Oct. 31, 2018 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:16:37
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Powerful young Tony and Cliff. | ||
| Hello. | ||
| I'm smelling this weed. | ||
| In 12 hours, I'll be free. | ||
| I'm excited for you, dude. | ||
| I didn't do shit for Sober October. | ||
| Did you stay drunk? | ||
| I didn't stay drunk. | ||
| I just had a drink or two pretty much every night. | ||
| Would you ever consider doing something like Sober October? | ||
| I mean, like, if, you know, if I was a part of it and, like, I got all that promotional push that everybody's giving themselves, hell yeah, for the business point. | ||
| That's the only reason why you do it? | ||
| That's the only reason I would do it. | ||
| I have no reason. | ||
| I'm in, you know, I'm in perfect shape. | ||
| Feel good about life. | ||
| Every day is good. | ||
| You know, I've been cutting back on things naturally. | ||
| Like, I'm done with my, like, college years of, you know, getting wasted at the store and things like that. | ||
| Like, it's like... | ||
| Well, you're also not smoking cigarettes anymore. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm off cigarettes, which helps a lot, by the way. | ||
| You know, I gotta say, for anybody out there that drinks and smokes, the two correlate. | ||
| You quit one, it's gonna help with the other big time. | ||
| I mean, I'm just saying, like, cutting back on smoking, because the two go so good together... | ||
| Yeah, you were finding that those pens weren't really helping you that much, huh? | ||
| The nicotine pens? | ||
| Oh yeah, no, I love them. | ||
| But did it help you quit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you were saying that it's not the same. | ||
| It's not the same. | ||
| I mean, when you love cigarettes, and both of my parents smoked. | ||
| My mom quit when she got pregnant with me, and then started again like a year later, and she would smoke in the little house that I grew up in. | ||
| It was just always, my whole life, I was built to be a cigarette smoker. | ||
| Those two were probably smoking ciggies while banging, making me. | ||
| I just love cigarettes. | ||
| I even still love the nice gust of secondhand smoke. | ||
| Now that I'm a non-smoker, it blows my mind hearing people all those years say, oh, cigarettes stink. | ||
| I fucking love it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, I just love it. | ||
| It just makes me feel good. | ||
| It's weird, and I know because it's pure poison. | ||
| It just goes to show what a dark lord I am. | ||
| Is that you or is that just cigarettes in general have a grip on people? | ||
| It's a dark grip. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| It's so crazy because what else gives you nothing and takes everything? | ||
| And still, it's just this is my favorite part of the day, favorite part of the night, after sex, during coffee. | ||
| They said that Johnny Carson, when he was on his deathbed, was just rotting out from the inside. | ||
| He was just falling apart. | ||
| He was like, those goddamn cigarettes! | ||
| Yeah, it's one of the main reasons why I actually quit, was reading about Johnny. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because it's sort of correlated. | ||
| I still go on runs every day, pretty much every day, short jogs and this and that to wake up and get the day started. | ||
| And there was a while there where I had a lot of like, Coughing up shit. | ||
| Not really coughing up shit, but it was sort of just like it was there. | ||
| And I'd have to clear my throat before going on stage, and it started to get... | ||
| It wasn't on stage, but it started to creep up during work hours. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Joey Diaz just murked a room, and I'm next, and he's bringing... | ||
| You guys ready for your next command? | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| It's like, oh, I gotta get my shit together. | ||
| Did you ever cough up anything black? | ||
| No. | ||
| I've talked to people that have hawked up shit and it was black. | ||
| And they spit it on the ground and they saw black. | ||
| Like a black loogie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, why did you quit immediately? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, no. | ||
| Six more years. | ||
| Yeah, but I read about Johnny and he was talking about, like, not only was that a major thing, like those damn cigarettes. | ||
| Like, he just kept repeating that on his deathbed. | ||
| But they also talk about, like, how... | ||
| He was swimming, which he loved to do, and he just couldn't do it anymore. | ||
| He was almost drowning all the time and stuff. | ||
| It was just like he was gone. | ||
| He just couldn't breathe. | ||
| That guy went through a rough patch. | ||
| Not just that. | ||
| Do you ever read the divorce settlements that Johnny Carson had to go through? | ||
| No. | ||
| He was one of the most famous divorce rapings where you just go, oh my god! | ||
| You find out how much he had to pay his ex-wife, you're like, oh Jesus! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no. | |
| He got taken. | ||
| Oh man. | ||
| Eddie Murphy had a bit about it. | ||
| Eddie Murphy had a bit about Johnny Carson's divorce in his act. | ||
| I think it was in Raw. | ||
| Did it on one of his specials? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It was that bad? | ||
| Geez. | ||
| This is on the National Enquirer, but it says $220,000 a month was not enough. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Carson's wife rejects settlement and asks $220,000 a month in living expenses. | ||
| $17 million is not enough, she said. | ||
| What year does that say at the top left? | ||
| 83 or 93. What did she look like? | ||
| She looks kind of hot there. | ||
| Like that dirty 40. That dirty 40 year old look. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| My goodness. | ||
| Back then that's like a million a month. | ||
| Closing on her. | ||
| That was the one he split up with? | ||
| He gives up fast life and is secretly seeing wife again. | ||
| Well, that's the Inquirer. | ||
| So that's the gal he was married to, that he had to give up 17 million bucks. | ||
| Oh, so he's married to her for a long time. | ||
| Well, how many times did he get married? | ||
| That seems like the same gal there. | ||
| World's most expensive divorce settlements. | ||
| Johnny Carson and Joanna Holland. | ||
| 20 million. | ||
| That ain't shit now. | ||
| We were going over some last night or yesterday on the podcast. | ||
| Steve Wynn gave up a billion. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Oh, what could she have possibly have done to earn that? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| There's nothing she could have done. | ||
| She had that voodoo pussy, son. | ||
| Unless she had all the ideas and he's just not admitting it. | ||
| You should start a casino. | ||
| Maybe I'll start a casino. | ||
| You should have craps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe I'll open up a craps table. | |
| Even then, how much is a consultation fee worth? | ||
| A billion. | ||
| Look at him, by the way. | ||
| He looks like he's wearing a mask. | ||
| He looks like it's Halloween 24-7. | ||
| Third divorce unlikely for Steve Wynn. | ||
| Poor guy. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| You think a guy... | ||
| These guys just keep going in. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| They're like, no, no, she's the one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| No, no, it's never gonna change. | ||
| Yeah, he's got it all figured out. | ||
| No, no, she's the one. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Yeah, it's a strange thing. | ||
| You know, it becomes humorous. | ||
| Like, Elizabeth Taylor, who was stunningly beautiful when she was young. | ||
| Did you ever see Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| It's a must-see. | ||
| It's a great, great old movie. | ||
| But Elizabeth Taylor was probably in her 20s, I guess, when she did that, and she was just so beautiful. | ||
| But as she got older, like, she was... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| See if you can see... | ||
| That's a pretty good picture of her, but if you see, like, her whole body and everything, I mean, she was just a bombshell. | ||
| And she was a bombshell in, you know, what was it, the 50s or something like that? | ||
| Like, that picture of her black and white on the second level... | ||
| Where you see her body? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a real body too, dude. | ||
| There ain't no gym time there. | ||
| That's just straight up genetics and whiskey. | ||
| Look at them. | ||
| Look at them legs. | ||
| That's just biology. | ||
| But then towards the end, I mean, she had been married and divorced. | ||
| Don't show the old pictures. | ||
| Don't show the old pictures! | ||
| Stop it, Jamie! | ||
| Google Elizabeth Taylor amount of times married. | ||
| Because I believe she was married... | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Yeah, I want to say like seven or eight times. | ||
| No fewer than eight times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She married a couple guys twice. | ||
| Eight marriages, only seven husbands. | ||
| She married Richard Burton twice. | ||
| She married a bunch of gay guys, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh. | |
| Bam. | ||
| Allegedly gay guys. | ||
| Her first marriage, one of the heirs of the hotelier... | ||
| That's a weird word. | ||
| Hotelier? | ||
| Hotelier. | ||
| Hotelier, is that how you say it? | ||
| Conrad Hilton. | ||
| Ended in divorce after less than a year. | ||
| Yeah, she was a wild woman. | ||
| Wild woman. | ||
| She got paid for all those. | ||
| That's its own business, right? | ||
| Well, she was rich as fuck. | ||
| You know, she was really successful as an actress, so she probably had the money in a lot of them. | ||
| Because she was dating some guys that looked suspiciously homosexual. | ||
| You know, like Liberace homosexual. | ||
| Like, wait, what? | ||
| She paid a million dollars to play Cleopatra in 1963. Yeah, a million bucks in 1963 is probably like 20 million bucks today. | ||
| Google that. | ||
| What is a million dollars in 1963 worth today? | ||
| That's crazy they paid her that much money. | ||
| Damn, whoever her agent is, dig that motherfucker up. | ||
| DollarTimes.com says it's worth $8.1 million. | ||
| $8 million? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| So, yeah. | ||
| Wow, I thought it would be like 20. Annual inflation over this period was 3.88%. | ||
| That's, um, when you think of, like, who's the top paid female today? | ||
| Is it Jennifer Lawrence, maybe? | ||
| Probably, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Close. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What does she get? | ||
| She probably gets like 20, right? | ||
| Somewhere in that 15 to 20 range, probably, yeah. | ||
| So she shits on Elizabeth Taylor. | ||
|
unidentified
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Mm-hmm. | |
| Fucking Hunger Games, bitch! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But anyway, she married a bunch of gay guys, I think. | ||
| See if you find out Elizabeth Taylor married gay guys. | ||
| Because that was always a stand-up comedy joke. | ||
| When I was first starting out, I remember a bunch of guys had jokes about Elizabeth Taylor. | ||
| I remember a chick had a joke about it, too. | ||
| About Elizabeth Taylor always marrying gay guys. | ||
| Not knowing that she's so old and fucked up on pills, she doesn't know the guy she's marrying are gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| I wonder why she would do that. | ||
| She probably won a companionship. | ||
| I think, in the end, there was rumors of substance abuse. | ||
| I mean, I'm peripherally associated with these news stories. | ||
| I don't really know them that well. | ||
| I just remember reading something about substance abuse and drinking and... | ||
| The end is always rough, man. | ||
| The end's rough for a lot of people, bro. | ||
| Yeah, those pain pills and everything get you. | ||
| It's happening. | ||
| That's the roughest of the rough, man. | ||
| The people who go out with those pain pill addictions. | ||
| We were talking about, Joey Diaz and I, we were talking yesterday about Prince. | ||
| He called me up and he was singing to me. | ||
| He was singing me that song. | ||
| Do you want him? | ||
| Or do you want me? | ||
| Cause I want you! | ||
| He's like, Purple Rain, cocksucker. | ||
| Joe Rogan, when was the last time you listened to Purple Rain? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, I'm stoned as a motherfucker right now listening to Purple Rain. | |
| Goddamn, Prince was good. | ||
| And I was thinking about it. | ||
| Prince was just one of the many greats that we lost to Pain Pills. | ||
| Just real recently. | ||
| Tom Petty. | ||
| Prince. | ||
| Who else? | ||
| We lost several... | ||
| Several... | ||
| Big name, powerful celebrities to pain pills. | ||
| Michael Jackson? | ||
| No, he was propofol. | ||
| He wasn't pain pills. | ||
| He was that shit that they used to put people under. | ||
| Yeah, but he was in like a lot of pain, right? | ||
| Wasn't that one of those things? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think he was just so fucked up in the head. | ||
| He had so much anxiety and he just couldn't sleep. | ||
| You know, he was just a mess, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| There's rumors that he was addicted to pain pills. | ||
| Michael Jackson? | ||
| Yeah, and he was working to make that big comeback thing at the time, too. | ||
| So they had him out there dancing and shit, looking like a bag of bones. | ||
| I'm pretty sure they said that the propofol is what killed him. | ||
| Yeah, because he couldn't sleep also. | ||
| Yeah, you need to sleep. | ||
| And what he was doing is just getting sedated every night. | ||
| I mean, that's the reason why his doctor went to jail. | ||
| He called it milk, right? | ||
| Can I have some more of the milk? | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| I'm having a little trouble sleeping. | ||
| It sparked from that accident he got in when he got on fire. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| He caught his hair on fire. | ||
| He was getting medication for the pain from that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's what happened to this guy that I know. | ||
| He hurt himself doing construction and then got on some pills, you know, because he had a back injury. | ||
| They put him on pills and then... | ||
| Life is over. | ||
| That's all it takes is one accident. | ||
| I've only taken a half of one pain pill one time, and I know the exact day that it happened because it was the day that the WWE Network came out. | ||
| I had my wisdom teeth pulled. | ||
| And they're like, take all these that you want. | ||
| I'm like, I don't really, you know, I'm very reactive to pills, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| But I was in a lot of pain, so I'm like, fuck it, I'll take a half of one. | ||
| And man, if I didn't go through that whole network's library that day, just with a smile on my face, drooling on myself, loving life. | ||
| Just watching all the old stuff that I watched as a kid. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So fun. | ||
| See, it was the day the network came out. | ||
| It would be nice if pain pills didn't do anything bad to you. | ||
| They just fucked you up, but no physical harm. | ||
| No addiction. | ||
| No addiction, no physical harm. | ||
| People are addicted to washing their hands. | ||
| People are addicted to really weird shit. | ||
| There's always going to be people that are addicted to things in that they can't quit doing them. | ||
| But addiction in your bones. | ||
| Like those pain pills. | ||
| It felt so good. | ||
| I remember the feeling of just like, oh, this is the greatest feeling. | ||
| I could do this all the time. | ||
| This is incredible. | ||
| It's incomparable to even... | ||
| You know, drink or pot or anything like that. | ||
| It's just sit there and smile, just waves of heat. | ||
| I was real sick once, and I got a hold of that real NyQuil in the 90s. | ||
| It was the last time I took it. | ||
| The real NyQuil. | ||
| That stuff, I guess it was Codeine. | ||
| Was it Codeine that was in there? | ||
| Yeah, something like that, right? | ||
| It's the Susurp. | ||
| It was wonderful. | ||
| It was wonderful. | ||
| My pillow and my blanket were just cuddling me with love. | ||
| And I was just lying in bed with a stupid smile on my face watching TV. Just like, ah, I'm so happy. | ||
| They don't make that NyQuil like they used to. | ||
| You gotta get it from a doctor, a shady doctor. | ||
| Pseudephedrine is what it was called. | ||
| That's what it is? | ||
| Yeah, nasal decongestion. | ||
| I think, I mean, since it's what was taken out of it. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Why did I think, is it like codeine? | ||
| Is it a codeine? | ||
| We've done this before, right? | ||
| We've talked about this before. | ||
| I saw there's a THC liquid something or other being sold like in 1200 milligram, but it's sold in like a bottle that looks just like the propofil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Somebody tried to give me some marijuana beer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-mm. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| THC-infused beer. | ||
| I'm like, you get that shit the fuck away from me. | ||
| They're making CBD-infused beer soon. | ||
| Like, I think Coors or Budweiser or someone invested a shitload of money into it in Canada. | ||
| Or MGD. Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's interesting. | ||
| Well, it would counteract the effects of alcohol somewhat. | ||
| Because one of the things about alcohol, right, is that it causes inflammation. | ||
| CBD perhaps could counteract the inflammation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What am I, a scientist? | ||
| I don't mess around with any of that THC infused stuff. | ||
| I like the CBD, but THC, when it comes to anything other than smoking it, I do not play. | ||
| You know what I like, pal? | ||
| I like these. | ||
| I like joints that are wrapped in tobacco. | ||
| These backwoods jammies, these are my favorite. | ||
| Because they give you a little bit of elevation. | ||
| You get a little bit from the cigarette, the nicotine, the tobacco, and then you get the weed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| It's a combo. | ||
| Corona and Modelo. | ||
|
unidentified
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Mmm. | |
| Corona and Modelo was the first to take the plunge, investing hundreds of millions of dollars into a Canadian outfit in order to bring THC-infused brews to market in Northern Nation. | ||
| Now Molson Coors, the second largest brewer in the world, is reportedly getting into the game. | ||
| The game. | ||
| Yeah, that's what's going to be interesting is when Smirnoff starts investing in marijuana. | ||
| Because they're going to. | ||
| It's 100% legal in Canada now. | ||
| Canada is just like buying a beer. | ||
| Thank God, Canada. | ||
| You bad motherfuckers up there. | ||
| And you can travel in Canada and fly with it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I love you can fly at LAX with weed now. | ||
| Heck yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They say whatever happens when you get there is on you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you see the thing that they have in Vegas? | ||
| They have dispensary, like, or dispensers for marijuana, like, at the airport? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-uh. | |
| And then people are breaking into them, and they're stealing weed out of them. | ||
| They're like, give me that weed! | ||
| And they say they're not free weed boxes, you assholes. | ||
| Crossing international borders with cannabis is illegal. | ||
| It's at the airport there. | ||
| Yeah, but does that mean going back or landing? | ||
| Either. | ||
| I don't think you can bring it in or take it out, but they're saying, like, if you're at the airport, just make sure you're staying here. | ||
| Isn't that interesting? | ||
| Like, you can't even bring it in, even though it's legal there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| There's the box. | ||
| Yeah, there's the box. | ||
| Disposal for prescription and recreational drugs. | ||
| Is that in Canada? | ||
| This one's in Canada, but they have them in Denver also. | ||
| I have a photo of the exact same thing from Vegas. | ||
| I took a picture of it. | ||
| That's a company that's supposed to come around and pick the shit up and dispose of it. | ||
| Or you get your little skinny arm in there. | ||
| Oh my god, that is so funny. | ||
| It's a disposal. | ||
| All the times that last second I'm just throwing joint tubes into the... | ||
| Into the trash can. | ||
| Who would actually go up to that thing and throw it in there? | ||
| No one. | ||
|
unidentified
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I remember being super fucked up. | |
| Like pot only. | ||
| Toronto Air Cannabis Amnesty Cans. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| This is just some guy laying on the ground with his mouth open at the bottom of that. | ||
| Oh my god, did you ever hear this story about a girl who was, she went into a porta potty and she thought she saw something like when she was sitting down and then she realized, like she heard like groans, she realized there was some guy in there inside the porta potty just laying there watching the shit come out and hitting him in the head. | ||
| With his mouth open while she's shitting and pissing on him. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He had climbed in to the shit and piss. | ||
| That is so disgusting and hot at the same time for some reason. | ||
| The fact that a monster would lay there like that. | ||
| He's probably had a fucking snorkel. | ||
| Port-a-potty peeper, Luke Christo, suing Boulder for $99,999 or equal amount of gold coinage. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He's from Boulder, Colorado. | ||
| He's suing Boulder? | ||
| So it happened in Boulder? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Boulder's a trippy place, man. | ||
| People have been getting really high in Boulder for a long time, and there's no air up there. | ||
| So if you get super baked in Boulder, you could blow a fuse. | ||
| Look at that port-a-potty. | ||
| It's like built for that. | ||
| It looks like it's a float tank with a toilet on top. | ||
| You know what it's like? | ||
| It's like one of those first-class seats you get when you fly to Australia. | ||
| Oh yeah, a little pod. | ||
| Get a pod! | ||
| It says, what? | ||
| Yeah, it's getting weird. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Crisco has made his mark on the internet under a variety of monikers, including Omni Rainbow and Sky Orion, whose YouTube channel features clips, including this one, in which he demonstrates his thigh-rubbing technique. | ||
| The video's not there for some reason. | ||
| Yeah, I wonder why. | ||
| It's been pulled from the internet. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| So this is the guy. | ||
| So he climbed in there to have people shit on him. | ||
| And how did he know that there was a girl? | ||
| His reward for such patience was the sight of a slender, black-haired, white man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Don't scroll. | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| I didn't know what the hell they were talking about before. | ||
| But I'm reading that. | ||
| Go back. | ||
| A slender, black-haired, white man standing between 6'5 and 6'8 inches tall with cuts on his back and arms wearing only a pair of sweatpants. | ||
| What is this about? | ||
| Oh, so this is the security guard realized that he was doing something. | ||
| Scroll back up. | ||
| So it gets to that. | ||
| Figure out what the hell they were talking about. | ||
| Imagine like waiting there under the toilet in the port-a-potty for a hot chick to come in and just like Joey Diaz comes in like, oh, I'm excited about this. | ||
| Oh, I've been eating Cuban sandwiches all week, pig. | ||
| In June 2011, we noted that a woman attended the Hamann Festival, stepped into a portable laboratory, and when she lifted the toilet's lid, she saw something moving in the deep, dark depths below. | ||
| Cue shock, horror, and quick escape when she fetched a man and asked him to look inside. | ||
| He, too, saw some movement beneath a tarp inside the tank. | ||
| And after exiting the chamber, he heard the door lock behind them. | ||
| At that point, he summoned the security. | ||
| Okay, that's what happened. | ||
| And then they caught that guy. | ||
| So he's in there with a tarp, hiding under a tarp while people were shitting on him. | ||
| Look at his face. | ||
| Is that the mugshot? | ||
| Is there shit all over him? | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh God, you son of a bitch. | |
| It's like the it clown meets the shit clown. | ||
| Oh, look at this. | ||
| He sat down with Fox 31 for a jailhouse interview in which he referred to spying on urinating or defecating women, in quotes, the highest creature in the universe. | ||
| He maintained as, in quotes, praising God and said, in quotes, it sounds kind of weird, but I would just find my peace and go away. | ||
| Say, thank you, goddess, and go about my night. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Isn't that the scariest part? | ||
| When you drop a deuce in the toilet and you hear the words, thank you, goddess, coming from the toilet. | ||
| Thank you, goddess, for your offerings. | ||
| He had other peepholes in other places around Boulder also. | ||
| A number of restaurants. | ||
| Just to know that someone like that is a real person. | ||
| You have to realize, sometimes you have to see someone like that to go, okay, I don't know everybody. | ||
| There's a long range. | ||
| If there's a chart of fucked up to totally normal, there's a lot of variables in there. | ||
| And there's a lot of people that just don't fit into your ideal... | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| We may know people that are into that type of thing. | ||
| We should set up a trap. | ||
| Did you say Earl Skakel? | ||
| What? | ||
| What did you just say? | ||
| No, I said we might know people. | ||
| Why did you say Earl? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Jeff Ross? | ||
| Did you say Jeff Ross? | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| Listen, don't do that off camera and expect me to keep secrets. | ||
| We should put one of those. | ||
| Jeremiah Watkins does what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just kidding, folks. | |
| We love those guys. | ||
| Just jokes. | ||
| Just jokes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you think we do? | ||
| Do you think we know anybody who likes to get shit on? | ||
| Jim Norton. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jim Norton will tell you about it. | ||
| We should put one behind the comedy store and see if anyone starts to look it up and down and lay down in it. | ||
| Start drooling. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, they had this test they did with men where they took men that were... | ||
| Before we get any further, I don't know who conducted these tests. | ||
| Jamie could probably find it. | ||
| They conducted tests where they put devices on penises. | ||
| Who talked about this? | ||
| Was it Christopher Ryan may have talked about this? | ||
| And maybe our friend Chris Ryan talked about this. | ||
| They put sensors on penises and they showed homophobic men. | ||
| Erotica. | ||
| And homosexual erotica in particular, like guys getting their dick sucked by guys, and they got aroused by it. | ||
| They put, like, these things on it. | ||
| So that's what we would need to do. | ||
| We'd need to, like... | ||
| Ah, that'd be the... | ||
| Homophobic men are aroused by gay male porn. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Homophobia is associated with sexual excitement by male-on-male sex. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| One study. | ||
| This is the greatest reality show ever in the making right now. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| One study asked heterosexual men how comfortable and anxious they are around gay men. | ||
| Based on these scores, they then divided these men into two groups, men that are homophobic and men that are not. | ||
| These men were then shown three four-minute videos. | ||
| That's a long time to be sitting there watching a dude suck a dick. | ||
| One video depicted straight sex, one depicted lesbian sex, and one depicted gay male sex. | ||
| While this was happening, a device was attached to each participant's penis. | ||
| This device has been found to be triggered by sexual arousal, but not by other types of arousal, such as nervousness or fear. | ||
| Arousal often has a very different meaning in psychology than in proper usage. | ||
| I wonder what the device looks like. | ||
| It's just some dude's mouth. | ||
| Yeah, it's a dude's mouth. | ||
| I'm pretty sure this was a Japanese game show experiment of some kind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was it? | |
| They had a guy get blown by another dude and he had to last a certain amount of time. | ||
| Oh, I did hear about that. | ||
| They kept him under a switch. | ||
| Wait a minute, he had to last without coming? | ||
| He had to go like four or five minutes or something like that. | ||
| Without blowing a load? | ||
| And he'd win a bunch of money. | ||
| And if a guy was sucking his dick. | ||
| People don't realize that before Fear Factor, Japanese game shows were on another level. | ||
| They were doing some fucking insane shit on Japanese TV. That was some of the early YouTube clips we used to watch, was Japanese game shows. | ||
| Those guys are always ahead of it. | ||
| Ninja Warrior. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Was that a Japanese show? | ||
| First? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Ninjas and stuff, yeah. | ||
| Should be. | ||
| That's how it got on to the way it is because G4 had a contest for the first American to go over and do it. | ||
| And that just sort of snowballed from there. | ||
| And then they had that show that was kind of a version of it for America called Wipeout, right? | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Because that was the same people that produced Fear Factor produced Wipeout. | ||
| And they had MXC, where they would like auto-dub them or do the voice dubs, and it would seem a little funny, but they'd be like the waiters versus the service staff, and it'd be almost a big joke. | ||
| Remember what I'm talking about? | ||
| No. | ||
| It was called MXC, like I don't remember the full name. | ||
| I'll pull up a video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
MXC. So anyway... | |
| We put these sensors on Earl Skakel's dick and have someone take a shit in front of me. | ||
| Earl's like, what the fuck? | ||
| What did I do, guys? | ||
| Nothing! | ||
| Earl, we're sorry, we're just joking around. | ||
| Oh, that girl got hit in the head. | ||
| Now, here's the thing. | ||
| I can't help but thinking that that lady's running through shit now after we talked about it. | ||
| I don't see that as mud. | ||
| It's just a silly Japanese show, but here's the other one I was telling you about. | ||
| I can only find it on LiveLeak, but it is... | ||
| Gay versus straight blowjob challenge. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So who's the gay guy? | ||
| The big guy, I believe. | ||
| The big guy's gay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the straight guy, wow. | ||
| And the gay guy says, those pants are hot. | ||
| And so this guy has to stand there, see if we can get Takuya. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Of course, if he doesn't get hard... | ||
| See, he might not get hard like this. | ||
| What does the expression mean? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Welcome to another episode of Win-Win. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Either you win money or you cum. | ||
| The sound of a high-speed vacuum puts his hand in his mouth. | ||
| His expression has changed dramatically. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's always those fat guys that really suck the best dicks, I bet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that you throw I bet at the end of that. | |
| You have to say I bet. | ||
| I would imagine. | ||
| This guy took his shirt off. | ||
| What happened there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He shot. | |
| Thank you, I enjoyed that, he says. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That poor guy. | ||
| Seems like we have a winner. | ||
| That poor guy just nutted in that dude's mouth. | ||
| He says, that's frustrating. | ||
| A lot came out, didn't it, he says. | ||
| It's so frustrating though. | ||
| Yeah, but a lot came out. | ||
| So the guy's telling him. | ||
| The guy's like, dude, you enjoyed that. | ||
| You came really hard. | ||
| He goes, it was very frustrating. | ||
| He's like, yeah, but a lot came out. | ||
| You came hard. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, but frustrating. | ||
| Don't like. | ||
| No, but you liked it at the time because a lot came out. | ||
| It only comes out if it feels good. | ||
| That is, they're evil. | ||
| That's fucking with a person's mind, you know? | ||
| That guy has to think about that shit for the rest of his life. | ||
| Oh, he's probably gay now. | ||
| He's probably on the other side of the game show, sucking the dick. | ||
| The reason why I would imagine fat guys suck dick better is because it involves food and gay sex at the same time. | ||
| It's a combination of things. | ||
| Like, fat people probably like things in their mouth, and then on top of that, gay sex. | ||
| And Asian, as well, Kobayashi is the hot dog eating champion. | ||
| I thought you were gonna go with a little dick. | ||
| Because you can get all of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get the whole thing. | ||
| That too. | ||
| You're not choking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could deep throat it. | ||
| You could really go to town. | ||
| And it might not even make it to your throat. | ||
| Just deep mouth it. | ||
| Deep lip it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a terrible stereotype, but I'm really embarrassed that you brought that up on this show. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| Indeed. | ||
| And if anybody knows things about stereotypes, it's Asians. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Megyn Kelly. | ||
| That was an Asian stereotype. | ||
| I'll get it. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I get it. | |
| Like Samsung. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Megyn Kelly. | ||
| That's a crazy one. | ||
| That's a crazy one. | ||
| Because she said, I never really got it all the way. | ||
| She said that back in her day, people used to be black for Halloween. | ||
| She said, why can't you dress up as like Diana Ross? | ||
| She essentially said, what's wrong with wearing blackface? | ||
| She threw one in that's not even really bad. | ||
| She started with, why is it bad for a black person to dress up as a white person or a white person dress up as a black person? | ||
| Well, it's not. | ||
| Nobody says it's bad for a black person to dress up as a white person. | ||
| Dave Chappelle did it on his TV show forever. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did we do that? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Nobody cared. | ||
| It's bad because they used to have minstrel shows. | ||
| Like, if she knew the history of it, like, you'd go back and watch Al Jolson. | ||
| Have you ever watched some of that stuff? | ||
| A little bit, but I mean... | ||
| We should watch some of that. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| The Al Jolson stuff? | ||
| I don't think we can. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I mean... | ||
| What would happen? | ||
| Go to jail? | ||
| No, I'm just... | ||
| PC police? | ||
| YouTube? | ||
| What about White Chicks? | ||
| Remember White Chicks when the Wayans brothers... | ||
| Oh yeah! | ||
| They had that whole movie where they wore white faces. | ||
| Huge movie. | ||
| Nobody cares. | ||
| Heavily promoted movie. | ||
| Funny movie. | ||
| Yeah, you could be white. | ||
| Nobody cares. | ||
| So her saying that was very disingenuous. | ||
| It was just to cover her ass. | ||
| So that's Al Jolson. | ||
| The jazz singer. | ||
| The jazz singer Al Jolson used to wear blackface. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Yeah, and look at what he used to do with his lips. | ||
| He used to like make his lips cartoonishly exaggerated and he would sing, but he was like an obviously a white man singing in blackface as a black man. | ||
| It's really weird to watch and he would wear white gloves on. | ||
| Is it wrong that I feel weirder watching this than reading about the guy that was getting shit and pissed on? | ||
| Is it wrong that you came quicker than the guy getting his dick sucked by that guy? | ||
| Man. | ||
| Man. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Pretty sure that was the first movie with sound also. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| The first movie was sound was racist as fuck We gotta realize the first movie was sound was that probably 19 27. 27? | ||
| Okay, so that is, what is that, 60 years after slavery? | ||
| After it was abolished, but it wasn't even really done when it was abolished, so yeah. | ||
| When was it done? | ||
| Arguably, it isn't with jails, but I mean, there were still- Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Jamie went deep with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I'm just saying. | ||
| Well, yeah, but it was like, okay, we're still- They weren't all- But slaves weren't all immediately released. | ||
| Jamie, stop by Twitter. | ||
| You gotta cut them. | ||
| I'm just saying, but like, slaves weren't all immediately released, and once the law passed, they didn't just say, you're free. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| But what I meant was, when it was a- I just like, I don't know the date you were looking for. | ||
| It happened gradually over time, so. | ||
| Yeah, because of the Civil War, right? | ||
| Civil War ended in 1875? | ||
| Is that when it ended? | ||
| 65. It ended at 65? | ||
| But the resolution to abolish slavery was passed. | ||
| Emancipation Proclamation. | ||
| Is that what 65? | ||
| 64-ish. | ||
| I don't know the exact day I looked it up. | ||
| And then the Civil War ended just a couple years later, right? | ||
| Emancipation Proclamation, January 1st, 1863. 63. And then the war ended 1865. Yeah. | ||
| That's not that long. | ||
| Like, 60 years later, they're doing Meme! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Meme! | |
| You ever heard it? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| Let's say it's weird watching old movies, period. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, the 1920s and shit. | ||
| It's like, it's so... | ||
| I watched King Kong with my kids. | ||
| I had them watch the original King Kong. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And they were like, are we gonna be scared? | ||
| This was a few years back, like, when, um... | ||
| One was six and one was four. | ||
| We're nervous. | ||
| We're scared. | ||
| I go, don't be scared. | ||
| It's not scary. | ||
| Just trust me. | ||
| You're going to think it's funny. | ||
| They were laughing. | ||
| They thought it was so funny. | ||
| It looked so bad. | ||
| It looked so corny. | ||
| We're just cuddled up on the couch watching King Kong. | ||
| It looked so corny, like the claymation. | ||
| It's just weird that back then that was a horror movie. | ||
| Like, people would go to the movie like, that was terrifying. | ||
| Yes, it was. | ||
| I'm gonna go get a sandwich. | ||
| My goodness. | ||
| I'm gonna go get a coffee for a penny. | ||
| I saw the new Halloween movie the other day. | ||
| How was that? | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| They actually did it. | ||
| They made a great movie, a great reboot. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| If you've ever enjoyed any moment or know anything about Michael Myers at all, it's unbelievable. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Really great. | ||
| It's like modern day. | ||
| They make Jamie Lee Curtis a badass. | ||
| She's her age. | ||
| It's bothered her her whole life. | ||
| All anyone wants to talk with her about is that. | ||
| She lifted weights and shit? | ||
| She holds herself up in this big... | ||
| She builds a compound with fences and everything in case he ever... | ||
| She fucking comes back and she teaches herself how to shoot. | ||
| It's like real awesome, dude. | ||
| You fucking love it. | ||
| I couldn't believe it. | ||
| The rest of the night I was saying to my wife, I can't believe how great that movie was. | ||
| And she loved it too. | ||
| So it's like all around awesome. | ||
| What does Rotten Tomatoes say about it? | ||
| Those people are all crazy. | ||
| I don't listen to any of these people's opinions. | ||
| I went to a Yelp review the other day because there's this restaurant that I really like that's near my house. | ||
| And I said, I wonder how it gets reviewed on Yelp. | ||
| And it was like all five stars except one. | ||
| One, one star. | ||
| And it was like a crazy review where some woman was, she was yelling, she was complaining that tips, that if you tip on a credit card that they don't get it until the end of the week and then it gets taxed. | ||
| Is that how it always works? | ||
| Or do you get it at night? | ||
| Do they cash you out? | ||
| Depends on the restaurant. | ||
| Depends on the restaurant. | ||
| But I felt like that was probably common, that some restaurants will give you, with your weekly check, all of your tips for the week. | ||
| It's not typical. | ||
| Yeah, that would be if they're pooling, perhaps, all the tips of the week together and splitting it amongst everybody, which only a really, really, really good restaurant would do. | ||
| That seems like it doesn't encourage performance, though, right? | ||
| Well, at that level of restaurants, the performance is a given. | ||
| They're probably splitting vast sums of money because it's a full-blown machine. | ||
| Right, like a five-star restaurant. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I worked at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse coming out of high school, and I learned pretty much everything there is to know. | ||
| They make you... | ||
| Memorize a stack of cards. | ||
| You have to know everything, and the whole thing's a well-oiled machine. | ||
| I was a food runner, which basically means that I had to make sure that everything going to the tables was perfectly set up, because there's no fixing it once it leaves the door, right? | ||
| So you're basically the final approver of everything, and the server's just waiting at the table, or follows behind you. | ||
| You sit the tray down and they do it and you get 10% of all the server's tips on the floor. | ||
| So sometimes, some nights, if there's, you know, say more than 10 to 1 food runner or servers to food runners, you can make more than even a server at a Ruth's Chris Steakhouse. | ||
| But each restaurant does it differently and splits tips. | ||
| Maybe they pull them that night. | ||
| Pulling the tips actually usually means that the service is going to be unbelievable. | ||
| Unless it's just a janky restaurant, then they probably just do it normally. | ||
| Well, this restaurant's a very nice restaurant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So anyway, I looked at this lady's one-star review. | ||
| Like one star out of five stars. | ||
| And I always have a big smile on my face when I see a one-star review. | ||
| Because that means this bitch is going to have a lot of one-star reviews if you go to her page. | ||
| So I went to her page. | ||
| It was all one-star reviews. | ||
| This fucking malcontent. | ||
| This monster. | ||
| It was just going everywhere and complaining about everything from fucking nail salons to movie theaters. | ||
| Like everything. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I don't think trolls know that anybody is just one click away from them being completely exposed. | ||
| It's the same thing on Twitter or really anything, right? | ||
| You see someone say something crazy, you just click on their profile and it's... | ||
| All crazy. | ||
| All crazy. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| To everybody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're complaining about everything. | ||
| After Roseanne was on, I got a bunch of people that tweeted at me with these wacky conspiracies, like wacky mind control conspiracies. | ||
| And what it seemed to me to be, I'm not a professional, but if I had to guess, a wave of mentally ill people were contacting me. | ||
| And I was reading this, and I was like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| How many of these fucking people are out there that believe, like, the most nuttiest CIA-based mind control experiments and NSA, you know, tapping into everything in your home and listening to your conversations by listening to the vibrations off of your window panes? | ||
| Like, here's what people don't know. | ||
| Who's got time for that? | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| Do you really think there's enough people in the world to be paying attention to all the people in the world? | ||
| Does that make any sense to you? | ||
| It shouldn't. | ||
| There's no way everybody's watching everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| There's not enough people. | ||
| See? | ||
| Like, if you do something, like, say... | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe runs for president. | ||
| Oh, they're gonna fucking watch you for sure. | ||
| They're gonna find out what- why is Tony Hinchcliffe running for president? | ||
| Who's backing him? | ||
| Is it George Soros? | ||
| Who's looking out for Tony Hinchcliffe? | ||
| You know, who's trying to- who's for- yeah, they'll check you out. | ||
| But the average person is like- remember that Mel Gibson movie, Conspiracy Theory? | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| He played a mentally ill person. | ||
| Who fell in love with Julia Roberts. | ||
| He was like a hot, mentally ill person. | ||
| And he just believed everything was a conspiracy theory. | ||
| I watched it the other day. | ||
| Like, out of nowhere. | ||
| It was on TV. And I said, let me watch this for a little bit. | ||
| And I was like, wow, how fucking wacky is this movie? | ||
| People that have schizophrenia don't realize that they're schizophrenic. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| People with bipolar notice. | ||
| They might be aware that they're having an episode. | ||
| People OCD, they're OCD, ADD, ADD. Schizophrenia, it's game, set, match. | ||
| You start hearing the voices become a normal thing. | ||
| Like you think everybody can hear them and you're not really acknowledging them because they become so natural. | ||
| The schizophrenic person can be in a psych ward and say to their doctor, why am I here? | ||
| And that's a breakthrough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you know Mark Maron heard voices in his head for over a year? | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| After partying with Kinnison? | ||
| That's a hard Kennison party. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We're pussies. | ||
| Man. | ||
| We really are. | ||
| I was talking to Argus the other day at the back door. | ||
| And it's just like, my God, I literally said the words. | ||
| Like, I'm like, I wish I was, I wish I had started back when you started, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Because he was talking about we ended up getting off on this whole, I don't know how we got there, but we started off on this whole tangent about just, you know, sobriety and stuff. | ||
| And he's like, man, you know, back in my day. | ||
| And he was, I can't remember the exact dialogue, but it was just... | ||
| Yeah, I mean those guys were all, it was all just a blur. | ||
| I learned something from Argus. | ||
| You know, Argus runs like insane numbers of miles every day. | ||
| Like 12 miles, 15 miles a day. | ||
| The addict in him, the guy that loved getting wasted, that's his high now. | ||
| He talks about it all the time, his runner's high. | ||
| It's real, dude. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| I know now, because of this month. | ||
| This month, this sober October month, dude, I worked out no less than at least two hours. | ||
| That's a small workout. | ||
| A small workout where that's all I could get in was two hours. | ||
| The longest I did, I did six hours one day. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| Six hours of insane cardio. | ||
| That's like both kill bills, dude. | ||
| I did seven hours of cardio in the last two days. | ||
| Between yesterday and the day before, seven hours of hard cardio. | ||
| Different stuff. | ||
| Running the hills with the dog. | ||
| Elliptical machine or the rowing machine? | ||
| You know you're competing with fat people, right? | ||
| No, I'm competing with myself. | ||
| First of all, my main competition is Ari Shafir. | ||
| And whether you realize it or not, Ari Shafir, even though he doesn't exercise, Ari has a strong mind. | ||
| He's a very strong mind. | ||
| Ari ran 15 miles the other day. | ||
| 15 miles. | ||
| He rode 5 kilometers. | ||
| And then after he rode five kilometers, he did something else. | ||
| He rode his bike. | ||
| He rode a bike for a certain amount of miles. | ||
| How long did it take him to run 15 miles? | ||
| The whole thing, his whole workout was, I think, four hours. | ||
| Goodness, he's got that power Jew gene. | ||
| He's got that escape from concentration camp gene. | ||
| Dude, you saw how fucking hard he was going on the rowing machine? | ||
| He goes hard, dude. | ||
| He stayed in the 80% on the rowing machine for an hour. | ||
| I mean, he really did. | ||
| I saw him. | ||
| I was out there with him. | ||
| I filmed it. | ||
| I put it up on Instagram. | ||
| That's that point. | ||
| When Bert was making fun of him for being at 75 for just walking, isn't that him being out of shape? | ||
| It's not. | ||
| Because when Bert and him went walking, he was in way better shape than Bert. | ||
| See, Ari rides his bike in New York, and he walks a lot in New York, and even though he's not in great shape, like in terms of a guy who runs, in comparison to Bert, he's in fantastic shape. | ||
| When they went hiking together, Bert had to stop, like a bunch of times, like, we're going to stop, we're going to stop, and Ari was pissed off. | ||
| He's like, why do I have to stop, because you're fat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, he's like yelling at him. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So he wanted to see what would happen if the two of them went out together and did the exact same hiking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because Bert was saying, oh, it's because you're not in shape, so your heart is always at 80%. | |
| No. | ||
| Ari in a week is in way better shape than Bert is in his whole life of working out and drinking vodka every night. | ||
| Compared to Bert. | ||
| But compared to Bert. | ||
| But my point is, he was my real competition. | ||
| I was very much worried about him. | ||
| So, up until two days ago, everything seemed to be going good. | ||
| I was working out really hard, and it was hard. | ||
| It's hard to do three hours a day. | ||
| It's three and a half hours a day. | ||
| Two days in a row, it was three and a half hours a day. | ||
| But I started peeing and it started coming out dark. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Like iced tea. | ||
| Oh shit, this sounds like a guy at a port-a-potty's dream. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, give me that sweet tea! | |
| Oh, that sweet tea! | ||
| What does he say at the end? | ||
| Oh, bless you goddess. | ||
| Oh, bless you goddess for your sweet tea. | ||
| I was famished. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It didn't look good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oof. | |
| And today I had to go to some thing at my kid's school. | ||
| We had some Halloween thing. | ||
| And I had to go up three flights of stairs. | ||
| Three long flights of stairs. | ||
| I got to the top. | ||
| First of all, I barely made it up the stairs. | ||
| I got to the top. | ||
| I was out of breath. | ||
| And my legs were shaking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Three flights of stairs. | ||
| And I was like, okay. | ||
| I might have fucked something up. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| That was today? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was today. | |
| Jeez. | ||
| That was today. | ||
| What does it mean? | ||
| I think my body's breaking down. | ||
| I think I've got serious muscle breakdown. | ||
| To the point, my muscles are so sore that I'm ignoring that they're sore. | ||
| And even though they're really, really sore, I'm still doing three hours of cardio. | ||
| I limped up to the trail when I ran with my dog yesterday. | ||
| And then I ran two miles. | ||
| And then after I ran two miles, I did an hour and a half on the elliptical machine. | ||
| And then after I did an hour and a half on the elliptical machine, I did 45 minutes of kicking the bag. | ||
| Punching and kicking the bag. | ||
| I took two naps yesterday. | ||
| Two separate naps. | ||
| My point is, Argus taught me something by telling me about this high that you get from all this cardio. | ||
| And I was like, what kind of fucking nonsense is that? | ||
| I knew that there was an endorphin high, but I didn't think it was really specific. | ||
| But there's a very specific high that you get, and it's like, if you could take a pill that puts you in the state of mind that I am when I work out this much, everybody would take it. | ||
| And the world would be a better place. | ||
| Because you don't give a fuck. | ||
| You don't give a fuck about anything. | ||
| I mean, not that you don't care about people and friends and loved ones, but there's no anxiety. | ||
| There's no... | ||
| All the chatter, all the negative chatter that you get in your brain that you have to, like, push off and ignore, that shuts off. | ||
| It's gone. | ||
| Non-existent. | ||
| And I wonder how much of that is there because your brain is almost trying to create problems and conflict because you're not getting enough exercise. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because your body's supposed to get a specific amount of exercise. | ||
| My dog is, I think, like eight months old or something now. | ||
| And I've learned a lot from having this dog this time. | ||
| Like, I didn't notice a lot of stuff with the other dogs that I've raised in the past. | ||
| Because with this one, it's very clear. | ||
| And I mean, they're all that way. | ||
| But if you don't work it out, and you don't take it and exercise it... | ||
| She's crazy. | ||
| She can be a nut. | ||
| And she shows you by being weird. | ||
| Not necessarily destroying stuff. | ||
| But, you know, just being weird. | ||
| Little things. | ||
| Nibbling at your finger a different way with just your little front teeth. | ||
| Sort of like telling you something. | ||
| Like, hey dude, I need to fucking get some exercise in. | ||
| And we're all that same way. | ||
| So our brain is going to make more complex ways for us to be freaked out. | ||
| Basically run for our lives, right? | ||
| Yeah, like if I don't just I mean again, I barely Do cardio, but I do do it pretty consistently, but it's short. | ||
| It's like a mile or two. | ||
| That's all you need. | ||
| Yeah, but and it cleanses the palate it's like ginger between sushi slices and And if I go without it, absolutely it compiles. | ||
| I'll wake up bitter and angry about something. | ||
| I'll see something on, you know, somewhere or something or work-wise and stress out about it and like, why this and that? | ||
| Stuff that doesn't make any sense at all. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if you were in a good state of mind, you'd be like, eh, who gives a fuck? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But instead you'd dwell on it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So your brain's like trying to come up with problems. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it wants us to do something. | ||
| My dog Marshall's like that hardcore. | ||
| Because Marshall's in shape. | ||
| Because he runs miles with me all the time. | ||
| So that dog's ready to go. | ||
| And so it's like, we're running, right? | ||
| We're running today? | ||
| I'm like, no, not today, dude. | ||
| I've got to work. | ||
| What the fuck am I going to do with myself? | ||
| He'll just start chewing socks and doing things that he's not supposed to do. | ||
| He's just a ball of energy. | ||
| At least he doesn't have like anxiety and negative chatter. | ||
| The complex human mind when it doesn't have enough energy output. | ||
| I always think of the brain as almost like a battery that has a lid on it and there's like energy is like flowing out of the battery and spilling over the sides and causing a mess. | ||
| Because you got to expand or expend a certain amount of energy every day in order to keep it clean. | ||
| Just keep everything going well. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, I feel fucking great. | ||
| Other than the fact that I can't walk good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's just, I went too hard. | ||
| It's just too hard. | ||
| But I wanted to get so far ahead. | ||
| My goal was to get so far ahead that no one could catch up. | ||
| I was like, they could do these big days every now and then. | ||
| I go, but it's hard to do a big day and then do another big day and then do another big day. | ||
| That's what's hard. | ||
| I'm like, that's where I'll get them. | ||
| I'll get them in the like, when you wake up, you're like, not today. | ||
| That's the day you gotta go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's like, I wanted to put some distance Between them. | ||
| So what I did was I did one day where I did six hours. | ||
| I did five hours in the morning, actually five and a half. | ||
| Then I did another hour at night. | ||
| So it was basically six and a half hours. | ||
| And I got a thousand points for the day. | ||
| And they were like, what? | ||
| A thousand thirty-five, actually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good God. | |
| Like, I guarantee you that when Maren was hearing those voices during that Kinison time that he wasn't working out. | ||
| No, he doesn't work out now, I don't think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's easy for a comedian to not work out, and then when you factor that in that it's not a normal job, and you can go from your bed to your car to the venue to sit down at a table to wait till you go on stage, then you do that, you stand up, I don't think that had anything to do with it. | ||
| I think it was cocaine. | ||
| They did so much cocaine, they were up for days. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| He broke his brain. | ||
| And physically not doing anything, right. | ||
| That too, but I mean, I think the big factor was the cocaine. | ||
| Doing cocaine with Kinesin, I think he just popped a fuse. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| Fucking up for days and days, and Kinesin's like, where's the blow? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where's the blow? | |
| Oh, oh! | ||
| And you're like, I'm only 22, man. | ||
| I gotta get out of here. | ||
| I have a future. | ||
| I have a life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Do you know that he, Kinison, and Roseanne have something really serious in common? | ||
| They were both hit by cars when they were very young, and their personality radically changed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and that was one of the things that I really wanted to cover with Roseanne when I had her on the podcast, because all these people were calling her a racist, and alt-right, and this and that, all these different things. | ||
| I'm like, listen, you don't understand this woman. | ||
| First of all, one of the greatest stand-up comics of all time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Mentally ill and talks about it openly and is very honest about her troubles and what happened She was committed to a mental institution for nine months after this car accident I mean she was hit in the fucking head by a car The car was driving the sunlight was in her face. | ||
| She couldn't see clipped her in the intersection sent her flying She was in intensive care for a long fucking time, in a coma for a long fucking time. | ||
| Came out of it, was fucked up, couldn't concentrate in school, and then they committed her to a mental institution for nine months. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good lad. | |
| I mean, that is a long time. | ||
| Yeah, the hood ornament spiked her fucking head, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So when people are talking about her, like, this is all something that she planned out because she's an evil person, that's like saying to a person who has a broken leg, why are you limping? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's really like that. | ||
| Like, one of the reasons why she was so brilliant as a comedian, other than she worked hard and she writes and, you know, she's got a great mind for it. | ||
| One of the reasons was... | ||
| She truly was like incredibly impulsive and Insane and this is what allowed her to say things that other people wouldn't say Especially back then like people have to realize when Roseanne Barr was huge She was huge before I ever did comedy. | ||
| She was huge. | ||
| When she was huge, there was no women like her. | ||
| No one. | ||
| She was fat. | ||
| She didn't give a fuck. | ||
| She would go on stage. | ||
| She would talk mad shit. | ||
| It would be hilarious. | ||
| She would kill. | ||
| She would kill, dude. | ||
| I remember watching her kill on HBO when I was probably 18 or something like that. | ||
| She's one of Mitzi's true, like, success stories, right? | ||
| Did you guys talk about that? | ||
| Her being on in the main room and then being on, like, Carson weeks later? | ||
| She booked Carson in one of her first spots. | ||
| I think we talked about that the first time. | ||
| We might not have. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hard to remember. | ||
| She's a comedy store, like, for comedy store fans and historians. | ||
| Like, she's, like, an anomaly. | ||
| Because I'm pretty sure her first ever spot as a paid regular was in the main room, which was a big deal at the time. | ||
| And from that spot, she got The Tonight Show like a week or two later. | ||
| Like she got booked from her first paid regular spot to The Tonight Show. | ||
| From The Tonight Show, got a sitcom deal. | ||
| Like was a huge overnight success. | ||
| So it all went like, bing, bing, bow! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One thing that she talked about the first time she did the podcast was that she lost her mind when all that was going on. | ||
| She's like, oh, I went crazy. | ||
| I lost my mind. | ||
| The kind of pressure to go from being a housewife in Denver to like a couple years later, being one of the biggest stars in the world. | ||
| Like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's no... | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| It takes... | ||
| It takes... | ||
| Yeah, that would drive anybody crazy. | ||
| The whole thing's crazy because also waiting for it's crazy and working towards it's crazy and the whole thing's crazy. | ||
| So to get it all at once, that seems crazier than anything because then you're like, oh my God, I'm not ready for this. | ||
| What am I going to do? | ||
| At least most of the time in show business, right? | ||
| It takes 10, 15, 20, 25 years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you're usually like, I've been ready for this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or you do all those years and then you're an overnight success like Tiffany Haddish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Tiffany Haddish did a bunch of years and then out of nowhere she becomes a giant success. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But she prepared by doing all those years. | ||
| For Roseanne Barr it was like instantaneous. | ||
| The thing that bothered me most about all that stuff was how quickly everyone wanted to just cancel her, get rid of her, stop her from working ever again. | ||
| I don't want to hear her side of it. | ||
| There's no room for explanation. | ||
| There's no room for discussion. | ||
| There's no room for... | ||
| Just get rid of her. | ||
| Out! | ||
| We went from wanting to see people become stars, American Idol, America's Got Talent, to watching people's dreams get destroyed. | ||
| That's the new obsession. | ||
| The new thing is, we've seen people make it. | ||
| Let's watch the dream get crushed. | ||
| You're already rich? | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| Get out of here, Trump. | ||
| Get out of here, Roseanne. | ||
| Get out of here, Kanye. | ||
| It's like these people, I mean, except for Trump, I mean Trump's its own thing, but like trying to like destroy people that are artists, it's the weirdest thing. | ||
| Well, it's people that are on the outside that are watching these people live these spectacular lives, and if something goes wrong, they're happy, because then that person has to be a regular person again, or even worse, they have to be a has-been, which people love. | ||
| People love a has-been. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I remember one guy was shitting on Gary Coleman because Gary Coleman was a security guard. | ||
| I was having this conversation with him. | ||
| He was, like, laughing. | ||
| That Gary Coleman from Different Strokes, that was his show? | ||
| Was a security guard. | ||
| He's like, that fucking guy's a security guard now, man. | ||
| And I was like, okay. | ||
| But if you saw, like, a regular security guard, would you go, ha! | ||
| Yeah, that fucking guy's a security guard. | ||
| You wouldn't do that, right? | ||
| You'd go, oh, there's a security guard. | ||
| Hey, what's up, man? | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to Building 3. Here's my ID. He'd be normal, right? | ||
| But because he was famous, Being a security guard's a joke, and he's a loser. | ||
| Like, there was joy and glee in this guy describing how Gary Coleman, who was born, like, with a disease. | ||
| I mean, he's deformed. | ||
| He's this tiny person with a fucked up body. | ||
| His whole body's a mess. | ||
| I mean, he's physically a mess. | ||
| His health is fucked up. | ||
| This guy was... | ||
| Taking joy out of the fact that he was a security guard now. | ||
| It's like, wow, this is a weird tendency that people have to watch people that they think had it better than them fall. | ||
| Yeah, the guy that was bagging groceries from Whatchamacallits. | ||
| Oh yeah, from the Cosby Show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, apparently Tyler Perry gave that guy a job. | ||
| Shout out to Tyler Perry. | ||
| Casted him as a grocery bagger in some movie. | ||
| Gave him double the money. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| He said, I love the fact that the guy's hustling. | ||
| He's out there working. | ||
| There's no shame in working. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The fact that people are so obsessed with that, that there's a shame in it. | ||
| There's a shame in just having a job and working. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| It's very strange how people are attached to that. | ||
| You know, that they immediately think that this is something to mock and make fun of. | ||
| You know, I mean, it was almost universal. | ||
| So many people were doing stories on that guy bagging groceries. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's the age we live in, man. | ||
| People want to see people break. | ||
| If anybody's doing anything, there's a chance. | ||
| They're just waiting. | ||
| People are so mad. | ||
| Look, if Megyn Kelly, if we didn't know what her contract was, right? | ||
| If it was just some... | ||
| In fact, let's say we did know. | ||
| Let's say she was getting paid barely what we would ever guess, right? | ||
| Let's say she's getting paid, I don't know, $100,000 a year at her new job at NBC. She'd probably still have the job, right? | ||
| I mean, it's the whole crazy part is that we all know she got paid $68 million for three years for what? | ||
| Right? | ||
| That's the whole take. | ||
| So it's like, you know, let's get, you know, what people are watching. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, what'd you just say about Halloween costumes? | |
| That's it. | ||
| We got her. | ||
| We got her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you ever hear it? | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| Play it. | ||
| Megyn Kelly shit. | ||
| What do you guys have, like a button? | ||
| No, no, which comment, like the apology or the original comment? | ||
| No, the apology was hilarious. | ||
| This woman said that, some woman from Australia said that it seems like a hostage video. | ||
| The only thing that's missing is her holding up a newspaper with a date on it. | ||
| I retweeted it. | ||
| I'm like, it so does. | ||
| And then somebody else said, well, if you, there's one of the, one of the things about it that's so strange is how insincere it seems. | ||
| Like, forced. | ||
| Like, it's from a Forrester. | ||
| It's her apology. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| The apology seems forced. | ||
| Yeah, no, I haven't seen that. | ||
| But the, but forget the apology. | ||
| Let's play the actual video. | ||
| It's actually, if I remember correctly, it's two comments. | ||
| She makes one and then they come back. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It's like the second comment, I think, was the one that was the issue. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| What was the first comment? | ||
| Again, I don't remember. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was a controversy on the Real Housewives of New York with Luann. | |
| And she dresses Diana Ross. | ||
| And she made her skin look darker than it really is. | ||
| And people said that that was racist. | ||
| And I don't know, I felt like, who doesn't love Diana Ross? | ||
| She wants to look like Diana Ross for one day. | ||
| I don't know how that got racist on Halloween. | ||
| See, that's the first one. | ||
| But it's weird when you watch it now. | ||
| Like, you know, this is her demise. | ||
| Like, you're watching the stumble when she trips off the rock and falls off the cliff. | ||
| This is the stumble. | ||
| Like, I don't get it. | ||
| How is that racist? | ||
| Do you want to be Diana Ross? | ||
| Then play it again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was a wrap. | |
| My favorite one of hers that she ever said was they were doing this thing on Fox News about Santa Claus, and someone had something about Santa Claus being black. | ||
| They did something about Santa Claus being black. | ||
| And she just went, well, Santa Claus is definitely white. | ||
| And she was like, I think she said it to kids, like, kids, Santa Claus is definitely right. | ||
| Or kids, Santa Claus is real, and he's definitely white. | ||
| I forget what the exact terminology was. | ||
| But she basically said Santa Claus is definitely white. | ||
| Like, Santa Claus isn't fucking real. | ||
| Okay, that's like saying Spider-Man's definitely white. | ||
| She didn't get fired from Fox for saying that. | ||
| She probably got a raise for saying that, right? | ||
| Yeah, they licked her toes. | ||
| Whole different thing at Fox. | ||
| Well, it was then. | ||
| They don't want her now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She wanted to go back. | ||
| They're like, nah, we're good. | ||
| Yeah, they wouldn't even take her back. | ||
| The thing is, you can't go from being an ice princess in a conservative right-wing channel to being like Oprah. | ||
| She was trying to be like Oprah. | ||
| Yeah, I don't... | ||
| I'll never really get what NBC was thinking there. | ||
| They were thinking, cha-ching! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get that paper! | |
| They thought those people were just going to come over? | ||
| Yeah, that's exactly what they thought. | ||
| They thought she has a giant fan base. | ||
| But she had a fan base for sure. | ||
| Some came over. | ||
| But a lot of her fan base was because she was the beautiful conservative woman who was very tough, very articulate, very smart. | ||
| And they liked that. | ||
| She was an ice princess. | ||
| And she would shut people down if they were incorrect and she wouldn't let people talk over her. | ||
| She was powerful, kind of frightening in a hot way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Fox News has a bunch of those chicks just waiting. | ||
| Waiting in the helms. | ||
| You know what they're like? | ||
| They're like that closet in Ex Machina when the dude opens it up and sees all these robots with different skin and faces and... | ||
| They have so many of them. | ||
| Just teleprompters ready to roll with big letters so they can read it clearly. | ||
| We'll tell you what you like. | ||
| They're making a movie and these three are the anchors for Fox News. | ||
| Argo Robbie, Nicole Kidman, and Charlize Theron. | ||
| Wouldn't mind being on the other end of that porta potty. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| See, you could get fired for that. | ||
| Imagine if you were on a show and you said that, that would be the end. | ||
| Like that. | ||
| This is a beautiful thing about podcasts. | ||
| Nobody gives a fuck that you said that. | ||
| It has zero consequences. | ||
| But let's pretend that you were on The Tonight Show and you were a guest and you're like, I don't like being in the end of that port-a-potty. | ||
| People would be like, oh! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Did he really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That woman was just trying to go to the restroom. | |
| You think that's funny? | ||
| It's crazy what's happening. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I've noticed it a little bit in stand-up lately. | ||
| There's been a couple of these road trips. | ||
| I did something that you told me not to do, Joe Rogan. | ||
| You ready for this? | ||
| You told me not to do it years ago, and I did it. | ||
| And it was rough. | ||
| And I performed stand-up comedy in Connecticut. | ||
| Was I right? | ||
| You were right, dude. | ||
| I told you! | ||
| It's a place of despair! | ||
| It's really crazy. | ||
| So one of the things that happened was, is I noticed this really cool old guy stood out in the front middle of the audience, right? | ||
| And I'm like, you seem like out of place and cool as hell and old as fuck. | ||
| What's your story, dude? | ||
| Right? | ||
| And I noticed that there's this angry older lady, almost like Dana Carvey's church lady character sitting next to him. | ||
| And I go, and who's this angry lady that you're sitting next to? | ||
| She doesn't want to be here at all! | ||
| And he goes, that's my wife! | ||
| And they were the most... | ||
| Different seeming couple you could ever imagine. | ||
| This happy, smiling, laughing at everything guy and just this... | ||
| I mean, she was looking at me with hate. | ||
| Not just not having fun. | ||
| She hated me. | ||
| It could have been something that I talked about early on. | ||
| Maybe it was like a something about... | ||
| Probably your Amy Schumer joke. | ||
| Could have been that. | ||
| Could have been my Me Too joke. | ||
| Could have been my Trump misdirect joke that people... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| And... | ||
| But I noticed next to them, there's this girl who seems even angrier than the mom. | ||
| And they're the only two angry people in the room. | ||
| And it's a gig at a casino in Connecticut. | ||
| Give me her face. | ||
| Just literally. | ||
| Literally, a modern day, if someone said to a bad actress, play angry, play angry, angrier, angrier, to a horrible actress, like that. | ||
| And I go, what's the problem? | ||
| I ignore it for like 45 minutes, right? | ||
| And I'm going on and on, but the mom's angry. | ||
| It turns out that the chick next to them is the daughter. | ||
| And they're basically mad because of whatever, whatever material or whatever. | ||
| And I end up, towards the end of my set, going off on the girl. | ||
| I go, take the scowl off your face. | ||
| I go, what are you doing? | ||
| Do you think that's going to affect me? | ||
| Lady, I'm getting paid the same amount whether you laugh or not. | ||
| And I'm back to L.A., back! | ||
| Back to the dream tomorrow! | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, at this point, I'm just... | ||
| My fans are loving it, and they're the ones that stumbled into the wrong casino for the wrong show at the wrong time if they were looking for Christian puppet comedy or whatever. | ||
| And I said to her... | ||
| I go, you seem like an internet troll that just stumbled in here. | ||
| You seem like you're going to write about this. | ||
| You seem like the type of angry where you think you're going to change something or you're going to do something to my career. | ||
| That's the vibe I get from you. | ||
| I literally made the jokes. | ||
| The crowd's loving it, by the way. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because they can tell, like... | ||
| Is she saying anything to you, or is she just staring at you? | ||
| There was one part where I go... | ||
| I go... | ||
| Because my goal... | ||
| The thing that... | ||
| The reason why I ignored them for a while was because I go, you seem like a tough lady to the mom, right? | ||
| I go, you seem tough, but I'm going to break you at some point during this set. | ||
| And when I do, I'm going to make sure this whole room knows. | ||
| I'm going to say, I gotcha. | ||
| And I'm not going to tell you when it's going to happen, but I'm going to make you laugh. | ||
| Anyway, 45 minutes later, I get to the point to where I had in my mind set up that there's no way she's not going to laugh at this. | ||
| And sure enough, I got a big smile out of her, right? | ||
| I won't say what the joke is. | ||
| I don't want to give anything away. | ||
| But I got the smile. | ||
| And I'm literally like... | ||
| And the whole crowd's already laughing. | ||
| And they can tell that I'm looking to watch to see if the lady breaks. | ||
| And she doesn't. | ||
| And I go, how in the... | ||
| I thought I was going to get you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought... | |
| I thought I was going to get you on that one. | ||
| How is it possible that you don't laugh at that? | ||
| Like, what do you do for fun, lady? | ||
| Like, at this point, I'm just all amped up. | ||
| And I go, what would I have to do to possibly make you laugh? | ||
| And that's finally when the angry daughter goes... | ||
| Be funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go, oh no! | |
| I've been killing for 52 minutes now! | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| At this point, whatever. | ||
| The 99.9% of the other audience is the witness at this point, and they're against this chick, right? | ||
| Because this chick's now just mad because whatever. | ||
| And I go, you seem like the type of girl that thinks that you can even affect An artist. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| This is this little millennial, nerdy girl. | ||
| And sure enough, sure enough, I go on Twitter later that night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
At Mohegan Sun, you should not be promoting this comedian. | |
| Two days later, my manager gets an email. | ||
| And he's like, dude, we got this email from some lady in Connecticut that said you were mean to her on stage. | ||
| I'm like, she wrote you a letter? | ||
| He's like, it's three paragraphs long. | ||
| I'm like, what is happening? | ||
| Like, I mean, what is happening in this world where someone's taking the time to write a letter to my manager, of all people, who, by the way, is laughing at the whole thing? | ||
| Imagine if your manager dumped you for that. | ||
| Enough. | ||
| Right. | ||
| One audience member in Connecticut. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We polled the crowd. | ||
| 99% thought you were funny, but that's not good enough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We need 100%. | ||
| But man, you were right, dude. | ||
| Connecticut is weird. | ||
| It's a weird place. | ||
| You could run into a person like that anywhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I've run into people like that at the store. | ||
| They sit in the front row with their arms crossed. | ||
| You're going to run into people like that everywhere. | ||
| But there's something about Connecticut where there's no real cities. | ||
| You've got Hartford, which is a land of despair. | ||
| And you've got New Haven, which is worse. | ||
| And it's just a highway between Boston and New York. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Boston's great. | ||
| New York's great. | ||
| Connecticut's like, what the fuck are you doing here? | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| It's become such a running joke that Lex Friedman, the scientist from MIT who's on here the other day to talk about artificial intelligence, he brought it up as a joke. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| Do you remember what he said? | ||
| Something about... | ||
| I feel like he just wanted you to shit on it. | ||
| I don't remember exactly what he said. | ||
| Dude, I did so many gigs in Connecticut. | ||
| So many. | ||
| So many. | ||
| Because I lived in Boston and it was like an hour and a half drive. | ||
| Two hour drive. | ||
| You're in Connecticut. | ||
| We did a lot of gigs there, Greg Fitzsimmons and I. We did a shit ton of gigs in Connecticut. | ||
| We'd always leave going, what the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, what was that? | ||
| It was. | ||
| Some of them were good. | ||
| It felt dirty. | ||
| It's a gig I did purely for the money. | ||
| Some of them are good. | ||
| My good friend Tommy Jr. lives in Connecticut. | ||
| Those are good people in Connecticut. | ||
| It's not all bad. | ||
| But it's disproportionately bad. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| It's not that everyone in Connecticut is full of despair. | ||
| No. | ||
| There's a lot of people that live in, like, Hartford. | ||
| Not Hartford, but what's that area outside of New York City where all the rich people live? | ||
| Greenwich. | ||
| That's where Vince McMahon lives. | ||
| Super rich. | ||
| Like, estates. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, David Letterman has a spot out there. | ||
| I mean, like, you gotta drive, like, a mile to get to the property down their driveway. | ||
| The driveway's like a mile of, like, manicured lawns. | ||
| They have those Great Gatsby-type residences there. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| A lot of pills. | ||
| A lot of people pilled up. | ||
| Yeah, look at these joints. | ||
| They're just the average houses, I guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Look at these joints. | ||
| That's not real, but it's being built. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Those are the apartment building, dude. | ||
| Let me see a house. | ||
| Let me see a house. | ||
| See, that's a house. | ||
| That's a Connecticut house. | ||
| Dude, there's insane amounts of finance money. | ||
| Like, that's Great Gatsby type shit. | ||
| Did you ever read The Great Gatsby? | ||
| I watched the movie. | ||
| I was supposed to read the book as a student. | ||
| The DiCaprio movie is actually pretty fucking good. | ||
| Yeah, really good. | ||
| Great soundtrack, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it was weird, too, because, like, they took artistic license with, like, the way the automobiles worked and moved, and there was, like, a lot of flair to it that made it exciting. | ||
| Beautiful movie. | ||
| One of those ones where you gotta turn out the lights, make sure your color on your TV's right, and turn up the sound. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's that area. | ||
| That area of Connecticut is just unbelievably wealthy. | ||
| That area of Connecticut, and there's another area that's similar to that in Long Island, like that's the Hamptons. | ||
| The Hamptons in Long Island is all just insane wealth. | ||
| Just like Matt Lauer has a house out there that's like $16 million from all that Today Show money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holla! | |
| Man. | ||
| He's doing it. | ||
| What is he going to do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you think that guy can make a comeback? | |
| I think... | ||
| No, I think... | ||
| No, I think he's going to be selling things any day now. | ||
| Like how Larry King now sells things on late night TV. You ever see that? | ||
| What is he selling? | ||
| Larry King's slinging fake products and stuff. | ||
| Larry King sells a show, so it's sort of a mixture of an advertisement... | ||
| Is this show on television or is it on the internet? | ||
| I think it's on the internet. | ||
| Seguro was just on it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm talking about the... | ||
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
| The TV that looks like a TV show, but it's not a TV show. | ||
| It's really just a... | ||
| He's asking questions like he used to do, but it's just some guy like, yes, and another thing my prostate medicine can do. | ||
| Oh, right, right, right. | ||
| It's on the same set, that's why I'm saying that, I guess. | ||
| Here's the set of his show. | ||
| It's on Aura TV, but he shoots those commercials on that wooden background set. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So they just have a similar setup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Who's that girl in the upper right-hand corner? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Trixie Mattel. | ||
| What? | ||
| What in the hell am I watching? | ||
| Fame drag queen. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Go full screen, please. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Look at her eyes. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait a minute. | |
| What's going on there with the eyes? | ||
| I'm confused. | ||
| Lots of tense makeup. | ||
| But wait a minute. | ||
| Where are her actual eyes? | ||
| Somewhere. | ||
| Woah. | ||
| That's a drag queen? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She drew on extra lashes or something. | ||
| Yeah, but she also drew white underneath the eyes. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| And then black underneath. | ||
| Oh my god, that's insanity. | ||
| Those are the craziest eyes I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| And the eyebrows going way up. | ||
| Yeah, well, the black... | ||
| Triangles in the corners of the eyes, too. | ||
| That is the nuttiest makeup. | ||
| And look at the cheekbones, like how sculpted it is, where it has an abrupt line before the lower jaw. | ||
| It's like it's spray painted with a box. | ||
| She's like an insane person. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Larry King's just trying to play it cool. | ||
| He can't even tell. | ||
| He's so blind. | ||
| He doesn't even know what he's looking at. | ||
| You look great. | ||
| Makeup's lovely. | ||
| So how long have you been a man? | ||
| I'm a woman! | ||
| I mean, how long have you been a woman? | ||
| I've always been a woman! | ||
| Oh yeah, yeah. | ||
| I forgot. | ||
| He was born in the 1900s, man. | ||
| He didn't know shit back then. | ||
| Larry King's watched it all happen, man. | ||
| Dude, Larry King went to the pokey. | ||
| The what? | ||
| The pokey. | ||
| The jail. | ||
| Larry King went to jail, son. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, there she is. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Whoa, look at that eye makeup, man. | ||
| God, she looks like a Pink Floyd album cover. | ||
| How is that even real? | ||
| But she's got a signature look, though. | ||
| I'll tell you that. | ||
| That's her look. | ||
| She wears all these pictures. | ||
| That triangle thing. | ||
| I'm scared to have her in here. | ||
| What does she look like without makeup? | ||
| Okay, right there. | ||
| What does she look like? | ||
| What do you think she looks like? | ||
| Probably like me. | ||
| Probably better looking than you. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Look into the camera, Tony. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let me see. | |
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Picture me with cat eyes. | ||
| They're not cat eyes. | ||
| If that was a cat, I'd shoot it right in the fucking head. | ||
| That's an evil cat. | ||
| What did Larry King go to jail for? | ||
| Went to jail for something. | ||
| It's a crazy... | ||
| It looks like he's all coked up in his mugshot photo. | ||
| He looks like a wild man. | ||
| Grand larceny. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, look at him. | ||
| What is grand larceny? | ||
| Something bad. | ||
| Is that like money laundering? | ||
| Larry King was into some Ozark shit? | ||
| Tell me he doesn't look coked out of his mind. | ||
| Fucking Miami. | ||
| These whores. | ||
| God. | ||
| These whores, they had it coming. | ||
| Look at his sideburns. | ||
| He looks fucking amazing. | ||
| 1971. Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Baller. | ||
| Dude, I was four years old. | ||
| Larry King's getting arrested. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Find out what he got arrested for. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| Unable to pay back money he owned. | ||
| Oh, that's it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| He owed a financier he was doing some work for where the judge threw out the larceny charge because the statute of limitations run out. | ||
| King pled no contest to one count of passing bad checks. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| It's not that bad. | ||
| Dade County, Florida. | ||
| Look how cool that shirt is, by the way. | ||
| They just don't make shirts like that. | ||
| Look, that's just white circles on a black-collared shirt. | ||
| You can get those from MeUndies. | ||
| They probably have shirts like that. | ||
| Could be blue. | ||
| Does MeUndies do shirts? | ||
| They do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah, they have lounge pants now and bralettes. | ||
| What's the promo code I should use? | ||
| It's Rogan. | ||
| MeUndies.com forward slash Rogan. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Everybody was doing coke back then. | ||
| I gotta assume Larry King was on coke. | ||
| You've seen cocaine cowboys, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking amazing. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Amazing documentary. | ||
| One and two. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| When you just realize what... | ||
| Because you could be, especially if you're living in Ohio like you were, or out here in Los Angeles, you might not know the history of cocaine in Miami. | ||
| You might not know how fucking insane it was until you watch that documentary and you just go, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or Narcos, or really, you know... | ||
| Narcos is good, but it's a lot of it is about another country. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, Cocaine Cowboys is almost all about America. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's one part of Cooking Cowboys that I'll never forget where they said that the entire graduating class of the police academy was either murdered or went to jail. | ||
| Jeez. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They were all corrupt. | ||
| Everybody was doing coke. | ||
| There's more banks per capita in Miami, at least at the time, than anywhere else in the country, and it was all money laundering. | ||
| That's all it was. | ||
| Fucking hell. | ||
| My friend Steve Graham was going to school in Miami back then. | ||
| He was doing his residency in Miami. | ||
| He's an ophthalmologist, and he was there during the cocaine violence years. | ||
| So he was doing his residency, do emergency room work. | ||
| So he was there, people, bullet holes and fucking brains exploded. | ||
| He said it was crazy the amount of violence that you would see. | ||
| Just every night, people with bullet holes and gunshot wounds and knife wounds and fucking attacked with barbed wire and chaos. | ||
| And a lot of people with things up their ass. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| All kinds of things. | ||
| Light bulbs. | ||
| You know those twisty light bulbs? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They look like a pine cone? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Up the ass. | ||
| Can't get it out. | ||
| Why would, uh... | ||
| Why wouldn't they? | ||
| Why light bulbs? | ||
| Because it's warm. | ||
| Lube it up. | ||
| Shove it in there. | ||
| Start beating off. | ||
| Can't get it out. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Better get to the doctor. | ||
| How do you... | ||
| Well, drive slow. | ||
| I'll put my ass out the window. | ||
| I don't know, but he told me that that was one of the things they pulled out of a guy's ass. | ||
| A lightbulb. | ||
| One of them twisty lightbulbs. | ||
| Other things too, like G.I. Joe dolls, shit like that. | ||
| That's what happens when you have a bad idea. | ||
| A lightbulb appears in your asshole. | ||
| Instead of over your head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| That would be actually really fun. | ||
| A really fun thing in a movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like a cartoon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| I got a great idea. | ||
| I got a shitty idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Yeah, thank god we're not doctors, huh? | ||
| Yeah, seriously. | ||
| You know how morose you would get every day you're dealing with people dying? | ||
| They just get too comfortable with it. | ||
| And you have to save them no matter what. | ||
| I was reading last night about the Jewish doctor who had the shooter of the temple in Pittsburgh. | ||
| He had to save his life. | ||
| He had to make sure that he's okay. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Sometimes you're just helping horrible human beings that just slaughtered some of your own people. | ||
| Now you're a Jewish doctor having to fix the guy. | ||
| Now in our world, Tarantino world, we like to think that, oh... | ||
| Oh, so sorry to accidentally. | ||
| Oh, it appears as though I haven't given you the right medicine. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But in real life, they have to just stitch him up and, you know. | ||
| Well, it also, I mean, that guy probably has a record in terms of, like, his success ratio. | ||
| He doesn't want to fuck it up for some asshole. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Yeah, it seems like being a doctor... | ||
| Would be very very hard like as a Mentally, it seems like racking up those losses and such a lack of control the human body EMT workers too. | ||
| Yeah, same kind of deal a buddy of mine told me Never date a female EMT worker. | ||
| I go why and he goes they're crazy He goes they've seen so much violence. | ||
| They just fuck everyone. | ||
| I go what and he goes Yeah, this is a bunch of female EMT workers that they work with. | ||
| They're just banging everybody. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| It's not Every EMT female worker is just my asshole friend who's telling me this based on his very limited polling. | ||
| But my thought on it is, can you imagine how fleeting you would feel that life is if every day you're seeing people die? | ||
| Every day, you're dealing with car accidents. | ||
| You're showing up. | ||
| People's brains are splattered all over the highway. | ||
| Their legs are ripped off. | ||
| They've been run over by trucks every day, all day long. | ||
| And this is what he said. | ||
| He goes, first of all, no one's supposed to see that much death. | ||
| He goes, if you see that much death, it rewires the way your brain works. | ||
| He goes, you're supposed to see that very rarely, very rarely in life. | ||
| But we see it every day. | ||
| It's like something goes wrong. | ||
| And he goes, it's been my experience that some of these women, where that goes wrong, they're just wild. | ||
| They just fuck everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| I go, why do you think they're doing that? | ||
| He's like, they're distracting themselves. | ||
| Trying to distract themselves from the violence. | ||
| Again, this is one asshole friend. | ||
| If you're listening to this, you're like, fuck Tony Hinchcliffe and Joe Rogan. | ||
| I can't believe you brought that up. | ||
| I'm an EMT worker. | ||
| I'm a mom. | ||
| I'm a great person. | ||
| I'm sure you are, ma'am. | ||
| I'm not talking about you. | ||
| But you used to fuck like an animal and you know it. | ||
| That's how those babies were made. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| How dare you. | ||
| It seems to make sense to me that female EMTs would be pretty horned up. | ||
| Cops, too. | ||
| Oh, for sure cops. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I watched a porno the other day. | ||
| Two female cops getting banged by the black guy they were supposed to arrest. | ||
| Of course that happens. | ||
| It must happen. | ||
| It happens with guards in jail. | ||
| Female guards. | ||
| Remember those guys that escaped? | ||
| One of them was banging the guard in upstate New York. | ||
| They flew to Canada. | ||
| They fleed to Canada. | ||
| Some fugly-looking female guard. | ||
| The dude was throwing dick her way. | ||
| The guard left with the prisoner? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Didn't she bring him the stuff to help him break out, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like the hacksaw or some shit? | ||
| Yeah, and then she turned herself in. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| She couldn't handle it anymore when the fucking... | ||
| The alarms were going off and the manhunt was underway. | ||
| Like, how did he get out? | ||
| She's like, I fucked him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Imagine that. | ||
| You're a prisoner. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| I can't help it. | ||
| Joyce Mitchell denied parole after helping killer inmates escape New York prison. | ||
| She's going to jail herself. | ||
| That's the look of a lady that messed up after getting good dick. | ||
| There was a guy I used to spar with who was a security guard at jail, and that was fucking with his head, too. | ||
| He was just telling me about what the experience was like. | ||
| Like every day, you're just always dealing with these fucking people that they're never getting out of there. | ||
| Like he was in a maximum security penitentiary. | ||
| It's like they're never getting out of there. | ||
| Every day you're just dealing with horrible people in terrible circumstances and they know that you get to leave. | ||
| They know you get to leave. | ||
| But you're living with them most of the day. | ||
| He goes, yeah, I'm not a prisoner. | ||
| He goes, but my environment is surrounded by these people. | ||
| He's like, that affects you. | ||
| It's like, I never thought about it that way. | ||
| I always thought the guards have it okay. | ||
| It's just a job. | ||
| Whereas the inmates, you know, well, those poor bastards are stuck in there. | ||
| Well, you're in there with them for eight hours a day. | ||
| Most of the time, you're not controlling them. | ||
| Most of the time, you're just coexisting. | ||
| Yeah, who's behind the bars? | ||
| Which way is behind, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| They're in a cell with a hallway filled with bars. | ||
| People, one person on the other side of each bar. | ||
| So are they. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Same exact thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then they're wearing body armor and fucking they have clubs and they're always terrified that a riot's gonna break out. | ||
| You saw Whitey Bulger got killed? | ||
| He did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When? | |
| Yesterday in prison. | ||
| They transferred him in like first day. | ||
| First day. | ||
| Pull that story up. | ||
| A guy that hates rats killed him. | ||
| An Italian guy or like a gangster guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yep. | ||
| I read the guy is obsessed with hating rats and hating people that beat women. | ||
| And I guess Whitey killed women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So this guy, the first chance he got killed. | ||
| Whitey Bulger met a violent end after a lifetime of brutality. | ||
| They tried to pull his eyes out of his skull. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| I don't know if they were successful or not. | ||
| The thing I read didn't make it clear. | ||
| Hold on, make that larger so I can read that. | ||
| It doesn't really say much about it. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| In a three-foot grave near a river not far from Boston, Pat McGonagall's body laid decaying, undisturbed, until his remains were found 20 years later. | ||
| Part of his pelvic bone, a fractured skull, and a decomposed brain matter. | ||
| It's all about the past. | ||
| All the different things that he's done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, he was a horrible fucking killer. | ||
| West Virginia, the day after he transferred. | ||
| You know, I used to train a guy that was one of his fucking mob henchmen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A guy said to me once, he goes, if you were going to kill somebody, how would you kill them? | |
| I was like, with my bare hands? | ||
| He goes, yeah. | ||
| I go, I probably hit him in the neck. | ||
| I was like, yeah. | ||
| I was like, okay. | ||
| See, it's not scary until you find out that's the end of the conversation. | ||
| I was 19 at the time, and I was teaching Taekwondo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And I was teaching this guy who, he was friends with a friend of mine who absolutely worked for Whitey Bulger, who wound up going to jail. | ||
| And they told me that this guy used to whack people. | ||
| I was like, oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| And I was teaching him Taekwondo. | ||
| He was very serious. | ||
| He was very intense. | ||
| I was very aware that there was something different about him. | ||
| I was very aware. | ||
| He wasn't just a guy that was learning for exercise or self-defense, wanted to take a little classes, learn a little martial arts. | ||
| He was going to use it. | ||
| Like, he was a guy that was, in case he needed to use it. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, there's a mindset of someone who just wants to get better at a martial art, and there's a mindset of someone who's thinking about, okay, it's gonna come down, I'm gonna fucking get him right there! | ||
| Okay, and I'm gonna get him right there! | ||
| That guy was, like, when he would practice, there was a certain amount of focus and intensity that he had that was palpable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Mobsters need to get better at that type of stuff. | ||
| You ever see, remember De Niro's kicks in Goodfellas? | ||
| Those just sloppy, those straight down, just mutt. | ||
| What's this? | ||
| Whitey Bulger's fader present? | ||
| Suspect that did it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was unrecognizable. | ||
| That's the guy who did it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here's the quote of, uh, bam, right there. | |
| Mr. Bulger's eyes appeared to have been dislodged from his head, although it was unclear whether his attackers gouged him out or they were knocked out because he was beaten so severely in the attack. | ||
| This information was relayed by a senior law enforcement official who oversees organized crime cases. | ||
| Oh, that's what it was. | ||
| It was a padlock stuffed inside a sock. | ||
| Oh, that's what they beat him with? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And they also pulled his eyes out of his head. | ||
| At least in part with a padlock that was stuffed inside of a sock. | ||
| At least two inmates were quickly sent to solitary confinement after Mr. Bulger was found. | ||
| According to three employees of the Federal Bureau of Prisons. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, couldn't happen to a nicer guy. | ||
| Whitey Bulger. | ||
| Do you know he won the lottery twice? | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Damn. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Scam. | ||
| I mean, that was how he would show his income. | ||
| So someone else would win the lottery, and they would come to him. | ||
| And he would give them the money, and they would give him the lottery ticket, and he'd be like, look, I won the lottery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's how I'm rich. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's dark. | ||
| Like, they probably would find the person who won the lottery. | ||
| You know, they chased Dana White out of town. | ||
| Do you know that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they wanted money. | ||
| They wanted payment from Dana White. | ||
| And Dana White got beaten up by them so severely that he had, like, tinnitus in his ears. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He had a jet out of town. | ||
| He moved to Vegas. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they wanted a cut of the UFC. No, it wasn't the UFC. There was no UFC back then. | ||
| He was like a boxing trainer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I forget what he was doing, whether he was running a gym, but he had to leave town because of the mob. | ||
| That's why he left Boston. | ||
| Yeah, it was real, man. | ||
| I mean, this was all... | ||
| When I was a kid... | ||
| I mean, I got seriously into Taekwondo in 1982. That's when it became, like, 81, 82. That's when it really became, like, my whole life. | ||
| And that's right around the time where all that shit was going on. | ||
| And then in 1988, I became friends with a comedian who was... | ||
| His brother went to jail for being a part of Whitey Bulger's mob. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it was like everybody knew somebody who was in some way connected to the mob. | ||
| In some way, you know? | ||
| There's one dude. | ||
| Wanna hear a crazy story? | ||
| There's one guy. | ||
| He's dead now. | ||
| I could talk about him. | ||
| His name is Richie. | ||
| And he went to jail while I knew him. | ||
| He was arrested for a murder that I don't think they ever got him on. | ||
| But this person who was killed wasn't just killed. | ||
| They broke every bone in his body with a hammer and kept injecting him with cocaine to keep him awake. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he would black out from the pain and they would inject him with cocaine to wake him back up again. | ||
| And then they would break another bone. | ||
| They were breaking all of his bones with a hammer. | ||
| They cut his hands off, cut his head off. | ||
| They cut everything off. | ||
| And then when they found, you know, this broken heap of a body, he was somehow connected to this guy that I knew who sold coke. | ||
| And this guy had gone to jail and I knew him before he went to jail. | ||
| He was another guy from Taekwondo. | ||
| I knew him before he went to jail. | ||
| He was one person. | ||
| He was a young guy. | ||
| I was, I think when he went to jail, I was 16 and I think he was 20. And then when he got out of jail, It was... | ||
| I was 20, and he was 24. And he had scars all over his body where he tried to, like, sand off his tattoos. | ||
| He had tattoos all over his arms. | ||
| And I don't know what the tattoos were, whether they were racist or whether he just didn't want them anymore. | ||
| But he had, like, either acid burns or scars. | ||
| Like, however the fuck he tried to get the tattoos off, all over his arms. | ||
| Like, his arms are covered in scars. | ||
| And, um... | ||
| He wasn't good. | ||
| He wasn't like a talented martial artist, but he was insanely tough, like insanely aggressive and insanely tough. | ||
| And when you sparred him, you were fighting for your life, for your life. | ||
| He would come at me and try to fucking kill me. | ||
| I mean fucking kill you. | ||
| Throwing looping punches with every fucking ounce of his being. | ||
| And I'm moving around and I'm like, oh, we're fighting to the death here. | ||
| We're fighting. | ||
| This is not sparring. | ||
| We only sparred a couple of times before this, but... | ||
| One time he had me cornered. | ||
| He trapped me in a corner and hit me with a fucking bomb on the top of my head. | ||
| Just boom! | ||
| Like as hard as he could punch. | ||
| He was a strong guy. | ||
| He was quite a bit bigger than me too. | ||
| Irish guy? | ||
| I think he was Italian. | ||
| And I kicked him in the head so hard it broke his cheek, like his cheek shifted over. | ||
| His face, I wheel kicked him, so I hit him with my heel in his face and he dropped down, he collapsed, went down to his, like, went down like face first, got up on his all fours, got back up again, wanted to keep going. | ||
| And I said, I go, Richie, I go, you gotta look in the mirror. | ||
| I go, come look in the mirror. | ||
| And he's like, oh, fuck. | ||
| I go, yeah, you can't spar anymore, dude. | ||
| He wanted to kill me. | ||
| He wanted to keep going. | ||
| He wanted to keep going. | ||
| After I basically kicked his face in half. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| I hit him so hard. | ||
| It wasn't a sparring session. | ||
| It was an I'm trying to kill you, you're trying to kill me session. | ||
| And I remember setting him up, setting him up, setting him up. | ||
| BOOM! And I hit him with that thing and he face planted. | ||
| Most people would have just went out. | ||
| But he was so angry and so mean. | ||
| He was trying to get up. | ||
| It's fucking scary. | ||
| But that was the last time I sparred with him. | ||
| I'm like, we're not sparring anymore, dude. | ||
| I'm not fighting to death with some guy who I'm kind of friendly with. | ||
| I was friendly with him other than that. | ||
| Like, you would never guess. | ||
| Remember one time we went out? | ||
| It was me and him and these two girls, and they were like real weird, right? | ||
| And this one girl was like, Richie, when are we going to get this stuff? | ||
| I go, what stuff are you going to get? | ||
| And she's like, he's going to get us some coke. | ||
| I go, you don't want any coke. | ||
| She goes, fuck you! | ||
| I was trying to tell her she doesn't want coke. | ||
| She's like, that's why I'm here! | ||
| That's why I'm hanging out with this guy, stupid. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| It was one of the rare times I hung out with him outside of the gym. | ||
| He told me a story about how he had to fight off these guys with a broomstick in jail and how he's beating these guys to death with a broomstick. | ||
| There's a horrible story about him being forced to mop up something in the bathroom and these guys cornered him and he's just fucking attacking them with this broomstick and about how he got extra time for that. | ||
| I forget what he went to jail for. | ||
| I assume it was probably drug-related. | ||
| I don't remember what it was, but I remember just being so nervous about being connected to people like that, like knowing people like that from the gym. | ||
| Because there was people like that that always wanted to learn how to fight. | ||
| Because you're teaching martial arts, you're training, those guys would always come in. | ||
| Whenever it was time to spar, Scary times. | ||
| There was no pulling back. | ||
| If you were sparring with some friends, like I was sparring with my friend Leroy Rodriguez, a good friend of mine who was fast as lightning. | ||
| This Puerto Rican guy was a bad motherfucker. | ||
| But he would not hurt me. | ||
| We would spar. | ||
| We would go hard, but he would hold back from hurting you. | ||
| You could trust certain people. | ||
| When you were sparring, you knew it was just sparring. | ||
| There was other people. | ||
| It was to the death. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was to the death. | |
| Terrible. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Not only that, we did it over a fucking thin office carpet on top of concrete. | ||
| It was just office carpet on top of concrete, so when people would fall, their head would bounce off the concrete. | ||
| Oh, fuck that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was horrible. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| That's the 80s, bro. | ||
| Shit was different. | ||
| Jeez Louise. | ||
| No good, man. | ||
| It was so terrible. | ||
| So terrible back then, man. | ||
| People couldn't get concussions back then or something? | ||
| Oh, they got them. | ||
| They got a lot of them. | ||
| Yeah, I remember people getting them when they were just fucked up for months and months at a time. | ||
| You get that kind of a concussion when you bounce your head off the ground and then, you know... | ||
| Just the impact of something like that. | ||
| It's so devastating, man. | ||
| It's just so bad for you. | ||
| There's a great video. | ||
| Not great, but kind of crazy. | ||
| If you go to Saxon Muay Thai on Instagram, there's a video of these two guys fighting in the parking lot. | ||
| And one guy is obviously a trained fighter, and he's fighting these gangbangers. | ||
| And he leg kicks one of them and then punches him in the face. | ||
| And this other guy's going, oh, you think you're going to kick homeboy? | ||
| You think you're going to kick homeboy? | ||
| And he goes, come on, kick me, motherfucker. | ||
| And he takes a puff of his cigarette, and he takes his shirt off like he's going to fight. | ||
| He has no idea how to fight. | ||
| And he's decided he's going to fight this guy who knows how to fight. | ||
| And this guy leg kicks him. | ||
| Drops him to the ground, he gets up, the guy shoots a double, lifts his legs up in the air, and drops him on his head, and he just goes out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so... | ||
| There's something about watching someone's head bounce off concrete that is so fucking disturbing. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| It's sadder than anything else. | ||
| Saxon Muay Thai? | ||
| You didn't see it? | ||
| Maybe somebody pulled it. | ||
| Let me see it. | ||
| I once had a concussion in a... | ||
| Let me see the page. | ||
| Scroll down a little bit. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Go to the top again? | ||
| Yep, that's it. | ||
| Scroll down a little bit. | ||
| Yeah, somebody must have pulled it. | ||
| I got a concussion in a wrestling match one time. | ||
| Maybe I'm wrong. | ||
| Maybe it wasn't Saxon. | ||
| I threw up Rice Krispie Treats everywhere. | ||
| I was out. | ||
| I was unconscious and I was throwing up Rice Krispie Treats because I had loaded up on those after weigh-ins. | ||
| The weigh-ins were like an hour before the match. | ||
| I had a peanut butter and jelly. | ||
| Back then, they had just debuted. | ||
| It was like a new thing. | ||
| The pre-made, super-processed Rice Krispie Treats that would just come in individual packages. | ||
| And after cutting... | ||
| You know, my weight cuts were horrible, horrible, horrible. | ||
| And so, like, I would just be eyeballing all this food all week, you know what I mean? | ||
| And, like, I remember I'd be so excited, whatever you had, what you'd be so excited for. | ||
| And I was way too excited about this whole box of Rice Krispie treats that I had. | ||
| And I probably had, like, four or five right before the match. | ||
| And just... | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Out like a light. | ||
| Some dude got my head wrapped up in his legs like it was almost like a double chicken wing. | ||
| My chest was on the mat. | ||
| I think he got me in double chicken wings and started to walk around my head. | ||
| So that I rolled over. | ||
| But I'm really bridgey and agile and have a long neck that I can bridge up on. | ||
| So when I bridged up on my neck and he's just now there's nothing he can do, he took his leg and swooped it and figure four'd my head. | ||
| So now I'm in a figure four with my head and double chicken wings. | ||
| But then once he did that, I bridged up again. | ||
| The crowd, I remember sort of being like, ooh, you know what I mean? | ||
| It's like, you're not pinning me. | ||
| And then he did this thing where he just bucked back like a bull, and my head just right into the mat, out like a light. | ||
| I was taken off on a stretcher to the hospital, that wrestling match. | ||
| It's the only time that ever happened. | ||
| How quick after that did you go back to wrestling? | ||
| Oh, probably a week or two. | ||
| Yeah, isn't that funny? | ||
| Our assistant coach's son had just died. | ||
| So that night was dedicated to him because he showed up. | ||
| We weren't expecting him to be there. | ||
| How did his son die? | ||
| It was like leukemia or something like that. | ||
| And we weren't expecting him to be there. | ||
| Our head coach gave us one of those pep talks like, Coach Burton's coming tonight, and if he's coming after his son dies, then you motherfuckers better not give up! | ||
| It was one of those super crazy, beyond all of our human potential, which is probably why I ended up in that position in the first place, because I'm just bridging for everything, including my assistant coach's son's spirit and all of this, you know what I mean? | ||
| Better not give up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Oh, this is it. | ||
| This is the video. | ||
| Someone sent it to me on... | ||
| Oh, here it is. | ||
| It's on World Stock. | ||
| Boom, watch this. | ||
| He gets him with the leg kick, the guy gets up, and watch this. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Boom, strong leg kick. | ||
| Perfectly timed. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Oh. | ||
| Out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Go from the beginning, though. | ||
| It's long. | ||
| It's two minutes long. | ||
| Yeah, but the beginning you see how the fight starts. | ||
| So this guy, the guy's like, come on, motherfucker, you want some of this? | ||
| He's got his shirt off. | ||
| And the guy's like trying. | ||
| He's by himself. | ||
| And he's like, dope, we'll do one-on-one, one-on-one, one-on-one. | ||
| He fought another dude first. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, this guy. | ||
| This guy. | ||
| This is the guy he legs kicks. | ||
| And after he leg kicks this dude, the other guy says, come on. | ||
| That dude doesn't have a wife beater on. | ||
| Give me some volume on this. | ||
| Is it going to get taken down from you two? | ||
| I'm trying to keep it. | ||
| Oh, okay, okay. | ||
| You turn it down. | ||
| So the guy's like, come on, man. | ||
| So it's just one dude by himself with a bunch of other dudes, but he steps in. | ||
| This guy knows how to fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| Throwing a jab, and then watch this. | ||
| Leg kick. | ||
| Oh, so they were going at it for quite a bit first. | ||
| A whole different guy. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Yeah, but that's it right there. | ||
| Leg kick. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Then he cracks him. | ||
| And so then the guy's, like, realizing he's in trouble, and so he starts backing away, and the guy's coming forward. | ||
| He's like, come on, bitch. | ||
| And so then the other guy afterwards goes, oh, you think you got a leg kick? | ||
| Got a leg kick? | ||
| So he comes back. | ||
| He's, like, tired of this dude walking away from him, and he's like, I fucked this dude up with one punch, and he wants it back up. | ||
| And so this guy goes, you want a leg kick? | ||
| You want a leg kick? | ||
| Here right here Wanna kick home boy, why it takes out a pair of his sack Watch this he's like I'm gonna try you It takes a dragon with cigarette first and then takes his shirt off guys No idea how to fight which is hilarious fast Fat, not in shape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| Leg kick. | ||
| But people are so ridiculous with this idea that they think they know how to fight. | ||
| BANG! Out cold. | ||
| But that's dark, man. | ||
| The banging the head, the back of the head off the concrete is dark. | ||
| Yeah, that's memory. | ||
| He's gone. | ||
| That fast. | ||
| That's a lot gone. | ||
| A lot gone with your head. | ||
| That's why I used to always get mad at those movies where people would get pistol whipped and nothing would happen. | ||
| Wake up like... | ||
| Somebody who liked you would pistol whip you because they needed to shut your mouth. | ||
| You can fucking die easily. | ||
| Or like they're trying to get information out of him like, where's the money hidden? | ||
| It's like, well now I don't remember. | ||
| And then when they would wake up, they'd have no problems. | ||
| They'd just be fighting. | ||
| They'd have no problems. | ||
| No coordination issues. | ||
| Meanwhile, your equilibrium would be so fucked, your legs wouldn't work right. | ||
| Have you ever been knocked out other than that? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| No, I've been in a lot of fights, but I've never been knocked out. | ||
| Only that wrestling match did it. | ||
| When you find out how vulnerable you are, the human brain, the way it's positioned in the head, all it has to do is get hit and yanked around. | ||
| I think I have what they would call a good chin. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| I've taken some real pun. | ||
| At least when I was younger. | ||
| It's been a long time. | ||
| Actually, I took a good fucking solid headbutt about 10 years ago from one of my drunk comedian buddies. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a great video of this girl headbutting this guy unconscious outside of a bar. | ||
| You probably won't be able to find it. | ||
| But some guys fucking with her, and she's not big. | ||
| She's pretty small. | ||
| And she grabs this guy by the collar and just BANG! And the dude just crumples and drops to the ground. | ||
| Fucking awesome. | ||
| It's a real move, man. | ||
| This part right here, this is where people break their hands. | ||
| They break their hands on the top of the forehead all the time. | ||
| It's a super hard spot. | ||
| And if you smash someone on the jaw with that, that's one move that a chick actually can pull off. | ||
| If she really knows how to do it, grab someone's shirt and BANG! Yeah. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| I've headbutted people. | ||
| Have you? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I've never headbutted anybody in my whole life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I've had to. | ||
| Because, you know, I mean, where I grew up, it was just fights, fights, fights. | ||
| That was just the whole thing. | ||
| Youngstown, Ohio. | ||
| You're damn right. | ||
| Everybody was a boxer. | ||
| That's why all the boxers... | ||
| Were you with me when Kelly Pavlik showed up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| We all went out to dinner. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Matt Brown, too. | ||
| Bunch of Ohioans. | ||
| How cool is hanging out with Kelly Pavlik? | ||
| Dude, for someone from Youngstown, that's as cool as it gets. | ||
| I've hung out with Boom Boom. | ||
| I had to knock out Kelly for the trifecta, and that was amazing. | ||
| We had a spread the size of this table. | ||
| That wasn't just any meal. | ||
| That was everything. | ||
| It's like, what do you want? | ||
| Because everything's on the table right now. | ||
| Yeah, we ate a lot of good food. | ||
| That was fun. | ||
| That was after the Schottenstein, right? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Schottenstein? | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| Is that it right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You had it. | |
| Schottenstein. | ||
| That was fun, man. | ||
| That was a fun show. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Only show I've ever worn a football jersey on stage. | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
| That was so cool. | ||
| I fucking love Ohio. | ||
| I love Columbus. | ||
| Columbus is the anti-Connecticut. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| It's fun there, man! | ||
| The opposite of Connecticut. | ||
| I mean, people from Connecticut are like, why would I move to Columbus? | ||
| Just trust me. | ||
| Like, if I would have done that same show that I did in Connecticut, in Columbus, and there was a lady that looked that angry in the audience, one face looking at me, and I said, what are you so angry about? | ||
| She would answer the question. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| She would tell you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you shouldn't have said that about the Me Too. | |
| And then at least I'd be able to really, we'd go back and forth and I'd win her over. | ||
| But in Connecticut, they just stay staunch. | ||
| Oh, that's young Jamie's photograph. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Young Jamie, photographer extraordinaire. | ||
| Number 18 for the Ohio State Buckeyes. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| So what's going on with young Tony Hinchcliffe's career? | ||
| What's the latest? | ||
| I know you've been killing it with Kill Tony. | ||
| Kill Tony is on a whole nother level. | ||
| I've heard. | ||
| We're having a lot of fun. | ||
| It's a blast. | ||
| We're taking them all over the road. | ||
| The road shows are insane. | ||
| I heard that Toronto was insane. | ||
| Absolutely insane. | ||
| Absolutely insane. | ||
| We just did two shows in one night in San Francisco. | ||
| Kill Tony Mania. | ||
| Where'd you guys go? | ||
| Chaos. | ||
| Cobbs. | ||
| Two shows in one night on a Friday night. | ||
| Insanity. | ||
| The shows at home are crazy. | ||
| We have Whitney Cummings on Monday. | ||
| We have this new cool thing called the Apollo 13, which is this group of black people that come every Monday. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Basically, like, if any open-miker ever does, like, too racist of a joke, or if it's on the line or whatever, they're like, the judges, like, I'll, like, point to them, and it's like, uh, it's so funny. | ||
| We call them the Apollo 13, because I said that they're like, yeah, it's like they even have shirts made. | ||
| That's three of the members right there. | ||
| I love how you're always adding new elements and always mixing it up. | ||
| It is one of the best live podcast formats ever because it's so chaotic and you're guaranteed to either get good comedy or terrible comedy which equals great comedy. | ||
| Just to show you a span, this past Monday we started the show off with a former reality star that was horrible, right? | ||
| He wasn't funny. | ||
| He's been doing it 14 years, but he doesn't put any work into it. | ||
| No work ethic. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So it's like we roasted him and the crowd loves it because he's such an easily hateable guy. | ||
| And the last guy we pull out of the bucket comes out of the audience area wearing shorts. | ||
| And one of his legs is amputated. | ||
| He has like a prosthetic leg. | ||
| And he talks about how he nearly died six months ago in a motorcycle accident. | ||
| And he's a huge Kill Tony fan. | ||
| And this is his first time doing stand-up. | ||
| We find this out after he has a decent set for a minute. | ||
| It's his first time ever doing stand-up. | ||
| The show keeps him from being depressed. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So this wide span is what helps make it refillable like what you were saying. | ||
| And, you know, it's just so cool because we're basically, when it comes to that PC stuff that we were talking about earlier, like I don't know if there's many places where the vent for that, where you can get a real barometer. | ||
| Because, look, we have the Apollo 13, which they're called the Apollo 13 because it's like Showtime at the Apollo barometer. | ||
| but there's like 13 of them, so I call them the Apollo 13, this group of black people. | ||
| So, like, for example, a few weeks ago, this one kid, like, it doesn't even seem like he's 21, closes on this horrible joke about Kanye, somebody needs to throw Kanye a banana or something like that in the whole place. | ||
| The whole place is in chaos, groaning, and the Apollo 13's standing up like, oh, hell no! | ||
| And it's like, you know, since it's such a live show, that's sort of like... | ||
| You know, if you make a racist joke that's not funny, you're gonna die, dude! | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's the worst type of... | ||
| Since there's a real live comedy crowd, you get a real good barometer for what's going on, and it makes it more exciting. | ||
| It's just so fun, what we're doing. | ||
| Keeping it refillable, like what you said. | ||
| Finding new ways to tweak it here and there. | ||
| Well, every time I go, I do it once every six months or something. | ||
| There's always a new element. | ||
| There's always something new. | ||
| And the fact that the background guys like Jeremiah and all those guys change outfits all the time and they're constantly doing new things. | ||
| It's just a ridiculous show. | ||
| And that's the king. | ||
| Dom Herrera is the fucking king. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| He is so good at that shit. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Everybody's smiling but Red Band. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him. | |
| It's all sad. | ||
| So serious. | ||
| Someone stole his dog. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Dom Herrera is the king of that shit, though. | ||
| He really is. | ||
| He's so good at it. | ||
| He really is. | ||
| He did this thing a couple weeks ago where he said to a guy, he's like, I like how you don't try to do that whole funny thing. | ||
| Everybody else tries these punchlines, these comedy things. | ||
| Not you. | ||
| Different path altogether. | ||
| He's so great at that. | ||
| He just says it like he's giving a big compliment. | ||
| Well, it's the new thing. | ||
| It's the Hannah Gadsby path. | ||
| A lot of people are doing anti-comedy. | ||
| Catch up, Tony. | ||
| Yeah, I guess I will. | ||
| Fucking cisgendered white male piece of shit. | ||
| I'm the bad guy. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| But yeah, just doing a lot of stand-up, ramping up to hopefully make another special soon, and I feel good about things. | ||
| So we'll see what happens. | ||
| Life is good. | ||
| I'm pumped. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good to hear. | ||
| It's gonna be a naughty special, when and if it happens. | ||
| Naughty? | ||
| It's not gonna be like Nanette. | ||
| You're gonna be naughty? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| We're going to talk about some things. | ||
| Are you planning on being naughty or are you just naughty all the time? | ||
| It's modern day naughtiness, man. | ||
| Late night naughtiness. | ||
| Built in the darkness of the comedy store. | ||
| I think this is a good time for comedy. | ||
| A lot of people are complaining about comedy right now. | ||
| They think somehow or another this is a bad time for comedy. | ||
| But Ari Shafir said it best. | ||
| He said, you know what's good about comedy right now? | ||
| Comedy is dangerous. | ||
| There's real consequences to saying fucked up things. | ||
| Oh, I agree 100%. | ||
| And it makes us... | ||
| Some comedians are leaning towards it, right? | ||
| Like, I don't want to talk about that. | ||
| I don't want to talk about that. | ||
| I don't want to talk about that. | ||
| And they're losing the fun because all of a sudden I get up there. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You have the whole... | ||
| All of a sudden, you're touching the untouchable. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Ari is exactly right. | ||
| It's also... | ||
| There's fun in explaining yourself. | ||
| There's fun in navigating the waters. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, this is one of the things that I've made sure that I did. | ||
| I thought very... | ||
| I thought out very thoroughly when I did Strange Times, my last special. | ||
| I wanted to make sure I really thought out how I can pull these bits off and how I can make them... | ||
| Doug Stanhope said it best. | ||
| He said he looks at his material like a defense attorney. | ||
| As if he's defending his material. | ||
| That's a great way to look at it. | ||
| I look at my material like I'm a hater. | ||
| If I was a hater, how would I poke fun at that? | ||
| If I was someone who's looking to be offended, how would I... Get that out of the way. | ||
| Like, there were some bits that I did in the last one, in Triggered, that I changed a lot of what they were from the beginning to when I put them on film. | ||
| Because of the way audience members were reacting, I was like, well, clearly I'm having a problem with this where they're not... | ||
| I'm not even getting to the switch. | ||
| I'm not getting to the misdirect because they're upset before I get to the misdirect. | ||
| I'm not... | ||
| It'll be fine if they let me get to the end, but sometimes they would heckle or they would get upset, like one lady at the Comedy Store. | ||
| I had explained to her twice. | ||
| I go, listen, I'm saying it like this because I'm going to shit on myself afterwards. | ||
| This is what I'm saying, and this is what... | ||
| It was a bit about... | ||
| You remember that bit I used to do about... | ||
| Women can do everything men can do. | ||
| That's not true because men can't do everything some men can do. | ||
| That's why we have the Olympics. | ||
| Like the idea that everybody could do everything, that's ridiculous. | ||
| Because it was about the woman who guarded the White House. | ||
| I was like, I can't guard the White House. | ||
| You know how I know? | ||
| Because I met Shaquille O'Neal, and his dick is where my face is. | ||
| And I had explained to her, like, this is... | ||
| See, this is where I was gonna go with it. | ||
| If the White House is experiencing a Shaq attack, I'm the last guy to save the Earth. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| He's just too fucking big. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And I would... | ||
| I was trying to get to this, but I was... | ||
| This lady was getting upset at me before I was... | ||
| So I had to think. | ||
| I was like, okay. | ||
| If there's a drunk dummy, how do I keep the drunk dummy from popping off before I get to the misdirect? | ||
| So I had to restructure things, and I had to figure out a way to make it so that it's clear, and you just have to navigate the waters more carefully. | ||
| But you can still get just as much juice out of it, just as much comedy, and just as much shit that's forbidden, just as many taboo topics. | ||
| Just you have to be really clear. | ||
| You have to have good writing. | ||
| That's what's great about doing the clubs on the road before necessarily doing bigger venues or whatever, because you really can feel them. | ||
| You feel where those moments are. | ||
| Sometimes in a bigger venue, you're sort of taking a gamble. | ||
| You know what's going to get a laugh and what's not a laugh, but you can't really feel their... | ||
| You don't develop material in a big club. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, it's like a 10,000 seat room. | ||
| You don't develop material at like Air Canada Center, you know, the Scotiabank Arena that we went to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't develop any material there. | ||
| You better have that shit solid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You can't even have it memorized. | ||
| It has to be part of your, your, better than anything. | ||
| You have to know it better than you know anything. | ||
| But like, what is it? | ||
| The Funny Bone in Columbus? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That place. | ||
| You develop material there. | ||
| Comedy Works Denver. | ||
| You develop material there. | ||
| You develop material in clubs. | ||
| You have to have both. | ||
| I firmly believe that those guys who just do big places and they only play to their audiences, they're fucking themselves. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| It's like an athlete that doesn't strength train. | ||
| Or it's like, you know, someone who doesn't, they work out, but they don't watch their diet. | ||
| It's like, man, if you want the best results, you've got to do the whole thing. | ||
| They're out of touch. | ||
| I mean, you've got to do the whole thing. | ||
| Those people, let's just, I mean, I don't want to name any names. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Say it. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| I mean, but let's just say a guy that's super-duper famous goes to a theater, you know, one of those big legends, what they don't do is they don't experiment not being funny. | ||
| What they should do is they should have a secret five-minute experimental bit buried in their set that's purposely nothing funny about it, and run it. | ||
| And when they hear those laughs, that's when they'll realize, like, oh, shit. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| They're laughing no matter what, because I have them trained. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| If it's their fans and their dumb comedy fans... | ||
| I don't think they're going to laugh at things that aren't funny, but I think they're going to laugh harder at things that aren't as good. | ||
| I think they're going to want... | ||
| Like, I went to see a comic. | ||
| I'm not going to name any names. | ||
| Me and Joey Diaz went to see him. | ||
| Because we were playing in the place the next night. | ||
| And it was... | ||
| It was one of those situations where someone was doing their material for their audience and you could tell they hadn't been working out in the clubs. | ||
| You could just see it. | ||
| And the people wanted to laugh. | ||
| They wanted to laugh. | ||
| They were fans and they were with it. | ||
| That's the difference between that and say a set at the store when it's 11pm on a Tuesday night when they've already seen you and Joey Diaz and Ari and all these other killers. | ||
| You gotta be funny. | ||
| Actually funny. | ||
| It doesn't matter if you're Fill in the name. | ||
| Whatever fucking superstar. | ||
| You have to actually be funny. | ||
| They give you a minute or two to get settled in on stage. | ||
| They're clapping. | ||
| They're excited to see you. | ||
| Come with the fucking jokes. | ||
| Barely do they give you a minute. | ||
| Really, they really do. | ||
| It's really, truly 30 seconds. | ||
| Especially in the OR. It really is. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| It's so hard to recover from a spin-out. | ||
| So much easier to start strong and take chances and fizzle out than it is to... | ||
| Not start off on the right foot and get them going. | ||
| It's also because they're right on top of you in the OR. They're right there. | ||
| I mean, you could just high-five them. | ||
| And they know. | ||
| At that point, they know what's going on. | ||
| They know you better get to it. | ||
| They've already seen six of their favorite new comedians. | ||
| They're already waiting to Google the lineup after they go home. | ||
| They're like, oh my god, this is crazy. | ||
| And they know what the blue light in the corner means all of a sudden. | ||
| They're like, oh, this guy's got three more minutes. | ||
| He better fucking stick that landing. | ||
| They're not that dumb. | ||
| It takes, what, seeing two or three comedians in the original room, which is only 45 minutes, before you're trained. | ||
| And you know everything that's going on. | ||
| Ooh, here comes the piano guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There goes the light. | ||
| You see the piano guy walking to his seat. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Here he comes. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| The weirdest place is the belly room. | ||
| That's the weirdest room. | ||
| I fucking love that room. | ||
| That room's so weird. | ||
| The birthplace of Kill Tony. | ||
| That's another thing that makes Kill Tony fun is it's like it was totally just it was a belly room baby and now you see this big man like having Kill Tony mania. | ||
| I drove a van of 14 people up there. | ||
| I saw a big giant picture up from Instagram. | ||
| It was one of the coolest things. | ||
| I can't remember who I was talking to last night but I said Yeah, and I said it was the coolest 24 hours of my life because I picked everybody up at the comedy store. | ||
| I go, be at the comedy store 9 a.m. | ||
| Friday morning. | ||
| I'm going to pick you up and I'm driving everybody back that night. | ||
| And I literally did. | ||
| I went and rented this big, cool, badass fucking luxury van. | ||
| So you did two shows in San Francisco and then you drove back that night? | ||
| Hell yes. | ||
| What time did you get home? | ||
| I think it was 7 or 8. Actually, it was like 8 a.m. | ||
| How'd you stay awake? | ||
| Um, first of all, after a Kill Tony, I'm a freak for like three or four hours, so I knew that. | ||
| So I'm like, that's gonna be easy. | ||
| And I was, cause like adrenaline, like hosting adrenaline, like I'm crazy about that show. | ||
| So it's like so much, like I'm looking at where Red Band's fingers are. | ||
| I'm trying to get the guest involved. | ||
| So you're wired. | ||
| You know, I'm thinking moves ahead the whole time. | ||
| I'm super wired. | ||
| So I knew I really just needed to survive the last two hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whew. | |
| And it was awesome, man. | ||
| Hot coffee, beef jerky, cold sugar-free Red Bull is enough for me. | ||
| My body was like, what the fuck are you doing when I got home? | ||
| Did you do a set Saturday night anywhere? | ||
| You're damn motherfucking right. | ||
| Main room, baby. | ||
| I slept from 11 a.m. | ||
| to like 6.30. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| It was so cool. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| But the really cool thing, as cheesy as this is going to sound, is taking those 14 people, all with different backstories, all from different years and different amounts of appearances. | ||
| Sarah Wineshank and Ali Mikofsky were regulars over the different years at different times. | ||
| All the fans know from seeing them each a hundred times on a hundred different episodes and this guy and this guy and this guy and this guy and the band and everybody was just on fire. | ||
| We met some of the best and worst people you can imagine in all of San Francisco. | ||
| In the history of the 303 episodes of the show, there's only been one guy that ever walked off the stage angrily that couldn't handle the heat. | ||
| That happened in San Francisco like two and a half years ago. | ||
| The same guy? | ||
| We didn't realize until he did it again that it was the same guy. | ||
| He walked off again? | ||
| He walked off. | ||
| I go, you know, the only other time that anyone's ever walked off in Kill Tony history was here in San Francisco. | ||
| And the crowd goes, and like 10, 15, 20 people stand up and literally go, that was the same guy! | ||
| I'm like, that was the same guy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was the same guy! | |
| I mean, the... | ||
| The energy of the show and the fans and everything, man, it's so cool. | ||
| But yeah, I can't remember what made me get on this, but I drove everybody there and back, and it made it such a... | ||
| I was like the dad for a day, you know what I mean? | ||
| I bought everybody in and out on the way up there. | ||
| It was so cool. | ||
| Everybody was just so happy. | ||
| Look at that van. | ||
| Strawberry shakes. | ||
| That van is hilarious. | ||
| And that's the second row there. | ||
| It's me and Ali Mikofsky in the front on this picture. | ||
| Who's the fake John Reap in the back? | ||
| Oh, that's William Montgomery, and he's coming for everybody's jobs. | ||
| That guy is a genius. | ||
| He's like Andy Kaufman meets a fucking Tennessee trucker. | ||
| He's coming for everybody. | ||
| Everybody's going to know who that guy is eventually. | ||
| He's been doing it 11 years out of Memphis, Tennessee, and he just got here a few months ago, and he's just an improv guru. | ||
| He just goes. | ||
| He bullshits. | ||
| You can ask him anything. | ||
| And he's literally got like that comedy twitch muscle where he just riffs and it's the dumbest shit and the most glorious shit at the same time. | ||
| So this is the second row. | ||
| So you're ahead in the front here driving while Watkins takes his picture. | ||
| You got Aphrodite taking a nap. | ||
| Look at that fro. | ||
| Second row from the back, Ryan J.E. Belt, the house artist. | ||
| You got Josh, who decided to sit in the middle, the continuous grump. | ||
| He gets motion sickness, and he didn't sit next to a window for some reason, so that's a genuine frown on his face. | ||
| Mikey McKernan in the back left. | ||
| I mean all these people did amazing things. | ||
| It was just so incredible. | ||
| George and Christian slinging merch at the front. | ||
| I just love like grassroots created shows like that where it just started out as nothing and then it became what it is now. | ||
| I just love shit like that. | ||
| I love when people have an idea and they stick with it. | ||
| When are you gonna start doing the Golden Pony Hour again, speaking of which? | ||
| Uh, probably, uh, probably actually, uh, really soon. | ||
| I just gotta, I just gotta do it. | ||
| I have to, um, I have to figure out whether I want to do it at the comedy store or not, though, because it seems like, I don't know. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| You're really good with live audiences like that, off the cuff. | ||
| Why not have a show like that and do it in the belly room? | ||
| Do it on an off night in the belly room. | ||
| You know, you did one Monday night. | ||
| You were doing Monday night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Find another, like, off time, 10 p.m., especially if you do it late night. | ||
| Like, some weird late night show. | ||
| Yeah, I think you're right, actually. | ||
| That might be the move. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| I think I need to do it in front of a live audience. | ||
| It's your forte. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you're great at that kind of stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And to do it in a small, intimate room, like the belly room, and to build it back up, you can get a logo and a big sign behind you, the golden pony hour. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe a gold suit. | ||
| Maybe you do every show with a gold suit on. | ||
| I like the way you're talking now. | ||
| I'm telling you, right? | ||
| I can fulfill the prophecy. | ||
| The prophecy. | ||
| What is the prophecy? | ||
| The mastermind. | ||
| Remember the mastermind? | ||
| No. | ||
| The pro wrestling manager. | ||
| The guy that writes everything and executes it. | ||
| You could do something like that. | ||
| Like have a cool backdrop. | ||
| You know, like some sort of a simple portable backdrop. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Oh, hell yes. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| Gold lame. | ||
| It's for the cutout. | ||
| Oh, that's a star. | ||
| Stand up. | ||
| Like, the suit's only $40? | ||
| What's it made out of? | ||
| See if you can find one of them suits. | ||
| Gold lame. | ||
| What is that word, lame? | ||
| What does that word mean? | ||
| L-A-M-E? I've seen that word before and it's one of those words I never bothered to look up. | ||
| Lame. | ||
| Ah! | ||
| You said lame! | ||
| I don't know how to get that E up. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| What does it mean? | ||
| LeMay suit. | ||
| Just type in suit. | ||
| Unable to walk normally. | ||
| No, that's lame, bro. | ||
| Oh, it does say that. | ||
| Well, I typed in the... | ||
| Here, fabric. | ||
| Oh, it's a type of fabric. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Lame is a type of fabric woven or knit with thin ribbons of metallic fiber. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's your shit. | ||
| A fucking gold lame suit, dude. | ||
| That's what I'm gonna get. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Type in gold lame suit. | ||
| Here we go, baby. | ||
| $1,200 jacket? | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| No, we need to get some custom-made shit. | ||
| That's what we need to do. | ||
| If I hired someone to build you a suit, would you... | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I'd wear the shit out of it. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| You kidding me? | ||
| There's someone out... | ||
| That shit was... | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| That one's a little ridiculous. | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Any old iron sequined suit. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| That sequined, though. | ||
| There's, like, silver in there. | ||
| That shit's gonna get in your fucking clothes and stuff. | ||
| It'll get in the washing machine. | ||
| This looks like a Tony suit. | ||
| I think you need to get someone to make you one of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think we need to hire a bodysuit? | |
| What does it say? | ||
| It's a ninja suit? | ||
| Cosplay. | ||
| Oh, those poor cosplay people. | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We need to get someone to make you one. | ||
| Yeah, it needs to be tailored properly. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's got to fit you. | ||
| We need to get David August. | ||
| That's the company that makes Conor McGregor suits. | ||
| They make my suits for the UFC. Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, hell yeah. | ||
| I can't wear regular suits. | ||
| I'm not built like a normal person. | ||
| So look at that. | ||
| She's wearing one. | ||
| Hot bitch. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So we're going to do that. | ||
| I'm going to hire David August to make you a gold lame suit that fits you perfectly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| And this will be the launch. | ||
| And you've heard about it here, folks. | ||
| The launch of the Golden Pony Hour. | ||
| Live from the Comedy Store Wednesday nights. | ||
| Live from the Comedy Store in the belly room. | ||
| You can buy Elvis' suit. | ||
| No, I don't want to buy Elvis' suit. | ||
| He's been farting in it, taking pills. | ||
| There's probably pills in that pocket that'll kill you right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| Elton John. | ||
| Billy Joel and Elton John staying all together again. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Yeah, so we'll do it. | ||
| Dude, I gotta finish my fucking act so we can get on the road again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm excited. | ||
| What is it now? | ||
| It's October 31st. | ||
| Tomorrow's the first... | ||
| I'm going to start doing mushrooms immediately. | ||
| And I'm looking. | ||
| I have 35 minutes now. | ||
| 35 minutes. | ||
| I've timed it out. | ||
| 35 new minutes. | ||
| I can actually do a 35 minute set. | ||
| I did a 35 minute set. | ||
| I'm looking at... | ||
| January. | ||
| January, start booking dates. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| You're gonna start booking in January or booking for? | ||
| Booking for January. | ||
| So November, stay in LA. December, stay in LA. January. | ||
| Maybe we do like the comedy works in Denver in the fucking dead of winter. | ||
| What? | ||
| I think I'm going to London for the first time in the middle of February. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You'll love it out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're very polite. | ||
| Do you remember the first time that we did Stockholm and you thought that you weren't doing well because they're very polite in between sets? | ||
| And I had to say, no, no, no. | ||
| They listen. | ||
| They were laughing. | ||
| You're like, I felt like a bomb. | ||
| By the way, I didn't believe you. | ||
| I had to ask everybody around me. | ||
| I took what you said. | ||
| I believed you, but I didn't really believe you. | ||
| I thought you were just being nice. | ||
| It's like, oh, he's trying to give me a pep talk. | ||
| I would never do that. | ||
| Just know that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| If you ate shit, I'd tell you, dude, you can do better. | ||
| I know, but I know you wouldn't do that. | ||
| That's why it was crazy to me, because I'm like, either the world is different over here on the other side of the world, or... | ||
| They're fucking with me. | ||
| Two things to take into consideration. | ||
| One, it's their second language. | ||
| So it's basically, it's a novelty. | ||
| They're going out to see comedy, which is a novelty. | ||
| I'm sure they're Swedish comedians, but I'm sure the timing and the language is just very different, going from Swedish-style comedy to American-style comedy. | ||
| But they're just really polite. | ||
| So they would laugh, and then they would stop, and they would listen. | ||
| And you're like, it just felt like dead in between the bits. | ||
| I'm like, I'm telling you, man, you did great. | ||
| But then you saw it when they were doing it for my set. | ||
| And you're like, oh, that's how they really are. | ||
| I go, yeah. | ||
| I go, but they had a great time. | ||
| But they laugh, but there's not all this chatter in between the jokes. | ||
| They wait, and then they're laughing again, and they're laughing again. | ||
| But then your second set, we did two shows that night, you came out and you were comfortable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You were fun. | ||
| Because I embraced it. | ||
| I stayed in the pocket instead of being like, what's going on? | ||
| Well, they are that way in England as well. | ||
| In England, they really appreciate the craft. | ||
| They really appreciate stand-up comedy. | ||
| And they really appreciate it as a show. | ||
| They're extremely polite when they watch shows. | ||
| I really enjoy performing there. | ||
| I like it a lot. | ||
| I haven't been there in a while, and I know I should go back. | ||
| And I will, I promise. | ||
| But the last time I was there, I was like, man, they're intelligent. | ||
| They're polite. | ||
| Like, the way they watch a show, like, they go to see a show, you know? | ||
| That place is great. | ||
| Manchester's great. | ||
| London's great. | ||
| Newcastle. | ||
| I did a lot of places in England at a good time. | ||
| You know what else is fucking great, but in a different way? | ||
| Wild? | ||
| Dublin. | ||
| You gotta do Dublin. | ||
| Dublin's chaos. | ||
| Yeah, I wanna go over there. | ||
| But you gotta get drunk. | ||
| Have they done a UFC there? | ||
| Yeah, they've done UFCs there. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Has Conor fought there? | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I don't know if there's been a UFC in Dublin while he was huge though. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Because they were gonna do like a soccer stadium over there. | ||
| When was the last time Conor fought in Dublin? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| It seems like that would make sense. | ||
| Yeah, was it Cage Wars? | ||
| No, he did fight one UFC. UFC fight against Brandao. | ||
| Oh, Diego Brandao. | ||
| So that was like his first, second fight. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| Yeah, so I think it's, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His first one was in Stockholm, then Boston, then Dublin, and then every other one was in Vegas, except for two. | ||
| Yeah, now though? | ||
| Jesus Christ, that guy can't even walk in Dublin. | ||
| That guy can't go anywhere. | ||
| Ooh, that's something that we're about to do together. | ||
| We're going to go to Toronto. | ||
| Oh yeah, your girl's fighting. | ||
| My girl's fighting. | ||
| Guess who's undefeated with me next to the octagon? | ||
| Yawani and Jacek. | ||
| Damn right. | ||
| Guess who's about to be? | ||
| Remember when she got that strawweight championship, what'd she do? | ||
| She ran out of the octagon, came and took a picture with Tony. | ||
| And she tongue kissed you. | ||
| That's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Didn't she? | |
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, she reached into your pants and grabbed your maluk stick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| And... | ||
| I believe that's what's gonna happen again. | ||
| No, she didn't do any of those things, folks. | ||
| We're just joking. | ||
| Yeah, we're kidding. | ||
| But she did jump out of the octagon and take a picture with... | ||
| Well, no, that's a different one. | ||
| Hey, Tony, I punch you in the face and you do nothing. | ||
| That one bottom right there. | ||
| Again and again and again and again. | ||
| Bottom right. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Right there? | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Yeah, that's kind of it. | ||
| Oh yeah, she did. | ||
| She ran right out. | ||
| She came out and she pointed at me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And goes, come over here. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| With her belt on. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, it's a tough fight, man. | ||
| She's fighting Valentina Shevchenko. | ||
| Valentina is a fucking murderer, man. | ||
| She is a monster. | ||
| However, I think not having to cut that extra 10 pounds is going to give Ioana a lot of pop and a lot of extra energy. | ||
| And we're going to see the old Ioana, you know what I mean? | ||
| Rose had her number, technically. | ||
| But that's the only person we've ever seen have her number. | ||
| So... | ||
| Yeah, she absolutely struggles to make 115 pounds. | ||
| Absolutely, undeniably, it's an agonizing weight cut for her. | ||
| I think it'd be better for her. | ||
| They have fought before, you know. | ||
| They fought two or three times in Muay Thai, and Valentina's won all the fights. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Valentina's a beast, man. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And she's bigger. | ||
| Valentina's coming down from 135 to 125. But I like it. | ||
| It's probably one of the more technical female MMA fights you're ever going to see. | ||
| In terms of like, you know, you want to be in world champion Muay Thai fighter, Valentina being, you know, at that same level. | ||
| They're just both super, super technical. | ||
| I'm pumped. | ||
| That's going to be fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Going to hang out in Toronto. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| All right. | ||
| Let's wrap this fucking thing up. | ||
| So Rocktober. | ||
| It's been a good time. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Let me see the standings. | ||
| See if anybody made a wild push today to try to... | ||
| Does it end at midnight East Coast or West Coast? | ||
| Do you guys have... | ||
| Have you said that? | ||
| Yeah, East Coast because... | ||
| Oh, so it ends in six hours. | ||
| What's going on with my fucking phone? | ||
| Six and a half hours. | ||
| It won't let me open the phone. | ||
| Oh, great new bug, Apple. | ||
| Stuck in the notifications. | ||
| Look, the notifications? | ||
| Stuck in it. | ||
| The clock hasn't even shown up. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Wonderful. | ||
| Close it and then try it again. | ||
| Wonderful new bug. | ||
| Yeah, but what's up with that bug? | ||
| That's fucking terrible. | ||
| Oh, it's doing it again. | ||
| They had a button you could press. | ||
| Wonderful. | ||
| Wonderful new bug. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You fucking piece of shit. | ||
| Good night, everybody. | ||
| Get that ready. |
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