July 22, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:53:38
Participants
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Alright, we're live. | ||
| We're going in. | ||
| I'm here with Nick DiPaolo, Brian Redband. | ||
| Hello, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| And we're looking at the tunnel that they dug under, I believe his name is El Chapo. | ||
| Yes, El Chapo Guzman. | ||
| Respect. | ||
| Respect for, you know, forget about all the terrible shit I'm sure that guy has done. | ||
| Listen, you gotta give props when they're due. | ||
| This guy had, I mean, he's got a fucking plan. | ||
| He executed it like a goddamn Clint Eastwood movie. | ||
| I know. | ||
| This is a movie. | ||
| I've hired contractors who don't do work that good. | ||
| That tunnel was perfect for Christ's sake. | ||
| And he was in jail for a year, so I wonder if it took a year for them to do this. | ||
| Oh Christ. | ||
| I wonder how they did it. | ||
| Probably got a crew of six and they did it in three hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They dug a fucking mile tunnel. | ||
| There's a video of him going into the hole, too. | ||
| See if you can find the video. | ||
| Because you actually see him go, well, see ya. | ||
| He just fucking... | ||
| He just goes over to by where his toilet is and just steps down into... | ||
| I'm not kidding, man. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's crazy to watch. | ||
| Yeah, there's a staircase. | ||
| It's like a movie, and it's going to end with Trump, you know? | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And the movie's going to be Trumped. | ||
| Do you know his son said something, he texted something, or tweeted something to Trump. | ||
| Jesus Christ, how terrified must Trump be right now? | ||
| Can you imagine this fucking guy who can dig a tunnel a mile under the ground? | ||
| He comes up behind Trump's house. | ||
| He's trying to kick your ass. | ||
| Isn't it weird that history is tweeted now? | ||
| Like, in the past it used to be by horse and message carrier, and now it's tweeted. | ||
| Yeah, so strange. | ||
| So strange. | ||
| People on the run have, you know, access to Twitter. | ||
| When you find out something happened, like somebody died, what do you do immediately? | ||
| I go to Twitter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Immediately. | ||
| I just go, look in the timeline. | ||
| Depends. | ||
| Depends who it is. | ||
| Depends who it is that died? | ||
| Might check my space on a couple of those guys. | ||
| Yeah, you would see R.I.P. Leonard Nimoy was a big one for me. | ||
| I was like, oh, fuck. | ||
| Spock? | ||
| Fucking Spock died? | ||
| And immediately I went to Twitter and bam, it was right there. | ||
| I had a... | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| He's got a motorcycle. | ||
| Sorry, while we're watching this. | ||
| The hunt for El Chapo. | ||
| El Chapo was a fucking motorcycle. | ||
| I had a jug of whiskey. | ||
| Like, what is that jug on the front seat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's tequila. | |
| It's tequila. | ||
| He's going to fucking party as soon as he gets on that thing. | ||
| I want a motorbike and a gallon of cider. | ||
| This is like El Machete. | ||
| I mean, it really is. | ||
| Like, he gets down through the hole. | ||
| There's a motorcycle with fucking liquor. | ||
| On rails. | ||
| And it was on rails. | ||
| Like a ride at fucking Disney. | ||
| And he's gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Tunnel cost five million. | ||
| Took a year to build. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Boy, the authorities are really fuckin' on top of it, huh? | ||
| How funny is that, though, that they take a wild guess at 5 million? | ||
| Bitch, you don't know how much you pay. | ||
| Yeah, where'd they get that price? | ||
| I was just guessing. | ||
| Well, we called Home Depot and they said the 2x4s are at least 60 grand. | ||
| Well, the amount of 30 he had at this place, you know, you think you gotta factor in trucking and union costs? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| This is his toilet. | ||
| So what he did was, they built it right behind the stall. | ||
| So I guess he has like a little bit of privacy there, and that's where they fucked up. | ||
| They gave him like a little bit of shitter privacy. | ||
| Yeah, which, you know, why would you do that? | ||
| Well, now they know. | ||
| You can't give the guy shitter privacy. | ||
| Catch him again. | ||
| Now you have to shit in the front of your cell? | ||
| I mean, come on! | ||
| This is crazy! | ||
| This is like... | ||
| It's a colonoscopy. | ||
| Look, Joe. | ||
| My butthole looks that good. | ||
| I'd be very happy. | ||
| It's that wide and clean. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| It's ready to go. | ||
| It's getting licked out. | ||
| That's all protein powder stuck to the side. | ||
| Fucking green energy drinks and Joe coffee and all that. | ||
| Tail shakes and mousse. | ||
| Ground mousse. | ||
| That's my prostate. | ||
| The wire hanging out of it. | ||
| Electronic prostate. | ||
| Did you see they're going to be able to make artificial penises? | ||
| They said within the next five years they're going to have lab-created penises. | ||
| I'm already on the list. | ||
| You didn't hear about this like a year ago? | ||
| Can you imagine having the first generation of them? | ||
| Well, I was in Miami the other day, and I saw this woman that had an artificial butt, like the most obvious artificial butt I've ever seen. | ||
| Yeah, those look bad now. | ||
| It was so bizarre. | ||
| It was so strange. | ||
| But what happened was, she just went crazy. | ||
| You know, she didn't say, well, I'm going to get a little butt lift, add a little... | ||
| No, she went nuts. | ||
| Here's El Chapo. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| Watch him walk through this. | ||
| This is hilarious. | ||
| He's just hanging out. | ||
| Yeah, you know, just in my cell, another day, no big deal. | ||
| And then they give him like a knock, knock, knock. | ||
| He goes, all right, let's fucking do this. | ||
| Goes back there, steps down, and boom, it's over. | ||
| How the fuck? | ||
| How the fuck do you not respect that? | ||
| And for him, five million, like what a bargain, you know? | ||
| It looked like he was doing that trick that people do when they walk behind a wall at a party and they go like... | ||
| All your friends do that when you're drunk. | ||
| The fake staircase trick. | ||
| Yeah, the fake staircase trick. | ||
| That's exactly what it looked like. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And he's gone. | ||
| He's gone. | ||
| For now. | ||
| There had to be some cooperation. | ||
| That was a little too easy. | ||
| I don't know why you would assume that. | ||
| You know, you always think the worst of people. | ||
| And I think that's one of your faults, buddy. | ||
| Which is one of my fucking strong points. | ||
| When you look at that, it's like, I mean, that's about as clear an example of an inside job as you're ever gonna fucking get. | ||
| Nobody heard digging? | ||
| Nobody heard nothing? | ||
| Nothing? | ||
| Motorcycle starting up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Do you guys even notice that there's one lone house that was just built a mile away? | ||
| You didn't notice? | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Yeah, where was the output? | ||
| Was it a house? | ||
| I thought I heard a dirt bike starting up in El Chapo. | ||
| No, no, no, no, nothing, my friend. | ||
| I smell whiskey. | ||
| They had a jug for him. | ||
| The guy outside there, he gets a fucking jug of whiskey, or whatever was in that jug. | ||
| Definitely had to be tealer. | ||
| I'm assuming it was booze. | ||
| Maybe a little water, fellas. | ||
| I mean, it was a ton of... | ||
| Well, he had a regular cell, so it wasn't like Goodfellas style. | ||
| Remember those guys? | ||
| The lobsters and the steaks coming in. | ||
| They're slicing the garlic with the razor blade. | ||
| You always knew how to make the sauce. | ||
| That fucking sauce. | ||
| I tried that after that. | ||
| I tried slicing the garlic with the razor blade. | ||
| It's very annoying. | ||
| Yeah, it's too much work. | ||
| It's not worth it. | ||
| It's so not worth it. | ||
| My grandmother wouldn't even do that shit. | ||
| That's the kind of shit you do when you're in jail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| There's no pussy. | ||
| You're lost and trapped in this horrible environment where people tell you what to do every day. | ||
| Just decide to find out new ways to chop garlic. | ||
| But some people did live like that, right? | ||
| Like, that's real shit. | ||
| Like, really didn't have, like, cordoned off areas in jails. | ||
| How the fuck did they ever pull that off? | ||
| Same way El Chapo. | ||
| But that's even kind of crazier, because at least El Chapo you could kind of say you didn't know until the end. | ||
| If there's a whole section of your jail... | ||
| Yeah, everybody's paid off. | ||
| ...that has, like, carpets over the fucking bar so you can't see in, and you smell cooking, and the guards are getting mad because they don't have fans, so they're frying steaks in there, and it's... | ||
| Smoke's getting everywhere. | ||
| Those two guys that broke out of upstate New York? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| In that prison, you were allowed to put sheets up to block the view of the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You could put sheets in the front of your cell. | ||
| Yes, that was allowed. | ||
| So it became like a really shitty apartment. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| Exactly. | ||
| I mean, how is that allowed in a prison? | ||
| That doesn't seem like prison-ish. | ||
| Up in Hillbillyville, I mean, what the fuck? | ||
| That's gotta be one of the weirdest things about being in a prison, is that you don't, no one sees, you see everybody. | ||
| Like, no one has any privacy. | ||
| You're like constantly exposed to each other. | ||
| That's very unnatural. | ||
| Just that alone. | ||
| I mean, you gotta, but obviously, you see something like this, where all he had was like a little, little tiny wall, Over the shitter. | ||
| Like next to the shitter. | ||
| I don't even like shitting at Fenway. | ||
| You know, I can't imagine being in a cell with another guy three feet away. | ||
| There's those decisions you have to make though, right? | ||
| Like airport shits. | ||
| You gotta go, we're just gonna do this. | ||
| Regardless of how disgusting it smells in there and what was in the toilet already. | ||
| Sometimes you just gotta get rid of a package. | ||
| Those are the worst. | ||
| The airport. | ||
| Especially international terminals. | ||
| You get 11 different odors coming out of 11 different stuff. | ||
| You get curry next to you. | ||
| Fucking coffee from Columbia. | ||
| It's a food court. | ||
| I was in Miami the other day, and I had to go through immigration. | ||
| And when I was going through the immigration thing, there's this giant fucking line of people. | ||
| And everywhere you look, there's the Ebola signs. | ||
| There's these signs, like, if you have an elevated temperature, don't do this, don't do that. | ||
| And they have all these... | ||
| There's like four or five Ebola signs right in front of me. | ||
| Warning, have you been to Liberia? | ||
| Have you been to... | ||
| We were in Costa Rica. | ||
| It's Liberia, but it's spelled Liberia. | ||
| You know, my wife is like, are we going to get Ebola? | ||
| Like, is there Ebola in this fucking... | ||
| No, it's Africa, Liberia. | ||
| Thus, the need for borders, Joe. | ||
| But what about those poor people that have Ebola? | ||
| What are we, all the fucking everybody in the world that fucking... | ||
| I just don't think that we deserve it. | ||
| I know you don't. | ||
| You've been taught to hate this country. | ||
| No, I love this country. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| But why don't you think we deserve it? | ||
| Nicholas, will you hate this America country? | ||
| I love this country. | ||
| I just think that other people, they're fucked. | ||
| We need to help them. | ||
| They're in trouble. | ||
| We are. | ||
| What kind of taxes are you paying? | ||
| There's not enough. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| We'd be paying way more if we were actually helping Africa. | ||
| Oh, that's true. | ||
| We're rebuilding. | ||
| If we rebuild Iraq, imagine if we just decided to do that, just start rebuilding infrastructures of cities, just without war. | ||
| Just go in there, big-time government contracts, just rebuild Liberia. | ||
| Liberia, if you've never seen it, there's a Vice documentary on it. | ||
| They have a summer home over there. | ||
| Inside or outside the shit way? | ||
| This is like an area where people just shit on the street. | ||
| You want to make sure you're not downwind of that. | ||
| Real estate prices vary. | ||
| It's like being north or south of the boulevard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just the smells knocked on your property value? | |
| Well, Shane Smith from Vice went down there years ago. | ||
| And they did this documentary on how crazy Liberia was. | ||
| You'll love this. | ||
| One of the things that happened in Liberia is, I believe it was a place where they put a lot of slaves once they were set free. | ||
| Once, like, American slaves that went back to Africa, I think that was also a big part of Liberia, and the government collapsed there. | ||
| If you're really interested in the story, don't listen to it from me, because I'm going to butcher it. | ||
| But Shane's Vice piece kind of details where that country went wrong, and it's fucking chaos there now. | ||
| They're serving on these little carts where they serve food on the side of the road. | ||
| They were serving human meat. | ||
| And you know how this guy recognized it? | ||
| You can get that on La Cienega. | ||
| The guy recognizes it because he had eaten human meat. | ||
| So he knew what it tasted like. | ||
| So he turned the guy in. | ||
| What part of that story was I supposed to love? | ||
| You go, you'll love this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Then you go into the slavery part. | |
| You go, you'll love this. | ||
| And you went right into the slavery part. | ||
| Like, I'm pro-slavery. | ||
| That's not what I'm saying. | ||
| You'll love this because it's fascinating. | ||
| You love it because it's fascinating. | ||
| Not because you love it. | ||
| I didn't say specifically why you love it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're reading into this, Nicholas. | |
| I'm just saying, everybody does that to me. | ||
| They torch me with that shit. | ||
| You have one too many appearances on Fox News. | ||
| They're just like, Nicholas, you're our go-to guy. | ||
| They won't even have me on anymore. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They're like, he's just too racist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I'm not fucking racist. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| I'm kidding. | ||
| I'm kidding. | ||
| As soon as you say that, I win the argument, Joe. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| That is true. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That is true, right? | ||
| That's one of the first... | ||
| You're racist or you're sexist or you're misogynist. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| By the way, all words that were made up, they're not even part of fucking Latin. | ||
| They were made up for the causes. | ||
| I don't know if you know that. | ||
| I'm a fan of America. | ||
| We don't go by Latin language. | ||
| We have American English. | ||
| We're done with that Latin shit. | ||
| We add on to it as we like. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Cisgender. | ||
| You've got to start adapting that. | ||
| Don't you understand what that means? | ||
| Cisgender? | ||
| Do you know what that means? | ||
| No. | ||
| That means if you are heterosexual and you are the gender of your birth. | ||
| So if you are a heterosexual white man, you are a cisgendered white man. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Let's just adopt it. | ||
| Let's get something straight. | ||
| Let's add it on. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Let's keep adding them on. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Gender is not a social construct. | ||
| Can we get that? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Some girl was sucking my social construct last night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Stick that, you fucking lesbian pipe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The garlic and the sauce. | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| How fucking outrageous a statement by Nick De Palma. | ||
| Gender's definitely not a social construct. | ||
| There's males and females. | ||
| But there's also a spectrum inside that male and female. | ||
| And there's women who are men or men or women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| I think that's absolutely real. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I don't think you can deny it at a certain point in time, right? | ||
| No, that's just biology. | ||
| But I'll say cisgender just because it's fun. | ||
| Just because I feel silly saying it. | ||
| It's got the word cis in it. | ||
| It almost sounds like a pro-lesbian thing. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Cisgender. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm bro-gender. | ||
| Bro-gendered? | ||
| That's a guy who wants things the old-fashioned way. | ||
| No, that's a reactionary. | ||
| Yeah, reactionary, I used to think, is just someone who reacts to things quickly. | ||
| Everybody did. | ||
| It's a right-wing. | ||
| It's reacting to things in a right-wing slant, right? | ||
| Because somebody said that about my act, about me being a reactionary. | ||
| Like, what do they mean? | ||
| Does he mean I jump down the throats of hecklers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, it sounds like that's what it should mean. | ||
| That's exactly right. | ||
| It's what everybody thinks initially. | ||
| That's one of those weird words. | ||
| Like, make up a new word. | ||
| Why do you have the same word as reaction? | ||
| Cis-reaction. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I mean, like, you already have reaction. | ||
| We all know what that means. | ||
| And everybody knows what airy means. | ||
| You add it, you're doing it, right? | ||
| You're reactionary. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Why are you making a new definition, you fuck? | ||
| Why am I looking at you? | ||
| Like, Brian made a dictionary. | ||
| I know, Brian was yelling at Webster over there. | ||
| I tried to say one-thousandth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good one. | |
| One-thousandth. | ||
| That is not easy. | ||
| One-thousandth. | ||
| And I can't do it. | ||
| One-thousandth. | ||
| One-thousandth. | ||
| Yeah, I had to think about that. | ||
| Can you do that? | ||
| What? | ||
| One-thousandth. | ||
| One-thousandth. | ||
| That's not easy. | ||
| That's a weird one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You did. | |
| You totally did. | ||
| See, I just fucked it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| But you had to concentrate. | ||
| One-thousandth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| Yeah, it's a weird one. | ||
| What if you had a hair lip? | ||
| It's a real bitch. | ||
| I was like freaking out for a half hour last night. | ||
| Is Jacqueen Phoenix, is he like the most successful hair lip guy ever? | ||
| Or is it the guy who is Stacy Keach? | ||
| Which guy? | ||
| Has that ever been asked? | ||
| It's the best question I've ever heard. | ||
| I think it's a good question. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stacy Keach, that's right. | |
| He had a hair lip too. | ||
| He's dead, right? | ||
| He just died. | ||
| I believe he did. | ||
| He did, didn't he? | ||
| I believe he did. | ||
| Or am I confused? | ||
| I always confuse Stacy Keach. | ||
| What was that show he was on? | ||
| He's been on a lot of stuff. | ||
| He had a detective show? | ||
| Oh, wait a minute. | ||
| I think Keech is alive. | ||
| I'm confused, and I'm with a guy that was... | ||
| Jamie will find out. | ||
| Is he alive? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All right, Stacey. | ||
| He does the ONA introductions for Opie and Anthony. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| See if you can find Stacey Keech reading Opie and Anthony introductions, because it's fucking awesome. | ||
| I always confuse him with a guy that was in, you know, what, with De Niro and Charles Grodin. | ||
| You know, the road movie. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Midnight Run. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's the guy's name? | ||
| He reminds me of Stacy Keach, a handsome guy who just died. | ||
| He's dead, by the way, with a mustache that played the bad guy, Serrano. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| This is what happens when I sleep two hours a night. | ||
| Do you remember his name, Eric? | ||
| No? | ||
| Making some motions over there. | ||
| I was going to go to you. | ||
| Go to my backup guy. | ||
| There's a few of those guys like that. | ||
| Like, Stacey Keech was always in those... | ||
| Charles Grodin? | ||
| No, not Grodin. | ||
| The guy that played the bad guy. | ||
| He's been in every... | ||
| Dennis Farina. | ||
| Yes, Dennis Farina. | ||
| He just died a little while ago. | ||
| Yeah, he died. | ||
| He died. | ||
| Which shocked me. | ||
| He looked like a healthy, handsome guy who was going to live forever. | ||
| He did. | ||
| I wasn't being sarcastic. | ||
| He did look healthy. | ||
| He was very vibrant. | ||
| He was a Chicago cop in real life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, that's probably the stress. | |
| You're probably right. | ||
| Probably drank like a fish, right? | ||
| Well, I was talking to this lady yesterday, Dr. Rhonda Patrick, this brilliant doctor, and she was talking about the effects of aging on the effects of partying, drinking, and just bad health, and how much it can age your body, age literally your biological body. | ||
| I don't know why I'm looking at you. | ||
| But Dennis Farina... | ||
| I'm going to try that. | ||
| I'm 41 next week. | ||
| But Dennis Farina, it's good stuff. | ||
| I'm afraid you don't freak out in here. | ||
| No, you'd be alright. | ||
| You sure? | ||
| We're friends. | ||
| We'll be together. | ||
| I'll hold your hand. | ||
| But, uh, Dennis Farina, by going through all those years as a cop, you gotta think the fucking stress of that. | ||
| You pay for that. | ||
| You pay for that for a long time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's one of the reasons why he was so believable, like in Snatch. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| How good was he in Snatch? | ||
| Oh, that's right, he was in Snatch, yeah. | ||
| You believe, even though he was sort of tongue-in-cheek while he was doing it, he was still on board that he was that fucking guy. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah, he was a good actor, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he bummed me out. | |
| I was kind of sure. | ||
| That was a bummer. | ||
| But listen to this Stacey Keach thing. | ||
| This is the Stacey Keach, Opie and Anthony thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
New York City, 6 a.m. | |
| An out-of-control satellite radio show is being broadcasted to millions of Americans. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| Here's the bit. | ||
| At the controls, Reg Hugh, the father. | ||
| I would love to say we have the best job in America. | ||
| Anthony Cumia, an alcoholic. | ||
| It could be the best thing ever. | ||
| And Jim Norton, a comedian. | ||
| Out loud. | ||
| How do we explain the show? | ||
| We should start there. | ||
| Oh, here it is. | ||
| The three men make up the Opie and Anthony Show, a popular radio program known for its cringe style of entertainment and having very few limits. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| This is a freak show. | ||
| Why would anybody want to come on this show as a guest? | ||
| Under the right circumstances, something weird could happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't give a fuck. | |
| Laugh out loud, fuck. | ||
| Which I love. | ||
| That's what I love. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In the past, they have been accused of multiple FCC violations and have even gotten their show suspended from satellite radio. | |
| When you listen to our show, you know what you get. | ||
| You know what we are. | ||
| Everything has to do with cock or balls. | ||
| You know, the jokes all end up talking about cock and balls. | ||
| You're a waste of life. | ||
| Fucking listen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go fucking die. | |
| Everything you are about to hear is real. | ||
| Real people. | ||
| Real excitement. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Get ready to experience the thrill of a lifetime. | ||
| This is the Opie and Anthony Show. | ||
| So powerful. | ||
| That's a good voice. | ||
| That's about as good an intro as any radio guy's ever gotten ever. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Just have Stacey Keach read your intro like that. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't know that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe Rogan started his podcast five years ago. | |
| Well, I started that podcast because of Opie and Anthony. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Yeah, Brian and I, we had done some other shit before. | ||
| We had done, like, Justin TV, and we had done, like, these little things where, you know, you do, like, a little live read off the laptop camera and talk to people and answer Twitter questions and shit. | ||
| We fucked around with that a few times. | ||
| But when Anthony set up his green screen in his basement and started doing that live from the compound show, I was like, whoa. | ||
| And Tom Green. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tom Green's house. | |
| Insane. | ||
| He had servers in his house. | ||
| Like those fucking long, giant fucking sewer cables running through his living room. | ||
| Oh, he had the whole deal! | ||
| He had a whole server room. | ||
| You would go in the room and it was everything. | ||
| Those hums of the fans and shit. | ||
| You're like, whoa! | ||
| I talked to him Monday. | ||
| I had him on a show, and he meets at this donut place now. | ||
| He has a studio now in Burbank. | ||
| He moved it out of his house. | ||
| And he meets at this donut place next door for his studio audience. | ||
| He'll periscope and go, anyone who comes to this donut place, you can be a part of my studio audience. | ||
| And then they all go over to his studio, and they do the show in front of people. | ||
| Just complete strangers he meets at a donut place. | ||
| That's perfect for him. | ||
| Yeah, he was a super pioneer. | ||
| Tom Green's show, that fucking original MTV show, very, very underrated show. | ||
| He's a pioneer. | ||
| Yeah, he's a funny fan. | ||
| And a good dude, man. | ||
| Very, very good dude. | ||
| Yeah, he's a good dude. | ||
| We need more of them down here. | ||
| I think he was on that fucking celebrity pool show that I did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Was he on that too? | ||
| And that girl from Mad TV? I had that on video. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, he was on that, I'm pretty sure. | ||
| PCV's always been like a really cool dude, you know? | ||
| Just an interesting, weird guy. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| Didn't start doing stand-up until later in life, and got really good. | ||
| Like, he had a Showtime special, and I was sitting in front of the TV, and I think he'd only been doing stand-up like four or five years. | ||
| And it was funny. | ||
| It was funny, it was well written, it was well put together, he had really good points. | ||
| It's a bit about texting, what people's thumbs are gonna look like and how they're gonna change. | ||
| It was fucking hilarious. | ||
| It was really good. | ||
| It was like well acted out. | ||
| I was like, this guy looks like a 10-year comic. | ||
| But it's just because he had done so many other things, he was like really used to performing. | ||
| Comfortable in front of people. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Tom Green's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He killed it Monday, man. | ||
| He had the crowd going crazy. | ||
| He did a 25-minute set, too, on the show. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| He's good. | ||
| He's working hard, too. | ||
| That's another thing about that guy. | ||
| He's always doing something. | ||
| He's always working. | ||
| He doesn't rest. | ||
| He's always trying to improve things. | ||
| So him, that definitely influenced us. | ||
| But Opie and Anthony did by the way they held their show. | ||
| They were the only show that I ever went on that was a hang. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I brought guys in. | ||
| I'm like, hey, this is my friend Eddie. | ||
| This is my friend Brian. | ||
| This is my friend Joey. | ||
| This is my friend Ari. | ||
| I brought guys in. | ||
| And they were like, you know, who's this guy? | ||
| Bring him in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, and they're just so cool like that. | ||
| What they did was they turned it into like a fun place to hang out. | ||
| So everybody got funnier because of that. | ||
| Like, it was way, like, Patrice, the kind of shit Patrice did on ONA, you literally could not have done that on any other radio format, because people had to know Patrice, give him the room, like, let him get these rants out, you gotta know, like, when the rants are coming, you gotta help him along, and you gotta not, like, wanna be the center of attention. | ||
| Like, they had the best, the best, uh, control of the room, because, like, Opie would just lay back. | ||
| He would just lay, like, literally, you'd see him push back and let Norton and Patrice and you, you guys would all be fucking yelling at each other It would be hilarious. | ||
| Well, it's smart, actually. | ||
| I mean, when you've been doing radio that long, trust me, there's nothing better than having good guests where you can sit back and let them, because you're tired of carrying this shit. | ||
| But think about how few shows are ever like that. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| No, it's a great recipe. | ||
| So few shows. | ||
| When you did that show with Artie, did they have a format they had you guys stick to? | ||
| The radio show? | ||
| Well, yeah, because that was a unique situation because we were also on TV. Right. | ||
| Simulcast, so direct TV. That was weird. | ||
| So there had to be more structure, which to me was the problem. | ||
| And I already wanted less structure, too. | ||
| The minute TV got involved, which is where they allowed us to get paid what we did and stuff, But, you know, it takes kind of the fucking craziness. | ||
| You can get away with a lot of shit on radio. | ||
| You can get away with a lot of shit on radio, and you can get away with a lot of shit on the internet. | ||
| And when you look at something that's on DirecTV like that, I'm like, boy, isn't there a better way to advertise? | ||
| Can't you guys have just like a ticker at the bottom? | ||
| Wouldn't that be a better way to advertise? | ||
| It just seems like breaking it up. | ||
| And doing every 15 minutes, you do like however long it is, like seven minutes or eight minutes off the air where it's just bullshit and commercials, then you come back. | ||
| It breaks up the whole flow. | ||
| Like conversations, like the best conversations, like this conversation, like we're having fun. | ||
| It's organic and it keeps going. | ||
| Yeah, we're banging. | ||
| If we go, all right, we'll be right back. | ||
| We have a word from, and then we'd have to start all over again. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's momentum and rhythm. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| It's like the difference between driving on the highway and taking side roads. | ||
| Like, if you took side roads and there's an open highway next to you, you're an asshole. | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| You know? | ||
| But some people, they take the fucking side roads, goddammit. | ||
| Side roads driving motherfuckers. | ||
| I'll tell you that, that Waze app, do you have that on your phone? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Because, you know, I lived out here 15 years ago. | ||
| I don't remember the streets of the fucker. | ||
| I've been relying on this thing all week. | ||
| It's been taking me around traffic. | ||
| You know, I'm supposed to be on the 101. It kicks me off, and I'm looking at people sitting in traffic. | ||
| And like you said, up over hills and shit, but I'm still moving. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| I'd rather move and be late. | ||
| But you're not even late. | ||
| It gets you there faster. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking unbelievable. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Do you hear what they're doing, though? | ||
| Some people in neighborhoods are pissed off because sometimes Waze will direct it through their neighborhoods. | ||
| So now these people in neighborhoods are putting fake, like... | ||
| Reports. | ||
| Yeah, once again, selfishness rubs. | ||
| Goddamn selfish motherfuckers, Nick DiPaolo. | ||
| A little traffic in the fucking Bel Air area. | ||
| Yeah, well, you remember when the... | ||
| And cops, too. | ||
| Cops are pissed because it lets people know where the cops are and seeing as, you know, it seems to be open season on that. | ||
| Well, cops are faking it. | ||
| That's a legitimate point. | ||
| Cops are faking it. | ||
| They're, like, putting fake cop, like, warnings up in spots. | ||
| So people are, like, looking around everywhere. | ||
| Good, they're fighting back now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that where we... | |
| We're fighting back with deception. | ||
| I don't think that should be legal because it's our tax dollars. | ||
| I don't want to pay tax dollars if somebody's fucking lying to me. | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| You're lying to Waze? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How dare you? | |
| It's like this shit that's going on. | ||
| What was this other case? | ||
| Oh, PETA and SeaWorld. | ||
| That a SeaWorld guy had infiltrated PETA and was working from the inside at PETA to try to destroy PETA by saying a bunch of ridiculous shit, and he was an employee of SeaWorld. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| That would be a good documentary. | ||
| I hope I'm getting that right. | ||
| Let me make sure I'm getting that right, because it might be the other way around. | ||
| Either way, it would make for a great movie. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That'd be like a good Jim Carrey movie. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are you guys ready for Divorce Fest this year? | ||
| Once the Ashley Madison passwords get put into a searchable database online? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it's going to cause a wave of shit. | |
| It's going to be crazy. | ||
| We finally let gay people marry each other, get that right. | ||
| Now regular marriage is fucked. | ||
| I'm looking at all my friends' wives going, huh... | ||
| You're next. | ||
| That's why I stick to whacking it. | ||
| It's a good move. | ||
| It's a good move. | ||
| It's way safer. | ||
| PETA says, undercover SeaWorld employee posed as animal rights activist. | ||
| So I did have it right. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Really overzealous SeaWorld employee, like Paul Blart mall cop style. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jeez. | |
| That would be a great movie, dude. | ||
| It would, you're right. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You could just call somebody. | ||
| You know, if I was in the movie world, I would call somebody. | ||
| Melissa McCarthy will be the whale. | ||
| Oh, how dare you. | ||
| I love her. | ||
| I think she's the funniest woman around. | ||
| She's very funny. | ||
| She's very physically funny, for sure. | ||
| She's very talented. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's funny, because Billy Gardell is a funny comic. | ||
| You know Billy, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They don't, like, on the show, he's almost like a straight guy. | ||
| Of course. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| Wouldn't want the husband getting one over on the wife, would you, Joe? | ||
| They don't allow that. | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| What's up with that? | ||
| Because jerk-offs run Hollywood. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Is that what people want to see? | ||
| Do people want to see that? | ||
| No, they don't want to see that. | ||
| Fucking Hollywood's been hijacked by fucking feminists. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You really think so? | ||
| Am I wrong there? | ||
| If you guys can't relate to that, I'm fucking leaving. | ||
| You haven't noticed a pattern of emasculation in movies in the last 20 years? | ||
| I think there's people that are seriously concerned with coming off as progressive. | ||
| And even if they think differently than what would be the progressive choice, they will make the progressive choice because they get social brownie points. | ||
| I definitely think that's true. | ||
| But I don't think that pertains to sitcoms. | ||
| I think it's not as funny if the dude gets over on the chick for some reason. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it is. | |
| Oh, dude, come on. | ||
| This is a true story. | ||
| I might have told you this on the last time I was here. | ||
| I had a deal with, this was years ago, with Dennis Larry's company. | ||
| We'd come out here and take a bunch of meetings. | ||
| They had a sitcom idea. | ||
| First of all, every meeting, 75% of the room was female executives. | ||
| The first question in every meeting was, what's the wife's role? | ||
| Every fucking one. | ||
| So by the time we got to NBC, which was the last one, And I had fucking had it. | ||
| And they're like, so what's the wife? | ||
| I go, and again, I was just kidding, but I go, I don't know, I see like in the pilot, she's pregnant, and I push her down the cell of stairs. | ||
| And I'm expecting, like, Dennis to start laughing, and Serper goes, Jimmy Serper goes, and they all just look at me, you could have fucking her in a pen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So the next day, Jimmy Serper had to send a dozen roses to the lady from NBC. Oh my god. | |
| You wonder why I can't get a gig? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank God you threw me a news radio and a few breaks under fires. | |
| I'd still be using my fucking, you know, my high school acting. | ||
| You almost got fucked out of the news radio gig. | ||
| Remember, we had to go back and get you. | ||
| That was hilarious, man. | ||
| There was some shenanigans behind the scenes. | ||
| Somebody was trying to get their friend in on the part that Nick was playing, and I had cast Nick as my one brother and Callan as my other brother. | ||
| I'm like, if you want it to be funny, how about I bring you two really funny stand-ups that I'm actually friends with? | ||
| Like, let's just do it this way. | ||
| And so Paul Sims was like, yeah, fuck it. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Like, he saw you, he'd seen some stand-up. | ||
| He was like, you guys are hilarious. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Bring him in. | ||
| And so you came in, and all of a sudden, you know, Nick calls me up and goes, I guess I didn't get the fucking job. | ||
| I don't know what happened. | ||
| I went, what? | ||
| And we had to go back down there. | ||
| They had cast somebody else. | ||
| We made them switch it around. | ||
| I didn't even get home and call you. | ||
| You came running out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember, I was walking to my car. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I was walking to my car going, there's another one down the fucking toilet. | ||
| I'll be back in Boston in another six weeks if this keeps up. | ||
| And Joe comes running out of nowhere and goes, they fucked up the... | ||
| And then I'm going, now I'm saying, thinking to myself, is Joe just being a great guy? | ||
| I don't want to fuck over a guy who actually was better than me in the audition. | ||
| No. | ||
| I didn't, you know? | ||
| No, no, it wasn't that at all. | ||
| It wasn't that at all. | ||
| You was already decided. | ||
| See, I didn't know that. | ||
| Somebody snuck in. | ||
| The decision was made by Paul, who was the executive producer. | ||
| He thought you were hilarious. | ||
| And he loved the idea, since we're already friends. | ||
| Like, this would be perfect. | ||
| Don't know each other. | ||
| And we look like we could be brothers. | ||
| We have this antagonistic relationship on the show. | ||
| You know, Callan and I beat the fuck out of each other. | ||
| He throws me through a glass window. | ||
| It was like stooges. | ||
| It was fun. | ||
| I got thrown through one of those candy glasses. | ||
| You don't even feel it, man. | ||
| It just dissolves. | ||
| You go flying, you hit it, and it just dissolves. | ||
| It's real weird. | ||
| You're waiting to get cut open. | ||
| You're waiting like, oh, it's going to be ugly. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| Yeah, that was fun. | ||
| And we had another scene where we were supposed to, I don't know if we were beating you up or one of the brothers, but we were hitting you with a glass coffee pot over the head, and we started stomping on you, and they watched you through the thing, and they go, it looks like Goodfellas. | ||
| It looks like you're killing somebody. | ||
| Apparently I was too Italian for this. | ||
| I had the suit jacket on. | ||
| I'm doing this like De Niro. | ||
| I'm stomping on it. | ||
| With a fake glass coffee pot. | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
| That sugar glass. | ||
| Yeah, that was fun. | ||
| I forgot about that. | ||
| You know, it's funny how your memory fucks with you. | ||
| Well, that's weed, Joe. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| 20 years. | ||
| That was 20 years ago. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't want to hear that. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| I think it was. | ||
| No, it has to be. | ||
| It was 95. You're right. | ||
| I was out in L.A. in 95 to 99, so it was one of those years. | ||
| And that's what I can't believe. | ||
| I'm driving around out here. | ||
| I'm looking at people who were my age when I came out here. | ||
| Yeah, the cycle. | ||
| I mean, gay guys used to look at me out here. | ||
| They don't even look at me now. | ||
| Even gay guys, I get offended. | ||
| We can work on a few things and we can get it back. | ||
| We can get it back. | ||
| You're a handsome guy. | ||
| P90X it again. | ||
| Last time you were here, you were telling me about you did the P90X. You lost a ton of weight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I did. | |
| You got a real fit. | ||
| I did that. | ||
| You know, I'm supposed to do it for three months. | ||
| I did it for like 13 months and turned my hips into fucking fine powder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So now I'm doing Sean T. I'm doing Sean T. 30 minute insanity. | |
| You gotta stay with it! | ||
| You gotta stay focused! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got to stay within yourself! | |
| You got to stay focused! | ||
| What's better? | ||
| P90X or that? | ||
| Is this all body weight? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah, there's no way. | ||
| You know what, Joe? | ||
| It's pretty close. | ||
| I did this insanity thing. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| I fucking like it. | ||
| And here's the funny thing, Joe. | ||
| Here's the hilarious thing. | ||
| I'm doing this, and I figure everybody in the video is in their 20s, and, you know, 30 at the oldest. | ||
| So I'm doing a lot of the modified exercises. | ||
| You know, they always have the fat chick in the front that's doing modified exercises. | ||
| Everybody else is doing, like, one-hour push-ups, and me and Catherine are going like this. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I go, this will get me in shape by 2046. But you know what? | ||
| It gets your heart rate through the roof. | ||
| I mean, and I just do it to maintain now. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But it works. | ||
| I mean, it's... | ||
| You can get really good workouts from bodyweight exercises. | ||
| This is a bunch of them that you can do. | ||
| There's like a bunch of full body weight routines that you can do that are fucking incredible. | ||
| They'll kill you. | ||
| They'll break you down. | ||
| Yeah, these have the, you know, you're doing those burpee push-ups and suicides and 30 minutes with it, you know, and you get a break like every five minutes, you get like a 10-second break. | ||
| And it keeps my, you know, it allows me to have cigarettes after I work on it. | ||
| You could do that on the Xbox with the camera that records you so it knows if you're not doing the arm high enough. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I need that at this point. | |
| And it tracks how much, like what your person is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's incredible. | |
| I look at my belly if you want to see. | ||
| That'll tell me I'm not doing it right. | ||
| I've always said that that would be a really good way to teach martial arts. | ||
| They have that. | ||
| Do they have it? | ||
| Do they teach it? | ||
| They have all that stuff now. | ||
| And it uses the body tracking and it can tell how much calories you've burned. | ||
| And it's really cool to have. | ||
| That I would like. | ||
| What I mean is to teach you. | ||
| Because if you did an instructional and you're showing a guy how to throw a kick, if you put it on a computer where the lines of the guy's legs were clearly defined, you would know if his knee wasn't high enough or if his hands were down or if his back was... | ||
| Is this it right here? | ||
| UFC has a quick workout with Greg Jackson. | ||
| Oh, and so the one on the right is the guy? | ||
| The little thing in the triangle is the guy? | ||
| I didn't even see that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's you. | |
| That's like the little video of you. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| And it's like, what, infrared or something like that? | ||
| So I could tell where your hot spots are. | ||
| And read your heart rate, too. | ||
| Oh my god, by looking at you? | ||
| Yeah, Xbox One. | ||
| What? | ||
| Are you shitting me? | ||
| It reads your heart rate by looking at you? | ||
| It's thermal camera. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| And we can't beat ISIS, really? | ||
| Are you fucking shitting me? | ||
| Okay, it's because we don't want to be nicest. | ||
| We want to keep an enemy out there. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Do you think that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Oh, here's Frank Muir right here. | ||
| UFC personal trainer hitting the mitts with Frank Muir. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| You throw your punches at his hands. | ||
| How many people are gonna punch their fucking TV? This is a terrible idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you're not standing close to your TV. How many people have punched their TV since this came out? | |
| Oh, people do stand close to their TV, man. | ||
| It's a good idea. | ||
| I think the way it would be better, though, is if it was a split screen and the character, your character, was much larger. | ||
| Right now it's that little green guy that was on the Flintstones sitting on your show. | ||
| Kazoo. | ||
| Kazoo! | ||
| I forgot! | ||
| That's what it looks like. | ||
| That's exactly what it looks like. | ||
| I'm over here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kazoo. | |
| You remember Kazoo? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Who did the voice of Kazoo? | ||
| I know you can find that. | ||
| What was his voice? | ||
| Because I remember. | ||
| I feel like I used to get it. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I'm doing Kermit. | ||
| Is that you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, it's me right here. | |
| I'm on the shorter note. | ||
| That's not it. | ||
| That's kind of like it. | ||
| Maybe like less gay? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The great Kazoo. | ||
| I'm over here. | ||
| I think it's more gay, actually. | ||
| Who did the voice? | ||
| Harvey Korman. | ||
| Oh, Harvey Korman from the Carol Burnett Show. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Remember him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Funny motherfucker. | ||
| That was a great fucking show. | ||
| He's been gone a while, too. | ||
| Think about that, man. | ||
| Something like the Carol Burnett Show. | ||
| That was a show back when there was only like three shows. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And they were good. | ||
| They were very good. | ||
| The Honeymooners is a good fucking show. | ||
| Awesome, awesome. | ||
| For like that kind of a sitcom, it is a good fucking show. | ||
| My wife, she DVRs the Carol Burnett show now. | ||
| I watch a couple's laughing my balls off. | ||
| They're good, man. | ||
| I mean, the writing is funny and smart. | ||
| What's up? | ||
| Do you want to hear his voice? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, that's... | |
| I don't know what's going on there. | ||
| Listen to it first. | ||
| That's a song. | ||
| The Great Kazoo Song. | ||
| Um, oh, Lucille Ball. | ||
| Like, that was another fucking... | ||
| I Love Lucy was a great fucking show. | ||
| Yeah, I liked the dialogue between her and her husband, but when I got into the silly shit with her falling into chocolate and shit, which is what made her famous... | ||
| Did you think that was hilarious? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She lost me a little bit there. | ||
| I did. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| But well-written show. | ||
| And he came up with it. | ||
| The three-camera shoot thing? | ||
| That was back when it was okay for a white chick to bang a Cuban guy, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They can't do that in there? | ||
| They beat up by it. | ||
| Well, Cuba was, like, sophisticated. | ||
| Like, in the 50s, in the 60s, people would go down there on vacation. | ||
| It was very mobbed up. | ||
| They'd go down there and gamble. | ||
| It was a wild place. | ||
| So a guy from Cuba was like a romantic guy. | ||
| A guy who was a fucking musician from Cuba was like, whoa, this guy's exciting. | ||
| He's exotic. | ||
| It was a good thing for her to be dating this guy with this funky accent. | ||
| Whereas from then on, from the embargo on, it became, you know, this enemy that lived off our shores and the Castro years and all that crazy shit and the Bay of Pigs and the fucking Russian missiles where they're putting missiles in Cuba, facing America. | ||
| It got fucking crazy. | ||
| And that was all post-I Love Lucy, which is pretty fucking fascinating. | ||
| I blame it on her, now that you mention it. | ||
| Now you really put it together. | ||
| That Fred Mertz, I'll tell you, he was a real anti-Cuban guy. | ||
| I saw Carol Burnett last year. | ||
| I saw her in a restaurant. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| She's hanging in there. | ||
| Carol Burnett's hanging in there. | ||
| She looked good, man. | ||
| Is she still alive? | ||
| Yeah, she looked very healthy. | ||
| Very healthy, very vibrant, talking to the waitress. | ||
| She was on a talk show. | ||
| She did. | ||
| She looked... | ||
| She's got to be over 80. She's got to be. | ||
| Way over 80. And how about Betty White? | ||
| She's 82. She's 82? | ||
| I just saw Betty White jogging by this building like 10 minutes ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For real? | |
| No. | ||
| Yeah, that's how you know when things are bad for you. | ||
| Do 80-year-old ladies do it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Then don't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| I used to make fun of these workouts. | ||
| People jumping around in the living room. | ||
| I go, how the fuck? | ||
| These people really think I'm going to get in shape? | ||
| I do this. | ||
| Now I live for it. | ||
| You love those things. | ||
| You do. | ||
| They, uh... | ||
| My problem, and you know this, Joe, when you get your heart rate up, the next two days I'm starving. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I can't stop, and I have no willpower. | ||
| My wife, she's one of these people that, you know, fucking eats anything and doesn't gain weight. | ||
| I can't go to bed until I eat, you know, three sandwiches. | ||
| Like a pig? | ||
| I can't help myself. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| Does weed kill the hunger? | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| Coke? | ||
| Do I have to go back to doing coke? | ||
| Then I wouldn't have to exercise if I did that. | ||
| I think it's just about moderation. | ||
| You gotta give yourself moderation. | ||
| Give yourself one night a week where you really go off and you're allowed to have sandwiches, you're allowed to fucking stay up and eat cookies and milk. | ||
| That's what I do. | ||
| I'll have like a night a week where I just eat like a fucking slob in front of the TV. But that's like going, you know, get a nice blowjob and then fucking no more blowjobs for another six days. | ||
| So you need it again? | ||
| You need those cookies again? | ||
| I have no willpower. | ||
| I don't eat cookies and shit. | ||
| What do you eat? | ||
| What's your thing? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Pastrami. | ||
| No, I'm not even like a junk food guy, but my wife is. | ||
| I open the thing and there's a fucking eight pound bag of smart cheddar popcorn. | ||
| I love cooking for myself late at night. | ||
| Everyone's asleep. | ||
| I cook all the time. | ||
| Sometimes I'll just cook a full meal for myself. | ||
| Late at night? | ||
| Late at night. | ||
| Two o'clock in the morning. | ||
| I'll make vegetables, I'll make some pasta. | ||
| I'm like, why not? | ||
| I'm a grown ass man. | ||
| And you're going to work out the next day. | ||
| Yeah, I pay taxes, goddammit. | ||
| No, you're right. | ||
| Life's too short. | ||
| Yeah, why not? | ||
| I'm a fucking comic. | ||
| If I want to be up at 2 o'clock in the morning, I never went to bed before 4 o'clock in the morning until I was almost 30 years old. | ||
| Yeah, no, I'm the same way. | ||
| Unless I had to work. | ||
| Even now, though. | ||
| Do you make proper meals? | ||
| Or do you make, like, inventions? | ||
| Sometimes it's bullshit. | ||
| You know, sometimes I'll do a Blue Apron. | ||
| I'll do one of those Blue Apron meals. | ||
| Have you ever seen that? | ||
| It's one of my sponsors. | ||
| I'm not trying to work in a sponsor. | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| You don't like that. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| They give you this detailed directions for how to cook something with photographs and all the right portions, all the right food and the right portions. | ||
| And you just cook it. | ||
| You just follow it. | ||
| It's idiot-proof. | ||
| And it's great. | ||
| Like, you don't have to measure anything. | ||
| You just say, oh, next step. | ||
| Open that packet, throw that in there, mix that up, and then put the fish on the grill. | ||
| You know, see? | ||
| And it's... | ||
| Yeah, see, you're making a nice fish in the grill with two in the morning. | ||
| I'm making a six-pound bourgeois, which is, you know, stuff with mozzarella and salami. | ||
| My favorite thing is grilling meat in my underwear late at night. | ||
| Fuck underwear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck underwear? | |
| Your dick must be scarred to shit. | ||
| Yeah, the hot splatters. | ||
| I want to protect my balls and shaft at the very least. | ||
| Everything else. | ||
| I'll deal with a little hot grease splatter on my stomach. | ||
| It looks sexy. | ||
| More wounds. | ||
| Do you still do the kettlebell thing? | ||
| Yeah, I still do that. | ||
| You look good. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| There's a great video I do called the Extreme Kettlebell Cardio Workout. | ||
| It's this one little kettlebell. | ||
| You could do it like a 35-pounder, or if you want to get crazy, go to 45 pounds. | ||
| So it's not a heavy weight. | ||
| Swinging at P. Diddy's, kid? | ||
| No, he swung at the coach. | ||
| That was almost perfect. | ||
| I was in such a rush to get it out, I butchered it. | ||
| This goddamn coffee is delicious. | ||
| I'm on my fifth pot. | ||
| I'm going to have to fucking take a hit of that giant slumminer. | ||
| It might not slow you down. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| It might fucking turn you... | ||
| So what did Pete, did he not... | ||
| He didn't make contact. | ||
| No. | ||
| He swung it. | ||
| Yeah, just being his level-headed self, you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How's that work? | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| He got off. | ||
| He, you know... | ||
| Is it done? | ||
| Yeah, they dropped the chair. | ||
| They didn't want to press charges. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, which probably means a big, huge thing of cash. | ||
| God fucking... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that coach has had a bit of a history himself. | ||
| Like, he's the guy that tripped the guy on the sideline when he was coaching for the Jets. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Against the Miami Dolphins. | ||
| The guy was covering a punt, and, you know, he ran out of bounds. | ||
| And this coach sticks his foot out. | ||
| They got him on slow motion tripping the guy. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I kind of like a guy for that. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| That sounds like a real fun guy to have coach. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sounds like it would be really hard not to beat that guy's ass. | ||
| It's like Sal Ian News or some, you know, some Italian guy from Long Island. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I know almost nothing about sports, unfortunately. | ||
| And when Artie came on to do the podcast, he was so upset with me. | ||
| He was so upset with me. | ||
| I told him I turned vegan and started... | ||
| You're not vegan, are you? | ||
| No. | ||
| But it was like that. | ||
| He was like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You don't follow anything? | ||
| I was like, no, I don't follow anything. | ||
| Not baseball. | ||
| Like, he was like, he was incredulous. | ||
| Like, there's no way. | ||
| Well, you're a UFC guy. | ||
| You got enough going on, don't you? | ||
| I mean, that's the fucking hottest sport going. | ||
| Well, I watch professional pool. | ||
| It's not like I'm not into stupid shit. | ||
| I just don't have enough time for any other things. | ||
| Did you play him in pool? | ||
| Because he can shoot. | ||
| He plays good. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He played good, yeah. | ||
| He's hustling people like in Newark when he was 12. That's what he said. | ||
| I believe him. | ||
| He plays good. | ||
| Artie's a fun dude, man. | ||
| He's a funny fucking dude. | ||
| He was a perfect example of a great joke that, you know, people didn't just cry too soon. | ||
| They said, you can't even say this. | ||
| And this was when Artie said that he was banging this black chick. | ||
| And in the middle of it, she goes, I can't breathe. | ||
| He goes, hey, honey, let's not make this political. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And this was right after Eric Garner was killed. | |
| I mean, it was fucking hilarious. | ||
| And so many people were mad at him. | ||
| I could not stop laughing when I heard it. | ||
| I could not stop laughing. | ||
| Not because I think it's funny that the guy got choked. | ||
| I'm 100% against that. | ||
| But that is a goddamn funny joke. | ||
| That's why it's funny. | ||
| And if you can't see the funny in that, it's either because you're friends with Eric Gardner or you're an asshole. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You don't think that's funny? | ||
| Come on, that's fucking funny. | ||
| That's fucking hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| That's Artie. | ||
| He's a fucking character, man. | ||
| Let me ask you something, Joe. | ||
| I'm doing this club tonight, Ventura Harbor Comedy Club. | ||
| I heard it's really good. | ||
| I'm doing that next month. | ||
| Artie's really good. | ||
| I think Callen... | ||
| No, I haven't done it. | ||
| Callen just did it, though. | ||
| Oh, he did? | ||
| He said it was amazing. | ||
| I think it was Callen? | ||
| Yeah, I'm pretty sure it was Callen. | ||
| Or Duncan? | ||
| Who the fuck did it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it was Callan. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I've heard great things. | ||
| Yeah, I'm there next month. | ||
| That area is very ignored. | ||
| Like Ventura and into Santa Barbara. | ||
| Santa Barbara's very ignored. | ||
| That's what worries me. | ||
| It's a great spot. | ||
| No, it's cool. | ||
| No, I mean ignored by comics. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Yeah, fucking Santa Barbara's one of the best places. | ||
| You know, and if you go out there, they don't... | ||
| Well, it's not that far up, thank God. | ||
| No, Santa Barbara's an hour from here. | ||
| No, but this isn't Ventura. | ||
| This isn't Ventura. | ||
| Ventura's close. | ||
| It's 45 minutes. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| That's a good spot, man. | ||
| You know, they're doing a levity out there. | ||
| They're going to do a levity out in that area. | ||
| Are they really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I saw it the other day. | ||
| I was driving by. | ||
| Maybe they'll let me do the one that's 20 minutes from my fucking house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe they'll do it. | |
| Are you going to live here again? | ||
| No, there's one. | ||
| I live in Westchester County, New York. | ||
| I thought you meant out here. | ||
| And you go over the Tappan Zee Bridge. | ||
| It's literally the levity live there at the mall. | ||
| It's like 22 minutes from me. | ||
| And I haven't done a weekend yet. | ||
| Never? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| How dare they? | ||
| Oh, they have problems. | ||
| But I'm doing one in January, finally. | ||
| Jesus Christ, levity live. | ||
| Oh, you're booked. | ||
| You are booked. | ||
| In January. | ||
| But for the first time. | ||
| I should have done it eight times. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking... | |
| I mean, I did Wednesdays there, which is fun. | ||
| Have you been in that one? | ||
| No, I haven't been there. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Great. | ||
| I went over there going, oh, Jesus. | ||
| That's what we need. | ||
| Another club in a mall. | ||
| You walk in there, it is fucking gorgeous. | ||
| The sound system is as good as anything I've ever talked into in my life, and it's just a gorgeous club. | ||
| I'm plugging you guys. | ||
| Thank you guys that didn't book me for three years. | ||
| You're welcome. | ||
| Best sound system I've ever heard in a club, or any place, is... | ||
| That Terry Fedor theater at the Mirage, where everybody performs? | ||
| If it's over 400 seats, I don't know about it. | ||
| Diaz was on stage, and I was in the back of the room, and I could hear him crystal clear. | ||
| Because, you know, they designed that for the Terry Fedor guy, the ventriloquist. | ||
| If you're a ventriloquist, like, clear sound is super important. | ||
| So the whole room is just, like, sound engineered. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I never thought of that before. | ||
| So, like, a club like Laugh Boston had a problem when they first opened. | ||
| They fixed it. | ||
| I worked there and it was great. | ||
| But before, they had like an acoustic problem. | ||
| I think you told me that. | ||
| Somebody told me that and they fixed it too. | ||
| I think it was Ari. | ||
| I think it was Ari. | ||
| Because Ari told me. | ||
| I had never worked there, but Ari worked there in the beginning. | ||
| It was like, you know, there's some problems here. | ||
| People are struggling to hear shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the worst. | ||
| Have you ever done a gig like that? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You've done, like, those Boston comedy gigs? | ||
| Well, the improvs. | ||
| Like in Pittsburgh, you could hit fungos in there and fucking practice punting, and you couldn't hit the ceiling. | ||
| The key to a good comedy club, and how people who open comedy clubs don't know this at this point, because comedy clubs have been around for fucking ever, is a low ceiling. | ||
| It's the first thing you want. | ||
| It keeps the energy in the room, in the comic's face, in the audience's face. | ||
| That's the first thing you do. | ||
| I get to the improv a couple years ago, like somewhere in Pittsburgh. | ||
| I'm like, hello, hello. | ||
| I sounded like Lou Gehrig doing that speech when he's, I'm the luckiest man, man, man on the face of the earth. | ||
| And they couldn't understand me, Joe, between my Boston accent and between the fucking echoing. | ||
| I was playing to like 400 Guatemalans. | ||
| They're just staring at me. | ||
| I can't understand this person. | ||
| That's the worst. | ||
| Then I'd just go, Jack Lambert. | ||
| The whole crowd would go nuts. | ||
| It's the worst when they can't hear you. | ||
| It's the most frustrating thing, but one of the most frustrating things about being a comic. | ||
| How about when you can't hear yourself? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like the monitors aren't working or something? | ||
| That's bad. | ||
| It's like talking into a dead microphone. | ||
| That really fucks me up. | ||
| You have to scream a whole show. | ||
| I did a show in Vegas once where I had to scream my whole show because they couldn't hear me because it was so echoey and stuff. | ||
| By the time I was done, I didn't even have a voice anymore. | ||
| But sometimes when the monitor, and you can't hear yourself, so you tend to talk louder, but they can hear you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Maybe that was it, too. | ||
| Yeah, that happens, too, though. | ||
| People are like, why is he yelling? | ||
| Why is he screaming? | ||
| I did a bachelor party once, and I had a little carry-on speaker. | ||
| A little tiny, like one of those things you would plug into a guitar to practice in the basement. | ||
| That was what they had. | ||
| They had a speaker, and they had a cord that was plugged into it, and this really tinny microphone. | ||
| And I'm standing right in front of the guys. | ||
| They're like, right where you are. | ||
| And I'm holding a microphone. | ||
| I'm like, why do I even have a microphone? | ||
| You guys are right here. | ||
| This is the most ridiculous fucking show of all time. | ||
| Just standing in a bar in a basement somewhere in Boston, doing comedy, holding a microphone, looking at guys right in front of me with, you know, my voice is loud. | ||
| For some reason it's so stupid. | ||
| Didn't you do a gig? | ||
| You did a gig, one of those Boston gigs, that was one of those, there was a disco, where they would clear out the dance floor. | ||
| In Quincy! | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Did you get to fight with somebody there? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, probably. | ||
| I don't think there are any punches thrown. | ||
| That was the rumor. | ||
| The rumor was that Nick beat the shit out of somebody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| I've been in two fights, and we talked about this last time. | ||
| I've been in two fights in my life, as far as comedy, and they were both at clubs called Giggles. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| One was in Seattle, and one was in Saugus. | ||
| They had nothing to do with each other. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's telling you something. | ||
| I shouldn't be at a place called Giggles. | ||
| Yeah, but I know the one you're talking about. | ||
| Quincy. | ||
| It was a one-nighter. | ||
| We all did it. | ||
| And like you said, the people be dancing and shit. | ||
| All of a sudden, the needle go across the record. | ||
| And all of a sudden, they put a bag over the crystal ball that's spinning over the dance floor. | ||
| And here comes Joe Rogan. | ||
| And people are still dancing. | ||
| They turn around. | ||
| They wouldn't even tell the people there's a comedy show. | ||
| They didn't even know there was going to be a comedy show, and you're up there, how are you folks? | ||
| They're like, fuck you, we want to dance. | ||
| It's so stupid. | ||
| They did so many of those. | ||
| And good comics would do it. | ||
| I remember Jonathan Katz talking about it, and Barry Crimmins. | ||
| You needed the money. | ||
| If you needed the money, and you lived in Boston, it's an easy gig. | ||
| You drive an hour, you make 200 bucks. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And you could do, in the 80s, you could do, Christ, like 18 months in, I was closing two or three rooms on a Friday night, coming home with $600, $700 in cash. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Can you imagine that? | ||
| There were so many outside booking agents, between Billy Downs and Barry, and then there was a bunch of other smaller ones, and there was like Shari Hirsch and Norm LaFoe, they had gigs like in Western Massachusetts, John Shuler if you wanted to go to Connecticut, and everybody, like Boston Comedy had so many fucking rooms, man. | ||
| Every pub, and people always ask me that when I started out, every pub and restaurant in New England, not just Massachusetts, You can look at my book my first year. | ||
| I'd be at like a ski lodge in Burlington, Vermont on Monday night. | ||
| Tuesday night at a Chinese restaurant in Providence, Rhode Island. | ||
| Wednesday night back in the city at Stitches. | ||
| You know, Thursday at a Mexican restaurant in Franklin, Massachusetts. | ||
| If you ever talk to Louis C.K., he's got them all memorized. | ||
| He can tell you. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He still remembers them. | ||
| I remember Mike Clark calling me. | ||
| I've been in the business about eight months. | ||
| It's snowing like a bastard. | ||
| I'm living on Comm Ave in Boston in a shitty apartment. | ||
| Mike calls me one in the afternoon. | ||
| He goes, you want to do a gig in New London, Connecticut? | ||
| I look outside. | ||
| There's a blizzard. | ||
| The snow is blowing sideways. | ||
| We've already got like 11 inches. | ||
| I go, yeah. | ||
| He goes, you want to work my brother Lenny? | ||
| You know, Lenny was our idol then. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm fucking, I'll be there. | ||
| I'm talking about a three-hour drive, and it's blizzard. | ||
| I get there, it's me and Lenny, and there's nine people in the audience. | ||
| And the guy goes to Lenny, I need an hour out of you. | ||
| Like, real sternly. | ||
| And Lenny's like, okay, motherfucker. | ||
| He starts giggling to me. | ||
| And then we're sitting at the table, and he goes to the guy that owns the play. | ||
| He goes, Dick, come on, sit down over here. | ||
| About two minutes into the conversation, Lenny knocks a cup of coffee over on me. | ||
| I know he did it on purpose. | ||
| It was so intentional. | ||
| So he knocked it on you? | ||
| No, he knocked it on the guy. | ||
| He was going to make him do an hour. | ||
| And he was like, oh, sorry, Jesus Christ. | ||
| And then he's laughing. | ||
| Lenny's laughing and winking at me. | ||
| And then Lenny goes on and does an hour without taking a break. | ||
| Like, there was 600 people there. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I mean, that's when I was like, oh, my God, that's a headliner. | ||
| He didn't take a break. | ||
| It was one 60-minute run-on sentence, and he murdered those nine people. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I couldn't even figure out how to get the mic out of the stand, Joe. | ||
| It was one of those clip mics. | ||
| I'm like, the fucking thing comes unplugged. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And Lenny goes on, and I go, oh my God, that's how it's done. | ||
| And I don't mean working the audience. | ||
| I mean an hour of jokes in front of nine people. | ||
| That was that style of comedy, too. | ||
| Like, Lenny embodied that style, that fucking attack style of comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, there was... | ||
| Lenny was one of the first guys that I ever worked for. | ||
| I worked for Warren MacDonald. | ||
| I opened up for him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Remember Warren MacDonald? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| I opened up for him in, like, Chicopee Mass. | ||
| That's George's older brother. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| George MacDonald, who was an open mic night guy when I was coming up. | ||
| My first open mic, he was the host. | ||
| Was he really? | ||
| Oh, Christchia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Wow, that guy's been around. | ||
| Yeah, it said Comedy Hell on the... | ||
| Yeah, Comedy Hell in stitches, yep. | ||
| The first night I pulled up, I saw the marquee. | ||
| I almost went, I don't want to do this. | ||
| That was that cool little room, too. | ||
| That little room only fit like... | ||
| What did that fit? | ||
| Like 100-something people? | ||
| About 100, probably 125 people. | ||
| Yeah, at the most. | ||
| What a great little room. | ||
| I was opening for... | ||
| Lenny had his own show on Friday night there. | ||
| And this is when I was going back. | ||
| It was my second year. | ||
| I had just moved down to New York. | ||
| I hadn't moved down to New York. | ||
| I was driving back and forth. | ||
| We had an apartment, me and Louie, down here. | ||
| I had to go back to Stitches. | ||
| I took the train back. | ||
| And the train was late and shit. | ||
| So I'm late getting to Stitches. | ||
| It's Lenny's show. | ||
| And Kenny Rogerson's like the middle and shit. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| I'm the rookie on the show. | ||
| I get there late. | ||
| Kenny's already on. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| So they are like furious. | ||
| So I go out. | ||
| Stitches had a little ticket booth. | ||
| That's how you entered the stage, from the ticket booth on the side. | ||
| So I go out there. | ||
| I don't have more than 20 minutes, right, Joe, at that point? | ||
| I don't have 20 good minutes. | ||
| I run out of material. | ||
| I'm like, good night, everybody. | ||
| I go, good night. | ||
| I go to... | ||
| Go off stage. | ||
| That door's locked. | ||
| So now I'm up on a stage. | ||
| I can't get out. | ||
| The only way I can get out is to jump off the front of it. | ||
| The audience is staring at me. | ||
| The door's locked. | ||
| They won't let me in the... | ||
| So I go back to the microphone and I start going, so what do you do for a living? | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| They wouldn't unlock the door for like five minutes. | ||
| And then I went over and I go, come on guys. | ||
| And now the audience is laughing at me and shit. | ||
| And then Kenny Roddison opened the door. | ||
| He goes, fucking be on time, motherfucker. | ||
| That was a lesson. | ||
| Those road gigs were often hazardous. | ||
| Is that where you did your open mic, your first one at Stitches? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was my first time, August 27th, 1988. That was Jonathan Katz. | ||
| He was the host. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| I did it the spring before. | ||
| And I remember... | ||
| Oh, fuck, man. | ||
| A couple really good comics went up that night, too. | ||
| Like, guys that were local guys would go in town to do the open mic, like pros. | ||
| But the big one... | ||
| Well, there was a couple of big ones, but Teddy Bergeron was the biggest one. | ||
| Teddy Bergeron slayed it so smooth as silk, and I remember being just the rawest of raw. | ||
| First day ever open mic. | ||
| You can't get any raw. | ||
| I remember watching Teddy Bergeron just going, fuck, he's so smooth. | ||
| He was just so slick. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| He would emcee some of the open mics at Stitches, and he'd go on as a character called Alston Brighton, which is the two towns... | ||
| He'd do this English accent. | ||
| And I'm going, this guy was on The Tonight Show. | ||
| He sucks. | ||
| He was just doing some character. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello there. | |
| Good to be here. | ||
| Stitches. | ||
| And just do these shitty jokes on purpose. | ||
| And I'm going, this guy was on The Tonight? | ||
| Because you don't know anything about comedy then. | ||
| I go, how the fuck has this guy been on The Tonight Show? | ||
| With Johnny Carson. | ||
| And I go, who is it? | ||
| I thought his name was Alston Brighton for the first six months. | ||
| And then I see him at Knicks one night. | ||
| Get like a standing ovation. | ||
| Yeah, you see him do his real act. | ||
| Do his real act. | ||
| And I was like, Oh my god, I know nothing about what I do. | ||
| Did you ever see his Tonight Show set? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Fucking genius. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| One of the best Tonight Show sets ever. | ||
| Yeah, it's in that movie when stand-up stood out. | ||
| They show I'm sitting down, I think, in that movie. | ||
| But yeah, killer. | ||
| And then he just went off the rails. | ||
| But when he was in his prime is when Nick and I... Nick was like, you were like a little bit ahead of me, like maybe a year, I think. | ||
| Something like six months to a year. | ||
| The spring of 87 was my first opening. | ||
| So we were both there when Teddy was in his prime. | ||
| Like when he was just hot and fucking just smooth and just would go up there. | ||
| He had this style. | ||
| It was so casual. | ||
| Like there was a lot of guys like Lenny had this amazing style of a fucking attack. | ||
| And he would just bam, bam, bam, bam. | ||
| But Teddy would go up and make it look so effortless. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He was the only one, you're right, that wasn't doing that Boston attack. | ||
| He had his own... | ||
| He was a little more evolved, I think. | ||
| He was so good. | ||
| He was so good. | ||
| But the alcohol is what... | ||
| Pills, alcohol, the whole deal, whatever it was that grabbed him. | ||
| I did one night with him in Nahant, right? | ||
| And I get there, and I'm opening for him some restaurant like in Nahant. | ||
| And then he comes in, and I bring him up. | ||
| And as I'm coming off the stage, he goes, I'm double parked. | ||
| Move my car. | ||
| So he gives me his keys, and I go out and I move his car. | ||
| And I come back in, and I'm watching him. | ||
| And I'm having a few drinks. | ||
| And then I get in my car, and I go see this girl in Lynn that I was seeing at the time. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| I call and check my answer machine messages, you know, at my house in Woburn, my apartment, and it's a beep! | ||
| Uh, Nick, uh, Teddy Bergeron. | ||
| Yeah, it's, uh, the show ended an hour ago. | ||
| You have my fucking keys, my car keys. | ||
| I left with his keys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beep! | |
| Another message. | ||
| It was like eight messages. | ||
| He's now, now, and he's a horrible, like, alcohol will kill this guy. | ||
| So the next beep, it's like 40 minutes later. | ||
| Nick, you fucking asshole, I'm fucking still at the fucking club! | ||
| I had to fucking, you know, find him and get him his keys, but he left like six messages and he was getting more drunk. | ||
| I played him over and over for comics I know. | ||
| He couldn't even talk. | ||
| It's like four and more. | ||
| I was with this girl who I wanted to bang for years, you know? | ||
| And I fucking, after the first few messages, I go, I'm not leaving here for another one. | ||
| I go, he's fine. | ||
| He's in the bar, you know. | ||
| And the poor bastard was stranded there until, I don't know, I'd come to him at 3 in the morning, maybe? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe it was good that you didn't give him his keys and drove drunk. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He wasn't drinking, though, when I left. | ||
| I think I drove him to drink. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because he eats messes. | ||
| You could hear him getting worse. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| And I'm fucking sitting there, you know, I didn't check my messages for a while after I got to that girl's apartment. | ||
| That's my Teddy Bergeron story. | ||
| I missed that disco gig. | ||
| The disco gig had already closed by the time I was getting paid. | ||
| I heard about it when I was doing open mics. | ||
| The Quincy dance floor? | ||
| Yeah, the one that you got on. | ||
| I did one that was in the waiting room of a restaurant. | ||
| And the stand-up mic, it was a Mike Clark gig. | ||
| It was a one-time only. | ||
| It was only me, one-man show. | ||
| And they canceled it right after I did it. | ||
| I called Mike as soon as I got home. | ||
| It was the most ridiculous thing. | ||
| The PA system was attached to the stand-up microphone. | ||
| And it was a big fish restaurant down the Cape. | ||
| So that there was this big waiting room of people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I know. | |
| You know that, kid? | ||
| Do you know it? | ||
| So you'd be on the stage. | ||
| So I'm saying, there's no way we can do this unless Johnson party at two. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your table's ready. | |
| Johnson party at two. | ||
| And the first time they did it, I just went, no fucking way. | ||
| This can't be real. | ||
| And it was so ridiculous that the audience just started laughing. | ||
| Like, whereas I was probably bombing before that. | ||
| It probably wasn't going so well. | ||
| Nobody knew there was going to be a comedy show. | ||
| They had a band. | ||
| The band stopped. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| I never did that. | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| I don't remember if they introduced me. | ||
| My memory fucking blows. | ||
| Sometimes I get real crystal images of really important shit. | ||
| But other times, when you told me that I ran after you in the car, I was like, God, I swore I called them. | ||
| No, you got me on the way to the car. | ||
| Yeah, but now that you say it, now I know that I ran out. | ||
| But I'm like, why did I have that stupid fake memory in my head? | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Because I remember you running out, and I'm going, oh, fuck. | ||
| Is he going to yell at me? | ||
| I must have fucking blown this audition. | ||
| I think dreams kind of fuck with your past memories. | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Because I dreamt something once a long time ago, and I remembered that I had told somebody about this dream, and then I forgot that that was... | ||
| You thought it was a real thing? | ||
| A part of it wasn't real. | ||
| Because I was talking about my friend, and I was like, oh yeah, and she works, I think, at this place downtown. | ||
| And I'm like, wait, no, that's something I dreamt. | ||
| Brian, that's weed, man. | ||
| It's not good for your money. | ||
| You guys don't believe any of that? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not at all. | |
| I remember too much shit. | ||
| Well, that is not going to wipe it out completely. | ||
| I remember way too much shit. | ||
| I think short-term, though, for sure. | ||
| Short-term, yeah. | ||
| No doubt about it. | ||
| It fucks with it short-term. | ||
| We could be talking about something and I'll go, what did we just say? | ||
| There's like blips of missing information. | ||
| But I think that those blips exist because there's a vacuum created by all this new shit that's flying at you. | ||
| And I think the new shit's flying at you, if you're still trying to hold on to your thought you just had a couple moments ago, you're resisting the zen of the experience of the marijuana. | ||
| See? | ||
| If you just relax... | ||
| It's funny, because it's a catch-22, because I have insomnia. | ||
| I have fucking horrible time. | ||
| It doesn't matter what time zone I'm in, what planet, what state. | ||
| If I go to bed, I wake up two hours later. | ||
| Do you wake up angry and complaining? | ||
| No, I feel good. | ||
| I feel rested for that moment. | ||
| But I'm not going to get up. | ||
| It's only 4 in the morning, right? | ||
| So I try to go back to sleep, and then I'll wake up an hour and a half later, and then I'll wake up at 8, and then I feel horrible. | ||
| And it's affecting me on stage. | ||
| Even now, when we're just telling stories, a couple of names, I couldn't remember. | ||
| What were we talking about? | ||
| You need a new mood. | ||
| I couldn't remember the actor's name, you know? | ||
| And it's fucking weird. | ||
| But everybody's like, yes, you smoke weed, it'll put you to sleep. | ||
| But it also, I know it does a number on your memory if you get in the habit of doing it, right? | ||
| Yeah, well... | ||
| I think if you did it every day, all day, it would definitely fuck you up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| But, I think if you do it a little bit every now and again, it's good for you. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I think it relaxes you. | ||
| You should do melatonin. | ||
| Dude, that's the first thing everybody suggests. | ||
| Or XMT. Dude, I've tried everything. | ||
| I've drank cat piss. | ||
| I've fucking... | ||
| Whoa, that's your problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what's keeping you up. | |
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| It's loaded with caffeine, isn't it? | ||
| Did you get it right from the source? | ||
| It's all this fucking anger. | ||
| No, it's, uh, I've done all that shit. | ||
| Have you ever had that cat shit coffee? | ||
| You ever heard of that coffee called Kopi Luwak? | ||
| It's a cat shit or raccoon shit? | ||
| What's a civet? | ||
| I think it's like related to a cat. | ||
| I don't think you have to go any further with the conversation. | ||
| I'm all set, thanks. | ||
| I'll stick, I'll stick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These people, they figure... | |
| Sank was the perfect reference. | ||
| Sank was perfect. | ||
| Folgers Brothers, two words. | ||
| Sank is one. | ||
| Sank is perfect. | ||
| Jesus Christ, that is so fucking funny. | ||
| Do you remember Sank at you? | ||
| I do. | ||
| There's this animal called civet, and it eats the coffee beans and then shits them out. | ||
| And when it goes through its digestive tract, the digestive enzymes break down the outer layer of the coffee. | ||
| We got something for that. | ||
| It's called a coffee filter. | ||
| I don't need it to go through a fucking cat's ass. | ||
| You fucking feline cunt. | ||
| You're missing the point, sir. | ||
| The digestive enzymes or juices of the cat's stomach make it a smoother, smoother coffee. | ||
| And this company's where? | ||
| In Liberia? | ||
| Where they're still wiping their ass with banana leaves and rocks? | ||
| Yeah, they eat a bunch of cranberries and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, that's the little animal. | ||
| Look at that little fucking ferret-looking. | ||
| Look at the poop. | ||
| It looks like a... | ||
| What's that candy bar? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a payday bar. | |
| That's the That's the shit! | ||
| I ate two of those for breakfast this morning! | ||
| That's how paydays are made. | ||
| That's a fucking payday bar! | ||
| See, that bean, those beans have all been sort of stripped. | ||
| Yeah, I'm all set. | ||
| I'd rather have a Colombian guy crushing him with his bare feet. | ||
| So apparently their bodies don't digest the actual bean itself. | ||
| Yeah, apparently. | ||
| So they eat the outside. | ||
| The outside of a coffee bean, I read somewhere, that green, there's like the outside of like the juice from an actual coffee bean. | ||
| It's green, the bean is green before it... | ||
| Yeah, and it was like a little red too, but it's supposed to be really good for you, whatever that is. | ||
| Yeah, I saw that on Dr. Oz, and I actually ordered this shit. | ||
| It's supposed to help you lose weight. | ||
| That Dr. Oz motherfucker, though. | ||
| I know, I know. | ||
| I googled the motherfucker. | ||
| I said, he's so handsome, I have to order this shit. | ||
| Got mad at him. | ||
| The American Medical Association, very mad at him. | ||
| Yeah, they got pissed at him. | ||
| He had to go before Congress because of some fake diet pill shit. | ||
| He got owned. | ||
| Did he get owned? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It was ugly. | ||
| But it's amazing. | ||
| He's still on the air. | ||
| He couldn't get owned that bad. | ||
| Yeah, but that's just because he's Oprah's bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Somebody she went after Oprah on her day. | ||
| Oprah just starts peeling off numbers. | ||
| You know, what do we have to do to make this go away? | ||
| Oprah has to get Oprah's money. | ||
| Glad she went away finally. | ||
| Well, she went away because she made more money than any human being ever. | ||
| And she's like, what the fuck's the point of doing this talk show anymore? | ||
| No, nobody wanted to hear from her anymore. | ||
| She can't even get ratings on her own fucking network. | ||
| How dare you, Nick DiPaolo. | ||
| Please dare you. | ||
| She fucking... | ||
| First of all, these ratings are racist. | ||
| There's a bunch of white males running that rating board and they deny Oprah's real, true ratings. | ||
| That probably would be the argument in court today. | ||
| They don't even know. | ||
| How accurate do you think they really are at knowing ratings? | ||
| Nowadays, they're way more accurate because I heard they're actually getting numbers from cable boxes and stuff nowadays. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Can they do that without your consent? | ||
| I like the Nielsen family myself. | ||
| It's probably in that big contract at the beginning when you turn on your cable box. | ||
| Probably, right? | ||
| The Nielsens were like, how many families? | ||
| There were three. | ||
| They lived right next to me. | ||
| Fucking loud, obnoxious. | ||
| Always had the TVs on. | ||
| There wasn't that many people. | ||
| They still do it, right? | ||
| They still do it. | ||
| Do they really? | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| I thought they just knocked on your door and said, what do you want? | ||
| How many Nielsen families are there? | ||
| They still do it. | ||
| I remember growing up, my friend's dad was like a vice president of this big insurance company, and they had one on their TV. So it was kind of weird that they had one. | ||
| There's Leslie Nielsen. | ||
| That's not the same. | ||
| That's one of the families. | ||
| There's a... | ||
| That's a funny guy, man. | ||
| Think about that guy. | ||
| That guy's entire life. | ||
| 300 homes, 1,300 apiece. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Okay, two largest local... | ||
| Oh, this is New York and Los Angeles. | ||
| We'll have their sample sizes increased by 300 homes next year. | ||
| About 1,300 apiece. | ||
| So that's New York and Los Angeles. | ||
| This is 2,600. | ||
| This is in 2014. 2,600 homes of people. | ||
| But that's just 2,600 homes in... | ||
| That's... | ||
| But that's just in New York and L.A. That's 51,000 Puerto Ricans right there. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you, Nick DiPaolo? | ||
| Look at the left coast. | ||
| Can't laugh at any of this shit. | ||
| Everybody just climbs up. | ||
| It's all fucking nervous because it's turned into Mexico. | ||
| You're afraid to fucking laugh at it. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| It's just more liberal out here, right? | ||
| Do you think it's more liberal out here? | ||
| Do you feel the difference when you just stand there? | ||
| Well, I haven't really done stand-up, but just going into her to LAX, I can see it's much more liberal. | ||
| Going into her? | ||
| Hertz. | ||
| Oh, Hertz. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I didn't see anybody that spoke English. | ||
| A guy mumbling to me in some accent. | ||
| It was rudder. | ||
| The place was rudderless. | ||
| No fucking manager. | ||
| 40 people in line. | ||
| Three people behind the counter. | ||
| Nobody taking charge. | ||
| Nobody that looked like me. | ||
| Nobody that looked like you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, no, you can fucking live in this world and put up with that shit, but... | ||
| You can't do it? | ||
| No, I can do it. | ||
| I'm just saying. | ||
| You asked me. | ||
| No, it's much more liberal up here. | ||
| White men renting me my fucking cars. | ||
| No, that's not what I'm saying at all, Joe. | ||
| Just let the white guy fucking manage it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| It's one thing we can do. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| Listen to you guys. | ||
| You've been out in 2015. Yeah, it is. | ||
| Why don't you wake the fuck up, Brian? | ||
| Wake the fuck up, Brian. | ||
| It's all about white car rental managers. | ||
| I'm just, now you asked me if it was much more liberal. | ||
| I'm fucking kidding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm fucking kidding. | |
| These are jokes, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Oh yeah, I forgot you had advertisers. | ||
| No, not right now. | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I do them later. | ||
| I splice them in. | ||
| You even have control over that? | ||
| Yeah, I think that's the way to do it. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Yeah, because this way we just have a conversation. | ||
| The other way of interrupting, doing it in the beginning was always awkward because the guests would be sitting there and I'd have to go through five minutes of stupid ads. | ||
| And then doing it in the middle was always out of the question. | ||
| So now I just do it this way. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| It looks like in 2005 Nielsen started using things like TiVo and cable boxes and stuff like that and even finding when people turned off a show so they even know how accurate as if the first commercial break if people left the show. | ||
| So it's super accurate now. | ||
| That's some big brother type shit right there. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| I mean, the only way to find out, really, is you gotta do that. | ||
| Why does it bother us? | ||
| Because it doesn't bother us when you see, like, YouTube hits. | ||
| You know? | ||
| If you put up a YouTube video and it gets 17 million hits, well, it's all right there. | ||
| You can see it. | ||
| 17 million hits. | ||
| Yeah, they don't want you to know the numbers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| In radio, it's hard to get numbers. | ||
| It's real hard to get numbers in radio. | ||
| Well, they don't want you to know. | ||
| You could be making them a ton of money. | ||
| They're going, no, you only have 70 listeners. | ||
| This is why we're... | ||
| I don't think they know. | ||
| When it comes to radio, like that Arbitron book, I think that is just a fucking guess. | ||
| Yeah, the whole thing's a mess. | ||
| It's a guess. | ||
| They keep changing it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Now they have things. | ||
| People walk around with a clip under their belt, and they're supposed to click it if they're listening to it. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| They're not going to click that. | ||
| No, exactly. | ||
| And if they do, they're assholes anyway. | ||
| You don't want them. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You're wearing that? | ||
| I don't want you as a listener. | ||
| Unless you're getting a lot of money for that, dude. | ||
| Unless they're giving you like 500 bucks a week to wear that stupid thing. | ||
| I don't know why you would wear that. | ||
| So it could be like a Shazam-based thing. | ||
| So as things are playing, you listen to it. | ||
| But even then, you know what I mean? | ||
| Shazam picks up. | ||
| You know that app? | ||
| Do you know it? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| If there's a song playing and you don't know what it is, what the fuck is that song? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| You hold it up and it'll tell you instantly. | ||
| Yeah, my wife told me. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| Like, it doesn't even make sense that it works. | ||
| And it works so well. | ||
| Like, you look at it happening, and you're going... | ||
| That is... | ||
| It's instant. | ||
| It just knows the beat. | ||
| They should have that if, like, you're in a nightclub, and you're gonna... | ||
| Pick up a chick, you hold it up to her and see if she's fucking crazy, you know? | ||
| Tells you her IQ. I don't think it would work that way. | ||
| But if they could tell you your heart rate from Xbox One, imagine if you could fucking put it in front of a girl and just tell you how crazy she is. | ||
| They give you like a 1 to 10, just scans her body and lets you know, like, look what's going on in her hand. | ||
| There's a fucking ping-pong game happening right now. | ||
| They're different personalities and throwing balls at each other. | ||
| Let's go home. | ||
| We're religious. | ||
| I'm a child of God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's suck his cock. | |
| Just ding dong, ding dong, ding dong. | ||
| Just trying to figure out which way to go. | ||
| Always. | ||
| Completely unstable. | ||
| They could find out your heart rate. | ||
| I mean, how the fuck are they finding out your heart rate by looking at you on some screen? | ||
| Unless you're wearing a device. | ||
| You must be wearing a device. | ||
| Are you wearing anything? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's thermal, I think. | ||
| It's got three cameras pointing at you, and they're all different. | ||
| It's not just like a regular video camera. | ||
| So the three cameras pointing at you, what are they reading? | ||
| One's thermal, the other's where you are displaced in the room. | ||
| But it's reading like heat, really, and it's gauging that into a heart. | ||
| Is this an app we're talking about? | ||
| It's Xbox One. | ||
| So if it's gauging heat, do you have to program in how warm your room is? | ||
| How much you weigh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It knows how big you are. | |
| It can tell. | ||
| It knows when you've been sleeping. | ||
| And it's tons of little dots over you, so it reads super accurate. | ||
| It can read your hands going like this. | ||
| You know, that accurate. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| It's pretty, the new one, Xbox One. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| I'm missing out on all this. | ||
| You can easily get an Xbox. | ||
| You should have an Xbox One. | ||
| You shouldn't have, as many times as it is. | ||
| I watched the last UFC on an Xbox One, and it was so easy. | ||
| It was just like, order, right through Xbox. | ||
| Dude, I'm moving towards doing less shit. | ||
| That's what I'm moving towards. | ||
| I'm not moving towards doing anything more. | ||
| I just, I've been enjoying relaxing lately. | ||
| That's a lost art. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Everybody's hustling, going by. | ||
| How about- If I had your money? | ||
| Fuck, I've been relaxing 10 years ago. | ||
| Would you? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What have you been doing? | ||
| What would you do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What should I do? | ||
| You could advise me. | ||
| I'd be smoking pot and floating in my pool. | ||
| Ah, there you go. | ||
| With a big margarita inside you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't have a pool. | |
| I don't smoke pot. | ||
| Let me change that answer. | ||
| You should have a fishing pond, Joe. | ||
| Somewhere that you can just sit there on a canoe and fish and smoke weed all day long. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That is the day. | ||
| No, seriously. | ||
| That sounds perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Perfect. | |
| It's a fun day. | ||
| Thing of Heineken's in between your legs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck. | |
| Isn't it funny that nobody gives a fuck if you kill a fish? | ||
| Fuck fish. | ||
| People don't care about fish. | ||
| But if there was like wild game preserves near Four Seasons in Hawaii, and dudes are coming in with like gutted moose or something like that, people would freak the fuck out. | ||
| You can come with a marlin, big 1,500 pound marlin, nobody gives a shit. | ||
| They're delicious. | ||
| Moose is very tough. | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's very delicious. | ||
| But it's just weird that we don't give a shit if someone kills a fish in front of us. | ||
| We have very clear hierarchies, and it's not even about the size of the animal. | ||
| It's about whether or not the animal's cute. | ||
| If you have a squirrel, you kill a squirrel in front of a... | ||
| People will freak out if you kill a squirrel in front of them. | ||
| But people eat squirrels. | ||
| A lot of parts of the world, people eat squirrels. | ||
| But if you kill a tuna in front of them, like a 500 pound tuna, Most people don't even bat an eye. | ||
| Weird, right? | ||
| I hate that. | ||
| You see, like, the Japanese cutting fins off sharks. | ||
| Is it the Japanese? | ||
| It's the Japanese show, yes. | ||
| Don't get all nervous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the Japanese. | |
| I didn't fucking make it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you see that surfer with the shark on live TV? I'm not saying we should kill all the sharks. | |
| They cut the fins off them, though, and let the rest of the fish drown. | ||
| It'll get eaten. | ||
| I know, but it's not the point. | ||
| I'm not saying it's a good thing, but... | ||
| They're using it for aphrodisiac, making soup with it and shit. | ||
| Well, I think it's just delicious. | ||
| Shark's fin soup. | ||
| I think the aphrodisiac is like the horns. | ||
| Like rhino horns. | ||
| Rhino horns, too, yes. | ||
| Tiger dick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tiger dick? | ||
| Tiger dick. | ||
| They do something with tigers. | ||
| I don't know if it's tiger dick, but... | ||
| Tiger dick. | ||
| That is fucked up, though. | ||
| They cut the fins off and just jump in the water. | ||
| Yeah, and they let them fucking drown. | ||
| What's kind of sociopathic? | ||
| Yeah, it's kind of creepy behavior. | ||
| Replace the fin. | ||
| If you're going to take it, put a fake one on it. | ||
| Yeah, not only that, like, couldn't you use that meat for something? | ||
| Like, can you sell it for pet food or something like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| You know, I mean, it's probably good protein. | ||
| Like, why would you just let it all go to waste like that? | ||
| That seems so silly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| And then there's the numbers. | ||
| Like how many do they kill? | ||
| They kill a lot. | ||
| You get that shark fin soup. | ||
| You gotta kill a lot of fucking sharks. | ||
| But that surfer video is ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, God. | ||
| How terrifying is that? | ||
| I'm surprised you didn't see, like, you know, him shitting his pants all over the board. | ||
| It's amazing he didn't get bit. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I mean, that thing is thrashing around. | ||
| I know! | ||
| And that was a big fin! | ||
| Big fucking... | ||
| That was no little mako shark. | ||
| That was a shark shark. | ||
| That was, like, a ten-foot shark, right? | ||
| If you had guessed, nine, ten-foot... | ||
| How big did they think it was, Jimmy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't see it. | |
| It seemed like it was like a 10-foot shark. | ||
| But it's definitely big enough to fucking kill you. | ||
| Hell yeah! | ||
| Why do surfers not carry weapons on them? | ||
| Why don't they have some kind of taser or something that they can wear around their neck and in emergencies pop it off? | ||
| They should have an app for that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Maybe it will help you... | ||
| You know how you row, like a lot of guys, the paddleboard out there? | ||
| There's like a new sport. | ||
| Just like with a spear. | ||
| Hunting shark. | ||
| Yeah, because like... | ||
| You draw the shark. | ||
| If you fucking miss, dude. | ||
| That's a good show. | ||
| Pitch that one. | ||
| Pitch that one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shark tank. | |
| You could probably get away with doing it if you did it with chainmail. | ||
| If you had some sort of a fine chainmail shark suit on, you could probably get away with doing that. | ||
| But, you know, to see whether or not you got bit. | ||
| You know, what a badass paddleboarder you would have to be to take that risk. | ||
| Fuck, dude. | ||
| That could go wrong. | ||
| Yeah, that would be enough to keep me out of the water the rest of my life. | ||
| Well, that was in South Africa, right? | ||
| South Africa is one of the worst spots in the world as far as shark attacks. | ||
| How about North Carolina this year? | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| They were walking up on shore and biting people. | ||
| Richmond covers makes waves with homemade shark cages. | ||
| Oh, I saw those people. | ||
| These people walked out with a shark cage on. | ||
| It looks like a birdcage. | ||
| Yeah, not a bad move. | ||
| Got him on TV. Six foot great white, by the way. | ||
| It was only six foot? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's what the guy said. | |
| That's big enough. | ||
| Yeah, that's plenty big to fuck you up. | ||
| That's as big as, you know, you are. | ||
| Sharks, man. | ||
| What a crazy animal. | ||
| Dude, that guy's face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I'd rather be bit by the shark, I think. | |
| Who's that, John Madden's gay son? | ||
| One thousandth. | ||
| One thousandth. | ||
| I don't think you'd get away from me. | ||
| What a great idea. | ||
| Sharks are just such a strange animal that they've got to a stage of existence where they just maintain the exact same form for hundreds of millions of years. | ||
| That's all they've been doing for hundreds of millions of years. | ||
| They never improved. | ||
| If they stop swimming, they drown. | ||
| It's a total shitty design. | ||
| They can't sleep. | ||
| They just swim around and jack things. | ||
| I can relate to that. | ||
| Isn't that hilarious when you think about it? | ||
| It's a clean-up crew. | ||
| It's literally like the clean-up crew for the ocean. | ||
| That's why it can't stop. | ||
| It's not allowed to do what it wants to do. | ||
| It can't just gorge itself and then just chill out. | ||
| No, it has to keep moving or it dies. | ||
| What a fucking bummer. | ||
| What a bummer existence. | ||
| You've got to keep moving. | ||
| What's that called? | ||
| There's a term for that. | ||
| Fucked? | ||
| No, there's a term for it. | ||
| You have to keep moving. | ||
| Tony Soprano had it. | ||
| Oh, perpetual motion? | ||
| You have to keep moving. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Perpetual motion? | ||
| Perpetual motion is the theory of trying to... | ||
| I forget. | ||
| How many people pretended to be Italian after The Sopranos? | ||
| It's a large percentage. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| After Goodfellas. | ||
| Yeah, all those movies. | ||
| All of them. | ||
| It's amazing how many mob movies there are. | ||
| If you really think about, like, the amount of movies made about the Italians. | ||
| One guy just died from, uh, Godfather, right? | ||
| The, uh... | ||
| Oh, shit, he just died two days ago. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| From the Godfather? | ||
| You mean the movie? | ||
| An actor or an actual guy? | ||
| Marlon Brando? | ||
| No, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Alex Rockwell, the Godfather star. | ||
| No! | ||
| That's Mo Green! | ||
| Mo Green. | ||
| He fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
When? | |
| Two days ago. | ||
| That doesn't even look like him. | ||
| Is that supposed to be him? | ||
| Yeah, that's him, all right. | ||
| Wow, he looks so different. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Mo Green, did he catch one in the eye? | ||
| No, he choked on a breadstick at the Olive Garden. | ||
| Oh, that's fucking racist, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Son of a bitch. | |
| Why the Olive Garden, Brian? | ||
| Why do you get to be like that, man? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Son of a bitch. | |
| Why do you get to be Olive Garden with an Italian shit? | ||
| He has a running joke about Olive Garden. | ||
| I haven't done that in a while. | ||
| He slips in Olive Garden into conversations. | ||
| I had the best chunk ever on the Olive Garden. | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| Oh, a bit, you mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I would love to hear it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
People... | |
| Look it up. | ||
| You have to fucking Google it. | ||
| Oh, look at him there. | ||
| It's on my first album. | ||
| Look at him in that bottom image. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's when, like, right after he won the Academy Award. | |
| Yeah, those are the glasses Mo Green had on when he got it. | ||
| He was getting massaged. | ||
| There's something great about those big giant classes. | ||
| He's from Boston, by the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I believe he's a Boston guy. | ||
| Mo Green. | ||
| I did not hear that. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| That looks more like Mo Green there. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| We all go. | ||
| Everybody's here. | ||
| Michael, Fredo, how you doing? | ||
| You're not going. | ||
| We're not going anywhere. | ||
| You're going to be okay? | ||
| Oh, Christ. | ||
| What's going to happen? | ||
| 1-10, 1-11 before I go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I'll start shitting my pants about a week from now. | ||
| What makes you say that? | ||
| I'm kidding. | ||
| P90X? I'll be gone soon. | ||
| You've got to stay in it. | ||
| You've got to put... | ||
| You've got to stay focused. | ||
| What's it called again? | ||
| The new one? | ||
| Mine's not even new. | ||
| This one's been out a few years. | ||
| 30 Minute Insanity or whatever. | ||
| You know who I'm talking about, Shanti. | ||
| I've seen the commercial. | ||
| I've definitely seen the commercial. | ||
| The guy is working out. | ||
| He's jumping around for 30 minutes. | ||
| I don't know how you can talk. | ||
| And still, you know, do that type of row back to side and still be able to speak? | ||
| You've got to be very fit. | ||
| You've got to be unbelievably fit. | ||
| Yeah, when you're demonstrating moves, like if you demonstrate martial arts moves, you get exhausted. | ||
| Because you're trying to talk and, you know, you're throwing kicks and you're trying to explain what you're doing. | ||
| You get winded real quick. | ||
| And this guy talks non-stop for 30 minutes while he's jumping around. | ||
| And his people give up. | ||
| Like, there's people that have to sit out, like, halfway through. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I was like, wow, you picked some really fucking weirdos. | ||
| Well, it's hard. | ||
| It really is hard. | ||
| But how about the... | ||
| There's another girl out there. | ||
| Autumn... | ||
| Autumn Calabrese, her name is? | ||
| No. | ||
| She's a Beachbody, one of those Tony Horton... | ||
| Protégés. | ||
| And just Google Autumn Calabrese, and she's got the 21-day fix out of something. | ||
| It's an infomercial with Tom Bergeron, but you should see... | ||
| Look at her body on her. | ||
| I've never seen anybody... | ||
| You know, who doesn't juice or isn't a bodybuilder. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| She looks very fit. | ||
| She looks very fit. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| I'd do her a 30-minute workout, though. | ||
| I recommend Jane Fonda's old school. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's really easy. | |
| Does it involve one of them things you hold on to? | ||
|
unidentified
|
This little shaky thing? | |
| Shake weight? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you believe that thing fucking exists? | |
| That's the most ridiculous workout tool ever. | ||
| Why would you need that? | ||
| You just grab onto somebody who's having a seizure. | ||
| It's hard to find someone who has a seizure when you're trying to get a workout in. | ||
| What was Suzanne Somers' one, the one that you put in between? | ||
| Thighmaster. | ||
| They have vibrating thighmasters. | ||
| I bought a used one and licked it for 20 minutes. | ||
| Do you know, I know jujitsu guys who got the Thighmaster so that they could work the inside leg muscles so they could squeeze guys better. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they have info commercials with Jane Fonda. | ||
| I can't tell if you're bullshitting. | ||
| No, for real. | ||
| Is it hot in here or is it the coffee? | ||
| It's probably the coffee. | ||
| All right. | ||
| But they have info commercials with Jane Fonda with the vibrating workout thing. | ||
| And it's some of the funniest shit ever. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Thigh master, bitch. | ||
| Yeah, I bought a used one on eBay. | ||
| Ooh, what did it smell like? | ||
| I sniffed it for like an hour and sent it back. | ||
| Not acceptable. | ||
| It smells like pineapple! | ||
| Find me one that's been used by an American. | ||
| That's the new Hitachi right there. | ||
| I'm not playing around with your goddamn coconut thigh master. | ||
| Coconut thigh master. | ||
| For sexy hips and thighs. | ||
| Oh my god, what the hell is that? | ||
| Bonus lotion? | ||
| Oh, gel. | ||
| Organic bronzing gel. | ||
| That's for whacking off to the infomercial. | ||
| Bronzing gel, that's hilarious. | ||
| Squeeze your thighs together and then orange them. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| How are girls using this to masturbate? | ||
| Because it has to be for that, right? | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| I guess you could get everything warmed up first with that. | ||
| Like, if you were hell-bent on, like, stimulating or simulating some sort of a wild gorilla fuckfest, what you do is you just squeeze the shit out of that thing until your legs reach fatigue, and, you know, all the while you've got to, like, play with yourself. | ||
| And then once you realize that your legs are about to give in, that's when you start shoving the dildo inside you. | ||
| I'm not saying you should do this. | ||
| I'm just saying that's how I'd handle it. | ||
| I just heard shoving the dildo went to yourself. | ||
| That's all I heard out of that. | ||
| I was just thinking if you really wanted to have, you know, if you want to use the Thighmaster for orgasms, if you were trying to masturbate with it, that'd be the only way. | ||
| You have to use it to make your legs tired. | ||
| Unless you turn it on so it's like this, like a pyramid, like the balls at the top, and then you put it down and the girls sit on it and push down like they ride it like this while it vibrates. | ||
| That's probably what they're doing. | ||
| It gives back to you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That bronze is actually a gel. | ||
| Women probably put it between their legs and have their husband stick their head in, then they clamp it on their husband's necks. | ||
| You know what I don't like? | ||
| I don't like that those oh my god facts are sometimes made up. | ||
| They're fake. | ||
| Half of them are fake. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes they're made up because there was one about the vibrator. | ||
| The vibrator was the second or third of the electronically... | ||
| Connected things, electrically powered things in the household. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| And then, like, it beat the washing machine and something else. | ||
| And I was like, wait a minute. | ||
| The third most what? | ||
| Used? | ||
| No, one of the quickest created. | ||
| Like, one of the third... | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| The third electric creation. | ||
| Yeah, it's probably bullshit. | ||
| Invention? | ||
| Yeah, it's probably bullshit. | ||
| Who came up with Edison's wife? | ||
| You even say it like you're delivering a punchline. | ||
| They used to have those in doctor's offices. | ||
| They used to stimulate women to orgasm in doctor's offices. | ||
| That was a normal... | ||
| What do you mean used to? | ||
| Go to the right doctor. | ||
| Go to the right dentist. | ||
| Is that a laughing gas? | ||
| Are you applauding? | ||
| Have we talked since the Cosby thing? | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| He's fine. | ||
| This is a racist society trying to pull down another black man, Joe. | ||
| He never raped anybody, man. | ||
| Why are you getting all over his shit? | ||
| Chuck D from Public Enemy, who I love dearly, on his Twitter thing, he called him Dr. Cosby. | ||
| Dr. Huxtable. | ||
| No, actually, you know what? | ||
| Actually, he is a doctor in real life. | ||
| But he's an honorary doctor. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| Yeah, but I think they rescinded that. | ||
| Did they take that back? | ||
| Can they take that back? | ||
| They took something back. | ||
| Took some honorary something or another he had back. | ||
| I don't know if it was that. | ||
| But then they built a statue of him in front of Grambling. | ||
| It's not actually Temple. | ||
| There's so many funny things that Cosby did in the past that now are a lot more funnier now because of all the, you know, like when Coke 2 came out, there was a commercial, and I forget what the tagline was. | ||
| Oh, I know what you're saying. | ||
| It's like, trust me, and he's like holding it, or something like that. | ||
| I see what you're saying, yeah. | ||
| And then there's a Cosby show where he makes chili, and he goes, and I have my special ingredient that makes you go get sleepy. | ||
| And then he walks into Rudy Huck, like the kids are eating the chili. | ||
| He's like, no! | ||
| Really? | ||
| It really says I have my special ingredient in the next you're sleeping? | ||
| It's old commercials that now when you watch them in retrospect, they fit the narrative perfectly. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| So now I've been just thinking of every single Cosby movie I want to watch now and find all the secret things. | ||
| What was the one where he was like a... | ||
| What was the one where he's pulling a puddin' pop out of an unconscious girl's ass? | ||
| What movie was that? | ||
| Like going through old fat outfits and stuff. | ||
| So funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Guilty! | |
| What was Coke 2? | ||
| Gil-fucking-T! There was a commercial for Coke 2 that I gotta find. | ||
| That seems like a tough one to argue. | ||
| I didn't like Cosby. | ||
| I never liked his... | ||
| I mean, I respected, but I never found them funny. | ||
| When I was working at Chris Rock, the whole show went to see Cosby, and I didn't want to go. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Chris was like, you created Apollo, you're gonna fucking miss it! | ||
| Oh yeah, we were gonna see him in Vegas. | ||
| Yeah, we were gonna take a trip to Vegas just to see him. | ||
| Because everybody was telling me, like, you gotta see him, that he's the best. | ||
| You gotta see him. | ||
| They were saying, like, he sets up these bits, and they're just fucking perfect, and... | ||
| Yeah, well... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, well... | |
| I felt that way about Jay Charbonneau. | ||
| Jay Charbonneau. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| There's a name from the past. | ||
| You just hurt my feelings. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stitches. | |
| I forgot about that guy. | ||
| He was the angry guy then. | ||
| I loved him. | ||
| Jay Charbonneau. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| He was always angry. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How do you... | |
| Maybe Pot is fucking with my memory. | ||
| If you can bring back all these guys... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it is. | |
| It's fucking with your memory, Joe. | ||
| That's been proven. | ||
| Has it been proven? | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| On Fox News? | ||
| No, not Fox News. | ||
| Pauly Shore's mom, for Christ. | ||
| I don't think she did Pot. | ||
| No, she probably never touched weed. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| First of all, how dare you? | ||
| Second one, I think it was some other stuff. | ||
| It was what? | ||
| It was genetic, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Parkinson's. | |
| Oh, I didn't. | ||
| I was just throwing that out there. | ||
| I didn't know she had a disease. | ||
| Yeah, she does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You didn't know that? | |
| No. | ||
| Yeah, she's been ill for a long time. | ||
| I think she's got either Parkinson's or muscular sclerosis. | ||
| I don't know what it... | ||
| Multiple sclerosis? | ||
| Multiple sclerosis. | ||
| No, I love Mitzi. | ||
| She passed me the first night I showed up in LA. Did she really? | ||
| She was in the crowd. | ||
| She was in the original room. | ||
| And it was like open mic or a new potluck or whatever the fuck. | ||
| Like three guys went up and just ate their own shit. | ||
| Like Jay London had the best set and he got like six laughs. | ||
| Jay London. | ||
| And then I just fucking went on and, you know, that's when I was doing it four times a night, you know, 30 nights a month. | ||
| And she just happened to be there. | ||
| She was fucking, literally her hat was falling off. | ||
| She had that hat on. | ||
| She goes, you come in anytime you want. | ||
| She couldn't have been sweeter. | ||
| Do you miss living out here? | ||
| I don't miss it, but in retrospect, looking back, I enjoyed it more than I thought I did. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You enjoyed it more than you thought it did? | ||
| I was so happy to get back to New York, and I didn't care for L.A. at all. | ||
| But now they're looking back on it. | ||
| I had good times on it. | ||
| It wasn't bad. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| There's definitely a difference in the vibe. | ||
| That's the different vibe that you get when you're in L.A., It's just it's just way different than the vibe that you get in New York and especially like comedy clubs the New York comedy club vibe is like very hostile It's a different kind of not anymore though a comedy cell is like a tourist trap and really yeah Louie's show is so popular people come from all over now and And they see the Comedy Cellar, you know, they showed at the beginning of Louisa. | ||
| And like the early shows there are like, sometimes you're like, well, how did that joke swing and miss? | ||
| Then after the show, the door is like, well, that whole 14 people, they're from like fucking Sweden. | ||
| They're all German. | ||
| I hate that. | ||
| And, uh, that's like the early show. | ||
| Then I guess the second and third shows it gets back to... | ||
| But it's not hostile. | ||
| It's on the campus of NYU. It's all college kids. | ||
| And they have their brains filled with, you know, PC mush. | ||
| PC college kids. | ||
| These motherfucking know-it-all little punks. | ||
| Yeah, well, Seinfeld's too edgy for him, so. | ||
| Well, Seinfeld is, uh, he's not racially diverse. | ||
| He didn't diversify his cars and coffee show. | ||
| Sounds racist. | ||
| Sounds racist to me. | ||
| But that's not even their problem with him. | ||
| They think he's too edgy. | ||
| Hey, Jamie, there's a dude outside that I want to bring in. | ||
| He's a guy that I met last night. | ||
| I wanted to sit down with Nick and I wanted to bring this guy in. | ||
| His name is, let's bring him in. | ||
| His name's Adam. | ||
| He should be out there right now. | ||
| I met this guy last night that is a counselor in Florida, and I have to leave tomorrow. | ||
| I was trying to figure out what way to have this guy talk to me about what the fuck he did. | ||
| When I hear about a scam, a money scam, a crazy money scam, this guy was working with drug rehabilitation people in Florida, and like, you know, fucking... | ||
| Dealing with people that have all these drug addictions and all the different prescriptions that they would put them on and how much money they would get. | ||
| He was telling me that they would charge people like $1,500 a day to keep someone a patient in their institution. | ||
| Can you set up a microphone over here? | ||
| Is that possible? | ||
| Mixing it up, Nick DiPaolo. | ||
| Can I plug my website? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| NickDip.com? | ||
| What are you doing next? | ||
| What do you got going on? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What are you out here for? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| I'm still selling the album. | ||
| I got such a kick after I did your show and Adams and everybody else is out here, I got a spike in sales, so I thought I'd refresh it. | ||
| You're like a businessman. | ||
| You made a smart business move. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A little bit. | |
| Excited to come out to L.A. I did. | ||
| That's nice. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| Does he ever need me to tweet anything? | ||
| I'd be more than happy. | ||
| Seriously? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| You shouldn't have said that. | ||
| I'll be hounding y'all. | ||
| Hound me. | ||
| Give me a hard time. | ||
| But I... Yeah, no. | ||
| I did that thing with Amy Schumer, 12 Angry Men. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| How was that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Got to act with Paul Giamatti and Jeff Goldblum and John Hawks. | ||
| Her fucking show is smashing right now. | ||
| So, you know, things are kicking up. | ||
| It's getting interesting because she's experiencing some backlash from some shit that she's always said. | ||
| People are mad at her now. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| Well, that's a little fucking sick, isn't it, Joe? | ||
| What are we doing here? | ||
| They eat themselves. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| There's a cover of a magazine. | ||
| You see the cover of the magazine with her sucking on C-3PO's? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| God forbid. | ||
| Yeah, well, all these people were saying that, like, that's an affront to feminism, and people are mad at her now, and, you know, it doesn't promote feminism for her to suck on a robot's finger. | ||
| No, exactly. | ||
| I mean, like you said, they're eating each other. | ||
| But she did, and she did some Hispanic job. | ||
| But it's not Hispanic people getting mad at her. | ||
| It's white liberal people getting mad at her. | ||
| I never have a problem with minorities in the audience. | ||
| They never have a problem with my shit. | ||
| It's always white little liberal kids trying to defend their feelings. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| Come on in, Adam. | ||
| Come on and have a seat. | ||
| It's fucking embarrassing. | ||
| Well, it is. | ||
| Put those headphones on, too, if you would. | ||
| Yeah, it's a real problem with comedy. | ||
| A big part of what comedy is is saying shit you don't really mean, because it's the funny thing to say. | ||
| And if you're going to cut off that, and you're going to make it really difficult for people to express themselves honestly, you're going to get shittier and shittier comedy. | ||
| You're going to have to only say what you mean, always. | ||
| I say what I mean. | ||
| I do, and they have a problem with that, too. | ||
| That too. | ||
| But I mean, even joking around about shit, saying things are clearly ingest. | ||
| What's up, dude? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's up, man? | |
| Put that thing up to your face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Better. | |
| There, there it works, man. | ||
| So, met this guy last night. | ||
| He started talking to me about... | ||
| Well, tell him the whole story. | ||
| Which part? | ||
| The Medicare part? | ||
| Those issues? | ||
| Talk into the microphone. | ||
| Has he ever done a podcast before? | ||
| Anything like this? | ||
| You wrote a book, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two of those things, man. | |
| And what is the book? | ||
| The first one is Mastering Life Transitions, and the second one is Chemical Incarceration, Addicted to the Process. | ||
| And so you were working with people that are drug addicted, and you felt like it was like a money scam? | ||
| It is. | ||
| I mean, it's a process they set up to addict you from the beginning. | ||
| I mean, they bring you in for a 30-day rehab. | ||
| What I'm talking about are government-funded facilities, you know, Medicare facilities. | ||
| They get you to come in, and for 30 days, they basically switch out whatever hard drugs you're on with their synthetic drugs. | ||
| The facility owners get $1,500 a day per patient, inpatient facility, and then they're discharged. | ||
| You're kind of pushed to say, hey, discharge them to our outpatient facility, because then they make another $500 to $700 a day per patient for four to eight weeks. | ||
| How ridiculous is that? | ||
| Government scam. | ||
| Less government, Joe. | ||
| Less government. | ||
| It's crazy because the patients want the drugs in the hospital, but the hospital owners take care of the patients almost like they're VIP clients at the Ritz-Carlton. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Adam, tell everybody your full name, man. | ||
| Adam Lowry? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And what's the name of your book? | ||
| The second one is Chemical Incarceration, Addicted to the Process. | ||
| The first one is Mastering Life Transitions. | ||
| And it's all, what is, are they both on the same subject? | ||
| No, Mastering Life Transitions was... | ||
| I came up with my own theory. | ||
| It's called TSBT, Transrational Structured Behavior Theory. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Yeah, that's what I said. | ||
| A whole bunch of psychobabble shit. | ||
| Then I summed it up to the Cognitive Rampage, and that's essentially what I call it. | ||
| What's the Cognitive Rampage? | ||
| That's actually the website, CognitiveRampage.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love that. | |
| Can I use that for a CD? It's a great band. | ||
| Please, man, go ahead. | ||
| That's a fucking great name. | ||
| Cognitive Rampage. | ||
| That's a great name. | ||
| What's Cognitive Rampage entail? | ||
| Well, for me, when I'm talking or I'm giving my delivery or I'm giving my speeches or whatever I'm talking about, I get really rampaging. | ||
| And I get intense. | ||
| I mean, I'm trying to fucking help somebody's life. | ||
| You get old Donald Trump. | ||
| I think that's different. | ||
| I think that's different. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I just got tired of that therapist that sit there. | ||
| Tell me how that makes you feel. | ||
| And then, you know, treat you in some pompous manner and dance around you for half an hour hoping you figure some shit out. | ||
| So for people that get hooked on drugs and they get involved in some sort of recovery program like that where they instantly take the drugs that they were on and they put them on another drug that just has a similar effect but it's legal. | ||
| I mean, they really don't do anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Not a fucking thing. | ||
| Methadone? | ||
| That's common? | ||
| That's like most of the time what happens? | ||
| That's period what happens. | ||
| What's crazy is you could walk into a drug treatment. | ||
| Now these are Medicare funded now. | ||
| Medicare. | ||
| Not like Passages in Malibu. | ||
| Not like that. | ||
| But if you walked in... | ||
| You're supposed to be greeted by a physician and diagnosed within the first day or two. | ||
| Which makes sense. | ||
| Well, to cut costs, you walk in and a high school graduate fills out your admission paper and throws on your diagnosis. | ||
| Bipolar. | ||
| You can't even diagnose anybody with that until they're off drugs. | ||
| Until they're back at baseline. | ||
| But you can't take them into your inpatient unless they have one of those labels so they can get paid for it. | ||
| Well, there you go. | ||
| So the legal way of diagnosing someone as being bipolar, you've got to wait until they're free of all drugs. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So they do it illegally? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And everybody knows? | ||
| Everyone knows. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| At the willow in Naples. | ||
| West government! | ||
| Less fucking government! | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He's right. | ||
| In this sense, right? | ||
| At least it's keeping people off the streets, I guess. | ||
| But how much money is being spent? | ||
| And it's all tax dollars, right? | ||
| If it's Medicare? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| It's all of our money. | ||
| I mean, but what's funny is the patients think it's their money. | ||
| So when they're sitting in the rehab, it's, hey, doc, I need my pills. | ||
| Hey, therapist, you need to discharge me here. | ||
| Do this for me. | ||
| I'm essentially their fucking travel agent. | ||
| I mean, the book, what I talk about, Addicted to the Process. | ||
| What incentive does somebody have to quit doing drugs, all right? | ||
| Let's say you have a very minimal education, nothing going for you. | ||
| I can quit doing heroin and cocaine and maybe go, I don't know, clean shit for a living or something. | ||
| But then I can't even have a drink to waste away the shit day I just had. | ||
| So what they do is they'll come into a 30-day treatment facility, do their 30 days, but it's bed and breakfast, it's drugs, it's smoking, it's sex even at most of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sex. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They take away ambition, government programs. | ||
| That's what they do. | ||
| The bathrooms become fucking hostiles. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And then after 30 days, by law, I have to find them where they're going to live, where they're going to get their next drugs from, and how they're going to get there, and their doctor. | ||
| So, it eliminates all the ambition they might have to get their shit together. | ||
| Completely enables them. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| But would you want to quit? | ||
| Would you want to quit? | ||
| I do 30 days. | ||
| I was on heroin for a while, not me, but let's say I was. | ||
| And I walk in, I do 30 days, I meet some new fine-ass chick in an AA meeting that sees life the way I do, and we're going to conquer this together. | ||
| So we get discharged to say, I don't know, I've always wanted to see Savannah. | ||
| Well, by law, I've got to discharge them, find their house, find their doctor. | ||
| What? | ||
| We then fly them there, or send them on a bus. | ||
| On a dime. | ||
| Then they go to outpatient facility, four to eight weeks on our dime again, just to hang out with more people that don't want to quit, party some more for a while, only to relapse and go, well, I guess I'll admit myself to this Savannah Rehab then, do another 30 days, come out, and now they go, well, I've always wanted to go to Vegas! | ||
| Where's the ambition to get clean or the incentive? | ||
| Man with welfare, where's the incentive to work? | ||
| You're going to go out and get a 40,000-year job, you can get that in benefits. | ||
| This seems like I would have heard of this. | ||
| That's why you freaked me out. | ||
| When we were talking last night, it was after the show, and I was talking to him. | ||
| There was a bunch of people around. | ||
| There was Dom Herrera we were hanging around with, and it was hard to get a real bead on how deep this went. | ||
| Just with all those other people around all that but what you're saying doesn't make any sense because it seems like not that I don't believe you but it seems like that would have been so obvious a long time ago that that's a ridiculous way to do things You can't, because if I'm like a licensed therapist, if I say anything, I get blackballed from ever working at any facility again. | ||
| So no therapist, after you go get a $150,000 degree, you got debt you got to pay, if you speak out against what's happening, you're blackballed, and that's it, and all these facility fat owners know each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| What's your title, your work title, technically? | ||
| Well, I can't say therapist anymore. | ||
| I'm not a licensed therapist, because fuck that. | ||
| I don't want it, I gave it back, and I don't believe in practicing in some conservative structure to help change somebody's life. | ||
| So it's just me, with a master's degree, some life coaching stuff. | ||
| You're a freelance, okay. | ||
| What is your degree in? | ||
| Mental health counseling. | ||
| What a trip that must be to be embedded in that system like that. | ||
| Dude, it fucking killed me to be straight with you, man. | ||
| You know, when I first got in, I was, you know, because I really changed my life from the shit I used to be in. | ||
| Turn it around, show up ready to, you know, help people and get involved only to see everyone around me. | ||
| It's corrupt. | ||
| They've given the fuck up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's so crazy that there's so much of a money grab going on. | ||
| I never had heard that before. | ||
| Nobody has a reason. | ||
| I mean, the facility owners are making millions. | ||
| The people getting treatment are getting their drugs in bed and breakfast place. | ||
| Why would they want to say anything? | ||
| Therapists can't say anything, you'll lose his fucking job. | ||
| I want to do heroin. | ||
| Come on, Nick. | ||
| Let's do some heroin for a couple months. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's strange. | |
| From what I hear, Zaboxin is much better. | ||
| The synthetic stuff that we make. | ||
| I was going to say, thanks for the tip. | ||
| It gives you a white chitter on the corner of your mouth. | ||
| What is Zaboxin? | ||
| This is the other thing you were telling me last night. | ||
| They replace the heroin. | ||
| If people come in and they have a heroin addiction, they replace it with Zaboxin. | ||
| But the difference is that heroin is pretty cheap, and Zaboxin is fucking really expensive. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Like, what is the difference in the money? | ||
| Well, now you can get the boxing pills on the street for 20 bucks to 40 bucks. | ||
| Depends on who has it. | ||
| And it's cheaper than your fucking co-pay. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Your co-pay when you buy it from a pharmacist is more expensive than buying it on the street. | ||
| Many times. | ||
| Depends on your plan D. So many pro tips. | ||
| So many pro tips. | ||
| Brian is ready to get on heroin. | ||
| He's like, I have found... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm moving into a new apartment. | |
| Find some skinny heroin chick with her blue baby crawling on the ceiling. | ||
| You don't want a blue baby, but you do want a skinny heroin chick. | ||
| Good taste in music. | ||
| Some distasteful tattoos. | ||
| Some knuckle tattoos. | ||
| A shady past, but she's a good cuddler. | ||
| Have you been in a rehab joke? | ||
| I see the picture now. | ||
| It's very Bukowski 76. You can't go on 60 Minutes or anything because you'll be outcast. | ||
| One of the owners I worked for actually has already even been arrested for Medicare fraud in 1985, and he still owns four hospitals today. | ||
| Maybe all the people that you're learning this from are fraud, and so you're just outing all your bosses and they don't actually do this. | ||
| Oh, well, no. | ||
| My bosses were good. | ||
| My direct bosses. | ||
| Now, Leo D'Anibal was my mentor, man. | ||
| I'm not Leo. | ||
| No mention names, bro. | ||
| Leo's listening. | ||
| He's a good dude, but... | ||
| And this is in Florida? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See, that's such a fucking whacked-out state. | ||
| Is that, like, everywhere in the country, or is it just Florida has this... | ||
| Well, what's crazy is Florida has its own Medicare fraud phone number while every other state calls one number. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Jesus. | ||
| Ain't that some shit? | ||
| We're finished. | ||
| That's hilarious, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| Oh my god, what a wacky ass fucking state. | ||
| So what he was telling me last night, we were talking about the OxyContin Express, that documentary about all the people that were getting these OxyContin prescriptions from those pain management centers. | ||
| And he said that they had replaced it with Zaboxone. | ||
| And he started telling me, because he told me he was a drug counselor, and I was like, oh, I need to fucking hear what's going on down there. | ||
| I didn't expect the can of worms that you opened up. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| I can't... | ||
| How much money is going on? | ||
| What? | ||
| And that's just Florida? | ||
| That's just Florida. | ||
| So what happens in Massachusetts or California or something like that? | ||
| They have different rules? | ||
| I haven't done therapy there, but what's funny is all of the patients that wind up at the Willow are on the rounds. | ||
| So they come from California, they come from Boston, they come from all these places. | ||
| And the Willow is just a round. | ||
| So do they have a time frame where they have to get out by? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It depends. | ||
| Different plans, so they have like 90 lifetime days that every year rebirth, and then you have 160 days during the year. | ||
| So you can go in 30 days, come out 30, wait 30, it repopulates again. | ||
| Now, the patients, the people that use this, they know these systems better than the doctors do, better than the insurance specialists and everything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| The place I was at actually has a sales force up front. | ||
| They call the people that come through there alumni and frequent flyers. | ||
| And so they'll call them and go, Hey, it's been a while since you've been in, whoever. | ||
| Why don't you come in for a medication adjustment? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| It's illegal as fuck. | ||
| And they call them in for medication adjustment. | ||
| And so who's instigating that? | ||
| Is it the employees? | ||
| Is there a director that tells the employees what they have to do? | ||
| Like, how does that work? | ||
| They keep it really, really close. | ||
| So there's two or three friends that are close with the owners that work in the, well, it's not sales department, it's the admissions department, but we all know it as the sales department. | ||
| It's like an Audi dealership. | ||
| The undercoating. | ||
| It's like Fargo. | ||
| You have 50,000 Suboxone points. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But they won't call you unless they know you have days left. | |
| What? | ||
| If you don't have days, they can pull up your chart and go, alright, he's got 10 days. | ||
| He's usually here every three months. | ||
| He hasn't been back. | ||
| I wonder how he's doing. | ||
| Let's call him up. | ||
| Hey, I know you're fighting sobriety and may have been sober for three months, but why don't you come back for medication adjustment? | ||
| So if you were really feeling sober and you had kind of like graduated past the demons of the pills and you were off of it, but then you got that phone call. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Motherfucker. | |
| You got that phone call. | ||
| It's like, look, I got it for you. | ||
| How about a medication adjustment, baby? | ||
| Man, the dope boys have left the corner and put on white coats and moved into psychiatric hospitals. | ||
| That's another good album. | ||
| Medication Adjustment? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| That's a good name. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| Medication Adjustment. | ||
| I like that one. | ||
| Thugs in white coats. | ||
| That's amazing, man. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| It's amazing that that's the system in place. | ||
| Well, at least in Florida. | ||
| So is that how they're making up for the money that they lost by selling all the Oxycontins? | ||
| If the pharmaceutical companies are, they're always out to get the money. | ||
| Now, the Zaboxin story is pretty fucking crazy. | ||
| In the 70s is when Zaboxin started to come out, and the government was going to subsidize the payment on anybody to build this. | ||
| Please build this pill for us. | ||
| We know it works, etc. | ||
| Pfizer and all the big boys said, fuck you, we're not touching it. | ||
| We know it's addictive as hell. | ||
| They left it alone in a mustard company that made from mustard seeds. | ||
| Not Golden's. | ||
| Don't tell me Golden's got people hooked on shit. | ||
| So they were going out of business, and they accepted the offer of the government. | ||
| Got paid, took the subsidies, and developed the drugs of boxing. | ||
| Problem was... | ||
| When you're making Pfizer look good, you're really fucking... | ||
| That's coming from a right wing. | ||
| The problem is they have laws on the books that a physician cannot prescribe a narcotic to get someone off a narcotic. | ||
| So then they spend the next 30 years changing the laws. | ||
| Now here comes the pill. | ||
| We're ready to market it, right? | ||
| So it works kind of like methadone, but in the marketing meeting we go, look guys, we can't rebrand methadone. | ||
| What are we going to do? | ||
| So they all sit around and they go, well look, everybody going to these facilities is in AA or NA, right? | ||
| So, higher power stuff. | ||
| So what do they do? | ||
| The first stamp that they put on this pill is a Christian cross, and they dub it the miracle drug. | ||
| Yes, sir. | ||
| Fed it to everybody. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| So when you get as a box and it has a cross on it? | ||
| Used to. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not anymore. | |
| They changed it. | ||
| Please let me see that picture, Jamie. | ||
| The little orange pill. | ||
| He'll find it. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| That is evil. | ||
| Ain't that some shit? | ||
| I didn't even think about that, but NA and 12-step, Alcoholics Anonymous and NA, they're all God-based, right? | ||
| Higher power. | ||
| It helped a lot of people. | ||
| The best asset was Jesus Christ's asset. | ||
| That's what I heard, right? | ||
| Is that true, Brian? | ||
| 94. Do you remember how many guys... | ||
| You ever tried the Moses wheat? | ||
| Do you remember how many guys came from Alcoholics Anonymous into stand-up? | ||
| Because they learned how to stand up in front of those groups and make everybody laugh? | ||
| Dave Fitzgerald. | ||
| Remember Dave Fitzgerald? | ||
| He died. | ||
| Died of cancer. | ||
| He died. | ||
| Funny fucking guy. | ||
| He was a funny guy. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| Literally. | ||
| That is... | ||
| Literally, yeah. | ||
| Is that a cross or a sword? | ||
| That's like a sword. | ||
| That's a sword. | ||
| That's not a cross. | ||
| Meant to be both. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| Meant to be both. | ||
| Are you trying to pin it on Christians? | ||
| Did you think of this when you were stoned? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| Who came up with this? | ||
| No, man. | ||
| This is a Jewish thing. | ||
| It's crazy, right? | ||
| Look, it's that... | ||
| N8. What the fuck's N8? And it's that gay rights thing, the no hate thing. | ||
| It's N8. It's gay rights and Jesus together in harmony, in heroin. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I'll go with eight milligrams of the cross, please. | ||
| Yeah, it's definitely more sword-like than cross-like, but if you were like a super cross person, you could go. | ||
| Or if you hated Christians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was just a tall cross. | |
| It does look like a knife. | ||
| It does a little bit. | ||
| But why that? | ||
| No, exactly. | ||
| Because you're fighting against heroin addiction with heroin. | ||
| With a pointy thing? | ||
| I think it's Tower 7. It looks like a goddamn syringe. | ||
| I can help people on drugs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brian just said it's Tower 7. That's what it is. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That is really fucking crazy, though. | ||
| That's how they do it. | ||
| Now they're giving it to alcoholics, too, to get them off of that. | ||
| Give you a little heroin to get it off of alcohol? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Isn't that some shit, man? | ||
| It's hilarious that they're just allowed to do that. | ||
| They could just decide they're going to just give you drugs. | ||
| 90 days supply. | ||
| You kick a user who's only been clean 30 days. | ||
| You give him 90 days supply of Zaboxin and send him on his way to some other city. | ||
| So do they have to take piss tests when they go into these rehab places? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| So they might be on Suboxone and who knows what the fuck else. | ||
| They are. | ||
| They trade them. | ||
| They trade them. | ||
| We have athletes pissing into cups every two weeks, but people who need the help. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| We pay $1,500 a day and we don't drug test them at all. | ||
| We drug test them when they get there just to find out all the shit they're on so if they give them other shit they don't accidentally kill them. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I want to know if this is all across the country. | ||
| I want to know if this is like California, is it Michigan? | ||
| Of course it's only in Florida. | ||
| Probably, right? | ||
| It's one of the craziest places ever. | ||
| It's the easiest place to get drugs. | ||
| I would agree. | ||
| Now you don't even need insurance or money. | ||
| It's hard to get pot. | ||
| It's not an easy spot to get pot, right? | ||
| It's a little shifty. | ||
| You've got to park and meet somebody. | ||
| As opposed to walking into a government-run facility. | ||
| As opposed to getting it delivered to you with your breakfast in the morning. | ||
| Can I speak to my senator, please? | ||
| I need a buzz. | ||
| They're essentially giving them pills and giving them a house to live in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then transport to any city they want to go hang out with more drug addicts and have some more fun. | ||
| And we're paying for it! | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Now I understand where Nick DePaulo's anger comes from. | ||
| Goddamn right. | ||
| That's where that right-wing rage, that Fox News rage! | ||
| No, it's fucking... | ||
| You keep saying that, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking what are you watching, MSNBC? Fox News Red Eye's a good show. | |
| Isn't it a good show? | ||
| They don't pay, and fucking there's no exposure. | ||
| I quit doing it. | ||
| They don't pay? | ||
| No. | ||
| They don't pay you at all? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I used to bust Gutfeld's balls when I was doing it. | ||
| I go, what the fuck? | ||
| You're on at three in the morning. | ||
| Not exactly a lot of exposure. | ||
| I'm getting no money. | ||
| And now you want me to research the topics? | ||
| But don't they have like a scale? | ||
| They don't have like a... | ||
| None of that. | ||
| What? | ||
| Which is funny, I know, because you think how successful... | ||
| You know, and also... | ||
| Those shows are good because they have guys like you on. | ||
| I mean, that's what makes them fun. | ||
| You know, guys like you and Norton and Anthony. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You an Opie and Anthony fan, brother? | ||
| Oh, I am. | ||
| Fuck yeah, right? | ||
| I am, man. | ||
| This makes me sad that they're still split up. | ||
| I thought they would have worked this shit out by now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Got back together again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Poor Anthony. | ||
| Hopefully they will. | ||
| Hopefully they will. | ||
| So you stopped doing this, you gave up your license, and what are you doing now? | ||
| You're doing more counseling now? | ||
| No, I can't say I'm not allowed to say counseling and therapy because of the license thing. | ||
| So now you're doing like, you're just helping people with their lives? | ||
| Actually, I do a thing that I call full synergy, right? | ||
| It's some fun language play shit. | ||
| But for the most part, man, I believe in feeding the mind, feeding the body, and feeding whatever it is you believe equally on a daily. | ||
| You know, keeping a balance. | ||
| You know, feeding the body, relaxes the mind, etc. | ||
| That kind of stuff, you know? | ||
| And so what I'm doing is, I use my theory, and instead of sitting down doing this talk therapy, so tell me about your fucking childhood or some shit. | ||
| Because none of that shit really matters, but to a point. | ||
| But it's going right into helping people kind of look at what their life philosophy is, you know, helping them build a more rational life philosophy to make decisions and build a purposeful routine is what I call it, a purposeful structure. | ||
| So do you get clients from, like, you get them privately now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they have to know about you from someone else or something like that? | ||
| Yeah, for the most part. | ||
| How do they find out about you? | ||
| Usually a friend of a friend or somebody that knows. | ||
| I have this fucking talent of helping out the worst of the worst, man. | ||
| You know, the people that have been 15, 20 years on heroin and hard stuff. | ||
| We do some out-of-the-box treatments ever since I started listening to your show. | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What kind of out-of-the-box treatments are you doing, sir? | |
| Just an open idea to look into it myself to make those decisions. | ||
| What's that DDT? DDT. Yeah, that shit that kills mosquitoes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sanka. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Shit. | ||
| My wife and I, after I tell you last night, just finished the little psilocybin retreat, if you will, me and her at the Joshua Tree. | ||
| Did you tell the drug addicts about this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You, like, let them know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You could try some other stuff? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That would be amazing. | ||
| If they had a fucking mushroom place where you can go, just like they're doing with the Suboxone shit, if you had, like, a halfway mushroom house? | ||
| Well, like you said, that shit changes your perspective sometimes, right? | ||
| On life, so it might even work in the... | ||
| It does. | ||
| Does it? | ||
| I'm afraid of that shit. | ||
| It would work way better because you'd want to get the fuck out of that halfway house. | ||
| That's the first thing you'd want to do. | ||
| You'd be ambitious. | ||
| You'd be like, I gotta get... | ||
| This is not what I'm... | ||
| I'm doing the wrong thing. | ||
| I gotta get my life in order. | ||
| Like, what am I doing here? | ||
| Accepting a government check and taking mushrooms? | ||
| Well, you walk into a facility and they go, bipolar, and they go, thank you, I can collect that check now. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| So now you collect those. | ||
| Now you just... | ||
| It's very small. | ||
| You're not getting rich off of it by any means. | ||
| No, but it's enough to take any ambition away. | ||
| But if I give you 90 Zaboxin and you only need 30 and you sell the 60... | ||
| Well, there you go. | ||
| What are you going to do with that money? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| So what is a Zaboxin? | ||
| Like one a day? | ||
| And they would give them 90 for 90 days or 90 for 30 days? | ||
| 90 for 30 days. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| So they give three a day. | ||
| So you'd just be barbecued all day long. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Done. | |
| Just be toasted. | ||
| I'd have people sitting in my group therapy... | ||
| Nodding right there. | ||
| Drooling. | ||
| Zaboxin the fuck out. | ||
| Kolodopin, Zaboxin, and Dilaudid. | ||
| That is crazy that this is a therapy program. | ||
| That you guys would be talking to people just jacked out of their mind. | ||
| Out. | ||
| So maybe Brody's on to something this whole time. | ||
| What's that sound? | ||
| Oh, it's that trashcan thing. | ||
| Outside? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| That's so loud. | ||
| Maybe Brode is on or something. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, he's been weaning himself off lately, supposedly. | ||
| And what did they have him on? | ||
| Klonopkin, uh, I don't know, a ton. | ||
| Did they have him on Zaboxin? | ||
| I haven't heard suboxion. | ||
| Because that's the thing, when you said that name, I was like, have I heard that name from Brody before? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| See, I don't know enough about those fucking pills to know exactly what that means. | ||
| You know, like, I didn't know that Oxycontin is different than Oxycodone, it's different than Vicodin, but they're all kind of similar, right? | ||
| After all that Oxycontin Express stuff, they changed the compounds in it so it became less addictive and also so you couldn't smoke it anymore. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why they changed it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| So that documentary did a world of good. | ||
| Huge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huge. | |
| Anybody who hasn't seen that, you've got to watch it. | ||
| It wasn't that long ago they were running this. | ||
| They had these pain management centers. | ||
| You'd show up at the pain management center. | ||
| Oh, my back. | ||
| The doctor would go, yeah, man, you need some fucking drugs. | ||
| Just walk right there. | ||
| And there was another desk right there that had the drugs. | ||
| I mean like literally he was like in the same room as him and he would go right to the pharmacist. | ||
| The pharmacist would write you a little thing and give you a package and you're out the door and you've got drugs. | ||
| One of the clients I worked with, his scam that he used to do is he would get like three or four big charter buses, those giant ones, and fill it with senior citizens from another state. | ||
| Drive them down to Florida and promise them a trip to Florida, sightseeing, and lunch. | ||
| Drive them down here, get all their scripts, fill them all completely, drive them back, and keep all of their medications. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, did he get the scripts from them? | ||
| Did they have to sign the scripts over? | ||
| All of it. | ||
| So, it was part of their deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| They realized it. | ||
| They go, yeah, you can do this. | ||
| And was that legal, or was that all... | ||
| No, that's all illegal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| That was hitting the pill mills you were just talking about. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| That's good of us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-mm. | |
| How much money could you make off of a bus of old people and their pills? | ||
| Go to Miami. | ||
| Figures 60 people, 30 to 90 pills at 20 to 50 a pill? | ||
| I'm not even smart enough to be a criminal. | ||
| That's what's pissing me off about all this shit. | ||
| I don't think this is one of those legal... | ||
| This isn't legal. | ||
| No. | ||
| But it is legal to have those pain management centers and just walking out the street. | ||
| They're cracking down on Nolan, Florida. | ||
| They're really pushing them out now. | ||
| Because of that. | ||
| Because of the documentary, they've really shut them down. | ||
| But all they've done now is turn to psychiatric facilities. | ||
| There's three different levels of psych facilities. | ||
| And now Obama put out another five... | ||
| Was it five million or five billion to open up more? | ||
| Because there's a need for it. | ||
| You said Obama. | ||
| You said the O-word by Nick DiPaolo. | ||
| Ah, shit, that's towards him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him. | |
| Big government ain't coming from my side of the fucking... | ||
| It sounds good, because it's wrapped in the shroud of, we're opening more mental health facilities. | ||
| That's what they always wrap their horse shit in. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's a convincing argument against big government, for sure. | ||
| It's a convincing argument that people, when you give them the opportunity to make a shitload of money by controlling a segment of anything, whether it's, you know, whatever it is, mental health, anything, as soon as they figure out there's a spot where they can start extracting money, They just do it. | ||
| They take your ambition away. | ||
| You focus on that a lot, right? | ||
| And it's totally true. | ||
| I mean, anybody who says it's not, the idea that you violate human nature. | ||
| Human nature is if someone has to scratch and scrounge, you get ambitious, you figure your way out of a hole. | ||
| That's what most people do. | ||
| A lot of the people that I've seen in these hospitals, you see a glimmer of hope that want to do that, but then they're hit by the same phrase I get way fucking tired of hearing. | ||
| It's not your fault. | ||
| You have a disease. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Those motherfuckers. | ||
| That's like a blanket statement for the times we live in. | ||
| Nobody's responsible for anything or accountable for anything. | ||
| That happened in the 70s, too, when Mr. Carl Rogers came out with positive psychology, when we sit in front of you and tell you how great you are at everything, despite how shitty you are at everything. | ||
| And so as we start to tell you you're great at everything, now we can go, well... | ||
| It's not a disease. | ||
| It's a disease. | ||
| I mean, it's not your fault. | ||
| So, you know, just be an AA the rest of your life. | ||
| Do nothing. | ||
| Wouldn't you agree, sorry to interrupt you, but it is kind of a disease? | ||
| To a point, what they're really trying to say is that after a long time of doing it, we don't know what's up with your brain. | ||
| You know, you had Carl Hart, Dr. Carl Hart on here. | ||
| I'm a huge follower of him. | ||
| Yeah, he's awesome. | ||
| When he did, you had it on here, the brain scans. | ||
| Everyone's seen the famous brain scan of methamphetamine and not. | ||
| This person's on meth, this person's not. | ||
| And you see the dark blue part and the light up part of the brain. | ||
| Well, what they don't tell you is that's normal differentiation. | ||
| If all of us took a brain map right now, it'd all be different. | ||
| And the difference between the person on meth and not on meth is within normal range. | ||
| It means fucking nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Really? | ||
| It means absolutely nothing. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| So people just sort of acclimate to it? | ||
| They see a picture. | ||
| You know, it's McDonald's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want that. | |
| There it is right there. | ||
| Yeah, that. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| How hilarious. | ||
| And he would say it means absolutely nothing. | ||
| It's all normal differentiation. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So it varies throughout the day. | ||
| It varies based on what you're doing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Remember, he says that 85% of the people using methamphetamine have never been to rehab, never been on disability and work. | ||
| Yeah, he was very illuminating. | ||
| A lot of things he was saying about what it actually feels like to get off of a drug. | ||
| He's like, everybody makes it out like it's this horrible thing to withdraw. | ||
| He's like, it's like having the flu. | ||
| It's like you feel shitty for a little while. | ||
| Alcohol and benzodiazepines are truly the only two drugs you can die detoxing from. | ||
| Alcohol is the worst. | ||
| It affects every organ in your body at once. | ||
| Isn't that what took out Amy Winehouse? | ||
| I think that's what took her out. | ||
| I think she got off of alcohol. | ||
| Withdrawal symptoms. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just whacked her out. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fucking alcohol did her in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| So how can you fix this thing? | ||
| How can this thing be fixed? | ||
| The first thing is decriminalization, period. | ||
| I mean, you don't lock somebody up when they just need help trying to get their life together, and A, drugs are a fucking symptom. | ||
| Stop treating the symptom. | ||
| I mean, we got people all cooped up, telling them they got fucking personal defects, whatever the fuck that means, and then sitting them in a circle and going... | ||
| I have a few of those. | ||
| No, no, but your higher power made you perfect. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I was trying to get better, but not anymore. | ||
| We could just start a Kickstarter and try to get a border around Florida and give it to Puerto Rico or something. | ||
| Give it to them. | ||
| At what point do you get offended when someone has a Kickstarter? | ||
| Do you get offended when someone wants to kickstart a tour or kickstart a t-shirt line? | ||
| The kickstarting, like, hey, pay my rent, people, that's a lot. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| I saw a Kickstarter the other day, a guy who did Ren and Stimpy, I forget his name, a very popular artist, and he wants to do a new cartoon. | ||
| It's that kind of stuff. | ||
| I'm creating something. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, but isn't he rich enough already? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't know if he kept that money. | ||
| He might have been doing blow. | ||
| Hey, I get sick kids. | ||
| That's the one I always see. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of that one. | ||
| Hey, my kid's sick. | ||
| Those GoFundMe ones? | ||
| The problem with those is somebody will tweet them, would you please retweet this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like... | |
| I definitely want to if it's real, but I definitely don't want to if it's fake. | ||
| So it's hard to tell. | ||
| So you've got to do a little fishing around, or you've just got to say, well... | ||
| And then it's just too much work, because I have to research and see if this kid even exists. | ||
| I asked for the x-ray of the kid's liver, and... | ||
| I need a blood sample. | ||
| If you're in Florida, they would give you the... | ||
| Blood, stool, and urine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, mail that kid and log to me. | |
| FedEx that piss to me tomorrow and I'll send you six bucks. | ||
| It's nice that people do that, though. | ||
| Like, when something legitimately does come up and someone can help somebody, I think it's cool. | ||
| I think it's one of the cooler things about the Internet that we have. | ||
| And that's ultimately what charity really should be, right? | ||
| It shouldn't be, like, something that the government provides. | ||
| It should be something that people provide to each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| It's free market. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Well, I mean, for the government, essentially, we have so many hands in the pot. | ||
| I mean, if we were all on an island and we all got some sort of virus, we've got to finish the whole antibacterial, right? | ||
| We've got to finish the antibiotic, right, to be able to cure it. | ||
| But what we're doing in the United States is going, here's ten problems. | ||
| Out of these ten problems, all of you get one antibiotic. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| And then we'll be fine. | ||
| That's what we're doing. | ||
| I mean, you've eventually got to pull everything and go, alright, we have to fix this first and then we'll move on, you know? | ||
| One person or one field or one group of people has to finish the antibiotic to help out with the virus before we're just passing out to everybody. | ||
| Did you ever feel while you were working there that you were engaged in like a system that will never be fixed? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| I mean, you must feel like that. | ||
| It broke me, man. | ||
| No shit, it broke me, man. | ||
| I walked in, you know, ready, like I said, ready to help the world and do what I can. | ||
| And by the time I had to leave, you know, well, kind of asked me to leave, after about a year or so, I was just like, what the fuck? | ||
| You know, I started feeling bad for the patients that are caught up in it, because now you're hooked on it so much, you believe it. | ||
| I mean, and a lot of people are just doing what the white coat tells them. | ||
| I mean, that's how we're taught. | ||
| So you trust your doctor. | ||
| But the days of trusting your doctor these days, unless you find really good ones, is fucking dead, man. | ||
| I mean, I got parents that call me that are friends of mine. | ||
| And they're talking to me about putting their kids on these drugs or this drug. | ||
| And he's like a six-year-old who's just an awesome fucking kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's just running around like a badass, you know, doing kid shit. | |
| Yeah, get the little boys on Ritalin. | ||
| Ten minutes I try to convince this person nothing's wrong with their own child. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Oh, something's wrong. | ||
| Oh, look. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I'm like, yeah, look, he's five and he's awesome. | |
| Well, when they tell you that a kid can't pay attention in school, so you got to put him on Adderall. | ||
| I was talking to my friend Justin about this just yesterday. | ||
| Couldn't pay attention in school, so they're putting him on Adderall. | ||
| I go, dude, school is boring as fuck. | ||
| Especially for a kid that has... | ||
| And he's a wild little kid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| Wild, energetic kid, so they'll tell you there's something wrong with you. | ||
| They put him on methamphetamine. | ||
| Put him on Adderall. | ||
| Methamphetamine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, that's what it is, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, what is it, a close cousin to methamphetamine? | ||
| Yeah, it's just one additional molecule that changes the makeup, but it's essentially the same thing. | ||
| Does it have the same effect on impulse control? | ||
| Because isn't that a big thing with meth? | ||
| Like, they start doing really dumb shit? | ||
| Well, people that may have ADHD or whatever that is, they may have it. | ||
| If, say, they drink caffeine or they do something like Adderall or a stimulant, it causes focus. | ||
| And so you get focus, and if somebody that doesn't have attention problems or etc. | ||
| drinks your coffee, you get hype, you get moving, you can't stay still, right. | ||
| So it does the opposite? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Somebody who's got ADD, if they drink caffeine, they tend to focus more? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So that makes, and I've heard that people that have ADD that drink coffee, sometimes they'll be sleepy. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's me. | ||
| 100. Brian. | ||
| I could drink coffee at 2 in the morning if I was asleep. | ||
| But isn't that also a tolerance issue because you drink a lot of coffee? | ||
| Because you drink a lot of caffeinated beverages, right? | ||
| That's true. | ||
| And now that these cold-pressed coffees, everyone has these cold-pressed, they're like 10 times the amount of caffeine than a regular iced coffee. | ||
| This is 10 times more than an iced coffee from Starbucks, and iced coffee from Starbucks is 10 times more than a hot coffee from Starbucks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| There's some crazy amount. | ||
| So cold brew has more caffeine? | ||
| Oh yeah, times more. | ||
| You've got to try one of those. | ||
| Open up that refrigerator and get one of those caveman coffees, those nitros. | ||
| Take can't even keep them in stock. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| They get you a little too amped up. | ||
| Go to the gym with those. | ||
| I tear muscles. | ||
| Yeah, start taking it. | ||
| There's some things you may not know about your own alpha brain and new mood, man. | ||
| I wanted to tell you. | ||
| What do you want to tell me? | ||
| One, I fucking love it. | ||
| It changed my life, but I don't want to put it out there and people may think that it really does what I'm gonna say it does, but it's what it did for me. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Literally, quit smoking cigarettes because of that. | ||
| How's that? | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| I think you could quit smoking cigarettes because you didn't want to smoke cigarettes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To a point. | |
| What AlphaBrain does is it helps your memory, helps what they call executive function, even helps reaction time. | ||
| There's all sorts of things that have been proven that all the ingredients in that stuff do. | ||
| And new moods. | ||
| Well, those are good things. | ||
| I had Dr. Rhonda Patrick on the podcast yesterday, and she's amazing, and she was talking about addiction. | ||
| And she was talking about people with impulse control issues and related that to serotonin deficiencies and 5-HTP and L-tryptophan, which is what new moods made out of, which converts to serotonin in your body and how important that is to maximize that. | ||
| Literally, your impulse control and addictions and things like that can be affected by those chemicals that are in your brain. | ||
| And you can supplement those chemicals and literally change the way you behave. | ||
| It's fucking bizarre stuff. | ||
| Naturally, without drugs. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah, and no withdrawal symptoms. | ||
| If you don't take Alpha Brain, you just didn't take it. | ||
| It doesn't do anything to you. | ||
| Same thing with just regular 5-HTP that you can get at any store. | ||
| Just regular 5-HTP that you can get at any vitamin store will absolutely enhance your brain's production of serotonin. | ||
| So much so that they tell people that are on SSRIs to not take it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because if you're taking that stuff, you could get like serotonin syndrome where you have too much serotonin. | ||
| I want that. | ||
| No. | ||
| Please let me have that. | ||
| I ate mushrooms twice in Toronto this last weekend. | ||
| Oh, shit, son. | ||
| Friday and Saturday night. | ||
| But the second day, I don't know if mushrooms takes your serotonin at all, but Saturday I was so sad. | ||
| I was crying at everything. | ||
| I was just in my hotel room crying. | ||
| I've never heard that before. | ||
| Are you sure it wasn't at the hotel? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It does. | |
| Does it do that? | ||
| But all you've got to do is pop two new mood after that in your grave. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So it's just your levels get depleted by mushrooms? | ||
| I never heard of mushrooms, but that's what somebody else told me. | ||
| Because the second night I was just a mess. | ||
| Maybe it's just the two nights in a row you just wrecked it. | ||
| Do you still off the cigarettes? | ||
| I kind of cheated in Toronto. | ||
| It was hard! | ||
| You're on mushrooms and everyone's smoking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I went to this bar. | |
| I went to this bar. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| It's called the Bill Hicks Bar, and this guy owns a bar called the Bill Hicks Bar, and it's this really small bar, and you walk in, and it's the most amazing little hole-in-the-wall bar. | ||
| Drinks are super cheap, and he's just a huge Hicks fan. | ||
| He's like the nicest owner ever. | ||
| What a great idea for a bar. | ||
| Highly recommend it. | ||
| It's called Bill Hicks Bar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Where is it? | |
| It's right down the street from the Comedy Underground. | ||
| From the Louis Anderson... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In a Louis Henderson daycare. | ||
| You got to see Hicks when he came through Boston, didn't you? | ||
| I got to see Hicks when I moved to New York. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He actually came up to me and said he liked one of my bits about girls having dirty tits or something. | ||
| I remember that bit. | ||
| That bit was hilarious. | ||
| And I was like, oh my god. | ||
| I was like, Ted Williams just told me I could hit a baseball. | ||
| Yeah, even when he was in his 30s, he was just such a strange guy. | ||
| He was like a mystical guy. | ||
| He died really young. | ||
| He was only like 32 or 33 when he died. | ||
| The Bill Hicks bar. | ||
| All drinks. | ||
| We walk in and he's watching Fletch on this really small TV and he has all these records hanging up. | ||
| Did it just start? | ||
| It says the shit's open. | ||
| July 13th? | ||
| Is that what it said? | ||
|
unidentified
|
18th? | |
| No, it's been open for a while. | ||
| But yeah, he closed the bar just for us and everyone from the show came over and we just drank all night. | ||
| Sounds like Brian's having a goddamn party in Toronto. | ||
| Look at you, hanging out with Dean Del Rey, partying rock star style. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's sitting there eating candy and just has bags of candy. | ||
| He's like, Brian, check this out! | ||
| And all these different Twizzlers where I'm shrooming. | ||
| He doesn't do anything, right? | ||
| He doesn't do anything. | ||
| He's been sober for 20-some years. | ||
| Meanwhile, he's wrecking his body by eating candy. | ||
| Oh, that's what I was telling him. | ||
| He's like, I quit caffeine! | ||
| I'm like, yeah, but you just ate seven Snickers bars and you have 20 gummy bears in your hands. | ||
| I love when dudes have horrible health habits and they'll talk about how they quit doing one of them. | ||
| Quit caffeine. | ||
| He was telling me the other day that, oh yeah, my memory's better, everything's better. | ||
| Quit that caffeine, man. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| Quit caffeine, yeah. | ||
| As he ate like $1,000 worth of barbecue, you know, the next day. | ||
| Barbecue's not bad for you. | ||
| It's not as bad for you as sugar. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sugar is fucking bad, man. | ||
| That was one thing that Rhonda was covering yesterday, like the effect of inflammation of sugar when you eat it and what it does to your gut health. | ||
| Poison, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially as we get the BRH, Nick DiPaolo, we get a little bit older. | ||
| I was never a sugar guy, though. | ||
| No? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I'm less of a sugar guy. | ||
| I'm getting so as I get older, though. | ||
| I'm going the other way. | ||
| I'm starting to like ice cream and shit. | ||
| I never liked ice cream and cookies and shit. | ||
| They say that about old people. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's my old man. | ||
| That's all he eats now. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| It's because you can taste it. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Who said that? | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Note to self when I'm older. | ||
| Just leave the sugar alone. | ||
| Yeah, it's just... | ||
| You can't help it. | ||
| It's all you can taste. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that what it is? | |
| Yeah, it's one of the big reasons. | ||
| I have a bit about it. | ||
| That's why I eat girls' butts now, because I can taste it. | ||
| What are they, shit and cotton candy? | ||
| No, you can't taste it anymore. | ||
| Many years of seasoning. | ||
| That's why I'm eating girl math. | ||
| Yeah, when I think of sugar treats... | ||
| That's how Brian thinks. | ||
| He's got a very linear path. | ||
| He doesn't question it. | ||
| Not if the protein's up front. | ||
| What is that shirt you're wearing? | ||
| David Cho. | ||
| Oh, it's one of his art pieces? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| David Cho. | ||
| I wore my special shirt today, too. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Is that one of your clients? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Former clients? | |
| Is that El Chapo? | ||
| That's El Chapo. | ||
| That was his middle school picture. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| No, I stole it from my friend D, but it's a shirt trying to get awareness that if, you know, the drug problem, what they're doing, the cartels are over there, this is how the kids are coming up. | ||
| And it's just kind of doing awareness. | ||
| Is that a real kid? | ||
| Oh, I don't know how they did it, but they made it happen. | ||
| He's got a big hand. | ||
| Yeah, he's got Will Chamberlain's hand. | ||
| Probably has a fucking hog on him. | ||
| Yeah, actually, I got approached by three Mexicans in a parking lot when I wore this shirt that I thought they were going to... | ||
| And they liked it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, they're mad at you? | ||
| They're mad at you? | ||
| What did they say? | ||
| Hey, white boy. | ||
| Well, who said they're Mexican? | ||
| And then I explained it. | ||
| And they were like, oh, that's good. | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| You know, but it's offensive to the first look. | ||
| Like most people, they look at it and go, oh, shit. | ||
| I'm offended. | ||
| Right away. | ||
| Naturally. | ||
| And they get angry at you. | ||
| Get a drug for that, would you, please? | ||
| Yeah, they do. | ||
| The drug for real is called Shame. | ||
| Make them less sensitive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shame. | |
| Shame. | ||
| Little Game of Thrones action. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You watch Game of Thrones, Nick? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| How dare you. | ||
| Fuck that shit. | ||
| Natasha Leggero is hilarious. | ||
| I brought it up to her. | ||
| She goes, I don't like those shows that are just make-em-ups. | ||
| I'm with her. | ||
| I can't suspend my disbelief. | ||
| I can't even watch real movies where I'm watching Angelina Jolie beat up six fucking male Navy SEALs. | ||
| I'm sorry, I can't get there. | ||
| Listen, if you know good moves and the heels are strong, they could take your living on them. | ||
| That's the best. | ||
| Stilettos. | ||
| Stilettos. | ||
| Ronda Rousey probably kicked a lot of dudes' asses with stilettos. | ||
| Well, no, but I was going to say that to you. | ||
| This is where political correctors always have to go one step too far. | ||
| I'm watching Bryant Gumbel and his stupid fucking real sports. | ||
| And they have to make the comment. | ||
| The guy goes, Ronda Rousey is the pound-for-pound, both male or female, best mixed martial arts fighter in the world. | ||
| Well, gee, let's find that out. | ||
| There's an easy way to find that out. | ||
| There's no way to find that out. | ||
| The reality about that is totally subjective. | ||
| In his opinion, she could be the best pound-for-pound fighter in the world, but you can never prove that. | ||
| That's all just completely speculation. | ||
| Well, you put her against a guy with her experience and her weight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Mayweather. | ||
| And then you find out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Just like they did in the 70s. | ||
| Remember where I rolled the sports, that guy? | ||
| I think you've got to, pound for pound, you've got to separate the genders. | ||
| This is why. | ||
| But they didn't in the premise, Joe. | ||
| That's my point. | ||
| See, the premise, it's a fake premise. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| But it's a politically correct premise. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| You're right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a fake premise. | |
| Nobody calls people on this bullshit. | ||
| I'm fucking sitting there yelling at the TV. Well, okay. | ||
| And both male and female? | ||
| She's the best? | ||
| Well, let's fucking find out. | ||
| I know somebody was calling somebody on some bullshit last night on stage, man. | ||
| You were... | ||
| Killing it last night, calling that shit out. | ||
| I'm not giving away any bits or anything. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| You were ripping somebody up, Joey? | ||
| No, it was just fun. | ||
| No, it was awesome. | ||
| Some people do it, is all I'm saying. | ||
| Some people call out bullshit, and that's just... | ||
| Oh, Joe does. | ||
| That's... | ||
| I did not know... | ||
| This is fucking weird, man. | ||
| What a weird, weird time we're in right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| You know? | ||
| This seems like there's more wackiness going on right now in the world than any time that I could ever remember. | ||
| Does it seem like that? | ||
| Like more hypocrisy, more contradiction, more chaos, more like, what the fuck? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| We gotta get through this shit right before it gets better, I'm guessing. | ||
| I don't know, does it get worse before it gets better? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I feel like it's getting better. | |
| When the words mean nothing, when the language starts, when words don't mean anything anymore, that's a sign of the times. | ||
| When language doesn't mean anymore? | ||
| Like, what do you mean? | ||
| Political correctness, like the shit, it just doesn't mean anything anymore. | ||
| I saw people yesterday on the news out here somewhere protesting. | ||
| They were upset because the restrictions are too much on sex offenders. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| They were picketing. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's well fucking finished. | ||
| Is that really someone was protesting? | ||
| If I made a movie making fun of... | ||
| I couldn't believe what I was watching. | ||
| It's like a parody of... | ||
| The sex offender one is a fucked up one, because there's evidence that shows that when you molest a child, that child is more likely, you could damage them so fucked up, they're more likely to molest somebody else. | ||
| Like, you can literally infect them with the sickness that you have. | ||
| Most people that are molesters have been molested. | ||
| How fucking crazy is that? | ||
| I mean, it's just the gift that keeps on giving. | ||
| Just the horrible, horrible, horrible disease. | ||
| I mean, that's like a disease. | ||
| It's like a disease of the psyche. | ||
| Like a herpes of the psyche. | ||
| Like more worse. | ||
| Like an AIDS of the psyche. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's a choice. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What about disease? | |
| Can you imagine running that study, though? | ||
| It's a fucking choice. | ||
| Well, it certainly is a choice to decide whether or not to do exactly the same thing that happened to you. | ||
| But the desire to do it is what's fucked up. | ||
| Like, the idea... | ||
| Like, to everyone in this room, I just assume, I like you guys, I assume none of you want to fuck kids, right? | ||
| No, but I've seen a girl underage, and I'm like, holy shit, what a piece of ass. | ||
| And I made the decision not to fucking try to move on her. | ||
| But that's different. | ||
| No, it ain't. | ||
| That's like 17 and 18. And one of the reasons why it's different... | ||
| No, I'm talking 14, with a nice ass... | ||
| Do you think there's less molesters now since porn has become so available and more available to people that you think there's less molesters? | ||
| That's a good argument. | ||
| You know, there's arguments for that. | ||
| One of the arguments is that if you give people a release, like video games or like watching even like really offensive, violent porn, that you release that tension inside of them. | ||
| And the other argument is that it stimulates their fantasy and they want to go out and make it reality. | ||
| I don't I don't know which one's right. | ||
| I think the problem is, it's both. | ||
| I think with some people, it's going to stimulate their fantasies, and they're going to want to go out and actually do that. | ||
| And with other people, it's going to satiate their evil tendencies. | ||
| And some people that were molested, they think that's what you're supposed to do. | ||
| Like, you know, somebody... | ||
| You know, like, shit, I was beat as a kid, you know, coming up a few... | ||
| It was violent enough. | ||
| And so early in my life, I thought that that's what you do. | ||
| Somebody says no, doesn't do shit, you hurt them, or you hurt something, you know? | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| And so you just kind of register that this is what happens and this is what you do. | ||
| And so a lot of people, they were, you know, I had a, I don't know, I want to tell a client's story. | ||
| Is that all right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. | ||
| Just don't say any names. | ||
| Yeah, she was molested for eight years by her brother. | ||
| And underneath, out in the barn where the dad used to work on the car, they had dug a hole and they would work underneath the car. | ||
| So the brother would take her in the middle of the night and do that. | ||
| Then dad finds out eight years and then he joins in for the next ten. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And counsel that shit. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, look at them and say, it's not your fault. | ||
| You have a disease. | ||
| Now you're fine. | ||
| Go home. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, get through that. | ||
| Well, you can never get a regular life back. | ||
| It's like that girl's life is so scarred with those images and memories, I'm sure. | ||
| But now she'll think that's what she has to do. | ||
| So she goes and would begin to put herself in situations to be raped. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Because that's the comfort zone. | ||
| That's where they're supposed to be, they believe. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Now, someone could possibly protest against stiff sentences to that. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| That's insane that people were protesting that. | ||
| They're developing communities now. | ||
| They're starting to move in one section of cities and gather in total cities like that. | ||
| Through, like, websites or something like that? | ||
| Moving to certain areas, man. | ||
| And guess what? | ||
| It's in Florida. | ||
| I thought Florida was weird when I was, like, 18. It's fucked up, man. | ||
| When Cops first came out, I go, is there any episodes not from fucking Florida? | ||
| I was asking that years ago, and now, like, comics, there's a ton of comics who do that premise now, but I was like, every episode's from, what the fuck's going on in Ocala? | ||
| I just left. | ||
| I've been living on Marco Island and Naples down south. | ||
| Oh, I know where Marco Island is, yeah. | ||
| I left there. | ||
| You could probably change the Southwest Florida tagline to come be as racist as you want to be. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You could. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I mean, in gated communities, they're hanging the old word up in the front. | ||
| I mean, they're doing shit like that. | ||
| I found a word out in Florida that I never heard before. | ||
| Geechee's. | ||
| What the hell is that? | ||
| You ever heard of Geechee's? | ||
| Lost. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Geechee's is a derogatory term for African Americans. | ||
| That's the first for me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No. | ||
| And I'm from Okoy. | ||
| A dude who lived in West Palm told me that. | ||
| They were saying that when they grew up, they were all using the word Geechee to describe black people. | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| What's the derivative? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's like their version of the n-word. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's a first for me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They just used the N-word. | ||
| Tom Segura, holla at me. | ||
| Tom Segura knows the story. | ||
| As a matter of fact, I think Tom Segura was the one who told me about it. | ||
| Tom Segura grew up in Florida. | ||
| I got a yell back on the Hey Kane on Sunset the other night. | ||
| Yelling like a black guy. | ||
| Oh, you did that to him? | ||
| Well, it wasn't to him. | ||
| I just yelled it and I got it back, man. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| I got a Hey Jay back, whoever Jay is. | ||
| Hey Jay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Tom Segura does this thing. | ||
| Explain the thing that Tom Segura does. | ||
| He yells it out. | ||
| You gotta yell like a black guy. | ||
| Shit, I could try to do it. | ||
| It was like, oh, hold up. | ||
| Oh, okay, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Then I don't need to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bikes! | |
| He has this thing where, like, if you go around a bunch of black people, yell like a black guy, like, yell something out, someone will, like, yell back. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I heard you took the title. | ||
| Did you take the title? | ||
| No, I took the title on Tom or Black. | ||
| I'm the new champion of Tom or Black. | ||
| I don't know if you know what that is, but Tom Segura on his podcast. | ||
| He's got a fucking hilarious podcast with his wife. | ||
| His wife is a really funny comic. | ||
| And Your Mom's House is their podcast. | ||
| They do this thing where it's Tom or Black, where Tom pretends to be black guys. | ||
| His audio recordings, it's either Tom or a black guy. | ||
| And you have to guess. | ||
| Oh, he can really nail that. | ||
| It's pretty close. | ||
| But I'm the champ. | ||
| I fucking called him out. | ||
| Oh, I? Seven out of ten, I was correct. | ||
| Seven out of ten, though? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I've got a good ear. | ||
| I've got a good ear for bullshit. | ||
| What? | ||
| But he's pretty goddamn good. | ||
| He's pretty good at it. | ||
| There was a couple that really tricked me. | ||
| But it's not the same audio quality. | ||
| Some of them are recorded outside. | ||
| Some of them sound like an old movie. | ||
| And you know him. | ||
| And I know him very well, so it's kind of cheating. | ||
| I was just yelling like it. | ||
| What's up, Kane? | ||
| What's up, dude? | ||
| And then they yell something back at you. | ||
| Because there was a time when... | ||
| I could slang that dialect. | ||
| Well, you have that Florida accent. | ||
| You've got a little bit of urban in your twang. | ||
| I do that. | ||
| I've gotten that most of my life. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you grow up around a lot of black people? | ||
| I did. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Both. | ||
| Where I was from, you're either... | ||
| No. | ||
| You're either redneck or ghetto. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| Where I'm from. | ||
| You only get two options, like liberal or conservative? | ||
| Or you could be me in the middle and some days be called wigger and then some days be called preppy. | ||
| It depends on what day it was and who you were hanging out with. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Florida's just a strange, strange, strange fucking place. | ||
| It is, man. | ||
| I went through immigration in Florida, landed from Costa Rica to Florida, and the person at the counter in Costa Rica, when they were writing the, you know, the, what is the, the dock? | ||
| Whatever it is when they have to take account of everybody who's in the airplane. | ||
| What's that called? | ||
| Oh, the form they hand out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, what is that? | |
| Questionnaire. | ||
| They have a form that everyone on the airplane, the docket, is that what it is? | ||
| Airline docket? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I think that's it. | ||
| Everyone's name. | ||
| Brian Redband, Nick DiPaolo, they spelled my name wrong. | ||
| So because I spelled my name wrong, my name did not match up with the name on my passport. | ||
| So I had to go through this fucking giant line. | ||
| You go into this room and you can't believe it's real. | ||
| You can't believe it's real. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking insane. | ||
| There are thousands of people. | ||
| And they're all going through because there was some sort of an error. | ||
| And then once you get through that, you go into another room because they know that your baggage, if you flew from somewhere else, you have a connecting flight, they know your baggage is never going to fucking make it. | ||
| You pick up your baggage. | ||
| You have to go through the immigration. | ||
| Then you pick up your baggage. | ||
| Then you have to get on another plane. | ||
| But everyone misses their plane. | ||
| I mean, everyone misses their connection. | ||
| Because the wait time is hours and hours and hours. | ||
| We gave ourselves two and a half hours. | ||
| We were fucked by over an hour. | ||
| By over an hour, we were fucked. | ||
| It was insane. | ||
| And they won't take your baggage within 45 minutes of the scheduled departure time. | ||
| Forget about the actual departure time, because most of the flights are delayed. | ||
| But the scheduled departure time, they lock it down, and if at 45 minutes till, it gets delayed post that, it doesn't matter. | ||
| They don't open up the luggage. | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| So you are stuck in this insane maze of ropes. | ||
| And people are going crazy. | ||
| People have to leave to take a leak. | ||
| They're holding it in if they can. | ||
| I had my kids with me, five and seven. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And they dealt with this for three hours. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| And it's fun after a while, but everywhere you look, Ebola signs. | ||
| Ebola, Ebola, signs of Ebola, signs of Ebola. | ||
| And it's hot, and you're in Miami. | ||
| And you're breathing and touching. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop! | |
| Thousands of people. | ||
| And I'm trying to tell my daughter, don't put your mouth on the railing. | ||
| Don't put your mouth on this thing. | ||
| She's five. | ||
| She's bored out of her fucking head. | ||
| Yeah, they touch their face. | ||
| We're trying to play games. | ||
| We're trying to joke around. | ||
| We're trying to have some fun. | ||
| Trying to laugh about stuff. | ||
| But after a while, it's five years old, three hours in this fucking stupid line, only to get up to find out that somebody just wrote my name down wrong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| That's what caused all that shit? | ||
| Yes, it was so ridiculous. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| It's like Hertz rent the car at L.A.A. There was no white people working there. | ||
| No managers. | ||
| There was Cuban people working there that literally didn't speak English. | ||
| Like, I'd go, now once I go to this machine, where do I go for U.S. Cubs? | ||
| This guy literally didn't speak English. | ||
| In America, working at the airport, when you land. | ||
| Well, that's what I was just bitching about. | ||
| You made me out to be a racist. | ||
| That's what I was saying. | ||
| Racist means a different thing. | ||
| I'm not talking about Hertz rental car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I know. | |
| It's even worse. | ||
| Do they don't speak English at Hertz rental cars? | ||
| I couldn't tell what this guy was saying to me. | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| He was mumbling. | ||
| He had an accent I had never fucking heard of. | ||
| He wouldn't look me in the fucking eye. | ||
| That doesn't make you racist. | ||
| You're the white oppressor. | ||
| Yeah, I'm the white oppressor. | ||
| You've got to get out of fucking Hollywood. | ||
| You've been fucking there poisoning you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've fucking lost all touch with how it's supposed to be. | |
| It's not hard to troll Nick DiPaolo. | ||
| It's very, very easy to troll Nick DiPaolo. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please. | |
| That and your nine cups of fucking Joe coffee. | ||
| That helps, too. | ||
| Gets you a little on the edge. | ||
| Don't fuck with that caveman coffee nitro. | ||
| Jesus, I can feel I'm half a key. | ||
| I've never had a Red Bull. | ||
| You've never had a Red Bull? | ||
| No. | ||
| No? | ||
| If you want some real coffee. | ||
| I get nuts on three cups of coffee. | ||
| I can't imagine. | ||
| No, that just looks like... | ||
| You are not going to drink that after he talked about licking buttholes. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Is that going to taste like sugar? | ||
| You're not going to get anybody to drink out of that. | ||
| It's the cleanest part of a woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to argue. | |
| Yeah, if she's bulimic, if she's anorexic, she eats a crouton of witching and shit. | ||
| People are very upset at you right now. | ||
| You must be eating some very skinny chicks. | ||
| That's what Eddie Bravo used to say. | ||
| The girls are on meth. | ||
| It's better to have anal sex with girls that are on meth because they don't eat, so they never poop. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| That's the rationalization. | ||
| The fact that you know that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could say that about a constipated girl, too. | |
| Now, when you're doing these counseling programs, do they ever have people come in for weed? | ||
| Yes, actually. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| Get him on heroin? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You fucking pussy! | ||
| What are you trying to do? | ||
| Be healthy? | ||
| Some of them actually come into the job. | ||
| They've been tested, so they have to come and go through it. | ||
| So I don't pay a lot of attention to them anyway. | ||
| So what do you do? | ||
| Say if a guy comes in and they say... | ||
| They're sitting in the same group. | ||
| It's all group therapy, which is the shitty part, because a group therapy modality to treat drug addiction is awful, but it's cheap. | ||
| I was wondering a job where I could say modality. | ||
| No, actually, if I say it, you know, I'm an asshole. | ||
| I have no reason to ever say modality. | ||
| It's like a clever word. | ||
| It's like you're... | ||
| The group tool? | ||
| No, no, it's a perfect word. | ||
| I'm just making fun of my own vocabulary. | ||
| But it's a bad one, man. | ||
| I mean, AA and NA, I'm not going to front, has helped millions. | ||
| I mean, I'm a fan of whatever works for you. | ||
| I mean, if somersaults work for you, fucking do that if it helps you. | ||
| So I couldn't bash anything that helps people. | ||
| But I will point out some flaws in systems. | ||
| I mean, the cult-like existence of it. | ||
| And then you tell them to change people, places, and things, but I need you every day to meet with the same people at the same places talking about the same things. | ||
| Yeah, that does sound a little... | ||
| How do you change your life if every night I gotta show up and go, well, I'm really missing that fucking needle. | ||
| I really... | ||
| And you'll see him, they paint these stories, and then people are around him like, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's like, oh man, you know when you rap it, and that whole ritual of going... | ||
| And I have to stop him. | ||
| I have to be like, dude, stop! | ||
| Two people leave the room. | ||
| Well, you're right. | ||
| They don't do that. | ||
| Jenny Craig, they don't get up and go, I had this cheeseburger the other night. | ||
| It was fucking tremendous. | ||
| Chipotle sauce. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then cover it. | |
| Blue cheese? | ||
| What kind of cheese? | ||
| I like blue cheese. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I was like, a cheeseburger with blue cheese. | ||
| It's exotic. | ||
| Oh, my goodness. | ||
| A lot of ego stroking at that shit, man. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| So they go there and they talk with romantic terms about how much they use to shoot heroin and then you give them a Zaboxin. | ||
| Then at the end they go, but I'm three days clean. | ||
| But they're taking Zaboxin. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| So you're not fucking sober. | ||
| So is Zaboxin like the same effect as heroin? | ||
| It's all the same. | ||
| All the same when it enters into the body? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| A lot of people, they get that white shit right here. | ||
| I know a few people who took that shit. | ||
| I always wanted to know this. | ||
| What is the difference between heroin and methadone? | ||
| I know methadone is really bad for you, but when I used to play pool in New York, I used to play at executive billiards in White Plains that was down the street from this methadone clinic. | ||
| And so we would call them the Methadonians. | ||
| They would come in and play pool. | ||
| And they were all, like, fucking completely zoned out, slack-jawed, and just played pool. | ||
| And they were terrible. | ||
| There was no one, no, they would never, no one ever really learned how to play. | ||
| But they would be there all the time. | ||
| They would come in there almost every day, but they would never get good at pool. | ||
| They would just come in and zone out and bang balls around. | ||
| It's the longest treatment for heroin that's been around, methadone. | ||
| If I couldn't get into the molecules and the breakdown of it, that's not my specialty. | ||
| But from the behavior of it, of how people use it, it's still daily. | ||
| I mean, and a methadone clinic will only give you up to so much. | ||
| So you go every day, get your dose, and go on about your fucking day. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Then you go back, get your dose, go on about your fucking day. | ||
| So why is that a substitute? | ||
| It's not physically good for them. | ||
| Because they control how much they give you, so you don't... | ||
| That's the only difference, really. | ||
| They're controlling the amount... | ||
| And it's an actual taxed synthetic. | ||
| It's crazy because it's actually worse for you. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| Heroin is better. | ||
| Heroin is natural, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, not really natural. | ||
| It's grass-exclusive. | ||
| It's poppy. | ||
| No GMOs. | ||
| Poppy. | ||
| Organic heroin. | ||
| Well, I always wondered why the fuck they can't grow in the United States. | ||
| I'm like, with all the greenhouses that we have, how come they can't grow coke here? | ||
| Why do they have to get it from Mexico? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I've been trying for years. | ||
| Nothing but weeds and tomatoes. | ||
| Well, I mean, you can think about why I invent Zaboxin to begin with. | ||
| To make money, right? | ||
| Well, 80% of the black tar heroin is from Afghanistan. | ||
| Well, if you want to fight an enemy, where do you hurt them? | ||
| In the fucking pockets. | ||
| That's where you hit them. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So what do you do? | ||
| Back in, I don't know, 70s, 80s, heroin was pretty expensive to a point, and it would fluctuate. | ||
| And then Zaboxin's hit, and all of a sudden heroin, you can get a $10 bag of black tar heroin easy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And a lot of people go to the heroin because prescriptions are too expensive, right? | ||
| That's what they substitute. | ||
| So if they run out and their co-pay hasn't come up yet or their days haven't flipped yet or they've sold all the pills, then they just stop by and they see the same guy. | ||
| It's the same dude on the corner most of the time. | ||
| He's like, what is it, the Suboxone or the heroin? | ||
| And it's switched. | ||
| But Suboxone you just have to take as a pill, whereas heroin you have to prepare. | ||
| You have to either shoot it or smoke it or do something with it. | ||
| You like to cook late at night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
LAUGHTER You're grilling your fish and you got your black tart. | |
| Blacked out in front of my steak. | ||
| Facing the mashed potatoes. | ||
| You see that though in these facilities, man. | ||
| That's why my friend George, he died. | ||
| And that's one of the things that happened before he died. | ||
| He was out playing pool with some friends of mine and he fucking passed out his mashed potatoes. | ||
| He really did. | ||
| He fell asleep right into his food. | ||
| And he was a straight-laced guy. | ||
| Straight-edge guy, didn't smoke cigarettes. | ||
| He was a championship pool player. | ||
| And then as he got older, he hurt his back somehow. | ||
| That's how it starts. | ||
| Got him on some fucking pills, and he was gone. | ||
| Keb was gone. | ||
| I'd say half of the people in the group start out that way. | ||
| They make us manage a group of like 15 to 22 if it's Medicare, and that's the group therapy I'm running. | ||
| Many times I'm in 28-30, which is also a violation completely. | ||
| But, I'd say half the people in there were just normal guys, you know, that got an injury, or girls, you know, got an injury, something happened, car wreck or something, you know, here's a pill, before you know it, you know, divorce, lost everything, you know, had some epilepsy or some seizures, and then they're sitting in there going, I don't know what happened. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| That fast, those pain pills, you know, can take it. | ||
| When fucking marijuana does the same thing. | ||
| But does it, though? | ||
| I don't know if it does, man. | ||
| No, extreme pain. | ||
| I've had a morphine drip. | ||
| Morphine. | ||
| One of those morphine drips. | ||
| I enjoy the morphine. | ||
| I had one up there. | ||
| What do you have done on your shoulders? | ||
| Oh, I destroyed them in high school. | ||
| Did you ever get them fixed? | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah. | ||
| I had reconstructive on both. | ||
| I'm trying to avoid one. | ||
| I got a labrum tear on this one, but I got a stem shell shot the other day. | ||
| I don't know if it's going to work. | ||
| If it doesn't work, I'm going under the knife. | ||
| But I woke up from one of the surgeries on morphine, and I got operated on Christmas Eve. | ||
| I was like a senior in high school, and there was a big styrofoam candy cane in the room, and I hit the nurse over the head with it. | ||
| Did you know what you were doing? | ||
| No, I was on fucking morphine. | ||
| You talk about a guy who all I did was drink at high school. | ||
| I didn't fucking do drugs. | ||
| All of a sudden, I'm on morphine. | ||
| Fucking get out of my room. | ||
| Did it fix your shoulders? | ||
| Yeah, I played football in college after both operations. | ||
| I had a guy named Lyle McKaley. | ||
| I still remember his name. | ||
| And I went to a doctor because I had a little bit of a tear a few years ago. | ||
| And I mentioned my doctor's name. | ||
| This was back in the 80s. | ||
| And he goes, I just went to Harvard to listen to him speak. | ||
| The guy that worked on my shoulders. | ||
| So you had a tear recently? | ||
| That was like, I had a slight tear like five years ago. | ||
| And so they don't have to operate on it? | ||
| Yeah, no, it was nothing. | ||
| But I messed them up when I was younger. | ||
| I dislocated them each about 30 times and I separated. | ||
| This guy did 30 of these operations, 30 to 40 a year. | ||
| He'd been doing them for 20 years. | ||
| He did my first one. | ||
| He goes, that's the worst shoulder I've ever seen. | ||
| Then he did my second one. | ||
| He goes, that was worse than your first one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Back in the 80s, we were lifting, we wouldn't stretch, trying to bench 300 pounds. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Just stupid shit. | ||
| And then when I got hit in football, it was really the weights that fucked me up, you know? | ||
| I played ball for a little while. | ||
| You helped me a lot when I was an open-miker, without even knowing it. | ||
| Because I saw you on stage, and I said, this guy does not look like a fucking comedian. | ||
| He looks like a big football player with a handsome bastard, but yet you were funny. | ||
| But I was like, okay. | ||
| People hate you for that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They do! | |
| Well, because we live in... | ||
| This business is Nerdville. | ||
| They fucking... | ||
| This is their turf. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They hated me. | |
| Well, the term Marc Maron literally said, like, he was joking around about it, but he said he really felt like, this is not for you guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is not for you guys. | ||
| Well, I thought I was insecure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know, and you knew. | |
| And then I saw it, because I was an open mic, but I saw you, I go, oh... | ||
| Okay, he can do it. | ||
| If he can do it, he's better looking than me. | ||
| If he can do it, he's bigger and handsomer. | ||
| I'm alright. | ||
| I'll sneak in. | ||
| Nick DiPaolo's working. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| I have a clip for me, literally my second year in the business, doing an eight-minute set at the Comedy Connection. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a football player. | |
| Yeah, and I have a suit jacket on, and it fits me like Shannon Sharpe was his on CBS Sports. | ||
| It fit like a t-shirt. | ||
| It looks so stupid. | ||
| Look at that greasy Italian mullet. | ||
| I even hate it. | ||
| I wonder why people hated me. | ||
| Well, you were a big, thick dude. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I played up at Maine and was fucking lifting weights every day. | ||
| And you could tell. | ||
| The nerds, they just don't. | ||
| That's what kills me about people in this business. | ||
| They hate people who are intolerant, yet they fucking like you. | ||
| They just automatically like to assume that you're one of those intolerant people. | ||
| That beat them up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which was true. | |
| No. | ||
| I got along with everybody. | ||
| Nerds, fucking guys who did drugs. | ||
| Yeah, so did I. I knew a lot of guys that did drugs, and I knew a lot of nerds. | ||
| I knew a lot of guys who did drugs, and that's what kept me from doing drugs when I was in high school. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I had my friend Jimmy. | ||
| He's got an older cousin and we had some mutual friends and his mutual friends. | ||
| They were three or four years older than me. | ||
| So when I was like 14 and 15, these guys were fucking hitting the wall. | ||
| They were getting out of high school and just losing their fucking minds and selling drugs and falling apart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Losing weight and getting addicted. | ||
| I was watching guys spiral out of control, and I was like fuck coke. | ||
| Sometimes that's the best way to show somebody. | ||
| Sometimes it is. | ||
| It sucks that somebody has to be your sacrificial goat. | ||
| You have to watch somebody fall apart at the altar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| Well, that's like, it's like classic. | ||
| It's a classic way that people learn, by watching other people fuck up. | ||
| And when you take away the possibility of people fucking up, then you get into some weird state that you've got in these Clinics where it's like you're not really fucking up. | ||
| So you're not really hitting rock bottom So the other people don't even see you as doing that bad. | ||
| No, right? | ||
| Oh, there's Nick. | ||
| He stays in the house That's the new normal. | ||
| Yeah, give me the box and it's good. | ||
| I got a good place with the boxing They have these rehab romances that happen all the time and It's a thing. | ||
| They're in there, you know, because I think people connect in fear more than they do love. | ||
| So two people will meet and they'll go like, well, what's your disability check? | ||
| What's my disability check? | ||
| And they go like, you know what, I love you. | ||
| We can do this together. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| And then they go out and doesn't make it. | ||
| Knuckle tattoos, black nail polish. | ||
| That's my girl. | ||
| Well, you see them, they all have the bands on because they get bands from the meetings that they go to. | ||
| And so they wear certain, everyone beads. | ||
| And so you'll see the 12-step beads all over, tons of beading in there. | ||
| It's arts and crafts. | ||
| It's summer camp. | ||
| And then a week later, they're down at Mardi Gras throwing up some guys. | ||
| Fucking party! | ||
| Which is weird, because I got notes of summer camp, to where these people come back so much, their hand things they draw and their art that they did the last time in rehab are all over the wall and shit. | ||
| And so they're coming back like it was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what he's talking about, right? | |
| I'm dead serious! | ||
| They draw their hands and there are five affirmations, you know? | ||
| Oh, five affirmations. | ||
| Oh, it wasn't a... | ||
| They have diseases. | ||
| It's a disease, Nick Tappalo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Don't do it, Joe. | ||
| But it's kind of a disease, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| Being addicted. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| He says nope. | ||
| Just nope. | ||
| No room for discussion. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You say nope as well. | |
| I love the discussion. | ||
| No, there's no room for discussion. | ||
| I've fucking discussed it a million times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't bring it up in a facility, though. | |
| Let me get rid of the word disease, because I think disease, like a lot of other words, has a lot of weight behind it, right? | ||
| It's general, though. | ||
| So let's just say, instead of a disease, when a person becomes addicted to something, there's obviously a physical issue. | ||
| So, call it a disease, call it an ailment, call it a something. | ||
| When someone gets addicted... | ||
| Call it a behavior. | ||
| It's definitely a behavior that locked it in, but once you get addicted and you're just trapped in the clutches of a drug, what is that if it's not a disease? | ||
| For me, it's behavioral. | ||
| For me, it's all behavioral. | ||
| The using is a symptom. | ||
| The drugs themselves, it's a symptom of something else. | ||
| I would tell you that 8 out of the 10 people that are sitting in my group therapy when I was doing it have been child abused, have been through some serious shit. | ||
| And so most of it, it comes from that. | ||
| Now, the drugs they put on top of it, if it's If you only counsel, hey, you're so focused on this drug, it becomes the drug is the problem. | ||
| And you ignore the shit that the person's going through, been through, the fact that, I don't know, whatever's happened to them. | ||
| And so we'd rather beat them up about their inability to make a choice not to do a drug than really work out of, what's the drug give you? | ||
| What are you getting by using the drug? | ||
| Can you teach how to use the drug better? | ||
| Can you swap drugs even? | ||
| So they just get pimped out by the system, essentially. | ||
| One hundred percent, man. | ||
| One hundred percent. | ||
| And bipolar, this fucking diagnosis that drives me absolutely insane. | ||
| Now, there's a DSM-4, you know, the DSM-4. | ||
| Why does it drive you insane? | ||
| Because everybody, A, thinks they have it. | ||
| And it's really, really rare. | ||
| It's a rare diagnosis. | ||
| I think I got it. | ||
| That's what people do, though. | ||
| I feel like I got it. | ||
| They Google some shit. | ||
| Do I look like, maybe? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bipolar? | |
| No. | ||
| No, but didn't you say when you were a kid, when I first met you, you said you had like a testosterone and over a mount, when you said you were like, when I first met you doing comedy, you were like, thyroid. | ||
| Oh, was it a thyroid? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You were like fucking nuts. | ||
| When I first met me, no, I was still fighting. | ||
| Yeah, I was, I mean, that was just out of my mind, out of fear, I'm sure. | ||
| But you said when you were younger, as a kid, you always had, like, hyper-energy and shit. | ||
| When you grow up with violence, I grew up with domestic violence, when you grow up with that, you're programmed to respond and react quickly. | ||
| You know who told me about this? | ||
| Hyper-vigilance. | ||
| We call it hyper-vigilance. | ||
| Yeah, there's... | ||
| There's a lot of studies being done on kids who grew up in violent households, and when they become football players or pro football players, and they're involved in domestic violence or fighters as well, they develop this hair-trigger reaction to things, overreact, make mistakes that they can't rebound from, and a lot of it is because they think of the actual programming that occurs when they're in the womb, even. | ||
| When their mother is experiencing violence from the father, Literally changes their genes in the womb. | ||
| It does. | ||
| They actually come out and fearful of the father's voice. | ||
| Yeah, that makes sense. | ||
| Michael Irvin told me this. | ||
| I was on a plane flight with him just randomly and luckily. | ||
| He's the nicest fucking guy in the world. | ||
| I like her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's cool. | |
| Such a nice guy. | ||
| And we were flying to Australia together. | ||
| This was a long-ass flight, so we had a long conversation. | ||
| Because, you know, they have that little area in the middle where the bathroom is. | ||
| You can stand up and stretch your legs. | ||
| Him and I are just talking about football and about the work that he's been doing with young kids that grow up around violence. | ||
| So that was, you know, I'd grown up around that, and then I'd competed in martial arts tournaments. | ||
| From the time I was 15 to 21. When you met me, I was very crazy. | ||
| It took me a long time to relax. | ||
| I feel the same, Joe. | ||
| I don't know what your family life was like, but mine was violent every day, man. | ||
| Day in and day out. | ||
| I played football myself. | ||
| I used to be 245. I was a lot bigger than this. | ||
| And, you know, I had that hair trigger. | ||
| That was the reaction. | ||
| And that's why I went into football. | ||
| And what I like to talk to people about is, I mean, it's a war zone. | ||
| When your home is really like that and you're a child, there's no difference than going to Afghanistan and a soldier going through what they go through. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Post-traumatic. | |
| Right, post-traumatic. | ||
| And then a three-year-old that every day is watching, you know, his father choke his mom to sleep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Throw her across the room or put guns in their own mouths. | ||
| Mine sounds a lot less than yours and I got out when I was five and then my mom remarried the nicest guy. | ||
| He's like a hippie. | ||
| So, changed. | ||
| Completely. | ||
| All violence was gone. | ||
| All violence was gone. | ||
| So then I had to reintroduce it into my life by fighting. | ||
| Football was that outlet for me, man. | ||
| I got an adopted 15-year-old daughter. | ||
| So when you hear about the stepdad, when you say that, her dad's a piece of shit. | ||
| He's out of the picture and has been since she was five. | ||
| So for about ten years, she's mine. | ||
| And I think we came in just in time, you know, to where none of that's around. | ||
| You know, but... | ||
| The violence does so much for the influence and what children do and become and how they react. | ||
| I mean, if you go back to the primal era, you know, when we had to react, it was life or death, fight or flight. | ||
| You implement that into a three-year-old who literally, or seven or five, who's literally worried about the big monster named Daddy who's going to cut on the hall light and come in the room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, this is a fucking giant to these tiny, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then you're picked up. | ||
| Now, add that, and then think about that woman who was molested by her brother and her father. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And you're going to say, what? | ||
| Come here for 30 days and let's talk about it and good luck? | ||
| I mean, that's it? | ||
| That's what we fucking offer them? | ||
| Just, here's more drugs. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| You know, I've had some clients where I wanted to be like, you know what? | ||
| Just keep doing fucking drugs, man. | ||
| It's not going to get any better. | ||
| You're having more fun this way. | ||
| You know, just control it. | ||
| Try not to kill yourself. | ||
| Do you remember back then, Nick, when we were like 21, 22 years old? | ||
| Like, do you remember how, like, hair-triggered you were as a young man? | ||
| Do you really take into consideration the amount of mellowing you've done over time? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Especially you and, like, football guys in particular. | ||
| That is a fucking explosive sport. | ||
| Think about what a regular kid does during the day, or a regular kid does that doesn't play a sport like that, and then what you're doing. | ||
| You're involved in fucking collusions with big, giant dudes. | ||
| I mean, think about what you did to your shoulders. | ||
| All that kind of crazy chaos and violence becomes a part of your normal, everyday world. | ||
| Not to mention your testosterone levels growing up, and then you throw booze on that at a party. | ||
| My first girlfriend broke up with me because I got in a couple of fights at parties. | ||
| But what else do you do with it? | ||
| I mean, you're bred to be a fucking warrior from day one. | ||
| Well, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| It's a healthy outlet to play football and stuff at that point. | ||
| You can get a lot of trouble if you don't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| I mean, I know guys who didn't play that were fucking pretty violent. | ||
| At least I was taking it out, you know, on people in practice. | ||
| Well, I think there's definitely something to be said for finding an outlet for violence. | ||
| Like an outlet for aggressive... | ||
| Action and something that calms your body down, especially for young men. | ||
| I mean football is a tricky one because there's the fucking studies that are coming back now on football. | ||
| I'm not a fan anymore, man. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck happened. | ||
| I was a huge football fan, watched it all the time, played it, and the more research that I've been learning from Amber Lyon or Rhonda Patrick that talk about the head injuries, etc. | ||
| I'm like, fuck, the last ten years of my life, I'm fucked. | ||
| Somebody was relaying a story. | ||
| I don't remember the entire story, but it was about a football player in college. | ||
| He gets knocked out. | ||
| He gets dinged, like, real bad. | ||
| But he's, you know, he's moving around. | ||
| They sit on the sidelines. | ||
| They send him back in. | ||
| He gets smashed again, and now permanent damage. | ||
| And he's fucked. | ||
| Still fucked. | ||
| Many, many years later, he's still a wreck. | ||
| I know of four concussions. | ||
| I know of four. | ||
| But I also know of plenty of times when I got dinged and went back into the game. | ||
| So I'm a little nervous myself. | ||
| He and I got hit by a car when I was 11 years old. | ||
| It was in the hospital for a week. | ||
| Maybe that's what made you funny. | ||
| Did you ever think about that? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| I brought it up in some article. | ||
| That can't be true, Joe, because I've been in four total car accidents, and I played semi-pro football, and I have my moments, and that's about it. | ||
| You obviously forget that John Travolta movie where you get hit by lightning and you can read people's minds. | ||
| Because it doesn't work the same on everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, man. | |
| Angel. | ||
| But it does, for some people, they have head injuries and all of a sudden they have new skills. | ||
| They can do math, they can play music. | ||
| They can dance. | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| They can do therapy. | ||
| They can do therapy. | ||
| Yeah, it doesn't always work. | ||
| But sometimes it does. | ||
| Yeah, I wonder all the time. | ||
| I know. | ||
| The reason why I said it is because that's what happened to Kinnison. | ||
| He got hit by a car when he was a little kid. | ||
| They said that when Kinnison was young, he was one way. | ||
| He was like normal, regular kid. | ||
| And then he got hit by a car and like real bad. | ||
| And then when he got out of whatever the fuck he was in, all of a sudden he was Kinnison. | ||
| Wild, impulsive, didn't give a fuck! | ||
| He became that wild crazy preacher guy, like literally became that from a car accident. | ||
| When you start talking TBIs and traumatic brain injuries and that who is walking into these facilities, it's amazing how fucking arrogant these psychiatrists act. | ||
| Because we literally know almost nothing about real TBIs. | ||
| You know, where the brain, you get hit here, it could do We don't know. | ||
| So what happens is a guy who walks in who has a traumatic brain injury, a definite TBI, what they start doing is playing with psychotropic medication. | ||
| And they start saying, well, if it's in this area and this is the behavior, so they throw you six, seven cocktails of pills hoping they guess the right way. | ||
| And antidepressants are the same fucking way. | ||
| And I tell people, man, the last thing you want to do is go right to a fucking antidepressant before you do anything. | ||
| Don't do that yet. | ||
| Because once you start to walk down that road, it can be years before you baseline again. | ||
| So it's like a one flew over the cuckoo's nest, but just a more sophisticated version, but still just as chaotic. | ||
| They're fucking guessing! | ||
| That's why they'll tell you an SSRI won't work for you your whole life. | ||
| This will work for a while, but we got to try these nine until we find the one that does. | ||
| This one will work for a while, then when it doesn't, we'll switch. | ||
| And the scariest part, I had a... | ||
| It's a wannabe podcast, but I was just having fun with it. | ||
| It was called The Cognitive Rampage. | ||
| I think all podcasts are wannabe podcasts. | ||
| There's no legitimate podcast. | ||
| Except for yours. | ||
| This is totally illegitimate. | ||
| This is a real deal. | ||
| It's sort of, but not really. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| I'll show you an illegitimate podcast. | ||
| Brian and I know the origins of it. | ||
| Can I say a doctor's name on here? | ||
| I had a bipolar specialist named Dr. Louis Brodsky. | ||
| And all he's done is focused on bipolar. | ||
|
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And so what his issue is... | |
| Most people, they'll walk into a facility, right? | ||
| 75% of them are getting diagnosed with depression, right? | ||
| Here's your antidepressant out the door. | ||
| The doc spent three minutes with you, your general practitioner, asked you some sadness questions, you fit the criteria, try this antidepressant. | ||
| They don't tell you, you're about to fuck your whole chemical shit up. | ||
| You're about to screw your brain up, but what happens though? | ||
| If you're bipolar truly, and you take an antidepressant, The first two or three days, you're going to feel like God. | ||
| You're going to feel like everything has been fixed and been better in my life and think you have the right pill. | ||
| Every doctor at that point should know, oh shit, we fucked up. | ||
| You give someone who's bipolar an antidepressant or SSRIs and they cycle faster, almost twice to three times as faster than they ever cycled before in their life. | ||
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Wow. | |
| So think about how many people are going to a doctor, talk about some typical sadness or depression, hear Zoloft or some shit, you go home and they're like, man, this is great! | ||
| Left side field, I'm getting a little tangential, but had a guy, both his sons killed themselves, and I was counseling him. | ||
| Doc gave him, thought he was depressed, gave him any depressant, the second day after it, he said, I'm over it all. | ||
| All of this was meant to happen. | ||
| You can tell that's not natural. | ||
| And he was happy and ready to go. | ||
| Ready to go. | ||
| And then, two days later, starts to cycle hard from manic to heavy, manic to suicidal, manic to suicidal. | ||
| That stuff works for, like, my dad's going to be 80, you know? | ||
| And I got an uncle who's 85. And that's when it works. | ||
| The antidepressant helped them both. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But that's... | ||
| It works for some people. | ||
| The people that I know that have worked for, that has worked for, out of them, I know a few, but two of them have cycled off of it. | ||
| It helped them, they fixed their life, they got their life in order, and then once their life was ordered, then they weed themselves off of it. | ||
| How you're supposed to do it. | ||
| Well, they both did it that way. | ||
| One of my friends from Jiu-Jitsu and a comedian friend of mine. | ||
| Yeah, they definitely work. | ||
| I wouldn't bash that at all, but as your first go-to, there's a lot of other things you can try. | ||
| Changing your routine, trying to find different things to get involved with. | ||
| There's a lot of things to do before you start going to quick magic pill fix. | ||
| Listen, man, thanks for doing this. | ||
| I'm glad I met you last night. | ||
| It was a fortuitous opportunity to have a conversation with you, and I knew that we would have a cool talk. | ||
| I very rarely do this. | ||
| Perfect symmetry. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| It worked out. | ||
| The fucking universe was looking out for us. | ||
| Nick DiPaolo, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| One of the funniest comics in the world, for sure. | ||
| NickDip.com. | ||
| NickDip.com. | ||
| What is the album they can still buy? | ||
| Another Senses Killing. | ||
| If you use the coupon code Nick, you get three bucks off. | ||
| Hit me up at Nick DiPaolo on Twitter. | ||
| My podcast at RiotCast.com. | ||
| And I'll be at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club tonight. | ||
|
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This airs Ventura Harbor Comedy Club in Ventura, California tonight. | |
| Find me at adamlowery.com or thecognitiverampage.com. | ||
| And it's spelled L-O-W-E-R-Y, adamlowery.com. | ||
| Brian Redman is doing a water show with burlesque dancers and electrical cords all throughout Canada. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| That sounds filthy. | ||
| That's what I heard? | ||
| No, I'm going to be next Thursday. | ||
| You did what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Next Thursday I'll be with Dean Del Rey at the San Jose Improv. | ||
| And then August 5th I have a secret show at the Comedy Store. | ||
| It's my birthday show, so that's going to be a lot of fun. | ||
| Glorious. | ||
| He'll be 62. Glorious. | ||
| And you're tonight at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club? | ||
| Tonight at the Ventura Harbor Comedy Club. | ||
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Woof. | |
| Ladies and gentlemen, that's it. | ||
| We'll see you next week. | ||
| Until then, much love. | ||
| Bye-bye and big kiss. |
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