May 4, 2017 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:35:43
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
5, 4, 3, 2, 1 For sure? | |
| Live? | ||
| You're a fucking responsible guest. | ||
| I just want to give you props for that. | ||
| You took your phone, you shut that bitch off, and you put it aside. | ||
| Well, it's a big thing for me, also, just as a comedian in comedy clubs, you start seeing the comedy store become popular, and I started noticing a bunch of chicks in there just looking at their phones nonstop. | ||
| And I even put this thing on my phone. | ||
| It's an app called Moment that tracks how long I'm using it and what I'm using. | ||
| So if I get over a certain amount, I'm like, I gotta fucking put this thing down. | ||
| That's very smart. | ||
| We're all monkeys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking looking down at this thing. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| The dopamines. | ||
| I mean, I have a 15-year-old son and nonstop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whitney Cummings is explaining all the actual chemical responses that go on. | ||
| You literally do become addicted to that phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| And there's a lot of good shit on there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| That's the problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I mean, how many times do you find yourself about to go to bed and just like... | ||
| Hitting refresh. | ||
| Checking Twitter feeds. | ||
| Maybe some interesting news stories coming up. | ||
| Maybe there's something I missed. | ||
| Let me go check Instagram. | ||
| Maybe there's a crazy picture that I didn't see. | ||
| It's okay to miss it. | ||
| It is okay to miss it. | ||
| It's totally okay to miss it. | ||
| I go, I admire what Ari did. | ||
| He stepped away from the whole fucking smartphone completely. | ||
| Just had a full conversation with him about it yesterday because I said you had three things happen that allowed you to completely check out and go on this trip of yours. | ||
| I go, you have no kids. | ||
| You have no kids, you have no wife, you have no family. | ||
| No dog, no cat, no fucking nothing. | ||
| He moved to New York. | ||
| I gave him all of my furniture because he was moving to New York when I was leaving New York. | ||
| So I'm like, dude, have all this shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's right. | |
| You were there for The Daily Show. | ||
| There for The Daily Show and then I took off. | ||
| I was commuting back and forth. | ||
| Because I left my family in LA, and I took the gig. | ||
| So on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, I'd work in New York. | ||
| And then I'd fucking fly back. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| It was a horrible mistake. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| We talked about that before you did it. | ||
| And I was like, man, I don't believe you're doing this. | ||
| I killed myself. | ||
| My back is all fucked up. | ||
| I was telling Callan, like I said, I was cashew-shaped. | ||
| Oh, you're humping Ford? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| Like, if I crack my whole back... | ||
| When you're in an airline seat constantly, and you're just constantly all stressed out, and your sleep is all fucked up, it's not good. | ||
| So, I got cast in another show, I got the fuck out of there, and I gave Ari all my things. | ||
| But Ari has, like you said, no fish. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| And then he has financial freedom, because he's got the show on Comedy Central, he's got a great podcast, he's got all that kind of shit going on. | ||
| And then he also... | ||
| Has this attitude that allows him to do something like that because I don't have those three things. | ||
| I mean the financial freedom I got, but I have these three dependents. | ||
| I have two dogs. | ||
| And I don't have the attitude. | ||
| Like, if I'm not working non-stop, I feel crazy. | ||
| You should tell people what you're talking about, because a lot of people that are tuning into this podcast probably don't realize that Ari, our good friend, checked out of Civilization for three solid months at least, right? | ||
| I think maybe more. | ||
| First of all, he's rocking a flip phone. | ||
| He doesn't have any apps, so he doesn't... | ||
| He has no smartphone, but then he just decides to go away and Check out he no one's communicated with him, you know, we're sort of in business together on this all things comedy thing and He's on our board of directors and I need to tell him about shit and didn't even buy like he we did a Skype and he's like I'm gone and then people on his show The Comedy Central show, they're trying to get a hold of him. | ||
| Nobody can get fucking a hold of Var. | ||
| And he loves it. | ||
| And me, if I seriously, I had to buy books. | ||
| Like, you know, I read a lot of Jack Reacher. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| Yeah, do you know that? | ||
| Best character of all time. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, 6'4", 240 pounds. | ||
| I know people are associated with the Tom Cruise movie, but this guy is the most badass. | ||
| He's a military cop. | ||
| Yeah, how is Tom Cruise, the little tiny dude? | ||
| He just optioned the movies. | ||
| Is that what happened? | ||
| My uncle, Skip Tarantino, came up to me. | ||
| I didn't even know anything about Jack Reacher at my brother's wedding. | ||
| And he walks up and he goes, Can you believe they made Tom Cruise Jack Reacher? | ||
| And I go, what are you talking about? | ||
| There's a problem? | ||
| And he broke the whole thing down. | ||
| He goes, let me tell you something about Jack Reacher. | ||
| Jack Reacher's six foot four. | ||
| Jack Reacher is like this total badass. | ||
| He's an expert marksman. | ||
| He's ten steps ahead. | ||
| He's a big numbers guy. | ||
| This guy, Lee Child, created the perfect character. | ||
| So I read all those books, but I have to force myself to read those books so I can chill the fuck out because, again, and this is something that people of other comics have pointed out, I can't be alone with my own thoughts. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because... | ||
| I've had some crazy shit happen lately. | ||
| Dad passed away. | ||
| A lot of comics have passed away. | ||
| I have friends with a ton of comedians that have... | ||
| Freddy Soto was one of my good, good buddies. | ||
| He's gone to... | ||
| Dude, I started comedy with, passed away early on. | ||
| So you and Freddy Soto passed me, you know, got me sponsored at the comedy store. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was very close to him. | ||
| Like, me and Sebastian were his openers. | ||
| And so I think that might have something to do with it. | ||
| It's like I'm trying to, it's a lot of great stuff happening, but I feel like I distract myself with work. | ||
| So I just keep busy as fuck. | ||
| Do you enjoy work? | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love the satisfaction of making stuff and having people enjoy it. | ||
| It seems like you love doing stand-up. | ||
| When I see you at the store and you're going up, it looks like you're having a great time. | ||
| Oh, I just have a great time hanging out with other comics. | ||
| I love the comedy store. | ||
| I love what the comedy store is. | ||
| I love what it always has been. | ||
| I love how it's had this resurgence. | ||
| I love the fact that they don't let everybody in there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that great? | ||
| It is great. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are trying to get in there, and they're like, eh, we're good. | ||
| Yeah, and there's a lot of comics that you think are great comics. | ||
| Mitzi had a weird thing, like, she didn't pass Louie. | ||
| Like, that's crazy. | ||
| And then there was gatekeeper Tommy there for a while, who wouldn't pass, like, was holding a torch for Mitzi and what her, you know, when he had a weird thing with black eyes. | ||
| He was not the best dude. | ||
| But now this Adam Egan is coming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm being so polite. | |
| But then I love the fact that, like, me and you got to hang out at that back bar. | ||
| Like, they made that for us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was really fucking smart. | ||
| That's within the last two years. | ||
| They made this, if you guys don't know what we're talking about, they made this video room that was just a room in the back behind the kitchen. | ||
| And they said, the comics love hanging out here. | ||
| Let's create a special little back bar just for the comedians and their friends. | ||
| And we get to have conversations in there. | ||
| And you had some weird thing. | ||
| Somebody told me the other night when I was in there, like, fucking some chick was in here taking pictures. | ||
| No, she was filming. | ||
| Oh, yeah, you can't do that. | ||
| She was filming Santino and I having a conversation. | ||
| And Brian Redband caught her filming. | ||
| Yeah, you can't do that. | ||
| See, that's the place where you can't do that. | ||
| It's a private bar. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're not even supposed to be back there unless you're a comic. | ||
| Or a friend of a comic. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And that's great for us. | ||
| I enjoy talking to people as much, but sometimes it just gets overwhelming. | ||
| And also, I want to have a conversation With you or any of my friends. | ||
| A real one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A normal conversation where you can talk at length to somebody and you can't do that. | ||
| And it's like you're getting interrupted nonstop. | ||
| Just, again, happy to... | ||
| I'm still the type of guy after shows, I'll go out, say hello to everybody, talk, you know, and... | ||
| But when all my friends are around, that's one of the great parts about the Comedy Store. | ||
| And again, another part about the Comedy Store is that you have to get past. | ||
| You have to be a paid regular. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| It is also, there's a bunch of hot spots there where you get stuck. | ||
| Like, if you're trying to do your set, and you're leaving the back bar, and you're trying to get to the OR, and you're going through that hallway, you'll just get stuck by people with cameras. | ||
| They just want to take pictures. | ||
| They just wait. | ||
| They're just waiting like owls. | ||
| Ready to swoop down and snatch a rabbit. | ||
| They're just waiting, waiting, waiting. | ||
| There's Owl's Magical! | ||
| And they're just, Owl, can I get a picture? | ||
| Can I get a picture, Owl? | ||
| And you're like, I gotta do my set. | ||
| And you're like, literally walk outside, just real quick, just real quick! | ||
| Like, walking to the stairs, I've seen it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, fucking Christ. | ||
| But it really is when it's the... | ||
| The Comedy Cellar in New York and the Comedy Store in Los Angeles are the best comedy clubs in the country, and if you're a comedy fan listening to this, you've got to make the trip. | ||
| You really do, because it's worth it. | ||
| On Tuesday night, Wednesday night, Thursday night, you're going to see an amazing show that could be in a stadium. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, some of the lineups. | ||
| Like, you guys have a show there next Wednesday, All Things Comedy. | ||
| It's you, Burr, Kreischer. | ||
| Who else is on? | ||
| No, I'm actually not even on it because I'm going to go to Mexico. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| No, it's Burr. | ||
| And Bill. | ||
| And then, you know, a couple other ATC comics that you might see. | ||
| But the last one we did, you did. | ||
| And then Sarah Silverman was on it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it was you, Sarah Silverman, Eddie Pepitone, like this great mix. | ||
| I think Burr was on that one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're insane. | ||
| Yeah, it's a great, great place to hang out. | ||
| So I love that, and I love doing stand-up, and I love hanging out with my friends, and that's a huge part of it for me. | ||
| But you feel like you're distracting yourself with work. | ||
| I brought something. | ||
| You made a great point the other night, because we were talking about having an assistant. | ||
| You go, I don't want to be busy enough to have an assistant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't want to be that busy. | ||
| When I get to assistant level and I start thinking about assistant, you take it down. | ||
| Well, that's my manager. | ||
| They came up to me and they said, we think you should get an assistant. | ||
| I said, I'll definitely start doing less shit. | ||
| I go, let's just stop doing whatever I'm doing that I'm doing too much that I need an assistant. | ||
| Just stop. | ||
| And they're like, well, sometimes it's hard to get ahold of you. | ||
| I go, well, that's on purpose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, do you understand that? | ||
| It's like Bill Murray has a 1-800 number. | ||
| Does he? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you want to get a hold of Bill Murray, you get the 1-800 number, and then maybe he'll call you back. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| So people leave messages on the 1-800 number or something? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I mean, if you're calling about him being in a major motion picture, that's how you get a hold of Bill Murray. | ||
| Well, Bill Murray apparently checked out of relationships a few years ago. | ||
| He said, no more relationships. | ||
| I don't want a girlfriend. | ||
| I don't want a wife. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| He He has a kid, I guess, apparently. | ||
| He's got an older kid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Checked out, and he moved to, like, North Carolina or South Carolina, like one of those fucking places. | ||
| And Anthony Bourdain interviewed him on his show. | ||
| You know, he had him on his show, and he's like, what are you doing down here? | ||
| And he's like, I love it. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| The people are nice. | ||
| Yeah, and he also, for a while, was living in upstate New York, like up the Hudson. | ||
| He would live up there. | ||
| Same sort of deal. | ||
| Just... | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| I'm just gonna live in weird spots and by myself. | ||
| So that's another reason why I'm working my ass off is I want that I'm done fuck you money and I want to be able to chill out. | ||
| I got kids on the back end of this thing where they're almost out of the house. | ||
| I'm looking forward to that where they're both gonna be in college. | ||
| I'm trying to get these little fuckers ready for life to the point where they don't need to come back because you hear a lot of people are living in their homes with their parents until they're 30. And later? | ||
| What the fuck is that about? | ||
| Not acceptable. | ||
| I'm going to push you out the door. | ||
| I know someone who's 36. Not good. | ||
| Yeah, what? | ||
| Well, they're making life is too good, I guess. | ||
| Yeah, it's too easy. | ||
| Yeah, there's no... | ||
| I was listening to Dr. Drew talk about this on Howard Stern Wrap-Up Show, and he was saying, like, kids don't have grit. | ||
| Grit. | ||
| Fucking grit. | ||
| Associate Dr. Drew with grit. | ||
| Well, it's just, you know, he knows about, you know... | ||
| Hustle. | ||
| Hustle. | ||
| And he goes, my kids are coddled, but he thinks the only thing is the educational system. | ||
| Pushing education makes somebody work their ass off. | ||
| If you don't have that inner drive and a reason, like, you know, getting with me, and this was where also, you know, if you... | ||
| I don't see a therapist. | ||
| I probably should, because I got a lot of shit going on. | ||
| But fucking... | ||
| My mom was cleaning houses, making $6 an hour. | ||
| My dad, Teamster, warehouse foreman. | ||
| And they were poor growing up, lower middle class, and then went to the school. | ||
| He sent me to a school in San Francisco with all these rich kids. | ||
| So I was in all these rich houses, and houses in, if people know San Francisco, Pacific Heights is really nice, and sold it. | ||
| Now it's like fucking $12 million houses, and that's where we were hanging out. | ||
| Parents would abandon them on the weekends, and we'd have run of these fucking houses. | ||
| Just crazy. | ||
| Like, my buddy broke a $25,000 vase. | ||
| Like, let's get the fuck out of here. | ||
| What the hell are you going to make us pay for it? | ||
| And we were in all these... | ||
| I was, like, smoking some guy's Cubans, sitting in his chair. | ||
| And so I'm a kid from the Inner Sunset District who shouldn't be in all these places. | ||
| But I think that's what lit a fire under my ass because... | ||
| And I'm working for the... | ||
| My mom eventually has this great rags-to-riches story where... | ||
| She was working at this company, and then she became an account rep, and then she became the head account rep, then she became the vice president, then she bought the company and quadrupled the company in size. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And that's where I went to work for her, even though I wanted to be a stand-up comic. | ||
| I go to work for her. | ||
| I am firing people for a living, which is a whole other fucking thing. | ||
| I really was forced into this very tough... | ||
| My dad and my mom were very fucking brutal. | ||
| Half Mexican, half Sicilian. | ||
| That's what I am. | ||
| And then my mom, Sicilian, like just the youngest sister with all boys in the family. | ||
| Just a brutal lady who can't tell you how many times she said, like, fuck them! | ||
| Just fuck them. | ||
| Like, okay. | ||
| They're going to, you know, just a client giving her shit. | ||
| Like, no, no, no. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| And they don't appreciate me. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| It's like, so it was like that with us. | ||
| And then my dad, same thing. | ||
| They found each other for a reason because they both have that attitude. | ||
| And so I was working there and then I was supposed to be this eldest son taking over this family business. | ||
| So when I met you in 1999, You came up to my apartment, which was, in Telegraph Hill, it was a nice fucking apartment. | ||
| I'm like the opener with a great place. | ||
| And I lived, I had a wet bar. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Yeah, you had a cool spot. | ||
| Yeah, we smoked pot and watched old Oprah's. | ||
| Old Oprah's with, she had big hair. | ||
| Huge hair, no work done at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Just old Oprah. | ||
| And we were just baked watching fucking old Oprah. | ||
| I had even, like, I had just met my wife at that point. | ||
| And so, yes, it's 1999. And, um... | ||
| I was working a regular job. | ||
| So I would do shows on the weekend, host at Cobbs or the Punchline, and go right back to work. | ||
| And at one point, I think I remember the world started to collide, like I'm doing stand-up and I look out and everybody's laughing except like three dudes with their arms crossed. | ||
| I'm like, oh shit! | ||
| I fired those fucking guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| All the time. | ||
| Dudes that you fired were sitting in the audience upset at you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Started to make it into... | ||
| Did they go to see you? | ||
| No. | ||
| Nobody found me. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| They must have been fucking steaming. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just like, fuck that guy. | ||
| Everybody's laughing. | ||
| I'm having a good set and look at just one dude fucking scowling at me. | ||
| So... | ||
| How creepy was that? | ||
| Did it mind fuck you? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| No, but I had such a good attitude at that point. | ||
| I was like, hey, fellas. | ||
| How are ya? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| It's a little weird, huh? | ||
| Did you talk about it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Well, I definitely acknowledged them and said hello. | ||
| Like, I knew their names and... | ||
| But you didn't say, like, hey, I fired you guys. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That would have been hilarious. | ||
| I didn't round him talking to everybody in the entire room, which I probably would do now. | ||
| So, not experienced enough to handle it. | ||
| When I met you, how long had you been doing stand-up? | ||
| A year. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I just had my 19th anniversary was fucking on Tuesday. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| First, Tuesday in May, did my first set. | ||
| Went up in front of, like, half homeless people in San Francisco. | ||
| At Cobb's? | ||
| No. | ||
| At this place called The Luggage Store, which was on Market Street. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Just tenderloin. | ||
| Full tenderloin. | ||
| Walked up. | ||
| I worked with you the first time I did the Old Cobbs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That place was great. | ||
| We got matched up, because it was Tom Sawyer. | ||
| He would make matches of... | ||
| He really... | ||
| He would pride himself in creating lineups that people would go together. | ||
| Yeah, and let me just tell you something. | ||
| It worked once. | ||
| With you. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| All the other times were a fucking disaster. | ||
| I know, because I heard about it afterwards. | ||
| Even when I was up there, because I'd find him, I'm like, hey, what's up? | ||
| He's like, who the fuck is this guy? | ||
| You're just totally fucking... | ||
| Yeah, he put me with this fucking asshole. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He put me with some... | ||
| You know, there's some people that you think have potential and then they just don't. | ||
| You know, we've all... | ||
| We met guys like that. | ||
| I mean, there's a few guys that I could... | ||
| I wouldn't name them. | ||
| You used to come up with... | ||
| I opened for you. | ||
| It was Matty Kirsch. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And then Eddie Bravo fucking came up. | ||
| Well, he'd come to hang. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He wasn't... | |
| No, he wasn't doing any stand-up, but he was like totally come to hang. | ||
| And then... | ||
| I think it was down here that I met Brian, and then Brian started going around with you super early on. | ||
| That was when I moved down here in 2004. Ari and Duncan, but that was the new Cobbs. | ||
| That was once they started moving to the new spot. | ||
| In the old one, I think it was just Matt. | ||
| Yeah, Matty Kirsch. | ||
| Early days. | ||
| Matty Kirsch stopped doing stand-up for a long time. | ||
| I think he's done. | ||
| I think he just completely stopped. | ||
| He started doing TV stuff. | ||
| He stopped doing stand-up, then he went back to it again, but I never saw him. | ||
| I think he's done. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think you can dick around with that. | ||
| I was with... | ||
| Me and my buddies were watching Tim Allen come back. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And you know what I did? | ||
| What? | ||
| He was such a nice guy. | ||
| He watched my set and came up and said a bunch of stuff afterwards. | ||
| He was super cool to me. | ||
| And it was so rough watching that set. | ||
| He made all these Santa Claus movies and he made Home Improvement and all this shit. | ||
| And me and Kevin Christie sat in the balcony and I said, you know what? | ||
| Let's do something for this guy. | ||
| And we wrote him nine pages of jokes and fucking just handed them to him. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And he goes, thank you! | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| And then we came back the next night and he did a bunch of this shit and got an applause break on one of my picks. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| I felt so good. | ||
| That's so cool. | ||
| I saw him one night at the comedy store when he hadn't done stand-up in forever, and he came back, and he was doing a joke about his Ferrari breaking down. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of stuff people can relate to. | ||
| And I wanted to pull him aside and go, listen, man, don't do that. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Just don't do that. | ||
| I don't care if it's about a Ferrari breaking down. | ||
| Don't tell everybody you have a $250,000 car. | ||
| Well, that's a big George Carlin thing is that when he got so wealthy and he had people going to the post office for him, he's like, I can't do the post office bit now because I don't even go to the fucking post office and I can't talk about the bank because I never go to the bank for myself. | ||
| You gotta do all your own shit. | ||
| And you have to stay relatable. | ||
| It goes the other way, too. | ||
| I was in New York, and when I was out there, and a comic goes up, and he was like, he goes, you know when you do an angel dust? | ||
| And I'm like, nobody knows. | ||
| Nobody knows when you do an angel dust. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| But talk about a niche audience. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| So, you know, stand-up, like, Matt jumped out, and it's like, I don't think you can jump out. | ||
| Like, it's one of those things where... | ||
| Well, you can, but goddamn, you love it. | ||
| Like, Dana Gould jumped out for a long time and wrote for The Simpsons, and then came back. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| But, you know, arguably Dana Gould should have been a huge superstar as a stand-up comedian. | ||
| He was a San Francisco guy who was like, I listened to, if you guys know who that comic is, I mean, again, go find it because so good, so many voices, so many characters, so smart stories, like... | ||
| Well, I met him in Boston in 88. Holy shit. | ||
| And he was already big then. | ||
| Like, he was a headliner then. | ||
| And doing really well. | ||
| He was like Rodney Dangerfield young comedian special big, right? | ||
| He had a Showtime special. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| He had a Showtime special before I moved to LA. Because I remember watching it. | ||
| And it was really interesting. | ||
| It was like the way he did it was like kind of unique. | ||
| The way he shot it was unique. | ||
| And it was good. | ||
| It was really good. | ||
| And I was like, this guy is going to be giant. | ||
| And I figured it was going to be like, from there, HBO specials, from there, giant theaters, from there. | ||
| You know, he was going to go the Brian Regan route, you know, where he was selling out all over these places. | ||
| He married the woman who ended up becoming the president of HBO. That ain't good. | ||
| Can't do that. | ||
| Only, I have another thing. | ||
| One headshot per household. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Dude, if you see like two... | ||
| I think Tom Segura and Christina are the ones that can pull it off too. | ||
| The only ones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've not seen anyone else do this successfully. | ||
| And I'm still standing back like this on that one. | ||
| Like, well, okay, this might blow up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, totally. | |
| You got this? | ||
| You got it? | ||
| All right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Over here. | ||
| Well, there was a kid on The Daily Show that him and his wife auditioned for The Daily Show at the same time, and he got it, and she didn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Yep, super weird. | ||
| That must have been a fun time in that house. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| Not good at all. | ||
| Somebody starts becoming super popular and then the other person is like, oh, what do I do? | ||
| Do I pull a Matt Kirsch? | ||
| Do I jump out now or find other work? | ||
| And that's also been a difficult thing with me. | ||
| So back to what we were talking about, it's like, so now I leave this parent's family business and I come to L.A., I could have, again, I could have been up there and miserable, fucking with, you know, firing people nonstop and, like, taking on other people's problems. | ||
| Because that's what I did is, like, if you have a business or you work somewhere, we'd employ everybody working there so you didn't have to deal with any of the headaches. | ||
| But then I got all the headaches. | ||
| So I've been chased. | ||
| Like, I had a guy who was a Taiwanese, like, he was sick, this bad, he was working in a doctor's office, but on the weekends we found out he was pretending he was the doctor. | ||
| So he was seeing patients, booking his own patients, but he was a physical therapist in an orthopedist's office. | ||
| So I go in there, and I've been doing this a while. | ||
| And again, I've been in so many awkward situations. | ||
| Now I'm doing stand-up, and I'm even in more awkward situations, and I just go up, and I go, hey, Twan. | ||
| You know, jig is up. | ||
| I go, today's your last day. | ||
| We found out what you're doing. | ||
| He grabs me, puts me up against the wall. | ||
| He gets one of those physical therapy sticks. | ||
| You know, the big, like the pole that you use to stretch with behind your back and stuff. | ||
| And he has one of those cut in half. | ||
| And he sticks it right up to my throat. | ||
| And I'm cool. | ||
| And so I go, Twan, you got two choices here. | ||
| You're going to hit me with that stick. | ||
| And I'm going to call the cops. | ||
| And I'm going to press charges and you're going to go to jail. | ||
| Because I'm going to be pissed that you hit me with that fucking stick. | ||
| Or you can take the final check that's in my breast pocket right here and walk away. | ||
| What's it going to be? | ||
| And I'm held up against the wall by my throat with the fucking stick in my face. | ||
| And so I had some crazy situations. | ||
| What did you say to him? | ||
| You said the jig is up. | ||
| I know you're not a real doctor. | ||
| Yeah, I go, hey... | ||
|
unidentified
|
How you doing? | |
| You shouldn't be here right now. | ||
| What was his response? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, this is not true. | |
| He barely spoke English? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a physical therapist. | ||
| Was he banging chicks, too? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I would like it to be that way. | ||
| Yeah, he's just banging them. | ||
| Yeah, that's a better story if he is. | ||
| There's a way to heal you. | ||
| It's to your vagina. | ||
| Use my cock. | ||
| So I had Russian nurses running from me and just crazy stories. | ||
| What were they trying to do to you? | ||
| Well, this Russian nurse was in an allergist's office and she was giving wrong doses to the kids and stuff of shots. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| So I had all my documentation, like these yellow pads I go. | ||
| There's, you can see right here, I'm 22 years old. | ||
| You can see right here that she tries to grab it. | ||
| Now it's a tug of war across a desk and I don't know what the fuck is going on. | ||
| And she takes off and runs down a hallway. | ||
| And I'm 22, and I go, shit! | ||
| And I fucking run down the hallway after her, and she goes into a patient room, and then she locks the door, and then I get the door open, and she's in there, and she's talking to her husband on the phone, and she goes, Andrew, there is a man here who's telling me lies. | ||
| He's telling me lies, Andrew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I didn't want to tell you this, but I am pregnant. | |
| And I'm going to lose the baby because of this man. | ||
| Like that, I'm going... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| Freaking out. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So, I had to teach a bunch of Vietnamese people how to shit. | ||
| There was one day I got a call. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait. | |
| Yeah? | ||
| Wait. | ||
| I got a call from this guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What was the issue? | |
| Well, they were humungs. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You know, humung is like this. | ||
| If you saw Gran Torino, that movie with Clint Eastwood. | ||
| I think the H is silent. | ||
| I think they're just called humungs. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| The H-M-O-U-N-G? Yeah. | ||
| And then there are people without a land. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they all came to San Jose, California to work in assembly plants. | ||
| So they're in this cable assembly plant called Cable Co. | ||
| That was a big client of ours. | ||
| And I got a call from this really cool guy. | ||
| His name was Chip. | ||
| Chip Bronk. | ||
| And he goes, Al, you got to get down here. | ||
| You're not going to fucking believe it. | ||
| And I got a situation. | ||
| And I go, what is it? | ||
| And he goes, better you see. | ||
| And I go into the bathroom, shit everywhere. | ||
| What? | ||
| Because they had never been used to toilets. | ||
| So they were standing on the toilet seats. | ||
| I found out that's what was going on. | ||
| They all had fake names. | ||
| Like, the name is Fook Lee, but you can call me Keith. | ||
| And shit like that. | ||
| So I was like, hey Keith, Fook Lee, can you come here for a second? | ||
| Can I talk to you about this? | ||
| So where was the shit? | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| Like on the ground? | ||
| Yeah, they were missing! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because the toilet seat is not meant to fucking hold you up. | |
| So they're waddling up there. | ||
| So they were standing on the toilet seat. | ||
| Standing on the toilet seat. | ||
| So they were just used to, like, shitting in holes? | ||
| They're shitting in holes. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| If they're lucky, you know, in the woods or whatever. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
| If they're lucky. | ||
| If they're not lucky, what, they hold it forever? | ||
| Yeah, just backed up. | ||
| It becomes a brick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, um... | ||
| Anyway, I gathered everybody around. | ||
| I just appointed a bathroom monitor. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| A bathroom monitor? | ||
| So I had one of the guys who was a supervisor. | ||
| I had a clipboard. | ||
| I put a lock on the bathroom door. | ||
| So you become this corporate fixer. | ||
| That's what I was doing. | ||
| And I always wanted to do stand-up comedy. | ||
| I love stand-up comedy. | ||
| I grew up in the city with just listening to comedians on the radio and all the great comics. | ||
| There were two comics who lived on my block. | ||
| Who lived on your block? | ||
| Mike Pritchard and Michael Meehan. | ||
| Two great comics. | ||
| Mike Pritchard won the first San Francisco comedy competition and Robin Williams looked up to him. | ||
| He was like Robin Williams. | ||
| That was his idol. | ||
| And he was on my block. | ||
| And you know Monty Hoffman? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Monty Hoffman. | ||
| I would be eight years old on my bike and I'd ride down the block and Monty Hoffman and Mike Pritchard used to put their t-shirts over their heads. | ||
| You know how you can do it? | ||
| Like just the face pops out of the hole. | ||
| And they used to pretend they were the California raising guys. | ||
| I was like, you guys are hilarious. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| They lived on your block? | ||
| On my block. | ||
| And I remember... | ||
| Where's Pritchard now? | ||
| I think he's a motivational speaker still up in the Bay Area. | ||
| He lives in Marin. | ||
| He came to the last night at Cobb's Comedy Club in that little spot. | ||
| Why? | ||
| He stopped doing stand-up? | ||
| He just speaks. | ||
| Wow, weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, well, you know, that's another tempting thing for me, too, is because I do a ton of corporate stand-up. | ||
| You can get paid, you know, five figures to... | ||
| deep five figures to speak at 3.30 p.m. | ||
| and do stand-up at a thing... | ||
| And, you know, if your stand-up career, like, you're in a good, amazing spot because people come to see you. | ||
| Like I'm still at the stage where I go out and 40% of the people there come to see me and it's a weird cross-section of people who love stand-up or you know heard me you know heard me on Burt's podcast or your podcast you know whatever and then it's a weird cross-section of daily show people and then sitcom people and then you know what I mean it's like this weird crowd coming together and And then it's people who like comedy. | ||
| It's that Stanhope bit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| How many people came here to see me? | ||
| And how many people came here to see comedy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's like music isn't like that. | ||
| And so for me to do a corporate gig and get paid a gazillion, you know, like a lot of money is fucking tempting to switch over to that side. | ||
| So I could see why people do that. | ||
| That's what Jay Leno did. | ||
| He just gets paid 250 grand. | ||
| That's why he doesn't put out any content. | ||
| Jay Leno doesn't have- So he can do the same act. | ||
| He has no body of work. | ||
| He had a Showtime special that he did that I saw in the 90s, and I'm pretty sure, other than his Tonight Show monologues, which of course is numerous, I think that's the last stand-up that he ever put out as far as a full act. | ||
| Talk to him about it. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a weird philosophy about it. | ||
| I did randomly got a phone call to present him with his Mark Twain award at the Kennedy Center. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| It was me, fucking Seinfeld. | ||
| Jimmy Fallon, Seth Meyers, like crazy people, you know, Wanda Sykes, you know, I had no business being there, Chelsea Handler, whatever, just like all stars, and I'd never met them before. | ||
| And I think they just wanted to color it up. | ||
| But I'm going to say yes, because it's fucking Kennedy Center and super, super cool. | ||
| And I go there, and I meet them for the first time. | ||
| And then my act was like, what are you doing? | ||
| Like, you have $250 million or something like that, and you steal every Sunday. | ||
| You go to the Comedy Magic Club. | ||
| You don't turn over your act. | ||
| You get separate comedy money and TV money and this car collection. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| What? | ||
| Just chill out, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I go, you give me fucking $4 million. | ||
| You never see me again. | ||
| And he goes, sold! | ||
| I got it from the balcony. | ||
| And then we had a long conversation about it afterwards, which was super weird. | ||
| And talked about that exact same thing that you just discussed, is that he has an act that he wants to keep doing. | ||
| And if it never appears on TV, you gotta go see him to see it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But people get mad when they see him twice. | ||
| Oh, yeah! | ||
| Like, he was in Edmonton, he did the River Cree, and then he did it again a year later, and he did the same act. | ||
| And the people there were mad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, that's just... | |
| I mean, for those old school guys, that's how you did it. | ||
| I mean, it's not... | ||
| No knock against him. | ||
| That's how everybody did it. | ||
| Catskills guys and vaudeville guys. | ||
| All those guys would do the same act for 10 years. | ||
| And it was... | ||
| Also, you could do other people's acts. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just did. | ||
| They did that. | ||
| You know, there was no social media. | ||
| When the... | ||
| Abbott and Costello did Who's On First on TV. 20 other guys were pissed because they also did that exact same bit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're like, thanks a lot, fellas. | ||
| I could never fucking do that thing again. | ||
| So Who's On First wasn't an Abbott and Costello original? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| There were fucking 20 other duets doing that exact same fucking material. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So now it's completely... | ||
| So Jay Leno, of course, is carrying that... | ||
| You're pissed. | ||
| When I started in San Francisco, there was this great guy, Jimmy Cornette, who ran the punchline. | ||
| We were talking about other people coming through and not changing their act. | ||
| And he goes, dude, you need a new 20 minutes at least every time you come through here. | ||
| People are going to be pissed. | ||
| They want to see the hits. | ||
| And that's what Bobby Slayton would say. | ||
| When you go see The Stones, you want to see Brown Sugar. | ||
| But you got to mix in some fucking new shit every once in a while, too. | ||
| With comics, I feel like they less want to see the hits more than anything. | ||
| Like, with music, like, they actually just want to see the hits. | ||
| Like, if you go to see The Stones, they don't want to hear any new Stone shit. | ||
| New stuff. | ||
| I thought that. | ||
| Yeah, I want satisfaction. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But if you go to see Burr, you want to see all his new stuff. | ||
| Yeah, you're familiar with his stuff. | ||
| If you saw his last Netflix special. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's interesting. | ||
| But it keeps you creative. | ||
| It keeps you fresh. | ||
| You have to constantly be hustling. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why I say when I saw you the other night when you did that ATC show, you had that fucking no vagina bit. | ||
| It was just fucking good. | ||
| Thanks, man. | ||
| Because again, and that's another thing, it's like you grow up in San Francisco and you become, like you see guys coming through. | ||
| And I watched, I went to see everybody. | ||
| So I lived in between Cobbs and the Punchline. | ||
| And that's where I did, you know, Outliers, 10,000 Hours. | ||
| I walked to the Cobbs. | ||
| I did this for maybe 13 months straight almost every single night. | ||
| I walked to cops, then I'd walk to the punchline. | ||
| And I saw every single act. | ||
| I saw Damon Wayans, Carlos Mencia, Scott, you know, from the kids in the hall, what's his face, Scott Thompson. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just anybody would come through, I'd go see. | ||
| I could see every single night. | ||
| And I watched the good ones, and I took something from everybody. | ||
| But then I started to watch people come through a second time and not change anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I stopped to watch features that were better than the headliner and the feature, you know, the conversation over in the corner and fucking just watching it all. | ||
| And again, you see what people are doing and how much work people put into this. | ||
| It's a tremendous amount of work. | ||
| But to do the bits also, and that's another thing, it's like San Francisco, they wouldn't put hacky comics up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They wouldn't get to play there. | ||
| Sawyer wouldn't fucking work yet. | ||
| You just would. | ||
| For good reason. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I really appreciate that about him. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why I was willing to go back to his club so many times. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, again, that's when you come to LA and you're like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| There's some of that. | ||
| Like what we were talking about, we don't need to name any names with that one person who just memorizes a bunch of shit and says it fast. | ||
| And then you're like, okay, what are you doing? | ||
| You're ruining the night. | ||
| There's a lot of tricks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, tricks. | ||
| You're saying a bunch of pop culture references and a bunch of shit, but there's no like... | ||
| It's so hard to be judgmental about someone else's craft or art, but there's times when you know whether someone or not is actually trying to work something out or whether they're trying to trick the audience. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So there's a bunch of stuff, you guys, that you can do to elicit laughter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You can memorize a huge string. | ||
| It's called, yeah, it's a string where you can just fucking rattle some bunch off. | ||
| And you get done, and then they applaud. | ||
| Oh, my God, a big applause break. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you hear what I did? | |
| Did I tell you what I did after that? | ||
| I'm fucking such an asshole sometimes. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I don't want to be like this, you guys. | ||
| I just want to read Jack Reacher on my deck and fucking chill out. | ||
| And I bought that FJ-62 Land Cruiser. | ||
| And I want to fucking just... | ||
| I want to get a little trailer behind that. | ||
| I want to go to Big Sur with my wife. | ||
| Just go chill out by the ocean. | ||
| Just chill out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want to be that guy. | ||
| But you're not. | ||
| But I'm not. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| I really want to be... | ||
| Anyway, I followed that one comic we're talking about. | ||
| And I walked out and I go, how about it? | ||
| I go, name. | ||
| I go, what was that last applause break all about? | ||
| Did she offer to donate some money to charity? | ||
| No reason. | ||
| I shouldn't have done it. | ||
| You shouldn't talk shit. | ||
| The only time you should talk shit is when someone's doing something I mean, we've all been there before where you see someone go up and you go, okay, that's not even your act. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Less now than ever before. | ||
| Don't you think this is like the cleanest time for comedy as far as like... | ||
| You still hear little stories pop up here and there, but I think it's also now it's like subjective and there's a lot, there's so much stand-up. | ||
| I was thinking like I have this hour special coming out and This weekend on Showtime. | ||
| And I was talking to somebody about it. | ||
| And there's a special coming out like every fucking two days. | ||
| Yeah, they're not that special anymore. | ||
| They're not. | ||
| But it's a great time for content. | ||
| Like if you want to see comedy. | ||
| Like you go on Netflix or Showtime or CISO or any of these different providers. | ||
| Dude, CISO. That Stan Hope special. | ||
| And I watched the... | ||
| And mentioned this. | ||
| I go... | ||
| The Doug Stanhope special on CISO, if you have not seen this, I feel like it's one of the best things I've ever seen. | ||
| And I walked in to the comedy club and I saw Punchline for the very first time. | ||
| And I saw Arge Barker on stage kill. | ||
| He's a great comic. | ||
| He's just fucking murdered. | ||
| And I had the same feeling... | ||
| When I watched that Doug Stanhope special. | ||
| I haven't seen it. | ||
| I need to see it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| The bits just... | ||
| Again, and it's like next level shit that I hope people can really appreciate the callbacks and the intricacies of this whole thing and the story and somebody who's working on something and saying something. | ||
| Well, Doug did two of them in his hometown. | ||
| He did them both in Bisbee, right? | ||
| Yeah, this is one that was shot in Bisbee by Hennigan. | ||
| I just love the fact that he's doing that. | ||
| We talked about it a couple of years ago. | ||
| It was, I can't work in my town. | ||
| I've got to fucking see these people at the Safeway. | ||
| And then apparently he just said, fuck it. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Why can't I do it in my town? | ||
| And then eventually his town stopped being the town it was, and there's a bunch of people who move there because they know Doug lives there. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| First of all, he's a real estate mogul. | ||
| Every house that comes up, they're all like $30,000. | ||
| He just buys it. | ||
| He's just buying houses. | ||
| So he owns like, I think he owns six or seven houses in town. | ||
| This is turning into a Jack Reacher novel where he's going to own the town. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| If I got divorced, I'd seriously consider moving there. | ||
| There's already a house I'm looking at. | ||
| It's a cave. | ||
| No way. | ||
| A house in a cave? | ||
| Yeah, it's built into a cave. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Now I can't buy it because people know. | ||
| They show up at my door and, dude, let's do DMT. Let me in your cave. | ||
| But he... | ||
| So many people moved to... | ||
| He used to give out his address and say, come to my Super Bowl party. | ||
| So people would come from all over the world to his fucking Super Bowl party. | ||
| And it was ridiculous. | ||
| It'd be 500 people that he didn't know at his house for his Super Bowl party. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| So he stopped doing that. | ||
| He rescinded that invitation. | ||
| That's what me and Bert were talking about is doing... | ||
| A thing called a caravan comedy tour. | ||
| And getting a bunch of RVs or trucks and trailers. | ||
| And just going. | ||
| A bunch of guys. | ||
| Because also it's like... | ||
| It's a special kind of comic. | ||
| And you're one of those comics. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| You have kids. | ||
| You have a family. | ||
| You have life. | ||
| You have stuff outside of stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| It's like... | ||
| To get those guys together, and Bert is one of those, you know, where it's like you have a couple kids, and like get the kids and the wives. | ||
| It takes a lot to be a comedian wife. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they all have that in common. | ||
| So I'm sure everyone will get along great, because they have to deal with fucking us. | ||
| And so the wives and the kids, everybody in an RV, and then we all go out and do shows. | ||
| And then everybody gets to go to the Grand Canyon the next day. | ||
| It's not a bad idea. | ||
| It's not a bad idea. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| I'm in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's do it. | |
| I think Duncan, we talked about... | ||
| Duncan? | ||
| He doesn't have any kids. | ||
| I know, but... | ||
| He's got a dog. | ||
| He'll still be fun on the road. | ||
| They're looking at RVs. | ||
| Yeah, he'll be great on the road. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a great idea, man. | ||
| You know, I just wanted an excuse to buy one of those Airstreams. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| I just think they look badass. | ||
| You can pull it behind your FJ62. Oh, my God. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Don't think I haven't been... | ||
| I got business cards. | ||
| I'm looking at... | ||
| There's a place called Off The Grid Rentals. | ||
| And just to test out. | ||
| But it's too small. | ||
| It's like this teardrop. | ||
| It's a 4x4 teardrop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I've seen those. | |
| And you can put a rooftop tent on top and it has a ladder that goes up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I could just have everybody... | ||
| I'm thinking I want a little bit more. | ||
| A real one. | ||
| Well, I've been going to... | ||
| The difference is Sportsmobile. | ||
| If you go to sportsmobile.com, which is fucking... | ||
| They've been doing it for a long time. | ||
| But you can get one of those Dodge Sprinter vans, a diesel, like, tricked out. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And get that 4x4'd out and just go. | ||
| And then you can still Well, there's this company called, fuck, what is this company called? | ||
| There's an expedition vehicle that they take, and they take like a Ford F-250, and then they put this thing on top of the roof, like above the front cab. | ||
| It goes up and then back, and the whole thing. | ||
| It's got solar power and a generator, and you can live in those fucking things. | ||
| It's like there's the rock climber guys. | ||
| Look at that fucking thing. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Oh my god, I'm in love. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't that awesome? | |
| Look at a rooftop tent. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they do that too. | ||
| They take vans, and there's a company called U-Joint Off-Road. | ||
| They take a van like that, they remove the natural suspension, or the suspension that comes with it, and put a full-on, dual, solid axle, four-wheel drive suspension set up in it, and you could just drive that motherfucker. | ||
| Go to sportsmobile.com and take a look at this now, because this is what they used to do, and they're still doing with some of these. | ||
| The vans will do this with Chevy vans. | ||
| Wow, that looks amazing. | ||
| But if you look at what they're doing with the Mercedes and the Dodge Sprinter, that's when it just goes up to a whole other level. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Their sight is downsized. | |
| Oh, their sight's downsized? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, but you can see some of them. | ||
| Yeah, look at it. | ||
| It's fucking... | ||
| I like. | ||
| I like. | ||
| I have those same ideas. | ||
| But I do go on these trips for hunting where I go out, you know, I'm in the woods five, six days at a time, and most of the time there's no cell phone service. | ||
| I just did Bourdain with the crew that you guys shot with in Montana. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, what'd you do? | ||
| I did his, uh, no reservations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, it's called, um... | ||
| What is it called now? | ||
| Parts Unknown? | ||
| Parts Unknown. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where'd you go? | ||
| What'd you do with it? | ||
| It was Mexican food down on Oliveira Street. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Yeah, we went bird hunting in Montana. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It was interesting. | ||
| That guy still goes hard. | ||
| Hard. | ||
| Like, wham! | ||
| Throwing them back. | ||
| We got so high. | ||
| I could feel the earth spinning. | ||
| Well, he had just come from... | ||
| He was super late. | ||
| I got drunk. | ||
| If you watch this, parts of note, I'm fucking wasted. | ||
| Because I really am. | ||
| People are like, why is El Madrigal's eyes closed? | ||
| I'm super drunk. | ||
| He was four hours late, and I just went to bars with that crew. | ||
| While we were waiting for him, because he got a tattoo. | ||
| And then he showed up super late, and then we ate taquitos. | ||
| And by the time we got there, I was just trashed. | ||
| I'm the biggest lightweight of all time. | ||
| It really is true. | ||
| I did a show with you at the Comedy Magic Club. | ||
| We walked around the corner and got baked with Red Band. | ||
| And then I went back in, and I had to apologize to your audience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go, I'm so happy. | |
| I just don't understand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've been so busy I haven't been able to get baked like I used to and it just fucking snuck up on me. | |
| I don't know what the fuck is going on. | ||
| We can sneak up on you easy today. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And people are productive. | ||
| Doug Benson is a productive motherfucker. | ||
| He gets a lot done. | ||
| I can't speak. | ||
| I'll just leave that there. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Yeah, I get it. | ||
| I mean, some people are much more comfortable like Joey. | ||
| Joey Diaz is constantly in that state. | ||
| I saw him... | ||
| I don't know if it was... | ||
| Who sent me a picture of it? | ||
| If it was... | ||
| Somebody showed me something that he was in. | ||
| One of those big gummy bears? | ||
| Dude. | ||
| That has 3,000... | ||
| Yeah, 3,000 milligrams. | ||
| Milligrams of THC in that thing. | ||
| And he'd like chomped the head off. | ||
| He does that all the time. | ||
| He stopped doing that, though, by the way. | ||
| Joey backed off the edibles. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See, that's all I do. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I've been waking up. | ||
| I just went to the doctor. | ||
| I had a little bit of health scare, and this is two days ago, because I've been waking up in the middle of the night out of breath. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, you probably have sleep apnea. | ||
| That, or I got a sleep study that's being done, and then they're saying I have anxiety. | ||
| We definitely have anxiety. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of it. | ||
| You ever thought about doing like yoga or anything? | ||
| I try to go to the gym. | ||
| I go to the gym like every morning, but I don't like I need to meditate and People have talked to me about Transcendental Meditation and stuff like that that I need to settle the fuck down Yeah, but you know that you have this thing and you're not doing anything. | ||
| I'm not doing anything about it and the doctor said that this is good that now you're finally being compelled to talk about it with somebody that this is a problem and you feel like you're angry at yourself for being so anxious. | ||
| Because if I go to the airport with my wife and kids, I can feel it. | ||
| Feel the anxiety? | ||
| I feel myself freaking the fuck out. | ||
| Out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What's the thought? | ||
| What are you worried about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We gotta get through and everybody's slowing us down. | |
| I go early. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's what I started doing. | ||
| That's why I'm trying to prepare myself for this. | ||
| It's so huge. | ||
| Just leave an hour earlier than you need to and you don't worry about shit. | ||
| I give myself plenty of time. | ||
| And I still look at my wife and I'm like, And the last couple times, like, I'm doing pretty good. | ||
| I'm doing it. | ||
| I'm working on it. | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| It seems like maybe you were set up for this from, like, your early career. | ||
| Like, this, like, tension. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And then the desire for success, like, to be a successful comic is a lot of hustling, and there's a lot of, like, you gotta fucking, you gotta be on your point. | ||
| You gotta be on your game. | ||
| Can't fuck around. | ||
| Can't fuck around. | ||
| Yeah, go, go, go. | ||
| And now with ATC, again, I feel so much responsibility for all these comics. | ||
| We have 50 podcasts. | ||
| We have 50... | ||
| Trimmed that thing down for sure. | ||
| I tried. | ||
| That's another thing where you've got to make some tough calls. | ||
| I did. | ||
| 20% at least, right? | ||
| Everybody is like... | ||
| Okay, here's a perfect fucking example. | ||
| Ian Edwards has a podcast called Soccer Comic. | ||
| I'm not going to... | ||
| I love Ian Edwards to death, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's on that network. | ||
| I don't care if four people listen to that fucking show. | ||
| He's on that network. | ||
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| Yeah, I feel the same way. | ||
| And so I don't care about the numbers as much as I believe in the comics. | ||
| There's two comedians, Michael Kosta and Chris Fairbanks, that I want to start making TV. They're not on TV. Kosta's a funny dude, too. | ||
| Kosta's a funny motherfucker. | ||
| And I have a great story with Kosta. | ||
| This is how we met. | ||
| Me and Bill, Burr first comes to Comedy Store, sees me, we become friendly, then sees me on stage, did some bit about how my wife's half Korean, half Greek, and I go, this Korean mother-in-law, and I don't do any jokes about her because then I'd be doing Margaret Cho's act in Who Wants That? | ||
| Shithead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He loves it. | |
| That's fucking hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good point. | |
| So, we go. | ||
| Now, I'm at the point in LA, you guys. | ||
| I'm doing spots. | ||
| I'm not doing anything else. | ||
| And so, I'm working on these TV shows as much as I can. | ||
| But when I'm not, I'm at the comedy store, two sets. | ||
| Then I go to the laugh factory. | ||
| Then I go to the improv. | ||
| I'm doing that triangle. | ||
| And I'm hitting them all. | ||
| And I'll hit the guy's house. | ||
| Like, I'm going everywhere. | ||
| I'm a guy who's doing like 12 sets a week. | ||
| And this is from 2004 until I get The Daily Show pretty much. | ||
| Like, this is a good solid six or seven years of just fucking going. | ||
| And then I go to the improv. | ||
| And Bill, again, knew. | ||
| I go, let's go to the improv. | ||
| Let's fucking go down there. | ||
| And so he jumps in my car. | ||
| We drive down the improv. | ||
| It's a show that they're doing. | ||
| Where they show a sketch comedy video and then they bring up a stand-up. | ||
| And then they show a sketch comedy video and a stand-up. | ||
| And Mike Costa is the host. | ||
| So I go up in between these sets and I look at them and I go, Hey, do you know if they're going to show another video or are they going to bring me up? | ||
| And then he responds. | ||
| I forget what he says. | ||
| But then he goes up on stage. | ||
| And he goes, Okay, this next comedian... | ||
| I guess it's Al Madrigai. | ||
| If you want me to pronounce your name right, you've got to come introduce yourself to me before the set. | ||
| I can't be expected to... | ||
| I don't know if it's a guy or a girl, and I'm on the side losing it. | ||
| And I go, fuck you! | ||
| And he goes, what? | ||
| And I go, you heard me. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| This is a room full of, it's Asian night or something. | ||
| Like, there's all these Chinese people there. | ||
| And so I go, everybody turns. | ||
| And I go, you heard me. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| I go, do your job. | ||
| I introduce myself to you. | ||
| Like, just get the fuck off stage. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And I go, what the... | ||
| Because he's like, I don't know if it's a guy or a girl. | ||
| Who are you? | ||
| I go, dude, you're the fucking host. | ||
| Figure it out. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Asshole. | ||
| So I walk up and I proceed to just lay into him. | ||
| Just fucking 15 minutes are about, I don't know if it's a guy or a girl. | ||
| I go, you're the host. | ||
| You have one fucking job. | ||
| The deal, Bill's hunched over laughing on this side. | ||
| All the comics in the back are just, there's tables in the back are on the floor. | ||
| And it was a fucking Asian night. | ||
| This is the worst crowd I've ever fucking seen. | ||
| Just going crazy. | ||
| And I can't help it. | ||
| Again. | ||
| If anyone's listening, like, this guy's an asshole. | ||
| I don't want to be... | ||
| I don't want to do that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It just came out. | ||
| It's compelled. | ||
| Uncontrollable fucking burst of fucking telling people to fuck off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Asshole. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cuntiness. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And... | ||
| I could've gone, I'm right here! | ||
| Sorry about that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Magical! | ||
| My name's Magical. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My name's Magical. | |
| No problem. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Just bring me up, yeah. | ||
| But that puts you in a bad position. | ||
| You go up there, like, sort of... | ||
| Yeah, like, they can't... | ||
| Submitting. | ||
| Yeah, so Willie Barsena had those stories about, like, head-butting somebody in the hallway because they brought up Charles Fleischer instead of him, you know? | ||
| Well, Willie's crazy. | ||
| Well, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's a whole other thing. | ||
| Like, I think I told that story last time I was on this podcast, where I told him to fuck off. | ||
| And he's an East L.A. street fighter. | ||
| So, yeah, it doesn't matter. | ||
| When I see red, I fucking start telling everybody, fuck you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So, anyway, me and Mike Costa, very good friends. | ||
| To this day, I came up. | ||
| I see the air in my ways right away, and I apologize. | ||
| I go, dude, I'm so sorry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I can't control it. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I say crazy shit to people. | ||
| And so, again. | ||
| Well, you and I have never had a weirdness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| We've never had a weird moment. | ||
| We're always cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It happens with very few people. | |
| But when it doesn't... | ||
| When you feel slighted. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I've never slighted you. | ||
| Zero. | ||
| And if, you know, no. | ||
| You haven't. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But, yeah, I don't know. | ||
| Again, I want to just fucking sit on a chair. | ||
| Yeah, I know that feeling, though. | ||
| There's a feeling, especially like the anxiety before you're performing, you're ready to go, and then you feel like someone's fucking with you, and you're like, oh, okay. | ||
| I've had that happen before, where a host will purposely say some dicky things about you, thinking they're going to chop down your set. | ||
| I've done the same thing. | ||
| I just go after them. | ||
| A hundred percent. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because Brendan Schaub told me his story. | ||
| Because, you know, he's a big guy. | ||
| He's new to stand-up. | ||
| He's new to stand-up. | ||
| And somebody went up on stage at the Improv and he said, who the fuck is that guy? | ||
| Like, you can't be that handsome. | ||
| And fucking started just tearing into him for being... | ||
| Being a fighter, too. | ||
| Yeah, this is not for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that was Eric Griffin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was it? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He was just fucking around. | ||
| I mean, it was just like, that's what you say. | ||
| You know, the guy goes up and he does stand up and he's got this perfect haircut. | ||
| And you're like, hey, fuck you. | ||
| You know, Eric goes up with his spare tire around his waist and, you know, he's a big jolly guy. | ||
| Like, get the fuck out of here with this. | ||
| Fatty with glasses and a mustache. | ||
| I have the same thing. | ||
| He's got a great mustache, though. | ||
| He looks like he puts on the glasses and mustache together in one piece. | ||
| He does! | ||
| He does! | ||
| It's like, yeah. | ||
| But when he was doing that, I was trying to tell Brendan, I go, dude, that's what we do. | ||
| I go, you gotta understand that. | ||
| Like, you go up, you do your set, the guy's gonna shit on you. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's like, I would've shit on you too, probably. | ||
| Especially New York, same thing. | ||
| Oh, more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Way more. | |
| In New York, if you don't do two or three minutes of what's going on in the room and what just happened, you're gonna have a shitty set. | ||
| Like, that's what I learned right away. | ||
| You had to be like... | ||
| You know, start if I can hold everyone's attention and just start launching into material. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| To comment on what's happening. | ||
| Well, you know what that is from? | ||
| I noticed that, too, when I lived in New York. | ||
| I was like, it's because the crowds are small and the stage is small. | ||
| It's a way more intimate experience. | ||
| It's like the belly room. | ||
| You know, the belly room is a totally different experience than the OR, which is a totally different experience than the main room. | ||
| It's one of the beautiful things about doing the hat trick at the comedy store. | ||
| If you do all three rooms in a night, you get to feel the different, like, the belly room is so much more intimate and so much more intense because there's only 70 people in the room. | ||
| And they're jammed in there. | ||
| And they're right in front of you. | ||
| And that's like a New York room. | ||
| So I'm doing that show on Showtime about stand-up comedy. | ||
| I'm dying up here. | ||
| You get to meet that guy in the back that's helping me. | ||
| He's making that show. | ||
| And we were talking about The Belly Room and interviewing people about that just to figure it out. | ||
| And that used to be... | ||
| It was called The Belly Room because it was for women. | ||
| And then, like a pregnant woman, you know? | ||
| Like a womb. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's like Mitzi literally thought of it as a comedy womb. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they used to put overflow. | ||
| So if Richard Pryor or somebody huge was in the main room, they put all the overflow up in the belly room. | ||
| And then a comic would be on stage, and they'd come in, if like a table opened up, they'd go, mid-act. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thompson, party of four. | |
| Like, you're doing stand-up on stage, you know, a waitress would come in and go, the Thompson's here, and then the Thompson's are sitting in the front, and they just get up and walk out. | ||
| And go to see Richard Pryor in the main room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, totally. | |
| Wow. | ||
| So that place, you know, and then I work on that with Eric Griffin. | ||
| So I didn't really know him that well before, and hilarious. | ||
| Just fucking fucks with people non-stop. | ||
| So of course he was the guy that said that shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| But he's a great dude. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| He's not doing it because he's an asshole. | ||
| He's just being silly. | ||
| And that's what I was trying to tell Brendan. | ||
| He's like, you went at me hard, bro. | ||
| And I'm like, that's what we do. | ||
| Like, Brendan's new to this whole world, you know, because he started out doing podcasts. | ||
| He's a funny guy. | ||
| And then he started doing these live podcasts with Callan. | ||
| And they would do... | ||
| Sort of like a little sketch routine, like a comedy routine, and then he would do a few minutes on his own, just doing kind of stand-up, like telling his story. | ||
| And he's funny. | ||
| He has some funny ideas. | ||
| So now he's doing sets, like on a regular basis. | ||
| And then he's doing sets in front of people who don't know him, which is the right way to do it. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| One of the bad things that people do is they only do their own crowd over and over and over again. | ||
| Not smart. | ||
| You gotta go out and do those shows that I was saying, like, when you start doing stand-up comedy, you invite all your friends out, and it takes you three sets to figure out, oh, shit, I better stop inviting my friends out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just do it. | ||
| Well, not only that, but if you invite your friends out, and they're a significant part of the audience, they've already seen your jokes. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It goes bad right away. | ||
| And you're like, oh, I want to make strangers laugh. | ||
| I want to make a complete stranger's life. | ||
| And if I can do that, it just makes you a better comic. | ||
| I got a bunch of shit, and we were talking about this before. | ||
| I got a bunch of shit for fucking heckling Steve-O. Did you heckle him in the audience? | ||
| At the improv. | ||
| I was on stage. | ||
| I told a story. | ||
| I said, again, I don't want to be this guy. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| You don't understand. | ||
| It is a problem, and I'm trying to... | ||
| I'm going to go to a cognitive behavioral... | ||
| That's what the doctor prescribed me. | ||
| He's a cognitive behavioral specialist that's going to stop me from doing shit like this. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I said... | ||
| I don't feel that bad about this. | ||
| I said... | ||
| He was in the audience, and I said... | ||
| I go, I don't want to care about stand-up this much. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| I'm so passionate about this. | ||
| You guys don't fucking understand. | ||
| Like, so-and-so stole this joke and stole that joke. | ||
| And I go, I just got to come to grips with the fact that what I feel like is my life's calling is somebody else's last resort. | ||
| And then, because I talk about like Dustin Diamond does stand-up, I go fucking, you know, Skippy from Family Times does stand-up, like, and then... | ||
| People don't even know what that is anymore. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Does he still do it? | ||
| Skippy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Dustin Diamond was in jail. | ||
| Oh, he stabbed somebody. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Skippy was doing stand-up, like, when Family Ties sort of ended, he was doing stand-up... | ||
| When I was an open-miker, I was just starting out, and he was headlining these places, and he had this big smile, Skippy from Family Ties, and he just would go on the road. | ||
| But I never heard from him again. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to hear what that guy's doing. | ||
| At some point, the audience just goes away, and then people stop booking you, and then you have to go away, I guess. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I guess, hopefully you invested your money properly, and then you bought some real estate. | ||
| Skippy? | ||
| Skippy's just a real estate baron. | ||
| You know who talks me down and has... | ||
| Callan has talked me down a couple times. | ||
| He's like, no, just relax. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| Yeah, Callan's a calm guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you know, the thing is, like, it is your life calling, and for some people it isn't. | ||
| Some people it's like something that came along after they had been doing a bunch of other stuff. | ||
| But that's okay. | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| There's an audience for everybody here. | ||
| A lot of people will say, like, that guy's not really a comic. | ||
| Like, if you're doing stand-up, you're a comic. | ||
| And although most of them don't ever become comics you respect, it's not like it's outside the realm of possibility. | ||
| If you could do it or I could do it, how come they can't do it? | ||
| Somebody said this about Caratomp. | ||
| Like, that fucker carried around, say what you will, but that fucker carried around that bag for a long fucking time. | ||
| Not only that, he monopolized that genre. | ||
| That was a legit genre when we started out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| You remember? | ||
| There were prop comics. | ||
| I mean, buddies with Rusty Dooley. | ||
| Rusty Dooley was a prop comic. | ||
| But there's no prop comics anymore. | ||
| There's fucking Carrot Top. | ||
| He killed the genre. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Dude, when I first started in 88, you would have a prop comic on every other show. | ||
| Three or four shows, you do three or four shows, one of those shows would have a prop comic on it. | ||
| Now they don't exist anymore. | ||
| So I really feel like in this I'm Dying Up Here, we did a good job of bringing all that stuff back. | ||
| And this is set in 1973, but we got Ventriloquist. | ||
| I can't wait for you to see this show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's another thing. | |
| There's no more Ventriloquist. | ||
| Who killed that? | ||
| Probably, well, Jeff Dunham. | ||
| Yes, that's who it was. | ||
| He owns it. | ||
| And then there was... | ||
| You saw Otto and George, right? | ||
| Oh, I worked with Otto. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Many times. | ||
| Many times. | ||
| We did prom shows together in New York. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| At Dangerfields. | ||
| If people don't know what Otto and George is, maybe you can explain since you worked with them, because I only saw them. | ||
| The puppet would say, the most vicious, vile, racist shit, and then he would go, I can't believe you're saying that. | ||
| And he'd go, cunt! | ||
| Hey, look at this fucking lady's a cunt! | ||
| Hey, cunt! | ||
| Hey, cunt! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just walk an entire room. | ||
| He would say, ruthless, ruthless shit. | ||
| He was a great guy, too. | ||
| Dead. | ||
| Yeah, he died. | ||
| And Sawyer had him in that small room, and we watched tourist after tourist walk away, and Tom Sawyer looked at me and the rest of the comics, again, or just hunched over on the floor, and he goes... | ||
| I'm losing money this weekend, guys, but this is for us. | ||
| Yeah, that's great. | ||
| Well, his act was ridiculous. | ||
| We did Jersey Shore shows for this guy Bob Gonzo. | ||
| I did a lot of shows with Otto. | ||
| He'd go looking for whores and crack. | ||
| Oh, he would go off. | ||
| Yeah, he would get crazy. | ||
| He would get crazy. | ||
| Yeah, but they're saying, so we have a ventriloquist in the show. | ||
| It's like the petty fights. | ||
| I get to write on it, so I get to incorporate all my fucking weirdness in there. | ||
| It's like petty bullshit, bad intro, fuck you. | ||
| Oh, that's nice. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, you also got 1970s wardrobe and hair, which is fucking badass. | ||
| I saw some photos of it. | ||
| My daughter walked up to me and on set didn't say anything about my hair. | ||
| I'm rocking the biggest mustache for you. | ||
| I'll post a picture. | ||
| I'm just rocking the biggest. | ||
| I think it's online. | ||
| Jamie could probably find it. | ||
| Huge, real mustache, big sideburns that are mine, and then this wig. | ||
| My daughter walks up and she goes, um, why are you wearing a towel? | ||
| It's a Terry Clough shirt. | ||
| That towel's the thing that bothered her. | ||
| Why is your shirt made out of a towel? | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| This is like kids growing up. | ||
| How are your kids growing up with like, do they know stand-up comic dad? | ||
| They're figuring it out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I brought my, living in New York, practicing for a Comedy Central special that I don't think one person saw. | ||
| Was it an hour or half? | ||
| Hour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hour. | |
| When did you do it? | ||
| I did it in 2014, 2013. So something they gave you once you started doing the Daily Show? | ||
| Daily Show special came out. | ||
| How many times did you hear it? | ||
| Why is the rabbit crying? | ||
| Twice. | ||
| Just fucking midnight on a Friday. | ||
| Those motherfuckers. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| You burn a special with them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's a problem. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| And then they're like, but you can catch it online at ComedyCentral.com. | ||
| Nobody can. | ||
| Nobody's going there. | ||
| No one is going there. | ||
| It's not happening. | ||
| You know what I want them to do? | ||
| Sell them to Netflix. | ||
| Sell them to Netflix or... | ||
| Have a billboard. | ||
| Really have a campaign that says Dave Attell, Jim Gaffigan, Joe Rog- like all these names of just every comic that you love and watch. | ||
| All available here. | ||
| Two dollars. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like you know what or something like- But they're not gonna do that because no one's gonna do it. | ||
| They're not- like you have to have something on a platform that people already use. | ||
| Sell them all to see so. | ||
| You have Amazon, you have Netflix, and you have like Apple. | ||
| That's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No one else is going anywhere else. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just not gonna happen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's too easy to do those things. | ||
| So anyway, I just burned that special. | ||
| Anyway, so I'm practicing for that. | ||
| I go up to Rochester, New York, bring my wife and kids with me. | ||
| We stay in a Holiday Inn and Suites. | ||
| And this is a six-year-old little girl goes over to the curtains, opens them up, and she goes, um, why am I looking at the parking lot? | ||
| And I go, everybody gather around. | ||
| This is the road! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay? | |
| Yeah, that's what I do. | ||
| This is what daddy does. | ||
| You think I'm having a great time? | ||
| Flying around? | ||
| It really gets sad. | ||
| It's depressing. | ||
| We're going to fight a businessman for a waffle tomorrow morning. | ||
| Everybody shut up. | ||
| Those Rochester road gigs are rough. | ||
| Like those spots where people don't necessarily want to go. | ||
| Albany, Rochester. | ||
| Woof. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woof. | |
| Yeah, it was a bar. | ||
| It was attached to a country western bar called Daisy Dukes. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Yeah, look that up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking brutal. | |
| There was a place in Youngstown, Ohio that I did that was attached to a disco and there was a back door. | ||
| And every time the back door would open up, like when people would go to the bathroom and hear... | ||
| And the door would slowly close. | ||
| Okay, so... | ||
| It was rough. | ||
| I did this place, Laughs, in Kirkland. | ||
| Washington? | ||
| Washington. | ||
| And I go there, and I'm doing this... | ||
| Again, if you watch these, these are like longer stories, tangents, characters, shit like that for the most part. | ||
| Like, my closer is 25 minutes long. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| In this special. | ||
| It starts with this... | ||
| This is the 2014 special? | ||
| No, this is the one I'm doing right now that comes out this weekend. | ||
| Oh, the one that comes out this weekend? | ||
| 20 minutes long. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's this big, long fucking bit that I've been working on forever about revenge and my anger and fucking... | ||
| I did seafood revenge. | ||
| I shrimped the place. | ||
| That's why it's called shrimping and easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| So I'm a fucking just mess. | ||
| And I forgot. | ||
| I just got off track. | ||
| I forgot what I was fucking talking about. | ||
| The road, opening up the parking lot, fighting someone over a waffle, Kirkland, Washington. | ||
| Kirkland. | ||
| So I'm at Kirkland in the middle of a big, long story. | ||
| And they bring out these trays that have neon lights around them with jello shots on them. | ||
| And everybody in the entire audience looks at these trays. | ||
| They look like UFOs. | ||
| They got Jell-O shots on them. | ||
| And I go, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to interrupt this crafted bit that took me five years to master to bring you Jell-O shots! | ||
| Who wants a Jell-O shot? | ||
| Let's everybody do Jell-O shots, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Jell-O shot time! | ||
| And I just started fucking selling the shit out of Jell-O shots as a bit because I'm like, this guy fucked up. | ||
| I need everyone concentrating. | ||
| Who was bringing out the jello shots? | ||
| The owner and the waitresses are bringing out these trays. | ||
| Did they tell you they were going to do this? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Just UFO trays of jello shots. | ||
| This is at a comedy club? | ||
| At a comedy club. | ||
| Lose every single person in the audience. | ||
| This is a standard thing they do? | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| I just went with it. | ||
| Is it like what they do at the end of the night to wrap up? | ||
| This is the big push at the end of the night. | ||
| We're going to get some extra dollars in our coffers. | ||
| I can't believe it was happening. | ||
| I was shocked at the time. | ||
| And then the owner comes up like I was serious and he goes, holy shit. | ||
| He goes, we sold out of Jell-O shots. | ||
| You were amazing. | ||
| That was unbelievable. | ||
| And then I walk in the next night. | ||
| He's got more Jell-O shots. | ||
| I mean, the kitchen is filled with them. | ||
| And those Jell-O shots come out and I don't say a thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, I thought we were in business with selling jello shots together. | |
| We had a good thing going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know if you know this. | |
| He goes, you didn't mention the jello shots. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I go, yeah. | ||
| I don't know if you can tell, but I really hate the fucking jello shots. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, I go, it was just, it's horrible. | |
| You should not be selling them. | ||
| I don't know, it's a huge distraction. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| And it was just to teach you a lesson. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Did he sell any jello shots? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| When you weren't pushing them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| Zero. | ||
|
unidentified
|
None. | |
| So he just had a huge, like, he had... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| You should have probably explained that to him on the first night, and then he would have got it. | ||
| But he probably still would have sold him anyway. | ||
| Fuck you, I made money. | ||
| Fuck you, I made money. | ||
| And he was a nice guy, and it was just... | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I can't... | ||
| It's hard for me to do, and... | ||
| Again, if you have people coming out that know you and you're going out to see something and you collectively are a group of people that love an individual comic, it's a great place to be. | ||
| But again, if you're up there winning over 60% of the audience, it's not good. | ||
| I'd rather just go hang out at the store. | ||
| Well, it's good to do the road, though, because, like, you can... | ||
| I think, like, every time you do a set in a new place, you get a new experience, a new vibe, a new feel, new crowds, new... | ||
| And I think places also have, like, a different personality. | ||
| Like, I feel like Portland, Oregon has a different personality than a lot of places. | ||
| Like, you go up to Portland, it feels different. | ||
| The audience feels different. | ||
| And then you go to Austin, Texas. | ||
| Different feeling. | ||
| Like, a little lighter there. | ||
| A little lighter. | ||
| A little more fun. | ||
| A little more silly. | ||
| I like doing shows in Canada. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| In Toronto, one of the best sets I've ever had in my entire fucking life. | ||
| Toronto, Vancouver is fun for me to go to. | ||
| Canadians are just great audiences. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| It's loose. | ||
| They're not uptight about anything. | ||
| 20% less douchebags. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that's my theory about Canada. | ||
| They have 20% less douchebags than us. | ||
| It must be what it is. | ||
| There's always douchebags. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they have 20% less. | ||
| I was in that Vancouver comedy club. | ||
| Mix? | ||
| Comedy Mix, yeah. | ||
| Great spot. | ||
| Awesome spot. | ||
| You go right to your hotel. | ||
| It's in the hotel. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| You go down to the bottom floor, walk right into the club. | ||
| All clubs underground. | ||
| Comedy Works, DC Improv. | ||
| If you have that old Cobbs that we talked about. | ||
| Just all these great places. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Just underground comedy club. | ||
| There's something about it. | ||
| It's just fun. | ||
| Anyway, so I think there's three guys in the front row. | ||
| And I look at them, and they keep going around the bathroom. | ||
| I'm like, you guys are doing coke, huh? | ||
| And they're like, yeah, we're doing coke! | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, I look at the bouncer, and I'm like, these guys are clearly doing coke! | |
| Like that, no one, you shot them in the front row? | ||
| And then he goes, well, they paid... | ||
| To sit in the front row. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They got coke money. | ||
| They got coke money! | ||
| Well, Vancouver's a big Coke town. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's a big weed town, but it's also a big Coke town. | ||
| That was one of the points where I... It's Sunday night after that set, and I go after that weekend. | ||
| It's the last... | ||
| I'm hanging out with this great comic up there, Graham Clark. | ||
| And bearded guy looks like the young Santa Claus, like all, you know, Vancouver comics. | ||
| And we go and we're having drinks at a bar nearby. | ||
| And these two girls send over these two shots of Jack Daniels. | ||
| And he's not an attractive fella. | ||
| I'm no Brenton Chobb. | ||
| And so we go, what? | ||
| Really? | ||
| And they look over our shoulders. | ||
| Is this for us? | ||
| And I go, okay. | ||
| They must have been at the show. | ||
| That's what must have been at the show. | ||
| They weren't at the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Weird. | ||
| There's a lot of chicks in that town. | ||
| Maybe they wanted your liver. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I was thinking. | ||
| I immediately go to fucking me in the bathtub. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Fucking with no organs. | ||
| Wake up, ice is on you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| I'm very suspicious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Rocking a wedding ring. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| Not people's sexiest man alive. | ||
| You know, my wife is very attractive. | ||
| But... | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| I'm not pulling any chicks after shows. | ||
| And I'm no, you know, Brian Callen's outgoing, nice guy. | ||
| You're not. | ||
| I'm not Brian Callen. | ||
| So why is this, why are they? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| So then they come over. | ||
| And this is, I've never felt so bad about, like, these two chicks, they're hot. | ||
| And I immediately go to, we're going to die. | ||
| Like, they're trying to drug us and take some shit. | ||
| And then, because I can't offer any explanation for it. | ||
| And neither can Graham. | ||
| And so we send them back shots. | ||
| And we don't go over there. | ||
| We're just like, okay, it's even now. | ||
| And then they come join us at a table. | ||
| And then the one girl starts talking to us. | ||
| We're like, were you guys at the show? | ||
| And they're like, what show? | ||
| And then I go, we're chit-chatting. | ||
| And the one girl goes, she goes, I really want to go to strip clubs right now. | ||
| And I was like, fucking, this is like a fucking fantasy for me to fucking go to strip clubs with these hot chicks. | ||
| And Graham looks at me and I go, well, I got a flight to catch and I guess I'll just see you guys later. | ||
| And I just, we fucking walked away. | ||
| And that's never happened. | ||
| This happened in Vancouver. | ||
| You walk around that city and there's this place called the Cactus Club. | ||
| Have you been there? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| They cast with headshots. | ||
| They staff their whole place with headshots. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's the most gorgeous women you've ever seen in your entire life working at a place. | ||
| The Cactus Club. | ||
| The Cactus Club. | ||
| Why do they call it the Cactus Club? | ||
| I don't know where they came up with their name. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of pricks? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So, yeah, it's a lot of just hot chicks, and that's what I saw in Vancouver. | ||
| It was just talking hot chicks. | ||
| I think prostitution is legal, right? | ||
| Oh, so do you think they were prostitutes? | ||
| They might have been prostitutes. | ||
| So they got you drinks thinking to get these guys intoxicated. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's got glasses on. | ||
| He looks like an executive or something. | ||
| He's got some whore money. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a little... | ||
| Whore stash. | ||
| Speaking of whores, I just went to the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| I did a private gig. | ||
| It's on the end of Rodeo Drive in Beverly Hills. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And then it's on Wilshire and it hits. | ||
| And it's an old hotel and me and Tom Papa did a charity gig on Monday night. | ||
| So then me and Tom hit the bar afterwards and proceed to watch a parade of high-end whores Go through that place picking off old men left and right to the point. | ||
| We were like we were just shocked It was really amazing good-looking ladies Well, there's that there's that crazy Beverly Hills money and You know, just the other day I was looking at real estate in Beverly Hills for a goof. | ||
| You ever look at like the Redfin app? | ||
| Oh, I love that. | ||
| I love to do that every now and then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me too. | |
| If I was going to move to Beverly Hills, let's see what I could afford. | ||
| Nothing! | ||
| I could afford nothing! | ||
| It's all like $17 million house? | ||
| 85 million, 100 million, 200 million. | ||
| Dude, that's exactly who's buying it. | ||
| Well, I went to dinner with my wife and one of her friends, her friend's husband, and we went in Beverly Hills, and this guy pulled up in a million dollar car. | ||
| He had a Bugatti Veyron. | ||
| It's a million dollar car, and it has Saudi Arabian license plates on it. | ||
| Gold plated. | ||
| Which is totally illegal. | ||
| It's totally illegal to have Saudi Arabian license plates. | ||
| Like, they're taking these cars. | ||
| They either fly them over or they put them on a boat. | ||
| They have them registered in Saudi Arabia. | ||
| They bring them to America, and they drive around with these plates on it. | ||
| They had palace plates. | ||
| Like, it said, like, palace on the fucking plate. | ||
| And cops don't fuck with those guys because they're foreign dignitaries. | ||
| Well, because there's so much money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you remember that one guy that was like some sort of a foreign dignitary guy and he was banging his maids or like forcing him to suck his dick or something like that and they called the cops on him and they arrested him and then, you know, they were gonna process him and, you know, charge him with rape and he just fucking hopped in a private jet and flew out of the country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they were saying, why did you let this guy go? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! | |
| It's like diplomatic immunity. | ||
| He was crying diplomatic immunity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, but forcing maids. | ||
| I'm just thinking about my maid. | ||
| It's this old fucking Mexican lady. | ||
| Forcing her to suck one day. | ||
| So these, the money... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I always think of Arnold, what he did. | |
| But the money in that area, in Beverly Hills area, is just, it's catastrophic. | ||
| I mean, it's stratospheric, rather. | ||
| It's off the charts. | ||
| Like, you can't even understand. | ||
| Like, a guy who makes good money is poor there. | ||
| I'm a poor person there. | ||
| I do well, but I'm poor there. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It's when you get into oil money, or people who own any... | ||
| Hologarge money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And even in the United States, when you have people that have been here for so long and generated, you know... | ||
| Trumps. | ||
| Mayflower fucking shit, where it's like, oh yeah, we own... | ||
| My family used to own Pasadena. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| That's another trippy thing. | ||
| We've talked about that, is where there was so much money in Pasadena that they put that 210 freeway there. | ||
| That's why it is where it is, so they keep the black people on the other side. | ||
| What? | ||
| That's exactly why that freeway is there. | ||
| Where do they keep the black people? | ||
| On which side? | ||
| On the other side, down north of Pasadena, that 210. Separates them? | ||
| Altadena. | ||
| That's where the black people are? | ||
| That's where the black people are. | ||
| That's why they call it Crimadina. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They call it Altadena Crimadina. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's rough up there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We were playing this youth basketball league when my son was maybe like a fifth grader, and the nicest man in the world who ran the basketball league just got hit by a bullet in the head and fucking dead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah, Pasadena streets. | ||
| There was this park. | ||
| He got shot in Pasadena? | ||
| Just a stray bullet. | ||
| A stray bullet? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who are they shooting at? | ||
| Just each other. | ||
| You know, gangs. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| In Pasadena? | ||
| There's gang violence in Pasadena? | ||
| A shitload of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Like near the Ice House? | ||
| Not near the Ice House. | ||
| Ice House is on the right side. | ||
| South side. | ||
| This is a freeway. | ||
| Go fucking north of that freeway and go up into the hills right there. | ||
| And there's a shitload of crime. | ||
| Shitload. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| I saw there's this place called Villa Park where my son was playing soccer. | ||
| And we went there and I saw guys getting their hair cut in the street. | ||
| Like a guy sitting down and just buzzing and a dude lines people just giving haircuts in the street. | ||
| Everybody watch out. | ||
| Like this fucking rough neighborhood. | ||
| We ever see dudes getting haircuts in the street, and you're like, fucking everybody look alive. | ||
| It's rough. | ||
| It's a lot of Latinos, you know, and there's also a lot of black on Mexican crime. | ||
| Remember when that was happening in LA? The Mexican guys were just shooting black people? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Any black people? | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Any of them? | |
| Yep. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Trying to run them out of neighborhoods. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| When you get into, like, MS-13 shit, that's where it starts to get scary. | ||
| Well, that's where, like, white people get really pro-Trump. | ||
| You know, they get very excited about Trump, and MS-13 is one of the things they keep bringing up, and all these... | ||
| Illegal immigrants that have formed these gangs. | ||
| For the most part, when you look at all of the people coming in to work, they don't want any trouble. | ||
| Everybody wants to keep their head down, give themselves a chance, no trouble. | ||
| With anything, there's going to be bad apples. | ||
| There's going to be the guy in San Francisco that everybody keeps referring to. | ||
| There's going to be gangs. | ||
| You know what I see everywhere I go? | ||
| That is a huge fucking problem that is just spreading like wildfires. | ||
| Fucking meth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Meth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It's like when you go... | ||
| Meth and Adderall, by the way. | ||
| Adderall's bad? | ||
| Oh, it's a huge problem. | ||
| And it leads people to meth. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| Adderall and meth are closely related. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Very closely related. | ||
| They're both amphetamines. | ||
| I took a half of Adderall once. | ||
| And I was like, oh, yeah, never doing that again. | ||
| I'm not good on drugs. | ||
| I took Freddy Soto, gave me an Ambien. | ||
| He was an Ambien, unfortunately. | ||
| That's what did him in, wasn't it? | ||
| It had to be. | ||
| Sleep apnea and Ambien together? | ||
| He was fat. | ||
| He was fat and just like, you know, drugs. | ||
| Well, when you have Ambien and sleep apnea, apparently it's a lethal combination because you don't feel yourself choking. | ||
| Yeah, he gave me an Ambien. | ||
| We moved. | ||
| I took it. | ||
| I was just like I needed to take a nap. | ||
| And I was all wound up. | ||
| I slept for five hours straight in the middle of the day. | ||
| I was like, I'm never fucking taking that again. | ||
| And then took this Adderall and just felt all fucked up. | ||
| And just never. | ||
| I don't think my body... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't do anything. | ||
| I was getting really tired. | ||
| During the day, and I remember you told me to take some vitamin D, and so I started taking a multivitamin. | ||
| And that really helps me. | ||
| And I take a lot of B12. That helps. | ||
| You know what else will help you in a big way? | ||
| Cut out all the bread and sugar and carbs. | ||
| Cut out all that stuff. | ||
| Because then the insulin spikes. | ||
| You're not getting these big spikes, which is a big reason why people crash at the end of the day. | ||
| It's bread. | ||
| Bread, pasta, all that stuff. | ||
| Your body goes, fuck! | ||
| And your body has to process that, and you get this big slump. | ||
| As soon as you cut all that out, you experience a much more even flow of energy through the day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So if I could just learn to do like that. | ||
| Again, I'm such a glutton, man. | ||
| It's like, I can just... | ||
| Bread. | ||
| When the kids... | ||
| My wife is making fresh loaves with this artisan bread that she has. | ||
| And then they may bring peanut butter and jelly. | ||
| I'm just like a scavenger. | ||
| I'm a family goat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll just eat the crusts. | |
| That all the kids leave behind. | ||
| Sometimes I stop ordering food for myself at a restaurant because I know everyone's going to leave half their shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Or I'll order myself a full entree and then somebody will have half a chicken parmesan or something over on it because my son and daughter insist on ordering off the kids menu. | ||
| And so now I got somebody eating a full chicken parmesan, but they'll only eat half of it, and I'm not going to let that go to waste, and so I'll start digging into that, and then there's pasta there, and I'm like, let me just try one of those raviolis. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, I ate, like, fucking three dinners. | ||
| I weigh more than I ever have weighed in my entire life right now. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| 193 and I'm 5'10". | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus, dude. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I think, again, I go to the gym on a regular basis and I lift and stuff like that, but yeah, I'm fucking 193 pounds. | ||
| Yeah, it's that pasta and bread, man. | ||
| If you just cut all that stuff out, you'll drop a shitload of weight right away. | ||
| Quit being a family goat. | ||
| That'll help. | ||
| That'll help. | ||
| You know, one of the things we were talking about that I think is kind of important, like when you're talking about immigration and like bad apples and stuff like that, I look at immigration the same way I look at gun control. | ||
| Like most people that have guns are law-abiding citizens and it's not going to be a problem. | ||
| The vast, vast majority. | ||
| And I think that's the same case with... | ||
| Immigration, in the same case, people coming to America, even illegally. | ||
| They want to do better. | ||
| That's why they're coming here. | ||
| They're not coming here because they want to start crime. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Most of them are coming here because they want opportunities. | ||
| With guns, I totally agree. | ||
| I want a shotgun so badly. | ||
| I want a double-barrel. | ||
| I want a shotgun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I've shot a lot of guns, especially for The Daily Show. | ||
| Shot guns for The Daily Show? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Is that, like, mandatory? | ||
| You guys are going to be telling jokes? | ||
| You're going to have to learn how to fucking clear a room. | ||
| You've got to learn how to defend yourself. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Follow me. | ||
| Now, this is a Thompson machine gun. | ||
| Trigger discipline! | ||
| It's very important for the Daily Show. | ||
| I've shot.50 caliber, sniper busters. | ||
| .50 calibers are ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dude, I'll show you a video after this. | ||
| Actually, maybe this hasn't really even aired because it was part of a pilot that I did. | ||
| I did a pilot for Comedy Central when I left The Daily Show. | ||
| It was an anti-travel show called This Place Sucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
laughter That didn't go? | |
| Dude, I'll send it to you. | ||
| That's a great idea just in concept. | ||
| Dude, it's the fucking funny, you know what they said? | ||
| What? | ||
| Too mean. | ||
| Everybody said it was too mean. | ||
| It's fucking hilarious. | ||
| I go, we stayed in Kansas City. | ||
| I go, hey everybody, my name's Al Madrigal. | ||
| I'm in Kansas City. | ||
| I'm going to tell you why this place sucks. | ||
| Fucking just shit all over it. | ||
| You need to just do that online. | ||
| Oh yeah, I should just put them out. | ||
| That is a great idea for all things comedy. | ||
| Why don't you just buy up the idea? | ||
| Start making them. | ||
| I totally should. | ||
| Do you own the idea? | ||
| It's my idea, yeah. | ||
| Oh my god, that's a great idea. | ||
| That idea, like, as soon as you set it up, bing! | ||
| You know, someone says an idea and a light bulb goes off, like, that's a real idea. | ||
| And I do it in San Francisco. | ||
| When I do it, San Francisco's fucking filthy. | ||
| It is one of the dirtiest cities I've ever been to in my entire life. | ||
| And also, it's, like, filled with rich douchebags now because of the, you know, internet boom and all this tech boom. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Poor people are getting moved out. | ||
| There's so much stuff to make fun of. | ||
| So anyway, I made fun of... | ||
| I went to this place, OMB Guns, and I shot fucking machine guns, handguns. | ||
| Like, I shot everything. | ||
| And then for the Daily Show, I went and I drove a tank. | ||
| I got to drive tanks. | ||
| I was doing these chieftain tanks that I was driving. | ||
| I got to run over two Saturns in a tank. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, it was fucking awesome. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| How do you drive a tank? | ||
| Like, what do you... | ||
| Is there a gas? | ||
| Yeah, it's levers. | ||
| And there's a... | ||
| So, yeah, you can watch. | ||
| And there was this hot chick. | ||
| That they had that was working there that was on it with me and at the same place I got to fire machine guns. | ||
| But I feel like when it comes to automatic weapons and the.50 caliber sniper buster and all that shit. | ||
| I don't understand why you need to own that. | ||
| I liked shooting it. | ||
| I'll go shoot that stuff again. | ||
| I really enjoyed it. | ||
| You're going to see me shoot that.50 caliber thing? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, there was a shockwave. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like, your head flies back. | ||
| You can watch my arms and the skin on my arms ripple after I fucking shoot it. | ||
| Because I wore a sleeveless shirt to shoot it. | ||
| And I'm like, fuck it. | ||
| Boom! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And I enjoyed it. | ||
| I like shooting that shit. | ||
| I want the shotgun to defend my house when everything goes to hell. | ||
| Zombie apocalypse. | ||
| Yeah, zombie apocalypse. | ||
| I need a shotgun. | ||
| I want just somebody to hear, get the fuck away from the door. | ||
| You know what I have by my bed right now? | ||
| Hammers. | ||
| A hammer? | ||
| I have a hammer. | ||
| Like, Bill makes fun of me like he thinks it's the craziest thing. | ||
| You keep it by your bed? | ||
| I keep a hammer under my bed, like I'm gonna fucking get up and close contact, like hammer somebody to death. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That seems like you thought it through like really Really, like, on a surface level. | ||
| I have a magnum flashlight, and I got... | ||
| A magnum flashlight? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That always kills me, that people think they're going to club somebody with a flashlight. | ||
| No, no, I want a flashlight in one hand, and blind them, and then fucking run in and hammer. | ||
| Why not a real weapon? | ||
| I want a real weapon. | ||
| I got knives. | ||
| I have all close contact. | ||
| How come you never got a gun? | ||
| Oh, my wife. | ||
| Oh, one of them. | ||
| I'll get one. | ||
| I'm working on her. | ||
| She gets it. | ||
| What you got to do is a false flag in the house. | ||
| Hire some friends to break in. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's a good idea. | ||
| A false flag. | ||
| You're like the Dick Cheney of households. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| So, yeah, I want the gun badly, but I feel like with an AK-47, and maybe, you know, people can write, like, only bad things have happened with people, you know, sure, there's responsible gun owners, but you look at Dylann Roof and you look at, you know, Columbine, you look at all these, you know, people getting shot up everywhere and Sandy Hook. | ||
| Like, I don't want that to happen. | ||
| I don't want my kids... | ||
| I was walking along... | ||
| You put your guns in a safe. | ||
| Why do you need an AK-47? | ||
| You don't. | ||
| You don't need an AK-47. | ||
| I'm saying have all the handguns. | ||
| But the thing is, who should be able to decide who gets what? | ||
| That's where it gets weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And what about silencers, too? | ||
| Well, here's the thing. | ||
| In Europe, silencers are thought of as a polite thing. | ||
| Because we're over in America worried about shooting people. | ||
| They're worrying about noise. | ||
| So, like, if you have what they call a suppressor, they call a suppressor. | ||
| Like, if you're hunting, you would hunt with a suppressor on because you don't want to blow your fucking ears out, man. | ||
| I'll put the links out to these two pieces that I did, Daily Show Spots. | ||
| I'll do the one... | ||
| If you go to my thing, the Twitter, I'll... | ||
| I'll put it out. | ||
| I'll send them to you. | ||
| Then when I drove the tank and fired all those guns, and then I did a silencer piece as well. | ||
| And the guy was saying he wanted to protect kids' ears with the silencers. | ||
| And that's what Donald Trump Jr. is saying. | ||
| Kids. | ||
| The reality is though, and this is true, I know a lot of friends that are hunters that shot guns as kids and they're fucked up now. | ||
| Their ears are a mess. | ||
| Shouldn't they wear the... | ||
| Yeah, they should. | ||
| But they didn't when they were younger because they didn't know any better. | ||
| See, 20 years ago... | ||
| People didn't know that you were going to do permanent damage to your ear. | ||
| You never heard about it. | ||
| These people just shot guns. | ||
| But I think also the unfortunate reality now is that you could have somebody walking around undetected and fucking shooting people in a college, in a community college. | ||
| I was on KCRW and walking around the Santa Monica campus, and I really did think. | ||
| I'm like, okay, who's the shooter? | ||
| And that shouldn't be a thought. | ||
| No, it shouldn't. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's a mental health issue. | ||
| Because, like, the only person that's capable of doing that is a person who's sick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and that's the other thing that doesn't come up when you're talking about mass shootings is whenever you hear about it in the news, nobody makes the correlation, the inescapable correlation between psychoactive drugs and And mass shootings, because there's a lot of fucking mass shooters, like almost all of them, that are either on pharmaceutical drugs, like SSRIs, disassociative drugs, or they're getting off of them, antipsychotic drugs. | ||
| So what can be done? | ||
| Is there, like, there is no common ground? | ||
| You start having people make, we live in this country where you should be able to do whatever you want and have whatever you want, but then who gets to decide who gets what guns? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good question. | |
| Well, Texas is sort of taking the idea that everybody has a gun. | ||
| A well-armed society is a polite society. | ||
| What am I, Ron White all of a sudden? | ||
| And then teachers should have guns in the classroom. | ||
| And bulletproof helmets. | ||
| Full vests. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| AK-47s right there. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Put down the chalk! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da! | |
| I don't know, man. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| It sucks that you have to think about this. | ||
| There's no easy solution. | ||
| Every time one of those things happens, everybody buckles down and wants to take away guns and try to figure out legislation. | ||
| I just feel like the root of the problem is not the tools that people are using. | ||
| It's the fact that someone's willing to use those tools. | ||
| It's the fact that someone is willing to do that. | ||
| The fact that those guns are more accessible is a genuine issue. | ||
| But I think we can all agree that no one came for the guns. | ||
| But Obama, everybody's like, Obama's coming for the guns! | ||
| Well, do you know why? | ||
| Because the NRA. Because the NRA is too strong. | ||
| The lobby's too strong. | ||
| They've spent a shitload of money and continue to spend a shitload of money to make sure they protect the Second Amendment rights. | ||
| Yeah, but so you're saying if not for the NRA, that they would have taken all the guns. | ||
| They would have definitely done something similar to what Australia did. | ||
| Australia essentially made gun ownership very, very, very difficult. | ||
| They took away guns, they enacted very strict laws, and they had, like, one mass shooting a long time ago. | ||
| They had a big mass shooting a long time ago. | ||
| That's the thing that they don't have is, like, these big mass shootings. | ||
| You know, when you see... | ||
| But Australia has the same amount of people as California, and it's the size of the United States. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Yeah, they just saw a thing. | ||
| It was the map comparisons that blow your mind. | ||
| It's the exact same size. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| And people are spread, you know. | ||
| Way spread out. | ||
| And it's the same amount of people as Los Angeles. | ||
| And it's in this giant-ass fucking country. | ||
| So when you think about being able to take people's guns in Australia, it's different. | ||
| The culture's different. | ||
| The idea of independence is different over there. | ||
| We have a different attitude over here. | ||
| Yeah, I just don't want to... | ||
| When you have little kids, again, everything changes. | ||
| I don't ever worry about them growing up in a society where a teacher does have to think about wearing a fucking helmet. | ||
| Of course, of course. | ||
| I mean, nobody wants to think that. | ||
| I don't know what the solution is, but the solution... | ||
| Look, getting the guns away from the people, there's more guns than there are human beings in America. | ||
| And they're not going to stop making guns. | ||
| No, it's a good business. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think the guns are the problem. | ||
| I really don't. | ||
| I mean, I support gun ownership. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I just don't think that's the issue. | ||
| I think the issue is, look, we saw in France, in Nice, that some crazy fuck can take a car and kill 100 people by plowing over people. | ||
| Yeah, and just start stabbing people, too. | ||
| Get out of the car and just fucking start stabbing folks. | ||
| There's ways that people lose their fucking minds and do horrible things to people, and the ways are not things you have to take away. | ||
| You have to figure out a way, and I don't... | ||
| Take away all hammers? | ||
| No. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I don't know what the solution is, but I don't think anybody does. | ||
| No, obviously not. | ||
| The idea of taking all those guns away. | ||
| I think what you're getting at with the mental health stuff is there, I'm not opposed to there being a screening process and seeing if you have a history of violence. | ||
| Of course, yeah. | ||
| And if you show up on a terrorist watch list, and that's where I I think the NRA goes overboard. | ||
| If you're on a fucking terrorist watch list, who doesn't agree with that? | ||
| Well, the only problem with that is who gets to decide who's on that terrorist watch list. | ||
| Because there was people that were from the Green Party that were put on terrorist watch lists after 9-11 because they were anti-war protesters. | ||
| And they were put on no-fly lists. | ||
| There was a lot of weird shit that happened where people were put on lists because they pissed off the wrong people. | ||
| But then you go to buy a gun, and then they say, I'm sorry, you can't purchase this weapon because you're on this list. | ||
| Go to a gun show. | ||
| That's part of the problem. | ||
| You go to a gun show and you can buy a gun far easier. | ||
| They're trying to tighten that down, though. | ||
| Kansas, you can go and... | ||
| People correct me if I'm wrong. | ||
| I didn't choke up. | ||
| This place sucks. | ||
| What am I? And so you go to Kansas... | ||
| And then you can get a gun with just an ID, Kansas ID, and get it in maybe like five minutes, zero train. | ||
| It's nothing. | ||
| Just you get it right away. | ||
| You don't have to have a background check? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Was that true, like, when you did in 2014? | ||
| When I did this piece, yeah. | ||
| But you can look at... | ||
| Can we check that? | ||
| Yeah, gun laws, access... | ||
| Kansas gun law, no background check. | ||
| No background check, I'm pretty certain. | ||
| So... | ||
| But wouldn't people... | ||
| You have to live in Kansas City? | ||
| Well, listen to what this guy does with his grandma. | ||
| He walks into this place, and he goes, uh... | ||
| I can't... | ||
| The guy says, I can't buy the gun. | ||
| But she can. | ||
| Like that he buys these four guns or something kills a bunch of people so Federal law requires federally licensed firearms dealers, but not private sellers to initiate a background check on the purchase Purchase or prior to sale a firearm as a result concealed weapons license holders in Kansas are exempt from the federal background check requirement Yeah, it's crazy news No training, no background check. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| Concealed weapons license holders. | ||
| Like, you have to have a concealed weapons license, which is difficult to acquire. | ||
| It's not easy to get a concealed weapons license unless they have a different law there. | ||
| Background checks in Kansas. | ||
| That's concealed weapons, but I think you can just get it. | ||
| But concealed weapons is like the hardest thing to get is a concealed carry. | ||
| Federal law provides states with the options of serving a state. | ||
| Kansas has no law requiring firearms dealers to initiate background checks prior to transferring a firearm. | ||
| As a result, in Kansas, firearms dealers must initiate the background check required by federal law by contacting the FBI directly. | ||
| Kansas is not a point of contact state. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| So they have to contact the FBI. Federal law does not require dealers to conduct a background check if a firearm purchaser presents a state permit to purchase or possess firearms that meet certain conditions. | ||
| So it seems like there's definitely some wiggle room. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, for sure. | ||
| And then, you know, that's what he was talking about, these gun shows where you can just go gobble up a bunch of firearms, and then you can bring them into... | ||
| That's what they just transport them across state lines and... | ||
| It's one of those things like many human issues where there's not a whole lot of like clear paths. | ||
| It's like there's so many guns, you're never going to take them all away from people. | ||
| And should you take them all away from them? | ||
| Like if a guy like you has a gun, I don't feel like you're a danger or a threat unless you get in one of your goddamn tirades. | ||
| Maybe I'm not the best example. | ||
| You might shoot a hack. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| But fucking stealing what? | ||
| He's got a gun! | ||
| Did you hear that bit? | ||
| Not a bit, the video. | ||
| Carlos Mencia was on Joey Diaz's show saying he thought about bringing a gun around and going to the comedy store and shooting people and he was carrying a gun in his car. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Well there, maybe he shouldn't have a gun. | ||
| Yeah, Jesus. | ||
| That's where I started thinking about Ojai, which brings me back and then I started thinking about, you know, I look at Redfin or I look at Trulia. | ||
| I would go to Ojai. | ||
| Living out there, you mean? | ||
| Living in Ojai. | ||
| Ojai's weird. | ||
| Checking out. | ||
| I was in Ojai recently. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Everybody talks about how great it is. | ||
| I think the resort is great. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| We did an Airbnb out there in Ojai. | ||
| I was like, yeah, I don't have to. | ||
| Not feeling it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What about... | ||
| Nice restaurants. | ||
| What about when you get out to like... | ||
| Montecito? | ||
| Oh, that's fucking just... | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| That's like 1%. | ||
| That's like $12 million house territory. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That Saudi Arabian chic has a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beautiful. | |
| Beautiful view. | ||
| No, rich people found the good spots. | ||
| That's a good spot. | ||
| Yeah, they really did. | ||
| I like that Santa Barbara. | ||
| I like that Santa Ynez. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like to go up the coast. | ||
| If everybody looks at this, you want to go look at Cambria? | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| It's in the middle of California. | ||
| It's just a coastal town. | ||
| There's a place called Avila Beach. | ||
| It's all that gets into, like, San Luis Obispo County. | ||
| Right in the middle, people have it. | ||
| It's a little bit too far to drive. | ||
| It'll take you, like, three and a half hours out of L.A. Little town, walk to the coffee place with the dogs. | ||
| My buddy John Hackleman lives in San Luis Epispo. | ||
| He's Chuck Liddell's old karate trainer. | ||
| I went to Paulie with Chuck Liddell. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| I didn't know him. | ||
| I just knew. | ||
| I was like, oh, that fucking guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the Ambria. | |
| That's Cambria? | ||
| That's Cambria. | ||
| That's pretty. | ||
| Is that off the 101? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah, that's pretty. | ||
| It looks quiet. | ||
| But San Luis Obispo is fucking great. | ||
| There's no one there. | ||
| It's just a college and it's real quiet and calm. | ||
| There's Morro Bay. | ||
| There's also another. | ||
| They got that big rock. | ||
| And then you can just go fish. | ||
| You can do a bunch of shit like that. | ||
| So that's, again, I'm... | ||
| I am so high-strung, and I do feel like I'm prone to... | ||
| I can't be walking around telling dads at my school to fuck off. | ||
| Do you do that? | ||
| I told one guy to go, you're a real fucking asshole. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| He's a fucking dick to my son. | ||
| The dad was? | ||
| The dad was. | ||
| He was a basketball coach. | ||
| And I saw him, and I go, hey, you're a real asshole. | ||
| You know that? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Because no dads talk to each other like that. | ||
| And, yeah, I call this guy an asshole. | ||
| And I felt bad. | ||
| Again, I feel fucking bad. | ||
| I don't want to do it, but I did it. | ||
| And he's a dick. | ||
| And everybody knows he's a fucking dick. | ||
| And, well, is he a coach? | ||
| He was a coach for a couple years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
At a school? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Is he still there? | ||
| Or is he done? | ||
| He's done. | ||
| Yeah, he's done. | ||
| Yeah, well, there's a lot of people that can't. | ||
| I mean, the stress of being a comic, right, is one kind of stress. | ||
| Imagine the stress of dealing with hormonally active 17-year-olds every fucking year. | ||
| New ones coming in, just chaos. | ||
| These are much younger. | ||
| Okay, 14? | ||
| No, not even that. | ||
| This is like being an asshole to an 11-year-old. | ||
| Oh, well, he's a piece of shit then. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, exactly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of fucking stress in raising people and teaching kids and dealing with the problems that kids present, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A lot of people that just... | ||
| Here's another thing that's going on today. | ||
| People think they can have a kid and then have careers, too, and everyone has a career. | ||
| The mom has a career, the dad has a career, everybody has a career. | ||
| You ditch the kid. | ||
| When are you watching the kid? | ||
| Who's paying attention to the kid? | ||
| I went to a party, and I've talked about this on the podcast before, this one little kid was just running around hitting everybody and doing... | ||
| The parents are inside drinking. | ||
| They were in the party drinking. | ||
| And the kid's out there with the other kids. | ||
| And then finally the guy comes out and apologizes. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| He's a good kid. | ||
| I'm like, he's not a good kid. | ||
| Like, he's hit three kids. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I told him what the kid did. | ||
| He goes, he never did that. | ||
| I go, I saw him do that. | ||
| Watched your son be an asshole. | ||
| And the guy's like, I said I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm like, oh my God, I want to kill you. | ||
| Like, do you understand? | ||
| I want to grab your neck and choke the life out of you. | ||
| I'm containing myself, you fucking cunt. | ||
| Yeah, so I get into putting those. | ||
| But I keep it cool. | ||
| I keep it cool out. | ||
| How do you do it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because I practice murder on a daily basis. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I just murder a punching bag or I run out pills. | ||
| I get it out of my system. | ||
| Bert just told me this story about you exercising such calm. | ||
| You and Tate. | ||
| And that guy with his shirt off. | ||
| That was trying to get into your hotel room. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And I would have fucking... | ||
| I don't know what I would have done. | ||
| You know, that's the other thing. | ||
| Well, that guy wound up being unconscious. | ||
| Yeah, because Tate put him to sleep, right? | ||
| Yeah, Tate choked him unconscious. | ||
| But Tate was nice to him. | ||
| He could have taken his life. | ||
| That guy was a real piece of shit. | ||
| He was a big giant dude. | ||
| He was like 6'6", and he was a bully. | ||
| And he thought, you know, because he was so tall, he thought the people were scared of him. | ||
| But... | ||
| You know, he fucked with the wrong guy in Tate. | ||
| First of all, a guy who's been arrested, been around bad people his whole life, been in numerous street fights, was a professional fighter, was on the Ultimate Fighter, was a black belt in Jiu Jitsu. | ||
| I mean, everything was wrong. | ||
| And Tate was trying to be calm with the guy. | ||
| And the way Tate handled it, they fought in a hotel lobby right in front of the elevator. | ||
| And the guy was pounding on his door saying, you're in my fucking room. | ||
| The guy was just a cunt. | ||
| And Tate was like, no, look, my key works here. | ||
| It's definitely my room. | ||
| And he shuts the door on me. | ||
| He goes, hey, you fucking faggot. | ||
| You think you can get away with shutting this fucking door? | ||
| He goes, open this fucking door. | ||
| I told you you're in my room. | ||
| And then we all went outside. | ||
| It was me and Eddie Bravo and Tate. | ||
| We're looking at this guy and we're looking at his friend and we're trying to figure out how we're gonna do this. | ||
| Like, this has to be dealt with. | ||
| Like, this is not a guy that's gonna go away. | ||
| He was a big, drunk, dumb guy. | ||
| And Tate decides the way to handle it is, you know, there's a bunch of words being exchanged. | ||
| So Tate decides He kicks the guy in the leg, and then he grabs him and pulls him on top of him. | ||
| So the guy, like, literally has no idea, like, why he's doing this. | ||
| So he buckles. | ||
| He kicks his leg, grabs him, and pulls him on top of him, and pulls him into what's called a guard, you know, like in jiu-jitsu, and then wraps him up in something called an omoplata, which is a shoulder lock. | ||
| So he throws, I mean, this is all instantaneous. | ||
| Kick, pull, whap! | ||
| Throws his shoulder over him. | ||
| Then the security guards show up. | ||
| The security guards show up and they go, hey, hey, hey, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| And I go, relax. | ||
| I go, everything's going to be fine. | ||
| He's just going to choke him to sleep. | ||
| And the security guard goes, Joe Rogan? | ||
| Are you Joe Rogan? | ||
| Holy shit, man, what are you doing here? | ||
| While I said this, like he's just going to choke him to sleep, Tate goes, all right, I guess I'm going to choke him to sleep now. | ||
| So I mean, this is all happening within seconds. | ||
| Tate sinks a rear naked choke on this guy and just squeezes him unconscious. | ||
| Gets off of him. | ||
| Doesn't hurt the guy at all. | ||
| Doesn't hit him. | ||
| All he does is kick his leg out from under him, take him down, choke him unconscious. | ||
| The guy, his friend, picks his friend up and I go, get your fucking cunt friend and sober him up and get him out of here. | ||
| And he's lucky nothing happened. | ||
| And he's like, I'm sorry, man. | ||
| My friend's a piece of shit. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| His friend picks his friend up. | ||
| The guy's like delirious. | ||
| They push him in an elevator. | ||
| Elevator door closes. | ||
| He disappears from life. | ||
| Never see him again. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| It's the end of it. | ||
| I take pictures with the fucking security guards. | ||
| They're smiling. | ||
| I go, it's fine. | ||
| I go, he's a drunk asshole. | ||
| Do you think we should call the cops? | ||
| I go, no. | ||
| I go, that guy's humiliated. | ||
| I go, unless he comes back. | ||
| If he comes back, he's gonna get fucked up. | ||
| But right now, everything's fine. | ||
| Don't call the cops. | ||
| So they're laughing and everyone's laughing. | ||
| We took a couple pictures together, went back in the room, got some dinner, and we were laughing. | ||
| Yeah, but when that dad is in your face at the party, that exercise that calm, that's again, that's the thing that I struggle with. | ||
| When Mike Costa is on stage, and I'm being completely honest, again, this is how I feel, and it's just something that takes over, and I can't help but say, hey, your son is hitting that guy. | ||
| This is not cool. | ||
| This is not okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Parents don't watch their kids, and then their kids are just complete assholes. | ||
| Well, they go to parties, and they drink, and they leave the kids outside, and these particular parents, they don't watch the kid ever. | ||
| This is what they're famous for, apparently, in their group. | ||
| They just don't watch this kid. | ||
| They don't want to be parents. | ||
| They became parents in their 40s. | ||
| They didn't really plan it out. | ||
| I don't know if the parents get along. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But the whole thing looks like a disaster. | ||
| And the kid's a little monster. | ||
| And they just are not disciplining him, paying attention. | ||
| He literally went out and talked to the kid and there was some commotion going on where people complained about the kid hitting somebody. | ||
| He talked to the kid and then he high-fived him. | ||
| And then the kid went back to doing it again. | ||
| I mean literally he went back inside to drink the kid went back outside again So at the end of the night when this guy apologized to me Like it the kid was doing it all night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go. | |
| Hey, man. | ||
| Your kid is really aggressive He's like, I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm sorry about the kid. | ||
| I go your kid is really aggressive. | ||
| No, he's a good kid I go look he hit three people. | ||
| I saw him hit people. | ||
| I saw him push a kid and call him a loser I go he said fucking six and he's doing this he goes that never happened I'm like I understand consequences. | ||
| This is why I bite my tongue. | ||
| I understand the actual consequences of smacking this guy in his fucking mouth, which is what I wanted to do. | ||
| Of course, if there was no consequences to doing anything, and I didn't think of him as a person, I didn't think of him as a guy who just never raised a kid before, hasn't really thought about it well, has a big career, probably busy all the time, wife's busy all the time, just not doing a good job, raising a little monster. | ||
| Drinking to try to drown out the fact. | ||
| Who knows why? | ||
| Drinking because he doesn't like being married, drinking because he doesn't like being a dad, drinking because he doesn't like being sober. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know the guy. | ||
| But in that moment when he's looking at me and going, that never happened. | ||
| The fucking sheer ignorance and incompetence and irresponsibility. | ||
| It was just so infuriating. | ||
| Because I watch my kids like a... | ||
| I watch them. | ||
| I talk to them. | ||
| I communicate with them. | ||
| I didn't have a good childhood. | ||
| So for me, it's important to be a good dad and to spend as much time as I can communicating with them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, explaining shit. | |
| Explaining shit. | ||
| Talking to them. | ||
| Treating them like I'm not just their dad, but also I'm their friend and I care about them. | ||
| My wife is a first grade teacher and she's becoming an educational therapist right now. | ||
| And so I'm like living with just the master at consequences. | ||
| Like if you don't eat in our house or decide you don't like broccoli, nothing else is coming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good. | |
| Kitchen is closed. | ||
| And that's when people create monsters when they cater to them so much. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| And that's when your kid only eats fucking rice. | ||
| I have a friend and he keeps feeding his fucking kid sugar. | ||
| This kid just eats nothing but sugar all day. | ||
| He goes, he doesn't eat. | ||
| He doesn't eat. | ||
| I go, what do you mean he doesn't eat? | ||
| He's always eating cookies. | ||
| It's because he won't eat his food. | ||
| I gotta feed him something. | ||
| I go, no, dude, you gotta tell him you can't eat the cookies. | ||
| You got food. | ||
| You got actual food. | ||
| This fucking kid is just eating nothing but candy. | ||
| I mean, it's bananas. | ||
| He's always got a soda in his hand, and he's six. | ||
| He's fucking six, and he's drinking a full Coke. | ||
| Like, you go over to the house, the kid has a root beer. | ||
| We saw these kids, we were on a flight, and saw these two parents sit in first class, And then come back and check. | ||
| We didn't know what was going on. | ||
| They put the kid in coach. | ||
| They put three next to each other in coach. | ||
| These motherfuckers! | ||
| I know. | ||
| Crazy, right? | ||
| And then everybody else has to deal with their kid. | ||
| They gave each of them iPads. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And then the waitress, the waitress, the stewardess comes by and she looks at these three kids and looks around for who they're with and the one that was... | ||
| How old are the kids? | ||
| I'm telling you, eight is the oldest one. | ||
| Eight, maybe six, and four, three, just in a row. | ||
| Oh, Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And the oldest one goes, three sprites! | |
| Three sprites! | ||
| This is a red-eye. | ||
| This is an overnight flight. | ||
| They're on iPads like just animals, just go... | ||
| Don't stop trying to win something. | ||
| We're sort of laughing at first, but everybody in our family wants to go to sleep. | ||
| Everybody's exhausted from being out all day. | ||
| This was a while ago. | ||
| I'll never be on this flight again. | ||
| No red eyes for me. | ||
| Oh, they're horrible. | ||
| They fuck you up for days. | ||
| Two days afterwards, you're fucked. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Try to do anything in your power to avoid a red eye. | ||
| Also try to do everything in your power to avoid... | ||
| If you can fly non-stop, that's what we're doing. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| So, they get in a fight after a while. | ||
| The kids start fighting. | ||
| Because they're all hopped up on sugar and they've been staring at the screen. | ||
| So then they start fighting. | ||
| And I think the mom or dad hears, or somebody has to tap them to get up. | ||
| And me and my wife are like... | ||
| This is not okay. | ||
| It's just not... | ||
| Nothing was said. | ||
| Because, again, we just want to mind our own business, ideally. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Again, ideally everyone minds their own business. | ||
| This is a new world, though. | ||
| This world of electronic babysitters and the world of putting the kids and coach and you go into first class, like ignoring kids. | ||
| And it's these career people. | ||
| There's a lot of people that, look, their career requires all their time. | ||
| They justify it by going, look, someone's got to make the money in this household so we can keep up this lifestyle. | ||
| And so they're out there fucking grinding all day. | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| Who's raising me? | ||
| Full circle to my dad passing away is that every single weekend, and this is why I bought that FJ-62 Land Cruiser, because every single weekend we went on a little family trip. | ||
| And I looked at myself, and we'd go on family vacations and stuff, but the amount of time that my family really spent together... | ||
| Like, a mom and a dad, like, he would take us to Yosemite. | ||
| He would take us up the coast to Mendocino. | ||
| We'd go to Marin or Stinson Beach and all these places. | ||
| Even to Golden Gate Park. | ||
| Like, he would just take us places. | ||
| Little adventures, you know? | ||
| And so, I feel like we need to... | ||
| I get caught up in work. | ||
| Working because, you know, just non-stop. | ||
| And I gotta take a step back and really spend as much time as I possibly can. | ||
| So, after that happened, this is June. | ||
| This is almost a year ago. | ||
| I just really try to trim back. | ||
| I go to every single volleyball game. | ||
| I go to every practice I possibly can. | ||
| You know, and just force yourself to say, this is not, it doesn't matter that much. | ||
| Because you look at all these deathbed, that's why I started looking at all these deathbed regrets. | ||
| Those are a bunch of lists that are out there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Too much time spent at work. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not enough time spent with people that I love. | ||
| You know, and you look at all these things, it's like, fuck it. | ||
| I'm not having any of these regrets. | ||
| So that's what I'm thinking. | ||
| I start looking at the real estate and trying to look at getting away, you know, just really checking out. | ||
| And that's why I'm trying to hustle and make as much money as I can. | ||
| And kids are out of the house. | ||
| Where are you going to go? | ||
| That's what I'm checking into. | ||
| That's why I know a lot about Cambria. | ||
| Big Sur. | ||
| Big Sur. | ||
| One of those places I can go up there and you're away and just live on the coast and then be able to come back. | ||
| If I get an acting gig, I love acting. | ||
| I really enjoy it. | ||
| I love writing, too. | ||
| I luckily had some success recently as a comedy writer. | ||
| And... | ||
| It's one of the CBS people. | ||
| I was trying to match up with the Latino showrunner. | ||
| And two years ago, they go, no, no, that's you. | ||
| You're going to be that guy. | ||
| And there aren't really any, but we're grooming you to be that. | ||
| And I wrote two big scripts. | ||
| And then with that business background, I have the ability to sort of do that. | ||
| I like working with people. | ||
| And I just think I could staff up and do all that shit. | ||
| So I could see myself splitting my time, keeping a little house in L.A. And then having a place in Cambria or Santa Barbara and just fucking... | ||
| Go back and forth. | ||
| Santa Barbara's easy. | ||
| It's only an hour. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hour and ten. | ||
| Just live on the beach and have, you know... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A blue healer. | ||
| Well, also just be able to sit back and watch the ocean. | ||
| Just calm yourself. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And that's what, again, fucking Ari Shaffir said that when he was walking on a beach and he needed to walk to a restaurant 40 minutes... | ||
| That he had this feeling in his head that, oh, I need to be doing something right now. | ||
| And that he needed to curb that, and he needed to just watch the waves. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| Not think about it. | ||
| And that's what I have is the problem I have. | ||
| When you try to meditate, people have said there's a river of 20,000 thoughts that you get just non-stop. | ||
| I've been waking up every single night at 2 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| Every night? | ||
| Not every night, but four or five nights a week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Different reasons? | ||
| Different thoughts? | ||
| And then just thinking about stuff non-stop. | ||
| Well, you see, you're saying to me two different contradictory things. | ||
| You're saying that you want peace, and you want calm, and then you're saying you want to start running shows. | ||
| And then you're saying you want to start having multiple careers. | ||
| I want to be able to work, come into town, do a gig. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| You can't be a showrunner. | ||
| Work on a thing for like... | ||
| See, the show that I'm on is ten episodes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And we worked on that for five months. | ||
| And then I wanted to do nothing else. | ||
| Right, but you know that when you work on a show, you're working 16-hour days. | ||
| Like, if you want to be a showrunner for a successful show, the amount of time that's required to actually make something take off is massive. | ||
| And you have to manage a bunch of different people and expectations. | ||
| But it's a portion of your year. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it'd be like working seasonal work, almost. | ||
| Right. | ||
| For me, that's the ideal version is to... | ||
| Act on a show that has an episode order and then go back to Santa Barbara and then do nothing. | ||
| It's not a bad idea. | ||
| And then come back and be able to just control your own work is really what I want to do. | ||
| You need the financial freedom to be able to do that. | ||
| And then those shows pay really well. | ||
| So I'm just trying to map out, and I don't have the answer. | ||
| I'm thinking, and this is certainly not something I'm doing right now, but again, when you work seasonally, then you can really take some time to just hang out and read on a deck and make dinner. | ||
| And that's your go shop for an individual meal every day or go and fish and do shit like that. | ||
| Yeah, you seem like you're longing for this idealistic view of peace and quiet while pursuing chaos. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're very contradictory. | ||
| Do you understand what I'm saying? | ||
| Oh, totally. | ||
| Well, this is something I promised myself. | ||
| I was going to bust my ass until I was 50 and I'm about to turn 46 and then just take it as it comes. | ||
| When realistically I should just take it as it comes right now and not... | ||
| I hustle really hard, you know. | ||
| Ten things going on. | ||
| Yeah, it's a weird balancing act, trying to figure out how to manage your life for ultimate happiness. | ||
| And then sometimes, like, the real ultimate happiness comes after you've had struggle. | ||
| Like, you only really appreciate sunlight if you get a lot of rain. | ||
| Like, I went to Prince of Wales Island in Alaska for six days once, and we were up there camping. | ||
| It's fucking miserable, pouring rain every day. | ||
| But when I came back to L.A., God damn, I was happy. | ||
| The sunlight felt so good. | ||
| I mean, it felt, it's like the sunlight's out there right now. | ||
| It doesn't feel like shit. | ||
| I get in my car. | ||
| God, it's hot. | ||
| I drive off. | ||
| I don't appreciate it. | ||
| But when I came back from Alaska, I really fucking appreciated it. | ||
| And I feel like some amount of the peace and quiet that we seek and we enjoy, you're only going to appreciate if you struggle. | ||
| Like, you're only gonna appreciate, like, real relaxation, feet up at the beach, if you've been busting your ass. | ||
| For me, what I think, a tremendous amount of... | ||
| Calm comes from is, and this is, I don't know, you can tell me, is just financial freedom. | ||
| Like I don't have a house payment hanging over my head and I don't have all this stuff that I'm just worried about. | ||
| And I tend to worry a lot about that stuff. | ||
| That's why I work my ass off. | ||
| Like I really want to just, and I'm overcomplicating my life. | ||
| But I am, and you see me, I'm a happy guy, but I just, when you're waking up in the middle of the night at 2 o'clock in the morning, thinking about all the shit that you have to do, you have to pare some stuff down. | ||
| Yeah, there's that for sure. | ||
| When you're financially free, it removes a gigantic burden. | ||
| I remember my first development deal. | ||
| That was the first thing I felt. | ||
| I got a development deal way back in the 90s. | ||
| And the first thing that happened, they sent me this big fat check, and all of a sudden I felt lighter. | ||
| Like something like I took a backpack off filled with rocks. | ||
| Like, now I knew that I could pay my bills. | ||
| For the foreseeable future, I was gonna be able to pay my bills for the next, like, more than a year if I wanted to. | ||
| Do nothing! | ||
| Sit back for a year and live the way I'm living, I'd have no problem paying my bills. | ||
| And, uh, it was a very tangible feeling, like, okay. | ||
| Now that I have this momentum, I've got to keep this going because I don't ever want to go back to that feeling of not being able to pay my bills. | ||
| Because that's the real struggle. | ||
| The real struggle is like financial independence. | ||
| Once you become financially independent, then there's levels to it. | ||
| You know, like you want to have one of those Montecito houses or have a fucking private jet or you want to get crazier and crazier and crazier. | ||
| You're just overly complicating yourself. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's like the assistant thing. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's because, so I feel like this level right here, so I'm living in the house that I want to live in. | ||
| I'm not... | ||
| I'm never moving. | ||
| We're good. | ||
| In terms of the L.A., sort of raising my kids' house. | ||
| We're in a great little place... | ||
| Love it. | ||
| I live in Pasadena. | ||
| You have wildlife in your yard. | ||
| You send me pictures of deer in your yard. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| There's deer, coyotes, you know, and all kinds of stuff. | ||
| Bobcat jumped out behind me the other day. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| There's bears in Pasadena. | ||
| Do you know that? | ||
| They jump into people's pools. | ||
| Only in those black neighborhoods. | ||
| Racist. | ||
| Black bears, too. | ||
| How weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| I'm cool. | ||
| I don't need to fly private. | ||
| I'm sure that's nice. | ||
| I have no aspirations. | ||
| Again, I just want to live comfortably. | ||
| But once you fly in first class, It's difficult to go sit by the bathroom in between two other people. | ||
| So there's certain luxuries that I want to be able to afford. | ||
| But again, I just want to chill out, hang out in the backyard, have a drink with my wife, and fucking have people over and barbecue. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's all I'm after. | ||
| That's totally doable. | ||
| If you can be content with that, that's very peaceful and that's a great thing. | ||
| And then also getting satisfaction out of creating stuff and making stuff and working at the same time. | ||
| And even if it's shit that this guy that I bought this house from left me his table saw. | ||
| And all a bunch of wood. | ||
| Is he making furniture? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Are you making furniture? | ||
| I'm not doing anything with it. | ||
| Are you thinking about doing something with it? | ||
| I'm thinking about, like, I gotta use this stuff. | ||
| Do you know how to use a table saw? | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, learn. | ||
| Don't cut your fucking fingers off. | ||
| No, never. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I was like, just no thumbs. | ||
| No. | ||
| What are you going to make? | ||
| He left some birdhouse stuff there. | ||
| I just want to be the old man that tinkers and makes shelves and stuff like that for people. | ||
| My dad was an artist and my uncle John is an artist. | ||
| And, you know, put together these sculptures with all wood and he was like a very skilled carpenter. | ||
| So I always like looked at those guys thinking I got to do this shit. | ||
| And I just want to like, yeah, there's a bunch of shit I like to do like that. | ||
| Like I want to tinker. | ||
| I want to fly fish. | ||
| Fly fishing is fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See? | |
| I used to fly fish a lot. | ||
| There's a casting thing in the Arroyo in Pasadena where there's a Arroyo casting club where it's all these old men just practicing. | ||
| Where do they fly fishing in Pasadena? | ||
| Is there a river there? | ||
| No, there's a whole place where it's like they've... | ||
| It's just a body of water where they... | ||
| Oh, just like a little pond? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, so then they go out, they take trips to places? | ||
| Yeah, they'll go out and they'll go to the Sierra and... | ||
| I was in Bozeman this summer, Bozeman, Montana, and we went by this place where all these people were fly fishing, and it made me so excited. | ||
| I'm like, God, I want to go back and do that. | ||
| But it was weird because they catch and release. | ||
| And I was like, okay, now you're weirding me out. | ||
| Because you're just putting a hole in that fish's face, and you're letting them back. | ||
| Like, this is kind of fucked up. | ||
| My buddy, Daily Show guy, just went to Russia to go fly fishing. | ||
| He's super into it. | ||
| And he bought a place in upstate New York that has a river right by it. | ||
| He's in it all the time. | ||
| That's what he goes up for. | ||
| Well, if you can do like a place where you can catch the fish and eat it, god damn, on the shore, if you have a little cast iron frying pan, make a little campfire and have some shore lunch, oh, it's so delicious. | ||
| See, for me, that is the sort of ultimate, hanging out with my wife, having a glass of wine, doing that, reading, and then going to bed. | ||
| But do you really want to do it, or do you like the romantic idea of doing it? | ||
| We're going to fucking find out. | ||
| But right now, it's just the romantic idea of doing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, totally. | |
| Yeah, but I do like going, we've gone away in a couple times, like, my kids are just at the point where they went away for a sleepover, and this only happened one time. | ||
| And me and my wife drove up into Altadena and heard about this hike that people do and took the dogs and went on this hike and we had a blast. | ||
| And I know that if I can mix in the proper amount of work and the proper amount of just chilling out, I'll love it. | ||
| I have three hammocks in my backyard that I don't use. | ||
| I barely land them. | ||
| Yeah, so this is what I'm getting out of you. | ||
| I'm getting that you're thinking about this romantic idea of relaxation and peace and quiet. | ||
| Look at RVs constantly. | ||
| Look at vacation homes nonstop. | ||
| But meanwhile, you're also planning on doing a bunch of shows and being an executive producer and a showrunner and a writer and a stand-up performer and you're acting and... | ||
| Yeah, I got a ton of shit going on. | ||
| And you're yelling at people. | ||
| Yelling at people unnecessarily. | ||
| Talking about eventually getting to a cognitive therapist and eventually starting meditation. | ||
| It's like you have this idea that you- Just do it now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, you should have already done it. | ||
| All these things you should have already done. | ||
| So this is the problem with me is money. | ||
| Okay, so the ATC I don't do for any money. | ||
| I've put nothing but money in, so that's not about money at all. | ||
| So that's starting like I started my stand-up career. | ||
| Eventually, that'll be great. | ||
| I know it will. | ||
| It takes a lot of work, but that's just... | ||
| What is the idea behind it? | ||
| All Things Comedy, by the way. | ||
| All Things Comedy is... | ||
| Me and Bill came up with the idea that comedians should own and distribute all of their own content. | ||
| When I first showed up in LA, I worked on a TV show with Cheech from Cheech and Chong, who told me to do two things. | ||
| He goes, be nice to every single person you meet out in the public. | ||
| Every busboy who's going to have the Cheech is an asshole story if you're a dick to anybody, so try to be nice to as many people as you can. | ||
| And then he goes, also, you want to own every single piece of content you ever put out there. | ||
| And he goes, I owned all the movies and I owned all the albums. | ||
| So every single day there's all this mailbox money. | ||
| But as comedians, everybody's starting all these podcasts. | ||
| And this is 2010. So we do all the paperwork. | ||
| We finally get the company. | ||
| And we take a big chunk of the company. | ||
| And we say, okay, everyone that participates in this network, this is the board of directors, Tom Segura, Bert Kreischer, Hari Shafir, Dave Anthony, myself, Bill Burr. | ||
| And we help guide this place in the right direction. | ||
| So when a new comic wants to come on, all of us sort of go, do we want this person on now? | ||
| For example, John Reap and Sarah Tiana are going to start a podcast. | ||
| I approached... | ||
| John Reap called me and I talked to Sarah and put them together. | ||
| Felipe Esparza saw that no Latinos are doing podcasts. | ||
| I know Felipe's fucking hilarious. | ||
| And instead of being all alike to the other Latino comedians or competitive, I was like, Felipe, you've got to do a fucking podcast. | ||
| And he started one called What's Up, Fool? | ||
| Does Great. | ||
| And it's helped out as numbers and everything like that. | ||
| So we all collectively own this company together that distributes our content. | ||
| So this content starts with podcasts, but then eventually we're going to start our own studio. | ||
| We are redoing our website right now. | ||
| We are going to start selling our own TV shows. | ||
| Bert did a cooking show called Something's Burning with fucking... | ||
| Tom and Bill watching. | ||
| The most unsanitary chef you've ever seen in your entire fucking life. | ||
| I heard he was playing with his nose. | ||
| He was touching his nose. | ||
| While he was cooking. | ||
| And Bill's like, can you touch your nose one more time? | ||
| I'm not going to eat any of that shit. | ||
| No one's going to eat that shit. | ||
| And they're fucking yelling at each other while they're cooking. | ||
| And Bert just dumped a bunch of oil down the sink. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're making that. | ||
| And we shot for an hour and Tom and Bill were hunched over laughing. | ||
| I was in the back just cracking up because I couldn't believe what I was watching. | ||
| What are you doing with it? | ||
| That should be a show. | ||
| Is it on anything right now? | ||
| So it's going to be on ATC.com or we're going to sell it as an individual thing. | ||
| But you did it a long time ago. | ||
| No, we just shot it. | ||
| This was like three weeks. | ||
| A couple months ago. | ||
| Three weeks ago. | ||
| Yeah, two weeks ago, three weeks. | ||
| Not two weeks ago. | ||
| Three, four weeks ago. | ||
| And you just haven't edited it? | ||
| They're editing it right now. | ||
| They're just putting it together. | ||
| So do you have a group of editors and stuff? | ||
| So we partner with this company called Soapbox Films that has 15 editors, animators, all these people on staff. | ||
| So when you come by, you'll see that we have two full stages. | ||
| We have a green screen, white psych. | ||
| You have color corrections, sound mixing studios. | ||
| And then they gave us... | ||
| Our podcast studio, two different offices, and then other meeting rooms as part of an investment in us. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So anyway, but everybody owns everything. | ||
| We have ATC Records that, again, I haven't had the time. | ||
| We're just staffing up right now because we took on a little bit of money. | ||
| You took on money? | ||
| You mean you got investors? | ||
| Yeah, we got investors. | ||
| Somebody's given us a million bucks. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So the idea behind it is you're kind of acting as a network. | ||
| We're going to turn it into our own network. | ||
| It's going to be like United Artists, and when the shows sell, it's going to be full transparency. | ||
| When, let's say, something's burning, goes up, and people start buying it, Bert is going to look at his back end and know exactly, you know, the money has to be recouped, and then, you know... | ||
| The money is split. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| He'll just get access. | ||
| Like, Burt will own that. | ||
| If there's a TV show that gets made out of that and it becomes popular... | ||
| And is the idea behind it that there's strength in numbers? | ||
| Yeah, we all really help each other out, too. | ||
| Like, if, for example, I get the special coming out, everyone's going to help me get behind it. | ||
| When Burt's special comes out, everybody, you know, goes crazy. | ||
| We all sort of do that anyway. | ||
| Yeah, we all do that anyway. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| But this is a collection. | ||
| This is like... | ||
| This is an association of comics working together to promote each other. | ||
| And so, like, if you guys have a podcast on the All Things Comedy label, everyone knows, well, this is going to be pretty high quality because a bunch of comedians are... | ||
| It's going to be a better show. | ||
| We're going to rein that in a little bit, like you said. | ||
| But for the most part, we have a lot of people contacting us, and it's all a community of our peers that we all really like and... | ||
| Are you enjoying that or is that bringing you extra stress? | ||
| It brings me a little extra stress because I put some money in. | ||
| It's definitely something I'm looking at getting to a point and empowering other people who have some other comics coming in to help me. | ||
| We work on creative stuff. | ||
| But is it making money? | ||
| Or is it... | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So we just, you know, we haven't put out any of our TV shows yet. | ||
| I mean, I hope to have TV shows on the air. | ||
| It's like Funny or Die makes money off branded. | ||
| I got to have companies come to us and want scripts written, and I was able to give... | ||
| Gigs to guys I knew on The Daily Show where they get paid $45,000 to write a script for a corporation. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And all those types of gigs, we can serve as the agency for that. | ||
| I can match Tom Papa up with a company so he can write their ad copy just to bring him extra side money. | ||
| We can... | ||
| Do branded content, integrated marketing and all that shit and have the comedians own the company that does that. | ||
| Comedians are responsible for so much fucking content. | ||
| It's books, it's TV shows, it's movies. | ||
| It's just like you think about these comics are producing so much great shit that why shouldn't all the comics have a company that distributes all that stuff? | ||
| Well, it's interesting because there's a bunch of groups that are coming along right now that are trying to capitalize on podcasting. | ||
| And one of the things that's fascinating, I had a conversation with A friend of ours who's got a podcast and his agency or his management company that suck. | ||
| Now are telling him they want a piece of the podcast. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| And for the longest time, they were telling him he was wasting his time doing a podcast. | ||
| And they were saying, you need to worry about getting a scripted show, getting a this and a that. | ||
| And he was like, I really think that there's something in podcasts. | ||
| So they were negative. | ||
| And they were criticizing his efforts. | ||
| And now they want a piece of it. | ||
| And he's baffled. | ||
| And he doesn't know what to do. | ||
| I'm like, you've got to leave them. | ||
| You've got to leave them. | ||
| Absolutely not. | ||
| Yeah, they're not doing anything for you. | ||
| Yeah, haven't talked to me. | ||
| There's no sense, and you're doing it. | ||
| It's like, this is something, just like your stand-up career, that you really don't, now because of the technology, you don't need an intro to the establishment. | ||
| When you're a young stand-up comedian, you need a manager and an agent to usher you into the established group of people. | ||
| Decision makers. | ||
| Right. | ||
| When you're a podcaster and your podcast becomes popular, it's you and a room and that microphone and the people that listen. | ||
| And there's really, because you're putting out a good product, you don't need somebody to tell you, like, it's okay to do it or you're going to be on this network. | ||
| Like, it doesn't matter. | ||
| You can do it by yourself. | ||
| And that's another thing that I encourage all people to do. | ||
| And this is why I'm able to, like... | ||
| Even though I'm stressed out. | ||
| I wake up in the middle of the night. | ||
| There's a lot of contradictory shit going on, and I'm looking at vacation homes. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I fucking love doing what I'm doing. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| Well, that's great. | ||
| I love doing stand-up. | ||
| I love the acting. | ||
| I love it all. | ||
| And to follow your bliss, you know, and to really... | ||
| I was firing people, and like you said, you have to be up in the rain to appreciate the sunshine. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| That's where I was when I was working for somebody else, even though that somebody else was my parents. | ||
| And so I got down into stand-up. | ||
| I'm like, look at all this great shit. | ||
| Even writing jokes are free for Tim Allen. | ||
| I didn't have to do that. | ||
| I love doing all this stuff. | ||
| And so I'm really thrilled. | ||
| The people that we get to associate with and the people we get to meet and what happens when you do something you love, it all just sort of comes together. | ||
| So, I feel very fortunate that way that I get to do all this shit. | ||
| And even though I need to say no and I need to pare it down, I'm still having a fucking blast. | ||
| Well, it's good that you're having a blast, but my advice to you is just do all those things that you're talking about. | ||
| Like, especially do all those things as far as, like, meditation. | ||
| Do all those things, like, whatever the cognitive therapy issue that you have to deal with. | ||
| Just go do that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you talk about it too much. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Yeah, like, you and I have had, like... | ||
| 30 conversations about your temper? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, over like 10 years? | ||
| Like, that's crazy. | ||
| And nothing's changed. | ||
| It's less. | ||
| Because you've gotten more and more aware of it, right? | ||
| I'm totally aware of it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been so cool. | ||
| There has not been an incident in a while. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Except that other night with Steve-O. Well, that was a long time ago. | |
| Okay. | ||
| That was a long time ago. | ||
| The other night, we were talking about the person that got an applause break. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That was last week. | ||
| That's just fucking me being an asshole. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| And again, also, you know me for a long time. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| It's also you caring about comedy. | ||
| It's me really caring too much about comedy. | ||
| It's me being, again, sacrificing a lot to do what I'm doing and then seeing other people just trying to fucking take advantage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, I love the idea of all things comedy, but I don't want to do anything like that myself. | ||
| It seems to me like, God, you're invested in yourself and a whole bunch of other people's problems. | ||
| You know, what I've kind of done is form a network without having an actual network. | ||
| Whereas all the people that I'm friends with, whether it's Tom or Joey or Duncan, I help them. | ||
| I promote them just by just doing it. | ||
| I don't want any... | ||
| I don't want any financial connection to it. | ||
| You know, I don't even have a fucking contract with my manager. | ||
| We've been together for so long. | ||
| I don't either. | ||
| Our contract came up, and I go, I don't need a contract. | ||
| Do you need a contract? | ||
| He's like, no. | ||
| I'm like, good. | ||
| Shook hands, gave him a hug. | ||
| So we don't have to fucking nonsense, legal shit. | ||
| I'm never leaving him. | ||
| I've been with him since I was an open-miker. | ||
| I'm not going anywhere. | ||
| And that's also, when we shot that Bert thing again, there's no contract. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Shake hands. | ||
| Again, I would die before I fucked anybody over. | ||
| I really would die. | ||
| And so there's no contracts with us. | ||
| We're going to put that out there, whether it's for free or whatever. | ||
| We're going to start making shit. | ||
| And the most important thing is you're having a good time. | ||
| Having a great time. | ||
| That's the most important thing. | ||
| Hunched over laughing. | ||
| Couldn't stop. | ||
| Isn't that like the best part about this whole thing is that you get a chance to hang out with comics. | ||
| You get a chance to have a good time. | ||
| And the more you do that, the better stuff you put out. | ||
| The more you're in that vibe, in that group of humans. | ||
| Just having a good time. | ||
| You're putting out those good vibes. | ||
| You're getting them back. | ||
| Everybody's producing good stuff. | ||
| Again, I can't stress enough to people listening and just finding that thing that you really like to do and doing it is so fucking important. | ||
| I don't know what it is, but if you've had something itching at you, because that's the thing with my parents' family business and even knowing I wanted... | ||
| I knew I wanted to be a stand-up comic forever. | ||
| And it took me a while to figure it out. | ||
| So that's when I come down here and I'm racing around like really trying to cram it all in or whatever is behind it. | ||
| But I just wish that's a regret I do have. | ||
| I just started earlier. | ||
| How old were you when you started standing up? | ||
| 28. Yeah, I was 21. It's one of those things though, man. | ||
| I mean, Robert Schimmel started when he was 36. You start whenever you start. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it doesn't matter. | ||
| And I think oftentimes whatever extra life that you have before you start is probably going to help you. | ||
| Because when I started, I was a baby. | ||
| You know, I didn't know shit about life. | ||
| Yeah, when I did start, I was doing sales and shit like that. | ||
| I was calm and cool on stage. | ||
| You've met life. | ||
| You've met life. | ||
| You've hung out with life. | ||
| You've been there. | ||
| You got down in nitty gritty. | ||
| I went essentially a couple years out of high school. | ||
| I became a comic. | ||
| You know, and I was out there doing the life. | ||
| I've never done anything but. | ||
| You know, I've done a bunch of shit along with it. | ||
| But if there was ever, like, a question, someone said, oh, you have to quit everything except one thing. | ||
| What's it gonna be? | ||
| I'm like, pfft, that's easy. | ||
| Stand up. | ||
| Everything else can go fuck itself. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Without a doubt. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Because that's the thing, as a stand-up comic, we just always have this, the skills to go out, earn a living. | ||
| For all Jay Leno's faults, he has said some pretty great stuff about... | ||
| There's a book called Comic Insights by Franklin Ajay, where he used to teach this at UCLA. And if you go through his interviews with Richard Jenny and Chris Rock and Jay Leno, and Jay Leno says it takes you seven years... | ||
| It's like a law degree. | ||
| It takes you seven years to get your law degree, and then it takes you another seven years to be a good lawyer. | ||
| And then it takes you seven years to sort of figure out who you are as a comic, and then another seven years to be a great comic. | ||
| So around year 14, 15, you really start hitting your stride because you're great at it. | ||
| You're getting better at it. | ||
| To do that at around seven years, he goes, you can start making a living. | ||
| You can start really... | ||
| You can quit your day job and really start making a fine living for your family. | ||
| He goes, you can make at least like 70 to... | ||
| This is a long time ago, like 70 grand a year. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's great living. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could live... | ||
| I've had a bunch of comics on the road that's just living in Indiana, fucking... | ||
| The house costs $180,000, a couple kids. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Totally happy. | ||
| It can be done. | ||
| No question. | ||
| And it's certainly better than doing something you don't want to do. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And for whatever, you know, the people that are listening to this and they're like, what is my thing? | ||
| It's got to be something, man. | ||
| It's got to be something. | ||
| It might be making canoes. | ||
| Who knows what the fuck it is? | ||
| I was so miserable doing that family business. | ||
| I started doing stained glass. | ||
| Stained glass is cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My dad did it. | ||
| And then I started doing... | ||
| I was looking for a thing. | ||
| I volunteered with the big brothers, big sisters. | ||
| I was just out there like really... | ||
| And this is, again, when I'm single and had the extra time to do anything. | ||
| This is when I'm out... | ||
| And I was just looking for it. | ||
| And then I knew if I turned 30 and I didn't try stand-up, because it had always been itching at me and people always told me I should do it, then I would never be able to live with myself. | ||
| So I forced myself to do it, even though I was sort of uncomfortable. | ||
| Well, this life is like this weird quick blip and it seems long when you're young. | ||
| But as you get older, I'm pushing 50. I'll be 50 this year. | ||
| It happens fast. | ||
| It happens very fast. | ||
| And if you're not doing what you want to do, it's not a fun time. | ||
| It's not a good feeling. | ||
| And we all know that person. | ||
| We all know that one person that's not doing what they want to do and it eats away at them all the time. | ||
| Instead of the people that you know that are fulfilled, that are doing things they enjoy, and they're working hard and they're pushing, but they get that good feeling out of it. | ||
| They're actually pursuing what they love. | ||
| They actually feel like they're making a difference in their life. | ||
| They're actually creating something or accomplishing something. | ||
| That's what you want to do, man. | ||
| That's the key to getting those good brain chemicals, those good feelings. | ||
| Having good people in your life, having good friends, being kind to people, enjoying your time in this life, and then doing that thing that is actually interesting to your personality and your mind. | ||
| It's so important. | ||
| And, yeah, taking a step away from work. | ||
| Again, those deathbed lists, you've got to look at these deathbeds. | ||
| I don't want to. | ||
| No? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Don't want to look at regret. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Yeah, I get it. | ||
| I work hard. | ||
| I know what I'm doing. | ||
| I mean, I'm no perfect person by any stretch of the imagination, but I don't need to look at regret. | ||
| I'm focused on that all the time. | ||
| I'm trying to focus on positive things. | ||
| I'm absolutely aware of the consequences. | ||
| You know, I've contemplated it enough. | ||
| It's just not... | ||
| I think you could spend enough time focusing on negative shit like what people should have done and it can fuck with your head. | ||
| Yeah, I just don't want to look up when I'm 70 and go, we're... | ||
| Don't. | ||
| You won't. | ||
| You won't. | ||
| I'm not gonna. | ||
| If I died tomorrow, I wouldn't. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| You just gotta keep going. | ||
| You just gotta keep enjoying it. | ||
| You know, and who knows what this thing really even is. | ||
| It's the weirdest thing about this life. | ||
| It's like, what is it? | ||
| I mean, we look at it in terms of this, like... | ||
| Sort of solidified structure of waking up with the alarm clock, getting in your car, driving to work. | ||
| Meanwhile, the entire time this is going on, you're a finite life form on a planet in an infinite universe. | ||
| I mean, all of it is preposterous from the beginning to the end. | ||
| All of it's ridiculous. | ||
| And the more you look into it and the more you really contemplate the absolute Just massive scale of this universe that we live in, the more it seems ridiculous. | ||
| And the little things that are keeping you up at night and waking you up at 2 o'clock in the morning, the anxiety. | ||
| Yeah, it's like insurance. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, it's ridiculous shit. | ||
| Ridiculous shit. | ||
| It's just a matter of perspective. | ||
| But I think it's also a matter of the human body. | ||
| I think the human body is designed to have a certain amount of stress, a certain amount of worries. | ||
| The reason why we survived is because we worried about predators or invaders and all these different things. | ||
| Those things don't exist anymore. | ||
| So we give ourselves issues. | ||
| We give ourselves problems. | ||
| And I think the way to mitigate that is to... | ||
| Exercise, both in a sense of like a physical sense, but also like almost in like a demonic exorcist. | ||
| Like get, exercise all that stress out of your body. | ||
| Like your body does not want to be like this overflowing battery of stress and tension and energy. | ||
| And when it is, it starts fucking with you to try to give you pressure and stress and give you like consequences for this anxiety. | ||
| Yeah, I just have this... | ||
| It's an insatiable drive that leads to that sort of debilitating stress and anxiety that I don't like. | ||
| So I think it's like what we're talking about, this is actually very helpful. | ||
| You know, I don't talk to anybody about this shit. | ||
| I just talked to a doctor about it for the first time. | ||
| Why are you talking to the whole world then? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Five million people are going to listen to this. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| All right, I'm working on it, everybody. | ||
| All right? | ||
| I know I'm an absolute mess. | ||
| If you listen this far, I'm- You're definitely not an absolute mess. | ||
| I'm working on it. | ||
| You, like all of us, have issues. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Everybody listening has issues. | ||
| There's no perfect people. | ||
| And I really, at this doctor's appointment, I just looked at it, and my wife is aware of all this. | ||
| And close friends are. | ||
| But I talked to this doctor for the first time. | ||
| I was talking to a complete stranger about it. | ||
| And all you people about it is very, very new. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| And people are always aware that, you know, everybody laughs at me. | ||
| Fucking stories of me telling people to go fuck off. | ||
| And they're funny. | ||
| Well, you know why it's funny? | ||
| You're not violent. | ||
| If you meet me, by the way, at the comedy store, and it's like, I really am the fucking nicest guy. | ||
| I am. | ||
| I'm a very nice dude. | ||
| But when pushed and pushed and pushed, I fucking lose my mind. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when I see that there's comedy injustice going on, I'm like, fuck that asshole. | ||
| Fuck that dick. | ||
| Yeah, because it's important to you. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Well, this is a consequence of all your ambition. | ||
| I mean, that's where all the stress is coming from. | ||
| It's a consequence of you, and it's also one of the reasons why you've been so successful, that you're constantly pushing and making things happen and getting things done. | ||
| But occasionally, you're going to spin your wheels. | ||
| I like to come back. | ||
| Like a complete person? | ||
| No, but improved. | ||
| That's not going to happen. | ||
| But the next time I come back on this show... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You're gonna, like... | ||
| Timeline. | ||
| There's gonna be a little timeline, actually. | ||
| Give me a timeline. | ||
| Oh! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Um... | |
| Shit. | ||
| I'm going on vacation. | ||
| A long vacation. | ||
| I used to flip out on vacation. | ||
| How long are you going on vacation for? | ||
| I'm gonna go away for ten days. | ||
| Is that a long time? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| On day three, I start getting fidgety. | ||
| Do you start feeling like you have work to do? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| I should be doing work. | ||
| If you go on vacation in Los Angeles, you will get a call to be in a movie. | ||
| You'll get a call to do all this other shit. | ||
| And that's always what happens to me. | ||
| See, I've gotten past that because I don't do anything anymore. | ||
| I just do podcast and stand-up. | ||
| And then ten times a year, and that's it. | ||
| I work for the UFC. That's all I brought. | ||
| I brought it down to ten times a year. | ||
| You're a very great spot. | ||
| Your spot... | ||
| Is the spot that a lot of us comics want to get to. | ||
| I mean, let's be honest. | ||
| You are able to do those things because you have, you know, worked and you put in a lot of time to that. | ||
| I mean, you working on talk radio and then working on... | ||
|
unidentified
|
News radio. | |
| News radio, sorry. | ||
| Newsradio, working on... | ||
| Fear Factor. | ||
| Fear Factor and all the UFC stuff. | ||
| Being a great comic has led to this. | ||
| You're able to be independent. | ||
| And that's fantastic. | ||
| I hope... | ||
| You definitely can. | ||
| The Fear Factor thing taught me a lot because it wasn't independent, and I didn't like doing it. | ||
| And it was a great job, and it was a lot of money, and I would definitely do it again. | ||
| But it taught me the consequences of doing something that you don't really enjoy. | ||
| I don't have a passion for it. | ||
| I love the people I worked with, and again, it was a great job. | ||
| I'm not complaining. | ||
| It's like, woe is me. | ||
| I had a TV gig that won 148 episodes. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's a crazy successful show. | ||
| It wasn't what I wanted it to do. | ||
| No. | ||
| So while I was doing it, it made me realize, like, okay, this is not the good feeling. | ||
| The good feeling is when you're doing things you want to do. | ||
| So figure out a way, when this is over, never do this again. | ||
| And so when Fear Factor was over, of course I did it again. | ||
| When it came back again, because they came with the money. | ||
| It's so hard because you start thinking, I'm going to squirrel that money away, and then, you know, it's only three days a week. | ||
| What's the big deal? | ||
| You work four days, you know, you have four days off, you work three days. | ||
| You know that guy who's on Big Bang? | ||
| You know the show Big Bang Theory? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| The sixth lead, the guy, if you guys know the guy with the bowl cut, his name is like Simon Heldberg, I think. | ||
| He, I heard that he got his deal... | ||
| For syndication, they wrote him a check for $85 million. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a lot of cash. | ||
| There's the two guys and the main guys. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's the Indian guy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then he's like the fifth or fourth guy. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you hear about all these shows and backing up the money truck. | ||
| There's not a lot of those shows anymore, though. | ||
| There used to be Friends, Seinfeld, all these different shows. | ||
| Frasier. | ||
| All those shows. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| All those shows. | ||
| Well, news radio went to syndication, but news radio was never the kind of commercial success that any of these other shows were. | ||
| It actually became a success in syndication. | ||
| When news radio was on television, this is when there was not a lot of shows on TV, by the way. | ||
| There was one time where my friend Lou Morton's one of the writers he would Lou would wear a t-shirt that had the number that we were ranked for the week You know like our Ratings and he came in with the number 88 on his shirt. | ||
| I went fuck dude. | ||
| We're 88. He's like 88 God damn it. | ||
| Are we gonna get cancelled? | ||
| And the only time we got cancelled is when I didn't think we were gonna get cancelled which is crazy but I don't remember what my point was. | ||
| No, it's just you're working on all these shows and you're not doing ideally what you want. | ||
| But then, you know, you have a wife and kids and the money is so good. | ||
| I was thinking for the longest time that I wanted to be like an ethnic lab rat on one of those NCIS shows. | ||
| Those are the worst. | ||
| The guy just comes, they come in, the cops come in, and I go, you guys aren't going to like this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Those are the worst gigs. | ||
| Your sperm came back. | ||
| It's not the sperm you think it is. | ||
| I always think of guys like David Caruso when I think of those shows. | ||
| Where they're just kind of sending it in. | ||
| They're just mailing it in. | ||
| Do that thing with his glasses. | ||
| Phoning it in. | ||
| Yeah, every time. | ||
| You ever see that compilation of him? | ||
| Just taking them off. | ||
| Of just saying corny one-liners and pulling off his glasses? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what happens to you. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| When you do one of those shows, those shows are just designed to keep Grandma awake for another hour. | ||
| Sell her Tide and Toyota trucks or whatever the fuck they're selling in the commercials. | ||
| And then this brings me back to all things comedy. | ||
| So ATC is going to allow just funny people to make their own shit. | ||
| And make it and sell it directly to the people without having to worry about this network rigmarole that we've all been piped into. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| The network rigmarole that was like a real... | ||
| There was that option at one point in time that you thought that there was going to be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, like a syndication deal. | ||
| And now that stuff is almost non-existent. | ||
| They cut all those deals out. | ||
| Yeah, for good reason. | ||
| I heard an awesome Ray Romano story about him getting his check... | ||
| And he's sitting in one of these Daily Grill type places. | ||
| It's like Beverly Hills lunch spots where all the agents go. | ||
| And they go, his agents say, this is a check that you need to probably want to just go walk away. | ||
| Take a look and privately just walk away. | ||
| And he goes into the bathroom and he goes in and he opens up the check and he looks at it and he puts it back in. | ||
| It's for, you know, over $10 million type of thing. | ||
| And he washes his face and he can't believe it, you know, because this is a guy that was working at a bank. | ||
| And then he was walking back to the table and four old ladies are sitting there and they go, excuse me! | ||
| And he thinks, oh, everybody loves ramen. | ||
| These ladies say, can you get us some more bread, please, when you have a chance? | ||
| And it sort of fucking made him feel like, oh, okay. | ||
| Fucking Jesus. | ||
| Like, this is crazy that this is happening. | ||
| These ladies have no idea who the fuck I am. | ||
| They think I'm a waiter. | ||
| They're asking me for more water or bread. | ||
| And it really took the air out of everything and made him laugh because he just got the fucking sweats. | ||
| This is a crazy thing. | ||
| There is this pot of gold for some. | ||
| When I started doing stand-up, and I still have all these deals, that's what's been happening with CBS. I've had my own family sitcom script seven times. | ||
| And so, like, are they development deals? | ||
| They give you a... | ||
| A deal. | ||
| Slab of cash. | ||
| Slab of cash and a script. | ||
| And matched up with the showrunner. | ||
| Showrunners. | ||
| Last one is called Call Me Al. | ||
| Then I wrote another one called Mr. Macho. | ||
| Mr. Macho. | ||
| It was a good script. | ||
| Why the name, though? | ||
| Oh, flip out. | ||
| Hey, if Mexicans making fun of me, you're fucking losing my mind. | ||
| Hey, Mr. Macho! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, what's up, bro? | |
| Exactly me. | ||
| Me living in Latino neighborhood, stuff like that. | ||
| Good stuff. | ||
| It could be a show. | ||
| Do you want to do that? | ||
| Oh, man, to write and have my own single-camera comedy on the air? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You like that as much as stand-up? | ||
| I love acting. | ||
| I love writing and making shit, yeah. | ||
| That's awesome, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I really enjoy it. | ||
| I got to be in the writer's room when I'm dying up here. | ||
| It's one of the best experiences I've ever had. | ||
| And when does that come out? | ||
| When is that on Showtime? | ||
| June 4th on Showtime. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beautiful. | |
| Yeah, you're going to love it so much. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| And it's kind of... | ||
| Look at you, sexy bitch. | ||
| Look at you in that goddamn amazing outfit and that beautiful mustache. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| I love it. | ||
| We should start dressing like that again. | ||
| Totally feel it. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Look better. | ||
| Beautiful lapels. | ||
| All right, brother. | ||
| So this Friday, Cinco de Mayo, which is tomorrow, Shrimpin' Ain't Easy on Showtime. | ||
| Is it going to be available online at all? | ||
| Well, this is the thing. | ||
| They gave me a code. | ||
| So if you go to showtime or show.com forward slash shrimpin, and I put this up. | ||
| So this is on my Twitter. | ||
| You get a free 30 days of Showtime. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| You can watch a special. | ||
| You can watch it all on the app. | ||
| And then that's the same is true for I'm Dying Up Here. | ||
| I think I'm going to have another code for that. | ||
| So you can really get two months of showtime free out of this thing. | ||
| I'll put the codes up and people can just grab the codes. | ||
| You know what I'll do is I'll throw the codes in my Instagram and my Twitter, like the bio or something. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'll just grab them from there. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Watch it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Now imagine, ladies and gentlemen, shrimping ain't easy tomorrow. | ||
| Enjoy it! | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Back a new man. | ||
| He'll be back a new man. | ||
| Hopefully. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or not. | ||
| Probably not. | ||
| Or just more fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| We'll see you. | ||
| Bye. | ||
| Jesus Christ. |
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