Feb. 27, 2017 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:01:50
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
Let's just go live! | |
| Da da da da da da da da da da And we're live! | ||
| Should I put this in my... | ||
| There goes the MCT oil. | ||
| Is this a good idea or a bad idea? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| How long are we going to talk today? | ||
| It depends. | ||
| It depends on how long you can hold back the floodgates of hell. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I mean, I don't... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, why is this wet? | |
| Oh, that is coconut emulsified MCT oil. | ||
| If this is cum, I will never talk to you again, Joe. | ||
| I swear to God, my cum does not look like that. | ||
| And it definitely doesn't keep that well in plastic. | ||
| Pristine white. | ||
| You're so healthy. | ||
| I'm eating a lot of organic foods. | ||
| Is that too much? | ||
| It's changed the way my cum looks. | ||
| Wow, it looks like Elmer's glue. | ||
| No, that's not too much at all. | ||
| This is nothing wrong with this. | ||
| We were talking before for people that just tuned in. | ||
| There was no other way to tune in. | ||
| No. | ||
| Unless you bugged the studio. | ||
| The FBI is recording us. | ||
| We were talking about the drama behind taking too much MCT oil. | ||
| There's a feeling that you get where like a water bubble pops in your stomach and you're like, oh Jesus! | ||
| Yeah, it's like just abortion. | ||
| Like a five month abortion. | ||
| There's some ribs crack. | ||
| Yeah, something goes wrong, and then you must get to the toilet immediately. | ||
| And I don't know why. | ||
| I was trying to figure it out, like, whether or not it's, like, the oil itself, where it lubricates. | ||
| But that doesn't make any sense, because a lot of water comes out of your body, too, somehow or another. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| Do you ever do colonics? | ||
| No. | ||
| I've heard they're not good for you. | ||
| Have you ever? | ||
| Are they? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know either. | ||
| But placebo effect is a measurable effect. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So if you think it's good for you, maybe it is, or I don't know, but I have done a couple, and I don't do them anymore. | ||
| I just was like, when I first got money, I was like, I should pay guys to put things in my butt! | ||
| So a guy did it? | ||
| A guy did it, yeah. | ||
| Is that weird? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, yes. | |
| The answer is yes. | ||
| Judging by the pause. | ||
| Just so you know, like, well, because I was thinking about it, I was like, guys, I know putting things in my butt is weird, too. | ||
| It's all weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's weird, too. | |
| It's all weird. | ||
| Paying someone, I at least feel like I have a modicum of control and can actually sort of set boundaries, but it's weird. | ||
| There's so many weird things going on, it's hard to isolate what's uncomfortable, though. | ||
| I feel like putting things in the bud is a lot like Catholic schoolgirls, in that suppression is what creates the diamond, you know? | ||
| Yes, yes, true. | ||
| It's weird because he did find a diamond in there when he flushed me out. | ||
| What I mean by that is... | ||
| When we were kids, we all knew that Catholic school girls were like the biggest hoes. | ||
| Right, because they had the repression. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| The pendulum has to swing hard. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You can't, like, there's yin and yang to this life, right? | ||
| Yes, right. | ||
| To find equilibrium. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a cycle. | |
| They have to be whores. | ||
| Yeah, I did. | ||
| I went to Catholic school. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| I did. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| I did for a bunch of years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How many? | |
| Five? | ||
| Six? | ||
| But I was, I mean, my fate was sealed way before Catholic school. | ||
| I mean, that was just like my excuse for my behavior. | ||
| I went to Catholic school. | ||
| That's not why. | ||
| I was a mess way before then. | ||
| But it weirdly, yeah, I mean, there's so much transgression within the Catholics. | ||
| Everyone was getting in trouble because, yeah, they were all sort of rebelling against. | ||
| It's forbidden. | ||
| It is forbidden. | ||
| I think it's like the butt. | ||
| It's like butt sex. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| It's like, ooh, she's going to let you put it in there? | ||
| It's funny you said that because I was thinking about you during butt sex. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I was thinking about, like, because I was like, I'm coming on the show tomorrow, and I felt like the last couple times I did the show, I was like, I feel like I was in a weirdly, like, I was talking about, like, I had just come back from Vietnam with deformed babies. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And I was like, is it going to go that way? | ||
| And last night... | ||
| Are we going to talk about deformed babies again? | ||
| No. | ||
| Because I'm out of deformed baby stories. | ||
| And I was at the gym last night. | ||
| I know it's obvious that I go to the gym. | ||
| LA Fitness. | ||
| I go to LA Fitness because I'm successful. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I can afford $28 a month. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| And I was in the bathroom, just like, you know, whatever. | ||
| And I heard this girl on the phone. | ||
| And she was like, you know, when you see someone pacing on the phone and you're like, oh, that's like a business call. | ||
| And I was just incapable of minding my own business, so I was listening to her. | ||
| She was also yelling. | ||
| And she goes, you know, into the phone, she's like, you know, I don't really get it. | ||
| I've only been asked to do one anal scene. | ||
| It sounds like I'm lying. | ||
| I know it sounds like this story's a lie. | ||
| I've only been asked to do one anal scene. | ||
| It went on and she's like, and it doesn't make any sense because I don't do anal in my personal life, so it's really tight. | ||
| This happened in the LA Fitness locker room. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And I was just like, I was agog for many reasons. | ||
| I would think that that would be like standard in LA that you'd run into porn stars. | ||
| You'd think, and I'm sure we do all the time, I don't hear them negotiating their deals. | ||
| This went on for quite a long time. | ||
| She did talk about when her rent was due. | ||
| I mean, I was in there for quite a while, and it just made me think about how grateful I am that I don't... | ||
| Do porn? | ||
| Do porn. | ||
| That's a good thing to be grateful for. | ||
| I had a friend of mine who his buddy was dating a porn star and it was like, no big deal. | ||
| You know, it's no big deal. | ||
| We all have sex. | ||
| No big deal. | ||
| And then one day the straw that broke the camel's back was she was going over her contract and he was apparently there. | ||
| I guess they have contracts sometimes. | ||
| I don't know if they always do, but in the contract it said, airtight. | ||
| And he was like, what's airtight? | ||
| And she was like, it's a guy in every hole. | ||
| And he's like, I'm good. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| We're done. | ||
| It's over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a wrap. | |
| It happened. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| Break the fourth wall. | ||
| Just one in the ass, one in the pussy, one in the mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, one in each ear. | |
| I mean, it was, and I couldn't stop thinking about it, because I was, of course, like, I had just, we had been texting about, I came back from Tulsa, and I had a connection, and I was like, I have a, like, I... You were on what Bill Hicks used to call the Flying Saucer Tour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that? | |
| Because you were in the places only where flying saucers go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's... | |
| Amazing. | ||
| That's what Hicks used to call it. | ||
| When he would do the South. | ||
| He'd do these flying saucer tours. | ||
| Because that's the same as you. | ||
| That's how he would work out his stuff. | ||
| He would go to these weird road gigs. | ||
| I call it the kidnapped comedy tour, which is when I leave the airport with the driver, I'm like, I'm being kidnapped. | ||
| Like, because I truly don't know where we're going. | ||
| There's no hows. | ||
| I mean, we were just like in the middle of nowhere. | ||
| And I was like, I'm either going to go to a casino and do stand-up or get murdered brutally in a field. | ||
| Is that what you were doing? | ||
| Casinos out there? | ||
| I did a casino. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Mommy's got bills. | ||
| Mommy's got a lot of bills to pay. | ||
| And, oh, and this girl, she just went on and on and on. | ||
| And she said something that was so interesting to me. | ||
| She was like, and it doesn't make any sense because I don't do anal in my personal life. | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| And I thought it was so interesting that a porn star had boundaries in her personal life, but she'll do it on camera. | ||
| Yeah, she'll do it for money. | ||
| And it made me think about my boundaries. | ||
| I was like, this girl has stronger boundaries than I do. | ||
| Well, I mean, it's a preference issue, right? | ||
| Like, some girls actually like it. | ||
| Like, it's a bizarre thing. | ||
| I've had it come up on stage before, where people, like, raise their hands and say, I love it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're like, alright. | ||
| There are many I get. | ||
| I'm not gonna chime in too much on this, but I agree with you. | ||
| I think some people just like to be dirty, too. | ||
| They like to be a dirty girl. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I just don't know when sex got so boring. | ||
| Just regular old sex. | ||
| It's got to be so weird now. | ||
| I think a lot of it is who you're doing it with. | ||
| Why you're doing it to them. | ||
| Is it maintenance sex? | ||
| Are you really turned on? | ||
| Do you really like them? | ||
| Do you want them to like you? | ||
| Are you mutually enamored with each other? | ||
| Is there a mental connection? | ||
| Are you trying to get them to be enamored with you? | ||
| Animals. | ||
| Yeah, is it two animals? | ||
| Is it pure? | ||
| Is it a power thing? | ||
| Is it like that Billy Joel song? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Matter of Trust. | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's a good one. | ||
| Old school. | ||
| Or are we just so desensitized from porn? | ||
| I'm fascinated by that. | ||
| Well, there's definitely that. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I'm doing this bit in my act now about the loss of pubic hair. | ||
| That there was at one point in time people just had pubic hair. | ||
| And now it just seems like women don't have pubic hair anymore. | ||
| Look, I got it lasered off five years ago, and I have been freezing ever since. | ||
| I am so drinking hot tea just trying to stay warm. | ||
| Have you ever thought of wool panties? | ||
| No, I'm going to have to get a merkin. | ||
| Wool is good. | ||
| Get your eyebrows! | ||
| I'm going to have to go to Piven's guy. | ||
| So it's interesting you say that. | ||
| A friend of mine, she is more like a family, like acquaintance, and she's got a daughter who's 15 who had her first sexual experience. | ||
| I don't think they had sex, but a man. | ||
| A boy her age saw her naked. | ||
| So there's no legal issues here. | ||
| Yes, there was no authorities. | ||
| Don't call them authorities. | ||
| Normal stuff. | ||
| She came home hysterically crying after her first teenage boy saw her naked because he saw her private area and was like, what is that? | ||
| He had never seen pubic hair before because he had only seen porn. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And he had never seen a labia before because in a lot of porn they have labioplasties and they remove them. | ||
| So he sees this horrific chicken gizzard and he thinks that she's deformed or has a giant skin tag because in porn they don't have a lot of it. | ||
| Is that that common that they get their labia chopped off? | ||
| It's pretty common. | ||
| When you see a vagina in porn that does not have the orchid-like You know, I don't know, elephant ear or whatever. | ||
| Catcher's Mint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| I don't know what porn. | ||
| You're watching MILF porn, obviously. | ||
| MILF porn. | ||
| That's apparently the most popular. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know why? | |
| I have a theory with that. | ||
| What's the theory? | ||
| The same reason why Ron Jeremy was a big time porn star. | ||
| Because, like, people looked at Ron Jeremy fucking these girls, and they're like, hey, if Ron Jeremy can fuck these girls, it's not like Ryan Reynolds. | ||
| It's like, I kind of look like Ron Jeremy, and he's getting laid. | ||
| Yeah, he wears a t-shirt in his porn. | ||
| Yeah, and if you see these women that are, like, 45 and still doing porn, I could get her. | ||
| I could get her. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I have her. | ||
| She's in my living room right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's down the street. | |
| She's in apartment 4C. Yeah, I'm married to one. | ||
| That crazy bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She's right over there. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| So maybe just like movies, there's like aspirational and then there's, you know, relatable. | ||
| Relatable, I think, is a big factor with the MILF porn. | ||
| I guess for me, I can't. | ||
| And maybe this is my being a girl. | ||
| Maybe it's being a comic. | ||
| Maybe it's having a hyperactive amygdala. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But when I watch porn, it's really hard for me to separate what I'm looking at from how the person got there. | ||
| And when they're young, I'm like, she's an idiot and she had a bad childhood and it happens. | ||
| But when they're older... | ||
| Unless it's Jenna Jameson or someone who's been doing it for a long time. | ||
| I'm like, who at 43 starts doing porn? | ||
| It's just too tragic for me. | ||
| Well, the jump off, like how do you jump off the train and when do you decide you've had enough years on the ride? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That would be the issue. | ||
| So many of them are on drugs and had bad childhoods. | ||
| The only porn I really am able to watch is Tumblr. | ||
| Tumblr porn? | ||
| Tumblr has great porn because it's just in increments of 8 seconds. | ||
| Wait a minute, Tumblr is porn? | ||
| It's like teenagers blogs about Twilight. | ||
| Pinterest-type collections of furniture and stuff. | ||
| Animated GIF files? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| But there's also some porn ones that are sort of tasteful. | ||
| And it's only an increment of eight seconds, and it just replays it, so you don't have time to see the bad furniture in the background. | ||
| I get distracted by the... | ||
| The decor? | ||
| The bed. | ||
| I'm like, that's IKEA. It's not assembled properly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I get distracted so easily. | |
| If a girl's got a tattoo on her thigh, all I can think about is what it's going to look like in 20 years. | ||
| I can't separate enjoying porn from the porn star's bad decisions. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And I get worried about them. | ||
| So this is good because it's eight seconds and my mind can't wander. | ||
| Okay, I get it. | ||
| And they have some that are black and white, which is kind of sexy. | ||
| It's arty and it always looks consensual. | ||
| I can't really get turned on because I can tell when a girl is faking. | ||
| I can tell. | ||
| I've done it. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| So when a girl is just overdoing it or something, I'm just sort of like, that's a bummer. | ||
| It is a strange thing, the overwhelming number of people that watch other people have sex and masturbate. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| In history, in the history of human beings, there's never been more people masturbating to other people having sex. | ||
| Amazing point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| It's fascinating. | ||
| And also I've gotten kind of obsessed with this because I recently did a movie where, and you know, when you do stuff, you do like focus group testing. | ||
| And there was a scene in the movie where Blake Griffin, the basketball player, really funny actor, like he's great in it, is with Cecily Strong. | ||
| They're married. | ||
| And the scene was that I wrote it with Neil Brennan, actually, that he walks in on his wife masturbating and what that is. | ||
| You know, like women walking on men, guys masturbate all the time, but how he takes it personally and, you know, it's sort of a threat to his masculinity and manhood and he's insulted and his feelings are hurt and all this stuff. | ||
| And so she's at a table and there's a computer and that's the deal. | ||
| I guess I just put my own experience into it. | ||
| I just assume everyone masturbates the same way to the same things, the same vibe. | ||
| When we played it for the focus groups, everyone was so confused about what was going on when he comes in and sees her at the desk with her hands under the table. | ||
| With the computer. | ||
| And then she throws the computer down and she's freaked out. | ||
| And to me, it's very obvious that she was masturbating in the scene. | ||
| In the focus groups, this one guy was like, oh, I had no idea she was masturbating. | ||
| I mean, where were the candles? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| You light candles? | ||
| Like, everybody masturbates so differently, I learned. | ||
| That dude masturbates with candles. | ||
| I was like, you light a... | ||
| You have a ceremonial... | ||
| Because I thought all guys just masturbate under a bridge where they belong. | ||
| And then... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The women were even weirder. | |
| This one woman was like, oh, I had no idea she was masturbating because she wasn't in the tub. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| That's so specific. | ||
| Masturbate in your own... | ||
| Juices? | ||
| That's pussy soup. | ||
| Yeah, don't! | ||
| That's what I feel about Tubbs anyway. | ||
| You're not really even totally clean. | ||
| You're kind of in pussy and asshole soup. | ||
| I mean, that's what you're doing. | ||
| You're making tea. | ||
| You really gotta take a shower after you take a bath. | ||
| You're making tea. | ||
| Put some MCT. You're making pussy tea. | ||
| So it's just this... | ||
| I mean, we're comics, so we're... | ||
| I'm fascinated by people's deep, dark secrets. | ||
| And I feel like masturbation is that. | ||
| We show our lives to everyone on social media. | ||
| You know what I eat. | ||
| You know where your kids are. | ||
| You don't really do that. | ||
| But most people, everything. | ||
| The one thing we don't know about anyone is how they masturbate. | ||
| Well, I think also it highlights the problem with those focus groups. | ||
| Those focus groups are filled with morons. | ||
| Think about the kind of person who needs $50 cash. | ||
| Yeah, right now. | ||
| And we'll go watch a movie in the valley for $50. | ||
| And by the way, if you're listening to this, you're like, hey man, I'm fucking normal. | ||
| I'm just broke. | ||
| It's not you, man. | ||
| But you know the people that you're doing it with. | ||
| Yes, yeah. | ||
| Okay, let's be honest. | ||
| I mean, I have a complicated relationship with focus groups because... | ||
| We're comics. | ||
| Anonymous Strangers feedback is how I seek the truth, and that's who I listen to. | ||
| Like, I would rather Anonymous Strangers feedback than, like, a network executive who's, like, got all these, you know, sort of preconceived ideas of what a show should be like based on some formulaic thing that worked 10 years ago. | ||
| You know, the involuntary laugh, that's, to me, where the truth is. | ||
| So I have a complicated relationship with focus groups, because I really do trust Strangers. | ||
| Well, you kind of have to if you're a comic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, because we have a weird art form in that we're one of the very few art forms that requires other people to make it form. | ||
| People we've never met and know nothing about and put complete trust in. | ||
| Yeah, if we don't do that, it won't be good. | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, you can write a few jokes on their own and they come out really good, but you can never write an act. | ||
| Like, have you ever, and I know a bunch of comics that do this, like, if I'm sitting in a vacuum, like, writing jokes, I can be like, oh, this is funny, and you go do, you know, it's very, I mean, I feel like I'm gonna, I definitely have a, I'm usually pretty close, but there are times that it's just like, Yeah. | ||
| There is not a linear relationship with what I think. | ||
| That's why you're having a... | ||
| You just put a giant squirt of MCTY. No, that's fine. | ||
| That squirt is fine. | ||
| That is too much MCTY. No, it's like cream. | ||
| Look, it's great. | ||
| Looks good in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tastes good. | |
| That is too much. | ||
| Trust me, it's not too much. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| Yeah, what I'm talking about is like... | ||
| I want to know how much you drank that was an overdose. | ||
| Well, have you ever seen those smoothies? | ||
| That was half a bottle. | ||
| Have you ever seen the smoothies that I put up on Instagram? | ||
| I call them Hulk loads. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| That is also a brand of porn, by the way. | ||
| Hulk loads? | ||
| I put like a quarter of a cup of MCT oil in that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is there... | |
| I don't know anything about... | ||
| Is there a point where your body stops metabolizing something because it's gotten enough of it? | ||
| Yes, but I hit that point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, you know exactly. | |
| I hit that 100%. | ||
| Got it. | ||
| I get it all. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And this is a daily thing, this much MCT. Well, that squirt right there, that little baby squirt, that's nothing. | ||
| You're a monster, and your Shrek hand, literally in one squirt, released half of that bottle. | ||
| I've never seen anything like that. | ||
| I shudder at the idea of you jerking off. | ||
| I literally feel sympathy for your dick. | ||
| Strange noises. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What you just did to that bottle was intense. | |
| Your dick needs a day off. | ||
| I'm never going to look at my hands again and think of Shrek hands. | ||
| Never touch it again. | ||
| Your dick is filing a restraining order against your hands. | ||
| Well, thank God for fleshlights. | ||
| That used to be our sponsor. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, way back in the day. | ||
| It was our first sponsor. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The only sponsor that we had was The Fleshlight. | ||
| I remember I had sort of an aha moment with one of my specials. | ||
| I think it was on Comedy Central. | ||
| You kind of find out who you are based on who buys advertising time on your show. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I guess so. | ||
| I did some special on Comedy Central, and the ads were all like Adam and Eve sex toys! | ||
| Valtrex! | ||
| I was just like, oh, okay. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| That's who I am. | ||
| Good to know. | ||
| The focus group thing, I just can't imagine that no one would understand that a woman with her hands in her pants watching a computer wouldn't be masturbating. | ||
| They were very confused. | ||
| Unless guys assume that women don't masturbate to porn. | ||
| To porn, yeah. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I don't talk about that kind of stuff with my girlfriends. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| No. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| I'm not like, what do you masturbate to? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| You guys don't talk about that all the time. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh yeah, we joke about it. | ||
| No. | ||
| Like we prepare. | ||
| Like some guys prepare. | ||
| I don't even talk about sex with guys with my girlfriends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I talk about it on podcasts to strangers. | |
| You don't talk about it with your girlfriends. | ||
| Is that odd? | ||
| Well, it's not odd. | ||
| It's just like, I mean, I'll definitely sometimes try to corroborate. | ||
| Like, I'll be like, hey, is this happening? | ||
| Or is this just, you know, is this a thing? | ||
| And they're like, yeah. | ||
| How many times do you get smacked? | ||
| Yeah, like, are you? | ||
| Because that's the new, the pussy, sorry, I hate that word. | ||
| Pussy? | ||
| You hate pussy? | ||
| No, I hate the word pussy in a non-sexual, I don't hate it, it just feels like it's reserved, it's just not. | ||
| It's only for sex. | ||
| I don't use it in a colloquial way, but I don't have another substitute for it, because vagina's a bummer. | ||
| Yeah, vagina is like an ant. | ||
| It is like an ant from Mississippi. | ||
| It's like non-sexual. | ||
| Oh, it's vagina. | ||
| It's very clinical. | ||
| I don't have a synonym for it, but slapping... | ||
| Like, I always know what's the new trend in porn, because it'll, you know... | ||
| Slapping pussies is the new trend? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You'll get, like, a slap. | ||
| That doesn't seem like it would be good. | ||
| And I don't know if it's like a... | ||
| Am I in trouble? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What if I just slapped your dick? | ||
| That would not feel good. | ||
| I don't know why anybody would like to get slapped. | ||
| I just think guys assume that since we give birth and that's such a shocking amount of pain that we can injure anything. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a weird little... | ||
| Well, there's something that happens in porn, for sure, where they escalate. | ||
| Where it used to be just people having sex. | ||
| If you go back to old porn, it would be like a secretary and a boss and, oh, I'm so tense, and the guy gives her a back massage. | ||
| Next thing you know, they're having just regular sex. | ||
| And then somewhere along the line, it became like gagging and slapping and fucking coughing and tears. | ||
| Going back and forth from one to the other, which is... | ||
| Super dangerous. | ||
| That is a UTI way, it's septic infection. | ||
| That's all I can think of, you know. | ||
| Stuff that's like you should not do in real life. | ||
| It's a really setting bad example. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Terrible example. | |
| And guess who's having to suffer? | ||
| This guy. | ||
| It's us. | ||
| We're the ones that have to be like, meh. | ||
| And then we're like... | ||
| Mean women. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I mean, we just have to play defense because there's always a, what porn did you watch today? | ||
| It's like, am I getting hit? | ||
| Am I getting trolled? | ||
| Can you please teach me jiu-jitsu just so I can get through this? | ||
| It's going to take a long... | ||
| It's not something... | ||
| You just teach somebody. | ||
| It's not like, this is the letter A in cursive. | ||
| I have a question. | ||
| I was thinking about this because I always am trying to equate our primordial instincts that we have not evolved past and with modern technology and alarm systems and how we get out those impulses in the modern world. | ||
| You know, did you hear about these food trucks that were in downtown LA? They're like these awesome food trucks who in every day are at a different location and guys go on Twitter to find where they are. | ||
| So I'm like, that's hunting, right? | ||
| That's the closest thing these guys have to hunting if they're not you, right? | ||
| That's a weird way of thinking it. | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| I never equated that before, but I guess kind of. | ||
| If men have a primordial need to chase things and go kill and slay or whatever it is, so if there's an inherent need to be violent, let's say, and people don't get to do what you do and a lot of people that you talk to do, do they... | ||
| I guess here's my question. | ||
| Do people who get the impulse to fight out, either professionally or recreationally, are they less violent sexually? | ||
| Like, do they not need to... | ||
| Does it have to come out somewhere? | ||
| I would imagine they would be less violent, actually. | ||
| Yeah, because they get that urge. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine they'd be less violent overall. | ||
| Agree. | ||
| Because they get to purge it somehow. | ||
| Yeah, and while I think road rage, when you see people in road rage incidents, the likelihood of them coming straight from a jiu-jitsu class and having road rage is almost zero. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Because when I come home from jujitsu and someone cuts me off, I'm like, oh, dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| That's it. | ||
| Dick. | ||
| So you know how much, you know, what your threshold is for how much violence or not even violence. | ||
| I don't know what testosterone, whatever it is. | ||
| I think it's more tension than anything. | ||
| Yeah, releasing it. | ||
| Yeah, I think it's more. | ||
| Most people never get to release it. | ||
| No, most people don't. | ||
| And I think our bodies, I always describe our bodies as like a leaky battery, that we have a certain amount of reward systems that are built into our bodies, fight and flight, and worrying about how to gather food, and worrying about incoming tribes that are going to rape and kill us. | ||
| And I think those things are just ingrained in our DNA, and they don't get met or even addressed at all in modern society. | ||
| I have a friend of mine who has a really bad neck. | ||
| His neck is all fucked up. | ||
| And he works at a desk all day. | ||
| He hardly exercises. | ||
| He does a little bit of exercise. | ||
| But I'm like, man, your body has demands. | ||
| And you're not meeting it by just sitting there with shitty posture at your desk. | ||
| My doctor says sitting is the new smoking. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people say that. | ||
| Well, that's why we're in these chairs. | ||
| These things are called capiscos. | ||
| They're from Ergo Depot. | ||
| Is this a Sibian? | ||
| No. | ||
| You would be really numb. | ||
| Then you would need a slap down there. | ||
| It's very distracting. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| These are forcing you to sit like this. | ||
| Have you noticed it? | ||
| I wore an underwire bra today, so that forces me to do this. | ||
| What does that do? | ||
| It pushes down? | ||
| No, it's like three harpoons. | ||
| And if you move, they sort of jam into you. | ||
| Is it a posture thing? | ||
| No, it's just like a masochism, misogynistic lingerie thing. | ||
| Is that just to make your tits perky? | ||
| Yeah, I haven't done laundry. | ||
| My cleaning lady's sick, so I'm improvising and wearing things that I wouldn't normally wear. | ||
| And I can't believe women wear this all the time, because I normally don't wear underwire. | ||
| Now, does that... | ||
| I always wanted to know this. | ||
| Do support bras actually support your breasts and keep them from starting to sag? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's like any part of the skin, you know, if you hold something up. | ||
| So I know a lot of women who have pendulous breasts who wear bras to sleep so that they don't, you know, because their skin's elastic. | ||
| So they don't ever fully get beaten down by gravity. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then you have a kid and it's... | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you go Africa style. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They're just... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no way around that, right? | ||
| Yeah, but this, unless you wear a support, this is just more like, I normally never wear underwire because it makes me a bad person. | ||
| Because you're in pain? | ||
| Yeah, it's just uncomfortable. | ||
| Irritated? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm used to thongs. | ||
| I've gone numb in that area. | ||
| I've just had to acquiesce to them. | ||
| Your butt crack goes numb. | ||
| But yeah, it's like if, I mean, basically. | ||
| There's a certain type of... | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with my throat today? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It's probably MCTO. It's MCTO. No, but I have gotten so—it's amazing, and I'm just always fascinated by—and we're seeing it, you know, I think everyone's—it's sort of a zeitgeisty word right now, normalization or desensitization. | ||
| I'm obsessed with how we acclimate, because I think it's our human instinct to acclimate to some kind of pain or lower our tolerance to deal with— Consistent pain or discomfort or whatever. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| How we sort of have this amazing ability to adapt. | ||
| And I didn't wear thongs, didn't wear thongs. | ||
| I was resisting it, resisting it. | ||
| Finally started wearing them. | ||
| They were so uncomfortable for a couple months. | ||
| And then I forgot I had one on and peed through one once. | ||
| You peed through it? | ||
| Peed through one. | ||
| I sat down. | ||
| So you sat down on the toilet. | ||
| You thought you were naked. | ||
| That's how little I felt it. | ||
| Were you on any kind of medication at this time? | ||
| You know, I should have been. | ||
| I probably should have been on antipsychotics. | ||
| I can't believe you peed through your underwear. | ||
| No, I got the super light camo ones. | ||
| Actually, Under Armour makes workout ones. | ||
| They're called camo, I think. | ||
| They're not like camouflage. | ||
| I'm not hunting in them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, okay, okay. | |
| Because Under Armour makes a lot of hunting gear. | ||
| Oh, does it now? | ||
| Didn't know that. | ||
| They started making... | ||
| They did not ask me to be the face of that campaign. | ||
| I can't imagine why. | ||
| You could be if you wanted to try a new career. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They're always looking for women to get involved in hunting. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, that's like a big thing, like pretty girls that go hunting. | ||
| Is that sexy? | ||
| I think some people think it is, but what it is is unusual. | ||
| You see these girls with full makeup on with really well applied camo on their face, so it's kind of obvious. | ||
| And then they have a dead lion next to them. | ||
| And then they take these Facebook photos and it gets really weird. | ||
| There was a girl, she was pretty famous for it because she was a cheerleader in Texas and she shot a lion. | ||
| And like Ricky Gervais and all these people went crazy and they're attacking her and it became Kendall Jenner, I think is her name. | ||
| That's a famous Kardashian. | ||
| Am I right? | ||
| No way. | ||
| It's not Kendall Jenner. | ||
| It's Kendall something or another. | ||
| I mean, that's the most endearing thing you've ever done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm so out of the loop. | |
| What's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kendall Jones. | |
| Jones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There it is. | |
| Kendall Jones. | ||
| Not far. | ||
| Pretty close. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm so out of the loop. | ||
| Someone's trying to explain to me. | ||
| If you were in the Kardashian loop, I'd be concerned. | ||
| Which one's the one that had... | ||
| There it is. | ||
| There's the girl with the lion. | ||
| See? | ||
| So there's something weird about it. | ||
| Like this picture right here. | ||
| Look at this picture. | ||
| I don't want to look at it. | ||
| Just take a look real quick. | ||
| No, I think I've seen... | ||
| This will ruin my week. | ||
| Ash, you'll be fine. | ||
| My hippocampus can't... | ||
| This sexy pose with a bow and a dead lion. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't look at it. | ||
| And by the way, that lion... | ||
| Is, you know, it's lions all... | ||
| There's a weird thing about the hunting lions thing, too, because a lot of them, they're in these high fence places where they go and these lions are kind of trapped in these areas. | ||
| And sometimes they actually release the lion the day of the hunt. | ||
| So this lion had been in a cage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Disgusting. | |
| And then they release the lion and this woman goes out and shoots the... | ||
| I mean, I don't know if that was the case with her. | ||
| This person, a man sometimes, will go out and shoot the lion. | ||
| The lion literally has no idea what's going on. | ||
| It's not even a free-range lion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yes. | ||
| So to me, that's a mentally ill person. | ||
| But my question for you is that is there something primordial about because I think, you know, we are I think inherently and this is going to sound wrong or it's going to sound like feminist, whatever. | ||
| But like there's a lot of evidence that we're matriarchal species, not that women should have more. | ||
| Orca whales, lions, female lions do all the hunting. | ||
| It's not economical for their energy because they're so big to do the hunting. | ||
| They'd have to kill twice as much food. | ||
| They're there for protection. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And fucking and whatever. | ||
| So is there some sort of reptilian attraction to seeing a woman go hunt food, even though it's ironically a lion? | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| Is it like watching a woman cook? | ||
| Watching a woman cook is probably sexy, but is watching them hunt the same thing? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| But maybe it varies. | ||
| I think it's more in line of watching a woman cage fight. | ||
| Like, there's some really pretty women that fight now. | ||
| Because I'm always sort of in this thing, and people always tell me, like, I have alpha vibe, and that's not sexy to men, or it is, or is it case by case, or is it a generalization? | ||
| I'm just always interested in it. | ||
| Well, I think what you are is powerful. | ||
| And that's what's scary to people that are insecure. | ||
| You're a go-getter. | ||
| You're constantly doing things. | ||
| I would imagine that a guy who doesn't test himself or a person who's not accomplished would be very insecure around someone who's got more ambition and more drive and more irons in the fire than they do. | ||
| So they would feel insignificant. | ||
| Which is ironic because my engine is insecurity. | ||
| That is ironic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what fuels the fire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| But if you were secure, would you be as ambitious or would you be exactly the same? | ||
| I don't know if I can even entertain that hypothetical because the idea of being secure is so foreign to me. | ||
| What if someone came out with a security pill? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| And you took that bad boy. | ||
| That's called cocaine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does that work? | |
| They have that. | ||
| See, that's a chatterbox pill. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| That's a let's start a business even though I don't even know you. | ||
| From what I understand it. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Let's start a business! | ||
| Dude, I'm telling you, man, we need to go into business together. | ||
| I've got a good idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've got an amazing idea. | |
| There's a co-op that I'm working with. | ||
| There's a vitamin company. | ||
| There's branding out of China. | ||
| Branding? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've done an amazing job with your brand, Whitney. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you so much. | |
| Your brand's amazing. | ||
| Have you ever heard someone refer to you as your brand? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's such a bizarre way of putting things. | ||
| You know, it's got such a pejorative weird... | ||
| But we're comics, so we have an allergy to anything corny. | ||
| We can say it, but we have to do it with an eye roll. | ||
| You have a very strong brand, but part of your brand is not being the guy who goes, me and my brand. | ||
| Part of my brand is not having a brand. | ||
| Yeah, but you do have one. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| An incredibly strong, clear one that anybody could say in one sentence, but part of it is because you're so authentic and anti- You know, conscientious, calculated marketing that the word is anathema to your brand. | ||
| Well, that's one of the big issues in the quote-unquote hunting community about a lot of these girls that are involved in this hunting. | ||
| You don't know, so I'm going to explain it to you. | ||
| There's this whole movement where these pretty girls have... | ||
| I mean, maybe some of them are... | ||
| I mean, for sure, some of them are authentic. | ||
| I don't want to discredit the ones that are authentic. | ||
| But a lot of them... | ||
| And authentic, and let me just ask you, because I really want to understand, and this is maybe a generalization about men and women, but do you think women have the DNA and the true reward system? | ||
| Are they getting dopamine from, are they inherent hunters? | ||
| The same way women like playing sports, they would love hunting. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The same way people like very challenging and difficult things that offer you a massive reward when you do it. | ||
| But sports is, there's teamwork, which gives us dopamine and adrenaline, you know. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| That do things like make out with other guys when they're not lesbians just to get another guy's attention. | ||
| You mean make up with other girls? | ||
| I'm sorry, what did I say? | ||
| Guys. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Make up with other girls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Make out with other girls. | ||
| Like, are women hunting because they want to or because they feel socially protected? | ||
| I think there's both. | ||
| I mean, I think, obviously, we'd make a massive generalization if we said, women do this because that. | ||
| I hate that shit. | ||
| I hate when people say, the left does this, or the right does that, or men do this. | ||
| It gets goofy. | ||
| I've just never met someone that does it, so I have no reference. | ||
| I know a lot of them. | ||
| Women that do. | ||
| And some of them are unquestionably authentic, but some of them are unquestionably targeting social media and these specific avenues of getting famous and making a living. | ||
| And inside the hunting community, it's a very hotly debated subject about whether or not some of these women are legit, and who is legit, and who's... | ||
| And what if they're not legit? | ||
| Does it matter? | ||
| No, it doesn't matter. | ||
| Why is it different than a girl who's a fitness freak? | ||
| You know, a girl just likes doing squats. | ||
| I mean, we're designed to, if we get attention for something, our brain just keeps doing it. | ||
| There was a Vice thing about that today that I retweeted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| About thirsty pictures. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| Yeah, you mean Instagram? | ||
| Girls with bras on, why do they do that? | ||
| Because they're getting likes. | ||
| Yeah, why do they have their ass hanging out with a thong, with their legs sort of exposed in bed where they're pretending that they're sleeping? | ||
| And why are millions of people looking at them? | ||
| Yeah, because we like it. | ||
| Thirsty. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, what got us attention is what we're going to keep doing. | ||
| Hashtag thirsty. | ||
| Yeah, who is the perpetrator? | ||
| Is it the person doing it or the person enabling it? | ||
| Well, I don't want anybody to stop, because I like looking at those pictures. | ||
| Do you follow that on Instagram? | ||
| I follow a lot of hoes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What does that do for you? | ||
| Not much. | ||
| But I follow a lot of dummies, too. | ||
| Why at 2 p.m. | ||
| do you want to... | ||
| 2 p.m.? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just specifically. | ||
| Right after lunch. | ||
| Yeah, just like buttholes after lunch. | ||
| Well, there's not many buttholes on Instagram. | ||
| Instagram is all... | ||
| It has to be PG-13. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But is that distracting? | ||
| Do you think it's... | ||
| Because I'm fascinated by what we put in our brain and the sort of way it wires our brain. | ||
| Does that just sort of make you exacerbate the obsession with sex? | ||
| Well, let me go over my thing right now. | ||
| Because for me, I follow, I think, more than a thousand people. | ||
| Oh, so this is not curated. | ||
| I follow 1,224 people. | ||
| So, what I try to do with my Instagram feed is have it be a cascade of humanity. | ||
| I follow people who are animal rights activists and vegans. | ||
| You want to know every angle. | ||
| I follow people who are bodybuilders. | ||
| I follow people who are... | ||
| If you looked at, like, when you do the search and the algorithm tries to find out who you are, it's fucking... | ||
| Like in chaos, I don't know what the fuck I am. | ||
| There's flowers and dead deer and guys getting head kicked and muscle cars. | ||
| It looks like I'm a fucking crazy person, which I probably am. | ||
| But what I do is I try to, if you have anything remotely interesting, I just follow you. | ||
| And then I unfollow people all the time too. | ||
| This is interesting about you because this, to me, illustrates an absence of ego. | ||
| Like, you're very like, I'm open to anything. | ||
| I just want to know how everybody thinks. | ||
| And that's so cool. | ||
| Well, I definitely have an ego, but I beat the fuck out of it. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| I mean, maybe it's, you know, you know more than I do, but I find that I get very threatened by things that upset me. | ||
| Like, you just saw that? | ||
| Like, this is gonna, my whole day is gonna be dedicated to, like, obsessing about, you know? | ||
| So I think I'm doing something that's kind of under the guise of self-protection or boundaries, but I actually end up robbing myself a little bit by, like, I went through that discovery page, and there's photos that I don't want to see, because I do a lot of, like, dog rescue, and then you end up getting a lot of, Seeing beheaded dogs, and the Chinese dog, and I don't want to see it. | ||
| I'm too hypervigilant, and I'm just too, like, I have, you know, trauma survivors, we don't have the same ability to calm ourselves down, and so it just will, the aftermath is just too much for me, so I went in, and on the discovery page, you can put, see less photos like this, so I'm now narrowing my sort of... | ||
| This is my new puppy eating broccoli. | ||
| I thought you were going to throw me out. | ||
| Money! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's his name? | |
| That's Marshall. | ||
| Marshall! | ||
| He's a golden retriever. | ||
| He's the sweetest. | ||
| Best security system you will ever have. | ||
| This guy. | ||
| For dogs? | ||
| I mean, for barking? | ||
| Just having dogs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had someone break into my house. | ||
| Is that your first dog? | ||
| No. | ||
| This is like you. | ||
| I have a ton of dogs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I have three now. | ||
| I feel like I know so much about you, but I know nothing about you. | ||
| But I had this guy, this security guy, come to my house and he said the best security system is putting chimes on all of your doorknobs because people that break in, they expect an alarm and then they know they have like three minutes or something. | ||
| But if they open a doorknob and there's some dreamcatcher making a bunch of noise, they freak out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jingle bells. | |
| And then a dog. | ||
| Dogs are good. | ||
| And you've got big dogs, too. | ||
| I have pit bulls, yeah. | ||
| That's a good move, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, they've taught me a lot. | ||
| For me, the thing with me is that I'm not the same functional mental acumen that you have. | ||
| And all the work that I do to try to rewire my brain, it's very hard to practice. | ||
| In the problem, you know, it's very hard to practice, you know, without something where the ramifications aren't going to be huge. | ||
| Like practicing on people is just sort of, you know, if people are so triggering that it's hard to get out of the fight or flight sort of fear mindset if you're with the very kind of person that triggers you. | ||
| So animals are a great way for me to work on the things that I'm working on. | ||
| How do people trigger you? | ||
| Like in what way? | ||
| I have sort of like, just because of how I grew up, I grew up in an alcoholic home. | ||
| And anyone that has like an authority sort of vibe, my brain, and we all, I think, tend to kind of do this if we're not like checking ourselves in our conscious mind. | ||
| We recreate our childhood circumstances. | ||
| So I sometimes... | ||
| I'm just trying to make sure I don't go through my life where everybody's a projection of what happened to me. | ||
| Just sort of being in this moment instead of this network executive is my dad and this, you know, the guy that runs this comedy club is my mom. | ||
| You know, we sort of... | ||
| Our brains go, I know what this is. | ||
| And then we start doing our old behaviors, our, you know, the sort of... | ||
| You know, protection mechanisms that we developed. | ||
| And horses are actually helping me the most with it, but dogs help too. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know, for me, it doesn't really happen anymore, but when I was younger, places and people that I knew when I was a loser would make me feel like I was a loser again. | ||
| Of course, you just time travel back, and all of a sudden you're eight years old. | ||
| I'm still a loser. | ||
| I gotta get away from you! | ||
| I mean, it's just, it's so... | ||
| And I'm working on, you know, I think there's a lot of advantages to being hypersensitive. | ||
| I think that's probably what we're good at, what we do for a living. | ||
| We make observations. | ||
| We have to be sensitive. | ||
| We, comedians, the idea is to see things that no one else sees. | ||
| But I find myself struggling a lot as I, you know, do what I do for a living when I deal with ostensible authority figures, recreating my childhood circumstances. | ||
| And I also had, and I'm interested in your opinion or view on this, is... | ||
| I mean, I have a very real addiction to adrenaline. | ||
| And it doesn't manifest in, you know, MMA or the kind of adrenaline that you experience and see. | ||
| But I had epigenetic imprinting, like, which is when in the womb, your mom has a lot of stress, cortisol and adrenaline, the baby gets addicted to it. | ||
| So just like crack or anything, we can be addicted to neurochemicals. | ||
| So from a very early age, I had a really high tolerance for adrenaline. | ||
| And I find myself or found myself not so much anymore, like, How do they prove that that's what happens to the child? | ||
| Because I would assume that how much of it would just be genetic and how much of it would be circumstantial and how do you prove that while this woman's under stress in the womb because I think you would have to because one thing you realize when you do have children is that every kid is different But every pregnancy is probably different. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| Because the first one, the mom is probably like, I've never done this before. | ||
| The second one, they're like, I got this. | ||
| By the third one, they don't even give a shit. | ||
| They hardly... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You and the MCT. They just drink some MCT and knock it out. | |
| Lube up the box, push it out, just give it a slap. | ||
| Send it on its way. | ||
| Dad of the year, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Hashtag Stop the Pussy. | ||
| I know exactly! | ||
| Yeah, I just, I think that there's most certainly got to be some way that nature prepares the human for the circumstances it's going to face as a child. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Michael Irvin was the first one to explain this to me. | ||
| You know the football player? | ||
| I tried. | ||
| I try to stay away from football players. | ||
| He's a super nice guy. | ||
| I'm joking. | ||
| But he and I were on a flight once, just randomly, to Australia. | ||
| It's one of those crazy 14-hour flights, you know? | ||
| And we talked for a long time about this. | ||
| Because he's a big UFC fan. | ||
| We just started talking about people that grow up in bad neighborhoods and children that grow up in abusive households. | ||
| That you develop this penchant for violence. | ||
| Like very early on. | ||
| Like an addiction to violence. | ||
| And then also he was saying that their trigger is so much... | ||
| Like their wick, their fuse is so much shorter than the average person. | ||
| It's just like you have to be prepared easily. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like... | |
| Right away, you gotta be prepared to go crazy. | ||
| Whereas someone who grows up in a really happy, healthy environment where mom's on Xanax, everybody's fine. | ||
| And then you can't get going. | ||
| So I wonder what's better. | ||
| Is it better to be hypersensitive and hyper-fueled and always ready to sprint and then figure out how to calm yourself? | ||
| Or is it better to be just some dough ball with no instincts at all that has to toughen up? | ||
| I mean, I think that the answer is probably somewhere in between, and the idea is to be able to react to the circumstances you're in in an appropriate way. | ||
| So if you're in a dangerous situation, to be able to go zero to 60 and defend yourself. | ||
| But if you're not in a dangerous situation, to know that and to stop shadowboxing in a safe situation. | ||
| So for me, I found myself, I grew up in a dangerous situation. | ||
| I was always at war. | ||
| The war was over, and I continued to fight a war that wasn't happening. | ||
| You're like one of those guys that was in World War II and they find him on some island outside of Japan and he doesn't know the war's over. | ||
| Just like covered in armor, you know. | ||
| I read about this guy that was on an island. | ||
| He was on an island. | ||
| He didn't know the war was over. | ||
| He's a Japanese guy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He didn't know the war was over for 30 years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He was literally Tom Hanks-ing it on this island. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Maybe 20 years. | ||
| That's unbelievable. | ||
| 30 or 20. I think it was 30. That's how a lot of people that grow up in dysfunctional homes sort of live. | ||
| And I'm done taking it out on employees, employers, boyfriends, friends. | ||
| It's not fair to them. | ||
| You know, one of the first things I heard in the 12-step program I'm in is this guy said, he was leading the meeting, he was like, the war is over, you lost. | ||
| Which is just so great. | ||
| You know, it's like time to put the weapons down and start living. | ||
| It's really just being appropriate. | ||
| So if you and I, you know, are in a relationship and you're like, hey, I got to step out and go do my podcast and I start feeling abandoned and scared, that has nothing to do with you. | ||
| That gets weird. | ||
| It's not fair to you. | ||
| I've had friends like that before. | ||
| Yeah, or relationships or whatever. | ||
| It's like, I'm going to react to the present moment instead of what happened to me 20 years ago. | ||
| I don't want to be a puppet of my parents' failures. | ||
| And I'm just trying to figure out a way. | ||
| So there are situations where you might have to go zero to 60 and fight for yourself, but knowing when those situations are actually happening and when they're not. | ||
| Yeah, I feel like it's better to be able to go zero to 60 really quick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just manage it. | ||
| And I know I can do that. | ||
| But in a conference room with three executives is not the time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| In my mind, it's never the time to be in a conference room with three executives. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| When I'm there, I'm like, okay, let's get out of here. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| This is all fake talk. | ||
| But there's something. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Is it because you're not getting adrenaline? | ||
| I'm scared to ever be them. | ||
| I'm scared to ever be locked into some cubicle existence. | ||
| But you know on a conscious level you never will be. | ||
| I know on a conscious level I'll never be there, but I know they are. | ||
| So is it an irrational fear? | ||
| I'm around people that are dying of syphilis. | ||
| They're right there. | ||
| They're rotting away. | ||
| They've got some Ebola or something. | ||
| They've got some economic Ebola. | ||
| In our field, that's just called a law school degree. | ||
| There was a guy that used to live next door to me, and I used to call him Bling Bling, because all Bling Bling would do is talk about stuff. | ||
| That's all he could ever talk about. | ||
| Like, all this guy would do is talk about objects and new cars and new things and I got a new watch. | ||
| That's threatening to you in some way. | ||
| No, he was retarded. | ||
| It's just boring. | ||
| It's boring. | ||
| So it's a lack of adrenaline. | ||
| Well, I knew that he was trapped. | ||
| And this guy was working, I think he was an attorney, I forget what he did, but all he was doing was working towards objects, getting new objects. | ||
| He had a nice house. | ||
| Stuff. | ||
| He had a nice car, but he always wanted to talk about cars and objects and stuff. | ||
| Sounds like he's in a lot of pain. | ||
| Well, you left his wife and then shit got real crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was trying to get internal needs met with external things. | ||
| He was also probably trying to bond with you and he thought that was how. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| That probably makes sense. | ||
| He was probably just like, cars? | ||
| Hit a yellow viper. | ||
| Like me, like me, like me. | ||
| Oh, that is depressing. | ||
| Is he Persian? | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who is this man? | |
| I think he's Jewish. | ||
| Is he single? | ||
| He sounds awesome. | ||
| Yeah, he's a good guy. | ||
| He's got a gut, but whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You work that off. | |
| He's a fixer-upper. | ||
| Yeah, I'll give him this Zevia. | ||
| Get him on some Fen-Fen. | ||
| I have some leftover from the 90s. | ||
| I'm just going to give him some of that MCT oil and he'll shit his belly out. | ||
| Do you remember Fen-Fen? | ||
| Were you around during the Fen-Fen days? | ||
| What's Fen-Fen? | ||
| Fen-Fen was some crazy shit that they were giving girls in the 1990s. | ||
| There was this one girl that I knew, and she was a very cute girl. | ||
| She had a beautiful face, but she had a food problem, you know, whatever the area is. | ||
| And she didn't weigh a lot. | ||
| I mean, she wasn't giant, but she was probably 5'2", 150 pounds. | ||
| I'm not a mathlete, but I think I know where you're going. | ||
| Yeah, she was thick, but not in the right way. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| Not in the right way. | ||
| Disapportionate. | ||
| She ate too much. | ||
| Got it. | ||
| She had a thick, wide belt. | ||
| Anyway, I didn't see her for a long time, and then I saw her, and she weighed 100 pounds. | ||
| I mean, literally. | ||
| She lost 50 pounds. | ||
| She was normal-sized. | ||
| I mean, not normal-sized. | ||
| Well, in America, that's not normal. | ||
| She was thin and attractive. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck did you do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And she's like, oh, my doctor got me on fen-fen. | ||
| And I was like, oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Phenylethyl? | |
| I do not remember what the actual name of the... | ||
| Because phenylethylamine is an adrenaline chemical. | ||
| Is it like an Adderall? | ||
| It's totally illegal now. | ||
| And people died. | ||
| A lot of people died. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Oh, F-E-N, not P-H-E-N. Fenfluramine, fentermine. | ||
| I remember when like diet pills, like Dexatrim came out, which I definitely took when I was like 12. But what is that, just like caffeine or something? | ||
| No, this is way harder than caffeine. | ||
| Go to lasting damage from fenfen. | ||
| By the way, this is... | ||
| There's a lot of people that are on Adderall now. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And I'm not telling anybody to not be on Adderall, but I want you to listen to me. | ||
| Everybody who's on Adderall, everybody who's doctor told you you need to be on Adderall, you are on amphetamines. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You are on speed. | ||
| Do not get it twisted. | ||
| Don't get it twisted. | ||
| And, you know, if you're taking, especially if you're taking it every day or three or four times a week. | ||
| Then you're just going to develop a tolerance to it and then that just becomes an addiction. | ||
| You're on speed, folks. | ||
| And you might be okay with speed. | ||
| Look, you're talking to a guy who just squirted a bunch of MCT oil and some coffee. | ||
| That's naturally occurring. | ||
| I mean, look, I have addiction in my DNA. If you know you don't, I mean, I would just explore that. | ||
| And also, I'm trying to look at not the things I can add, but the things I can subtract. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| So instead of taking Adderall, why don't I just stop eating sugar and see what happens? | ||
| Maybe there's some beneficial aspects of Adderall to some people. | ||
| I'm willing to go there. | ||
| But you've got to understand, I know so many moms that are on fucking Adderall. | ||
| That's shocking. | ||
| There's so many of them. | ||
| And they're around you and they're all like peppy. | ||
| Well, it's so fascinating to me because the people I know who take the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, can't stop moving. | |
| No, but everyone I know is complaining about anxiety, which I'm sort of fascinated by because I think that's kind of like... | ||
| You know, survival of the fittest. | ||
| We are the fittest. | ||
| And the most anxious won. | ||
| Because the most anxious people and tribes were the ones that survived because they knew lions were, you know. | ||
| I had to explain that to my daughter because my daughter was worried about some things. | ||
| And she was asking me some questions and she was worried about stuff. | ||
| And I said, do you know why you're worried about these things? | ||
| And I go, it's a good thing. | ||
| It's because you're smart and you're aware of danger and you're aware of the variables. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I go, you're going to be fine. | ||
| I go, but I'm like that too. | ||
| But I've just figured out how to manage it. | ||
| So I had to kind of explain it to her. | ||
| I'm like, you're just a smart little girl. | ||
| And you're aware, like, hey, there's a lot of fucking idiots out here. | ||
| And some of them are on there. | ||
| Like, she freaks out when she sees people texting and driving. | ||
| She's like, Dad, he's not looking at his car. | ||
| It kills more people than drunk driving now. | ||
| She's right to be, you know. | ||
| It's just being anxious about that instead of something you can't control. | ||
| Well, then the little brain starts going, you know, she's eight. | ||
| How do you stop people from doing that? | ||
| What if they do that and what if they hit our car? | ||
| What if they hit somebody else's car and what happens then? | ||
| Her and I are the same person. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, you know, that makes adrenaline, which makes dopamine, and, you know, it sort of becomes a self-filling prophecy. | ||
| Our brains evolved to make anxiety feel good on some level, and it makes us feel safe. | ||
| So a lot of these crazy women that are the moms that she goes to school with, or her kids go to school with, Her friends, rather. | ||
| Their moms. | ||
| They're on fucking Xanax, too. | ||
| So they're on Xanax and they're on amphetamines. | ||
| So delete both and you're at the same place. | ||
| But they want to stay... | ||
| This is the way to do it. | ||
| This is the way. | ||
| Stay happy. | ||
| You have to be on Xanax. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because Xanax keeps you from being scared. | |
| And then Adderall keeps you peppy. | ||
| I get everything organized. | ||
| I'm so organized. | ||
| If you can afford, time-wise and financially, to go to the appointment to get Xanax and Adderall, you have no actual problems. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| See, the thing is, they all want to go to doctors. | ||
| They go to doctors constantly. | ||
| Because you get this idea in your head that you're going to find this guy, and he's got a good job, and you're going to live in a nice community, and you're going to have children, and then you're going to be happy. | ||
| Sounds like my nightmare. | ||
| You realize, like, oh, well, you're just breeding. | ||
| And then, you know, you have to find fulfillment in your actual existence. | ||
| Your day-to-day, here and now. | ||
| The moment, like this, the moment. | ||
| Like, right now. | ||
| You have to find fulfillment in that. | ||
| And it's not going to be in, like, Bling Bling's idea, where you get, like, I've got a boat now. | ||
| Look at my boat. | ||
| Now I've got a fucking this. | ||
| And I've got, look at my new watch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Doesn't work. | ||
| No, it doesn't work. | ||
| And you keep trying to fill that hole up, and it never gets filled. | ||
| No. | ||
| So these women start going to the doctor. | ||
| I've got anxiety. | ||
| And the doctor's like... | ||
| Here, take this. | ||
| Anxiety is like opposable thumbs. | ||
| It's been very effective and useful in our history. | ||
| It's like this is the first time in our history that anxiety is not particularly useful because we have doors and locks and, you know, but yeah, there's an interesting... | ||
| I hear entitlement when I hear about that. | ||
| And look, I've definitely been like, I'm doing a show and I have to write a script and I'm going to take an... | ||
| I've definitely cheated and cut corners. | ||
| I'm not... | ||
| How's that, cheat and cut corners? | ||
| I just mean when I'm like... | ||
| I have to finish a script in four hours. | ||
| I'm gonna take a half at Adderall. | ||
| I've definitely done it, but I know I have addiction in my DNA, and I know that could get real ugly real fast. | ||
| I've never done Adderall. | ||
| What is it like? | ||
| Here's my experience. | ||
| I'm sure it's different with everybody. | ||
| My experience with Adderall is what I'm... | ||
| I'm not easily distracted. | ||
| I don't like when people diagnose themselves, I have ADD, I have OCD. It's like, if you had any of those things, you wouldn't be able to sit on a podcast for an hour and say it. | ||
| We'll get to that in a minute, but go ahead. | ||
| No, what it does for me, and again, it could be a placebo effect. | ||
| So many of these things that we take, maybe with the exception of amphetamines, but certainly antidepressants and stuff, is taking it is part of why it works. | ||
| Just the act of putting it in your mouth and swallowing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I think placebo effect is something like 58% or something. | ||
| Correct me on that because I'm probably wrong, please. | ||
| So for me, I find if I'm at my computer, because all these devices are all addictive too. | ||
| The color, the cortisol, the adrenaline. | ||
| So if I've got this device in front of me, I've got my computer and I'm writing, writing, writing, and this dings and I'm here and then I'm on Instagram and then there's a link and then all of a sudden I'm reading about the apocalypse. | ||
| Apocalypse. | ||
| Better check my email. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It might be important. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| And then I'm in a fucking email thing with it's totally a net. | ||
| Ha ha. | ||
| Love you too. | ||
| See you soon. | ||
| See you soon. | ||
| And then I just can't end of an exchange. | ||
| And basically, when I've taken Adderall in the past, I just do one thing with more enthusiasm and it is less appealing to me to go do other things. | ||
| The other day I put my phone down to work out. | ||
| It worked out for an hour and a half. | ||
| I got done. | ||
| I had 37 texts. | ||
| It's too many. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But they were probably all from me and Nick Swartzen. | |
| And Chris D'Elia. | ||
| There's one thread that Whitney and Nick Swartzen and Chris D'Elia, and we can't talk too much about this, but there's one thread. | ||
| You realize that we also have our own thread without you when we worry we're bothering you too much? | ||
| Why are you bothering me? | ||
| So that's not even all of our exchanges all day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why are you bothering me? | |
| Well, because you'll respond, but then you won't respond for like two days. | ||
| Oh, you're like, oh, he's too busy. | ||
| And we're like, Joe's an adult. | ||
| He has a family. | ||
| If his wife sees that he has 40 missed texts at midnight, this is bad for his marriage. | ||
| She does ask me. | ||
| I'm sure she does! | ||
| Sometimes we're watching TV and she's like, who's texting you? | ||
| I'm a comedian! | ||
| But it's like, why did Whitney just send you 40 texts? | ||
| Well, she also sent it to two other guys. | ||
| She's ruining everyone's relationship. | ||
| It's not a jealousy issue, but it is a... | ||
| It's like, we're a family. | ||
| This is family time. | ||
| She's not wrong. | ||
| She's not wrong. | ||
| And she also... | ||
| There's something interesting about sort of being on your phone with kids is the new being drunk on your phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Because kids look at you and they think, oh, that device is more important than me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| I must be a real piece of shit if daddy would rather look at that or mommy or whatever. | ||
| Yeah, there's an interesting that like cell phone uses the new alcoholism. | ||
| My little kid got a hold of Snapchat recently. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| She's been doing these Snapchat videos. | ||
| They're fucking hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's a star. | |
| My six-year-old is hilarious. | ||
| She uses the filters so you don't see it's her, but she was Abraham Lincoln yesterday and then she became an evil snowball. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| She's a little fucking character. | ||
| But she doesn't post them? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| She just leaves them on my phone and sometimes I put them up on Instagram because they're so ridiculous. | ||
| That's so cute. | ||
| Yesterday I started doing it. | ||
| I mean, that's a slippery slope. | ||
| It's a slippery slope because they get addicted to those little things. | ||
| Yeah, and it all makes, you know, adrenaline. | ||
| So going back to what you were saying, I don't think you're cheating because you take a half an Adderall to work on a script. | ||
| It's no different than me drinking coffee or smoking pot. | ||
| I smoke a lot of pot. | ||
| So if I smoke pot and write, did I cheat to write? | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| I think it's just knowing, I mean, you said this earlier, like, knowing who you are and what your limitations are and what actually works for you and what starts being, you know, diminishing returns. | ||
| Like, I know if I smoke pot every night, it's not going to be as effective for me and I'm going to be groggy. | ||
| Like, I just, I have some restraint about it and some discipline. | ||
| Not on New Year's Eve. | ||
| That was different. | ||
| She sent me a picture from New Year's Eve where she looks, you look like someone sprayed you with a mist of sweat. | ||
| I was literally... | ||
| So I had a... | ||
| And I'll tell you about this next time I come on, because I am writing about it in a book, and it's a long story. | ||
| But I had a surgery, and I don't do well on painkillers by some miracle, because genetically, my family loves painkillers, but I, for some reason, they make me really nauseous. | ||
| So... | ||
| And I was smoking weed instead, but I was also, like, I don't know what your take on this is, but my lungs were, I was like, getting out of breath. | ||
| And I was like, let me just do these edible things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, because I was just like, I was in like a spin class or something, which sometimes I do just for like anger management. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And... | |
| I picture you fucking gritting your teeth. | ||
| Cracking your enamel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like just going, just slamming my vagina against... | |
| In between recessions. | ||
| I do like being, yeah, just totally, like, it's really hard on the lady bits that's spinning. | ||
| I can't do it too much. | ||
| I heard it's rough, right? | ||
| Yeah, they slam it back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a hard seat. | |
| It's a hard seat, and you're slamming and tapping it back, but there is this one class that I really like, and I like the instructor, and I just kind of cry and release anger and stuff, and it's painful, and I'm... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You cry? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Once you're sweaty, like, I can get away with a cry here? | ||
| Usually, it's like, it's... | ||
| Yes, because there's something about, for me, when I feel a certain amount of emotional pain, it just, like, opens up some kind of... | ||
| Well of sadness that if I didn't cry it out, it's going to come out as anger another time, so I'd rather just release it in a healthy, private way and pay $38 in class. | ||
| It's $38 a class? | ||
| Yeah, I think SoulCycle's like $38. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| If you do it one at a time. | ||
| I do it in a package, so it's less. | ||
| That seems super expensive to ride a bike. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's a bunch of rich publicists. | ||
| Pretending they have a problem. | ||
| I was in Aspen, and it was during the winter, and they opened up a SoulCycle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was just in Aspen. | |
| Crazy. | ||
| Yes, we're like soulmates. | ||
| I love it up there. | ||
| I was at the, not Throckmorton Theater. | ||
| The Little Nell. | ||
| Yeah, that's where I stayed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's where I stayed. | |
| I was there two nights ago. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| They have a festival there again now. | ||
| Oh, do they? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A comedy festival? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Yeah, it was me and Nealon and Margaret. | ||
| When did they start doing that again? | ||
| I think this is the first year. | ||
| It was, what's the theater? | ||
| The Wheeler. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I used to do it. | |
| The Wheeler Opera House. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I used to do it. | |
| Yeah, I used to do it. | ||
| Two nights ago. | ||
| I used to do that. | ||
| I was sick the entire time. | ||
| It's hard with that oxygen up there. | ||
| It's like 8,000 feet above sea level or 7,000 feet. | ||
| It can't be healthy. | ||
| Well, I think it is eventually, but not originally. | ||
| Not initially. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But what was my point? | ||
| You were in Aspen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And we... | ||
| SoulCycle! | ||
| SoulCycle! | ||
| You were spinning to not spin in Aspen. | ||
| I didn't spin. | ||
| The best shape I've ever been in was when I was in Aspen for like a week and I worked out every day. | ||
| Oh, yeah, for sure. | ||
| Well, that's why fighters go up to Big Bear. | ||
| And train, right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And like Steamboat Springs, maybe, or Utah. | ||
| Anywhere it's above. | ||
| In Colorado, they all do it. | ||
| Denver, there's a Team Elevate that competes up there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Is it twice as much? | ||
| Like if you work out 20 minutes, does that equal the 40 minutes? | ||
| It's not that it equals. | ||
| Honestly, the way they think you're supposed to do it now, they think you're supposed to actually train at sea level and then sleep and live at altitude. | ||
| So if you could live at the base of Big Bear and then drive up to Big Bear to get your workouts in and then drive down to live and sleep. | ||
| Because the idea is, or the opposite, yeah, drive down to get your workouts and drive back up to live and sleep. | ||
| Because they think that you get more work output in sea level. | ||
| Because you're not going to tire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| But then your body recovers and you acclimate to having a higher threshold. | ||
| You develop more red blood cells, the whole deal. | ||
| But anyway, they had spin classes up there, SoulCycle, and they only opened it up for like a month. | ||
| They just rented a place for a month for SoulCycle during peak ski season. | ||
| Oh, like a, what is it called? | ||
| When a store just opens for a month, like a pop-up. | ||
| Like, you know how they do those Halloween stores when a place closes down? | ||
| Yes, yes. | ||
| Yeah, or like a Christmas store. | ||
| They just brought in a bunch of fucking cycles and set up a soul cycle. | ||
| I mean, they might have been doing it to test the waters. | ||
| Because Aspen has so much fucking money. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| Every other car is a Range Rover. | ||
| I was shocked. | ||
| It's really just rich alcoholics. | ||
| It is a lot of rich boozers. | ||
| It was just like people in minks drinking Makers at 2 p.m. | ||
| I was shocked because my flight got canceled and I had to stay for the day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If I was a high-end hooker, that's where I would go. | |
| When I am a high-end hooker, that's where I'm going. | ||
| SoulCycle Aspen's pop-up. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Let's you spin in 8,000 feet. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| They call it a pop-up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what it is? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know your take on spinning. | ||
| My chiropractor says he is going to retire on the money that he gets from spinning injuries. | ||
| He's literally like, people doing yoga and spinning is how I pay my bills. | ||
| Well, a lot of people do it improperly and mess up their shoulders real bad and their lower backs. | ||
| Doing all those downward dogs. | ||
| If you mess up your shoulders from yoga, jump off a fucking building. | ||
| Seriously, you pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know that I broke my shoulder. | |
| That's what takes you out. | ||
| How'd you break your shoulder? | ||
| Not playing. | ||
| Downward dog. | ||
| Trying to snowboard. | ||
| Yeah, doing yoga. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God damn it. | |
| Well, snowboarding makes sense. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| It's more like people Want to do yoga for exercise like these type a people want yoga to burn 9,000 calories and get them like a huge ass But that's not really what yoga is designed to do so these new yoga classes that are like acro yoga yoga, hot, intense, and you're too loose and you're trying to do things that you have no business to. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of push-ups and weird positions where you're on one shoulder. | ||
| Yeah, I don't do that kind of yoga. | ||
| And unless you're doing it perfectly, you're going to injure yourself. | ||
| Unless you have a one-on-one instructor, you're going to injure yourself. | ||
| I do Bikram's hot yoga. | ||
| Just to stretch. | ||
| I do it for my stretching, flexibility, my spine in particular. | ||
| Spine strengthening. | ||
| But you don't go to yoga to get glutes. | ||
| No. | ||
| You do it to stretch. | ||
| I think you've got to balance even that. | ||
| Pick a lane. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You don't get both. | |
| I think you've got to be real careful with those combinatory type movements. | ||
| Yeah, so for me, spinning is really just to get out anger and push myself. | ||
| Even CrossFit. | ||
| I think CrossFit can be very dangerous because there's a lot of people that do CrossFit and they don't really have perfect technique and they do it to failure and you're doing these incredibly high repetitions of power moves. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, like, which Steve Maxwell, who's a real world-famous strength and conditioning coach, he's like, that's, he's like power moves, like cleans and presses. | ||
| You're supposed to do low repetition for them. | ||
| They're supposed to generate extreme force. | ||
| Even lower. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pavel Tatsulin, who's like the godfather of kettlebells in America, he brought him over from Russia, he believes you shouldn't do anything more than five repetitions, no matter what you do. | ||
| So what is this? | ||
| Is this because CrossFit attracts such a type A, overachiever type of person, that the desire for overachieving supersedes the logic of what actually is effective? | ||
| Well, there's a philosophy behind it, and I think that philosophy can be effective for some people. | ||
| And I'm very hypocritical if I say don't do something that causes injuries because I've had a ton of surgeries from martial arts and injuries from jujitsu. | ||
| But was it like a collision injury or was it just an overtime stress? | ||
| Injuries from knees getting yanked and twisted, shoulders getting popped out of sockets. | ||
| But you didn't get it from working out. | ||
| Well, I got it from sparring. | ||
| Yeah, but being in action. | ||
| Yeah, in action. | ||
| I just feel like it's crazy. | ||
| I mean, not crazy. | ||
| I'm not an athlete, but to get injured while you're practicing. | ||
| While you're in the thing, you can't necessarily control that. | ||
| CrossFit competitions are particularly scary to me because there was one video of this guy who owned a CrossFit gym and he was involved in a competition and he was doing these clean presses and his body literally gave out and he dropped the weight on the back of his neck and now he's paralyzed from the rest of his life. | ||
| And there's a video of it and it's horrific to watch. | ||
| Someone sent me one where someone's anal sphincter came out. | ||
| I saw that one. | ||
| He was lifting weights. | ||
| Is this your hobby? | ||
| Is there not... | ||
| Well, he set some goals, and he really wanted to achieve them, and that goal is to blow his asshole out like an old sock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do you come back from that? | |
| Stitches, painkillers, time. | ||
| Probably steroids. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| He's allowed to take Adderall. | ||
| We rescind our judgment around that. | ||
| Yeah, he should take everything. | ||
| Yeah, he's allowed to take Xanax. | ||
| I mean, our country is so over-medicated, it's terrifying. | ||
| It is terrifying. | ||
| It is terrifying. | ||
| Well, you really see it, like I said, in these housewife communities, or sleepy, what do they call them, bedroom communities. | ||
| Where I go is where white people go to breed, and that's where I live. | ||
| Or raise their offspring. | ||
| Yeah, they raise their kids out there, and there's a lot of these people that just become medicated. | ||
| Men and women. | ||
| I mean, I talk to the women more than I talk to the men, but I know a lot of men that are medicated. | ||
| They're on Adderall and shit. | ||
| The late, great Robert Schimmel, who's a buddy of mine. | ||
| Love that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The greatest. | |
| He accidentally took an Adderall once. | ||
| He told me about it. | ||
| I already love it. | ||
| He told me, I forget whose it was, but he grabbed a pill and he thought, you know, he had a heart condition. | ||
| Oh, before the cancer? | ||
| Yeah, he had a bunch of different issues, and cancer, and I forget what the medication he thought it was, but he realized after taking it wasn't his, and then it was an Adderall, and he's like, oh, fuck. | ||
| So he called his doctor up, and he told his doctor, hey man, I fucked up, I thought it was this, but it's Adderall, like what... | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| Go clean your house. | ||
| And the doctor said, you're going to be fine. | ||
| He goes, you're going to be fine. | ||
| It's going to take about X amount of hours to wear off. | ||
| But don't worry. | ||
| With that dose and your body and your body weight, you're going to be fine. | ||
| So don't worry about it. | ||
| And he said, I went over all my notes. | ||
| He said, I started organizing all of my comedy notes. | ||
| And he goes, I got so much work done. | ||
| Work done. | ||
| It's unbelievable how prolific you are, but it starts to backfire. | ||
| So I remember when I was like, this is working, I kept doing it, and then the aftermath was like, I couldn't fall asleep that night, and then I was even more tired the next day, which meant I needed to take more. | ||
| It just becomes an addiction, and it stops being that effective if you overuse it. | ||
| Tate Fletcher put something on his Instagram today about the strongest cup of coffee in the world, and it's from Australia. | ||
| They made this cup of coffee that you're supposed to sip over the course of three to four hours, and it is half a lethal dose. | ||
| Like Four Loko or something? | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah, Four Loko, though, was like... | ||
| I have taken out it all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here it is. | |
| The strongest coffee. | ||
| Look at what it says there. | ||
| The world's strongest cup of coffee is outrageously caffeinated. | ||
| It contains 80 times the amount of caffeine in a single cup. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Upsetting. | |
| It's called the Ass Kicker Coffee. | ||
| It's sold at the Vicious Cafe in Australia. | ||
| So what's in it? | ||
| It has four shots of espresso, eight ice cubes of cold brew, and a half a cup of 10-day-old cold brew. | ||
| That adds up to half the amount of caffeine needed for a lethal dose. | ||
| Steve Bennington created the drink for a nurse completing a night shift. | ||
| I don't want my nurse to be so tired. | ||
| It's meant to be sipped over three to four hours, and it took the nurse two days to finish the drink. | ||
| She stayed up for three days after she drank it. | ||
| She was seeing rabbits or fucking running around in pajamas in her house. | ||
| She's just anesthetizing everyone. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, look, it's my goal because I, by the time I was like 28 or 20, well, maybe it was, I noticed it when I was 31 because I froze my eggs when I was 31. And this is maybe when I noticed it, that at 31, I was on five medications. | ||
| Why you froze your eggs? | ||
| Because when I froze my eggs, they put you on a thyroid medication for some reason. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| And I was on, I think, two antidepressants. | ||
| Birth control, of course, which makes me very crazy. | ||
| They had given me Adderall for when I needed it. | ||
| I had Lunesta to sleep, and I just was like... | ||
| I have more medications than someone in a nursing home. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| And for thousands of years, we've survived without all of these pills. | ||
| This can't be right. | ||
| And I just noticed this, and I don't know if it's what I do, but just this dismissive instead of, hey, learn to meditate or whatever. | ||
| Someone was like, here's a sleeping pill. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I found myself like restless, irritable and discontent and not actually getting quality sleep. | ||
| And I'm on antidepressant. | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| I felt like a shell of a person, you know. | ||
| And so that's when I sort of started looking into all these medications. | ||
| And then, of course, I was on coffee and, you know, all this other stuff. | ||
| So my body chemistry was just bananas. | ||
| And I think that a lot of people, you know, I personally would like to sort of get to the root of it or get ahead of my pain. | ||
| So I'm not that housewife in 20 years who's just taking Xanax because I've got pain or can't deal with it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Discomfort or anxiety like an adult. | ||
| Do you think you have pickled eggs? | ||
| Those eggs? | ||
| My eggs are by the beach in Redondo. | ||
| They are doing just fine. | ||
| They're frozen somewhere, right? | ||
| Yeah, they're frozen somewhere. | ||
| Do you have like a locker? | ||
| Do you go visit them? | ||
| I don't. | ||
| I'm a deadbeat mom. | ||
| I'm a terrible mother. | ||
| I'd never go see them. | ||
| I wouldn't trust that they were organized enough to make sure it's your eggs. | ||
| If you don't think that is the main nightmare that I have... | ||
| You are crazy. | ||
| Why are my kids Chinese? | ||
| I would love for that to happen, actually. | ||
| But yeah, I worry about that constantly. | ||
| I mean, with the Oscar mix-up last night. | ||
| I heard about that. | ||
| I didn't see it, but I heard about it. | ||
| I mean, what if they mix up my eggs? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| They said someone won and then it turned out to be someone else? | ||
| I didn't even see it. | ||
| Basically, Warren Beatty, they gave him an envelope. | ||
| Bless his heart. | ||
| I can't, and I'm so hard. | ||
| Can you not read anymore? | ||
| No, they gave him the wrong envelope. | ||
| Warren Beatty has done nothing except be a classy legend. | ||
| So is this like the Steve Harvey thing? | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| The same thing? | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| All the memes are comparing them, basically. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| Like, you know, Warren Beatty's a new Steve Harvey. | ||
| Or Warren Beatty's a brilliant legend and Steve Harvey is a silly talk show host. | ||
| But yeah, he got the envelope for best actress and he just saw La La Land and said best... | ||
| And the entire cast of La La Land went up on stage. | ||
| And then they had to go, oh, actually, it's Moonlight. | ||
| And then one of the producers of La La Land was a total class acting gentleman and was like, Moonlight won. | ||
| And then Moonlight had to come up. | ||
| It was madness. | ||
| It was like the Super Bowl stress level. | ||
| I fucking hate those contests. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I don't have a dog in the game. | ||
| What's the expression? | ||
| Dog in the fight. | ||
| Dog in the fight. | ||
| I don't have a dog in the fight, but I hate those. | ||
| I hate award shows for art. | ||
| They seem so pretentious. | ||
| Have you not already won? | ||
| You've all won. | ||
| You have millions of dollars. | ||
| You're movie stars. | ||
| Well, I think for me, especially with the political climate when people go up and make political speeches, it's like, okay, how much did you donate this year? | ||
| Like, what do you really do? | ||
| Like, you know, just making all these speeches and talking the talk. | ||
| I hope everyone's also walking the walk and, you know, authentic that way. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's so loaded. | ||
| There's something anesthetic about it for people, I think. | ||
| There's, look at the silly monkey, like the diversion of dresses and necklaces and makeup and actresses. | ||
| You know, I think humans, we have probably an inherent need for that sort of diversion, that sort of vapid... | ||
| Let's talk about dresses instead of what's really going on. | ||
| And there's always a ribbon du jour that you're supposed to wear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| What was the ribbon they had to wear last night? | ||
| It wasn't a blue ribbon. | ||
| What was it for? | ||
| What's the blue ribbon for? | ||
| ACLU. ACLU? I thought it was for the iceberg that was breaking off. | ||
| I was like, maybe they're worried about that giant iceberg the size of Manhattan that's about to fucking... | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| It's just there's so many, you know, and I just get frustrated sometimes. | ||
| I mean, your listeners are not the ones because your listeners seem to all be seekers of... | ||
| Oh, who the fuck knows? | ||
| It's like saying all girls or all boys. | ||
| You know, my listeners are... | ||
| There's a bunch of knuckleheads out there as well as smart people. | ||
| Anyone that listens to you is smart, I think, or at least aspires to be. | ||
| There's a guy right now going, what? | ||
| I believe in you guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| She doesn't know me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck this bitch. | |
| Fuck this cunt. | ||
| Where's Kendall Jones who runs lions in thongs? | ||
| Yeah, this should be lion hunting porn. | ||
| You shoot a lion and you fuck right on top of his body. | ||
| I feel like that would do well to someone very desensitized. | ||
| I mean, that's what it's coming to, I guess, these days. | ||
| Hashtag Reddit. | ||
| But yeah, I'm sure humans have a need to just sort of disassociate with pictures of dresses. | ||
| Yeah, I think there's definitely some of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's definitely the pageantry. | ||
| People love when people dress up in all their best and they walk the red carpet. | ||
| People also love watching people lose. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trying to keep it together. | |
| Look at that fake cloud. | ||
| Yeah, look. | ||
| Oh, she's not even happy for her. | ||
| It's like, well, what? | ||
| No matter what she does, you're going to project your shit onto this. | ||
| You know what I do? | ||
| I do secretly, not so secretly enjoy. | ||
| What? | ||
| I do enjoy watching people as they get older who are clearly fucking crazy keep it together less and less. | ||
| Nicole Kidman was clapping like the Grinch last night. | ||
| Like that lobster. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| She was clapping like the Grinch. | ||
| I mean, I don't know what that is. | ||
| I don't clap a lot because we're comics. | ||
| We don't go to shows. | ||
| I don't even- I clap. | ||
| How do you clap? | ||
| Well, you have to clap if you have a daughter that's in a play. | ||
| Oh, constantly. | ||
| But aren't you all just filming the whole time? | ||
| No. | ||
| I clap. | ||
| My wife films. | ||
| I clap. | ||
| I'm not a good clapper either. | ||
| I do it after sex. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good job. | |
| Good job. | ||
| Yay. | ||
| Found it out. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at her. | |
| No, wait. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| She also has... | ||
| She's comically willowy. | ||
| I mean, she does... | ||
| Are her nails wet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| There's something crazy going on. | ||
| It's like carpal tunnel. | ||
| She's pulling her hands way back, too. | ||
| She's doing too much Bikram. | ||
| That's not good for your joints. | ||
| I am hypermobile. | ||
| Do you know about hypermobility? | ||
| This is a thing. | ||
| So it's a lot of Western European trash genetics that we use our joints instead of our muscles when we move and walk and do things. | ||
| And I got this thing called costcochondritis. | ||
| I hope I'm pronouncing that right. | ||
| It's basically when your cartilage inflames and it was in my chest. | ||
| It's like a relative of plural C, basically. | ||
| And I did have pneumonia and didn't treat it, but I had so much stress in my back that the cartilage or my ribs started rubbing, I guess, against each other. | ||
| What? | ||
| And I went to this rheumatologist who was like, oh, you're hypermobile, which means you don't walk with your muscles, you walk with your joints. | ||
| That's where all of the impact goes, and you need to relearn how to walk. | ||
| So you need to cushion yourself with your muscles? | ||
| You're not using... | ||
| Decelerate with your muscles? | ||
| Yeah, you're basically... | ||
| I walked just like a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Monster? | |
| Like a zombie? | ||
| You're a zombie. | ||
| I walked like a monster. | ||
| I'm like one of the zombies in the beginning of the thriller video. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Yeah, like everything's all wonky? | ||
| And I was like, so that's where all, and that's how, he's like, that's why people when they're 55 have non-collision injuries. | ||
| That's why you hear about people who like sneeze and throw their back out. | ||
| It's just there's so much impact over so much amount of time. | ||
| I had to go to a Pilates instructor who specializes in this, and I was just like, had to hold a rubber band and like walk. | ||
| Like, it was so boring that I just stopped going. | ||
| This podcast is going to be really fun to listen to dumb people's interpretations when they remember everything poorly. | ||
| Kendall Jenner killed a lion and she can't walk right. | ||
| She clapped a lion to death. | ||
| Dude, she's definitely on Adderall. | ||
| I remember. | ||
| I would like to hear the recap of this podcast. | ||
| She clapped a lion to death. | ||
| There's something about the Botox in her face. | ||
| It reached its way to her fingertips and she couldn't clap anymore. | ||
| She was shitting out so much MCT oil that she actually couldn't even clap. | ||
| There is something going on with Nicole Kidman's face too. | ||
| She's definitely shooting some stuff in her face. | ||
| She's got some weird sort of frozen appearance thing going on. | ||
| It's weird to me because people accuse me of having work done. | ||
| And do you see in my forehead I have wrinkles? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that's sort of how you know. | ||
| If someone has wrinkles there, they haven't had Botox. | ||
| But when people say I had work done, I just try to take it as a compliment. | ||
| Well, they just assume. | ||
| Everybody gets work done. | ||
| That's just an assumption thing, right? | ||
| Here's what a doctor said to me, because I said to a doctor... | ||
| I had really bad under-eye bags when I was doing a TV show. | ||
| Like, bad. | ||
| Like, I looked like Steve Buscemi. | ||
| Because you just weren't sleeping? | ||
| I wasn't sleeping, and I was not eating well, I wasn't hydrated, and it was too much salt. | ||
| And genetically, again, my genetics are a disaster, and my mom, everybody has it. | ||
| It's fat. | ||
| I mean, it's not really something. | ||
| Ice, sleep, nothing helped. | ||
| So I went to a bunch of doctors and their solution is they were like well, we can put filler They called it that one guy called it a pillar like we build a pillar to fill it in and I was like no I'm a comedian I can't just get a new face like I I can't do the Joan Rivers thing like it's just not the carrot top or whatever and and basically He explained to me, I was like, I can't have bad work. | ||
| I can't, like, this is not good. | ||
| Work is so obvious. | ||
| And he said something interesting, what you just said. | ||
| He was like, you only notice the bad work. | ||
| He was like, everybody gets it done, but the good work you don't notice. | ||
| Don't say everybody. | ||
| Well, I mean, that's sort of what he, yeah, totally, which he was probably just manipulating me, but I didn't end up doing it. | ||
| Everybody puts it in their ass. | ||
| But this is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
They still talk about it. | |
| Literally, I know, I'm talking like a rapist trying to control someone. | ||
| But he explained to me because I was like, everybody just kind of looks like swollen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They look like they've been punched in the cheek. | ||
| But that's what happens when you get filler. | ||
| You have to build everything out. | ||
| It becomes whack-a-mole. | ||
| If you do this, you got to do this. | ||
| If you do this, you got to, you know. | ||
| So once you start, there's no going back. | ||
| And I'm actually noticing it in men a little bit, too. | ||
| Ooh, that's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's gay. | ||
| But why is that like the, you know, I feel like HGH is like the male version of Botox. | ||
| You know, guys do like that sort of thing. | ||
| Yeah, but HGH is just something that puts your body's hormones to the same level it was when you were younger. | ||
| It's not like filling your face. | ||
| But you get cut, you know? | ||
| Yeah, your metabolism increases. | ||
| Women are valued by this, men are sort of valued by their brute, right? | ||
| Yeah, so when a guy starts Botoxing his face, like, I've met guys before and their forehead doesn't move, I'm like, what's going on with your forehead, bro? | ||
| That's how you know. | ||
| Yeah, so you have wrinkles, I have wrinkles. | ||
| It gets shiny. | ||
| Well, I'm shiny! | ||
| Yeah, but it gets a weird shiny. | ||
| But you know what else that is? | ||
| Like, it's dead. | ||
| Like, it's just a MCT-covered wax figure. | ||
| It just looks weird, like it's pulled and... | ||
| Yeah, because that's a couple things I found out. | ||
| So I am like shiny, but I also put like oil all over my face and sunscreen. | ||
| Well, that's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so I'm always like, you know, but because I think that's like preventative and but lasering your face. | ||
| What happens when you laser your face? | ||
| Because I was like, oh, I'll just do laser to prevent it. | ||
| And I had a lot of like sun damage. | ||
| But what that does is it removes the hairs on your face. | ||
| And then that's why it gets so shiny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, that makes sense. | ||
| So we have like microscopic little hairs. | ||
| Yeah, little peach fuzz, which is what deflects the light. | ||
| And when you don't have that, you get shiny. | ||
| So my dermatologist was like, we should slow down on the laser because you're going to look like a wax figure. | ||
| And I'm already pushing it. | ||
| But I have oily skin. | ||
| Well, the laser is like, is it similar to like, they say that women get more wrinkles around their face than men because men exfoliate when they shave. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I've never thought about that. | ||
| Maybe that's why I don't have wrinkles. | ||
| I shave every morning. | ||
| Men get less lines around their lips and around the corners of their mouth. | ||
| They don't have to fake laugh as much as we do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't have to giggle at bars all the time. | |
| That's so true. | ||
| Why is that a thing where men like women to laugh at them? | ||
| Isn't that odd? | ||
| Well, it's feedback. | ||
| It's feedback. | ||
| But the other way, it's not like a lot of men laugh at women. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's making a guy laugh as an act of aggression. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| It's a competitive... | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Oh, it's competitive. | ||
| First stone thrown. | ||
| For me, if I'm... | ||
| Well, I already have guys, so I've been on this online dating app. | ||
| Another one? | ||
| Is this the one for famous people? | ||
| You told me you were on one. | ||
| Yeah, it's that one. | ||
| That one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not just famous people. | ||
| You can also get on there if you're rich or... | ||
| You have to be like a certain... | ||
| They have an approval board. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, they have like an approval committee. | ||
| Oh, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Who's on the approval committee? | ||
| Bunch of losers? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But it's an interesting gaggle of monsters. | ||
| But I find there's something very fascinating, and you can probably answer this. | ||
| Guys are so mean with their openers to me. | ||
| Like, they're like, oh, so you think you're funny, huh? | ||
| Like, that's instead of like, hey, nice to match with you. | ||
| It's like usually an aggressive... | ||
| Quip. | ||
| Yeah, well, those guys block them. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, right away. | ||
| Yeah, and guys being nice. | ||
| But I definitely like being funny. | ||
| Well, I mean, think about it. | ||
| It's like, you know, I'm always fascinated by non-physical forms of aggression. | ||
| Like eye contact is a form of aggression. | ||
| And a lot of like, if you walked into a bar and made eye contact with a guy for more than 10 seconds, he'd be like, oh, I mean, not just because you're Joe Rogan, but if you were anyone, like eye contact is like... | ||
| Well, without saying something. | ||
| Yes, yes, exactly. | ||
| Like, hey, how you doing, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you do that, he's like, hey, what's up? | ||
| And then everything's cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Are we going to fight or fuck? | ||
| There's something... | ||
| Established tone. | ||
| Eye contact is fascinating. | ||
| You know, breakdancing. | ||
| I was obsessed with breakdancing for a long time. | ||
| Can you pop and lock? | ||
| What? | ||
| I cannot pop or lock. | ||
| But you just were into guys who could do it? | ||
| I'm hypermobile. | ||
| My knees lock all the time, but by accident. | ||
| I wanted to make a documentary. | ||
| I started making it in college, and I would go to these breakdancing competitions in the Bronx, and I was fascinated by when there's breakdance battles, if violence goes down in the area, kind of like what we were talking about earlier today. | ||
| This has not been a day-long podcast. | ||
| What are substitutes for violence? | ||
| Are they get the same needs met that violence Gives us, right? | ||
| Competition. | ||
| And breakdancing is one of them. | ||
| Rap battles is one of them. | ||
| And I think comedy is one of them. | ||
| So if comedy and a lot of my stand-up comes from a place of self-defense, and the implication is you're my attacker, so I think that I probably like, you know, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. | ||
| See, I always imagine that your kind of comedy comes from you being forced to analyze your surroundings. | ||
| Yeah, that is true. | ||
| Then you've had to make light of distressing, almost like gallows humor. | ||
| Yes, that is true, but I did the roasts for a while, and that is an aggressive form of attack. | ||
| You roast battled? | ||
| I did not do the Rose Battle. | ||
| I was a judge on one of the ones this year, but I used to do just the Rose. | ||
| You were a judge on the Comedy Central one and we were fucking howling because we were in the Comedians Bar at the Comedy Store and you were that young girl, Olivia... | ||
| I love her. | ||
| She's really funny. | ||
| She's great. | ||
| She's fucking really funny. | ||
| Olivia something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's great. | |
| Yeah, and you were going on about her being brave and overcoming trauma and this and that. | ||
| And we're like, Jesus Christ, Whitney, she can't help but psychologically analyze this young lady. | ||
| Well, here's the thing, because Rose Battle is so interesting to me, because when people aren't famous, you just have to attack their personal life. | ||
| And she was on the one that I did recently, the taped one, and everyone was like, Olivia's been raped by a black guy. | ||
| And I was just like, are we just all going to pretend? | ||
| I mean, because, you know, comedy is our anesthesia and we make jokes to deflect and to not have to really deal with it. | ||
| But I was just like, don't get it twisted. | ||
| Like, you're going to have to deal with being raped one day. | ||
| Like, we're all laughing and you're going to get a paycheck at the end of this? | ||
| Is that like an open thing? | ||
| Is She talked about it or something? | ||
| It was on the taping I went to. | ||
| And then it was like, you know, Mark's brother has autism and committed suicide. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joke, joke, joke. | |
| And I was just like, this is too brutal. | ||
| This is too brutal for me. | ||
| Because I know the mental ramifications of this kind of pain. | ||
| And we're all just pretending like this person isn't in a tremendous amount of pain. | ||
| And she's like 20, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Literally, she's 20. I met her when she was 17. Crazy. | |
| She came to the improv in Brea. | ||
| She's a beast. | ||
| Well, that's worse than being raised by. | ||
| I mean, she had even more trauma than I thought. | ||
| She was out there for something. | ||
| I forget what she was out there for. | ||
| No, I reached out to her, and I was like, look. | ||
| She's fucking funny. | ||
| Yeah, and then in, I think, Montreal or something, she fell off the stage, and it ripped her calf open, and then she did the roast battle the next night in a wheelchair. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Yeah, she's a warrior, but I, as someone who, I'm not comparing my experience to her, but someone who was 20, who started doing comedy, who joked about my pain, that shit caught up with me. | ||
| You can try to outrun it. | ||
| Laughs don't, the same way watches don't fix it, and cars don't fix it, laughs don't fix it either. | ||
| Freddie Prinze and yourself. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't work, and neither does money. | ||
| Yeah, isn't that funny? | ||
| You know, it's like when you laugh at pain, and then it just becomes a joke, the pain is still there. | ||
| It's like you didn't kill it with laughter. | ||
| You just sort of like... | ||
| It's like throwing a bunch of gauze bandages over a swimming pool. | ||
| That's exactly what it is. | ||
| There's no pool here! | ||
| A swimming pool full of blood and... | ||
| But it is a temporary way, I think, to get your power back over your damage, or is to alchemize it or sublimate it into something lucrative or positive. | ||
| Like, my negative experience kind of paid for my house. | ||
| But there's a certain point, and I'm fascinated, like, you know, because I personally think, I mean, I can't speak for every field, but in our field in particular, I think we've lost a couple too many comedians to suicide that just kind of come out of nowhere. | ||
| And everyone's like, how did that happen? | ||
| It's like, How do you think? | ||
| You heard him every night on the stage. | ||
| Why is this so shocking to us? | ||
| So, you know, I think it just, you know, it's not my business necessarily, but whenever I see a young comic, I'm just like, let me know if you ever want to talk about it. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's very nice of you. | ||
| Now it makes sense, because I didn't see that. | ||
| I walked into the bar right when they had finished and you were dissecting. | ||
| I'm like, Whitney's fucking hilarious. | ||
| She can't help but psychologically analyze these people. | ||
| Well, that's like me in porn. | ||
| I can't enjoy porn because I'm too worried about the girl and why she's doing it in comedy. | ||
| When she's talking about getting raped, I'm just like, should we call a helpline? | ||
| I remember I read a story about a guy who was in porn that I'd seen in a bunch of porn films that blew his brains out. | ||
| And I was like, whoa. | ||
| I'm like, even the guys. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| Because a lot of these people that get involved in porn, it's like they came here to be an actor and it didn't work out. | ||
| And then somewhere along the line, someone said, look, you make $2,000 to fuck. | ||
| And they went, all right, I'm in. | ||
| And then back then, they really could make a lot of money doing porn. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now, it's even stranger because the money went away. | ||
| There was a guy who was a porn star, and he was producing films, and he lived a few doors down from me. | ||
| And I was like, wow, this guy's ballin'. | ||
| He's ballin' from porn. | ||
| And then the internet came along, and you know how the internet crippled A lot of industries, and people cared. | ||
| Like, people cared about the internet crippling the record industry. | ||
| Like, it was a big deal. | ||
| The Napster issue was a big deal. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I remember. | ||
| Nobody gave a fuck about porn. | ||
| And it's a very strange thing. | ||
| It's like our shame in watching other people have sex, it transferred over to commerce. | ||
| Like, the actual commerce of porn, which is totally legal, was completely and totally ignored. | ||
| That industry essentially vanished and had to regroup and refigure itself out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't understand the economics of it. | ||
| I've never really looked into it, but I know that they don't have DVD sales anymore. | ||
| It's kind of gone. | ||
| And there's also something psychologically really annihilating about being seen and then not being seen. | ||
| You know, it's like, I mean, I... Spencer and Heidi? | ||
| Yeah, like, totally. | ||
| And how you self-destruct after you, you know, humans, we don't like things being taken away from us, but especially being seen, and we feel safe or dopamine or whatever it is from being seen, and then we're not seen anymore. | ||
| And porn is probably the most insidious in a way, because, like, I mean, I even find myself, and I'm not as famous as you, I'm not, like, but when I don't know if people know me or not, I get, I feel really unsafe. | ||
| So, if I'm... | ||
| In what way? | ||
| Like, if I'm sitting next to someone on a plane, and this happens, you know, kind of a lot, and I'm like, okay, cool, he doesn't recognize me, I change my hair color, you know, a lot of people don't recognize me now, and we're cool, and I'm doing this, and I'm, like, doing my dumb, writing my dick jokes, and I'm picking my nose, or doing whatever I'm doing, and at the end of the flight, he's like, I just want to let you know I'm a big fan. | ||
| And I'm like, wait, I thought we had an agreement that we were just strangers and now you've completely betrayed. | ||
| And then I just get into this weird Hitchcock paranoia of who knows me, who doesn't. | ||
| And that's my codependence. | ||
| I have to be able to behave in an authentic way whether people recognize me or not. | ||
| But it's just sort of this creepy feeling. | ||
| And I imagine doing porn because way Many more people watch porn than watch anything I've ever done. | ||
| So I'd imagine so many people recognize that guy, but would never say anything. | ||
| It's just this weird, like, secret... | ||
| I don't know, it feels like a very pernicious existence, like, not knowing who knows you and who doesn't, and everyone pretending they don't know you. | ||
| I mean, if you're... | ||
| I have, like, a lot of people come up to me, and this is always very, like, weird... | ||
| Guys will come up to me, they'll be like, hey, hey, hey, hey! | ||
| I don't know who you are, but my girlfriend loves you, so can we get a photo? | ||
| They're just being dicky to you? | ||
| Now you're just hurting my... | ||
| What's happening? | ||
| Or when people are like, so what do you do? | ||
| I can tell they're pretending not to, and then I have to engage in this weird, bad improv game with them? | ||
| And I imagine porn stars, because there's so much shame in admitting you watch it, people know you, but they don't say anything. | ||
| Yeah, I wonder if that's ever going to go away. | ||
| The shame of admitting you watch other people have sex and that you masturbate. | ||
| Like, there's two shames there. | ||
| There's a shame in watching it and there's a shame in, well, why do you watch it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I'll just watch it just because I'm interested in a psychologist. | |
| No, you're beating off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're slapping your pussy. | ||
| You're doing something. | ||
| Something crazy is going on. | ||
| It is so fascinating. | ||
| I mean, it's obviously rooted in religion, I would imagine. | ||
| Well, it's Puritan instincts that have sort of echoed from the time the people came over in the boats. | ||
| I feel very safe when I know men masturbate. | ||
| Because I'm like, you're getting your needs met in a healthy way. | ||
| You're not just fucking holes in walls once a month. | ||
| You feel safe. | ||
| I feel safe when I know the truth. | ||
| I don't like waiting for the other shoe to drop. | ||
| So you feel like if men don't masturbate, they have so much built up. | ||
| Where you're just going to shoot someone randomly. | ||
| I know a lot of guys who have stopped masturbating because it made them too crazy and they've managed to go years without it. | ||
| I can't speak for everybody. | ||
| They seem really happy because I think they were sick of being a puppet of this... | ||
| I can't pretend to know what it's like to... | ||
| Well, there's an insidious thing that happens with human beings when they don't have intimate interactions with people. | ||
| People that normally have intimate... | ||
| You become Carrot Top. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know if he's... | ||
| I don't know, but when I see comedians who don't hang out with other comedians, I'm always like, oh, this isn't going to go well. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of comedians that are super competitive, and they don't like other comedians. | ||
| Which is so weird because... | ||
| There's so few of us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's the least competitive field you can go into. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In a weird way. | ||
| There's so few of us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's so much demand for comedy. | ||
| There's thousands of comedy clubs. | ||
| Someone else doing well helps you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's true. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| I mean, how many comedy clubs are there and how many comedians are there? | ||
| I mean, I talk about this. | ||
| Like, how many comedians can do an hour? | ||
| I think there's 500 working professional headlining comedians in this country. | ||
| I think there's maybe 500. Maybe there's a thousand, and I think 500 of them are probably funny. | ||
| They can sell... | ||
| How many can sell a thousand seats? | ||
| A Friday night, yeah. | ||
| Oh, a thousand seats? | ||
| A thousand seats? | ||
| Like a small theater? | ||
| Yeah, it goes down to what? | ||
| 200 maybe? | ||
| Maybe 200. Maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Yeah, 200 out of 350 million. | ||
| I mean, is there any other field that has that few people besides, like, Tiffany glass makers or something? | ||
| Yeah, like neuroscientists or something. | ||
| I feel like there's one at every college. | ||
| And there's how many colleges in America? | ||
| But there's a lot of shit comics, too, just like there's probably a lot of shit neurosurgeons. | ||
| Yeah, but there is this sort of false... | ||
| I mean, granted, to be a comedian, we're probably in fight-or-flight mode anyway, or some sort of competitive thing, because it's so hard to do that if you do make it, there's a very specific neurology there. | ||
| But the competition among comedians is so odd to me. | ||
| Well, I remember being... | ||
| I got into it straight from fighting. | ||
| And I remember being super jealous of people that were doing well when I was just starting out. | ||
| Like, I'd see someone on stage, I'd be like, he's not even funny, why can't I get up there? | ||
| And then I recognized, maybe like, a couple years in, in my career, I'm like, wow, that is a dumb way to think. | ||
| And this is some really self-dif... | ||
| I constantly was reading psychology books and self-help books and constantly trying to analyze my mind because I knew that insecurity was tripping me up, whether it was in... | ||
| Fighting or whether it was in comedy. | ||
| Insecurity is like a weird little demon that wrecks havoc on the mind. | ||
| And that a lot of times masquerades as confidence and ambition. | ||
| So it's hard to sort of... | ||
| Well, it didn't even masquerade with me, but I would pretend it did. | ||
| I would pretend I was confident, even if I wasn't. | ||
| That line of thinking was very, very dangerous. | ||
| It was tripping me up and it was keeping me from reaching my full potential. | ||
| So instead, what I realized somewhere, I had a heart to heart with myself. | ||
| And I realized like I got into comedy because I love comedy. | ||
| And now all of a sudden I don't love it anymore because when someone's doing well, I'd be like, God, why didn't I think of that? | ||
| Or why did I come up with that joke? | ||
| Or why is he so much better than me? | ||
| And then I realized, oh, you have to be a fan and a practitioner. | ||
| You have to stop, and then you have to support other comedians. | ||
| It felt hard for me to say, hey, I saw this guy the other night, and he was fucking brilliant. | ||
| God, he's so funny. | ||
| And then somewhere along the line, like a couple years in, I started doing that again. | ||
| I started being a fan of comedy again, and then I started running with it. | ||
| And then I realized how few people did that, and then I became super supportive of all the other comedians around me, and then developed a whole clan of people that do that. | ||
| So if you've noticed, my friends, all my really closest comedy friends, were all super supportive of I love that about you. | ||
| It's so cool. | ||
| Did you have to get a lot of success before that happened? | ||
| No, it happened before my success. | ||
| It definitely happened before my success. | ||
| I was helping people when I was terrible. | ||
| I wasn't doing well, but I realized that there was something wrong with my thinking. | ||
| It's the same as martial arts. | ||
| Like, you don't get good by denying that other people are good. | ||
| You get good at respecting the fact that other people are good, looking at yourself and your objective analysis of your own skills, and then realize, like, wow, I got a lot of work to do to reach that guy's level. | ||
| Yeah, and I was like, look at me like, you know, and I definitely had that in the beginning a lot, too, where, I mean, in the beginning, for me, there was so much about just dealing with aggressive people and recreating my childhood circumstances. | ||
| You weren't really there when I first started the Comedy Store. | ||
| You sort of had your respite from the Comedy Store. | ||
| But I was hazed so hard. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe! | |
| We're fine now. | ||
| And we are totally friends now. | ||
| But Ari and David Taylor. | ||
| Oh, David Taylor's got some deep, deep female issues. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And we're fine now, and we worked through it. | |
| It was really hard for a long time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But Ari, has Ari never told you the story about how he hid my backpack? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| It's an amazing story where every night when I would go on stage, you know, there's like, in the Comedy Store original room, which is sort of our, at least my kind of like, was my church in a lot of ways, and my home, sick as that sounds, like there's a back booth, like that back row of booths that's kind of for VIPs and like Mitzi Shore. | ||
| hallway in the back where they put drinks up. | ||
| So I would have a backpack every night I would go in, I would put my backpack up there because it was super dark in there. | ||
| And one night I was on stage at like some comical like one in the morning slot, like after Don Barris was like was when I would sort of go up. | ||
| And I had just had my wallet stolen or my house broken into and someone stole my wallet like two days before. | ||
| So I was already in fight or flight mode. | ||
| And I got off stage and I couldn't find my backpack. | ||
| And I'm like running around and, you know, it's so dark in there. | ||
| I'm like, fine. | ||
| And I got so scared that someone was, because basically what a security person that helped me said, someone who you're probably with all the time took your credit card, copied it, and then put it back in your wallet. | ||
| Like, because someone had, remember, there was that big Bank of America scandal where they copied like 2,000 credit cards. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| It was that. | ||
| I was a part of that. | ||
| So I got in my head that there was someone in my life around me who took my credit card and copied it. | ||
| And so I was freaking out and everyone thought it was probably so funny. | ||
| And then I started crying, hysterically freaking out crying. | ||
| And once Ari saw me crying, he was like, I'm not owning up to this. | ||
| He's just like, fuck this. | ||
| So he just chickened out? | ||
| He told me later, like, we just thought it was an innocent prank and thought it would be funny, but then you started crying and then we were all freaked out. | ||
| So he didn't even give you your backpack once you started crying? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| We have to ask Ari how it ended up, because I did his podcast a couple years ago and he told me. | ||
| You can't ask Ari because Ari is hiding. | ||
| I don't know if you know this, but listen, I'm going to play this for everybody because I've been playing Ari's voicemail message because when you call him up, it says, at the subscriber's request, incoming calls have been blocked. | ||
| He hasn't paid his bill. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Incorrect. | ||
| Ari decided to go rogue, and he decided to go completely off the grid for a couple of months now. | ||
| And he was in Myanmar, and now apparently he's in some South American country. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This phone does not accept incoming calls. | |
| Message CA-127. | ||
| Okay, well that's normal. | ||
| What's he doing if... | ||
| That might mean that he's back stateside, because last week it was in Spanish. | ||
| When you would call him up, it would be a Spanish message. | ||
| You can't text him or anything? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| No email, no nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is he alone? | |
| Yes. | ||
| What's this for? | ||
| He fucked up and hung out with Henry Rollins. | ||
| That's what happened. | ||
| He fucked up and hung out with Henry Rollins, and Henry Rollins, who is fucking crazy! | ||
| In a great way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Speaking of Adderall. | ||
| No, he's not on anything. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| He was on Ritalin, right? | ||
| Ritalin. | ||
| Was it Ritalin? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ritalin. | |
| Was it Ritalin? | ||
| He was on Ritalin when he was a child. | ||
| His neck disagrees. | ||
| Well, when he was really young, he was like a test subject. | ||
| From 5 to like 17, his family put him on Ritalin. | ||
| His doctors, whatever, whoever it was. | ||
| Oh, it's heartbreaking. | ||
| But he would be like, all day, he used to be like, gritting his teeth and holding, and then after school was over, he would be like, crashed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, buddy. | |
| And so, he's fucked. | ||
| So anyway, what he does... | ||
| Henry Rollins has the hardest time dealing with human beings and not being in motion. | ||
| He wrote this thing about how he gets into deep depression. | ||
| It comes thudding into his chest whenever he's not doing something. | ||
| We're all running. | ||
| He can't chill. | ||
| He's gotta go do something. | ||
| I heard him on a podcast talking about how his assistant makes up fake work for him. | ||
| Just to keep him busy. | ||
| He'll be like, you have to drive out to this thing and pick up this thing. | ||
| She makes things just so he's in motion. | ||
| She hates, by the way, being called his assistant. | ||
| She's his manager. | ||
| I'm sorry, Heidi. | ||
| She explained it to me. | ||
| I hate when people say assistant. | ||
| I said, did I say it? | ||
| She goes, no, you didn't. | ||
| We're talking about other people. | ||
| It's a trigger. | ||
| She's got a warning shot. | ||
| She fires when you meet her. | ||
| Don't call me assistant, motherfucker! | ||
| Jeez! | ||
| Okay, got it. | ||
| So, Henry picks a spot. | ||
| He'll just go, how about Bali? | ||
| And he'll call his travel agent, and the travel agent says, yeah, we can get you out to Bali. | ||
| By the way, only flies economy, because even though he's fucking wealthy as shit, drives a shitty Mazda 6, Is that like a masochistic thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| For sure. | ||
| Self punishment. | ||
| Wears gray t-shirts only. | ||
| Probably doesn't own a suit. | ||
| Is he still in like crazy shape? | ||
| He's in good shape. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| He's not like jacked anymore. | ||
| Apparently he had a bunch of injuries because he was power lifting for a while. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Anyway, so he had a podcast that he did with Ari, which is an amazing podcast where Ari and him met. | ||
| I feel like they were in... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Scotland? | |
| I feel like Ari's always in Scotland. | ||
| Edinburgh? | ||
| Yeah, they were at the Edinburgh Fest and they started talking and the podcast is amazing because Henry was talking about how he's been doing this. | ||
| He's been to over a hundred countries. | ||
| He travels all over the world and does it every year and he does it. | ||
| He goes completely off the grid when he does it. | ||
| He just goes there and he brings his laptop and his camera and takes pictures of people and people going, what are you doing here? | ||
| And he's like, I'm here to meet you, man. | ||
| And he just meets people and goes places and hangs out with Bedouins and goes into the fucking desert and winds up in dangerous places, dangerous situations, but then comes back and has these amazing stories from it. | ||
| So Ari just released his or just recorded his latest hour and had decided that he really needs to do something radical to generate new material. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| He spent a month in China last year and he came up with a bunch of material from that. | ||
| So he decided, I'm just gonna not talk to people. | ||
| I'm gonna not talk to my friends. | ||
| I'm not gonna talk to anybody. | ||
| I'm not gonna use my cell phone. | ||
| I'm just gonna live. | ||
| I'm just gonna go completely off the grid and travel the world. | ||
| And so, you know, he makes a shit ton of money now. | ||
| He's got his Comedy Central show. | ||
| He's done really well with stand-up over the last few years. | ||
| Which is great to see. | ||
| But this thought that he has... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, it's... | |
| Look, I mean, there's something to be said for it. | ||
| I mean, I feel like our brains are so cluttered with chores and, you know, we're so routinized at this point. | ||
| It's like there's something to be said for just completely rewiring, you know? | ||
| It's just like... | ||
| Ari's crazy, though. | ||
| Yeah, I was gonna say. | ||
| I also... | ||
| I'm in this stuff program where it's like human connection is what keeps us sane. | ||
| You know, when I'm alone and isolate like that, bad things will happen. | ||
| Well, Ari won't use a smartphone anymore because he's addicted to it. | ||
| He's like, it's too addictive. | ||
| It's amazing that he's able to course correct like that. | ||
| He's smart as fuck. | ||
| Joel Silver uses a flip phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does he really? | |
| And he gets so much done because it's not like dumb text. | ||
| He just phone calls, handles it. | ||
| He's a little dumb little LG flip phone. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that's all well and good, but you know what I do? | ||
| I put my fucking phone down. | ||
| There's another level of discipline. | ||
|
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|
I don't like that. | |
| That's the other thing. | ||
| Do you have to just, you know, abstain entirely? | ||
| Can you just do that every hour? | ||
| I put my phone in the other room and then I go do stuff. | ||
| How do you have so much self-control? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just do. | ||
| But it takes a certain warrior to be able to do that. | ||
| But I don't do it all the time. | ||
| Sometimes somebody has to tell me, hey, put your phone down. | ||
| My wife will tell me that. | ||
| Put your phone down. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| But I do understand it personally. | ||
| I'm not denying it sometimes. | ||
| You gotta just stay awake. | ||
| I just have to stay awake because I get real zombie real fast. | ||
| I'm way better at putting my laptop down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I used to have an issue where I would just be constantly going on YouTube and searching different websites. | ||
| Getting a hole. | ||
| You go in those YouTube spirals that take you down, down, down the next thing you know. | ||
| I got in a spiral of watching people pop zits. | ||
| Oh, have you seen Dr. Pimple Popper on Instagram? | ||
| No, I can't. | ||
| Go straight to it, Jamie. | ||
| I got stoned one night and I was watching all the zits get popped for like a good two and a half hours. | ||
| But then you know when you go to YouTube and it says suggestions for you. | ||
|
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|
It's all zits! | |
| Then you find out the next day what you did. | ||
| For me, I know I have to get the fuck away from the computer when I get down to animal attacks. | ||
| We'll go to a good one. | ||
| I like they're called confetti streamers, the ones that are small and they just come out for like a minute. | ||
| She's got some ones that are just horrific. | ||
| Go to that one at the right-hand side. | ||
| Right-hand side. | ||
| Upper. | ||
| Upper. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Go to this one. | ||
| She gets a lot of cysts. | ||
| Click on that, please. | ||
| Looking at... | ||
| Oh, well, that's like a... | ||
| Here it comes. | ||
| Is that pus? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, some of them come out and they come out like goddamn volcanoes. | ||
| What is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
So is that... | |
| Fat globules. | ||
| That is... | ||
| Oh, it looks like a birth video. | ||
| It literally looks like a deer is giving birth. | ||
| And some of them come out and they just look like cream cheese. | ||
| She's got some other ones on her page. | ||
| Look at that, 579,000 views. | ||
| I think she has millions of followers. | ||
| That is so much more fascinating than... | ||
| She's probably got more followers than you and I combined. | ||
| Click to see how many followers you have. | ||
| We are in the wrong business. | ||
|
unidentified
|
23 million? | |
| 2.3. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Okay, but you know, she only had like 1 million a year ago. | ||
| Who is? | ||
| Is this her only job? | ||
| She's a doctor. | ||
| She's a dermatologist. | ||
| What genius was like, let's start filming this? | ||
| Well, and she specializes in popping zits. | ||
| What's the one on the head? | ||
| Probably some dude's got some... | ||
| Her name is Sandra Lee. | ||
| Some dude's got some fucking... | ||
| Sandra, I want your life. | ||
| Well, you know that grooming for women releases endorphins in our brain. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I mean, does your wife try to pop your zits? | ||
| No. | ||
| Or ingrowns? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| No, I don't really have any. | ||
| Well, you're flawless. | ||
| That is disgusting. | ||
|
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|
That looks like aliens are giving birth to twins. | |
| I look at the smaller ones. | ||
| Oh, that is so gross! | ||
| Look at this one. | ||
| How about this one? | ||
| Is this one okay? | ||
| You had to pull it out like it was hamburger meat. | ||
| How about this one? | ||
| I can't. | ||
| Do you like this better? | ||
| I like the tiny ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I like these. | ||
| What's better? | ||
| This or... | ||
| This or all that? | ||
| Those are my favorite. | ||
| That's my favorite. | ||
| I do that on airplanes in the bathroom. | ||
| So the nose ones... | ||
| Oh, that's my favorite. | ||
| Oh, love it. | ||
| Is it harder to watch... | ||
| Oh, my nipples are hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| Is it harder to watch that? | ||
| I like these. | ||
| Or is it harder to watch the Deadline? | ||
| Dead Lion. | ||
| The Dead Lion. | ||
| This I'll watch all Dead Lion. | ||
| Any dead animal? | ||
| You know, here's my thing. | ||
| Your whole approach to hunting is... | ||
| I get it. | ||
| Like, you have a very honorable... | ||
| You have a lot of... | ||
| You know, you treat on some level them with, like, dignity. | ||
| And you have integrity about it, you know? | ||
| Do you eat meat? | ||
| I do eat meat. | ||
| Yeah, so I had eating disorders. | ||
| So I can't really, like... | ||
| When I start restricting things, they're going, I don't eat this, I don't eat that. | ||
| That can go down like a bad spiral. | ||
| I don't actively seek out meat, and I don't eat pork, really. | ||
| But I can't start being too abstemious. | ||
| Why do you not eat pork? | ||
| I don't eat pork. | ||
| All of your listeners, I think, would probably think I'm very annoyed. | ||
| I'm going to get a lot of... | ||
| Don't worry about that. | ||
| I think I've just chewed down the rabbit hole of learning about the emotional acumen and capacity of pigs and dogs. | ||
| That it's just kind of like a bummer. | ||
| Pigs are very smart. | ||
| Very smart and very emotional. | ||
| They say they're like toddlers. | ||
| You've got to be around wild pigs. | ||
| Wild pigs are monsters. | ||
| Feral pigs, I'm sure. | ||
| Yes, but ones that are just raised and killed. | ||
| And there's also a lot of like, maybe this is too metaphysical or whatever, but like they know what's happening. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And I just, it's more like you're just eating fear. | ||
| So their adrenaline and cortisol, it's just like... | ||
| You know throbs through their bodies while they're getting killed and they just they live in fear their entire lives And there's just you're ingesting that and it's an energy, you know, yeah, and you know, it's fucked and antibiotics are crazy My dad has antibiotic resistance right now, which I think is going to be part of the next sort of Horrific things that we can't control where technology sort of taken over do you think it's from doctors or from livestock? | ||
| It's Definitely from doctors as well, being over-prescribed antibiotics. | ||
| Every time you have a cold, every time you have a this, take antibiotics. | ||
| And then by the time you actually need them, they don't work anymore. | ||
| And that's where the situation my dad is in. | ||
| There's a thing that they're just researching recently on Komodo dragons. | ||
| And they're looking to Komodo dragons. | ||
| I think there's enzymes in their blood that they think is going to be effective in treating people that have resistance to antibiotics for diseases. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Bananas. | ||
| Yeah, that was today I was reading that. | ||
| Yeah, that's bananas. | ||
| And I also look, it's like, again, you know, for me, and I'm not generalizing about everybody, I know this for me, a lot of things are projections. | ||
| And so for me, like when an animal is helpless, I see myself as a helpless child. | ||
| And when I see something in a cage, maybe the same way that like when you go into a room of executives, you're like, I don't want to be this. | ||
| When I see something in a cage, I just, something that's voiceless and helpless, that's what a kid is. | ||
|
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|
So it just triggers like a lot of Yeah, I can't go to the Pound. | |
| I'll have 100,000 dogs. | ||
| I just can't do it. | ||
| I do so much animal rescue and I send someone to go. | ||
| When I see one that I'm going to rescue, they go and get them for me because I'll lose my mind. | ||
| Yeah, you'll take them all home. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just too hard. | |
| Yeah, I just rescued a horse. | ||
| I just got a horse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you have a horse? | |
| Yeah, I just rescued a horse. | ||
| Where do you put it? | ||
|
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|
What's Hollywood? | |
| Yeah, so Joe, that's why I'm here today. | ||
| I keep him at the improv. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I feel like he's at the ha-ha. | |
| But he was a show horse, a dressage horse, who, you know, after a while, they're just useless. | ||
| They're like racehorses, kind of. | ||
| So he was going to be... | ||
| I do equine therapy anyway, so someone's like, do you want him? | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| What's equine therapy? | ||
| He's my teacher. | ||
| So there's this, I think you will find this interesting. | ||
| I find it fascinating. | ||
| Horses don't value anything that we value. | ||
| Money, prestige, clout, IMDB, meter, house, they don't care about anything. | ||
| Anything that we use to defend ourselves, being funny, being smart, they don't care about it. | ||
| The only thing they care about is authenticity. | ||
| So basically, horses serve kind of as mirrors to your flaws. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, in authenticity. | ||
| So if you're fake, a horse recognizes it? | ||
| They don't understand. | ||
| They're repelled by it. | ||
| So if you got a horse around like one of the real housewives from Beverly Hills would just kick her in the face? | ||
| It would just kill itself. | ||
| It would kick itself in the face, as would I. It's based on this philosophy called Being With Horses by this German woman. | ||
| Her name is Sabine. | ||
| I don't remember her last name, but this place called The Reflective Horse is where I keep it in Topanga Canyon. | ||
| And, you know, like, as you know, like, equine therapy is used for a lot of, like, people in rehab and sexual abuse victims. | ||
| I'm working with this organization called She Heard Power, and Beth Bares, who I work with, is sort of running it, and it's letting—because humans can be so triggering for drug addicts and trauma survivors that, like, for me, therapy stopped being able to work because I was so triggered by therapists. | ||
| I found myself lying to them. | ||
| I found myself, like— Literally trying to manage their, like, you know, I didn't want them to think I was crazy. | ||
| Like, it was just... | ||
| You're the most awesome and crazy person at the same time I've ever met. | ||
| But it's like, we all do this shit. | ||
| But then I was resentful, because I'm like, I'm fucking pinging you, and that's all you're going to say? | ||
| Like, I was combative to them. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, because it's like, I'm very, not selfish about my time, but I have like a healthy understanding about what is a waste of time. | ||
| And I found, you know, I have a great therapist now who's like a badass, and she's like... | ||
| She's 5'2 and wears only mink coats and pajamas. | ||
| She's awesome. | ||
| Mink coats? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they're like faux fur. | ||
| Like vests. | ||
| But then I would get very like you in the executive room. | ||
| I would be in a therapist's office and it would be like Harvard Business School. | ||
| I'm like, this fucking guy doesn't know anything about problems. | ||
| Fuck this guy. | ||
| Like, I just was like, I'd get angry at them. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, they'd be like authority figures to me. | ||
| And that triggered me. | ||
| It was just like, and then I felt we were talking about like, boundary stuff or sexual stuff. | ||
| And I didn't, you know, the shame that comes with saying I watch porn or this or that. | ||
| Like, it just wasn't. | ||
| It's working for me. | ||
| And then equine therapy, it's not about dominating the horse, and it really illuminates our instinct to control and be perfect and achieve. | ||
| And those are sort of the things I'm working on right now. | ||
| I have crippling perfectionism. | ||
| I feel like you and I have been, but you're interesting because you're one of the few people I know who's incredibly successful, but you don't seem to have a perfectionism issue. | ||
| Like you achieve a lot without an obsession about achieving. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| I have a perfectionism issue. | ||
| And like with writing this new hour, like we've been texting about this. | ||
| You're like, do you want to come to the Ice House? | ||
| Do you want to come to the Ice House? | ||
| And I'm like, yes, I do, but I don't have a new, like, I can't. | ||
| But you only have to do whatever you want to do at the Ice House. | ||
| You can do 10 minutes or 15 or 20, whatever you want to do. | ||
| But I'm like, if I don't do it perfectly. | ||
| Oh, that's so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| Yes, because in my household, I only got rewarded for being perfect. | ||
| But there's no perfect in comedy. | ||
| No such a... | ||
| It's a... | ||
| A hundred percent. | ||
| So this is why, like, with horses, if you're trying to be perfect or control the outcome, and you can't control a horse, they're a thousand pounds. | ||
| You can't... | ||
| If they're... | ||
| You know, when you're alone with it in a ring, not dominating it or cajoling it or using any kind of manipulation devices, you really can only be authentic and detach from the results of, like, I need the horse to run and jump and do all these things. | ||
| They're not going to do what you in your mind think is perfect. | ||
| So it's about like detaching from results. | ||
| Well, let me ease your concerns because I definitely have perfection issues. | ||
| How? | ||
| But I just let them go. | ||
| But I don't like anything I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, almost nothing. | ||
| I don't like any of my comedy. | ||
| I don't like anything I do because I break it down so much. | ||
| I go over it so much. | ||
| You get sick of it? | ||
| I listen to it. | ||
| I make notes. | ||
| I go over it. | ||
| I change things. | ||
| I go over it. | ||
| If I flub a word, I want to jump into a fucking- Me too. | ||
| Oncoming train. | ||
| Whereas the audience loves it. | ||
| They're like, he's human. | ||
| He flubs words. | ||
| Well, if I recover, it's fine. | ||
| But it bothers me when I don't do something right. | ||
| It definitely bothers me. | ||
| But I've learned how to manage that bother over the years where I don't go crazy. | ||
| And I think part of that is... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's a lot of factors there. | ||
| Part of it is understanding that it's an issue and then figuring out why. | ||
| And then I spend a lot of time doing things like... | ||
| It's meditating. | ||
| I'm taking a lot of yoga. | ||
| I do occasionally, I get in my isolation tank and work things out in there. | ||
| When I do yoga, I can't even, because I need to be doing it perfectly. | ||
| And it comes and goes, but it really is, especially when I'm... | ||
| Like get really busy and like out of control and out of touch like I resort to my perfectionism is what gets me attention and that's how I will survive very like primitive thinking because that's what worked for me as a child. | ||
| Well, it seems like you're aware of all these issues, which is at least step one, right? | ||
| Well, I think the real thing, and your proof that you can do it, is can you release your protection mechanisms or the things that worked for you? | ||
| Because I think a lot of my perfectionism has worked in a lot of ways. | ||
| Have achieved things because of it, but it has started to actually hold me back. | ||
| So can you, the thing, the sort of maladaptive behavior that has worked for you professionally, can you release it and still get what you want? | ||
| You're single and you're not finding people that are compatible with you. | ||
| I love that you just said that because I'm finding it was bleeding into my mind. | ||
| Dating. | ||
| I was like, you're not perfect. | ||
| I think a lot of dating is being able to just go like, I'm flawed. | ||
| You're flawed. | ||
| I'm going to stop picking you apart. | ||
| Because I think there's an overachiever mentality that sometimes bleeds into our personal life of like, but what if there's someone better? | ||
| Well, if you don't feel safe, too, you also have predatory instincts where you find a weak thing. | ||
| And you're like, look at that. | ||
| This guy's got a limp. | ||
| He's got a mental limp. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then you go like, oh, he might be full of shit. | ||
| Or he might be pretending he's something he's not. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| So am I sometimes. | ||
| I've done that. | ||
| I do that. | ||
| At what point do you just commit and accept somebody? | ||
| And I don't know the answer. | ||
| Well, it's going to be hard to find someone who can keep up with you. | ||
| That's going to be a big part of the issue, too. | ||
| But does he need to? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep, for sure. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| Yeah, it has to. | ||
| But is that going to be exhausting? | ||
| I mean, I've dated guys that are very high-functioning, alpha type A's, and it was exhausting. | ||
| Well, that doesn't necessarily have to be exhausting. | ||
| You just have to find someone who knows how... | ||
| Look, you can have a car that's 600 horsepower and not know what the fuck to do with it, and you're going sideways around every corner. | ||
| Just because you have all that power and all that energy... | ||
| Doesn't mean you're utilizing it correctly. | ||
| Or you could have a car that has 600 horsepower and you take every corner perfectly and you know when to hit the gas and it's always there when you need it, but you don't use it. | ||
| How did you know? | ||
| Do you talk about this? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I figured it out. | ||
| How did you know that you were like, I'm going to commit to this person? | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| You're like, any day now. | ||
| You know, I don't think you ever totally know. | ||
| You know, you just gotta be, you gotta feel safe with the person, feel calm with the person, enjoy being around them. | ||
| You know, and the other thing is a person like you or me or anybody is you have a lot of options. | ||
| That's an issue too. | ||
| You know, because if you don't have any, if you live in a small town, there's only a few people, you find someone quick, like musical chairs, like sit down, quick. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| But if you have a lot of options, you're like, well, this guy's just not quite doing it for me. | ||
| Let me just fucking go test the waters. | ||
| And then you're out there checking your dating app and, oh, so you think you're funny, huh? | ||
| It's a full-time job also. | ||
| I see, and this is a generalization, but a lot of people that I know that are being the most effective in life do have calm, predictable home lives. | ||
| That helps. | ||
| If you were going out every night to Winston's... | ||
| What's Winston's? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's like a club in LA. Is it? | ||
| You know what Winston's is. | ||
| No? | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| If you were going to Maggiano's Little Italy at the Grove every night trying to pick up girls, you would have no time to build an empire. | ||
| There's no time. | ||
| There's no time to work. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It's a full-time job. | ||
| Well, that is a real issue with men. | ||
| I'm looking to settle. | ||
| I'm in the market to compromise. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, then you'll probably find someone if you're willing to compromise. | ||
| But are you really willing to compromise, or are you just saying that right now? | ||
| That's a really good question. | ||
| Once there's a guy there and he's flawed, and you think about guys that you used to date that weren't flawed, and then maybe I'll look him up and... | ||
| Yeah, but I'm trying to not view, objectify people that way. | ||
| It's like, I'm flawed too. | ||
| Like, where do I get off? | ||
| We're all flawed, for sure. | ||
| But I also think, like, there's this, and there's this, and I don't know if it's feminism, like, we can leave that out of it, but there's this new trend where women, my girlfriends, a lot of them, who are like, I deserve better than this. | ||
| And I'm like, no, you don't. | ||
| Yeah, that's kind of weird. | ||
| You're a B minus. | ||
| You deserve a B minus. | ||
| So for me, when I'm like, I deserve this and this, I'm like, no, I don't. | ||
| Like, I deserve someone who's kind of a mess like me. | ||
| Well, I think people, you can certainly get lucky. | ||
| I think I definitely got lucky with my wife. | ||
| She's a really nice person. | ||
| She's smart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's calm. | |
| She's very patient. | ||
| She must be. | ||
| She's easy to get along with. | ||
| And I think for me, and this is the first time I've thought this way, it's maybe not about who that person is. | ||
| It's about who I am with that person. | ||
| That's the everything. | ||
| That's everything. | ||
| Who you are, like we were talking about this before, if you're around people that are negative, that shit bleeds off into your brain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's toxic, yeah. | |
| And when you're around people that are nice, you feel nicer. | ||
| So who are you around? | ||
| You're calm and you're... | ||
| I try to be this guy all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and for the most part I am. | ||
| I just don't want to go home and work. | ||
| Unless I'm hammered. | ||
| Or... | ||
| Do you drink? | ||
| I could definitely drink. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Or do you do like tequila? | ||
| I don't want to guess. | ||
| I mean, I've been drunk a bunch of times on podcasts just to try to make it more fun. | ||
| Oh, I respect that. | ||
| I want to listen to those. | ||
| Why did I get one of those? | ||
| We could do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell me when. | |
| Let's do that. | ||
| Next one. | ||
| We'll get hammered. | ||
| High five. | ||
| Let's do that. | ||
| That'll be fun. | ||
| Could get dark. | ||
| We'll have to Uber home. | ||
| This is what happens when we're sober. | ||
| We're just going to be watching zit pop. | ||
| I'm going to be popping your zits. | ||
| We're just going to watch animal attacks. | ||
| We're going to watch all those guys in China. | ||
| Why is it always in China where they keep sneaking into those animal enclosures? | ||
| Wait, did Joe let Whitney pop his back zit? | ||
| I found one. | ||
| On a podcast? | ||
| Film it. | ||
| How do you not get ingrown hairs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Because you shave or something. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I even pop ex-boyfriends when I see ex-boyfriends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Call them up. | |
| I'm like, can I get it? | ||
| Can I get it? | ||
| They're like, we're not dating anymore. | ||
| You don't get to do that. | ||
| It's grooming. | ||
| We're monkeys. | ||
| We're monkeys with guns. | ||
| We're just monkeys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We talked about this last time that bonobo apes and humans have more similar DNA than African elephants and Indian elephants. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bonobo apes, it's really fascinating. | ||
| They have one restriction, sexually. | ||
| The mother won't have sex with the son. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Women have sex with women, men have sex with men, the son fucks the dad, the dad fucks the son. | ||
| Yeah, well that's like a good genetic sort of survival instinct, because incest breeds... | ||
| But the dad fucks his daughters. | ||
| Oh, that's not fair! | ||
| Nope, rude. | ||
| But the mom's like, get out of here, you freak. | ||
| That sounds like inequality. | ||
| It is a, I might not be pronouncing this right, a gyneocracy? | ||
| Like, apparently they call it a gyneocracy because they use their vaginas to get what they want as power. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, some people, humans do that, too. | ||
| It is fascinating that they're the least violent champ and the one that has the most sex. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| By far. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| I mean, that's another way to get your aggression out, I would imagine. | ||
| That's been sort of our theme today. | ||
| Well, I've been thinking about this a lot lately when I examine human culture and civilization and all the fucking atrocities that we commit on a daily basis. | ||
| And then I look back at, you know, I was reading this piece about ancient man and, you know, the trials and tribulations, Neanderthals and Homo sapiens how to deal with. | ||
| And I was thinking, what is the difference between Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon? | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| I always get this wrong. | ||
| Well, Cro-Magnon is the early version of us. | ||
|
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|
Right. | |
| Neanderthal is a different breed of human. | ||
| Neanderthal, we're human. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I conflate them all the time. | ||
| Okay, now I understand. | ||
| But I think Cro-Magnon is not us, though. | ||
| It's not homo sapiens, I don't think. | ||
| I always get this wrong. | ||
| Australopithecus, I think, was the first human. | ||
| The first human-like creature. | ||
| It's an honor to be the dumbest person on your podcast. | ||
| I don't think you're definitely not the dumbest person. | ||
| Clearly you've never met Brian Redman Unlike Neanderthals Cro-Magnons are not a separate species Okay, they're us in fact they're the earliest known European example of our species living between 35,000 and 10,000 years ago That's what's so fucked up 10,000 years ago is nothing. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| It's a second. | ||
| And they're actually modern in every anatomical way. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| You guys learned something today. | ||
| Fucking A, that's nuts. | ||
| 10,000 years is so recent. | ||
| And here's the craziest thing. | ||
| They only existed 175,000 years ago, they emerged. | ||
| So 175,000 years ago, humans emerged. | ||
| So before 175,000 years ago, which is a blink in time. | ||
|
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A blink. | |
| Roughly, they don't really know. | ||
| Their estimate changes based on fossil evidence. | ||
| But that's so recently. | ||
| So recently. | ||
| What I was thinking is, when we're looking at our issues, you know, dating and love and friendship and creativity and ambition, all these weird issues that human beings have today in this context. | ||
| And weirdly luxuries. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| First world problems, left and right. | ||
| Creativity and love. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 100 years old. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| What is the future going to be like? | ||
| What is a modern human in the year 2075? | ||
| Well, it's all going to be VR, right? | ||
| I mean, aren't we all just going to be in our virtual reality machines just masturbating? | ||
| We might be the last people to touch our genitals. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| This will be the last pussy spanking generation. | ||
| Maybe sex will be... | ||
| I mean, there was a... | ||
| Sorry to circle back to porn again. | ||
| There's a book called Pornation. | ||
| And in it, there was a statistic that said 80% of kids under 18 boys would rather watch porn than have sex with an actual woman. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| That's a bullshit. | ||
| If I'm wrong, fact check it. | ||
| That's a focus group statistic. | ||
| I was going to say, it's probably a very specific group of people who would agree to be interviewed about, you know, whatever. | ||
| The same assholes who think women have to masturbate in tubs. | ||
| Only in tubs. | ||
|
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|
That's it. | |
| It's only the only time they do it. | ||
| There's no kid. | ||
| This is fake. | ||
| But, I mean, who knows? | ||
| Fake news. | ||
| Fake boobs, fake news. | ||
| You could probably prefer, because you're in control of it. | ||
| If you have a VR woman who's going to do whatever you want, you don't have to deal with her afterwards and talk about, like, what are we? | ||
| Yeah, but that's half the thrill. | ||
| Half the thrill. | ||
| For you, but you didn't grow up on fake women and anime. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| People are jerking off to cartoons, Joe. | ||
|
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|
Wow. | |
| You don't understand. | ||
| We watch Saturday morning cartoons. | ||
| They are jerking off to animated women. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| How many? | ||
| Most of them are jerking off to actual porn. | ||
| Will you look up in an animated... | ||
| How many people are jerking off to anime? | ||
| Anime porn. | ||
| I would say it's a very small number. | ||
| Which, by the way, a lot of the women in real porn are more lifeless than the animated women in porn. | ||
| Well, they're weird now because they're getting fake asses. | ||
| Well, it's like Jean Baudrillard's theory of simulacrum about how we prefer this simulation of something to the original of something when we can actually control it. | ||
| I think Andy Warhol was onto that as well. | ||
| Well, isn't it bizarre that some men prefer fake boobs? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why getting off to anime porn is shorthand for supporting Donald Trump? | ||
| That's a weird connection. | ||
| Lauren, how do you say that name? | ||
| Orsini? | ||
| Orsini? | ||
| Oh, this just happened to pop up. | ||
| But what a bizarre fucking title. | ||
| Okay, let's see what she has to say. | ||
| Goddammit, Forbes. | ||
|
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|
Continue, please. | |
| But is this in Forbes? | ||
| Yeah, it's hilarious. | ||
| On Tuesday evening, GOP consultant Rick Wilson made Twitter waves. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| They have the fucking stock of Twitter right there. | ||
| Single men who masturbate to anime. | ||
| Plus 0.50%. | ||
| Isn't that hilarious? | ||
| They show Twitter and people reading Forbes, what's the stock at? | ||
| Oh yeah, totally, totally. | ||
| They know their audience. | ||
| So weird. | ||
| Waves with his claim that Donald Trump supporters are mostly single men who masturbate to anime. | ||
| I think they're right. | ||
| This is an intentionally incendiary statement that Wilson says he made directly to troll Trump's followers. | ||
| Everybody's trolling everybody. | ||
| First of all, as any anime fan will let you know, it's called... | ||
| Clears throat. | ||
| Hentai, a specific genre of X-rated Japanese animated cartoons. | ||
| But what's interesting is that in order to intentionally make people angry, Wilson targeted anime geeks as his insult. | ||
| Geeks tweet. | ||
| Don't upset them. | ||
| Yeah, they'll find you. | ||
| They'll at-reply you. | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| I can compete with porn. | ||
| I feel strongly that I'm like, okay, I can compete with the girl. | ||
| I've seen porn. | ||
| I can't compete with cartoons. | ||
| I have cellulite. | ||
| I really don't want to have to. | ||
|
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|
Here's the stats on how many people. | |
| How one website is convincing people to pay for cartoon porn. | ||
| If you're paying for cartoon porn, just watch Jessica Rabbit. | ||
| Whoa, hold on a second. | ||
| Among 18 to 34 year old viewers, cartoon and hentai are the 13th and 17th most popular porn searches and millennials are 131% more likely to search for anime than older browsers. | ||
| This is what I'm saying! | ||
| Whoa, you just blew my mind. | ||
| So can we see what the other 12 porn categories are above? | ||
| It's all gagging. | ||
| It's all gagging. | ||
| Gagging while getting choked. | ||
| Gagging while getting punched. | ||
| Gagging pregnant bitches. | ||
| Gagging while anal. | ||
| Gagging while spitting. | ||
| Gang bang gag. | ||
| Oh, here we go. | ||
| Gagging while slapping. | ||
|
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|
Okay, so where's one? | |
| Lesbian's number one with a fucking bullet. | ||
|
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|
Wow. | |
| Lesbian and then teen. | ||
| And then stepmom. | ||
| That's upsetting. | ||
| Let's not brush past teen. | ||
| That's awful. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
| That's horrifying. | ||
| You're monsters. | ||
| I'd rather you watch anime. | ||
| Stepmom is ahead of MILF. Wait, whoa! | ||
| And then squirt. | ||
| People are into peeing. | ||
| People are into squirt. | ||
| They like the squirting. | ||
| They think it's anything other than peeing. | ||
| And then mom is below that. | ||
| Well, apparently it's a mixture. | ||
| It's definitely not. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's coming out of your pussy. | ||
| It's pee. | ||
| Okay, we'll circle back. | ||
| And then it's mixing with your pussy juices because you're excited. | ||
| We're going to circle back. | ||
| And then when scientists analyze it... | ||
|
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|
They go, well, it's not all P. And they're like, good, we're in! | |
| Circle back. | ||
| We're going to circle back to that. | ||
| So it's interesting to me that Stepmom is above MILF. Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that interesting? | ||
| I want a mom. | ||
| I don't want to be... | ||
| You want to fuck your dad's wife. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Is that a weird, like, Freudian penis envy thing? | ||
|
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|
Fuck yeah, it's weird. | |
| Number one at the bottom, rather, the least is public. | ||
| Public is the least searched. | ||
| Anal is above... | ||
| Anal is shockingly low. | ||
|
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|
I know. | |
| It's below ebony. | ||
| Ebony is above black, which I think is strange. | ||
| What's the difference? | ||
| I'm so racist. | ||
| One is for educated people. | ||
| Wait, why is Japanese and Asian... | ||
| I know why they're different, kind of, but do you see how they're different categories? | ||
| Yes, Asian's way down low. | ||
| People are way more into Japanese than they are into Asian. | ||
| So specifically Japanese. | ||
| Asian, you get like Vietnamese, Thai, and people are like, nope, nope, nope, nope. | ||
| That's where I draw the line. | ||
| I want a girl with a kimono. | ||
| Yeah, geisha girl. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| So it's like a power thing. | ||
|
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|
I think anything I say here is going to be misconstrued. | |
| It's incredibly racist. | ||
| Don't be worried about that. | ||
| This is the age we live in. | ||
| Okay, what is the difference between Ebony and Black? | ||
| I'm so sorry. | ||
| There is no difference. | ||
| One of them is said by people with education. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Got it. | |
| And the other one is someone who just wants to get jungle fever. | ||
| But I'd imagine what's under those, one's going to be classier than the other, maybe? | ||
| There's something socio-interesting. | ||
| Millennial search term differences. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Cosplay. | ||
| What is cosplay? | ||
| Sorry, I don't know. | ||
| Oh, that's coming? | ||
| Or shitting. | ||
| Costumes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Shitting. | ||
| Ha ha ha ha ha ha! | ||
| Shitting cosplay. | ||
|
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|
Why would you think cosplay is toilet? | |
| I don't know, but I said it so nonchalantly. | ||
| Foot job. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| What is the foot fetish thing? | ||
| Do you know? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I guess it's like something happening when you were young. | ||
| Oh, like some sort of... | ||
| Isn't that called cathexis? | ||
| I think it's called imprinting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sexual imprinting. | ||
|
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|
Yeah, right. | |
| Look at that yoga. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| Yoga's in there right below gym. | ||
| There's a lot of yoga balls in porn these days. | ||
| I see a lot of sex on yoga balls. | ||
| I do not feel sexy at the gym. | ||
| But gym is above yoga, which is interesting. | ||
|
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|
More people can relate. | |
| They're all the CrossFit people. | ||
| Yeah, more people can relate. | ||
| Like a girl doing squats. | ||
| What if she just wanted to fuck right now? | ||
| Fuck my dick! | ||
| Squat on that dick! | ||
| Could I get hard with all these people watching? | ||
| I think I could. | ||
| Wait, what's... | ||
| POV. Now that I heard that porn star in LA Fitness, I get the gym porn thing. | ||
| What is emo? | ||
| Like, goth girls to Morrissey? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| A lot of crying. | ||
| Tattoos. | ||
|
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|
Tattoos? | |
| Oh, I think that's just all porn now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, that's part of... | |
| Like, goth makeup? | ||
|
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|
Suicide girl type girl. | |
| Suicide girl. | ||
| Emo? | ||
| No. | ||
| For sure, that's what it is, yeah. | ||
| He's like, for sure. | ||
| I mean, that's what they are. | ||
| Why do they call it emo, though? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Suicide girl, I wouldn't think of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like generality. | |
| I would think emo, a bunch of crying dudes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like Doc Martens? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| If they put suicide on here, then you're looking for suicide porn, and that's a way different thing than emo girls. | ||
| Yeah, that's not porn, that's just crime. | ||
| What's that guy who committed suicide, Elliot something or another? | ||
| What the fuck's his name? | ||
| Elliot Smith? | ||
| Is that his name? | ||
|
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|
I don't know. | |
| Duncan told me to listen to him. | ||
| I listened to him, I'm like, Duncan, what the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| It was like super depressing music. | ||
| I'm like, no wonder this guy stabbed himself. | ||
| Wait, can you walk me through this? | ||
| Dogging? | ||
| What is dogging? | ||
| Doggy style? | ||
| What the fuck is dogging? | ||
| Or walking? | ||
| But it says dogging. | ||
| Dogging. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Long nipples is at the very bottom. | ||
| Granny is well above long nipples. | ||
| Wait, so aren't those synonymous? | ||
| Smoking, what's smoking? | ||
| Wife swap. | ||
| So why is it negative? | ||
| Does this mean it's become less popular? | ||
| This one is actually comparing millennial searches to people older than them. | ||
| So millennials are more into all this. | ||
| But this stuff is all new. | ||
| Millennials never probably had the opportunity to see Granny. | ||
| Well, there's granny porn that's more prevalent now than ever before. | ||
|
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|
What if you were 80 doing porn? | |
| What is that? | ||
| That's a bitch that knows she's gonna die and just wants to ride that boat right into the rocks. | ||
| Hit the throttle. | ||
| She's bobbing across the top of the ocean. | ||
| She sees the rocks. | ||
| She doesn't let up at all. | ||
| She doesn't even close her eyes. | ||
| This is upsetting to me. | ||
| Go back up. | ||
| Stop scrolling so much. | ||
| I guess it's the no teeth. | ||
| Kim Kardashian is the most popular porn star searched by millennials still. | ||
| Is she a porn star? | ||
| Yeah, she's got a porn tape. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| That's amazing. | ||
| I don't know the rest of these girls. | ||
| And Mia Khalifa, who's like a... | ||
| Liz Khalifa's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sister? | |
| I know nothing. | ||
| Lisa Ann, who's deep in her 40s, I believe. | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| That's a victory. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I don't know any of these people. | ||
| Oh, Sasha Gray, I feel like she's fallen off the... | ||
| I don't think she does it anymore. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I think she retired. | ||
| Her vagina threw in the towel? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's like a fighter. | ||
| They get enough headshots, and they're like, I gotta step away. | ||
| She's had enough concussions in the back of her throat. | ||
| How do you... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I know I met... | ||
| I did a job... | ||
| This is gonna sound crazy. | ||
| So I hired Jenna Jameson to do something in a pilot that I did, and I met her fiance, and she was actually really cool. | ||
| I mean, all the weird... | ||
| Recently her Twitter feed has revealed something else, but when I met her, she seemed quite normal, whatever that even means. | ||
| She's very nice. | ||
| And she's sober now. | ||
| Her guy didn't know she was Jenna Jameson for like a couple months. | ||
| I don't even want to comment. | ||
| Do not believe it. | ||
| I know her. | ||
| She's a very nice person. | ||
| I'd rather not comment on her personal life, so I don't really know. | ||
| Got it. | ||
| I support anyone who's trying to escape that world and just become normal. | ||
| Well, because I also, with guys that I date, I never want them to see my stand-up. | ||
| Do you think that... | ||
| How many guys have you dated where you were on a date with them for a while before they figured out that you were a famous comedian? | ||
| I mean, since I've done stand-up, I don't... | ||
| Never? | ||
| Yeah, maybe not. | ||
| So it's always an elephant in the room. | ||
| Well, it's always like, have you seen my specials, have you not? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And someone I'm seeing now, I was like, could you not? | ||
| Could you not watch me? | ||
| Watch them. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Just so that you have an opportunity to just get to know me first before you hear me talk about squirting for 40 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And is he okay with that? | |
| He was like, I'd rather not, actually. | ||
| And I'm like, cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Whereas some guys are like, what's your special last night? | ||
| Fucking squirting. | ||
| And I'm like, okay. | ||
| I don't want the guys I date to see me that way. | ||
| So I'm just codependently worried about Sasha Gray's future. | ||
| Well, she seems like a very smart person. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, a buddy of mine used to work for the Fleshlight and he'd met her and she just reads books a lot. | ||
| She's very smart. | ||
| She's a freak. | ||
| She did a whole article about that. | ||
| She had done some mainstream movie. | ||
| She did with Soderbergh. | ||
| The Girlfriend Experience or something. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| She did some interview about it. | ||
| She was like, I'm just sort of embracing my inner slut. | ||
| She's like, I like it. | ||
| How come guys are allowed to do that? | ||
| No, so do I, but I don't film it. | ||
| I have parents and I don't put it on camera. | ||
| Maybe that's the thing. | ||
| Maybe it's the parent thing. | ||
| There's something different there. | ||
| Or maybe you don't have parents that you want to punish. | ||
| Maybe some women have parents that they want to punish. | ||
| They want their dad who doesn't talk to them ever to see this and realize how bad he fucked up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| It could be an act of aggression or like a punitive act. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of people that I would like to get revenge on and I still don't have sex on camera and upload it to Vimeo. | ||
| Well, because that's also self-punishment in some ways. | ||
| 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's cutting. | |
| You're opening yourself up to massive amounts of... | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Like, I went just for no good reason. | ||
| I went to Ronda Rousey's Instagram page the other day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because she showed up in my feed, and then I went to her page, and I looked at some of the comments on some of her pictures, and holy shit, are there monsters out there? | ||
| About sexual stuff? | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure there's some of it was sexual. | ||
| What I just thought was just mean. | ||
| Like, you open yourself up to just mean fucking people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, she, I don't, you know, know, like, she, I'm sure, doesn't look at that or something, but whenever I look at it, I'm out for a couple days. | ||
| You can't look at it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Apparently they have to keep Donald Trump away from Twitter and from Instagram and television. | ||
| Because, like, there was some thing, they were talking about some campaign aide that was like, you know, we have to keep him away. | ||
| You gotta keep him distracted. | ||
| You gotta keep him away from the television. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because he becomes fixated and he just wants to talk about, like, someone who's doing a Saturday Night Live sketch about him. | ||
| Well, I mean, look, I don't know enough about politics to really talk about it, and it really doesn't matter who you are interested in or not, but he shows the signs of a clinical narcissist, and whether that's good or bad, maybe presidents should be narcissists, maybe athletes should. | ||
| I don't know where that benefits you. | ||
| I'm sure there are careers where it does, but narcissists have that kind of addiction to feedback. | ||
| It's scary for a leader. | ||
| It makes sense for an artist or for an athlete that you have to have some sort of narcissism to become J-Lo. | ||
| To say I'm the best in the world. | ||
| Yeah, to be a diva or to be a whatever the fuck you are. | ||
| But yeah, it becomes a real scary thing when it's like, I remember when he was talking about Kanye West, when Kanye West did that thing in front of this giant concert and he said, I didn't vote, but if I did vote, I would vote. | ||
| He said, I vote on Trump. | ||
| He's not even spelling it right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would vote Vote on Trump. | |
| Thank God you don't vote, but it's not helping. | ||
| Well, it is interesting. | ||
| What I was going to say is he did this thing where he's talking about it in front of this gigantic group of people, where he's talking about, he loves Trump. | ||
| I love Kanye because Kanye loves Trump. | ||
| He was talking about himself in the third person. | ||
| It was so disturbing. | ||
| It was like, this is such a weird way of addressing that. | ||
| Instead of saying in a gracious way, that was very kind of him, I appreciate him, he's a brilliant artist, and it's very nice to have his support. | ||
| Thank you, Kanye. | ||
| Instead of just saying that, he loves Trump. | ||
| Well, I love Kanye, because Kanye loves Trump. | ||
| He loves Trump. | ||
| Like, he kept saying it and repeating it. | ||
| Like an Asian person speaking broken English. | ||
| He's also a 70-year-old grandpa who's out there working 150 hours a day and he's probably ragged. | ||
| But your thing about impulse control is like if you can't go, you know what? | ||
| I'm not going to send that. | ||
| I'm going to put a pin in that and spend some critical thinking before I sort of act. | ||
| But this is also a man who is Did you hear when he said, he was like, you know, I can see things from every angle. | ||
| I'm not doing impressions. | ||
| I can see things from every angle probably better than anyone. | ||
| Yeah, well, he always does that. | ||
| Anyone? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anyone. | ||
| But I'm fascinated by how much a mental illness can help you and then when it starts to backfire on you. | ||
| It's obviously worked pretty well on some level. | ||
| Well, what's going on now is his mental state or the way he behaves, his personality, is being examined by the brightest minds in the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like us. | ||
| No, not us. | ||
| And the dumbest. | ||
| And two idiots that like to talk about pussy slapping and gagging. | ||
| Or watching zip popping for you. | ||
| But he's, you know, he's under this, there's a level of scrutiny that you get if you're a rapper like Kanye West or a fighter like Ronda Rousey. | ||
| And then there's this whole nother level when you want to be the center of the entire nuclear armament for the United States of America. | ||
| You want to be the commander in chief. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| For the greatest country the world has ever known. | ||
| And that's what he's done. | ||
| And I don't think it's good. | ||
| Howard Stern was talking about this, and I think Howard knows him pretty well. | ||
| And I think it was very astute what he was saying. | ||
| It's not good for him mentally. | ||
| It's like the guy wants to be loved, and you're just not going to be loved in that job. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's heartbreaking. | |
| Nobody gets loved. | ||
| Yeah, you did it to get love and you're getting the massive amount of hate come at you, but he is getting love from a specific area of people. | ||
| I mean, I'm, again, fascinated by the primal element of it, of how we, you know, the people who are responding well to what he's doing are... | ||
| Responding to alpha male. | ||
| We have a, I think, reptilian attraction to alpha males. | ||
| I mean, I'll say it. | ||
| When I was watching him in early, early on, in the early debates when there was like, you know, six candidates on stage, as much as, I mean, I did his roast. | ||
| I met him. | ||
| He was gross to me. | ||
| He's gross? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, he's the guy who like puts his hand on your lower back when he talks to you for no reason at all. | ||
| It was just like, you know, but he was a cartoon character of Donald Trump. | ||
| I mean, it's like he's the erstats version of Donald Trump. | ||
| It's so surreal at this point. | ||
| But I saw him sort of knowing all of his shortcomings. | ||
| This is before anyone actually thought he would become president. | ||
| Not that the other candidates didn't have shortcomings, but he said to all of the people, he pointed them all out, and he was like, you've asked me for money, you've asked me for money, and it was so ballsy and courageous. | ||
| And I was like, my primal brain was like, if there's an earthquake, I'm going with that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I think we're all in such a survivalist mindset with what's happened with the economy and people are struggling for- I get it, you know? | ||
| And I was like, yep, that guy's the most fearless motherfucker of the bunch. | ||
| Everybody is so calculated and scared and reserved and- They weren't prepared for that. | ||
| I don't think politics in general was prepared for someone with that mindset. | ||
| Someone who can rebound from that grab the pussy thing and be like, it was locker room talk. | ||
| But he didn't care. | ||
| If he had apologized, we would have been pissed. | ||
| I mean, at least his supporters would have been pissed. | ||
| He didn't apologize. | ||
| He's like, yeah, I said it. | ||
| There's something in our primal brains that's like, yes, that guy can protect me when shit goes down. | ||
| Well, there's also, like, people are tired of really ultra-left-wing, nanny-state-type people that want to tell you what you can say and what you can't say and how to behave and trigger words. | ||
| And you're so good at, like, you're not contributing to this problem. | ||
| You're part of this solution of, like, I think there's also, like we were talking about earlier, with Catholic schools and the pendulum swinging of this, like, hyper-political correctness. | ||
| And then just this reaction of, like, this motherfucker does not care. | ||
| He's saying Muslims are bad and they're raping. | ||
| Like, he's saying what our crazy uncle says at dinner every night, you know? | ||
| And, like, there's just something brave about it that's attractive. | ||
| I think there is hope that someone is going to recognize the positive elements of that kind of, not total, like, disregard for the way people view him, But having the confidence to be yourself and then meeting much closer to the middle in terms of being compassionate and kind and being open-minded. | ||
| But not apologetic and weak and scared. | ||
| I think you can be both. | ||
| And the Democratic Party is showing a lack of people who are unapologetic, fearless, and have aplomb. | ||
| Yeah, there's also, it's interesting watching people that he's trying to assign to different cabinet positions backing out. | ||
| They're like, nope, sorry. | ||
| They're like, no amount of money can deal with the hate threats and the pussy hats out my front door. | ||
| It's just, it's so... | ||
| It's detrimental to your career. | ||
| And if they think the boat is sinking, like, oh, this boat might make it across the ocean, but it might not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm good. | |
| I could also just, yeah. | ||
| It's a fascinating time, I think, to explore the kind of things that you explore on your show, which is like human nature and our primordial instincts. | ||
| Because this has been, I think, the most tribal, primal thing I've witnessed in my lifetime. | ||
| I've never seen so much separation between the left and the right and the anger and fury that's going on today. | ||
| There was a great article in, I think it was Scientific American, I think, about when people are wrong about something. | ||
| Because here's the other thing, like even if you voted for Trump and he promised you, you know, manufacturing jobs would come back, which is... | ||
| kind of impossible given modern technology. | ||
| He promised something that is sort of like technologically not feasible. | ||
| But even if when you voted for him, you were right, he was going to give you, he said ISIS in 30 days. | ||
| It's been more than 30 days. | ||
| Hasn't done, you know, can people say, you know what, I was wrong. | ||
| That guy fucking lied to me. | ||
| It's so hard for us to do that because of our ego. | ||
| And there was an article in Scientific American how people, and granted, I'm sure this study was skewed, and it's a specific, you know, group of people that sign up for a study, but that when someone was wrong, when someone told them they were wrong, it made them believe their point even more. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'll send it to you. | ||
| They double down. | ||
| They double down. | ||
| But if you say to them, and I think it's the CIA that uses this as a form of questioning, is that you first have to legitimize their position before you suggest that there might be something flawed about it. | ||
| So you go like, you know, I totally understand that you would think that, you know, the earth is flat. | ||
| I can see why you would thought that. | ||
| I mean, you grew up here. | ||
| Of course you thought that. | ||
| If you empathize with them first and then say, you know, but turns out it's round, they'll more... | ||
| They're more likely to come around, but if you just say hey, you know that's fucking wrong, and if you show them proof, they double down even further on there. | ||
| What's the worst thing you say to someone who's upset? | ||
| Calm down! | ||
| Relax! | ||
| Yeah, they just get fucking furious. | ||
| It's a non-respecting thing. | ||
| You're not respecting the person's state of mind. | ||
| You're not objectively stepping back and looking, how does this person really feel right now, and what's the best way to talk to them? | ||
| You're demoralizing, and what we're all doing is demoralizing each other by going, you're fucking wrong, you're stupid, And something that was interesting, and I know that I'm in Hollywood and I don't know anything about politics. | ||
| I know, you don't have to tweet it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| But one thing I do know is that, and I was sort of fascinated by the comedian's role in this election, because as the news fails us in a lot of ways, comedians sometimes tend to sort of show up and tell the truth. | ||
| But in every movie, the underdog always has to win. | ||
| And, right? | ||
| It's just Rudy. | ||
| Fucking baseball. | ||
| What is the field of dreams? | ||
| Rocky! | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So I was like, everybody beating up on him, you're just making him the underdog. | ||
| And underdogs always have to win. | ||
| It's just like some weird human nature thing. | ||
| Sort of, but isn't he also the president? | ||
| Like, you can't really be the underdog and be the president, can you? | ||
| Don't you think he was the underdog? | ||
| I think during the election, we were all beating up on him. | ||
| And I think we were going, he's stupid, you're dumb, you're not qualified. | ||
| And then everyone was like, oh, we gotta fucking root for that guy. | ||
| Because we were, you know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's going to take the establishment down. | ||
| But meanwhile, he's bringing in all these fucking bankers and Exxon people. | ||
| Yeah, and people tweeting about him just gave him hundreds of millions of dollars of free press. | ||
| It was just sort of interesting how we sort of hoodwinked ourselves. | ||
| Well, not just tweeting about him. | ||
| The things that he said were the things that CNN decided they were going to cover and now he won't let CNN into the Fascinating. | ||
| Or the New York Times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fascinating. | |
| He wouldn't let the New York Times into the press gaggle. | ||
| But he let Infowars and all these other weird websites. | ||
| I mean, it's very odd. | ||
| That's unprecedented that he's limiting access. | ||
| To the press. | ||
| You know, he filed for re-election five hours after he won. | ||
| I mean, this guy is like, you know, and there's something amazing about it. | ||
| Like, he has figured out a way to hypnotize a nation, a world. | ||
| I mean, there's something just so primal at play. | ||
| Well, he's juking the system in the same way he's juked the system with taxes and With, you know, with filing for bankruptcy. | ||
| Well, it's interesting because we're mostly designed to follow rules and to comply with what is socially acceptable, right? | ||
| That's like how we get dopamine is like, just fit in, be part of the pack. | ||
| That's how you stay safe. | ||
| And he is not one of those people. | ||
| And it's just pretty fascinating. | ||
| No, not by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
| It's unprecedented that this person that lies all the time. | ||
| Pathologically. | ||
| Yeah, pathologically. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But he's getting called on it, though, which is weird. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| The reporter who said to him, you said that you won by the largest margin ever. | ||
| And he was like, someone told me that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he said, well, it was amongst Republicans. | ||
| And then he said, no, because George H.W. Bush had a larger Electoral College victory. | ||
| He's like, well, it's what they told me. | ||
| It's what I've been told. | ||
| But there's also with, and this is sort of back to the horse thing, like, it doesn't matter what you say, it matters how you say it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And do people care if they're being lied to, if they're being lied to in an authoritative way with someone who seems very confident, like they know what they're fucking doing. | ||
| But it's going to chip away at him, though. | ||
| This is what I really believe, that all these times where he's being checked, like, this is the reason why he won't go to the White House press correspondence dinner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like, that's weird. | ||
| That's a tradition. | ||
| Remember when he wouldn't go on the debates? | ||
| He wouldn't go on CNN? This has been going on where he just refuses to be president. | ||
| Hasn't he not even moved in? | ||
| He's been golfing most of his presidency and it's cost us money. | ||
| He sends his kids on these business trips. | ||
| To go set up hotels in the countries that don't... | ||
| We have to protect his kids. | ||
| Do people care? | ||
| I can't tell if people care. | ||
| They don't know yet. | ||
| They don't know. | ||
| It's only been 30-something days. | ||
| How long has he been in the White House? | ||
| Yeah, so he's been in the White House a little over a month. | ||
| Yeah, and most people are just living their lives and they're busy and they just don't even have time. | ||
| It takes a while for all that information to trickle into the entire country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like it's getting into some people. | ||
| There's people that are furious. | ||
| There's, you know, there's New York Times writers who are writing on it on a daily basis and there's all these different authors. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I just think there's something to be said for, and I'm working on this in my life, to be able to be like, I was wrong. | ||
| You got me good. | ||
| You hoodwinked me, and I'm wrong, and now what? | ||
| Do you think that people are going to do that, though? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's acquiescing to the left. | ||
| Or just being sane, going like, I was bamboozled. | ||
| But being sane doesn't work when you have these party politics things. | ||
| Yeah, it's so tribal. | ||
| Yeah, it's so tribal. | ||
| It's so team-oriented. | ||
| I mean, it's just something that's ingrained in us to have an enemy and a team. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fight with and then it becomes all about our projections like I mean it's really been hard because I'm trying to sort of like especially going on stage like I had a riot breakout in Napa people started fighting you know in a crowd. | ||
| What were you talking about when they rioted? | ||
| This was before the election and I really start out with being like you know what politics is not my thing there's people who are much better at it and I let them do it if you want to talk about squirting you come to me but like I know my I stay in my lane and But this felt like something that was just, you know, beyond something that almost feels weird to ignore it on stage. | ||
| It's like the elephant in the living room. | ||
| And so I was talking about it, and I was like, look, I'm not saying who I think should win. | ||
| I think both candidates have flaws. | ||
| I think there's one that's less flawed, but whatever. | ||
| And I said something about, you know, if Bill is in the White House, because it would be the first female president, it was just something about, like, what happens with the first female president and how I think that there should be a rule saying that The first female... | ||
| Can she... | ||
| Because the woman doesn't have... | ||
| She doesn't have time to fuck him. | ||
| She doesn't have time. | ||
| And this woman yelled out. | ||
| She was like, How dare you? | ||
| Talk about Hillary. | ||
| This is one of the most conservative areas in the country. | ||
| You need to know your audience. | ||
| This lady said that to you? | ||
| She was in the second row. | ||
| She was with me the entire time. | ||
| Turns on me. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| You need to know your audience. | ||
| And I... Now I realize wrongly, was like, oh no, you need to know you're a comedian. | ||
| I don't give a shit. | ||
| How's that bad? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I thought so. | ||
| But... | ||
| Then the audience all went after her, and then she had a bunch of people with her, and it was just turned into a melee. | ||
| That sounds awesome. | ||
| You would have loved it. | ||
| Plus, you're in Napa. | ||
| They're probably drunk as fuck. | ||
| Shit-faced. | ||
| I was so scared, because no one was tractable. | ||
| It wasn't like, oh, the bodyguard. | ||
| It was like everybody was getting up and fighting with everybody. | ||
| And so I hadn't really talked about it on stage, but it's just so deep. | ||
| It's so visceral with people. | ||
| It's like we're in a war. | ||
| I mean, this country's in a psychological war. | ||
| A psychological civil war. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you can't bring it up with anybody. | ||
| It just is like, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around. | ||
| This is the first time I think I've ever even talked about it. | ||
| I don't even tweet about it. | ||
| I just kind of like... | ||
| How'd the show end? | ||
| Fire. | ||
| Quickly. | ||
| Earthquake. | ||
| I got my check and it cleared. | ||
| But no, they had to be, like, 16 people had to be removed. | ||
| Whoa, 16? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did the show go on? | ||
| The show went on, yes. | ||
| Did you have a good time with it? | ||
| And I ended up, I mean, for me, like, if someone tells me, I just had to, so I had to go harder at the political thing. | ||
| But it's the kind of thing where I thrive in adrenaline and conflict. | ||
| I was just like, bitches, this is how I grew up. | ||
| I'm looking for an excuse to fight people. | ||
| Don't do this. | ||
| Don't you think also starting out and doing a lot of work at the Comedy Store, which has no fucking crowd control. | ||
| I'm an original room comic. | ||
| You fucked with the wrong monster. | ||
| But the idea is she could say, know your audience. | ||
| It's the most conservative place in the country. | ||
| She just was like, cater your material to us. | ||
| Which was just so, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Know your audience. | |
| She was one of those, I mean, it was really demeaning. | ||
| And I think I also got very deeply insulted. | ||
| I was a slot machine or a jukebox where she puts money in and I'm just supposed to do what she wants me to do. | ||
| And I was like, comedians, we're the only ones left Who are taking risks and saying shit that no one else will say. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I felt like it was an attack on free speech in general. | ||
| Well, people have their ideas of what you're supposed to do. | ||
| This is how you're supposed to behave if you're a this. | ||
| This is how you're supposed to be. | ||
| You have a bedside manner if you're a doctor, if you're a comedian. | ||
| You have to tailor your jokes. | ||
| I think it's like, if you're, I mean, I'm in comedy, so I think if a comedian doesn't make you a little uncomfortable at some point, we're kind of not doing our job, you know? | ||
| I always think it's hilarious when someone tells you not to talk about something. | ||
| Like, someone tells you, next subject! | ||
| Have you ever had someone to yell out, next subject! | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| I've had some pretty... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Drop it. | |
| Well, I've had... | ||
| Sometimes Kevin Christie pointed out to me one time that about... | ||
| Because he opened for me a long time, about 45 minutes into my set, someone always turns on me. | ||
| It's usually a man who just has had a drink and I turn into their wife. | ||
| Like a woman talking into a microphone at you for that long, I will become your mother, your ex-wife, the girl who didn't fuck you in high school. | ||
| Especially the booze. | ||
| The booze. | ||
| And one time we were in La Jolla, which you know is the most chaotic group of drunk people. | ||
| Xanax. | ||
| Xanax. | ||
| And I did this joke about how guys ages ago, every guy has a jar of coins in their house somewhere, like pennies, or like a bowl of coins, and everyone's laughing, and this guy just snaps at me. | ||
| He had been in the front row laughing the entire time, and he was just like, that's so we can pay for your shit! | ||
| And very quickly I realized that I had transmogrified into someone. | ||
| So it's triggering. | ||
| I mean, going to see comedy can be triggering. | ||
| I think it should be. | ||
| That's heavy. | ||
| Yeah, it should be. | ||
| Obviously I went to sort of a different place. | ||
| But yeah, we basically trigger drunk people for a living that just want to be heard. | ||
| Yeah, but that's so innocuous. | ||
| Why would anybody be upset that you have a jar of coins? | ||
| I mean, it's kind of funny because a lot of guys do. | ||
| They have a jar and they chuck coins in it and then they eventually bring it to the bank and go, do something with this. | ||
| Yeah, it was just like a shitty observational joke from six years ago. | ||
| But I get a lot of times, the most annoying thing is actually just when people are like, so true! | ||
| You're like, what? | ||
| For me, the backhanded compliments after the show are always the worst. | ||
| Like, you're really funny for a girl? | ||
| Or like, I don't care what anyone says, you're hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| And stuff like that. | ||
| Hey, hey, don't... | ||
| My friend hates you, but I think you're pretty good. | ||
| Don't listen to them. | ||
| You're amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| You know, just sort of like... | ||
| There's so many crazy people you have to talk to. | ||
| Are you really 34? | ||
| I mean, I get. | ||
| You're the craziest. | ||
| The craziest. | ||
| I mean, you're so much prettier in person. | ||
| You're actually really pretty. | ||
| Well, that's actually nice. | ||
| That's a nice thing to say. | ||
| If there's ever an actually... | ||
| You're actually funny. | ||
| But that's... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, don't you think people are just awkward? | ||
| Yes, people get awkward. | ||
| Well, I mean, just like a guy trying to contact you on a dating app. | ||
| They don't know how to. | ||
| Like, so you think you're pretty funny, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm like, no, I have really low self-esteem. | ||
| Next question. | ||
| You see him sitting in front of his phone trying to think of the right thing to say. | ||
| Do you get people... | ||
| You must have people... | ||
| Because I think for comics, like with celebrities who are like movie stars, people are like, oh my god, That's Emily Blunt. | ||
| Or whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right? | ||
| But with us, they're like, what's up, buddy? | ||
| Like, they think we're friends. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I find, at least with me, and people are super comfortable with me. | ||
| Even more so because of the podcast. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do people just come up to you and they're just like, hey, man. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| I used to fight. | ||
| Yeah, they just want to talk about all kinds of things. | ||
| But the problem is, like, sometimes I'm with my kids and they just want to talk to me. | ||
| I'm like, I can't talk to you right now. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| You just say... | ||
| I tell you, I'm with my family, man. | ||
| I gotta go. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, like, I can't... | ||
| Hey, man, I gotta ask you a question. | ||
| You know, boop, boop, boop, boop. | ||
| And they'll just go into these in-depth questions like, this is not happening. | ||
| I'm holding the hand of a six-year-old right now. | ||
| And I'm on my way to do something. | ||
| Like, this is not... | ||
| We're not gonna sit here for half an hour so you can talk about Conor McGregor. | ||
| I mean, it's a victory that you have created such a group of people who are so into... | ||
| I have people come up to me about your show quite a lot at the gym. | ||
| At the gym? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When you're not talking about anal sex? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's always, yeah, they're like, hey, so I... I don't buttfuck in my personal life, but what I do is listen to you on podcasts. | |
| People know so much about us that, I mean, it is tricky. | ||
| I don't have a family, but when I'm on dates and people are like, hey, how's your knee? | ||
| I'm like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Guys are always like, who is this person? | ||
| I'm like, I've never met this person. | ||
| They're like, why do they know more about you than I do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you get exposed in a weird way when you do these long-form conversations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| I forget it. | ||
| You can't hide. | ||
| That's who you are, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's like, I definitely, I mean, I would imagine your listeners know more about you than your wife does. | ||
| No, she knows a lot about me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Does she listen? | ||
| Yeah, she listens too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Hey, girl. | ||
| Hey, what's up? | ||
| Hey, girl. | ||
| She was listening to me and Ron White and she just goes, comedians are so fucking weird. | ||
| She's like, you guys are so honest. | ||
| You reveal shit that people would hide to their deathbed. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| And you guys are talking about it and laughing like Ron White was talking about accidentally getting his dick sucked by a bunch of guys. | ||
| I know it. | ||
| You know what's really weird? | ||
| I listened to the Ron White episode. | ||
| I'm obsessed with Ron in a million ways. | ||
| And I remember when he said, I just want respect from my peers. | ||
| And I was, you know, when we say things that no one else, everyone thinks, but no one else says, I think it gives grace to them. | ||
| So I think we sort of serve that purpose. | ||
| Well, I think that's got to be the worst thing in the world is even being successful. | ||
| I know we can name a few people that are like this, but even being successful, hated and despised by their peers. | ||
| And it's like, you don't, you're a man without a country. | ||
| Like you're You're lost. | ||
| The only people that understood me now... | ||
| Well, that happened when I got a TV show and all the comedy store and the comics there were like my family. | ||
| And then I got a show and then all of a sudden everyone was mad at me. | ||
| I wish I was around back then. | ||
| I'm trying to think when that was. | ||
| It was like five, six years ago maybe? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was the loneliest I've ever felt. | ||
| I was like, the only people who understand me now hate me. | ||
| I got so jealous and weak. | ||
| It was awful. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| I now know that it was just them being insecure and then everyone's got a show now. | ||
| There's a lot of people that do have this feeling that's never going to happen for them. | ||
| And there's no greater way to ensure that it's never going to happen for you than to have this feeling and ride it out that it's never going to happen for you. | ||
| It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. | ||
| It's like the opposite of a placebo effect. | ||
| Yeah, and then look, when it happens, you better be ready because it's not going to work if you're not ready. | ||
| Right, and even if you're ready, it might not work. | ||
| And if it doesn't work, you can't think it's the end of time. | ||
| You've got to keep going. | ||
| You've got to keep hammering. | ||
| If you haven't healed the wound that made you want the thing in the first place, the thing is not going to fix it. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I've gone into depth with comedians about that because I think that's an important thing to think. | ||
| We all start out from a fucked up place. | ||
| Every comedian that's any good starts out from a place of insecurity and weakness and then somewhere along the line you've got to become more secure and then it's going to become about art. | ||
| It's got to become about creating something that's good that people enjoy. | ||
| And then it's got to be about doing something that's going to enhance people's experience. | ||
| They're going to go to see you, and for an hour and a half, that show is going to be so fun, they're going to literally feel better. | ||
| And it's got to be that. | ||
| You're a healer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And whatever good feeling you get out of that, here's the sacrifice. | ||
| You're not going to enjoy it at all. | ||
| I enjoy onstage killing, but the creating and the process and the going over the material and writing and the chipping away at your fucking, why does this suck? | ||
| This topic sucks. | ||
| Should I abandon it or should I just keep working at it? | ||
| Or it's working, but it's fucking cheap. | ||
| And why the fuck are you guys laughing at this? | ||
| This sucks. | ||
| You can't do that either, right? | ||
| Yeah, that's sort of self-loathing. | ||
| It's like figuring out a way to heal the wound that made you funny, but also stay funny. | ||
| So can you be healthy and funny? | ||
| I think that's my biggest... | ||
| You can be. | ||
| But it's not easy. | ||
| It's definitely a bouncing act. | ||
| And there's something that happens to comedians when they become famous that their main motivation was to get that love and then they get it and then they fucking suck. | ||
| Something happens. | ||
| You get complacent, you stop needing the approval or you stop, you know, that's the perfectionism thing. | ||
| Because perfectionism is a lot of why I'm like so like, you know, my bar is so high for what to say on stage. | ||
| And if I lower that bar, is it going to be less quality, you know? | ||
| You seem like you just need more reinforcement personally in your personal life to relax your perfectionism in your career. | ||
| That's what I would think. | ||
| And I think you're right. | ||
| And I think what happened is I think a lot of people are like, what do you mean? | ||
| You made it. | ||
| Everyone knows you. | ||
| And you're like, well, no, that means I have to be even better. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like the bar is now higher. | ||
| That's why you're scared to do a set at the Ice House. | ||
| Well, I'm just kind of like, and we've talked about this, I have an allergy to doing old material, and it makes me feel like a phony. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| You should give it to some people I know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can you spit in their mouth? | ||
| I feel... | ||
| That's a thing, by the way. | ||
| There's a lot of open your mouth so I can spit in it happening. | ||
| Do you guys think we like that? | ||
| I'm going to talk directly to camera. | ||
| There's a lot of let me spit in your mouth. | ||
| Actually, I'd rather you spit on my face. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Spitting in the mouth is like, then I have to swallow. | ||
| You mean sexually? | ||
| People spit in your mouth? | ||
| Yeah, a lot of spit in your mouth. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Let me spit in your mouth. | ||
| Don't. | ||
| When did cum in your mouth become so boring? | ||
| Now there's the spitting in the mouth. | ||
| There's a lot of spitting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sigh. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| A lot of spitting. | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| Degradation. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not... | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| I have heard, though. | ||
| I heard from a guy I know I'm obsessed with. | ||
| What's the most disrespectful thing a woman could do? | ||
| And I've had a couple guys say, spit in my face. | ||
| Just, I mean, in general. | ||
| Like, not sexual. | ||
| Oh, like a woman who doesn't like you? | ||
| Yeah, like, or if you're like, you know, this guy, I know his wife spit in his face when they were in a fight. | ||
| And he was like, I... He's like, it took every... | ||
| A molecule in my body not to... | ||
| Not to what? | ||
| Spit back or hit her? | ||
| Or just lose my mind and kill her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was his, the most disrespectful. | ||
| Because I'm always interested in what, you know, people... | ||
| Did he stay with her? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's still married. | ||
| Three kids. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What a bitch. | ||
| He's in the military. | ||
| Like, he's all about respect and whatever. | ||
| So she was trying to push those buttons. | ||
| But he's like, she can slap me all day long. | ||
| But spitting in my face, that is the most disrespectful thing you can do to a man. | ||
| It's a very dangerous thing when you get physical with people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Super dangerous. | ||
| It's very interesting. | ||
| I have a very high tolerance for physical disrespect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I mean, and I was dealing with this with my horse the other day. | ||
| Your horse was disrespecting you? | ||
| Well, horses, so you have to claim your space with a horse and you have to draw a boundary if you guys are going to be around because they can kill you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And I don't really do it with dogs. | ||
| You have to do it with dogs. | ||
| You should bring a taser. | ||
| I mean, yeah, you just sort of claim your space and they actually respect you more and like you more when you have self-respect and you have sort of your boundary or else they'll just walk all over you. | ||
| I mean, it's metaphorical. | ||
| You don't seem to have this problem in your life. | ||
| But with dogs, you also, for a dog to lay on top of you, that's dominant. | ||
| We mistake it as like, we're good. | ||
| But they're actually in your space, and they're like, oh, well, I own you now. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So a lot of times with my dogs, especially since I get rescue dogs who are unpredictable, and pit bulls have a very high arousal rate, so I can't just let them lay on me all night long and stuff. | ||
| I have to then go, now you're off of me, and you're my bitch. | ||
| I'm not your bitch. | ||
| Because that could backfire later. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, dogs are so weird when you rescue them because you just don't know what the fuck they had to deal with. | ||
| You just don't know. | ||
| Yeah, and I made some major mistakes of mistaking physical proximity with like trust and we'll be fine. | ||
| Yeah, especially when they're full grown. | ||
| Yeah, because if they get possessive of you or attached to you or we sometimes think that's like so cute, but sometimes it's actually dominant. | ||
| Well, it's also when you bring other people into your life, and then this dog decides that other people are stealing you from them, and they get aggressive towards the other person, it becomes an issue. | ||
| Yeah, well, I mean, it's really dogs are just extensions of their owner. | ||
| Like, you also have to let them know, like, I can talk to whoever the fuck I want, and you're not allowed to have a problem with it. | ||
| So they're not allowed to get possessive over you like that if you train them properly. | ||
| You know what's interesting? | ||
| That puppy that I got, the golden, we brought him home and he gives everyone kisses, everyone kisses, everyone kisses. | ||
| He's so sweet. | ||
| Then he gets to me and he wants to bite my face. | ||
| He bites my face and he plays super rough with me, like right away. | ||
| He was like nipping at me, not hard, like he wasn't hurting me, but he's like, you're so fun. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think he thinks I'm an animal. | ||
| Have you put his lip under his teeth? | ||
| No. | ||
| You put your lip just so that they learn how sharp their own teeth are. | ||
| And then also bite them back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's what I do, bite them back. | ||
| Yeah, I usually just put him on his back and go, hey, cut the shit from my face. | ||
| Yeah, hold him down with both of his, you know. | ||
| Yeah, and he's trying to bite me when I'm doing it. | ||
| Yeah, because their mouth is their hands. | ||
| Like, he's not trying to hurt you, he's just trying to hurt you. | ||
| No, he's sweet, but he thinks my six-year-old is a puppy. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| That's like his little puppy buddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, he bites her clothes and stuff. | ||
| We have to keep him from doing that. | ||
| And he's not being mean at all. | ||
| Well, they don't care about clothes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| What is that? | ||
| And they don't know until you tell them what is wrong. | ||
| People are so bad at training their dogs, it's shocking. | ||
| Like what I see just in the streets when I see someone with their dog, their dog's tugging and they're like, what are you doing? | ||
| I'm like, oh, is your dog the one that speaks English and no sarcasm? | ||
| Would you stop that? | ||
| It's just like the way you're saying it does not match what you're saying and that's not a command. | ||
| So I'm really into training dogs in a very rigorous way. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| You also have to, like, I'm teaching my kids, like, you can't, the dog doesn't understand his name being used a bunch of different ways. | ||
| Like, Marshall. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Marshall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep, agreed. | |
| Marshall. | ||
| I go, you gotta say no. | ||
| Children don't even understand that, and sarcasm, you know? | ||
| And, yeah, and people, I think, mistake, and they conflate discipline with, like, being mean to the dog or something. | ||
| It's just not true. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Discipline is so nice to a dog. | ||
| But also when I see people, I've seen some real disasters with placing dogs in homes where people don't train their kids how to deal with dogs. | ||
| A child's going to get their face bitten off. | ||
| I get so scared because people just let their kid hit the dog in the face and shake their face. | ||
| And I'm like, you have to train your child also. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially a dog dog. | ||
| There's a danger in bringing a dog around children in the first place. | ||
| A lot of times they think kids are like another dog. | ||
| And my dogs are giant. | ||
| My dog hurts me. | ||
| They hurt me by accident all of the time and I'm an adult. | ||
| Like I'll bend over to pick something up and they'll come by. | ||
| They headbutt you. | ||
| Yes, they don't mean to. | ||
| No, they just have iron heads. | ||
| Yeah, just block heads. | ||
| And so my big dog is a Great Dane Pitbull, and he just knocks me out. | ||
| Jesus Christ, that's a giant dog. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| So when kids come over, they go in the crates. | ||
| They're not going to attack them, but why do people want to take chances? | ||
| Let's take a selfie with the dog. | ||
| Just put it in a crate. | ||
| Super dangerous. | ||
| It's got razor blades in its mouth. | ||
| It's going to make a mistake sooner or later. | ||
| I used to be really naive about it, but... | ||
| It's interesting with German Shepherds, apparently, and Akita's. | ||
| I always say, if anything looks too much like a wolf, be fucking super careful around kids with it. | ||
| There's this guy that has really been helping me, this guy, Brandon McMillan. | ||
| He's got a show called Lucky Dog on CBS, and he taught me how to aggression test dogs with two leashes and stuff, because I was just getting these dogs from shelters that had been abused and stuff, and I'm like, my love isn't going to make you trained. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Like, living in the valley with a yard, that's gonna fix you. | ||
| It's not true. | ||
| So I've learned to sort of honor the neurology of dogs and their instincts, and they were wolves, and food comes first, and if they have a scarcity complex, like, they're gonna go after food, and if they've been abused, like, they have no reason to not protect themselves if they feel threatened. | ||
| Is that dog whisperer guy, that Cesar Millan guy, is he good? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, he's great. | ||
| Like, all these guys have, you know, I'm sure, like, any, like, fighting or anything, everyone's got, like, that's wrong, that's wrong. | ||
| Everyone's got their own. | ||
| Like, I've figured out what works for me, which is, like, basically positive reinforcement or just ignoring the dog when they do something wrong. | ||
| So the biggest punishment to a dog is just ignoring them. | ||
| When you hit them, you're actually giving them attention and confusing them. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| It's confusing to them, and it probably doesn't hurt. | ||
| They usually just lose respect for you because you've gotten in a situation where you're now hitting them, and they're just like, well, why did you let me do that yesterday? | ||
| You're the one that's inconsistent. | ||
| And then they just start to feel unsafe and anxious. | ||
| So when they do something wrong, just ignore them for 30 minutes, and they will fucking never do it again. | ||
| Do you read books on dogs? | ||
| I do read books on dogs. | ||
| Would you read books on more, people or dogs? | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I mean, your dog is a reflection. | ||
| Yeah, well, I was just thinking about it because I was like, recently, I mean, I read a lot of books on, like, addiction and, like, science. | ||
| A lot of books on them? | ||
| Yeah, and, like, neuroscience. | ||
| That's kind of, like, you know, I'm finishing that book, Sapiens, right now, which is kind of bad. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's about, like, um, what's the guy's name? | ||
| Seth, his last name? | ||
| Sethi or something? | ||
| It's basically about evolution and how we evolve to be the way we are. | ||
| His whole point is that we're... | ||
| Not his whole point. | ||
| One of them that I find interesting is that the reason we have so much anxiety is because we know that we're... | ||
| We implicitly know that we're only superficially at the top of the food chain. | ||
| We don't deserve to be at the top of the food chain without weapons. | ||
| If I'm in here with a gorilla alone, I'm going to lose real quickly. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| If I'm in here with a gun, I still might lose, actually. | ||
| But we're all kind of walking around with paper-thin skin and we're incredibly vulnerable. | ||
| But we just happen to have the animals that kill us in cages. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just think it's incredibly fascinating that anatomically similar humans who lived 10,000 years ago, as we were talking about with Cro-Magnons, who literally didn't have very many tools or weapons, I mean, didn't have guns for sure, and maybe, I mean, had atlatls or something like that. | ||
| I don't even think they had bows. | ||
| Find out when they invented the bow and arrow, Jamie. | ||
| Let's figure that out. | ||
| And the bow and arrow is also not a sure thing. | ||
| You got one chance. | ||
| If you miss, you know, you have another 10 minutes that you kind of, you know. | ||
| And you can panic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, how many times have you had to shoot a bow and arrow when your life depends on it, too? | ||
| I've never done it once. | ||
| But it's amazing that people before then, I mean, so let's go back even earlier than 10,000 years ago, probably not a whole lot of difference between those people and people 100,000 years ago, with the amount of tissue and the softness of the body and the vulnerability. | ||
| Like, it's kind of crazy that we even made it. | ||
| We're made of... | ||
| The fact that we get through the day without... | ||
| We're water balloons of blood. | ||
| Bees can kill us. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bees are the literally tiniest animal. | ||
| Okay, bow and arrow appears to transition from the Upper Paleolithic to the Mesolithic. | ||
| So, oldest elegant bow... | ||
| Hold on, what'd you do? | ||
| Extent bows in one piece are elm homogard bows from Denmark, which were dated to 9,000 BC. Huh. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| BCE. I like how they do that now. | ||
| Before current era. | ||
| It's not even about Jesus. | ||
| They're 71,000 years old. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Africa suggested arrows might be at least 71,000 years old. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That is crazy. | ||
| So they had arrows for like 50,000 years before they figured out the bow. | ||
| I mean, there's an epidemic of fear. | ||
| Gotta do something with this. | ||
| Has this always been here? | ||
| This epidemic of fear? | ||
| I mean, like, this election? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fear. | |
| I'm kidding, by the way. | ||
| I'm sure they had a bow, folks. | ||
| If people are tweeting right now. | ||
| Yeah, they're all just going fucking apes. | ||
| I understand history. | ||
| Fear has always been here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fear. | |
| I mean, the gun. | ||
| People want guns in their house all the time. | ||
| And I'm not against people. | ||
| People have guns. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Walls. | |
| It is what it is. | ||
| Jiu-jitsu. | ||
| But why are people so scared people are going to take their guns away from them? | ||
| They need the guns. | ||
| There's fear. | ||
| I'm fascinated by fear. | ||
| I have a theory. | ||
| My biggest theory is not just that some people live in bad neighborhoods, but also that we're dealing with the news of seven billion humans. | ||
| True. | ||
| That's just too much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And we see, now that we have the news, and we see so much negative things happening, that we have a false sense of how dangerous the world is. | ||
| And the news is all bad! | ||
| We're the safest we've ever been, and we're the scaredest we've ever been. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are we? | |
| I don't know if we're the scariest we've ever been, because a lot of people are on Xanax again. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| They'd be scared if they weren't on Xanax. | ||
| They'd be shitting their pants. | ||
| But everyone is like, you know, terrified all the time. | ||
| And it's just sort of an interesting thing, and trying to figure out what's a real fear and what's a sort of reptilian, irrational fear. | ||
| Well, it's what we were talking about before that one day, and probably not far from now, we're going to exist in some sort of a quasi-electronic state. | ||
| We're going to exist in some sort of a weird virtual state. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And then it's going to be interesting to see what that state is like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We'll be even more vulnerable because we'll have fucking Google glasses over our heads. | |
| And our fucking spinal cord will be connected to the matrix. | ||
| Yeah, we won't have peripheral vision anymore. | ||
| We're devolving. | ||
| In some way, for sure. | ||
| We're evolving into a more vulnerable thing, which is weird. | ||
| It's not necessarily that we're devolving, because we're not becoming more like animals. | ||
| We're becoming more like... | ||
| There was some study that came out that said that kids who play video games actually have faster reflexes than kids who don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that interesting? | ||
| That is. | ||
| Reflexes have to do with the mind and the hands reacting, hand-eye coordination. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| You have to move quick. | ||
| But physically, moving your body side to side, they don't have the dexterity or the strength to do that because they're fucking just stuck to the couch. | ||
| So it has to be a thumb war. | ||
| It can't be an actual threat. | ||
| I don't know what the threat was. | ||
| Well, Jamie was talking about how they're doing these E-teams for basketball that are going to do alongside the NBA. Like a fantasy team? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| They're going to play electronic basketball alongside real basketball games. | ||
| I was on the plane. | ||
| What were you saying? | ||
| Explain it. | ||
| Here. | ||
| In the NBA's eSports League, diversity means a new kind of athlete. | ||
| They haven't announced it fully because every team isn't fully locked into it yet right now, but the idea, I think, is that every team is going to have their own 5-on-5 video game team, and they're going to be responsible for signing good players, and there's going to be competitions. | ||
| Ideally, they want to have the finals in arenas, too, for this. | ||
| The finals in arenas? | ||
| They do for other games right now, like League of Legends. | ||
| Oh, they do like PewDiePie goes and plays in a Staples Center, sort of. | ||
| I'm terrified by the fact that we're outsourcing physical sports to our phones. | ||
| I sat next to a guy on the plane who was playing darts on his phone. | ||
| Darts. | ||
| What? | ||
| Literally, he was just sitting there moving his finger. | ||
| Did she show... | ||
| Whitney has a phone with a photo of this guy's... | ||
| So, yeah. | ||
| He's just... | ||
| That was the... | ||
| He thinks this is a sport. | ||
| Plus he's drinking. | ||
| He is shit... | ||
| Yeah, he got shit face on. | ||
| And he was also wearing shorts, which was really traumatizing for me. | ||
| But it was just this. | ||
| And I was like, the fact that you think this is a... | ||
| Thing. | ||
| He was basically just scrolling up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The fact that he thought he was good at darts. | ||
| Or he's just bored. | ||
| Yeah, he literally was like, yes! | ||
| Maybe just was freaking out about air travel, so he's getting drunk and medicated and he's distracting himself with this stupid game. | ||
| It scares me. | ||
| I worry that we're all just zombies. | ||
| I think you should stop being so scared. | ||
| Okay, you're right, you're right. | ||
| Just living this moment, Whitney. | ||
| Let's end this strong, because we've already done three hours. | ||
| Okay, okay, alright. | ||
| Let's end this strong. | ||
| Okay, what are we gonna do? | ||
| I'm gonna squirt. | ||
| If people are by some miracle still listening to this, you need to just... | ||
| I'm sure they are. | ||
| Do something. | ||
| Do something. | ||
| Do your thing. | ||
| Whitney, we've got to do this more often. | ||
| Get me out of here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is fun. | |
| This is embarrassing. | ||
| This is really fun. | ||
| It's not embarrassing at all. | ||
| You need more positive reinforcement in your personal life. | ||
| I'm writing a book. | ||
| I just sit home all day with my negative thoughts. | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| Don't do something negative. | ||
| Call me. | ||
| I'm here. | ||
| Don't worry about it. | ||
| You're going to be fine. | ||
| You're going to be fine. | ||
| Why did I write a book? | ||
| This is a stupid book. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're so crazy. | |
| Why did you let me do this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| If you cared about me, would you let me on your podcast? | ||
| You would have stopped me from doing this. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Everything's great. | ||
| You said to me, I said, I was like, did you write a book? | ||
| And you were like, yeah, I gave the money back. | ||
| It didn't work for me. | ||
| And I was like, all right, then I can still do it. | ||
| I should have listened to you. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| I mean, the problem that I had was editors. | ||
| They were trying to get me to write stand-up. | ||
| They said, I want you to write... | ||
| First of all, they wanted me to... | ||
| They said, look, you don't have to write anything. | ||
| We'll just take your stand-up and we'll transcribe it. | ||
| I go, that's crazy. | ||
| I've already done that. | ||
| Yeah, but they go, well, George Carlin did that and Jerry Seinfeld did that. | ||
| I don't care what they did. | ||
| I'm not doing that. | ||
| If I'm going to write something, I think it's a different kind of medium. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, it's also interesting because you're just sitting there bombing all day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's... | |
| There's no audience. | ||
| It's my worst nightmare. | ||
| I have to wait eight months to see if something's funny and people laugh in their living room. | ||
| I can't even tell. | ||
| And they have to pretend they hear you say it, too. | ||
| They have to have an imagination and tone and fuck all that. | ||
| I just have to go back to stand-up full-time because this is just madness. | ||
| Everybody wants to not do stand-up full-time. | ||
| Every comic works so hard to become a professional comic. | ||
| I learned my lesson. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| She's back. | ||
| I'm back. | ||
| Come to the Ice House. | ||
| I'm going to. | ||
| Tomorrow night. | ||
| Or Wednesday night. | ||
| Tomorrow I go to Orlando. | ||
| Don't be jealous. | ||
| But I'll come next time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll come in two weeks. | |
| I will. | ||
| I'll just go. | ||
| You heard it here, folks. | ||
| It's happening. | ||
| She'll be there in two weeks. | ||
| Come see me eat shit. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Thank you, bro. | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
| Whitney, not exactly happy with it. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| She's like, I don't believe it was awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No, no. | ||
| It was a disaster. | ||
| It was great! | ||
| I'm like, I was a disaster. | ||
| I'm a disaster. | ||
| Whitney was great. | ||
| You're awesome. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Bye, everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're the best. | |
| Oh, that was on? | ||
| I hate you! | ||
| I hate you! |
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