April 4, 2017 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:47:43
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| We're about as lucky as human beings ever get to be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are we live? | |
| Audio-wise? | ||
| We're live podcast-wise? | ||
| Greg and I were just talking about... | ||
| Greg, for people who don't know, Greg Fitzsimmons and I have been friends for like 28 years. | ||
| 28 years. | ||
| Dude, we're old as fuck. | ||
| God damn, we're old. | ||
| We started out as raw open micers almost exactly at the same time. | ||
| Yeah, but I was dreaming about it since I was a kid. | ||
| When did you think that it might be something you want to do? | ||
| Because I was grabbing microphones when I was fucking eight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Telling jokes into them. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| What about you? | ||
| No, man. | ||
| It wasn't until I was like 21, like right before I did it, like maybe 20 or 21. And one of the reasons for it is a guy still a good friend of mine. | ||
| His name is Steve Graham. | ||
| He was an ophthalmologist. | ||
| And he was this guy who was just this... | ||
| He's such a fucking wild man. | ||
| Like, I've met some people that purport... | ||
| They sort of pretend to be wild men. | ||
| This guy is the wildest dude I've ever met in my life. | ||
| But a super smart, super nice guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he was on the U.S. ski team, okay? | ||
| And when he described his ski run that he did to make the team, he said, like, at any moment in time, I would have crashed. | ||
| He's like, I barely hung on the whole way and had this ridiculous time that I could never do again. | ||
| And he was, like, laughing about it. | ||
| But dude had, like... | ||
| I know I'm going to fuck this up, Steve, if you hear this. | ||
| I think he had 25 knee surgeries on his knees. | ||
| No shit! | ||
| Yeah, his knees were insane. | ||
| Yeah, his knees got to the point where they had to resurface them. | ||
| So the top of his knees, he doesn't have any cartilage anymore. | ||
| So there's a steel cap that they put on the top of his knees. | ||
| And then there's like this artificial meniscus in there. | ||
| And it rolls up and down and he has like a very limited range of motion with his knees. | ||
| He's in his... | ||
| Man, I want to say he probably is 60. He still spars all the time. | ||
| He's almost legally blind. | ||
| He's been hit in the head so many times. | ||
| He has to have these things that go over his glasses so he can see better because he's had a bunch of eye surgeries. | ||
| Hit in the head from skiing? | ||
| From sparring. | ||
| He still spars all the time. | ||
| He's super fucking smart, but he doesn't care. | ||
| He's like, I'm just here. | ||
| He goes, I'm not here for a long time. | ||
| I'm just here for a good time. | ||
| He'll laugh at you. | ||
| He used to be a flight surgeon. | ||
| He's a fucking animal. | ||
| Where is he from? | ||
| I think he was originally from upstate New York. | ||
| He's one of the very few people that told me a UFO story. | ||
| And I had to go, whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Hmm. | ||
| Because this dude just doesn't make shit up, and he's done everything. | ||
| He's a maniac. | ||
| When I met him, he was learning Taekwondo, immediately became obsessed, wanted to start fighting, immediately. | ||
| So while he was a resident, okay, he was going through his residency for ophthalmology. | ||
| He'd be sitting on the toilet. | ||
| He told me he was sitting on the toilet, eating lunch, and he fell asleep while he was taking a shit, and his pager went off. | ||
| Woke up, he's like... | ||
| That's the guy you want heading to the operating room when you're laying on the table. | ||
| He's a student at the time. | ||
| The guy's still got a fucking dookie in his cheeks. | ||
| He hasn't even had time to wipe it out. | ||
| You were always on call. | ||
| You were always working. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| I had two friends that went to their residency. | ||
| My other friend was a Korean friend. | ||
| His name was Jungshik. | ||
| And Jungshik, he actually won the nationals. | ||
| He won the U.S. national championship while he was in medical school. | ||
| For taekwondo? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He was a beast. | ||
| And he was never like a really physically talented guy. | ||
| He was just unbelievably determined. | ||
| And super smart. | ||
| It's not that he was physically inept, but he didn't have any amazing attributes. | ||
| Like, some fighters just have amazing physical attributes. | ||
| Plus, he could already count to ten in Korean, so he was, like, ahead of the class. | ||
| He was also, like, super humble. | ||
| It was really weird. | ||
| I mean, you were talking about a dude who won the national championship. | ||
| And when you would ask him about it, he would always say, Oh my god, I suck. | ||
| I'm fucking terrible. | ||
| I can't even believe that I win these fights. | ||
| Like, he would just joke around about it. | ||
| How do people, I mean, I put you in this category, is I'm amazed by some people's energy. | ||
| Because I've always had, I think because I have depression, I have mild depression, medicated for it. | ||
| And my whole life I've struggled to manage my energy and to focus it and pick what it is I need to accomplish and put my energy on that and let go of the things that keep it simple. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just keep it simple. | ||
| And I look at somebody like you are talking about this guy. | ||
| And I mean, you already did a three-hour fucking podcast today. | ||
| You're sitting down with me. | ||
| We're seven minutes into another three-hour podcast. | ||
| You probably already worked out today. | ||
| No, I didn't. | ||
| I think I had food poisoning. | ||
| Oh, right, right. | ||
| I was telling you before. | ||
| But it's just amazing to me how we're all built differently. | ||
| And when you gauge success, it's like... | ||
| You know, we all are dealing with a different tool belt. | ||
| Some of us have this unlimited energy and focus. | ||
| Some have ADHD. And somehow those things that fuck you up can make you stronger. | ||
| Like, I'm sure there's things about you that maybe you didn't do well in school because of that made you successful in life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've never been a very disciplined person, believe it or not. | ||
| But you've always had the energy? | ||
| But I've always been driven. | ||
| Like I find things that I obsess on and then it's not a discipline thing. | ||
| It's a matter of like almost like limiting my amount of time that I'm doing them. | ||
| Like when I was doing Taekwondo when I was competing, it was never an issue of I gotta be disciplined and show up to train. | ||
| It was the opposite. | ||
| It was like I was training all day. | ||
| I was constantly training. | ||
| I was obsessed. | ||
| You know, so, but the problem is, like, if you say, hey, you have to go do your taxes, I'm like, oh my god, I can't do it. | ||
| It's like if you told me that I had to be an accountant, I'd be like, oh my god, I'm too stupid. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| I just don't, I can't focus on anything I don't want to focus on. | ||
| So getting a business manager was like the greatest thing that ever happened to you. | ||
| That's huge, but it's also like picking something for a living that you actually enjoy doing. | ||
| I think there's a lot of people that are tortured out there that really are supposed to be like a bike maker. | ||
| They're supposed to make fucking motorcycles or something. | ||
| But instead, they got sucked into some insurance job, and they don't give a fuck about it, and they're just trying to sell policies, and it's just a grind on your soul every day. | ||
| You and I, that's what we were talking about before the podcast, how lucky we are. | ||
| Out of all these years that we've known each other, we're fucking comics. | ||
| This is what we always wanted, but we didn't even know we wanted this. | ||
| And when I go, people say to me, I'll be out to dinner. | ||
| It'll be like 10, 15 at night. | ||
| I'm in Venice Beach. | ||
| I'm with good friends. | ||
| And my wife, having a nice meal, finishing up some tiramisu, pay the bill. | ||
| They're like, ah, I'm tired. | ||
| All right, we're going to go to bed. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| Yeah, I'm heading to Hollywood. | ||
| Gonna do a spot in about 45 minutes. | ||
| They look at me like I'm fucking crazy. | ||
| And they go, is it for the money? | ||
| I go, no, I think I'm getting $15. | ||
| Well, is it to get seen? | ||
| I'm like, there hasn't been industry at the fucking comedy store in about three decades. | ||
| Well, why are you doing it? | ||
| Why are you doing it? | ||
| And I go, I got no fucking idea. | ||
| I just need to do it. | ||
| Because I just, I fucking love it. | ||
| And it's not, and it's like, and I'm never too tired to go do a spot. | ||
| I'll be too tired to write a spec script I'm supposed to be working on or whatever. | ||
| But when it comes time to fucking, I look at my phone and I go, oh fuck, I got a 1030 at the Laugh Factory. | ||
| I'm like, I'm in the car. | ||
| I got fucking classic rock playing. | ||
| I'm ready to go. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It makes sense, man. | ||
| You know? | ||
| After 28 years, how lucky are we? | ||
| Stupid lucky. | ||
| But that energy that you get out of, like, laughter, people laughing at your ideas and orchestrating those ideas and getting them done and, you know, dismounting strong. | ||
| Thank you, goodnight, bring up the next guy. | ||
| Especially the way we do it at the store, where you're doing these 15-minute sets. | ||
| It's fun, man. | ||
| 15 is such a perfect amount of time. | ||
| Working some new shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do some shit you know is going to work. | ||
| Working some new shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Taking a little hand grenade you know you got. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A joke just bombed. | ||
| Here's a little thing I call Winter Jacket from 1987. Bam. | ||
| Back in the game. | ||
| And also, you get to see all these other people. | ||
| You know, I think it's super important in this, in this way. | ||
| Well, this is the climate right now. | ||
| I'm sure you've been aware of all the Amy Schumer controversy. | ||
| Oh, please. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| We are all influenced by each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| All of us. | ||
| But it's a good thing. | ||
| What's important is just originality. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| So, there's comics, like, I know Norton doesn't even like to watch people. | ||
| I can't watch people. | ||
| Yeah, but I do. | ||
| I do all the time. | ||
| You don't watch people? | ||
| Like, if Louis shows up, you don't watch them? | ||
| I'll watch a little bit and then I'll walk out. | ||
| I tell I can't be anywhere near. | ||
| Oh, he gets you with that cadence. | ||
| I start getting that cadence. | ||
| My balls smell like a foot! | ||
| So, yeah, and that's how she ended up. | ||
| Anyway, a couple McNuggets later... | ||
| You know, it's like, I don't say that. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| He's just too, yeah, it's too strong. | ||
| But if I'm working on the road, I'll watch both comics, the opener and the feature act. | ||
| I'll watch them, number one, so I don't do any of the same premises. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And number two, I feel like I owe it to them, because a lot of them will say, you know, I asked to work with you three months ago. | ||
| It's like it's a really big deal to them to work with headliners that they like. | ||
| You know, and I think part of that is I have responsibility to watch their act and say, hey, great job. | ||
| Or, you know, hey, there you go. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But like, give them some feedback and fuck, man, I take numbers all the time. | ||
| I'll get a guy's number if he's good. | ||
| And then when I'm in his neck of the woods, then I'll call him up and I'll have him featured for me in a club. | ||
| That's huge. | ||
| That's giant. | ||
| When you're a young guy and somebody gives you that nod like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| First person I ever worked for was Warren McDonald. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Remember Bill McDonald's brother? | ||
| Yeah, he played guitar. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| George McDonald's brother. | ||
| George McDonald's. | ||
| Bill McDonald's. | ||
| Didn't they have a brother, Bill, too? | ||
| No. | ||
| George and Warren. | ||
| I think they had a bunch of kids in the family, but those were the two comedians. | ||
| George was the one. | ||
| I'm sorry, George. | ||
| George was the one who used to host the open mic night. | ||
| First guy to ever bring me on stage at an open mic night. | ||
| Super great guy. | ||
| He was my roommate for a while. | ||
| Was he really? | ||
| In New York. | ||
| We lived on Mulberry Street together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Dude, I remember when you lived in Little Italy. | ||
| I went to visit you up there once. | ||
| You had this cool fucking apartment right over an Italian restaurant or something. | ||
| And it was above the Ravenite Social Club, which was John Gotti's social club. | ||
| Dude, you were in the hood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just remember when I went to visit you, when I went up to your apartment, I'm like, dude, you're in the hood. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it was Mulberry between Prince and Spring. | ||
| And it was like, you know, Wednesdays was the night when the family would get together. | ||
| And Gotti's son was out front. | ||
| And all these limos would pull up and they'd double park. | ||
| And these guys in overcoats would go out and they'd go on to this little fucking club. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And they'd walk up and down the street because the place was wiretapped. | ||
| The Ravenite Social Club was where all the deals went down. | ||
| It was the Gambinos, right, Gotti? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so they started walking. | ||
| They knew the place was wiretapped, so they would walk down the street, down Mulberry Street, in groups, and they'd talk. | ||
| So the FBI started inserting—they would park cars on the street, and they'd put wiretaps in the hubcaps of the cars. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And they would pick up the conversation as they walked up and down the street. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| And so we moved into this place, and it was Tony and Gladys. | ||
| It was a six-floor walk-up. | ||
| It's no fucking joke. | ||
| So if you're on the six-floor, you ought to carry your couch? | ||
| Well, we didn't have to because we moved in, and they gave us, with their apartment, this old Italian couple. | ||
| And we move in, and it was an illegal sublet. | ||
| So we move in, and they've got the fucking couches with the plastic on them and the little end tables. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There it is. | |
| There's Craig's old apartment. | ||
| There it is! | ||
| That's my fucking apartment. | ||
| What floor were you on? | ||
| Sixth floor. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Oh no, I guess it's five. | ||
| Five floors. | ||
| So you didn't have an elevator. | ||
| You had to walk all the way up there. | ||
| No, you had to walk all the way up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fascinating. | |
| And there was no buzzer, so you'd go out on the fire escape and throw the keys down below. | ||
| That's hilarious! | ||
| So someone would ring your doorbell, you go, hey man, here's the key. | ||
| You'd have to drop it on their head. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But how many times did the key hit the ground? | ||
| I think after a while it wouldn't be viable. | ||
| You put it in a sock. | ||
| Dude, you really did do this. | ||
| This is the move. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Makes me want to live there for like a day. | ||
| Let me tell you, we moved in and so we got all this plastic furniture and it had the end table. | ||
| I open it up and there's shell casings from a gun. | ||
| And then there was a device to listen, to record your phone conversations they left behind. | ||
| They were all somewhat in the mafia. | ||
| They weren't necessarily getting paid, but everybody was running numbers with their friends and involved. | ||
| And he goes, anybody ever bothers you? | ||
| This guy's like 80 years old. | ||
| You let me know. | ||
| I'll take care of it. | ||
| I know people. | ||
| You know who I'm talking about. | ||
| I'm not going to say who I'm talking about, but you know who I'm talking about. | ||
| And so they got a condo around the corner because their son Gregory was in construction. | ||
| And he bought them a condo, cash, that was nice. | ||
| And then we paid $700 a month in rent, me and George, together. | ||
| First of the month, walk around the corner to Prince Street, sit down with them. | ||
| They'd make cappuccino, give us cannolis, and I'd give them $500 cash. | ||
| And then Tony would go in the other room and I'd give Gladys another $200 because that was her bingo money. | ||
| Because St. Anthony's on Sullivan Street had bingo on Tuesday nights. | ||
| And then St. Patrick's on Mulberry Street had bingo on Thursday nights. | ||
| Was that a deal that you all worked out together? | ||
| Gladys made the deal with us. | ||
| Gladys made the deal. | ||
| So did Gladys tell you to keep it on the DL that she's getting the two? | ||
| Tony had no idea. | ||
| Tony don't need to know about my bingo money. | ||
| I would so be happy to keep that secret. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| Like, Gladys, I'll go to the grave with the secret. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I love it. | ||
| And they'd all play bingo, and then they'd bet the numbers. | ||
| There was a woman, Gina, and she had these two little schnauzer dogs, and she'd walk up and down Mulberry Street, and people would stop and say hi to her, like, every half a block, because she ran the numbers. | ||
| And you gave her ten bucks, and I don't know if you know how the numbers work, but they basically take... | ||
| The purse at Aqueduct every day. | ||
| You'd look in the New York Post, and there's a purse that's like, however much money was bet, say it's, you know, $300,551, and the last three digits of the purse is what the number is that won the day before. | ||
| So you play three numbers for $10, and it pays, what would the odds be? | ||
| $10 to $1? | ||
| $100 to $1? | ||
| I don't know what the odds are, but this fucking old lady was walking around. | ||
| She'd go to the shark bar. | ||
| People would make bets with her. | ||
| My grandmother went to jail for that. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| When we would go visit her. | ||
| In Jersey? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Newark. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| We'd go visit her for six months. | ||
| We'd be like, where's grandma? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, grandma's with your aunt. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Your aunt was in there, too? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| She wasn't. | ||
| You know, it was just they were telling me that she was visiting my aunt. | ||
| So, was she like on the street corner running numbers? | ||
| I don't know the full extent of the story. | ||
| Dude, you gotta find out. | ||
| She's dead. | ||
| And she wouldn't rat out the mob. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And that's why they put her in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, they gave her the option to tell on whoever her boss was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's like, um, fuck you. | ||
| I'll do time. | ||
| So she was in the pokey for six months, I think. | ||
| And she was like knitting fucking sweaters for the guards and shit. | ||
| And she was my grandma. | ||
| I mean, she was a full on grandma at the time. | ||
| She would make spaghetti. | ||
| She'd make homemade pasta. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| It was incredible. | ||
| Dude, that's chapter one of your memoir right there. | ||
| Her homemade pasta was incredible. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| It was incredible. | ||
| Oh, it was so good. | ||
| Like, you would never have anything like it because it was so, like, old country, hearty. | ||
| I mean, she always made her own pasta. | ||
| Was she first generation from Italy? | ||
| Yes, first generation. | ||
| What was her last name? | ||
| Di Gerlando. | ||
| Well, that was my grandfather's last name. | ||
| Her last name was Spamone, I believe it was. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Spamone D'Angelo. | ||
| They were straight off the boat. | ||
| They both came here as children. | ||
| Hey, let me throw a little something in the gagouche. | ||
| I might have fucked that name up. | ||
| I can't remember that side of my family. | ||
| I don't really have that much contact with them. | ||
| But my grandmother, she had an aneurysm. | ||
| They gave her 72 hours to live, and she lived for 12 years. | ||
| My grandfather took care of her. | ||
| She was a mess, man. | ||
| Oh, she got dementia from it? | ||
| She was just gone. | ||
| She was paralyzed. | ||
| She couldn't move. | ||
| Really? | ||
| My grandfather had to totally take care of her. | ||
| For 12 years she was like that. | ||
| My grandfather had to take care of every single thing she did. | ||
| He had to wipe her. | ||
| He had to clean her. | ||
| He had to take care of her bed sores. | ||
| Could she talk? | ||
| Barely. | ||
| Make noises and stuff. | ||
| And sometimes she could get out of lucid sense. | ||
| Oh, that's brutal. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| So I lived with them for a while. | ||
| When I moved from Boston to New York, when I got signed by Sussman, and I got a manager, I was like, oh my god, I gotta move to New York. | ||
| I couldn't afford anything. | ||
| I definitely couldn't afford to live anywhere, and so my grandfather said that I could stay with them for a while. | ||
| In Newark? | ||
| In Newark, on North 9th Street. | ||
| It's the fucking, like... | ||
| It's a bad neighborhood. | ||
| Like, my grandparents still live in a bad neighborhood. | ||
| It was a good neighborhood at one point in time. | ||
| It was an all-Italian neighborhood. | ||
| And then they did a thing called blockbusting, where they'd move in and say, hey, black people are moving into your neighborhood. | ||
| You have to sell now or you're going to lose all your money. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so people would just sell their houses left and right, and everybody moved down. | ||
| Then it became a black neighborhood. | ||
| But my grandfather was like, I like black people. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| Get off my lawn. | ||
| It was his house. | ||
| He was never getting rid of that house. | ||
| And my grandmother had this aneurysm and she lived in agony. | ||
| And so when I was staying with them, when I moved to New York and I didn't have an apartment for three months, I stayed with them. | ||
| And she would just moan, make these horrible moans and be like, God damn it. | ||
| You realize what it's like when your body fails you and you're still alive for years and years? | ||
| It was awful. | ||
| Dude, my threshold for pull the plug is really, really high. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, low. | ||
| It's low. | ||
| Really low. | ||
| Yeah, if I get anywhere near that state, take me out. | ||
| You know who just died? | ||
| The angel of death. | ||
| Remember that guy? | ||
| He worked in a nursing home and he killed 37 people over like three decades. | ||
| I do. | ||
| And people like your grandmother that were suffering, he would just fucking take them out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| I wonder if people knew when they started bringing him into that place. | ||
| I would. | ||
| Well, the question is, like, did he do it to people that weren't going to die? | ||
| Oh, yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Just for a goof. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, I don't know if it was a goof. | ||
| I think in his mind, he was... | ||
| Doing it for a good reason. | ||
| The angel. | ||
| You know, he was an angel. | ||
| Which I could see. | ||
| I had my friend Johnny come visit me. | ||
| He came visit me in New Jersey, and we're hanging out with my grandfather, just sitting around talking to him. | ||
| Old linoleum floor, you know, those old school houses. | ||
| Smells like boiled potatoes. | ||
| Fucking salami hanging around all over the place, like the whole deal. | ||
| Always bought fresh bread every day. | ||
| Walked down to the bakery, got the bread, came back, was like, as Italian as it gets. | ||
| And while we're hanging out there, my grandma was just moaning in the other room. | ||
| And my friend Johnny was like, holy shit. | ||
| I was like, I told you. | ||
| He's like, dude, that's negative. | ||
| That's what he was saying to me. | ||
| He was like, dude, that's so negative. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's like the opposite of a sound machine that cheers you up. | ||
| Well, that's what he was. | ||
| My friend Johnny was brilliant. | ||
| Brilliant guy. | ||
| Just in a weird, crazy way. | ||
| But he was like, dude, you don't want to be around that. | ||
| This is negative for you. | ||
| You can't fix it. | ||
| You can't fix it. | ||
| You got to get out of here. | ||
| And I was like, you're right. | ||
| Your grandfather must have been fucking psyched that you were staying there for a little while. | ||
| He was for a while. | ||
| He liked it. | ||
| He was a great guy. | ||
| He was just such a sweet guy. | ||
| What did he do? | ||
| The big thing around the family was always like there was pride that he worked in a machine shop that made a part for the nuclear bomb. | ||
| And everybody would say, you know what Grandpa does, right? | ||
| What Grandpa did? | ||
| He made something. | ||
| He was like a foreman after a while. | ||
| Worked in some sort of machine shop. | ||
| You know what he does? | ||
| He kills Japs. | ||
| That's what he does. | ||
| Fucking three times they used his part. | ||
| Boom, boom, boom! | ||
| Yeah, that was like the thing people would talk about. | ||
| Was it three times or two bombs? | ||
| Two. | ||
| Two bombs. | ||
| Two. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was like a big source of pride, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember when I was a kid, I was like, wow. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Pretty cool. | ||
| Do you know that I was in St. Louis? | ||
| Now we're... | ||
| I forget where in Missouri Truman is buried, but they've got his library, like his museum, and there's a fucking monument to the bomb out front. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Like, this fucking guy had the balls. | ||
| We played Oppenheimer in the last podcast with Sam Harris for Dan Harris from ABC News. | ||
| He had never heard that Oppenheimer quote when he quotes the Bhagavad Gita after the bomb went off. | ||
| Now, what did he say? | ||
| He says, Behold, I am become death, destroyer of worlds. | ||
| It's so creepy. | ||
| When you hear Oppenheimer say it, I'd play it, but we played it in the last podcast and people would be like, What the fuck, Rogan? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll play it for you after it's over, though. | ||
| It's creepy, because you see his face. | ||
| Like, this is the guy that made the fucking bomb. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's his reaction, to read some Sanskrit Bhagavad Gita quote about Vishnu. | ||
| Yeah, so where did that come from? | ||
| Because usually it's like the Christians that believe in the Second Coming are into that kind of shit. | ||
| But that, Eastern, I don't think of Eastern religion as being like that. | ||
| Well, he was... | ||
| Oppenheimer was a fucking phenomenally intelligent guy. | ||
| He was really... | ||
| Sam Harris was saying... | ||
| He created the nuclear bomb. | ||
| I don't know what he did before that, but he was one of the main people. | ||
| There's a team of people, obviously, in the Manhattan Project. | ||
| But he was just a super genius guy that Sam Harris was saying. | ||
| We need to double-check if that's true. | ||
| But Sam Harris was saying in the last podcast that he taught himself Sanskrit in three months. | ||
| Or was it Dan Harris that said that? | ||
| I don't remember who said that. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| But that's how, like, what you were talking about earlier, about energy. | ||
| Focus on energy. | ||
| Think about how fucking stupid we are compared to that dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's levels to this thing, you know? | ||
| Like, Karl Malone is always going to be better at basketball than you and me. | ||
| There's just no, no matter what we did, you gotta want it more, Fitzsimmons! | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is not fair. | ||
| It's not fair. | ||
| He's a seven-foot super athlete. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's just, it's not fair. | ||
| I know, it's like when I'm around people that have perfect memories, I feel so less than, and I have to remind myself, that's just the fucking machine that this dude was given. | ||
| Yeah, an awesome hot rod. | ||
| Like Patton Oswalt or somebody, he'll be on stage riffing, goes from a fucking Tom Waits lyric into like a movie reference of Judy Garland quote from the 1940s, and you're just sitting there going like, I have to look at a list to remember my act every night. | ||
| Yeah, Patton's... | ||
| Motherfucker. | ||
| He's a fucking genius. | ||
| Very, very, very smart guy. | ||
| The thing about Patton that's amazing is not only does he have this photographic memory, but he distills thoughts in a very unique way. | ||
| Like when he puts up... | ||
| I don't read many people's Twitters, but I read his and it's like, it's always on point. | ||
| And it's always different than what anybody else is thinking. | ||
| Did you see the tweet that he made? | ||
| He made like the best tweet. | ||
| Um, fuck. | ||
| What was it about? | ||
| I gotta remember this. | ||
| And he's also got limitless energy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was about someone showing up at someone's doorstep. | ||
| Oh, it was about Jamie Kilstein. | ||
| It was about Jamie Kilstein showing up at Milo Yiannopoulos' house and cue the theme music to The Odd Couple. | ||
| Like he got kicked out of his podcast. | ||
| LAUGHTER It's just his sense of humor, man. | ||
| His premises, he'll take premises that I would have abandoned long ago and turn them into genius bits. | ||
| And stretch them out. | ||
| Yeah, like I hear some of his stuff and go, wow, I just need to focus on topics more sometimes. | ||
| Maybe instead of just looking for a strong topic, like any topic can be strong if you do it the right way. | ||
| And he figured, have you ever heard his fucking bit he does about taking his daughter to a Starbucks after she had seen The Lion King? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| And there's a black guy, an old, old black guy with white hair, and the daughter yells out, Daddy, it's a monkey! | ||
| And this is the way he describes the place. | ||
| It's a coffee shop in Silver Lake. | ||
| And he said, you could barely hear the Nora Jones album over the sound of people's eyes rolling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's such a good bit. | |
| It's so well written. | ||
| It's a really funny bit about him just running out of there with his daughter. | ||
| Hashtag racist. | ||
| It's really fucking funny. | ||
| Writing jokes, I've been in a little bit of a slump lately. | ||
| I think mostly because I'm putting another hour together. | ||
| So I've just been focused on taking the last two or three years' material, transitioning it, tightening it up. | ||
| So I haven't been writing new stuff. | ||
| And then when I go back to writing new stuff, I'm like... | ||
| How does comedy work again? | ||
| Yeah, I think it's a cop-out that we do when we're working on stuff that we don't do new stuff. | ||
| We don't write new stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You lose that muscle, whatever the fuck that weird muscle is. | ||
| I just forget, like, when you really... | ||
| I mean, if you really want to get into joke writing, breaking it down, it's like what you said. | ||
| Do you take the low-hanging fruit? | ||
| You know, there's always that thing that happens. | ||
| You know, there's that moment where you go, oh, that's a fucking joke. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, I just spit about my... | ||
| I'm driving home. | ||
| My wife... | ||
| My wife texts me, what time are you going to be home? | ||
| So I write 6 o'clock. | ||
| And she says, will you bring home some eggs? | ||
| So I wrote, sure. | ||
| And then I wrote, what are you wearing? | ||
| And then I got a text back, my cleats and my soccer uniform. | ||
| And I realized my wife is driving. | ||
| Son has her phone. | ||
| And then I got a text right after that, why? | ||
| What are you wearing? | ||
| And I was just like, alright, I don't have to write anything there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's a fucking perfect bit. | ||
| There's a funny bit. | ||
| And then I realized, like, I didn't take that... | ||
| I've been doing that bit for a year, and I haven't pushed it. | ||
| And, like, Bill Burr saw me do a bit one night, and he's like, dude, what are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got fucking... | |
| You got a fucking unbelievable premise, eh? | ||
| You got a fucking... | ||
| And he, like, riffs, like, five other beats to the bit that I do now, and... | ||
| And you just realize, like, yeah, I'm not fucking pushing it as far as I can push it. | ||
| Do you think that's an energy thing, like what you were talking about before? | ||
| I think it's a confidence thing. | ||
| I think it's having the confidence to say, there's more to this, I'm capable of getting more out of this, instead of just going like, okay, now let me quick get something else that's going to get an immediate laugh and jump topics. | ||
| Right, right, right, which is a hallmark of someone who's inexperienced or working on completely new stuff, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, when someone's inexperienced, like when you watch open micers, it's like one of the biggest things that they do. | ||
| And also, conversely, is that the right way to use it? | ||
| Richard Jenny, who's one of my all-time favorites at stretching out stuff. | ||
| Dude, I've been telling people about this, I've been telling all these comics, go download A Big Steaming Pile of Me. | ||
| A Steaming Pile of Me or A Big Steaming Pile of Me? | ||
| Whatever the name of it is. | ||
| It's one of Richard Jenny's last specials before he unfortunately killed himself. | ||
| But, God damn, is it good! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So good, dude. | ||
| I was on the highway, coming home from the store, on the highway, howling, laughing at this special. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the only reason why I listen to it is, you know that weird thing your phone does if you Bluetooth your phone to your car? | ||
| Sometimes, on my car, I'll just start playing random songs. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Just randomly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, completely randomly. | ||
| Like, it just starts playing. | ||
| Like, I don't even press play. | ||
| I get in the car. | ||
| I start the car. | ||
| And when I did it, there was a song. | ||
| The song went off. | ||
| And then the next thing was a Richard Jenny bit. | ||
| And I was fucking howling. | ||
| It was so funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was so funny. | ||
| And not only that, you're losing a lot of it because seeing that guy live, he fucking glided around the stage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because he was a little guy. | ||
| And so he appeared. | ||
| You'd see him after a show and you'd be like, you're not the guy. | ||
| The guy on stage was six foot one. | ||
| You're five foot seven. | ||
| What happened to that other guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he did that special with one of those MC Hammer earpieces. | ||
| Oh, did he? | ||
| One of those motivational speaker things. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He had one of those on, or something. | ||
| He had either that or a lav mic, but he didn't have a mic in his hand, which I'm always like, what are you transitioning away from being a stand-up and now you're... | ||
| Like, what is that? | ||
| Well, he really used his hands. | ||
| I mean, for most people, you don't need that. | ||
| But for him, it was like, you know, he explored physically space. | ||
| He accentuated punchlines with movement. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I would watch him night after night sometimes. | ||
| And if he was saying the word jello, his weight would be on his left foot, his right finger would be in the air. | ||
| It'd be the same fucking way the next night. | ||
| It was like a ballet. | ||
| It was exact. | ||
| He was, in my opinion, the best at taking a premise and just wringing all the funny out of it. | ||
| And I remember watching him, and one of the first things that I realized when I was watching, because I went to see him, I paid to see him before I ever did stand-up. | ||
| And I remember thinking, I actually sat in the front row, it was pretty badass, a Catch Rising star in Cambridge. | ||
| And I remember, I also saw Meanie kill there. | ||
| I saw Kevin Meanie kill there. | ||
| I think we were together that night. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I saw him crush there a couple times. | ||
| But I saw Meanie crush so hard, I went with my friend Diane from high school. | ||
| We were buddies. | ||
| And we went, and it was like one of the few girlfriends that I had back then. | ||
| We were just buddies. | ||
| And she was like a really funny chick. | ||
| And we went to see Kevin Meaney. | ||
| And he fucking killed so hard that I walked out of there in pain. | ||
| Like, my sides were hurt. | ||
| Like, people don't know how hard Kevin Meaney used to kill. | ||
| I would put him against... | ||
| In terms of being in the right room on the right night, nobody killed as hard as Kevin Meaney. | ||
| He would fucking... | ||
| You couldn't kill Harder. | ||
| You couldn't kill Harder because he went up in this character that was a complete departure. | ||
| It was a silly guy who was joyous and who didn't give a fuck what you thought. | ||
| If a joke started bombing, he'd start singing, I don't care, I don't care. | ||
| My jokes don't go over. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| And then he'd start doing it like a dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woof, woof, woof. | |
| He'd be bombing. | ||
| The fucking crowd would not be laughing and he would string that out for like three minutes until all of a sudden they just started laughing at this insane man who was sweating and flopping around on stage. | ||
| Yeah, well, when I saw him, there was no bombing at all. | ||
| It was just destruction. | ||
| It was when he had just done HBO and he was in that groove. | ||
| He was on fire, dude. | ||
| It's hard to describe because so much is lost when you see a guy like that on a big stage or on television. | ||
| You lose being in the room with him. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| There was a hypnosis going on when he would crush. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it was like him, I remember seeing him crush like that and going like, God, like, he was like so silly and it was so fun to get like caught up in his silly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was one thing that I'd saw. | ||
| Dude, and then closing with We Are The World, which took it to another level because... | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| ...they had some fucking music and a funny song and impressions within the song. | ||
| He kept that bit too long, though. | ||
| Way too long. | ||
| No, that was his downfall. | ||
| Yeah, that was a... | ||
| Four years? | ||
| Five years? | ||
| Yeah, maybe it was only five years, and then he just wouldn't let go of the material. | ||
| Well, he went national, and he had the ethic that the guys in Boston had. | ||
| That was the problem. | ||
| The Boston guys, they didn't go national, but they all came up together, and he was one of the top guys, and they all came up doing the same act. | ||
| They would tighten that fucking act. | ||
| They would hammer it down like a samurai sword. | ||
| And then they would go all around town with that same act. | ||
| And they just did that. | ||
| There was no social media. | ||
| There was no one to complain. | ||
| But I did have friends that would complain. | ||
| They're like, Jesus Christ, went to see fucking Sweeney. | ||
| He did the same goddamn act I saw last year. | ||
| That's going to end. | ||
| You're going to get a few of those. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And today. | |
| Go see him this week. | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| But Meany, he fucked up. | ||
| Stephen Wright didn't fuck up. | ||
| Stephen Wright left from that spot. | ||
| Jay Leno left from that spot. | ||
| And they did new stuff all the time. | ||
| They wrote. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He just got stuck. | ||
| It's crazy because I remember watching him not do well. | ||
| One time he had to go on in Miami after Joey Diaz. | ||
| And it was a disaster. | ||
| Because Joey was yelling out punchlines in Spanish. | ||
| And he was talking about sucking his dick and all that. | ||
| And he was sweating and people going crazy. | ||
| They were just going fucking crazy. | ||
| Because Joey Diaz in Miami, in the cocaine days, he would kill. | ||
| You've never seen nothing like it before. | ||
| There was no fucks left in his brain. | ||
| And he was saying shit that was so ridiculous. | ||
| He got all the fucks out. | ||
| They were gone. | ||
| He didn't give a fuck. | ||
| He had no fucks to give. | ||
| And he's on stage talking about slinging dick. | ||
| He was such a caricature. | ||
| And Kevin had a really hard time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kevin had to go on after him, and it was a disaster. | ||
| It was just a disaster. | ||
| Kevin wound up leaving. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he had a lot of chapters to his life, and then he had a really hard time for a long time, and then he ended up on Broadway doing great with John Panette in Hairspray. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then that ended, and he came out of the closet while he was on Broadway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Changed his life, and he became a happier person. | ||
| Lost weight. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fascinating, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fascinating different chapters of people's lives. | ||
| But who he was when he went on after Joey Diaz in Miami should never be confused with who he was when I saw him in Boston. | ||
| Like, he had just... | ||
| He hit a stride, and he wasn't able to maintain it, but you can never forget how fucking good he was. | ||
| Well, just YouTube, his Tonight Show appearances, because Carson fucking loved him. | ||
| Carson, they would cut away to Carson. | ||
| He'd have his head on his desk, pounding it with his fist, wiping tears. | ||
| I mean, he and Niall... | ||
| And it was just... | ||
| It was so big, you couldn't follow it. | ||
| And so he got his break with that show, which was... | ||
| I blame his representation. | ||
| He should have never done Uncle Buck. | ||
| It was the wrong fucking show for him. | ||
| And it was so high profile, and he was so big, that when it failed, it really crushed him for a long time. | ||
| Comics should just do stand-up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whenever we do other shit, it just winds up getting in the way. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Louis C.K. had a great fucking statement the other night. | ||
| He and I were talking backstage. | ||
| He's about to go on. | ||
| He said he doesn't do anything but stand-up anymore. | ||
| He said, to be your best, you have to do just stand-up. | ||
| He goes, you can be really good and do other stuff. | ||
| But like, you know, he's doing his TV show and all that jazz. | ||
| He's like, to be your best, you have to just do stand-up. | ||
| So he's not gonna do TV for a while? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I mean, he could do whatever the fuck he wants. | ||
| But one of the things he said, he's like, I could be happy doing this forever. | ||
| I was like, God, it's inspiring. | ||
| You mean getting on a private jet and going to shows that are sold out because you sent out one tweet? | ||
| Yeah, I think I could be happy to do on that. | ||
| He doesn't even tweet anymore. | ||
| He deleted his Twitter. | ||
| I think all the theater just tweeted. | ||
| Like, you know, Ticketmaster sends out a tweet and it fucking sells out. | ||
| But how smart is that? | ||
| That he recognizes he's at that stage and just steps away from nonsense. | ||
| But it also takes, I mean, you have to have, like, I think... | ||
| Some people need to spin a lot of plates. | ||
| Like, I can't just do stand-up because I start to... | ||
| It's not so much bored, but I just feel like I gotta do other shit. | ||
| I get claustrophobic. | ||
| Yeah, and I just... | ||
| I need to go... | ||
| Like, right now I'm writing on a show. | ||
| And I'm fucking loving it. | ||
| And I'm taking... | ||
| Yeah, you're right on Pete's show. | ||
| Pete Holmes. | ||
| We were just talking about it before. | ||
| Pete Holmes is such a good guy. | ||
| He's a good dude. | ||
| He is. | ||
| Such a nice guy. | ||
| He's good in the room, too. | ||
| I mean, we're coming up with show ideas, and there's like seven or eight writers pitching shit, and they're all talented writers. | ||
| And then he'll just go like, he has the best way of saying no. | ||
| It's very hard to write a room, to run a room, and not... | ||
| like they're not heard or they're being rejected. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he's got this energy that's just like, yeah, that's funny. | ||
| And what if we did this? | ||
| And you sort of like, he moves on in a way that, you know, the idea is not getting used, but it might've triggered something else in him. | ||
| And we end up with these episodes that are just fucking linear. | ||
| And they're, they're things that he signed off on. | ||
| A lot of times you get somebody running a writer's room and they, they get codependent. | ||
| So they'll put shit in the script that they don't even believe in. | ||
| And between him and Judd, Judd's in the room a lot. | ||
| Between the two of them in the room, we got fucking, we got episodes locked down already. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, there is that weird dynamic between showrunners and comics and actors. | ||
| It's just a struggle that everyone wants to get their greasy fingers on it. | ||
| Especially in the beginning. | ||
| At the beginning of a show's creation. | ||
| Once you get to some Simpsons level where it's just a smooth machine. | ||
| Factory. | ||
| They know what the fuck to do. | ||
| Leave them alone. | ||
| Stay away from the South Park guys. | ||
| Just get the fuck out of the way. | ||
| Don't get your greasy fingers in it. | ||
| But if it's a brand new show... | ||
| And also, being an HBO show, they just give you the keys. | ||
| They go, alright, do it. | ||
| Lock up when you're done. | ||
| There's no... | ||
| I mean, I wasn't there the first season, but I heard there was very little notes from HBO. That's what Netflix is kind of doing, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Netflix doesn't have any notes. | ||
| That's why the fucking shows are good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, look at these network multi-camera sitcoms. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| Do you ever see the clip where they take the laugh track out of Big Bang Theory? | ||
| I have seen that. | ||
| Terrific. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| But you know what that is? | ||
| That's pickups, a lot of it. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| You know what pickups are? | ||
| Like, you shoot a scene, and then they have to... | ||
| They change a line, or they want to do something different, and they do pickups when the audience is gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| This was an episode of Big Bang Theory that aired, and then they sucked out the laugh track. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| So you're seeing these negative... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Definitely? | |
| Definitely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| You're seeing... | ||
| Silence, where normally you would be laughing, in theory, if it was funny. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But they just insert laughs, and so I guess people at home laugh at the same time, because they're triggered to? | ||
| Well, it might be very, yeah, it's a soundtrack, probably. | ||
| A laugh track, rather. | ||
| The laugh track is, yeah, it's like some kind of a... | ||
| We did shows, I think, where we didn't even have an audience, and they just, they did a laugh track. | ||
| On news radio? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh yeah, you guys did it. | ||
| We did a couple shows that were like completely ridiculous. | ||
| I can't remember if they used a laugh track or if they showed it to people. | ||
| I think in some of them they showed it to people. | ||
| I feel like in at least one or two scenes we might have had a laugh track. | ||
| But we did a few episodes that were like super bizarre. | ||
| Like one of them was in space. | ||
| So the whole episode took place in space. | ||
| Like just news radio in space. | ||
| No explanation whatsoever. | ||
| Out of space suit on. | ||
| Like the whole thing was fucking ridiculous. | ||
| Was that deep into like season six? | ||
| I think, I don't remember what season. | ||
| We only did five seasons. | ||
| But in another one, we did a Titanic episode. | ||
| We would do one ridiculous episode every now and again. | ||
| In the Titanic episode, we literally had to fill the setup with water. | ||
| So in the Titanic episode, I'm sloshing through water up to my waist. | ||
| It's freezing! | ||
| The water's fucking cold, man. | ||
| Because you think of water that you climb into. | ||
| Unless you're outside and this is a summer and it's 100 degrees out, the water's going to be fucking cold. | ||
| And you can only stand in it for so long before you start shivering. | ||
| So you're walking through the... | ||
| They turn the set into a fucking swimming pool. | ||
| So ridiculous. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Paul Simms is a genius. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was just a madman. | ||
| You know what we should do one night, just as an experiment, is set up a couple speakers in the back of the room at the comedy store and do a laugh track during our set and see if it makes the audience just fucking go into a frenzy. | ||
| I bet it would. | ||
| You think they wouldn't know something's amiss? | ||
| That would really be funny. | ||
| You write a bunch of shit that's purposely not funny and have some ridiculous soundtrack. | ||
| See how people react to that. | ||
| That would be a fascinating experiment if you did something super offensive. | ||
| You talked about something super, super offensive. | ||
| And you did it all under hidden cameras. | ||
| And you just see if people laughed at something that's really fucked up. | ||
| And then interview them after the show. | ||
| Why were you laughing at that? | ||
| You know, like, isn't that like always supposed to be the knock on shit like when people talk about rape culture? | ||
| They're always supposed to say that, you know, some guy's on stage and he's talking about rape and everybody's cheering and laughing. | ||
| Like, that fucking never happens. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That never happens. | ||
| Like, if you go on stage and you have a joke about rape, goddamn that joke better be funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It better be so goddamn funny if you're gonna pull off a rape joke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are you saying people clapping on the wrong side of it? | ||
| What I'm saying is do a joke that is purposely offensive, like really bad, but do it on purpose. | ||
| Let everybody know. | ||
| Don't let the audience know. | ||
| Do it in front of the audience and have a ridiculous soundtrack in the back of the room that just roars laughter. | ||
| And have people around going, what the fuck? | ||
| This guy's just talking about raping kids. | ||
| And have cameras set up to capture the audience's reaction and then put it on YouTube. | ||
| And then interview them afterwards. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ask them, like, if they sign a release. | ||
| They'd have to sign a fucking release. | ||
| What were you thinking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How could you laugh at that? | |
| But you go, like, were you freaking out that people were laughing? | ||
| Like, I don't know. | ||
| I just started laughing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was compelled. | ||
| Everyone else is laughing. | ||
| That's what happens, right? | ||
| People are laughing. | ||
| They're around you. | ||
| You start laughing more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I mean, that's part of the reason why a club is so good. | ||
| Because they're all jammed in together like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, it's a weird... | ||
| It's a very weird phenomenon. | ||
| Because... | ||
| There's always the guy that goes, I should be a comedian because at my office everybody tells me I'm like the funniest guy. | ||
| And it's like, well then you know what? | ||
| You'd probably be a good comedian because it's easier on stage in a way. | ||
| If it's a good crowd and you go up there, you've got a hundred people facing you drinking. | ||
| Here's the drill. | ||
| You pay money and you laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not, you might cry, you might whatever. | ||
| No, there's an agenda. | ||
| You're going to laugh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So if you get up there and you do things that are in the realm of funny, you're going to get the benefit of the doubt. | ||
| More so than if you walked onto a subway platform and started telling a bunch of rush hour commuters the same fucking material. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or your friends that don't want to hear you talk over them. | ||
| The worst thing is watching one guy go on a rant that might be funny and the other guy starts talking over it and you're like, oh no. | ||
| You know what that guy's going through right now. | ||
| The ranter, he's like in the groove and the other guy's like, I've got some funny shit to say too. | ||
| And he just shits on his rant. | ||
| When you see guys at a bar and one guy just starts talking over the other guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They lift on their toes and get louder and louder. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because there's a chick there and they're trying to score. | ||
| That's the worst. | ||
| Did you ever have a friend that would insult you when girls were around? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| I had a friend fucking knock me down once. | ||
| With a punch? | ||
| Well, there was a lake near my house growing up, and we used to skate there. | ||
| It was fucking unbelievable. | ||
| I grew up in Tarrytown, New York, and we had this reservoir that actually feeds New York City. | ||
| It's like the main reservoir for the drinking water in New York City. | ||
| And so it would freeze in the winter, and then they had this shack, this big fucking wooden shack, twice the size of this room. | ||
| And it had benches, and it had a little snack bar, hot chocolate and hot dogs. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Then you go outside and there's like wooden steps going down into the lake with telephone poles. | ||
| This is a big fucking lake. | ||
| Telephone poles around half the perimeter of the lake with spotlights and radio speakers. | ||
| And they would crank fucking pop music. | ||
| And you'd go out there until 11 o'clock at night. | ||
| We'd hide six packs in the snow on the banks of the lake. | ||
| We'd go out there. | ||
| We're in seventh and eighth grade, drinking a couple beers, hitting on chicks. | ||
| And so I'm out there one night. | ||
| And then during the day, we'd play hockey all fucking day. | ||
| They had metal nets they would put out. | ||
| And they would use a plow to plow the snow to make rinks out of the fucking snow on the ice. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| And this was before global warming. | ||
| That shit froze by Christmas, and we were skating in March every fucking year. | ||
| March? | ||
| Well, early March. | ||
| How do you know when to stop? | ||
| Well, it's three feet thick. | ||
| But how do you know when it's not three feet thick? | ||
| They tell you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They test it? | |
| The town tests it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| There's another shack on top of the hill where they have spotters. | ||
| There's guys skating with jackets that are the rink guys. | ||
| So anyway... | ||
| I'm there and I'm talking to this chick from the next town over. | ||
| Celine was her name. | ||
| I remember this. | ||
| Deep voice, brown eyes, real fucking Italian girl. | ||
| That was my type. | ||
| Little plump Italian. | ||
| And I'm talking to her and all of a sudden I get fucking knocked down. | ||
| This kid, Chris Spencer, had skated towards me and just checked me. | ||
| Just fucking... | ||
| And I fell down, hit my head, couldn't get up for a little bit. | ||
| And I was like, what the... | ||
| And my friends were laughing. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck was that? | ||
| And Chris was like trying to break into our little circle of friends. | ||
| And he was this big dude and he lifted weights. | ||
| And that was his way of like getting into the group was to fucking knock me down while I was talking to Celine. | ||
| And I tried to fight him later after when I had my sneakers on. | ||
| And thankfully somebody broke it up. | ||
| He would have fucking killed me. | ||
| But cut to... | ||
| Oh, and Celine liked me at the time. | ||
| Cut to... | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Halloween. | ||
| The following year. | ||
| We're running around and somebody sprayed shaving cream in my eyes and so I chased him down and it was somebody dressed as a bum. | ||
| Knock him down, sitting on top of him, punching him in the face. | ||
| People start grabbing me screaming, Dude, it's a girl! | ||
| So I fucking run away. | ||
| Turns out it was Celine. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| And guess what? | ||
| Guess who had a bigger crush on me now? | ||
| Her? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| After you beat her ass? | ||
| Tell me about her fucking childhood. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| So what happened? | ||
| Did you have to apologize? | ||
| No. | ||
| She was in the next town, so I didn't really... | ||
| I just ducked out of seeing her. | ||
| How many times did you hit her? | ||
| I think a few times. | ||
| She's a girl. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| Why did she spray you in the face? | ||
| Did she know it was you? | ||
| No, we used to all run around with, we would take shaving cream, and we'd put aerosol tops on a barbasol can, and then we'd spray each other. | ||
| You know, when you came home, you were covered. | ||
| You were a snowman when you came home. | ||
| And we'd have eggs, and we'd slap each other in the forehead with an egg, and we'd run around. | ||
| There's always one asshole who had nair, and then you'd have to go home early, because he sprayed fucking nair on your head. | ||
| So she sprayed shaving cream in my eyes. | ||
| I couldn't see that well. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I knocked her around a little bit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My first domestic abuse charge. | ||
| I heard a girl punch me on the bus once. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was like a weird thing, man. | ||
| When I was 14, I got on the bus for the 13-year-olds, like the junior high school bus. | ||
| And there was this guy who actually became a buddy of mine later. | ||
| He was young back then. | ||
| Muggsy Malone. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| He was a tiny little dude. | ||
| At the time, he was... | ||
| I think he's two years younger than me? | ||
| And anyway, some girl was mad at me for something. | ||
| I don't remember what happened. | ||
| But she started throwing punches at me. | ||
| And I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| And I block her punches. | ||
| And then I looked down and the dude was like right behind her. | ||
| And he said something to... | ||
| Someone else said something to him. | ||
| And he looked at me and he goes, yeah, I ain't afraid of you either. | ||
| And I was like, alright. | ||
| I'm like, just what the fuck ever, man? | ||
| Can I fight this girl before I fight you, Muggsy? | ||
| Well, I just fucked up. | ||
| I was new to the town, and I don't know what happened, what she was mad at me for, but I remember blocking punches by some girls trying to beat my ass. | ||
| Like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| And this little dude mad at me, too. | ||
| But Muggsy, was he wearing a little newsy cap? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Was he from the 1940s? | ||
| I'm super lucky I never hit that girl back. | ||
| Because it turned out she wound up dating my friend Mark, who was the captain of the wrestling team, like, afterwards. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, after this. | ||
| And he would have killed me. | ||
| He was an animal. | ||
| And he was a couple years older than us. | ||
| Like, I was 14. He was 17. He was a senior. | ||
| And he was like one of the best wrestlers in the state. | ||
| He was an animal. | ||
| He smoked cigarettes in between wrestling practice. | ||
| He'd be in wrestling practice and that girl that tried to beat my ass, she would open up the door and he would go outside in like winter time out and he would like take a couple of drags of a cigarette. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| While he was wrestling, like at a really high level, he was smoking cigarettes. | ||
| He was like a thug slash athlete. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Like a legitimate bad motherfucker. | ||
| Like an animal. | ||
| He was an animal wrestler. | ||
| Made me realize, like real early on, like wrestling practice made me realize how hard some people work out. | ||
| I had no idea how hard some people work out. | ||
| Because I had taken karate classes before and I had played baseball, but I never did anything like wrestling. | ||
| In my first days of wrestling class, I remember thinking, what the fuck? | ||
| You guys work this hard? | ||
| We have to go upstairs? | ||
| We have to carry someone on our back and climb up stadium stairs? | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Like, we're doing what? | ||
| We're doing endless drills. | ||
| We're firemen carrying each other back and forth across the fucking gym and racing each other. | ||
| Constant live drills with wrestling. | ||
| I would leave there. | ||
| I could barely walk. | ||
| I was so tired. | ||
| I didn't do any homework while I was wrestling. | ||
| Then I just wound up doing no homework ever. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| With wrestling, it really fucks up your grades. | ||
| You come home annihilated. | ||
| Annihilated. | ||
| I was so tired. | ||
| You're hungry as shit. | ||
| I just want to sleep. | ||
| And then did you have to try to lose weight for mates? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I did, but I wound up stopping doing it because my friend Steven was wrestling at 128 pounds and he was a better wrestler than me, so I went up to 134, which is basically what I weighed when I was 14 or 15, whatever I was. | ||
| So it was pretty easy. | ||
| I didn't have to cut any weight at all, but then I cut weight for Taekwondo. | ||
| When I stopped wrestling and I started fighting in Taekwondo, I caught a lot of weight up until I was 17. And then when I was 17, I was still trying to make 140 pounds, but I'd be walking around at like 150 something and I would just starve myself and dehydrate myself. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| Really fucked with my performance. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I stopped doing it and I went up to 154 and when I went up to 154 I became way better. | ||
| That was when I got better. | ||
| I was holding myself back by the dieting. | ||
| And I think that's a big factor with wrestlers. | ||
| But one thing with wrestlers is that their mental toughness, because of that weight cutting, it's almost worth it. | ||
| Because it's super bad for your health to cut a lot of weight, but those guys who can do it and still compete, they have the ability to push through discomfort and just have a drive to win. | ||
| Very few sports can match. | ||
| Because very few sports... | ||
| Where will the athlete compete in a state of like uncomfort as much as wrestlers do? | ||
| They're just dieting, starving themselves, dehydrating themselves, and still going out there like fucking savages. | ||
| So it's just a A different kind of sport, man. | ||
| Different kind of sport. | ||
| But anyway, that girl basically beat my ass. | ||
| I mean, she didn't really beat my ass, but part of me was thinking... | ||
| And she was younger than you, too. | ||
| I think she was my age. | ||
| She was on the bus, too. | ||
| She was, like, taking the bus back. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| But I was thinking, I better not punch this girl. | ||
| Oh my god, so glad I didn't. | ||
| I got smacked by a gay kid in eighth grade. | ||
| Oh shit, you got pimp slapped? | ||
| I got pinched as this black kid, Keith. | ||
| He was really effeminate, and so we used to tease him. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not proud of it, but like at that age, you just kind of did. | ||
| It was like, you know... | ||
| I'm embarrassed by it. | ||
| Like, you know, I used to whatever, you know, cock your wrist and say shit. | ||
| And he turned around and fucking smacked me across the face. | ||
| And he stunned me. | ||
| I was like, holy shit. | ||
| And I didn't know what to do because he was part of a family. | ||
| There was projects in Tarrytown. | ||
| And there were cousins. | ||
| And there were families that had a lot of cousins. | ||
| And his cousins were some badass motherfuckers, the Davises. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And so... | ||
| This isn't to say I necessarily would have hit him after that for a number of reasons, one of which I was not that tough. | ||
| I was pretty tough with girls on Halloween. | ||
| But I think I was just so shocked. | ||
| Did you know that you deserved it? | ||
| Did you have a feeling? | ||
| I got hit a lot as a kid and I deserved it most of the time. | ||
| I got punched in the face in Times Square when I was about 14. Drinking Southern Comfort. | ||
| I walked past some guy who was like some fucking homeless drug addict who was like coughing up a loogie. | ||
| And so I started coughing really hard too, making fun of him. | ||
| He came back and punched me right in the face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| You don't want to get beat up by a junkie when you're a teenager. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not in the days of AIDS. Oh, that's right. | |
| It could have been an AIDS-y punch. | ||
| No, I used to get smacked around. | ||
| I was such a fucking asshole. | ||
| I was such a wise-ass. | ||
| Because I was the smallest kid. | ||
| So that was how I fit in. | ||
| I was the funny guy who made fun of everybody. | ||
| I would pick fights because then my friends would fight the fights. | ||
| I was that guy. | ||
| Well, certain things that kids like when they're growing up, and one of the big ones is things happening. | ||
| We like action. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We like something happening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If Fitzy's going to go fuck with that guy, they're going to kick his ass. | |
| Like... | ||
| Because we're bored. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We had no fucking internet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People love doing stuff like that. | |
| We had no phones. | ||
| We stood on a street corner for five hours. | ||
| That was Saturday night. | ||
| My friend Kenny would just start fights with people. | ||
| He would just go find someone like at a bus stop and just start beating his ass. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He would just go, come on, we're fighting. | ||
| Yeah, he was crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy. | |
| Yeah, I watched him fight. | ||
| I watched him get his ass kicked. | ||
| He did it once with this guy and the guy knew how to fight. | ||
| The guy was beating his ass. | ||
| Good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's just crazy. | ||
| What's the kid's name? | ||
| Kenny. | ||
| What was his deal? | ||
| He was just nuts. | ||
| He was older than us. | ||
| He's like one or two years older than us. | ||
| Big guy? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Not particularly big. | ||
| Just fucking tough as nails. | ||
| He had a boxing tattoo on his arm. | ||
| I think he had a Tasmanian devil with boxing gloves on, but he didn't really box. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just one of those things like never made it to an actual gym like maybe a couple of times Yeah, but we just start fights and wasn't really that good at it Yeah, it was he was just crazy He just he was crazy and he wanted to fight and he realized that with his limited Mentality and view of the world that the most fun that he had was when he was fighting So it's like well that means we fight and so he just would Want to fight all the time like one time my dog got hit by a car. | ||
| It was really sad man I lived on a busy street and my dog I opened the door and she got super excited to go for a walk. | ||
| And I didn't have her own a leash. | ||
| And she ran out into the street. | ||
| I just didn't anticipate her running. | ||
| She was usually pretty good about it. | ||
| And she ran out and she got nailed by a car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| It was so sad. | ||
| She died right in front of me. | ||
| I carried her back into the house. | ||
| And she shit herself. | ||
| Like, that's when I knew something. | ||
| I still didn't know something was wrong. | ||
| But looking back, I would have known. | ||
| She just shit all over the kitchen. | ||
| And I was like, I can't believe she shit herself. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| She never shits in the house. | ||
| And then she just slowly slipped away, just lied down, and just stopped breathing, man. | ||
| She just bled from the inside, internal bleeding. | ||
| She got hit by a Volkswagen bug. | ||
| What kind of dog? | ||
| She was a mix. | ||
| She was boxer, and I think she had some German Shepherd in her, too. | ||
| Sweet dog. | ||
| Sad shit, man. | ||
| It was sad shit. | ||
| It was a real bummer, man. | ||
| It was a real bummer. | ||
| But anyway, I told Kenny, I'd never had it. | ||
| I mean, I'd had dogs die. | ||
| We had a dog that we adopted that had distemper. | ||
| We wound up having to put it to sleep, started going crazy. | ||
| It was an adult dog. | ||
| Not adult, but it was over a year old. | ||
| And it was a Doberman, and it just started barking at us and snarling its teeth, and it just started losing its mind, and we got it to calm down enough we could get a leash on it and brought it to a vet, and the vet said it had to stamp her. | ||
| We had to put it down. | ||
| So I'd had that happen before, but I'd never... | ||
| Never seen a dog die in front of me. | ||
| Sad shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So I tell Kenny. | ||
| He's like, we're fighting. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Come on out. | ||
| We're fighting, Rogan. | ||
| You're fucking fighting. | ||
| No excuses tonight. | ||
| And we drove around and he wanted me to pick fights with people. | ||
| I'm like, dude, I'm not fucking fighting anybody. | ||
| Oh, because that's the way he would deal with his emotions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Yeah, pretty sure. | ||
| Sadness, fight. | ||
| Anger, fight. | ||
| Looking for excitement, fight. | ||
| And it's also, there's a thing about young guys where young guys always want to be the crazy one. | ||
| Like, oh, Mike's the fucking craziest. | ||
| Mike's fucking crazy. | ||
| Mike doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| And it becomes like a social status among young, especially, we were talking about this before the podcast. | ||
| Everybody our age was like a latchkey kid. | ||
| Everybody our age had a mom and a dad that worked, and they opened the fucking door in the morning, and you were off to the races. | ||
| You went to school, after school, they weren't home for hours, right? | ||
| You did a bunch of shit by yourself. | ||
| And most of the time, we're around other fucking savages our age. | ||
| So it's the abstract influence of the parents on the children that is really... | ||
| Like, giving you your experience for who you are as a young person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're experiencing how these people taught their kids and what the result was. | ||
| Because you're around the kids all the time. | ||
| You're not around your parents. | ||
| No, they say that you're raised by your peers after about the age of 12. You're basically, your parents are out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're raised by your peers. | ||
| Yeah, you're constantly with your friends in school. | ||
| You're constantly with your friends in any activities you have. | ||
| You're looking for their validation instead of your parents' validation. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And with my friends, it was always, who's the sickest fuck? | ||
| Oh, Mike's a sick fuck. | ||
| You know, Steve's the sickest fuck. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| And there was like a value in that because everybody was scared. | ||
| That was really at the bottom line of it. | ||
| We're all young men. | ||
| We're on our way to becoming adults and no one knows what the fuck they're going to do. | ||
| We have a few friends that have graduated high school and they're losers now and like, shit, that might be me. | ||
| Like, that was the big cloud that was always hanging over everybody's head. | ||
| What are you doing after high school? | ||
| What are you doing after high school? | ||
| And it was like this impending date of doom that was coming up. | ||
| So everybody was scared all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And everybody wanted to be a man. | ||
| They wanted to prove themselves. | ||
| They wanted to be something special and no one felt special. | ||
| You know, everybody felt like a fucking loser. | ||
| You know, we're all like waiting, waiting to become an adult so you could get a job like all these other people you knew that were around you or escape or figure out a way to escape. | ||
| Yeah, and then there's always the community college. | ||
| Like, people go, well, you know, I'll probably end up... | ||
| When you hear, I'll probably end up at the community college, that's going to be one semester and out. | ||
| I did that. | ||
| I went to Mass Bay, Mass Bay Community College. | ||
| I did it after a whole year. | ||
| I took a whole year off. | ||
| And I just, I only went back to school because I didn't want people thinking I was a loser. | ||
| So I did like maybe one semester at Mass Bay. | ||
| I don't even think I finished the semester. | ||
| And then I left and went to UMass. | ||
| UMass Boston had this like adult education program where you didn't have to have a GED or a, not GAD, SAT because I never took my SATs. | ||
| So when I graduated from high school, I'm like, I am never going to school again. | ||
| Like, fuck this. | ||
| But I got so tired of feeling like a fucking loser. | ||
| Like when I tell people I was taking, I would always say I was taking a year off. | ||
| Taking a year off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| But really, I just had no direction. | ||
| All I was doing was doing martial arts and competing. | ||
| And I just was so terrified of what the fuck the future lead. | ||
| And so I went to UMass for like three years, but not like three full years. | ||
| There was still a lot of credits to be acquired if I was going to graduate. | ||
| And I just was wasting my time. | ||
| I was barely paying attention. | ||
| I was completely half-assing whatever project we had. | ||
| And then I was realizing, like, why am I wasting my time? | ||
| And then I got some letter saying that I couldn't come back with the grades that I had unless I came up with some very compelling reason. | ||
| So they wanted me to make an argument for why they should include me back in the class. | ||
| And I wrote out in handwritten, because back then no one had a fucking typewriter, this total bullshit letter. | ||
| This ridiculous, persuasive, bullshitty letter about how important education is to me and how important it means. | ||
| And then I realized the amount of effort that I put writing this bullshit letter to keep these people from kicking me out of their school, which I wasn't paying attention to, Far exceeds any effort that I ever put on any project ever in class. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then I realized, okay, whatever I'm going to do with my life, it's not going to involve doing this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not going to involve someone else dictating my schedule. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, for whatever reason. | ||
| And you're like, clearly I can write. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Clearly I can bullshit. | ||
| Clearly I can think. | ||
| Maybe comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, I had a conversation with a science teacher. | ||
| This science teacher, and it was the same kind of thing. | ||
| I mocked him in class. | ||
| Not necessarily mocked him, but I brought up something that was contrary to what he was teaching. | ||
| He was talking about Lake Erie being a dead lake. | ||
| And I said, listen, man, they had a documentary on PBS last night about Lake Erie making a resurgence. | ||
| And these scientists have figured out these new ways to minimize water pollution and all this shit. | ||
| And other kids were looking at me like, what the fuck? | ||
| And he got pissed at me. | ||
| He got really pissed at me. | ||
| And he said, you're undermining my class and this and that. | ||
| I go, hey, man, you're teaching old shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is on TV, man. | ||
| This is on TV like yesterday. | ||
| And I had a conversation with him afterwards because I had to talk to him in order to get back in the class. | ||
| He kicked me out of the class. | ||
| And he said two things. | ||
| He said, one, he said, first of all, I don't know whether or not that was the case, whether or not it's true, and if I allow you to just interrupt my class and chime in something like that, and it's not true, I haven't fact checked it, you're telling the whole class, and I don't know if you're right or you're wrong or you're making things up, but you're interrupting my class. | ||
| That's the point. | ||
| If you have something to tell me about it, maybe you can tell me about it after the class, and then I can go and look it up, and then maybe I can correct the class. | ||
| He goes, but two, in interrupting the class, You showed yourself to be more articulate and more intelligent than you ever showed, ever, in the entire semester. | ||
| So you're totally half-assing everything you do. | ||
| Like your writing, everything, the paper you turn in, every test you do, every time I call upon you for a question, totally half-assed that. | ||
| But when you wanted to correct me on something, all of a sudden you knew all the words, you knew how to form the sentence correctly, you knew how to say it with the right impact. | ||
| He's like, your focus is off. | ||
| I was like, god damn, that dude's on the money. | ||
| And I realized, I'm like, yeah. | ||
| So I'm not stupid. | ||
| I just can't listen. | ||
| I can't do it their way. | ||
| I gotta do it my way. | ||
| But I could. | ||
| I just didn't. | ||
| I grew up not having any direction. | ||
| So if someone doesn't tell you what to do all your life, essentially you're just out free. | ||
| I would go fishing. | ||
| I'd hang out with my friends in the fucking woods. | ||
| We'd just go find shit to do. | ||
| And then all of a sudden you're in school and they're telling you everything you have to do all day. | ||
| Like, I'm not ready for that. | ||
| I'm not equipped for that. | ||
| Not only that, like, you're sitting in... | ||
| I'm fucking shocked when my kid tells me about it. | ||
| I go, what was your schedule today? | ||
| Well, you know, at 8.15 we sat down for 15 minutes for homeroom. | ||
| Then at 8.30 I go to my first class, which is an hour and 15 minutes. | ||
| Then we get five minutes off and we go to another class that's two hours. | ||
| They got these long fucking glasses and it goes like that till 3 o'clock. | ||
| They get like 25 minutes for lunch and they're sitting boys with fucking chemicals racing through their bodies and girls at the next desk with fucking short shorts and cleavage and little brown titties sticking up. | ||
| You know when the breeze hits them and they get a little bit of goose bumps on the inside of the cleavage and that cross Jesus is just wedged right in between those two brown fucking heads. | ||
| Or the Italian horn. | ||
| The Italian horn. | ||
| And it's got glitter on it. | ||
| You remember the people who wore the Italian horn? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| How about charm bracelets? | ||
| Charm bracelets. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The fucking flip-flops. | ||
| Her little toes. | ||
| She just painted them. | ||
| Ooh, the toes. | ||
| Very important. | ||
| The girl doesn't take care of her toes. | ||
| No. | ||
| You can't trust her with her pussy. | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| Show me your feet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry, ladies. | |
| I hate to do this on Equal Pay Day. | ||
| So rude. | ||
| Oh yeah, no, you're going into the salon. | ||
| You're going to get your fucking nails done after you get your cooch done. | ||
| Wow, very important for Greg Fitzsimmons. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, the idea of letting those kids... | ||
| Get trapped in that system. | ||
| Where all day, you're just doing that. | ||
| And then you get out. | ||
| Listening passively. | ||
| And then you get out and you have more work to do at home. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That just sort of eliminated any social life you might have. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You would think that that would be enough. | ||
| That going to school from 7 to 3. Every fucking day. | ||
| Or whatever it is. | ||
| It's a goddamn 8 hour job. | ||
| It's almost like an 8 hour job. | ||
| And then you have homework. | ||
| Where you're really working. | ||
| The average 8 hour job, you're checking your email half that time. | ||
| The average person that's working is at a cubicle. | ||
| I talk to people at shows. | ||
| I listen to your podcast all the time. | ||
| When? | ||
| At work? | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| You know, I work in an office. | ||
| Insurance. | ||
| Shouldn't you be selling insurance? | ||
| Ah! | ||
| You know, I listen to Rogan's podcast every day. | ||
| That's three hours! | ||
| Yeah, you know. | ||
| They're barely working. | ||
| Nobody fucking works. | ||
| Nobody's working. | ||
| Especially if you have any sort of gig with any flexibility. | ||
| Like, you could just be on your own. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you're on your own? | ||
| You can get it done in a couple hours. | ||
| Most, you go to Europe, and a lot of business models are, it's a shorter work day, it's a longer lunch, more vacations. | ||
| They get the same shit done. | ||
| You shouldn't have five days a week either. | ||
| It should be four. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Four's good. | ||
| Three days off is good. | ||
| When Jamie and I do podcasts, we do more than four days, I'm like, what are we doing, working? | ||
| Like, we'll come in on the fifth day, I'm like, Jesus, Jamie, what are we working? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even if it's like a fight companion, I'm like, look at us, we're here again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Back in the fucking office, and this is the greatest job of all time. | ||
| Imagine if you're selling insurance, you know, or Hyundais. | ||
| We're really coming down on insurance salesmen. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| It's a hack premise. | ||
| It's easy to chip on. | ||
| Well... | ||
| Insurance is an interesting gig because if you're on the side where you're writing policies and you're coming up with the fucking numbers on like... | ||
| Because I remember when I was at Boston University, there was a guy in the administration that had figured out the insurance policies. | ||
| You can take out insurance policies on every student in the university. | ||
| Pay for them. | ||
| And then the policies would pay back to Boston University if you died. | ||
| They were life insurance policies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Because this guy looked at the numbers and he crunched them and he goes, you know what? | ||
| This is a fucking great deal. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| These kids fucking die more often than the insurance company thinks. | ||
| So they literally took out insurance policies on 30,000 kids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's insane. | |
| Payable back to the university. | ||
| And there was a big blow up in the newspaper about it. | ||
| I was making jokes, but I was like, yeah, I was wondering why they took all the traffic lights down on Commonwealth Avenue. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How crazy are they? | ||
| They think they can get money when you die. | ||
| What a bunch of fucking assholes. | ||
| That's what people used to do when there was no internet. | ||
| Get away with doing shit like that. | ||
| No one knew about it for years. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah, they probably didn't know about it forever. | ||
| Somebody had to probably blow the whistle. | ||
| Well, there was a good student newspaper in Boston at BU. BU had a great paper. | ||
| It was one of the best ones in the country. | ||
| And they cracked the case. | ||
| And they also led... | ||
| We were very political. | ||
| We protested against apartheid. | ||
| And then they wouldn't allow opposite sex students to sleep in somebody's room. | ||
| They had a no overnight policy at BU like in fucking 1989. Really? | ||
| So there was protests about that, which is also really fucking weird because what about gay people? | ||
| Ooh, right. | ||
| They can just bang it up. | ||
| They can bang it. | ||
| Guys can literally fuck each other in the ass. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| Bang it up. | ||
| You know. | ||
| There's probably a few problems. | ||
| Probably a few problems. | ||
| Just hemorrhoids. | ||
| Remember when you used to, if you dated a girl that had a dorm, you used to find the time where her roommate agreed to be out of the room so you could fuck? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or you would come back into the room after the roommate fucked, and it'd just smell like a fucking walrus's asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, Jesus. | ||
| No ventilation, no window. | ||
| What the fuck are you people down in this room? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Ass. | ||
| Through all the other smells, the ass smell would come first. | ||
| Well, yeah, because nobody... | ||
| Look, if you're not using a bidet, people are wiping their ass. | ||
| And back then, no one even shaved. | ||
| Girls had asshole hair standard. | ||
| It was standard. | ||
| You'd find dingleberries on girls all the time. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| People just smudge that shit. | ||
| After they poop, they smudge that shit. | ||
| Smudge it around. | ||
| Yeah, and then when you're fucking, you're sweating and pounding, and the grease from your sweat gets in her ass, cracking. | ||
| The jizz goes down through the taint into her asshole, swishes around with the shit stain. | ||
| And with each pump of your hips, you're wafting smells through the air, and it permeates the atmosphere, and it sticks to the curtains. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| It's like a fireplace bellows for a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shh! | |
| It's a furnace! | ||
| Her asshole's a furnace and you're fucking pumping air onto it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit and pussy and B.O. And there's no windows. | |
| The room is like a jail cell. | ||
| It's like eight by ten. | ||
| And the dude probably smells like shit, too. | ||
| They probably both smell terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So he's sweating, and his asshole's dirty, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
His asshole's exposed. | |
| He's probably even dirtier. | ||
| His asshole's probably more of a disaster area. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| He's probably hairier, right? | ||
| So as he's sweating, his sweat's going down the crack of his ass, and that's all wafting in the room as well. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Fucking armpits. | ||
| Yeah, that was intense, man. | ||
| That was some intense smells back then. | ||
| And then you didn't clean your sheets. | ||
| Especially in January. | ||
| There was no maid. | ||
| There was no mother. | ||
| Here's my laundry cycle in college. | ||
| I had 30 pairs of underwear, 30 t-shirts, 30 pairs of socks, one pair of sheets. | ||
| And once a month, I went downstairs and I shoved all that shit into the fucking oversized washing machine and I was done. | ||
| And if those sheets got cum on them, which they did, Joe Rogan, on a regular basis... | ||
| They stayed that way. | ||
| They stayed caked. | ||
| That was like the sheet at a fucking Jack Shack at 7pm. | ||
| Full of DNA. Ari Shaffir didn't change his sheets for six months. | ||
| As an adult? | ||
| As an adult. | ||
| When he was working at the store. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Didn't want to. | ||
| Lazy. | ||
| Never cleaned his room. | ||
| His apartment was a disaster. | ||
| And then one day he smartened up and just cleaned the whole place out. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now he's a neat freak. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he realized. | ||
| I stayed in his apartment in New York. | ||
| It was fucking nice. | ||
| Yeah, he realized. | ||
| Tight. | ||
| Look, Ari Shafir's a smart dude. | ||
| He's a smart dude. | ||
| He bounces back. | ||
| He figures shit out. | ||
| He figures shit out and he bounces back. | ||
| You know he's been off the grid for three months now? | ||
| Nobody knows where he is? | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah, it was pictures of him in Vietnam. | ||
| Some people found him in Vietnam. | ||
| They took pictures of him and they put it online. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| He shut off his phone. | ||
| Doesn't accept incoming calls. | ||
| He's not answering emails. | ||
| He told Comedy Central, fuck you, I'm disappearing for three months. | ||
| Told all his friends, told all of us, hey, see you guys in a few months. | ||
| I don't know how long. | ||
| I'm just gonna go have fun. | ||
| He goes, I just want to disconnect. | ||
| So he just completely disconnected. | ||
| He's been traveling. | ||
| How long ago was this? | ||
| Three months ago. | ||
| He did a podcast with Henry Rollins. | ||
| This is where he fucked up. | ||
| He did a podcast with Henry Rollins. | ||
| Henry Rollins is a fascinating guy. | ||
| Fascinating guy. | ||
| Angry motherfucker. | ||
| He's very angry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But when you talk to him and you get to know his story, all the pieces sort of fall into place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was one of the earliest children that they put on Prozac. | ||
| Or Ritalin, excuse me. | ||
| Ritalin. | ||
| They put him on Ritalin, which is speed, when he was really young, like five. | ||
| And so he would talk about how he'd go to school just white-knuckling until the Ritalin wear off. | ||
| And the Ritalin would wear off like at the end of the day. | ||
| He would finally calm down. | ||
| So his whole life he was just like jacked up on speed. | ||
| Like his development cycle was kind of like impaired by being jacked up on speed. | ||
| In my opinion, the way he describes it, I don't understand how... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's not a rational argument to me. | ||
| That it wouldn't have any significant impact on his life, being on speed all throughout his childhood years. | ||
| Until he discovered exercise. | ||
| Started exercising in high school and then he slowly got off the Ritalin and all that stuff. | ||
| But so he's developmentally, like, that was challenged in a lot of ways. | ||
| But he's a fascinating guy, man. | ||
| He just picks a spot on a map like Bali. | ||
| Okay, let's go see Bali. | ||
| Hedy Rollins. | ||
| Yep, by himself. | ||
| He just goes there, brings a laptop so he can write, brings cameras so he can take pictures, and just writes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just does that and travels all over the world. | ||
| Just goes to all these different places. | ||
| He goes and hangs out with Bedouins in the desert. | ||
| He goes and listens to weird, crazy music these people are making and it's weird cultures. | ||
| He just shows up in Africa, shows up in all these different places, just goes there, flies in. | ||
| So Ari has a podcast and I think Ari was so compelled by the idea of just completely just picking a spot and going. | ||
| That Ari decided for his own, because Ari's like super cognizant about after he does a special, like how he needs more material. | ||
| So what he does is he filmed a special, filmed it, edited it, and then disappeared. | ||
| Then just vanished for like three months. | ||
| As of right now, three months. | ||
| And what's your theory on where he is? | ||
| I don't have one. | ||
| I'm going to wait. | ||
| I'm going to wait until he comes back, and then I'm going to talk to him, see what's up. | ||
| And he might not even want to talk about it. | ||
| You know, I mean, Ari's such an interesting guy. | ||
| He might just decide, eh, had a good time. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want to talk about it. | ||
| And I'd be like, alright. | ||
| And maybe he'll decide that the great experiences would best be reserved for the stage. | ||
| He might have cultivated some really good experiences he wants to only get about on stage. | ||
| He's a weird guy, but in the best way. | ||
| In the best way. | ||
| I mean, there's a sense of fairness about him also. | ||
| I remember, because I did his show last season, and we did a rehearsal for it at the comedy store in the belly room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And all of a sudden, I get this fucking nice check. | |
| And it's like, oh no, Ari wanted all you guys to split this money. | ||
| And then I did another show from somewhere else, and it was like, I mean, it's like, you do the same thing, but he does it to a point where it's like, he's very aware of being as fair as possible all the time. | ||
| Like, when we did his TV show, he gave us all a gift. | ||
| I won't say what it was, but it was illegal. | ||
| Ha ha! | ||
| And every single person... | ||
| And it was expensive. | ||
| And every single person got this gift. | ||
| Like, he's very thoughtful about that kind of shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's just an awesome guy. | ||
| When I met him, he was an open-miker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, a raw open-miker. | ||
| Just started. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Young guy. | ||
| Just got to the store. | ||
| Working as a doorman. | ||
| And then, uh, one day, I was supposed to take Mike Young with me. | ||
| And, uh, Mike Young was doing a road with me a little bit. | ||
| And Mike Young couldn't make it. | ||
| So, uh... | ||
| I took Ari, and he had never really been paid before. | ||
| You know, never really done, like... | ||
| I think he'd gone out with Pauly, done some shows with Pauly, but I don't know. | ||
| Like, he never... | ||
| I think I brought him to the Comedy Works in Denver. | ||
| He crushed. | ||
| And while he was on stage crushing, I hold the phone up for Mike Young. | ||
| I go, you fucked up, Mike! | ||
| I go, listen! | ||
| And Ari was on stage killing. | ||
| He's like, no, no, no, and I hung up on him. | ||
| Ha! | ||
| Ha! | ||
| You fucked up. | ||
| Ari's funny. | ||
| Ari's my new guy. | ||
| It was just cool knowing him, too, as an open-miker. | ||
| Knowing him as a guy who just started out and now seeing him as a guy with a television show, a successful podcast, but even more important, a truly independent thinker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He really is independent. | ||
| He thinks his own way. | ||
| He doesn't let anybody influence... | ||
| I mean, he'll take suggestions. | ||
| He'll talk to people. | ||
| He's reasonable. | ||
| But he has an idea of what he wants to do with his life, and he's just doing it. | ||
| He's just a fucking super smart dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, I thought he was in New York. | ||
| I was bummed because I'm going to be in New York for the summer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He might be. | |
| He might be by now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think when he re-emerges, he may end up in New York. | ||
| I get this feeling. | ||
| I'm sure one day I'll just get a, what's up, faggot? | ||
| Text out of nowhere. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, he's back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| God, that's weird. | ||
| I had no idea it was that long. | ||
| I heard he was away, but I don't know. | ||
| It was three months. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's freaking everybody out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Duncan's like, dude, what do I do? | ||
| I don't know where he is. | ||
| Like, Duncan's staying in his apartment in New York. | ||
| Oh, he is? | ||
| He's like, man, he was supposed to be back a month ago. | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I just gotta accept it. | ||
| Hopefully he's not dead. | ||
| So is Duncan going to stay in New York when Ari gets back? | ||
| I believe so. | ||
| I believe Duncan likes it there. | ||
| Good. | ||
| He's been doing a lot of stand-up there. | ||
| He's been traveling, doing all the- I'm shooting this crashing show from May until August in New York. | ||
| In New York? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So I got to be in Brooklyn the first month because it's a writing month. | ||
| We got offices out there and then three months we'll be shooting all around the city and wherever. | ||
| So if anybody has an apartment for me in New York, June, July, and August, I'll fucking take it. | ||
| Can I announce a couple dates? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, you're like an old school radio guy. | ||
| Coming up, folks! | ||
| We've got some plugs. | ||
| We're going to be at the Philadelphia Helium, April 27th. | ||
| That's a good club, right? | ||
| One of the best clubs ever. | ||
| 27 through 29. And then here's one that I think you like just as much, if not more. | ||
| Denver Comedy Works, May 4th through the 6th. | ||
| That might be number one. | ||
| If it's not number one, it's right up there with the Ice House. | ||
| How fucking happy am I right now? | ||
| Oh, that's a good gig. | ||
| You got two good fucking bangers in a row there, fella. | ||
| And then Mohegan Sun in Connecticut, May 11th through the 13th. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| Don't turn your thumb down either. | ||
| Just don't do it. | ||
| People from Connecticut get so mad. | ||
| Brooklyn, The Bell House, June 3rd. | ||
| You ever play The Bell House in Brooklyn? | ||
| No. | ||
| Good spot? | ||
| Yeah, it's supposed to be great. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I haven't played Brooklyn in forever. | ||
| You should get there, man. | ||
| I used to do... | ||
| There was a comedy club in Brooklyn back in the day. | ||
| There was a comedy club in Bensonhurst. | ||
| Oh, right! | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| What the fuck was that? | ||
| Wasn't it next to a gym? | ||
| Like a big meathead gym? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I think it was. | ||
| Remember the one in, um, the one that Dice started out? | ||
| Pips. | ||
| Mr. Pips? | ||
| Yeah, Pips in Brooklyn. | ||
| I think it was just Pips. | ||
| Mr. Pip is the drink, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Pips in Brooklyn. | ||
| Yeah, that's Joey Cola told me he was on stage there, and a guy showed him his gun. | ||
| Said he's on stage. | ||
| The guy's heckling him. | ||
| And he's like a mob guy. | ||
| And the guy's just looking at him going, fuck you. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| And Joey's like, hey, what's your fucking problem? | ||
| And the guy pulls his jack aside and shows him a gun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like, oh, Jesus. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And the club wouldn't do nothing. | ||
| Just had to tell your jokes. | ||
| Good night, everybody. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That's a... | ||
| That's a distracted second half of your set. | ||
| You're not thinking about much else except that gun. | ||
| You're getting through it. | ||
| That's all you're doing. | ||
| You ain't getting any laughs. | ||
| That guy just decided to fuck your life up, and he might kill you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of those guys. | ||
| Did you ever read Murder Machine? | ||
| No. | ||
| Murder Machine is about Roy DeMeo, who is a famous hitman, murderer, capo fucking character in the mob. | ||
| People who are like mob historians are probably mad at me right now. | ||
| But it's a book that Joey Diaz gave me. | ||
| And it's, you can't put it down. | ||
| Start reading it, you can't put it down. | ||
| It's all about how horrific this fucking guy was and how many people he killed. | ||
| It's like the Iceman Cometh? | ||
| Something like that, but he worked, he was a mob guy himself. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| And they had a bar that was downstairs and above the bar they had an apartment and they would kill people in the apartment and cut them up in the tub and they killed hundreds of people. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| He just killed people for fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He was killing people left and right. | ||
| It started out, he was killing people, like, you know, mobbed things and, you know, someone owed money or something, and then he just was killing people. | ||
| Just on the weekends, unwind. | ||
| Didn't trust people, started killing them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't like the way you're looking at me, dead. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Just killing people. | ||
| It's a crazy book, man. | ||
| It's a crazy book. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he go to jail? | |
| I don't remember. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| See what happened with Roy DeMeo. | ||
| Murder Machine was the name of the book. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joey Diaz is like, dog, you gotta fucking read this. | |
| You gotta read this. | ||
| I couldn't put it down. | ||
| I couldn't put it down. | ||
| Un-fucking-believable. | ||
| And it's just some fucking complete psychopath and a group of other psychopaths. | ||
| Why is it we can't stop? | ||
| Like, you know, Karen Kilgariff has that podcast, My Favorite Murder. | ||
| Is that all about murders? | ||
| Every week they talk about a different... | ||
| The gruesome murder that took place. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| But what is it about us that, like, I love the Iceman Cometh, and there was another one that was about a serial killer. | ||
| I mean, just earlier, talking about the Angel of Death guy. | ||
| Like, what is it about us that is so interested in people that take human life? | ||
| Do you think that it's like a part of us that it's an unexpressed thing? | ||
| Like, if we were cavemen, we would kill. | ||
| I think there's a lot of energy attached to it, meaning negative energy, but still energy. | ||
| You can't look away. | ||
| It's the same reason why you watch car accidents or you watch YouTube videos about someone doing a stunt that goes wrong and they accidentally drive off a bridge. | ||
| I don't know if you've ever seen the one. | ||
| The guy in the wingsuit tries to buzz a bridge and he calculates it wrong. | ||
| He slams into the bridge and it sounds like a fucking car accident. | ||
| He slams into the bridge going like, who knows, 150 miles an hour or something crazy like that. | ||
| It's horrific. | ||
| And then he just falls straight down in the water? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he hit the bridge so hard. | ||
| He might have just... | ||
| I mean, if he didn't have the suit on... | ||
| He might have just exploded into like a ball of jello or something, you know? | ||
| But because he had the suit on, it kind of kept all the blood and body parts in place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He hit it so hard, dude. | ||
| I mean, it literally sounded like a car accident. | ||
| Because he's slamming into the metal of the bridge at a hundred fucking whatever miles an hour. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With nothing on but a helmet. | ||
| Do you regret having seen that? | ||
| Like, is that in your mind? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| No, it's not pleasant. | ||
| But there's something about those things. | ||
| It's like there's an energy attached to it. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| Fuck! | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's a great Twitter page called Hold My Beer. | ||
| And it's all like, hold my beer while I light this firework off in my mouth. | ||
| Hold my beer while I go and pet this tiger. | ||
| One fucking horrific disaster after another. | ||
| We're just like, what the fuck, man? | ||
| Yeah, like this one. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Watch this one. | ||
| Hold my beer while I become a rocket turret. | ||
| Watch this guy. | ||
| He's got a firebomb in his face. | ||
| Just fucking... | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| Just cooks his face. | ||
| This one is ridiculous. | ||
| Hold my beer while I grab that glass musical chair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this. | |
| It looked like a girl, too, didn't it? | ||
| A girl just took that dude out. | ||
| That's fucking great. | ||
| Watch this one. | ||
| Hold our beers while we go skateboarding down this hill. | ||
| This one's fucking horrific. | ||
| These guys come down the hill, and they just have no way to stop their skateboarding. | ||
| Yeah, it's a little thin lane. | ||
| You can't even cut back. | ||
| Watch this, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| Son. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's like America's Funniest Home Videos for grown-ups. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But I never got into watching the Faces of Death and shit like that. | ||
| Although a lot of those I think were fake. | ||
| But there are obviously beheadings. | ||
| Have you ever watched a beheading? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You have? | ||
| Not good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You regret it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But why do people watch them? | ||
| Again, it's because there's energy attached to it. | ||
| You know there's a consequence of what's happening. | ||
| You're watching something. | ||
| Even if the consequence doesn't really manifest itself, like watching people do bouncing acts on the top of skyscrapers, even if you know they survived, which is how you got the footage in the first place, it still freaks you the fuck out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't stop. | ||
| You know Kelly Slater, the surfer? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He sends me those. | ||
| He knows they freak me out. | ||
| So we send each other back and forth fucked up videos about dudes doing balancing acts on the side of buildings. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| I can't watch those, man. | ||
| My hands start sweating. | ||
| My asshole starts squeezing. | ||
| I just go, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of that shit in Russia. | ||
| Dudes hanging off the sides of buildings by their fingertips. | ||
| You ever see those? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Dude, they're doing like hanging with one arm. | ||
| You know how hard it is to fucking hang from one arm? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And to hang from one arm when you're 700 feet in the air or something crazy? | ||
| It just makes you think how little human life means in Russia. | ||
| Those dudes will kill at the drop of a hat. | ||
| Is that Alex? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, that's Alex Honnold. | ||
| He's been on the podcast before. | ||
| He's insane. | ||
| He is so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He frees solos, which means... | ||
| Look, my hands are... | ||
| Feel my hands. | ||
| Yeah, so are mine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sweat. | |
| Feel mine. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Sweaty. | ||
| Go back to Alex though, because these guys are fucking crazy. | ||
| Alex is like the number one free solo guy in the world, or at least one of the number one guys. | ||
| And what that means is he doesn't use ropes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he'll map out a climb. | ||
| Sometimes he'll map it out. | ||
| Sometimes there's just a path that you can take. | ||
| And sometimes he'll map it out with ropes. | ||
| But he's like, you know, honestly, even while I'm doing it with the ropes, I don't really need the ropes. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck? | ||
| And so he does this and he freaks people out. | ||
| And he freaks out even experienced climbers. | ||
| There was a documentary they did about him where this guy was like an experienced climber. | ||
| It was like, it's not if he's going to die. | ||
| It's a matter of when he's going to die. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And that's probably a helicopter taking his picture. | ||
| Or a drone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right, a drone. | ||
| Fucking A, man. | ||
| If it's a helicopter, it'd probably be too dangerous. | ||
| The breeze from the helicopter would be super dangerous. | ||
| I used to do shit like that. | ||
| I got a picture of me hanging off my friend's fourth floor balcony by my knees. | ||
| I used to do that shit all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's in my book. | ||
| I got the picture in my book. | ||
| Jesus Christ, dude. | ||
| Yeah, I used to like to freak people out. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| This Alex Honnold dude, sometimes he climbs things that aren't even straight up and down. | ||
| They bend backwards, like they're at a certain degree facing forward. | ||
| Who's this girl? | ||
| Oh, I've seen this. | ||
| She's hot as fuck. | ||
| This is the whole video where they went up to it. | ||
| This girl grabbed a guy's hand and he held her over the edge. | ||
| Yeah, that girl was so crazy to trust that guy. | ||
| He can fuck her forever, by the way. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| He owns it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so insane. | |
| Freaks me the fuck out, but I don't stop. | ||
| I can't watch this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop it. | |
| Stop what you're doing. | ||
| Freaking me out. | ||
| I can't do this and still talk because I can't I can't talk and then do that I watch those things I might have a massive physical effect on me. | ||
| Yeah, but Alex anyway, he climbed stuff that's facing forward So he's literally hanging straight up and down Wedging his hands into these cracks and like moving along and he's got to like reach in for the powder and powder the thing he was on the podcast he told me the story about how he was climbing once and And he realized when he was halfway up this mountain that he forgot his powder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| So he gets to these fucking people. | ||
| They're also climbing. | ||
| And they're on ropes. | ||
| And he goes, hey man, can I borrow your powder? | ||
| And the guy's like, okay. | ||
| And the guy gives him his powder bag. | ||
| And then when he got to the top, he left the powder bag for the dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's insane. | ||
| He's insane. | ||
| He's climbing. | ||
| He's like, what did I forget? | ||
| I got my fingers. | ||
| That's all I need. | ||
| Oh, the powder. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| What do you call that thing that the guy died under the bridge? | ||
| A bat suit? | ||
| A wing suit. | ||
| A wing suit. | ||
| There was a whole thing on, I don't know if it was HBO Sports or 60 Minutes about the people that do that. | ||
| My friend Andy does it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| My friend Andy's a world record holder. | ||
| But the mortality rate is extremely high. | ||
| It's like 10%. | ||
| He took two guys off the mountain last year that died doing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he's a maniac, but he's got the longest distance ever that someone's ever done in one of those fucking wingsuits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How far did he go? | ||
| Something saying, like 30 miles or something? | ||
| Yeah, and they like to glide along the sides of cliffs and shit. | ||
| 18 miles. | ||
| 18 miles? | ||
| 18 miles. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| With no break. | ||
| All you can do is catch a gust of wind and you're fucking toast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or you're toast. | ||
| Go full screen on this bitch. | ||
| This is so insane. | ||
| Look how fucking high he is. | ||
| Oh, he jumped out of a helicopter. | ||
| I don't think that's a helicopter. | ||
| I think that's a plane. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| Yeah, that's a plane. | ||
| I think a helicopter would be a harder thing to jump out of, I'm just guessing, because the way the wind is pressing downward. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know shit about what would happen. | ||
| Yeah, there it is, a plane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he gets up there. | ||
| And he does this all the fucking time. | ||
| He'll send me pictures because he knows it freaks me out. | ||
| He'll send me pictures of him jumping off some fucking mountain in Guatemala or something. | ||
| Like, look at that. | ||
| This is so insane. | ||
| He's going 163 miles an hour. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Wow. | ||
| Dude, this is how we're going to be dropping our troops into the next battle. | ||
| No, not too many people would be willing to do it. | ||
| Well, not willing, rather. | ||
| Capable. | ||
| I think you would... | ||
| You've got to be a special person to be able to pull off a fucking flying squirrel suit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| You ever jump out of a plane? | ||
| No! | ||
| You don't want to do it? | ||
| Fuck that! | ||
| I'd do it. | ||
| You should do it then. | ||
| Just don't tease me. | ||
| Jumping off the mountain is way crazier when they're just skimming it instead of jumping out of a plane where you're... | ||
| Yeah, no, this guy's parachuting. | ||
| That's cool, but that's not like these guys on 60 Minutes. | ||
| They were skimming the sides of cliffs. | ||
| He does it too. | ||
| He does that same shit too. | ||
| Oh, he does that too. | ||
| He does the whole thing. | ||
| This is just the world record. | ||
| This is the furthest distance ever. | ||
| Fuck all that, man. | ||
| 18 miles. | ||
| He took my friend Cam up. | ||
| Cam went skydive the other day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, I don't like free-falling. | ||
| I know I don't like that feeling like I've been on bungee cords, and it's pure fucking torture. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When your stomach drops out on you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That doesn't feel good. | ||
| No, that's not good. | ||
| But I think it equalizes when you jump out of a plane, doesn't it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But I know that Brian, Brian Redband, his dad used to work with this lady, and the girl was always like, hey, why don't you go skydiving with us? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's like, yeah, I will. | ||
| One day, one day. | ||
| Then one day he gets there on Monday. | ||
| You know, where's so-and-so? | ||
| You didn't hear her? | ||
| She died skydiving. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Shhh! | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Shoot didn't open up. | ||
| Backup shoot didn't open up. | ||
| Here comes the ground. | ||
| 160 miles an hour. | ||
| boom you just bounce off that fucking ground and become jello yeah all your organs just crushed to the bottom of your body everything's destroyed yeah you might go through a barn or something slam through a barn slam into some fence posts 160 miles an hour just tears you in half yeah fuck man fuck yeah i don't even like roller coasters anymore we | ||
| I did a roller coaster two years ago in Florida, Busch Gardens. | ||
| If you're into roller coasters, Disney and Universal, they've got a couple that are good, but Busch Gardens is like the redneck paradise. | ||
| It's like the guys, the fucking carnies. | ||
| They run these ancient roller coasters that are insane, like the twisting corkscrews, but there's like 10 of them. | ||
| And you can ride every one of them three times in a day. | ||
| Fuck Orlando. | ||
| Drive down to Tampa. | ||
| Go to Busch Gardens. | ||
| But I went and it fucked up my neck. | ||
| To this day, I have a bad neck from spinning around on those fucking roller coasters. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I already had a bad neck, but it tweaked it in a way that I've never come back from. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, the inertia when you're on those things, have you ever done the, what is the one, there's a crazy one at six flags, like the X something or another, where you go upside down and back and forth, you're in a harness, they strap you into this thing, and you flip up and down, you spin around, and you're going on a roller coaster. | ||
| So you're on a roller coaster and you're spinning around in circles, and you get off that thing like, what the fuck is wrong with me? | ||
| Like, I'm getting nauseous just thinking about it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| My son and his friends are into that shit. | ||
| When you're 16, it's fucking perfect. | ||
| Yeah, they want to make something happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When you're 16, you want something to take place. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go. | |
| I want something to happen here. | ||
| That's why I had sex so much when I was young is I just wanted something to do. | ||
| It was a goal that you could achieve and then you could go back and tell your friends about it. | ||
| You had a story. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't care about the girls. | ||
| I hate to say that. | ||
| I really didn't care about the girls. | ||
| I didn't have a girlfriend until I was in college. | ||
| I didn't even think about having a girlfriend. | ||
| When you first started having sex, did you not want to do anything else? | ||
| All I wanted to do was masturbate and have sex. | ||
| I used to have a joke about it when my dad was like, what happened to baseball? | ||
| I'm like, oh, I found this new thing. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I like it better. | ||
| The fuck out of here hitting that stupid ball with a stick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hitting a ball. | |
| What are you... | ||
| There's no chicks out there? | ||
| There's no girls that come to baseball games? | ||
| When I got off school... | ||
| All of a sudden you're dressed in fucking Jordache jeans and you're flaring your hair back. | ||
| What happened to baseball? | ||
| I found pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Like the first like steady, like all the time sex that I got, I think I was either 16 or 17. And I had a girlfriend who was a year younger than me. | ||
| And you know why I was nervous about it? | ||
| Because when I turned 18, people were telling me that I could get arrested. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Because she was only 17. Like you get arrested for statutory rape. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| But we dated before when it was okay. | ||
| But it doesn't matter. | ||
| You have to stop. | ||
| I was like, oh my god. | ||
| And I was terrified. | ||
| I thought I was going to go to jail. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That means when you're 18, you have to only bang someone your age or older. | ||
| Well, I'll take it a step further. | ||
| I've been talking about this in my act of, like, how I still jerk off to, like, I'll think about girls from high school that I went to high school with, and I'll jerk off to them. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And then I got the yearbook, and I looked up this one girl, Jill, I won't say her last name, and I was jerking off to her picture, and then I was like, I think this is wrong. | ||
| But then I thought, no, because I used to jerk off to her before I was an adult, so maybe I'm grandfathered in. | ||
| I would say you are. | ||
| I'm grandfathered in, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you start jerking off to one of your kids' 17-year-old friends, that's fucked up. | ||
| That's fucked up. | ||
| That's a felony. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| If you get pictures, if I look at a yearbook, like, say I find a 2016 yearbook. | ||
| Right. | ||
| From Hollywood High School. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I find it at a flea market and I take it home and I'm jerking off to girls that are 14, 15, 16 years old. | ||
| Is that not kiddie porn? | ||
| No, because there's no pornography. | ||
| It's 100% up to your imagination. | ||
| It's like if you see a girl... | ||
| Have you seen those varsity field hockey skirts? | ||
| No, I'm not into that. | ||
| But if you see a girl walking down the street and you think she's on the edge, like 17 or 18, you don't know. | ||
| Like, I don't even know. | ||
| I'm just gonna say she's 19 and just, you know, I'm just guessing. | ||
| And then you go beat off. | ||
| Are you any worse than if you knew she was 17? | ||
| If you see her, she's got a big fat ass and big juicy young titties and she's walking down the street like, oh my god, I can't believe she's only 17. And then you go home and jerk off to her. | ||
| That's different, right? | ||
| Knowing. | ||
| Knowing makes it creepy. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes, because you're jerking off to the age as well as the image. | ||
| If you're just jerking off to the image, you're fine. | ||
| Yeah, if you just see the girl walking down the street and she's like, God, I don't know. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Is it legal? | ||
| It's like, if you're going to shoot a moose, they have to be 52 inches in Alaska, which means... | ||
| Which means the antlers have to have either a certain amount of brow tines or they have to be a certain distance apart from each other. | ||
| Meaning they want the hunters only to hunt mature animals that have already bred. | ||
| That's the idea of the conservation aspect of it to keep the breeding population strong. | ||
| So when you're ready to shoot an animal, especially if you're using a rifle, you have to be really sure. | ||
| You have to like, boy, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's coming. | ||
| I don't know if he's legal. | ||
| Let's back out. | ||
| Let's back out. | ||
| And it happens all the time where guys are like, fuck! | ||
| And then, you know, it turns out it was legal. | ||
| Or if it wasn't legal, that's a good thing they didn't shoot it. | ||
| Because even though it's an arbitrary thing, or a weird thing, like trying to decipher whether or not something is 50 plus inches from 200 yards away. | ||
| Like you're just kind of guessing in a lot of ways. | ||
| It's really important because if you fuck up and you shoot one that's young, you're in deep shit. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So you could just make a mistake and shoot a bull that's 45 inches. | ||
| You're fucked. | ||
| You'll lose your license. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You're gonna have to pay a fine. | ||
| You lose the animal. | ||
| You won't be able to take the animal home. | ||
| And they check. | ||
| Yeah, they'll check. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And all the meat that you got from that animal, you're fucked. | ||
| Unless you poach it, unless you decide to not tell anybody, which people do do. | ||
| They especially do if they realize they fucked up. | ||
| Either they fuck up on purpose or they got delusional with themselves and they shoot something that's smaller than it should be. | ||
| You're in big trouble, though, when you do. | ||
| Depending on the state. | ||
| Every state has different regulations. | ||
| But that's kind of the same thing with this 18-year-old girl. | ||
| Because some girls are 19 and they look like they're 15. Some girls are in their 20s and they look like they're 15. Is that wrong? | ||
| Well, it is weird when you see girls in porn with pigtails. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they pretend to be just coming home from school and some guy pulls their pants on and fucks them and comes in their mouth and it's like, what am I watching here? | ||
| And they act like children? | ||
| They act like kids. | ||
| They act like young girls. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you know that's a woman playing a role. | ||
| She's over 18. She's a fully committed adult person. | ||
| But there's some girls that are like 14 and they look like they're 18. Yeah. | ||
| Especially when you're across the street. | ||
| You're not close to them. | ||
| You don't like catch subtle cues that you're dealing with a child. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, there's like weird, like a lot of girls in particular are full grown by the time they're like 15. Mm-hmm. | ||
| You know, like that's as tall as they're ever going to get. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Whereas boys keep growing a little bit longer. | ||
| I grew in college. | ||
| Yeah, they say girls after they have their period stop growing. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| And stop being pleasant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye! | |
| You know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye! | |
| You know, if I'm at the beach and I see a girl and she's... | ||
| With a girl that I can tell is under 18, but she doesn't look under 18, I won't look at her just out of fear that she must be under 18. Because you don't want to put her in the spank bank? | ||
| She's got to stay out of the spank bank. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I put a yellow tag on her. | ||
| You're very ethical. | ||
| Well, it's hard because once you have kids that are teenagers, it's fucking scary. | ||
| It's like, you know, my fucking son is 16 years old. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But let's admit that that is a gray area. | ||
| Yeah, it is gray. | ||
| It's a gray area. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| That could be the older sister. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That could be one girl and her older sister. | ||
| Like, she might be 19 and her friend might be 17. Who the fuck knows? | ||
| She could be a 51-point buck. | ||
| Bull. | ||
| Bull moose. | ||
| 51-inch buck. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You gotta kill that thing. | ||
| What's the youngest girl you ever had sex with when you were a teenager? | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I was... | |
| I think I was 16. My girlfriend was 15. And she was the first girl I ever had sex with. | ||
| So that was the youngest girl. | ||
| She was 15 years old. | ||
| She was 15 and I was 16. Yeah. | ||
| I came instantly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| As soon as it touched it. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| The first time I ever came was from a blowjob. | ||
| I never beat off. | ||
| I never beat off. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No! | ||
| Yeah, for real. | ||
| That must have been the greatest blowjob of all time. | ||
| To this day, I've been chasing that dragon. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| My ears rang. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| I'll never forget. | ||
| It was on the porch. | ||
| The front porch of my girlfriend's house. | ||
| Her mom was upstairs. | ||
| So she blew me on the porch. | ||
| No shit! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Had she blown a guy before? | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| Seems like it. | ||
| If she's on the front porch, her mouth's been around a couple cocks. | ||
| She actually had sex with one of my friends before she had sex with me. | ||
| And my friend was like a real weird, he was like a city guy, where I was like, we were living in the suburbs. | ||
| My friend was my friend actually before I knew her from back when I lived in Jamaica Plain. | ||
| And he was always a really weird guy. | ||
| He was like one of those guys that would wear those black Reeboks with the Velcro, like the aerobic shoes. | ||
| High tops. | ||
| And then he had Cavaricis. | ||
| He dressed well. | ||
| Back then, I was dressing well. | ||
| And I always felt super insecure. | ||
| I'm like, wow, she dated that guy. | ||
| That guy was street smart. | ||
| He was hip. | ||
| He smoked cigarettes. | ||
| He knew how to dance. | ||
| He could dance. | ||
| Music could play. | ||
| He sold speakers. | ||
| Car speakers. | ||
| He was just a weird guy. | ||
| He was a really weird guy. | ||
| Was he a Guido? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I don't think he was Italian. | ||
| I don't remember what he was. | ||
| Some non-distinct European lineage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But she banged him, and then that didn't work out. | ||
| She actually made out with him once at my house the first time. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| But when you were kids, we'd play spin the bottle and make out with each other. | ||
| We didn't know what the fuck we were doing. | ||
| We couldn't even believe that we could make out with each other. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| So wait, so you get the blowjob. | ||
| You've never had a handjob. | ||
| You've never jerked off. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Why did you never jerk off? | ||
| I didn't know that it would be that worth doing. | ||
| I didn't jerk off until after I was having sex, believe it or not. | ||
| And you were what, 15 at this point? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, maybe 15 or 16 maybe. | ||
| Maybe 16. Because I had sex. | ||
| I'm pretty sure I had sex... | ||
| I think it was right when I was 16 and she was 15. That's when we actually had sex. | ||
| She might have blown me before I was 16. But anyway, my ears rang like BEEP! I couldn't believe it. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| Like, I came so hard. | ||
| It was this reward system that, like, the universe and biology had set up. | ||
| This crazy reward system to try to get you to breed. | ||
| It's really interesting because when you're at your least responsible, your least developed, your brain is mush. | ||
| My brain was useless. | ||
| When I was 15 years old, I had a monkey's brain. | ||
| And it was this just ridiculous... | ||
| Silly brain. | ||
| No way did I have any, like, sense of responsibility or how to take care of a kid. | ||
| Like, impossible. | ||
| I didn't even have my own shit even remotely together. | ||
| And my body wanted me to have a baby. | ||
| Like, it wanted to trick me. | ||
| I was horny all the time. | ||
| Like, ruthlessly horny. | ||
| You know, and... | ||
| After that girl gave me a blowjob, then we wound up being boyfriend and girlfriend, having sex all the time. | ||
| We just fucked constantly. | ||
| Condoms? | ||
| No. | ||
| Maybe twice. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, definitely not smart. | ||
| Because back then, you're not dribbling out a load. | ||
| You are fucking projecting that thing. | ||
| Shooting rockets. | ||
| Deep, deep into the cervix and the urethra. | ||
| Well, I was trying to pull out, so I guess somehow or another I pulled it off. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You got lucky. | ||
| Or she had a couple abortions she can tell you about. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| I knew a lot of girls that had abortions. | ||
| Not even with me, which is like girls in town. | ||
| One girl had three of them. | ||
| And we were like, Jesus, honey, get on the fucking pill. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get on the pill. | ||
| All right. | ||
| But my girlfriend in high school got on the pill. | ||
| And then it was just like, just rockets right in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pow, pow. | |
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Because when you're a young kid, the pill is a strange thing, right? | ||
| You're circumventing biology. | ||
| Yeah, it's not good for teenagers. | ||
| Mother Nature, I know what your fucking plan was. | ||
| I know what you're trying to do. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| No one's ready for this when you're 16. So we're going to give someone the pill. | ||
| But for girls, it's a terrible deal. | ||
| They've got to take these fucking wacky hormones. | ||
| They've got to take estrogen when you're 16. What does that do to them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what they say it does, one of the big things? | ||
| It fucks up a woman's ability to differentiate whether or not she's compatible with a guy. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, they've done these things where they take women and they'll have them smell a guy's clothes, clothes that a guy wore, and they can decide and they can just pick from the smell whether or not they would be compatible with that guy. | ||
| And it turns out they're really good at picking whether or not they're genetically compatible with that guy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But that gets totally monkey-wrenched into the gears as soon as they get on the pill. | ||
| When they get on the pill, their sense of smell doesn't work anymore. | ||
| That sort of weird primate instinct, the animal instinct of being able to smell whether or not the guy's compatible with you doesn't work anymore. | ||
| Dude, I nose-raped this girl at the gym yesterday. | ||
| I was on the treadmill and she was next to me and she had long black hair and she tussled it up and put it into a bun and whatever conditioner she had was floating over. | ||
| Then she started running. | ||
| She was this Persian girl and the armpits were fucking emitting. | ||
| I was running with my head at a 45 degree angle, inhaling through my nose, exhaling through my mouth, just nose raping her. | ||
| Did you have a plan if she said, why are you leaning towards me? | ||
| You tell her about the roller coaster. | ||
| You can tell her about, listen, I gotta tell you, I'll tell you a story. | ||
| It's a crazy long story. | ||
| Do you have time? | ||
| I'll buy you a cup of coffee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll buy you a cup of coffee. | |
| Just stand a little closer. | ||
| It's a place called Bush Gardens in Tampa. | ||
| And I fucked my neck up on a rollercoaster. | ||
| It's the craziest rollercoaster. | ||
| She forgets her sweatshirt. | ||
| I'm down in the men's room. | ||
| Just fucking... | ||
| I mean, she had... | ||
| She was hot. | ||
| Like, she was running... | ||
| I usually run with the... | ||
| I run at 6.2 miles an hour, which is pretty slow, but it keeps my heart rate at 135, which I need to do for, like, 40 minutes straight. | ||
| She was running at fucking 8.5 miles an hour, which is pretty goddamn fast, because she was small. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And nice, nice tan little Persian legs, but the smell of fucking unibrow, she was a little gland... | ||
| She was a gland. | ||
| Yeah, it was coming out. | ||
| It was coming out from the undercarriage everywhere. | ||
| And I'm just running and I'm trying to... | ||
| It was like a powdery, flowery thing mixed with pit stink. | ||
| Those are the type of girls, like really sexy Persian girls, or I guess you would say Iranian, if you weren't being politically correct. | ||
| Isn't that hilarious? | ||
| They call themselves Persian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's been a Persia since like 1930. Right. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Let's all just call ourselves Africans. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Steve Sweeney used to go like, oh, you're Persian? | ||
| Oh, allow me to introduce my friend. | ||
| He's from the Ottoman Empire, and I'm a Hittite. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ottoman. | |
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, but I was sitting on a bench one day. | ||
| This couple walked past me. | ||
| Girl was pretty hot. | ||
| Little nose rape. | ||
| Take it in. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| And I got a small, I got a very strong, what do you call your nose? | ||
| Sense of smell? | ||
| Olfactory gland? | ||
| Olfactory. | ||
| I got a very strong olfactory sense. | ||
| And so I was like really enjoying it. | ||
| And then about 10 minutes later, the guy walks past me. | ||
| And he smells good, too? | ||
| That was the smell. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Was he wearing, like, patchouli or something? | ||
| It was spicy. | ||
| That's one of those things that a dude could pull off, that a girl could pull off, too. | ||
| Like, both hippie species, male and female, both genders, can wear patchouli. | ||
| Marin. | ||
| Mark Marin wears patchouli. | ||
| I don't believe you. | ||
| Yes, he does. | ||
| I might have to find that out. | ||
| Grateful Dead music and patchouli oil. | ||
| He really wears patchouli? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| How dare he? | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You sure? | |
| You just fucking with me? | ||
| I'll email him right now. | ||
| I'm almost 100% sure. | ||
| Not all the time, but he has in the past worn patchouli oil. | ||
| Do you think some girl fucked him at one point in his life because he was wearing patchouli and he's like, look, just roll the dice. | ||
| If it really cancels out, I don't want that kind of pressure. | ||
| Like, if a girl doesn't fuck me because I'm wearing patchouli, I don't want that kind of pressure. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That's a lot of pressure. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's my argument for the fanny pack. | ||
| The guy's like, oh, it's easy for you, you're married. | ||
| I'm like, listen to me. | ||
| If I wasn't married, I'd be more inclined to wear it. | ||
| Because if a girl won't fuck you because you wear a fanny pack, you don't want her to fuck you. | ||
| It's too much work. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I love seeing single guys who have that attitude. | ||
| That is the attitude. | ||
| You gotta have that attitude. | ||
| Otherwise, you get distracted. | ||
| And that's what I learned from beating off. | ||
| It's one of the things I learned from beating off. | ||
| When I first started beating off, which I told you after I had sex, I realized, oh, this is what's going on. | ||
| I'm a little addict. | ||
| I came and I was like, I don't really need to go out with her. | ||
| This is not necessary. | ||
| Before, I was like, I gotta see her. | ||
| When am I gonna see her? | ||
| When am I gonna see her? | ||
| But I would beat off and it would give me a few hours of relief. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where I could think clearly. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like I used to have a bit way back in the day about jerk off first, then think about it. | ||
| That should be like an ethic that men approach their entire life with. | ||
| Because some fucking terrible mistakes you make when you're under the influence of your own dick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because your own dick will talk you into all sorts of stupid situations. | ||
| But if you jerk off first... | ||
| You know, you're not gonna go into a barn at 4 o'clock in the morning with some crazy girls doing coke. | ||
| Like, I gotta go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you jerked off, and she's like, come on, you're fucking scared. | ||
| Like, yeah, I'm scared. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I am scared. | ||
| Gotta go. | ||
| See ya. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But if you're horny, you're like, alright, let's do this. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You want me to suck your dick? | ||
| Yeah, you want me to suck your dick? | ||
| You gotta do some coke with me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Until you're just doing coke. | ||
| You can't even get it up, you faggot. | ||
| How come you can't get it up, faggot? | ||
| You're doing fucking coke. | ||
| I'm supposed to suck your dick. | ||
| You're not even getting it up. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| And it's 4.30 in the morning. | ||
| You should never be up at 4.30 still trying to get laid. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| You start doing the coke, and all of a sudden you went to a bar, that closed, you went to another bar, you're fucking throwing down cash. | ||
| You haven't even gotten laid yet, and you're still... | ||
| Then she wants to go to Denny's, and then you gotta go hang out at her house, and she wants to do more coke, and then all of a sudden... | ||
| At 4.30 in the morning, it's not... | ||
| You don't even give a fuck anymore. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| It's gotta happen in the first two hours. | ||
| And you know what was a horrible one for me? | ||
| In the summer, when this would happen, and I had jobs. | ||
| So it'd be like 4.30 in the morning, and I'd be still trying to get laid, and then I had to be up at 7 to go to my construction job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| So you'd be carrying wood all day, exhausted. | ||
| You didn't shower so you got that oily fucking stank in your undercarriage. | ||
| Your ball sack is sticking to your thigh. | ||
| I'd come home and fall asleep before I even got my clothes off. | ||
| I just hit the fucking bed. | ||
| Sideways. | ||
| Out cold. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wake up in the morning and do it all over again. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| I used to park cars at a country club. | ||
| And we would go out. | ||
| We would get paid in cash. | ||
| Tips. | ||
| We'd make a good $150 in cash. | ||
| I was 16, 17 years old. | ||
| We'd go out to the bars, do shots all night. | ||
| Get laid. | ||
| We'd go skinny dipping. | ||
| There was a pool that we'd break into, and it was a bunch of teenagers that would all skinny dip. | ||
| On any given night in the summer, if it was hot out, you'd go to that pool, there was naked teenagers swimming, and you could get laid pretty easily. | ||
| And then we would go, and then we'd have to be there at 6 o'clock in the morning to park cars, because the golfers came in. | ||
| And we'd get there and we had this little wooden shack. | ||
| And we'd run up and down the stairs, park in these cars because it was down a hill. | ||
| So you'd have to drive it down the hill, run up, drive it down the hill for hours. | ||
| And then finally they'd all be out on the golf course, kick back in that shack, and just fucking lay on the wooden floor and sleep for a couple hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Working while you're tired when you're a kid is so important. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so important to realize how to power through things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Because you don't power through shit when you're a little kid. | ||
| They make you take naps. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's quite the opposite of powering through. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, are you tired? | ||
| Look, Greg, just take a nap. | ||
| You need to take a nap. | ||
| I don't want to take a nap. | ||
| Go take a nap. | ||
| You have to take a nap at school. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| You just have nap time at school? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then you take a nap when you got home. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, no more naps. | ||
| All of a sudden, you have to work. | ||
| And it happens over the course of a couple of years. | ||
| Now you've got to get up at six. | ||
| Those summer jobs, those were the big eye-opener for me. | ||
| That's when I knew. | ||
| That's when I fucking really knew I could never work construction. | ||
| That's when I really knew. | ||
| Like, summer jobs when I was in high school and right out of high school. | ||
| It's like, fuck this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, it's true. | ||
| You should make your kid bust his ass in high school so he can realize he needs an education or he needs to pick something to do young. | ||
| You gotta pick something to do different. | ||
| Because I had other jobs that weren't as hard. | ||
| Like, I worked at Newport Creamery. | ||
| I was a dishwasher, and then I was a cook. | ||
| It wasn't that hard. | ||
| I mean, it sucked. | ||
| It wasn't fun. | ||
| But you cook burgers, make ice cream, like sundaes and shit, milkshakes. | ||
| And before that, it was the guy who washed the dishes. | ||
| I moved up. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Moved on up, bro. | ||
| I didn't want to take the waitress job, though. | ||
| Too much responsibility to be a waiter or a waitress. | ||
| Waitress. | ||
| Lipstick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Put on perfume. | ||
| I didn't look good in those tights. | ||
| But that was like my only job that I'd had until I started doing construction jobs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My dad's an architect. | ||
| My stepdad got me gigs. | ||
| He's an architect. | ||
| And he got me gigs in the summer, like real jobs. | ||
| And I was like, holy shit. | ||
| When you're a laborer, you're a 16-year-old laborer on a construction site, fuck your life. | ||
| Fuck my life. | ||
| Every day, fuck your life. | ||
| And plus, I didn't know how to hydrate back then. | ||
| I never drank any water. | ||
| I drank like a Coke in the morning. | ||
| And then all day, no drinking water. | ||
| No awareness whatsoever. | ||
| Probably didn't wear any sunblock. | ||
| No. | ||
| It was bronze like copper. | ||
| And I would just fucking carry shit all day and be so tired. | ||
| But I remember thinking, okay, there's got to be a fucking plan. | ||
| We've got to make a plan to avoid this. | ||
| You can't be doing this. | ||
| Because I knew guys that would do this. | ||
| My friend Leroy got me a job once. | ||
| This was a really important turning point. | ||
| Him and his friend Hank, they would renovate buildings in Dorchester. | ||
| It's a real shit neighborhood. | ||
| Real bad. | ||
| And these buildings were basically completely wrecked. | ||
| And they would redo them. | ||
| And this one guy... | ||
| He was like semi-homeless. | ||
| He lived in this place while they were redoing it. | ||
| And he had a Mountain Dew jug, like a two-liter thing of Mountain Dew that he filled with malt liquor. | ||
| And he would just drink this Mountain Dew jug of malt liquor all day. | ||
| He'd be just blasted all day on the construction site. | ||
| And we're walking around. | ||
| There's like exposed beams. | ||
| There's, to the left and the right, there's fiberglass, you know, that's over lattice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So you could step through and you just drop right through to the floor below. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And this fucking guy walked like a ballerina, drunk as fuck. | ||
| His name is Jeff. | ||
| I'll never forget Jeff. | ||
| Walked around this construction site, just barely not stepping on nails, just barely, and drunk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hammered. | ||
| And everybody knew it. | ||
| Shakes. | ||
| His hands would shake. | ||
| He would hold the mountain leader, the two-leader Mountain Dew thing, and he'd be fucking shaking while he was trying to drink. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Full-on alky. | ||
| And you were like, that's my future. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I didn't think it was my future, but I knew it could be a future if you did what that guy's doing. | ||
| Like, whoa. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah, you realize that, you know, I had a job. | ||
| I was actually in college, but one summer I went out to the Hamptons. | ||
| Me and my brother and this other guy from Northern Ireland, Sean, he was fucking drunk. | ||
| And we shared a studio apartment, flea-ridden. | ||
| First two guys in got the fold-out couch, third guy was on the floor. | ||
| So you try to fucking get home before the other guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
With fleas. | |
| With fleas. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Covered in fleas all summer. | ||
| Did you guys have a dog? | ||
| Did someone have a dog? | ||
| No, somebody must have had a dog before. | ||
| The place was infested. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| And I would go down. | ||
| My job was, I would ride my bike, and I remember it was six miles. | ||
| I would ride my bike to the beach, and I had to get there at like seven o'clock in the morning. | ||
| And it was an outdoor beach club. | ||
| It was a bar, basically. | ||
| Brooklyn would unload and show up at this place. | ||
| It was called Summer's. | ||
| On Dune Road in the Hamptons. | ||
| And they had two outdoor bars that each had six bartenders in it. | ||
| You know, power pouring, like fucking Tom Cruise and cocktail. | ||
| Chicks in bikinis, bartending. | ||
| And then inside, two more bars with six more bartenders. | ||
| Speakers the size of a fucking Volkswagen. | ||
| So I'd get there at 7 a.m. | ||
| My job was get the fucking dolly and get ten speakers outside that were all the size of Volkswagens. | ||
| Plug them in. | ||
| First thing was, do that, and then I put on 2001 Space Odyssey at 9 to clear off all the drunks that were sleeping on the sand from the night before, because you had to pay to get in, so they wanted to clear the fucking beach. | ||
| All these people get up, scream with their hands on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dun, dun, dun! | |
| If you're like, shut the fuck up! | ||
| And then I would carry up, me and the other guy would carry up racks, you know, booze racks with like fucking 15 bottles in them. | ||
| Carry them up, stock each bar for six bartenders. | ||
| Start bringing up fucking garbage cans full of ice. | ||
| Filling up the troughs with ice. | ||
| Bringing up cases of beer. | ||
| Stuffing the beers into the ice. | ||
| I mean, and then all of a sudden people started trickling in around 9, 30, 10. Crank the fucking bad disco music. | ||
| Power pouring in the bikinis. | ||
| Guidos showing up. | ||
| Chicks that would... | ||
| I would have to clean out the bathroom, the women's bathroom, at least three times a day. | ||
| It'd be clogged up with tampons. | ||
| These nasty fucking Guido chicks from Brooklyn would stick their bloody tampons in. | ||
| And then the men would throw fucking broken bottles into the urinals. | ||
| I'd have to clean those out all day long, up and down. | ||
| And the ice was down a flight of stairs. | ||
| With this broken down, shitty ice machine. | ||
| And all day long, I weighed 125 pounds. | ||
| Up and down the stairs with buckets of ice on my shoulder. | ||
| Cases of Coors Light. | ||
| And just fried. | ||
| And it was all outside, so I was getting fried from the sun. | ||
| And I'm thinking, this is great, I'm gonna get laid. | ||
| I didn't get a fucking conversation with one of those chicks all summer long. | ||
| All I did was drink Miller Lights. | ||
| And then a few times a day, I'd run down to the beach, dive in the ocean, and fucking cool off, come back. | ||
| But I made bank. | ||
| These bartenders, they knew I was taking care of them, and they were making $1,000 a day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, they were making crazy money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And they would all tip me out. | ||
| Fucking, you know, 15 bartenders, all tipping me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It was three of us, me and two other guys. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And then I'd get on my bike at around 6 o'clock. | ||
| And I'd pedal back to our little flea-infested studio apartment, and then take a shower, and then we'd go to this place, Tequila Murphy's, up the street. | ||
| And we'd dance. | ||
| We'd fucking dance. | ||
| To, like, you know, uh... | ||
| Rob Bass and DJ Easy Rock? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| That's right! | ||
| The art of noise. | ||
| And I would breakdance. | ||
| And we'd stay there until fucking 2 in the morning. | ||
| And I'd come home. | ||
| Get some more flea bites. | ||
| Get up and do it all over again. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| I had fleas on my carpet when I was in high school. | ||
| Because that same dog got hit by a car. | ||
| And we didn't have fleas anymore after she died. | ||
| I put carpet shit down and vacuumed it. | ||
| But one time, I brought this chick home when I was still living with my parents. | ||
| And she's one of the first chicks that I ever brought on. | ||
| Like... | ||
| I think I was 18 at the time, I was still living at home, and she was 18 too, and she knew how to fuck. | ||
| Like, not just that. | ||
| She was the first girl I ever had sex with that put her foot on the wall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was like pushing off with her foot on the wall. | ||
| Like, I lived on the second floor. | ||
| And you know, some bedrooms have like an angled wall. | ||
| So like where my bed was, it was like propped up against the side of the wall. | ||
| So it was like a flat wall up to like, you know, three feet high. | ||
| And then above that, there was like this angle. | ||
| And this chick put her foot on the top of that. | ||
| And she was like, fucking up. | ||
| She pushed back. | ||
| Yeah, I remember thinking, Jesus. | ||
| Like, respect. | ||
| She wasn't just taking it. | ||
| She was giving it back from the bottom. | ||
| I was like, oof. | ||
| I never dated a girl who did that before. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because, you know, when you're 16, you're dating 16-year-olds, 17-year-olds, by the time you're 18, these girls have been fucking for a while. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They know what they're doing, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember... | ||
| Yeah, being around that age, I remember this girl, Linda, I won't say her last name, she reached down, I'm fucking her, and she reaches down and starts rubbing her clit, and I was like, whoa! | ||
| I was like, wow, this is about your orgasm, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a girl who's ready to party. | ||
| Because when you... | ||
| There's a certain age where it goes from becoming about your orgasm to being about hers. | ||
| And that's a big primordial change. | ||
| There's also this thing where a girl's doing that in front of you. | ||
| There's something really hot about it. | ||
| She wants you to fuck her while she's masturbating and looking at you and letting you know that she's masturbating. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| It's full surrender, yeah. | ||
| But this girl that pushed off against the wall, she got flea bites all over her leg. | ||
| My carpet had fucking fleas on it. | ||
| And she was like, what the fuck? | ||
| I was like, ah, I gotta do something about it. | ||
| She's so mad at me. | ||
| I used to have, like, little bites all over my fucking ankles all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just the thing you had, if you had a dog back then. | ||
| You know, like, we'd take some powder, I'd spray, sprinkle some fucking powder, and then vacuum. | ||
| It's supposed to kill the fleas. | ||
| Never did. | ||
| No. | ||
| Killed most of them. | ||
|
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Yeah. | |
| There's a few gangster fleas that would survive. | ||
| And your dog would always get them. | ||
| They'd go outside, they'd just get fleas. | ||
| Dude, do you have those bugs right now because it was so rainy this winter? | ||
| We got these. | ||
| They look like giant mosquitoes, but they're like five times as big as mosquitoes. | ||
| You got those? | ||
| They call them mosquito eaters. | ||
| Yeah, they're all over the place. | ||
| Mosquito eaters, right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't seem to sting you, though. | ||
| They don't seem to sting, but you open your front door, man. | ||
| They come right in. | ||
| Yeah, they're big. | ||
| Every night, I got to kill a couple of them in the house. | ||
| Do they really eat mosquitoes? | ||
| I don't know how you would get... | ||
| They're so slow. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I don't know how they would get to a mosquito. | ||
| Maybe the mosquito would be stupid. | ||
| It'd be like, Dad, like, yeah, come on, come here, come here, come here, I'll give you a hug. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I heard them called that, but I was thinking the same thing. | ||
| Like, how the fuck are they... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Adult crane flies are actually physically incapable of killing mosquitoes. | ||
| The main sustenance of crane flies is flower nectar. | ||
| The nickname mosquito eaters probably comes from the fact that some larval crane fleas feed on mosquito larvae. | ||
| But it also is only occasionally. | ||
| And those things, I mean, it's the size of your hand. | ||
| They're big. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a weird bug. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of... | ||
| And mosquitoes, too. | ||
| There's a ton of mosquitoes right now. | ||
| We got a wet winter. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| You know what's funny though? | ||
| People are so glass half empty. | ||
| I've been hearing so many people go, well, there's going to be a real problem this summer when fire season starts. | ||
| Bitch, can't you just enjoy the green hills? | ||
| The hills are green. | ||
| Everything looks beautiful. | ||
| I hope this place becomes Seattle and people move. | ||
| I hope it rains constantly. | ||
| And they move LA to the desert. | ||
| Move it to where Area 51 is. | ||
| This is where we're going to film from now on, guys? | ||
| Just start filming out there because it never rains. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just read this book about the making of the Panama Canal. | ||
| And they talk about, you know, when the French first tried to do it, they went in in the late 19th century. | ||
| And they, you know, you got to think technology in the late 19th century. | ||
| They didn't have fucking electricity. | ||
| They didn't have shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They had giant machines and they were trying to bulldoze... | ||
| a canal through the most dense tropical jungle that you could get through. | ||
| And they lost something like 20% of the people that went down there died of malaria and yellow fever, which are both mosquito-borne diseases. | ||
| So they go down there, and they fight it out for like 10 years. | ||
| They keep sending people down. | ||
| They keep dying, keep sending people down, keep dying. | ||
| And even if you don't die, you're working 14-hour days in jungle heat with a little spade. | ||
|
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Holy shit. | |
| And then all of a sudden, they'd get a monster rain, and everything you'd excavated, there'd be a mudslide. | ||
| It would fill it right up again. | ||
| They'd start all over. | ||
| There were snakes. | ||
| There was fucking mountain lions. | ||
| And they just finally gave up. | ||
| Finally, France just went, fuck this. | ||
| They had bled hundreds of millions of dollars. | ||
| And so then the U.S. stepped in. | ||
| They go, we can do it. | ||
| So we came in, and some guy realized that mosquitoes were the problem. | ||
| Nobody knew that malaria and yellow fever were mosquito-borne. | ||
| For whatever reason, they just thought it was fucking popping out of the dirt. | ||
| They thought it was fumes coming out of the dirt. | ||
| And this guy's like, no, it's fucking mosquitoes. | ||
| So he came in with a team of like 10 people, and they just started educating people about how to get rid of mosquitoes, which is basically get rid of standing water. | ||
| And so instead of having mud roads, they poured concrete. | ||
| And instead of having open barrels that people would collect rainwater in, they would put sheets over them. | ||
| And... | ||
| Fucking gone. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| That's all they had to do to stop the mosquitoes? | ||
| All they had to do was no deaths from malaria and yellow fever after the first couple years they started construction. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they just figured out a way to stop the mosquitoes from breeding without poison? | ||
| Without poison. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| I would have thought they would just age in orange the fuck out of that place. | ||
|
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|
Nope. | |
| Just standing water. | ||
|
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|
Wow. | |
| Do you know malaria has killed half the people that have ever died ever? | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
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|
Wow. | |
| Half the people that have ever died, ever, in the history of the human race have died from malaria. | ||
| And still unabated, no fucking cure. | ||
| My friend Justin's got it three times. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Where does he live? | ||
| Well, he goes to the Congo. | ||
| He makes wells for the pygmies. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Justin Wren. | ||
| But if you catch it and you take the pill right away, you're fine. | ||
| If you get the proper medication, you will be okay. | ||
| But there's a bunch of different strains of malaria, and some of them last a long time. | ||
| And he's had one strain where he got it, he recovered from it, and then he got sick. | ||
| And because he got sick, the malaria came back. | ||
| So he got an unrelated illness without being around the mosquitoes and his malaria came back and he had to figure it out that the malaria had made a relapse. | ||
| So he's had it three times. | ||
| Two times from being bitten, one time from a relapse. | ||
| So is malaria something that just stays with you for life? | ||
| I think with some cases. | ||
| And not necessarily for life, but it can recur over the course of a certain amount of years and then your body eventually gets over it. | ||
| But he was saying that one case of malaria, you can have it for as much as 30 years. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And dying of it is about as painful as it gets. | ||
| Your brain starts to fucking fry. | ||
| You just go crazy. | ||
| Your entire body feels like it's made of acid. | ||
| It's brutal. | ||
| Oh, fuck, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| You know, and you think about, you know, Third World. | ||
| You know, we're trying to... | ||
| We're trying to do good in the world. | ||
| Malaria is just number one, two, and three that we should be focusing on. | ||
| Yeah, there was some work that they were doing. | ||
| God, I want to say somewhere around California. | ||
| Someone was doing it where they were trying to figure out a way to engineer a mosquito that does not get malaria. | ||
| And they were going to release that mosquito into the population. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I heard about this. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Well, I think it happened with the Zika virus. | ||
| Here it goes. | ||
| How's that? | ||
| Did malaria really kill half the people that ever lived? | ||
| Get the facts. | ||
| Did it? | ||
| It's a myth. | ||
| Oh, it is a myth. | ||
| It's definitely probably one of the biggest throughout human history, but to actually know the actual fact, if it has killed that many people, it's probably not, because it would have had to have killed an average of 5.5 million per year, and for the last 30 or 40 years, it's only about 2 to 3 million, so that number... | ||
| But that's the last 30 or 40 years. | ||
| So it's at least 20%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hmm, but they don't know. | ||
| So where does it come from? | ||
| Does any site support that? | ||
| This site tries to debunk it. | ||
| We have to be sure that they're not right. | ||
| Because I feel like I read it from a science paper, which might not necessarily... | ||
| Look, we had Rob Wolf the other day, and he thought that a vomitorium was really some... | ||
| People make mistakes. | ||
| But it's, uh... | ||
| But it's killed fuckloads of people. | ||
| It's just, there's a lot of those goddamn diseases that scare the shit out of you. | ||
| Like, remember when the Ebola craze happened? | ||
| And everybody was panicking that Ebola had made its way to the United States? | ||
| Remember that one lady? | ||
| She was a nurse. | ||
| She was in quarantine. | ||
| And they tried to keep her in quarantine. | ||
| She's like, fuck you, I'm going shopping. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's like, bitch, you're quarantined. | ||
| She's like, I don't have it. | ||
| Well, the Zika thing is not under wraps. | ||
| They've got it here. | ||
| It's down in Florida. | ||
| And I think that they... | ||
| I know they were trying to genetically modify mosquitoes for Zika. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A friend of mine, his wife got pregnant. | ||
| He wouldn't let her go anywhere. | ||
| It's like they were supposed to go to... | ||
| Hawaii or maybe Mexico or something like that. | ||
| They were like, fuck that. | ||
| We're not taking any chances. | ||
| We're going to stay right here while this kid's born. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Because it's incurable. | ||
| And your kid develops a tiny head. | ||
| It's a really creepy fucking disease. | ||
| And they don't even know what else happens because the kids that are born from it are only a few years old at this point. | ||
| What a fucking crazy disease, man. | ||
| So cruel. | ||
| So horrible. | ||
| There's a guy named Pito Hortes that I interviewed once, and he was talking to me about, it was from my sci-fi show that I did years back, and he was talking to me about jungle diseases, like people that have, you know, any sort of infestations, parasites, and things like that in the jungle, and he said it is 100% of the people that live there. | ||
| They have them. | ||
| 100% of the people that live there have something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I went 100%. | ||
| Does that mean they're living with it or they're suffering from it? | ||
| They're living with it. | ||
| I mean, they might be suffering from it, but one of them was this cat parasite, Toxoplasma. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Have you ever heard of that? | ||
| Oh yeah, pregnant women are... | ||
| Yeah, super dangerous for women to handle cat shit because of it. | ||
| You shouldn't touch a litter box. | ||
| Or eat any vegetables in France because they don't... | ||
| My wife went to France when she was pregnant and they said that she couldn't eat cheese because they don't pasteurize it out correctly in France. | ||
| Well, it makes sense. | ||
| They like that raw, stinky fucking cheese down there. | ||
| They love that stuff. | ||
| They love it. | ||
| But it's a weird one because it makes the rat, when a rat eats it, or a rat gets it in its body, a rat becomes sexually attracted to the smell of cat urine to the point where their dick gets hard and their balls swell up and they go to find the cat and the cat kills them. | ||
| And then the cat relays it to people. | ||
| And one of the things it does with people is it makes them reckless. | ||
| So there's a guy named Dr. Robert Sapolsky out of Stanford who's done extensive research on toxoplasma. | ||
| He's a fucking fascinating guy. | ||
| He's got some awesome speeches where he talks about it online. | ||
| But one of the things they found when he was working in the ER is a direct correlation between toxoplasma and motorcycle accidents. | ||
| Like a lot of these people. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| People that would come in and they would have motorcycle accidents. | ||
| They would test them and they would find out they tested positive for toxo. | ||
| 50 million people in America tested positive for toxoplasma. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And it affects the way you think. | ||
| It affects your judgment. | ||
| It makes you more impulsive. | ||
| It makes you more aggressive. | ||
| And it might even affect women. | ||
| It might make women more promiscuous or at least make them more sexually submissive. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| I mean, this is just complete, total speculation. | ||
| But they think it might be one of the reasons why some South American countries are very macho. | ||
| And the women are, like, very sexy. | ||
| So why do women with cats always live alone? | ||
| I don't think it's the same. | ||
| Those cats never leave the house. | ||
| So if you don't have a cat, you can't catch this. | ||
| No, you can catch it. | ||
| You can catch it from the meat of a cow that eats the cat shit in its grass. | ||
| So you're saying that currently there's probably 50 million people in the country that have this? | ||
| Currently in America, there's 50 million people plus that are infected with this cat parasite called Toxoplasma. | ||
| Should you get tested for it? | ||
| No, I probably have it for sure. | ||
| I'm scared. | ||
| I don't want to get tested. | ||
| Because you have cats, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm definitely... | ||
| Joey Diaz has 150,000 fucking cats. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's for sure got it. | ||
| All those crazy cat ladies, I guarantee they have it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a really common thing. | ||
| I think in France, at one point, there was something like 30% of the population had toxo. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's real. | ||
| Well, we're made of feral cats. | ||
| Is that a bacteria, then? | ||
| It's a parasite. | ||
| It's some sort of a parasite that actually gets its way into your brain. | ||
| Because that's the crazy thing, is what... | ||
| I forget what percentage of your body weight is bacteria, but it's... | ||
| Nuts. | ||
| ...staggering. | ||
| Nuts, off the chart. | ||
| It's like 15% of your body weight is bacteria. | ||
| Yeah, we're all ecosystems. | ||
|
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|
Can you look that up? | |
| See how full of shit I am? | ||
| First of all, find out how many people in America have toxoplasma before we find out. | ||
| Approximately 30 million. | ||
| 30 million. | ||
|
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|
Wow. | |
| It says it's the number... | ||
| Write 50 million. | ||
| How do I remember that wrong? | ||
| Write 50 million people in America have toxoplasma. | ||
| 20 of them died. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I don't think it kills you. | ||
| On motorcycles. | ||
| Unless you wreck motorcycles. | ||
| But Sapolsky was studying its effects on people and trying to figure out, like, they don't really know what it does to people. | ||
| There's just this correlation between motorcycle accidents. | ||
| That's another thing that says that up to 60 million people could have it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Up to 60 million people. | ||
| Just in America. | ||
| Just in America. | ||
| In other countries, like in some South American countries, it's very high. | ||
| And, you know, it might have been just something that people have been living with forever. | ||
| There's some sort of a weird connection that we have to these organisms. | ||
| And in this one, it rewires the sexual reward system of rodents. | ||
| It changes their reward system. | ||
| It makes their dick hard for cat piss, so that they go near the cat so they get killed, so they can transmit it to people, because cats hang around with people. | ||
| I mean, assuming that that's the... | ||
| The chain of events. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking A, man. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| One to three percent of the body's mass in a 200-pound adult is two to six pounds of bacteria, but also play a vital role in human health. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Human body contains trillions of microorganisms, outnumbering human cells by ten to one. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| What? | ||
| So 3% of the body's mass, not 15. But they outnumber human cells just because of the size. | ||
| Because they're small size, however, the microorganisms make up only 1 to 3% of the body's mass. | ||
| It doesn't make up as much of the mass, but you are outnumbered. | ||
| Human cells are outnumbered 10 to 1. That's like if there's one rat for every person on a ship, and there's, you know, 10 people. | ||
| Think of that. | ||
| I mean, that's a fucking infested, rat-filled ship. | ||
| Well, some of the bacteria is good. | ||
| Some of it is. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm just saying, you're mostly rats. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like, what is that, a ship of people? | ||
| Well, there's some people on it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's mostly rats. | ||
| I mean, it's mostly rats. | ||
| It's a fucking rat ship. | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| That's what we are. | ||
| I mean, if you had a hundred people and a thousand rats on a ship, would you say that's a ship full of people? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or a ship full of rats? | ||
| It's a ship full of rats and a bunch of poor fuckers trying to get some sleep. | ||
| Yeah we're just bags of bacteria. | ||
| We're bags of bacteria. | ||
| And we don't understand a lot of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Because it's so fucking small and it's mysterious. | ||
| Well, how about probiotics? | ||
| How recent is that where people have figured out that you have to take in healthy bacteria in your body? | ||
| I take it every day. | ||
| Two decades? | ||
| Three decades? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Figure that out. | ||
| When do people start taking probiotics? | ||
| You take them every day, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I take it in a live form. | ||
| I like mostly in... | ||
| I like to eat either kimchi or sauerkraut. | ||
| I do that. | ||
| And in kombucha. | ||
| I drink kombucha every day. | ||
| Oh, you do? | ||
| That stuff. | ||
| Oh, I love it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| We always keep it here, too, if you want one. | ||
|
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|
Wow. | |
| We always have it here. | ||
| I drink the real stuff that you have to have an ID to show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| GT's kombucha is a shit because it's over one half of one percent alcohol. | ||
| I mean, you can't get drunk. | ||
| But one half to one percent alcohol, you have to be 21 to buy it. | ||
| Oh, it's that strong? | ||
|
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|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Over one half of 1%. | ||
| And it's made out of, like, dairy, right? | ||
| It's like raw dairy? | ||
|
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|
No. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| That's kefir. | ||
| That's a different thing. | ||
| You're thinking of... | ||
| And kefir's like a grain. | ||
| There's a grain involved, too, somehow. | ||
| I don't understand, really, how kefir's made. | ||
| Somebody's explained it to me, and I just blanked out. | ||
| But it's a fungus. | ||
| It's kind of like a fungus. | ||
| It's a growth. | ||
| It's some sort of a thing. | ||
| Kombucha. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How do they make it? | ||
| I used to make it. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
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|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| When I first came to LA, I actually, this girl that I was dating got me a piece. | ||
| She got me like a live organism. | ||
| She told me how to do it. | ||
| And you get like a bowl, like a glass bowl, like one of them big punch bowls. | ||
| And you fill the bowl up with sugar and water and I forget what the other ingredients are. | ||
| But you stir it all in. | ||
| Make it dissolve, and then you put the fungus in there, and then you put it in the refrigerator, or you leave it on the counter. | ||
| I don't remember which. | ||
| How much fungus do you put in? | ||
| I think you leave it on the counter. | ||
| You just put, like, a chunk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you have, like, a piece of this stuff. | ||
| And the longer you let it ferment, the stronger the kombucha's gonna be. | ||
| And then I would take it, and I would pour it into, like, this big, like, bucket, and then drink it. | ||
| And I was like, it's too much of a pain in the ass. | ||
| Because you couldn't buy it anywhere back then. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The only way you can get it in 1994, unless you knew some super hippie health food store that sold it, most of the time you got it from other people. | ||
| And I was like, does this even work? | ||
| What am I even doing? | ||
| Is this even good for you? | ||
| But I was like, oh, she might be right. | ||
|
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|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Kombucha. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| Or every day you have that or sauerkraut. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, kimchi. | ||
| Sauerkraut too. | ||
| I like sauerkraut. | ||
| Raw sauerkraut. | ||
| But kimchi is huge. | ||
| Super high in probiotics. | ||
| It's like fermented cabbage. | ||
| So it's all like organisms in it. | ||
| It's all this shit growing. | ||
| It keeps you healthy. | ||
| My stomach feels distended. | ||
| And somebody told me that the probiotics can help that. | ||
| There's probably a lot of bacteria in there. | ||
| Could be. | ||
| Do you take in a lot of sugar? | ||
|
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|
No, I don't. | |
| Do you eat pasta? | ||
| Pasta. | ||
| Yeah, that's sugar, unfortunately. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| And I try to take... | ||
| I have a fucking bagel every morning, and then I try to never have pasta, but... | ||
| Unfortunately, all that fucking yummy, delicious shit, like every now and then I'll let myself have like a giant pastrami sub. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, you know, Italian bread with mustard and Swiss cheese. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| But you feel like shit afterwards. | ||
| Because your body has to process all that sugar. | ||
| Right. | ||
| All that bread is terrible for you. | ||
| So you just eat vegetables and meat? | ||
| For the most part, yeah. | ||
| I mean, I fuck around. | ||
| I don't have a totally strict diet. | ||
| I have a mostly strict diet. | ||
| You eat rice? | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Most of the time, no. | ||
| But sometimes, like I'm having sushi, I'm like, fuck it, let's live. | ||
| But if I'm not feeling that, I'll either peel the sushi off of the rice and just eat it, like sashimi. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I'll eat like one out of every three. | ||
| I'll eat the rice. | ||
| If you're on a diet where your body's fat adapted, if it's burning off fat, as soon as you tip the scales and you have too many carbohydrates, it's like, fuck it, we're going back to carbohydrates. | ||
| And then you get tired easy, you get hungry easy. | ||
| It's like, it fucks with the system. | ||
| Once you start getting that fat adapted state, It's hard when you're out, though, to eat a decent lunch that doesn't have carbs in it. | ||
| Everything's a fucking sandwich. | ||
| Salads. | ||
| Yeah, you gotta eat salads. | ||
| Yeah, salads with chicken. | ||
| Salads with salmon. | ||
| Salmon's really good. | ||
| It's got oils in it, healthy oils. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ask them for olive oil. | ||
| Pour the olive oil on the salad. | ||
| Nothing wrong with balsamic vinaigrette either, but most salad dressings are bullshit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Most salad dressings are just nonsense and sugar. | ||
| If you have a delicious French dressing, why do you think it's delicious? | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| It's fucking dessert. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're eating dessert. | ||
| It's dessert ketchup that you pour all over your salad. | ||
| Or my kid eats fucking granola bars all day, and I'm like, dude, that's a candy bar. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| It's just sugar. | ||
| Doesn't seem like it. | ||
| It seems like you're eating oats. | ||
|
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|
Yeah. | |
| Being all healthy and shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're just as better off eating a Snickers bar. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Same shit. | ||
| Kinda. | ||
| What about fruit? | ||
| Somebody told me that not all fruit is good to eat because it's got too much sugar. | ||
| Well, fruit of today, we have to really realize, when everybody's using these terms GMO, and this is something I've looked into pretty heavily, and I had this guy Kevin Folta on my podcast, who's a food scientist, and he's kind of explaining why people have a lot of misguided misconceptions about GMO foods. | ||
| He's like, essentially, everything's GMO. Everything has been in some way or another modified that you're eating. | ||
| Whether it's tomatoes that have been modified to stay on the shelf longer. | ||
| Whether it's oranges that are modified to be far more juicy and delicious than they've ever been in the past. | ||
| Apples. | ||
| We're talking about apples. | ||
| Somebody else was just talking about this recently. | ||
| Who was that? | ||
| I don't remember if I looked it up. | ||
| There are thousands of different apples. | ||
| I didn't pull it up in that podcast, but there's only like five now. | ||
| Or maybe 12. It used to be thousands of different eyes. | ||
| Was it Rob? | ||
| Wasn't it Rob Wolf? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think so, yeah. | |
| I think it was Rob Wolf. | ||
| Rob Wolf is a biologist. | ||
| What the fuck is this? | ||
| Bio... | ||
| Bio-fucking something. | ||
| Some scientist character. | ||
| Really smart guy. | ||
| But he was explaining that they all used to be like crab apples. | ||
| They all used to be like kind of sour and you could eat them. | ||
| You remember crab apples when you were a kid? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| We'd throw them at each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Throw them at cars. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| They were little tiny things. | ||
| They were green and they were sour as shit. | ||
| You could eat them. | ||
| You'd eat them if you were really hungry, but most of the time you wouldn't eat them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's apparently what apples used to be. | ||
| Those were wild apples. | ||
| And then people went, hmm, if I just take this, I'm doing that. | ||
| And I don't know how they do it, but they figured out how to splice things and change things and selectively breed certain plants. | ||
| And they came up with different strains. | ||
| That's why corn looks the way it looks. | ||
| Old school corn was like the size of a hobo's dick. | ||
| And it was all knotty and fucked up looking. | ||
| It was like four inches long. | ||
| So it was a little tiny thing. | ||
| Did it taste the same? | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, it's a hobo's dick? | ||
| No, hobo's dicks are weird, man. | ||
| They're so variable. | ||
| You never know what you're getting. | ||
| It could be a recent hobo. | ||
| It could be like that guy who punched you, just old school, snot-blowing veteran. | ||
| His dick tastes like battery acid. | ||
| It's a dick that's been through the Pacific Southwest. | ||
| If a guy's just doing meth all day and he comes in your mouth, what do you think that tastes like? | ||
| Because if they say that a guy drinks orange juice, his cum tastes better. | ||
| Have you heard that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whenever I heard that, I was like, how many dicks do you have to suck before you figure that out? | ||
| You get away from me. | ||
| What are you, a fucking scientist? | ||
| Are you a sucking dick with a lab coat on? | ||
| Taking notes? | ||
| Hmm, asparagus. | ||
| Not recommended. | ||
| Swishing it around in your mouth like you're a wine connoisseur. | ||
| That's something you always hear. | ||
| Right? | ||
| If a guy eats pineapples. | ||
| If a guy eats pineapples, his cum tastes better. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But conversely, if you just knew nothing but smoking meth, your loads have to taste like hot death. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's fucking lumpy. | ||
| Pesticide. | ||
| Your loads taste like Roundup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not good when you have to chew it. | |
| It's not much either. | ||
| It's like a fucking Hershey's Kicks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Swallow it! | |
| I gotta chew it first! | ||
| I gotta chew it first! | ||
| Oh, motherfucker! | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| Then she's immediately tripping on meth. | ||
| She's out of her mind. | ||
| Do you remember when that actor, the fuck is his name? | ||
| Tom Sizemore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Remember when Tom Sizemore went off the rails? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And did a porn? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And like, they would play his thing on Opie and Anthony all the time. | ||
| Because when he was coming, he was like, Oh! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Motherfucker! | |
| Just a cracked out load. | ||
| There's nothing like the sound of a man orgasm where he knows he's just off the rails. | ||
| He's off the rails, on meth, making a porn. | ||
| He was in Saving Private Ryan. | ||
| Here he is. | ||
| That's as primal as it gets. | ||
| It's like the pure id being expressed. | ||
| Yeah, look at him. | ||
| Just fuck it. | ||
| Can you play it? | ||
| No, it's illegal. | ||
| Can't even show you this. | ||
| Oh, is it illegal for you to play the audio? | ||
| Can't show this. | ||
| He was a madman. | ||
| He was a madman. | ||
| Wait, how do you decide which clips you're allowed to play? | ||
| There's a tit on that, so I guess we can't play that. | ||
| Get it away! | ||
| Get it away! | ||
| Get it off! | ||
| Get it off the screen! | ||
| Get it off the screen! | ||
| I met him a long time ago. | ||
| I did a show on VH1 called The List. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I remember that. | ||
| I was the host of it. | ||
| You were the host of The List? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was one of the weeks that rotated people. | |
| So I think I did two... | ||
| Maybe three episodes, but one of them was, I got to meet Rob Halford. | ||
| I got to meet Rick James. | ||
| Rick James was like, Michael didn't do nothing to them kids. | ||
| He was like, we were talking about it, and one of the gals from Baywatch was on the show as well, and she was a mom. | ||
| God, I can't remember her name. | ||
| Very, very pretty girl. | ||
| I forget her name. | ||
| Married to Nikki Sixx? | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| I don't remember which one she was. | ||
| Anyway, very nice girl. | ||
| Gina something or another? | ||
| Anyway, it came up in some way, shape, or form. | ||
| And she was like, I don't buy it. | ||
| I don't buy it. | ||
| And he's like, Michael didn't do nothing to them kids. | ||
| Michael didn't do nothing to them kids. | ||
| And that's all bullshit. | ||
| Let me tell you something, that's all bullshit. | ||
| And Rick James had been up partying all night. | ||
| So when he showed up, we were warned that he might not be able to do it. | ||
| He got there, and you could tell he'd just been up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, he's like, I'm suffering from some sort of a cold, so if I can't do this, I can't do this. | |
| And we're like, hey man, do what you can do. | ||
| Do what you can do. | ||
| But he went out there and plowed through like a trooper. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, but he was defending Michael Jackson. | ||
| Michael didn't do nothing. | ||
| But Michael, what's his face? | ||
| Tom Sizemore came on, and he had fucking slippers on. | ||
| He had, like, slippers and a fucking bathrobe. | ||
| I don't remember what he wore when he sat down, but I remember he showed up with slippers and a bathrobe. | ||
| I'm like, this guy. | ||
| He was just... | ||
| Right when he was just going off the rails. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, right when he was going... | ||
| It was supposed to be him and Val Kilmer. | ||
| And Val Kilmer was out partying all night, and then he was with him, and he's just like... | ||
| Val Kilmer's like, fuck it, I'm not going. | ||
| Val Kilmer was gonna do the list? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Val Kilmer was off the rails. | ||
| Don't you remember when Val Kilmer got huge fat and went crazy? | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| He did a play. | ||
| Remember he did a play for a while and everybody was like, what the fuck is Val Kilmer doing? | ||
| Partying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was just going off. | ||
| He was just having fun. | ||
| And it was during that time that Sizemore showed up. | ||
| He was a very nice guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Super nice guy. | ||
| Meth, huh? | ||
| I don't know what he was doing. | ||
| He was doing a bunch of shit, but then he wound up on Celebrity Rehab, remember? | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Several seasons. | ||
| Was he? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| He was on with Heidi Fleiss. | ||
| Like, Heidi Fleiss was like his girlfriend. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That fucking Celebrity Rehab show. | ||
| Could you imagine if you tried to do that today? | ||
| Oh, they don't do it anymore? | ||
| No! | ||
| You're exploiting people. | ||
| It's the worst time you could ever have someone in front of cameras when they're most vulnerable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're recovering from addiction. | ||
| You don't think that that's an impediment to recovery? | ||
| Putting them on camera? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Following cameras around them while they're trying to detox and figure their fucking life out? | ||
| And you're giving them massive amounts of attention. | ||
| You're putting them on shooting schedules. | ||
| You got lav mics on them and shit. | ||
| And they start having affairs. | ||
| You encourage it. | ||
| I mean, you're supposed to discourage it. | ||
| It is crazy. | ||
| It's everything that AA is not. | ||
| It's the opposite of anonymous. | ||
| Do you ever hear Doug Stanhope's bid on it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Doug Stanhope tortured Dr. Drew. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Tortured him. | ||
| And he's 100% right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, look, they allowed that show to happen. | ||
| Dr. Drew figured, like, look, I'm a competent doctor. | ||
| I'll take care of it. | ||
| I'll make sure everything's fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And at least it'll expose, like, you could rationalize it. | ||
| It'll expose to people what it's like. | ||
| To, you know, go through this, and you see celebrities and movie stars going through this, but a lot of it wasn't celebrities and movie stars. | ||
| It was like sort of celebrities, like Angie Dickinson, where there's some guy on the show, some young guy, wasn't even famous. | ||
| Sylvester Stallone's brother. | ||
| Oh, was he on? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I shouldn't say that. | ||
| Julia Roberts' brother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know if that's true. | |
| Eric Roberts was on. | ||
| Was he? | ||
| And he was on for Pot. | ||
| It was hilarious. | ||
| Oh, God, really? | ||
| Everybody else is all fucked up. | ||
| This dude's... | ||
| He's got a newspaper out. | ||
| He's drinking coffee. | ||
| Good morning! | ||
| They're all shakes. | ||
| They're all shitting themselves, sweating through the night. | ||
| He's, like, going through zero withdrawals. | ||
| He's literally reading the Times over a cup of coffee with his feet up on the beach. | ||
| They're in, like, Balibu somewhere in some serene environment. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, that's the thing, too, is, like... | ||
| When you go to these rehabs, that shit is expensive, and it's like a resort. | ||
| It is. | ||
| You're going to do yoga, then you do a meditation, maybe you get a fucking massage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beautiful. | |
| You're drinking all green blended drinks. | ||
| And meanwhile, who's paying for it? | ||
| All the people that didn't have all the fun partying. | ||
| Um, I think you're paying for it. | ||
| No. | ||
| Who pays for it? | ||
| The state only pays for so much, right? | ||
| No, but I mean, say your brother gets all fucked up, you sent him to rehab, you're paying for it. | ||
| Oh, that's the worst. | ||
| If you have a brother that's a coke addict, and you have, like, say if you have a family and your wife's like, you're not fucking paying for it, Greg! | ||
| Greg, he's gotta get his shit together, okay? | ||
| The fucking, we need that money for Johnny's college! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is the fourth time he's gotten fucked up in two years! | |
| And then your wife's like, let's just kill him. | ||
| Let's just kill him. | ||
| You know your brother's a fucking loser. | ||
| Let's kill him. | ||
| Let's take out a Boston University life insurance. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not only we get rid of him, we'll make a couple bucks on the back end. | ||
| Let's take him fishing. | ||
| Club him over the head, throw him in the ocean. | ||
| Godfather style. | ||
| Godfather style. | ||
| How many people have done that? | ||
| How many people have killed loved ones they thought were losers just for a life insurance policy? | ||
| Oh, all the time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you could see the numbers of how many people have killed loved ones for money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, oh, money. | |
| Yeah, I mean, that's what that whole dark internet is about. | ||
| You know, getting a hitman to take out your husband. | ||
| That's why I got a one million dollar insurance policy for my wife. | ||
| Any more than that, she fucking wants me gone. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| One million lets her get her shit together. | ||
| You don't have to pay taxes on that anymore. | ||
| That's one good thing from Trump. | ||
| The key is you set up a shell, like we have a shell, that it would pay into. | ||
| What I'm thinking is actually inheritance tax. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Inheritance tax. | ||
| Like if your kids inherited your money. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like if you left your kids $500,000. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your kids would have to pay off half of that to the government. | ||
| So they really would only get $250,000. | ||
| And the government, Uncle Sam, would be like, yeah, I like my cut. | ||
| That's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like to take my cut. | |
| I like to wet my beak. | ||
| Meanwhile, Trump's right. | ||
| He's like, well, this is fucked up because that money's already been taxed. | ||
| Like somebody earned that money. | ||
| It's given to you as a gift when they die. | ||
| Like you shouldn't have to pay. | ||
| It's not earned income. | ||
| It Well, first of all, it's only over $1.8 million for a couple. | ||
| And my feeling is... | ||
| $1.8 million? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| That's the... | ||
| You don't pay any inheritance tax on under $1.8 million. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that true? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| So, to me, it feels like the framers of the Constitution had come from Europe, where money had been handed down through generations, aristocracies, useless, wasteful, dangerous motherfuckers. | ||
| And when they set up the Constitution, they said, we need to have... | ||
| An estate tax to try to keep the money from all ending up in the hands of a few families. | ||
| And so I'm all for it. | ||
| I think that, you know, if you end up with more than $1.8 million, your kids are set as well as their educations will be set. | ||
| That's a down payment on the house. | ||
| And then let them earn their fucking way. | ||
| That's a good point, actually. | ||
| I never thought about it that way. | ||
| You know what I didn't think, actually, honestly, is where does that, or I did think, rather, that I have the problem with is the money's going to go to the government. | ||
| That's the problem, is where does the money go? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It'd be one thing if you had an inheritance tax and it went towards a worthwhile charity, like a legitimate charity. | ||
| You should be able to pick your charity. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That's the way to do it. | ||
| Instead of giving it to the government and they spend it as they wish, they don't even have to have a fucking receipt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They don't have to have an audit of what they do. | ||
| Well, you look at what Warren Buffett is doing now. | ||
| He's giving it away before he dies. | ||
| That's what you got to do. | ||
| If you want to control where it goes, give it away, save a couple million, because that's what your kids will get, and fucking give the rest away the way you want to. | ||
| He's basically giving it all away. | ||
| 99% of it. | ||
| That's so insane. | ||
| He's worth so much money. | ||
| There's a documentary about him that's really crazy. | ||
| I mean, this guy, like, he literally lives in the same house he bought when he first moved to Omaha, Nebraska. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How's that possible? | ||
| Who watches his house? | ||
| People must want to kidnap him all the time. | ||
| He's right there on the street. | ||
| They fucking show a picture of it. | ||
| Does he have guards? | ||
| No. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| He drives to the same McDonald's every morning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does he? | |
| And he either gets an Egg McMuffin with sausage or the Egg McMuffin with bacon, depending on if the stock market is up or down. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| And he knows the exact... | ||
| He goes, it's $1.68. | ||
| I have that exact amount of money. | ||
| He's fucking nuts. | ||
| He's like, really... | ||
| Just flies commercial. | ||
| Yeah, he takes coach seats, right? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Drives a fucking... | ||
| Old, shitty-ass car. | ||
| I don't know if it's old, but it's like nothing. | ||
| It's a nothing car. | ||
| Maybe people don't believe he's that rich. | ||
| Maybe that's why they don't rob him. | ||
| I think he's like the fifth richest person in the world or something. | ||
| Well, I think public person. | ||
| I think the real issue is like those Saudi Arab Arab prince dudes who don't have to report their income. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Make that oil cash, son. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Make that deep oil cash. | ||
| Send their kids to New York City. | ||
| They're living in fucking five floors of an apartment building. | ||
| What was that thing you were telling me before the podcast started about Eric Prince, who used to be the head of Blackwater? | ||
| There's some news story that just broke out about the United Arab Emirates. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Arranging some sort of a meeting. | ||
| It was a thing where they were setting up some backwater communication between Trump and a major Russian official who's got close ties to Putin. | ||
| And the Blackwater guy was orchestrating the deal. | ||
| It's in the Washington Post right now. | ||
| Fake news! | ||
| You are fake news! | ||
| It happened the first week of January, right before he took office. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Back channel. | ||
| In some island. | ||
| The Seychelles Islands. | ||
| So they met there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So who met? | ||
| Someone from the administration? | ||
| This guy, Eric Prince, who's the founder of Blackwater, does not get much more evil than that. | ||
| Well, they changed the name to something else, and then he moved to, I think, the United Arab Emirates. | ||
| Oh, is that right? | ||
| And he became the security guy for the United Arab Emirates. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They essentially have their own army of high-level mercenaries. | ||
| They were meeting to explore whether Russia could be persuaded to curtail its relationship with Iran, including in Syria. | ||
| I think what happened with the Erik Prince guy is that once the Arab Spring shit started going down, some of those super rich guys were like, uh, yeah, let's fucking not have this happen over here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Let's put together a serious strategy. | ||
| And so they went with that guy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They had so much money. | ||
| So much money! | ||
| Well, who knows how much money they have? | ||
| Someone told me they have trillions, but I don't know if that, is that documented? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What's the richest person in the world is not, like, the richest public person. | ||
| Like, the richest public person used to be Bill Gates, and then there was some Mexican telecom guy. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Remember that dude? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's also, I think the money is spread out through these royal families, and none of the money goes to the Saudis, you know, the citizens. | ||
| No, they don't get any of it. | ||
| There's these royal families that have fucking hundreds of members, and the money all gets filtered throughout the family. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crazy. | |
| And they each have nine kids and... | ||
| What's crazy is that that didn't used to be the case until like, what, the 50s or 60s? | ||
| Like whenever they established these empires. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| What kind of money? | ||
| They weren't getting oil out of there. | ||
| Once they started getting oil out of there, they just... | ||
| Like, you ever seen the growth of Dubai over the past 30 years? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like a time-lapse images of the growth of Dubai. | ||
| As islands pop up out of sandbars. | ||
| They make... | ||
| Islands. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They make their own islands. | ||
| And they have an ocean break to stop the islands from getting swamped. | ||
| But one of the major, there's a huge high rise on one of the islands. | ||
| It just sank like five feet. | ||
| Into the fucking sand. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| They built a high rise on sand. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It just keeps sinking. | ||
| It's gonna go Leaning Tower Pisa style. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| What do they do? | ||
| Demolish it? | ||
| You know, they bring girls from the U.S. over there. | ||
| Holla? | ||
| From Russia? | ||
| They say you want it from Russia, but I hear stories about U.S. girls, too. | ||
| Go over there to get that paper? | ||
| They think they're going to go get a little... | ||
| Get that paper. | ||
| Going to date one guy, you're going to date a whole family. | ||
| Well, you ever heard what the Sultan of Brunei, how he used to rock it? | ||
| No. | ||
| He used to have a disco in his house. | ||
| And he would pay these girls extraordinary amounts of money, stay there for months at a time. | ||
| He'd have like 50 of them there. | ||
| And he would just come down and go, you, let's do it. | ||
| And he would just come down the disco, just fucking slide down the railing in his gold underwear and just start dancing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And just pick one and throw the dick to her and then go, I'll see you in a week or so. | ||
| And then they would just stick around, do whatever they had to do. | ||
| They'd go to the gym, work out, get their toes done, and he'd pick a new one all the time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He just had so much money. | ||
| One prostitute was like, that's not good enough. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want girls who are not prostitutes to become prostitutes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he just went, deep! | ||
| What about Melania Trump? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| That's the first lady. | ||
| Son of a bitch. | ||
| It's equal pay day, bro. | ||
| She's going to have the equal pay when she divorces him. | ||
| She's waiting to divorce that motherfucker. | ||
| You know that! | ||
| Oh, she doesn't even want to live with him. | ||
| She doesn't want to live with him. | ||
| She's like, listen, our son, he's only 10, can't kick him out of the school. | ||
| He's got to stay in the school. | ||
| 10-year-olds can't move. | ||
| No, they can't move. | ||
| They can't move to Washington to be near a dad who grabs women's pussies and admits it. | ||
| Or who's the president. | ||
| Someone said something really funny. | ||
| I forget who it was. | ||
| They said, is that the first lady or is that a flight attendant on the first flight to Mars? | ||
| Yeah, she's living with a lot of mixed feelings right now. | ||
| Jesus, look at her ring. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at that fucking ring. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good lord. | |
| Dude, she grew up in a fucking mud town in Eastern Europe. | ||
| Dude, that ring is insane. | ||
| That ring is like, how much is that ring worth? | ||
| Let's guess. | ||
| Let's take a guess, because I'm sure it's on the internet. | ||
| I would say her ring is worth five million dollars. | ||
| I'm going with 20. Really? | ||
| 20 million dollars. | ||
| Find out. | ||
| Find out, young Jamie. | ||
| I got bold as fuck right there. | ||
| I hope you noticed that. | ||
| Alyssa Milano calls out. | ||
| What is she calling out? | ||
| Melania Trump's giant diamond rings in official portrait. | ||
| Why is he calling out the rings? | ||
| What? | ||
| Come on, Alyssa. | ||
| What's she getting mad at? | ||
| Some blood diamonds. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| 25 carat... | ||
| $3 million ring. | ||
| Damn, I'm so wrong. | ||
| What did you pick? | ||
| I said five. | ||
| It's 25 carats. | ||
| 25 carat. | ||
| So what is Milana? | ||
| What's her problem? | ||
| It's too baller? | ||
| She can't handle it? | ||
| I heard Milania met Donald on Fuck Island, which is one of these islands. | ||
| It's real? | ||
| Yeah, they bring Eastern European women there, and then billionaires show up, and they all just fuck. | ||
| We gotta get richer, dude. | ||
| You wanna go to Fuck Island? | ||
| We gotta get an invite. | ||
| If it all goes sour, we're going to Fuck Island. | ||
| If it all goes wrong, your wife leaves you, mine leaves me. | ||
| We're like, look, dude, we're not getting any younger. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Listen, who cares what everybody says? | ||
| Let's go to Fuck Island! | ||
| Then we start going, and after a while, it's just like, dude, what are you doing Tuesday? | ||
| You wanna go to Fuck Island? | ||
| Alright. | ||
| He'll go to Fuck Island. | ||
| Dude, we'd be barbacks on Fuck Island. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| We'd be hoping that we'd be able to, look, all we have to do is we work there, we get a job there, I'll carry the ice, you carry the beer. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Dude, we're definitely gonna... | ||
| Duh! | ||
| You and me on Fuck Island drinking Miller Lite on the beach going, we gotta get out of here. | ||
| They took our passports though. | ||
| But we'd be laying down the real dick, because these billionaires can't fuck, and these women would be getting horny after a while. | ||
| I think so? | ||
| These billionaires are on Viagra and meth, and they're just slamming it in. | ||
| They probably have helmets on, like exoskeletons, and make them fuck harder, like some sort of an artificial spine that connects at the shoulders like a football outfit. | ||
| And you hear the hydrog, while they're just slamming in. | ||
| This Viagra meth-fueled dick. | ||
| They get a doctor that's right there taking vitals at all times. | ||
| They just have enough Viagra so their veins pump up so fat and thick that they almost black out. | ||
| It's like a fine line. | ||
| You've got to get them right to the edge. | ||
| They're seeing those... | ||
| You ever get punched and you see stars? | ||
| They see those stars while they're fucking. | ||
| They're almost going out. | ||
| That's what they're doing. | ||
| And then when they come, they just throw an oxygen mask on them and rub their feet. | ||
| When they come, they throw the girl right off the yacht. | ||
| You're spent! | ||
| She's like a spent cartridge. | ||
| And they have floaties on. | ||
| The girls wear floaties. | ||
| Because they know it's coming. | ||
| They swim to shore. | ||
| They collect their check. | ||
| They get on a plane. | ||
| They don't say shit. | ||
| They don't say shit. | ||
| It's a room in the water. | ||
| It's just a bidet. | ||
| Clean out the undercarriage and send her home. | ||
| All of a sudden, homegirl's got a Jaguar convertible. | ||
| Where'd you get that Jaguar? | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| I think it's darker than that. | ||
| I don't think you leave Fuck Island. | ||
| You just stay? | ||
| I think as the guy is fucking blasting his last dribble inside of you, you feel a cold barrel of a handgun on the back of your head. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| They just bury you on Fuck Island? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I guess if there's certain countries, obviously... | ||
| North Korea, right? | ||
| That guy's killing people left and right. | ||
| You can get away with killing people in certain countries, like 100%. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, he killed his half-brother. | ||
| He killed... | ||
| Who did? | ||
| Kim Jong-un. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| He hired someone to do that, and apparently they didn't know they were doing it. | ||
| Apparently they were doing a prank. | ||
| They thought they were doing a prank, and they squirted him with something. | ||
| It turned out to be some neurotoxin that fucking zapped him and killed him. | ||
| But he killed some guy who was a general, because he thought that it was like his uncle. | ||
| That he thought was trying to usurp him. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that, right. | ||
| He killed his kids, too. | ||
| Because he didn't want his sons taking revenge. | ||
| So he killed his sons. | ||
| Wow, that's hard. | ||
| So that's going on right now. | ||
| If that's going on, someone could shoot some crazy Croatian chick on Fuck Island. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Someone should do a documentary on Fuck Island. | ||
| Now, that's allegedly, by the way, just in case the president is listening. | ||
| I bet he didn't. | ||
| He's an outstanding man. | ||
| How do you think he met her? | ||
| Perfect grooming. | ||
| He met her on a J-date. | ||
|
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|
She swiped right. | |
| Is it right or left? | ||
| Right. | ||
| She swiped right. | ||
| He swiped right. | ||
| Party began. | ||
| They met up at a Starbucks for a coffee date first. | ||
| Keep it safe. | ||
| Oh, see, she's upset. | ||
| Kim Jong-un offered no trace of him left behind down to his hair, according to sources in Seoul, South Korea. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| The vice minister of the army was executed with a mortar round. | ||
| For reportedly drinking and carousing during the official mourning period for Kim Jong Il's death. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| The vice minister of the army, they shot him with a mortar round. | ||
| This is a different guy. | ||
| Holy fuck, man. | ||
| Trinking and carousing during the mourning period. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| They use an anti-aircraft gun. | ||
| Following the mortar round method, it seems that Kim stepped up his bloodlust a bit with his use of an anti-aircraft gun. | ||
| Anti-aircraft guns to annihilate his perceived enemies. | ||
| He used anti-aircraft guns on people. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| And on that note, folks, it's been a wonderful podcast. | ||
| I hope you, wherever you are, I hope you're happy. | ||
| I hope you're happy you're not in North Korea. | ||
| And if you're in North Korea, just gotta learn how to swim. | ||
| Hang in there. | ||
| We'll be there soon. | ||
| Get to South Korea. | ||
| Gotta swim. | ||
| Gotta make the jump. | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons coming up soon. | ||
| Helium in Philly. | ||
| Helium in Philly. | ||
| Denver Comedy Works. | ||
| Greg with Fitzdog Radio. | ||
| Fitzdog Radio is the podcast. | ||
| Joe Rogan's going to be on soon. | ||
| Holla. | ||
| This is probably our best podcast ever. | ||
| This was good. | ||
| I fucking howled. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All right, folks. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| We'll be back tomorrow. | ||
| Who do I have tomorrow? | ||
| Tomorrow. | ||
| Oh, Dan Flores. | ||
| I'm very excited. | ||
| The author, Dan Flores, Coyote Investigator, author of Coyote America, and American Serengeti. | ||
| So that should be great. | ||
| See you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye. |
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