June 19, 2017 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:26:32
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| People like it's not natural. | ||
| I say, what the fuck is natural? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Powerful Morgan Murphy, we are live. | |
| We are live! | ||
| We are live! | ||
| How are ya? | ||
| What the fuck's going on? | ||
| Is that a Spaceballs t-shirt you're wearing? | ||
| Uh, no, it's, um... | ||
| It's a No Limit Soldier t-shirt. | ||
| Oh, shit, like Master P? Whatever happened to that dude? | ||
| Mystical. | ||
| He's got a weed store, I think. | ||
| See Murder. | ||
| Ooh, See Murder. | ||
| Isn't he in jail for murder? | ||
| How odd. | ||
| There's a lot of, uh... | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people are in jail for murder right now. | ||
| It's very big. | ||
| LAUGHTER Yeah, you don't have to do your entire life though. | ||
| I used to think that every time you murder someone, that's it, you go to jail for life. | ||
| People get out of jail for murder. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That seems a little fucked up. | ||
| Doesn't it seem a little fucked up? | ||
| A little fucked up to have to... | ||
| I wonder if they go back to their hometown where they murdered somebody. | ||
| That's always the fucked up part to me. | ||
| It's like going back to the place where you're the town murderer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fucked up in a moment of just to freak out. | ||
| You could change your whole life. | ||
| Your life's fucked. | ||
| And another person's life just isn't around anymore. | ||
| Just stops. | ||
| Done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The finality of it all. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's a little uncomfortable. | ||
| I don't want you snapping. | ||
| I feel like you could snap. | ||
| I'm not a snapper. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| I'm super calm. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, pretty much. | ||
| Especially in, like, physical altercation type stuff. | ||
| I'm very aware of consequences. | ||
| What if you were on, like, your tenth lift of something, like an aggressive workout, and you're in the middle, you have all the, you know... | ||
| All your energy is just moving forward and you're lifting the kettle thing and it's number 10 and someone just comes in and tells you your mom's stupid. | ||
| I would be even less likely to do anything because I'm already exerted. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I think of the body. | ||
| This is a shitty theory with no biology attached to it at all. | ||
| But I think the body is like a battery. | ||
| And I think almost like maybe a battery if a battery was a bucket. | ||
| And this thing can overflow. | ||
| And I think that's what you get when you get road rage. | ||
| That's what you get when you get people that snap for no reason. | ||
| I think they're already coming at you at like eight. | ||
| They're not like, hi, I'm Morgan. | ||
| Hi, I'm Joe. | ||
| And we meet each other at zero. | ||
| I think some people are meeting you. | ||
| They're already at six. | ||
| And they're just ready to snap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It has nothing to do with you. | ||
| They should have let a little out at the Starbucks, a little out in the car, a little out, you know, at home with the kids. | ||
| And then they wouldn't murder anybody at the end of it. | ||
| And people will say, well, you know, you just need to work on your breathing. | ||
| And well, you need to work on your being present. | ||
| And you need to be mindful. | ||
| And I think all those things are correct. | ||
| But I really think that your body has a certain amount of requirements. | ||
| And I think, depending upon your stress level, those physical requirements might be higher. | ||
| If you have a job, and your job is some high-level accountant at some big firm, and you're crunching numbers, and it's fucking stressful as shit, I feel like your body thinks that there is some physical danger involved in this. | ||
| And I think your body amps up for that. | ||
| And then when the physical danger doesn't come, Your body is just fucking primed and ready to go, but there's nothing. | ||
| There's no action. | ||
| There's no fucking action. | ||
| This fucking cunt cut me off! | ||
| And then they start doing that shit. | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| They get in their car and they're just, fuck you, fuck you! | ||
| Because in your car, you're ramped up even more. | ||
| Because in your car, you're aware that you have to be really acutely Be aware of everything that's around you. | ||
| You have to make sure that no one's making any mistakes, because you're all going 65 miles an hour, and a little error can happen really quickly. | ||
| So you're on edge already when you're in your car, even if you're calm. | ||
| Even if you're calm when you're in your car, your sensors are tuned in. | ||
| You're fucking paying attention if you're a healthy human being. | ||
| You're looking left. | ||
| You're looking in the mirror. | ||
| You're looking right. | ||
| You're checking to make sure that you're okay. | ||
| You're making sure that no one's doing anything stupid. | ||
| And then you compound that with the stress of your daily life with no physical release. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We don't have animals chasing us anymore. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And we don't have invading tribes. | ||
| That would be fun, though, to have a buffalo chase you all day. | ||
| And then you would release the proper amount of energy given the threat. | ||
| It would be realistic. | ||
| We'd have a more realistic population number, too. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| That would be one thing. | ||
| We don't like that, though. | ||
| Whenever anything gets too close, we just kill them off. | ||
| Just kill them off. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Fuck having buffaloes everywhere. | ||
| Fuck, kill them. | ||
| Fucking kill them! | ||
| Stop! | ||
| Stop! | ||
| There's consequences! | ||
| I gotta go to work! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kill it! | |
| Kill it! | ||
| That's a bigger problem right now in America. | ||
| Do you know that they reintroduced wolves into America in the 1990s? | ||
| Now there's this giant debate whether or not wolves should be here. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Where'd they do that? | ||
| Yellowstone. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think they're badass. | ||
| But you gotta keep an eye on the fuckers. | ||
| Yeah, I got a lot of coyotes in my neighborhood. | ||
| I have a lot of coyote neighbors. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Super common. | ||
| See them all the time. | ||
| I had a biologist on who tracks coyotes. | ||
| That's what he does. | ||
| Oh, he does track coyotes around Los Angeles. | ||
| And he's like, dude, they're fucking everywhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they were living in middle of downtown LA in the most crowded area. | ||
| They had a den. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I call my neighbors when there's a coyote. | ||
| If I see a coyote going up their driveway, I call them if somebody knocks on the door asking for money for some organization. | ||
| Everyone gives each other an alert. | ||
| Oh, that's nice. | ||
| Coyotes or, you know, people for environmental LA or whatever. | ||
| Yeah, those people just knocking on your door. | ||
| Ooh, that's a bad feeling. | ||
| I gave them money for bees one time. | ||
| They got me all nervous about bees and saving the bees and I was like, oh shit. | ||
| I really went from like, I'm having coffee and a cigarette to like, oh, I gotta save the bees now. | ||
| It's my responsibility to solely do it. | ||
| Doesn't that also depend on like where your head's at, right? | ||
| Like if your head is in a really good place and someone knocks on the door and you don't know who they are, it's cool. | ||
| You're like, hi. | ||
| You're like, hi, we're here to save chimpanzees. | ||
| You're like, oh, okay. | ||
| Like, what do you guys do? | ||
| And then you start talking to them. | ||
| Well, if they can, like, within a minute, make you understand something you didn't understand before, you're like, oh, shit, now I gotta pay attention. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like, they sucked me in. | ||
| Because I wasn't aware of our bee situation. | ||
| Oh, so they immediately hit you with some facts. | ||
| They hit me with some facts. | ||
| And I was like, oh, boy. | ||
| Now, how are they gonna save these bees? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Just gave them money? | ||
| With my $40. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just take this paper and just go handle it, son. | |
| Go handle it. | ||
| Yeah, if the bees die, we're dead. | ||
| We're all dead, apparently. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Except in China, they figured out a way to pollinate things with just a brush. | ||
| There was an issue where they were really low on bees and they tried reintroducing bees and it didn't take. | ||
| So last ditch effort was they took people with a paintbrush and they dusted the pollen on all these different plants. | ||
| Like one at a time? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They literally pollinated all these plants. | ||
| And apparently it worked way better. | ||
| Because bees are sort of non-specific. | ||
| Like, bees are just going over there and they're doing their thing and they just get shit on their body and it transfers over to the plants. | ||
| It's really kind of fascinating how it works. | ||
| But these people did it very specifically with a paintbrush. | ||
| It was really interesting. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard to do a bee's job as a person. | ||
| See if we can find the video of it. | ||
| It's kind of fucking weird. | ||
| Because, like, you could make the argument, like, we don't really need bees. | ||
| Unless you want honey. | ||
| Honey's not even really good for you. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| That was going through my head, and then they explained to me why we need bees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which I forgot, but it was a... | |
| It was enough. | ||
| I had a guy come to me at Whole Foods. | ||
| This is my most intrusive. | ||
| I think the most intrusive is when you're in the parking lot at Whole Foods, because that's when they usually get you. | ||
| When you're walking out, they try to get you right as you're walking out, and it's fucking hot outside. | ||
| And you have, like, ice cream and shit. | ||
| And you're like, hey, dude. | ||
| You also have, like, $17 ice cream, so they know you have a few bucks. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Now, because of Amazon, we won't have to do that anymore. | ||
| Amazon just bought Whole Foods. | ||
| So just be able to one-click your shit. | ||
| But, um, this guy, he hits me up, stops me in the middle, like, stops me, stands in front of my cart, puts his finger up. | ||
| Do you have one minute for gay rights? | ||
| Like, one minute's not gonna help shit, man. | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| I vote? | ||
| Like, what do you want me to do? | ||
| Want me to donate? | ||
| What's this one minute? | ||
| What are you gonna tell me? | ||
| What are you gonna tell me? | ||
| You're not gonna tell me shit. | ||
| I go, no, I do not. | ||
| I vote for gay rights, though. | ||
| Take it easy, man. | ||
| Like, you fucking... | ||
| That's an annoying activist. | ||
| What Whole Foods was this at? | ||
| Woodland Hills. | ||
| Oh, all right. | ||
| Right here. | ||
| Right up the street. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I was trying to, like, figure out politically where that Whole Foods aligns. | ||
| I don't know what the deal is. | ||
| Like, where they're allowed to have people... | ||
| This was a couple years ago, honestly. | ||
| I still complain about it, because I'm kind of a whiny bitch. | ||
| But, um... | ||
| I don't know what the deal is. | ||
| Like, are you allowed to just set up shop anywhere and put like one of those picnic stands and, you know, they have like one of those little plastic tables. | ||
| They set down and they show you a picture of a baby with a bloated belly and they show you... | ||
| Yeah, you hope it's Girl Scout cookies and it turns out to be just a horror show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pending apocalypse. | ||
| I almost think like when I see someone like some kids selling lemonade or something like that, I'm like, oh, this is like you guys are doing like a throwback thing. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I almost feel like, oh, you guys are doing like an old time. | ||
| You're making your own butter. | ||
| Look at your kids. | ||
| This is not sustainable. | ||
| This is not a real thing anybody does anymore. | ||
| You got a lemonade stand? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Did you get a horse and ride your horse over here with this lemonade stand? | ||
| There's always parents now helping the lemonade. | ||
| You can't do it alone. | ||
| You can't do anything alone anymore. | ||
| Always. | ||
| It's always parents there, and it's always those helicopter parents. | ||
| Don't touch the money, Billy! | ||
| Don't put your mouth! | ||
| I would sell, uh, when I was a kid, I would, like, take my books and stuff and sell them in my front yard. | ||
| Like, I would just put them out. | ||
| I thought it was fun to have my own garage sale. | ||
| But I didn't see my mom for, like, you know, seven hours of the day, and I'd come back inside, and she'd go, what'd you do? | ||
| I'm like, I made four dollars. | ||
| Like, she didn't know how I made four dollars. | ||
| I was selling all my shit in the front yard. | ||
| She didn't see me or ask me anything. | ||
| Different times. | ||
| Different times. | ||
| Parents, they just let you out. | ||
| They let you out, but this was in the 80s, which was prime. | ||
| Kidnapping was hot. | ||
| Your mom had faith in your avoidance skills, maybe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You think about how people used to raise people. | ||
| Everybody I talked to, they just let their kids out. | ||
| Like, when you were, you know, my age. | ||
| Like, I'm 49. When I was, like, 7, 42 years ago, they just let you out of the house. | ||
| I used to get kicked out of the house, but I was given a time I had to be back. | ||
| It was a very, like, broken system of, like, get out, but come back by 5 and don't walk under the overpass tunnel. | ||
| Like, I was given rules. | ||
| That's where the trolls go. | ||
| Yeah, I was given rules. | ||
| Like, what year did they stop doing that? | ||
| Like, just letting kids out? | ||
| Like, when did that stop? | ||
| Because everyone my age says the same thing. | ||
| They said when we were kids, did you get just let out of your house, Jamie? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jamie's young. | ||
| How old are you, Jamie? | ||
| 34. He's younger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of 22-year-olds are like, that fucking dude's old as shit, bro! | |
| Somebody called me a geriatric on Twitter the other day. | ||
| I was like, how dare you, you little cunt? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| But if you're Jamie's age, you got let out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We would ride our bikes miles away from our house. | |
| Yeah, but you lived in the woods. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, down like Columbus. | |
| That's the woods, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You might as well be. | |
| I grew up in LA, and I would walk down Ventura Boulevard, which is practically a thoroughfare when you're a kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| And I would walk past, like they had these motels where the door opened directly to the sidewalk. | ||
| You know those motels? | ||
| Oh yeah, those are the best. | ||
| And that was where I was sure I was going to get kidnapped. | ||
| An arm was going to come out and grab me in. | ||
| So I would walk and then I'd hop past the doors. | ||
| The motel doors. | ||
| Those motels. | ||
| To pay my beeper bill. | ||
| Those are weird places. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pay your beeper bill? | ||
| Yeah, I had a beeper. | ||
| I had a pager. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| I was like 12 and that was like what I saved up all my money for because everyone had one. | ||
| Did you have the one that made messages? | ||
| Yeah, I had all that shit, and I would walk down to J&J Beepers in Studio City and pay in cash. | ||
| It's like a 12-year-old, my beeper bill. | ||
| Do you remember J.J. King of Beepers? | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| I think it's the same LA. There was a lot of J&J. I feel like people stole the... | ||
| Stole the name. | ||
| I forgot about that dude. | ||
| The king of beepers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had turquoise, clear. | ||
| You had a clear beeper? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh, those were slick. | |
| Those were slick. | ||
| That's some Star Wars shit. | ||
| I'd page myself so that I had messages in there so people looked at it. | ||
| I had no friends. | ||
| The King of Beepers. | ||
| This is J.J. Beepers, Las Vegas. | ||
| Well, he was in L.A. too. | ||
| I don't know if the same guy. | ||
| Or maybe it's one of those things where it's like Kleenex. | ||
| All the other guys, that's the right name for it. | ||
| Let's just start calling ourselves Kleenex. | ||
| You know, like it became... | ||
| Do you think it was all JJ? Well, it's like how there's pink dot, but there's also pink elephant. | ||
| Like, I think people just kind of steal a little. | ||
| Pink... | ||
| Pinks? | ||
| They probably started it. | ||
| The hot dog place? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Never been. | ||
| That's the biggest weird fucking event in L.A. There's a goddamn line of people to buy hot dogs. | ||
| Nobody from L.A. Well, here's the thing. | ||
| Put hot dogs on a regular fucking menu. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Better not buy a lot of hot dogs. | ||
| Like if you have a regular restaurant and you have hot dogs as one of the offerings, how often do people... | ||
| Is it even one in a ten? | ||
| You get a hot dog if it's like one of two options. | ||
| Like at Burbank Airport, you can get a hot dog or like a pre-packaged salad. | ||
| And occasionally I'm like, you know, I want something fresh like a hot dog. | ||
| Or a turkey sandwich that's sort of moist in some weird way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The bread's kind of wet. | ||
| Like, what the fuck is this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wet bread in lieu of mayo or condiments. | ||
| And of course, it's sporting events. | ||
| The UFC, they always have hot dogs. | ||
| A lot of hot dogs at a sporting event. | ||
| It's good food for a sporting event. | ||
| It's recreational food, right? | ||
| Picnics and barbecues. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Always hot dogs, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a good move for a barbecue. | ||
| It's simple. | ||
| You can't really fuck it up. | ||
| If it looks brown on the outside, it's done. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It's already cooked. | ||
| You could eat it raw. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't need to be cooked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could eat it right out of the package. | ||
| So it's a good move for that. | ||
| But somehow or another, Pink's has convinced people just by cooking outside. | ||
| They just have a big open area where they're cooking right in front of you. | ||
| And everybody's like, oh, I want one of those. | ||
| And there's a fucking line. | ||
| Well, I think the line is why people go. | ||
| I think people just go for a line. | ||
| And the line is outside. | ||
| You can see the line. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's not like Astro Burger at like 2 a.m. | ||
| where you can't see the line. | ||
| The line is exciting. | ||
| It's what draws... | ||
| Taurus. | ||
| I think that's Jamie Masada's strategy. | ||
| See the line? | ||
| He's always got that crazy line outside the Laugh Factory. | ||
| And he makes the comics wait in line, too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I haven't been in a little while, but no, no, no, I don't know that. | ||
| Their open mic deal is kind of nuts. | ||
| Like, you have to get there at like 9 in the morning, and you wait outside. | ||
| And if you leave, you lose your spot. | ||
| So you have to, like, have some sort of a friendship with the other comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| That was, like, the comedy store had a situation... | ||
| I mean, the open mic, when I was started, it was, like, 15 years ago, I would... | ||
| Bobby Lee was the host of the open mic. | ||
| And he knew I had to... | ||
| I was in college, I was in school, and I was in class, so I couldn't go all day and wait. | ||
| So he would slide my name into the open mic, and I would get to come after class. | ||
| That's sweet. | ||
| That was real cute. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the open mics were always weird, right? | ||
| They're always weird. | ||
| And in LA, they're extra weird because there's so much... | ||
| I feel like if you can make it to be a professional comedian and you start out in LA, you're a rare person. | ||
| Well, it's all... | ||
| 50-50 comedians and then just mentally ill transients who are also comedians. | ||
| You just wait and you go, alright, it's going to be my friend and then it's going to be that guy who has all of his belongings with him and then it's going to be my other friend and then it's going to be that crazy lady and then it'll be me. | ||
| You just wait. | ||
| Wait and wait and wait. | ||
| And you just wonder what kind of fucking diseases are just festering on that microphone. | ||
| And also just what's the point of this? | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Especially in the beginning. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| To have vision and hope. | ||
| Like what was your initial goal when you first started doing stand-up? | ||
| Really simply, I knew I liked writing a lot, even before I started doing stand-up. | ||
| And I think stand-up, I've tried to figure it out. | ||
| The easiest way to explain it, I think, is that I just wanted to see if what I was writing was funny. | ||
| And so that's sort of why, even when I started, I mean, I'm still deadpan, obviously, but when I started, I was so dry because I was essentially just reading out loud these thoughts I had with no real performance background and I wasn't, you know, necessarily a performer at heart. | ||
| So I was just like reading one-liners and going, is this funny? | ||
| Is this funny? | ||
| Is this funny? | ||
| Get a laugh, keep it. | ||
| Don't get a laugh, throw it away. | ||
| But if you throw it away, like, you never know sometimes. | ||
| Is it me? | ||
| Is it the way I'm delivering it? | ||
| Is this joke, is it a good idea, but it's kind of, it's done wrong? | ||
| Yeah, and then at that time, too, you don't have the ability to perform at a hundred different places, so you're not going, okay, it works in the alternative room, but doesn't work at the club, or it's just like, oh, well, it didn't work at the laundromat, but it worked at the coffeehouse. | ||
| I wonder what that means about this joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's like jokes that'll work at the UCB, but they bomb on the store. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, why? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| Like, why'd that get an applause break at the UCB? And they just fucking stared at me in the main room. | ||
| Following Rick Ingram, they just stared at you. | ||
| Sometimes that UCB is hot. | ||
| I mean, that's just any word that comes out of your mouth. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| And then sometimes, nope. | ||
| It's a weird place. | ||
| It's weird they don't pay, too. | ||
| That's also super weird. | ||
| Yeah, I think if I was... | ||
| I'd be a little less... | ||
| I'm not even that upset about it, but I feel like I'd be less upset if I was, like, involved in the school and realized that it's, oh, it's so kids can take classes at, like, a decent rate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think... | |
| Isn't that what it's for? | ||
| So that kids can take really cheap classes there? | ||
| Isn't that what it sustains? | ||
| Like, the shows? | ||
| What kind of classes do they have? | ||
| They have, like, comedy classes. | ||
| Improv and shit. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Can you teach... | ||
| Well, maybe you can teach improv, huh? | ||
| Do you believe you can teach stand-up? | ||
| I believe you can teach somebody... | ||
| I think you can help somebody, encourage them to get on stage, but I don't think you can teach the ability to be funny. | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't know what... | ||
| Stand-up in what capacity? | ||
| I guess you could teach somebody to... | ||
| You can mold their thoughts into jokes and help them and shove them on stage, but I don't know what kind of comedian that makes. | ||
| Yeah, I feel like, boy, it's one of those things where I've learned a lot about it. | ||
| So I always wonder, like, maybe you can teach something, because I've definitely learned some shit. | ||
| Well, yeah, I mean, people, you know, I think there are... | ||
| If you find out your favorite comedian, you know, sits down and writes an hour a day at a Starbucks or whatever, you go, oh, maybe I'll try that. | ||
| Like, little tricks and things like that, but I don't know. | ||
| I don't know anyone who's, you know... | ||
| Who I deeply, deeply admire who would credit all their success to their comedy classes. | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, there's not enough classes. | ||
| That'd be like a real poor focus group. | ||
| But I know Ari did an interesting thing a while back where he used to go to a town, like when he was doing stand-up, and like he was headlining for the weekend, he would go to a town and he would do like a free seminar for the local comics. | ||
| Tell them, like, this is how you get a manager. | ||
| Stop asking people to take you with them on the road when you're two months into comedy. | ||
| Stop asking, you know, managers to handle you like you just got to get good first and give them all this advice about like getting an agent. | ||
| Yeah, I went to Penn, you know, UPenn recently, and I was talking to some students and I don't like fancy myself like an instructor of any kind, but they were asking me, You know, about comedy, writing specifically and stuff. | ||
| And the advice I gave was very practical and had nothing to do with the craft, which was just like, don't be annoying in the room. | ||
| Don't, you know, like in a TV, like in the writing for like a TV show and like jokes don't work, don't go, that didn't work, that's not your job to say that, like that kind of shit. | ||
| Just like how to get through the first year without annoying everybody. | ||
| I think that's not like taught. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah, that's smart. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Like, shut up is a great rule. | ||
| You can make big mistakes. | ||
| Yeah, you can be a person that nobody wants to work with. | ||
| It doesn't matter how talented you are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, writers oftentimes are very awkward, right? | ||
| They can be it depends like the rooms are very split into when I got into like sitcom stuff like it's just very split into Very just internal Kind of what you would typically think of as like a writer and then there's a couple comedians sprinkled in there who kind of bounce more jokes around It's just a women people who are just good at structure Hmm Yeah, that's an interesting thing the people that are good at structure Because sometimes they try to be funny Sometimes. | ||
| The thing I like about those rooms, obviously it's so much fun to be in a room with comedians, but once you realize, oh, that person can do a thing I can't and I can do a thing they can't, you start to realize, oh, we could go into a room and get a lot of work done together. | ||
| That is the thing, right? | ||
| It's like lining up the pieces. | ||
| No matter how much you want a square and a circle to line up, they just don't seem to. | ||
| When you have a writer's room or anything like that, I think a big part of it depends on just the fortunate chemistry of all the people coming together. | ||
| Yeah, and that first day where you show up, if it's not your room and you haven't hired anybody and you don't know who's there, is terrifying. | ||
| Because you show up and you know within five minutes if... | ||
| This is going to be a fun X number of months or if you're just going to be trudging through. | ||
| What's the biggest shit show you ever had to work on? | ||
| I've had really, like, tremendously good luck as far as, like, just working with friends and stuff on so many things. | ||
| But I worked on an award show once, and the boss basically didn't let me write jokes. | ||
| Like, they needed to hire a woman, and I guess I was recommended. | ||
| And I was like, I'll take a stab at these jokes. | ||
| And he was like, no, no, no, just write the banter where it says, like, coming up next is this person. | ||
| And I was like, well, anyone can do that. | ||
| He just literally wouldn't allow me to write jokes. | ||
| So you got hired as a joke writer, and then once you got there, he just wanted you to write narrative? | ||
| Just banter, just like, you know, like our next guest is, you know, from... | ||
| The hangover and please welcome him. | ||
| Is that what they call it? | ||
| They call it banter like when you're writing things? | ||
| Yeah well no I mean like that in my 20s I wrote on a lot of award shows so there's like the jokes the monologue all that stuff and then there's just the going out to commercial and come back in all that stuff has to be written right and sometimes they try to make it funny and sometimes they don't but you can break it up you guys break it up in terms of like this is the these are the jokes this is the banter this is the narrative this is the structure Yeah, the last... | ||
| I mean, I was just writing on the NBA awards that are going to be on in the 26th of the month. | ||
| Drake is hosting on TNT, and it's just like... | ||
| I mean, I've written on the ESPYs before, so this is like that, but for just NBA. And we've been doing... | ||
| You know, it's a combination of, like, I write a lot of monologue jokes. | ||
| There's other guys who are better at sketches, like film sketches, tape pieces. | ||
| There's live comedy stuff on stage. | ||
| Then there's, you know, like I said, like the kind of a little more boring, like this next person is the, you know, two-time MVP. So why did this guy hire you? | ||
| You really think he hired you just because he needed a woman? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, I know he did. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I knew it all. | ||
| I knew it all when it was happening. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| Wouldn't he even let you try? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's foolish. | ||
| Yeah, it was bizarre, and it was the only case of, like, you know, sexism that I think I've been confronted with. | ||
| Which is, I mean, I guess lucky in 15 years, I don't feel like I've... | ||
| I've had that. | ||
| I mean, for years and years and years, I never worked with another woman. | ||
| I was the only girl, and everyone treated me great. | ||
| It's a tougher road for comics to be a woman. | ||
| Yeah, I can't... | ||
| I mean, it's so funny now. | ||
| It's so hard to... | ||
| The landscape right now, I think so many women are being given chances that didn't even exist ten years ago. | ||
| So it's interesting to see. | ||
| But I never had... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I never had, like, those kind of sexist roadblocks, if that makes sense. | ||
| Well, I think that, like, starting and developing as a female is more difficult. | ||
| Just from my personal observations, because men a lot of times don't want to laugh at women. | ||
| They definitely don't want to laugh at women telling them things about, like, politics or world events. | ||
| Like a woman that seems informed, like for whatever reason, they'll tolerate a guy, especially if it's a guy like Ron White, right? | ||
| Distinguished looking gentleman with silver hair. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| One of my favorites. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beautiful voice. | |
| If Ron's up there and he tells people something about some sort of a fact, like people will sit back and listen, oh, I didn't know that. | ||
| If a woman gets on stage and tells a man or group of men about a fact... | ||
| It's very rare. | ||
| They're gonna go, wow, I didn't know that. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| What the fuck does this bitch know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| So there's that. | ||
| That's a roadblock. | ||
| And then the other roadblock is... | ||
| Well, you can do sex jokes now. | ||
| Obviously, Sarah Silverman kind of broke a lot of that down, where so much of her act was just straight dirty and hilarious. | ||
| And then Amy Schumer, of course, and a lot of other people. | ||
| But it's still, when you're developing, when you're starting out, it seems like it's more of a difficult world to navigate than a guy telling sex jokes. | ||
| Yeah, it's a difficult world and it's also like socially it's... | ||
| I think the precarious... | ||
| It's interesting because what I realized when I was, you know, 19, 20 was... | ||
| That aspect of people dating in the scene and all that kind of stuff, all that happens too. | ||
| And I found that if a woman who was new-ish, around my level at the time, was dating somebody else, they were automatically looked at as a comedy groupie. | ||
| And that was the thing that didn't apply to men. | ||
| That was the one part where I was like, I don't... | ||
| I don't quite get that. | ||
| Well, that's not totally true, because I've seen some guys that are dating famous women, and they're sort of like underlings, sort of men, stand-up comics, and everybody treats them like they're a comedy groupie. | ||
| You think? | ||
| I saw that a lot when I was younger, the opposite, where I didn't see men getting tagged with that label. | ||
| But I was so scared and paranoid of being... | ||
| I was so scared of being considered anything other than a comedian that I, for years and years, didn't date anybody in comedy at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's smart. | |
| Because I was worried that if I showed up to a show with a guy who potentially was more successful than me, then the first thought would be, she's the girl who's with that guy, not she's the girl who's going up next. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Not just that, but she's with that guy because of this. | ||
| Right. | ||
| She thinks that's going to be the path. | ||
| When, in fact, there's a lot of people with legitimate relationships where it's not the path, it's just you're attracted to somebody and, you know, eventually, you know, I made my way through a few people. | ||
| That's another prejudice. | ||
| It's just one of those things. | ||
| Another prejudice that you have to sort of overcome. | ||
| Like, if you actually like someone and they happen to be a comic, though, what the fuck do you do? | ||
| Like, you say if you like someone and they happen to be some big-time comedian. | ||
| Like, what are you supposed to do? | ||
| Not like them now? | ||
| And they like you? | ||
| Not like them? | ||
| That's stupid, too. | ||
| It is stupid, but I was... | ||
| Terrified of... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think I was very eager to impress... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I was very eager to prove myself. | ||
| And maybe that is partly... | ||
| Being a woman, as much as I didn't find it harder, I did find myself wanting to prove any stereotype that anyone might have about me wrong. | ||
| I don't feel as much of that as a mission anymore. | ||
| I just am who I am, but I think you have a lot wrapped in your head when you're... | ||
| Especially when you really aren't stable, as far as financially. | ||
| You're really not a real professional anymore. | ||
| Or yet. | ||
| And then once you become one, once you're established in the community, after a while it's like, what am I wasting my time even thinking about this shit for? | ||
| So I think it's harder for chicks to develop. | ||
| But I think once they become good, and once they get out there, there's a lower bar. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think the bar is the same height for most good people. | ||
| And then there's another bar that's higher for the greats. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I don't think the bar is lower for women. | ||
| I think it's lower for people who are not as famous, not as successful, not as established, not as good. | ||
| But... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think the bar is the same for men and women. | ||
| I just think there's a few different bars. | ||
| What I mean by that is that I think that it's easier to get a lot of attention early on if you're good and you're a woman. | ||
| Because there's not that many of them. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| I would apply that to any person who's something that is rare in comedy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like a specific nationality. | ||
| For a little bit. | ||
| But then you have to prove yourself. | ||
| You always have to prove yourself. | ||
| And then, I don't know, I see comedy too in these, there's so many different factions to me. | ||
| There's people who are so great at stand-up and then as a writer and somebody who tries to make projects and wrap them around people, I also see so many people who I go, that's not my favorite stand-up, that's not a great stand-up in my opinion, but that's somebody I would love to write for, that's somebody I'd love to put in a show. | ||
| So I see all these, like, columns of comedians, and I judge people accordingly. | ||
| And I think there are legitimately comedians who are not, like... | ||
| They're never going to be, you know, Pryor, Carlin, or Louie, or anybody like that. | ||
| But you go, oh, I would put them in 100 TV shows as a funny person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| So I don't know. | ||
| I tend to, like, look at it from that perspective, too, where I see the potential almost in spite of the material sometimes. | ||
| Well, there's definitely that, you know. | ||
| And there's also the difference between those guys and the guys that are in funny movies, like Adam Sandler-type movies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| It's got a gang of those guys that are always in those movies. | ||
| And they might not necessarily be the best stand-ups or the kind of guys you want to see, but they're great in those movies. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, and then, but it's, I mean, who's, I don't know, in that group, like, my favorite stand-up is probably Norm, who, I mean, I went to go see the, they did a Netflix movie, and they had, like, a tour with all the actors, you know, the comedians from it, and it couldn't have been a bit different group of comedians, and you go, okay, well, Norm's my favorite stand-up there. | ||
| I go, is Norm, you know... | ||
| gonna be the lead of like a you know Adam Sandler movie probably not but he's the person I would go to any theater any room any you know any any a coffee house whatever it is to go see yeah it's it's one of those things I guess when you're you look at you look at things in categories like you know that Kevin Hart does his own stand-up but you also know that he does movies where other people write the lines and I'm sure he helps make them funnier and all that stuff but essentially. | ||
| And then there's people that go on stage doing stand-up, and you could be like, I guess you could be a really amazing performer. | ||
| And just have some wizards behind the scenes that write for you. | ||
| And you could make a fucking incredible stand-up act. | ||
| Yeah, that stuff's so interesting to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it's rare. | |
| Yeah, I have a very specific... | ||
| If I was to boil down the stand-up comedy that I love and respect the most, it has nothing to do with TV, and it has nothing to do with... | ||
| It's just comedians and who they are on stage, and that's how I... Judge who I love and don't love as a comedian, but there's so many other factors in show business that you have to sort of take into consideration. | ||
| I mean, we like a lot of people who are very famous who might not be The very best, but we know them the most, right? | ||
| Well what I was gonna say is that when you're when you're doing stand-up though for whatever weird reason the people that we all love the most Are almost always people that like write for themselves. | ||
| Yeah, and it's very difficult to get like say you're not gonna get Bill Burr to write for some CAA creation like say if CAA Something fucking comic. | ||
| He's got perfect cheekbones, and he's got a great way of delivering jokes, but he's not capable of writing the right level of material. | ||
| One of the problems is a guy like Burr writes for his own mind. | ||
| He writes for his own thing. | ||
| I'm sure he could write for that guy, but he's not going to get the best stuff. | ||
| He's just not going to be the same. | ||
| Well, that's, yeah, I mean, I've never, I think we've all taken, like, a tag or a segue or something where a friend goes, dude, add this to your joke, and you feel like you already wrote it. | ||
| I mean, I had, like, a three-year fight with somebody in my 20s over who wrote a joke, and I thought he did, and he said I did in a car. | ||
| And I refused to do it until he convinced me that I came up with it, because I was so paranoid about doing a joke that I thought somebody else wrote. | ||
| But, yeah, I mean, and that's the thing, too, is that There's some material that's so fucking great, and I watch it, and I go, I don't know how to make that a show. | ||
| And maybe it's not even supposed to be a show. | ||
| But someone like Louis, I think... | ||
| I mean, I'll repeat his name, he's my favorite, but... | ||
| I could have never written Louie's show. | ||
| Louie had to write Louie's show. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But there's a lot of comedians where I watch some and I go, oh, I know what their show is. | ||
| Well, Louie had to figure that out, though. | ||
| Oh, absolutely. | ||
| When he did Lucky Louie, he did that show on HBO. Yeah. | ||
| I had a conversation with him after it was canceled at the improv, and the first thing he said is, I should have written it myself. | ||
| I would have fired everybody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just written it he goes like the problem a big part of it is just you're dealing with all these people's visions And you're trying to get yours through and it's like yours might not necessarily be better But the problem is it's yours in an order for for the thing to be the thing that you're happy with Like just like your act it kind of has to come through you like Like, say if you were going to do a Netflix special and they said, look, Morgan, we think you're hilarious. | ||
| We'd love to do a Netflix special with you. | ||
| But what we'd like to do is assign a team of executive producers and writers. | ||
| And what they're going to do is they're going to change your look. | ||
| Okay, we're going to go with a goth theme. | ||
| We're going to put black lipstick on you and we're going to just, you know, they're going to come up with some fucking nutty thing that they decide to do and then change the way you deliver material. | ||
| It would be like, what are we doing here? | ||
| And I think that's kind of how Louis felt when he was doing his show. | ||
| There's all these other voices. | ||
| Maybe not as retarded as a goth vampire black lipstick. | ||
| I get so passionate about About making things... | ||
| Like, other people's things. | ||
| Like, I just get excited. | ||
| I see somebody on stage. | ||
| I'm like, I want to... | ||
| You know, like, my job right now is just to develop TV stuff. | ||
| And does it ever fucking happen? | ||
| But you still do stand-up, too? | ||
| You still work a lot with Stanhope? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| We're going on tour for two weeks on Tuesday. | ||
| And then he continues. | ||
| And I have to come back for some writing shit. | ||
| But I get... | ||
| You know, as passionate as I get about stand-up, I get so fucking into the idea of, like, seeing somebody go up... | ||
| Seeing the show that they could have and also wanting them to love it because I'm like no no no I get you I'm not gonna write anything that you would say that you wouldn't do like you want to be as the writer on the other side of that as a person who is sometimes hired to Take a comedian and like get a show out of them. | ||
| Like I like to hope and think that I have a perspective that someone who's not in stand-up Maybe wouldn't have because I'm like I've watched this person so long. | ||
| I know their voice I know what they're commenting on. | ||
| I know the way they're commenting on it And I hope that if I write a script for them and they read it, they're not gonna go fuck this isn't me, right? | ||
| You know, I'm so, I mean, maybe it goes back to, like, wanting to impress or wanting, you know, to be seen as legitimate, but I would never hand somebody something if I thought that it was remotely embarrassing or against their, you know. | ||
| Right, but that's just you. | ||
| A lot of people will. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I mean, I find it to be an interesting sort of responsibility. | ||
| And like, when you're hired to sort of develop shows, there's all this shit they bring you like, hey, there's an article about this. | ||
| Do you want to write a show about this thing? | ||
| And I'm like, every time I say no, I want to write something for a comedian. | ||
| So that's like your specialty. | ||
| It's what you want to do. | ||
| It's what I want to do. | ||
| Just like watching someone from a comedian's perspective and going, oh, I can do something with that. | ||
| Yeah, and also like, I think that there's so many people you see where you go, they're not as successful as I think they should be. | ||
| And I think I know how to fix it. | ||
| Dude, you're a cleaner. | ||
| I'm a cleaner. | ||
| You're a cleaner. | ||
| You're the person they bring in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That would be the wolf in Pulp Fiction. | |
| You're the Harvey Keitel character who pulls up in a silver NSX and it takes notes. | ||
| Some A&E show where it's like, a woman's job is to clean. | ||
| And then it's coming in. | ||
| She's the cleaner. | ||
| You have waiters on. | ||
| Because you're always fucking stepping through blood. | ||
| It actually is mildly embarrassing to passionately talk about television and show business. | ||
| There's a little part of it that's like, who cares and why does it matter? | ||
| But I don't know. | ||
| Listen, I think anything that's interesting to you, you should talk about. | ||
| And people say, well, you're going to bore the fuck out of people. | ||
| You are. | ||
| You're going to bore the fuck out of some people. | ||
| But you're going to bore the fuck out of some people with things that I think are really interesting. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Whatever, physics, nature, things that I think are fascinating, some people are going to think it's stupid. | ||
| Just you have to, whatever is interesting. | ||
| Stand-up's interesting to us. | ||
| It's always going to be. | ||
| I'm into anything that is passionately and intricately discussed, you know? | ||
| I'm into interesting shit. | ||
| I'm an enthusiast enthusiast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's good. | |
| I don't know a lot about one thing, but I love anybody who does. | ||
| Yeah, I'm with you. | ||
| I'm 100% with you. | ||
| I like a lot of cool shit. | ||
| There's a lot of interesting shit out there. | ||
| There's so much. | ||
| Anybody who tells me they're bored, I'm like, listen, you're not bored. | ||
| You're inactive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just need to find things that you enjoy doing and then you will never be bored. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just keep doing things you like doing. | ||
| It's just hard for people to get that initial momentum. | ||
| Just get moving. | ||
| Go forward. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It's not boring. | ||
| This is not boring. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| You're a finite lifeform on a planet. | ||
| This whole thing's crazy. | ||
| It's chaos. | ||
| I got scared as fuck the other day. | ||
| I saw another article on Yellowstone. | ||
| They're saying it's a 10% chance that inside this hundred years there's going to be a supervolcano eruption. | ||
| So inside this, from 2000 to 2100, there's a 10% chance that everything dies. | ||
| The whole planet? | ||
| Everything on this continent, dead. | ||
| Everything else, all over the rest of the world, is going to be fucked, because there's not going to be any sun. | ||
| I gotta book some Glasgow dates. | ||
| That's the move. | ||
| I think South Africa. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, might be the new place to go. | ||
| New Zealand is a big one for people escaping the apocalypse. | ||
| New Zealand's awesome, I heard. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of Americans. | ||
| A lot of, you know, tech people. | ||
| Big money buying land in New Zealand now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's beautiful. | |
| Yeah, I wanna go. | ||
| Yellowstone supervolcano hit by a swarm of more than 230 earthquakes in one week. | ||
| What in the fuck, people?! | ||
| How many wake-up calls do we need? | ||
| See, we're not gonna be even paying attention to this until the lava is shooting up into the atmosphere. | ||
| Do you know they didn't even know that it was a super volcano until like 50 years ago or something? | ||
| They didn't even know. | ||
| I like this podcast. | ||
| It's just talk about shit and learn how you'll die. | ||
| Not always. | ||
| Sometimes we learn about beautiful things. | ||
| I'm scared now, though. | ||
| Like five-finger toe shoes and boxing matches. | ||
| Those things like that are why I'm like, why would I quit smoking when I can just wait it out? | ||
| That's an interesting way to think. | ||
| Wait it out. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| But don't you feel like shit when you smoke a lot? | ||
| When I smoke a lot. | ||
| How often do you smoke? | ||
| What do you smoke a day? | ||
| Half a pack. | ||
| That's not that bad. | ||
| I mean, right now, but it gets up there. | ||
| When I have deadlines and stuff and I'm writing. | ||
| I tied it into writing, which is a bad move. | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| I've smoked Tony Hinchcliffe cigarettes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I smoked a cigarette with him before a show once. | ||
| And I was like, dude, this gives you like a buzz. | ||
| And he goes, yeah, I can't imagine writing or doing stand-up without it. | ||
| I go, really? | ||
| I'm like, that's interesting. | ||
| Yeah, I've gone over to Hinch. | ||
| He's a guy I'll hang out with because, you know, similar lifestyle, I guess. | ||
| It's easy to like have a cigarette with him and talk about comedy. | ||
| You're both gay? | ||
| Is that what you're saying? | ||
| We're both presumed gay. | ||
| Pursuing to be gay? | ||
| Presuming to be. | ||
| But not. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| But what is the thing about writing and cigarettes? | ||
| Like, what does it do? | ||
| And what does it do that, like, a cigar doesn't do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's, uh, it, it, it, there's, it ties into, uh, it's a, it's a, it feels good, and then there's momentum sort of involved, and then you get into a place where you're like, oh shit, I'm, you know, in one cigarette I wrote all those pages. | ||
| I don't, I, I, I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I really don't know chemically how the addiction part of it works, but I know I, uh, I'm a... | ||
| Victim of it. | ||
| Yeah, well the addiction part is pretty clearly documented in that movie with... | ||
| What the fuck's his name? | ||
| Inside man... | ||
| Guy from Gladiator? | ||
| Russell... | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, The Insider. | ||
| Yeah, Inside Man's a different movie, right? | ||
| What the fuck's his name? | ||
| Australian dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Russell Crowe. | |
| Thank you. | ||
| Russell Crowe. | ||
| Gladiator, dude. | ||
| That guy. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't see it. | ||
| I think I don't want to know. | ||
| I think I like saying... | ||
| He's a scientist in the movie. | ||
| Yeah, and they're trying to kill him because he's releasing all the information. | ||
| Apparently there's like hundreds and hundreds of different chemicals that the FDA has approved cigarette companies to add to cigarettes just to get them more addictive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's interesting, too, because I'll put out a cigarette and a glass of water or something, and then I get nervous if the water with tobacco and it touches my skin. | ||
| I have this paranoia, but I'll literally inhale every chemical deep into my lungs, into my veins, but I get nervous about touching tobacco-y water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so weird, man. | |
| What is it about, like, maybe, like, bringing it into your lungs, you're not saying it, so it doesn't freak you out as much? | ||
| There's a... | ||
| I never thought I could be in as much sort of denial about something as I am about smoking, but I enjoy it a lot right now. | ||
| And I also started late. | ||
| I started late. | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| I smoked real, real casually through my 20s, and then I started a job at, like, 29, 30. I'm 35. And that's when you started smoking? | ||
| That's when I started smoking during the day and writing and smoking. | ||
| Oh, before that you would smoke at night only? | ||
| Smoke at a party with a drink or something. | ||
| And when did you notice that it had crossed over into a part of you? | ||
| I think just a couple years into, I was writing on Two Broke Girls and I was smoking at every possible break. | ||
| And it just started to pick up where any opportunity to go outside and smoke, I took. | ||
| And then I couldn't stop. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| I hate to be that proselytizing health guy. | ||
| You ever try dip? | ||
| That'd be a good thing. | ||
| No, I want to try some stuff. | ||
| I just, you know, I want to try, like, I can't even, I'm not even allowed to, like, you know, I'm on a lot of, like, antidepressants and stuff, so they don't want me to take the medication that helps you stop or any of the gums instead. | ||
| It's all supposed to fuck up your brain chemicals. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How weird. | ||
| You're on a lot of antidepressants? | ||
| I mean, I'm on a, you know, a happy hour cocktail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like to talk shit about people smoking cigarettes while I'm smoking weed. | |
| I'm on a nice, you know, cocktail of... | ||
| Of stuff? | ||
| Stuff. | ||
| What is the stuff? | ||
| Right now, what am I, like an Effexor is kind of the main, you know, things are sort of dabbled in there. | ||
| It just depends on the time of year. | ||
| You get on different things, different time of year? | ||
| In almost 20 years of being on stuff, I've been switched around a few times. | ||
| Dude, 20 years? | ||
| You started in high school? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Henry Rollins got put on... | ||
| Saved my life in high school. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it was where the... | ||
| The turn... | ||
| I mean, I've had a couple of instances of, I don't want to do this anymore, I don't want to be on it anymore, try to go off and realize I needed it, but, you know, high school was the biggest turnaround, 180. Just because of the stress of growing up? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I was just a mess, and then some doctor, you know, after a year of being a mess was like, try this. | ||
| So you were suicidal? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| 16, you know, moved around every year. | ||
| It was just a, you know, a chaotic... | ||
| That always fucks people up, but it always creates interesting people. | ||
| Everybody I know that's interesting had some sort of a weird childhood where they moved around a lot. | ||
| By the way, how annoying is it when someone starts making a point while they're holding the joint? | ||
| This is a very important point I'm gonna make, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You also know you're not getting that joint till the end of the point. | ||
| You have to sit there like fixated like a dog waiting for a treat. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But yeah, I moved... | ||
| I lived with my mom until I was like... | ||
| 14, 15, and then I lived with her sister, and I lived with my dad's sister, and I lived with some family friends, and I lived with my dad for the first time when I was like 17, and I just bounced around LA, Connecticut, Oregon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| And I was just brutally depressed and couldn't, you know, I mean, obviously there were big environmental factors, but at the end of the day, it was more than therapy and stuff. | ||
| Dude, your life was the plot of the movie Twilight. | ||
| Never saw it. | ||
| Should I see it? | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| It's a classic. | ||
| It is a classic now, right? | ||
| Twilight is a movie that was fucking massive! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Massive! | |
| And now... | ||
| Never discussed. | ||
| Never discussed. | ||
| Not discussed at all. | ||
| People will talk about Star Wars to the end of fucking time. | ||
| No one's going to talk about Twilight in a couple of years. | ||
| No. | ||
| They're just not going to. | ||
| There might be like a 20-year reunion where all the girls who watched it when they were 13 go see it again. | ||
| Yes, sure. | ||
| But there's going to be a bunch of people like, what the fuck was wrong with us? | ||
| What did we do? | ||
| What happened as a culture? | ||
| What happened as a society where we decided that all of a sudden vampires allowed to go out in the day, werewolves have abs, they can change to a wolf whenever the fuck they want. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wasn't there a lot of vampire shows for a minute, too? | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| True Blood? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Everybody went crazy on vampires. | ||
| Zombies are dead to me. | ||
| They're boring as fuck. | ||
| You try to put out a zombie movie now, nobody gives a shit. | ||
| Like, oh, I get it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's gonna walk slow, and you're gonna get away, and the people that you really like are gonna live. | |
| Z. Boring. | ||
| Here's what the movie's about. | ||
| They're not zombies. | ||
| Are you excited now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Oh, good. | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| The movie is about a guy and his daughter becomes a zombie. | ||
| He loves his daughter, but she's a zombie. | ||
| Get it? | ||
| There's an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie like that. | ||
| Oh, that was always the saddest part of Walking Dead was when you realize someone had their daughter chained up in a room because he couldn't bring himself to put a spike through her head, so he just kept the zombie daughter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oof. | |
| Oof. | ||
| You know what's fucked up? | ||
| That is not entirely impossible. | ||
| It's entirely impossible that the bodies would stay active, like, long after they're deteriorating. | ||
| I mean, that show's been going on for years. | ||
| These zombies have been alive eating nothing for years. | ||
| No digestive tract. | ||
| Somehow or another, their flesh stays on their bones. | ||
| Their tissue allows their body to keep moving. | ||
| It's ridiculous, right? | ||
| That they even have anything in their brain at all that allows them to keep moving. | ||
| But as far as, like, a disease that changes the host... | ||
| And makes the host supervise. | ||
| It's fucking rabies. | ||
| It's rabies on steroids. | ||
| Very possible. | ||
| Very possible. | ||
| With all the horrible things that happened to all these different animals in terms of parasites getting in their system and forcing them to commit suicide. | ||
| You ever seen that aquatic worm one? | ||
| It gets into a grasshopper and then talks the grasshopper into jumping into water and drowning so it could pop out of its body. | ||
| No. | ||
| It develops in its body and then like the alien in the movie Alien that bursts out of the chest literally rips out of the thing's body in the water and then that's how it gets born. | ||
| Like it gets into the grasshopper's body and then rewires the grasshopper's brain when it's time to hatch and convinces this fuck to jump into the water. | ||
| It's the beauty of childbirth. | ||
| Well, you can live. | ||
| You can make a bunch of kids. | ||
| Look at the Duggars. | ||
| Don't they have like 20? | ||
| There's not a single time they've been drowned. | ||
| But if you stop and think about that being real, like how weird is it, the idea of a person becoming a zombie? | ||
| That's not weird at all. | ||
| Are you becoming some super hyper-aggressive thing like a rabid dog? | ||
| That's not weird at all. | ||
| Look at this thing come out of its body. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I'm not a fan of any. | ||
| This is horrific. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's huge. | |
| And the grasshopper is just gutted. | ||
| And this thing now is swimming around in the water. | ||
| And there's a ton of those. | ||
| There's a ton of those. | ||
| There's one that happens with ants and a wasp. | ||
| I forget who takes over who. | ||
| But there's... | ||
| God, find that one. | ||
| Ants... | ||
| I want to say that the ants take over the wasp. | ||
| Like a lot of them? | ||
| Something happens where they rewire its brain. | ||
| Is that a bot fly? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A wolf worm. | |
| A wolf worm coming out of a rabbit. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| That was one of the things in that movie Rats. | ||
| Did you ever see that movie Rats? | ||
| No, but it looks like a... | ||
| Netflix documentary? | ||
| That thing's huge. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That's a wolf worm. | ||
| It looks like a grosser, like, Groundhog Day thing. | ||
| It looks like the first two digits of your pinky. | ||
| Like, it's literally that big, right? | ||
| It came out of a rabbit. | ||
| But that documentary on Netflix, Rats, was all about how many rats live in New York City and urban areas. | ||
| Fucking insane documentary. | ||
| I can't recommend it enough. | ||
| I always kind of knew there was a lot of rats in New York. | ||
| You always hear the numbers. | ||
| But when you see guys who are exterminators or people who work with rats and they go down in the basement, it's like there is an underbelly to New York City and a lot of other cities too, Los Angeles for sure, where... | ||
| Swarms of rodents are underneath the city. | ||
| Swarms! | ||
| More than there are people, probably. | ||
| Like, there's no way for them to count. | ||
| They do rough estimates. | ||
| They really have no idea. | ||
| But you see them everywhere. | ||
| They've got cameras that are dipped into probes, and they're smart as shit, but one of them had this bot fly, and they pulled this bot fly out of its body. | ||
| It's like if you were carrying a football in one of your tits. | ||
| Like, literally, they pulled this thing out of its body. | ||
| They pulled it out of its neck, actually. | ||
| It's fucking huge. | ||
| It's like as big as its neck almost. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not into... | ||
| I'm a real pussy when it comes to bugs. | ||
| You should be. | ||
| They're terrifying. | ||
| They're the worst. | ||
| I saw a spider in Arizona last week that was... | ||
| I mean, it was half my fist. | ||
| It had an exoshell. | ||
| It looked like it was wearing armor. | ||
| Horrific. | ||
| What kind was it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Dead. | ||
| Now. | ||
| Did you swamp? | ||
| Yeah, I killed it. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Strong move. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I couldn't. | ||
| Well, I'm not going to go to bed with a... | ||
| Without there living? | ||
| With a bug somewhere in my house. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of weird shit in Doug's area. | ||
| Oh, that's where I saw it, over Bisbee area. | ||
| He's right next to Mexico. | ||
| He's, like, knocking on Mexico's door. | ||
| You can run to Mexico. | ||
| Like, literally. | ||
| Yeah, none of those spiders had papers. | ||
| I asked. | ||
| Build that wall. | ||
| Build that wall. | ||
| Just let the Mexicans in. | ||
| Just everybody relax. | ||
| That's terrifying when you leave his area and you gotta pull over and stop and they ask you if you're an American citizen. | ||
| Yeah, that's weird. | ||
| And then you go, yes. | ||
| I know a dude who has a ranch and it's in South Texas and they find dead people on their ranch sometimes where people try to cross and they just die of dehydration. | ||
| Yeah, out in the desert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| That's a hard way to go. | ||
| And then these ranchers just find them. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Scary shit. | ||
| And you don't know who... | ||
| I mean, the other thing is, like, for him and his place, like, you don't know if this guy's gonna be a nice guy just trying to come over here and get a job, or if this guy's a drug runner and a murderer. | ||
| Like, you really don't know. | ||
| You just know there's a person in your ranch that's not supposed to be there, and they might not even speak English. | ||
| I'm like, ooh... | ||
| I'm trying to think of something I would die to get to. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| It seems to me to be... | ||
| I guess I'm here. | ||
| A lot of people get mad at me when I say this, but I'm going to say it anyway. | ||
| I think it's something that's going to go away. | ||
| The idea of countries and you can only go one place. | ||
| Like, if you're born on this patch of dirt, you can only stay on this patch of dirt. | ||
| It's an impediment to progress. | ||
| And it's an impediment to equality. | ||
| And I think that there's going to come a day where people are just going to be able to travel anywhere they want. | ||
| And we're not going to look at it like cities, and we're not going to look at it in terms of like, you know, if you live in Boston, you can move to Cleveland. | ||
| If you live in Cleveland, you can move to Miami. | ||
| You can move. | ||
| You can move wherever you want. | ||
| But as soon as you have a country, you can't move. | ||
| You have papers. | ||
| You got to get approved. | ||
| What kind of job do you have, Morgan? | ||
| Do you have a specific skill that would benefit America instead of the rest of our sloppy fucks? | ||
| Half of them don't do jack shit. | ||
| Are you better than the average person? | ||
| Why should we let you in? | ||
| We only want to let quality people in. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I would never be able to prove myself in that moment as being worthy of getting into any country. | ||
| They have a term for it. | ||
| With a skill. | ||
| It's like exceptional skill. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A person of exceptional skill. | ||
| It just seems... | ||
| It seems fucked. | ||
| Like, I don't know. | ||
| Just... | ||
| It seems barbaric. | ||
| Like, it really does. | ||
| I mean, I know people are like, Oh, man! | ||
| It's fucking... | ||
| You gotta understand. | ||
| American sovereignty is very important. | ||
| The rest of the world is fucked up. | ||
| We've managed to figure out... | ||
| We got lucky. | ||
| We got lucky and we got shit out on the right patch of dirt. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| And we have resources that a lot of other countries don't have. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I love to travel internationally. | ||
| I love, you know, putting myself in places that are, you know, that don't have what we have, if that makes sense. | ||
| Like I enjoy perspective. | ||
| I enjoy the I enjoy making a vacation sort of a combination of of pleasure and perspective as much as I can. | ||
| I'm going places that, you know... | ||
| I wonder if it holds, do you think that it holds back both sides? | ||
| Do you think it holds back Mexico, that the United States is so difficult to get into? | ||
| And there's always this despair of certain people trying to get into Mexico, trying to get into America and can't. | ||
| What I was going to get at is that I think that it's kind of similar in some way, and I might be off. | ||
| Well, it's similar in some way to making drugs illegal. | ||
| Like, you make drugs illegal, then you create this demand, this increased demand, and then it's outlawed. | ||
| So only people that are willing to break the law sell it. | ||
| And so this criminal enterprise attached to something that should be perfectly legal. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like marijuana. | ||
| You're already breaking the law by coming here. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So are you a person who's going to break the law? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're going to be a person who takes that, I think, and also profit off of it by being like one of those carriers. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I grew up in L.A. and I think I had a... | ||
| I didn't realize that it was illegal. | ||
| You know, as a kid, you don't know laws or rules or anything. | ||
| So I just assumed... | ||
| That Mexico and California, because I would, you know, most of the kids I went to school with were Mexican. | ||
| Like, I just assumed that it was like a place where people live in both places and you go back and forth a lot. | ||
| And, you know, the Mexican culture was so sort of, my whole backdrop of my childhood was painted with that. | ||
| So I just kind of assumed that you went where you wanted to. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And like that LA was mostly Mexican and that was fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it should be fine, right? | ||
| And people are like, what are they going to come over here and take our jobs? | ||
| They're going to come over here and ruin our quality of life? | ||
| Or is it all going to even out? | ||
| Like, maybe it just evens out. | ||
| Isn't that possible? | ||
| Yeah, I also, you know, I mean, it's beyond cliche to say, but are people taking jobs that Americans are dying to do now? | ||
| Yeah, well... | ||
| See, and also, if they come over here, if they can just come over here, then you have to pay them the same rate. | ||
| It's like you have to pay them the same rate that everybody gets paid. | ||
| There's wage limits. | ||
| There's minimum wage. | ||
| Like, if you have them illegal, you can pay them whenever the fuck you want. | ||
| And they do. | ||
| That's like the big housekeeper dilemma. | ||
| How the fuck are housekeepers asking for a raise? | ||
| They're not asking for a raise. | ||
| They can't say shit. | ||
| Every time the word housekeeper comes out of my mouth, I get a little red. | ||
| A little embarrassed. | ||
| Because I have a housekeeper now. | ||
| I never had, you know. | ||
| Makes you feel bad? | ||
| It doesn't make me feel bad. | ||
| I absolutely couldn't love her more, and she's very much become kind of a pseudo-mother figure of mine in LA. I don't have family here, really. | ||
| But I also feel like that makes me sound like a pretentious white person who's taking care of a person of color. | ||
| It's not a comfortable subject for me to talk about, and yet I couldn't be more earnestly grateful and thankful, and I couldn't adore her more, and really she helps me function in life, and yet... | ||
| The subject is... | ||
| I didn't grow up with that kind of stuff, so it's interesting. | ||
| It's embarrassing. | ||
| It's embarrassing. | ||
| Well, as long as you pay her well and you're nice to her, it's just a job. | ||
| As long as she enjoys doing the job and she gets paid well, it's just a job. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with being a garbage man. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with any job. | ||
| She's known me through apartments, so it's interesting when someone's just a part of your life and And seems to care about you more than you even think they should, if that makes sense. | ||
| Well, you're her boss. | ||
| I'm her boss, but she's the only person in my home, and I trust her, but she also seems to care about me in this way. | ||
| She wants me to have a kid. | ||
| It's all these things that I don't really talk to my mom. | ||
| I have this housekeeper who's like, you should have a baby, and then I'll take care of you. | ||
| She has a plan for my whole life. | ||
| I don't have it yet. | ||
| Well, listen to her. | ||
| It sounds like you've got some sort of a partner. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A life partner. | ||
| I do have a life partner. | ||
| You do. | ||
| You have a housekeeper as a life partner. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's always a touchy subject because there's historically been people that have come from other places and they've immigrated into places and then they create neighborhoods and there are a certain class of people initially and then they move through society. | ||
| And, I mean, my people have experienced it, the Italians. | ||
| Like, when my grandfather came over here, there was all these, like, negative stereotypes for Italians. | ||
| And there's all these slurs. | ||
| Like, they used to call them, like, guinea-wop and all these different... | ||
| They were, like, hurtful. | ||
| Today, if you call someone a guinea, I would say I'm a guinea. | ||
| Nobody gives a shit. | ||
| Call Sebastian a guinea and be like, yep. | ||
| It doesn't bother anybody. | ||
| It's like they became a class of people that normalized. | ||
| They fit in with regular white people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Italians were not considered white people. | ||
| The same way a lot of people from the Middle East that have the same skin tone aren't considered white people by some people today. | ||
| But if it became just a normal part, like Irish people, became you're an Irishman, Irish woman. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Irish woman. | ||
| If they could only become white people. | ||
| If they just figured out a way... | ||
| To get white. | ||
| To get whiter. | ||
| We should just... | ||
| There's got to be a way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just keep them indoors. | |
| Move them to Oregon. | ||
| After a while, they'll evolve. | ||
| The lack of sun, they will evolve into being white people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just think, you know, anytime you restrict things that should be normal, like moving to a better spot, you can't move to a better spot. | ||
| Like, oh, I can't? | ||
| What if I buy a house in that spot? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Can't move to that spot. | ||
| Well, I mean, it's sort of arbitrary. | ||
| Like, how do you... | ||
| I'm very fascinated by migration in general of towns where you're encouraged to stay. | ||
| That's always very interesting to me. | ||
| Don't leave, Morgan. | ||
| Don't leave, don't leave, don't leave. | ||
| What if you were told you can't stay? | ||
| You have to leave and you have to go populate this other area. | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| We're choosing where people can live and we don't know what would be the best place for them. | ||
| We don't know if the best place for them is right next door to you, even if you don't want it. | ||
| I was watching a guy on TV. They were doing this interview with him. | ||
| He was a coffee farmer in Hawaii. | ||
| And he started out as a 15-year-old in America. | ||
| So he's been in America from the time he was 15. He was in his 40s now. | ||
| He has a family. | ||
| He's been in America for more than, I think... | ||
| I think they were saying like 30 years, okay? | ||
| So this guy, wife, family, worked his way up from being a worker at this coffee farm to owning the fucking coffee farm. | ||
| I think he owned it. | ||
| Sounds better if I say he owned it. | ||
| He might have been the manager. | ||
| He had a big job. | ||
| He was a big man at the coffee farm. | ||
| And they're kicking him out. | ||
| They're moving him to Mexico. | ||
| They're exporting him. | ||
| And he just got some stay. | ||
| Where they allowed him to stay a couple more months to appeal his case. | ||
| But I'm like, Jesus Christ, the guy did it. | ||
| He came over here. | ||
| He was 15. He's a part of America now. | ||
| He's 30-something years old or 40 years old, whatever the fuck he is. | ||
| He could have already served time for murder. | ||
| He could have done a full... | ||
| Yeah, he could have done a sentence already. | ||
| He's done his time positively. | ||
| He's actually doing well. | ||
| He's doing what you want. | ||
| He's being a productive member of society. | ||
| He's employing other people. | ||
| He's making coffee, which I'm not going to fucking grow coffee. | ||
| I need someone to grow that goddamn coffee. | ||
| That guy's doing a great job. | ||
| That's a fucking American. | ||
| To make a move? | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's like, make you move to where you moved around a lot. | ||
| Where the fuck were you when you were 15? | ||
| I was in Connecticut. | ||
| Yeah, you're in Connecticut, and I'm in Massachusetts. | ||
| We have to move. | ||
| Imagine thugs come knocking on our door with combat boots on, holding guns, and saying, listen, Morgan, you gotta move. | ||
| You can't stay in California anymore. | ||
| There's too many people in California. | ||
| You gotta go back. | ||
| Back to the East Coast. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| It's the same thing that they're doing to this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| It's insane. | ||
| I don't, I mean, I don't know. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| But I went on, when we did the End of the World podcast, you guys did that one. | ||
| I remember coming out at the end, hammered. | ||
| Hammered. | ||
| Hammered, as I say, hammered since, I had been hammered since Florida results came in. | ||
| Everything was already done. | ||
| And I show up, and it's a, you know, a murderer's row on stage. | ||
| And I get there and I have no, I have only feelings. | ||
| I have no, nothing in my brain is working to connect pieces or really be, you know, remotely sort of eloquent. | ||
| I just came out and I was like, this is bad for people and everyone's going to be racist and we, you know, people should be able to do what they want. | ||
| And then you and Sarah Tiana started making out. | ||
| Did we? | ||
| You don't remember that? | ||
| No, I didn't make out with anybody. | ||
| But Burr just hammered me. | ||
| I mean, he came back with, you know, basically, I felt there was like a lot of energy that I came in with the worst thing that's ever happened just happened. | ||
| That was my energy. | ||
| And I felt like there was a lot of... | ||
| You know, it might not be that bad energy that night. | ||
| Let me tell you what's really going on. | ||
| But this is what's really going on. | ||
| First of all, you got a bunch of comics in front of an audience. | ||
| That's the number one thing that's happening. | ||
| This fucking election is to us, to me and Burr and anybody else who's there. | ||
| It's like this is an opportunity to talk shit, okay? | ||
| And the fact that there's an election going on. | ||
| We'll deal with the consequences of Donald Trump being president later. | ||
| But right now we're here to make people laugh and have fun. | ||
| And Burr is on fire. | ||
| He was on fire! | ||
| He shines in those things like no one. | ||
| He was just one after the other, smashing it. | ||
| There's a video online you can get on YouTube that's like the best of Bill Burr at the End of the World podcast. | ||
| He's just slaying. | ||
| And it's glorious. | ||
| And I came in and I threw a cup of gasoline on the fire with my opinions. | ||
| I was like... | ||
| But it's not really an opinion. | ||
| You have to understand from the perspective of, I'm not saying you have to understand, but the people listening. | ||
| When we do something like that, there's a bunch of comics and there's an audience. | ||
| We're not always going to deal with what's going on. | ||
| We're not going to be somber and really be considering the fact that, okay, well now we don't have a president anymore. | ||
| We've just elected a buffoon to the biggest popularity contest in the world. | ||
| That's what we did. | ||
| Right. | ||
| A popular person won now, and now we're fucked, and he's an egomaniac, and now he's in charge of the nukes. | ||
| Oh, you can fire the FBI guy. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| You just let a reality star just start firing the people that you need for critical intelligence, people that have been involved in the intelligence industry and the intelligence community for decade after decade after decade. | ||
| You let this reality star just start firing people. | ||
| It's nuts, but it was also the best place I could have ended up that night. | ||
| Like, I can't imagine having spent... | ||
| I mean, I think I went to bed at like... | ||
| She got together with Jen Kirkman. | ||
| 7 a.m. | ||
| Wonderful time. | ||
| I looked at her Twitter and I was like, I just gotta stay away from that thing. | ||
| You guys are freaking me the fuck out. | ||
| Like, Jesus. | ||
| This is a bad system. | ||
| It's been a bad system since people figured out how to make phone calls. | ||
| As soon as people figured out how to make phone calls, you didn't have to get a guy on a fucking horse that carries your vote and your request for sovereignty in your personal state by a messenger that has to take it to some fucking representative, that has to take it to Congress on this fucking boat. | ||
| Like, you don't have to do that anymore. | ||
| So since we don't have to do this anymore, this idea of one person running the whole shebang through a representative of each individual state... | ||
| It's archaic. | ||
| Communication is too good now. | ||
| The bottleneck is the system. | ||
| The system needs to be redesigned. | ||
| It needs to be redesigned. | ||
| It's not impossible. | ||
| No one's saying we shouldn't have government. | ||
| I'm not an anti-government person. | ||
| It's like I'm not an anti-military person or an anti-police person. | ||
| I just think it all has to be managed and engineered the right way. | ||
| You can't have... | ||
| Just complete anarchy in this country. | ||
| But we have to have the will of the people. | ||
| And right now it's definitely not the will of the people. | ||
| This is just some weird system that someone's figured out a way to win. | ||
| And then once they're in the system, we're realizing all the flaws of the system. | ||
| People are quitting and getting fired. | ||
| You're like, well, this is not the most efficient way to run this thing. | ||
| Right, but there's no... | ||
| Within the system, there is no, here's how you change the system. | ||
| Like, that hasn't been established. | ||
| So then you have to do that in a way that doesn't, you know, make everybody implode. | ||
| But the system, the design of the system, and this is more than I've... | ||
| I've paid attention more to the political system in the last two years than I think I have in my entire life. | ||
| But there's all these checks and balances that are in place to sort of prevent someone who's... | ||
| An irreputable person getting into a position of power and then changing everything. | ||
| There's enough checks and balances to keep that in place. | ||
| And I think that's important and that's a beautiful thing. | ||
| And having all these representatives that represent both conservative and liberal attitudes kind of keeps things in balance to a certain extent. | ||
| But it's not the best way to do it. | ||
| No. | ||
| The best way to do it would be to get a guy like Elon Musk and say, hey man, the way you figured out how to put fucking tunnels under the earth where the cars go on sleds and that eliminates all the traffic in LA... And the way they figured out how to make a solar box that sits in a garage on the wall and it powers your whole house from the roof, and the way they figured out how to make roof shingles that are actually solar powered, and the way they figured out how to make an electric car that can go 350 miles, tell us how to run this thing. | ||
| You're definitely smarter than me. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, but also, then, does he make the decisions that, like, because I always think about, like, when they change rules in Major League Sports, I always find it, like, interesting, like, that a group of people got together, and, like, now, what is it? | ||
| Overtime? | ||
| Football overtime's shortened now. | ||
| And they, like, like, I go, oh, now it's 10 minutes, now it's 5 minutes. | ||
| And we all just go, okay. | ||
| Like, who's the board? | ||
| Who's the person who gets to say, okay, now this is the way that the government works? | ||
| I mean, that's its own process. | ||
| Well, football's very different, obviously, because it's a game, and you're trying to make the game better and more exciting. | ||
| If they were just trying to fuck with people and make politics more exciting, maybe that would be more... | ||
| Maybe that would work. | ||
| How do we make this better? | ||
| How do we make people like this more? | ||
| How do we make people feel like they're involved? | ||
| How do we do this? | ||
| But again, changing the rules seems like... | ||
| I don't know how long something like that takes. | ||
| Is it over generations? | ||
| Is it tomorrow the rules are this? | ||
| I mean, how do you do that? | ||
| I think you make people park at the bottom of a hill. | ||
| And you put the voting booth at the very top of the hill. | ||
| And only the people that can actually, like, unless you're physically handicapped, then you get a pass. | ||
| Then we'll figure out another test for you. | ||
| But only the people that figure out to get their fucking lazy ass to the top of that hill, those are the only ones that get to vote. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Fine by me. | ||
| But that's the thing. | ||
| You're going to have to tell somebody what the rules are, and then you're going to hope they say all right. | ||
| I'll probably say all right. | ||
| Mountain hikers are just going to run the world. | ||
| Alex Honnold is going to be our president. | ||
| That rock climber dude, he's going to be number one. | ||
| I just think that if we just come up with an alternative system that somebody designs, and we slowly implement it, like in stages, But every time someone doesn't like something, everyone is so aggressively angry now, and everyone is kind of on the precipice of snapping, and I feel like any kind of suggested change to a lot of people is terrifying. | ||
| It is terrifying, and it should be, because if somebody fucks it up, and Putin's this whole thing, that could be a big goddamn disaster, too. | ||
| That's always possible. | ||
| This is as close as that's come. | ||
| This is as close as it's come to something where he's got a 33% approval rate or something like that. | ||
| Except the poll that he found says 50%. | ||
| Isn't that hilarious that you can put up a picture that says 50% of the people like me and then you'd be like, wow, he's really doing a great job. | ||
| Like, you're never going to see a president with a 100% approval rate. | ||
| It does not exist. | ||
| It's so tragic. | ||
| I mean, he is... | ||
| I can't think of a time my brain has been this consumed by a president. | ||
| Like, you know, positive or negative. | ||
| I mean, I liked Obama, but I never thought about him as much as I think about Trump. | ||
| Even if you have, like... | ||
| Things. | ||
| Like vitamins. | ||
| Vitamins would not have a 100% approval rate. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's people that would like, fuck vitamins! | ||
| I don't even need them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They suck! | |
| And they would give it a... | ||
| Well, like actual Western medicine doesn't have a 100% approval. | ||
| There are people who go like, no, I don't want any treatment for my cancer. | ||
| I'm going to... | ||
| Well, that's because there's alternatives and there's some people that believe that you can do more work to cure or to halt cancer in its tracks by altering your diet and improving your immune system. | ||
| I don't know if they're right. | ||
| I believe that more than like, you know, the Lord will provide my medicine. | ||
| But I think more and more doctors are acutely aware of the factor that nutrition plays now. | ||
| I think they make changes to people, not just like give them drugs and give them, you know, anti-cancer medication, but there's doctors now more, increasingly more and more, that want you to, hey, you drink too much, stop drinking. | ||
| Are you smoking cigarettes? | ||
| We definitely got to get you to stop smoking cigarettes. | ||
| We got to get you to eat healthy. | ||
| Like, here's what's important. | ||
| I feel like you're directly talking to me right now. | ||
| I just think that you have to pay attention to doctors, too. | ||
| Like, these motherfuckers might have figured out a way to cure your cancer. | ||
| You gotta listen. | ||
| You can't listen to the holistic healer lady that has incense burning in her fucking house. | ||
| You can listen to both. | ||
| She smells of patchouli. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| A little from column A. Gotta be careful. | ||
| Those patchouli smelling motherfuckers. | ||
| I just did some weird, I did a colonic at some, you know, hippie ranch type place. | ||
| Dude, you had a pipe up your ass? | ||
| I had a pipe up my ass. | ||
| What was that like? | ||
| It was oddly positive experience. | ||
| And I didn't think it would be. | ||
| I was in Bisbee around Doug's place and I, you know, took off for the day and got a colonic. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Have you done that before or was it on a whim? | ||
| Semi on a whim. | ||
| It was like, yeah, I called to play. | ||
| I was looking for healthy things to do in the desert and that was one of them. | ||
| What percentage of people take colonics on a whim? | ||
| Like what percentage? | ||
| Is it even 10 where people just walk down the street like, you know what would be fun? | ||
| We should really, yeah. | ||
| I don't think there's a lot of colonics where they're advertised for foot traffic. | ||
| Like Santa Monica Boulevard. | ||
| Come on in. | ||
| We'll stick a pipe up your ass. | ||
| But I try, you know, it's that thing where I'm not like you. | ||
| I don't have a healthy lifestyle, so I find myself hitting walls and then reaching, kind of grasping for activities that seem healthy and enjoyable, which is why I've, like... | ||
| Oh, I'll go to boxing, surfing, I'll go play basketball. | ||
| But I don't do it as consistently as I ought to. | ||
| That's why it's always impressive to see you in peak form, constantly. | ||
| Do things you like doing. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I like sport. | ||
| I love sports. | ||
| Then do that. | ||
| That's a great way to stay healthy. | ||
| For me, I found out somewhere along the line, though, that for me to be better at certain sports, I have to do shit I don't want to do. | ||
| Like lift weights, run hills, stuff like that. | ||
| If you don't do those things, you don't have... | ||
| If you want to... | ||
| We want to make an analogy to machines. | ||
| Like, you have a weird opportunity with your body where, say if you're in a race, you can turn your body into a sports car. | ||
| Like you can literally turn your body into something that does something a regular car can't do. | ||
| It can move faster, could pick up more, it can explode, it can make corners better. | ||
| Like you can do that to your body. | ||
| You can give your body balance. | ||
| Like you take a yoga class. | ||
| Two days a week for four months. | ||
| Don't tell me your body's not better. | ||
| It's gonna move better. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| It's gonna be more balanced. | ||
| You're gonna be able to change the suspension on your car. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| By putting in the work. | ||
| But the work can suck a fat one sometimes. | ||
| It's hard, Joe. | ||
| Dude, I know. | ||
| It's so hard. | ||
| It ain't easy. | ||
| But you gotta get excited about doing hard shit. | ||
| I get excited about the prospect of getting in better shape after the age I am now than I was before. | ||
| Like, I get excited about being that person that I've seen happen. | ||
| I'm like, oh, I've seen people do that, get in better shape after 35. I guess I can do it. | ||
| The idea of doing it is thrilling, but I can't, you know, it's getting there. | ||
| But you don't want it bad enough, Rocky. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I know, I don't. | ||
| There is no tomorrow! | ||
| That's my favorite quote. | ||
| Yeah, you know what you gotta do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| This is the big one for everybody, for everybody listening. | ||
| Write down shit you have to do. | ||
| I do it. | ||
| I write down things I need to work on. | ||
| Things I'm gonna do. | ||
| Like I wrote down my schedule for the week. | ||
| I wrote down like this week, I'm gonna lift weights three days a week, I'm gonna run two days a week, and I'm gonna do yoga two days a week. | ||
| Period. | ||
| Like there's no negotiation. | ||
| So I have to do those things. | ||
| So I'll do that for the week, and then I'll make sure I make those checks off. | ||
| There's a lot of times where I want to fuck off, but I know I have to make my schedule. | ||
| I have to get it in. | ||
| If I don't get it in, then I fucked up. | ||
| Like, I gave myself, like, a schedule. | ||
| But then I get things done. | ||
| And it doesn't seem any more stressful. | ||
| In fact, it seems less stressful. | ||
| Because I don't have to, like, hem and haw over whether I'm going to do something. | ||
| Like, I have it written down. | ||
| I have to do it. | ||
| And then I just go do it. | ||
| Sounds, I'll do that then. | ||
| You gotta just write it down and stick to the script. | ||
| Because as a comic, one of the best things about us is that we're impulsive. | ||
| And that we like to blow things off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| And we like to question the validity of certain actions. | ||
| Like, why am I doing that? | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| How about I just jerk off and take a nap? | ||
| Or whatever you do. | ||
| You know, I mean, that's what we do. | ||
| Right. | ||
| People are impulsive and that's one of the reasons why you're funny. | ||
| Because you come up with a thought that maybe other people wouldn't entertain. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Once I'm in, once I've got some downhill motion, I can keep going. | ||
| Yeah, it's the momentum thing. | ||
| It's the initial start. | ||
| I used to go boxing every day for years, a few years. | ||
| That was when you were in New York, right? | ||
| No, I was out here. | ||
| I'd go to the Wild Card every day for three years. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Morgan Murphy's a big fucking boxing fan. | ||
| You and I have had long conversations about boxing. | ||
| You know a lot of shit. | ||
| Yeah, I used to kind of know more. | ||
| I mean, I get embarrassed with sports stuff because I'm such a fan, but I'm not by any means a statistician. | ||
| I'm not a good rememberer of even names. | ||
| I just obsessively watch sports hours and hours and hours a day. | ||
| But isn't that funny, though, if you're talking about a television show? | ||
| Like, yeah, yeah, I saw that show. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| It's a good show. | ||
| Who was the main character in Lost? | ||
| What was his name again? | ||
| There's no shame in that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But a basketball game for the same time. | ||
| Who was in the finals? | ||
| Yeah, well, I can think of fights I've been to, and then I can't even think of... | ||
| I'm like, I know who won the fight. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| I don't even remember who they fought. | ||
| Did you see Kovalev Andre Ward this weekend? | ||
| I watched a little... | ||
| I listened to a lot about it, but I missed it. | ||
| That's the other thing, too, is I stay home and watch so much... | ||
| Shit. | ||
| I mean, you know, I love sports. | ||
| I find it to be the most soothing. | ||
| Like, if I'm at a job, you know, writing something all day, I look at the sports schedule that night and I get excited that, oh, I have a thing to do at eight, you know, after my work is done. | ||
| Like, I just, I wrap my days around it. | ||
| So I'm trying to go out and do more shit as opposed to being locked in. | ||
| Locked into a schedule that's determined by what boxing matches on. | ||
| And I used to stay home to watch everything, and I didn't for that one. | ||
| Yeah, I hear you. | ||
| You get, you know, it comes in waves, right? | ||
| But I listen to it a lot. | ||
| I mean, you know, I have opinions about it, having not seen it. | ||
| You still have opinions? | ||
| Like, uneducated ones? | ||
| Well, no, just from seeing what I did see. | ||
| I get mad about certain stoppages. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you talk with certainty? | |
| Oh, really? | ||
| Did you see the Kovalev ward? | ||
| Yeah, and I thought it was an early stoppage. | ||
| It was definitely an early stoppage. | ||
| I don't think he'd do that when someone's on his way down. | ||
| Here's the question, though. | ||
| Did he have a standing eight count rule? | ||
| Like, I don't know if there's a standing eight count rule in that fight. | ||
| Like, see, if there was, find out if there was. | ||
| I feel like there was, because I feel like that's what should have happened. | ||
| If it happened. | ||
| But in some fights, I believe they don't have to have a standing eight count. | ||
| Correct me if I'm wrong. | ||
| I don't think that's the case in all fights. | ||
| And I think in some championship fights, they don't have a standing eight count. | ||
| And I think that's a speculation that they put. | ||
| Yeah, that I don't know. | ||
| It just seems like an obvious... | ||
| Stipulation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, the last fight... | ||
| I'm trying to think of... | ||
| Jamie will find out. | ||
| Jamie will find out. | ||
| I made, I made, I was in Arizona during the Canelo, the Chavez fight, and I made everybody watch it. | ||
| That wasn't a good one. | ||
| It was a bad one, and it was, the worst part about it was that everyone knew I was the reason the fight was on. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| So everyone, it was like, I couldn't, every round I wanted to be exciting because I wanted people to not get mad at me for ruining their night. | ||
| But instead I was responsible for a boring night. | ||
| Well, I enjoyed it, even though it was boring. | ||
| I just wanted to see who was going to fight Golovkin, and that was my sort of, you know, my horse in the race was whoever was going to win was going to fight my favorite fighter. | ||
| But most people thought Canelo was going to win pretty handily. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| But the problem was that Chavez didn't really want to put himself out there. | ||
| But Chavez has never been a great... | ||
| He's never been... | ||
| I don't think his training's ever been amazing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| As disciplined as some. | ||
| Canelo is about that life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right? | ||
| I mean, he's trying to be the best ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's trying to be the best guy. | ||
| It's hard to be. | ||
| I can't imagine being a rich kid boxer. | ||
| It just feels like... | ||
| Was he born a rich kid? | ||
| Well, I mean, Chavez Jr. Oh, I thought you meant Canelo. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I was just saying that that just seems like a hard place to come from. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And his dad is the fucking greatest of all time. | ||
| Julio Cesar Chavez is arguably the greatest Mexican fighter of all time. | ||
| I mean, he's up there. | ||
| I saw Chavez Jr. fight at the Staples Center, and they brought his dad out first. | ||
| I was like, oh, it's just the poor shadow you've got to be in that your dad gets honored before your fight. | ||
| It's rough. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| There's this guy, Krohn Gracie, and his dad is Hickson Gracie, who's the greatest jiu-jitsu guy of all time. | ||
| And the son is a world champion. | ||
| He's a fucking beast. | ||
| He's one of the best guys on the planet Earth. | ||
| Legitimately, 100%. | ||
| Self-motivated, not like, you know, it doesn't need to, it's not like the same sort of Chavez situation. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So it doesn't always happen that way. | ||
| But it seems like fighting in general. | ||
| But the hunger for fighting tends to come from a place of poverty. | ||
| Tends to, but again. | ||
| No, it doesn't have to. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| But I mean, even like, even in America, like, you know, what was his name? | ||
| It's like Rust Belt, dude. | ||
| Russ Belt? | ||
| Yeah, the guy, this American dude who... | ||
| I always forget who the Russ Belt is. | ||
| I can't remember his name. | ||
| Kelly Pavlik? | ||
| Was it Kelly? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Am I wrong? | ||
| White guy, shaved head. | ||
| Yeah, white guy, shaved head. | ||
| Had a moment. | ||
| Bad motherfucker. | ||
| Bad motherfucker. | ||
| He just ran into Bernard Hopkins. | ||
| Bernard Hopkins had him figured out. | ||
| Just tuned him up. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I wrote a blog article about that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| About that fight. | ||
| Because it was just a masterful performance by Hopkins. | ||
| Hopkins, I was actually coming home from a UFC fight overseas. | ||
| I was in Europe when I watched that fight. | ||
| And I was like, that motherfucker is so good. | ||
| I gotta get into UFC. He's so smart. | ||
| I've been watching. | ||
| I've been watching, but I don't know who I'm rooting for. | ||
| Oh, you root for people. | ||
| I don't know who's who. | ||
| I think why I just started even watching hockey is I played so many sports as a kid. | ||
| I can get into the sports I know about, but when I don't know anything about it, it's like working out. | ||
| It's like doing anything else. | ||
| I'm uncomfortable getting into something that I have such a huge blind spot about. | ||
| Right, I know what you mean. | ||
| I'm just like, how am I going to learn everything immediately? | ||
| I tried to get Ian Edwards to school me on soccer. | ||
| I didn't last. | ||
| I tried for a few weeks. | ||
| We even talked about doing a soccer companion. | ||
| He took me to a bar once and we were sitting there watching some game. | ||
| It was like some big time soccer game. | ||
| It was pretty good. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It's fun being next to Ian because he knows everything. | ||
| He knows as much about soccer as I know about MMA. He's just rattling off who this guy is and what this team's about and what their score is. | ||
| And he has a soccer podcast too. | ||
| That he does. | ||
| I forget who he does it with. | ||
| You remember who he does it with? | ||
| I love that dude. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| Such a nice guy. | ||
| He's the most underrated comic alive today. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| You know, I quoted a joke of his in the writer's room at Two Broker Rolls, and my boss was like, whose joke is that? | ||
| And I was like, Ian Edwards, and he hired him. | ||
| It's a great move. | ||
| But it was just like, oh yeah, Ian's got this joke and everyone was fucking dying. | ||
| I selfishly don't want anybody to ever hire him as a writer again. | ||
| I want him to just do stand-up. | ||
| I think that's what he's doing. | ||
| I mean, I think he just was a little short gig. | ||
| Yeah, no, he does them every now and then. | ||
| But I just feel like people don't know how fucking good he is. | ||
| He's so good. | ||
| And he's such a good guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just one of the best guys ever. | ||
| True. | ||
| What do you think about this Conor McGregor-Floyd Mayweather fight? | ||
| I mean, it's a spectacle. | ||
| I guess I'm excited about it, but I feel like it's going to be another big notch in Mayweather's belt, and I don't think he needs another one. | ||
| I respect Floyd Mayweather as a boxer, but it's not the kind of boxing I get excited about watching, even though I know it's technically... | ||
| It's going to be a boxing match, for sure. | ||
| It's going to be an actual 12-round boxing match. | ||
| So we're going to get to see some sort of an athletic competition. | ||
| I just don't see how McGregor can... | ||
| Be better than the best boxers in the world who have tried. | ||
| Yeah, he won't be. | ||
| He won't be better than the best boxers in the world. | ||
| But what he might do... | ||
| First of all, he's definitely going to make it exciting. | ||
| The trash talk is going to be fucking epic. | ||
| It's going to be epic. | ||
| It's going to be a fun spectacle. | ||
| And he has legitimate, scary one-punch power, and he's way bigger. | ||
| So it's all about whether or not he can hit Mayweather. | ||
| What are they fighting at? | ||
| 150-something? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a good question, too. | ||
| How much weight does he have to lose? | ||
| How much is Floyd gonna make him dehydrate himself? | ||
| Does he even give a fuck? | ||
| Does he even respect his skills enough to make him dehydrate himself like he did with Canelo? | ||
| Because he made Canelo cut a shitload of weight. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I think he made him fight at 150, is that correct? | ||
| Find out what Floyd Mayweather made Canelo Alvarez fight, because Canelo's a big fella. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've seen him in person. | ||
| Him getting on to 150 is a rough, rough suck. | ||
| I think that... | ||
| It's always scary when you look at these dudes and they just look emaciated before the fight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's terrifying. | |
| Like Chavez. | ||
| I mean, you know, he's a tall guy. | ||
| One of the worst I ever saw was when Conor made it to 145. We fought Aldo. | ||
| I was like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Like, he looks so gaunt and dried up at the weigh-ins. | ||
| And then the next day, he looks like a gorilla. | ||
| Canelo came in at 152, it says. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And this fight is at 154. It is at 154? | ||
| That's what they're making it? | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Okay, well, Connor's not going to have a hard time making a 154. Now this says Canelo weighed in at 168. No, that was his last fight with Chavez Jr. Chavez Jr., he fought above his weight class, actually. | ||
| Chavez Jr., I think he was fighting 175, wasn't he? | ||
| And he came down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe there was a normal weight for Chavez Jr. Oh, this was for the 30-day weigh-in when he fought Mayweather. | |
| This Oh, so 30 days out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, a month out. | |
| He still weighed 166.8. | ||
| Yeah, well, they had stipulations in the contract like how big he could be at certain points, you know? | ||
| Just dirty. | ||
| They just wanted to dry him out. | ||
| I mean, I'm excited. | ||
| What's the whole car going on? | ||
| I mean, are they going to have all boxing under cars? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| It'd be fun to do a little mix and mash. | ||
| The only way this fight is going to be interesting, skill-wise, is if Conor figures out a way to maul him. | ||
| He's almost got to close the distance quick, get him up against the ropes, and just hit him with shots while he's holding him. | ||
| He's almost got to clip him... | ||
| In some sort of weird, awkward, like, Maidana-like exchange. | ||
| You ever see the fight with Maidana that Floyd had? | ||
| But Floyd got clipped by a big overhand right, I think it was, at the end of one of the rounds. | ||
| Like, very end of the round, his legs dipped like, whoa! | ||
| A little wobbly. | ||
| And it's just because he got mauled. | ||
| It wasn't because skill-wise he was commensurate. | ||
| And then when Floyd came back in the rematch, he just boxed his face off. | ||
| Just fucked him up. | ||
| Because he just wanted to let him know, like, look, dude, I barely took you serious in that first fight. | ||
| It got close, but it only got close because of this sloppy brawl. | ||
| And then he just put a skill clinic on him in the second fight. | ||
| Second fight wasn't even close. | ||
| I think that that's the only, but that's not how Connor normally fights. | ||
| He's not like a swarming, face-first brawler type dude. | ||
| He's a guy who's cautious about getting hit. | ||
| I'm thrilled about it, but I'm also, I wish I knew more about your side of the tracks. | ||
| Well, we don't know enough about Conor, because Conor has never had a professional boxing match. | ||
| You know, and the thing is, you see his striking, but you only see his striking when he's working on kicks and wrestling and all that other shit, too. | ||
| What if he just kicked him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, would that, I mean, just to do it? | |
| Just to let him know? | ||
| Just to do it. | ||
| It would be fucked up. | ||
| It'd be fucked up, but it would be hilarious. | ||
| There's probably some stipulations in the contract that say he can't get him in an arm bar. | ||
| Or choke him. | ||
| I think just kicking him in the head and knocking him out would be worth losing all the money and then getting more money after that. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| He would be a goddamn folk hero. | ||
| If they got in close, if they got in close, and Floyd was like sucking and juking on the outside, and he threw a jab to cover up or a left high kick, and that left high kick necks him, just DANG! And you see Floyd go limp, and he would go limp. | ||
| He'd never been high kicked like that. | ||
| Jesus, that would be crazy. | ||
| Because if you didn't know it was coming, he could clip him with it. | ||
| Like if you had no idea. | ||
| If you hid a kick behind a punch, like a lot of fighters do, they like throw a punch literally to cover your face so the kick is behind it already and then BOOM! The kick comes like while your vision is already, you're thinking about the next punch and bang the kick lands and you get KO'd. | ||
| Happens all the time. | ||
| If he did that, that would be insane. | ||
| Would it be worth it? | ||
| It would, but it would fuck everything up. | ||
| Because no one would ever trust another fighter from MMA to ever fight a boxer in a boxing match again. | ||
| Because we've only had the opposite happen, really. | ||
| Could they, after this, could they do an MMA fight with the two of them? | ||
| No! | ||
| No? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know! | |
| Oh my god, it would last 30 seconds maximum. | ||
| That's if Conor wanted to give him an ear beating for 28 seconds. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Look, Conor's so much better as a wrestler, as a submission artist, as a kicker. | ||
| There's just no way. | ||
| He'll hit him with spinning elbows and shit. | ||
| There's things you can't do in a boxing match that you're not expecting. | ||
| And if someone just kicks your legs once, you're gonna be like, oh my god, what the fuck? | ||
| I'm just trying to think of a way to milk more money out of what's going on. | ||
| What's going to come in? | ||
| Hundreds and hundreds of millions of dollars. | ||
| This is the only way. | ||
| This is a giant big difference though. | ||
| Floyd would have to learn how to fight MMA style. | ||
| He would have to learn how to stop takedowns. | ||
| He'd have to learn how to check leg kicks, and he'd have to learn how to defend submissions, and that will take years. | ||
| And he's not gonna do that at 40 years old. | ||
| I don't know what he knows now as far as wrestling defense and what he knows about kickboxing or jujitsu or anything else. | ||
| I don't know what he knows. | ||
| But if he knows nothing, he's 100% fucked. | ||
| 100% bet the house on it, fucked. | ||
| Like, Conor might win a boxing match. | ||
| I mean, maybe there's like a... | ||
| A small percentage chance that he just runs in there and clips Floyd with a big shot and rocks him and then takes him out. | ||
| I don't know what that percentage is, but if you ask a boxing expert, there's like 4%, 5%, right? | ||
| That's what a boxing expert would say, which I'm not. | ||
| But I'm an MMA expert. | ||
| And if they fought in an MMA fight, it's 100% that Conor would fuck him up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| No ifs, no ands, no buts, no chance. | ||
| No chance. | ||
| Connor's gonna be farther away from Mayweather than anyone has ever hit him, and he's gonna be kicking him. | ||
| In the stomach, in the legs, and he'll soften him up, and the rounds are five minutes long, and eventually he gets a clinch. | ||
| And when he gets a clinch, Mayweather is fucked. | ||
| He's going to the ground, he's not gonna be able to stop it, he's gonna get mounted, and he's gonna get elbows force-fed into his eye socket, his nose, his mouth, his jaw, the sides of his head, his ears. | ||
| He's gonna get elbowed in the ear, He's going to get punches dropped down on him when he's totally pinned down and defenseless. | ||
| He's going to have a knee on one of his biceps while the guy's literally on top of him, pounding him in the face. | ||
| And he won't be able to get up. | ||
| He won't be able to stop the crucifix. | ||
| He won't be able to stop anything. | ||
| He'll be tied up and smashed on the ground until he decides to choke him. | ||
| So he'll be completely defenseless. | ||
| So in that sense, the odds would be insane. | ||
| If Mayweather decided in the next two months, because the fight's going to take place in August, if he decided in the next two months— Which, by the way, I feel like it's soon. | ||
| Am I wrong? | ||
| I feel like it's too soon. | ||
| It's very quick. | ||
| Maybe it's not too soon. | ||
| Maybe they've been negotiating for a long time. | ||
| But at least Conor knows something about boxing, or this could be a thing. | ||
| But if they just took it from now and said, two months from now you're going to have an MMA fight. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| The odds would be 100,000 to 1. Like if you ask any real MMA expert, they'd be like, how fucked is he? | ||
| Oh, he's 100% fucked. | ||
| 100% fucked. | ||
| And boxing experts think that Mayweather is 100% fucked, but they'll give him a slight chance. | ||
| You never know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| People are throwing punches. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| Because Mayweather can throw a punch for sure. | ||
| And Conor can throw a punch for sure. | ||
| Who knows what happens? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Most likely, though, Mayweather outboxes him. | ||
| But you could see Conor landing something. | ||
| It could be crazy. | ||
| He's just the hardest person to land. | ||
| It's not just that he's the greatest fighter. | ||
| He's the hardest person to land a punch against. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| He's the best defensive boxer ever. | ||
| That's why it's boring. | ||
| I mean, it is. | ||
| By the way, I don't find it boring on a technical level. | ||
| I find it boring on a social... | ||
| I like the social element around a fight and the excitement. | ||
| It's a very good way to put it. | ||
| He's not the best... | ||
| You can't look at your pizza while you're eating it because you've got to keep your eye on the screen. | ||
| Like a Tyson fight. | ||
| Tyson was the best example of, in a lot of ways, what was wrong... | ||
| With people liking boxing because I just want to see someone get slaughtered, you know, and then Arturo Gotti and Mickey Ward is like the other side of it It's like neither guy can slaughter the other guy and they keep slaughtering each other and coming back Like that's that to me is always been my favorite kind of fight and torn personally because I know how dangerous it is for them, right? | ||
| It's such a horrible Yeah. | ||
| Horrible experience for their body. | ||
| Just exchanging punch after punch after punch. | ||
| A guy named Tim Haig just died this past weekend and he was a former UFC fighter who lost in the UFC and then went over and was fighting a bunch of other organizations and he sustained a series of pretty brutal knockouts. | ||
| It was like a boxing thing though. | ||
| Wasn't it a boxing accident? | ||
| So he fought a bunch of MMA fights, had gotten knocked out many times, and then went in just two months after a big knockout that he just had in April, fought a boxing match. | ||
| So he had been knocked out in April. | ||
| I believe it was April. | ||
| I'm sorry if I'm wrong. | ||
| That's what I read. | ||
| And then he's fighting again in this boxing match, and he's outmatched. | ||
| He takes his fight on short notice against a really good boxer. | ||
| I think he has like a 1-3 boxing record or something. | ||
| It's not a good boxing record. | ||
| And this guy just fucked him up and bad and the KO was brutal. | ||
| He apparently got knocked down several times in the first round and he got hit with some big bombs and dropped and his head bounced off the ground and he died. | ||
| It is a very rare thing to for someone to die in boxing in the heavyweight division It's usually the guys who dehydrate themselves and then come into a fight like really light Those are the ones that usually die. | ||
| So this is pretty rare. | ||
| There was like a serious beating in a fight between That really badass Cuban guy Southpaw big Something Louise He's a top contender right now in boxing in the heavyweight division, but he beat up this Russian cat and fucked him up and the guy wound up being in the hospital for quite a long time and I believe his career is over. | ||
| He had some swelling and bleeding on the brain, but he survived. | ||
| But Tim has unfortunately passed away. | ||
| Scary shit. | ||
| You know, so those fights, they come with, you know, there's a great consequence that we don't feel as spectators. | ||
| Although I think people feel it now more than ever. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| I mean, football, too. | ||
| I can't get over when you hear just a crack of a helmet. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Why was a brain-damaged fighter allowed to leave Madison Square Garden on his own? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is a homeboy's name there? | ||
| Magomed Abdusalamov. | ||
| Magomed Abdusalamov. | ||
| And he was fighting Mike Perez. | ||
| I think that's the fight. | ||
| So I got the guy wrong, too. | ||
| That's not the big Cuban heavyweight. | ||
| I think I fucked it up. | ||
| It's a different Cuban heavyweight. | ||
| By the way, have you been to the theater at the Garden there? | ||
| That's a great place to watch. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| The theater is amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm doing stand-up there. | ||
| I'm excited. | ||
| I'm excited. | ||
| There's a big UFC fight at Mass Square Garden. | ||
| What is that guy's... | ||
| No, Luis Gomez is a comedian. | ||
| There's a top Cuban heavyweight, something... | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| There's a lot of name overlap in boxing, too. | ||
| This guy was in a coma after this loss. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think I got the wrong guy, though. | ||
| Like, that was the right fight, but I'm trying to figure out who the other guy is that I thought was this guy. | ||
| That's another guy. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| He's one of the top guys, a really big dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Luis Ortiz? | |
| Yes, Luis Ortiz. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I thought I was going crazy. | ||
| I never remember anything. | ||
| That's why people, I've talked to people where they're like, you should do a sports thing. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm not, again, like I reiterate, I'm a fan. | ||
| I'm such a fan, but I just don't have the knowledge to pull out of my little knowledge satchel. | ||
| If you did, would you be interested in doing an alternative boxing commentary? | ||
| I feel like this is going to be the future of interactive television. | ||
| You're not going to have just one commentator team. | ||
| Oh, you have who you want? | ||
| Yeah, you have who you want. | ||
| I would be the one who would be like, this is fun, everybody. | ||
| I'd be the one who'd be like, I think he's cuter, but I think the other guy is better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Perfect. | |
| So look, how about this? | ||
| How about maybe a guy sitting down with his girlfriend and she's like, I don't want to watch this fight unless we watch Morgan's commentary. | ||
| And the guy's like, deal. | ||
| Deal. | ||
| We got it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Perfect. | |
| I get to watch the fight. | ||
| You get to listen to Morgan. | ||
| That's a fucking good idea. | ||
| And that's not a hard setup. | ||
| I talk a lot about a cut, man. | ||
| I love a cut. | ||
| I love a cut, man. | ||
| I love a close-up of a wound over the eye. | ||
| Of an end swell. | ||
| Softening down. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| There's something soothing about it. | ||
| Now when you were boxing, were you sparring? | ||
| Like a couple times, a little bit with like a friend. | ||
| Did you guys just tap each other or did you get a little crazy? | ||
| No, I'd go with my friend Amy and we would work out. | ||
| It was my workout. | ||
| I used it as a workout and then I became buddies with Freddie Roach. | ||
| I was working at Kimmel at the time. | ||
| This was 12 years ago or something like that. | ||
| And I would just work out and then occasionally do a little, like Freddie would have to do a little sparring, but it was very, you know, a couple points here and then done. | ||
| Like I was nervous. | ||
| I was nervous. | ||
| When I was a kid, I did a lot of karate. | ||
| I sparred as a kid. | ||
| I kicked some kid in the head at like a testing and I remember the instructor saying good job to me. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I just nailed some kid in the head when I was 12. The coolest thing about the wildcard was Pacquiao was training there every day pretty much and Freddie would let me stay when they closed the gym for Pacquiao. | ||
| He'd let me stay and watch him train. | ||
| That was awesome like 12 years ago to do that. | ||
| Did you ever see Brian Callen at the gym? | ||
| Yeah, I feel like if I didn't see him there, we talked about it, definitely. | ||
| Brian Callum boxes. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| He spars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| He's always talking to me about his sparring. | ||
| I'm like, dude, stop sparring. | ||
| Your brain is already soft. | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| I get excited about it. | ||
| I fought a, it was more of a bit, but for Vice magazine, when it was just a magazine, we did a, I fought a heavyweight, a female heavyweight. | ||
| We did it in prom dresses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What kind of a fight? | |
| She wasn't allowed to really... | ||
| Hit you? | ||
| Yeah, she could get her belts taken away and stuff. | ||
| But I brought this dude from the wildcard as my corner man, and we both wore prom dresses. | ||
| So she was a real fighter? | ||
| Real fighter, heavyweight fighter. | ||
| And then at one point, I think I just jumped on her back. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| And tried to, like, knock her down. | ||
| So she didn't try to hit you? | ||
| You know, the plan was for her to try, and my plan was for me to allow her to try, and then her manager was like, nah, she's not allowed to... | ||
| It's like, legally, she wasn't allowed to hurt me. | ||
| You don't want that. | ||
| I know, but I thought it'd be, you know... | ||
| Good, so you get knocked out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that'd be my fun little, you know... | |
| I get embarrassed when I haven't done something that sounds crazy. | ||
| I would like to be able to say I got knocked out once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't say that. | ||
| Someone will come and knock you out. | ||
| It's not good for you. | ||
| Here you are. | ||
| Oh, there's me. | ||
| She's picking you up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, she seems friendly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Heavyweight. | |
| So how come you stopped doing it? | ||
| How come you stopped boxing? | ||
| Good technique there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like how you're pushing off the back foot. | |
| Freddie Roach used to call my right the cannon, and I felt real honored about that. | ||
| You and Brian Callens, you get together and narrate your own lives. | ||
| What's known as the cannon? | ||
| Yeah, I think I like... | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| You know, honestly, I got like a little... | ||
| I got like depressed and stopped boxing and started going to this coffee place instead. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| That shit's boring. | ||
| I got like a little depressed. | ||
| Stopped going to the gym. | ||
| So the gym didn't help you with depression? | ||
| Like exercise didn't help you? | ||
| This one was like a big dip. | ||
| So it was a few months away from that kind of stuff. | ||
| And I just stopped going. | ||
| And then I didn't go back because it was so... | ||
| By that time... | ||
| I wanted to, but it was also that Jim became... | ||
| It's like Jeremy Piven's there every day. | ||
| It just became such a scene that it became not what I had started going there for, if that makes sense. | ||
| It does. | ||
| And I love it, and I should absolutely go back. | ||
| And frankly, I think Freddie Roach being as nice to me as he has been in my life is one of the stranger... | ||
| You know, kind of, oh, I don't know, he had no reason to sort of take me in, and he did. | ||
| I almost moved in next door to the wild card with Fred. | ||
| Like, it was like, you know, it was a dear friend for a long time. | ||
| Whoa, you were going to live with him? | ||
| We were going to live, I was going to live next to the gym almost for a second in the apartment attached to the gym, but... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I was just in the middle of shit. | ||
| That would be a crazy place to live. | ||
| You hear the bells going off. | ||
| Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he was great. | ||
| He took me to boxing writers' awards dinners and stuff. | ||
| I got to meet a lot of great people. | ||
| It was a cool time of my life, but I just sort of... | ||
| And then I moved to New York, and I think that was a big part of it, too. | ||
| Did you find out of Kovalev Ward if they had a standing eight count? | ||
| I found someone trying to describe the analysis and facts and said that it was a unified rules. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No standing eight count was in that. | |
| Oh, I see. | ||
| That's it then. | ||
| It wasn't like an official source. | ||
| Well, if a guy quits and there's no standing eight count, you've got to think of it as a knockout. | ||
| It's like MMA. But if there's a standing eight count, they would have given it to him there. | ||
| Or what he should have done is probably take a knee. | ||
| Kovalev probably should have taken a knee. | ||
| And if he took a knee, then he would get a ten count. | ||
| Then it would be considered a knockdown. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some low blows. | |
| Yeah, big low blows. | ||
| Yeah, he definitely got hit low. | ||
| And then there was a couple of them that are questionable, like on the belt line. | ||
| Apparently they were saying Kovalev's belt was pretty high. | ||
| It's funny because there tends to somehow in boxing, something happens, be it a horrific judgment, which I think happens a lot, to... | ||
| Allow there to be another fight like it just seems to be like right something always fucking how that's why When I have a lot of people over to watch boxing like I hate I hate The parts of the sport that seemed like it's fixed because I can appreciate the fight as a whole, even without an outcome, I think. | ||
| Do you think this is fixed? | ||
| No, no, not this. | ||
| But I just mean, in boxing, there always seems to be something happens that would make a rematch more attractive. | ||
| Right, but that's just the nature of competition on a big scale like that with crazy consequences. | ||
| Like the Klitschko-Anthony Joshua fight. | ||
| Like, that's the consequences of that fight. | ||
| Just fucking chaos. | ||
| Just guys getting knocked down, get back up, and knocking the other guy down, and holy shit! | ||
| Then a kind of a controversial ending, let me stop it! | ||
| He looked like he was defending himself! | ||
| But do you think there's more controversial endings in boxing than there are in MMA? I think people make split-second decisions when they're referees in the heat of the moment, and when you're gonna have that, you're gonna have mistakes. | ||
| It happens all the time. | ||
| It just feels like there's a lot of mistakes. | ||
| I do not think it's fixed. | ||
| Not by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
| I think, especially with respected fighters, I think people do have biases for certain styles, and there's certain referees that will let a fighter defend himself further than some will, especially in MMA. Sure, and judges are always sitting somewhere we're not, but I always find it hard to explain to friends who come over who never watch that stuff, and I'm like, I love having people over and having, like I said, the social aspect of sports to me is really fun, but... | ||
| When friends come over and they constantly see results that they don't understand, they're done with the sport. | ||
| Whereas if you like it more, you can be like, ah, it happens. | ||
| The problem is you're a people pleaser and you're trying to get these people to like something that you like. | ||
| You should just let them think it's fixed. | ||
| I've had so many conversations with guys like, MMA's fixed, man. | ||
| Just admit it. | ||
| I don't want to talk to you. | ||
| This is a silly way of approaching this issue. | ||
| You don't know anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're trying to pretend like you know something, so that right from the beginning we're fucked. | ||
| Like, we can't have this conversation. | ||
| You're pretending that you've seen enough fights, you understand fighting enough, you've competed enough, you've been hit enough, you've seen people get hit. | ||
| You know enough to know when something's real and something's not. | ||
| You know. | ||
| You know. | ||
| Everybody else can't figure it out, but you figured out that a lot of the fights are fixed. | ||
| There's some fixed fights, for sure. | ||
| I mean, that's why I like... | ||
| I mean, obviously, the last five years, I've been obsessed with Golovkin, because he's just a knockout artist, and you can't... | ||
| That's not... | ||
| There's some proof to it. | ||
| I mean, maybe with MMA, too, it's like you can... | ||
| I would say that early stoppages in boxing are probably more... | ||
| No, they're very common. | ||
| They're very common in both sports. | ||
| It's just people making mistakes. | ||
| But my point is, there are going to be fixed fights. | ||
| There's going to be people that do things. | ||
| Just like there's referees in NBA, apparently they get busted trying to stretch games out and trying to call fouls on certain teams and they work for people that bet money and they try to shave points. | ||
| That shit's always going to exist. | ||
| There's always going to be someone who tries to talk to a referee and says, listen, buddy, I'm not saying that you should fix the fight. | ||
| I'm saying if you see somebody get hurt, stop that motherfucker. | ||
| Stop that fight. | ||
| Pull that trigger a little quick. | ||
| No one's going to be mad at you. | ||
| And there's that. | ||
| There's definitely that. | ||
| But how often does it happen? | ||
| I bet it happens pretty rarely. | ||
| I bet it's much more people making mistakes, much more people in the heat of the moment, much more just the nature of the chaos of combat sport competition. | ||
| Just wacky shit happens. | ||
| And people make big mistakes as referees. | ||
| Just like, you know, people like you and I make big mistakes talking on a podcast. | ||
| You're just talking off the top of your head, right? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Make mistakes. | ||
| But with a referee, you're making a mistake for, like, this other guy's career. | ||
| Like, for Kovalev. | ||
| Like, to not recognize the low blows, to stop the fight, like, the way he did. | ||
| Kovalev fucked up. | ||
| He should have taken a knee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I mean, but that's the thing is that a lot of these things can lead to another fight. | ||
| Like, that's insane. | ||
| It's that without the controversy, there's less attraction. | ||
| Yeah, but no one's going to agree to it. | ||
| Look, Andre Ward is not going to agree to some sort of a predetermined outcome. | ||
| Kovalev is not going to agree to a predetermined outcome. | ||
| So those two principles, the most important parts of this equation, would never fucking ever agree to let the other person win. | ||
| There's not a chance in hell Kovalev is just going down from a nut shot. | ||
| Oh no, I don't think it's fixed. | ||
| I just think the controversy itself makes a rematch more attractive to viewers. | ||
| But the idea that somehow because it's fixed. | ||
| But a lot of people do. | ||
| Dude, boxing's so fixed. | ||
| That guy at the party just strolls over. | ||
| Everybody at my house. | ||
| I also seem to invite people over for the wrong fights. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Where you're like, oh, the last one was fucking great. | ||
| And then you have people over and it's like... | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| I'm embarrassed. | ||
| That's always how it is. | ||
| There's so many people that just, they just don't, they've never competed. | ||
| And so like, they just, and there's also people that want to call bullshit. | ||
| They want to be the first person to call bullshit. | ||
| So they like, they're a little itchy on the trigger, calling bullshit on things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's always going to be that, right? | |
| Contrarians. | ||
| A lot of contrarians. | ||
| A lot of them. | ||
| A lot of smart people are contrarians too. | ||
| Oh, some of my smartest friends. | ||
| It's disappointing sometimes. | ||
| Some of my smartest friends are always wrong. | ||
| Well, it's like what led them to be smart and curious. | ||
| It's like this distrust of things. | ||
| But contrarian is also fun, right? | ||
| You see the tide going one way, like, fuck that tide. | ||
| A little sparring. | ||
| A little verbal sparring. | ||
| Keep it flowing. | ||
| Yeah, that's a big thing with comics, right? | ||
| I find that the guys I tend to be attracted to are contrarians. | ||
| It's a fight from the get-go. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's what you like? | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| You like a little bit of a verbal sparring? | ||
| I like a little bit of a verbal sparring, yeah. | ||
| You like to see if they can hang. | ||
| Yeah, and I, you know, I, it's, you know, I'm, I'm my, uh, I'm, I'm totally driven entirely by being, like, you know, mentally stimulated, so it's just, then, then I'm, then I'm in, like, sexually, but if it's not fun, the banter's not fun, then I'm, then I, you know, I'm no interest in fucking someone. | ||
| I hear ya. | ||
| That's, Not how I feel at all. | ||
| That's a difference between guys and girls, though. | ||
| It is very much so. | ||
| Especially with comics. | ||
| I've heard that many times. | ||
| Girl comics say they would never date a guy that wasn't funny. | ||
| But you never hear that from a dude. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, that is... | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| It's one of the things I talk about the most with a lot of my female comedian friends. | ||
| But it's just... | ||
| There's no part of me that would be sexually interested in somebody who wasn't... | ||
| If not funny, they'd have to be brutally smart on a level that I don't even understand. | ||
| Like some Stephen Hawking shit. | ||
| Yeah, like I'd have to just... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'd like to... | ||
| This is going to sound wrong, but there's something fun and attractive about intellectually being put in your place. | ||
| Wow, that's weird. | ||
| Like you would like to be intellectually choked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, a little bit. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe it's not the popular opinion, but... | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| It's your opinion. | ||
| It doesn't have to be popular. | ||
| If you enjoy it. | ||
| It's also like, if somebody's... | ||
| It doesn't have to be my thing even. | ||
| If someone's great at their thing and I have no understanding of it, I find that to be attractive. | ||
| So it doesn't necessarily always have to be a comedian and someone who is brilliantly hilarious. | ||
| I've been attracted to guys who are just brilliant at a thing that I have zero comprehension on how you even get good at it, let alone great at it and something fun about it. | ||
| Yeah, I'm always fascinated by those people for sure, but I don't find them attractive. | ||
| Believe me, there are things I wish I was more attracted to. | ||
| I wish I was attracted to money and looks and all the things. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Do you really, though? | ||
| Doesn't that seem unoriginal? | ||
| It seems like there'd be more options. | ||
| And then it would be easier, as opposed to waiting three years to find someone who just hits the right button and you're like, oh god, I'm in. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well... | ||
| To be able to be tuned into someone in a mental way, like your minds are tuned into each other, where you can speak on the same terms, where you can both recognize the humor in things, you both have opinions on things, you both enhance the conversations that you have, like you throw in something that makes me laugh, and I throw in something that makes you laugh. | ||
| It's always so much more fun. | ||
| It just is. | ||
| That's how it is with friends. | ||
| That's how it is with everybody. | ||
| That's like what I said about Burr, like having that podcast with Burr. | ||
| Just when me and Burr are alone and we're talking shit, or our text messages we have back and forth with each other, they're hilarious. | ||
| It's like to have a friend like that is a cherished thing. | ||
| To have someone that you could sit and then if you could fuck them too. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| Yeah, that'd be fun. | ||
| It rarely happens. | ||
| Christina Pazitsky and Tom Segura. | ||
| It's one of the rare ones. | ||
| One of the rare... | ||
| Two funny comedians that get together, and they both have a great time together. | ||
| Bonnie McFarlane and Rich Voss. | ||
| That's another one. | ||
| Those are the two running contenders for The Throne. | ||
| Those are the two contenders for The Throne, though. | ||
| As far as the funniest married couple, 100%. | ||
| I don't see anybody else. | ||
| That's like at that level? | ||
| Bonnie and Rich and Tom and Christina? | ||
| I don't see anybody else at that level. | ||
| I'm trying to think. | ||
| It's rare, but they're outliers. | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| Natasha Leggero? | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I fucked up Moshe and I fucked up Natasha. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| They're both hilarious. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| I fucked up. | ||
| That's number three. | ||
| How did I not remember them? | ||
| But that's number three. | ||
| Those three people. | ||
| Other than that... | ||
| Who? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| That's three out of 300 million. | ||
| They're one out of 100 million. | ||
| Most of the smart, funny guys I know don't need that in a woman. | ||
| And that's, you know, it's not my place to judge. | ||
| Like, I wish... | ||
| There's part of me that goes like, you know, how could you date her? | ||
| She's a fucking idiot. | ||
| Whatever it is, it's not my job to judge who stimulates you. | ||
| But, you know, it would be easier if I had more options. | ||
| Do you think it would be cheesy if Moshe and Natasha went on stage with t-shirts that say one out of 100 million? | ||
| Because maybe that could be like their tour name. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they really are. | ||
| If they're a really legitimately hilarious couple, they're both hilarious, that's maybe one out of 100 million. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's pretty legit, right? | ||
| I mean... | ||
| I'm trying. | ||
| Maybe there's somebody else that I forgot. | ||
| Have you dated comedians? | ||
| When I was like 21. Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, oh, they're crazy too. | ||
| Can't have this. | ||
| Can't have crazy people feeding off each other. | ||
| That just doesn't seem like a wise move. | ||
| No. | ||
| And also, it's too complicated. | ||
| I've seen what happens when guys date a comic and then they break up with each other and then she comes around with some new dude and the guy's all bummed out. | ||
| That happened with Ari and Natasha. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's disastrous. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, don't do that. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Just be friends. | ||
| Unless... | ||
| Unless you gotta do what you gotta do. | ||
| You know, it could work. | ||
| The problem is that you're in the same scene as someone, so you gotta work through all of your shit around the person that hurt you, and that's, you know, that's the hardest. | ||
| But you might come out of it a better person. | ||
| You might come out of it more open-minded, more easygoing, more forgiving. | ||
| Just deal. | ||
| Just overcome. | ||
| You're so positive. | ||
| I try to be. | ||
| I try to be more. | ||
| I do my best. | ||
| I don't always succeed, but I do my best. | ||
| But again, it'll, you know, it'll work out. | ||
| It's all gonna work out. | ||
| Except for this fucking Yellowstone thing, goddammit! | ||
| We're done. | ||
| It's a lot of earthquakes. | ||
| Do you know, I'd like a guy who does that, who like, measures earthquakes and shit. | ||
| Seismologist? | ||
| Yeah, well, you know, but like, knows more about, like a, like a real cynical seismologist, who's like, we're done, we're cooked. | ||
| What if you really liked a guy, but then you found out he was into jazz? | ||
| Um, it's happened. | ||
| What's happened? | ||
| I mean, like, oh no. | ||
| And you come home to your apartment. | ||
| I had a guy, every time he called me, there was jazz on in the background. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Every time. | ||
| No. | ||
| But he was a, you know, very serious actor. | ||
| You know, like self-serious. | ||
| Probably didn't even like the jazz. | ||
| He just wanted it on in the background. | ||
| Probably put it on in the background right before he called. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, oh, someone's calling me. | ||
| It made me seem more sophisticated. | ||
| Brian Callen used to leave books out on his table that he wasn't really reading. | ||
| I called him out on it. | ||
| I came over to his house one time and he had the catcher in the rye or something like that. | ||
| Sitting right on his coffee table. | ||
| I'm like, bitch, you are not reading that. | ||
| He started laughing. | ||
| He goes, I'm not. | ||
| And I go, what the fuck do you have that here for, man? | ||
| He goes, to impress girls. | ||
| I go, I knew it. | ||
| I knew it. | ||
| It's just so obvious. | ||
| To impress girls who don't ask any questions. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like he'd ever have to defend it or get into it or go, what's your opinion of it? | ||
| Why would you date a girl who asked questions? | ||
| That's just, Jesus Christ, that seems like a disaster waiting to happen. | ||
| If you date a girl and right away they come to questions. | ||
| So what books have you read recently? | ||
| like oh Jesus this is not gonna work yeah We just hit a low. | ||
| Stop talking. | ||
| Yeah, what do we do now? | ||
| Just kind of rebuild momentum. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Talk about new shit. | |
| I wish I was, like, a big, exciting lady. | ||
| You know, with a lot of... | ||
| With a lot of movement. | ||
| I think one of the best things you've ever done is that Carlos Mencia thing where you did his material. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You said that you did it in 1920. What did you say? | ||
| Like 1912. I was trying to make it obvious that I was fucking with people, but it's not. | ||
| Every few months I check, I see what's going on over there, and every comment is like... | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| He does it better. | ||
| I'm just like, I was fucking with you. | ||
| Yeah, you dummy. | ||
| It says 1912. What the fuck? | ||
| It's pretty obvious, too, the way you're doing it, that it's a parody. | ||
| Yeah, I was reading off a cue card I made in five minutes. | ||
| I think there's certain people that are doomed. | ||
| They're just doomed. | ||
| You're never going to get to them, you know? | ||
| It's like there's certain fish that can breathe with their gills, and they also can breathe air. | ||
| They can suck air. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not everybody has that ability. | ||
| Not everybody has the ability to recognize humor or satire or just to see it. | ||
| There's certain people that are... | ||
| I just think they have a dull battery for a brain. | ||
| It's more obvious and pronounced now more than ever because everyone's got a little bit of a voice on the old computer. | ||
| Well, more of a voice than ever. | ||
| Now we get to see not only It's not how they make their own jokes, but how they respond to yours. | ||
| And the combination of both is startling, frightening. | ||
| That and also, like, these people are illuminated now. | ||
| Or they might have been just in the shadows before. | ||
| Some weird neighborhoods. | ||
| And the good thing about it is that people that live in those weird neighborhoods, like kids, they get exposed to way more shit. | ||
| Like, there is such a difference between when you travel and you go on the road now and you go to a town. | ||
| Like in the middle of nowhere versus going to a town in the middle of nowhere in the 90s. | ||
| You go to town in the middle of nowhere in the 90s, you were in an outlier post. | ||
| Like you were in like some Mad Max type situation. | ||
| You're doing some Minnesota gig in the middle of nowhere. | ||
| Like these people aren't going to know shit. | ||
| About the real world. | ||
| I mean, they're going to be trapped out here. | ||
| The town's only got 5,000 people in there or something. | ||
| You're doing like a college out there. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| But now, they might as well be living in San Francisco. | ||
| They all have the internet. | ||
| People just know things now. | ||
| They talk now. | ||
| It's funny, Doug, and he's right, but he'll shit on me a little bit about... | ||
| Like, we'll go somewhere and I'll go like, oh, it's funny. | ||
| He goes, that's not the road. | ||
| Like, he has a real, you know, I'd be like, guys who, I mean, like you do, like, who have really fucking done, put in the road work across the country, across the fucking world. | ||
| Like, I am admittedly not that person. | ||
| And the places that I think are sort of, you know, out there, middle of nowhere, like, he'll put me in my place so fast of like, this is nothing. | ||
| What's the darkest place you've been in terms of exposure to the light of enlightenment? | ||
| One gig I did with Henry Phillips once was in my 20s. | ||
| Chris Fairbanks and Henry Phillips and I went... | ||
| I don't have any crazy... | ||
| I don't do the drugs that would lead to better stories than the ones I have. | ||
| But I... You know, just like where you're just... | ||
| Sleeping on a twin bed with another comedian in a kid's room, because his parents own the pizza place that you drove up to perform at, and there's like a 14-year-old vomiting drunk outside the window. | ||
| That kind of shit where you're just... | ||
| And you're a grown-up, technically. | ||
| You're in your 20s, and you're just going, what am I... What am I here for? | ||
| $50 and a six-hour car ride and free pizza and a kid's twin bed and, like, people are having contests to see who can piss the highest outside? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, just that kind of shit where I'm just... | |
| At one point, I started to hate it. | ||
| Now, I think the friends that I have who go out and occasionally take me or go with them, I have so much fun now doing stuff that I got tired of, I think, in my 20s. | ||
| So it's interesting. | ||
| I'm a little bit reinvigorated. | ||
| Well, you realize that those things can be fun once you become a real professional, first of all. | ||
| In the beginning, you're so looking forward to working at the comedy store or the improv or... | ||
| Headlining, seeing your name on the, oh, the billboard, look. | ||
| But once you've done that, then you realize there's actually fun in these places. | ||
| The problem is me freaking out about this two hours I have to spend in this shithole bar. | ||
| I should be enjoying the fuck out of it. | ||
| I should be coming in here with a relaxed attitude, having a good time, and experiencing this for what it is instead of experiencing like, oh my god, I'm so frustrated because I really want to climb my way up to being a professional Right. | ||
| But I'm stuck in this shit bar. | ||
| But then once you kind of are, then you realize, like, no, no, no, those are actually fun. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And the memories. | ||
| Now I just, like, my only thing with my booking guys, like, I just say, I'll go anywhere that I haven't been to yet. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, name the place. | ||
| If I like it, I'll go. | ||
| And if I haven't been there, I'll go. | ||
| Like, I love the unknown of it. | ||
| But I'm definitely not a, you know, a veteran of the road. | ||
| The real issue is non-direct flights. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Any place where you go that doesn't have a direct flight, you might get fucked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could get fucked. | ||
| I mean, for this tour that Doug's doing, his tour manager's driving a car out from Arizona to the East Coast. | ||
| Oh, so they're just driving around? | ||
| And then I'll meet him out there. | ||
| Oh, that's smart. | ||
| And do a bunch of dates out there. | ||
| That's a good way to do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know my manager brought up getting a bus, like doing a bus tour. | ||
| I'm like, hey, hey, hey, hey. | ||
| Doesn't Ron White have a bus? | ||
| Oh yeah, he's got like a number one tequila bus. | ||
| Yes, he does. | ||
| Yeah, but that's Ron. | ||
| You know, I have young kids. | ||
| Like, I'm not doing a bus. | ||
| Gaffigan gets a bus when he has his kids out on the road. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| Also, I like doing too much other shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't like being... | ||
| If I'm just on the road for a month, that's not a healthy month. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not into that. | ||
| I don't want any weird fucking momentum taking over my life. | ||
| Well, I feel that way. | ||
| I can't do it alone. | ||
| I don't want to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so fun. | |
| I have no interest in doing it alone. | ||
| And frankly, I can't... | ||
| I can't... | ||
| Afford to headline and bring people with me. | ||
| I'm not that kind of a draw. | ||
| So I would much rather go out with friends who can bring me, do a little less time, and have a good time with a bunch of friends. | ||
| It's not the front lines, brave way to go about stand-up comedy, but it's just like I have no interest in suffering on the road. | ||
| And why should you? | ||
| Why do you have to have that interest? | ||
| Well, no, I mean, I think there are certain people who are like, well, you're taking the easy way out, you're not headlining this week, you're going out, you're doing a nice 30-35 max, and it's like, yeah, well, that's what I'm doing this week. | ||
| So what? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| Why is that a bad thing? | ||
| I know a lot of guys do that. | ||
| They do that all the time. | ||
| The headline, sometimes they go on the road in their middle. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| The things that people worry about and pick apart are just so goddamn pointless. | ||
| Plus, you get the opportunity to go out with stand-up. | ||
| Why would you not want to do that? | ||
| And I figured out a long time ago, like the road, there's two types of road. | ||
| There's a road by yourself, which can get real lonely. | ||
| It's depressing. | ||
| It can get very lonely. | ||
| Or there's a road with friends. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where's a party. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| I remember looking at a window at like Springfield, Illinois. | ||
| I was like 19 or 20. Oof. | ||
| And I just looked out the parking lot window and I was like, I love stand-up and I love comedy, but I said, this is not... | ||
| For me, this will destroy me. | ||
| I did all of my gigs on the road by myself until I could afford to not do it anymore. | ||
| And then right around the end of the 90s, I started taking Chris McGuire on the road with me a lot. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Chris, a long time. | ||
| And it cost money. | ||
| You'd have to pay for the flight and pay for the hotel room, but I'm like, I would rather be out a few hundred bucks here and there and have a good time. | ||
| It made the experience infinitely better. | ||
| I went to do Phoenix recently, just for a night, to get some time in that I couldn't get in LA. So I went out there for the night to do a long set, and I said, I'm bringing my friend. | ||
| And I was like, who's your friend? | ||
| I go, her name's Chris. | ||
| And they were like, oh, where does she perform? | ||
| She's my best friend from college, she's really funny, and she does some stand-up. | ||
| I'm bringing her with me. | ||
| And she's more of a comedic actress who does some live performance stuff, and she did fucking great. | ||
| She had to do 10, 15 minutes. | ||
| She was perfect. | ||
| I'm like, I could have brought someone who's been doing comedy 12 years. | ||
| I was like, I wanted to go with my best friend. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's what I wanted to do. | ||
| Wanted to have fun. | ||
| Wanted to have fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it makes it way better. | ||
| You're in Minnesota, but you're home. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're in Cleveland, but you're home. | ||
| Yeah, it's the best. | ||
| The best. | ||
| And the camaraderie between comedians, it's like such an unusual camaraderie. | ||
| It's very unusual. | ||
| Well, it's also... | ||
| I remember being on the... | ||
| Doug's a cranky traveler. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is he? | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, he'll tell you firsthand. | ||
| And we landed LAX, and then it was like... | ||
| We had to take a different airline, so we had to get on a shuttle to go somewhere. | ||
| Like a shuttle after the plane is like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, when someone doesn't like surprises like that. | ||
| So it's on the shuttle, but it's just like constant jokes about... | ||
| Like, we're going to Auschwitz, but, like, loud Auschwitz jokes on, like, the, you know, American Airlines shuttle with, like, people around you. | ||
| And, like, I'm a little more sensitive to, like, I'll look around and go, like, oh, we're not liked here. | ||
| But there's nothing better than being around other people who, like, speak your language and you don't have to explain anything. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's one of the things that Doug said to me once. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He goes, I think I could quit comedy, but I could never quit comedians. | |
| Oh. | ||
| That's like, uh, sensitive shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| It's deep. | ||
| I was telling him, like, if everything goes wrong, he could clearly organize some sort of a village in Bisbee and all the comics move to him. | ||
| I'm considering... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I have a Bisbee realtor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| You're thinking about buying a home? | ||
| I have to be in LA. My work is in LA. Doug doesn't have to be in LA. But I haven't found a place that offers me... | ||
| The way that place does it, I haven't found a place that offers me everything I don't realize I miss when I'm in LA. Like what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does it offer you? | |
| The second I get there, it's a sense of calm, it's a sense of... | ||
| Reprioritizing your day around things that have nothing to do with show business and you know being around people who aren't in the business I mean most of my friends weirdly are not comedians like that I hang out with every day but I don't know I mean the other day like I was there and we had a little like pickup basketball game plan for like 9 a.m. | ||
| and like eight people showed up to watch me play this dude Kenny like it's just small-town kind of shit But with people who seem to have figured out why they're there, too, and I just really dig it. | ||
| I dig the whole vibe. | ||
| I dig the city, the town, or whatever. | ||
| I like the drive there, even. | ||
| How long is the drive from L.A.? No, I haven't driven from L.A. I'd fly into Tucson, drive like an hour and a half, but I always was obsessed with getting a place in Costa Rica or Nicaragua. | ||
| Anytime I go to another country, and I'm like, oh, this is it. | ||
| This is my spot. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you think that's because you're You traveled a lot when you were a kid? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I think there's a part of me that has a little bit of a problem staying still because I never knew that kind of consistency. | ||
| But the thing I realized about Bisbee, which again is so like Doug's thing that it's almost funny, but it's... | ||
| I, I, I, I, it's all those feelings that I had in even in other countries where I was like, it's getting away, but it's close enough. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, it's just, but you still feel like you're on the outskirts and you feel like you go back in time a little bit there. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| You know, and there's something refreshing about waking up and going, I'm gonna go get my coffee at the one coffee place. | ||
| I'm gonna go get my, this kind of food at the one place that has this kind of food. | ||
| You know, I'm gonna go get my fresh eggs from the lady who has fresh eggs and come from her chicken. | ||
| Like, it's just shit that I don't do here. | ||
| And I didn't even think I wanted to do until I got there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I like those places. | ||
| I love Boulder, which is much bigger than Bisbee, but still for the same reasons. | ||
| I think what we do specifically also, like you're in front of crowds all the time, I think there's a real benefit to being away from crowds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just smaller groups of people, it's more relaxed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's also, you know, I think you go somewhere a certain number of times, you meet kind of the people that are there. | ||
| I mean, obviously I've met a lot of Doug's friends and stuff, and You know, once you're not bothered, you go from a place of like, ah, I wonder if anyone's going to annoy me. | ||
| No one annoys you. | ||
| Then you're like, I really like it here. | ||
| Then you're like, oh, I really love it here. | ||
| Then you're like, I think I could have a place here. | ||
| So you're thinking about legitimately picking up shop and moving to Bisbee and then keeping an apartment here. | ||
| And then when you're not working like in Hollywood shit, you live in Bisbee and you go on the road from there. | ||
| Yeah, not quite. | ||
| But I am thinking about having something consistent that like... | ||
| I will probably have to be here the majority of the time for the foreseeable future, but I'm curious about what it'd be like to have my own little spot that I could go to when I want to. | ||
| In doing it enough now, I realize you can go for a weekend and it feels like a good decompress. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| You know, there's a cave for sale out there. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| He's trying to get... | ||
| Did you see? | ||
| He's trying to get... | ||
| So far, I feel like... | ||
| I don't know if you were interested, but I know me, Kreischer, Roseanne, Norm, and Doug. | ||
| Like, the people who have expressed interest in this cave of going in and getting it. | ||
| I was like, oh, I would live in that fucking insane asylum in a heartbeat. | ||
| Dope. | ||
| Yeah, it's amazing. | ||
| It's super dope. | ||
| You should get it. | ||
| Thought about it a couple times, I'm going to be honest with you. | ||
| You should. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I'm looking at like a, you know, a little craftsman one, two bedroom. | ||
| I mean, I want just a little place to go with my dog and stuff, but, you know, if you get the cave, I'll stay there and clean it for you. | ||
| The problem is, if you get the cave, everybody knows where you live. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get a keep out sign. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's it. | |
| That's all you need. | ||
| Keep out sign. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And some wild javelinas roaming around your yard. | ||
| You could hire a number of people there who would gladly stand in the front of your driveway with a gun. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sweet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How many guns? | ||
| Do they have backup guns? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Living in a cave would be the shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you could live in a cave? | |
| It's carved into the mountain. | ||
| There it is right there. | ||
| It feels right for you. | ||
| Young Jamie's got it. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| But I'm saying that so far, and Doug thought ten people. | ||
| Doug, me, Roseanne, Bert. | ||
| You have to live with Bert. | ||
| No, I don't have to live with him. | ||
| I'm going to buy it. | ||
| Bert, look, you can come stay over, but you drink too much. | ||
| Can't live with you, bro. | ||
| Look at this thing. | ||
| This thing is the shit. | ||
| Yeah, you see the water. | ||
| I mean, all the outdoor stuff, too. | ||
| I want to live in this place. | ||
| The lake and the water. | ||
| I would write some awesome stuff in this house. | ||
| I always think that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I write my best material. | |
| That's what I keep thinking. | ||
| I keep trying to find the house that I think alright. | ||
| Don't jump up, though. | ||
| You hit your head. | ||
| You'll die. | ||
| No one will find you. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| That's the bed. | ||
| The bed is carved into the ground. | ||
| No, that's like a... | ||
| Is that a fireplace in there? | ||
| Oh, that's beautiful. | ||
| He's got like a carpet and some pillows. | ||
| Is that a fireplace? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a yoga room. | |
| A yoga room. | ||
| Oh, pretentious! | ||
| You have a room to do your yoga. | ||
| That's a little built-in studio type thing. | ||
| Oh, that's a real house. | ||
| Oh, you get a real house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's security. | |
| And then you've got all this land and water and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| So the real house, you take some Rambo type character. | ||
| That's where I would work. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Back it up. | ||
| Want to see where Morgan would work? | ||
| I'll work at that table. | ||
| Dude, would you have coffee? | ||
| And your wife be pouring you the coffee like Hunter S. Thompson, that classic picture of him at Big Sur. | ||
| God, I need a wife. | ||
| You already have one. | ||
| I'm tired of shit. | ||
| That lady who's trying to get you to have a kid. | ||
| Oh, my housekeeper? | ||
| Yeah, she's your life partner. | ||
| She really is. | ||
| That's a fucking amazing view. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I might have to buy that cave. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| It's like if we were gonna move to a new spot, this would be a spot to move to. | ||
| God, that's beautiful. | ||
| I would get in bikini shape for that little lagoon. | ||
| You have to give me six months before you buy it. | ||
| You could get resident tags. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| For animals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Go hunt animals in the mountains around there. | ||
| Oh, don't shoot my dog. | ||
| No, not your dog. | ||
| I have dogs too. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| God. | ||
| I'm a dog lover. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But I feel like you've also got a trigger finger. | ||
| Got an itchy trigger finger. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think you have the wrong impression of me. | ||
| I think you think I'm more volatile than I am. | ||
| How many people live in Bisbee? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Thousands? | ||
| 5,000? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I have no fucking idea. | ||
| The elevation's really high, though. | ||
| Playing basketball was hard. | ||
| Like, what's the elevation? | ||
| It's like a mile high. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I was deep. | ||
| I would say two baskets in. | ||
| 5,000 feet? | ||
| I was leaning over real hard. | ||
| I could barely play. | ||
| The city was... | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Population is 5,000 too. | ||
| Elevation is 5,000. | ||
| Population is 5,000. | ||
| 5,500 on both. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| Yeah, I got a little... | ||
| This last time I was there, I got a two-bedroom Airbnb, little house, hot tub, all that shit. | ||
| 85 bucks a night, two-bedroom house. | ||
| Dude, that's a good deal. | ||
| Is there a gym there? | ||
| Yeah, you know what? | ||
| You got to ask Doug because his buddy, his husband, he just joined a gym that's like a minute away, like that's right there. | ||
| Then they talk about that. | ||
| In Tucson, you said an hour and a half drive? | ||
| Hour and a half drive. | ||
| That's not that bad if you need to really do something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not bad at all. | |
| It's like going to Santa Barbara. | ||
| That's what I said to like everyone I work with. | ||
| I was like, I'm going to leave. | ||
| I can be back in three hours. | ||
| Basically, I just said, let me know if I need to come back for any kind of emergency shit and I'll be back. | ||
| But... | ||
| Easy to go. | ||
| In the mountains. | ||
| Does it get cold there at all? | ||
| I think it gets cold at night sometimes, but you gotta say, the weather's amazing in that, like I've talked to, my dad called me, he's like, I hear it's real hot there, and I'm like, it's so breezy constantly in Bisbee. | ||
| It gets really hot, but not as hot as it does in other areas because of the elevation. | ||
| Yeah, 5,500 feet is fucking high, I would imagine. | ||
| You gonna do it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
K-pass? | |
| What's the economy there? | ||
| Like, what do people do? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Why are they there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They're just piled up? | ||
| I don't know why anybody else is there. | ||
| I mean, I know why I go. | ||
| How many people have moved there because of Doug? | ||
| I think... | ||
| A couple hundred? | ||
| I think more than people would think, yeah. | ||
| It seems like there's quite a few folks who... | ||
| Hundreds? | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| No, that I don't think so. | ||
| I mean, it's almost, like I remember talking to Doug about liking it, and I almost felt like I had to ask him, like, hey, I think I'm going to come out. | ||
| Like, is that okay? | ||
| I know it's your fucking town. | ||
| Like, it's, you want to be the one who finds it. | ||
| I mean, I've been out like four times. | ||
| I brought my friend, I brought my buddy Bill from, he's a good friend of mine out here. | ||
| Like, we hit the road. | ||
| Like, it's, I would... | ||
| It's the kind of place that I want to bring people to and show them. | ||
| Did Doug get excited when you thought about moving there? | ||
| I think... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I can't tell. | ||
| You can't tell. | ||
| It seems happy, but then also there is a part of when a place is somebody's thing, you don't want to... | ||
| Intrude. | ||
| Intrude. | ||
| Right, I get it. | ||
| So, I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I also don't think I'll, you know, I would just love a little second, little rustic place where I do nothing. | ||
| Where I do all my nothing. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I'll live in your cave. | ||
| Would you want to watch the cave? | ||
| I'll watch the cave. | ||
| Would you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No weird stuff though, right? | ||
| No. | ||
| Whenever you let a comic watch your house. | ||
| I mean, I might have some processed sugar in the cave if that's going to be a big problem for you. | ||
| That's going to be an issue. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's super bad for you, Morgan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keep it out of your body. | |
| Keep it out of my cave. | ||
| I just take a picture of Doritos in front of your favorite places in a cave. | ||
| Mmm. | ||
| It's funny they can't get anybody to buy that cave. | ||
| I would feel like that would be something that people would be trying to buy up. | ||
| Mm-hmm The problem is, try selling it. | ||
| Trying to sell a cave to someone who could afford a $3 million cave? | ||
| Like, there's not a lot of those dudes out there. | ||
| Or women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This cave house is in France. | |
| Oh! | ||
| Oh, you're ballin'. | ||
| You're ballin' so strong. | ||
| You're on the side of a mountain. | ||
| Hope it doesn't go all Pompeii on your ass, though. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| You could do a lot of this shit with the cave in Bisbee. | ||
| You could do a lot of that low-seeding. | ||
| I see it happening. | ||
| Now I really want you to get that fucking cave. | ||
| How about an amphitheater? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Outside? | |
| Amphitheater? | ||
| Have folk singers come by? | ||
| There's a small little amphitheater in the park in Bisbee. | ||
| Is there? | ||
| Yeah, a little one. | ||
| You could do a show there. | ||
| Oh, what is this? | ||
| It's a different one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| I typed in the cave house in Bisbee, but a lot of cave houses are just coming up, too. | ||
| I saw a special on one of them television shows about houses where they're just all cave houses. | ||
| People building houses in caves, carving art into the wall. | ||
| Yeah, we're going back to the caves. | ||
| Well, it's just people are bored. | ||
| They just want something interesting. | ||
| Look at this fucking place. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Where he lives is so goddamn important. | ||
| Every place has a different feel to it. | ||
| That's why the idea of countries is so fucked up. | ||
| Stopping people from living somewhere awesome. | ||
| Well, yeah, I mean, if you told me, like, I can't go to Bisbee anymore, I can't go to... | ||
| Perfect example. | ||
| I'd get pissed. | ||
| If somebody drew a line around Bisbee, no, this is Bisbania. | ||
| Now, you can't come in unless you have papers. | ||
| Do you have any exceptional talents that we would want to let you into Bisbania? | ||
| Right? | ||
| I mean, shit. | ||
| Just 300 years ago, this wasn't even real, right? | ||
| 300 years ago, there was no America. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| It's not too hard to believe that one day Bisbania could be a real thing. | ||
| Maybe Doug takes over. | ||
| Maybe they invent some stem cells that let Doug live for a long time, like way longer than he's supposed to. | ||
| Like five more years? | ||
| Five hundred. | ||
| Five hundred years. | ||
| And three hundred years from now, Doug is like some crazy old wizard mayor. | ||
| This is all the people in his... | ||
| Yeah, I don't know these people. | ||
| All those guys have moved there. | ||
| Well, that's Andy. | ||
| I know Andy Andrews. | ||
| Where's Andy? | ||
| Green underwear in front with a black hat. | ||
| And then there's, um, I don't know those other dudes. | ||
| Probably Bizbanians. | ||
| They need to, uh, Bizbania, need to declare their own country. | ||
| It's not a bad move, right? | ||
| Who's gonna stop you? | ||
| No one's even gonna leave you alone. | ||
| Just keep it low-key. | ||
| It's cool that you're five minutes from Mexico, too, you do a little drive into Mexico. | ||
| Shit goes down, just bolt south of the border. | ||
| Ooh, ooh, take the money and ride. | ||
| Alright, Morgan, I think we've taken too much of your time. | ||
| It's almost 2 p.m. | ||
| Done almost three hours. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Oh my god, I can't wait to look at the comments. | ||
| Don't read that shit! | ||
| Are you gonna read that? | ||
| No, I don't read anything. | ||
| That's why you get depressed. | ||
| No, I don't read comments. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| I don't either. | ||
| I don't need someone telling me I sound fat. | ||
| Where can people see you? | ||
| Where can they get in touch with you? | ||
| Where can they send you dick pics? | ||
| I am on Twitter, Morgan underscore Murphy. | ||
| I'll be out on the road with Stanhope from the 22nd to the 3rd of July. | ||
| You can look at his website for those dates. | ||
| And... | ||
| Oh yeah, Doug's got a special thing coming out on CISO, I guess. | ||
| That's me and Brendan Walsh. | ||
| It's Glenn Wohl. | ||
| He hosts this thing in South by Southwest, so that's coming out. | ||
| Oh, beautiful. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| Doug's the executive producer? | ||
| Doug hosted and brought out me, Brendan, and Glenn. | ||
| Oh, that's excellent. | ||
| When is that coming out? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Morgan Murphy. | ||
| I'm glad we're friends. | ||
| You're very, very funny for us. | ||
| Oh, you're the best. | ||
| That sounded real. | ||
| Jamie, anything to say before we leave? | ||
| No. | ||
| Alright, that's it. | ||
| Thank you, Morgan. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Bye, everybody. |
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