Jan. 9, 2018 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:05:15
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Three, two, one... | |
| Happy New Year, Tom Papa! | ||
| See how happy you get? | ||
| Thank you for the gift. | ||
| You're welcome. | ||
| I've always wanted one of these. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I got two things that I really don't want today. | ||
| One was herpes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| One was Yeezys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'll love them. | |
| He got me the wrong pair and I said, take these back. | ||
| These are yours. | ||
| You keep them. | ||
| And he came back and brought me the right size. | ||
| He insists. | ||
| First he brought me the wrong size. | ||
| What's wrong with them? | ||
| They're fucking preposterous. | ||
| Let me see them. | ||
| If you were Brendan Chobb, they're the perfect thing because they're in. | ||
| This looks like something from the 90s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like some kind of shoe from the 90s. | ||
| Now, what level of outrage would there be if I started wearing these to run the mountains? | ||
| What if they were really comfortable and you liked them? | ||
| Is that what's going on? | ||
| So you think that if I put them on, I would all of a sudden love them and I would get it. | ||
| Those are street? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Are those for the street? | ||
| Does he have, like, a bird heel where you have, like, an extra hook in the back of the heel? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, why does it go, like, a normal heel? | ||
| Like, here's a normal heel. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Flat. | ||
| Flush. | ||
| Yeah, it's flat. | ||
| This, like, goes out at an angle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This one does, too. | |
| That does, too. | ||
| It's the boost. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the stylish shoe. | |
| It's the bottom. | ||
| It's part of the Adidas. | ||
| Is it the style or is it the feel that you really like? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The feel. | |
| Well, both. | ||
| Honestly, both. | ||
| But these are really comfortable shoes. | ||
| The Boost is super comfortable. | ||
| Is this an Adidas made shoe? | ||
| Oh, so Adidas makes the Yeezys? | ||
| Yeah, and there's just no Adidas logo on there, so it's hard to tell that. | ||
| You're starting to like them. | ||
| You're starting to warm up. | ||
| Well, it's weird how they have this military style number thing on the side, like some fucking Korean missile. | ||
| What is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I couldn't tell you what it stands for. | |
| I've seen multiple things. | ||
| It could just be supply, or it could be an acronym for something. | ||
| Yeah, they look like they're from the 90s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It does, right? | |
| Enjoy them. | ||
| Thank you, sir. | ||
| Why an accordion? | ||
| Are you a monkey? | ||
| No, the guy has the accordion. | ||
| The monkey dances. | ||
| The monkey dances. | ||
| I love the sound of the accordion. | ||
| And I just saw it. | ||
| And I just wanted to bring something to the new studio. | ||
| I like how you have a lot of weird shit here. | ||
| And this is weird. | ||
| That somebody loved this sound so much that they decided, let's make an instrument out of it. | ||
| Yeah, are there like real complicated ones of those? | ||
| Big. | ||
| Do people play them in orchestras and shit? | ||
| No, I don't think they ever made it into the orchestra. | ||
| So it's never been like a really respected piece of musical instrument? | ||
| Zydeco, New Orleans, Buckwheat Zydeco, you ever hear that guy? | ||
| Sure, yeah. | ||
| Polka, a lot of Polish polka. | ||
| Do you remember Zamfir, master of the pan flute? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| What happened to that poor bastard? | ||
| Like, he had a whole marketing team behind him. | ||
| They're like, dude, no one's done this. | ||
| No one's done this, but we're gonna do this. | ||
| Master of the pan flute. | ||
| DVDs, CDs, VHS tapes. | ||
| We're gonna sell it all. | ||
| There's literally no competition. | ||
| There's nothing. | ||
| You can do this. | ||
| You're Zamfier. | ||
| He's the Tony Hawk of the pan flute, right? | ||
| And here he is. | ||
| Give me some volume on this guy. | ||
| Look at the chest hair. | ||
| And the chain. | ||
| Gold chain. | ||
| 20 million records? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He looks like a guy that works in the deli. | |
| That is a very forgettable sound. | ||
| It's a recorder. | ||
| It's like one of the things you learn when you're in fourth grade and they teach you music. | ||
| That goofy flute-like thing. | ||
| I never paid attention to the recorder because they gave me the recorder and I go, how come I don't see this in bands? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| I'm not going to spend some time learning an instrument that no one plays. | ||
| You had to though, and you had to carry it in your sock. | ||
| Don't you remember? | ||
| You had to put it in your sock. | ||
| They didn't even have cases. | ||
| They'd just give you an old tube sock from your dad and put it in there. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| No one makes a case for the fucking recorder. | ||
| No! | ||
| You have to put in your dad's sock. | ||
| And it didn't make any sense either that it was, oh, he's got it? | ||
| Oh, this is Jethro Tull. | ||
| But he plays a flute, right? | ||
| Well, it said pan flute when I typed it in, but it's just a flute, rock flute. | ||
| Well, he's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, Jethro Tull's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's good and crazy. | |
| What a freaky looking dude. | ||
| He looks like he lives in a hollowed out tree. | ||
| Right? | ||
| He does. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Scurries out when you walk by on the trail. | ||
| Hello! | ||
| Has anybody else figured out how to use the flute in rock and roll music besides Jethro Tull? | ||
| Uh, yeah, there's been some flute. | ||
| There's been, uh... | ||
| But not like him, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| Where it's a part of it. | ||
| The lead. | ||
| He's the lead guy. | ||
| Isn't that weird how a band will come along and they'll just figure out how to do something that no one's figured out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| No, we're going to do this. | ||
| Yeah, we're just going to throw a flute in the mix. | ||
| And then everybody's like, I like it. | ||
| It kind of works. | ||
| Should we get a flute? | ||
| I was doing this show last weekend and this guy had an oboe. | ||
| In San Francisco, he's one of the oboists in the world. | ||
| And he's playing this instrument. | ||
| It's very melancholy, just beautiful. | ||
| But it really was occurring to me, like, why? | ||
| Who built this? | ||
| Who thought this sound was so important? | ||
| When? | ||
| That they decided, we're going to make an instrument so we can recreate this feeling and this sound for all those instruments. | ||
| Boy, if you gave me a pen and a paper and told me to draw an oboe, I'd be fucked. | ||
| Yeah, it's not what I thought it was. | ||
| I was like, oh yeah, I'll see that. | ||
| Before you pull up a picture of it, let me think of what it looks like. | ||
| I'm thinking of a trombone. | ||
| I'm thinking of a thing where, but it's definitely not that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought it was way bigger. | |
| Okay, pull it up. | ||
| Let me see what the oboe is. | ||
| Straight up. | ||
| Oh, it looks like a flute. | ||
| Yeah, it's straight. | ||
| It looks almost like a clarinet. | ||
| Oh, yeah, a clarinet. | ||
| That's what I'm thinking, not a flute. | ||
| That looks more clarinet-ish. | ||
| That looks pretty badass. | ||
| Oboe and pop. | ||
| That's in Waterworld? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Not the movie, right? | ||
| That's not a good example. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what's fucked up? | |
| Waterworld's a terrible movie. | ||
| Waterworld's a terrible movie, but they have a damn good theme show at Universal. | ||
| It's very good. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| But it's amazing. | ||
| It's like nobody watched that fucking movie. | ||
| It was a gigantic flop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But still, in 2018, they put on a jammin' live show with Waterworld. | ||
| So everybody's like, wait, what the fuck is this based on? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| This is some sort of dystopian world where, like, everybody is drowning, right? | ||
| The water's risen to the top of everything, and there's baddies and good people, and then there's stunt people that are risking their lives as explosions and fire. | ||
| Flying jet skis. | ||
| I went to see it with my family. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hot. | |
| We got fucking drenched, by the way. | ||
| If you're going to go to see this, don't go during a cold day. | ||
| It doesn't matter good or bad seats, man. | ||
| That shit goes up into the 15th, 16th rows. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That is good production value. | ||
| It's great because it's like a play, but it's fun to watch. | ||
| It's very enjoyable. | ||
| That's all Kevin Costner had to do, was just do this. | ||
| He didn't have to make that gigantic movie. | ||
| Well, that movie just... | ||
| Dennis Hopper? | ||
| That movie was a... | ||
| I had some friends that worked on it that were stunt people in the movie, and they were just talking about the amount of money that, like, whenever you're filming anything involving water, like, you're fucked. | ||
| Everything is insanely expensive. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Everything is... | ||
| Your cameras, your... | ||
| It's all underwater. | ||
| Everything's water. | ||
| It's wet. | ||
| Everything's wet. | ||
| The whole thing was crazy. | ||
| And it sucked. | ||
| It did suck. | ||
| I tried to watch it actually recently. | ||
| Fucking terrible movie. | ||
| It's got a cigar. | ||
| It's a cool idea that the seas have risen and now you have to live on this boat. | ||
| Yeah, but he's in a fight for his life and shit, and he's got a fucking cigar in his mouth. | ||
| It's one of those movies. | ||
| Yeah, and they have weird comedic guys, and then Dennis Hopper looks cool, but it's kind of weird. | ||
| Yeah, see? | ||
| These guys are about to shoot him, and he's got a cigar in his mouth. | ||
| Look, everybody's dirty, but it's wet out. | ||
| Get in the water, you fuck! | ||
| You dirty, stinky bitch! | ||
| There's water everywhere! | ||
| That's a great point. | ||
| Why are they filthy? | ||
| The whole place is a tub. | ||
| It's because it's a rip-off of Mad Max. | ||
| But Mad Max, the dystopian Mad Max movie, was made in a place where there's no fucking water. | ||
| Here in the desert. | ||
| They had a reason to be dirty, you fucking plagiarists. | ||
| Just jump in the water. | ||
| See, he's fighting for his lifer and he's got a cigar in his mouth. | ||
| Spit the cigar out, you cunt. | ||
| You're gonna get shot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I did like that boat, though. | ||
| That was a pretty cool boat that he could control the whole thing. | ||
| It's bad, but it's not nearly as bad as the postman. | ||
| The Postman was another dystopian movie that was a colossal failure starring Kevin Costner. | ||
| I'm not shitting on Kevin Costner. | ||
| I'm a huge Kevin Costner fan. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| But he was in a couple of stinkers that kind of tanked him for a long time. | ||
| The Postman from 1997 is one of the worst movies in the history of bad movies. | ||
| So bad that I will get high and watch it occasionally just for the fucking yucks. | ||
| I've never even seen this one. | ||
| Oh, yeah, in the future. | ||
| Oh, and that's Simeon Ribisi, whatever his name is. | ||
| Yeah, whatever, Giovanni Ribisi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Giovanni Ribisi. | |
| Yeah, you get kicked in the head there. | ||
| In this movie, like... | ||
| Who is he? | ||
| Kevin Costner has to deliver the letters. | ||
| It's like this big thing. | ||
| In the future, there's no post office anymore, so he's got to be like the postman, but they're trying to kill him. | ||
| Look, they're going to fucking get him. | ||
| He's got to run across the bridge. | ||
| He's like, I've got letters. | ||
| He's got the mail. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| The fuck are you doing with these letters? | ||
| I gotta bring them. | ||
| It's important we communicate. | ||
| Is this all because the Dances with Wolves was so good? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They tried to redo it? | |
| No, this is nothing like Dances with Wolves. | ||
| Get them back in the woods. | ||
| I think this is based on a novel. | ||
| If I remember correctly. | ||
| See if that movie, The Postman, is based on a novel. | ||
| I think it's based on a science fiction or future fiction novel, if I remember correctly. | ||
| I never even heard of that movie. | ||
| Oh, it's so bad. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Yeah, it is made of a book. | ||
| Okay, yeah. | ||
| So yeah, it's about, I think it might be like post-nuclear war or something. | ||
| Who's trying to stop them? | ||
| People don't like mail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Guess what year it takes place then. | |
| Let me guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
2014. 13. Oh my god! | |
| That's great. | ||
| The other day we were looking at Blade Runner. | ||
| Blade Runner was 2019. Yeah. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| The original one was 2019. Wow. | ||
| Next year. | ||
| Flying cars. | ||
| Robo people. | ||
| So off. | ||
| Not so. | ||
| Well, we might make it. | ||
| We're going fast. | ||
| The thing is, whatever does happen will happen so fast, we'll wish for something like Blade Runner, where there's some sort of intermediate world where the technology and the people coexist. | ||
| Right, because we're just gonna be Yeah, we're just going to be plugged into it, like the Matrix. | ||
| It's just going to be slow, and then all of a sudden. | ||
| It's going to be just, if you go back to 1994, which is essentially when most people started logging on to, you've got mail, right? | ||
| That's 24 years ago. | ||
| Okay, that's not a long time. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's a tiny, brief little moment in human history, and in 24 years, the world's radically changed the way it gets information. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Completely. | |
| Completely, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now, go 24 years from now, it's probably gonna be accelerated tenfold from that point. | ||
| Like, the moment artificial intelligence happens, the moment autonomous cars start happening, the moment the boring company actually has tunnels going through the bottom of L.A. All of it's going to be fucking bananas. | ||
| I had a guy from Tesla Energy at my house yesterday. | ||
| And they bought SolarCity, so it's no longer this solar company. | ||
| They're now Tesla Energy. | ||
| Tesla Energy is now the car, the trucks. | ||
| The batteries, the power wall, generators, and the solar. | ||
| And this guy comes in like he's from the future. | ||
| He is dressed like a future guy in this, like, black-fitted thing. | ||
| He's kind of like those shoes, but in white. | ||
| And he just kind of comes in. | ||
| He's really sharp and, like, really clear and just goes through the thing. | ||
| He's probably on Adderall. | ||
| And their thing is that they're going to put solar on the roof, and then you have your power wall. | ||
| You're still connected to the grid because you've got to... | ||
| They have to for political reasons. | ||
| But their whole thing, they want to create Tesla neighborhoods where everybody starts feeding off of each other. | ||
| They're just completely autonomous Tesla neighborhoods. | ||
| That's a good point what you just said, though, about that it's politically motivated, the reason why they have to stay on the grid. | ||
| It's the only reason. | ||
| It's the only reason. | ||
| They don't need it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But in order to get things passed, like have that big battery in your house, they wouldn't let that happen unless, because that really would mean that you're completely cut off, and the politicians are like, no, all that's not happening. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Because... | ||
| That's a more efficient way to do it. | ||
| You're getting the power from the sun. | ||
| It's cleaner. | ||
| It's better for everybody. | ||
| And yet they're still like, no. | ||
| No, we want to keep these jobs. | ||
| We want to keep this system. | ||
| We want to slow down progress. | ||
| We don't want everybody to have to radically readjust. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the costs for energy are just going up so quickly that in like three years what you pay in Southern California is almost going to double. | ||
| Three years? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because they have to reach benchmarks by 2020. Did you see what Tesla did in Puerto Rico? | ||
| No. | ||
| What did they do? | ||
| I remember him saying he was going to do this, and then there was no news coverage about it. | ||
| But their whole infrastructure was wiped out during the hurricane. | ||
| Like, completely. | ||
| That old, archaic electric shot. | ||
| He had all these power walls. | ||
| They're giant batteries about the size of the flag. | ||
| And they just store all of this energy, like a year's worth of energy you can store. | ||
| And they were about to be shipped to customers here in the U.S. who bought them, who want them in their house. | ||
| You know, it was backup generators, basically. | ||
| They're supposed to ship in January. | ||
| They're not shipping now until April because he decided these people in Puerto Rico need energy, took all of those Powerwalls, shipped them to Puerto Rico, and has built this new infrastructure for Puerto Rico. | ||
| Hospitals are running on Tesla. | ||
| Schools are running on Tesla. | ||
| Neighborhoods are running on it. | ||
| And it was this quiet little story, like nobody... | ||
| This is a kick-ass company that went in and literally is saving this island. | ||
| Listen, fuck Oprah. | ||
| We need Elon Musk to run for president. | ||
| I'm tired of people saying Oprah. | ||
| The last couple of days have been hell for me. | ||
| I love Oprah. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| I think she's a wonderful woman. | ||
| I think she's a powerful force of good and positive energy. | ||
| But she ain't no Elon. | ||
| But she also brought us Dr. Oz and The Secret. | ||
| We have to remember what this lady has done. | ||
| She has to be held accountable. | ||
| I forgive her, but, I mean, cut the shit. | ||
| The secret is a particularly egregious offense. | ||
| What, you don't, you just... | ||
| You don't believe? | ||
| You don't believe? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Believe? | |
| Believe? | ||
| I want to be rich. | ||
| I am rich. | ||
| I imagine myself flying. | ||
| I can fly. | ||
| I will beat my wings until I take off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was one of the more—I won't say disturbing, but it was confusing when that was taking hold of people. | ||
| I had friends that were telling me that the secret is real and that they imagined they were going to fulfill these childhood dreams that they had had. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| About whatever, being a fucking astronaut, whatever it would be. | ||
| There was a couple people that I knew that were trying to tell me that the secret was going to be the thing, and that they had a vision board, and they had photographs, they put pictures up of the things that they wanted, like them in front of large crowds and shit, and I'm like, oh boy. | ||
| Them in front of large crowds. | ||
| This is so not how it works. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there is a kernel of it that works. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Positive thinking, you wanting something, you envisioning it. | ||
| But that's a little component in just how you live your life. | ||
| It's not just sitting in your place and wishing it so. | ||
| It's like saying, I am going to be a bodybuilder because I drink water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Where do I start? | ||
| You should drink water and it will help you if you want to be a bodybuilder. | ||
| But I've talked to all these bodybuilders and the one thing they have in common is they all drank water and they knew that if they drank water they would be giant. | ||
| They'd be giant, huge people. | ||
| That's all you gotta do. | ||
| Okay, but did they also perform reps to failure? | ||
| Did they also take steroids? | ||
| Did they also do these exercises? | ||
| Squats, deadlifts, curls, you know? | ||
| Did they do all that stuff too? | ||
| Yes, but the water... | ||
| Why aren't you a believer? | ||
| This is what it's like. | ||
| It's because they're saying, like, no, these people... | ||
| They believe that they can do these things. | ||
| They had this vision and they focused on this vision and it came to fruition. | ||
| You know what they also did? | ||
| They also busted their fucking ass and got lucky and were in a business or career that they had some talent in and figured out what that career is and figured out how to navigate the very weird waters of social interaction and skill acquisition and success and failure and how to learn. | ||
| And luck! | ||
| That's the big problem is you're dealing with complete sampling bias. | ||
| You're only asking people that are in the mansions, Tom Papa, how did you do it? | ||
| I mean, I see you here. | ||
| You have this place. | ||
| It's as big as the White House. | ||
| You have a giant lawn. | ||
| Did you always know this was going to be your reality? | ||
| I saw it and I just put it on my vision board. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Obviously it doesn't stick around. | ||
| It became a fad because all these people at some point had to take the board down. | ||
| Well, and unfortunately some people died because there was a story I was reading about Oprah, unfortunately, where this woman had terminal cancer. | ||
| And she had stage 3 breast cancer and just decided that through the secret she was going to imagine herself a healthy person. | ||
| And then, you know, she eventually wound up dying from it because she didn't get treatment. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I mean, she stopped conventional medical treatment. | ||
| But what part of... | ||
| So how far do you go with positive thinking? | ||
| Because I see you as a fellow that... | ||
| I would think positive thinking plays into your life. | ||
| Well, what does that even mean, really? | ||
| Like, do I think positive? | ||
| I think in a positive way. | ||
| I try to be positive. | ||
| But when you're trying to accomplish something, whether you're trying to You know get better at something like say if you're playing a game like what if let's say golf like say take up golf and you want to be a really good golfer like you start thinking about golf like how do I get better at golf you have to learn you have to pay attention to instructional videos you have to maybe seek out coaching you have to play some games and lose you have to choke under pressure you have to examine the mental game like what is wrong | ||
| with my mental process when I approach a shot what is wrong with this what is wrong and then Become obsessed with the idea of succeeding in that. | ||
| And I think that can apply to everything. | ||
| I certainly believe in positive thinking, but that was like mystic nonsense. | ||
| No, that tips over and it discounts all the other stuff that you have to do. | ||
| There's something to the law of attraction, but it is one component to this gigantic There's this sort of spectrum of factors that have to be taken into consideration when you're trying to succeed at something. | ||
| Positive thinking is one of them, but it's also the understanding of how to eliminate laziness, how to discipline yourself, how to write down goals. | ||
| How to make incremental steps towards improvement. | ||
| How to recognize failure is not just the end of all your hard work but in fact the beginning of a new breakthrough because you understand how to never do this wrong the wrong way again and the consequences of doing things wrong. | ||
| It's like there's a lot of... | ||
| There's a lot of factors in getting better and succeeding at things, and they boiled it down to the easiest one, which is dreaming. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| And that's why it's sold, but Oprah sold it. | ||
| I mean, she was one of the big ones, man. | ||
| She was all in. | ||
| She was fucking 50 years old at the time. | ||
| I mean, this is not a young woman who was selling this. | ||
| How old is Oprah now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
75. 89? | |
| No, she just ran a marathon in four hours. | ||
| Did she really? | ||
| She's 67? | ||
|
unidentified
|
63. She ran a marathon? | |
| Yeah, so let's think of when The Secret came out. | ||
| I want to say that was like 2006-ish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
2004. 2006, okay. | |
| So 12 years ago, she was 50 years old. | ||
| How the fuck do you not know when you're 50 years old and worth a billion dollars that that's not how it works? | ||
| That it's hocus pocus. | ||
| Yeah, it's not hocus pocus. | ||
| And to sell that to people is crazy. | ||
| And that's a book that sold, I think I was reading it, sold somewhere in the neighborhood of 20 million copies. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Is that what it says, yeah? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jeez. | |
| That's crazy. | ||
| Well, you want an easy way. | ||
| You want something that's easy. | ||
| Everybody wants, you're in trouble, you're feeling whatever, and they want something to come, something come and help me. | ||
| I mean, it's where religion comes from. | ||
| It's just, please. | ||
| There's that thing inside of us that's like, I want to believe. | ||
| If I believe, is that enough? | ||
| It is a lot like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was... | ||
| One of Trump's spiritual advisors, he's got some spiritual advisor, some woman who was telling people to send her money. | ||
| Send her money for January. | ||
| There was some whole article about it. | ||
| But it's basically essentially the same thing. | ||
| It's like the idea is that, what is she saying? | ||
| Donald Trump's spiritual advisor, Paula White, suggests people send her their January salary or face consequences from God. | ||
| No. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| She's attractive too, which is interesting. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Yeah, look at her. | ||
| Bam, I'll give you money. | ||
| What do I gotta do? | ||
| Alright, I'll do it. | ||
| What do I gotta do, Paula? | ||
| How much do you need? | ||
| I don't know if that's a good picture. | ||
| Maybe she just looks good when she's screaming. | ||
| Yeah, she looks good. | ||
| But, um... | ||
| Yeah, I would love for some really... | ||
| I would love for the day where there's some real powerful spiritual... | ||
| Individual who doesn't ask for money. | ||
| Well, that's not even a real powerful or spiritual individual. | ||
| It's a huckster. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| Like, it would be so great if some... | ||
| Like, so you listen to some people. | ||
| Like, I watched... | ||
| I was doing some gig, and there was this black preacher, and he was out on stage, and he's talking, and it was like he's really entertaining, and he had a couple nice things that he was saying, and then, please, send me your money. | ||
| And it was like, imagine if a guy showed up Well, there is. | ||
| Who? | ||
| There's plenty of those people on Instagram. | ||
| Who don't ask for dough? | ||
| Yeah, they're just trying to get... | ||
| Okay, like Gary Vee, for instance. | ||
| Gary Vee's whole thing is about hustling. | ||
| Gary Vee's like the anti-secret. | ||
| He's anti the secret. | ||
| And when you look at what Gary Vee does, Gary Vee is all about... | ||
| I was sick for several days. | ||
| I was fighting something all last week. | ||
| Yeah, I got the flu. | ||
| I got the flu. | ||
| I thought I had it. | ||
| I left here. | ||
| I'm diverting. | ||
| Let me just get back to this Gary Vee thing. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But with guys like him... | ||
| I do want to talk colds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He sells books, so I don't know if he's the best example. | |
| He sells books? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, but he's not asking for money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, okay. | |
| I mean, he's actually, and he's actually a guy who's, he's experienced some success as an entrepreneur, and I listen to people, how do I say this without being mean? | ||
| There's a lot of people that are giving advice Online, because people react well to it. | ||
| Because they're giving advice, because when they give advice, people respond to it, and they say, this is amazing, and they'll like it, and they'll give them positive feedback and love. | ||
| But their advice is at least... | ||
| A certain percent of it is just nonsense. | ||
| They're just talking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They're just trying to say things they've heard before, or they're trying to somehow or another put together a sentence that sounds like you'll get some likes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of that. | ||
| You just gotta believe, guys. | ||
| You just gotta surround yourself with positive people. | ||
| Chris D'Elia makes fun of those people in a hilarious way. | ||
| He's great at it. | ||
| Is he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| About comedians who do it? | ||
| Not just comedians who do it, but just people who do it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Here's the thing, sometimes people will say things that are real, that are really inspirational, and that's great too. | ||
| It's just knowing horse shit. | ||
| You gotta know horse shit. | ||
| A lot of people don't know where the horse shit is. | ||
| The secret is horse shit. | ||
| See, that's the problem. | ||
| Gary Vee is inspirational and motivational. | ||
| I guarantee you there's a lot of people out there that have done things in their life that they might not have done because of Gary Vee. | ||
| Because he's a hustler, because he's really got a lot of energy, and he's like, just fucking put down your phone. | ||
| Go out there and get things done. | ||
| Sleep an hour less. | ||
| Sleep a fucking hour less. | ||
| And he'll just tell you, like, do this, sell that. | ||
| And he gives you practical advice about how to get started and get things done. | ||
| It's like the opposite of the secret. | ||
| Does he hold seminars? | ||
| I'm sure Gary does shit like that. | ||
| It sounds like Tony Robbins. | ||
| Sort of, but he's more like... | ||
| He's like a younger, more energetic hustler character. | ||
| Crystal Lee, what does this say? | ||
| Play this. | ||
| Give me some volume. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hard work. | |
| Hard work. | ||
| It says you can do anything you put your mind to except most things. | ||
| Perseverance. | ||
| He's got an eagle on his shoulder. | ||
| Never backing down. | ||
| Not stopping. | ||
| Remaining focused. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never quitting. | |
| Meanwhile, he does all those things as well. | ||
| This is from his last special. | ||
| Meanwhile, he works hard. | ||
| It's really funny. | ||
| The funny thing is, Chris actually does work hard. | ||
| I literally... | ||
| Well, yeah, that's the kind of... | ||
| Yeah, I mean, Kevin Hart now has moved into that realm. | ||
| He has so many people listening to him, and all of a sudden, they just... | ||
| You know, he's... | ||
| I love him. | ||
| He's hilarious. | ||
| He's a really good guy. | ||
| I've known him for a long time. | ||
| But now he's got so many followers and he has so many people listening that he's starting to do that. | ||
| He's not just telling jokes. | ||
| He's doing crunches and telling you you've got to believe. | ||
| And I said to my daughter, my daughter was like, is he a comedian? | ||
| She asked me. | ||
| She was showing the thing. | ||
| I said, yeah, he's really funny. | ||
| I said, but this is a different thing. | ||
| I said, do you think I can make videos and just tell people to live better? | ||
| Would they like that? | ||
| No, Dad. | ||
| Well, I'm guilty of that, too. | ||
| I've done that, too. | ||
| But there's things that you know that you've experienced and that you've done that you want people to know about. | ||
| But it's not everything I say. | ||
| The problem with some people... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, that's the key. | |
| All day, you're inspiring people? | ||
| That's all you fucking do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| All you do. | ||
| Right. | ||
| All you do is give out advice. | ||
| Advice, yeah. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you just advice give? | ||
| No, there's a thing about... | ||
| There's a thing about Kevin, there's a thing about you, that you watch somebody, they're interesting, you like them, and they're getting shit done, and you're like, I'll take advice from this guy, I'll hear what he has to say. | ||
| There is that element. | ||
| It's when it becomes... | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| Bullshit. | ||
| When it becomes, no, you have to listen to me because I have all the answers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And God talks to me, and that kind of stuff. | ||
| Well, there's songs that... | ||
| There's love songs that you hear that hit you and you go, wow, why does that resonate so much? | ||
| Why is that so profound? | ||
| And then there's songs where you're like, shut this stupid fucking nonsense down, right? | ||
| It's like there's this pop, music-y, plastic, hollow, empty bullshit that also has a lot of those same words in it, right? | ||
| Like, what is the difference? | ||
| And that millions of people like. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, but they're dumb as fuck. | ||
| Well, that's... | ||
| But it's the same thing. | ||
| You've got all these people that still buy into the horseshit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There is a big herd of people out there that you can, if you just start doing... | ||
| If Chris just stopped being a comedian and started posting videos like that all the time... | ||
| Oh, he would kick ass. | ||
| He'd get followers. | ||
| Well, if he really wanted to, if Delia really wanted to be an inspirational guy, he's a handsome fella. | ||
| He's got a great voice. | ||
| He's got a lot of energy. | ||
| He's dynamic. | ||
| He could do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's fit. | |
| He could do something like that if he wanted to. | ||
| Kevin, the same thing. | ||
| The thing is, though, Chris can do other things. | ||
| A lot of these inspirational fucks, they really can't do things. | ||
| They're not doing anything. | ||
| They're not producing any great works. | ||
| They're not doing any interesting art. | ||
| They're not creating any interesting music. | ||
| They're not making any funny comedy. | ||
| What they're doing is just trying to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, there's a lot of people out there that don't think they can do it, but you can. | |
| It's in you. | ||
| It's a flower that must be watered with the love of the gods. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, you cunts. | ||
| There's so many of them. | ||
| They're overwhelming. | ||
| They are. | ||
| So their business... | ||
| Is not getting money from you necessarily. | ||
| Their business is in you paying attention to them and then as you pay attention to them and to their social media, their social media page grows and then they can do like speeches at these... | ||
| Have you seen those self-help conferences? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Some people go on boats. | ||
| They go on a cruise ship. | ||
| Yeah, the Tony Robbins stuff. | ||
| Everybody on a cruise ship is just giving different kinds of advice. | ||
| Yeah, speeches and everyone, get in here, we're going to have a session. | ||
| And it does help people. | ||
| There are people that they do help. | ||
| Yes, true. | ||
| Some of it works. | ||
| I mean, if you're lost and you don't know what's going on and you've been a loser for a while and you take a couple of his tips, Yeah. | ||
| And you start working and writing shit down and going and have some self-confidence. | ||
| It can help your life. | ||
| But there's some of these guys that all they're doing is just trying to figure out a way to give people advice when they've never done shit themselves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's not worth listening to. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But yet they're there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But is that any worse than an open mic-er? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| I mean, if someone... | ||
| No. | ||
| What I want to do is... | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| If someone says, what I want to do is I want to become a motivational speaker. | ||
| I want to really help people. | ||
| I want to really touch people. | ||
| But right now, I kind of suck at it. | ||
| It's like you don't just start out as Tony Robbins. | ||
| No, that's right. | ||
| Yeah, you're just starting. | ||
| And it's like a trainer. | ||
| It's like a boxing trainer who's never really want to fight. | ||
| It could just be like an old guy who's just... | ||
| Some of those guys, most of them, in fact, are former fighters. | ||
| Are they? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's very rare that someone's a boxing trainer. | ||
| Pacquiao's guy? | ||
| What, Freddie Roach? | ||
| Yeah, was he a good boxer? | ||
| Yeah, he was a famous professional. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah, he's got Parkinson's because of it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, he's got trauma-related Parkinson's disease from his time in the ring. | ||
| Angelo Dundee? | ||
| He fought, um, uh, shit, uh, what the fuck's his name? | ||
| The Puerto Rican guy. | ||
| Hagler. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Hector Camacho. | ||
| Oh, Camacho? | ||
| Yeah, he fought Camacho. | ||
| He fought a lot of big-name guys. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He was a big deal in terms of journeyman fighters. | ||
| Freddie Roach and his brother Pepper Roach was also a known guy in the world of boxing. | ||
| Yeah, Freddie was legit. | ||
| He was a legit guy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He was a legit pro. | ||
| Are there trainers that just train people that they just became trainers and weren't boxers? | ||
| They definitely have some experience. | ||
| Usually they have some amateur fights. | ||
| It's very, very rare that someone becomes a respected boxing trainer without having any competition experience. | ||
| It just doesn't seem to make any sense. | ||
| Some of them, they realize early on that they're better at coaching than they are at competing. | ||
| Whether it's because of physical dynamics or whether it's, you know, they just don't like getting hit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| They know the limits. | ||
| Or some people just are really good at teaching others. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, that's a weird thing, too. | ||
| In the world of jiu-jitsu, it's very common. | ||
| Because in jiu-jitsu, there's a lot of people that get really good at understanding and, like, one of the guys that's going to be here next week, John Donaher, is world famous for it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's very famous for being one of the greatest coaches in jiu-jitsu of all time, but as far as I know, very little experience in terms of actual competition. | ||
| But he's, as a coach, unparalleled. | ||
| He's universally regarded as one of the great coaches alive. | ||
| Wow, that's impressive. | ||
| I got my 12-year-old a heavy bag for Christmas. | ||
| She's wrapping her hands. | ||
| She's got gloves. | ||
| Get someone to teach her how to do it correctly. | ||
| Yeah, my buddy Matt's coming over. | ||
| He's a trainer. | ||
| He worked under Angelo Dundee for a while and opened his own gym. | ||
| My good buddy, Matt Biamonte. | ||
| And he's gonna come teach her on Thursday. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty cool. | ||
| It's a good way to get out aggression too. | ||
| That's why I got it for her. | ||
| She would just get angry. | ||
| She'd be doing schoolwork and be like, this is bullshit. | ||
| And I'm like, and she's like, I want to punch something. | ||
| She started like punching pillows once in a while. | ||
| So now I got her a bag. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How much of you is Italian? | |
| All of it's Italian except for my one grandfather was German. | ||
| Angry people. | ||
| The Germans or the Italians? | ||
| Both. | ||
| Mostly Italian. | ||
| Sicilian is the dominant part. | ||
| There's a little temper there. | ||
| Angry people. | ||
| That's in her genes. | ||
| She wants to fucking feed knuckle sandwiches to people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She really does. | |
| She's like this beautiful 12 year old girl who just wants to punch. | ||
| My sister's that way too. | ||
| I stopped dating Italian girls when I was 21. Last Italian girl I dated took a swing at me. | ||
| I was like, I'm good. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you deserve it? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| But I saw it coming. | ||
| I was like, I can't believe this is happening. | ||
| She's actually trying to punch me. | ||
| She's going to punch me. | ||
| She's going to fucking punch me. | ||
| I saw her shoulder pull back. | ||
| I'm like, there's no way this is actually happening. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was fighting at the time, so I was used to people punching me. | ||
| So I was just pulling her shoulder back. | ||
| I'm like, this can't be really happening. | ||
| I don't believe this is happening. | ||
| Oh my god, it's happening. | ||
| And I had to tuck under it. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| But I think she just wanted attention. | ||
| I don't think she actually... | ||
| I think she's pretty sure that it wasn't going to land. | ||
| You know, that if she threw a punch at me that I was just going to... | ||
| Because if she really wanted to hurt me, she'd fucking hit me when I wasn't looking. | ||
| That's what people do. | ||
| They don't just look right at you, you motherfucker. | ||
| But then again, when people are in the height of some sort of fucking Sicilian love rage. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| You don't want to mess with that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The screaming and the yelling and the throwing things around. | ||
| That's also very East Coast. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| I've talked about this ad nauseum, but I really believe that that's the echoes of those fucking barbarians that came over on boats from Europe and didn't even know what America looked like. | ||
| No. | ||
| They didn't even have a photo to look at, and these fucking cave people just pulled up on rafts and started fucking immediately. | ||
| They started baking bread, rolling up pasta, and banging each other. | ||
| Hey, I got bread for both of you. | ||
| Oh, you have two loaves. | ||
| You're an animal. | ||
| Tom, Papa, you're a god amongst men. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| This is for you. | ||
| Do you eat the bread? | ||
| I've never given you the bread. | ||
| I never gave Jamie the bread. | ||
| I'm like, he's probably going to appreciate it more. | ||
| How long will this stay good? | ||
| Because Sunday's my cheat day. | ||
| Sunday? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You'll be good. | ||
| Or should I just postpone my cheat day or move it to today? | ||
| If you keep it in paper, you'll have to toast it up. | ||
| What's the best way, though? | ||
| To eat it today is the best way? | ||
| To eat it today or tomorrow, actually. | ||
| Tomorrow, Thursday. | ||
| Tomorrow's better? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why's it better? | ||
| Because it just came out. | ||
| So it's not good right away. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's if you want that warmth. | ||
| It is. | ||
| But really, it gets even better a day after. | ||
| You know, that's the case with tuna. | ||
| I did not know that. | ||
| I always thought that if you bought sushi, that you're supposed to get fresh sushi. | ||
| They just pulled it out of the water. | ||
| They're going to slice it up for you right now. | ||
| But no, if you go to a real master sushi maker, that sushi sits. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For how long? | ||
| Fucking weeks sometimes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I know. | ||
| Just the tuna? | ||
| I watched some documentary on some sushi master. | ||
| Oh, the hero? | ||
| No, it wasn't that. | ||
| It wasn't that guy. | ||
| But that guy, that's a great one too. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| I was like, somebody, what we're talking about is Jiro, is that how you say his name? | ||
| Hero or Jiro? | ||
| Jiro or Yiro? | ||
| How do you say it though? | ||
| Do you know? | ||
| It's spelled with a J. Let's say Jiro. | ||
| Jiro dreams of sushi. | ||
| I was like, I'm not gonna watch a fucking documentary on a guy who makes sushi. | ||
| Cut the fish. | ||
| Smush the rice up. | ||
| You're done, dude. | ||
| Give me some edamame. | ||
| Get this party started. | ||
| This ain't like some complicated casserole that you're putting together. | ||
| But wow. | ||
| You watch it and you go, oh, okay. | ||
| I'm ignorant. | ||
| This guy's an artist. | ||
| Yeah, there's way more to this. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| His whole soul is in it. | ||
| And it comes out. | ||
| Yeah, amazing. | ||
| And his tiny ass little restaurant that's about the size of this room. | ||
| Yeah, no interest in getting bigger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| No franchising. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| Just doing this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So well that people are going to come. | ||
| There's something to that, man. | ||
| Oh, it's the best. | ||
| Doing one thing really well. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My God. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| There's definitely something to that. | ||
| There's something to, especially, like, the mindset of every day trying to learn how to make that egg dish perfect. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That one egg dish that one guy said he worked on for a year. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| A fucking year on eggs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just completely doing it over and over and over. | ||
| My bread thing is probably your bow thing, the bread thing. | ||
| You do just start to focus on this one thing and trying to do it well and it becomes a part of you. | ||
| You're starting to put yourself into it. | ||
| It's not just making bread. | ||
| It is a practice. | ||
| It is something that for a couple of years I've just gone down that wormhole. | ||
| It's a good thing. | ||
| The wormhole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Doing that one thing. | ||
| I really, I feel like that sometimes with stand-up. | ||
| It's like, we have all these other things that are always going on and pulling us in different directions and stuff, and it's like, if you could just focus purely on just, if that was the only, if you weren't taking any phone calls on anything else, you weren't podcasting, you weren't writing scripts, you weren't peering on whatever, like, would that make a difference? | ||
| Like, would you be... | ||
| Yes and no. | ||
| Because I think... | ||
| That stand-up requires a certain amount of dedication and a certain amount of time on stage, but I think it also requires a certain amount of living. | ||
| I think you need to do other things. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And although podcasting seems like a job and a distraction, one thing it is unquestionably is an exploration of ideas. | ||
| Right. | ||
| At an unprecedented level. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like you're exploring ideas without looking at your phone, without talking. | ||
| Just you and I are talking for three hours. | ||
| Right. | ||
| When does that ever happen in life? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, it doesn't. | ||
| There's a lot of ideas that I come up with through stand-up or in stand-up that came out of podcasts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah? | |
| For sure. | ||
| Yeah, a lot. | ||
| Yeah, your mind's active. | ||
| Yeah, so I think that... | ||
| Yeah, and writing's similar. | ||
| Writing's the same kind of a thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I also think doing stuff is important, too. | ||
| Not just the actual sit-down talking part of the podcast, but actually going places. | ||
| Being active. | ||
| You have to experience things. | ||
| You have to watch documentaries. | ||
| You have to go to a museum. | ||
| You have to go see things. | ||
| You gotta go talk to people. | ||
| You gotta go on adventures. | ||
| You gotta go travel. | ||
| Yeah, it's filling up the well. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You have to think of your brain almost like you're CrossFit. | ||
| Not CrossFit. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| What's that word where you... | ||
| Cross training? | ||
| I guess that's what I'm working for. | ||
| When you're doing a bunch of different kinds of things. | ||
| Multitasking. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Different types of athletic activities that will enhance your sport. | ||
| Let's say if you play hockey. | ||
| You don't just do hockey. | ||
| You also are involved in the box jumps. | ||
| You're doing a lot of sprinting up hills. | ||
| That's a good way to look at it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All these things enhance this one activity. | ||
| And it's not just all you have to do is just skate all day and you'll become the best skater. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, maybe, or you could get better at the motions of skating by strengthening your legs with weightlifting, or by doing this, and you can accelerate your curve by doing yoga, or you could, you know. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I think that there's something to that with comedy, at least for me. | ||
| Yeah, no, I agree. | ||
| I mean, when I'm really actively writing other stuff, whether it's scripts or whatever, My writing for stand-up improves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a muscle. | ||
| Yeah, and reading, by the way. | ||
| Reading, writing stuff, it all feeds the act. | ||
| When you then shift your focus over here back to the act, you're better because of that stuff. | ||
| But I do sometimes think, like the sushi guy, but what if the output was only geared towards that? | ||
| The input I get Doing all that stuff, but would there be a difference? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I mean, maybe there's something to that. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know anybody who does it that way, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, Regan. | |
| Yeah, but Regan plays golf and drinks and does a lot of other shit. | ||
| But he's not creating other art. | ||
| He's not writing scripts. | ||
| He also doesn't write right. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He writes kind of in his head. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| And then goes on stage and works on stuff. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which I'm torn on. | ||
| I mean, I know it's very effective. | ||
| Some people do it amazingly well, and that's how they've created incredible works of art. | ||
| But I never give that advice. | ||
| Whenever anyone asks me, I say, you should do both. | ||
| You should write down things. | ||
| You should write on a computer. | ||
| You should write, or however you like to write. | ||
| But you should also fuck around on stage. | ||
| You should do both. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| Yeah, no, I do too. | ||
| I can't just show up on stage and hope it's going to happen. | ||
| Well, there's some ideas that I've had that I'll, like, literally, like, have in my car, and then I'll bounce them around by myself a little bit, and not having ever written them down, I'll go on stage, and then it'll just catch fire. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it'll become a bit, and there's some bits that have made it to specials that I've never even written down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just knew how to do them because I did them a bunch of times, and... | ||
|
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Yeah. | |
| But most of them not, though. | ||
| Most of them not. | ||
| Or at least, I always feel like... | ||
| I'll bring an idea up on stage that hasn't been written down yet. | ||
| There's something there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's something going on, but then I bring it back to the shop and we'll play with it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then it becomes this back and forth. | ||
| Here's one example. | ||
| This is a bit that I bounced around. | ||
| I was thinking about in the car, and then I brought it onto stage in a completed form, and it never really changed. | ||
| There's a bit about Bigfoot. | ||
| I said, here's what you don't find when you go looking for Bigfoot. | ||
| Black people. | ||
| You're more likely to find Bigfoot than you are black people looking for Bigfoot. | ||
| You just find hordes of unfuckable white dudes out camping. | ||
| That's what she finds. | ||
| That's who goes looking for Bigfoot. | ||
| It's not an African-American pastime. | ||
| And that bit came out in the car. | ||
| I made myself laugh. | ||
| And then it never changed. | ||
| It just became that. | ||
| I don't think I ever wrote it down anywhere. | ||
| I made it into my 2014 Comedy Central special. | ||
| That's a little gift. | ||
| But that's rare. | ||
| Those are the rare ones. | ||
| It is rare, but man, it'd be nice if they all came that way. | ||
| There's been a few. | ||
| Usually for some reason they're one-liners too like that. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| It's just complete. | ||
| Some of them just form themselves complete. | ||
| Those are best too when it makes you laugh. | ||
| Like there's things that you just think in your head, yeah that's pretty funny, that is a funny thing. | ||
| And then you bring it up on stage and it becomes really funny. | ||
| But when it really just truly makes you laugh, that's great. | ||
| Yeah, it is great when there's something that just clicks to the point where you just start giggling and you're just like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Those are my favorite kind of jokes. | ||
| Yeah, because that's why you started making people laugh as a kid in the first place. | ||
| It was just having fun. | ||
| And sometimes as an adult, you've got all this other stuff in your head. | ||
| It's like, you do have to kind of remind yourself, this is fun. | ||
| This is silly shit. | ||
| This should be giggle enjoyable, you know? | ||
| Yeah, it should be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It should be. | ||
| Sometimes it can be feel like, you know, because it comes out of writing. | ||
| The other stuff that does come out of writing Writing can be a grind. | ||
| Writing is insular. | ||
| It's by yourself. | ||
| You're just in there alone. | ||
| It's not this joyful place most of the time. | ||
| You're not writing like... | ||
| But it's not painful. | ||
| It's not painful, but it is a practice that is different than just being with your buddies talking about Bigfoot. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And those are the fun ones, right? | ||
| The Bigfoot ones are the ones that come out of nowhere with no effort and they kill. | ||
| And you're like, I got this for free! | ||
| Yay! | ||
| It's like you got some crazy skateboard that you're not worried about damaging. | ||
| Because you didn't work on it for a hundred years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, writing's not painful. | ||
| But there is a thing, there is a mental part where you... | ||
| If you ever put it down for a while and don't do it, it's like you've got to get your head back into the space of doing it. | ||
| That could be a little painful. | ||
| Why is that hard? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It is, but I don't know. | ||
| Have you ever read Steven Pressfield's book, The War of Art? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's excellent. | ||
| It's so good that I bought stacks of it, and I used to hand it out to people on the podcast. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, because I think most people, like when you say, like if someone says, like, what's the difference between guys who get things done and guys who don't get things done? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This sounds so stupid and simple, but the people that get things done do things. | ||
| They actually do it. | ||
| They sit down and do it. | ||
| And there's something about the people that don't get things done that stops them from doing that. | ||
| Like, what is it? | ||
| And Pressfield calls it resistance. | ||
| And what he says is that you have to overcome resistance because that's what professionals do. | ||
| You sit down because you have affirmed that you are a pro. | ||
| And you sit down and you go over what you are going to do. | ||
| This is what I do. | ||
| I'm a professional. | ||
| I write. | ||
| And I'm going to sit down and I'm going to write and I'm going to summon the muse. | ||
| Whether the muse is a real thing or not, he treats it as it's a real thing. | ||
| And the concept is that you are going to summon this thing that you call upon to endow you with creativity. | ||
| By doing the work. | ||
| By doing the work, yeah. | ||
| And that overcoming this resistance is the war of art. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And what is the resistance then? | ||
| That's the question. | ||
| Your negative thoughts, really. | ||
| It's not just negative thoughts. | ||
| It's resisting work. | ||
| It's not negative. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Something's stopping you from succeeding. | ||
| Something's stopping you from pushing forward and putting down those ideas. | ||
| You want the easy. | ||
| You want to just sit on the couch. | ||
| In my office, I have a couch and I have a desk. | ||
| And the couch is, you know... | ||
| Nothing gets done on the couch. | ||
| Nothing gets done on the couch. | ||
| Really. | ||
| It's about sitting there. | ||
| There was this great quote from this Israeli writer, who every time I say the quote I say, I always forget what his name was, and I should know it because I use the quote so often. | ||
| But he says that writing, the job of being a writer is the same as being a shopkeeper. | ||
| And it's your job to go and open the shop every day. | ||
| And some days nothing happens. | ||
| Some day you're just sitting in the shop like an idiot behind the desk, and nobody's there. | ||
| And then some days the shop is... | ||
| Buzzing with action and activity and people in and out and stuff is happening. | ||
| But all of those days when it's really busy and active does not happen unless you open the shop every day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's such an easy way for my brain to kind of think of it. | ||
| That's a brilliant way of putting it. | ||
| Just go and sit down at the place where you do the work and start doing the work. | ||
| It may not be great. | ||
| That's not up to you if it's going to be great. | ||
| It's up to you whether or not you sit down and start working. | ||
| Have you ever read Stephen King's On Writing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
| Those are my two go-to books when I'm feeling like I need something to recharge my fortitude. | ||
| That would be a good one to go back to and read. | ||
| I read that once, like a long time ago. | ||
| His just thing of you just, like what you're saying, you just have to do it. | ||
| You just have to do it. | ||
| He's right. | ||
| I mean, there's days that I'll go and I'll write for fucking hours and literally get nothing out of it. | ||
| There's nothing there. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| It's all bullshit. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| And if you judged yourself by that, you'd go like, God, I'm a fucking terrible writer. | ||
| You'd be like, wow, I stink! | ||
| And then one day, you'll just sit down, and then you have your next ten minutes. | ||
| You're like, oh boy, there's something here. | ||
| I got something here. | ||
| I got sparks. | ||
| Yeah, because you showed up. | ||
| Speaking of sparks, did you hear about this fucking bird that they found that starts fires? | ||
| No. | ||
| They found a hawk that picks up burning embers and sticks that are on fire and flies them across rivers and creeks to start the fires on the other side so that it could force game animals to run away. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Birds of prey are starting fires deliberately. | ||
| Kites and falcons are intentionally dropping smoldering twigs to smoke out mice and insects in Australia. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Jeez Louise. | ||
| Researchers have compiled a study of reports of wild birds spreading fires. | ||
| They believe the birds carry these burning twigs to unburnt parts of the bush. | ||
| The birds drop them in a bid to smoke out prey, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| They also smoke three packs a day. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Researchers said birds could be the third force capable of starting bushfires. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| It's clever. | ||
| Yeah, they're so irresponsible, these fucks. | ||
| They don't give a shit about fires. | ||
|
unidentified
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They don't care. | |
| They fly away. | ||
| They're like, well, I'll fly where the fire isn't. | ||
| I got a mouse. | ||
| The whole neighborhood's burnt down. | ||
| But he got a mouse snack. | ||
|
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|
Geez. | |
| They're such assholes. | ||
| What douchebags? | ||
| Did you see that chicken that the researchers created that accidentally, somehow or another, through when they put it together, had the face of a dinosaur? | ||
| Have you seen this? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, see if you can find that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you mean? | |
| It's on my Twitter. | ||
| That they made? | ||
| I don't know what the fuck they did. | ||
| They cross-bred it? | ||
| I briefly read the article. | ||
| I'm like, these motherfuckers. | ||
| And then I ran away. | ||
| You got scared. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's got the face. | |
| This chicken has the face of a fucking dinosaur. | ||
| It's got teeth. | ||
| It's a chicken with a dinosaur's face. | ||
| So, who got the dinosaur stuff? | ||
| Here, pull it up. | ||
| Who got the dinosaur DNA and put it in? | ||
| That. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Chicken, gross face of a dinosaur. | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| On BBC Earth. | ||
| Dude, I've been telling people forever because of the fact that I keep chickens now. | ||
| Chickens are fucking monsters. | ||
| They're monsters. | ||
| They have good eggs, though. | ||
| They do have good eggs. | ||
| But we have this idea of them as being these cute little, you know, cuddly little fluffy things that lay eggs and just peck around. | ||
| No, they're fucking monsters. | ||
| Pull up the top of the article, Jamie. | ||
| Go to the top of it and make it larger so I can read it there. | ||
| See what it says. | ||
| Blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Group of dinosaurs. | ||
| The idea. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| Blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| To understand how one changed the other, a team has been tampering with the molecular process that make up a beak in chickens. | ||
| By doing so, they've managed to create a chicken embryo with a dinosaur-like snout and a palate similar to that of feathered dinosaurs like Velociraptor. | ||
| They're making raptors, these fucks. | ||
| The results are published in the journal Evolution. | ||
| The team's aim was to understand how the bird beak evolved because the beak is such a vital part of bird anatomy. | ||
| It's been crucial for their success. | ||
| The 10,000 or more species occupy a wide range of habitats and many have specialized beaks to help them survive. | ||
| So they mess with the molecular makeup of the beak. | ||
| Yeah, and they made a fucking dinosaur-faced chicken. | ||
| Well, that'll be good when they're running around. | ||
| That'll be great when they're at the petting zoo. | ||
|
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I bet they would have better eggs. | |
| Because my chicken's eggs are significantly better when I let them loose and they go fuck up. | ||
| They'll eat mice and they'll eat worms and bugs. | ||
| And then I'll get these dark yolks. | ||
| Like the last couple of days, they've been running around my yard all day. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, so the eggs that I'll collect tonight or tomorrow will be dark orange. | ||
| Yeah, but when they're sedentary, they're lighter. | ||
| Well, they're just in the cage. | ||
| Well, they have a very large coop. | ||
| The coop is essentially for the 19 chickens. | ||
| 17 now, a couple of them died. | ||
| 17 chickens I have. | ||
| It's basically the size of this room. | ||
| It's a good space. | ||
| They got plenty of room to wander around and plenty of food, but when you ever see vegetarian raised chicken, they don't want that. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| They'll eat that if that's all you give them, but they want to eat things. | ||
| Like bugs and worms? | ||
| Bugs, worms. | ||
| That's most of their diet. | ||
| But mice more than anything. | ||
| Mice? | ||
| If they found a mouse, they fight for it. | ||
| It's one of the few things that they will fight for. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One will grab the mouse and they will just chase each other and try to fuck that mouse up. | ||
| How are those eggs? | ||
| After the mouse day. | ||
| Probably amazing. | ||
| It's hard to tell who's laying the eggs. | ||
| So what do you do with all these eggs? | ||
| There's a lot of eggs. | ||
| You can have some. | ||
| You want some eggs? | ||
| Sure, I'll take some eggs. | ||
| I'll give you some eggs. | ||
| I got some meat for you, too. | ||
| I'm out of elk. | ||
| I got some. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| I really started to crave it. | ||
| I got two this year. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I know. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Serve it up. | ||
| Good to hear for the meat. | ||
| Me and my dog are so happy when the elk comes out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think I showed you a picture. | ||
| Did I send you a shot of you cooking? | ||
| I was cooking up the ground elk, and the dog was just like, we're doing this, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Grass-fed butter and ground elk with a little garlic salt. | ||
| It's really good with the eggs, too. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I like to mix it up in eggs. | ||
| That's exactly what I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe put it on a little bit of the sourdough bread. | |
| Ooh, now you're thinking. | ||
| Take the sourdough, you put a lot of butter on it, just use it as the base and put that on top of it. | ||
| And then just cut it and eat it. | ||
| We need a friend with a vineyard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| We need a friend who makes his own wine. | ||
| That would be great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We live in the right state for it. | ||
| Yeah, I know a guy who does it. | ||
| You do? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Good wine? | ||
| Uh... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I never had his wine. | ||
| I never had his wine. | ||
| He gave me a bottle. | ||
| What the fuck happened to it? | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a buddy of mine, I know. | ||
| He didn't drink it. | ||
| No, he's in the real estate business. | ||
| I drank a lot of wine the second half of the year. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Too much? | ||
| I started reading... | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Confession time? | ||
| No. | ||
| But I'm not drinking for January. | ||
| You're taking the whole month off? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Sober January. | ||
| My friend was like, I'm just gonna... | ||
| We went out on the second. | ||
| He's like, no, I'm not drinking for the month of January. | ||
| And I was like, that sounds good. | ||
| I'm gonna do that too. | ||
| Not thinking. | ||
| And it's been a week. | ||
| And I'm like, this is stupid. | ||
| Which makes me think maybe it's not a bad thing. | ||
| I've never taken a whole month off since I started drinking as a kid. | ||
| You gotta do Sober October. | ||
| That's the move. | ||
| Sober October. | ||
| Yeah, we all do it. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know if everybody's gonna do it this year. | ||
| I doubt we're gonna get Bert to do it again. | ||
| Bert was in a goddamn frothy panic. | ||
| By the time November rolled around. | ||
| Holy shit, look at his face. | ||
| You know where he was getting his jollies? | ||
| He was going on Instagram feeds of people that were clearly losing their fucking minds. | ||
| Oh, just watching them suffer? | ||
| No, he would send them to me, like comedians that were out of their fucking minds. | ||
| He would send them like, just check out her Instagram story. | ||
| I'm like, you son of a bitch. | ||
| And I go there, I'm like, oh my god, what have you done? | ||
| Not from not drinking, just crazy. | ||
| Just being crazy. | ||
| Just being crazy. | ||
| There are some people out there, and I don't want to out them, so I'll tell you off the air. | ||
| There are some people, you find out about their Instagram story, and you go, oh, there's a hidden little gem here online. | ||
| Instagram is such a great tell for people. | ||
| I was going to work with this guy, and I asked my other friend, I said, do you know him? | ||
| He's a director. | ||
| I was like, do you know this guy? | ||
| And she's like, well, I don't want to say anything. | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
| Just look at his Instagram. | ||
| I was like, oh, what an old man thing that I didn't think to do that. | ||
| So just go on the Instagram. | ||
| You're like, oh, they're a train wreck. | ||
| A train wreck. | ||
| Just seeing them posting all their insanity. | ||
| Inspirational stuff? | ||
| No, this was just pure bad shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Teaching you how to be the fully actualized person. | |
| I don't mean to shit on Kevin, by the way. | ||
| Kevin is one of those guys that gets shit done. | ||
| Who's Kevin? | ||
| Kevin Hart, when I was saying Kevin Hart's thing. | ||
| No, he legitimately gets things done and also legitimately gets a thrill out of helping people get motivated. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| He does runs where he brings hundreds of people out running with him. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| He'd do like a 5K and everybody, y'all show up! | ||
| Show up! | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're running! | |
| We're running! | ||
| And everybody will run with Kevin Hart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's legit. | ||
| Hey, how far do you run when you run with your dog? | ||
| No more than, well, Marshall doesn't like to, he gets to the point at the end of the run, he's only a year old, like two miles is about, because we're pushing a pretty good pace in the hills. | ||
| In the hills, right? | ||
| Very, very steep hills. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| At two, and I don't bring any water for him. | ||
| Oh no? | ||
| No, so at two miles, that's all I want to push him. | ||
| Because at the end, his fucking tongue is bright red, and he's like... | ||
| Two miles up hills, that's a lot. | ||
| He's great for the rest of the day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The rest of the day, he's like, hey man, what's up? | ||
| He's just chill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's the best. | |
| He's such a good dog, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love Golden Retrievers. | ||
| They're so good. | ||
| Yeah, they are great dogs. | ||
| They're so food-oriented, though. | ||
| Sometimes to the point where being annoying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So is my lab. | ||
| Yeah, labs are too. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| Just a lot of dogs are like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If they're active, they're hungry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Their metabolism is quick and they want to eat and they just, yeah. | ||
| The good news is they're really easy to train with food because they love food so much. | ||
| Just give them like little treats and like he's, this dog that I have, Marshall, he's the best I've ever had as far as like listening to sit and stay and lie down and stuff like that. | ||
| And when I go running with him, I don't worry about him. | ||
| He stays close to me. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| He runs, and then he's ahead of me, and I go, hey man, slow down, and he'll just stop. | ||
| He'll wait for me, and then I'll come up to him, and then he'll start running again. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| I've never taken her off leash like that, and I feel like it'd be a blast. | ||
| The only thing I worry about is rattlesnakes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's an issue. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I don't think he knows exactly what a rattlesnake is. | ||
| I bet the instinct would kick in. | ||
| If you didn't get surprised by it. | ||
| The instincts I'm worried about are the wrong ones, which are to get close. | ||
| Oh, you think? | ||
| And get bit. | ||
| Don't you think they'd be like all in ancient DNA of hearing that rattle? | ||
| I've had three dogs that were bit by rattlesnakes. | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they went after it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of them got bit. | ||
| I brought him to the doctor, and I'm like, I think he got bit by a rattlesnake. | ||
| And the veterinarian's like, oh, you're going to play music? | ||
| I'm going to play the sad music. | ||
| And the veterinarian, they're fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He lived. | |
| But the veterinarian was like, everything seems okay. | ||
| I'm like, I don't know, man. | ||
| I'm pretty sure the snake got him. | ||
| And he goes, well, you know, if he's acting funny later, let me know. | ||
| So I bring him home. | ||
| Hour later, his face swells up like a fucking basketball. | ||
|
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|
I'm like, shit. | |
| It just took a while for it to kick in. | ||
| And I thought I was doing the right thing by getting him to the vet in time. | ||
| I'm like, I'm going to just get him there right away. | ||
| Just throw him in the car. | ||
| Beat the clock. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And it took a while for the vet him to sink into his face. | ||
| How long? | ||
| It took over an hour because I was at the veterinarian's office. | ||
| He got bit. | ||
| I had him there within 35, 40 minutes. | ||
| And then the vet's looking at him. | ||
| He's like, I don't see any marks. | ||
| I don't see any blood. | ||
| There's no clear... | ||
| He might have got mist or the thing might not have gotten any venom in him. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Maybe he got lucky. | ||
| So I take him home. | ||
| His face is like... | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| Their face wells up. | ||
| Oh, it's brutal. | ||
| Yeah, and then it costs thousands of dollars. | ||
| It's very expensive. | ||
| What do they have to do? | ||
| They use anti-venom. | ||
| It's really expensive. | ||
| Just to inject that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| It's thousands of dollars? | ||
| Yeah, which is really bad for people that are poor. | ||
| You know, if you don't have any money to pay for that and your dog gets bit, it's a fucking tremendous stress. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Would they survive? | ||
| I mean, if it's that dose? | ||
| Some dogs survive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Some dogs survive, some dogs don't. | ||
| Yeah, but some dogs die from it, for sure. | ||
| Oh, that's a bummer. | ||
| It's really bad for them. | ||
| I don't have a place to run my dog like that. | ||
| We've got, like, all streets around us, so it's like... | ||
| Yeah, you've got to drive him somewhere, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Take him to Runyon Canyon or something. | ||
| Can you take him off leash in those places? | ||
| It's not... | ||
| The problem is you never know what kind of dogs you're going to run into. | ||
| Or coyotes. | ||
| Or angry moms. | ||
| Yeah, that's true too. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of people like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, if you can go places that are less populated, those are the best for off-leash type activities. | ||
| She would be so happy. | ||
| She's a lab too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sweet dogs. | ||
| Wants to run. | ||
| And they're not like the kind of dogs, it's not like you're taking a Presa Canario, 120 pound demon dog and letting that thing loose. | ||
| No, she's sweet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Demon dog. | ||
| What was the name of that dog? | ||
| Presa Canario. | ||
| You've never seen one of those? | ||
| They're tanks. | ||
| They're this huge, fucking muscular looking... | ||
| Presa Canario? | ||
| There's a guy who's breeding some that I know. | ||
| He's making these brindle ones. | ||
| They look so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're like the ultimate guard dog. | ||
| With a dinosaur beak? | ||
| The size of that thing. | ||
| Oh, it's like a mastiff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Super aggressive. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, great. | |
| Look at that black one above it. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Great. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here, man. | ||
| Look at those shoulders. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| He's going to fuck you with that big dick, too. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Giant horse dick he's got between his doggy legs. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Look at that face on that thing. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Are these around? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| They're real. | ||
| They're not dinosaurs. | ||
| They have these? | ||
| Like, people have these at home? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I know some people who have them. | ||
| My friend Mark has two of them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That is scary. | ||
| It's an enormous dog. | ||
| They're apparently very good, loyal watchdogs. | ||
| Oh, they are? | ||
| They're nice to the family? | ||
| Well, it's all in who breeds them. | ||
| Look at the one where the dog's on a leash pulling. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Like, a fucking build on that thing. | ||
| Just low. | ||
| What a nightmare if that was chasing after you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. | |
| What do you do when a dog comes at you and wants to bite you? | ||
| Just punch it? | ||
| Give him your arm. | ||
| If you know a dog's gonna attack you, if you know for sure, if you have the time, you feed him your arm and stab the shit out of him while he's grabbing your arm. | ||
| You're fucking right in the neck. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| What if you don't have a weapon? | ||
| You're fucked. | ||
| Why don't you carry a weapon? | ||
| You should have a weapon, always. | ||
| You should always have a weapon. | ||
| Yes, you never know when you're gonna be attacked by a dog. | ||
| Do you have a weapon? | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Nice. | ||
| See, I told you. | ||
| You carry a lot of shit with me. | ||
| You get attacked by a goddamn dog. | ||
| That's a dog knife. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Coyotes, mountain lions. | ||
| What do you do when you fly? | ||
| You got to put it in your bag? | ||
| Your teeth, like a pirate. | ||
| Don't even check. | ||
| TSA pre. | ||
| No, I don't bring it with me when I travel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just was opening boxes today. | |
| I'm only kidding. | ||
| Oh, you don't carry that all the time? | ||
| I'm an asshole. | ||
| I had to open boxes. | ||
| Some people do. | ||
| Don't you think there's a lot of people out there next to you at the 7-Eleven that are carrying shit? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I know a guy who used to carry a gun on his ankle. | ||
| He might still do it. | ||
| I don't want to say his name, but he was a guy who used to fight for the UFC. He carried a gun, and he's huge. | ||
| He's a giant man. | ||
| He carried a gun on his ankle. | ||
| He carried one in the small of his back. | ||
| He carried a knife in his front pocket. | ||
| On both sides, he had two knives that he carried all the time, and he carried a shoulder holster. | ||
| Just to go to the store? | ||
| Everywhere he went. | ||
| Everywhere he went, he was locked and loaded. | ||
| Like, he was the wrong guy to fuck with in every single possible way. | ||
| 260 pounds, enormous, trained, black belt, UFC champion. | ||
| Loaded to the hilt, carrying knives and guns all over his persona. | ||
| The cool part about that, which I always like in the movies, is when you're done with your day and you're just unloading all that stuff on your dresser. | ||
| Clank, clank, clank. | ||
| Just taking the strap off, taking that thing off. | ||
| That always seems... | ||
| I love that part of being a man, of just having all the stuff you gotta unload. | ||
| To then go to like Beyond Keys and Wallet to be like... | ||
| Gun, machete, other gun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brass knuckles. | |
| Yeah, right, exactly. | ||
| Does anybody carry brass knuckles anymore? | ||
| Are those out? | ||
| They mustn't, maybe. | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| Yeah, it's not a thing anymore. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| I wonder if those are legal. | ||
| Like, that was something you'd hear about when we were kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, they got brass knuckles! | ||
| I guess because Bugs Bunny had them. | ||
| That's the only place we were hearing stuff was as children. | ||
| You don't hear about brass knuckles at all anymore. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now words are what hurt. | ||
| Get you some brass knuckles, see? | ||
|
unidentified
|
People hurt with words. | |
| Words are violence. | ||
| Give me some brass knuckles, see? | ||
| Yeah, the old days, see? | ||
| Yeah, the old days, see? | ||
| Why'd they talk like that back then, see? | ||
| Because that's the way they spoke back then, see? | ||
| You had that coffee just sitting there for the longest time. | ||
| It's still hot. | ||
| You didn't pour it. | ||
| No, I had a bunch. | ||
| You had a little bit of it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love coffee. | ||
| You do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Addicted. | ||
| Brennan Schaub told me that he drinks 12 cups of coffee a day and that he's been throwing up a lot lately. | ||
| And it's because of the coffee. | ||
| Because of all the acid in his stomach, yeah. | ||
| But does coffee give you acid? | ||
| Is that what it does? | ||
| Yeah, it's acidic. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Put in the beans? | ||
| I guess. | ||
| And that fucks with your stomach? | ||
| Yeah, if you're drinking how many? | ||
| 12? | ||
| Apparently, yeah. | ||
| I was drinking 12 cups of coffee a day. | ||
| Yeah, that's an addiction. | ||
| Can I play some music for him? | ||
| For his stomach? | ||
| That's a big time addiction. | ||
|
unidentified
|
12 cups a day can make you throw up. | |
| Coffee is highly acidic. | ||
| And it can stimulate the hyper-section secretion of gastric acids. | ||
| Decaffeinated coffee has been shown to increase acidity to a greater degree than either regular coffee or caffeine alone. | ||
| So decaffeinated coffee is more acidic than anything. | ||
| Both caffeine and coffee stimulate gastric acid secretion and decaffeinated coffee raises serum gastrin levels. | ||
| Ew, that's disgusting. | ||
| Back to your wine guy. | ||
| Yeah, let's find a guy. | ||
| Let's hook up with a guy. | ||
| Well, I do know one guy, Maynard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maynard. | |
| Maynard Keenan from Tool. | ||
| He's a friend of mine. | ||
| He's actually in town. | ||
| He has a vineyard. | ||
| He has a real vineyard in Arizona. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| It's not in California. | ||
| He makes great wine. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, well he's an artist. | ||
| He's a weird motherfucker. | ||
| Super, super smart guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And makes wine the same way he makes music. | ||
| They made a Tool album and one of the songs was they wrote a song to the Fibonacci sequence. | ||
| Uh huh. | ||
| What did you just pull up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He wrote a song to the Fibonacci sequence. | ||
| What's the Fibonacci sequence? | ||
| The Fibonacci sequence is a mathematical sequence. | ||
| The way it works is it goes like zero. | ||
| The next number is 1, and the next number is 2, and then 2 plus 1, which is 3, and then it keeps going like in this mathematical progression, and that's how they had the chord progression. | ||
| They had the chord progression link up to the Fibonacci sequence. | ||
| Just for fun? | ||
| Because he's a fucking maniac. | ||
| But that same sort of attention to detail and obsessing on the intricacies of things, he's applied that to his wine. | ||
| His wine's amazing. | ||
| Is it really good? | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| What's the label? | ||
| Caduceus Vineyards. | ||
| Caduceus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he has an Osteria, too. | ||
| He has a small restaurant. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jeez. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| This sounds good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think he gave me the flu of that fuck. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Oh, that's where the flu came from? | ||
| He told me he just got over the flu. | ||
| I'm like, oh, you shithead. | ||
| Oh, thanks. | ||
| Because I was hanging out with him in Vegas, and I think that's right when I started to catch it. | ||
| And then I had a little bit of a cough, and then it got a little worse. | ||
| And then I really did myself in in the sauna. | ||
| I cranked the sauna up to 210 degrees. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Which is apparently too hot for people. | ||
| How high are you supposed to go? | ||
| 176 to like 190's apparently what people like. | ||
| And you went 220? | ||
| I was at 210 for about an hour. | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| Not an hour, but... | ||
| How long do you stay in there? | ||
| I was in 210 for at least 20 minutes. | ||
| 15? | ||
| 15 minutes? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I don't know how long I did it at 210. How long are you supposed to stay in? | ||
| Because I opened the door a bunch of times. | ||
| To get the right benefits, you're supposed to 20 minutes at 176 degrees at least twice a week is what they recommend. | ||
| But if you can get to four times a week, you're a lot better off. | ||
| What's the main thing it does for you? | ||
| It increases a bunch of different things. | ||
| First of all, it makes your body produce something called heat shock proteins, which radically reduce inflammation. | ||
| Similar in a lot of ways to cold shock proteins that you would get from cryogenic chamber treatments. | ||
| Can I ask a question? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Why is inflammation, why is anti-inflammatory, why is it bad to be inflamed? | ||
| I mean, I know it sounds kind of... | ||
| That's the root of almost all diseases. | ||
| It is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Big cause of a lot. | ||
| Well, that was one of the things about this study. | ||
| I think it was a Norwegian study. | ||
| On the sauna, they showed a decrease in mortality, a 40% decrease in mortality amongst all causes of From people that use the sauna, I think three times or four times a week. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, meaning 40% decrease in stroke, heart attack, all these different various factors. | ||
| And they think that that's attributed to the heat shock proteins. | ||
| Dr. Rhonda Patrick. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, she's the one who got me into it. | ||
| She's a frequent guest on the podcast and super genius. | ||
| She came to a show of mine in San Francisco. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did she? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| She's the coolest. | ||
| She's very cool. | ||
| We were just talking about she was on the Kardashians. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, Jamie was telling me. | ||
| What's she doing on the Kardashians? | ||
| That doesn't make sense. | ||
| Teaching them how not to be inflamed. | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| Like, your lips are inflamed. | ||
| Are you sure you're not eating anything weird? | ||
| Your breasts are inflamed. | ||
| What's going on with your butt? | ||
| Your butt is inflamed. | ||
| Are you guys not getting in the sauna? | ||
| If Kim Kardashian got in the sauna, she'd probably start sweating. | ||
| Like when you bathe something. | ||
| Like if you have a slow cook pork roast or something like that. | ||
| Just all juicy. | ||
| You see those beads of juice come popping on top of it. | ||
| Just putting a tray under her to catch the drippings. | ||
| Yeah, because you think about all that. | ||
| The squeezins. | ||
| All that fat that they pull out of the sides and then suck into the butt, right? | ||
| And they pump that stuff in the butt to make the butt extra big, and then you put that butt in the oven, and that'll just get juicy. | ||
| That's good eatin's. | ||
| That's good eatin's there. | ||
| I'll tell you what, that is some good eatin's right there. | ||
| Yeah, boil it down. | ||
| So the heat proteins... | ||
| Heat shock proteins, yeah. | ||
| Cytokines. | ||
| Help you with inflammation. | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| It helps your body fight off inflammation. | ||
| And it does it in a natural way instead of like non-steroidal anti-inflammatories like ibuprofen, things along those lines which are really bad for your gut health, really bad for your... | ||
| They say that ibuprofen should be taken rare, rarely if ever. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it's apparently terrible for your body, can cause strokes, and it also is really bad for your gut flora. | ||
| I had a buddy, my friend Cameron Haynes is an ultra-marathon runner. | ||
| He runs these crazy 200-plus miles and these nutty fucking things. | ||
| Those are insane. | ||
| And he was taking ibuprofen on a daily basis. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For his joints and stuff? | ||
| Got off of it after he listened to the Rhonda Patrick podcast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And all of his joint pain went away. | ||
| And his joint pain was literally being caused. | ||
| He thought it was being caused by all his running. | ||
| It was being caused by his taking of the non-steroidal anti-inflammatories, which increased his body's inflammation levels. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yes, which is crazy because it damages your gut bacteria because it's fucking poison. | ||
| He's taking 800 milligrams of this shit every day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Your body freaks out. | ||
| I was telling him, like, dude, you're significantly increasing your risk of stroke. | ||
| And I sent him all these studies and findings on ibuprofen. | ||
| So he stops. | ||
| He gets off of it. | ||
| All of his joint pain goes away. | ||
| No. | ||
| Literally, it was causing joint pain. | ||
| So how is your gut connected to? | ||
| Inflammation. | ||
| Inflammation. | ||
| Which is one of the reasons why people tell you not to eat bread. | ||
| It's why people tell you not to eat sugar. | ||
| Fine carbohydrates cause inflammation. | ||
| One of the ways they cause it is through the gut leakage. | ||
| And when we say inflamed, what is inflamed? | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Let's pull that up in a way that I can describe it. | ||
| I have an article right now that's about what is inflammation. | ||
| What is inflammation? | ||
| I'm sorry if you're going over stuff you always go over. | ||
| No, everything you need to know about inflammation. | ||
| Inflammation is a defense mechanism in the body. | ||
| The immune system recognizes damaged cells. | ||
| Oh, these fucking pop-ups! | ||
| Get out of there! | ||
| You cunts with the pop-up ass. | ||
| - Come on! - The immune system recognizes damaged cells, irritants and pathogens, and it begins the healing process. | ||
| When something harmful or irritating affects a part of your body, there's a biological response to try to remove it. | ||
| The signs and symptoms of inflammation can be uncomfortable but are to show that the body is trying to heal itself. | ||
| So, if you're in a constant state of inflammation because you're constantly taking in foods that your body is reacting to in a very adverse way. | ||
| That is what causes a lot of diseases in people. | ||
| And it also causes your body to... | ||
| You're feeding certain aspects of gut bacteria that are just not healthy. | ||
| So the body is actually the same way they would fight a disease is fighting these foods that come in. | ||
| Or these medicines or whatever. | ||
| These foreign things. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| A big thing with foods. | ||
| A big thing with alcohol. | ||
| You see people with puffy faces. | ||
| Yeah, they get permanently puffed up. | ||
| They're just all fucking inflamed. | ||
| Everything's inflamed. | ||
| Their gut sticks out. | ||
| Their gut's inflamed. | ||
| And is it your cells? | ||
| Is it your arteries? | ||
| Everything's just kind of... | ||
| Go back to that article. | ||
| Puffed up with fluid? | ||
| Yeah, okay. | ||
| Chronic inflammation can eventually cause several diseases and conditions including some cancers and rheumatoid arthritis. | ||
| Infections, wounds, and any kind of tissue would not be able to heal itself without an inflammatory response. | ||
| So inflammation is a part of the body's immune system. | ||
| So what you're doing is you're in a constant state of damage. | ||
| When you're eating shitty food all the time. | ||
| So if you're constantly eating sugar and drinking sodas and fucking corn syrup and all that whole shit. | ||
| You're putting these weird chemicals in your body and your body's freaking out. | ||
| So they're not making a distinction between inflammation that comes from a bruising or an injury where your body's trying to heal itself versus something that's happening internally from your consumption of shitty foods. | ||
| But there's so many inflammatory-causing foods that people eat on a daily basis, and we just think of it as food. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pizza. | ||
| Pizza's delicious, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking full of inflammation-causing bullshit. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Well, first of all, the bread, which is unfortunately what you make. | ||
| But I think that your bread is sourdough bread, which is different because sourdough bread apparently has less complex glutens in it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I have friends that have gluten issues that can eat my bread. | ||
| Not to excess, but it doesn't bother them the way they process bread. | ||
| There's something about sourdough bread that is different. | ||
| No commercial yeast. | ||
| The gluten structure is a little weaker. | ||
| Well, there's a great documentary that I've watched recently called What's With Wheat? | ||
| And it was all about how they changed wheat to make higher yield wheat, which you could grow more wheat in a shorter area and have a higher yield, and that the glutens in that wheat are much more dense and complex than the natural wheat that we used to eat 150 plus years ago. | ||
| This bread that you're going to eat comes from this great mill in Utah that is pure It's organic, small crops, so you won't have a problem with this. | ||
| So it's like heirloom wheat? | ||
| Is that what they call it? | ||
| I didn't even know that was a thing until Maynard also told me about that. | ||
| They use heirloom wheat in his pasta that he makes in his pasta. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| It's easier for people to digest. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a little more expensive and a little harder to get, but it makes a difference. | ||
| And the flavor is so much better. | ||
| Yeah, I've been buying pasta when I rarely eat pasta, but if I do eat it, I buy it from Italy, and they have heirloom pasta in Italy, and just, you don't feel as fucking gross after you eat it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That brick. | ||
| Yeah, that punch in the gut. | ||
| That just fucking, like you ate a bag of rocks. | ||
| So what is the, so the sauna, if you're eating all this stuff, Probably help. | ||
| And you're putting in there and you're... | ||
| It would help, but you're also dealing with your gut biome. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're forcing your body to... | ||
| You're eating foods that are going to encourage the growth of certain types of gut bacteria. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That live off of sugars and live off of... | ||
| A friend of mine got the gastro surgery, and she was diabetic, and she had the gastro thing done, and her diabetes leveled out. | ||
| And she said it was, the doctor says, because of the bacteria, because of something that they did in taking something out. | ||
| Does this make sense at all? | ||
| Yeah, she probably had a terrible diet. | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| Which is also probably one of the reasons why she was so big. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, there's different kinds of bacteria. | ||
| There's different types of diabetes, right? | ||
| There's diabetes that is caused entirely by diet, and there's diabetes that is genetic. | ||
| And the type of diabetes that is caused by diet is reversible. | ||
| It happens with a lot of people that wind up going on, you know, calorie-restricted diets and reduce the amount of sugar they take in. | ||
| Dean Del Rey. | ||
| Dean Del Rey was pre-diabetic. | ||
| Yeah, he went to a doctor and he had a real candy problem. | ||
| He's eating candy constantly. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just hooked on sugar. | ||
| Yeah, and you talk to him now, he's like, sugar's the fucking devil, man! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sugar's the devil! | ||
| He dropped a lot of weight. | ||
| He dropped a lot of weight and got really fit. | ||
| Yeah, he looks great. | ||
| He's at the gym all the time now. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, he looks very healthy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, Dean's never looked better. | ||
| No, man, I don't eat that. | ||
| Yeah, he's like, sugar's the fucking devil, man! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's not wrong. | ||
| No, he's not wrong at all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, sugar's great every now and then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, a little treat. | |
| It's like a lot of things. | ||
| A little treat, you know, have a little tiramisu after a nice meal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's what he used to look like. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, look, he looks inflamed. | ||
| That face looks inflamed. | ||
| Look at that thing right there. | ||
| It says, people ask me, how do I do it? | ||
| How do you not get tempted to eat sugar? | ||
| I keep photos like this around the house to constantly remind me, never again, fat Dean, fuck sugar, hashtag eat healthy. | ||
| See, that's inspiration right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, well, yeah, you got a picture of yourself when you're almost dying of a disease. | ||
| It's very, very common for people to eat too much sugar for long periods of time and then go to a doctor and the doctor tells them you have diabetes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's very common, and especially in America. | ||
| Totally brought on just by your diet. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Your body's just freaking out. | ||
| You're constantly making it processed sugar. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your insulin's jacked up, spiked all the time, and everything's fucking haywiring your system, and your body's like, hey, shithead. | ||
| Stop with the Skittles. | ||
| You're not supposed to eat like this, you dumb fuck. | ||
| You lardass. | ||
| What about intermittent fasting? | ||
| I do that. | ||
| You do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I kind of like this idea. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Yeah, I eat for 10 hours a day. | ||
| And some people say you should do 8 hours. | ||
| Oh, every day? | ||
| Yeah, every day. | ||
| Well, I take a couple days off a week. | ||
| Well, the Jimmy Kimmel, the Jimmy Kimmel, Jimmy wouldn't eat on, he would eat like 500 calories on Monday and Thursday. | ||
| And just like real... | ||
| Fasting, basically, on those days. | ||
| And then eat whatever he wanted on the other days. | ||
| And that's how he lost all of his weight. | ||
| So for two days a week, he eats a severely restricted amount of calories. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the rest of the week, he can eat whatever he wants? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That seems crazy. | ||
| Does that seem crazy? | ||
| He said it's tricking your body into tricking your body. | ||
| And so the metabolism was like kicking in and I don't know what the specifics were. | ||
| But that's what he did when he dropped all that weight. | ||
| He wasn't exercising and that's what he did. | ||
| Mondays and Thursdays. | ||
| Why wasn't he exercising? | ||
| He hates it. | ||
| Now he exercises and is fit that way and doesn't restrict his calories as much because he's physically doing something. | ||
| But I like the idea of not eating a day. | ||
| That whole, when people say I hate exercise, it's like people saying I hate brushing my teeth. | ||
| Like, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Just what are you, a baby? | ||
| I hate exercise. | ||
| I don't want to brush my teeth. | ||
| Wait. | ||
| I hate it. | ||
| It's annoying. | ||
| That's back to the couch. | ||
| I gotta breathe heavy. | ||
| You just fucking do it. | ||
| There's a lot of shit you don't like to do. | ||
| It's like, I don't want to write. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, how the fuck do you expect the jokes to come? | |
| You big baby. | ||
| I don't like writing. | ||
| I like it just to come into my head. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Come on, ideas! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just make your way into my head! | |
| I want muscles from a pill! | ||
| You sound like, what's his name? | ||
| Who just died? | ||
| The comedian. | ||
| You're a crazy person! | ||
| Oh, John Panette? | ||
| Oh, Kevin Meaney. | ||
| Kevin Meaney, the great Kevin Meaney. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How did Kevin die? | |
| What did he die from? | ||
| I think his heart. | ||
| He was just on his laptop in his living room. | ||
| He just had a hard time? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| God, he was funny. | ||
| But he would wind up like you were just doing. | ||
| Like a crazy person. | ||
| I don't want to work out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not right. | |
| That's not right. | ||
| We're big pants people. | ||
| Dude, I saw Kevin Meany in 1988. He is so funny. | ||
| Me and my friend Diane DeRosa. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| She was a friend of mine from high school. | ||
| Italian girl. | ||
| Yeah, we went to see him at Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge. | ||
| And this is like... | ||
| I think maybe I had done an open mic night or maybe I hadn't even gone on stage yet. | ||
| But I went to see him and I paid to see him. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| And he crushed so hard that it was unimaginable to me. | ||
| I couldn't imagine someone could be that funny. | ||
| So funny! | ||
| Because he was in his prime then, and it was a, you know, maybe 180, 200 seat room, you know? | ||
| Just killing. | ||
| Little ceiling. | ||
| Just pow. | ||
| And he's on fire. | ||
| No escape. | ||
| Oh, he was on fire. | ||
| Smashing. | ||
| That's not right! | ||
| That's not right! | ||
| And then he would... | ||
| I'm open for him like at Caroline's when I was first starting and just watching him just like destroy. | ||
| And then he breaks into that coffee song. | ||
| Remember when he would do the coffee song? | ||
| This like Sinatra song? | ||
| All the coffee in Brazil or something like that. | ||
| He just jumped. | ||
| He's just killing talking about it. | ||
| And then all of a sudden he's doing this musical number. | ||
| Like Sinatra's. | ||
| He was just so comfortable. | ||
| All the coffee in Brazil, I think. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| He was just so comfortable he could do whatever he wanted to. | ||
| He was so funny. | ||
| He hit that spot. | ||
| There's a spot that some comedians can hit. | ||
| The fucking bow tie. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He doesn't care. | |
| I don't care. | ||
| This is his first Tonight Show, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't care! | |
| I don't care! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up! | |
| I don't care! | ||
| You'd have to be there to see it. | ||
| And also, you'd have to be there in 1988 to realize how crazy what he was doing was. | ||
| It was so weird. | ||
| But he got stuck. | ||
| He got stuck. | ||
| He went from being a fucking murderer on top of the world, killing in every place, But he got stuck with his act, where he had the same act for the longest time, and that act didn't work anymore. | ||
| Well, this is back to what I was talking about, about taking your eye off the ball and doing other things. | ||
| He started doing Uncle Buck, he started doing some movies, and then, you know, at that time, those people weren't so conscious that you had to keep your act alive. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And, you know, you take five years off the road and then try and come back. | ||
| It's not easily done. | ||
| No. | ||
| Did he take that much time off the road? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm just ballparking. | ||
| But I mean, you know his interests were other places at that time. | ||
| He was doing TV shows and doing all that other stuff. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| You don't progress because you're not just in it doing that stand-up all the time. | ||
| Well, everyone was told back then, in particular, that you had to do something else. | ||
| That stand-up was a vehicle that got you to the big game. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the big game was a television show. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or a movie. | ||
| Like, when I got news radio, one of the producers of news radio said to me, like, why are you still doing stand-up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're an actor now. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| Like, you're on TV. I was like, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I remember thinking like, oh my god, I gotta get to a comedy club right now before this makes any sense. | ||
| I know. | ||
| The fuck are you talking about? | ||
| I mean, the way we think is you do that stuff so more people come to see your show so you can keep doing your shows. | ||
| That's why you do that stuff. | ||
| It's not the other way around. | ||
| But that generation saw it as... | ||
| The stand-up was not something that you... | ||
| But also, to be fair, they didn't have theater shows and other avenues weren't kind of carved out where they could see stand-up as being a special thing. | ||
| They were just in these hard-ass clubs doing six shows a weekend. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| They were like, get me out of here. | ||
| When did theater shows start kicking in for people? | ||
| For the main, for like, just regular good comics, not, you know, fairly recently. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like when? | |
| Who else was doing theaters before, like, you know, in those days? | ||
| Well, there was always... | ||
| Kevin Meaney, if Kevin Meaney was peaking now, he would be running off and starting to do theater shows. | ||
| But back then, it was just comedy clubs, and then... | ||
| Television? | ||
| Yeah, but some people did big places because I saw people in big places. | ||
| Like what kind of places? | ||
| Like, uh, there was theaters. | ||
| There was definitely rock clubs. | ||
| There was some of it, but there wasn't like an active touring. | ||
| When was the first time? | ||
| Man, I'm trying to remember the first time I did a theater. | ||
| Not that long ago, I bet. | ||
| Mmm, shit. | ||
| It wasn't like part of the touring business. | ||
| I mean, you had guys that were big that were doing it, but it wasn't like, you know, you couldn't have a guy that, instead of headlining at a club, could just go off and do a little theater. | ||
| It was different. | ||
| They were like... | ||
| Comedy was, you know... | ||
| It was also a slump. | ||
| All the clubs were closing down. | ||
| So you think like 10 years? | ||
| 20 years? | ||
| How many? | ||
| 15 years ago that started happening? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that sounds about right. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Sounds about right. | ||
| There was a slump, right? | ||
| There was a comedy slump. | ||
| Yeah, when I started in 93... | ||
| Comedy had fallen on its ass. | ||
| Oh, you started right when it hit. | ||
| Right at the end of it. | ||
| Because I started at the tail end of the boom. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The boom was like 84, and I started in 88. Okay. | ||
| And when I started, it's like people are like, oh, you started about four years too late, kid. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| But there was still plenty of work. | ||
| Yeah, there was a lot. | ||
| But it was all clubs. | ||
| At 93, it was over. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Did you get discouraged? | ||
| No, because it was good for me because... | ||
| Everybody's quitting. | ||
| Yeah, everyone was quitting. | ||
| And I was there. | ||
| I was working for free. | ||
| I wasn't looking to make money. | ||
| I was just doing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So all of a sudden, I was able to just... | ||
| If you had a car and would drive the headliner to a club, you could get on stage. | ||
| Well, there was also this weird attitude that some people would have that, like, they were getting screwed. | ||
| Because the work was going away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like you were getting screwed. | ||
| And I remember thinking like, wow, what a foolish way of looking at things that is, that you are personally getting screwed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because this entire industry was oversaturated with a bunch of hacks. | ||
| Hacks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Real hacks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Someone was talking about, is there going to be a bust now? | ||
| Because there's been so much comedy out there and stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not a dearth of shitty comedy now. | ||
| No. | ||
| There's a lot of comedy, but it's a lot of good comedy that's progressing and moving forward. | ||
| The art form is booming. | ||
| There's a lot of different voices. | ||
| There's a lot going on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a bust back then for a reason. | ||
| People had 40 minutes of material, and they just pounded people with it relentlessly. | ||
| And they never wrote. | ||
| And they never wrote anything else. | ||
| No, it was shitty. | ||
| Yeah, and there was a lot of these formula guys that would go, you know, they would just have some fucking, like, really obvious premise, and they would work it like a comedian would say! | ||
|
unidentified
|
They had a way of talking like a comedian. | |
| What is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom playing out in my kitchen? | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And it was really funny for a while. | ||
| Something's happening now where French comics are getting exposed for stealing American comedy verbatim and translating to French. | ||
| And there was a video that came out today that showed Dave Chappelle and then some French comic ripping him off. | ||
| Jerry Seinfeld and then some French comic ripping him off. | ||
| And not just ripping him off, but ripping him off with the same hand motions. | ||
| Doing his act in French. | ||
| Just doing his acting French. | ||
| As if they were the only human beings who spoke both English and French. | ||
| This was something that we had heard about forever from the Montreal Comedy Festival. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| Yeah, because the Montreal Comedy Festival, not the people that performed there, but we would perform in Montreal and we would talk to guys who were comics that spoke English and French. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And a lot of the guys that spoke French, sometimes they would tell you they did French shows. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I go, oh, what's that like? | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Like, you do French shows and English shows? | ||
| And they go, it's interesting, but there's a bunch of comics that are famous only in the French-speaking world of touring comedy. | ||
| And they just steal from American comics and just say their stuff in French. | ||
| I go, no. | ||
| They're like, oh yeah, it's blatant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And there's a handful of comedians that were making a living, touring for years, just stealing everybody's shit. | ||
| I love how they steal from the biggest guys. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, literally, this is... | ||
| Wow, they're getting a guy from 2004. So they're going back. | ||
| This is like hashtag me too. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| Copy comic mix. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 85 or 86 to 2005. Well, that's Gad. | ||
| Do you know him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How do you know him? | ||
| They call him the Jerry Seinfeld of France. | ||
| Well, he took that shit literally. | ||
| He's good friends with Jerry. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Well, stealing Jerry's shit. | ||
| Oh man. | ||
| Yeah, it's interesting. | ||
| And they're using hashtag copycomic and hashtag copycomicmix. | ||
| I wonder if this is like French-speaking comedians who don't do this, who are like, enough is enough, you fucks. | ||
| And they're mad and they're coming out with all this. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| There is a real thing. | ||
| I was thinking the other day, I heard you talking with, I think it was Neil. | ||
| Brennan? | ||
| Yeah, and you were talking about Jenny. | ||
| Richard Jenny, yeah. | ||
| Who I love Jenny too. | ||
| One of the greats. | ||
| Most underrated comedian of all time, I think. | ||
| So great. | ||
| But when you listen to his stuff, it is very much of the time. | ||
| I think all comedy is very much of the time. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It really, like even our stuff from 15 years ago is of that moment. | ||
| And you listen to Jenny and he's... | ||
| He's so funny, but he's definitely of that ear. | ||
| If I were to try and turn my 15-year-old on to him, it wouldn't fly. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think if you made your 15-year-old listen to a steaming pile of me... | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 15-year-old boy or a girl? | ||
| Parts of it, girl. | ||
| Parts of it. | ||
| And this isn't a knock. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's just comedy is very much of the give and take of the culture and what's happening. | ||
| And some stuff holds up and some stuff because Richard is the first guy to do the lobster in a tank thing. | ||
| See, but he wasn't even. | ||
| He wasn't even. | ||
| There was a guy in Boston that was doing it even before him. | ||
| It was a guy named Don Gavin who had a fucking hilarious bit about a lobster in a tank. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Don Gavin's like the king. | ||
| He was a monster. | ||
| A monster. | ||
| But see, what happens is... | ||
| He breaks that. | ||
| He breaks that code. | ||
| He comes up with that bit. | ||
| And then 15 years later, we've seen shades of it. | ||
| So then by the time my kid hears it, it's like, oh, that old thing. | ||
| And they don't realize at that moment when Don Gavin comes up with that on his way into the club. | ||
| It's genius. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, yeah, for sure. | ||
| And a bunch of people had similar premises back then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a bunch of bits about game shows. | ||
| There was a bunch of bits. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There was a lot of different bits that people just had their own take on these individual things. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Gavin was so funny. | ||
| Oh, he was a monster. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's one of those guys that never left Boston, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Boston was a dirty mistress. | ||
| She fucking kept you around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crushed your dreams. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was so good there that they stayed. | ||
| Stayed. | ||
| And had long careers, though, right? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| But they should have been monsters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Don Gavin should be, in my opinion, he should be right up there with all the greats. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| People should know him the same way they know Robin Williams and all these other stand-up comics that are huge. | ||
| Maybe even bigger. | ||
| Such a natural. | ||
| Such a natural. | ||
| So good. | ||
| Especially at the time. | ||
| Oh my god, in 88 when I first started. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| He would show up, half-cocked, drink in hand, go on stage, and just crush to the point where you couldn't believe how good his timing was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he had that fucking Boston way of talking about things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That Irish kind of... | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| On a vacation, I went to Puerto Rico. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| But fucking... | ||
| So many Puerto Ricans. | ||
| I don't even know how they afford it. | ||
| It's so expensive. | ||
| Hey, I'm a vegetarian. | ||
| I eat meat and shit, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like the timing of it. | |
| Everything was a throwaway, and every tag was a throwaway to another tag. | ||
| You were laughing at shit you couldn't believe you were hearing. | ||
| So brilliant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then it really becomes, you know, there's certain stuff. | ||
| Like, I'll see, like, the old... | ||
| I was watching old Jack Benny on YouTube. | ||
| And some of it really is as funny as sitcoms that are out today. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, some of it nails it. | ||
| But most of it is... | ||
| Like I said, it just kind of dates itself. | ||
| I was watching an ad for these Jackie Gleason DVDs. | ||
| So I guess Jackie Gleason had a show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't know you had a show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And The Honeymooners was a part of that show. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| It was like a bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A sketch. | |
| It was like a sketch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it was a variety show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're playing this ad for a DVD for the variety show. | ||
| So my wife walks into the kitchen. | ||
| I'm watching this on TV. She goes, what the fuck are you watching? | ||
| And I'm like, look at this. | ||
| This is like a time machine. | ||
| You get to watch what people thought was amazing in 1960 or whatever this was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| Killer. | ||
| The Jackie Gleason Show. | ||
| The Jackie Gleason Show. | ||
| Look at all the characters. | ||
| Yeah, and look, there's the Honeymooners at the bottom. | ||
| Joe the Bartender. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Fenwick Babbitt. | ||
| Reggie Van Gleason III. What the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, just doing a whole bunch of characters. | ||
| They called him the greatest. | ||
| He called himself the greatest. | ||
| CBS TV. The best. | ||
| Wow, how weird. | ||
| Yeah, that was his show, 8 to 9 o'clock on Saturdays. | ||
| Brought to you by Schick. | ||
| And they all smoked. | ||
| And Clarets. | ||
| See if you can find a clip from it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, the best. | |
| It's so weird to watch, man. | ||
| They all smoked. | ||
| They were constantly smoking while they were on the set. | ||
| They would light up and they're doing their sketches and they had a cigarette in their hand while they were doing sketches. | ||
| A lot of them were sponsored by the cigarettes. | ||
| Oh, that makes sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Jack Benny Show, they would stop and just start talking about it. | ||
| Due to the nature of the rare kinescope recordings utilized in this tape, picture quality will vary in comparison to modern video technology. | ||
| However, because of the historical significance of the subject matter, they are included. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
| This is it, man. | ||
| This is the beginning of television comedy. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Look at what it looks like. | ||
| American scene. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It's basically a poster. | ||
| You're just pushing it on a poster. | ||
| Does it say what year this is, Jamie? | ||
| 52? | ||
| 62. 62. So this is right around the time where he was in The Hustler. | ||
| Oh man, was that the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| Look at that giant pack of Marlboro cigarettes. | ||
| Wow, what does she say? | ||
| Back it up a little bit so I can hear what she said about Marlboro. | ||
| Give me some volume and back it up. | ||
| The music. | ||
| It's so great. | ||
| I love this stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
New York City, the entertainment capital of the world. | |
| Marlboro cigarettes. | ||
| You get a lot to like with a Marlboro. | ||
| And Lester Cream shampoo now in cream, lotion, and liquid. | ||
| I bet those gals would love to come back and do some fucking Me Too speeches. | ||
| Imagine what kind of Me Too shit was happening back then. | ||
| Those were cave people. | ||
| Art Carney was with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Played Norton. | ||
| In front of a live audience. | ||
| Boy, there was nothing to look forward to back then. | ||
| I mean, you'd get laid a couple of times, and then before you know it, your wife was pregnant and you had a bunch of kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you're just paying your bills. | ||
| Give me a goddamn laugh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| These gals running around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just... | |
| Yeah, you'd have a little, uh... | ||
| This was showbiz. | ||
| I mean, this came from, you know, how you did a show. | ||
| Now, no disrespect, but do you think Jackie Gleason got to bang any of these chicks? | ||
| Absolutely! | ||
| 62? | ||
| In 62, right? | ||
| I'm the greatest! | ||
| But, I mean, he probably could barely get it up. | ||
| He was chain-smoking. | ||
| Chain-smoking. | ||
| Drinking. | ||
| Big drinker. | ||
| Hammered all the time. | ||
| Big time drinker. | ||
| And by this time, he was probably deep into his 40s, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He was probably grossly unhealthy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How funny was... | ||
| So, 62. How old do you think Jackie Gleason was in 62? | ||
| Here he comes. | ||
| Here you go. | ||
| Look at that face. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He was the greatest. | ||
| It certainly was an original, right? | ||
| Oh man, yeah. | ||
| Didn't give a fuck. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Energy. | ||
| Pinky ring. | ||
| Let me hear some monologues. | ||
| He's getting laughs. | ||
| He hasn't opened his mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got 38 more weeks to go. | |
| Imagine 38 weeks of this. | ||
| Your coffee, Mr. Gleason. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| How sweet it is. | ||
| It takes a sip and she walks away. | ||
| Probably a sponsor. | ||
| That was the joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ladies and gentlemen, we've got a long show. | |
| We want to get it all in. | ||
| So, Sam, a little traveling music. | ||
| And he dances. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| There was no hip replacements back then. | ||
| Wow, this is so weird. | ||
| You had to dance, you had to sing, you had to tell jokes. | ||
| But it's weird to watch. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| Wouldn't you love to go back in time and bang some hot lady from 1962? | ||
| I bet it was just different back then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was wild. | ||
| When was birth control? | ||
| When did birth control come out? | ||
| 60s. | ||
| So I feel like that's where people changed. | ||
| What they are. | ||
| Because back then, there was this mad desire, right? | ||
| But there was also insane consequences. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you had sex with someone, you're like, oh, we might have a kid! | ||
| We might have a person! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This drive, this pull, this cyclone of lust that leads you to this one person. | ||
| Ramifications. | ||
| Not just ramifications, but life-changing, life-altering results and consequences, right? | ||
| Then the pill comes and you have the sexual revolution. | ||
| People started banging everywhere. | ||
| Women were in control of their own destiny. | ||
| Yeah, but just changed what it means to have sex. | ||
| It became this weirdness. | ||
| It became for pleasure. | ||
| It wasn't just to, yeah. | ||
| I mean, it was always for pleasure, but yeah. | ||
| It was always for pleasure, but the odds of that pleasure biting you in the ass. | ||
| Like, people must have just... | ||
| Assumed you're going to have a few babies mamas by the time you get to a certain age. | ||
| Right? | ||
| But as a woman, if you had a baby out of wedlock, you were ostracized. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You were seen as, you know, bad news. | ||
| That is crazy, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You were seen. | ||
| The guy wasn't... | ||
| It was nothing. | ||
| No reflection on him. | ||
| He wasn't even in the picture. | ||
| She's just like a whore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| What a shit deal for women that is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty bad. | ||
| Yeah, but there's some people that argue that the pill and that changing the nature of sexual intercourse changed the way women interact with men, which changed the way women sort of like view themselves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that this is not necessarily all positive. | ||
| I always found that to be a confusing argument. | ||
| I don't follow. | ||
| The argument being that it's natural for a woman to be very selective about who she has sex with. | ||
| And that it's natural for a woman to want a guy who's going to shit together and all these different factors in place before she allows the man to procreate with her. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The pill comes along and then all of a sudden women could just have one night stands and they could be like the chicks from Sex and the City and just bang up a storm and have no consequences. | ||
| Like a guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But this led to a deeply unfulfilling narrative that a lot of women sort of found themselves repeating. | ||
| It's a very tortured conversation because I'm not a woman. | ||
| Because I don't know what their actual design is. | ||
| No, but that also can be said of men. | ||
| I mean, just that scenario. | ||
| Just to have sex, just to keep banging and have no emotional connection. | ||
| I know guy friends that end up in a very lonely place because of that, you know? | ||
| Well, think of this way, right? | ||
| If you're 20, and that's the case. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody's like, ah, he's having a good time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you're 60. Yeah. | ||
| And that's the case. | ||
| Like, ah, that poor bastard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| All he does is get hookers and brings them back to his mansion. | ||
| Yeah, it seems. | ||
| They do coke and they dance. | ||
| It's like, do you remember- They do coke and they dance. | ||
| I love the picture of a 60-year-old guy just- Dancing in a lonely place with one girl. | ||
| I picture, like, Jack Nicholson with his hair all fucked up, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A whole bed-handed. | ||
| Psychedelic furs playing. | ||
| Love my life. | ||
| With a robe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a new robe. | |
| Yeah, here we go. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| Oh, it's that fucking old dude in Italy, Gianluca Vacci. | ||
| Yeah, that guy's hilarious. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Do you know who this guy is? | ||
| No, he's in good shape. | ||
| Well, he got rid of that gal and got a couple more since then. | ||
| But he's 50 years old, and he's like the super millionaire, and he makes these videos of him and girls dancing on yachts and shit. | ||
| But he's got, like, weird tattoos. | ||
| Like, he's got an ankle bracelet tattoo. | ||
| Like, he's got writing around his ankle that he apparently, like, taped over. | ||
| So then he wears, like, ankle bracelets to cover the fact that he's got this weird ankle, like, writing tattoo. | ||
| How old is this guy? | ||
| He's 50. He's in great shape. | ||
| He's in pretty good shape. | ||
| Oh, dude, his Instagram is hilarious. | ||
| His feed is all, like, him dancing. | ||
| And doing weird shit. | ||
| But he's got like writing all over his body and tattoos. | ||
| He's a very strange character. | ||
| That is a strange cat. | ||
| But he's become, from these videos, this enormous social media celebrity type character. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Gianluca Vacci. | ||
| Gianluca Vacci. | ||
| Party man. | ||
| He's like the most interesting man in the world. | ||
| He's a DJ, too. | ||
| He does, like, international DJ stuff. | ||
| So he flies around his private jet all over the world. | ||
| Of course he does. | ||
| Probably banging tens, doing coke, dancing. | ||
| Sad existence. | ||
| But is he happy? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Look at those girls. | ||
| How could you be happy? | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| It's like, how come that's sad if he's 50 and not sad if he's 20? | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Well, yeah, it's always your own shit. | ||
| It's your own projection. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| I mean, he seems like he's pretty heavy. | ||
| Looks like he's dancing and he's doing backflips into the water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There it is right there. | ||
| Yeah, he's got weird writing all over his body. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's also showing his dick root. | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| That's that weird thing that the young fellas do. | ||
| Yeah, you show the bones. | ||
| It's not a good look, the dick root look. | ||
| It's so gross. | ||
| It's like, I know what you're doing, man. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Look at the Captain America one. | ||
| Click on the Captain America one. | ||
| He tries too hard sometimes, and some of them are just really weird. | ||
| First of all, look how tan he is. | ||
| How he doesn't have skin cancer is fucking amazing. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, look at this. | |
| He's dancing like Captain America. | ||
| He's got a shield and a head thing on. | ||
| Meanwhile, 6,723,840 views. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| More people watch that than watch any hit movie this year. | ||
| That's so insane. | ||
| God! | ||
| You never know what's going to hit kids. | ||
| There's this fucking show that my seven-year-old loves. | ||
| And the show's called Haters Back Off. | ||
| And there's this girl named Miranda something or another. | ||
| She's a YouTube sensation. | ||
| Oh, Miranda Sings. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's a YouTube sensation for doing stuff really badly on purpose. | ||
| Pretending that she's killing it. | ||
| And she's got this Netflix show that I watched with them. | ||
| And the fucking show is not a bad show. | ||
| It's an interesting show. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's almost like a female Napoleon Dynamite type situation. | ||
| She's talented. | ||
| But my daughter, who's seven, loves it. | ||
| And she does a Miranda impression. | ||
| This, like, something hilarious about, like, whatever she's nailed. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| But some of the shows, like, she had this one about being famous and about, like, refreshing, like, constantly refreshing her page to find out how many likes and thumbs up and thumbs down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She got it. | |
| It was super depressing. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Because she was crying. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| And her mother's screaming at her and telling her how selfish she is. | ||
| And the whole thing is, like, it's really weird. | ||
| She just lives in Studio City. | ||
| She's just like a... | ||
| Actress in the valley. | ||
| She was. | ||
| She's balling out of control now. | ||
| She sells out everywhere. | ||
| She does live shows. | ||
| What kind of live shows? | ||
| She comes out and sings like Miranda and all these young girls just pack the place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Packs the place. | ||
| There's weird money in these things. | ||
| She's funny. | ||
| That's very Groucho Marx kind of old school. | ||
| She has these big cartoon lips. | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| She puts the lipstick all the way around on the outside of the lips. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My kids were imitating her for a while. | ||
| 6.5 million Instagram followers. | ||
| It's pictures of spaghetti in her butt and stuff. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| Her making weird faces. | ||
| You guys. | ||
| Meanwhile, she's nailing it with seven-year-olds. | ||
| She was sick from school yesterday. | ||
| She watched it all day. | ||
| She fucking loves it. | ||
| I was on the Tonight Show once with Miley Cyrus. | ||
| This was like, I don't know, eight years ago or something. | ||
| And she's so famous. | ||
| The point was she was just completely huge, you know. | ||
| And my kids came along because they wanted to meet her. | ||
| My kids were little. | ||
| I was like, wow, she's really nailing it. | ||
| She's huge in show business and stuff. | ||
| And then my kids come up, can we take a picture? | ||
| And she's like, yeah, okay. | ||
| And she had to squat down to take pictures with these two little people. | ||
| I was like, that's the price she has to pay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Taking pictures with little people? | ||
| Squatting down and taking pictures with little people. | ||
| It's bad for the lower back. | ||
| All the squatting and posing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We were talking about... | ||
| By the way, a bunch of people got mad because we were talking about that Logan Paul guy who had taken photos or videos with dead people. | ||
| Yeah, the suicide people. | ||
| People were mad at the way we were discussing the Logan Paul thing. | ||
| People were saying I defended him. | ||
| I don't think I defended him, did I? I don't think I did. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| We were high as fuck. | ||
| It was me and Red Band wearing NASA outfits. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Don't take it seriously, by the way. | ||
| I read into it more. | ||
| I didn't know exactly what he did, but I read into it more. | ||
| Apparently, he was mocking the bodies. | ||
| Their hands were bloated and blue, and he was making fun of it all. | ||
| Yeah, he's a bad guy, apparently. | ||
| He made a super cut of everything he did in Japan. | ||
| He did a bunch of other things on top of that, apparently, that we weren't aware of. | ||
| He's a creep. | ||
| He's trying to be outrageous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Trying to get attention. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| And it's working. | ||
| He's got a ton of people. | ||
| It's the same thing though, right? | ||
| It's like these people that you're like, what do they do? | ||
| How do they have... | ||
| He's got what? | ||
| And you find he's got how many millions of this and that? | ||
| No, exactly. | ||
| The guy's brother is the other one who lives next to a friend of mine. | ||
| Bought a $7 million house. | ||
| 20 years old. | ||
| Bought a $7 million house. | ||
| Yeah, killing it. | ||
| In Calabasas. | ||
| Killing it. | ||
| No, he's one of those people that, you know, love him and hate him equally. | ||
| But even the people that hate him still have to see what he's doing. | ||
| It's like that kind of thing. | ||
| Yeah, it's super confusing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Celebrity. | ||
| And he's outrageous, I guess. | ||
| I don't know anything about him. | ||
| It's also just access. | ||
| Everyone has access to YouTube. | ||
| So what YouTube is now is like a television show that you keep in your pocket. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can just constantly... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a video that I posted yesterday of... | ||
| Poor bastard. | ||
| This fucking guy raised a squirrel. | ||
| I saw that. | ||
| The cute little squirrel. | ||
| They rehabilitated it, and they got the little squirrel, and they said, hey little squirrel, everything's gonna be fine. | ||
| He's like putting it back into nature. | ||
| Hey, it's time. | ||
| It's about time, little guy. | ||
| And he puts the little squirrel on the tree, and he's like, you just, you go about your way. | ||
| Good luck, little fella. | ||
| This is where you live now. | ||
| And he's got the squirrel on the tree for all of 15 seconds and a cat comes along and jacks him with ridiculous speed and fury. | ||
| I'm gonna hear the volume. | ||
| This is my favorite part, the screaming. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop! | |
| Oh, that cat just... | ||
| That cat was on that fucker so fast. | ||
| The cat climbs up the tree, grabs him, and just takes off. | ||
| Just ran with him in his mouth. | ||
| And that's like you... | ||
| It's more than you doing that with a cat. | ||
| Like, if you had a cat in your mouth, the cat would be smaller in your mouth than that hamster or that squirrel would be. | ||
| That's how big the fucking cat is. | ||
| It's so wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Here it is. | ||
| Oh, bitch! | ||
| That's a wrap, son! | ||
| Almost a million people saw it. | ||
| Cats don't give a fuck. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| My cat's a killer. | ||
| Oh, dude, they're ruthless. | ||
| Ruthless. | ||
| Ruthless. | ||
| Just kills everything. | ||
| Anything they can. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you ever seen the numbers for how many things cats kill in North America? | ||
| No. | ||
| Billions of birds. | ||
| Billions. | ||
| Billions of mammals and billions of birds. | ||
| What's so gangster is they kill them and don't even eat them. | ||
| No. | ||
| They just kill them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just like the sport. | ||
| Food's easy. | ||
| Cats that live in the wild or indoor pets are allowed to roam outdoors kill between 1.4 billion to as many as 3.7 billion birds in the continental U.S. each year. | ||
| So there's a new study that escalates a decades-old debate over feline threat to native animals, and it shows this cute little cat with a bird in its mouth. | ||
| They're monsters. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just brings them and drops them in my kids' beds. | ||
| Look at this question people also ask. | ||
| Do cats kill birds? | ||
| I keep leaving my birds and they're dead. | ||
| Fluffy would never do that. | ||
| No. | ||
| Fluffy's a Sweeney. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fluffy... | |
| I didn't see a feather in its bowl. | ||
| My cat drops rodents in my children's hair while they sleep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no! | |
| That's so disgusting! | ||
| In her bed. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Dropped a rat in my daughter's bathroom. | ||
| It took a leak in her shower cap. | ||
| Really? | ||
| To mark his territory? | ||
| No, the rat was just scared shitless and we couldn't catch it. | ||
| It was like behind the toilet and stuff and we finally got it out and my daughter the next day goes to put on her shower cap and it's just filled with pee. | ||
| Rat pee? | ||
| Rat pee! | ||
| You can fucking die from that. | ||
| Disgusting. | ||
| Did you know that you can get leprosy from armadillos? | ||
| Of course I don't know that. | ||
| It's one of the few ways that a human can contract leprosy from an animal. | ||
| Leprosy is apparently 95% of us are immune to leprosy, but you can get leprosy from armadillo. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, so if you eat an armadillo, cook the shit out of it, folks. | ||
| Wear rubber gloves. | ||
| How armadillos can spread leprosy. | ||
| That's a dinosaur too, isn't it? | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Tank-like creatures are the only mammals besides us known to carry leprosy. | ||
| Oh my lord. | ||
| Yeah, apparently though, those things taste pretty good. | ||
| People eat armadillos. | ||
| They do? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They open them up and it's kind of a fatty meat and you grill it and people marinate it and grill it. | ||
| It's all in your head. | ||
| I mean, why is a lobster delicious and that thing's gross? | ||
| Because it walks on the road. | ||
| Because you see its beady eyes at night when you're driving to Vegas. | ||
| Okay, but why is a deer delicious then? | ||
| Because deer's walking the road too. | ||
| They're not as delicious. | ||
| Deer? | ||
| Yeah, I don't like deer so much. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| You like deer? | ||
| You're not cooking it right. | ||
| Yeah, probably not. | ||
| How come you're eating elk? | ||
| That's a deer. | ||
| I love that elk. | ||
| It's a giant elk. | ||
| A giant elk is a giant deer. | ||
| They taste different though. | ||
| In fairness, I haven't had deer in a long time and I didn't know how to cook. | ||
| Well, also it's how people take care of it is a big issue. | ||
| There's things called tarsal glands that exist on the deer's legs that are particularly active when they're horny, which is when a lot of times when you hunt them, which is called the rut. | ||
| And those tarsal glands, if they're not handled correctly while you're skinning the deer, you can leak some of that stuff on the meat and it'll greatly taint the way the meat tastes. | ||
| Oh, maybe I had some of that. | ||
| Yeah, there's that. | ||
| And then there's also people don't take care of it. | ||
| Like, for the moment they kill it. | ||
| Like, how long does it take before it's actually cooled down and dressed? | ||
| This was like in New Jersey. | ||
| I'm sure nothing was being done correctly. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| Nothing was done right. | ||
| That's where I was born. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trust me. | |
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| Nothing was done right there. | ||
| Born and raised. | ||
| I know exactly who killed it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And he's an idiot. | |
| What part of New Jersey were you born in? | ||
| I was born in Passaic. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, New Jersey deers are probably polluted too. | ||
| There's a ton of them. | ||
| A ton. | ||
| They're really, I mean, it's really, they're everywhere. | ||
| Well, New Jersey has an interesting situation now because the new governor has decided to stop bear hunting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| New Jersey has the highest population of brown bear per capita in the country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Geez. | ||
| New Jersey does. | ||
| Which people don't, that doesn't make sense to them. | ||
| Bears? | ||
| You're like, wait a minute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You say bear in New Jersey? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| New Jersey has enormous bear populations. | ||
| Huge. | ||
| And we were talking about it over the holidays. | ||
| My sister had a... | ||
| Her dog was going crazy at this woodpile, and my sister went and put a big tarp over it. | ||
| The next day, the dog's going crazy again at the woodpile. | ||
| And she's like, why is he going so nuts? | ||
| And she goes outside to get the dog, and a big-ass bear comes out from under the tarp. | ||
| Just in New Jersey just starts like coming out. | ||
| She was so thankful that she didn't just like poke her head under there. | ||
| Well, we've played videos these two giant bears battling it out in Far Rockaway where they tackle over each other and they slam into these garbage pails and garbage goes flying. | ||
| They knock over a mailbox and they go right out into traffic and fur is flying all over the place. | ||
| It's like a drunk fur. | ||
| Yeah, they're fighting for garbage. | ||
| They fight for access to these areas where these people drop their garbage off. | ||
| Like turf. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And this new governor, because Chris Christie is such a slob. | ||
| People hated him so much. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was the Republican, so they hired this ultra-liberal, social justice warrior-type new governor who's decided he has this ideological opposition to the bear hunt. | ||
| Even though the bear hunt in New Jersey is really strictly controlled by wildlife biologists, they've done it to try to keep the populations healthy. | ||
| And there was also the situation that happened in Rutgers a couple years ago where a kid was killed by a bear. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, one of the students. | ||
|
unidentified
|
At Rutgers? | |
| Yeah, at Rutgers. | ||
| Yeah, sad. | ||
| One of the students was wandering through the woods with his friends, and they got fucking attacked by a bear, and a bear killed one of the kids. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Took a picture of it before it killed him, too. | ||
| This happened at the Stress Factory? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right next door, in the parking lot. | |
| Vinnie Brand was there. | ||
| He had the phone and everything. | ||
| He was doing phone calls to the bear's den. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, we got your daughter down here. | |
| She's really drunk, sir. | ||
| So the wildlife biologists put a number, like, you know, the bears can be healthy and conflicts with people can be reduced if we have, you know, the bears reduced to a certain amount. | ||
| Like, it's not an issue of they're endangered. | ||
| Endangered, yeah. | ||
| They're not endangered in any way, shape, or form. | ||
| It's the opposite. | ||
| They're overabundant. | ||
| But this is a problem with people when it comes to bears, or what my friend Steve Rinella likes to call charismatic megafauna. | ||
| And that people look at animals and they anthropomorphize them and start thinking of them as being yogi and boo-boo and our little friends that live in the forest. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they don't realize, like, no, these are animals, man. | ||
| You can't have animals that are giant predators in close proximity to human beings without monitoring and having wildlife biologists, stoic creatures, We're good to go. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| And they did in British Columbia because... | ||
| They're not endangered? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
| There's a ton of them up there? | ||
| There's a ton of them. | ||
| Not only are they not endangered, but the people that voted on it are the people that live in Vancouver, where there are no grizzly bears. | ||
| But Vancouver, even though it's the population center of British Columbia, it's where all the people live, it's by no means representative of what most of British Columbia looks like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Most of British Columbia's woods and forests. | ||
| Those people have to deal with fucking grizzly bears. | ||
| Like real grizzly bears. | ||
| So they said they're not allowed to hunt them at all? | ||
| They're not allowed to hunt them anymore now. | ||
| Also, it's a big part of their economy because there's a lot of these people that made a living by guiding people on these grizzly bear hunts. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| And it's going to also devastate the economy when it comes to their moose and elk hunting populations, too. | ||
| Because a lot of people went there to moose hunt, elk hunt, and deer hunt, but the bears, if the populations are going to go up, the bears are going to start eating more moose and elk and deer. | ||
| So what's their reason? | ||
| Animal rights activists have infiltrated the government and these people that are like leaning left and have sort of a delusional perception of what wildlife is. | ||
| They've decided to push these laws through that people didn't vote on by the way. | ||
| This is not like something that was a giant statewide vote and people decided to end grizzly bear hunts. | ||
| Well what's crazy about the Jersey thing is that He just got in office, and the bear problem is this year it's been a problem. | ||
| That's while you're hunting. | ||
| Well, I think that people are doing it for the right reasons. | ||
| I think they're wrong, but they're doing it for the right reasons. | ||
| They're doing it because they think that hunting is cruel. | ||
| And they're doing it because they think that these are trophy hunts and that there's no merit to it. | ||
| But what they don't understand is you're probably going to have to hire people to kill these bears anyway, which is what we do in California. | ||
| In California, mountain lion hunting was outlawed in the 1990s, but since then they've spent millions of dollars killing mountain lions every year. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Not millions every year, but millions overall. | ||
| Like a crew to go get them? | ||
| Yeah, they send out professional hunters with dogs, usually, to go after problem mountain lions. | ||
| And the ones that they go after, almost all of them have pets in their stomach. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| That's what they eat. | ||
| Yeah, they eat dogs. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's a big part of their diet. | ||
| I mean, it's fucked up. | ||
| People are like, well, no, we're in their world. | ||
| Yes, but it's not their world anymore. | ||
| Just like it's not... | ||
| You know, this isn't where the fucking dinosaurs live either, stupid. | ||
| Yeah, we build homes all through here. | ||
| Shit changed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And right now, we live here, and I'm more concerned about us than I am with the goddamn mountain lions. | ||
| And they just ate fluffy. | ||
| Mountain lions just ate fluffy, you fuck. | ||
| Are there a lot of mountain lions? | ||
| Like, is the numbers big? | ||
| California has good numbers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My friend works at Tahone Ranch, and they have... | ||
| Tahone Ranch is just outside of Bakersfield, which is only about an hour and a half from here. | ||
| And they have what's called a trail camera that's posted out in front of a pond. | ||
| And out of this one pond, they got pictures of 16 different mountain lions. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Do you ever run into them when you go up on your runs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I've seen mountain lions twice in my life. | ||
| One I saw in Colorado and one I saw in Santa Barbara. | ||
| I saw one in Montecito in a car. | ||
| I was driving. | ||
| It was driving? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It had tunes on. | ||
| It was listening to Miley Cyrus. | ||
| I was in the car, and I saw this thing that I thought was a coyote. | ||
| It was running across the road, and I went, oh, look at its tail! | ||
| I saw this big, thick, bouncy tail, and I'm like, oh my god, it's a cat. | ||
| And I realized there was a mountain lion. | ||
| Geez. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| But I'm looking at something for a second, you know, two seconds maximum. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| It was like, boom, boom, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
| It's a cat. | ||
| What do you got, Jamie? | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ! | ||
| Wildlife camera catches uncollared mountain lion roaming the Hollywood hills. | ||
| Oh, my God! | ||
| That looks terrifying! | ||
| Look at the size of that fucker! | ||
| That is like, yeah, that's like from Africa. | ||
| And this is just a couple months ago. | ||
| It's October 31st. | ||
| That's right by Paulie Shore's house. | ||
| It is Pauly Shore. | ||
| Pauly Shore turns into that at night when no one's watching. | ||
| That's why all the lights go down. | ||
| That's why he's hardly working. | ||
| Most of the time he's just out there eating things. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's like something you'd see on safari. | ||
| That's a big one too, boy. | ||
| Look at the muscles in that fucker. | ||
| This is Halloween 2017. Yeah. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| That is a... | ||
| Uncollared mountain life. | ||
| Yeah, that means they don't even know where this one came from. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| I mean, that's the Hollywood Hills. | ||
| That's like right next to people's homes. | ||
| Well, I used to take my dog to a dog park up there. | ||
| A dog park that's off of Laurel. | ||
| There's a dog park at the top of Laurel, like right when you go down, if you're coming up over Studio City, right when you go down, there's a dog park out there, if you go to the right, and one of the, they had a big sign there that said, be on the lookout for mountain lions. | ||
| If mountain lions attack you, fight back. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What in the fuck am I looking at here? | ||
| Jeez. | ||
| I just want to go for a run. | ||
| I'm just here to, it's Hollywood! | ||
| I'm my dog! | ||
| I'm taking my dog to the park! | ||
| I just want to see some girls and throw the ball around. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And a lot of that is just because of our attitude about these animals. | ||
| And that's also why you see very few deer in California. | ||
| So there's like pros and cons, right? | ||
| The pro is you very rarely get in accidents with deer. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's so uncommon in California. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| And it's because of mountain lions. | ||
| I always figured they just weren't indigenous to the area. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| They're everywhere. | ||
| There used to be way more of them when I first moved here. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| When I moved... | ||
| I moved to the Valley in 94, and I see deer all the time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| I see them in the Hollywood Hills all the time. | ||
| I have never seen a deer here. | ||
| I saw them a couple days ago out in Thousand Oaks area. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they're very rare in California. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Anywhere else... | ||
| Like this, like if you're in Long Island, Long Island has a giant problem with deer. | ||
| They're everywhere. | ||
| They hire snipers to go take care of them. | ||
| They do. | ||
| They're all over New Jersey. | ||
| They're like a pest. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| It's like mosquitoes in a way. | ||
| And it's because they don't have any predators like mountain lions or coyotes. | ||
| Very few coyotes. | ||
| So the natural order is why we don't see them out here? | ||
| They've kind of got a point, and that point is you can let the mountain lions take care of the population, and then when the mountain lions come into a problem, when they become a problem, they can get something called a depredation permit, which a woman got in... | ||
| The Malibu Mountains, because she ran an alpaca farm, and one mountain lion killed, I think, 10 or 11 alpacas and a goat. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| In one session. | ||
| In one session? | ||
| And it was the same thing as we were talking about cats, with house cats. | ||
| They just killed it. | ||
| Didn't eat it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Just had a good old time. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Alpaca pen, couldn't help himself. | ||
| Still jacking all of them. | ||
| Jeez. | ||
| When this woman got a depredation permit to kill the mountain lion, she got a ton of death threats from people. | ||
| They were saying, you fucking bitch, I'll kill you. | ||
| You touch that cat. | ||
| And then she's like, fuck this. | ||
| I'm not doing anything. | ||
| She felt very exposed. | ||
| People knew where she were. | ||
| They knew where her farm was. | ||
| Geez. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's scary. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People get really nutty, man, when it comes to animals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They get a weird, like, but it's certain animals, right? | ||
| Like, these people have this weird thing about that squirrel, and then the cat came along, killed that fucking squirrel. | ||
| Guess what, bitch? | ||
| You've been feeding that cat! | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's yours! | ||
| You made that monster! | ||
| And you let that thing roam around outside, which is just you're asking for it to kill everything it runs into. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because that's what they do. | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's probably super charged up about it, too, because it gets to do it all the time. | ||
| And the pride in front of its family to do it for the family. | ||
| That's what they like the most. | ||
| Yeah, that cat did that in front of you because that's what he wants you to see. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Hey, look at me. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| It is weird. | ||
| Hey, I saw the tank. | ||
| You want to try it someday? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When do you want to try it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When can I? Well, we'll work something out. | |
| We'll come up with a time where you can come in. | ||
| I should have had you come in early today. | ||
| You could have done it before the podcast. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How long do you go in there? | ||
| I like to do at least an hour. | ||
| Last time I did it, just a couple days ago, I did two hours. | ||
| Just float in there for an hour? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, just climb in, relax. | ||
| Do you listen to music or silence? | ||
| I silent. | ||
| I do silence. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like it like that, yeah. | ||
| I'd like to try it. | ||
| Yeah, we'll do it next time, for sure. | ||
| That'd be cool. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| This facility is amazing. | ||
| It's pretty crazy, right? | ||
| It's so great. | ||
| I figure, fuck it. | ||
| Why not, right? | ||
| It's so great. | ||
| To me, it was one of those things where I was like, alright, if I could just do whatever I wanted to do, what would I do? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then I go, wait a minute. | ||
| I think I can do whatever I want to do. | ||
| Like, I should just do it. | ||
| It's really great. | ||
| Jamie sold me a gym membership. | ||
| I'm going to start working at it. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know. | ||
| Did you get a key fob? | ||
| The gym equipment actually comes this week. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| It's like a gym. | ||
| Can I have an apartment? | ||
| Well, it'll be a real gym next week because Rogue Athletics is outfitting it like a real gym. | ||
| There's going to be a rowing machine. | ||
| There's going to be an Airdyne bike. | ||
| There's going to be a squat cage and a full range of kettlebells and fucking steel plates and all that jazz. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| They're doing the whole thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck it. | |
| Look at this. | ||
| This is awesome. | ||
| Well, you can go to the gym and get annoyed, or you could just work out here. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just come on by. | ||
| What's the sauna? | ||
| Could you put the sauna in a house? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You could? | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Yeah, if you have the room for it. | ||
| And they have varying sizes of saunas. | ||
| That's a pretty big one. | ||
| Yeah, that is pretty big. | ||
| Quite honestly, that one's too big for me. | ||
| I mean, I've only gone in by myself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you could have a couple people in there in that one. | ||
| So the idea of that one was, what was that room? | ||
| Was it like a closet before that we turned into a sauna? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We just decided, like, this is a spot, like, that wide. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay, put it there. | ||
| Can you get one that size? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| And apparently they make them all sorts of different sizes. | ||
| Oh, they do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it fit perfect. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| I've been dealing with tendinitis in my elbow, and it's really been kind of annoying. | ||
| Tendinitis is a weird one, man. | ||
| Have you ever gotten it before? | ||
| No. | ||
| I have what they call golfer's elbow. | ||
| It's the inside where tennis elbow is the outside. | ||
| It's been annoying me for a few months now, and it comes from overdoing chin-ups. | ||
| I was doing too many chin-ups. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| And I was being a meathead, where I was just pushing through. | ||
| It would start to annoy me, and I would just keep going. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| But one session in the sauna significantly reduced... | ||
| Like, the pain in it. | ||
| And then the second session did the same thing. | ||
| And then I did it again yesterday, and I'm like, I barely feel that tendonitis now. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So just getting the inflammation out? | ||
| Yeah, I think it just has an overall effect on inflammation throughout your whole body. | ||
| That's pretty cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You got a spare set of underwear? | ||
| You can climb in today. | ||
| I'm going in right after the show. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is this one, Jay? | |
| It's like a personal infrared. | ||
| These are like probably $1,500 I think or less. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh really? | |
| You just throw it in your house. | ||
| And they also make them where you lie down in them. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| They have one where you lie down in it like a suit. | ||
| And you zip it up, up to your neck. | ||
| Like, see that one with the blue down there, where that lady's lying down? | ||
| Let's keep going. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| Scroll down, scroll down. | ||
| That one with the blue. | ||
| Your cursor's right... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You climb in. | ||
| That's like the old... | ||
| That's like the old Brady Bunch kind of thing. | ||
| Yeah, but it heats up your body, and it's apparently really good for you. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You look like... | ||
| She looks like the blueberry in Willy Wonka. | ||
| That's her pussy. | ||
| Her pussy is... | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's on fire. | ||
| She's on fire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It looks... | |
| I like a nice sauna. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Hot. | ||
| I don't like the steam so much. | ||
| I think there's benefits to steam too, but the real benefit of the sauna is the fact that you can get to 176 degrees in the dry heat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your body can tolerate it. | ||
| But if you got to 176 degrees in steam, your fucking nipples would burn on fire. | ||
| Right? | ||
| You'd feel the wet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You'd basically be poaching yourself. | ||
| Right. | ||
| My friend really believes in the steam. | ||
| He's a big drinker, and he steams every morning, and it just all comes out of him. | ||
| Comes out of him. | ||
| Yeah, it's how I feel. | ||
| Please. | ||
| He's dying. | ||
| Those big drinkers, they all have different ways of managing the big drinking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just got to steam it out. | ||
| I'm alright. | ||
| I think sauna would probably help more if he could figure out a way to not... | ||
| I mean, I think he's probably getting some benefit from being in the steam. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I bet sauna would be even better for him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's, again, the same thing, reducing the inflammation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'd like to be less puffy from inflammation. | ||
| Russians love it. | ||
| Five-time champion Timo Koukonen had become adept at enduring the tournament's 110 degrees Celsius, 230 Fahrenheit heat, lasting over 16 minutes in 2003. But he died, didn't he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The next guy died. | |
| The guy he was competing against. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This is a competition, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| World Sauna Championships. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with people? | ||
| Yeah, come on. | ||
| I'm the very best at cooking myself, but not dying. | ||
| 16 minutes. | ||
| That's not long. | ||
| 230 degrees. | ||
| Let me tell you something, man. | ||
| I was at 210 degrees. | ||
| I can't even fucking imagine someone going 20 degrees hotter than that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, my nipples were hurting. | ||
| And I was like, why are my nipples so hard? | ||
| Why are they so sore? | ||
| Why did you do that? | ||
| I cranked it up, and then I came in here to do my ads. | ||
| And when I did the ads, I left it on too long. | ||
| It just got super hot. | ||
| It says that this one guy goes in for bursts of 130 to 140 degrees Celsius. | ||
| I just looked that up. | ||
| That's 284 degrees Fahrenheit. | ||
| Four-minute bursts. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| 280 degrees? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Four minute bursts. | ||
| So he's essentially doing like the opposite of the cryogenic chamber. | ||
| Right, it says you can get what's called hyperthermia if you do this in a bad way. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Heavy bathers in favor of the hottest temperatures always wear felt caps and slippers because the wooden surfaces tend to get very hot. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That sounds adorable. | ||
| I cook things. | ||
| A felt cap and slippers, they're going in like Robin Hood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But dude, I cook things at 250. Yeah. | |
| All the time. | ||
| No, yeah. | ||
| A lot of times when you cook like a potato, 150, pull it out of the oven. | ||
| I cook an elk steak. | ||
| I'll cook it at 250, and I put an internal thermometer in, and when it gets to 125 degrees, then I pull it, and I jack the temperature up, and I sear the outside. | ||
| It's time to eat. | ||
| 320! | ||
| It says 160 Fahrenheit is 320 for short spells. | ||
| 320 degrees! | ||
| So these people aren't, this is a whole nother psychosis. | ||
| This isn't about inflammation. | ||
| But isn't that just what people do? | ||
| Always. | ||
| You can't just leave it. | ||
| You can't just leave it. | ||
| You can't leave it alone. | ||
| We had a good thing going. | ||
| People that tattoo their eyeballs. | ||
| Yeah, why? | ||
| Oh, it wasn't good enough to write you only live once in your forehead. | ||
| You have to tattoo your eyeballs black. | ||
| He couldn't stop. | ||
| Yeah, you have to be like Toad from X-Men. | ||
| Why do you have to do that? | ||
| Why are you putting things on your eyeballs? | ||
| No one wants you to do that. | ||
| But people can't help it. | ||
| They can't leave things alone. | ||
| If they get one piercing in their face, they want to get cheek piercings and nose piercings. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Guy got his fucking eyeballs turned blue. | ||
| Like, you remember when you were a kid? | ||
| No one had their face tattooed. | ||
| Nobody! | ||
| No one. | ||
| And now, look at this, another one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Full eyeball tattoo. | ||
| Soulless, it says. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh yeah, you're soulless, bro. | ||
| Hey bro, you're soulless. | ||
| You got an umbrella like Mary Poppins on your cheek. | ||
| You stupid fuck. | ||
| He's got an umbrella on his cheek. | ||
| And what is that, a microphone over the top? | ||
| Is it a microphone or a razor blade? | ||
| What do you do when your kids start asking to do it? | ||
| Tattoos on their face? | ||
| Anywhere. | ||
| They say they want to be pierced, do they want to... | ||
| I have two full sleeves. | ||
| I would be a massive hypocrite if I told them not to get tattoos. | ||
| But I would definitely tell them, you really should think about the fact that you're going to keep the skin for the rest of your life. | ||
| If you want to get a tattoo, it should mean something. | ||
| Don't get anything done that's cheap. | ||
| Go to a real artist. | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, you can't control them, I guess. | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't think... | ||
| Not only do I think you can't control them, but I think if you try to control them, you're going to do the opposite. | ||
| Nose piercing? | ||
| Nose piercing seems easy. | ||
| You get it taken out, you put it back in, it's no big deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I would rather nose piercing than a forehead tattoo. | ||
| But they're so beautiful and pure! | ||
| Living la vida loca. | ||
| Right on your forehead. | ||
| Yeah, I think... | ||
| My young one was like... | ||
| I like a little nose, like the little dot in the nose kind of thing. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| Could be worse things in this life than that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It doesn't really make me that angry, but she's so perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Perfect. | |
| I get it. | ||
| Oh, don't do that. | ||
| People like decorating themselves, though. | ||
| Then we were buying something. | ||
| This was when we were in New York, and we were just walking around, and then I was buying something, and the woman at the register was... | ||
| Tons of piercings on her nose and her ears and, like, you know, like... | ||
| 50 on her ear. | ||
| And I said, I said, did the nose one, did your nose piercing hurt? | ||
| This is right off our conversation. | ||
| Oh, yes, it really did hurt. | ||
| It was so painful, and they had to do it twice, and then it got infected, and it was just a terrible thing. | ||
| I got staph and gangrene, and this isn't even my nose anymore. | ||
| I'm looking at my daughter like, see? | ||
| See what could happen? | ||
| She's like, I still want it. | ||
| No, you can't stop them. | ||
| People like decorating themselves. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's a weird thing. | ||
| I have a bad one. | ||
| I have three. | ||
| I have a really bad one on my leg. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| It's a wizard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You want to see it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll show you. | ||
| This is my first tattoo. | ||
| It was a guy in New Jersey. | ||
| Who made it? | ||
| I just picked it off the wall. | ||
| That one's rough. | ||
| Has it got a candy cane in his hand? | ||
| Well, the original one on the wall, he was watering a pot plant. | ||
| Hold on, let me get a picture. | ||
| He was watering a pot plant. | ||
| And I was like, I can't do that. | ||
| That's reckless. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| You know what's really funny? | ||
| Pull the microphone down so I can see your face here. | ||
| All right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here we go. | |
| Look at me, buddy. | ||
| You know what's really funny? | ||
| What? | ||
| So when we did this show for your buddy that helps the Congo Pygmies? | ||
| Justin. | ||
| Justin Wren. | ||
| Justin on the back of his book. | ||
| It's exactly my tattoo. | ||
| He's got that? | ||
| Him in a hat with his beard. | ||
| It all comes full circle. | ||
| I showed it to him that night when we did the show. | ||
| Did you freak out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He just sent me a text saying he's going to climb Mount Kilimanjaro. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I liked meeting that guy. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| That was the best part. | ||
| Oh, he's the best. | ||
| Isn't he one of the nicest guys of all time? | ||
| Love that guy. | ||
| I can't help but do things for him. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He's just a gem of a human being. | ||
| I just wanted to hang with him all night. | ||
| From this podcast, we've built more than 20 different wells in the Congo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They've built hundreds of wells there now. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Just because of this podcast alone, more than 20 wells were built there. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| He was such a good guy. | ||
| Just one of those people instantly just kind of... | ||
| You could tell. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a saint. | ||
| Legitimately like a saint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| His book is pretty great. | ||
| And he's a fucking cage fighter. | ||
| I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How does that even make sense? | |
| Couldn't be a nice guy. | ||
| No. | ||
| He was really cool. | ||
| I wish I had a picture of the book. | ||
| It literally is my shitty tattoo is him. | ||
| How many other ones you got? | ||
| I've got two more. | ||
| We've got one up here and one up here. | ||
| Those are good. | ||
| This was like a shitty spot for it too. | ||
| It was kind of like a coward wave on your calf. | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| There he is. | ||
| That's a picture! | ||
| That's my tattoo! | ||
| He's holding the thing. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a spear that he got from the pygmies and he's wearing a hat that they made out of leaves. | ||
| Justin looks like my shitty tattoo. | ||
| What's on your shoulders? | ||
| My wife's name is on here and over here is like this son with this quote from Walt Whitman on it. | ||
| These are the days that must happen to you. | ||
| From Ode to the Song of the Open Road by Walt Whitman. | ||
| These are the days that must happen to you. | ||
| These are the days that must happen to you. | ||
| You shall not gather riches you'll scatter with a lavish hand all that you earn and achieve. | ||
| You shall not settle in one place but will leave. | ||
| But we'll leave to the silent leers and laughing of those you leave behind. | ||
| Basically, go out. | ||
| These are the days that must happen to you. | ||
| Be fearless. | ||
| Go. | ||
| Go. | ||
| Just go. | ||
| Go. | ||
| Be fearless. | ||
| Don't stay in the harbor. | ||
| Don't stay in one place. | ||
| Don't stay in the harbor. | ||
| Go. | ||
| Do you keep touch with friends from back home? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've got a real tight group from grade school, high school. | ||
| Do some of them not... | ||
| Leave, not go anywhere, and you're around them and you get to see what that's like? | ||
| A little bit, yeah. | ||
| That's a weird way of living. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is a weird way of living. | ||
| And I get nostalgic sometimes because I go back to that same place, you know, where I was a kid. | ||
| And... | ||
| On the one hand, it seems like, you know, you could have made that choice. | ||
| You could stay and... | ||
| Easy. | ||
| Just stay there and be at the same spot and do the same thing. | ||
| And there's something very appealing and calm about it. | ||
| But it wasn't my nature. | ||
| I couldn't do it. | ||
| Yeah, there's always something appealing about something that other people are doing, though, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Like, you think about your own situations and the weirdness of your own existence, and you go, ah, wouldn't it be great if I was just a fucking cabinet maker in Belgium? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| That guy looks so happy. | ||
| He has his coffee in the morning, he just makes his cabinets. | ||
| He goes to the same cafe every evening and has a beer. | ||
| Yeah, and he's in bed at nine. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Him and his dog. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Sitting at the bar. | ||
| I love his cabinets. | ||
| Yeah, and he's like, oh, this is hell. | ||
| I wish I was telling jokes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Traveling around the world. | |
| You know, since I started baking this bread when I'm on the road, I'll go see these bakers. | ||
| Like, if there's someone really good in a town that I'm in and just go talk to them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's crazy. | |
| So bakers is like if you were a martial artist, you'd go train with somebody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I go and check out how they make their bread and see what they're doing. | ||
| So they let you in? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You go, hey, I'm Tom Papa. | ||
| I make a little sourdough. | ||
| Yeah, like, hey, you know, I'll tweet out that I'm going to come and then they'll bring me back. | ||
| And yeah, it's great. | ||
| So how do you find the good bakers in town? | ||
| Is there a website that you go to? | ||
| No, you just like, you know, through Instagram and stuff, you start to see the ones that you really like and who they follow. | ||
| And you just start to see, like, who's doing the same kind of a thing, you know. | ||
| Because it's a very natural way of doing it, so it's not just like a big commercial bakery that's just cranking stuff out. | ||
| There's people that are real artists that are doing this stuff all around the country, all around the world. | ||
| But it's funny because I'll come in and be all bright-eyed and This is amazing. | ||
| So you're a baker and you just come in here and bake this stuff. | ||
| I mean, how great is it that you feed the community and everyone really loves what you do and you put your heart and soul into it and they look at you like, I'm up at 2 o'clock every day. | ||
| So I'm in a living hell. | ||
| I have flour in my eyelashes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I can't stay up past eight. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's always the other thing. | ||
| Yeah, well, they have to get up early, right? | ||
| Yeah, man, because you walk in and want a sticky bun on your way to work. | ||
| At 7 o'clock? | ||
| Someone was up making that at 4. So it could be ready for you at 7. There's no way around that. | ||
| There's no way around that. | ||
| Someone has to make that shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those bagels? | ||
| Someone's in there cranking that out in the middle of the night. | ||
| There's a good little bakery down the street from here, in fact, that I don't... | ||
| I don't like to eat sweets very often, but they have these fucking chocolate croissants that are so ridiculous. | ||
| The pastry part is so buttery and flaky, and then the chocolate part is so rich. | ||
| So good. | ||
| I can't get coffee there, because if I get coffee there, I will get one of those fucking things, and I'll feel like shit. | ||
| I know. | ||
| An hour later, you're just like, what happened to me? | ||
| But while you're eating it, it's heaven. | ||
| It's just a rich chewiness. | ||
| There's a combination of the flaky, buttery pastry and the richness of the chocolate and the sweetness. | ||
| And then you're drinking your coffee at the same time. | ||
| You're like, this is perfect. | ||
| I don't need anything but this. | ||
| Fuck diabetes. | ||
| I'm not worried about diabetes. | ||
| I'm worried about life! | ||
| I want to live! | ||
| Yeah, that's living, man. | ||
| It is the good stuff. | ||
| It's not bad, man. | ||
| It's just, it's not good for you. | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| Anything in excess, right? | ||
| You know what I found, though? | ||
| A little treat once in a while. | ||
| Can I tell you something I found? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's a company called No Foods, K-N-O-W, and they make waffles, chocolate chip waffles, and they make syrup. | ||
| With low glycemic index, very little sugar in the waffle, very little sugar, and it tastes good. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| They come pre-made? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you put them in the toaster, they're frozen. | ||
| Like an Eggo kind of a thing? | ||
| Yeah, but they don't last very long, so you have to eat them. | ||
| You have to thaw them out and cook them pretty quickly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh, that looks good. | |
| 8 grams of fiber, 12 grams of protein, 4 grams net carbs. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| 4 grams? | ||
| That's right, bitch. | ||
| And I'm putting butter on those motherfuckers. | ||
| No way! | ||
| And then they have their own syrup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way! | |
| Their own syrup is very little as well. | ||
| Oh, that looks perfect. | ||
| Dude, I'm telling you, they got it nailed. | ||
| Who are these people? | ||
| Smart people that are healthy that figured out a way to make, look at that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You can eat that. | ||
| I had that yesterday. | ||
| Felt great. | ||
| Worked out afterwards. | ||
| Felt like a fucking champ. | ||
| Didn't feel shitty at all. | ||
| Like, look at that. | ||
| You feel like, there's no way I can eat that. | ||
| There's no way! | ||
| There's no way! | ||
| Do you gotta get them online? | ||
| Or do you get them in a store? | ||
| I ordered them online. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they're very nice. | ||
| They found out that I like them. | ||
| They sent me a box of shit. | ||
| What a treat! | ||
| We have some of their cookies here, too. | ||
| Try one of their cookies before you leave. | ||
| Tom Papa needs some of those. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| There's some stuff that you can eat that people have figured out how to do. | ||
| Those are the stores, places where they sell them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| There's a bunch of places where people have figured out how to make food that tastes really good that doesn't fuck you up. | ||
| Yes, of course. | ||
| But let's be honest. | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| The United States of America! | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Doesn't taste as good as that chocolate croissant. | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| It just doesn't. | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| It tastes damn good. | ||
| But you could have that four times a week, probably. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could have it every day. | ||
| But there's something about knowing that you're eating shit. | ||
| And you're like, I don't care! | ||
| No. | ||
| It's part of the thrill. | ||
| The thrill, the joy during the holidays. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| When we had Christmas cookies on the counter for like two straight weeks. | ||
| Just walking through, eating them like chips. | ||
| Like, I don't care. | ||
| It's Christmas cookie time. | ||
| That's heaven. | ||
| You know what I had the other night? | ||
| It's a good time. | ||
| I had pumpkin pie with Cool Whip. | ||
| Pumpkin pie with Cool Whip. | ||
| No one's even pretending Cool Whip's good for you. | ||
| No! | ||
| It's not even whipped cream. | ||
| No one even knows what the fuck Cool Whip's made out of. | ||
| They're not even pretending it's a food. | ||
| It's just like some weird fucking thick stuff that's white. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's good. | ||
| Where'd the pumpkin pie come from? | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| I didn't even ask. | ||
| It was at my mother-in-law's house. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| I didn't even ask a goddamn question. | ||
| I just wolfed that fucker down. | ||
| There's something about warm pumpkin pie, too. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| Pumpkin pies. | ||
| So I fasted yesterday. | ||
| I didn't eat anything, really. | ||
| The whole day? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had a little broccoli. | ||
| I had some water. | ||
| Coffee? | ||
| Coffee. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had probably four cups of coffee. | ||
| And I didn't feel bad. | ||
| I felt pretty good. | ||
| When I woke up this morning, I was starving. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, once your body, if you can figure out how to do it for 45 hours, 48 hours, your body will kick into a state of burning fat. | ||
| Body will kick into a state of ketosis. | ||
| 48 hours straight? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It depends on the person. | ||
| Some people it's quicker, depending on if you're fat adapted, it's even quicker than that. | ||
| But I know when I'm in that state because my appetite kind of goes away. | ||
| Yeah, that's what was weird. | ||
| I was like, why aren't I starving right now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's one good thing about when I was sick the last few days. | ||
| I hardly ate anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I looked really sexy. | ||
| I was looking slim. | ||
| Look at myself in the mirror. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, damn. | |
| Snot coming down. | ||
| I'm looking ripped. | ||
| I'm gaunt. | ||
| My cheeks are sucked in. | ||
| My eyeballs are dark. | ||
| You can't breathe. | ||
| I'm getting thin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sucks. | |
| It's funny. | ||
| There's something that girls do that guys never do. | ||
| They do this pose where they look at you like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Photos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| They like have their butt facing you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here's my ass. | |
| Yeah, my ass and my face. | ||
| When did that start happening? | ||
| At the same time. | ||
| There was no photos like that from the fucking 70s and the 80s. | ||
| People just looked at you. | ||
| We weren't wasting... | ||
| With no film, they had a chance to come up with that. | ||
| Children. | ||
| Fucking grown-ass children. | ||
| Look at my ass. | ||
| Yeah, something about turning sideways. | ||
| I know, it's so creepy. | ||
| Turning sideways and showing their butt and looking over their shoulder. | ||
| Like, hold on. | ||
| You know you're taking a picture, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you chose to stand in some super illogical way where your ass is facing the camera, not your face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you're looking over your shoulder. | ||
| This is how you chose to take a picture. | ||
| This is so crazy! | ||
| It is completely insane. | ||
| But it's super common! | ||
| Yeah, kids do it. | ||
| Kids pose that way. | ||
| Like this gal. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's common. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, 11 simple poses that will make you look more attractive. | ||
| Oh, that's good. | ||
| Click on that link, please. | ||
| I need to learn these. | ||
| Yeah, I need this. | ||
| I want to look more attractive. | ||
| I do, too. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Turn your torso or the body from the waist instead of turning your neck. | ||
| I turn my neck. | ||
| I look at you like this. | ||
| I stand. | ||
| This is how I look. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Like that? | ||
| That's so sexy. | ||
| Stunning. | ||
| I like to just turn my neck. | ||
| And I do it quick, too, like this. | ||
| I just saw some shit. | ||
| I'm definitely turning my torso. | ||
| Don't stand straight. | ||
| No. | ||
| Create some space in your posture by keeping your hand... | ||
| On your waist. | ||
| On your waist. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Etcetera. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Look how skinny she looks. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I think the girl on the right looks great. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| I won't find an issue with that. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Fingers should be properly visible when you place your hands on the waist. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Don't hide your hands. | ||
| Show your hands. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Does that make you look better? | ||
| No. | ||
| The girl on the left just looks fucking better, stupid. | ||
| That girl on the left is hot as the sun. | ||
| Nobody gives a fuck if she even has hands. | ||
| Cross your legs or standing in a way that will make them look angular and create space in the posture of the lower body. | ||
| That girl needs a sandwich. | ||
| I'm not into that. | ||
| Always lean towards the camera instead of away from it. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I do. | ||
| I lean towards the camera. | ||
| Like, hello. | ||
| I think I'm like this. | ||
| This is like fucking rules. | ||
| They work. | ||
| Keep your arms away from your body when your arm is properly visible in the photo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Keep it not like this, but like this. | ||
| You don't want a terrible website. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like this. | |
| You say it's terrible. | ||
| I'm getting great advice. | ||
| You fuck off, Jamie. | ||
| We're going to look amazing. | ||
| How about when you take selfies? | ||
| I can't get a good selfie. | ||
| Life depends on it. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Tilt your head forward a bit to look sharp and slimmer. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I want to look sharp. | ||
| Dude, how about sharp? | ||
| I want to look sharp. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| Now just show me your ass at the same time and you got something. | ||
| It's like yoga. | ||
| You're doing yoga at the same time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Don't slouch and sit, but create angles when you're sitting. | ||
| It's all about angles. | ||
| Look at that girl's back. | ||
| How is she even doing that? | ||
| It's all about angles. | ||
| She's like the exorcist. | ||
| I should have been doing this during the podcast the whole time. | ||
| What's the next one? | ||
| Don't sprawl your legs while sitting on the ground. | ||
| Oh, see, so she touches the knees together. | ||
| Don't sprawl. | ||
| Don't sprawl your legs. | ||
| Listen, honey, you can do whatever you want. | ||
| Don't masturbate while we're trying to take a picture of you. | ||
| We didn't say that. | ||
| That girl's beautiful. | ||
| She can do whatever the fuck she wants with her legs. | ||
| No one's going to complain. | ||
| She can have them legs, like, fully spread wide, and people are like, uh, hey, you want to get some coffee or something? | ||
| Do you want to take over my company? | ||
| Lower your forehead a bit. | ||
| And make up your mind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And look up. | |
| Do I lean forward? | ||
| Lower your forehead. | ||
| Or do I lower my forehead? | ||
| Then I'm not leaning forward anymore. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Look up a little to make your eyes look even bigger and more expressive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Oh. | ||
| Okay, no. | ||
| That girl's hot as fuck. | ||
| This is preposterous. | ||
| That girl would look hot no matter what she did. | ||
| Yeah, just be hotter. | ||
| Yeah, be hotter. | ||
| Always put weight on the back leg while posing. | ||
| And hence. | ||
| Oh, and hence. | ||
| Creating an angular pose. | ||
| And hence. | ||
| That girl's like, but she looks like she's saying, what the fuck did you ask me to do? | ||
| Okay, what? | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| That is not part of my job description. | ||
| That is not what I was hired for. | ||
| And I'm barefoot. | ||
| For fucking some strange reason. | ||
| I'm barefoot and angry looking. | ||
| What did you say, white man? | ||
| You white motherfucker. | ||
| I was reading a thing yesterday that had sleep patterns of successful people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Richard Branson, Bill Gates, people like that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Obama. | ||
| Most of them, six hours of sleep a night. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Most between like the 12, 1 o'clock to like 6, 7 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| I think there's a balance between productivity and health. | ||
| And if you want to get more done, I would say that's probably the way to go. | ||
| But I don't think those people are pillars of health. | ||
| For fitness and people who exercise really hard and really tax your body... | ||
| You need more. | ||
| I think you need eight. | ||
| You need eight? | ||
| I do eight. | ||
| You do eight? | ||
| I feel way better when I get eight. | ||
| Yeah, six does not seem like a lot. | ||
| Is this all the different people? | ||
| Nikola Tesla got two? | ||
| Yeah, but he's too busy banging pigeons. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| He was banging pigeons? | ||
| He was a super genius who was in love with a pigeon. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I never heard that. | ||
| He had a love affair with a pigeon. | ||
| Winston Churchill got like 100 hours of sleep at night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Da Vinci. | |
| He was just drunk all the time. | ||
| Trying to zoom in a little. | ||
| Are those dots mean hours? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's when they slept. | |
| He slept every four hours, like a 20-minute nap. | ||
| Thomas Edison did something similar, too. | ||
| Da Vinci did that? | ||
| Yeah, those little blue lines are when they were sleeping over the day. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And Winston Churchill just slept like a bear? | ||
| Because he was drunk. | ||
| He drank like crazy. | ||
| Richard Branson seems like he's getting, does that say six? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Six. | |
| Yeah, 12 to 6. That sounds kind of reasonable. | ||
| Yeah, that's reasonable. | ||
| But 6 is early to get up for me. | ||
| Well, if he's one of those get shit done. | ||
| Donald Trump, three hours. | ||
| Yeah, 1 to 4. 1 to 4? | ||
| 1 to 4. Come on, that's not real. | ||
| That can't be true. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| But he's on speed. | ||
| One to four. | ||
| You know, that was the speculation about Trump from an article that was posted a while back was that he had a prescription for amphetamines in like the 90s. | ||
| And someone had prescribed him. | ||
| See where you can find that. | ||
| Trump prescribed speed for diet. | ||
| And he stayed on it for like eight years. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's been my... | ||
| When you talk to people that love Adderall and those sort of things, that you become incredibly productive when you're on that stuff. | ||
| And if you're one of those people that gets used to being incredibly productive on that stuff, Like, eliminating that is very hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See, 1993, Harry Hunt's unauthorized biography on Trump, Lost Tycoon, corroborated the rumors, and went one step further. | ||
| The diet drugs, which Trump took in pill form, not only curved his appetite, but gave him a feeling of euphoria and unlimited energy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| The medical literature warned that some potentially dangerous side effect could result from long-term usage that included anxiety, insomnia, and delusions of grandeur. | ||
| What? | ||
| According to several Trump organization insiders, Donald exhibited all these ominous symptoms of diet drug use and then some. | ||
| The supposed drug Trump took back then was tenuit Dospan, a drug with speed-like effects that's not unlike dexedrine. | ||
| These rumors say Trump stopped seeing Dr. Greenberg decades ago, but according to one source, to our source, the Donald Trump of today is on a diet drug called Phentermine. | ||
| And has been since at least April of 2014. He does not look like he's on a diet. | ||
| Fen-Fen. | ||
| He's on Fen-Fen. | ||
| Fen-Termine first gained notoriety in the U.S. under the name Fen-Fen. | ||
| A miracle combination of Fen-Termine and Fen-Fen. | ||
| Fenfluramine, another established anti-obesity drug. | ||
| The only problem was that patients taking the drug began reporting damage to their hearts and lungs. | ||
| Apparently the combination destroyed patients' body's ability to regulate the amount of serotonin. | ||
| Phentermine on its own, however, is still prescribed. | ||
| And while the US National Library of Medicine notes that most people take phentermine for a month or so at a time, since the drug is addictive, Trump has supposedly been taking continuously for over two years. | ||
| Well, listen, when people get used to taking pills, and speed in particular, they get used to that ramped up life. | ||
| You can't wean off it. | ||
| It's very hard. | ||
| It's just very hard to just go cold turkey and be that guy who's just dull now. | ||
| Yeah, right, exactly. | ||
| Think about how much energy he had while he was on the campaign trail. | ||
| Constantly speaking. | ||
| Constantly. | ||
| Could never shut the fuck up. | ||
| It was really impressive. | ||
| I mean, he was non-stop. | ||
| Right. | ||
| 72-year-old man, 73, whatever. | ||
| Doesn't it make sense? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hillary was falling over. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And Hillary was on stuff, too. | ||
| She was on Provigil. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Provigil is a drug that was first invented. | ||
| They were trying to make a drug that was actually a performance-enhancing drug. | ||
| And then they had to come up with a reason for taking it. | ||
| Because you can't just say, hey, we made a pharmaceutical drug that enhances your energy levels. | ||
| So they came up with narcolepsy. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, I've taken it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah? | |
| Yeah, it's great if you have to drive somewhere and you're tired. | ||
| Because it doesn't make you speedy. | ||
| And I don't think it makes you any smarter or faster thinking or anything like that. | ||
| But it definitely keeps you awake. | ||
| It gives you like a little elevated sense of energy. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Doesn't sound so bad. | ||
| I mean, you'd have to take something to keep up those. | ||
| I mean, you know from just touring and stuff. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What that takes out of you. | ||
| Watch how they just were non-stop. | ||
| And he was probably on dye pills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Interesting. | ||
| And not getting skinnier. | ||
| I knew a gal going on that Fen-Fen stuff. | ||
| Oh yeah? | ||
| Yeah, back in the 90s. | ||
| She was beautiful, but she was chubby. | ||
| She just had a bad diet and just liked the booze and she's probably 20-something or something. | ||
| And got on the Fen-Fen and I hadn't seen her in forever. | ||
| I hadn't seen her in probably like a year. | ||
| And then I ran into her and I was like, holy shit! | ||
| Like, what happened to you? | ||
| Lost weight. | ||
| All of a sudden she was like 120 pounds and slim and gorgeous, and I was like, that is crazy! | ||
| So it works. | ||
| Yeah, but then it started fucking with her. | ||
| And messing her body up, and heart palpitations and shit. | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| And then, a year later, she was bigger than ever. | ||
| Jeez. | ||
| Well, I mean, if you think about taking an ibuprofen, if that messes you up, these drugs, the impact is huge. | ||
| Oh, yeah, man. | ||
| Huge. | ||
| Well, I know so many people that are on Adderall. | ||
| Yeah, I was just going to say, have you ever tried Adderall? | ||
| Never. | ||
| Me neither. | ||
| I'm scared of it, but I want to. | ||
| I know, me too. | ||
| I want to try it. | ||
| Jamie's going to bring in some for me. | ||
| You take it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| It's a dealer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
May or may not have. | |
| You sell it to children? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| What? | ||
| I got a pill from a friend of mine that I wanted to use. | ||
| I never even used it. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I still just have it. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Now, all this stuff really works. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You ever take an Ambien? | ||
| No. | ||
| I sleep easy. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| I got no problem sleeping. | ||
| I was doing a show in the Middle East once, and my doctor gave me Ambien. | ||
| He's like, if you need help adjusting your time... | ||
| I didn't ask for it, he just gave it to me. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| I don't really take anything, really, but I took it. | ||
| I mean, it just works. | ||
| You're just pretty awake, and then you just feel sleep just kind of calming over you like an ocean wave. | ||
| How did you feel when you woke up? | ||
| Not good. | ||
| A little druggie. | ||
| Yeah, fuck that. | ||
| Yeah, it wasn't like I woke up like, oh, I'm good to go. | ||
| I'd rather be kind of tired and then just go to the gym. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| I'm just not into that drugged up feeling. | ||
| No, because then it becomes a whole cat and mouse trying to adjust it. | ||
| I had a buddy who was going through a divorce and couldn't sleep at all, so he was taking two of those fucking things at night. | ||
| And everybody was urging him. | ||
| They were like, hey man, don't take that much. | ||
| This stuff is not good for you. | ||
| I'm always afraid you won't be able to sleep normally. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or you don't wake up. | |
| Take it and Night-night. | ||
| Choke in the middle of the night and just... | ||
| You're in the middle of some crazy dream about being in a gunfight with the cops. | ||
| That's the thing about Ambien. | ||
| Ambien people do things in their sleep. | ||
| Yeah, like go buy ice cream. | ||
| I had a bit about it in my act about a friend of mine who made a turkey. | ||
| He got up in the middle of the night, preheated the oven, went to the store, bought a turkey, came home, made stuffing, mashed potatoes, and gravy, cooked it, ate it, went back to sleep, got up in the morning and called the police. | ||
| Someone broke into my house and made a turkey! | ||
| They're like, what the fuck is wrong with you, you fat piece of shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come to grips with your food problem! | |
| It's a real story. | ||
| It's a real story? | ||
| Yeah, a real story. | ||
| And he didn't remember doing any of it? | ||
| No, he made a turkey. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| He went to the store, dude. | ||
| Yeah, like... | ||
| He bought a turkey. | ||
| Dealt with someone at the register. | ||
| Bought a fucking turkey. | ||
| Drove his car. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| This is so crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People are weird, man. | ||
| I'm surprised no one's like killed someone on Ambien. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, they have. | |
| They have? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| People have. | ||
| Yeah, people have murdered people on it. | ||
| And there was one guy who... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's... | |
| Jesus. | ||
| He... | ||
| I want to say he killed someone in his family with a crowbar. | ||
| Oh boy. | ||
| There was like some crazy story where he was on Ambien and he drove to someone's house and killed him with a crowbar and then drove home. | ||
| He had no idea he even did it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Well, people react to different things in different ways. | ||
| You can never predict exactly how someone's going to react to heavy-duty pharmaceuticals. | ||
| That's what I was worried about. | ||
| I'm like, I'm not taking this on the flight. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Who knows what I'm going to do? | ||
| Freak out in the middle of the fucking ocean. | ||
| Just wake up in prison, you don't know why? | ||
| How did I get here? | ||
| You know what you did. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| Having to watch the video of you. | ||
| Trying to hump some businessman. | ||
| With a fucking cat in the hat hat on. | ||
| Beating someone to death with a nine iron. | ||
| Pushing the drink cart. | ||
| Trying to get at the pilot. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Pretending to fly. | ||
| What a nightmare. | ||
| Ambien hasn't been around that long, right? | ||
| This is 2013, so I was trying to look up. | ||
| There's something called the homicidal sleepwalking defense that's been used at least since 1987. Looks like it goes back farther than that. | ||
| Here's the Wikipedia on it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Sleepwalking defense. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Homicidal somnambulism. | ||
|
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Or sleepwalking. | |
| Sleepwalking murder. | ||
| The act of killing someone during an episode of sleepwalking. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| See, that's the thing. | ||
| If you were going to kill somebody, wouldn't you be like, hey, I'm fucking sleeping. | ||
| He was acquitted of killing the murder of his mother-in-law in 1987 after using the sleepwalking defense. | ||
| Now, let me just pause right there. | ||
| I would love to believe this man. | ||
| However, I have a wonderful mother-in-law. | ||
| She's a lovely lady. | ||
| But I have friends whose mother-in-laws are straight cunts. | ||
| It's a real thing. | ||
| It's a real thing. | ||
| And it's just so convenient that this guy, he didn't kill his children. | ||
| Not his wife. | ||
| He didn't go drive to his buddy's house and kill his best friend. | ||
| What does it say there? | ||
| Reportedly got up from his bed, still asleep, and drove roughly 23 kilometers to his in-law's house, broke in, assaulted his father-in-law, Dennis Wood, and stabbed his mother-in-law to death. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
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Wow. | |
| Good on you. | ||
| After all this, he managed to drive himself to the police station. | ||
| Aside from a few isolated events, the next thing he could recall was being in the police station asking for help saying, I think I've killed some people. | ||
| My hands. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, that's what I would do, too. | ||
|
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Yeah. | |
| Go pretend. | ||
| You've got to plan this out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, something blew up for you. | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
| I went crazy, but you guys got to help me. | ||
| Yeah, like, if you know for sure you're going to kill them, like, there's no way I can not kill this person. | ||
| I need a fucking rock-solid excuse. | ||
|
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Yeah. | |
| What is this, nonbalombalism? | ||
| And then he had wonderful Thanksgivings ever since then. | ||
| Oh man, to stay married after that? | ||
| How's that work? | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| She probably quietly is grateful. | ||
| Yeah, the dad pulls you aside and slips you twine. | ||
| Better you than me, buddy. | ||
|
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Better you than me. | |
| Some people do have weird sleepwalking things, though. | ||
| Sleepwalking is a weird thing. | ||
|
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I did as a kid. | |
| Did you? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Like around kindergarten, I would come out into the living room just screaming and crying. | ||
|
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Whoa. | |
| And not have any recollection? | ||
| No. | ||
| None. | ||
| I did have recurring nightmares that I remember. | ||
| What were they? | ||
| The one very clear one was... | ||
| It was a blackness, you know, sometimes when you're sleeping. | ||
| You can feel the blackness, the space. | ||
| It was just very big, and you felt very small in it. | ||
| And there would be rumbling. | ||
|
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And it would build. | |
| Can I borrow that accordion? | ||
| And... | ||
| And I would feel kind of pulled back a little bit in it. | ||
| No, I'm doing it silent. | ||
| And then the turrets of two tanks would slowly come into the periphery on the left and the right. | ||
| And you see like the gun of the tank and the tanks would slowly start going towards each other from the left and the right. | ||
| And then they would fall down this hole and you'd get that feeling of falling. | ||
| And then sometimes I'd see the face of my father. | ||
| Sometimes I have dreams of falling off of things. | ||
|
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Yeah. | |
| What's that supposed to mean? | ||
| That means that you're going to get money. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| Is that good? | ||
| Sometimes I do, though. | ||
| Sometimes I have dreams where I'm catching myself like I'm on a tree. | ||
| Like, oh, Jesus! | ||
| Too high up this tree. | ||
| Hang on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What am I doing on the edge of this building? | ||
| What am I doing on that cliff? | ||
| Get back to this. | ||
| So I wouldn't connect the dream to the sleepwalking, but... | ||
| What do you think it is? | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| It could have been connected. | ||
| Come on, dude. | ||
| You're a doctor. | ||
| But I was... | ||
| I remember one time I was at my friend's sleeping over at my friend's house, and the next morning they were like, Tommy can't sleep here anymore because I did it at their house where they were just asleep, and then you got some kids screaming in the middle of the night, crying and screaming in the middle of the living room. | ||
| Yeah, but I've had kids do that at my house. | ||
| You have? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You pick them up and you go, you okay? | ||
| You bring them to the bed? | ||
| You know, it's one thing once you have kids, too. | ||
| Man, it's so hard for people that don't have kids to understand this. | ||
| I've said this before, but when I was on planes before, I would be bummed out if a kid was crying. | ||
| Like, oh, fucking great. | ||
| This is a lot of fun. | ||
| Fucking loud, stupid kid. | ||
| Quiet your kid up! | ||
| But now, I'm like, ah, poor little kid. | ||
| You don't even hear it. | ||
| But it doesn't bother me. | ||
| No. | ||
| Like, I'm upset. | ||
| I can't sleep. | ||
| It's like, ah, poor little kid. | ||
| You can look at kids so different once you have them. | ||
| And the parents. | ||
| You have empathy for the parents. | ||
| You're like, oh, I've been there. | ||
| When you're going through that thing, it's just so rough. | ||
| But it really is an instinct. | ||
| There is no... | ||
| Like, when you hear a baby cry on a plane, there's not that thing you had when you were younger. | ||
| It's just like, get it out of here. | ||
| Yeah, that's a weird thing that people do have. | ||
| Like, I've seen it before where, like, young boys in particular do not like babies. | ||
| No. | ||
| They don't like kids, and they're around them, and they're like, ugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They roll their eyes, and it's like, to them... | ||
| It's an instinct. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then once you have them, you would just, like... | ||
| But it's funny when you see, like, teenage boys around them. | ||
|
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Yeah. | |
| Especially ones that haven't been raised around kids. | ||
| Maybe it's the instinct that they're going to have to, uh... | ||
| One day take care of one of those? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the party's going to end. | ||
| They're going to be trapped. | ||
| The party's going to end. | ||
| And it's funny because, like, there are these chapters. | ||
| It's like, this is all coming full circle to what we're talking about with, like, Richard Branson on a boat, getting his dick sucked, doing coke. | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| There's a cycle, and if you hang in there long enough, it becomes cool again. | ||
| Like, if you're hammered and you're 20 and you're out there having a party, it's kind of silly and it's fun. | ||
| But if you're hammered and you're 60, it's kind of sad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if you're hammered and you're 90, it's funny again. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| He's got to hang in there. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| But if you're a 90-year-old drunk, I go, how about you all just suck my dick? | ||
| Which, by the way, apparently the latest in the sexual harassment Olympics, the latest entry is Stan Lee from Marvel Comics. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he's 95 years old. | ||
|
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Yeah. | |
| He lives in some giant mansion, and he has a bunch of nurses. | ||
| He's trying to get them all to blow them. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Now, he says it's a shakedown. | ||
| He says they're all just trying to get money from him, which may very well be the case. | ||
| Or it may very well be the case that he is like a lot of 95-year-old dudes with 20 million bucks in the bank and about six months to live. | ||
| Just getting it on. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| You try. | ||
| You go for it. | ||
| You swing those fucking dice. | ||
| Come on, seven. | ||
|
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Woo! | |
| Woo! | ||
| Stanley. | ||
| If he really can. | ||
| If you're worth... | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Go back to that. | ||
| What does it say there? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He bought someone... | ||
| Then it was revealed that someone had bought an $850,000 condo in his name without his knowledge. | ||
|
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Yeah, that was last week. | |
| I don't know if you heard about that. | ||
| No. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| He filed a police report after discovering that someone had stolen $300,000 from him. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Using a forged check. | ||
| And then it was revealed that someone bought an $850,000 condo in his name without his knowledge. | ||
| A fact that came to light when his team did a full audit of his accounts following the forged check. | ||
| Whether this is any way related. | ||
| Okay, so he might be being honest. | ||
| This might be in reaction to the shakedown. | ||
| This guy has so much money that someone bought an $850,000 condo in his name, and he didn't learn about it until they were going over the books. | ||
| Yeah, he didn't learn about it until they found a $300,000 stolen check. | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| That's a baller. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Stan Lee balling out of control. | ||
| Superhero. | ||
|
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|
Out there kicking some fucking ass. | |
| Superhero! | ||
| Yeah, I'd like to think that he's not the guy who's trying to tell these maids to suck his dick. | ||
| Nah, I doubt it. | ||
| I'd like to think that. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I want some heroes left. | ||
| A couple of those guys. | ||
| A few. | ||
|
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But... | |
| Hang in there, guys. | ||
| One more time. | ||
| Tom Papa, let's wrap this bitch up. | ||
| Let's bring it home. | ||
| Tell these people where you're going to be performing your wonderful stand-up comedy. | ||
| I'm heading out on tour, Joe. | ||
| Where are you going, Tom? | ||
| I'm going to Raleigh, North Carolina. | ||
| Oh, you're going to Charlie Goodnight's? | ||
| No, I'm playing the theater. | ||
|
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Oh, someone's hashtag ballin'. | |
| Duke something energy center or something. | ||
| The Duke fucking Energy Center. | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| And then I'm going to Viejo, California. | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| I'm going to... | ||
| I'm all over the place. | ||
| Where's Viejo? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| North of here. | ||
| Everything's north of here. | ||
| They'll tell you how to go. | ||
| GPS. Yeah, GPS it. | ||
| Just go to TomPapa.com. | ||
| All my dates are on there. | ||
| TomPapa.com. | ||
| And away we go Tom, it's always a pleasure, sir. | ||
| You too, buddy. | ||
| You're always a wonderful guest. | ||
| I always enjoy this very much. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I'm going to come back. | ||
| I'll bring some fresh underpants. | ||
| We'll go in the sauna. | ||
| We'll be back tomorrow with journalist Dan Harris, and he's going to get in the tank first. | ||
| He's got a meditation app and, I guess, a book. | ||
| Maybe just an app. | ||
| These wacky kids today don't even read anymore. | ||
| All right. | ||
| We'll be back. | ||
| Bye. | ||
|
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Bye. | |
| Perfect. |
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