||
| I think you and I are on the same level with that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Where it's not a question of what the line is. | ||
| It's just no. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Especially if I were to tell you this is a no, you would never fuck me up on that. | ||
| Wouldn't even be a question. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Wouldn't come out. | ||
| Unless someone brings it up in conversation and you're like, oh yeah, of course this happened. | ||
| Yeah, but if you tell me no... | ||
| I'll bury it so much I don't even think about it. | ||
| Burt would sell you out. | ||
| I'm so bad at secrets. | ||
| I would not sell you out. | ||
| I would not sell you out. | ||
| I would never sell someone out, but I would definitely... | ||
| I will make some judgment calls on nonsense. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| But if you tell me to not say anything, that's different. | ||
| You just got to be clear with you. | ||
| I appreciate that level of a friendship, too, where somebody goes, I will call you out on some bullshit. | ||
| I also will say this. | ||
| I think Bert, if you told him this is definitely a secret, he would definitely not sell you out. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| I've had him. | ||
| I've said, don't tell us anyone. | ||
| And within the day, it's been out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One time. | |
| One time. | ||
| Your fucking phone lines bug, son. | ||
| CIA, NSA. | ||
| One time? | ||
| One time I gave up Ari's secret within 12 hours. | ||
| He told me a secret but I didn't understand it. | ||
| I understood that it was a secret but he didn't say it was a secret the way he wanted it to be a secret. | ||
| This time we went hiking and I was like, hey, I have a secret hike. | ||
| Can I trust you to not share the hike with you that you won't share with anybody? | ||
| And you're like, yeah, whatever, man. | ||
| I'm like, you don't know. | ||
| What did I say? | ||
| I don't trust you. | ||
| What the fuck did you just say? | ||
| A secret? | ||
| What? | ||
| Say it again? | ||
| He had a secret. | ||
| I don't know what I said. | ||
| He said I had a secret. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who did you start telling? | |
| I shared secrets with you. | ||
| Immediately, you tell everyone. | ||
| He told me a secret one time before last Sober October. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| And he goes, don't tell anyone. | ||
| And within 12 hours, I told the secret. | ||
| Why did you tell it? | ||
| I don't even know that I told it. | ||
| I don't remember that I did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's all right. | |
| You don't care about it. | ||
| No, that's not important to me. | ||
| It's not a real secret. | ||
| It's not a real secret. | ||
| You told me a secret the other day. | ||
| I'm not going to say who by. | ||
| I have more honor than you. | ||
| I've told you and Joe more secrets than anyone. | ||
| Should you not be about to tell me this? | ||
| Because it seems like someone's secret. | ||
| You're like, I get what you're saying. | ||
| I'm going to say it anyway. | ||
| He did say that. | ||
| He goes, maybe you should never tell anyone what you're about to say. | ||
| I want to hear about it. | ||
| As a nosy Jew, I want to hear about it. | ||
| But just from your point of view, for a second, it seems like you're worried about telling this guy's secret. | ||
| You being able to say nosy Jew is such a beautiful thing. | ||
| Because Because it lets everyone else say it? | ||
| We're nosy, bro. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| No one else in this room can say it. | ||
| We're nosy people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you can say it. | |
| But you have a free path. | ||
| A free pass. | ||
| To nosy Jew. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Nosy and Jew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can barely say it in reference. | |
| My nosy Jew friend already. | ||
| Me saying it, me saying you saying it can get me in trouble. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not quite the N word, but it is the J word. | |
| You know? | ||
| It's like blue in the My Zones points. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The N word is straight red. | |
| That's red. | ||
| What's chink? | ||
| Yellow. | ||
| That's my favorite. | ||
| Yellow. | ||
| My favorite N-word. | ||
| You understand what the fuck I just said? | ||
| Yellow. | ||
| It's a joke. | ||
| We're gonna be okay, folks. | ||
| It's gonna be Madison Square Garden, May 12th. | ||
| My favorite n-word argument is when like the old guy, the old white guy goes like, well, why can they say it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's an immediate green light that that guy's super racist that he's like, he's like, I don't get it. | |
| Give me an explanation. | ||
| Why do you want it? | ||
| Just stop saying it. | ||
| Why are you pretending you need that explained to you? | ||
| Do you know what's the most underlooked racist thing in this country? | ||
| It's Asians and Harvard. | ||
| Just like this past year. | ||
| They literally make it more difficult for Asians to get into Harvard than anyone else. | ||
| There's so many of them getting in. | ||
| What amazing super performers. | ||
| It'd be all Asian. | ||
| 23%! | ||
| Is that kind of racist? | ||
| It's kind of crazy. | ||
| Aren't they better? | ||
| They're much better! | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're much better! | |
| By the way, it is racist and you're crazy enough to let them in. | ||
| They're going to win. | ||
| They're going to win. | ||
| Do you remember when you were growing up where in my high school the standards that Asian families put on their Asian children was through the roof. | ||
| And by the way, We had a top 10 thing. | ||
| It was 80 to 90% Asian. | ||
| I literally grew up from 15 to 21 around a ton of Korean people. | ||
| Bert turned 53 last week. | ||
| Wow! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He looks great for 53. I was around a ton of Asian people. | |
| Their work ethic is insane. | ||
| Next level, bro. | ||
| Problem solved is different. | ||
| We went to a Korean grade school. | ||
| And George and Isla would have a hard time doing homework with Leanne. | ||
| And one time, one of the Korean moms goes, why don't you just switch up? | ||
| That's what we do. | ||
| We never do homework with our children. | ||
| Because our children won't give us what they need, but they'll give a stranger what they need. | ||
| The Korean moms were switching up and doing homework with us. | ||
| The moms were. | ||
| With different kids. | ||
| Dude, Asians are next level. | ||
| Next level. | ||
| Do you see a somatologist thing? | ||
| What? | ||
| Hasan Minhaj? | ||
| What the fuck did you just say? | ||
| Wait, what did you just say? | ||
| Can you play that back? | ||
| What did you just say? | ||
| Pull over, sir. | ||
| Might see driver's license. | ||
| You guys see? | ||
| I'm on my stuff. | ||
| I'm on my stuff. | ||
| Registration, proof of insurance. | ||
| Hasan Minhaj. | ||
| What did you just say? | ||
| Does this man work with you? | ||
| Is he a friend of yours? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why don't you know how to say his name? | |
| He's great, by the way. | ||
| What kind of party are you coming from? | ||
| Birthday party? | ||
| He's a great comic. | ||
| Hasan Minhaj. | ||
| Yeah, he's so funny. | ||
| I don't know if it's funny per se, but it's really good. | ||
| I haven't seen it either. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| His first thing is about... | ||
| Whatever, dude. | ||
| I'm fucking hammered. | ||
| I'm not going to try to talk like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You said, have you guys seen Hamar Lamaz? | |
| I'm already fucked up. | ||
| Have you guys seen Assalamualaikum? | ||
| I just want to go to surf. | ||
| I want to go to surf camp. | ||
| No, no surf camps. | ||
| Remember, we can't do any surfing until October 1st. | ||
| Okay, let me ask you guys a question. | ||
| This is what Nikki said. | ||
| I went on her show after this. | ||
| Nikki Grazer? | ||
| Yeah, she goes, what did you say? | ||
| It seems like these guys all decided that you're going to do something, and they called you, and you're like, what? | ||
| No. | ||
| Fuck all of you. | ||
| No. | ||
| What was the plan to go to Las Vegas? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| By the way, everything was set until your fucking ass got on the phone. | ||
| Everybody was in agreement. | ||
| Voice of reason. | ||
| Listen, I've been Ari's friend for a long time. | ||
| He straightens me out sometimes. | ||
| Do you realize right now you'd be on a Gulfstream fucking G450 with bird pain in the bill? | ||
| I turned to Ari for advice. | ||
| Guys, listen. | ||
| What's our reward though? | ||
| We should have a reward. | ||
| I owe something. | ||
| I owe something. | ||
| I got a belt out of this motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You do get a belt. | |
| We're going to present you with that belt in the moment. | ||
| Where's the belt? | ||
| We're going to get that in the moment. | ||
| It's over there on the stack of weed. | ||
| I would like to say. | ||
| Stack of weed? | ||
| It's the Pulp Fiction box of weed. | ||
| Go to my Instagram for more details. | ||
| Okay, actually, let's present the belt. | ||
| No, not the Pulp Fiction. | ||
| It's more like Creepshow. | ||
| Let's present the belt. | ||
| Werewolf that lives under the stairs. | ||
| Creepshow is the perfect analogy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| That's the goddamn crate. | ||
| That's the crate of Creepshow. | ||
| Goddammit, I wanted this belt so bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ladies and gentlemen, be one of three people to present this belt. | |
| Thank you very much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This was fucking crazy, by the way. | |
| The fact that we actually did this was nuts. | ||
| Nuts. | ||
| And I would like to say, on behalf of me, one of the three non-winners, I won't say losers, of the Sober October Fitness Challenge, Joe Rogan, much like Jesus before him, Where there was nothing and then there was winning. | ||
| Joe Rogan, you have achieved. | ||
| Champion of Sober October Physical Challenge. | ||
| I, Ari Shaffir, present to you, Joe Rogan. | ||
| This belt saying, you are the champion of Sober October. | ||
| Thank you, Ari. | ||
| I just want to stay, for the record, I was most impressed by you, and that if you had been exercising as long as I, I probably would have died trying to defeat you. | ||
| Great job, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Tom Segura. | ||
| Yes, sir. | ||
| I was very impressed. | ||
| Come on over. | ||
| Help me present the belt. | ||
| Well, look, it's already on. | ||
| I'll just say this. | ||
| Joe, you showed us definitely what time it was. | ||
| It was all about second place. | ||
| And Ari, you definitely got that. | ||
| So congratulations to you, Ari. | ||
| But Joe, you're in better... | ||
| Here's a huge shocker. | ||
| You're in better shape than the three of us. | ||
| I think that had a factor that was certainly a part of it. | ||
| How much energy you could put out. | ||
| We all put in though, man. | ||
| We all worked our ass off. | ||
| But it ultimately is about TRT. Is that tight enough? | ||
| Or not even? | ||
| TRT? This is like an advertisement for TRT. At some point we're like, hey, it really does go to show you that steroids can help in athletic challenges. | ||
| This is why it's illegal. | ||
| They have chemicals now. | ||
| You've had doctors tell you, get on it? | ||
| Oh, 100%. | ||
| Yeah, I've had several. | ||
| There's a certain point you cross over as a person where you go, how much time do I have left? | ||
| Do I have 40 years left? | ||
| Do I have 50 years? | ||
| Wait, when did you first have that thought? | ||
| I mean, I know you can have it many times, but let's say when you took it seriously. | ||
| 30-something? | ||
| When I was in my 30s, I would see my body not responding as well. | ||
| And I was like, ooh, where's this going? | ||
| That was when I really started thinking about it. | ||
| About hormones? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Because I started seeing, like, I was working out really hard. | ||
| And as a boxing fan, I always knew when a really good boxer got into their 30s, you had to keep an eye on them. | ||
| They might sour instantly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They might get knocked out all of a sudden and they couldn't take a punch anymore. | ||
| There was this guy named Doug DeWitt. | ||
| He was like this badass middleweight. | ||
| He just could take a punch like nobody else, man. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Like this guy could just bang on the chin and people would be freaking out. | ||
| Like, how does this guy take punches like this? | ||
| And then one day he couldn't take them anymore. | ||
| It was a cumulative effect of all the punches landed, but it was also age. | ||
| Like, almost all of the great champions, they get into their 30s, and they just fall, like, they start to slide. | ||
| Were you freaked out? | ||
| I mean, at the, or, I don't know, how much did you question hormone replacement or anything like that? | ||
| Like, did you freak out about the thought of it? | ||
| No, I didn't freak out about it. | ||
| I just wanted to see, like, what do smart people who study that think? | ||
| Like, what do they think? | ||
| And they were all... | ||
| How was it? | ||
| They were all like, there's a bunch of things you can do. | ||
| Like, this is like... | ||
| And we talked about this when we were talking about... | ||
| If you've got a good doctor, they're not going to just put you on any kind of hormone replacement first. | ||
| The first thing they're going to do is exercise you. | ||
| They're going to check your blood. | ||
| They're going to check your vitamin levels. | ||
| They're going to ask you what you eat, how much do you sleep, how stressful is your life. | ||
| They're going to try to sort things out that way first. | ||
| That way your body is at a more optimum level. | ||
| And for a lot of people, that's all they need. | ||
| They just need more sleep. | ||
| Less sugar. | ||
| Less processed foods. | ||
| Do a little weight lifting. | ||
| Do some squats and dead lifts. | ||
| Things that boost your testosterone. | ||
| And maybe you're 34 but you're just tired after work. | ||
| And you can kick that shit back into gear. | ||
| Cut out the milkshakes and all the bullshit. | ||
| You could probably kick it into gear. | ||
| But then there's guys that are like 49, 50, 51, 57. And they're just fucking tired. | ||
| They're just tired. | ||
| And they go, here's your options. | ||
| You can keep being tired, or you can get your testosterone replaced, and you're not as tired anymore. | ||
| You feel like a person. | ||
| You feel like an actual person, not like a decaying person. | ||
| Because that's a lot of what makes you feel like a decaying person, is the body's lack of production of hormones. | ||
| And this is what's really important. | ||
| They think this is the case with a lot of people that have had head injuries. | ||
| They think this is a key factor in depression. | ||
| For people that have been in car accidents, people that have been beat up, people that have had a lot of head injuries, your body stops producing a lot of your hormones correctly because your pituitary gland gets damaged. | ||
| So for all those reasons, like, at a certain point in time, whether it's 50 or 60 or 70 or 80, you gotta, one, accept your mortality, and two, accept the idea that there are certain things that have been discovered scientifically that can enhance the time that you have left. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So you either, you either, like... | ||
| Dive into them and listen to science and experiment, trying to figure out what works best for you or you don't. | ||
| It's up to you. | ||
| This month was a real introspection into that. | ||
| Like watching, I literally was like, I was like, man... | ||
| I think my lifestyle, there's a lot of things I could fix before I added things, you know? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like get off blood pressure medicine and drink less. | ||
| That's huge, Bert. | ||
| All that stuff is huge. | ||
| A good ethical... | ||
| A really ethical doctor would go to that immediately. | ||
| That would be the first thing they would go to. | ||
| They would say, you gotta just fix that because, listen, you ran a fucking marathon, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| Yeah, it's not like you're a loser. | ||
| You're a fucking guy with an iron will. | ||
| You figured out a way to run a marathon with very little training, you know? | ||
| And then you did, what was that stupid Spartan race thing? | ||
| I shouldn't say stupid. | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| The Spartan race, yeah. | ||
| Running around throwing fucking sandbags and shit. | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you do a lot of shit, man. | ||
| I like those things. | ||
| I think I'm very goal-oriented. | ||
| Like, if I set a goal and I do go, oh, I got that coming up, I think it helps me. | ||
| I'm not the kind of person that you just kind of float in the water and not know what I'm doing. | ||
| I think it helps everybody. | ||
| We're just unnerved by the expectations of any kind of challenges that we subscribe to. | ||
| We just decide, okay, we're all going to agree. | ||
| The whole month of October, we're just going to go crazy and do cardio five hours a fucking day and try to kill each other. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You kept pushing against each other. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| If everyone just did 100 a day, I could have done 110 in one. | ||
| Surfing. | ||
| Surfing is going to make us so much fun. | ||
| Surfing would be really Did you discover anything through your sobriety? | ||
| No. | ||
| Here's what I discovered. | ||
| The sobriety thing is good. | ||
| It's good to clean out the pipes, but what's more important is understanding how different everything feels when you work out for four hours or whatever it was, the average day. | ||
| If you looked at the whole month, I probably worked out four hours every day. | ||
| I mean, I probably did. | ||
| There was a lot of five and a half hour days. | ||
| There was quite a few three hour sessions followed by three hour sessions at night. | ||
| You did a lot of weights also, which didn't give you much points, but gave you like fucking tons of time. | ||
| Well, for me, it wasn't even that. | ||
| It was like, I just have to mix it up or I'll go crazy. | ||
| Yeah, there were times at the end of a workout too where I'd be like, I don't care if it's not important. | ||
| I want to do fucking something else. | ||
| I want to do some weights. | ||
| It was a thing where I was in this weird high state, this weird post-long workout high state, and I just wanted to keep it going. | ||
| I just wanted to keep flowing and relaxing while I was lifting weights and doing kettlebell swings and shit. | ||
| I just wanted to do something else. | ||
| I wanted to do chin-ups. | ||
| I wanted to do something that was just moving my body, almost as if I was cooling it down after all that exercise. | ||
| It was bananas, man. | ||
| After it was over, I was like, what the fuck happened? | ||
| What did we do? | ||
| It was like we got possessed by a wizard's spell, and all of a sudden we're trying... | ||
| What did we do? | ||
| We hit 0.1% of all the people using this fucking thing. | ||
| I went down to that fucking gym, and I was like, hey, I want to sign up for whatever. | ||
| He goes, well, here are our things. | ||
| I'm like, I'm just going to start working out right now, so... | ||
| Log me in however you need to. | ||
| I'm just going to start working out. | ||
| I've got to keep doing this for a while. | ||
| But do you know how nuts it is that four middle-aged comedians hit 0.1%? | ||
| Three of them obese. | ||
| I'm obese according to all their ridiculous metrics. | ||
| Well, that is nuts that we worked that hard. | ||
| We worked so hard! | ||
| I can't believe it, man. | ||
| Dude, when I saw that thing of you running in the hills, saying that you were going to double me, that's all I needed. | ||
| Oh, you fucking idiots. | ||
| I was like, this is the day of death. | ||
| But don't you want to tug on the tiger's tail? | ||
| Do you want to tug on the dog's tail? | ||
| This is the day of death! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, we're going to go down the dark road, Bert Kreischer. | |
| So there was a thing, there was a thing. | ||
| When Tommy comes back, you've got to play the Nicky Glazer clip. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| I guarantee you it's on my Instagram. | ||
| It helped me to have you around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When Tom got 600, dude, so me and Bert, when he got sick, it was like, okay, cool, he's done. | ||
| We both separate ourselves from him by about 700. And then we're like... | ||
| Hey, we talked. | ||
| We were like, looks like Tom's out, pretty much. | ||
| We were like, looks like Tom's out. | ||
| It was like, yeah, that's cool, so we're not coming last. | ||
| Because that was a big fear. | ||
| And then you said, you're like, yeah, I'm still going to try to beat you, though. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, I mean, good luck, but you're not going to fucking do it. | ||
| And it was just like, oh, okay, we're still going to go on. | ||
| It's still going to go on with the fucking challenge. | ||
| Dude, I have to pay more compliments than anything in this because Ari Shafir, you really changed my perspective of working out, like of going the way I go. | ||
| If I get in a spin class and they go, alright, stay out of the saddle and you're paddling, I go, Ari would be still out right now. | ||
| Like, that's the way your brain works. | ||
| It's different, man. | ||
| It's a brain function. | ||
| I surprised you guys with yoga, too. | ||
| They're like, you guys do all the poses? | ||
| I'm like, yeah, I do all the poses. | ||
| I'm on fucking fat legs. | ||
| Get my fucking feet around each other. | ||
| It's the way a person's brain works. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have fat legs. | |
| Can't do that shit. | ||
| Yeah, I just never do it normally. | ||
| I'll tell you, the reason why I knew- I thought you were dead last for sure. | ||
| Did you really think you were? | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure! | |
| I was already thinking, let's cheat. | ||
| Let's pay people to do workouts for me. | ||
| I knew two things were going on. | ||
| One, Tom had been exercising on a regular basis, and even though he might have carried a little bit of body fat, he's actually a fit, strong guy with a strong mind. | ||
| I also knew that Ari swept me one time. | ||
| That motherfucker. | ||
| I was on top of him. | ||
| I was a brown belt. | ||
| He's a white belt. | ||
| Once in a while. | ||
| Had me on my motherfucking back. | ||
| I was like, oh, bitch. | ||
| I thought it was over. | ||
| I honestly was mad at you guys when you were like, we're going to Vegas. | ||
| First class on the thing. | ||
| I was almost going to be like, just to ruin it for you. | ||
| I'm like, okay, cool. | ||
| Just write a check. | ||
| Tell me where to write the check right now. | ||
| I'm not doing your fucking stupid thing. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| Ari tried to kill me with his bare hands. | ||
| He was trying to kill me. | ||
| He was trying to choke my neck. | ||
| Can I just say? | ||
| I know, Ari. | ||
| Now that we've done this, and to reward ourselves, I say, why don't we do something that would be fun? | ||
| I love this idea already. | ||
| For all of us. | ||
| Surfing until someone dies. | ||
| No, I mean as a reward, going to Vegas at a boxing fight would be fun. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Watching any of you die surfing would be the most fun. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You have decreased the level of happiness I have with my life. | ||
| There's no doubt about it. | ||
| Any sort of metrics show you. | ||
| How much happier would you be if it was Bert dying? | ||
| Increase the level of happiness. | ||
| You can't deny that you are very proud of yourself for your performance this month. | ||
| Because in my opinion, and I'm being 100% objective, your performance was the most impressive. | ||
| It was surprising, for sure. | ||
| You didn't exercise at all. | ||
| At all. | ||
| I thought so, too. | ||
| I've never not exercised. | ||
| I've been exercising my whole life. | ||
| When I saw you, just all of a sudden... | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I appreciate that. | ||
| You did 479 points one day. | ||
| Yeah, I did a bunch. | ||
| Tom showed me a 630 or something, and I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| And when he caught right up, and I was like, oh, fuck, I was ready to coast. | ||
| Because I had already given up. | ||
| I saw a marathon one time where a guy went the wrong way. | ||
| He was in the lead, or neck and neck with the guy, went the wrong way. | ||
| Everyone had to say, no, no, no, you're going the wrong way. | ||
| This is the last, like, 300 meters. | ||
| And then he's like, oh, fuck, maybe a mile, you know? | ||
| And he had to, like, come all the way back and then try to catch up. | ||
| But that wasted space that late, and he started sprinting, and he sprinted right back to that other guy, who was already in first place. | ||
| Because he fucking dug down deep. | ||
| I was ready to coast, and then when you started winning, I was like, oh no, I'm done. | ||
| And then I was like, yeah, I can do this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I'm pretty high, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can I just say, though, instead of a boxing match, which I find boring, I'll be honest with you guys, I get it. | ||
| What do you like? | ||
| I get it why I understand where you come from. | ||
| Okay, what do you like? | ||
| Let's go see kickboxing. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kickboxing. | |
| Let's go see kickboxing. | ||
| Is that what you wanted to say? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's what you were leaning towards. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kickboxing. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Kickboxing. | ||
| Let's go see some Muay Thai. | ||
| We go to Chiang Mai, Thailand. | ||
| Oh, you want to go to Thailand? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And we go see some kickboxing. | ||
| We can have cigars. | ||
| We can be in anonymity. | ||
| We can just be regular people. | ||
| Go to Chiang Mai. | ||
| Go to a couple kickboxing fights. | ||
| Walk around in sandals for a few days and we're back in no time. | ||
| Leave on a Monday, we're back on a Friday. | ||
| What if I wear Uggs? | ||
| Yeah, man, I wanna wear fucking boots. | ||
| I'm into Uggs, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like this. | |
| We ate some Thai food. | ||
| We stayed out of Bangkok. | ||
| How long we staying? | ||
| Motherfucker works for Thai Airlines. | ||
| Leave and back in four or five days. | ||
| Four days tops. | ||
| I'm saying leave on a Monday, we're back on a Friday so you can go to your next... | ||
| You don't have to take off a gig if you don't want. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Go see some fights, have cigars, some Chang beer... | ||
| I like this idea a lot. | ||
| I really do like this idea. | ||
| Get drunk, walk around the streets. | ||
| Have a good time. | ||
| This is after surf week. | ||
| This is way before surf week. | ||
| Surf month, you mean. | ||
| We sound like rich kids planning out their summer. | ||
| It's going to be a fucking surf travel. | ||
| What is that called? | ||
| Do you think you'll be good at it? | ||
| Surf ride? | ||
| Surf safari? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I really don't know. | ||
| I've never done it. | ||
| When I first started doing yoga, I was amazed at how shitty I was at it. | ||
| I was surprised. | ||
| I didn't think I would be good at it, and I was worse at it than I thought. | ||
| At what? | ||
| Surfing? | ||
| No, yoga. | ||
| Yoga. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Clip with Nikki. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll take it. | |
| We haven't totally determined what the loser has to do. | ||
| Ari wants us to drink each other's piss. | ||
| He wants to drink your piss. | ||
| That's what Ari wants to do. | ||
| He's going to lose! | ||
| He might not lose. | ||
| Right now Tom Segura is in the bottom. | ||
| Tom Segura is at the bottom. | ||
| I think Tom... | ||
| I mean, you're obviously set to win this thing, but I think Tom's going to sneak up. | ||
| He's playing it down. | ||
| You looked at his wrist yesterday, you go, what's a thousand something? | ||
| Oh, that's nothing. | ||
| Just the calories he burned that day, a thousand? | ||
| Tom's sneaky. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people feel like that. | ||
| I really think he's going to do something on this. | ||
| He's going to be the one to beat. | ||
| You gotta realize, though, Bert ran a marathon. | ||
| He did run a marathon. | ||
| Yeah, he ran a marathon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is fun, I have to say. | |
| Any one of you could pull ahead. | ||
| Can we talk about what you did yesterday? | ||
| Yeah, I worked out for three hours and 20 minutes. | ||
| I'm trying to double everyone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm trying to break Bert's will. | ||
| That's what I'm really trying to do. | ||
| He talks all this Mickey Mantle Jean shit. | ||
| I'm like, motherfucker, I'm crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't understand? | |
| I will work out twice a day like that. | ||
| I will try to give you a fucking heart attack, you fat fuck. | ||
| You will, too. | ||
| You'll kill him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could kill him. | |
| I just don't know if he's gonna... | ||
| I don't know how long he's gonna keep it up. | ||
| Burt's very competitive up to a point. | ||
| Like with the weight loss challenge. | ||
| Tom stayed steady. | ||
| And Tom won in the end. | ||
| But Burt tried. | ||
| He tried to sprint towards the end. | ||
| But it was too little too late. | ||
| And Tom was talking shit the entire time. | ||
| Like, I know what you're gonna do. | ||
| You're gonna fuck off until the very end. | ||
| Then you're gonna try to catch up. | ||
| But it's gonna be too late. | ||
| And he was right. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Burt... | ||
| I don't know if Bert's will can be broken. | ||
| Has it been broken before? | ||
| It never has been. | ||
| Well, it's not his will. | ||
| It's the discipline aspect. | ||
| See, when you're dealing with an entire month, you have 31 days of having to get after it. | ||
| So how often do you get after it normally? | ||
| See, that's the thing. | ||
| The difference between me and Bert is I work out almost every day already. | ||
| So for me, it's just like those days off don't exist anymore. | ||
| So what I've decided to do on my days off is just do shit that I wouldn't normally do. | ||
| So I'll do the elliptical machine for two hours, or I'll do something else. | ||
| I'll do something else. | ||
| But the whole time I'm thinking, I'm going to break Bert. | ||
| I'm gonna break Burt. | ||
| You guys were talking about who you think about when you're really trying to get past that point where you're either you're kickboxing or even on an elliptical. | ||
| Sometimes you gotta get angry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you think of Burt. | ||
| Right now you're thinking of Burt. | ||
| I'm thinking of Burt. | ||
| Breaking Burt. | ||
| Breaking his will. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You guys are all addicts in different ways. | |
| And this is so interesting to watch because you're right. | ||
| You already work out a lot. | ||
| You're an extremely healthy guy, but you're now going to take it. | ||
| I can see the excitement on all of you to take this to just an excruciating level. | ||
| Because it gets obsessive and it gets fun. | ||
| But that's the thing. | ||
| I'm excited to talk to you at the beginning of this when you're still pumped up about it. | ||
| And it's like you get a high from working out for three and a half hours a day. | ||
| Seventeen days from now, I'm going to be a beaten man. | ||
| Yeah, you are. | ||
| You're not going to get a surge at the end when it gets close again, but 17 days, you're right. | ||
| That's not going to be a fun day for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| You know, did you ever see there's a really interesting doll that's like Kung Fu? | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| How do you feel now? | ||
| That's just hilarious, man. | ||
| Physically? | ||
| Do you feel like you broke me? | ||
| No. | ||
| He didn't break you. | ||
| Did you feel like you did your best? | ||
| You did your best. | ||
| We talked a lot of crazy shit. | ||
| Why did you talk shit, Bird? | ||
| I like talking shit. | ||
| That's who Bird is. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| It's good for everybody. | ||
| It's who Bird is, though. | ||
| There are guys who like to talk shit, and there's guys that don't like to talk shit. | ||
| Listen, I don't feel bad that you talk shit. | ||
| I'm happy that you talk shit. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| You should talk shit to yourself. | ||
| I didn't, but I didn't think that it would go where it went in terms of how much time every day I was working out. | ||
| I never thought it would really get to that. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| I thought in the beginning we would all just have some fun, work out an hour a day, and it would be competitive. | ||
| And see whose number was higher. | ||
| Yeah, it would be like real close. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no, no. | ||
| And everybody, I figured, Tommy and I, we talked about it. | ||
| We're like, everybody, the last week's going to sprint. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| I thought that was definitely going to happen. | ||
| Bert, then you made that video and I was like, damn. | ||
| Which video? | ||
| Which video? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| When you said you would double me, I was like, I'm going to take you. | ||
| That was the one with me and my dog. | ||
| No, there was another one before that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I talked to Rogan here and he was like, fucking Bert. | |
| Where do I put this belt? | ||
| He's got to come in last. | ||
| I was like, oh. | ||
| Wait, hold on, hold on. | ||
| You know for a fact that I made those videos out of love, right? | ||
| Oh, I understand. | ||
| But I didn't, listen, I believe that right now, but it doesn't help me to believe that back then. | ||
| You don't understand? | ||
| Yeah, you gotta be angry. | ||
| If you say something like that, even if you don't mean it, you said it, and I don't have to get mad at you, but I have to at least acknowledge there's a transference of energy. | ||
| Right now. | ||
| I don't want to call it anger. | ||
| It makes me want to make sure that you don't ever fucking win this thing. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're going to go down the dark road, bro. | |
| Wait, hold on. | ||
| We're going down the dark road, bro. | ||
| This is the difference. | ||
| Let's not forget about that. | ||
| This is the difference between high performers. | ||
| Wait, hold on. | ||
| Did you all recognize this? | ||
| I picked up on it pretty quickly. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| The Mickey Mantle gene. | ||
| Fuck that shit. | ||
| I knew we were done pretty quickly. | ||
| You knew what? | ||
| I knew we were done pretty quickly. | ||
| We were done. | ||
| I knew that when he was saying... | ||
| Even though I 100% understood his joke, that he's like, whatever Joe does, I'm going to do double of. | ||
| You fucked us. | ||
| You fucked us. | ||
| I knew that he would interpret that in a competitive way. | ||
| Like, he would use it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you serious right now? | |
| Hey, Joe, you should do your regular workout and see if you can still beat us. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Not negative. | ||
| Not negative. | ||
| Not like I don't like you or you don't like me. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| If you really say, I'm going to double everything Joe does, I'm like, you're Joe's not going to let that happen. | ||
| I realize that right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I realize that right now. | |
| Not only is it not going to happen, but you gave me... | ||
| I don't have to interpret it any further. | ||
| You gave him the win. | ||
| You gave me a thought in my head that you're going to try to do that. | ||
| His daughter is now calling the cable guy daddy because he's been gone so long working out. | ||
| I don't need... | ||
| She has no memory of him because you had to say, I'm going to double you. | ||
| Yeah, I knew that. | ||
| I don't need to know if you're being honest. | ||
| That's not necessary for me. | ||
| All I need to know... | ||
| I pushed that aside. | ||
| I need to know that you think that you are going to do that. | ||
| You think you're going to do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Even though you really know that he doesn't think he can do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| 100%. | ||
| But fuck him. | ||
| He can't allow it. | ||
| You can't allow it. | ||
| I'm not going to allow that. | ||
| I'm going to put some blinders on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You knew I wasn't meeting you. | |
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| You can't take a chance. | ||
| We're gonna go through the darkness. | ||
| Can I just say this? | ||
| That we all use Bert as a motivation. | ||
| Like, I don't want him to beat me. | ||
| Every single one of you use me. | ||
| But let's not get lost in this. | ||
| You gotta understand, I got... | ||
| Real, real serious anxiety. | ||
| When you got sick? | ||
| No. | ||
| When I realized I could recover. | ||
| When I realized I could recover. | ||
| If I got worse, I'd be like, I'm super sick. | ||
| But when I realized I was getting better, and I thought I might lose, I got real anxiety about it. | ||
| Yeah, I got super nervous. | ||
| You went the same as me, just don't come in last. | ||
| It's about losing to Bert. | ||
| Second would be nice, but third would be terrible. | ||
| What kills me is that, what? | ||
| You put a video out? | ||
| Was that what it was? | ||
| Or was it a Twitter post? | ||
| You fucking idiot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Early, it was like, where do I put the belt? | |
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Guys, guys, guys. | ||
| I want to just be very, very clear. | ||
| Very clear. | ||
| I did not enter this contest to lose. | ||
| I didn't think I was coming in. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Oh, what a gross fake boutique. | ||
| Was that now or before? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| And we also have a fitness aspect. | ||
| That's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm challenging those gentlemen in fitness, and I'm going to beat them at their own game. | |
| And it starts... | ||
| You're a good host. | ||
| We're getting a brand new Porsche. | ||
| Pete, what do we got here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We got a 1992 Porsche 911 RWB, hand-built by Nakai. | |
| Which one are you, Bert? | ||
| The guy who doesn't have any clothes on. | ||
| Flip-flops and shit. | ||
| I'll take it. | ||
| Dude, you should take that car. | ||
| You bought that Porsche? | ||
| Remember, watch my question. | ||
| That's so expensive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it? | |
| How much was it? | ||
| Delia hit me up and was like, did you buy it, man? | ||
| Congrats. | ||
| Dude, that's a dope car. | ||
| It's like $420,000, I think. | ||
| $420,000? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I did talk shit, though, bro. | ||
| Hey, hold on. | ||
| Hold on, for real. | ||
| You talk too much shit, Bert. | ||
| No, I won't stop ever, ever, ever in my life. | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| I'm one guy, I'm one guy. | ||
| I don't want you to. | ||
| I want you to be yourself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was fun, dude. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| I think what we're missing, though, is that all of us went to try to make sure you don't beat them. | ||
| But you... | ||
| Lost. | ||
| Yeah, but I lost on purpose. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Did Joey see you at the store that one day? | ||
| Did you hear about this? | ||
| When Joey was here on the podcast? | ||
| Yeah, he called me. | ||
| Was that you? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Dog. | ||
| No. | ||
| He called me and said, I did a video on Instagram stories. | ||
| I got recognized. | ||
| I didn't know the person. | ||
| They were like, Bert, and tried to tell me a story. | ||
| Joey saw it and then said that he caught me drinking in a parking lot. | ||
| But if you saw the stories, you'd know I wasn't drunk. | ||
| I was stone sober, but yeah. | ||
| He called me and told me. | ||
| He's like, I see you drinking, dog. | ||
| Let me tell you what I love about Joey Diaz. | ||
| He called and apologized. | ||
| I didn't notice it, but it got big online. | ||
| He said something on my podcast, but it was clearly joking. | ||
| He goes... | ||
| He's like, I don't know about Bert Kreischer. | ||
| He goes, I saw him walking on the street. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I waved at him. | |
| He didn't wave back. | ||
| Oh, I heard that. | ||
| I heard that. | ||
| 100% tongue-in-cheek. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You call Joey now. | ||
| Trust me on my children. | ||
| I would never lie to you about any one thing I did. | ||
| Listen, the last day when I hit you up and I was like, I'm for real out? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I swear on my children. | ||
| Dude... | ||
| I don't lie to my friends. | ||
| I believe you? | ||
| No one thinks you lie. | ||
| You believe me what? | ||
| You believe in what? | ||
| I believed him, and there was still a part of my brain that was like... | ||
| Make sure. | ||
| I would never do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a separate thought, though. | |
| It wasn't that I didn't think you were lying, but I still was like, my brain would not allow me... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know you did an extra workout. | ||
| You did an extra workout I watched. | ||
| I saw. | ||
| And I went, I can't believe you didn't believe me. | ||
| I believed you. | ||
| I believed you. | ||
| I was just like, you can't be so stupid. | ||
| To believe him fully. | ||
| Kind of. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was like, what if... | ||
| It wasn't that he was lying. | ||
| No, he sounded so sincere. | ||
| There were psychological games afoot. | ||
| It was games, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was games afoot. | |
| I like when Joe was like, wait, Ari, are you just saving up your points and not registering into the system so you can sandbag it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank God! | |
| Yes, idiot! | ||
| Yes, you fucking idiot! | ||
| What did you think I was doing? | ||
| Man, but I didn't know what to think. | ||
| When I spoke to you, I still believed you. | ||
| Georgia called that morning. | ||
| There's two... | ||
| I would never... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I will never make an excuse. | ||
| Georgia called that morning, and I just got out of spin class, and I was going for a 12-mile run. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| In my head, I was like, I'm set. | ||
| I'm putting clothes on. | ||
| Georgia texted and said, Daddy-daughter luncheon at... | ||
| or wherever she goes to school. | ||
| Georgia's telling... | ||
| Daddy daughter luncheon at like 11. And you need to be there at 9 to help set up. | ||
| And I was like, fuck. | ||
| And in my head, all I did was wantonly wanted Ari's life. | ||
| Where I didn't have any responsibility. | ||
| And I just was like, I was like, I texted everyone. | ||
| At that moment, I was like, I'm out. | ||
| I got softball practice and a luncheon. | ||
| And dude, in the middle of that luncheon, I was like, I could go for a run right now. | ||
| Like in my head. | ||
| Dude, this whole thing was psychotic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was. | |
| It made me psychotic. | ||
| Dude, honestly, I got to the point where I thought about your lives. | ||
| I was like, wait a minute. | ||
| I do have more fun at night, usually. | ||
| But daytime, I have no responsibility. | ||
| And this is a lot of effort for me to get to this place and do this time. | ||
| I don't know what you guys go through in order to feel, to take time away to do this. | ||
| Your life is very different. | ||
| Well, your kids are at school. | ||
| Kids are at school. | ||
| Okay, that makes sense. | ||
| Well, your kids are at school, you have this open amount of time from 7 a.m. | ||
| to 4 p.m. | ||
| or whatever it is after that if it's an unusual guest. | ||
| And I just schedule everything in there. | ||
| That's a lot of time, man. | ||
| Yeah, but I have that time, too. | ||
| This thing has been nice, Joe. | ||
| Not 7 a.m., though. | ||
| That's 10 hours, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a lot of time. | |
| Yeah, but you have a gym in your compound. | ||
| Dude, I was jealous. | ||
| Joe has a gym in his Porsche. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I can get here and get an hour in before a podcast. | ||
| No, you did it right, man. | ||
| But I never thought of it that... | ||
| I mean, I didn't build this thing so I could win a fitness challenge. | ||
| It worked. | ||
| Let's be honest here, just to entertain this thought for a second. | ||
| How much of a piece of shit would you feel like if right now you were in second place? | ||
| How upset would you be? | ||
| I was worried about Ari. | ||
| Were you really? | ||
| Were you really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I was worried about him sneaking up on it. | ||
| When I saw... | ||
| Yeah, because he's been like the 30th. | ||
| In the 30th. | ||
| When I said, no, the very last day, when he had a picture, he said, do you believe in miracles? | ||
| I'm like, this motherfucker's storing points. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's found a way to combine belts. | |
| He's found a way. | ||
| Do you believe America is just the last 300-point workout I put in? | ||
| You'd be fired up right now about this, right? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Well, I would laugh. | ||
| You would laugh. | ||
| I would have to be humble. | ||
| Because here's the deal. | ||
| If somebody beat me, I almost killed myself. | ||
| So if you beat me, what did you go through? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I respect all of us. | ||
| What was your end score? | ||
| What was your final score? | ||
| 11,000. | ||
| 11,000 something. | ||
| Isn't it crazy, too? | ||
| They let us know that you finished 324th, I think? | ||
| 324th in the world. | ||
| But that means of registered users, 323 other people crushed him, beat him. | ||
| There's one that definitely fucking must have lit you up. | ||
| What was the number one? | ||
| Do you know? | ||
| Like 19,000? | ||
| They wouldn't tell me. | ||
| They wouldn't tell you? | ||
| Why? | ||
| The MyZones guy said that a lot of these people are fitness instructors. | ||
| They're doing five, six, even seven Like eight classes a day. | ||
| Yeah, but they still did it. | ||
| There's some people out there that are in insane shape. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| People that make a living. | ||
| That is amazing. | ||
| Imagine teaching six spin classes a fucking day. | ||
| They don't do that. | ||
| They don't do that, though. | ||
| Not even the regular person does that. | ||
| But could they do it if they decided to go from gym to gym? | ||
| Maybe they'd have to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Who would stop them? | ||
| Who would say, is there like a... | ||
| You know how they used to have that thing with Oxycontins in Florida where you can get a subscription or prescription from one guy, they go down the road, get another guy. | ||
| Then they developed a database. | ||
| Do they have a database on that? | ||
| On spin classes? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I want to be a spin teacher so bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do they know? | |
| I'm spinning too much. | ||
| Yeah, these people are spinning their ass off. | ||
| They wear that chest strap and teach a hundred fucking spin classes a day. | ||
| Should we do one more cocktail? | ||
| Are we going to eat? | ||
| We've got to eat after this. | ||
| I'm fucking bombed. | ||
| I like to drink, but it's 620. We're good. | ||
| We're fine. | ||
| Yeah, we're good. | ||
| Are we going to dinner? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We've got plans, son. | |
| Wait, let's just all acknowledge... | ||
| I cannot drink for a month. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| When we started this whole thing, everyone thought I couldn't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, two years ago, I didn't think you could get through the month not to be a regular person. | |
| What do you think will happen to you on your tour next year? | ||
| Do you think it'll go well? | ||
| Jesus, I don't know. | ||
| I'm saying as far as your late night stuff? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, if you have a bus to go back to, maybe you'll not drink as much. | ||
| My drinking changed a lot. | ||
| It's been three days or whatever, but just in the things that would trigger me of like, I'm in an airport, I should have a cocktail. | ||
| I can totally fly sober. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I really don't know. | ||
| You know me. | ||
| I'll be really honest. | ||
| I party hard. | ||
| Listen, you clearly can take a month off. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| And... | ||
| You know, one of the things that I've been really wrestling with a lot lately, I had this guy Tyson Fury. | ||
| Do you know who he is? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| He used to be the heavyweight boxing champion of the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was about to fight the bronze bomber, right? | |
| Yes. | ||
| He's about to fight Deontay Wilder. | ||
| And I had him on the podcast. | ||
| He was talking about depression and all the shit that he went through. | ||
| And one of the things that he said is that what pulled him out of it was Deontay Wilder said that he was finished. | ||
| And he decided he was going to figure out a way to get back. | ||
| So he decided to just get his fucking shit together. | ||
| And start... | ||
| Competition! | ||
| Competition! | ||
| He won the World Heavyweight title, beat Vladimir Klitschko, and then went into a depression. | ||
| It's like, what now? | ||
| Just didn't know what the fuck to do. | ||
| It felt weird. | ||
| And this guy called him out years later. | ||
| Drinking, carrying on, getting fucking crazy. | ||
| And then this guy says he can never come back. | ||
| And he's like, oh really? | ||
| And then all of a sudden he decides to come back. | ||
| I proved this guy wrong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And now he's off medication. | ||
| He wasn't even on any medication. | ||
| They were trying to give him some shit. | ||
| He's a big fuck, right? | ||
| He's a 6'9". | ||
| Gigantic guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| But he said he's going to do it with goal setting. | ||
| He seemed happy and friendly and he lost like a shit ton of weight. | ||
| I think he lost like a hundred and... | ||
| Wasn't it like 150 pounds or something like that? | ||
| Wasn't it something crazy, Jamie? | ||
| Do you remember? | ||
| Spite's a big motivator. | ||
| It's a little bit of that, but it's also goal setting, man. | ||
| Goal setting, yeah. | ||
| This is the thing that he said that made me think about this month. | ||
| This month was weird. | ||
| When it was over, I was like, what the fuck happened? | ||
| Yeah, it was strange. | ||
| I'll tell you, man, that day that I ran the 12 miles. | ||
| 691 points? | ||
| 631 points? | ||
| Yeah, I forget what it was. | ||
| When you got that, it was like, fuck. | ||
| I really was like... | ||
| It's a backbreaker. | ||
| It really was a backbreaker. | ||
| I was like, I might be done. | ||
| That was a Sunday. | ||
| I got back in town Sunday. | ||
| All you got to was about... | ||
| You got about to even with me, but I was like, I might be done. | ||
| I thought that was Tom. | ||
| I thought that was Tom. | ||
| What he used to look like versus what he looks like now. | ||
| Isn't that incredible? | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| 135 pounds. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He was a great interview, man. | ||
| I like the way he talks. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| But yeah, Tom, what were you saying? | ||
| Just that I fucking, I thought the whole time I would see, I would look down, see how far I ran, and I'd be like, there's 400 points. | ||
| It's not enough points. | ||
| Just keep running, man. | ||
| Just keep running, keep running. | ||
| Spite. | ||
| Yeah, it's spite. | ||
| Spite, spite. | ||
| And also the fear. | ||
| Dude, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I wish everyone had poked at Joe a tad bit. | ||
| Because to feel, to feel, not only like... | ||
| I knew that was the wrong play. | ||
| No, why not? | ||
| Why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because we had a chance to beat him if he just did weights. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| You made him add cardio to weights. | ||
| Why play a game with Joe and not feel his fury? | ||
| The reason you play a game is to win. | ||
| You don't play to win. | ||
| Dude, I looked at it as a win-win situation. | ||
| What? | ||
| Ari's too smart. | ||
| Every word that comes out of his mouth I have to analyze. | ||
| There's not a part of you that wants to just like... | ||
| It's too slippery. | ||
| He starts talking to me, like, yeah, you should just try to, like, lift weights and see what your score is. | ||
| Yeah, exactly, to see what a regular score is. | ||
| I'm like a five-year-old. | ||
| You get in his head. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| That was light. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Oh, is that obvious? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm kidding. | |
| I don't even know you want to win. | ||
| Okay, Ari, I'll try it that way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I won't even try real hard. | |
| That's when I decided I was going to take you on some thousand point death runs. | ||
| We're empty here, bro. | ||
| Wait, are we done with booze? | ||
| Oh, we got a bunch of booze. | ||
| No, try this Blanton's. | ||
| Try this Blanton's. | ||
| Hey, is everyone as fucked up as I am? | ||
| I'm pretty fucked up. | ||
| Oh, yeah, we're pretty blasted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, dude. | |
| We're going to eat, right? | ||
| Yeah, we're going to eat. | ||
| Okay, nice, nice, nice. | ||
| Sure, son. | ||
| Wait, do you have a... | ||
| Nah, you didn't make a reservation, did you? | ||
| Oh, shit, alright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, bitch. | |
| I shit, alright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Damn, son. | ||
| I ain't pregnant. | ||
| Who asked? | ||
| Burt. | ||
| Burt did. | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| Also, by the way, notable for the podcast this year, Tom pointed out how Burt pledged those $10,000 to those kids. | ||
| Let's set this up. | ||
| Let's set it up correctly. | ||
| Let's set it up correctly. | ||
| Please, please. | ||
| What happened was this. | ||
| I, you and I were joking about a marathon and whatever. | ||
| Marathon versus skate marathon. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Then I booked, you mentioned, nothing of this ever again. | ||
| Joking. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Then I booked a movie. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Canceled in Australia again. | ||
| I went to Atlanta to shoot the movie. | ||
| He canceled Australia like the second time. | ||
| He doesn't care about them. | ||
| I mean, clearly he doesn't care about them. | ||
| He's canceled on us so much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He had one first class ticket to Australia. | |
| And now he's like, I'm not interested. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Twice in a row. | ||
| I love Australia. | ||
| I've been there many times. | ||
| Go put on your fucking Oakleys and kill yourselves. | ||
| Dog cunts. | ||
| Now, I... I went to shoot the movie. | ||
| While I'm in Atlanta shooting this movie, this fucking guy's like, I'm at the starting line. | ||
| Where's Tom? | ||
| He knows where I'm fucking at. | ||
| He's like, you're in Atlanta. | ||
| You're in Atlanta. | ||
| They changed the rules. | ||
| Yeah, he's like, but he's tweeting out, Tom's a no-show. | ||
| He's supposed to be here. | ||
| I didn't say that, you motherfucker. | ||
| You sure did. | ||
| No, the night before, I posted a video and said, hey guys, I'm sorry. | ||
| Tommy's not going to. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You said he was going to do something he never intended to do. | |
| You threw me up. | ||
| I didn't know you'd notice. | ||
| That's fake news. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Are we talking about fake news in this fucking room? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Here's what happened. | ||
| I called Bert. | ||
| I'm like, I'm getting a fucking lot of messages. | ||
| And it's all people that are like, you're quitting, you're welching on this bet. | ||
| And I go, you motherfucker. | ||
| Sucks to be called a welcher. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| He goes, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'm just fucking around. | ||
| He goes, hey, to make it up to you, if I finish this thing, I'll donate $10,000 to children's hospital. | ||
| No, I've never said that. | ||
| I've never said that in my entire life. | ||
| Joe, I've never said this in my entire life. | ||
| Wait, you heard him say that, though. | ||
| What did he say, Tommy? | ||
| He goes, I will donate... | ||
| He goes, and if I don't... | ||
| 10,000 American dollars? | ||
| And he cited Ari's father. | ||
| He goes, if I don't beat Ari's father's time, I'll donate 20,000. | ||
| By the way, my father just ran the Marine Corps Marathon again last Sunday at 81 years old. | ||
| 81. Mr. Shafir. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very good. | |
| That was great. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, I never said that. | ||
| I never said that. | ||
| Okay, so he said that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then he bailed on those kids. | ||
| Bailed on those kids. | ||
| Finished the marathon. | ||
| And you, I have to celebrate, you took it upon yourself. | ||
| Thanks, Tom. | ||
| To get the money that Ari pledged, or that Bert pledged to those sick kids. | ||
| You started Fat Bert Wants Sick Children to Die. | ||
| And you... | ||
| We're able to raise $11,270 for Children's Hospital of Los Angeles, I believe, right? | ||
| Yeah, LA Children's Hospital of Los Angeles, the GoFundMe.com slash EvilBurt. | ||
| Motherfuckers. | ||
| It was very successful, and during this month, we finally filled it out, and I was able to, because you called to my attention, Tom, Yes, I did. | ||
| Because you called it an injustice to my attention. | ||
| A lot of the kids died waiting for those... | ||
| For Burt's money. | ||
| Yeah, for Burt's money. | ||
| They actually, at the cemetery there, they have a Burt's kids plot. | ||
| And it's all kids that died under that time. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| And that's all wrong. | ||
| So we got the money for them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
None of this is real. | |
| None of this is real. | ||
| My mom asked me about it. | ||
| I was like, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she goes, can you tell Bert that he sucks? | |
| My mom asked me about it. | ||
| I was like, yeah. | ||
| And she goes, can you tell Bert that he sucks? | ||
| My Orthodox Jewish mom said, I think he sucks. | ||
| I was like, Mom, no, it's not like what you think. | ||
| She goes, tell him, I think he sucks. | ||
| How many times has your pops done this thing? | ||
| He said, he thinks without really thinking hard, 10 marathons, 3 Boston, and 7 Marine Corps. | ||
| Good for him, man. | ||
| I thought you were going to run it with him. | ||
| No, but he was... | ||
| By the way, when you mentioned that, I was looking at the numbers. | ||
| I was like, these are about to jump. | ||
| Ari just ran a marathon with his dad. | ||
| That's what I thought. | ||
| I really did. | ||
| I was like, he just did. | ||
| And I was looking at that screen like, this is about to jump to like 19,000. | ||
| I posted it. | ||
| I was like, the day me and my dad teamed up for 32 miles. | ||
| Because he was like, he texted about his dad and I was like... | ||
| Your dad did it. | ||
| Did you do it? | ||
| And it took me an hour to believe that you didn't do it. | ||
| Did you guys at any point wonder whether or not your body was going to hold up? | ||
| Towards the end, it wasn't holding up. | ||
| I could do like 30 minutes and I was like, I've got to slow down. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I never felt as weak as the last day at night. | ||
| I had spoken to you, I had spoken to you, and the last person I spoke to was Ari. | ||
| And he goes, if you're going to do it, will you just sync up? | ||
| So I'll know where you're at? | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| And then I go, I'm not doing 700 right now. | ||
| That's how much I space myself. | ||
| I flew, by the way. | ||
| I didn't tell you. | ||
| I traveled on the last day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| So I flew to the East Coast. | ||
| But still, when I got there, I was so exhausted that I was like, at first I was like, I'll do 500 points right now. | ||
| You asked me too, like, do you think I should work out? | ||
| I'm like, if I have, from my point of view, no. | ||
| But from your point of view, you should separate yourself a little more from Burt. | ||
| And exactly. | ||
| And then when I got to like 250, I actually, I go, could I go longer? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Could I get to Ari? | ||
| I just feel like I'm going to die right now. | ||
| You know, I feel almost sick. | ||
| So I was like, if I... Am I going to do another few hours until the cutoff? | ||
| I was like, there's no way I'm going to do it. | ||
| But wasn't there a part of it, and then I'll say, is that when you woke up in the morning, you were like... | ||
| This is unquestionable. | ||
| I can do this. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Every day we did this, there was a part of you that was like, I can work out one more time. | ||
| I can work out. | ||
| I did. | ||
| I really did honestly think I was out when I texted you. | ||
| You got sick. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, I'm out. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| When I did 43 points. | ||
| That made me so happy. | ||
| You have no idea. | ||
| I was done. | ||
| I gotta breathe. | ||
| Can I tell you last year that me and Bert, me and Tom, excuse me, like day one of Sober October was mostly about the sobriety and less about the yoga. | ||
| Tom and I were texting like, should we just drink the entire time and not tell them? | ||
| And we're both like, yeah, I don't think we either one of us fully trust each other not to round the other. | ||
| But it would have been like, let's just drink the whole time and then be like, yeah, we never even started that. | ||
| It would be funny. | ||
| Dude, I was terrified there would be one prank coming my way. | ||
| You know, when we were in the parking lot after yoga class, you were like, let's get blood tests. | ||
| Ferrari Day? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey, you freaked out. | ||
| I was like, really? | ||
| What was the story about... | ||
| You don't trust us? | ||
| Somebody said, wait, did you have to get... | ||
| Ren and Zizi wanted Ari to do... | ||
| I got a Lamborghini last year. | ||
| Yeah, you got a Lamborghini. | ||
| The best part... | ||
| I don't even know if we said this last year, but since I had told him because I ran into him the night before, the next day when we were going to the 15th class, my phone rings and it's Joe, and he goes, are you in a white Lamborghini? | ||
| And I go, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, yeah, you're right in front of me. | ||
| And he goes, since you told me you got a Lamborghini, I assumed that this fucking ridiculous Lamborghini was yours. | ||
| So then I pulled in, and we looked for a place to park, and he's like, nobody's going to fuck with this thing, man. | ||
| That's so dope! | ||
| It was so great. | ||
| The best part of this whole thing was a day after I had told Bert that it was a joke, he called me, and he goes... | ||
| I did look at motorcycles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I looked at motorcycles because I thought you got a treat. | |
| Dude, I'm still like that. | ||
| I want a treat, too. | ||
| I want a treat, too. | ||
| I want a treat. | ||
| I want a treat. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| I want a treat. | ||
| I want a treat. | ||
| Don't you want to drink? | ||
| Do you understand how crazy it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've rented a Lamborghini just so fuck would burn. | |
| Oh my god, it was great. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, I don't know. | ||
| You know who fucked? | ||
| You almost fucked it up. | ||
| Because you go, look at the registration. | ||
| You said that. | ||
| And I go, look at it. | ||
| I told you that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go, fucking look at it. | |
| Look at it. | ||
| We're doing yoga in the parking lot with Jordan dancing. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Look at that gross body I had that was so far better than either of yours. | ||
| So much better. | ||
| How long do you think you can surf? | ||
| No, but my girlfriend was like, with my body, she's like, oh. | ||
| How long do you think you can surf in a month? | ||
| Standing on a board. | ||
| Yeah, how much time? | ||
| Wow, that's a great question. | ||
| Over 31 days. | ||
| You have to catch long waves. | ||
| Even more so. | ||
| Your feet get tired. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| We always know that we end up knowing the running order. | ||
| There's no punishment. | ||
| I'm not trying to fucking run up on you, but there's no punishment this year, right? | ||
| For coming in last? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So next year it's the same thing. | ||
| I think there should be. | ||
| Wait, hold on, hold on. | ||
| I wanted to win. | ||
| You all wanted to win. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| The belt is pretty solid. | ||
| I'm just saying this. | ||
| I'm saying this. | ||
| We should do something to celebrate. | ||
| And I'm just saying. | ||
| Forget about winning and losing. | ||
| For someone who came in second, number one in non-asteryx, I would say... | ||
| Do you know what he just said to you? | ||
| Non-Asterix? | ||
| He said you do steroids? | ||
| I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do testosterone. | |
| I would say... | ||
| I should have a full Jose Canseco Wikipedia. | ||
| I would say that my vote should carry some extra weight. | ||
| And I'm saying, I would really like... | ||
| To go to Chiang Mai, Thailand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You really want to do this. | |
| To watch some fucking kickboxing. | ||
| He just wants to get away from America. | ||
| Absolutely, but I think it'd be a fun thing we can do where you would all enjoy your type of thing also. | ||
| We don't stay in a hostel. | ||
| We stay in a hotel, sure. | ||
| And just do that, smoke some cigars, get drunk on beer. | ||
| I think my vote as number two should carry a little weight, but please take some time and think about it. | ||
| But I'd like to do that. | ||
| I'd do something like that. | ||
| I have no problem with that either. | ||
| But wait, so does this year's loss count? | ||
| I owe everyone something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bert will at least pay for the first round of chains. | |
| How much piss do you think you can drink? | ||
| Drink that piss! | ||
| I gotta pee real bad. | ||
| Go pee, go pee. | ||
| No, no, I mean do pee right here for you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You'll drink it? | ||
| Bert? | ||
| Drink it! | ||
| Drink it! | ||
| Would you chug Ari's full kombucha of piss? | ||
| No, I'm not drinking a party of piss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Would you really piss in it? | |
| No, I'm not drinking piss, guys. | ||
| Let's agree. | ||
| No drinking piss. | ||
| No drinking piss. | ||
| Listen, I need to give a treat to the team. | ||
| I lost. | ||
| And I don't know what that treat will be, but it should be a treat. | ||
| You don't have to do shit, but here's the thing. | ||
| Let's just do it all. | ||
| I know that you guys say that. | ||
| Pay for the hotel in Chiang Mai. | ||
| It'll cost you $700 for four days for each one of us to have a room. | ||
| Or we can get a giant red place. | ||
| Whatever we decide to do, I'm going to definitely be a part of that treat that impresses you guys. | ||
| Let's do four round trip, first class tickets, and ten for fans that listen. | ||
| And then you buy those. | ||
| What about the dogs? | ||
| I'll tell you this right now. | ||
| If we do Madison Square Garden, I'll pay for the private jet to take us all to fucking New York. | ||
| This private jet aesthetic is troubling. | ||
| You guys are such trash. | ||
| You're such trash. | ||
| What a fucking horrible, wasteful thing to get. | ||
| What, what, what? | ||
| Yeah, book Madison Square Garden. | ||
| Alright, we'll book Madison Square Garden and I'll pay for the private jet together, sir. | ||
| Go drain your dragon, son. | ||
| I'll pay for the private jet together, sir. | ||
| I'll meet you guys at JFK. Honestly, just the three of us, how surprising was this month? | ||
| Hardcore. | ||
| For me, it was very, very surprising. | ||
| What was surprising to you, though? | ||
| Where it went. | ||
| It went so competitive. | ||
| It was so competitive. | ||
| Nobody ever separated themselves fully, except you. | ||
| But even with you, it was still like, I could maybe catch him if he stops. | ||
| Like, when you went on the hunting trip, when you said, I'm not going to be able to work out for the next five days, we were all like, oh, we got a chance to catch Rogan and pass him. | ||
| And then when you worked out on the trip, you're like, oh, that's where we were fucked. | ||
| But, like, it was surprising that we kept fighting the whole way. | ||
| It was unrelenting. | ||
| It wasn't anything I could relax. | ||
| No, never. | ||
| Because there was one time that I went to Vegas for the UFC. I took three days off. | ||
| And I came back and I was in last place. | ||
| And I was like, whoa. | ||
| And then, Bert, you helped me there, too, because you tweeted that. | ||
| Bert, you fucked up. | ||
| Tweeted that I was in last place, and you even posted the numbers on Instagram, and I was like, okay. | ||
| So that really motivated you? | ||
| 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stupid idiot. | |
| Here's why, silly boy. | ||
| I get motivated by everything that can be a motivator. | ||
| I don't let something not motivate me. | ||
| Why would I do that? | ||
| So you say anything. | ||
| I so do not know who you are. | ||
| If you say anything, I'm like, oh, okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay, no matter what you say, I never hear what you say and say, well, Bert's a great guy, and I know he's just joking around and doing this for publicity. | ||
| I'm like, I can do that later. | ||
| That doesn't help me right now. | ||
| Right now it helps me if you tell me that you're going to beat me. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, yeah, that's going to... | ||
| Okay, here we go! | ||
| I did a cruise at the beginning of this month with Bobby Kelly. | ||
| And I told him about this right when the whole thing started. | ||
| I'm looking at everyone's numbers for the first time. | ||
| And I said, yeah, Rogan's in it. | ||
| I'm taunting him. | ||
| And Bobby goes, why would you ever do that? | ||
| I go, he's Joe, man. | ||
| And he goes, no, I don't think you know Joe. | ||
| I go, no, I definitely know Joe. | ||
| He goes, never taunt him. | ||
| And then halfway through that cruise, I was like, I think I fucked up, man. | ||
| He told you. | ||
| He told you. | ||
| So stupid. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| It was a good month though. | ||
| It was a good month. | ||
| I went down to 175. First time in like 10 years. | ||
| Would it have been cooler if I had just been like super cunty and respectful? | ||
| Yeah, it would have been cooler if one of us could have won. | ||
| Dude, I like the fucking gameplay. | ||
| I like the Connor bullshit. | ||
| I'm like, talk shit, man. | ||
| Be as loud as you can be. | ||
| Dude, you came in last. | ||
| You gotta support my fucking Chiang Mai idea. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| You came in dead last. | ||
| You gotta support it. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| I was trying to go to Asia. | ||
| Joe, you like those kickboxing fights. | ||
| Loved them. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Listen, I even did some commentary for kickboxing in California. | ||
| Really? | ||
| For Muay Thai, yeah. | ||
| Way back before UFC. Before I ever did UFC commentary, I did commentary for Muay Thai. | ||
| Guys, we can ride motorbikes. | ||
| I can take you to some cool places. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, man. | |
| You're the only wild card, Tom. | ||
| Why am I the wild card? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You don't seem like you would go to a place. | ||
| I would go. | ||
| Really? | ||
| For a short-term trip? | ||
| Yeah, we're doing it. | ||
| March, April? | ||
| Yeah, Monday through Friday. | ||
| I'm free to go first. | ||
| How long do you guys think you can surf for? | ||
| In a whole month. | ||
| This is for our competition next year. | ||
| Hey, someone get Kelly Slater on the phone and let's find out how long it sounds respectful. | ||
| So I don't want to throw out big numbers right now, but I'm thinking four days. | ||
| Sebastian Inlet, God, what's up? | ||
| Let's talk. | ||
| Four days, bro. | ||
| Four days. | ||
| I don't think it's possible to stay in one of those things for too long. | ||
| Are you interested even in surfing? | ||
| No. | ||
| Never have been. | ||
| Scared of sharks. | ||
| That's why we go to Kelly Slater's wave pool. | ||
| That is the reason why Kelly Slater's wave pool. | ||
| And by the way, Joe, Joe. | ||
| Fucking terrifying. | ||
| How cool does this make this? | ||
| Joe hates all monsters. | ||
| Monsters are bad, right? | ||
| We can all go and surf together like we did with the hot yoga, but we're all trying to catch better waves. | ||
| Monsters are real. | ||
| We would have to enlist in Kelly Slater's surf camp for whatever the month is. | ||
| No, bro, bro, bro. | ||
| We got this. | ||
| We got this. | ||
| I like this. | ||
| You guys are idiots. | ||
| I can spend five days on a surf camp. | ||
| Don't you have lives? | ||
| No! | ||
| I do have a life, but to be honest, I like putting it aside every October. | ||
| Why are you guys so scared of doing my challenge to you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's your challenge? | |
| Get off social media. | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| Some of us gotta sell tickets for a Body Shots World Tour. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Yeah, Ari. | ||
| You know what you can do? | ||
| You can agree to stay off social media, and if you have anything you have to post about something, you send it to some sort of a manager. | ||
| Yeah, send it to an email. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They put it up for you. | |
| They put it up for you. | ||
| Do you do that thing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You send it to people to send it for you? | ||
| Email it, say, hey, send this tomorrow or send this today as soon as you can. | ||
| If it's after 10 p.m., wait until tomorrow. | ||
| It's a good move. | ||
| And then you don't check it? | ||
| It's not the only move. | ||
| It's not the only move. | ||
| But it's a good move. | ||
| I think it's not just a good move for us. | ||
| It's a good move for everybody. | ||
| Take yourself off that shit. | ||
| Limit the amount of variables you have to process. | ||
| Because if you don't, you won't process them correctly. | ||
| So you'll be dealing with a bunch of information and some of it you'll get right and some of it you'll get wrong. | ||
| But you never know what the real balance is because too much of it is coming... | ||
| At you all the time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| You can't stop and think for a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You love it. | ||
| I don't mind it. | ||
| I don't mind it. | ||
| Bert, this is your wheelhouse. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Dude, let me tell you something. | ||
| The same thing could be argued about podcasting. | ||
| People go, hey, we're talking too much. | ||
| We shouldn't be talking this much. | ||
| But it's something that our fans dig and I dig. | ||
| No, but that doesn't affect your own psyche. | ||
| It does. | ||
| This shit gets you in mind and you start getting angry about something no one else cares about. | ||
| You can very easily say, don't read comments, don't look at likes, don't look at any of that shit. | ||
| That could be argued. | ||
| Too many people dig it. | ||
| To walk away from it. | ||
| In my opinion. | ||
| And I know I dig it. | ||
| There's no need to walk away. | ||
| I think Ari's saying more like breaks. | ||
| Take a break. | ||
| If you guys could totally deal with a month off of all that shit. | ||
| You more than anybody. | ||
| And then you and then you. | ||
| Of just like not being on that. | ||
| Not letting it affect your opinion. | ||
| Just walk outside and view the world for what it is. | ||
| For a month it wouldn't kill you. | ||
| No I agree. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But. | |
| You could get your business shit part done. | ||
| Just by emailing saying, post this for me. | ||
| And then never looking at it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'd argue against it. | ||
| Well, you could do that. | ||
| No, I definitely could not. | ||
| And I don't want to. | ||
| That's different. | ||
| Dude, I dig listening to you talk to Kelly Slater. | ||
| That gives me joy. | ||
| You can go on podcasts. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You're talking about getting away from your fucking phone. | ||
| That's all of it. | ||
| How would I know Joe had Kelly Slater on? | ||
| We're talking about all of it. | ||
| He's talking about social media. | ||
| Yeah, but I would say probably the best way is to get a flip phone for a month. | ||
| Twitter. | ||
| Yeah, if you can get off all social media for a month, that would help you a lot. | ||
| There was never a moment where I thought that you guys were cheating. | ||
| Or you really didn't do 15 yoga classes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I always thought that. | |
| Oh, right. | ||
| No, I never thought that. | ||
| Or even this month. | ||
| It's like, you know, the worst case scenario would be somebody to be holding back where they weren't releasing information. | ||
| Yeah, negotiating the system! | ||
|
unidentified
|
But I had already prepared for that. | |
| You got so far ahead. | ||
| I wanted to save it for like seven days. | ||
| I couldn't trust that MyZone thing. | ||
| It said 13 hours. | ||
| Was it real 13 hours? | ||
| It lost a good 40 minutes one time. | ||
| I think you're looking at social media in a bad way. | ||
| Overall, it shifts your views to the negative. | ||
| There are some positives, but overall. | ||
| What you need to do is shift that and go, like, what are my positives? | ||
| What are my negatives? | ||
| It's the same as a podcast, man. | ||
| There's no difference in Instagram and a podcast. | ||
| There's no difference. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because it's information, man. | ||
| It's sharing cool shit. | ||
| No, but it's what you're looking at. | ||
| No, but I feel like sometimes you haven't been the fan that maybe the outsider has. | ||
| The person listening to this right now goes, dude, I like when you do Instagrams. | ||
| Like that Instagram you did about you eating drugs and smoking and drinking, it made me giggle. | ||
| Okay, but I can send it to my assistant to post for me. | ||
| We all agree. | ||
| But I don't have to be there looking at the responses minute by minute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| We're all agreeing on that. | ||
| You're saying get off your phone, get off social media, get off all of it. | ||
| Yeah, but he's only saying that because of the impulse to look at the responses and to engage. | ||
| No, I agree. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| To hear somebody going, like Joe List said he brought a response to something I did. | ||
| Maybe even that video. | ||
| He's going, oh, you should probably kill yourself. | ||
| And he said 168 likes. | ||
| A lot of likes for a comment. | ||
| And then he said some people are like, how dare you? | ||
| You don't know that guy. | ||
| And he's like, I'll just delete it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're having a good time. | |
| You're bringing it down because of responses. | ||
| On fucking Instagram. | ||
| Dude, that whole thing. | ||
| Dude, I have people that just block people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you know, there's a lot of disinterested folks out there. | |
| They just don't feel good, and they want you to feel shitty, too. | ||
| Even if they're right about some things, the way they address it is what the problem is. | ||
| They're blurting out and oozing anger in disproportionate amounts, and it affects everybody around them, and it affects all of us. | ||
| Yeah, there's that, and there's also just the amount of time. | ||
| Like, Tom, you saw when you said, like, let me just try to, like, wake my kids up before I check my internet or whatever. | ||
| Exactly, yeah. | ||
| Just the amount of time you're spending on it. | ||
| It's too much. | ||
| It might do you good to see what it's like for a month off it. | ||
| To where you're like, oh, I actually have a lot of time in my day. | ||
| It's overall positive to do it the way you're describing. | ||
| I do think that it definitely, for sure, plays a part in our business. | ||
| Yeah, you need it for certain things. | ||
| But you could do the thing where you go send it to somebody. | ||
| Yeah, let me find a way. | ||
| Every time I think, well, I need it for this. | ||
| Okay, but can I... Is there a way around that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Just when I see something, I make my life less happy. | ||
| Let me try to think about it at least. | ||
| There's something to that, but then there's also people that make your life happier. | ||
| There's a lot of really hilarious shit online. | ||
| Adam Greentree. | ||
| Adam Greentree, man. | ||
| Fuck everything you're saying right now. | ||
| I like watching his life. | ||
| I'm just... | ||
| Cam Newton, man. | ||
| He does those running videos next to the car, and I go, I gotta get out there and do something. | ||
| You mean Cameron Hayes or Cam Newton? | ||
| Goddammit, man. | ||
| Are you talking about the Panthers? | ||
| I'm fucking hammered. | ||
| The quarterback for the Panthers? | ||
| Cam Hayes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The fucking lead singer of Steel Panthers? | |
| Yeah, Cam Newton runs by his car with his hat. | ||
| What the fuck are you saying, Burt Chrysler? | ||
| I am fucking hammered, man. | ||
| Shout out to Cam, Ains. | ||
| Shout out to Cam, both Newton and Ains. | ||
| Holla. | ||
| Ains and Newton. | ||
| What's up, bruh? | ||
| I can't believe we did this much working out, you guys. | ||
| That's fucking nuts. | ||
| And think about how much more weight we're carrying than you. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I think with Bert was like, oh, Ari's heart rate must be going up because he doesn't work out. | ||
| It's like, yeah, could be. | ||
| It could also be that you're lifting 70 pounds more than me with every step you take. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a possibility to think about. | |
| This is my impression of Ari. | ||
| You guys are all correct. | ||
| You wrestle with Ari, he's going to try to kill you. | ||
| But we all did it. | ||
| Who do you think could tap out someone first? | ||
| And I have no training. | ||
| Well, Ari definitely has the most training in jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Yeah, if you could get on top of me, you could do something to me, but if I could stop you from doing that, I would for sure beat you. | ||
| Ari understands what's happening. | ||
| You wouldn't know what to defend. | ||
| I've seen him choke people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Do you think that's the case? | ||
| Dude, next year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Let's promote. | ||
| Let's go to Abu Dhabi and go to the fucking world. | ||
| Let's do the surf thing. | ||
| In my opinion, can I just say, we need to cut the surf contest in half. | ||
| We should do it six months from now. | ||
| Because you know Kelly Sater can get this lined up and the weather will be perfect. | ||
| When? | ||
| In six months from now. | ||
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| Kelly Slater, when we sucked so hard, we never surfed once. | ||
| No, he would not want anything to do with us. | ||
| Kelly Slater's doing this. | ||
| What the fuck are we getting? | ||
| Kelly Slater. | ||
| I know, I have no interest in this. | ||
| Let's do this. | ||
| Wait, let's do this surfing. | ||
| Oh, yes, you do. | ||
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| Kelly Slater. | ||
| On top of this, let's do... | ||
| Why would he help you, Bert? | ||
| He's busy! | ||
| Will you do one round? | ||
| One round. | ||
| Yep, yep, I'm in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| MMA, like UFC rules, fight against Ari. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I would never do that. | ||
| You said I'm down. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Listen, here's what we have to not do. | ||
| I want fun competition. | ||
| That is fun. | ||
| I would gouge your eyes out. | ||
| Listen, there can be no hitting, okay? | ||
| There can be no hitting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Here's the problem. | ||
| You can choke each other if you want to choke each other. | ||
| The problem with hitting is that shit is permanent. | ||
| The damage is real. | ||
| All right, fine. | ||
| Especially when you're in your 40s. | ||
| You don't want to be getting punched in the face by one of your best friends. | ||
| He knocks you unconscious. | ||
| We should do an olympiata. | ||
| How old did you turn for real? | ||
| Six months. | ||
| What, Jamie? | ||
| Combat jiu-jitsu. | ||
| No, don't hit each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm telling you. | |
| Bert, how old did you turn for real? | ||
|
unidentified
|
46. For real. | |
| How old for real? | ||
| Dog years! | ||
| For real. | ||
| No, for real. | ||
| Tell them the real age. | ||
| Wikipedia age. | ||
| No, what's the real age? | ||
| Tell them the real age. | ||
| I'm 46. When your brother was in the Vietnam War, was it hard at home? | ||
| Was it hard for everybody? | ||
| You're from real age though. | ||
| When Truman went on TV and said what he said, did your whole family freak out or no? | ||
| 51. Now, back when Kennedy was an assassin, did you know that it would be a big moment? | ||
| Oh, fake media, man. | ||
| Fake news. | ||
| You're 47 years old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm 46. I'm 46. 53 is amazing. | |
| I thought you were younger than me. | ||
| Joe said you were 41. I'm not 41. He's 85 years old. | ||
| You're 85? | ||
| I know this. | ||
| I'm not getting off my blood pressure medication. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to have a stroke. | |
| Why? | ||
| Don't have a stroke? | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| I'm going to stay on my blood pressure medication until the doctor says to get off it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Ask the doctor, is there a path off this? | ||
| Should I be going on? | ||
| I've got to lose weight. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| How much? | ||
| I'd probably have to get to 205. Fuck! | ||
| To get off my blood pressure medicine. | ||
| I think, right? | ||
| What are you on now? | ||
| 225? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I was 228 at the end of the contest. | ||
| I'm probably... | ||
| No joke, I'm probably 235, I'm guessing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can get down to 205. What were you at the end of the weight loss challenge? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't really remember, to be honest with you. | ||
| 222, I think? | ||
| Jamie, pull that up. | ||
| Less than that. | ||
| Tommy, what were you, buddy? | ||
| He was 213. No, no, no. | ||
| The final weigh-in score was 216 to like 219. The second day. | ||
| Wait, can I ask you right now, Tom? | ||
| What are you at right now? | ||
| Because you don't look like you've put it back on after the fucking U.S. sports. | ||
| Oh, are you being serious? | ||
| Okay, yeah, sure. | ||
| Whatever, whatever. | ||
| Wait, first of all, don't forget this. | ||
| Don't forget this. | ||
| The weigh-in was with a dramatic, for non-professionals, dramatic water cut. | ||
| Fuck yeah, man. | ||
| I know. | ||
| So we basically, you can throw on 10 pounds. | ||
| That's why I wanted two days in a row, not just one day. | ||
| I know, but you can throw on 10 pounds, essentially, to what we weighed in at as our real weight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Oh my god, this is so preposterous. | ||
| How fucking crazy. | ||
| Here's the thing we did last year or the year before with this challenge and with this one. | ||
| We didn't really take into account our own personal health. | ||
| Yeah, good point. | ||
| Never. | ||
| I'm gonna be really honest. | ||
| I had phantom pains in my kidneys. | ||
| I was worried. | ||
| On this one? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| The last day. | ||
| Like the last few days. | ||
| I did like somewhere in the range of 535 points. | ||
| You were worried if I'd be catching you? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| You're sneaky. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| You're sneaky. | ||
| That's respect, bro. | ||
| Slippery Jew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's respect. | |
| And even if you couldn't, I would think about that the same way I really thought Burt was actually trying to double me. | ||
| Same feeling. | ||
| I can't believe you really thought that. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| You don't understand. | ||
| I don't care if it's real. | ||
| Can't let it happen. | ||
| I don't care if it's real. | ||
| It's just you said it. | ||
| So even if you don't believe it, it doesn't matter. | ||
| It doesn't help me to think that you don't believe it. | ||
| I would love to use your brain every now and then. | ||
| It helps me to think that I believe it. | ||
| It helps me to think that you're trying to double my score. | ||
| And I'm like, we're going to the dark lands. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're going dark, Bert Kreischer. | ||
| But to answer your question, I think we put on our water weight, and I think I only gained a few pounds on top of that. | ||
| You have stayed almost entirely consistent. | ||
| That's a lie. | ||
| That's a hard lie. | ||
| No, I've seen him. | ||
| Wait, you think you're 216 right now? | ||
| No, if you listen to what I said... | ||
| That's what Joe said. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| What I said was, to be fair... | ||
| No, that's what Joe said. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| But what I said was that we probably gained 10 pounds back from the water cut. | ||
| I agree with that. | ||
| So 216 would put me at 226. I said I'd probably gain a few pounds on top of it. | ||
| I would say right now, if anything, you're 230. Just regular. | ||
| Listen, I love you. | ||
| You're an awesome person. | ||
| But the only reason why you're pushing back against this is because you're concerned that it's going to sweep back on you, having gained... | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| No. | ||
| It sweeps on me regardless. | ||
| It sweeps on me regardless. | ||
| Like a wave. | ||
| What's he doing? | ||
| At a beach. | ||
| He's gonna piss, man. | ||
| Leave him alone. | ||
| Family's in the Holocaust. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Social justice warrior Joe Rogan. | ||
| God, he's pissing in a cup. | ||
| The wave, like this, Bert, comes back. | ||
| Just remember that Bert came in last. | ||
| You can't tell people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can't give people motivation. | |
| You don't understand. | ||
| I don't need it to be real. | ||
| I heard it. | ||
| I'll decide it's real. | ||
| I'll just decide it's real. | ||
| That's what you have to understand. | ||
| Burt, you came in last! | ||
| Mickey Mantle Gene, you came in fucking last! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Mickey Mantle Gene for real. | ||
| Mickey Mantle Gene for real. | ||
| Mickey Mantle Gene and Frank Gene. | ||
| Tell him about Mickey Mantle Gene. | ||
| For real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For real. | |
| Hold on. | ||
| Shut the fuck up and listen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I think that Mickey Mantle Gene... | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| He didn't say anything yet. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| I want to say this to the Sandy Koufax Gene. | ||
| I want to say that the Mickey Mantle Gene... | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Is real. | ||
| Not because of this. | ||
| It's because the Mickey Mantle gene is that this crazy son of a bitch could go out Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday night till 3 in the morning with fucking, you know, 180,000 beers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then Sunday he'd be like, let's do a show. | |
| Fucking fine. | ||
| That's the Mickey Mantle gene. | ||
| True. | ||
| Not this shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a lot of piss. | ||
| I think he's confused about piss, what it tastes like when you're trying to choke it down. | ||
| You're going to drink that through his straw? | ||
| No, I'm not drinking that. | ||
| You don't chug it. | ||
| No, but Tom's right. | ||
| You got to swallow the ice cubes. | ||
| And that's all that we need to know. | ||
| That's all we need to know. | ||
| I did more workouts than you. | ||
| When doing the same workout as you was worth less points than you, that means I did far more workouts than you. | ||
| Bro. | ||
| He didn't work out at all for 10 years. | ||
| It's hard to fuck with that. | ||
| But I did the same workout as you, and then after doing the same workout with you, I was down 50 points when I started with you. | ||
| I think what we were missing is what Tom's saying, is that if we all had partied at the same level every night and then tried to work out... | ||
| Dude, you're definitely ahead on that. | ||
| You're definitely ahead on that. | ||
| Dude, the feeling that I got when the molly kicked in at fucking whatever time, Wednesday night, Halloween night, was just like, this is done. | ||
| Done. | ||
| It felt so good. | ||
| It felt so good. | ||
| I woke up the next morning. | ||
| My ankles hurt when I got out of bed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| My knees were hurt. | ||
| They were all stiff and sore. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| There was something going on with one of the muscles in my calf. | ||
| And I was walking. | ||
| I'd take a piss. | ||
| I was like, what happened? | ||
| What did we do? | ||
| When I was walking around with my kids on Halloween doing the trick-or-treating deal, I was thinking to myself, thank God it's over. | ||
| What were we doing? | ||
| We all went crazy. | ||
| I showed up at this comedy cellar and picked up my shirt, undid my thing, and Liz was like, what are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, I had to run here because I'm in this constant challenge with my friends, so I had to run. | |
| I crossed down to my comedy spot instead of just walking. | ||
| But wasn't it cool? | ||
| And she was like, what's wrong with you? | ||
| Other people go like, hey man, why are you going to the gym right now twice? | ||
| And then go, oh, I kind of liked it. | ||
| And I know I might be the only one, but I like that I'm in a fight with my friends. | ||
| And then going in and people going like, you got this Burt. | ||
| Show the music. | ||
| So many people knew about this. | ||
| By the way, all you dummies who said you got this, Bert, thank you. | ||
| He did not have it. | ||
| He actually had it less than anyone. | ||
| I was more angry about you people than for Bert to win. | ||
| I was like, oh, great. | ||
| I let down so many people. | ||
| You what? | ||
| I let down so many people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck those people. | |
| They're dreamers. | ||
| They're dreamers. | ||
| They're dreamers and they're schemers and they're scheming to lose. | ||
| They're dreamers and they believe in God. | ||
| The ones who cheered for you? | ||
| Dude, I would jog down a little canyon and I'd hear people in their truck. | ||
| You got this, Bert! | ||
| No, I got that. | ||
| Fuck Joe Rogan! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're wrong. | |
| You should have died in that fucking truck. | ||
| Dude, hold on one second. | ||
| My buddy Eric Ruiz can tell you I went hiking in Runyon Canyon and two guys were like, hey man, you got this, Bert. | ||
| And I was like, in my head, the competition was already over. | ||
| I was like, Joe's already beat me really bad, guys. | ||
| What did you think? | ||
| So what was the final? | ||
| The final is you got 11,000 something. | ||
| You got just over 9,000. | ||
| I got 10,016. | ||
| I went until I got right over 10,000. | ||
| He beat you just over 1,000 basically? | ||
| Yeah, so 1,100, 1,200, something like that. | ||
| But getting 10,000 to me was like another one where it's like, let's aim for a line. | ||
| I think I can get there. | ||
| That's a good line, man. | ||
| That's a good line. | ||
| 11,253. | ||
| Good for you, man. | ||
| Just to put that in perspective, Segura 9533. That's three workouts ahead of Tommy. | ||
| But the fact that we were amongst literally the tiniest percentage of all the people using these goddamn things. | ||
| Dude, me and Bert at a legit gym. | ||
| Where's Arlie? | ||
| The Snap Fitness in Shawnee, Kansas. | ||
| You were crushing it. | ||
| I came in first and third. | ||
| And you beat a fitness instructor who's giving classes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Killer. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| Killer and Shawnee. | ||
| All of us literally lost our fucking minds. | ||
| We lost our minds. | ||
| We went crazy. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| No, I like it too. | ||
| We're gonna surf next year. | ||
| I'm into surfing. | ||
| Listen, I'm gonna surf till you die. | ||
| You're all gonna die out there. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Bro, we can all come out with our own surf. | ||
| I'm gonna surf and cheat. | ||
| The stuff that keeps your ankle together just breaks. | ||
| Sharks are everywhere, dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sharks are everywhere. | |
| That stuff that keeps your ankle from moving around, that shit's just gonna break. | ||
| Tiger sharks. | ||
| How long are you gonna stay on that surfboard? | ||
| Nurse sharks. | ||
| How long? | ||
| Shout out to Kelly Slater. | ||
| How long you got in ya? | ||
| Kelly, be my coach! | ||
| Kelly's gonna pick me. | ||
| No way! | ||
| He was on my podcast! | ||
| Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. | ||
| Shane Dorian's a good friend of mine. | ||
| Sebastian Inlet, bro, don't forget. | ||
| Fuck both of you! | ||
| I'm going Brad Gorlack then. | ||
| Fine, fuck it. | ||
| Who's that guy? | ||
| Trust me, I'm a big fan of surfers. | ||
| I just can't surf. | ||
| That Joel Tudor guy. | ||
| That guy's a jiu-jitsu black belt. | ||
| Ari will be the master surfer. | ||
| Yeah, I actually think Kelly Slater is a pussy and I don't want she as my coach. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You're a fucking loser, bro. | ||
| You've never risen to the top of your potential. | ||
| I have no interest in you as a coach. | ||
| I have no interest in you as a coach. | ||
| I'm looking for success, not for what has been. | ||
| I'm looking for the top. | ||
| If you could help me, not this Kelly Slater garbage. | ||
| Don't be wrong! | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| He's tricking you. | ||
| I'm looking for the win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who wants to join on for what is today? | |
| Ari's like that guy that criticizes a girl's weight so that he can start dating her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He gets under her skin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| He's nagging, bro. | ||
| He's not negative. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Ah! | ||
| Kelly, don't fall for it, man. | ||
| Don't fall for it, bro. | ||
| Indian River County, what's up? | ||
| Let's hang out. | ||
| Kelly, go with one of these losers. | ||
| Fuck it, I'll take your brother. | ||
| Evan, what's up, brother? | ||
| If you really had to be honest, being scientific about it, how much time do you think you could spend on a surfboard in a day? | ||
| Okay, I got this. | ||
| I got this. | ||
| I got this. | ||
| Okay, go ahead. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| 31 days. | ||
| Easy. | ||
| In one month. | ||
| Think of 30. Even amount. | ||
| 31 days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If I did the math right and we did a work the system thing, definitely seven days. | ||
| Seven full days of it? | ||
| Seven full days. | ||
| 24 hours a day. | ||
| It would take a lot of work to get to different places. | ||
| Just so you know what you're talking about. | ||
| You're talking about six hours and about 15 minutes a day on the surfboard. | ||
| I'm wrong. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I'm just glad I'm here to do the math. | ||
| What did I say, seven? | ||
| You said seven days. | ||
| Four days. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Four days. | ||
| Why four days? | ||
| You're talking about a four? | ||
| I cut it in half. | ||
| I cut it in half. | ||
| He's right. | ||
| Because he's not doing six hours plus a day. | ||
| He hit you with some goddamn accounting logic and you panicked. | ||
| 96 hours? | ||
| Yeah, 96 hours in one month. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Hmm. | ||
| About almost four hours a day. | ||
| By the way, this is what I do is talk shit. | ||
| So, like, yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But there's no consequences for you talking shit. | ||
| Do you feel bad about that? | ||
| The only consequence is coming in last. | ||
| Put him in. | ||
| I have no problem putting him in. | ||
| Wait, is Bert buying dinner? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Does it feel weird? | ||
| I should buy dinner. | ||
| You should buy dinner. | ||
| You came in last. | ||
| I can't believe you came in last, man. | ||
| I'll... | ||
| Yeah, but that's what I do. | ||
| That's what I do. | ||
| I was so worried about coming in last. | ||
| I came in second. | ||
| Because you're afraid of consequences. | ||
| I like to live loud. | ||
| That's the difference between all of us. | ||
| Is that when we're in a liquor store in Atlanta and Prince starts playing, both of you fucking cunts hide in the corner until Bert makes it big. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then when Burtz makes it big, we all like to make it big. | |
| We all start dancing. | ||
| Tom never liked it big. | ||
| I was forced into making it big for a short amount of time. | ||
| You loved it big and you loved it big. | ||
| We all loved it big. | ||
| What did we love big? | ||
| What? | ||
| When we did the video when we were all partying in Atlanta and Prince came on. | ||
| But only you do that. | ||
| We did that because we're like, you seem to like this. | ||
| I'll let me join in for like 10 seconds of dance. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| I would never do that. | ||
| You need a guy like me in your life. | ||
| I need you in my life. | ||
| I need all of you in my life. | ||
| You definitely change the tone. | ||
| You really do change. | ||
| You do change the tone. | ||
| You change the party atmosphere. | ||
| I like to get loud. | ||
| I know that it does drive people nuts. | ||
| But with my friends, I trust it, that it'll be fun. | ||
| There's no mean-spiritedness in it. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I wanted that belt so fucking bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you were never going to get it, though, right? | |
| Next year is surfing, man. | ||
| Can I try it on? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| You and Bobby, who's your coach? | ||
| No, I don't want it. | ||
| Who's your coach? | ||
| Billy. | ||
| Billy? | ||
| Billy Gardell? | ||
| Or Kelly? | ||
| Billy Gardell. | ||
| Billy Gardell's running coach. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wanted that belt so bad. | ||
| So did I, though, unfortunately. | ||
| Unfortunately, Joe got it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| Let's see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's so heavy. | |
| So much. | ||
| If you just could keep up there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It feels great. | |
| Do you think there was any point during the month where you had a pace that you think you could have kept up where you'd been, like, you know, hitting, like, those 500-point days, like, day after day after day after day. | ||
| A lot of it is what we already had planned for the month, right? | ||
| You know, if you had that cruise, I had this hunting trip, which fortunately ended fairly early. | ||
| But if you were just going somewhere, if you had somewhere that you had to go for 14 days and you couldn't get a workout in, you were fucked. | ||
| If I had just stayed home that whole trip, it would have been a very different contest. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I spent 10 days in LA without my gym. | ||
| No, I agree. | ||
| By the way, we all experience that. | ||
| We all experience that. | ||
| I'm not using that as an excuse. | ||
| I accept that. | ||
| I would have loved to have been not on a cruise. | ||
| Because I get seasick working out. | ||
| Also, you're with Fat Bobby Kelly as your motivation? | ||
| Just Bobby Kelly. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Sometimes that works. | ||
| No, I thought he wanted to go by that way. | ||
| Sometimes that shit works the other way. | ||
| Bobby did not work out. | ||
| You hung out for a week. | ||
| Wait, Fat Bobby Kelly did not work out? | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Me and him just smoked cigars. | ||
| And by the way, that was a hindrance in me is that I'd smoked a bunch of cigars. | ||
| And so then when I got back to Tampa for like one day to work out, dude, I was like, I was coughing up. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| I smoked cigars on my way home from the comedy cellar. | ||
| Seven nights of those that I was home, of the 20. And it worked out after I came home, smoked a cigar, changed, went to work out. | ||
| We're different people. | ||
| So, BS on you. | ||
| BS on you. | ||
| He's definitely a different person. | ||
| You have a different genetic makeup than the Mickey guy. | ||
| You know, some people are allergic to peanuts. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| I got the Kelly Slater regime. | ||
| I don't know how we did this. | ||
| That Conor McGregor regime. | ||
| We did it in a weird way. | ||
| This is how we did it. | ||
| We did it because we didn't plan on doing it. | ||
| We did not plan on doing it. | ||
| When Tommy pulled up this idea and we were like, what? | ||
| It's like, yeah, I wear a heart rate monitor and it's a fitness app. | ||
| And we're all like, okay. | ||
| We were just looking for something to do. | ||
| It's quantifiable. | ||
| We started out thinking it was going to be yoga again. | ||
| I remember that it was the fourth and all you guys were mad at me. | ||
| So mad. | ||
| And I was on the road. | ||
| What the fuck's up with these? | ||
| I don't get points for the red zone? | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| I was like, these fucking guys are so pissed about this. | ||
| We're mad at you. | ||
| We're mad at anybody. | ||
| This is like after 9-11. | ||
| We're like, attack them. | ||
| Like who? | ||
| Like anybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoever's broken. | |
| I didn't read into this stupid shit at all. | ||
| So when I got the app and I put the heart rate monitor on, I'm like, well, we'll just run to the death. | ||
| I was like, we're just going to run into the 90s as long as I can in the 90s. | ||
| I thought you were so upset when you found out you don't get more points for 90. It didn't make any sense. | ||
| I'm like, you get as much points for 80% of your max heart rate. | ||
| That's 97. Yeah, that didn't make any sense. | ||
| That should be quantifiable. | ||
| But Tommy nailed it. | ||
| He's like, that shit would probably be like, highly litigious. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| There's some lawyers over at my son that was like, you can't incentivize them. | ||
| Not even people have to go to danger. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Here's what's interesting about that, though. | ||
| And this has actually changed some of my opinions on training. | ||
| Because I've never done that, where I didn't just do a lot of, like, really, like, go all outs. | ||
| I did this little... | ||
| I even slowed down the pace that I run up the hills. | ||
| But when I would get on the heavy bag, when I would do kickboxing, I had way more endurance. | ||
| Like way more endurance. | ||
| And it was interesting. | ||
| I was like, this is crazy. | ||
| I maybe did, over the course of the entire month, maybe 10 kickboxing workouts. | ||
| But by the end of the month, the kickboxing endurance has gotten way higher. | ||
| It was all just from running, and from doing the elliptical machine, and from doing the rowing machine, and doing all that other shit. | ||
| All that other shit just It's not as exciting to do, but if you do it, it ramps up everything around you. | ||
| Running hills. | ||
| We've got to keep going. | ||
| We've got to do it once or twice a week. | ||
| We've got to keep going, right? | ||
| We have to keep going. | ||
| We'd be crazy not to keep working out a little bit. | ||
| Yes, it's so hard to get where we're at. | ||
| I was eating better. | ||
| You guys were too, right? | ||
| Where you started thinking like, oh, I don't want to eat sugar now because it's going to fuck over when I do this. | ||
| But here's the thing, and we should all talk about this, and maybe we should have a coach come on and talk to us about if we decide to do this again, what are our nutritional requirements? | ||
| Because I had one workout that was 4,700 calories. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| That's an insane amount of food. | ||
| You know what I never got from nutritionists and people like that, workout people? | ||
| It's like, legit workouts you can do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Not like, this is the best thing. | ||
| It's like, all right, all right. | ||
| But for my real life, I'm going to do it twice a week. | ||
| What can I really do and what do I got to eat a little bit more often that can help me? | ||
| Instead of like an all this diet. | ||
| We all talked about this is unsustainable. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| At this level? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's no way. | |
| It was my joints that I was unconcerned about. | ||
| What if I told you you had to do 11,000 points this month, November? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| What if I told you I could beat you? | ||
| I could do it. | ||
| You could do it. | ||
| No, I could do it. | ||
| What time is it? | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where are we at? | |
| No, you can do it now. | ||
| Your fucking brain is broken. | ||
| Yes, I could. | ||
| Fuck yeah, I could. | ||
| I did a thousand in a day. | ||
| You don't think I could do it? | ||
| No, not from here on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where are we on? | |
| We're in the fifth. | ||
| What's the bet? | ||
| What's the bet I'm in on this? | ||
| A thousand in a day? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the bet? | |
| Okay, if you get there, you suck my dick like you mean it. | ||
| But if you don't get there, you suck my dick like you don't care at all about it. | ||
| Give me... | ||
| What? | ||
| You could do it now? | ||
| You could do what you did before, minus five days? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| I took three days off. | ||
| No, I took four days off. | ||
| I took three and another day. | ||
| You don't think it would wear on you before you already did last month? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, hold on. | |
| Hold on one second. | ||
| Let's do the bet right now. | ||
| Let's do the bet right now. | ||
| We get one day next week. | ||
| Guys, I'm going to Europe. | ||
| Who makes the most points in a day? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Who do you think can get the most points in a day? | ||
| Well, who's gotten the most points in a day? | ||
| Rogan? | ||
| By the way, by the way, by the way. | ||
| Segura? | ||
| Nope, I'm in on this hardest. | ||
| Burt was second. | ||
| How many Burt got? | ||
| 740. Oh yeah. | ||
| I got last most in a day. | ||
| Do you think you could have got 260 more points? | ||
| I started losing a toenail. | ||
| It's the only reason I stopped. | ||
| I gotta be honest with you. | ||
| The 640-something, something I got on a one-off, I didn't ever sit down because I had some days where I definitely did. | ||
| Let's put a bet on next week. | ||
| I'm saying it's possible that I did more than that in one day with two workout days. | ||
| Outside of the shit-talking, which is always fun, here's what we should really think about. | ||
| We definitely got all of ourselves into a really Really good level of fitness. | ||
| Think about the shit we did. | ||
| You ran 12 miles, you ran 15 miles, and then you rode 5 kilometers. | ||
| You ran a shitload. | ||
| You got 700 fucking points in a day. | ||
| We went crazy, boys. | ||
| We went crazy. | ||
| We achieved some very bizarre level of performance over the month in comparison to the average person that wears these things. | ||
| It's very weird. | ||
| So it's not that we should pat each other on the back, but we should look at what we did and go, what happened? | ||
| That was possible, like Tom's saying. | ||
| That is possible. | ||
| So let's stop and think about that for a second. | ||
| That is possible. | ||
| Here's the other thing. | ||
| It happened and I feel great. | ||
| I feel good. | ||
| I look good. | ||
| I look in the mirror and I'm like, I like that. | ||
| Dude, when you were doing the rowing machine and I was getting video of you... | ||
| Rowing video is good, man. | ||
| It looked so... | ||
| Bro, I saw him naked on stage. | ||
| It's exactly right. | ||
| His dick has literally 100% outreach from his pubis. | ||
| Tom and I have a pushback. | ||
| Outstanding. | ||
| I thought, I really thought, I was like, this is a movie montage. | ||
| When I watched his fucking Instagram. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, what if Ari's like, I gotta change my life, I'm going for it. | ||
| Like, he's really buying into it. | ||
| Well, he was changing his life. | ||
| He really was going for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I know. | |
| We did that podcast, like, I gotta work out, man. | ||
| Can I work out your fucking stupid gym for an hour or two? | ||
| But look at him. | ||
| Dude, right at the end. | ||
| Right at the end. | ||
| It's a perfect... | ||
| Look at those abs. | ||
| Look at those abs. | ||
| It's a perfect pull on the abs. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They never look at it as much as they get like that. | ||
| We'll never have jabs like that. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| You're in the fucking yellow, son. | ||
| After the surf camp. | ||
| After chemo? | ||
| Surf camp, bro. | ||
| Surf camp. | ||
| We're going to beat them so bad. | ||
| We can't go to surf camp. | ||
| The rule is we don't do anything until October 1st. | ||
| Me and Tom versus Joe and Ari. | ||
| Damn, I like that body. | ||
| Look at that fucking thing. | ||
| You're jacked. | ||
| You're still jacked. | ||
| Weird nipples, but yeah. | ||
| A couple pounds of Mexican food. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Ah, a little Mexican. | ||
| It's a big deal, bro. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| It's not the thing, but here's a thing. | ||
| We pulled it off. | ||
| We pulled it off. | ||
| All of us did something we would have never expected. | ||
| If you asked me on our first workout. | ||
| Can you win a gym in Kansas? | ||
| No, for sure not. | ||
| You crush them. | ||
| Here's what's crazy. | ||
| If you think about the points, four points a minute is like hustling. | ||
| Did you see that tally? | ||
| What tally? | ||
| They send you an email of your monthly tally of all the info? | ||
| No, I haven't seen that. | ||
| Wait, I'll read you mine, which will give you perspective on yours. | ||
| You're right about in the middle. | ||
| Yeah, so hold on. | ||
| All the calories you burn, all that shit. | ||
| Oh, it's preposterous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But what's interesting is we didn't anticipate it at all. | ||
| We did not anticipate this. | ||
| I thought it would be like an hour or so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So 3,000... | |
| How many minutes? | ||
| So it says for the whole month. | ||
| First of all, it shows me the whole year leading up to October. | ||
| And then it says the 9538 MEPS, which is the measurement, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 3,726 minutes I worked. | ||
| How many hours is that? | ||
| Is it October recap? | ||
| How many hours is that divided by 60? | ||
| 60. What? | ||
| 60. 60 hours? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Wait, I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm sorry, start over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wasn't listening. | |
| Two hours a day. | ||
| He said he worked out 60 hours in a month. | ||
| Yeah, average effort 70% for the whole month. | ||
| Calories burned for the month 47,843. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And average heart rate was 131 BPM. Jamie, I'm gonna send you this because I sent it to these guys already about what pussies we are. | |
| Because there's a guy who went, he swam around the UK. That dude. | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| Here, read mine. | ||
| Pull that up. | ||
| This guy fucking swam around the UK. Wow. | ||
| He swam, he burnt a half a million calories. | ||
| This guy's crazy. | ||
| His tongue was falling apart? | ||
| I believe I was reading that, yeah, because he spent so much time on the wall. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| Oh my God! | ||
| His fucking tongue was falling apart, son. | ||
| And this guy swam around the UK. 157 days, swimming 12 hours a day. | ||
| This guy will be on the Rogan podcast in two weeks. | ||
| He can't talk, son. | ||
| He did good, man. | ||
| His tongue got eaten by barnacles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What? | ||
| Bert worked out. | ||
| This is Bert's recap. | ||
| He did 4,098 minutes of working out. | ||
| 66% effort. | ||
| Burned 46,258 calories. | ||
| Average heart rate, 120. You know what's brutal, man, is like a hard weightlifting workout. | ||
| Didn't give you jack shit. | ||
| Yeah, when you got to that, you're like, wait, this doesn't make any sense. | ||
| But that muscle expenditure is like way more severe. | ||
| Dude, I wrecked myself for 45 points one day. | ||
| I was like, ugh. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was different, too, when you got into running, like, legit running. | ||
| Because I would run 10 miles at night, and I would only get 200 points for it. | ||
| How'd you do that? | ||
| I'd just get up in the middle of the night and just run. | ||
| 10 miles for 200 points? | ||
| I know, yeah, because my heart rate wouldn't get over 130. Thank God for 24-hour gyms or your own weightlifting thing. | ||
| You'd kill it. | ||
| You were killing it there. | ||
| 24-hour gyms are interesting because you're dealing with psychos and, like... | ||
| Weirdos. | ||
| Tweakers, but every piece of equipment you get, or if you have your own place, obviously every time is your own place. | ||
| Or maybe wizards. | ||
| I can't believe you love that treadmill. | ||
| You might run into some person that's working out at 3 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| It's like a genius. | ||
| Could be. | ||
| Just can't handle people. | ||
| Could be. | ||
| Steve Simone said he worked at Gold's Gym for a while. | ||
| He did? | ||
| Yeah, the difference between 4 a.m. | ||
| to 6 a.m. | ||
| between the tweakers to slowly become the winners who are getting a pre-work workout. | ||
| It was such a quick shift of type of person coming in. | ||
| Where are we going to dinner? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you want to tell people on the internet? | |
| Oh yeah, it's live. | ||
| Should we wrap this shit up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Do you want to wrap it up? | ||
| Did we learn anything from this? | ||
| I think we learned what we're capable of. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go around the room. | |
| Start with Tommy Bunz. | ||
| What did you learn from this whole thing? | ||
| Bizarly, I think I confirmed that I love a competitive event. | ||
| Right! | ||
| It brings me closer to you guys. | ||
| I actually like you guys more. | ||
| Even though I already liked you before. | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| I feel like it makes me like you guys more because I'm like, it's kind of like that camaraderie of being on a team. | ||
| It feels like a team thing. | ||
| And yeah, I had that moment where I'm like, I'm capable of more than I thought I was capable of, which is like I'm saying, it's encouraging. | ||
| And then it kind of fucks with you too. | ||
| Ari, what did you learn? | ||
| I learned, one, that I actually am capable of working out. | ||
| I needed the competition to actually get to the gym. | ||
| Again, I said this in fucking January. | ||
| You really did kill that. | ||
| But I hadn't gone there until October. | ||
| I also learned how many people got into this. | ||
| It was nuts. | ||
| Yeah, it was a lot. | ||
| Nuts. | ||
| I went to a Jets game. | ||
| People were like, shouldn't you be working out? | ||
| And by the way, my favorite response is in one of these things, like How's Sober October going? | ||
| To any fan who walked by, I could just go, go fuck yourself, eat shit, kill yourself. | ||
| That's what you would say? | ||
| Yeah, all the time. | ||
| Hey, you enjoying being sober? | ||
| Why don't you go fucking kill yourself and your wife? | ||
| It was the best. | ||
| It went perfectly with it. | ||
| Like a fine wine. | ||
| Yeah, and I realized that I actually can work out a little bit. | ||
| Maybe I should work out a little bit. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| I did remember also on the 30th, the second to last day I was running, trying to get points, and a guy on a construction site was on a cell phone, and he did not look like somebody I would think would say anything to me. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then he turns, he goes, hey, buns, I'm pulling for you! | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he goes back on his phone. | |
| Ah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| So many people knew about it. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It was fucking fun. | ||
| At my kids' school, dads were coming up to me and saying, I'm doing Sober October 2. No shit. | ||
| Yeah, one more day, one more day. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What did you learn? | ||
| What do you feel like you learned? | ||
| The competitive drive was fascinating. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't anticipate getting that crazy. | ||
| I thought it was just going to be us having fun. | ||
| We would work out like last year. | ||
| Fifteen yoga classes is not that extraordinary. | ||
| It still is. | ||
| Every other day. | ||
| It did take us till the latter, for sure, the latter part of the month, right? | ||
| We all did 15 together at like the 28th. | ||
| What I learned something last year, though, honestly, that carried over this year, that I decided to do nine yoga classes in a row to finish off my session. | ||
| I had like a bunch of weeks. | ||
| I had like a week plus later to go. | ||
| Like, if I wanted to make it to the end of the month. | ||
| I just wanted to get the 15 in. | ||
| And so I decided to do nine in a row. | ||
| And when I realized somewhere around, like, number seven in a row, I was like, oh, you could just keep doing it. | ||
| Like, you think you need time off, but you don't really need time off. | ||
| You just need to keep doing it. | ||
| And maybe you'll slow down a little bit. | ||
| Maybe you won't have as much energy. | ||
| But if you just keep doing it, your body will eventually adapt. | ||
| But this is way more demanding, right? | ||
| But this is what happened with this too. | ||
| So what I realized last year by doing nine in a row, like your body just sort of adapts. | ||
| And then once I started doing like, I started ramping up the cardio sessions, and I was like, okay, if I just decide to get off now, I can get off now. | ||
| I can just stop now. | ||
| An hour and a half is a long time. | ||
| Yeah, you'd be like set. | ||
| Like, uh-huh, 300 points. | ||
| You know what's better? | ||
| Five hours is better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Let's see if we can do five hours. | ||
| Like we did an hour and a half. | ||
| We just got to do an hour and a half again. | ||
| Then we're almost there. | ||
| Then we're at three. | ||
| And then we do an hour and a half again. | ||
| Then we're at four and a half. | ||
| Then we're almost home. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keep going. | |
| That's what this is all about. | ||
| This is why psychos like Lance Armstrong win the Tour de France. | ||
| It's not just because of steroids. | ||
| It's because he's a fucking psycho. | ||
| The mental capacity. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| He's got a mind of a werewolf and he figures out a way to win. | ||
| I bet his daily workout right now, like whatever Lance does, today would fucking blow your mind. | ||
| Put a fucking my zones on that guy and it's over. | ||
| He's a super hyper competitive guy. | ||
| The mental part of this, not just to go do it, but actually go, you need to go. | ||
| You need to leave your apartment, your house, and you need to go over there. | ||
| I know you want to do this, but you've got to go do it now for a couple hours. | ||
| That part was like one of the hardest parts. | ||
| I would get anxiety in the morning. | ||
| What about you? | ||
| My alarm would go off, and I'd worry, I'd check your scores. | ||
| Check the scores. | ||
| What did you learn, Burt? | ||
| What did you learn, Burt? | ||
| Oh, I don't fucking know. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| No, I was asking you guys. | ||
| But what did you learn? | ||
| Something. | ||
| I learned... | ||
| I learned that I have a lot more in me than I ever thought I had. | ||
| I learned that Ari is a sneaky fuck with a lot more strength than I ever thought I imagined. | ||
| You got angry that they were sandbagging, you said. | ||
| I got angry a lot, yeah. | ||
| You didn't want anyone to do anything out of the fucking... | ||
| The same shit you got into, I got into too. | ||
| But just with you, I just thought it was a joke. | ||
| joke I didn't think you were really upset I was scared of you halfway through this what do you think Ari's gonna just sneak up on you? | ||
| you don't understand I didn't I didn't think you really believed you were going to double me. | ||
| I never thought that was real. | ||
| But I didn't have to. | ||
| I didn't have to. | ||
| I heard the words. | ||
| And so I decided to believe them. | ||
| Dude, I used to think... | ||
| Did you think I was going to beat you, Ari? | ||
| No, I never knew you would beat me. | ||
| You never what? | ||
| I never knew Tom would beat me. | ||
| Oh, me. | ||
| Did you think I would beat you? | ||
| No way. | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| I thought you were so out of shape. | ||
| I thought it was a misjudgment of the system. | ||
| And then when we went on a hike together, I was like, oh, fuck. | ||
| I was like, oh yeah, of course, someone that's 100 pounds lighter than me would be in better shape. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Thank you, 50 pounds. | ||
| But yes, yes. | ||
| But there's a lot I learned. | ||
| A lot I learned. | ||
| What did you learn? | ||
| I learned that I... Number one thing is that... | ||
| I need this camaraderie to better myself. | ||
| Like, when you get challenged by your friends and you have this fun fuckery that just happens every day, it points you into a place that's better for yourself, in my opinion. | ||
| It's also really fun for people listening. | ||
| I got a lot of people that came up to me and said, man, I wish I had friends like you guys. | ||
| Because you guys are so silly and stupid. | ||
| All of you, rather, are just goofing on each other constantly. | ||
| And everybody's laughing, howling. | ||
| And it gives everybody that's listening to this this bizarre sense of camaraderie. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| We got through this stupid fucking month where we're doing insane amount of exercise. | ||
| Insane amounts! | ||
| And then at the end of it, we're like, what the fuck? | ||
| We were talking about trying to win. | ||
| I called Burt one day and I was like, you know we're not athletes, right? | ||
| We're not at all trained for this. | ||
| I was like, we're not athletes, bro. | ||
| Tommy goes, we're just comics. | ||
| And I went, no, we're not, bro. | ||
| I was like, yes, no, it's time. | ||
| What would you have come into that Shawnee competition? | ||
| Would you have been second or third? | ||
| In the final scores? | ||
| You would have been head of killer. | ||
| That's crazy! | ||
| Legit places! | ||
| D1 athlete. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| And she probably teaches a gang of classes. | ||
| But also, she probably never gets out of the green. | ||
| She's probably in super shape. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She's probably doing it forever. | ||
| She'd probably bury all of us. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| What we did was, we just did a one month chaos run. | ||
| It was. | ||
| We all survived, but I think we should be careful about this. | ||
| Because there is really a potential to damage your body doing stuff like this. | ||
| It's really fun. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| But there's a weird potential for, like, when you hear about stuff like Rob Doe, and you're like, what? | ||
| What happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I disagree. | |
| I didn't even tell you about the... | ||
| Your potential for the positive is so much outweighs the potential for the negative that it's like, just do it. | ||
| I'm not saying that this is one of the big negatives, but I don't know how any of you guys did with cramps. | ||
| I had... | ||
| Unbelievable muscle cramps the last two of the last three nights. | ||
| Well, I planned for that. | ||
| So I took a lot of electrolytes. | ||
| I took more than I needed. | ||
| I added Himalayan salt and water. | ||
| And one of the things that I realized, when you add too much Himalayan salt to water, your body processes it like food. | ||
| So all that water comes right through your butthole. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like a runaway train. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like a semi with broken brakes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Is that when you were just shitting water? | ||
| It's 34 ounces of water coming flying out of your asshole at Mach 1. It's crazy, dude. | ||
| Your body, when you drink salt with water together, your body goes, oh, this is food. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Get it out of here. | ||
| Get it out. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| It just comes out like water. | ||
| My asshole's blown out for a lot of those workouts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| It was hard. | ||
| Look at the amount of time that all of us were pumping our legs. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It's just the fact that we got close to each other. | ||
| Well, all of us were preposterous. | ||
| Bert, you were all. | ||
| All of us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We were preposterous. | |
| I might have been the most preposterous. | ||
| No, we were preposterous in terms of a normal month of exercise. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| For basically everybody. | ||
| It's more than I've ever seen on one of those boards for 10 months. | ||
| I've never seen anything. | ||
| No, who the fuck's getting 11? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way, bro. | |
| Five digits. | ||
| Getting 11,000. | ||
| I've seen 7,000. | ||
| 7,000. | ||
| And that was like pretty nuts. | ||
| 11,000 is taking to a terrible place. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You've got to go to a terrible place to get to 11,000. | ||
| It was only because we were all sort of pushing each other. | ||
| Because we didn't want to lose to Burt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We didn't want to lose to Burt. | |
| Be honest with him. | ||
| He's right here! | ||
| When Tom got 600-something, it was like, fuck! | ||
| But then it was also like, wait, I can do at least that one day. | ||
| I got one more day in me of that. | ||
| That's the name of our show. | ||
| It's Beat Burt. | ||
| Tom, tell me what you and I talked about. | ||
| I was telling him on the 31st. | ||
| I was like, fuck. | ||
| I got this. | ||
| I just flew to Tampa. | ||
| I got the next day in. | ||
| So I didn't even tell you guys. | ||
| I didn't know how it was going to affect. | ||
| So I was like, all right. | ||
| Because we had a cutoff of 10 Eastern. | ||
| I just got to the hotel. | ||
| I checked in. | ||
| I go right to the gym. | ||
| And I was like, man, this has been a fucking motherfucker. | ||
| And I got to work out right now. | ||
| I didn't know how... | ||
| And I knew you were six, seven hundred points ahead of me. | ||
| I just started and I was like, I just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't lose to Bert right now. | |
| I was like, I can't. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| And I had major anxiety. | ||
| I didn't think like, oh, I would suck to lose to Bert. | ||
| I had like crippling anxiety about it. | ||
| And I was like, alright. | ||
| I just kept going. | ||
| And I had a few hundred points. | ||
| I was already at least... | ||
| I didn't know if you'd synced up. | ||
| So I was at least 300 and some ahead. | ||
| There's no sync. | ||
| The no sync was a real worry. | ||
| Yeah, syncing was a real worry. | ||
| We have to make rules if we do this ever again. | ||
| First of all, we gotta get blood checked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because I think there's a real concern. | ||
| If we say... | ||
| Oh, for doing drugs or alcohol, you mean? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I mean, Rob Doe. | ||
| I mean, people dying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, oh, oh. | |
| That's okay. | ||
| I think we should... | ||
| It would be cool to do this with doctors. | ||
| If we ever do anything like this again, I really think we should do it with doctors. | ||
| Because there was a point where I said, like, at the end, I was having, like, phantom pains. | ||
| I was like, am I okay? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It just felt... | ||
| The 31st was a bad day for me. | ||
| That travel day, that was a bad day. | ||
| That's what you called Joe. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| We talked to each other. | ||
| We're friends, bro. | ||
| Don't be jealous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
First, I worked out in the morning. | |
| By the way, you talk to everyone in here but me. | ||
| I talk to you. | ||
| You just don't call me. | ||
| Oh, you fucking liar. | ||
| I worked out in the morning and then flew to Tampa. | ||
| On the 31st. | ||
| On the 31st. | ||
| Landon went to the fucking gym. | ||
| I actually talked to you and then you. | ||
| And then an hour after you... | ||
| I spoke to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I was like, I see that I started 300 ahead of him, now I'm 200. 300 ahead of him means if you don't work out, he can catch you. | |
| Easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Very easy. | |
| So I tacked on 200 more. | ||
| Which means that you've got to work out. | ||
| 500 at least that I can see. | ||
| Yeah, which is two and a half hours to catch you. | ||
| But I didn't know, and I was like, what's up? | ||
| And I really believed him. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| I hear he was like chopping. | ||
| He's like, I'm cooking right now at the house. | ||
| Friends are over, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| He's like, I swear I'm done. | ||
| And I was like, all right, man. | ||
| And I hung up and I was like, I got to go for at least another 50 points. | ||
| I walked into a different room. | ||
| I said to you, I said, I swear on my children, I'm done. | ||
| I go, when I say I'm done, I'm done. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| And I go, we got friends over. | ||
| I had to go spend the day with Georgia with their thing. | ||
| I don't have time to work out and I'm not going to do it now. | ||
| I'm ready to get fucked up at midnight. | ||
| Well, what I knew too was that I was not going to go another 500 to catch me. | ||
| I was like that. | ||
| If you are going to go, can you please just tell me so I can actually take this dancing when I'm fucking out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Part of it was very nice when Georgia texted me. | ||
| I got back from spin class. | ||
| Georgia was at school and texted me and she goes, hey, I need you to do the daddy lunch in set up at nine. | ||
| And it was like eight o'clock. | ||
| And I looked at Leanne. | ||
| I was like, I'm done. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I got really angry. | ||
| She goes, honey, you lost. | ||
| She goes, you lost. | ||
| You lost. | ||
| Let go of it. | ||
| I was so competitive. | ||
| I was so competitive about it. | ||
| And I went, if I give it really hard today, I can definitely... | ||
| And she goes, just let go of it. | ||
| Be a dad. | ||
| And I couldn't let go of it. | ||
| I couldn't let go. | ||
| I had to go lay in bed and just go like... | ||
| I'm going to give myself 15 minutes to lay in bed and get my head straight. | ||
| Well, maybe we should consider this. | ||
| Maybe we should think that this competition is more of a time constraint issue and how much time you have. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| How much time you have is a lot of it. | ||
| It's not just being able to do it, but it's making time for it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It was super hard at times because you were like... | ||
| Social functions. | ||
| We were like, I want to be able to do this with my friends right now. | ||
| I can't go with working out. | ||
| But that doesn't matter because I know Joe's got two young kids and I would go, he's been there five hours, I'd go, fuck it. | ||
| He's got a podcast every day? | ||
| Yeah, the thing is I book my podcast whenever I want and what I did was I just scheduled a time where I could work out for at least four hours before I had to be at the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Yeah, you can come in here and do it until 20 minutes before a shower and be ready. | ||
| Sure, so if I had a noon podcast, my... | ||
| You know, the kids get up early. | ||
| I'm out of the house at 7. You know, at 7, I'm coming to the gym, or I'm going to, you know, work out in my yard, or I'm going to run the hills. | ||
| I run the hills a lot. | ||
| I want to run those hills with you and your dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, man. | |
| We got a bunch of different routes. | ||
| Oh, I did it once. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| I got a few different routes that I go. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Some of them are more steep. | ||
| One of them is way more severe in the beginning. | ||
| One of them starts out with a real heavy pitch. | ||
| It's a real steep, steep, steep beginning. | ||
| And then it gets harder and harder. | ||
| And in the end of it, you're running more of a downward slope to kind of cool down. | ||
| Those are fun sideways. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard, man. | ||
| There's something about running hills that I really think is like, it's a survival thing. | ||
| It's like, if you want to get away, what do you got to do? | ||
| You got to run. | ||
| You got to get your body out of there. | ||
| You can't get your body out of there. | ||
| You got to survive, motherfucker. | ||
| It's a scary thing, running those hills. | ||
| Run! | ||
| Run! | ||
| Hey, do you have a place that you could... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I'm pretty hammered. | ||
| No, I'm just saying run, run. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| You have a place where you can what? | ||
| Buy elk. | ||
| I'll give you some. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I got a lot of it. | ||
| No, I'm live elk. | ||
| This whole time, this whole month, I would look at your meals and I'd go... | ||
| I want to start eating elk. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Is there a place that someone listening right now can go buy? | ||
| I can't find a place to buy elk. | ||
| No, you can buy some of it from New Zealand. | ||
| They'll sell it from New Zealand. | ||
| But you can't buy North American game animals in North America. | ||
| I couldn't find it to save my life. | ||
| Yeah, that's because it's not for sale commercially. | ||
| They raise it in... | ||
| Hey, what's up, brother? | ||
| So lit. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| Let's go have dinner. | ||
| We're going to go have dinner. | ||
| They raise them in New Zealand, in particular. | ||
| New Zealand has a giant collection of... | ||
| I forgot this one thing about Sober October. | ||
| It's that thing you've said before. | ||
| I thought about it a couple times throughout the month. | ||
| Your inner bitch thing. | ||
| Conquer your inner bitch. | ||
| We talk about that day to quit. | ||
| But every day... | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| I didn't even consider an inner quit voice. | ||
| Every day I was like, these three fucking cocksuckers are doing it. | ||
| So I definitely have to. | ||
| And I was doing, for a lot of the month, a lot of the month, I was doing two a days. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I know. | ||
| So I'm saying, like, that's... | ||
| That was one of those things. | ||
| We're not athletes! | ||
| We're not athletes! | ||
| But the interesting thing to me was when you have friends involved, dude, the consideration of even, let's just lay here and chill, wasn't even a consideration. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, fucking goddamn, I know it's going to be working out. | ||
| I was just seeing Burt with that strap on, talking shit. | ||
| He was like, whatever a joke you do, I can double up on it. | ||
| I can't believe that's real! | ||
| Scream into the night. | ||
| Burt. | ||
| Bert, I want to get a bottle of Cab. | ||
| I want a Pinot Noir. | ||
| Let's get like bonin, ribeyes. | ||
| We're gonna do it up tonight. | ||
| Bro, I'm getting fat as fucked. | ||
| But here's the thing that Ari pointed out that I think is really important for us to honestly think about. | ||
| As human beings, we got to a very good state of fitness and we should really keep it. | ||
| We should really keep it. | ||
| We don't have to do this crazy, stupid fucking thing where we compare our points and we have a prize and a belt every month. | ||
| But it wouldn't be a bad idea if we stayed on this system or another system. | ||
| You know, just find out what's the best way. | ||
| Attainable and good for you. | ||
| And here's the thing that's really important. | ||
| I think it'll help other people too. | ||
| There's other people who go like, I want to beat Ari. | ||
| I want to beat Joe. | ||
| I want to beat Tom. | ||
| I want to beat Bert. | ||
| I want to beat these guys. | ||
| I want to be a part of this. | ||
| And then what they'll do, as long as we emphasize this idea of don't fucking kill yourself, because I don't know how close we got to killing ourselves, but we definitely got close to breaking ourselves. | ||
| You got close to it. | ||
| You got the closest, for sure. | ||
| Your body broke down. | ||
| Well, I don't know what was going on. | ||
| See, here's the thing. | ||
| If it was rhabdo, that shit's super serious. | ||
| But my urine was starting to turn darker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was like, okay. | |
| We didn't even talk about that you broke this bottle. | ||
| Yeah, I did break a bottle. | ||
| You sabered a bottle trying to open it. | ||
| I'm telling you, you should have seen some of my workout sessions. | ||
| They were confusing. | ||
| They were confusing. | ||
| It was like my whole brain had shifted over. | ||
| To this weird combat mode. | ||
| It was very strange. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| It was very strange, man. | ||
| It was very strange. | ||
| For all of us, I think. | ||
| I think all of us. | ||
| When I looked at Ari, when Ari hit 479 points in a day, I went, oh shit, this is war. | ||
| This is war. | ||
| It was going for him. | ||
| I was like, she's going for him. | ||
| Once I got through those first five, six days, I was like, wait. | ||
| I don't need Michelle. | ||
| I think I can actually do this. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| You were really gonna put that strap on her? | ||
| There was no question, and she had no question about keeping her quiet, and I trusted her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| So what would your plan have been? | ||
| Just give it to her all the time? | ||
| All the time? | ||
| Dude, she runs 13 miles a day. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That's what I run. | ||
| She's insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When would you have dropped it on us that you did that? | ||
| Never. | ||
| About a year later. | ||
| A year? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would have kept it if not during this podcast. | ||
| Or I might have said during this podcast, like, hey, guess what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yourselves. | |
| I cheated the whole time. | ||
| Would you have felt comfortable saying it only if you'd come in, let's say, second? | ||
| Or even if you had won? | ||
| Even if I had won, especially if I had won, and you guys had to pay for some fucking fancy trip that you guys all decided on that I had no interest in? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| I would have taken it gladly. | ||
| I would give my heart rate monitor to Cam Haynes. | ||
| And then I would make a separate account, a backup account for myself, and I'd try to beat you on my own. | ||
| A provisional ball. | ||
| But if I can't, Cam Haynes would definitely beat you, and then I'd be super humble about it. | ||
| But Cam Haynes did a great effort. | ||
| How about we do this next year? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would've given my strap to Bert, and I would've fucking shown you up. | |
| And say, all of you guys join up, and just fucking show your stats. | ||
| And we surf to the death. | ||
| I'm into this surfing thing. | ||
| I am too, because I don't know how to surf at all, and I've had two surfers on in a month. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I had Kelly Slater, and we had Shane Dorian on just a couple hours ago. | ||
| Dude, when they sit in the beach, and they push you, and you start actually surfing, it's fucking fun. | ||
| Dude, surfers have the best body in the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The best bodies! | |
| Wait a minute, are you guys going gay on me? | ||
| I will. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that Total Psycho's name? | |
| What's his name? | ||
| Kelly Slater. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| What's the big wave surfer in Maui? | ||
| Oh, fucking Laird Hamilton. | ||
| Have you not had him on? | ||
| Have you had him on? | ||
| No, I have not. | ||
| Dude, please get him on. | ||
| That dude is a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Laird Hamilton's doing a hot underwater workout thing. | ||
| Have you seen him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's a beast. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| They're all beasts. | ||
| Surfers are like a very unusual athlete. | ||
| They're wrestling with Mother Nature on a fucking foam board. | ||
| He gets dropped off of helicopters onto the weight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Dude, Laird Hamilton is next fucking level. | ||
| There's a lot of those guys out there. | ||
| There's so many really fucking powerful big wave surfers. | ||
| I want him on your podcast bad, man. | ||
| He'd be a great one. | ||
| And he's been doing that for like, yeah, Gabby Reese. | ||
| Gabby Reese went to Florida State. | ||
| Yeah, she did. | ||
| Volleyball. | ||
| The thing about surfing, too, is you also have monsters in the mix. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, sharks. | |
| Hey, hey, hey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| It's already hard. | ||
| Did you say that Kelly Slater didn't want to talk about sharks? | ||
| Like, I listened to the podcast, and he was like... | ||
| No, he was talking about it a little, but I didn't think he emphasized it, because I don't think he thinks it's that big of a deal. | ||
| He definitely, as a listener, he emphasized that they were there, that they are all there all the time, but he kept dodging it. | ||
| And I was like, man, it is one of those weird things where you look at a guy that spent that much time in the water and never had to deal with it, and then his friends have. | ||
| That's fucking insane, man. | ||
| Dude, sharks are fucking terrifying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That. | |
| Imagine, I mean, you have no control in their world. | ||
| You're agreeing to being, like, a movement-impaired entity in a struggling alien world. | ||
| Like, you can't figure out, you can barely get by if you're thrashing your arms and legs, and a shark could just wiggle up and slap! | ||
| Take a big chunk out of your leg and you're dead. | ||
| I was in the water with the great white open water. | ||
| Open water? | ||
| Open water, yeah. | ||
| Scuba? | ||
| Snorkel? | ||
| I didn't have a snorkel on, but I had a mask. | ||
| Just looking down at them? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I was in the water with it. | ||
| I was out of the cage and there was a great white. | ||
| Oh my god, Bert. | ||
| Dude, you can find this on... | ||
| I'm sure you can find this online, but... | ||
| It was, it was, all I knew is that it was the only animal I'd move with that had moved with that much intention. | ||
| Like everything they did was like, zoom, zoom, zoom. | ||
| Like the way you get attacked by a cat. | ||
| You ever been attacked by a cat and you're like, motherfucker, I can't stop it. | ||
| But dude, did you think at any point in time, like, this could be how I go? | ||
| I'm in the water with a shark? | ||
| No, I've been in the water with Grey Whites a couple times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| But no, no, no. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Grey Whites are overwhelming, man. | ||
| They really are. | ||
| If you went like that now, now it would be a fucking killer video. | ||
| Now. | ||
| All the shit I did before, I fought a lion, I fought bears. | ||
| You did it all. | ||
| But now, if I did that, that would go viral. | ||
| Do it now. | ||
| Don't listen to these guys. | ||
| I'm your friend. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| Do it now. | ||
| You don't want to do it. | ||
| You should do it now. | ||
| I just do stand-up now. | ||
| I just do stand-up comedy. | ||
| On the Body Shots World Tour, everyone. | ||
| New dates added. | ||
| January 10th until April 1st. | ||
| How does one find out about this? | ||
| Go to BurtBurtBurt.com, Joseph. | ||
| Wow, and are you international? | ||
| Are you going everywhere? | ||
| It's going international. | ||
| It's going through the UK, Scandinavia, Australia, New Zealand. | ||
| Those states haven't been released yet. | ||
| But man, I am so happy and so excited. | ||
| What's the website again? | ||
| BurtBurtBurt.com with ease. | ||
| And Tommy, you got some dates. | ||
| I have some dates too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| I'm doing a bunch of dates. | ||
| TomSegura.com. | ||
| That's what a pro sounds like. | ||
| This is what a new theater guy sounds like. | ||
| Ari Shafir, what you got booked? | ||
| Well, I got a Netflix special called Double Negative, as always. | ||
| Oh, shit, shit, son. | ||
| I'm doing a European tour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn! | |
| Break of it to Zurich. | ||
| Europa. | ||
| November 16th through December 9th. | ||
| Brussels, Copenhagen, Amsterdam, Berlin, tons of places. | ||
| Oslo. | ||
| Did you say Kampenhaven? | ||
| I did, Copenhagen. | ||
| Kampenhaven? | ||
| Kampenhaven. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The people there are like, did you say anything or not? | |
| Did you see it or not? | ||
| Let's go eat. | ||
| I got a lot of shit. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Are we really doing the stadium tour? | ||
| We should do it. | ||
| Let's do something big like that. | ||
| Let's do Madison Square Garden. | ||
| Yeah, we can do something like that. | ||
| If we have some break even, let's try it. | ||
| You know what else I think would be fun? | ||
| Let's do Red Rocks in Colorado. | ||
| That would be cool. | ||
| Here's the cool thing, though. | ||
| I got an offer from two years from now. | ||
| One of those, too. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm saying, like, that's how far... | ||
| All right, let's sign up for 20-fucking-21. | ||
| Let's weasel in. | ||
| We can do a bunch of shit. | ||
| Listen, we can have a lot of fun, especially, like, right now, like, where we only have to do 30 each. | ||
| Oh, let's do it. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| I'm in 100%. | ||
| Let's fucking do it. | ||
| I'm in 100%. | ||
| Let's have some fun. | ||
| I'll do it. | ||
| That would be cool to do that bigger place. | ||
| Gentlemen, all bullshit aside, this is a really, really fun month. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It made me really happy. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| The camaraderie was appreciated. | ||
| It was exciting. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| It was fun, but it was hard. | ||
| It was hard. | ||
| It was fucking hard, but it was also fun, and it felt good. | ||
| Even though I was like, fuck these guys, I'm going to kill these guys. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| I still was like, wow, I can't believe what everybody's doing. | ||
| Everybody was pushing so hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So hard. | |
| I would have never went as hard as I did if it wasn't for you guys. | ||
| There's not a chance in hell. | ||
| Not a chance in hell. | ||
| There's no way I would have gone that hard. | ||
| No. | ||
| I've never gone that hard in my life. | ||
| If you had to put any 31-day month in my life and you put out how much effort I put forth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God damn. | |
| That's as crazy as... | ||
| I probably would have been a better fighter if I trained that hard back when I was competing. | ||
| For fucking three non-athletes and one guy was running away from the memory of his father. | ||
| We are fucking... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| All of us. | ||
| Well, listen, we're all fucked up. | ||
| But what's important is we showed human potential. | ||
| We show its potential. | ||
| Yeah, we showed that whatever we thought we were capable of, we were capable of so much more. | ||
| Now the question is whether or not we should continue to put out that kind of effort. | ||
| I say no. | ||
| But I do say that we've reached a really healthy, powerful level of fitness. | ||
| We should definitely keep up some of it. | ||
| Yeah, we gotta try to do that. | ||
| But next year we should do something totally different. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Like, whether it's ballet dancing. | ||
| I like the surfing thing. | ||
| I love the surfing thing. | ||
| We should compete each other. | ||
| And Burt's gonna drink R.E.S.P. right now, right? | ||
| Burt is gonna drink R.E.S.P. You got kombucha bottle or... | ||
| Dancing with the Stars next year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mocha. | |
| Mocha. | ||
| Alright, BertBertBert.com, TomSegura.com, AriTheGreat.com, JoeRogan.com. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's a wrap. | ||
| Thanks, man. | ||
| We did it. | ||
| We will see you guys in 12 months. | ||
| Congratulations, champ. | ||
| Congratulations, everybody. | ||
| Congratulations, champ. | ||
| Let's go, champ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go, champ. |
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