Oct. 1, 2018 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:07:27
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Five, four, three, two, one. | ||
| Dude, it seemed like we just did this. | ||
| It does feel like pretty recent. | ||
| How was it a year ago? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's already October. | ||
| I'm scared. | ||
| Let's just fucking spark up a joint bill right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No! | ||
| These fat blunts. | ||
| One of them backwoods. | ||
| Smell one of these backwoods. | ||
| These are so good. | ||
| Just smell it. | ||
| Just smell it. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, everyone was commenting on your blunt rolling technique after the Elon Musk thing. | ||
| Oh, I don't roll them. | ||
| I know, they were like, and I knew that, and they were like, oh, what is he? | ||
| He can barely roll a blunt. | ||
| I was like, it's professionally rolled. | ||
| It's a pretty good blunt. | ||
| You can't read those comments. | ||
| That does smell good, man. | ||
| That smells so good. | ||
| They taste good, too. | ||
| Those are phenomenal. | ||
| I'm a blunt man. | ||
| I know it's probably bad for your lungs, but there's something about... | ||
| The tobacco gets you a little high up, and then the marijuana sort of spreads you out, and it puts you in a new dimension. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good one. | ||
| I'm going to get blitzkrieged after Halloween, kids. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Imagine how high you'll get, too, after 30 days off. | ||
| Last year, I did comedy. | ||
| I had no idea what I was talking about. | ||
| While I was on stage, I was like, oh, my God, there's 400 people in this room. | ||
| I don't even know what I'm saying. | ||
| I almost thought of bringing in all my marijuana and booze in here like in the Old West when you had to turn in your guns and just dumping them on the table. | ||
| Because I have so much marijuana, it's ridiculous. | ||
| I know, it's crazy. | ||
| I keep a bunch. | ||
| We've got a stack of whiskey over there and then we've got another cabinet full in the back. | ||
| You can get fucked up hard here in this place. | ||
| We're going to get ripped on the first. | ||
| Remember when we did the podcast on the day back? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those were fun shit. | ||
| Ari is so much more fun when he's high. | ||
| He's so scary and grumpy when he's sober. | ||
| He's such a grouchy dog. | ||
| He gets, like, legit angry. | ||
| Like, he could joke around about anything when he's high, when he smokes weed. | ||
| But then when he's not smoking weed, you're like, wait, wait, wait. | ||
| Are you fucking serious? | ||
| He gets upset. | ||
| Do you remember when you texted the 3S? You're like, Ari, I don't think you're doing the right classes. | ||
| Do you remember the meltdown? | ||
| I said I think you're going to have to do them again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Obviously, I'm fucking joking around. | ||
| You're calling me a liar! | ||
| Say I'm a liar! | ||
| Say I'm a liar to my face! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Didn't he call? | |
| I love you! | ||
| He called you, right? | ||
| He called you upset. | ||
| Oh yeah, he was upset. | ||
| I don't remember if we texted or called, but I go, Ari? | ||
| I love you. | ||
| I'm just joking. | ||
| I'm sure you do. | ||
| One thing about Ari is, this is one thing you could say, after all the welching talk and all the nonsense, Ari has rock solid ethics. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like, rock solid. | ||
| Yes, he does. | ||
| Like, if Ari says he's going to do something, he does it. | ||
| Like, so if I'm fucking with him and saying, I don't think he's doing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I don't really mean that. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| You're just kind of, you're poking at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So, if you're out there, Ari, and you hear this, I'm only fucking around. | ||
| I know you're doing it. | ||
| But I'm not talking to you for the next 31 days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's too dangerous! | |
| He came to our class for that last one. | ||
| He was like, this is so much easier than my class. | ||
| I can't believe you questioned how hard my class was. | ||
| The one we did in Encino? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He was like, this is so easy compared to what I've been doing in New York. | ||
| Look, it's all easy if you go easy. | ||
| I guess, yeah. | ||
| It's all how you do it. | ||
| If you do hot yoga and you go 100% every pose, it's fucking hard as shit. | ||
| Doesn't matter who's teaching. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard. | ||
| There's this guy that I go to yoga with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that vodka? | |
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| No, it's water. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I have a drinking problem, legit drinking. | ||
| He needs water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| There's this guy that I go to yoga with who is... | ||
| It seems like he just doesn't ever go 100%. | ||
| He's sort of just kind of... | ||
| Like, you know how you put your arms above your head? | ||
| He always does this. | ||
| He's never doing this where he's fully stretched out, extended, his palms connected. | ||
| When you do that, it's hard. | ||
| If you just kind of half-ass every pose and do this, yeah, you can get through a 90-minute class. | ||
| You're not doing the same thing as other people. | ||
| If you go to a group training class somewhere, you can see people and there's that 63-year-old lady who's doing it with you. | ||
| She's on her knees. | ||
| She's like, this is hard talking at a normal rate. | ||
| You're like, you're not doing it. | ||
| I got in trouble at my CrossFit class because I was just getting pissed. | ||
| I was throwing up every day. | ||
| I was throwing up every single day. | ||
| I was also drinking a coffee right before it started. | ||
| So I was throwing up coffee every single day. | ||
| And one day I just snapped. | ||
| I go, hey, the black guy's not doing his burpees. | ||
| The black guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| That's what they said, Joe. | ||
| That's what they said. | ||
| They go, hey man, we don't talk like that. | ||
| He's got a name. | ||
| I go, I don't know it, but I'm pointing to him. | ||
| He's not doing his burpees. | ||
| Why do you care? | ||
| And then the joke I made out of it was, hey, Wendell, the gay guy says I can't call you the black guy, but you're not doing your fucking burpees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The gay guy! | |
| I might go back to CrossFit. | ||
| I like the idea that we're doing this in a general heart rate sense, because you can sprinkle it in. | ||
| I want to go to a spin class. | ||
| You definitely can. | ||
| And by the way, that is how, if you want to get a real bump in those points, it's about a bump in heart rate, sustained, accelerated heart rate. | ||
| So a spin class is going to get you a bunch. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's not like Joe, I don't know if you know this, he's like a way better athlete than you, but it doesn't mean that... | ||
| Actually, we put a pin in that. | ||
| We have a month to find out. | ||
| It doesn't mean that he'll automatically beat us because he's in better physical condition. | ||
| You can actually beat him if you're going to push it all the time. | ||
| What is it in your brain that makes you do that? | ||
| Because we just looked at your MEPs and you burned a thousand calories. | ||
| Is there some sort of... | ||
| I talked to Pat McAfee one time. | ||
| He said it's about explosivity. | ||
| It's about rape and murder. | ||
| My head's filled with it. | ||
| Stopping rapists and stopping murderers and killing child molesters. | ||
| That's what I think about. | ||
| Killing bad people. | ||
| When you work out? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I do when I get tired. | ||
| If I get tired, I think about saving someone I care about. | ||
| I think about stopping someone who's trying to murder someone I love. | ||
| That's what I think about. | ||
| I love your face. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| I think about my second wife. | ||
| I think about protecting people I care about. | ||
| Didn't you tell me one time, if it's hard, you'll go pretend like someone's trying to kill me? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you're like pretending? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't have words for that. | ||
| That's what you gotta do. | ||
| Think about worst case scenario. | ||
| You're tired and someone's trying to kill someone you care about. | ||
| And you don't have enough energy to stop them. | ||
| But do you think you learned that switch in Taekwondo? | ||
| Yeah, I learned it from martial arts, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, because that's the scariest place you could ever be. | ||
| The scariest place you could be is life and death. | ||
| Just putting yourself in, oh, I just want to lose weight. | ||
| Okay, good. | ||
| Yeah, that's good. | ||
| But you're not going to save yourself. | ||
| You've got to put yourself in animalistic fury. | ||
| That's how you've got to put yourself. | ||
| You've got to put yourself in this state of just 100% effort. | ||
| I was pegged at like 180, 177 beats per minute for the last 35 minutes. | ||
| That's really... | ||
| That's great. | ||
| You've got to do it. | ||
| See, that David Goggins guy got in my head with just embrace the suck. | ||
| I can get there. | ||
| Like doing the marathon, I just go, this is where I'm going to be for the next five and a half hours. | ||
| This is where I'm at, and this is what I'm doing. | ||
| And I can wrap my head around that. | ||
| I don't know if I can wrap my head around, like, I don't know the explosivity of it and going, like, I'm gonna save my family and then getting... | ||
| But that might not work for you, but there still could be a different tactic that works for you. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| No, no, no, I meant even, like, going that fucking hard to where your body is completely giving out. | ||
| There's part of me that goes, hey, man, what are we doing here? | ||
| You know, like, even when I'm working out, I go, that's really fucking hard. | ||
| Well, you definitely have to protect your health, right? | ||
| Like, the last thing you want to be doing this and having a heart attack... | ||
| That's always my fear as I go, easy buddy. | ||
| Yeah, easy buddy is a good way to look at it. | ||
| But I've been doing that kind of working out forever. | ||
| That's how I work out. | ||
| I just go crazy. | ||
| I go crazy. | ||
| Don't you ever think, have you ever thought about someone who like really disrespected you right before you lift? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like right before a set? | ||
| Dude, that's all that happens online. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you serious? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't read that shit. | ||
| It's just open up my comments. | ||
| But he's never like, you don't ever, I've gone to like a moment, you know, where you're like, I wish I would have cracked that dude in the face. | ||
| And then right before, right before a set. | ||
| No, I have not. | ||
| And I know, I definitely know what I want. | ||
| I know who I'm thinking about. | ||
| I'm going to try it. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Don't say any names. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What does he rhyme with? | ||
| In order to really get yourself into that place, you don't have to think about something that's terrifying and negative. | ||
| But to me, that's the ultimate position where you're going to need energy. | ||
| This is so silly. | ||
| The best shape I've ever been in is when I met my wife. | ||
| I was 186 pounds. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| Yeah, dude, I look. | ||
| You must have been shredded. | ||
| Jamie, type in Skinny Burt. | ||
| I've seen those pictures. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I don't even look. | ||
| You almost had a six-pack. | ||
| Almost. | ||
| You had a three-pack. | ||
| And I had, like, side muscle. | ||
| Yeah, a little oblique. | ||
| I'm going for that this month. | ||
| I'm really going hard. | ||
| I'm going hard this month. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| I said to Jamie... | ||
| I made a deal with myself. | ||
| Every day I'm going to do 50 air squats and 50 push-ups. | ||
| I was going to do 100. Look at that! | ||
| Look at Skinny Burt! | ||
| Damn, dude. | ||
| You were a fucking stud. | ||
| But you were a fucking stud. | ||
| That was when I was in spin class. | ||
| Look how skinny your face is. | ||
| Your face was super skinny after last year's Sober October. | ||
| That photo that you posted, that you sent to us. | ||
| Look at my skinny face. | ||
| I'm going back. | ||
| I'm going hard this month. | ||
| I really am. | ||
| Because I'm going to enjoy it. | ||
| Last month, I think... | ||
| Last time I did it was out of spite. | ||
| I wanted to prove to everyone I could stop drinking. | ||
| This month, I'm going into it having not drank probably a third as much as last year. | ||
| Meaning, like, I've drank three quarters as much. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| And so... | ||
| But when I was in spin class, we had Bob from The Biggest Loser was our spin class teacher at Crunch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, isn't that crazy? | ||
| Wait a minute, is Bob the coach from The Biggest Loser or the contestant? | ||
| Coach. | ||
| I've never watched that show. | ||
| He was amazing. | ||
| His inspiration was so connected. | ||
| He connected to me so quickly. | ||
| One time, it's right before Thanksgiving, and I'm looking good. | ||
| I've got to go to a wedding, my buddy's wedding. | ||
| And I'm on the bike, and he goes, alright, everyone out of the saddles. | ||
| We're going to be out of the saddles for two minutes. | ||
| And I'm like, fuck this. | ||
| And then he says... | ||
| I felt like he was talking to me. | ||
| He goes, you're going home for Thanksgiving. | ||
| You're going to see all the people in high school, all the people that didn't want to have sex with you. | ||
| Do you want them to want to have sex with you this weekend? | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, then stay out of that fucking saddle. | ||
| Stay out of that saddle and earn your Thanksgiving dinner. | ||
| And go out to bars the night before and say, I won't fuck you. | ||
| I'm better than you. | ||
| And I'm just going, I want them to fuck me. | ||
| I want them to fuck me. | ||
| Damn, Bob. | ||
| I think of that Bob. | ||
| Bob went hard in the paint. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| That connected with me so hard. | ||
| That vanity of like, I want people to want me. | ||
| Isn't that funny, man? | ||
| That motivated so many comedians. | ||
| Just being a loser in high school, and I'll show you guys. | ||
| I'll show you. | ||
| There's people that take them straight to their deathbed, too. | ||
| They're still like, yeah, fucking Sarah. | ||
| Seventh grade. | ||
| This is for her. | ||
| My motivation is, I think I'm getting to the bottom of it, is I want people to like me. | ||
| People love you. | ||
| I know, but I think I do that in an unhealthy way. | ||
| Thank you, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's pretty good, too. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| For real? | ||
| You two liking my special is the best compliments I've gotten. | ||
| You worked hard at it. | ||
| You can tell. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| Everyone, it's secret time. | ||
| It's streaming right now, but Joe Rogan's special drops tomorrow? | ||
| Tonight. | ||
| Tonight at midnight. | ||
| Midnight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, that trailer's one of the best trailers I've seen for a special in a long time. | ||
| I worked hard at it. | ||
| I hope people like it. | ||
| Some people are going to hate it, but that's normal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is normal. | |
| I worked at it as hard as anything I've ever worked on, ever. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| This hour. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I fucking went hard on this one. | ||
| It's a good feeling to get done with something and go, I did the best I could do. | ||
| I did the best I could do for sure. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I couldn't have done any better because if I did any more, the only thing that you could say is maybe a little more time, maybe a month or two more time on some of the bits. | ||
| But you never know when that is. | ||
| There's a period where they're developing and then they mature and then they're solid. | ||
| And then you never know. | ||
| Are they done or is there one One more tagline that I'm missing here? | ||
| Because you know how, like, it's always the case. | ||
| You film, and then right after you're done, you have a brand new tagline that makes the bit five times as good. | ||
| It's always like the next Saturday. | ||
| You're like, you motherfucker. | ||
| The next week, I wrote that. | ||
| I did that special. | ||
| The next week, I'm in Michigan doing some theater, and I had that Alexa bit about fucking Alexa talking back. | ||
| I talked to Alexa like I talked to women, and whatever the bit is. | ||
| And the next week, I write the bit. | ||
| We said a fleshlight attachment for Alexa, so I could shut her up the way I want to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| And fuck, I'm like, goddammit, where the fuck was that? | ||
| Goddammit. | ||
| Your mind doesn't open up all the way until it doesn't have any pressure. | ||
| So it's like the pressure's gone, and then you're like, oh, I could take it here, I could take it there, and you're like, I wish I could think like this before I record, but you can't. | ||
| You know what's interesting is that we've talked about this, that after the special's over, you're like, I don't have any material, and I don't have anything to think about. | ||
| So terrifying. | ||
| But you always find it. | ||
| Like, over time, and then before you know it, like, wow, I got a new hour. | ||
| Yeah, it happens. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| And it happens quicker the more you've done it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, because you know you can do it. | ||
| That's one of the sad things about these guys. | ||
| Like, I was talking to a guy the other day, like, how long have you been doing comedy? | ||
| And he's like, seven years. | ||
| I go, how much time do you have? | ||
| He's like, 20 minutes. | ||
| I go, that's fucking ruthlessly unacceptable. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| I go, you're lazy. | ||
| Like, you've been doing comedy for seven years, you have 20 minutes. | ||
| And out of those 20 minutes, 10 you should throw away. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| But that's what happens. | ||
| But they're not doing it enough. | ||
| You're not doing it enough. | ||
| They don't get enough sets, and this, you know, it's hard. | ||
| You're doing open mics, and when you're doing open mics, everyone sucks. | ||
| So you look like a hero if you have anything that's remotely humorous. | ||
| But then you try that remotely humorous stuff, and you do it at the Ice House, and people are like, huh. | ||
| You know, like, you go on between you and you, and, you know, you do this bullshit that you're just doing an open mic night, and people are just not having it. | ||
| That's why real sets are so different than, you know what I mean? | ||
| If you don't get in front of real crowds, and it's not, you know, it's not entirely up to you, obviously, when you're starting out, it's hard to get in front of real. | ||
| What do you mean real crowds? | ||
| Like a real show, a professional audience. | ||
| Oh, like not just open mics? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those bringer shows and open mic shows. | ||
| That's why it's invaluable even if you give somebody an opportunity to come on your show for them, like an up-and-comer, because they don't normally have real audiences to perform in front of. | ||
| Yeah, it's giant for them. | ||
| It's a wake-up call. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Then they're like, holy shit, this is a real show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People have expectations. | ||
| They pay money. | ||
| When you go to one of those open mic nights, people are just drunk and everyone's terrible. | ||
| So you're just laughing at basically anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Someone can kill by how bad they are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| People are just like slamming the table. | ||
| Peter Chen made an almost career out of that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Peter Chen. | ||
| He was a guy who was so bad. | ||
| Chris McGuire was auditioning for Mitzi, and Mitzi thought it was funny, because Mitzi was so hilarious. | ||
| She thought it was funny that one of the worst comics in L.A. Don't pull his picture up. | ||
| Was hosting the open mic night. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, she thought it was funny. | ||
| But I knew that McGuire was going to have to audition for Mitzia, so I said, fuck that. | ||
| So I called up the store, I said, I'm hosting. | ||
| I said, I'll host the open mic night. | ||
| So I came down and hosted the open mic night just to keep him from hosting it. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| So you did that as a save for your buddy? | ||
| Yeah, because I knew he was going to... | ||
| There would be too much to address, and you have three minutes. | ||
| There'd be too much, too much chaos to address. | ||
| I hosted a show as a favor one time and ended up snapping on a lady in the audience and ruined the show. | ||
| They were like, thanks. | ||
| Why did you... | ||
| Dude, because I arrived... | ||
| It was a showcase for Montreal. | ||
| And I arrived at the show before it, right? | ||
| So there's like a 7 o'clock thing and then the 9 o'clock showcase. | ||
| And they asked me to... | ||
| To host it. | ||
| And a lady at the 7 o'clock show, at the earlier show, is in the front row, just yelling out, drunk. | ||
| And she's older, and she's like, yeah! | ||
| Tagging every comics thing, commenting on it, and I'm like, ugh. | ||
| And I'm just so irritated, but I'm like, well, at least, you know... | ||
| This show's almost over. | ||
| So the show ends, you know, people leave. | ||
| We're getting ready to start a second show. | ||
| I look, she's staying in her seat. | ||
| And I was like, you gotta be kidding me. | ||
| So, second show starts, and I'm already, you're primed. | ||
| You know, like, if you watch something that gets you agitated, and then... | ||
| You're overreacting. | ||
| Yeah, you're overreacting because you're primed for it. | ||
| So I started and it was like, I said my first joke and she said, I go, you fucking cunt! | ||
| Shut up! | ||
| And no one knows you have a history of that? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People in the audience are like, don't talk to her like that! | |
| And I'm like, you don't know what she's doing! | ||
| And then it just went... | ||
| And then I'm like, give it up for this guy who wants to go to Montreal. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| But then she ended up leaving. | ||
| Her friend came back in. | ||
| And while I'm on stage, she goes, did you call her a cunt in the show? | ||
| And I go, yeah. | ||
| She goes, that's my friend. | ||
| And I go, well then you're a cunt too. | ||
| She leaves and her son comes back. | ||
| Her son comes back looking for me. | ||
| He's like, can I talk to you for a second? | ||
| And I was like, alright. | ||
| And he looks serious too. | ||
| And he was like, did you call my mom a cunt? | ||
| And I go, which one is she? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he goes, this lady over here. | |
| So I go outside. | ||
| And I talk to... | ||
| Basically, the lady who was the friend. | ||
| So I go, she goes, what is going on? | ||
| I go, your friend has been disrupting, yelling out people, drunk, belligerent. | ||
| She goes, you call her this? | ||
| You call me that? | ||
| And I go, all right, well, I'm sorry I called you that. | ||
| But I'm not sorry I called your friend that. | ||
| She is what she is. | ||
| And she's like, you can be a nice person. | ||
| I see it in you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| She got you with love. | ||
| I was like, yeah, I go, get your friend out of here. | ||
| No one wants her here, okay? | ||
| And she was like, okay. | ||
| And then her son was like, thank you. | ||
| That was very disrespectful to my mother. | ||
| I was like, okay, man, we're good. | ||
| I got to go back and host this disaster that I created. | ||
| It was such a train wreck. | ||
| Well, some people just think that if you're saying something they disagree with, they don't think that they need to just wait it out. | ||
| They think they can stop you in the middle. | ||
| And the problem for me in particular, a lot of my bits start off one way, like they look like they're going to be way more outrageous than they are, and then I turn them around. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But when I'm starting it off, and then you just attack, like you're fucking up the bit. | ||
| You don't even understand what I'm doing. | ||
| It's the whole thing about freedom of speech in a weird way. | ||
| I had a joke about pedophilia, and I just started it, and this woman, who was a fan of mine and everything, she just goes, No! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop! | |
| And now it looks like I'm pro-pedophilia. | ||
| I haven't gotten to the fucking punchline. | ||
| It just looks like I'm into fucking kids, because now I'm not allowed to finish it. | ||
| No, those people shouldn't be allowed at shows because they're not even letting the art form take place. | ||
| You crafted something. | ||
| You're like, let it play out. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| I mean, they should just kick you out. | ||
| You're fucking up the whole experience for the whole crowd because a guy like Brian Holtzman would literally never be able to perform if the audience is filled with people like that. | ||
| So people like you and I who enjoy him, we would never be able to see him. | ||
| Because his whole act is saying outrageous shit like that. | ||
| That absolutely he doesn't really mean. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But the funny thing is, the twists and the turns. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Getting you to laugh at this stuff. | ||
| The other funny thing is, is that he's supposed to act like he does mean it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Like, that's what's funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| It's like, that people are always like, you know, they get super upset about this thing. | ||
| And it's like, he said this. | ||
| And they're like, yeah, but don't you get that it's the performance? | ||
| I used to have this joke about the Second Coming Project. | ||
| Do you know what the Second Coming Project is? | ||
| When they first started fucking around with genes and cloning, there was a group of radical Christians that had this idea. | ||
| I think it might have been bullshit eventually, but what their idea was they were going to take some genetic material from the Shroud of Turin and they were going to clone Jesus. | ||
| And so my bit was, what if you clone Jesus and it doesn't come out good? | ||
| Like, you know, they had to do Dolly the Sheep like 30 times until they got it right. | ||
| Like, what if you clone Jesus and he comes back handicapped? | ||
| And I had this whole fucked up thing about them following around this handicapped Jesus. | ||
| And instead of turning water into wine, he turns like dog shit into cookies. | ||
| And so this fucking lady, this lady goes, NEXT SUBJECT! And she's sitting in the front row. | ||
| So I did the bit to her. | ||
| I just looked her in the eyes and I kept doing it. | ||
| By the power of Christ I compel you! | ||
| It was a horrible bit. | ||
| We're talking like 1998 or some shit like that, right? | ||
| So it was clunky anyway. | ||
| But she's literally saying, next subject. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Which I'm never gonna, never gonna listen to you. | ||
| No way! | ||
| That's like when you tell someone, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Why would they shut the fuck up? | ||
| That doesn't work. | ||
| You want them to shut the fuck up, but you have no understanding of the power of persuasion or the fact that other people aren't you. | ||
| You're not in control of other people. | ||
| So if you tell someone, shut the fuck up, that doesn't work. | ||
| This is just a poor way of you don't understand human beings. | ||
| You haven't thought this through. | ||
| You just know what you want, your selfish little head, and so you say it to them. | ||
| This is how most arguments and most fights get started, because people don't take into consideration at all the fact that they're communicating with another human being, has their own set of emotions, their own life, their own problems, their own ego. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| There's a surefire way at any comedy show to hear more of the same topic. | ||
| It's going to be like, next... | ||
| Yeah, next subject. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you. | |
| It's on the internet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's what I... I almost... | ||
| Sometimes I preface it where I go, hey, you got... | ||
| Like, if you don't like what I'm about to say, because I have a couple things now that are a little, I think, too far, I go, just come talk to me after the show. | ||
| Don't even do that. | ||
| Just don't interrupt things. | ||
| I've had people change my mind on bits. | ||
| Like, I had a bit that... | ||
| Worked on my podcast very well and then I tried it in the club and this black chick came up to me and she's like, it's a really fucked up joke. | ||
| And I was like, really? | ||
| Was it super racist or something? | ||
| Was it super, super racist? | ||
| Like the black guy at CrossFit racist? | ||
| I think it might have been worse. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It didn't bother me. | ||
| But the black chick in DC was like, I love the show, all of it. | ||
| I just think... | ||
| How many years ago is this? | ||
| This is a year ago. | ||
| And I was like, and part of me is like... | ||
| Is it a bit that's in the special then? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Never made it? | ||
| No. | ||
| And so I couldn't... | ||
| And it's almost like I wanted to tell it, but to figure it out, to work it out, but I didn't want to have to deal with all the fucking... | ||
| Steps. | ||
| All the steps. | ||
| And I was like, I'm not going to die on that hill. | ||
| I don't really talk about race much in my act, so I'm not going to die on that hill for that bit. | ||
| You know what you've got to do with a bit like that? | ||
| You've got to look at it as if you're someone trying to deconstruct it. | ||
| Like you're someone who's trying to attack that bit. | ||
| See, for me, a bit works best the very first time I do it. | ||
| And then every working bit I do around that to take it apart and figure out another way to approach it, that's where I start fucking it up. | ||
| It's like the first time I say it, I go, let's hope we can find that again. | ||
| I'm the polar opposite. | ||
| Occasionally I'll say something good the first time, but most of the time when I say something, it seems like a sprout or a seed. | ||
| How much time do you spend listening to recordings? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot. | |
| A lot now. | ||
| After that last special, I did it obsessively. | ||
| And then I got into it. | ||
| I got into recording. | ||
| And now what I do is I will bid out. | ||
| If I don't have video, I like to have video because I think the video aspect really lets me know why things work. | ||
| I had this bit where I do my eyes a little different and it was killing and I saw it on video and I went, oh, I've got to make sure to do that. | ||
| But, um... | ||
| For me, it's almost like I'm always trying to chase to get back to that first time I told it. | ||
| Right, that feeling. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like to clip it out and then put chunks of like, alright, here's what the Starbucks bit is, here's what this is, and then look at the different ones and go, oh, why did that work better than this one? | ||
| But I've gotten really into editing videos and stuff, so it's a lot easier for me than it was when I first started. | ||
| Now I'm just like, oh, real quick, sync up audio, because I'll do audio and video, different tracks, sync them up, and then just clip them out, put them in folders. | ||
| Audio and video, what do you mean? | ||
| I got a little nerdy about it. | ||
| I take a H4-6. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| An audio recorder. | ||
| It's a Zoom recorder. | ||
| Zoom H4-6, and then I'll take my camera, put it in the back, if I can, or I'll have the club run video. | ||
| But I like to sync up clean audio and clean video. | ||
| That way, if I do have something fun, like Hannibal got on stage with me the other night, and I was like, ah, cool, I got all this shit. | ||
| That's I could definitely put online if I'm gonna want to do that to Hannibal I'd have to run it by him first, but I got real clean audio of it. | ||
| Oh, that's interesting. | ||
| So you are doing it through the soundboard? | ||
| No, I do it through the h4-6 is like the best it's is and I have a Basically a surround sound mic on that which ones are called again h4-6. | ||
| It's bigger h4-6 zoom zoom h4-6 right am I right on that or is it just the h6? | ||
| Oh, it's the H6. It's the H6. The other one's the H4N. And it's Zoom? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Zoom H6. Audio recorder? | |
| And how big is that thing? | ||
| It's about the size of this box. | ||
| It's like a fucking taser. | ||
| But they make a zoom that's smaller that I take with me now that fits in my pocket. | ||
| It's like the size of a lighter that's really great. | ||
| Yeah, pull that up. | ||
| Let me see what that looks like. | ||
| Pull up all the zoom. | ||
| What I like about doing it on my phone, though, is that I have them always with me all the time. | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| And then I sync it up in my car on the way to the gig. | ||
| That's what I did the other night, too. | ||
| Listen on the way there. | ||
| It fucking helps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Giant. | |
| On the way out, you go like that. | ||
| Because I like the puzzle-solving aspect of putting together sets. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| When you go like, man, why does this... | ||
| When I do it fourth, it kills. | ||
| But if I do it fifth, it's garbage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You try to figure out, well, maybe this needs to be punched up, maybe this should move here. | ||
| I like doing that. | ||
| I like figuring that out. | ||
| Yeah, and there's always those mystery punchlines that you didn't think were going to be a punchline and it crushes. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck is, what are you laughing at? | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| Like, what happened there? | ||
| Dude, the time that you guys were in the back of the room and I said, I used to think Anne Frank and Helen Keller were the same person. | ||
| And I didn't think that was funny at all. | ||
| And you're like, please tell me that's a bit. | ||
| And I was like, no. | ||
| That was at Stand Up On The Spot. | ||
| Stand Up On The Spot. | ||
| That Stand Up On The Spot's the most useful fucking thing ever. | ||
| Super. | ||
| Okay, so which one is it? | ||
| I've got the H6, I've got the H4N, and then the H1N is the one I take with me. | ||
| The H6 is the larger one that's like a taser-looking thing. | ||
| And then which is the one you take with you? | ||
| The tiny one? | ||
| The H1. And that's really little? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's the comparison in the sound between the H1N and the H6? A big jump, in my opinion. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Should be the same. | ||
| Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Should be the same. | |
| How so? | ||
| It should be the same microphones. | ||
| The H6 is just going to allow you to do six tracks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what the six is. | |
| It allows you to do six inputs. | ||
| This is probably just one track or maybe it's two because it's left and right. | ||
| That's why there's two microphones. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| That one's a great... | ||
| I take that with me, and it shows you how much time you have. | ||
| You put a 64 gigabyte mini SD card in, and you get like 118 hours of recording. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How's the battery? | |
| Also, if you do... | ||
| I go through batteries pretty quick, but if you use lithium batteries, it's not that bad. | ||
| So if you do a mini SD card, you could take that mini SD card and put it... | ||
| Like, I just got an Android phone. | ||
| I got this Galaxy Note 9. And it has, it takes up to one terabyte of storage. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Look how pretty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at the stars. | ||
| Is that new? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it takes an SD card? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Yeah, it takes an SD card. | ||
| It takes up to one terabyte of storage. | ||
| It's fucking phenomenal. | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| It's phenomenal. | ||
| It used to be that they were, like, way inferior to iPhones. | ||
| It's not the case anymore. | ||
| In fact, I think, like, look how big that screen is. | ||
| Look how pretty. | ||
| Yeah, that's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look how pretty. | |
| Look how pretty. | ||
| Who makes that? | ||
| Samsung. | ||
| The fingerprint reader is fucking instant, and it has a pen where you can write on the lock screen. | ||
| So on the lock screen, you can take notes and write on the screen. | ||
| I haven't written in my joke book in forever, I feel like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Whoa! | ||
| You're right on the locksmith. | ||
| Yeah, you sure can. | ||
| And then you save those to your notes. | ||
| Bam. | ||
| That's really cool. | ||
| And then this also works as a remote control. | ||
| So if you're playing music, if you're playing music on this thing, while you're playing music, this will start and stop your music. | ||
| It's fucking phenomenal. | ||
| Are you just going to stomp out your iPhone right now? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I'm trying to figure out what to do. | ||
| I've always had that. | ||
| Do you have both numbers go to that same phone? | ||
| No, but the other thing about the new iPhone that Jamie was telling me is that you can have two different phone numbers. | ||
| Were you telling me that? | ||
| No, Brian was. | ||
| You could have two different phone numbers on the new iPhone. | ||
| On the new one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It takes like a second card. | ||
| So say like if you have a business line and a home line, and then you take that SIM card out for the business line, or you disable the business line, and you're like, fuck you! | ||
| So say like if you have a phone that only like your best friends your wife Have and then the next is like agents and other bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, but are you just set up a whole Decoy number for like people you don't want to have your number. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Yeah, but you can also do something like that with what is that thing? | ||
| there's a Google Voice, right? | ||
| Doesn't Google Voice have some shit like that? | ||
| Yeah, you can have that rerouted to your phone number and have like a business line kind of thing. | ||
| Look, look at this. | ||
| This thing... | ||
| It works as a remote control, so check this out. | ||
| I'll crank it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can take pictures with it too, right? | |
| Yep. | ||
| So you're using that pen? | ||
| Yeah, watch. | ||
| See that? | ||
| I'll press it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Box kind of patsy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Come on. | ||
| How many of those pens do you get? | ||
| Like 10? | ||
| No, it sticks right in here. | ||
| Fits in there. | ||
| Bang. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
| And it charges. | ||
| It's Bluetooth. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Syncs up to your phone. | ||
| Maybe I'll get one of those as a burner phone. | ||
| Well, it's $1,000. | ||
| You wouldn't really want it as a burner phone. | ||
| It's kind of a primary phone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm leaning towards it as my main phone. | ||
| I really am. | ||
| I mean, I'm going to see. | ||
| The thing about the walled garden of iPhones is you just get used to that ecosystem. | ||
| And right now, my zone is all on my iPhone. | ||
| This thing is still sweaty. | ||
| Touch it if you want. | ||
| Yeah, I want to drink something and see if I can get that murdered sweat inside me. | ||
| You just got to think like that. | ||
| You just got to think that someone's coming after someone you love. | ||
| So wait, let's talk about... | ||
| So for the month... | ||
| That's me! | ||
| He's gonna think about himself. | ||
| He's gonna think of that. | ||
| He's gonna think of rage. | ||
| I think of killing coyotes with my bare hands. | ||
| I think of all kinds of crazy shit. | ||
| I'll tell you what, I'm not even bugging around. | ||
| I'm going to find my inner voice that speaks to me when I need that explosivity. | ||
| He's gonna find your dark place. | ||
| That's easy access for me, man. | ||
| It doesn't take much. | ||
| Someone said, why is it so difficult for Tom for Sober October? | ||
| He should take time off of thinking about murdering baristas. | ||
| If you guys don't know, him and his wife have been doing this thing where... | ||
| You guys had, like, if you murdered somebody, would you turn me into the cops? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was blown away by her answer. | ||
| She was like, 100%. | ||
| I was like, are you out of your fucking mind? | ||
| She goes, well, was it an accident? | ||
| I'm like, no, I just told you that I killed somebody. | ||
| And I got the body in the trunk and no one knows. | ||
| She's like, you're a psycho. | ||
| I don't know what you're going to do. | ||
| You're going to kill me next. | ||
| I'm like, why would I kill you next? | ||
| She's like, but why'd you kill this guy? | ||
| I'm like, because he pissed me off. | ||
| It's like, you know, I killed somebody that I got. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I'm like, I'm sorry. | ||
| You fucked up just like you called that lady a cunt. | ||
| Right! | ||
| Got out of hand. | ||
| Shouldn't have to go to jail forever. | ||
| You're my fucking ace, right? | ||
| You're not going to turn me in. | ||
| She's like, oh no, you're unpredictable. | ||
| She's your ride or die. | ||
| That's what I thought. | ||
| Don't worry, I'm your ride or die. | ||
| You call me if you kill someone. | ||
| I've got the shovel ready. | ||
| I'm taking it to the next level. | ||
| If you come over with a body in the trunk, and you go, I've got a body in the trunk. | ||
| I get the shovel, and you come out, and the body starts to get up out of the trunk, I'll hit him with the shovel and make sure he's dead. | ||
| That's what's up, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was a close call. | ||
| Where are we going? | ||
| Where are we going to go? | ||
| Oh, do you know how much fun we'd have figuring out a place to go bury a body? | ||
| Yeah, it'd be hard. | ||
| I can take you guys places. | ||
| See, this is a conversation I wanted with her. | ||
| Yeah, why wouldn't she do this? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| She's like, I got babies now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I fucking... | |
| Like, alright, whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Anyways, I was just telling her, she was like, why did you kill the guy? | ||
| I was like, alright, let's just hypothetically say. | ||
| Why does that matter? | ||
| We talked about that on the ride to the desert. | ||
| Maybe the guy called you a cunt, so I had to kill him. | ||
| I killed the guy I called my cunt. | ||
| I told her he fucked up my coffee order. | ||
| I called her a cunt. | ||
| Yeah, that's definitely excusable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| She said if somebody hurt the family or something, she was like, then it's 100% fair. | ||
| She goes, but if you're laying in wait, just premeditated, hanging out, stalking people, she goes, Dad, I gotta turn you in on it. | ||
| I'm like, I still think that's bullshit. | ||
| You're my wife. | ||
| Why the fuck are you ratting on me? | ||
| My wife would do the killing for me. | ||
| If someone broke into our house, no questions asked. | ||
| I already know. | ||
| Your wife would gun somebody down. | ||
| I'd give her the gun and go. | ||
| Your wife, you think you tell her? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But she'd be like, alright, you gotta go handle this. | ||
| She'd be like, I knew it was coming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maritime! | |
| Alright, guys. | ||
| We've been prepping for this. | ||
| As long as you're nice to the kids. | ||
| Yeah, there you go. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| What's crazy is that used to be super normal to kill people. | ||
| You mean like in human history? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| 200 years ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Super normal. | ||
| We had a president that killed somebody. | ||
| Oh yeah, in a duel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can you imagine how normal, though, where it wouldn't even be worth bringing up that you killed somebody that day? | ||
| I mean, if you go back far enough, it's like, yeah, people are just stabbed and there's battles. | ||
| Do you think they had their Me Too movement of going like, hey, we've got to stop killing people, man? | ||
| Yeah, when do people just totally stop killing people? | ||
| There had to be a movement where people were like, My dad was murdered, and no one cares. | ||
| And your dad was murdered. | ||
| He's like, yeah, that kind of hurt me, too. | ||
| He's like, yeah, this fucking sucks, man. | ||
| Is it like the Dark Ages, like, coming out of that? | ||
| Oh, no, no, no. | ||
| Dark Ages is where you had no free will. | ||
| When I watch, when that Game of Thrones, when they cut his dick off in Game of Thrones, it clicked with the part of me where I went, helplessness. | ||
| The idea that you can't go, this isn't fair, you're not allowed to do that. | ||
| That helplessness, it gave me a panic attack. | ||
| Think about that when you're on the treadmill, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm. | |
| Them cutting my dick off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| Cutting anybody's dick off. | ||
| Just think of that feeling. | ||
| Just think of those kind of people out there. | ||
| Like helplessness. | ||
| Right, and if you're tired, you can't get away. | ||
| When they bound, I watched the Marco Polo thing, and when they bound that little girl's feet. | ||
| Is that the Netflix show? | ||
| Yeah, it was great. | ||
| I didn't watch that. | ||
| I watched like one or two episodes. | ||
| It seemed okay. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| Was it good? | ||
| Well, I like history. | ||
| I like anything history. | ||
| That's why I used to have on Dan. | ||
| Dan Carlin? | ||
| Dude, I love history. | ||
| And so, Marco Polo really knew Genghis Khan, apparently. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so... | ||
| I think he knew Genghis Khan's son. | ||
| I think it's Kublai Khan. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right. | ||
| Yeah, it's Kublai Khan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like history. | ||
| I'm a stickler for details, though. | ||
| Well, the Khans, you know, the reign was a long time. | ||
| I mean, during Genghis Khan's lifetime, they estimated that he killed and his people killed 10% of the world's population. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God! | |
| They killed so many people, they changed the carbon footprint of the world. | ||
| They literally changed how many people were burning things. | ||
| They literally changed it in core samples. | ||
| Like when you do a core sample on the earth, the carbon footprint of human beings is less while he was alive because he killed one out of ten human beings that lived. | ||
| So he was eco-friendly for what he did? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He was very green. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That's the weird thing that Dan Carlin goes over in his Wrath of the Khan series, which is like one of the greatest history series of all time. | ||
| I can't recommend it enough. | ||
| It's a life changer. | ||
| I wish I could go back to the day I found it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was like seven part series or whatever, and I'd play it, lay in bed, fall asleep, wake up, and have to go find out where I left off. | ||
| So good. | ||
| And I'd have dreams of being a Khan. | ||
| I remember having a dream of learning how to shoot a pigeon in the air. | ||
| We had to wait for all four hoofs off the ground? | ||
| I had a dream because I was listening to it sleeping. | ||
| Dude, I had the most... | ||
| I'm sorry, keep going. | ||
| No, go ahead. | ||
| I had the most active... | ||
| What is it when you dream and you're awake? | ||
| Lucid. | ||
| I had the most lucid fucking dream last night. | ||
| The most lucid dream. | ||
| I walked into this closet... | ||
| And I was on all fours, and I go, I'm not awake. | ||
| I think I'm dreaming. | ||
| And I went, I am dreaming. | ||
| I said, interesting. | ||
| And I sat crisscross applesauce, and I said, I want a beautiful woman to walk in the closet. | ||
| And a beautiful woman walked in the closet, and I went, I think I'm going to go down on her. | ||
| And I was like, yeah, this is a dream. | ||
| There's no cheating. | ||
| My wife's in Vietnam. | ||
| Let's go down on her. | ||
| I started going down on her, and I was like... | ||
| Where's this leading? | ||
| I think I'm going to fuck her. | ||
| I said, I should fuck her. | ||
| And then I was like, oh, yeah, we're fucking her. | ||
| And then I woke up. | ||
| I went, God damn it. | ||
| I wanted to stay back in it. | ||
| Should have went right to fucking. | ||
| All that eating pussy just wasted time. | ||
| She had the biggest clit. | ||
| How big? | ||
| Like a 10-inch dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Like a knuckle! | ||
| Like a big black 10-inch dick. | ||
| You get stuck in your throat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
When she came, I almost drowned. | |
| What is it? | ||
| What were you saying about the Dan Carlin thing? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| You're gonna access your rage from one of those moments. | ||
| Yeah, access your rage thinking about how you couldn't fuck her and you sucked her dick. | ||
| There's a lot of rage there. | ||
| That's super upsetting. | ||
| I mean, I used to do little tricks like that to get myself to work out harder. | ||
| That's why I have those in my head. | ||
| I just used to always feel like If the worst case scenario happened and you needed energy, how tired are you really? | ||
| Are you really tired? | ||
| Are you tired like, oh, I'm tired. | ||
| I just need to stop. | ||
| Or are you tired like, I can't survive right now. | ||
| Or are you tired like, someone I love dearly is in trouble and I can't help them. | ||
| How tired are you? | ||
| Yeah, that's different levels of tired for sure. | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to put those things up every day, motherfucker. | ||
| You're going to see those images of these workouts every day. | ||
| And I'm doing two a day. | ||
| You're doing two workouts a day? | ||
| Two a day like that. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| I already did mine today. | ||
| I walked three miles. | ||
| On that bullshit fucking treadmill that we were talking about. | ||
| Andy Stump's treadmill? | ||
| You don't like that? | ||
| Dude, it just is not enjoyable. | ||
| Because it's hard. | ||
| It's hard as fuck. | ||
| Yeah, but that's the whole idea behind it. | ||
| It's a difficult trip. | ||
| We are going for point total, right? | ||
| That's the move, right? | ||
| Well, I mean, there was two. | ||
| What are the other things? | ||
| The initial thought I had was, like, last year, it was 15 90-minute hot yoga classes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So the idea was... | ||
| I'm going to do those, too. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, the idea for that was that it was difficult but attainable, right? | ||
| And you had to be disciplined to do it. | ||
| So now you're going to do two workouts a day and 15 minutes? | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to count the yoga as one. | ||
| As one, okay. | ||
| As one of the workouts a day. | ||
| And then another hardcore one. | ||
| I'm doing the 15 hot yoga classes on top of all the other shit. | ||
| What is this number, the 1005? | ||
| That's your calories burned. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| That's what I said when you walked in. | ||
| I've never once burned a thousand calories in a workout. | ||
| That's a lot of fucking calories. | ||
| Yeah, it is a lot. | ||
| What's a normal workout burn? | ||
| I mean, if you're doing an intense one. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I mean, here, I'll show you. | ||
| I got a bunch of them locked in here. | ||
| It says 98% of my heart rate max. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's going to adjust. | |
| It's going to adjust. | ||
| Yeah, because it's 175. Yeah, it's going to adjust. | ||
| I think it's because I'm an old fuck. | ||
| It just thinks my heart rate doesn't go that high anymore. | ||
| It doesn't know I'm on the juice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The number starts. | |
| It says it's 220 minus your age is your max heart rate zone or something like that. | ||
| Well, that's not real. | ||
| So, yeah, the older you are, the lower your max is. | ||
| Well, it's broken. | ||
| The shit don't work, right? | ||
| I should be dead. | ||
| I think that's just where it should be. | ||
| I don't think that's, like, the max you're at. | ||
| All right, I did a workout a couple days ago, 63 minutes, 72% effort throughout, 864 calories burned. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| 864? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's a good workout. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then this one... | ||
| That was a 62-minute workout? | ||
| Is that what you said? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This was a 93-minute workout. | ||
| I burned 1,300 calories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Is this real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could do that. | ||
| You could do that. | ||
| But you'd have to go hog. | ||
| Whole hog. | ||
| This was kickboxing. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You did a 90-minute kickboxing workout? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| We did kickboxing for part of it. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| So you've got a trainer now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, look at you. | ||
| Mr. Tommy Moneybags. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Couple of Netflix specials, sell out a few theaters. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's not saying he's doing more than selling out theaters. | ||
| His pre-sale sold out everything. | ||
| Selling out everything, huh? | ||
| When you're moving to arenas, fella? | ||
| Hey, speaking of arenas... | ||
| How was Toronto? | ||
| Fucking insane. | ||
| What is it like when you're doing 10,000 people? | ||
| 10,600 people at the Scotiabank Arena. | ||
| It was the Air Canada Center. | ||
| The UFC's back there in December. | ||
| Isn't that crazy that you're going to be like, oh, one time I was here alone talking. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| And then you see it filled for events like that. | ||
| I mean, that's where the fucking Raptors play. | ||
| It's so ridiculous. | ||
| It doesn't seem real. | ||
| But I gotta say, the show felt like as intimate as a set at the store. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm not bullshitting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it was fucking nuts. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, it was fucking easy peasy. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| I mean, it was literally like any other set. | ||
| I was nervous that I wasn't nervous. | ||
| I was nervous that I was... | ||
| I mean, I did a lot of sets leading up to it, like when I did... | ||
| I constantly do sets, but I did like... | ||
| I did four sets Thursday night. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I did the Ice House Wednesday, so I did an hour-plus at the Ice House. | ||
| I did three sets on... | ||
| On Tuesday night. | ||
| Yeah, I mean that's that's I think that's the key is you just got to do Yeah, you have to just do so many that you're you're just Just like working out you can't have any doubt you got to be just in shape I just sent you a video. | ||
| This is this is shows you how ridiculous the crowd looked But when you're but you're also getting used to arenas because you've done a few now. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| This is your fourth arena fourth. | ||
| Yeah, maybe fifth I did I did Columbus Vancouver I did Columbus. | ||
| I did Kansas City. | ||
| Kansas City was weird because it was outside. | ||
| That was weird. | ||
| That's like an amphitheater, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I saw that. | ||
| But this was the biggest one. | ||
| This one was bananas. | ||
| You're wild, man. | ||
| I'm stressing, Tom and I are doing tours at the exact same time next year, and I'm stressing doing theaters, 1200 in the theater, going like, fuck it. | ||
| How do you, like... | ||
| It gets normal, man, after a while. | ||
| It gets normal. | ||
| Scoot ahead just a couple of seconds and you can see it when I get on stage. | ||
| Like, watch when they turn the lights on. | ||
| This is what's really strange. | ||
| When you get to look out over the entire audience. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's fucking ridiculous. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's madness. | ||
| That is... | ||
| That's wild, man. | ||
| Dude, that... | ||
| And there's an upper deck. | ||
| That... | ||
| It doesn't seem real and it just happened. | ||
| And you did this and the same night Burr did the forum. | ||
|
unidentified
|
20,000. | |
| No, the forum's not 20,000. | ||
| The forum's 9,000. | ||
| The Western Forum? | ||
| The Great Western Forum. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| The thing online said it was 20,000 people. | ||
| I think they're wrong because Dean Del Rey said it was 9,000. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I think they just made a mistake. | ||
| But it's huge. | ||
| Either way. | ||
| It's huge. | ||
| So I was thinking last night, and I know that you're not like this. | ||
| I know you're a little bit like this, but to compare different times of comedy, right? | ||
| And compare people. | ||
| I know you don't like comparing people, but has there ever been a time in comedy where this many acts were selling arenas, this many acts were selling theaters, and this many acts were selling out clubs? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Well, Burr's sold out Madison Square Garden, which is way bigger than that. | ||
| Madison Square Garden, I think, is 18,000. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| Sebastian is ready to sell four. | ||
| He's already sold out three. | ||
| They opened up a fourth show at Madison Square Garden. | ||
| Just stop and think about that. | ||
| That's almost 80,000 people. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's like a fucking NFL game. | ||
| Stadium. | ||
| Sebastian's murdering it. | ||
| Just look at theater comics. | ||
| Just legit selling multiple theater shows. | ||
| Eliza, D'Elia, you can name any of you. | ||
| You go down the list. | ||
| Aziz. | ||
| There's so many comics selling theaters that I don't think there's ever been a time... | ||
| No. | ||
| There's never been a time like this. | ||
| Never. | ||
| There's never been a time when this many comics are selling out multiple thousand seat places. | ||
| And then there's the big... | ||
| First of all, there's Kevin Hart, who's the biggest of the big. | ||
| He sells out 50,000. | ||
| Cat Williams is actually a lot bigger than he is. | ||
| Cat Williams? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I watched it on The Breakfast Club. | ||
| I'm joking. | ||
| I'm joking. | ||
| You didn't see Cat Williams just slam him? | ||
| I don't pay attention to that shit. | ||
| That was pretty fun. | ||
| I like Cat. | ||
| I like Kevin, too. | ||
| I like Cat, too, but he's... | ||
| He's eccentric at best. | ||
| No, Kevin's the biggest monster. | ||
| Kevin's the biggest. | ||
| He's the biggest monster. | ||
| He can sell 50,000. | ||
| He sold 50,000 in Philadelphia when he did his special. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's only one of him. | ||
| But you know who's real close to him that people forget about is Larry the Cable Guy. | ||
| Because Larry the Cable Guy was selling out football stadiums because Josh Wolfe was opening for him and Josh Wolfe took a picture and showed it to me. | ||
| And he goes, dude, this was me on stage opening up for Larry the Cable Guy. | ||
| And you're like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But people don't think about, first of all, Larry the Cable Guy is like the most humble, low-key. | ||
| Yeah, plus he's doing that in like the Heartland, so people will just dismiss it because it's not like an L.A. show or a New York show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| So those two guys, I think Kevin Hart is numero uno. | ||
| He's number one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then there's Chappelle could basically do anything. | ||
| He sells out Master's Square Garden. | ||
| He sold out the fucking Forum. | ||
| Not the Forum. | ||
| The Hollywood Bowl. | ||
| Yeah, that's huge. | ||
| What is that, $20,000? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's like $20,000. | ||
| He has amphitheater offers, like left and right. | ||
| And then they'll probably be like, yeah, you do a show. | ||
| You'll get like $700,000. | ||
| He'll be like, I'm going to do the belly room. | ||
| And then he just goes and does that. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| Because he likes it. | ||
| He likes the intimate shows. | ||
| Well, he's also... | ||
| I hate to use a term like this, but he's a legitimate artist. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's just trying to do better work, do better comedy, and always evolve it. | ||
| He's one of the rare guys that could do a special, and then the next week we'll have a new hour. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And somehow or another it works. | ||
| It just comes out of him. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I mean, he's just supremely dedicated, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So there's him. | ||
| There's Chris Rock. | ||
| He can still sell out pretty big places. | ||
| If Louie came back, I think he could sell out giant places. | ||
| Giant. | ||
| Burr sells out everywhere he wants to. | ||
| Burr could sell out... | ||
| He sold out Boston Garden, which is like $18,000. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wells Fargo Center in Philly. | ||
| How big is that? | ||
| $15,000. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, he could sell out all those places. | ||
| It's really hard to put in perspective, and I think you guys can understand this, but I mean... | ||
| You were selling out clubs, what, like, 17 years ago were you just doing clubs? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| But when you were selling out clubs, when you were selling out just clubs, that's an achievement in this business. | ||
| I mean, to sell out weekends and ad shows is a legit achievement. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Definitely. | |
| But it's so undermined when you go in and you do San Jose or you do whatever and you sell out everything and then go, oh my god, like, holy shit. | ||
| The possibilities are endless. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's the internet. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| There's this network of comics now that everybody knows about. | ||
| If you know about Bill, you know about Joey Diaz, you know about you, you know about you. | ||
| It's like there's this thing going on now where everyone's sort of connected. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's never existed before. | ||
| And then a lot of these people, not Sebastian, he's one of the rare ones that doesn't, but most of these people have podcasts. | ||
| Kevin Hart doesn't, obviously, but Kevin Hart has major movies. | ||
| Sebastian actually does one. | ||
| He does a podcast? | ||
| Yeah, with Pete Correale. | ||
| With Pete Correale, yeah. | ||
| I didn't even know. | ||
| But I don't think he can get to it weekly, but they definitely put it out. | ||
| It's on SiriusXM. | ||
| I think he'd do it specifically for SiriusXM right now. | ||
| Just does it whenever he can get to it. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| You've been in this the longest of the three of us, but have you ever known a time in comedy when comics were more friendly? | ||
| It seems like everyone's on the same team. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| This is a completely different thing. | ||
| I've talked about this before. | ||
| It's because I really believe it's because the internet and also because there's no things we're fighting for anymore like tonight show spots Or stupid shit like that, or sitcom auditions. | ||
| But in the past, it was like there was three channels, and there was The Tonight Show and The Letterman Show, and everybody wanted to host The Tonight Show, but Jay Leno was hosting it forever, or Johnny Carson before him. | ||
| And there was this competition between comics where they were just cutthroat. | ||
| There's not that anymore. | ||
| Now, instead, like radio shows, right? | ||
| Radio shows always shit on the other radio shows. | ||
| Always. | ||
| They always. | ||
| The other morning shows in town, they shit on them. | ||
| It was all shitting on everybody. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| Like Howard Stern was notorious for it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We do the opposite. | ||
| They'd start wars for ratings. | ||
| Yeah, but we do the opposite. | ||
| We all have successful podcasts, but we all have each other on our podcast. | ||
| We're all super friendly about it. | ||
| We all promote each other's specials. | ||
| We all hang out together. | ||
| There's a camaraderie amongst comedians now. | ||
| It used to be like there might be some camaraderie amongst a couple, but it would always go bad. | ||
| There was never a bunch of real headliners hanging out together like they are now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, even the simplest things, like D'Lea does something funny, and I'll just put her, I'll talk about it on my open tabs, and get like half a million views. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then you just go like, I mean, D'Lea's might be one of my favorite people to watch these days, because I just watch his Instagram and go, what's he doing today? | ||
| He's ridiculous. | ||
| I can totally talk about it on my open tabs and just share it with everyone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just go, oh great, Brandon Schaub. | ||
| Dude, it's been funny shit. | ||
| Did you guys see Dean Del Rey sing? | ||
| Yeah, I saw it because you posted it. | ||
| Put that up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's got... | ||
| Okay, so I put that on my Instagram. | ||
| This is another good example. | ||
| I put that on my Instagram and it's got like 700,000 views. | ||
| He can really sing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Yes, he can. | ||
| Yeah, he can. | ||
| Like, he can really sing like, what? | ||
| Like, wait a minute. | ||
| I didn't know you could do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's got... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 70,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
One I never want. | |
| Here it comes, 11. | ||
| Woo, it's a steal from shit. | ||
| And exactly pretty. | ||
| And exactly small. | ||
| One, two, three, four, fifty-six. | ||
| You can see it's a guy alive. | ||
| Never want. | ||
| Never want. Never want. | ||
| Never want. | ||
| Look at him go. | ||
| Look how happy he looks. | ||
| Dean's living his best life, man. | ||
| Look at him I told him I go Send me the whole fucking video man I go, you're a fucking murderer, man. | ||
| He's an inspiration, man. | ||
| He did Conan the night I did Conan, and he was so excited, and it was so amazing to see Burr showed up. | ||
| Everyone was in the back of the room, and he came off. | ||
| He was like, that's my first late night. | ||
| And I think Dean's 50... | ||
| Yeah, you gotta respect it, dude. | ||
| He started stand-up like... | ||
| 46 or something like that? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| It's not common to stick with it and keep getting better at it. | ||
| It was so cool to be on the end of Conan with him, Maren, me, Maren, and Dean. | ||
| Just three comics. | ||
| And that's booking. | ||
| There's no celebrity. | ||
| It's just three comics. | ||
| And Dean's the only one that did stand-up. | ||
| It was just like... | ||
| Oh fuck yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I saw someone said it was it felt like the green room at the main room in the Comedy Store. | ||
| Yeah, and Burr is living, let me tell you something, Bill Burr is living his best fucking life right now. | ||
| He does these, when he does The Garden, or when he does The Forum, they come in with the goddamn Comedy Jam and set up a thing, and they do a full concert to an empty venue before the show. | ||
| Yeah, they just do it for themselves. | ||
| Yeah, that's awesome. | ||
| They just want to play The Forum. | ||
| Bill told me he played from 2 to 6.30. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just played all day. | ||
| He said, I was exhausted. | ||
| He was, I was worried I was too tired to do this show. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| But that's how much fun he's having doing it. | ||
| Dude, what would you do? | ||
| If you did, like, would you set up a football game and play football? | ||
| Yeah, what would you do? | ||
| Man, I mean, I would watch one. | ||
| I would just invite people to come watch a game. | ||
| That'd be fun. | ||
| I mean, he's fucking flying helicopters. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Playing drums. | ||
| I mean, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, no, he's... | ||
| No, this is an interesting time. | ||
| But this is also, it shows you that Because of all this camaraderie and that everybody's doing really well, it shows you that that's possible, that the old way of looking at things is the wrong way. | ||
| That's a selfish, famine-thinking way. | ||
| It's the wrong way. | ||
| I would hire a DJ to bring me out to an event like that, though, if I was doing an arena. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Doesn't Russell do that? | ||
| He does that. | ||
| I think Chappelle does that. | ||
| Did you see Russell brought out MC Shan out on stage to all his white audience? | ||
| And he freestyled, these are the breaks. | ||
| And all the white people just sat there staring at Russell. | ||
| And Russell got up and was like, are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| He brings like old school legends everywhere. | ||
| Well, he'll do a gig and then after a gig he'll go to a club and DJ. Yeah, he will. | ||
| He can actually DJ, too. | ||
| Like, real DJ. He can really DJ. With records and scratching and all that stuff. | ||
| He knows his shit, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He gets mad at those electronic music guys who call themselves DJs. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's not a DJ. That's not a DJ. He goes back, like, you've got to be able to get vinyl, dig through the crates, flip it around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| No, he knows his stuff, man. | ||
| He really does. | ||
| Well, he's another one that sells out. | ||
| He's at that other place, that place that I was at in November. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he's at the Scotiabank Arena. | ||
| Oh yeah, he's done that a bunch, man. | ||
| That's his hometown. | ||
| Selling out giant places. | ||
| There's so much of that going on right now. | ||
| It's like his seventh time doing that, too. | ||
| Oh yeah, at least. | ||
| It's overwhelming, man. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| I had a guy say to me one time, and I think this is what it is. | ||
| I had a guy come up to me at West Palm. | ||
| I was doing New Year's Eve. | ||
| Drunk as fuck. | ||
| Both of us, probably. | ||
| We're both shirtless. | ||
| I'm doing the meet and greet. | ||
| He goes, I need to talk to you for like two minutes. | ||
| Did you think you wanted to fuck you? | ||
| No, I get this a lot. | ||
| That's where I go, I'm good, thanks. | ||
| I'm Johnny, meet and greet. | ||
| And so I go, they're like, sir, you got to move along. | ||
| I'll give them two minutes. | ||
| And he's like, dude, I'm a fan. | ||
| Do you know what that means? | ||
| I was like, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, no, no, no, no. | ||
| You're not listening to me. | ||
| When you do well, I get happy. | ||
| He's like, it makes me happy to see good things happen to you. | ||
| I will always be a fan. | ||
| I'll always support you. | ||
| And as soon as he said that, I thought, it sounds super silly, but... | ||
| Before I met you, I was a fan. | ||
| When the Carlos stuff went down, I got behind your back and I was like, I'm a fan of Joe's. | ||
| I like what he's doing. | ||
| He's standing up for me. | ||
| And in a weird way, being a fan of something is so fucking fun when you become a fan. | ||
| And I think what podcasts have done is allowed you to become intimate with your fans and they support you in a way like people go out and they see a video of Dean singing and they go, oh yeah, I'm happy... | ||
| We're all happy for him. | ||
| When you do 10,000 seats, I think there are people going, fuck yeah, man. | ||
| My guy's winning. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I know what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it's cool. | |
| And we're fans of each other, too. | ||
| That's big, too. | ||
| Also, people realize, hey, you can be a fan of someone. | ||
| It doesn't mean that somehow or another you're a lesser person. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I'm sure Bill Burr is a fan of Chappelle. | ||
| I'm sure Chappelle's a fan of Chris Rock. | ||
| Like, people are fans of other people's art. | ||
| Oh, totally. | ||
| Whereas, I think in the past, that wasn't the case. | ||
| It was not. | ||
| It was about separate camps. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was like, I'm in this, if you're on that side, which is so dumb. | ||
| So dumb. | ||
| Because you can also, it's like, you know, you can like one type of music the most, but still enjoy other music. | ||
| Don't you think that? | ||
| I think that when the internet opened up all these possibilities, that's when it happened, though. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| It seems like it to me. | ||
| I think it was podcasting. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Podcasting, I guess that is the internet. | ||
| I'm sorry, I was thinking of YouTube for some reason. | ||
| But can you imagine Dice and Kinison? | ||
| They hated each other. | ||
| They hated each other. | ||
| That was the way it worked. | ||
| That was the bullet hole at the store, the belly room store. | ||
| That's because Sam Kinison brought a gun and shot the fucking sign to let Dice know that he was going to fucking shoot him. | ||
| He didn't just pull out a gun. | ||
| He pulled out a gun and shot a fucking sign. | ||
| That's really crazy. | ||
| Yeah, they just fixed it a few years ago. | ||
| I was mad when they fixed it. | ||
| Yeah, they should have left. | ||
| Why would you fix that? | ||
| That's really crazy, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| God, I gotta start doing that to you, Bert. | ||
| Just shooting things. | ||
| Pulling guns out. | ||
| Pulling guns out on people. | ||
| Where's Bert's name? | ||
| Shoot it and shoot the sign. | ||
| Yeah, but I think those guys were doing coke, too, and we smoked pot. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It's way different. | ||
| It's way different. | ||
| That might be the key ingredient to this whole thing. | ||
| You smoke pot, you want to hug people. | ||
| You do coke, you're like, you want to fight, bro? | ||
| I'll fuck you up. | ||
| I'll hold you down. | ||
| I'll fuck your mouth. | ||
| I'll fuck your mother. | ||
| I'll fuck your mother's mother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll dig up her mother and fuck her bones. | |
| And then I'll start a business! | ||
| It's also, everyone was scratching and clawing. | ||
| There wasn't a lot of opportunities. | ||
| I think it's the pot, too, though. | ||
| I think it's guys like Diaz and Ari and you and me, there's a different sensibility. | ||
| There's a more generous sensibility. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I mean, I think it's everything. | ||
| For me, I'm big on generosity, and I'm big on support. | ||
| I think you have to do that with people around you. | ||
| It does become contagious, too. | ||
| When you have it done to you, you want to do it for other people, for sure. | ||
| It's giant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Help out opening acts. | ||
| Help out other comics. | ||
| And as you rise up, they'll do the same. | ||
| They'll do the same for the other guys. | ||
| And you see them doing that, they'll start taking guys with them on the road. | ||
| Spread it around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look, man, who do we like more than comics? | ||
| And who do you want to hang out with more than comedians? | ||
| We're the most fun for us to hang out with. | ||
| We could say ridiculous shit and then we'll laugh at it. | ||
| We won't like, well, I don't know why you said that, Tom. | ||
| You shouldn't have called that lady a cunt. | ||
| Especially not her friend. | ||
| And then, you know, I think you owe her son an apology. | ||
| I mean, if I was her son, I would have clocked you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People wouldn't think it's funny. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| If you were working at Xerox and you said all that, people would, you know, they'd bring you into your HR. You're a liability. | ||
| We've got to let you go. | ||
| We've got to let you go. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And those are the worst people to, like, get stuck at a dinner with or something. | ||
| You know, you're like, oh, shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just got to torture them. | ||
| Yeah, it's the worst. | ||
| Yeah, I used to feel terrible when I was around those people. | ||
| I used to feel like there was something wrong with me. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Real stuck-up, super conservative people. | ||
| I would just think, oh, there's something wrong with me. | ||
| Why do I think this way? | ||
| Why do I always want to say the inappropriate thing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a muscle twitch. | ||
| You go, just see how far you can make it happen. | ||
| Of course! | ||
| You start talking, and then you're like... | ||
| That can be an education in a foot race. | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| You hurt me. | ||
| Put your money where you mouth is, asshole. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And then you just see eyes widen and they're like, okay. | ||
| And you're like, dude, we're not at a seminar right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And that's what's bullshit about seminars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, can you imagine if you were in the world of business? | ||
| See, I really think this is one of the reasons why so many people are so fucked up and so depressed. | ||
| I think the world of showing up to a place and then... | ||
| Having your behavior limited into this very narrow and rigid parameters all day long and your livelihood and your success of your family and whether or not you can send your kids to a good school, all that depended upon whether or not you're willing to play the rules. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You have to wear an outfit with a suit and a tie because if you don't, you might be unpredictable. | ||
| And you show up with that t-shirt on. | ||
| He's got a football shirt on at work. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Is he drunk? | ||
| What is he, crazy? | ||
| He's doing drugs? | ||
| It's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| I've never let it join around people that don't just like joints around people. | ||
| Yeah, Elon Musk. | ||
| I crashed Tesla's stock by $9 billion or some stupid shit. | ||
| So crazy. | ||
| Yeah, but not really. | ||
| It bounced right back. | ||
| It bounced back, but yeah. | ||
| But it's that world. | ||
| First of all, we were drinking whiskey, okay? | ||
| No one has a problem with that, which is way more of a hard drug, way more of a crazy drug than a little puff of a joint. | ||
| We were drinking whiskey. | ||
| No one cared. | ||
| We drank whiskey for three hours. | ||
| No one cared. | ||
| Smoked a little joint. | ||
| I don't even think he inhaled. | ||
| Didn't look like it. | ||
| Didn't look like it. | ||
| He looked like a ninth grader. | ||
| He didn't know what to do. | ||
| He took a little puff. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| New kid at school. | ||
| Just means everyone just wants to, oh, I'd do it too. | ||
| Not bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fascinating. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| I mean, another layer of it, you did it in California. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Totally legal. | ||
| Totally legal. | ||
| Yeah, it's no different than having that glass of whiskey. | ||
| You know California said you could fly with it now? | ||
| What? | ||
| LAX said you could have an ounce of weed with you on an airplane. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They said, we don't know what the fuck's going to happen when you land somewhere, but you can go through LAX with an ounce of weed. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| By the way, I looked up private suite after I talked to you. | ||
| Super expensive. | ||
| So expensive. | ||
| Stupid expensive. | ||
| How did you know about it? | ||
| Sam Harris. | ||
| He told me about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm like, I like people. | ||
| I don't mind going to the airport and saying hi to people. | ||
| That thing is like $7,000 a flight. | ||
| It was round trip, yeah. | ||
| No! | ||
| I think it was $3,000. | ||
| Well, the membership, I thought the membership was it, and they're like, membership gets you the prices, so you pay $4,500 to be a member, and then $2,700 for a domestic flight. | ||
| Per flight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For, like, your own entrance, you know, whatever, your own meals, your own check-in, your own TSA. Yeah, you get, like, a little room you hang out in. | ||
| I think it sounded cool for, like, a family vacation or something, you know? | ||
| If you're Chris Pratt, it definitely makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you're some A-list actor-type person who can't go anywhere. | ||
| Yeah, if you're Tom Cruise. | ||
| Well, he's... | ||
| But those guys, they have to fly private. | ||
| They do. | ||
| They own their own planes, most of them. | ||
| There's some article online about John Travolta's yacht. | ||
| Pull up John Travolta's yacht. | ||
| I bet if you went over that fucking thing with a black light... | ||
| It would look like a Jackson Pollock painting. | ||
| Just be fucking splatters. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| He got a new yacht? | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, apparently. | ||
| Well, the Cabin Boys place really is lighting up. | ||
| Cabin Boys place got five locks on the door. | ||
| He's got bolts on the inside and outside. | ||
| All the deckhands are really worn out here, yeah. | ||
| He's got very weird latex outfits for them to wear. | ||
| Yeah, it's... | ||
| The money that that fucking guy must have. | ||
| God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's got his own jet and he has his own like a jet jet. | ||
| He has a 747. Yeah. | ||
| He has a 747. Yes. | ||
| And he has a runway in his house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For what? | |
| He has like multiple planes. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Full story behind Travolta's private jet fleet. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| He's got his arm out the window. | ||
| Do you think he flies with a window open? | ||
| That's a fucking commercial plane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In the back room, it's all like a slip and slide with baby oil. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look how many he has, it says. | ||
| He's got multiple Gulfstreams. | ||
| You know, he flew for Qantas as a commercial pilot. | ||
| He did? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like on... | ||
| They actually let him fly. | ||
| He's that good of a pilot. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That I think he has some sort of commercial standing with Qantas. | ||
| He has a military jet. | ||
| Just in case someone calls him a homo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Flies over and fucking buttons him down. | |
| That's really crazy. | ||
| Some guy gets mad at him asking to get a handjob at a massage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See if you... | |
| That's his jet. | ||
| That's his yacht? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's his yacht. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Christ. | |
| I didn't see any stories about it by this. | ||
| Hashtag baller. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is ballin'. | ||
| That's a crazy yacht, man. | ||
| I mean, that's like a $100 million yacht right there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where did he make all his money? | |
| I mean, how much money did he make from like Pulp Fiction? | ||
| He had that one great movie about being a Russian spy or teaching a Russian spy. | ||
| His wealth wealth wasn't... | ||
| He kind of depleted when Pulp Fiction was like around 93. And then that made him so famous and hot again that he was a $20 million movie guy while that was lasting. | ||
| Face-off. | ||
| Yeah, all those movies. | ||
| But he's doing terrible movies now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is he? | ||
| Yeah, he did that Gotti movie. | ||
| It's supposed to be... | ||
| We should probably have a fight companion for Gotti. | ||
| I heard it was really bad. | ||
| I've heard it's so bad. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| We should do... | ||
| November rolls around, we can get drunk again. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Let's get hammered and watch this Gotti movie. | ||
| It's supposed to be a wretched sack of shit. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's do it. | |
| Let's do it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We'll do that. | ||
| We've been meaning to do that. | ||
| What was the other terrible movie we were meaning to do that with? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have it on. | |
| It's called Roar. | ||
| The movie about lions. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| There was a movie where a guy who was a lion trainer actually made a movie with lions and a bunch of people that were making the thing. | ||
| Oh, play the clip. | ||
| Let's hear the clip. | ||
| Do you have the wrong music playing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The music is really the Sting song? | |
| That's a piece of shit movie this is. | ||
| The trailer sucks. | ||
| Look, this is like an acting class. | ||
| Good, let it play out. | ||
| Oh, will YouTube yank us for the audio? | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| There's a look he just did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at his face! | |
| The truth! | ||
| Dude, it's so fake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, kill it. | |
| Kill it. | ||
| I can't do this. | ||
| This is so bad. | ||
| I almost feel like you can't even do a mobster anymore. | ||
| It's like it feels like a joke to play. | ||
| You could do it, but it would have to be like you have to bring James Gandolfini back to life. | ||
| Like if James Gandolfini was alive today, he could do a Sopranos movie. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Because you believed it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's got to be authentic. | ||
| Yeah, you'd believe it. | ||
| Scorsese could probably do it again. | ||
| There's just a bunch of people. | ||
| He's got a new one coming. | ||
| When he's playing young God, he just looks like a grown-up Danny Zuko. | ||
| Hey, apparently Danny and the Greasers. | ||
| I'll tell you what, man. | ||
| The T-Birds. | ||
| After the Sopranos came on the air, everybody wanted to be Italian. | ||
| It was one of those gross moments in time where all these Italians were, like, empowered, and they were all talking like goombas, and they all wanted to fucking get together and have pasta. | ||
| A little fucking pasta together. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| They, like, ramped it up. | ||
| They say mozzarella. | ||
| Mozzarella. | ||
| Mozzarella. | ||
| Lots started doing the hand gestures like the guys. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| There's a lot of that going on. | ||
| And, you know, as a person who's legitimately Italian, it was disgusting to me. | ||
| I was like, you fucking apes. | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you see it. | ||
| Yeah, they ramped it up, you know? | ||
| And Greek people are like, I'm Italian. | ||
| Start pretending that they're... | ||
| People would pretend! | ||
| For sure. | ||
| There was a time where there were so many auditions for so many fucking movies that was all about Italians. | ||
| All Italians, yeah. | ||
| What is this, Life on the Line? | ||
| A power line guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Come on! | ||
| By the way, we should... | ||
| This is probably worse, for sure. | ||
| What the fuck?! | ||
| How about Urban Cowboy? | ||
| This is the premise of Urban Cowboy. | ||
| Urban Cowboy works on the line. | ||
| We'll have a double feature. | ||
| It'll be a three hour night. | ||
| We'll play Gotti and we'll play Life on the Line. | ||
| We'll have people sync it up. | ||
| This is what we'll do. | ||
| Mark those two. | ||
| Mark those two movies. | ||
| And so we'll get those on the Netflix. | ||
| And after Sober October's over, we'll get fucking hammered. | ||
| We'll bring a five gallon jug of Tito's in here. | ||
| We'll play two movies. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I rented a Bruce Willis one to laugh at. | ||
| I was like, this is going to be a piece of shit. | ||
| And it didn't get bad until like 25 minutes were left. | ||
| I was actually, this is a pretty good movie. | ||
| What movie was this? | ||
| I think it's called Death Wish, which I think it's a remake. | ||
| Death Wish? | ||
| Bruce Willis? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And it was actually really well done until like third act. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Then it like fell apart. | ||
| But I'm watching it like, this is going to be a piece of shit. | ||
| And 30 minutes in, I'm like, this is a good fucking movie. | ||
| It was like that with The Snowman. | ||
| Did you see The Snowman? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| What was The Snowman? | ||
| Death Wish, Bruce Willis. | ||
| It's better than I thought. | ||
| That movie got delayed for some reason. | ||
| Why did it get delayed? | ||
| Because of mass shootings or something? | ||
| Oh, boy. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Yeah, something along those lines. | ||
| 6.4 at IMDB. I mean, the trailer makes it seem like real dog shit. | ||
| Yeah, but you're talking to me, a guy, I enjoyed Hudson Hawk. | ||
| Hudson Hawk was good. | ||
| I enjoyed it. | ||
| Marlboro Man. | ||
| What was it, Harley and the Marlboro Man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
8%. | |
| Dude, the snowman ends. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Spoiler alert, the snowman ends. | ||
| It's this guy. | ||
| Don't spoil it. | ||
| Dude, it's so ridiculous. | ||
| It's so fucking ridiculous. | ||
| What's it about? | ||
| It's about a serial killer who is leaving snowmans as hints. | ||
| And he's cutting off body parts and then arranging them in the snow. | ||
| Michael Fassbender is an alcoholic cop who is trying to solve it. | ||
| Who's Michael Fassbender? | ||
| That guy. | ||
| Is he the guy from Prometheus? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Is he the robot from Prometheus? | ||
| It takes place abroad, right? | ||
| Yeah, it takes place. | ||
| But man... | ||
| I don't want to talk negatively, but Val Kilmer's performance is so disturbing that it pulls you out of the movie immediately. | ||
| Is he terrible in it? | ||
| No, it's when he's going through the throat stuff. | ||
| And they dubbed his voice. | ||
| In what? | ||
| In this? | ||
| They had him dub his voice. | ||
| So they took out his voice because he couldn't understand him, I guess. | ||
| And then they dubbed his voice. | ||
| I mean, it's like, it's so bad that it pulls you out. | ||
| And you're like, you definitely should have just not had him in the movie. | ||
| And let him get healthy. | ||
| I think he's doing better now, hopefully. | ||
| No, I think he is. | ||
| I think he's going into remission. | ||
| You know, I'll tell you what, man. | ||
| He fucking stole this show in Wyatt Earp. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Val Kilmer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude! | |
| I'm your Huckleberry. | ||
| Remember that shit? | ||
| You name all the movies. | ||
| Heat, The Doors. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was murderous. | ||
| He was a monster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Murderous. | |
| Val Kilmer is a motherfucker of an actor. | ||
| True genius. | ||
| See if you can get that scene from Val Kilmer as... | ||
| Doc Holliday. | ||
| Doc Holliday in Wyatt Earp. | ||
| The funniest piece of shit he made was The Saint. | ||
| Did you see The Saint? | ||
| I saw The Saint and I liked The Saint. | ||
| That was a superhero movie, right? | ||
| No, it was like a spy, like I play, I get in disguise. | ||
| Here, crank this up. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| This is the very end. | ||
| Okay, the audio will be pulled off. | ||
| This is a great fucking scene. | ||
| This is a great scene. | ||
| The thing about this scene is you believe it. | ||
| You just believe it. | ||
| When that dude realizes it's the wrong guy. | ||
| I didn't understand this scene until recently. | ||
| People can't hear this on the YouTube? | ||
| No? | ||
| Okay, so they're making a talk? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't understand that he's... | ||
| This is him. | ||
| The reason the guy's... | ||
| I didn't understand why the guy was scared. | ||
| It's because Doc Holliday wants to die in a gunfight. | ||
| Yeah, because he's dying. | ||
| Yeah, he wants to be shot. | ||
| Also, he was killing everybody. | ||
| Doc Holliday was a fucking monster. | ||
| And this guy was a wannabe badass. | ||
| And he realized that Doc Holliday was going to fuck him up. | ||
| I've never seen this. | ||
| You never saw this? | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| I don't like westerns. | ||
| I hate horses. | ||
| You hate horses? | ||
| I do. | ||
| Why do you hate horses? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I've just never liked them. | ||
| Hey, this isn't about fucking horses, Tom. | ||
| I don't like this time. | ||
| I don't like the aesthetic. | ||
| Wait, you're lying. | ||
| You're lying. | ||
| I swear to you. | ||
| I don't like their hats. | ||
| You hate hats. | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| I don't like any of it. | ||
| Are you shitting me? | ||
| No. | ||
| This is one of the best movies ever. | ||
| Not interested. | ||
| Because occasionally they get on a horse? | ||
| And I don't like their hats. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can you look lower? | ||
| Eh, it still bothers me. | ||
| I like the mustaches. | ||
| Look how sweaty he is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Look how close they are to each other. | ||
| Do you think people really stood that close to each other and had gunfights? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Dun-dun-dun. | ||
| I wouldn't mind doing a gunfight with you, Tom. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| He wants them to shoot him now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It doesn't seem as good second time around. | ||
| Maybe in the context of the entire movie. | ||
| I love these mustaches. | ||
| They all look like alt-comics now. | ||
| Kurt Russell was weird in the movie. | ||
| I think I must make hand-batched ice cream. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Are alt-comics real anymore? | ||
| I felt like that just evaporated. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| I think it's still real. | ||
| Nah, they're still real. | ||
| You know what's one of my favorite things? | ||
| Watching alt-comics go up in the main room. | ||
| Yeah, you see it. | ||
| You know, they kind of get walk-in shell-shocked. | ||
| They already know that it's not... | ||
| Their crowd. | ||
| You could see... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't realize what that look was until you just said it. | |
| I've seen it before and I've always been like, ah, is this your first time here? | ||
| And then you can see it in their eyes and you're like, oh, you're going to love it. | ||
| This is the greatest room in the world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Man, that's so funny. | ||
| They get more aggressive. | ||
| You can tell it's unnatural. | ||
| They get aggressive about being progressive. | ||
| What's up, motherfuckers? | ||
| Aggressively progressive. | ||
| Yeah, I remember when alt was thought of as if you were alt, you were soft and progressive and sensitive and kind. | ||
| Now alt is right. | ||
| Like alt-right. | ||
| You think of alt-right. | ||
| That's all you hear about now is alt-right, which is like assholes. | ||
| You think of racism. | ||
| You think of xenophobia. | ||
| That word alt got sort of hijacked. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't even think about that, but it does. | ||
| You say alt, most people's mind will definitely go alt-right. | ||
| Yeah, over the last few years. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But in the context, in the world of comedy, it actually, oddly, usually implies somebody who's probably... | ||
| Far to the left. | ||
| Yeah, but only with us, I think. | ||
| Right, only within comedy. | ||
| With audiences, I don't think they even know that expression anymore. | ||
| That's probably true. | ||
| I feel like alt-universally, publicly, has sort of been hijacked by alt-right, or at least the definition of it has been hijacked by alt-right people. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That is true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| I guess I don't... | ||
| Yeah, I guess so. | ||
| I assume there's got to be an alt-left, right? | ||
| Well, I think there was, but I think the problem is once you say alt, now everybody just thinks right. | ||
| See, I would automatically... | ||
| Yeah, but the term alt-left sounds made up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But what are the alternative to the right of? | ||
| It's the idea that it's young right. | ||
| So, okay, but assholes. | ||
| So, like, the right. | ||
| If you think of conservative, you would think of, like, Lindsey Graham. | ||
| You think of, like, people that are... | ||
| Probably racist, but they keep it under wraps. | ||
| They have slippery shoes. | ||
| Dude, I thought Lindsey Graham was a chick until this week. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I literally went, that's a dude? | ||
| I thought it was a six million dollar woman. | ||
| Oh, he's got that southern accent that you can't tell if it's gay or not. | ||
| It's because it's the same thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like, well, I'll do declare, this is the biggest of travel speed! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is weird. | ||
| Watching these Kavanaugh hearings. | ||
| The whole thing is so strange. | ||
| Oh, you gotta keep your head down if you do not agree with the... | ||
| Like, I just tweeted that, uh, can you imagine defending your high school yearbook? | ||
| That's all I tweeted. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| And it was a fucking shit show. | ||
| I saw that, yeah. | ||
| And I was like, I'm fucking out. | ||
| People can't recognize that you're not in support of this guy, you're not in support of anything like it, but it's a real thing. | ||
| And I'm not going to sit there and virtue signal simply so that people know, oh, I'm on your team. | ||
| I'm just a fucking comedian. | ||
| You're just making an observation, really. | ||
| Can you imagine defending your high school yearbook? | ||
| That would be fucking insane! | ||
| Do you guys remember Hicks' bit about Clarence Thomas? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No. | ||
| I'm sure I've heard it. | ||
| Hicks had a bit about Clarence Thomas when they were trying to bring him into Supreme Court. | ||
| Oh man, I wish I could remember exactly how the bit went, but it was a great bit. | ||
| But it was about his porn collection. | ||
| You know, like Mr. Hicks. | ||
| Oh, yes, yes, yes. | ||
| Familiar at all with Clam Lappers, Volume 1 through Dandy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All of them? | |
| That's what he says. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All of them? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It was just like this funny bit, but like, you know, just examining. | ||
| That was funny, by the way. | ||
| Lindsey Graham, do you see, like, after he left... | ||
| Where they decided, they voted on that they're going to... | ||
| Well, they voted that it's going to move to the floor, but they decided, like, you know, we'll try to do this extra week of the FBI investigation. | ||
| And then he goes, somebody's going to have to explain this to Trump. | ||
| I guess that'll be me. | ||
| Like, to the press. | ||
| Basically, that is a not-so-subtle way of being like, dum-dum doesn't get it, so I'll... | ||
| Did you see what Trump said to one of the fucking reporters today? | ||
| No, what? | ||
| One of the female reporters said... | ||
| So crazy. | ||
| He goes... | ||
| He pointed to a woman, and he said, go ahead. | ||
| And he goes... | ||
| She's speechless. | ||
| She can't believe I called on her. | ||
| And she goes, well, I didn't think. | ||
| He goes, yeah, you don't think. | ||
| Yeah, I get that. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| And she goes, I'm sorry, sir. | ||
| Like, listen to this. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| You never do. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus, man. | |
| Listen to this. | ||
| He can't help himself. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's shocked that I picked her. | |
| It's like in a state of shock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not thinking, Mr. President. | |
| That's okay. | ||
| I know you're not thinking. | ||
| You never do. | ||
| I'm sorry? | ||
| No, go ahead. | ||
| What? | ||
| That's our president. | ||
| That's such a crazy thing to say to someone. | ||
| No, I know you're not thinking, you never do. | ||
| She must be someone that's written really negative things about him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| You know he's got that hit list on everything. | ||
| Who's this? | ||
| That piece of shit? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| The whole thing's madness. | ||
| He keeps a record here. | ||
| They have records of anyone who's slighted him, anyone who's... | ||
| Written anything bad, said anything. | ||
| For sure, man. | ||
| See, I'm not confrontational. | ||
| I don't like confrontation. | ||
| So there's part of me that goes, like, I always thought, I wish Kim Jong-un would be a fan so I could go over and party with him for a week. | ||
| What? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You don't think that way? | ||
| No. | ||
| You don't think that way? | ||
| Yeah, loose dictators. | ||
| Fucking party with him, bro. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You want to party with him? | ||
| I would. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like, Fidel Castro would have been cool. | ||
| It would be crazy, too, if you went over there, partied with him, and then just, like, on a whim. | ||
| No, like, the next morning, when you're like, I had the best time, he's like, send him to a labor camp. | ||
| Fuck this guy. | ||
| Yeah, fuck you. | ||
| You want to lose some weight? | ||
| How about I give you one grain of rice a day? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| That would be fun. | ||
| And you drink piss. | ||
| My piss. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You want to stay hydrated? | ||
| Here's a jug of piss. | ||
| I guess I'm the only one that thinks that way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No one wants to go party with him. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Are you being serious? | ||
| Ruthless dictators. | ||
| You get offered a private gig. | ||
| They're like, hey man, it's in... | ||
| It's in Pyongyang. | ||
| Seems reasonable. | ||
| We're going to fly you private. | ||
| Are we getting paid before? | ||
| I kind of need a little bit up front, I think. | ||
| Maybe a deposit? | ||
| We're going to fly you private. | ||
| It's going to be really amazing. | ||
| A million dollars. | ||
| Super private. | ||
| You know what flying private's like? | ||
| Sitting down. | ||
| It's so awesome. | ||
| I'm just sitting down. | ||
| Why would they be amazing? | ||
| You're sitting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not like you're flying private. | ||
| People are rubbing your feet and sucking your dick. | ||
| Feeding your ice cream. | ||
| It's the best ice cream ever. | ||
| I'll post amazing movies playing. | ||
| The music is fucking full 3D surround sound. | ||
| Of course, you could make all those things happen if you want. | ||
| Yeah, if you want to fly private, Dan Belzerian probably does that when he flies private. | ||
| It's the draw for flying private. | ||
| Obviously, I can't afford it. | ||
| I mean, I guess I afford it. | ||
| I just wouldn't make any money on the road. | ||
| But is that you get done and you go home. | ||
| You get done and you get on a plane and you fly home. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or you just wait 20 minutes and you save $30,000. | ||
| Not 20 minutes. | ||
| Wouldn't it be nice to get on a plane? | ||
| You fly private, you fucking cuck. | ||
| I've done it. | ||
| Are you calling him a cuck? | ||
| Why are you calling him a cuck? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| He's just insulting. | ||
| How does that make him a cuck? | ||
| You fly private though. | ||
| I don't fly private. | ||
| You have flown private. | ||
| For like a couple of times. | ||
| But it's never like because I was like, ah, I just got to get home. | ||
| It was just, you know, instead of doing crazy transpo to get to a gig, yeah, for a short flight though. | ||
| I don't do it like on a regular basis. | ||
| Call them out. | ||
| You just call them out for flying private. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| Because I never thought about it. | ||
| And then he was like, wouldn't that be nice? | ||
| And I was like, yeah, it would. | ||
| You know what's one of the grossest celebrity things ever? | ||
| Is the posing in front of the private jet. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Comedians don't do that, though. | ||
| Yes, they do. | ||
| Oh, I guess they do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Black ones. | ||
| But I'm saying like our friends. | ||
| Well, not our friends. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| I know a few that suck that do it. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen... | ||
| Are you looking at me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I'm looking at you because you know who I'm talking about. | ||
| I mean, there's only a few that do it. | ||
| It's just a weird thing. | ||
| But Bert would definitely pose in front of it shirtless. | ||
| You know he would. | ||
| What if we were all on a private jet flying somewhere and we'd post it? | ||
| Would that be okay? | ||
| Say if we had a gig in Aspen to celebrate after Sober October's over, we decided to book a gig together and we all were shirtless, hammered on the runway, looking ripped because we're going to lose shitloads of weight this month. | ||
| And we all pose? | ||
| That's fine, right? | ||
| Wait, let's do this. | ||
| I'm really excited now. | ||
| What's the most amount of points you've gotten in a month? | ||
| In a month? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it was just under 4,500, I think. | ||
| 4,500 is a lot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The most I've seen somebody do was 7,000. | ||
| 7,000? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 7,000. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's like you're really, really going after it all the time, you know? | ||
| Probably all 30 days. | ||
| More than twice of what I did for 15 days, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's a lot of work. | ||
| Oh, here's the thing we didn't discuss, though. | ||
| What's the bet? | ||
| What are the stakes? | ||
| What are we doing? | ||
| What happens if you win? | ||
| What happens if you lose? | ||
| First of all, it's just us, because Ari isn't even in this bet. | ||
| He actually goes, will I gauge my long walks in New York? | ||
| And we couldn't stop giggling, because we just pictured Ari shirtless in New York with a chest trap on. | ||
| Yeah, you get five points, you fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think he's going to be a... | ||
| Stanhope called me and said he wanted to do it. | ||
| Well, he's not going to do this, though. | ||
| Yeah, he's not going to do this, and he's also not going to... | ||
| He's like sober October-ish. | ||
| I can't go off everything or I'll have a stroke. | ||
| Well, it's not that he can't go off everything. | ||
| He just can't go off it immediately. | ||
| He's actually going to a doctor this week, and he's going to get himself checked out, which is a rare thing. | ||
| Stanhope, I don't know if you know this, Stanhope has sort of a policy to not go to the doctor, and when it breaks, he dies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's his idea. | ||
| He doesn't want MRIs, doesn't want diagnoses, doesn't want recommendations, doesn't want prescriptions. | ||
| But he is going this week. | ||
| He's going to go this week to get himself checked out to make sure that he can go. | ||
| I mean, as much as Stanhope is sort of a fatalist and he loves being this lovable drunk, it can't feel good to just always be drunk. | ||
| It just can't feel good. | ||
| I know he's taken time off before, and I know he's taken time off before smoking as well. | ||
| I know he quit smoking for quite a while at one point in time. | ||
| I think he would like to be healthier. | ||
| I mean, I know he would. | ||
| He would have more energy. | ||
| I think it would make his comedy better. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| Not that his comedy's not amazing. | ||
| It is. | ||
| But I just think he'd have more energy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Energy's a big thing. | ||
| So I think... | ||
| And I also think he's just something to do and connects him to us. | ||
| He's out there in fucking bumfuck Bisbee, Arizona, hanging out with a bunch of dorks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, they're... | ||
| I... I like partying out there. | ||
| Partying out there is fun as fuck. | ||
| You like partying anywhere. | ||
| Yeah, you do. | ||
| You ready to party in North Korea, you fuck? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The invite's out there. | ||
| I hope to God someone just puts this in front of him. | ||
| Encrypted email. | ||
| They go, Kim? | ||
| This, and then I want you to watch the machine story. | ||
| And then he watches the machine and he goes, ah, let's make another one. | ||
| Let's make new stories. | ||
| I've had moments where people go, we could get you into some trouble. | ||
| And I get fucking scared. | ||
| I was with a group in Tanzania that were like, we're going to go kidnap a baby elephant if you're into it. | ||
| God damn, dude. | ||
| Kidnap a baby elephant. | ||
| Yeah, another tribe had kidnapped this elephant from a sanctuary. | ||
| They're going to kidnap it back? | ||
| And the Messiah was going in to kidnap it back. | ||
| And I was like, part of me is like, if you get a little bit of a buzz, I'm in. | ||
| That sounds like a good way to die. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good Instagram video. | ||
| It's all about the Insta stories. | ||
| How do you have the time to do those Insta stories? | ||
| Because doesn't that interfere with actual life? | ||
| How often are you present in real life when you're doing... | ||
| I look at your dots on your Insta story and I'm like, Jesus, there's like 70 dots. | ||
| No, I don't ever put that many. | ||
| I'll probably put up 10 a day. | ||
| Is that your thing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Is that mine or yours? | ||
| Yours. | ||
| Might be mine. | ||
| Why is it beeping? | ||
| Do I take it off of this? | ||
| No, having it hanging like that. | ||
| But sometimes it'll just do it anyways. | ||
| But yeah, it's fine like that. | ||
| Will this beep when I'm working out? | ||
| If it beeps, one beep means it's on. | ||
| That three beep means off. | ||
| I shut all the beeps off on the app so I could use it in yoga class. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want it beeping. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know you can wet those sensors, right? | ||
| If you want it to get a good reading to start. | ||
| It worked out. | ||
| Yeah, great. | ||
| It was good. | ||
| I look at Instastories. | ||
| I look at Instagram as part of business. | ||
| It's not me. | ||
| It beeped again. | ||
| Fucking thing's annoying. | ||
| You look at it as part of business. | ||
| I look at it as part of my business, and so I go, I am very present in life. | ||
| I don't insta-story everything, but in moments like when the rat runs into our house, I definitely don't insta-story that. | ||
| And I always have my phone on me. | ||
| It's in my pocket. | ||
| I like how you're like, I'm very present, and then right before we start, you're like, I'm terrible at this at home. | ||
| Dude, I'm not a good parent. | ||
| I'm taking care of my kids by myself. | ||
| My wife's somewhere traveling abroad. | ||
| Look at all these dots, bro. | ||
| That ain't ten dots. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. | ||
| I think it's eight dots. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Looks like more. | ||
| I sent Isla to school with a bag of rice. | ||
| But it's only 1 p.m., and you have eight dots already. | ||
| Well, there's someone from last night and yesterday. | ||
| It's 24 hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I'm parenting by myself. | ||
| I can't do. | ||
| I'm not good at it. | ||
| It's a good chance to bond with your kids. | ||
| It is, or they realize exactly how out of touch you are with their lives. | ||
| Well, I'm not one for giving parental advice, but what I would say to do is abandon all other things you do while you're doing it. | ||
| So think of yourself as like a mom, like a house mom. | ||
| Like instead of like trying to squeeze it in with all the other shit you do, you won't be good at it if you do that. | ||
| If my wife goes somewhere and I have to just take care of my kids, I don't do anything else. | ||
| I schedule nothing. | ||
| Nothing else. | ||
| If I do a podcast, I have to do it during the day while the kids are at school. | ||
| And then once they're... | ||
| I don't do shows that night. | ||
| I don't do shit. | ||
| I just hang out with them. | ||
| And we do shit. | ||
| Make sure I take them to a pottery class or we'll go to a fucking dojo boom. | ||
| One of those bouncy places. | ||
| They have trampolines and shit. | ||
| Just do stuff with them. | ||
| I do that. | ||
| But leave your phone off. | ||
| Leave your phone off. | ||
| Your kids are there. | ||
| Unless you want your wife to contact you, maybe that. | ||
| But don't look at your Twitter. | ||
| Just hang out with them. | ||
| You have to have rules in your head. | ||
| My kids are a lot older than your kids, though. | ||
| Yeah, but still you want to interact with them. | ||
| It doesn't matter how old they are. | ||
| I know, but your kids are still young. | ||
| Mine are like 14 and 12. Yeah, but don't you hang out with them and do stuff with them? | ||
| Last night we watched Deadpool. | ||
| We're going out to dinner tonight. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Yeah, but just the actual getting up. | ||
| I was telling Tom I got up at 5.45 to make them breakfast, and my oldest daughter had already pulled the trash out, put it by the back door for me to take out, and literally gave me a speech, and was like, just so you know... | ||
| You need to be ready to go at 5.45. | ||
| You can't just get up at 5.45 and slow roll into the morning. | ||
| What time is school? | ||
| She's got to be at school at 8, I think. | ||
| She's lecturing you? | ||
| That's what I said. | ||
| And Leanne was loving it. | ||
| Leanne called. | ||
| She's like, yeah, you got to get going. | ||
| You can't just get up and be regular Bert. | ||
| You're daddy on duty. | ||
| I made the mistake saying I was going to make pancakes. | ||
| Everyone was like, you don't have time to make pancakes! | ||
| And I was like, guys, if I'm going to make pancakes, I'm making pancakes. | ||
| I've got the batter stirred, and they're like, we need something else. | ||
| We're already hungry. | ||
| We've got to go. | ||
| And so, yeah, we're on a schedule. | ||
| Leanne's a gangster with that shit. | ||
| When you fold me into her life, my brain doesn't work like that. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Yeah, I get that. | ||
| But it's like, when you're just hanging out with them, just them, you've got to realize, for everyone that has kids, you only have a few of these years. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You only have a few. | ||
| And then next thing you know, they're adults. | ||
| And it happens quick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 14 that happened overnight. | ||
| You know, I have friends that don't have good relationships with their kids. | ||
| And it's weird. | ||
| It's weird to see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That sucks. | |
| It sucks. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| It's weird to see kids that are resentful, angry at you. | ||
| You got that coming for sure. | ||
| Yeah, for sure, right? | ||
| Is that coming? | ||
| No, teenagers is tough, man. | ||
| It is tough. | ||
| Well, first of all, being a teenager is fucking tough. | ||
| You gotta, like, remind them over and over again you're dealing with a torrential downpour of hormones that you just don't know what to do with. | ||
| You remember what that was like? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You're so confused all the time. | ||
| Totally confused. | ||
| Your body's in fucking disarray. | ||
| And probably for you, it's probably exacerbated by them being this generation and knowing that you're racist. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Don't start that shit. | ||
| It's so fucking annoying. | ||
| And you're always drunk and racist. | ||
| And then the CrossFit people are picketing outside your house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
so what are our stakes so That's what we haven't worked out. | |
| Okay, so the most you've ever gotten is... | ||
| So what did I get today? | ||
| 200 or something like that? | ||
| What did I get? | ||
| 211. Yeah. | ||
| So 211. That's a normal workout for you, right? | ||
| Yeah, I think 200 is a good, strong workout. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| A good, normal workout. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So if you get 200... | ||
| Well, if I did 200 twice a day... | ||
| Jesus, man. | ||
| How many days a week do you plan on doing that? | ||
| I'm going hard, son. | ||
| I'm trying to kill Bert. | ||
| I'm in for the challenge. | ||
| That Mickey Mandeljean, I want you to say that Mickey Mandeljean's real. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| You've yet to acknowledge it. | ||
| But you just heard what he's doing. | ||
| I know, and I understand that. | ||
| I have the accessibility to get there. | ||
| I'm up for the challenge. | ||
| But you're planning on, Joe, you're planning on essentially... | ||
| Trying to kill Burt. | ||
| Yeah, but you're essentially planning on 400 points a day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're planning on 400 points a day. | ||
| And do you want it six days a week, let's say? | ||
| Or what? | ||
| Yeah, at least. | ||
| Yeah, I might go seven. | ||
| I might try seven days a week. | ||
| So hypothetically saying, 400 points a day. | ||
| I think if I do different things. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That's the key to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
8,000 points. | |
| Be close to it. | ||
| The only thing is I have a hunting trip that's going to take me away for six days. | ||
| I have a cruise that's going to take me away for five. | ||
| But when I'm doing the hunting trip... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stay sober! | |
| I know! | ||
| I have no idea how Bobby Kelly's going. | ||
| But when I'm doing the hunting trip, I'll send this to you, Jamie. | ||
| You can see what a typical day in the mountains is. | ||
| That's some of the most brutal workouts I've ever done. | ||
| Because you're hiking at altitude, and when you're at altitude, man, it's fucking... | ||
| I did 12 miles a day, 31,000 steps, 116 floors at 8,100 feet. | ||
| Well, just so you know, if you wore it... | ||
| That's a typical day in the mountains hunting. | ||
| If you wore it, by the way, for that, it would come out to some crazy number. | ||
| How many steps did you say? | ||
| That's 31,000 steps up there, 12 miles in the mountains. | ||
| But the thing is the elevation. | ||
| You're going up and down hills and stepping over logs, and you're always breathing heavy. | ||
| It's rough. | ||
| Are you going to wear it for that? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Fuck, I guess I'm running another marathon. | ||
| I mean, that's working out. | ||
| You know how many times I have to run around that goddamn cruise ship? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All right, so 120,000 points a year, a month, would be you doing two-a-days. | ||
| No, you can't get that many points. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| There's no way. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| We're talking 8,000 at the most. | ||
| He said 4,500 was his best month, and that's crazy. | ||
| That was working out like... | ||
| Probably 22 or 23 days and doing something like 200 plus points each time. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Okay, so 8,000 is ridiculous too then? | ||
| No, yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Your best month's 4,000. | ||
| Without being in a competition, I've hit 4,300, 4,400 let's say. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Joe immediately would get 6,000 if you just did what you did today every day of this month. | ||
| Close to it, if I did it every day. | ||
| But that was just the morning workout. | ||
| I'm doing two-a-days. | ||
| We're all doing two-a-days. | ||
| I get this. | ||
| We're back in high school. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Someone call the fucking rock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So... | |
| I'm getting nervous. | ||
| Well, I know we're going to have stakes on this, and this makes me more exciting than anything. | ||
| Yeah, no, it's good. | ||
| But I have a challenge. | ||
| Whatever it is, listen, we should all come in even and just make Ari pay for everything. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Because he's never going to catch up to us. | ||
| And big shout-out. | ||
| I mean, Ari, we've said it before, but he really did come through on that bet. | ||
| He did. | ||
| I'm saying when he took us to the game, he bought crazy tickets, and I thought they were much less. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He gave us a first-class experience. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| And we should make him do it again. | ||
| Yeah, like what would be the stakes? | ||
| Well, it's got to be something that we can all participate in. | ||
| Floyd Mayweather, Manny Pacquiao, too. | ||
| Ooh, that's a great one. | ||
| Front row. | ||
| We're talking about... | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| By the way, by the way, say whatever you want about me being on my phone the entire time. | ||
| I have the best fucking video from that. | ||
| Of the last, them scoring a touchdown. | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| I videotaped the touchdown and then cut to Tom and Ari. | ||
| Ah, nice. | ||
| Yeah, no, it's great. | ||
| That was a really fun fucking weekend. | ||
| That was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| That's how big that place is. | ||
| That's where Larry the Cable Guy performs. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking nuts. | |
| He does. | ||
| He performs in places like that. | ||
| That's how big his audiences are. | ||
| When's Floyd Mayweather Pacquiao? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it's in December. | ||
| Is it in December? | ||
| Tentatively, yeah. | ||
| Would you guys even want to see that? | ||
| I would definitely go to that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It might be in Japan, though. | |
| What? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh, I'm fucking so into this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It might be. | |
| They haven't booked it yet, so I don't know. | ||
| There's just talk that it might be there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Guys, let's go to that. | ||
| In Japan? | ||
| Damn, that sounds crazy. | ||
| But also, that's like asking Ari to call football. | ||
| Yeah, we're not flying coach, Ari. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Not flying coach across the ocean. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, you lost the bet! | |
| There's no way he could win, right? | ||
| So someone has to win. | ||
| Someone has to win. | ||
| But more importantly, one person is going to lose. | ||
| So if you beat me and I beat you, that don't mean shit because we're all beating Ari. | ||
| It's like a skins game. | ||
| But you know he's going to be like, I'm not doing the fucking points. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| But maybe he's listening to this right now and he's stewing. | ||
| Should we call him? | ||
| He's getting angry. | ||
| And he's sober, which might make him stew even more. | ||
| He's like, fuck you. | ||
| I'm going to win. | ||
| I'm going to fucking win. | ||
| What if Ari goes crazy and just fucking goes whole hog every day? | ||
| He could. | ||
| Six hours a day. | ||
| Takes spin classes and CrossFit classes and wears it during Jiu Jitsu. | ||
| Floyd Mayweather is planning to come back in Tokyo before his rematch with Manny Pacquiao. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| This was a couple weeks ago, so. | ||
| Oh, so he wants a tune-up fight. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| That might not be real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it might not. | |
| Yeah, I'm, you know... | ||
| Would you go to that? | ||
| Would you go to the fight, though? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It'd be an interesting fight. | ||
| I mean, they're both past their prime. | ||
| But it'd still be a fun event, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, Manny Pacquiao just knocked out Lucas Matisse, and Floyd hasn't fought in a year since he beat Conor McGregor. | ||
| But that's not a real boxing match. | ||
| I mean, it's a boxing match, but it's not a boxing match at an elite level. | ||
| If he was boxing Terrence Crawford or someone who's at the very top now, he's not in that kind of zone right now. | ||
| But he's still the best ever. | ||
| If not the one of a handful of the greatest boxers in the history of the world, ever. | ||
| No question. | ||
| What we should do is tier the winnings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| First place, pays for nothing. | ||
| Whole weekend. | ||
| I like this idea. | ||
| Second place, pays for their ticket, whatever's least expensive. | ||
| Pays for their ticket, and nothing else. | ||
| Third place, pays for all hotels. | ||
| Tear it off so that the last place just pays the most out, but he's not dropping 20 grand. | ||
| Let's say the last place person has to cover flights, but they can use their miles. | ||
| See, the problem is, Ari's bets are like, no, no, no, the loser has to wear a beard of my pubes. | ||
| And he's got to clean his face with my comb. | ||
| You guys scared me. | ||
| All of his fucking, all of his suggestions. | ||
| So psychotic. | ||
| We have to drink all of our piss? | ||
| And I was, Leanne saw that over my shoulder. | ||
| She goes, no, no, we're not drinking everyone's piss. | ||
| He said like, you gotta be a panhandler for six hours on the corner. | ||
| I was like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| I was like, I'm into that already. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he wanted us to do really ridiculous shit, like walk down the street naked. | |
| The tears of paying for it, so it's a good idea. | ||
| Right, so one person doesn't take the whole beating. | ||
| First place pays nothing all weekend. | ||
| But that's true. | ||
| The first place should be, I don't cover shit. | ||
| The first place should get a belt. | ||
| We should make a belt. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Sober October belt. | ||
| A real one? | ||
| Like a real, real one? | ||
| Yeah, like a WWE belt. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Sober October. | ||
| We need a sober October belt. | ||
| Who's the champ? | ||
| Jamie, this is a project. | ||
| I need you to look up where you would get a pro wrestling belt. | ||
| And not no knockoff shit. | ||
| Oh my god, I just found my inner voice when I work out. | ||
| That fucking belt. | ||
| Oh my god, I'm in. | ||
| I'm fucking so excited. | ||
| So you're going to start doing two days? | ||
| I might be doing three days. | ||
| Wow, look at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him. | |
| He's serious. | ||
| He's excited now. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Now tell him he ain't shit, and there's no way he'll win. | ||
| This will fire him up even more. | ||
| Tell me I can't run a marathon. | ||
| You definitely ran a marathon. | ||
| But there's no way you'll win this, though. | ||
| There's no way you'll win this. | ||
| Wow, Tommy's got reverse psychology. | ||
| Look, you get a Pepsi belt. | ||
| Who the fuck wants a Pepsi belt? | ||
| I know a guy. | ||
| He's diabetic. | ||
| So what... | ||
| What should we have on the... | ||
| Hey, is that me? | ||
| Up on the right there? | ||
| No, I think it's... | ||
| That is you! | ||
| Oh no, sorry. | ||
| The Bearded Gentleman Belt. | ||
| Okay, so we found a company that makes belts. | ||
| What is the name of this company? | ||
|
unidentified
|
ProAmBelts.com. | |
| Nice. | ||
| Okay, so we need some sort of a logo. | ||
| We need, like, Sober October is definitely the name of it, right? | ||
| The Sober October Belt. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| The Undisputed Sober October Champ. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we like diamonds, man. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What should we have on it? | ||
| It should be our faces engraved in it. | ||
| Should it be like the no smoking sign, no boo sign? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| No pills on the side? | ||
| No needles. | ||
| Oh, no, you mean on the sides. | ||
| Yeah, on the sides. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Good call. | ||
| Piles of coke. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then a guy trying to suck his own dick and we'll just tell everyone it's yoga? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, so we'll have to come up with... | ||
| How long does it take to make one of these belts? | ||
| Hopefully less than a month. | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| Whoever Pro-Am belts, if you're listening, three to four weeks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, perfect. | |
| Oh, we better get on it. | ||
| We better get on it. | ||
| Oh, this is going to be so much fucking fun. | ||
| So if we finish the design by the end of this week, we might be able to have it at the end of the month. | ||
| You might be holding up that belt. | ||
| How's that feel? | ||
| Feels great, man. | ||
| Tommy, you definitely want to be holding up the belt. | ||
| It's either me or Joe. | ||
| No way. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| Flights, lodging, tickets. | ||
| He's just missing you. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| He had $4,500 in a month. | ||
| You've never worked out with him. | ||
| I've worked out with him. | ||
| What happens? | ||
| Oh, he gives up. | ||
| Did we ever work out together? | ||
| No. | ||
| We've done hotel pre-show workouts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| We worked out before. | ||
| Oh, and we did. | ||
| Actually, when we were in Phoenix, we went to an MMA gym. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| We did. | ||
| We worked out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tom and I used to go to Barry's Boot Camp together. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I don't mind throwing up if I work out. | ||
| It seems like you enjoy it. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Because I know that I've done it as hard as I can do it. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I've thrown up before. | ||
| A girl came into my green room this weekend and threw up. | ||
| She thought she was looking for the bathroom and just fucking threw up in my green room. | ||
| That's your kind of crowd. | ||
| That's what you're cultivating. | ||
| I started throwing up. | ||
| By the way, your promo you showed me, it's going to bring in more vomiters, just so you know. | ||
| I cut a promo. | ||
| It'll be dropping next Monday. | ||
| We're announcing my tour next week. | ||
| But I cut a promo. | ||
| It's all you hurling? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's just what it's like being at one of my shows and it's fucking chaos. | ||
| It's chaos. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, your shows are chaos. | ||
| You're not doing just a comedy show. | ||
| You've got like a whole party experience happening. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| I mean, stand-up. | ||
| It's stand-up straight stand-up. | ||
| And then a lot of times I do a meet and greet. | ||
| People get to talk and hang out. | ||
| I think as a fan, I like that. | ||
| So I do that. | ||
| And then a lot of times at the end of the night, a lot of times I go, I'll be at the bar next door and everyone goes to the bar. | ||
| Those are fucking crazy. | ||
| Do you think you can do that when the crowds get to like 3,000, 4,000? | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I actually had a real lucid conversation about what meet and greets are going to look like on this theater tour because I don't want to get rid of the meet and greets. | ||
| It means, as silly as it sounds, but I think it means something for them to hang out. | ||
| It does. | ||
| And I don't want to charge like $100 for a meet and greet, but I definitely can't do 1,200 people. | ||
| Like when I did the Wilbur, I told everyone to go meet me at the bar next door. | ||
| And it was fucking chaos. | ||
| I mean, it was like literally elbow to assholes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I just was not... | ||
| I didn't get to hang out with anyone. | ||
| I was just taking pictures over and over and over again. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| So I want to try to figure out some workaround for a meet-and-greet for this theater tour because, dude, when I go to Scandinavia, I want to meet podcast fans. | ||
| You know one thing that annoys me? | ||
| Those pictures where people have stacks of pictures they want you to sign and they sell them. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That is not... | ||
| That's not, like, take a picture with me. | ||
| That's not, will you sign this for my friend? | ||
| That's not, will you sign this for me? | ||
| That's like, you're asking me to work. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're fucking shameless. | ||
| And they go, they come out with the one, like, hey, we signed, and you go, oh, yeah. | ||
| And then the six behind it come to the side, and they're like, and this, and this, and this, and this, and this. | ||
| Some guy the other day had 30. Yeah. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're running to you at the airport and there's like six dudes and they have stacks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, hey man, you're showing up and you want me to work. | ||
| This is what you're doing. | ||
| You want me to stop what I'm doing and you think it's only five minutes of your time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| But you're not really a fan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You're just a guy trying to get me to work. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Do you sign them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I sign one. | ||
| I say, I'll sign one. | ||
| I'll sign one. | ||
| And they get mad. | ||
| Like, some guy got mad in Philly. | ||
| Remember that dude? | ||
| He got upset. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's like, do you know why you're famous? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're fans! | |
| And I was like, you're not a fan. | ||
| You just told me you're not a fan. | ||
| He told me. | ||
| He literally told me. | ||
| He's like, you don't even sell well. | ||
| He goes, you sell for like $7. | ||
| I go, I don't give a fuck what they sell for. | ||
| What, my autograph? | ||
| You don't even sell well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go, I sell. | |
| I said, don't show up at the airport and harass me then. | ||
| I'll sign one. | ||
| Do you do a meet and greet? | ||
| You used to do a meet and greet tonight. | ||
| I used to do... | ||
| I'll still do that, but I used to do meet and greets at the Chicago Theater for 3,700 people. | ||
| I would wait and take photos with everybody for hours and hours. | ||
| That's cool as fuck, I think. | ||
| But you can't do it anymore. | ||
| People got too crazy. | ||
| As the podcast got crazier and crazier, people got crazy, and they would hold on to your arm and want to tell you how you changed their life and want to tell you long stories. | ||
| I'm like, look, I... There's 500 people behind you waiting. | ||
| I can't give you 15 minutes here. | ||
| I can't give you five minutes. | ||
| It just got too strange. | ||
| And it just got too many people wanting to get on the podcast. | ||
| Like, you've got to get me on. | ||
| I'm going to tell you my story about beating drug addiction. | ||
| I'm sure it's a great story. | ||
| I can't get you on. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| This is not how this works. | ||
| There's just too much of that. | ||
| If it was just, hi, I want to take a picture, I had a good time. | ||
| Great. | ||
| But it's not that. | ||
| Then it's all these agenda-driven people that want to do things and they want you to do things for them. | ||
| There's too many people that have been on the podcast that are just regular folks and then they get on the podcast and now people know about them. | ||
| And so a lot of people think, hey, if I just got on the podcast, that would make my career. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Whether they're a singer or they have a book, it just gets too annoying. | ||
| It's too overwhelming. | ||
| But the meet and greet is actually part of your brand, I feel like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seriously. | |
| Yeah, it definitely is. | ||
| When we did that theater run with Sal Vacano and Nate and all those guys... | ||
| No, I'm just moving. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| None of the guys wanted to do a meet-and-greet, and there was like a thousand people waiting outside the theater, and I just thought... | ||
| But that's different, because that's who I am. | ||
| If I go see a band, I am like... | ||
| Super compelled to go talk to them and tell them how great I thought they were. | ||
| Part of that is who I am. | ||
| And so I went out and did pictures with everyone waiting in the alley at the Chicago Theater. | ||
| And I was like, and then when someone goes, dude, you have no idea. | ||
| I love the podcast. | ||
| I love Tommy. | ||
| I love the weight loss. | ||
| I love that interaction. | ||
| I remember one time I was in Scotland and I was like, I just hit it out. | ||
| Hey, does anyone, any fans want to go have a beer with me? | ||
| And these three guys showed up and it was right when Bobcat was on your podcast. | ||
| And we just bullshitted about Bobcat's appearance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| We'd all listen to it. | ||
| So, you know, I think I... But I don't know what... | ||
| I'd like to maybe charge only to, like, weed out the people that don't want to, you know? | ||
| Yeah, but see, there's the problem. | ||
| I'm not... | ||
| I'm philosophically opposed to making people pay for pictures and making people pay to hang out with you. | ||
| I just don't think it's right. | ||
| But there should be a way to, like, just... | ||
| Yeah, but there's not. | ||
| Just thin the hurt a little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But here's the thing. | |
| Unless you charge money or pick people. | ||
| So there's a company now that does that. | ||
| They do these VIP things. | ||
| And someone brought it up to me. | ||
| And they're like, you can make this money. | ||
| I'm like, I'm not doing it. | ||
| And they go, but you can make some money. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| I'm not doing it. | ||
| I used to do it for free forever. | ||
| I stopped doing it because too many people got too weird. | ||
| But I'm not going to charge people. | ||
| I'm just not going to do it. | ||
| But I know a lot of fucking people that do. | ||
| A lot of people. | ||
| And they make a lot of money doing it. | ||
| You used to do it, right? | ||
| What? | ||
| The Mean Green? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I also feel like, you know, honestly, I like meeting people. | ||
| I meet people on the street. | ||
| I meet them... | ||
| When I walk out of the back of the venue, there's people there. | ||
| I always meet people. | ||
| But I just don't... | ||
| I'm not that good at the meet and greet. | ||
| I'm just not that comfortable with it. | ||
| I don't like it that much. | ||
| It's definitely not... | ||
| I mean, not being shitty, but it's not you. | ||
| You're not like... | ||
| I'm not very social. | ||
| There's people that are demanding. | ||
| And they're like, oh, you don't love your fans because you don't want to do this extra thing for me. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Here's the arrangement. | ||
| The arrangement is I work hard on my act. | ||
| I do a lot of sets. | ||
| I prepare, take the show very seriously. | ||
| I come to town. | ||
| I try to do a kick-ass show. | ||
| That's the arrangement. | ||
| Thank you, good night. | ||
| Our deal's done. | ||
| Now, if you think that you have to tell me some fucking life story for 20 minutes or I'm not your friend, like, no. | ||
| This is not the arrangement. | ||
| This is not, like, you're demanding too much. | ||
| And you're also not aware of how many other people would want to do the same thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like it would be impossible. | ||
| It's just, it's untenable. | ||
| You can't do it. | ||
| There's too many humans. | ||
| I would say that for me, like anybody who wants to wait outside that door, I'll meet anybody. | ||
| Dude, she fucked up, son. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shouldn't have said that. | ||
| That was a mistake. | ||
| They're not going to wait. | ||
| They're coming right now. | ||
| They're getting ready. | ||
| They're camping. | ||
| They have a little trailer out there right now. | ||
| Tom and I are so, it's amazing that we're friends because we're so very different men. | ||
| There was once a comment on his Instagram that made me laugh so hard compared to my comments. | ||
| It was, hey Tom, I'm really sorry for looking at you at the airport. | ||
| No, he said, I'm sorry. | ||
| I said, hi. | ||
| Sorry, I said hi to you at the airport. | ||
| But it's just Tom's face. | ||
| He's not needy. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| So when some guy said hi, Tom went, hi. | ||
| And then the guys didn't know what to say and walked away. | ||
| He came up. | ||
| I still remember it. | ||
| I was at the Atlanta airport. | ||
| He came over as I was about to take the escalator at Hartsfield-Jackson. | ||
| And he goes, hey, I'm a big fan. | ||
| I go, oh, hey, man. | ||
| And it was like a quick thing. | ||
| He was like... | ||
| Big fan. | ||
| I go, thanks a lot. | ||
| I appreciate it. | ||
| Got on the escalator. | ||
| Never thought twice. | ||
| And then he wrote, I'm sorry that I bothered you at the airport. | ||
| I was like, you didn't bother me at all. | ||
| That's just someone who's trying to get a reaction from you. | ||
| Oh, that's all it is. | ||
| He's not really sorry. | ||
| And also there was nothing to be sorry for. | ||
| I'm the exact opposite. | ||
| He just wants to keep it going. | ||
| Hey, I'm sorry. | ||
| Don't be sorry. | ||
| Can I hang out with you? | ||
| What's your dick taste like? | ||
| But, Burt, yeah, no one would ever apologize. | ||
| Dude, I was at the hotel that Bellator was going on this weekend in San Jose, and so it was all fucking fighters, right? | ||
| I ran into Big John McCarthy in the elevator. | ||
| What a great guy. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| Dude, he's like, I knew who he was, but I didn't want to, like, I was afraid, and I was just working out, and he was like, he was like, hi, just get done working out? | ||
| I was like, yeah, I wouldn't want to bother him. | ||
| He goes, we have a mutual friend, and I was like, Does he know who I am? | ||
| He was like, Joe Rogan, and I went, I know exactly who the fuck you are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you saw that big cock. | |
| That's a big fella. | ||
| No, no, John, that's a different guy. | ||
| I'm sure John has a big dick, too. | ||
| Musashi's got a fucking hammer. | ||
| When did you see Musashi's dick? | ||
| In the fucking sauna. | ||
| You saw his dick? | ||
| Dude, it's legit. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| He called me about it. | ||
| They called you about Musashi. | ||
| I didn't see the fight because the fight's on some new streaming thing called DAZN. It's called DAZN. They have a whole commercial about how dumb the name is with Michael Buffer. | ||
| They have a commercial about how dumb... | ||
| How do you spell it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
DAZN. DAZN? He's joking about, I know DAZN. It's called DAZN. But it's not DAZN. There's no O. Amen. | |
| You can't change how people pronounce things phonetically. | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| Someone probably made it and they got stuck. | ||
| Well, Mousasi just beat the shit out of Rory McDonald, stopped him in the second round. | ||
| I didn't even get a chance to see it, because I thought it was going to be on TV, and so I went to check my Bellator on my DVR, and it wasn't even there. | ||
| Did he beat him with his dick? | ||
| He beat the shit out of him with his dick. | ||
| I don't know how that guy cut weight with that fucking hog on it. | ||
| Hamming him with his cock. | ||
| Wow, I want to see that footage now. | ||
| How big? | ||
| 10 inches? | ||
| I'll tell you what, it's bigger than this. | ||
| No. | ||
| That fatter than a water bottle? | ||
| Bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll tell you right now. | |
| See, at a certain point in time, your dick becomes a liability when it's as fat as a water bottle. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I don't know how he brought that into the ring with him. | ||
| Like, every girl, I mean, he's probably unsatisfied. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| As soon as they pull it out, they're like, hold on a second. | ||
| They're like, get out of here. | ||
| Out! | ||
| He weighs 172 that day because I got on the scale after he did. | ||
| No, he weighs more than that. | ||
| He fights at 185. He cuts weight to get to 185. He used to be a light heavyweight champion. | ||
| So he used to be fighting at 205. Maybe I looked at the thing wrong. | ||
| Maybe I looked at the scale wrong. | ||
| And I think the scale was off because it said... | ||
| Did it say you weighed 195? | ||
| If Gegard could make 172, he would destroy everyone in the welterweight division. | ||
| He's a murderer. | ||
| Is that how you say his name? | ||
| He's big. | ||
| Gegard Mousasi. | ||
| I thought it was Gerald. | ||
| Maybe you're talking about a different person. | ||
| Nope, I'm dyslexic, so when I read things, I don't see it right away. | ||
| No, Musashi's a monster, man. | ||
| He's one of the big losses for the UFC, because in my opinion, he's one of the top two or three 185-pounders in the world at the UFC. He had beaten Chris Weidman, and then he goes over and fights in Bellator now. | ||
| But apparently, they just came up with some large cash. | ||
| They're trying to get big names over there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, Bellator... | |
| I don't know anything about UFC, so don't hammer me about that, but like... | ||
| Dude, Bellator was really cool just being down there. | ||
| It was like Chael Sonnen, Rampage Jackson, like 50 Cent was there. | ||
| It was like a really like, if you're a passerby fan of MMA, then you're like, oh, shut the fuck up! | ||
| They're doing really good fights. | ||
| They have big, they have... | ||
| They have Michael Chandler, who's one of the top lightweights in the world. | ||
| Rory McDonald is one of the best, if not the best, welterweight in the world. | ||
| He's definitely like top two or three. | ||
| He's beaten Tyron Woodley, who's the UFC champion, who I think is the best. | ||
| But Rory they snagged over then, right? | ||
| They snagged him. | ||
| They have... | ||
| Yeah, but Vanderlei's way past his prime, and so is Rampage. | ||
| You know, those guys, they're doing the Legends tour, and Rampage just knocked out Vanderlei. | ||
| But Vanderlei doesn't look good anymore. | ||
| No. | ||
| They should let him get on the juice. | ||
| Let him juice it up. | ||
| Let him juice it up. | ||
| But, you know, they're doing a great job. | ||
| They're doing a great job. | ||
| They're promoting these fights well. | ||
| In the welterweight division, they have Douglas Lima, who's one of the best in the world. | ||
| They have Paul Daly, who can knock out any living human being. | ||
| They have Lorenz Larkin. | ||
| 50 Cent was giving away a cash prize. | ||
| Jesus Trejo got into the steam room with 50 Cent. | ||
| What does it say to award Bellator? | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Welterweight grand prize winner, a million dollar cash prize. | ||
| Didn't he just go bankrupt? | ||
| 50? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sold this part of a deal he had with the Get the Strap brand, which I guess he owned and sold, and part of that money is going into this. | ||
| A million dollars goes to give the person a million dollar cash prize. | ||
| So the welterweight Grand Prix, they had Koreshkov just fought Lima. | ||
| Those two guys are excellent too. | ||
| Koreshkov is another top 10 guy in the world, I think, and he's fighting for Bellator too. | ||
| Lima beat him. | ||
| Lima and Rory had a great fight. | ||
| Rory beat Lima by decision. | ||
| So there's Rory, Douglas Lima, Paul Daly, and still, to this day, Paul Daly can knock on anyone. | ||
| He's so fucking dangerous a puncher. | ||
| All he has to do is connect. | ||
| He's got a left hand that's just a nuclear missile. | ||
| And he just knocked out Lorenz Larkin, who's also a top welterweight. | ||
| There's so many good fighters over there now. | ||
| There's so many good fighters in general. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| MMA is coming up right now. | ||
| I mean, there's the top talent. | ||
| This fucking fight this weekend between McGregor and Khabib Nurmagomedov is going to be crazy. | ||
| That is a crazy fight. | ||
| That's Vegas, right? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That is a fucking crazy fight. | ||
| You're calling that? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck's going to happen. | ||
| Are you excited? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How cool is that? | ||
| I wish I wasn't going on this cruise. | ||
| I would totally hit you up for tickets. | ||
| Yeah, man, I'm super excited. | ||
| Speaking of which, on this bet, do you think you can get us free tickets so we can take that out of the cash prizes? | ||
| To what? | ||
| To go where? | ||
| I'll get you free tickets for the UFC, for sure. | ||
| Do you think we could leverage you to get us tickets to a boxing match? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| We can get some tickets. | ||
| As opposed to putting that on, because that may make the prize horrendous. | ||
| Right, if it's a primo fight. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| So maybe I'll get the tickets for the fight. | ||
| I'll use leverage to get the tickets. | ||
| And then we'll make a big deal that we're going to go. | ||
| And then we'll get suites at some hotel somewhere. | ||
| Lodging. | ||
| And the loser has to pay for some extravagant meal and crazy booze. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Flights, right? | |
| Someone's got to do flights. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Flights and lodging are going to be on the bet. | ||
| And then... | ||
| That's the way to do it. | ||
| Are we going to Vegas? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want to go to Tokyo for some fucking stupid fight. | ||
| Yeah, let's go private jet. | ||
| Let's go private jet into Vegas. | ||
| Because he's talking about fighting this guy that's not Manny Pacquiao in Tokyo. | ||
| He's not talking about fighting Manny Pacquiao. | ||
| If he fights Manny Pacquiao, he's gonna fight him in Vegas. | ||
| That's where the real money is. | ||
| Bert, you're gonna end up spending a lot of money. | ||
| Should we get matching suits? | ||
| Do you think you're gonna lose? | ||
| No, I'm not going to lose. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| Are you going to win the whole thing? | ||
| You think you're going to come in? | ||
| Is it your fantasy that you come in at the end and you win the whole thing? | ||
| Cinderella story. | ||
| You should work out with me once. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'll kill those fantasies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll kill them all. | |
| I'll kill them dead. | ||
| I want to know what you think you're going to get. | ||
| Dude, I've got a page of numbers right here. | ||
| What do you think it's going to happen? | ||
| I almost want to unfriend you now so that you can't see my track. | ||
| You should see mine. | ||
| Yours is scaring me. | ||
| I know what I have to do now when I go home tonight. | ||
| Wait, let me understand. | ||
| What do you think you're going to get? | ||
| I want to know. | ||
| What do you think you're going to get? | ||
| Because you're good at calling your shots. | ||
| Well, Tom has already achieved more in a day than my first workout. | ||
| You've already achieved 230, you said, was the most you had a day? | ||
| The most I've ever done in a day is 380. 380 in a day? | ||
| Is that a two-a-day? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Actually, I'm sorry. | ||
| It's more than that. | ||
| 380 in one workout. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| How did you do that? | ||
| Seven miles and I did mostly uphill and then I went around and like so it was like a hike run, right? | ||
| Sustained heart rate for a long period of time. | ||
| Oh you guys are fucked then when I wear this elk hunting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You guys will never care. | ||
| I'll get 500 in a day. | ||
| Oh, you'll do more than that. | ||
| You want side action? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You guys can get side action going on top workout. | |
| Side pieces? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And most single day. | ||
| Most single day. | ||
| On that day, so you could do, let's say, a hike like that, a run, and then go back and go, oh, I want to get another 100 points. | ||
| I'm going to go on this. | ||
| How long was this battery go for? | ||
| A long time. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Can you work for a week? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I didn't charge mine for a second time until after I had it for over seven months. | ||
| Oh, okay, for all skeptical people. | ||
| This is not a sponsor. | ||
| We don't know anybody that works at this company. | ||
| We talked about it in text messages. | ||
| I said, we should do this punk rock. | ||
| We shouldn't have a company sponsoring us. | ||
| No. | ||
| This is a good metric system. | ||
| It's a good product. | ||
| We're going to use it because of that. | ||
| And I don't want them to sponsor us. | ||
| So this is non-sponsored. | ||
| And if it's a piece of shit, we're going to get to say it's a piece of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So. | ||
| Just so. | ||
| Because people are like, you fucking went corporate. | ||
| I like these side acts. | ||
| I like these side acts. | ||
| Bert right now is like, I kind of wish you'd do a sponsor. | ||
| No, I'll try. | ||
| Kim Jong-un's willing to sponsor me. | ||
| Fly me out. | ||
| I'll do a big show. | ||
| Pyongyang is a nice place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's still that bad. | |
| You know I'd do it for real if they hit me up, and then I'd get destroyed. | ||
| Would you really, though? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| But why would you want to do that? | ||
| Why would you want to go to a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It's about the stories. | ||
| I like crazy stuff like that. | ||
| It's definitely a good story. | ||
| It's definitely on brand. | ||
| Most single-day workout gets a new suit. | ||
| Okay, that's good. | ||
| And all three of us have to buy them a new suit. | ||
| Oh, Ari just texted. | ||
| What'd he say? | ||
| How do I register this thing? | ||
| Alright, Ari's in. | ||
| We got a fucking Patsy. | ||
| That means he's in. | ||
| He's in, man. | ||
| Wow, Ari's in. | ||
| How is Ari going to compete? | ||
| But he doesn't exercise. | ||
| Oh, you know what's so great? | ||
| Most single day he gets a suit and we're going to be in the best shape of our lives. | ||
| So we'll get a skinny suit that we'll never be able to wear again. | ||
| Yeah, we should, right? | ||
| He has to email them for a facility code. | ||
| Yeah, it's easy. | ||
| They'll send it right away. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| We should wear suits to the gig. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I've never... | ||
| I don't even have a suit. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know what we'll do? | ||
| I'll contact David August. | ||
| They're the guys who make my suits. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You have suits? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know David August. | ||
| Yeah, they make awesome suits. | ||
| Hey, he sure does. | ||
| Handmade. | ||
| It's got like a little bit of flex to it, so if you're built like a troll like me, you can move around in these things. | ||
| There's a flex around their belly? | ||
| Yes, everything. | ||
| What's that, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tom's got a suit guy. | |
| You got a suit guy? | ||
| Yeah, but David August is... | ||
| Yeah, he makes Conor McGregor suits. | ||
| Wait, have you ever seen the video of when Tom got his fat suit? | ||
| He looks like a king of comedy! | ||
| Tom went to Asia with Chad. | ||
| Chad Daniels and Pete Lee. | ||
| And they went and got suits made. | ||
| Well, Ari does that. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's a documentary called I Need You to Kill that I'm in. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| It's on Amazon Prime. | ||
| And there's a scene in the documentary where we go and we get suits made. | ||
| And yeah, I go with Chad and it's really, really fun, man. | ||
| I mean, yeah, I went to the same district that Ari got his maid in. | ||
| And that guy, Danny. | ||
| I went to Danny. | ||
| The names are really... | ||
| They're like, did you get yours at Joe's or Danny's? | ||
| Like, that's the designers there. | ||
| But they do a great job, man. | ||
| First place pays for nothing. | ||
| Second place, most single day gets a brand new suit. | ||
| Should we do third place pays lodging? | ||
| Fourth place pays for flights and we fly private? | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Man, Ari's going to have to pay for a flight. | ||
| You're going to pay lodging. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| Second place has got to pay for something. | ||
| Yeah, second place has got to pay for it. | ||
| Whatever the second... | ||
| Dinner. | ||
| One big... | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| Lodging might be more than dinner. | ||
| Yeah, big dinner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would say big dinner. | |
| Big dinner. | ||
| We could ball the fuck out on that. | ||
| Yeah, we could go crazy at dinner. | ||
| Bottles of wine for a thousand bucks. | ||
| Do you realize if I'm in... | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Now I'm getting panicked because I know that I'm going to be wanting to drink at a dinner. | ||
| I told you about the dinner I went to Ralphie with. | ||
| Ralphie Mae? | ||
| Me and Ralphie went to dinner with our families. | ||
| What did you guys do? | ||
| This is one of my favorite stories. | ||
| We've been partying all weekend. | ||
| This is Hawaii. | ||
| No, this is Bahamas. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But you've got to set it up that at the time, you're like middling or just entry level. | ||
| That was a feature act. | ||
| How many years ago was this? | ||
| This was Leanne and I's first trip away from Georgia. | ||
| So it's from our daughter. | ||
| 10 years plus? | ||
| It's got to be at least 10, 11 years. | ||
| Oh, you can actually find it. | ||
| It's on my video, because I posted a video at that time. | ||
| So it's probably 2007, maybe? | ||
| Before traveling. | ||
| So what happened? | ||
| And Ralphie's killing it. | ||
| It was the week before I started Burt the Conqueror. | ||
| I was 37 years old. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| 36 years old at the time. | ||
| Ralphie's killing it. | ||
| Ralphie's balling. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm headlining some, maybe for like $1,500, $2,000 I'm headlining. | ||
| But I'm still featuring at the time. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And so maybe I'd done Jameson Comedy Tour. | ||
| So I had a little bit of money, but no money to speak of. | ||
| So we go to do this gig for Paul and Young Ron. | ||
| And the first night there, we go out to eat, and it's a huge dinner. | ||
| And I'm like, how much do I own? | ||
| And I was like, oh, player, you know I got that Bird Chrysler. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| You and Leigh Ann have a great weekend. | ||
| I said, no, I got to pay for something. | ||
| No, player, don't even reach for your while when you're Ralph and Ralph and May. | ||
| So we go out that night. | ||
| Everyone goes drinking. | ||
| We have a great time. | ||
| The next night we go out to eat. | ||
| Everyone goes out to eat. | ||
| Ralphie, once again, I go to pay for it. | ||
| He goes, oh, playboy, you know money's no good around me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just come on. | |
| Have a good time. | ||
| We go to a show. | ||
| Have an amazing fucking show. | ||
| We go out drinking again. | ||
| Ralphie picks up everything. | ||
| The last night there, we go to sushi at Nobu. | ||
| And Leanne says, you can't let Ralphie pay. | ||
| You've got to pick up the bill. | ||
| And I went, okay. | ||
| So I go over to the lady before... | ||
| I'm going to screw up numbers. | ||
| I'll tell you that right now. | ||
| But I go over to the lady before the bill comes and I go, hey, the big guy's not paying. | ||
| Here's my credit card. | ||
| And she's like, okay. | ||
| So we eat, and I drink, and we eat, and I drink. | ||
| And Ralphie's getting, like, boats, right? | ||
| Boats. | ||
| Like, they're just like, you know, where they lay it out. | ||
| I mean, they brought out 50 pieces of hushie. | ||
| Yeah, they're like, are you cool with eating dolphins? | ||
| And so, and I am doing sake bomb after sake bomb, and the lady comes with a check, and it's like, $2,000. | ||
| I did not have $2,000, and I didn't have enough money for the tip. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Why did you think you could pay? | ||
| I didn't know what the bill would be. | ||
| I've never paid attention to that stuff. | ||
| What? | ||
| Do you ever eat out? | ||
| No, but I wasn't paying attention to what the bill would be. | ||
| I thought it would be $500, $600. | ||
| I didn't know how expensive sushi at Nobu was that everything's through the roof. | ||
| She puts the check in front of me, and I open it up, and I see it, and I immediately... | ||
| Freeze. | ||
| And Leanne goes, how much is it? | ||
| And just instinctually, I go, fuck you, that's how much it is. | ||
| And she goes, and Ralphie fucking, fucking, oh shit, Bert Kreischer! | ||
| You fuck now! | ||
| You should've let me pay, Bert Kreischer! | ||
| Then I go, Ralphie goes, don't worry, player, we go out and win it back. | ||
| So I go to our bank machine, and I pull out a thousand dollars, and I go over, and I put it on black. | ||
| Hits red. | ||
| I'm down $3,000 within a matter of minutes. | ||
| Wesley Snipes lied to you. | ||
| Leanne won't speak to me. | ||
| It's probably one of our biggest fights we've ever been in. | ||
| We're fighting in the lobby, and I'm hammered. | ||
| She's mad because you bet the extra money? | ||
| No, because I said, fuck you, that's how much it is. | ||
| Don't ever talk to me like that. | ||
| You're my partner. | ||
| We're team. | ||
| I didn't know what to say in the moment. | ||
| It was more money than we had. | ||
| That was like, at the time, that was like probably three weeks on the road for me. | ||
| Of course, it's crazy. | ||
| Damn, you fucked up, son. | ||
| And then you gambled away a thousand like a week? | ||
| Fucking, God. | ||
| Is that Mickey Mantle gene? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's not a Mickey Mantle gene. | ||
| I'm joking, I'm joking. | ||
| That's Lou Gehrig's disease. | ||
| It's preposterous. | ||
| My favorite part of that story is just like, you know, that you got shamed. | ||
| That's what I love about it. | ||
| What makes you feel good about that? | ||
| It's just that it's my friend doing something stupid. | ||
| I gotta run, actually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay. | |
| I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| Oh, so we haven't worked this out, right? | ||
| I know. | ||
| We kind of have to bring Ari in on this, right? | ||
| Because he can't have no say. | ||
| He couldn't be here today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We do. | |
| Call him right now. | ||
| Call him right now. | ||
| Okay, call him up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's see if he answers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's see if we all call at the same time who he answers. | |
| I know who he's answering. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stingy Joe. | |
| Did you get him? | ||
| You trying? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go ahead. | |
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| Can I do this fucking stupid thing? | ||
| Hey, you're on speaker with Joe and Tom. | ||
| We can all hear you. | ||
| And we're doing Joe's podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I give no consent to this. | |
| You do not have consent to use my voice. | ||
| Hey, we're talking about the bet. | ||
| Here's what we're thinking, right? | ||
| So with these MyZone fitness trackers, Joe did 200 today. | ||
| He plans on doing two a day. | ||
| So we're thinking the person who gets the most... | ||
| Most calories... | ||
| Most points burnt in a week. | ||
| He doesn't have to pay for anything out of this challenge, okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's Joe who's running away from. | |
| Everything. | ||
| That's Joe. | ||
| Murder. | ||
| My agent's now calling. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| No, so... | ||
| The bet is we're going to go see... | ||
| Running away from. | ||
| We're fighting... | ||
| We're going to a fight in Las Vegas, okay? | ||
| Joe thinks he can get... | ||
| Hang up with your fucking agent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know how to. | |
| Don't be scared. | ||
| I don't know how to... | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| First place will have to pay for nothing. | ||
| Second place would have to pay for, we're thinking maybe one meal. | ||
| Third place will have to pay for lodging. | ||
| Just let me fucking finish. | ||
| Third place will pay for lodging. | ||
| Fourth place will pay for... | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you say let me finish, I don't know any of the things you're talking about. | |
| I don't know the terms you're talking about. | ||
| So you're giving me all the details of something I don't understand. | ||
| Good point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So what I would suggest you're doing is telling me what you're talking about and then giving me the details. | |
| The person with the most fitness points for the month will get in first place. | ||
| The person with the second most fitness points will get in second place, and so on. | ||
| Now, there's a side bet going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait, wait. | |
| And the prize is going to a big fight, a big boxing match. | ||
| A big boxing match in Las Vegas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| Yes. | ||
| First place, the person with the most fitness points for the month will not have to pay for one thing. | ||
| Second, please. | ||
| Please. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm begging for change on the corner of La Cienega and Santa Monica. | |
| No. | ||
| What about a pubic hair beard? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm down with all those. | |
| What's the money you fucking wrote gigs for? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| See, I knew he would turn this into humiliation. | ||
| We all come on the loser's face, though. | ||
| That's part of it. | ||
| That's part of it. | ||
| Drink a goblet of our piss. | ||
| Combined piss. | ||
| And I'm eating asparagus. | ||
| Wait, but so, Ari, are you in? | ||
| Is he in? | ||
| Are you in on the bet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't imagine this thing, but I don't know what weekend this is. | |
| I don't know if I have this whatever weekend you're talking about for free. | ||
| We haven't figured out the weekend. | ||
| We have to figure out the weekend. | ||
| It's got to be a weekend everyone can go. | ||
| Yeah, we'll figure out the weekend. | ||
| It's an event. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a boxing match. | |
| I hate boxing. | ||
| Oh, tell them this. | ||
| Yeah, but we're going to be high as fuck. | ||
| It'll be fun. | ||
| And tell them this. | ||
| There's a belt involved. | ||
| Oh yeah, the winner gets a belt. | ||
| We're getting a belt made. | ||
| Sober October belt. | ||
| And you're going to have to defend it every year. | ||
| We're having it made. | ||
| And it's going to have pills on it with a line through it, heroin on it with a line through it? | ||
| A guy sucking his own dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why don't we do something we all want to do? | |
| Well, we were going to go to see Floyd Mayweather rematch Manny Pacquiao. | ||
| We don't have to do it though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it'd be fun. | |
| Will it take place nine years ago when everyone wanted to see it? | ||
| It would be fun to be in Vegas like a gentleman. | ||
| Yeah, we're all together. | ||
| Yeah, we don't have to work. | ||
| We're just all there to hang out. | ||
| We're going to smoke cigars like a fucking gentleman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When is that happening? | |
| I think it takes place sometime in December, but they haven't made the date. | ||
| They haven't made the date yet. | ||
| You're in, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm gone all December. | |
| You're gone all December? | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
|
unidentified
|
European? | |
| What if we go to a good Bellator event where I don't have to work? | ||
| You want to go see an MMA event? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why don't you take off and we go see a UFC in the middle of the stands and we'll get high there. | |
| We'll do a bunch of heroin in the stands. | ||
| I can't take off one... | ||
| Okay, I'll tell you one thing. | ||
| We can do one that I don't have to do, because I only do the big ones. | ||
| I don't do the ESPN ones, and some of the ESPN ones are going to be really big. | ||
| I could be in the audience for that. | ||
| Yeah, let's do that. | ||
| We could do that. | ||
| Okay, now we don't have to worry about tickets. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Alright, the fourth place has to play for the flight, and we're flying private. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Private jet? | |
| Yeah, but just to Vegas. | ||
| It's not a lot. | ||
| If it's a Vegas event, though, I'm probably going to work it. | ||
| I'm going to be honest with you. | ||
| Okay, so it's just to fucking New York. | ||
| It's not that much. | ||
| Yeah, Toronto. | ||
| We'll have to figure out where it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't even get this thing registered. | |
| We'll take care of that. | ||
| Ari, I sent you an email. | ||
| If you email the email, I just sent you a text message. | ||
| If you email that address, they'll send you a facility code right away. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It'll come. | ||
| It'll come. | ||
| Just send an email to support at... | ||
| I sent you all the details. | ||
| Just say I need a facility code. | ||
| Did you buy yours on Amazon? | ||
| Me too. | ||
| They didn't send me a facility code. | ||
| Are you in for a tiered financial bet for a UFC event where Joe doesn't have to work? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like the humiliation. | |
| Humiliation is so much better than money. | ||
| Okay, you know what? | ||
| Let's find a sweet little spot of humiliation in this for last place. | ||
| Last place has got, there's a punishment involved. | ||
| You gotta drink piss. | ||
| Everybody's piss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shots of piss. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| Goblet. | ||
| Now I know why you guys are fucking friends. | ||
| No, straight from the tap. | ||
| Like a Yeti Tumblr. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They just keep it warm. | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Hold on, we're not. | ||
| We'll use a JRE Tumblr and we'll write the piss champion on it. | ||
| This one right here. | ||
| We'll keep it. | ||
| We'll always keep it on this table so we'll know that the person drank the other people's piss. | ||
| I'll be like fucking Forrest Gump this month. | ||
| Listen, man. | ||
| Why don't you guys just come on my back? | ||
| I hosted Fear Factor. | ||
| I'll drink a gallon of piss right in front of your mom. | ||
| You're not going to have to be the one drinking piss. | ||
| It's either Tom or Ari. | ||
| I'm worried about my friends. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Ari, he doesn't believe that you could ever possibly win this. | ||
| There's no way Burt will even come in fucking third. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| What do you think of this, Ari? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rogan, you'll win it. | |
| For sure, you'll win it. | ||
| You're going two a day. | ||
| I mean, you're an animal. | ||
| But what about Burt's Mickey Mantle gene? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That would help him. | |
| Burt, you're on the road a lot or no? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm on a cruise next week. | ||
| I'm gonna, I'm trying to get Bert to die trying to keep up with me. | ||
| I'm gonna do four days. | ||
| I'm doing four days. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you're on four days. | |
| Okay, there's four fucking snickers to a pack. | ||
| Listen, That's fine. | ||
| We can do that, though. | ||
| We'll figure that out. | ||
| And then we'll add, we will come up with a, and maybe this will be fun, a very tasteful, yet meaningful punishment. | ||
| For last place. | ||
| Well, tasteful, you're out of Ari's wheelhouse when you say tasteful. | ||
| He wants it to be humiliating. | ||
| Put a frozen hot dog up your asshole. | ||
| That's what he's talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Thought is too slippery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm real busy up until the end of April. | |
| From November until the end of April, I really don't have any weeks open. | ||
| Well, we could certainly do something at the end of April. | ||
| We could figure it out. | ||
| Look, we'll figure that part of it out. | ||
| But you're in, right? | ||
| You're in on the bet. | ||
| Okay, that's what we need to know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, what's the bet? | |
| The bet is, first place pays for nothing, second place pays for a meal, third place pays for a lodging, and fourth place pays for a private jet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's wrong with you guys? | |
| You're in. | ||
| You're in, right? | ||
| You're in. | ||
| What's wrong? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's humiliating. | |
| But that's part of what's humiliating. | ||
| You've got to pay so much money. | ||
| Just don't come in fourth. | ||
| Yeah, don't come in fourth. | ||
| Enjoy those long walks in the East Village. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, those will definitely make you win. | |
| Shut up. | ||
| Just hang up on me. | ||
| How about a helicopter? | ||
| Cruise ship? | ||
| Winnebago across the country. | ||
| Why's it gotta be money related? | ||
| It's just so dumb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just like, ah, he's right at check and doesn't do anything. | |
| Makes you feel terrible. | ||
| Yeah, but we're all like, the whole thing is that we're having fun together doing it. | ||
| It's not supposed to be like really... | ||
| Ari wants you to suffer. | ||
| He wants you to drink his piss. | ||
| And wear his pubes on your face. | ||
| You gotta get the names of the three winners tattooed on your left, on your right hand. | ||
| On the inside palm of your right hand. | ||
| I'm not into that. | ||
| Yeah, but I do like the belt. | ||
| I do like the fact that we have to defend the belt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like the belt or a trophy, a moving trophy every year. | |
| I like the belt. | ||
| That way the person who has the belt, whoever wins, they get to keep it in their house and make videos in front of the belt. | ||
| Albert is very motivated. | ||
| Do you have any idea? | ||
| I'm gonna fucking murder this. | ||
| All the social media points he can get, stand in front of that belt, letting everybody know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woohoo! | |
| And Tom will finally have a belt that fits him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So keep going. | |
| So this has nothing to do with... | ||
| So it's not about how many calories you burn. | ||
| It's just about these weird points that this thing makes. | ||
| Which is basically related to effort. | ||
| It's like effort points. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a good system. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're in, correct Ari? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're in. | |
| And by the way, by the way... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't have any interest in going out to Vegas to get a private jet to then go to Vegas with you guys. | |
| Okay, what do you want to do? | ||
| What do you think it should be? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some sort of humiliating thing or the rest of it. | |
| But like, I would probably meet you guys in Vegas. | ||
| I wouldn't go to LA to then go to Vegas. | ||
| Tommy Buns has to leave. | ||
| We'll sort this out, but for sure there'll be a belt involved. | ||
| For sure... | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, like the begging. | |
| The begging for the money. | ||
| I'm... | ||
| We're not really interested. | ||
| That's boring to us. | ||
| Ari, how about this? | ||
| Can you agree on this tiered structure if we find an event that you are comfortable and really excited about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
An event to go to? | |
| Yeah, an event to go to. | ||
| It doesn't have to be... | ||
| I mean, I think UFC would be fun for... | ||
| I've never seen a UFC fight. | ||
| But a tiered structure of punishment, meaning for the bottom three, a humiliation for number four, belt for the winner, single day, by the way, single day calorie burn, the person with the most points for one single day, that person gets a brand new suit that all people have to pay for. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brand new what? | |
| Suit? | ||
| Suit, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I got from Hong Kong to make it. | |
| No, we're going to get David August to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| Only the guy who makes suits for Conor McGregor and me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's nice. | |
| I think I made suits for Mao Zedong. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So we only make smalls? | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| Are you just joking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's been around for like 70 years. | |
| No, I don't think he did. | ||
| Wow, that would trump it. | ||
| We'll get the guy who makes suits for Putin. | ||
| Maybe we'll know Kim Jong-un's guy by the end of this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just only because it's going to be anticlimactic, but you're going to go on this until probably May, at least. | |
| Yeah, but that'll be fine because we'll have a belt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The winner will get to parade around. | ||
| Yeah, I like the suit. | ||
| Bert's already got the belt sitting on his shelf. | ||
| He's planning on doing his little Instagram stories in front of the belt. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| I don't know, Ari. | ||
| Listen, man, you got a lot of resolve. | ||
| I saw how you manned up for the fucking yoga challenge. | ||
| You might man up. | ||
| By the way, I'm doing the yoga challenge, too. | ||
| I'm doing both things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you burn stuff during yoga, during hot yoga? | |
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| I'm going to do 15 hot yoga classes as well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I'm going hard. | ||
| I'm trying to kill Burt. | ||
| I'm going hard. | ||
| I'm trying to match Joe. | ||
| I want Burt to try... | ||
|
unidentified
|
In probably five years. | |
| Yeah, the last time you worked out was probably when we did jiu-jitsu together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, I did like a day at a hotel gym for like 30 minutes once, five years ago. | |
| I want Bert to fall apart. | ||
| I want Joe to recognize the Mickey Mantle gene. | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| Listen, I want Bert to fall apart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should have already recognized it. | |
| Yeah, I recognize that. | ||
| I want him to fall apart trying to keep up, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, well, how's Mickey Mantle doing now? | |
| He's not good. | ||
| He's not good. | ||
| I just did all my measurements, my pre-sober October measurements. | ||
| Not good, Ari. | ||
| What do you weigh right now? | ||
| 246. He's dead. | ||
| That guy's dead. | ||
| 246, chest 48, belly 44, waist 44, and then calves and biceps are 16, 18. What were you at the end of the weight loss challenge? | ||
| 222 maybe? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I was 216 at the end of Sober October last year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, I'm going back. | ||
| I'm getting back. | ||
| I'm getting back. | ||
| I'm telling you, right now I have motivation. | ||
| I want that belt. | ||
| I want that belt. | ||
| And I'm not going to pay for anything. | ||
| And I want to see the look on your face when you look at some of my numbers and you're like, what the fuck is he doing? | ||
| He's cheating. | ||
| He's cheating. | ||
| He's putting it on his dog. | ||
| Good luck with that. | ||
| This is my wheelhouse, motherfucker. | ||
| No, I know! | ||
| This is my wheelhouse. | ||
| I'm excited. | ||
| I'm excited. | ||
| I'm so excited. | ||
| This is not my wheelhouse. | ||
| Oh, I'm so excited. | ||
| Dude, I'm having a hard time just taking a swimmer. | ||
| I want to see if I can get 500 a day. | ||
| I want to see if I can hit 500 a day every day. | ||
| I'm just going to do different things every day. | ||
| And I'm going to power fuck. | ||
| I'm going to wear it while I fuck. | ||
| I'm going to be... | ||
| This is the tortoise and the hare. | ||
| I'm just going to try to tortoise my way through this month. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 100 minutes at 100% maximum heart rate is 400 points. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Is that how it works? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's four points a minute. | |
| I don't know, but I had the shit pegged. | ||
| I was at 97% for a half an hour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| I'm going to get none of that. | ||
| You are. | ||
| Just do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll try, but they tell me something to facility code. | |
| I'll be just saying, got the thing. | ||
| Just go fucking crazy, Ari. | ||
| Teared punishment, one event we all can agree on. | ||
| Correct, Ari? | ||
| Single day, most points. | ||
| Suit, and we can add humiliation per, meaning if we come up with something during the month that we all think's hilarious, text it to each other, we put it out on social media, and we hold ourselves to that, too. | ||
| Yeah, this is what we'll do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You guys don't think it's going to be anticlimactic to do this bet and then have nine months later No! | |
| No, because there'll be a belt. | ||
| If Burt wins, we'll never hear the end of it. | ||
| That belt will be on the shelf in front of every fucking Instagram video he makes. | ||
| He'll be like, hey, you guys might know me. | ||
| I'm Bert Kreischer, Sober October champion, or like I like to call it, Sober October. | ||
| That's going to be his, my motivation is all murder and death, and his motivation is all just going to be like Instagram stories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Burt, why are you scared of begging for money? | |
| I'd be amazing at that, Ari. | ||
| I remember I barked at the Boston Comedy Club, and that's my wheelhouse is talking to strangers. | ||
| You know that. | ||
| It's true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So why will you not do it? | |
| I would do it in a heartbeat. | ||
| I would do that for a video. | ||
| I don't care about begging for money. | ||
| I don't think he finds it enticing. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We'll figure it out. | ||
| We'll figure the tiered structure. | ||
| We'll make it so that second place doesn't play as much as third place. | ||
| It doesn't play as much as fourth place. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is there any way we can beat Joe Rogan? | |
| How would that be possible? | ||
| I'm definitely going for that. | ||
| By the way, Joe just made eye contact with me and I averted my eyes. | ||
| He looked at me like, are you being fucking serious? | ||
| I'm so excited about this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe's going to laugh. | |
| I very first believe he's going to laugh. | ||
| Probably two of us. | ||
| Maybe three. | ||
| I might take the whole month off comedy. | ||
| I might work out day and night. | ||
| I might just want to see what my body can do. | ||
| I might just go really crazy. | ||
| See what happens. | ||
| I got a lot of machines here too. | ||
| I'm the only one of us that has a full gym. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You can come over here anytime you like, fella. | ||
| Are you talking to Ari or me? | ||
| You can too. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, you can use my gym. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| I don't know how to use half those machines. | ||
| I'll show you how. | ||
| I'll work out with you. | ||
| We can work out together. | ||
| I was actually thinking of taking my treadmill and dropping it off here. | ||
| It'd actually be fun to work out together. | ||
| We can make videos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Let's do it. | ||
| Alright, let's do a workout there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've got like a butter churner that you can use. | |
| Ah, butter churner. | ||
| Either way, when it's over, we're getting fucked up. | ||
| So are you going to be around at all any time in November, Ari? | ||
| November 5th, he said. | ||
| 5th? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, November 6th we can do that. | |
| 6th? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| 5th or 6th, he said. | ||
| I think 5th works for everyone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm there. | |
| I'm there. | ||
| 4th, 5th, 6th, I think. | ||
| But yeah, whatever that date is, it works for all of us. | ||
| Which one works for everybody? | ||
| 5th. | ||
| I think we all texted. | ||
| It's either the 5th or the 6th. | ||
| I think 5th works better for Tommy. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That works for me, man. | ||
| The 5th is perfect. | ||
| 5th or the 6th, either one. | ||
| Oh no, the 6th, I've got a show I have to do the 6th at night at 5 o'clock. | ||
| There's a television show I've got to do, but I can do the 5th. | ||
| I think the 5th works better for Tommy. | ||
| Alright, we'll do the 5th. | ||
| So the 5th will get fucking plowed. | ||
| We're going to bring in a... | ||
| I'm going to get a kegerator. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| We'll get Kegs, Tito's. | ||
| What do you need, Ari, for the fifth? | ||
| We'll get it in advance. | ||
| You like whiskey, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I love whiskey. | |
| Pappy Van Winkle. | ||
| What's your favorite bourbon? | ||
| Text me your favorite bourbon. | ||
| We'll get a fucking case of it. | ||
| Uber drivers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's good. | |
| Wait, no. | ||
| Who can't do the fifth? | ||
| Tom can't do the fifth. | ||
| No, Tom can. | ||
| The 5th works better for everyone. | ||
| The 5th is everybody. | ||
| So Sober October, the 5th will be the celebration day. | ||
| And then the day where hopefully... | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, Tom flies back on the 5th. | |
| Yeah, so when he flies back, we'll get him fucked up as soon as he lands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, okay. | ||
| That works. | ||
| This is going to be awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That works. | |
| Alright, I've got to plug this in. | ||
| They still have an email, but I'm sure they will. | ||
| I'm going to go charge mine right now and then go put in another workout. | ||
| They'll email you immediately. | ||
| And if you need... | ||
| All they do is send a guy No, did you send it to the support, the email that I just sent in the text message? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's what was on the thing. | |
| They didn't send it? | ||
| Well, they'll send it to you quickly. | ||
| They're gonna hear about this. | ||
| First of all, they're gonna hear about this, so they're probably gonna email you quicker. | ||
| But if you have any ideas about the design of the belt, feel free to chime in there, too. | ||
| Because we gotta order that soon, because it takes like three to four weeks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think it would be cool to have each of our faces as one of the side things with our thing that is hardest. | ||
| Like, you have a joint in your mouth. | ||
| I have a Tito's in my face. | ||
| Ari has a dick in his mouth. | ||
| And Tom has a piece of cake. | ||
| We'll figure it out. | ||
| All right, Ari, we'll figure it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright, guys. | |
| Love you, bye. | ||
| Love you, bye. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| I'm so fucking excited for this. | ||
| Dude, I need these things in my life for some reason. | ||
| I can't motivate unless I have a goal. | ||
| It's serious motivation. | ||
| I was a little skeptical when I first thought about this, but then in using the app, while you're using the app, it's showing you your actual numbers while you're doing it. | ||
| And when you're in the middle of it, you're seeing the actual numbers take place. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Did you accept my friend request? | ||
| I didn't know if I got it. | ||
| I have no notifications on. | ||
| I just requested you and Tom. | ||
| Okay, I'll go in there and look for it. | ||
| Should we accept other people? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| Just the three of us? | ||
| Four of us? | ||
| Do you want to live your life like that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, kind of. | ||
| This is going to be fun, man. | ||
| This is going to be really fun. | ||
| This is going to be a good one. | ||
| I wonder how much weight we're going to lose. | ||
| I'm like 197, 198 right now. | ||
| I think I'm going to get down below 190. Do body measurements. | ||
| Because I think that's... | ||
| I did chest across the nipples, belly across the belly button, waist, and then biceps, calves, and thighs. | ||
| I'll tell you all my exact measurements right now. | ||
| I think I was accurate. | ||
| My blood pressure today was... | ||
| My doctor was calling about my blood pressure today to figure out... | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Well, no, because when I do so in October, it goes so low. | ||
| Is that bad? | ||
| No, it's good, but I'm on medication. | ||
| He wants to kind of watch my medication so that if I... What are you on? | ||
| Losartan and loraz or some other thing. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Why are you on that shit? | ||
| Because I have high blood pressure. | ||
| 129 over 95 was it today. | ||
| But is that a natural thing that you have high blood pressure or is it because of drinking? | ||
| I think it's probably lifestyle induced. | ||
| I think it's from being overweight and probably from drinking, but... | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| Yeah, but they got you on pills? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| Yeah, but it's better than a stroke. | ||
| Like, I think me being proactive and seeing a cardiologist these past five years has been the best thing that ever happened to me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There are significant side effects to a lot of those things. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, you've got to look into that stuff. | ||
| I'd like to get off the pills altogether. | ||
| I'd love it if you did. | ||
| I'd like to get down. | ||
| I would like to. | ||
| I mean, we talked about it jokingly, but I'd like to get below 205. You can do it. | ||
| And keep it there. | ||
| Listen, man, when you got to 220, or you got to 216, you said, at the end of Sober October, what's to stop you from losing 11 more pounds? | ||
| You could do that. | ||
| Think about what fighters do. | ||
| How about my friend Cam Haynes, when he was getting down to run 240 miles, he wanted to get down to 169 or below. | ||
| So you know what he did? | ||
| He ate 2,000 calories, burned off three. | ||
| Just kept doing it every day. | ||
| So anytime people say they can't lose weight, I go, oh, you can. | ||
| You just got to be willing to do what the people that actually lose weight do. | ||
| You're hungry all the time. | ||
| Losing weight's hard. | ||
| How I lose weight is not the healthy way. | ||
| You crash. | ||
| I go, fuck it, let's drop calories below a thousand. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then try to burn three. | ||
| You can't do that because we actually discussed this on a podcast very recently. | ||
| The problem is your metabolism crashes as well and your body goes into this famine mode and it wants to protect calories. | ||
| So anything you do eat, you gain back much quicker and then it's far more difficult for you to lose again because your body has a mechanism in place to protect yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because your body thinks it's, you know, we have to hold on to these calories. | ||
| It slows you down. | ||
| We were talking like one of the guys, Lane Norton, he was involved in bodybuilding and he was saying that his blinking was slower. | ||
| He was blinking slower because, you know, he's shredding, getting down to like low body weight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His metabolism crashed so hard that he was literally blinking and thinking slower. | ||
| And thinking is, for you, for a comic, it's terrible! | ||
| To be thinking slower when you're on stage is the last thing you want, you know? | ||
| If you just work out like a fucking maniac and eat healthy, just cut out the sugar and the fat and all the bullshit, your body will slim down. | ||
| I'm just going to go clean. | ||
| I had a nutritionist talk me through how to eat. | ||
| What did they say? | ||
| Well, here's the thing I always had a problem with. | ||
| She was like, you need to eat before you work out. | ||
| You need a little bit of boat meal. | ||
| You need some energy for your workout. | ||
| You don't necessarily. | ||
| I fast cardio all the time. | ||
| Well, that's why I've been doing the 16-hour fast. | ||
| She might be old school. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are... | ||
| Nutrition and the science behind athletic performance has changed so much over the last 5-10 years. | ||
| Just talking to some random nutritionist might not be the best person to talk to. | ||
| They might not be... | ||
| I don't want to say because I don't know her, but she might not be on the ball. | ||
| I feel like I had so much information, especially when you listen to this podcast. | ||
| You get so much information. | ||
| Zach Bitter's like, you've got to go fatty meats. | ||
| And then you hear Jordan Peterson's daughter saying that. | ||
| And then you go, oh no. | ||
| Very specific situation. | ||
| She has severe autoimmune issues. | ||
| Severe. | ||
| She's most likely, according to other nutritionists that I've talked to, she's probably got some gut bacteria issue that she needs to get her gut biome sorted out. | ||
| It's all so above my pay grade, quite honestly. | ||
| I mean, I get interested in this stuff and I talk about it and there's some things that I can say with a certain amount of certainty, but not Really what you should and shouldn't do in terms of each individual person in their diet. | ||
| I would say, if I was you, what I would get down to is I would say definitely start eating a lot of vegetables. | ||
| That's pretty much universal. | ||
| Everybody agrees, except these crazy carnivore people. | ||
| But I think their situation is like either an elimination diet or a calorie-restricted diet, which is not really the best for performance, I don't think, for the kind of shit you're trying to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think broccoli, kale, spinach, all that stuff sautéed, all that stuff's fantastic for you. | ||
| Then on top of that, I mean, obviously I eat red meat. | ||
| I'm a big fan of red meat. | ||
| I think you should eat just like very nutrient-dense meat. | ||
| And I think you should take multivitamins just to cover all your bases. | ||
| You know, there's a bunch of like really good green supplements that you can add to water or, you know, little packets you can take. | ||
| Do you count your calories? | ||
| No. | ||
| So you just eat until you're full? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many calories do you think you eat a day? | ||
| I really don't know. | ||
| If you had to guess, elk is pretty lean. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty lean. | ||
| And it looks like you're eating maybe eight ounces of elk? | ||
| I probably eat a pound of that a day, for sure. | ||
| At least. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you shoot one, you have 400 pounds of meat. | ||
| I have some for you if you want. | ||
| I definitely do. | ||
| I got a bunch of sausage. | ||
| Elk sausage is sensational. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You love it. | ||
| You love it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I got a ton of it, man. | ||
| I'm definitely up for that, yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I got a bunch in the back. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I got these freezer bags, too, you can take it home with. | ||
| I would say just cut out the sugar in the bread and the pasta. | ||
| And if you just do that, you'll lose a ton of weight. | ||
| You lose a ton of weight just doing that. | ||
| I mean, this one's going to be fucking awesome. | ||
| Yeah, man, just vegetables. | ||
| Get yourself a fucking big bowl of broccolini and cook it with butter and olive oil and put garlic salt on it. | ||
| It's healthy. | ||
| It feels good when you eat it. | ||
| Your body responds well to it. | ||
| Only good nutrients, man. | ||
| And just realize you're going to have to get a lot of rest and you're going to have to drink a shit ton of water because you're going to have to be keeping up with some terrifying numbers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Terrifying. | |
| We're going hard this month, Burt Christy. | ||
| 31 days, man. | ||
| 31 days. | ||
| Yeah, the end, Ben. | ||
| Oh, I'm gonna fucking look amazing. | ||
| You're gonna be jacked and shredded. | ||
| You're gonna be like Skinny Burt, like from that photo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe I'll do TRT. Dude, if you win, do you know how... | |
| You should do TRT. Would you ever get your hormones tested? | ||
| You should get them tested. | ||
| Just to find out where you're at. | ||
| It'll help everything. | ||
| Helps your immune system, helps your energy levels. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Helps your concentration. | ||
| Yeah, it's literally a cognitive enhancing... | ||
| So you just have like a place you can get TRT done? | ||
| Yeah, well you don't... | ||
| You gotta do it... | ||
| Look at that picture! | ||
| Yeah, that's my 40th birthday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| That was on my 40th birthday. | ||
| Look at that slender face. | ||
| See, right there, you are like five pounds from being shredded. | ||
| If you were right there and you lost five pounds, you'd have a six pack. | ||
| I did that. | ||
| You're like at the cusp. | ||
| I lost that weight in 19 days. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| See, the problem is when you do that, the yo-yo, you're crap. | ||
| Why is a picture of me shirtless right under Bert's picture shirtless? | ||
| That's for me when I was like 26. Oh my god. | ||
| It's me on news radio. | ||
| Maybe I was 27? | ||
| Look at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sexy bitch. | |
| So, yeah, the problem is losing the weight like that. | ||
| When you crash, the problem with the crash is, see, if you lose the weight over the month because you're just burning it off like a madman, but you're eating a lot, your body's not going to be in famine mode. | ||
| Your body's just going to be more efficient. | ||
| It's going to need more calories, and you definitely should lift weights. | ||
| That's one thing you should do over this month. | ||
| And lifting weights will also add to this. | ||
| My plan is lifting weights, kickboxing, running hills, yoga... | ||
| And then various cardio machines from the VersaClimber to the Rower to the Echo Bike. | ||
| I'm going to rotate them all so I can keep doing all of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I can do different ones. | ||
| I got the Rower in my house. | ||
| I got the Assault Air Fitness Trainer. | ||
| Don't deny yourself any food though. | ||
| Just fucking pound food. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just pound food all the time because you're just going to be so hungry. | ||
| All right. | ||
| And I think, yeah, if I do two a days. | ||
| And just go, I know what I got to get a day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Just keep going. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is going to be fucking great. | |
| This is going to be great for all of us. | ||
| I was thinking about that today when I was working out. | ||
| I was like, wow. | ||
| When you're looking at the numbers on that thing, it's very motivational. | ||
| It's funny, before when I was in college I ran and what was really fun, they used to have these runner's journals, is to get done your run and write them in. | ||
| Like tracking your fitness, tracking your workout, it's really fun to look at numbers and stack up. | ||
| It's almost like it feels like a hoarder's vibe or like an OCD vibe. | ||
| Yeah, it's definitely better when it's on this app than it is if you just know you worked out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When Fitbit first came out, I had to get to 12,000 steps every day, and I would land from a flight, get up to my hotel room, open a bottle of wine, and just start dancing. | ||
| Fucking weird as fuck. | ||
| Like, if someone came and complained, they would think I was all meth. | ||
| Yeah, it feels good. | ||
| It feels good to set goals. | ||
| But I always tell people, like, one of the best ways to get things done is to write things down. | ||
| It's such a huge motivating factor. | ||
| Like, you have a list of shit that you have to do today and check those bitches off. | ||
| And then at the end of the day, you feel good. | ||
| Like, you go to bed, you feel good. | ||
| I checked off all those things on my list. | ||
| I'm better now. | ||
| I feel better than I was before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| My wife's a big list maker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huge. | |
| When you make a list, it really does organize your day. | ||
| When I was shooting the promo thing for my tour next week, and I shot it this weekend in San Jose, and I was like, I had all these different things I needed to do, and my wife's like, make a fucking list. | ||
| And I went, oh yeah. | ||
| So I wrote down all the shots I needed that I felt like I didn't get the night before, and then just banged it out. | ||
| I was like, wow, that was fucking easy as shit. | ||
| Yeah, it's so much better than trying to remember what else do I need to do, and then like half-assing it. | ||
| You know what you did that's very impressive? | ||
| You came up with a new hour pretty fucking quick. | ||
| How long did it take you to come up with a new hour? | ||
| I came up with it, I don't know, maybe like February, March, April, May, June. | ||
| Six months? | ||
| What did you do to ramp up your writing? | ||
| Super aware. | ||
| So my biggest thing for me, which I think held me back, and I've talked about this a lot, maybe a lot, but when you were in production brain, you didn't have room for comedy brain. | ||
| Like when I was making a TV show, I never didn't have the room for comedy. | ||
| And so I might be obsessed with a bolster. | ||
| There might be something wrong with me, but when I'm in comedy brain, which is when I'm doing a special, it's focused on only that material. | ||
| Like only that material. | ||
| But when I've done the special, I just went up and was like, here, it was the most enjoyable time of my life. | ||
| It's like everything was a bit. | ||
| Just walking around, I was looking for things and just being inspired by the littlest thing. | ||
| Even to this day, it's part of the reason I like to go over to New York and do podcasts and fuck around. | ||
| I was on Anthony Cumia's podcast. | ||
| I came up with two bits in the moment. | ||
| That I was like, dude, those are great. | ||
| Those are going in. | ||
| It's just a new environment, a new feeling. | ||
| Your brain's firing. | ||
| And not denying myself the opportunity of a bit. | ||
| Because a bit is silly or goofy or hacky, in my head I go, that's okay. | ||
| Let's keep working that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so I have... | ||
| Right now I have like 55 minutes that... | ||
| That I feel is really solid, but the goal now, so like we were talking, Tom was talking about untangling it, is like weaving it in so that one bit follows the other one. | ||
| So right now I'm playing with these bits, putting them in different places, trying to figure out... | ||
| What could follow what bit? | ||
| That's the funnest part, also. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then once I do that, and once I know when I'm doing my next special, that's when it almost becomes less fun for me. | ||
| It's like, I don't want to go to the store because I don't want to write new bits. | ||
| But like in the salad days when you're just all writing, I love that shit. | ||
| Just going up on stage and going in LA and be like, I bought a gun, and just going, just feeling the energy and being like, oh, I'm in it. | ||
| I don't know where this is going. | ||
| I could lose them. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| No, I'm joking. | ||
| I went and bought a gun because I thought it might be a good bit. | ||
| I went and said... | ||
| Did you say that on stage? | ||
| No. | ||
| That should be part of the bit. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| Fucking done. | ||
| I bought a gun because I thought it would be a good bit. | ||
| I was driving down Burbank, and I was like, all this gun talk, and I was like, I don't have any gun material. | ||
| I was like, I should buy a gun. | ||
| You should have a real gun nut on your podcast to talk to you about guns. | ||
| I should. | ||
| You know what you should get? | ||
| Get on Coleen Noir. | ||
| I did that guy. | ||
| I follow that guy on YouTube. | ||
| He was on my podcast. | ||
| He's a good guy. | ||
| Yeah, he's great. | ||
| He happens to be black. | ||
| Fucking... | ||
| I'm gonna be like the progressive guy that makes it seem like there's something wrong that you're pointing it out. | ||
| Yes, he happens to be an African-American. | ||
| No, but in that culture... | ||
| I don't know why you have to bring it up. | ||
| In that culture, that is so interesting that they... | ||
| It's almost like... | ||
| Like when he had Mr. Mike on? | ||
| Magic Mike? | ||
| Not Magic Mike. | ||
| Killer Mike? | ||
| Killer Mike on? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was really cool to hear their... | ||
| Mr. Mike. | ||
| Magic Mike. | ||
| Not white guy, Mike? | ||
| It was cool to hear their perspective on it. | ||
| Culturally, you always see the NRA come from this white, redneck theme. | ||
| He makes real good points. | ||
| Wasn't he a lawyer? | ||
| He was a lawyer, right? | ||
| I'm pretty sure he's a lawyer. | ||
| I think he was, yeah. | ||
| But he makes really good points in terms of personal safety and responsibility. | ||
| The thing about people who equate NRA with mass shootings and all kinds of other crazy shit, which is not really totally fair because no NRA member has ever committed a mass shooting. | ||
| Whenever something happens, they think, oh, this is all because these people want other people to have access to these kind of guns. | ||
| That's... | ||
| The real connection, as always, in ad nauseum, I've talked about this too much, is psychotropic drugs. | ||
| Those people are almost all on some sort of psych medicine. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| Is it causation or correlation? | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| Is the psychotropic drugs causing them to do this, or are they on psychotropic drugs because they're crazy and they shouldn't have a gun anyway and it should be more difficult? | ||
| I'm 100%... | ||
| In belief that you should test people and that there should be some sort of standards in terms of mental health, in terms of whether or not you've committed assault, whether or not like those kind of things, whether or not you have a history of mental illness, whether or not you have a history of lashing out or violent outbursts. | ||
| Yeah, those kind of people shouldn't have guns. | ||
| The kind of people that think everybody should have access to a gun, I think that's a little irresponsible. | ||
| But the kind of people that think no one should have a gun, I think that's irresponsible too. | ||
| That's crazy talk. | ||
| I mean, it's not going to happen in our country. | ||
| No, not in this one. | ||
| No. | ||
| But you should have him on, man. | ||
| Or there's other gun nuts I could turn you on to. | ||
| My friend Justin's a legit gun nut. | ||
| I don't know if you've ever met him. | ||
| Justin Collett. | ||
| He's been on my podcast before. | ||
| He's a legit giant. | ||
| He's like seven feet tall. | ||
| But he's a real gun nut. | ||
| He lives in Vegas. | ||
| He has so many guns, he doesn't know how many guns he has. | ||
| How many guns do you have? | ||
| Oh, no, no. | ||
| I'm thinking of the fighter Frank Mir is a big gun guy. | ||
| He's a giant gun guy. | ||
| Frank Mir's strapped everywhere he goes. | ||
| He's got one in his ankle, one up his ass. | ||
| Frank Mir's a really interesting guy. | ||
| Smart dude. | ||
| There's something about cage fighters... | ||
| Where they're very direct, and they say what they mean, and they mean what they say. | ||
| Tate was the first person that I ever ran into that was like that. | ||
| He texted me, and I didn't text back, and he texted again, and then he texted, hey man, I'm starting to get feelings about this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Text me back. | |
| And then I was like, oh yeah, Frank Mir said, he came to my podcast and we had a cigar while we were doing the podcast. | ||
| And he just, it's like, I'm such in, maybe I'm such in this weird bullshit Hollywood world where people don't mean what they say that I'm used to that. | ||
| And he goes, that was a really great cigar. | ||
| We should do this. | ||
| We should have another one. | ||
| I was like, okay. | ||
| And he's like, well, what are you doing at like eight tonight? | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| I'm here, and he's like, I'm gonna go do a podcast, and we'll have another cigar. | ||
| And I was like, oh, okay, yeah, sure. | ||
| I didn't think I'd ever see him again. | ||
| He showed back up at 7.55. | ||
| He was like, you ready for that cigar? | ||
| And we went to my backyard, and we smoked another cigar, and just talked. | ||
| And I was like, he fucking... | ||
| Isn't that funny that being sincere is an oddity? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the world of acting. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| You know, around the world of auditions, and actors, and producers, and execs. | ||
| This is a strange land we live in, man. | ||
| This right here. | ||
| This shit happens in other places, but it just is very prevalent here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like where people just aren't genuine and they're not honest. | ||
| But this is like people just lick their finger and stick it out in the wind and try to figure out which way the wind's blowing and that's the way they go. | ||
| Because everybody just wants everybody to like them out here because everyone's auditioning for things. | ||
| It's just such a strange place, man. | ||
| I saw my buddy Eddie is like a man, you know, a Cuban from Florida. | ||
| He'll fist fight, he's just a regular guy. | ||
| An actual man. | ||
| An actual man. | ||
| And he came out, the first time he came out, there was a comic, I won't say his name, who was holding court at the Hollywood Improv, and he was making fun of me. | ||
| Like, as the joke, everyone was laughing, and I was laughing. | ||
| And my buddy Eddie just kind of looked sideways, and we got in the car, and he goes, why'd you let that happen? | ||
| I go, well, he's super famous. | ||
| I mean, you know, it's like, whatever. | ||
| He goes, nah, man. | ||
| Nah, he's smaller than you. | ||
| Why don't you just fucking knock him out? | ||
| And I go, that's not how it works out here. | ||
| He goes, yeah, it is. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| It does. | ||
| Let him say that shit to me. | ||
| That's how it works. | ||
| I go, no, Eddie, you gotta understand. | ||
| He's smaller than you. | ||
| Why does he just knock about? | ||
| And he's like, dude, I don't like that disrespectful shit. | ||
| I was like, well, no, it's different out here, Eddie. | ||
| He goes, no, it's not. | ||
| It's different because you're letting it be different. | ||
| Well, it depends on how close you are with the guy. | ||
| Because if you're really close with the guy, and he's saying funny things, and you think they're funny, and you're laughing sincerely, like, we bust on each other all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's not disrespectful. | ||
| It's just hilarious. | ||
| It's just, I think it's, I think everyone knows that we're all close friends, and that's our, it's our language. | ||
| But there are people who are not your close friends, who's like, look at Bert over there with blah, blah, blah, and then they'll start fucking with you, and it gets a little slippery and Gross. | ||
| Especially, it's narcissism. | ||
| It's guys who think they'll alpha you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's funny, I definitely have changed from that. | ||
| When you're young and you're hungry in this business and you want to succeed, you don't want to tell a famous guy that might be able to give you work, hey man, don't talk to me like that, because then you almost blackball yourself. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, you've had some bad experiences. | ||
| We don't need to mention any names, but you've had some bad experiences with a particular comedian that was like that, where we've talked about it. | ||
| There's mentally ill people that are in this business, too. | ||
| There's that. | ||
| It's tough. | ||
| I feel like sometimes I draw them in. | ||
| I talk to Stanhope about that. | ||
| Because you're so nice. | ||
| Yeah, and I'll say this about myself. | ||
| I'm very creative and I like to fuck around. | ||
| And I think some people see that as a weakness. | ||
| There's someone that I'm told you privately that stole from me that was a friend separate. | ||
| And it... | ||
| I, man, that fucking makes me angry because I go, I remember when it happened and I'd already dealt with something else that was similar to that. | ||
| I remember I was at my wife's lake house when someone texted me and said, hey man, did you give that joke to that person? | ||
| And I was like, no. | ||
| Ooh, man, it pulled this fucking thing in my, in my id that was like, I remember thinking, do you think I'm weak? | ||
| Do you think I won't say anything? | ||
| Do you think that you can do that to me? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I didn't say anything. | ||
| I didn't say anything because I learned the first time around that it really, almost like all these women that come out about sexual assault, it doesn't benefit you to come out and say that someone stole a joke from you. | ||
| You just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you just equate I know. | |
| It's that coming forward thing where you look at these women and say there's no benefit and people go, oh, bitches lie. | ||
| I go, no they don't. | ||
| There's not a lot of benefit to go and say you've been raped because now you've got to fucking, that's what you're defined as. | ||
| And you've got to defend yourself from something you didn't do to yourself. | ||
| And so when you get stolen from them, obviously that is a stretch of an equivocation, but to come out and defend yourself, people do start attacking you and go, why would you even say anything? | ||
| Dude, you're just jealous. | ||
| Well, you have to put yourself out on a limb if you're talking about someone taking something, like a joke, from you too, because you have to hope that people side with you. | ||
| So, like, say if some famous person steals something from you, you have to hope when you come out that a bunch of people are going to jump on his side and attack you, which is totally possible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if they do, then you're fucked. | ||
| Then you're out on a limb. | ||
| Dude, I went through, and I screen-grabbed everything that was proof unequivocally. | ||
| Screen-grabbed everything. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| I got everything. | ||
| I'll never do anything with it. | ||
| But you know what, man? | ||
| The good lesson is now that person you could write off forever. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Was it Goodfellas? | ||
| What was it? | ||
| What was the movie? | ||
| Like, you got off light. | ||
| Like, you know, for $20 or $200, whatever it is, now that person never has to talk to you again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're good. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Sometimes when someone does something like that, you're like, okay. | ||
| Now I can write you off. | ||
| And write them off in a very interesting way as a comic. | ||
| To know, oh, you never had it, you never will. | ||
| You don't got what I have. | ||
| I can make more of that shit. | ||
| That's what I do for a living. | ||
| Oh my god, so when you really don't have any material and you don't know how to write, you don't know how to write new material. | ||
| Oh, shut the fuck up. | ||
| So that's what you can't do? | ||
| Oh, suck a dick. | ||
| There's two different types of mindsets. | ||
| The type of mindset where someone steals someone else's ideas and tries to pass them off as their own is kind of the opposite mindset. | ||
| To someone who's creative. | ||
| Because when you're creative, you're thinking about a bit. | ||
| You're not thinking about yourself and how the bit is going to work for you and how it's going to kill when you get out there. | ||
| But when you're stealing, say if you have a bit about lollipops, and I go, oh, I wish that was my bit. | ||
| I'm going to steal that lollipop bit. | ||
| That bit's going to kill. | ||
| And then I do that lollipop bit, and it crushes! | ||
| And I go, oh, I feel so good when I do that lollipop bit. | ||
| They get addicted to it. | ||
| That's one of the things about people that get called out for bits, and they say, oh, I'm not going to do it anymore. | ||
| And then, I heard he did that bit at the Laugh Factory. | ||
| Because they get addicted to the reaction that bit gets. | ||
| See, you're addicted to coming up with new stuff. | ||
| And I am, and the people that try to be creative, what you're trying to do is you're trying to summon these ideas out of the ether. | ||
| You're trying to pull them out of the air, and then once you have them, like, okay, I got it in a bottle, I got it in a bottle, okay, now I gotta add things to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I gotta bring it alive. | |
| I gotta fucking Frankenstein it. | ||
| It's alive! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then one day, months and months later, you trot that bit out of the improv and it fucking crushes. | ||
| And that is one of the most amazing feelings. | ||
| Yeah, like someone like Sam Tripoli or Bill Burr come up and go, dude, I love that new bit. | ||
| And just go... | ||
| You're like, it's working. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| It's popping. | ||
| We all love that about each other, too. | ||
| I love when someone's got a new bit. | ||
| And I go, is that new? | ||
| What is that bit? | ||
| You're like, oh, dude. | ||
| This hour that comes out tonight at midnight, I remember watching you run it in the OR at its infancy, probably like eight months ago. | ||
| Right when I was getting ready in February, when I was getting ready to tape my special, I saw you doing yours, and I was like... | ||
| Shit, is this your new material? | ||
| And you're like yeah, I'm getting ready to film in you know a couple months and I was like oh like dude That's the greatest feeling when you sit as a comic in the back and you watch your friends just fucking murder. | ||
| It inspires you with shit you haven't heard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, that's the best Yeah, but people that still never get that they will never get it. | |
| They're missing that It's sad It's it's a sad thing because they're always gonna have to live this weird lie You know? | ||
| The weird lie of creativity. | ||
| Because creativity is so slippery. | ||
| And you can't be thinking about yourself. | ||
| That's not what it's about. | ||
| It's the opposite about that. | ||
| It's all about the idea. | ||
| It's all about how it gets to the people. | ||
| It's all about how it works. | ||
| You have to take yourself literally out of the equation. | ||
| But the people who steal, it's all about them. | ||
| It's all about them getting a good feeling doing someone else's bit. | ||
| And I really think that there's this weird balance to the world. | ||
| And I think when you do that, I think it takes away from your ability to do the other thing. | ||
| It takes away from your ability to be creative. | ||
| I would almost argue I'm the exact opposite. | ||
| When a bit gets up and running and murderous, I almost feel like I'm lying to the audience. | ||
| Like I'm cheating going like... | ||
| You know it works. | ||
| You've been doing it too long. | ||
| I have a hard time doing sets at the store when I got my hour ready. | ||
| I go, what am I going there for? | ||
| I'm stealing a spot from someone who can use it. | ||
| And I'm just going up with shit that works? | ||
| Like, oh, come on, Burt. | ||
| Yeah, but you're giving the audience a good time, and you're keeping everything sharp. | ||
| That's the other thing. | ||
| Once a bit is done, you can't just leave it alone. | ||
| Because if I had to today go up and do my Bruce Jenner bit... | ||
| I wouldn't be able to do it. | ||
| I don't know how to do it. | ||
| I haven't done it in two years. | ||
| I literally wouldn't be able to do it. | ||
| It was one of my best bits ever, and I wouldn't know where to start. | ||
| I would have to go back, listen to it, and then I would have to go do it a bunch of times to get it polished again. | ||
| It's really fun, though, when someone calls out a joke that you haven't told in years, and you're like, I did it this past week. | ||
| I do an hour 25-minute show, hour 20th show, where I do my new hour, and then at the end, whatever bits I want to hear, I'll tell. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| And it's a two-man show, so I have someone do 15 minutes and I do the rest. | ||
| And that way I feel like people definitely want to hear flying dildos or the machine. | ||
| And someone called out, Mexican kid in the elevator! | ||
| And I was like, whoa. | ||
| I haven't done that since my first special. | ||
| Do you remember how to do it? | ||
| I didn't. | ||
| But I started doing it. | ||
| And I was like, and I just kind of, your muscle memory goes back in, and then you're like, and you're so much better of a comedian now, that the things that you would have never said back then, because you didn't know how to do it, you just start adding ad-libs in, and it just kills, and you're like, shit, man! | ||
| I had a guy come on stage once, he asked me to do a bit, and I go, I don't remember how to do a bit. | ||
| He goes, I do. | ||
| I go, get up here, bitch. | ||
| So I brought him up on stage, and I had him kind of do the bit. | ||
| I go, yeah, I remember that part. | ||
| Okay, okay. | ||
| I saw some guy on Instagram. | ||
| He was doing my machine bit as a joke. | ||
| He's an open mic or maybe his 10th time on stage or whatever. | ||
| And his friends, I guess, are fans. | ||
| And he was like... | ||
| When I was 22, I got involved with the Russian Mafia. | ||
| Here's how it happened. | ||
| And they all started laughing. | ||
| He goes, I'm just kidding. | ||
| I ain't doing that shit. | ||
| But it made me giggle because he misspoke. | ||
| It's not the way I say it. | ||
| I got in a scuffle with the Russian Mafia. | ||
| And I heard something and it made me giggle. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird how people interpret, like when you do something and then people really like it and they take it and they make a clip about it or something or they add something to it or they... | ||
| One of the weirder things has been the animated shit that people do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| See, it's just like you go... | ||
| We were talking about this the other day, that when you're in this room and you're doing this podcast, it just seems like you and me are talking. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why it works, or you and me and whoever else is here. | ||
| But for the people that hear it, the actual numbers that you're dealing with, you're dealing with millions of people. | ||
| That doesn't seem to register in your head. | ||
| And then you'll see these clips, and you'll see these memes, and you'll see these videos, and you see these animated shorts, and you see people do impressions of you, and you're like, wait, what? | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| And then you see people get tattoos of your face on their ass or something like that, like on your calf. | ||
| They get you smiling, your beard on their calf. | ||
| And you're like, what the fuck? | ||
| The machine. | ||
| I saw a dude who had that Russian t-shirt tattooed on his body, the one that you made with the machine with the Russian language with you looking off into space. | ||
| I was like, whoa. | ||
| It's fucking insane. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Especially like, I mean, dude, when I saw that Joe Rogan meets Rojogan, I was just... | ||
| That guy's a wizard, whoever did that shit. | ||
| Dude, I had gotten done a show in Oxnard and my kids were in the other room, my wife. | ||
| There's a new one out with you, you know. | ||
| I just reposted it where Bert stops talking shit. | ||
| That made me giggle so hard. | ||
| I had just gotten high and I was in a room by myself. | ||
| My family's in another room. | ||
| I was like, dude, I hope this guy knows how much joy he just gave me. | ||
| Like, whatever I was thinking about, you know, like my set or whatever, I'm dying fucking laughing. | ||
| I was like, dude, thank you, man. | ||
| Well, it's the amount of effort that it takes to listen to so much audio that you can have a conversation played back and forth between a dude and his self. | ||
| Like, you know how many videos that guy must have had to listen to and how much editing he had to do to do that? | ||
| Dude, I don't want to fanboy out, but I'm a huge fan. | ||
| And it cuts to you? | ||
| I was pissing myself. | ||
| I literally hit pause. | ||
| You know what, like when you get excited and you're like, I think you had sent it to me maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| And someone sent, maybe Tommy had sent it to me. | ||
| And I immediately, it was too late, but I wanted to text everyone and go, I want everyone to see this. | ||
| And then when it cut, by the way, I'm already giggling because I'm, you know. | ||
| And then when it cut to me as the mangy chimp, I... Fucking howling. | ||
| I'm howling and I'm excited. | ||
| Did you see a hairless chimp? | ||
| Like, oh jeez, look at the balls on that thing. | ||
| He'll rip your dick off. | ||
| He'll rip your dick off. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| That fucking... | ||
| And then when he just did the new one... | ||
| I gotta go pick up my daughter. | ||
| When he just did the new one of me drinking... | ||
| Jeez, it's already 2.35? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This room's a time warp. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's a time warp. | ||
| When the fuck do you ever sit down and talk to somebody for three hours? | ||
| It's the best thing about these podcasts is that you literally sit and catch up and break balls and giggle, come up with brilliant challenges. | ||
| Dude, it's changed me. | ||
| It's changed me as a person. | ||
| My ability to communicate is so much... | ||
| I'm just so much better at it than I was nine years ago when I first started doing this. | ||
| You really are. | ||
| I mean, I can say this as a fan. | ||
| I think anyone who listens—I've been listening to the podcast. | ||
| I always listen to the podcast. | ||
| You've changed immeasurably in almost the most renaissance way. | ||
| It's like you have conversations with people I wouldn't know what the fuck they even do. | ||
| But there's still hints of exactly who you are. | ||
| You're very measured in what you say and how you put out your ideas. | ||
| You listen. | ||
| You're willing to change. | ||
| I remember when you stopped saying faggot. | ||
| I remember when you were like, you know what? | ||
| I think I'm going to stop saying that in conversation. | ||
| I remember I was like, oh, that's a good idea. | ||
| Maybe I should stop too. | ||
| We were in the old Death Squad East or where West was it? | ||
| Oh, in Pasadena? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the problem is it's a fun thing to say, and you don't mean it in a homophobic way. | ||
| It still is fun to say. | ||
| I still let it slip out every now and then. | ||
| It aged like a fine wine. | ||
| It's a fun thing to say, but the problem is the way it makes other people feel is not fun. | ||
| Language should be about intent. | ||
| It should be about you're conveying your intent through a sound. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the problem is it's not working correctly. | ||
| Like if someone is hearing it on the other end and it's making them angry and you're like, but no, I'm silly. | ||
| I'm being silly about it. | ||
| I'm a silly faggot. | ||
| They're like, no, no, no, you can't. | ||
| Like, okay, well, it's not. | ||
| This is an ineffective use of sound to convey my thoughts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it worth it to piss people off? | ||
| You know, is it worth it? | ||
| Like, look what happened with Tommy and the word retard, which he's not calling anyone that. | ||
| The bit is about forbidden language. | ||
| And he literally, all he said in that bit was that you're not allowed to use that word anymore. | ||
| And in saying that, there was massive protests. | ||
| There was all these people freaking out because they don't even want you to utter the sound. | ||
| It's a real problem because That kind of thinking is nonsense. | ||
| To say that it can't be used ever, that you can't admit that it's a word, like you cannot say it, you cannot utter it, that it's abracadabra, that it's a magic word. | ||
| You can't even bring it up in conversation to understand that we are changing, so this word, whatever the word is, that you can't say it anymore. | ||
| Remember when they were trying to get rid of bossy? | ||
| Do you remember bossy? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, they were trying to say that bossy is a sexist word. | ||
| You shouldn't use bossy. | ||
| They abandoned it. | ||
| But it's that point, is that they'll try to find something to be offended by, and they'll try to put whatever that word is into this forbidden category. | ||
| And then you can have so many words in that category, then it's going to be crazy. | ||
| And then you have noises that you can't make. | ||
| I think the real thing that's going to change, and I really think this is going to happen, is we're going to figure out a way to bypass language. | ||
| There's going to be a way to directly convey information to people without language. | ||
| And it's going to happen through some sort of technology. | ||
| And Elon Musk was talking about it on the podcast. | ||
| There's something called Neuralink that he's working on that's some sort of really revolutionary way to increase bandwidth between you and ideas and how ideas get to your head. | ||
| It's going to be something that you wear. | ||
| I think that's gonna be like step one and then you're gonna be able to do that from person to person and I think you know all this we're so invasive now with social media like it's so and cell phones and electronics everything is in your life and people are getting closer and closer to each other and One of the side effects is that of that is that people now realize they can hurt you so they can attack you easier and they can And they can tear things down. | ||
| They can light things on fire because they can. | ||
| Not necessarily because it's a wise thing or it's a measured thing or it's a really well thought out thing. | ||
| They're doing it just because it's a new thing that they can use. | ||
| Like you gave a chimp an AK-47 and they just started shooting up the jungle. | ||
| I mean literally that is what a lot of people are doing with social media. | ||
| But I think that is just a stage and that eventually we're going to bypass language. | ||
| I really think that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it's going to be like emojis. | ||
| And we're going to communicate through like a form of hieroglyphics almost. | ||
| This is a conversation I need to have on November 5th when I'm high. | ||
| We're going to be baked. | ||
| Baked, drunk, fucked up. | ||
| November 5th. | ||
| I can't fucking wait. | ||
| Let's wrap this up. | ||
| So we kind of have a parameter. | ||
| We'll figure it out as we go along. | ||
| I've got it written all right here. | ||
| I'll take a picture and leave it here. | ||
| All right. | ||
| But... | ||
| And then we'll figure out the belt. | ||
| Dude, this is awesome. | ||
| This is awesome. | ||
| It's going to be awesome. | ||
| The belt's going to be the shit. | ||
| Because we're going to have that belt every year. | ||
| I can't fucking wait. | ||
| I'm going to get a deluxe belt, too. | ||
| Fat leather, brass, beautiful. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Your special tonight at midnight. | ||
| Yeah, midnight tonight. | ||
| It's called Strange Times. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| That's where we live in. | ||
| I saw the material at the store. | ||
|
unidentified
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Thanks, brother. | |
| I'm so excited for you, man. | ||
| I'm excited, too. | ||
| Nervous, too. | ||
| Bye, everybody. |
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