Sept. 7, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:43:18
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Worst. | ||
| You know that Tommy Bunz is here when you start getting tweets that say, my jeans are high and tight and I'm ready. | ||
| If anybody ever started calling each other mommies or saying jeans are high and tight, we'd have to drive to their fucking house and beat their ass. | ||
| You want to talk about a niche that you guys have carved out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jeans high and tight. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It feels silly even saying it sometimes. | ||
| Like when I say it, I'm like, this sounds so crazy. | ||
| But that's your show, though. | ||
| Your show is fucking silly as shit, man. | ||
| Your mom's house. | ||
| If you haven't heard it, it's hilarious. | ||
| It's an awesome podcast. | ||
| And now you guys have a real studio now. | ||
| Yeah, we finally moved out of our house and got a proper studio and a proper office building with real professionals who are like, who the fuck are you guys? | ||
| It's just like what's happening to podcasts, man. | ||
| Slowly but surely, podcasts are being forced to be more and more professional. | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy, right? | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| We walk out of our studio door in this really nice building. | ||
| There's an accountant to the right, a lawyer across from me, and a shrink to the left. | ||
| And they're like, what do you guys do? | ||
| I'm like, just farts and stuff. | ||
| Do you ever scream? | ||
| Do you guys scream? | ||
| Yeah, but here's the thing. | ||
| They also are like, what kind of front is this? | ||
| Because we're there a couple times a week for a couple hours. | ||
| We're never there. | ||
| So when they do see us, they're like, oh yeah, you guys. | ||
| We scream sometimes, and we don't go check on people, but we assume that they're like... | ||
| We don't even want to know. | ||
| Well, do you swear? | ||
| Like, when you scream, do you swear? | ||
| Like, you fucking bitch! | ||
| Like, you must, right? | ||
| Yeah, sometimes. | ||
| You get crazy. | ||
| It gets crazy, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes it gets pretty loud, and it's certainly offensive to them. | ||
| I mean, for, like, those... | ||
| Regular nine-to-fivers, there's no way they think that's normal stuff. | ||
| Those poor bastards. | ||
| A lot of them are listening right now. | ||
| People in those kind of offices are listening. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That shit is soul-sucking. | ||
| It is. | ||
| I talk about it sometimes. | ||
| Did you ever do an office office job? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I never did an office office job. | ||
| I had job jobs, but never in an office. | ||
| I just knew from the time, whatever it is, ADD or whatever the fuck it is, I knew there was something wrong with my brain or something right with it. | ||
| I knew there's no way I'm ever going to be able to sit in an office. | ||
| I just can't do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I think back to when I did it. | ||
| I did it for a while at different places. | ||
| And I realize now, looking back on that, how depressed I was. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| It was really depressing. | ||
| And sometimes now, when I don't feel like doing something for my career now, like I'm bummed out to go do something, you know, like, I don't know, press or an audition. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Morning radio. | |
| Yeah, morning radio or something. | ||
| Morning TV. Way worse than morning radio. | ||
| Way worse. | ||
| Actually, it's way worser. | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| But when I think of that, sometimes I'll remind myself, like, oh, remember the real job that you had to do, you know? | ||
| And sitting in that cubicle? | ||
| It really was misery for me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I imagine it is for a lot of people still. | ||
| I did labor. | ||
| I did a lot of construction gigs. | ||
| My stepdad's an architect. | ||
| And so I got a lot of gigs on construction sites. | ||
| I call them gigs. | ||
| Jobs on construction sites. | ||
| But the worst one I ever got was my buddy Jimmy. | ||
| He got me a job. | ||
| We were building a Knights of Columbus Hall, and we had to build a wheelchair ramp for it. | ||
| That's what we were doing. | ||
| And it was just the entire time I was working for them. | ||
| I only think I lasted two weeks. | ||
| I was carrying cement and pressure-treated lumber. | ||
| So I was getting splinters in my fingers from pressure-treated lumber and carrying bags of cement. | ||
| And then at the end of the day, I would try to go work out. | ||
| I'd go to the gym and try to work out. | ||
| Collapse. | ||
| I was so tired. | ||
| And plus, I wasn't hydrating correctly. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| And I, you know, I was an idiot back then. | ||
| I was eating, like, fucking pastrami sandwiches for lunch. | ||
| Like, I wasn't eating healthy foods all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, I do that. | |
| Well, I do too, but I mean when you're working all day, you should be eating throughout the day. | ||
| If you're doing that kind of labor, the amount of calories that you're burning by carrying lumber and sandbags, cement bags... | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| It's exhausting. | ||
| I remember my first, first ever job was construction, where I was a freshman in high school. | ||
| It was the summer after freshman year, so I'm 14. That's not even legal. | ||
| You're not even supposed to be working. | ||
| Well, here's the job. | ||
| My friend's dad... | ||
| Bought really, really shitty apartment complex and was renovating it to make it, like, decent. | ||
| So he hired us because we were, like, slave labor, like, free, basically. | ||
| He'd be giving us, you know, whatever the regular rate is, it's half of that, but you're 14, 15, so you're like, yeah, that's a shitload of money, right? | ||
| And we were in Florida. | ||
| In the summertime, in apartments with no AC, laying tile. | ||
| So you're on your hands and knees, you know, putting the grout, laying the tile, and just the heat, it was just cooking you. | ||
| It was an oven, you know, like 100% humidity, 96 degrees outside. | ||
| On your hands and knees, sweat, just pools of sweat. | ||
| And then some, like, actual construction, like, stop sweating! | ||
| And you're like, I can't. | ||
| They would tell you to stop sweating? | ||
| Yeah, because you're getting the sweat in the grout and shit. | ||
| So then they'd come by, throw you a towel to clean up your sweat as you're laying tile on the ground. | ||
| I had a summer job where I was putting insulation in walls and attics in the summer. | ||
| And so you're sweating like a pig in Massachusetts. | ||
| It's hot and muggy. | ||
| You're sweating like a fucking pig, and that shit gets in your skin. | ||
| Literally, the fibers from insulation get in your skin. | ||
| It gets in your clothes. | ||
| It gets in your neck for some reason. | ||
| It attracts it. | ||
| It'll always be in here. | ||
| Ugh! | ||
| Just, you're breathing it in. | ||
| You wear those little stupid masks. | ||
| But those things don't do jack shit. | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, they might keep, like, large particles from getting sucked right into your trap. | ||
| But they come in the sides. | ||
| They're breathing in air. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| I bet if you could look at it on, like, some sort of an infrared scan and see the particles coming in and out, like, you're taking that stuff in your lungs. | ||
| Imagine the guy that does that for 40 years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| That's what it does to him. | ||
| You know, it's really freaky man people that work in coal mines Have you ever watched they had a reality show for a while about coal mines? | ||
| But I think they probably realized hey, we better fucking not have this cuz someone's gonna die while we're filming Yeah, and then people gonna you know be mad at us for making the show but they do live shorter lives, right? | ||
| Yeah They get black lung. | ||
| They literally get black lung. | ||
| I mean, you are 100% gonna breathe in coal dust all day. | ||
| You're in a mine. | ||
| You're in a hole in the ground where they're digging and they're pulling out coal. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking nutty, man. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's really depressing to think about that that's what you're doing every day. | ||
| And in West Virginia and all these really, really poor places where they have these mines, they get pissed when city people want to come in and shut down the mines. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sturgill Simpson, do you know who he is? | ||
| Country music star? | ||
| I know the name. | ||
| Brilliant, brilliant singer, but awesome, awesome dude, too. | ||
| Is he from there? | ||
| He's, yeah, and he has a song about it. | ||
| You know, he has a song about, I think it's called King Cole. | ||
| It's so depressing, but part of it is that people from the cities come in and they want to shut the mines down. | ||
| And he was describing it to me. | ||
| He was like, you've never seen poverty like this. | ||
| He's like, these people don't have nothing. | ||
| In the song he talks about welfare and pills. | ||
| Have you ever seen The Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia? | ||
| Yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy Jesus! | |
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| That's what it's like. | ||
| If you've never seen this, it's so worth seeing. | ||
| Might be the greatest white people documentary of all time. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It goes toe-to-toe with any... | ||
| And for any white person that talks trash about other races, well, you know, we're just different. | ||
| Watch The Wonderful Whites of West Virginia. | ||
| Yeah, anybody who thinks that white people are different than anybody else, this is what people are. | ||
| What people are is extremely malleable thinking organisms that adapt to their environment. | ||
| When your environment is all criminals and pills and welfare and scams, you just grow up in that environment. | ||
| That's who you are. | ||
| That's who you are. | ||
| And it shows that you really are a product of that. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| That whole family is just unbelievable how they really are the same The same organism, you know? | ||
| It's different people. | ||
| They're from the same family in the same area. | ||
| And there is no, like, one that's got it together. | ||
| It's like, it's... | ||
| Yeah, there they are. | ||
| My favorite is the girl. | ||
| My name is Sue Bob. | ||
| Yes, Sue Bob. | ||
| My name is Sue Bob. | ||
| Sue Bob, I'm the sexy one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've always been the sexy one in the family. | |
| They're kind of like running through the beats at the beginning. | ||
| I love that one of them is like talking about pills and she's like, I think she's got like Xanax and she's like, pick these up for like two bucks. | ||
| And she's like, I'm gonna run over here and sell them for six. | ||
| It's a little boot scoot and boogie right there. | ||
| Her profit margin is four bucks, and she's thrilled about it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The one chick, the way she talks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She literally talks like this, like you can't believe that she's a real person. | |
| That's her right there. | ||
| Yeah, you're doing a toned-down version of it. | ||
| I've always been the sexiest one in the family. | ||
| See if you can find her voice, Jamie, because when you hear her talk, you're like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| That's not a real person. | ||
| I've always been the sexiest one in the family. | ||
| I used to have a buddy when I lived in New York. | ||
| It's gonna be her. | ||
| I gotta hear this. | ||
| This is her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, I used to be a stripper back then when I was 17, 18, 19 years old. | |
| I made the boot coups of money. | ||
| I'd bring home at least $15,000 to $2,000 a night in my boot. | ||
| And I've always been a sexist one in the family. | ||
| I've always had comments from thousands of people. | ||
| Oh, this is such a good documentary. | ||
| It's really great. | ||
| I had this buddy who was, when I lived in New York, who's racist. | ||
| And he's a good dude, but he would say shit about black people. | ||
| I always get really mad at him. | ||
| We always had disagreements about race. | ||
| And he would go, look, he goes, it's not racist if it's everywhere you look. | ||
| He goes, if you see, he goes, it's just being honest about what you're seeing. | ||
| I said, no, because if you grew up in that environment, you would be them, you dumb motherfucker. | ||
| You know, Westchester County. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| In some nice white neighborhood, you know, like all your problems, you attribute all your problems, because he had problems, but he would attribute all his problems to his family and his fucked-up upbringing. | ||
| I'm like, well, think about your problems and how mild your fucked-up-ness was compared to these people that live in Harlem. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or these people that live in the Boogie Down in the South Bronx that you're always shitting on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, if you grew up in that environment, you wouldn't be special. | ||
| You wouldn't stand out as being this guy who gets it together and is showing up for work every day. | ||
| You'd be smoking crack just like them. | ||
| We are a product of our environment. | ||
| Well, it's like people, they don't think that... | ||
| They don't think about how lucky they are just to be born somewhere in a certain circumstance. | ||
| I was shooting the intro to my new special. | ||
| We're shooting a one-minute short that plays right before the special. | ||
| Like a little sketch, basically. | ||
| And we were shooting it all over L.A. And we ended up in East L.A. in Ramona Gardens in the Hazard Projects. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh! | |
| This shit is no joke, right? | ||
| And as we're there, I was, like, just thinking about, like, man, like, because all these kids came up to us because they saw the, you know, the cameras and the equipment, you know, the boom and all that. | ||
| And they were, like, they were just interested in what we were doing. | ||
| And they were young kids. | ||
| I mean, they're teenage kids. | ||
| I just couldn't help but think about, like, man, like... | ||
| This funny thing, because it's still considered Los Angeles, I was like, when you say L.A. to these kids, this is what they think it is. | ||
| This is L.A. to them. | ||
| Like, the projects here. | ||
| They don't think of L.A. as Hollywood or Bel Air or, you know, Malibu. | ||
| Like, everyone's perspective on what that is just depends on where you're from or how you're brought up. | ||
| Like, they have a really rough neighborhood, man. | ||
| Really rough. | ||
| Like, that's Mexican mafia, you know, cartel kind of shit. | ||
| Like, you know, it's... | ||
| Face tattoos. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Yeah, a lot, man. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| It's scary shit. | ||
| And those kids were just born there. | ||
| Yeah, you just get a shit roll of the dice. | ||
| You go to school with all those crazy kids that are dealing with whatever they had to deal with when they were growing up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| There's a real problem in our culture where that doesn't get addressed. | ||
| Like, when you hear Donald Trump on TV talking about, like, Mexicans coming over here, they're all rapists and murderers. | ||
| Hey, dude, we got plenty of rapists and murderers right here. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And some of them, I assume, are good people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What a dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I assume. | |
| Some of them. | ||
| Some of them. | ||
| The idea that nobody ever talks about what a real issue that is. | ||
| People will lay out problems, like tax problems. | ||
| They'll lay out, like, here's the problem with taxes in this country, and this is my plan. | ||
| I want to institute a flat tax, and I want to do this, and I want to do that. | ||
| But nobody ever goes, like, these are kids that are growing up in these environments that are fucked. | ||
| And the burden that they have is so much more than the burden that someone has if they're growing up in Pasadena. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know, extreme poverty, that's a real, real issue that affects a lot more people. | ||
| And we have it in this country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| People always think of it as, you know, because it is, you know, more extreme, let's say, in other places. | ||
| But there's a lot, there's millions of people in this country that live in extreme, below the poverty line. | ||
| Like, Yeah. | ||
| Yearly income. | ||
| The cost of living is higher here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, like, if you compare the extreme poverty here, compare the extreme poverty in Bangladesh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure Bangladesh has more extreme poverty. | ||
| And it's probably more extreme even in the context of, like, even if you look at the cost of living. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's still no excuse. | ||
| It's like there's no thought at all about trying to fix those issues. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People, yeah, it's not on their mind. | ||
| It's fucked, man, because you think about it. | ||
| How much time do you have? | ||
| You ever met someone who had a fucked up childhood and you go, man, if you could just get out of your own way, if you could just figure out how to get out of your own way and deal with all the shit that has messed you up up until this point, you'd have so much more opportunity. | ||
| You'd have so much more. | ||
| You would get things done more. | ||
| Sometimes they didn't even have a fucked up childhood. | ||
| You just meet them and you're like, get out of your own way. | ||
| You're putting the obstacles in front of yourself. | ||
| I think a big problem, and a lot of people have it in different facets of their life, is just denial. | ||
| Denial's a big thing. | ||
| People live in denial about any number of things. | ||
| About, you know, jobs, about money, about looks, about weight, about sex, about everything. | ||
| But, like, that denial, you can really, you can sink into it and live in it for decades. | ||
| You live your whole life in denial. | ||
| I see people like that a lot. | ||
| Yeah, you know, if you don't want to look at what you're doing wrong, if you don't want to look at what you need to clean up. | ||
| And it's really that they're scared of the feelings. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It's just a fear of, like, if I face that, what will that be like? | ||
| And I think the reality is, most of the time when you do... | ||
| It's not as bad as you thought. | ||
| It's the fear of that feeling is worse than the feeling itself. | ||
| Well, the feeling, even if it does suck, once you get over it, the feeling of overcoming that is so much better than the feeling of just dealing with it and putting it in the box. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| You know, the people that ignore reality or hide from reality, you're only gonna get so far with that. | ||
| You're always gonna have those boundaries up that you can't overcome. | ||
| Because you've put them up to protect yourself from the truth and part of what it is about being a person when you're trying to get better at something, you've got to be able to look at the truth. | ||
| You have to be. | ||
| And if you don't look at the truth in certain aspects of your life, that's going to creep into the other aspects of your life too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like the whole thing of, you know, being organized at your desk is going to spill out to your house and your car. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You do one thing right, it will spill out to the rest. | ||
| And if you do things wrong, it'll spill out, too. | ||
| Yeah, there was an old saying in the gym, like, live every minute like a champion. | ||
| Do your homework like a champion. | ||
| Do, you know, whatever chores you have to do, do that like a champion, and you'll be a champion in everything you do. | ||
| Be a champion in everything you do in life. | ||
| I'm not doing that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My office is a mess. | |
| It's hard to do that and everything. | ||
| That's my biggest fucking problem right now. | ||
| I should make a video just to shame myself of my office because I get these packages, boxes of shit that people send me and that companies send me and they fucking stack up in my office. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| My house looks clean because, you know, I have a wife and she's organized and stuff. | ||
| But my office looks like I'm a fucking hoarder. | ||
| If my office was my whole house, you'd be like, Jesus. | ||
| I put a dent in it this weekend, though. | ||
| Alright, I got home. | ||
| I put a dent in it Thursday and another dent in it on Sunday. | ||
| I got rid of a lot of shit. | ||
| I feel like someone sneaks into my place and puts shit there. | ||
| Because I filled up eight trash bags, like big ones, of just clothes and shit and cords and papers and then like... | ||
| It's like a week or two later, I'm like, where'd all this shit come from? | ||
| Like, there's new shit. | ||
| I feel like I haven't bought it or anything. | ||
| It's just spilling out of places. | ||
| I have cables that go to things that I don't even own. | ||
| And don't you hold onto them? | ||
| Yeah, but what if I do get another Garmin navigation system? | ||
| Garmin! | ||
| I want to put it in a rental car. | ||
| I had like three or four of these fucking stupid Garmin's. | ||
| Oh, the new one's different. | ||
| Let me get the new one. | ||
| This one, you download the updates from the internet and you plug it in with a USB. For sure. | ||
| This is exciting. | ||
| I threw away cables. | ||
| I'm like, this is a male-to-male USB cable. | ||
| Do I need it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a bucket! | |
| You know you don't need it. | ||
| If you need it, you go to Fry's and you get a new one. | ||
| Yeah, but I had to talk it out like I was on Hoarders. | ||
| My wife was like, are we cool to get rid of this? | ||
| And I was like, let me think about it. | ||
| It means something to me. | ||
| That and boxes. | ||
| The box that the shit came in, I'm like, just keep those boxes. | ||
| It's like, for what? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It came in that box. | ||
| We should keep that box. | ||
| Is part of that from, you know, we were all poor? | ||
| Like, we were all, at one point in our life, we were all poor. | ||
| And when you're poor, you know, you, like, everything is, like, precious. | ||
| You gotta keep the shit. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| I think it almost goes back to, I think it goes back to, like, Christmas, childhood Christmas, where it's, like, the box that the thing came in is, like, is as exciting as what's in it. | ||
| And... | ||
| It was also super important to returning things. | ||
| In my house, my mom returned fucking everything that she bought, and then got a new thing. | ||
| She was always exchanging. | ||
| So I feel like I'm almost attached to, I might need this for the product later, even though I never do. | ||
| I've never returned. | ||
| Do you ever return things that you buy online? | ||
| I've only done it once or twice out of a hundred purchases. | ||
| I don't do it a lot. | ||
| My wife does it every month. | ||
| No, I could not do that. | ||
| Every month, she's sending something back. | ||
| I bought it, I tried it, it didn't work, I didn't like it. | ||
| I'd be overwhelmed at the idea. | ||
| I bought shit that's been pretty expensive. | ||
| I'm like, I don't really like this, and then I just keep it. | ||
| Like an asshole, like it just sits there. | ||
| Online shopping is a real fucking problem for some people. | ||
| It's become more of a problem than any other kind of shopping. | ||
| You realize where it's going to go, too? | ||
| It's going to be that there's no stores at some point. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the stores that exist, they'll probably be like either stores for like large appliances. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Something you have to actually go. | ||
| And check out. | ||
| Or maybe like, well, like small stores that are like owned by people, like small. | ||
| Have you noticed that like there's these... | ||
| Fake, like, craft restaurants. | ||
| They're, like, fake. | ||
| Meaning that, like, they use, like, raw metal and, like, weathered-looking wood that's not really weathered. | ||
| It's not really old wood. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, there's this, like, trend. | ||
| That's a whole look. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's, like, what is it called? | ||
| Craftsmen? | ||
| It's like this trend to make everything look like it's... | ||
| Vintage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was the thing with clothes for a long... | ||
| I mean, it probably still is, right? | ||
| Where it's like the jeans that you buy that look like you've had them for three years. | ||
| Oh, that have holes in them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're all like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those are embarrassing. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Faded. | ||
| It's like it's a natural faded look, but actually they did it in a factory. | ||
| Like they... | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Made it look faded. | ||
| Well, they beat them up, too. | ||
| They wreck them and rub them with wire brushes and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's kind of a weird thing. | |
| Yeah, it's very weird. | ||
| It's weird that girls can still wear them. | ||
| Girls can still wear jeans with all these fake holes in them. | ||
| Dudes can't wear that anymore. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| The jeans for a guy, there's pretty much... | ||
| Well, there's pretty much three things that are acceptable. | ||
| You're either like a skinny jean dude guy, right? | ||
| Like, that's just your look. | ||
| You can wear them like skin tight. | ||
| Baggy jeans. | ||
| Or, fuck it. | ||
| Like, I'm giving up on things. | ||
| Sweatpants. | ||
| It's like sweatpants, or it's like that dad jean, like where they're kind of like whitewashed almost, like they're like light, light, light, light blue, where it doesn't look that good really on anyone, and they kind of wear them a little too high. | ||
| High and tight. | ||
| High and tight, yeah. | ||
| That's what you're saying, high and tight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there's certain looks that are still acceptable for women, though. | ||
| Women can go way further with the looks, yeah. | ||
| They can have holes all over their jeans, from their pockets all the way down to, like, their knees. | ||
| How about the, speaking of high and tight, the super high-waisted, over-the-navel look, where it still looks good? | ||
| That's a new thing, right? | ||
| It's like it was old and it came back, yeah. | ||
| And then... | ||
| Over the navel? | ||
| Yeah, over the navel I've seen it, yeah. | ||
| That's unnecessary. | ||
| But you only see it on, like, really fit women. | ||
| Like, it's not like, you know, like, that's like a sexy look. | ||
| It's like, you know, they do that, they can wear a low-cut one, whereas it's below the waist, or you can see it, like, super low. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Well, we like it like the smallest amount of cloth between your vagina and air. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| That's what we like. | ||
| If you're wearing, like, some sort of a fucking jumper suit that goes all the way up to your neck, and it's made out of corduroy. | ||
| Yeah, no, I don't know. | ||
| That's too much work. | ||
| And then there's like, it's almost amazing sometimes where like, you see, I'm not even saying at the beach, like I'm in a restaurant, a hotel, ass cheek hanging out of those jeans where you're like, it kind of stops you in your tracks for a second, right? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's a real ass chick. | ||
| You're almost naked in this hotel lobby right now. | ||
| And then she's just like getting another key for the room. | ||
| Thanks a lot. | ||
| And you're like, do you know how you're walking around right now? | ||
| Are you talking about pants or shorts? | ||
| Shorts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Half of your vagina is hanging out. | ||
| Is hanging out. | ||
| And then she's like, could you not look at me, please? | ||
| Thanks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If she's climbing, if she's stepping up a stair, like climbing a stair and then drops her keys and bends over to pick it up with one leg up, you'll see her pussy. | ||
| That little lip's going to fall out. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Especially if she's got those... | ||
| Horse lips? | ||
| One can only hope. | ||
| Yeah, and they fray them down to get the crotch. | ||
| It's so small. | ||
| It barely holds it all together. | ||
| Barely. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, I'm celebrating that look. | ||
| I'm not critical of it. | ||
| But it still is amazing that that's... | ||
| A choice in society, right? | ||
| Like, the barely clothing look. | ||
| They're working hard, and it's a girl choice. | ||
| It's like, dudes can't wear Daisy Dukes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Unless you're trying to get some dick. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you can get that dick with that, for sure. | ||
| You can get that dick. | ||
| Yeah, guys, you would wear Daisy Dukes and, like, Timbalands with, like, scrunchie socks. | ||
| That's a hell of a look. | ||
| But there's a certain look where, like, unquestionably, that dude's willing to suck your dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| Like a guy with a construction hat on, wearing Daisy Dukes, no shirt, and scrunchy socks with Timbalands on. | ||
| That dude's just sucking dick. | ||
| That's what he's here for. | ||
| And if you see that dude, and you make eye contact, and you just grab your dick, like that, he's going to come over and attack it. | ||
| Especially you with that beard. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You fucking manly bastard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This beard man. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Some dudes are not into that. | ||
| They're into the twinks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're into the twinks. | ||
| But you can get in trouble from saying twink. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| Twinks now. | ||
| Is that off the table? | ||
| The guy who owns Bravo got in trouble for saying twink. | ||
| He called somebody a twink. | ||
| The gang guy? | ||
| Andy Cohen? | ||
| Who's up About as gay as a guy can be. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he's about as gay as a guy. | ||
| He's like, I would say, like, perfect gay, too. | ||
| Like, he's got it all going on. | ||
| Handsome. | ||
| Handsome. | ||
| Successful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wealthy. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he probably... | ||
| Great suits. | ||
| Just gets dick any time he wants. | ||
| Oh, tossed at him. | ||
| His phone probably runs out of batteries every five minutes because it's just vibrating from dick pics. | ||
| He gets tired of dicks. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| I mean, how long can a battery... | ||
| How many dick pics can a battery get before it just dies? | ||
| I bet that guy knows. | ||
| That's an experiment, yeah. | ||
| Andy knows the answer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ask Andy. | |
| That's the name of that segment. | ||
| It's called Ask Andy. | ||
| He should be the guy that they test all their iPhone batteries on. | ||
| He's got so many dicks. | ||
| He's just so successful. | ||
| And he's handsome. | ||
| He's got salt and pepper hair. | ||
| Some people don't know this. | ||
| He's not just higher talent. | ||
| He's the executive. | ||
| He makes... | ||
| The programming choices, yeah. | ||
| It's pretty remarkable. | ||
| Well, it's hilarious that he has all these housewives, like, bitching at each other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Those fucking shows have gotten so brutal. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I watched the Real Housewives. | ||
| My wife watches the Beverly Hills one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| So we had it on the DVR in the gym in the house, so I said, let me watch this fucking shit and see if I get angry enough to lift. | ||
| Yeah, I can't watch that Real Housewives one. | ||
| It doesn't make you angry enough to lift. | ||
| It makes you confused. | ||
| You feel so bad for those women. | ||
| You want to take them on a psychedelic retreat or something. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I understand that this is a job and that you're kind of getting paid to be this person. | ||
| It becomes intoxicating because you get all this attention. | ||
| And then you kind of get caught up in the momentum of being on the cover of these magazines. | ||
| And this girl's got a feud with that girl and I won't work with her. | ||
| But when you watch them scream and yell at each other, Oh my God. | ||
| I can't watch that after a while. | ||
| I can't watch the... | ||
| Because those shows, they ride on... | ||
| The fuel of that show is confrontations. | ||
| And after you watch so many people argue and insult and get just mean and shitty, one commercial break after the other, there's a certain point where I tap out. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| Well, it's also for nothing. | ||
| Right, nothing's happening. | ||
| Nothing of substance is arguing, yeah. | ||
| It's not like somebody robbed someone in some sort of a business deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I told Kathy that my party was Friday, and she said she was bringing Ramon. | |
| And I was like, you can't fucking bring Ramon. | ||
| It's not your party, bitch. | ||
| I can't believe... | ||
| And then, like, that's... | ||
| That is... | ||
| The episode. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is that Kathy's bringing Ramon to the fucking party without asking. | ||
| Maybe if you would just get off those fucking pills, you would know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bitch. | |
| Fuck you, bitch! | ||
| These girls were... | ||
| One of them was going on. | ||
| She said something about, you know, everybody knows about your husband. | ||
| You bring my fucking husband up, you fucking bitch! | ||
| She throws a drink at her and throws a glass at her. | ||
| We don't even know. | ||
| It might not even be real. | ||
| They might have orchestrated it. | ||
| They might have said, she's going to bring up your husband and you're going to freak out. | ||
| So when she brings up your husband... | ||
| Freak the fuck out. | ||
| Just freak the fuck out. | ||
| Throw a glass. | ||
| And she threw a glass, but she threw it kind of in her direction. | ||
| At the ground. | ||
| If you're throwing a glass at somebody, it's already assault. | ||
| If you hit someone with a glass, the glass breaks. | ||
| I think that's assault with a dangerous weapon. | ||
| It means glass. | ||
| You can fuck someone's face up. | ||
| If someone's really trying to hurt you with a glass, they throw it at you. | ||
| But they're not throwing it at you. | ||
| They're throwing it at the ground, like in front of you, to make a point. | ||
| It's so dramatic and fake. | ||
| Take all those bitches and bring them to that project that you went to. | ||
| Bring them to West Virginia. | ||
| Make them hang out with the Real Housewives. | ||
| Real Housewives. | ||
| I always been the sexy one in my family. | ||
| Oh, you fucking, what are you talking about? | ||
| I'm sexy. | ||
| Look at my lips. | ||
| You want Xanax? | ||
| Four bucks. | ||
| Just opening up her lips and stuffing trouts in it. | ||
| Catfish. | ||
| Plumping her lips up with just fish guts. | ||
| Speaking of dicks. | ||
| Did you already talk about that guy with now the biggest dick in the world? | ||
| We haven't talked about it. | ||
| The Mexican gentleman that has an 18-inch, 20-pound dick? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where the circumference of the head is 10 inches? | ||
| That dick pic, that would get Andy moist. | ||
| It makes... | ||
| Not really. | ||
| I think nobody wants an ass that stretched out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Plus, that's like a horse dick. | ||
| That's like the guy who fucked to death by the horse. | ||
| It's a horse dick. | ||
| It's probably bigger than a horse dick. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| Well... | ||
| The horse dick was literally like an arm. | ||
| This is pretty close. | ||
| He said it's ruined his life. | ||
| He said he's like... | ||
| I don't know why it affected work, but he, you know, affected jobs. | ||
| He said no woman wants to be with him. | ||
| Yeah, but he's probably a fucking loser anyway. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you think he's having fun listening to this episode? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, God damn it! | |
| He's Mexican. | ||
| He can't speak English. | ||
| He could. | ||
| We're not going to stop Mexicans from downloading the podcast. | ||
| They're rapists. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Don't say that. | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| Every time I go to San Diego, I'm surprised at how many people come to my show that are from Tijuana. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They come up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can come up. | ||
| There's this illusion. | ||
| People have this idea that it's impossible to visit the United States from Mexico. | ||
| You could totally visit. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| You can come up all the time. | ||
| Like, people come up from T1 all the time. | ||
| Like, whenever I do shows down in San Diego, I do... | ||
| Either I do the parlor... | ||
| What is that fucking place? | ||
| Not the parlor. | ||
| What is that shithole? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh... | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm doing the Balboa Theater next time I'm there. | ||
| But every time I go, I always meet people from Tijuana. | ||
| How big is Balboa? | ||
| It's pretty big. | ||
| 2000. Oh, it's pretty big. | ||
| It's a good spot. | ||
| You don't do the clubs ever? | ||
| I do sometimes. | ||
| I do American Comedy Club. | ||
| I did that before. | ||
| That's small. | ||
| I used to do La Jolla Comedy Store. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| I heard that's really nice, right? | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| I used to do that spot, but then I didn't do the store for like seven years. | ||
| But now that I do the store again, I might do that. | ||
| I would be into doing it. | ||
| I love that place. | ||
| You're going to get a call today about that shit. | ||
| It's a fun spot, man. | ||
| Nick DiPaolo recorded one of his CDs there. | ||
| At La Jolla? | ||
| Yeah, I think his first CD recorded down there. | ||
| It's a great spot. | ||
| It's like the OR and the Comedy Store, but it's in La Jolla, which is a fucking great neighborhood, by the way. | ||
| It's a nice neighborhood. | ||
| That's not the Hazard Projects. | ||
| No, La Jolla, though, is tricky if you're raising kids. | ||
| Because I have a friend who grew up in La Jolla, and she's like, it's all just, everyone's fucked up on drugs. | ||
| Like, those kids are on oxys. | ||
| In high school, they're snorting meth, and they're doing all kinds of crazy shit. | ||
| It's like, everybody's ignored by their parents. | ||
| There's, like, no real sense of community. | ||
| There's rampant materialism. | ||
| There's, like, these, there's a, oh, poor baby. | ||
| Oh, you're growing up too rich. | ||
| But what I am saying is everybody's got their problems. | ||
| There's a comfortable medium somewhere, but the rich people that ignore their kids and that are just constantly focused on just making money, that develops some fucked up kids, man. | ||
| Everything you describe reminds me of the rich kids of Miami. | ||
| Oh, yeah! | ||
| Something about the beach, you know. | ||
| Like the southern beach culture with lots of money, where it was just so... | ||
| Kids grew up way too fast. | ||
| In Miami, you can grow up way too fast. | ||
| With sex stuff, with drugs. | ||
| It's like, dude, what? | ||
| You're having sex? | ||
| You're fucking 12. That's so crazy. | ||
| Well, I had to get into concert, so I had to suck some dick. | ||
| Okay, okay, okay. | ||
| Good answer. | ||
| Yeah, it is dangerous, man. | ||
| But those cultures, like, where you have the rampant materialism, and Miami's one of the biggest, showiest cultures that we have in this country. | ||
| When you drive down the street, you're going to see people that have these crazy cars, and they have, like, neon under the cars. | ||
| Having a Ferrari is not good enough. | ||
| You have to have a Ferrari with neon underneath it, and you have to have big giant wheels. | ||
| There was a fucking... | ||
| This guy had a BMW. I was in Miami recently. | ||
| I flew from Costa Rica to Miami, and I put a picture of the car on my Instagram page because it was so ridiculous. | ||
| He had a BMW with like 35-inch wheels, like wagon wheels on it. | ||
| It was so stupid, it didn't even seem real. | ||
| I couldn't believe that those were the real wheels he had on his car. | ||
| And that was in Miami? | ||
| Yeah, the guy who was a driver told us what it was, what they call it. | ||
| They have like a name for it, they call it, like when you put giant wheels on your car down there. | ||
| Super black? | ||
| No, I think it's Puerto Rican. | ||
| I don't know if it's super... | ||
| Is that super black? | ||
| Is that a black move? | ||
| I mean, I think it's always... | ||
| I've always associated it with black stuff. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That culture down there. | ||
| There's something about the culture. | ||
| That Miami swag? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's something about that culture that is also not quite... | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Look at the wheels on that thing. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Yeah, look at the fucking wheels on that thing. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| Look at the size of those things! | ||
| I mean, that is a four-wheel drive, like, looking wheel that should be on... | ||
| That's a sweet ride, man. | ||
| That's a nice car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's a nice BMW. He fucked it all up with that. | ||
| Yeah, it looks like they're probably three or four sizes too big. | ||
| At least. | ||
| It's so fucking stupid. | ||
| And it's got the deep dish. | ||
| That doesn't go with that car at all. | ||
| Yeah, what is it about having bigger wheels that anybody would ever think would be good? | ||
| That took off... | ||
| I want to say that took off in the... | ||
| I feel like in the 90s, everybody, the whole thing was to get 20s. | ||
| And then I remember the first time I heard somebody in a rap song was like, I'm sitting on 22s. | ||
| I was like, oh shit, he went up two inches! | ||
| Like, deuce deuce! | ||
| That was a thing. | ||
| And then it just, I must have just taken off. | ||
| It's always about trumping that, right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| 26! | ||
| Yeah, what do you got in yours? | ||
| I'm sitting on 35s, man. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Do you remember when they used to have the dub thing by the front fender that would show, like, it would have, like, the number 26? | ||
| Oh, remember that? | ||
| Yeah, to show you what I'm riding on, dawg. | ||
| You know, like a Boss 427? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like those old Mustangs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| They would have it on the fender to let you know what was under the hood. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| They would put that next to the front fender. | ||
| The wheel size. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let you know riding on some dubs. | |
| And dubs means 20s, right? | ||
| Yeah, that's 20s, yeah. | ||
| So the magazine Dub is all about 20s. | ||
| 20s, man. | ||
| Dub sack. | ||
| That's the 20 sack. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Take the dub. | ||
| That's all about the... | ||
| What a goofy culture. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the Miami culture, on top of that, has the echoes of the cocaine import business. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Because when I was in Miami, my buddy Steve Graham did his residency. | ||
| He went to... | ||
| I think he either went to medical school down there, but he did his residency down there. | ||
| And he's an ophthalmologist, and he worked in the emergency room. | ||
| And he would show me these crazy fucking pictures of dudes with light bulbs stuffed up their asses. | ||
| So many people would come into the emergency room with things stuck in their ass. | ||
| Like, a guy had a gun stuck in his ass. | ||
| A gun? | ||
| A gun stuck in his ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I didn't ask. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Yeah, like a.22, stuffed in his asshole. | ||
| Do you think that that's about showing up someone who's like, hey man, you know, I had a fucking light bulb in my ass. | ||
| He's like, you think you're fucking tough shit? | ||
| And then he just grabs a gun and shoves it in his ass? | ||
| I'll show you, bitch! | ||
| I'll show you where I keep my gun, bitch! | ||
| You see how raw I am? | ||
| You want to know how real I am? | ||
| Spits on his gun. | ||
| Just shoves it right in there. | ||
| Raw dog. | ||
| All the hard edges of that metal. | ||
| You know, it's not a smooth, oval shape. | ||
| You gotta do some damage. | ||
| God. | ||
| I'd be scared of fingernails. | ||
| Forget about a fucking gun. | ||
| Remember the guy? | ||
| You saw the one guy, one cup, one jar. | ||
| Yeah, I saw it. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| God, that's terrifying. | ||
| And it breaks, and he's like... | ||
| Well, it breaks and cuts him open, and then he starts shitting out these chunks of glass, like a clink, clink, clink. | ||
| You don't hear him whimper at all. | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He didn't even... | ||
| He probably wanted to be hurt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's certain people they believe have different sensors, like they have a different sensitivity to pain. | ||
| Like literally, they don't feel pain the way other people feel pain. | ||
| And they think that that's like a lot of folks that are extremely into piercing. | ||
| They get real nutty with tattoos and piercings and... | ||
| Lips, eyes. | ||
| And then self-mutilation. | ||
| They say that some of those folks, they can't feel. | ||
| And then also, it has something to do with some of them. | ||
| Obviously not all of them, but some of them it has something to do with emotional pain. | ||
| Yeah, that makes sense to me. | ||
| I also have heard about that sensory receptors... | ||
| In our brains and some people can get overlapped where things that are supposed to be like a pleasure receptor goes to pain and pain goes to pleasure, you know? | ||
| So something that's supposed to hurt you ends up feeling good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Something that's supposed to be like, you know, that your brain's supposed to tell you don't do that ends up being like, this is good. | ||
| Put a gun in your ass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Put a gun all the way in your ass. | |
| That's such a crazy thing to do. | ||
| Remember that bit on Jackass when he has the car in his ass, the little tail guard? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| That's one of my favorites of all time. | ||
| Was that one or two? | ||
| I think that's in one. | ||
| That's in one. | ||
| Do you know, I've never watched all... | ||
| Don't put it up. | ||
| I've never watched all of Jackass. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No. | ||
| I only watched a couple stunts from one of them. | ||
| I can't... | ||
| There's something about those guys doing that shit, even though I know they're alive because they already did it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's something about that that... | ||
| I don't like, and one of the things that I don't like is because I've been around dudes like that, not to the extreme that those guys take it, because those guys go too far, but I'm always like, you guys are gonna get fucked up, and then it's not gonna be funny anymore. | ||
| Like, what you're doing now is adorable if you don't get killed or maimed or paralyzed. | ||
| Throughout the thing, every time, basically every segment, someone should be hurt, maimed, paralyzed, or killed. | ||
| Every time. | ||
| Yeah, without question. | ||
| It's so crazy what they do. | ||
| And the idea that you're getting attention for this is crazy because now other kids are gonna get attention for the same fucking thing and they're gonna try to up you. | ||
| Everyone tries to up everybody and it gets to this point where You know, you're gonna hit a wall and you're gonna fucking die. | ||
| Yeah, no, it's crazy. | ||
| I mean, well, that one guy did die not doing a thing. | ||
| Well, he was drunk driving. | ||
| He was drunk driving, yeah. | ||
| But I think that had to have something to do with the way they were living. | ||
| They live crazy. | ||
| Dudes push each other. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And if you're in that environment where Mikey's so sick, he's the sickest. | ||
| You think you're sick? | ||
| What do you mean, Mikey? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then Mikey's like, I'm gonna do a flip off this building. | ||
| Don't do it, Mikey. | ||
| You know what, Mikey? | ||
| I'm gonna put a gun in my ass right now. | ||
| Like, you're tough shit? | ||
| I'm crazy. | ||
| I can't watch those. | ||
| I can't watch those. | ||
| This bit is actually, though, it's the funniest and the least crazy, as in you don't see anything being done. | ||
| You just see the guy go to the doctor, and he goes to a Spanish-speaking doctor, and they do an x-ray, and there's a toy car on his ass. | ||
| And so it's the doctor just talking to them. | ||
| And he's speaking Spanish the whole time. | ||
| He's like... | ||
| He's telling somebody else that this guy was partying. | ||
| And he's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's hilarious. | |
| Carlito means a little car? | ||
| Is it Carito? | ||
| It's like, yeah. | ||
| Not like Carlito's way? | ||
| No, no, Carito. | ||
| It's not like a little car. | ||
| Carro, but Carito is little car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I see, I see. | |
| So he has a little car in his ass. | ||
| It's a toy car in his ass. | ||
| That doesn't bother me as much as like when Johnny Knoxville, after he was a movie star. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| After he's a movie star, he's doing fucking that- Major motion pictures, yes. | ||
| And he puts a blindfold on and lets a bull- It's crazy. | ||
| Charge him and flip him through the air. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| I know, the whole time you're like, it is crazy that they're alive. | ||
| Fuck, man, that bull. | ||
| When that bull launches him, and he doesn't know where the ground is, I mean, I guess you have a sense of gravity, but he can't see. | ||
| No. | ||
| He's got a blindfold on, so he literally has no idea. | ||
| And that bull, just by sheer luck, doesn't stomp him to death or shove a horn through his asshole. | ||
| Or how about when he got, I think in one of those... | ||
| You know, it's one of these things where you know it probably better than anybody. | ||
| He goes into, I think, an antique store. | ||
| Oh, Butterbean. | ||
| Dude, and just lets him unload. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Butterbean is not obviously a super fit guy, but he can throw fucking hammers. | ||
| And he's just punching him in the head with everything he's got. | ||
| Bouncing off of and he's punching him into walls and shit, you know? | ||
| Was that where he they did it because I mean Butterbean did one with them where he beat one of the guys up. | ||
| I forget which one it was he knocked guy out I think yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I don't think it was Johnny Knoxville. | ||
| I don't think it was. | ||
| Was it Johnny Knoxville? | ||
| And then there was the one where they had another guy go in with a female Muay Thai fighter. | ||
| She was fucking lighting him up. | ||
| She beat the fuck out of him too. | ||
| I'll take that over Butterbean. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Butterbean's goddamn terrifying. | ||
| That fucking dude hits hard. | ||
| Yeah, he's fat as fuck, but he's also a giant dude, you know? | ||
| And if you stand right in front of him, you know how strong you have to be just to carry around all that weight? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, if Ralphie May lost all that weight, do you know how strong his legs would be? | ||
| Yeah, because every time he stands up, he's squatting, whatever, that entire, yeah. | ||
| He's carrying 500 pounds. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, when he walks down the street, he's carrying 500 pounds. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| That's the amount of muscle strength that's required to do that. | ||
| I mean, the pressure on his joints and his knees and his ankles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's crazy. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's amazing that guys like that can even walk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, when you see those... | ||
| I was at Disneyland recently, and there's people in these scooters, like everywhere. | ||
| Everywhere you look, there's people in these scooters. | ||
| They're just overflowing on the sides of the scooters. | ||
| These people have just committed to eating so much that they're like, you know what? | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| I'm just going to motor around everywhere I go. | ||
| My joints, they're just not designed for this. | ||
| My back's not designed for this. | ||
| But I'm not going to fix anything. | ||
| I'm just going to keep eating. | ||
| I think they get overwhelmed by how far gone they are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's too hard to stop. | ||
| And also, part of the problem is that all your pleasure now comes from that. | ||
| Your pleasure comes from food. | ||
| Like, I get a lot of pleasure from food. | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| You know, it's hard to pass up on some yummy food when someone, like... | ||
| You pass by a hot dog stand, and you see the sauerkraut, and you smell the dogs, and you're like, oh, I could go for one of those right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| One of those sweet buns, those smushy white bread buns. | ||
| It's all dog shit. | ||
| It's all terrible for me. | ||
| You know what you got me into? | ||
| I blame you. | ||
| But it's not there anymore. | ||
| But I did it with you a couple times, and I was like, this is... | ||
| And I started to do it without you and pretend I'm you. | ||
| Like, when we would get back on flights in the Delta Terminal, and that place that used to have that chocolate croissant... | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| It's gone. | ||
| That place shut down. | ||
| But we would go there on return flights and get a chocolate croissant, and it was super rich, flaky. | ||
| It was buttery. | ||
| It was really buttery. | ||
| It was like a real good croissant. | ||
| The pastry part of it was very fluffy and buttery. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the chocolate was... | ||
| You know who's got the most dogshit croissants on the planet? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who? | |
| Starbucks. | ||
| You said it right when I was saying it. | ||
| You knew. | ||
| I knew. | ||
| God, their croissants are dog shit. | ||
| And they were even worse. | ||
| They upped their game recently. | ||
| How recently? | ||
| Well, I mean, when was the last time you had one? | ||
| A couple months ago. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And that was the worst? | ||
| It was horrible. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Because if you had what they had last year, it would be even more dramatically dog shit. | ||
| This is a Russian bakery that I go to, and their croissants are fucking banging. | ||
| Dude, a great buttery chocolate one. | ||
| This place, they make their own. | ||
| Yeah, that's the key. | ||
| Starbucks, it comes in this little plastic thing, and they open it up. | ||
| Yeah, they hire a company. | ||
| Yeah, they become corporatized. | ||
| You don't have to do that. | ||
| You could make it in-house, or at least heat them up in-house, have some deliver to you. | ||
| This Russian place I go to, they sell coffee too, and they have chocolate croissants there. | ||
| I'll take you if you want to go. | ||
| Oh, I want to go. | ||
| We'll go after this. | ||
| I want to go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll take you. | |
| It's not that far. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, let's go. | |
| It's so good. | ||
| They're the best chocolate croissants I've ever had in my life. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I'm so into it. | ||
| I go to a place near my place that they bake them there and they lay the chocolate and it's like... | ||
| These Russians, they take it to another level. | ||
| They take it to another level. | ||
| They also put chocolate chips on top of the croissant. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| So they fill the inside of the croissant with chocolate chips. | ||
| It's melted down when they cook the croissant, and then they put chocolate chips on the top, and then it's like a shiny glaze, and you bite into it, and it's like, oh, Christ. | ||
| Next level. | ||
| Next level from the place that was in the Delta Terminal, which was also next level. | ||
| Yeah, that was great, man. | ||
| That was great. | ||
| You know, and the thing is about eating that rich food, too. | ||
| Is that now, for me, I love food too. | ||
| I get so much pleasure from food. | ||
| If I work out the way I've been working out now, where I'm doing pretty hard workouts, I feel that thing where it's like... | ||
| You reward. | ||
| Oh yeah, I can eat anything. | ||
| Which I can't, but I do. | ||
| Reward yourself, Tommy. | ||
| Tommy, eat a 26-ounce ribeye right now. | ||
| It's waiting for you, Tommy. | ||
| Butter. | ||
| Butter on your rib eye. | ||
| How about a little butter? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| A little garlic butter? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Let it melt in there. | ||
| Cut into that flesh and have that butter. | ||
| Dip it in the butter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lobster mac and cheese with truffle oil and breadcrumbs. | |
| How about different kinds of cheese, too? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Multiple different cheeses. | ||
| Dirty slime. | ||
| A good mac and cheese, like a really tastefully done gourmet mac and cheese, is fucking hard to pass up on. | ||
| When you pull the mac up, the cheese strings, the melted cheese is clinging to the fork. | ||
| TLC did one of those shows where the best mac and cheese places in the country. | ||
| I almost jerked off watching it. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| I was so stuck on... | ||
| I couldn't peel my eyes away from the show. | ||
| It was places that just do mac and cheese. | ||
| I bet they do. | ||
| Those fucks. | ||
| I can taste it right now. | ||
| I missed that. | ||
| When I was gluten free, that was the thing that I missed was pasta. | ||
| I missed linguine with clams. | ||
| Like, a good linguine with clams is like, that's how you know if a restaurant's for real. | ||
| A legit Italian spot, right? | ||
| A legit Italian restaurant has a linguine with clams. | ||
| It's not a soup. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's just like a little, it's a mild sauce, a white sauce with the linguine, just where you can chew the linguine. | ||
| It's got a little bit of a, a little chew to it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then the fucking clams have to be fresh, and there's a little garlic and olive oil, and oh, gee! | ||
| Jesus Christ, it was good. | ||
| I've been on this foodie kick on the road lately where I've been trying to find the best restaurants in cities, and every place seems to have a grilled octopus dish now. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And I tear it up every time. | ||
| Grilled octopus is very good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm a big fan. | ||
| I'm a big fan of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've ordered two in one place. | ||
| I was like, bring in another one. | ||
| They're like, I'm sorry? | ||
| I'm like, bring it out again. | ||
| Well, that's one of the things, though. | ||
| You're doing really well now. | ||
| You're starting to make a lot of money on the road. | ||
| You're doing very well. | ||
| And that's when the things you go, you know what? | ||
| I want to treat myself. | ||
| Oh, yeah, it's bad. | ||
| I want to treat myself. | ||
| But I have upped my workouts much more. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are you still working out with Jesus? | ||
| I am. | ||
| I'm working out with Jesus. | ||
| I'm working out with him today, this evening. | ||
| Tommy has a trainer that will literally tell him how God wants him to work him out. | ||
| God wants me to push you today. | ||
| Tell me the time when you came and you were sick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| That's so bizarre. | ||
| It is so bizarre. | ||
| And he dials it back sometimes and I'll forget about it and then it'll come up and I'll be like, what? | ||
| So this time I was... | ||
| He's one of those people... | ||
| You know the person that makes you feel like you're lying when you're not? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He's one of those people where like... | ||
| We had a workout scheduled and I could feel like a respiratory thing coming on. | ||
| And I started to feel pretty bad. | ||
| So I called him and I go, Hey, I don't think we should work out tomorrow because I'm starting to come down with something. | ||
| So we could do it like later. | ||
| I think I should take a rest for a couple of days. | ||
| Well, I mean, like, you're sick? | ||
| Well, I'm feeling like I'm getting sick. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you know, maybe just, like, kind of gargle some, like, sea salt. | ||
| And that's what I do. | ||
| And then, you know, just get some sleep. | ||
| And then, you know, if you just don't want to do anything, like, I'm not making this up, you know? | ||
| Yeah, there's that sort of tone. | ||
| It's a tone of, like... | ||
| Accusatory. | ||
| It's like an accusatory... | ||
| Yeah, it's an accusatory tone of, like... | ||
| I mean, are you just a quitter? | ||
| Like, that's what's, like, behind it? | ||
| And you're like, dude, all right. | ||
| So, the next day, I end up coming, and I go, hey, I think, you know, you could hear it in my voice. | ||
| Like, you know, is it my chest? | ||
| I go, I think we should just, like, stick to weights today. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, because of, like, your lungs? | ||
| I go, yeah, so we keep, like, my, from breathing really hard, you know? | ||
| Because it really doesn't feel good. | ||
| I didn't feel well at all. | ||
| And he's like, alright. | ||
| So we start off with some weights. | ||
| And then, I don't know, like 10 minutes in, he's like, bear crawl over to there. | ||
| And then bear crawl back. | ||
| And then do some burpees. | ||
| And I'm like, alright. | ||
| And I just start doing it. | ||
| And then I'm breathing heavier, right? | ||
| Because you're doing cardio stuff. | ||
| I'm starting to breathe heavier. | ||
| And it makes me run downstairs. | ||
| It's like, hit a heavy bag. | ||
| And then it's like, just ups the workout. | ||
| And so, like 40 minutes into it, I'm like... | ||
| Yeah, so much for, like, keeping the cardio down today, huh? | ||
| And he's like, well, you know, I was doing that at first. | ||
| And then I kind of started to push you a little bit, and you could do it. | ||
| And then, you know, the Holy Spirit, he kind of, like, tapped me and was like, you know, like a little tap on the shoulder. | ||
| Like, you know, right now, just pull back a little bit. | ||
| So he'll let me know if I'm ever going too far. | ||
| Like, he'll just give me a warning. | ||
| And I was like, all right, man. | ||
| Is this guy in your act yet? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| When can I see you again next? | ||
| I haven't seen your act in probably like... | ||
| When was the last time we worked together? | ||
| Six months maybe? | ||
| No, because we did... | ||
| Ice House? | ||
| We did Ice House, but we did Vegas not too long ago. | ||
| Oh, that's right, that's right, that's right. | ||
| But those are weird because everyone gets distracted offstage, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I didn't see your set that time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, well, I mean, I just, you know... | ||
| That's also a place where you can't see... | ||
| That's the Ka Theater. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I couldn't get out there. | ||
| You just did it, right? | ||
| I just did it last Friday. | ||
| How was it? | ||
| It was great. | ||
| Crazy Drunks. | ||
| Crazy Drunks. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| It's always fun. | ||
| But there's a lot of fucking maniacs in the audience this time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| It was pretty crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it was pretty crazy. | ||
| It started right away. | ||
| Ian Edwards went on stage like the first thing. | ||
| They just started. | ||
| There was like a few people that were just hecklers. | ||
| You know what it was too? | ||
| It was a light weekend for the fights. | ||
| There wasn't that many people there. | ||
| And it was a light weekend for my show and they gave away some comps. | ||
| When they give away comps, that's never good. | ||
| It doesn't matter if it's 2,000 seats or a 100 seat place. | ||
| Yeah, they gave away a couple hundred free tickets. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's all you need to do. | ||
| Then it goes crazy. | ||
| You're going to have at least 20 animals. | ||
| You give away 100 free tickets, you've got 10 animals. | ||
| Now, oddly enough, the McGregor fight weekend... | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
| That was beyond awesome. | ||
| And we were preparing for it. | ||
| For Massacre. | ||
| Like, I really... | ||
| Yeah, you were nervous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they were great! | ||
| But also, like, it fed itself. | ||
| The nervousness was like, we talked about, I think it was just a real brief, like, could be real crazy tonight. | ||
| And that's all I needed to hear. | ||
| Like, I was just imagining 2,000 Irish drunks, like, fuck! | ||
| Like, just screaming at me. | ||
| And so I was really, like, prepared for, like, oh, this is gonna be bad. | ||
| I went into it like that, which maybe is why I felt so good. | ||
| Because it was the opposite of that. | ||
| Well, that was a great crowd, though. | ||
| They were really good. | ||
| They were so good. | ||
| You would never have imagined there was 2,000 people in that room. | ||
| 2,000 plus or whatever the fuck it seats. | ||
| It seemed like it was intimate. | ||
| They were great. | ||
| They were just excited about that weekend. | ||
| You know what the Jesus Trainer also did recently? | ||
| We were doing... | ||
| There's a type of rack where you can squat, but it also has... | ||
| Arms that go out this way, so you can, it basically puts it at hip level, so you can do like power cleans and stuff off of it. | ||
| So it's on there, the bar's on there, and he's having me change out, go up by tens, so it's like 10 on each side, and then 20 and 30 and 40 and 50, and I was like, should I use the bigger weights? | ||
| Because we're just adding tens. | ||
| And he's like, no. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And then he's like, you know what? | ||
| Take them all off, and now start putting them on bigger weights. | ||
| I'm like, alright. | ||
| So I have six 10s on each side. | ||
| So I take those all off, and I put 45, and then 25. And then after a while, he's like, how's that? | ||
| Good? | ||
| We keep going up. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I go, what? | ||
| he's like Holy Spirit was told me that like to have you use the bigger weights for your risks I know sometimes you have a problem with your wrists, so I think by you moving around those heavier weights, it's better for your wrists. | ||
| But it was the Holy Spirit that told him to have me stop doing the lighter weights and use the bigger weights. | ||
| Do your wrists get sore? | ||
| Sometimes, you know, my wrists... | ||
| I feel like I have just weak wrists, like in general. | ||
| So sometimes I have some pain there. | ||
| Or like with power cleans, you know, instead of having them underneath, I have maybe a limited range with them. | ||
| As far as how far it goes back? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it hurts sometimes. | ||
| And I've suggested maybe I should get, you know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Straps? | |
| Wrist straps or something. | ||
| We just had conversations about it, but... | ||
| You know what can help as well is there's some mobility exercises that you can do to stretch out your wrists. | ||
| That could help a lot. | ||
| For most people, if you live your life up to a certain point and you've never really pushed them, they have a limited range of motion just based on it. | ||
| But you could change that range of motion with stretching. | ||
| Another thing that can help the strength of them is, do you ever have a roller? | ||
| Do you know what that is? | ||
| Like you have a stick and there's a long string on the bottom of it and then you put a weight at the bottom of the string and then you roll it up. | ||
| I've seen those. | ||
| Those are great for strengthening the wrist and strengthening the forearm as well. | ||
| Those are really good for that. | ||
| Have you ever read that forearm strength is hereditary? | ||
| Is it? | ||
| That's what I've read. | ||
| I don't know if it's true or not. | ||
| I mean, obviously you can work on it, but you know some people just have that natural, incredible strength, like forearm strength, like with a grip. | ||
| Well, it's also the size of the hands. | ||
| That is a big factor, because if you have small hands, it's very difficult to have strong forearms or strong hands if they're small. | ||
| If they're small. | ||
| Well, it's like there's leverage in having a larger hand. | ||
| Like guys who have like those big Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Shaquille O'Neal must have like a grip of death. | ||
| Like you shake Shaquille O'Neal's hand, my hand disappears in his hand. | ||
| It becomes like a little child's hand. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I noticed even in, like, his stature is not as big. | ||
| You know, he's only like five, nine, or ten. | ||
| But that with Tyson, his hand went around my hand. | ||
| Well, he's got those wide fucking hammer fists. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and when you have thicker, like, longer fingers, it's like, in jujitsu, one of the things that is a big advantage is having longer limbs. | ||
| Like guys who are long, like there's this guy, Hodger Gracie, he's long and tall, and he finishes a lot of guys with arm bars and triangles, and he has all this extra leverage because he has length. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And for chokes, guys with long arms are really good a lot of times at getting chokes off their back, like triangle chokes and chokes from, because they have more length of their bone, they have like a longer, there's more leverage involved in that. | ||
| Right, you can get around someone. | ||
| Yeah, and it makes sense with hands too, like someone with like longer hands, there's more, they can crush you more, there's more there. | ||
| But, like, little hands. | ||
| Like, you're fucked. | ||
| Like, people with little hands, it's very difficult for them to generate power. | ||
| You can be fast, and there's a certain amount of power involved in speed, but, like, George Foreman, one of the things that people, like, apparently George Foreman, I never shook his hand, but it's like shaking a canned ham. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Just this fucking monstrous club of a hand. | ||
| Well, that was just a fucking sledgehammer that would come on. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why. | ||
| But the human body, like, varies so much. | ||
| I mean, there's so many different things that are definitely genetically, like, they're advantageous. | ||
| It's one of the weird things about the argument when it comes to steroids or no steroids or performance enhancing drugs. | ||
| There are advantages just to being born with certain genetics. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Giant advantages. | ||
| I have small hands. | ||
| They're not tiny. | ||
| They're not tiny, but they're pretty small. | ||
| How big is your dick? | ||
| It's pretty average. | ||
| I think it might fit the actual measurements of the National American Society's dick measurements. | ||
| For small penises? | ||
| No, for average dicks. | ||
| For average? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not like that Mexican dude. | ||
| How big do you think his hands are? | ||
| If you had his dick, it wouldn't be good, right? | ||
| I bet his hands are like those big foam number ones. | ||
| Would you want a dick like that? | ||
| No. | ||
| But if you could shape the perfect dick, what measurements would you want? | ||
| My dick could have been a disaster. | ||
| Everybody's dick could have been a disaster. | ||
| We've all met people with birth defects. | ||
| I'm very happy with my dick. | ||
| But if you could shape... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm good. | |
| I won't even enter this conversation. | ||
| You won't enter the conversation? | ||
| My dick's great. | ||
| I'm a fan. | ||
| I like mine. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| It could be way worse, man. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Dudes have micro dicks, and there's not a goddamn thing in the world they can do about that. | ||
| And that is really fucking sad. | ||
| It's sad, and it's real. | ||
| And there's nothing they do. | ||
| There's nothing they can do. | ||
| I went to see this guy once in a concert. | ||
| He took his pants off and he calls himself Extreme Elvis. | ||
| And part of his gag was that he has the tiniest dick you've ever seen. | ||
| I mean, his dick is like, I'm not bullshitting, his dick is like the bottom two digits on my pinky. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's so small. | ||
| And this guy would take off his clothes and he would... | ||
| He was owning it, right? | ||
| He was trying to just own it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that was the thing. | ||
| Because that sucks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he's fucking talented as shit, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Really, like, really good singer. | ||
| Great band. | ||
| And it was a crazy show. | ||
| He would take off his clothes and he would piss on the audience. | ||
| He would pee on people. | ||
| He would piss... | ||
| Is this Gigi Allen? | ||
| No, he had this girl, she was a singer, and she would take her top off. | ||
| She had great tits, too. | ||
| She was pretty, and she was talented. | ||
| She was like a talented musician. | ||
| And he would pee in her mouth. | ||
| He would say, who wants to drink the King's piss? | ||
| She's like, I do. | ||
| I do. | ||
| And he'd piss in her mouth. | ||
| What was his name? | ||
| Extreme Elvis. | ||
| Jesus, man. | ||
| Because Gigi, you've seen Gigi's stuff, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He would smear shit on people, right? | ||
| Yeah, and he had a little dick. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's what happens. | ||
| And he would parade that shit around. | ||
| Maybe that's where all the rage came from. | ||
| I bet it has something to do with it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For sure it has something to do with it. | ||
| A lot of people's rage comes from being fucked with. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And from also feeling the inequality. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you feel like you got fucked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like you got a shitty hand. | ||
| Right. | ||
| God damn it, look at these fucking two ones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This motherfucker's got a full house. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| I get my best hand. | ||
| It's fucking bullshit. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| That's life. | ||
| Micro dick. | ||
| Micro dick. | ||
| And there's not a damn thing they can do about it. | ||
| For now. | ||
| But the day they fix it, oh, we're going to have a lot of those Mexican dudes around. | ||
| Do you ever see a bit I used to do about big dick pills? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, I've seen it. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| That was one of my best bits. | ||
| Yeah, that was great. | ||
| Big dick pills, yeah. | ||
| Well, people are doing big dick surgery now. | ||
| I saw a thing one time, a video on it, where that shit looked so... | ||
| What happened on the video I saw, the guy got the injections and everything. | ||
| It just looked like a rubber sleeve. | ||
| There were no veins in it anymore. | ||
| And I don't think it got hard. | ||
| It was big and doughy and half full. | ||
| It was like a bigger limp dick, but it looked fucking weird. | ||
| So he would just smack people with it? | ||
| Yeah, check out this big soft dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I would fuck you, but you ain't smack in the face with this dick, smack! | |
| God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 18 inches, though. | ||
| They can't do a damn thing about a micro dick. | ||
| Which is amazing. | ||
| They figured out a way to make it hard. | ||
| That's one thing they figured out. | ||
| Boy, that changed the world. | ||
| The guy who figured out Cialis and Viagra, that guy must have made so much fucking money. | ||
| Oh my goodness, the amount of money they must make doing that stuff. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's vasodilators, right? | ||
| They figured out a way to... | ||
| And you know, those are banned from the Olympics. | ||
| Do you know that? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they open your capillaries, right? | ||
| Yeah, well they help performance. | ||
| They help your endurance. | ||
| You're getting more blood. | ||
| Yeah, it just totally makes sense. | ||
| But I think that if you could figure out a way to actually make something where dude's dicks grew, it would probably be the most lucrative investment ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because everybody, even if you're thrilled with your dick, someone's like, it's fun. | ||
| Just try one. | ||
| You're going to buy it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| You had an inch. | ||
| You wouldn't want another extra inch? | ||
| An inch? | ||
| Yeah, come on. | ||
| You're happy with it, right? | ||
| You're happy with your dick? | ||
| Are you thrilled? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Are you thrilled? | ||
| And they start getting, like, agents as the salesmen. | ||
| Like, you know, they're all salesmen, so I was like, get fucking all the agents in there and being like... | ||
| Speaking of lucrative, I was with Ian Edwards this weekend, and Greg Fitzsimmons, and Ian and I were flying home, and we were at the terminal, and we ran into this girl. | ||
| That Ian knew from the store, and apparently she's a stripper. | ||
| And we were sitting down having a coffee, and she asked if she could sit with us. | ||
| I said, yeah, sure. | ||
| Go ahead, sit with us. | ||
| And so she started talking about working at Spearmint Rhino, stripping and this and that. | ||
| She worked this weekend? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And she was coming back, and she was just talking about everybody was cheap and this and that and that and this. | ||
| And then she said she was working with this girl. | ||
| She's working with this girl, and I go, what percentage of the girls that you work with are willing to have sex with guys for money? | ||
| And she's like, um, there's quite a few. | ||
| She goes, I worked with this one girl this weekend who was like, how lucrative do you get? | ||
| And she goes, what? | ||
| She goes, how lucrative do you get? | ||
| Because I be getting lucrative. | ||
| And she goes, well, what do you mean lucrative? | ||
| She goes, I go back to a dude's hotel room for a thousand dollars. | ||
| I get lucrative. | ||
| Lucrative. | ||
| Lucrative. | ||
| And this girl was married to a guy, apparently, that is not gay, but is a dancer. | ||
| He dances for men, and he's gay for pay. | ||
| Yeah, he's gay. | ||
| Her husband, he's her husband, will let like five guys run a train on him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| It's so fucking unacceptable. | ||
| Dude, hey, one night, he doesn't have to work for the rest of the month. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| How's that happen? | ||
| How's your sleep? | ||
| Are you sleeping well? | ||
| Is everything good? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay! | |
| Okay! | ||
| Are you out of your fucking mind? | ||
| He's lucrative! | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's real lucrative! | |
| I saw that, like, uh... | ||
| MTV? Oh, MTV Real Life thing. | ||
| They did that with a guy. | ||
| Where he was like, I'm not gay, and these six guys, I'm about to blow these six guys on camera. | ||
| Oh, I saw that! | ||
| I saw that! | ||
| Dude, and they were all clowning him. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because they were all openly gay, and they were like, dude, you're sucking our dick today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And he was like, I'm getting fucking, I'm getting super lucrative today. | ||
| And he had a girlfriend, too, and his girlfriend was like, I don't like it, but it's what his job is. | ||
| And his girlfriend was kind of homely, and he was a good-looking guy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I remember the line that he had to say in the video, anal sex is the bomb. | ||
| That's what he had to say before these dudes ran a train on him. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| He's just getting lucrative. | ||
| Getting lucrative. | ||
| How lucrative do you get? | ||
| I get pretty lucrative. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| How crazy does shit get in a Vegas strip club on fight weekend? | ||
| This girl, man, I was just... | ||
| I wished we had more time so she could tell me more crazy stories like that. | ||
| Yeah, more lucrative stories. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How lucrative do you get? | |
| What's that stripper? | ||
| There's a stripper feed? | ||
| Like what stripper said or something? | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| That's pretty funny. | ||
| I met one of the guys that works for that feed has a buddy that fights in the UFC. And so I go back and forth with that dude sometimes on Twitter because I follow them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Stripper Genius. | ||
| Yes, yeah. | ||
| Some of this shit is hilarious on that feed. | ||
| I can't wait to be completely done dancing because I'm sick of digging my fucking t-bar out of my ass crack all night. | ||
| That's kind of mild. | ||
| Yeah, that's mild. | ||
| But there's some good ones in there. | ||
| There's some good ones in here. | ||
| Stripper Genius. | ||
| Follow that on the Twitter. | ||
| I'm with my new guy, so no more masturbating for me. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Here it is. | ||
| Maybe if you ate a burger you'd have some ass and titties. | ||
| I've done cocaine with a lot of rock stars. | ||
| Too many really. | ||
| I'm sorry if my breath smells like tomatoes and liquor. | ||
| I like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There are two... | |
| There's too many bitches and not enough sluts. | ||
| Amen, sister. | ||
| Fucking booty calling a hoe just to get bitched out is depressing and amusing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| I'd suck a dick for some pizza right now. | ||
| These are all good. | ||
| They're not bad. | ||
| There's good ones in there, but you gotta fish for them. | ||
| They should post less Quality over quantity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because some of those are just not that interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But some of them are... | ||
| But the good thing is, they're all real. | ||
| Like, they're not like... | ||
| It's not like a comedy writer who's, like, trying to find out what the funniest shit that a stripper could say. | ||
| So they should use that on Stripper Genius, though. | ||
| How lucrative are you willing to get? | ||
| Please. | ||
| How lucrative do you get? | ||
| I get pretty lucrative. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Imagine a girl with a Rosie Perez accent. | |
| Yeah, yeah, that's the perfect person to say it. | ||
| I get real lucrative. | ||
| How lucrative are you willing to get? | ||
| Back in the day. | ||
| Put that phone down, Tommy. | ||
| You're addicted. | ||
| You're searching for more, right? | ||
| Yes, super addictive. | ||
| Ari Shafir has a really good fucking point. | ||
| I'm not following him into the abyss of the flip phone. | ||
| But he's like, in the morning... | ||
| In the morning, I would waste a half an hour. | ||
| Every morning, I just get up. | ||
| I check Facebook. | ||
| I check my Twitter. | ||
| He's right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's right. | ||
| I do it. | ||
| I take my morning shit. | ||
| I get excited. | ||
| I bring that phone to the bathroom. | ||
| I do the exact same thing. | ||
| That shit. | ||
| I'll walk towards the bathroom and be like, oh, I forgot that shit. | ||
| Turn around. | ||
| Because there's some people's Twitter feeds that are fun. | ||
| I want to follow them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fun. | |
| And there's always some new news story, some interesting thing that's going on. | ||
| I get most of my news from a Twitter feed. | ||
| In the bathroom? | ||
| Yeah, because I'll follow Breaking News, New York Times, what's going on right now? | ||
| Oh yeah, RIP Wes Craven. | ||
| Fuck, that's how I found out Wes Craven. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| The trending stuff, for sure. | ||
| That's how I found Robin Williams died. | ||
| RIP Robin Williams. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No way. | ||
| That one didn't feel real. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I remember I saw that written down. | ||
| RIP Robin Williams. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| It's crazy that one year just passed on that. | ||
| I couldn't believe it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That flew, right? | ||
| Yeah, it did. | ||
| That's one thing that you'll find, especially once your kid is born, time accelerates every year quicker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Every year, like... | ||
| Your kids were babies, I feel like, yesterday. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| I do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And your kids, it's going to be the same thing with you, and then one day they're going to be off to college. | ||
| So crazy. | ||
| Or off, you know, being an adult. | ||
| How old now? | ||
| How old are yours? | ||
| Seven and five. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| It's real weird watching other people's kids grow up, too. | ||
| And also, here's another thing that's weird. | ||
| Watching people's bad parenthood skills manifest themselves in their kids. | ||
| You see it. | ||
| I have a friend who's got a fucking eight-year-old that still sucks his thumb. | ||
| And he thinks it's okay. | ||
| He's like, it's no big deal. | ||
| I go, no, it's a big deal. | ||
| Like, your kid's sucking his thumb. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, this is not, like, healthy behavior. | ||
| You're not supposed to be sucking your thumb when you're eight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your kid's gonna get fucked with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's gonna get fucked with by other kids in school if he's not already getting fucked with. | ||
| Like, that's just weird. | ||
| You start... | ||
| I started paying attention more. | ||
| You know, you start to key into things more? | ||
| Like, we're at a restaurant, and now when we see... | ||
| Like, you're sitting next to a table where it's a family, and they have the kid, and the kid's like seven, eight, and he's on an iPad with the volume up. | ||
| So, either watching a video or playing a game, and you're hearing... | ||
| And you're sitting, you're like, they are teaching him that that's okay. | ||
| Like, be entitled, be oblivious. | ||
| Like, how are you not telling him we're in a restaurant right now? | ||
| You know, at least if you're going to check out and play games... | ||
| No one wants to hear the explosions. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I start to pick up on that more. | ||
| That's why when that guy grows up and he's oblivious, like, whoa, what's everyone's problem? | ||
| That I'm doing fucking whatever I want, no matter who's around me all the time. | ||
| Because they put it in them. | ||
| They let them know that it's okay. | ||
| No one told them, like, no, you have to be considerate of... | ||
| The people around you. | ||
| Well, electronics are so unnatural, too. | ||
| We all love them. | ||
| You know, everybody loves a good movie, or everybody loves to look at their phone or check their email. | ||
| It's, for whatever reason, it's compelling, but they're so unnatural that when you're all sitting around a dinner table, and there's five people, and everyone's, like, staring at an iPad. | ||
| I see it all the time now, yeah. | ||
| At least a phone, you know, but... | ||
| For little kids, what it is, is kids are hard to tune into. | ||
| They care about shit. | ||
| You don't give a fuck about. | ||
| Like, I took my kids out for breakfast this morning, and we're sitting around and we're coloring. | ||
| You know, a lot of times when you go to a restaurant, they have a kid's menu. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they give you some crayons. | ||
| So we're drawing, you know, and they want to, but she's like, can I play with your phone? | ||
| I'm like, no, let's just do this. | ||
| Let's just do this. | ||
| Let's do this. | ||
| But that fucking phone is better. | ||
| What age do you give them a phone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| That's a good question. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I think that age changes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a new thing that they have for kids. | ||
| It's like a wristband, almost like a watch type thing, that has a tracking device on it. | ||
| Tell you where your kids are all the time, and there's a button they press on it where it will call you. | ||
| Only you. | ||
| It's not a phone, but it'll call you. | ||
| Like, Dad, you left me over by Pirates of the Caribbean and lost. | ||
| And then you gotta go find your kid. | ||
| Do they have that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They have that. | ||
| Wow, that's cool. | ||
| And then, like, that's step one. | ||
| Then your kid's gonna be calling you all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pressing that button. | ||
| Dad, I hate second grade. | ||
| It's bullshit. | ||
| Dad! | ||
| Dad, I don't wanna go to school. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dad! | |
| You're gonna get that a lot. | ||
| Or not. | ||
| Maybe they'll love it. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Yeah, they could. | ||
| The idea that a kid is supposed to be thinking about what they want to do for their future, though, is crazy. | ||
| Like, there's people that are prepping their kid for whatever... | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| Future. | ||
| I remember kids I went to school with that were being prepped for med school in elementary school. | ||
| So I think it's kind of fucked up for you and I more than anybody else, especially, because we actually love what we do, and what we do is so discouraged. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| Nobody says, Tommy, you should really be a stand-up comedian. | ||
| No. | ||
| Just start fucking with your teachers now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is there any kid in class that really stands out as being annoying? | ||
| Can you imitate him? | ||
| Start imitating him and put him in ridiculous scenarios like in Napoleon's army. | ||
| Start doing impressions. | ||
| If you think of something funny to say in a really serious moment in class, just blurt that shit out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you can get a laugh in class, turn math class. | ||
| Oh, that was the greatest thing. | ||
| We had a thing when I was in fifth grade where if you got in trouble in the first part of the day, you didn't get to go to recess. | ||
| And recess is like, hey, do you want to go to Fiji to adults? | ||
| When you're a kid, they're just like, recess is a fucking shit. | ||
| And I remember, like, biting my lower lip. | ||
| I'd be like, oh, if I say this, I'm gonna get taken out of recess. | ||
| But then I'd be like, ah, just say it anyways. | ||
| And then it's like, no recess, you know? | ||
| But, like, it was worth it to make everybody in stupid class laugh. | ||
| I wasn't funny in school, like, with things I said. | ||
| But I would draw things that were funny. | ||
| I would draw cartoons. | ||
| Like, we had this guy, Mr. White. | ||
| Mr. White was crazy. | ||
| He went to Vietnam. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| Bad things happen to him over there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, he was shell-shocked. | ||
| That's what we used to call it back then, before they used to call it PTSD. But he was a real tiny guy. | ||
| He was like 5'2". | ||
| So every time I would draw him, I would draw him standing on a box or standing on a chair or standing on a stool. | ||
| And he would, like, someone asked for a pencil once. | ||
| And he goes, you want a pencil? | ||
| He goes, come here. | ||
| Come over here. | ||
| And he takes the drawer from his desk. | ||
| He yanks it out. | ||
| It's got pencils in it and slams it on the ground. | ||
| And he goes, take one of those pencils. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| And everybody was like, what the fuck? | ||
| And we all knew that this guy had been to Vietnam. | ||
| He would talk about it occasionally. | ||
| That's pretty terrifying to do. | ||
| He was in a good school system, too. | ||
| This was Newton South High School. | ||
| So Newton South High School, they did bus kids in from bad neighborhoods, and that was an issue, because they did bring these kids in from Dorchester and Mattapan, really bad neighborhoods. | ||
| And there was definitely a difference. | ||
| And everybody was like, like these lambs, these suburban lambs, and then these urban wolves that would come into the city. | ||
| But it wasn't too bad. | ||
| It wasn't like gangs or anything crazy. | ||
| And this was like... | ||
| I went to high school, I graduated in 85, and that was before, like, rap music. | ||
| It was before, like, Straight Outta Compton and all that crazy shit where things, like, escalated. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, violence and, like, rap music, no matter what anybody says, absolutely perpetrated, like, a different sort of acceptable mentality or a different sort of behavior they aspire towards. | ||
| That wasn't going on when I was in high school. | ||
| So when I was in high school, Sugar Hill Gang was like the big thing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That was like junior high school. | ||
| Hip, hop, hippity, hippity, hip, hop. | ||
| It wasn't that kind of music that was, you know, it just wasn't gangster rap. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like gangster rap sort of changed things. | ||
| Big Bang Hank. | ||
| I forget what my point was. | ||
| They weren't that bad. | ||
| And this guy, so this guy, Mr. White, was growing up in this neighborhood. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And in this neighborhood, it really was, you know... | ||
| It wasn't like a dangerous play, but he would fucking freak out. | ||
| He was a good dude, though. | ||
| He was a really nice guy, and he was a very smart guy, too. | ||
| I had some really interesting conversations with him. | ||
| He was very aware, but he just had a trigger. | ||
| He took a joke really well, though. | ||
| I'll tell you that, man. | ||
| He never got upset at my cartoons. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He laughed. | ||
| He thought they were funny, man. | ||
| He's a smart dude. | ||
| It's funny when you grow up to think of your teachers as people, as opposed to when you're a student and a kid. | ||
| You don't imagine your parents are people, they're your parents. | ||
| And teachers have that special place that's Mr. White. | ||
| And you say their names, I don't know. | ||
| Then you grow up and you're like, oh, that was a miserable fucking guy. | ||
| I remember teachers that were just I clearly hated teaching, you know. | ||
| Yeah, there was a lot of those, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was a lot of, you know, there's no money in it. | ||
| There's no money in it. | ||
| Can you imagine just dealing with a new crop of asshole teenagers every year that don't give a fuck about you? | ||
| One of the things that really bummed me out, man, was people that would say negative shit to kids and not realize the impact that negative shit has on them. | ||
| I've told this before, I think. | ||
| This was the only laugh I think I ever got in high school, in a class. | ||
| I got kicked out for it. | ||
| My teacher, she was black, and she had a terrible accent. | ||
| And she was teaching math. | ||
| And I was not paying attention. | ||
| And probably talking. | ||
| And she goes, Mr. Rogan, would you like to come up here and do both of these questions for this class? | ||
| And I said, would you like me to do both of those questions? | ||
| And the fucking, it was like, there was like a pause, like, no he didn't. | ||
| And then, bah! | ||
| And she goes, you know, she kicks me out and she goes, don't laugh. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| You know, Mr. Rogan is going nowhere in life. | ||
| I'll tell you this right now. | ||
| And then she kicked me out of class. | ||
| I remember thinking that, like, what a rude thing to say to a 14-year-old who, by the way, you may be teaching math, but you might want to work on English. | ||
| Because that's not how you say both. | ||
| You don't say both. | ||
| There's not an F in there. | ||
| So when you say both... | ||
| And all I did was say, would you like me to do both of those questions? | ||
| I said it the way you talk, and I got in trouble for that. | ||
| Well, that seems pretty fucking ridiculous. | ||
| If your accent is so bad that all I have to do is imitate it, and it gets a giant laugh in the class, you know what I did, and I know what I did. | ||
| And the whole class knows what I did. | ||
| I corrected your shitty way of talking, and that got me kicked out. | ||
| And not just kicked out, like, I'm going nowhere in life. | ||
| It's a fucked up thing to say. | ||
| It didn't work, but it could have. | ||
| I witnessed a teacher tell a kid, you're nothing and you're not going to amount to anything. | ||
| And it was, in a moment, a rage. | ||
| Like, I could see the kid had just gotten in big trouble. | ||
| So it was like he was flipping out. | ||
| What did the kid get in big trouble for? | ||
| We were on a school trip, and he had fucked around with the air conditioning at a public place. | ||
| He set it at 90, so he set the heat on it. | ||
| But he was a troubled kid. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And this teacher said that to him, man. | ||
| I remember all of us that were in the room, because it was only like 10 of us when this guy came in to yell at him. | ||
| We all just stared at the ground, because he was so full of rage when he said it to this kid, but he really went in hard. | ||
| I'm not even doing a fraction of it. | ||
| He was like, you're not shit, and you're not going to amount to shit. | ||
| We were like, what the fuck? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Yeah, he's treating that killer a grownup. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How old were they? | ||
| The kids? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We were, I think, juniors in high school. | ||
| We were old enough, but it still was fucked up to say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fucked up. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucked up, man. | ||
| Ooh, that's 16? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, 16. 16 to 17. Yeah, well, you know what, man? | |
| Some of those guys are just... | ||
| There's PTSD in being a teacher, too, man. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| The amount of stress and pressure that you have to deal with. | ||
| And then you're trying to raise your family and everything on that... | ||
| Bullshit salary. | ||
| Bullshit salary. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's why when you get a good one, it's so memorable. | ||
| I had a really, really good English teacher. | ||
| A really good English teacher and a really good Spanish teacher. | ||
| The English teacher was so nice. | ||
| She was so nice and everybody loved her and they got psyched when they got her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because she was like, she would talk like she was an older lady. | ||
| When I was in high school, I gotta imagine she was probably in her late 50s to early 60s. | ||
| And she would talk about sex, and she would talk about romance. | ||
| She was talking about literary works, and then she would talk about how it applies and what you're going to experience in your own life. | ||
| There's going to be times in your own life where you just think that This is everything and this person's everything to you and those are wonderful moments She goes but they're transient and sometimes they go away, especially when you're young You're young and you're having sex with each other and people and people like what the fuck is she saying? | ||
| Yeah, we couldn't believe it She's saying we're having sex and she's like and then you know that person might have sex with somebody else and you're just gonna be devastated but maybe they're just gonna love you more once they do that and You know, maybe they'll make that mistake, and then it'll just make them appreciate and accept you more, but some people can't. | ||
| They can't deal with that. | ||
| They can't deal with that. | ||
| And I remember her saying that. | ||
| I was like, whoa, this is deep shit. | ||
| That's pretty deep. | ||
| High school English class. | ||
| This old lady's talking about fucking people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And cheating, too. | ||
| Yeah, jealousy and everything. | ||
| And how silly it all was and how in perspective. | ||
| But she was trying to, you know, give us like some, I forget what the work that she was referring to, like what book we were talking or what stories we were discussing that made her bring that up. | ||
| But I remember thinking like, wow. | ||
| This lady just dropped some experience knowledge. | ||
| Like, I never forgot her saying that, like that, you know, when someone leaves you or someone cheats on you, it'll feel like the most devastating thing ever. | ||
| But they might really just feel better because of, like, they might love you more because of that. | ||
| It might be better for your relationship after that's over. | ||
| She went through some shit, man. | ||
| Yeah, she must have. | ||
| She must have. | ||
| But it was the way she was describing it to the class. | ||
| I had a great Spanish teacher too. | ||
| Spanish teacher was awesome. | ||
| He was friendly and fun, but then, after I graduated, I found out that he was banging students. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why he was so friendly. | ||
| Yeah, he banged one of my friends. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And she was 17. Yeah, he started banging her as she was a senior in high school. | ||
| I think he banged her a little bit as she was graduating too. | ||
| Was he American? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| How old was he? | ||
| He was a handsome guy. | ||
| I wish I knew. | ||
| I would have to say, shit, you know, obviously I was 17, so he was an adult. | ||
| I would say he's in his 20s, maybe. | ||
| Okay, so that's relatively a young teacher, though. | ||
| Yeah, probably like 20. I mean, graduated from college, so he has to be like 23, 24. But he's not 50. No, he's probably 30, like 29, 30, somewhere in that range. | ||
| But I was surprised he was banging 17-year-olds. | ||
| I was like, oh, hey, buddy. | ||
| I mean, look, in perspective, if he's 43 and the girl's 30, it's nothing. | ||
| And your students are different than... | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Did he last long there? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Once I was gone, I was gone, man. | ||
| When I graduated from high school, I fucking graduated. | ||
| I mean, I never even went back and got my diploma. | ||
| I didn't go to my graduation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I didn't even want it. | ||
| I was like, I don't want to have anything to do with this place. | ||
| I just wanted to be free. | ||
| Get out of there. | ||
| I wanted to be... | ||
| I just knew whatever they were selling, whatever they were pushing, whatever mold they were trying to get me to fit in, it was unacceptable. | ||
| And I had to figure out what... | ||
| Detox from whatever they did to me, and it wasn't their fault. | ||
| It's like they're just teaching. | ||
| That's what every kid experiences when they're being forced into doing something they don't want to do, along with the pressure of growing up, along with the pressure, you know, whatever your parents are putting on you, what expectations your family might have. | ||
| And with me, there's a lot of expectations of the people that I knew. | ||
| A lot of the kids that I was going to school with, they were all set up for college, and they all had these ideas of what they were going to do, and I was lost. | ||
| I was like, I didn't know what I wanted to do. | ||
| I was competing in martial arts tournaments, but I knew there was a limited amount of future with that. | ||
| I was like, where can I take this? | ||
| I knew that eventually, if I kept going too, I was gonna get brain damage. | ||
| I was probably already getting a little bit of it. | ||
| I was like, if I keep going, I'm gonna wind up fucked in the head. | ||
| I'm gonna wind up slurring my words or something. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Fuck yeah, for sure. | ||
| Especially once I started kickboxing. | ||
| But I also knew that a job, like a job job, like an office job... | ||
| Fucking unacceptable, man. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
| I just won't. | ||
| I have too much energy or I have too much impatience or something. | ||
| I mean, I'm not going to be able to sit down. | ||
| So I just had to wait until I got out of there to try to take a deep breath. | ||
| I took a year off, didn't do anything for a year. | ||
| Just worked and competed. | ||
| And then I started going to UMass Boston. | ||
| They had a continuing education program. | ||
| You didn't have to take your SATs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I never took my SATs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So I just went and I did that for three years and then I was like, I'm just wasting my time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking complete waste. | ||
| I fucking, I knew that in an office it would be, I think my literal death. | ||
| I could feel the depression of it setting in, you know, like all, especially cause it was, I think it's a lot of it. | ||
| It's not that working in an office is the worst. | ||
| It's that it wasn't meaningful work. | ||
| It wasn't anything that I cared about. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Any of the office jobs I had were just something to do because you're supposed to have a job. | ||
| What did you think you wanted to do when you were in high school? | ||
| Like when you're like, okay, Tommy, you're 17, you're about to graduate. | ||
| What do you want to do? | ||
| I knew I wanted to do comedy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, but I didn't know I wanted to do stand-up. | ||
| I think it's because what's accessible, or what seemed accessible, or the thing that I responded to was watching movies. | ||
| So I thought I would be a comedic actor of some kind. | ||
| That's what I thought. | ||
| Who was your favorite? | ||
| I mean, I loved Belushi, Ackroyd. | ||
| I liked Bill Murray a lot, and I liked Eddie Murphy. | ||
| Those were kind of my two favorites as a kid. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| So I thought everything, both of their schools, their styles are really different, but to me they were really, and Chevy Chase and stuff, those guys were the funniest fucking guys to me. | ||
| Whatever happened to Bob and Doug McKenzie? | ||
| Bob and Doug McKenzie. | ||
| Do you remember the Honey I Shrunk the Kids guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah. | |
| The fucking guy with the glasses? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then there was the other, they had a show. | ||
| Isn't that Rick Moranis? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He quit acting. | ||
| What happened with that guy? | ||
| He quit acting because he just didn't want to be, that's what I read, he didn't want to be in the, he thought the business was ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of people that feel like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You get to that certain point where you just don't want to have anything to do anymore. | ||
| I think he moved to like a, you know, just off, Not off the grid, really, but, like, just away from L.A. and... | ||
| Just done. | ||
| Done. | ||
| Why don't he do this for a living? | ||
| I did, too. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| I read an article about him, about how... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just... | |
| Starring in movies, and then was just like, fuck this. | ||
| Over it. | ||
| It's interesting that some people do, they have that wake-up moment where like, okay, this is not what I wanted to do. | ||
| It's not what I thought it was, and now that I'm doing it, I gotta get out of this. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, if you're working entertainment too, especially like on the acting, you know, directing side of things, I could see how... | ||
| There's so much nonsense involved in the business side of that, that it's very, at some point I could, you know, you could be very talented and not be working at it and be like, what am I doing just trying to get into this system, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it seems unattainable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when things seem unattainable, you think you want them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Yeah, you think you do. | ||
| Well, that's what I think happens to a lot of people when they get that reality show fame. | ||
| You know, they think, they look at it, they're like, if I was famous, boy, everything could be great. | ||
| And then, you know, you wind up being one of the housewives that's, like, on the cover of the magazines. | ||
| Then you realize how many fucking people hate you. | ||
| The anger. | ||
| Have you ever, like, seen, like, the TMZ comments when one of those, like, real housewives gets in trouble? | ||
| Like, Jesus Christ! | ||
| You're hated, yeah. | ||
| Monsters out there that are focusing their rage for whatever disappointment they have in their life on you because you're the chick on the housewife with the fake lips. | ||
| And to a certain extent, too, it just... | ||
| This is something more like they became about in the last, I feel like 15, 20 years, which is that being famous for the sake of being famous really is a curse. | ||
| You know, it's a highly pursued thing now where people are just like, being famous has got to be the best thing ever. | ||
| But when there's nothing behind the reason that you're known, I feel like that's just a fucking empty black hole. | ||
| But is it as much of a black hole as growing up in poverty in a bad neighborhood in LA? Like if you look at those kids that you saw in those projects that are in this trap, they're stuck in this awful neighborhood, crime-infested community, is that a worse life? | ||
| Or is it a worse life to be Kim Kardashian where everybody just shits in your mouth everywhere you go? | ||
| Well, they shit in her mouth as she gets on a Gulfstream G650. Exactly. | ||
| So it's like, yeah, I understand the question. | ||
| But to her face, too. | ||
| Do you think to her face they're mean? | ||
| I bet they're not. | ||
| No, they're not. | ||
| I bet there's a lot of ass kicked. | ||
| She's had some mean things probably yelled at her, but there's no way people are as brutal as they are online to her face. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah, even those people that are brutal to her online, if they met her and they were in front of her. | ||
| That's why the interaction with people online is so flawed. | ||
| I was reading a meme blog about someone the other day, and I was like, I wonder how this person would feel if they were sitting down with this guy, having a conversation with him. | ||
| I wonder if they would say the same type of shit that they wrote when the person can respond. | ||
| Writing a meme blog about someone... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's really like the coward's way out. | |
| It really is in a lot of ways because you're addressing someone that can't address you back in some sort of a... | ||
| Well, then again, so is shitting on them in a podcast or shitting on them doing stand-up. | ||
| Well, I was going to say at least we're trying to be entertaining, but I guess they're trying to be entertaining when they write a blog, too. | ||
| Yeah, they are. | ||
| They're trying to get something out of them. | ||
| We were talking before the show about that girl who made that video about fat shaming. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I only know about it because I saw a tweet. | ||
| Again, going back to the entertainment of it, I saw a tweet. | ||
| I saw the response video that Sean Halpin made. | ||
| I haven't seen that. | ||
| It was pretty funny, man. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| Let's play that. | ||
| First of all, I watched part of the video this morning. | ||
| It should have been edited. | ||
| I got her point after the first few minutes. | ||
| But I thought it was good. | ||
| It was okay. | ||
| She's hot. | ||
| She's hot. | ||
| That's part of the problem. | ||
| She's shitting on fat people and she's got a perfect body and a beautiful face and big old todays. | ||
| Hi. | ||
| But this is like, you know, I guess she makes, I don't know, YouTube videos? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Look, there's a fucking business in making these goddamn YouTube videos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure there are. | |
| The comedy store next door, they have that hotel where they use the side of the hotel as a billboard, and they paint stuff on it. | ||
| There's a huge one. | ||
| That was all just this YouTube page with this girl that I don't know who she is, but she has two million followers on YouTube, and YouTube has decided to take out giant billboards on the Sunset Strip that show people that have more than a million followers. | ||
| So they have like X amount of million. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, and she has more than one, this one girl. | ||
| I don't remember her name at all, but it's her with some cheese puffs. | ||
| It's trying to be wacky. | ||
| But there's several of them. | ||
| I've seen several of them. | ||
| If you can be entertaining, like, this girl hit the fucking jackpot with this video. | ||
| Because we're talking about it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's on Twitter. | ||
| A lot of people are talking about it. | ||
| Sean Halpern does it? | ||
| Sean Halpern. | ||
| By the way, I'm not Sean Halpern, if anyone's watching this. | ||
| You're way better looking than him. | ||
| I don't give a fuck what everybody says. | ||
| Let's play it. | ||
| Let's see their response. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Got my Kesha hair today. | |
| You don't know if this is hairspray or semen? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Pretty sure that's semen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dear fat people. | |
| Yes? | ||
| What do you have to tell us? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Some people are already really mad at this video. | |
| Yeah, because I'm mad about your shitty act outs. | ||
| What are you going to do, fat people? | ||
| I'm going to sit here and wait for you to tell me a hacky fat joke. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| You going to chase me? | ||
| Really? | ||
| You going to chase me? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I only chase after taco trucks and people that are relevant. | |
| It's gonna be like fucking Frankenstein. | ||
| Frankenstein wasn't fat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was slow. | |
| Oh, oh, I see what you're doing. | ||
| You're comparing. | ||
| Someone took a comedy class. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, can you act out being a zombie so we can get the whole sci-fi crowd and nerds behind you? | |
| I can get away from you by walking at a reasonable pace. | ||
| Is that a snake? | ||
| Oh no, it's just your lisp. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Frankenstein, not so fast. | |
| Zombies have apparently gotten faster. | ||
| Oh, we're talking about zombies now? | ||
| You're way off from your original message. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I watched like three episodes of The Walking Dead and not being slow myself in the brain. | |
| Big tits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's what I'm looking at. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Realize that every single episode is exactly the same. | |
| What, you mean killing zombies? | ||
| That's what the show's about, dummy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no, they need something. | |
| But it's all the way over there. | ||
| Where the zombies are. | ||
| Yes, because that's what the show's about. | ||
| And why is this being shot like an American Apparel ad? | ||
| Fat shaming? | ||
| It's not a thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why don't you tell that to the teenagers that killed their self? | |
| Because people are fat shaming them. | ||
| Oh, you can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because they're dead. | |
| Oh, shit. | ||
| It's probably made up. | ||
| Probably made up by the same person that told you you have talent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the race card, with no race. | |
| Oh, now you're bringing race into it. | ||
| Oh, and can I get a shitty act out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but I couldn't fit into a store. | |
| That's discrimination. | ||
| Nailed it. | ||
| Uh, no. | ||
| That means you're too fat and you should stop eating. | ||
| Hey, hey. | ||
| Can someone shut this bitch up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Drop that shitty act out! | |
| Everybody just needs to make more fun! | ||
| There's a race card. | ||
| There's a disability card. | ||
| There's even a gay card. | ||
| A race card. | ||
| A disability card. | ||
| A gay card. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This bitch better not have a SAG card. | |
| Because gay people are discriminated against. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wrongfully so! | |
| No way! | ||
| The gay card's covered in glitter. | ||
| It's fucking magical. | ||
| Oh, I hope you choke on a glow stick. | ||
| I hope somebody beats you with a unicorn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hope somebody takes those three cards you're talking about and shoves them up your... | |
| Are you going to tell the doctor that they're being mean and fat shaming you when they say you have fucking heart disease? | ||
| No, because he's a professional and he's saying it to my face. | ||
| He's not on social media making dumb blanket statements. | ||
| I'm not talking about people who have a little bit of cushion for the push. | ||
| And if there's people watching this with a specific health condition, this is not aimed at you. | ||
| You just talked about someone who might have heart disease. | ||
| I'm talking about the 35% of North Americans who are obese. | ||
| Spell obese. | ||
| I dare you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I dare you. | |
| You got one letter right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That means you are so fat, you are affecting your own health. | |
| Okay, I think we get it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, that sounds great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's what happens when you make something like that, right? | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| If you open yourself up to that. | ||
| Dude, when you make anything, you know, you're open, you're open, like, you know, I've... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, whoa, whoa. | |
| Does that say Damon Wayans defends Bill Cosby? | ||
| Yeah, you didn't hear about that? | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Oh, you should have heard. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| He was on The Breakfast Club the other day. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Just pull that up. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| That can't be real. | ||
| It was just on the headline thing. | ||
| You know, they have that little headline thing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The drop-down. | |
| Yeah, the drop-down. | ||
| I guess entertainment. | ||
| Go to entertainment. | ||
| Cecil the Lion Killer's backdoor. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Damon Wayans defends Bill Cosby. | ||
| After this, we're going to go to Cecil. | ||
| He calls the accusers unrapeable. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| He didn't say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| You know who else defended him? | ||
| Who? | ||
| Chuck D. Chuck D called him all the accusations against Dr. Cosby. | ||
| That's what he said, Dr. Cosby. | ||
| Which, by the way, first of all, he's not a fucking doctor. | ||
| It's an honorary doctorate. | ||
| You can't call him Dr. Cosby. | ||
| When a university gives you an honorary doctorate for fucking showing up and being nice, it gives a lot of attention and promotion. | ||
| Did Chuck D do that recently? | ||
| Yes, very recently. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I was shocked. | ||
| He was talking about the conspiracy against Dr. Cosby. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| No, I'm not kidding. | ||
| And I'm a huge Chuck D fan. | ||
| Huge Public Enemy fan. | ||
| But I don't know, man. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Tell the truth, Wayne said, about his advice for The Cosby Show star. | ||
| If I was him, I would divorce my wife, give her all my money, and then I would go do a deposition. | ||
| I would light one of those three-hour cigars, and I'd have some wine, and maybe a Quaalude... | ||
| And I would just go off because I don't believe that he was raping. | ||
| I believe he was in relationships with all of them. | ||
| And then he was like, you know what? | ||
| It's 78. Don't work like that no more. | ||
| I can't get it up for any of y'all. | ||
| Bye, bitches. | ||
| And then they're like, oh, really? | ||
| Rape. | ||
| Was he just trying to be funny? | ||
| I mean, I don't know. | ||
| It's hard to know, yeah. | ||
| Okay, Power 105's Breakfast Club. | ||
| Is that that dude Charlemagne? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| See, that guy is like, his whole show is like talking shit and having fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| The God. | ||
| Yeah, so he's just trying to probably be funny. | ||
| It's a money hustle. | ||
| See, I think you should listen to this. | ||
| This is one of those things where I definitely don't think that you should ever... | ||
| There's full audio of it, for sure. | ||
| Let's play the audio, because I don't think... | ||
| Like, I'm doing a shitty version of it. | ||
| It's just like, I don't think that he, you know, I have a really hard time believing that he actually said that. | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| Just find the actual thing of it, and then we'll go back to it. | ||
| Do you have the ability to only have the audio in your head so you can listen to it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No? | |
| What the fuck kind of a studio do we have here, Jamie? | ||
| If you type in Breakfast Club, will it? | ||
| Well, I think he found it. | ||
| He just has to isolate the audio. | ||
| That's crazy that he said that, though. | ||
| Jeez, that is career suicide. | ||
| I think he was kind of serious, though, because then he also was like, I'll just let you play. | ||
| It was pretty crazy. | ||
| Did you hear it? | ||
| I read it. | ||
| I read a full transcript. | ||
| I didn't hear it. | ||
| It's hard because Damon is really funny. | ||
| Damon Wayans is one of the most underrated comedians, like, almost ever. | ||
| Damon Wayans, at one point in time, I know he got off of it and decided to, like, do more acting. | ||
| He was in The Last Boy Scout. | ||
| He had made some, like, really big movies, and he was doing real well, and it was coming off of In Living Color, and he was on his way to superstardom to the point where he did... | ||
| One of his HBO specials, I think, was called Damon Wayans' Last Stand. | ||
| And when it was over, he threw the mic down and said, like, this is my last stand-up I'm ever going to do. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| And he threw the mic down and walked away. | ||
| And I remember thinking, like, you can't stop. | ||
| You're so good. | ||
| He's one of my favorites. | ||
| At the time, he was, like, one of my all-time favorites. | ||
| And you don't hear him doing stand-up that much anymore. | ||
| You don't hear of it. | ||
| I did a show, though, it was probably nine months ago at Flappers. | ||
| And then they're like, hey, because it was my show. | ||
| Do you mind if Damon Wayans does the spot next? | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| And I go, no. | ||
| And he came in and just did a spot. | ||
| Before you? | ||
| No, right after me. | ||
| Oh, yeah, after it's fun. | ||
| But before you, that guy does long sets. | ||
| He used to show up at the comedy store, and at the height of his fame, he would go up and do 45 minutes out of nowhere. | ||
| He was really doing a workout set, like a real workout set, and it was really funny. | ||
| It wasn't fully polished bits yet, but it was really funny. | ||
| No, he fucks around a lot. | ||
| He takes a lot of chances. | ||
| He's funny, man. | ||
| I used to see him a lot when I was coming up at the comedy store in the 90s. | ||
| And he would come by and do those long sets. | ||
| And this was, like I said, at the height of his stardom. | ||
| But I think the sitcom world lured him away, man. | ||
| Because that was crazy money. | ||
| What was that last sitcom that he did? | ||
| That ran for like a while. | ||
| It ran for a while. | ||
| My Wife and Kids or something? | ||
| That ran for a while. | ||
| But nobody gave a fuck about it. | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm sure the people watching it might have given a fuck about it, but in comparison to what he's capable of with his stand-up, there's no comparison. | ||
| Yeah, he's a monster. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| He could have been, I think, one of the all-time greats. | ||
| I really do believe that. | ||
| I really do believe that. | ||
| I think he could have been like Chappelle. | ||
| I think he could have been right out there with all those guys. | ||
| But that lure is strong. | ||
| Imagine what his quote was when he's going into that show. | ||
| Stupid, stupid money. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, you know, it's fucking hard, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They get lured into that. | ||
| Or, who knows, man? | ||
| Maybe he just decided that's what he wanted to do. | ||
| Maybe the idea of doing stand-up all the time wasn't appealing to him. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's just... | ||
| I see a guy like that, and I go, wow, that's kind of crazy. | ||
| Because he's, like, easily one of the all-times. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| During the day. | ||
| During the day. | ||
| Back in the day. | ||
| And then you see him now, and it's just... | ||
| I never hear about him anymore. | ||
| I never hear about him doing a stadium somewhere. | ||
| I don't know if this was true, but I remember hearing multiple people say that Eddie Murphy, when he stopped doing stand-up, was saying that I don't want to even have to compete with Damon Waynes. | ||
| I heard people say that. | ||
| That's what Eddie Murphy thought of Damon Waynes, that he was like, that dude's the funniest fucking guy. | ||
| He was so good, dude. | ||
| I remember seeing him nights at the Comedy Store with like 50 people in the audience just crushing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And be inspired, thinking, fuck, this guy's so good. | ||
| He's one of those overused term, but he's just a naturally funny guy, right? | ||
| Like, he's a guy, I feel like, that can just kind of talk about anything and be funny. | ||
| Well, he works at it, for sure. | ||
| I mean, it's hard to say naturally funny when the guy's doing sets all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
True, true. | |
| You know, we all know that that's the way that everything gets polished up, but I had heard that, I don't know if this is true, so I probably shouldn't even be saying it, but I had heard that he had installed a stage in his house. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Yeah, that he put a stage, like, he installed, like, a little mini comedy club in his house, like, to fuck around and practice. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That sounds crazy. | ||
| It does sound crazy, but why is that crazy? | ||
| But someone installing a music studio in their house isn't crazy. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Because I think it's the idea that you need pretty much strangers to be at your comedy show. | ||
| You need an audience. | ||
| Whereas a studio, that's where you do your work, doesn't matter where it's located. | ||
| Are you just going to have people like, RSVP'd in my house this weekend, man? | ||
| Well, maybe he would practice in front of nobody. | ||
| And maybe he would have his family sit down and listen. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Practice in front of nobody's kind of a weird thing, right? | ||
| Like, I've heard people tell me, a lot of times I've heard people go, hey man, I'm trying to get into stand-up. | ||
| Like, what should I do? | ||
| And I'm like, well, you know, get on stage. | ||
| Like, I do it a lot. | ||
| I'm like, where do you do it? | ||
| Like, at home? | ||
| Like, I'll stay in front of the mirror and do it there. | ||
| I'm like, oh. | ||
| Like, yeah, you need an audience, man. | ||
| I recorded all my ideas as stand-up bits before I ever did them. | ||
| I had a tape recorder with those little press buttons and you record. | ||
| I never even did stand-up yet, so it was my idea of what stand-up should sound like. | ||
| Where are those tapes? | ||
| Where are those tapes? | ||
| I'd love to get a hold of those. | ||
| How's everybody doing? | ||
| It was awful, I'm sure, but I only did it like before I did stand-up. | ||
| Once I did my first open mic night, I stopped doing it. | ||
| Do you record ideas still in your phone? | ||
| Yes, I record ideas, but more often than that, instead of recording them, I do record them, but I talk into the voice thing. | ||
| I talk into this, you know, you have the voice notes or the notes app, you know, you could talk to it. | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh dude, check this out. | ||
| See this little button right here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tom Segura is a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Bam. | ||
| Oh, that's in notes? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| How the fuck have I ever done that? | ||
| Oh, it's amazing. | ||
| So I'm in my car. | ||
| If I'm in my car and I have an idea, I'll either record it, which I'll sometimes do, or I will just say the note and it'll type it out for you. | ||
| But there's some stuff that's lost in writing things down as opposed to hearing it. | ||
| So did you isolate what he said? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Joe Rogan just taught me how this shit works. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| It's so accurate now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now, what advice would you give Bill Cosby now if you could tell him, this is what you need to do. | |
| Did he say die? | ||
| Die. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell the truth. | |
| If I was him, I would divorce my wife, wink wink, give her all my money, and then I would go to a deposition, I'd light one of them three hour cigars, I'd have me some wine, and maybe a Quaalude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I would just go off because I don't believe that he was raping. | ||
| I think he was in relationships with all of them. | ||
| And then he's like, you know what? | ||
| It's 78. It don't work no more. | ||
| I can't get it up for any of y'all. | ||
| Bye, bitches. | ||
| And they're like, oh, really? | ||
| Rape. | ||
| Because, I mean, 40 years. | ||
| 40 years. | ||
| Listen, how big is his penis that it give you amnesia for 40 years? | ||
| Well, no, in all fairness, some women did come out previously. | ||
| Some women did go ahead previously and come out and give their stories. | ||
| And we didn't hear, there's a couple of them that did, you know, decades, a couple of decades ago. | ||
| So he never was charged with anything. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But if you listen to them talk, they go, well, the first time, the first time, bitch, how many times did it happen? | ||
| Just listen to what they're saying. | ||
| And some of them really is unrapeable. | ||
| When you look, I look at them and go, no, he don't want that. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| And Charlene gets up and he's laughing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get out of here. | |
| No, but I understand the dynamics. | ||
| They might have been hot in their younger days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you can tell, dude. | |
| Some of them are models and actresses, but I understand the dynamic of people saying, well, why were you alone with him? | ||
| Or why were you in that room? | ||
| Or why did you go upstairs with him? | ||
| And then people look at you in a certain way and you're like, man, maybe I shouldn't have done that. | ||
| Maybe that's my fault. | ||
| Look, I understand fame. | ||
| I've lived it. | ||
| Women will throw themselves at you. | ||
| They just want to be in your presence. | ||
| There's some that innocently will come up there, but not 40-something women. | ||
| They're not that naive. | ||
| He's talking about in 1965, he just walked into someone's dressing room and put his penis in their mouth? | ||
| But then people are also looking at Bill Cosby and the persona that he has of like a mentor. | ||
| Oh, I'm gonna help you with your career. | ||
| Some of them were on the Cosby show and would come into his dressing room. | ||
| You know what Bill Cosby did, Ron? | ||
| He started criticizing young black men. | ||
| Yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then he lost us. | |
| Yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And so we're not supporting him. | |
| And they see that opening. | ||
| And so now, you know what? | ||
| Attack him. | ||
| Kill him. | ||
| But the dude from 7th Heaven, his show's still on TV. Yep. | ||
| That's very true what you said. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that dude from Seventh Heaven's show still on TV? I thought they pulled that. | |
| Hold on, pause that real quick. | ||
| Is that? | ||
| They got pulled a while ago, I thought. | ||
| Yeah, is that true? | ||
| I remember when that story... | ||
| Is that the Seventh Heaven guy? | ||
| Collins, right? | ||
| He actually admitted that he raped young girls, right? | ||
| He admitted that he had sexually molested young girls. | ||
| Let's see, Seventh Heaven cancelled. | ||
| Well, I thought they even stopped airing the reruns. | ||
| Yeah, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| Seventh Heaven was canceled. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's canceled. | ||
| Yeah, but that guy's not in jail, right? | ||
| Don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Stephen Collins is his name. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stephen Collins. | |
| But I think, yeah, confesses sexual abuse, but that's December, yeah, the last news of this was from over a year ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| Wow. | ||
| So it just, that's it. | ||
| He got divorced. | ||
| His divorce, this is the last piece of news, is that he got divorced. | ||
| His divorce settled. | ||
| And then his confession tape. | ||
| Wasn't that a part of the divorce? | ||
| Like, the part of, like, why he got caught was that his wife... | ||
| She recorded him. | ||
| Recorded it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And she outed him because she was divorcing him. | ||
| Well, who knows why she didn't? | ||
| I hope she, you know, I hope she felt like he was a piece of shit and that was part of the reasons why she did it. | ||
| Settlement, a 50-50 split. | ||
| As we previously reported, the pot is worth around 14 million bucks. | ||
| That guy had 14 million bucks? | ||
| What the hell, man? | ||
| Imagine the poor woman living with some guy and he's fucking little kids. | ||
| Little kids. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Yeah, that guy should be... | ||
| It says the tape has made him unemployable and therefore he should be socked with a big spousal support tab. | ||
| But they worked it out down to who got the furniture. | ||
| That guy should be in jail. | ||
| Period. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Just in jail. | ||
| But this Cosby thing, like, Damon Wayans' attitude about it is very strange. | ||
| I don't agree with him at all. | ||
| You know, I mean, what he said, also what he said about Cosby criticizing young black men, that's fucking absolutely the truth. | ||
| He should have shut his fucking mouth about that. | ||
| But he should have shut his fucking mouth about that, not because he was raping women, just because... | ||
| It's none of your fucking business, like, who swears or who doesn't swear. | ||
| You're denying the artistic integrity of, like, Richard Pryor or Dave Chappelle or any of these guys who swear. | ||
| I think he's also making a commentary about that Cosby was doing it to young black men in society. | ||
| Because that was a big thing for him in, like, the last 15, 20 years. | ||
| He even wrote a book with another guy. | ||
| He was like, you know, that famous like, pull your paint, stop, you have these ridiculous names. | ||
| He gave like that kind of town hall speech, and he went into like really impoverished areas, and he's like, these names that you guys are, these aren't real names. | ||
| Right, Pookie, T-Bone. | ||
| Yeah, like, what's this Quantasha and shit? | ||
| So when he started to do that, people were like, well, here's a uber rich dude coming in telling us how to live our life. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Telling us we're doing everything wrong. | ||
| He lost a lot of fans with that. | ||
| I think he's definitely got a point with that. | ||
| But the other thing, the woman had a point about how Cosby had that mentor role. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| He would have these people and say he was going to help their career. | ||
| That's what they all said. | ||
| Can you imagine, though, if you were a young girl, like some 18-year-old girl, And Bill Cosby, who was, you know, 50 or 60 at the time, whatever the hell he was, brings you into his dressing room, says he's gonna help your career, and then slips a fucking quaalude into your drink. | ||
| And you're passed out, and you wake up with your panties off, and Cosby's jizz dripping down your asshole, and you're like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Dude, yeah. | ||
| You'd probably be so confused and so horrified. | ||
| And you know no one's going to believe you, too. | ||
| That's, by the way, the whole thing about, like, I've heard a lot of people bring up the time between something happening and the accusation. | ||
| Very common with sexual assault to wait long periods of time. | ||
| Because people feel shame and they feel like no one will believe them. | ||
| They don't know what to do. | ||
| It's really common. | ||
| It's not unusual at all. | ||
| Well, that's the case with all rape, right? | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| Sex crimes a lot of times don't go reported because of that. | ||
| It's the idea that they're unrapeable. | ||
| That's really fucked up. | ||
| He's trying to be funny. | ||
| He was trying to be funny there. | ||
| Can we see the rest of this? | ||
| Do you want to keep going? | ||
| Sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They killed Bill Cosby. | |
| But being just sitting back looking at it, I just don't believe this. | ||
| I think it's a money hustle. | ||
| What you say is true because social media, we're the loudest on social media. | ||
| And social media is what really reignited that flame back of Bill Cosby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hannibal Buress. | |
| That was Hannibal Buress. | ||
| I wonder how he feels being the dude that destroyed Bill Cosby. | ||
| If Bill Cosby died, he should be charged with accessory to murder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| - Shut up, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
- I'm serious. | |
| - But I always tell you-- - Shut up. - Accessory to murder. | ||
| - Yeah, that's right. - I tell him about that all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
- I always tell you the story 'cause I think, and for them to make jokes like that, that's something that was kinda like well known, You know, people heard that about Bill Cosby. | |
| I remember when I was really young, my mom told me that she knew somebody that Bill Cosby had drugged. | ||
| And she told me that when I was a little kid. | ||
| She brought that back up too. | ||
| But it was a story that had always floated around. | ||
| That's why I think... | ||
| But here's the thing. | ||
| I don't know if I believe every single fifth of the 50 women, but I do believe that there's some... | ||
| There may be. | ||
| And for them, my heart goes out to them. | ||
| For anybody who was raped by dope, I'm sorry. | ||
| And I hope you get justice. | ||
| You other bitches, look, he gave me two pills. | ||
| He wasn't a doctor back then. | ||
| He gave them two pills. | ||
| That was the drug of choice. | ||
| Molly's is the drug of choice now. | ||
| People do that to get in the mood. | ||
| Maybe the girls never told him no, but they never told him yes either. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or they woke up and... | |
| But what's the joy of sleeping, you know, banging somebody who's asleep? | ||
| Gotta ask Bill. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, and you know, people have done that. | |
| The date rape drug has been a popular thing, you know? | ||
| That's just a ridiculous argument. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you think about Hannibal Buhr? | |
| I wouldn't want to be him. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Because, you know, the thing is, he, you know, I watch his show and I don't think he, it's premature in terms of his success. | ||
| Right now they're putting him out there because, you know, he's the guy out of Bill Cosby and he wasn't ready for primetime. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So hopefully, maybe he'll get it, you know, he'll catch it, but I don't feel it right now. | ||
| And, you know, I wouldn't want to be someone to take down my hero. | ||
| I think we need heroes, and I think that we need to be more supportive until we know for sure, for sure, because there ain't no charges against him. | ||
| You know, innocent until proven guilty. | ||
| Not in this day and age. | ||
| Not with social media. | ||
| You're guilty when Twitter says you're guilty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they never retract what they say. | |
| They just put that on you. | ||
| That's a heavy one to carry around. | ||
| Have you ever had an incident where a woman... | ||
| I think the bigger thing here... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never. | |
| Well, I mean, anything. | ||
| Anything could happen. | ||
| A woman could be like, oh, I told him no. | ||
| I keep my drawers on. | ||
| You never had a baby pinned on you? | ||
| Never. | ||
| I mean, blank man can get some Probably You know what I'm saying? | ||
| That's how I feel about Bill I'm like, Bill, did Bill really have to rape women? | ||
| It's Bill Cosby Yeah, that's what I'm saying I mean And The thing that people I think they struggle with too with this whole Cosby story is that like when he said hero he was a hero to so many people that that's that's the part that they Because they can't wrap their head around this was like... | ||
| If your hero's a piece of shit, though, don't you want a new hero? | ||
| Yeah, but I think it's so beat in, like, the hero thing is so deep in their mind, they don't want to believe that the hero's a piece of shit. | ||
| There's a problem also that there's people that are really bad people, That do really good things as well. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| There's people that are inconsistent. | ||
| I mean, they do great things, like he might be a great comic, but also be a rapist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| He might be really drugging women and raping them as well as being really funny. | ||
| That might be his demon. | ||
| Because, like, almost every comic has some sort of a demon, whether it's an Anger demon or a drug demon or a violence demon or a gambling demon or, you know, whatever the fuck the demon is. | ||
| His demon might very well be he likes to drug people. | ||
| He likes to have that ultimate power. | ||
| And, you know, the other knock on Bill Cosby has always been that he's a massive elitist, where he believes he's much better than everybody else. | ||
| That has always been the knock on him. | ||
| And to the point where I worked at a casino where he wanted people to tuck him in bed at night. | ||
| He wanted the security guard to tuck him in bed. | ||
| Like literally. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| He likes to be tucked in bed. | ||
| He wanted people to sit down and watch him. | ||
| They wanted all the staff that was working in the theater to watch him eat curry. | ||
| This is not something that I'm the only one who's heard this to. | ||
| I've read this online, too. | ||
| That he likes the people that work there to sit down with him while he eats. | ||
| And they don't talk to him. | ||
| You work at the venue where they told you this? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That he sits down there and he eats, and they all sit around and watch him eat. | ||
| And he wants them to do that. | ||
| A little bit of a God complex. | ||
| Whatever it is, whatever craziness that allowed him to be that guy that openly criticized people. | ||
| You ever see that time when Wanda Sykes interviewed him at some award show or something like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| He'd shit on her English. | ||
| He was wearing sunglasses indoors. | ||
| He had that arrogance about him. | ||
| That's the same kind of arrogance that would make you feel like you're better than other people to the point where you could just drug them. | ||
| You know, especially some young girl that you might think is stupid, and you could just drug her, like, this is a silly bitch back at my place, thinks she's not gonna give the pussy to Bill Cosby. | ||
| Plink, plink, here, drink this. | ||
| Would you like a cappuccino? | ||
| Keep you awake? | ||
| I mean, how ironic, giving him cappuccino with fucking quaaludes in it. | ||
| He's a savage. | ||
| And then that, you know, I keep hearing people, they keep saying, um, What fun is it to fuck somebody that's asleep? | ||
| It's because that's what he likes. | ||
| He likes raping people that are asleep. | ||
| It's not about hooking up because you're famous. | ||
| That's a crazy thing to say because what fun is it to rape someone who's resisting? | ||
| You're saying that that doesn't happen? | ||
| Of course it happens. | ||
| But I'm saying what Cosby likes is he likes raping passed out people. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What I'm saying is how ridiculous is anyone saying that? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| That's so short-sighted. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It is. | ||
| What fun is it robbing people? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't you want to get your own money? | ||
| Yeah, of course, dummy. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's such a short-sighted thing to say. | ||
| It's the type of thing that someone says when they're not talking to really intelligent, objective people on a regular basis and formulating these opinions based on real, extensive thinking. | ||
| The idea that all of them are lying seems kind of crazy. | ||
| Of course it's crazy. | ||
| It's a fucking crime. | ||
| I mean, this isn't something small. | ||
| This isn't like a guy who, you know, Bill Cosby stared at my wife's tits. | ||
| He's telling my wife's tits, too. | ||
| Now this is like some deep, deep, dark, demonic shit. | ||
| And then they're gonna have the blame be on Hannibal like he did. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| So stupid. | ||
| Also, them saying that Hannibal got that show just because Hannibal was hot already. | ||
| Hot as shit. | ||
| Which is why people are coming to see his show in a theater. | ||
| It's a theater show. | ||
| Yeah, while he was talking about Bill Cosby. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, of course. | |
| So this is not a small thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| And Hannibal's argument was about that Bill Cosby always shits on people for using bad language, which is fucking true. | ||
| It was the whole thing we were talking about of how he was lecturing young black people. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And Hannibal's like, well, at least I'm a fucking rapist. | ||
| Put that fucking phone down, Tommy. | ||
| Flip it over. | ||
| I see what you're doing. | ||
| I see what you can't help yourself. | ||
| You can't help yourself. | ||
| I shut my computer for you. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I just don't want to influence you in any way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| It's hard, right? | ||
| It's kind of hard. | ||
| I think that the guy is a sick fuck. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| I think undeniably he's a sick fuck. | ||
| How sick of a fuck he is, how evil he is, the only people that know are him and the people that he did that to. | ||
| It's the best profile ever for somebody that wants to do that. | ||
| If you take away what you know of him as a performer and the celebrity, and you just imagine somebody that wants to do that, and then they build a reputation of being someone you can trust. | ||
| Impeccable. | ||
| Impeccable. | ||
| I mean, he had the best reputation ever. | ||
| You know, it's like when you have the Sandusky guy, the coach, that had a charity that was for kids. | ||
| And he was like, I'm taking care of these kids that are, you know, left behind. | ||
| And then he was raping those kids. | ||
| But people that were... | ||
| People that even knew him that were on the board of that were like, he's the best guy. | ||
| Do you know that that is apparently very common? | ||
| That one of the things that evil people will do is they'll start a charity and then like really harp on that charity. | ||
| You talk about that charity all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So evil. | |
| And they become almost beyond reproach because of the fact they're doing such good work. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like one of the things Lance Armstrong used to always bring up is how much money he was generating for cancer research. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| We've generated all this money. | ||
| It's a distraction. | ||
| Instead of saying, like, hey, no, I'm not doing any steroids. | ||
| No one's doing steroids, which he did say a few times. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or he would, like, immediately go to that thing about, like, how much money we're making with Livestrong. | ||
| And it was people's defense for him all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When I criticized him on this show, I got lit up by people. | ||
| This was before he came. | ||
| And they were like, has he ever failed a test? | ||
| Like, his whole thing, I've never failed a test. | ||
| And do you realize the amount of money being funneled into cancer research? | ||
| Like, that excuses... | ||
| It's all fucked up. | ||
| I had Jeff Nowitzki on, the guy who busted him. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| After he was on, Lance contacted me. | ||
| And I had a conversation with him on the phone. | ||
| Lance Armstrong contacted you? | ||
| Yeah, he may or may not do the podcast because he wants to tell his story. | ||
| I think, if I look at his point of view, I think... | ||
| He was in a sport where Everybody was doing drugs right and I think there's a moment when you Have these ideals like what you're trying to do as a competitor and then you get to the big leagues and you realize Like you get into that NFL locker room when you find out why people are 350 pounds of solid muscle Yeah. | ||
| You're like, oh, oh, I get it. | ||
| Like, I have a buddy who played, I don't want to say what college he played for, but he played college for, um, he played football. | ||
| He's a big fucking dude. | ||
| And he played with a bunch of guys who are in the NFL now. | ||
| And he had some injuries and he stopped playing. | ||
| He said that when he got to college, he goes, there was this attitude that you only have a few years. | ||
| You have a couple years to make an impression. | ||
| And he said the fucking sophistication of the drug use that he saw when he was in college at a big, big time college football team. | ||
| He goes, it was fucking crazy. | ||
| He goes, it was crazy and it was widespread and it was from the top down. | ||
| Everybody knew what the fuck was going on, and there was an established protocol, and they would tell you, hey, buddy, you're going to get tested on Friday. | ||
| So on Friday, come in, and you're going to have to take your test. | ||
| And he said when he would get tested, they would say, okay, here's your cup, so go in there, do your urine sample, and then come out and bring it to me. | ||
| Like, there was no one there while he did it. | ||
| No one watched. | ||
| They didn't tell if he had a rubber dick. | ||
| They didn't tell if he had a guy in there waiting for him, pissing it for him. | ||
| He goes, I could have had my cousin pissing a thing for me. | ||
| People would piss in bags, and they would take that bag and strap it to their body, so it would keep it body temperature, and then put it under your clothes, and then you would get into the bathroom, and you'd open up that bag and pour the contents into the thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| So you'd have someone else's piss. | ||
| He said, but they gave you all the time in the world to do it. | ||
| And he goes... | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| Everybody was doing steroids. | ||
| Everybody. | ||
| He goes, they weren't just doing steroids. | ||
| They were doing EPO. They were doing all these drugs to maximize your endurance. | ||
| They were doing all these recovery drugs. | ||
| He goes, they were doing everything. | ||
| Everybody's doing everything. | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| I totally believe it. | ||
| I believe it too, and I think that's what happened with Lance Armstrong. | ||
| I think this guy got into cycling, he got to the highest level of the sport, and he got to the pros, and he's like, oh shit, this is all about taking your own blood out, putting it back in your body, this is about doing EPO, this is about doing testosterone, this is about doing whatever the fuck you can do to recover so that you can compete. | ||
| And then you got the U.S. Postal Service, okay? | ||
| Which is the guys who are promoting his event, right? | ||
| He's the cyclist for the postal team. | ||
| So now he's getting sued for not just the money that they paid him for winning, because, you know, you have to sign something saying you're not on drugs, but because he was working for the government. | ||
| They say he's defrauded the government so they can sue you for three times the damages. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| So they're suing him for $100 million right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the thing about, I think, what he did, too, and why the perception is different for Lance in particular, is that the light was shining brighter because of how successful he was, and then the way that he would defend himself... | ||
| He was fucking vicious about it. | ||
| Sue people too. | ||
| Sue people and then take them down publicly. | ||
| Like he was destroying people's ability to work, make money, support their families. | ||
| So he was cold fucking blooded about defending himself, which made him basically like a bigger dick throughout the whole thing. | ||
| So not just a cheater, but a guy that was really fucking an asshole to everybody on the way. | ||
| That's why I want to hear his story. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want to hear how he views it. | ||
| And I also want to hear what it was like to be the focus of attention for a fucking dirty industry. | ||
| I mean, it's a dirty business. | ||
| Did you watch the documentary? | ||
| Yeah, I did. | ||
| What was it like talking to him? | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| How long did you guys talk for a while? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We talked for a while on the phone. | ||
| I haven't met him in person. | ||
| I was in Austin. | ||
| I was going to invite him to my show. | ||
| But I'm like, eh, probably better just talk to him when I see him. | ||
| If and when I see him. | ||
| Just talk to him. | ||
| Is he considering doing it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's his idea. | ||
| He reached out to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, listen, you're not gonna get a platform like this where you're gonna reach millions of people and you can talk for three hours and I'm gonna let you say anything you want. | ||
| I want him to express himself as openly. | ||
| Look, it's all on the table now. | ||
| They sued the shit out of him. | ||
| They took a fuckload of money from him. | ||
| They took away his ability to make a living. | ||
| He's a guy that was the poster boy For this sport. | ||
| I mean, if it wasn't for him, who gives a fuck about cycling? | ||
| You got Greg LeMond, and you got Lance Armstrong. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| I don't know anybody else. | ||
| Do you know one other guy who cycles? | ||
| No. | ||
| I know Tony Hawk. | ||
| I don't know anybody else that skateboards. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Who the fuck else skateboard? | ||
| I'm sure there's other guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's the guy that's the big name guy. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of sports that have that. | ||
| Like, women's fighting. | ||
| Everybody knows who Ronda Rousey is. | ||
| There's a million other women fighters. | ||
| Everybody knows who Ronda Rousey is. | ||
| It's so big. | ||
| She's so big now that, like, I was in a hotel on fight night when she fought last, and, like, just dudes that you know are not fans of women's athletics. | ||
| We're all, you know what I mean? | ||
| Like, they're all walking around. | ||
| Just to tell you how, like, how much she's changed things, like, they were, like, walking, looking, talking, like, the bellhop. | ||
| Where's the Rousey fight on? | ||
| I gotta go find the Rousey. | ||
| Like, I feel like that's how much it's swung, you know? | ||
| Like, she's changed it. | ||
| We're like, these fucking... | ||
| Total misogynistic pigs were still like, I need to find that Rousey fight now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now why would you assume just because they're dudes that they're misogynistic pigs? | |
| I just, I'm an asshole. | ||
| Because you're a guy! | ||
| Yeah, I just looked at them and I was like, these guys are pigs. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| If they like sports and they work out, they're pigs. | ||
| These guys were pigs. | ||
| These guys didn't work out. | ||
| Did you see what Beyonce did? | ||
| Beyonce did the Central Park concert. | ||
| It was a free concert, and Dana White came up to me Saturday night after the fights, and he pulls over his iPhone and he goes, watch this. | ||
| Not the flip phone? | ||
| No, he has an iPhone now. | ||
| They make him use an iPhone because he's under some investigation, so they have to be able to track all of his shit because they were getting sued. | ||
| There's a bunch of shit going on. | ||
| Anyway, he shows me this video on his iPhone. | ||
| And it's Beyonce has a free concert in Central Park and on this giant screen fucking enormous hundred-foot screen She has all Ronda Rousey's words playing out like the script of it while Ron is talking Ron is talking about not being a do-nothing bitch She's like every muscle in my body has a functional purpose right? | ||
| I'm not some do-nothing bitch sitting around waiting for some millionaire to come home and fuck me and Chick that hustle, chicks that hustle, that is like, they're like, fuck yeah! | ||
| But to all those do-nothing bitches out there, that's like, hey! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| I was your fan! | ||
| I mean, I want to work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm trying to get lucrative, but I ain't trying to hustle that hard. | |
| How lucrative are you willing to get? | ||
| Because I get lucrative. | ||
| I get pretty lucrative. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Is that a shirt next week? | ||
| I'm trying to get lucrative right now. | ||
| I retweeted Ian Edwards. | ||
| He's appearing this weekend at the Punchline. | ||
| By the way, if you're in Sacramento, he's one of the funniest fucking dudes working today. | ||
| He is so fucking funny. | ||
| Look what he wrote me after I tweeted to him. | ||
| Thanks, man. | ||
| It's going to be lucrative. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| We're both laughing about it on the plane. | ||
| We couldn't stop saying it. | ||
| How lucrative do you get? | ||
| Because I get pretty lucrative. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Do you get lucrative? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| When I was in Montreal, I think I told you this, I did a show every night, an hour show every night. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I would just ask, I asked Tony to come by and just do an opening set, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Dude, Ian fucking floored the place. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| Yeah, he floored it. | ||
| And he's only doing that now. | ||
| I mean, he's doing some writing, but he's really concentrating on that. | ||
| But see, and that's how you get really good. | ||
| We had a conversation about it, man. | ||
| I told him, I said, dude, I think you're one of the best goddamn comics in the world. | ||
| I think you're one of the best comics on the planet Earth. | ||
| And people don't know about you. | ||
| I go, the difference between your skill level, your ability, and what people know is so vast. | ||
| And it's because he's been writing so much. | ||
| Writing on all these sitcoms. | ||
| He's good at that. | ||
| He's very good at that. | ||
| He's best at stand-up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| His stand-up. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| And he's such a unique original voice. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No one reminds me of him. | ||
| He's really a unique talent. | ||
| And he's such a good dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been friends with him for like 24 years, 23 years. | ||
| He's got that fucking non-aging black eye thing where I'm like, what are you- He won't tell me how old he is. | ||
| I was in New York at a club, I forget which club I was in, and he had a fucking headshot on there that looked 25 years old, and he had dreads in it. | ||
| I was like, how old is this shit, man? | ||
| How old is he? | ||
| He's a vampire, bro. | ||
| Yeah, he's a vampire. | ||
| He sleeps upside down. | ||
| Let me see how old he is. | ||
| We'll find out. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I'm going to find out right now. | ||
| I'm going to Wikipedia the fuck out of that shit. | ||
| But it's probably not on there, right? | ||
| It says he's only 43. It says he's born February 11th, 1972, 43. Okay, that's bullshit. | ||
| Unless he was 15 when I met him. | ||
| Nah, yeah. | ||
| That's a lie, Ian. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| But he might. | ||
| That might be true. | ||
| He won't tell you, though. | ||
| If you ask him, he won't tell you. | ||
| The stripper that we were talking to, she wouldn't tell us either. | ||
| I go, how old are you? | ||
| I go, I'm 48. How old are you? | ||
| I'm like, come on. | ||
| A lady never tells her age. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, they do when they're 20. Yeah, exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm almost 21. I'm so old. | |
| I can't believe I'm almost 21. Now I don't ever not get sir. | ||
| I used to not get sir that much. | ||
| You got gray in your beard, son. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I'm sir. | ||
| You got that fucking beard. | ||
| That man's beard. | ||
| Sorry, sir. | ||
| We'll be with you in a minute, sir. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You got a fucking werewolf beard. | ||
| Anybody with a big-ass gorilla beard like that? | ||
| You're a sir. | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| You're a goddamn man, Tommy Bunz. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're a man about to make a baby. | ||
| Well, you made a baby. | ||
| About to have a baby. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A couple months away. | ||
| How's that feel? | ||
| I'm excited, man. | ||
| I really am. | ||
| I think it's part of the reason is that I think it's because I didn't have a baby at 25, you know? | ||
| So it's like something that I waited. | ||
| Well, we waited, obviously. | ||
| And then you're more established. | ||
| I feel more financially stable and emotionally ready for it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's perfect. | ||
| It's a perfect time. | ||
| I hear people go like, are you terrified? | ||
| And I'm like, no. | ||
| That's people that don't want any commitment in their life. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not terrified at all. | ||
| Those guys probably don't even have girlfriends though, right? | ||
| Yeah, I guess so. | ||
| I never thought about it. | ||
| But I'm like, no, I'm excited for it. | ||
| I'm not terrified. | ||
| There's people that can't imagine anybody living other than the way they live. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But you get that from all sides. | ||
| I hear people go, are you ready for your life to be over? | ||
| Who said that to you? | ||
| Cut them off, whoever they are. | ||
| Right life to be over. | ||
| You know what's equally annoying though? | ||
| And I gotta say, I really found this very annoying when I was single and I didn't have kids. | ||
| It really bugged the shit out of me that people would tell me that you have to have kids in order to be like a mature adult. | ||
| Like, when are you gonna settle down and have kids? | ||
| When are you gonna, when are you gonna, like, guys that I knew that had kids that were fucking miserable, and by the way, everyone who told me this to a man, everyone is divorced. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Every single one, every single one that told me to get married and have children is fucking divorced. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Every one of them. | ||
| I mean, like, seven, eight, nine guys. | ||
| Yeah, I've never believed that, and I've certainly never lectured anybody. | ||
| That's sanctimonious shit. | ||
| Telling people to live their lives the way you're living your life is the only way you can do it. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, everybody's got a... | ||
| People are weird, man. | ||
| Some people, they just want to... | ||
| Like, I have a friend, my friend Steve Maxwell, he doesn't have a place to live. | ||
| He just travels. | ||
| He goes from town to town. | ||
| He's a really famous, as far as that world, strength and conditioning coach and, like, a personal trainer. | ||
| And he goes all over the world. | ||
| You'll see his Instagram. | ||
| He's in Fiji sometimes. | ||
| Just training people? | ||
| Training people. | ||
| He'll put together these little small seminars. | ||
| These small groups of people. | ||
| We'll meet them every week. | ||
| They'll say, okay, they have some things set up where 10 people will meet in this one place, and then he's going to coach them for five or six days. | ||
| So they have a getaway, and he puts these together. | ||
| And then gyms will have him come in, and he'll teach seminars at their gyms. | ||
| He just lives out of a bag. | ||
| I couldn't live like that. | ||
| But he can. | ||
| Right, but I would never lecture that guy either. | ||
| I wouldn't like it, but he can do it. | ||
| Tom Rhodes! | ||
| Tom Rhodes has a fucking apartment now in Los Angeles. | ||
| He does? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| When did he get it? | ||
| Decided really recently. | ||
| He said, I'm done. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| I'm going to stay here. | ||
| At the store, he was hanging around the store. | ||
| You know that secret comics bar? | ||
| The little comics bar? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| In the back? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There were only comics allowed to go there and hang out there and comics friends. | ||
| We were hanging around back there and he was like, dude, I got an apartment. | ||
| I go, what? | ||
| I go, how long were you a renegade for? | ||
| He goes, like, ten years. | ||
| For ten years. | ||
| He came to my place last year and didn't have it, so I know it's got to be recent. | ||
| He was staying in people's places. | ||
| He was staying in hotels. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| A great dude. | ||
| Yeah, and he also is one of those guys that's a... | ||
| He's a world-traveling comic. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You know, he's done... | ||
| Singapore one week, Holland the next week. | ||
| And has done... | ||
| That kind of thing forever. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, he's been doing stand-up for 25 years. | ||
| At least, yeah. | ||
| And out of those 25 years, he's been touring around the world for 15. Yeah, at least, yeah. | ||
| At least. | ||
| He used to have a show in Holland where it was... | ||
| A late-night show. | ||
| It was a late-night show. | ||
| It was like a big-time show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was the something-something show, like some other guy's name... | ||
| Starring Tom Rhodes. | ||
| It was like the like say if you like instead of like the Tom Segura show was like the Jamie Vernon show starring Tom Segura and like It was real weird. | ||
| Yeah, and he was I heard that you know, he was like their letterman. | ||
| Yeah, he did that for quite a while. | ||
| Yeah, he's uh, but he's he's decided now he wants to Live in an apartment. | ||
| Yeah, and he's had a wife for a while too. | ||
| Yeah, he travels with his wife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's great. | |
| Yeah, she's great Yeah, he enjoyed that life. | ||
| You can live any way you want, man. | ||
| Argentino. | ||
| I think his mother's Argentine. | ||
| Argentino. | ||
| Argentino. | ||
| Everybody's got their own thing, man. | ||
| For some people, having a kid is the worst fucking idea on the planet. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| I totally understand that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think those are the people that are telling me. | ||
| Are you out of your mind? | ||
| But there's a weird thing, man, when people are like, listen, dude, when are you going to settle down now? | ||
| You need to have a kid. | ||
| Like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. | ||
| Listen, it's easy for you to say. | ||
| You're not a man until you have a kid. | ||
| You're not mature. | ||
| I think it's really obnoxious and gross to assume that Everyone would want that, even at any point. | ||
| I think that it's totally legit that somebody's 50, 60, 70 years old, never had kids, and is totally fulfilled and happy. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Why wouldn't they be? | ||
| You tell me you can't contribute unless you make another human being? | ||
| Yeah, that's silly. | ||
| That's silly. | ||
| I mean, what is your contribution in life? | ||
| Your contribution in life is how you affect other people. | ||
| Whether you influence them in a positive way, whether they think about you with love, they think about you with happiness, the people that you've interacted with personally, the people that you know, that's what your legacy is. | ||
| And if you're a guy who thinks that having a kid is the end-all be-all, but then your kid turns out to be fucked up, Well, what did you do, dummy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ruined your kid. | ||
| That was your contribution. | ||
| Your contribution and you fucked it up. | ||
| And you had one big project and you fucked it up. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| You're sitting there drawing dicks. | ||
| No, that's an old drawing. | ||
| But it's yours. | ||
| It's only an hour old. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| But we were talking about the world's biggest dick, so I was inspired. | ||
| You felt compelled. | ||
| Are you going to keep doing that once you have kids, Tommy? | ||
| I think so, but I'll just call them something else. | ||
| You're going to influence your kid by drawing dicks. | ||
| I'm going to have a real tough time with being mature, I feel like. | ||
| Well, I don't think you have to be. | ||
| Yeah, well, I'll be very... | ||
| We already have a system in place where we're trying to... | ||
| We're going to do burps are one thumbs up, but farts are two thumbs up because farts are fucking awesome. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Like, whenever anyone farts around the kid, I'm going to go two thumbs up. | ||
| So you and your wife just rip them in front of each other? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| But my belches have been getting stronger. | ||
| They're better now. | ||
| You're working on them? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Will you change your diet? | ||
| More probiotics? | ||
| Yeah, I just feel like I'm having them come up from the diaphragm now, and they're just more powerful. | ||
| Have you always farted in front of your girlfriends? | ||
| Not right away, but yeah, eventually. | ||
| How long do you usually wait? | ||
| How many dates in? | ||
| Oh, it's a while. | ||
| I mean, I make sure I'm in there. | ||
| I'm getting in there pretty often, and then I do it. | ||
| Make sure you're fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| A while. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And it's like, this is a regular thing. | ||
| Here come the fucks. | ||
| Did I ever tell you about the first time I farted in front of her? | ||
| No. | ||
| This is bold. | ||
| This is bold, man. | ||
| We've been dating for a little while, probably like, I don't know, five, six months or something, and... | ||
| I'm at her place. | ||
| It's a Saturday morning. | ||
| I still remember. | ||
| I'm watching college football, and I think she was making breakfast or something. | ||
| Perfect life. | ||
| It's a great life. | ||
| I'm sitting on her couch. | ||
| Just had sex. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm sitting on her couch wearing boxers, watching TV, and she comes, and she sat next to me, and I felt a fart coming, and I grabbed her arm, and I took her hand, and I put it between my legs, and I farted on her hand for the first fart ever. | ||
| And I just remember her going like, oh my god. | ||
| And she goes, it smells like garbage. | ||
| It smells like garbage. | ||
| She kept saying that and she was like, what the fuck? | ||
| And later, like now she told me, do you realize how crazy that was? | ||
| And I was like, yeah, I didn't realize it at the time. | ||
| If I was who I am now, I would have fucking cut you off right then and there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| She says that like, she's like, clearly I was not in a good place. | ||
| To stay with a guy that farted on my hand. | ||
| But it was funny, right? | ||
| It was really funny, yeah. | ||
| But why would she not? | ||
| I think she was joking in a way, but she was just like, for a first fart to be on someone's hand is pretty... | ||
| But it worked out, though. | ||
| It worked out, yeah. | ||
| Well, you knew she was the one. | ||
| I knew, I knew. | ||
| That was essentially my proposal. | ||
| When did she fart in front of you first? | ||
| Immediately afterwards? | ||
| I actually don't remember her first one, but I'm getting a lot of them now. | ||
| It's made up for it. | ||
| So she's been ripping some pregnancy farts that are fucking powerful, man. | ||
| Does that bum you out? | ||
| No. | ||
| Never? | ||
| Because the thing is, I'm not somebody that's ever been like, ooh, fart. | ||
| It just doesn't have that effect on me. | ||
| Is she the first girl that's ever farted in front of you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| God, no. | ||
| So you just attract that kind of gal. | ||
| I mean, like, I've been with girls that didn't, obviously, but yeah, no. | ||
| If I dated you for a while, you fart. | ||
| It's okay. | ||
| No, when you date girls for a while, how do you know when it's time to unleash the hounds? | ||
| I mean... | ||
| It's different with every time, man. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| You gotta feel it out. | ||
| But it's like... | ||
| I think it's... | ||
| Are you still in the, like, I'm trying to make an impression phase? | ||
| Or have you settled into, like... | ||
| Who you are. | ||
| Who you are, yeah. | ||
| That's hard, right? | ||
| Do you not fart in front of your wife? | ||
| If she accidentally walks in after I farted, I claim it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And does she fart in front of you? | ||
| She has. | ||
| She has. | ||
| More than once. | ||
| But let's say you're laying in bed. | ||
| She won't, like, grab her ankles. | ||
| And you go, here we go! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| I do some really obnoxious shit. | ||
| Really obnoxious, yeah. | ||
| But, like, if you're laying in bed tonight, and you're, whatever, winding down, and you feel a fart come, do you get up and walk out? | ||
| I try to be polite. | ||
| You do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or do you just kind of let it sneak out or something? | ||
| I only fart in front of my friends. | ||
| Like that. | ||
| So what would you do, though? | ||
| Would you leave the room? | ||
| Uh, yeah. | ||
| Most likely. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Or hold it in. | ||
| Wow! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Common courtesy is ridiculous to Tommy Barnes. | ||
| Well, I mean, it's just that... | ||
| Well, most people don't want to smell their husband's farts. | ||
| I know, but I... And plus, if I thought in any way it would keep her from blowing me... | ||
| Yeah, then, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, I guess, yeah, I hear you. | ||
| I'll get it that way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'll hold my farts. | ||
| I'll hold my farts during sex. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| But sometimes post-coital, they come out. | ||
| A friend of mine was a cameraman. | ||
| He was a cameraman on... | ||
| He was a cameraman on a TV show that I was on, but he had also done some camera work on porn when he was starting out to make money. | ||
| And he said there was this one guy, like this big bulky bodybuilder guy, who just would rip the most disgusting farts while he's fucking these girls. | ||
| While he's fucking? | ||
| While he's fucking them. | ||
| Because he just ate a lot of protein. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Those protein farts. | ||
| Unload these farts and these poor girls and they look they have to work yeah cuz like like when you I guess when you're a guy and you're a porn star and he was this big muscular black guy I guess first of all There's this thing where it's not matter of whether or not you're gonna have sex Yeah. | ||
| Like, these girls are getting paid to have sex with you on camera. | ||
| It's not whether or not they're gonna want to do certain sexy things, whether they're gonna like it or not like it. | ||
| That's out the window. | ||
| Now it's, you're gonna come, I'm gonna come in your face. | ||
| You're gonna come in their face. | ||
| I'm gonna put it in your ass. | ||
| Like, we already worked this out. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's in the contract. | ||
| I'm putting it in your ass. | ||
| We're going ass to mouth. | ||
| I'm gonna come in your face. | ||
| You're gonna suck my balls. | ||
| I'm gonna jerk off in your hair. | ||
| Like, it's all worked out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, like... | ||
| And you're gonna smile afterwards, too. | ||
| There's no, like... | ||
| There's, there's, like... | ||
| There's no romance to it. | ||
| There's no speculation. | ||
| Definitely no intimacy. | ||
| Because whatever you're doing, you're doing in front of a gang of people. | ||
| There's a boom mic hanging over the bed. | ||
| There's cameramen. | ||
| There's a craft service table that you've been hitting up. | ||
| And I guess he's like, I don't have to impress anybody. | ||
| I'm just going to fart. | ||
| During sex is my line. | ||
| I've never done that. | ||
| I've never done that, man. | ||
| Some people don't have a problem with that, though. | ||
| I have a friend that also was a camera guy for porns, and not anymore, but he told me, like, he's like, I go, what's, like, the grossest thing? | ||
| And he goes, the grossest thing by far are the smells. | ||
| Because he's like, you know, you're, like, I would come, like, underneath and be, like, kind of positioned under a guy's ass and balls. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And he's slapped, you know, for that underneath shot, and he's like, Just all their smells, I'm just like, just inhaling them. | ||
| And then someone will be like, yeah, get another shot of that. | ||
| And you go back down there. | ||
| Like the worst part is that just smelling stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| Yeah, it's pretty horrendous. | ||
| I wonder what happens if someone has a yeast infection and it just stinks. | ||
| Do they just have to man up? | ||
| I think they probably go until someone's like, I'm going to puke. | ||
| Or the guy's like, it won't get hard if I'm smelling this. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| That's a smell. | ||
| That yeast infection smell is nature's alarm signal. | ||
| It is, yeah. | ||
| Let's talk about, I know, your favorite topic. | ||
| Ohio State, Virginia Tech. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Kicking off. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| College football. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Big game. | ||
| Oh, you're talking because Jamie's here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| He's got a stupid fucking hat on. | ||
| He's like, he's all excited. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There he is. | |
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Don't turn that mic on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You fuck. | |
| Ha ha ha ha ha. | ||
| No, it's just exciting, that's all. | ||
| What's excited about you? | ||
| Me? | ||
| I feel the same way about college football that you do about fights. | ||
| Impossible. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| Doesn't even make sense. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because I get paid to talk about fights. | ||
| I'm a huge guy on ESPN. You've never seen me. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| Would you do that if they offered you that gig? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Would you be good at it? | ||
| I feel like I could do like the roundtable stuff right now. | ||
| I couldn't do like the commentating. | ||
| Could you do like what Dennis Miller used to do where he'd come in, you know, that's like... | ||
| That's horrible. | ||
| That's horrible. | ||
| I hate that role. | ||
| I like a two-man commentating booth for football. | ||
| I like your play by, your color guy comment, you know. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I like that setup of like somebody's telling you what's happening and the, you know, the analyst. | ||
| Once you really get into it and you see a really good analyst, In football, you really appreciate the way they're highlighting things for you. | ||
| It's like what you do when you explain what just happened. | ||
| The layperson just goes like, that guy's good. | ||
| Or like, he fucked him up. | ||
| When you explain how it happens, I love that. | ||
| I think Kirk Herbstreet, who's an Ohio State guy, is the best at it. | ||
| You saw basically a pass thrown and a touchdown score. | ||
| You're like, great pass. | ||
| But he explains that this guy. | ||
| The defensive play. | ||
| How the coverage broke down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| What the quarterback saw. | ||
| How it developed. | ||
| I love that aspect. | ||
| So you love the strategic aspect of setting up the plays. | ||
| And seeing how something works. | ||
| Yeah, I love that. | ||
| And I just love the environment. | ||
| I like college football the most. | ||
| Why do you like college the most? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| I think it's because I like I like the tradition. | ||
| I like the rivalries. | ||
| They feel more genuine. | ||
| They feel like there's genuine hatred between teams. | ||
| We're talking like 100-year-old programs. | ||
| They've had a football team since sometimes 1898 and shit like that. | ||
| It's been there that long. | ||
| There's just a passion about it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I love being around it. | ||
| I love seeing the games. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| You've always been like this? | ||
| Is this something you've always been excited about college football, or is this something you've developed? | ||
| Since I was a kid. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What gets me about college versus pro is that you have to follow all these young students that are playing football, right? | ||
| You have to know who they are. | ||
| You mean like if you're going to be like a super fan of the game? | ||
| Yeah, I mean every year they're turning over, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah, that's true. | ||
| You only have like three years. | ||
| Possibly, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Four years max, and then they're gone, and you have new guys in. | ||
| And I can tell my level of... | ||
| Because sometimes there's certain years, or a certain number of years, where I'll have a more laid-back fandom to it, where I don't really know the details. | ||
| But you know a bunch of people. | ||
| Yeah, I will, but I think this year I've been super busy. | ||
| I didn't pay as much attention, definitely, to recruiting classes and stuff that I've paid attention to before. | ||
| But why college over NFL? You know, I mean... | ||
| The stuff that I talked about, the passion stuff, I feel like it's more genuine. | ||
| There's a real passion for the game. | ||
| Part of it is because probably a lot of those kids are trying to make it to the NFL. Oh, for sure, right? | ||
| Yeah, they're fucking killing themselves to make it. | ||
| Like I said, the rivalries feel more authentically genuine and real. | ||
| Ohio State, Michigan, You know, Florida State, Miami, Georgia, Florida. | ||
| Those kinds of games are just... | ||
| UCLA, now I guess it would be UCLA-USC or USC-Stanford the last few years. | ||
| So you root for your college team that you went to school? | ||
| No, my school is a fucking tiny D2 school. | ||
| There's just programs that you grew up watching that you just kind of gravitate towards. | ||
| This is so alien to me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's so fun to me. | ||
| I don't know what it is, man. | ||
| I just love it. | ||
| I love the... | ||
| I love the environment, you know? | ||
| I love it. | ||
| I hear people talking about the NFL and this Tom Brady thing that people won't stop talking about. | ||
| God, that really fucking got some legs and went and never stopped. | ||
| Now, he's been acquitted. | ||
| Or they just have to drop the charges? | ||
| The federal judge, throughout the suspension, basically decided that the commissioner couldn't punish him in the way that he did. | ||
| In other words, he just ruled that you don't have the right to do that in this case. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| They can do that? | ||
| They just decide that you don't have the right to suspend somebody? | ||
| I'd never seen it really go this far before. | ||
| I'm sure someone's gonna explain it better than I can, but the commissioner said, you know, you're suspended four games and you guys are fined this and that for this, what I'm accusing you of, which is deflating the footballs, right? | ||
| And then he appealed, and then they went back and forth, and then this federal judge was going to rule whether or not the suspension could be upheld or thrown out, and he ruled that it was like that the commissioner didn't have the authority to do that. | ||
| Even though he's suspended a lot of other people before for a lot of other things, and there's never been... | ||
| I've never seen it thrown out like that before. | ||
| Now, how does that work? | ||
| Because they also took away their draft picks, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And fined them a good amount of money, too. | ||
| So do they have to pay that money back? | ||
| That's what I don't know. | ||
| People were like, well, are we going to get our drafts picked back? | ||
| Are we going to get the money back? | ||
| All those things, I think, are still up in the air. | ||
| But didn't that guy destroy his phone? | ||
| He did. | ||
| He did destroy one of his phones, yeah. | ||
| They said that one of the big things is that this doesn't prove that he didn't do anything wrong, or that he didn't do what he's being accused of. | ||
| All that the judgment is saying is that you can't suspend him for these four games. | ||
| Now, what's the benefit of having a softer ball? | ||
| It's a preference thing. | ||
| Every quarterback is different, and the... | ||
| A slightly deflated ball has an easier grip, is what some people argue. | ||
| They don't like it super full because it's really hard, and sometimes it's a harder grip. | ||
| So, a slightly, slightly deflated ball. | ||
| These guys, it's like any sport. | ||
| The basketball guy might like his... | ||
| Fresh pair of sneakers and make sure, you know, you see the guys, they put the power on them. | ||
| It's just like a personal preference thing. | ||
| So some guys like it, that full grip, and some guys like it slightly deflated. | ||
| What a massive distraction for people, though. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| How many people over the last year have been talking about deflated football? | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| I've never heard a single thing since corked bats. | ||
| Remember the corked bats controversy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh yeah, sure. | ||
| Guys would drill holes in their bat and put cork in the center of their bat because apparently it gives more spring to the ball and you would get more distance out of home runs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the last time I remember something being like, I don't remember who it was, but there was some famous player who broke a bat and then the bat had cork in it. | ||
| Yeah, I remember. | ||
| And everybody was like, outrageous. | ||
| Outrageous, yeah. | ||
| What have you done? | ||
| Part of it, obviously, is because he's Tom Brady, so it's like going back to the Lance thing. | ||
| Everyone's watching him. | ||
| They just won the Super Bowl. | ||
| He's the guy. | ||
| He's handsome. | ||
| He's got this beautiful supermodel. | ||
| Do you know how much money his fucking wife has made? | ||
| I've read... | ||
| A lot of different stats, but apparently it's nothing short of $250 million. | ||
| $400 million. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He apparently has made $150 million, and she has made $400 million. | ||
| For modeling. | ||
| From looking pretty. | ||
| Yeah, for being... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I mean, I don't have any idea what she sounds like when she talks. | ||
| She's kind of a deeper... | ||
| She's like a guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She has that Portuguese accent. | |
| Wow. | ||
| But I mean, stop and think about that. | ||
| You can make that much money as a supermodel? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's more money than Bo Jackson ever made his entire career. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's really crazy. | ||
| 400 million bucks. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| And he's a fucking one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time, right? | ||
| Yeah, without a doubt. | ||
| Without a doubt. | ||
| He can't even come close to that. | ||
| It's not even... | ||
| If that's the real figure, it's not even close. | ||
| Quarterbacks, man, that's a tough gig. | ||
| Because those dudes are all running at you, trying to smash you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They say Peyton Manning can't feel his fingers? | ||
| Yeah, I can't feel his fingertips, and he's been told a lot of times that... | ||
| He's never coming back. | ||
| Yeah, and he had that neck injury where they were like, you're never coming back, and that's how much he loves playing, that he, you know, fought through it. | ||
| What did they do for his neck? | ||
| They did that Regenicane shit, that shit I had done on my neck. | ||
| He had a crazy surgery done, and then... | ||
| Surgery? | ||
| Yeah, he had surgery, for sure. | ||
| So they probably trimmed back the disc? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| You know what they're doing now, man? | ||
| They're giving people stem cell shots? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, dude, I got one in my shoulder. | ||
| Did you do that thing, by the way, when your kids were born? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You did that, right? | ||
| Yeah, you banked the ambiotic. | ||
| But apparently there's a better way to do that now. | ||
| I think they use placenta now for that, too. | ||
| They used to use the cord, but now I believe they use placenta. | ||
| They gave us a whole kit that we're supposed to bring. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Look into it, because I think there's another more effective way. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The stem cells, though, that they get from the placenta, it's really fascinating stuff, man. | ||
| They're taking these, I guess it's amniotic, I guess that's the word, and they take these stem cells from placenta, and they're shooting them into athletes. | ||
| And it's amazing. | ||
| It comes out of this tube where it's liquid nitrogens in it, so smoke's coming out of it because it's frozen before they inject it in you. | ||
| It's really freaky. | ||
| Like, this is some space-age shit. | ||
| One shot, and they shoot it in you. | ||
| Within a week within a week my shoulder felt amazing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, now I'm five weeks in I keep waiting for it to hurt like I'm doing all this working out I'm doing rows and chin-ups and I'm keep waiting for it to fuck with me and it hasn't been fucked with me at all. | ||
| Everything else good? | ||
| Back, knees, all that stuff? | ||
| Yeah, everything's good man. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| I'm gonna start shooting that stem cell shit everywhere. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anything, anytime anything's wrong, shoot it in there. | ||
| Let's fucking see what's up. | ||
| They're going to have, within a few years, they're going to have these places where you're going to be able to go and they're going to put young blood in your body. | ||
| This is going to happen. | ||
| This is the next thing. | ||
| Because they've done all these studies that have shown with mice that when they take young blood, like the mice... | ||
| The blood of young mice and they put in the blood of old mice. | ||
| The mice, their memory improves, their athleticism improves, their body starts moving like a young mouse. | ||
| And then when they take the blood of old mice and they put it in young mice, the young mice become old and tired. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's fucking freaky. | ||
| It's kind of amazing. | ||
| Someone's got to be doing that right now, right? | ||
| Dude, in China? | ||
| Guaranteed. | ||
| They probably have a bunch of fucking prisoners hooked up to machines, and they're sucking blood out of them like the Matrix. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and just pumping them right into their athletes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're doing these things called myostatin inhibitors. | ||
| Myostatin is what regulates your muscle size. | ||
| And they're doing that on Chinese athletes, allegedly. | ||
| China doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| They go crazy. | ||
| When you have a billion people, there's plenty of people, bro. | ||
| That's our number one resource is humans. | ||
| Let's experiment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See how lucrative we can get. | |
| Get lucrative right now. | ||
| I gotta go pee. | ||
| Go pee. | ||
| We'll wrap this up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| We've already done three hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| You're a fucking animal. | ||
| Tommy Bunz, when's your Netflix special? | ||
| You just recorded one. | ||
| When is it airing? | ||
| It's coming out in January. | ||
| It's coming out in January? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then the last one, which is hilarious... | ||
| Completely normal. | ||
| It's on Netflix now. | ||
| It's on Netflix right now. | ||
| Go take a peek, you fella. | ||
| You can see Tommy Bunn's podcast. | ||
| It's called Your Mom's House with his lovely and talented wife, Christina Pazitsky. | ||
| You can catch Tommy on Twitter. | ||
| It's Tom Segura. | ||
| Or on Instagram, it's Segura Tom. | ||
| Because I guess there's some other Segura. | ||
| Tom Segura character out there. | ||
| And he's fucking awesome. | ||
| If he's coming to your town, go see him. | ||
| Check out his website, all that jazz. | ||
| All that stuff's available on his Instagram and his Facebook and his Twitter. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Alright, you fucks. | ||
| We'll be back tomorrow. | ||
| So tomorrow, I'll see you then. | ||
| Until then, be nice to each other, you fucking savages. |
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