July 29, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:41:32
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Fresh back from her lion hunting safari in Africa. | ||
| Esther Koo, you're here. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| This is a lion mania today, Esther. | ||
| Are you paying attention to this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't. | |
| No, what happened with lions today? | ||
| But some dude killed a loved lion that had a GPS collar. | ||
| They lured it away from this protected area where it was living and he killed it. | ||
| And they tried to hide the fact that he killed it. | ||
| He's a dentist in Minnesota? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a sad story. | ||
| Tried to destroy the tracking device. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Why did he try to destroy the tracking device? | ||
| Because he didn't want people to know that he killed this lion that was a protected lion. | ||
| Apparently they lured it away from the protected area with meat. | ||
| They dragged meat behind a car to put the scent so that this thing would follow the scent and smell it. | ||
| Did he use the GPS tracking device to find the lion? | ||
| No, they found it, allegedly, according to them. | ||
| They found out that it had a tracking device after they killed it. | ||
| So they didn't know that it was a protected lion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| What was he gonna do with the lion? | ||
| He's gonna put it in his office. | ||
| Just for the Instagram picture. | ||
| That's why a lot of people are pissed off because it's like this beloved lion, but yet they're only doing it for like the photo, you know? | ||
| Well, he's got a trophy room, I think, because he's killed everything. | ||
| This guy's killed fucking everything. | ||
| I think Jimmy Kimmel said he killed half of Noah's Ark. | ||
| Like, literally, it's fucked up. | ||
| Jimmy Kimmel started crying when he's talking about Lost Night on TV. And I think it was legit. | ||
| I know it was legit. | ||
| He's not a bullshit artist. | ||
| But, yeah, this guy's one of those trophy hunters that just wants to have these stuffed animals in a room. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You know, we talked about Big Cat Derek the other day, and he had contacted. | ||
| He wants to come out and fly out and be on the show. | ||
| Okay, yeah, I'll definitely have him on. | ||
| You know what we should do? | ||
| He's one of those guys we should go visit him. | ||
| Yeah, in Texas. | ||
| We should go to Texas. | ||
| So where was his line killing? | ||
| It was in Africa, somewhere in Africa, which is a fucking huge place. | ||
| Somewhere in Africa is like saying, somewhere on Earth. | ||
| I think it was in Zimbabwe. | ||
| Zimbabwe, yeah. | ||
| I want to know the two guys that dragged it out knew that this was a beloved line, obviously, if it was such a superhero in that area. | ||
| It seems almost like a setup. | ||
| I don't know how much of a superhero a lion is to the people that live there. | ||
| To the people that live there, that's a fucking lion. | ||
| I think a lot of the people that are conservationists and people that are tourists and are visiting, that's a beloved lion. | ||
| That beloved lion will kill you, just like any regular lion. | ||
| It's not the Lion King. | ||
| People are probably more mad at him than the woman who killed the giraffe. | ||
| Ah, yeah, definitely. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Because there's no giraffe king. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Like, you know, in that moment with Simba. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think we love lions a lot more than giraffes, don't you think? | ||
| We love a lot of animals based on cartoons. | ||
| We really do. | ||
| And cats. | ||
| We need a giraffe cartoon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, Toys R Us. | ||
| They kind of have a giraffe. | ||
| But it's just a commercial. | ||
| Yeah, we need like a real cartoon, like a half hour. | ||
| Have you ever seen the video of two giraffes fighting? | ||
| They like fight to the death. | ||
| Two male giraffes over breeding. | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| With their legs? | ||
| No! | ||
| Their necks? | ||
| They use their necks. | ||
| They use their head like a whip. | ||
| And they swing their neck into each other. | ||
| It is fucking crazy. | ||
| And then they pull like tug of war? | ||
| No, they just slam their neck into each other's ass. | ||
| They slam their neck into each other's body. | ||
| You know they have those, like, nubs? | ||
| Like, here it is. | ||
| Watch these dudes. | ||
| Watch these dudes go to war. | ||
| Oh, we can see it on this one in front of us here. | ||
| Watch these dudes go to war. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| They slap their bodies into each other. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Come on. | ||
| How crazy is that? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| They, like, whip... | ||
| They should put a wig on them. | ||
| Why would they put a wig on them? | ||
| So it'll look cool, like hair flailing everywhere. | ||
| Or a wet wig. | ||
| They're like the wet water. | ||
| A mop head. | ||
| It's just, what a crazy way to do battle. | ||
| Don't they know they have legs? | ||
| It's like sword fighting, kind of, though. | ||
| It's kind of cool. | ||
| It's like violent yoga. | ||
| If you were like a giraffe and you were smart, and you're like, okay, I see what these guys are doing, I'm gonna just kick his legs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kick him right in the fucking head. | ||
| Oh yeah, leg sweep it. | ||
| Just sweep the leg right there. | ||
| Yeah, that seems like it would give you a massive headache. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, they had one of them walk away. | ||
| These two guys, they went to war about it, and they walked away, and his whole body was fucked up. | ||
| Like, he had just massive open sores all over his legs, and his open wounds all over his legs and body. | ||
| Because of those horns they have. | ||
| They're antlers. | ||
| They're slamming their antlers into each other's bodies. | ||
| Bizarre. | ||
| So why did they get in a fight? | ||
| What do you think precipitated that fight? | ||
| Sex. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100%. | |
| They fight over breeding rights. | ||
| This is pre-sex? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| They fight to make sure that they can breed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| You know, they fight like all... | ||
| A giraffe, essentially, is like a type of deer. | ||
| It's like an antelope or that kind of hooved animal. | ||
| And all those animals, they have real similar behavior. | ||
| And they have similar behavior where they grow... | ||
| The largest ones with the biggest antlers are the ones that get to breed. | ||
| And they clash heads to make sure that they're the bigger ones. | ||
| And that's why they have these big, impressive antlers. | ||
| That's to let the females know. | ||
| Like, oh, look at this motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jeez. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The male giraffes get dark when giraffes, when they start dominating. | ||
| The dominant male, like, you can see them. | ||
| They stand out. | ||
| They're actually darker than the other ones. | ||
| Now you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| But yeah, you came here on Lion Day. | ||
| My Twitter feed has never exploded like this over an animal. | ||
| It's very interesting. | ||
| Yeah, it's all over Facebook. | ||
| I've been scared. | ||
| All my Facebook peeps are scared about the 100 days, 100 nights thing, about the gang violence. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| No one really knows 100% for sure, but it's like the LA Times has it. | ||
| Everyone's talking about it, and supposedly somebody died in a popular gang, and supposedly two rival gangs decided to have a competition who can kill the most people in 100 days here in LA. And so it's called like a hashtag 100 days 100 nights and a lot of people are calling bullshit on it, but who knows, you know? | ||
| It's the idea that we have so many people that are in gangs and so many people I mean you ever talk to one of those LA gang task force guys about how many gang members are in LA every day follows me There's a lot of fucking gangs, and there's a lot of gang members, a lot of disenfranchised young people that have nowhere to go, criminal backgrounds, fucked, can't get a job, can't vote, can't join the military. | ||
| It's everywhere. | ||
| I think a gangbanger joined my high school, like mid-high school. | ||
| Where'd you go to school? | ||
| East Lydon High School. | ||
| Where's that? | ||
| It's in Chicago. | ||
| Oh, you're from Chicago? | ||
| Yeah, I'm from Chicago. | ||
| Sup, Ohio? | ||
| Where'd you start doing stand-up? | ||
| Um, Boston. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Where in Boston? | ||
| The comedy studio in Harvard Square. | ||
| Oh, I didn't even know about that place. | ||
| Where's that place? | ||
| Really? | ||
| You've never been there? | ||
| No, never heard of it. | ||
| Oh my god, I know! | ||
| Wait a minute, is that the place above the Chinese restaurant? | ||
| Yeah, above the Hong Kong. | ||
| Yeah, I have been there. | ||
| Yeah, I was there once. | ||
| Yeah, that's where my first show was. | ||
| Guy got mad at me there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What happened? | |
| Some old guy got mad at me for something I was talking about. | ||
| I forget what it was about. | ||
| Did you guys get in a fight? | ||
| Nobody got mad at me. | ||
| Like, after the show? | ||
| You got mad at my subject matter. | ||
| The audience was laughing hard, though. | ||
| It was fucked. | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| It was like this one guy just decided that it wasn't funny. | ||
| It just hit him the wrong way. | ||
| It was just too personal for him, maybe. | ||
| Yeah, I wish I could remember what it was, but I was just laughing. | ||
| Like, you really think I'm serious? | ||
| Like, I forget what it was. | ||
| Might have been. | ||
| Eh, I'm not sure. | ||
| I'd be guessing. | ||
| Was he bigger than you? | ||
| No, he was not bigger than me. | ||
| He wanted to start a fight. | ||
| I don't think he wanted to start a fight. | ||
| I think he just wanted to express his disgust. | ||
| He wanted to, like, put a suggestion in your suggestion box to your face. | ||
| It was really dumb because it was like, like, if you were at a show and everybody else is enjoying it, it was all this laughter and all this fun going on, then you're like, no, you shouldn't be enjoying this. | ||
| Because I don't like it. | ||
| Like, that's stupid. | ||
| Just leave, you know? | ||
| I've had people tell me that. | ||
| Like, you know, I would enjoy your act so much more if you didn't use so many curse words. | ||
| Or, like, if you didn't talk about, like, sex, you know, the whole time. | ||
| And I'm just like, what do you want me to talk about? | ||
| Like, that's just what I'm passionate about sometimes, you know? | ||
| You're passionate about sex. | ||
| That's beautiful, Esther. | ||
| I am passionate about sex. | ||
| It's just ridiculous. | ||
| Isn't everybody passionate about sex? | ||
| No, there's a lot of people. | ||
| They're not alive. | ||
| They would like to pretend that sex doesn't exist because nobody wants to touch them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's a little bit of that going on. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a lot of that going on. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| But most people are passionate about sex, no? | ||
| There's a lot. | ||
| But there's some people that don't like you to talk about it. | ||
| And that's like New England, like that Boston area. | ||
| That's a big thing down there. | ||
| That's a very button-down town. | ||
| Very conservative in a lot of ways. | ||
| Everybody wears khakis and blue-collar shirts from J.Crew, you know? | ||
| That's like the Boston uniform. | ||
| There's a lot of that going on. | ||
| It's in a lot of ways. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a liberal town, a Democrat town. | |
| Which is why it's a good town to start comedy in, because they're so tight. | ||
| You make them laugh, and then you go somewhere and they're like, oh, this is so easy. | ||
| Those Boston people are so hard. | ||
| Some of them are tight and uptight, and the other ones are mean and drunk. | ||
| So you've got two good groups to pull from. | ||
| The drunk Irish people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's a good spot at the start. | ||
| That Cambridge place was known to be a good little spot. | ||
| That's Rick Jenkins' spot, right? | ||
| Yeah, you know, I feel like he could have a big comedy club. | ||
| He always prided himself in not advertising. | ||
| He's like, we don't advertise, and look, there's still 20 people here on a Saturday night. | ||
| And I'm like, you should advertise! | ||
| You can make so much money if you grew the club because, yeah, it's been there for a while. | ||
| People have very strange ways of looking at things, and they just decide that this is the way, oh, look, I've always done it this way. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Not advertising at a comedy club seems pretty silly. | ||
| Pretty silly, like... | ||
| How the fuck is people supposed to know? | ||
| Yeah, who's here this week? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| You know, like, why would anyone go there? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, that doesn't make any sense, but... | ||
| So... | ||
| How many people were out of there? | ||
| There was this one gay dude that was there that was really fucking funny, like, really flamboyantly gay dude. | ||
| He was hilarious. | ||
| I forget his name. | ||
| I want to say he's Iranian. | ||
| Did they call him Persians? | ||
| Is that Tripoli? | ||
| No. | ||
| He's not Iranian. | ||
| He's Armenian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Um... | |
| Forget his name. | ||
| Okay, dude. | ||
| Followed him on Twitter for a while. | ||
| Lost track of him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Saw him years back, though. | ||
| He was very funny. | ||
| From the comedy studio? | ||
| Yeah, from that spot. | ||
| Yeah, a lot of people came out of there. | ||
| Is there... | ||
| But there's not that much besides there, right? | ||
| I mean, what other places... | ||
| There's Nick's Comedy Stop? | ||
| They still have open mic nights there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You don't know? | ||
| You never go there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I haven't been there in a while. | ||
| When did you start doing stand-up? | ||
| Like, um... | ||
| 10... | ||
| 10 years ago? | ||
| Like 10, 11 years ago. | ||
| Yeah, but I had a full-time job when I started. | ||
| What were you doing? | ||
| I was a sales rep. | ||
| I was slinging pens. | ||
| Pens? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like the kind of pen you're holding? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why you're automatically holding this pen. | ||
| You're displaying it. | ||
| She has all the tricks. | ||
| Let me see your moves. | ||
| Oh, well, it's not really that hard to do. | ||
| Well, you do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| You're just going back and forth? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'm pretty sure I could do that. | ||
| Can I get a pen? | ||
| Okay, let me see what you're doing here. | ||
| Like this here? | ||
| That's it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That doesn't seem that hard. | ||
| Am I doing it? | ||
| No, you have to get, like, the right balance. | ||
| This is amazing for people at home. | ||
| This is what everybody, like, in libraries do in college. | ||
| Look at the drumstick. | ||
| Twirling the drumstick. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| It looks cooler now. | ||
| No, you're doing it wrong. | ||
| You have to do it between your thumb and your index finger. | ||
| Between your thumb and your index finger? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Put the bottom of the pen here. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Like, in that little pocket. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Wait, you have to place it here. | ||
| I think my fingers are too fat. | ||
| Oh, there? | ||
| You have to put this here. | ||
| This is so boring for people listening. | ||
| They're twirling a fucking pen. | ||
| Who is this girl? | ||
| So what did you do? | ||
| You slung pens? | ||
| You used to go door to door to offices and stuff? | ||
| No, that's not how pens are sold these days. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But everybody says door to door. | ||
| That's what everybody says? | ||
| Yeah, it went from encyclopedias to knives to pens. | ||
| Vacuum cleaners. | ||
| Have you ever bought a pen? | ||
| Yes, I have bought pens. | ||
| Okay, did somebody knock on your door and say, would you like to buy a pen, sir, today? | ||
| No, but I don't live in Ohio. | ||
| True, it was huge in Ohio. | ||
| So how did you buy your pens? | ||
| I go to the store. | ||
| Which store? | ||
| Various stores. | ||
| I'm not loyal to one pen store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly! | |
| They sell pens everywhere. | ||
| So that's what you'd do? | ||
| You'd show up at like Office Depot or something like that and go, yeah, what's up? | ||
| And fix the pen display, give them samples of like the new Sharpies, you know. | ||
| Here's the newest technology. | ||
| Throw pizza parties for them if they sold the most pens that week out of like our competitors' pens. | ||
| So you had like a truck that you used to drive around in, filled with pens? | ||
| I had a Volkswagen Beetle that had like Sharpie written all over it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like a neon car. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then they got me a Trailblazer, but it was a two-wheel drive, and I was living in Boston, driving a real-wheel drive fucking Trailblazer. | ||
| When it snows. | ||
| They wanted to get rid of me because I didn't want to get promoted because I wanted to just keep doing comedy. | ||
| I had a free car and I was driving around New England, New Hampshire, everywhere doing shows. | ||
| So you got to do your gigs with that car? | ||
| Yeah, I got to drive comedians to shows and I had a gas card so I didn't need to pay for gas. | ||
| Oh shit, what a great deal for a comic. | ||
| What an amazing day job for a comedian. | ||
| That's perfect. | ||
| More than perfect. | ||
| So did you do like the whole New England circuit? | ||
| And I would give pens to everybody, yeah. | ||
| Did you give pens to people at shows? | ||
| I would give pens to comedians. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Hey, write your jokes down, bitch. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Write some new material. | ||
| So you did all the New England circuit? | ||
| I did. | ||
| All those little Route 99? | ||
| Yeah, I went to Albany. | ||
| Route 1 in Saugus, do Giggles. | ||
| Concord, New Hampshire. | ||
| Yeah, the one in just everywhere, all of those. | ||
| So you kind of cut your teeth doing the Boston Road scene. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a good scene. | ||
| If it still exists, I don't know what it's like now. | ||
| It does exist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does it? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Tony V still lives there. | ||
| He does still live there. | ||
| He still makes a living doing that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just saw him on a TV show. | ||
| Tony V's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's such a good dude, too. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| He gave me the best piece of advice anybody ever gave me about driving. | ||
| He was driving back and forth from Boston to New York. | ||
| And I said, how do you do it without going crazy? | ||
| And he said, when I sit in the car, I just go zen. | ||
| in and I say this is what I'm doing this is what I'm doing I'm driving now I don't freak out I don't say god I wish I wasn't driving how many more hours is there to go I just say this is what I'm doing and that's what I do now when I drive I just say this is what I'm doing I'm driving listen to music yeah or mostly mostly like books on tape or um maybe podcasts when I'm driving I love to listen to music I have to listen to music have to I don't have to. | ||
| I'll listen to talk shows and stuff, but it's just so powerful to drive while blasting music. | ||
| I just have a party in my car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm driving by myself, and I'm like, born in the USA! Is that what you're singing? | |
| Well, I mean, whatever song... | ||
| Jesus Christ, why'd you pick that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think of you for more of a Katy Perry girl. | |
| California girls are undeniable. | ||
| I do love Katy Perry. | ||
| That song was brutal. | ||
| I would like to introduce you to a bunch of California girls that are gross. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That are monsters. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| All these California girls are getting the Beach Boys song, too. | ||
| They get all this free publicity. | ||
| I wish they all could be California. | ||
| There's no song about Illinois girls. | ||
| There should be, right? | ||
| Illinois girls are solid. | ||
| Texas girls, those are some solid girls. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Georgia? | ||
| Georgia? | ||
| I think. | ||
| Texas? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How about Florida? | ||
| No. | ||
| If you want to get crazy though. | ||
| No, those are the worst. | ||
| Stripper land. | ||
| If you want to buy pills. | ||
| No, all of them are cookheads. | ||
| All of the Florida girls? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It seems like that's probably the state, between Florida and Arizona, it's the state where you can guarantee if you go out you're going to run into people coked up. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Those are these two spots. | ||
| I find coke, yeah. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| That did happen to me at a show in Florida once. | ||
| Somebody offered you coke? | ||
| These girls, they were all like, you know, dressed like they're going to the club or something. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And after a show, it was a comedy show in a barber shop in Wynwood. | ||
| And after the show, these girls came up to me and they're like, you're so funny! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're so funny! | |
| You know? | ||
| And they're like, come, come, come! | ||
| And they like brought me to the bathroom and they pull out a key with coke on it. | ||
| And they were like, handing it to me to be nice, I guess. | ||
| Like, let her have the first sniff. | ||
| And I was like, no, I don't... | ||
| I'm like, I don't do that. | ||
| Then they hate you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Then they turn on you. | ||
| Did they? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| What, are you too good for us? | ||
| You too good for Coke? | ||
| Wait, why would you turn down Coke? | ||
| Well, because I don't think coke is fun. | ||
| You don't? | ||
| No. | ||
| So you've done coke before. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you were too addicted to it. | ||
| It just makes you twitch and not stop talking. | ||
| And I just start freaking out like I'm on too much coffee, you know? | ||
| I never did it, but I did drink the tea. | ||
| I drank this tea called Mate de Coco. | ||
| It's made out of cocoa leaves. | ||
| And I couldn't shut the fuck up. | ||
| I did it with Stanhope. | ||
| And I remember I kept telling him, dude, I can't shut the fuck up. | ||
| This is driving me crazy. | ||
| And you're aware of it. | ||
| Yeah, it's terrible. | ||
| It's the worst drug for me. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| Because the words are escaping. | ||
| It makes you stay up so late. | ||
| That it does. | ||
| The whole next two days are just wasted. | ||
| You can't be productive with anything. | ||
| Yeah, I have a friend who just did ecstasy, and he said the same thing. | ||
| He said after it was over, like, the next day he felt so shitty. | ||
| He's like, he couldn't do anything. | ||
| There's a way to do ecstasy, right? | ||
| Like, new mood. | ||
| Take a shitload of new mood before you go to bed. | ||
| Just, like, vitamin C. That's one of those things where you can do it correctly, and I've had it where I've woken up and had zero hangovers the next day. | ||
| He's really fit, though, and I wonder if the difference between a guy that is always working out, eating healthy, drinks a lot of water, takes care of his body, when he really feels like a shitty day, whereas you booze it up all the time, you're smoking all the time. | ||
| Well, you're not smoking anymore, right? | ||
| You're still off? | ||
| I kind of fucked up in Toronto, so... | ||
| Are you back on now? | ||
| I'm just having a few a day now, type thing. | ||
| Smoking cigarettes? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you ever tried to be hypnotized? | |
| No, that doesn't work on me. | ||
| No, it will work, dude. | ||
| You just gotta get a real person. | ||
| People that say to read that book, no, I hate reading books so much that the whole time I'm gonna be like, fuck this book and everything it stands for. | ||
| Books are awesome. | ||
| It's just wasting my time. | ||
| I look at a book and I'm thinking a million things, other things. | ||
| That's like when you say you're in the car playing music, I'll drive and sometimes realize I'm not even listening to anything because I have a million things I'm thinking about. | ||
| I'm multitasking all over the place. | ||
| So you can't read a book because you can't concentrate enough to read a book? | ||
| I mean, I can read a book and make myself concentrate to read a book. | ||
| You never sit down and read a book. | ||
| You never, like, read fiction. | ||
| Not since the internet was made, because I read the internet so much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your eyes are going to deteriorate in, like, ten years. | |
| You have to, like, give your eyes a break. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| I read a Stephen King book every day. | ||
| We're going to be doing a benefit for him in ten years. | ||
| Like, please help save Brian Redman's eyes. | ||
| You know, the surgery costs. | ||
| Well, they're really close to some artificial lens. | ||
| Did you see that thing they had on the internet recently? | ||
| They're creating some artificial lens for the human eye that's way better than any vision that you'll ever have. | ||
| I thought they already had that. | ||
| Didn't they have their first implant? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But there's some new one that they've developed, some artificial lens. | ||
| See if you can find it. | ||
| But there was some talk about it. | ||
| Like a contact lens? | ||
| No, it's going to be like something they insert into your eyes. | ||
| In your eye. | ||
| Yeah, they're going to do surgery on you. | ||
| What do you think about people who want to put chips in kids to prevent kidnappings? | ||
| Or to be able to find your kid? | ||
| It sounds like a great idea if that's what it does, if it prevents kidnapping and so you could find your kid. | ||
| The problem comes when people use it for other reasons, like to know where your kids are, because I don't like you, or to know where your kid is when they become an adult, and maybe someone doesn't like their opinion on something, or maybe they're about to expose some business corruption or government corruption, but people know where they are at all times. | ||
| That seems fucked up. | ||
| It just seems fucked up because we can't quite track everything that everybody does. | ||
| I think eventually we'll be able to track everything everybody does all the time. | ||
| There's this Radiolab show called Eye in the Sky. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| The implant. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| It says, uh, BC optometrist sees way for a bionic lens implant. | ||
| Imagine seeing three times better than 20-20 vision, even at the age of 100 or more. | ||
| Yeah, so that's what they're... | ||
| Wow, that's amazing. | ||
| That's the future. | ||
| So this Radiolab podcast called The Eye in the Sky is, I think that's the name of the episode, and it's all about these... | ||
| This technology they developed that they put on planes, and they fly these planes overhead, and they take detailed images of everything on the ground. | ||
| So they do it like click, click, click, like it's constantly, as it's flying, taking millions and millions of photos. | ||
| So, if something happens, what they can do is find out where it happened, when it happened, then go to the eye in the sky footage, they go to that section of the footage, they go, okay, let's take it to 3.30 today, yup, there's the car, there's the guy who gets out of the car, there's the guy getting The guy gets back in the car and drives off. | ||
| Let's find out where the car goes. | ||
| And they just follow the car. | ||
| So they have all the images of everything that's happening. | ||
| And they're going to use this in places like Iraq. | ||
| And they're going to try to use this in places like Detroit and places where there's a lot of crime and a lot of violence. | ||
| But, you know, people are resisting it, obviously, because they're going to catch people doing all kinds of stuff. | ||
| They're going to catch people cheating on their wives and their husbands. | ||
| They're going to catch people stealing from work. | ||
| They're going to catch people... | ||
| Not going to work. | ||
| Yeah, fill in the blank. | ||
| You say you're here, but you're there. | ||
| Someone's going to have access to it. | ||
| You said you couldn't work because of this, but we have footage of you at home. | ||
| It just gets weird. | ||
| It gets weird when someone can just find where you are all the time. | ||
| But it kind of seems like that's where it's going. | ||
| It's already there. | ||
| Yeah, pretty close. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, my problem with putting chips in kids is that it'll prevent predators from kidnapping kids, but what if he finds where the chip is and then scrapes it out? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He could hurt the child if it's implanted in their skin. | ||
| That's true, but I don't think you're gonna save that kid by not having it in their skin when he's just gonna fuck the kid and kill him or whatever the hell he's gonna do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I see what you're saying, like someone would want to cut it out, but... | ||
| If they could find it. | ||
| The kind of person who would cut an implant out of a kid is not planning on doing... | ||
| Well, other than that, my intentions are completely altruistic. | ||
| I fucking hate chips. | ||
| I just have to cut the chip out of this kid. | ||
| You're dealing with... | ||
| It's a weird privacy issue that I think eventually is going to get to the point where it's going to be a moot point. | ||
| Because there's going to be so much access to where everybody is all the time. | ||
| It's gonna be pointless. | ||
| Well, like, these cameras are just getting more and more HD that, like, you'll be able to, like, just take out your phone, take a picture, and, like, you're in line at Starbucks or whatever, and somebody pulls out their credit card to pay, you'll be able to take a picture and then just know that person's whole credit card number. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Oh, yeah, definitely. | ||
| Like, you're gonna be able to zoom in so much. | ||
| Like, this thing is gonna get more and more... | ||
| The spreading of the fingers to make things bigger? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They used that eye in the sky thing in Juarez to catch this man who had killed this female police officer. | ||
| They shot this female police officer or mayor or something like that. | ||
| Some female person in charge. | ||
| and When they shot her they followed the car back to this house And then they backed up and they were able to follow all these other cars back to the house too and it turns out this is house that was filled with Drug cartel members and they were hitmen and they would just you know run around doing murders and robbing people And they were all holed up in this one house like a fucking movie and And so they just stormed the house and arrested everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holy shit. | |
| So they're trying to use it as like one of those things where they're saying that this is eventually going to be something that comes in very handy and it's going to be everywhere. | ||
| How does that eye in the sky deal with clouds? | ||
| Like if it's like in Ohio, it could be cloudy for a week. | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| They probably fly under the crowds if possible. | ||
| If not, there's probably nothing they can do. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So if you're going to want to be a nefarious criminal, live in Ohio in the winter. | ||
| Wait for a cloudy day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a good point. | ||
| You could just put those chips, you know, in the kids, put them on their dick, so if a kidnapper takes the baby, they're not going to ruin the best part of the baby, you know, and they're not going to cut the dick out. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Put it in the dick hole. | ||
| Best part of the baby, like it's an artichoke. | ||
| Like it's artichoke hearts. | ||
| They're not going to fuck up the goods, right? | ||
| Did you think about that before you said it? | ||
| Did you go, this is the good thing to say right now. | ||
| This is perfect. | ||
| This is going to be awesome. | ||
| Everyone's going to enjoy this show. | ||
| Everybody thinks like me. | ||
| This is perfect. | ||
| We talked briefly last night about that alien, that CIA agent. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The cat. | ||
| It's a hilarious story. | ||
| It's a really interesting... | ||
| And if you listen to the interview of the... | ||
| Supposedly, this guy died. | ||
| They found him in an SUV in the Pacific Palisades. | ||
| And he had been there, I guess, for four days. | ||
| And what happened is his girlfriend knew that he died. | ||
| And thought he was a hybrid of an alien and a CIA agent. | ||
| So he thought, she thought, she better leave the body. | ||
| The government knows he's dead. | ||
| They'll take care of the body because he's not supposed to exist type thing. | ||
| So went up to Washington and they The cops found the body. | ||
| He's been there forever. | ||
| They go into his house. | ||
| He has millions of dollars worth of guns. | ||
| And then he also has large amounts of cash everywhere. | ||
| Millions? | ||
| That's what they're saying. | ||
| 1,200 guns is not millions of dollars. | ||
| They said last night on the news that it was a collection worth of millions of dollars. | ||
| It could be over a million if each gun is worth a thousand bucks, right? | ||
| Well, I guess some of them are just really like antiques, like collectors and stuff like that. | ||
| It's like a huge collection. | ||
| So it doesn't look like he's like was... | ||
| Broke. | ||
| Broke, right. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| And $230,000 in cash, 14 vehicles stashed around Los Angeles. | ||
| 14 vehicles registered to him, including an SUV designed to drive underwater. | ||
| Maybe that should be a red flag. | ||
| He's a nut. | ||
| And the SUV to drive under the water is something that this ABC7 is just blowing up a portion. | ||
| That's actually a common thing that you put on the bottom of SUVs so when you run over puddles it doesn't flood out the engine. | ||
| Well, sort of. | ||
| You don't put it on the bottom. | ||
| It's a snorkel. | ||
| It goes out the front fender. | ||
| It's real common for off-road vehicles, like Land Rovers, like Defenders, those Land Rover Defenders. | ||
| So that thing with the big pipe tube that comes off the side of the car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You see them in Jeeps sometimes. | ||
| Toyota Land Cruisers, a lot of times they hook those up with them. | ||
| People just like it. | ||
| They like the fact they could just say, I could drive underwater, bitch. | ||
| Play this video. | ||
| I want to hear this, Jamie. | ||
| 1,200 guns. | ||
| That seems a little excessive. | ||
| Commercial. | ||
| But what's weird is that they haven't really released a picture of him or any news, and he's had prior convictions where he's gotten off where you can only get off if you were somebody that works high up. | ||
| Well, you mean arrests, not convictions. | ||
| Arrests, yeah. | ||
| He had a gun, I believe, at LAX or something. | ||
| There's a lot of message boards that are really digging into this guy and finding all this interesting stuff. | ||
| Whose names did he register all these guns under? | ||
| That's what it looks like. | ||
| It was all somehow done. | ||
| Here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That guy sounds like his nose is clogged up. | |
| That guy was doing blow all night for sure. | ||
| That's very nasal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's drinking scotch. | |
| That guy's drinking scotch. | ||
| Nice house. | ||
| Really nice house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, she worked for the fiancee, and now there are wild stories that the man was a secret government agent and possibly part alien from outer space. | |
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Not Mexican? | ||
|
unidentified
|
So he's really... | |
| Look at all those guns! | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| I first thought she was crazy. | ||
| Sounded crazy to me. | ||
| Catherine Nebron claims Lash actually died two weeks earlier on July 4th in a parking lot in Santa Monica. | ||
| Nebron says she and the missing Oxnard woman, Don Vatbunker, tried to save his life. | ||
| They worked for about three hours trying to keep him alive. | ||
| He refused 911. He didn't want to go to an emergency room. | ||
| He didn't want any police, so he died there. | ||
| Nebron says she then took him back to his home and left him there. | ||
| She believed that he was involved in some, you know, surreptitious activities, governmental projects, whatever. | ||
| And so her instructions were that if anything happened to him, they, whatever they is, would take care of the body. | ||
| They believed that they were being watched all the time. | ||
| I was told they were being watched all the time. | ||
| I was told our house was being watched all the time. | ||
| Nebron and Vat Bunker claimed they drove to Oregon to forget about what happened. | ||
| Nebron returned two weeks later and was stunned at what she found. | ||
| When she got back. | ||
| The body was still in the car, and that's when she decided she better call a lawyer. | ||
| Braun says when police searched the house, they found 1,200 guns, 6 1⁄2 tons of ammunition, and $230,000 in cash. | ||
| Vat Bunker was found alive and well in a motel in Oregon. | ||
| Meanwhile, Vat Bunker's mother adds another twist about Jeffrey Lash. | ||
| We were all told that he was half alien, half man. | ||
| He was here to save the world. | ||
| And he was higher than a CIA, so he was special ops for the government. | ||
| What? | ||
| Well, detectives are now working on the downer. | ||
| This is actually on the news. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| And checking to see if any one of those weapons was connected to any crimes. | ||
| Can they at least sketch what he looks like? | ||
| Yeah, they don't have any pictures of them. | ||
| There's no photos, but at least get a drawing. | ||
| There's one drawing that looks a lot like Will Smith from Men in Black 2. It's so stupid that all you have to do is have some guns and some cash and a stupid story and you'll make the news. | ||
| I mean, that's really what this is about. | ||
| This is really about guns and all we know... | ||
| It's become a contest. | ||
| All we know is he was involved... | ||
| No, you don't know anything. | ||
| This is what you know. | ||
| You got guns and you got cash and you got a dead dude. | ||
| And because of that, everybody's getting crazy. | ||
| A dead half alien dude. | ||
| Like, if he only had, like, five guns, he would be like, well, he was a gun enthusiast. | ||
| And if he had 20 guns, people are like, well, what was he planning? | ||
| But when you have 1,200 guns, then you're on TV. Then you make the news. | ||
| And what's weird is that most gun collectors don't usually have ammo for all the weapons because they never plan on firing, and they have these guns, and he had ammo for all these weapons. | ||
| I don't think he was a, oh, he's suffering from late-stage cancer. | ||
| I don't think that he's a collector as far as he's... | ||
| I mean, he's got all those guns, but it's not like he's got them in cases. | ||
| It sounds like such a fake name. | ||
| Christopher Columbus's musket. | ||
| Have you ever met anybody with a last name Lash? | ||
| I know, it sounds like a Terminator movie. | ||
| That's not a real name. | ||
| And her name was Bunker, and that picture, like, what... | ||
| Scroll back up to that picture, Jamie? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| No, down. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Lash on thousands of firearms, 14 specially equipped cars, among other strange, unusual items. | ||
| So what is that? | ||
| Is, like, workbench in there? | ||
| Yeah, and look at all the piles of cash. | ||
| I mean, they're saying all the cars were specially equipped, you know, like, with weird things. | ||
| So he's a nut. | ||
| He's probably one of those preppers. | ||
| It's just amazing that this could actually become a story, just because he has cash. | ||
| Now they're going to make a movie out of it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And who's going to play Lesh? | ||
| This is probably already a movie, right? | ||
| Christian Bale. | ||
| He's going to play him. | ||
| It's going to be like an ironic comedy. | ||
| No, you know who they're going to get? | ||
| What's to do with the cleft palate? | ||
| Joaquin Phoenix? | ||
| He's going to do it. | ||
| Or Vin Diesel. | ||
| I'll be bloated cook dead guy number two for the car scene. | ||
| Did you see his dumb movie? | ||
| That movie that everybody was telling you that was really good? | ||
| The Joaquin Phoenix movie? | ||
| It was very strange. | ||
| Some recent movie that he did, like real absurdist, strange movie. | ||
| Her? | ||
| Joaquin Phoenix. | ||
| No, it wasn't her. | ||
| Yeah, it was like a... | ||
| I was like halfway into it and I was like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Didn't the girl get in trouble? | ||
| Kind of because she was playing an Asian and she's white. | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| Oh, that's the Emma Stone Aloha movie. | ||
| I don't think that's it. | ||
| It was a movie about... | ||
| I don't even know what it was about. | ||
| It was just a ridiculous movie. | ||
| I think it was a private investigator or something. | ||
| Halfway into the movie, I shut it off. | ||
| I was like, I can't even do this. | ||
| I never do that. | ||
| I almost always watch a movie all the way to the end. | ||
| Do you ever leave a movie theater? | ||
| I get up and fucking walk. | ||
| That Get Hard movie? | ||
| Get Hard was bad? | ||
| There's not one Will Ferrell movie that I have turned off halfway through it. | ||
| That movie was horrible. | ||
| Kevin Hart and Will Ferrell. | ||
| Kevin Hart kills it as a comedian. | ||
| Just kills it. | ||
| He's killing it on the road. | ||
| He's on the cover of Rolling Stone now, I think. | ||
| But a lot of people don't like his movies. | ||
| I don't know what that's about. | ||
| It's just not good. | ||
| It's just not good? | ||
| Do you think he's doing too many movies? | ||
| Does he just jamming them in there, like whatever they come with money that they think is going to sell? | ||
| I don't think I've ever seen a Kevin Hart movie, so I only have that one to judge. | ||
| I think it's because he doesn't turn down his volume, you know? | ||
| He's always on, like, level 10. That's what it bothers you? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know if I've seen a Kevin Hart movie either. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You know, but I'm just assuming that he's always that way, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| With the high energy. | ||
| Inherent Vice. | ||
| That's the name of the movie. | ||
| Look at that poster. | ||
| A lot of people told me it was amazing. | ||
| Like, this is such a cool movie. | ||
| And I was halfway into it. | ||
| I was like, you gotta be fucking kidding me. | ||
| What are you doing to me, you fucks? | ||
| It's a good poster, though. | ||
| Oh, it's stylistically a very cool movie. | ||
| And I love that dude. | ||
| They get you with the poster, man. | ||
| They can do that. | ||
| Like, all the residuals from this movie should go to the graphic designer for this poster. | ||
| And the people put together the trailer. | ||
| Not the writers or the producers, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it never goes that way. | ||
| Well, it's got this 1960s vibe to it, or 1970s vibe to it. | ||
| It's just a very strange movie. | ||
| Just didn't get into it. | ||
| So, you're on Girl Code? | ||
| I'm on Girl Code. | ||
| What do you do for that? | ||
| What does that involve? | ||
| Being a talking head. | ||
| So it's like one of those things where things play in the news and you start, you comment on it? | ||
| Well, they don't do the news. | ||
| They just give you topics. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And how often do you do that? | ||
| Well, I did it like once a month when I did it. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| But yeah, I'm not doing it anymore. | ||
| Stopped? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How come? | |
| Stopped. | ||
| I was like, I've had enough. | ||
| You got bored? | ||
| Really? | ||
| I've had enough of you guys dressing me up like I'm a 14-year-old girl. | ||
| Is that what they did? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, like I would have like bows in my hair and stuff. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That's racist, right? | ||
| Well, they would like make all of us look like that. | ||
| All the girls? | ||
| Oh, there's a creep behind the scenes. | ||
| I mean, not like all of them, but maybe some of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Black chicks? | |
| Any black chicks work there? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| They didn't have any black girls? | ||
| No diversity on girl code? | ||
| Like behind the scenes, no. | ||
| The talent, yes. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Did they make the talent, the black girls, wear like bows in their hair and dress like they're 12? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Um... | |
| I don't know. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| You should know. | ||
| I should know, right? | ||
| You should be comparing if they did it to you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Why were they doing it to you? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Did you ask them? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| You just quit. | ||
| Fuck this. | ||
| I hate these clothes. | ||
| No, it was fun because it taught me how to, you know, just go off the cuff and make up a joke on the spot, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| But, um, I don't know. | ||
| So they'll give you a subject in advance, like Kanye West, getting married, Kim Kardashian? | ||
| No, like maybe like boners. | ||
| Boners? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Or like one night stands or, you know? | ||
| Yeah, vacations. | ||
| Stuff like that. | ||
| Do you have strong opinions about boners or vacations? | ||
| What was your DPDs? | ||
| What's your dance? | ||
| One question at a time, please. | ||
| That's on your podcast, right? | ||
| We don't bring that here. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
DPD. DPD. Her damps per day. | |
| What? | ||
| His perverted question that he asks everybody on his show. | ||
| I don't even know what you're talking about. | ||
| How many times a day does she get damped if she were to check every... | ||
| Damp? | ||
| How many times you get damp? | ||
| Every 30 minutes. | ||
| That's what he asks. | ||
| Don't you think that everybody listening would want to know what you're talking about? | ||
| That's why I just said, what's your damps per day? | ||
| It took a long time to get that out of you guys. | ||
| I know! | ||
| So they give you a subject like boners or something like that and they give you time to write? | ||
| Or do you just have to riff? | ||
| They give you time to write, and then you can riff also. | ||
| So they email them to you or something? | ||
| And you show up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those are weird shows because they don't pay you anything, right? | ||
| Well, yeah, I know. | ||
| Compared to, like, I make more money doing stand-up. | ||
| Well, that's kind of common on those cable shows, but it seems like those shows, like, they revolve almost entirely on the input provided by the comedians. | ||
| I mean, that's, like, pretty much the whole show. | ||
| We're writing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's such a cheap show to make because we're writing everything, but we don't get a writer's credit. | ||
| You don't get a writer's credit and you really don't get paid very much. | ||
| And that's the whole show. | ||
| It's not like they're selling... | ||
| It's a wildlife show and occasionally Esther will come on and talk about boners. | ||
| No, the entire show is about people's opinions on stuff, right? | ||
| It's like the 80s. | ||
| They have those VH1 shows. | ||
| It's like that kind of stuff, right? | ||
| I love the 2000s, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, basically they show clips that splice in between people talking about cherry pie or something like that. | ||
| That's really what the whole show is. | ||
| But yet, the people that do it, they don't get paid that much. | ||
| It's one of those little sneaky things. | ||
| They just figure it out. | ||
| Yeah, they get you, and then somebody makes a lot of money. | ||
| Like Byron Allen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| And that Byron Allen Comics Unleashed with Byron Allen! | ||
| The whole show is Byron Allen talking to comedians, and they... | ||
| Hey, Esther, I understand you like zoos, and you'll just start talking about the zoos. | ||
| You know, can he make it sound like he's not forcing it so much? | ||
| No, it's all forced. | ||
| It's all forced and no one gives a fuck. | ||
| But that's the whole show. | ||
| But he sells that show. | ||
| And Byron Allen grew up around show business. | ||
| His mom worked for David Letterman. | ||
| Or no, not David. | ||
| Johnny Carson. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| So his mom would clean his office and he would see the whole taping and he'd be a little kid standing there like six years old watching Johnny Carson say hi to him in the parking lot and then go on stage and make the magic happen. | ||
| That's probably why he does it like old school like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because that's who he watched every day. | ||
| Don't you think when you watch a talk show today, like if you watch like anyone, Fallon or any of these new talk shows, it seems so weird to me that no one can move away from the desk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You have to have a fucking desk and pretend like you're working in an office and right next to you, in the most awkward way possible, has to be someone sitting in a chair next to the desk. | ||
| Yeah, why is it made to look like an office? | ||
| It's so strange. | ||
| Wouldn't be couches be better? | ||
| It's kind of like a doctor's office or something. | ||
| Like you're sitting next to a receptionist. | ||
| It's like you don't even face them. | ||
| It's the weirdest way to have a conversation. | ||
| It's like if the cameras were here, where Jamie is, and you and I would be talking like this. | ||
| That's literally how we would be doing the show. | ||
| We'll be right back. | ||
| And the camera's facing you and you go sideways. | ||
| Who's the first talk show host who had a desk set up on his stage? | ||
| Well, probably Parr, Jack Parr, who was before, is that who it was? | ||
| Maybe Jack Parr didn't like wearing pants and he just wanted to cover his lower body. | ||
| Who do you think was the original talk show host on TV? Who do you want to say? | ||
| What was the original television talk show? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I'll go with Jack Parr, that sounds good. | ||
| Yeah, I don't even know if that's his real name. | ||
| Late Night Talk Show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Steve Allen. | |
| Steve Allen was a big one for a while. | ||
| Late Night Talk Show, Wikipedia. | ||
| Da-da-da-da-da-da. | ||
| Da-da-da-da-da-da. | ||
| All right, let's go with history. | ||
| United States, 40s and... | ||
| Whoa, 40s. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So they had radio ones. | ||
| So they had these old-time radio shows. | ||
| But they didn't have the two chairs and set up the TV show. | ||
| Ed Sullivan might have been one of the first ones. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That aired on, whoa, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Ed Sullivan, originally known as Toast of the Town, which aired on CBS Sunday nights from 1948 to 1971. Holy shit, did you know that? | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| 23 years? | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| 23 years. | ||
| Wait, 48 to... | ||
| You're doing the math. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 270 what? | ||
| 71. Twenty-three years. | ||
| Twenty-three years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Milton Berle also hosted a show in 1940. Twenty-three, Michael Jordan. | |
| Milton Berle had one in 48 on NBC. | ||
| These shows aired once a week in the evening time slots that would come to known as Prime Time. | ||
| The first show to air on late night was Broadway Open House. | ||
| It aired on NBC in 1950. | ||
| It was canceled a year later. | ||
| Not enough people owned television sets to make a late night television series worthwhile. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| The first version of The Tonight Show starring Steve Allen. | ||
| So he was the first. | ||
| 1954 on NBC. | ||
| I wonder if that was 11 o'clock at night, too. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| The show created many modern talk show staples. | ||
| I bet you it was earlier. | ||
| there. | ||
| Yeah, maybe. | ||
| Do you think people went to bed earlier back in the day? | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| Or did they go to sleep later? | ||
| I would think they went to bed earlier. | ||
| Earlier. | ||
| They didn't have to wake up. | ||
| They wouldn't have electricity. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're starving, tired. | |
| That's true. | ||
| They're watching TV on my candlelight. | ||
| There was more farmers. | ||
| They had to go to bed when it got dark. | ||
| There weren't streetlights yet. | ||
| So this says that Steve Allen created it all. | ||
| It says, What the fuck was that like? | ||
| Pull up a video on The Tonight Show with Steve Allen from like the earliest you could find. | ||
| No wonder Byron Allen got his job. | ||
| He's like in the family, Allen. | ||
| Well, he also found one of those niches where you could kind of sell a show like that. | ||
| Like, that's what I was kind of saying, is that those shows, it doesn't cost much to make them. | ||
| It's like somebody who writes a book that's all stories written by other people. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But they're like, but I put it together. | ||
| I put it in a book. | ||
| And I'm going to make all the money, and my name's, like, I'm on as an author. | ||
| I mean, that kind of is the exact show. | ||
| The whole show is people doing their acts. | ||
| I know. | ||
| It's a rip-off. | ||
| It's a total rip-off. | ||
| It's like if you were singing songs that you wrote and then they sold the CDs. | ||
| You'd be like, what the fuck? | ||
| Right. | ||
| But that's what they're doing. | ||
| I mean, these people are creating these bits. | ||
| They have them. | ||
| Then they go, let's understand, you've got a two-year-old kid. | ||
| Man, having a two-year-old is tough, Byron. | ||
| Then it's... | ||
| And they do the bit. | ||
| And then everyone claps. | ||
| We'll be right back. | ||
| Here's some commercials we sold based on this guy's material. | ||
| But they all are there selling something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But has any comedian ever like from 1963? | |
| Look at his Frank Zappa. | ||
| Is that Frank Zappa? | ||
| The guy on the left? | ||
| That is Frank Zappa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| He's so skinny! | ||
| Guitar, vibes, bass, drums and bicycle. | ||
| That bicycle will travel from his bass to his drums to his guitar. | ||
| How did you happen to pick up your first bicycle? | ||
| I was discussing this before with some of the people backstage. | ||
| I believe that a lot of the people have actually played bicycles from time to time. | ||
| Bicycles? | ||
|
unidentified
|
When they're young, they take a piece of cardboard and a clothespin, attach it to the rear wheel, and when it goes around, it makes that noise, and you're playing a bicycle then. | |
| Oh, I see. | ||
| You mean when they pretend they have a little motor and make it sound like a motorbike? | ||
| Yes, we've all done that. | ||
| Well, is that what you do? | ||
| You make a motorbike noise? | ||
| I see a couple of bikes over here. | ||
| Perhaps we'd better go over and demonstrate and show them what you do. | ||
| What the fuck were people entertained by back then? | ||
| I understand you drove a bicycle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, here we are, friends. | |
| Stereo bikes. | ||
| So Zappa's playing musical instruments on the bikes? | ||
| What year is this again? | ||
| 1963. There's two clips that were a little earlier, but you couldn't see it. | ||
| This is after Kennedy was killed? | ||
| How crazy is that? | ||
| How long did it take them to make those microphones that clip onto your shirt? | ||
| He's like holding the microphone back and forth. | ||
| I know, and it's a stupid looking microphone. | ||
| Look how dumb that microphone looks. | ||
| It looks like a corn dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, like how many years did he go holding the microphone like that? | |
| That's what they did. | ||
| They had to do it back and forth. | ||
| They had to hand it back and forth. | ||
| Until somebody invented the lavalier mic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They couldn't run two microphones at the same time, blow fuses, start fires. | ||
| Is he going to play violin and ride a bike at the same time? | ||
| He's laughing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you talking to me? | |
| Yeah, sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's one of the sounds that you can hear. | |
| What is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, he's playing the bicycle wires. | |
| Like a violin. | ||
| Frank Zappa was weird as fuck. | ||
| Even in 1963, when he was buttoned up with a tie and a suit, he was weird as fuck. | ||
| When I first started smoking weed, that was the first music I would listen to. | ||
| Me and my friends would just sit in our car and smoke and listen to Zappa. | ||
| I listened to Zappa way before that, before I was smoking weed. | ||
| I listened to Zappa because I had a friend, my friend Tommy, when I lived... | ||
| Shit. | ||
| I think I lived in Florida. | ||
| Yeah, it was Florida. | ||
| My friend Tommy's dad was a real freak. | ||
| He was a weird dude, and he had a Saab. | ||
| I remember he was the first guy that I ever met that had a Saab. | ||
| S-A-A-B, one of those cars. | ||
| Those guys are freaks. | ||
| Well, back then it was weird. | ||
| The key was on the ground, like on the floor. | ||
| I'm like, what is this? | ||
| This car is so weird. | ||
| It was a really old Saab. | ||
| Now I don't know if I've ever been in a Saab. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Because this was the 1970s. | ||
| But he was a fucking gigantic Zappa head, this guy. | ||
| And he would play Zappa for me and for his son. | ||
| Interesting music because it was really great to listen to with like headphones on because there was so much noises and sounds going on. | ||
| So when I was a young pothead, that's all I would do is like, it felt like tripping. | ||
| You're still a young pothead, Brian. | ||
| No, he's not young anymore, but he's definitely still a podcast. | ||
| But you know, like those, um, like, uh, if you listen to, like, uh, old Hendrix and you hear, like, different sounds going back and forth across the, like, the field of sound, like when you have the headphones on, they go left and right and right and left. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hendrix is amazing. | |
| That's the coolest shit. | ||
| That's what you, I graduated, too, after Zappa. | ||
| Yeah, that was, like, what they figured out how to do. | ||
| They didn't figure out how to do that until, like, the 60s, right? | ||
| Jamie, you know. | ||
| You're a sound engineer. | ||
| Going back and forth and back and forth. | ||
| Like, the shit, like, you know that long pause in Whole Lotta Love where everything gets really weird? | ||
| It sounds like a normal song, and then it's just weird moaning and fuck noises and strange cymbals and stuff for, like, a minute and a half? | ||
| You know that? | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of stuff that was happening with Zeppelin because they were using magnetic tape and storage caused, like, if the tape was wound too tightly, it would get tape bleed. | ||
| And five seconds before, that's kind of how these weird reverb things and weird delays would happen, sort of like that. | ||
| There'd be weird screaming. | ||
| It would be a previous take on a vocal track. | ||
| Because of the way it was stored, it would end up 30 seconds later, a minute later, on another part of the song. | ||
| And it just sounded so cool, they just kind of left that kind of stuff in. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Instead of recording it over, doing it all over again. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Accidents would just happen. | ||
| They'd leave them in. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| I've never heard that before. | ||
| So it's magnetic bleed. | ||
| Yeah, tape bleed. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| You learn some new shit every day. | ||
| Kind of like when a movie, an old movie, has all the fucked up films, you know, from like deterioration and water damage and stuff like that. | ||
| Well, whenever they want to show you an educational film, a pretend educational, like if it's a movie, like a horror movie, and they show an educational film from the 1950s, it always has those crackles and pops and those weird little artifacts and stuff across the screen. | ||
| Not anymore, kids. | ||
| Those are cute. | ||
| Yeah, not anymore, though. | ||
| Like, magazine ads from the 50s are so, like, cute. | ||
| Aren't they? | ||
| They're kind of cute. | ||
| And the fact that people were like dumb kids back then. | ||
| It's weird that your parents are like dumb kids. | ||
| They're just so simple that they're just like, wow, that's so cute. | ||
| You know, like vintage advertisements. | ||
| For like Sears or Woolworths or an Iron, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Selling to the housewives in the 50s. | |
| Basic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Basic bitches. | ||
| People were just dumber back then. | ||
| Yeah, women were just uneducated. | ||
| Well, everyone was. | ||
| Not just uneducated. | ||
| But they knew how to do laundry and get grease out of aprons and shit. | ||
| They barely knew that. | ||
| To this day, they don't know that. | ||
| How to bake apple pie. | ||
| Bake apple pies. | ||
| Jesus Christ, Esther. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Bake lemon meringue pie. | ||
| I think they'd still bake pies. | ||
| Last I checked. | ||
| That's still common. | ||
| Do you cook, Esther? | ||
| I do cook. | ||
| What do you cook? | ||
| I make curry carrot soup. | ||
| Curry carrot soup? | ||
| Yeah, have you ever made that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Super easy to do. | ||
| Is that an all vegetarian thing? | ||
| It is, yeah. | ||
| You just boil some carrots and some onions and garlic and then put it in the food processor and you got soup. | ||
| That doesn't seem like cooking. | ||
| It's like you just smash some food together. | ||
| You're juicing. | ||
| You're juicing soup in. | ||
| No, that's cooking. | ||
| That's like me saying that I cook a kale shake. | ||
| I also cook lamb. | ||
| You cook lamb. | ||
| I make lamb. | ||
| I like making orange marmalade glazed lamb. | ||
| Lamb's a weird one. | ||
| You know why lamb's a weird one? | ||
| Because it's a baby. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nobody thinks about that. | ||
| I don't like the taste of it too much. | ||
| I'm gonna stop making lamb. | ||
| It's baby. | ||
| I mean, it is. | ||
| I guess you forget that it's a baby. | ||
| Nobody ever talks about it like that. | ||
| That's why we have a name for it. | ||
| You don't call a cow cow. | ||
| You call it beef. | ||
| Chicken. | ||
| Nobody gives a fuck about chickens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We need a new name for lamb. | |
| So you can call it chicken. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Nobody feels bad for chickens. | ||
| You can just call it a chicken. | ||
| You don't have to call it some exotic poultry name, you know? | ||
| But, like, lamb is the name that you have. | ||
| Because they have such a tiny head, chickens. | ||
| That's why we don't care about them? | ||
| The smaller the brain, the less we care about them, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| That's interesting. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| We didn't have lamb growing up because it was a religious thing. | ||
| My mom was against it because the lamb was very biblical, she would always say. | ||
| So I never ate lamb growing up. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Do you eat it now? | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I taste it. | ||
| I don't know if it's just me going, yeah, man. | ||
| You just never had it. | ||
| No, lamb's delicious if it's prepared right. | ||
| I mean, the idea behind it is that it doesn't have tough muscle. | ||
| You know that mousse that I cooked the other day that I had on my Instagram? | ||
| That's not the most tender meat. | ||
| You have to cook it right, otherwise it could be kind of tough and chewy because it's muscle. | ||
| You've got to broil it. | ||
| No, honestly, the best way to do it really is stewing it. | ||
| Stewing is probably the best way to deal with the tougher cuts of meat, like a slow cooking. | ||
| Leave it on for an hour and a half? | ||
| No, no, many hours. | ||
| You leave it on for like five or six hours and do it in one of those crock pots, you know, those pressure cookers. | ||
| Yeah, just leave it on. | ||
| Yeah, it's not that hot and it just stays going all day and it breaks down all the tissue and anything that's tough. | ||
| It makes it so that you can chew through it easy. | ||
| So it becomes really, really tender. | ||
| But if you broil it... | ||
| I've never had mousse. | ||
| What does it taste like? | ||
| Tastes like a cow fucked a deer. | ||
| A little gamey. | ||
| Yummy! | ||
| Yeah, no, it's not gamey. | ||
| The word gamey is a weird word. | ||
| What is that word? | ||
| Usually it means it's just been poorly prepared. | ||
| That someone either didn't take care of the meat correctly or they let the tarsal glands leak onto the flesh. | ||
| Like when you, especially when you get game animals like a deer, when they're being hunted, a lot of times they're being hunted while they're breeding. | ||
| That's what's called the rut. | ||
| That's when people hunt them, which is in November, you know, in the fall rather. | ||
| They have a gland on their legs called a tarsal gland, especially deer. | ||
| If you get that stuff on the meat, it'll be funky as fuck. | ||
| It stinks. | ||
| It smells weird. | ||
| It'll make the food taste weird. | ||
| It'll ruin the meat. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Yeah, it can. | ||
| Another thing that can ruin the meat is just letting it sit out too long. | ||
| Letting it, you know, go bad. | ||
| Or bugs. | ||
| Or it could get exposed to the organ meat. | ||
| The rotting organ meat while it's too warm. | ||
| That can happen. | ||
| There's a lot of things that can go wrong, but most of it is preparation. | ||
| If you have deer that's prepared right, if you get an animal, it's taken care of correctly, butchered correctly, it doesn't taste gamey at all. | ||
| It tastes delicious. | ||
| It definitely tastes different, but as they get older, they get funkier. | ||
| You get a real old buck. | ||
| You know, that's why it's kind of weird that everybody wants to shoot the big old ones with the giant antlers, because those are the ones that kind of taste like shit, but... | ||
| You want a young deer. | ||
| For food, yeah, you want a young deer. | ||
| But for conservation, you kind of want an old deer because the old deer runs off the young deer and keeps them from breeding. | ||
| And maybe the young deer may be better if we got more of them young genetics into the food system there, into the life cycle there, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, these deer, how long do they, how long, like how old, how old is an old deer, you know? | ||
| An old, old deer, like eight years old. | ||
| Like how many years is eight? | ||
| Eight years old is really old. | ||
| That's so young. | ||
| What a short life they have. | ||
| Well, their life is just jumping over barbed wire and dodging coyotes. | ||
| It's a great life. | ||
| Unless you live in one of those areas where, that has like a deer sign where you might get hit by a car. | ||
| A good majority of them either freeze to death or starve to death. | ||
| That happens a lot. | ||
| I wouldn't say majority, but a good percentage. | ||
| Most of them get taken out by predators. | ||
| Most of them. | ||
| Or cars. | ||
| They get hit by cars a lot. | ||
| Like the numbers that get killed by hunters, I wonder what the number is. | ||
| Is it lower than cars? | ||
| In some places, for sure. | ||
| In some places, there's hundreds of thousands of deaths of deer killed by cars every year. | ||
| I think in, like, Michigan. | ||
| Find out how many deer are killed by car accidents in Michigan. | ||
| There's places in this country that are overrun with deer. | ||
| Like, people that live in, like, Manhattan go, leave those deer alone. | ||
| They're beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| In college, a deer crashed through the dorm window in my dorm. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Were you guys doing something there? | ||
| No, it was Easter weekend and we woke up on a Sunday and it was so creepy because everybody went home for Easter weekend except for a few kids. | ||
| So I was one of them and we wake up and go downstairs and there's blood all over the lobby of our dorm. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And this deer just jumped in. | ||
| Yeah, that shit happens. | ||
| My friend Cam, some guy died in his neighborhood because he was driving home and the car in front of him hit a deer. | ||
| Car in front of him hit a deer. | ||
| The deer went over the roof of that guy's car and crashed through his windshield and killed him. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| We need deer-proof windows. | ||
| Well, if you're dealing with a big deer, you're dealing with at least 150 pounds of bones and meat. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| What a horrible way to go. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| This number is going to blow you away. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| 2013, there were 49,205 reported car deer crashes in the state of Michigan. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| That translates into one car deer crash every nine minutes. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| These crashes are at least 130 million dollars a year. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| In Ohio, I had those whistles on my car. | ||
| I'd always make sure that was the first thing I put on my car, is those deer whistles on my car. | ||
| Those are good, but they don't always work. | ||
| We need one of those goddamn battering ram bumpers. | ||
| You ever see those bumpers that they make just for deer? | ||
| In places where people live, when they run into deer so often, they actually have bumpers that are designed. | ||
| The front of them has an angle, so if they hit the deer, the deer goes flying off the sides. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, those are pretty good ones. | ||
| The one in the far right. | ||
| Not that one, Jamie. | ||
| Not that one. | ||
| The one... | ||
| Yeah, look at that one. | ||
| Look at that one. | ||
| It has a deer stuck in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| Boom. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Ouch. | ||
| That's fucked up. | ||
| But for semi-trucks, it's a huge problem because, obviously, they drive. | ||
| The one down there. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| See how it's all over the top? | ||
| It's over the top of the hood and everything as well. | ||
| That's just in case the thing comes up and over the top of the hood that it doesn't crush the hood and disable the engine. | ||
| But most of them are designed so that when it hits the thing, it bounces them off the left or the right. | ||
| It's a huge problem in a lot of areas. | ||
| To protect the car. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| To protect the car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It looks cool. | |
| But the deer gets mangled in there. | ||
| Deer's fucked. | ||
| You still have to stop. | ||
| You stop, you pull it out, you go about your business. | ||
| Yeah, do you have to do that? | ||
| Or is there somebody you could call to do that? | ||
| Because I'm not going to want to do that. | ||
| You could call a tow truck company. | ||
| I'm sure you could call someone to do it if you paid them. | ||
| I'm sure someone would do it, but it's not that hard. | ||
| You just drive off. | ||
| What if you're trying to get Wi-Fi and get on Craigslist looking for somebody to remove deer from my dashboard? | ||
| I'm on 95, exit 18. I think the people that don't live anywhere around those animals would never imagine that there's 49,000 car accidents in a year in a fucking state where cars hit deer. | ||
| But if you're ever around Michigan, you would know. | ||
| I think this should be Trump's new platform. | ||
| Let's lower the amount of crashes caused by deer. | ||
| Forget about the Mexicans. | ||
| He needs to focus on something else right now. | ||
| He's number one. | ||
| Why does he need to focus on anything? | ||
| You know what it seems to me? | ||
| I don't know anything about politics, but what it seems to me on the outside, not knowing anything about it, it seems to me like everybody else is laying back. | ||
| They're waiting. | ||
| And they're letting Donald just jizz. | ||
| Just letting Donald get out there and fucking jerk off and make all this noise. | ||
| No other Republicans are being loud. | ||
| Jeb Bush is being very quiet. | ||
| That's their plan. | ||
| Just let him act like a fool. | ||
| Chris Christie, that guy, he goes on the news and all he does is talk about pot. | ||
| What he's trying to do is trying to not be president. | ||
| I think that slob has some crazy criminal fucking skeletons in his closet from shit that he did in New Jersey that's completely not kosher. | ||
| If he becomes president, all that shit's gonna leak out. | ||
| So I think he's trying to ruin it now by saying, if you're smoking pot in Colorado, enjoy it now because when I'm president, All that stuff he's saying? | ||
| Like, why would you say stuff like that? | ||
| You know what popular opinion is. | ||
| Popular opinion is Colorado's making millions of dollars a year in tax revenue. | ||
| They have the lowest incidence of drunk driving they've ever reported. | ||
| They have lower incidence than in violent crime they've had in a long fucking time. | ||
| And a lot of this is attributed to marijuana. | ||
| So a rational fucking person looking at that would say, well, look, it's good money for the state. | ||
| Even if you're conservative, what do you want? | ||
| You want more tax revenue so we can hire more cops, more fire people, more teachers. | ||
| That's like what a conservative person would look at it. | ||
| Like, this is a smart way to do it. | ||
| This is fiscally prudent. | ||
| But no, that slob. | ||
| Not in my state. | ||
| Fucking bagels falling out of his face. | ||
| You know how there's an age limit on who could run for president? | ||
| There should be a weight limit. | ||
| No, because you could be a giant and be awesome. | ||
| Like, what if you're like some seven-foot-two dude who weighs 500 pounds? | ||
| Okay, how about body fat percentage? | ||
| We would never let that happen. | ||
| If there was a seven-foot-two dude with a giant fucking fire hydrant dick, and he wanted to be president, and he was smart in every way, we'd be like... | ||
| How would we know his dick was that big enough? | ||
| Every time he talks. | ||
| He would do like a Jon Hamm photo shoot. | ||
| Well, he just stands there and he's got this giant wad in his pants and everybody's like, I think, I mean, it's got it. | ||
| Look at the size of him. | ||
| And they just assume. | ||
| I don't think big guys have big dicks. | ||
| Someone knows more than we do. | ||
| Oh, is that your ratio? | ||
| I mean, have you noticed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| Personal? | ||
| I'm just guessing. | ||
| Silence fills the room. | ||
| It just wouldn't, you know, because they already have the height, so it just wouldn't be fair for them to have a big dick and height. | ||
| Oh, that's cute. | ||
| So you think the world's fair? | ||
| How come antelopes don't have guns? | ||
| How come lions have giant heads and huge teeth and antelopes don't have guns? | ||
| This is not a fair world we're living in. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Doesn't make any sense. | ||
| See, I always thought the opposite. | ||
| Well, because I've seen short guys with big dicks, so I just assume that tall guys must have small dicks. | ||
| Well, that's good math. | ||
| You should probably work for the government. | ||
| See, I would think everything's proportional to most parts. | ||
| So if you're a big, tall guy with big, big feet, you probably have a bigger dick than a normal four-inch guy. | ||
| Yeah, you're not thinking that well. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| To me, it makes sense. | ||
| To you it makes sense. | ||
| Well, as long as it makes sense to you. | ||
| See, that means that you have fucked a couple big tall guys and both of them, their dicks weren't as big as you wanted and you're projecting it on that. | ||
| No, I saw a tall guy with a small penis one time. | ||
| One time? | ||
| Yeah, and I'm basing it all on that one time. | ||
| Well, one time I saw a Chinese dude with a black girlfriend. | ||
| So I'm basing all Chinese dudes date black girls. | ||
| I get what you're saying. | ||
| I think all Asian girls have small vaginas, like lengthwise. | ||
| Yeah, but that's an actual stereotype. | ||
| It's like black guys having big dicks. | ||
| That's a stereotype. | ||
| You're not going out on a limb there. | ||
| But to say that giant dudes have little dicks, that doesn't make sense. | ||
| That's going out on a limb. | ||
| I guess I've just always avoided giant dudes because I thought... | ||
| That they have little dicks? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| How ironic. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is so ridiculous. | |
| I love being stupid. | ||
| How long are you going to be in LA for? | ||
| Till Saturday. | ||
| You got gigs out here? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Where can people see you? | ||
| I'm doing the comedy union today, but is this going to go on today? | ||
| This is going on right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, hey! | |
| Come to the comedy union! | ||
| What is the comedy union? | ||
| It's a comedy club. | ||
| Where's it at? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I gotta look it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft! | |
| It's here in Los Angeles. | ||
| Have you heard of it? | ||
| It's the Black Comedy Club. | ||
| Oh, you do black rooms. | ||
| I do black rooms. | ||
| Do you have black comedy that you do specifically for these African-American rooms? | ||
| Or does it like you just do your own act? | ||
| No, I just do my act. | ||
| Do you do a lot of these African-American rooms? | ||
| Stop calling them African-American! | ||
| Am I supposed to call them urban? | ||
| It's just, yeah. | ||
| I'm trying to be politically correct. | ||
| Well, don't be. | ||
| They're just, yeah, I do a lot. | ||
| I do a lot in New York. | ||
| I do a lot of black rooms in New York. | ||
| So it's cool to be able to do one out here. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Why do you do a lot of them? | ||
| Do you just enjoy it? | ||
| Because they're just so... | ||
| Do you do it well there? | ||
| They're so fun. | ||
| They're so fun? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just, you feel like you're just, like, riding waves of laughter. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Non-stop. | ||
| Like, they just laugh harder. | ||
| They definitely do, but they also, they get bored of you quick. | ||
| Which is good, because it just makes you better, you know? | ||
| Chris Rock said that once, that he did a show with Martin Lawrence, and then he realized that he had been doing too many white rooms. | ||
| He's like, white people are too patient. | ||
| Like, he did a black show with Martin Lawrence, and Martin Lawrence killed, and he had to go on after Martin Lawrence, and he was like, oh, snap. | ||
| Shit, I better get back to the black rooms. | ||
| Because Martin Lawrence in the 1990s was a fucking monster. | ||
| A lot of people don't know him. | ||
| He's one of those guys. | ||
| I've never seen him. | ||
| He's one of those guys, a lot of people, they sleep on him now because he kind of got a little bit... | ||
| He had some issues with mental health and the law. | ||
| Remember, he was running around with a wetsuit on and yelling at people or something. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| He was dehydrated. | ||
| They were saying he was dehydrated and saying a bunch of nutty shit, and they pulled him in for some sort of a... | ||
| They ran some tests on him. | ||
| They wanted to find out what the hell's wrong with him. | ||
| Then he kind of faded off, and he did some movies, but he kind of stopped doing stand-up until recently. | ||
| Yeah, I forgot all about him. | ||
| Just started doing it again though, remember? | ||
| He was at the store a few weeks ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, cool. | |
| He was like doing the main room. | ||
| I didn't get a chance to see it though, but I heard it was good. | ||
| He was fucking awesome. | ||
| When I was starting out though, in the 90s, I used to have to go on after him at the comedy store. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Oh my god, I ate dick going on after him. | ||
| I ate dick when I went on after him during this era, during the You So Crazy era. | ||
| I love that, an extremely funny film. | ||
| He's one of those guys that got banned from MTV, too. | ||
| Didn't he? | ||
| He got banned for some of the things that he said. | ||
| He made jokes about tampons or something like that. | ||
| Kurt Loder was like, enough! | ||
| When they banned Dice Clay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember when they banned Dice Clay for deuce jokes? | |
| Enough! | ||
| Now they have whole episodes on tampons on MTV. Of course they do. | ||
| Kurt Loder, where's he at? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Just trying to be a respectable record store guy, you know? | ||
| Those guys that were like the DJs of... | ||
| They were like the cool record store clerks, you know, that kind of knew what was good and what was not good. | ||
| They were cool DJ guys, you know, that actually could pick and choose the music they liked. | ||
| Like the old days, when I used to listen to radio when I was a kid, DJs were stars. | ||
| Because a DJ... I know! | ||
| A DJ is the first famous person I met. | ||
| Wouldn't a DJ like... | ||
| No, like a radio, like the oldies channel guy. | ||
| Who was the first one you met? | ||
| It was Dick Bionde. | ||
| And he was a DJ for the Chicago oldies radio station. | ||
| He's a famous guy? | ||
| Well, to me he was famous. | ||
| He was famous, like, on the air in Chicago? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, he was like, Dick Biondi's forgotten the oldies. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| That's him? | ||
| There's Dick. | ||
| Yeah, I went to a mattress store to meet Dick Biondi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He does. | |
| He looks exactly like Zappa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious. | |
| He looks like Zappa from the Steve Allen show. | ||
| Oh my god, he does! | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Okay, he was a lot older than that. | ||
| Well, that was drawn before cameras were invented. | ||
| Yeah, they used to be able to pick the music. | ||
| So those guys were the cool guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, so I loved him because I was like, I love everything he picks. | |
| He's picking Sam Cooke and the Beach Boys and the Carpenters. | ||
| I thought it was awesome. | ||
| They used to really play records. | ||
| They used to actually play the record. | ||
| There was at one point in time the DJ was the guy laying the needle down. | ||
| Think about that. | ||
| They used to pick the records. | ||
| You would hear mistakes probably. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah, I'm sure. | |
| It sounded a lot cooler. | ||
| Dude, when I was a kid, you would listen to the radio and you would hear a fucking record skip. | ||
| It would happen all the time. | ||
| It would happen all the time. | ||
| Like once every couple months or something like that, someone would be playing Whole Lotta Love or whatever and Whole Lotta... | ||
| That's kind of cool. | ||
| And no one would catch it for like a minute or so. | ||
| And you would be like working on a construction site going, what the fuck? | ||
| Jesus Christ, get it right, you fucks. | ||
| Yelling at them, and then finally someone would correct it. | ||
| He went on like a bathroom break and just let the record like repeat for like three minutes maybe. | ||
| Probably cigarettes. | ||
| You know? | ||
| They were probably smoking cigarettes in the buildings back then. | ||
| Oh yeah, totally in the buildings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Remember Greg Fitzsimmons telling about his parents smoking cigarettes in the house in the middle of the winter, all the windows rolled up, solid, tight, and he's just living as a little kid in this house filled with chain smokers. | ||
| My best friend growing up, his parents, and I just stayed at his house every single day in the cars. | ||
| They would have the windows rolled up in the cars during rain. | ||
| That's the thing about those talk shows, too. | ||
| They all used to smoke cigarettes on the talk show. | ||
| They'd all be sitting there. | ||
| Like, Johnny Carson used to smoke cigarettes. | ||
| See if you can find a video of that, because it's so weird to watch. | ||
| Johnny Carson smoking cigarettes on The Tonight Show. | ||
| It'd be like, guests would be there, and he would have an ashtray right there, and they would just... | ||
| Now, when weed is legalized in all 50 states, then we'll just be smoking weed on The Tonight Show. | ||
| No, because you hotbox people. | ||
| You know, like that gig in Toronto. | ||
| Then wear a mask. | ||
| You know? | ||
| How about you not smoke weed in front of you? | ||
| How about you have an edible or smoke outside? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like some host will just be smoking weed. | ||
| Well, could you imagine if you were in a bar and the other people drinking got you drunk? | ||
| That'd be fucked, right? | ||
| That's what it's like with weed. | ||
| The other people getting high literally get you high. | ||
| Like secondhand high is real. | ||
| I always wondered, because I swear to God I read something once where they said, no, once it's in your mouth, it's totally everything that you're blowing out is absorbed for weed. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| No, definitely not. | ||
| You know what's proof positive is that goddamn Toronto room. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| That's the only reason I believe it. | ||
| Dude, people have gone up that were stone cold sober and they got hotboxed in that Toronto room. | ||
| People have been in this podcast studio and got hotboxed. | ||
| I think Segura got hotboxed. | ||
| I'm pretty sure Greg got hotboxed too. | ||
| Yeah, you get hotboxed. | ||
| Hotbox is real. | ||
| Anybody that says it's not, you haven't done any tests. | ||
| They're liars. | ||
| We always used to clam bake growing up. | ||
| We believed it growing up. | ||
| I like how Ed McMahon was always drunk. | ||
| Jake Elrich Sr. on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. | ||
| Play this. | ||
| I hear these guys talking back then. | ||
| Look at Johnny. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And there some time ago was a book put out by a United States senator. | |
| Most all of the books. | ||
| They're both smoking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
With the committee hearings rehash. | |
| And there was only one chapter in the book was worth considering. | ||
| And that was where he said, "You're going to have a right under the Fifth Amendment." Well if the Fifth Amendment is not good law, if we are to be called criminals because we use it, well now let's take it out of the Constitution. | ||
| Let's get rid of it. | ||
| What's the Fifth Amendment? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Recall history, or the reading of history, rather. | |
| Any guesses? | ||
| Let's take a guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right to bear arms. | |
| You can't tell on people. | ||
| No person shall be held to answer for a capital or otherwise infamous crime unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kill that. | |
| Unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury accepting cases arising in the land or naval forces or militia. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| I'm not sure I understand what that means. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a boring one. | |
| That's not a good one. | ||
| Pleading the fifth means you're not supposed to talk, right? | ||
| You plead the fifth. | ||
| You don't have to talk. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Protects a person against being compelled to a witness stand. | ||
| Okay, himself or herself in a criminal case. | ||
| How weird is that? | ||
| That we have a law like that. | ||
| Or itself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Was that like if you're a non-gender specific person? | ||
| If you're half alien. | ||
| Oh, but he's still a dude. | ||
| He was banging that chick. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| That's why she was sticking around. | ||
| Maybe it was a tentacle. | ||
| That's why she came back. | ||
| See if he came back to life again. | ||
| Bring that dick back. | ||
| I want a social security number for Jeffrey Lash. | ||
| What a weird thing it is that you can say, I don't want to testify. | ||
| Like, Esther, you know, we caught you with a kilo of cocaine, and you got a gun, and how do you plead? | ||
| I plead the fifth. | ||
| You don't have to talk. | ||
| And then they decide whether or not you're guilty. | ||
| Look at what a great country we live in, folks. | ||
| That just seems very bizarre. | ||
| That seems very bizarre, that you shouldn't have to... | ||
| It's like you can't even use that in relationships, you know? | ||
| Like, whose underwear is this, you know? | ||
| I plead the fifth. | ||
| Who the fuck was here, you know? | ||
| You can, because you kind of have the court of your own life. | ||
| It's just, it's not going to fly. | ||
| Most people are not... | ||
| Most people are going to go... | ||
| They're going to bang that mallet. | ||
| Order! | ||
| Order in the court. | ||
| Whose fucking underwear is this? | ||
| Again! | ||
| Put a gun to your head. | ||
| There's no fifth in this house. | ||
| I plead the fifth. | ||
| That's a weird thing to be able to do. | ||
| Like, if you got caught with a dead body, you don't have to talk. | ||
| And then they decide whether or not you're guilty. | ||
| But that doesn't ever really hold up in court, does it? | ||
| Of course it does. | ||
| Fifth. | ||
| Fifth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I plead a fifth. | |
| Yeah, it holds up in court. | ||
| Yeah, that's an amendment to the Constitution. | ||
| I don't know if you can be compelled to testify. | ||
| Are there times where you can be compelled to answer? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| No. | ||
| You can just sit there and say nothing and be put in a hole. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I guess so, right? | ||
| There must be some stenographers who have just written, plead the fifth, to every question that they've asked. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| Well, that's why, like, when Suge Knight gets arrested, he falls down. | ||
| He falls down and pretends he's blacking out. | ||
| Like, that's what he does. | ||
| Like, whenever they, like, say, like, he's getting sentenced, the bill bails 10 million bucks. | ||
| He collapses. | ||
| So they have to take him out of there, and then they have to take him to the infirmary, and they have to, you know... | ||
| He starts breathing hard. | ||
| I think it's better to be in medical care than it is to be in the cells. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It must be. | |
| So if you're smart, every time they sentence you, you just fucking have a seizure. | ||
| Make your nose bleed. | ||
| You don't have to even show them. | ||
| Just fall down. | ||
| Just, I can't breathe. | ||
| I can't breathe. | ||
| Just fall down. | ||
| Just fall down. | ||
| Say you're weak. | ||
| I'm blacking out. | ||
| They can't prove you're not blacking out. | ||
| So they have to take you to the doctor and take care of you. | ||
| What a great idea. | ||
| I love falling down. | ||
| He's a dude who's been around the block. | ||
| What a great idea. | ||
| I love falling down. | ||
| I read a book on how to prevent osteoporosis, and there's an entire chapter on how not to fall down. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, because... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So what do they say? | ||
| What's the advice? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They say, walk slowly, and... | |
| They said, it's hard to find a doctor. | ||
| I went by a doctor, asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They said, whenever there's handrails, hold on to the handrails. | |
| And if there's no handrail, hold on to the wall or a person. | ||
| Why were you reading this? | ||
| Because I like reading on how to be healthy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like being able to prevent diseases. | |
| The idea that it's just like, walk slowly. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| That's all you have to do. | ||
| I was running around and I was just falling down and breaking things. | ||
| If I had a choice between buying a house with stairs and buying a house with no stairs, because I've read that book and because I know that falling down does weaken your bones, And I would rather buy a house with no stairs. | ||
| Jesus Christ, Esther, how have you made it so far? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Seriously, how have you made it this far in life? | |
| With this kind of logic, how are you here, fully dressed, fed, you have a phone, you have a car? | ||
| No, for real. | ||
| No, for real. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| I just wouldn't have stairs. | ||
| I've got it figured. | ||
| I'm going to walk slow and no stairs. | ||
| I'd rather have a ranch-style house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And keep away from tall guys because they might have little dicks. | |
| The probability of you falling if you live in just a one-level house is lower. | ||
| No, that's not true because a lot of times people don't fall downstairs all the time. | ||
| People fall in the kitchen. | ||
| They fall getting out of the tub. | ||
| That's a big one. | ||
| Slip getting out of the tub. | ||
| I almost fall in my tub. | ||
| Every time I get in it, I'm like, oh shit, I almost died. | ||
| I have a friend who fell in her tub. | ||
| She broke ribs. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Yeah, you can get fucked up. | ||
| And breaking ribs is a bummer. | ||
| You ever broken a rib? | ||
| No, I haven't broken anything. | ||
| Me neither. | ||
| I broke a rib at least two times. | ||
| I think more. | ||
| I think I've broken them more. | ||
| But I've also broken the cartilage in between the ribs at least six or seven times. | ||
| Doing what? | ||
| Mostly martial arts. | ||
| People punching you? | ||
| Kicking you? | ||
| Kicking you is a big one. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What happens is the ribs, even if the ribs don't break, what happens is you get kicked really hard and they separate. | ||
| So the cartilage in between the ribs breaks. | ||
| And so then it pops. | ||
| Like when you breathe, you can feel it moving. | ||
| And you have to wait until that bitch stops moving. | ||
| And you have to wait until it to heal up. | ||
| So it's months and months and months before you can do anything. | ||
| Can you smoke weed? | ||
| This is before I was smoking weed. | ||
| But I would imagine you could smoke weed, but it's gonna fucking hurt. | ||
| Anytime you do that, it's gonna hurt. | ||
| The thing about ribs, any movement. | ||
| That was a thing like Jose Aldo, one of the UFC fighters, had to pull out of his title fight because he got a broken rib. | ||
| And they were saying, well, he's going to try to rest and try to heal up. | ||
| But you can't even exercise. | ||
| He would gain weight. | ||
| You'd never be able to make weight. | ||
| You can't do any kind of training. | ||
| And if anybody hits you in that rib again, you're fucked. | ||
| It's super dangerous. | ||
| The rib can actually break loose and go into your organs. | ||
| It's like the whole design of that thing is a cage around your internal organs. | ||
| But it's pliable. | ||
| Would you rather get hit in the ribs or get a concussion and blackout? | ||
| Hit in the ribs. | ||
| All day. | ||
| 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'd rather have the pain. | ||
| The pain of getting a broken rib, I mean, you'd still do damage to your organs and shit, but damage to your head is a totally different ballgame. | ||
| Damage to your head is very fucking dangerous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've had damage to my head in case you couldn't tell. | |
| No way. | ||
| No fucking way. | ||
| How recently? | ||
| Right before this show, I think. | ||
| But I can't remember. | ||
| No, like a few years ago. | ||
| I had a concussion. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I got mugged in New York. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I was walking to a show and I blame this purse that I bought. | ||
| I bought like a vintage beautiful coach purse and that was like my first fancy purse, you know? | ||
| So I'm walking to a show and I have this purse and all of a sudden I'm just knocked out. | ||
| Like, I don't remember what happened and I never saw who hit me, but somebody hit me on the head and I was just like on the ground. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What street? | ||
| Where was this? | ||
| It was in Bushwick on like near the Grand Street L-stop. | ||
| What is Bushwick? | ||
| Is that Brooklyn? | ||
| It's Brooklyn, yeah. | ||
| It's like past Williamsburg. | ||
| Is that a sketchy area? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like where all these like artists are building lofts and you know- Because it's cheap? | ||
| Yeah, and there's a bunch of art studios and stuff there. | ||
| But it's still a crime. | ||
| It's still like, you know, a tough neighborhood. | ||
| So there's like nobody on the street because it was like a Sunday at like 6 p.m. | ||
| or something. | ||
| And so you have no idea what happened? | ||
| Yeah, I never saw- Did you call the police? | ||
| No, I woke up in some lady's apartment. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And the police were already there. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And it was like a super 70s apartment and I was like looking at them. | ||
| I didn't know where I, you know what I mean? | ||
| It was like my first time blacking out. | ||
| So I just like was looking at them like, who are you? | ||
| What am I doing? | ||
| Like I felt like I was in the twilight zone. | ||
| Where did you get hit? | ||
| Do you know? | ||
| I had a black eye, so probably like up here somewhere. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nobody saw it? | ||
| Nobody saw it. | ||
| This lady heard me scream and called the cops. | ||
| So you screamed? | ||
| I screamed, yeah. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| And they ran off and my purse was still there. | ||
| The purse was still there? | ||
| Yeah, they got scared probably because I screamed. | ||
| But you got knocked out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you don't remember screaming? | ||
| You don't remember anything? | ||
| No, I don't remember screaming. | ||
| So you must have been probably fighting with them to try to keep your purse and then you got hit. | ||
| Because if you got knocked out, you wouldn't be able to scream after you got knocked out, right? | ||
| Unless you woke up screaming. | ||
| Maybe, but I don't remember anything. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's fucked. | ||
| When did this happen? | ||
| Um, like maybe four or five years ago, five years ago. | ||
| That is so goddamn scary that people can do that to someone over a purse. | ||
| I mean, I'm assuming it was a purse, you know, but who knows what they, why they were doing this. | ||
| They say that there's like a knockout game, you know, where people just go around like knocking people out for fun. | ||
| Yeah, I've seen that. | ||
| You know, that might have been... | ||
| Yeah, and that was about the time period where that was going on also. | ||
| There's videos of that. | ||
| So, I don't know if that's... | ||
| And there was no video of it, you know, it was just a residential block. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How long did it take before you recovered? | ||
| Oh, a few months. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah, it happened like... | ||
| I would want to go to comedy shows, but I didn't want to show up with a black eye, you know? | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| So, I just stayed home. | ||
| But what about your head? | ||
| How did your head feel? | ||
| You know, the cops just said I was really lucky. | ||
| They just kept saying that nothing else happened to me, you know? | ||
| So, I felt fine. | ||
| Because I never saw anybody coming after me with a pole, you know what I mean? | ||
| So you just woke up? | ||
| It wasn't so traumatizing because I never remembered what happened. | ||
| Did you always feel weird about looking around now while you're walking after that? | ||
| Yeah, now I got a bodyguard, you know, traveling. | ||
| Why are you looking at Brian? | ||
| If that's your bodyguard, you gotta tell me specifically what you're planning on doing with him. | ||
| Yeah, no, now I'm super, like, careful. | ||
| Or, like, I'll have somebody walk with me or something, you know? | ||
| Right, right, yeah. | ||
| Well, it's a dark world out there sometimes. | ||
| Sometimes people are fucking evil as shit. | ||
| The fact that someone could just hit a little tiny girl like you, what do you weigh, 100 pounds? | ||
| Hundred something? | ||
| 101? | ||
| 10. She's like, you don't weigh 110. Yeah. | ||
| I'm all muscle. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm amazed. | ||
| It's just so fucked up that someone could do that. | ||
| Someone could hit you. | ||
| Knock you out and just leave you on the side of the road. | ||
| And that's how people die like that, man. | ||
| People die like that all the time. | ||
| Kevin James was working as a bouncer in this nightclub in Long Island. | ||
| And the guy he was working with killed a guy, accidentally, who's a bouncer as well. | ||
| There was something going on, drunks, craziness. | ||
| Punch some guy. | ||
| Guy fell down unconscious, bangs his head off the ground, dead. | ||
| That's what happens. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| You have to hold back so many punches. | ||
| You want to punch somebody, but you never know. | ||
| They could die. | ||
| Well, you see, the problem is, people see movies, people get, like, pistol whipped, whack! | ||
| And they fall down and they wake up, ah, what happened? | ||
| And then they can still duke it out and brawl. | ||
| Like, if somebody hits you in the back of the head with a metal hammer, which is essentially what a hammer is, what a gun is, rather, if somebody pistol whips you, you're fucked. | ||
| Like, you're fucked for many months. | ||
| You might not ever be the same again. | ||
| My friend got hit in the head, Ryan Parsons. | ||
| You met Ryan. | ||
| He got hit in the head with a golf ball. | ||
| He was fucked up for six months. | ||
| Somebody hit a line drive, hit him right in the head. | ||
| He went down screaming in agony, blacked in and out of consciousness. | ||
| Wasn't the same for six months. | ||
| Couldn't go outside. | ||
| Couldn't see the sun. | ||
| Sunlight would kill him. | ||
| It would give him piercing headaches. | ||
| Loud sounds. | ||
| Couldn't read. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's not good. | ||
| We had a guy on yesterday who was talking about his friend who was in her 40s, my friend Kirik. | ||
| His friend was in her 40s and she was doing a street luge. | ||
| You know what that is? | ||
| It's kind of like, you know, like a bobsled, but on the street and you're, no, like, like, you know, you're lying down on a skateboard or something like that. | ||
| She wiped out, banged her head really hard, and she was fucked. | ||
| Just fucked. | ||
| And like, pretty much permanently. | ||
| Permanently fucked. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They told her to not read, not talk to people. | ||
| After six months, they said you can get a pet chicken. | ||
| Don't get a cat or a dog because they're too interactive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ew. | |
| Like, literally, like, her brain's so... | ||
| But dogs are supposed to help, like, you know? | ||
| They help some things. | ||
| People who have PTSD and stuff. | ||
| But your dog's shitting all over your carpet and you've got a headache. | ||
| You're like, Jesus, that's a fucking shitty dog. | ||
| I guess if you have somebody taking care of the dog, but... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You'd have to have someone, like, doing everything. | ||
| Cleaning after the dog. | ||
| All that jazz. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I met a woman at one of my shows in Brooklyn. | ||
| She had no hands or feet. | ||
| What happened to her? | ||
| Well, she came up to me after the show and she wanted to give me a hug. | ||
| She was like, you're so funny. | ||
| And she had these stubs and she said, you remind me of the girls who did my nails when I had hands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, jeez. | |
| And I was like... | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Oh shit! | ||
| That's so much to take. | ||
| It was like racism mixed with... | ||
| You're like, bitch, I'm Korean. | ||
| I'm not Vietnamese. | ||
| What the fuck, ho? | ||
| I was like I was thinking like I wouldn't bring it up if I just met her any other way right but since she brought up her hands I was like what happened to your hands and she said that she had something wrong with her appendix went to the hospital and the doctor put the wrong name like mixed up her charts and they amputated her hands and her feet When she was only supposed to get her appendix taken out | ||
| or something. | ||
| Very minor. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then a few weeks after that comedy show where I met her, I saw on the front page of the paper in New York, it said so-and-so, whatever her name was, I forgot her name, given $14 million or whatever. | ||
| That's it? | ||
| For your hands and your feet? | ||
| Well, I forget how much it was, but... | ||
| No handjobs for a life. | ||
| It was maybe longer. | ||
| And I met her boyfriend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| Can you imagine dating that happening to your girlfriend? | ||
| And you're like, uh, yeah, I'll stick around with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right! | |
| I know! | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| I asked him, I said, how long have you guys been together? | ||
| He was like, a year. | ||
| When that happened. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I was like, well, man, you're such a good guy. | ||
| You know, she can't even, like, wipe her ass. | ||
| Or maybe he went to the fucking hospital and switched the things around. | ||
| Oh, here she is. | ||
| I found her. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| She was so... | ||
| That's just so bizarre. | ||
| She was so happy that like... | ||
| You know, you wonder how she can be happy. | ||
| But she was in such a good mood. | ||
| She was just loving the comedy show. | ||
| She was so appreciative. | ||
| She was having a great time. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I was like, you know, there's no reason that anybody should have to commit suicide. | ||
| You know, this woman doesn't even have hands, and she's happy. | ||
| See a point in that regard, but I think people commit suicide because of mental issues I think the mind the depression that people go through some people go through some fucking unbearable depression Just I don't understand it. | ||
| I don't know it But I know people have gone through it There's something that happens to the human mind when the serotonin dopamine levels are off where you just don't want to be alive. | ||
| You just would rather shut the lights off. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| And once you think that you don't want to be alive, that just takes over and everything is just doomed from then on. | ||
| Yeah, my friend's going through it right now and I was trying to talk to him the other day and it's just like, no matter what you say, it's not going to change his mind of how horrible everything is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You wish that you could just show them pictures of happier times. | ||
| Like, remember when we went to the water park? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And have it work. | ||
| And have it work. | ||
| Or show them memories. | ||
| You wish you could just show them videos of happier times that they've had. | ||
| Yeah, there's so many variables too. | ||
| There's like, your life could be sucky and there's no end in sight, there's no light at the end of the tunnel, or it could be chemical and your life is sucky, or it could be a series of sad things that have happened to you and failures or losing jobs or, you know, being depressed and unemployable or, you know, there's a lot of things that people just, a series of events take place and then they reach this point where they feel like it's never going to get any better and they just don't want to play anymore. | ||
| They just don't want to do it anymore. | ||
| There's a comedian who saved a guy jumping off the bridge, the George Washington Bridge, like a huge comedian. | ||
| He like held him. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| For like hours or something. | ||
| Why didn't you just pull him up? | ||
| I couldn't. | ||
| I don't think you could hold him for hours. | ||
| Maybe not for hours, but he was like a complete hero that day. | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| Until the guy jumped the next day. | ||
| Fuck you, stupid. | ||
| I'm doing it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| How's your arm? | ||
| Sore? | ||
| For nothing? | ||
| I think that there's people that just don't want to be here anymore. | ||
| They're gonna die eventually. | ||
| You know, that's what's really fucked up. | ||
| It's like we want them to stay alive, we want to save them, but we also know that this is a temporary ride. | ||
| And they're hating this ride. | ||
| This ride sucks for them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And so it's hard to tell them, hey man, stick around. | ||
| For what? | ||
| What am I sticking around for? | ||
| So you keep doing this for another 30 years? | ||
| And then what? | ||
| And then it's over? | ||
| They just need somebody to talk to. | ||
| You know, people have become hermits and they don't want to leave their house. | ||
| Our society allows that to happen because the way it's built nowadays with so many conveniences, you could just get food delivered. | ||
| You could get anything delivered to your house. | ||
| I had Olive Garden in bed. | ||
| You don't have a reason to leave your house and you could just let it pile up and become a mess. | ||
| Olive Garden delivers? | ||
| No, but there's apps now, like she said, that will deliver anything. | ||
| So I go through the app, order it. | ||
| In like 40 minutes, I had all of that. | ||
| And you could just be addicted to internet porn and just never leave your house. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of people that do that. | ||
| There's a guy that I know, he's like a professor. | ||
| I'm going to get him on eventually. | ||
| But he thinks there's nothing wrong with being addicted to porn. | ||
| He said, the way he equates it, being addicted to porn is like being addicted to sports. | ||
| Or being addicted to games or playing videos. | ||
| Like, he's like, it's just, you're enjoying something. | ||
| Like, everybody has this bad idea in their head that, like, the obsession about porn is so awful. | ||
| Whereas, like, the obsession about video games is just, at the most, unfortunate. | ||
| Or, you know, a waste of time. | ||
| Meanwhile, he's hadn't had sex with a real-life human being in years. | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I think he's just a professor. | ||
| I'm not necessarily think, I don't necessarily think he's talking about himself. | ||
| I think he's trying to make some sort of a rational argument for why we have this unusual attitude about sex that we don't apply to everything else. | ||
| Like if someone really loves cars, like say if you're like a guy who loves vintage cars and you just want, like there's people like, I looked at this house. | ||
| That was for sale on that was in the Pacific Northwest and it was the guy was a Ferrari Fan like he loved Ferraris. | ||
| So he had Ferrari design his kitchen He's like at a Ferrari kitchen and then he had a glass wall from his living room to this enormous garage That was filled with Ferraris and this guy was just obsessed with Ferraris. | ||
| He's just a rich guy who loved and And he had old ones, and he had new ones, and he had vintage ones, and this guy was just obsessed. | ||
| He had Ferrari books and magazines. | ||
| But if that was porn, you'd think he's a creep. | ||
| If it's cars, you're like, wow, this guy fucking loves Ferraris. | ||
| You don't get it, but you don't judge him. | ||
| You go, well, I guess he just really likes Ferraris. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| He's got money. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| But if you went over his house and it's all just blow-up dolls and dildos... | ||
| That's Yoshi's house. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is Yoshi's house. | ||
| He's like, if you need a place to stay, let me know. | ||
| You can get pregnant just walking through the door in Yoshi's place. | ||
| But you know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's like, why do we get... | ||
| I think it's because we have weird attitudes about sex, and we also have the attitude that porn, at least some of it, dehumanizes women. | ||
| Like, porn, at least some of it, makes you look at women like they're an object. | ||
| Not an equal, not a person, just something to fuck. | ||
| That's why they have a hard time meeting a real live woman because they've been desensitized to it so much. | ||
| They want to treat a woman like that the minute they meet her. | ||
| They don't have time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't have the time to get to know you. | |
| They don't have the patience. | ||
| They're just sitting there on a date probably thinking, why isn't she taking her clothes off and licking my balls? | ||
| That's what everybody thinks, by the way. | ||
| They just keep it to themselves. | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| Well, those scenarios, too. | ||
| It's just like, like we were talking about earlier, kind of any scenario that you depict in a movie. | ||
| It becomes like the Lion King or Simba or any of that shit. | ||
| It becomes the Yogi Bear. | ||
| It becomes like how you start thinking of bears. | ||
| Well, if you watch too many movies where girls just call a plumber and start sucking his dick, You just assume that this is how people operate and behave. | ||
| The same way you assume Yogi Bear is going to try to take your picnic basket and not eat your kids. | ||
| We have these weird images in our head because of the media. | ||
| And porn, as much as it doesn't seem like it's the media, absolutely 100% is. | ||
| You're watching depictions. | ||
| I think my college boyfriend was addicted to porn. | ||
| Why do you think that? | ||
| Because I thought his name was John for the longest time, and then everybody on his dorm floor was like, yo, is porno John here? | ||
| And I was like, what the fuck is porno John? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, well, there's two Johns on our floor. | |
| He's porno John. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because he liked porno. | ||
| Because he had the most porn out of everybody on his floor. | ||
| Maybe he's just really good at collecting shit. | ||
| Maybe he knew what he liked. | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| You hope so now? | ||
| I hope so now, yeah. | ||
| Was he a freak? | ||
| No, he was like regular. | ||
| I was freakier than him. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why were you freaky? | ||
| Because, like, I don't know. | ||
| I think when you're young, you just, like, sometimes have sex and you don't care about the other people's feelings. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Do you have gangster sex? | ||
| Is that what you do? | ||
| No! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you crazy? | |
| Spit on dudes, smack them after you come? | ||
| After he came, I would keep going. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he would be like, I'm trying to do my homework. | ||
| Do you mind? | ||
| What sounds like he's really... | ||
| You need to find a better dude. | ||
| That's what every guy wants. | ||
| Every guy wants a girl, wants to have sex all the time. | ||
| That's what I mean. | ||
| So he wasn't that much of a freak. | ||
| They named him Porno John, but... | ||
| It could be that porno John was all out of cum because he was just beating off like crazy while you weren't around. | ||
| So when you were around, he was like, yeah, a real woman. | ||
| And then once he came once, it's like, whew, I'm done. | ||
| I'm fucking exhausted. | ||
| Because he already ran like five marathons that day. | ||
| So running up a flight of stairs was exhausting. | ||
| For a normal person, running up a flight of stairs is pretty commonplace, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Porno John, he's just been beating off into a cup all day. | ||
| When I found out his name was Porno John, I should have broke up with him then. | ||
| Instead, I let it go on for like two more years. | ||
| But that's ridiculous, because you're the freak. | ||
| You're the one who wanted sex all the time, so why would you care if you watch porn? | ||
| Well, at the time I did because I was brainwashed by all these romantic comedies or magazines or whatever. | ||
| Do romantic comedies get mad? | ||
| Are there romantic comedies where a woman gets mad if a guy's using porn? | ||
| Yeah, except if it's some of the hipper ones. | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| I felt like I was brainwashed by that. | ||
| To think that porn is bad. | ||
| To think that if he's watching porn, that he must not want me. | ||
| And I would, like, make a big fight. | ||
| Now, I don't care. | ||
| I think porn is, you know, fun to watch. | ||
| Or I don't care if he watches. | ||
| Girls get mad at you? | ||
| Yeah, like, I had girls get mad at me that if I followed porn people on Instagram, Twitter, to the point of, like, why? | ||
| I'm not doing it for you type thing. | ||
| Like, it got so bad where I wasn't allowed to do porn or even have photos of women as wallpapers or anything like that. | ||
| I think when I was younger, I was taught to think that you're supposed to take it personally. | ||
| If he's watching porn, you must not be enough or something. | ||
| Is that from your friends? | ||
| Who's that from? | ||
| It's probably from growing up in the Midwest. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Chicago, they have that sort of morals. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Chicago is still the Midwest, even though it's a big city. | ||
| It's still... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Frowned upon, crazy behavior, you know? | ||
| So I was like, let me get out of here. | ||
| You guys suck. | ||
| I love Chicago, but I see what you're saying. | ||
| I think those spots in the middle of the country, there's a lot of holdover thinking. | ||
| That's starting to change, though, isn't it? | ||
| Isn't it starting to change all across the country? | ||
| People becoming more and more open-minded. | ||
| Wouldn't you imagine that? | ||
| Well, when I moved here, Joe, you would talk about masturbating all the time. | ||
| And I remember one time you were talking about how you masturbated the other day to something. | ||
| And I was like, I can't believe he's telling me this right now. | ||
| Out loud. | ||
| I was so shy about it. | ||
| Imagine that, him. | ||
| Like, recently? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| No, this is like 13 years ago. | ||
| He started working for me about 13 years ago, I guess. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| But that's how changed it is in the Midwest, though. | ||
| Like, talking about poop out loud, no. | ||
| That's why Brian seems childlike, because really he's experiencing this for the first time. | ||
| Whereas, like, most people, by the time they're 10 years old, they're actually 10. He came here as an infant 30-year-old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| But you would agree, right? | ||
| Growing up in Chicago, you wouldn't openly talk about masturbation in front of people and stuff like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I would Xerox copy sex cartoons and put them in my planner. | ||
| Sex cartoons? | ||
| You know, like, yeah, like, there was like a joke book or, you know, there's like a cartoon book with sex jokes that I thought was funny, and it was like, you know, a fly with a big dick or something, and, you know, it would look like a, you know, it was like really, you know, hastily made drawings that just have like one word or one phrase or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| With like, you know, somebody holding a cum bucket or, you know, and I would just like think those were funny, and I would spread rumors in my school about like sex ed, because that was always like, Woo! | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're having sex ed! | |
| You know, we're in sixth grade. | ||
| And so I'd be like, you know, so our class went first in sex ed. | ||
| So the afternoon class was like, oh, what was it like? | ||
| And I was like, well, Mrs. Elmore and Mr. Reynolds got naked and had sex. | ||
| And they were like, what? | ||
| I would like start rumors like that, you know, and people believed me. | ||
| Is that how you became a comic? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| By just being inappropriate? | ||
| By being funny in school. | ||
| Being funny in school and being kind of like, people didn't expect it. | ||
| You're a small, cute girl and you're saying these dirty things. | ||
| Well, and the teacher, like, so I would never get in trouble either because I would always just find somebody who looked like Red Band and blame it on him, you know? | ||
| Good move. | ||
| And be like, I didn't do that. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| He changed the whole schedule. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're a bully. | ||
| It's funny, though. | ||
| I am a bully. | ||
| You get in fights a lot, though, don't you? | ||
| Like physical fights? | ||
| I mean, maybe not physical. | ||
| You get in fights? | ||
| No, I don't get in fights, no. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Where are you making this up from? | ||
| Earlier she said something about punching. | ||
| You said something about you never know when to stop punching. | ||
| And I thought you were talking personally. | ||
| I was going to ask you if you get in fights a lot. | ||
| I just meant you as in anybody out there listening. | ||
| You. | ||
| He thought I meant me. | ||
| Oh, you never know when to stop punching. | ||
| You want to be careful who you punch. | ||
| Because, you know, they might crack their head open and die. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You assume that she got in a lot of fights because of that? | ||
| Well, no, because she said something like, you never know when to stop punching. | ||
| And how she said it, she says, you never know when to stop punching. | ||
| Did I turn Italian, too? | ||
| Are you following what he's saying? | ||
| No. | ||
| Why does he think that you get in fights? | ||
| Do you get in arguments with people or something? | ||
| I understand why he would think that. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Are you feisty? | ||
| Is that what this is? | ||
| I mean, I have been, but that's not my normal state. | ||
| You know? | ||
| She doesn't seem like someone gets in fights. | ||
| No, it was just how she said it earlier. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I was just trying to sound like I knew how to fight. | ||
| That's why I didn't say anything. | ||
| Because you guys talk about MMA a lot of times. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's what we do. | ||
| So did you fly down here just to hang out and do some shows? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many days are you down here for? | ||
| Till Saturday. | ||
| Thinking about moving to California? | ||
| Saying, fuck Miami? | ||
| I think you are, right? | ||
| I love it here. | ||
| It's the best, right? | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's awesome. | |
| The best comedy community. | ||
| Dude, she'd have come last night. | ||
| The comedy store was off the fucking hook last night. | ||
| The roast battle? | ||
| Oh, the roast battle and the original room. | ||
| The original room was sold out. | ||
| It was mobbed. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| And then upstairs, the roast battle was crazy packed and fucking hilarious. | ||
| Who was the kid that went on first? | ||
| The guy who, the roast battle, the blonde guy with the glasses? | ||
| Jamie, find that dude. | ||
| That guy was fucking money. | ||
| It's too crowded to even go in there and watch it, so I didn't get to see any of the... | ||
| So who organizes who's gonna battle who? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I don't know the answer to that, but Brian Moses is the host, and it's a perfect length show because it happens late at night. | ||
| It happens like 11.45, and it only lasts like an hour. | ||
| It's in and it's over. | ||
| By 1 o'clock in the morning, everybody's going home. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| And it's monstrously funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They should do this everywhere. | |
| That's his name? | ||
| Jeff? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Jeff Sewing? | ||
| Goddamn, that dude's funny. | ||
| He killed, dude. | ||
| He's really fucking good. | ||
| He's a funny guy, man. | ||
| I don't know how long that guy's been doing stand-up. | ||
| I think they said four years. | ||
| Keep an eye on him. | ||
| Jeff Sewing. | ||
| S-E-W-I-N-G. And one of the things I love about that place is it's open to young, up-and-coming comics. | ||
| They can make a name for themselves there. | ||
| There's some people on the show last night. | ||
| That weren't that good and there's there's a couple that were like kind of shaky But the fact that they get a chance like if you're if you're you don't have to have a bunch of You know, resume items that you can call upon. | ||
| You don't have to have like a bunch of credits to your name. | ||
| You can just be a local comic who is down on their luck. | ||
| You go up there and you can crush. | ||
| Like this guy, this Jeff guy. | ||
| And just smash it and then we'll be talking about you the next day. | ||
| And everybody will be talking about you. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| It's an amazing showcase. | ||
| And it's a live fucking experience. | ||
| Like Roast Battle is one of the cool... | ||
| Like it was never there when I was there in the old days of the Comedy Store. | ||
| This new... | ||
| It's one of the pieces of... | ||
| The new comedy store that I point to when I talk about how much better it is there now. | ||
| It's just a better environment. | ||
| Everything's better. | ||
| The young up-and-coming guys are better. | ||
| The young up-and-coming girls, they're all better. | ||
| There's just more energy, more life. | ||
| And then there's shit like Kill Tony and the Roast Battle. | ||
| Those two things are just giant for that place. | ||
| Giant. | ||
| It's great for new comics. | ||
| It's one of the best things ever of both of those shows. | ||
| Both of those shows. | ||
| Kill Tony's giant for new comics. | ||
| Giant. | ||
| Yeah, and there's so many comics that are on Kill Tony that have almost become regulars that are already surpassing people that have been doing it for 10 years in comedy just because of the internet and the idea of it being broadcast and podcast and all that stuff. | ||
| It's great for them. | ||
| It forces you to like hit another level early, you know, especially like girls like Kim and Sarah because they're doing if you never Watched or listen to kill Tony on death squad podcast network it um kill Tony is a Podcast where they have new comics go up. | ||
| They do one minute. | ||
| Have you seen it right? | ||
| Yeah Have you ever been on it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I've never been on it should be on it as a host or as a judge rather. | |
| It's awesome. | ||
| So far I've seen it happen. | ||
| Yeah, I You're not really a judge. | ||
| You're like a comedy expert. | ||
| A commentator. | ||
| A comic, working comic. | ||
| So they do a minute. | ||
| Everybody does one minute. | ||
| And then the comics talk about your minute. | ||
| And sometimes they go, dude, you're fucking awesome. | ||
| You got a real future. | ||
| And sometimes they go, just stop. | ||
| Don't do this anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I've seen them. | ||
| They're like, what do you do for a day job? | ||
| Keep it. | ||
| Actor. | ||
| But Kim and Sarah do a new minute. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Kim Congdon and Sarah Weinshank do a new minute every week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Gangster. | ||
| So ballsy. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| To be able to do that, to be able to come up with a new man, and to put it on the internet. | ||
| So all of their comedy career, especially Kim, from the beginning to... | ||
| Sarah did it a little while before she did... | ||
| That's so ballsy. | ||
| All of her sets. | ||
| All of her sets. | ||
| A brand new minute every week. | ||
| A brand new minute every week. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And because of that, it forces her. | ||
| And she won last night in the roast battle. | ||
| Very close fucking battle. | ||
| You could have gone either way. | ||
| Easily. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| She ended it well. | ||
| She ended it with a bomb. | ||
| She knows how to do it. | ||
| I mean, this is her fifth win at roast battle. | ||
| She knows how to handle it. | ||
| She's a fighter. | ||
| That dude, Jeff, though, he was fucking vicious. | ||
| Oh, like, I felt bad laughing at some of the shit that he was saying, but it was... | ||
| That poor girl. | ||
| Oh, it was ruthless. | ||
| She tried. | ||
| She tried. | ||
| She went after him, and she got him with some good ones, too. | ||
| But he had some nuclear weapons. | ||
| It was fucked up. | ||
| It was like she pulled out some big cannons and fucked him up, and then he just dropped nuclear bombs and leveled the landscape to the point where people were falling out of chairs. | ||
| I was curled up in the fetal position on the two chairs, and then the Negro wave, they have these guys, if you've never watched a roast battle before, these guys, and you can watch it on Periscope, too. | ||
| You don't have to be in LA. But if you are in LA on a Tuesday night, Get to the goddamn Comedy Store! | ||
| And you've got to get tickets early, because it's always sold out. | ||
| But they have this, whenever someone kills with a joke, the Negro wave jumps up, and they scream, and who's it, Jamal? | ||
| Who's the dude who poured water on himself? | ||
| Jamar. | ||
| Jamar. | ||
| Oh my god, this kid's funny. | ||
| He's a real yoked black dude with a shaved head. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's awesome. | |
| And he pulls his pants down to, like, the middle of his dick, and they pour water on him, and he's dancing, he climbs up on chairs, and he's grinding in people's faces. | ||
| And it's all just because this joke killed so hard that they act up and get crazy, and it makes it ten times funnier. | ||
| It's such a good show. | ||
| Every time I walk out of there, I have this giant smile on my face, and I feel like I've seen something cool. | ||
| I feel like I've been a part of something. | ||
| There's no place like this. | ||
| I don't know any... | ||
| Yeah, I saw they did one in Montreal this week, too. | ||
| Yeah, they're doing it in Montreal, too. | ||
| Yeah, they did it at the festival. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| And you're doing a podcast with Brian Moses, right? | ||
| He was the host of it? | ||
| We actually have the podcast version of The Roast Battle on Death Squad now called Verbal Violence with Coach T and Brian Moses in it. | ||
| The second episode was released and the third episode should be any time now. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| And Brian Moses, what a good dude. | ||
| We gotta have him in. | ||
| He's such a good dude. | ||
| Such a funny dude and just a good comic. | ||
| He's gonna be great. | ||
| That kid's gonna be giant. | ||
| Verbal violence available. | ||
| Verbal violence. | ||
| So what else is going on? | ||
| Esther, why don't you have a podcast? | ||
| Do you have a podcast? | ||
| Well, I do want to start a podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should. | |
| After this one today. | ||
| I did record three episodes. | ||
| What happened to them? | ||
| I'm just waiting to get more before I release them. | ||
| Why would you do that? | ||
| Because, like, in case I don't find more people, or, you know, in case I run out, what if I, like, air three episodes, one each week, or let's say every Monday, and then the fourth week, I just, I don't have one. | ||
| Do a solo one. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| Move to California. | ||
| See, the beautiful thing, yeah, you can move to California, and Brian will just sexually harass you in the studio every week. | ||
| But you can do one whenever you want. | ||
| That's the beautiful thing about the internet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You don't have to be regular, right? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| You have a bunch of Twitter followers and Facebook friends and all that jazz, right? | ||
| So I wanted to start a podcast and I have a name for it. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs? | ||
| No, it's called the Poo Podcast. | ||
| Poo. | ||
| I like talking about my poo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright, you and Brian are matched. | |
| We should get married. | ||
| Well, that's not going to work out, but maybe we should just be friends. | ||
| I think almost nobody should get married. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Yeah, there's nothing wrong with being together. | ||
| Here's the thing about the marriage that's really goofy, is the legal contract aspect of it. | ||
| The bringing in other people and signing paperwork and stuff. | ||
| Just like, what? | ||
| How can you stamp that on love? | ||
| It's just so... | ||
| The only way it makes sense to me is when you have children. | ||
| You have children and the wife doesn't want to get stuck with no money. | ||
| I have a friend who's married, who's not married, and is pregnant, and I know that baby's going to grow up in a loving home with two parents, you know? | ||
| Like, you don't have to get married to have kids. | ||
| In that scenario, I hope you're correct, but I think for a lot of women, they want, like, legal protection. | ||
| They want to be able to, like, be able to get money when they break up. | ||
| Not just child support, but even alimony. | ||
| Be able to pay for themselves, too. | ||
| If they've been living their life, like, being, you know, taking care of the child, and they made some sort of a mutual deal, and then the dude just decides to fucking jet. | ||
| Listen, bitch, I'm moving to Jamaica. | ||
| Go feed yourself. | ||
| I've never wanted to get married, you know? | ||
| Like, it just seems like you're just tied down. | ||
| Well, that's why they made divorce. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because, yeah, but you are tied down. | ||
| I mean, that's exactly what it is. | ||
| It's a legal contract. | ||
| The only thing that makes sense, like I said, the only time it makes sense is if you have children. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or if one person needs a green card. | |
| That's a good move for it, too. | ||
| I know people have done that. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| You make $15,000. | ||
| But if you have children, I can understand why a woman would want some sort of legally binding, some sort of insurance that she's going to be getting money from this guy that she had babies with. | ||
| That makes sense to me. | ||
| You know what drives me crazy, though, is the non-baby alimony. | ||
| You don't have babies and you have to pay forever. | ||
| I have a buddy who was married for more than 12 years. | ||
| I don't know if you know how California works. | ||
| But California works, if it goes over a certain amount of years, I think it's like 12, You have to pay alimony forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Forever? | |
| Forever. | ||
| What? | ||
| Forever ever. | ||
| Not until the kid's 18? | ||
| No, there's no kids. | ||
| There's no kids. | ||
| Here's my friend's story. | ||
| If you're married or common law marriage? | ||
| Married. | ||
| Married. | ||
| Common law marriage, I believe, isn't much different. | ||
| I think you could just sue the shit out of somebody if you have a common law marriage, like if you've been living together and they've been supporting you for a certain amount of time. | ||
| But this is my friend's story. | ||
| And this is a very good friend, so I know the details of this intimately. | ||
| I've had fucking sweaty conversations with this guy, where if I introduced him to a hitman, he probably would have taken it. | ||
| He probably would have- not really, he's not a murderer. | ||
| I don't want to get my friend in trouble. | ||
| But my friend was married to this woman for a long time, And the last few years, it was real rough. | ||
| And he's just like, God damn it, I can't do this anymore. | ||
| And he doesn't know what to do. | ||
| And then one day he decided to get out. | ||
| And she was furious. | ||
| And she prolonged the divorce forever. | ||
| She tortured him during the divorce. | ||
| Because when you don't have a prenup, then you have to argue over each point of the divorce. | ||
| Well, her idea was, since it was all his money, because she didn't have a job and he was supporting her, he had to pay for her lawyer as well as his lawyer. | ||
| I heard some lawyers do it for free, knowing that they'll get paid at the end. | ||
| Oh, most certainly. | ||
| They would do that. | ||
| But they don't have to do that. | ||
| If the woman is in a scenario where the man pays for everything and she doesn't have a job, well, the man has to pay for her fucking divorce. | ||
| It's like going to war and you have to pay for the other army's general. | ||
| If she doesn't have a job and has no income and has been living off of whatever he makes, how are they supposed to go to court? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| If he doesn't pay for her lawyer. | ||
| She should get a fucking job. | ||
| I mean, she doesn't have kids. | ||
| There's no reason why she doesn't have a job. | ||
| But even though he doesn't want to be with her anymore, he's legally bound to be with her. | ||
| Okay, so he has this law contract with her, this legal marriage contract, and it goes on for almost two years. | ||
| Where she makes an agreement, they come to some sort of agreement, and then she drags it out even further. | ||
| She changes what she wants. | ||
| And she's allowed to do that. | ||
| She's allowed to change whatever she wants. | ||
| She doesn't have to agree to anything. | ||
| So she keeps fighting it. | ||
| And since she's fighting it with his money, she's just bleeding him. | ||
| And bleeding him. | ||
| And she knows he has a lot of money. | ||
| She knows exactly how much money he makes. | ||
| So she keeps bleeding him over and over and over again. | ||
| Because she used to do his bookkeeping. | ||
| No, she didn't do his booking. | ||
| She'd do a damn thing. | ||
| She walked a little dog around Pacific Palisades. | ||
| That's what she did. | ||
| She didn't do nothing. | ||
| Isn't that where Jeffrey Lash was? | ||
| Uh, yes. | ||
| This woman's an alien. | ||
| Anyway, my point is this shit went on for like two years and cost him insane ungodly amounts of money Then after it's all over he lost his house. | ||
| So she lives in this beautiful house. | ||
| It's overlooking the ocean I mean it is fucking stunning this amazing house and he has to pay her alimony for the rest of her life Until she gets married if she gets married or cohabitates with a man Ah, but this is where it's crazy. | ||
| So now she has a boyfriend, but the boyfriend lives with her. | ||
| Why would he live in his fucking shitty house when they can live in this beautiful house overlooking the ocean? | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| So the boyfriend moves in, and then they send inspectors over to find out if the boyfriend is living there. | ||
| She knows the inspectors are coming, so he grabs all his stuff, puts it in a fucking U-Haul, literally... | ||
| Drives a mile away, parks the U-Haul, waits for the inspectors to leave, turns back around, reloads all his shit back into the house again. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because if this guy and her are married, the gravy train stops. | ||
| But if the guy and her are together, she gets hundreds of thousands of dollars every year. | ||
| Hundreds of thousands of dollars. | ||
| Like, she's living an opulent lifestyle. | ||
| So this guy's going to disappear soon. | ||
| With a man that she just used to date. | ||
| She used to date him. | ||
| They haven't been together, like, romantically in more than a decade. | ||
| But this guy, every week, is writing fat checks. | ||
| Fat fucking checks and sending them off in the mail. | ||
| Hundreds. | ||
| It's driving them mad. | ||
| That's what Trump should run on. | ||
| What, divorce? | ||
| Alimony rights. | ||
| But it doesn't always work that way. | ||
| It's like this guy just is a combination of a ruthless woman who knows the system, good lawyers that can manipulate a guy who makes a lot of money. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of stuff involved in it. | ||
| He should hire inspectors or private investigators, get the inspectors to come back, have the video of him taking the U-Haul. | ||
| Yeah, take photos of him. | ||
| It's not good enough. | ||
| It's not good enough. | ||
| He could leave a certain amount of personal items there. | ||
| The point is like... | ||
| They're manipulating it. | ||
| Like, all he has to do is keep an apartment. | ||
| He could have the shittiest apartment in Compton, and then like, no, this is my place. | ||
| And like, stay over her house 99% of the time. | ||
| Just go over his house, take a shit, and leave. | ||
| And they can't force them to get married. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| No, they can't. | ||
| Get on your knees and propose right now. | ||
| Yeah, and because if it's common law after a certain amount of years, I wonder if the money stops then. | ||
| But either way, this guy is just beyond fucked, and it drives him crazy. | ||
| And he doesn't even like this person. | ||
| Not only does he not like her, he knows that she spent millions of dollars... | ||
| Of his money, fighting him in this divorce settlement. | ||
| And then once it came out... | ||
| You're not talking about a guy who did anything terrible. | ||
| He didn't kill anybody. | ||
| He didn't rob anybody. | ||
| But he's become a victim of a legal system. | ||
| And this legal system has him obligated to pay this woman until she stops breathing on planet Earth. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Fuck California. | ||
| Why are we here? | ||
| So she's only like, I think she's in her 40s. | ||
| And they weren't married for 12 years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So if they live another 30 or 40 years, this fucking guy has to pay her hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. | ||
| And I think it's almost a million. | ||
| I think it's not just hundreds of thousands. | ||
| I think it's many, many hundreds of thousands. | ||
| And he's a wealthy man. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| He's done very well. | ||
| But he works for a living. | ||
| And this is a guy who has his own business. | ||
| And she just collects checks for a living. | ||
| He's not a thief. | ||
| I mean, this guy's not doing anything unscrupulous to make this money. | ||
| So this is all money that he earned because he runs his own business, and he's a fucking workhorse, this guy. | ||
| And he dated a woman that was better looking than him. | ||
| He fucked up. | ||
| He dated a woman that was better looking than him. | ||
| And it didn't work out. | ||
| And then, you know, he just thought, I don't need a prenuptial. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love her. | |
| She doesn't want a prenuptial. | ||
| So this is how crazy this guy is. | ||
| He gets married again after this, and his new wife wants to have no prenup. | ||
| And he was thinking of going through with it and everybody was fucking grabbing him. | ||
| Don't you fucking do this! | ||
| We've been going through this with you for the past three fucking years. | ||
| You are not going to do this. | ||
| Didn't he do it? | ||
| No, he didn't. | ||
| He got a prenup. | ||
| He got a very generous prenup, but as a prenup. | ||
| And they got married. | ||
| The point being, a prenup, at least, even if it's ridiculous, even if, like, you know, Esther and Brian get married and Brian has to pay Esther a million dollars a year for the rest of her life if they break up, at least that's set in stone where she can say, Fuck you, Brian! | ||
| I want three million dollars! | ||
| I can't believe I sucked your dick! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't believe it! | |
| I want that fucking money! | ||
| And that's what happens when people get angry at each other when they get divorced. | ||
| They just fight, and they fight, and they fight, and then there becomes this, I'm gonna break this motherfucker. | ||
| See, that's the thing about getting married, is that divorce fights sound fucking awful. | ||
| Well, they only sound awful because they can be awful. | ||
| That's the thing that's really crazy about marriage, is because they can be awful. | ||
| You can demand, there's a legal thing going on. | ||
| There's a contract that's disputed, so you can battle about it. | ||
| If you guys are just dating, okay, and you broke up, well, that's it. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Brian says, I don't want to date you anymore. | ||
| And you're like, fuck you, I don't want to date you anymore either, but I want money. | ||
| Brian would be like, what are you talking about? | ||
| I'm not giving you money. | ||
| Get away from me. | ||
| You know, get out of here. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| You change your phone number, and we're over. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| The battle ends. | ||
| But if you're married... | ||
| The battle's just begun. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just begun. | |
| And then the lawyers get together, and they touch each other, and they rub hands, and they go, we're going to clean this motherfucker out. | ||
| Because you've got two lawyers who are working for the same guy, and they're battling a different position. | ||
| One is working for you, but you're battling for the wife. | ||
| But you're still getting the checks from the same guy. | ||
| He's fucked. | ||
| So they know that all they have to do is stretch this dance out. | ||
| So they kept this dance going for... | ||
| I think more than two years. | ||
| For more than two years, this guy was going through a divorce. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Just bleeding! | ||
| And I would see him, he'd be gray. | ||
| Like, gray skin and sweaty and fucking just freaking the fuck out. | ||
| Just hemorrhaging money. | ||
| Hemorrhaging. | ||
| And working all day. | ||
| Working every day. | ||
| Nine, ten hours a day. | ||
| Coming home exhausted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does he want kids? | |
| Why is he getting married again? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes, he wanted kids. | ||
| It's not just that. | ||
| He loves this woman, this other woman. | ||
| It's not that he doesn't believe in relationships. | ||
| The relationship that he had just didn't work. | ||
| Sometimes it doesn't work. | ||
| Sometimes people are great. | ||
| Sometimes you're great and he's great. | ||
| Sometimes a woman has to pay alimony to the guy because when they started going out, he was making more money and then she started surpassing him and wrote a screenplay and then owes him. | ||
| Those moments are so rare. | ||
| I hate when people even talk about them. | ||
| That's like when women say, sometimes women rape men. | ||
| Like, okay, maybe they do. | ||
| One in a million. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The times that the women are paying alimony, how rare are those? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| 50-50, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, then there would be a good argument to quit alimony. | ||
| Let's just bail on it. | ||
| I think alimony is nonsense. | ||
| I think if you do have someone, though, that you've been taken care of for a certain amount of time, if you care about them at all, you have an obligation to help them. | ||
| I don't like people struggling financially. | ||
| I think it's a horrible thing to see. | ||
| That's one of the most stressful things in your life. | ||
| And if someone can help someone and sort of like... | ||
| Help them move along to a more prosperous future without them. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with that. | ||
| But when you get obligations, like my friend, who's like, I think he has to pay $700,000 or $800,000 a year. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| What if he doesn't make as much money next year? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I think I might be wrong. | ||
| I think it's more than a million now that I'm thinking about it. | ||
| Because there's a bunch of other... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so ridiculous. | |
| There's like a bunch of shit tacked in. | ||
| There's all this... | ||
| Oh, it's so crazy. | ||
| And this is like what he settled on. | ||
| This is what he settled for. | ||
| Over 400,000 people in the United States receiving post-divorce spousal maintenance. | ||
| Just 3% were men. | ||
| And how many of those were from gay dudes? | ||
| How many of those? | ||
| Because Melissa Etheridge plays alimony to her two ex-wives. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| It's the greatest thing anybody ever said on this podcast. | ||
| No way! | ||
| I asked her, I go, how are you paying alimony to two ex-wives? | ||
| She goes, bitches are crazy. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she probably didn't even have kids with them! | |
| She might have. | ||
| She might be one of them fucking turkey baster ladies. | ||
| Puts a strap on a turkey baster and she's like, shit. | ||
| Buy some sperm at the local sperm bank. | ||
| Was it her that had David Crosby's cum impregnated in one of her girlfriends or something like that? | ||
| People get freaky. | ||
| They do little things. | ||
| Try to do little test things. | ||
| There's a gay couple living down the street from me, and there's one guy that works all the time, and the other guy is sort of the house husband. | ||
| They have a great relationship with a housewife. | ||
| They have a kid, and the guy that doesn't work does most of the taking care of the kid. | ||
| And he's beautiful. | ||
| It works for them. | ||
| They're sweeties. | ||
| They're the nicest folks. | ||
| Their kid comes over at parties and stuff. | ||
| Their kid is the same age as my kids. | ||
| We play together all the time. | ||
| He's always over the house. | ||
| They're the nicest people. | ||
| For someone who doesn't know gay people, it just seems weird that these two guys are in love with each other and that they hold hands. | ||
| But once you get used to them, the dynamic of them, you know who they are. | ||
| They're the nicest, friendliest people, and they get along. | ||
| It works great. | ||
| They've been together for years. | ||
| And the kid's not traumatized, you know? | ||
| The kid's fine. | ||
| The kid's like, this is awesome. | ||
| My dads are awesome. | ||
| One of the reasons why the kid's fine is because we live in California. | ||
| And California is very open-minded when it comes to gay people. | ||
| It's more open-minded, I think, than any place else I've ever lived. | ||
| It's like, you know, so much so that... | ||
| It's becoming more of an issue if you're a homophobe than it is if you're gay. | ||
| Like, if people find out you're homophobic, it's so repulsive. | ||
| It's like, what do you give a shit? | ||
| Like, that's more repulsive than it is, like, if you're a homophobic person, you see a gay person. | ||
| Like, it's almost more stigmatizing to be homophobic than it is, as far as numbers go, than it is to be gay. | ||
| Almost. | ||
| And that would be the goal, right? | ||
| The goal would be to make being a homophobe horrible. | ||
| I mean, San Francisco is just amazing as far as just people, people don't want to offend you that they go so far as to like be like, oh, would you like to, you know, get a breast implant to a man? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like it's just trans, like gender people are just everywhere and it's so, except there's a transgender comedian in San Francisco. | ||
| Have you seen him? | ||
| Her. | ||
| Her, sorry. | ||
| Jesus Christ, you misgendered! | ||
| You can't misgender. | ||
| It's super bad. | ||
| They get so mad. | ||
| I forget her name, but she was hilarious. | ||
| By the way, I don't understand people getting upset at something is obviously a mistake, as misgender. | ||
| Like, if you used to be a man, and now you're a woman, and someone actually calls you he... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Relax. | |
| Okay? | ||
| Relax. | ||
| Because if you call me a she, guess what? | ||
| I'm not getting upset at you. | ||
| I'm just not. | ||
| If you're like, have you seen Joe Rogan? | ||
| Oh my god, she's really funny. | ||
| That happens just on the regular. | ||
| Wouldn't bug me. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, whatever. | ||
| People call you a he? | ||
| I mean, just like you make a mistake. | ||
| Like, it's almost like... | ||
| Like, ma'am. | ||
| Like, when you gotta go, thanks, ma'am. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And you're like, whoops, that's a dude. | ||
| If it's a mistake. | ||
| Or you call your friend that's a girl brother. | ||
| Alright, brother, I'll see you soon. | ||
| Or dude or bro. | ||
| But dude or dude is okay. | ||
| Dude is pretty much universal. | ||
| You can call a girl dude. | ||
| Like, guys. | ||
| Like, hey, guys. | ||
| Like, there could be, like, four girls and a guy. | ||
| And you're like, what's up, guys? | ||
| And nobody gets upset. | ||
| And if they do, stop hanging out with them. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Because if someone says, guys is not really just guys. | ||
| The problem is, it's so gender specific. | ||
| There's no, like, female equivalent to guys. | ||
| You know, where you could say a bunch of girls can be guys. | ||
| Technically it's gals, but that just sounds dumb. | ||
| Yeah, but nobody's, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| No one uses it universally. | ||
| Like, you don't see a group of men and someone says, hey girls, or hey gals. | ||
| But you could see, like, five girls and go, what's up guys? | ||
| What's up? | ||
| And somehow or another it's acceptable. | ||
| Girls, like, you can go up to your friends and go, what the fuck you guys doing? | ||
| You can actually say that, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And it's not weird. | ||
| It's not weird. | ||
| It's like, it happens all the time. | ||
| Yeah, what is that? | ||
| How is that? | ||
| Because we just live in such a male-dominated world. | ||
| Is that frustrating, being a woman? | ||
| Um, well, it was when I was a kid, yeah. | ||
| Because, like, I just was surrounded by guys, so I thought, you know, so I felt like I have three brothers, so I was just, like, constantly battling for the toilet. | ||
| Is that why you're so into talking about poop? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| It's like, I grew up seeing my brothers pee in the toilet together because they could stand next to each other and all pee at the same time. | ||
| That I just got so jealous. | ||
| I was like, when I pee, I take up the whole toilet by myself. | ||
| I can't hang out with people while peeing. | ||
| And I thought, man, it would be awesome to be a guy. | ||
| You can double stack it. | ||
| Have you seen those things that they have for women where they can pee outdoors? | ||
| It's like a funnel you put over your box. | ||
| Yeah, they have that at like Bass Pro Shops and stuff. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| Yeah, so you can go camping. | ||
| I want to try it. | ||
| It has good reviews online. | ||
| Yeah, well, the kind of people that would use that thing probably enjoy it. | ||
| I just squat over a pile of leaves. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you're camping. | ||
| Do you camp? | ||
| I've gone camping. | ||
| How many times? | ||
| Twice. | ||
| Did you enjoy it? | ||
| It was so much fun. | ||
| Where'd you go? | ||
| I went in Florida, Silver Lake, Silver Springs. | ||
| See, camping in Florida takes on a totally different meaning because you could easily run into meth heads or crazy people out there in the woods. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I didn't. | ||
| You're lucky. | ||
| You only went twice. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Well, maybe the third time I will. | ||
| That's like going hunting for UFOs twice and saying, oh, there's nothing out there. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| There's a lot of numbers. | ||
| I was surprised that everybody just left all their stuff in the open when they ride their bikes down the path, you know, go down to the beach, and everybody just has their stuff, and you're just on an honor system. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And, like, nothing got stolen. | ||
| And it's not like... | ||
| It happens, though. | ||
| It happens, right? | ||
| All the time. | ||
| It's a big problem with campgrounds. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| You have to, like, lock your shit up. | ||
| Well, I mean, if you have anything really valuable, you lock it up in your car. | ||
| But, yeah, people's tents get robbed all the time. | ||
| Oh, damn. | ||
| Well, it's just one of those things. | ||
| It also attracts a lot of vagrants and a lot of people that are down on their luck, and that's why they're sleeping in a tent. | ||
| There's people that are essentially homeless, but they have a tent. | ||
| And if you have a public campground and there's a shower there, you can kind of get by. | ||
| That's why you need to get a reservation at a public campground that's hard to get to. | ||
| You take a ferry, and then the guy in a jeep picks you up, and you're in his trolley, and then it takes you down to your campsite. | ||
| Brian, ever tell you about Bean from Kevin and Bean? | ||
| He lives on an island. | ||
| He lives on an island outside of Seattle. | ||
| You can't even get to it unless you take a ferry. | ||
| The guy lives on an island out in the middle of the fucking bay. | ||
| And, you know, he's kind of in Seattle, but he does. | ||
| And there's nothing else? | ||
| No. | ||
| You ever do Kevin and Bean? | ||
| The best. | ||
| They're awesome. | ||
| And they're still around. | ||
| They're like one of the last radio shows that's still around. | ||
| But he is wired into the L.A. studio. | ||
| So he lives in Seattle and Kevin still lives in L.A. And the guests come to L.A. When I do the show, I do it in studio. | ||
| Except when I call in. | ||
| Tomorrow I'm calling in. | ||
| But when I do it in studio, you sit down there with Kevin and Bean is over the loudspeaker. | ||
| And it sounds like he's right there with you. | ||
| But you don't see him. | ||
| He's like the eye in the sky. | ||
| He's like, God... | ||
| You think they would have at least a Skype system going on so you could at least see him? | ||
| No, you don't see him. | ||
| He's laying in bed. | ||
| Well, you can see him. | ||
| They have some sort of a setup where you can see him on a video camera or something. | ||
| But there's probably a delay. | ||
| No, no delay. | ||
| No, because it's like an ISDN line, so the delay is so minuscule. | ||
| The listeners can't tell. | ||
| No, you can't tell. | ||
| The delay is the difference between this and this. | ||
| It's so short, it's like this, this. | ||
| It's like maybe a half second, not even. | ||
| It's like an internet lag. | ||
| It's like ping, yeah. | ||
| So if you're saying something and... | ||
| It's not that critical that what you're saying has to be an eighth of a second quicker. | ||
| Just whenever it comes out, it seems like it's real time. | ||
| So he does it from an island. | ||
| But I always wondered, I don't know if I could do that, man. | ||
| I don't know if I could live on an island. | ||
| That would kind of weird me out. | ||
| There's this place in San Diego that's like that I went to where you take a ferry over and then it's just like this small island and it's a whole community though. | ||
| They have like a little grocery store, little sushi place, little dry cleaner, but just houses everywhere. | ||
| But it's completely cut off. | ||
| If there's a bad storm or something like that, they can't have the ferry. | ||
| Everyone's stuck or not stuck on that island. | ||
| Well, there's that island outside of San Diego that all the super rich people live. | ||
| That's the island, I think. | ||
| Yeah, that's like Dick Cheney's got a house out there, and yeah, that's a spooky spot. | ||
| So you've been to that? | ||
| I've never been. | ||
| Oh, it's so weird. | ||
| We went there and ate. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| I think it's Coronado Island. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's exactly what it's called. | ||
| Exactly what it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was some sort of a murder mystery that was going on there. | ||
| There was some unsolved murder in some really wealthy family that they felt like some shenanigans had taken place. | ||
| I can't remember the story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I know. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You know the story? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you know about it? | ||
| Do you know how it goes? | ||
| I read about it. | ||
| The wife was murdered. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was some shenanigans. | ||
| I know, and something with the son, too. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The son got murdered? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| This is the worst story ever. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Murder on Coronado Isle. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Murder mystery. | |
| I remember that case. | ||
| Murder mystery. | ||
| Something was really suspicious. | ||
| The death of Rebecca Zahau. | ||
| She was an Asian woman. | ||
| Crank that up here. | ||
| It was discovered dead July 13, 2011. Oh, right. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| She was like the stepmom and they thought that she killed his son. | ||
| And so all of a sudden she goes missing and she's murdered. | ||
| Oh, this is what happened. | ||
| She died two days after this guy's son, Max, took a fatal fall from a staircase banister in the same beach house. | ||
| The woman was the only adult present at the time of his fall. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So he killed her thinking that she killed him. | |
| Or she fucked up. | ||
| Bill Gore announced September 2nd, 2011 that Zahahu's death was a suicide while the younger something-something was an accident and that neither was the result of foul play. | ||
| A member of Zahahu's family sued Max's parents for $10 million, disputing the contention that her death was suicide. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| How'd that settle? | ||
| How'd the lawsuit play out? | ||
| I don't remember what happened. | ||
| So you can sue someone for something. | ||
| Civil lawsuits are really tricky. | ||
| It's like where OJ got sued because of the dude's family. | ||
| What was his name? | ||
| You know, there's his wife and then the boyfriend. | ||
| Ron Goldman. | ||
| Ron Goldman, yeah. | ||
| Ron Goldman's family sued and won. | ||
| And that's why he had to, like, go bankrupt. | ||
| Get, like, his Heisman Trophy or something like that. | ||
| Yeah, they got his Heisman. | ||
| But who wants that? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Try selling that fucking gross. | ||
| So did they say it was a suicide? | ||
| This woman? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I don't think they know. | ||
| No one was there, except the dude and her, and he probably pushed her off the fucking side. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Probably was like, bitch, you killed my baby. | ||
| I'm sure he killed her. | ||
| Most likely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Seems like it. | ||
| But she might have killed herself, too. | ||
| She might have fucking hated him blaming her for a stupid kid jumping, so she's like, you know what, bitch? | ||
| I'm gonna get you in trouble. | ||
| I'm just gonna kill myself. | ||
| And it was a huge house, so the boy could have just fallen off a staircase and just died accidentally. | ||
| She probably wasn't paying attention. | ||
| That's probably why, if someone wanted to kill her, that's why they would want to kill her. | ||
| Just they were furious that you weren't paying attention. | ||
| You've got to watch two-year-olds. | ||
| You've got to be right there with them all the time. | ||
| He was six, yeah. | ||
| He was six? | ||
| He was six, it said. | ||
| Is that what it said? | ||
| Why did I think it said two? | ||
| Six. | ||
| Six, yeah. | ||
| You know, even six-year-olds. | ||
| They actually, sometimes you have to watch them even more because they get real cocky. | ||
| You can't raise six-year-olds in a big mansion with a banister staircase. | ||
| Well, if you do, you have to fucking pay attention to them. | ||
| I mean, who knows? | ||
| But who knows what happened? | ||
| You know, we don't know what happened with the kid. | ||
| We don't know what happened to her. | ||
| There might have been some weird shit with him or her. | ||
| Okay, what does it say? | ||
| July 13, 2011. A nude body of Zahu was found bound and hanging from a balcony at the famous speckled mansion in Coronado. | ||
| A cryptic message written in black paint was found just outside the second story room in the house, which read, She saved him. | ||
| Can you save her? | ||
| What? | ||
| I'm confused. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| I thought she fell. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Amended lawsuit. | ||
| Rebecca Zahau beaten, strangled, and pushed off a balcony. | ||
| She was found dead. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| This is a totally different story. | ||
| This was from last year. | ||
| Oh, so now they're, so it's still going on. | ||
| Whoa, scroll down here. | ||
| Ten million dollar claiming, lawsuits claiming Rebecca Zahauz. | ||
| This is why I'm saying it weird. | ||
| Z-A-H-A-U. How do you think you spell that? | ||
| How do you think you pronounce that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Zahauz? | |
| Zahauz? | ||
| Death? | ||
| It was a murder and not a suicide. | ||
| It's been amended to allege new details of how three people conspired to kill her, beating, gagging, and strangling her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
With the autopsy, it couldn't have been a suicide. | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I think they found marks on her body. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, who knows? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| She might have been evil. | ||
| She might have killed the kid. | ||
| They might have killed her. | ||
| Or maybe it was an accident. | ||
| I don't know, but I mean, if they found her hanging, I mean, if they really did find her hanging, like it says there. | ||
| The document goes on to claim that the trio struck Zhao on the head multiple times with a blunt instrument, physically restrained her, gagged her, bound her, and strangled her to the point of unconsciousness or death. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't even want to know. | ||
| Seems to be from a lawsuit that this is all coming from too, not like an official... | ||
| Police ruling? | ||
| Right. | ||
| So this is just their claims? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| I think that's what this... | ||
| Probably trying to... | ||
| Again, probably some people that at one point in time were madly in love. | ||
| They loved each other, Esther. | ||
| They wanted to be together forever and ever and ever. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| I hug you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do you know who's going to kill you? | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| These people, they didn't pick up on the red flags, if there were any. | ||
| Well, there might be no indication up until the point where that kid died. | ||
| I mean, the kid dying might have been like this fucking dumb bitch. | ||
| You know, it might have been like the straw that broke the camel's back. | ||
| I mean, if they did murder her, that might be, or, who knows, she might be evil. | ||
| I mean, she might have been just a horrible person, and they might have hated her already, and then when she killed the kid, she might have pushed the kid. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| People are assholes. | ||
| There's a lot of creepy fucks out there in this world. | ||
| Maybe she killed him. | ||
| She could have. | ||
| You know, you would think that she didn't. | ||
| I would like to think it was an accident. | ||
| Yeah, I would like to think that both of them were an accident. | ||
| You know? | ||
| The civil suit is just frivolous. | ||
| But you never know. | ||
| Of course you never know. | ||
| You were talking about taking care of a two-year-old, and Jamie, I just emailed you a video. | ||
| There's this video that somebody posted last night, and it's one of the most... | ||
| We saw it already. | ||
| Me and Joe watched it on the air. | ||
| I don't know if we should show it on here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| The Escalator? | ||
| No, that's not what I was showing. | ||
| No, I just emailed you... | ||
| Somebody posted this last night and it's one of these videos that had something to do about a little kid in a swimming pool. | ||
| And this little kid falls in the swimming pool, but it has been trained to survive. | ||
| And this kid is like a baby, can't even talk. | ||
| And so it shows this little baby and at first you're like, what the fuck is going on? | ||
| This baby falls in the pool and then the baby just learned how to float. | ||
| And it's just sitting there going... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is the creepiest, coolest video at the same time. | |
| Well, babies are really fat. | ||
| They can float pretty good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| It didn't panic. | ||
| Yeah, but when you see this video, it's one of the most interesting videos to watch because it's something you don't want to see mixed with the baby knowing what it's doing. | ||
| So it has this really uneasy feel to it. | ||
| Here's the baby walking out. | ||
| It has great sound on it also. | ||
| If... | ||
| But it's... | ||
| So they did this on purpose. | ||
| They made this video on purpose just to show what the baby can do. | ||
| Yeah, show this baby. | ||
| This is a baby, man. | ||
| This is not even a two-year-old. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| This is a little tiny toddler. | ||
| And... | ||
| And who's recording this? | ||
| There's two... | ||
| The dad's recording this. | ||
| And watch. | ||
| This is where the baby falls in. | ||
| Like, this baby's done this before, right? | ||
| So the baby jumped in the water, kicks... | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Amazing baby. | ||
| Flopping around. | ||
| And then... | ||
| Gets up to the surface. | ||
| And then, watch... | ||
| Just relaxing, lying on its back. | ||
| Wow, it's beautiful. | ||
| But wait a minute, is this a suit he's wearing? | ||
| Is this a special suit? | ||
| No, I think this is just his little pajamas. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| But, you know, I have no idea. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And it starts actually talking. | ||
| It's kind of fucked that they leave him there like this for this long. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know! | |
| I get the video, dude. | ||
| Go rescue your fucking kid. | ||
| And guess what? | ||
| This goes on for another minute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What?! | |
| Okay, okay, cut it off. | ||
| If you cut to the very end, you can see where the baby- look how it's a really cute baby when the guy grabs it at the very end of the video. | ||
| It's just happy as can be. | ||
| He's laughing. | ||
| I just thought that was interesting and creepy. | ||
| It is interesting. | ||
| I wonder if it's a suit or if they just taught the kid to lie on his back and they just naturally float. | ||
| I think a lot of it is probably they panic, you know? | ||
| They don't even need a bathing suit. | ||
| That snuggie outfit was like awesome. | ||
| Babies in pools are very fucking dangerous. | ||
| That's one of the most dangerous things when you have children, is worrying about them falling into a pool. | ||
| One of Demi Moore's kids, a kid drowned at her party the other day. | ||
| Apparently Demi Moore has Bruce Willis' kids, and they are ragers. | ||
| When Demi's out of town, they just have fucking ragers every night. | ||
| And somebody wound up dead. | ||
| A boy wound up dead face down in the pool. | ||
| I believe he was 21. Her son? | ||
| No, some boy. | ||
| Oh, some other kid. | ||
| Some did. | ||
| Ran out of calm, high on meth, fell into the pool. | ||
| Fucking dead. | ||
| I'm sorry if it's your son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't mean, you know, all things matter. | |
| How insensitive. | ||
| Cover your ass. | ||
| That person might be listening. | ||
| They become a no, and they don't become a real person, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, God, that sucks. | ||
| Yeah, totally. | ||
| That's a scary shit thing, man. | ||
| Leave your kids alone at home and one of their friends dies in your fucking pool. | ||
| Like, oh Christ. | ||
| Alcohol and water, man. | ||
| Super, super dangerous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, look at that girl who passed out in the highway that we watched that one time, the video. | ||
| Now imagine somebody just like hanging out, like, you know, drinking beer and just slips and falls asleep and next thing you know. | ||
| You know, whenever I think about alcohol and You know what I think about? | ||
| Those images from the Bryan Singer gay parties that he used to have with the red pool water and 50,000 dudes in their underwear in the pool. | ||
| I am stuck thinking about that forever. | ||
| Whenever I think about the fact, you know, like, whenever someone says, like, pool party, people drunk at the pool, I think of that image. | ||
| Have you ever seen it? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's the craziest shit ever. | ||
| Bryan Singer, who, uh, the guy who, look at that. | ||
| He's the guy who directed... | ||
| That's wine? | ||
| No, that's just lights. | ||
| You know, he has red lights in the water. | ||
| The guy who directed the X-Men, he's a gay dude, likes to party. | ||
| And so he has these parties with all these young studs and twinks, and they just fill a pool. | ||
| Not from ripped buckles? | ||
| Yeah, you already talked about this. | ||
| You couldn't wait, could you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| It's like everybody drank beet juice. | ||
| It's just gay soup. | ||
| Diarrhea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gay soup. | |
| That's what it is. | ||
| But that's what I think about. | ||
| Whenever I think about pools and alcohol, that's the out-of-control scenario. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| That's what was going on at Demi Moore's house. | ||
| The Lyft driver last night, Joe, saw you 20 years ago, and you said something to an audience member that he says to himself every single day since he's seen you. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| There was some woman heckler, and you said, where did you learn to whisper a sawmill? | ||
| That's a hack line. | ||
| That's a hack line. | ||
| He uses that all the time? | ||
| He says he thinks about it every day. | ||
| Yeah, people, that's a hack line. | ||
| That's like a standard, like a stock line. | ||
| Where'd you learn to whisper? | ||
| Helicopter. | ||
| That's another one. | ||
| Where'd you learn to whisper? | ||
| You know, a war zone. | ||
| Yeah, it's a hack. | ||
| I had to write it down. | ||
| There was a guy named Brent that worked at the Comedy Store and he said that him and this guy named Brent, who now lives in Vegas, and Dom Barris all went to a strip club once. | ||
| He says it was the most insane night ever because Don was just screaming at all the strippers and stuff. | ||
| I can see Don Barris doing his act to the strippers. | ||
| Yeah, Don Barris, that's another thing about the Comedy Store that's amazing. | ||
| It's the late night sets by Brody, Brian Holtzman, and Don Barris. | ||
| Those are staples. | ||
| Those are staples if you live in Hollywood. | ||
| Don Barris got mad at me one night. | ||
| For what? | ||
| I forgot what happened. | ||
| He brought me on stage on his late show. | ||
| Ding dong show. | ||
| Was it a ding dong show or was it a regular show? | ||
| It was just a regular show. | ||
| He was just the last one. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And he brought you on stage? | ||
| He brought me on stage. | ||
| Because you were after the show? | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I was just hanging out. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And there were like four people there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And he brought me on stage and was like, what do you do? | ||
| I was like, I'm a comedian. | ||
| You know, like that's how I met Don Barris is he brought me on stage. | ||
| And how did he get mad at you? | ||
| I don't remember what happened, but like, I don't know. | ||
| People were like, people were like scared for me. | ||
| People were scared for you? | ||
| Well, I guarantee you he was playing. | ||
| Yeah, he was doing Don Barris. | ||
| He does Don Barris, like he pretends to be really angry. | ||
| Right, that's what he does, yeah. | ||
| He starts screaming and yelling at you. | ||
| He's not mad at all. | ||
| I know, and I said, no, he's just kidding, you know? | ||
| And they're like, no, that was too crazy. | ||
| Who are the people that said it was too crazy? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Stop hanging out with them. | ||
| It was like five years ago. | ||
| Yeah, you need new friends. | ||
| They're idiots. | ||
| They might have been audience members, you know? | ||
| They always fall for it. | ||
| If you don't know, people used to think that Brody was serious. | ||
| People have never met Brody before. | ||
| I have a bunch of friends that saw Brody for the first time and went like, oh my god, this guy's terrible. | ||
| And then they see him five times and they go, oh, I get it. | ||
| He's my favorite comedian now. | ||
| Learning curve. | ||
| That's exactly when I first met him was at the Man Show when I went to go see Man Show with you. | ||
| And I was in the audience for like two episodes with horse flesh. | ||
| And he would scream at the audience. | ||
| You know, he was the audience warm-up guy. | ||
| But if you didn't know who he was, and at the time, I was just like, this guy's making us clap. | ||
| He's yelling at us. | ||
| We thought, like, I thought he was Hitler. | ||
| Like, I mean, and I remember coming up to him when I eventually met him later at the comedy store with you. | ||
| I remember going, Jesus Christ, man, I hated you. | ||
| I gave respect! | ||
| I think that's nice when people come up to you and say, I hated you. | ||
| You like that? | ||
| Yeah, because then that means you like them now. | ||
| You won them over. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But it's cool when people can admit that. | ||
| Do people say that to you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They hated you? | ||
| Is it guys, usually? | ||
| No. | ||
| It can be guys, yeah. | ||
| Guys will say shit like that girls just to knock them down a peg. | ||
| I actually hated you. | ||
| I didn't even think you were hot. | ||
| Right, when I first met you, I hated you. | ||
| Or because I picked on somebody in the audience. | ||
| That's why they hated you? | ||
| They'll hate me. | ||
| Yeah, but why would you pick on someone? | ||
| If you were picking on someone, I couldn't imagine being vicious. | ||
| You're not a vicious person. | ||
| So you think. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| She's very vicious. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| I can be vicious on stage into the microphone, yeah. | ||
| I'm not going to throw punches. | ||
| Because it's dog-eat-dog, because you've got to do what you've got to do? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| No, because it's just easy to make fun of guys who are alone at a comedy club when everybody else is in a couple, in a relationship. | ||
| How ironic that you make fun of those guys, because those are the ones that would rape you and kill you. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's weird that you make them your enemy. | ||
| No, I make fun of the husbands and the boyfriends, too. | ||
| Ah, that's a good move. | ||
| But sometimes the ones who are by themselves will get creepy mad at me afterwards. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I should stop picking on them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dudes are creepy. | ||
| They're dangerous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Picking on dudes is dangerous. | ||
| Well, picking on like happily married or boyfriend dudes, you know, is safer. | ||
| Safer. | ||
| I'm gonna write this down. | ||
| Yeah, write it down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
J.R.E. Lesson 101. Loners. | |
| Don't pick on the loner single dude. | ||
| The quiet loner at the comedy club with his hands inside of his Clint Eastwood, those big jackets from the outlaw Josie Wales. | ||
| What are those things called? | ||
| Trenchcoats? | ||
| Trenchcoats. | ||
| Have you made any music videos lately? | ||
| She has so many hilarious music videos. | ||
| She's a very talented musician. | ||
| One of my favorite songs that she does is called I Bought a Dildo on Amazon and stuff like that. | ||
| Well, let's close with that because we've got to get out of here. | ||
| High quality videos. | ||
| Can we close with that? | ||
| I'm making videos right now, so I'm recording songs. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| A new one will come out soon. | ||
| So can we play that? | ||
| I bought a dildo on Amazon. | ||
| Bought a dildo on Amazon? | ||
| It's so great. | ||
| I prefer... | ||
| Okay, alright. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What do you prefer? | |
| What do you prefer? | ||
| I like, um, can you feel my menstrual pain? | ||
| Okay, let's play that one. | ||
| Can you feel my menstrual pain? | ||
| Esther Koo, thank you very much for being here. | ||
| Or bought a dildo. | ||
| You guys can contact her on Twitter and harass her. | ||
| And Twitter allows you to send pictures of your dick. | ||
| So far. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks. | |
| Feel free. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks. | |
| For now. | ||
| They're about to change that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do they? | |
| You know, I've never gotten a dick pic on Twitter. | ||
| Oh, prepare yourself for a tsunami of veiny man meat. | ||
| Because it's on your way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Guarantee you. | |
| I'd rather have a picture of their butt. | ||
| Your butthole? | ||
| Well, you're gonna get that too. | ||
| I'm into butts more than penises. | ||
| You're into buttholes or butts? | ||
| No, butts. | ||
| Butts are just cuter than penises. | ||
| You're not a penis fan? | ||
| Well, I am, but not looking at it, you know? | ||
| So you just like, you don't like the butthole, you like the butt, like the buttocks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like the butt. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a thick, rump. | ||
| No ingrown hairs. | ||
| Something big. | ||
| Round butt. | ||
| Something thick, something that delivers the bacon, right? | ||
| Ester Coop. | ||
| Alright, you can see her if you want to watch repeats of Girl Code, but they didn't pay her, so she kept moving. | ||
| Can you see, can you feel my menstrual pain? | ||
| You can listen to this and watch this on YouTube, and you can catch Esther all around the fucking world doing stand-up, because she's a gangster like that, right? | ||
| Yeah, Pompton Plains, New Jersey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what's up! | |
| August 8th! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what's up! | |
| Do you have a website? | ||
| I do, funnycoo.com. | ||
| Funnycoo KU. August 15th, Hard Rock Cafe in Atlanta. | ||
| Powerful Hard Rock in Atlanta. | ||
| And all that linked up directly to your Twitter page. | ||
| So if you go to Twitter page, your actual, all your shit, your stats and everything in there, right? | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| I remember it. | ||
| Alright, Brian Redband, don't you have a gig soon? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tomorrow. | |
| Hold on. | ||
| Tomorrow, San Jose with Dean Del Rey, Christian Spice. | ||
| We're at the San Jose Improv. | ||
| And then my birthday show, August 5th, me, you, and a bunch of friends. | ||
| Yeah, August 5th, we will be celebrating Brian Redband's birthday. | ||
| I am going to get a fucking limousine because I ain't driving. | ||
| We're getting fucked up, dude. | ||
| We're going to get you hammered. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| We're going down hard. | ||
| Brian, sweetie, is turning 48 years old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
48? | |
| What? | ||
| That's what I am almost. | ||
| I'll be 48 in August. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No way. | |
| Yeah, I'm almost 48. Dude, I remember when you turned 40. I know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
48? | |
| Time waits for no man. | ||
| Yeah, I'm gonna be 48. I was thinking 43. It's dark. | ||
| No, dude, 48. Damn. | ||
| I was born in 1967. I was born August 11th, 1967. That's crazy. | ||
| So this August 11th, I'll be 48 years old. | ||
| Dude, you're almost 50. Dude, I'm closing on 50. Yeah. | ||
| Dude, Tom Cruise is 50 fucking one. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's just, it's happening. | ||
| But you're doing great. | ||
| Thank you very much, Esther. | ||
| I feel so good now. | ||
| Dudes don't get, I don't get depressed about my age. | ||
| It's like, I get depressed if body parts aren't working correctly, you know, like injuries and stuff like that, but that's just for me being a retard. | ||
| Or it takes longer to recover from an injury? | ||
| I fix all that, though. | ||
| I go to doctors, get injections and all kinds of shit. | ||
| Do you get steroid injections when something breaks? | ||
| Well, steroid injections don't really fix things. | ||
| Steroids can fix things. | ||
| I've gotten steroid injections. | ||
| Cortisone, mostly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a little bit different. | ||
| What it really does, what a cortisone shot does, is really just numbs the pain. | ||
| It actually can become more problematic for people that have injuries because you get a cortisone shot in your knee. | ||
| Or in, you know, your joints or something like that. | ||
| And then while you're working out, you're not feeling any pain, but you're still doing injury. | ||
| You're still grinding on that injury. | ||
| Like Bas Rutten, he's all fucked up because he got cortisone shots in his knees and cortisone shots in his elbows. | ||
| And he kept fighting, you know, like he had all this pain. | ||
| And so we just get cortisone shots and now his joints are destroyed. | ||
| He just was too tough for his own body. | ||
| But I got a stem cell injection. | ||
| I was worried that I was going to have to get shoulder surgery. | ||
| Whose stem cells was it? | ||
| From a woman's placenta. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Total new next level shit. | ||
| Do you guys know that there's a company that collects women's stem cells from their menstrual blood and stores it? | ||
| Planned Parenthood supposedly sells the aborted stem cells and makes money off of that, but that might be abortion talk. | ||
| No, I'm pretty sure that's not. | ||
| It seems like it should be bullshit, but I'm pretty sure there's a real investigation into that. | ||
| Look, it could happen because the cells are viable. | ||
| And the idea of not using them, to me, is more fucked up than using them. | ||
| I mean, if you're going to abort a fetus, shouldn't you at least use those cells? | ||
| Recycle it. | ||
| Use every part. | ||
| But people are worried that people are going to have abortions on purpose to make money for the stem cells. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| But anyway, what they do is when a woman has a c-section, they take the placenta from the c-section and they use it to... | ||
| they harvest the stem cells from this. | ||
| They freeze it and then they thaw it out and inject it into your injury. | ||
| And I had a shoulder that was fucking with me for like a year, like a solid year. | ||
| I'd work out, it would get swollen, I'd ice it, it would get better, but it never totally got better. | ||
| And I could do most things, but it was always in pain. | ||
| I got this stem cell injection two and a half weeks ago because I was worried that I was going to have to get surgery. | ||
| I had one doctor that said to get surgery. | ||
| He's like, you're probably going to need surgery. | ||
| And then another doctor said, I went to an actual orthopedic surgeon. | ||
| He was like, no, you have too much function. | ||
| It moves it too much. | ||
| Let's just try to rehab it and see if those tears, if they'll heal up. | ||
| I got this stem cell shot within two and a half weeks. | ||
| It feels like there's nothing wrong on my shoulder. | ||
| It's fucking crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Because it's supposed to last, like, it's supposed to be like six to eight weeks to when you feel the real impact. | ||
| Then I talked to Daniel Cormier. | ||
| Daniel Cormier, the UFC light heavyweight champ. | ||
| He had a knee injury, and his knee was fucked up, and he was thinking about getting surgery. | ||
| And he was putting it off. | ||
| And I talked to him a year ago about this. | ||
| He's like, I don't know. | ||
| You know, eventually I'm going to get surgery, I think, but I'm trying to put it off. | ||
| He got the stem cells. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| All of a sudden, he's like, it's amazing. | ||
| He's like, right away, it felt better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did you send her a thank you card? | ||
| I don't know who it was. | ||
| Did I give her a hug? | ||
| They don't tell you. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| No, they definitely don't tell you because that woman's stem cells probably went to untold numbers of people because it's a small amount. | ||
| The amount that they had in this little syringe when they injected into you. | ||
| But you're kind of connected to her. | ||
| In some way. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Starting your period in your neck. | ||
| Well, I have some other stuff. | ||
| I have a cadaver joint. | ||
| My left knee has a cadaver. | ||
| No, my right knee. | ||
| My right knee has a cadaver ACL. It's actually a cadaver's Achilles tendon. | ||
| Because Achilles tendon is much fatter than a human ACL. And so they take this Achilles tendon, they open you up, they put it in place, screw it down, and then your body repopulates this cadaver, this dead person's Achilles tendon. | ||
| So it's much thicker than a regular ACL. So my ACL on my right knee is like 150% stronger than a regular ACL because it was an ACL from an Achilles tendon. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Do you have two new inner voices that are new? | ||
| I think that might be my problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think I have too much of dead people parts and baby parts. | |
| You have a girl's voice and a guy's voice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What if you start growing baby teeth on your shoulder? | |
| I don't pull them out with a fucking pair of pliers. | ||
| I'm a man. | ||
| Look, as long as it fixes my shoulder. | ||
| His shoulder starts crying. | ||
| If my shoulder does not get any better and stays right here and doesn't get any worse, I'm fucking super happy. | ||
| Because there's no pain right now. | ||
| I mean, I'm not feeling any pain. | ||
| And I'm still doing all these rehab exercises, so it's all strong. | ||
| I can do things with it. | ||
| I might be able to avoid surgery. | ||
| I think there's just some tears in there, but I'm pretty sure they're healing up. | ||
| Something's going on in there. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| This is some new next level shit happening with those lenses that can make you see way better than 2020. Stem cell injections when you have injuries. | ||
| I've never had anything heal up this quick. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's kind of spooky. | ||
| Because this thing was fucking with me for a long time, man. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| When women have their periods, we lose all our stem cells from the uterus lining. | ||
| They should collect it and store it and use it for when you need a stem cell for your next shoulder. | ||
| I think they're doing it. | ||
| I think they're doing that. | ||
| No, this company went bankrupt. | ||
| We're not bankrupt, but they said enough people didn't get it, so they're not collecting menstrual blood anymore. | ||
| Well, you know, they do them from your own fat. | ||
| So here's a win-win. | ||
| They take the fat out of your love handles. | ||
| They lipo you. | ||
| Oh, that's a good idea. | ||
| You don't need any lipo hooker. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| I do. | ||
| Do they have good money? | ||
| Or is it just an even trade? | ||
| No, you pay for it. | ||
| They don't pay you for your fat. | ||
| Why? | ||
| They can sell it to other people. | ||
| They don't take that much either, dude. | ||
| I have a lot, though. | ||
| Yeah, but they don't take enough. | ||
| Like, you gotta eat vegetables and go running up hills and stop smoking cigarettes. | ||
| You gotta stop what you're doing. | ||
| I can't believe you're back smoking cigarettes again. | ||
| I'm back to smoking cigarettes. | ||
| You smoke three cigarettes a day, right? | ||
| Three cigarettes compared to two packs a day. | ||
| It's still smoking cigarettes. | ||
| You've got to stop. | ||
| Dude, I swear to God. | ||
| You know, I talked to that writer that was in here. | ||
| This is one of my biggest fears. | ||
| I worry about you getting sick. | ||
| I really do, because you're always smoking. | ||
| You were, at least for a long time. | ||
| I worry about it. | ||
| That's one that gets you, and once it gets you, you're like, fuck, I could have avoided this. | ||
| It's so scary to be close to someone and care about them, like I care about you, and then see you smoking and know that that's eventually going to get you. | ||
| Can you just bite your nails? | ||
| No, I think they need to make no smoking at the comedy store. | ||
| That's not going to ever happen. | ||
| That's never going to happen. | ||
| We just need to go to vapor cigarettes. | ||
| Just go to vapor cigarettes and just tell yourself you can't smoke cigarettes. | ||
| I need to get a new vapor. | ||
| Dude, you got free for a while. | ||
| How long did you get free for? | ||
| A couple months? | ||
| Like, yeah, a month, month and a half, something like that. | ||
| You can do it, dude. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| Oh, I know I can do it. | ||
| You just have to want to do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just say when you're going to stop smoking cigarettes. | ||
| Give yourself a couple weeks. | ||
| You just started smoking, right? | ||
| Not cigarettes. | ||
| Weed? | ||
| You smoke weed, Esther? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Wait a minute, you smoke pot? | ||
| That's how she makes this great music. | ||
| We smoked pot with her right before the show, Brian. | ||
| Do you think I forgot? | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| Alright, Esther, thank you so much for being on the show. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| It was a lot of fun. | ||
| It was always cool hanging with you at the store, so I'm glad we finally got a chance to do this. | ||
| You're a cool chick, Esther. | ||
| Thanks for having me. | ||
| Cool human being. | ||
| I shouldn't qualify that you're a woman. | ||
| You're just cool. | ||
| A cool gal. | ||
| We love ya. | ||
| And Brian, again, tomorrow night he'll be at the San Jose Improv, which is one of the coolest clubs in the country. | ||
| It's a fantastic club. | ||
| Used to be an old theater. | ||
| Really sweet, sweet setup in that spot. | ||
| With the great Dean Del Rey. | ||
| And if you're a Harley Davidson fan, there's an extra bonus. | ||
| There'll be Harley Davidsons on stage. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow, are you serious? | ||
| Dean's sponsored by Harley. | ||
| So he brings motorcycles on stage every show? | ||
| Oh yeah, they do. | ||
| They set the Harleys on stage with him. | ||
| He gets a free Harley. | ||
| He rides his own Harley that they gave him. | ||
| And then at the end of the year... | ||
| Because he used to work for Harley. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And they're sponsors of him now. | ||
| Maybe I could get sponsored by Penn's. | ||
| You could totally get sponsored by pens, but you could get something probably better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like tampons or some shit. | ||
| You should go for that. | ||
| What's your favorite thing in the world? | ||
| Besides dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Besides dick. | |
| Jesus Christ, Joe. | ||
| You can't get sponsored by dick. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| What's your favorite thing that you get sponsored by? | ||
| How about some kind of food? | ||
| I love donuts. | ||
| Donuts. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Krispy Kreme. | ||
| We need a Krispy Kreme sponsorship. | ||
| With you on stage, with a box of Krispy Kremes, and in the middle of your act, you start chewing donuts. | ||
| Something bigger? | ||
| A bigger company? | ||
| Yeah, because Dean has motorcycles. | ||
| Let's talk about it. | ||
| Maybe everybody in the audience gets his donut. | ||
| That's a lot of donuts. | ||
| That's a lot of money. | ||
| A lot of water wasted. | ||
| We're in a drought. | ||
| What about Samsung? | ||
| Oh, look at Brian holding it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How casual. | |
| Alright, we're out of here. | ||
| Esther Kuh, we're going to play this, Can You Feel My Menstrual Pain? | ||
| Again, E-S-T-H-E-R-K-U on Twitter. | ||
| Thank you so much. | ||
| To everybody else, we'll be back next week, so thanks for tuning in. | ||
| Much love. | ||
| Big kiss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bye-bye. | |
| Bye-bye. | ||
| I want to know, can you feel my menstrual pain? | ||
| I want to know. | ||
| Can you feel my menstrual pain? | ||
| Bleeding down my legs today. | ||
| When I get that PMS, I shove this face beneath my dress. | ||
| Oh yes! | ||
| Don't be scared of my red slime. | ||
| And when I start feeling cramps, he always eats me like a champ. | ||
| It's damp. | ||
| I'm retaining water. | ||
| I wanna know, can you feel my man strobing? | ||
| I wanna know, can you feel my man strobing? |
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