July 25, 2017 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:36:05
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Turn on the lava lamp. | ||
| He knows how to turn on everything. | ||
| His name is young Jamie. | ||
| Three, two, one. | ||
| I'm live with Nick Swartzen, former drug dealer. | ||
| Nick, tell us your tale. | ||
| Tell us your tale of youth gone wild. | ||
| It's a tale of youth gone wild. | ||
| We are the youth gone wild. | ||
| How many people like broke windows because they heard that song? | ||
| Like, yeah, it's me, man. | ||
| I'm fucking crazy. | ||
| I'm wild! | ||
| Finally somebody labeled it! | ||
| We are the youth, going wild! | ||
| Songs can be inspiring in a bad way sometimes, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They can get you to do some stupid shit. | ||
| Dude, you know how many people carelessly whispered? | ||
|
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I know. | |
| Fucking careless, dude. | ||
| How many people woke people up before they go-go'd? | ||
| Yeah, woke them up. | ||
| They were not ready to go-go. | ||
|
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Yeah, we're planning on going so low. | |
| We lost a lot of fucking people this year. | ||
| When you stop and think about George Michael, Prince, who was the latest one? | ||
| There was some big ones. | ||
| Chester Bennington. | ||
| Chester, that was a big one. | ||
| And Chris Cornell, both in the same way. | ||
| Yeah, and then Chester committed suicide on his birthday. | ||
| Chris Cornell's birthday. | ||
|
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Dude. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That was a weird one, man. | ||
| That guy was 41 on top of the world. | ||
| The lead singer of one of the biggest rock bands of all time. | ||
| But it's hard to say what caused him to be so fucked up, but most people point to he was very sexually abused when he was a young kid. | ||
| And he just never recovered from that. | ||
| And then, you know... | ||
| Yeah, I never knew him, but I had friends that were really close to them, and they just said he was, like, the most gentle, sweet guy. | ||
| Fucking powerful voice, man. | ||
| Oh, dude, yeah, that guy would shred. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| Yeah, no, it's horrible. | ||
| It's so hard for people to understand that you could be the lead singer of like, I mean, arguably one of the biggest bands of our generation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Giant, huge arena filled up. | ||
| There was a photo of him standing on stage with no shirt on in this massive arena show and everybody had their cell phone lights on. | ||
| You know, people do that now instead of lighters. | ||
| Back when I was a kid. | ||
| Back when I was a boy, we didn't have cell phones. | ||
| We burned our bodies. | ||
| We had fire! | ||
| Yeah, we had fucking fire hazards. | ||
| But he was standing on stage, and I was like, yeah, that's the photo. | ||
| Like, look at that shit, man. | ||
| That's sick. | ||
| No one could ever possibly imagine that that guy would not be insanely happy. | ||
| I mean, look how many people love that guy. | ||
| You're just getting a tiny fraction of the love that guy must have gotten, and it still wasn't enough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
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Yeah. | |
| So hard to understand. | ||
| I mean, yeah, that level of just inner sadness and darkness. | ||
| I mean, good lord. | ||
| It's just awful to think that that guy went through to get to that point. | ||
| And he had six kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, I mean, it's just like it had to be so much that even having kids and being with his kids wasn't enough. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| That's a crazy picture, though. | ||
| That's a sick photo. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I mean, all the way up in the rafters. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that's probably like 30,000 people or something crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, look at all the people that don't have phones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's their deal? | ||
| Losers. | ||
| Maybe they're just cheap. | ||
| Maybe they're like Ari. | ||
| Maybe they just went flip phone. | ||
| I can't handle it. | ||
| I can't handle the apps. | ||
| It's just too much. | ||
| Too much temptation. | ||
| Ari's resisting it. | ||
| He's gonna be chopping his own wood soon. | ||
| Ari's gonna have a well, I guarantee you. | ||
| He told me he wanted to buy land, and I was like, do you want to build a house? | ||
| He goes, no, no, no, I just want to camp there. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| Buy land to camp on? | ||
| Yeah, he's gonna buy land, but he's not gonna build a house. | ||
| Like Landland or like a plot? | ||
| Ari likes camping. | ||
| They were calling it glumping, which is camping with cum. | ||
| It was him. | ||
| Camping? | ||
| Big Jay Oakerson. | ||
| Big Jay posted it on his Instagram page. | ||
| But he loves being outside. | ||
| He loves nature. | ||
| I mean, I get it. | ||
| Look, if you can camp, if you really don't need a house, what do you need? | ||
| You need a trailer to keep your shit in. | ||
| You need a trailer to put pots and pans in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you still want shit, you know what I mean? | ||
| You can't have posters anymore. | ||
| Yeah, no posters. | ||
| Can't put Farrah Fawcett on the roof of your tent. | ||
| Can't put Youth Gone Wild poster up. | ||
| Yeah, how many fucking songs? | ||
| Why does he just fucking go camping? | ||
| Why do you have to, like, buy... | ||
| To me, that's not camping if you own a plot of land and then you're just sleeping on it. | ||
| Is that technically camping? | ||
| That's a very good point. | ||
| That's sleeping on your land. | ||
| That's like if you're hunting and there's a fence around the animals and you're only on one acre. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Is that really hunting? | ||
| It's not fucking hunting, man. | ||
| You're just chasing down shit that can't run away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're cheating. | ||
| You're not camping. | ||
| No bears are gonna just wander up by your campsite. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're out there for real in the wild. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't be on your own little land unless your land is huge. | ||
| But then if your land is huge and you have, like, say if you have, like, one of those ranches in Texas. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You ever see those, you know, Texas is, like, something insane amount of Texas is private land. | ||
| There's not a lot of public land in Texas. | ||
| It's just all giant ranches. | ||
| And some of them are, like, 10,000 plus acres, like 20,000, 100,000. | ||
| Like you could camp there, I guess, because it takes you like three hours to drive across it. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Yeah, drive to your house, man. | ||
| That's too much land. | ||
| It's too much, right? | ||
| It's too much. | ||
| Why do you need that much land? | ||
| How about Ted Turner? | ||
| Doesn't that guy own like the most land of anybody in the country? | ||
| Here today, King Ranch sprawls 825,000 acres of South Texas land, an area larger than the state of Rhode Island. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| That's the home of 35,000 cattle and over 200 quarter horses. | ||
| King Ranch is one of the largest ranches in the world today. | ||
| I wonder if they hunt on that ranch. | ||
| Who owns that? | ||
| Which king? | ||
| Some fucking baller. | ||
| He might as well be. | ||
| He's the king of Rhode Island. | ||
| Burger King? | ||
| Maybe it's the Burger King guy. | ||
| That is insane, man. | ||
| That is insane. | ||
| No gay bars. | ||
| Okay, there's three or four in there. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| That would be amazing. | ||
| No gay bars, but there's plenty of trek stops. | ||
| Rest stops are like where they're at now. | ||
| They haven't really gotten to the full-on gay bar. | ||
| Not full admittance. | ||
| They just wanted them to meet at the rest stops. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you remember when we were kids? | ||
| That was like the thing. | ||
| Like, you'd always know that dudes would try to bang dudes at a rest stop. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Like, if you're at a rest stop and someone knocks on your door and it's a dude, he's looking to get a blowjob or something. | ||
| Yeah, there's no rest there. | ||
| Nobody's resting. | ||
| People are wide awake. | ||
| Sucking dicks! | ||
| Wide awake and in your mouth. | ||
| But how did they figure out to meet at rest stops? | ||
| I've always wondered. | ||
| Like, how does that work? | ||
| CB radio. | ||
|
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That's how it was, dude. | |
| Breaker Breaker 1-9, I'm looking to suck some dick. | ||
| Anybody out there holler back? | ||
| 69er, 69er. | ||
| Coming in. | ||
| Breaker Breaker 1-9, I like to meet in bathrooms. | ||
| The smell of shit excites me. | ||
|
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Over. | |
| Do you remember when that... | ||
| Do you remember when that... | ||
| Was it a senator or... | ||
| Whatever the politician was. | ||
| The gentleman who got arrested in a sting operation. | ||
| Because so many dudes were sucking dicks in the bathroom at the airport. | ||
| I think it was like... | ||
| It was in fucking Minneapolis. | ||
| That's where I'm from. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then people called me about it. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Hey man, what's the code? | ||
| What's up with your airport? | ||
| What stall was it? | ||
| How many taps on the foot? | ||
| But it had to be so many people that they actually went and put a cop there to try to bust people. | ||
| I mean, how many people have to get their dick sucked in a place before they hire a cop? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, well, we found a hot spot. | ||
| They figured it out. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Senator pleaded guilty reportedly after bathroom stall incident. | ||
| Yeah, arrest Minneapolis-St. | ||
| Paul Airport. | ||
| Yeah, and he was like tapping on the ground. | ||
| They had a way of tapping. | ||
| Yeah, there was a tap move. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, what does he say? | ||
| At the time of the incident, I complained to the police they were misconstruing my actions. | ||
| I was not involved in any inappropriate conduct, he said. | ||
| I should have had the advice of counsel in resolving this matter. | ||
| In hindsight, I should not have pled guilty. | ||
| I was trying to handle this matter myself quickly and expeditiously. | ||
| Oh, I get it. | ||
| And I travel wearing tap shoes. | ||
| See, part of me thinks this is hilarious, but part of me is sad that this guy has to, like, hide... | ||
| What he's into, and he has to hide in bathroom stalls and learn some fucking secret tap. | ||
| And just smell farts from around the world as he's coming. | ||
| According to the arrest report cited by Roll Call, Craig tapped his right foot, which the officer said he recognized as a signal used by persons wishing to engage in lewd conduct. | ||
| But what if you were there and you're just tapping your foot? | ||
| Yeah, what if you're just impatient because your shit's taking so long? | ||
| Oh, you saw other stuff? | ||
| Next, oh, he also then entered the stall next door and blocked the door with his luggage. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| How did other people get in then? | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Oh, was he in there with somebody? | ||
| He was trying to block anybody from coming in. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| He must have been just going to town on guys in that airport. | ||
| That was his spot. | ||
| And people were kicking, trying to kick in the door? | ||
|
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What was happening there? | |
| I got a shit! | ||
| But how does like, how does a spot become notorious? | ||
| Like, how does arrested, what does it say? | ||
| Proceeded to swipe his hand under the stalled divider several times. | ||
| I want to know what the fuck the cop was saying. | ||
| If he was like, stop. | ||
| I can't do it here. | ||
| I can't tuck your dick here. | ||
| We don't know what the cop was saying. | ||
| What if the cop was totally leading him on? | ||
| I mean, it sounds like he had the green light, unless the guy's a total psychopath. | ||
| When you go into a stall with another dude and you stack up your luggage in front of the door, that's a bold move. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| It seems like you would only do that if you were emboldened. | ||
| He didn't just tap his foot, he touched the officer's foot with his foot. | ||
|
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He reached his foot all the way under. | |
| Here's my question. | ||
| We know cops are full of shit. | ||
| Just like people. | ||
| People are full of shit. | ||
| But cops are people. | ||
| Not all cops. | ||
| A lot of cops are awesome. | ||
| We know some cops are full of shit. | ||
| When something like this happens, I feel like it's one person versus another person. | ||
| I don't really feel like a cop's word is worth more than a regular person's word. | ||
| Because I think a cop is just a regular person. | ||
| I think you should listen to them when they're doing the job. | ||
| But something like this, it might have been exactly as this cop described, but it might have been like that Baltimore cop that got busted planting drugs with his fucking camera. | ||
| He had a body camera on, and what he didn't understand is when you turn on a body camera, it records 30 seconds before you turned it on. | ||
| So just in case you turn it on in a moment of duress with something crazy is going on, you're like, shut the camera, and you press it on, they can see someone committing a crime perhaps. | ||
| So you have a 30 second buffer. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| He didn't know that either, dude. | ||
| So they got on video 30 seconds of him going back and planting the drugs that he then pretended to find. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
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Dude. | |
| That's horrifying. | ||
| Horrible. | ||
| Horrible. | ||
| Fucking horrifying. | ||
| That's horrible. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| See, because if you're going to be able to convict somebody, and this guy says this, and that guy says that, and who do you believe? | ||
| Well, I believe the cop. | ||
| He's an officer of the law. | ||
| That's crazy, because it's just a person. | ||
| This is not a disrespectful thing against cops. | ||
| I'm not a disrespectful person. | ||
| No, but that's a scary amount of power. | ||
| It's a scary amount of power, and it's just a person. | ||
| Now, some people, like I have a bunch of friends that are cops, and they know how to handle it. | ||
| You know, they've handled it, and they get it, they know what it is, and they're real cool about it. | ||
| Like Big John McCarthy, the ref for the UFC, he's one of the best examples. | ||
| Big John, he was a serious cop, involved in some fucking hairy shit for years. | ||
| One of the nicest guys you ever want to meet. | ||
| And totally fair and reasonable guy. | ||
| And he was a guy, you know, that was like a bright and shining example of what a cop could be. | ||
| And if the world was filled with Big John McCarthy's as cops, it'd be a wonderful place. | ||
| I think we'd all figure it out. | ||
| But cops are just people, man. | ||
| Especially when these cops are going into these situations. | ||
| Like, imagine being a 21-year-old guy, however the fuck old you are, and all of a sudden you're working in, like, Camden, New Jersey. | ||
| Like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| You're not ready for that. | ||
| You're some regular dude, and you're gonna get thrust into some chaotic, almost semi-war zone in some of these bad neighborhoods these people have to patrol. | ||
| Yeah, and just another world with another set of rules and just shit just going down all the time. | ||
| And anything you're coming up on is most likely a threat to your life. | ||
| You pull a guy over. | ||
| Like, you pull a guy over in a 65 Impala. | ||
| What are the odds that guy doesn't have a gun? | ||
| Right? | ||
| You see like one of them low-rider cars, and you see some gangster-looking fellas with some crazy face tattoos and shit, and they're driving one of those cars. | ||
| Can you imagine having to pull over someone who you knew was probably willing to shoot you? | ||
| And you have to talk to them about their brake light being off, or they were five miles an hour above the speed limit. | ||
| You know the videos. | ||
| You've seen videos of cops getting shot. | ||
| We all have. | ||
| You know that that could happen. | ||
| You're around people just lying all the time. | ||
| They're all lying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many of them are telling the truth and talk to you? | ||
| 90% full of shit. | ||
| 90%! | ||
| So every day, it's just stress! | ||
| Panic! | ||
| I mean, like, when I would get pulled over, I mean, like, I'd panic. | ||
| I fucking, like, yeah. | ||
| That cop that shot that chick, the recent one, where the woman called... | ||
| In Minnesota, yeah. | ||
| She called for the police, and then she came out, and when she came out, the cop shot her. | ||
| That, to me, is a perfect example of why, like, we should reassess what a cop is and reassess, like, how many people get to be cops. | ||
| It's an extraordinary responsibility. | ||
| You're putting on just any person, an ordinary person, I would say. | ||
| I think you have to be an extraordinary person to be a good cop. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| And I think you also have to deal with the fact that there's been a lot of bad cops and there's a lot of prejudice against cops. | ||
| Those are like two giant factors. | ||
| But I think that job where you decide whether or not you pull the trigger and end someone's life, and you're a panicker. | ||
| You know, you're a panicker. | ||
| You're not a guy who does well in confrontational situations. | ||
| Maybe you haven't been in a lot of conflicts. | ||
| Maybe you've seen too much shit. | ||
| Maybe you've seen too many people get shot. | ||
| Maybe you're suffering from PTSD. Maybe you're on edge all the time. | ||
| Maybe you have nightmares that someone's going to take you out. | ||
| And then all of a sudden you're in the hallway. | ||
| And this lady comes out, or an alleyway, and you shoot her. | ||
| And you're like, what the fuck? | ||
| Like, you might not even saw her! | ||
| You know, people have hallucinations under great duress. | ||
| Like, when they think their life is on the line, they see things that aren't really there. | ||
| It happens to people all the time. | ||
| They'll, like, mistake someone for something else. | ||
| They'll mistake someone for an attacker. | ||
| I mean that's fucking insane. | ||
| I mean she CALLED the cops! | ||
|
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Crazy. | |
| That's what's fucking insane to call 911 because she heard what she thought was a woman being assaulted and then to approach the cop car and they get fucking shot. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| I mean like what? | ||
| But it's what it is is people not handling pressure very well. | ||
| Pressure is it's it is such a massive factor in the way people behave and And there's no bigger pressure than you showing up. | ||
| You have bright, shiny lights. | ||
| You're in the enemy car, okay? | ||
| You're wearing the enemy uniform, and they know you have a gun. | ||
| And how many of them have watched so many videos on TV of cops planting evidence, or on YouTube, of cops planting evidence of kids being shot by cops, and stories where cops got off. | ||
| Shot in the back. | ||
| I mean, like, crazy shit, yeah. | ||
| Crazy shit, right? | ||
| So you're dealing with the weight of that when you step out of your car. | ||
| Yeah, I mean that's anxiety 24-7. | ||
| Dude, that's a job that is insanely hard to do, and we should figure out a way to re-engineer that position. | ||
| We should figure out a way to give them more help, more support, and explain, like, the only way, like, cops and civilians are gonna get along is if there's no fuck-ups. | ||
| Or very, very few fuck-ups. | ||
| Anytime something like this happens, you've got to realize you've got a bad system. | ||
| You can't have just a regular person and give them a gun. | ||
| What kind of psychological training do they have? | ||
| Have you seen what they're like? | ||
| How did they get the gig? | ||
| Have you seen what they're like under the gun? | ||
| Have you seen what they're like when someone wants to beat their ass? | ||
| Have you seen what they're like when someone is throwing punches at them, trying to kill them? | ||
| Some guy, randomly, right? | ||
| He answers a call, he opens a door, a guy's throwing bombs at him. | ||
| What does he do? | ||
| How does he handle this? | ||
| Does he shoot the guy? | ||
| Does he run away? | ||
| Can he fight back? | ||
| Has he ever been punched? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Fuck, man, you're asking some regular person to just be involved in a potential civilian war zone on any given day. | ||
| If you're in Miami, Florida, and someone got gunshots fired in a warehouse, you're like, what are the odds these guys don't have piles of cocaine in this warehouse? | ||
| I've seen Narcos. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Well, that's the thing. | ||
| You've never seen a mellow cop movie. | ||
| There's no chill movie where it's like, all right, yeah, you got a speeding ticket. | ||
| And then the end, it's like always fucking nuts. | ||
| Except smoking the bandit. | ||
| It's pretty... | ||
| Even then, they drove recklessly. | ||
| Yeah, but they could do that back then. | ||
|
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They drove recklessly, Joe. | |
| There was nobody around. | ||
| Yeah, I mean... | ||
| Nobody to hit. | ||
| Alright, I have a question for you. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What is this I hear about your dream pills? | ||
| Dream pills? | ||
| Somebody said that you have pills that... | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| It's alpha brain. | ||
| It's a nootropic. | ||
| What it is, it's actually nutrients that are building blocks for human neurotransmitters. | ||
|
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Okay. | |
| So, like, there's certain foods that are called... | ||
| I'm saying foods because you eat them. | ||
| They're supplements. | ||
| Mostly vitamins and there's minerals and a bunch of different things that you can get from plants and there's a series of different kinds of nootropics and if you've never looked into it, it's a cool thing to study. | ||
| There are actually supplements out there that enhance your memory and they enhance your reaction time as well. | ||
| Like, you know how you feel like if you're hungover or... | ||
| I've never been hungover. | ||
| You wouldn't even understand what this is. | ||
| You're such a man of health. | ||
| Never drank. | ||
| But that feeling where you're kind of foggy. | ||
| Or some days, it's not firing right. | ||
| So we know for sure, this is really obvious to everybody, that there's a difference in your performance based on a variety of factors, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Lack of sleep, nutrition, exercise, stress. | ||
| There's a whole host of factors that affect how your brain forms. | ||
| Nootropics, what they can do is boost up your brain's ability to remember things, like verbal memory is a big one that they show. | ||
| We did two double-blind, placebo-controlled studies about alpha brain. | ||
| It's one of the things we found. | ||
| We found memory, reaction time, and peak alpha flow state, all improvements, all statistically significant improvements in those areas. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What I found is there was a company called, I think it's Neuro One is the supplement. | ||
| I forget his company, but it's Bill Romanowski. | ||
| You know Bill Romanowski? | ||
| I know Bill very well, yeah. | ||
| That guy is a genius. | ||
| Jesus, yeah. | ||
| Genius. | ||
| Savage. | ||
| Savage as a football player. | ||
| Super savage. | ||
| And remember, we're going to talk about the new CTE study that just came out. | ||
| It's crazy with football players. | ||
| But anyway, Bill Romanowski, he used to be friends with this dude, Sarah and No Name. | ||
| And No Name was a cool radio station in San Francisco. | ||
| I used to love doing them. | ||
| And No Name was friends with Romanowski and Romanowski was training him. | ||
| He was like, he was like trying to get him in shape. | ||
| It's like, come on you fuck. | ||
| I'm gonna work you out and put him through a bunch of brutal workouts. | ||
| And then he gave him some of his supplement. | ||
| And that's how I found out about it. | ||
| And the supplement Neuro One, he invented because he was suffering from head injuries. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because he'd been through so many concussions, man. | ||
| He's having memory problems and all sorts of issues. | ||
| So he started looking into... | ||
| Nutritional cures, like what helps boost neurotransmitters, which helps boost serotonin. | ||
| There's like 5-HTP is a big one that helps boost serotonin. | ||
| And L-tryptophan as well, because L-tryptophan actually converts to 5-HTP. And then you have to add in a bunch of other shit, like adaptogens and B vitamins and all these different things. | ||
| There's a combination that you can hit of nutrients. | ||
| And Bill Romanowski, I think he uses a little caffeine in his as well. | ||
| I don't have anything to do with him, by the way. | ||
| This is not an advertisement. | ||
| We don't sell Neural One, but it's the shit. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| And that's the first thing I found out about. | ||
| I found out about that, and then we wound up making Alpha Brain, which is our version of it, with a bunch of things that work together synergistically. | ||
| And if you take that stuff before bedtime, a lot of times you get freaky dreams. | ||
| Like, if you take it like an hour before bedtime, it seems like right when you go to sleep, That's when it's just getting into your system. | ||
| And I guess when you go into your REM sleep, just get an extra fucking fat juicy pipe of neurotransmitters to work with. | ||
| You start having freaky ass dreams. | ||
| You're just full inception. | ||
|
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Yeah. | |
| Paracetum is really good too. | ||
| People love that stuff. | ||
| Love that. | ||
| Choline. | ||
| Choline is a big one. | ||
| That's one of the ingredients. | ||
| What the fuck are these things? | ||
| Are these in Lucky Charms? | ||
| What is happening? | ||
| They're definitely in Lucky Charms. | ||
| They should be. | ||
|
unidentified
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People would be like, my lucky charms made me very smart today. | |
| They're basically, you know, they're nutrients. | ||
| Yeah, no, that's the trip. | ||
| No, I was just wondering. | ||
| People are super skeptical about this, and you definitely should be. | ||
| You definitely should be. | ||
| I would never ever, in a million years, try to sell someone something that doesn't work. | ||
| I have zero desire in doing that. | ||
| So everything that we do at Onnit, I use. | ||
| I use, or I believe in it. | ||
| There's no horseshit thing. | ||
| So when this whole nootropics thing came out, we rushed and got alpha brain out. | ||
| And a lot of people called it bullshit. | ||
| They're like, there's no studies. | ||
| This is no science. | ||
| This is snake oil. | ||
| I was like, oh, you've got to have all your ducks in a row when you start claiming that you have nutrients. | ||
| Regardless of whatever anecdotal evidence you have. | ||
| It was a good learning experience. | ||
| But I mean that's weird because people never just cry bullshit over stuff for no reason. | ||
| People never just go, what? | ||
| No, fuck that! | ||
| It's like everything that happens. | ||
| You know what I saw? | ||
| I saw Katy Perry sitting down with DeRay Mackeson. | ||
| Did you say Mackeson or Mackeson? | ||
| Of Black Lives Matter. | ||
| And Katy Perry was apologizing about cultural appropriation because I guess she wore braids. | ||
| For whatever fucking reason. | ||
| And she was sitting there. | ||
| It's the weirdest thing ever, man. | ||
| They're both on a couch and they have no shoes on. | ||
| And she's touching him and he's wearing a blue vest. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck am I watching? | ||
| Was that in a dream? | ||
| Or was that a real thing? | ||
| I was like, look, look, look. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| Dude wears that blue vest everywhere. | ||
| I mean, he loves that blue vest. | ||
| That's his look. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's like Mr. Rogers. | ||
| Mr. Rogers. | ||
| First of all, look at his socks. | ||
| I love his socks. | ||
| He's a strong, confident man. | ||
| Are they in the Matrix? | ||
| Those socks are rainbows, homie. | ||
| Bitch, color's there. | ||
| And so she's culturally appropriating a lesbian right now with her hair. | ||
| She should be careful. | ||
| She's culturally appropriating literally an old lesbian. | ||
| She has gray hair. | ||
| What is that hipster insane asylum that they're in? | ||
| That's her bathroom. | ||
| That's where she shits. | ||
| That picture on the wall, it comes down and she climbs on top and shits in the mouth of the... | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's a new thing. | ||
|
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That's so hot. | |
| It's a new thing all the celebrities are doing. | ||
| Like, look how they're sitting here facing each other. | ||
| It's so bizarre. | ||
| I can't play you any of this because I don't want to get the video pulled off YouTube, but it's... | ||
| That's super weird. | ||
| And mostly it's him sitting there listening to her just go like this. | ||
|
unidentified
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Blah! | |
| Bullshit coming out of her mouth. | ||
| Barfing. | ||
| She just didn't want people to be mad at her for doing... | ||
| For wearing braids? | ||
| Yeah, for cultural appropriation. | ||
| Was there an outrage? | ||
| Let's see what she looked like when she was culturally appropriating. | ||
| Cultural appropriation is so crazy. | ||
| The idea that you can't have braids if you're white. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| All you're trying to do... | ||
| People are just trying to control people. | ||
| They're trying to control people. | ||
| Everybody wants their fucking two cents. | ||
| Everybody wants to throw in and chime in. | ||
| It's just everywhere. | ||
| Everybody wants to be like, I have something to say. | ||
| It's like, alright, well, fuck you. | ||
| And everybody wants to be able to be mad. | ||
| They want to have a reason to get mad. | ||
| Yeah, we talked about that earlier. | ||
| Everybody wants to be super, super mad. | ||
| Yeah, we were talking about the behind-the-scenes stuff at shows, and about how many different mindsets you have to kind of manage when you're working on a show, and how many people are just looking to get outraged about stuff, especially lately. | ||
| It's a weird fucking time for this. | ||
| Yeah, no, you can't joke. | ||
| I mean, I send out, like, loose cannon tweets sometimes, and I would do it more back in the day, and then I just... | ||
| Like, the more I, you know, I get shit-faced and then, like, write a tweet, and I'm like, I just, I don't even want to deal with what somehow somebody could... | ||
| I mean, even, like, innocuous, harmless Instagrams and stuff, people will still, like, jump on them. | ||
| I'll be like, hey, you know, like, I saw this bird, and they're like, whoa, what's it, what kind of bird is that? | ||
| Well, what, did you fuck it? | ||
| Or, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, why are you hitting on the bird? | ||
| I'm not, I just saw it. | ||
| Don't you think, though, that for the most part, most of the interactions are pretty nice? | ||
| There's just a small percentage. | ||
| Yeah, for the most part, yeah. | ||
| But those small percentages you don't forget. | ||
| No, and it's just, I mean, it's the ones that are really irrational. | ||
| And the ones that always make me laugh are people that'll go, like, they'll comment or something, and I don't really, you know, I'll read comments, like, in an Uber or on a plane or something, and I'll just, like, oh, I'll see you, check out the comments. | ||
| Somebody will be like, hey, fuck you, you're a piece of shit. | ||
| I'm like, alright. | ||
| And then I'll just like it. | ||
| And then they'll comment back, like, I can't believe you like that. | ||
| Like, I was just kidding. | ||
| Like, I'm a huge fan. | ||
| And I'm just like... | ||
| Well, this is just weird for me. | ||
| It's too weird. | ||
| You just wrote a whole thing about how I'm a piece of shit, and I just liked it, and now you're like, nah, I just want to get you to respond. | ||
| Yeah, from their perspective, that's the best way to get them to respond. | ||
| That's the best way. | ||
| That way, you'll have your back up against the wall. | ||
| Well, it's like you said. | ||
| A lot of this stuff's positive, and then the ones that pop are the people that are like... | ||
| Hey, your fucking face sucks. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's so rude. | ||
| Which it does. | ||
| Your face does not suck. | ||
| It's dease. | ||
| Dude, you're fine. | ||
| Dease face. | ||
| Listen, there's a lot of people out there with some fucked up faces that would kill for your face. | ||
| But no, I was saying about dreams, I would have, like, when I would detox from, like, a fucking booze extravaganza, and I would, I would have dreams, that's why I was intrigued, because I would have fucking crazy dreams, where I would be, it would be so lucid. | ||
| I want to hear Riders in the Storm right now. | ||
| Riders in the Storm. | ||
|
unidentified
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Riders in the Storm. | |
| That was like a like a mixed version. | ||
| Yeah, it was like an elevator on mushrooms. | ||
| Like DJ version. | ||
| So you would detox? | ||
| I would detox and I would have these dreams and they were so lucid and I'd be like walking around the dream and I would know I was dreaming and I couldn't wake myself up and I would try to wake myself up so then I would try to like jump dive out of a window to wake myself up or try to like do something that will like jar me awake and then I would do it and And then I would wake up, and then I would be in another fucking dream. | ||
| And I'd be in my bedroom, and I'd be like, oh, I'm gonna go up and get some water. | ||
| And then all of a sudden I'd realize, oh my god, I'm still in the dream because this isn't the shit on my walls. | ||
| And I'd have to wake myself up again. | ||
| Fucking gnarly, dude. | ||
| Like you psyched yourself out in the dream. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| You're like, I gotta wake up. | ||
| You're like, hey, wake up, wake up. | ||
| Oh, look, you're awake. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it was really just more dream. | ||
| You're awake. | ||
| Psych. | ||
| Yeah, so that's why I was kind of fascinated by that. | ||
| It makes you wonder, what is real? | ||
| If you could live in a perpetual dream, what's going on there? | ||
| There's still something happening. | ||
| You're experiencing things. | ||
| Things are happening. | ||
| Whether you're lying there with your eyes closed or not, There's a bunch of shit that's going on, a bunch of experiences that your senses are taken in that are pretty fucking remarkably similar to real life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, that's why it's so crazy, because it feels real, right? | ||
| That's why dreams, like especially lucid dreams, trip you out, because it feels real. | ||
| It feels real, but I like that... | ||
| Like when you dream like a really weird dream, you just accept the reality of like, like when I remember a dream, I'll be like, yeah, I just totally was in this dream and just accepted that I was like riding a rabbit, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like over a fucking skyscraper to like save Katy Perry's face or something. | ||
| I just totally accept it. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, this is what I'm doing. | ||
| Look at that fucking beard, that fabulous Morrison beard. | ||
| People didn't have beards back then either. | ||
| When he grew this beard, the video is him and a... | ||
| A fucking beautiful old Mustang. | ||
| Being a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Yeah, beards were like considered rogue back then. | ||
| Oh yeah, he was as rogue as it came, man. | ||
| Dude used to pull his dick out on stage. | ||
| Went to jail for it. | ||
| He's driving to the Tempe Improv right there. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| He was gonna go see Joey. | ||
| How do we know what really goes on when you're asleep for eight hours? | ||
| How do we know when you're out cold, when you're out, right? | ||
| How the fuck do we know what's actually happening? | ||
| What's going on in these dream states? | ||
| Because you only remember a fraction of the time you're out, right? | ||
| There's a fraction of the time. | ||
| What if dreams aren't fake? | ||
| What if they're just some alternative reality that you occasionally Intermingle with when you're conscious or unconscious rather like when you go into a dream state Maybe that's just like the shadow of something that just happened that was real Maybe you have like these these moments that seem like eight hours to you or five hours to you But you're really interfacing with some completely different timeline and some completely different reality and And the world is pliable. | ||
| It's not locked down like rocks aren't rocks and water isn't water, but everything's fluid and changing constantly. | ||
| And that's why when you're in these dreams, you freak out because all of a sudden like the physics of reality are gone. | ||
| You're walking through walls. | ||
| I've like snapped two into it, maybe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There might be a war. | ||
| Look, just the fact that this world exists in the state that it exists in. | ||
| This world is very, very bizarre. | ||
| If it wasn't real, if reality wasn't real, if we all lived in some sort of a black and white print version of life, and then you got to experience the life that you and I know, doing stand-up and being in LA and flying in planes and using the internet and experiencing life in the 21st century, in 2017, you would be like, this is the craziest psychedelic trip. | ||
| If you went to Times Square And you'd never experienced anything like human culture. | ||
| And you went to Times Square. | ||
| You would be freaking the fuck out. | ||
| Yeah, that'd be insane. | ||
| It would be insane. | ||
| We're just so used to it. | ||
| We're so used to it, we don't realize how bizarre the actual world is. | ||
| So it's possible that these dream worlds, that these are just different worlds that you tap into when you conk out. | ||
| Every night is a different world be could be infinite could be you're running a series of lives Like you have multiple lives going on and your decisions you make in this conscious life affect all of them And maybe you have other lives when you're asleep that are conscious when you're awake But much like you're asleep and you don't remember what the fuck is going on when they're asleep They don't remember what the fuck is going on and you interface you might not just be Nick Swartzen and Stand-up comedian. | ||
| You might be an entity that interfaces with multiple different dimensions in the night. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| And you just don't remember it, just like you don't remember sleeping. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| You don't remember dreaming. | ||
| You don't remember a lot of shit that happens when you're conked out for eight hours, right? | ||
| Well, they probably don't remember when you're awake. | ||
| And you're interfacing. | ||
| You're not just shutting off. | ||
| Like, your brain wants to, everything needs to shut off so that your other self in this other dimension can interact. | ||
| And can go about its its world and maybe eight hours to it is a month or a week to us. | ||
| We don't even fucking know Maybe that's a huge important part of being a person is that other world has to has to coincide with it Maybe that's why Michael Jackson died Because they gave him that shit that conked him out that didn't you don't dream under that shit They would basically put him under anesthesia every night and he wouldn't get to interface with the other world Alright, I gotta go. | ||
| No, you never know. | ||
| I might have got too high. | ||
| I'm fascinated by dreams. | ||
| They fucking are weird, man. | ||
| But I mean, yeah, maybe they do mean something. | ||
| Maybe there's another... | ||
| Most likely not. | ||
| I mean, yeah, I think maybe I'm just covered in spiders and screaming. | ||
| I think that's basically literal. | ||
| You work out stuff in your dreams sometimes. | ||
|
unidentified
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I work out stuff, but I don't work out. | |
| Ever? | ||
| I never go to the gym in dreams. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| I've never fucking ever worked out in a dream. | ||
| I've never done that either. | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| I just realized that. | ||
| I used to throw kicks in my dreams. | ||
| I used to, like, when I was young, especially. | ||
| Like, girlfriends would complain. | ||
| I would, like, twitch. | ||
| I would, like, literally, like, throw a kick. | ||
| Remember when Bill Burr made jokes about it, like, sounded like a Bruce Springsteen song? | ||
| Throwing kicks in the night? | ||
| It was like an old Ice House Chronicles. | ||
| We went on a whole rant about it, but it was really true. | ||
| A lot of guys have that problem, like fighters have that problem. | ||
| Dude, my fucking old roommate in New York, we couldn't wake him up. | ||
| You had to throw something at him from across the room and then hide. | ||
| Because he would wake up in an immediate melee. | ||
| It was immediately, like, game time. | ||
| And we found out the hard way. | ||
| We were like, hey, wake up. | ||
| And it was just, ding, ding, ding! | ||
| And it was just like, RUN! And it would take him, like, fucking, like, 15 seconds to, like, come back down. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, so I don't know what- Every day? | ||
| Every fucking day. | ||
| What if an alarm clock woke him up? | ||
| He wakes up swinging or no? | ||
| It has to be a person? | ||
| It would have to be a person. | ||
| That's why I just put an alarm clock next to him. | ||
| Well, you couldn't afford it. | ||
| We were the alarm clock. | ||
| The bloody alarm clock. | ||
| Some people don't like to be woken up, man. | ||
| They get super mad at you. | ||
| And other people just chill. | ||
| Like, hey, what's up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's going on, man? | ||
| Why are you guys waking me up? | ||
| Hey, man. | ||
| Why are you naked? | ||
| Ever seen someone get knocked out? | ||
| And they ask questions? | ||
| They think, like, what's going on here? | ||
| It's the weirdest thing. | ||
| Like, why are you guys here? | ||
| Like, why are you guys staring at me? | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| I've seen it before, but I've never... | ||
| Not in front of me. | ||
| Dude, it's weird. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| The brain, the human brain, when it gets shut off and then comes back on, it's almost like an old Windows 95 computer when it reboots and you see the DOS thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, you see the... | ||
| What is that? | ||
| The black with the white screen? | ||
| The boot screen? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it the DAW screen? | ||
| And then it would take a long time to boot up and it'd be all janky and shit, and you wouldn't be able to click on the internet yet. | ||
| It was like, when you get clanged, like, I imagine football players, it's the same thing, but they oftentimes don't remember shit. | ||
| They don't remember anything that happened. | ||
| They might not even remember, like, getting into the ring. | ||
| They might not remember any of it. | ||
| Well, I was gonna say, I mean, you've seen so many fighters go through it. | ||
| Do they... | ||
| Do they ever remember the knockout? | ||
| Some of them do, yeah. | ||
| Some of them remember everything. | ||
| They remember seeing like, oh fuck, like that last moment where he's like, he caught me, and then they're just out. | ||
| Yeah, they remember getting hit. | ||
| They remember what hit him. | ||
| Some of them. | ||
| Some of them don't remember anything. | ||
| That's the thing about brain damage. | ||
| It's completely variable. | ||
| It's variable, like there's some guys that just, they've been knocked out a ton of times, and they're okay. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Alistair Overeem is a perfect example. | ||
| He's been knocked out a gang of times, and he's fine. | ||
| At least he appears to be. | ||
| He's very lucid, very articulate. | ||
| I mean, he's got his composure. | ||
| But after fights, he doesn't. | ||
| When you get cracked, he got knocked out when he fought Stipe Miocic. | ||
| And this is not his fault. | ||
| And I said after this that I don't think we should interview fighters anymore after they get knocked out. | ||
| Because he said that he thought that Stipe tapped. | ||
| He thought he had the guillotine and Stipe tapped. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So he was saying that in the replay. | ||
| So we had to play the replay back because we didn't know if he was right. | ||
| I'm like, we'll play it. | ||
| Because he was saying this to me while I was interviewing him. | ||
| That's wild. | ||
| And so we played it and you couldn't see the tap. | ||
| I think he believed it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it was just because he just got knocked out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, that's not a good idea to interview people after they get knocked out. | ||
| It's a terrible idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Terrible idea. | |
| And I had thought it before. | ||
| But I never, I really, you know, it's like, I just felt, I felt bad. | ||
| Like, I had to play the video. | ||
| Because he said that it happened. | ||
| So if he said that it happened, my job as an interviewer is to play that video. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I just expected him to say something along the lines of, you know, I thought I had him, you know, if you could remember the fight. | ||
| I thought I had him, but he got him, he got me, fair play to him. | ||
| You know, the normal stuff. | ||
| Give them a chance to represent themselves. | ||
| So when that was going on, I was like, okay, this is not fair. | ||
| This is like, he just got knocked out cold. | ||
| There's no way, like, three minutes later. | ||
| Yeah, no way. | ||
| No way. | ||
| And then everybody gets mad at him for that. | ||
| You know, you can't get mad at someone for that. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's too weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So this study came out today. | ||
| Brendan Schaub sent it to me, because he's freaking out. | ||
| It said that, what is it? | ||
| Something like 97%? | ||
| Okay, they examined 111 former NFL players. | ||
| Only one didn't have CTE. Wow. | ||
| Not only that, they found that 87% of people who play football at any level had CTE. This is what's really crazy. | ||
| Men who played football at all levels, all levels, from like, so I assume that's got to mean like high school. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's including high school. | |
| Well, yeah, that's got to mean. | ||
| And who was that guy, Jamie? | ||
| We talked about this before. | ||
| Forgive me for... | ||
| I'm not a football fan. | ||
| I like football, but just don't know enough about it. | ||
| Who was that guy that jumped on the car? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chris Henry was his name. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy was young and like a super stud athlete, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Might have been like 25, 26, something like that. | |
| When they did an autopsy on him, they found he had severe CTE. It was like, this guy's brain is wrecked. | ||
| See if you can pull that study up because people were super shocked because he was in his prime. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he was in his prime and he was a super athlete. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| I mean, Jamie, you know a lot about football. | ||
| How much of a badass was he? | ||
| Oh, as far as like top wide receivers, he wasn't maybe like in the top 10, but he was growing. | ||
| No, but he was starting to come into his own, man. | ||
| He died in a traffic accident, had chronic traumatic encephalopathy. | ||
| I always fuck that up. | ||
| Encephalopathy. Encephalopathy. Encephalopathy. Encephalopathy. Encephalopathy. Encephalopathy. | ||
| Encephalopathy. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Oh my god, it's got to be neurosurgeons going crazy right now. | ||
| Shut the fuck up, you idiots! | ||
| You can't even pronounce a word. | ||
| A form of degenerative brain damage caused by multiple hits to the head. | ||
| At the time of his death, according to the scientist at Brain Injury Research Center, a research center affiliated with West Virginia University, the guy says, in quotes, we would have been very happy if the results had been negative, but multiple areas of Chris Henry's brain showed CTE. And then they go into details about it. | ||
| So you gotta think, like, here's a guy who's in his prime, 28 years old, right? | ||
| Just bad motherfucker. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| And he's not showing any signs of, like, falling apart. | ||
| And he's got CTE. CTE. That's scary. | ||
| Well, I mean, it makes you think, too. | ||
| I mean, I talked about that with a lot of my friends. | ||
| I'm a big NFL dude, diehard football fan. | ||
| And we were talking the other day, like, does it continue? | ||
| I mean, like, 25 years from now... | ||
| It deteriorates for a lot of these guys. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm saying, like, does the NFL... Oh, I see what you're saying. | ||
| Does the NFL continue? | ||
| I mean, at some point, these studies and these things are going to come out, and it's just going to be... | ||
| You know, it's horrifying. | ||
| I think you're better off fighting. | ||
| I think you can get knocked out in fighting, and you definitely get brain damage in fighting, but I think if you become like a Mighty Mouse, like if you get to a skill level that very few people get to, when you're at a super elite skill level, I think you probably take less damage. | ||
| It's hard to say because there's been some fucking wars with elite. | ||
| I mean, the Mighty Mouse thing might be a bad example because he's so fucking good A lot of his fights are just mismatches. | ||
| It's not like there's another Mighty Mouse out there that's trying to fuck him. | ||
| Everyone can't be the Mighty Mouse. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| There's going to be various levels of competency across the board. | ||
| But if you could fight the way that guy fights... | ||
| He's not a brawler. | ||
| He's not doing anything stupid. | ||
| He's not just biting on his mouthpiece and throwing bombs. | ||
| He's super technical in his approach. | ||
| He's a consummate professional and a strategic wizard in how he approaches interacting with guys. | ||
| Ooh, I almost... | ||
| Strategically wizard all over myself. | ||
| See how I caught that though? | ||
| You almost wizarded all over your tits. | ||
| But what he does is just probably the safest way to do it. | ||
| The smartest way to do it. | ||
| Because he's just so competent that he's not getting hit. | ||
| And his tactics are so clever and so skillful that he's able to avoid a lot of big bombs that come his way. | ||
| Football players aren't avoiding shit. | ||
| No, you're getting hit. | ||
| Everyone's getting hit. | ||
| You're getting hit. | ||
| There's no Mighty Mouse in the football world, right? | ||
| If you're a linebacker, you're fucking hitting people. | ||
| They're hitting you, you're hitting them, period. | ||
| If you're on the line, it's non-stop. | ||
| Dude, not just that. | ||
| It's not even getting hit in the head. | ||
| They're saying doing this, like slamming into each other causes brain damage. | ||
| Any of that stuff jerks your neck and jerks your head and all that stuff. | ||
| Just the sheer impact. | ||
| What are you going to show me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is the alternative. | |
| They just started this weekend. | ||
| This is like the pilot, what they're calling the American Flag Football League. | ||
| So there's like some former NFL players in this. | ||
| Why don't they just blow guys on the field? | ||
| I don't know if this is going to be interesting enough. | ||
| Get this off the air. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's not football. | ||
| That was depressing. | ||
| Why'd you show that? | ||
| You can't have that. | ||
| That guy knows while he's doing it. | ||
| Quick, put on figure skating. | ||
| Put on figure skating real quick. | ||
| We need to get something more manly. | ||
| Do you have any rhythmic gymnastics? | ||
| I like their helmets, or lack thereof, though. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I think that's very smart. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Those are rugby helmets. | ||
| Those are rugby helmets. | ||
| They're not really helmets. | ||
| They're headgear. | ||
| They more protect your ears. | ||
| They're probably going to help them if they hit the ground, maybe, I guess. | ||
| Maybe a little bit. | ||
| I would just wear earmuffs. | ||
| They used to have those things when I competed in the Taekwondo days. | ||
| The guys got knocked out, and one of the real horrible things was they got kicked in the head and knocked out. | ||
| They're usually out cold, and their head would bounce off the ground. | ||
| So depending upon where the fight was taking place, most of the time there was no surface. | ||
| We would fight on an actual basketball court. | ||
| There's a video of me fighting on an actual basketball court. | ||
| You can see the lines on the court. | ||
| It's solid wood. | ||
| And then you'd kick a guy, and they'd fall back, and their head would bounce off the wood. | ||
| And it was terrible. | ||
| Some people got knocked out, and it was horrible. | ||
| So they started making people wear... | ||
| First, it was a headgear that you could just wear on the back of your head. | ||
| Literally just to protect you when you get knocked out so that your head didn't bounce off. | ||
| And then some guys, they started making you, some guys voluntarily did it. | ||
| They started making you wear the bigger, all-inclusive helmet. | ||
| So it's a big foam protectant around your head. | ||
| Like the thing you buy at football games? | ||
| Like a foam? | ||
| No, it's like, you can find it, pull up Taekwondo headgear. | ||
| It's like your face is exposed, but like you have like these things that cover your ears and the foam all over the top of your head. | ||
| That's what it looks like. | ||
| That's exactly what it looks like. | ||
| There's an Adidas one. | ||
| So it's like you see how it's got the foam around the ears and the foam on the top of the head. | ||
| Your face is completely exposed and most... | ||
| I don't know what that one is. | ||
| That's not a type of window. | ||
| It's like a European Friday the 13th. | ||
| The one you had on is perfect. | ||
| That's a real Taekwondo mask, the white one. | ||
| Or that red one. | ||
| There's an Adidas one. | ||
| Yeah, so those are World Taekwondo Federation ones. | ||
| Some of the International Taekwondo Federation ones, those tournaments, a lot of them they did differently and they stuck old school a lot of times. | ||
| I remember they still had the... | ||
| The wood floors and there was no headgear. | ||
| But I think they probably change them as time goes on. | ||
| But those headgears were designed really mostly to protect you when you got knocked out from your head bouncing off the ground. | ||
| Then they started making people fight on pads too after a while. | ||
| They changed the flooring. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, pads is key. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Don't fight on fucking hardwood. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I fought on a fucking cement hockey rink. | ||
| A hockey rink that didn't have any water in it. | ||
| They put a tarp down. | ||
| My God. | ||
| They put a tarp down and we fought on concrete. | ||
| It was horrible. | ||
| Why put the tarp down at that point? | ||
| I saw two people get knocked out, too. | ||
| And one dude who got knocked out, his eyebrow bounced off the concrete. | ||
| Like, you know, there was basically just, like, whatever the bottom of an ice skating rink would be. | ||
| It was for the Bay State Games, too. | ||
| It was a big tournament. | ||
| It was a big deal, because the Bay State Games is the Olympic Festival, and it was the first time, and I think only time, they ever had Taekwondo in it. | ||
| If I was gonna guess, I think I was 19, so it was like 86. So, uh, these guys, yeah, there's one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just Googled Taekwondo tournament. | |
| There's all these kids on a hardwood floor right here. | ||
| See, this might be a tournament where they spar, or it might be a tournament where they, well, that looks like they have headgear on the ground, right? | ||
| They have forms, that little red thing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, those are headgears. | ||
| What's the bar behind it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck that is. | ||
| Is that like a floaty for a pool? | ||
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| That might be a different kind of tournament. | ||
| It might be a point tournament. | ||
| I think it's floaty fighting. | ||
| It's a new sport that comes out. | ||
| Dildo whipping. | ||
| So, I was thinking about this this past weekend. | ||
| I was talking to somebody about that Brown Bunny movie. | ||
| We've talked about that movie before. | ||
| That's that Vincent Gallo movie where he actually got his dick sucked. | ||
| Was it with Chloe Sevigny? | ||
| Ooh, you said it perfect. | ||
| I've never said it right, ever. | ||
| I'm very theatrical, Joe. | ||
| You are, dude. | ||
| Sevigny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sevigny. | |
| Yeah, and we're talking about how that fucked his career, for sure. | ||
| And probably fucked her career for a few years, too, right? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, he was so promising to be like a lead gargoyle. | ||
| But he was a weird freaky dude. | ||
| Yeah, that guy was so fucking out there. | ||
| I mean, like, I had friends that were friends with him years ago, and they're like, this dude's just on another planet, you know what I mean? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I mean, he got his dick sucked in a movie, for real. | ||
| And he got his dick sucked by a movie star. | ||
| That's not just like getting your dick sucked. | ||
| I mean, she's had a really good career, though. | ||
| She's done a bunch of shit. | ||
| Since then? | ||
| Yeah, that was a while ago. | ||
| So she... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm out of the loop. | ||
| So what has she been in? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| She's one of those chicks that pops up, and she was on an HBO show. | ||
| I think she was on Big Love. | ||
| I feel like I remember... | ||
| She was in a lot of good indie films. | ||
| But I feel like I remember there was some backlash to her in the beginning. | ||
| Am I wrong? | ||
| She was in Kids was her first thing. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| She was in a movie called Three Needles. | ||
| That sounds hilarious. | ||
| Dude, Kids is heavy. | ||
| Yeah, Shattered Glass is dope. | ||
| She's in Party Monster. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was she Jenny, the girl? | |
| The main girl? | ||
| Jenny and Forrest Gump? | ||
| No, kids. | ||
| Jenny and Forrest Gump. | ||
| And Forrest Gump fucked her on camera. | ||
| I don't remember kids. | ||
| I just remember being in town. | ||
| Yeah, she was the chick that got AIDS? Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I think so, yeah. | ||
| At the end, there's that scene where the dude fucks her while she's asleep. | ||
| She's like, don't worry, Jenny, it's just me, Casper. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she's got AIDS, and the idea is she gave him AIDS. Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Joke's on you, screenwriters. | ||
| What was the dude's name? | ||
| Tully? | ||
| Tully. | ||
| Yeah, and he was in The Wire. | ||
| Yeah, everybody said that I looked like him when I was in high school. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| I was like, great. | ||
| Click on that? | ||
| What year was that movie? | ||
| Yeah, she wasn't Boys Don't Cry, American Psycho. | ||
| She's done some shit, dude. | ||
| Yeah, but when did all that stuff happen? | ||
| Like, when did the Brown Bunny movie happen? | ||
| I don't think it's 2000. No, you just back up. | ||
| It was right there. | ||
| Go back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| There's the list, bro. | ||
| Right up there. | ||
| Yeah, there it is. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So you look at that. | ||
| So she did an Academy Award winning movie, Boys Don't Cry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then she's like, time to fuck. | ||
| No, it looks like time to fuck was before that, no? | ||
| No, Brown Bunny is fucking after Shattered Glass. | ||
| Where's Boys Don't Cry? | ||
| That's down there. | ||
| Oh, it goes lower. | ||
| I'm going the wrong way. | ||
| I was thinking the top was the more recent ones. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's a crazy choice. | ||
| So she's still done a bunch of stuff since Brown Bunny. | ||
| She did Zodiac. | ||
| She was on Will and Great. | ||
| Yeah, she was on Big Love. | ||
| Her agent must be so confused. | ||
| He's like, what do you want to do? | ||
| He had a real backlash, right? | ||
| Vincent Gallo? | ||
| Didn't he? | ||
| I mean, I think he's one of those self-imploding dudes. | ||
| I don't think he was ever really... | ||
| Like, he did Buffalo 66, which is actually a cool movie. | ||
| She never stopped working, so you go 2003, 2004, 2006. Yeah, this chick's been, like, killing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, it didn't impact her negatively. | ||
| Maybe it did. | ||
| I don't know, but she still worked. | ||
| But, you don't really hear about that dude anymore. | ||
| And before that movie, he was like a, he was a big, he was in Buffalo 66, remember that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a great fucking movie. | ||
| I just said that, Joe. | ||
| Did you say that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm so sorry. | ||
| Are you in a dream state? | ||
| I was trying to remember. | ||
| I was trying to remember what we were just talking about. | ||
| Yeah, Buffalo 66 is cool. | ||
| Him and Ricci. | ||
| Dude, I didn't hear you say that. | ||
| I feel embarrassed. | ||
| I wasn't listening to you. | ||
| I'm doing the cardinal sin of conversation. | ||
| I was just struggling with my memory. | ||
| Dude, it's alright, man. | ||
| Ironically enough, after telling you about nootropics. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You might have to wear a helmet now. | ||
| I did yoga today. | ||
| Drained my brain. | ||
| I'm 15% stupider when I do yoga. | ||
| I want to get back and doing yoga. | ||
| 15% stupider in what way? | ||
| For like four or five hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
After? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Just wrecked. | ||
| Yeah, hot yoga. | ||
| My brain cooks. | ||
| My brain cooks. | ||
| I did that once, and then I was like, I'll try it. | ||
| My sister talked me into it. | ||
| And I was 15 minutes into it, and I thought we were done. | ||
| And I was like, alright. | ||
| And then I got up, and I'm like, we have to be done. | ||
| And the woman was like, no, we have another 45 minutes. | ||
| I'm like, well, you fucking do. | ||
| I just got out of there. | ||
| It was so intense. | ||
| I had done yoga a couple times. | ||
| I had gotten cocky. | ||
| I really liked yoga. | ||
| It kind of centered me and chilled me the fuck out. | ||
| And then I tried the hot shit, and it was just not cool, man. | ||
| It was too intense. | ||
| It's intense. | ||
| Like, you definitely... | ||
| I was dizzy and... | ||
| But you know what it is, dude? | ||
| It's not the best if you have to use your brain right afterwards. | ||
| For, like, a really solid, like, three or four hours. | ||
| But it is really good in terms of, like, overall. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, your overall, your health and the way you interface with the world. | ||
| You're way more chilled out if you do it a lot. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, shit. | ||
| So, you did it and then just immediately got in your car and then drove away. | ||
| What else should I do? | ||
| Stay. | ||
| Put a tent up. | ||
| Start camping. | ||
| Start a plot of land. | ||
| Glump. | ||
| I should glump in that area. | ||
| Yeah, I took a shower. | ||
| Got the fuck out of there. | ||
| Got something to eat. | ||
| Did you shower? | ||
| I did. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Got to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think there's something really good for your body though, especially that hot one. | ||
| I think that 104 degrees and stretching out, I just think it makes you more pliable. | ||
| Definitely makes you more flexible. | ||
| Like when you're doing it, you can get into positions that you can't get into when you're cold. | ||
| So that means to me, like there's some sort of a benefit in being like really warm in terms of pliability of the muscle tissue. | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| That's not even a question. | ||
| I mean, it wouldn't be that popular if it weren't, it didn't have some kind of effect. | ||
| Even like, you know, it's like even like getting in any situation when you're cold and stretching or trying to do anything active, it just sucks. | ||
| Sucks, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you can't, you don't perform at your best when it's 80 below zero outside. | ||
| Yeah, like I got a massage the other day and it was freezing, the air conditioning on, and I stopped the guy and I'm like, what the fuck are you doing, man? | ||
| And he was like, what? | ||
| Oh, did you try to get some? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, but I was like, what the fuck, man? | ||
| Like, turn this off. | ||
| A friend of mine, his girlfriend was a masseuse at one of those Burke Williams places or something like that. | ||
| It might not have been that place. | ||
| But it was like a high-end spa place. | ||
| And they had to let one of them dudes go because he was running a whole prostitution ring in there where guys would come in. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And it was like a name-brand place? | ||
| Yeah, like a legit place. | ||
| And he just developed clientele that knew that he would suck their dick. | ||
| He'd give you a massage and suck your dick. | ||
| Like, he just had the market cornered. | ||
| Jeez. | ||
| I guess it was a win-win. | ||
| He liked sucking dick, and he wanted to make some money for massages, so his books were full. | ||
| Fucking Ari. | ||
| Saving up for that land. | ||
| That land ain't gonna pay for itself. | ||
| That land ain't gonna suck itself. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Yeah, so if I can just plug my show, Typical Rick Season 2, already cancelled. | ||
| I already told you that. | ||
| Yeah, you told me that. | ||
| I was just saying, speaking of Artie, and our glowing relationship with Comedy Central. | ||
| At least they gave it a shot. | ||
| How many episodes did I do before you cancelled it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We did two seasons, six episodes each. | |
| Yeah, so you can still watch it, but it's not going further. | ||
| What, is it a surprise to you that they canceled it? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| We had a show that we wanted to do. | ||
| We wanted to bring you on to do something. | ||
| It was called Bro-Sassin. | ||
| And it was about a guy who's raised by an assassin. | ||
| And then the assassin dad feels bad that his son never had a real life. | ||
| He just grew up in an assassin environment in the jungle. | ||
| So he sends him to college and becomes the ultimate frat dude. | ||
| But he moonlights as an assassin still. | ||
| But he's still a frat guy during the day. | ||
| Oh, good. | ||
| And that was me and I would like sleep in the base like in the or in the attic and then I would be an assassin like on the down low at night But I was always too high or hungover or too drunk Wow and we wanted you to be one of the guys that would be a recurring assassin Dude, I'm in Comedy Central bought it in the room and I wrote the script everybody was like this is hilarious And they were like no and then just passed on it. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, I was like alright cool good talk Then I rewrote it for free and they're like yeah, we still don't want to do it. | ||
| I'm like, well, why'd you buy it? | ||
| They're like, I don't know. | ||
| I was like, cool. | ||
| See you guys later. | ||
| Good talk. | ||
| Hello, Netflix. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| Hard being an executive. | ||
| Imagine some of the bad shows that come their way. | ||
| They probably get so confused. | ||
| You know, it's probably like bad cops. | ||
| Like, network executives, like, we get mad at them because they fuck shows up, or they put in their own input, or... | ||
| Do you imagine how many bad shows come their way? | ||
| How many just terrible ones? | ||
| Think about the ones that are on the air. | ||
| Yeah, but there's a... | ||
| And every day, they're like, ah, ah! | ||
| And they're thinking about getting their job fired. | ||
| The show's going to get cancelled. | ||
| People are going to lose money. | ||
| They're going to be out of a job. | ||
| They won't be able to pay their mortgage. | ||
| Like, fuck. | ||
| There's all this pressure on them. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| And they're like, yeah, we'll buy it. | ||
| We'll buy it, Nick. | ||
| We love the show. | ||
| Well, I hate the show. | ||
| I hate it, too. | ||
| Okay, sorry, dude. | ||
| Can't have bro assassins. | ||
| These people are on Adderall. | ||
| They're all tweaking. | ||
| They're working 10, 12 hours a day. | ||
| And Adderall is a lot like meth, if you don't know that, folks. | ||
| One of the key things with people when they do meth is their shit at decision-making. | ||
| Their decision-making turns to shit. | ||
| Cut to headline. | ||
| Joe Rogan says, all network executives are doing meth. | ||
| I wish. | ||
| That's how it works. | ||
| At least a lot of them are on Adderall. | ||
| I have a buddy of mine who's a writer, and he told me everyone's on it. | ||
| I said, really? | ||
| He goes, yeah. | ||
| He goes, I just know, so many journalists are on it. | ||
| So many writers are on it. | ||
| They're all on Adderall. | ||
| Well, especially, I mean, in Los Angeles, just like, in terms of what I've seen socially out and about, I mean, holy shit, every chick is on Adderall. | ||
| It's like, fucking nuts. | ||
| I've never I've done it once and I was just shit-faced somebody gave me and of course I put it in my mouth and then I just I didn't really feel it but You know kind of made me a little bit more alert like kind of cokey, but it wasn't anything special But I have friends that they just they take it constantly. | ||
| Yeah, it depends. | ||
| I'm sure on the dosage. | ||
| I Depends on the person. | ||
| Depends on how you can handle it. | ||
| Maybe some people, it's super beneficial and they can actually handle it. | ||
| I'm not saying it's not. | ||
| I'm just saying, for sure, there's some abuse going on. | ||
| I know people that abuse. | ||
| Well, yeah, I mean, certain things are made for a certain purpose, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, when you make a pill that helps people, like, focus in certain situations. | ||
| ADD folks. | ||
| Yeah, that's not what you fucking take at Coachella with, like, a bottle of fucking Fireball. | ||
| That's not why anybody made it. | ||
| They weren't like, yeah, this is a pill that you take at a music festival with Fireball. | ||
| And just screaming along. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it's for. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The youth of the wild! | |
| What's it called again? | ||
| We are the youth gone wild! | ||
| That's Skid Row. | ||
| Yeah, that's Skid Row, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I tried to karaoke Skid Row once. | ||
| That was a fucking horrible mistake. | ||
| I tried to karaoke that song, I Will Remember You. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll remember, remember yesterday. | |
| And it fucking goes on for like six minutes. | ||
| And I had no larynx. | ||
| I was like crying blood. | ||
| It was horrible. | ||
| I drove by the hotel the other day where Janie Lane died. | ||
| Do you know Janie Lane, the lead singer of Warrant? | ||
| She's my cherry pie. | ||
| He died in the hotel. | ||
| Right over in Woodland Hills. | ||
| How'd he die? | ||
| Um, vegetables. | ||
| He ate too many vegetables. | ||
| No! | ||
| Dude, it was all salads in his house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| His place was filled to the wall with salad. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's fucked up, man. | ||
| He got too healthy. | ||
| He got so healthy. | ||
| It's like when you drink too much water. | ||
| You ever heard of that? | ||
| People dying from drinking too much water? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like frat hazings and shit like that. | ||
| When they have water chugging contests. | ||
| Super bad, folks. | ||
| Do not do that. | ||
| You can get to a state where your body literally can't process all the water inside of it, and you die. | ||
| You can fucking D-I-E die from drinking just water. | ||
| How does it kill you? | ||
| It ruins your organs or your heart? | ||
| I do not know. | ||
| We should find that answer. | ||
| Do you drown? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| Something happens. | ||
| Some sort of toxicity. | ||
| Some effect of the water. | ||
| I shouldn't say toxicity. | ||
| Sounds smart when you say toxicity. | ||
| It's like a good word to throw in if you're in the middle of words. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| We're dealing with a lot of issues and, you know, the random toxicity of the environment. | ||
| Comedy Central. | ||
| Are they gonna keep going with This Is Not Happening without Ari? | ||
| Is that the deal? | ||
| Is they gonna keep it on the air or it's just one season and that's it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's a fucking genius idea. | ||
| What? | ||
| To take him off that show. | ||
| Yeah, it's so fucking weird. | ||
| It's genius. | ||
| What? | ||
| Pull him off of his own show. | ||
| I wish we could talk about why it happened. | ||
| We can't. | ||
| I wonder if we can now that he's got a special on Netflix. | ||
| I have to ask permission. | ||
| But the story is ridiculous. | ||
| It's hard, man. | ||
| Like I said, hard being an executive, hard being what we call a content provider. | ||
| Nick, I believe you're a content provider. | ||
| What have you got to provide with Comedy Central? | ||
| But I mean, I'm just saying in general, I don't think it's that hard if you have talent that is proven that you trust. | ||
| Like, if I had a network and you brought me a show, that would, for me, that would be a 90% chance I would go to pilot for sure. | ||
| Okay, all I need is Nick to become an executive. | ||
| I'm figuring out my career path. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I was playing the odds before. | ||
| They weren't 90-10. | ||
| It wasn't that good. | ||
| It was like, you know, 50-50. | ||
| So I like the odds. | ||
| So do you think you could maybe do that? | ||
| Just quit my... | ||
| For me? | ||
| Yeah, for you, Joe. | ||
| Come on, bro. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I will sign up for Corporate America. | ||
| You're an executive, bro. | ||
| Could you imagine if you just decided, like, I don't like the shows you're picking. | ||
| I'm going to be one of you. | ||
| I've not not thought about doing that because I hear I have so many friends we all this we're all from the same talent pool of comedians and Writers and stuff where like everybody has stories where it's like yeah, I pitched this I'm like that's fucking hilarious like yeah It's fucking they were like no, I don't get it Well, why don't you just start doing shit on your own? | ||
| Because like this thing you did with Simon Rex in particular I feel like you guys could easily do that on your own and put it on YouTube and I bet it would be giant We could. | ||
| I mean, we're going to try to shop it around to a couple other networks. | ||
| But why get involved with other people? | ||
| Well, because we already have established content. | ||
| So we already have two seasons and it's already there. | ||
| So we just need somebody to go like, yeah, we get it. | ||
| Well, do you own it? | ||
| Like you can bring it somewhere else? | ||
| Yeah, because it's just through streaming. | ||
| Which, you know, Comedy Central was obviously cool enough to give us that. | ||
| And then all the executives got fired. | ||
| Except for one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because of that? | |
| Well, no, not because of that. | ||
| They found your deal. | ||
| They're like, what the fuck did you give him? | ||
| Jesus Christ, he's just gonna drink it away. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why'd you do that? | |
| He's gonna go crazy. | ||
| He's gonna go on vacation. | ||
| Have you heard about his dreams? | ||
| He's a liability, man. | ||
| He's kind of crazy, man. | ||
| Yeah, man, you gotta do it yourself. | ||
| You know, it's not their fault, even. | ||
| It's like, counting on them to know what the fuck they're doing. | ||
| If they know what the fuck they're doing, would they really be a TV executive? | ||
| Who wants to do that? | ||
| How many people want to do that? | ||
| They might think they want to do it, but once you realize the stress involved, fuck all that, man. | ||
| It doesn't seem that complicated, though. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude! | |
| I don't think so. | ||
| I mean, if you have people that... | ||
| You can get lucky. | ||
| Someone could bring you Seinfeld and Friends and, you know, the, whatever. | ||
| Name some other show. | ||
| Bring some big-ass Frasier, some big-ass sitcom. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
| Perfect example. | ||
| And you look like a goddamn genius. | ||
| He's the guy who got cheers in the air. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| But you could have just got lucky. | ||
| They could have brought you the fucking Sex and the City or the Single Guy or a lot of sitcoms that everybody forgot. | ||
| They could have brought you a lot of bullshit. | ||
| Toilet, the musical. | ||
| There was a lot of bads. | ||
| Coach, you know? | ||
| Remember Coach? | ||
| I like Coach. | ||
| Shut the fuck up, man. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you, man? | ||
| I had a bad experience. | ||
| Well, that's you. | ||
| Don't put that on Coach. | ||
| The guy was a writer for that show on a sitcom that I did. | ||
| It's like, whoa. | ||
| They just hacked it up. | ||
| Hacked it up. | ||
| Just swinging with the old double-edged broadsword. | ||
| Choo! | ||
| I would say, but that's a different conversation. | ||
| A network major, like in one of those main NBC, CBS, that's so arbitrary on what's going to be a hit. | ||
| Yeah, but what they bring you, like, is your, I mean, obviously, I'm saying come out and get involved with talented people. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| But even talented people occasionally create turds. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Right, so if you're... | ||
| It's all a crapshoot, I'm not saying... | ||
| Fuck it is. | ||
| But I'm saying there's different levels of, like, what could... | ||
| What's got a better chance? | ||
| If you bring something with a vision, and you're passionate about it, I would go, okay, Joe is bringing me this impassioned idea that I think is funny, I'll give him a pilot. | ||
| The thing is about shows, this is the really hard part about shows, you're developing them while you're presenting them. | ||
| So, like, the show starts out, it's a new show, you're trying to develop the characters, you develop the way they interact with each other, while you're putting it on the air, like, creating it and putting it on the air. | ||
| Like, as time goes on, things get, like, you saw, like, Seinfeld, like, in the later years, or Friends is a perfect example. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Everybody knew the characters, everybody just flowed together, you knew, like, even though there were new scripts, like, the thing was so established, like, what was funny about it and how it worked... | ||
| When you're creating a new show, they're always, like, firing people. | ||
| Like, that Kevin James show. | ||
| Like, they change out, they'll swap out the wife, and, like, they did it on Bewitched, get her out, bring a new one in, and if you need a black neighbor, like, okay, you need a gay friend. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, when it's not working, everybody wants to throw their fucking jizz into the soup mix, like, I know the fucking perfect thing, this is missing. | ||
| And that's what happens with those shows, right? | ||
| They all just get to be... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jizz souped. | |
| They just get all these different opinions until they take out, like South Park. | ||
| They don't listen to shit. | ||
| They don't listen to anything, but that's my point, is that if you comment... | ||
| Major networks is different. | ||
| Like, the cable networks, they have a little bit more leeway, where it's like, you know, if somebody comes in with... | ||
| If talent comes in with a strong idea and a strong script and a strong vision and stuff like that, I think that's different. | ||
| With networks, you're getting a bunch of major showrunners with an idea and they're trying to fit into a formula. | ||
| That's different. | ||
| It's still hard. | ||
| It's still hard, but I'm just saying there's different percentages of it. | ||
| Yeah, no, for sure. | ||
| I mean, South Park came in and they were like, I mean, I remember stories where they were like, they didn't get any notes. | ||
| They were like, they don't even live here, I don't think. | ||
| I think they live in Colorado or something. | ||
| They were just like, yeah, well, we're gonna make this show and just, like, stay the fuck away. | ||
| That's probably a good move. | ||
| I think they're from Evergreen. | ||
| It's like one of my favorite places ever. | ||
| Did you ever see the original one with What Would Brian Boitano Do? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| That is, that's how they got started, and that is to this day like one of the funniest fucking things I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| When someone gave it to me, it was actually a girl I was dating. | ||
| She was an agent's assistant, and she got a VHS copy of it, and she brought it over my house, and we watched together, and we were fucking crying, just falling on the ground crying. | ||
| It was so silly. | ||
| And Jesus versus Santa. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Yeah, that was insane. | ||
| I did the same thing. | ||
| I got the VHS tape in like 1996, I want to say. | ||
| That's exactly when, that's the time, somewhere around there. | ||
| And I had that VHS and I would watch it and I was like, what? | ||
| This is insane. | ||
| God, it was amazing. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| And it's kind of funny because it's like much more shitty animation and drawing, even in the current one, which is crazy hard to believe. | ||
| You know, you watch it, it's like, you're watching like ancient... | ||
| Like ancient cave art of Jesus or something. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's weird when you're seeing this old way they used to draw everybody in comparison to the new... | ||
| The voices are so good. | ||
| Oh, he's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, they're genius. | ||
| Those guys are amazing. | ||
| Trey Parker did the voice in this new... | ||
| What was the fucking animated show that I watched? | ||
| He did the voice of someone... | ||
| And then a Despicable Me. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Despicable Me. | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I saw it with my kids. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Those Despicable Me shows... | ||
| They're all really good. | ||
| Even if you're a full-grown adult, they are fucking fun movies. | ||
| Like, my kids love them, but I actually love them. | ||
| They're fun. | ||
| Those movies are good, man. | ||
| You saw the third one? | ||
| I saw them all. | ||
| I saw the first two. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've seen them multiple times. | |
| I have kids, bro. | ||
| I've seen them multiple times. | ||
| How old are your kids now? | ||
| I saw Underwear Man. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah, Captain Underpants or something like that, I think it was. | ||
| Underwear Man. | ||
| There's a show called Captain Underpants. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They made a movie out of it. | ||
| I'm probably not going to see that by myself. | ||
| That'd be super weird. | ||
| Some guy just watching Captain Underpants. | ||
| They make good fucking kids movies today. | ||
| Those Despicable Me movies are good movies. | ||
| Yeah, they're really well made. | ||
| The third one holds up. | ||
| Third one holds up. | ||
| Alright! | ||
| Might be the strongest one. | ||
| A lot of people don't like the minions one. | ||
| They're like, I'm tired of those little fuckers. | ||
| Like, they need the other guy, Gru, to balance out the minions. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can't just have the minions. | ||
| Minions went rogue. | ||
| Yeah, they're just all minions. | ||
| Cocky fucking assholes. | ||
| People didn't like it. | ||
| I found it. | ||
| I think it was good. | ||
| I enjoyed it. | ||
| I found it entertaining. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| Fuck the minions. | ||
| Well, like Toy Story, dude. | ||
| Toy Story 3 was like one of the best movies I've ever seen. | ||
| I started crying. | ||
| Yeah, it was good. | ||
| Yeah, I wept. | ||
| Yeah, there's like some dark moments when the teddy bear is trying to fucking throw them into the incinerator. | ||
| Yeah, that was intense. | ||
| That's intense shit. | ||
| Lots of bear, lots of hugging bear. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Did you ever see Babe, the Talking Pig movie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Did you ever see Babe, Pig in the City, part two? | ||
| I don't think I'd suck around for that. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| See that movie. | ||
| They decided to take the Talking Pig, like, broad farm movie, throw him in the city, where some of the dogs are prostitutes... | ||
| It goes so fucking rogue. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You'll love it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I'll text you and remind you. | ||
| Oh my god, please do. | ||
| Babe pig in the city. | ||
| And there was a big outrage because it was so, like, aggressive and weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It's super dark and trippy. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Babe pig. | ||
| They're prostitute dogs? | ||
| I swear to god. | ||
| Yeah, it's nuts. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's one of the hooker dogs. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| In the pink. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| Look at that harlot. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| How weird are dogs, man? | ||
| They used to be wolves. | ||
| They scare the shit out of me. | ||
| You figured out a way to turn them into that and have them live with us? | ||
| I think about that when I'm around my dog. | ||
| I got a new dog recently, seven months old now. | ||
| I got him a few months back and he's a golden retriever. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It is the least wolf-like dog that has ever existed on the planet. | ||
| This dog has like zero aggression in him. | ||
| Like even when he play fights, Like a play fight with another dog, there's like zero threat of anybody getting hurt. | ||
| It's like there's the mellowest, calmest, and you gotta think like somehow or another people figured out how to take a wolf and slowly whittle it down until you make that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| What was he eating? | ||
| They probably gave him some weird fucking shit to mess with his brain. | ||
| No, it's just breeding. | ||
| They figured out a way. | ||
| I mean, I think that life is crazy pliable. | ||
| And where you have the best chance of success, I mean, obviously this is not my theory, but where life has the best chance of success, it kind of molds itself to that. | ||
| Whether it's by putting people in colder climates, making their skin lighter so they get more vitamin D because there's no sun out. | ||
| So you're saying it's atmosphere related? | ||
| It could be, yeah, and the atmosphere of a dog is, the only way a dog got food, it had to be super cool with people. | ||
| So the dogs that were cool with people are the ones that stuck around, and they kept breeding and breeding, and the ones that are the coolest with the people are the ones that got fed, and the other ones got shot and killed, They didn't get the breed. | ||
| So it's always like the ones that are the coolest with the people. | ||
| They got closer and closer to the campfire, and they got the scraps thrown their way. | ||
| It was a sweet deal. | ||
| You bark, and they're cool with you, and they give you free food. | ||
| And you keep the fucking wolves and the bears from eating them. | ||
| And you bark, bark, bark when anything comes, and they can be alert. | ||
| That was the whole deal with people and wolves and dogs. | ||
| And so they figured out a way over countless generations to turn that wolf into this fucking dog, like into a poodle. | ||
| Like, they figured out how to do that. | ||
| I mean, it's just, life adapts. | ||
| It finds some weird ways through, and next thing you know, you're holding a French bulldog. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| That used to be a wolf? | ||
| Like, a wolf got whittled down to it. | ||
| I mean, no disrespect to French bulldogs. | ||
| They're adorable. | ||
| I love those little dogs. | ||
| But it's like, how the fuck did that even happen? | ||
| Yeah, you never see, like, stone, like, cave drawings of poodles. | ||
| They didn't exist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It literally didn't exist. | ||
| With, like, perfect pom-pom, like, ankles and shit. | ||
| You know what they found out about dogs that's really fucked up is that all of them came from wolves. | ||
| They thought there was, like, that, like, dogs came from, like, a bunch of different wild canids, you know, a bunch of different, like, African dogs and different dogs. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| All of them came from wolves. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| That's super weird. | ||
| Dude! | ||
| Well, then a wolf, like, fucked a frog or something, because there's no way a fucking bulldog just comes from a wolf. | ||
| It does. | ||
| Slowly but surely, over thousands of years, they turn a wolf into a bulldog. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| Are we gonna go back to wolves, do you think? | ||
| We could turn it to jello, for sure. | ||
| We could turn it to some cube-like thing that sits in a hard form that we carry around. | ||
| If people found out, hey man, you can't break your bones if you don't have any, you can move things telekinetically now and everyone's gonna fit into this fucking cube, and we just would be this square thing with no bones, just slops right into this... | ||
| Just indestructible plastic barrier that you can carry around in life until you wanted to fuck. | ||
| And then when you wanted to fuck, you guys would get close to the bed and then you would just ooze out on top of each other. | ||
| You would like open your doors together and just ooze on top of each other. | ||
| That's my entire family in Arkansas that you just described. | ||
| Did they do that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it pills? | ||
| It's everything. | ||
| Pills got them. | ||
| Skittles. | ||
| Dogs scare me because a dog bit my balls when I was a kid. | ||
| I was playing wiffle ball in my front yard, and I'll never forget it, and I rounded third, and a dog lashed out and punctured my scrotum. | ||
| And I ran into the house, and I pulled my pants down, and my mom started screaming. | ||
| So dogs have always, to this day, every time I walk past a dog, I'm horrified. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| Yeah, not cool. | ||
| Yeah, that ain't cool. | ||
| Maybe I will be a jello guy. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| No balls to worry about. | ||
| It's a better path than getting bit in the nuts by a dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you have no organs, okay? | ||
| Nothing can break down. | ||
| You're just a giant hive of tissue. | ||
| And everything now is a dream. | ||
| But it's a dream that you can control. | ||
| They've gotten to the point where you don't need a physical structure. | ||
| You don't need skulls and organs and livers. | ||
| All that stuff is handled... | ||
| Exogenously. | ||
| They bring in things. | ||
| They bring in like these connections, these tubes that link up to you. | ||
| And then slowly our bodies devolve to the point where we don't have organs anymore. | ||
| We rely on all our organ functions to be handled outside of the body by machines because it's way more efficient and allows you to stay in the dream state and control your life. | ||
| Do you have eyes? | ||
| No, dude. | ||
| There's no need. | ||
| You see way better in the dream state. | ||
| You have a mass of cells that somehow or another contains consciousness that interfaces with the dream state 24-7. | ||
| Can I wear a hat? | ||
| You can, but it doesn't matter. | ||
| You don't have a head. | ||
| It's like a hat on a table. | ||
| Can I be a jello shot? | ||
| You can, but, you know, there's not a lot of juice there. | ||
| You want to be a big, fat tube, like a garbage dumpster filled with cells. | ||
| The more cells, maybe you have the more horsepower in the dream dimension. | ||
| Right, that's hot. | ||
| That makes sense, right? | ||
| Yeah, obviously. | ||
| Well, we're definitely devolving, right? | ||
| If you look at other primates, like primitive primates, you'll get orangutans and gorillas, and they would fuck us up. | ||
| We're so weak compared to them, right? | ||
| So we're obviously the weakest by far of all the primates, other than little tiny monkeys. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| So, by far, our bodies have gotten weaker and doughier and less capable, and, like, our tendons are not the same. | ||
| They're so much stronger than us. | ||
| So there's something that's happening to our body where it's getting, like, smoother and softer and weaker. | ||
| And they have a plant-based diet, which is even crazier. | ||
| Gorillas do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Chimps eat the fuck out of everything, though. | ||
| They're more closer to us. | ||
| They're horrifying. | ||
| Remember that story about the guy who brought his chimp a birthday cake? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| And the monkey attacked him and then bit his nose off his fingers and ripped his penis off? | ||
| Yeah, bit his fingers off. | ||
| Bit his fingers off and his nose. | ||
| You know the story? | ||
| Yeah, they tore his face apart. | ||
| He was jealous. | ||
| The chimp that attacked him was jealous because he brought a birthday cake to a chimp that used to be his. | ||
| See, the chimp used to be his, and it was the worst... | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Is that the story? | ||
| The chimp used to be his, and he brought the chimp to a sanctuary when it got older, because as they get older, they get super sketchy. | ||
| They start biting people's fingers off and shit. | ||
| They're not as docile. | ||
| No, they get super aggressive. | ||
| And the consequences of them being aggressive are so ferocious. | ||
| Don't show me any pictures, please. | ||
| I don't even want to see it. | ||
| Yeah, it's horrible. | ||
| He had to give up the chimp, but the chimp loved him still. | ||
| So he'd go visit him on his birthday and he brought him a cake. | ||
| Well, the other chimps saw that they didn't get a cake. | ||
| And someone fucked up and left some doors open. | ||
| And the chimps opened the doors and just fucked him up because he didn't give him a cake. | ||
| That's all it was. | ||
| Because he didn't give him a cake. | ||
| They tore his fingers off. | ||
| They tore his dick off. | ||
| Just because they didn't give him a cake. | ||
| Was it the idea? | ||
| Was it because of the cake or was it the fire? | ||
| No, fairness. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It was a fairness issue. | ||
| They were jealous that he gave the cake to the one chimp and they didn't get any cake. | ||
| And they were fucking furious. | ||
| And you're also dealing with these chimps that are contained in this artificial environment. | ||
| They don't need freedom. | ||
| They want to lash out anyway. | ||
| And they directly associate people with being their captors. | ||
| You know, the people are the ones that keep them in there. | ||
| The people are the ones that feed them. | ||
| The people are the ones that control them. | ||
| And then if they can get out and fuck up the person that doesn't give them a birthday cake... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, the worst aspects of people magnified times a hundred. | ||
| Like, you could see it right in front of us. | ||
| Like, yeah, this is what we used to be. | ||
| This is how we got to 2017. You had to be fucking ferocious. | ||
| You couldn't be like, hey man, I'm just here to be, like, one with the animals. | ||
| Back in the days of, like, living with jaguars and shit, you had to be ferocious. | ||
| You had to. | ||
| You had to. | ||
| Literally, yeah, it was live or die. | ||
| So when we think of like what we're becoming, we're obviously becoming more passive, we're becoming more better able to deal with interacting with each other without violence, and that all that stuff makes us mushier. | ||
| All of it is just making us more... | ||
| It's not even weak, it's just like physically not attuned to violence. | ||
| Right? | ||
| So if we're physically not attuned, why do we need all the strength? | ||
| Like, why do you need to be so fast if nothing's trying to kill you? | ||
| You don't. | ||
| You sit in a cubicle all day. | ||
| So everything just starts to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Just like a bulldog. | ||
| Their face, somehow they're figuring out how to make their face... | ||
| All flat. | ||
| Our whole body's gonna do that, man. | ||
| We're gonna just flatten out. | ||
| So hot. | ||
| And then our bodies are gonna absorb the bones. | ||
| Once we start, like, encasing ourselves... | ||
| Let me go back to the jello people. | ||
| Yeah, you realize you don't even need food. | ||
| You work like a plant. | ||
| You have this box that contains you and it uses photosynthesis. | ||
| Osmosis? | ||
| To fuel your cells. | ||
| Not like water and shit, just like soil. | ||
| You need some soil. | ||
| You're gonna put some soil below you. | ||
| You're gonna be a plant. | ||
| You're gonna go back to plants. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Plants in the matrix. | ||
| Like in a week? | ||
| No, it'll take a while. | ||
| Alright, good. | ||
| A hundred million years or so will definitely be like some sort of a gigantic organism connected to some, probably, some natural internet. | ||
| You know what they'll do with their figure? | ||
| They'll get to a point where they're like, you know what, this regular internet is too unreliable. | ||
| We're constantly relying on these cables. | ||
| I have a new idea. | ||
| Here's my new idea. | ||
| We are going to make an internet by going into all these plants and genetically engineering them and turning them into Wi-Fi towers. | ||
| So everything is a Wi-Fi tower. | ||
| And this is the new internet. | ||
| They're all connected with each other and you, through using a computer or a cell phone or whatever, you're interfacing with nature now. | ||
| You're no longer interfacing with some artificial servers and the Verizon, you know, fucking throttling your data because they don't like using Netflix. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Now you're dealing with re-engineered plants, where plants are now the distributors of information. | ||
| I can't process that. | ||
| It's heavy, bro. | ||
| But it might be real. | ||
| I mean, they know that plants talk to each other. | ||
| They're 100% certain of that. | ||
| Plants allocate resources. | ||
| They have this whole underlying, like, there's like a whole, almost like an internet, of mycelium and, like, fungus and all this different shit, all the network of their root system and everything like that, they communicate with each other. | ||
| About what? | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| We know they do certain things like... | ||
| Plants hear other plants getting eaten and they change their flavor profile and they become toxic. | ||
| They have like a terrible toxic taste to them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Giraffes do that. | ||
| Not only is it... | ||
| It works... | ||
| Not giraffes. | ||
| Eucalyptus trees do that when giraffes are eating them. | ||
| And a bunch of different trees, they've shown that when you... | ||
| Not only can they... | ||
| This is a crazy study they did. | ||
| Not only is it not knowing for sure that these plants are being eaten, but if they hear it. | ||
| So they played recordings. | ||
| Of like crunching? | ||
| Recordings of caterpillars eating leaves, and they've played it next to these trees, and the trees altered their profile. | ||
| They start excreting some sort of a chemical that makes their leaves taste terrible. | ||
| So what they found is like if it'll happen in Africa, where one plant will be... | ||
| I think it's the acacia tree. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It is, right? | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| I think it's the acacia one that changes. | ||
| It's not eucalyptus. | ||
| It's the acacia tree. | ||
| And one animal will be eating it. | ||
| The other animals catch wind that something's eating it. | ||
| And they literally become toxic to them. | ||
| They taste like shit. | ||
| And so they won't eat it. | ||
| And they'll starve to death rather than eat the plants. | ||
| Some crazy chemical strategy. | ||
| And they communicate with each other. | ||
| That's how they find out that this other plant is getting eaten. | ||
| It goes through the ground. | ||
| They have this fiber of... | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| It goes through the ground. | ||
| They have this fiber of all these different organic things like fungus and mushrooms and shit that they're communicating with. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| That is amazing. | ||
| To think that you just don't even hear it. | ||
| They allocate resources. | ||
| They figure out a way to allocate resources towards plants that are connected to them that are more needy. | ||
| It's very bizarre. | ||
| We totally don't know why they do it. | ||
| I mean, we don't know how they do it. | ||
| It's all some new thing over the last like 20 years that people are beginning to figure out. | ||
| That these plants are somehow or another interacting with each other and maybe interacting with their environment in a way that we just don't understand yet. | ||
| It's fucking weird, man. | ||
| I mean, they might be conscious in just some way we just don't imagine. | ||
| We can't imagine it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But there might be some sort of a, you know, we think of consciousness as like, hey man, I'm gonna go to the store tonight, do a set. | ||
| You know, hey man, you know, I'm gonna go take my girl to the movies. | ||
| That fucking Planet of the Apes thing looks sweet. | ||
| You know, that's what we think of as consciousness. | ||
| Every day I do that. | ||
| But without language, and whatever the fuck plants use for communicating, it might be some sort of a weird language that they have, but that we don't even perceive. | ||
| But we could even classify that as language? | ||
| Could be. | ||
| We don't know. | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| I'm just guessing. | ||
| I'm talking shit while I'm high, bro. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm asking questions because I... I just- If we could figure out- I want to have a more plant-based diet, but I don't want motherfuckers whispering and shit. | ||
| Yeah, like- Don't eat! | ||
| Careless whispers in your cauliflower. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nick just ate Mark. | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Somebody. | |
| But maybe they like you to eat them. | ||
| Because if they didn't like you to eat them, how come when you shit out their seeds, that's how plants get distributed? | ||
| Well, yeah, also, how do they know what tastes like shit to us? | ||
| If they're altering how it tastes... | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They're trying to get us to eat it, and then swallow the pits. | ||
| Maybe they're trying to make it better for us to eat them. | ||
| Maybe they're like, oh, maybe, oh, he's eating Mark. | ||
| Maybe I'll fucking create a new spice, and maybe it'll be better, and he'll eat me faster or some shit. | ||
| Hence, peaches. | ||
| Why are peaches so delicious? | ||
| They're trying to trick you into eating them, so you shit out one of those pits. | ||
| If you get some nice nutritious shit, and especially if you've been eating nothing but peaches, your shit would probably be fucking primo for growing a peach. | ||
| Just ready for an S&M dungeon. | ||
| You're out there in the woods, you take a massive dump with a bunch of peach pits in it, and they fertilize, and then a new peach tree grows, and this one's even better. | ||
| It talks you into deep, slowly, just like a wolf becoming a French bulldog, the peaches become sweeter and sweeter and sweeter, and then even we get in the mix. | ||
| Like, you know what? | ||
| This whole peach sweetening shit just ain't happening fast enough for me. | ||
| Me and my boys, Monsanto, we brought scalpels and laser beams and birth control pills and we're gonna figure out how to get these fucking peaches super sweet and they last for a year. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah, but what if you take a shit and the tree grows and it's not peaches and it's growing shit. | ||
| It's growing shit. | ||
| It's just a shit tree. | ||
| And you can't hack it down. | ||
| That's what ends up happening. | ||
| You chop it down. | ||
| The peaches get so sweet that they turn into shit. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| That's the world I want to live in. | ||
| It's like you fix it until you break it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You fucked up. | ||
| You tried too sweet. | ||
| You tried to get the peaches too sweet and you got to the point where nature rebelled. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See, that's the argument for diseases, right? | ||
| The reason why there's so many diseases for human beings is that there's just too many of us. | ||
| And nature's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| You can't just have seven billion of one thing. | ||
| This is fucking stupid. | ||
| We've got to kill some of these things. | ||
| No, we've got to figure out a way. | ||
| No, we've got, like, plague and all these different things. | ||
| We're like, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| We've got injections. | ||
| We're going to kill all that. | ||
| And then we're going to keep, like, battling it one step ahead. | ||
| Diseases and scientists are going to war every day on the front lines. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| That's what's going on, dude. | ||
| Nature's trying to jack us. | ||
| You think nature's trying to pull... | ||
| They're pulling the plug on us? | ||
| When was the last time your dog got sick? | ||
| I don't have a dog. | ||
| If you have a dog, here's what you do. | ||
| You give your dog a parvo shot, they get distemper, they get rabies, and they're good. | ||
| They go around eating everything they find. | ||
| Licking everything. | ||
| Licking everything, pissing on everything. | ||
| What percentage of dogs get sick? | ||
| Is it even one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I've had friends who have had dogs that get cancer and shit. | |
| Right, right. | ||
| That can happen. | ||
| But, like, dogs getting cold? | ||
| When does your dog get sick? | ||
| Your dog starts sneezing? | ||
| Your dog ever get a cold? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Dogs don't get cold. | ||
| I don't have a dog. | ||
| But if you did... | ||
| Wait, I mean, I've never heard of a dog getting, like, a sinus infection. | ||
| They happen. | ||
| They happen with those bulldogs, for sure. | ||
| They get all fucked up, because their nose is only, like, a half an inch long. | ||
| Well, they have upper respiratory, like, horrible problems. | ||
| I have friends that are bulldogs, and they said it's a fucking nightmare. | ||
| Yeah, one of my dogs is half bulldog. | ||
| He's half bulldog and half shibu-inu. | ||
| So he's got, like, a little bit of a longer face. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| A Star Wars character? | ||
| What is a shibu-inu? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's a dog. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| You fucking made that up. | ||
| I didn't. | ||
| It's a cunty little furry dog. | ||
| They're a little on the aggressive side. | ||
| You know, get a little cunty. | ||
| So your dog's half cunty? | ||
| Half cunty, half wants naps. | ||
| Just wants a nap. | ||
| But he gets cunty with other dogs. | ||
| He bit my puppy in the face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's pretty fucked up. | |
| Oh! | ||
| Is that your dog? | ||
| No, that's not my dog. | ||
| But my other dog, the biggest dog I have is the most chill. | ||
| He doesn't fuck with anybody. | ||
| What the fuck dog was that? | ||
| Why did it not have eyeballs? | ||
| It did have eyeballs. | ||
| Do you need glasses? | ||
| Just pull that picture up. | ||
| Aw, look at that little cutie. | ||
| That's why I got him, because he looked like that when he was a baby. | ||
| That's what your dog looks like? | ||
| A little bit, but he's got a little more bulldog to him. | ||
| God, look at their eyes. | ||
| But the thing about dogs, man, is just they vary so much personality-wise. | ||
| It's a trip. | ||
| You could have three dogs from the same litter, and one of them is just a totally different kind of dog than the other ones. | ||
| Like, when they get dogs for police dog training, they never know, like, what dog's gonna... | ||
| Like, how they're gonna come out. | ||
| Like, you look for a specific type of behavior, but you don't know why. | ||
| There's, like, good bloodlines and everything like that, but out of a litter, they're not... | ||
| It's not 100% even in a good bloodline. | ||
| But they're normally... | ||
| What kind of... | ||
| Like, police dogs are never, like... | ||
| They're specific, aren't they like German Shepherds or what are they? | ||
| They have a bunch of different dogs they use. | ||
| Belgian Malinois are really good, but those are super hard to control. | ||
| Golden Doodles? | ||
| They're really good attack dogs. | ||
| They're really good attack dogs, like the sick on people. | ||
| They're like very effective because they're super hyper aggressive and they'll just go right for your throat and fuck you up. | ||
| They use those a lot in military, what they would call the military theater. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I like that. | ||
| Is that what they say? | ||
| Don't they say that? | ||
| Military theater? | ||
| Don't they say that? | ||
| Starring Chloe Sevigny? | ||
| That's like a way to sound smarter than you really are. | ||
| If you said, using something in the military theater. | ||
| Like, what kind of an asshole says that? | ||
| Military theater. | ||
| I think if you add theater to anything, you sound like you're smart. | ||
| Like if you're with the diarrhea theater? | ||
| We're going to the theater. | ||
| Yeah, if they like had musicals and they did them in basketball courts, they'd make two dollars. | ||
| No, we'd go see a musical in a basketball court. | ||
| You have to go to that theater. | ||
| You have to dress up. | ||
| If you could see it how it really is, sneakers squeaking on aluminum steps, and these people have no microphone, and they're below you, doing their stupid play. | ||
| Yeah, that'd be shit. | ||
| I'd be like, get the fuck out of here, bitch. | ||
| Theater. | ||
| Went to this new musical at the gymnasium. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| Everyone started throwing toilet paper down on them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You go to the theater, you're like, this place is old, this must rule. | |
| I've got a new suit for the gym. | ||
| Yeah, nobody's ever said that. | ||
| Going to the theater. | ||
| Some of the theaters that you perform in, when you start performing in theaters across the country, you'll perform in a place that was founded in like 1920. All these weird backstages, you gotta walk through and everything. | ||
| It's fucking pretty dope. | ||
| What I was gonna say earlier is we were talking about Florida, and I did my last tour, and I did 55 cities. | ||
| Everything was great. | ||
| And the only train wreck shows were Florida. | ||
| And I did a performance arts center. | ||
| And it was in, I believe, Orlando, I'm gonna say. | ||
| And I showed up and they had... | ||
| I went backstage and they had these huge murals for, like, Wicked and The Lion King and all these huge productions. | ||
| And then there was, like, Nick Swartzen. | ||
| And then, uh... | ||
| So I was like, alright, I did the show. | ||
| I mean, I had to stop the show because two chicks got into a fistfight. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Over what? | ||
| I don't... | ||
| No idea. | ||
| It was in the balcony and I was, like, trying to figure out what was happening, but I couldn't... | ||
| Because they were escorted out. | ||
| And then afterwards they were like, yeah, there's a fight. | ||
| And then a bunch of people, there's vomit all over the bathrooms. | ||
| So then I went out to the staff and was like, what happened? | ||
| And all the staff were these old women that were like used to plays and musicals and weren't ready for the Nick Swartzen fucking tornado to come in. | ||
| So all these, like, 80-year-old women were not equipped for, like, they said people were sleeping in the bathroom, there was puke on the floor, there was a fist fight. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| It was pretty funny. | ||
| I was like, yeah, sorry about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Next week, though, we've got Wicked! | |
| Next week, it's a resurgence of Cats being brought back by popular demand. | ||
| Is Cats being played anywhere across the country? | ||
| Because I know it's not on Broadway anymore. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Actually, I asked that same question. | ||
| It's not on Broadway at all? | ||
| I have a bad... | ||
| Bad opinion of musicals, and a lot of it is based on a girl that I dated when I was 18 who made me go to see cats with her. | ||
| When you're 18, you don't have any fucking patience for anything. | ||
| Well, yeah, what the fuck? | ||
| Definitely don't have any patience for- 18 years on a musical? | ||
| Yeah, people that are dressing up. | ||
| It is playing somewhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Where is it playing? | ||
| Back on Broadway, apparently. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Andrew Lloyd Webber's long-running classic is back on Broadway! | |
| Exclamation point. | ||
| I mean, yeah, that's what I didn't say from Caroline's, remember? | ||
| Yeah, I don't mean to diss it. | ||
| Last time I saw it was 30 fucking years ago. | ||
| 32 years ago almost. | ||
| Well, there's still cats. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Amazing. | |
| They've not evolved. | ||
| I feel like I need to go now. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| I'll go with you. | ||
| We should go blasted. | ||
| Like seven stars of death deep. | ||
| And we should eat first. | ||
| Like, have a... | ||
| Take the stars of death, like, full on. | ||
| Take five stars of death and then have a steak. | ||
| So this is my thought process. | ||
| You're sitting in a restaurant, like, right after you order, you go, alright, let's do this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You... | |
| You dump the stars of death down your system, and then the food starts coming. | ||
| So the food piles on, your body has to struggle to digest the star and all the fat from your food, like steak and mashed potatoes, if you're feeling non-keto. | ||
| And as it gets cooking, like right when these dudes start... | ||
| You're just in a cyclone of fear and self-doubt and self-criticism and introspective thinking and feeling vulnerable about everyone's watching you and you know you're gonna die and everyone's gonna die. | ||
| And then to top it off though, we bring a litter box. | ||
| And so we all defecate into the litter box. | ||
| And then when they get mad at us, we're like, it's fucking, we're around cats. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| This is perfect. | ||
| I was in Pittsburgh. | ||
| And, uh, I showed up for UFC in Pittsburgh at the same time when they had a furries convention. | ||
| Oh, no way. | ||
| Just total dumb luck. | ||
| Did you go? | ||
| I would've gone to that. | ||
| I couldn't. | ||
| I had to work. | ||
| Cancel the show! | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I had a show, and then I had a UFC. Like, I was there for both. | ||
| And I had the UFC weigh-ins, so I had the weigh-ins on Friday, and then I had the show right after. | ||
| I didn't want to go anyway. | ||
| I just wanted to, like, you could see enough just by seeing them interact in the streets. | ||
| But as you're driving down the street, you could see fucking dozens and dozens of people in these furry outfits. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Dozens. | ||
| I mean, everywhere you looked. | ||
| You saw, like, these mascots, like squirrels, fucking people that are dressed up like monkeys. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Foxes and shit. | ||
| And they fuck each other, right? | ||
| Oh yeah, they do. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| So you know that anybody wearing that is fucking something. | ||
| Yeah, and you know, like, you might, like, try to fuck a female fox, and you pull down the pants, and it's a hairy dude butt, and you're like, well, goddammit. | ||
| I'm already here. | ||
| I'm not really ready for this, but, like, look how they're all walking around, and they get together of them. | ||
| There's photos of thousands of them together. | ||
| Just thousands. | ||
| And people love it. | ||
| God, it's gotta be so hot. | ||
| But do they fuck, yeah, like in that outfit? | ||
| I mean, I've worn costumes like that, just on like sketches and shit. | ||
| Okay, but what is going on here in this picture? | ||
| This is so strange. | ||
| They're courting each other. | ||
| They're holding hands and staring at each other's eyes like, you know what this is? | ||
| It's like you saw cartoons when you were a little kid and they just fucked your brain up. | ||
| You're like, well, this is what I'm looking forward to when I get out of this house. | ||
| And you get out of the house, you hear, car accidents, gunshots. | ||
| Rape. | ||
| But do they fuck each other while they're both wearing a costume, or do they fuck people that aren't wearing a costume? | ||
| Apparently, and this is... | ||
| I'm sorry if you're a member of the furry community, and I misrepresent you, but some of them have hatches where their asshole is sort of like those old-school pajamas in those Wild West cartoons. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember the Wild West pajamas where they had, like, Popeye always had those. | ||
| Dookie Flap? | ||
| Yeah, you got two buttons that cover your shitter. | ||
| Like the shit trap and you open up the trap door and drop a bomb in there and then button that fucker back up. | ||
| They probably had drawstrings. | ||
| They probably didn't even have like rubber waistbands back then. | ||
| Right? | ||
| No, they had those big buttons on either side. | ||
| How did they tighten down your underwear back then? | ||
| Was it buttons? | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| They probably had buttons in the front and buttons in the shitter. | ||
| I think they had buttons on everything back then. | ||
| So, these kids, they thought that was the future. | ||
| And then they went out there and they got punched in the face the moment they left their house. | ||
| And then probably somebody did terrible things to them and they went to school and they got picked on and then here they are just wishing they were a squirrel. | ||
| I want to be a squirrel, just like in the cartoon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was my favorite thought when I was young and I'd watch the squirrel cartoon. | |
| I'd be like, I want to be a squirrel. | ||
| I don't want to go to school. | ||
| I don't want to do this anymore. | ||
| I just want to be a squirrel. | ||
| Well, the hotel where we were at, they got a request. | ||
| They're filled up with furries, except me and a few of the other UFC staff. | ||
| I'm not lying. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| And they got a request, and the request was the furries asked if they could put a litter box in the lobby. | ||
| No way! | ||
| Yes. | ||
| They wanted to pay for a litter box to be brought into the lobby. | ||
| They're like, this whole convention is all us, so can we do that? | ||
| And the guy's like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| They took my idea for cats. | ||
| They tried to get a litter box and put it in the front lobby of, like, the Westin in Pittsburgh. | ||
| To make Smellian? | ||
| Apparently. | ||
| I mean, it could have all just been, just... | ||
| They could have been, like, bluffing. | ||
| Come on, man! | ||
| Well, they definitely were asking for food to be delivered in bowls on the ground. | ||
| Whatever they ordered, they wanted to put it in a bowl, like a dog food bowl, and eat it on the ground. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There were several different rooms that were requesting this. | ||
| That I can see, though, if you're gonna go that distance. | ||
| But if you're that broken... | ||
| You're not taking a shit in the fucking lobby, alright? | ||
| Come on, dog. | ||
| You never know until you ask. | ||
| You don't know until you ask. | ||
| I think it's all us. | ||
| It's all us here. | ||
| It's just all us. | ||
| We're amongst friends. | ||
| We'll pay them. | ||
| Why don't we just ask? | ||
| Let's just ask. | ||
| Like, they're so crazy, they just probably asked. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's like, just have a litter box in your room. | ||
| In the lobby? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| I bet a lot of them had them in their room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I bet they are just going up that fucking flight of stairs with a duffel bag filled with litter. | ||
| Housekeeping! | ||
| And a big ol' fucking plastic cement mixer. | ||
| They pour the kitty litter in one of those plastic cement mixers. | ||
| You know, you ever make concrete when you were a kid? | ||
| Did you ever have to make concrete? | ||
| No. | ||
| I had construction jobs. | ||
| Sometimes you'd have to make concrete, so you'd have to pour the shit and pour the water and mix it. | ||
| You'd have to mix it in this big ol' fuckin' plastic tub that was a lot like a big litter box. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you could just do that. | ||
| Just to get one of them cement mixing tubs. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| I want to do that. | ||
| I want to try it. | ||
| If you could get thousands of people... | ||
| I would get into a furry outfit. | ||
| I don't want to get fucked. | ||
| Okay, who would you be? | ||
| Who would I be? | ||
| Yeah, if you could be a furry. | ||
| Like, what creature? | ||
| What do you feel like your spirit animal is, Nick? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I don't know, maybe... | ||
| Do you think you're a monkey or a wolf? | ||
| I would say a monkey over a wolf, if those are the options. | ||
| Okay, so we're moving more towards monkey. | ||
| I'm just trying to get like a taste palette. | ||
| It's a series of questions that I use to determine which wine would be best for you. | ||
| I would say a squirrel. | ||
| Squirrel? | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| It's very Midwest. | ||
| You are a rat, but your tail is so cute, we let it slide. | ||
| Plus, you only eat nuts and plants. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Rats eat everything. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not a fucking rat. | ||
| Too sketchy. | ||
| Yeah, rats are just... | ||
| Can't be trusted. | ||
| Carrying diseases. | ||
| Squirrels are chill. | ||
| I used to hang out with squirrels in New York. | ||
| I would go into Union Square, and I saw a guy get a bag of nuts, and I watched him. | ||
| He would sit in the middle of the park, and the squirrels would come and crawl on him, and he would put a nut in his fist. | ||
| And the squirrels would reach in like it was like a little hole and pull the nut out and eat it on his arm. | ||
| So I studied this guy for weeks and I was like, I want to fucking do that. | ||
| So I go and I get a bag of nuts and I got the courage up and I got into the middle of the park and I sat there and the squirrels started coming on me and I started getting like panicky. | ||
| But you can't panic. | ||
| So I just zoned out, and then the squirrels started feeding out of my hands, and I started becoming a squirrel man. | ||
| And then I wanted to show my friends, so I'd bring my buddies to the park with me, and I'm like, watch this. | ||
| And they'd be like, what the fuck are you doing, man? | ||
| And I'm like, watch. | ||
| And the squirrels would be on my arms and stuff, and my friends were like, dude, I'm not on board with this at all. | ||
| And nobody thought I was cool. | ||
| They just thought I was like a fucking complete lunatic. | ||
| And I thought I was like an X-Men or something. | ||
| I had, like, gotten this, like, power that I dialed into, like, a whole... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You became, like, a Beastmaster. | ||
| Yeah, I thought it was rad, but... | ||
| Do you remember that show? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| The dude used to be able to tell animals what to do, and they'd all listen to him? | ||
| Yeah, Beastmaster was the shit. | ||
| And he was fucking ripped. | ||
| The one thing they could remake, they fucking don't. | ||
| That'd be a sweet remake. | ||
| And 100% you should be the Beastmaster. | ||
| You or me. | ||
| We could be Beastmasters. | ||
| We could do it. | ||
| Brothers and sisters. | ||
| Beastmasters. | ||
| We need a bunch of chicks, too. | ||
| You gotta have diversity today if you're gonna pitch a show. | ||
| We should have at least one black, female, trans Beastmaster. | ||
| Look at him! | ||
| He's jacked! | ||
| That seems like the newer version of Beastmaster. | ||
| Is that the original Beastmaster? | ||
| Is that the porno? | ||
| No, it's that guy right above him. | ||
| Yeah, it's that dude. | ||
| That was the original Beastmaster. | ||
| That was the dude that was in a movie called Laser Blast. | ||
| Laser Blast was a fucking favorite science fiction movie of mine when I was like a little kid, man. | ||
| Like during the Star Wars days. | ||
| Yeah, and he found this gun. | ||
| He found this gun. | ||
| Look at the makeup on the right. | ||
| Oh, so bad. | ||
| It was this alien gun that you put in your arm. | ||
| Like, you put your arm in it, rather. | ||
| Like, you fist this gun. | ||
| Like, that's how it works. | ||
| And he found this thing. | ||
| Like, the alien that, like, crashed their spaceship and lost their gun. | ||
| And this dude picked it up. | ||
| And the gun slowly but surely turned him into this monster. | ||
| It was awesome! | ||
| That fucking thing? | ||
| Yeah, see that guy? | ||
| Like, see the pictures? | ||
| Those are the actual aliens. | ||
| So that's what he turned into. | ||
| Those are the laser blasts, 1978. Dude, I was 11. That was a movie? | ||
| Yeah, I was 11 years old when this came out. | ||
| So when you see the guy in the upper pictures, scroll up a little bit, see the one with the teeth out on the left-hand side on the top? | ||
| With the teeth on the left-hand side? | ||
| Yeah, that one. | ||
| That is what he turned into when he kept fucking with that gun. | ||
| It was sort of like a take on Gollum's Ring, in a way, right? | ||
| The more he fucked with his gun, the more he would become one of those aliens and start shooting shit with this weird fisting gun. | ||
| It was dope, though, dude. | ||
| See if you can get a clip. | ||
| You can find a clip online. | ||
| He turns into me in Vegas? | ||
| Ayo! | ||
| Dude, when you're 11, it's awesome. | ||
| Go full screen. | ||
| It's a special preview. | ||
| Oh, this is a preview. | ||
| See? | ||
| So the dude finds this in the desert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Look at the aliens like, oh no. | ||
| He's got our gun. | ||
| They're pissed off. | ||
| See, they're in their spaceship and he uses it. | ||
| Yeah, see the spaceship lands? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the story of a UFO that has landed and visitors from a galaxy light years away. | |
| That ship was decent effects. | ||
| How bad is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, it's the greatest thing of all time. | |
| Oh, he shot at them. | ||
| He fucked them up, and they fucked him up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, this is so bad! | |
| Look at him. | ||
| He just looks like a douche, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, seriously. | |
| And he turns into a monster, look. | ||
| Oh my god, this looks so bad! | ||
| They shot the cop car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| They tipped over his bike. | ||
| When we have the new studio, we should do a fight companion with this movie, Laser Blast. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| You don't drink anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn it. | |
| I do. | ||
| You do? | ||
| I'm just taking a break. | ||
| How much of a break? | ||
| I start another movie in like two weeks, so I'm taking a break until after Labor Day. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| After Labor Day... | ||
| You and I will get fucked up, and we'll watch Laser Blast. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| And we will start it from play, and we'll watch this fucking silly movie. | ||
| Play more of it. | ||
| Just keep it running in the background the entire time the show's on. | ||
| Yeah, there's like 10 seconds left of the trailer. | ||
| It's so bad! | ||
| How bad is it? | ||
| That looks really bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So bad! | |
| Any time a gun sounds like that. | ||
| So I was wrong. | ||
| That's not the laser blast guy. | ||
| It's a different guy who looks like him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's a different dude. | |
| It looks like him. | ||
| He's from another movie, though. | ||
| The guy, the laser blast guy was in, or the Beastmaster guy was in some other movie that was really cool. | ||
| He looks familiar. | ||
| He looks like an old school. | ||
| He's been in a bunch of shit. | ||
| What is this, the French version? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got the whole movie. | |
| It's on YouTube. | ||
| Well wait, show a Beastmaster trailer. | ||
| Look how bad it is. | ||
| Look how bad, like, even the, like, the fucking letters are shaky. | ||
| Like, when they play the letters, look at this. | ||
| They can't even keep it still. | ||
| No effort into the font. | ||
| They didn't have the skill back then. | ||
| They would, like, they would do all this shit by hand, like a bunch of monkeys. | ||
| Is that the dude? | ||
| Kim Milford? | ||
| Cheryl Smith was probably hot as fuck back in the day, right? | ||
| She definitely did coke. | ||
| Do you think so? | ||
| I mean, it's 1978. I don't think you had a choice back then. | ||
| Yeah, they made you do coke. | ||
| They punched coke into your face when you were born. | ||
| And you had to wear bell bottoms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This is the beginning of the movie. | ||
| Dude's like, hey, what's that? | ||
| Like, this movie's so fucking stupid. | ||
| He's like, well, just walking. | ||
| He's so tired. | ||
| Just walking through a boiling hot shit desert. | ||
| I can't believe. | ||
| So I think this is like the alien with a gun. | ||
| Well, let's save it until we wait. | ||
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Until we watch it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| We'll save it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| This is the original alien. | ||
| That he was, uh, that's what it was. | ||
| That guy dies. | ||
| He leaves him the gun. | ||
| Spoiler alert! | ||
| So, I'm wrong. | ||
| I thought that that guy was the Beastmaster guy. | ||
| But Beastmaster... | ||
| Doesn't matter, we were still turned on to a gem with laser blast. | ||
| I'm glad I remembered that. | ||
| I don't know how I remembered that. | ||
| I don't know how the fuck that's still in my brain. | ||
| Because I haven't seen that movie in... | ||
| I probably haven't seen it since like a year after I watched it the first time. | ||
| That's the guy. | ||
| Mark Singer. | ||
| He was in some movie. | ||
| He played a blind guy. | ||
| That guy's been in everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was in Teen Wolf. | ||
| He's kissing a dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that all about? | |
| Cut that out. | ||
| Beauty and the Beast. | ||
| He's going LRG on that. | ||
| Yeah, he's in a... | ||
| That guy's got a gang of movies he did. | ||
| But... | ||
| Also Beastmaster. | ||
| And the young and the restless. | ||
| If you had a Beastmaster, would people think it was racist if you hired a black guy? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| If you had a guy that could talk to monkeys. | ||
| As long as he's a white guy. | ||
| If it's a white guy and the white guy can walk into the forest and falcons land on him and fucking giraffes come up to him and he gives him an apple and shit, everybody's cool with it. | ||
| But if you had a black guy, like Jet Black, Wesley Snipes Black, and he's walking through the jungle and all the animals flock to him and he and the monkeys, they talk to each other and he tells the monkeys what to do, people will be like, no fucking way! | ||
| That is so racist. | ||
| Are you saying that black people are closer to these animals? | ||
| No, no, no! | ||
| That's what we're saying! | ||
| No, no, no! | ||
| We're saying he's really cool, and the animals like him. | ||
| That's not what I got out of it, bro. | ||
| How come white people can't talk to monkeys, but black people can? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here with your racist, bullshit-ass, ableist movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| But if it's a white blonde guy, you're like, yeah, he's amazing like Thor. | ||
| You can talk to anything. | ||
| Yeah, he's amazing. | ||
| He channels the spirits of these animals. | ||
| They know he's pure. | ||
| He doesn't have facial hair for some reason. | ||
| Yeah, if he spoke to a unicorn, people wouldn't freak out. | ||
| He doesn't have any clothes on, but his hair is coiffed. | ||
| He's like, he doesn't need clothes, bro. | ||
| I just need shampoo and some conditioner. | ||
| He lives in the jungle, but his hair is just perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Perfect. | |
| It's just like style. | ||
| It's kind of frosted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Somehow he has highlights in the forest. | |
| That's cool. | ||
| Doesn't make any sense. | ||
| He's super close with eagles. | ||
| Dude, I had a hawk issue in my backyard yesterday. | ||
| I tweeted, I Instagramed this picture that I found a hawk dead in my yard that another animal had something, had bitten its head off. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| And had eaten its breast tissue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh! | |
| Okay? | ||
| So, that was a while back. | ||
| Well, yesterday, I was out in my yard and I let the chickens out. | ||
| I have chickens, and the chickens are wandering around, and there's three fucking hawks. | ||
| They're not big hawks. | ||
| They're small. | ||
| They're like the size of this thermos. | ||
| You know, they're probably like 12 inches high or something. | ||
| Not a big hawk. | ||
| But they're trying to jack these chickens. | ||
| They're like on the chicken coop, and one of them swoops down and slams into the mesh, like bangs into the mesh of the chicken coop, like just trying to get at them. | ||
| So he's a chicken dude. | ||
| So I'm like, this is crazy. | ||
| So I have my kids come out, my wife come out, and we're looking at these birds swooping down, and one of them landing on top of the roof, and the other one's in the trees. | ||
| I'm like, this is so fucking strange, man. | ||
| What is going on? | ||
| And they're just making noise, like, meh, meh, meh. | ||
| Like, really loud. | ||
| They're juveniles. | ||
| And I've found two of them that are dead. | ||
| And what I'm thinking, the two of them that I've found that are dead are bigger. | ||
| So I saw these animals, these small ones, and then the next day I found a dead one. | ||
| And the dead one also had its head missing. | ||
| I think there's some sort of a bird war going on in my neighborhood. | ||
| That there's like a bird gang war going on. | ||
| And I think there's hawks and there's larger hawks. | ||
| And one of my friends saw a larger hawk eating baby hawks in a tree. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was on the way down the street. | ||
| And apparently going to his car, and he saw these hawks that are in our neighborhood killing these baby hawks. | ||
| And we're like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| And so I was like, well, so the babies were there by themselves? | ||
| And then the hawks killing the babies? | ||
| Like, he saw it happen. | ||
| I was like, that is insane. | ||
| So this is like some sort of a gang war. | ||
| Because I told him about the hawks being dead, and he found one of them like that. | ||
| Shit is getting real in your neighborhood. | ||
| Dude, it's crazy. | ||
| It's fucking Hawk-mageddon. | ||
| I think it's just hawks killing other hawks. | ||
| They're trying to establish... | ||
| probably just like all these other animals. | ||
| Apparently mountain lions do that, too. | ||
| Bears do that. | ||
| They'll kill young ones. | ||
| They'll find other people's young and kill them because they think they're competition. | ||
| There's only so many rats, you know, or a rabbit that a hawk can eat. | ||
| God. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| That's intense. | ||
| So we found two. | ||
| Two different hawks with no heads. | ||
| Do you normally have a lot of hawks in your neighborhood? | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| You see them all the time. | ||
| You see them floating around. | ||
| They're just circling all the time. | ||
| You see them all the time. | ||
| All throughout the Hollywood Hills, you can see them. | ||
| I don't know if I've ever seen a hawk, maybe. | ||
| My friend Tom, Tom Chironis, director, he was in his house in Studio City and he watched a dove or some small bird just get jacked by a hawk right in front of him. | ||
| It was sitting on a fence. | ||
| The bird was just sitting there chilling. | ||
| Oh, what a wonderful day to be a bird. | ||
| And he said this hawk just came down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Swap! | |
| Just grabbed him right there and fucking flew off. | ||
| And they do it just for fun, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, they eat them. | |
| They eat birds. | ||
| Do they really? | ||
| Dude, birds eat birds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We played a video of owls jacking a hawk. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Have you ever seen that one? | ||
| No, an owl jacking a hawk? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| I've seen owls, like, eat rabbits and shit, right? | ||
| They put a night vision camera on this tree so they could capture these hawks that were in this little nest together. | ||
| Might be even a young hawk. | ||
| And this owl comes in from out of the sky. | ||
| Like, you don't see anything until you see its eyes. | ||
| You see its floating eyes. | ||
| And then, watch this. | ||
| Watch this video. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| That's a hawk? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Later. | ||
| Just jacks him. | ||
| His buddy's like, Mark? | ||
| One more time, one more time, one more time. | ||
| Yeah, let's see that again. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| See the little eyes in the distance? | ||
| See how they're floating? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Bitch! | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| Crazy is that? | ||
| So there you go. | ||
| There's your answer. | ||
| Birds eat birds. | ||
| Dude, that's intense. | ||
| They eat the fuck out of each other. | ||
| I mean, if you see Ethan Hawke in your neighborhood, I would get fucking really worried, dude. | ||
| Ethan's looking very predatory lately. | ||
| That would be really scary. | ||
| That would be dope. | ||
| I wish my last name were Hawk. | ||
| You can make it Hawk. | ||
| I bet he did. | ||
| You think he did? | ||
| His name's like Ethan Wienerschnitzel. | ||
| He's like, I gotta be mysterious. | ||
| I gotta be Hawk. | ||
| Ethan Shamalama. | ||
| Ding dong. | ||
| There's a lot of people who've done that, right? | ||
| Like Jamie Foxx, he had the most brilliant idea ever. | ||
| He made his name an androgynous name so that he would get picked as people to go up in the Laugh Factory. | ||
| Because it was a Laugh Factory open mic and they would pick chicks more than they would pick dudes because there weren't very many chicks. | ||
| So they would try to get a certain amount of chicks. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So he made his name ambiguous. | ||
| He changed his name to Jamie Foxx with two X's. | ||
| That's pretty cool. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| His old stand-up's hilarious. | ||
| I used to watch his old Showtime specials. | ||
| He's gonna be on on Thursday. | ||
| Is he really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, it's amazing. | ||
| That guy can do everything. | ||
| He's a bizarre guy. | ||
| Insanely talented. | ||
| He can sing. | ||
| He can act. | ||
| He can legitimately sing. | ||
| And legitimately act. | ||
| And do stand-up. | ||
| And do stand-up. | ||
| Stand-up's the fucking hardest. | ||
| I mean, that's... | ||
| To be like a monster. | ||
| He was a big headliner, dude. | ||
| That guy was a monster. | ||
| Yeah, he just stopped doing it. | ||
| The foxhole? | ||
| Remember when he had that, um... | ||
| Character he did on In Living Color, the woman with the giant crazy lips. | ||
| Yeah, fucking hilarious. | ||
| He was the original duck face, right? | ||
| Wasn't she? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did she do that? | ||
| Am I imagining that she made a duck face? | ||
| No, she did. | ||
| Is that the original duck face? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You can find it, right? | |
| Can I see it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugly Wanda? | |
| Yeah, Ugly Wanda. | ||
| Do you think that Ugly Wanda is the original of the Duck... | ||
| Yeah, there's the Duck Face. | ||
| That's Ugly Wanda. | ||
| That character might be the original Duck Face. | ||
| That might be what everybody copied. | ||
| It's already hilarious right there. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| In Living Color is a forgotten show. | ||
| It was one of the funniest fucking shows ever. | ||
| Yeah, it was amazing. | ||
| Dude, do you remember Handyman? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Do you remember File Marshal Bill? | ||
| I remember... | ||
| Fire Marshal Bill. | ||
| God, I can't stop coughing. | ||
| Fire Marshal Bill, I was playing pool. | ||
| Me and my friend John were playing pool in New York, and this show was on, you know, above the pool table. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We were like, what the fuck? | |
| We're like, I can't even believe this is a real show. | ||
| Like, there had never been a show, like when Jim Carrey played that guy who'd been burnt up in a fire. | ||
| There'd never been a fucking sketch show where they showed a guy with scars all over his face. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| Oh, yeah, and also... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| He had no lips? | ||
| A burn victim. | ||
| And he used to look crazy? | ||
| That is insane! | ||
| See if you can find a clip. | ||
| Well, also, Venus DeMilo, the person who did crystal meth. | ||
| A crystal meth trans weightlifter. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do you even pitch that? | |
| What a crazy show. | ||
| People forgot. | ||
| How about two snaps up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| People forgot. | ||
| They forgot how good this show was. | ||
| Yeah, they were great. | ||
| When we were young in the 90s, this was the show. | ||
| Yeah, it was hilarious. | ||
| It was the show. | ||
| It's the show that launched Jennifer Lopez. | ||
| It didn't launch her. | ||
| She was a fly girl, bro. | ||
| Well, yeah, but... | ||
| I mean... | ||
| But she wasn't acting on the show. | ||
| Didn't matter, dude. | ||
| She became a fly girl. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| Have some respect. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| No, I'm just saying- Are you not impressed? | ||
| You're looking at me like, I don't even care, bro. | ||
| I'm impressed that she's a flagger. | ||
| I remember her being a flagger. | ||
| I'm saying she didn't- That wasn't her first thing. | ||
| Was it her first thing? | ||
| I think it was her first thing, man. | ||
| Where is she? | ||
| God, that's her in the front. | ||
| That's her in the bottom. | ||
| Holy fuck. | ||
| I want my money back. | ||
| What have you done? | ||
| What do you really look like? | ||
| How did you do that? | ||
| That is funny that they had... | ||
| She was the first girl. | ||
| The fly girls. | ||
| She was the first girl to become famous for her ass. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Not for her, obviously. | ||
| She's talented. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| She's ripped now. | ||
| Oh, is she? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Great shape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But she also resisted the temptation to accentuate that ass in an artificial manner. | ||
| She's stuck with squats and dancing. | ||
| Respect. | ||
| Respect. | ||
| Because she was the original big booty girl, right? | ||
| I mean, if you think about it, and then all those other chicks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the first person I remember where people are like, oh shit. | ||
| Some people are taking it too far. | ||
| I saw a young lady this weekend that was just taking it way too far. | ||
| Well, I mean, why? | ||
| Butt implants to me are so bizarre. | ||
| I don't know why the fuck. | ||
| I don't know what that does. | ||
| See, that's a real butt. | ||
| That's Jennifer Lopez's butt. | ||
| That is a bottom. | ||
| That's legit. | ||
| That is Latina DNA, that's exercise, squats, dancing, and just the sheer love of dick that just comes out in everything she does. | ||
| Like, look at that. | ||
| God damn, that woman's hot. | ||
| She's 48. She could be 100. What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's 48? | |
| If she's 100 and looks just like that, people will line up to fuck her. | ||
| Look at her skin. | ||
| Yeah, she's insanely hot. | ||
| That's like some Westworld shit. | ||
| Well, she's got, like, superpower DNA. Like, there's no way you just get that with a regular person. | ||
| That's like superpower DNA. Yeah, no, it's amazing. | ||
| But what was the point? | ||
| That's like my skin. | ||
| Oh, see, she stayed natural, man. | ||
| That's the crazy thing. | ||
| Like, there's so many women, like, and obviously not her stature where they're, like, legit movie stars and stuff like that, but, like, some of these pop gals are stuffing so much fucking stuff into their ass that it wiggles like a waterbed when they're shaking themselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like nauseating. | |
| There was some chick, what is the girl's name? | ||
| Iggy Azalea, is that her name? | ||
| There's a video that she's doing where she's shaking her ass, and it's literally like trying to fuck in a waterbed. | ||
| It's like, whoosh, whoosh. | ||
| It's like, stop. | ||
| Slow down. | ||
| Unless that's your real ass. | ||
| In which case, multiple apologies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Multiple. | |
| Many apologies if that's your real ass. | ||
| You're big ass shaming. | ||
| You're body shaming. | ||
| Fuck you, Joe. | ||
| I'm not body shaming. | ||
| But if you have a crazy body, we're going to talk about it. | ||
| And if your ass is that giant, people are going to talk about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I guess it's body shaming to be... | ||
| No, it's surgery shaming. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| I think that's legitimate, just surgery shame. | ||
| Sure, right? | ||
| If you call it. | ||
| Like, if it's... | ||
| If we had done that earlier, would we have lost Michael Jackson? | ||
| Like, if somebody's surgery shamed him, like, super- Hey, dude! | ||
| Hey, hey, hey! | ||
| Stop! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Why is your nose doing this? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Why is it getting so small? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His nose started caving in, man. | ||
| Remember when it was caving in? | ||
| Yeah, I'm aware. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| I mean, I have a friend, so I went to dinner with a friend of mine. | ||
| She's awesome. | ||
| And I hadn't seen her for a while. | ||
| And she got plastic surgery. | ||
| Plastic surgery, and I didn't, she didn't bring it up. | ||
| I hadn't seen it for like five years. | ||
| And it was noticeable. | ||
| Not big time, but enough. | ||
| And I didn't know how to handle it. | ||
| I didn't know what to do, so I just didn't say anything. | ||
| But I wanted to be like, why? | ||
| But once somebody already does it, it's kind of a fucking moot point. | ||
| To be like, hey, what'd you do? | ||
| Go back! | ||
| So I just let it go. | ||
| But it was really awkward. | ||
| She was already fucking gorgeous. | ||
| And then I don't know why she did that to herself. | ||
| So it was really bizarre. | ||
| It was a very bizarre feeling. | ||
| Have you experienced that? | ||
| Have you seen... | ||
| I mean, you must have. | ||
| I definitely have. | ||
| But my friend, even weirder, was dating a girl, an Asian girl, who got that eye surgery. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And he hadn't seen her in a long time. | ||
| And then he actually told me about this. | ||
| After we did the podcast, we were talking about that eye surgery. | ||
| Remember when we showed it? | ||
| Like how many Korean women in particular are getting this crazy surgery where it changes your face. | ||
| It makes your eyes way bigger. | ||
| They cut your lids and give you like this anime weird look. | ||
| And it's apparently super, super popular. | ||
| But he hadn't seen her in a while. | ||
| And then he saw her and she had the thing done and he didn't even recognize her. | ||
| He was like, what? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It was like, it was off. | ||
| It was like, if I saw you and all of a sudden your eyes were giant and I had to go, hey... | ||
| What's up, Nick? | ||
| Like, look, look at that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that... | ||
| In that case, it looks really good. | ||
| I was gonna say. | ||
| Bravo. | ||
| But it's a weird thing that is, like, super, super common. | ||
| They get that look, right? | ||
| So they go from having... | ||
| Is that a bunch of different girls? | ||
| Ooh, that scares the shit out of me. | ||
| Dude, we have a friend I just realized who got it done. | ||
| If that's a bunch of different girls, that freaks me the fuck out. | ||
| Have you seen him? | ||
| No. | ||
| He got it done. | ||
| You know who that is? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| He did the same thing with the eyes. | ||
| Let's keep it on the DL. Yeah, that's why I wrote it down. | ||
| I didn't show you. | ||
| But that's like, she's becoming like westernized. | ||
| See, this is what they do. | ||
| It's so crazy, dude. | ||
| They slice your lid and they take like a chunk out of it. | ||
| Like, say if you were cutting up a mango into slices, they take a nice little mango slice and then stitch that bad boy up and then your lids... | ||
| Are just way smaller. | ||
| It says nations have different need for beauty choices in Korea. | ||
| The land is small and crowded that everyone can see and look at each other in the face. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck are you talking about? | |
| No, you don't like having slanty eyes. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| You don't like the way your eyes look. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Don't say crazy shit. | ||
| Unless that's a translation problem. | ||
| Nations have different need for beauty. | ||
| Listen to this explanation. | ||
| Hey, why do you guys have so many eye surgeries? | ||
| Well, in Korea the land is small and crowded and that everybody can see can look each other in the face. | ||
| The fuck did you just say? | ||
| Oh my god, you're drunk. | ||
| You're on pills. | ||
| Yeah, they got shit-faced. | ||
| Well, it must be some sort of a translation issue. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Yeah, because if you said that to me, I'd be like, Nick, I think he's gone crazy. | ||
| Dude, the sentences don't make sense. | ||
| No, Joey, they do make sense. | ||
| My eyes couldn't see, brought your face high. | ||
| What's wrong? | ||
| Why is that weird? | ||
| Yeah, no, my friend that I hadn't seen for a while, I didn't know what to do. | ||
| I didn't know what to say, so I just started screaming and threw hot water in her face. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| As loud as I could, I started screaming. | ||
| Got a boiling pot of water. | ||
| And started yelling monster at the restaurant. | ||
| And everybody stopped. | ||
| And I just ran out and jumped into a cab. | ||
| Do you remember Night of the Living Dead? | ||
| Or not Night of the Living Dead. | ||
| Invasion of the Body Snatchers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When someone would turn into one of those things and they would just be like, just something wrong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I don't know, something's wrong with Nick. | ||
| It just doesn't seem like Nick anymore. | ||
| And it was a slight thing. | ||
| Like, Nick, what's wrong? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| You would wander off and you'd really be an alien. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they would find the pod. | ||
| Like, oh my god! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nick! | |
| They'd find the pod under your bed, like cobwebs and shit. | ||
| Like, oh no! | ||
| Slime! | ||
| Ew. | ||
| Well, it's like The Thing. | ||
| Remember The Thing? | ||
| I do. | ||
| That was the fucking, it's the best movie, one of my favorite movies of all time. | ||
| The original John Carpenter's The Thing. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Well, that wasn't even the original. | ||
| It was so trippy. | ||
| That wasn't even the original. | ||
| Well, no, yeah, that was a remake, but it was a good remake. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| Phenomenal remake. | ||
| But that was so trippy because you didn't know until they burned their blood who was an alien, so you just walk around like, yeah, what happened to Gary? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Are you alright, Mark? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Just tired! | ||
| Didn't he get the dog, too? | ||
| It became part of the dog, remember that? | ||
|
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|
When they burned it, it turned into a dog, too. | |
| Tentacles and shit. | ||
| Remember when they're doing an operation on the guy? | ||
| God! | ||
| Remember when they're doing an operation on the guy, and the chest opens up and becomes Jaws and bites his arms off? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| They're doing the, what's it called? | ||
| Yeah, the Fibrillator. | ||
| Defibrillator, defibrillator, is that what it is? | ||
| And his fucking fists go through. | ||
| It turned into Jaws and opened up and bit his arms off. | ||
| Yeah, that's insane. | ||
| That movie ruled. | ||
| And it holds up, even though the effects are bizarre. | ||
| It holds up! | ||
| It still gives you, like, wicked anxiety. | ||
| Dude, Kurt Russell in this movie is like one of my all-time favorite- Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| It opens up and bites that guy's- Isn't that guy from Cheers? | ||
| Was he in Cheers? | ||
| He could be. | ||
| If he's not, he should be. | ||
| Just say he was. | ||
| Is this a scene from Cheers? | ||
| Is this one of the lost episodes where they cut him off? | ||
| Yeah, they're like, these guys are going crazy. | ||
| They're like, Steve, you're cut off. | ||
| Remember it turned into a big spider thing? | ||
| Yeah, that was kind of weird. | ||
| The head popped up, legs, and started running around like a spider. | ||
| That movie was scary as fuck, man. | ||
| How about The End? | ||
| The End is the best. | ||
| Don't spoil it. | ||
| I know, I won't. | ||
| Spoiler. | ||
| I didn't, I didn't. | ||
| Is that Rick Baker? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| It's Rick Baker. | ||
| He's the special effects guy that did American Werewolf in London. | ||
| He's fucking ledge. | ||
| He passed away, right? | ||
| I do not think he did. | ||
| I think he's still alive. | ||
| Oh, sorry, Rick. | ||
| I believe Rick Baker's still alive. | ||
| I think he was just working on something that's going on right now. | ||
| I forget what it was, but I feel like there's some new project that I just read something about. | ||
| I forget what it is. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Did you see the new version of the thing? | ||
| They did a third version. | ||
| I saw it. | ||
| I thought it was good. | ||
| I liked it. | ||
| I did not like it. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| No, I just, it was, I wanted to like it, but I just thought it was bad. | ||
| It's okay, bro. | ||
| People get mad if you don't like things they like. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, bro, maybe you suck. | |
| Maybe you suck. | ||
| Yeah, they turn it on you. | ||
| Yeah, they get mad at you. | ||
| But also, I'm somebody where I want to like shit. | ||
| So when people are like, oh, you're just a hater, it's like, no. | ||
| I fucking go to a movie because I want to like it. | ||
| If I watch something, I don't want to hate something. | ||
| Why would I make an effort to go to a movie to hate it? | ||
| That's fucking retarded. | ||
| I agree, dude. | ||
| So I go, and then I'm like, oh, I don't like this. | ||
| And then people go, no, you don't. | ||
| And I'm like, no, I don't. | ||
| I just, I didn't like it. | ||
| It wasn't, you know. | ||
| I'm on your side, bro. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Jesus, everyone's so touchy. | ||
| Yeah, it's ridiculous. | ||
| Did you see Life with Ryan Reynolds? | ||
| I did see Life. | ||
| Did you like it? | ||
| I liked it. | ||
| Did you like it, Jamie? | ||
| I liked it. | ||
| I put it on Twitter and I got attacked. | ||
| People are like, you're a fucking idiot. | ||
| That show sucked. | ||
| That movie blew. | ||
| It was stupid. | ||
| It was cliche. | ||
| Same old shit. | ||
| It was a ripoff of Aliens. | ||
| There's a lot of people that liked it, but it seemed like there was a good percentage of them that hated it. | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| It's like, that critique where people go, it's, you know, they took this, this, and it's like, yeah, movies do borrow certain elements, and especially, like, life had certain stuff that, yeah, devices that they used. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it's also, it's still... | ||
| You just have to go, okay, and then like sit back and just enjoy performances and enjoy what they made. | ||
| It's a fucking really well shot movie. | ||
| You know what it really highlighted to me? | ||
| That television shows, like, it's contagious, bro. | ||
| Now you're doing it. | ||
| Yeah, thanks. | ||
| Television shows like House of Cards and Game of Thrones, these serial shows, they've ruined Movies. | ||
| This is why because like to tell a story in 90 minutes, you're so limited. | ||
| Yeah, you can only get it so invested in the character There's only so many different plot twists you can have like especially like this sort of a genre right like you take an alien lifeform It gets on board the people and tries to kill them. | ||
| Okay How many times have we seen that? | ||
| We've seen that a fucking thousand times in movies, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So you're going to run into a bunch of... | ||
| And you've got to jam it all into 90 minutes. | ||
| There's certain things that have to be like plot mechanisms. | ||
| They have to take place. | ||
| Like the alien has to attack the first person. | ||
| You're going to see it coming. | ||
| There's going to be a bunch of shit going on. | ||
| Yeah, you have to adhere to certain cliché kind of devices. | ||
| That's why people that... | ||
| Do you like Prometheus? | ||
| I did like Prometheus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't love it. | |
| I like Prometheus. | ||
| I didn't love it. | ||
| And I like the new alien. | ||
| I didn't see the new alien, but I heard it's awesome. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| I mean, I like both of them and I got a lot of shit for that. | ||
| People are like, you're a fucking idiot. | ||
| And I was like, easy, grandma. | ||
| Maybe you're hanging around with mean people. | ||
| What? | ||
| Is that a joke? | ||
| No, it wasn't my grandma. | ||
| No, but I do hang out with people that are critical, like director friends and shit. | ||
| Oh, directors are the worst to watch a movie with. | ||
| Yeah, they're pretty bad director people. | ||
| They're so beyond critical. | ||
| But I'm critical of comedies. | ||
| When I go to comedies, I walk out of a lot of them. | ||
| You know what the worst is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| If you're around actors that haven't made it. | ||
| Actors that like barely work. | ||
| Super negative. | ||
| I don't even understand that choice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's really bad. | ||
| Whatever happened to his career? | ||
| You're like, that's Daniel Day-Lewis. | ||
| Yeah, what's his middle name? | ||
| Day? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His career really fell off after that movie. | ||
| Somebody said that about the dude in Jurassic Park. | ||
| Like, he's in fucking Jurassic Park. | ||
| It's one of the biggest movies of all time. | ||
| Everyone's career falls off after Jurassic Park. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| It's no way to get bigger, you stupid fuck. | ||
| Like, I'm sure the guy probably did a lot of movies after Jurassic fucking Park. | ||
| Also, maybe he made enough money that he doesn't have to do movies anymore, you twat. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, he's cashing his fucking Jurassic dollars. | ||
| And can I have my latte? | ||
| I'm tired of this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just hate his choice. | |
| His career totally dropped off. | ||
| Did you say nonfat? | ||
| Nonfat soy. | ||
| Nonfat soy. | ||
| Sugar-free, please. | ||
| Yeah, it is funny. | ||
| I'll do interviews for stuff, and they'll be like, yeah, man, I'm just looking over your stuff. | ||
| Why did you do that movie? | ||
| And I'm like, because my friend was in it, and he asked me to do it. | ||
| Because I was hoping it wasn't going to suck. | ||
| I'm like, because I fucking... | ||
| Yeah, I'm friends with people, and they're doing a project, and they're like, hey, you want to do this? | ||
| I'm like, all right. | ||
| I'm not gonna go, no, fuck you, man! | ||
| Oh, yeah, you're my friend? | ||
| Like, yeah, there's like other variables besides, you know. | ||
| Yeah, man, I was willing to do your assassin show. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| There it is, right there. | ||
| You would do that for me because you trust me. | ||
|
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|
You saw the process. | |
| Exactly, I didn't even look into it. | ||
| And I could find out like halfway into the filming, Nick eats a pound of Adderall a day. | ||
| A full pound of Adderall. | ||
| They deliver it in pounds. | ||
| He's just on Adderall. | ||
| He doesn't even know he's making a movie. | ||
| He just found out it's a movie. | ||
| Thought he was in a dream about making a movie. | ||
| He just found out he's actually making a movie. | ||
| He thought he was at the theater. | ||
| He hasn't slept in a year. | ||
| There's one year, no sleep. | ||
| This guy puts Adderall on his foot and then kicks it in the Nick's mouth. | ||
| I think if you didn't sleep for a long time, but you were still up moving, you'd probably just start hallucinating, right? | ||
| Isn't that what people say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did. | |
| Right. | ||
| What happened to you? | ||
| This is a true story. | ||
| I did a show in Tahoe. | ||
| Writers on the story. | ||
| Riders. | ||
| I did a show in Tahoe, and I forgot to be hydrated, so I didn't get hydrated at all. | ||
| And so I didn't drink any water. | ||
| And I was drinking on the plane, and me and my buddy got into Reno, and we drove to Tahoe. | ||
| We were drinking in Tahoe, and I did my show. | ||
| We just kept drinking. | ||
| I didn't drink any water. | ||
| And then I got sick. | ||
| I was up like, I don't know, maybe like 15 hours. | ||
| And then I kept drinking and didn't really think about it. | ||
| I'm at the casino. | ||
| I'm having fun. | ||
| And then I start feeling sick. | ||
| And then I try to go to bed and I can't. | ||
| And then so I'm awake throughout the night. | ||
| And then the next day I'm still awake. | ||
| And I'm kind of panicking now because I haven't slept for over 24 hours. | ||
| And now I realize I have altitude sickness because I'm puking. | ||
| And then I haven't, so I'm trying to drink water. | ||
| So I got, I drank and I got alcohol poisoning and altitude sickness and sleep deprivation. | ||
| So I flew home to LA and I had slept for like 30 fucking six hours and I'm in my bed. | ||
| I'm like, I gotta go to sleep. | ||
| So I get in my bed and then, uh, I just start hearing like music and like all this stuff and like people, like there was a party next door, but there was no party. | ||
| And then, so I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| And then I'm lying in my bed and I just hear pounding on my floor. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| And I heard, like, legitimate, like, pounding. | ||
| And I was, like, totally awake. | ||
| And I realized I hadn't slept. | ||
| And then I, like, took, like, some sleeping, like, some NyQuil or something, and then I finally got to bed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| But it was super weird, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've heard people that do those races, those ultramarathon races, they start seeing shit that's not there. | ||
| Cam didn't have that happen to him, but I've heard other people, they see people on the side of the road waving at them that aren't even there. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dude, altitude, have you ever gotten, altitude fucks with me real bad. | ||
| My friend Ben, Ben O'Brien, who was on the show last week, the week before last, he was talking about how he was in Nepal, and he was getting altitude sickness while he was in Nepal, and he saw a baby on the side of the road, and there was no baby. | ||
| And he saw a wolf. | ||
| He's like, dude, guys, there's a wolf. | ||
| There's a wolf. | ||
| And they're like, oh my god. | ||
| How many feet was he? | ||
| There's no wolf. | ||
| He's way the fuck up there. | ||
| Yeah, it fucks with you bad. | ||
| Yeah, he's above 13,000 feet. | ||
| And he was sick, too. | ||
| Everybody got food poisoning. | ||
| So he caught food poisoning and altitude sickness. | ||
| And he was just seeing things. | ||
| He saw the baby. | ||
| He's like, you guys don't see that baby? | ||
| And they're like, oh my god. | ||
| You see a baby? | ||
| You see a baby. | ||
| It's a baby, just chilling on the side of the road. | ||
| I'd be like, look closer at the baby, and then I'd just push him off. | ||
| Deuces. | ||
| Are you that guy? | ||
| Deuces, dog. | ||
| Are you the one who cuts his losses? | ||
| You're like, this guy is not going to make it. | ||
| Bang! | ||
| You've got to think about survival of the group, man. | ||
| Your buddy would not survive around me. | ||
| Did you watch Lost and think how you would handle things differently? | ||
| I never saw Lost. | ||
| I never saw one episode. | ||
| Never saw one episode. | ||
| I've heard people- Should I watch it? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Up until like the last season. | ||
| And then quit halfway. | ||
| I heard it kind of jump ship. | ||
| Last season, it was like, they're all standing around while there's a pool that brings you back to life and no one's freaking out. | ||
| Like, what is wrong? | ||
| What the fuck kind of show am I watching? | ||
| Did you guys forget that people have to believe this shit? | ||
| Okay, what do you do? | ||
| They're just standing around there in, like, that perfect order that you do on sitcoms when there's a person talking here and there's another person talking about... | ||
| That never happens in real life. | ||
| The perfect blocking? | ||
| Yeah, perfect blocking. | ||
| In real life, people look at each other, you fucking asshole. | ||
| You're all standing around, no one's freaking out. | ||
| There's a pond that brings people back to life, and you guys are just phoning it in. | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| I think that's why I jumped ship in it, because I heard it just derailed super bad, and then I heard the writers didn't think it was going to go that long, and so they ran out of shit. | ||
| That's what somebody told me. | ||
| That they were like, yeah, we didn't think it was, we weren't really ready. | ||
| It's so good in the beginning, though. | ||
| In the beginning, it's so good. | ||
| It's such a good show. | ||
| For the first, like, who knows how many seasons. | ||
| I binge-watched it after it was over. | ||
| It was like five or six, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Up until the last, like, season, it started to fall apart. | ||
| Once he died, I think the show kind of fell apart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Spoiler alert. | |
| It's that many people on the show? | ||
| And our boy Dominic, who was on the show, has been on this podcast. | ||
| That's my funny, my buddy, Jorge Garcia. | ||
| And then what happened to a dude who was kind of overweight and won the lottery. | ||
| There's the girl, that girl from Lost, she did a, oh, she was one of the girls in the Hobbit movie. | ||
| Yeah, she was like an elf. | ||
| Elf chick. | ||
| Hot as fuck. | ||
| She was elfin? | ||
| And so was Dominic Monahan. | ||
| Yeah, he was an elf too. | ||
| She was hot. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Dominic was something else. | ||
| Wasn't he a hobbit? | ||
| He was a hobbit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of my favorite moments, I was in an audition one time years ago and the Lord of the Rings had just come out and I had seen it. | ||
| We were auditioning for some shitty movie and he was in the waiting room and they came out and they're like, we're running about 40 minutes behind. | ||
| I was like, are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| He was like, Jesus, man, what the hell? | ||
| And I go, what are you doing here? | ||
| And he goes, what do you mean? | ||
| I go, you were just in Lord of the Rings. | ||
| And he goes, yeah. | ||
| And I go, they shouldn't make you wait 40 minutes, dude. | ||
| I would be fucking mad. | ||
| And he was like, you're right. | ||
| And I go, yeah, no shit. | ||
| I go, fucking call your agent, man. | ||
| You're a rabble rouser. | ||
| You're one of the rings of the Lord. | ||
| Were you doing that just to kick him out of there so that you could get the bar? | ||
| No, I would have let him go in front of me. | ||
| I'm a good guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I was like, dude, you're in the biggest movie in the world. | ||
| Put that picture back up. | ||
| Let's see something here. | ||
| I forgot all these characters. | ||
| Now I'm remembering them when I'm seeing this again. | ||
| Remember the Middle Eastern guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's his name? | |
| Saeed? | ||
| That's his name? | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He's DTF? He was the first Middle Eastern dude who got to fuck white chicks in a big-time show, right? | ||
| He had a hot white girlfriend, didn't he? | ||
| Keith Urban is on it? | ||
| No, that's not Keith Urban, bro. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| And then there's that Korean guy who was in Hawaii Five-0, and they wound up leaving Hawaii Five-0. | ||
| They were pissed off. | ||
| They were saying that they don't get enough respect. | ||
| Like, the Asian actors weren't getting paid as much as the white actors. | ||
| In Hawaii Five-0? | ||
| Yeah, that was the complaint. | ||
| I don't know if it's true. | ||
| I don't know if I would complain if I was on a show in Hawaii. | ||
| I'd be like, yeah, you can pay me in fucking Doritos. | ||
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| Dude, I think after a while, you just get tired of everything you're doing. | ||
| If you're doing somebody's show and it's in paradise, you get tired of being in paradise, I bet. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Don't they say people get island fever? | ||
| Right. | ||
| They move to, like, Oahu, and then after a while they're like, I gotta get out of here! | ||
| I can't do this! | ||
| Well, I guess. | ||
| I don't know if I could. | ||
| I would love to do that. | ||
| That's a fever I would not mind getting. | ||
| Do you see yourself living in Maui in the future? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| My buddy opened a bar there. | ||
| Your buddy opened a bar in Maui? | ||
| Yeah, and he said, I opened a bar. | ||
| It's a true story. | ||
| And I go, can I get a job? | ||
| And he goes, what do you mean? | ||
| I go, I don't know. | ||
| Can I bartend? | ||
| And he was like, yeah. | ||
| The house emcee. | ||
| I don't want to fucking be the house MC, man. | ||
| Just have a microphone and start talking to people. | ||
| Where are you from, Bob? | ||
| That sounds horrible. | ||
| That went from really paradisic... | ||
| Is that a word? | ||
| Yeah, it is now. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to be a fucking... | ||
| I don't want a microphone. | ||
| It would be nice to bartend and be like, yeah, rum and coke, get a couple Mai Tais over here. | ||
| Just be like cocktail, you know what I mean? | ||
| They can give you a sweet apartment above the bar and you just wake up with a pounding headache every day because you're just drinking yourself to death in paradise. | ||
| Yeah, fuck yeah. | ||
| Sign me up, dude. | ||
| The sound of the water crashing into the bottom of the building. | ||
| Hit some waves. | ||
| There's like stone pylons that hold this bar up and it's just elevated over, partially elevated over the water. | ||
| Eat some lychee off the tree, fresh lychee. | ||
| It's really a contradiction. | ||
| It's a conundrum because you're in paradise. | ||
| It's the most beautiful place on earth. | ||
| It's peaceful. | ||
| You're relaxed. | ||
| You've given away all your personal belongings. | ||
| You're a pure minimalist now. | ||
| What do you have? | ||
| You have a few pairs of shorts, some flip-flops, and a microphone in case the microphone downstairs breaks because that's what you do now. | ||
| You go down and talk to people. | ||
| You go down tonight. | ||
| Nick, do you do stand-up anymore? | ||
| Well, I kind of do stand-up. | ||
| I mean, I have a mic, but, you know, they never know when I'm coming. | ||
| I have a mic, so yeah, it's kind of whenever I want to do it immediately. | ||
| You're telling me you wouldn't go to a bar if you knew that every night Joey Diaz was gonna take a microphone and just start walking through the crowd and talking shit. | ||
| 100% I would do that. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Yeah, but that's Joey Diaz. | ||
| Like, I wouldn't be good at that. | ||
| You wouldn't be now, but you gotta get better. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Gotta get better at being a bar guy. | ||
| Bar MC? The House MC. It's a skill, man, like anything else, like playing golf, like jerking off. | ||
| You get better at it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Doesn't make sense. | ||
| It doesn't, but I think it does. | ||
| No. | ||
| Maybe you could just be like, you turn into a singer. | ||
| Everybody's like, Nick, you should really tell jokes again. | ||
| No, man, I'm just Jimmy Buffett songs. | ||
| But I make them in my voice, though, so I'm like, diarrhea! | ||
| And then have everybody clap. | ||
| Yeah, you could have, like, funny songs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's the move. | ||
| Alright, I'm on board. | ||
| I gotta go to dinner, Joe. | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| Do you have to leave right now? | ||
| Vegan place, pretty soon, yeah. | ||
| You going to a vegan place? | ||
| Dude, you're healthy and up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are you doing? | |
| I know, I'm trying to, uh... | ||
| Just kind of get back into shape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| So I'm getting back into the gym and I've been pretty good with my diet. | ||
| I'm getting kind of fascinated by diet. | ||
| So I've been off dairy for eight years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And then I've been pretty much cutting out sugar. | ||
| I have like dark chocolate if I really like start craving shit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But I'm trying to like really get my body. | ||
| I'm like really fascinated by diet. | ||
| It's my new fascination. | ||
| Well, you find the difference, right? | ||
| You eat healthy and you feel it. | ||
| I found the difference. | ||
| When I quit eating dairy, and it was some random dude at a juice bar who worked there, and I was always sick, and he was like, hey man, you're always sick, Swartzen. | ||
| And I go, yeah. | ||
| And he was like, do you eat a lot of dairy? | ||
| And I go, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, do this. | ||
| He goes, quit eating dairy for two weeks, see how you feel. | ||
| He's like, cold turkey. | ||
| And I go, okay, fuck it. | ||
| So I did, and I haven't been back in eight years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| My sleep, everything. | ||
| My stomach never got sick, never got migraines. | ||
| It changed everything. | ||
| And then I got super fascinated by that. | ||
| I still drank my tits off, you know what I mean? | ||
| Have you ever tried raw milk? | ||
| No. | ||
| Apparently some people have an issue with homogenized and pasteurized milk, and they don't have it with raw milk. | ||
| Or they don't have it with goat's milk, too. | ||
| Especially raw goat's milk. | ||
| I've heard about goat's milk. | ||
| I just want to just bypass all of it. | ||
| I do, like, almond milk and rice milk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's... | ||
| It's an ethical thing to bypass, too, if you really stop and think about it, because there's something fucking creepy about mass-produced, like, handles yanking on titties. | ||
| These cows that are, like, kind of perpetually pregnant. | ||
| Like, isn't that what the cows, like, they're constantly nursing, right? | ||
| So they make them get knocked up in order to have the milk come out, right? | ||
| The milk doesn't just come out. | ||
| It comes out when they're nursing. | ||
| It's a little weird. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Fuck yeah, it's weird. | ||
| It's fucking weird. | ||
| But I want to try to fuck with going vegan for a little bit and just see how it is. | ||
| How do you feel so far? | ||
| How long have you been doing it? | ||
| Two days. | ||
| But I mean, for the most part, I don't really eat a lot of red meat. | ||
| I mean, I eat like chicken and fish, but I'm gonna try to go vegan. | ||
| I'm gonna try to do it for like two weeks. | ||
| You know, one way that you can get protein that's very ethical and you don't even have to think about it too much is scallops and mussels and things along those lines. | ||
| When you eat... | ||
| What the fuck are they called? | ||
| Mollusks? | ||
| Is that the word? | ||
| Mollusk? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shellfish? | |
| Shellfish is what I'm looking for. | ||
| Shellfish in particular, especially like clams and like... | ||
| Oysters? | ||
| Yeah, oysters and things along those lines. | ||
| They're so primitive, they don't even have like nervous systems. | ||
| We just think of them as like an animal, like a living creature, because they can move. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because they can close this. | ||
| But a Venus flytrap is probably way more sophisticated, and it's a plant. | ||
| Way more sophisticated an organism than that. | ||
| And then, especially when you're talking about those acacia trees, they'll have this communication set that... | ||
| There's nothing going on like that with mollusks. | ||
| They're like really stupid. | ||
| They're super ancient life forms that are kind of meat, but they're almost like what we're talking about, like that fucking gelatinous thing inside of the box. | ||
| That's what they're like. | ||
| You can eat it? | ||
| Yeah, scallops are amazing. | ||
| I mean, I've had scallops. | ||
| They're amazing. | ||
| Is a mollusk a scallop? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| A scallop is a mollusk. | ||
| Like a clam's a mollusk, a muscle's a mollusk. | ||
| Oh, that's a genre of a thing. | ||
| Meanwhile, I'm not an expert. | ||
| Five minutes ago, I couldn't even remember the name of it. | ||
| I just forgot. | ||
| Yeah, scallops are amazing. | ||
| But those things are a good way. | ||
| Oysters, they're a good way to get protein. | ||
| A lot of them is sustainable. | ||
| A lot of those things are sustainable because they actually make farms of them. | ||
| They grow them on the ground. | ||
| The same way you would grow fruit. | ||
| They grow them on the ground of an ocean, obviously. | ||
| But the same way you would grow fruit or grow vegetables. | ||
| You can grow these things. | ||
| And they're a good source of... | ||
| Quote, unquote, animal protein in an ethical way. | ||
| These things are so primitive. | ||
| They're not feeling shit. | ||
| They're not getting bummed out that you're eating them. | ||
| They just clamp down and close. | ||
| They're super-duper primitive. | ||
| Are they high in protein? | ||
| Yeah, very high in protein. | ||
| Really good for you. | ||
| Oysters are a good way, too, especially oysters in olive oil. | ||
| It's a good way to stay in a fat-based diet, like ketogenic diet, because there's so much fat in them. | ||
| For the olive oil and then the oysters themselves, very, very healthy for you. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, really good for your body. | ||
| I got sick from oysters. | ||
| I had too many one time. | ||
| Raw oysters are a different story, you know. | ||
| Raw oysters, you really gotta get fresh stuff. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Talking about cooked, smoked oysters, you get in like cans. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Like, I take them with me on the road. | ||
| I'll buy them in bulk and I'll take them with me on the road so I have healthy snacks like in my hotel room. | ||
| Canned oysters? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Canned shit bad for you? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm sure there's some leeching of all sorts of different things when you put something into a container. | ||
| I wouldn't say you should eat it every day, because I used to eat sardines every day, but I turned positive for arsenic. | ||
| They found traces of arsenic in my system. | ||
| It's deadly. | ||
| It is. | ||
| But apparently it's just one of the heavy metals that is at the bottom of the ocean that's affected by pollution. | ||
| The levels of it are affected by pollution. | ||
| And so these sardines in particular, they're kind of bottom feeders. | ||
| And if you're in a polluted area and you get sardines from a polluted area, they'll have heavy metals in them. | ||
| You know, like mercury is a big one. | ||
| Right, yeah, mercury is huge. | ||
| You always hear that, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I got off the sardines for a while and went back and got tested. | ||
| It was 100% clean. | ||
| They were like, it's got to be the sardines. | ||
| I said, totally makes sense. | ||
| Can't eat them every day, bro. | ||
| I was eating like three or four cans a day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Jesus. | ||
| Yeah, three or four cans of anything. | ||
| Isn't that high in sodium, too? | ||
| Sodium's okay. | ||
| Just drink, as long as you drink water. | ||
| Sodium's fine. | ||
| Like, the idea, like, there's a total misconception about sodium causing high blood pressure and heart attacks that was all based on a bullshit study that somebody pushed through. | ||
| What was that study? | ||
| Like, sodium does not cause high blood pressure. | ||
| Google that. | ||
| Because there was, like, this whole bogus study that people keep repeating over and over again about salt. | ||
| Obviously, if you have too much of anything, it'll kill you, right? | ||
| Like, we talked about water. | ||
| Too much water will fuck you up. | ||
| Too much salt will definitely kill you. | ||
| Too many Starbursts. | ||
| If you drink a pound of salt, you're a fucking dead man. | ||
| You're a dead man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You can eat a pound of meat. | ||
| It's time to end the war on salt. | ||
| The zealous drive by politicians to limit our salt intake has little basis in science. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's bullshit. | ||
| Not only that, it's an essential mineral. | ||
| Like, you need salt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't want to have too much of it. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Meaning, like, you don't want to cover everything in salt, just like you don't want to drink too much water, just like you don't want to eat too much fruit. | ||
| Like, if you eat too many oranges, it's not good. | ||
| You get a hundred oranges, it's not good for you. | ||
| Yeah, it's horrible. | ||
| So much sugar. | ||
| So much sugar, yeah. | ||
| But to have a good, healthy amount of salt in your diet, especially, like, Himalayan salt is really good for you. | ||
| Yeah, that's really good. | ||
| That shit's ancient. | ||
| These things are like Himalayan salt. | ||
| That salt crystal thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This thing? | |
| That little lamp. | ||
| That salt lamp. | ||
| What if you ate that? | ||
| See that one over there? | ||
| That's lit. | ||
| What if you ate that? | ||
| Probably be super good for you. | ||
| Make your dick hard as a rock. | ||
| That thing's supposed to emit energy, man. | ||
| Feels like it. | ||
| Doesn't it while it's over there? | ||
| Jamie, remind me to replace the battery in that one or whatever the fuck it needs. | ||
| Does it need a new bulb? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It burned me. | |
| Yeah, don't fuck with it. | ||
| Did it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Dude, that'd be sweet. | ||
| Is it plugged in anymore? | ||
| I think I unplugged it. | ||
| I hope you did. | ||
| Jesus Christ, it doesn't work. | ||
| You just keep it plugged in while it's just in there cooking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Might come back on sometimes. | |
| Start smoking. | ||
| Yeah, but I've been good with diet. | ||
| I'm like really fascinated by it. | ||
| So you got somebody doing this for you? | ||
| You talking to a nutritionist? | ||
| I'm just kind of reading shit and just going by... | ||
| As long as you make sure that you get... | ||
| What you really should do, really should do, and I can send you to a guy, is go to a real good doctor that specializes in nutritional profiles and get your blood work done. | ||
| And let them find out, like, do you need, maybe you need niacin, you need vitamin D, you need vitamin B, like here, you're low in this, you're low in that. | ||
| There's a lot of stuff that people neglect, and they don't even know. | ||
| You know, you don't know until you actually get your blood work done. | ||
| You don't know what's low, what's okay. | ||
| I do want to do that. | ||
| I mean, I take a lot of vitamins and stuff, and I think I kind of, like, I'm doing a decent job just going rogue. | ||
| That was my last tattoo, by the way. | ||
| Rogue. | ||
| How drunk were you when you... | ||
| I was actually pretty decent there. | ||
| I got in Vegas. | ||
| Why did you decide to write Rogue in your arm? | ||
| Because me and my buddies, when we're partying, my buddy will text me like, hey, you want to go to the gym? | ||
| And I'm like, I'm going fucking Rogue, dude. | ||
| That just means that I'm signing up for a bender. | ||
| You're a good partier, though, dude. | ||
| I'll tell you, I've run into you going rogue many times, and it's never been anything but hugs and laughs. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| No, I'm like a really good drunk. | ||
| I know how to do it, and I know... | ||
| People see me, I post photos and shit, I'm always out raging. | ||
| And I'm not always raging, but when I do, it's really controlled. | ||
| No, you're good at it. | ||
| You're good at it. | ||
| I've built up a tolerance, and I know what I'm doing. | ||
| I don't just do any shot that's handed to me. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I keep it very simple, but yeah, I get really fired up. | ||
| I love drinking and going out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm never, like, fighter guy, or I'm never, like, moody, dark guy. | ||
| That's the worst. | ||
| The depressed cry guy? | ||
| No, it's terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| Will you stop? | ||
| Why are you crying? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love her! | ||
| It's like, alright. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| You broke up! | ||
| It happens! | ||
| Yeah, so... | ||
| It's good for you. | ||
| Yeah, I'll never quit drinking. | ||
| Drinking's too fun, man. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I'm glad you said that. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I'll take breaks, but... | ||
| I like drinking. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I just don't like the effects of it on the body. | ||
| But that's the fucking trade-off. | ||
| The trade-off is it's fun for a little while, and then you're like, oh. | ||
| I was in Italy. | ||
| I drank wine every night. | ||
| I was in Italy. | ||
| I just got back. | ||
| I drank wine seven nights in a row. | ||
| I drank many glasses of wine. | ||
| I ate pasta seven nights in a row. | ||
| I totally went off the rails with my diet. | ||
| Gained five pounds. | ||
| You have to. | ||
| It's Italy. | ||
| That's what I'm saying, dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You gotta go off the rails. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta go off the rails. | ||
| You gotta enjoy yourself. | ||
| But it's fun to go off the rails and get back on the rails, and you appreciate being on the rails. | ||
| I like the way you think. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you're not a drunk that I'd ever avoid. | ||
| There's certain people, we all know them. | ||
| You see them drunk and you're like, oh no. | ||
| I can't be responsible for this. | ||
| I gotta get out of here. | ||
| Yeah, no, it's scary. | ||
| There's some comics where I'm like, oof, I gotta babysit this person? | ||
| There's some dark motherfuckers, man. | ||
| Dude, read this text. | ||
| Can you believe she said that to me, bro? | ||
| I'm like, oh my god, I can't do this. | ||
| I can't do this. | ||
| I can't read your texts. | ||
| I can't help you with this. | ||
| This is yours. | ||
| Yeah, people go, bad rogue. | ||
| She's got my kids, bro! | ||
| Okay! | ||
| Okay! | ||
| I got it. | ||
| Hey, look at the time. | ||
| You're not thinking rational. | ||
| You're drunk. | ||
| You partied into a family. | ||
| Meanwhile, in the middle of it, like he's going through Tinder. | ||
| I'm just fucking swiping, thinking about her, man. | ||
| I don't even want to take this. | ||
| Fucking the worst. | ||
| I lost one of my best friends who's like one of my rogue fucking buddies and he, my roommate, was friends with his ex-girlfriend and they were watching a movie and I came home and I went to bed and said hi to him and then the next day he flipped out on me and I texted him and I go, what's up man? | ||
| He's like, my ex-girlfriend was at your fucking house. | ||
| And I go, yeah, he's watching a movie with my So you were supposed to tell him that his ex-girlfriend is dating your buddy? | ||
| Yeah, it was so bizarre. | ||
| And he was one of my best friends and he won't talk to me. | ||
| He got mad that you didn't tell him about it? | ||
| Yeah, and it's been a year and he won't talk to me anymore. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Now, did he want you to stop it in some way? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I never found out. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| So, I could understand, like, if you told him, he would just get bummed out, right? | ||
| Well, that's the thing. | ||
| They were just watching a movie. | ||
| It wasn't like a... | ||
| But they weren't dating. | ||
| It was just really weird. | ||
| Anyway, my point being is that... | ||
| Listen, they watched a movie while you were around. | ||
| As soon as you got out of the room, there was a lot of sucking... | ||
| But it's like, it's like bad rogue friend that just gets fucking, you know, I just can't deal with drama. | ||
| Like when I go out, I don't want drama. | ||
| Nobody does. | ||
| I think what we were talking about earlier, how chimps have this horrific behavior, I think there's some of that that's left over in people. | ||
| And I think it comes out when you get involved in relationships and breakups. | ||
| I think you see that angry chimp come out sometimes. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Alcohol is one of those things, obviously. | ||
| It affects people. | ||
| Not just even alcohol, it's just jealousy, too, though. | ||
| Just jealousy as well. | ||
| Yeah, but also, jealousy fueled with alcohol is a disaster. | ||
| Look at people that are in jail right now because they got drunk and got jealous and pulled out a gun or pulled out a baseball bat and just went... | ||
| And then add coke to that and you get confident. | ||
| Drunk, jealous, confident, crazed, righteous. | ||
| I'll show her. | ||
| Like, you're living in some stupid two-dimensional movie. | ||
| Like, you don't even think about the consequences. | ||
| Dude, I can't even... | ||
| Cocaine, I can't even do. | ||
| I never got really into it. | ||
| I mean, I definitely did it, but I was never one of those guys that was just... | ||
| I mean, I have friends still that go hard in the paint with that. | ||
| And they're, like, creeping into their 40s. | ||
| And there's still every weekend. | ||
| Duncan has a great bit on Adderall and cocaine that I wish I could share with the audience. | ||
| You'll have to go see him. | ||
| Duncan Trussell live in New York City. | ||
| Love you, Duncan. | ||
| Doing a lot of stand-up. | ||
| He moved. | ||
| He's happy there. | ||
| I'm very upset. | ||
| Does he like it? | ||
| I was hoping he hated it. | ||
| He's living in Brooklyn. | ||
| He's like the king of Brooklyn. | ||
| I can see him liking Brooklyn. | ||
| Yeah, they took him in. | ||
| They gave him fresh hats. | ||
| He's like, hey guys! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey! | |
| You guys are sweeties! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god! | |
| This is awesome! | ||
| This is amazing! | ||
| He did a recent podcast, folks, with Aubrey Marcus. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| His live podcasts are incredible. | ||
| Really good. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he's got a fucking cult. | ||
| Duncan's essentially running a cult. | ||
| He would be the best cult leader. | ||
| He has a house omer. | ||
| He has a guy who's like the House Om guy now. | ||
| The guy did Om, and did Om so good, and his name was like fucking Bobby something, like Shala Manga, some fucking ancient, you know, Swami Rick or something like that. | ||
| And this guy does an Om in front of his live audience, and it was so good. | ||
| He's like, will you be the House Om guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey! | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that guy's the House Om guy. | ||
| Every time Duncan does a show, that guy's going to do Om's for him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Om. | |
| Good Lord. | ||
| He has a chant that he does. | ||
| We've done it before, like in audiences. | ||
| We started off a show with it once. | ||
| It didn't work. | ||
| It was a disaster. | ||
| It was a terrible idea. | ||
| We started off a show where we all got on stage and had the audience om, and then Duncan went and did stand-up. | ||
| But they were so weirded out by the om. | ||
| They were like, what the fuck are you guys doing? | ||
| That's so bizarre. | ||
| We did it a couple of times. | ||
| We did it a couple of times to bless the show. | ||
| Check out his Twitch channel, too. | ||
| Duncan does a Twitch stream every so often. | ||
| What is he doing here? | ||
| He's like James Corden dancing in some way, but he had a mask on and his girlfriend was holding a thing. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| It's pretty fun to watch. | ||
| Yeah, he's out of his mind. | ||
| Duncan wrote on my... | ||
| He's got a vagina mask. | ||
| Is that a vagina? | ||
| Looks like a vagina. | ||
| He's wearing a vagina mask. | ||
| I had my show on Comedy Central pretend time, a sketch show, and it was, like, really aggressive and weird. | ||
| So I was like, oh, Duncan, you gotta write on it. | ||
| So I brought Duncan on to write, and every sketch he would hand in, I was always like, alright, what the fuck is this gonna be? | ||
| And it was always so insane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, no, like, you're playing, like, a pussy, and it, like, shits out, like, elves, and, like, the elves, like, Like to juggle knives and then they like eat each other's asses. | |
| I was just like, don't duck in. | ||
| I would have to like adjust every sketch or try to find what is arable out of it. | ||
| But I mean there were like obviously moments of brilliance but sometimes I was like, dude what in the fuck is this? | ||
| What in the fuck indeed. | ||
| Nick Swartzen, don't change. | ||
| I won't. | ||
| You're beautiful. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| And you play a good game of pool, sir. | ||
| And your show is still available. | ||
| People can see that. | ||
| Typical Rick. | ||
| Me and Dirt Nasty. | ||
| It's the guy who directed Grandma's Boy. | ||
| You're at the Comedy Store all the time. | ||
| You're touring all the time. | ||
| Getting ready for my new Netflix special coming out. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| When are you doing that? | ||
| I don't know yet. | ||
| It's going to be next spring, but it might be sooner because the sets are coming together. | ||
| All my dates are posted on real Nick Swartz on Instagram and Nick Swartz on Twitter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Website? | |
| Do you have a website, or you just don't do that anymore? | ||
| The website's coming up. | ||
| We're developing it right now, so it'll be up soon. | ||
| But I'll post it on my social media, and then I got a bunch of dates up until Christmas. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, if you haven't seen Nick Live, it's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Thanks, dude. | ||
| And this was a lot of fun, man. | ||
| Yeah, brother, I love you, man. | ||
| How come we haven't done this in like six years? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| I know, it's fucking nuts. | ||
| We see each other all the time. | ||
| We did a podcast six years ago. | ||
| Well, we did it. | ||
| Let's do it more often. | ||
| We'll do it more often. | ||
| I'm going to do the laser blast companion. | ||
| I'm for sure down for that. | ||
| That's going to happen. | ||
| So we'll do that as soon as we set up the new studio, which should be within the next month or so. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Thanks, everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cheers. | |
| See you tomorrow with Dorian Yates, former multiple-time Mr. Olympian, motherfuckers. | ||
| Mr. Olympian? |
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