July 7, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:56:54
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| We're live. | ||
| Ba-bam. | ||
| So this story's about... | ||
| We're talking about G. Gordon Liddy. | ||
| So G. Gordon Liddy, in this episode of Miami Vice, was a sergeant in Vietnam, and right when Saigon fell, he held on to 300 kilos of pure heroin, and he took it to the United States in dead bodies. | ||
| This is what the episode's about. | ||
| 1986, Miami Vice. | ||
| They bring it to Miami, and he sat on it for 20 years. | ||
| Until the value went all the way up, just like an investment. | ||
| And then he let it loose, but by that time it had gotten contaminated and started killing junkies all up and down on the East Coast. | ||
| What a brilliant episode. | ||
| So they had to go in and dig for G. Gore and Liddy, and this motherfucker shows up, right, for like this board meeting. | ||
| That's when I had to leave the house. | ||
| He shows up to this board meeting, he's like, yeah, the heroin was mine, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| He goes, I guarantee, they called him Sergeant Real Estate. | ||
| And in the episode, he goes, I guess you guys forget who the hell I am. | ||
| He turns around, he goes in his briefcase, and he throws a chain of ears on the tape when he walks out. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's the episode. | ||
| Tremendous. | ||
| And this is 80-what? | ||
| This is 86, this episode on Miami. | ||
| This is way before American Gangster was talking about it. | ||
| This was already out that they were bringing heroin and dead bodies. | ||
| And that's how the episode starts. | ||
| The reporter takes Don Johnson to the morgue and he opens it up in Vietnam and he goes, this is your friend. | ||
| Stick your hand in there. | ||
| It was just pure heroin. | ||
| That was what they did, right? | ||
| That's what they were doing towards the end. | ||
| I don't know, the beginning. | ||
| But it was really the CIA. They're blaming it all on some black guy from Harlem. | ||
| Well, you know, there's a guy named Mr. Nice. | ||
| I forget what his name is. | ||
| Something, Banks? | ||
| A famous drug dealer. | ||
| What he said was it wasn't the CIA. What it was is some people in the CIA. He said it's some cowboys in the CIA. And that's what makes the most sense to me. | ||
| Like, this idea that the big organization in the CIA would be involved in drug smuggling seems like so crazy. | ||
| A to Z, Joe Rogan? | ||
| It's too many heads turned. | ||
| There's plenty of people. | ||
| There's plenty of people that did do it. | ||
| Look, there's plenty of examples. | ||
| Like, there's an example right now of this thing called the Silk Road. | ||
| You know about the Silk Road? | ||
| The Silk Road was this underground drug-dealing network that this guy had created. | ||
| And they were just selling mad money, mad drugs underground. | ||
| And they created this thing. | ||
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It's a total... | |
| What it is, is it operates like completely under the wire. | ||
| And these DEA guys, I think it was DEA? They infiltrated it. | ||
| And they got into the Silk Road. | ||
| One of the first things they did, they started stealing money. | ||
| Now these guys are in jail. | ||
| They're going to jail right now. | ||
| They're in court right now. | ||
| And they're wondering whether or not this case is even valid, because these guys for sure had access to this guy's account. | ||
| And part of what they were trying to try this guy on is his complicit... | ||
| He was complicit in the drug selling, and there was also some possibility that people were murdered, although there was no body. | ||
| There's a lot of kinky shit going on with this. | ||
| And the kinkiest part is that the agents were stealing money. | ||
| Bitcoins. | ||
| Yes, they were stealing hundreds of thousands of dollars in Bitcoin. | ||
| So they realized that there was a lot of value in this. | ||
| Like, that shit has always gone on. | ||
| I think the reason why you have guys like this that are showing up in the Silk Road case, there's always been cowboys. | ||
| But I think there's been good guys, too. | ||
| There's been guys who are in the CIA that really did it for America. | ||
| I had this guy Michael Baker in, man. | ||
| I'm pretty good at recognizing bullshit. | ||
| You know, and he's a longtime CIA operative, and he's a fucking great guy. | ||
| I mean, he really does seem like he loves America. | ||
| Like, I don't think he's bullshitting. | ||
| I think there's a lot of those guys, they get in those positions, and they get a group of them together, just like they did with Rampart, with those fucking bad cops. | ||
| They get a group of them together, and they go, look, What happened? | ||
| Oops, I popped that out. | ||
| They get together. | ||
| Look, all these guys are making money, right? | ||
| Fuck them! | ||
| They're all criminals and scumbags and cunts. | ||
| Let's just get some of this money, man. | ||
| Let's just get some of this money. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| You're never gonna stop these fucking people. | ||
| This is what we do. | ||
| We keep throwing a few of them in jail. | ||
| We do whatever the fuck we gotta do. | ||
| We're the gang here. | ||
| We got the law on our side. | ||
| Let's fucking make some money. | ||
| Well, when I said CIA, I shouldn't have said that. | ||
| You're absolutely right. | ||
| There was factions, like a brown bag, like a black bag faction that went in after the Marines would go in and they'd shoot everybody and throw cards. | ||
| You know, whatever the fuck it was. | ||
| When you're shipping heroin, From wherever the fuck that is considered, all the way to the United States, through three or two different airports, and people have to unload them, and you have, you know, whatever people walking through your plane when they first come in, you know, to inspect them. | ||
| That's a lot of people you gotta grease. | ||
| There has to be somebody huge. | ||
| You know, this isn't me and you getting a boat and going to Columbia and paying some guy with me and Red Band and we just shoot across with police scanners and try our best. | ||
| You know, to make, to infiltrate, to bring in that amount of heroin, you have to spend a lot of dough. | ||
| That's where your costs come in. | ||
| That's where you set the wholesale and the retail prices. | ||
| You know, years ago, 20 years ago, they would smuggle it 60 miles in, 70, 45, 50 miles in from the United States around Miami, and they would dump it overboard with weights. | ||
| And 12 hours later, the boom would explode, and the bales would rise up, and you'd come by, a fisherman would come by and put the bales in. | ||
| Meanwhile, the DEA was looking for that boat that was speeding across on their radar. | ||
| But they would throw, you know, that takes expensive equipment to devise, something to throw you, you know, 50 pounds of cocaine 100 feet under the water, and then 12 hours later, everything blows, and your coke rises to the top. | ||
| And now some guy comes and just picks it up. | ||
| This is brilliant stuff. | ||
| That's so crazy! | ||
| That's really what they did? | ||
| That was one part of the things they did. | ||
| You know, after a while, to beat the federal government, you gotta, you gotta, and it doesn't, listen, man, what the budget is for fighting drugs and what a drug dealer spends a month, I'm talking about a guy that's bringing in a thousand kilos a month of powder, whether it be heroin or fucking cocaine. | ||
| That's big! | ||
| Somebody's got to be turning around. | ||
| And they were flooding the market with heroin. | ||
| I remember being a little boy in New York and going to visit my godmother or my mother's friends and seeing people everywhere nodding. | ||
| Early New York to me was a fucking... | ||
| What's the show now where people are dead walking around Atlanta? | ||
| Walking here. | ||
| I saw that growing up. | ||
| I saw that growing up as a kid. | ||
| That's Skid Row. | ||
| Where they used to have, in Harlem, Spanish Harlem, Black Harlem. | ||
| Skid Row is scarier than all those places. | ||
| You know, they had people nodding at the lights. | ||
| People waiting across the street and they'd nod at the fucking lights. | ||
| You know what they don't have, though, in New York, that they have here in L.A.? See, in New York, all these cities have buildings. | ||
| There's, like, these streets where these people are. | ||
| It's like, these are places where other folks go. | ||
| Like, you got all your homeless people, you got, you know, your poor people, but there's cars that go through those areas, and it's, you know, it's well-traveled. | ||
| Like, New York blends more. | ||
| L.A. has these blocks that are just homeless people. | ||
| And when I mean just homeless people, I'm talking... | ||
| Thousands. | ||
| Like, there literally might be a thousand people on this block. | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| You've seen them? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You make a wrong turn and you get right in the middle of it also. | ||
| It's a Michael Jackson video. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| Where? | ||
| Downtown. | ||
| There's a spot, what they call Skid Row. | ||
| It actually says, if you go on Google Map and type Skid Row Los Angeles, it actually says Skid Row on the map. | ||
| And is it like a mile long? | ||
| I mean, is it a couple blocks long? | ||
| I'll show you. | ||
| It's a lot. | ||
| There's more than one area. | ||
| There's like one long street. | ||
| But we used to work, when we did Fear Factor, we used to work in these buildings. | ||
| And these buildings were a lot of them abandoned textile buildings, or they were renting them out. | ||
| It's where American Apparel actually is made. | ||
| It's really weird. | ||
| We were in the American Apparel factory. | ||
| We had to go through the American Apparel factory to get to the roof. | ||
| We watched them make their clothes. | ||
| They do make them in downtown LA. It's like one of the things they pride themselves in. | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| Fuckin' Christ, Joey Diaz! | ||
| But we would go to the top of these, um... | ||
| Hang up on it. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| You checking to see who the fuck it is? | ||
| No, I'm checking it right now. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| That's all right. | ||
| We would go to the top of these buildings, and you could literally... | ||
| There was areas where, you know, you could see them, like, leaking out into the rest of the streets. | ||
| And if you drove down there, if you drove down the street... | ||
| I'm not bullshitting. | ||
| You would see hundreds, hundreds of homeless people just swarming the streets. | ||
| And there's these areas where they have, like, um... | ||
| It's crazy, Joey. | ||
| They have these areas where they have, like, they give them food, or they have, you know, areas where they can get medical assistance, stuff like that, and those areas are particularly dense. | ||
| Now, when I shot NYPD Blue, I shot at a downtown location, that's a pool hall, kind of, sort of, and they had tons of homeless people, and when I was standing there, I heard people going in, talking about how they had day rentals, The government would pay for 15 days and they'd be out in the street for 15 days. | ||
| Shit like that. | ||
| But I didn't see that. | ||
| I didn't see like a tent ville like that. | ||
| This seems mild compared to what I saw. | ||
| When was this? | ||
| What year is this? | ||
| Well, maybe they've cleaned it up a little. | ||
| Well, it's also during the day. | ||
| I've gone through the night at nighttime, and that's scary as fuck. | ||
| Jamie, hold on, go back, go back. | ||
| I want to see what the statistics were. | ||
| There's homeless people in every city, and it's out of proportion in some cities more than others. | ||
| Here, pause on that for a second. | ||
| Skid Row is an area of downtown L.A., 2,000. | ||
| The population of the district was 17,740. | ||
| Skid Row is defined as... | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| What the fuck does that mean? | ||
| Defined in a decision by Jones versus City of Los Angeles is the area east of Main Street, south of 3rd Street, and west of Alameda Street. | ||
| So it's kind of like a block. | ||
| It's like an area. | ||
| But that area has 17,000 homeless people. | ||
| Is that right? | ||
| That's a goddamn Kevin Hart concert. | ||
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Yeah. | |
| With the fire and everything. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Kevin Hart sold out Madison Square Garden three fucking shows in a row. | ||
| He's a monster. | ||
| Comedy's at an all-time high. | ||
| He's the biggest comedian of all time. | ||
| Kevin, no one's ever been as big as Kevin Hart. | ||
| As far as popularity, no one even close. | ||
| I can't think of one person. | ||
| I think there's a couple guys that got up to that edge, but I think he's taken it to a totally different stratosphere. | ||
| Dane got pretty far. | ||
| He got on that edge. | ||
| Louie's on that edge. | ||
| But Kevin Hart is, like, routinely doing these crazy arena shows. | ||
| He's doing 40,000-plus people, or he's sold 40,000-plus tickets already for a show in Philly where he's filming a special. | ||
| Dude, it's just total next-level positive energy shit. | ||
| And if you go to that kid's Instagram page, his Instagram is all about, like, positive, like, energy, like, going to work. | ||
| I'm doing what I love to do. | ||
| I'm working. | ||
| Shows him in the gym, putting work in. | ||
| He does 5ks with people in neighborhoods and shit. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| They were chasing him last week in Boston. | ||
| He flew into the 5k. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He's got a reality show. | ||
| He's got a cartoon. | ||
| He never stops. | ||
| He's got his own line of underwear. | ||
| He'd do whatever the fuck he wants. | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| It would suck being in those concerts, though, and being like the back. | ||
| That cannot be enjoyable. | ||
| They have huge screens. | ||
| Huge screens. | ||
| And the way they acoustically set up these things, it used to be a problem. | ||
| I told you that I used to work at Great Woods. | ||
| This is kind of a funny story. | ||
| Because it was during a Bill Cosby show that there was an issue. | ||
| Bill Cosby and there was a Roddy Dangerfield show, the same issue. | ||
| And the issue was, the way Great Woods is set up, it's an amphitheater. | ||
| So you're indoors and part of it, and part of it is outdoors. | ||
| The back of it leads out to this lawn area, or at least it did when I worked there. | ||
| And so, you could hear, if you were under the canopy, there was like an acoustic canopy above all the seats in the front, but then the back, there was no seats. | ||
| So it's like, you had monsters behind you. | ||
| So you're trying to watch a show, like, there was one big fight, I think, I want to say it was... | ||
| Was Judas Priest? | ||
| Was it Judas Priest? | ||
| No, Jethro Tull. | ||
| It was Jethro Tull. | ||
| There was a Jethro Tull concert, and there was a fucking mad riot because people started lighting fires up in the hood, up in the grass area. | ||
| They were just lighting fires, and there was not enough of us. | ||
| To sort of like control it all. | ||
| Because it was getting really fucking crazy. | ||
| So I put my security jacket. | ||
| I put a hoodie on over my security jacket. | ||
| Zipped it up. | ||
| Threw the hoodie over my head and said, fuck this job. | ||
| And I just quit. | ||
| I was like, you can't pay me nine bucks an hour to get killed. | ||
| Because this is fucking madness. | ||
| I saw fist fights. | ||
| My friend Larry, who's like one of the nicest guys in the world, punched some guy. | ||
| And I was like, I'm fucking mad. | ||
| If Larry's hitting people, Larry's like the sweetest of sweethearts. | ||
| And I'm like, if this guy's hitting people, I am gone. | ||
| This is a madness in the air. | ||
| I gotta get the fuck out of here. | ||
| I got pissed off for the Ghetto Hotel concert, too, because he breaks out the flute. | ||
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Once he breaks out the flute, you're like, what the fuck is this? | |
| People from the East Coast, we don't like flutes. | ||
| We don't like flutes. | ||
| My point was, in the back area, the green grass area, you couldn't hear the words. | ||
| You didn't understand what the fuck it was. | ||
| It was all echoes. | ||
| It was all blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Like, people were pissed. | ||
| They'd go, I don't know what the fuck he's saying. | ||
| And Rodney was killing, too, and so was Cosby. | ||
| Cosby was killing, too. | ||
| We were just, Jamie and I were talking about Red Rocks. | ||
| If you've been to Red Rocks, You get so impressed with the sound. | ||
| You're like, gee, and I went like an 80-something, and then I went like a 90-something, and it was like being indoors. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| And Fiddler's Green, which is a little smaller, I think, on the other side of Denver, they had an issue there, but now, even the Hollywood Bowl. | ||
| Jesus, look at Red Rock. | ||
| How many people are there? | ||
| What's the popular? | ||
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I don't know. | |
| Not too many, I think. | ||
| I don't think. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Look how beautiful that is. | ||
| Did you do stand-up there? | ||
| Did you ever do stand-up there? | ||
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No, no. | |
| They do it. | ||
| They do it there. | ||
| Yeah, somebody did it. | ||
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Brody. | |
| Chuck Roy was doing a set there. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Somebody did it. | ||
| He was doing like a movie night where he would like host and do some comedy. | ||
| Yeah, Brody did. | ||
| Look how beautiful. | ||
| Brody didn't get paid for that one. | ||
| That was one that Brody didn't get paid for. | ||
| They fucked him out. | ||
| Did you know the whole story? | ||
| He went on Twitter. | ||
| He got his money. | ||
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He should have fucking went on Twitter. | |
| Did he get his money? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Well, we were retweeting it. | ||
| Yeah, he's like, I'm sorry. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I finally got my money for concert number three or whatever. | ||
| Listen, what they did was crazy. | ||
| What they did was crazy. | ||
| He had two shows. | ||
| One was in a small theater and one was in this big theater. | ||
| He was doing the show in the small theater and they go, would you like to do a show in the big theater? | ||
| So he goes, yeah, sure. | ||
| Thinking he's going to get paid. | ||
| They ask him, do you want to work? | ||
| They put his name on the bill. | ||
| He tweeted pictures of the lineup. | ||
| They had his name in the lineup. | ||
| It wasn't like a guest set or anything like that. | ||
| It was a guy they had scheduled on the show. | ||
| And nobody wants to go up first. | ||
| You don't want to go up first in front of fucking 15,000 people. | ||
| You want to get the crowd warmed up first. | ||
| Brody had to go up there and do the hardest spot of the night. | ||
| The second hardest spot of the night. | ||
| The hardest spot of the night is like following someone who crushes. | ||
| Like if you're going on after Diaz, that's the hardest spot of the night. | ||
| But the second hardest part of the night is the first guy. | ||
| The first guy, this first couple minutes is kind of like a throwaway. | ||
| You got to kind of get everybody loose, get everybody feeling good, and then boom hit them and the material has got to have very few bumps in it because you're trying to hypnotize these fuckers. | ||
| So like the early material has got to be like real smooth. | ||
| The more herky-jerky the earlier stuff is, Less likely to trust you, you motherfucker. | ||
| You can't even get me in a goddamn trance. | ||
| You're slipping up your words, you know? | ||
| But if you go out there just smooth style and just walk right into it and really know what the fuck you're doing to get things started, you forget about that. | ||
| I forget about that. | ||
| I opened for Callan when he was doing his DVD and I just opened. | ||
| It was the first time I had done that in forever. | ||
| I was like, ooh, this is interesting. | ||
| This is like a different... | ||
| You kind of got to get everybody... | ||
| You feel it. | ||
| You feel like they're not quite there yet. | ||
| You got to kind of like massage and then you start to fucking crank it up and make them keep up. | ||
| You know, but it's definitely a different thing. | ||
| You got to slow them down, suck them in, and then the other night I did the storyteller show, and you know, everybody talks about suicide. | ||
| I had a kid that grew up with Steve Mancini, and one day, he just said, fuck it. | ||
| He went to Carvel, he walked the suicide bridge, he ate his sundae, he took his glasses off, he put them down, and he jumped. | ||
| Phew! | ||
| And that was it. | ||
| Didn't leave a note, nothing. | ||
| He was always a little fucking crazy. | ||
| Every time you saw him, he was quoting albums and shit. | ||
| Like, it's rolling thunder, fire and rain. | ||
| So you know he was disturbed somewhere along the line. | ||
| But nobody gave a fuck. | ||
| Like, even today, when I go home and I go, what happened to Steve Banchin? | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| He jumped. | ||
| He committed suicide. | ||
| Times have changed. | ||
| People give a fuck. | ||
| Now you kill yourself? | ||
| Oh, he was his hurting soul. | ||
| 20 years ago, you kill yourself. | ||
| Fuck that motherfucker. | ||
| He's in limbo. | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| Because it was more like back then, like, ah, fucking... | ||
| You're an idiot. | ||
| Yeah, back then, that's it. | ||
| You were forgotten. | ||
| They have no mask for you. | ||
| When you ice yourself, you can't get masked. | ||
| That's true if you're religious, right? | ||
| Yeah, you can't get masked up. | ||
| When you die, they bury you. | ||
| You don't go to hell or heaven. | ||
| You go to limbo. | ||
| You're floating around with other people carrying a rope. | ||
| We never heard about mental illness when I was a kid. | ||
| We heard about completely crazy people that were locked in an asylum. | ||
| But the idea of your aunt taking pills because she's bipolar, what are you talking about? | ||
| Because it was accepted. | ||
| You know, it's like, oh yeah, we used to take volume and what's that? | ||
| No, I think it's the opposite. | ||
| I think you just get used to people being fucking crazy. | ||
| You know, you didn't feel like you had to medicate them. | ||
| You know, I think people were way more crazy in the 60s and 70s. | ||
| I had dude Johnny Reed that tried to kill himself, but he jumped off a building and he landed in a dumpster. | ||
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Oh my God. | |
| And he lived. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| How bad was he broken? | ||
| Fucked up, right? | ||
| Fucked up! | ||
| And he'd throw punches. | ||
| He'd throw punches into the air. | ||
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Oh no. | |
| Johnny Reed was a trip. | ||
| He was an Irish guy. | ||
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And he got a check from the government, and he gave it to the bartender on the first. | |
| That's what people thought, but he lived. | ||
| Like, he banged his head on the dumpster, and he fucked all the dog. | ||
| He lived. | ||
| And he'd give his check from the government on the first to the bartender, and he'd torment the bartender until that check was done. | ||
| Then they'd throw him out to the first, and they would last until about the 18th or 19th. | ||
| When I was a kid, I used to torment Johnny Reed. | ||
| You know, on the East Coast, you'd lock the bathrooms from the outside. | ||
| What the fuck you say? | ||
| You lock the bathrooms from the outside on the East Coast. | ||
| When you leave a bar at night, when they close up, they lock the bathroom, and then they put like a lock ball. | ||
| So if you break in, they can't. | ||
| He would go in the bathroom, Johnny Reed, like 11 o'clock in the morning to pee, and we'd lock him in there. | ||
| We'd leave him in there until like 6 o'clock at night. | ||
| We'd come back to have a drink. | ||
| We'd open the bathroom, and he'd come out like nothing. | ||
| I swear to God, like nothing happened. | ||
| He was hilarious. | ||
| I mean, one day I put my dick on a chair next to him. | ||
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He... | |
| He was sitting on a barstool. | ||
| My friend was like, put your dick on the chair. | ||
| See what happens? | ||
| And he's like, wow! | ||
| And he just got up. | ||
| Johnny re-lived maybe 12 years ago. | ||
| We used to give him bumps of coke and get him riled up at the bar. | ||
| And then he'd just leave. | ||
| Fuck you motherfuckers. | ||
| I'll fight all the years. | ||
| Then he'd just fucking leave. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Did you ever have a girl you dated kill herself? | ||
| No. | ||
| They should've. | ||
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No. | |
| After I put that fucking helmet, ratted, chlamydia fucking dick in here, you should kill yourself the first time and when you get to your destination. | ||
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Kill yourself once you get up to heaven. | |
| I'm not forgiving me. | ||
| Are all your ex-girls still alive? | ||
| Both of you? | ||
| Well, I was going to bring it up. | ||
| It was like one girl that I knew. | ||
| She didn't kill herself. | ||
| Well, she kind of did. | ||
| But it was with drugs. | ||
| But she wasn't ever a girlfriend. | ||
| She was a girl I knew when I was young. | ||
| Then I hung out with her again when we were like adults. | ||
| But not much. | ||
| You know, we'd talk on the phone every now and again. | ||
| She was fucked up. | ||
| She was some form of opiates. | ||
| I don't know the whole story. | ||
| But, uh... | ||
| She was a sweet girl. | ||
| It was a real bummer. | ||
| It was really depressing. | ||
| When you hear about shit like that, it's like, ooh, that's so depressing. | ||
| You know, it's so depressing when someone just can't keep a hold on it or just gets caught up in a spell and then their life just slips away. | ||
| I know more than I like, I know quite a few people. | ||
| I have a real problem with those goddamn pills. | ||
| Especially those pills. | ||
| They're so fucking available, Joey. | ||
| They're so available. | ||
| They give them to you. | ||
| You hurt you. | ||
| You got a boo-boo? | ||
| You got a boo-boo? | ||
| Here, man. | ||
| Become a fucking angel. | ||
| Take this. | ||
| Go off in a lalo and melt into your pillow and float away in a cloud of love. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| And, oh, you're going to have to get off that if you want your life. | ||
| And you give these people these pills and you tell them, hey man, you got a few weeks off of work. | ||
| You know, you hurt your back. | ||
| You had to get surgery. | ||
| And you'll start popping these fuckers watching TV and next thing you know... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's your life. | |
| Your life is that. | ||
| I'm fucking Schaub. | ||
| You know, Schaub is a goddamn super athlete. | ||
| Brendan Schaub is this big giant gorilla, UFC fighter, pretty straight edge dude, pretty clean cut dude. | ||
| Four months in, he's taking these fucking pills, and his friends have to tell him, like, dude, you gotta stop. | ||
| His friends had to take his pills from him. | ||
| They fucking get you, dude. | ||
| Yeah, I know a girl that's going through it, she buys Vicodin. | ||
| And like, like, like, uh, I was talking to her. | ||
| From dealers? | ||
| Yeah, she has, she gets Vicodin in any downer. | ||
| And then, uh, it's weird, because then she can't sleep at night, so it's her all pill-ed up, just talking, like, online, and like, on Periscope and shit, and you're just like, what the fuck? | ||
| It's weird watching strangers on Periscope also, just, you know, late night. | ||
| How long before somebody kills himself on Periscope? | ||
| I think it's already probably happened, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Probably, right? | |
| You know, it's crazy. | ||
| I had a girlfriend in the eighth grade I really dug. | ||
| I met her. | ||
| She was a cheerleader. | ||
| Pretty cute. | ||
| This is fucked up. | ||
| And Irish chick, just red hair. | ||
| I just dug her. | ||
| You know, we'd hold hands and eat a slice of pizza after a basketball game. | ||
| We went to movies. | ||
| We maybe swap spit. | ||
| And one day we were talking about dry humping or whatever the fuck we were going to do. | ||
| We went back to her house. | ||
| I'll never forget this. | ||
| I was dating her like maybe two or three months. | ||
| Just on the weekends, and I'd walk down to Union City. | ||
| And one day I asked, I said, what time do your parents get home? | ||
| She goes, well, my dad gets home at 5. And my mom is dead. | ||
| And I was like 12 or 13, Joe. | ||
| My head almost exploded. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| She's like, my mom died at childbirth. | ||
| And I was like, I couldn't even make out with her. | ||
| I couldn't do anything. | ||
| I just remember going home and going, I can't see this girl no more. | ||
| I mean, what the fuck? | ||
| How come you couldn't see her? | ||
| That thought had never entered my mind. | ||
| So it was just too sad for you? | ||
| It was too mind-boggling, like not having a mom. | ||
| So I called her up one day, and I stopped dating her, and I started dating this other Irish chick, and I never thought about her again, you know? | ||
| I know she was mad, and then my mother died. | ||
| And I was like, that's the first person I thought of was this poor girl. | ||
| Like, I knew what she fucking felt like now. | ||
| I could never imagine that pain when I was dating her, when she told me that. | ||
| I'm like, what are you fucking talking about? | ||
| Whose mom dies? | ||
| Whose fucking mom dies? | ||
| That's the worst thing I've had. | ||
| I think one of my girlfriends died. | ||
| One of the girls I dated early on died about two years ago. | ||
| I'm still friends with her brother. | ||
| We didn't really date. | ||
| We messed around a little bit. | ||
| She was fucking crazy. | ||
| And she ended up dying from pills and booze. | ||
| Nobody really knew. | ||
| Joe, we started off with guns and then we went to death. | ||
| No, he asked me one of my... | ||
| Guns was before the podcast. | ||
| He's the one that asked me if one of my girlfriends killed themselves. | ||
| So I was just thinking about it. | ||
| It's, you know, it's weird when people that you really care about aren't there anymore. | ||
| It's a weird thing because they just vanish. | ||
| They just don't exist anymore. | ||
| And it's a sadness that it's just so... | ||
| It's so forever, you know? | ||
| I mean, my friend Johnny, who was my best friend, For a long time. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| I fucking loved that dude. | ||
| I couldn't wait to see him every time I go to the East Coast. | ||
| We'd hang out. | ||
| Flew him up here. | ||
| And when I flew him up here, he was detoxing. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| Pills. | ||
| He was into oxys. | ||
| And he was into heroin. | ||
| Like, strong shit. | ||
| You know, like strong opiates towards the end. | ||
| And, you know, it took a few days for him to get off of it, and then we could go around and hang out. | ||
| He was just at my house, just sweating for like four or five days. | ||
| And when he died, man, I remember thinking, like, I can't believe I'll never talk to that dude again. | ||
| I can't believe. | ||
| Like, he was like... | ||
| One of the things about Johnny is he had this real clear view of what the fuck is going on. | ||
| His life might have been chaotic as far as drugs, but he knew exactly what everybody was up to. | ||
| He just knew. | ||
| He was a very smart dude. | ||
| I'm very good at reading people. | ||
| And you can see, like, he's, like, looking around shit. | ||
| When I met you, that was the first thing that I noticed. | ||
| When I met you, it's like, there was all these people that were scared of you. | ||
| It was so weird. | ||
| There was all these people that were, like, nervous around you. | ||
| You know, they thought, like, Joey Diaz is a bad guy. | ||
| This was, like, the late 90s or whatever it was when we first met. | ||
| And I was like, you're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| Like, this guy's great. | ||
| You seem to me to be a lot like him. | ||
| And you're the only two, you and him are the only two, like, real, original humans I've ever met. | ||
| Where I can't, I don't know anybody else like you. | ||
| And I didn't know anybody else like him. | ||
| Just completely original characters. | ||
| It was one of the first things that I really liked about you. | ||
| Because we met, like, what was it, like, 95 or some shit? | ||
| Like, when was it? | ||
| 97. Was it 97? | ||
| I was still on news radio. | ||
| So it was only, so I spent two years into news radio. | ||
| And, um... | ||
| Having those kind of friends... | ||
| Whose phone is that? | ||
| Yours, Joey? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| It's, you know... | ||
| Friends like that are so important in your life. | ||
| Friends who... | ||
| You need people to clear you up from time to time. | ||
| That's why I call home every morning. | ||
| I got four or five different guys that whenever I talk to them, I talk to them and everything gets nice and smoothed out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Every morning. | ||
| For them, too. | ||
| One or the other. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And right now, it's really weird because now I have two friends I haven't spoken to in 20 years. | ||
| When I went on the lam to Sarasota, that kid hit me up on an email. | ||
| He goes, I need to talk to you. | ||
| And him and I, when I went back to New Jersey, he was one of those kids, he was in Sarasota. | ||
| You know what there is to do in Sarasota in 1982? | ||
| Nothing! | ||
| So when I went down there, he was all excited. | ||
| He's got a partner, you know? | ||
| The thing about him is he was shooting fucking Decker in his biceps. | ||
| I mean, seriously, he was shooting them in his shoulder caps, in his traps. | ||
| He was God! | ||
| He was gone! | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| He was just a balloon. | ||
| And he was eating, he was eating, what's the German, five milligram, the shit that just puts, not testosterone, not decadarablin, but he was eating that gorilla shit. | ||
| We're guaranteed to gain, not decadarablin, D-ball! | ||
| D-ball. | ||
| No, what's Dianabol? | ||
| Anadrol? | ||
| Diana Ball. | ||
| This is 1982 people, so the names have changed. | ||
| Yeah, if you want to look like a fucker. | ||
| So everything on him was... | ||
| He was popping those Diana Balls. | ||
| He was supposed to eat three a day. | ||
| He was eating like eight a day. | ||
| He was eating a double prescription bottle and then blasting off the fucking shit in his forearm. | ||
| He was huge. | ||
| I loved him, though. | ||
| I got him. | ||
| So when I left, he always got mad at me. | ||
| He called me, man. | ||
| He hit me up on an email on my website. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I called him back. | ||
| I go, what's up, dog? | ||
| It took me a couple days. | ||
| I don't want to hear this shit. | ||
| And he goes, hey, man, my dad died. | ||
| And he goes, I got to tell you something. | ||
| I think about you every day because I can't imagine how you were handling this shit at 16. Then my other buddy died. | ||
| His mom died about a month ago. | ||
| I sent flowers. | ||
| And he keeps calling me every morning, going, Doug, I don't know how the fuck you did it at 16. I got the most respect for you in the world. | ||
| It's like now I'm paying them back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| For them taking care of me when I was younger. | ||
| It turned around. | ||
| I miss my dead buddies, bro. | ||
| I'd miss Rago. | ||
| Like that crazy dude, the bodybuilder, that was fucking, you know, we would take him to bars and we'd say, Rago, get on top of the fucking stage and pose. | ||
| Who goes to a bar? | ||
| Like, he didn't give a fuck. | ||
| And I take him to the UFC bar and go, get up there. | ||
| This is the guy that you told me that was doing a line while his mother shot steroids? | ||
| No, that's Danny B. That's a different guy. | ||
| He's doing a line in front of his mother while he was on the phone or his mother shot steroids in his ass. | ||
| While he was doing a line and he's talking on the phone at the same time. | ||
| This is brilliant. | ||
| Come on, tell me that wouldn't be one of the most hilarious scenes in a movie ever. | ||
| In a movie. | ||
| We talk about it. | ||
| He comes to my shows, Danny B. He still comes to my shows. | ||
| He's still alive? | ||
| He calls into the podcast. | ||
| How did that guy make it? | ||
| He just put a picture of him on Twitter dressed in fucking full army regalia with like fucking five generals behind him. | ||
| Him 19 years old. | ||
| He was the soldier of the year in the army, dog. | ||
| That's why he was doing this, this, and this at the same time because he could do that. | ||
| That's how crazy he was. | ||
| He was the soldier of the year. | ||
| They were doing exercises in fucking Beirut, and four guys were in a raft, and the raft tipped over, and he saved all four of them. | ||
| So they made him the soldier of the fucking year. | ||
| He went to the White House. | ||
| Two years later, they discharged him, and he was selling blow on the fucking shit. | ||
| How fucking crazy is that? | ||
| They dishonably discharged him for running a gambling operation in the fucking North Carolina, wherever they were stationed. | ||
| Let me ask you this. | ||
| Oh, sorry. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| This other kid that I showed you, the crazy one that he won like Mr. New Jersey, Darren. | ||
| I miss him every morning. | ||
| He was a guy that died young from steroids. | ||
| He died from, you know, everything. | ||
| He had Hepatitis C. Oh, Jesus. | ||
| From sharing needles? | ||
| Well, he was already shooting in high school. | ||
| Really? | ||
| By March of 82. He was already coming to my house, going, I gotta talk to you, dawg. | ||
| I gotta talk to you, man. | ||
| Like, that's the first person who ever, ever sat me down. | ||
| He's like, listen, let me tell you what. | ||
| And he was coked out. | ||
| We were both doing coke. | ||
| And it was like a secret inside his heart. | ||
| He's like, I gotta tell you something, man. | ||
| And he took off his shirt and he started doing push-ups. | ||
| Like, somebody just starts doing 50 pushups in front of him. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck's going on? | ||
| He got up and started flexing. | ||
| I'm like, what are you doing? | ||
| And he goes, I go to this person's house, and they were gay in 82. These two guys were gay, but he grew up with them, and he remained friends with them, and he didn't care they were gay. | ||
| Nobody knew. | ||
| So they were sharing vitamin B shots and they were sharing Decker. | ||
| No good ever comes out of we were sharing a needle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We saved 29 cents! | |
| Nobody fucking knew. | ||
| That's like, you know, listen man, when you're at that level of a guy and that type of gym situation, think about it, you and I have never been that guy. | ||
| But there are guys, you know how people smoke a joint? | ||
| In Rocky the other day, I'm watching the beginning of Rocky, he goes to the corner, there's 18 guys sharing a wine bottle, and he takes the wine bottle and he takes a sip of it. | ||
| I'm thinking to myself, that's fucking the flu. | ||
| But in those days, in those days, you had to do that to be part of a guy. | ||
| You're in a gym, you're all yoked up. | ||
| You're 5'10", you're 240 pounds. | ||
| Red Band shoots Decker. | ||
| Red Band, give me the fucking thing, you know. | ||
| You just take it from him and stick it into him. | ||
| That's not my game, but I could see it. | ||
| I could see it. | ||
| That's the bond. | ||
| Me and you are on the street with thieves. | ||
| We're living in Skid Row with thieves. | ||
| You and me. | ||
| Everything we fucking take, we split down the middle. | ||
| What do you think is gonna happen after a year? | ||
| Fucking Clint Eastwood movies for the Indians they'd cut their hands together blood brothers. | ||
| This is a bro. | ||
| This I could see two guys shooting a needle. | ||
| Me and you were not in that world, and Red Band were like, ew. | ||
| You know, but to some guy... | ||
| Look at my bicep, dude. | ||
| What's a guy that said... | ||
| What's my favorite impersonation you do? | ||
| The guy in Boston that would... | ||
| He'd give you night-night time with the jab. | ||
| Remember the guy in Boston in Southie? | ||
| This guy, you know... | ||
| Oh, Joe Lake? | ||
| I hit you with my left. | ||
| I hit you with my left. | ||
| It's night-night time. | ||
| Whatever you... | ||
| I knew the dude in high school that was doing steroids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He was enormous. | ||
| He was so much bigger than everybody else. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| He came from another school when we were like, I think I was a, I guess I was like a freshman and he was like, he came in as a sophomore. | ||
| He was like a year older than me and he was giant. | ||
| With these crazy stretch marks. | ||
| We're talking about a 16-year-old kid? | ||
| 17-year-old kid? | ||
| Massive stretch marks all over his chest with these watermelon tits. | ||
| He just had watermelon tits, a giant fucking neck. | ||
| Giant arms. | ||
| I mean literally the guy would walk his his arms like you know guys fake that this is a really how he stood I mean just it was massively muscular and he went to a party one night in college There was these college kids and some college kids mouthed off to him. | ||
| He knocked out three college kids He was like a bull who just charged at people and punched him. | ||
| He was so juiced up. | ||
| He was always angry and Everywhere, if you looked at him, you wanted to be real nice to him. | ||
| It was like being around a crazy, frothing-at-the-mouth gorilla. | ||
| Then I saw him years and years later. | ||
| Not that many years. | ||
| I was 21, so he was probably 22, and he weighed 160 pounds. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck happened? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| Just got off the stuff. | ||
| He just got off of it, and his body became like a normal-sized body. | ||
| So do you lose all your fluid, or do you lose your muscle also? | ||
| Well, he was never... | ||
| He's a weird guy. | ||
| Like, he didn't have big hands. | ||
| He wasn't like some Ernie Shavers dude. | ||
| Like a, you know, just a big... | ||
| Like you. | ||
| You're a big, fucking, thick guy. | ||
| He wasn't... | ||
| He had smaller hands. | ||
| It was just... | ||
| It was all steroids. | ||
| He'd just taken this thing and changed, like, the amount of muscle that his body would carry around. | ||
| It was just way more. | ||
| It was real weird. | ||
| I didn't know what the fuck he was doing until after I was out of high school. | ||
| Like, I had no idea what was going on. | ||
| I just thought he was just a big, strong guy. | ||
| Like, I wasn't in weightlifting. | ||
| I didn't play football. | ||
| And in Taekwondo, we didn't do any weightlifting. | ||
| We did some calisthenics, but there was no weightlifting at all. | ||
| So I had no idea what the fuck was going on with this dude's body. | ||
| But seeing him... | ||
| When I was 21 and seeing him like just like this deflated person I was like this is the weirdest shit I've ever seen in my life But back then no one knew what the fuck it was. | ||
| We're talking about like 1988 It was when I was 21. I didn't know what that meant I didn't understand how he got smaller like it didn't make any sense to me Like I didn't know anybody that was a bodybuilder or anything. | ||
| So it was just weird It was just weird to see him small and then as I got older and started talking to people like especially when I was working at a I was working at a Gold's Gym or Nautilus Plus. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| Nautilus Plus in Revere. | ||
| And I knew this dude in there who was a he was a bodybuilder and he kind of schooled me on some of it I go because he was huge and I go do you take steroids? | ||
| And he goes dude fucking look at me. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Of course I fucking take steroids. | ||
| He was the first guy I ever met that was like super open about it He had these like he would wear like those Daisy Duke shorts back then bodybuilders were those Daisy Duke shorts This kid had these fucking giant tanned legs. | ||
| They were enormous He was fucking huge. | ||
| I hope that look comes back. | ||
| Male Daisy Dukes. | ||
| It's not even coming back for girls. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's over. | |
| Do you think there is certain clothes like that that will never come back? | ||
| Bell-bottoms. | ||
| Bell-bottoms? | ||
| I could see bell-bottoms coming back. | ||
| They tried, but people realized it's stupid looking. | ||
| I rocked them. | ||
| Yeah, you know what? | ||
| It worked back when people had long collars. | ||
| See, that's the difference. | ||
| If you want to have those long collars that they had in the 60s, you know, like those crazy jackets that you see Jefferson Starship in... | ||
| And then you had platforms. | ||
| People were wearing platform shoes. | ||
| Remember those? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, like, those all worked with the bell-bottom. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you get to, like, flip-flops and bell-bottoms. | ||
| Flip-flops are annoying. | ||
| It gets annoying. | ||
| You're stepping on your bell-bottoms. | ||
| They're goofy. | ||
| They get in the way. | ||
| You need stilts. | ||
| You know what's really sad about juicing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That people, that juice for, what do you call it? | ||
| Aesthetics? | ||
| Not because they're athletic, but they're aesthetics. | ||
| For the look. | ||
| It always ends up very bad. | ||
| Because, and I was around it, and I grew up around it, it becomes, instead of snorting coke or drinking, they go to steroids like that. | ||
| Like, the wrestler was on. | ||
| And there's one scene in the wrestling, and he goes to cop. | ||
| Did you see what he copped? | ||
| I didn't see that movie. | ||
| Okay, there's a part where he cops at the gym. | ||
| You know, he's copping fucking shit that they gave Nazis. | ||
| Like, you know, Decker, D-ball, this, that. | ||
| And you could tell it's like 2,000 bucks. | ||
| And the guy goes, what do you got right now? | ||
| And he goes, 500. He goes, yo, you give me the rest one. | ||
| It was a bag. | ||
| If you know that world, you know that for him, that's a six-week supply. | ||
| That's a year's supply. | ||
| Then when he has his heart attack in the movie, the doctor tells him, he goes, bro, What the fuck are you putting in your body? | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| It's a slow death because it becomes an addiction. | ||
| I saw it. | ||
| I saw it go from once every six weeks to four cycles a year to fuck it. | ||
| I ain't getting off it. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| I'm going to super stack. | ||
| They call it stacking. | ||
| You know, you're taking fucking four things and you're not competing. | ||
| You're just going to a bar on Friday nights. | ||
| I never got that in my head. | ||
| I never got that. | ||
| And it always ends bad. | ||
| You see those guys a year later, they have a heart attack, they get deflated, something happens, and they go to prison, and then they can't do it, and they come out, and you ask them, are the tattoos all fucked up now? | ||
| It always ends bad. | ||
| Yeah, I knew a guy who died. | ||
| Yes, it always, and people, you know, I watched that documentary, and we contacted each other by talking, the stereo one that doesn't harm you, and I believe that. | ||
| Oh, bigger, stronger, faster? | ||
| Yeah, I believe that, but I also believe that I saw, you know, you look at these guys down at the Jersey Shore. | ||
| You look at these guys in the jerseys. | ||
| They all got that little bicep. | ||
| They got time to go to the gym. | ||
| They do six curls. | ||
| They do a fucking anavar. | ||
| They go suntan. | ||
| They rub number fucking SPF number two. | ||
| And that's the result you get. | ||
| And they do sit-ups. | ||
| That's exactly what they do. | ||
| And they do diamond push-ups. | ||
| And they blow up for the summer, and then they like it. | ||
| I'm telling you, I was part of that crew. | ||
| My friends, I remember the Chaddock driving back from the shore on Sundays, how they couldn't wait to get home because it was their second rest day. | ||
| And today was going to be the biggest day. | ||
| I'm thinking of going home, taking a shower, and going out because I'm huge. | ||
| I'm huge today. | ||
| It's Sunday. | ||
| It's my second off day. | ||
| Because he keeps getting bigger and bigger. | ||
| Yeah, on your second off day, Sunday, you're the biggest. | ||
| So these guys on the way home, it's my off day. | ||
| I'm going to get some pussy tonight. | ||
| My veins. | ||
| Look at my bicep from just driving. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking hilarious. | |
| It becomes something else, man. | ||
| You know what I think it's like? | ||
| I think it's like alcohol. | ||
| Like, you could drink alcohol. | ||
| You could just have a beer at night. | ||
| You could have a couple of glasses of wine with dinner. | ||
| Or you could be that motherfucker that just gets hammered all day, every day. | ||
| And we all know that person. | ||
| We all have met a bunch of those people. | ||
| Some people just get addicted to shit. | ||
| Day drinkers. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| There's a lot of those out there. | ||
| Especially in the entertainment business. | ||
| You know, we can do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| Nobody can tell you what to do. | ||
| Nobody tells you what to do. | ||
| That's why you're on Periscope all day. | ||
| It's also people that I think that do cocaine, right? | ||
| That have an addiction to cocaine drink all day because they can even their self out. | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
| Some people that do, you know, I've never done it, but people that have done, like, a lot of it will tell you that they always want to have something to calm them down afterwards, take the edge off of it. | ||
| I didn't snort in the daytime. | ||
| I wasn't a fucking vampire. | ||
| I snorted at night. | ||
| It would fuck my whole day up if I even did a line. | ||
| See, I wanted to have the coke ready at 8 o'clock. | ||
| But sometimes I got a gavone. | ||
| I'd have the 60 bucks early in the daytime and I'd shoot over and get it back in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's a gavone? | |
| A fucking slob. | ||
| I'd go over there and take the 60 and then I'd have to hide it in my jacket and I'd have to sit there for four hours with this coke and my jacket calling me in the afternoon. | ||
| So I would do a little bump and then get paranoid and jerk off and then it would fuck up my timing at night. | ||
| It would fuck up my whole day. | ||
| So I wouldn't do it in the daytime. | ||
| I was always a nighttime guy. | ||
| So if you did coke during the day, it would fuck up your set? | ||
| Everything. | ||
| It fucked up everything. | ||
| The rest of my day, my timing, because my soul wasn't intact with my central nervous system. | ||
| They were apart now. | ||
| It's apart. | ||
| When you do blowing, you go on stage. | ||
| That's why I never understood that concept. | ||
| It always made me laugh when people go, oh, you're funny because you do coke and go on stage. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Okay, you fucking dummy. | ||
| I would freeze up. | ||
| I'd freeze up. | ||
| I can't talk to people when I did blow. | ||
| That's why I went in my fucking room and hid and fucking turned the phone off. | ||
| You think I did that? | ||
| Because I couldn't talk to people. | ||
| So I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. | ||
| Isn't coke make you talk though? | ||
| It doesn't work. | ||
| That doesn't... | ||
| When I started! | ||
| When it started, you're chatty catty. | ||
| You want to talk to everybody and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But let me tell you something. | ||
| I started doing coke like in the 80s. | ||
| And I got on stage in 91 for the first time. | ||
| And in 92, I got on stage with the guys from Denver. | ||
| I did a St. Paddy show. | ||
| And right there was the first time I discovered cocaine on the stage at the Boulder Broker. | ||
| I did two bumps and tried to go on stage and be cute. | ||
| That shit didn't work. | ||
| I thought Richard Pryor did it. | ||
| I thought that's what Richard Pryor did. | ||
| He did coke and went on stage. | ||
| So I tried it. | ||
| That didn't work. | ||
| That was a kaputz. | ||
| Is anybody known to do coke and go on stage? | ||
| Oh, fuck yeah! | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| I think a lot of people do coke and go on stage. | ||
| And in Miami, I would do the first two shows sober. | ||
| But the third show, it takes a bull. | ||
| I had that coke in my pocket for four hours. | ||
| Enough is enough. | ||
| Enough is enough! | ||
| So you would do it before the third show? | ||
| Yeah, because I didn't care. | ||
| And how would it work? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Terrible. | |
| Terrible. | ||
| I didn't care. | ||
| I didn't give a fuck. | ||
| They knew I was coked up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So they knew. | ||
| The people who were coked up knew and they loved it. | ||
| Oh, look at him. | ||
| And I thought it was cute, too. | ||
| So I went back to my room and got fucked up. | ||
| But no, it never clicked to me. | ||
| I could get stoned as a motherfucker and go on stage. | ||
| Red Band, you miss Friday night. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I heard about this. | ||
| You heard Friday night how I fucking almost had a nervous breakdown at the comedy store. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he tell you this? | |
| Remember when you and your wife were asking me questions and I was fidgety? | ||
| I was having a nervous breakdown right there. | ||
| You think I'm fucking with you guys, Doug? | ||
| I don't know what happened to me Friday night. | ||
| I bombed so hard last week. | ||
| You know, sometimes you get in a transition period, and you got all these bits that aren't ready, and you bring them up, and it's like you got three of them, so you bomb for two weeks, but all of a sudden, one night, they all come together. | ||
| Now you become a force. | ||
| Now it's a different game. | ||
| I was in that process. | ||
| For like two weeks, I was in limbo. | ||
| I had good sets in Boston, but anything I tried out of the ordinary in Boston wasn't clicking for me, so I just stuck to the fucking original. | ||
| And then I came back to the Comedy Store. | ||
| I ate shit somewhere on Monday night. | ||
| I went to the Comedy Store Thursday, opened up with that suicide joke. | ||
| That didn't take me very far. | ||
| And then, the second time, I told the story about my friend who tried to commit suicide. | ||
| She failed, and she went up to the comedy store, and she bought a gram of Coke from Chewy. | ||
| And as we were doing it, I said, you know, how did you get out of the crazy house? | ||
| Didn't you try to kill yourself three days ago? | ||
| And there was a big gram. | ||
| It was one big line. | ||
| She did the whole thing. | ||
| She looked at me, and she goes, I ain't crazy. | ||
| They let me out. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| I told that story, and that one got some laughs. | ||
| And then I went in the main room, and I just died. | ||
| I had to follow Dalia. | ||
| I just died. | ||
| I just died a slow death. | ||
| I was trying new stuff. | ||
| I wasn't going nowhere. | ||
| I wanted to talk about Trump, and I just died. | ||
| So Friday, I went to the store, and I swear to God, guys, I didn't eat nothing all day. | ||
| I smoked some pot. | ||
| I worked that. | ||
| I went to the Y. I did chest and the other thing. | ||
| I smoked dope. | ||
| Before I left the house, There was a little brownie. | ||
| A 70 milligram brownie. | ||
| I had like maybe 13 carbs left for the day. | ||
| I was fucking starving. | ||
| This little brownie is right there. | ||
| It was a half a pack of an anarchy edible. | ||
| They give you two brownies. | ||
| Each brownie is 70 milligram. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| That's so scary. | ||
| I rub my balls with 70 milligrams. | ||
| You understand me? | ||
| 70 milligrams for Uncle Joey is like an aperitif. | ||
| It's not even a fucking apple. | ||
| Splitting to the rest of the world, 70 milligrams will put you into a fucking hole. | ||
| Do you know I gave Lee 500 last night? | ||
| He puked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
500? | |
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| Did he say 500 milligrams? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We split 1,000 milligram edible. | |
| Did you hear that Allison Chainsong, Down in a Hole? | ||
| Oh my God, listen to me, Doug. | ||
| We split it at 3 o'clock in the afternoon. | ||
| Oh my god, what are you trying to prove? | ||
| By 7 o'clock, I was so fucked up. | ||
| By 8 o'clock. | ||
| And you know, usually when you eat, you tame that animal. | ||
| Fuck no. | ||
| This turned on me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This edible turned on me, dog, like a savage. | |
| He beat me into submissions. | ||
| At one point, I had the cheese doodles that belongs to the baby pirate's booty. | ||
| They were on the floor. | ||
| They were just coming out of my face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was just stuffing them. | |
| I was just stuffing Pirate's Booty in my face and a pear. | ||
| There was a bunch of fruit in Pirate's Booty. | ||
| I couldn't stop. | ||
| I kept eating peaches in Pirate's Booty, pears in Pirate's Booty, cantaloupe in Pirate's Booty. | ||
| I must've ate the whole, even my wife was like, because I had my back turned to them so they couldn't see me. | ||
| My wife's like, what the fuck are you doing in here? | ||
| I go, listen, I gotta go to bed. | ||
| She goes, go to bed already. | ||
| I went to bed at 8.45. | ||
| I slept till 4. I got up. | ||
| I didn't know where I was. | ||
| I just laid there for 30 minutes like Mad Max. | ||
| I just laid there all confused. | ||
| So you woke up at 4 in the morning and didn't know where you were? | ||
| So low. | ||
| At 4.30, I woke up with a ton of energy. | ||
| A ton of energy! | ||
| I went in the shower. | ||
| I washed the car. | ||
| I went for breakfast. | ||
| I went and washed the car. | ||
| My wife had a tar stain, so I washed the car. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I was fucked up. | ||
| And I kept calling Lee and saying, Lee, if the cops call you, don't answer the phone. | ||
| He goes, why are the cops on the call? | ||
| I go, I don't know, but don't answer the phone. | ||
| That is so funny. | ||
| And you just had it happen to you again, though. | ||
| You ate too much at the comedy store. | ||
| But last night, no. | ||
| Last night I didn't have anxiety. | ||
| Guys, this is what I'm saying to you. | ||
| 70 milligrams ain't dick in my world, okay? | ||
| So I eat the 70 milligrams, I go down Laurel Canyon, I hook the right... | ||
| I go to the comedy store. | ||
| I pull up. | ||
| No drama. | ||
| I get in. | ||
| Joe's upstairs. | ||
| I don't even go upstairs because I know the room is packed. | ||
| I can't go upstairs. | ||
| So I'm alone at the comedy store. | ||
| I go into the original room. | ||
| It's packed. | ||
| I walk around a little bit. | ||
| I go into the VIP patio, and I just sit there. | ||
| Some dudes are listening to music. | ||
| Some black dudes are smoking a joint. | ||
| I mind my business. | ||
| I look straight ahead. | ||
| I'm thinking about more material I'm going to say, how I bombed. | ||
| It's just whipping me now, right? | ||
| And I'm starting to get scared. | ||
| I'm like, I really don't want to go on stage now. | ||
| Jeff comes over to me and he goes, Joey, go on stage. | ||
| I walk over. | ||
| I walk up the stairs. | ||
| It's a sold-out room. | ||
| Megan Mooney. | ||
| Morgan Murphy. | ||
| Morgan Murphy's up on stage. | ||
| Megan Mooney. | ||
| I don't know what her fucking name is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's her new name. | |
| She had a hat on. | ||
| That's her new name. | ||
| And she was killing. | ||
| I'm texting her right now. | ||
| She was fucking killing, right? | ||
| She's killing Megan Mooney. | ||
| Whatever her fucking name is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Morgan Murphy. | |
| She brought the dog up. | ||
| She was freaking me out. | ||
| And then she's killing on stage. | ||
| I walk up to the first landing, guys, and it hits me. | ||
| It's like, oh my god, I'm getting an anxiety attack. | ||
| On 70 milligrams? | ||
| Not! | ||
| Not! | ||
| This can't be happening to me. | ||
| This ain't happening. | ||
| And all of a sudden, I'm standing there, and it's getting worse, guys. | ||
| It's getting worse. | ||
| Now, there's one seat open at the whole comedy store, and it's Mitzi's chair. | ||
| So I sit in there for about a minute. | ||
| She's got the blue light on. | ||
| The pressure's on. | ||
| I got water in my hand. | ||
| I get back up, and it's getting worse, guys. | ||
| I turn around, I look down to where the payphone used to be, and now I'm getting the anxiety I get when I'm getting a needle, which means I'm going down. | ||
| So I gotta look for daylight or air. | ||
| I know this. | ||
| I gotta look for air. | ||
| But I know if I go down those stairs, if she calls my name and I come back up those stairs, I'm really gonna have an anxiety attack. | ||
| So I go to the corner and I just start looking at the wall and I start breathing through my nose. | ||
| And some guy comes up to me and he's like, hey Joey, how you doing, man? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| I go, nothing. | ||
| And I keep looking at the wall. | ||
| He gets the hint to walk away. | ||
| Then some other guy pops out and he's like, hey Joey, I'm friends or such. | ||
| And he goes, do you know where he is? | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Don't you see me staring at a fucking wall? | ||
| Get the fuck Jeff comes up to me and I go, Jeff, hold on one second, Jeff. | ||
| I'm going to faint. | ||
| I got a really bad anxiety attack. | ||
| I'm going down here. | ||
| Tell Paulie to go on stage. | ||
| And Jeff also wants to ask me questions. | ||
| He's like, do you know if Paulie's going to go up on stage? | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| He's the closest person to the fucking stage. | ||
| She's about to call my name. | ||
| And all of a sudden, he goes, well, let me go ask him. | ||
| Yeah, fucking go ask him! | ||
| The fuck? | ||
| I'm about to fucking faint, and now you're gonna do this to me? | ||
| So he walks over to Paulie, and he starts asking Paulie, and Paulie's like... | ||
| And now they're getting into, like, a conversation about it. | ||
| Instead of Paulie going, oh, he's got an anxiety attack. | ||
| Let me go up there. | ||
| I'm watching this go down. | ||
| I get so angered. | ||
| I go, fuck it, guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm gonna go up there. | |
| Did you hear what Paulie said? | ||
| Who the fuck knows what he said? | ||
| What's wrong with him, buddy? | ||
| Instead of going, just go. | ||
| If I call you and go, Red Band, go up. | ||
| Red Band, go up. | ||
| Uh... | ||
| Go up, Red Band. | ||
| I got anxiety. | ||
| You go, okay, Joey, and I'll worry about you later. | ||
| You okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just go. | ||
| No, these guys are having a conversation, bureaucracy. | ||
| I got so fucking angry that I go, fuck you guys. | ||
| I'm going to go up. | ||
| And I went up there, Joe Rogan, and I had to settle my life off of fear. | ||
| Fear. | ||
| I think I caught myself at the 14-minute mark, and I was like, oh my, I just yelled. | ||
| Did you record it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Why would I do something like that? | ||
| You know I'm a fucking retard. | ||
| I fucking went up there and destroyed. | ||
| You know you never hear me talking like this. | ||
| It was all on fear. | ||
| And I remember walking out of there, man, I got in that car and Paulie goes, man, you should have anxiety attacks more often than you. | ||
| I was like, man, I was fucking dying. | ||
| I like how you have Mitzi's voice when you do the impression of Paulie. | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| That's the same voice you do when you do Mitzi. | ||
| Like all the Shores share one Joey Diaz voice. | ||
| Joe, have you ever had that where you were like either too stoned or you just didn't feel good and you're about to go on stage and you almost don't think you could have done it? | ||
| No, I know what you're saying. | ||
| No, I've never gotten there, but I won't take that kind of edible before I go on stage. | ||
| I've fucked up and gotten too high before I went on stage, but never so high where I'm like, I can't do this. | ||
| I can't do that. | ||
| I'm having an anxiety attack. | ||
| No. | ||
| But I've been higher. | ||
| I've been higher, and that hasn't happened to me. | ||
| Sometimes it just catches you at the right time, especially if you have a rough set. | ||
| If you had a rough set the night before, if you're working on some new stuff and it doesn't go over right and you can't recover, I mean, we've all been there. | ||
| If you haven't been there, it's just because you haven't taken enough chances. | ||
| Oh, I've been there all the time. | ||
| I'm there all the time. | ||
| I'm in hell all the time. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| But it's like those moments after that are shaky. | ||
| Like, you know, it's a shaky one or two days, you know, sometimes. | ||
| Sometimes it's not. | ||
| Like, sometimes it makes sense and there's a reason. | ||
| You can just get right back into it. | ||
| But sometimes there's like a little shaky period. | ||
| So the shaky period, that 70 milligrams is enough to whack you. | ||
| You did two 70s. | ||
| No, I did one 70. The other 70 was from a couple nights earlier. | ||
| Just for the fucking general public, 70 will fucking send you down a tornado of despair to the bottom pits of your soul. | ||
| Just to know. | ||
| Don't try to do what he's doing. | ||
| I don't fuck around, man, with anything more than like 30. Do you think that even matters what it is, though, really? | ||
| Do you think it's that accurate where 70 is even ballpark 70? | ||
| Or maybe he just got something that had 600 in because it was like the bottom of the barrel. | ||
| Well, you certainly can. | ||
| You know that bit I do about it, about the guys who make that stuff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But has it gotten any better? | ||
| Sure, sure. | ||
| Colorado, they have it down to a science. | ||
| They're doing it in Colorado the way they would make regular cookies. | ||
| Like, if you buy, like, some, you know, like Nabisco, Chips Ahoy or some shit like that, they do them in, like, a factory. | ||
| There's not much difference between the way they're making some of these cookies. | ||
| They're having, like, these big machines, and they have all these people working there. | ||
| It's pretty fucking down to a science. | ||
| They're not just, you know, throwing their own ingredients in and home cooking all this stuff. | ||
| They're making a lot of money. | ||
| They have this, like, one of those news report shows? | ||
| I forget which one. | ||
| 60 Minutes. | ||
| Was it 60 Minutes? | ||
| They went to Denver and they participated. | ||
| They got high, they got high in a fucking limo with these people. | ||
| And they went around to all these different places and watched these people make these things. | ||
| There's a revolution going on in Denver. | ||
| It's so off the charts there. | ||
| It's so crazy there. | ||
| You're watching this thing on television and it just starts to sink in. | ||
| They're changing the whole culture around that town. | ||
| Like, the whole culture is gonna slowly chill out. | ||
| Their violent crime rate is so low now. | ||
| Their fucking drunk driving rates are the lowest they've ever had. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| It's changing everything, and it's only been a year or two. | ||
| Like, how many years has it been since it's been legal? | ||
| What's the official? | ||
| Maybe two years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Two? | |
| Has it been two, Jamie? | ||
| Find out when the law went through. | ||
| But in Oregon, they're gonna have weed tax-free. | ||
| Oregon's taking it to a totally new level. | ||
| Well, I just read a report that Washington had, I think, $70 million their first year of tax revenue. | ||
| So that seems like a lot of money just to throw away. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| Well, I agree with you. | ||
| I think the taxes that the Colorado imposes, which are really high, I think those are great. | ||
| Yeah, I agree. | ||
| Because it's still better than going drinking. | ||
| If you go drinking, okay, if we have a few drinks, like if I go and get us around and all four of us went out drinking, and I look at this kid's shots and a beer, that's like a hundred bucks, right? | ||
| All together. | ||
| Then you gotta tip the guy. | ||
| Like, two hundred bucks worth of weed? | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| The four of us with two hundred bucks worth of weed, we'd be fucked for a month. | ||
| And we could take home some. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Two hundred dollars. | ||
| That's a lot of weed, especially if you're buying edibles. | ||
| Oh my God! | ||
| You could almost die on $200 worth of weed edibles. | ||
| I mean, if you ate them all... | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Beginning of last year. | ||
| Beginning of last year. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So they... | ||
| 2012? | ||
| Voted at the end of 2012 and started at the beginning of 2014. Oh, I see. | ||
| I see. | ||
| So there's a delay. | ||
| That is one of the, I gotta be honest with you, that is one of the funnest four days you'll have as a comic is that Denver run. | ||
| Oh, Denver's mean? | ||
| Especially if you stayed downtown because you eat at Sam's, that motherfucking green chili for breakfast with those two eggs and some wheat toast and a bowl of fruit. | ||
| God damn! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Oh my God! | ||
| I thought you were going to talk about the crowds. | ||
| No! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no, no. | |
| That's part of it. | ||
| You got the weed store, and then you got the comedy work. | ||
| I mean, it's like a three... | ||
| You can't lose for three days. | ||
| I got a gym. | ||
| You cannot lose. | ||
| It's a triple fucking header. | ||
| The little weed store they got, they go out... | ||
| You go on the recreational side. | ||
| They have some strong stuff, but... | ||
| Yeah, it's a great spot. | ||
| It's a great little weekend. | ||
| It's one of my favorite places. | ||
| It's one of the few places I would live besides here. | ||
| I'll tell you what, you made me laugh because I thought about something right bad. | ||
| You know what pill, when I was growing up, had a lot of mistakes with them? | ||
| What pill, like if they made a hundred of them, ten of them would always be Dud's Quaaludes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Ten of them were always duds. | ||
| Were they duds because it was corruption? | ||
| No, they were duds because the guy who was making them, his floor was lopsided. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| And when he put them in the oven, who the fuck knows, Joe Rogan? | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| He was lopsided. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, like right now, this table feels like it's all warm. | |
| So the chemicals go down to the end. | ||
| So, like, for every hundred... | ||
| That's the most ridiculous idea of how they make pills ever, right? | ||
| Tables are lopsided. | ||
| So, let's just say the power goes to this side, so you'd eat ten biscuits and nothing would happen and people would go, oh my god, I got a dud. | ||
| That means the next one's gonna be good. | ||
| That was the philosophy around it. | ||
| But there's a different philosophy to it. | ||
| What if Cosby gave one of those duds to one of his freaks? | ||
| Did you see yesterday? | ||
| And it was a dud. | ||
| He's sitting there stroking his big black dick, waiting on them pills to hit her and shit. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's a great bit. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| What do you think that, like, he could get laid. | ||
| He could have probably almost any of the girls he wanted to drug anyways, probably. | ||
| Why do you think he did that extra step? | ||
| It's part of his freak. | ||
| I mean, we could speculate all day long, but obviously he's sick. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Obviously. | ||
| But we kind of knew that anyway. | ||
| Not that he was sick to the extent that he is, but that he's got this, like, creepy arrogance about him. | ||
| And, you know, we played that clip once where Wanda Sykes, who's like the sweetest person in the world, was interviewing him. | ||
| And the way she was talking to him, I guess, like, he didn't like it, so he, like, corrected her. | ||
| He corrected her, you know, her use of Ebonics or what have you. | ||
| It's like a drama queen, kind of. | ||
| Just not a nice guy. | ||
| Just not a nice guy, and he was wearing sunglasses. | ||
| Like, he's just, you know, when you're indoors and you're wearing sunglasses, like, unless you got glaucoma, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| Why do you have sunglasses on? | ||
| Unless you're black. | ||
| You get away with it. | ||
| Floyd Mayweather can wear sunglasses, whatever the fuck he wants. | ||
| As far as I'm concerned, he can wear sunglasses anywhere he wants. | ||
| But, you know, it's like, those, anybody who does that, like, you know what I mean? | ||
| It's just weird because I can see where like a normal person would drug it just to get laid. | ||
| It just seems like, you know, you're Bill fucking Cosby. | ||
| He's a creep. | ||
| Did he like the girl just being passed out? | ||
| Like it's dry? | ||
| He likes dry sex or something? | ||
| He might like to be the god. | ||
| He might like to be totally in control of their life. | ||
| He might like the idea that he tricked them. | ||
| And now they have to do his bidding while they're completely unconscious. | ||
| I don't know how unconscious they are. | ||
| Maybe they're in like a halfway dreamland where he could talk to them into doing stuff. | ||
| You know, like lift your legs up and they'll just do it. | ||
| And they just don't remember it. | ||
| They might just be so fucked up. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| Can I talk to you gentlemen? | ||
| There's four of us in this room. | ||
| We're all men here. | ||
| How many years have had an experience? | ||
| I mean, maybe fucking Red Band. | ||
| But how many years have had an experience where you brought a woman to your room and nothing happened? | ||
| Look me in the eye and tell me the truth, gentlemen. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| Okay, so let's just, with four gentlemen here, let's be honest. | ||
| So we're at 80%. | ||
| If you bring a woman to your hotel room eight out of ten times, you're gonna fuck her guys. | ||
| Tell me the truth. | ||
| We're just guys sitting and taking a poll. | ||
| It depends. | ||
| It's probably... | ||
| Red man, you're a nice guy. | ||
| Sometimes you bring them over to get high and they get naked for you and put dildos in their pussies. | ||
| I'm talking about, you know, you're a nice guy. | ||
| Sometimes, you know, whatever. | ||
| It depends entirely on the individual. | ||
| On the intentions. | ||
| When you're a guy like Bill Cosby, he's a superstar, multi-multi-millionaire. | ||
| How many other women are going to go to his room without sucking his dick? | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| Not a whole lot of them. | ||
| All of them are going to go into that room, whether they're married or... | ||
| Half of those bitches got a different story also. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| He drugged you because you were alone with him in a fucking room. | ||
| He had plans. | ||
| I'm not blaming them. | ||
| But we're men here. | ||
| We're men. | ||
| You know, when you go into a man's hotel room or his trailer... | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| So he had time to put a pill into your thing. | ||
| He's a dirty motherfucker. | ||
| Let's get that out of the way because he enjoys that faint woman. | ||
| That woman that's half dead. | ||
| That's what he enjoys. | ||
| That's his freak. | ||
| Some people steal bodies from cemeteries. | ||
| Some people want to get jerked off with their feet. | ||
| That was his freak. | ||
| I had a friend who was after a while, he was doing hookers, and he said they would jerk him off with his feet because he was scared of the hiv. | ||
| So he'd just have him jerk him off with his feet in a car. | ||
| With their feet. | ||
| With their feet. | ||
| I wouldn't do that either. | ||
| That's just his worst. | ||
| Hooker feet. | ||
| Hooker dirty feet, concrete and sperm. | ||
| That shit don't mix. | ||
| But let's face it, he took those women to his room. | ||
| Eddie Bravo has a real interesting take on this. | ||
| He had a real good take on this, and there was another guy that got charged for it. | ||
| Was it CeeLo Green guy who was giving girls ecstasy or something like that? | ||
| Yes, CeeLo Green was giving Molly. | ||
| And Eddie was talking about what it must be like to be a really famous guy who's really rich, but you're also maybe not the most attractive guy in the world. | ||
| So maybe some of them, they want to get to know you, but then when you want them to be sexually attracted to you, it doesn't happen. | ||
| And so if you're a creep you start drugging them and and that's what what Eddie was Proposing he was saying like maybe like he just got tired of them saying no And he thought he was better than them and just dropped it in I forget exactly the Eddie's words But I hadn't considered it like that I hadn't thought about it like that like maybe maybe they're not all saying yes I mean maybe it is what I'm weird thing with them where it got like really frustrating and then he just decided to do it or Is it possible? | ||
| That maybe this was like a much more prevalent and accepted thing in the circles that he was running in in like the 1960s? | ||
| Is it possible that people like you would talk about people giving people a mickey or he did a joke about Spanish fly and that Spanish fly joke? | ||
| Is it possible that more people were doing this back then and we're just finding out about it now? | ||
| I don't know, because, I mean, the Slipping the Mickey thing was totally... | ||
| I mean, and the Spanish Fly thing was almost common. | ||
| Like, people talked about it almost... | ||
| Talked about it. | ||
| Like, on The Tonight Show, I think, Bill Cosby talked about it. | ||
| Like, you know, and it seemed like it was more accepted, but... | ||
| I'm just... | ||
| Was it... | ||
| They weren't aware? | ||
| Was it like... | ||
| But I don't know anybody who got, like, in the 60s or 70s, who got a Mickey slipped into them. | ||
| It's like, why was that such a common expression? | ||
| Charles Bronson never did it. | ||
| James Colbert never did it. | ||
| Steve McQueen never did it. | ||
| Fucking Burt Reynolds never did it. | ||
| Can you do me a favor, Burt Reynolds? | ||
| I wanted to show Joe Rogan some. | ||
| Can you get me the beginning of the longest yard? | ||
| I want to show Joe Rogan how much times have changed. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| It's really dark. | ||
| There's something real dark about it. | ||
| Like, you can imagine, like, what is... | ||
| Just what is... | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| What is his essence? | ||
| You know, what is his soul? | ||
| He's doing that. | ||
| Oh, that's his freak. | ||
| Was there a movie that made it look sexy back in the day? | ||
| Like, a James Bond? | ||
| Like, oh, I got some Spanish fly. | ||
| It seems like I remember there was something... | ||
| No, you know what there was a movie though? | ||
| Animal House, where he had to decide whether or not to do the right thing or the wrong thing. | ||
| Remember, the lady blacked out? | ||
| Yes, with the devil on his shoulders, yes. | ||
| And the angel was saying, hey, you know, she's blacked out. | ||
| The devil's like, fuck her, suck her tits, fuck her. | ||
| And, you know, he couldn't figure out what to do. | ||
| Like, you probably couldn't even do that movie today. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it a racer or you should not rape her? | ||
| But as a joke? | ||
| You can't... | ||
| I mean, it's one thing if this was a... | ||
| You can obviously have a horrific rape scene if it's like a drama, right? | ||
| But if it's a comedy and you're joking around about rape, you can't have that. | ||
| No one will accept that today. | ||
| What's the last rape scene that made you uncomfortable? | ||
| There's always rape scenes that make you uncomfortable, but what I'm saying is that you couldn't have a joke about potentially raping a girl, like Animal House. | ||
| You could have a horrible scene in a realistic show, but where the devil's on your shoulder in a comedy going, fucker, fucker! | ||
| Like, whoa! | ||
| I don't think you could do that today. | ||
| Well, watch this for a second. | ||
| Jamie, did you find it? | ||
| It's in there. | ||
| It's in there. | ||
| Opening scene from the original Longest Yard. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| You're going to die. | ||
| You're going to say they could not do this in a fucking movie. | ||
| And to top it off, you got Leonard Skinner on. | ||
| This is the original Longest Yard? | ||
| The original Longest Yard. | ||
| The first scene in the Longest Yard is so fucking off-color that it could not be done today. | ||
| We just watched it by mistake one day and we're like... | ||
| Oh my God, that's fucking bad. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I never, listen, I ran in those circles. | ||
| I'm going to look you guys in the face. | ||
| I never heard of people spiking girls. | ||
| That would not be acceptable where I came from. | ||
| That would not be fucking acceptable. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| I've gotten chicks coked up to the gills to suck my dick, but they're awake. | ||
| And I had an intention, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| They felt bad the next day, but they did the blow. | ||
| You do the devil, you got to drink the cider, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| If you do the devil... | ||
| Watch this, guys. | ||
| This is just... | ||
| Crank it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think the love is going out of our relationship. | |
| Bastard. | ||
| Don't take my Maserati. | ||
| I heard it, too. | ||
| This is a terrible movie. | ||
| Watch this, dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I told you not to touch my goddamn car! | |
| You can't do that today. | ||
| He's like, y'all, shit, this is terrible. | ||
| Dude, this is so bad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is 1973. I can't believe how bad it is. | |
| This is drinking in the garden. | ||
| That's what people did back then. | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| Chewing gum. | ||
| Smiling. | ||
| Chewing gum while drinking. | ||
| What kind of shitbox is he driving though? | ||
| That's a Maserati in 1973. That's what a Maserati looked like? | ||
| That you just said, don't touch my Maserati. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| That that could be like a cool car? | ||
| And the cops are now coming after him? | ||
| While he's drinking. | ||
| He throws it in the backseat. | ||
| This is Bert Reynolds and the plan of his life, guys. | ||
| He's outrunning the cops with his Maserati here. | ||
| This is hilarious. | ||
| They're in a go-kart race. | ||
| That car is such a shitbox. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| My dad had that car. | ||
| Your dad had that car? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| I think he had an old one. | ||
| Giant, big, goofy American cars chasing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
These cars handle so bad. | |
| They're all right. | ||
| Pretty goddamn good chasing, though. | ||
| Hold on, I gave it better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think... | |
| This is so ridiculous. | ||
| Well-timed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! Jesus Christ. | |
| Goddamn. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| Probably should call off the car chase, huh? | ||
| Listen, guys, the car chases in those days were so tough. | ||
| When you see that movie with McQueen and they're chasing him in San Francisco and that Mustang, that was so much tougher to drive that car. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That shit now, today, it's easy. | ||
| This is when you had to be a fucking monster. | ||
| Yeah, these cars are dog shit. | ||
| Like, look how skinny his tires are. | ||
| You see how skinny those tires are? | ||
| There's, like, no traction on those fucking things. | ||
| They didn't fucking know. | ||
| The mechanical grip was nothing. | ||
| They didn't know. | ||
| Look at this guy. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This bad motherfucker tearing shit up in this country in 73. This is before Cannibal Ron, right? | |
| Yeah, this is when he was still a fucking savage. | ||
| I like how the trunk magically closes again. | ||
| But watch this now. | ||
| He's still listening to the same song. | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| He hit rewind and shit on the 8-track. | ||
| Look at the cigarettes he smokes, too. | ||
| He ain't fucking around, guys. | ||
| This was him. | ||
| Again, this is a different America. | ||
| This was him against Clint Eastwood, against Charles Bronson, against James Coburn. | ||
| You had to do this crazy type shit, smack bitches and shit to get attention. | ||
| Look at the pants he's got on. | ||
| How did you do that? | ||
| Because he doesn't want them to catch him. | ||
| Don't you understand, Brian? | ||
| No, but how did he put the gas? | ||
| Back then, those cars were dog shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could just fucking press a button and it would go into the water. | |
| Forward button. | ||
| Then he goes to the bar and the cops come in and he's sitting there fucking hammered. | ||
| And they're like stepping away from the bar and the little guy goes, why'd you throw a whole car in the ocean? | ||
| He goes, because it needed a car wash. | ||
| Jamie, put on the chase scene from Bullet. | ||
| I watched Bullet this year. | ||
| I was up in Canada and it was on TV. You gotta sit there and go. | ||
| It was so good. | ||
| What the fuck were they thinking? | ||
| I watched it from the beginning to the end. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| What the fuck were they thinking? | ||
| Bullet, Steve McQueen, cop movie. | ||
| In San Francisco, and they have a crazy scene with a 68 Mustang where McQueen is chasing this guy. | ||
| This guy's chasing him in a Dodge Charger. | ||
| Oh, it's one of the all-time great car scenes. | ||
| Look at this shit. | ||
| The guy's got this gigantic Dodge Charger, and he's got this dope 68 Mustang, which, for cars back then, handled really goddamn good. | ||
| I mean, that was a lightweight car with a good amount of power, but, you know, there are drum brakes and shitty suspension, and so these guys are driving around the corners in these cars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's sped up. | |
| Is it sped up? | ||
| It was like a video. | ||
| It is a little sped up, huh? | ||
| Look at this poor bat. | ||
| This is when you were a stuntman now. | ||
| This guy's in the hospital. | ||
| Fuck Tate. | ||
| That guy actually had to lay down. | ||
| This guy got a thousand stitches and shit. | ||
| That's when you fucking were a stuntman. | ||
| They didn't have pads or nothing. | ||
| You did it with Wranglers on. | ||
| How much of Steve McQueen's own driving did he do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| How much in the movie? | ||
| Because he's obviously doing some of it. | ||
| He could drive his ass off. | ||
| Yeah, he could drive his ass off. | ||
| He used to race. | ||
| Didn't he do another movie he played? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What was the name of the movie? | ||
| Le Mans. | ||
| Le Mans. | ||
| He played Le Mans. | ||
| That's a great movie. | ||
| I forgot all about that one. | ||
| That's a great movie. | ||
| Yeah, and it's another movie that for like 10 minutes nobody says a word. | ||
| That's the thing about this chase scene. | ||
| One of the craziest things about it is how well orchestrated it is, how cool it is. | ||
| Look at that skinny ass bitch tires. | ||
| Joe Rosen, this would not work today. | ||
| People would walk out of this movie today. | ||
| They have no attention span anymore. | ||
| Not me, but today the attention span. | ||
| For a big time movie for sure. | ||
| People are used to these smash cuts and they're used to MTV style editing. | ||
| Music videos are like the champions of quick editing. | ||
| Eddie Bravo, again, explained that to me. | ||
| He was talking to me about how they make music videos. | ||
| If you ever notice, they're constantly switching angles, constantly changing the way it looks. | ||
| He goes, you don't have a static image for like 60 seconds, you know, like someone standing there. | ||
| He goes, that's really rare. | ||
| Most of the time, like, especially pop songs, they're constantly trying to move the image around to keep you interested in it. | ||
| But this movie, look, we're watching this guy load shells into his shotgun for like 20 seconds. | ||
| They set everything up in a different way. | ||
| At the beginning of the mechanic, there's not a word for the first 14 minutes. | ||
| He just watches the guy and sets him up. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| You're sitting there going, what's going on in here? | ||
| They're fucking up that Dodge Charger. | ||
| Between this movie and the Dukes of Hazzard, more people fucked up Dodge Chargers. | ||
| It hurts my soul. | ||
| I watch the Dukes of Hazzard and watch that fucking car make a jump and watch the frame bend. | ||
| And then they just drive away. | ||
| And you know that the car that they jumped with is not the car they're driving with. | ||
| They put a kit on it, correct? | ||
| Well, you know, they just got a bunch of them. | ||
| And they just broke a bunch of them. | ||
| But they did have some fake ones, too. | ||
| Like some other cars with a Charger body shell that they would sacrifice. | ||
| Well, Miami Vice, all those cars were just kits. | ||
| Yeah, oh, for those Ferraris and stuff. | ||
| Don Johnson's was a kit. | ||
| That was a fucking kit. | ||
| A Testarossa. | ||
| Was it really? | ||
| It was a kit? | ||
| It wasn't a real Testarossa? | ||
| No kidding. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I've seen a Miata that somebody turned into a Testarossa. | ||
| No, not a Miata, I'm sorry. | ||
| Fiero. | ||
| Remember those Fieros? | ||
| Pontiac Fiero? | ||
| My sister had one of those. | ||
| The trade-in value on those was Ugats. | ||
| When you brought those back, there were like 800 people with crack right there like a statue. | ||
| I paid $8,000. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| I forgot about that scene. | ||
| The guy loses the car and goes right into the gas station and it blows up. | ||
| Oh, he almost lost it. | ||
| Remember kit cars? | ||
| I almost got a kit car. | ||
| They still have them. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| I was looking in the back of one of those hot rod magazines and they had this kit car thing. | ||
| It was like not that much money either for the kit and you put it together yourself and you have to, I think you have to put an engine in it, you have to do the whole thing. | ||
| But some people actually do that. | ||
| They actually build their own cars. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For my first car when I was 15, that was one of my options. | ||
| It was to get an army kit car, where you could build your own army Jeep. | ||
| Right, right, the Jeeps, right? | ||
| You get the Jeeps for $250, and put it on a different frame or something crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it was advertised. | ||
| It's like back in comic books. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's a car, I think it's called the Noble, I think it's called, but it's a car, I think it's from England, and they ship it over here. | ||
| It's this beautiful, crazy-looking sports car. | ||
| They ship it over here with no engine, and you have to get an engine put in it. | ||
| It's like, so it's not really, I mean, they don't consider it a car when you buy it, and that's how they can sell it to you, because it's not, you know, it doesn't have all the, it doesn't pass all the regulations that you need. | ||
| You know how to do that? | ||
| Is Maserati an Italian car? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| When they were shipping cars over in the 70s, they had to take the engines out and shit, so the Mafia couldn't steal the cars. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They also, when they sent Italian shoes over, after a while, they would just send cargoes with Wright shoes. | ||
| And then car goes with left shoes because like that they wouldn't get robbed. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Fucking hilarious. | ||
| They would rob the fucking, you know, the cars, the fucking docks or the Italian shoes. | ||
| Well, the docks have always been known as been like one of the places for organized crime, right? | ||
| On the waterfront with Marlon Brando, my buddy Joe Lake that we were talking about, he was a teamster. | ||
| He was a longshoreman. | ||
| And, you know, a longshoreman. | ||
| That whole world has always been depicted in movies as being organized crime headquarters. | ||
| They meet down by the docks. | ||
| There's always people like that. | ||
| The rough, hard tumble, hard scrabble people. | ||
| Hamlin, loan sharks. | ||
| Everything goes on there. | ||
| You can buy jackets. | ||
| Anything that comes off those files. | ||
| I have a friend till this day. | ||
| I talked to him yesterday. | ||
| He still drives cars. | ||
| Off the ships. | ||
| That's what he does for a living. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So the ships come in with like Hondas and shit? | ||
| 42 fucking dollars an hour plus overtime, since he was in high school. | ||
| Oh, this is what I was going to ask you earlier, but I didn't want to interrupt your story. | ||
| Do they grow heroin in other countries? | ||
| I don't even know if you know the answer to this. | ||
| But they grow it in other countries because they can't grow it here? | ||
| Or do they grow it in other countries because it's not financially viable here? | ||
| I think the poppy seed... | ||
| Well, listen, let me tell you something. | ||
| If any drug dealer could grow poppy seeds here and eliminate the travel, they would have done it by now. | ||
| But would they have? | ||
| What I'm thinking is... | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Anybody who could cut that cost out and eliminate that whole fucking journey every time? | ||
| I think you need a lot of land. | ||
| I think it's one of those things that would be really hard to do indoors. | ||
| Because I think it's something that they do, like when they make heroin, you need a lot of land to make a smaller amount of heroin than you would think. | ||
| Poppy seeders comes from... | ||
| Heroin comes from the poppy plant, correct? | ||
| And I think it's high out. | ||
| It's like coca leaves. | ||
| Why don't they grow coca leaves here? | ||
| Are you fucking kidding? | ||
| Yeah, that's exactly the same question I was going to ask. | ||
| Why don't they grow coca leaves here? | ||
| But I heard now that that's a big... | ||
| Uh, market now. | ||
| People are importing coca leaves. | ||
| People in Beverly Hills now are having coca leaves parties with cigars. | ||
| Well, you chew those coca leaves. | ||
| They're supposed to be great. | ||
| And you smoke a cigar and drink wine and people get fucked up. | ||
| That's the rumor. | ||
| Like 300 of the leaf. | ||
| I don't know what the deal is. | ||
| I've never eaten no fucking leaves. | ||
| I would. | ||
| The people in the high altitude in Peru, they have bags of these things they take with them. | ||
| It's really kind of freaky to watch. | ||
| They pack their mouths with it, and they have like a squirrel-sized lump on the side of their face, and they just chew these leaves. | ||
| It's like fucking chewing tobacco, only coca leaves. | ||
| Except it's actually kind of healthy for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not bad for you. | ||
| Well, that's before you had to get... | ||
| What was I... There's a fucking new drug. | ||
| Did you see this, this crocodile? | ||
| Yeah, it's been around for a while. | ||
| What the fuck is this? | ||
| Where they take a Dilata and they process it into something else? | ||
| They put two drugs in this. | ||
| Gasoline and red sulfur. | ||
| That should tell you right there. | ||
| That's not the drug for me. | ||
| Right or wrong? | ||
| You put gasoline and then it eats the skin? | ||
| Yeah, it's causing necrosis in some of these people. | ||
| How fucking high could this get you? | ||
| I think it starts out when they just have a little bit of a bruised area or a fucked up area and then they just get hooked on shooting it in and they keep shooting in that spot and it keeps getting worse and worse and it's just not getting better and then it starts really going downhill and then they get super depressed and they keep shooting it in there. | ||
| I think it's a real bad drug. | ||
| A real dangerous, scary drug. | ||
| And apparently they're doing it when they can't get heroin. | ||
| That's how a lot of it got started. | ||
| We read it online. | ||
| But the images, if they're correct, if those are real images, if people's bones poked out of their skin, that really is true. | ||
| That's spooky as fuck. | ||
| When your bones are exposed, you've got a problem. | ||
| It's a problem. | ||
| It's a real problem. | ||
| I used to snort coke with a guy while he was talking to you. | ||
| He'd have to get the straw and then put like a paperclip in his nose because the skin had collapsed. | ||
| So we'd have to pick the skin up, put the dollar in there, and then snort it. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| And this was an 85. Now he's missing his nose. | ||
| Like he ain't even breathing no water. | ||
| That was an 85 the last time I snorted with that guy. | ||
| And he would have to pick up the wall from his nose. | ||
| Jamie, find out why they don't grow cocaine in the United States. | ||
| Can you imagine that shit? | ||
| Someone on the message board says it takes an acre of cocoa leaves to make a kilo, so they need, like, slave labor to collect and process. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| That does make some sense. | ||
| Listen, brother, they could do it here. | ||
| They would have done it here. | ||
| Trust me, I'm telling you. | ||
| They had the financing. | ||
| They've had the fucking money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They could have hid it back then, right? | |
| No, they can't do it. | ||
| There's a reason why they can't do it here. | ||
| It's about the altitude. | ||
| There's something in the soil. | ||
| There's some reason. | ||
| Both of those things. | ||
| If not, some drug dealer would have hired a chemist and said, bring it over here. | ||
| Some Chinese guy, okay, with tons of loot, would have got another genius Chinese guy 30 years ago and said, teach us how to grow this shit in Jersey. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| It would have eliminated everything. | ||
| But there's some reason why. | ||
| You know, you just can't. | ||
| They made synthetic heroin, yeah. | ||
| But you need that Chinese white shit. | ||
| On this coast, they have the Mexican that tar. | ||
| That shit you just shoot and you smoke. | ||
| But on the East Coast, that white powder is what the suburban kids like. | ||
| That's what the models get hooked on because it's two bumps. | ||
| And you're done. | ||
| You're done. | ||
| It's lights out. | ||
| And now they're making it purer than ever. | ||
| Because it's coming from Afghanistan? | ||
| This next war, this last war, when this started after 9-11, this picked up heroin again. | ||
| It started coming in here again. | ||
| Especially in the Detroit area. | ||
| Detroit is not as fucked up as it is because, you know, it's fucked up. | ||
| It's because they just threw heroin in there. | ||
| They couldn't fucking handle it, man. | ||
| And the same thing happened in Newark, New Jersey. | ||
| It happened in a couple fucking areas that I know about because I have friends that shoot fucking heroin. | ||
| And they tell you this and you're like, hmm, that's interesting that this happened after 9-11. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So... | ||
| Well, I mean, the production of heroin has gone through the roof in Afghanistan. | ||
| Through the roof. | ||
| You know, and there's all sorts of reasons why they have excuses why they let them do it, or why it's happening, or why, you know, the army helps them. | ||
| So pills are at their all-time highest, and heroin's at their all-time highest. | ||
| Who's doing this shit? | ||
| But where are they making the pills from? | ||
| Do they need actual heroin to make those pills? | ||
| Do they need poppy seeds? | ||
| They need something. | ||
| Some of it is probably synthetic. | ||
| Yeah, it's probably all synthetic, right? | ||
| But what does that mean, though? | ||
| Where are they getting the compounds to put it together? | ||
| Where did it come from? | ||
| They have to have a raw version of something that turns into heroin, right? | ||
| When you say synthetic, it's not like you press a 3D printer and heroin comes out. | ||
| There has to be things that they... | ||
| A lot of pharmaceuticals, we think of them as pharmaceuticals, but a lot of them, they're actually getting some of the chemicals from plants. | ||
| You know, that's one of the reasons why they mine the rainforest. | ||
| They're always looking for different plants that they can exploit, and they can make pharmaceutical drugs out of. | ||
| It's kind of like, I remember when I was a hippie, a lot of people had synthetic peyote, and I don't know what that even means, but I think they just took the compounds, whatever makes, you know, real peyote, and just recreate it in a lab somehow. | ||
| You know, it's like... | ||
| Isn't it like ingredients? | ||
| Well, there was a story that I read about Coca-Cola. | ||
| Because Coca-Cola uses real coca leaves. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Real coca leaves. | ||
| Still today? | ||
| Still today. | ||
| They use real coca leaves. | ||
| And they don't have cocaine in them anymore. | ||
| What they do is they get these coca leaves and they bring them to this medical cocaine supplying company. | ||
| Right, and they take the coke out, sell that to New Jersey, a company in New Jersey, and they put it into pills and medicine. | ||
| They put it into medicine. | ||
| You're right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely right. | |
| So that's all coming from coca leaves, which is really crazy. | ||
| Like, you wouldn't have thought that. | ||
| You would have thought that, like, synthetic cocaine or lidocaine or whatever the fuck it is that they're using, whatever versions of medical-grade cocaine that they use, you would have thought, somehow or another, that's coming from chemicals. | ||
| That's what we would think. | ||
| It's synthetic. | ||
| We always like to say shit like that. | ||
| But what does that mean? | ||
| Like there's got to be like raw compounds that are used to make this stuff. | ||
| Where are those coming from? | ||
| It's coming from the origin. | ||
| I think synthetic means they take some of the origin and they put other shit in it to match it and they make it cheaper for you. | ||
| It's like when you go to the store now and you go, hi, I'm here to pick up my medication. | ||
| They go, well, we wanted to ask you a question. | ||
| Do you want the original Oxycontin or do you want Melocontin, which is the same, only made in Switzerland, but instead of $80, the prescription is $28. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So I shouldn't say synthetic heroin, synthetic opiates. | ||
| Where do synthetic opiates come from? | ||
| Derived from opium. | ||
| Well, there's a bunch that are derived from opium. | ||
| Wow, that's a fucking nutty list. | ||
| Morphine, codeine, heroin, t-bane, and oropavine. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| Codeine. | ||
| Heroin. | ||
| Heroin and morphine. | ||
| How similar are they? | ||
| It's like the same. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's what I've heard. | ||
| I mean, I don't use them, obviously, but I've heard... | ||
| If that's true, then I've done heroin. | ||
| They're cousins. | ||
| They're like the gay cousins. | ||
| I was on a morphine drip when I got my knee operated on my first time. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I kept hitting that button. | ||
| You hit the button whenever you want. | ||
| This is like 1993. They didn't regulate you. | ||
| So I was lying in this bed. | ||
| My knee was killing me. | ||
| And I'd hit that button. | ||
| It would be like NyQuil. | ||
| Like taking NyQuil. | ||
| Like clip, clip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's probably what heroin's like. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| It's pretty sweet. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| So I've done it. | ||
| So there you go. | ||
| I've done heroin. | ||
| I didn't even think I did, but then I remembered that one night that I had to stay in the hospital, and I had my ACL reconstructed. | ||
| That's why they had me there, and it was done with a patella tendon graft. | ||
| That's how they did it back then. | ||
| That was a good way to do it. | ||
| Sometimes they still do it that way today. | ||
| They're taking a chunk of bone off my knee and a chunk of bone off my shin and a sliver of my patella tendon. | ||
| And then they open you up like a fish, screw this piece of meat and use the bone piece that they cut out of the shin and the bone piece that they cut out of the kneecap and then they reconstruct the knee. | ||
| And it hurts like a motherfucker, dude. | ||
| Woo! | ||
| It's like lightning bolts shooting. | ||
| Whenever you cut into bone and drill... | ||
| The other one that I had done, I had done with a cadaver, like, way easier. | ||
| I mean, like, almost nothing. | ||
| Like, I went to... | ||
| You know Matt Lichtenberg. | ||
| I went to his birthday party five days after the operation. | ||
| Just walked. | ||
| I was fine. | ||
| I had a brace on it. | ||
| I didn't want to hurt myself, but I didn't need crutches. | ||
| I could get around. | ||
| It's totally different than the patella tendon graft. | ||
| Your leg blows up like a fucking balloon. | ||
| But I'm lying in bed and they have me on this continuous motion machine. | ||
| From the moment you come out of the operating room, they don't want your leg to stiffen up because then it's really hard to get moving again. | ||
| Once you get really rigid, the trauma sets in and it's really difficult to straighten your leg out. | ||
| So right away, they have you on this thing. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| So not only are you in agony, but your leg is on this continual machine. | ||
| Morphine is commonly related to is morphine sulfate. | ||
| Heroin is diacetylmorphine. | ||
| That is, heroin is simply morphine with an acetyl. | ||
| Molecule attached. | ||
| Acetyl? | ||
| Acetyl. | ||
| Acetylmorph molecule attached. | ||
| So it's basically the same shit. | ||
| Yeah, and that molecule just does it faster. | ||
| Yeah, in terms of the effects, they're exactly the same. | ||
| And medically interchangeable, except for the dosage. | ||
| In fact, they're both converted to the same form of morphine when they get into the body. | ||
| Fascinating. | ||
| Thank you, young Jack. | ||
| It's all, you know, when you had surgery or anything like that, it's all, when they give you that shit. | ||
| They're giving you heroin. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| They're giving you H, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| In a different form. | ||
| It's not the street level, but it's a form of what you're getting high. | ||
| And it's tremendous. | ||
| Who doesn't like that high? | ||
| My friend's mom had cancer, and she went through all the channels, and she was on her way out, and she decided to go out on her own by taking all her morphine. | ||
| She just said, look, what a beautiful way to do it. | ||
| Just do it like this. | ||
| She took it all. | ||
| They were giving her something for pain, and I guess she had enough to stop the ticker. | ||
| And she just said, it's enough. | ||
| She's like, I'm wasting away. | ||
| She goes, there's no hope. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| Her body, it was over. | ||
| It was like the last few days. | ||
| But that's how she decided to do it. | ||
| You gotta respect that, you know? | ||
| Like, the fact that that's illegal. | ||
| You know, I know it would be abused. | ||
| I know it could be abused by people that want to kill people. | ||
| You know, oh, my mom wanted to go. | ||
| You know, you could run into those type of people that would actually kill a family member to get some money from the will, kill a wife, you know? | ||
| Those kind of things. | ||
| But I think that Still, for someone who's dying, man, for your mom or something like that, when it's the last days, and you've got to watch her just in agony constantly with no light at the end of the tunnel, you know, she's 90 years old or whatever the hell she is, like, fuck, man. | ||
| Like, you've got to have a heart, man. | ||
| That shit should be legal. | ||
| You should be able to do that. | ||
| And in some places it is, right? | ||
| It's legal in Oregon. | ||
| Like, there was that one girl that was trying to do that. | ||
| She moved to Oregon. | ||
| Did she do it? | ||
| Yeah, she ended up delaying it a couple days, and then she did it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Whew! | ||
| It's crazy shit, man. | ||
| I think you gotta be there to really make a decision on that one. | ||
| You know, they gotta be there. | ||
| It's tough to just... | ||
| Some people get tired of fighting. | ||
| You know, you get tired or you get weary from the illness just draining you. | ||
| And then the chemotherapy drains you sometimes even further. | ||
| And it's hard. | ||
| You know, the last days. | ||
| What's amazing is how many people benefit from CBDs from marijuana and how few people are getting it. | ||
| You know, the more I read about this and the more I talk to people that have had it and talk to people that have loved ones that have tried it on cancer and had incredible results, it just drives me nuts. | ||
| It's just so hard to believe that that stuff is still demonized, that people are still pretending that it's one of the worst things that society can make legal. | ||
| If it only did that with cancer, forget about the getting high part. | ||
| If it only did that for cancer, do you know how magical that drug would be? | ||
| It's got this creepy past. | ||
| It's like a stripper that wrote the most amazing book, but nobody wants to listen to it because she used to be a stripper. | ||
| Marijuana has this seedy part to it. | ||
| And that seedy part keeps people from recognizing the textile use, the uses as a commodity, the use for making houses, the use for food. | ||
| Like, if it was just all those things and didn't get people high, it would be our all-time favorite plant. | ||
| It would be the number one plant in the world. | ||
| We would be using it all the time. | ||
| They say that this hempcrete, have you ever heard of hempcrete, concrete they make with hemp? | ||
| It's supposed to be some of the most durable, lightweight, fire-resistant insulation. | ||
| It's great insulation properties. | ||
| And it's made out of hemp. | ||
| And you can make it cheap. | ||
| It doesn't cost a lot of money to grow hemp. | ||
| They just can't grow it. | ||
| You can't even get high from this shit. | ||
| I mean, it's really crazy if you stopped and thought about it. | ||
| If it was a plot in a movie, if there was something that was as powerful as the marijuana plant, it was something that had so many benefits, And it was somehow or another kept illegal. | ||
| And somehow or another the propaganda kept people thinking that it would be one of the worst things for a society if they were to make this legal. | ||
| You would lose your fucking mind. | ||
| You would go, this movie's stupid. | ||
| Like, this movie's dumb. | ||
| People would riot. | ||
| They wouldn't, they wouldn't, come on. | ||
| You got something that cures epilepsy in kids? | ||
| Little kids that have epilepsy? | ||
| Have you seen any different fucking kids that have benefited? | ||
| Johnny Rotten. | ||
| Yeah, our buddy Johnny. | ||
| His kid was having all sorts of seizures. | ||
| He moves up to Seattle, gets him on the medical marijuana program, boom, goes away. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Goes away, gets it a hundred times better, and the kid starts communicating. | ||
| Changed his life. | ||
| Changed that kid's life. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| It's just weird. | ||
| It's one of the weirdest parts about being alive in 2015 is that there's so many improvements going on. | ||
| There's so much fascinating shit happening in our culture, and yet this one thing is like this holdout. | ||
| This clawing thing that clings to the sword. | ||
| It's not that. | ||
| It's the people's reaction that gets me still. | ||
| Like, I'm the type of guy that, you know what, man? | ||
| I didn't eat sushi until 1995, but I came around. | ||
| You know, when I was in New York, fuck you and raw fish. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Raw fish. | ||
| You know? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| But then one day I came around. | ||
| I never said I hated sushi. | ||
| I just said it wasn't for me at the time. | ||
| And then you listen to a fucking moron like Governor Christie, who just aggravates me. | ||
| It aggravates me that this guy is running for president. | ||
| This fucking year's president fucking list is horrible. | ||
| Thank God. | ||
| I'm happy I got felonies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're happy. | |
| You don't have to vote. | ||
| You're like, these motherfuckers, from the Cuban dude to Christie, we're in bad shape, though. | ||
| Christie's ridiculous. | ||
| We're in bad shape. | ||
| He's a ridiculous person. | ||
| He's a ridiculous person. | ||
| He's so ridiculous. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I'm so happy I don't live in Jersey, man. | ||
| I'm so fucking happy. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| He's so mocked. | ||
| I can't imagine him ever. | ||
| And he's got that whole bridge thing that's going to hold him back. | ||
| He's not going to get enough. | ||
| But what he will do in doing this is raise his public profile. | ||
| And maybe he's pretty good at debating. | ||
| He's pretty good at talking. | ||
| And maybe if he has these conversations in front of America. | ||
| You know, the way he's been having them in New Jersey, maybe like in a big public forum like presidential debates. | ||
| It could be kind of interesting. | ||
| It could be interesting to hear him talk. | ||
| Because as moronic as he is, he's still a very good talker. | ||
| You know, I disagree with a lot of the shit that he says. | ||
| But I gotta respect the fact that the guy knows how to communicate. | ||
| Sometimes that's all you need in this goofy ass world. | ||
| Somebody writes you a good juicy script. | ||
| You have a bunch of people behind you. | ||
| They give you a little makeover. | ||
| They tried to do that with him. | ||
| They got him on that fucking belly band. | ||
| But somehow or another, it didn't work. | ||
| Like, he's still big. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| I mean, he did get on that, right? | ||
| Find out if he did that. | ||
| Because that's ridiculous. | ||
| This is the way I look at it. | ||
| I grew up in Northern New Jersey. | ||
| I grew up in politicians' homes. | ||
| And I know that to be a politician in New Jersey, somewhere along the line, you gotta take an envelope. | ||
| And when you're running for president, it's pretty tough to take an envelope and people have to fucking raise their hand. | ||
| It's like Donald Trump. | ||
| When he raised his hand, I cannot believe it. | ||
| Just on what he did in New York in the 80s. | ||
| If that guy even moves... | ||
| What did he do in New York? | ||
| In New York in the 80s, when he was building all those things... | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| Once the rants start going, don't pull it up. | ||
| In the 80s, when he was doing all that developing, He shut up. | ||
| Like Rogan Construction. | ||
| Rogan Construction was started by your... | ||
| I'm just making a name up. | ||
| Rogan Construction was a company started by your grandpa in Newark and his two brothers and then he hired their sons and now they have 12 full-time employees and they've been putzing along since 1948 doing new construction and houses and remodels, but whatever, they're keeping their lights on. | ||
| And all of a sudden, a GC comes in, who's a general contractor on this job, who's somebody like fucking Trump. | ||
| And he hires people like Rogan Construction and Search Electric and, oh God, it's fucking plumbing. | ||
| Oh God. | ||
| Suck my dick concrete. | ||
| You know, whatever the fuck the name of the company is. | ||
| Somebody make a t-shirt quickly. | ||
| And they would stiff him. | ||
| And all these companies went out of business. | ||
| All that construction he did in New York and New Jersey in the 80s was very suspect. | ||
| Number two, before he raised his hand, I hope, I hope that he's this intelligent. | ||
| Let me get that water, my brother. | ||
| I'm sorry to fuck up your little... | ||
| I hope that he called a congressman or a governor or somebody in Colorado and he said, how buried is Sammy the Bull Gravano? | ||
| Can he get to TMZ? Can he get to a phone? | ||
| Because all those deals he had going on in the 80s, he was in bed with the mafia. | ||
| It doesn't take a fucking genius to tell you that. | ||
| Okay, a dumpster, the one that Johnny Reed fell in when he tried to commit suicide, you know those dumpsters you guys see? | ||
| A square dumpster? | ||
| To get one in Colorado in 1987 was $200 for the day. | ||
| You know what that same dumpster was in New York in 1987? | ||
| $2,200. | ||
| That's how high the construction costs were. | ||
| Some of it were the Mafia tax. | ||
| Well, there was a lot of organized crime. | ||
| Tons of organized crime. | ||
| So somewhere along the line, this Trump was in bed with organized crime. | ||
| Had to be. | ||
| Had to be. | ||
| The Trump Plaza, Atlantic City. | ||
| Just look at the locations. | ||
| I never thought of this. | ||
| I always thought of this. | ||
| I always knew this idiot did not, could not raise his fucking hand. | ||
| And if anybody is smart, go to the Sammy the Bull book. | ||
| He talks about it not so many ways. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So I guarantee the feds have their files. | ||
| And as soon as this guy moves up a little bit, they're going to go... | ||
| Take a look at this. | ||
| This is what Sammy the Bull told us. | ||
| How can we take care of this? | ||
| A donation to the fucking Buffon Ghoul Company of fucking blind kids. | ||
| Whatever the fuck it takes. | ||
| Because this guy was the major contractor in New York in the 80s. | ||
| All these small businesses, he put their lights out. | ||
| You know how I know? | ||
| I'll tell you how I know for a fact. | ||
| When I got locked up, one of the conditions of me getting out was I had to get a job. | ||
| To alleviate the state of Colorado, my attorney came up with this paperwork. | ||
| Listen, if you let him out, he'll leave. | ||
| Not next week. | ||
| Not tomorrow. | ||
| We got a plane for him. | ||
| As soon as he gets out of your fucking jail, we'll take him out of New Jersey. | ||
| We'll get him back to New Jersey. | ||
| But to do all this, I had to have a promise of employment. | ||
| And I called around New Jersey and my friend's uncle had a window, door, trim, sash company. | ||
| You know, all this shit for your door. | ||
| That's a sash on the bottom, by the way. | ||
| And trim around your door and the door and shades. | ||
| And they sold all that stuff. | ||
| And they had like an 11-man crew. | ||
| Like six guys on phones. | ||
| So he goes, if you want to go, he sent me the resume to the guy, his uncle, and I called him. | ||
| We spoke on the phone. | ||
| And in fact, I wrote the guy while I was in prison, back and forth, because he would tell me, keep your head up. | ||
| You got a job when you get out. | ||
| Don't be down on yourself. | ||
| When I got out into the halfway house, I called him. | ||
| And I said, hey, man. | ||
| I got to sit in the halfway house for 90 days, but I'll be in Jersey by June. | ||
| He goes, I don't think I got high. | ||
| We were working on this construction company and we got stiffed. | ||
| It was that fucking guy, Trump. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Stiffed us, so we lost everything. | ||
| We had an investment in the... | ||
| You know, these were high-rises. | ||
| You had to pay for all those windows, and he's gonna pay you. | ||
| You know, they might have got a deposit or something from the GC, but not enough. | ||
| They got stiff. | ||
| So he would just put them under? | ||
| Yeah, but he would go under, like, he would go to, he was the top builder, and he would go to Joe Rogan Construction, and he would put it all under your name. | ||
| So you went down, too. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So he did all this. | ||
| He ruined fucking family businesses. | ||
| And all of a sudden, he has this short memory. | ||
| You know, when you run for president, they look at you with a fucking... | ||
| Microscope. | ||
| And you know why I don't know what happened with the birth certificate and Obama's birth certificate. | ||
| I never paid attention. | ||
| I hope he was born in Kenya. | ||
| This is something you cannot overlook with this guy. | ||
| This guy's a prick. | ||
| He doesn't know anything about him in the fucking country anyway. | ||
| He was one of the guys that was going on and on about Obama's birth certificate. | ||
| He was like one of the main guys. | ||
| First of all, Just look at them as human beings. | ||
| Like when you hear them talk and you kind of like what they stand for. | ||
| He's my favorite president ever. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Obama. | ||
| Better than Clinton? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think Clinton, you know, Clinton had a lot of flavor and he did some good stuff too. | ||
| But I think Obama has been the most, maybe it's just the times that we're in, he's the most noticeable when it comes to like Spreading this like what I think is like an improvement in the way people think You know first of all by being black second of all by a support of gay rights Really like blatant support like where they turn the fucking White House rainbow when it got passed I mean that's crazy shit, | ||
| man That's never existed before when you see when you saw that picture of the White House being rainbow colored at night I was like this is nuts man. | ||
| That wouldn't happen with Nixon This is some shit that's similar to the fucking abolition of slavery. | ||
| It's similar. | ||
| I mean, it's not as extreme a slavery. | ||
| It's not as extreme a trap. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| That's so amazing. | ||
| I mean, but it's similar in the way that it's going to change the way people look at gay people. | ||
| It might not be now. | ||
| It might not be the generation of our parents. | ||
| It might not be the generation of our older brothers and sisters. | ||
| But it's going to be the generation of our kids. | ||
| The generation of our kids is gonna understand that gay people, it's just like being mad at people for having red hair. | ||
| It's just who they are. | ||
| Like, what do you give a fuck? | ||
| And if you give a fuck about that, what else are you gonna come creepin' around about? | ||
| What are you gonna fuck with people about? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Are you gonna fuck with people about the way they dress? | ||
| Are you gonna fuck with people about the way they talk? | ||
| Like, what is it? | ||
| Leave people the fuck alone. | ||
| And the more we do that, the more we can sort it all out. | ||
| And find out what is really bothering us. | ||
| What's really bothering people? | ||
| A lot of what's bothering people is people intruding on other people's lives. | ||
| And it doesn't get any more inclusive than in the fucking bedroom. | ||
| You're intruding on people's bedrooms? | ||
| You care if people want to get married, if they love each other just because they're two guys or two girls? | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| And if you do give a fuck, you're a problem. | ||
| You're a problem in this free world. | ||
| And this is just one thing that you ideologically attached yourself to. | ||
| And it might be religious-based. | ||
| Who knows what the fuck... | ||
| Other shit you got going on in your head you don't want people to do. | ||
| You know, who knows what other weird kind of Sharia law shit you want to incorporate into society. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You think people shouldn't be able to get married just because they're two men or two women? | ||
| That's intolerable in 2015. That's archaic shit. | ||
| And I think that is one of the archaic things that's going to slowly but surely start vanishing from our world. | ||
| Maybe not now. | ||
| There's still a lot of homophobia now. | ||
| But, you know, there's this woman from Brazil. | ||
| Who's did an interview? | ||
| I think it was Jessica Andrade MMA fighter and she was talking about how many people in Brazil are homophobic in comparison to the United States and she's like it's really nice to see the United States doing this and hopefully more people in Brazil think this way too and you realize like that a lot of like Latin American countries especially like you were talking about Cuba and You were talking to me the other night about Cuba. | ||
| Oh, Russia! | ||
| Cuba! | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Russia, they passed laws. | ||
| They passed laws against gay people. | ||
| Listen, man, this is something completely new to some people. | ||
| It doesn't affect me, so it doesn't bother me. | ||
| You know, like I said in my joke on stage, I live next to two transgenders across the street. | ||
| The gay girl with the dog. | ||
| I talk to them every day. | ||
| I goof on them. | ||
| I goof on fucking Big Mike and Leslie. | ||
| You know, I love them. | ||
| I don't give a fuck, you know, but there's some people who are still living in 1970, man. | ||
| And those people are stuck in their own fucking lives, so I just keep walking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You just keep walking. | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| And every day they watch The Longest Yard. | ||
| Long for the days when you could smash a chick's face against the wall. | ||
| I was explaining to you the other day that the most foremost community in Cuba is the gay community. | ||
| I grew up with gay Cubans around me. | ||
| My mom had the fucking bar. | ||
| Who do you think fucking keeps the lights on? | ||
| White dudes in the daytime. | ||
| Those gay fucks that come in and spend it. | ||
| And in those days, they were doing blow. | ||
| They were selling blow. | ||
| And I grew up around them. | ||
| I never had any H or anything for them. | ||
| But my stepfather, he's from the other side of Cuba. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Where they can't be in a room with a gay guy. | ||
| No hatred. | ||
| No whatever. | ||
| But they just can't be in a room. | ||
| They're manhood. | ||
| Cannot be in a room with a gay guy. | ||
| You know, and I get it. | ||
| Some Latin American countries, it's just, but who are the biggest gay guys in the world? | ||
| Fucking Latins. | ||
| They're the best ones. | ||
| So what do you think that is? | ||
| Do you think it's like the shame? | ||
| It's a machismo thing. | ||
| What is it like in Sicily, on that island? | ||
| What would it be like in 1950 to be gay in Sicily? | ||
| They bang each other a lot? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I don't fucking think so. | ||
| Well, that's where the Catholics are. | ||
| But I think that you'd be, I think that you would be fucking totally against it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I think Northern Italy, those hard-headed motherfuckers, you can't tell those motherfuckers you're a finok, or whatever the fuck they call them. | ||
| Right, but that's also where the Vatican is. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, how ironic is that? | ||
| That doesn't make any sense, because that is the biggest gay sex organization in the world. | ||
| But they don't want to know that. | ||
| If not gay sex, pedophilia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Okay, the biggest pedophilia. | ||
| Nobody wants to know that. | ||
| Do the priests fuck each other or are they only fuck kids? | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| You gotta bring me down with that talk now and shit, but, you know. | ||
| Listen, I'm just curious. | ||
| I didn't, you know, I just know how it was when I was growing up. | ||
| Did you know the Vatican owned a gay bathhouse? | ||
| No. | ||
| The building the Vatican owned was home to the biggest gay bathhouse in Italy. | ||
| That's craziness. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We should go. | |
| Go and bring some synthetic heroin. | ||
| Yeah, I'll pull up the story because it's fucking ridiculous. | ||
| Jamie, pull that shit up. | ||
| Put it up on the big screen. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| I mean, they're so blatant. | ||
| They've been doing this for so long. | ||
| You know, like this gigantic, crazy cult that's running the Catholic Empire. | ||
| They've been in charge for so long, wearing wizard costumes and sitting on thrones. | ||
| And people, so many people have bought into it that it's... | ||
| Look at this, the Vatican pays landlord to Europe's biggest gay bathhouse. | ||
| And by the way, I say this, I went to Catholic school. | ||
| I'm allowed to say this shit. | ||
| Pays landlord to... | ||
| They play landlord to Europe's biggest gay bathhouse. | ||
| The church paid $30 million to acquire a building that houses a senior cardinal and a huge gay sauna. | ||
| Wait a fucking minute. | ||
| A senior cardinal and a huge gay sauna. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's his own private gay bathhouse. | ||
| The guy owns a bathhouse. | ||
| They paid $30 million. | ||
| First of all, how crazy is it that the Vatican has $30 million to buy houses with? | ||
| They have so much money. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| The 75-year-old prince of the church enjoys a 12-room apartment on the first floor of the imposing palazzo at 2 Via Carducci, just yards from the ground floor entrance to the steamy flesh pot. | ||
| He's above it, smelling it! | ||
| There are 18 other Vatican apartments in the block, many of which house priests. | ||
| Cardinal Diaz, who is seen as a social conservative even by current standards of the church hierarchy, is no doubt horrified to learn of the activities taking place a floor below. | ||
| My goodness, I could not imagine. | ||
| This apartment mildly smells like buttholes. | ||
| Mildly. | ||
| It's probably a tornado. | ||
| You know what it's probably like, man? | ||
| One of those fucking trees that you hang over your rear view? | ||
| That's like his house butt in his house. | ||
| A weekly bear night featuring Bruno, a hairy, overweight pastor of souls who dresses in Catholic vestments naturally, is free to the music of his clergyman, remaining in a thong. | ||
| Because I gotta do that. | ||
| I'm gonna be the new Bruno. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| I'm going to slay some dick with a fucking priest. | ||
| Because he wants to expose body and soul, according to The Independent. | ||
| Bear Knight also features a buffet because exposing one's body and soul works up an appetite. | ||
| This is a hilarious article. | ||
| This is in Salon, this article. | ||
| Who wrote this article? | ||
| It's very funny. | ||
| You know, Joe Rogan, you read this. | ||
| Katie McDonough. | ||
| You read this after you go to Catholic school when you're raised Catholic. | ||
| It's fucking mind-boggling. | ||
| It's fucking mind-boggling. | ||
| Like, it's just like firecrackers went off in your head. | ||
| For some people, it's like how they found out when Cosby was doping bitches. | ||
| It was mind-boggling for me. | ||
| They grew up on Cosby. | ||
| Look at this fucking Jared guy. | ||
| Look at this fucking Jared guy. | ||
| Look at the fucking kids' porno pictures. | ||
| The FBI. You know, I hope this isn't true. | ||
| But they arrested one guy that was, like, in the organization, right? | ||
| Did they just investigate Jared, or did they have a suspicion? | ||
| It's like business partners. | ||
| And now his house is being investigated and they just announced that he's separated his business ties with Subway right now. | ||
| He's got one of those little... | ||
| Whoa, wait. | ||
| I didn't hear about this. | ||
| What happened to the Subway guy? | ||
| Child porn investigation. | ||
| I knew it. | ||
| Yeah, man, what the hell? | ||
| Losing weight on... | ||
| These people all got a creepy fucking freak and it comes out eventually, man. | ||
| Just let it out before the fucking gets out. | ||
| Just let it out. | ||
| I love little boys in fucking bikinis. | ||
| You know, eating a Subway sandwich. | ||
| Oh my God, I sit there. | ||
| So do you think that, like, maybe he sent shit to Jared and Jared kept his mouth shut? | ||
| Or do you think Jared was sending shit back? | ||
| What are we, TMZ? What are we doing here? | ||
| What the fuck happened to this show? | ||
| How embarrassing is that? | ||
| It's not just embarrassing. | ||
| It makes me furious. | ||
| That if you didn't have a life, if you didn't have a life, you want to yell. | ||
| You know, when I first started hearing this shit about the Catholic Church, I ignored it. | ||
| I was like, this is crazy. | ||
| I mean, I was a fucking... | ||
| I was one of those kids. | ||
| One of those kids that fucking helped a priest, you know, for about six months. | ||
| I did that shit until I got thrown out of there, you know. | ||
| I believed, you know. | ||
| I gotta tell you, man, like when I get, I get dark thoughts sometimes. | ||
| I'm about to go to sleep, I just get dark fucking thoughts. | ||
| And just, you know, just from being around Buddhists in Boulder, I learned that they chant a lot. | ||
| And in other words, a chant is not any different than a prayer. | ||
| You know, so sometimes when I got a bad thought, I'll say a fucking Lord's Prayer. | ||
| Man, I'm old school, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| So when I hear this shit, it just does something to you. | ||
| It's just like, but it's for some people, it's like getting punched in the stomach. | ||
| You trusted somebody. | ||
| It's like having a babysitter and molest your kid. | ||
| You're numb for a week, man. | ||
| You're really, you can't, but this is our whole fucking society. | ||
| Every three days, we get dropped with something that we go, what the fuck? | ||
| How did this happen? | ||
| How did this fucking happen? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When things like this happen, you always gotta wonder, like, what sets something like that off in someone's brain? | ||
| Are they born with that? | ||
| Does it happen because someone does it to them? | ||
| Is it a chemical imbalance? | ||
| Like, what the fuck is it that makes someone sexually attracted to kids? | ||
| What a bizarre thing to exist in nature. | ||
| I mean, it's almost like a suicide gene. | ||
| It's almost like, in having that, your body is so weak, your mind is so weak, everything is so off-kilter, you're trying to get yourself killed. | ||
| And there's no better way to get yourself killed than fucking someone's kids. | ||
| Like, do you know any people, like, you remember that video where the guy's walking through the airport, and he had molested, he was a karate instructor, and he had molested some kids, and this guy's, one of the kid's dads waited for him in the airport, and as he walked by with the cops, walks up to his head, boom! | ||
| Blows his brains out, just drops the gun on the ground. | ||
| That guy got off, by the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he? | |
| Yeah, he got off. | ||
| You gotta get off. | ||
| That's a great defense. | ||
| You lost your mind. | ||
| They abused your child. | ||
| Yeah, he got off. | ||
| Yeah, he didn't do any time. | ||
| He shot that guy right in the fucking head in front of cops and then dropped the gun. | ||
| What state was that? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I want to say it was in New York. | ||
| I want to say it was in New York. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| It might not have been, though. | ||
| It might have been somewhere else. | ||
| There's some things that if you get there before the cops, you win. | ||
| That's your beer. | ||
| If you get there before the cops, you fucking win, man. | ||
| This guy shot them in front of the cops. | ||
| Yeah, and I lost my mind. | ||
| Temporarily insane. | ||
| Temporarily insanity. | ||
| And the cops are like fucking handcuffing him going, that a boy. | ||
| Yeah, this is it right here. | ||
| Father shoots son... | ||
| Father shoots and kills son's kidnapper in airport for revenge. | ||
| So... | ||
| Wait, they're gonna show him shoot? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is it gross? | ||
| Oh. | ||
| No. | ||
| He was just... | ||
| He just couldn't take it, man. | ||
| He got this guy away. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| And then he puts the gun away. | ||
| And then he had a crazy hat on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The cops hold him down. | |
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| That was his son, man. | ||
| That's so good. | ||
| I mean, it is, right? | ||
| It's fucked up, but it is. | ||
| I mean, I'm not usually for this kind of shit, but boom. | ||
| I mean, that is about as... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean... | |
| As far as, like, what's fair? | ||
| I'm for it. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not against that. | ||
| You know you've been my friend for a long time. | ||
| I have a horrible, horrible revenge gene. | ||
| It's in my blood. | ||
| No, you do. | ||
| When they went down to Cuba, and they tell the fucking Maya Lansky that, they tell the Jew that fucking they saw rebels, what does he say? | ||
| He goes, these motherfuckers have been savages all their lives. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They've been savages. | ||
| They've always been savages. | ||
| Dog, I have a revenge gene in me, and it's horrible. | ||
| And no cop would stop me. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| I would hit somebody with a car and go to the same jail. | ||
| I'm one of those motherfuckers. | ||
| Like, once I have it in my mind, you're done. | ||
| It's in my blood. | ||
| That's my whole life in movies. | ||
| Outlaw Josie Wales, Death Wish, Man on Fire. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| And Man on Fire, I'll tell you how bad he is, which I missed that scene until a month ago. | ||
| He talks that dude into shooting himself. | ||
| There's only two motherfuckers in the movies that have done that. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| And my boy in Silence of the Lambs. | ||
| He talked a motherfucker into hanging himself from the other cell. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Migs! | ||
| Migs! | ||
| He talked Migs into fucking swallowing his own fucking tongue. | ||
| Migs was the guy who used to throw jizz on people's faces. | ||
| My friend John Tobin used to call me Migs. | ||
| He was like his nickname for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because he's being silly. | ||
| Mix. | ||
| High Plains Drifter was... | ||
| When he painted the town red. | ||
| That was the one where they killed him and he came back. | ||
| And he came back and he put the shield on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a crazy movie, man. | ||
| And they kept shooting the body and he kept going down. | ||
| They thought he was a ghost. | ||
| Well, he was a ghost. | ||
| They beat a guy to death with a whip. | ||
| And then he came back as Clint Eastwood. | ||
| He came back a ghost. | ||
| And fucked that town up. | ||
| It was a great movie. | ||
| That was a great movie at the time. | ||
| I remember seeing... | ||
| The first time I saw High Plains Drifter, I was like, holy shit. | ||
| You thought your head was going to blow. | ||
| Dog, you had to throw... | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| When you see the machismo in Burt Reynolds, it's because that motherfucker just watched Bullet. | ||
| And he goes, wait a second. | ||
| I gotta outdo that motherfucker. | ||
| I gotta put on this corduroy suit. | ||
| And then Charles Bronson came along and he's gotta outdo everybody because he's ugly. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| He was the baddest motherfucker ever. | ||
| If I'm gonna watch a movie from that era, and if I come home, say if I go to a hotel room, hey, you're bored, you're like, what's on TV? And you turn it on and you get this, you get excited. | ||
| You go, oh, shit. | ||
| You know, you thought you were just going to be by yourself, watching some terrible movie, and it turns out High Plains Drifter is on HBO or something. | ||
| Like, fuck. | ||
| They don't even really show these on HBO, do they? | ||
| No, they can't. | ||
| They can't. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why can't they? | ||
| They have to show new shit all the time, right? | ||
| No, there's a channel about a month ago, they showed not High Plains Drifter, but the other one. | ||
| But you want it with no commercials, man. | ||
| Yeah, that's the way you want it. | ||
| You don't want these fucking things on regular TV. I can't watch these movies, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because it makes me fucking crazy. | ||
| These movies remind you why you're an American, bro. | ||
| These movies are like... | ||
| That's why they made them in Italy. | ||
| What were we talking about when we came in? | ||
| That it's time to strap a gun on. | ||
| We're living in some fucked up times. | ||
| You're anxious about this lately. | ||
| I got a wife and a kid that I worry about, and I don't know what I'd do. | ||
| I'd shoot the whole... | ||
| I'd be John Wick. | ||
| I told you, I gotta get one of those John Wick guns. | ||
| I'll tell you, that John Wick, the first 20 minutes, until he hooks up with the chick, once he hooks up with the chick, it bothers me for a while. | ||
| But then you click it on with 45 minutes left, that is one of the best kick-ass scenes since Bruce Lee and Enter the Dragon. | ||
| You better check your watches. | ||
| That's 30 fucking years. | ||
| He cleans out. | ||
| He's using bullets as strikes, and he's shooting them up close and blowing their fucking heads off. | ||
| It's a badass movie. | ||
| And when you see that movie, you know, he trained with Hegan a lot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Hegan fucking fucked him up. | ||
| I'm anxious to go see him tomorrow. | ||
| To go see Hegan? | ||
| Yeah, like on the way home I'll call. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My brother, you gonna teach tomorrow? | ||
| I'll be there 11 o'clock. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's all we say to each other. | ||
| I see you at 11 o'clock. | ||
| And now he comes with an Indian dude. | ||
| That heals your body. | ||
| Guy lays you down all by energy. | ||
| Guy looks at you and goes, your shoulder bother? | ||
| And you're like, God damn, how do you know? | ||
| Every week it's like a game of chess with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He lays you down. | ||
| He does his Cherokee shit. | ||
| Oh, that kind of Indian. | ||
| Yeah, he bends you over. | ||
| He picks up the arm. | ||
| He does the Cherokee thing on your spine. | ||
| He releases the eagle. | ||
| Googly moogly! | ||
| You gotta see me doing 90 up Laurel Canyon after the eagle is loose. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| He shows up an Indian. | ||
| He fucking works on my body. | ||
| Do you use feathers right now? | ||
| It's turquoise in your ass? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| The guy's an old rodeo clown, dog. | ||
| He broke every bone in his body. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| So this guy adjusted everything. | ||
| And he was like, dog, last week some dude went in there with a fucked up hip. | ||
| The guy was there this weekend throwing fucking sidekicks. | ||
| A rodeo clown. | ||
| Jesus Christ, is that like the most thankless job? | ||
| It might be one of the most thankless jobs ever. | ||
| There's not one, Lance Armstrong or the Rodeo Clowns. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There's like Ken Block, who's like a famous driver, right? | ||
| There's like skateboarders, Tony Hawk. | ||
| You know, there's one guy in each discipline. | ||
| Tiger Woods, you know what I mean? | ||
| Everybody knows Tiger Woods is a golfer. | ||
| Who's the one Rodeo Clown? | ||
| Name one. | ||
| They get no respect. | ||
| There's probably one person that we just don't know. | ||
| It's like a Mexican superhero or something like that. | ||
| They don't really use rodeo clowns. | ||
| They have, I mean, in bullfighting, I mean, like bull riding, I'm pretty sure is an American tradition. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| I think so. | ||
| I think in Mexico, obviously, they have a lot of bullfighting, and in Spain, Spain, they have a lot of bullfighting. | ||
| I guess that's where they got it from, right? | ||
| They imported it from Spain. | ||
| I'm hoping. | ||
| Because that's what Mexico is. | ||
| It's like the indigenous Americans that came over, when the Spanish came over, they taught them Spanish and started fucking them. | ||
| And that's what made Mexican. | ||
| That's why you get Mexicans like Oscar de la Hoya. | ||
| You know, who's like this beautiful looking, you know, European looking man, like kind of fairly pale skin. | ||
| And then you get a Mexican like, you know, Juan Manuel Marquez, who's like much more Mexican looking. | ||
| Inca-ish. | ||
| Inca, yeah. | ||
| Inca-ish. | ||
| The darker skin and like the, you know, darker hair. | ||
| It's interesting, man. | ||
| The whole North American continent is fucking fascinating. | ||
| It's fascinating to think that if you came to this spot 400 years ago, there'd be very few people here. | ||
| Very, very, very few. | ||
| A few nomadic tribes of Native Americans, no cities, no nothing. | ||
| Oh, you think how interesting is this? | ||
| There was a Diaz on the boat with Columbus and a Valdez. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that's a Diaz on the boat with Columbus. | ||
| That's where all the Diaz's come from? | ||
| I didn't say that. | ||
| I didn't say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that your dad? | |
| And they spell it with a Z. And then one of the biggest lieutenants in Sicilian history is a Diaz with a C. And then we just saw that priest with an S. A Diaz with a C? A Z. And then you have... | ||
| The fucking lunatics up in Stockton, and they're Mexican. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I'm sitting here in front of you, and I'm Cuban as can be. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That makes you think. | ||
| Like, Diaz there, Diaz there, and Diaz as a lieutenant, and Diaz was on the ship as an Italian. | ||
| Italian Diaz. | ||
| Italian Diaz and Italian Valdez with a Z. My mother's side of the family is Valdez, and they're darker than that. | ||
| And my father's side is Diaz, and they're from Kamaway, and they came from Spain. | ||
| They speak with that thing. | ||
| They speak like Jagloars, like those people. | ||
| So you have to think, how did Diaz get to Mexico? | ||
| How did this Diaz get here and how did Diaz with a Z, Diaz with an S? These are all very interesting things that I look at. | ||
| You look at evolution. | ||
| We were talking about how they found that fucking tooth of the whale in Wyoming. | ||
| Remember years ago, we had that discussion on the podcast. | ||
| You know, this is things that have always baffled me. | ||
| Like, how come there's Nate Diaz and his brother? | ||
| They're Mexicans as it could be. | ||
| Not Inca Mexicans, though. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They're the other Mexicans. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They came from somewhere else and evolved, whatever. | ||
| So, it's very interesting. | ||
| You know what's interesting to me? | ||
| One of the things that's been getting me lately is this water situation in California. | ||
| It's pretty bad. | ||
| It's three years going on four years now, and the drought is pretty ferocious. | ||
| They're saying that California used 29% less water last month, so people are working to try to solve it, but what was occurring to me when I was thinking about this is we know for a fact that there's areas of the world that used to be lush And then they became desert. | ||
| We know for a fact about the Nile Valley, like in Egypt, where the pyramids used to be, where the pyramids are, rather. | ||
| Before that, like 9,000 years ago, they know there was a rainforest there. | ||
| And slowly over time, shit just changed, and then there's not that much rainfall. | ||
| And that could easily happen in California. | ||
| But would we stay? | ||
| Would everybody stay here? | ||
| Would they just keep pumping water artificially into the spot? | ||
| Or would people go, you know what? | ||
| This ain't working. | ||
| This ain't working. | ||
| We gotta move on. | ||
| Like, we've always had to. | ||
| All throughout human history. | ||
| Whenever the climate got bad, people had to get the fuck out of there. | ||
| When the Ice Age was happening here, no one was living in Canada. | ||
| No one was living in Canada during the Ice Age, because it was two miles thick of ice in a lot of spots. | ||
| You wouldn't, you weren't, you aren't living on ice, right? | ||
| You would find a way to get to a place where it's not ice. | ||
| You know, but all the places that were covered in ice were, it was a massive amount of Canada. | ||
| So, when all that ice receded, that's where we got the Great Lakes from. | ||
| The Great Lakes are fucking puddles that are melted glaciers. | ||
| I mean, that's how fucking crazy this place was just 10,000 years ago. | ||
| If we had a house and it was there, you can't be stubborn when the ice starts coming. | ||
| You can't say, we're just going to keep chipping away at that ice every year. | ||
| At a certain point in time, you've got to realize, okay, if there's two miles... | ||
| Of ice and it's as big as fucking Canada or half of Canada or even a few states. | ||
| Where those few states are, you can't live. | ||
| You gotta get out of there. | ||
| You gotta get out of there. | ||
| And if that happens here, we're so arrogant. | ||
| Our idea that we can control nature is so arrogant. | ||
| No one considers leaving California. | ||
| Like, everybody talks about, like, well, California's California. | ||
| We gotta do something about the California water crisis. | ||
| What if it never rains again? | ||
| Because guess what? | ||
| That could happen. | ||
| If it doesn't rain but once or twice a year, or ten times a year, or twenty times a year, there have been way crazier things than a shift in our climate to the point where it rains zero. | ||
| That's totally possible. | ||
| It's totally possible. | ||
| If it's possible to rain one day a year, it's possible to rain zero. | ||
| If it's possible to rain ten, it's possible to rain one. | ||
| It could be horrific. | ||
| Disastrous. | ||
| It's totally possible. | ||
| And it would be normal. | ||
| It would be something that's happened all throughout the world. | ||
| They know that, like, a lot of deserts used to be, like, lush areas. | ||
| And then somehow or another, like, for whatever reason, Things changed. | ||
| Things shifted. | ||
| You know, and you can blame people all you want. | ||
| I'm sure we have a lot to do with it. | ||
| I'm sure global warming that there's without a doubt as some element of human civilization is a part of it. | ||
| There's too many scientists that believe it does. | ||
| There's got to be some factor. | ||
| But even without that factor, It's super possible that shit would change on its own. | ||
| It shifts. | ||
| We don't control when it rains. | ||
| It can fucking shift. | ||
| It easily can shift. | ||
| And if you're in a spot that sucks, you gotta make a decision. | ||
| You gotta figure out what the fuck you're gonna do. | ||
| It rains more in Phoenix than it rains here. | ||
| It rains in Phoenix a lot, actually. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| In Ohio and in Houston, look at Galveston, it's raining so much that there's shit water everywhere and people are losing their sight because it's overfilled all the sewage and stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| They're losing their sight? | ||
| Yeah, this girl lost her sight just from being in the water because they tested the water. | ||
| It's all shit water. | ||
| It's in Galveston and Houston. | ||
| They've had such bad flooding in the past month. | ||
| It's been horrible. | ||
| Horrible. | ||
| I saw some of the photos. | ||
| I remember that back when we worked at The Laugh. | ||
| When I was there, they were thinking about that Sunday, floods. | ||
| That was two months ago. | ||
| No, no, no, the Laugh Stop in Houston, way back in the day. | ||
| Yeah, Westheimer. | ||
| Do you remember when they had to close that hotel we used to stay at? | ||
| Fuck yeah, they flooded that day. | ||
| It was flooded up to the third floor. | ||
| That was the time I was there. | ||
| I'm sorry, the comedy club was on West Gray. | ||
| I saw a refrigerator going down West. | ||
| It's time. | ||
| Fecal Matter Water Advisories. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Hold on, let me read that whole thing. | ||
| Fecal matter water advisories issued for some Galveston County beaches. | ||
| Fucking A, man. | ||
| Shit in the water. | ||
| Did a girl really go blind, though? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| The fucking subway already cut ties with Jared. | ||
| Nothing came up. | ||
| At least the UFC waited three days and shit with Jon Jones. | ||
| They went down there. | ||
| These motherfuckers... | ||
| They think Dana's tough. | ||
| Fucking Subway don't play. | ||
| They don't even give a fuck whether he's guilty or not. | ||
| Even if Jared didn't do anything but knew about it, if he knew the dude had child porn, he's still responsible. | ||
| What are you holding up? | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| This is the article. | ||
| A woman loses sight in one eye after a mud run. | ||
| A young woman went blind in one eye within 24 hours after catching a flesh-eating bacteria during a mud run in Dallas this month because of all the flooding. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Flesh-eating bacteria in your eye. | ||
| It says, a woman said the debris cut her eye, allowing flesh-eating bacteria to destroy her cornea. | ||
| It just completely melted off my eye. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| That's fucked up. | ||
| Do we just shit into the ocean? | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| More than a thousand runners get diarrhea after mud day event. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Well, you're definitely getting some bacteria if you get a mouthful of mud. | ||
| That's 100%. | ||
| You're not supposed to do that, by the way. | ||
| You're not supposed to drink still water. | ||
| You know, you're lucky if that's all you get. | ||
| You know, you can get something way worse than that. | ||
| That's gentile shit jumping in a fucking puddle of mud. | ||
| Stay home. | ||
| Fuck your wife in the ass. | ||
| You're gonna jump in fucking mud like a jerk off. | ||
| At least the polar bears jump in the ocean. | ||
| They jump into fucking cold water. | ||
| Ain't nothing bad gonna happen to you. | ||
| You wanna jump in mud after you've fucking been running, snowing, whatever the fuck it's been for a month. | ||
| God knows it's in that fucking mud. | ||
| I used to think those polar bear people were idiots. | ||
| Those people that would jump into the water. | ||
| Until you went into that freezer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then you said, God, they're onto something, isn't it? | ||
| Oh, they're onto something. | ||
| When you jump in the ocean, man, and it's cold, it does something to you. | ||
| Especially when it hits, like, your bones for a minute. | ||
| When you come out of there, you feel like a fucking new man. | ||
| I've jumped into the fucking Atlantic. | ||
| Is that where we're at? | ||
| Which one's colder? | ||
| Here. | ||
| Here's colder. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| When I used to jump into a water in Oregon and Seattle, that's fucking. | ||
| In penguin weather. | ||
| That's freezing. | ||
| That's when you feel the bones in your feet and shit. | ||
| But it's probably really good for you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's good for you. | |
| Yep, it is good for you. | ||
| Because this cryotherapy shit, this stuff is changing my fucking body. | ||
| It's changing the way my body feels. | ||
| It's amazing how well it cures any weird shit that's bugging you. | ||
| Inflammation, back pains. | ||
| Back pains have been fucking with me forever. | ||
| They're just dissolving. | ||
| You just do it all the time. | ||
| Your body produces all these anti-inflammation responses to the cold weather. | ||
| So that's probably what they were doing when they were jumping in the ocean. | ||
| You get out of it and your body's like, woo! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just get this fucking charger. | |
| Your dick shrinks and it gets hard real fast and shit. | ||
| The shrink that pops out of that motherfucker like yum yum juice is being served and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll never forget you saying, any of your ex-girlfriends killed themselves? | |
| No. | ||
| They should've. | ||
| Oh, if you suck my dick in the 80s, you should have killed yourself. | ||
| There's a girl on Facebook that I saw one night. | ||
| The last time I saw this chick was the night Flutie. | ||
| Tug Flutie? | ||
| Threw that touchdown. | ||
| This is winter of 83, 84 maybe. | ||
| And I saw at a bar, dog, and they called Laurie the Jack. | ||
| Remember that song, The Jack? | ||
| No. | ||
| The Jack by ACDC. She's got the jack. | ||
| She's got the jack. | ||
| She has something like a disease. | ||
| This chick didn't have the jack. | ||
| She just didn't have the wet pussy. | ||
| It wasn't wet? | ||
| No, they called it Fairview, New Jersey, because it was a dry hump. | ||
| These motherfuckers are savages. | ||
| They will give you nicknames for everything in Jersey, you know. | ||
| And I saw her out, man, and I don't know what the fuck happened. | ||
| We started doing blow. | ||
| She was a babysitter for this family, Louie Donato. | ||
| The guy was a freak. | ||
| We went over to their house, and I saw a deposit bag from the bar, and I robbed it, and we got more blow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| We ended up in a hotel room doing powder, and she's like, guess what color my underwear? | ||
| I'll never forget that. | ||
| She's like, if you guess the color of my underwear, I'll take them off. | ||
| I'm like, red. | ||
| She's like, they're green, but fuck it, take them off. | ||
| LAUGHTER And I saw her on Facebook and I'm like, do you remember what happened that night? | ||
| She's like, no. | ||
| I go, you don't want to fucking know. | ||
| You wouldn't be here right now. | ||
| You'd be fucking killing yourself. | ||
| Disgusting. | ||
| All that shit's disgusting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Disgusting. | |
| You know, with all this transgender talk, I was telling these motherfuckers on stage the night that that chick showed us a pussy in Las Vegas that was a transgender. | ||
| Do you remember what you called it? | ||
| What did I call it? | ||
| Said it looked like a bat with his mouth open. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| It did. | ||
| I never forgot that explanation. | ||
| The skin was tight and it looked like somebody put a boar in it where the dick hole was and cleaned it out. | ||
| Do you remember when Doug and I were doing the man show and we had that really beautiful... | ||
| We had two of them that were really beautiful that were transgender. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| The one of them that was pre-op, and she showed his dick, or her dick, rather, to the audience. | ||
| She showed his dick. | ||
| That's what I just said. | ||
| But it's hard to say her dick. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I was treating her correctly by calling her a she, then I got to the dick. | ||
| I'm like, she showed his dick. | ||
| But, um, she was beautiful. | ||
| So beautiful that she was walking up the hill, or driving up the hill, you know, by, uh, it used to be the Hyatt next to the Comedy Store. | ||
| She was driving up that hill, and Eddie Bravo and I were coming down the hill, we were walking, and she was coming up, and Eddie looked at her and he goes, God damn! | ||
| And I go, oh, that's my friend. | ||
| I go, she used to be a dude. | ||
| And he goes, you know her? | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| Are you fucking with me? | ||
| You're fucking with me. | ||
| I go, no, no. | ||
| She's definitely used to be a dude. | ||
| And then, you know, she said, hi. | ||
| And I said, oh, what's up? | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| Everything good? | ||
| Blah, blah, blah. | ||
| We talked. | ||
| And then we went down there. | ||
| Eddie goes, oh, my God. | ||
| I can't believe that used to be a guy. | ||
| I can't believe it. | ||
| He goes, now I'm so confused. | ||
| Now I don't know. | ||
| I thought I would be able to tell. | ||
| I thought I'd totally be able to spot one. | ||
| I'm like, you can't spot her. | ||
| And she has a dick. | ||
| She's as girly as it gets. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| We should pitch that show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Get a transgender set like normal guys up with them on a date and see if they guess it. | ||
| See what their reaction is the next day? | ||
| Guys would get violent. | ||
| That's how Jenny Jones got canceled from TV, don't you remember? | ||
| By how? | ||
| Jenny Jones had an episode where it was like, my secret crush. | ||
| And the guy had a secret crush on this dude that he worked with. | ||
| And the dude that he worked with had no idea what the fuck was going on. | ||
| He was on the show. | ||
| And we're here to tell you that someone has a secret crush on you. | ||
| And the guy gets out. | ||
| It's me. | ||
| I was like, you know, he got out there and he was like really flamboyant. | ||
| And the guy got angry, went over to his house and shot him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuckin' killed him. | ||
| And then they just went, POINK! They pulled the plug on our show. | ||
| Nah, but we won't do it like that. | ||
| That show doesn't exist anymore. | ||
| We'll give them a chick that's already had the operation. | ||
| It doesn't matter, man. | ||
| And after they fuckin' suck, then you break it to them like with a guard there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
With a guard there? | |
| When a guy comes out with a gun. | ||
| No, they did it after the show was over. | ||
| The guy went to his house and killed them. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He killed them a couple days later. | ||
| But that's fine, listen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But that's fine. | |
| I fucking fucked a dude. | ||
| And somebody tells you you ain't leavin' the house for a week. | ||
| Dog, this is what you do. | ||
| You film all. | ||
| All the episodes in two days. | ||
| So if they die, they die. | ||
| Fuck you, you already made your vig. | ||
| You got a fucking hundred episodes in the can. | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| He's probably gonna kill people anyway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| No, after they fucked you, you sit them down and go, how was your date? | ||
| It was great. | ||
| I've never been with a woman so magical. | ||
| What did we tell you if Diane was really dick the jick? | ||
| And he used to sling dick back in the 80s on the Sunset Strip, and the guy just freezed. | ||
| I mean, what could you do? | ||
| He's going to kill somebody. | ||
| You're going to get the wrong guy. | ||
| What would you do? | ||
| If it happened to you, what would you do? | ||
| Depends how good the pussy was. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| If the pussy was good, fuck it. | ||
| Then he was really a woman all along. | ||
| He was meant to give out that monkey. | ||
| Here's the total rub, okay? | ||
| This is the 100%. | ||
| Dudes are willing to accept artificially enhanced breasts, right? | ||
| No problem. | ||
| I mean, some guys don't prefer them, but they're willing to accept artificially enhanced breasts. | ||
| So breasts that change your body and they turn your body into something that's more womanly or more, for whatever reason, it activates that part of your lizard brain that sees the big fleshy tits and thinks that this girl will be able to take care of my babies well. | ||
| She's very fertile. | ||
| These are good genes. | ||
| That's the same gene that gives you the big ass, like the big ass and the big tits, like that sparks. | ||
| There's like a flame. | ||
| It's not just a matter of someone giving you affection. | ||
| It's a matter of someone giving you affection in a very specific shape that rings in your brain. | ||
| Well, they can do that, and do that absolutely perfectly, and they will be able to eventually, if they can already right now, and turn a guy into the exact shape of a woman that's hot as fuck. | ||
| At the end of the day, you can search around for some fucking hidden crackerjack toy. | ||
| You can lift her up and look around and try to figure out, okay... | ||
| I don't, I guess, is this a woman? | ||
| I guess it looks exactly like a woman. | ||
| It feels like a woman. | ||
| It talks like a woman. | ||
| Goddammit, is it a woman? | ||
| And you'll eventually decide that it's a woman. | ||
| Because your brain processes that as female. | ||
| Your brain processes the words as female, the shape as female, and if someone could figure out how to do it just perfectly, just perfectly, like genetically, they figured out how to go in there and fucking tweak this shit. | ||
| They're close to doing crazy shit like that. | ||
| You saw that thing that Rhonda Patrick tweeted? | ||
| That I retweeted? | ||
| About the pigs? | ||
| Look what they're doing to pigs, man. | ||
| They figured out a way to delete a gene in pigs, and they come out like Incredible Hulk pigs. | ||
| She put up a photo of it today. | ||
| They're doing all kinds of weird shit with genetics, and they're already doing this on people, she says, in China. | ||
| She's coming on the podcast soon to talk to me about it. | ||
| I can't wait to talk about it, but look at these fucking pigs, man. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| They're Hulk pigs. | ||
| Look at the ass on that pig. | ||
| It's like a bull. | ||
| It's hot. | ||
| If you were in a pig butt, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| This is a new thing they're doing to the bodies of these animals. | ||
| They're going to be able to do that to people too, man. | ||
| And they're going to be able to turn a man into a woman. | ||
| Like, perfectly. | ||
| They'll be able to literally get in there and dig around. | ||
| Switch this, turn that off, and turn this on, and you're a woman. | ||
| I mean, it's going to happen. | ||
| It's just a matter of time. | ||
| I mean, I don't know if they're ever going to be able to turn a dick into a vagina without surgery, but I can't imagine one day they will. | ||
| One day they'll just be able to, you could go back and forth. | ||
| There's an app for it. | ||
| One day it's the government will have a switch and we'll just decided to today we're gonna be a girl day Today everyone is gonna learn to be more sensitive to women because we're all gonna be women and just hit a switch The entire city is a woman and then that's when the Mongols invade come over the hill and they fuck everyone including all the alpha males They just get fucked like chicks and here's a secret. | ||
| They like it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They like it cuz they're chicks now Joe, do you have a tight pussy today? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Today I do. | ||
| He's got a replenishment. | ||
| I got a new shot at the doctor. | ||
| I went to the dentist. | ||
| He cleaned my teeth and made my pussy tighter. | ||
| He hooked me up. | ||
| You've got to be able to do that at home with your own printer. | ||
| You're going to be able to figure out a printed artificial vagina that's just way tighter. | ||
| You're going to hit the right keys. | ||
| Apple, one click. | ||
| You know, and your vagina just going... | ||
| You're going to have chips in your body that tell your body what to do. | ||
| That's 100%. | ||
| There's going to be artificial blood. | ||
| That's 100%. | ||
| Nanobots, those little... | ||
| They're devising these tiny little itsy-bitsy blood cell-sized machines. | ||
| This is what they're going to eventually have someday. | ||
| That'll fight cancer. | ||
| So if you have like a cancerous growth in your body, they'll be able to send these machines through your bloodstream to attack these sick areas of your body. | ||
| I mean, we're gonna see some fucking nutty shit in our day, and a man turning into a woman is like the least of the nutty shit. | ||
| If we could stay alive, we could all in this room stay alive to 100, we're gonna see some shit. | ||
| But he hasn't cut this dick off yet, Caitlin. | ||
| Which word? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You say that like someone was questioning it. | |
| You were in the middle of a conversation in your own head, and you introduced it to us. | ||
| But he hasn't cut his dick off yet. | ||
| Nobody brought him up. | ||
| Everybody's all excited, but he hasn't cut his dick off yet. | ||
| So why is everybody jumping up and down for? | ||
| Well, because he is allowed to keep his penis and still be a woman, Joey Deez. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. | |
| Don't work that way. | ||
| Either you're in or you're out. | ||
| Yeah, it don't work that way. | ||
| When he cuts his dick off, then come see me. | ||
| He's taking pictures. | ||
| Everybody's jumping up and down. | ||
| He still hasn't gone to the farm. | ||
| Once you go to the farm and cut that motherfucker off, then you come see Uncle Joey. | ||
| That's a true story. | ||
| Until then, once you go to the farm, then come back and see him. | ||
| He hasn't gone yet. | ||
| This is a trick by the wife. | ||
| This is a trick. | ||
| This is a fucking trick. | ||
| Ratings. | ||
| Something's going on. | ||
| It's not a trick. | ||
| He got his face fixed. | ||
| Did you see the facial surgery? | ||
| So did Mickey Rourke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So did Mickey Rourke. | |
| So did fucking Stallone. | ||
| Everybody got their face fixed. | ||
| Not like this. | ||
| He went through feminization surgery where they shortened his jaw and changed his lips and the whole deal. | ||
| Have you seen the recent photos? | ||
| Pull up the recent photos from Vanity Fair. | ||
| Mike across the street. | ||
| Big Mike. | ||
| He put a pussy in there, and he hasn't changed his jaw. | ||
| He's out there sucking dick two nights a week. | ||
| He put a pussy in there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he turned his dick into a pussy? | ||
| Has he showed it to you? | ||
| No. | ||
| Big Mike is under construction still. | ||
| I don't really think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Under construction? | |
| Yeah, he puts the wig on. | ||
| He's got a bald spot. | ||
| He's got to put a wig over it. | ||
| But his room rate, Leslie, did everything. | ||
| She got the cheeks, the face. | ||
| So she was a man? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| See, this is... | ||
| Look at these photos. | ||
| Like, look at these photos, like, close-up ones of the face, like, right there. | ||
| Like, he had a shitload of things done. | ||
| Doesn't he seem like a high-maintenance guy? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He's crazy as fuck. | ||
| Well, here's the thing, man. | ||
| You know, when we were watching that interview, when he got interviewed by... | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Diane Sawyer? | ||
| Is that who it was that interviewed him? | ||
| He was loving all the attention. | ||
| He was loving it. | ||
| He was loving the opportunity to talk about himself and talk about having... | ||
| Hold up that. | ||
| Pull that image up. | ||
| Jesus Christmas. | ||
| I love how he's trying to hide those giant canoe feet. | ||
| Yeah, that's the problem. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here with those size 38 flippers. | ||
| He's almost got an upskirt thing going on. | ||
| Them fucking Munich feet. | ||
| That motherfucker jumped in Munich and shit. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| It's just, it's very strange, man. | ||
| I mean, that is a very feminine-looking man, or woman. | ||
| Joey, you want to hit that? | ||
| I mean, in transition, I should say. | ||
| You know, I mean, in transition, she's very feminine-looking. | ||
| Like, what they've done to her face, if she really looked like that... | ||
| See, this is the thing. | ||
| When you're looking at something like this, this has been through more fucking computers, I mean more screens and filters and we all know that. | ||
| We all know about the difference between what someone would look like in real life and someone would look like in like a super well done photograph like that. | ||
| It's a big difference. | ||
| But hey man, good for her! | ||
| If that's what she wants to do now, same thing we were talking about before about gay marriage, good for her! | ||
| If this is what she enjoys, I'm glad that she can be on the cover of a magazine and it could be a fun time for everybody, you know? | ||
| When we were kids, this could have never happened. | ||
| No. | ||
| Never? | ||
| Never. | ||
| It's weird though, right? | ||
| And it did happen when we were kids. | ||
| It happened because I watched the report and when it happened, it happened in another country. | ||
| Who? | ||
| We just didn't know about it. | ||
| It happened like in Germany or somewhere. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Somebody like in 1940 and some American did it. | ||
| We just, there was no internet. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So we weren't very hip to it. | ||
| You know, when I was in Seattle, a young comic, we had Rita. | ||
| Rita had done the operation. | ||
| Rita was a Japanese man. | ||
| That became a Japanese woman. | ||
| But she died because, first off, she had a lot of psychological problems that came after the surgery. | ||
| I loved Rita O. Rita O let me $4 for my first fucking headshot. | ||
| I never forgot that, man. | ||
| I paid her back and everything. | ||
| Rita died because her head was too fucking big from being a man. | ||
| What? | ||
| So her balance was off after the surgery. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Her balance is off. | ||
| I love those commas. | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| What about Brad Williams? | ||
| It's like if Brad becomes a woman, his head's going to be fucking ginormous and his balance is going to be off from time to time. | ||
| Something happened after they did the surgery to him, to her. | ||
| That her balance got taken off. | ||
| She died because she suffered a fall at a disco and banged her head. | ||
| Rita O was an open mic comic that used to run with us in Seattle. | ||
| And she'd come out, she had the nails. | ||
| I mean, nobody's gonna fuck Rita O. Trust me. | ||
| Nobody ever thought of fucking Rita O. Her hands were fucking horrid. | ||
| It looked like Herman Munster hands, she had the nails, and she would get nachos. | ||
| And then she'd go to get a drink, and we'd take her nachos, and she'd yell. | ||
| She had a very feminine voice, like, yes, darling. | ||
| But she'd look at us getting nachos, and she'd go, put them down! | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was fucking scary. | |
| And to make money, the government or the doctors gave her a certain amount of pills a month, and she became a pill addict. | ||
| Because the pain from the surgery plus all the psychological and everything like she, you know, she was raised in like the four, you know, when I met Rita in 95, Rita was 50 already, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| So I was 20-something, maybe 30. So she was telling me that when she was growing up, her mother and father would beat her when she would tell them that she was really a woman. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It was just too much abuse in her life. | ||
| And then once she finally became a woman, there was so much baggage. | ||
| I remember doing blow with her and talking to her at the comedy club. | ||
| And they were telling me, as creepy as it was, You know, she would have to go see a shrink three times a week still. | ||
| What was the big... | ||
| Did she talk about what the big issue was? | ||
| The transition? | ||
| Was it a transition? | ||
| Transition, you know, but she ate a lot of pills. | ||
| She did a lot of powder. | ||
| She had tons of money. | ||
| I don't know where she got the money from. | ||
| I know she sold drugs. | ||
| She even came down here to see me once when I was in L.A. at the Comedy Store, like in 99. And she died shortly after that. | ||
| She fell off the stage and went into a comb and died. | ||
| And we're joking around. | ||
| And it was true. | ||
| Her head was too big. | ||
| There's a lot of trouble. | ||
| Do you think it had to do with her pills? | ||
| The fact she's taking pills? | ||
| Isn't that more likely? | ||
| I've been in contact in my life with maybe two or three transgenders, man. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like on the streets when I was a kid in New York City or something. | ||
| And something was always missing. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Even after they did the surgery, something is always not right, Joe Rogan. | ||
| They just did something major, major. | ||
| It's a major step. | ||
| We're just throwing it around with these fucking idiots and they're gonna start throwing it around like a tattoo. | ||
| That's the part of it that I don't like. | ||
| That now every time somebody feels feminine, they're gonna want to have this fucking surgery. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Like, one day you feel confused or whatever. | ||
| You know, this is the part of it I don't like. | ||
| I get all this gender stuff, and I get it, man, that you're a woman, that you were born feeling this. | ||
| But in today's society, we got too many sheep. | ||
| We got too many weak souls out there, dog. | ||
| You know, they still argue about it. | ||
| You know, it's not good. | ||
| And those are the people I worry about. | ||
| Those people that, you know, you ever go somewhere and you hear people talking, you know who's there. | ||
| Just to try to be there. | ||
| I'll never forget this. | ||
| I went to a restaurant once in Santa Monica and there was a guy behind me while I was eating. | ||
| I said, nobody's this gay. | ||
| Nobody could be this gay. | ||
| This guy was not born like this. | ||
| This for this guy is something that he does to be accepted. | ||
| He doesn't even know what he's doing. | ||
| In six years he won't be gay no more. | ||
| In six years he'll have a wife and a kid living in Idaho and he'll be a farmer. | ||
| But he's just doing this to fit in. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I have a lot of that. | ||
| I feel a lot of that with people today in our society. | ||
| A lot. | ||
| I feel people are not completely in. | ||
| There's some people. | ||
| There's not people in. | ||
| They're not in. | ||
| And that's why I tell people, before you go in there, fucking think it over. | ||
| Whether it's hanging out with devil worshippers, or hanging out with drug dealers. | ||
| Whatever the fuck you want to do, because once you're in, you're in. | ||
| You're going to end up kidnapping somebody with a machine gun. | ||
| Don't tell me what the fuck I know. | ||
| I know when somebody's faking the funk. | ||
| There's people that... | ||
| When I was a kid, Jimmy Balzano, who was my brother, I knew he was gay. | ||
| I knew he was slinging dick, but it took no fucking genius to tell you that my brother, I grew up in his house with his other three brothers. | ||
| You couldn't tell he was gay. | ||
| If he came to me today and said, I'm a transgender, I would hug him and go, dog, since the eighth grade, I can tell you were a dick sucker. | ||
| I had no doubts in my heart that you weren't going to suck dick, even though you were fucking girls in the neighborhood because you were so good looking. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You grew up with people that you look at and go... | ||
| Sometimes you go to the store and you see people that you go... | ||
| It's like when you see Eddie Murphy in person. | ||
| You're like, this guy could be a fucking go-go dancer on the weekends. | ||
| When you see Eddie Murphy... | ||
| I always said Eddie Murphy should win an Academy Award. | ||
| Because when he's in the movie, he's a man of many men. | ||
| When you see Eddie Murphy in person, you're like... | ||
| The rumors could be true. | ||
| There's something about him. | ||
| And I ain't mad at Eddie. | ||
| I'm one of his biggest fans. | ||
| I'm just telling the truth that as a man, you're around other fucking men. | ||
| And you know who ain't right. | ||
| You know who you might be able to talk into sucking a dick at three in the morning. | ||
| We all have that person. | ||
| Now, we go home. | ||
| We love that person. | ||
| We accept that person. | ||
| But you know one night if you have a pill and a quaalude, you might be able to talk to this guy. | ||
| There's a creepy guy in Boogie Nights. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You knew there's people like that, that they walk around, you know they'll suck a dick if they had to, if they got into a tight spot one night. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| And that night in Hollywood, I really, and I felt bad about what I was thinking. | ||
| I felt this guy was just doing it so he could bowl with these guys on Tuesday nights. | ||
| You know, 20 years ago, what am I, the only retard in the room, Ann Heche? | ||
| Went lesbian, did she not? | ||
| Did she not? | ||
| She was dating fucking Ellen. | ||
| You're an Ellen fan. | ||
| Well, she wanted to become famous. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So she became a lesbian and she did Dr. Brasco. | ||
| And now, what has she got? | ||
| She's got kids. | ||
| Husband. | ||
| Kids dick. | ||
| I think people, a lot of people move to Hollywood or in society, and just to fit in, they'll do shit. | ||
| They'll do shit. | ||
| Then they realize, well, this is where I fucking got. | ||
| They do it, man. | ||
| We live in a sheep fucking society today. | ||
| We're all trying to be the same person. | ||
| If you look around, we're all looking the same. | ||
| When you go to Silver Lake and do Malo, and you get on stage, look at the people in it. | ||
| 80% of people look the same. | ||
| They all got the same fucking glasses, the same tight jeans, the same tattoo of the Chinese sign. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody wants to be the fucking same here. | |
| Everybody's thinking the same. | ||
| You know, you wake up in the morning, walk into a studio for an audition. | ||
| What does everybody have in front of them? | ||
| A cup of what? | ||
| Starbucks. | ||
| Starbucks. | ||
| And if you ain't got Starbucks, you ain't invited to the fucking party. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You see Starbucks raise their prices 20% again? | ||
| Did they really? | ||
| How much more are you going to pay for coffee? | ||
| They got you hooked. | ||
| They got you hooked. | ||
| They want that money. | ||
| And it's not coffee. | ||
| Everybody got coffee. | ||
| It's the status of going to Starbucks. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's status, oh my god. | ||
| How many times did you see a picture? | ||
| Who's impressed that you go to Starbucks over the coffee? | ||
| I go to Coffee Bean, they have better croissants. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| You know what I'm saying. | ||
| They have muffins, too. | ||
| In today's society, when we were growing up in Boston or Denver, you lived at your grandfather's in Newark, people would have a little fucking blue cup. | ||
| That said coffee. | ||
| And you went to a diner and you said, give me, what was it called? | ||
| Do you remember they used to have the Greek stuff? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like little Greek guys on the cups? | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| The coffee? | ||
| Medium? | ||
| How do you order coffee? | ||
| Regular. | ||
| Yeah, regular. | ||
| What's regular? | ||
| Regular cream and sugar. | ||
| Milk and two coffees, right? | ||
| Yeah, and two sugars. | ||
| Now look what we have. | ||
| But we didn't carry the coffee cups like a Budweiser. | ||
| It's like when you go out at night, you take a picture with somebody. | ||
| What do they always got in their hand? | ||
| Put the fucking beer down! | ||
| But nobody can put the beer down. | ||
| God forbid they don't party out. | ||
| God forbid they don't party. | ||
| Party out? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
| Let's put the butt so they can tell I'm drinking. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Put the beer down, you fuck. | ||
| Same thing with coffee in our society. | ||
| Everybody wants to fucking be cool and drink that fucking coffee. | ||
| Have you ever had someone look at your cup and go, what is that? | ||
| Fucking coffee bean? | ||
| What, you can't afford Starbucks, bro? | ||
| Yo, step up to the Starbucks. | ||
| Dunkin' Donuts, bro? | ||
| Why would you wait on that line when 7-Eleven got the same fucking coffee? | ||
| No, it doesn't. | ||
| No, it doesn't. | ||
| Listen, that Brazilian bold will keep you up for three days. | ||
| That's what ISIS drinks. | ||
| Don't tell me my fucking business. | ||
| We think ISIS drinks fucking take coffee? | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| They drink fucking Brazil. | ||
| You ever drink Brazilian bold from fucking Dunkin' Donuts? | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you! | |
| But that's Dunkin' Donuts! | ||
| Fuck everybody! | ||
| Fuck all you dumb motherfuckers! | ||
| That pay eight dollars! | ||
| Look at me! | ||
| Antibiotics and anti-fuckers! | ||
| Go to Dunkin' Donuts! | ||
| And get that Brazilian buck and bold! | ||
| And come back and see me! | ||
| That's liquid fucking meth! | ||
| We got the fuck out of here! | ||
| Dunkin' Donuts I agree with. | ||
| Shit! | ||
| But not 7-Eleven. | ||
| I don't even like Dunkin' Donuts because the coffee's too hot. | ||
| But that's not 7-Eleven. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| 7-Eleven, the old Brazilian bowl. | ||
| Now they got it all fucked up. | ||
| I don't go for Dunkin' Donuts no more. | ||
| Dunkin' Donuts you go for. | ||
| You don't go for 7-Eleven. | ||
| No, Dunkin' Donuts and Encino. | ||
| By the time I drive, they'll crash the fucking car. | ||
| So I either make the crook at the fucking house... | ||
| I make the crook at the house. | ||
| Why do you think I leave the... | ||
| I tell you about the Keurig K-Cups, right? | ||
| Why do you think I leave... | ||
| Jamie, young Jamie, get the man a Keurig K-Cup, please. | ||
| Why do you think... | ||
| We have them still, right? | ||
| Okay, yeah, I got more in the car. | ||
| Why do you think I leave the comedy store so fast every night? | ||
| Why do you leave the comedy store every night? | ||
| Because I got to catch my Starbucks by midnight or I turn into a pumpkin. | ||
| Are you drinking at midnight? | ||
| Oh my God, I drink a flat white, a small one at midnight. | ||
| So you go right down the street to the one that's near... | ||
| That one closes at eight. | ||
| Magnolia? | ||
| No, Magnolia and Riverside. | ||
| It's open till 12 o'clock? | ||
| Midnight, and the driving is open till midnight. | ||
| I got up this morning at 4.15. | ||
| I got nothing to do. | ||
| I shoot right till the driving's open at 4.30. | ||
| You know, one of the things that I would do when I was writing is I'd make a fucking pot of coffee at night. | ||
| Like, it could be like midnight. | ||
| I start writing, and I'll make a pot of coffee. | ||
| That's when I know I'm there to work. | ||
| I'm going to, you know, big fucking French press. | ||
| You said you got the white chocolate mocha? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| I get the flat white. | ||
| I don't drink no white chocolate mocha. | ||
| You gotta get out of here, right? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm cool. | |
| We got 15, 20 minutes. | ||
| I love the flat white from... | ||
| It's like a fake cafe con leche. | ||
| I'll drink a small, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| But if I'm home, I'll corrupt that motherfucker. | ||
| I'll do a double Bustelo. | ||
| You can sleep right after that, though, right? | ||
| I did cocaine for 30. A cup of coffee don't do nothing to Uncle Joey. | ||
| That's a double Bustelo. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I think I have ADD or some shit. | ||
| Because sometimes I'll have a cup of coffee and I'll get sleepy. | ||
| Yeah, I do. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| This does nothing to me. | ||
| What goes up must come down. | ||
| What goes up must come down. | ||
| It's the dumbest... | ||
| What goes up must come down. | ||
| Must come down. | ||
| Spinning wheel. | ||
| Spinning wheel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Turn your mother on the river side. | |
| By the painted pony, let the... | ||
| Ding, ding, ding. | ||
| You got no money in you. | ||
| You got no home. | ||
| Spinning wheel. | ||
| All alone. | ||
| That's Chicago, isn't it? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Who the fuck? | ||
| No, I don't think it's... | ||
| Is it Chicago? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Goddamn, I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| Three Dog Nights, Chicago. | ||
| It's got to be one of those fuckers. | ||
| Spinning Wheel. | ||
| Spinning Wheel song. | ||
| Did you guys listen to the new Apple Music radio station? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's interesting. | ||
| Because it's spinning wheel. | ||
| The fucking dude on KTLA said to stay away from it. | ||
| Blood, sweat, and tears, Joey. | ||
| Blood, sweat, and tears, yep. | ||
| Blood, sweat, and tears, that's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What goes up must come down. | |
| Spinning wheel. | ||
| 1970? | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| What year, Jamie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| You know who said that? | ||
| No, no, listen to the horns on this, brother. | ||
| Listen to the horns. | ||
| Put this back again. | ||
| Listen to these horns, because we grew up on guitars, ladies and gentlemen, for you fucking morons, with the DJ and the dude, the little Chinese dude. | ||
| Listen to the horns on this. | ||
| That's the whole song. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| Keep it up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right here, hold on. | |
| Let it shine within your mind. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
God, I haven't heard this song before. | |
| Jesus! | ||
| Goosebumps! | ||
| This is really Paris. | ||
| This is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is the other one. | |
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| You want to really put a fucking jam on, dawg? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You got to put the video on so I can show you motherfuckers. | ||
| In the book by Aerosmith, he describes when he met... | ||
| His daughter for the first time at a concert. | ||
| He was on stage. | ||
| His daughter? | ||
| Yeah, the chick that's in Armageddon. | ||
| He met her for the first time? | ||
| You didn't know that, though? | ||
| No. | ||
| She didn't know who her father was. | ||
| It was between Todd... | ||
| Rundgren? | ||
| Todd Glass. | ||
| No, Todd Rundgren. | ||
| It was between Todd Rundgren and... | ||
| Steven Tyler. | ||
| Steven Tyler. | ||
| And then her mother took her to see Aerosmith and she goes, that's my dad. | ||
| Put up Todd Rundgren. | ||
| Hello, it's me. | ||
| Listen to this jam, Joel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| When was the last time you heard this? | ||
| I haven't heard this in forever. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| I don't even know how it goes. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| This is when singing, this is when you had to have a voice, dog. | ||
| Is this going to not kick you off of YouTube and all that? | ||
| Is it going to kick you off of YouTube? | ||
| No. | ||
| They don't like it. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, they don't like it. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| We might have to edit this. | ||
| Don't put the video. | ||
| It's a lot of work for this guy. | ||
| It's not that simple. | ||
| But you got to see the video and see what he looks like. | ||
| This is him? | ||
| This is suicide music. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cut it out. | ||
| Stop it now. | ||
| This is a bad jam. | ||
| This is Ty Rock. | ||
| This is tremendous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This is one of those songs you listen to over your grandmother's house. | ||
| Gotta get outside. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For a walk. | |
| This is a bad jam. | ||
| I gotta get out of the house. | ||
| This guy's a fucking tremendous guy. | ||
| Everyone's like, it's snowing out. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| I gotta walk. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He's dressed like an eagle. | ||
| Thinks he's a bird. | ||
| You had to see this fucking guy. | ||
| Where's that guy now? | ||
| I always wonder what happens to these guys. | ||
| Guys that are like rock stars and then they just stop. | ||
| They just stop. | ||
| Like, what a strange... | ||
| No, I guarantee this guy had so much talent. | ||
| This guy wrote for people. | ||
| He gets a fucking... | ||
| He gets residuals from all this dough on the radio. | ||
| You know, with all this classic rock and all these serious and the same money we get from... | ||
| What's that check who sends us a check once a quarter for our shit on the radio? | ||
| They get. | ||
| And in Boulder, I used to be friends with a guy that was a radio police. | ||
| He was the radio police. | ||
| And what he did was he made sure that you got paid for your stuff. | ||
| The radio police. | ||
| He worked for the radio police in Denver. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he have a badge? | |
| No, he didn't have a badge. | ||
| He was a white dude. | ||
| Nice guy. | ||
| I met him at the car wash. | ||
| What's in here? | ||
| Keurig K-cups. | ||
| Hash oil. | ||
| Marijuana. | ||
| And a K-cup for him. | ||
| I gotta put some sugar in this motherfucker. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| Sweet enough. | ||
| The universe, the experience is very sweet. | ||
| No, uh... | ||
| What are we talking about? | ||
| Stevia's empty. | ||
| Stevia's empty. | ||
| Have you tried the liquid stevia? | ||
| We got more of it? | ||
| I got sugar. | ||
| Oh, we got sugar for you. | ||
| Yeah, I'll take some sugar and that's a motherfucker, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Liquid stevia? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's dangerous. | ||
| With like an eyedropper? | ||
| Yeah, it's like an... | ||
| Just do like a one or two drops. | ||
| It's so strong. | ||
| Stevia could really fuck up a drink if you're not paying attention. | ||
| Hello, it's me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know. | ||
| The fuck? | ||
| What's he gonna do? | ||
| There you go. | ||
| What's this? | ||
| Sugar, bitch. | ||
| I'm Cuban. | ||
| I got a sweet tooth. | ||
| You're going to give me two packets. | ||
| I got diabetes. | ||
| How many packets do you use? | ||
| Fucking 18. Raw sugar. | ||
| How many? | ||
| It's a half a cup of coffee. | ||
| How many sugars would you put in there normally? | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| Raw sugar's kind of... | ||
| What would you do if I wasn't here? | ||
| I put that Stevia shit in there. | ||
| No, it's broken. | ||
| No, the other shit. | ||
| That's what I use. | ||
| I use the sweetness that your boy sent me. | ||
| Stevia? | ||
| Yeah, whatever the fuck he sent me. | ||
| I don't use sugar at all. | ||
| But yet you're using four. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| I'm with you guys. | ||
| I'm partying with you motherfuckers. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| We are partying. | ||
| Once you drink that. | ||
| Once you drink that. | ||
| Bro, I got a half a brownie in me. | ||
| Listen, I did my first morning joint at 9 a.m. | ||
| this morning. | ||
| Where the fuck you been? | ||
| Oh, I wanted to talk to you about that. | ||
| Talk to me about that. | ||
| Your Periscope show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Periscope. | |
| Periscope show. | ||
| Where's the stirrers for Joey? | ||
| I got it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm good. | |
| I'm good. | ||
| This tastes like dick. | ||
| You know that? | ||
| This tastes like fucking dick. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. | ||
| It's not supposed to be good. | ||
| It's supposed to be good in effects. | ||
| When I drink a star, it's fucking good. | ||
| It's jello. | ||
| Drink that. | ||
| This is dick. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| This tastes like a guy that smoked pot all night. | ||
| You suck his dick. | ||
| This is what comes out of his dick. | ||
| It's his TAC coffee. | ||
| He ate an asparagus salad and smoked weed. | ||
| Hello, it's me. | ||
| What's the story? | ||
| Your Periscope show. | ||
| Every morning, you're doing the joint. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Say it again. | ||
| It's called The Morning Joint with Uncle Joey. | ||
| I do it about five after eight if the baby lets me go outside. | ||
| Five after eight in the morning. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You stand outside for a couple minutes and just do Periscope. | ||
| I smoke three, four bowls. | ||
| Two different weeds, maybe a little hashish. | ||
| And I wake the people up. | ||
| I give some motivational terms. | ||
| I tell the people to grab their dick like today. | ||
| The saying of the day was, either they're going to suck your dick or they're going to suck your dick. | ||
| Either way, you win. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Wow, that's really clever. | ||
| Did you write that out? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And Confucius says, either you're going to suck my dick today or you're going to suck my dick tomorrow. | ||
| But you're going to suck my dick somewhere along the line. | ||
| A lot of dick sucking going on. | ||
| That's how you have to leave the house in the morning. | ||
| When I leave the house, I'm scared. | ||
| I've got to fucking get myself fired up in the shower and let people know that when I'm going out there, somebody's going to suck your dick today, whether they want it or not. | ||
| Joey, do you ever have them delete any of your stuff? | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know nothing about Periscope. | ||
| I just do them and I fucking move on with my life. | ||
| It's a beautiful day to be alive. | ||
| The cloud is out. | ||
| Who gives a fuck? | ||
| You're showing up with some mad motherfucking sunshine in your heart and in your ball sack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You understand? | |
| Like the man said, they got two options today. | ||
| To suck your dick or to suck your dick. | ||
| That's their option, so who gives a fuck? | ||
| This is how you wake up. | ||
| Joey, what's up with the chitter-chatter? | ||
| You know, we've been waiting for 20 fucking minutes. | ||
| Now you want to show up a day late and a dollar fucking short? | ||
| Let's get this fucking party started. | ||
| We're going to open up today with the zombie weed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
By the way, you know me. | |
| Okay, I know exactly what I'm doing tomorrow. | ||
| I'm setting my alarm clock, and I'm going to be a part of this. | ||
| I usually watch you right when I'm going to bed. | ||
| You do it really early sometimes. | ||
| You know what I'm going to do, man? | ||
| I want to get one of those iPhone things for the car. | ||
| It's illegal, by the way. | ||
| It's illegal to have a windshield mount in California. | ||
| Windshield? | ||
| Windshield mount. | ||
| Because it's in front of you. | ||
| Or anything on your windshield, so you can do that. | ||
| No, but you don't on the windshield, you do it on the dash, right? | ||
| Well, no, you can do it on the vents. | ||
| They have the ones that snap into vents and crap like that. | ||
| Oh, but it's not illegal to periscope while you're driving. | ||
| I think it is. | ||
| I definitely think it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, because you're kind of not paying attention to the road. | ||
| But you are if you just turn it on while you're driving. | ||
| If you're parked, you turn it on, and you go, okay, it's on, here we go, we're going to work. | ||
| I don't think they can stop you from doing that. | ||
| I think that's fine, yeah. | ||
| Because you could drive like that with GoPros, because that's how those shows get made. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like Drive, that Drive channel on YouTube. | ||
| I was with those guys. | ||
| Matt Faradud, he's got all these GoPros inside of his car, so you could definitely do that. | ||
| I drive all the time, but I delete them right after. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because you drive like chaos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this cloud. | |
| Look at this cloud and shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
BAM! That's like the fucking forest fire. | |
| They're fighting in Big Bear right now. | ||
| They deleted one of my periscopes. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because I have this thing where I eat shitty food in the shower and like review it. | ||
| And I was doing Taco Bell. | ||
| Like I had like a nacho bel grande and I was just drinking all the water and like a soup. | ||
| Why did they delete it? | ||
| Because it was too gross, I think. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| You're eating food. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Why are they censoring? | ||
| I think they might. | ||
| I don't know why, but it was available for like an hour, and then they just pulled it, and I don't know if it was... | ||
| I heard that people were upset at you that you were wasting water. | ||
| It's a six-minute shower, and I'm taking a real shower while I'm eating. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm not defending or attacking you, but people were upset that you were wasting water. | ||
| Well, I understand those complaints, but when I do a shower scope, I try not to shower for four days straight. | ||
| Can't argue with that, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Get off your fucking high horse. | ||
| How many minutes shower can I take? | ||
| You're supposed to take five minutes a day. | ||
| Who fucking shuts down the golf course? | ||
| When's that happening? | ||
| Because until then, fuck yourself. | ||
| Because they're using millions of gallons of water. | ||
| Until you're shutting down the golf course, fuck off. | ||
| Because that's 100% for entertainment. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| He's at least taking a combatory effort of entertainment and a shower. | ||
| I take two, three showers a day, and I take my time. | ||
| I get this loofah. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| I get the asshole loofah. | ||
| You get the loofah with the stick? | ||
| I made an asshole loofah, dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You made it? | |
| A little loofah with a Q-tip. | ||
| Just to wash the barnacles around the mufflers. | ||
| It'll get stuck in there and you won't even know it's in there. | ||
| No, I did the colonoscopy. | ||
| I looked at my ass. | ||
| I didn't want to go in there with a dirty asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just use a shower toothbrush. | |
| What do you want in for your colonoscopy, dog? | ||
| Pretty soon, cocksucker. | ||
| I've had a finger in my butt. | ||
| No, not the finger. | ||
| When they stick the camera in there and look around. | ||
| Doctor had to check around. | ||
| They gotta look around. | ||
| It's very uncomfortable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How bad is that? | |
| Very uncomfortable. | ||
| You don't even make eye contact with these. | ||
| Look around your asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking horrible. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm avoiding shoulder surgery. | ||
| I've got some tears, some small tears in my labrum. | ||
| So I've been going through Regenikine and physical therapy and all this different shit for it. | ||
| It's my latest health issue. | ||
| It's fascinating shit to feel your joints giving out. | ||
| And to realize, oh, this might have to get fixed. | ||
| I'm going to have to get this one fixed. | ||
| It's not quite at the point where I've got to get it fixed. | ||
| I think I could rejuvenate it to the point. | ||
| It's weird because it's still strong, but it just gets sore after I use it. | ||
| And there's apparently some bone chips in there from jujitsu. | ||
| My knee hurts, but what am I going to do? | ||
| Americanas. | ||
| Oh my God, I cried. | ||
| Your knee hurts? | ||
| Again, the one I just had surgery. | ||
| You should look into that Regenicene shit. | ||
| What's Regenicene? | ||
| Genachines are the blood-spinning procedure. | ||
| They take your blood out. | ||
| It's what Kobe Bryant, all these guys used to go to Germany for. | ||
| Now they have a place in Santa Monica. | ||
| And it's just massive anti-inflammatories. | ||
| How much blood do they have to take out? | ||
| They take out some blood. | ||
| That's when we have a problem. | ||
| They take out some blood. | ||
| You got a tube. | ||
| Whatever a tube is, you got a tube. | ||
| No, they got a few tubes. | ||
| No, we can't do it. | ||
| And they're big tubes, too. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| They're taking two big tubes and a couple small tubes. | ||
| They got that bass drum air fucking compressor. | ||
| And they fucking banged it out of your blood. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| That's why I didn't go to the thing, the Salvation Army. | ||
| They went with 16 ounces of blood. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| They get all your blood. | ||
| They gotta go, what have you been doing? | ||
| You know what, bro? | ||
| I try to give blood once a month. | ||
| His blood smells like weed. | ||
| I go to the doctor with some fake fucking excuse. | ||
| Because people, that's why women don't get heart attacks. | ||
| Because they bleed once a month. | ||
|
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What? | |
| Yeah, that's why. | ||
|
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What the fuck are you talking about? | |
| Because they bleed once a month. | ||
| They change up their fucking blood. | ||
| You make new fucking blood. | ||
| That's why women don't get heart attacks. | ||
| Because every month they need iron to make new fucking blood. | ||
| But we don't bleed like women, so that's why it's good when men go get blood. | ||
| Because then your body rejuvenates new fucking blood, even if it's four fucking ounces. | ||
| What do you think you're dealing with? | ||
| Is that what's true? | ||
| Then dudes who did coke would bleed more out of their noses, so they would probably live longer. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I'm telling you right now that the reason women don't die as many heart attacks as men is because they don't bleed out the fucking monkey. | ||
| I think the reason why they probably don't die as much is because they don't date as many women. | ||
| If you're over 40, go get blood once a month. | ||
| Just a couple tubes so your body starts from scratch. | ||
| I'm telling you, Joe. | ||
| I think when women are not dating women, it saves a lot of stress. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| I think with this gay marriage thing, you're going to see a rise in heart attacks from women. | ||
| Lesbian heart attacks. | ||
| Once they get the bill from the lawyer, the alimony. | ||
|
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What? | |
| Bitch, get a job! | ||
| I'm not your mother! | ||
| I didn't give birth to you! | ||
| You didn't have fucking kids with me! | ||
| God damn it! | ||
| Melissa Etheridge was really funny when she was talking about that. | ||
| She gives alimony to two different chicks. | ||
| I go, what happened? | ||
| and she goes, bitches are crazy. | ||
|
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Melissa Etheridge is a bad-ass bitch. | |
| She's a badass bitch. | ||
|
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I say that with all due respect. | |
| I call you a badass bitch. | ||
| I can call anybody I love a badass bitch. | ||
| Look at you, you badass bitch. | ||
| That's 100% respectful. | ||
| Where you at this weekend, Bill? | ||
| You at the theater? | ||
| This is the Ka Theater at the MGM with Tommy Segura and Tony Hinchcliffe in Vegas the night before the big fights. | ||
| I'm going to miss you guys. | ||
| I'm going to miss you too. | ||
| Where are you at? | ||
| I'm at the Atlanta Improv. | ||
| I heard that's a good spot. | ||
| Nice spot. | ||
| Brian Cowen's the king. | ||
| He's the king there? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| They don't have the punchline anymore. | ||
| But they did a punchline comedy night at a fucking backyard the other day. | ||
| They had some gated community. | ||
| They have some crazy community somewhere outside of Atlanta. | ||
| It's like one of those engineered communities, and they have all these recreations, and it's a gated community. | ||
| But they had this, the Punchline, had a Punchline comedy night, and all these people are sitting outside, and they decided to have a comedy night at their community. | ||
| Did you say the Punchline's not open anymore? | ||
| It's not open anymore. | ||
| What they did to the building, or what happened? | ||
| I think they lost their lease, I'm assuming, but they've been there forever, forever. | ||
| Or they might have decided it doesn't make sense to keep the lease. | ||
| I don't know exactly what happened. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're looking for another spot. | ||
| That green room sucked anyway. | ||
| No, it was. | ||
| It was kind of cool. | ||
| That was the green room that had a little sign on the wall that said, quit trying to be Hicks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you also got trapped there, because the only way to enter or exit that green room was walking through the whole entire audience. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's also the green room where Seth Petruzzelli fought Kimbo Slice and I called the fight like right before it happened because Ken Shamrock got injured warming up for the first fight and then all of a sudden instead of Ken Kimbo Slice had to fight Seth Petruzzelli and I went what? | ||
| And as soon as I saw it, I'm like, oh my god, Seth Petruzzelli's gonna fuck him up. | ||
| Like, this is a terrible fight for him. | ||
| Petruzzelli's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| So I watched that. | ||
| I was like, this is a terrible matchup. | ||
| And everybody's like, you're crazy. | ||
| Kimbo's a world beater. | ||
| I'm like, dude, wait till you see what happens here. | ||
| And it happened within, like, eight seconds. | ||
| Just as soon as the fight started, Petruzzelli knocks him out. | ||
| And I go, see? | ||
| I called it. | ||
| Seth Petruzzelli's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| But I was like, if I didn't call it, you would never see this. | ||
| We would hide this. | ||
| It was a crazy little green room, man. | ||
| That was a good little spot. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, just walking to it sucked. | ||
| I always thought it was a back door or something to it. | ||
| Yeah, walking sucked, but that was part of the fun of that club. | ||
| It was kind of wonky, you know? | ||
| There's that weird wonky upstairs, remember? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's that weird spot. | ||
| I'll show it. | ||
| Look at that manly beard. | ||
| God damn it, I need to grow another beard. | ||
| I always died in a slow death at that club. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| You wouldn't now. | ||
| Guarantee people know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| When I used to bring you there, people didn't know what to make of you. | ||
| They were so confused. | ||
| They fucking hated me there. | ||
| Well, you were in this position back then where either they got it or they didn't hear it. | ||
| No, but I wasn't working hard then either. | ||
| I was going up there coked up like from the night before, not even feeling it. | ||
| You know, when you have coke in your blood from the night before, dog... | ||
| Does it depress you the next day? | ||
| No, it wasn't the depression. | ||
| It's like, you know, you got high, like, I would get high, like, Mondays, Wednesdays, and then the fucking weekend was coming. | ||
| You gotta warm up, you know? | ||
| And the first night, you'd have, like, a good show. | ||
| Thursday night, I'd have a good show, but then I got a hold of that shit. | ||
| And then Friday was rough, and then Saturday was even rougher, because you're more dis-communicated. | ||
| Disconnected. | ||
| Disconnected is the word. | ||
| So I would go up there, die, and then have to see those people, and I fucking hated them, and they hated me, you know? | ||
| So for the longest time for you, that cocaine was a real anchor around your neck? | ||
| Oh, 30 fucking years. | ||
| I was telling my wife this morning, the whole 90s. | ||
| You figure the whole 90s. | ||
| How did you kick it? | ||
| How'd I kick it? | ||
| I told you, I just kicked it. | ||
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| I just didn't want... | ||
| Listen, bro, like I told you, I have a fucking revenge gene. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| You'd rather fucking get ten dicks up your ass than have somebody come to you and say Joey Diaz died from an overdose. | ||
| I was not gonna let that out. | ||
| I was not gonna let people come up to you and go, see I told you. | ||
| And I definitely want my wife to find me on the floor. | ||
| Listen, you could find me on the floor. | ||
| Red Band could never handle it. | ||
| Red Band would never be the same again if he found me on the floor. | ||
| Never. | ||
| Red Band would fucking... | ||
| God, because he doesn't have that DNA. Neither does this poor guy. | ||
| You do. | ||
| You can find anybody on the floor. | ||
| It'd be tough for you to deal. | ||
| I don't know what to think about that. | ||
| It'd be tough for you to deal. | ||
| You're a strong, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| You would put it in perspective a lot quicker than Red Band could. | ||
| Red Band would take two years. | ||
| Talking about him like he's not right there. | ||
| No, I'm not saying something bad about Red Band. | ||
| Red Band's got a great soul. | ||
| When I first met Red Band, I would talk. | ||
| This kid would leave the room. | ||
| He didn't know what to make of me. | ||
| The Columbus days? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He didn't know. | ||
| So, what I'm saying is there's some people who could find a guy on the floor and live with it, and there's some people who can't digest it. | ||
| They can't. | ||
| I didn't want two things. | ||
| I didn't want Terry finding me on the floor. | ||
| I definitely didn't want to die in a hotel room on the fucking road. | ||
|
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Right. | |
| And that was my main playground. | ||
| You know what the embarrassing that is? | ||
| They gotta go get you in the hotel room naked. | ||
| That's what I'm jumping at. | ||
| With jerk-off juice on your leg. | ||
| Hopefully. | ||
| And some chick who left at 3 in the morning and then people are gonna say, I told you, Joe Rogan. | ||
| That was never gonna happen in my lifestyle. | ||
| In my lifetime, that was not going to happen. | ||
| I was not going to OD from Cope. | ||
| I couldn't give them the satisfaction even after the fucking fact. | ||
| That's how deep my revenge gene runs. | ||
|
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Wow. | |
| That's hilarious. | ||
| You got clean because you wanted to get back at the people that would have been happy if you died. | ||
| Oh, please. | ||
| Would have been happy if I died from that. | ||
| They would have loved to look at you in the face and go, I told you so. | ||
| There's people that live for that shit. | ||
| That once they have an opinion, they live by it. | ||
| Let me tell you something, though. | ||
| I've said I told you so a shitload of times now. | ||
| I get to say I told you so now. | ||
| I get to say I told you so to a lot of fucking agents. | ||
| I've had some stupid conversations with people back in the day. | ||
| Stupid! | ||
| Where they were trying to tell me you weren't talented, you weren't funny. | ||
| I'm like, you need to shut the fuck up. | ||
| You don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| Listen, man, when you're on the drug, when you're on any drug... | ||
| You get stuck in that emotional state where you started that drug, where that drug really became something else for you. | ||
| Listen, when I leave now and I go to a pharmacist and I get Anivar, it starts off great. | ||
| I eat one Anivar three times a day. | ||
| What's an Anivar? | ||
| Anivar is a steroid, a light steroid to get the burn victim. | ||
| Oh, okay, I've heard of that. | ||
| Okay, but once I start seeing that... | ||
| That thing. | ||
| Then I become something else. | ||
| When chicks start coming up to me and going, Joey, we love your arms and we love your back, it becomes an emotional thing. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So now I'm shooting Decker. | ||
| Now I'm chasing that dragon, that feeling. | ||
| Well, when you start doing, you do a fucking line of coke because you're an emotional fucking wreck. | ||
| When you do it, you don't even know it at times. | ||
| You become an emotional wreck from any drug, those pills. | ||
| So for me, I got stuck emotionally. | ||
| The anger was stuck in me. | ||
| You can't move forward. | ||
| We've had this discussion. | ||
| You can't move forward. | ||
| Well, you've always said that it shuts off your soul. | ||
| Sure it does. | ||
|
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Sure it does. | |
| That's the way you described it. | ||
| It was like you just became a blank. | ||
| Sure it does. | ||
| I wasn't happy. | ||
| I wasn't sad. | ||
| I wasn't mad. | ||
| I wasn't any of the above. | ||
| I had no emotions. | ||
| You faked the funk in a way. | ||
| Even in those days, you still were Joey Diaz. | ||
| Oh, I could still throw some fucking heat if you caught me after two days, if I sat down with a notebook, but it wasn't... | ||
| You still had a lot of talent. | ||
| There's still something about you. | ||
| That just, it was about you catching it. | ||
| I remember one time we worked together at Rascals. | ||
| West Orange? | ||
| West Orange. | ||
| Yeah, Rascals and West Orange. | ||
| And it was at the time when you made the transition. | ||
| You know how Nicole or Caitlyn Jenner, that was a transition? | ||
| There was a transition where you went from Joey Diaz, the guy who wants to be a comedian, to Joey Diaz, a great comedian. | ||
| And I watched it happen, and it happened really quickly. | ||
| That was what was weird. | ||
| It was like, you had this period of time where you were real hit and miss, you know? | ||
| And, you know, if you went down, you went down hard, and you would go down. | ||
| Sometimes you would bomb, like, multiple sets in a row, and it just wasn't clicking. | ||
| It wasn't clicking. | ||
| And then, boom. | ||
| You hit on it and figured out what it was, and it's almost like you released something. | ||
| Like, you had, like, a demon inside you. | ||
| You pulled it out, and you released it. | ||
| And then, all of a sudden, you were crushing it. | ||
| I remember I think it was Tripoli and I were in the back by the the back hallway And it was like one of the times where you just really started crushing and Tripoli was like Joey Diaz is on another level I go yeah, man like what the fuck like you just caught it you like you caught a wave and all of a sudden you were surfing and And then from then on, you figured it out. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Like, you went from being, like, a really funny guy offstage, and an occasionally funny guy onstage, but often mediocre, to a monster. | ||
| Just monster. | ||
| Like, there was nights in the OR where you were destroying, and we were falling out of the backstage. | ||
| We would leave, like, laughing so hard, we would go down the back stairs, out into the hallway, and there'd be, like, two or three guys slapping their leg laughing. | ||
| I'd be dying on stage. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| The original room brings something out of you. | ||
| We're out of time. | ||
| We're out of time. | ||
| I love you, man. | ||
| Thank you for having me on. | ||
| Anytime. | ||
| It was fun at our 4th of July barbecue, too. | ||
| Great to see you, too. | ||
| Jamie, yuck. | ||
|
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Yuck. | |
| I'm going to go home now and take a swim in. | ||
| That's always a fucking blast. | ||
| His daughter just says, yuck, and everything. | ||
| The first time she met me, she goes, yuck. | ||
| She kissed me. | ||
| She's yuck to everything. | ||
| Do you want to have some of this? | ||
|
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Yuck. | |
| But I showed her some ice cream, and she's like, oh, then that was our best friend. | ||
| Then it was a vanilla ice cream, man. | ||
| Joey Diaz, what is it, the Periscope? | ||
| How do people get to it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Follow him on Twitter. | ||
| I always put it up on Twitter five minutes. | ||
| What time in the morning? | ||
| Five after eight. | ||
| Five after eight. | ||
| You've got to check that out. | ||
| Get your day started off with that. | ||
| Of course, Mad Flavor on Twitter. | ||
| Red Band on Twitter. | ||
| Show's coming up. | ||
| Next week in Toronto, and this week, Wednesday, Comedy Store with Steve-O. Good googly moogly. | ||
| Alright, friends, we'll see you soon. | ||
|
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Bye-bye. |
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