Sept. 6, 2016 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:42:31
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| You should say that on the podcast. | ||
| What were you just saying, young Tony Hinchcliffe? | ||
| That I love fanny packs and I've been using them continuously. | ||
| Yeah, that's right, folks. | ||
| Don't get scared. | ||
| The Illuminati and the elite, they want to keep you from embracing the fanny pack. | ||
| They want to emasculate you. | ||
| It's probably not them. | ||
| That's like our group name. | ||
| You've heard of the Rat Pack or the Fanny Pack. | ||
| Brian's never dared one. | ||
| Yeah, I have yours. | ||
| I wear it all the time. | ||
| I've never seen you wear it. | ||
| But you know what's cool is those little ones that stretch. | ||
| Have you ever seen those? | ||
| Oh, I've seen those. | ||
| Like, super small, and they stretch big, so you can put a couple things in it or nothing, and you can't really see it. | ||
| Yeah, those things are good for jogging. | ||
| They pull tight to you. | ||
| It's a smaller pocket, though. | ||
| See, the thing with these things is, if you travel as much as we do... | ||
| You just have all your shit in that thing and you just drop it off. | ||
| Just take any thought out of your head you might have about getting laid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That won't be happening. | ||
| If you are a single person, you're a single man. | ||
| Single girl could pull it off. | ||
| We don't give a fuck. | ||
| A girl had a penny pack would not make her any less hot. | ||
| No need to put a condom in a fanny pack. | ||
| You'll never use it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| Your fanny pack, though, isn't really cheesy or anything. | ||
| It's actually cool looking. | ||
| It's Roots. | ||
| Slim. | ||
| We sell them. | ||
| They put a higher Primate logo on it. | ||
| Roots does. | ||
| But it's a Roots fanny pack. | ||
| They are the ones that Dice was wearing. | ||
| That's how I found out about it. | ||
| Dice came in, and I had instant fanny pack envy. | ||
| I was like, what do you have here? | ||
| What do you have? | ||
| Oh, this is the one I got! | ||
| Oh, for fucking Canada! | ||
| When I'm in the line at TSA, I eyeball everybody that's emptying their pockets. | ||
| I just look at everybody and then I snap and drop it like a mic into the things that everybody just saw me. | ||
| And it zips up. | ||
| Your pockets don't zip up. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| Everything falls out of pockets on an airplane. | ||
| There's something about it. | ||
| I've worn it on stage maybe four times. | ||
| You've worn it on stage? | ||
| Yeah, I wore it on stage in Utah. | ||
| It gets in the way, though. | ||
| Flopping around if you're moving too much. | ||
| Yeah, there's certain places where I can't wear a fanny pack. | ||
| The only way it would work is if you actually moved it to your fanny, and there's just something about that that's not going to happen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're going to have a fanny pack, it's got to be in the front. | ||
| And waterproof. | ||
| Waterproof fanny packs might be next. | ||
| Why not shower with it? | ||
| Bar of soap in there, pull it out. | ||
| If you have like a secret and you keep it in that fanny pack, it's like a picture of your dick or something like that. | ||
| You don't want anybody having it. | ||
| An actual physical picture. | ||
| What was the one Bobby Kelly was wearing? | ||
| It was like one that went over your shoulders. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bandolero. | |
| Bandolero! | ||
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like a fanny pack that's on your chest. | |
| It's like for people who are scared of wearing a fanny pack so they pretend they're world travelers with skinny soles. | ||
| You know those dudes who wear like suede shoes of muted colors with thin soles? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know those kind of guys? | ||
| And they have like skinny pants on and then they wear like a satchel. | ||
| I have a satchel. | ||
| I just got back from Buenos Aires. | ||
| It's amazing this time of year. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy wore a satchel. | ||
| I like to take those people's satchels from them and just wear them around my waist. | ||
| Did you just turn my satchel into a fanny pack? | ||
| It's more of a butcher's apron. | ||
| Yeah, there's something about them. | ||
| For whatever reason, not only did they not catch on, they became gross. | ||
| Like, fanny packs are gross. | ||
| They're way more than didn't catch on. | ||
| Ooh, this man has a satchel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| This man is very involved in UNICEF and the Red Cross. | ||
| He goes to foreign lands and delivers malaria medicine. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| Oosh, there's something about you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I'm not on the Big Bang Theory, I carry around my satchel. | |
| I ought to blow a guy to get this roll. | ||
| What's in that saddle? | ||
| Just a bunch of dicks. | ||
| Pubic hair and dicks. | ||
| It's filled with cum. | ||
| 13 pounds of cum. | ||
| He's sloshless when he walks. | ||
| Alright, how much do you think it would weigh if that was filled with cum? | ||
| How heavy is cum? | ||
| It's a little thicker than water, so... | ||
| Probably about 9 pounds. | ||
| Gown of milk. | ||
| 9 pounds. | ||
| Well, I should know. | ||
| We had pictures of cum on Fear Factor. | ||
| It was actual pictures. | ||
| What kind of cum? | ||
| It was donkey cum. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Donkey cum is the cheapest cum you can get because donkeys are hybrids and they're not viable. | ||
| So that donkey cum is just useless. | ||
| When you had that much cum, did it separate? | ||
| You didn't have to blend it. | ||
| No. | ||
| You didn't have to shake it like a lemonade. | ||
| It's like a curdle at the top. | ||
| Scoop off. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, you didn't have to shake it. | ||
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
| Like some of those energy drinks that you mix in a water bottle and then it settles to the bottom. | ||
| No, cum is just cum. | ||
| It's basically cock snot. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Those girls, one of them drank a glass of cum and one drank a glass of urine. | ||
| There's two times ever doing that show where I was like, what in the fuck are you doing? | ||
| You can't do this. | ||
| You guys are going too far. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| That's Donkey Cum? | ||
| Donkey Cum. | ||
| A whole beer mug full of Donkey Cum. | ||
| God, I miss that show. | ||
| Somebody sat down. | ||
| This is how crazy this show was. | ||
| Somebody sat down, said, I got an idea. | ||
| I started pitching that people would have to drink Donkey Cum. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It blows my mind that it was on NBC. Yeah, and then other people said, yeah, I like what you're saying. | |
| Makes sense. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| NBC is as mainstream as it gets. | ||
| Like, hey, after you're done enjoying Donkey Cum, watch the nightly news with Tom Brokaw. | ||
| God, as mainstream as possible. | ||
| And the girl did it. | ||
| She's pretending like she didn't love it, though. | ||
| She liked it. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| It's not even our first time drinking Donkey Kong. | ||
| Dude, it was so ridiculous. | ||
| That's a shit I would love to have seen. | ||
| The Donkey there? | ||
| Such a ridiculous show. | ||
| The show was so silly. | ||
| That's overkill, like being able to look at the Donkey. | ||
| Oh, the guy. | ||
| I love that you're just yelling at these guys. | ||
| Come on, chug it! | ||
| That guy just chugged it so quick. | ||
| Now they're hugging, they're getting calm on each other. | ||
| So strange. | ||
| It's just, it's so, then they get to throw up. | ||
| They have to hold it in their mouth for like a few seconds or something. | ||
| His buddy's throwing up and he didn't even drink it. | ||
| I don't need to relive this, Jay. | ||
| We could stop this right now. | ||
| This is so unnecessary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's incredible. | |
| Incredible. | ||
| It's just amazing that that was an actual show. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's amazing, as amazing to me as it is to anybody that was watching it. | ||
| It doesn't even feel like it was me. | ||
| Like, I watch it now, and even though I know it was me, I'm like, I didn't do that. | ||
| It's crazy because most shows, like, for comedians to host suck and aren't fun at all. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But that show seems like it was, you were surprised. | ||
| Like, it's like, you get to watch, you're like, oh, we're making these people drink. | ||
| Donkey come today? | ||
| Like, how do you not enjoy that? | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| It's hard to drink. | ||
| You gotta help these people. | ||
| You gotta root them on. | ||
| Out of all the things on Fear Factor, did you ever, like, sample anything? | ||
| Like, dip your finger in anything and try it? | ||
| Yeah, I ate a bunch of shit. | ||
| The first episode, I felt bad. | ||
| The people had to eat sheep's eyeballs. | ||
| I said I would eat one, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Just for a goof. | ||
| But I don't even think we put that on camera. | ||
| I just said I would do it for you guys. | ||
| Did it taste bad? | ||
| It's a sheep joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You son of a bitch! | |
| You fucking can't help yourself. | ||
| You literally can't help yourself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| No, it didn't taste that bad. | ||
| It was not that big a deal. | ||
| It's more of in your head than anything. | ||
| I ate a tomato hornworm. | ||
| Again, all in your head. | ||
| The actual taste, not that bad. | ||
| Not that big a deal. | ||
| Those were the big ones that popped in your mouth. | ||
| Yeah, it exploded in my mouth. | ||
| Didn't taste bad at all. | ||
| It's like nothing. | ||
| Cockroach. | ||
| I had a big-ass cockroach. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| A Madagascar hissing cockroach. | ||
| Was it alive? | ||
| Well, there was a young lady that was on the show, and she was going to get kicked off if she didn't do something else. | ||
| She had to do something to stay in the show. | ||
| It was all for charity, right? | ||
| Because it was a celebrity fear factor. | ||
| Allison Sweeney, I believe her name is, from Days of Our Lives. | ||
| And so I said, look, if you eat one of these roaches, I don't know who came up with this idea. | ||
| Someone in the office. | ||
| I'm like, if you eat one of these roaches, you can stay. | ||
| And she said, I can't eat a roach. | ||
| I go, what about a worm? | ||
| I go, what about two worms? | ||
| I think we made a deal. | ||
| Maybe she ate two worms or something like that? | ||
| And I had to eat a roach. | ||
| So stupid. | ||
| It's just such a ridiculous show. | ||
| But anyway, the point is, this roach tasted like nothing. | ||
| It's like, there's nothing. | ||
| Look at you, you got it. | ||
| It made me cough, because of like, all the little legs. | ||
| I was kind of, I thought. | ||
| But all the little legs and the parts and stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Why would you do that? | ||
| You love it. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Ooh, a Baldwin brother. | ||
| Yeah, the Baldwin brother. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Steven. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| Very nice guy. | ||
| I would have loved to have seen him. | ||
| He won. | ||
| He did? | ||
| Yeah, he won. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was a funny dude. | ||
| He's all ate up with the Jesus, though. | ||
| He's with pro-Jesus? | ||
| Oh, all up with Jesus. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, he's like a big Jesus, like a proselytizer. | ||
| He does like retreats and shit or something like that. | ||
| Very Jesus-oriented individual. | ||
| But a happy guy. | ||
| Very nice guy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kirk Cameron style. | ||
| No, not that far. | ||
| No? | ||
| Kirk Cameron's in some wacky place where they, you know, look at a banana and they go, this has to be a sign of God. | ||
| Look how the banana fits in your hand. | ||
| It is the perfect shape. | ||
| Note how it peels. | ||
| Designed by the creator himself to fit in your hands. | ||
| Have you ever seen that? | ||
| Ray Comfort explains a banana. | ||
| We gotta watch this, because this is his boy. | ||
| Like, these two guys, they get together and they don't fuck. | ||
| They just look at each other and they want to and no one does anything and they just keep doing it night after night. | ||
| They just talk about Jesus and stare into each other's eyes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But this is his buddy that he does- Daniel Baldwin. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| The other one. | ||
| Kirk Cameron. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| This is his buddy. | ||
| It's like off the deep end Jesus guy. | ||
| And this is the guy that he holds up a fucking banana. | ||
| And it's the atheist's nightmare, he says. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, this is a banana, and it is the atheist's nightmare. | |
| The atheist's nightmare. | ||
| If you study a well-made banana, you'll find on the far side, there are three ridges. | ||
| On the close side, two ridges. | ||
| If you get your hand ready to grip a banana, you'll find on the far side, there are three grooves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
On the close side, two grooves. | |
| The banana and the hand are perfectly made one for the other. | ||
| You'll find the maker of the banana, Almighty God, has made it with a non-slip surface. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It has outward indicators of inward contents. | |
| Green, too early. | ||
| Yellow, just right. | ||
| Black, too late. | ||
| Now, if you go to the top of the banana, you'll find, as were the soda can makers, they placed a tab at the top, so God has placed a tab at the top. | ||
| When you pull the tab, the contents don't squirt in your face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'll find the wrapper, which is biodegradable, has perforations. | |
| Notice how gracefully it sits over the human hand. | ||
| Notice it has a point at the top for ease of entry. | ||
| It's just the right shape for the human mouth. | ||
| It's chewy, easy to digest, and it's even curved toward the face to make the whole process so much easier. | ||
| Seriously, Kurt, the whole of creation testifies to the genius of God's creative heart. | ||
| Kurt was about to jump in. | ||
| Oh, you just totally made sense. | ||
| What you said wasn't fucking ridiculous at all. | ||
| Look how Jesus designed this banana. | ||
| Does that get us kicked off YouTube? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We're going to have to edit that out? | ||
| We're going to have to edit it out. | ||
| Yeah, most likely. | ||
| It's not our content. | ||
| And we don't want to get booted off YouTube. | ||
| But, um, Ray Comfort Banana. | ||
| Google it. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| God, it's awesome. | ||
| All the god shit to the side. | ||
| Like, it is sort of crazy, if you think about fruits, how amazing they are. | ||
| Like, it's like candy in a wrapper. | ||
| You know... | ||
| Well, it's like a delivery system trick. | ||
| It's like there's seeds inside these plants, and if you eat it, it goes through your body, you shit it out, so it literally comes with manure. | ||
| It's got a seed, it's got some manure, it's got shit, so the seed can grow in. | ||
| It literally comes out with fertilizer. | ||
| There's a way, especially with animals like undulates, like cows and stuff like that, they're shitting out almost like mulch. | ||
| They're shitting out compost. | ||
| I mean, you take cows' shit and you take that shit and you grow things with it. | ||
| I mean, it's a great fertilizer. | ||
| People use it on their crops. | ||
| So it's, in a lot of ways, I would imagine, this is just me thinking, that this is what it is. | ||
| It's like some sort of a transportation device for seeds, right? | ||
| Doesn't that make sense? | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I never thought of it that way, though. | ||
| They're like animals eat the seeds and then they're pooping out the next thing. | ||
| Bananas don't have seeds. | ||
| No, don't. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| If it was really Jesus's, if it was really an atheist nightmare, I think there'd be seeds in there. | ||
| No, it's seedless. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| If bananas had seeds, they'd be bunk, man. | ||
| Fits in the mouth perfect. | ||
| I wonder if that dummy knows that we've actually, like, changed the shape of bananas. | ||
| Go look at a wild banana. | ||
| Those little scrubby-ass, bitch-ass bananas. | ||
| Those aren't like those dull bananas. | ||
| Those big Whopper bananas were like, jeez, those GMO bananas that you can hit now. | ||
| Yeah, they're just sprayed with steroids. | ||
| They're like a ten-year-old's arm. | ||
| Like, these GMO bananas are fucking ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, the Brock Lesnar of bananas. | ||
| Yeah, tell that to Ray Comfort. | ||
| He doesn't understand agriculture. | ||
| Silly fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The way Jesus made this banana is incredible, isn't it? | |
| It's just such a strange argument. | ||
| But it's just- if that's what you want to believe, if you really want to believe that God designed a banana so perfectly to let you know that it's food, explain coconuts. | ||
| Coconuts are fucking awesome for you. | ||
| It's so hard to get to them. | ||
| You gotta chop through that husk and pull away all that bullshit that's on the outside. | ||
| Climb a huge tree first. | ||
| You gotta crack them open. | ||
| And then you gotta take the milk out and the meat. | ||
| And you gotta like scoop the meat of it up. | ||
| And if you want to get the oil, or you want to take all that coconut and turn it into coconut oil? | ||
| Oh, what a pain in the dick that's gonna be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Have you seen certain foods that are going to get more and more expensive because of global warming and stuff like that? | ||
| The price of chocolate and the price of coffee is just going to go through the roof. | ||
| Pistachios, I guess, this year were on a shortage, so you're going to see pistachios double in price in the next couple months. | ||
| It's really weird what foods are on the endangered species list, almost. | ||
| Maybe we shouldn't live in a place that's really fucking hot right now when the earth is getting hotter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, what the fuck is LA going to be like? | ||
| LA's going to be like Phoenix, right? | ||
| Like Phoenix is like a bump hotter than LA. Definitely. | ||
| Wouldn't you say? | ||
| Yeah, a lot. | ||
| Yeah, like a bump. | ||
| A good solid bump. | ||
| But everything's shifted. | ||
| Earthquakes, hurricanes, everything's kind of like... | ||
| Oklahoma had an earthquake the other day. | ||
| Yeah, but that's because of fracking. | ||
| Yeah, that is no joke, man. | ||
| They're having so many earthquakes because of fracking. | ||
| I think Oklahoma just put a pause... | ||
| I don't know if it's a pause on drilling new wells or it's a pause on like it can't be a pause on operating the wells. | ||
| I think it is. | ||
| I think it's like 41 different fracking sites. | ||
| Oh really? | ||
| Well, let's find out what it is. | ||
| Young Jamie. | ||
| They're going crazy with fracking. | ||
| Ohio's been doing it and they've been getting earthquakes too. | ||
| Isn't it crazy? | ||
| It's like we get most of the oil now, I guess, from Earth here, from America? | ||
| Oklahoma ordered shut down of 37 wells after earthquake. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| And then there's been like the Iraqi... | ||
| Look how hot this girl is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's so hot. | |
| Telling you the news. | ||
| That's the new thing. | ||
| All newscasters are super hot. | ||
| CNN has this like supermodel lady. | ||
| She's beautiful. | ||
| Have you ever seen the Fox News girls? | ||
| They're all like seven feet tall blonde. | ||
| Let's not listen to her, but let's watch her face move. | ||
| Yeah, they're just getting the hottest women. | ||
| The Mexican weather girl with a butt. | ||
| Oh my god, I've seen that lady. | ||
| I love her. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| But that's kind of like a gimmick, right? | ||
| And that's Mexico. | ||
| This is CNN. They're just hiring the best looking people. | ||
| Yeah, you know there's a bunch of... | ||
| The super sexy, light-skinned black chick... | ||
| Beautiful lips. | ||
| And she's talking to this man, well, I believe in Jesus, and Jesus wants us to dig oil. | ||
| Look at my tie. | ||
| Look at my haircut. | ||
| It's conservative, as is my approach to language. | ||
| Ma'am, you won't hear me using any forbidden words. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, we need to keep the oil prices low. | |
| The way to keep the oil prices low is to continue safe and ethical fracking. | ||
| And that's what we're going to do. | ||
| Meanwhile, get back to the hot chick. | ||
| Let me see her face. | ||
| You don't get to see it. | ||
| What the fuck are they doing? | ||
| Like all these shows like Fox News and all the- there's- There's gotta be something to like the fact that propaganda being delivered by someone who is so hot you just want to stare at them. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Like those Fox Ice Queens. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| There's a bunch of them that are just like, they're so hot. | ||
| You just want to look at their face. | ||
| Like little kids get compelled to look at pretty women's faces. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah. | |
| Fox News has a bunch of stuff strategically to keep you watching. | ||
| Like spinning things and it's all like, it's all mental. | ||
| Dude, we were watching once, and who was it? | ||
| Was it the Megyn Kelly lady that was crossing and uncrossing her legs like 30 fucking times? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And she's wearing this little skirt. | ||
| Fine, it might not have been her. | ||
| It might have been one of those other hotties. | ||
| That was hot. | ||
| One of those other Fox hotties. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it was ridiculous, because she's wearing literally, like, she's got a napkin over her vagina. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's a small napkin. | ||
| I mean, it's not as much of a skirt at all. | ||
| She has these super long legs and high heels on. | ||
| And she's doing... | ||
| Does she have a little bush? | ||
| Could you see her eye? | ||
| No, you don't get a chance to see. | ||
| She's very calculated. | ||
| Very calculated. | ||
| But if I was sitting with a dude who moved his legs that much, I'd be like, bro, are you okay? | ||
| Why do you keep crossing your legs like a fucking cricket? | ||
| You trying to sing me a song? | ||
| You see the girl that was twerking and her butt popped open in her underwear? | ||
| Yes, I did see that. | ||
| That was a good one. | ||
| Was that on Fox News? | ||
| I don't think that's related. | ||
| I don't think Brian watches Fox News. | ||
| They say Fox News is hurting. | ||
| That's what I keep hearing. | ||
| Fox News is hurting. | ||
| I watch Reuters. | ||
| And who was it that was saying that they had heard... | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I'm trying to remember who was telling me this. | ||
| Me. | ||
| Was it you? | ||
| I think so, yeah. | ||
| Were you telling me the thing about Trump and a television network? | ||
| I was trying to remember where I heard it, and I think it was a radio show or something, but there's a lot of people he's at, like Sean Hannity, and I think the guy that's taking over his campaign that used to run Fox, are taking over his spot. | ||
| I don't know how they're going to transition if he loses, but that a Trump news channel is going to be started up next year, at the end of this year. | ||
| Trump news channel? | ||
| 24-hour Trump news channel. | ||
| Here's what he does. | ||
| If he was smart, I mean, he's obviously smart, right? | ||
| He's obviously really good at making money. | ||
| He's obviously, whatever you can say about the outrageous shit that he says, that guy's ridiculously successful. | ||
| Ridiculously, right? | ||
| I mean, yeah, his dad gave him a big loan to start out with, but what the fuck ever. | ||
| At the end of the day, that guy's ridiculously successful. | ||
| If he wanted to open a television cable network and use that as a platform to set him up for four years from now, I don't like the kind of fucking shit that he would say about Hillary and other candidates that no one would have the balls to say. | ||
| He takes it to this non-political place. | ||
| You know, like he insults Hillary Clinton all the time. | ||
| He calls her Crooked Hillary. | ||
| Has there ever been two presidential candidates where one of them had nicknames for all the other people? | ||
| No, he's a genius. | ||
| He made fun of everybody. | ||
| Lying Ted. | ||
| And he keeps repeating it and it becomes like that's who she is. | ||
| That's Crooked Hillary. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| It's amazing what he did. | ||
| If she just started calling him, like, Orange Donald or something, it'd be killer. | ||
| She could really fire back. | ||
| She needs a little, like, roast help. | ||
| Because he's digging in deep. | ||
| It's not just that. | ||
| There's an uncomfortable sound that she makes when she speaks, when she gives speeches. | ||
| They're not soothing, and they don't draw you in. | ||
| Like, as much as she is way more qualified to be a leader than he is, right, knows way more about foreign policy, knows way more about how Washington works, she's deep, right? | ||
| She'd be a way more qualified leader. | ||
| There's something about the quality of her voice. | ||
| She needs to drink some donkey cum. | ||
| Which, by the way, isn't that the Democratic... | ||
| If she wins, I think you're going to jail for that. | ||
| That's the Democratic... | ||
| I like her just because she at least has Bill. | ||
| But Bill's not Bill anymore, man. | ||
| He's Bill enough. | ||
| He's kind of the stand back and take naps in the background guy now. | ||
| Have you noticed that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a speech he was giving and he was falling asleep in the middle of the speech. | ||
| And you know, he's just in really poor health apparently. | ||
| His body's just not doing so well. | ||
| That's what happens when the blowjobs stop. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You can't have fun anymore. | ||
| You just can't help yourself. | ||
| I mean, it's true. | ||
| He was a machine back in the day. | ||
| He just came too much. | ||
| He's all dried out. | ||
| Hang on, Elvin Laird. | ||
| Just dried out. | ||
| Just shot so many loads. | ||
| Poor guy. | ||
| Well, he was a two-term president. | ||
| I wouldn't say poor guy. | ||
| He was the best. | ||
| Guy made a mad run for it. | ||
| I mean, regardless of all the dick pulling out and all that stuff, he's a madman. | ||
| What do you expect from a madman? | ||
| He's doing some madman type shit. | ||
| All I remember is everybody was taking vacations, owning houses, and gas prices were like 45 cents a gallon. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So, I mean, he should... | ||
| I don't know enough. | ||
| I don't know enough about the economic cycles, but I do know that the people that are smart that talk about it say that there's like these upturns and downturns that you can almost calculate. | ||
| They're just gonna happen. | ||
| We have a weird economy, and that these people that are the experts, they can kind of predict how things start happening, and deregulation moves things along a little bit, and this moves things along, tax incentives moves things along a little further, but then somewhere along the line, the house of cards comes falling down. | ||
| They say the big one was the mortgage crisis of 2008. We avoided an even bigger one with the commercial real estate crisis. | ||
| They were saying that they were worried about that more than anything. | ||
| Because if you drive... | ||
| Down, like, any place in the valley. | ||
| Just go drive down the valley and look at all the buildings for sale. | ||
| Look at all the buildings for lease. | ||
| It's way more than you used to see. | ||
| Like, as you're driving down, you see available for lease, available, for sale, available, available, available. | ||
| You see available, like, all over the fucking place. | ||
| Like, that could fall apart too, man. | ||
| Apparently that's a big one. | ||
| Apparently there's like a lot of people that are like leveraging all these commercial properties and moving things around, selling things here, but there's a lot of vacant office shit. | ||
| Well, there's this whole flip your house movement, too. | ||
| And those channels. | ||
| When I'm at hotels and stuff, I end up sticking on it. | ||
| They're trying to convince everybody that they can just go buy a house and flip it and sell it. | ||
| Make money. | ||
| It's so easy. | ||
| Look, you just come in, tear down a wall, and then sell it for twice as much more. | ||
| Yeah, they're characters, too, right? | ||
| They're all like, I'm going to do my own grout. | ||
| And out there laying tiles and shit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they edit it down to make it look like it took 12 seconds on a TV. Yeah. | ||
| This Old House, remember that? | ||
| That was one of my favorite shows growing up with Bob Vila. | ||
| And that's pretty much the original Flipping House show, but they made it a whole story almost. | ||
| It went on for days. | ||
| What happened to Bob Vila? | ||
| Is he alive? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| That is a good question. | ||
| I forgot about him. | ||
| That guy was huge. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| He was a hero. | ||
| Yeah, this old house was like a giant show, right? | ||
| Well, at least it was for me growing up because we watched it every day. | ||
| That and the Antique Roadshow is another one that I just love on PBS. It was for me too. | ||
| He's still rocking. | ||
| That might not be real. | ||
| One million followers. | ||
| It is. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Verified. | ||
| Handsome bastard. | ||
| He looks exactly the same. | ||
| Cleaner AC coils mean higher efficiency and lower energy bills. | ||
| How clean are yours? | ||
| I just had that one of those air conditionings, fuck me for life. | ||
| Fucked you? | ||
| Yeah, because it has like a drain and it's supposed to be tilted a little so it could drip out. | ||
| Mine was dripping the other way. | ||
| Like I didn't even know it was going underneath my carpet. | ||
| So now it got underneath to my wood floors and now there's big buckles. | ||
| So when you walk, it's like speed bumps underneath my carpet. | ||
|
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|
And there's probably black mold in there and probably gonna die. | |
| Is that how black mold is from that, right? | ||
| Like water? | ||
| It's from moisture. | ||
| Yeah, from water damage. | ||
| But it has to be present. | ||
| You know, it has to be present and then it can grow. | ||
| Like, I know, well, Tom Likas was a big one because he would talk about it on television. | ||
| Or on the radio, rather. | ||
| Like, his whole house had to be gutted. | ||
| Like, down to the studs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| That was in Hollywood. | ||
| He's feeling like shit for years. | ||
| Just like, just health was poor, just really didn't have any energy, trying to figure out what the fuck was going on. | ||
| And they brought in a black mold specialist and they're like, dude, your fucking house is infected. | ||
| So he's breathing in all these spores. | ||
| These black mold spores just being poisoned all the time. | ||
| Do they have home tests for that? | ||
| I bet you anything I have so much black mold. | ||
| Black mold matters. | ||
| You fucking son of a bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You son of a bitch. | |
| Gotta keep an eye on it. | ||
| You can't help the jokes. | ||
| They come. | ||
| They just come. | ||
| Yeah, man, I think they do a lot of testing for it. | ||
| You should probably get it checked out. | ||
| Some people have it, man. | ||
| Do you ever see one of Jim Norton? | ||
| Jim Norton, was it Jim and Bobby? | ||
| Jim and Bobby Kelly lived in an apartment, and they had black mold on the wall so bad that you would take the picture off the wall, and it was just like you could see it all over behind the picture. | ||
| It's probably not. | ||
| Is it as common, though, in Los Angeles, since we're a desert and everything's dry, you know? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I think if there's water, like if you have water damage, like say if you have a leaky pipe or something like that for long periods of time, see that shit dripping down? | ||
| That's black mold juice. | ||
| Those lines. | ||
|
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|
Oh my god. | |
| Now watch, they pick up the, uh, it's, um, Cribs. | ||
| Jim Norton is, uh, if you want to find it. | ||
| That's the video. | ||
| And they say, brace yourself, so they push it aside, and the fucking wall is just covered with black mold behind the photo. | ||
| I mean, like, someone spray-painted all over it. | ||
| You need a priest to come in and give an exorcist to your house. | ||
| How did it happen, though? | ||
| Like, what was leaking? | ||
| They're slobs. | ||
| They're fucking slobs. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Somebody might have come on that picture. | ||
| You know, it's Jim Norton. | ||
| Who the hell knows? | ||
| He's a savage. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| He's playing chess, listening to CDs. | ||
| CDs. | ||
| That's pretty much your apartment, Red Band. | ||
| Yeah, it looks like my apartment. | ||
| Every comedian's apartment. | ||
| Pretty much every comedian. | ||
| Ridiculous people. | ||
| Yeah, that black mold's no joke. | ||
| Don't get it in your life, Tony Hinchglove. | ||
| I keep an eye on all the black mold. | ||
| Yeah, it's, um, I don't think, is there more than one variety of black mold? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| And does it have to be, like, water damage for a long time? | ||
| Because I'm sure if it's underneath my carpet, it probably dried out, you know, if I caught it. | ||
| Yeah, could be. | ||
| Could be. | ||
| I don't know enough. | ||
| I don't know enough. | ||
| You know, I know that mold and spores thrive in moist conditions, you know, like the forest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I have no idea, man. | ||
| That's creepy stuff. | ||
| That's creepy. | ||
| Yeah, fungus and mold and shit like that, it's just so weird. | ||
| There's like these life forms that live on life forms, you know? | ||
| They're like, you leave a pair, leave it sitting around somewhere and forget about it, come back in a couple of days, and it's got this little green civilization growing on it. | ||
| Like, who are you? | ||
| Where'd you guys come from? | ||
| Like, what are you doing here? | ||
| Unlike the banana, which has a skin that protects it from these things, because Jesus loves bananas. | ||
| You gave him a southern accent, even though he's from New Zealand. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| It's an interesting choice. | ||
| I ate a bunch of mold the other day. | ||
| It was late at night and we bought strawberries. | ||
| Underneath the strawberry was green and stuff. | ||
| I had no idea because it was dark. | ||
| I was eating strawberries and the next day I go in to get some more and I'm like, they're all moldy. | ||
| I'm like, was I eating moldy? | ||
| Yeah, I was. | ||
| You were eating moldy strawberries in the dark? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's probably not even that bad for you. | ||
| It's probably just all in your head. | ||
| I mean, otherwise people would be dying left and right, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| Because everybody eats strawberries and doesn't pay attention. | ||
| Or blueberries. | ||
| Blueberries, they always have fucking mold on them. | ||
| Cheese. | ||
| Sometimes blueberries have mold, like, right when you buy them. | ||
| Like, you buy them and bring them home. | ||
| You're like, fuck, you're already moldy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Trader Joe's. | ||
| A lot of times cheese, too. | ||
| Like, you'll eat a slice of cheese and now you don't realize half of it's white and green. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mmm. | |
| Well, some cheese is supposed to be that way. | ||
| No, that's just you, Brian. | ||
| Nobody else is eating green cheese. | ||
| Well, where are you leaving your cheese? | ||
| I remember my mom would always say, just pull off the mold part and just, you know, it's still good. | ||
| I wonder if that's true. | ||
| You ever pull a piece of cheese out of the glove compartment and it's green, you're eating it? | ||
| I just don't think that the kind of mold that we're talking about is toxic. | ||
| I just bet it's not. | ||
| Like, Jamie, look up mold on strawberries. | ||
| Is it okay to eat moldy food? | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| May have invisible bacteria along with the mold. | ||
| Yes, some molds cause allergic reactions, respiratory problems, and a few molds in the right conditions produce mycotoxins, poisonous substances that can make you sick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Okay, just Google strawberries. | ||
| Moldy strawberries. | ||
| Can you eat moldy strawberries? | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Google, can Brian Redman eat moldy strawberries? | ||
| So you've done something like this before, like your fruit had mold, and it's just like, I just bought this also. | ||
| So have you ate mold also, Joe? | ||
| Um, sure I have. | ||
| Quick answer. | ||
| The most likely result of eating moldy fruit is absolutely nothing unless the person eating the mold is allergic. | ||
| However, while the majority of molds are not dangerous, moldy fruit is more likely to be spoiled and spoiled fruit may cause illness. | ||
| Because mold may form on fruit without the fruit spoiling, simply cutting the moldy area off is also a solution. | ||
| Most molds are not harmful. | ||
| Some are even beneficial. | ||
| In fact, mold is actually a form of fungus similar to mushrooms. | ||
| Mold grows in damp environments and fruit skin. | ||
| Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Interesting. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| I've always been scared of mold. | ||
| Well, fungus in general is a freaky, freaky organism because it's not really a plant. | ||
| A fungus actually breathes in oxygen and breathes out carbon dioxide. | ||
| And they say it's closer to an animal than it is to a plant in like what it is, like what kind of a being it is. | ||
| Very, very bizarre. | ||
| Well, what magic mushrooms does to the brain, I mean, there's definitely some stuff going on there. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, that feels like you're communicating with like... | ||
| It's like you tap in through this organism to this matrix of like... | ||
| Not just like plant intelligence, but the intelligence of the actual Earth itself. | ||
| It feels almost like you're being transmitted in a way where you can now understand all these things that are around you all the time, but they're muted because you just lack the ability to perceive them. | ||
| Like the Earth itself, like we walk around and we're like, wow, it's so pretty today. | ||
| But you don't really feel what the Earth is. | ||
| The way you feel it when you're on mushrooms. | ||
| When you're on mushrooms, you feel the actual grass as like a type of an organism. | ||
| There's a thing like this. | ||
| The grass, it stops being like a couple of leaves and some dirt and some water. | ||
| And then it becomes instead this feeling like you're connected to this almost like... | ||
| Like a circuit, you know, like a biological circuit. | ||
| That's what like a beautiful, thick lawn feels like when you're on mushrooms. | ||
| Like when you're standing in it, you feel like you're connected to this very strange life form. | ||
| And that is what it is. | ||
| I mean, that's not even a hallucinatory sort of feeling. | ||
| But I think pretty much everybody that does any sort of psychedelic, plant-based psychedelic, like mushrooms, animal-based, whatever you want to call it, fungus-based... | ||
| You reach these weird places where you go, okay, am I talking to that thing? | ||
| Did I eat that thing? | ||
| That thing's talking to me now? | ||
| Is it communicating with me through me digesting it? | ||
| Is that what's happening? | ||
| Does it let me go into some strange dimension when I eat it? | ||
| It is amazing. | ||
| I miss this year's Shroom Fest. | ||
| That's normally the one time a year where I do it. | ||
| We go out in the desert, but I was on the road or something. | ||
| And I miss it, man. | ||
| I'm overdue for one. | ||
| It's like you'll be so connected to the universe and you feel it and you just try to remember what happened. | ||
| You try to stay in that, but it goes away. | ||
| And it's amazing because you're out in the desert, or at least that's where I normally do it, and you're looking at the rocks and the moon and the stars are just beaming out there. | ||
| And you'll feel, you know, as lost in the universe as ever. | ||
| And then all of a sudden you'll hear like one of your buddies fart. | ||
| You'll come back and laugh for 20 minutes straight about it. | ||
| Yeah, it's a very strange life form. | ||
| Very strange thing that you take into your body that does that. | ||
| There's a gang of them, too. | ||
| It's just so weird. | ||
| So, I don't, you know, I really don't know what's going on with that. | ||
| Isn't it crazy that it comes from cow poop? | ||
| Yeah, well, that's where it grows. | ||
| It doesn't really come from it, but it grows really good on it. | ||
| Because the stomach of a cow, I guess, the double unulate, you know, they make that stuff, that manure. | ||
| It's just so rich for things to grow in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So rich. | |
| Did I do the thing with my finger? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a spicy meatball. | |
| This is the kind of fucking manure that you're gonna need to grow these mushrooms. | ||
| This is the manure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These cows are just eating alfalfa all day. | |
| Alfalfa. | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
| Mushrooms just grow. | ||
| When Duncan went to school, Duncan went to school in super hippyville. | ||
| He grew up in Asheville, North Carolina, which is a fucking great town. | ||
| Have you ever worked Asheville? | ||
| You gotta come with me to Asheville. | ||
| Asheville's fucking... | ||
| I almost don't want to tell people about it because I don't want people moving there and ruining it. | ||
| Because it's like you could walk around. | ||
| Like it's a small town. | ||
| But the people are cool as fuck. | ||
| And it's like a part of the community of the college, of the university. | ||
| And the university is super lefty. | ||
| Super lefty, like super hippies. | ||
| All like Duncans. | ||
| Living up there in the mountains of North Carolina in some of the most beautiful landscape you're ever going to see in your life. | ||
| Just out and out. | ||
| Amazing scenery. | ||
| Incredible scenery. | ||
| I love that there's still places like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, it's crazy. | ||
| Like, my buddy Little Landy with the glasses, he's from South Carolina, and he went home to visit his family, and he's walking around the park with his mom, and Bill Murray's just sitting on a bench. | ||
| Where was he? | ||
| Just chilling. | ||
| Wherever in South Carolina where Bill Murray lives, that's where he's from, too. | ||
| I thought Bill Murray lived in, like, the upper... | ||
| On the East River or one of the rivers, he lives like upstate New York. | ||
| There was a whole Anthony Bourdain episode about it. | ||
| He lives like way the fuck up there, up a river. | ||
| Maybe he was just hanging out in this place. | ||
| Maybe he lives in a bunch of places. | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's just a baller. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Bill Murray Anthony. | ||
| Oh, Beauty of Charleston, South Carolina. | ||
| Oh, you know what? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| This was the new episode that he did. | ||
| He moved to a new place. | ||
| And Bill Murray does not have a girlfriend. | ||
| He's like, this dude, he's like, yeah, I'll just be by myself. | ||
| Just leave me alone, please. | ||
| I'm just gonna go have my life. | ||
| He did this interview about it where he's talking about it. | ||
| He's like, I'm not really interested in all that goes along with that. | ||
| He did it, man. | ||
| He's the coolest ever. | ||
| He's a great, great representative of cool. | ||
| The leader of the real Ghostbusters. | ||
| They killed him in the new movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| The new Ghostbusters movie. | ||
| They kill Bill Murray. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, well. | |
| They can go kill themselves because I'm never watching a garbage pile. | ||
| He's a bad guy. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They kill him. | ||
| He's a skeptic. | ||
| It's like the whole thing. | ||
| It's very, very what? | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| It's like, what? | ||
| My point was about Asheville, is that there were so many kids getting high off mushrooms, off of these cows, because they're up in this farm area, and it's raining all the time. | ||
| Everything's wet as fuck. | ||
| It's lush and green. | ||
| And these mushrooms just grew like weeds everywhere. | ||
| And it was so bad that they had to give the cows food, special food that made their manure so that the mushrooms, if they did grow in them, they wouldn't be potent. | ||
| They wouldn't work. | ||
| I remember when we were in college, we'd go to certain places and get trash bags worth of mushrooms because some areas, just because of the weather and the farms and stuff like that, it just grew mushrooms like crazy. | ||
| You've got to be so careful, though, with mushrooms, like what you're taking. | ||
| Like, if you think it's one kind of mushroom, but it's another kind of mushroom, there's some mushrooms that'll kill you in seconds. | ||
| That happened recently on this old folks' home. | ||
| These old folks were hanging out and this lady went out and gathered up some mushrooms. | ||
| She's probably out of her fucking head on... | ||
| You know, what kind of Alzheimer's medicine or anything they give them. | ||
| Like, when you're in old folks' homes, dude, they will throw some pills down your throat. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Like, you get to choose how fucked up you want to be all day. | ||
| And so this lady's out there picking mushrooms and just got a gang of poison ones, cooked them all up for everybody. | ||
| Everybody died. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| She cooked them at the old folks' home, brought them back? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She cooked them for the old folks at the old folks' home, just whacked the whole crew. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't remember how many people died, but it was more than one. | ||
| Did you hear about all those people dying from heroin? | ||
| Two elderly women die, four people sickened after eating wild mushrooms. | ||
| Yeah, so crazy shit. | ||
| Did you hear about all those people dying from heroin overdoses because there was a bad batch of heroin in like Ohio or something? | ||
| And like 41 people have overdosed on like the same heroin or something. | ||
| I did hear about that. | ||
| I did hear about that. | ||
| Did you hear about that? | ||
| How do you say that stuff? | ||
| Kratom? | ||
| How do you say it? | ||
| Kratom? | ||
| K-R-A-T-O-M? How do you say it? | ||
| I don't know how to say it. | ||
| I've never said it, but I've read about it a lot. | ||
| And it's a plant that helps people overcome opiate addiction, apparently. | ||
| And the FDA just moved it to Schedule 1, or they're going to move it to Schedule 1, or the DEA, I should say. | ||
| I guess it's the DEA, right? | ||
| But it's a plant. | ||
| And apparently it helps a lot of people that have heroin addiction problems and opiate addiction problems. | ||
| And even some people said it helps with marijuana, not marijuana, but alcohol withdrawals. | ||
| People are alcoholics and they try to break free and get sober. | ||
| This stuff can help with that too. | ||
| I don't know enough about it. | ||
| I'm gonna have someone on to talk about it, but there's no need to make anything else illegal. | ||
| This thing where they're doing, what they're doing is they're behaving like an archaic society. | ||
| They're not behaving like America 2016. They're behaving like the people who enacted the very first sweeping Psychedelic laws of 1970. They're behaving like they behaved. | ||
| If you've got this plant, this kratom or however you say it, and it doesn't have any history of people dropping dead from it. | ||
| It's not like some threat to the communities. | ||
| It's not like this terror that's sweeping the streets and it's ruining lives. | ||
| You're not hearing that. | ||
| All I'm hearing is it helps people with heroin addiction. | ||
| We all know how many people are addicted to heroin. | ||
| So the fact that they just want to step in and immediately not just make this like a Schedule 2 or a Schedule 3 or have some scientists come in and testify about it and have some sort of public hearings where they discuss the merits of keeping this drug legal and should this be regulated? | ||
| Should it be prescribed by doctors? | ||
| Like reasonable adults would do if they actually gave a fuck about each other. | ||
| But instead, they have these fucking ridiculous amounts of power. | ||
| Where they could just step in and just make things illegal. | ||
| They have a ridiculous amount of power when it comes to legislating what we can and can't do with our bodies. | ||
| This is not something anybody's voting on, this Kratom stuff. | ||
| So for the DEA to just step in and make that Schedule I... It's blasphemy. | ||
| What they're doing is such an abuse of the function of the office. | ||
| The idea of the office is you're supposed to be protecting people. | ||
| Protect people from meth. | ||
| Protect people from bad shit. | ||
| Don't let people come home to find their children that have overdosed because someone gave them bath salts. | ||
| That's what everybody wants from something like the DEA. But they're so far-reaching. | ||
| With their efforts that they step into all these areas where we know you're full of shit now. | ||
| You step into these areas like marijuana. | ||
| Are you gonna save people from pot? | ||
| Congratulations! | ||
| You fucking cock blocker! | ||
| What are you gonna do? | ||
| You gonna save people from giggling or eating yummy food or having a good time with their friends? | ||
| What are you stopping? | ||
| This is not anything that we should ever ask for from our leaders, in quotes, and definitely not anything we should ever tolerate for no reason whatsoever. | ||
| There's no reason whatsoever why they would keep marijuana illegal. | ||
| There's no reason whatsoever why they'd make this Kratom stuff Schedule 1. There's no fucking reason. | ||
| It's money. | ||
| It's a sure sign that it's a corrupt system. | ||
| And if the Kratom stuff helps with alcohol withdrawals, then you've got to know that these big, you know, Why wouldn't they pitch them some money to be like, hey, let's keep people drinking? | ||
| Even if they didn't do it blatantly, even if they didn't do it blatantly, if they're entangled with each other, you can best believe that if you are entangled with some sort of an alcohol company, you're going to do your best to maximize the profits of that alcohol company. | ||
| It's just the way it is. | ||
| If you're entangled with some donor to some political campaign or some foundation that you run, and they give millions of dollars, you guys have a little agreement going on there. | ||
| You don't have to even say it. | ||
| You don't have to have it written down. | ||
| You don't have to be stupid about it. | ||
| But it's pretty obvious if someone gives you millions of bucks, you guys are doing business. | ||
| Something's happening here. | ||
| You're going to do nice things for each other now. | ||
| And that's where a lot of this shit comes from. | ||
| The fact that we, the people, the people that are supposed to be represented by these clowns, can sit back and just be frustrated and not do anything. | ||
| We can vote for it when it comes up in our states, but federally, it's a giant issue federally. | ||
| Federally is the real problem. | ||
| Because there's a bunch of states now that made it legal, including Washington fucking D.C. There's a bunch of states that have made pot legal. | ||
| They're like, look, it's ridiculous. | ||
| The science doesn't fit. | ||
| And then they start taxing it. | ||
| And then they make unbelievable amounts of money. | ||
| And then they have massive resurgences in their economy, like you're seeing in Colorado. | ||
| And now you're seeing in Seattle and Washington State as well. | ||
| What they're doing is they're being tyrannical. | ||
| This is not reasonable people acting in a reasonable way. | ||
| They're locking people up. | ||
| For a long time. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| There was this fucking thing the other day where they were comparing that kid who raped the girl in what university was that? | ||
| Who's got a ridiculously short amount of time. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| You don't have a mic on. | ||
| Stanford. | ||
| Stanford. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That guy. | ||
| So they compared that guy to some poor bastard that... | ||
| Oh my god, I think he got 30 years for growing pot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did you see that picture? | ||
| Did you see it? | ||
| Dude. | ||
| I think it was even longer than 30 years. | ||
| Man, it might have been. | ||
| It might have been like 30 to life or something. | ||
| But it's just the idea that you would lock that guy away for that long for something so fucking innocuous. | ||
| Well, don't break the law. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, don't break the law. | |
| It's real simple. | ||
| We got a law, and you don't want to break it. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| You take your consequences. | ||
| We're adults here. | ||
| We're all adults. | ||
| These laws are stupid. | ||
| We're being handicapped by these ancient systems. | ||
| These ancient systems of control. | ||
| They're not valid anymore. | ||
| You can't just lock people up for pot. | ||
| It's stupid. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Lee Carol Brooker, a 75-year-old veteran, served at a life sentence in prison without parole for being caught growing three dozen marijuana plants behind my son's house. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And it says, Hi, I'm Brock Turner, 20-year-old who raped a woman on campus. | ||
| I just got six months in prison. | ||
| I'm also promised that with good behavior that would be cut down to three months. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, he's already out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's like armed protesters outside of his house. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Rape before joints, guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's just crazy. | ||
| If you're gonna rape a girl, don't do it on a pile of marijuana plants. | ||
| That's what we learned here. | ||
| That'd be a good pardon. | ||
| Life plus three months. | ||
| That'd be a good pardon from Obama, I think. | ||
| That guy, yes, but can Obama, like, reverse a sentence and put that kid back in jail? | ||
| Put the rapist back in jail? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did he admit to doing it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think they, didn't they? | ||
| It was one of those things, I think, where, like, she got drunk, she fell asleep. | ||
| And he banged her while she was out cold. | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| Was it behind a dumpster, though? | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's right. | ||
| Oh, that's the one, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| God. | ||
| I passed out behind a dumpster. | ||
| God damn, man. | ||
| Yeah, I've, like, heard of that, but I've never actually, you know, I didn't realize people actually could pass out behind a dumpster. | ||
| I've never been that drunk to where that's where I would lay down. | ||
| I fucked by a dumpster, but never slept there. | ||
| You fucked by a dumpster? | ||
| Look at all that dumpster grease on the ground? | ||
| No, I put pizza boxes down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, what a classy girl you must have been with. | |
| I told you about this and the guy came out and he caught us having sex and he's like, oh, he got nervous. | ||
| He's like, do you guys want some pizza? | ||
| Because he thought we were homeless. | ||
| Homeless people bang too. | ||
| Homeless people bang on pizza boxes next to dumpsters. | ||
| That's pretty much it. | ||
| There's this homeless guy that lives on the bench outside my Starbucks and he has gangrene or diabetes or something so bad that his legs are just like purple and black and I was behind him in Starbucks walking in and every time he took a step like this open sore would just like squirt blood on the floor of Starbucks. | ||
| It was the grossest thing in the world. | ||
| What did he get to drink? | ||
| I don't know, two waters. | ||
| He was taking a bath or something. | ||
| Yeah, that's a problem if you're running a business and that guy walks in. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| They're super nice to him, too, because he's there every day just sleeping on the bench. | ||
| The homeless thing is weird, right? | ||
| Because those are people. | ||
| They are people. | ||
| But, goddamn, they stink. | ||
| And they're around you, they're reaching their hands out. | ||
| If you run into one of them kooky homeless people that doesn't bathe ever, and they have those dirty caked feet and they're wandering around, what I see is a mentally ill person. | ||
| What I see is a failure of the healthcare system. | ||
| How do you just let this person wander around like this? | ||
| They're having conversations with themselves and rummaging through their fucking shopping cart. | ||
| It's a very serious problem in LA. The other day I saw something gross right in my neighborhood too, like right at my intersection. | ||
| I saw a homeless lady sitting on a bus bench, and it looked like she was wiggling her pants down a little bit, and she did, and she's just sitting on the bench, and you know, it has like those grates, it's not just like a solid bench, it goes through. | ||
| And she peed. | ||
| Right through? | ||
| Right through the grates, like it was nothing. | ||
| Oh Christ. | ||
| Just pee flying out of her. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And I couldn't stop watching. | ||
| I mean, all of a sudden, I'm just like, you know, amazing because you're looking at the amount of pee that's coming out of this human being. | ||
| It's just sad because we just leave those people out there. | ||
| And I think this guy's a vet. | ||
| Like, that's what's even crazier, that he fought for us and now he can't get, like, medical attention for free. | ||
| Well, it's also, some of them, you have to think, probably just left. | ||
| Like, they didn't want to deal with the healthcare system. | ||
| They didn't want to be medicated all the time. | ||
| They didn't want to stay in a loony bin. | ||
| But then there was, like, Reagan. | ||
| During the Reagan administration, they let them loose on the streets like zombies. | ||
| They changed the, uh, whatever the standard of treatment. | ||
| Like, you know, you had to treat someone if they were X amount of crazy. | ||
| They're like, oh, you're on your own, crazy fucks! | ||
| And they just pushed them out into the street. | ||
| And there was just like, influx of homeless people. | ||
| You'd find them all over the East Coast. | ||
| It was, it was real weird. | ||
| It was a big problem. | ||
| I remember that, like, in, I think, San Francisco, it was a big deal up there. | ||
| It's a real big deal in places like Boston. | ||
| That's where homelessness is a big deal. | ||
| Because when they're out there, they can fucking freeze solid. | ||
| Like, you can die out there. | ||
| I was with Jeff Ross when he taped his special, uh, Roast the Police, where we did, like, ride-alongs with the Boston Police Department during the winter, and these cops, they know all the homeless people, every single one of them, And they show genuine concern and like, you know, that they have to go up to these guys and be like, yo, the shelter, it's open, you know, get in there. | ||
| It's a whole thing. | ||
| Like, it's actually, during the wintertime, one of their main things. | ||
| And this is when all the, you know, obviously there's been like cop shootings and this and that, but their main concern, for the most part, what we did on these ride-alongs was tell homeless people to get to the shelter. | ||
| They're just gonna freeze. | ||
| It's pretty much what Boston cops are doing during the winter unless there's a crazy call. | ||
| It's just a such a sad aspect of our society like the people that are just it's just for whatever reason whether it's a mental issue just doesn't click there's just something that's not clicking in there right and then just wandering around through the streets and there's no one with them. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And they're just living in this strange life. | ||
| I always wonder, like, what is reality to those people? | ||
| I was just gonna say, I always wonder what they're thinking. | ||
| Like, sometimes it seems like they're having so much fun. | ||
| Do you remember that Robin Williams movie? | ||
| Robin Williams played a crazy homeless guy that lived in Central Park and used to think he was a knight or something like that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What the fuck was that movie? | ||
| It was like a mental illness movie. | ||
| It was a movie about, uh... | ||
| The Fisher King. | ||
| The Fisher King, yeah. | ||
| Robin Williams was completely out of his mind. | ||
| And he played this really... | ||
| I believe that's the plot of the movie. | ||
| I hope I'm not fucking it up. | ||
| But that was the thing, is that this guy was seeing some things that just weren't there. | ||
| Obviously, when you see those people talking to themselves, there's something going on there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder what it's like. | ||
| I wonder if it's like the Simpsons ride at Universal. | ||
| Like, everything they see is like, Whoa! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey! | |
| Hey! | ||
| I like to think that they're smarter than us and then they're like talking to people that they can see that are actually there but we are... | ||
| we can't figure it out. | ||
| A former radio DJ suicidally despondent because of terrible mistakes he made finds redemption in helping a deranged homeless man who was an unwitting victim of that mistake. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| I don't remember much about this movie. | ||
| Suicidally despondent. | ||
| Crazy, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Have you ever ridden that Simpsons ride at Universal? | ||
| No, not yet. | ||
| Drop everything! | ||
| Oh wait, I have! | ||
| With the shooting one, right? | ||
| You like shoot things? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| The Simpsons ride, like you sit in a car. | ||
| But it sort of like spins? | ||
| And everything is happening. | ||
| The car moves around a little bit left and right, but everything that's happening is happening on the screen in front of you. | ||
| Like, the screen is this gigantic high-def screen where you're in a first-person perspective and, you know, it's taking on this wild, crazy, fucking, amazingly illustrated cartoon rut. | ||
| It's fucking fun, dude. | ||
| It's really fun. | ||
| It's got smells, too. | ||
| Remember the baby powder smell? | ||
| It smells like when Maggie's on the screen. | ||
| It's one of the best rides ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's so good. | |
| I was really surprised at the Transformers ride, too. | ||
| Is that good? | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| I was on that one. | ||
| I didn't like it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I thought I was like... | ||
| Because I went to The Simpsons first. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| It's not the move. | ||
| Have you been to the Harry Potter thing yet? | ||
| Yeah, the Harry Potter ride's amazing. | ||
| It's so weird because I live next to Universal and you're just driving and now there's a castle that you just drive by and you're like, what? | ||
| Is there a castle? | ||
| Oh yeah, Harry Potter. | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| It's a long ass ride too. | ||
| The Harry Potter ride is really long. | ||
| I don't know how long it takes, but you're like, whoa, this ride keeps going. | ||
| How do you go to Universal? | ||
| You go when it's like closed or something? | ||
| Just go. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Just go. | ||
| That place is crazy for anybody. | ||
| I can't imagine what it's like for you. | ||
| Just go. | ||
| You're in a disguise? | ||
| No, I don't wear a disguise. | ||
| You're definitely not rocking your fanny pack at Universal Studios. | ||
| I wear my fanny pack there. | ||
| Heck yeah, that's the best place to wear it. | ||
| How dare you say I won't. | ||
| I want my fanny pack at Disneyland. | ||
| You get swamped. | ||
| Just say hi to people. | ||
| Say hi and keep moving. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you talk about this George Carlin CD that he recorded the day before 9-11? | ||
| No. | ||
| Have you heard about this? | ||
| No. | ||
| He recorded a special the day before 9-11. | ||
| It was actually called I Kinda Like It When A Lot Of People Die. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And then the following day, 9-11 happened, so they had to shelve it. | ||
| And I guess even in it, he talks about Osama Bin Laden and shit like that. | ||
| And so they're about to release it, or they just released it. | ||
| They've held onto it this long just because of 9-11. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| It's really creepy. | ||
| There's a bunch of weird 9-11 things like that. | ||
| I found a couple yesterday, actually. | ||
| There's a band that was called We Are the World Trade Center, or I Am the World Trade Center. | ||
| It was like a synth-pop band. | ||
| And in April of 2001, they released a song. | ||
| Again, the name of the band, We Are the World Trade Center. | ||
| And track 11... | ||
| On that album that came out in April. | ||
| Track 11 was called September. | ||
| So like if you look at their album, it says, we are the World Trade Center. | ||
| 11.September. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| So insane. | ||
| And then there's another thing. | ||
| Illuminati planned it! | ||
| And then there's another thing. | ||
| I can't remember which cartoon. | ||
| It's either like Futurama, I think it is. | ||
| It's the craziest thing I saw in a long time. | ||
| In one of these weird cartoons, there's a moment where it pans over from them and there's a movie poster on the wall. | ||
| And this was before 9-11, like right before 9-11. | ||
| And it looks like a World Trade Center smoking, like blatantly exactly like a World Trade Center on fire. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| And it says coming soon on the thing, like a movie poster just says coming soon. | ||
| And there's blatantly a World Trade Center smoking. | ||
| It's the craziest thing I've seen in a long time. | ||
| I think it's either Futurama or... | ||
| You've got to think, though, as much content as people put out, and the World Trade Center was always these iconic references. | ||
| I mean, it was in a Biggie song. | ||
| You know, blow up like the World Trade. | ||
| Yeah, album cover. | ||
| Yeah, and those people did try to blow it up in, what was it, like, 96 or something like that? | ||
| They blew up that car bomb inside the basement. | ||
| So, it makes sense that somebody would have caught it, but that 11 in September, that's bananas. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's some fucking premonition shit. | ||
| It happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Scary. | |
| Do you think they planned that like that? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Like, knowing that 9-11 would... | ||
| But, like, knowing that if we do it on 9-11, it's 9-1-1, it's, like, emergency numbers. | ||
| Marketing 101, it was easier, you know, they knew it was going to be a bigger deal, because it's 9-11, like, 9-1-1, you know, the... | ||
| Maybe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| Yeah, maybe it would have happened in 9-12 and been just as fucked up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People find reasons to attach numbers and meanings to things, but it's totally possible that they know our... | ||
| I mean, obviously they know 9-1-1 is for emergency, that they did it on 9-1-1 because of that, but it would have made any difference if it was 9-9 or 9-10. | ||
| It was a devastating attack and tragedy. | ||
| The other stuff is just like, really? | ||
| If they did it on July 11th, 7-Elevens would have gone out of business everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
7 I'm serious that's it but like think about that people are like July 4th would be a big smack in our face. | |
| And March would be really gay if it was March 11th. | ||
| 3-11. | ||
| Oh, is that that band? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They make good weed pens. | ||
| Yeah, they do. | ||
| I was one of the first people to smoke the prototype last year on the 311 cruise with Peanut the bass player. | ||
| How strong has that been? | ||
| They make their own weed pens. | ||
| It's a very strong move. | ||
| They're the coolest, man. | ||
| They've always been ahead of the game. | ||
| Great live show. | ||
| It's because they're all generic Chinese models, so anyone can make their own weed pen by just putting their logo on it. | ||
| You can buy them in bulk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've seen all the same weed pins. | ||
| There's this website, you can buy like 300 of them, and they'll even put a logo on it for you so it looks like your weed pin. | ||
| They were really hands-on with this one, though. | ||
| They tried out a ton of... | ||
| I know, because he told us all about it. | ||
| But that would just be the oils, or they tried out a ton of canisters, too? | ||
| I just know that it took them... | ||
| They went through a long process, so probably both. | ||
| It's good stuff. | ||
| Two thumbs up. | ||
| I highly approve. | ||
| Did you try the orange one? | ||
| I don't know what one I tried. | ||
| That's what I remember is it tasted like an actual orange and got me wrecked. | ||
| Yeah, no, that's good stuff. | ||
| It was an atheist nightmare. | ||
| An atheist nightmare. | ||
| It's this... | ||
| Well, it is intelligent design, though. | ||
| Somebody made it. | ||
| Those bands, what kind of band is 311? | ||
| 311 is really their own type of thing because it's like reggae mixed with heavy rock. | ||
| They go back and forth. | ||
| Sometimes you'll just forget that they're about to drop. | ||
| They have killer guitarists and high energy. | ||
| They have two lead singers, one guy with a really smooth voice, and the other guy's sort of like a rapper. | ||
| And they do all this while they're high. | ||
| I'd imagine so. | ||
| But also, I feel like a lot of those guys have families now and stuff, and they might calm down a little bit, but I'm sure they have to get stoned. | ||
| I used to like them. | ||
| I haven't heard anything from them in a long time. | ||
| Well, they made a Greatest Hits album way back in, like, 98 or something like that, you know? | ||
| They're notorious for being one of the best live bands to see. | ||
| So you did, like, a whole cruise ship with them, right? | ||
| Yeah, it was the coolest thing I've ever done. | ||
| How long was it? | ||
| It was actually five days. | ||
| I did two shows, and I was, like, shaky about it because this was back when, like, toilets exploded on that one cruise or whatever. | ||
| Everybody died. | ||
| Well, everybody was freaking out. | ||
| That was the one where the guy was trying to wave to his girlfriend, came around with the boat, and he hit the ground and killed a ton of people. | ||
| A bunch of people drowned. | ||
| I'm talking about the carnival one that got all poopy everywhere. | ||
| Oh, that one too, yeah. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| That happened right around then, and I'm like, man, a cruise ship, we're going to see. | ||
| But I knew 311 was an awesome live band. | ||
| I've seen them actually quite a few times, like in high school and stuff. | ||
| Dude, there's a railing, and below that railing is the ocean, and you're going 50 miles an hour. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| I had so much fun. | ||
| Because they're performing on the main deck. | ||
| Fuck cruises. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, I'm telling you. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| Fuck cruises. | ||
| So tell me what it was like. | ||
| It was the greatest thing ever. | ||
| I came back from that five day cruise and got everything in my life done. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Because it's so... | ||
| It's literally perfect. | ||
| Going to Jamaica, the most boring part of the whole trip was the half a day we spent in Jamaica before getting back on and going. | ||
| I stepped on some needly sponge in the ocean. | ||
| I'm like, this sucks. | ||
| Get back on this luxury cruise ship. | ||
| Bunch of shows going on. | ||
| There's a casino. | ||
| You can get away to your room if you want to disappear. | ||
| It's really a thousand times better than I thought it was going to be. | ||
| You didn't like Jamaica? | ||
| No, it's no. | ||
| Good God, no. | ||
| Hey, welcome. | ||
| Try the chicken. | ||
| It was like just bad. | ||
| Everybody's cooking and it's just dirty. | ||
| There's bees everywhere. | ||
| You know, nature like sucks, but cruise ships are great. | ||
| That's not nature. | ||
| Going 50 miles an hour with Caribbean air around you is perfect. | ||
| I mean, it's the perfect life. | ||
| Wow, you're going to live on a boat when you're an old crazy man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're going to be like one of them Howard Hughes type dudes just out on a boat. | ||
| Just peeing in jars. | ||
| L. Ron Hubbard style with your own captain's outfit. | ||
| You'll give yourself medals every year. | ||
| Hi, I wrote a new joke today. | ||
| I'm going to give myself a medal. | ||
| And you just pin a medal onto your... | ||
| You would have like a camel colored coat. | ||
| Maybe a light camel. | ||
| Something sophisticated. | ||
| Probably will. | ||
| My older brother just got like way into it. | ||
| Bought a boat and everything. | ||
| He's been sailing for like a decade, but he's like way into it now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Yeah, he's got a cool apartment right on Venice Beach and a boat right in the docks. | ||
| And he just goes... | ||
| Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| I'm going to go in the ocean. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| I mean, it's like a giant, uncharted area. | ||
| There's no roads. | ||
| You can go wherever you want. | ||
| That's the cool thing about being in the ocean if you have a boat. | ||
| There's no road. | ||
| You have to go here, you have to take it right there, and you take the 110th, the 118th. | ||
| No. | ||
| Just go wherever you want to go. | ||
| What do you want to go? | ||
| You want to go to Catalina? | ||
| Go to Catalina. | ||
| And there's crazy life under there. | ||
| You throw a fishing pole out there, you catch something, you throw it on the grill right there. | ||
| You just skin it. | ||
| You don't even have to skin it, you just gut it. | ||
| You know, they're finding out that a lot of those tropical fish are making their ways into the waters around Southern California because of the global warming. | ||
| So they're having like yellowfin tuna or all over Southern California waters. | ||
| You used to have to go to like Hawaii to catch those things. | ||
| You can catch them right here now. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Getting your boats on. | ||
| In the cruise ship thing, I'm telling you, I mean, it's a whole thing. | ||
| What if someone's really annoying and they just follow you around that cruise ship? | ||
| That doesn't happen. | ||
| It doesn't happen? | ||
| No. | ||
| You can lose them. | ||
| You can lose them? | ||
| Did you ever lose anybody? | ||
| These things are huge. | ||
| You have to understand how huge this is. | ||
| So it's like a mall? | ||
| It's like a small city, yes. | ||
| It's like a giant mall or a small city. | ||
| How long does it take to walk around the whole thing? | ||
| Because there's also like six or seven floors. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So boom, boom, boom, boom. | ||
| So it's like a hotel almost. | ||
| Like a Vegas-style hotel that's floating. | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| It's like a Vegas-style huge hotel. | ||
| Like how the MGM's connected to New York, New York, or whatever. | ||
| It's like super-duper huge. | ||
| And the main deck, I mean, they're doing shows at nighttime. | ||
| And it is... | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| Going to a normal concert where you're just not moving after that, sort of like, eh, I'm missing something here. | ||
| They must have cruises that go successfully every day to their destination. | ||
| Smooth. | ||
| Everyone has a great experience. | ||
| There's no issues whatsoever. | ||
| It's like airplanes. | ||
| All it takes is one poopy mistake. | ||
| There's a website. | ||
| Or one dude who wants to wave at his girlfriend and beaches the boat and drowns a bunch of people. | ||
| Or one husband who throws his wife over the side. | ||
| Did you hear about that guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a guy who threw his wife over the side. | ||
| Like newlyweds. | ||
| Dude, there's some fucking creepy people out there, man. | ||
| There's a cruise ship website, like cruiseshipreports.org or something like that, and it tells you every time there's a problem with a cruise ship, and it's shocking how many there are. | ||
| There's problems all the time, and it shows how many people died and stuff, and why, and how. | ||
| How often do people die from cruise ships? | ||
| A lot of crazy shit happens on cruise ships. | ||
| You saw the elevator, right? | ||
| The guy that got stuck in the elevator, and it started dripping down blood of his body because he got crushed on the cruise ship. | ||
| What? | ||
| That happened a couple months ago. | ||
| Are you dripping down blood? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| This guy working on an elevator, the elevator crushed him. | ||
| Oh, he was working on the elevator and went up to the top? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so there's video of just blood gushing down the elevator door and people are like, what the heck is that? | ||
| And it's just blood. | ||
| It looks like a horror movie. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| You haven't seen the video? | ||
| You gotta see the video. | ||
| I don't need to see that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's scary. | |
| That's a weird way to go though. | ||
| Getting squashed in an elevator. | ||
| This is why I don't work on elevators. | ||
| Uh, People ask me all the time, Tony, we have a problem with the elevator. | ||
| Can you get on top of it and fix it? | ||
| Have you been stuck in an elevator before? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, when I was a little kid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Yeah, I was like seven years old, but it was only 20 minutes. | ||
| You know, I probably blew a fuse or something like that. | ||
| But I was in New York recently at one of the theaters. | ||
| I think it was the Beacon. | ||
| And they have this dude who runs the elevator back there. | ||
| Yeah, I was with you. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| You remember that? | ||
| The guy had like the handle and the... | ||
| It's like an old-schooly, old-school elevator where you have to have an operator. | ||
| There's no buttons to press. | ||
| This guy had to get you up and down. | ||
| What did he say? | ||
| From the 1920s or something like that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Old school. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| It might have been before that. | ||
| 1929. Oh, that's it. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I took a video of the dude. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| What's your name, brother? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jose, that's my name. | |
| Jose, this is an old-school-y elevator we're in here, man. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Like, how long has this kind of elevator been here for? | ||
| 1929. Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow, that's it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Yeah, it was the old ones on Instagram. | ||
| You could only get 15 seconds out or 30 seconds or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, but that dude was operating that thing. | ||
| Like, he had this little lever to pull up and pull down. | ||
| It's a badass old elevator, but I'm sure they fix it all the time. | ||
| Yeah, there's things that, too. | ||
| There's always that thing on the inside. | ||
| When I was in Italy, I got in an elevator from the 1800s. | ||
| The hotel had an 1800s elevator. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's super weird, those old ones. | ||
| You've got to shut the door in front of you. | ||
| You've got to shut the door. | ||
| You've got to get inside. | ||
| It'll still work, but... | ||
| Yeah, you can just leave the door open. | ||
| It'll still work, right? | ||
| Yeah, you could just leave the door open and grab a floor as you're passing and rip your fucking arms off. | ||
| You could do that. | ||
| If you looked at, like, how many people have died from elevators versus how many people have died from coconuts, you'd be shocked. | ||
| No one's scared of coconuts, but coconuts fuck up about 150 people a year. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Do you know how many people die from deer every year? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| 200 in the United States. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| 200 deaths. | ||
| They die from deer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oof. | |
| Every year. | ||
| Every year. | ||
| You're driving down the road, listening to Led Zeppelin, and you hit this stupid fucking cunty forest horse, and it goes flying through your windshield and kicks your brains out. | ||
| Yikes. | ||
| 200 people a year. | ||
| How many people do you think die, on average, in elevators per year? | ||
| I know. | ||
| Six. | ||
| In the U.S. Six. | ||
| Prince is one of them. | ||
| 26. 26. Did he die in an elevator? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 26 die in elevators every year in the United States? | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| How many die from coconuts? | ||
| I'm saying coconuts is over 100 a year. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Worldwide? | ||
| I will say worldwide. | ||
| More than 100 people a year die from coconuts. | ||
| You're saying like coconuts dropping? | ||
| Coconuts falling on their head. | ||
| Okay, it's like not allergy. | ||
| Just getting jacked. | ||
| It says 150, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, bitch. | ||
| Worldwide. | ||
| That's worldwide. | ||
| Worldwide, good. | ||
| Imagine if it was all in like Jakarta. | ||
| Jakarta coconuts just murking people. | ||
| Walking home from school with your buddies, two of them die. | ||
| And what just an embarrassing way to die, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no! | |
| That husky sound, those things clobbering you on the head. | ||
| The last thing you hear is your friends laughing at you. | ||
| That's probably how they figured out that coconuts were edible. | ||
| It killed someone's friend. | ||
| Someone freaked out and hit it with a rock and went, oh, look at this. | ||
| There's some shit in here. | ||
| You killed my friend! | ||
| Yeah, back then. | ||
| And you are delicious. | ||
| They didn't know that a coconut wasn't alive. | ||
| If something came out of the sky and killed your friend, and you were so stupid that you didn't even have clothes yet, that's probably the first people that figured out they could eat coconuts. | ||
| Those had to be like the first balls, right? | ||
| Fruits. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Sort of just hit me right now. | ||
| They realized they could play soccer and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Dude, I saw a demonstration the other day. | ||
| We've showed demonstrations of that Line-X stuff before, but this was the most ridiculous one. | ||
| Line-X is this plastic stuff that they can spray on things, and they spray it on the undercarriages of some trucks and four-wheelers that go out into the country. | ||
| Those dudes do those four-wheel crawl fucking things and smash them up against rocks. | ||
| They'll Line-X their whole truck. | ||
| That'll be the paint for the outside of it. | ||
| Well, they took a watermelon. | ||
| They sprayed a watermelon with Line-X and dropped it off of, I think it was from 450 feet up. | ||
| This is the brick one. | ||
| This is one we've already seen. | ||
| But this one's kind of fascinating, too. | ||
| Like, check this out. | ||
| Just show how they did it before. | ||
| So they dropped this brick off the top of the building. | ||
| Now, and without the Linux... | ||
| Oh, that's when they shot the wall. | ||
| This is the Watermelon Villio, but there's a bunch of shit before it. | ||
| Oh, is it the Watermelon Villio? | ||
| Oh, yeah, it is. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Trying to find it. | ||
| There, it's right there. | ||
| These guys. | ||
| So anyway, there's one of them where they're on a tower. | ||
| The tower one is a watermelon one, dude. | ||
| I think it's a different one. | ||
| Yeah, it's not the same video. | ||
| There it is right there. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's like all of these are in there. | ||
| This is a different one because this one, it's red, but it's the same goddamn thing. | ||
| So I guess they're just gonna hit it with a hammer here. | ||
| They sprayed this shit on a watermelon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the watermelon, he's like hitting it with a hammer, it's just bouncing. | ||
| But that's not as impressive. | ||
| See if you can find the one where they drop the watermelon off the tower. | ||
| Line-X watermelon, 450 feet drop. | ||
| I mean, they threw this watermelon off the tower without the Line-X, and it hits the street and literally vaporizes. | ||
| They hit it, they throw the Line-X one, it hits the ground, it bounces 10 feet in the air. | ||
| Yeah, the inside of it was just watermelon juice. | ||
| It just became watermelon juice. | ||
| But this stuff is so tough. | ||
| It's just some weird, freaky plastic. | ||
| That'd be fun to, like, prank Gallagher before he goes on stage and sprays watermelon with that. | ||
| Break his back open. | ||
| His arms would literally fly off his body. | ||
| So can you buy this consumer style? | ||
| Yeah, it's just... | ||
| I know my friend Remy, his dad actually owns a shop up in Reno where they spray trucks with this stuff. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People that want a really heavy-duty application of their trucks are going to drive in the woods and branches are going to smack up against it all the time. | ||
| They just spray their whole truck with this shit. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a company called... | ||
| I think it's called Devrolo. | ||
| D-E-V-R-O-L-O. And they make these ridiculous, souped-up Toyota Tundras that are bulletproof. | ||
| And they spray Line-X all over them. | ||
| So they make them regular and they make them bulletproof. | ||
| They make them for like... | ||
| You know, some royal family or some shit that comes here from somewhere else. | ||
| And they have this... | ||
| What is this? | ||
| This is the video of the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But this isn't... | ||
| Linex didn't make this. | ||
| Some other guys just put this video out this past month. | ||
| Linex didn't make the video, but they did use Linex. | ||
| So let's watch it. | ||
| Here you go. | ||
| So he throws this watermelon off this ridiculous fucking tower. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| It hits the ground. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Now, can you cut into it? | ||
| Like, is it possible to get to that watermelon now? | ||
| Yeah, you can cut into it, but look at this. | ||
| Look how it hits the ground. | ||
| It's like a ball. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| I mean, it seems like a medicine ball. | ||
| Like someone threw a medicine ball. | ||
| What about bullet versus that? | ||
| What happens? | ||
| No, a bullet would go through it. | ||
| It has a unique ability to disperse shock and rebound and not break open. | ||
| That's really cool. | ||
| See if you find those trucks. | ||
| DevRolo, it's called. | ||
| I think it's like some Russian company or something like that. | ||
| They make these souped-up Cars that are covered in this shit. | ||
| A lot of companies do that, I guess. | ||
| They cover cars in this Line-X shit. | ||
| To protect it from accidents? | ||
| It would definitely protect you more from accidents than not having it, for sure. | ||
| It would definitely make it harder for an impact to get... | ||
| If your car has a certain thickness of steel on the door, and you had double that thickness, I would just assume that would be safer, right? | ||
| Doesn't that make sense? | ||
| Well, it makes you wonder, like, if it caves in, then that also absorbs a lot of the energy, but if you bounced off, it seems like there'd be more snapping of your head and everything. | ||
| I'll take the snapping. | ||
| I'll take the snapping to the penetrating. | ||
| That's how your body gets crushed, by a truck hitting you on the side. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe a combination of the two. | ||
| Yeah, I don't, I think maybe, um... | ||
| It just makes sense that if it was a thicker, stronger material, like if you were driving around in a tissue paper car, you'd feel real nervous, right? | ||
| It just seems to reason that if you would get a thicker and thicker gauge of metal. | ||
| So if you took like the regular gauge metal that they have on like a Chevy Silverado or something like that, and you sprayed this Line-X shit over it, this has got to make it stronger. | ||
| There's just no way it doesn't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If that's what it does with a watermelon off a 450-foot tower, What was, you remember Saturn's where you couldn't scratch them, you could kick them, and they'd, you know, never... | |
| Yeah, they were made out of plastic. | ||
| Was it plastic? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wouldn't that be, like, a safety hazard then, if it was plastic? | ||
| No, no, because as long as it's strong, like, plastics can be really fucking strong. | ||
| Like, there's certain types of plastics, like certain types of composite fibers that are, like, technically plastics that are ridiculously strong. | ||
| Like, they use resins, and they have these types of plastics That they can, you know, they can make plastic where you can make a plastic knife, where you could kill somebody with it. | ||
| I mean, plastic can be really hard. | ||
| That was probably such a good feature of that car. | ||
| I loved my Saturn, and when I sold it, it was like 12 years old, and it looked like the day I bought it, like brand new, because it didn't scratch or denture. | ||
| Do they make those anymore? | ||
| No, they went out of business, but that technology that you think they would use it in other cars are... | ||
| Yeah, that's probably not the best move. | ||
| I think cars don't want to last. | ||
| I think cars want to break and get more parts. | ||
| Like GMs are like, they like biodegradable. | ||
| This is an apocalypse mobile. | ||
| Wow, that looks great. | ||
| Isn't that thing insane? | ||
| One mile per gallon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Click on one of the pictures of them things. | ||
| Like the Interceptor, the Challenger, the Expedition. | ||
| Yeah, so all that stuff is Linux. | ||
| The entire outside of the truck, the bumpers, everything is covered in that Linux shit. | ||
| That's neat. | ||
| That's a goddamn tank. | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
| If you got a little dick, that's your ride. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If you're like, look, I want to distract you! | |
| I think they're not like bullet tests on it or anything, you know? | ||
| Well, they do have bulletproof versions of the car. | ||
| I don't know if that stuff is bulletproof. | ||
| I would doubt that it is. | ||
| But I would say, you know, it's definitely better than not having it on. | ||
| But look at that thing. | ||
| It's so manly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| I got to be in Kevin Pereira's auto drive car the other day. | ||
| Oh, the Tesla? | ||
| That's so cool, man. | ||
| So weird, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah, when he did it, it's hard to trust that. | ||
| Like, it's weird him just, like, letting go. | ||
| And he said that when he first bought it, he was really scared and nervous. | ||
| But now he's, like, you know, laptop out, like, doing shit he shouldn't be doing. | ||
| And I watched it, like, detect the, you know, the side car and stuff like that. | ||
| And it... | ||
| It stopped. | ||
| It slowed down. | ||
| It's scary because you know the guy that designed the self-driving car was Asian. | ||
| And you're like, you know. | ||
| How do you know he's Asian? | ||
| He's not Asian. | ||
| Asian computer people. | ||
| This is a bad attempt at some racist humor and I'm not going to stand for it. | ||
| I guarantee you the person that... | ||
| Find it, Jamie. | ||
| Engineer the self-driving cars in Asia. | ||
| If you're wrong, you have to suck Brian's cock right here on the show. | ||
| No, I'll take donkey cum. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just a couple of strokes. | |
| A couple of strokes in your mouth. | ||
| No, I'll take the donkey cum. | ||
| Listen, just a real quick little... | ||
| I think you're wrong. | ||
| The iPad or whatever, the display and stuff is so sexy. | ||
| Oh yeah, it's a crazy screen. | ||
| I would think that uses up a lot of juice. | ||
| Why would you have such a giant screen? | ||
| True. | ||
| I didn't know about the fast charging, because we always talked about this in the past, about how you can't drive to Vegas, though. | ||
| Well, they also have a stop in Vegas that you plug it in for five minutes and you get two more hours. | ||
| Here's the fact, though. | ||
| When was the last time you drove to Vegas? | ||
| I hardly ever drive. | ||
| I did last weekend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| You drove up for the fight. | ||
| For the fight. | ||
| I always drive. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| It's cheap. | ||
| Well, it is cheap, but don't you get annoyed being in the car for four hours? | ||
| No, I'm used to four hours. | ||
| I had fun. | ||
| Me and Pete smoked joints the whole way. | ||
| Let's say that you were driving back, though, when you were in that Vegas traffic on the way back. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
| You would be fucked. | ||
| Your car would die halfway through. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Jamie just owned you. | ||
| Yeah, but you're stuck though. | ||
| There's two lanes for 400 miles. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's right. | ||
| You couldn't make it to the stop. | ||
| You'd be three hours away from it. | ||
| He's right. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| No, I mean, it has... | ||
| There's not just one. | ||
| There's not just one thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's a lot. | |
| But he's got a really good point. | ||
| If you're stuck in that crazy Vegas traffic coming home, you know how ridiculous that traffic is. | ||
| That's traffic that makes you wake up at 4 o'clock in the morning just to avoid it. | ||
| I did it once. | ||
| I did it once and I barely made it because I left at 7.30. | ||
| I was like, I'll just get up before everybody else. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| No, people are already up and driving at 7.30. | ||
| It messed me up last weekend coming back from McGregor Diaz because they're like, you gotta beat the traffic. | ||
| I'm like, whatever. | ||
| If we get there, whatever. | ||
| I ended up missing the SummerSlam party. | ||
| I missed SummerSlam last week, which was huge. | ||
| Poor baby. | ||
| How long did it take you to drive home? | ||
| It was like six, seven hours, something like that. | ||
| Yeah, see, that is fucking ridiculous. | ||
| I've never been caught in that. | ||
| So ridiculous. | ||
| But if you had a gasoline, like a buddy of mine has a 50 gallon tank in his truck. | ||
| 50 gallons. | ||
| So he could just drive. | ||
| He just fills that bitch up and just, I mean, it gets shitty gas mileage. | ||
| There's a catch-22 because you're packing around all that weight. | ||
| But if he's driving from Vegas, he doesn't have to pull over. | ||
| It's like the opposite of a Tesla. | ||
| Yeah, my car's dead right now, and I tried to jumpstart my car with my girlfriend's car, which is a Prius, and you can't do that. | ||
| Because it's like a little 12-volt battery inside those cars. | ||
| So it wasn't effective enough? | ||
| No, you can't do it. | ||
| It says in the book, do not do it. | ||
| You could just destroy this car. | ||
| Oh, that would be crazy if you blew that car up. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Yeah, those cars blow up, man. | ||
| How'd your car die? | ||
| My car's got dead. | ||
| So many things are wrong with it right now. | ||
| Did you ever see that, uh, remember when those Fisca Karmas blew up? | ||
| The Fisca Karma was that dope-looking, space-age electric car that actually had a solar panel on the roof, and that solar panel on the roof charged up your radio, so your radio wasn't draining the battery as you were driving around. | ||
| And they were cool-looking cars, like definitely the best-looking out of all the electric cars. | ||
| And they left a bunch of them on a dock in Brooklyn, I think it was, or no, North Carolina or something like that? | ||
| Anywhere, somewhere by the water. | ||
| And the water came in, the sea level rose, flooded the parking lot, and all the cars went underwater and started exploding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Boom! | ||
| Boom! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom, boom, boom! | |
| Was your video that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We tried to find it last time, right? | ||
| We couldn't find it. | ||
| Look, look at them all. | ||
| They all just blew up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Pintos? | ||
| Is that what it was in the 80s that were blowing up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that the right cars? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because it said Tesla under there. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Superstorm Sandy. | ||
| Yeah, 16 Fisker Karma. | ||
| Yeah, and everybody was like, yeah, we're good. | ||
| And that company just went under. | ||
| It's like those SpaceX rockets that keep blowing up on the thing. | ||
| They're like, hey, it's pretty soon. | ||
| We'll fly you out to Mars. | ||
| But meanwhile, they can't even get out of Florida. | ||
| Dude, I wouldn't fly on one of those fucking things for a hundred years before they got it right. | ||
| Yeah, it's obnoxious. | ||
| Pull up a real Fisker Karma so you can see what one actually looks like. | ||
| It was a beautiful car. | ||
| Justin Bieber had one and it was totally chrome. | ||
| Oh, that's it? | ||
| Yeah, I like that car. | ||
| He chromed that bitch out. | ||
| Why couldn't that one blow up? | ||
| Oh, are they back? | ||
| Are they back? | ||
| I like Rivero. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| Oh, they have a new car. | ||
| The Rivero. | ||
| Ooh. | ||
| Why karma? | ||
| It's always been karma. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I saw Bieber driving that car once, and that should be illegal because you ever see that episode of Chips where there was a truck driving a bunch of mirrors and the sun hit the mirrors and all these people were flying off the freeway? | ||
| Same thing with that. | ||
| It was just like this giant glare coming down the street. | ||
| Jamie, go back. | ||
| Go back to the actual car. | ||
| I want to see it. | ||
| Scroll down what you were looking at right here while Brian was talking. | ||
| Right there in the middle. | ||
| This is a picture of the car rat. | ||
| That's a wrap? | ||
| Yeah, it's got a wrap on it. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| God, it's so pretty. | ||
| Is that a Karma? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| That is so pretty. | ||
| Is that a Karma Revero? | ||
| Looks like they just brought it back. | ||
| That is a beautiful car, man. | ||
| That is without a doubt the best looking out of all those electric cars, like by far. | ||
| Does this have a gas tank option on it? | ||
| That's what I want. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I think this is all electric. | ||
| God damn, that thing is sweet. | ||
| That is sweet. | ||
| That's so much better looking than all the other ones. | ||
| Because that looks like a Maserati or something, doesn't it? | ||
| I kind of like the BMW that's like that, though. | ||
| That looks like a Maserati fucked a Jaguar. | ||
| That's electric? | ||
| We're going on a vacation. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Maserati came in a Jaguar and made that thing. | ||
| What's the BMW electric sports car that kind of looks like that? | ||
| I don't like that one. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Well, it's kind of cool looking on the outside, but the issue is it has really skinny tires, and it has piss-poor performance. | ||
| It's not a fast car. | ||
| It's a super expensive car, and it's a super space-age car, but you look at it, it's like 0 to 60 in comparison to other cars that BMW makes, like the M4, and look at its track time or trackability. | ||
| See how skinny its tires are? | ||
| See the back tires? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Those are really skinny. | ||
| You can't get bigger? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| That's just what it comes with. | ||
| This is not like a performance car. | ||
| It's a beautiful, sleek piece of amazing automotive engineering. | ||
| Its design is incredible. | ||
| But that's not what I like. | ||
| I like a car that looks like that and actually goes fast. | ||
| That's not... | ||
| I mean, it probably goes fast in comparison to a lot of shit. | ||
| But if you compare the numbers, I bet, to like between that and like a Porsche 911 or something like that, it's probably not even close. | ||
| Kevin did his Tesla like 0 to 70 while I was in the car and I've been in like your cars before in the past but it went like three seconds and there was no engine sound so it kind of freaked you out. | ||
| It was like being on a roller coaster. | ||
| It took my breath away. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| Yeah, those cars are ridiculously fast. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And they're four-wheel drive, too, right? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| It's four-wheel drive, and it has this ridiculous engine where there's no transmission in terms of gears. | ||
| It's like a direct drive, so it just goes. | ||
| It's like instant on. | ||
| The solar roof will create enough energy to power the car. | ||
| No other vehicle sold in the U.S. has ever offered this capability. | ||
| Our owners consider our solar roof an important element in our brand identity, and we listened. | ||
| Two days. | ||
| It's about to come out. | ||
| Oh, in two days it comes out. | ||
| This whole episode has been a long commercial for this car. | ||
| That is dope, though, that the fucking car, I mean, especially in L.A. In L.A., that means you can drive that thing around all the time because it's always sunny. | ||
| So if that thing actually can power the car, that's amazing. | ||
| That does not seem right. | ||
| As soon as it hits a rock, it's going to explode. | ||
| How much is this? | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| How much is this car? | ||
| I would assume we'll find out in two days. | ||
| I would bet it's over $100,000. | ||
| I think those are super expensive cars. | ||
| See if you can find out how much the car was. | ||
| Is that just the power of the car for the electronics and display, but not driving? | ||
| No, I'm saying the first one to be able to power the car. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That is insane. | ||
| If they really did figure that out, it's over. | ||
| If you can figure out a way to make a car run, especially here where it's sunny every day, just on solar power, and you can listen to your radio, there's no restrictions, and if you're stuck in traffic, not only is it not draining your battery, it's probably better because it's not using up much energy, but it's just being blasted by the sun and recharging. | ||
| Nighttime, you're fucked. | ||
| Yeah, but I feel like you would store enough, like a Tesla does, you know, if it kept it at 100%, it'd be just like a cell phone. | ||
| That'd be amazing, man. | ||
| If they really could figure out how to do that, that would be amazing. | ||
| I mean, that would, at least around here, in like Arizona, and places like Colorado, places where it's sunny, they would put other cars out of business. | ||
| It doesn't seem possible, though, because that's such a small solar panel that I didn't think was that powerful enough to actually power a car. | ||
| I think solar panels are getting more efficient. | ||
| Crazy, I guess. | ||
| They must be. | ||
| Well, I know that Elon Musk has this new solar bank thing that they're doing for your house where they'll put solar in your house and the batteries themselves are so much smaller than they've ever been before. | ||
| They're cool looking. | ||
| They stick to your wall. | ||
| You have them mounted on the wall, and it's not like a whole room. | ||
| You used to need a whole room filled with batteries to run a house on solar power. | ||
| It's not really that way anymore. | ||
| Just the idea that you could power a house on solar power today is crazy, but true. | ||
| So if you can power a house... | ||
| It's just a matter of time before that stuff gets better and better and better to the point where, I mean, you could probably wind up doing it in Seattle with what minimal sun comes through the clouds. | ||
| That's gonna happen. | ||
| They're going to keep making these things better, just like they've done with everything else, whether it's televisions or cell phones or cars themselves. | ||
| Cars today, dude, this is the golden era for automobiles. | ||
| People look back and say, oh, nobody designs cars like they did in the 60s to look at. | ||
| To look at. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Yeah, those 60s cars were amazing to look at. | ||
| But try steering one of those pieces of shit. | ||
| Try hitting the brakes if a fucking stroller rolls out in front of your car. | ||
| Those things were terrible. | ||
| They were terrible handling. | ||
| They were terrible. | ||
| On every corner, the car went... | ||
| Bent sideways and then you had to like hang on to it while it righted itself. | ||
| Like the whole car was made out of like a flexible piece of aluminum tray. | ||
| They were shit. | ||
| Those cars were pieces of shit. | ||
| The design was terrible. | ||
| Like they literally would, the air would hit them when they would drive. | ||
| Not only were they not aerodynamic, they were like scoops. | ||
| There were like a sail. | ||
| It was like driving with a sail. | ||
| Like the front actually caught the air and it slowed the car down. | ||
| I don't know much about old cars. | ||
| I didn't have a dad growing up. | ||
| Oh, Tony. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Poor baby. | ||
| Well, I didn't learn from my dad either. | ||
| My dad really doesn't give a shit about cars. | ||
| My stepdad. | ||
| But if you've ever seen like an old... | ||
| Like show a 1970 Dodge Charger. | ||
| Here's a perfect example. | ||
| This shit is so un-aerodynamic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But... | ||
| Undeniably dope. | ||
| One of my favorite movies, Death Proof. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that's around the type of car. | ||
| It's a Dodge Challenger. | ||
| That's a Challenger. | ||
| Or that's a Charger. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not a Challenger. | ||
| But Kurt Russell's car in Death Proof. | ||
| Have you seen that movie? | ||
| I think that's a 70? | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| I thought that was a 69. Maybe they did something different to the bumper. | ||
| Because a 70, it let go right above it. | ||
| Go to right above it, the black one, sorry. | ||
| That's one too, but that black one, that's a 70. See how the bumper goes around the top, all the way around like a fish with its mouth open? | ||
| I think that other one is a 69, that far left one, but that far left one is fucking beautiful. | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
| God, I think that's a 69 though. | ||
| Unless maybe they changed the bumper. | ||
| Look how fucking sick that is. | ||
| Have you seen Death Proof? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Is that the Quentin Tarantino thing? | ||
| No. | ||
| You would love it. | ||
| Look what they just did. | ||
| They just reversed the picture. | ||
| Right hand, left hand drive. | ||
| They just flipped this picture around. | ||
| God, that thing's so pretty. | ||
| So that car was in that movie? | ||
| That I'm not exactly sure of, but that's the car right there. | ||
| Yeah, that's a Charger for sure. | ||
| There was one that they had in Fast and the Furious that was all bare metal. | ||
| And it cost more than a million dollars to make. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's silver. | ||
| Now there's a silver one. | ||
| Silver Dodge Charger. | ||
| Just Google Silver, Jamie. | ||
| Silver Dodge Charger Fast and the Furious. | ||
| Do you miss Sickfish, your old car? | ||
| No. | ||
| Is it still alive? | ||
| No, Fast and the Furious, Jamie. | ||
| Yeah, that Reggie Bush character has it. | ||
| That's it right there. | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's cool. | ||
| There's no paint on that thing. | ||
| There's just clear coat over the bare metal, and it took forever to make. | ||
| That car took years to make. | ||
| It's like literally a rolling work of art. | ||
| It's a crazy looking car. | ||
| No, that Sick Fish was a piece of shit, man. | ||
| It looked great, but it was just not sorted out right. | ||
| It was not built correctly, and that Reggie Bush guy had to do a bunch of things to it after I did a bunch of things to it. | ||
| I keep calling him that Reggie Bush guy. | ||
| If you're hearing this, Reggie, I'm just high. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't listen to me, dude. | |
| No disrespect. | ||
| Did they make electric motorcycles? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's a dope-looking car, though. | ||
| Yeah, I miss it. | ||
| It wasn't a fun car to drive, though. | ||
| I'll tell you that. | ||
| Is that you? | ||
| Yeah, it's me. | ||
| I was going to say, the guy looks like you're this picture. | ||
| That's how high I am. | ||
| I had that car made for a TV show in 2005 or something like that. | ||
| It was really pretty, but the insides and the way it drove, it was designed to look really pretty. | ||
| It wasn't designed to drive well. | ||
| The sound of it, when you would pull into the comedy store, that was so awesome. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| Giant engine, 528 Hemi. | ||
| Just roared. | ||
| It was like 600 and something horsepower. | ||
| Such a stupid car. | ||
| Just sounds like Joey Diaz murdering. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it sounded like war. | ||
| It sounded like some death machine, you know? | ||
| It just wasn't safe. | ||
| Like, I had to get a bunch of things done to it. | ||
| The suspension detached from the frame in my driveway after I'd been on the highway going 70 miles an hour just 10 minutes before. | ||
| I pulled in, pulled into my driveway, and my car went sideways. | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| And I get out, and the wheel is like half hanging off and dug into the quarter, the fender. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| I was just on the highway. | ||
| Like, if that broke loose on the highway... | ||
| Could have easily been dead. | ||
| When you're going 70 miles an hour and you start flipping, good luck. | ||
| Who knows what's going to happen. | ||
| I was once in a car going fast on the freeway with Tripoli and all these guys were on a road trip and a tire popped. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Oh yeah, man. | ||
| Dangerous. | ||
| That in itself, it's just... | ||
| Yeah, very dangerous. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| I ran over a, you know those metal things? | ||
| Not the railroad. | ||
| When you think of a railroad tie, not the wooden piece, right? | ||
| Oh, that metal bar? | ||
| The metal stuff that would be a piece of like a railroad track? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Somebody had left a piece of a railroad track on the highway, like a 12-inch section of it. | ||
| And I hit that thing, and it was like someone shot my tire out with a rifle. | ||
| My car went ba-boom! | ||
| My car literally caught air. | ||
| It was a small car, too. | ||
| I think it was my Supra. | ||
| Caught air, blew my fucking wheel apart. | ||
| Like, literally blew it apart. | ||
| And blew the tire half apart, too. | ||
| And I was in the middle of the highway, and I was a mile from the exit. | ||
| And I was gonna pull over, and I was gonna call AAA. But a kid I went to high school with did that and died. | ||
| He got hit by a car. | ||
| He was on the side of the road and he was trying to change a tire and a guy just plowed right into him and killed him. | ||
| And I never forgot that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I just drove gangster style on a completely blown out wheel. | |
| it was banging and sparking and it smelled like fire it was like bang bang bang bang bang bang wow Just sparks and the rubber, because the rubber was like half hanging on, half hanging off. | ||
| It was just ripping and flying around when I was driving. | ||
| I drove all the way to that fucking exit and all the way to the side. | ||
| I just kept driving. | ||
| It was chewing up the sidewalk. | ||
| It was probably fucking up the road, like all the asphalt. | ||
| Asphalt's not that hard, you know? | ||
| Did it fuck your rims up or did you have to get any rims? | ||
| Oh, the rim's dead. | ||
| Yeah, there was no rim left. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jeez. | |
| It wasn't a rim anymore. | ||
| I mean, the whole outside of it was completely destroyed. | ||
| I fucked up a lot of suspension parts, too, I think, if I remember correctly. | ||
| They towed it and fixed it, but I was like, at least I'm alive, bitch. | ||
| I would way rather, or I would have left it there and just ran down the side of the road and made sure I was way off to the right. | ||
| I'm not staying in my fucking car on the road. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| Too goddamn dangerous, especially today. | ||
| I see so many people fucking on their phones, driving on the highway at night, where you see their face lit up by the phone. | ||
| It's so distracting. | ||
| I mean, you see cops with their lights on getting hit continuously. | ||
| So, I mean, a normal car, it's gotta happen all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's happening all the time. | ||
| But, um... | ||
| Yeah, so that was the most fucked up thing I ever drove over in my car, but goddamn, that was loud. | ||
| Like, BLAM! I saw it too, like last second. | ||
| I was like, fuck, fuck, fuck! | ||
| Like, you know, you just realize there's not a goddamn thing you can do. | ||
| If you swerve and you don't hit that... | ||
| I was like, if I swerve, I'm probably going to flip this car. | ||
| Or something fucked up is going to happen. | ||
| I'm definitely going to lose control of it. | ||
| I might be able to just ride out this impact. | ||
| That's what I wound up doing, but oof. | ||
| That's nothing. | ||
| That's nothing. | ||
| You know, I watched this video once of this car. | ||
| It was on a snowy road, and they were driving in one direction, and there's a semi driving in the other direction, and the car on the snowy road starts fishtailing, and they lose control of the car, and they go right into the oncoming lane and get hit by a semi and literally disintegrate. | ||
| It is one of the best examples of how fleeting life can be. | ||
| Like, you're watching these people, they're driving this car, and then it goes sideways, and then, zoom! | ||
| They're facing the truck, and the truck hits them head-on, 60 miles an hour. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Over. | ||
| It just destroys the car. | ||
| The car just becomes like little pieces of things that go all up in the air. | ||
| It's, uh... | ||
| It's fucked up to look at, man. | ||
| This weekend I did the Oddball Comedy Fest in Detroit, Chicago, and Toronto, and Brian Regan has his own tour bus. | ||
| That stuff is crazy. | ||
| Because you don't even feel like you're moving at all. | ||
| You're just chilling, hanging out. | ||
| Oh, you're just hanging like in his apartment. | ||
| Yeah, he has like a real state-of-the-art one like the newest newest newest and he helped design it all this stuff like he like got to like play architect with it like I want this there I want to counter their chairs there make those captain chairs instead of couches and it was just It was like being in the future because you're moving in a house that It doesn't feel like it's moving. | ||
| So does he stay in hotels or does he just stay in his tour bus all the time? | ||
| Stays in the tour bus, has a master bedroom, has everything. | ||
| You don't ever need to do anything again. | ||
| What a weird relationship he has with that guy who drives him around now. | ||
| The guy that drives him around is a second generation tour bus driver. | ||
| He's been doing it 30 years. | ||
| His father was a tour bus driver for all these big things. | ||
| And he basically bought him. | ||
| It's like when he's on tour, that's his guy. | ||
| And he's a super pro. | ||
| So he knows what he's doing like a surgeon. | ||
| And he's cool. | ||
| Obviously, he doesn't bother him or whatever. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| What a weird life. | ||
| It is unbelievable. | ||
| And it's the best thing ever because you know how after a show we have to go back to the hotel and then the next morning you have to get up and go to the airport and that takes an hour and then you have to spend an hour there early. | ||
| He leaves the venue and immediately outside of whatever the closest back door is is the door to his bus which is the house So then you leave the venue and you're immediately at your own after party. | ||
| You're immediately where you want to be. | ||
| Whoever you invite can come with you, but you leave then. | ||
| And that driver drives all night to wherever you want him to. | ||
| And you wake up the next morning in your bed. | ||
| At your destination. | ||
| Instead of waking up at a hotel and having to go to the airport, and then having to get on the plane, and then having to get out of LAX or wherever you are, you just walk out that door that you walked in from the venue, you walk out the door again, and you're at your house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I realize that this is the actual, like, new goals. | ||
| I got new goals. | ||
| It's called bus goals. | ||
| Bus goals. | ||
| You're trying to sleep, he slams on the brakes, you wake up, you get in a car accident, you catch on fire. | ||
| Didn't Ralphie have a bus? | ||
| Ralphie is a bus. | ||
| Ralphie is a mansion. | ||
| No, yeah, Ralphie has a bus. | ||
| But this, and it's cool. | ||
| But this bus, I've been on some cool buses. | ||
| I'm friends with John Rich, who's like a huge country music star. | ||
| Awesome bus. | ||
| But this bus? | ||
| State of the art. | ||
| Kevin James has a bus. | ||
| He did the bus thing for a while. | ||
| He had a bus, and he would bring the bus to movie sets, too. | ||
| You know, like, his kids could hang out in the bus. | ||
| Bus was dope. | ||
| Fully set up. | ||
| And then he drove across the country in the bus, and what he did was, his family was on the bus, and he was behind them on a motorcycle. | ||
| So it's like, so he could just ride his Harley on the fucking highway, right behind the bus, across the country. | ||
| He's just living fantasies at this point. | ||
| Can I put a Sea-Doo on top of my bus and, uh... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| You ever work with Brian Regan? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I've done some stuff with him. | ||
| He's done this podcast. | ||
| I know I've done some gigs with him back in New York, like back in the day. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He was so much fun. | ||
| You know, I've gotten to like meet all my heroes. | ||
| Ron White's been hanging out like an animal at the store, which is Super surreal because it was him and Brian Regan were our Comedy Central guys growing up. | ||
| You know, that's sort of like all you had that wasn't on HBO. So, like, you know, it was a super surreal weekend because he was very Ron White-esque. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| Like, he's down to hang with comedians. | ||
| He's funny all the time. | ||
| He's not one of those guys that, like, shuts down. | ||
| And he was just a blast. | ||
| Like, he is that guy. | ||
| So, like, if there's ever a dull moment, he can pretty much say anything, and it's funny, because it's just sort of like, you know, and it's just boom. | ||
| He's just laying everybody out. | ||
| It was a blast. | ||
| It was one of those great ones. | ||
| Like, they say don't meet your heroes, but, like, he was a fun one. | ||
| Yeah, you can meet some of them. | ||
| You can meet Ron White. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's a cool time at the store with guys like Ron White hanging out. | ||
| Everybody's hanging out there now. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I told Brian Regan all about it. | ||
| I said, you know, you have to come. | ||
| What does he do when he does LA? I don't think he does. | ||
| I don't think he really does it. | ||
| If he does, I'm sure it's like the Wiltern or something like that. | ||
| Well, when I was talking to him, he was saying he pretty much just kind of writes and does the material at his shows. | ||
| You know, he just writes new shit and does it at his shows in front of his audiences. | ||
| I'll tell you this. | ||
| It was my second year doing these oddballs and I've never seen comedians or myself. | ||
| I haven't laughed like I was laughing at him since I was a child. | ||
| Since I very first started stand-up. | ||
| You know how when you really start and you're watching guys for the first time and you're just dying? | ||
| You're like, how are they doing that? | ||
| It was like that. | ||
| Just his premises, his... | ||
| Delivery is everything. | ||
| It was surreal to watch. | ||
| Every single joke that he went into, I thought to myself, how have I never thought of that? | ||
| One of those things where over and over and over again, you're like, whoa, he's about to talk about that? | ||
| I thought only I noticed that. | ||
| And boom, you're watching an amphitheater just continuously. | ||
| He's constantly touring, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, Brian, he's everywhere. | ||
| Like, that's all he does now. | ||
| It's interesting, because he's one of those guys that, like, I feel like Bill Burr and Chappelle are always in the thing, you know what I mean? | ||
| But he is... | ||
| I mean, I'm not saying he's better or whatever, but I mean, like... | ||
| No, he's fantastic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what the difference is, though? | ||
| He's clean. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so people think of him as being not as funny because he's clean. | ||
| Because you go, oh, well, you can take your kids to go see Brian Regan. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| He's a killer. | ||
| Lays them out. | ||
| You don't even notice that he's not clean. | ||
| No. | ||
| Or that he is clean because he's so funny. | ||
| It's totally irrelevant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's just funny. | ||
| But there's been a lot of guys like that. | ||
| Like Mitch Hedberg is a perfect example of that. | ||
| Mitch Hedberg, people forget, was very clean. | ||
| He hardly ever swore, and if he did, it was totally unnecessary. | ||
| He was just having fun. | ||
| Like, Mitch's jokes were all, like, surreal weirdo jokes, you know? | ||
| There's been a lot of people like that. | ||
| Like, Jerry Seinfeld, perfect example, you know? | ||
| Not only was he clean, like, he didn't even ever touch on controversial subjects. | ||
| I had to follow him at the comedy store a few weeks ago talking about Mitzi Shore and how she has Parkinson's and she said he wasn't funny three decades before. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| It was unbelievable. | ||
| Out of everything I've done in stand-up in nine years, I've never been in a tougher position than following Jerry Seinfeld. | ||
| I always like following good people, but he just went off on a rant about how this lady that owns this club told me... | ||
| 38 years ago, whatever it was, some crazy number. | ||
| I know it's more than 30, like 34, 36 years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She told me 37 years ago that I wasn't funny. | |
| What's the deal with that? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like the room was just dying. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Speaking of dying. | |
| And then he basically dropped the mic and I had to go up there. | ||
| It was horrendous. | ||
| Speaking of dying. | ||
| Tell me about Ann Coulter. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's what I'm dealing with all day. | ||
| This Ann Coulter situation. | ||
| So Ann Coulter was at the Roast of Rob Lowe. | ||
| It wasn't live, right? | ||
| No, it was on last night. | ||
| But when did they film it? | ||
| Last Saturday. | ||
| Last Saturday. | ||
| So only a week away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So what happened? | ||
| Well, you know, this is the sixth roast that I've written for the third one that I've been a staff writer on. | ||
| And it's always interesting when someone gets booked, you know, what's going to happen, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And Ann Coulter was one of the last bookings that we had. | ||
| And I was excited to help her. | ||
| And she didn't want to do anything that the writers told her, you know, that she sort of had to do, like to be funny. | ||
| Like what? | ||
| She didn't think anything was funny. | ||
| So she rewrote everything, like the script that we originally wrote. | ||
| Anyway, she bombed really bad. | ||
| She bombed really bad, but what was she trying to avoid? | ||
| Like when you said she didn't want to do what they wanted her to do. | ||
| Well, we wanted her to write. | ||
| We had stuff in her voice, like with her angle, and a little bit of self-deprecating at the top. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| It was supposed to be like, hey, I'm Ann Coulter. | ||
| You know, you might be wondering why I'm here at the Rob Lowe roast. | ||
| It's because it's the first time that I'm not the most hated person in the room. | ||
| You know, sort of like, put it off on her. | ||
| You've got to acknowledge who you are. | ||
| But instead, she's like, nah, I don't like that. | ||
| I'm not going to shit on myself. | ||
| It's a roast. | ||
| Why would I do that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what she said. | |
| No awareness. | ||
| There's no... | ||
| I mean, those weren't her exact words, but she just said she wasn't going to do that. | ||
| She would just cut out... | ||
| You go back and forth via emails, and then all of a sudden all the good stuff is cut out, and there's bad stuff, and some of the stuff's rewritten. | ||
| Did you meet her in real life? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you meet her in real life before the actual roast, or the day of? | ||
| The day of. | ||
| I talked to her on the phone five days out, which she was okay on that. | ||
| She's like laughing at the script, but then once it's in email, you know, she rewrote it. | ||
| It was bad. | ||
| Do you really think that she's less hated than Rob Lowe? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Not at all. | ||
| Everyone loves Rob Lowe. | ||
| Who is the most hated person in the room besides her? | ||
| Was the joke about Rob Lowe? | ||
| Yeah, the joke is like, you know, she's saying that she's hated. | ||
| She's acknowledging that. | ||
| And she's saying that Rob Lowe's hated, so it's a joke. | ||
| That part doesn't need to be funny, though. | ||
| We just needed her to acknowledge that she's a piece of shit. | ||
| And she didn't want to do that. | ||
| Instead, she came out and literally is like, you might be wondering why I'm here. | ||
| It couldn't possibly be to promote my new book. | ||
| And she leans down all awkwardly and pulls out Her shitty book, In Trump We Trust, E Pluribus Awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait a minute, wait a minute. | |
| Her new book is In Trump We Trust. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait for it. | ||
| E Pluribus Awesome. | ||
| That's like the tag of the book. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And she said it. | ||
| And just the roar of booze from this crowd. | ||
| What is this book? | ||
| She loves Trump. | ||
| You ready for this? | ||
| She's catching in on that Trump shit money. | ||
| She wrote, that is her 11th book. | ||
| She's written 11 books. | ||
| She's worth a good amount of money. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| What was the purpose of having her on the roast to begin with? | ||
| It seems like the roasts have always had kind of like a goat. | ||
| You know, like Jersey Shore, they had the situation on the Trump roast. | ||
| They had that one. | ||
| Pull that back up. | ||
| I want to read this description. | ||
| Make it smaller. | ||
| There we go. | ||
| Donald Trump isn't a politician. | ||
| He's a one-man wrecking ball against our dysfunctional and corrupt establishment. | ||
| We're about to see the deluxe version of the left's favorite theme. | ||
| Vote for us, or we'll call you stupid. | ||
| It's the working class against the smirking class. | ||
| Now, Ann Coulter, with her unique insight, candor, and sense of humor... | ||
| Makes the definitive case for why we should all join his revolution. | ||
| Wow, she just bent over. | ||
| She bent over for the man who might be king. | ||
| Yeah, she wants to play that character, but... | ||
| Well, if he wins and she wrote a book like that, she's in deep, deep, deep, deep, deep. | ||
| She would be the one to defend him every time there's any sort of a public... | ||
| He doesn't like her, by the way. | ||
| He doesn't like her. | ||
| He doesn't like her. | ||
| And one of the really funny things is that he changed his immigration policy, like, tweaked the tone of it the day before that book came out, and it sort of, like, messed things up. | ||
| For her book? | ||
| Yeah, because he's sort of, like, you know, this book's, like, all about, like, Yeah, don't let anybody in. | ||
| Zero immigration. | ||
| And he was sort of just like, you know, he visited Mexico like out of nowhere, like the day before her book came out. | ||
| And she's like, uh, you know, it just wasn't good press for her. | ||
| What is he saying now? | ||
| He's saying the Mexicans have to leave and they're going to have to go through the proper channels in order to legally immigrate to the United States. | ||
| You're going to have to go back to Mexico first. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| He knows no one's doing that. | ||
| No one's going back to Mexico, dude. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| Definitely not. | ||
| Did you know that... | ||
| Who was it that tweeted this? | ||
| Pete Dominick tweeted this. | ||
| That there is like a literal 0% gross migration from Mexico. | ||
| Like, the amount of people that come over here from Mexico versus the amount of people that leave here and go to Mexico, it evens out. | ||
| There's like a zero percent migration. | ||
| That sounds like a study written by a Mexican. | ||
| Well, I was wondering whether or not it takes into account illegal immigration, and if it does, how could they possibly know what the numbers are? | ||
| They don't. | ||
| It seems like they don't. | ||
| Otherwise, you're watching the people come in, you're counting them, and then you know where they are. | ||
| Then you're like a part of the problem. | ||
| You're like letting them come over the border. | ||
| Like, how many people come over the border every day and get away with it? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I know like five people that came over here from Mexico. | ||
| They just come over. | ||
| Yeah, they just come over. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I think I would too, for sure. | ||
| I just think there's two ways to handle this, is what I think. | ||
| I think if you want to go into the magical mystery world of impossible ideas, the best impossible ideas... | ||
| Help Mexico so much that they don't want to come over here. | ||
| Because it's awesome over there, too. | ||
| Like, help them figure out how to make Mexico awesome. | ||
| But they're not going to do that. | ||
| Because the best way to get people to work for a buck a day in some fucking Under Armour factory or Nike factory or whatever they do down in Japan, which is totally legal, you know, if they want to do that down in Mexico or... | ||
| Yeah, I mean a bunch of companies make shit down in Mexico and the reason why they do it is they bring jobs to impoverished communities These people get a chance to make money more than they ever would have made on their own without these plants But they're working for significantly less than they would if they were living in the United States So it gets it gets real weird. | ||
| It's like Is it better for them than it used to be? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| But is it as good for them as it is here? | ||
| Fuck no! | ||
| Well, is it okay for a company to keep people in a position where they're never going to be in as good a position as they would if they were working in the United States with our laws? | ||
| Is it okay? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It's true. | ||
| If you buy an iPhone, you're kind of a part of the problem. | ||
| If you're buying sneakers, most likely. | ||
| They're not making sneakers in Columbus. | ||
| Do they have iPhones in Mexico? | ||
| They make them. | ||
| No. | ||
| They make some of them. | ||
| Do they make some of them in Mexico? | ||
| Some of them in China. | ||
| What if they jump off in Mexico? | ||
| No, because they're fucking hard-working people. | ||
| They're not going to dive off the building like a pussy. | ||
| They're going to finish their job, and they're going to have some tequila and party. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They do that. | ||
| Mexicans have fun. | ||
| They're the wrong people to hate. | ||
| Mexicans have awesome food. | ||
| They're festive. | ||
| They're very family-oriented. | ||
| I mean, yeah, there's drug violence, but that's just human beings. | ||
| The Mexican culture is... | ||
| They're pretty fucking chill. | ||
| As far as having neighbors, dude, your next-door neighbors could be some crazy North Koreans that want to kill you. | ||
| If you're living in South Korea, you've got real immigration problems. | ||
| You've got a real problem with your border, because you've got North Korea and South Korea. | ||
| Your fucking next-door neighbors run by a murderous dictator. | ||
| That's worse! | ||
| That's way worse! | ||
| What do we got? | ||
| We got beaches? | ||
| Taco stands? | ||
| People are cool as fuck. | ||
| They like bullfighting. | ||
| That's a little weird. | ||
| Dude, that's the best. | ||
| That's the shit. | ||
| I watched an amazing documentary on Netflix about bullfighting. | ||
| What an... | ||
| I sort of want to go see it, but I want to go to Spain to see it, I think. | ||
| The big ones are in Spain. | ||
| You're gonna have to do it soon. | ||
| I have a feeling they're gonna slowly make that shit illegal. | ||
| People, there's so much pressure. | ||
| Wait till you see the... | ||
| I mean, there's stadiums filled. | ||
| I mean, it's like... | ||
| No, I understand. | ||
| But there's also a lot of protesters, even in these European countries, where it's been a tradition. | ||
| It's a fucked up way for these animals to die. | ||
| It is very weird. | ||
| I mean, occasionally the matador gets it, and that's something that you don't see in America. | ||
| There's not a single thing that we do where you have that much of a possibility of getting murked by a huge animal with horns on its head. | ||
| I mean, bull riding, I guess, sort of, but... | ||
| I guess those guys do get stomped. | ||
| Yeah, they do. | ||
| But they're not trying to kill the bull. | ||
| It's a totally different kind of an exchange. | ||
| The bull rider is a guy who's just trying to hang on for eight seconds. | ||
| The matador, I mean, that shit will take a while. | ||
| And they're going to stab the fuck out of the thing. | ||
| People are going to hand him different swords. | ||
| He's going to try to stab it in the back of the neck. | ||
| And you've got a bunch of people that are helping him, too. | ||
| And they're poisoning that thing and throwing poison darts into it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And to get bigger, to get more famous as a matador, you take more chances. | ||
| There's this thing, one move, where you just get down on your knees and spread your legs before they let the bowl out. | ||
| And your whole thing is like that first move because it comes out of the... | ||
| You see it coming around the corner when they release it. | ||
| And you have your back to the bull? | ||
| You are starting like... | ||
| Yeah, like down. | ||
| Not back to the bull. | ||
| That would be the gangster move. | ||
| You're down on your knees. | ||
| Someone's got to do it that way. | ||
| Put your back to the bull like... | ||
| I think that's a little... | ||
| Like blade. | ||
| Wesley Snipes? | ||
| Just jump up and slice its neck off as it comes towards you. | ||
| Celebrity Matador would be a great show. | ||
| Wesley Snipes versus a bull... | ||
| Did you see the most recent bull attack matador thing where it went up his asshole? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The horn literally went up his asshole, tore his insides apart, and this thing is just ragdolling him with a horn in his asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| I think he died. | ||
| Yeah, I think he did too. | ||
| He died, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoops. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, that shit can happen. | ||
| But, I mean, I think they eat the bowl. | ||
| But it's just a fucked up way to do it. | ||
| I guess it's a tradition, but you gotta think this is like a barbaric tradition from days gone by when people didn't know any better. | ||
| It's a very slow death, too. | ||
| Did they eat all those dead reindeers that got electrocuted by lightning? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I was thinking about that. | ||
| Is reindeer good meat? | ||
| Yeah, it's caribou. | ||
| Reindeer and caribou are basically the same thing. | ||
| It's just different names for it. | ||
| Caribou is one of the most delicious of all game animals, apparently. | ||
| They're also one of the rare deer where the females have antlers, too. | ||
| Like, the male and the female have antlers. | ||
| They all have antlers. | ||
| It's to fight off wolves, apparently. | ||
| So the males have antlers to, like, headbutt each other. | ||
| I'm like, what, bitch? | ||
| But the females have antlers to, like, protect their children. | ||
| Maybe that's just a theory. | ||
| Maybe they're all androgynous. | ||
| Maybe they're just living up in the tundra that just makes hard bitches. | ||
| A lot of the women in Alaska look like they could be. | ||
| It's Pat. | ||
| Even the female deers are giant lesbians. | ||
| It's a hard life up there for a caribou. | ||
| Plus, they're all in this migration. | ||
| So when you see caribous marching across the field, you'll see maybe even hundreds of them, but they're all in a line. | ||
| There's a line of them. | ||
| So you see them coming from a mile away. | ||
| So you just get in position, find out where they're going to be, go down past where they are right now. | ||
| They seem to be going in this direction. | ||
| Sit down, wait, set the gun up, and let them walk close. | ||
| That's what people do. | ||
| They let them walk close and ba-blang! | ||
| Blam, blam, we're eating ham. | ||
| Delicious ham. | ||
| So good though. | ||
| Caribou's delicious. | ||
| So 300 of them died because they were all in a rainstorm and they were all on wet grass and the electricity hit, the lightning bolt hit and they all got cooked. | ||
| That would have been a crazy video. | ||
| It says there was five still walking around when they showed up, too. | ||
| But they had to put them down. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because they saw too much crazy shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
With PTSD. They were like, Vietnam bats. | |
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Look what they did to my crew! | ||
| They were all sad. | ||
| Caraboo who? | ||
| Lightning is fucking crazy. | ||
| You really stop and think about the fact that there are these things that float in the sky and out of them come impossibly powerful beams of electricity that split trees down the middle and cook people. | ||
| My friend Remy, who I was talking about earlier, where his dad owns that Line-X place, he got hit by lightning when he was in high school. | ||
| And he, uh, he talked about it on the podcast, and he said it was just, like, he didn't even realize what happened until after it happened, like, way after it happened. | ||
| He was just trying to come to, try to figure out why the fuck he was on the ground, and, like, what happened? | ||
| Like, it just shuts. | ||
| Your whole system just gets barbecued! | ||
| Where I'm from in Youngstown, Ohio, we had this old legendary guy called Green Guy, and he got struck by lightning as a kid and literally was green forever. | ||
| What? | ||
| Some green dude. | ||
| What, he was a real guy? | ||
| Yeah, a real guy that was just green. | ||
| Maybe he was purple. | ||
| It's been a long time, but... | ||
| Purple guy or green guy? | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Green guy. | ||
| Green man. | ||
| That's him? | ||
| Where's that photo? | ||
| That says Western Pennsylvania, but that's next to me. | ||
| I'm in Eastern Ohio. | ||
| Jamie, what's that photo? | ||
| Beaver Falls, yeah. | ||
| He looks like Snoopy or something. | ||
| He lost his face? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| This is a black and white picture, so you can't really tell that he's green. | ||
| Find a better version of the story so you can read it. | ||
| He lost his eyes, nose, and one arm. | ||
| Oh yeah, he got electrocuted. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| There was a story that I was seeing on some... | ||
| I believe it was a YouTube video the other day of this guy who was hiking and he saw a bear that was dead. | ||
| This giant bear. | ||
| And he went up to it and poked it with his knife. | ||
| And immediately exploded in electricity. | ||
| He lost his arm, lost his vision, lost, I think it lost his hearing, might have lost one of his legs. | ||
| Just got hit with an impossible bolt of electricity because the bear had dug into a power wire and bitten into the power wire and he just, by touching it with his knife, he just tapped right into that power and blew his arm completely off of his body. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've seen, you know, a few of those videos. | ||
| And what's crazy about electricity also that a lot of people don't factor in is that it sticks you right where you are. | ||
| I once got electrocuted really badly at my grandma's house when I was a kid. | ||
| You know, she had like these old, those old type of light bulbs that were like old. | ||
| Oh, fluorescent ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, fluorescent ones. | |
| Those tubes. | ||
| Yeah, they were like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, you know, a little metal handle on the sink. | ||
| And I remember I grabbed the handle and bam! | ||
| And you can't get your hand off the handle. | ||
| That's the thing with electricity is you're stuck. | ||
| So you're like, this sucks! | ||
| And you can't pull away. | ||
| You're trying, but it sticks you there. | ||
| So imagine, like, a lot of people have just had creepy fucking deaths from electricity. | ||
| You can't get away from it. | ||
| It keeps you there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Electric fence. | ||
| fence when I was a kid. | ||
| I was trying to climb up this fence to hang out with some cows or horses or something and I grabbed onto it and it was electric. | ||
| I was like, I couldn't let go. | ||
| I remember just... | ||
| It's like five seconds but it feels like forever. | ||
| Electricity is so bizarre. | ||
| The fact that we have electrical signals in our own body and that electricity is in everyone's house. | ||
| Like this room. | ||
| Think about how much you take electricity for granted, but how much it shapes modern life. | ||
| It's very rare you're not around electricity. | ||
| But electricity itself is only like a couple of hundred years old. | ||
| Like as an invention, like people harnessing it. | ||
| Like what the Ben Franklin... | ||
| When was that experiment, if you had to guess? | ||
| When did Ben Franklin have that kite with the key hanging from it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
1760. 1760. I would say... | |
| Wow, that's a crazy one to think of. | ||
| 1876. Well, he was like a 1776 guy, right? | ||
| He said he was a part of the... | ||
| He was one of the founding fathers, so... | ||
| 1752. 1752, this motherfucker's out there with a kite. | ||
| First of all, how baller must America have been back then? | ||
| Just no lights. | ||
| Benjamin Franklin was a beast, man. | ||
| He did, like, a lot of stuff. | ||
| Smoked a lot of weed. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Yep, I just made it up. | ||
| That's from, like, Dazed and Confused or something, how high that was. | ||
| Huge pod head. | ||
| Who else flies a kite? | ||
| You guys are talking over each other, Jamie. | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| That was in How High, that was this bong at the end of the Method Man movie. | ||
| It probably was a pothead because... | ||
| I think he grew it, didn't he? | ||
| Yeah, I think so, for sure. | ||
| Yeah, if you Google Ben Franklin weed, I'm pretty sure he, like, not only did he grow it, I think he talked about smoking it. | ||
| Dazed and Confused, there was that whole scene about how he grew weed and smoked it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, Ben Franklin, man, he grew his weed. | |
| They all were getting high back then. | ||
| Of course, they knew about it. | ||
| If they knew about it, they were using it. | ||
| It just didn't have the stigma it does today. | ||
| America's founding fathers loved hemp. | ||
| Yeah, didn't he write something? | ||
| George Washington wrote something about it as well? | ||
| I sort of saw it said that he had a hemp paper mill. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| But this is back when they, you know, the whole thing that fucked hemp up was the cotton gin. | ||
| When Eli Whitney came up with a cotton gin, it made it easier for them to process cotton, because before they had to use slaves. | ||
| And it was, you know, it was a real pain in the ass. | ||
| And the same thing with hemp. | ||
| Like, what they had to use with hemp was they used to have to beat it down to get to the fiber. | ||
| You used to have to smash it, and it was like a long, laborious process. | ||
| But that's what they used for everything. | ||
| The reason why canvas is called canvas is from the word cannabis. | ||
| Like hemp is what the actual paper that's used to make canvas. | ||
| Like when you make a painting, you see like the Leonardo da Vinci paintings or Mona Lisa or something like that. | ||
| That stuff is all on hemp. | ||
| Like, they made them on hemp. | ||
| Like, one of the first drafts of the Declaration of Independence, they wrote it on hemp, because hemp paper was real common. | ||
| But then they came up with a more economically efficient way to process cotton, and hemp fell off. | ||
| Then when slavery became abolished, hemp really fell off. | ||
| Because, you know, it wasn't economically feasible until the 1930s. | ||
| In the 1930s, they invented this thing called the decorticator. | ||
| And the decorticator allowed them to, like, really effectively and almost instantly process the hemp fire. | ||
| It's this big crazy machine that you crank. | ||
| And as soon as that came out, that's when William Randolph Hearst started running all those ads about black people and Mexicans smoking marijuana and raping white women. | ||
| It was all just to try to stop the hemp industry. | ||
| They turned it into a marijuana thing. | ||
| We're still suffering to this day. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| You can grow hemp now, right, in the United States? | ||
| Some spots, yeah. | ||
| Is Onnit getting it yet? | ||
| Well, we're being real careful with this marijuana thing. | ||
| Because, well, one day we're for sure going to get involved in either Colorado or Washington State. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Why wouldn't we sell, like, super healthy weed? | ||
| We'll find it. | ||
| But this is just too touch and go right now with legalization. | ||
| It's too sketchy. | ||
| Federal government is still telling people that they can't get guns. | ||
| This is the most recent ruling that you can't have a gun if you have a medical marijuana card, which is fucking insane. | ||
| Because you could drink booze all day long. | ||
| You could take pharmaceutical pills, opiates, all day long if you wanted to. | ||
| You can do a bunch of different mind-altering things and still legally possess a gun, but you can't smoke pot. | ||
| If there's any drug that you should have while you're high, when you have a gun, rather, it's pot. | ||
| If there's any drug, it's pot. | ||
| Because that's the drug that's going to make you go, I don't want to shoot anybody, man. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, all the other ones are going to, like, displace your reality. | ||
| All the other ones are going to put you in a position where you're probably going to feel less inhibition. | ||
| And you're probably more likely to shoot someone if you're drunk. | ||
| You're probably more likely to shoot someone if you're on pills. | ||
| Crazy fucks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That whole pot thing's messed up. | ||
| So, uh, back to Ann Coulter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is a silly bitch. | ||
| So what does she try to do? | ||
| She tries to write her own jokes, then? | ||
| Yeah, you know, there's, you know, I, like, I worked with Martha Stewart for the Bieber roast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she crushed it. | |
| Crushed it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Crushed it. | |
| And the first thing she said to me was, I want to kill as hard as I can, so hook it up. | ||
| Martha Stewart's done time. | ||
| That's what I want you to do. | ||
| Yeah, she's the best ever. | ||
| She's been in the pokey. | ||
| She understands shit. | ||
| At a level, Ann Coulter with her privileged lifestyle of white people everywhere she goes. | ||
| Correct. | ||
| And so Ann Coulter basically says that, you know, she doesn't like this joke, she doesn't like that joke, she rewrites this, she puts a pitch for a book at the top. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| First off, she was like third to last. | ||
| She was second to Rob Lowe. | ||
| It went Ann Coulter, Jeff Ross, Rob Lowe, end of show, right? | ||
| So all these people went before. | ||
| Ralph Macchio, Nikki Glaser, Pete Davidson, Jimmy Carr, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Anyway, and she got lit up. | ||
| And I mean big time. | ||
| Peyton Manning, Jewel, everybody. | ||
| They'd hit everybody on the dais, you know, because you always make fun of everybody at a roast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Of course. | ||
| And then you get the main target at the end of your thing. | ||
| But when people went in on Ann Coulter, they went in hard. | ||
| You know, like, very hard. | ||
| Like, Jimmy Carr had this one joke, which I loved, which I'm gonna completely, you know, destroy right now, because I don't know exactly how he's set up, but it was something like... | ||
| Ann Coulter is here. | ||
| Ann, you ugly, ratchet-faced piece of shit scumbuck. | ||
| It's like something like that. | ||
| Just like five insulting words. | ||
| Just gag at it, gag at it, gag at it. | ||
| He goes, you are one of the most insufferable human beings on the planet. | ||
| But it's not too late. | ||
| You can change. | ||
| You could kill yourself. | ||
| And the crowd just... | ||
| I mean, just... | ||
| Everybody hated her. | ||
| So she was great to have on the dais. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| She could have killed me and Mike Lawrence, who's a huge pro wrestling fan, and Sarah Tiana, who's an old school pro wrestling fan. | ||
| We looked at her like, wow, we can write her as a heel. | ||
| She'll own it. | ||
| It'll be great. | ||
| We're all going to look like superstars because we were able to make Ann Coulter funny. | ||
| But instead, halfway through the week, we realized like, oh no, she doesn't get it and she wants to do this. | ||
| And you don't want to scare her away from not being on the roast. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You don't want to be like, hey, you're going to do terrible. | ||
| Because then, you know, there's a chance that she might not do it and we wanted her there. | ||
| Because, you know, if she's going to do good, great. | ||
| Everybody's going to shit on her. | ||
| But also, you know, worst comes to worst, people love a train wreck. | ||
| And this was a train wreck. | ||
| Super train wreck. | ||
| Can we play any of it, you think? | ||
| No. | ||
| This was like a gif of a train wreck. | ||
| I gotta watch it. | ||
| Boom, boom, boom. | ||
| She was terrible. | ||
| And the one thing Comedy Central did do, which is hilarious, is the reaction shots that they chose for her jokes, like when she was on stage, are hilarious. | ||
| Like it just cuts to just people just... | ||
| Sort of just studying. | ||
| Well, she made her bones in the safest, softest world, which is the world of like political commentary where there's five different people and everybody's shouting over everybody and you don't have to say anything that's really relevant. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And especially her because she's just a button pusher. | ||
| She's a white lady button pusher and she gets up there and she says crazy things like if Canada doesn't like it, we'll invade them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She says stupid shit like that that she doesn't even mean. | ||
| And this is what she does. | ||
| She pushes buttons and Bill Maher calls her his friend and they laugh together. | ||
| And she lives in this soft world. | ||
| That world that she stepped into is not just one of the hardest worlds. | ||
| But for a person like her to go on after someone like Jimmy Carr and get crushed and then attempt to plug her book and all that jazz, I bet she has no idea what the average person's perception of her is. | ||
| Because she's dealing with that bubble, that fucking talk show. | ||
| Bunch of DC crazy idiots. | ||
| That weird bubble where she's kind of legitimate in that bubble. | ||
| She's the button pusher. | ||
| Oh, here comes Crazy Ann. | ||
| She thinks she's wacky. | ||
| And another thing is, you know, one of the main things that a roast is, when you get made fun of, you should laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because it shows that you have a sense of humor. | ||
| That's, like, the main thing. | ||
| That's why Trump did it. | ||
| Now he could be president. | ||
| Charlie Sheen did it. | ||
| You think that Trump could be president because he did a roast? | ||
| Hey, you've... | ||
| Justin Bieber's the number one artist in the world. | ||
| Oh, it's all roasts. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| If you can handle the roasts. | ||
| I'm trying to get you to want to do a Joe Rogan roast. | ||
| That's what we want. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Joe Rogan. | ||
| So when Ann Coulter does this, I'm changing the subject immediately. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Immediately. | |
| Look at that. | ||
| I'm not doing your roast. | ||
| I'm not being mean to you, and I don't want you being mean to me. | ||
| But when you do this roast with Ann Coulter, what happens when people are joking about her? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, that's the best thing, is she did not laugh at anything about her, and she always just had the same look on her face, and it stuck. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Every single joke. | ||
| Like, you just put in, just basically, hey, we want you to die. | ||
| That's the look that it would cut back to, and the crowd, when you're watching it on TV, that's funny, because she's not laughing. | ||
| He called her hatchet-faced? | ||
| Oh, ratchet, hatchet, something. | ||
| That's a horse face. | ||
| Peyton Manning said, I'm not the only champion up here. | ||
| Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby a couple weeks ago. | ||
| Peyton Manning annihilated. | ||
| Now that's a guy who, you know, and Sarah Tiana was really hands-on with him. | ||
| And, you know, he got his script, made tweaks, studied it all week. | ||
| He put it in prompter himself. | ||
| He's with the prompter guy, you know, before the show, making sure that every word is perfect exactly where he wants it. | ||
| And he stole the show. | ||
| Him and Jewel were the two best. | ||
| Jewel the singer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yes. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| She was so great. | ||
| Really? | ||
| One of the things she said right at the top of her set, you know, she's like, you know, as a feminist, I can't agree with everything that I've heard up here tonight, but as a person who hates Ann Coulter, she annihilated. | ||
| She's so good. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Who wrote for her? | ||
| That was sort of the room, hands on a lot, was a guy named George Reinblatt, good roast writer. | ||
| Some other people. | ||
| Such a smart move. | ||
| Sarah Tiana's in on that too. | ||
| Such a smart move to pair them up with comics and coach them through it. | ||
| Oh, well, I mean, they wouldn't have a chance on their own. | ||
| I know, but I mean, as far as like entertainment value, like it could have been a gross clusterfuck if you got to see their own real ideas. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But yeah, it's definitely better. | ||
| And you know, they're reading an awesome prompter. | ||
| It's show business. | ||
| So you would say that Martha Stewart's like the best ever? | ||
| I mean, you know, I'm a little bit biased, but yeah. | ||
| She's the best ever roaster? | ||
| She's just a freakishly great human being at everything she does. | ||
| She's, like, the best. | ||
| She's a baller, dude. | ||
| Not only did she have more prison time than all those other people on the dais like Snoop and Sha... | ||
| You know, like, she's just a killer. | ||
| She killed. | ||
| She's a billionaire. | ||
| She's a, you know, assassin. | ||
| They put her in jail for some weird shit, too, right? | ||
| Was it, like, knowledge of a stock sale or something like that? | ||
| Insider trading. | ||
| Insider trading? | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| So, say if you have a stock... | ||
| Okay, and you know, you're working in some company like, hey dude, I'm just letting you know right now. | ||
| We're about to sell, sell, sell. | ||
| So if you want to get out, get out now. | ||
| And I'm like, oh shit, thanks dude, I'm getting out. | ||
| And then I do that? | ||
| I'm supposed to just sit by and not do that and lose money? | ||
| Like, how does that work? | ||
| Like, if you tell me that some shit's going down and I should bail out immediately. | ||
| And I don't bail out and I lose all my money. | ||
| Then I get to stay out of jail? | ||
| Is that how it works? | ||
| I'm pretty sure, like, you just can't be super blatant about it, like the SEC or whatever it is. | ||
| I can't remember what it is. | ||
| Securities and Exchange Council. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Commission? | ||
| Commission. | ||
| Like, if they see that you just sold, you know, millions of dollars worth of stocks the day or two before something absurd happens with that company, then, you know, it's sort of blatant. | ||
| Did you ever see all that stuff that's connected to 9-11? | ||
| There's another 9-11 thing. | ||
| It's how many people sold American Airlines stock. | ||
| How many people predicted that American Airlines stock would crash. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's all like Illuminati type Bloom... | |
| Not Bloomberg. | ||
| What are those people? | ||
| Bilderberg. | ||
| Bilderberg characters. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Selling American Airlines stock. | ||
| It's probably bullshit. | ||
| Did you ever snopes that? | ||
| It says false. | ||
| It says false? | ||
| But wait a minute. | ||
| I saw this documentary on YouTube... | ||
| Put paid. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| On September 11th, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| The operation had taken years to plan. | ||
| What's it saying, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
False. | |
| Status false. | ||
| Only to delay the takeoff, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| This is a long-ass paragraph. | ||
| I'm surprised it wasn't Spirit Airlines that went into them. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I wish it was. | ||
| Spirit's a real airline? | ||
| They're the worst. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| What's Spirit Airline? | ||
| It's like all the planes that get, like, graffitied and stuff. | ||
| They just turn them into Spirit Airlines. | ||
| Goodwill? | ||
| Goodwill Airline? | ||
| Yeah, it's like they get, like, push started and shit. | ||
| They're terrible. | ||
| You have to pay just to print out your itinerary. | ||
| Ticket. | ||
| Yeah, and you have to pay per bag, like, any bag. | ||
| Like, your purse is a bag, anything. | ||
| They would charge you for your fanny pack, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'd be like, what are you doing? | ||
| What? | ||
| Well, there was a time where the lady told me that I had to take it off and put it under the seat. | ||
| Your fanny pack? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get out of here. | |
| She was just a cunt. | ||
| Weren't you the one that told me that you couldn't use Bluetooth headphones on a plane? | ||
| I use them all the time. | ||
| I've never been told anything. | ||
| Yeah, you're not supposed to. | ||
| According to the lady that talked to the guy who was sitting next to me, she said he couldn't do it. | ||
| He can't do it. | ||
| Sir, are those Bluetooth? | ||
| You're going to have to take them off. | ||
| Different lady, not the same lady. | ||
| My goodness. | ||
| But one person ever has told me I have to take the fanny pack off and put it under the seat. | ||
| I'm like, that is so stupid. | ||
| It's like connected to me. | ||
| It's your belt. | ||
| It's just like a type of pocket. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can I just put it in my pocket? | ||
| Where do you travel? | ||
| Stuff it in my pocket? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I stuff my fanny pack in my pocket. | ||
| She was just being a cunt. | ||
| But we've all seen that, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| People. | ||
| Do you remember that Airbus that used to take you to Columbus? | ||
| What was that bus? | ||
| It was Airbus. | ||
| It was called Airbus. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| JetBlue? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it wasn't JetBlue. | ||
| Airbus. | ||
| It was just called Airbus? | ||
| It was just called Airbus? | ||
| Yeah, it was like $40. | ||
| Well, we flew once. | ||
| We took this shit once and the guy fucked up his landing and had to start all over again. | ||
| He went down and then pulled out and we go back up again. | ||
| I was like, this motherfucker just had a panic attack. | ||
| I had that happen to me a few months ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| But it was like, you know, $40 a ticket. | ||
| Yeah, so cheap. | ||
| And there was a direct flight, which they don't have that. | ||
| They have one direct flight to Columbus, Ohio nowadays. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's whack. | |
| I had that happen to me a few weeks or months ago or something. | ||
| And it was flying back home to LA. And that was not cool. | ||
| It's a scary thing because... | ||
| You get used to landing. | ||
| You know, in your first, whatever, 20, 30 flights, you're like, whoa, we're landing, look out! | ||
| But then you get so used to it that you know what happens. | ||
| It's gonna just jerk a little bit. | ||
| But what's crazy is that to get it back up after going down, like, they have to go full steam all the way, engines that normally are actually pretty chill, because like a bird, they sort of just, you know, you don't have to go full blast. | ||
| But when they do go full blast, shit gets crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| And they really had to do that there. | ||
| I mean, we are down, like, we are very close to landing. | ||
| But he was coming in too fast, he said, afterwards. | ||
| And just, you just hear... | ||
| Like, engines just... | ||
| And all of a sudden, everything's shaking. | ||
| And you're like, like that. | ||
| They had to, like, really pull up hard. | ||
| It was scary, man. | ||
| Yeah, one of those, like, one out of every whatever thousands that probably that happens to. | ||
| There was a Trump plane that didn't have the landing gear pop out once. | ||
| Remember when Trump had an airlines? | ||
| Trump Airlines? | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Trump had a Trump Airlines. | ||
| And they were landing, and the landing gear didn't come down, so they skid in. | ||
| The bottom of the plane just scraped against the ground. | ||
| Sparks were flying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Trump Airlines. | ||
| Donald Trump. | ||
| He had that airlines when he was younger than me. | ||
| Like, this motherfucker's been... | ||
| He's been rich for a long-ass time. | ||
| Look at him there. | ||
| Donald J. Trump! | ||
| Is that him? | ||
| Is that him in the police car? | ||
| That's Bobby Kennedy. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| So, 29th of September, you and I are in Columbus. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| At the Palace Theater, and then we're at the Tower Theater in Philly on October 1st. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| And I'm at Boston's Wilbur Theater October 8th. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's huge. | |
| Young Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| Are you filming something there? | ||
| I'm gonna try to. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You thinking about it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just something. | ||
| We'll see. | ||
| We'll see what it turns into. | ||
| How many shows are you doing that night? | ||
| Just one. | ||
| In and out. | ||
| Easy breezy. | ||
| And you film it. | ||
| Am I filming it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I got nothing to lose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a good spot. | |
| It's a good pot. | ||
| Who knows what can happen. | ||
| Well, you were well-received last time you were there with me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bunch of savages there. | ||
| That's my kind of city, man. | ||
| Those are people that like it hard, continuous, rough, no oohs and ahs, just... | ||
| Plus, you're gonna be there in October, which is like the last bursts of excitement before the freeze. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like in November and December and January and February and then March, people start coming back to life again. | ||
| And guess where I'm going? | ||
| October 18th to the 30th. | ||
| Where are you going, bitch? | ||
| Place I've been to with you before. | ||
| We saw a little lady get kicked in the head. | ||
| Place called Australia, my friend. | ||
| I am headlining shows all by myself like a big boy. | ||
| We did see a lady get kicked in the head. | ||
| Sydney... | ||
| Melbourne and Brisbane. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| At the end of October in Australia. | ||
| Dude, that's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, we did see her get kicked in the head. | ||
| We did. | ||
| Are you going to that same place that we went to in Melbourne? | ||
| I'm not exactly sure. | ||
| The venues, I know I'm doing the Comedy Store in Sydney. | ||
| You ever done that? | ||
| Comedy store in Sydney, I did do. | ||
| Yeah, I did it with Ari. | ||
| We did a show at a theater, and then on Sunday we came back and did, I think what we did was, the fights were Sunday, because the fights were a day ahead, but they were Sunday in the morning. | ||
| And so that day we contacted the comedy store and said, hey, we want to do a show. | ||
| So we decided to do a show that night. | ||
| That's what we did. | ||
| So yeah, I definitely did it. | ||
| It's a nice little club. | ||
| I'm super excited, because I guess that's the beginning of their summer or something at the end of October? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't think it gets cold there, though. | ||
| I don't really get it at all. | ||
| It's a joke. | ||
| Summer, winter, it's a joke. | ||
| It's always warm. | ||
| Like, Australia, like, Sydney is pretty much perfect weather. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They say it's like the Dallas of Australia. | ||
| They're like, what do they call them? | ||
| The TV show or the city? | ||
| No, no, like the city. | ||
| The Dallas. | ||
| I don't even remember that TV show. | ||
| But they, what do they call them? | ||
| Cashed up Bogans. | ||
| Do you know what a cashed-up bogan is? | ||
| You're going to have to learn this terminology. | ||
| A cashed-up bogan is like a really rich redneck. | ||
| If a guy in Dallas had a Jeep Wrangler with fucking 45-inch tires and a light bar on the roof, and he's driving by the club with music playing, and he's got a Rolex on with diamonds on it, but he's obviously trash. | ||
| That's a cashed-up bogan in America. | ||
| Get it? | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| I feel like there's gonna be some cash that Bogans at some of my shows. | ||
| They'll definitely be there, for sure. | ||
| They're gonna know you. | ||
| They're gonna know, what do you think about Cyborg, mate? | ||
| Is she gonna fuck you? | ||
| You know how often I get that, by the way, just randomly? | ||
| I was at the grocery store the other day and someone hit me with that. | ||
| You better look out. | ||
| And at the UFC on Saturday, I got it a couple times actually. | ||
| You gotta find her and take a picture with her. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Make the internet explode. | ||
| Ease everything up. | ||
| Let her get you in a headlock. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Take a picture. | ||
| She could put me in a headlock. | ||
| I'll grab her dick and squeeze it. | ||
| There you go again! | ||
| I did it again, you motherfuckers! | ||
| You think I'm afraid? | ||
| Do you really think I'm afraid? | ||
| Where is it? | ||
| This one? | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Tony, good lord. | ||
| Hey man, you got a shot at the Joker now, Jared Leto. | ||
| They didn't enjoy him as the Joker. | ||
| I thought he looked great. | ||
| He's a wonderful actor. | ||
| I don't know what went wrong, but he's not really working out for America. | ||
| Now's your chance. | ||
| I'm totally ready. | ||
| If you want to help me produce it, we could do it, dude. | ||
| The one somebody made, they put that head on a better Joker body for that thing that he just Instagrammed. | ||
| And it's a better version of it, but I really want to do it. | ||
| Yeah, that Suicide Squad movie was not well received. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you see it? | |
| I didn't see it. | ||
| But you know what I saw that was fucking good? | ||
| Hell or High Water. | ||
| Dude, it's really good. | ||
| It's like a western, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's Jeff Bridges, and what is his name? | ||
| Ben Cohen, is that the guy's name? | ||
| Ben Foster, is that his name? | ||
| Ben Foster, who's a really good actor. | ||
| He's been in a gang of movies. | ||
| He's like one of those guys who just steals movies in the background. | ||
| You know what he was awesome in? | ||
| One of my favorite vampire movies ever. | ||
| I know it sounds ridiculous. | ||
| I sound like a 12-year-old. | ||
| But 30 Days of Night. | ||
| Did you ever see 30 Days of Night? | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Him and that other dude, the Star Wars dude, Captain Kirk, the new Captain Kirk. | ||
| It's a good fucking movie, man. | ||
| Good fucking movie. | ||
| Fun. | ||
| I saw Don't Breathe the other day in theaters, and that's a good one, too. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| It's about a bunch of kids that go around and steal stuff from houses, and then they find out that there's this old Vietnam vet who... | ||
| Who won a huge settlement and they have a feeling that he probably has it in cash and they show up to his house and, you know, he's blind, it turns out. | ||
| So they're like, ooh, he's blind. | ||
| This is gonna be fucking great. | ||
| Well, the catch is he can hear you and he can smell you and shit gets crazy. | ||
| The trailer is really good. | ||
| And who is he? | ||
| A bad motherfucker. | ||
| I don't know, but I've been seeing him in my nightmares and picturing his head poking in my bedroom door lately. | ||
| That movie Kevin Smith made, Red State, I think it was called, where he was the preacher. | ||
| Oh, that guy's excellent. | ||
| What is his name? | ||
| Find out his name. | ||
| That guy's excellent. | ||
| He's so scary. | ||
| Did you ever see Red State? | ||
| Like, do you see that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Do you see that one there next to the one that says, don't breathe, where he's just walking by? | ||
| Don't you spoiler alert me, fuck. | ||
| Don't you spoil it, man. | ||
| But he's blind. | ||
| So imagine... | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Don't you spoil it, man. | ||
| Alright, well you gotta see it. | ||
| You gotta see that in Death Proof. | ||
| That's not the same guy. | ||
| That's a different guy. | ||
| That's the guy from Avatar. | ||
| Is he the guy from Avatar? | ||
| He's the Marine from Avatar. | ||
| He might be right, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, so you're thinking of a different guy. | ||
| But you also have to see Death Proof. | ||
| You have to make up for that, because that's all about stunt cars, and Kurt Russell kills it in this movie. | ||
| I feel like I've told you this like 20 times. | ||
| I think you have told me a few times. | ||
| You've got to see Death Proof. | ||
| Brian, I love it. | ||
| It made me never put my legs up outside the window when you're in the passenger. | ||
| Spoiler alert. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's good. | |
| There you go. | ||
| You saw Jungle Book, right? | ||
| Yeah, I didn't like it. | ||
| You didn't like it? | ||
| No. | ||
| He's the guy from Avatar, not what I said. | ||
| Yeah, Steven Lang. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker, too, though. | ||
| This guy's excellent. | ||
| He's excellent in everything. | ||
| Kills it. | ||
| He's one of those guys that you just see in the background. | ||
| Avatar, too. | ||
| But Ben Foster, that's his name, right? | ||
| That 30 Days of Night performance, that's when I first found out about him. | ||
| He played the vampire familiar. | ||
| They had these vampires that would go to Alaska because it wouldn't get light out for a month. | ||
| There's spots in Alaska where they have a never-ending winter. | ||
| You ever work in Alaska? | ||
| No. | ||
| Dude, we've got to do a gig in the summer in Anchorage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go. | |
| Take me hunting. | ||
| It's a two-part trip. | ||
| Nah. | ||
| You need some work. | ||
| It's hard enough for me. | ||
| I can't hold your hand. | ||
| But fishing's easy. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And fishing in Alaska is fucking awesome, too. | ||
| So you go salmon fishing, and then you do shows at night. | ||
| You come out. | ||
| You do a midnight show. | ||
| It's 2.30 in the morning. | ||
| You go outside. | ||
| It's light out. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| It's just light. | ||
| It's just light. | ||
| It barely gets dark. | ||
| It gets dark for the tiniest amount of time, but it's not really dark. | ||
| It gets like 7.30pm dark, and then it becomes light again. | ||
| It's real weird. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Those are my hours. | ||
| That might as well be when the sun's up for me. | ||
| Yeah, Alaska is cool as fuck too. | ||
| Anchorage in particular, people up there are super nice. | ||
| Normal, fun. | ||
| You can hang out with them and talk to them. | ||
| And they're hearty people. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There's not a lot of pussies that live up there. | ||
| You just really can't. | ||
| You really can't be a pussy and survive in Alaska. | ||
| It's not the way the people are, and it's not the way the environment is. | ||
| In order to survive in that environment, you've got to be a self-sustaining person. | ||
| You've got to be able to change a tire. | ||
| You've got to be able to dig yourself out of a snowstorm. | ||
| You've got to be able to start a fire. | ||
| You might have to make an ice tent, one of those ice igloos to survive. | ||
| That's where Jewel's from, Alaska. | ||
| She is. | ||
| Do you know her family is those people that are on that reality show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Somebody had the joke. | ||
| They're like the Kardashians if they were freezing to death. | ||
| She seems very smart, too. | ||
| Jewel, I'm telling you, man, this was the one. | ||
| I mean, her and Peyton both. | ||
| For example, one of the cool things was doing soundcheck earlier in the afternoon. | ||
| There was a part where they had to reload the prompt or something like that. | ||
| She's just doing a run-through. | ||
| But she did her performance with a guitar in her hand. | ||
| And she would only play in between... | ||
| While, like, people are dying of laughter. | ||
| You know, just like that. | ||
| And then she would stop and she would start her next joke. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| What a great idea. | ||
| I mean, if you have all the writers of the roast laughing, then you did it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because we've been laughing about these jokes for a week already. | ||
| So if we're watching you for your third time saying them and we're still cracking up, then... | ||
| What did you think about Rose Battle being on television? | ||
| Were you happy with the way it came out? | ||
| Or did you feel like it was too big? | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I think that it's gonna get better. | ||
| I feel like that's like UFC 1. You know what I mean? | ||
| If that makes sense? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that it should be regular. | ||
| I think that it should get bigger. | ||
| I think they shouldn't just make it a once a year special event. | ||
| I want to see it every week. | ||
| I want to see it get bigger and breathe and let it grow and get the cameras right. | ||
| How often should they have Ralphie Maybach? | ||
| I don't think Ralphie will do it anymore. | ||
| Do you think that they, like, the way they're doing it right now in these big environments, do you think that it takes anything away from it? | ||
| Like, don't you think that, like, I was watching it, and I'm, like, looking at where the judges are and the performers are, and everything's all so lit up, and I'm like, this is not the belly room. | ||
| Like, part of the beauty of Roast Battle is how intimate it is. | ||
| You're preaching to the choir on that one. | ||
| Why don't they just do it in the belly room? | ||
| You're preaching. | ||
| I mean, I'm the guy that literally, like, I mean, I've been annoying, you know, Jeff and Brian and everybody about this since they started it years ago. | ||
| I literally was going, you should be doing with this show what we're doing with Kill Tony and just get it out there. | ||
| I mean, if they put that thing on the internet... | ||
| That would be huge! | ||
| Huge. | ||
| And you become a bigger fan as you see it more, and you learn the characters more. | ||
| There's literally 75 UFC analogies with this thing, with Roast Battle, because there's different styles and all this stuff, and you sort of have to be good at everything. | ||
| You have to be able to hit a rebuttal, and you have to be able to just do a joke right in the pocket. | ||
| And, you know, it's timing and execution. | ||
| The haters' table, too. | ||
| It's been, like, clipped. | ||
| It's been edited. | ||
| It's been censored. | ||
| It's not the roast battle that we know, because it's kind of like the TV version of it. | ||
| Even the wave didn't make sense. | ||
| Well, the racist stuff that Skigel says is so ridiculous and over-the-top, but so hilarious. | ||
| Certainly some things aren't going to make it to Comedy Central. | ||
| They already pushed the limits. | ||
| Well, they should put them on YouTube. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| They should have just done it on YouTube from the jump. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Well, the podcast, you know, you can download the podcast. | ||
| That's at Death Squad. | ||
| What, Roast Battle? | ||
| Yeah, it's called Verbal Violence. | ||
| So we have the Roast Battle uncensored on there, so you can hear all the stuff. | ||
| You can hear everything? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How come you don't talk about that? | ||
| Play the Roast Battles? | ||
| Yeah, it's called Verbal Violence. | ||
| We're on, like, a lot of episodes. | ||
| We've been doing it for a while. | ||
| How come you never talk about that? | ||
| I always talk about it. | ||
| I've never heard you talk about that once. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've literally never heard you talk about a podcast where you take all the roast battles and you put it online. | ||
| Do the roasters all know they're being put online? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| It's been on for over a year. | ||
| How do I not know this? | ||
| Do you know this? | ||
| Jamie, you know it? | ||
| Coach T records them all. | ||
| They're sounding pretty good. | ||
| Coach T does a real good job on it. | ||
| They do something like they'll have Kim as a guest, Kim Congdon. | ||
| Then they'll interview her about her battle and they'll play the whole battle. | ||
| So they make it like special events. | ||
| So it's not like last night's is going to be on there. | ||
| They just pick out all the good ones. | ||
| They interview the people and they'll reflect on the battles. | ||
| They don't play the whole battles the whole way through. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't play all of them, though. | ||
| They'll play the whole thing, and then in between they'll interrupt a little. | ||
| Oh, so he just edits it and does whatever he wants and cuts in and out of it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So it's good for podcasts, because they kind of have to explain some of the battles, because a lot of the battles are inside jokes and stuff, and so that's why they have kind of cuts in between where they talk. | ||
| Why don't you film it? | ||
| They do. | ||
| They film it on Periscope. | ||
| Why don't you put it on YouTube? | ||
| I don't know why they don't do it. | ||
| I don't think they're allowed to. | ||
| Not anymore, yeah. | ||
| With the Comedy Central deal? | ||
| The new thing? | ||
| Yeah, but they've been doing this for over a year. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| I don't think these networks get it yet. | ||
| If they had... | ||
| If they had a huge built-in following, then you get those numbers when they switch over. | ||
| Those people are always going to go find the TV show. | ||
| Well, they figured it out with This Is Not Happening. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They figured it out with Ari's show. | ||
| I mean, Ari's show started out as a Comedy Central internet show, which was basically uncensored and had much longer stories. | ||
| Like, Joey could tell a 10-minute story or something on that, whereas now, everything has to fit into those commercial breaks. | ||
| So they're editing a lot of stories. | ||
| They chop stories up and they shorten them and take a little of this out and take a little of that out. | ||
| The best way is to see them live. | ||
| Especially Roast Battle. | ||
| Same thing with the actual roast, too. | ||
| I wish that it was more live and you would see the highs and the lows because it makes the highs a lot better. | ||
| Yeah, why don't they do them live? | ||
| Why don't they just have a live event? | ||
| Is it too difficult to film a live TV event? | ||
| It's expensive, right? | ||
| It's a lot more expensive. | ||
| I think they just get to go in and really perfect it. | ||
| The little bit that I did watch last night, Joel Gallen, the EP of that roast, who's done every single roast, all the MTV video awards, he's a genius. | ||
| And to get to see the reaction shots that he does match them up with, that you can only get halfway there live, but to see... | ||
| You get more bang for your buck because you get the joke, Then you get the reaction from the person who was made fun of. | ||
| Then you get the audience. | ||
| And if you match all those things up right, you get the joke, reaction, boom. | ||
| You're laughing at four things at once. | ||
| I think going in and doing the surgery to that probably benefits the show. | ||
| But still, I think that's too long of a turnover a week. | ||
| It should be the next night or something. | ||
| They could do that continuously. | ||
| Kill Tony is another show that works best in that little room. | ||
| It's great in the big room, but it's just not as good. | ||
| We're getting better at it though. | ||
| We've been doing every other Monday in the main room and it's getting like big and fun and cool. | ||
| We got, you know, Pat Reagan and Jeremiah Watkins, Joel Menezes. | ||
| So it just has a different feeling when you do the bigger one? | ||
| It's getting bigger and better. | ||
| We're getting better at it. | ||
| So you like it, but what do you prefer? | ||
| Really, honestly, I sort of like what we're doing right now. | ||
| We really should just take over Mondays in the main room and commit to it and have special ones, you know, like a chill one, be in the belly room once in a while, just a throwback episode, because I'm starting to fall in love with the main room. | ||
| And I think that if we keep doing it there, it's just going to keep getting bigger. | ||
| And to have the chance of having... | ||
| 400 people every Monday at 8pm, like have it be like a Fuck Mondays show pretty much, which it's sort of turning into. | ||
| Like we had like, I don't know, 100 people there last night. | ||
| Over 100 last night, yeah, it was amazing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now... | |
| With Dom Irera, as the only guest announced. | ||
| Dom Irera's perfect. | ||
| That's all you need. | ||
| And just murder the whole time. | ||
| Do you feel like there's something extra creepy about watching somebody bomb in front of 80 people though? | ||
| It's like there's a feeling in the in the belly room when someone's eating a plate of shit in the belly room. | ||
| It's a different feeling. | ||
| Yeah, you can hear their heartbeat. | ||
| It's so intimate. | ||
| It's so fucked up that you smell them. | ||
| You smell the fear. | ||
| You smell their insecurities. | ||
| You see the sweat start to pour on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Boy, who the fuck stole that joke? | ||
| Who stole that idea? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Didn't someone steal the idea? | ||
| Oh, the Kill Tony? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wouldn't say stolen. | ||
| I mean, we'll see, like, what happens. | ||
| But according to some of our friends in New York, like, the guy who's doing it's cool and, like, wouldn't do that type of thing. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Ron Bennington. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bennington? | |
| Bennington? | ||
| That's the Ron and Fez guy. | ||
| Yeah, seems very cool. | ||
| I don't know him, though. | ||
| What I've heard, though, is it's actually a company that just takes a lot of West Coast's ideas, like Roast Battles. | ||
| They made a generic version of Roast Battle for the East Coast. | ||
| Same people? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so they're just kind of picking and choosing what they want to steal, and they rebrand it. | ||
| I was upset the first day or so, but like Tony said, let's just see what happens. | ||
| Once Big Jay Oakerson and a couple other people were like, I think Ari hit me up, and it's like, yo, just let you know, Bennington guy's cool. | ||
| Let it die out. | ||
| And I'm like, alright, you got me. | ||
| Because I love those guys. | ||
| So, I mean, if they're saying that, we're basically like brothers across the country. | ||
| What's sketchy, though, is because Joe Rogan podcast has been on Sirius for the last couple years. | ||
| I don't know if it's on anymore, but they used to rebroadcast it. | ||
| And for years, we've talked about Kill Tony and the format and stuff. | ||
| And the same show is on the same network. | ||
| So that's a little kind of creepy. | ||
| And we've had everybody on the show. | ||
| Well, listen, you guys have been doing Kill Tony for how many years now? | ||
| Over three years. | ||
| Yeah, everybody knows about it. | ||
| It's not a surprise. | ||
| And it's an interesting format. | ||
| It's a funny format. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and limiting them to a minute, like, gives plenty of time for awkwardness, but it doesn't let it get completely out of control. | ||
| And that's the part where they messed up. | ||
| Like, if they were gonna do it, they made a huge fundamental mistake, because they just made it so that the comedian, I guess, can, like, just ring a bell at any point, which, of course, these New Yorkers... | ||
| You know? | ||
| Think it's hilarious to probably interrupt seven seconds in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ding! | |
| Oh, I got one for you! | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| New York comedy! | ||
| Just unstoppable! | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Do you have a problem with New York comedians? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| I mean, I don't have a problem, but, like, they're, you know, come on. | ||
| Anybody that knows what I'm talking about knows what I'm talking about. | ||
| East Coast, West Coast, man. | ||
| Oh, I got something for you! | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| The elbows and the shoulders. | ||
| What are you doing here? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| You know, they're the best out there. | ||
| Are you mocking New York comedians? | ||
| They're the best. | ||
| No, you seem to be mocking them. | ||
| What? | ||
| I started in LA. Are we going East Coast, West Coast? | ||
| I just need to know. | ||
| Tupac, baby. | ||
| I just need to know where I stand because I'm going to be in the East Coast soon in November and I don't want any issues. | ||
| I just want to say that I was born in New Jersey. | ||
| Do you identify with East Coast in some ways? | ||
| I actually think East Coast comics are nicer and less backstabby and more real. | ||
| Go move to New York for a year, Brian. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| You mean they're nice to you when they're in town and want to do your podcast to promote something? | ||
| No, no, it's weird because out here it's like you don't really, you know, there's a lot of fake shit out there. | ||
| Well, that is true. | ||
| This is a climate of fakeness with auditions and meeting producers and all the bullshit that comes with trying to be a working actor in L.A. It definitely taints comedy. | ||
| There's a lot of people that you all know that are semi-comedians that do a little stand-up here and there, but they never record anything, and they occasionally go on the road, but really what they do is they work as actors, and then they dabble in comedy. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Those are weird fuckers. | ||
| Because they're not fully in, and the way they behave and talk and think is just a little shade off. | ||
| It's like a hybrid between an actor and a comedian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they, you know, I don't know. | ||
| They're different in New York. | ||
| It's like, hey, I did 17 sets tonight. | ||
| It's like, well, that's good. | ||
| Well, how much value are you putting on those 17 sets? | ||
| Because I did one set at the Comedy Store and know that this new two minutes works exactly like this and, like, it's a higher level. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know, man. | ||
| It depends on how much time you're getting. | ||
| If you're doing 15 minutes at the Comedy Store, it's a decent amount of time. | ||
| One of the problems with those short sets is you're doing five and seven minute sets and there's a bunch of people doing them. | ||
| Those are really hard to get anything weird going. | ||
| They're really hard to express points of view on things and elaborate on those points of view and have those points of view tie in with other ridiculous things that you notice in life. | ||
| You don't have enough time. | ||
| And I love New York comedians, don't get me wrong. | ||
| I'm just hating on this show specifically. | ||
| Like, what I heard of this show that's like the people said where they kill Tony ripoff is just a bunch of people ringing the bell immediately. | ||
| Yeah, they don't even let the poor comic even do their first joke without them bashing them. | ||
| Because they think it's funny to interrupt. | ||
| And so, like, without that tension being built over 60 seconds, you don't know whether you like them, whether you hate them. | ||
| You just know that this, you know, person on the panel is just being annoying. | ||
| Well, when I do your show, it's always this weird combination of, like, I try to be funny, but there's part of me that just wants to give, like, actual advice. | ||
| It's part of it. | ||
| It's like a balance of the two. | ||
| And then part of me wants to, like, let people know, like, whatever you're thinking is happening right now, like, whatever you think, like, this is work, this is a mess. | ||
| Like, someone needs to explain this to you that this is all a mess. | ||
| And, like, if you just... | ||
| Last night we had people bombing one after the other, after the other, after the other, and you thought that the show was just Bombers Row, and then finally we go to the bucket one last time, and there was one, you know, this young black guy, 22 years old, that's been doing it for five years, fucking destroys, and you're like, holy shit. | ||
| He's a wrestler? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| He just moved here from New York. | ||
| Well, he's not a wrestler anymore. | ||
| He went to high school with John Jones. | ||
| He wrestled in high school, he wrestled in college, and now he's grown up. | ||
| And he's a killer. | ||
| He's coming. | ||
| 22 years old. | ||
| There's a lot of them out there. | ||
| Something Shine. | ||
| David Shine, I think his name was. | ||
| Now, do you think anybody bombs on purpose? | ||
| Is there anybody that goes out there and purposely tanks it? | ||
| There's been a few trolls. | ||
| I think people want to do good. | ||
| Yeah, there's been a couple trolls, but they don't last a second. | ||
| I immediately get rid of them. | ||
| You can't just come on and plug something. | ||
| You're done. | ||
| Like a book? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| And Coulter. | ||
| Alright, let's bring this bitch home. | ||
| It's 4.30. | ||
| Good night, everybody. | ||
| Kill Tony on Monday's Comedy Store. | ||
| Alternating between Main Room and Belly Room. | ||
| Wednesday, we're both at the Death Squad show at the Comedy Store. | ||
| Wednesday night, 8.30. | ||
| Is that when it starts? | ||
| 8.30. | ||
| Burt Kreischer, Christina Piszewski, Steve Renazzisi, George Perez, a bunch of people. | ||
| Yeah, it's a big-ass show. | ||
| Big-ass show, you fucks. | ||
| And then September 29th, Tony and I are at the Palace Theater in Columbus. | ||
| What did I say? | ||
| 30th? | ||
| Oh, yeah, 30th. | ||
| Don't go to the 29th. | ||
| We won't be there. | ||
| Go to the 30th. | ||
| The 30th, we're at the Palace Theater in Columbus. | ||
| And then the first, we're at the Tower Theater in Philadelphia. | ||
| That's it, you fucks. | ||
| Red Band on Twitter. | ||
| Red Band on Instagram. | ||
| Tony motherfucking Hinge Club. | ||
| I'm touring like crazy. | ||
| Come see me, please. | ||
| TonyHinchCliff.com. | ||
| Like a loony person. | ||
| We're doing Kill Tony at the Come and Take It Festival, November 18th. | ||
| Houston, Texas. | ||
| And in the Podfest. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| September 23rd. | ||
| All right, folks. | ||
| We'll be back tomorrow with Andreas Antonopoulos. |
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