March 13, 2018 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:08:00
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| That was, you looked at that and went, this is the move. | ||
| Point break. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cupcake shirt. | |
| Point bake. | ||
| Point break. | ||
| We working? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it working? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up? | |
| Are we live? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| I was like, what's he doing? | ||
| You're like, yep, yep. | ||
| We're there. | ||
| I wish we could start this show off with flavor in your ear. | ||
| When we get kicked off of YouTube, Craig Mack died. | ||
| Yeah, that's just a shout-out. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I feel like we should be able to, just as a shout-out. | ||
| I'm kicking new flavor in your ear. | ||
| It was a great fucking song, man. | ||
| Man, it was such a good song. | ||
| Dude, it was only 46. What was that? | ||
| I didn't even see what he died of. | ||
| Heart attack. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Yeah, heart failure. | ||
| 46. Fuck, man. | ||
| We start off the show with major bummer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Deaths. | |
| Yeah, we would get pulled by YouTube, right? | ||
| If we did that, we played it? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| We won't play it. | ||
| We won't play it. | ||
| Let's just... | ||
| Shout out to Craig Mack. | ||
| You know what you could do? | ||
| You could play, like, someone else who did their version of it. | ||
| Yeah, but even then you'd probably get... | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, Biggie's in it? | ||
| No, this is the... | ||
| Yeah, no, no. | ||
| With Notorious, LL, and Busa Bus. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah, don't put that up on YouTube. | ||
| Has it already been up? | ||
| Okay, good. | ||
| Everybody's dying. | ||
| 46. Everyone's dead. | ||
| 46 is so young to have a fucking heart attack. | ||
| Heart stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's everybody. | ||
| I guess I should have just guessed. | ||
| Heart shit. | ||
| Well, especially in this day and age, the way people eat, it's terrible. | ||
| But he wasn't, was he that heavy of a dude? | ||
| I don't think you have to be that heavy of a dude to have clogged arteries. | ||
| But then there's super, super heavy dudes that just, nothing phases them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's some guys that just keep on trucking. | ||
| In Chicago, where I'm from, that's everybody I know. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| Skinny is offensive. | ||
| Well, not only that. | ||
| It gets zero degrees all day long for fucking four months. | ||
| Yeah, you need the padding. | ||
| You need something. | ||
| You need somewhere to hide all that sadness. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Shove it underneath all that fat. | ||
| The sky is gray. | ||
| You hear bullets from the south side. | ||
| When I got in a little bit of shape and I went back to Chicago, I caught so much shit from everybody. | ||
| Mr. Hollywood. | ||
| Look at you, looking lean. | ||
| Eating well. | ||
| What, eating avocados and shit? | ||
| Caring about your future. | ||
| What does it say, Jamie? | ||
| 46. No Cause of Death was immediately released. | ||
| He had been ill for a while. | ||
| See, that's what I saw. | ||
| I saw they didn't figure it out yet. | ||
| Oh, I saw something on... | ||
| Yeah, see, that's the problem when someone dies. | ||
| You get a bunch of different versions of the story. | ||
| I went down an internet rabbit hole last night, man. | ||
| It was a very disturbing one. | ||
| Do you know anything about what's going on in Boyle Heights? | ||
| No. | ||
| Boyle Heights is... | ||
| East L.A., right? | ||
| Yeah, it's East L.A., and apparently the hipsters are starting to open up artisanal coffee shops and art galleries there, and they're not having it. | ||
| So the neighborhood's pushing back. | ||
| It's more than that. | ||
| There's a lot of videos. | ||
| It's like straight-up racist. | ||
| It's anti-white racism, which is apparently totally acceptable, even if cameras are blaring in your face. | ||
| Will Boyle Heights be ruined by one coffee shop? | ||
| It's not just one coffee shop. | ||
| They forced a gallery under. | ||
| Is this an older story? | ||
| This is from June. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They forced a gallery out just through constant harassment, and they broke the windows of this coffee shop. | ||
| But what I watched last night that was disturbing was these... | ||
| Air quote activists standing in front of this gallery. | ||
| It's a fucking art gallery. | ||
| And they're screaming, get the fuck out! | ||
| Get the fuck out of our neighborhood! | ||
| Get the fuck out! | ||
| We don't want you here! | ||
| And the guy was like trying to talk to him like, you know, some hipster guy. | ||
| He's like, you know, I identify as a feminist. | ||
| Like one of those guys. | ||
| I identify as a feminist! | ||
| You know, one of those guys. | ||
| I'm on your side, man. | ||
| He's like, yes, I'm here to support. | ||
| I'm here to support the community. | ||
| We don't fucking want you! | ||
| Get the Get the fuck out! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get the fuck out! | |
| And then they're chanting, get the fuck out! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get the fuck out! | |
| It's a great chant. | ||
| Get the fuck out's a great chant though. | ||
| They put up a sign that says, fuck white art. | ||
|
unidentified
|
White! | |
| Fuck white art. | ||
| The coffee shop, they broke the windows. | ||
| The coffee shop was even more fucked up, because one of the guys is actually Mexican, or at least Latino. | ||
| So they fucked up property. | ||
| They fucked up property. | ||
| Okay, right. | ||
| Yeah, and one of the guys who owned the coffee shop, they called it like Weird Coffee or something like that, and they put a sign on it calling it White Coffee, and they broke the window. | ||
| But one of the guys who owns it is Latino. | ||
| I don't know if he's Mexican, but he's definitely Latino. | ||
| It'd be funny to open up a spot called White Coffee. | ||
| Yeah, White People Coffee. | ||
| White People Coffee, yeah. | ||
| Just call it white people problems. | ||
| Look, a new generation of anti-gentrification radicals are on the march in Los Angeles and around the city. | ||
| This is not an accurate way to frame what's happening. | ||
| No, that's crazy. | ||
| This is not anti-gentrification radicals. | ||
| These are rioters. | ||
| Yeah, they're rioting. | ||
| These people have fire in their hands. | ||
| They're walking on the street and they're yelling a bunch of racist shit and they cover their faces up. | ||
| Look, I get what's going on. | ||
| They're afraid they're going to lose their neighborhood. | ||
| They're afraid their neighborhood's going to be pushed out. | ||
| The dinosaurs felt the same way. | ||
| So did cavemen. | ||
| Everybody feels the same way. | ||
| The world is a fucking fluid, moving thing. | ||
| You can't just save neighborhoods forever. | ||
| It just doesn't work that way. | ||
| You can't save anything forever. | ||
| No. | ||
| And there's nothing wrong with a goddamn gallery moving into your neighborhood. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Get the fuck out! | ||
| I see it when people do this whole thing about Walmarts moving into small towns and they panic. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| I understand it's changing industry. | ||
| A dude selling fucking lattes is not going to dynamically shape it. | ||
| And if it does, it'll take 15 more years. | ||
| Yeah, it'll take 15 more years, but they know it's coming. | ||
| They know what happens in these neighborhoods. | ||
| It's like these hipsters move in first. | ||
| Because... | ||
| LA real estate is so ridiculous. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| I was looking at places near where Callan lives. | ||
| Callan lives in Santa Monica. | ||
| He lives above ground? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I know, right? | ||
| I thought he lived in like the sewer system or something like that. | ||
| Like one of them ninja turtles. | ||
| Yeah, I thought he was a turtle. | ||
| I can't live underneath the sewer system. | ||
| He lives in a very nice neighborhood. | ||
| But I was just looking in Santa Monica in general. | ||
| And a regular house, like a regular house, is two million dollars. | ||
| Yeah, a bullshit house. | ||
| It's a fucking house house. | ||
| Nothing like you bring a gal back home like, hey, what's up? | ||
| Look at the view of the city. | ||
| No, there's none of that, bro. | ||
| For two million dollars, you get a shack. | ||
| Two bed, one and a half bath. | ||
| Yeah, with fucking old bullshit linoleum. | ||
| Shitty sink with the ring, where the fucking water, the dirt has just stayed. | ||
| And those old LA, LA loves doing like, in the 60s, they love doing like, or in the 50s maybe, pink, like pink and green bathrooms. | ||
| So is like pink tile. | ||
| Yeah, and they leave that and all that. | ||
| I was just looking through Art Deco? | ||
| Is that Art Deco? | ||
| Yeah, or just bad decision making. | ||
| You were looking at a place today? | ||
| Yeah, just before I came here. | ||
| What are you guys looking at? | ||
| Just Hollywood Hills on the other side. | ||
| Hills are nice. | ||
| Yeah, but it's a nightmare, all that stuff. | ||
| You think about it, they're like, oh, the drainage. | ||
| I went to a super rich dude's house. | ||
| How much is that one? | ||
| Take a guess. | ||
| Two million dollars. | ||
| A little more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No fucking way! | |
| Not much more, but yeah, 2.2. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Well, you know why? | ||
| Because it's a duplex. | ||
| They split it. | ||
| Those are two apartments they rent, right? | ||
| I guess. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah, that's two. | ||
| On one side is a door. | ||
| Oh, the right and left are doors? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So what LA does is they take these old buildings, split them like that, so then they can make twice the money. | ||
| The property can't be worth that much. | ||
| It's just the fact that they can rent it to two people. | ||
| That's a lot of money, man. | ||
| Oh my god, that little tiny-ass house is 1.5 million. | ||
| 1.5. | ||
| How big is it? | ||
| A thousand square feet! | ||
| A thousand square feet, 1.5 million dollars. | ||
| That's the size of this studio right here. | ||
| That's the size of where the mics are inside of here. | ||
| It's pretty close. | ||
| A thousand square feet is really... | ||
| I mean, if you're one dude living by yourself, like maybe you got a dog. | ||
| Yeah, but like then that one dude would just rent. | ||
| He probably should, unless he's just real simple. | ||
| There's those people that buy those miniature houses. | ||
| Ever seen those? | ||
| Tiny house. | ||
| Yeah, tiny house. | ||
| Dude, you want to talk about wormhole shit. | ||
| I got into that so deep, dude. | ||
| I was like, what if I did that? | ||
| What if I did the tiny house shit? | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| You know, there's a show that I'm addicted to. | ||
| It's called Life Below Zero. | ||
| I watched three episodes the other day. | ||
| Wait, is it the people in Alaska? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I love that show. | ||
| I watched two episodes the other day and one actually yesterday. | ||
| But the one I watched yesterday, there's this dude who lives in a place called, I think it's called Shandalar. | ||
| It's way above the Arctic Circle. | ||
| And this fucking guy lives by himself. | ||
| And apparently he used to be married and he has kids somewhere. | ||
| Yeah, his name's Glenn. | ||
| Glenn Vilneux or something like that. | ||
| Shout out to Glenn. | ||
| Smart dude, too, which is weird. | ||
| He lives solo. | ||
| Solo. | ||
| No one's around him. | ||
| He lives in a room, not even half the, that's homeboy right there. | ||
| He lives in a room, not even half the size of the studio. | ||
| And he just has a bunch of shit, like, stacked in that room. | ||
| Maybe it's like, I'm exaggerating, maybe it's half the size. | ||
| That's his tent. | ||
| Above the Arctic Circle. | ||
| Oh, is he naked there? | ||
| Yeah, it says his song. | ||
| Can we see his hog? | ||
| The show is Diesel, dude! | ||
| See, here's the thing about these things, like, you gotta realize that on these shows, there's a lot of the stuff they do is just bullshit. | ||
| They just do it for camera. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Like, what would be good in an episode today? | ||
| Well, maybe I can make my own sauna. | ||
| Yeah, make a sauna, dude. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Like, would he really be making a sauna? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But what this guy does is just, he goes out and shoots moose and caribou. | ||
| He eats almost exclusively meat. | ||
| He lives where there's fucking no plants. | ||
| I mean, there's trees. | ||
| Can't grow. | ||
| But you're not growing jack shit. | ||
| No, can't grow. | ||
| There's wolves in his yard. | ||
| He had to shoot wolves once. | ||
| They were in his backyard. | ||
| He had to shoot them because they were coming for his food. | ||
| I see him training the wolves. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He starts training them and shit. | ||
| So you don't really train wolves. | ||
| You train those bitch-ass half-wolves that become dogs. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| They turn into his sauna wolves, his sauna dogs. | ||
| Unless you're like Beastmaster. | ||
| You have like a special bracelet and you walk through the forest and they all follow you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| Everybody wanted to be that, right? | ||
| Remember Beastmaster? | ||
| Remember that show? | ||
| Fucking dude like always had like a hawk landing on his shoulder and shit. | ||
| Just go like this and a bird would land on him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Didn't he have like a fucking mountain lion or something that hung around with him too and walked with him everywhere? | ||
| Like his guardian, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, like here he is. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Those ferrets are like pigeon, kite pigeons in New York, you know what I mean? | ||
| The parrots distribute messages throughout the forest. | ||
| Do you know ferrets were illegal in some places for a while as to pets? | ||
| Too much anal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| People are shoving them up their ass. | ||
| I don't think that's ferrets. | ||
| They'll get him with a hawk on his hand. | ||
| Is that an eagle? | ||
| Look that up. | ||
| Why were ferrets illegal? | ||
| I think they thought they were aggressive, which is hilarious. | ||
| You think about how many dogs people have that are just ridiculously aggressive. | ||
| Bite people's faces off and shit. | ||
| Yeah, I had a fucking Golden Retriever attack my Golden Retriever and bite his face when we were on a run the other day. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| I just pulled him apart and he yelled at the guy to control his fucking dog. | ||
| And what does he do? | ||
| The guy was so weak. | ||
| Like, the dog pulled and the guy comically fell to his ass, feet up in the air, from a dog. | ||
| I mean, it's a 70 pound dog. | ||
| It's not a big dog. | ||
| And it yanked him right? | ||
| And he said, like, the dog's a problem. | ||
| It bites things and tries to bite people. | ||
| I'm like, well, you got a bad dog, man. | ||
| Put a fucking muzzle on it or something. | ||
| Yeah, figure it out. | ||
| But he can't even hold the dog. | ||
| Like, there's people that have animals that they're just hoping nothing goes wrong. | ||
| They have zero control over that thing. | ||
| And this thing pulled, and this guy, like, whoop! | ||
| Feet went flying. | ||
| Like a cartoon. | ||
| He was so weak. | ||
| And then when I separated the dogs, he tried to pull the dog back. | ||
| He couldn't pull the dog back. | ||
| I'm like, come on, man. | ||
| Like, you shouldn't have this dog. | ||
| It's not even a big dog. | ||
| You should have a fucking Chihuahua. | ||
| It's an emasculating moment for a guy to, like, have another man be like, hey, what are you doing, guy? | ||
| I'm like, control your fucking dog. | ||
| I don't want to hurt the dog, but the dog's biting my dog. | ||
| Well, you have to stop it in some way. | ||
| You have to do something in some way. | ||
| There's two instincts. | ||
| Instinct number one is kick it and knock it away. | ||
| Push it away. | ||
| Instinct number two is grab a rock and smash this fucking thing. | ||
| I'm fighting that instinct. | ||
| Because that dog is like my little buddy. | ||
| You have to protect yours. | ||
| Yes, but he's a sweetie, too. | ||
| He's not growling at anything any time ever. | ||
| He's just a fun... | ||
| Just got attacked. | ||
| Happy dog, and this dog's biting onto his face, and he's yiping, and I'm trying to figure out what to do, and this fucking guy, feet up in the air! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoops! | |
| He was of no use. | ||
| So I have to assume this dog's not going to do anything to me, even though it's biting me. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck is wrong with this dog. | ||
| It's not a pit bull or something like that. | ||
| If it was a pit bull, I would have known, like, okay, we've got to go wide berth here, fuck away from this thing. | ||
| I know how those things behave, but this is just like, why is this dog doing this? | ||
| That'll be the next reality show, is fight the owner. | ||
| Like, you know, the dog's getting the thing, and then you're like, all right, well, me and you have to fight now. | ||
| There's people that have dogs that don't even understand dogs. | ||
| They don't know that they have to be the alpha. | ||
| They don't know how to go, hey, cut the fucking shit! | ||
| Because they just get a dog. | ||
| They just get a dog and they just figure everything will figure itself out. | ||
| You know who's badass with dogs? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Whitney Cummings. | ||
| You know, I just got a puppy and I called her. | ||
| She gave me crazy good advice. | ||
| Dude, she doesn't fuck around. | ||
| In her house, she goes, I walk through my dogs. | ||
| I don't walk around them. | ||
| I walk through them. | ||
| She goes, and they don't lie on top of me and they don't get to lick my face. | ||
| I was like, whoa. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| Let me tell you. | ||
| Shout out to her. | ||
| She gave me so much great advice. | ||
| I literally was like, hey man, do you have a little bit of time to tell me about it? | ||
| I mean like a computer. | ||
| She was like, do, don't, do, don't, do, don't. | ||
| She named everything perfectly. | ||
| She's like, don't make this mistake. | ||
| Don't do this. | ||
| People do this shit all the time. | ||
| It's wrong. | ||
| She laid it out great. | ||
| And now the puppy's almost perfectly potty trained. | ||
| And I just got it. | ||
| I saved my best friends. | ||
| True. | ||
| Adopted dogs. | ||
| Yeah, she's one of the smartest people I know. | ||
| But a puppy's an asshole, by the way. | ||
| Puppies are assholes. | ||
| Puppies are assholes? | ||
| Oh, so hard to deal with, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I'm waking up in the middle of the night pissing and wanting to piss like every two hours. | ||
| They're babies. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| I learned fast. | ||
| I was like, it'll sleep a little bit in the night. | ||
| When was the last time you had a dog? | ||
| Years ago. | ||
| Do you have crates? | ||
| Do you keep being crates? | ||
| Yeah, you gotta keep being crates. | ||
| The crate thing. | ||
| They don't mind. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| They think, oh, you're putting your dog in a cage. | ||
| No, they like it. | ||
| They like it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's comforting. | |
| Yeah, because they feel like... | ||
| Well, even when she shits, she finds a thing that feels like it's covering her. | ||
| She likes to be covered when she shits. | ||
| I mean, she's a lady, first of all. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| She wants to hide her shit. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| But same thing. | ||
| When she goes in the crate, she likes it when my shirt's on top of it because it feels like it's a little cave. | ||
| You know what's the most bizarre to me is people in New York City who live in these little ass apartments stacked on top of each other and they have dogs. | ||
| Great Danes. | ||
| Like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| How are you doing this? | ||
| Like, you have to... | ||
| That is a job. | ||
| You have an extra job. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, it's not like you just let... | ||
| I can let my dog out in the yard. | ||
| Hey, buddy, you got a shit? | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| Open up the door. | ||
| He's gone. | ||
| Goes and takes a shit. | ||
| There, you got to take it down an elevator. | ||
| You got to go somewhere. | ||
| Or downstairs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What if you're in a walk-up? | ||
| Right? | ||
| You gotta walk down seven flights of stairs at two o'clock in the morning because your dog has diarrhea? | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| This lady is walking down the street with a goddamn horse. | ||
| That is one of the biggest dogs I've ever seen. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Mary lives in a 400 square foot, two bed, two bath. | ||
| My friend's daughter just moved to New York City. | ||
| She got a job in New York City and she moved to this place where she pays $1,200 for a room that doesn't even have a sink. | ||
| In Manhattan. | ||
| In Manhattan. | ||
| They have a community bathroom down the hall. | ||
| Dude, that is so gross. | ||
| She has a hot plate. | ||
| She has a hot plate in her room, and there's no room for anything. | ||
| No refrigerator, no none of that shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's a room. | ||
| No. | ||
| You bought a room. | ||
| It's so little. | ||
| She has a bed. | ||
| There's a bed that sits there, and then there's like, she has this little tiny area where there's a shelf, and then she has a hot plate that sits on the shelf. | ||
| That's it! | ||
| That's it. | ||
| If you have clothes, you gotta stack them up in boxes on the ground. | ||
| The best city in the world, baby! | ||
| $1,200. | ||
| Now, think if you're a kid. | ||
| She's only 21. Think if you're a kid and you move to New York. | ||
| How much are you making? | ||
| Are you even making $1,200 a month? | ||
| I mean, you might make $400, $500 a week before taxes, right? | ||
| And then if taxes come, you might be down to $4, right? | ||
| So what are you doing? | ||
| You're paying $1,200 and you're making $16? | ||
| So you're living off of $400 a week to walk around and take cabs and get food. | ||
| Fuck all that. | ||
| I mean, that's literally why I moved to LA when I started comedy. | ||
| I was going to go to New York and I thought... | ||
| A buddy was like, you can be broke in LA and get away with it. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He's like, you can't be broke in New York. | ||
| Yeah, when I lived in New York, I was doing road gigs. | ||
| And I couldn't afford to live in Manhattan, so I lived in New Rochelle. | ||
| I got a place in New Rochelle with a little driveway. | ||
| I rented, like, it was the bottom half of a house. | ||
| And there's like a little driveway, I could park the car right in front of my bedroom. | ||
| So if someone fucked with it, I could hear it. | ||
| It was the only option. | ||
| That wasn't cheap either. | ||
| But living in the city was just impossible. | ||
| It was like hundreds of dollars a month just for a parking spot. | ||
| Yeah, I knew I could never afford that. | ||
| That's why I moved to LA. Someone was telling me, they were like, you can get away with paying $400 a month in LA to have a room in a place with roommates. | ||
| And I was like, oh, that's perfect. | ||
| Well, I think comics are doing it right. | ||
| Like, there's a lot of, like, Tony Hinchcliffe, when he lived out here, when he first moved here, he lived with, like, three other guys, and, like, they all split the rent on a small one-bedroom apartment or two-bedroom apartment. | ||
| You can get away with that. | ||
| And then it's fun. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| It is fun. | ||
| You know what's not fun, though? | ||
| The one guy who doesn't make it. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| He still calls you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you guys up to? | ||
| Hey, you think I'd get a spot at the Ice House? | ||
| Hey, man, you're breaking up. | ||
| I gotta go. | ||
| I'm in the hill. | ||
| I'm on the hill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But that's always funny because there's always one. | ||
| The guys that I moved out here, or the guys when I moved out here, they're all doing good stuff. | ||
| Not comics, but they're all doing good stuff, which is wild. | ||
| It's good if they're not comics. | ||
| Yeah, they weren't comics. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| That was easier for me, because I also think competition in those places gets kind of thick, you know? | ||
| It could. | ||
| It depends on who you live with. | ||
| Some guy gets on, some guy, you know, you watch one dude get a lot of rise, and then everyone else is like, why the fuck is he getting so much rise? | ||
| It becomes this, you know, I've only lived with, the only comic I've ever lived with was Duncan. | ||
| That was only for like six months. | ||
| Love him. | ||
| It might not even have been six months. | ||
| Somewhere in the neighborhood of six months. | ||
| I never lived with a comic, I think. | ||
| He got booted out of his house, though. | ||
| He was living with a gal, and then they had a little bit of a struggle. | ||
| And he called me up from a motel, and I'm like, come on, live with me, man! | ||
| Fuck it! | ||
| Come on, dude, party! | ||
| This big old house, living by myself. | ||
| Like, let's have some fun. | ||
| And he actually used my isolation tank to get over his breakup. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he got in that tank every day. | ||
| He would smoke weed and get in the tank and think about life. | ||
| And just let it sit. | ||
| And just realized, and wrote a journal, and then left it behind, so I've read every page of it. | ||
| Called him up, and I was like, dude, what is all this gay shit? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| What do you got here? | ||
| First couple of pages, I love anal. | ||
| They're like, no! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did I really leave that? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You don't mind if I put it online, right? | ||
| Page for page. | ||
| To this day, I don't know where that is. | ||
| Might have got lost in one of my moves. | ||
| Might just turn it up somewhere. | ||
| I was gonna say, you should do a time release, like every day a new page gets released online? | ||
| It wasn't really that bad. | ||
| It was just him, you know, like getting out of the tank and just sorting his head out. | ||
| What's the first thing you think of when you get out of the tank? | ||
| Oh, it's very different every time. | ||
| I mean, most of the time when I get in the tank, I'm just trying to chill out. | ||
| I always have so many plates spinning. | ||
| There's so many different things I'm always thinking about, like this podcast, who's the future guest, when am I doing stand-up, what bit am I working on, oh, the UFC's coming up, oh, have I watched this guy fight before? | ||
| I've got to make sure that I get my views in on different styles and stuff and have my ideas about what I think about these matchups. | ||
| You don't sleep. | ||
| I sleep. | ||
| You sleep in there? | ||
| No, in the tank? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| No, I don't sleep in there. | ||
| Can people sleep in the tank? | ||
| Yes, you definitely can. | ||
| I would imagine that your own snores, though, would echo off the walls a little bit. | ||
| Maybe that would wake you up. | ||
| But I'm sure I've passed out in there before. | ||
| I'm sure I have. | ||
| The many years that I've been doing it. | ||
| I first got one 16 years ago. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah, that's when I first got a tank. | ||
| I got one in 2002. That's wild. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you do the cryo freeze too? | ||
| I do that too, yeah. | ||
| Do you like that? | ||
| I'll tell you what, man. | ||
| I really prefer sauna. | ||
| It takes more time. | ||
| But I really like how saunas make me feel. | ||
| But cryo gives you a... | ||
| I shouldn't say I prefer it. | ||
| Here's the problem. | ||
| I have a sauna here. | ||
| So I'm biased that I can just turn it on and I'll do it way more often. | ||
| I have to drive to the cryo place. | ||
| Park my car. | ||
| Take my clothes off. | ||
| Just get a cryo machine here. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's very complicated. | ||
| You have to have a license. | ||
| You're carrying liquid nitrogen. | ||
| Just get a dude to stay here. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| Get a cryo dude. | ||
| Jamie would like that. | ||
| You want a cryo dude hanging around? | ||
| I was thinking about that one girl that died in Vegas because she was doing it without supervision. | ||
| How long was she in it for? | ||
| She did a different kind. | ||
| See, there's two different kinds. | ||
| There's the kind that uses liquid nitrogen, and then you stand in this liquid nitrogen, and in that kind, it's only from the neck down. | ||
| So your head is not being frozen. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's not as effective. | ||
| It's effective. | ||
| It definitely does something, but it doesn't do as much as the one where you're standing at 250 degree below zero air. | ||
| That's the one that I go to. | ||
| That's Cryo Healthcare. | ||
| They're in L.A. on La Cienega. | ||
| And then they're about five miles away from here in Woodland Hills. | ||
| So you're just getting like a chamber. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Underwear and gloves. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Because you've got to protect the extremities, right? | ||
| You wear like Crocs on your feet, something rubber on your feet, like rubber clogs rather. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because... | ||
| You're gonna wear socks. | ||
| Socks go up to your ankles or up to your calves rather like because your skin can freeze. | ||
| Like you can get frostbite. | ||
| Like I know people that have been in there too long and they've got a little bit of burning sensation on their legs. | ||
| How long is too long? | ||
| The most I've ever done is 3 minutes and 40 seconds. | ||
| They don't let you do more than, I think, a minute and a half on your first one. | ||
| They want to make sure that you don't freak out, you're not too sensitive, and then you build your way up to three minutes is the max. | ||
| The only reason why I went further than that is because there was a guy who worked there, and we were just trying to figure out what you can take. | ||
| Yeah, I was going to say, you did it because you wanted to. | ||
| I wanted to see if I could take. | ||
| Did you do it? | ||
| I've done twice, I think. | ||
| Two minutes max is for me. | ||
| I felt like at four, I felt like at four minutes I would have had real problems. | ||
| I was like, I was on the door of real problems at three minutes and forty seconds. | ||
| Does your brain start, do you feel stuff, like, does your head start getting fucked up? | ||
| It's hard to concentrate. | ||
| It's hard to stay cool. | ||
| Like, the whole deal is just, like, stay chill. | ||
| Cool it out, man, while we almost kill your body. | ||
| Almost kill your body. | ||
| While we almost freeze you. | ||
| But you keep it together. | ||
| You don't want to freak out. | ||
| But then my legs started involuntary bucking. | ||
| They were doing this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's your body saying, this isn't, we gotta, this is not. | ||
| I was like, okay. | ||
| So my rational brain was still like 30% operational maybe at that point. | ||
| Maybe 40%. | ||
| You're like, you know, I'm thinking that, you couldn't do math problems. | ||
| Yeah, you're not thinking clear. | ||
| You could do math problems for the first 30 seconds. | ||
| And then you'd be like, holy fuck! | ||
| What if you just thought about one math problem over and over in your brain and circulated that shit until the end? | ||
| And if you focused on it so hard, then when you started to forget how to do it, then you know you're out. | ||
| Then you can't do it anymore. | ||
| Well, one thing I do do is I do that Wim Hof breathing method, where I take these gigantic breaths, and then I let out 20%, and then I take another breath, like as deep as I can get my lungs, let out 20%, and I concentrate on doing that, and time flies by. | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| That's what those deep divers do, right? | ||
| Those guys that go to those, don't they do that? | ||
| Don't they, because they learn how to store breath? | ||
| I don't know what they do. | ||
| Have you ever seen those videos where those guys dive in those dive tanks that they have set up? | ||
| But the way they do it, it looks like they take in tons of breath, they let out a little bit, and they keep taking it in as if they're just storing it in the sacks in their lungs. | ||
| I would think that that's not just storing oxygen, too, that you'd be storing carbon dioxide, right? | ||
| Because you're not breathing it out. | ||
| Yeah, but they breathe out a little bit at a time. | ||
| How the fuck do you convert oxygen to carbon dioxide? | ||
| I've always just accepted that. | ||
| I never thought about it. | ||
| The fact that air goes in. | ||
| Why isn't air going out? | ||
| What the fuck is happening? | ||
| It's only going right there. | ||
| How does it turn into carbon dioxide? | ||
| It's just a little dude. | ||
| It's just going in there, and then it comes right out. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I converted. | ||
| Yeah, right now. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| You're a big conversion machine. | ||
| That's what we all are. | ||
| Yeah, big conversion machine. | ||
| We're big carbon dioxide conversion machines. | ||
| You learn that kind of stuff? | ||
| Like how quickly things happen when my college roommate had gout? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Where blood turns around? | ||
| My friend Jeff had that. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It's like your fingers or your hands. | ||
| Anything where blood has a long... | ||
| It's his feet. | ||
| Yeah, feet. | ||
| It's usually legs and feet. | ||
| And I never understood it until I looked it up when he had it. | ||
| And I was like, how do you get gout? | ||
| And everything online is like... | ||
| 50 plus is at risk, you know, like high blood pressure. | ||
| I mean, this kid was 20 years old. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Shouldn't have had it. | ||
| You know they call it King's disease? | ||
| Yeah, because they were fat and ate and drank all day. | ||
| They just drank wine and their feet would go numb. | ||
| You know how fucking awesome that is? | ||
| Especially when everybody else is starving. | ||
| People are like, please, sir. | ||
| Nah! | ||
| Let me rest my swollen, dead feet on your head. | ||
| I've been watching Vikings. | ||
| I get into that show Vikings. | ||
| I've never seen it. | ||
| Pretty goddamn good show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's good? | |
| I was super skeptical. | ||
| People were telling me it was good. | ||
| I was like, it's on regular TV. How the fuck can it be any good? | ||
| What was it on? | ||
| It was on History Channel. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Which is another one. | ||
| It's on History Channel. | ||
| But it's a drama? | ||
| How the fuck? | ||
| It's based on historical facts, apparently. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Ragnar, Ragnar Lothbrok, that's his name, but it's a fucking badass show. | ||
| But one of the things that's crazy about the show is you really stop and think, well, this is really how it worked, like how kings treated regular people. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| They really got away with that, and all they were was just a regular guy. | ||
| Like, they didn't have superpowers, and everybody would just bow down to him, sire, and they would kiss the rings, and they would just let them do whatever the fuck they wanted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's so weird. | ||
| Fear of death, dude. | ||
| But it's crazy that even the army would listen to this guy. | ||
| Like, that anybody would listen. | ||
| That's weirder, that the army listened to one dude. | ||
| Occasionally they would go, fuck you, and they'd kill the guy, and then a new guy would rise. | ||
| That's what we should be doing. | ||
| We should do all that shit now. | ||
| Dude, did you see the video of Trump talking about taxes? | ||
| What he said. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can chuck it at one guy saying, I'm going to charge you 25 more percent. | |
| Let's play it. | ||
| It's on my Instagram. | ||
| I sent it out yesterday. | ||
| It is fucking amazing that that's the price. | ||
| There's two parts of me, man. | ||
| There's one part of me that loves this. | ||
| Oh, dude, I love it. | ||
| One part of me that's going, ha! | ||
| It's great material. | ||
| There's so many fakes and phonies and ridiculous career politicians that have to watch this guy say, listen, motherfuckers, you're going to pay 25% taxes, and everybody goes crazy and cheers. | ||
| Because they can't believe he's really saying it. | ||
| But it's the stuff that they would say, too, if they didn't have any reservations. | ||
| Well, it's maybe. | ||
| I think a lot of those guys are just like that. | ||
| Let's play it, because it's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, what would you do? | |
| What can you do? | ||
| So easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I drop a 25% tax on China. | |
| China. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you know, I said to somebody that is really the messenger. | |
| The messenger is important. | ||
| I could have one man say, we're going to tax you 25%. | ||
| And I could say another, listen you motherfuckers, we're going to tax you 25%. | ||
| I'm telling you, man. | ||
| Look, I'm not in favor of the wall. | ||
| I'm pro-immigration. | ||
| I'm not in favor of these ice busts and all that jazz, but shit like that wins me over. | ||
| I said... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just love the fact that the guy is the fucking president. | |
| And he said, listen, you motherfuckers, you're going to pay 25% taxes. | ||
| It says it years before the campaign. | ||
| It doesn't say how many years. | ||
| Oh, is it? | ||
| Is it 2011? | ||
| Oh, it's old. | ||
| But he looks the same. | ||
| That makes more sense. | ||
| You know what's so funny? | ||
| I was talking about it on stage. | ||
| It's still ridiculous. | ||
| I'm so tired of being yelled at online about people hate him. | ||
| Listen, I'm not a huge fan of him either, but so many people are like, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, that now I kind of like him. | ||
| Exactly! | ||
| Do you know how enough people say shit and you're like, fuck you, I'm so tired of you telling me your opinion. | ||
| It's all the same, too. | ||
| Also, what annoys me is when someone goes, fucking moron. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| That's what you did? | ||
| That's not doing anything by going, hey Trump, suck my dick! | ||
| Alright, dude. | ||
| Well, you got him. | ||
| Here's my take on that. | ||
| If it's that, if it's fucking moron, you're not even supposed to listen. | ||
| That's supposed to not even go in. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Because this is not effective communication. | ||
| So if you engage that guy, you just completely waste your time. | ||
| Even if you get upset at it, you completely waste your time. | ||
| I wipe it away. | ||
| But I see it and I'm like, oh, come on. | ||
| The one that gets me is Nazi. | ||
| Fucking Nazi. | ||
| Nazi. | ||
| Oh, yeah, he's a Nazi and you're a Nazi. | ||
| Fascist! | ||
| They throw these words around and they really don't even know what the fuck they're saying. | ||
| Like, if you really think that everybody who likes Trump is a Nazi, you're missing... | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| You're missing a giant point. | ||
| You're fucking up everything. | ||
| You're ruining this conversation. | ||
| You're right about a lot of the shit he does wrong. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But as soon as you say he's a Nazi... | ||
| Right. | ||
| ...and that there's Nazis. | ||
| Everyone's a Nazi. | ||
| Well, then when real Nazis come around, you better have a better name. | ||
| New... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you can't... | ||
| Cool Nazis. | ||
| You can't fucking take the word Nazi and apply it to shit that's not Nazis. | ||
| That's dangerous. | ||
| People say it all the time. | ||
| That's a real specific word. | ||
| Like, call someone a murderer. | ||
| Why'd you call him a murderer? | ||
| Because he yelled an insult at that man. | ||
| Okay, that's not a murderer. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| It's the same thing with calling someone a Nazi that's not a Nazi. | ||
| He might be a moron. | ||
| He might be a fool. | ||
| He might be into Trump just because he's a dumb guy and he likes the fact there's a white guy in office. | ||
| But that doesn't mean he's a Nazi. | ||
| It's also like, the biggest problem that I have is like, it's still illegal to be an asshole. | ||
| It's not illegal to be a dick, right? | ||
| If someone says something you don't like, it's not against the law. | ||
| So like this idea of you tagging someone like they're the biggest criminal in the world because they said something you don't like is crazy to me. | ||
| People are allowed to not fucking think what you think is right. | ||
| Right, and they're trying to redefine what's acceptable by calling words violence. | ||
| Like, they're calling, saying things is violence. | ||
| Hate speech. | ||
| Well, hate speech is real, right? | ||
| I don't know, though. | ||
| See, that's funny. | ||
| You don't think that's real if you say something like, fuck the Jews, I hate all Jews, Jews should die? | ||
| That's hate speech. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| To me, it's this. | ||
| If a guy said, fuck the Jews, I disagree with what he says. | ||
| You should say, how do you fuck them? | ||
| Do you fuck them in the ass? | ||
| Do you fuck them in the front? | ||
| Do you mouth fuck them? | ||
| Do you go around the world? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Do you kvetch after? | ||
| No. | ||
| But I think it's like... | ||
| Listen, that person... | ||
| Hate speech to me is just a big, huge term that can encompass so many things. | ||
| I don't really know what it is. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Does it incite violence? | ||
| If I said fuck the Jews, does that incite violence? | ||
| It shouldn't. | ||
| No, that's just that. | ||
| If I said fuck your shirt. | ||
| It only incites violence. | ||
| That didn't incite you to tear his shirt off. | ||
| I was pretty close. | ||
| As soon as you, the way you said shirt, I was like, yeah. | ||
| Leading a shirt revolution? | ||
| Yeah, fuck shirts. | ||
| Take your fucking shirt off, Jimmy. | ||
| You win a fucking shirt, bro? | ||
| Seriously, bro? | ||
| The only way fuck the Jews works is if someone also thinks fuck the Jews, and then you like find like-minded shitheads. | ||
| But that's gonna happen no matter what. | ||
| But it's not gonna happen if you don't say it. | ||
| So the idea is like, can you suppress it? | ||
| Here's the problem with stopping hate speech, is like, who's to decide? | ||
| Because they're pushing the boundary with hate speech so far now. | ||
| Like if you call a trans woman a man, that's hate speech. | ||
| No, no, what if that's just an accident? | ||
| Yeah, it's still accidental hate speech. | ||
| Why? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Because we live in a new world. | ||
| No, see, I can't accept that. | ||
| You don't go online enough. | ||
| If you do it out of malice, like if someone's like, hey, I'm Margaret, and a guy goes, no, no, I'm not going to call you that. | ||
| Then that's them being proactively prejudiced, right? | ||
| Them being a dick. | ||
| They're being an asshole. | ||
| But some people are of the opinion that this is all nonsense. | ||
| But if it's an accident, that's not hate speech. | ||
| I'm not taking their point, but I do want to play devil's advocate. | ||
| Because I've had conversations with people who are pretty intelligent people that say, this is all nonsense. | ||
| And then this trans stuff, and this is a trendy thing that people are really getting into, and some people are really... | ||
| Distort like their perceptions of reality is really distorted and they're being talked into this because it's a thing that a lot of people are doing it and so they're getting and I'm I hear that I go wow I don't know if I believe that people are willing to Transition to another sex because they're confused. | ||
| That's a big leap. | ||
| It's a giant ass leap But here's the other leap the leap is you telling someone whether or not they feel a certain way And then the other leap here's the other leap. | ||
| What do you give a fuck? | ||
| If Bruce Jenner wants to become Caitlyn Jenner, I'll call her Caitlyn. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| But if she thinks I'm going to stop making fun of her, she's out of her fucking mind. | ||
| Okay, but that's what I mean. | ||
| So you should be allowed to just... | ||
| You should be allowed to mock at a freedom that you would anyway. | ||
| Every 6'3 person with size 14 high heels gets mocked. | ||
| Just, listen. | ||
| Around the clock. | ||
| Anybody would get made fun of for any of that in any other way. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| If you used to be a girl or used to be a dude and now you're a girl, someone's gonna make fun of you and that's just the price you pay for being a person. | ||
| But people make fun of everyone for everything. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| You have red hair. | ||
| This is my whole life. | ||
| Your whole life. | ||
| But I can't start a group against it being like, it's enough of this! | ||
| Enough! | ||
| No, just, it is what it is. | ||
| Everyone has these flaws. | ||
| The kick a ginger day? | ||
| Kick a ginger day, yeah. | ||
| That wasn't cool. | ||
| No, but you know what's so funny about that? | ||
| Those guys are so subversive. | ||
| What they're doing is showing how quickly people jump onto things and go, yeah, fuck them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| Fuck them all. | ||
| So they're so smart. | ||
| I love that episode because it was like, that could be a real, and that's how dumb people are. | ||
| People in the real world have told me, been like, dude, I wonder what kick a ginger day is. | ||
| That's real to them. | ||
| By the way, I played golf with a buddy at the country club that Caitlyn Jenner belongs to. | ||
| My first question, does she hit from the women's tees or the men's tees? | ||
| And the guy with me goes, she hits from the women's tees. | ||
| I'm like, bullshit. | ||
| See, that's bullshit. | ||
| Is it bullshit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, dude, because you're a fucking Olympian. | |
| What's the difference between the women's tees and the men's tees? | ||
| I mean like... | ||
| Distance? | ||
| 30, 40 yards, yeah. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's like doing those push-ups on your knees. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get on your toes, bitch. | ||
| But wait a minute. | ||
| She has man-structured muscle. | ||
| That didn't go away. | ||
| It's all gone. | ||
| No way. | ||
| There's no muscle. | ||
| There's no muscle left. | ||
| She's still pretty fucking jacked. | ||
| Not really, man. | ||
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm going to be honest. | ||
| I don't think she works out at all. | ||
| And she's old already, so it's not like her body has any reserves. | ||
| I still say you go back to the men's tees. | ||
| But she still has a dick, right? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| She had the operation. | ||
| Cut it off. | ||
| It's gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holla! | |
| Is it gone? | ||
| Yes, sir. | ||
| Okay, now you get women's tees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If Dick was there, you gotta go back to the black. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of fence riders out there in the trans world. | ||
| You gotta pick a side. | ||
| You gotta pick, dude. | ||
| You gotta come or go. | ||
| That's another thing they're saying. | ||
| And this I don't agree with. | ||
| They're saying that if you are a person who is male and likes women, if you are unwilling to date a trans woman, it's because you are a transphobic bigot. | ||
| Including if that trans woman still has a penis. | ||
| That's of no regard. | ||
| You know what the funniest thing of all this is? | ||
| I'm so happy to just be a cisgender... | ||
| I feel responsible for a lot of terrible things. | ||
| I'm so happy to not have to worry about it. | ||
| I don't have to worry about it. | ||
| No one's going to call me a bigot for not liking a subsect of a kind of a thing that I like. | ||
| I just like women. | ||
| That's all I know I like. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For now. | |
| They'll come around to you soon. | ||
| They're going to get you like they got Bruno Mars. | ||
| He didn't see it coming. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| What did they say? | ||
| Appropriating black culture? | ||
| Cultural appropriation. | ||
| You see how many people came to his rescue, though? | ||
| A bunch of people were like, that's bullshit. | ||
| He's a musician. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| What has he done? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing. | |
| How is he appropriating black culture? | ||
| Singing awesome? | ||
| Made good music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's all he did. | ||
| That billionaire song is a wonderful song. | ||
| Dude, he made some fucking great songs. | ||
| He's a great artist. | ||
| It's bullshit to think that people now can stab at anything that you're like, now you're just trying to cause a stir. | ||
| They take swings that sometimes don't work. | ||
| Remember when they were trying to block bossy? | ||
| Stop saying bossy. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's right. | ||
| People were like, fuck off! | ||
| Like, okay, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just trying. | |
| Just put it out. | ||
| Just want to put it out. | ||
| Just want to put it out. | ||
| Just giving it a shot. | ||
| Yeah, Bruno Mars. | ||
| They shut that down so fast. | ||
| And he didn't say anything back. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| That's my favorite shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's kind of like, you know how like Samsung and all these other phone companies, they make ads about iPhones. | ||
| You know, all their ads are based on fuck iPhones. | ||
| Apple never makes a response. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| That's the coolest move is to be like, whatever, man. | ||
| Yeah, that Samsung ad is stupid. | ||
| That Samsung ad when they walk past the people waiting in line for an iPhone. | ||
| Dude, they've always had those. | ||
| Samsung's always been like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. | ||
| It's like the annoying little brother and you're like, oh dude, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Just do your own thing. | ||
| They make the best, second best phones. | ||
| You're the second best phone in the world, man. | ||
| You make the best, second best phones. | ||
| You're the number one at making the number two phones. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| The Google phone is probably better. | ||
| I think the Samsung probably sells more. | ||
| What do you got here? | ||
| What about this ad? | ||
| That was the iMac. | ||
| I'm a Mac, I'm a PC. I'm a Mac, I'm a PC. Yeah, those were so dumb. | ||
| But those were in the 90s, man. | ||
| I'm saying currently they don't run any ads like that anymore. | ||
| That's the guy from Drag Me to Hell, right? | ||
| No, what was the movie he was in? | ||
| What was his name? | ||
| Justin Long? | ||
| What was that movie he was in? | ||
| He was in a great fucking horror movie. | ||
| Like a real classic campy horror movie. | ||
| Oh, he was in Kevin Smith's one. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| He was in Tusk, right. | ||
| But that's not the one I'm talking about. | ||
| There was one that he was in... | ||
| Pull back up with that. | ||
| That is right, though. | ||
| That is funny. | ||
| I forgot about those ads. | ||
| That's how long ago that was. | ||
| I've been using Windows to write lately. | ||
| I use Windows 10. It's fucking great. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with it. | ||
| Like, Windows 10 is, in my opinion, just as good... | ||
| Nerd, pretty boy. | ||
| Oh, they're arguing with each other. | ||
| Mac versus PC. Windows 10 is just as good as Mac. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a little different, but it doesn't crash. | ||
| I'm not having any problems with it. | ||
| It works great. | ||
| But I'm not even going to lie. | ||
| I'm not going to be one of these people. | ||
| You know, like, Jamie's a fucking tech genius. | ||
| He's a wizard. | ||
| Yeah, he's a genius. | ||
| When someone says the excuse of, like, why do you have a Mac, and someone goes, well, dude, it's great for the arts, and it does this and this, I don't even lie. | ||
| I go, dude, I... Jeepers Creepers. | ||
| Jeepers Creepers. | ||
| No, he was in that, but it was another one. | ||
| It wasn't really good. | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| The guy who drove the old truck. | ||
| The mean devil guy with the wings that drove the old truck. | ||
| Loved it. | ||
| It probably made 18 bucks. | ||
| It was probably Joe's 18 bucks. | ||
| What was the other movie? | ||
| I thought you were thinking of Die Hard. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| He was in... | ||
| See, go to his... | ||
| You know that movie was good that he did? | ||
| The restaurant movie was pretty funny too. | ||
| Waiting was good. | ||
| He was definitely in a horror movie recently. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Stop looking at images. | ||
| You're like a little kid with your fucking Instagram. | ||
| You can't look at real words. | ||
| Where's the picture of the movie he was in? | ||
| What is that right there? | ||
| What does that say? | ||
| Am I confusing him with somebody else? | ||
| Yeah, you gotta be. | ||
| There was some hell movie where he had to go to hell. | ||
| Drag Me to Hell or something like that? | ||
| I feel like Drag Me to Hell is a movie about a chick that was murdered and came back to life. | ||
| If that's the story, that's a great story. | ||
| I think that's what it was. | ||
| I never saw it. | ||
| He's in that though. | ||
| He's the boyfriend. | ||
| He is? | ||
| He's in that one too? | ||
| Yeah, he's the boyfriend. | ||
| Well, maybe that's the one you're talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
2009? | |
| No. | ||
| That was just a year ago. | ||
| Let me see what it looks like. | ||
| Okay, that is it. | ||
| That is it. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I never saw this movie. | ||
| Okay, that is it. | ||
| It was like a witch. | ||
| Yep, that's it. | ||
| Clay Dalton. | ||
| There was another movie that sounded like Drag Me to Hell. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Is that guy shoving his fist in her throat? | ||
| That was a good movie. | ||
| That was a good stupid movie. | ||
| That Drag Me to Hell movie. | ||
| That is what the name of it was. | ||
| I was right. | ||
| I was right, but I was confused. | ||
| There's a one with a woman, like there's a woman on the cover that looks like she's like a silhouette and she's screaming. | ||
| It's something about drag, maybe drag you to hell. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Drag Me to Hell. | ||
| It's another one. | ||
| Same movie. | ||
| Same movie. | ||
| Yeah, but that's not it. | ||
| You just named that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did. | |
| You were like the woman screaming on the chair. | ||
| I did, I did, but that's not the same cover. | ||
| Joe painted it perfect. | ||
| He's like two houses in the back. | ||
| That's her. | ||
| That's not it. | ||
| No, there was another one. | ||
| I might have the name completely wrong for the movie, but it was about a woman. | ||
| See, this is hard because I didn't actually watch it, but it was about a woman who got killed and she came back and got the people who got her. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Sort of like High Plains Drifter. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| Clint Eastwood. | ||
| Oh, yes. | ||
| He was killed. | ||
| He came back to life and fucked everybody up in the town. | ||
| Yeah, that's good. | ||
| Western horror movie. | ||
| Oh, yeah, Western horror, right. | ||
| But a sneaky Western horror movie. | ||
| Like, you don't really exactly know what's going on. | ||
| How come that's gone? | ||
| There's not a Western horror anymore. | ||
| Do they do shit like that? | ||
| What was the last Western horror you saw? | ||
| There was a Western UFO movie. | ||
| Cowboys and Aliens. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah, but that's... | ||
| Is that a piece of shit? | ||
| I guess, you know what you could call now? | ||
| Like, you could do Western... | ||
| Like, No Country for Old Men could be like a western... | ||
| That was a horror movie. | ||
| That guy was a monster. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In a way. | ||
| I don't know if it's horror, but it's more like a... | ||
| Terror. | ||
| Yeah, terror. | ||
| Yeah, like a terror movie. | ||
| And that guy was a monster. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, might as well have been a demon. | ||
| That movie was fucking awesome. | ||
| How good is that fucking actor? | ||
| What is that gentleman's name with the crazy hair? | ||
| The mop on his head? | ||
| Come on, what's wrong with me? | ||
| Sorry, what movie? | ||
| No Country for Old Men. | ||
| Oh, Javier Bardem. | ||
| Bardem, yeah. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| He's a beast. | ||
| Like, you really believe that guy would murder people. | ||
| Well, you know when you look in some actor's eyes and you're like, oh, there's something real so inside of that? | ||
| He has that thing where you're like, oh, fuck. | ||
| You know, some actors just are like, oh, they're just playing a character. | ||
| Yeah, when they don't have it, it drives me nuts. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| That guy. | ||
| Look at that shit! | ||
| Look at his fucking eyes. | ||
| Zoom in on his fucking eyes. | ||
| Zoom in on his eyes, Jamie. | ||
| What movie is this from? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Is that a new movie? | ||
| Might be. | ||
| Loving Pablo? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| He looks exactly like him. | ||
| Did he gain a bunch of weight for that? | ||
| He's always been kind of a thick dude, though. | ||
| But look at the picture of him above on the blue shirt, right above that. | ||
| Yeah, that blue shirt. | ||
| He's kind of a thick dude. | ||
| Nah, not like that Pablo picture. | ||
| That Pablo picture looks like he's about 70 pounds heavier. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at how fucked that was. | ||
| Fucking psycho. | ||
| He was a good psycho. | ||
| That movie's a fucked up movie because it just ends. | ||
| Yeah, that's why... | ||
| No Country for Old Men, like, guess what? | ||
| Sometimes bad guys get away. | ||
| Fuck off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Coen Brothers. | ||
| It was Coen Brothers, wasn't it? | ||
| He was Frankenstein? | ||
| I think that says new Frankenstein. | ||
| Oh, he's the new Frankenstein? | ||
| They're doing all the new monster movies. | ||
| He's got bleached blonde hair. | ||
| It's gay Frankenstein. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| The guy dies on the operating table getting his cheeks done. | ||
| Gay Frankenstein! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| What is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's taking his teeth out? | |
| I came back to suck your dick. | ||
| Go to the picture above that. | ||
| He's got two dicks in his neck instead of bolts. | ||
| The tan suit above it. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Tan suit. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's the gay Frankenstein. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is he... | ||
| I'm going to sell you a house and kill you. | ||
| Oh, he's a Bond villain. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| He was a Bond villain. | ||
| Yeah, he was. | ||
| That dude's a beast. | ||
| I fall. | ||
| But the problem with a guy like that is every movie that he does that's goofy takes away from the way you see him if you see him in a movie like this. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, every movie, like, No Country for Old Men is so 100% legit that... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That if he does a Bond movie and he's in some stupid karate scene where he's gonna like throw sidekicks and the guy kicks him in the balls and he bends over and the guy uppercuts him and it looks corny as shit. | ||
| It takes away. | ||
| But there's like only so many actors that got away. | ||
| Like Daniel Day-Lewis is like the only dude that only did shit he wanted to do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Almost everybody else does things where you're like, Why did you do that? | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, they all have to. | ||
| Well, nobody fucked it harder than De Niro. | ||
| De Niro did some of the greatest movies of all time. | ||
| And possibly the worst movies in the history of film. | ||
| And they've just done toilet water. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just mostly toilet water ever since. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you see? | |
| Did the Al Pacino Paterno thing come out yet? | ||
| When does that come out? | ||
| Have you seen that preview? | ||
| Oh, he's playing Joe Paterno? | ||
| Yes, dude. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Look at the picture. | ||
| He looks identical. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking creepy. | ||
| I wonder if they're gonna show that Joe Paterno knew those kids were getting molested. | ||
| Come on, dude. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Of course he knew. | ||
| Look at that! | ||
| He looks fucking identical to him. | ||
| Dude, everybody knew. | ||
| The guy was a pervert. | ||
| He was running a fucking children's charity where he's taking care of kids. | ||
| I don't want to sound like one of those guys, but I don't give a shit. | ||
| I remember when it came out, I said to a bunch of people, he's going to die soon. | ||
| Within like a month, he'll die. | ||
| And sure enough, he died shortly thereafter, this whole thing. | ||
| Yeah, because I knew it was going to kill him. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| That Sandusky thing. | ||
| Yo, so in this scene right here in the trailer, he's saying his wife is like, his wife goes, uh, well, you know, he was, he was with so-and-so. | ||
| They're kids' names. | ||
| And he goes, he was with so-and-so? | ||
| Like, his own kids. | ||
| And then it hits him that he's like, he was watching them? | ||
| So then it hits him like, oh, fuck, maybe he, maybe fuck my kids. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| That wasn't that long ago. | ||
| No. | ||
| When was that Sandusky arrest? | ||
| 2012-ish? | ||
| I was going to say probably 2013. The crazy thing is they've already gotten rid of all their sanctions and whatnot. | ||
| Penn State's already back all their penalties and whatnot. | ||
| Well, no, no, no. | ||
| I'll tell you what the real crazy thing is. | ||
| College money, baby! | ||
| The real crazy thing is the original investigator into Sandusky turned up murdered. | ||
| They found his laptop with a destroyed hard drive, and I think they never found his body. | ||
| I think he fucking vanished. | ||
|
unidentified
|
His trial was in 2012. 2012. Okay, so that was the trial. | |
| So he was arrested in 2011. Find the guy who was the original investigator who either turned up missing or murdered in his laptop. | ||
| Was found with a destroyed hard drive. | ||
| Like, someone clearly got a hold of this guy and fucking iced him because he was gonna destroy Penn State. | ||
| I mean, he was gonna take down this multi-billion dollar industry. | ||
| What happened to Ray Gricar? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| See if you get the story. | ||
| Make it larger there so I can read it with my old eyes. | ||
| Ten years ago, a prosecutor in Center County, Pennsylvania took the day off work and vanished. | ||
| Since then, the case of Ray Gricar has been one of the most intriguing and... | ||
| I don't know if I'm saying his name right. | ||
| G-R-I-C-A-R. Gricar, it sounds right. | ||
| Gricar? | ||
| Gricar? | ||
| Gricar Noir. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's one of the most intriguing and talked about missing person stories in the country. | ||
| Investigators have taken dives to the bottom of lakes dug up a grave chased more than 300 reported sightings from Arizona to North Carolina drop flyers all over Slovenia Consulted a psychic interviewed a member of Hells Angels and enlisted NASA technology But no one's been able to find the veteran disc it ditch district attorney who was 59 when he disappeared He went missing that Friday morning April 15 2005 left behind a live-in girlfriend Beautiful and successful daughter in a bank account that was supposed to fund a fast approaching retirement. | ||
| Oh, here's where the problem was He drove a red Mini Cooper. | ||
| Oh, well, a lot of those things just make people kill themselves. | ||
| As far as hard evidence goes, it's all the police have. | ||
| The best lead they got was a sighting of a woman who has not been identified. | ||
| But let's find out the conspiracy. | ||
| Because the conspiracy was that he was a part of the Sandusky investigation. | ||
| Prevailing theories. | ||
| None of this is saying any of that. | ||
| Said suicide. | ||
| Did you Google Sandusky? | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| 2011, when Penn State Coordinator Jerry Sandusky got arrested and charged with sexually abusing boys, it was revealed that Dracar, who decided not to charge Sandusky when his first victim came forward in 1998. Hmm, that's not what I've read in another story. | ||
| This guy's saying, I don't think it was a great stretch. | ||
| He was one of those guys with a very strong sense of justice and professional discipline in light of what evolved and came to be disclosed. | ||
| I speak as a forensic pathologist who's done so many suicides over the years. | ||
| And what can bring someone to that point? | ||
| It's pure conjecture, not based on any factual knowledge. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| Go back up. | ||
| Stop scrolling. | ||
| It says, the forensic pathologist said he considered writing a book about your car, his ties to the Sandusky case, and whether or not it led to suicide. | ||
| So, he said there's not enough evidence. | ||
| You'd have found him. | ||
| When people kill themselves, they want to be found. | ||
| That's why they kill themselves. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Most of the time. | ||
| Sometimes they just go in the woods and blow their brains out. | ||
| Then they find him in the fucking woods. | ||
| You don't. | ||
| You don't. | ||
| He got rid of all that shit. | ||
| Do you know how many people disappear in the woods every year? | ||
| Thousands. | ||
| In North America. | ||
| But a guy this prominent in his work and in his life that has like that many... | ||
| He's got too many trails. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| Manny Cooper. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| He's in that fucking thing. | ||
| He's like, I got a backpack and a bullet and I'm just gonna fucking hike deep enough to use all my water. | ||
| 1,600 people go missing from our public lands without a trace. | ||
| Yeah, but a lot of those people are hiking and shit too. | ||
| Oh, that's not every year. | ||
| Okay, I'm wrong. | ||
| That's like ever. | ||
| I've been reading messages about this that this happens a lot or something. | ||
| Right, but that one was saying 1,600 people are missing. | ||
| You know what I'm getting? | ||
| Here's where I'm getting my information from. | ||
| How many people kill themselves outside? | ||
| Here's where I'm getting my information from. | ||
| Bobcat Goldthwait's movie about Bigfoot. | ||
| I just realized where I'm getting my numbers from. | ||
| Because he has a movie called Willow Creek. | ||
| And it's all about Bigfoot sightings. | ||
| That's why people are creeped up with the growing number of missing persons in our national park. | ||
| Yeah, but a lot of these people go fucking hiking. | ||
| They don't go to kill themselves. | ||
| That's just people being foolish. | ||
| Well, here's the thing, man. | ||
| A buddy of mine found a skull when he was elk hunting. | ||
| Human skull. | ||
| So how long does that have to be dead for to be fucking deteriorated like that? | ||
| It was deteriorated. | ||
| First of all, animals would get to it almost immediately. | ||
| They smell it. | ||
| Birds come down. | ||
| They start picking it apart. | ||
| Coyotes find it. | ||
| Everything finds it. | ||
| But to be cleaned down to the skull, that's got to be a long time. | ||
| Quick. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, you'd be surprised. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They'll clean you down to nothing in a couple of days. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| You'd be down to bones in days. | ||
| Like, that happens all... | ||
| If there's a population of animals that are scavengers that are near your body... | ||
| Dude, a buddy of mine shot a deer, okay? | ||
| And it wasn't the best shot in the world, so he decided to let the deer bed down to die. | ||
| Like, sometimes you'll hit the deer in one lung or something like that. | ||
| It wasn't the best shot. | ||
| And the deer bed down, and it was dark. | ||
| It was getting dark. | ||
| Like, he shot it at last light, where you're legally allowed to shoot. | ||
| So they said, we're gonna come back in the morning, because it's 30 degrees outside, the meat would be fine. | ||
| They go back in the morning, there's nothing left. | ||
| Gone. | ||
| The coyotes ate everything except the fucking head. | ||
| Like, I mean everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| Like, he didn't get any of the rib meat, all the organs were gone, the legs were gone, chewed down to the bone. | ||
| He said he'd never seen anything like it. | ||
| 300-pound mule deer. | ||
| It's a big animal. | ||
| Gone. | ||
| He said he saw like six or seven coyotes that day, so he knew that coyotes were in the area. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you just take a chance. | ||
| You just like, you could do one of two things. | ||
| Either you bump the animal, which means you go and it gets filled up with adrenaline because it knows you're coming close to it, and then it runs. | ||
| And then they can run for a mile before they expire. | ||
| Or you just let it bed down there peacefully. | ||
| It'll just lay down and die. | ||
| So that's what his choice was. | ||
| Just let it lay down and die when the coyotes got to it. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Dude, 300-pound animal. | ||
| Seven, eight coyotes, whatever it was that did it. | ||
| Maybe they called. | ||
| Maybe other ones came from fucking half a mile away. | ||
| Yo, there's this deer this guy left. | ||
| There's a fucking fresh deer over here! | ||
| It's Mike! | ||
| It's Mike from the Westwoods! | ||
| Yeah, I think he was in an area with no wolves, so I think it was just... | ||
| All coyotes? | ||
| Just coyotes. | ||
| The coyotes out here in L.A. are so small. | ||
| They're like little tiny house dogs. | ||
| They're weird, man. | ||
| Yeah, the little, like, bitch, frail, weird, like, where I golf up in the mountain up there, they're all the time. | ||
| And they sit and they wait for you to pass before they can, like, cross, you know, through the fairway and stuff. | ||
| But they're like little house dogs. | ||
| They're like 15-pound house dogs. | ||
| We are lucky those things are here. | ||
| This is the truth because if they weren't here, there'd be rats everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, they eat everything. | ||
| Those motherfuckers keep the rats in check. | ||
| They keep the rabbits in check. | ||
| There's a system. | ||
| There's an ecological system. | ||
| And it makes us uncomfortable because we don't like to think about our own mortality and something that wants to eat us. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I like coyotes. | ||
| I like them. | ||
| I had a chance to kill a coyote that killed one of my chickens. | ||
| But I'm pretty sure that she had puppies. | ||
| Or cubs, I guess they would be. | ||
| Cubs, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm pretty sure she had... | ||
| That chicken could have had it coming, too, you know? | ||
| Didn't. | ||
| Could have run its miles. | ||
| Any chicken has it coming. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's bound to go down, man. | ||
| You're a chicken, you have it coming. | ||
| My daughter's got rabbits. | ||
| I'm gonna eat your kids, and I'm gonna eat you. | ||
| My daughter's got rabbits. | ||
| Oh, we're gonna take care of it. | ||
| You're not gonna take care of it. | ||
| You're gonna play with those things twice, and then you're gonna leave them alone. | ||
| No, no, we're gonna take care of it. | ||
| Of course they don't take care of it. | ||
| They don't give a fuck about those rabbits because they have a dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The dog's like, hey, how are you? | |
| It's so good to see you. | ||
| Oh, he lies down. | ||
| They rub his belly. | ||
| He gives him kisses. | ||
| He runs around in circles. | ||
| You throw something. | ||
| He chases it. | ||
| It's way better. | ||
| Rabbit. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| The rabbit just sits there. | ||
| You go near it, it bites your finger. | ||
| Oh, you cunt. | ||
| Throw that fucking thing. | ||
| But anyway, the rabbit, they live in the chicken coop. | ||
| It's a big-ass chicken coop. | ||
| And they follow the chickens around. | ||
| And today, one of the rabbits was trying to eat the other chicken's ass. | ||
| And so he's just following around, literally with his little rabbit face buried in this chicken's asshole. | ||
| And this chicken's trying to get away. | ||
| But kind of liking it. | ||
| The chicken's like... | ||
| And the rabbit's just bouncing around, shoving its... | ||
| I mean nose to asshole all around the entire chicken cage for like five minutes. | ||
| It was so ridiculous. | ||
| There's a subcategory on Pornhub for that. | ||
| There's got to be chicken rabbit porno. | ||
| There probably is. | ||
| It's probably anime though. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| There's like anime subcategories of porn. | ||
| Dude, some of the anime shit that I stumble upon is so fucking... | ||
| Like the tentacle stuff is the stuff that freaks me out the most. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| People love... | ||
| I don't know who likes watching a girl get fucked by like 19 tentacles, like jamming her eyeballs in her mouth and her butthole in her ears and shit. | ||
| People jerk off to that. | ||
| A lot of them started off with Japanese for some reason. | ||
| Somebody gave me an explanation. | ||
| Why Japanese dudes like that? | ||
| Yeah, I think the explanation is that Japanese porn, you're not allowed to show actual penetration. | ||
| Yeah, you can't. | ||
| Insertion. | ||
| It blurs. | ||
| You can't even show cartoon dicks going into vaginas, but you can show tentacles. | ||
| Oh shit, that makes sense. | ||
| So the fact that tentacles look remotely similar to dicks, they've decided to just go with tentacles and your mouth and spits flying out of your mouth. | ||
| And they can't show jizz, but they can show tentacle juice. | ||
| You know what they can show? | ||
| Where the jizz is all pixelated. | ||
| Like you can see the jizz through a prism. | ||
| Dancing jizz pixelation? | ||
| You can't see the actual HD 4K jizz. | ||
| That would be too much. | ||
| When I was a kid, you couldn't have hard-ons in porn magazines. | ||
| They didn't have hard-ons. | ||
| All the dudes had to have, like, limp dicks. | ||
| What? | ||
| It was a law. | ||
| It was a federal law. | ||
| You better put that... | ||
| You better get that thing soft. | ||
| I'm dead serious. | ||
| Like, these guys had half-hard dicks. | ||
| They were always, like, half-hard. | ||
| And it was so confusing. | ||
| Because you'd be a little kid, your dick would be like a fucking total ball. | ||
| What's wrong with mine? | ||
| And you'd be so horny. | ||
| And you'd be looking at this magazine, and you're like, this guy's right there! | ||
| And he's not even horny. | ||
| He's right next to him. | ||
| He's, like, barely interested. | ||
| There was a lot! | ||
| But they had to have good limp dicks. | ||
| That's the trick, right? | ||
| See, that's what's funny. | ||
| You couldn't have a mushroom capped limp. | ||
| See, I'm a grower, not a shower. | ||
| Yeah, you'd have to have a real hog, like a heavy one. | ||
| I'm nice when I'm thick, but when I'm soft, I can't be in the magazine soft. | ||
| I had a bit about it before, that the girl would be like, her mouth would be open, lipstick, and her lips purse and her tongue hanging out, and the dude would have his limp dick resting on her back like a drowning victim he pulled from a lake. | ||
|
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It was just like, what is this? | |
| What? | ||
| Couldn't you just take the time to get a hard-on before we took these pictures, man? | ||
|
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|
What the fuck? | |
| I think that's so weird that that's a law. | ||
| That's how fucking, that's how crazy standards and practices of certain companies are. | ||
| It's like, listen, we'll let you show penises, but they can't be filled with blood. | ||
| I don't believe it's standards and practices. | ||
| I think it was a federal law. | ||
| But why would, what would be the difference of showing... | ||
| Well, this is pre-VHS tapes. | ||
| Once VHS tapes came along, then people got to watch actual hard dicks. | ||
| Porno and everything. | ||
| There was like a loophole. | ||
| There was a loophole that existed. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because the pornographic magazines, they weren't allowed to show insertion, and they weren't allowed to show erections. | ||
| So it was this weird sort of thing. | ||
| And wasn't there a time they couldn't show the lips of a vagina? | ||
| They had to be covered up by hair, right? | ||
| It was something like that. | ||
| They couldn't show... | ||
| Hustler always did, though. | ||
| I think... | ||
| Well, they were the first one to do it. | ||
| Playboy never did. | ||
| Playboy always had bush. | ||
| Playboy would have, like, you'd barely see bush. | ||
| You know, you'd see... | ||
| Like a shadow of a bush. | ||
| Like girls looking pretty. | ||
| Whereas Hustler was like, let me watch you piss. | ||
| Shit on this guy's chest! | ||
| Piss in her face! | ||
| Page one! | ||
| Fist your asshole! | ||
| Come on! | ||
| It was a different thing. | ||
| But when we would find these magazines... | ||
| In the woods, by the way. | ||
| Always in the woods. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I have a whole bit that's based on a true story about finding... | ||
| Isn't that what Larry Flint's, like, trials are kind of about? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I think some of them were about that. | ||
| Yeah, but, see, obscenity is one of those weird things. | ||
| And I know we attributed it to Vincent Scalia, but people corrected me. | ||
| Judge Scalia, is that his name? | ||
| But it's not him. | ||
| Scalia? | ||
| Scalia, that guy. | ||
| It's not him that said this. | ||
| It's another guy who said this. | ||
| I don't know what pornography is, but I know it when I see it. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's another version of that, too, that's like, I don't know what blank is, but I know it when I see it. | ||
| There's probably a few of those that erroneously attributed to people, but there's a guy named Max Hardcore. | ||
| Do you remember that guy? | ||
| The porn actor? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That guy went to jail for obscenity and he did hard time and he had some hard to watch stuff like he had some some stuff you're like wait a minute what like i found out about it because people weren't like hey man this is the great stuff to jerk off to right they were like what you gotta watch this what in the is this right this guy used a speculum to open this girl's up i'm interested he pissed in her and then he put a straw and made her drink his piss out of | ||
| her own I gotta get out of here for a second. | ||
| I gotta go finish up. | ||
| But it was like... | ||
| There was a lot of like really, really fucked up stuff. | ||
| There's a website that bases... | ||
| Do you know eFucked? | ||
| Do you ever heard of that? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's all they do. | ||
| It's fucked up, crazy... | ||
| Like, there's nothing sexual about it. | ||
|
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Right. | |
| It's just like defacing somebody. | ||
| It's just fucked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the point is that this guy went to jail for that. | ||
| Like... | ||
| Nobody else. | ||
| Larry Flynn almost did. | ||
| Primed to battle obscenity charges in Connecticut. | ||
| In Cincinnati, rather. | ||
| That's in 1998, though. | ||
| 25 years in prison. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Porn magnate and hustle publisher Larry Flynn. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| Oh, wait a minute. | ||
| The same locale where a judge and jury sentenced him to 25 years in prison more than 20 years ago. | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
| So, did he actually go to jail? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I don't think he served time. | ||
| I don't think he actually served time, but yeah. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| He was living in Columbus, where I'm from, and he set up his big house, which he, from what I heard, he had planned on making it like a Playboy Mansion type place, and it was right next door to the Columbus School for Girls, and I think that caused some of the first problems for him. | ||
| Well, he was just prospects. | ||
| That's just smart. | ||
| That's just smart real estate. | ||
| Yeah, it's a good place to, if you're going to be a duck hunter, you get a house near a lake. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| It's not just setting up shop, dude. | ||
| Just learning the territory. | ||
| Location, location, location. | ||
| Yeah, if you're a coyote, you know where the cats live. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's like perverts that get into selling ice cream to kids. | ||
| It's like, you can't blame them. | ||
| That's very intuitive. | ||
| Well, it's like people... | ||
| Think of that and to dismiss that, that's not a big deal, like the Larry Flint hustler thing. | ||
| That's a very big deal. | ||
| Yeah, huge. | ||
| It's a very big deal. | ||
| They were trying to push this guy in jail for something that people enjoyed buying. | ||
| Yeah, people bought it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They liked it. | ||
| They went for it. | ||
| You got a hustler? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
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You got a hustler? | |
| What do you have? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Guy's got his hand in his pants. | ||
| Got a hustler? | ||
| Playing pocket pool. | ||
|
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|
Hustler? | |
| Like, they like it. | ||
| They want to buy his product. | ||
| And you're like, no, you can't like it. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It's my favorite thing in the world. | ||
| You can't tell me what I like. | ||
| Too bad. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, this wasn't that long ago, man. | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| 98. That's 20 years ago. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| 20 years ago, the guy almost went to jail. | ||
| I remember going with my dad to the movie rental place by his house, and they had one of those back rooms. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Saloon doors, gotta kick them in. | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| And as a kid, my dad would be like, where are you going? | ||
| I was like, I was looking at a section over here. | ||
| And then he'd be on the other side and he'd try to sneak in to take a peep at even the boxes. | ||
| And then they got smart, so they'd put covers over the boxes. | ||
| So you'd have to move a thing back to see what the box was. | ||
| Well, the thing, the weird feeling was when you would go through those beads and you would be in that room with those other perverts. | ||
| And you're all just super uncomfortable to be near each other. | ||
|
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We're all going to be doing the same thing in 20 minutes. | |
| One time I went to an actual porn store. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Like a hardcore store. | ||
| It was like XXX videos. | ||
| Yeah, like a shop and shit? | ||
| Yeah, like a shop. | ||
| Like they sold dildos and videos. | ||
|
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|
Right. | |
| And that's all they sold. | ||
| Like, let's stop pretending. | ||
| Let's cut the shit! | ||
| Cut it out. | ||
| We're not going to go to the back room of a mom and pop store where it says adults only. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, this is like the whole store. | ||
| And you just felt so weird. | ||
| And the guy behind the counter was talking to me like, hey man, what's up? | ||
| I'm like, hi. | ||
| You can't fucking talk to me. | ||
| I'm uncomfortable that you guys have sexual urges. | ||
| You guys are all creeps. | ||
| Not me. | ||
| I'm different. | ||
| That's why I have to get out of here. | ||
| Every guy in there. | ||
| I'm not like these guys. | ||
| Fucking the other guys in there are disgusting. | ||
| But that's so annoying when they try to talk to you. | ||
| There's one here in West Hollywood that's like a sex store. | ||
| And the guy was being really friendly. | ||
| And he's like, hey, so what's going on? | ||
| It's like... | ||
| You know what's going on, dude. | ||
| This isn't Target. | ||
| I'm not maybe here for a vacuum or greeting cards. | ||
| Yeah, we're not at a fly tying shop. | ||
| I'm here for porno shit. | ||
| I'm here for weird porno shit. | ||
| Just let me get the thing and stop making me feel weird. | ||
| You're not selling fish and tackle. | ||
| You're going to tell me about the best spots. | ||
|
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|
Now, these bobbers are pretty good, man, but those dildos will do the trick. | |
| I'll tell you what, if you're just willing to take the drive to Sacramento, the fucking salmon fishing is off the chain. | ||
| Anyway, $42 for this anal bead. | ||
| Here you go. | ||
|
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|
What? | |
| $42. | ||
| If we sold bait and tackle and anal beads, that'd be great. | ||
| Bait and tackle and anal beads. | ||
| Fishing and fucking. | ||
| That's what the name of the place would be called. | ||
| I like to fish, I like to fuck. | ||
| That's why I opened up this shop, dude. | ||
| It's called fishing and fucking. | ||
| That would almost work. | ||
| That would totally work. | ||
| Totally work. | ||
| But the problem is nobody buys things from a store anymore. | ||
| You could just go order a big fucking dildo online. | ||
| You get it shipped to your house in one day with Amazon Prime. | ||
| Prime, same day. | ||
| If you get it early enough. | ||
| This is a legitimate question. | ||
| I'm not playing stupid. | ||
| Does Amazon sell Master Bait and Tackle? | ||
| Our competition. | ||
| These guys just beat around the bush. | ||
| We're fishing and fucking. | ||
| Fishing and fucking, dude. | ||
| You can masturbate all you want. | ||
| I'd rather fuck. | ||
| Rather fuck. | ||
| You don't know what the fuck you're talking about over here. | ||
| You're gonna fuck your own hand? | ||
| I'm gonna have somebody else fuck it. | ||
| Does Amazon sell rubber dicks? | ||
| Gotta. | ||
| They must. | ||
| Gotta. | ||
| Jamie, how many of you ordered from them? | ||
| Don't lie. | ||
| He's like, yes, of course. | ||
| I used to work for a company that did that, so I'm sure they'd sell them on Amazon. | ||
| That sold rubber dicks? | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| You know who sometimes sends me rubber dicks for fun when I ask? | ||
| Fleshlight, those people at Fleshlight in Austin when I was doing Moon Tower years ago. | ||
| I befriended a few of the people there, and they were like, we'll send you some stuff. | ||
| So they sent me a few of the fleshlights, but they also sent me bags of dicks. | ||
| Bags of dicks. | ||
| Rubber dicks on Amazon. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| You can buy a bunch of rubber dicks. | ||
| You can get off. | ||
| Do they have rubber vaginas, or are they discriminatory and anti-male in their practices? | ||
| Come on, you fucks. | ||
| I don't see a single rubber vagina. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Sexist bullshit. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Because that would be objectifying. | ||
| Spank bank. | ||
| Spank bank. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's just an actual bank. | ||
| Just poorly named bank. | ||
| It says Fleshlight. | ||
| Daylight parody. | ||
| Oh, it's like a book. | ||
| Looks like a book. | ||
| What did you type in, Jamie? | ||
| Oh, it's a song. | ||
| Fleshlight. | ||
| Type in men's sex toy. | ||
| Do men's sex toy. | ||
| See if that does it. | ||
| Fleshlight was our original sponsor. | ||
| The first sponsor of this podcast was a flashlight. | ||
|
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|
Look at that. | |
| Just pills. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Ginseng. | ||
| Rubber dicks all day long. | ||
| That's a rubber dick. | ||
| Is that a rubber dick to put your dick inside of? | ||
| That's a sleeve. | ||
| That's a extender. | ||
| You put your dick inside of another dick? | ||
| Penis extender. | ||
| It says delay ejaculation. | ||
| Oh, there you go. | ||
| Wait, there you go. | ||
| Male simulator. | ||
| Aircraft cup. | ||
| Hmm, but look how they say it. | ||
| Male simulator. | ||
| Young girls, male toys, adult products. | ||
| They got every tag. | ||
| Scroll back up to that dick one. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look what it says. | ||
| It says, delay ejaculation. | ||
| Yeah, like forever. | ||
| Like you'll never come. | ||
| You're not having sex. | ||
| Do you want to stop coming? | ||
| Put this on. | ||
| It's a big, clear, fake dick that goes over your dick. | ||
| Have this guy Steve come kick you in the cock. | ||
| You won't come for hours. | ||
| That's a fucking rough road for a dude with a tiny dick. | ||
| If you have a micro dick, there's not a goddamn thing. | ||
| The micropenising? | ||
| There's nothing they can do. | ||
| How real is that though? | ||
| It's real. | ||
| Is it real? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| You're so funny. | ||
| How real is that? | ||
| Well, how many people have micro-penises? | ||
| For real. | ||
| I think it's a real issue. | ||
| Guys have like one-inch dicks. | ||
| I think it's a real issue. | ||
| An inch when it's filled with blood. | ||
| Rock hard. | ||
| Hard. | ||
| That's an inch. | ||
| Rock hard, you got this. | ||
| That's their penis. | ||
| That's the whole dick. | ||
| Not even my full finger. | ||
| No, your full finger's bigger than an inch. | ||
| My full finger's too big. | ||
| Because a lot of guys are seeing this right now and going, my dick is that big, Joe. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| The girls don't care about size, bro. | ||
| That's not what it matters. | ||
| That's what they say to guys with little dicks. | ||
| They go, it's fine. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I like it. | ||
|
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I don't care. | |
| I don't care, really. | ||
| So you're saying this is a man, half of that, that's a man's penis. | ||
| The crazy thing is girls have no problem mocking it. | ||
| They would just mock it. | ||
| They'll mock it in front of their friends, in front of you. | ||
| Like guys with little dicks. | ||
| It's just, I couldn't fucking do it. | ||
|
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|
I couldn't do it. | |
| Well, because you can't retort. | ||
| You can't be like, your pussy's big. | ||
| But if a guy did talk like that, he would be a monster. | ||
| Like a guy was talking about a giant pussy. | ||
| Yo, dude, I had a breakup, but my balls would fall in. | ||
| I'd be fucking, I'd be strapping a two by four to my ass. | ||
| No, see, I was laughing. | ||
| Just to keep from getting sucked into the void. | ||
| One man's life with a micro-penis reveals about the human... | ||
| Only 0.6% of the population. | ||
| See, it's... | ||
| That's enough. | ||
| That's enough. | ||
| Dude, that's... | ||
| If you have 100 people, that means what? | ||
| How many people is that? | ||
| Less than one. | ||
| Not even one. | ||
| No. | ||
| 0.6. | ||
| Yeah, 0.6. | ||
| So 200 people, you have one. | ||
| 1.2. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| 200 people? | ||
| Six out of a thousand. | ||
| So if you're at the comedy store... | ||
| Six out of a thousand, that's right. | ||
| If you're at the comedy store, there's two people in the room on a full house on Saturday night that have micro-dicks. | ||
| One guy has a micro-dick. | ||
| Well, you've got to think it's 50-50 men-women, so one guy in that room has a micro-dick. | ||
| So if you make a joke about a micro-dick, one guy's like, No! | ||
| But the joke before, he loved so much, he's still laughing, but in his head he's like, oh no. | ||
| Thought you were great when you're shitting on giant pussies. | ||
|
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|
This guy's the best. | |
| I love the major pussy jokes. | ||
|
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|
They're too big. | |
| Pussies are just too big. | ||
| It's all my dick is small. | ||
| And they are too big. | ||
|
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|
My dick doesn't get in the way. | |
| It's perfect. | ||
| If when I have to urinate, it's there for me. | ||
| But that's crazy to think if a girl dates a guy with a micropenis and she just sticks around because she's like, well, he's a good dude. | ||
| Well, I know a lady who had a few chillin'. | ||
| She had three chillin'. | ||
| With a micropenis guy? | ||
| No. | ||
| With a regular penis guy. | ||
| He's a handsome fellow. | ||
| I'm sure he has quite a sturdy cock. | ||
| Probably like an axe handle. | ||
| Hefty. | ||
| He looks like he's a Viking. | ||
| But anyway, those kids had blown a hole through the old carport, and so she decided to get everything all stitched up. | ||
| She said it was the most painful thing that she'd ever done. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| More painful even than childbirth, because they go in there and cut. | ||
| I'll say that again. | ||
|
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|
They cut. | |
| They cut. | ||
| And then they stitch that bitch up till like a finger gets broken when you put it in there. | ||
| It's like tighter than anal. | ||
| And unbelievably painful. | ||
| I can't even. | ||
| Strap yourself in. | ||
| Numb. | ||
|
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What? | |
| Numb. | ||
| Numb. | ||
| It goes numb. | ||
| Because, like, you ever have surgery? | ||
| When they cut all those nerves, a lot of times they... | ||
| Nerve damage. | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| Like, my knee. | ||
| I had an ACL reconstruction on one of my knees with what's called a patella tendon graft. | ||
| They open you up. | ||
| They take a big, like, four-inch slice. | ||
| They open you up and they take a piece of your patella tendon and screw all these things and stitch it back up. | ||
| That whole area, I had that thing done in, like, fuck, 1994. It's still numb. | ||
| My knee is numb. | ||
| None of the nerves have repaired. | ||
| No, not over where the incision is. | ||
| I'm touching it right now. | ||
| Literally, it feels like someone stuck Novocaine in it. | ||
| I can touch to the left, I feel it. | ||
| I touch to the right, I feel it. | ||
| I touch right where that scar tissue is, it's numb. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Your pussy can go numb too, bro. | ||
| My pussy will never go numb. | ||
| Bro, your pussy can go numb, bro. | ||
| Fishing and fucking, your pussy might go numb. | ||
| Yeah, well fishing and fucking, you just gotta have a beer can size hog to fill that gapper. | ||
| You gotta gapper. | ||
| A tall boy. | ||
| I can't imagine the pain of that shit. | ||
| The only thing that I know the most painful thing I ever had was when they stick a fucking tube in your dick hole when they're fucking testing you for shit and they fucking shove a tube and a Q-tip. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| That's a pain that I never want to feel ever again. | ||
| Well, I just would assume that they would have figured out a way to fix dicks. | ||
| I think they think that's funny. | ||
| I think they're just like, fuck them. | ||
| I don't think there's anything they can do. | ||
| There's no other way around it. | ||
| I think it's like CRISPR. CRISPR is going to come around. | ||
| And that's going to fucking... | ||
| You know what CRISPR is? | ||
| There's this new tool that they have to alter genes and alter DNA. Where you can, like, pick baby shit? | ||
| You're going to be able to pick baby shit for sure. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| That's 100%. | ||
| They're probably already doing it in China. | ||
| Yeah, they're like blue eyes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 6'2". | ||
| 18 years from now, the Olympic Games, we're gonna see some just genetic freaks from Asia and Russia. | ||
| It's gonna be amazing. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| We're gonna be like, wait, what the fuck is that? | ||
| That's this person? | ||
| 14-year-old. | ||
| Flying through the air, breaking records, doing fucking quadruple somersaults over people when they're playing basketball. | ||
| 80-inch vertical leaps and shit. | ||
| They're gonna, like, jump from the free throw line on the other side of the court and flip through the air and slam dunk, and everybody's gonna go, wait, what? | ||
| No, everyone's gonna go, ah, yeah, I've seen it. | ||
| At that point, it'll be just a normal fucking thing. | ||
| Did you see that video? | ||
| Did I send it to you, Jamie, that dog that jumps through the air and you can't, you literally can't believe how high the dog jumps? | ||
| Did I send it? | ||
| I'm gonna send it. | ||
| I'll send it to you right now. | ||
| But is this, I sent it to, I know I sent it to Callan, because he's a, and Schaub are both dog freaks. | ||
| But it doesn't even make any sense. | ||
| Like, you look at the video and you go like, what the fuck? | ||
| This one? | ||
| Nope, that's not it. | ||
|
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|
But let me see that one. | |
| Let me see this dog. | ||
| Let me see that one. | ||
| Look at the body on that thing. | ||
| Little stud. | ||
| Jacked. | ||
| Here he goes. | ||
| Boy! | ||
| Oh, he's running up the wall. | ||
| I've seen this. | ||
| That's crazy! | ||
| Dude, this stuff is insane. | ||
| That is crazy! | ||
|
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|
Wow! | |
| That dog just jumped. | ||
| It looks like he jumped 18 feet in the air. | ||
| He did. | ||
| At least, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That looks like 18 feet. | ||
| And he bites the rope and so that it pulls him down slowly so he doesn't get hurt. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| And the guy helps. | ||
| The guy catches him too. | ||
| Dude, that's a fucking crazy dog. | ||
| Pitbull can leap four meter walls. | ||
| What? | ||
| Four meters. | ||
| They're not regular dogs, man. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| See? | ||
| Fetch it, fetch it. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That is incredible. | ||
| Find this fucking dog. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Also, I wanted to ask you about this. | ||
| Have you seen mass wrestling? | ||
| Do you know what that is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Mass wrestling? | ||
| Do you know what it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that? | |
| Type that in. | ||
| This is nuts. | ||
| Mass wrestling? | ||
| Before I forget it, I wanted to tell you about it. | ||
| People like, there's like a bar. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| What are they doing? | ||
| There's like a bar that they both have to grip onto and they're pulling it. | ||
| Oh, they're gonna break their legs. | ||
| How many people die doing this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't this fucking insane? | |
| It's a lot of weight. | ||
| I mean, dude, look at these two dudes. | ||
| That's all grip and leg strength and shit. | ||
| It's wild as shit. | ||
| I watched like 50 videos of it. | ||
| I got so soaked into it. | ||
| I was like, why are people doing this? | ||
| It's like tug of war with something stable, you know? | ||
| I'm sending it to you right now, Jamie. | ||
| You gotta see this. | ||
| It looks like, look at these guys. | ||
| Are they blurring out that guy's hog? | ||
| I would like that. | ||
| It was a hog. | ||
| It was butt-ass naked. | ||
| The guy on the right, like there's a little pixelation... | ||
| I originally got into this because I was jerking off to it. | ||
| That's why I wanted to see this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Oh, they have a stick. | ||
| I thought they had their hand... | ||
| So they're holding on the stick. | ||
| They're holding on to this, like, this, this, yeah, like a... | ||
| The guy on the left is winning, but he's all arms. | ||
| Look at his little bitch-ass legs. | ||
| I got my money on the guy on the right. | ||
| I don't like the way the guy on the right, or the left, rather, has overdeveloped his arms and underdeveloped his legs. | ||
| That guy's gonna quit. | ||
| The guy on the left? | ||
| Yeah, he's got no legs down there. | ||
| He's going to give out. | ||
| The guy on the right is Russian. | ||
| He looks like he's from a hut in the middle of Siberia. | ||
| His whole family lives in a yurt. | ||
| The guy on the left did not run. | ||
| Look at his legs. | ||
| Look at his calves. | ||
| That guy's not fit. | ||
| See? | ||
| Told you. | ||
| That's why I'm a good MMA commentator. | ||
| Called it. | ||
| I know when I see a dude that's just... | ||
| He's jacked. | ||
| You look at his upper body and his forearms and shit and his biceps and his shoulders. | ||
| I'm like, the guy's jacked. | ||
| There's no leg strength there. | ||
| But he's got zero in his legs, which means his mind is weak. | ||
| That's what it means. | ||
| His mind is weak. | ||
| He wants everybody to think he's strong, but he's not doing the real hard work. | ||
| Nobody gives a fuck if you're doing squats. | ||
| Nobody notices, okay? | ||
| You do push-ups and you do bench press and your fucking tits pop out. | ||
| Everybody sees it. | ||
| Watch this dog. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| You ain't even gonna believe this. | ||
| This doesn't even seem real. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| This dog flies. | ||
| I think that's a Belgian Malinois. | ||
| Flies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| Just flies. | ||
| And then they have him land on a cushion, which is pretty sweet. | ||
| So he jumps off that guy's shoulders? | ||
| Jumps off the guy's shoulders, but... | ||
| That's gotta be 20 feet. | ||
| Literally jumps. | ||
| I mean, it's at least 15. He's at least 15 feet in the air. | ||
| What's even cooler is that... | ||
| Look at this fucking dog, man! | ||
| He's flying! | ||
| It's SendItOfficial on Instagram. | ||
| All one word. | ||
| SendItOfficial. | ||
| That's one of them Instagram pages that has a bunch of crazy shit on it. | ||
| There's a lot of those that are pretty good. | ||
| I follow a lot of them. | ||
| Well, the original, like the SendIt quote, you know that's from... | ||
| Have you seen those guys that are like, Come on, Marty, send it! | ||
| And he just jumps trucks and fucking... | ||
| Dude, that makes me laugh so hard every time. | ||
| He's like, What are you going to do? | ||
| He's like, I'm going to fucking send it. | ||
| He just gets in a pickup truck and just shoots it off a shitty fucking ramp. | ||
| Hold my beer while I send it. | ||
| I'll fucking send it. | ||
| Have you seen Hold This Beer on Twitter? | ||
| Have you ever seen that account? | ||
| Hold My Beer? | ||
| Yeah, Hold My Beer. | ||
| I think it's Hold This Beer. | ||
| Hold This Beer? | ||
| Is the actual Twitter account, but it says Hold My Beer is the name of it. | ||
| Ah, right, right, right. | ||
| That one is... | ||
| Hold My Beer. | ||
| You can't go wrong with that one. | ||
| No, that stuff's hilarious. | ||
| If you can deal with it. | ||
| If you can deal with it. | ||
| Because sometimes you're going to watch people that are going to get absolute brain damage. | ||
| Yeah, but I love it. | ||
| Whatever, it's not me. | ||
| There's one where a dude is standing on a hill and a bale of hay is coming towards him, and this bale of hay looks like it might weigh six, seven hundred pounds, and it's huge. | ||
| He's taking it. | ||
| He jumps up into the air like he's trying to get over it, and he doesn't make it, and he goes fucking flying like he got hit by a bus. | ||
| I love that shit. | ||
| I mean, the dude goes, have you ever seen one of those big ass circle bales of hay bigger than this table? | ||
| Oh, huge. | ||
| Those are so fucking heavy. | ||
| It's bigger than a truck tire. | ||
| Yes, they're so heavy. | ||
| And this dumb fuck thought he was gonna jump over it. | ||
| My favorite is- People will closely overestimate how well- There he is. | ||
| Come on, dude. | ||
| Watch this again. | ||
| I mean- The fact that he's alive. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| That dude got fucked up! | ||
| He's just like he's not paralyzed. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| I mean, he did a full flip through the air. | ||
| That fucking thing is so heavy. | ||
| There's no way you would pick that up. | ||
| You know what my favorite is? | ||
| The medicine balls. | ||
| When people bump the... | ||
| You know when people do medicine ball challenge where they run at each other? | ||
| No. | ||
| Have you ever seen that? | ||
| They'll both grab a medicine ball, run each other full speed, and jump, and whoever gets hit the furthest. | ||
| But sometimes people do it with their kids. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| And like a dad will be just fucking around. | ||
| You'll see a kid go flying 30 feet in the room. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Oh, that's my favorite shit. | ||
| There's one on there that's like Fail Army or Fail Blog or something, and they show the same kind of fucking stuff. | ||
| People have this crazy idea of what they would do to get away from things that other people aren't doing. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| I'd sidestep them. | ||
| I could jump over it. | ||
| That's always been an inside joke in MMA forums about sidestepping. | ||
| That if someone is coming after me, I just fucking sidestep them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sidestep, man. | |
| I just sidestep, bro. | ||
| Most people just don't know what to do. | ||
| They stand there and freeze. | ||
| I just sidestep, get out of the way. | ||
| I got it planned out. | ||
| People are going to swarm you. | ||
| Swarm you like a zombie. | ||
| Try to bite your face. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Sidestepping them, dude. | ||
| Sidestepping. | ||
| I'll sidestep them all. | ||
| But people think they could do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If that fucking bull was coming after me, I'd just step aside. | |
| These matadors or faggots with the little fucking ponchos. | ||
| Or we'll use your fake martial arts videos. | ||
| Those guys. | ||
| Those are my fucking two. | ||
| Those are my favorite. | ||
| I resist putting those videos up, because there's so many of them that get sent to me every day. | ||
| They're so funny. | ||
| I can't keep putting them up. | ||
| The guy has like a wind technique. | ||
| Like with his breath, he's like... | ||
| There's a great page on Instagram, McDojo. | ||
| Is it McDojo or McDojo Life? | ||
| I forget which one it is. | ||
| McDojo Life? | ||
| Wait, McDojo? | ||
| McDojo. | ||
| They call it McDojo. | ||
| Like a dojo is a martial arts school. | ||
| McDojo is like a mall martial arts school. | ||
| That's what we would call like... | ||
| Cheesy, shitty martial arts school's McDojo. | ||
| Watch this guy. | ||
| Watch this guy. | ||
| Go full screen on this one. | ||
| This one's fucking preposterous. | ||
| The guy comes at him with a sword, and he uses his power, and the guy goes flying. | ||
| I buy it. | ||
| I buy every second of it. | ||
| This old Japanese guy. | ||
| I buy it. | ||
| And all these goofy white guys, who would have been the guys in Boyle Heights, that were saying, we're here for your community. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We love you. | |
| Fuck you! | ||
| Get out! | ||
| We don't want you! | ||
| They would be the same guy. | ||
| These old, dorky, liberal guys who probably call themselves feminists, and they're just flying through the air with their Aikido suits on. | ||
| Dude, he is fucking this guy up. | ||
| He's fucking this dude up. | ||
| He leads him around and then drops him to the ground. | ||
| Well, you know, as a feminist, I'm more likely to get tossed around. | ||
| This almost looks like a coordinated dance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha! | |
| It's so silly. | ||
| They're all so silly. | ||
| What is that one next to it? | ||
| The guy with the karate outfit. | ||
| What is he gonna do? | ||
| Is that a girl or a guy? | ||
| It's a guy? | ||
| He's gonna break all these with his head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| He's doing flips on his head, breaking the boards, and then flipping onto his feet. | ||
| So he's crushing the blocks of stone with his head. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| What does it sound like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Give me some... | |
| Oh my god, he's doing it like... | ||
| Like, flipping. | ||
| One more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yay! | |
| He did it! | ||
| If that ever comes up, then you need to flip and land on someone's dick. | ||
| That guy has a Taekwondo outfit on. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense to me. | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| What could those be made out of? | ||
| The shittiest rock known to man. | ||
| Like, if you pissed on it, it would probably break. | ||
| It can't be rock. | ||
| Yeah, it's some sort of shitty-ass, bitch-ass concrete. | ||
| Do you got that bag of bitch-ass concrete we ordered? | ||
| Yeah, man, you got some bitch-ass concrete. | ||
| Fuck people up. | ||
| Breaking shit with my head. | ||
| But there's a lot of people out there that buy into that stupid stuff, man. | ||
| But my point about it is there's a lot of people that buy into anything. | ||
| That's why people join cults. | ||
| That's why people, they fall into these ideas and they believe them wholeheartedly. | ||
| What do you know about all these new religions, like all the new cool religions where the dudes are... | ||
| Like, remember, I think I talked to you about it, where, like, there's these new motivational-speak churches, where it's like, that's all it is. | ||
| Yeah, I read about one recently that uses a friend of mine's synagogue, where a friend of mine goes for his service, he's Jewish, where him and his family go, these people rent it out, like, on some days. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they come down, they have this rock and roll, sort of... | ||
| Yes, this rock and roll church. | ||
| But the guy's, like, this charismatic, sort of half-assed Waco dude. | ||
| And they're all good-looking. | ||
| Yeah, like Koresh. | ||
| There's a bunch of them. | ||
| Yeah, there's like five or six of these guys with varying degrees of bullshititude. | ||
| And they're all rich. | ||
| They're all super, super rich. | ||
| They're getting cash. | ||
| Yeah, tons of money, man. | ||
| Well, especially if they can get, like, young, really wealthy people who are kind of lost. | ||
| Young, good-looking kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My friend went to one. | ||
| He was like, dude, you have to see. | ||
| He's like, the women that were there were, every one of them was gorgeous. | ||
| Yeah, my buddy had a personal assistant. | ||
| He was a producer of a TV show, and he had a personal assistant, and his personal assistant was... | ||
| She was nice, but she was off. | ||
| There were some wires that would just... | ||
| She just clicks in the middle of the day. | ||
| There were some things that just weren't connecting right, and she started going to this church. | ||
| She's like, you would love it, because it's not like a regular church. | ||
| We just sing. | ||
| Oh, God, that sounds like a cult. | ||
| We talk about real things. | ||
| They give us a haircut. | ||
| We talk about real life. | ||
| Like, okay. | ||
| Do you have to give them money? | ||
| Like, how's that work? | ||
| Tons of money. | ||
| Let's talk, and then you give me money. | ||
| I don't have any services I give. | ||
| I'm not really big on services, but we'll all get together and talk, and then I get paid. | ||
| And then I like mansions. | ||
| I like to live in a mansion. | ||
| So what we're going to do is I'm going to regurgitate some Anthony Robbins quotes, and I'm going to tell you about life, and then a little bit of Jesus. | ||
| I'm going to throw some Jesus in there to seem legit. | ||
| Touch, a little sprinkle of Jesus. | ||
| Sprinkle of Jesus. | ||
| We're not heavy Jesus. | ||
| You know, we're like paleo-esque people. | ||
| Paleo, church. | ||
| Paleo, but we also like spaghetti. | ||
| It's like, it's okay. | ||
| We'll snack on it. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| We'll snack on spaghetti, Jesus. | ||
| I like saltines. | ||
| I'm not going to lie. | ||
| I'm not going to lie. | ||
| I can't say no. | ||
| I'm not willing to give up my saltines. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| I would go paleo if it wasn't for crackers. | ||
| I like Ritz. | ||
| I like to put on the Ritz. | ||
| Every now and then, I want to put on the Ritz. | ||
| That's what I like. | ||
| Putting on the Ritz. | ||
| Give me money. | ||
| Yeah, man, there's a lot of lost people out there. | ||
| And then there's people that come along, and then they capitalize on it, on those lost people. | ||
| Tons. | ||
| And then they figure out, like, oh, there's a market capitalizing on lost people. | ||
| And they ramp that shit up proper. | ||
| You know who I find is the big, who, like, makes, now that, like, because I'm, like, buying all sorts of stuff for this puppy, the stuff I should have gotten into is, like, tricking people into needing pet stuff. | ||
| Like, if I could invent a pet thing. | ||
| Like, what thing would you invent? | ||
| Let's invent one right now. | ||
| We can just, you know, start out in the front of fucking and fishing. | ||
| Fucking and fishing. | ||
| Just put it outside. | ||
| You got your fucking, your fishing, and your dog toys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right when you get to that register, I'll tell you what, that's when you're most susceptible to impulse buying. | |
| That's where we put all that shit? | ||
| I put some puppy toy or some shit. | ||
| Puppy dildo. | ||
| That'd be great if the store was empty and all you had was stuff by the register because you're like, they don't buy out there, man. | ||
| They buy right here. | ||
| That's all we do. | ||
| Fucking fishing right at the register. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a robot fuck dog for your dog. | |
| Nobody thought about it. | ||
| I've been thinking about this for 25 years. | ||
| It's a robot dog. | ||
| Finally, I got these Japanese scientists involved, and we figured out the perfect height. | ||
| Every dog can fuck it. | ||
| Don't snip your dog, man. | ||
| Don't fucking neuter a spade or nothing. | ||
| Just get your robot dog. | ||
| Here's a big misconception. | ||
| A big dog can't fuck a little robot dog. | ||
| Watch. | ||
| They'll get low. | ||
| So this is like, you don't really need one that you can't sell after your dog dies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Imagine... | |
| They're like, hey man, you got a dog? | ||
| Dude, you know, ever since Rusty died, his robot fuck doll has just been sitting in the garage and been hoping someone can come along and comment it. | ||
| It'd be bop on more humans just for their use. | ||
| That is an issue when your dog tries to hump your kids. | ||
| It does become a real fucking problem. | ||
| My Mastiff has humped people before. | ||
| You gotta let one kid go. | ||
| Sacrifice the one you like the least. | ||
| There's something disturbing about a 140 pound dog named Johnny Cash that wants to hump your leg. | ||
| You know, he's a sweet dog, but if he wasn't, if he wasn't, there'd be a real issue here. | ||
| Be a problem. | ||
| Be a real problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What do you say? | ||
| Hey! | ||
| Hey! | ||
| Cut this shit! | ||
| And they look at you and go, that's not... | ||
| I don't know what the fucking problem is. | ||
| You do it all the time! | ||
| Listen, this is what feels good to me. | ||
| It feels good to me, and I'm doing it. | ||
| Do you ever have moments when your dogs have ever seen you jerking off or having sex or anything like that? | ||
| I don't jerk off in front of my dogs. | ||
| Never? | ||
| Or have sex in front of them. | ||
| No. | ||
| I do it first day. | ||
| Just let them know. | ||
| I've heard about people that are having sex and a dog comes in and starts licking their feet. | ||
| I've heard that kind of shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I've heard that shit. | ||
| And then they come harder. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, yeah! | |
| And the girl's like, why'd you come so quick? | ||
| I have dogs licking my feet. | ||
| What? | ||
| That would probably bum her out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The dog licked my balls and I came like a wildcat. | |
| Wow! | ||
| So you just get a bunch of dogs around and lick your feet? | ||
| I'm sure people are doing that. | ||
| I mean, that's always been the old thing about peanut butter, right? | ||
| Peanut butter, peanut butter, peanut butter. | ||
| Yeah, peanut butter on your pussy and dogs. | ||
| Peanut butter in your ball sack and your dog's licking up the peanut butter. | ||
| I mean, like, come on. | ||
| You have to be so fucking, you have to be so out of options to make your dog lick your nuts and your asshole. | ||
| Yeah, just go hire a human. | ||
| Hire a human, man. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are really desperate. | ||
| You know, like you think about it, the human touch, like touch from a person, is mandatory, like people need it. | ||
| It's a requirement like vitamin C, and it's just a requirement that your body needs. | ||
| But there's a lot of people that just don't get it. | ||
| I never knew how much of a requirement it was until when I first moved to LA. When I first moved to LA, I moved from New York to LA, didn't know anyone out here, didn't have any friends, and I was on this set. | ||
| I'm doing this TV show, and I was there for a couple of weeks, and I guess I hadn't hugged anybody or touched anybody in a couple of weeks. | ||
| And this girl on the set gave me a hug. | ||
| Just gave me a hug! | ||
| And it was like, oh, it was like I got filled up with affection and love. | ||
| That shit's real. | ||
| But it was the weirdest feeling. | ||
| I had never experienced that before. | ||
| You know, I always had a girlfriend. | ||
| I always had friends. | ||
| It was always some sort of physical contact, right? | ||
| But out here you were alone. | ||
| I was alone. | ||
| And then when this girl hugged me, I was like, and I remember never forgetting it. | ||
| I'm like, wow, that was a weird moment. | ||
| Like, that's a physical requirement. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, when that girl hugged me, my body was like, yes, this is what we needed. | ||
| Like, whoa. | ||
| Like, when you're thirsty and you get a glass of water, you're like, oh, perfect. | ||
| That's what it was like when she hugged me. | ||
| And it wasn't even a sexual thing. | ||
| It was just a human affection thing. | ||
| Yeah, that's why they say kids that don't get touched when they're young, that don't get hugged or any affection, they grow up so fucked up mentally. | ||
| The part of your brain doesn't develop needing that chemical reaction. | ||
| Because the transfer of chemical skin to skin, that's such a big deal for the development of your brain. | ||
| So when kids don't get it, it fucking ruins them. | ||
| Yeah, they say that about babies in orphanages. | ||
| Babies in orphanages, they don't get handled a lot. | ||
| They don't get touched, they die. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They can literally die from not being held. | ||
| That's a trip. | ||
| Meanwhile, animals just fucking put their kids out and they're like, go, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| They kick them out of their nest. | ||
| Like, hey, fuckface. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get the fuck out! | |
| Learn to fly. | ||
| You ever seen those birds that fall off cliffs? | ||
| Who showed us that? | ||
| Was it Sturgill? | ||
| No, I think I did. | ||
| I think that was last time I was here. | ||
| I think it was you. | ||
| Yeah, the birds that fall just to see if they can stay alive. | ||
| They bounce off the rocks and half of them die. | ||
| Yeah, because right before I came on I saw that clip. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Dude, that was fucked up. | ||
| There's a lot of like dark shit in the animal community. | ||
| You think about the survival of these little beasts. | ||
| Absurd. | ||
| I was just reading about how many deer every year freeze to death in Idaho. | ||
| Don't ask me why. | ||
| But I was reading. | ||
| It's thousands. | ||
| It's like sometimes they lose thousands of animals. | ||
| And they even tried to migrate somewhere else. | ||
| I might have made up those numbers. | ||
| Might be hundreds. | ||
| It's like six. | ||
| It's a lot. | ||
| It's a lot. | ||
| They call it winter kill. | ||
| And when they have a hard winter, like a real hard winter, they lose hundreds and hundreds of animals. | ||
| This dead, frozen to death. | ||
| Imagine living in a place where you barely make it. | ||
| Like cryogenics. | ||
| When you go to cryo-healthcare and your legs are shaking, and you get out of there 3 minutes and 40 seconds, someone stays in there to 6, and they just become an ice cube. | ||
| That's fucking insane. | ||
| And that's where you live. | ||
| You don't have a house. | ||
| You're a stupid fucking deer wandering around through the woods. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's your life. | ||
| Trying not to get eaten. | ||
| That's like back in the Midwest, they would send out those flyers all the time for registered gun owners to go hunt because the overpopulation of the deer was so bad that they would die or that they would try to eat each other, which is crazy. | ||
| They'd turn into cannibals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, because there wasn't enough food, you know, so there was overpopulation. | ||
| There wasn't enough food, not enough land mass. | ||
| The deer eat each other? | ||
| They would try to eat each other. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I never heard of that before. | ||
| They would give you incentive to go hunt if you were a hunter, to go take care of some of the deer. | ||
| Well, there's two options. | ||
| Either you hunt them or you bring in something else that hunts them. | ||
| That second option is always a bigger problem. | ||
| Way bigger problem. | ||
| You change the whole makeup of it. | ||
| Yeah, well, California's kind of done that. | ||
| California's done a weird thing, because every other state manages their predator population. | ||
| California, you can bear hunt in California, but you can't do it in any effective way. | ||
| What that means is, like, there's two ways that are really effective ways to hunt bears. | ||
| One is over bait, so you would, like, leave some food down, and you'd wait in, like, a blind and hide, and the bear would come to get the food. | ||
| Because otherwise, places where bears live, they don't live in an open country. | ||
| They hide. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| They smell you miles away, like literally miles away. | ||
| If the wind is at your back and the wind blows across a valley and a bear is two miles away, he'll go like... | ||
| He'll know you're there. | ||
| And that's not even a joke. | ||
| I mean, it's a different kind of thing. | ||
| And then on top of that, they hear way better than you can imagine. | ||
| And they see pretty good, too. | ||
| So you're fucked. | ||
| Like, you're not going to find them. | ||
| So they have bear hunting in California, but it's very ineffective. | ||
| Like, most people don't actually get the bear. | ||
| So you can't put bait down. | ||
| I mean, it just had to be circumstance that you found. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The only other places where you can hunt bears effectively and it's not over bait are areas where there's like wide open spaces or these cut blocks. | ||
| What a cut block is where a lumber company comes in and chops down a bunch of trees. | ||
| And then these little roots grow up and these little tiny saplings and stuff and the bears like to come in and eat those and meadows. | ||
| So people go to meadows and occasionally you'll spot a bear there. | ||
| But it's predator control. | ||
| And then the other thing is with dogs. | ||
| The dog one is very problematic because people don't like that look, the idea of dogs baying up a bear in a tree and then you shoot it out of a tree. | ||
| It just seems really fucked up. | ||
| That makes sense to me. | ||
| The mountain lion one is another one. | ||
| Like, they stopped all mountain lion hunting in the state. | ||
| And they just decided... | ||
|
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Why, because they were going extinct? | |
| No, they're not going extinct. | ||
| No, there's a lot of mountain lions in California. | ||
| So why do they want to get rid of them? | ||
| It's a political thing. | ||
| It's the same thing as there's a grizzly bear ban in British Columbia. | ||
| You can't hunt grizzly bears in British Columbia. | ||
| But they have a lot of grizzly bears. | ||
| There's got to be a ton. | ||
| But there was a ban that was put together by animal rights activists and then signed by, it was really just a few thousand people that took an email poll, and then they passed this, 75% of them. | ||
| And now they're going to have a real problem with grizzly bears. | ||
| Because the people that passed this, they all live in Vancouver. | ||
| Vancouver's beautiful. | ||
| It's a city. | ||
| Yeah, it's a metro area. | ||
| There's no grizzly bears. | ||
|
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No. | |
| But those other people that live like north, you go like four hours past Vancouver and these people live in the forest, they have giant 10-foot monsters that eat cows that live in their fucking woods. | ||
| And you just said, you just made it illegal to shoot the monsters. | ||
| You don't even live around the monsters. | ||
| You don't even know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| You're on a high rise. | ||
| Also, where those people live, you can shoot as many wolves as you want. | ||
| So it's gotten so bad up there with wolves, you could shoot a hundred wolves a day. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| They need you to. | ||
| They want you to. | ||
| They give you money for it in some cases. | ||
| Get up and shoot wolves. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Dude! | ||
| Let's go shoot some fucking wolves. | ||
| Dude, I don't want to be around wolves that need to be shot. | ||
| I want to be around wolves where there's a healthy population where I don't have to do anything. | ||
| The last thing you want to do is be around wolves where there's so many wolves they have to shoot them. | ||
| That's when shit gets sketched. | ||
| That's when it gets sketched. | ||
| That's when they come after you. | ||
| Yeah, that's when there's a fucked up, there's a balance, there's an issue. | ||
| And that's what happens. | ||
| Everybody's like, well, leave the animals alone, they control their own population. | ||
| Yes, you're correct, but it'll take 30 years. | ||
| Are you willing to see this overpopulation of grizzly pears attacking wildlife, attacking people, attacking dogs, and breaking into people's houses? | ||
| Because that will happen, and we're encroaching in their land, sort of, but guess what? | ||
| If they find out where our food is, they're going to encroach into our land, too. | ||
| Do we have no land? | ||
| Do we just give up your house, man? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| Like, people don't have a realistic idea of what animal life is. | ||
| Like, animal life is beautiful, but it's also life with its own ideas about survival and what it wants to do. | ||
| And if you don't manage the predators, you're not going to have the other animals. | ||
| You're not going to have the deer. | ||
| You're not going to have the moose. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| You've got to manage everything. | ||
| And biologists know how to do it, but then we get involved. | ||
| Like, man, I just didn't want to see the bears die, man. | ||
| People are talking about bringing bears back to California. | ||
| These crazy fuckheads. | ||
|
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Ship them in. | |
| Yes. | ||
| Ship them in. | ||
| Well, we have a grizzly bear on our state flag. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| But the last grizzly bear was shot and killed in Lebec, California. | ||
| There's a city, well, I don't know if it was killed in Lebec. | ||
| Was that like up north? | ||
| Yeah, like near Bakersfield, on the way to Bakersfield. | ||
| And it was, I think the dude's name was Steven Lebec. | ||
| See if you can find that. | ||
| L-E-B-E-C. I believe he was the last man in California to be killed by a grizzly bear. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| And they went, that's a wrap! | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Peter LeBeck. | ||
| Peter LeBeck. | ||
| And killed by... | ||
| Axbear. | ||
| Axbear. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| What it says? | ||
| Axbear, I think. | ||
| Axbear. | ||
| I don't know what that means. | ||
| By Axbear! | ||
| I think that's like a space. | ||
| It's like a cross. | ||
|
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Because it's not totally an X. October 17th, 1837. Wow. | |
| October 17th, 1837. And that's when they just went hog and just killed all the bears. | ||
| They had huge bears in California, too. | ||
| They were like coastal brown bears, like the kind they have in Alaska. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Those enormous ones that you see, like they look like buses. | ||
| That's what they had here. | ||
| Was it Kodiak? | ||
| Kodiak. | ||
| Yeah, Kodiak. | ||
| That's a weird place. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| The Mystery of Peter LeBeck and the X-Bear. | ||
| Oh, so they did call it the X-Bear. | ||
| I wonder why they called it the X-Bear. | ||
| Okay, so it was out in Lebec, because it's now Fort Tejon, which is a fort off of the Five. | ||
| At the time, it says it's just the wilds of the Tehachapi Mountains, which, by the way, is the exact same area from There Will Be Blood, where Daniel Day-Lewis, that movie, There Will Be Blood, that's where they scored oil. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| It's out in that area. | ||
| Is that him right there? | ||
| That's homeboy. | ||
| That's homeboy. | ||
| They got jacked. | ||
| No, who is that? | ||
|
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That's Lieutenant Robert Williamson. | |
| What is Williamson? | ||
| Leading a government expedition and passed through Santa Clarita in 1853 as a part of an effort to find a practical route for a transcontinental railroad. | ||
| And then they found bears. | ||
| 1853, he noted unusually large number of grizzly bears in the area. | ||
| There's a lot of bears here. | ||
|
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Oh, boy. | |
| We should keep going. | ||
| Okay, well, hold on. | ||
| Stop, stop, stop, stop, scroll down. | ||
| It says, party led by Fitzgerald Beal, Lieutenant Edward Fitzgerald Beal, Commissioner of the Indian Affairs at the time, found the Lebec tree, a tree in 1854. Okay, so it's a tree where they, like, had something that they left to mark it. | ||
| It says, by 1890, the tree bark had grown over and covered the Lebec inscription. | ||
| Yeah, so there was a tree that had written on it. | ||
| This is where the body was remained. | ||
| The remains of a man, approximately six feet tall, who was missing his right forearm, both feet, and his left hand, along with two broken ribs on the left side, all consistent with a gruesome bear attack. | ||
| Yeah, baby. | ||
| So that's what they did. | ||
| When they had these bears in California, they were just jacking people. | ||
| So they killed them all. | ||
| They literally have no bears left. | ||
| Not just in California, but there's brown bears. | ||
| But no grizzly bears. | ||
| Brown bears are a much smaller bear. | ||
| Not only are they not in California, I don't even think they're close to California. | ||
| The hair along its back and shoulders appeared to form an X. Ah, that's a common X bear. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Where's all the grizzlies in Canada? | ||
| They're all north. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta go to like... | ||
| I think, if I'm correct, I don't think you can find them until you get to like British Columbia. | ||
| I don't think they're even in Washington State. | ||
| I think they have them in Idaho. | ||
| They have them in Wyoming. | ||
| They're starting to find them in Colorado. | ||
| In fact, my friend Adam Greentree, the guy who shot that bull up there, that giant buffalo, that water buffalo on the top of the flag, that dude... | ||
| Spotted and filmed them in, I think, the San Juan Mountains. | ||
| I think that's where it is. | ||
| I think that's the name of the range in Colorado where people are saying there's no grizzly bears. | ||
| But he found one. | ||
| He had a video of it. | ||
| He's like, that is a fucking grizzly bear. | ||
| Because he's from Australia. | ||
| That's how he talks. | ||
| Which state is the most grizzly bears? | ||
| 1,500 left in the lower 48 states. | ||
| About 800 live in Montana. | ||
| I was going to say, they've got to be up there. | ||
| 600 more live in Wyoming. | ||
| And there's an estimated 70 to 100 living in northern and eastern Idaho. | ||
| Okay, so I was right. | ||
| And two of them in Texas for some reason. | ||
| But they're in Colorado now. | ||
| Adam is right. | ||
| I guarantee he's right. | ||
| Because first of all, Colorado borders Wyoming, and it borders a lot of what that area is. | ||
| Like, what's on the edges of Colorado? | ||
| I know Wyoming's on one side. | ||
| I guarantee they've crossed in. | ||
| Because biologists, they're questioning this, the validity of this, but Adam's been around bears. | ||
| Not only has he been around bears, he's filmed himself getting charged with bears while he's holding up a pistol and put it on Instagram. | ||
| He was on a 28-day backcountry hunt in So what do we got here? | ||
| Colorado. | ||
| What's off to the left? | ||
| That's Utah. | ||
| Utah on one side. | ||
| There's no bear. | ||
| Wyoming on the top. | ||
| Yeah, so they come down from the top, man. | ||
| Guarantee you. | ||
| Yeah, Fort Collins is right there. | ||
| I guarantee you there's some grizzly bears there. | ||
| Adam knows. | ||
| The point is, this is not like me. | ||
| If I went into the woods and I was like, dude, I saw a grizzly bear. | ||
| Don't listen to me. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. | ||
| He knows. | ||
| He knows. | ||
| Are you sure, Joe? | ||
| He can see one a mile away, look at it through a spotting scope, and say, that is a grizzly bear. | ||
|
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|
Right. | |
| Where I can't. | ||
| I go, it's a fucking bear. | ||
| It's a big ass bear. | ||
|
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It's a big bear. | |
| Might be a big brown bear. | ||
| But he was positive it was a grizzly bear. | ||
| He said, that big fucking grizzly. | ||
| Fucking grizzly. | ||
| But other people have spotted him too and people have called bullshit on him. | ||
| But there he is right there. | ||
| This is him holding up the pistol. | ||
| And you see right by that tree to the left of that tree in the fog in the distance? | ||
| That's a fucking bear standing on its hind legs. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| See it? | ||
| See it standing up? | ||
|
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|
Fuck me. | |
| Fuck you, indeed. | ||
| The thing rushed him three or four times. | ||
| Now, here's where it gets crazy. | ||
| He had a gun, but the gun had the wrong size bullet, and he didn't even know it, but it was jammed. | ||
| So even though he thinks that he would be able to shoot that bear, he really wouldn't be able to because the bullet isn't even in the fucking chamber. | ||
|
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Shit. | |
| Look at that, 304,000 views. | ||
| I think that was in... | ||
| I believe that was in Idaho. | ||
| No, Udaho. | ||
| I think that was in Idaho. | ||
| That's where he was. | ||
| And then here's the other big thing. | ||
| You shoot that fucking thing and, you know, you're in real big trouble. | ||
| You have to prove that that thing was trying to kill you. | ||
| Well, if he had video, that's fucking amazing. | ||
| Yeah, he did. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why he filmed it. | ||
| Because he had been charged, bluff charged a few times. | ||
| It'd run up to within. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| It's always a woman with her babies. | ||
| Like, she's just trying to, not woman, female bear with her babies. | ||
| She's trying to protect. | ||
|
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These bitches are bears. | |
| You bitches in LA? You fucking bitch bears charging me? | ||
| It's a mama trying to protect her cubs. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| The dudes don't do that. | ||
| They won't charge? | ||
| No, they just eat you. | ||
| They'll fuck you up. | ||
| Yeah, if a dude is charging you, you're fucked. | ||
| It means it's really hungry. | ||
| It just wants you to get away. | ||
| Most of the time, the males will just run away unless you kill something and then it decides to take it from you. | ||
| Like, if you kill a deer... | ||
| And it wants it? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| You better let it fucking have it. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| And fuck off. | ||
| Well, in certain places, you have to. | ||
| Like, you're not even allowed to scare them off. | ||
| I think some states... | ||
| I mean, I would let it fucking have it. | ||
| There's some states... | ||
| It might be Montana? | ||
| No. | ||
| There's some... | ||
| It might be Wyoming? | ||
| Wyoming, maybe? | ||
| There's one state where once you shoot something... | ||
| It might be Idaho. | ||
| It's one of those states. | ||
| We just keep jumping. | ||
| Keep jumping. | ||
| It could be North Dakota. | ||
| If a bear finds your meat, you have to leave it alone. | ||
| You have to leave the bear with your meat. | ||
| You have to give up. | ||
| I mean, who's fighting that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I would let that shit go. | ||
| Most dudes won't, I bet. | ||
| I bet they'll shoot that thing. | ||
| Shoot the bear, just because? | ||
|
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Yeah, man. | |
| You know how hard it is to... | ||
| If you're on a backcountry hunt, and you finally get a deer, you know how hard that is to do? | ||
| It's so hard. | ||
| Yeah, but it'd be like Circle of Life type of shit, where you're like, meh, fucking... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Boom! | ||
| You're in their restaurant. | ||
|
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|
Boom! | |
| Right in the dick. | ||
| That's the dick bear sound? | ||
|
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|
Fuck you. | |
| Yeah, it's me against him. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| In the dick. | ||
| I just wouldn't go to a place that wouldn't let you scare off of them. | ||
| But first of all, I don't want to go to a place that has them. | ||
| No, see, that's my shit. | ||
| I'm not, no thanks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I only bird hunted when I was a kid. | ||
| Bird and deer, actually, I did deer, but I bird hunted a lot when I was a kid. | ||
| My dad loved bird hunting. | ||
| The thing about deer and, I mean, even bird hunting is like, if you're in the right place, you could run into a wolf or a bear. | ||
| Yeah, you could. | ||
| If you kill a bear in defense of life and property, bears killed in defense of life and property belong to the state. | ||
| If you kill a bear, you must remove the hide from the carcass and also salvage the skull. | ||
| By the way, that happened to my friend Cam Haynes. | ||
| This is how crazy bears are, bro. | ||
| He shot a bear with a bow and arrow, killed it, and then another bear claimed the body and started burying it. | ||
| This female bear. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| She just decided, this is mine. | ||
| I'm gonna eat this. | ||
| And because they cannibalize each other. | ||
| Oh, totally. | ||
| 100% of the time. | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| 100% of all bears are cannibals. | ||
| They just all cannibals. | ||
| If one bear's dead, the other ones just start eating it. | ||
| Babies, they start eating it. | ||
| This is how fucked up it is. | ||
| My buddy lives in Alberta, and his son watched a bear kill a cub, and then watched the mom eat the baby. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Like, the mom chased the bear off that killed the cub, and then she ate it. | ||
| Yeah, well, because it's dead at that point, what's she gonna do? | ||
| But it's just, what? | ||
| Nutrition. | ||
| Yeah, that is what it is. | ||
| It's nutrition. | ||
| I mean, that's literally how they, I mean, that's how they roll up there. | ||
| You've never looked at your kid and been like, I'm gonna fucking eat my kid. | ||
| Look at part, what part would you eat first? | ||
| Uh, for the fat, whatever the fattiest is. | ||
|
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|
Ugh. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Just pop the legs off. | ||
| When you're down to that point, like if you're in one of them situations like the movie where they crash in the Andes, when do you start eating people? | ||
| Do you look for the place where you jump off first? | ||
| Once you get to the point where you're thinking about eating each other... | ||
| I'm killing myself. | ||
| Yeah, I'm probably jumping off a cliff. | ||
| I'm jumping. | ||
| I don't want to eat fucking people, man. | ||
| See, people would walk out, bro. | ||
| But there's some places where you're just not walking out. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| You better get that out of your head because you don't have any food. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no water. | ||
| Like, there's nothing. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| You're not going to make it. | ||
| Yeah, that's a lie. | ||
| Is that the real guys? | ||
|
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|
I think so. | |
| Wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It was a soccer team, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And so they ate dudes who died. | ||
| Is this when they rescued them? | ||
| They took pictures of them? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| It must be. | ||
| That has them going back to the scene. | ||
| They look very happy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They look happy. | ||
| They must have been rescued. | ||
| That's crazy shit. | ||
| Is that the movie? | ||
| That's the movie. | ||
| That's the movie. | ||
| That's the bullshit. | ||
| That was the movie. | ||
| What's the real image? | ||
| That's the real image? | ||
| There it is. | ||
|
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|
Wow. | |
| That's fucked, man. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| How long did they live up there for? | ||
| 72 days, it says. | ||
| Oh, Jesus, that's a long time to be eating people. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You'd get old, too. | ||
| You'd be like, this guy's fingers don't taste good anymore. | ||
| They're eating everything frozen, too. | ||
| I don't even know if they can make fires. | ||
| They're scooping, like, they're using a spoon to scoop your asshole out. | ||
| They use your butthole as a fucking bowl. | ||
| They're just putting stuff in your butthole as a bowl. | ||
| Had they figured out fire? | ||
| Like, how to make a fire up there? | ||
| I think they did. | ||
| What would they even burn? | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Is those real bodies? | ||
| No. | ||
| You keep showing us pictures of the movie. | ||
| But what would they burn? | ||
| They'd burn whatever's inside that plane left over, like clothes, shirts. | ||
| That would go quick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That would go quick. | ||
| You gotta find some woods. | ||
| You gotta find some trees. | ||
| There's nothing up there. | ||
| They're way above the timber line. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And probably a bunch of people broken up. | ||
| They probably have bad backs and fucked up legs and shit from the accident. | ||
| I remember that movie was so fucked up. | ||
| It's a terrifying thing. | ||
| 12,000 feet altitude, too. | ||
|
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|
Woo! | |
| Wait, 12,000? | ||
| 11,800. | ||
| That's like literally just above the Timber. | ||
| Or no, no, no. | ||
| No, Timberline is like 13,500 or something like that. | ||
| You know what they give you when you have altitude sickness and you're at that height? | ||
| Cialis. | ||
| Boner pills? | ||
| Boner pills. | ||
| They want you to get hard so you just stop thinking about it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boner pills. | |
| Boner pills. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They give you a bottle of whiskey. | ||
| Skiing down the hill with just a fucking hard dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| What those things do is dilate. | ||
| They dilate your blood vessels, and apparently that helps you breathe easier when you're at high altitude. | ||
| Well, it definitely does, because we go to Breckenridge every year. | ||
| We have family up there, and we sleep. | ||
| Their house is halfway up the side mountain. | ||
| We sleep at about 11,200 feet. | ||
| That takes a while to adapt to. | ||
| It's not easy. | ||
| Well, if we go to Denver for three or four days, but three days beforehand, you get... | ||
| A little. | ||
| It's easier. | ||
| You get a little bump. | ||
| Easier. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But... | ||
| What else is... | ||
| There's another one that's just that... | ||
| Almost the same kind of... | ||
| Breck is one of the highest out there. | ||
| But yeah, we sleep at like 11, too. | ||
| It's anywhere from 10-7 right near the house and then to 11-2 is where it usually ends up. | ||
| Because I've got my altimeter on my phone. | ||
| I'm always like, I wonder how high. | ||
| Yeah, I use one of those too. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I always like knowing. | ||
| And doesn't it work even if you don't have service? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| Well, dude, the things are still sending data even if you don't have service. | ||
| GPS. Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, we've just accepted that the government's tracking us, right? | ||
| I'm fine with it. | ||
| Well, dude, when I first got to Japan, the first thing that I did, I was like... | ||
| Hello! | ||
|
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|
Konnichiwa! | |
| It flips over, and it tells you exactly where you are. | ||
| There was no service on it. | ||
| It was like, boop, pinpoint it. | ||
| Google Maps was like, whoop, you're right there. | ||
|
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|
Whoa. | |
| It's a trip, dude. | ||
| It's never not sending and receiving data. | ||
| Right, constantly. | ||
| Even on airplane mode, still sending and receiving data. | ||
| Well, I knew this lady used to work for CNN, and when she would go to places, if you had an iPhone, like she would go to these Middle Eastern places to have to talk to people and interview them, they would take your phone away if you had an iPhone. | ||
| If you had an Android phone, they'd take the battery out in the olden days. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if you had an iPhone, they'd just say, no, we're taking that phone. | ||
|
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|
Shit. | |
| You're being tracked and listened to. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Period. | ||
| You're in some fucking Bahrain place, some weird... | ||
| And they take away your iPhone? | ||
| Take away your phone. | ||
|
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|
That's fucked. | |
| What you'd meet with these people. | ||
| Do you do that at shows, by the way? | ||
| I do now. | ||
| Do you do the pouch thing? | ||
| The Yonder Patches? | ||
| Pouches, rather? | ||
| Dude, it's amazing. | ||
| That's a great idea, I've heard. | ||
| It changes the game. | ||
| It changes the show. | ||
| It's like, first of all, you could always, if you have important phone calls, all you have to do is just leave the room. | ||
| The phone will ring, you leave the room, you open the pouch, once you get out of the room, you can come back in, put it back in the pouch, you come back in. | ||
| So wait, the pouches are not with them, though? | ||
| The pouch is with you. | ||
| Oh, you save the pouch. | ||
| They have the key up front? | ||
| Yes, it's all locked up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And when you go out, they open it up. | ||
| Like people, I'm not giving my phone up. | ||
| You don't have to give your phone up. | ||
| It's in your hands. | ||
| But you're in this pouch, and when you go out, they open the pouch. | ||
| It takes three seconds. | ||
| It opens up. | ||
| You get the phone out. | ||
| So if you, like, say if you have a babysitter at your house or something like that, you think there's a real issue, you can check it. | ||
| But in the pouch, it doesn't disable the phone from getting service or anything. | ||
| No. | ||
| See, that's what I think they should figure out. | ||
| Well, that would be a problem if there was an emergency, though. | ||
| See, that would prevent... | ||
| See, what the thing is that's good about the pouch is that if you really, like, if there's some critical issue that you think could come up, you know your phone's ringing, like, okay, I'm gonna leave the room. | ||
| But then it gives people incentive to still have their phone on to ring. | ||
| Do you know what I mean? | ||
| That is true. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| See, that, to me, is saying, like, you know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| How often do the emergency... | ||
| If the show is two hours... | ||
| Right. | ||
| ...and an emergency happens within that gap of time of two hours, isn't that the universe just being like, this is life? | ||
| You have kids. | ||
| Nobody wants to hear that. | ||
| No, totally. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| But it's also like, I just feel like, you know, I don't know. | ||
| Dude, this show is so much fucking better. | ||
| It's way better without the phones. | ||
| Have you done one of those shows? | ||
| No. | ||
| You should come with me. | ||
| We'll do a gig together. | ||
| Yeah, I would love that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because the idea of it, I thought when I heard it, I was like, that's the most brilliant shit I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| It's phenomenal. | ||
| I'm telling you, it's phenomenal. | ||
| And I think it gets people mentally in a place where they're like, I'm just going to enjoy the show. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah, I don't have to fucking think about nonsense. | ||
| Dude, everybody's got their phone up. | ||
| Everywhere you go, they have their phone up filming everything. | ||
| They want to film everything, they want to take pictures of everything, and it's a distraction. | ||
| I just want to go see a friend of a friend play, you know, like a band and... | ||
| Even at like small nonsense venues, people still have their phone. | ||
| I'm not talking like, you know, it's like fucking, you know, a massively famous, like Bruno Mars, like every kid I'm sure is like, the whole time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| This is even like a small, tiny little venue where I was like, What? | ||
| It's like 80 people all have their phones out too? | ||
| I thought those would just be a little bit more chill. | ||
| I think it's less of an issue with music, although some people do have an issue with it. | ||
| But with music, you already know the songs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like with jokes. | ||
| Like say if you're working on a new hour. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you go to the Laugh Factory and five people in the audience are filming you and they want to put it on YouTube. | ||
| Like your jokes are half cooked. | ||
| You're trying... | ||
| Comedy is one of the weird art forms because you have to practice it in front of other people, right? | ||
| You could write it alone, but you really don't know how it goes together until you try it in front of other people and Out of all the bits that you have how many of them start off and they eat dick most Almost all of them. | ||
| There's like one or two that you do that you right away that hits and you're like, all right, fuck yeah, all right, that's good. | ||
| So many of them start desperately bad and try to figure out how to make them work. | ||
| I know there's something there somewhere. | ||
| Where the fuck is it, you know? | ||
| And you're trying to convey that to them. | ||
| You're like, trust me, this is not, you just haven't heard it yet. | ||
| Yeah, it's just, you'll hear it in a year. | ||
| Come back in a year, the ship will be golden. | ||
| And even then, like, even when you got something down, like, sometimes I take a chance with it. | ||
| Like, maybe I'm not totally done with this. | ||
| Maybe I'll take it on a left turn, like, ooh, oh, I fucked up the end. | ||
| I like stuff when I find that I tried once and I hated it, and, like, a year later, and then I tried again and it works. | ||
| Yeah, that's weird, right? | ||
| That I love, yeah. | ||
| But you don't even know why. | ||
| Like, what's wrong with me then and right with me now? | ||
| Something about the rhythm of the way you even thought about it. | ||
| Like, I think sometimes when I get an idea of a joke and the rhythm of the joke I can't even find, like, I'm like, I don't even know why. | ||
| I just kind of like the idea of that for some reason. | ||
| And then a year or two later you're like, Something else usually happens that goes that's just like when I felt blank and then these things kind of like mesh together. | ||
| It was just like the missing piece. | ||
| Well, what's in your head is so important. | ||
| That's why Theo Vaughn's so fucking funny. | ||
| It's my guy. | ||
| Because Theo's act is like so ridiculous. | ||
| Oh man, yeah. | ||
| And when you see it, if you saw it on paper, There's a lot of bits that you'd see on paper, you go, what is that? | ||
| That's funny? | ||
| And then you see him live, you're like, ah! | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Because in his head, he knows why that's funny. | ||
| He knows why that's funny, and then he tells it to you in the way that it's going on in his head, and you start fucking howling. | ||
| But if you're not totally sure if it's funny, which you usually aren't when you're trying something out on stage, they can kind of tell that you're not totally sure it's funny. | ||
| So if someone films that and then puts it on YouTube, that's not good. | ||
| Like, say maybe I'm an Andrew Santino fan, and I go, ah, his new bits kind of suck. | ||
| Like, no, you haven't really seen him. | ||
| This is an embryo. | ||
| Yeah, you saw the beginning stages of what is going to be. | ||
| Yeah, that's the whole filming of shows. | ||
| And they bust people at the store all the time for trying to do that. | ||
| But there's still people that try to get away with it, that you see poking up their phones. | ||
| Some of them are just fans. | ||
| Some of them are just fans. | ||
| I would say most people are just a fan. | ||
| They just want to have that little piece. | ||
| But I just think there's always fucking people that are up to no good. | ||
| Well, there's always people that are just, first of all, there's people that if you're a performer and they're not a performer, they don't give a fuck. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| They're not looking out for you. | ||
| Hey, I'm a fucking audience member. | ||
| You worry about what you're doing. | ||
| I'm a fucking guy who films. | ||
| I paid to be here, Pear. | ||
| That's what I do, alright? | ||
| I'm a filmer guy, and you're a performer guy. | ||
| So fucking perform while I film. | ||
| This next performer guy coming to the stage, you're gonna love him. | ||
| Someone said this to Sturgill. | ||
| Sturgill Simpson comes up to him in an airport and sticks a fucking camera in his face while he's talking to his friend. | ||
| Him and his friend are talking, and the guy's like holding the camera. | ||
| He's like, what are you doing, man? | ||
| He goes, hey, it's the price you paid, bro. | ||
| That's what he says to them. | ||
| It's the price you pay. | ||
| Nothing drives me more insane when people say shit like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the price you pay. | |
| I just decided. | ||
| That's what comes along with the territory. | ||
| Pay a tax, bro. | ||
| Time to pay the fame tax. | ||
| Fame tax! | ||
| Stand in front of you while you talk to your friend. | ||
| Like in any other... | ||
| In the world, that would be so rude. | ||
| Like, if you were just standing by, talking to your friend, and both of you were insurance salesmen, and a guy came up and put a phone in your face, you'd be like, who the fuck is this guy? | ||
| I'm insured by State Farm, so I get to do this. | ||
| Hey, hey, it's price you pay. | ||
| You want to be in public? | ||
| I get to film you. | ||
| That's a thing that people have decided, right? | ||
| Some people in their head, like this guy with the camera, that if you are a famous person, like anything you do, I'm allowed to film you. | ||
| Everywhere you go, I'm allowed to take pictures. | ||
| Because there's this big disconnect that people that are famous are people. | ||
| There's this thing that's like, no, you're ours now. | ||
| We made you famous, so now you're ours. | ||
| Whatever we want from you. | ||
| That idea is fucking crazy to me, that someone's like, they're barely human sometimes. | ||
| They don't treat people like, they're not human, they're just... | ||
| You know who's pretty good at it, pretty good, is the TMZ guys. | ||
| For the most part. | ||
| They come up to you with the cameras. | ||
| They're very good guys. | ||
| Like, for the most part. | ||
| A lot of them are actually comics. | ||
| They do it as side gigs. | ||
| A few of them, I knew war comics, yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, they're just struggling, and they meet people at the airport and ask them weird questions and shit. | ||
| Most of the time, it's no big deal. | ||
| Asiago cheese or cheddar? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| They have the fucking weird... | ||
| Sometimes the questions are so like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they're just trying to get at something. | ||
| But that's how they're getting by, you know? | ||
| Totally. | ||
| But it's just... | ||
| There's almost never a good idea to answer those questions. | ||
| No, dude. | ||
| You can look like a fucking idiot no matter what. | ||
| Like, someone got Anthony Bourdain at the airport, and they said, if you were gonna cook dinner for Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un, what would you serve? | ||
| And he says, hemlock. | ||
| And then all the MAGA assholes went fucking crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a poison! | |
| He's threatening to kill the president! | ||
| Someone immediately called the Secret Service and get arrested! | ||
| Fucking MAGA hats all filled with sweat around the brim. | ||
| Funky like a foot. | ||
| His hat smells like a foot. | ||
| He's gonna kill the president. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mr. Secret Service agent, I want you to arrest Anthony Bourdain. | |
| There's no joking about the president. | ||
| Meanwhile, all he does is crack jokes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wish he really did say that, that motherfucker line while he was president. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I mean, that shit would be hilarious. | ||
| If he did that as president, what would everybody do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go, you're not allowed to do that, sir. | |
| You are right now the president. | ||
| Do not. | ||
| Do not cuss. | ||
| That's kind of like a... | ||
| But I think that when he tweeted at Kim Jong Un and called him Little Rocket Man... | ||
| That was hilarious. | ||
| That was so funny. | ||
| That was hilarious. | ||
| That was just plain funny. | ||
| Did you see the one tweet? | ||
| He goes, I don't know why Kim Jong Un said I was old. | ||
| I would never say he's short and fat. | ||
| That's like a return to like a... | ||
| It's like a comic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's like, I don't smack the... | ||
| go to your work and smack the dick out of your mouth. | ||
| It's like the exact same thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is it. | |
| That's so funny. | ||
| But I mean, the fact that he just... | ||
| Like, this was... | ||
| This is the president saying this. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| Like, it's fucking hilarious. | ||
| But meanwhile, Kim Jong-un now wants to sign a peace treaty. | ||
| They want to meet. | ||
| They're going to meet. | ||
| They're going to meet. | ||
| Nobody wanted to meet with him before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Everybody's like, there's too dangerous. | ||
| I would never call him short and fat. | ||
| Oh, well, I try so hard to be his friend, and maybe someday that'll happen! | ||
| Yeah, see, he shits on you, shows you the consequences of you fucking with him, and then he opens up the door. | ||
| By the way, that's kind of what we do anyway. | ||
| That's like what friends do, that you shit on each other, and then you're like, dude, I love you, it's because I fucking... | ||
| Maybe someday that will happen. | ||
| Oh, well, I try so hard to be his friend. | ||
| This guy. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Look, there's a lot of things this guy does wrong, but he is fucking entertaining. | ||
| He's very entertaining. | ||
| There's never been a more entertaining president. | ||
| Not even close. | ||
| No. | ||
| He is the fucking grand champion of being an entertaining president. | ||
| As long as he doesn't blow us up and he gets out without getting in a box. | ||
| Like, it's highly possible he doesn't make it out of this one alive. | ||
| But if he does, if he gets through the whole thing... | ||
| I think he's gonna be good. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| I think he'll be fine. | ||
| Let me say this. | ||
| Whether it lasts four years or eight years, and look at all these, and a lot of liberals are like, what? | ||
| Never! | ||
| Never! | ||
| Never Trump! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never Trump! | |
| If it lasts four or eight years, the one thing that we will all say, we'll look back on, we'll go, man, that's crazy. | ||
| It took that thing for us to talk about a lot of things. | ||
| Like, the Me Too movement would have never happened if Hillary got in office. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Yeah, it would've. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I don't think so, man. | ||
| If Harvey Weinstein got exposed, the Harvey Weinstein thing was so egregious. | ||
| But I think all those things were tumble effects of what happened with him. | ||
| I agree, too. | ||
| But I think it all helped in together. | ||
| I'm just saying, I bet you the Harvey thing wouldn't have been so real had Hillary gotten in. | ||
| Because all the liberals that condemned all the liberals, like all the liberals that called out people like Harvey and everyone in our business, They would have been so gleeful of this Hillary thing. | ||
| I think that would have still been like, well, we'll cover it up like we've been doing for the past. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| But it's not like it just started. | ||
| It's been going on. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Why now? | ||
| But they suppressed stories before because they got these people to suppress. | ||
| I just didn't think the power of social media is just expanding. | ||
| I think the timing was perfect with Trump. | ||
| I'm just saying, I think those things led to it just being like, all right, that's it. | ||
| We have to do something about it. | ||
| I think it was definitely a factor. | ||
| But I bet you it wouldn't have happened so fast with Hillary. | ||
| I bet you that would have been a longer road. | ||
| Oh yeah, dude. | ||
| Because liberals would have gotten exactly what they wanted. | ||
| The only way it would have been a longer road is because Weinstein supported Hillary's campaign. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| That is possible. | ||
| They're all part of the same... | ||
| Because there was a lot of photos of them together. | ||
| Him with Obama. | ||
| Dude, he's got photos with everybody. | ||
| Yeah, everybody. | ||
| Him just hugging up on all these people that call him a monster now. | ||
| Yeah, dude, thumbs up. | ||
| He's a god. | ||
| Didn't Meryl Streep say he was a god? | ||
| Yeah, a godsend. | ||
| Yeah, a godsend. | ||
| But that's the same thing with Trump, though. | ||
| Like, how many celebrities do you see with pictures of Trump? | ||
| It's hysterical. | ||
| People that are diehard liberals that are like, be your best buds and all that shit. | ||
| They asked me to do The Apprentice when I was doing the second round of Fear Factor. | ||
| And you said, no way. | ||
| I don't want to live in New York for three months. | ||
| My youngest kid was very young. | ||
| Who was going to be on the show? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I would have loved to see who you would have gone up with. | ||
| Dude, I would have been so... | ||
| Dennis Rodman. | ||
| Non-competitive. | ||
| I would have been high as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cindy Lauper. | |
| Just having a good time. | ||
| I would have tried to come up with a good idea. | ||
| And if it didn't work out, eh. | ||
| Yeah, but you would have won. | ||
| That's why, because you didn't care. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| Yeah, the people that care, that's who loses. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I cared so little that I probably would lose. | ||
| I think you'd win. | ||
| I probably would barely be paying attention. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's who wins. | |
| The person that's like, eh, fucking maybe. | ||
| Don't you have to be good at business? | ||
| I'm fucking terrible at business. | ||
| Dude, do you see some of the people on that show? | ||
| They're all winging it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't. | |
| No, I mean, but like who they cast on it, they wing it. | ||
| It's like whoever they get. | ||
| This is, I've seen literally 13 seconds of that show, and it's all clips. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're fired. | |
| That's the best clip? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're fired. | |
| You're fired. | ||
| I just, I don't get it. | ||
| You're fired. | ||
| I just, it just didn't seem like a fun show. | ||
| Joe, I wish you came on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're fired. | |
| I would have McDonald's with you. | ||
| Mmm, I don't eat that shit. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I'll eat yours. | ||
| He eats fried chicken with a fork and a knife. | ||
| Dude, he's a comic act. | ||
| He is a comic act. | ||
| He is a cartoon. | ||
| He's an odd human, that's for sure. | ||
| Do you think he's going to run again? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But he's going to win again. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| He's going to win again? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I'm not saying, like, of course, there's people that are probably like, what's up with the Santino guy? | ||
| What is this fuck? | ||
| Dude, I just think... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You need to come to my Boyle Hearts gallery and see my Never Trump exhibit that was burned to the ground by Mexicans. | |
| How ironic. | ||
| Nazi coffee. | ||
| I just think he's going to win again. | ||
| I just do. | ||
| I think unless the Democrats can pull something together in the next year and a half, two years, there's someone that actually is like a formidable component. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, my activism is going to prevent that. | |
| I just think he's going to go again. | ||
| He might. | ||
| Look, if he's smart, and he clearly is a very clever man, if he's a clever man, it's entirely possible that he's got one round in the chamber for right around six to eight weeks out before the election. | ||
| One thing where he lets something happen, or shit goes down, and he has the perfect solution to put out that fire. | ||
| May's good to go. | ||
| They planned that stuff, man. | ||
| Totally, man. | ||
| They absolutely do. | ||
| There's people working on it right now. | ||
| The moment you get into office, they're trying to keep you in office. | ||
| And sometimes people die. | ||
| Sometimes people die. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People die. | |
| Yeah, sometimes people die, and it's just, hey, what are you going to do? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| President of Justice of the Marines. | ||
| What'd he say? | ||
| He wants soldiers in space. | ||
| He wants to create a space force. | ||
| Oh, what? | ||
| Dude, fuck yeah. | ||
| What'd he say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's shoot up this The international strategy for space recognizes that space is a warfighting domain What? | |
| Just like the land, air, and sea I don't like the way he says this. | ||
| And she. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They even have a space force. | |
| Space force. | ||
| We have the air force. | ||
| We have the space force. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We have the army, the navy. | |
| We have the Navy and a Space Force. | ||
| So what he does is he has a bunch of buddies that make spaceships. | ||
| So what he's going to do is make a fucking deal, make a nice deal, make a nice deal. | ||
| We sat down, we cut a nice deal. | ||
| And they're going to take another four trillion dollars and pump it into the Space Force. | ||
| And then they're all going to wear Luke Skywalker outfits. | ||
| They're all going to wear some sort of crazy space suit that looks dope. | ||
| And we're going to be all on board. | ||
| Yeah, Space Force! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Space war. | |
| Space war, dude. | ||
| Tight. | ||
| Can you imagine if we start seeing overhead, like we're in the sky, in the night sky, and you see rocket ships flying back and forth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So cool. | |
| Part of that Tesla thing, they were showing the US Air Force some maneuverability thing, whatever that was. | ||
| The last hour of the test, the experiment, was showing them something that they could do that wasn't really being talked about. | ||
| Elon Musk shooting that car into space is so funny. | ||
| Trump must make so many people nervous in other countries. | ||
| Like, just have him talking about a space war. | ||
| Just talking so flippantly. | ||
| I think a lot of people in other countries like him. | ||
| I think they're enamored by his just complete disregard for rules. | ||
| I think people love that he just doesn't give a shit. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| I think most countries are terrified. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| That this guy is running America. | ||
| I think like our friends do, but I think the majority of the other countries that don't give a shit about us are like, that guy's great. | ||
| I think our friendly countries, you know, like England, I'm sure is like, he's a nuisance, you know, but I think countries that don't give a fuck about us are like, that guy's hilarious, that guy's a weirdo. | ||
| Space war. | ||
| Imagine we had a space war with Russia. | ||
| That would be fucking awesome. | ||
| It'd be a great movie. | ||
| Like, how do we stop a war from breaking out? | ||
| Who is going to stop a war from breaking out? | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| It seems like they just keep pushing each other. | ||
| Like, someone's going to throw a sucker punch. | ||
| Yeah, it's going to happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Talking some shit? | ||
| Yeah, let's do it. | ||
| And then finally... | ||
| They're in the fucking hallway. | ||
| They're pushing each other. | ||
| Right. | ||
| No one wants to step to the left. | ||
| We keep hitting one or two books out of each other's hands. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's always right there. | ||
| It's always right there. | ||
| Then finally someone takes the hit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it could easily happen with some little banana republic, right? | ||
| That could start it off. | ||
| Some crazy dictator in Venezuela or some shit could send a missile at some other dude and fuck him up, and they're like, oh, bitch, is that what we're doing now? | ||
| And then we back this company, and then the Russians back the other guys, and next thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire, and we're in a fucking war. | ||
| I mean, we're so weird about war. | ||
| It's like we accept the fact that war exists, but only when it's not near us. | ||
| Not really interested in war. | ||
| That's close. | ||
| Can't be here. | ||
| Like, we have war in Afghanistan. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, but that's inevitable. | ||
| But war over here is like, no. | ||
| No way. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Not on my land. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| But if we're going to have war over here, I hope we can contain it to, like... | ||
| You know, like North Dakota or somewhere where I'm not near. | ||
| Yeah, some weird spot. | ||
| Some spot where we're like, dude, fight in the middle. | ||
| There's not a lot of shit. | ||
| Go over this spot. | ||
| You can have that area. | ||
| Go fight right here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If we fight right here, it'd be good. | ||
| We all designated this is a place we meet. | ||
| We fuck each other up. | ||
| What's date? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Connecticut. | ||
| Connecticut. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Nobody would cry. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| That's like after-school fistfights of like, meet you in the secret garden, dude, I'm gonna fuck you up, you know, and you'd wait all day, people'd be talking about it, like you heard about the fight. | ||
| You're a badass, bro? | ||
| You're a badass, bro? | ||
| Meet me in Connecticut. | ||
| You want to solve this the right way, dog? | ||
| Meet me in Connecticut. | ||
| I hope we don't get into war. | ||
| No. | ||
| But we're in one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See? | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| We are. | ||
| We're in one with some dudes who ride goats and they live in the mountains. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're in one with those guys. | ||
| But yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But it's over there. | ||
| I go to Starbucks every day. | ||
| I don't feel it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what it is. | |
| I don't even notice that we're at the war. | ||
| I go to get my Nazi coffee out in Boyle Heights and I'm straight. | ||
| It's white people coffee. | ||
| Weird white people coffee. | ||
| WP coffee. | ||
| It's just crazy that they could just scream, fuck white people. | ||
| And everybody's like, well, you know, they don't want to be gentrified. | ||
| No, that's not what they're saying. | ||
| That's not what they're saying. | ||
| I mean, they don't want white people moving in and opening up galleries. | ||
| You know what's another part of it? | ||
| This is where it gets really weird. | ||
| So I went in a rabbit hole. | ||
| I started reading a lot of things about it. | ||
| What I read was that part of it Is being hijacked by white artists that don't like the people that own the gallery. | ||
| So they get on the side of the people that want no gentrification and they sabotage the gallery because they have a personal feud with the guy who owns the gallery. | ||
| That's so fucked. | ||
| So there was a lot of that. | ||
| There was white artists that were teaming up against the white people. | ||
| They're teaming up on the side of the Hispanics. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Mexicans, Latinos. | ||
| I mean, I don't know if it's all Mexicans. | ||
| I mean, the east side is heavy. | ||
| It's Honduran. | ||
| I mean, it's just that neighborhood. | ||
| It's generally known as a Latino neighborhood. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| And these people want to keep it that way. | ||
| But it's just so fucked up. | ||
| Imagine if that was white people. | ||
| If brown people were moving in and white people were going, fuck brown art and fuck this. | ||
| Nazis hate racism. | ||
| Fuck brown art. | ||
| But if it's against white people, we don't automatically see it as racism, including the people that are saying, fuck white art. | ||
| Like, they don't think of it as racism. | ||
| Because it's against the people that are moving in that happen to be wealthy, that can afford to buy. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| They're pushing people out. | ||
| So, if you say, fuck white people, it's not racist. | ||
| But the same people that agree with that? | ||
| You know the same people that are like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like the same white people that agree with the protesting? | ||
| They're rich. | ||
| They're already up there anyway. | ||
| There's a little of that. | ||
| And it's just it's convenient because they're not that thing. | ||
| It's like I read this one woman was tweeting that here's an unpopular opinion. | ||
| I'm not at all uncomfortable about the idea of men being falsely accused of sexual assault and sexual harassment. | ||
| Like, that is a crazy thing to say. | ||
| What if it was your son? | ||
| What if it was your brother? | ||
| What if it was your dad and they were a good person? | ||
| And accused of something. | ||
| You don't feel bad because you don't like men? | ||
| All men suck? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| That is sexist. | ||
| Well, they do. | ||
| You might not think it's sexist, but it's fucking sexist. | ||
| It's hardcore sexist. | ||
| If all men sucked, if all men were violent monsters, girls, you'd all be dead. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| You'd all be dead. | ||
| Someone along the way would have done something terrible. | ||
| We're not all bad. | ||
| Some of us are bad. | ||
| Some men are bad. | ||
| I wouldn't even say us. | ||
| Some males of the species are bad. | ||
| Some females are bad. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's not even a part of it. | ||
| It's like people are bad. | ||
| I don't understand this whole thing. | ||
| Like all people are good. | ||
| Most people, I think, are good. | ||
| But a lot of people are not good. | ||
| There's a lot of people. | ||
| So if there's... | ||
| Like we were talking about the number of... | ||
| What was that weird statistic about... | ||
| That we pulled up one out of, uh... | ||
| 0.6%? | ||
| What was that that we were just discussing? | ||
| Micropenis. | ||
| Yes, micropenis people. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So if that's how many people have a micropenis, how many people are fucking assholes? | ||
| Right? | ||
| More than have micropenises. | ||
| Way more! | ||
| Yeah, so if you have a hundred people, right, and 0.6 have a micropenis, two are assholes. | ||
| Flaming assholes. | ||
| And imagine being an asshole and having a micropenis. | ||
| You're in trouble. | ||
| You probably never develop real asshole tendencies because you'd be so intimidated that someone in the middle of a rant would just pull your pants down. | ||
| Shut the fuck up! | ||
| And then everyone's like, oh my god! | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| There's way more assholes, but some of those assholes are women. | ||
| So like, on National Women's Day the other day, a couple people that I know retweeted this. | ||
| Someone was like, believe women, trust women, embrace women, support women. | ||
| Some! | ||
| Yes, some. | ||
| Some are great. | ||
| Some women are amazing. | ||
| Some men are amazing. | ||
| Some humans are amazing. | ||
| Humans can be amazing. | ||
| This whole, like, gravitating towards one gender, specifically just because they have a vagina, or specifically just because they have a penis, is equally stupid. | ||
| It's equally stupid on both sides. | ||
| And it also creates divisiveness. | ||
| It creates conflict. | ||
| Because we're aware, us on the team penis, that you're fully in support of team vagina. | ||
| That's all you're about. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're about Team Vagina. | ||
| And you know, over here as a penis fan, I'm like, this is bullshit. | ||
| You know, I'm willing to tolerate those vagina fans, but they're shitting all over penises. | ||
| I'm getting tired of you shitting on penises. | ||
| I'm getting tired of it. | ||
| Enough! | ||
| You know, it's like, can the Dolphins and the Raiders have a healthy relationship amongst the fans? | ||
| Can they get together and share a stadium together without any gang fights? | ||
| No. | ||
| Isn't it possible? | ||
| No. | ||
| Not in that example, no. | ||
| No. | ||
| But it's the same thing with Team Penis versus Team Vagina. | ||
| Here's an unpopular opinion. | ||
| I'm not at all uncomfortable with Raiders fans getting gang-raped or stomped to death in the parking lot. | ||
| Fuck the Raiders. | ||
| Hashtag fuck the Raiders. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's something a retard would say, right? | ||
| Yeah, that's insane. | ||
| A really stupid fuck who was like an anti-Raiders guy would say something like that and you'd get like a hundred likes. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Yeah, fuck em! | ||
| Fuck em! | ||
| Fuck em! | ||
| I hate that futurist female quote. | ||
| I think that's such an annoying quote. | ||
| Good luck just eating each other's pussies, you crazy bitches. | ||
| You're never going to get pregnant. | ||
| It's such an insane thing to say. | ||
| It's so annoying. | ||
| It's a stupid thing to say. | ||
| What are you really saying? | ||
| How about the future is masculine? | ||
| Imagine what a piece of shit you'd have to be to walk around with a t-shirt that says the future is masculine. | ||
| The future is human beings. | ||
| Hopefully we're nice to each other. | ||
| Getting along. | ||
| Doing each other good and being right to one another. | ||
| We're all important. | ||
| All of us. | ||
| Males, females, everyone. | ||
| Yeah, this whole human ecosystem needs each other. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| But women can walk around with those futures female shirts and not feel stupid. | ||
| That's fucking... | ||
| Well, because it's supported, right? | ||
| Yeah, hey! | ||
| Yeah, but we say that here. | ||
| Hey, Debbie, I fucking love... | ||
| First of all, love your shirt. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I'm with you, 100%, sister. | ||
| They can do that here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| But I'm going to tell you, you go do that in certain parts of the country and people are like, what the fuck is that shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The fuck is that? | |
| Dyke! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dyke! | |
| It's crazy when it's heterosexual women. | ||
| Can you imagine if men said that future's masculine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're just going to be done with all this girl shit and just buttfucking the street. | |
| Right. | ||
| Girls suck. | ||
| Come here, Steve. | ||
| Yeah, it's stupid. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| It is taking one gender and deciding that's what you're really into. | ||
| That is just as stupid as taking one skin color. | ||
| Totally. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just as stupid as, I'm really only into dudes who are over six feet tall. | |
| Anybody under six feet tall should be dead. | ||
| I don't like to talk to them. | ||
| I have a team. | ||
| My team's six feet. | ||
| Like, we could always decide some new thing that we don't like somebody about. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or for. | ||
| And so we always decide, like, yeah, those fucking assholes from the town across the tracks. | ||
| Like, we'll have, like, a boundary line and decide those people are them. | ||
| Imaginary lines. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We put up a fence. | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| Fence them! | ||
| We're gonna meet in the parking lot on Saturday night, and if they don't say that we're the best, we're gonna fucking kill them. | ||
| And people don't see it. | ||
| For whatever reason, if you have a future is female t-shirt on, you don't see it that way because you are just in support of feminism, in support of equal rights, in support of women doing powerful things, and you think, this is a step in the right direction. | ||
| But it's not. | ||
| The future is female, that's not a message that is good. | ||
| The future is happy, loving people. | ||
| That's a good message. | ||
| The future is good, honest people not fucking hurting each other. | ||
| Good people trying to do well for each other, trying to facilitate communication and growth and learning about each other and tolerance. | ||
| Just be nice to each other. | ||
| Not the future's masculine. | ||
| Fuck off, you dork. | ||
| You fucking half a man. | ||
| You half a man. | ||
| Can you imagine if a guy's walking off, the future's masculine. | ||
| He has a tattoo. | ||
| It's right above his dick. | ||
| Suck the masculinity out of me. | ||
| Sometimes you can see the top letters because it's shaped like a big smile. | ||
| He's got a big smiley face. | ||
| Yeah, it's a smile, but it says the future's masculine. | ||
| You can see the E and the T poking out of his underwear when he takes those dick root pictures. | ||
| You know those pictures that guys take when they pull their pants down? | ||
| He takes them all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know those guys? | ||
| They'll take a picture of their pants. | ||
| With the fuck runway and all that shit? | ||
| It's pulled right to the dick root. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Sweatpants, just getting back from the gym. | ||
| Like, basically showing the base of their cock. | ||
| Because they got the fucking, the runners, the fuck runner muscles, the fuck muscles. | ||
| Yeah, that's where Jamie's got that, the futurist masculine quote. | ||
| The big smiley face. | ||
| Did you get it removed? | ||
| It's like, I need to go back. | ||
| You can't go just once. | ||
| Yeah, it takes more time. | ||
| Lasers above your dick has to be very nerve-wracking. | ||
| You know, they make you put goggles on. | ||
| Pop, pop, pop. | ||
| Have you seen that thing they do when they're removing tattoos? | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| Pop, pop, pop, pop. | ||
| So painful. | ||
| It's like they're shooting a laser. | ||
| It looks like the most painful shit I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| Your skin's crackling. | ||
| Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop. | ||
| To listen to it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, it's fucking awful. | ||
| You're cooking. | ||
| You're cooking the skin, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You have to burn it. | ||
| You have to burn it. | ||
| Yeah, I know this girl was getting this big tattoo on her back removed. | ||
| And she was at the beach, and her whole back was like, her lower back was this big red thing. | ||
| It was like, it was halfway done, and she had just gotten a recent, like she had to put sunscreen all over it, because it couldn't hit the sun. | ||
| Yeah, it can't be in the sun. | ||
| Yeah, I was like, what is that? | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| You're cooking your skin. | ||
| Do you have any tattoos? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Me? | ||
| I got none. | ||
| My whole arms are sleeved. | ||
| Oh yeah, what am I thinking? | ||
| What the fuck am I talking about? | ||
| New tattoo removal technology. | ||
| Look at that guy's got to get goggles on. | ||
| It's so funny, I'm like, do you have tattoos? | ||
| I know you have tons of tattoos. | ||
| I'm not thinking because I'm not seeing any right now. | ||
| Well, I'm covered up. | ||
| Yeah, but you often cover them up. | ||
| Well, because they're a distraction, like on stage. | ||
| Yeah, you do. | ||
| Look at that, he's just going over. | ||
| That's pretty amazing how quick it makes it disappear. | ||
| Is that new? | ||
| Yeah, I saw one the other day that was just like, she was going over the skin and it was not, didn't seem like it was harming the untattooed skin. | ||
| Yeah, but you know what they say? | ||
| It's kind of like, um, it looks, it looks... | ||
| Whoa, that's crazy! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is fucking crazy. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| But you still have to go back a bunch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Maybe you do, bro. | ||
| I go once, doggy! | ||
| I go once, bro. | ||
| It seems like it would be amazing. | ||
| Where's that shit? | ||
| That was in... | ||
| This is Spa Medica, but I don't know if that's the place. | ||
| Because I have an old tattoo on my shoulder that I want to get rid of so I can finish my right sleeve. | ||
| It says the future is masculine. | ||
| It does. | ||
| It says it in all dicks. | ||
| Spelled out with little cocks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you know how you have a picture and you look very close to the picture? | ||
| The magic eye? | ||
| It's all other pictures that are put together to make a bunch of different portraits, all to make one portrait. | ||
| That'd be cool. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Just all dicks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You'd have to go to a master tattoo artist. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Look at this guy covering his eyes. | ||
| He's got tattoos all over his face. | ||
| Holy shit, man. | ||
| I am seeing more of that than I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| That's the new shit, dude. | ||
| Look how quick that works, man. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| How old is that article? | ||
| It's pretty new this year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| Find it for me, Jamie. | ||
| I'm gonna get something removed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jamie, get on the web. | |
| You don't have any? | ||
| You got none? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Are you thinking about getting something? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Not even after this conversation? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| What about The Future is Masculine? | ||
| Maybe I'll get that. | ||
| Maybe I'll get that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I might get that. | ||
| But I want to get it above my butt. | ||
| So whenever there's a guy back there and he's looking down, he can know that I'm in support of dudes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's me and you, bud. | ||
| It's me and you, bud. | ||
| Yeah, you and me together with the right ideas. | ||
| No. | ||
| Get it? | ||
| I don't think I can commit to something like that. | ||
| No. | ||
| I couldn't do it. | ||
| The fucking getting a tattoo to me was always like, I just can't. | ||
| I fucking can't do it. | ||
| I thought about it for years and then I was like, but every friend I had got a bad one. | ||
| Isn't the Futurist Feminine sort of like if you have a brown power tattoo? | ||
| You're allowed to have brown power. | ||
| Brown power? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you had a brown power tattoo? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're a brown person, traditional laser does this. | ||
| Let's play some Beverly Hills. | ||
| The PicoSure laser, what does it do? | ||
| It does this, bitch! | ||
| Gone! | ||
|
unidentified
|
See ya! | |
| Fuck out! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck outta here, bitch! | |
| Done. | ||
| Replay! | ||
| That looks pretty dope, dude. | ||
| I might have to go get that shit done. | ||
| Because I've been putting off getting this tattoo. | ||
| Who's the broad at the bottom? | ||
| Yeah, she's good looking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's like, hey, I had one above my box and they took it out. | |
| It was a bunch of dicks. | ||
| She had a bunch of gang stuff on her forehead. | ||
| Bunch of dicks pointing to my box. | ||
| I was a kid. | ||
| I was a gang. | ||
| I was in a gang. | ||
| Ooh, it just disappears. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Revealing a beautiful future. | ||
| This is the real truth. | ||
| This is how it actually happens. | ||
| You know what I need in here right now? | ||
| I need like a pee bucket. | ||
| I have to pee so bad. | ||
| Go pee, man. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| We'll talk shit about you while you're gone. | ||
| What makes you uncomfortable that we talk about? | ||
| We'll start with that. | ||
| The future is masculine. | ||
| Now I gotta hear it when I come back. | ||
| This makes me sad. | ||
| I get the... | ||
| I'm a hypocrite, though. | ||
| Because, like, one of my favorite fighters, Cain Velasquez, he's got brown pride tattooed on his chest. | ||
| Never bothered me for a second. | ||
| His dad walked here from fucking Mexico. | ||
| You know, like, if you're a part of a disenfranchised community, and you feel like you are... | ||
| And you have that on. | ||
| It's like you're taking pride in something that's considered maligned, right? | ||
| But I guess women would think the same way, in a more mild way, that they're disenfranchised to. | ||
| What are they going to do with all that tramp stamp thing? | ||
| That's done, right? | ||
| No, some girls are still getting them. | ||
| Now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| There's some dumb people out there, bro. | ||
| Okay, but what is a tramp stamp? | ||
| A tramp stamp is only when it's your lower back. | ||
| But your whole back. | ||
| I know a lot of people that are getting their whole back done. | ||
| I mean, they're getting their butt done, everything. | ||
| Which I think is probably not the best move. | ||
| Because asses look really good when they're well-formed. | ||
| You know what it's like? | ||
| It always seems to me... | ||
| What are you showing me? | ||
| Wow, look at that. | ||
| Goddamn, that's gorgeous. | ||
| Look, go back to that full screen. | ||
| Like, go below. | ||
| Go below. | ||
| Go below. | ||
| There's a tiger, low right of that screen. | ||
| Look at that one. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Bam. | ||
| Look at that back. | ||
| Holy shit, that's crazy. | ||
| That's really good work. | ||
| Who made that one? | ||
| Does it say? | ||
| Oh, it just says 100 awesome back tattoo ideas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just think, ladies, leave your ass alone. | ||
| Please. | ||
| Don't get crazy. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Like, or, if your ass is so good, you could tattoo the shit out of it and it still looks amazing. | ||
| But you gotta be really careful what artists you go to. | ||
| That is the thing about tattoos. | ||
| You gotta really make sure. | ||
| Like, before I got my sleeves done by this guy, Aaron Della Vadova. | ||
| Shout out to Aaron. | ||
| From Guru Tattoo in San Diego. | ||
| I'd seen his work online a bunch. | ||
| I mean, he's a real legit artist. | ||
| His work's amazing. | ||
| I knew that this guy was, like, super good at tattoos. | ||
| But there's a lot of people that get some whack-ass tattoos. | ||
| I don't understand how people don't have the patience to wait for that good artist. | ||
| They get nutty. | ||
| I need it today. | ||
| Do you have tattoos? | ||
| All over his dick. | ||
| Have you thought about it? | ||
| The one that we know. | ||
| Have you seen they have glow-in-the-dark tattoos now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gotta be good for you, right? | ||
| Whatever makes it glow-in-the-dark. | ||
| Definitely not gonna fuck you up for the rest of your life. | ||
| It's all natural, as far as we know. | ||
| If you were gonna get a tattoo, what do you think you'd get? | ||
| So, I don't know. | ||
| Like Pride? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or like, well, White Power, maybe? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Look at that girl in the dark tattoos. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That looks fucking cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at it. | |
| That's amazing. | ||
| Holy shit, dude. | ||
| Back up to that last one that you just went to? | ||
| No, with the girl's back? | ||
| Right there. | ||
| No, to the right of that one. | ||
| To the right of that one. | ||
| No. | ||
| Look at that picture up at the top bar and go to the right of it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Bam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| That's someone's arm, right? | ||
| Is that someone's arm? | ||
| Is that an arm? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I thought it was her back. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I thought it was, like, leaning forward. | ||
| Fuck, that's incredible. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, then you have black lights over your house like you're in college again, though. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Like, your whole house is a college dorm. | ||
| You have to have black lights everywhere and you have to have empty booze bottles filled with things that make them glow and shit. | ||
| Every room you go into is a college dorm because you are the black light poster. | ||
| The black light poster. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| What would I get? | ||
| Probably something representative of Chicago or back home. | ||
| Fucking Chicago. | ||
| Shut down. | ||
| A deep dish pizza and a bullet. | ||
| Probably get old style and a hot dog on my shoulders. | ||
| I'd get a snow shovel and a fucking bratwurst. | ||
| He's got a high cholesterol chart reading and everything's up at the top. | ||
| But I'm fine. | ||
| But everybody's fine. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| Everyone's got a fat gut and fine and a big smile. | ||
| Heard Joe Rogan's making fun of us, dude. | ||
| I don't like that. | ||
| Making fun of Chicago. | ||
| Tell him to fuck off. | ||
| That's what I say to Joe Rogan's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, boycott your fucking shitty show on June 8th. | |
| At the Chicago theater. | ||
| Is Joe Rogan's and Seth Rogan's, are they brothers? | ||
| Joe Rogan's? | ||
| They know each other. | ||
| He's different than that other guy, right? | ||
| Different guy? | ||
| Seth Rogan got mad. | ||
| Fate got mad at me. | ||
| He goes, everyone spells my name wrong because of you. | ||
| Sorry, dude. | ||
| It's just a dumb way of spelling it. | ||
| You gotta stop using an E at the end. | ||
| Rogan. | ||
| Rogan? | ||
| Rogan? | ||
| It's Rogan. | ||
| Rogan. | ||
| R-O-G-A-N. It's English? | ||
| Mine's Irish. | ||
| His is English. | ||
| Did you see this crazy fucking... | ||
| Yeah, this bong that he uses. | ||
| $500 gravity bong. | ||
| It's a little too much for a gravity bong, but you just smoke a joint. | ||
| $500 for a gravity bong. | ||
| But look at it. | ||
| It looks crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Seems like a real good idea. | ||
| Look. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at my joint. | |
| Watch him flip the- look, he flips his shit right upside down. | ||
| Gas station lighter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gas station lighter, joint, we're good. | ||
| You don't need a $500 bong. | ||
| Seth Rogen's so serious. | ||
| I handed him stoner of the year award once. | ||
| One of the high times awards. | ||
| $500? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| People are always trying to give me these fucking things. | ||
| Did you get stoner of the year award? | ||
| Yeah, I got it once, right? | ||
| Didn't I get it? | ||
| They were offering it to me. | ||
| I think I might have had to go to get it. | ||
| I was going to say, you probably were like, I can't go, man. | ||
| Yeah, I wasn't going to go. | ||
| I can't go. | ||
| I hosted the Doobies one year, which was fun. | ||
| It was like an award show. | ||
| That was in like 2001. Yeah. | ||
| And then I gave an award to Seth Rogen another time. | ||
| But they've asked me to perform at those before, and I did it once for the Doobies. | ||
| It's just, everyone's high as a kite. | ||
| It's all weird. | ||
| It's just, I mean, you- They don't know when to laugh and shit. | ||
| They're just so out of it. | ||
| Yeah, so hot. | ||
| The craziest show ever? | ||
| It's the underground comedy show in Toronto. | ||
| You ever done that place? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Dude. | ||
| They have a bong shop, and in the back room, it's all a comedy show, but it's all people smoking pot in the room. | ||
| It's a hot box. | ||
| While you're doing the show. | ||
| Oh, yeah! | ||
| They have bongs on the tables. | ||
| Dude, people are blitzkrieged. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| You are so high when you're on stage. | ||
| You can't remember what you were talking about three seconds ago. | ||
| I mean, it's so bad. | ||
| And it's thick. | ||
| Like, smoke everywhere. | ||
| Like, there's no ventilation. | ||
| Well, you can't do material. | ||
| You just have to go fuck around. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you could try to do material. | ||
| I definitely have tried. | ||
| But, like, I took Tripoli there, and Tripoli doesn't really get high. | ||
| At least he didn't. | ||
| I don't think he does. | ||
| I think he might have been sober. | ||
| But, dude, he got blitzkrieg just breathing the air in this place. | ||
| Just got fucking ripped. | ||
| The whole place is... | ||
| Did he bomb? | ||
| I don't think anyone bombed. | ||
| They were very friendly. | ||
| See, I feel like that's such a bomb venue where you're like, I'm never going to do well in here. | ||
| They're not paying attention. | ||
| You're just out of it. | ||
| It's just the whole thing. | ||
| You're off. | ||
| Everything's off. | ||
| You're so hot. | ||
| But that's also where I did a thing. | ||
| The Iron Cheek came on stage in that place. | ||
| You ever seen that video with the Iron Cheek? | ||
| Joe Rogans! | ||
| And he starts talking to me. | ||
| That's when I realized the price that pro wrestlers pay. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| The health. | ||
| Like this poor... | ||
| The fella is in crutches and shit. | ||
| He can barely walk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's him and me on stage The olympics is freestyle wrestling sir | |
| Absolutely. | ||
| One of the highlights of my life. | ||
| Being on stage high as giraffe pussy talking to the Iron Sheik in a room with a pot leaf behind me. | ||
| That's a big old pot leaf. | ||
| Was he ripped too? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| There's not a sober eye in the house. | ||
| There was no one sober in that place. | ||
| I literally don't think it would be possible to be sober in that room. | ||
| I just don't think you could be. | ||
| There's no air in that room. | ||
| No, yeah, they trap you. | ||
| Yeah, like all the fire, there's fire, like the little candles and stuff on the table. | ||
| I'm like, it's running out of air. | ||
| They don't have any air to stay lit. | ||
| The flame is flickering out. | ||
| It's all weed smoking here. | ||
| Everybody's like this, like the whole audience. | ||
| These candles burn on weed, Joe. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| But the shows there are always real weird. | ||
| People go there and just... | ||
| It's in Vancouver? | ||
| No, it's Toronto. | ||
| Toronto, Toronto. | ||
| Wrong side. | ||
| I forget what it's called. | ||
| Comedy Underground or something like that? | ||
| Puffmama Underground Comedy Club. | ||
| Underground Comedy Club, yeah. | ||
| We've done it a couple of times. | ||
| Are they still doing shows and shit there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They are? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't give up. | ||
| They forgot. | ||
| Every time they get too high, they forgot they got too high. | ||
| We had to stop it, but we didn't remember to. | ||
| Who's coming up there? | ||
| Give them a plug. | ||
| Underground Comedy. | ||
| Puffmama.ca. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Fun place, though, and very, very nice people. | ||
| Did it a few times. | ||
| Dope and Mike. | ||
| Although they did tell a bunch of people that I was coming and I wasn't coming and then people got mad at me and like, hey, hey, hey, I didn't fucking say I was coming. | ||
| Somebody said I was going there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If someone promotes your shit and you're like, did I say it? | ||
| Or did you hear it from another party? | ||
| If you didn't hear me promising, I was like, you fucking promised you're going to be there, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We've got tickets. | |
| Tell this to us before, Joe. | ||
| We couldn't get tickets at your other place. | ||
| Hey. | ||
| Just so many people. | ||
| There's just so many people in the world. | ||
| Where's your least favorite spot to perform? | ||
| I don't really have one. | ||
| Not like a city, but what's the least ideal situation? | ||
| I'm not trying to tag out a city. | ||
| Least ideal is always a late show and a Friday night and a place where people are dumb. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right? | ||
| And they're dumb, and they're drunk, and they're sad. | ||
| And they're fucked up out of their mind. | ||
| But I'll tell you what, man. | ||
| There's places that you go that don't get a lot of love, and then when you go there, the fucking shows are awesome. | ||
| Like, Bakersfield was awesome. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Just did it. | ||
| Just did it a couple weeks ago. | ||
| It was fucking amazing. | ||
| They were incredible. | ||
| They were one of the best audiences ever. | ||
| Lively, fun. | ||
| By the way, same place, Tehachapi Mountains. | ||
| That's right near where the guy got killed by a bear. | ||
| That's right near where there will be blood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I drink your milkshake. | |
| That was right there. | ||
| That was that whole area. | ||
| Those people are fucking great. | ||
| They were cool. | ||
| They were really cool. | ||
| You sound like you're surprised. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like you were like, okay, they were good. | ||
| I'm like, I gotta give it a chance. | ||
| Burr and I talked about it on a podcast like two years ago. | ||
| We should do just a tour of places where people don't want to go. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, that'd be kind of fun. | ||
| He and I talked about doing it. | ||
| We were going to talk about doing it in Bakersfield. | ||
| And we never get around to doing it. | ||
| And so I said, I'm just going to go by myself. | ||
| So I decided to go. | ||
| I had a great fucking time. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| Yeah, but those people deserve comedy too. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| That's why when you go somewhere small, most of the time they appreciate it more because they're like, dude, no one ever comes through here. | ||
| You know what else is great? | ||
| Fresno. | ||
| Yeah, Fred's never been there either. | ||
| Fresno's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fucking fun, man. | ||
| Did two shows in Fresno. | ||
| Had a great time. | ||
| You have no idea how many people right now in Fresno are losing their minds over their fucking show. | ||
| Fresno has some serious soul food. | ||
| Some legit soul food. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fresno's how far? | ||
| I wish I could remember the place. | ||
| I got the name of the place somewhere on my phone. | ||
| How far is Fresno from here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a solid four-hour drive. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's almost to San Francisco, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A little south. | ||
| Probably to an hour and a half south. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Yeah, it's about... | ||
| About four hours drive. | ||
| I forget the name of this fucking place. | ||
| There was a soul food place in Fresno? | ||
| Yeah, I'm not going to be able to find it. | ||
| See if you can Google soul food in Fresno. | ||
| It's one of the highly ranked restaurants. | ||
| There's not a lot of choices in Fresno for food. | ||
| Chef Paul's or Doll's Kitchen? | ||
| I think it's Chef Paul's. | ||
| Can you see if you can find a picture of it? | ||
| 4.6. | ||
| Yeah, that's the spot. | ||
| It is Chef Paul's. | ||
| Gotta be a 4.6, baby. | ||
| Dude, they have oxtails. | ||
| I love Oxtail. | ||
| That is the place. | ||
| Cool artwork on the wall. | ||
| That place, if you are near Fresno, if you're like an hour outside of Fresno, drive there. | ||
| If you're on your way, you're passing through, and you go, that's probably not something good there. | ||
| Ooh, a little shrimp gumbo? | ||
| Dude, they had chicken and waffles. | ||
| They had ribs. | ||
| I had tri-tip. | ||
| They had catfish, I believe. | ||
| But the braised oxtail was off the charts. | ||
| I love oxtail, man. | ||
| It was so good, man. | ||
| They had collard greens. | ||
| That was amazing. | ||
| They had braised cabbage. | ||
| That was sensational. | ||
| It's a serious joint. | ||
| It's one of those places where one of the main things that they serve to drink is Kool-Aid. | ||
| And I went off the reservations. | ||
| I'm like, fuck it, I'm eating this stuff. | ||
| I might as well just have a Kool-Aid as well. | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| It was wonderful. | ||
| Like, having some ribs and a Kool-Aid. | ||
| There's a Kool-Aid right there, baby. | ||
| Having some ribs and a Kool-Aid. | ||
| We went there two days in a row. | ||
| The place was incredible. | ||
| When you go there, you can't health it out. | ||
| You gotta go whole hog. | ||
| You gotta go whole hog if you're going to Chef Paul's. | ||
| So, shout out to Chef Paul's Cafe. | ||
| In Fresno, good spot. | ||
| But you know what, man? | ||
| I'm having a good time doing stand-up, so everywhere I'm going, I'm having fun. | ||
| I mean, even when you go to a weird place, it's like, yeah, it's weirder. | ||
| I mean, it's not Anaheim, but it's weird. | ||
| You know, it's fun. | ||
| It's not Irvine improv. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| See, I'm at a level where I'm still hustling through places that are just... | ||
| You know, I'm having fun for a lot of places, but some places I'm just like, the crowds are not that good, I don't draw enough people, so it's hard. | ||
| I think Burr talked about it, I don't know if he talked about it here, but he said like, killing to the abyss. | ||
| He's like, there's a part in your career when you're killing to the abyss. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| When you're kind of like, you know you are a professional, you've had accolades in the game, you've done well enough, but your fan base isn't huge enough to where you have a big following, so when you go somewhere, you crush and you'll hear afterwards someone go... | ||
| You know, I've never even heard of you, and you're one of our favorite comics now. | ||
| And they do that. | ||
| They do this thing where they're like, we fucking love you. | ||
| I can't believe... | ||
| So you make these new fans, it's great, but it's just like, you are working so hard crushing to... | ||
| 30 people. | ||
| You know, to earn. | ||
| You're earning all these audiences. | ||
| Those times though, man, when you look back, you will remember those very fondly. | ||
| Well, I can't forget them, because a lot of them are painful as shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Yeah, there's going to be rough ones, but those are fucking so critical for the development of your act. | ||
| Oh, it's worth every... | ||
| And the good thing is the places that I have built audiences that I love, like Denver, when I go back to Comedy Works, I can sell that place out because I've built an audience. | ||
| If I build audiences in places that really love me, that's the best part about going to places where I'm like... | ||
| You know, they just show me so much love there that you're like, God, that's what it is. | ||
| That's what it feels good. | ||
| Yeah, and you have to think of, like, if you're in a place like Denver, how many of those people that come to see you are actually going to leave comments or tweet at you, and how many of them are just going to enjoy it? | ||
| Because most of the time when I go to see somebody, I just enjoy them. | ||
| I just enjoy it too. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's very rare that I say, hey, you have to go see this guy, or hey, this girl's here, or this band, or whatever. | ||
| It's very rare. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And most of the time, I just enjoy it. | ||
| So, like, you think about, you're doing thousands of people, right? | ||
| You're doing 200, what is that, 300 seats? | ||
| I think it's three, yeah. | ||
| It's like 300 seats, you're doing 1,200 in two days, and then you're going back again, doing another 1,200. | ||
| They'll tell their friends, people come back, tickets go quicker next time, and then a year later. | ||
| I mean, that's the key to building the road. | ||
| To this day, there's places where I sell out way in advance, and there's other places where I really haven't been going that often, and it's more of a difficulty to sell tickets. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Because you've built up a... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Houston's a spot where I can just... | ||
| I sell out in Houston. | ||
| I've been selling out comedy clubs in Houston since the 90s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Yeah, it's like... | ||
| It's always been a spot that I could... | ||
| Because that was like... | ||
| For me, Houston was one of the... | ||
| There was a few cities where legends came from. | ||
| And Houston was where Kinnison came from. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And for me, it's like Kenneson and Hicks both came out of Houston. | ||
| So for me, I had to get to Houston. | ||
| There's this thought in my head. | ||
| I knew about the Laugh Stop and River Oaks, this one spot that was in the 90s. | ||
| I gotta get to that club. | ||
| That's the spot. | ||
| It was a fucking perfect comedy club, too. | ||
| You never worked there, huh? | ||
| No. | ||
| It was gone before you came around. | ||
| I was going to say, but I've listened to many albums where they're at the Laugh Stop introducing comics. | ||
| Mine, from 1999. Yeah. | ||
| From I'm Gonna Be Dead Someday on Warner Brothers. | ||
| That was from the Laugh Stop. | ||
| I did it in Houston. | ||
| I filmed in, like, or recorded it, rather, in 98 or 99. And it was the perfect club. | ||
| It was perfect. | ||
| They had an open mic night, so they had a bar in the front, and they had stage in the front, and they had open mic night. | ||
| They would start at 8 and go 2 o'clock in the fucking morning, and no hacks. | ||
| I'm telling you, no hacks. | ||
| And they would ostracize hacks, boot them out of the community. | ||
| They're all artists. | ||
| There was a lot of really good comics that came out of there. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| And one club went under. | ||
| This one club went under, and the whole scene took a big hit. | ||
| Apparently the scene's bouncing back now, and there's a lot more comics now in Houston. | ||
| But dude, when I used to work there in the 90s, you would go there and these opening acts, these guys who were working there would be fucking killers. | ||
| They were killers. | ||
| The openers would rip. | ||
| They were great. | ||
| They were real comics. | ||
| They were real comics. | ||
| And then the open mic night, you would see funny comics that were learning how to do comedy. | ||
| Like people that really have shot. | ||
| But it was just one club. | ||
| There's always a problem when there's one club in a town. | ||
| Wendy's figured out how to do that in Denver. | ||
| Wendy, who owns the Comedy Works, she's created a scene. | ||
| That scene is almost primarily responsible, or she's almost primarily responsible as one individual for that entire comedy scene. | ||
| She's amazing. | ||
| Well, I give her credit because I think she's cultivated such good talent that, again, that's kind of what you were saying about Houston. | ||
| Like, everyone that I know that I met there that's from there, that comes out of there, is a fucking phenomenal comedian. | ||
| Like, their locals are professionals here. | ||
| To this day, when I do comedy, like I do theaters there, like I'll do the Belco, it's like 5,000 seats, I go through her. | ||
| I do it through her. | ||
| And I also do her club. | ||
| So I always hang out with her when I'm in town. | ||
| That lady's super important. | ||
| I did my special there in 2014, my Comedy Central special, because it was important to me to do it at that club. | ||
| That club was one of the reasons why I moved to Colorado for a brief time. | ||
| I was like, I'll be close to this club. | ||
| I was like, I can survive here. | ||
| I need a base station. | ||
| I need a base station to fuck around and work out material. | ||
| I could use this place, like everybody else is doing it. | ||
| This is a real comedy community. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| Yeah, there's a few like that that are building so strong right now. | ||
| I think my only fear for the future is there's a lot of new clubs that pop up and a lot of clubs that have gone so corporatized that they're all the same, that I'm still a club guy, so for me, I don't get to play theaters, you know? | ||
| So when you do clubs, you're... | ||
| You know, at the mercy of the club system, of whatever that may be, you know? | ||
| And a lot of them are so corporately systematic. | ||
| I mean, you feel like you're like, sometimes you feel like, you know that old joke of a musician's like, what's up, Omaha? | ||
| And they're like, what? | ||
| This isn't Omaha, it's Missouri. | ||
| And you're like, well, it all feels the same. | ||
| Like, some of the clubs feel the same. | ||
| That's true with a lot of the improvs. | ||
| But what they've done is they've figured out a way to make it a very professional experience everywhere you go all over the country. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I accept what they're doing because what they're doing is like a blend of the art and commerce. | ||
| It's a business. | ||
| They've done a smart thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But they don't fuck with your act. | ||
| No. | ||
| As long as they don't fuck with my act, I'm cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| And as long as they're professional and friendly, I'm cool. | ||
| But there's a big difference between working for them and like working for Zanies in Nashville. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like owned by, you know, guys who've owned it for a long time. | ||
| It's just a super sweet club, you know. | ||
| They're just great guys. | ||
| It's just, and it's a perfect old school comedy. | ||
| You know it's an old school comedy club? | ||
| Because you walk around and look at the headshots and go, he's dead. | ||
| He killed himself. | ||
| He died. | ||
| How many dead people are up? | ||
| A lot, man. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| That's like the comedy store is like a posthumous hallway. | ||
| Everybody on the wall is dead. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Roseanne might be the only big picture in the hallway that's still alive. | ||
| Well, there's one wall when you get out of the kitchen and you go towards the main room if you took a right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That one wall, three out of the four people are dead. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I mean. | ||
| Roseanne's the only one that's alive that's on that side of the wall, I think. | ||
| No, I think it's Louis Anderson. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you're right. | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Louis Anderson's alive. | ||
| Robin Williams is dead. | ||
| Shirley Hemphill's dead. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Richard Pryor's dead. | ||
| And Gary Shanling's dead. | ||
| Yeah, Shanling's, that's a shitty one. | ||
| Hemphill, does she have a big picture or is she on the wall? | ||
| I think she's not a big picture. | ||
| She's a smaller picture on the wall. | ||
| There's a lot of them, dude. | ||
| Yeah, it's wild. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We lost Craig motherfucking Mack today. | ||
| RIP, Craig Mack. | ||
| Flavor in your ear. | ||
| You were the best. | ||
| Where are you going to next? | ||
| I'm finishing up shooting the second season of I'm Dying Up Here for Showtime, so I'm here in town doing that. | ||
| When's that air? | ||
| When's that start airing? | ||
| May 6th. | ||
| Are you happy with it? | ||
| Everything going well? | ||
| Yeah, it's going smooth. | ||
| We added Brad Garrett, who's on it, who's crazy. | ||
| Brad's a good dude. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Such a cool guy. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He's got the best club in Vegas. | ||
| Yeah, and you know what's so funny, man? | ||
| It's great sitting and talking stories about stand-up with him because he's been around for so long. | ||
| I mean, he's got such good gold of stuff I can't talk about. | ||
| It's like I want him to tell. | ||
| I don't want to tell any of his stories, but he's a guy. | ||
| You would have to tell him like this. | ||
| He's got the craziest voice. | ||
| He's very deep. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| Awesome, dude. | ||
| They added him and they added this young actress, Zosia Rockmore, who's fucking... | ||
| Oh, fuck her, dude. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| I don't even know who that is. | ||
| She's black, Joe. | ||
| Is that why? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because she's black? | |
| Oh, I didn't know. | ||
| I wouldn't have said it. | ||
| Yes, it is, Joe. | ||
| I wouldn't have said it. | ||
| No, yeah, so we come out May 6th, so now I'm shooting in town. | ||
| Next weekend, I'm going to go with you. | ||
| Yeah, we're going to do the LaFactory. | ||
| Or, excuse me, the Ice House. | ||
| Ice House. | ||
| Yeah, Ice House. | ||
| I forgot where we're going. | ||
| Ice House. | ||
| There's so many clubs. | ||
| Yeah, we're doing the Ice House in Pasadena next Friday and Saturday. | ||
| It's all sold out, fuckers. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| But otherwise, when I get back on the road at the end of May, the first dates I'll be doing, I go up to Alberta, where we were talking about. | ||
| I go to Edmonton, so I'll be in Edmonton the end of May. | ||
| So look on that Edmonton calendar, and I'll be up there. | ||
| You doing that comedy club up there? | ||
| I'm doing House of Comedy. | ||
| That place is great. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| It's a great family. | ||
| Edmonton, that's an all-time great club. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| It's really, really fun. | ||
| And the family that runs it, the Bronsons are great. | ||
| They're good to me, so I love them. | ||
| Callan raves about that place. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| They love him. | ||
| And they like a lot of store guys. | ||
| It's just by coincidence. | ||
| Like Bobby, they love a lot of store guys. | ||
| It's just funny comics, man. | ||
| Yeah, they like funny people. | ||
| Tripoli did his CD there. | ||
| Yeah, recorded there, I think. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's a great spot. | ||
| Dom Herrera raves about that Brad Garrett club at the MGM. Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's like, it's the best club. | ||
| You know, Dom is on I'm Dying Up Here, and this actually happened this last week. | ||
| Dom had a scene in the show where he, like, has a heart attack. | ||
| And, you know, he gets on a plane to go to Jersey or something. | ||
| He lands, there's like six missed phone calls from Marc Maron. | ||
| And Marc leaves him voicemails being like, hey man, I heard something happen on set. | ||
| Because, you know, like the game of telephone got out that it was like, someone said, yeah, there was Donovan Seymour had a heart attack. | ||
| Someone's like, wait, what? | ||
| Tom had a what on it? | ||
| And that just bled out into the ether, you know? | ||
| So Dom called me. | ||
| He's like, Andrew, I gotta tell you, people think I'm dead. | ||
| Who told people that I died on set? | ||
| And I'm like, I don't know, man. | ||
| Maybe it'll give you some traction, so let it keep going. | ||
| Give you some traction. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| Maybe it'll go viral. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| You never know, bro. | ||
| Maybe it'll go viral. | ||
| But Dom is the best, man. | ||
| We've had... | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| We've had some good comics pop up. | ||
| We're gonna keep... | ||
| They keep getting more comics. | ||
| Andy Kindler came on the show. | ||
| Fucking Rick Overton is back on the show. | ||
| There's like a lot of great... | ||
| A lot of great people, man. | ||
| I became friends with Dom because we hung out in a pool hall once. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah, we did a gig together, but I didn't really know him. | ||
| And then I went to Amsterdam Billiards in New York in like, sure, 90s, somewhere in the 90s. | ||
| And I used to play a lot of pool. | ||
| And I was there, and Dom Herrera was there with his own stick. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| I'm like, you play pool? | ||
| He's like, yeah, he's pretty good. | ||
| I was like, shit, let's play some pool. | ||
| And we played pool. | ||
| I was like, I can't believe it. | ||
| I fucking love him. | ||
| Play some real pool. | ||
| He's from Philadelphia. | ||
| From Philadelphia, you've got to be able to take a punch, tell a joke, and place a pool. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You have to know where the good cheese sticks are. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Do you think that's Philadelphia people like, enough with the fucking cheese sticks! | ||
| No, they love it. | ||
| It's a part of their fucking culture. | ||
| But you don't think they're annoyed, like, oh, you're saying that that's all we have? | ||
| Yeah, and partially it is. | ||
| What other food is coming out of there? | ||
| Is anybody else being like, dude, you know what else is good out of Philly? | ||
| Very good Italian food. | ||
| Yeah, but that's like Boston, good Italian food. | ||
| New York. | ||
| I think Boston has some of the best Italian food. | ||
| Go to the North End. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They have good Italian food. | ||
| Dude, it's the best. | ||
| They can't fuck with New York. | ||
| I grew up there, trust me. | ||
| But I think those are one of the same. | ||
| New York, Boston, to me. | ||
| No, you don't think it can fuck with it? | ||
| Sorry, Boston. | ||
| Look, I love ya, I love ya, but I think there's a smaller amount of good places, whereas New York, there's an endless supply of guineas. | ||
| Sure, right, per capita, it's fuckin' yes. | ||
| Endless supply of flour on the floor, and fuckin' people with aprons, and makin' sauce. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| The perfect fuckin' sauce. | ||
| My own sausage! | ||
| Yeah, it's just, I feel like there's a larger concentration of guineas in like the New York, New Jersey area, and in Boston it was more of a concentration of Irish. | ||
| There was more Irish. | ||
| Irish and Italian. | ||
| Yeah, Irish and Italian. | ||
| Just a few Italian, but they were heavily outnumbered. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like East Boston, you know, like a few places, Little Italy, a few places. | ||
| That's why I feel comfortable there, because I'm an orange guy. | ||
| When I go to Boston, people think I'm orange. | ||
| You slip right in. | ||
| Yeah, they assume I'm theirs. | ||
| Well, what are you? | ||
| Irish and Italian. | ||
| Well, you're one of theirs. | ||
| Yeah, but not one of theirs. | ||
| But they're Santino. | ||
| They hear Santino. | ||
| If they hear Santino, they get mad. | ||
| They're like, what? | ||
| Traitor! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck is this? | |
| Yeah, when I first moved to Boston, I had an Irish last name. | ||
| The opposite. | ||
| But I'm mostly Italian. | ||
| I'm three-quarters Italian. | ||
| Yeah, you don't look Irish. | ||
| So it's like, you got a fucking Irish last name and you're almost all Italian? | ||
| Fucking shame. | ||
| Fucking pathetic. | ||
| Fucking shame. | ||
| There's some real Irish versus Italian animosity in Boston. | ||
| In most cities. | ||
| Late 70s, early 80s when I first moved there. | ||
| I was going to say, like the history of Irish and Italian. | ||
| They didn't really get along too well anyway. | ||
| They did not. | ||
| I think I moved there in, it must have been like 79. 79, and then I went to high school there in 81. That was my first year in high school. | ||
| Where were you born? | ||
| I was born in New Jersey. | ||
| I was going to say, I thought Jersey. | ||
| But we lived in California for a while. | ||
| I lived in California from age 7 to 11. And then we lived in Florida for a little bit. | ||
| And then we lived in Boston, Jamaica Plain for a year and a half, two years, somewhere around there. | ||
| And then we move to Newton, which is a very nice suburb. | ||
| Newton, Upper Falls. | ||
| Very nice suburb. | ||
| It's very quiet. | ||
| There's a lot of big lawns. | ||
| Everybody's relaxed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fences. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People bored out of their fucking mind. | ||
| Can't wait to escape. | ||
| You know, it's one of those places. | ||
| They don't realize how good they have it. | ||
| Well, that's what happens. | ||
| I went back recently. | ||
| I drove through the streets. | ||
| I'm like, gee, I could live here. | ||
| This fucking place is great. | ||
| Well, you have a new perspective when you get older. | ||
| When you're young, you're like, get the fuck out of this shithole. | ||
| Well, when you're younger, you're just so filled with angst. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just, like, you have no idea. | ||
| Like, think about this. | ||
| When you were 17, you had no idea you were going to be a professional comic. | ||
| No idea things were going to work out. | ||
| You're going to be on a TV series. | ||
| You're going to be having a good time. | ||
| You had no idea. | ||
| So you're just like, what if it doesn't? | ||
| What if it all goes wrong? | ||
| You see all these people around you, and this guy's always drunk, and he's doing coke. | ||
| I've got to get the fuck out of here! | ||
| I've got to get the fuck out of this town! | ||
| Get the fuck away from these people! | ||
| And then you go back when you're an adult and you go, this is a great place. | ||
| I grew up in a really nice town. | ||
| Yeah, but it's probably only because when you leave, it's nice to come back. | ||
| No, I didn't have anybody telling me it was awesome. | ||
| If I had like a smart older brother, they'd be like, dude, look. | ||
| Don't go anywhere. | ||
| There's the Catholic school girls. | ||
| They're all horny. | ||
| They're all right there. | ||
| You just wait outside in front of the school. | ||
| I would have had strategies. | ||
| Dude, there was no one that was hornier than the girls who went to Catholic school. | ||
| No one. | ||
| No one. | ||
| They separated those girls from boys, and they were a different animal than the girls I went to school with. | ||
| Freaks! | ||
| Yeah, I went to public school, I went to Newton South, and when we were in high school, we would get out and we would meet girls that were coming off of the Catholic girls' school. | ||
| And these girls would go after guys. | ||
| They weren't like regular girls. | ||
| Like it's Hunger Games and shit. | ||
| They were predators. | ||
| Like they were starving. | ||
| Like they needed water. | ||
| Dick! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dick! | |
| It was crazy! | ||
| The horniest girl I ever dated when I was young was in an all-girl Catholic school. | ||
| She was a great gal. | ||
| She was a fuck machine because she was like... | ||
| I made a joke about her that like you could roll a dick past her like a kitten with a ball of yarn and she would just tie behind it. | ||
| She couldn't help it. | ||
| She wasn't a bad person, but she was always horny, and it took me years to figure out what was going on. | ||
| It was something that I really considered in a very strange way. | ||
| It really puzzled me because I had these preconceived notions about how women behave, but these Catholic school girls threw a giant monkey wrench into this notion like, okay, That makes sense for the regular girls. | ||
| Regular girls, they might let you know. | ||
| They think you're cute. | ||
| He seems nice. | ||
| You ask her out. | ||
| You ask her friend. | ||
| Ask her if she likes me. | ||
| And you know, there was like this little thing. | ||
| Those Catholic girls, they would cut to the chase. | ||
| They were like werewolves. | ||
| They would just charge through the room and grab a guy. | ||
| Hey, how are you? | ||
| Want to make out? | ||
| Next thing you know, you're fingering them. | ||
| They were crazy. | ||
| They were a totally different animal. | ||
| They were taking your hand and putting it down their pants. | ||
| And girls didn't like it. | ||
| Other girls, the regular girls did not like it. | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| It's competition. | ||
| They were like gang members. | ||
| They're like gang members. | ||
| They all had their own uniform. | ||
| They'd come over with their fucking plaid skirts on and just fuck everything. | ||
| Like the Tasmanian devil. | ||
| They were just tornado fucking the whole school. | ||
| And they preyed on these boys because they didn't have any. | ||
| They had no boys. | ||
| They were in a whole school with hundreds of girls. | ||
| And when you repress that, that's what you get. | ||
| Dude, that is not good. | ||
| When you take away human emotion like that, you're fucked! | ||
| All they're doing is just all day. | ||
| Math, science, Spanish, dick dick dick dick dick dick dick- A ticker tape of dicks just going through their head. | ||
| And jizz and boners and squirt, squirt, squirt. | ||
| Just thinking about someone sucking their titties and eating their box. | ||
| That's all they're thinking about. | ||
| That's all they thought about. | ||
| I mean, I really, like, for years that girl fucked me up. | ||
| Because I had all these ideas about, like, a spectrum of natural female sexuality. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, this girl's hornier than that girl, but this girl's hornier than that girl, and she really likes this, but she really likes that. | ||
| But most of them, they act like girls, you gotta let them know that not this bitch, off the charts, rabid! | ||
| She was rabid! | ||
| It was rabid! | ||
| They suppressed the shit out of her, they just left her in this fucking thing. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Meanwhile, her sister... | ||
| This was really weird. | ||
| Her sister didn't go to Catholic school. | ||
| Her sister went to school with me. | ||
| She went to a regular school. | ||
| Real tame. | ||
| She was normal. | ||
| Yeah, she was normal. | ||
| She was fucking normal. | ||
| I mean, she was a nice girl and everything. | ||
| Nothing wrong with her. | ||
| Fun to hang out with. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But normal. | ||
| She wasn't a werewolf. | ||
| Yeah, nothing insane. | ||
| Her sister was a werewolf. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| A werewolf for dick. | ||
| Dude, she was a monster, and it was the only one in the family that was like that. | ||
| And I just don't see any other correlation. | ||
| I've studied this for years. | ||
| She's probably in a fucking orgy. | ||
| She's a 50-year-old lady getting stuffed by like five dudes. | ||
| Two of them, she's jerking off one of them. | ||
| She's face-fucking them. | ||
| Dude, she's an animal. | ||
| A girl's an animal. | ||
| The majority of women that get into porn probably had some kind of repression like that, right? | ||
| I think it's more molestation. | ||
| You think that's the most? | ||
| It's the most, but it's not all of them. | ||
| You know, there's a thing that they always want to say, that all women who get into porn are fucked up. | ||
| Man, I don't know if that's true. | ||
| I don't believe that, no. | ||
| Yeah, and there's a thing that people, like someone was saying the other day that porn addiction is real and porn is fucked up because it ruins the way guys think and like... | ||
| Maybe some guys, but isn't that the same as with gambling? | ||
| Like isn't gambling really bad for some guys? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it is, right? | ||
| Yeah, it ruins people's lives. | ||
| Ruins their life. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like there's certain guys who just can't fucking gamble. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Who was it that was saying that his dad lost their house over gambling? | ||
| Early podcast. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| That growing up... | ||
| I want to say it was one of Callan's friends. | ||
| Was it Jimmy Burke? | ||
| It might have been. | ||
| I mean, I come from my grandfather's... | ||
| My grandfather works at the dog track in Chicago. | ||
| I think it was Jimmy Burke. | ||
| I think Jimmy Burke's dad was a crazy gambler. | ||
| But yeah, man, there's a... | ||
| I knew a lot of guys like that from the pool hall. | ||
| That just every nickel they earned, they would blow. | ||
| And they always owed money, and they were hiding from people. | ||
| It was always gambling. | ||
| That lifestyle is so wild to me. | ||
| But I don't have a problem with gambling. | ||
| So if I go to Vegas, and I don't bet on anything, but I used to bet on fights. | ||
| So maybe if I'm in Vegas and just for a fucking goof, Canelo Alvarez is going to fight Gennady Golovkin, and I get to the sports book a day before the fight, I'm like, yeah, I'll put a fucking couple hundred bucks on this. | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| I think Triple G's got it. | ||
| And I'll throw my hat in the ring. | ||
| But I'm not going to lose my mind and bet my life. | ||
| With some people, it's their whole existence. | ||
| They have to. | ||
| It doesn't mean that I shouldn't be able to go gamble. | ||
| It's just like the same thing as if I'm in a hotel room and I want to jerk off, I don't want to hear your bullshit about somebody who's addicted to it and it ruins their life. | ||
| I'm sad. | ||
| I'm sad that someone got addicted to it and ruined their life. | ||
| It's bummer for them. | ||
| But there's nothing that I can do about that and porn's a real thing. | ||
| So what do you want me to do? | ||
| Am I supposed to abandon all my jerking off and not watch the stuff that I want to watch? | ||
| Because somewhere, there's someone who can't handle it. | ||
| Or, do we have to educate people? | ||
| Like, hey, some people, they have weak chins, and they just don't think well. | ||
| Can't get through. | ||
| You shouldn't get into boxing. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| If you can't take a punch, don't get into boxing. | ||
| If you watch one porn film, and next thing you know, five hours later, you're dehydrated, you haven't left the room, your dick is raw, your fucking hands are tired, you've got a tennis elbow. | ||
| That's not my fault. | ||
| I don't know what to tell you. | ||
| Should I not jerk off now? | ||
| But those people that suffer through it, it's like people were alcoholics. | ||
| Like, what are you drinking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Yeah! | ||
| I like to have a drink! | ||
| Yep. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because I'll go weeks without having one. | ||
| Yeah, it won't ruin my family. | ||
| It doesn't fuck my life up. | ||
| I like to have a drink. | ||
| I don't go home and kick my fucking dog around the house and beat my kids. | ||
| I like to have a drink. | ||
| Is that alright? | ||
| I like to have a glass of wine with dinner. | ||
| Does that mean that I have to respect the guy who lost everything and he's fucking homeless and he's sucking dicks for cheap wine? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Because he couldn't handle it, so I should, out of respect for him, push that Pinot Noir aside. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's not a palate cleanser when you're having a nice steak and some fine garlic mashed potatoes. | ||
| That's a terrible drug that ruins families. | ||
| Just like the porn. | ||
| Just like fucking everything though. | ||
| It's like working out. | ||
| You could be addicted to working out. | ||
| So many people are. | ||
| They are. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are. | ||
| It's not going to stop you from lifting? | ||
| Come on, bitch. | ||
| Come on, bitch. | ||
| People are too fucking goddamn soft. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're so soft. | ||
| We're trying to protect other people. | ||
| So much. | ||
| That we're ruining them. | ||
| Yeah, we're ruining them. | ||
| We're ruining people. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Santino. | ||
| How did we get to this? | ||
| Amy doesn't know. | ||
| He's looking at porn right now. | ||
| I get mad. | ||
| He looks at porn all the time. | ||
| I see it in his eyes. | ||
| Like, you see the glint? | ||
| Yeah, the little glimmer. | ||
| You see a little glimmer. | ||
| Yeah, watching porn is one of the weirdest taboos because you think about how many people watch it. | ||
| Didn't we talk about this once where it was something insane like 20% of all internet traffic is all porn? | ||
| 20? | ||
| I thought it was more than that. | ||
| More. | ||
| Wouldn't you assume it's more than that? | ||
| 39%. | ||
| I'm gonna say 39. I'm gonna say... | ||
| I'm gonna do 42. Isn't most of it Netflix now? | ||
| Thirty percent. | ||
| Thirty percent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| What percent is Netflix? | ||
| Seventy. | ||
| I want to say forty-nine. | ||
| I don't know why I'm into nines today. | ||
| I'm going to say thirty-six. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| This is like, uh, the price is right. | ||
| You got it? | ||
| Thirty-six? | ||
| Nailed it? | ||
| Damn! | ||
| Give me some knuckles on that. | ||
| Thirty-two point two five in just North America, but thirty-six of all. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You got super specific. | ||
| Wait, wait. | ||
| Thirty-two point two five in just North America. | ||
| Thirty-six overall. | ||
| This was also, but that was October 8th of 2015, so it's got to be more now. | ||
| Probably, but how crazy is that? | ||
| That the United States has that big of a market, and the rest of the world is just four or five points. | ||
| I'll tell you why that's wrong, because Ian Edwards was just somewhere that was saying how the international market now has almost matched. | ||
| Ian's working on a Netflix show, and their international markets almost match North America now. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So that was, what, three years ago? | ||
| It's got to be way higher now. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Way higher. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| You know what they made in the fourth quarter last year, Netflix? | ||
| What? | ||
| Take a guess. | ||
| Don't look it up. | ||
| Take a guess. | ||
| 80 kazillion dollars. | ||
| 10 billion. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| In just the fourth quarter last year, they made 3.4 billion. | ||
| Just the fourth quarter. | ||
| 10 for the year, I think. | ||
| 10 for the year, that's probably right. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, they're throwing it around at comics, I'll tell you that. | ||
| I wish they were throwing it at me. | ||
| They will be, Santino. | ||
| First of all, you're a little too white and the future is dark. | ||
| I know. | ||
| The future is brown and meek. | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| If you had glasses and you were thin and brown, you'd have a show. | ||
| I'd have two shows. | ||
| If you were a woman and you had glasses and you were brown, would you have a show? | ||
| I might transform. | ||
| No, I think that what it is right now is that they just have so many specials that they're working on. | ||
| That's my biggest problem. | ||
| If someone was trying to say that, they were like, oh, you know, they're only going after, I forget what term he used, like either hipsters or they're going after, you know, diversity. | ||
| Like, they're not going to give it to a white guy. | ||
| I'm like, John Mulaney just got a special. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Like, Craig Ferguson just got a special. | ||
| It's just those that have built it. | ||
| You have to build yourself. | ||
| You have to be built. | ||
| Well... | ||
| That's how it always was. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| The way it always used to be, and this is the problem, is there's no real valid entry-level show. | ||
| So, what it used to be is, you would get on, like, Young Comedian Special on HBO. And then there would be like four of you, everybody would do 15 minutes or so, and then that's how you'd make it. | ||
| And then there was the Rodney Dangerfield specials, and that's how we found out about Lenny Clark and Dom Herrera, Bill Hicks, Sam Kinison, Dice Clay, they all came out of the Rodney Dangerfield specials. | ||
| There's not a thing like that anymore. | ||
| So you had to go through those things before you got a special. | ||
| Now, it's like you just kind of get specials. | ||
| You have to find a way into the game. | ||
| You have to find the niche that gets you to the place to get the special. | ||
| Well, you have a Showtime special. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I put a special up on Showtime last year. | ||
| The problem is Showtime's market is so specific. | ||
| It's only people that subscribe. | ||
| Meanwhile, Netflix is fucking everybody. | ||
| That's true, but meanwhile, Sebastian became one of the biggest comics in the world just because of Showtime. | ||
| Sebastian is the unicorn, man. | ||
| When people go, how did he make it so big? | ||
| Well, first of all, he's really funny. | ||
| Very funny. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| Family-friendly. | ||
| And for whatever reason, whatever Showtime's fucking target market is, he just flew right through in. | ||
| There's an opening, and he just like... | ||
| Without touching the wall. | ||
| He just went right through, right in. | ||
| It was perfect. | ||
| Perfect! | ||
| Yeah, but that's what all that is. | ||
| That's all timing. | ||
| Showtime's been great. | ||
| I don't know if I would do another one anytime soon at all, but if I did do another one, I'd do it with them. | ||
| I don't really care where it is. | ||
| I just care the content that I put on it. | ||
| Can someone see it online? | ||
| Can they go and get it somewhere? | ||
| You have to have Showtime. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| See, that's the thing about Netflix that's so great is everybody has it. | ||
| But Showtime is like, my special's always there. | ||
| It's just you have to have Showtime. | ||
| You know, people have talked about doing this with podcasts. | ||
| About doing the same kind of thing. | ||
| Like, coming up with a bunch of cash and having all podcasts under one umbrella. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, like a Netflix type deal. | ||
| Because everybody has their own way of doing it now. | ||
| Like, everybody has their own way of doing it in terms of, like, some people have ads. | ||
| Some people have, like, a GoFundMe or a Patreon page. | ||
| You don't want that. | ||
| But that would fuck you up, right? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, that seems like that's going backwards. | ||
| Unless it was like a Netflix thing where everybody had it. | ||
| That would have to be the thing. | ||
| But the thing is, like, Netflix is movies, and movies take a shitload of money to make. | ||
| Netflix is TV shows. | ||
| They take a shitload of money to make. | ||
| This podcast, you could have done it on a phone. | ||
| We could have set our iPhone on the table right there, press the auto record thing. | ||
| And just gone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But instead, we got Jamie doing all these fake button push-in and porno and shit. | ||
| I'm waiting for VR, bro. | ||
| Fun fact, Apple's market cap, that's my man Marcus Brownlee. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Market cap is closing in on $1 trillion. | ||
| If you had a trillion dollars, you could literally buy every single NFL, NBA, and MLS team, Ford, NASA, and 100,000 Teslas and still have money left over. | ||
| But you couldn't buy Apple. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's funny. | |
| They can buy Netflix seven and a half times. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But Apple, what they're doing with podcasts is very interesting because they're just an aggregator. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You have to have your own host and you just put it up on there. | ||
| But through their iTunes, we're always in this trending section. | ||
| We're always in the rankings when you're looking at who the top podcasts are. | ||
| We're always in there and it helps people find you. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| So they're helping people find you. | ||
| They are kind of a network in a way, but they're not a network in a way like... | ||
| They're not like a YouTube where they control content. | ||
| They're not like... | ||
| They're not... | ||
| They're not hosting you. | ||
| Well, they have Apple Music, too, but podcasts are not a part of that yet. | ||
| I wonder if they're gonna do that. | ||
| I think that's so weird that they don't merge those. | ||
| Like, that that podcast is a separate tab, which makes no fucking sense to me. | ||
| Like, it's just to be a subcategory of music. | ||
| It should be, right? | ||
| But then there's the thing of, if you have something on iTunes, right? | ||
| And, like, Apple Music is a totally different jam. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Like Apple Music is them hosting it, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| So they would have it. | ||
| So they would have your podcast. | ||
| So if you said something really fucked up, like maybe they would get in trouble for having you on. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| They won't censor someone's song. | ||
| No, yeah. | ||
| Same way. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| Like any like radical punk rock, fucking crazy, fucking mother. | ||
| They might not host it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Going into it. | ||
| But I mean, I don't think... | ||
| But like look up... | ||
| But Apple Music can't... | ||
| Like, what is the Spotify market versus the Apple Music market? | ||
| Like, I don't think Apple Music does well at all. | ||
| It's doing way better now. | ||
| As well as Spotify does? | ||
| It's getting closer, yeah. | ||
| Because I feel like Spotify just dominates the market. | ||
| Yeah, but see, Apple Music's on everyone's phone now. | ||
| You just find it and use it. | ||
| It's so easy to use. | ||
| I use it. | ||
| I don't use Spotify. | ||
| See, but I think the youngest generation loves Spotify. | ||
| Like, they love SoundCloud. | ||
| Do you know SoundCloud? | ||
| Yeah, they love that. | ||
| I mean, that's so big. | ||
| They love that shit. | ||
| SoundCloud, a lot of people are using to host podcasts. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| But a lot of people think that it won't be around. | ||
| Oh, I think that's the opposite. | ||
| Not only is it for stuff like that that's homemade podcast stuff, like DIY, it's also set to surpass Spotify paid subscribers. | ||
| Right, right, because Spotify starts off for free. | ||
| Right, interesting. | ||
| But like that's my thing is like you know like that the future of SoundCloud thing like that is because it's it's all everybody loves DIY shit whether it's musicians or like all those musicians and artists now that are on Spotify it's all people like making music in their fucking in their house yeah fucking YouTube you know I mean how many YouTube millionaires have been made from a lot so many weird shit Like putting up videos, talking about nonsense. | ||
| I know some from the beginning. | ||
| Like I used to do a YouTube sketch thing a long time ago and it like caught fire a little bit on a very small scale and the people that we kind of associated with when it was starting to grow, two or three of them now that I know have made so much money from that. | ||
| And they were just from the jump, they were kind of like in right as the cusp was like beginning, you know? | ||
| What happens with that dude who got in trouble with the suicide? | ||
| Is that Jake or Logan Paul? | ||
| Which one is he? | ||
| That's Logan Paul. | ||
| Logan Paul. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| He's banned. | ||
| They demonetized his entire channel. | ||
| I thought he's still making videos, right? | ||
| He's not making any money. | ||
| They took all his ad money away because he electrocuted a dead rat. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yes, he did. | ||
| I brought a video yesterday that had two and a half million views. | ||
| But he doesn't get paid. | ||
| No, he still does. | ||
| No, they were saying that his entire channel was demonetized. | ||
| Unless he got lawyers involved. | ||
| Well, so then he could be just using his channel and then getting sponsored videos. | ||
| Well, yeah, totally. | ||
| Still making money that way. | ||
| And selling merch, which is one of the big things. | ||
| To me, it's stunning. | ||
| He makes more on merch probably than he does from fucking YouTube. | ||
| Probably does. | ||
| To me, it's stunning that there's not a competitor to YouTube. | ||
| Not a real competitor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They've tried. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Vimeo is just not... | ||
| Not happening. | ||
| Well, it's a video hosting site, but it's not... | ||
| It's not as user-friendly. | ||
| Well, it's also, it doesn't suggest things, their algorithm that YouTube has figured out to having what's next on the right-hand side, it's like so attractive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because there's always something there to click on. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Vimeo does not, they're not as sophisticated in that way. | ||
| They want to be the artistic, you know, They want to cultivate this sexy little artistic thing. | ||
| YouTube's like, fuck it, here's everything you've ever wanted to see. | ||
| Everything! | ||
| And ads for tampons. | ||
| We're putting up every video on Vimeo as well as on YouTube. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| But on YouTube, it'll have over a million videos, a million hits. | ||
| And then you go to Vimeo, and the same video will have, like, what? | ||
| 20, 30,000? | ||
| 20,000? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I was going to say. | ||
| Because their viewer traffic is so much lower. | ||
| It's so much lower. | ||
| The only time I watch Vimeo is when someone sends me a Vimeo link. | ||
| And you've got to think that video link is being sent to whatever million people I have on Twitter. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| I have like two million people and two million Russian bots. | ||
| I'm not sure which one. | ||
| They're all bots, dude. | ||
| I don't know how that works. | ||
| I'm even a bot. | ||
| Some of them they say it's if you haven't used it to post. | ||
| But there's a lot of people that use Twitter and they don't post. | ||
| So, like, how do you know if someone's a bot? | ||
| Like, there's some suspicion of their detection methods to decide who's fake. | ||
| I always can tell when you look at their fucking profile. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The stuff they write is so funny. | ||
| Oh, there's definitely some of those. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I get a lot of those on Instagram. | ||
| I get a lot of those. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Weird, like, fake comments. | ||
| You know, like, I learned how to make $100 million a week. | ||
| It's all over the place. | ||
| Those things are everywhere. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's, like, who are they getting with that? | ||
| Like, who are they... | ||
| Who are they going after? | ||
| Literally nobody. | ||
| Yeah, nobody. | ||
| They can't make any money. | ||
| That's got to be just like a whole scheme. | ||
| Old people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Even then. | |
| They'll get some really... | ||
| Man, I watched the saddest show once where this old dude kept getting... | ||
| He kept getting scammed by this Nigerian scammer who was pretending he was a hot girl that wanted to meet him in Europe. | ||
| This poor fuck flew to Europe twice to meet this girl. | ||
| And both times she came up with excuses why she couldn't meet him. | ||
| But for some... | ||
| But you know, like... | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Darwinism, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well... | |
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Like, that guy's a fucking idiot, dude. | ||
| Can you feel bad for that guy? | ||
| He was this older guy and his daughter and... | ||
| Everybody died. | ||
| No, they were alive, but they were sad. | ||
| They were watching this poor guy get fucking scammed and keep traveling to Europe, and he didn't want to believe the girl didn't exist. | ||
| And you were watching it, and, like, everyone knew but him. | ||
| Like, you knew. | ||
| You watched him, like, no. | ||
| That's why I can't feel bad, dude. | ||
| Let him live that fantasy then. | ||
| Life is just a fantasy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you live this fantasy life? | |
| Let him live that sad fucking fantasy. | ||
| Aldo Nova? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Live this fantasy life. | ||
| I watched a video of that the other day. | ||
| We're at the store. | ||
| We were in the secret comic bar. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And we started talking about Aldo Nova. | ||
| I'm like, do you remember that song? | ||
| I put it up on YouTube. | ||
| We're sitting there like laughing watching this video. | ||
| Watching the video? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I miss the old videos, man. | ||
| The beginning of it, Aldo Nova uses his guitar to break into a building and then he performs on stage. | ||
| This is the beginning of it. | ||
| You can play the beginning of it because it's not music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No? | ||
| No, I can't. | ||
| We'll get booted off YouTube. | ||
| It's a fucking ridiculous music video. | ||
| There's a bunch of dudes with machine guns. | ||
| They open up this helicopter, it lands, and fucking Aldo Nova steps out. | ||
| What the fuck is up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at his outfit. | |
| He's got a leopard outfit, his sleeves are rolled up, he's got knee-high boots on, and he doesn't make eye contact with anybody. | ||
| Hell no. | ||
| Walks to the fucking stage. | ||
| Nobody can see your eyes, man. | ||
| They get to the door. | ||
| Look, he's got a purpose in his walk. | ||
| They get to the door, but he can't get in because the door is locked. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| They're trying to get in. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Can't get in. | ||
| Step back, Aldo says. | ||
| He tries to break it with his gun, but he's a weak-ass bitch. | ||
| Like a bitch! | ||
| It's worse. | ||
| Aldo's like, cue me the guitar. | ||
| Music is the key. | ||
| Puts the strap on. | ||
| Check this out, man. | ||
| Down hell. | ||
| Down hell. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| He melts off the fucking lock with his guitar, bitch. | ||
| Kicks open the door. | ||
| The fucking smoke machine starts going. | ||
| They all walk in, and the band's already ready. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Come on, baby! | ||
| This is a timestamp. | ||
| This is what happens when you take LSD and marijuana out of the market. | ||
| As soon as you make it illegal, really bad, and make these fucking people terrified for their lives, no one does drugs, and everybody just falls into this kind of shit. | ||
| Shitty music. | ||
| They just don't know what they're doing, man. | ||
| They don't know what they're doing. | ||
| They literally, like children, they've been separated from the umbilical cord. | ||
| They don't know how to get nutrition. | ||
| They're flying around. | ||
| It's freaking the fuck out. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| Where am I? Life is just a fantasy. | ||
| Can you live this fantasy alive? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no! | |
| No, no! | ||
| This is such a terrible song. | ||
| When I was in high school, it was the shit, man. | ||
| Then you look back and you're like, that's a terrible fucking song. | ||
| Now you do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But back then, you know, it was like Def Leppard singing Pour Some Sugar On Me. | ||
| Fantasy. | ||
| Alright, I gotta wrap this up. | ||
| Andrew Santino, tell all these wonderful people where you're gonna be. | ||
| I'll be with you at the Ice House. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| Next weekend, you fucks! | ||
| Otherwise, check me out, Cheeto Santino, on Instagram and Twitter. | ||
| Cheeto Santino. | ||
| Always at the Comedy Store as well. | ||
| Always at the Comedy Store. | ||
| Come. | ||
| Alright, you fucks. | ||
| Thank you, everybody. | ||
| Bye. |
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