July 27, 2018 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:49:10
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Oh, we're live. | ||
| What are you guys betting on? | ||
| Look around real quick. | ||
| What's new? | ||
| Easy. | ||
| It's easier than you think. | ||
| Bruce Lee? | ||
| Bruce Lee. | ||
| Yeah, but still, though. | ||
| He didn't say it. | ||
| He goes, I wonder if he'll say it right as he gets on. | ||
| I said, no, I should have bet you money. | ||
| I was going to say it. | ||
| You did look this way. | ||
| You just seen it right away. | ||
| No, I saw it immediately. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bruce! | |
| It's pretty dope. | ||
| It is dope. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just sent those in. | ||
| This guy's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Plastic cell. | ||
| He made some awesome shit. | ||
| There's a great hip-hop album I used to listen to in high school, and they used one of his quotes, one of my favorites. | ||
| He says, honestly expressing oneself is really hard to do. | ||
| I can use really fancy movements and show you really crazy things, but to honestly express myself, that is really hard to do. | ||
| It's like a beautiful little sound clip before they start the song, but it's like just him talking to someone. | ||
| Isn't it humbling when someone dies really young like he does, and they did way more in their life than you ever will? | ||
| Makes me sad. | ||
| Like, what am I gonna do? | ||
| You'd stop and think about it. | ||
| Like, who the fuck else has had that kind of an impact? | ||
| And, you know, he died in, what, 1970-something? | ||
| In the 70s, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was young. | ||
| Yeah, I think he was like 30 or 31 or 32 or something like that. | ||
| Find out how old Bruce Lee was when he died. | ||
| It's not like I was listening to Hendrix last night on the way to the studio or a lot way to the Comedy Store. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of my 33 and I was thinking he died when he was 27. How much Hendrix music is there out there? | ||
| He died when he was 27. Yeah, but then you think do you think he'd be happy with what's going on to like I always find that like what would they be doing today? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who knows? | |
| That trips me up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you can't do that. | ||
| No, I know, but that's like, oh, they had such like a... | ||
| Because, right, there's guys that lasted a long time and they either like are making garbage or they're slowly still making cool shit here and there whenever they want to. | ||
| Yeah, there's the variety. | ||
| And then there's people that just... | ||
| Nobody wants to hear their new shit, right? | ||
| It's like the Rolling Stones. | ||
| Yeah, you're like, nah. | ||
| Come on, start me up. | ||
| Come on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| Nobody wants to hear like new Rolling Stones songs. | ||
| This new one's called Car Tire. | ||
| Don't play that. | ||
| Don't play that. | ||
| Isn't that weird, though? | ||
| Because they're all-time greats, but if they start playing some song you haven't heard, you're like, ah, the fuck is all this? | ||
| That's kind of like yesterday when I was running, they have this thing called the Big Three. | ||
| It's a post-NBA league for players to play in once they retire. | ||
| It's just three-on-three, but it's really sad to watch guys that have been retired for like 10 years hooping because you're like... | ||
| This is just bad. | ||
| You want to just remember them when they were amazing. | ||
| But now they're just too old to be... | ||
| It's like circusy, you know what I mean? | ||
| People are showing up just to see those names, but it's really bad to watch. | ||
| How old are they? | ||
| I mean, there is no minimum. | ||
| I just think you have to be retired from the league to play in it. | ||
| But the average age has got to be 40, maybe. | ||
| See... | ||
| Depends on the sport and the athlete. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, basketball is... | |
| Bernard Hopkins was fighting in his 40s at his best. | ||
| Different, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Basketball is just... | ||
| It's such a young man's game. | ||
| But so is boxing. | ||
| I know, but there's something about it that's hard to watch and do with gray hair missing free throws. | ||
| That's a weird... | ||
| A guy who used to be phenomenal. | ||
| I understand what you're saying, but I disagree in the fact that it's even sadder watching an old guy get the fuck beat out of him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That used to be good. | ||
| Yeah, that's sad. | ||
| That's sad. | ||
| But he still probably fights because he loves it? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| Just for the money? | ||
| Everybody fights for money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, they fight because they love the competition, but they get paid. | ||
| They're doing it for money, too. | ||
| Well, that's why these guys are doing the big three. | ||
| There's no way they enjoy it anymore. | ||
| Oh, how do you know? | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| It just looks so sad. | ||
| It's just so sad. | ||
| Do you think that, I think with basketball too, it's wear and tear on the knees. | ||
| It's so devastating. | ||
| Your back, your knees, everything. | ||
| Left, right, left, right. | ||
| When you watch, there's a guy named Glenn Davis, Big Baby Davis. | ||
| And he always had big problems in the league being so heavy on his knees and his back. | ||
| And it's even worse there. | ||
| He fell once during it and rolled around for like five minutes. | ||
| I was like, this is so sad to watch. | ||
| And their cameras are just focusing on him. | ||
| And Rappaport is doing the announcing. | ||
| Michael Rappaport? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| He's like... | ||
| He's doing the interview. | ||
| It's so weird, man. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| He's like a 80-year-old, 20-year-old. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His career is on this crazy revival train, and it's almost like he is going back to young Rappaport style. | ||
| He's a funny dude, man. | ||
| Oh, he's hilarious. | ||
| Interviewing... | ||
| I guess it was... | ||
| I forget what sport it was, but he's interviewing these guys, and he's kind of hunched over... | ||
| Like, talking to him. | ||
| He's a big guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's, like, got this look on his face. | ||
| He's interviewing him. | ||
| Like, this is such a weird combination of, like, an old guy and a young guy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But he's connected with the youth so heavily. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, he's on top of things. | ||
| He did that documentary for Tribe Called Quest. | ||
| Like, he still is in, like, that youthful world of, like, music and sports. | ||
| Did you ever see the rant that he went on after Charlottesville? | ||
| About those tiki torch carrying white guys? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, I did. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Tinky torch, motherfuckers! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he's loose, you know? | ||
| I mean, he's out there. | ||
| He's very funny on The Fighter and The Kid, too. | ||
| He goes on that show. | ||
| He's hysterical. | ||
| And he goes and he fights with the whole Howard Stern staff. | ||
| He loves fighting with those guys because they all do fantasy football and all that stuff. | ||
| He's vocally a massive sports fan, which I think that keeps him in that youth circle so much that he just loves sports and loves talking sports to everybody. | ||
| Yeah, he hosts sports shows sometimes. | ||
| Like, he's hosted different people's... | ||
| One of those radio TV shows. | ||
| Those radio shows they constantly... | ||
| They show on TV occasionally. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, what are those? | ||
| Who does those? | ||
| They're like... | ||
| Dan Patrick? | ||
| Yeah, Dan Patrick has one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, those... | ||
| Yeah, sport... | ||
| It's like guys that left ESPN. I don't know jack shit about sports, man. | ||
| Yeah, you do. | ||
| I don't know shit. | ||
| You know about sports that you know about. | ||
| But that's all I know about. | ||
| Like, the problem is people try to talk to me about other sports. | ||
| Yeah, you fucking believe that game? | ||
| Like... | ||
| But that's everybody. | ||
| Ian Edwards loves soccer. | ||
| I couldn't tell you a position other than goalie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you name one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Forward. | |
| See, but then I think about hockey, because I'm like, I know hockey, but I have no idea about it. | ||
| Isn't hockey the same as soccer, just with ice? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Do you know? | ||
| Very close, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| Pretty close. | ||
| There's a midfielder. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Defense. | ||
| Defense? | ||
| Forward and defense, yeah. | ||
| Aren't they all defense? | ||
| Sorta. | ||
| When you're on defense, yeah. | ||
| Same as hockey, right? | ||
| I'm sorry, I couldn't. | ||
| I was in Italy when the World Cup was going on. | ||
| And it was amazing to watch Europeans watch that shit because they love it. | ||
| Oh, they go crazy. | ||
| I've totally checked out. | ||
| I was talking about this before. | ||
| What ruined it for me was I was in Boulder when the World Cup was happening. | ||
| And all these dorky white guys pretending to be way too enthusiastic about the World Cup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, dude. | |
| Because it's the World Cup. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know that thing that people do? | |
| They're not into it. | ||
| You know that fake thing that people do? | ||
| They're like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Fucking yes! | ||
| But it's not real. | ||
| The Olympics does that too. | ||
| The Olympics has this thing when people get into like... | ||
| It's cool to cheer for your country or whatever, but it's so funny when people get into the Olympics and they're like, did you watch us in luge? | ||
| Did you watch us rip it up in luge? | ||
| No, I don't fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| What are you talking about? | ||
| That's not... | ||
| Were we ripping it up and loose? | ||
| Was I asleep? | ||
| We were fucking shit up and loose yesterday? | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| What did we do? | ||
| The Winter Olympics, everyone freaks out. | ||
| And they have sports that you would never even think about wanting to watch. | ||
| Like the cross-country ski and then you shoot on the ground and then you ski some more? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You would never. | ||
| I would never. | ||
| 3-on-3 basketball is going to be in the Summer Olympics. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| This big three thing? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| What is a big three? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's the big three is the three-on-three tournament we were talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| With the ex-NBA players. | ||
| But wait a minute. | ||
| They're putting them in the Olympics. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| I looked this up the other day and was so surprised. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| I don't know what kind of competition it's going to be, but the Big 3 success has led to it being included in the next Summer Olympics. | ||
| How many people are in a normal basketball game? | ||
| Ten. | ||
| Five on five. | ||
| Five on five. | ||
| This is three on three and it's half court. | ||
| And they have a four-point shot. | ||
| Which doesn't exist. | ||
| They have a weird rule, too, that once it gets down to four minutes, that like... | ||
| No, I'm sorry. | ||
| The basketball tournament has a weird rule. | ||
| I just confused the two things. | ||
| There's another tournament going on, which is amateur players and teams, and it's a $1 million tournament. | ||
| It's actually $2 million. | ||
| $2 million? | ||
| Yeah, so it's a tournament going on all across the country. | ||
| We could have entered it if we wanted to. | ||
| We should. | ||
| We would have lost, but we could have. | ||
| Yeah, wouldn't that be fun? | ||
| Just don't talk negative to me, bro. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| We could have. | ||
| Don't say we wouldn't have lost, bro. | ||
| You don't know my heart. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| We would have been training. | ||
| You know what goes on in my head, bro. | ||
| This is former MB guys and former college players. | ||
| Whatever, bro. | ||
| Don't put limitations on us. | ||
| We would have had an average height of 5'10". | ||
| We'd be killing. | ||
| But they have a weird... | ||
| These 6'9 black dudes and these three white heads just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, guys. | |
| We're here to play. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hi. | |
| Hi, fellas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, guys. | |
| Just tying my shoes. | ||
| So, um, what are the rules? | ||
| There's a four-point shot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe just hugs the ball and starts fucking head-butting people out of the way. | |
| Why can't we do that? | ||
| Why can't we play like that? | ||
| Guys, you gotta go. | ||
| Well, we tried. | ||
| I don't have any sports skills. | ||
| I don't know if he foul outs. | ||
| Maybe he could. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Foul outs? | ||
| We would just use you as the bull and foul out. | ||
| What happens if you foul out? | ||
| Kick you out. | ||
| You're done. | ||
| You can't play anymore. | ||
| All of a sudden, then the game's over. | ||
| No, but they have two other players on their bench that they rotate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| But we would have you foul as hard as you can to really fuck up their best players. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's strategy. | ||
| And then Jamie and I would have to bang it out. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| Way too dicky. | ||
| Do they have that? | ||
| They have that in hockey. | ||
| Oh, they do in the NBA. Same thing. | ||
| They do in the NBA? Oh, yeah. | ||
| And guys get pissed because it ruins their career, costs millions of dollars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Hack-A-Shack was the original. | ||
| They used to foul Shaq because they knew, what were they going to do to stop him? | ||
| He's a fucking truck. | ||
| So he would just get the ball. | ||
| They would tomahawk him as hard as they could. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| He used to complain about it. | ||
| It was funny because, you know, Couch sports fans were always like, oh, shut the fuck up. | ||
| You're huge. | ||
| You have no idea how... | ||
| He is big, but another huge dude that's just throwing their arm as hard as they can all game. | ||
| Dude, he gets totally fucked up from that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| It happened before that. | ||
| Old NBA people would be like, that's bullshit they did in their 70s. | ||
| But Shaq was just the biggest guy that's ever played with that much agility. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's so big. | |
| Whenever I shake his hand, I'm like, what is that? | ||
| It's absurd. | ||
| It's like a desk. | ||
| It's like a desk. | ||
| He's like, hey man, what's up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How you doing, bro? | |
| Big fan. | ||
| He did Fear Factor with me. | ||
| And him and I were, like, he was a huge Fear Factor fan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he did, like, a whole episode where he co-hosted it with me, and he stood next to me, and he, like, he would do the, I'm gonna do the countdown. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Three, two, one, shock attack! | |
| Shock attack time. | ||
| And when he would do the countdown, I was standing next to him, like, this is, like, an eight-year-old hanging out with his dad. | ||
| Oh, all I hear are stories like that, that he's, like, he's a big kid on set. | ||
| Like, he can't stop fucking around. | ||
| No, but I feel like an eight-year-old next to a grown-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you! | |
| He's so big! | ||
| Yeah, he's mammoth. | ||
| But he's a big kid. | ||
| That's all I ever hear. | ||
| Anybody that works with him, he loves fucking around. | ||
| He loves not taking it serious. | ||
| Super fun guy. | ||
| Very friendly. | ||
| He's so dynamic. | ||
| He's like a cop. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He wants to do undercover work. | ||
| In Miami or something, right? | ||
| Yeah, like Fort Lauderdale or some show like that. | ||
| He would be involved in raids and shit. | ||
| It's pretty hard to be undercover when you're 6'11". | ||
| Massive black dude. | ||
| He's got to be one of the biggest guys that's ever played, right? | ||
| Not the tallest, but probably one of the most... | ||
| Massive. | ||
| Probably the most mass. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And muscle. | ||
| I mean, you know, when you get up next to his arm, it's this. | ||
| It's like two of my thighs. | ||
| He got into MMA for a while. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know if he's still doing it. | ||
| Yeah, training. | ||
| But there was videos of him training. | ||
| And I was like, look, if there was no weight limitations, like he's so... | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's me and him together. | ||
| He's so fucking big! | ||
| Yeah, it does look like a man and his buddy. | ||
| Yeah, a child. | ||
| A child and a grown man. | ||
| Yeah, I have a picture of me at the MTV... What was it at? | ||
| Movie Awards or something like that with him next to me where I was interviewing him for this thing. | ||
| Oh, it was the roast. | ||
| One of the roasts. | ||
| A Bieber. | ||
| And I'm doing this with the microphone. | ||
| Like full extension with it. | ||
| And he's bending down still. | ||
| He still has to dug. | ||
| I'm like, Jack? | ||
| It's kind of weird that like... | ||
| The UFC has a weight limit. | ||
| What's the top out? | ||
| 265. Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| Yeah, why is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Does it get... | ||
| There's a super heavy. | ||
| Super heavy. | ||
| We've never had a super heavy fight, but super heavy weight is 265 and above. | ||
| Well, who's the heaviest fighter that's ever fought? | ||
| 265 when they weigh in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| After that, probably Brock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brock was cutting weight to make 265. Wasn't he around 300 pounds at one point? | |
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's fine. | |
| Fucking insane. | ||
| And it's a different kind of 300 pounds, too. | ||
| Shaq is 330. He's 7'1". | ||
| His shoes are 22. His foot is two feet. | ||
| That's his foot. | ||
| Yeah, his foot is two feet. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| But a guy like that could never fight in the UFC because he probably can't make 265. No. | ||
| If he did, he would be shredded. | ||
| Fucking zero fat. | ||
| But I wonder about how, because he's so big. | ||
| Yeah, he'd have to lose 75 pounds, right? | ||
| They say 330? | ||
| Is that what he weighed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, 330. He looked like a rookie. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| He was so big. | ||
| He's so big. | ||
| And he's a kid right there, by the way. | ||
| He's 19 or 20 years old right there. | ||
| Goddamn, that's crazy. | ||
| He's a fucking full-grown man at 20. I mean, what? | ||
| Did you ever see the movie Blue Chips? | ||
| Do you ever see that? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's a great movie. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| It's like about Shaq, Nick Nolte. | ||
| He's recruiting him out of high school. | ||
| Oh, that movie's about Shaq? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a phenomenal movie. | ||
| You would love it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nick Nolte. | |
| How good is that guy? | ||
| Oh, it's awesome. | ||
| Oh, he's so good in this fucking movie. | ||
| You know what he's amazing in? | ||
| It wasn't even a good movie, but that movie Warrior. | ||
| You ever see that movie Warrior? | ||
| Oh, yeah, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love Nick Nolte. | ||
| He's so good in that movie. | ||
| He's so fucking good. | ||
| So good. | ||
| The movie wasn't that good. | ||
| It was flawed. | ||
| Yeah, but he's good. | ||
| You know Brian Callum's in that movie? | ||
| Mm-mm. | ||
| He played me. | ||
| Mm. | ||
| Literally did my role in the UFC in that movie. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's the announcer. | ||
| And modeled me. | ||
| He was telling me. | ||
| He was like, I'm just going to do you. | ||
| I'm going to pretend I'm you. | ||
| Except for like the skill and the talent and all that stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, don't say that. | |
| He's gonna listen. | ||
| I'm coming after you, Callan. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| You fight me, Brian. | ||
| Yeah, there he is right there. | ||
| But Nick Nolte's in that fucking movie. | ||
| Nick Nolte plays the dad of one of the guys that's fighting. | ||
| And there he is. | ||
| Dude, look at that. | ||
| I ran into him once, man, at Fry's. | ||
| I was so happy that he knew my name. | ||
| Because he used to date Vicky Lewis, who was a friend of mine. | ||
| She was on news radio. | ||
| Very talented girl. | ||
| That girl's extremely talented. | ||
| She's young, huh? | ||
| Vicky? | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| Compared to him, though? | ||
| Compared to him. | ||
| That was a big age gap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was a big age gap. | ||
| But... | ||
| So I knew him from the set. | ||
| He'd come to the set and hang out. | ||
| And I'm in Fry's, and he's got his reading glasses on. | ||
| And I said, hey, Nick, what's up? | ||
| He goes, oh, hey, Joe. | ||
| I'm trying to get a computer for my kid. | ||
| You know anything about these fucking things? | ||
| That's really good. | ||
| Hey, Joe. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| It's like, I'm talking to Nick Nolte. | ||
| Should I get a Mac? | ||
| I was only like 27, and I was still confused. | ||
| I was still like, I can't believe I'm really talking to Nick Nolte. | ||
| Shining up right now with Nolte. | ||
| Is this real? | ||
| Is this real? | ||
| We're at Fry's together? | ||
| We're at Fry's, yeah! | ||
| Hey man, Nick needs electronics too. | ||
| That was during my Quake days, when I was addicted to Quake, and I'd make my own computers. | ||
| You did all that shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh dude, I used to build them. | |
| Did you have like 15 screens and all that shit, like everyone does that? | ||
| Yeah, I had a room in my house where I had a conference table, and it was lined up with computer monitors and computers. | ||
| I used to build computers, man. | ||
| But you don't play any games anymore. | ||
| Well, we're going to. | ||
| When we set up? | ||
| We just got these Origin PCs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| We got a LAN room set up. | ||
| Local area network room. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Oh, shit, son. | ||
| You gonna play people all over the world? | ||
| The addiction's about to get fired up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know what, man? | ||
| Now that we have the studio... | ||
| There's so much room here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And my kids come here and play, too. | ||
| You know? | ||
| There's plenty of stuff to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's lots of... | ||
| So I'm just gonna fucking put some games on for them. | ||
| Put some games on for me. | ||
| Yeah, that works. | ||
| I never got into it for some reason. | ||
| Video games, like, I loved them when I was a kid, and then there was this weird cutoff... | ||
| It's called growing up. | ||
| Nah, but so many people still play. | ||
| Yeah, the non-grown-ups. | ||
| Those non-growing up guys. | ||
| But I wish I could play. | ||
| Look at Jamie. | ||
| Look at him over there. | ||
| He's like a big sweet kid. | ||
| Ultimate Warrior shirt. | ||
| Yeah, he's wearing an Ultimate Warrior shirt. | ||
| He's a fully grown man. | ||
| Chicks love Ultimate Warrior, dude. | ||
| They love guys who play video games, too. | ||
| Yeah, sit inside all day. | ||
| Fuck yeah, dude. | ||
| You want to go somewhere? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Just button out. | ||
| I want to get pale. | ||
| More pale. | ||
| I want a paler. | ||
| I want to be paler. | ||
| Jamie the paler. | ||
| You know what scares the shit out of me though? | ||
| It's those multi-roleplayer, what is it? | ||
| Multi, those giant roleplayer games? | ||
| World of Warcraft. | ||
| What do they call them? | ||
| Yeah, but what's the name of them? | ||
| Massively multi, massive multi-online roleplaying game. | ||
| Is that what Fortnite is? | ||
| No. | ||
| I sound like a fucking dad. | ||
| Don't laugh at me. | ||
| Fortnite is a shooter. | ||
| It's a third person? | ||
| You're a third person? | ||
| Yeah, that's third person. | ||
| But aren't you with a massive community of people? | ||
| A hundred people, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's fucking... | ||
| Oh, there's a hundred people in the game with you? | ||
| That's a lot, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's a deathmatch, a quake deathmatch. | ||
| A lot of times, not really a hundred, but it can be a hundred. | ||
| A hundred seems like absurd. | ||
| How many people are on your squad, on your team? | ||
| Up to four. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Unless you're playing a 50 on 50 match, which is like a special... | ||
| Is it random assignments of teams, or you go in picking your teams? | ||
| You go in with your own team. | ||
| Or you actually can go in random, too. | ||
| You can do everything you want. | ||
| God, I can't wait to hear the comments on this video about, how does you not know about Fortnite, dude? | ||
| People get so mad. | ||
| They get so mad we know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What a fucking idiot. | |
| You fucking idiot. | ||
| I see so many references online to it, and I know what it is, but I have no idea what it is. | ||
| I remember when people would call you a noob, and they'd use two zeros. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A noob. | |
| For O's, yeah. | ||
| Noob. | ||
| Fucking noob. | ||
| That still goes on. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| Noob still goes on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Noob shit? | |
| Like today, maybe even right now, there's two million dollar tournaments going on. | ||
| There's one, I think they're both for charity today, but one for Fortnite, and then another one, another game that's just like it called PUBG, which we've talked about before. | ||
| Two million bucks? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How long do they have to play? | ||
| It might be like a two or three hour tournament. | ||
| That's fucking unreal. | ||
| There's so much money in video games now. | ||
| Parents used to tell their kids to not play video games. | ||
| Like, don't be a loser. | ||
| And they still have that shit in their head. | ||
| But there's more money in it than most games. | ||
| People make careers out of them. | ||
| What if they're a tennis player? | ||
| Oh, Bobby's a pro tennis player. | ||
| Bobby might blow his fucking ankles out. | ||
| Timmy over there is making a billion dollars playing Fortnite. | ||
| All he has to do is move his hands. | ||
| This all day. | ||
| I knew a guy that did that. | ||
| A friend of my old, my first roommate in LA. He was like a professional online gamer. | ||
| And I thought, I was like, what? | ||
| That dude Fatality reached out to us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jonathan Wendell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fatality. | |
| I'm gonna try to get him on. | ||
| I forgot. | ||
| He's still playing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was the greatest Quake player. | ||
| Or one of, it's hard to say the greatest. | ||
| Because there was a few of those guys, but he was one of them. | ||
| How old is he now? | ||
| Probably in his late 30s. | ||
| Something like that, yeah. | ||
| That sounds right. | ||
| What is he doing? | ||
| I want to know what they do when they quit all that shit. | ||
| Just breathe. | ||
| Just chilling. | ||
| Just trying to figure out how to deal with all the radiation they've been absorbing. | ||
| He's working at Fry's. | ||
| Stand in front of that computer screen. | ||
| Hi, Joe. | ||
| All your cells are mutated. | ||
| I think some of them are smart enough now that they realize how quick the rise is and how quick the fall might be that they're just sort of banking money and just riding it out to see how long it goes. | ||
| Yeah, but it's kind of like how in golf you only get paid paid if you win. | ||
| Not a lot of those guys can bank all that money, right? | ||
| They still got to have something to do after it's done. | ||
| The best of the best bank, but the high majority of you guys are just making a living. | ||
| The way it's different, though, they don't have to pay a coach. | ||
| They're just at home and in some cases their parents' house still. | ||
| Most cases, right? | ||
| And they might just buy their parents' a new house. | ||
| That might be their goal. | ||
| They buy their parents' house and kick them the fuck out? | ||
| Yeah, that's happening. | ||
| Yeah, buy their parents' house. | ||
| Yeah, you remember when you were yelling at me? | ||
| Get the fuck out, Mike. | ||
| Playing video games, Mike? | ||
| Get the fuck out and take Karen with you. | ||
| Pack her shit up, too. | ||
| Karen! | ||
| Ryan's kicking us out! | ||
| Yeah, get the fuck out. | ||
| You should have been so mean to him. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| The mom's bitching at him. | ||
| I didn't fucking know. | ||
| He could have bought us this house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're nice, Tom. | |
| Well, toughening him up is why he became such a good player. | ||
| That's why he's a fucking man. | ||
| Parents do that when they're fucking assholes. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They take credit for it. | ||
| I did that. | ||
| Hey, I toughened you up, and that's why you like this. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Did you see I, Tonya? | ||
| No, I didn't and I can't. | ||
| Dude, but that's what that is. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Her mom was... | ||
| You saw that shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Her mom was fucking atrocious to her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| And then every time she got something, she's like, you know why that is. | ||
| Because I made you that way. | ||
| So she mind-fucked her whole life into being like... | ||
| Even at her... | ||
| Even after the incident. | ||
| Even after the Kerrigan thing. | ||
| She was like, I was always the one that made you the killer. | ||
| That's why we do this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Great. | |
| Oh, she fucked her so... | ||
| I mean, she fucked with her head so deep. | ||
| Do you remember when she was boxing? | ||
| Oh, yeah, man. | ||
| Tonya Harding was boxing? | ||
| They talk about it in that movie. | ||
| She boxed Stanhope. | ||
| She boxed Doug Stanhope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, she did. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I was his coach. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was actually alright. | ||
| She looked alright. | ||
| She's an athlete, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a legit athlete. | ||
| And she bulked up, too. | ||
| I remember. | ||
| And she was doing it because she was trying to cash checks because she lost all her money, man. | ||
| She lost all her money. | ||
| I don't think she made much. | ||
| What do you think she does now? | ||
| They talk about it at the end of the film and I don't remember. | ||
| They tell you where, you know, when they're like in the chyron where they're like, she lives in so-and-so with her new husband and da-da-da. | ||
| She'll never talk to Jeff Cahooley again. | ||
| Who's Jeff Cahooley? | ||
| The guy. | ||
| Her boyfriend. | ||
| The one that was like the... | ||
| The one that had Nancy Kerrigan's legs whacked? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He is the kingpin. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's a dark thing to do, man. | ||
| To have some fucking Dumbo. | ||
| And the way they describe it in the movie, it's even funnier. | ||
| That the guys he hires are fucking brain dead. | ||
| They're fucking brain dead, dudes. | ||
| Imagine thinking there's nothing going to go wrong with that plan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This plan's going to go off flawlessly. | ||
| They claim in the movie and in their story, I think, to the courts was always they were supposed to threaten her. | ||
| And these two Dumbos went up there and they were like, yeah, we'll threaten her. | ||
| And they were like, no, no, threaten her. | ||
| And they're like, we'll threaten her. | ||
| They fucking chose up with a police baton. | ||
| Do you believe that? | ||
| No, dude. | ||
| No chance. | ||
| No chance. | ||
| You know what I believe? | ||
| If I'm going to believe that guy's side, I bet he said, go up there and scare her and do what you need to do. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I bet he left it vague and was like, these fucking idiots will figure it out. | ||
| I bet they were on meth and they were all going, yeah, fucking break her fucking kneecaps. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Break her fucking legs. | |
| Yeah, they're all just geeking out going, dude, you know what fucking skaters need? | ||
| Knees. | ||
| Well, fuck up her knees. | ||
| And they're just like, yeah. | ||
| Speaking of meth, did you see the video of that guy who drove into the parking lot of the comedy store and smashed into a car and almost hit one of the guys that was there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| When was this? | ||
| Real recently. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Some fucking dude tweaked out of his mind, came driving through the back of the parking lot in the store during the day. | ||
| Slammed into a car. | ||
| Slammed into one of the employee's cars that was parked back there. | ||
| They got security camera footage of it. | ||
| Guys are jumping out of the way. | ||
| This guy's just like completely out of his mind. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Turns out the guy years ago killed a kid driving. | ||
| Yeah, slammed his car into some fucking kid and killed him, like a young girl. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| And then, many years later, is still driving fucked up. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tried to back out, tried to get out of there. | ||
| Got stuck. | ||
| They grabbed him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| This is the guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, man. | |
| This is the guy. | ||
| Arrested after vehicle collision at the Comedy Store. | ||
| Yeah, that guy killed a kid driving and he's still doing it. | ||
| So he was peeling off a sunset and smashed into the Comedy Store? | ||
| He was out of his mind, man. | ||
| Out of his mind. | ||
| Came in sideways. | ||
| Went around the corner, went through the driveway, went around the corner to the lot, and came in, like, literally turned sideways and slammed into a car. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Drugs, dude. | ||
| The wrong kind of drugs. | ||
| Who knows what kind of pills that fucking asshole's on? | ||
| But that same guy had killed a kid. | ||
| Still driving like that. | ||
| Pumping. | ||
| Imagine you kill a kid driving fucked up, you get out of jail, and then you're still doing it. | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck? | ||
| He's not even that old. | ||
| You look at him. | ||
| Yeah, he looked like a kid. | ||
| He looked young. | ||
| Here's the thing, man. | ||
| Somebody made that kid. | ||
| Somebody made that kid. | ||
| Somebody fucked somebody, and the man and the woman got together. | ||
| They got pregnant. | ||
| The girl got pregnant. | ||
| They gave birth, raised that kid, and this is what you got. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What a bad deal. | ||
| But you can't tell me that that's not part of their fault, too. | ||
| There's got to be some shit that they fucking did to that kid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| There's got to be something. | ||
| I mean, that's a collective effort. | ||
| You get someone that's that fucking stupid, and that's... | ||
| You know, you kill a kid and you don't learn? | ||
| Like, that's not enough of a lesson? | ||
| You're still driving fucked up? | ||
| How did Caitlyn Jenner get away with killing that dude? | ||
| What was the... | ||
| Turn into a woman? | ||
| That was the best. | ||
| Just slice off your dick? | ||
| That's it! | ||
| If you're dickless, they can't get you. | ||
| It's... | ||
| You know what it... | ||
| You know what it is, man? | ||
| In this day and age, it's like she entered into this category of the most marginalized group in America currently, which is transgender people. | ||
| And by doing that, by becoming a transgender person, that became the entire focus of the nation. | ||
| She got exonerated for all these things, though. | ||
| It's so strange. | ||
| She wasn't paying attention and she slammed into the back. | ||
| Oh, we could say he because it was still a he at the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it was him. | |
| Bruce Jenner. | ||
| He slammed into the back of this person's car. | ||
| It was a dude, right? | ||
| It was a single dude. | ||
| A woman. | ||
| Oh, it was a woman. | ||
| A woman. | ||
| An old lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Slammed into an old lady and pushed her into traffic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Then they hit a car with a family of five, remember? | ||
| I was telling you the other day. | ||
| Two kids and a grandma in the back. | ||
| Did they live? | ||
| They lived, but the grandma sued because she broke her hip and pelvis or something like that. | ||
| She's a 79-year-old woman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a fucked up story. | ||
| And it was almost like it just disappeared. | ||
| The crazy thing is, Caitlin doesn't even address it like it's some horrific moment in her life. | ||
| No. | ||
| Completely irresponsible. | ||
| But it shows you the type of person. | ||
| Do you ever see Kyle Dunnigan's thing on it? | ||
| Hey, girl! | ||
| It's the funniest. | ||
| But have you ever seen the one he did on that? | ||
| No. | ||
| On Caitlyn Jenner? | ||
| See if you can find it. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Where he's driving and he's like, I just fucking hit somebody. | ||
| Yeah, Bruce fucked up and he killed that lady. | ||
| But now Caitlyn's got a clean record. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, baby. | |
| Yeah, baby. | ||
| Dude, Dunnegan, that is such a fucking hysterical character that he does on his Instagram. | ||
| Every day I watch that shit. | ||
| Yeah, here it is. | ||
| Play it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just got my driver's license back, baby. | |
| Bruce fucked me when he killed that lady with his car, but now Caitlyn's got a clean record, baby. | ||
| I'm a much better driver than Bruce, I'll have you now, so don't be afraid to hit the streets, He's such an odd guy. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| He's very, very funny. | ||
| That's where that comes from, man. | ||
| There's beauty in that. | ||
| That oddity. | ||
| Oh, I love that. | ||
| But he found his groove. | ||
| His groove is Instagram with face swap. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| It's brilliant. | ||
| He's got the funniest Instagram page by far. | ||
| Dude, when he fucks with his mom, it makes me, it kills me. | ||
| Have you seen him do that? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| When he's doing Craig, he's like, guess what? | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| You can tell she's so fucking, she's on the phone, like on a business call. | ||
| And she's like, I'm on the phone! | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| He keeps bugging her. | ||
| It's so funny, man. | ||
| Chicken butt. | ||
| That Craig character. | ||
| You know people are mad at him for that Craig character? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| What the fuck's new? | ||
| Because he's being an ableist. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my fucking god. | |
| You're being an ableist. | ||
| You're being an ableist. | ||
| I passed by Chick-fil-A. There's a new Chick-fil-A near me this morning. | ||
| The vegans were protesting. | ||
| Oh wait, this is him destroying his mother's painting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How about a Hamburglar? | |
| Color the Hamburglar in nice, yeah? | ||
| I'm just gonna put a t-shirt in the dinosaur in case it's cold outside. | ||
| Hello? | ||
| What are you doing, hon? | ||
| I'm just fixing the painting. | ||
| The painting? | ||
| The one that doesn't make any sense. | ||
| My $40,000 painting? | ||
| You haven't even seen it yet. | ||
| Maybe you'll like it better. | ||
| No, I won't like it better. | ||
| I'm putting a chitchat at the bottom with a smokestack. | ||
| What? | ||
| If this is true, you are in so much... | ||
| I'm just gonna cut out the Cookie Monster. | ||
| Hopefully, it'll look pretty much the same. | ||
| Alright, guys. | ||
| Stay after us. | ||
| Stay in school. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stamp, drugs, stay in school! | |
| I wish it had in every podcast to hear that. | ||
| Stamp, drugs, stay in school. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Dude, that kills me. | ||
| Every fucking time. | ||
| Oh, he's so funny, man. | ||
| Every time he posts something with that Craig character, fuck, it rips me up. | ||
| But it's funny how he found this niche and this new thing of face swap... | ||
| With, you know, characters. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| Well, it's perfect because his impressions are so good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, dude. | |
| They're so fucking good. | ||
| His Bill Maher is insane. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It's, like, creepy. | ||
| When you see it, you're like, that's Bill Maher behind the face swap doing the voice. | ||
| When he does the Kim and Kanye talking to each other with Caitlyn. | ||
| It's brilliant, man. | ||
| He found the perfect groove. | ||
| I love the fact that there's this new thing that people can do. | ||
| This face swap thing is a completely new way of doing sketches. | ||
| Making characters. | ||
| Yeah, it's wild. | ||
| It's almost funnier because you know that he's behind it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like you're in on it, so you know, but yet it's so good. | ||
| Like when he does like Kim and Kanye. | ||
| Dad. | ||
| Dad. | ||
| I'm lost in my house. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Look around you. | ||
| What do you see? | ||
| There's a washing machine. | ||
| It is a weird white box. | ||
| What is that white box? | ||
| She opens it up. | ||
| It's so perfect, this clueless family that's so wealthy that they're completely detached from laundry machines. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| What is that white box? | ||
| Who we mad at now? | ||
| I just love that this, like, technology's created, like, there's a bunch of YouTube people that do that. | ||
| They're doing, like, these weird YouTube videos. | ||
| Yeah, there's so many people doing it now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's like, he's found, like, a real, specifically funny niche, because he's real to the characters. | ||
| Like, a lot of times people are throwing characters together in sketches, and they're just kind of so cheaply done, and they don't have any, like... | ||
| They don't mean comedic bass. | ||
| They're just like, weird to be fucking goofy! | ||
| And it's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You gotta have some kind of bass, man. | ||
| There's a few people that do it right. | ||
| My kid loves this lady, Miranda Sings. | ||
| Do you know who that is? | ||
| She's got this show called... | ||
| Fuck, what is her name? | ||
| Show picture. | ||
| Miranda Sings? | ||
| Yeah, I think that's her name. | ||
| Isn't that her name? | ||
| What does she do? | ||
| I tried to get her on the podcast. | ||
| Did not respond at all. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| I tried to do it just for my daughter. | ||
| She's so into this lady's show. | ||
| But it's a show that's not for kids. | ||
| Yeah, that's her. | ||
| It's a weird show. | ||
| Like this show, I'm like, I don't know if you should be watching this. | ||
| She had a Netflix show. | ||
| Yeah, is it over? | ||
| Did they cancel it? | ||
| I don't know if it was a movie or a show, actually. | ||
| I might be wrong. | ||
| My fucking kid loved that show, and I was watching it with her. | ||
| Click on the movie one. | ||
| Yeah, what is that? | ||
| Haters Back Off? | ||
| Yeah, that's what it's called. | ||
| Haters Back Off. | ||
| Is that a movie or a show? | ||
| It's a show. | ||
| Yeah, play the trailer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Last time you got laughed at, then humiliated, then your whole family left you. | ||
| I'm sure this time, I'm sure you'll be fine. | ||
| Miranda, right now you're just a boring, famous person. | ||
| We need to get you to Broadway. | ||
| He's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's where legends are born. | |
| Legends? | ||
| I thought legends weren't real now. | ||
| Like mermaids, leprechauns, zebras, Canadians. | ||
| Legends more better than real. | ||
| So my daughter, who's eight, will do an impression. | ||
| I thought mermaids were real! | ||
| So, like, she does that voice. | ||
| That voice that she does, yeah. | ||
| But it's a show, like, it's almost like a Tim and Eric type show. | ||
| It's not really a show for eight-year-olds. | ||
| It's just a mindfuck show. | ||
| Yeah, so I'm, like, letting her watch it, and I'm like, I don't even think you should be watching this. | ||
| But then again, she lives with me. | ||
| Yeah, no shit. | ||
| I was just going to say, what did you watch that you knew you shouldn't have been watching when you were a kid, too? | ||
| I tried to not swear for the first five years of their life, and then I'm like... | ||
| Impossible. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Impossible. | ||
| My wife would get mad. | ||
| I'm like, what, are they going to learn about something early? | ||
| Who knows the shit? | ||
| I'm nice. | ||
| So occasionally I say shit or fuck. | ||
| What's the big deal? | ||
| I don't say, like, I'm gonna fuck you to my wife. | ||
| I'm gonna fuck you, lady. | ||
| I don't say that. | ||
| In front of your kids are eating dinner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm gonna fuck you, lady. | |
| Tonight, I'm fucking you, mom. | ||
| You guys, your mom, fucking her. | ||
| Hey, get how I made you. | ||
| Two spaghettis. | ||
| You're upset? | ||
| That's how I fucking made you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's where you came from, my dick. | ||
| There was a moment when my daughter was three. | ||
| We were skiing. | ||
| And we packed up all the stuff. | ||
| We're getting ready to leave, but we didn't pack up her helmet. | ||
| And so we got all the stuff packed. | ||
| We got everything. | ||
| Got everything. | ||
| The helmet. | ||
| I go, we haven't packed the helmet. | ||
| And my three-year-old daughter looks at the helmet, looks at her bag, and goes, shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's great, though. | |
| But there's a moment where we're like, oh, no! | ||
| And we're laughing, but we try not to look at it. | ||
| We're like, oh... | ||
| Like, turn it away laughing. | ||
| Listen, it's all... | ||
| Like, those videos on the internet are always funny when there's a kid trying to say duck. | ||
| And they're like, what is it? | ||
| He's like, da fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Da fuck? | |
| And you're like, it's funny. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| The parent can't not laugh when he's like, fuck, da fuck? | ||
| And they're like, yeah, that's the duck. | ||
| Segura told me he, like, tried to kiss his son, his three-year-old. | ||
| And he's like, he goes, you, like, give daddy a kiss. | ||
| And he says, like, no, no, no, push. | ||
| He pushes him away, but as he pushes him away, he says, push. | ||
| No, no, no, push. | ||
| Push. | ||
| Push. | ||
| Uh-uh, push. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Push. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kissing me. | |
| Push. | ||
| Get away from me, homo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Push. | |
| Stop trying to kiss me, fag dad. | ||
| Push. | ||
| Push. | ||
| When are you going to make little Santinos? | ||
| Trying, man. | ||
| Are you shooting some loads in there? | ||
| Yeah, pumping. | ||
| Pump. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Why not? | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Live ones. | |
| Live rounds. | ||
| Yeah, live rounds. | ||
| Are you guys doing the thing where you're like checking the ovulation? | ||
| Kinda. | ||
| The calendar shit is so, that's such a weird thing too. | ||
| I think it's a mental thing as well that gets in the way. | ||
| Just banger every night. | ||
| Pump. | ||
| Just banger every night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let the fucking chips fall where they may. | ||
| True. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| You know what you gotta do? | ||
| Eat mixed nuts. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| Nuts make your nuts grow. | ||
| Nuts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking Dr. Rhonda Patrick posted something on her Twitter page the other day about it. | ||
| She was like, just eat fucking nuts help sperm production. | ||
| She didn't say it that way. | ||
| She was like, scientific times. | ||
| She's like, yo, bro, fucking nuts? | ||
| Help out your fucking jizz flow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is what you want. | |
| You want jizz? | ||
| You gotta eat a lot of nuts. | ||
| But apparently, if you eat a certain amount of grams of... | ||
| see if you can find the tweet. | ||
| A certain percentage helps you out. | ||
| Certain, like, quantity of mixed nuts makes your balls grow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Literally makes your sperm increase. | ||
| What makes your balls shrink? | ||
| There's got to be a food that does the opposite. | ||
| Steroids. | ||
| Yeah, I stopped eating those years ago. | ||
| It makes your balls shrink because your balls aren't making any testosterone anymore. | ||
| I asked the doctor and he said that it doesn't reduce the amount of semen you produce. | ||
| It makes your physical nuts smaller. | ||
| That's what your doctor said? | ||
| Yeah, because I asked him about it. | ||
| You need to go to a different doctor. | ||
| Yeah, I met him in Trader Joe's parking lot. | ||
| He was a good doctor. | ||
| He had like one of those fucking little stands. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is why your nuts are small. | ||
| I showed him my nuts. | ||
| I let him hold them. | ||
| He had to inspect them. | ||
| I put gloves on. | ||
| Put them in my mouth and I'll tell you what's wrong with your nuts. | ||
| You ever have a girl that put your nuts in her mouth and hum? | ||
| And hum? | ||
| Like a monk. | ||
| Makes your brain shut off. | ||
| She put a didgeridoo on my nuts. | ||
| Like a Buddhist monk. | ||
| The nut monks. | ||
| That would make you feel weird because it's such a deep sound. | ||
| You'd be like, why am I coming to this deep sound? | ||
| No! | ||
| And then you get an imprint. | ||
| Like, deep sound coming noises. | ||
| Like, you've been talking, baby. | ||
| Then it's Pavlovian. | ||
| Can you make some noise for me? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Deeper. | ||
| I want you to go deep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Make it deeper. | |
| What the fuck do you mean? | ||
| Like a dude. | ||
| Sound like a dude. | ||
| Like a dog. | ||
| Then you shoot the hardest loads. | ||
| Men that supplemented their diet with 60 grams of mixed nuts daily for 14 weeks increased their sperm count by 16%. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Sperm vitality by 4% and sperm motility by 6% according to a randomized controlled trial. | ||
| This controlled trial was my husband. | ||
| Yeah, imagine there's a cup and dudes jizzing into it every day for 14 weeks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jizzing into it! | |
| You know how stoked those dudes are? | ||
| What do you got going on this week, man? | ||
| I'm just chizzing in a cup. | ||
| I'm eating mixed nuts and shit. | ||
| It's tight. | ||
| Getting 70 bucks. | ||
| You have to make a deal with this guy in the study. | ||
| You can't come. | ||
| At all. | ||
| Except for the study. | ||
| In the cup. | ||
| Otherwise, we're not going to know. | ||
| Because if you're banging all day, one day, and the next day, you don't do anything, you get a bunch of tired cum. | ||
| Sad, lazy cum? | ||
| Cum comes out different. | ||
| I don't know if anybody knows, but you ever take a few days off of beating off, and then you beat off, and it's like... | ||
| Put a hole in the ceiling. | ||
| It's flying all over the place. | ||
| If I'm jerking off too much... | ||
| Yeah, and it just kind of dribbles out, and you feel like a loser. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Hey! | ||
| I feel very depressed if my cum volume's low. | ||
| Like if I beat off and it's just like... | ||
| Makes you sad. | ||
| Why did I do that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| I find it always depends on how much I build up. | ||
| If I'm building up to it, I get a big one. | ||
| Build up, oh, you edge? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you edge? | |
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Like a fucking pervert? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I didn't know about edging. | ||
| It's fucking awesome. | ||
| Norton had to tell me about it. | ||
| That he edges. | ||
| He'd edge with prostitutes. | ||
| He'd get a prostitute and you'd get right to the point of coming and go, all right, thanks, here's your money. | ||
| Call another one. | ||
| Next! | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| Get another prostitute. | ||
| When was this? | ||
| How long ago? | ||
| Like yesterday. | ||
| No, when was this? | ||
| When was the prostitutes? | ||
| Oh, Norton's like real similar. | ||
| Still? | ||
| Yeah, Norton's an animal, bro. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| He does give a fuck, but he doesn't give a fuck at the same time. | ||
| Secretly, when they leave, yeah, he's bummed the fuck out. | ||
| Yeah, he gets disgusted in himself, but that's what he enjoys. | ||
| I feel like he should be free. | ||
| You know, there's some guy, I was reading something, some guy was doing something, an anti-shame thing. | ||
| It was a doctor, like, fuck shame. | ||
| It was like his... | ||
| Shame is a weird thing. | ||
| There's things that people are ashamed of that we're not ashamed of at all. | ||
| Like sex. | ||
| Like normal sex. | ||
| Say if your wife's walking around the house in a pair of shorts and you grab her ass and she turns around and she smiles at you and the two of you start banging. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| You're married. | ||
| You love each other. | ||
| You're attracted to each other. | ||
| It's all normal. | ||
| But if you lived in a crazy religious household where she's supposed to be dressed like a fucking tablecloth, That would be a real problem. | ||
| She would feel awful. | ||
| She would feel ashamed. | ||
| So it's like, what causes shame? | ||
| Cultural acceptance, right? | ||
| And the building blocks of how you erase, right? | ||
| Some people get shamed from their parents for stuff that they shouldn't feel ashamed about. | ||
| Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, and for Norton, it's like he pays these nice ladies to touch his penis, and that's why they don't have to work at Denny's. | ||
| They still do. | ||
| Yeah, that's their shift. | ||
| That's their break. | ||
| They go on a smoke break and go edge him for an hour and a half and come back. | ||
| Dishwasher hands. | ||
| Kind of like really strong fingerprints. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is a fucking indentation on his cock. | |
| Really strong. | ||
| Like the lines and the fingerprints, they're deeper than normal. | ||
| Yeah, they're grooved. | ||
| All the chemicals, dishwashing all the time. | ||
| Washing all day. | ||
| What does he tell you it costs him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How much money does he spend on hookers? | |
| Well, I don't know. | ||
| He's a wealthy guy, so it's like not a problem. | ||
| That's part of the problem. | ||
| Part of the problem is that it's not a problem. | ||
| He's so successful. | ||
| You know, Jim sells out comedy shows everywhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's got a SiriusXM show. | ||
| He's written books. | ||
| He's got plenty of money for hookers. | ||
| So he's like, fuck it here. | ||
| He's like the most free guy that I know in terms of like talking about his weirdness and his perversion. | ||
| Is he sober? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He has been since he was like really young. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, he had a problem and he got sober I think when he was 19. Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, he's been sober the entire time. | ||
| That's fucking wild. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then everyone's got our vice. | ||
| Yeah, well his vice is- it's a strong one. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| But it's like trannies. | ||
| He's really into trannies. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Whatever the fuck he likes. | ||
| And he says it. | ||
| Like, you're not supposed to say it anymore. | ||
| Like, I just got in trouble. | ||
| Oh, dude, I got fucking lit up for that online. | ||
| I didn't- I was with gay friends at a What I put online, having the most fun at a Mexican tranny bar. | ||
| People lit me the fuck up. | ||
| That's not a word we... | ||
| I was like, okay. | ||
| I was with gay dudes that they joked about it with me. | ||
| I thought it was a... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's a... | ||
| You can say transvestite. | ||
| You can't say tranny. | ||
| Justin Martindale can say whatever he wants. | ||
| He does. | ||
| He can. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he does. | ||
| He says whatever the fuck he wants. | ||
| Because he's a flamboyant gay guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He can get away with it. | ||
| He does. | ||
| He says fucking everything. | ||
| Yeah, but like a flamboyant gay guy could say that and no one would say shit, but a straight white guy from Chicago? | ||
| Done. | ||
| You asshole. | ||
| You piece of shit. | ||
| You fucking asshole. | ||
| Justin Martindale, he yells the N-word all the time. | ||
| Constantly. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| No, he doesn't, but I just wanted to put that out there. | ||
| You should probably tell him to stop. | ||
| I don't think you get that kind of freedom just by being gay. | ||
| But if you were a gay black guy... | ||
| Yeah, then you can. | ||
| Then I think you're good. | ||
| A gay black transgender guy could do whatever he wants. | ||
| With no legs and one eye. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| He's disabled, gay, black, trans... | ||
| You know what's interesting? | ||
| No one, I mean, no one accepts transracial. | ||
| Can't do it. | ||
| No one accepts transracial. | ||
| That is the one thing. | ||
| Like that woman. | ||
| Yeah, Rachel Dolezal. | ||
| That's that one line that we are not willing to cross. | ||
| No fucking way. | ||
| Meanwhile, it is one of the most realistic lines. | ||
| This is why. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| All human beings came from Africa. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| Well, also, race has a lot to do with culture. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| But, I mean, literally all human beings came from Africa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is the cradle of civilization. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, we're all African. | ||
| So, why can't she pretend to be African? | ||
| Why can't you just be it? | ||
| That's really what it is. | ||
| It's not even pretending. | ||
| If you just say, that's what I identify with, I get it. | ||
| That, to me, is like, that's more on the other side of when people say, like, you can't be a gender other than a male or a female. | ||
| And people say, yes, you can. | ||
| And that's accepted. | ||
| But if you said, I identify as Puerto Rican. | ||
| They're like, no fucking way. | ||
| Is there any race that would let you in like that? | ||
| Is there any race that you're like, yeah, come on, you could be Slovenian. | ||
| I feel like redheads are like the, I think I've got a little bit of a pass. | ||
| You should have a pass. | ||
| We have a pass. | ||
| You guys are maligned. | ||
| Yeah, we have a pass. | ||
| Gingers? | ||
| Just kick a ginger day on South Park. | ||
| We're dead. | ||
| We're going to be gone in like 50 years. | ||
| Did you ever think it'd die in your hair? | ||
| No. | ||
| I knew a dude who had red hair used to dye his eyebrows. | ||
| What a fucking weirdo, man. | ||
| That's a weird fucking thing to do. | ||
| Died his hair, dyed his eyebrows, looked different. | ||
| Because he was that sad about having red hair? | ||
| When I was a kid, it bothered me like crazy, and then I got older and I didn't give a fuck. | ||
| And then when you get older, there's some women that like it, that think that's more attractive because it's red. | ||
| Do you feel bad for them? | ||
| Yeah, I think they're dumb. | ||
| They're fucking idiots. | ||
| I know something went wrong. | ||
| It's funny what people like. | ||
| Some people like thick ankles. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like a girl with thick ankles. | ||
| What's your weirdest specific thing that you... | ||
| When you first started getting into chicks and you figured out what your style was, what was the one thing you're like, that's weird and most people don't like that about girls? | ||
| I don't have one of those. | ||
| You don't have any of that shit? | ||
| No. | ||
| Like some guys love cellulite. | ||
| You know, some girls like chunky bitches. | ||
| Young Jamie over there. | ||
| He's like, hey! | ||
| Don't put that evil on me! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's going to have so many DMs from these fat chicks hitting him up. | |
| You get your cellulite pics. | ||
| Do you know there's a new show on Netflix that they're trying to take off the air? | ||
| It's about a girl who used to be fat and then she got skinny and she's getting revenge on everybody. | ||
| What's that called? | ||
| I want to watch. | ||
| How would they take that off? | ||
| That sounds perfect. | ||
| See if you can find it. | ||
| It's some really pretty girl. | ||
| She's going back to all the people that talked shit to her when she was young about being fat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess. | |
| I didn't really pay attention 100%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But people are very angry about it. | ||
| About the premise. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Fat shaming. | ||
| Oh gosh. | ||
| Don't you know about fat shaming? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What is it called? | ||
| That girl, Debbie Ryan. | ||
| Fat-phobic. | ||
| It's a fat...hold on a second. | ||
| Hold on, let me read that. | ||
| Fat-phobic Netflix series supports damaging stereotypes for young women. | ||
| Well listen, I'm gonna tell you guys this really, really clearly. | ||
| If your children are fat, they're eating too much sugar. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Yep, that's a fact. | ||
| Fix that. | ||
| Or try, but don't just call people fat-phobic. | ||
| There's a lot of nonsense that's involved in people's bodies and education, and the big one is what they eat has no bearing on what they look like. | ||
| That is horseshit. | ||
| Yeah, it's bullshit. | ||
| You didn't have giant fat people in the 20s. | ||
| You go back and look at fucking people in the 20s, they were all starving to death. | ||
| They were all skinny, and the bread they ate was different. | ||
| You know what someone fucking told me? | ||
| Jordan Peterson told me this. | ||
| We've got to look this up. | ||
| Emulsifiers. | ||
| Emulsifiers. | ||
| And he was reading something about emulsifiers that are used in fast-rising yeast and in a lot of bread products are responsible for leaky gut. | ||
| And they have an impact on people's sensitivities to gluten. | ||
| And he was saying that emulsifiers are basically like fucking shampoo. | ||
| You know how you have oil in the water? | ||
| You wash some dishes and all that greasy oil, and you pour some dishwashing soap in there in the water. | ||
| He goes, that's in food. | ||
| Like, that's a similar quality. | ||
| And that's what's causing all these, like, gluten allergies and shit? | ||
| There's a bunch of different things that are causing it. | ||
| One of them is the more complex glutens. | ||
| Because it used to be that you would get, like, if you had wheat, you would have... | ||
| It's like old wheat was like a small little sort of grain. | ||
| It was a smaller plant. | ||
| And then they started changing it. | ||
| And as they started changing... | ||
| And selectively breeding it. | ||
| What they started doing is making it thicker and more dense, and that way you get a much higher yield per acre. | ||
| But in doing so, they also made it more difficult for your body to absorb it. | ||
| To process, yeah. | ||
| To process it, yeah. | ||
| But he was saying that it's also, they use this fast-rising yeast And that there's emulsifiers in it, and then emulsifiers are apparently terrible for your body. | ||
| Which makes sense, because you go to fucking Italy, and I know you like to go to Italy, and you eat some of that fucking pasta over there, it doesn't make you feel the same. | ||
| No, it doesn't. | ||
| No, you actually don't feel as thick. | ||
| I feel way thicker, like I feel dumpy when I eat it back home. | ||
| Yeah, I found pasta that I could buy online that's from Italy. | ||
| Fresh-made pasta from there? | ||
| Well, it's not fresh-made, but it tastes better if you feel better when you eat it. | ||
| No, you do, actually. | ||
| I know that sounds like a thing an American traveler would say. | ||
| It's better over there, but it is true. | ||
| And no one's fat. | ||
| No. | ||
| You go over there, they're not fat. | ||
| It's us. | ||
| If there's someone fat, it's an American that's over there. | ||
| Every time I see a fat person, a thousand bucks says they're from the States. | ||
| But they're eating cannolis, they've got tiramisu, they've got spaghetti. | ||
| They eat dessert and have coffee every fucking night. | ||
| Why aren't they fat? | ||
| They live their lifestyle and their food choices. | ||
| Maybe they're just not fat-phobic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe they're yelling at your kids at the goddamn Netflix show. | |
| Fat-phobic. | ||
| Fat-phobic. | ||
| I'm going to purposely have two kids and I'm going to feed one of them very healthy food and the other one I'm just going to have sugary diet and just fatten the fuck out of them. | ||
| Just to show society what's up. | ||
| Dress them like a seal and put them behind a boat in South Africa. | ||
| I'm going to have a rope. | ||
| Yeah, I'll have a rope. | ||
| Did you see the premise of the show? | ||
| Or do you know what the plot, I guess, would be? | ||
| Of the fat show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She used to be fat and then she lost weight, right? | ||
| She got punched in the face and had to get her jaw wired shut. | ||
| That's how she lost the weight. | ||
| Oh my god, that is so fucked up. | ||
| That's kind of fucked up. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Who punched her in the face? | ||
| Her dad. | ||
| For eating cake. | ||
| Stop eating cake! | ||
| You fucking cunt. | ||
| It worked! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| So stupid. | ||
| That's such a stupid premise. | ||
| And then, but she's getting revenge on people that talk shit. | ||
| That's it, right? | ||
| She's going back for vengeance. | ||
| On the people who hurt her. | ||
| So the idea is that girls are going to watch that and they're going to want to get their jaw wired shut. | ||
| They're going to tell their friends to punch them. | ||
| To break their fucking... | ||
| Punch me. | ||
| Hit me with a bat right in my head. | ||
| I'm going to jump off my roof. | ||
| That'd be a Kyle Dunnigan sketch. | ||
| That would be a great Dunnigan sketch. | ||
| Hit me with a bat right in the head. | ||
| Hit me. | ||
| Hit me in the face. | ||
| I don't want to lose weight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| Knock out my fucking teeth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| Summer body. | ||
| But people do lose weight when they get their jaw wired. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, yeah, you eat liquid. | |
| It's because you can only drink at the side of your mouth. | ||
| It was like Kanye when he shattered his, when he got in that car accident, he lost all that weight and he talked about it because he couldn't eat anything. | ||
| And he was so fucked up on painkillers and shit. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No thanks, dude. | ||
| Fuck that shit. | ||
| It's weird how vulnerable your jaw is. | ||
| Feel that. | ||
| Go side to side with your jaw. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It breaks so easy. | ||
| So vulnerable. | ||
| I can't believe more people don't crack their fucking jaw. | ||
| When I was fighting, I was always, my jaw was always sore. | ||
| Like, you'd always get dinged. | ||
| Like, you'd always get inspiring. | ||
| So, like, you'd be chewing and eating like this. | ||
| It was painful. | ||
| Yeah, your jaw was always sore. | ||
| You feel it in your teeth? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do your teeth feel it? | |
| No, you feel it in your, like, where the joint is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta realize your jaw is, in many ways, like your knee. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Like, you know, your knee gets sore. | ||
| So your knee gets sore and it like, ah, it hurts when you do that. | ||
| When you get punched a bunch, your jaw gets sore. | ||
| Like when you're chewing, it hurts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that the worst or is like rib, rib, constant rib punching worse? | ||
| No, the worst is your head. | ||
| Always? | ||
| By far. | ||
| Yeah, by far. | ||
| Because it's scary. | ||
| Like your ribs aren't scary. | ||
| It's like, ah! | ||
| I've had broken ribs. | ||
| Like one of my ribs, like on this side, like sticks out more because it's been cracked. | ||
| It's all fucked up. | ||
| I probably broke. | ||
| At least three ribs. | ||
| Maybe more. | ||
| I think I broke... | ||
| I probably broke at least three. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've definitely had some tears in the cartilage in between the ribs, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| The problem is they don't really do much about it. | ||
| When you get a broken rib, they don't put you in a cast. | ||
| Yeah, you can't do shit. | ||
| They don't really do much about it. | ||
| You're just in fucking agony for a while until it heals up. | ||
| I never broke ribs. | ||
| I don't know if that's painful or not. | ||
| Ribs suck, but you're still okay. | ||
| When your head hurts, you're scared. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I've had three concussions. | ||
| I fucking... | ||
| How'd you get concussions? | ||
| All sports. | ||
| One football, two basketball. | ||
| Basketball? | ||
| Basketball was bad. | ||
| Basketball was twice the same way. | ||
| Did you fall? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Got my legs taken out from under me. | ||
| Both times. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Fell on my neck. | ||
| My mom tells this story. | ||
| My friend, who's now passed away, sadly, he's gone, but he called my mom and was like, Don't freak out. | ||
| But, don't freak out, the first words to a parent, don't freak out! | ||
| Andrew's in the hospital! | ||
| And of course my mom is in full-on, what happened? | ||
|
unidentified
|
My baby! | |
| I got my fucking knees, I went to get a rebound, and on my way down, I just remember seeing the ceiling. | ||
| That's the last thing I remember. | ||
| My legs were right off from under me, and I hit my head so hard on the ground that I bounced up, and everyone playing was like standing around in shock. | ||
| And I was blacking in and out. | ||
| But it was so strange because you don't really know it right away. | ||
| You're like, what's going on? | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| You know, I'm good. | ||
| You think I'm good. | ||
| I'm walking. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| And everybody's like, sit down. | ||
| Are you okay? | ||
| Like, are you fucking? | ||
| You know, you could hear it from outside. | ||
| And then I sat down. | ||
| They had the EMTs come. | ||
| And I remember like clear as day when the EMT fucking grabbed my hand and he started to walk and I go, I'm going to fall down and pass out. | ||
| I said, I don't feel good. | ||
| I'm not going to go to black. | ||
| And I remember I threw up. | ||
| I barfed everywhere all over this. | ||
| I puked and then I woke up again in the hospital. | ||
| That was bad. | ||
| That was the worst one I ever had. | ||
| I bruised all these vertebrae and the doctor kept saying how it was inches of pressure away from cracking, from breaking my fucking neck. | ||
| Because all of my weight went one way. | ||
| That was bad. | ||
| Football was bad. | ||
| Football was helmet to helmet shit. | ||
| That shit sucks. | ||
| I was kicking the ball because our kicker was hurt. | ||
| And the kid over-snapped it, went right over my head. | ||
| I went and grabbed it. | ||
| As soon as I turned around, I got fucking whopped. | ||
| And then a guy on the sideline goes, You got your bell rung, boy! | ||
| I mean, I got fucking... | ||
| I mean, everyone was like, Whoa! | ||
| They were loving it. | ||
| I got fucking smoked! | ||
| I got smoked! | ||
| I look like a fucking rag doll, I'm sure. | ||
| It's a weird thing when people cheer when someone gets gravely injured. | ||
| Oh yeah, people love it. | ||
| Because the force of it is like, oh shit! | ||
| It looks incredible to see. | ||
| I mean, but think about fights. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, when someone gets head kicked, boom! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| It's fucking insane. | ||
| You can't believe you're watching it. | ||
| That's why the human emotion of like, oh, that guy could be fucking dead soon. | ||
| One of the most disturbing ones I ever saw was Francis Ngannou knocked out Alistair Overeem with this fucking left hook-uppercut combination that sent his head, like literally he was like looking at his asshole. | ||
| It snapped his head back so far, it was fucking horrific, and he literally flatlined. | ||
| Yeah, it just flatlined, like legs spread out, toes curled, one punch, and it was so powerful and so horrific that I was like... | ||
| Yeah, you can't help but go... | ||
| Yeah, but people are cheering for someone getting horribly injured. | ||
| Well, I had a moment at UFC 225, that's what it was in Chicago. | ||
| I had a moment where I'm sitting on the floor and I was looking around and Tony and I were, you know, it was between fights and Tony goes, this is fucking awesome, man. | ||
| And I go, it is. | ||
| And as I'm looking around, it like soaked for a second in me that I was like, This is so historic in nature of people gathering to watch people fight. | ||
| It brought me to this weird place of like, isn't this insane to think that all these humans are just coming to watch these two athletes just grapple at one another? | ||
| It was interesting because other sporting events didn't hit me like that. | ||
| Remember when you were a kid and the kids would decide, we're going to fight after school? | ||
| Everyone wants to watch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Everybody gathered around. | ||
| It was way more exciting than what was going on in those stupid classrooms. | ||
| There was a little area in my high school that people fought at. | ||
| This little secret garden. | ||
| It was like a place that you could get to. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And people loved it, dude. | ||
| They set up fights. | ||
| Two dudes fought over this one girl. | ||
| They were both fucking. | ||
| And she was there. | ||
| That was even more fucking brutal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Who won? | ||
| The kid that they thought was going to win. | ||
| I mean, he was just a tougher kid. | ||
| But it was the middle of winter, I'll never forget. | ||
| And he had really bad acne. | ||
| And the other kid, every time he landed a punch, you would see the redness get worse in his acne and the blood start coming out of his face. | ||
| Oh, and zit blood. | ||
| It's rough. | ||
| It was the fight. | ||
| It was called Zit Blood 1. Zit Blood 1. That's the fucking fighting over a girl. | ||
| Not only do you lose the girl, but you also get your ass kicked. | ||
| And she was there, which was even more fucking brash. | ||
| That's how girls are such assholes. | ||
| She stood there and watched these two dickheads fight over her shit. | ||
| Did she say, don't, stop, stop it. | ||
| Cut it out, guys, please. | ||
| Was she? | ||
| No, she didn't say shit. | ||
| She stood there and watched it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, pussies! | |
| Who wants them? | ||
| You want to really fuck this pussy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on! | |
| Yeah, she did the triangle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on! | |
| You want this? | ||
| You want this? | ||
| Yeah, she watched him do it. | ||
| And the whole fucking school watched it. | ||
| And then somebody... | ||
| It probably wasn't that fight, but one fight I remember somebody taped. | ||
| And tapes were getting passed around. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| But this is what's fucked about these school rule things. | ||
| Like, athletes, we always had this guilty by association shit. | ||
| If you're there, you get suspended. | ||
| Even if you had nothing to do with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Athlete code of conduct. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| So if I'm at a party and it gets busted up by the cops... | ||
| And I don't have alcohol or drugs on me or nothing, but I'm at that party, and it gets back to the school and the coach years, I get suspended from whatever. | ||
| Oh, speaking of which, Burr sent me this. | ||
| What? | ||
| There's a code of conduct at Netflix. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like an internal thing? | ||
| No, I'm sorry. | ||
| At Just For Laughs, rather. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just For Laughs. | ||
| I'm going to send you this, young Jamie. | ||
| Netflix has a... | ||
| Why do I keep saying Netflix? | ||
| Just For Laughs. | ||
| Montreal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Has a code of conduct. | ||
| They post it everywhere, I'm sure. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| For artists or for people? | ||
| It's got to be for artists. | ||
| For the comics. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Here. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| I sent it to you, Jamie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A code of conduct. | ||
| How to behave. | ||
| For comics! | ||
| For adults. | ||
| Grown people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Listen, you sell what fucked up people make. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Okay? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But we're gonna tell you there's a code. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Can you make that bigger? | ||
| In order to accomplish our purpose, the Just for Laughs festival must be exempt of abuse, inappropriate, or vexatious. | ||
| I've never read that before. | ||
| Have you ever read that word before? | ||
| To vex somebody? | ||
| Vexatious behaviors. | ||
| Everyone participating in the Just for Laughs festival must treat artists, festival goers, and employees with equality, respect, and dignity, no matter the gender, sexual identity, sexual orientation, disability, physical appearance, race, or religion. | ||
| I hope they left one out. | ||
| Yeah, what about cognitive function? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It sounds like you can pick on really stupid people still. | ||
| JFL adopts a zero-tolerance policy on harassment in all its forms, whether it is verbal comments, actions, or gestures that are repeated and hostile, that affect a person's dignity or psychological or physical integrity. | ||
| Oh, so you can't talk shit anymore. | ||
| No talking shit. | ||
| What do we do when we're hanging around? | ||
| We talk shit. | ||
| That's the whole thing. | ||
| You've been harassing me. | ||
| You've been vexatious with me, sir. | ||
| Nothing in this policy should be interpreted as a barrier to artistic freedom. | ||
| Too late. | ||
| Les Herondes. | ||
| They had to put a French word in that motherfucker. | ||
| Intervention teams and security squads. | ||
| What? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Intervention teams and security squads of specialized responders with the mission of increasing the safety of women and vulnerable persons during the outdoor events will be on the street festival site every day between 7 and 11. So if you want to molest, here's your hours. | ||
| After 11, up to 7... | ||
| They'll be wearing pink armbands and luminous bracelets for better visibility in the dark. | ||
| They will also have a tent located on Place des Festivals of Rue, Balmore, between Balmore and Balmoulins. | ||
| God, French is awesome. | ||
| What were the streets? | ||
| What were the streets? | ||
| They're trying to remember in a moment. | ||
| We can't molest on these streets, boys, so branch out. | ||
| We're going to go into the forest, to the suburbs. | ||
| No molesting on rue St. Catherine. | ||
| In addition, if you are the victim of a witness, a prohibited act. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, what's a prohibited act? | ||
| Anything listed above, Joe. | ||
| It seems like everything. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| Zero conduct. | ||
| Email them. | ||
| I mean, I'm all for no rape, no touching, no harassment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| I'm all for that. | ||
| But it seems like they are just covering their ass. | ||
| Let's go back up to that, what you can't do again. | ||
| I want to know what vexatious is. | ||
| What's vexatious? | ||
| Inappropriate. | ||
| Abusive, inappropriate. | ||
| Or vexatious. | ||
| Vexatious behavior. | ||
| But everything we do is inappropriate. | ||
| Yeah, the idea of what we do for a living is inappropriate. | ||
| That whole back alley where everybody goes and smokes, that's an inappropriate zone. | ||
| Every single time. | ||
| Every time you go back there, people are just saying ridiculous shit. | ||
| Cause annoyance, frustration, or worry. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Who was the thesaurus holder that pulled that fucking bad boy out? | ||
| Have you heard that word before? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I don't think so. | |
| Never heard that word before. | ||
| This is them covering up their shit. | ||
| This is them being so overtly cautious because whatever insurance they've got on fucking whatever is like, you have to give fair warning that we have security for this, this and this. | ||
| What's amazing is, think about how long it's been going on where they didn't have that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was in Just for Laughs in 93. What was your first year in Just for JFL? 93. 93 was your first year, yeah. | |
| 93. Yeah. | ||
| So how the fuck? | ||
| 93. But they're pulling this out now. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it's been around for forever. | ||
| But I also love that it said on it that you have to immediately email... | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| We'll get back to you. | ||
| You get molested. | ||
| You got an email. | ||
| Your pussy still hurts. | ||
| Someone grabbing it. | ||
| You fucking assholes. | ||
| Got an email now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| You know what? | ||
| I'm gonna fucking send this in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You got an ice... | ||
| Zero tolerance at... | ||
| Ha ha ha. | ||
| Ha ha. | ||
| Hey, if you get physically abused, the email you have to email is ha-ha-ha. | ||
| We probably shouldn't put that email online. | ||
| Too late. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Listen, don't get us wrong, folks. | ||
| That's public. | ||
| That's public. | ||
| Yeah, it's public. | ||
| Don't get us wrong. | ||
| But this is really public. | ||
| Oh, well, you know. | ||
| You get what you get what you get? | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, look, we're not pro-harassment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck, no. | |
| Don't get us wrong. | ||
| But this just seems like a little over the top. | ||
| But see, this in some semblance of irony, this is harassing. | ||
| It's just like poking the bear at people to be like, these are all the things you can't do. | ||
| All it's doing is like stirring people to go, I wasn't going to do any of that shit anyway. | ||
| Why are you fucking... | ||
| Why are you employing people to walk around in armbands... | ||
| To make sure I'm not doing a thing that I was never gonna do. | ||
| Was it an issue? | ||
| If it was a huge issue, then I'd like to know. | ||
| Well, drunken comedians can be gross. | ||
| But drunken people are pieces of shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you've created a festival where there's drunken animals walking the streets all night long. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So, I mean... | ||
| You need a shirt that says vexatious. | ||
| Vexatious? | ||
| Vexatious. | ||
| Vex me, baby. | ||
| Vex it up. | ||
| Going for vex it up and sex it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| I've been vexing all over time. | ||
| I'm all vexatious over here. | ||
| I'm all inappropriate. | ||
| Stop being vexatious. | ||
| Inappropriate's a weird word, too. | ||
| Because by whose definitions? | ||
| But all that stuff is all subjective. | ||
| Whose standards of anything? | ||
| To vex means to annoy or to, like, poke and... | ||
| Annoyance is such a commonality in our fucking daily lives. | ||
| Yeah, I'm annoyed by that comment. | ||
| Yeah, that's vexing. | ||
| I'm vexed by the vexatious fucking... | ||
| The sign. | ||
| Document you've thrown up. | ||
| The vexatious. | ||
| But what? | ||
| Burr saw that all over? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He sent it to me today. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure. | ||
| I'm sure they posted them all over and they have people walking around trying to protect people. | ||
| What is that about? | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's like you need fucked up people to make rock and roll and comedy and rap music. | ||
| You need it. | ||
| In this day and age, nobody, you know, everybody wants no one to be fucked up. | ||
| I think when people, like, reminisce about a time when an amazing artist who was a weirdo, they do that because they didn't realize what also came along with it. | ||
| You know, like, they're like, fucking, you know, whatever amazing musician. | ||
| They're like, they were totally fucked up. | ||
| They did crazy fucked up shit all the time. | ||
| It's like, they couldn't do that today. | ||
| Yeah, you imagine Jim Morrison? | ||
| Fucked. | ||
| He'd be fucked. | ||
| He couldn't do any of the things he did. | ||
| He wouldn't be fucked. | ||
| I mean, that guy used to pull his dick out on stage. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| He'd piss on people. | ||
| He'd pull out his dick and piss on someone. | ||
| And people think that, like, today, that'd be the end of times for him. | ||
| The end. | ||
| Father, I want to kill you! | ||
| Passing on people in the front row. | ||
| But that's the thing. | ||
| That's the whole irony of this whole performers getting... | ||
| And bridled. | ||
| It's so strange. | ||
| I had a buddy of mine who loved music, who's really into old bands but did not like Jim Morrison. | ||
| He's like, please, anything but The Doors. | ||
| Why did he not like The Doors? | ||
| Because he was a good-looking guy who got tons of pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| And it bothered him. | ||
| I guarantee you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was part of it. | ||
| I'm like, wait a minute. | ||
| You don't think that Jim Morrison and The Doors were good music? | ||
| You don't think that Break On Through to the Other Side is a good song? | ||
| Yeah, what's the basis? | ||
| You look me in the eyes. | ||
| You look me in the face. | ||
| You tell me. | ||
| Break on through to the other side is in a fucking amazing song. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was in 1968 or some shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck you, man. | ||
| And he's like, that's just not good music, man. | ||
| Yeah, I'm fucking Jim Morris in the doors. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| Because he's just slinging dick half out of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So hot. | |
| So hot, so high, so gone. | ||
| No shirt on. | ||
| Still making phenomenal fucking music blacked out. | ||
| No shirt on, like a scarecrow. | ||
| Getting his dick sucked. | ||
| Beads everywhere. | ||
| Crucified, get his cocksucked. | ||
| Candles. | ||
| Riders on the storm. | ||
| Riders on the storm. | ||
| He made that intro so long so he could finish when he was getting blown. | ||
| Into this house we're born. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To this world we're torn. | |
| Come on, man. | ||
| Break On Through to the Other Side is a fucking amazing song. | ||
| So good. | ||
| Yeah, they had so many amazing songs. | ||
| That era of music had so much good music. | ||
| I think it was also part of the problem was when Val Kilmer played him. | ||
| That was a big fucking issue. | ||
| I mean, yeah, that was a big bummer for me. | ||
| Val Kilmer was a beautiful man at the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Out of all the beautiful men who are not beautiful men... | ||
| He fell so far. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| What happened, Val? | ||
| Val just got into cake and heroin. | ||
| Look, I pull up a picture of him. | ||
| It makes me sad every time I see him. | ||
| I'm like, that guy was fucking Batman. | ||
| He was a Batman. | ||
| He was one of the best Batmans. | ||
| He was a Batman, and now you're like, what the fuck? | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| Did he just start drinking? | ||
| Is it booze? | ||
| I don't quite remember what... | ||
| Well, remember there was rumors about he had... | ||
| He was, like, covering up... | ||
| He was really sick. | ||
| He had cancer, right? | ||
| But then he denies it. | ||
| Doesn't he deny it? | ||
| I thought he denied it for years. | ||
| I thought it was like a thing where people were like... | ||
| That he said he was sick, but it wasn't cancer. | ||
| That he was like covering it up. | ||
| Inside Val Kemmerer's two-year bottle with throat cancer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright, there you go. | |
| And comeback in the Top Gun sequel. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| So he got throat cancer. | ||
| Oh man, he's thin again. | ||
| Yeah, he's looking better there. | ||
| Let me see that. | ||
| Don't scroll up. | ||
| What? | ||
| Stop with the flashes, you assholes. | ||
| Can't even see what he looks like. | ||
| That's what he used to look like? | ||
| The actor revealed the news on Reddit during an Ask Me Anything Q&A. Oh, how weird. | ||
| Reddit's so funny about that shit. | ||
| One commenter said, a while ago, Michael Douglas claimed you had terminal cancer. | ||
| What was the story behind that? | ||
| And he said... | ||
| Kilmer responded. | ||
| Okay, we can read that quicker. | ||
| He was probably trying to help me, because... | ||
| Oh, what the fuck?! | ||
| We what-the-fucked folks because the screen got filled with all of these pop-ups for possibly new videos that you want to watch while you're watching a video. | ||
| I did have a healing of cancer, but my tongue is still swollen, although healing all the time because I don't sound my normal self yet. | ||
| People think I may still be under the weather. | ||
| I like how it refers to cancer as under the weather. | ||
| That's a pretty bold leap. | ||
| But when he got really fat, I bet that's one of the reasons why he got cancer. | ||
| I bet he was, like, really unhealthy. | ||
| Because I think it wasn't just... | ||
| See, I don't think it was just that he got cancer. | ||
| I think he also was, like, really fucked up for a while, health-wise, in terms of... | ||
| He just looked so different. | ||
| Booze and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 2015, he was rushed to the hospital. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But this is before that. | ||
| But see, before 2015. But he looks so strange there. | ||
| That doesn't look like the same guy. | ||
| Well, it looks like he's got a bandana. | ||
| Cover up scars. | ||
| And it looks like he's got a left... | ||
| Look at his left eye. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| And that's 2000 what? | ||
| What does that say? | ||
| Scroll up. | ||
| 2015. What is his left eye looking at? | ||
| Is he looking at someone's shoes? | ||
| Someone's got a nice tit. | ||
| Someone's got great shoes on. | ||
| He's looking at one tit. | ||
| That left tit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Juicy as fuck. | |
| I love the... | ||
| I love just that left titty. | ||
| Left titty. | ||
| Juicy. | ||
| He's running errands in London without his tracheotomy. | ||
| How do you say that? | ||
| Tracheotomy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tracheostomy, too? | ||
| Oh, so he did. | ||
| He had a hole. | ||
| Yeah, that's why he's bandannated out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But see, that's what I mean. | ||
| When they say rumors, right, I do remember that he had denied it heavily that he had cancer. | ||
| It was like a whole... | ||
| 2013, oh, Michael Douglas. | ||
| Stage four. | ||
| Stage four oral cancer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Fuck me. | ||
| Michael Douglas, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goddamn. | |
| Now, wasn't that whole thing about him saying that he went down on his wife too much, wasn't that like a big thing that he was like... | ||
| He said he... | ||
| There was a rumor that he said... | ||
| Find out what the story about that is. | ||
| We probably should clarify. | ||
| Because I want to know what that was. | ||
| She got really mad at that, apparently. | ||
| I mean, yeah, because she's like, I don't got cancer, pussy. | ||
| Imagine your wife's pussy is so funky. | ||
| But people do get a lot of cancer from throat cancer from HPV, apparently. | ||
| Well, that's real shit. | ||
| Yeah, that's real. | ||
| It's from licking. | ||
| Yeah Even you need a lot of pussy if you Venereal diseases are so weird. | ||
| Because diseases that specifically come from sex. | ||
| Michael Douglas, I was sorry for the effect of oral sex cancer comments on my wife. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What did he say though? | ||
| Insight. | ||
| Regretted the embarrassment caused to his wife, Catherine Zeta-Jones, by the revelation two years ago that his cancer may have been caused by performing oral sex. | ||
| He was probably just joking. | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't think he was. | ||
| That his illness was the result of contracting the human papillomavirus, which experts believe can be brought on by cunnilingus. | ||
| I love that word. | ||
| The story made headlines around the world when Douglas was promoting his Emmy-winning role in Liberace biopic Behind the Candelabra after being declared free of cancer. | ||
| By the way, did you ever see that movie? | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Diaz had a fucking bit on that that unfortunately has been lost because Joey Diaz has never really done a special. | ||
| He did one special a couple years back. | ||
| To do a special on Joey Diaz, what you really do, you need to have Joey do like five nights in a row and just turn the cameras on every night and just let them go loose and then film it all and then eventually you'll get that Joey Diaz moment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| You'll get the experience. | ||
| But when you say, okay Joey, be yourself now! | ||
| Get on camera and guys, clap it in! | ||
| It's just hard for a guy who's that wild and loose to be wild and loose on demand with a bunch of lighting on and they want to put makeup on them and everything becomes artificial and fake. | ||
| It ruins the vibe of what stand-up is so much. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Yeah, it sucks. | ||
| So unfortunately, Joey, being the wild man that he is, a lot of his greatest bits have never been captured, but he had a Michael Douglas... | ||
| Doing Liberace bit that was so good. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| Have you ever watched that documentary? | ||
| I watched it, yeah. | ||
| Well, not documentary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The movie. | |
| Drama. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Biopic? | ||
| What would you call it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Biopic. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so good, dude. | ||
| Yeah, it's phenomenal. | ||
| You realize how crazy Liberace was. | ||
| He had a pump for his dick. | ||
| Couldn't get hard anymore, so he had a little... | ||
| So his dick was just always ready to rock and he's just banging his butt. | ||
| And his boyfriend was like, what is going on? | ||
| Like, don't you ever get soft? | ||
| He's like, no. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I'm playing the piano and I'm just fucking your butt. | ||
| He's playing the piano with his dick. | ||
| Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. | ||
| And, you know, he would always do this thing where ladies would be like, Liberace. | ||
| When are you going to find a woman? | ||
| I'm trying. | ||
| Soon? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm trying. | |
| Who did he date that was really famous? | ||
| He dated someone super, super famous. | ||
| Liberace and who? | ||
| He dated a really famous actress. | ||
| There's a great song. | ||
| Pull up a video for the song, When Liberace Winks at Me. | ||
| It is... | ||
| What? | ||
| Will we get kicked off YouTube for that one? | ||
| Can we play it? | ||
| So we can hear it, but the people at home can't. | ||
| Unfortunately, folks. | ||
| You can look it up yourself. | ||
| Well, we can play. | ||
| Would the people on YouTube not hear it? | ||
| That's the problem, yeah, it's YouTube. | ||
| But iTunes would hear it, right? | ||
| Or RS feeds if you're Android. | ||
| Do you know there's more Android phones than there are iPhones? | ||
| Yeah, good. | ||
| Fucking iPhone shit's so annoying now. | ||
| It's annoying. | ||
| I'm getting sick of it. | ||
| I'm thinking I'd go on Android. | ||
| Me too, man. | ||
| I'm tired of the bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, let's do it. | ||
| Let's go together. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| Every listener. | ||
| Switch, switch, switch. | ||
| Which drives me crazy. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Listen to this song. | ||
| It's Peggy King I found a brand new idol I He's charming as can be. | ||
| This is a different world. | ||
| It's a different world back then, man. | ||
| Look at Liberace. | ||
| I like sucking dick. | ||
| I like dick in my mouth. | ||
| And I like dick in my butt. | ||
| I start to shake. | ||
| I start to shiver. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And every fiber in my beam begins to quiver. | |
| And she's smoking, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Or is she writing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| That's a pencil. | ||
| When Liberace winks at me, watch this. | ||
| When Liberace winks at me. | ||
| You hear that clink when he winks? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Clink? | |
| I'll just tell people to go to it. | ||
| Go to YouTube and just Google Peggy King when Liberace winks at me. | ||
| When Liberace winks at me. | ||
| It's a crazy video. | ||
| I imagine he would sing that while he was pumping some dude. | ||
| He'd be singing it to whatever his boyfriend at the time. | ||
| When Liberace winks at me. | ||
| Well, he didn't really... | ||
| He sang, but he was more known for playing the piano. | ||
| Yeah, but he was a singer, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but he was... | ||
| But that song, he's not singing at all, I don't think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He's winking. | ||
| When Liberace winks at me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was a huge star. | |
| Massive. | ||
| He was a piano player. | ||
| He was fucking massive. | ||
| Can you imagine if you were, like, a kid today, and you're like, I'm gonna get famous playing the piano. | ||
| They'd be like, fuck you. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Fuck you and fuck Kenny G. He's the last. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's... | |
| Kenny G's the last guy to get famous for an instrument. | ||
| For one solo, one single instrument. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| Fuck off. | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
| Because now, if you're playing the violin, you've got to also have a hip-hop beat to it or something. | ||
| They have to do a layer of something. | ||
| No one does one thing, and then that's it. | ||
| But it's like, imagine if you're a kid today, and you're like, I'm going to get famous riding the bike like Lance Armstrong. | ||
| Buck off. | ||
| No chance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck off. | |
| Get out of here. | ||
| There's no one now. | ||
| No one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Liberace used Judy Garland and Mae West as beards. | |
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| These fucking pop-ups today are so annoying. | ||
| Dude, Mae West. | ||
| Mae West. | ||
| As least convincing beards ever. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| If you looked at him, look at him right there. | ||
| Make that picture bigger. | ||
| He looks so gay. | ||
| So gay. | ||
| I mean, there's just people that look gay. | ||
| Okay, you know, here's the problem. | ||
| Those other guys look gay, too. | ||
| Maybe people just looked gay back then. | ||
| He's on her left. | ||
| Yes, that's him. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Yeah, right there. | ||
| I mean, look at that smile. | ||
| That's gay. | ||
| But so's the guy on her right. | ||
| That guy looks gay as fuck, too. | ||
| That's probably one of his buddies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of his roommates. | ||
| Yeah, and Mae West is like, I'm so confused. | ||
| Nobody wants to fuck me. | ||
| This is so weird. | ||
| How come I haven't been piped in weeks? | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| It's three men. | ||
| Liberace had no trouble getting all the dates he wanted. | ||
| And he gloried in escorting well-known entertainers to parties, getting his picture taken with Susan Hayward. | ||
| Gail Storm. | ||
| Rosemary Clooney. | ||
| Yeah, Mae West was a mega baby. | ||
| And Judy Garland. | ||
| Mae West was the only one of his so-called lady friends that I actually met. | ||
| As they say in Texas, Mae was a hoot. | ||
| Who wrote this? | ||
| She was a drunk. | ||
| Is this a gay website? | ||
| Because what's up with that guy in the lower right-hand corner? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| The website's called Queerity. | ||
| That's the name of the website? | ||
| Jamie, is this on the favorites? | ||
| Yeah, he's got that shit bookmarked. | ||
| So look at that That's Michael Douglas playing him. | ||
| Look how good that is. | ||
| Dude, he looked exactly like him. | ||
| Behind the candelabra. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Scroll down where they go side by side. | ||
| Look at that one right there. | ||
| With the red hue. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at that! | ||
| Well, didn't they put makeup on him and shit and make him look more like Libra? | ||
| I know, but it still does. | ||
| Structurally, he still kind of looks... | ||
| He has the same kind of face. | ||
| Close enough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I think they did something with his chin. | ||
| The upper right hand one. | ||
| The upper left hand. | ||
| The one with the guy that actually got the work done. | ||
| Yeah, look. | ||
| He made him get facial plastic surgery so he resembled Liberace. | ||
| So his face looked like Liberace. | ||
| Right, his boyfriend. | ||
| He wanted him to look like himself. | ||
| Yeah, he made his boyfriend look like him. | ||
| How crazy is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because Liberace had a wig. | ||
| So in part of the movie, Liberace takes the wig off. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Rob Lowe. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Rob Lowe was amazing in that movie. | ||
| That's a great movie. | ||
| What year is that movie from? | ||
| 2013. I was just going to say, it's not too long ago. | ||
| Dude, let me tell you something. | ||
| Joey Diaz had one of the best bits of all time about that movie. | ||
| I'd like to get Joey Diaz high and make him watch it again. | ||
| He should re-birth that video. | ||
| I want to know this bit so fucking bad. | ||
| I'm going to have to beg him to do it, but he won't do it. | ||
| He's such a good... | ||
| I don't do that shit anymore, cocksucker. | ||
| The problem is he would have to want to do it. | ||
| You really couldn't talk him into doing it. | ||
| And he would also have to be enthusiastic about it again. | ||
| He'd have to want to tell the joke. | ||
| Yeah, well, it was a whole bit. | ||
| So the story was he was watching the docudrama. | ||
| You Can't Eat Pussy with Asthma? | ||
| Behind the Candelabra by Joey Dews. | ||
| Is this it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a 10-minute rant about it. | ||
| Play it. | ||
| It came from his podcast. | ||
| Jesus, play this. | ||
| I didn't even know this existed. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That should be a shirt. | ||
| You know, what was the last good movie you've seen? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Last good movie I've seen in the last 20 years with Man on Fire. | |
| That's it. | ||
| When he comes back, that's why I don't go to Mexico. | ||
| If you don't know, then... | ||
| If you don't know what I'm talking about, watch fucking Man on Fire. | ||
| Play this. | ||
| Who did this? | ||
| There's a movie on HBO called Behind the Candelabra. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Behind the Candelabra is a Liberace story. | |
| Some of you guys are very young. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't remember Liberace. | |
| There's a lot of people that are long in the tooth. | ||
| You know who the fuck Liberace is. | ||
| Liberace was a piano player from the 60s and 70s that was very popular. | ||
| He was flaming gay and he had a fucking wig. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But he pulled a Michael Jackson. | |
| He told people he was engaged. | ||
| So nobody really believed that he was gay. | ||
| I don't give a fuck either way if you're gay or not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It makes no difference to me. | |
| He was a good piano player. | ||
| They did this movie about him. | ||
| And the funny thing about this movie is that he was played by Gecko. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Michael Douglas played Liberace. | |
| So it came on one day and I'm like, fuck it, let's watch this thing, right? | ||
| So, I'm watching this Liberace dude, and he's playing the piano and shit and whatnot. | ||
| When you watch the movie, you're like, look at this fucking old guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got game. | |
| Old guy's got game. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| A lot of people don't realize. | ||
| It's like the Dos Equis fucking guy. | ||
| You never see him hanging out with Betty White and a bunch of old hags, do you? | ||
| No, he's hanging out with 19-year-old chicks at the bar. | ||
| And there's always like two of them, but there's always a third one that comes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she's like, why are you hanging out with this creepy guy? | |
| He's old. | ||
| And the little girl's like, he's not creepy. | ||
| He's just lonely. | ||
| His wife died. | ||
| He just wants conversation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He doesn't want none from us. | |
| He's like your grandpa. | ||
| And all of a sudden, there's that one girl that goes... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Grandpa? | |
| Keep fucking around with these old guys. | ||
| You will suck one of their fucking dicks. | ||
| Because they're patient. | ||
| They're very fucking patient. | ||
| And they're not like young guys go right for your little vagina. | ||
| An old guy throws you in a web. | ||
| And they play you like they fucking call on you. | ||
| You ladies have been taken by an old guy at one point in your fucking life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They rock your world. | |
| And they'll fuck your brains out. | ||
| You catch them with some good blood transfusion or they've been eating that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had a friend who was a stripper that said she went home with a 50-year-old guy one night. | |
| She didn't walk for three fucking days. | ||
| Again, that's not me. | ||
| I come in a minute and a half. | ||
| It's not me at all. | ||
| I'm just talking about that there's guys out there that will rock your fucking world. | ||
| And Liberace was probably one of them. | ||
| Now, the guy that fell in love with him was played by Matt Damon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay? | |
| Now, I love Matt Damon. | ||
| I'm watching this and I'm like, this is going to be fucked up. | ||
| Matt Damon plays a confused kid that he's bisexual. | ||
| And one night he goes to see Liberace play the fucking piano. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he gets impressed by Liberace. | |
| He goes, oh my God, look at the way he's moving his hands like that. | ||
| And afterward, he sneaks into VIP. And he sneaks in with his little blonde hair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He looks beautiful, Matt Damon. | |
| He's all yoked up and shit. | ||
| And Liberace's got his robe on with his sandals, and he looks and he sees Matt Damon, and you can see he loses his fucking mind. | ||
| He's just looking at him with that gay look to him, like, I'm gonna fucking kill this pork chop when I get my hand on him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And Matt Damon sees this. | |
| Andrew Santino's a dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's looking at him, so he walks over to him, he goes, oh my god, Liberace, my mom's a big fan. | |
| We started playing something, he started texting people, he's taking selfies, he's checking Twitter. | ||
| I'm pushing the show! | ||
| Oh, yeah, thank you. | ||
| Go listen to the bit, folks. | ||
| It's a great bit. | ||
| The problem with playing a bit, everybody stops, and then you pull your phone out. | ||
| Well, I was checking to see about the show. | ||
| Part of it was on YouTube either, right there. | ||
| I forgot to put it back up. | ||
| Oh, that was on YouTube either? | ||
| Half of it was. | ||
| Oh, well, that's a problem. | ||
| Yeah, I'll fix it. | ||
| People were just like, the fuck are you listening to? | ||
| You're just standing there staring. | ||
| We're watching Santino play with his phone. | ||
| You're one of those no cases on your phone guys. | ||
| Nah, fuck that. | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| It's a risk-taking move. | ||
| But what's gonna happen, though? | ||
| It's gonna break. | ||
| But then I get a new one. | ||
| Wow, you're so first world. | ||
| No, no, but the AppleCare shit, it's 90 bucks and you get a new one. | ||
| But do you want it to get a new one? | ||
| Don't you want to just protect your phone so you don't have to go to the fucking Apple store when you drop your phone? | ||
| Here's my argument. | ||
| You have an argument for that? | ||
| Yeah, because everyone says it's why. | ||
| Look. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| This is why I like the phone. | ||
| The sleekness, the design, the feel is beautiful. | ||
| Then we put cases on them and fuck them up. | ||
| They brag about how thin and wonderful they are. | ||
| Then you shove a fucking case on it. | ||
| It loses all the beauty and the architecture of why I like the phone. | ||
| Steve Jobs was in love with the idea of, like, the design of the phone. | ||
| And that's what Apple's whole stance used to be. | ||
| Sleekness, design, thin, like, everything about it was how sexy it was. | ||
| And then we're like, yeah, put a fucking case on it so it never breaks. | ||
| Still sexy with this case on it. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| No. | ||
| Chunky. | ||
| This sounds classist, but, like, I have enough money. | ||
| You, obviously, way more than me, but, like, you can afford to break it, so I just don't care. | ||
| If I... Most Americans that, like, breaking a phone is a big deal, I get it. | ||
| I can afford to buy a new phone. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I know. | ||
| You're so first world. | ||
| Yeah, but that's fucking honest. | ||
| That's like saying, you know. | ||
| I get it, dude. | ||
| Some people treat shit. | ||
| Some people treat shit like that. | ||
| Also, everyone will go knock on wood. | ||
| I've never broken a phone. | ||
| I've never had a case. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| This is my fifth iPhone. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You've never broken a phone? | ||
| I swear on my fucking mother's life. | ||
| I've never shattered a phone in my life. | ||
| Never once. | ||
| I've never had a case. | ||
| You ever shake your pants? | ||
| Twice! | ||
| Ever? | ||
| Once in Japan, once here. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| I shit my pants. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Once in Japan, once here. | ||
| Here, not here, here. | ||
| Right here in the studio. | ||
| I'm shitting my pants. | ||
| I shit my pants in Japan. | ||
| That's a real fucking story. | ||
| Yeah, what happened? | ||
| We went out the night before. | ||
| I had the most fun I've ever had in my entire life. | ||
| And my stomach was not having a good time with whatever we ate for breakfast. | ||
| And I was walking the street. | ||
| We were going to like a temple. | ||
| And I just had a little fart came out. | ||
| And I stopped and I thought, no, no way. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I couldn't comprehend that actually it happened. | ||
| I had to go to like a little 7-Eleven type place and in this little tiny room, take off my pants, take off my shit underwear, leave it in the fucking bathroom and then go wrong. | ||
| Leaving shit underwear in a bathroom is a Rude move. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Because those people have to go in there and smell that shit underwear. | ||
| I disposed it in the trash can and I covered up as much as I could. | ||
| You're not coming up to smell. | ||
| No. | ||
| So I took a shit in the trash can. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Why don't you throw it in the garbage can outside? | ||
| Carried out. | ||
| Carried out? | ||
| With my poop? | ||
| With my shit underwear? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No? | ||
| Just going like this? | ||
| Nah. | ||
| No. | ||
| I had to throw it right in the trash can and disappear. | ||
| That's kind of like... | ||
| Yeah, but that's not... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| This isn't that uncommon. | ||
| Like, in a lot of places around the world, you can't throw toilet paper in the toilet. | ||
| You have to put it in the trash can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, fuck yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you know. | ||
| Go to Central and South America. | ||
| You can't... | ||
| They say, please, no toilet paper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| People shit in the toilet. | ||
| And then they throw their ass swipes in the trash. | ||
| Jamie, say I'm right. | ||
| I'm not playing. | ||
| You've never been to a country like that? | ||
| Maybe I didn't read their sign. | ||
| Because the pipes are old, they can't handle all that paper. | ||
| Fix your pipes, you fucking cave people. | ||
| You fucking cave fucks! | ||
| Get PVC, you cheap fuck. | ||
| Dude, in Thailand, every bathroom that I went to, right next to the toilet has a goddamn garden hose like you would use to wash your car with. | ||
| Spray out your ass? | ||
| Yeah, like nothing, like not a gentle bidet. | ||
| Like we have those toilets, those, what are they? | ||
| Bondels? | ||
| Is that what it's called? | ||
| Those are so dope. | ||
| Yeah, they're amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The seat's warm when you sit down. | ||
| Ah, you press the button. | ||
| A gentle, warm jet of air hits your butthole, and you're like, oooh! | ||
| That's so nice, yeah. | ||
| This wasn't like that at all. | ||
| This was a goddamn, like you'd clean an elephant with this. | ||
| Like a green hose, a garden hose? | ||
| A garden hose, like one of those guns. | ||
| You know, you have a lot of pressure on it, like... | ||
| You know what that was? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The handle? | |
| That's what it was. | ||
| You can't flush the toilet paper down the loo in these European countries. | ||
| There you go, my friend. | ||
| Look at all these different ones. | ||
| Bulgaria, Ukraine, Turkey, Greece, Macedonia. | ||
| You can't flush toilet paper. | ||
| You can. | ||
| It'll fucking break a pipe, though. | ||
| What kind of thin-walled pipes do they have over there that toilet paper's breaking in? | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| It's the mass amount. | ||
| It clogs up the pipes. | ||
| Too many people shitting. | ||
| Too many people shitting at once. | ||
| That just seems so crazy, like what if you have a lot of fiber in your poo? | ||
| Like, what if you're eating a lot of broccoli and you have, like, elephant-type poo? | ||
| Rock shit? | ||
| Another thing in Thailand, they sell poo paper. | ||
| They sell paper that they make out of elephant shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because elephant shit is all fiber. | ||
| So what they do is they take that elephant shit, they wash out the fecal bacteria, and they use the actual plant fibrous material. | ||
| They turn that into toilet paper, and it's a novelty. | ||
| You wipe your ass with elephant shit. | ||
| So you wipe your shit with shit. | ||
| You're wiping more shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How does it? | ||
| It can't smell good. | ||
| Even if they've defucked it. | ||
| I didn't bother smelling it, bro. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| It says, smell me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It says, smell me. | |
| Poop paper. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Elephant poo paper. | ||
| Poop paper. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| The poop poop paper. | ||
| Yeah, so they take it and they break it down. | ||
| Building a future in which humans live in harmony with nature. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And they sell this stuff and you wipe your butt with it. | ||
| Pooh sold here. | ||
| Funny, I get all of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha ha. | |
| It's like when someone has a clever family reunion shirt. | ||
| It's just like, okay, I get it. | ||
| You know who I'm sick and fucking tired of? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| By the way, people that make shitty slide jokes that think they're funny. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Flight attendants now that are trying to make funny little jokes. | ||
| That's like a culture now. | ||
| Do you know what I'm talking about? | ||
| Well, Southwest started it. | ||
| Yeah, but a lot of other airlines are doing it because they think it's cute. | ||
| Like Southwest does it all the time because they're trash. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| Fucking trash cans in the sky. | ||
| But no, seriously, I was on maybe Delta, but they make little cute jokes. | ||
| Like, if you don't know what we have to drink, maybe you've never flown before because it's been the same thing for 20 years. | ||
| And then a few people are like, you know, a few idiots on the plane. | ||
| Don't make jokes. | ||
| This isn't the time. | ||
| Just tell me the bullshit and go sit the fuck down and shut up. | ||
| I don't like the jokes. | ||
| This is coming from a guy who makes jokes for a living. | ||
| Yeah, for money. | ||
| That's not their job. | ||
| Their job is to make sure I get my fucking Sprite and my peanuts. | ||
| Get their little rush. | ||
| Fuck them, Joe. | ||
| I don't like them. | ||
| I don't like them. | ||
| Do you remember the first thing that you ever did in front of a group of people that got a laugh? | ||
| Like a little inappropriate laugh? | ||
| Yeah, my buddy's sleepover type of shit. | ||
| Yeah, a little thrill that you get with that inappropriate laugh. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not my job. | ||
| Their job is to be the flight attendant. | ||
| I don't need the joke from the flight attendant. | ||
| Oh, you're so rude. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| You're so mean. | ||
| They're fucking mean. | ||
| You know they're mean. | ||
| They're fucking mean. | ||
| Most of them are assholes. | ||
| One lady told me that I had to put my fanny pack in the overhead compartment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you, lady. | |
| I had to take it off and I had to use it as a bag. | ||
| I had to store it as a bag. | ||
| I'm like, why? | ||
| I go, what if I take everything out of the bag and put it in my pockets? | ||
| You could do. | ||
| And then she couldn't say shit. | ||
| She's like, sir, just take the bag off. | ||
| I'm like, this is a power move. | ||
| No one's ever told me that before. | ||
| One lady told me to take the fanny pack off. | ||
| I think she was just anti-fanny pack. | ||
| But you know this, and Americans that have experienced it know, when you fly in business or first, they treat you like a fucking king. | ||
| And when you fly in the butt of the plane, they don't give a fuck about you. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| But this was in first class. | ||
| Yeah, but she was doing that because she's fed up with whatever her day was. | ||
| But most time, they let you get away with anything. | ||
| I think she was just chubby and she wasn't getting any dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| See? | ||
| That's how I felt at the time. | ||
| See, fanny pack, she thought you had snacks in it. | ||
| Can I just ask you a question? | ||
| Are you chubby and do you not get any dick? | ||
| Is that why you're doing this? | ||
| Can you imagine if you said that? | ||
| I just need to know, before I put my fanny pack away, just because of a lack of dick. | ||
| It would be great if she goes, you know what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then just walked away. | ||
| You want to give me some dick, you can wear the fanny pack. | ||
| You fucked me with just the fanny pack on. | ||
| I reach back. | ||
| Click. | ||
| Taking it off. | ||
| Overhead compartment it is. | ||
| I'll be right back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When Liberace winks at me. | |
| I can't wait till everyone at home has that stuck in their fucking head. | ||
| It's gonna. | ||
| I start to shake. | ||
| I start to shiver. | ||
| The things that people thought were entertaining in like the 50s, it's so strange when you go back now. | ||
| Watch that stuff that that was like That was almost like sultry to back then you know that she's like with her pen like this innocent girl Writing note what the fuck was she even writing down and then she's she's going, you know Oh just when the piano man winks at me like that's the naughtiest shit of the day if I had a time machine what I would love to do is Take like all these old folks that are like in in the audience watching that weren't even old folks at the time, right and Young people like in their 30s. | ||
| They thought that was wonderful and put on like a modern-day mumble rapper We're like 20 people on stage with them, puffing blunts, you know? | ||
| Drinking fucking lean and shit. | ||
| Trap music. | ||
| Trap music, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give it a hobbit of booze. | |
| These people are just like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like the kid with the hair, the rainbow hair kid. | |
| What's his fucking name? | ||
| Is he a mumble rapper? | ||
| The guy who got beat up in New York? | ||
| He got pistol whipped, right? | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| You never know with a guy like that, how much he made it up himself. | ||
| I was just gonna say, that's a great promo. | ||
| Yeah, he might have punched himself in the head. | ||
| Because I saw a photo online, it didn't look like he got... | ||
| Why can't I think his name? | ||
| A friend of mine was breaking up with her husband at the time, and they were screaming and yelling at each other, and dude starts clawing at himself. | ||
| Start clawing at himself, and saying that she was attacking him, ripped his clothes, called the police. | ||
| A guy did it. | ||
| So, listen, it's not outside the realm of possibility that the mumble rapper took that fucking... | ||
| Donked himself in the head. | ||
| Told his security to call the ambulance right away. | ||
| In this day and age, people are just doing anything to get attention. | ||
| To stay relevant. | ||
| To stay relevant, to get attention. | ||
| They'll do anything. | ||
| Well, that's what Instagram has become. | ||
| That's what the internet has become. | ||
| It's just become the way to be like, how relevant? | ||
| It's not necessarily what it's become, but it's certainly a venue for people that don't have any other options. | ||
| It's big. | ||
| It works. | ||
| A lot of people make actual careers just on Instagram. | ||
| But there's people that, like Kendrick Lamar's not doing that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's fu- Yeah, but- But you know what I'm saying? | |
| Yeah, he doesn't need that shit. | ||
| But he doesn't need that shit. | ||
| But some people who do need that shit, then they're tattooing their face and mumble rapping and pistol whipping themselves. | ||
| The face tattoo blows my mind. | ||
| Do you know that Travis Barker just got a new one? | ||
| He's got a face tattoo that says blessed. | ||
| Where? | ||
| On his cheek. | ||
| What are you doing, bro? | ||
| He's covered, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got no more room. | |
| I see. | ||
| And yeah, he's had his whole neck. | ||
| I know all of his neck is done. | ||
| Everything's done. | ||
| His head's done. | ||
| But he stopped at one point, right? | ||
| He never did his face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| He's doing his face now. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| It's on his Instagram. | ||
| It says blessed right below his cheeks. | ||
| No. | ||
| Who's the guy who wrote always tired? | ||
| Post Malone. | ||
| Post Malone, yeah. | ||
| Above his eyebrow, right? | ||
| Isn't that on his... | ||
| Below his eyebrow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Below his eyebrow. | |
| Somebody had a great meme of Post Malone in high school, his high school yearbook photo, and they wrote pre-Malone. | ||
| I thought that was hilarious. | ||
| I thought that was so funny. | ||
| Yeah, the face tattoo thing, it's a bummer because there's no thought. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Look. | ||
| Oh, shit, dude. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing, bro? | ||
| He's blessed, bro. | ||
| Blessed what? | ||
| Well, his whole head. | ||
| The entire head. | ||
| Right, but if you grew out his hair, you wouldn't see it, right? | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that is fucking... | ||
| Come on. | ||
| The head, the full head tattoo is a trippy one, man. | ||
| The top of your head... | ||
| Could you ever get one on your head? | ||
| I'm sure... | ||
| My whole arms are done. | ||
| I'm sure if I was on the right drugs... | ||
| No, but I mean, would you ever want to? | ||
| No. | ||
| Never. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe the back of my head, a big eagle. | ||
| That's him when he was young. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Is that him? | ||
| No tattoos, yeah. | ||
| It's nothing. | ||
| Come on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Really young. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| Is that a cigar or a blunt? | ||
| I think it's gotta be a fucking cigar, yeah. | ||
| It's still got the wrap on it. | ||
| All he's got is that nose, that bowl thing. | ||
| Septum. | ||
| I don't like that one. | ||
| On chicks, it's kind of sexy. | ||
| It's gross! | ||
| Some chicks have it, it's sexy. | ||
| I like the nostril one. | ||
| The chicks with the nostril one, I think it's sexy. | ||
| Out here? | ||
| You don't like the septum? | ||
| This is why it's weird, no. | ||
| I think septum can be cool. | ||
| Listen, the one thing that's cool about it is a girl with a septum tattoo will definitely suck your dick. | ||
| She's not scared of controversy. | ||
| What's that one? | ||
| What's that video? | ||
| Oh, see there. | ||
| Go there to that video with him where you see his shirt's off. | ||
| It's all the way up his neck and his face and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he's tatted the fuck out. | ||
| I mean, his whole body. | ||
| He's completely covered front and back. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| That's a strange thing, man, when people do that. | ||
| Coming from a guy with two sleeves. | ||
| Yeah, but what do you think the movement is to get another one at this point? | ||
| Because you have a lot. | ||
| Do you want to get more? | ||
| I'd like to finish my right sleeve. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm saying branching away from the sleeves. | ||
| Is it now the next thing you'd be like, you know, I'll fuck with my neck now. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Maybe a leg. | ||
| Maybe a calf. | ||
| Get a calf done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have zero. | ||
| How come? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think we've talked about this before. | ||
| How about you get across your stomach, like gangland style? | ||
| Ginger's rule. | ||
| Bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ginger's rule. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Ginge. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll write the ginge on my chest. | ||
| How about suck my carrot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fuckin' shell. | ||
| Eat my carrot right above my dick. | ||
| Get your vitamin K right here. | ||
| What if I did a bunny rabbit right next to my cock? | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Do you know this article came out about redheads? | ||
| We produce our own vitamin D? You have to. | ||
| At like twice the rate of a normal human being. | ||
| That's why you're so white. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| I'm not that white for a redhead. | ||
| I'm not that bad. | ||
| He's fuckin' more pale than I am. | ||
| Whoa, you guys are gettin' angry. | ||
| He is. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| I'm very Irish. | ||
| That's the whole reason why people got white in the first place. | ||
| But redhead specifically produces more than any other... | ||
| We produce twice as much vitamin D as anybody else on the planet. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder if there's a correlation between redheads being happy. | ||
| Because vitamin D is one of the things that fucks people up, like in Seattle. | ||
| It does? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| That's why they tell people to get those... | ||
| Do you think most redheads are happy then? | ||
| Do you think there's a correlation between... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| A lot of funny... | ||
| I mean, Burr, you, Louie. | ||
| Three really funny redheads. | ||
| Yeah, but I would say this, though. | ||
| The majority of American redheads are different than European redheads. | ||
| Because they grew up in dreary shit. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| So their conditions are different. | ||
| Well, you have sun. | ||
| You live in California. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| So you probably have massive amounts of vitamin D. Probably too much. | ||
| Like, if someone checked you out, they'd be like, this guy's dying of vitamin D. He's overdosing on vitamin D. He's ODing on D. You hear Santino died of vitamin D, man. | ||
| It's fucking terrible. | ||
| That is a weird thing that we have a vitamin that we get from the star. | ||
| Yeah, that's fucking wild. | ||
| There's a star that gives us a vitamin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, we make it ourselves, but we get it from exposure to a star. | ||
| You've read about these people that just, like, eat sunlight for breakfast. | ||
| You know this shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You've never heard of this shit? | ||
| Come on, Joe. | ||
| This is real. | ||
| He knows. | ||
| That's not mean, though. | ||
| They eat sunlight for breakfast. | ||
| They say that they get enough supplemental nutrition from taking in the sun from certain hours of the day. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| I swear to God, they live by it. | ||
| When I was doing that sci-fi show, Joe Rogan questions everything. | ||
| One of the things we did, we went to this guy who was... | ||
| He had some cockamamie device that he was claiming did something that it really didn't do. | ||
| But when we went over to the guy's house, one of the things he shows me, this picture on the wall, some Indian guy from India with like his face is covered in white makeup. | ||
| And I go, what is this guy's deal? | ||
| And he goes like, oh, that's Shriek Bali Gaga. | ||
| You know, he hasn't eaten any food or drinking any water in 10 years. | ||
| Impossible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Literally impossible. | ||
| That's what I said to him. | ||
| I go, that's not true. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| It's a documentary called Eat the Sun. | ||
| Eat the Sun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| We found this bullshit. | ||
| Eat the Sun. | ||
| He weighs a puny 135 pounds. | ||
| What does that say? | ||
| But he could lift weights? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| I'll go back, sorry. | ||
| But he can hoist 965. No, he can't. | ||
| No, he can't. | ||
| No, he can't. | ||
| Look at him with his socks. | ||
| Look at those old school gym socks. | ||
| Old school gym socks are coming back. | ||
| They're kind of tight. | ||
| They're hot on girls. | ||
| They're hot. | ||
| A girl with old school gym shorts and old school gym socks that go up to the knee. | ||
| Why is that sexy? | ||
| Because it's reminiscent of sexy youth. | ||
| There's something youthful about it. | ||
| The 1980s teen summer movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's something about it. | ||
| It's like the hot chick with long socks and a short skirt. | ||
| Socks with stripes, right? | ||
| Yeah, the stripes. | ||
| Red, white, and blue stripes. | ||
| Red up at the top. | ||
| Yeah, that's hot. | ||
| Chunky shoes, big chunky white shoes underneath. | ||
| Yeah, what's with the stripes at the top of the sock? | ||
| Like the socks are good, but you know what'll make it all perfect? | ||
| Fucking stripes. | ||
| You need some color. | ||
| You know that was an accident in threading and they just were like, leave it. | ||
| Yeah, that's hot. | ||
| That's hot as fuck. | ||
| So fucking hot. | ||
| Look at that girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| The Diary of Jane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Keep your socks on, baby. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, your feet are fucking garbage. | ||
| Yeah, cover those fucking hooves up. | ||
| Yeah, that's a look. | ||
| Gym socks and pigtails. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at those. | |
| There's entire threads dedicated to it. | ||
| Yeah, that's weird. | ||
| That is a weird thing that people are into. | ||
| See, well, this is it, too. | ||
| Compression socks is a big thing, and girls will wear them out of CrossFit and all that shit now. | ||
| That's a big thing, too. | ||
| Why do they wear compression socks? | ||
| What's the benefit of compression socks? | ||
| It's the same thing as compression sleeves. | ||
| It's the exact same thing. | ||
| Keep muscles warm. | ||
| Is that what it does? | ||
| Certain athletes claim that it helps keep their muscles warm between plays. | ||
| See, I wear rash guards for jujitsu. | ||
| Yeah, but that's functional. | ||
| But it's compression. | ||
| It's tight. | ||
| The main functionality is not to get your skin scratched up. | ||
| No, theirs is to keep the muscle tight and warm. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| That's fucking weird, man. | ||
| I feel like it's marketing, but I don't know. | ||
| I don't really have the science behind it. | ||
| Fucking weird. | ||
| I mean, listen, there's something to be said about keeping muscles warm when you're working out. | ||
| When muscles get cold, they... | ||
| Yeah, but is that what it does? | ||
| Let's Google what are the benefits of compression clothes for athletics. | ||
| There's going to be some compression salesman that fucking hits us up and just writes a nine-hour paragraph. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I start to shake. | |
| I start to shiver. | ||
| This is just for compression socks. | ||
| Properly designed and fitted compression legwear. | ||
| Prevent venous blood pooling in the legs and improve leg symptoms and decrease the risk of blood clots. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Yeah, but there's so much blood flow when you're working out, I highly doubt there's a lot of pooling in athletes. | ||
| One of the things that I saw when I was in Thailand was they had stores. | ||
| They had stores where it was all compression clothing, including face masks and gloves. | ||
| That's just like a leather daddy suit. | ||
| No, it was tan, like skin colored. | ||
| It was fucking strange, man. | ||
| We're outside the store. | ||
| I was like, what is this? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Compression shops. | ||
| Dude, they had it for little kids. | ||
| No. | ||
| Little masks for little kids. | ||
| Now you're getting into a weird territory. | ||
| Little pants, little masks, little shirts. | ||
| It was real strange. | ||
| See, that shit is gross. | ||
| Then you get into a territory of something pervy. | ||
| I think it's people that eat too many noodles. | ||
| You just eat all those carbs, you just... | ||
| They're trying to shrink them down. | ||
| See, I know people that travel. | ||
| My dad used to work with this guy, and he would travel a lot, and he always wore compression. | ||
| He was a bigger dude, and he wore compression sleeves and socks and stuff on planes because traveling a lot. | ||
| Some people like it for that. | ||
| I think some people use compression socks when they travel up there on planes all the time because you do pool and clot on planes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it happens to people all the time. | ||
| You pool and clot? | ||
| Yeah, blood can pool on planes very easily. | ||
| Don't you need to just go to the gym, you lazy fuck? | ||
| Fact. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| Fact. | ||
| Fucking compression shorts. | ||
| That's not going to fix it. | ||
| What's wrong with your body, bro? | ||
| It's pooling. | ||
| Pooling. | ||
| Because you just sunk in the seat. | ||
| Your gelatinous membranes. | ||
| Would you like it if they had an airline that you could work out on? | ||
| You'd fly and pay a premium and they had a gym in the back of the plane? | ||
| Like a commercial jet. | ||
| No, what if some dickhead's doing cleans and he drops the bar and it goes right through the floor? | ||
| It'd be fucking hilarious. | ||
| Kids start getting sucked through the hole. | ||
| Lift at your own risk. | ||
| And you're in the middle of the perfect bit. | ||
| You're writing. | ||
| And you're like, yes, I got it. | ||
| You clap your hands together and your lap cop goes flying through the hole in the floor. | ||
| Dickhead wants to do his CrossFit workout of the day. | ||
| CrossFit gym in the sky. | ||
| You couldn't lift weights there, but maybe you could have machines. | ||
| Yeah, there'd be a cool machine you could do. | ||
| Or those resistance bands machines, those cable machines. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Those 360 machines. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| What is this, Jamie? | ||
| It's on its way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Santino's ahead of the curve. | ||
| I'm ahead of the fucking curve. | ||
| Those modular planes, I think, that they've sort of shown. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| In-flight exercise. | ||
| Project. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Let's go up so we can read that. | ||
| In-flight exercise. | ||
| Your next flight abroad could include a gym. | ||
| When is this article published? | ||
| May? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Last year. | |
| Transpose, an Airbus project, is displaying a prototype flying gym module at the San Jose airport. | ||
| The modules can be used for spas, napping pods, or gaming centers. | ||
| That's tight. | ||
| Stop scrolling. | ||
| Transpose isn't the first to suggest using cabin space for activities that promote wellness, although such ideas are intriguing. | ||
| A lot of these concepts don't really account for the business model of air travel, says Devin Lydell, a principal behind strategist of... | ||
|
unidentified
|
At Teague. | |
| Yeah, he's what's called the fun-stopper. | ||
| Devin, you fun-stoppin' fuckhead. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Those are sleep tops. | ||
| Oh, that's like rubber bands. | ||
| Like you do like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's not a bad thing. | |
| Like Pilates almost. | ||
| That's kind of cool, man. | ||
| See, that seems reasonable, but I feel like so few people are going to use it that it's going to be one of those things where after a while it's just like, hey, remember when they used to have the smoking part in the back of the plane? | ||
| That's what it's going to be. | ||
| Like, remember they used to have a fucking... | ||
| Oh, so these are the napping pods? | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| That shit's awesome. | ||
| When we were flying to Thailand, there was this one dude that went to sleep immediately, and he was an enormous guy. | ||
| And it was the loudest snoring you've ever heard in your life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, dude, I hate it. | |
| I'll wake them up. | ||
| Wake them right the fuck up. | ||
| I go, no, hey, hey, you're yelling, you're fucking, you're loud. | ||
| I'll wake people up. | ||
| Would you wake them up? | ||
| I do it. | ||
| I've done it before on planes. | ||
| What do you say? | ||
| I go, excuse me. | ||
| And they, huh? | ||
| And I go, you're fucking, you're snoring. | ||
| Just want to let you know you're snoring. | ||
| And they give me, they give you like a fuck you look, but it's, fuck them. | ||
| I don't want to sit there while the plane is quiet and hear you having fucking apnea. | ||
| I don't need to hear it. | ||
| Yeah, it was bad. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking gross. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| It went on for hours. | ||
| You can see people covering their head with pillows. | ||
| How long is that flight? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Five. | |
| 15 hours? | ||
| 12 hours or 13 hours to Taipei. | ||
| Fuck that shit. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| I mean, Rome from here is 14, what? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's a long motherfucking flight to be listening to some guy snoring like that. | |
| Think about that. | ||
| They put a gym on there for a premium. | ||
| People might pay, man, for long flights. | ||
| Not in the U.S., but overseas flights. | ||
| People might be like, man, I could fucking get a workout in before I land. | ||
| Take that snoring guy and bring him back there. | ||
| This is why you're snoring, motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, you fat fuck. | ||
| Put him on a machine. | ||
| Your fucking head's too fat. | ||
| That's the sign. | ||
| It says everyone pays. | ||
| Fat head fuck. | ||
| Workout for free. | ||
| I want to know, when did people start getting that fat? | ||
| Well, I mean, that sugar documentary claims that it's in the revolution of corn syrups introduction into the fucking... | ||
| I would like to know, though. | ||
| Like, did people get that fat? | ||
| Was there a rare person, like, way back in the day that got that fat? | ||
| Like, what do you think? | ||
| Like, the 60s and the 70s, things started to change? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I imagine when our technology boom happened in the 80s, that's probably when it all started. | ||
| Well, it happened before that for sure, but it was also like sugary cereals and stuff. | ||
| Right, and doesn't that stuff introduce in the 80s? | ||
| Because 70s were like, that was the end of like natural cereal. | ||
| No, they had those sugary cereals in the 70s for sure, because I was a little kid. | ||
| They did? | ||
| I was a little kid in the 70s. | ||
| But were they like they are today? | ||
| Oh yeah, Cocoa Puffs and shit like that. | ||
| But I mean the amount of sugar. | ||
| I wonder what it is comparatively. | ||
| Because now it's like 40 grams a fucking cup. | ||
| It's absurd. | ||
| I think it was the same. | ||
| You do. | ||
| But then do you think it's because they were using cane sugar then and different sugar now? | ||
| No, I think people got fat even back then. | ||
| But I think it's expanded. | ||
| It's expanded to everything. | ||
| Well, convenience too, right? | ||
| You can get any fast food everywhere all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 24 hours is brilliant. | ||
| Does McDonald's really put sugar in their fries? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| They put them in their fucking buns. | ||
| They put it in everything. | ||
| Sugar's in everything and everything they make. | ||
| Their buns? | ||
| The buns have sugar in them. | ||
| They add sugar to the buns. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Dextrose, it says. | ||
| Dextrose, right. | ||
| Sugar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sugar. | |
| Howard Taft, the president, was 340 pounds, and that was a long time ago. | ||
| 340? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How tall was he? | ||
| I was trying to look up more information on that. | ||
| It was all cum. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I heard. | |
| He just loved cum. | ||
| He just drank it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hand me my daily gallon of cum. | |
| I'm ready to address the State of the Union, but first I need my jizz. | ||
| You know Taffling's a big jizz chugger. | ||
| That was his thing. | ||
| My fellow Americans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Burp. | |
| Kennedy same thing. | ||
| Kennedy was little cum teacups. | ||
| Kennedy apparently was on all sorts of drugs including crystal meth. | ||
| They'd meth him up. | ||
| He was in a meth? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Kennedy apparently had like some serious physical ailments. | ||
| And he was in dire straits. | ||
| Isn't that true? | ||
| He was a big pill head. | ||
| He was in massive pain. | ||
| They said that if he didn't get assassinated, he would have never done two terms. | ||
| He would have been dead. | ||
| Just from whatever the fuck was going on? | ||
| Whatever the fuck was going on with him, yeah. | ||
| He had some serious back problems. | ||
| But he was such a young, fit guy. | ||
| Like, he didn't look in shape. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| He looked young. | ||
| But compared to most presidents, don't you think he looked in shape? | ||
| Here's a picture of Taft. | ||
| Look at Taft. | ||
| Look at that fat fuck. | ||
| That walrus-looking motherfucker. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It just was on his Wikipedia. | ||
| Oh, 19... | ||
| No, that's not right. | ||
| He's got food in that hat. | ||
| Maybe 1919, but I can't tell. | ||
| Well, I bet it's booze, right? | ||
| He was probably a serious booze. | ||
| Serious booze. | ||
| That's so big. | ||
| That's crazy how big he was. | ||
| So is he our fattest president? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Who's our skinniest president? | ||
| Lincoln? | ||
| That tall skinny motherfucker? | ||
| Lincoln's pretty goddamn skinny, right? | ||
| He was a rail. | ||
| Wiry. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| He doesn't look 340. That's what's funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those pictures make him look 250. I was going to show you this one first. | |
| Photoshop. | ||
| They were photoshopping in 1929. This is his White House portrait. | ||
| Oh yeah, they skinned him up for that. | ||
| Yeah, they did. | ||
| They trimmed him up a little bit. | ||
| Because it's a portrait. | ||
| Because they made that chair look big. | ||
| It was a smart move on the artist. | ||
| Yeah, they shrunk him up a little bit there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Make him look a little bit more regal. | ||
| Like Obama may have been one of our skinniest. | ||
| He was fucking- Yeah, he was very skinny. | ||
| He was skinny as shit. | ||
| He was fit, even though he smoked cigarettes. | ||
| George Bush, I guess, was- our most recent Bush was not out of shape. | ||
| He wasn't just a big- he wasn't a big guy. | ||
| Reagan was thin for an old guy. | ||
| Same, yeah. | ||
| Reagan was like in his 70s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right? | ||
| James Madison was 5'4 and 100 pounds. | ||
| Damn, not even a real guy! | ||
| 5'4, 100! | ||
| Not even a real guy! | ||
| That's fake! | ||
| That's a fake number. | ||
| What year was that? | ||
| James Madison? | ||
| Boy, that's tiny. | ||
| 5'4", 100 pounds. | ||
| 100 pound grown man. | ||
| What did he eat? | ||
| Presidential term, 1809 to 1817. Oh, yeah. | ||
| People back then didn't have any food. | ||
| I think the average height was probably 5'5", 5'6". | ||
| And they were always just dodging Indians. | ||
| If you were smaller, the arrows would go over your head. | ||
| You didn't have to duck. | ||
| You could just stand there. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Isn't that funny, though? | ||
| I bet you if you had a sliding scale of the height of the presidents... | ||
| He's the shortest. | ||
| But there was a thing about the Civil War where they said that the average soldier in the Civil War weighed 125 pounds. | ||
| Because they were like 16, 17-year-olds. | ||
| They were kids, right? | ||
| Most of the soldiers were like children. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure. | ||
| Well, most of the soldiers today are young. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| We use 18 as a standard, but back in the day there wasn't a fucking number. | ||
| Wow, I wonder what the number was. | ||
| Google the average size of a soldier in the Civil War. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it was 125 pounds. | ||
| Damn, that's so tiny. | ||
| I got a picture out there of Sinatra. | ||
| This is a mugshot. | ||
| He weighed 125 pounds. | ||
| Yeah, he was a skinny, tiny dude. | ||
| Tiny? | ||
| Tiny dude. | ||
| 5'8", 143. That was the average? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Look up the average. | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| I spoke too quick. | ||
| This was... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Civil War? | ||
| An average Civil War soldier. | ||
| Was white, native-born, farmer, Protestant, single, between 18 and 29, and he stood about 5'8", 143. That's weird. | ||
| Why did I think it was smaller than that? | ||
| That also sounds very on the book. | ||
| 143 seems like a reasonable size for that time when there was no food. | ||
| Yeah, but you're also talking about, there wasn't, like, how could they have been that organized? | ||
| I'm sure people were just fighting who were around. | ||
| I'm sure people just joined the ranks and they weren't like, you gotta go through the process. | ||
| They were like, here's a gun, go fucking kill somebody. | ||
| Do you think they didn't, like, measure their size? | ||
| I think they took anything they could get. | ||
| I think they were like, fuck this, we need everyone we can get. | ||
| Especially in the South, man. | ||
| The South was just all against... | ||
| Everybody wanted to join in the South. | ||
| In the North, people were like, I guess we'll fuck you guys up if we have to. | ||
| Youngest was 12. What? | ||
| Youngest was 12. Told you, look at that. | ||
| Little drummer boy. | ||
| Most common age was 19. Almost 80. Holy shit. | ||
| Oldest age was 80. Can you imagine you're 80 and you're in Gettysburg? | ||
| What are you doing, man? | ||
| Just go sit down. | ||
| Fucking 80. You have to fight, man. | ||
| You want to keep that stupid flag flying. | ||
| Dude, the fact that they still bitch about it. | ||
| Did you watch fucking Sacha Baron Cohen's thing? | ||
| I've heard it's amazing. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Of him getting this Georgia state representative to be like fucking hucking the n-word out like ten times. | ||
| Why did he say it? | ||
| What was the context? | ||
| Because, you know, Sacha finagles him into doing these fake PSA ads or whatever. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Of like anti-terrorism shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't want to give away Sasha's bits. | ||
| Mesker is one of the head writers over there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was telling me about it last night. | |
| He was. | ||
| He says it gets crazier. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| You could tell this is them just tipping you. | ||
| They're like, eh, here's a little something for you. | ||
| He says it gets really crazy at the last episode. | ||
| From this character, the one character that's like a... | ||
| The Israeli guy? | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| How fucking good is that character? | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Pull up a video of that character when he was talking the Second Amendment guy into making cute guns for kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They do ads for kid guns. | |
| But the character is so crazy. | ||
| This is Moshugana, his Israeli commander character. | ||
| The kid has a safety gun and it's got a big plush doll on top. | ||
| They put little plush dolls on kids' guns and shit. | ||
| Pull his mouth, he'd shoot gun. | ||
| Apparently, those really hardcore Christian Second Amendment guys, they love Israelis. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Yeah, they love Israeli soldiers, man. | ||
| This is why he decided to have this Israeli character. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This dude is hilarious. | |
| Sashabanko gets GOP lawmaker to endorse giving three-year-olds guns. | ||
| The stuffed animal surrounds the gun. | ||
| You're not going to see anything. | ||
| Yeah, but see if you can get a video of him doing the character. | ||
| Yeah, see. | ||
| Click that. | ||
| That's just going to be the full trailer. | ||
| They won't show you. | ||
| Yeah, but no, play it. | ||
| Play it. | ||
| No, that's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
it that's it my next guest is a gun rights advocate he says the Bushmaster semi-autic rifle the type of rifle that Adam Lanza used to kill 20 children and six more adults is quote a blast to shoot with guns are fun some of them are much more cool than others are you proud of what you said it's just a fact In America, there have been a lot of shootings in the school and in the university. | |
| What do the liberals say is the reason for this and the solution? | ||
| Well, they blame it on guns. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy because people... | ||
| They blame it on the guns? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Meshuggah. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Meshuggah. | ||
| It is. | ||
| We start a program in Israel for kindergarten. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We train them from the age 16 down to the age 3. Yeah, well, I think it would be a good idea. | ||
| We've been pushing something along this line for years, but really haven't gotten any traction with it. | ||
| We were thinking seventh or eighth grade. | ||
| You're talking much younger than that. | ||
| My son was in the very first program. | ||
| May he rest in peace. | ||
| He died doing what I love. | ||
| They haven't quite developed what we call conscious, where you feel guilty about doing something wrong. | ||
| That's developing. | ||
| You're learning right and wrong. | ||
| If they haven't developed that yet, they could be very effective soldiers. | ||
| This year, in our state government, they had a bill put in that would have made it illegal For someone four years old to 12 years old to have access to a gun. | ||
| We killed the bill. | ||
| They tried to stop four-year-old children from having access to guns? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What is the logic that these people come up with? | ||
| They just think that children can't handle them. | ||
| We want three-year-olds who are real experts at what they're doing, not three-year-olds who are reckless. | ||
| And we don't teach two-year-olds because... | ||
| They call it the terrible tools for a reason. | ||
| I would like you to help me do instructional video for a few years. | ||
| Oh, they're going to show you. | ||
| Yeah, well, you should... | ||
| Folks should watch that. | ||
| But what's really crazy is the makeup, man. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| Look at the makeup that he's wearing, man. | ||
| He does one where he's like an NPR type of cat and he goes to Kingman, Arizona and he tries to build a mosque and they... | ||
| The shit that comes out of their mouth. | ||
| The fact that they sign off on it. | ||
| The one dude goes, there's blacks in this town, and they don't belong here either. | ||
| And of course, he makes a joke, and then he goes, no, what I'm telling you is, we tolerate them. | ||
| We tolerate the blacks. | ||
| And it sits in the room for a second. | ||
| You're like, good fucking god. | ||
| These are real people that exist. | ||
| Yeah, they exist. | ||
| They tolerate the blacks in town. | ||
| It's a great name of the show, too. | ||
| This is America. | ||
| Yeah, this is it. | ||
| This is the guy. | ||
| A new mosque for Kingman. | ||
| Look at the NPR guy with the wooden beads around his neck. | ||
| He nailed it. | ||
| His intro was hilarious because he goes, I'm a self-hating white man. | ||
| Oh, play that. | ||
| Play that video. | ||
| Try to find that video. | ||
| It's really fucking funny. | ||
| He's a genius, man. | ||
| He lays us... | ||
| What is this? | ||
| This is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it? | |
| Huge economic growth here. | ||
| Who wants to see an investment of 385 million dollars? | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| You guys are going to get it. | ||
| I'm here to tell you that kingdom has chosen us the location of a brand new state-of-the-art mosque. | ||
| I know some of you are thinking, okay, this is just another typical mosque. | ||
| This guys is going to be the world's largest mosque outside of the Middle East. | ||
| Just the word alone scares you. | ||
| To me, when I hear the word mosque, I think of charism. | ||
| This guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is there a need for this in Kingman? | |
| Yes, there is. | ||
| Your town will become a pop for tourism. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| It's so good, man. | ||
| Talk some more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at the character. | |
| The character is fucking wonderful. | ||
| This guy right there. | ||
| This toothless dude that was just on him too. | ||
| But the other dude, he's the one that's like, the fucking blacks we tolerate. | ||
| We have to. | ||
| We do it because we have to. | ||
| Look at his shoes, man. | ||
| He went with the perfect outfit. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| Every detail of every character he does, the clothing is some of the funniest shit. | ||
| It's real specific. | ||
| What's hilarious is he kind of had to do this because everybody knew what he looked like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He couldn't just do Borat. | |
| He couldn't just do Olly G. Except for people in these... | ||
| You know when someone goes, someone will notice you, he's famous. | ||
| Not in those worlds. | ||
| If he'd had no makeup on, nobody in King would know who Sacha Baron Cohen is. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| The crazy thing is these people must have had to sign releases. | ||
| Yeah, and I did hidden camera shit, so I know how that works. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've done that too. | ||
| How do they get them signed? | ||
| Well, there's two ways. | ||
| There's money, which is always the best way. | ||
| And you make them signed before. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| There's two ways to get around. | ||
| Signed before is the way. | ||
| Yeah, you make them signed. | ||
| You know, we're going to be featuring you on this thing. | ||
| We did this bit. | ||
| Ian Edwards and I did this bit for Comedy Central for the show that never went. | ||
| I don't know if I've ever told you this. | ||
| But this bit was so fun to do. | ||
| We made a thing called Melanin Mayo. | ||
| Mayonnaise. | ||
| Mayonnaise that made you darker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Real shit. | ||
| And we put food coloring in mayo. | ||
| But we introduced it as new brown mayo. | ||
| It's a new generation of mayo. | ||
| And so we got people in this test group. | ||
| We know like real people in a real test group that go and take tests all the time and they sample shit. | ||
| We put them in a room. | ||
| We made them eat the sandwiches. | ||
| Just fucking mayo. | ||
| It was mayo. | ||
| They eat the sandwiches. | ||
| All these white people eat the sandwiches. | ||
| And then when they're done, we send in this black dude, Al, and he shows them a video, and it was a pre-tape video, basically, of white people confessionals who have turned, you know, we photoshopped them to have turned more brown, to start to turn black. | ||
| And we're like, in three to five weeks, you start to see results. | ||
| You start to see cultural results, mental results, you know, you're getting more black by culture, you're getting smarter black, you're getting cooler black in your neighborhood to your friends. | ||
| Like, their faces were perfect. | ||
| If we didn't have any volume, you'd have laughed. | ||
| Everyone's like... | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| No one said we'd be turning black. | ||
| I mean, they lost their fucking minds. | ||
| People got so scared. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| That bit was incredible. | ||
| MTV never... | ||
| I mean, Comedy Central never aired any of that shit. | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| Comedy Central probably has in the fucking vault they threw away. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| How could they not do that? | ||
| That was one of our favorite bits. | ||
| That made us laugh so fucking hard. | ||
| Their faces. | ||
| One woman, though, one woman, to her credit, she goes, you know, people are freaking out. | ||
| In the room, people are starting yelling at him, and they're like, I'm going to fucking sue you. | ||
| And he's black, and he's white. | ||
| I'm going to fucking sue your ass if I'm black. | ||
| It's funny to watch him go, it's not as bad as you're making it out to be. | ||
| I mean, I was born black, and I'm liking it a lot. | ||
| And one woman goes... | ||
| You know, it's disturbing because it's shocking just to spring this on me, but I don't, I'm not scared. | ||
| I could take on being black. | ||
| I'll just, let's, we'll see what happens. | ||
| I mean, she was like positive about it. | ||
| To her credit, she was, she goes, we'll just, I'll just live with, we'll just figure this out, I guess. | ||
| I mean, It was insane that they bought into it, but also that that's how we did it. | ||
| We fucking made them sign beforehand. | ||
| And then you paid them out. | ||
| And when it's over, we broke them off more money so they wouldn't say no. | ||
| Because they still have the legal right to be like, I'm pulling that around. | ||
| You pull it or I'm suing you. | ||
| So once it was over, did they understand that it was for Comedy Central? | ||
| After everything was said and done. | ||
| And then did they laugh? | ||
| A few did not laugh. | ||
| A few laughed, a few people were not good. | ||
| But that was one of my favorite bits. | ||
| Melon and mayo. | ||
| And man, did it work like a charm. | ||
| People were like, this mayonnaise is delicious. | ||
| It was fucking Hellmann's or whatever with a little brown dye in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's unconventional, but I really like it. | |
| This is so stupid. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| Yeah, that was a funny bit, man. | ||
| They killed and they murdered the bit. | ||
| Seeing people think they're about to turn black and they panic. | ||
| And the black guy's a presenter. | ||
| That was the best part. | ||
| We put Al, you know, Al's up there in a room full of... | ||
| This guy named Al Shear. | ||
| He's a great improver. | ||
| And he's in a room filled with fucking white people telling him they don't want to go black. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| It was a fun bit. | ||
| So he was saying that he used to be white? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He's saying... | ||
| He just was the representative for the company. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We loved the idea. | ||
| We had images and video of people who had turned black. | ||
| Of white people who had turned black. | ||
| But you didn't tell them until after they ate the sandwich. | ||
| That's exactly right. | ||
| Eat the food first, then we showed them the... | ||
| We said it was a commercial. | ||
| Because that was the whole thing. | ||
| It was like a new commercial campaign for whatever fake mayonnaise company we made up. | ||
| And then we had said, here's the commercial. | ||
| We're going to run along with it. | ||
| What do you guys think? | ||
| And we played the commercial. | ||
| They were supposed to rate the commercial. | ||
| That's what they do in those test groups, you know? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that was fun as fuck. | |
| Now, what did Comedy Central... | ||
| Why did they not do that? | ||
| You know what's so funny is they... | ||
| We overshot this pilot because I think they wanted way more bits for the sketch show. | ||
| And I just don't... | ||
| A lot of things they said they couldn't. | ||
| They didn't want to air. | ||
| They couldn't air. | ||
| There's a few things that were just... | ||
| He did some fucking great bits. | ||
| I just think Comedy Central Legal Department was just having trouble with it. | ||
| Because he was balls out. | ||
| He did this thing called Gangster Gardener where we went to Bel Air where he just started clipping people's lawns and planting trees with a group of Mexican dudes. | ||
| And they looked like they were thugged the fuck out. | ||
| And these white dudes would come out like... | ||
| What are you doing in my yard? | ||
| It's like, we're planting trees, motherfucker. | ||
| We're trying to get this motherfucker looking nice. | ||
| And these white dudes are like, no, I don't want you. | ||
| He's like, we're landscaping. | ||
| And then he would hand them bills. | ||
| He'd be like, yeah, that's 50 bucks. | ||
| 50 bucks for that bush. | ||
| And these dudes were like, I'm not giving you money. | ||
| You can't just like renegade do my lawn. | ||
| He's like, that's how we're making money out here these days. | ||
| In Bel Air, it was like, ugh, we got in fucking. | ||
| That was a tough day. | ||
| Because everyone's like, I'm going to fucking sue you. | ||
| I'm going to sue everyone. | ||
| Every motherfucker in that truck! | ||
| I mean, it was like... | ||
| I mean, there were fun days, but a lot of days, and that shit was like... | ||
| Going through... | ||
| You just feel people's, like, anger bubbling over, and they're gonna murder somebody. | ||
| But Al was ruthless. | ||
| He didn't give a fuck. | ||
| You have to be a certain type of person and do one of those. | ||
| He would go do any bit. | ||
| He would go do any bit. | ||
| He loved... | ||
| And the racial shit was always his favorite. | ||
| It was making white people feel uncomfortable. | ||
| To do a hidden camera show, you gotta be a different kind of person. | ||
| Yeah, it's a beastly thing. | ||
| I... You gotta be fucked up. | ||
| You gotta be fucked up. | ||
| And he was fucking good. | ||
| But yeah. | ||
| Ian and I and another person wrote a bunch of those fucking weird, stupid... | ||
| It's gotta be really hard to do something like that today. | ||
| Which is the interesting thing about the Sarah... | ||
| Sarah... | ||
| Sarah? | ||
| Sasha, Baron Cohen thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah, his is. | |
| Showtime's taking some chances. | ||
| Yeah, but you know what? | ||
| They took a chance because he is such a good horse to bet on. | ||
| And look at, on that just on that YouTube clip, that's not even a Showtime clip. | ||
| That was somebody else. | ||
| That's 150,000 views on just a clip. | ||
| And it's just really recent. | ||
| Yeah, they just put it out. | ||
| I mean, they're circulating all over the internet. | ||
| It will just get way more traction as time goes on because it's so fun. | ||
| Yeah, he's a killer. | ||
| Got all that free PR too by all the politicians saying that they got duped before they even put out the shows. | ||
| They're all like, we got duped, I got duped by him, I got duped. | ||
| Dick Cheney, Sarah Palin, they all came out and were like, he fucked me over, da-da-da-da-da. | ||
| And then they had a billboard that somebody said he was doing Stolen Valor. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| Yeah, what was that about? | ||
| Because he said that he was an injured soldier. | ||
| Right, there was an ad for him as an ex-soldier or something. | ||
| And so that got a ton of fucking press. | ||
| A ton of press. | ||
| Wasn't that the Sarah Palin one? | ||
| No. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You'd have to look it up. | ||
| I don't remember which one it was. | ||
| I think it was the Sarah Palin one. | ||
| He was a disabled veteran. | ||
| But they were saying, right, stolen valor, stolen valor, all this shit. | ||
| Yeah, they were trying anything to discredit it. | ||
| Well, but it's a comedy series. | ||
| It's a sketch comedy series. | ||
| You tell me a sketch character can't play whatever they want? | ||
| I mean, that's what it is. | ||
| That's like people getting mad. | ||
| Some people say no. | ||
| I mean, if you can play a war hero in a film, why couldn't you play the opposite? | ||
| Like Born on the Fourth of July? | ||
| Tom Cruise? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What's so funny? | ||
| I was just thinking, I think the character he has when he does that is the alt-right type guy. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And his saying is a bunch of stuff like that. | ||
| Showtime countered the claim here with the... | ||
| Showtime counter, Sacha Baron Cohen. | ||
| Stolen Valor claim, yeah. | ||
| They countered it. | ||
| Well, because it was made public. | ||
| It's a long statement about it. | ||
| Widespread misinformation over the past week about the character of Billy Wayne Ruddock Jr., Ph.D. performed by Sacha Baron Cohen. | ||
| But what is the counter? | ||
| I think they explained what happened. | ||
| They sort of said that they didn't misrepresent themselves. | ||
| They probably thought he was someone who wasn't. | ||
| Riddick was asked by the senator if he was disabled and he stated that he is not and uses a mobility scooter to conserve energy. | ||
| In addition, Baron Cohen never presented himself as a veteran of the U.S. military, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin, during the booking process or during the filming of her interview. | ||
| Okay, so there you go. | ||
| Okay, scroll down a little bit lower. | ||
| It says, on Monday, a conservative street artist replaced a billboard near CBS Television City Complex in Los Angeles with a doctored image of Cohen in a wheelchair wearing an Army t-shirt. | ||
| The new billboard was captioned, Sasha Baron Cohen walks away with a hit and a touch of stolen valor. | ||
| A touch. | ||
| Yeah, he's trying to say that it's a slight at the troops. | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| But how dare you mock those who have fought and served our country? | ||
| Truly sick. | ||
| Mock politicians and innocent personalities all you want. | ||
| The delicate balance. | ||
| Is this what Palin said? | ||
| Palin wrote on Facebook, the disrespect of our U.S. military and middle-class Americans via Cohen. | ||
| She's so stupid and middle-class Americans. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| You're disrespectful to middle-class Americans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, see, that's the But just that trick. | |
| She's just trying to game the system by saying, end middle class Americans. | ||
| Just get as many people in there as you can. | ||
| Via Cohen's foreign commentaries under the guise of interview questions. | ||
| Foreign commentaries? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Under the guise of... | ||
| She's so dumb. | ||
| Could you imagine that lady almost became our vice president? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What the fuck were they thinking? | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| McCain could have won. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He could have won. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was the anchor that fucking sunk that boat. | ||
| But the idea that they thought that that was a good idea. | ||
| Well, she was a pawn, man. | ||
| She was such an easy fucking pawn. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think she was used as this good-looking, cute item, a female, this middle American gun shooting. | ||
| She was a pawn. | ||
| I think she was a play, and it went too far. | ||
| It was almost like they didn't know what they had gotten themselves into. | ||
| I think they thought that could have been the... | ||
| It's one of those things where you're like, that could have been brilliant or fucking the dumbest shit on earth. | ||
| Well, she was the governor of Alaska. | ||
| They figured, hey, she's a good-looking woman. | ||
| She's the She's the governor of a state. | ||
| She's a mom. | ||
| She shoots guns. | ||
| Disabled child. | ||
| She had all the things that was like, wow, what a good PR push. | ||
| Yeah, was the disabled child while she was running? | ||
| I'm almost positive, right? | ||
| She gave birth almost like while she was running? | ||
| No, no, I think she already had had a disabled child. | ||
| I think she had had a disabled kid. | ||
| Her other son was a veteran, right? | ||
| So she had all these things lined up that were like perfect for America. | ||
| The whole thing's so crazy. | ||
| When they started interviewing her, so what newspapers do you read? | ||
| Oh, all of them. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| I can see Russia from my front porch! | ||
| Remember those? | ||
| I can see Russia! | ||
| I look right across. | ||
| I see Russia from my porch. | ||
| I mean, those were like sound bites for America to be like, she fucked. | ||
| But Trump does the same things. | ||
| He just does it in a— No! | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He does. | ||
| I heard about that again the other day because I was listening to—it's called The Satire Paradox, Revisionist History, Malcolm Gladwell, and they were talking about this Sarah Palin incident. | ||
| And Tina Fey actually said that. | ||
| And everyone thinks that Sarah Palin actually said it. | ||
| It came from the SNL spoof and completely got attributed to her and sort of also ruined that whole thing. | ||
| That she could see it from her front porch? | ||
| Yeah, that was from a sketch. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| No, but she did say something about... | ||
| She said something about Russia being her neighbor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She did say something about Russia being close, like they're going to come through Alaska. | ||
| She did say something preposterous, like that if Russia came, they would go through her. | ||
| Right. | ||
| On Snopes, which isn't the best place to now be looking things up, but they have the article about it and it says that this came from an SNL spoof. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| But instead of Googling that, just Google... | ||
| Palin's comment on being close to Russia. | ||
| Right, she said something. | ||
| That's what I googled. | ||
| I googled Sarah Palin Russia from my house. | ||
| No, no, no, no, not that statement. | ||
| Russia from my house. | ||
| Sarah Palin on Russia being close to Alaska. | ||
| She did say something. | ||
| She didn't say something that's that ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, it wasn't his toy. | ||
| But she said something ridiculous enough that people were like, what? | ||
| What are you saying? | ||
| And that's where Tina got the influence to make that sketch. | ||
| They're gonna fly in jets, dummy. | ||
| It's gonna take three seconds. | ||
| They're gonna walk right across. | ||
| They're gonna be like, here's Wasilla, Alaska. | ||
| But I think that was just, you know... | ||
| Supposedly she tweeted, remember, I can keep an eye on them from here. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| That's her being like, look at it. | ||
| Basically, that's the statement. | ||
| But also, but I think this comes on the heels of her publicly during... | ||
| At press at some point had said something about it. | ||
| This is kind of like how when Trump says something once, he repeats it over and over. | ||
| Like, if you ever watch those clips, he'll say the same anecdote because it starts to drain the swamp. | ||
| Wasn't once. | ||
| It was a thousand times. | ||
| I talked to Tom Arnold last night. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Tom Arnold was backstage. | ||
| And he's got the Trump tapes. | ||
| He said, we got a gang of tapes. | ||
| He said, there's some crazy shit. | ||
| Yeah, I can't, I don't want to disclose anything, but he said there is a tape of him. | ||
| Show starts soon, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, and he said there's a tape of him saying the hard N-word. | ||
| Well, I mean, I just made you a face like I was surprised at that for some reason. | ||
| He said, it's crazy. | ||
| He said, the tapes are crazy. | ||
| Where's he putting them out again? | ||
| It's Vice, right? | ||
| It's Vice, yeah. | ||
| And he said, people are turning on him left and right. | ||
| Because he doesn't have loyalty to those people that are around him, so apparently those people are turning on him, left and right, and testifying, and, you know, giving up evidence and information. | ||
| Like, everybody realizes it's a sinking ship. | ||
| We were talking last night, we were like, dude, it's only a year in. | ||
| Yeah, one fucking year. | ||
| One year. | ||
| This guy's got three more years of this. | ||
| I saw the news yesterday about the call that Cohen has the tape and he said that Trump knew about it. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And that supposedly proves the collusion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It came out last night. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| So Trump did know about the meeting with Russia. | ||
| Then the collusion is proven. | ||
| Then he can be prosecuted. | ||
| Can he be? | ||
| As a sitting president? | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| I think you have to be impeached before you can be so that he technically isn't president. | ||
| Are we comfortable with President Pence? | ||
| No fucking way. | ||
| Does that happen? | ||
| Can we have another election? | ||
| Do it again. | ||
| Can we do it again? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We could... | |
| I mean, I don't know if it's... | ||
| It obviously hasn't happened, but I don't know if Congress can call an emergency election. | ||
| Well, see, this is the thing. | ||
| Hillary has been ramping up the publicity lately. | ||
| Big time. | ||
| Almost like she's ready to get back in there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because she recognizes. | ||
| Because there's so much going on to try to... | ||
| People are trying to bury him, dude. | ||
| Pence would be scary to me, man. | ||
| That guy has scary ideals. | ||
| She's scary, too. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| She's scary. | ||
| She's not a good candidate for president. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| But I'm saying second in line is him, and that does freak me out, too. | ||
| There's got to be a good Democrat out there. | ||
| That's not a compromised, completely corrupt person who's been embedded in the system forever and might have killed a bunch of people. | ||
| I think everyone that you would want to run wouldn't. | ||
| I think you're right. | ||
| I think that's how I always feel when I'm like, oh, you know what would be great? | ||
| It's like, I'm not fucking running. | ||
| What a nightmare gig. | ||
| 200 grand a year to be... | ||
| They make more than that now. | ||
| What is it, 250? | ||
| Is it 400? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Maybe half a million, yeah. | ||
| Maybe half a million. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Before taxes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which Trump won't pay. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| It's a terrible job. | ||
| It's a terrible job. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| Really, it should be a job that many, many, many people do. | ||
| One person's involved in the economy, ecology, environment, military. | ||
| It's like you play God. | ||
| You're playing God. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| You have to puppeteer everything. | ||
| That doesn't make sense. | ||
| It wouldn't even work if you had a village. | ||
| Yeah, that would collapse. | ||
| Because one farmer you had allegiance to would get mad. | ||
| Yeah, you had to control all the crops, you had to control all the weapons, you had to control all the laws. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, get out of control at even a micro level. | ||
| The weird thing is, while he's president, can he start pardoning people? | ||
| Well, didn't he? | ||
| Didn't he already do that? | ||
| Well, what if he decides to pardon a bunch of people while he's president? | ||
| If he does that, is it still good if they put him in jail? | ||
| If he pardons while he's in office, then they're scot-free. | ||
| But are you saying after? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Like if he goes to jail. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's pardoned people already or he pardoned Alex Johnson. | ||
| I know a bunch of them, right? | ||
| Yeah, he has pardoned a bunch of people. | ||
| He pardoned Jack Johnson, which is like, yeah, that's not really going to help. | ||
| Cat Stevens is still not pardoned, man. | ||
| Peace Train is still not. | ||
| Dinesh D'Souza, he did too. | ||
| Yeah, Dinesh D'Souza, right? | ||
| Did he pardon Cat Stevens? | ||
| No. | ||
| What is Cat Stevens in trouble for? | ||
| Do you remember this? | ||
| This was years and years ago. | ||
| Cat Stevens said now he's a part of Muslim faith and he left the United States. | ||
| Yeah, but he also wanted death for Salman Rushdie. | ||
| Salman Rushdie, right. | ||
| And they wouldn't let him back in the United States. | ||
| They took away his entry, right? | ||
| I don't even know if he's here now. | ||
| He does concerts in Mexico. | ||
| People go down to Mexico to watch a Cat Stevens concert. | ||
| It's only where you can get them, down in Cabo. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Look it up if Cat Stevens is allowed back in the United States. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Let's look up Cat Stevens tour dates. | ||
| Because he went, he toured. | ||
| Should we go see him? | ||
| Let's go see him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm being followed by a moon shadow. | |
| Moon shadow, moon Shadow. | ||
| We'll go see him in Tijuana. | ||
| He's playing the border tour. | ||
| Could you imagine if we went to see him? | ||
| That'd be fucking fun. | ||
| That'd be a fun piece to do. | ||
| No events currently booked. | ||
| Yeah, he's having a tough time. | ||
| I think he did it because he needed some money. | ||
| Oh, totally. | ||
| Because he didn't have his publishing rights or something like that. | ||
| He lost money. | ||
| So he went on a tour. | ||
| Tried to get some checks. | ||
| Got some cheddar and then went back to the mosque. | ||
| With all that cheddar. | ||
| Bought some hummus. | ||
| Passed it around. | ||
| Peta? | ||
| Peta, you guys? | ||
| And, you know, that's one thing that an artist can do that's a musician that a comic can't do. | ||
| A musician can go back and do all their old hits and still rake it in. | ||
| I mean, the Beach Boys, they're not... | ||
| They could still go on tour. | ||
| Add a drop of a hat and make a ton of money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they also bands now reconvene with new members and they make... | ||
| They still do that shit. | ||
| I mean, the Dead tour with John Mayer and fucking their biggest... | ||
| John Mayer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| John Mayer? | ||
| The John Mayer handsome guy that hangs out with Dave Chappelle? | ||
| Bro, he tours with the Dead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He tours with the Dead. | |
| He sings? | ||
| Does he sing? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Swear to God on my life, man. | ||
| Get the fuck. | ||
| Do you think he does that because he wants hippie pussy? | ||
| And deadheads love it. | ||
| They do? | ||
| Deadheads love it. | ||
| Why do they love it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I got a couple friends that are deadheads, and I never was into the dead, but they were like, it's... | ||
| There were skeptics at the beginning. | ||
| They're in fucking love with that guy. | ||
| Because they're like, he does it right, man. | ||
| He fucking pays homage the right way. | ||
| He's a fucking god. | ||
| It's fucking insane. | ||
| John fucking, your body's a wonderland is playing Deadside. | ||
| Not Steven. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the world we're in. | |
| The world can't get any more absurd. | ||
| No. | ||
| It can't. | ||
| What does it say about Kat? | ||
| He played some concerts in America in the last couple years. | ||
| He did? | ||
| Yeah, he was a lot back recently. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Who let him back in? | ||
| Obama the Muslim? | ||
| The fucking Muslim Obama! | ||
| The Kenyan? | ||
| It's an article in the New Yorker about his comeback from last year. | ||
| So last year he got let back in? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Maybe a couple years ago. | ||
| So it was before Trump. | ||
| So it was probably one of Obama's last moves in office. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Let him back in. | ||
| Come on, fuck him. | ||
| Fuck the Donald. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let him back in. | |
| We gotta go to our Cat Stevens show now. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That would be amazing. | ||
| So within a year, maybe he won't come back now that Trump's president. | ||
| I mean, for money, he'll fucking go anywhere, I'm sure. | ||
| I think he was here last year, maybe, is the last tour. | ||
| That's the last tour. | ||
| It was last year. | ||
| Yeah, he's saying now that Trump is around, he probably won't come back. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| Where was he living? | ||
| Did it say where he was? | ||
| This doesn't say as specifically. | ||
| Yeah, he was on the fucking, he was on the lam. | ||
| That cat was gone. | ||
| Yeah, he's in Libya or some shit. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| A hold up in a compound. | ||
| In a cave and shit. | ||
| What a weird move, huh? | ||
| A guy who sings these like really peaceful songs. | ||
| The peace train. | ||
| This whole fucking shit was out of picking up people from coast to coast on the peace train. | ||
| Well, there's people that believe that Islam is the religion of peace. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| There's a lot of people believe in that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So maybe he thinks he's on the path to peace and I think Islam is probably like every other religion, right? | |
| There's factions of Christianity that are wonderful people. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Really calm and sweet and loving and they get a lot out of it. | ||
| And then there's people that are just fucking loons and they're serpent handlers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maniacs. | |
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Those fucking people. | ||
| Those Christians, those are my favorite Christians. | ||
| The ones with the snakes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Hey, Jesus! | ||
| Protect me from the serpent! | ||
| Kiss the snake! | ||
| Kiss the snake! | ||
|
unidentified
|
My whole family has been serpent handlers since we was slaughtered. | |
| We've been a part of the serpent culture. | ||
| Serpent. | ||
| We're serpent people. | ||
| And they use poisonous snakes, too. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Wasn't there a documentary on serpent handlers? | ||
| I feel like there's a documentary that I have on my queue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have so much shit I'm supposed to watch that I'm just not gonna get around to. | |
| Dude, I'm so behind, I gotta walk away. | ||
| I'm only in Wild Wild Country. | ||
| I'm only on episode four. | ||
| It's good, but it's slow. | ||
| Big chunks of slow. | ||
| Where you're like... | ||
| People say that it could have been done in three. | ||
| Could have easily. | ||
| There's a lot of drag out that you're like, didn't we go over this already? | ||
| But that's just them being like... | ||
| Come on, knees. | ||
| Come on, Netflix. | ||
| Netflix wants six. | ||
| I want six. | ||
| You want six? | ||
| I want six. | ||
| Netflix, they don't need any more fucking money. | ||
| They own Hollywood. | ||
| They're putting out 30 comedy specials just from Just for Laughs. | ||
| That's another thing that Bill sent me. | ||
| They won't even sniff one of my fucking farts. | ||
| I can't even fucking get near them for some reason. | ||
| Netflix wants nothing to do with me. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck their thing is with me. | ||
| Maybe I did something wrong years ago. | ||
| They're putting out so many specials. | ||
| I'm like, how come I can't get any of that? | ||
| They don't want to have anything to do with you. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But they probably haven't seen you. | ||
| You know, the thing is, man, I don't think they can keep up. | ||
| Yeah, no, I think there's too much going on. | ||
| I don't think they can keep up. | ||
| I don't think they have enough people. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| I mean, I feel like there's so much comedy going on right now. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Have you ever seen more stand-up? | ||
| Never in my life. | ||
| It's overwhelming. | ||
| But there's a lot more shit comedy being put out than I've ever seen. | ||
| Or not shit comedy in terms of my opinion, in terms of like just comedy for the sake now of comedy that I'm like, this isn't a fucking well put together special. | ||
| People didn't take time for some of these things. | ||
| They're pumping them out. | ||
| Yeah, there's definitely that too. | ||
| And there's people that are taking advantage of an opportunity, right? | ||
| Somebody offers you a shitload of money. | ||
| You don't really have a set ready. | ||
| No, they just fucking want to do it. | ||
| That's one thing that happens with people when they start doing movies. | ||
| When you start doing movies, you're on a set 16 hours a day, and you don't really have enough time to write, and you're definitely not performing every night. | ||
| No way. | ||
| That is a crazy move, to be doing all these films and then do an hour special, when you barely have the material. | ||
| They can do 30, and they're pushing 30 on fun shit in between. | ||
| Maybe even 30, man. | ||
| Not even 30. Like a real rockin' sockin' robots 30? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's probably not a back-to-back 30, like bang, bang, bang, bang. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's more thin than that. | ||
| There's a lot of thin shit out there. | ||
| Louis said this to me once backstage, and I think he's right. | ||
| He's like, in order to do comedy, to really do it, you can't do anything else. | ||
| I mean, that's probably the only way to be the best at it. | ||
| Because you could do it, and you could do it good, but to be at your best, you really can't be doing anything else. | ||
| I believe that. | ||
| I believe that wholeheartedly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you think you do a podcast, because a podcast is just talking. | ||
| No, this is exercise. | ||
| Yeah, this helps. | ||
| This is working out for working out at comedy to do a special. | ||
| Podcasting and comedic relationships and us still moving in whatever realm that is for comedy, if it's all branching for it, but other things... | ||
| Acting. | ||
| That takes totally away from it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because when I go do acting shit, I'm totally disconnected. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Comedy loses its breath for a while. | ||
| Well, what about when you were doing acting on I'm Dying Up Here? | ||
| I performed almost every night. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I didn't give a fuck. | ||
| I was burning the candle at both ends. | ||
| I didn't care. | ||
| Because you had to. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Because I also know that I don't want to lose steps. | ||
| I was like, I don't want to fucking lose steps. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I care about acting. | ||
| Not as much as I care about stand-up. | ||
| Yeah, you care about it like, yeah, it's cool. | ||
| I like it a lot. | ||
| It's very fun. | ||
| But it's not your thing. | ||
| No, I'm in love with stand-up. | ||
| Acting is like, yeah, I like it. | ||
| I like it a lot. | ||
| It's very rewarding. | ||
| And I'm not disrespecting the art. | ||
| I'm just saying it doesn't do the same thing for me that stand-up does. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if I don't go out at night and try to make sure I'm booking shows late, you definitely get disconnected. | ||
| People who do it know who they are. | ||
| They know when it happens. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| They'll pretend like it doesn't. | ||
| A lot of people that do sitcoms, too. | ||
| Sitcoms will do it to you, too, because you're on set. | ||
| It killed it for me, man. | ||
| When I was on news radio, there was a stretch where I was doing stand-up for a couple years where I wasn't writing any jokes. | ||
| Just doing the same shit? | ||
| I was doing the same shit, and I was getting disconnected with the jokes, and I was starting to bomb. | ||
| And then you hate them? | ||
| You hate the material? | ||
| Well, you talked to Jeff a couple days ago, and Garland, you know, he just goes and wings it all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because he loves it. | ||
| He doesn't want to fuck, because he's on set all fucking day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I don't know where he's finding time to write stuff anyway, because Jeff's like, no, I'd just like to have fun, because he doesn't have any time. | ||
| He's doing 50 things at once. | ||
| He doesn't have time to sit down and go, all right, let me try to pump out some new material. | ||
| He's not on a plane on the road. | ||
| He's on two shows, too. | ||
| Yeah, he's on two shows. | ||
| Hit shows. | ||
| Isn't it funny, too, he's saying that he doesn't want to do 15-minute sets? | ||
| I just do like an hour on Friday and sometimes an hour on Sunday. | ||
| I disagree with it, too. | ||
| I didn't understand it when he said I'm wasting my time to leave the house. | ||
| The first thing I said, I'm in my kitchen listening to it, and he goes, I'm not going to leave my house for 15 minutes. | ||
| I go, fucking Joe's sitting right across from you. | ||
| He leaves his house for fucking 15 minutes. | ||
| I did it last night. | ||
| Yeah, no shit. | ||
| I do it constantly. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Yeah, I... I think it's just a different breed of certain people are like that, that they're like, nah, I'm going to maximize that time and only do it at this chunk. | ||
| But certain people, you, me, that is the maximizing of the chunk of being like, if it's just 15, I'm going to make sure that 15 is... | ||
| He doesn't have bits, though, not the same way. | ||
| He's just a funny guy. | ||
| He rants and raves and talks about stuff. | ||
| He does improv. | ||
| Improvs, yeah. | ||
| But he doesn't have a chunk on lava lamps and a chunk on wristwatches. | ||
| He doesn't have that. | ||
| I'm going to open up with lava lamps. | ||
| That's not what he does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, no. | |
| He did a Fallon set a couple years ago. | ||
| Maybe it was a year or two years ago. | ||
| And it was all about lotion at the airport. | ||
| And that was the first time I'd seen Jeff do a bit. | ||
| Again, this is obviously no disrespect to Jeff. | ||
| I like Jeff. | ||
| Jeff's a great guy to me. | ||
| But what he does is, yeah, it's that. | ||
| It's much more like freeform. | ||
| But on Fallon, he did like a bit. | ||
| I was like, oh, that's like a bit. | ||
| And Jeff doesn't really do bits. | ||
| He doesn't chunk out bits. | ||
| He's like, if he finds a bit, it'll be great. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But he usually is just fucking around. | ||
| I watched him in Atlanta. | ||
| We were both playing Atlanta at the same time. | ||
| And he was just, he was shitting on like one of the other comics. | ||
| And it was hysterical. | ||
| He was just fucking around with the other comic, one of the other comics that went on before. | ||
| But that took up 15 minutes of him just fucking around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then got into like talking to them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, he's loose. | ||
| Oh, so loose. | ||
| I mean, one of the funny things that he said was that he's so comfortable with just being funny. | ||
| Oh, and I have to tell Andrew Dice Clay, he was not disrespecting you, Dice. | ||
| Dice went on this whole rant about Fat Jeff giving him a hard time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He thinks... | ||
| Because... | ||
| Garland was saying that it was Rick Rubin's idea to do The Day the Laughter Died. | ||
| And Dice is like, no, it was my fucking idea. | ||
| My fucking idea. | ||
| He got very upset. | ||
| He was very happy. | ||
| Did he get really mad? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Dice gets mad. | ||
| Like that, though? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he gets mad. | |
| Like, that's so strange. | ||
| Well, I know he got... | ||
| I know there was all sorts of... | ||
| Dice, Sebastian, weird, strange fucking beef. | ||
| Yeah, what happened there? | ||
| I don't know, dude. | ||
| It was like Sebastian... | ||
| Dice had said something online, I guess, on Instagram about Sebastian stealing his act or doing his shit. | ||
| Emulating him or something. | ||
| He was going after Sebastian for some fucking reason. | ||
| Sebastian's very original. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude... | |
| He's him. | ||
| No one is Sebastian. | ||
| But that's who he is. | ||
| Well, I think Sebastian used to open for him, right? | ||
| Years and years and years ago. | ||
| If I'm not wrong, people will correct me. | ||
| I think you're right. | ||
| And I think maybe Dice felt like he's not giving him his due. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like Dice saying, like, I fucking raised you. | ||
| And you're not even going to kiss the ring a little bit? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Sebastian's, first of all, a grown-ass man who's built his own career completely on his own, and brilliantly so. | ||
| He doesn't know anybody's shit. | ||
| Wasn't it that he didn't talk about Dice in his book? | ||
| Perhaps. | ||
| That's probably the crux of it. | ||
| I think that's it. | ||
| It's layers. | ||
| For old friendships like that that have gone sour, maybe, it's layers. | ||
| It's that. | ||
| It's, why didn't you go to my fucking dinner party? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's bullshit. | ||
| It's all bullshit piled up. | ||
| When you get a guy opening for you for years and then he's smashing it, selling out theaters everywhere. | ||
| Now he's a fucking superstar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's gotta feel weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's gotta feel weird. | ||
| I'm envious of what Sebastian's done because Sebastian can kind of go anywhere. | ||
| Yeah, he does anything. | ||
| But, I mean, he's really successful, but he's also this weird kind of famous. | ||
| Well, he could, like, go to the movies. | ||
| He's famous. | ||
| He could go to restaurants. | ||
| Famish. | ||
| Famish, but he sells out tickets like he's mega famous. | ||
| Well, we talked about this when I was in Vegas. | ||
| I walked by. | ||
| Gaffigan was playing one of the arenas there and had a billboard up that said, you know, Jim Gaffigan, 28, 29, whatever. | ||
| And I was saying to the comic that I was with, I was like, isn't that funny? | ||
| That, like, if Gaffigan was just, like, walking through the casino, there's a good chance a lot of people just wouldn't see him see him. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| They might. | ||
| They might. | ||
| But in that fucking arena, Sold out. | ||
| Five shows sold out. | ||
| Unmistakably famous in stand-up. | ||
| But he's the kind of guy that could go to Ralph's and you'd be like... | ||
| Someone would go... | ||
| Is that that guy? | ||
| Maybe he's not. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| But even if you saw him, you'd be like, hey, Hot Pockets! | ||
| Hot Pockets! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Can I get a selfie, bro? | ||
| Can I get a selfie, bro? | ||
| Hot Pockets! | ||
| Come on, man! | ||
| I like going with you to watch how people ask you for selfies. | ||
| My favorite thing is when I'm with Joe and somebody asks me if they can take a picture of Joe. | ||
| If we're talking, hey, do you mind? | ||
| To me. | ||
| I'm not his fucking hand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're my handler, bro. | |
| Why are you asking me? | ||
| That's so annoying to me. | ||
| Don't look at me, dude. | ||
| If you want to converse with a grown man, do it. | ||
| I'm not your through line to get to Joe. | ||
| Gaffigan's doing an interesting thing. | ||
| He decided on his own to not put his special on Netflix. | ||
| Yeah, why? | ||
| It was a conscious decision. | ||
| Because he felt like there's so many digital platforms on it, he was going to offer them on all the other platforms. | ||
| So he's got it on Amazon, he's got it on Hulu, he's got it everywhere. | ||
| Find out the places Gaffigan put out his special on. | ||
| I've seen the billboard and it mentions that on the bottom, it says available on all platforms. | ||
| Oh, I have seen that. | ||
| Amazon, it's every platform. | ||
| All platforms except Netflix. | ||
| Yeah, but I get that. | ||
| He stood out his whole career as being... | ||
| A clean... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I think this is another way of him being like, I'm also not grouped like that as well. | ||
| I think that he made... | ||
| The decision was that there was just so many other platforms available that he didn't want to limit it to Netflix. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And be one of the many on Netflix already, you know? | ||
| I mean, it might be actually a smarter, more lucrative move, although the access that people have probably isn't as good. | ||
| I just think Netflix is a global brand. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| It's so giant. | ||
| It's huge. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Yeah, but if you have it on YouTube... | ||
| YouTube is probably bigger than anything, right? | ||
| More people watch... | ||
| YouTube has a bigger reach, but there's way more content on YouTube. | ||
| Right, but here's the other thing. | ||
| Who's watching YouTube on television at home? | ||
| There's a lot of kids that are doing it, because now YouTube TV is a big thing. | ||
| Right, but how many in comparison to watch Netflix? | ||
| I'm sure Netflix still owns that ass. | ||
| Netflix still owns that ass. | ||
| I would think about the mobile, though. | ||
| How many people watch Netflix on their phone? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| I think there's more people that watch it on their computer. | ||
| Well, according to Netflix, when I just did my special, they said half the people. | ||
| That's what it is on YouTube, too. | ||
| Yeah, half the people on Netflix watch it on their phone. | ||
| Well, look at it like this. | ||
| I've never pulled up YouTube on my computer. | ||
| I mean, rarely I'm saying. | ||
| I pull it on my phone every fucking day. | ||
| There's something on my phone that I'm looking up on YouTube. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| Always, always, always. | ||
| Yeah, it's always on the phone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if I'm at the house, if I'm watching something on my phone and I'll flick it to my, you know, my Apple TV or whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He'd put it in movie theaters for a day, too. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's a fucking cool move. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's a bold move. | ||
| Well, how long is it? | ||
| 70 minutes. | ||
| That seems, like, annoying to go to the movies for 70 minutes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How about you have an opening act, you fuck? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's got a warm-up guy that just stands up there. | ||
| I want a 90-minute show! | ||
| Come on! | ||
| When we were backstage last night, we were like, you know, because we had a lot of guys on the show last night, the Lane show. | ||
| We're like, this show's gonna go long. | ||
| We're like, fucking Scorsese movies are three hours. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Match a Scorsese movie. | ||
| That fucking main room needs a new AC unit, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck me. | |
| I was sweating. | ||
| It was drenched. | ||
| I was soaked. | ||
| I had tit sweat. | ||
| When you gave me a hug, when I brought you on, I didn't want to hug you because my fucking shirt was stuck to my body. | ||
| Dude, mine was. | ||
| I did like 50 minutes. | ||
| I was totally drenched by the time I got off stage last night. | ||
| Yeah, they need to fix it. | ||
| Well, they are struggling with money over there. | ||
| It's a fucking money pit. | ||
| It's a money pit. | ||
| Isn't it crazy that that place used to be struggling for money and now they sold out two shows in the main room yesterday, show in the OR, show in the fucking belly room. | ||
| It was just people constantly running through that place last night. | ||
| Every room was sold out. | ||
| There's not a club like that on the planet Earth. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Doesn't exist. | ||
| Well, that's what the dude who runs the social media was saying last night. | ||
| He was like, you gotta understand, like, Just for Laughs is going on right now. | ||
| This has a way better lineup. | ||
| Yeah, and when Just for Laughs used to go on at the store, it was like ghost town, ghost town. | ||
| It was like no comics were in town anymore, audience people weren't even coming out. | ||
| Now, Just for Laughs, you wouldn't even know what's happening. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's still so many bangers in town, it doesn't even fucking matter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's just a weird time. | ||
| Weird time for stand-up. | ||
| Best time. | ||
| It's poppin'. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I wonder what is the... | ||
| I mean, there's so many different... | ||
| You can't really have one factor. | ||
| There's not just one factor. | ||
| But there's the internet, for sure, is the underlying machine. | ||
| It's like, more people have access to stand-up comedy through YouTube and all these other different ways, and Netflix. | ||
| And then, on top of that, it's podcasts. | ||
| Like, comics get together, and those podcasts become a part of people's lives. | ||
| Their daily lives, their drive. | ||
| And then on top of that, the podcasts start talking about the store. | ||
| Like, everyone's talking about the store, the store, the store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then... | |
| Because you go to the Laugh Factory tonight... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You hear crickets. | ||
| Someone there? | ||
| Tumbleweeds. | ||
| It's just different because the Laugh Factory doesn't have this same kind of talk that comics talk about the store. | ||
| The store is romanticized by comedians. | ||
| It's just like that. | ||
| It's that spot. | ||
| I mean, shit, when you look at the... | ||
| Go look at the Instagram for the comedy store. | ||
| Every time they put a line up, read almost every single comment will have someone go, fuck, man. | ||
| I wish I didn't live in XYZ. I would kill to be there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Crazy lineup. | ||
| And it's Wednesday. | ||
| It's Wednesday night, you know? | ||
| Thursday night. | ||
| And they're like, dude, if I could fucking pay for a flight, I would do it right now. | ||
| If I could afford it, I would kill. | ||
| We have this virtual reality thing, the HTC Vive. | ||
| You put the headphones on. | ||
| You ever seen that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The headset. | ||
| You put the goggles on. | ||
| Earplugs. | ||
| They're gonna do stand-up in that thing. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| There's no doubt. | ||
| I've been thinking about that a lot lately. | ||
| When you put that fucker on and you feel like you're in the room with that, like, that would be an amazing way to broadcast stand-up. | ||
| Into your living room. | ||
| Fuck yeah, you could be at the store. | ||
| So we're on your fucking couch just standing up. | ||
| It might even be better. | ||
| It might be kind of cooler. | ||
| Than actually being there? | ||
| Not cooler than being there. | ||
| No, being there is always going to be cooler, but cool in a unique, different way. | ||
| Well, I think it's just another add, right? | ||
| Like, to me, you're always going to want live performance, because we always have in the history of humanity, we love watching performance live. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's just another way for people to access who physically can't get there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's always going to be sexier to be there, because you feel like you're a part of it. | ||
| But to actually be someone in there in the virtual world, that will be just as, I mean... | ||
| For people that can't physically be here, I think that's as close as you can get. | ||
| That's the best you can get. | ||
| Well, when you're there, it's live. | ||
| It's just a different kind of thing. | ||
| No stand-up to me on tape has ever been as funny as it is live. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ever. | |
| It's not even close. | ||
| The best you can hope on a television show is to just kind of capture a feel of it when you're doing a special for television. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| This is as close as they're getting right now. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| So this is like a virtual audience in like a almost like fake movie theater type situation and you're all watching the screen together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So you can look around and see people. | ||
| And you're watching the World Cup? | ||
| This was for the World Cup to start with. | ||
| What? | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| So you sit down and you feel like you're in awesome seats at the World Cup. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And this is happening at the same time that a couple websites are starting what they're calling watch parties, where you watch videos with your friends together online at the same time. | ||
| And this is the actual World Cup. | ||
| This was for the World Cup. | ||
| Yeah, live. | ||
| So you actually watch the real game with those goggles on. | ||
| That's fucking amazing. | ||
| And you're fucking in the third row. | ||
| Look how good that looks, too. | ||
| And then look, you get the Hard Rock ad, so they can put ads up. | ||
| Well, that's where they're going to start making all their money. | ||
| Damn, that looks amazing. | ||
| Because, like, you know, you've seen a lot of sporting events, they use green screen on their ad scrolls. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they can change for television. | ||
| I mean, that'll just be that. | ||
| It'll be the same thing. | ||
| Dude, how dope would that be for UFC fights? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Why doesn't HTC Vive, why doesn't the UFC do that? | ||
| Call him up, Jay! | ||
| Call him up! | ||
| They do do experimental things all the time, right? | ||
| That they try out, and they don't always use them. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| But that seems like the best one. | ||
| Put those goggles on, and that way you could be in the cage. | ||
| You put a camera on the fucking guy who's the referee. | ||
| Put the ref, yeah, ref cam. | ||
| Put two shoulder cams, some... | ||
| Some hip cams. | ||
| Put cams all over them. | ||
| Cams circling. | ||
| Make him a camera. | ||
| Make the fucking ref a camera. | ||
| I used to do that in Pride. | ||
| In Pride they used to put a GoPro on the guys. | ||
| And you'd be able to see it from the ref cam. | ||
| But those are just shitty. | ||
| You'd have to get really good cameras. | ||
| They used to be shitty. | ||
| They're pretty goddamn good now. | ||
| No, I mean for VR, they gotta be really good cameras, right? | ||
| GoPros, they can get it now. | ||
| I mean, yeah, I think they probably could do it. | ||
| I bet someone could pull this off. | ||
| Are GoPros always with that fisheye lens? | ||
| Yeah, they've got to use some software to not have that if you would. | ||
| Because they're built like that. | ||
| They're built with the fisheye on it. | ||
| Always. | ||
| Why do they do that? | ||
| Just for perspective? | ||
| Field of view? | ||
| Because it's so small. | ||
| Because it was originally intended for extreme sports, and so that's always the best view in every extreme sport. | ||
| The fisheye looked great. | ||
| I think you're trying to recreate your eyes. | ||
| You have 180 degree or probably more than that. | ||
| Yeah, but it's not all distorted. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| Everything gets all stretched out and weird at the edges. | ||
| Technology of glass. | ||
| I don't think anyone's figured out that yet. | ||
| No, it's too hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's why they're not like that. | ||
| Like what 4K is inching towards of live broadcast in 4K is crazy. | ||
| They say 4K is more clear than the human eye can see. | ||
| There's elements to it that are clearer than what human eye can actually see. | ||
| And they're going higher than 4K now. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| What are they doing now? | ||
| Aren't they doing something? | ||
| 8K cameras. | ||
| What is that camera that you're getting? | ||
| That phone? | ||
| The red phone? | ||
| The Red, god damn it, I always forget the name of it, but it's a Red, so it's a cell phone. | ||
| Like with the Red, the camera, the Red technology? | ||
| So yeah, the company Red made a phone. | ||
| And explain Red, that it's like a super high-end camera they film movies with. | ||
| It's just for all high-end things. | ||
| I think their base started at like $20,000 or something like that. | ||
| That's just, that's not even the lens, that's just the physical fucking camera itself. | ||
| You're gonna buy like a $5,000 battery or not really, but so it gets really expensive. | ||
| But anyway, so this is supposed to be like a modular piece that's supposed to work with some systems they have coming in the future. | ||
| This like the base of the of the phone might connect to a camera or it might connect to a series of other things that might replace I think they actually said this has two cameras on the back. | ||
| So anyway, the other cool part of it is the display is holographic, which no one's actually seen yet because it's a new technology. | ||
| Like playback can be in the holographic. | ||
| Weren't they supposed to release this phone over a year ago? | ||
| They showed it a year ago. | ||
| And when did you buy it? | ||
| It's been on pre-order. | ||
| I think I bought it last about a year ago. | ||
| What did they clip you for? | ||
| How much were they? | ||
| It's the same price as an iPhone, like $1,200. | ||
| I just had to prepay it. | ||
| Yeah, you'd see to give them the money. | ||
| So you prepaid $1,200 so they can advance the technology. | ||
| They needed the money. | ||
| I imagine so, yeah. | ||
| We all paid for them to be able to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kickstarter type deal? | |
| I think so, yeah. | ||
| But you're trusting Red because it's not, you know... | ||
| It's a... | ||
| Fly by night. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But they're also getting, I'm sure, tons of VC investors to keep pumping money to keep that going. | ||
| That's the kind of thing that the technology... | ||
| It's so far fucking ahead. | ||
| They're trying hard to get the hardware to a place where it works. | ||
| And when is it supposed to come out? | ||
| It's supposed to be shipped next month. | ||
| So in the next four weeks I should have it. | ||
| Some people, like there might be the testers, I would imagine some magical day, like they're not going to tell you, but like August 8th for instance. | ||
| Well, August 9th is when the Samsung Galaxy Note 9 comes out. | ||
| They got all these ads coming out now. | ||
| Apparently it's going to have the most storage of any phone, the biggest battery. | ||
| It's going to have 4,000 milliamp battery. | ||
| It's supposed to have insane cameras. | ||
| This is like Samsung's last hurrah with the Note. | ||
| And if the Note doesn't work this time, they're just going to stick with the Galaxy's. | ||
| Because the Galaxy S9 did not do well. | ||
| It didn't sell well, but it was an amazing phone. | ||
| But it was too close to the Galaxy S8. It wasn't much different. | ||
| It was just like an incremental step better. | ||
| As opposed to like, the iPhone X is kind of way better than the iPhone 7. You know, the 7 and 8. It's just like the shape is better. | ||
| The fact that all it has is this little tiny little notch at the top. | ||
| It's all screen. | ||
| It's a pretty dope camera. | ||
| I don't know who was talking about it. | ||
| I think it was maybe a comic, but they were like, man, if Steve Jobs was alive, that would have never been up there. | ||
| That notch? | ||
| No. | ||
| He was such a meticulous fucking dude. | ||
| Huawei has an amazing phone called the Mate R or the P20 Pro. | ||
| Huawei's the company that Trump is keeping from selling cell phones. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And there was an article... | ||
| Here, I'll send it to you, Jamie. | ||
| There was an article that... | ||
| We were talking about this yesterday with Dr. Deborah So, and then there's an article on... | ||
| I think it's on BGR. Here, I'll send you this article right now. | ||
| But they were saying there's no reason why they shouldn't have this phone for sale. | ||
| Like, there's some fucking weirdness going on. | ||
| But this... | ||
| this one uh porsche design made their own version of it porsche design um made a mate 10 rs they call it like rally sport like their rent like the cars the cars like my uh gt3 yeah rs and they um they took away the notch like that notch like we're just gonna have a thin bezel on the top yeah then one on the bottom you can't have a notch no porsche designs like nope no no no But that's what I feel about with that guy. | ||
| I got mad at a guy at Apple and I said, they fucked me over on an appointment or something and I was being a dick. | ||
| And I go, you know if that guy was alive, this company would still be doing better? | ||
| And he was like, okay, that's mean. | ||
| And I was like, I'm just saying. | ||
| He said that's mean. | ||
| That's mean, yeah. | ||
| They took a tank when that guy died. | ||
| They definitely did. | ||
| Things have gone so down. | ||
| Their laptops are dog shit. | ||
| Dog shit. | ||
| They're so bad. | ||
| And they're getting beat now. | ||
| They're getting class action lawsuits about the keyboards fucking up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Hot new smartphone Trump tried to ban. | ||
| Dropped to its lowest price ever on Amazon. | ||
| But the problem is it's the best camera on any smartphone. | ||
| It has three cameras on the back. | ||
| It's fucking amazing. | ||
| 40 megapixel camera. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| But the problem is it won't work on all bands in the United States because it's European design. | ||
| It's not built for the same. | ||
| It's only GSM, so you have to use it on AT&T or T-Mobile, but you can buy one. | ||
| Buy one for 800 bucks, but it's supposed to be the fucking shit, and the screen's amazing. | ||
| You've got to be able to jailbreak and manipulate those phones and make them easier to use. | ||
| No, because they're not designed for the same band. | ||
| See, it says right there you could buy it right now. | ||
| 795 bucks. | ||
| But the thing is... | ||
| It's just, I don't think it works exactly the same. | ||
| I think if you have an AT&T phone... | ||
| Well, see, that's a SIM factory unlocked. | ||
| So you can use any international SIM on those. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the problem is the radio, the frequencies that it picks up, it doesn't pick up the same, all the same bands that say like AT&T has or T-Mobile has. | ||
| Does not work with Sprint, Verizon, U.S. Cellular and other CDMA cameras. | ||
| Those are CDMA because it's a GSM phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But the thing they're saying is that even if you get a GSM network like AT&T or... | ||
| I'm going to have to ask one of the dudes that I know, like Lewis from Unbox Therapy or Flossie Carter, those guys that do those videos, they would know. | ||
| 40 megapixel camera. | ||
| I think my first digital camera that I ever had was like five. | ||
| I think mine was one. | ||
| That's how fucking bad it was. | ||
| But back then I remember being like, look at these fucking crisp photos. | ||
| That point I was trying to make yesterday with the Wi-Fi, without making a phone call and dialing the numbers, there are so many other ways you could communicate with the people you need to communicate with and still make a phone call. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I understand the point you're making, but that point's not valid because the places where you can use that Wi-Fi, you also get signal that you could use that phone on. | ||
| The real issue is in the places where signal's sketchy, like weird rural areas. | ||
| Some guy from Mississippi tweeted me and said he's been doing it for years. | ||
| So what, he has no cell service, but just Wi-Fi? | ||
| No cell service, only a Wi-Fi phone. | ||
| He gets around and he's like, you could probably do it better in larger cities than I do in Mississippi, but I've been doing it for a long time. | ||
| Right, but so he's going off of like Starbucks Wi-Fi, or what's he doing? | ||
| Or your house, or like all the places you go to. | ||
| Well, I did that in Japan. | ||
| Right, but when you're in your car, If you have a car driving down a rural road, this is the point. | ||
| You're not going to get a service. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| You're not going to get Wi-Fi, and you're not going to get cell phone service. | ||
| But with AT&T or T-Mobile, they would have some service in these weird areas. | ||
| That's the only place where these phones would be a problem, is the weird areas. | ||
| Yeah, tough spots. | ||
| Yeah, in LA, it would work fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| In those weird areas, there's more problems than just not being able to connect your cell phone. | ||
| Just problems being in the weird areas. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| While you're there. | ||
| While you're there, bro. | ||
| Maybe you're hunting. | ||
| You know why I'm there, man. | ||
| Put your phone away. | ||
| I'm there fucking looking for pussy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Looking for forest pussy. | ||
| I look for obscure pussy. | ||
| I don't like pussy where everybody else goes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You city pussy? | |
| No, man. | ||
| I like low-density environments. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like low. | |
| I like to catch a gal out camping. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Cut her up and eat her. | ||
| No! | ||
| Yeah, buddy. | ||
| Bring her my poetry. | ||
| Can I read you something? | ||
| Oh, is that the worst? | ||
| Somebody wanted to read you their poetry. | ||
| That might be the worst thing. | ||
| Other than, I want you to listen to my music and have a seat. | ||
| I'm going to play my music for you. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Hey man, I'm going to jump out the window of this place. | ||
| Not even play the music, but play a recording. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You listen to my shit? | ||
| You listen. | ||
| Here, I'm going to put this record on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| I made this record. | ||
| I got to go. | ||
| Where's your bathroom? | ||
| I'm leaving now. | ||
| Fuck out. | ||
| I did that. | ||
| That's really funny. | ||
| My buddy and I, we got kicked out of a party for being fucking rude and obnoxious, and this famous chick took us back to her place with her boyfriend, and we're all hanging out, and he's like, dude, let me put on my shit. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| He's playing his music. | ||
| My buddy's looking at me like, how are we going to get the fuck out of here? | ||
| I go, I got to go to the bathroom. | ||
| Went to the bathroom, left my buddy there, took off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Fuck them. | ||
| I did. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| I did. | ||
| I was like, I'm not listening to this bullshit. | ||
| I don't care if they're fucking famous. | ||
| I'm out. | ||
| I went home. | ||
| If you did that to me, I would cry laughing if you left me in that living room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck that. | |
| And they were like, where's Andrew? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd be like... | |
| Dude, he texted me like six times. | ||
| I didn't respond. | ||
| I was like, nope. | ||
| I would be howling laughing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm howling, bro. | |
| That motherfucker left me because you put on that music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bullshit-ass music. | |
| I would have to say it. | ||
| You put on the music. | ||
| I think the music's great, but Andrew was like... | ||
| Throwing me under the bus. | ||
| He's a big music fan. | ||
| Yeah, he doesn't like that shit. | ||
| He can't handle it. | ||
| Alright, let's bring this bitch home. | ||
| Andrew Santino will be with me Saturday night in Temecula. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Pachango Casino. | ||
| Two shows. | ||
| Sold the fuck out. | ||
| Sold out hard, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| And next weekend, come see me in Philly. | ||
| If you're out in Philly, come see me next weekend. | ||
| I'll be there. | ||
| We had a good goddamn time at the Chicago Theater, too, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah, man. | |
| That was awesome. | ||
| And we're going Kansas City and St. Louis. | ||
| That's right, bitch! | ||
| Let's go! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Kansas City, August 10th. | ||
| St. Louis is something other than August 10th. | ||
| It's the next day. | ||
| Figure it out. | ||
| JoeRogan.com. | ||
| Love you guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye. |
Export Selection