April 15, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:10:15
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Broadcasting. | ||
| Are we broadcasting? | ||
| How does this work? | ||
| I think we are. | ||
| I think we are brothers in broadcasting. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I think, yeah, if we want to talk about it. | ||
| Brothers in stand-up and broadcasting. | ||
| Broadcasting is like, isn't that like a signal, though? | ||
| Like, doesn't that only... | ||
| Is that like when you're sending something through the air? | ||
| Broadcast! | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, don't forget that this didn't exist when that term came up, so that probably would have encompassed this, too. | ||
| I guess, but broadcast, for whatever reason to me, it feels like you're sending like a wired signal, like the old-school-y TV signal. | ||
| Yeah, coming off the radio tower, yeah. | ||
| Imagine what that must have been like when the first TVs came about, and you're sitting in your house, and all this time you've just been listening to the radio like an asshole. | ||
| And then finally, they have this box that you can sit in front of, and you get to see an actual image. | ||
| And it's moving around, and you know that the whole country's watching at the same time. | ||
| They probably reacted to that the way we will react to holograms. | ||
| Eventually, say you're in a live-action movie. | ||
| Say movies you can be immersed in holograms. | ||
| Eventually, that's how... | ||
| The way we look at that is how they probably look to TV, because the whole family would just sit around this shitty black and white box and just stare at it. | ||
| Oh, the elections are coming! | ||
| Fucking boring stuff, but that must have been amazing, like magic in your house. | ||
| Well, even just the radio before that was magic, where they could all sit around a broadcast of H.G. Wells' War of the Worlds. | ||
| Remember when that story from, I guess it was like... | ||
| What year was that? | ||
| It was in the 30s, I guess. | ||
| Orson Welles, right, with them killing themselves? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think Snopes attacked that and said there's no evidence in any way to kill themselves. | ||
| Oh, I didn't know that. | ||
| It was like one of those urban myth things. | ||
| Does that show what a piece of shit I am? | ||
| I'm disappointed that no one came in. | ||
| I actually went, oh, oh, nerds. | ||
| I'm so sad about that. | ||
| It sounds like one of those things that is being pretty hard to prove. | ||
| We're going to go back to 1930 and find out who killed themselves over an Orson Welles radio broadcast. | ||
| People are going to be reluctant to talk about that slow uncle who blew his fucking brains out because he believed the actor man was telling the truth. | ||
| He's probably depressed anyway because he's obviously a dope. | ||
| He probably lost a lot of money in the market crash. | ||
| Was it over by 35? | ||
| I guess it was. | ||
| When was the market crash? | ||
| It was 35? | ||
| No, it was, I think, I want to say early 20s? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was it? | |
| 29, maybe? | ||
| 35 was, what was Prohibition? | ||
| 33? | ||
| Well, no, it was in the 20s, too, don't forget, because Borowak Empire's in the 20s, I think, and that's all through Prohibition. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I don't know when it ended. | ||
| I feel like, I want to say it ended in 33, and then marijuana became criminalized in 35. Was it legal before then or just not known? | ||
| Yeah, it was legal before then, but they didn't call it marijuana. | ||
| It was only called marijuana after William Randolph Hearst started printing these articles about blacks and Mexicans taking this new drug and raping white women, and they called it marijuana. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| But that was a name for a wild Mexican tobacco. | ||
| That's what marijuana was. | ||
| They used to call it cannabis. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| It was hemp, cannabis, and they would smoke cannabis. | ||
| They would smoke hash, and all that stuff was the same plant. | ||
| But it was really what they were after was hemp. | ||
| As a commodity. | ||
| They were trying to make hemp a commodity very difficult to take over for paper and for cotton. | ||
| They'd made some new invention called a decorticator and it was going to be able to really easily process hemp fibers. | ||
| That's where all this came from. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Supposedly. | ||
| Again, it's sketchy stuff. | ||
| Did they ever call it Kalitas like an Eagles song? | ||
| That's the only time I've ever heard that. | ||
| I heard it was Pot, Warm Smell of Kalitas. | ||
| Is that what they call it? | ||
| I've never heard of that. | ||
| That's what I heard in that Eagles documentary. | ||
| Is that Kalitas rising up through the air? | ||
| I always wondered what that name was they were saying. | ||
| I think it's a name for Pot, Warm Smell of Kalitas. | ||
| He said the whole song was about show business or L.A. or whatever, but it just made me think. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| But my point being, there's no point. | ||
| It was a long-ass time ago. | ||
| They had so much less information coming at them every day that just getting that signal from the radio must have been a big fucking deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, whoa! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, grabbing around with a ball game. | ||
| They'd all just sit around and look at it. | ||
| Imagine just looking at a fucking radio and hanging on the soap operas, the radio soap operas they would do, the weekly ones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| All those guys that did the Foley work with the paper, crinkling up as a fire, crinkle, crinkle, crinkle. | ||
| They had comedies and dramas. | ||
| Some of those are really fucking cool to listen to today, too. | ||
| You're driving, like if you've got a gig you're going to, listen to one of them old-timey suspense radio programs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dun-dun! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a time machine. | ||
| Have you heard Tom Papa's? | ||
| It's called Come to Papa. | ||
| And we do that. | ||
| He does them live at the Village Underground. | ||
| I think he does them here in L.A. Where he'll give us all the script and we'll go out in front of a live audience. | ||
| And they're awesome. | ||
| And he's always got like a weird theme, like a Christmas theme or Thanksgiving. | ||
| And then you wind up reading it and you're getting real audience laughs. | ||
| And it's so great to act and not have to be off book. | ||
| Just hold your fucking script there. | ||
| It's like doing a play with a script in your hand. | ||
| Wow, and so he does it live in front of an audience and he writes all the scripts out? | ||
| He does, yeah, but he's cool. | ||
| Like, we'll go through one rehearsal like that night and then you just, you know, I always change stuff to make it sound like me and he doesn't care. | ||
| And they're really fun to do. | ||
| He's got Matt Damon to do them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Because Tom has really famous friends because he doesn't bother them for photos. | ||
| So they actually see him as an equal. | ||
| He's a sweetheart that guy. | ||
| He is a good dude. | ||
| I really only hung out with him for the first time when he did my podcast. | ||
| I had like met him before like I said hi I think maybe at the most but never really talked to him before he came in to do the podcast. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He's funny too and and he's a weird guy like Tom is one of those guys like he's clean but he fucking murders on stage like you know a lot of times you watch a clean guy up there like oh you stink Papa's so good, man. | ||
| He's a guy that you watch in the cell. | ||
| You're like, he's totally clean. | ||
| He can perform in front of any audience, and you can't even hate him. | ||
| You're like, he's just a funny guy. | ||
| Well, some people, that's just what they think of, you know? | ||
| There's nothing wrong with it. | ||
| I think we all, especially you and I coming up, we kind of got... | ||
| We were in a time... | ||
| We pretty much started around the same time, right? | ||
| Like, you started in the late 80s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
1990s. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I started in 88. So by the time I had come to New York, it was like 90, 91, and you were just getting started. | ||
| So we were both kind of getting started around the same time. | ||
| And there was like, there was clean camps back then and dirty camps. | ||
| And we were looked at as like the dummies. | ||
| Like, ah, these guys are dirty. | ||
| Is he funny? | ||
| Ah, they're just dirty. | ||
| And they would look at what you're doing as like it would have less merit. | ||
| Because even though he's killing, yeah, he's killing, but he's just, he's talking about getting his dick sucked by a guy. | ||
| It's weird stuff. | ||
| You know, and people would have this, like, dismissal of it. | ||
| That doesn't really exist anymore. | ||
| No, I don't see it as much. | ||
| I don't hear, maybe, again, because I'm not on the open mic thing anymore, but I don't, I remember that clean and dirty, and I've always thought, they thought there was so much more valor and cleanliness. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's not. | ||
| Well, it's censorship. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| Like, do you tell me you don't have those thoughts? | ||
| Or you just don't want to explore those thoughts on stage? | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| You don't have to explore those thoughts on stage. | ||
| But to pretend that somehow or another there's something wrong with somebody else exploring those thoughts on stage, whatever the fuck they are, that they can't be handled in a clever and hilarious way, everything can be. | ||
| Well, they were looking at it like, there's a difference between just being, because you can be hacky and clean, too. | ||
| Like, hacky dirty guys suck just as much as hacky clean guys do. | ||
| I mean, it's just, you know, guys doing the, I don't find anything to be shocking, but you always know when a guy's up there trying to be shocking. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But sometimes someone just has an idea of what it's gonna be. | ||
| Like, if you hear, oh, it's dirty comedy, like, ah, it's fucking stupid. | ||
| But then you'll see someone who's dirty and, like, really clever, and you'll go, wow, I didn't even think of that option. | ||
| Right, Stan Hope or Otto when he was alive. | ||
| Yes, perfect example. | ||
| There's some really filthy, funny guys. | ||
| And every truly funny guy that all these people, whether it was Bill Hicks, who could be dirty when he cursed at least, or Pryor or Kinison or Carlin or Lenny Bruce, they were all filthy, and yet all these guys are like, well, dirty comedy. | ||
| When you mention them, instead of just going, oh yeah, I'm an ass and I'm wrong, they go, well, you're not him. | ||
| Yes, that's exactly what they say. | ||
| Yeah, they have to say that because they can't admit they're wrong. | ||
| I said that to a guy at an open mic night. | ||
| When I was an open miker, this guy was telling me you can't swear. | ||
| He was telling me, you know, you've got to stop swearing because you're never going to do TV. You're never going to do TV gigs. | ||
| If you swear, you're not going to get The Tonight Show. | ||
| You're not going to get Letterman. | ||
| You're going to be stuck. | ||
| You're going to be pigeonholed. | ||
| Like, you're just going to be one of those guys that's bitter, doing the road, swearing. | ||
| And I was like, well, what about Kinison? | ||
| He's like, well, you're not Sam Kinison. | ||
| I go, well, how did he become Sam Kinison? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| What about Dice Clay? | ||
| You're not Dice Clay. | ||
| Well, this is stupid, because those are the guys I think are really funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| What about Pryor? | ||
| What if he had listened to you and went totally clean? | ||
| Like, this is ridiculous! | ||
| Like, what do you like? | ||
| What do you like? | ||
| Well, because I like Kinison, and Pryor, and Hicks, and Carlin. | ||
| Like, those are what I think are funny, and you're telling me that I can't be like them? | ||
| I can't do that style? | ||
| Like, that's ridiculous. | ||
| That's what I think of as comedy. | ||
| Like, you and I might have a different idea of what you think of as comedy. | ||
| For you, it might be Henny Youngman, it might be, you know, whatever, fill in the blank. | ||
| Fibber McGee and Molly 2. You know, whatever. | ||
| You know, everybody's got their own style that they're into, but people would be like real adamant in the clean versus dirty camp. | ||
| I don't think that exists anymore, and I think the internet has sort of like dissolved those boundaries. | ||
| Well, as TV has gotten harsher too, it's like, you know, you didn't have, even in 1990, you had cable, but you didn't have channels like FX or all these, HBO wasn't really doing original programming, where you were actually just watching comedy shows that said fucking them all the time, so it was easier for them to do that, but now you just look like a dated douche. | ||
| If you're like, I don't... | ||
| Sometimes I'll work material out, I'll take language out of it, because like, oh yeah, I want to try to do this on TV, so I've got to make sure my Tinder bit is funny, clean, because if I ever want to do it on TV, I don't want the punchline to be cunt lips, and then go, oh no, how do I take that out? | ||
| Maybe I can go like, um, can I make a Charlie Callis noise and make it... | ||
| That's where you get fucked up, when you have to start editing and cutening it up. | ||
| But I've always hated euphemisms anyway. | ||
| Like, I hate guys... | ||
| There was one guy who was talking about a dick or a pussy, and he would go, hurrah, and he would whistle. | ||
| Can you whistle? | ||
| Yeah, like, shh, shh, and point down. | ||
| That was what he referred to. | ||
| It's like, either say it or don't, but don't whistle. | ||
| That's not cute. | ||
| That's not stomach-turning. | ||
| It's bizarre. | ||
| It is bizarre. | ||
| Imagine you're talking to a man, it was just you and him, and he couldn't say pussy. | ||
| And he's like, hurrah, whew. | ||
| Yeah, unless he was talking about a girl that I might like, then I could see the confusion. | ||
| Just really powerful pussies. | ||
| You could actually whistle out of it. | ||
| Imagine she said just insane pussy muscles just can suck air. | ||
| It's probably possible. | ||
| If girls can shoot ping pong balls and stuff, like Stan Hope has that joke, or that bit rather, about when he was in Thailand and he went to some crazy lady who shoots bananas out of her pussy. | ||
| She's like, would put the banana in and then chop it up, spitting it out one piece at a time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| How about them apples? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| How about that clampdown? | ||
| It's pretty impressive. | ||
| It might not be totally true. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Doug may have embellished a bit. | ||
| They might have played a scam on him, too. | ||
| They might have sliced it up in advance. | ||
| Either way, anybody shooting anything out of their vagina is pretty goddamn impressive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It can be done. | ||
| It should fall out of a vagina. | ||
| Basically, you should stand up and it should just fall out on the floor. | ||
| That's the way a pussy should work. | ||
| So if you're doing anything above that, you're impressive with your pussy. | ||
| I was reading this article that this woman wrote, and I really wish I remember who she was. | ||
| But she was arguing that size doesn't matter because if a chick isn't lazy, she can work on her pussy muscles to the point where she could enjoy any dick. | ||
| I don't know if that's true or not, but she was kind of like... | ||
| I'll tell you what she was doing. | ||
| She was loose vagina shaming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's what she was doing. | ||
| She was shaming all these girls for not having the effort to also, while sending a signal out, telling guys she's got a tight pussy. | ||
| Or she was also telling that guy she's been dating whose cock is small and she knows it's small. | ||
| She was trying to make him feel better, so she's built her whole philosophy around, I'm not an idiot dating a guy with a little dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I'm not lazy, so I can enjoy him too. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Plus, it's easier to suck, and he's probably really good at eating pussy. | ||
| Oh my God, yeah. | ||
| Someone just told me, some girl just told me a story yesterday, we had dinner, about a guy with a tiny, like a microcock, and she opened her fingers about three inches wide. | ||
| I'm like, was it that long? | ||
| And she goes, yeah. | ||
| And I'm like, how was it? | ||
| And she's like, oh, it was fucking awful. | ||
| I couldn't feel it. | ||
| And I love the honesty. | ||
| I hate when women go, oh, it didn't matter. | ||
| Of course it matters. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course it matters. | |
| Yeah, this woman was talking about that, too. | ||
| Here's where size matters is that women want to feel stuffed. | ||
| You want to feel stretched out. | ||
| She's like, but you can achieve that feeling by tightening your pussy muscles. | ||
| But I think you might have a point there. | ||
| Maybe it's a combination of all those things. | ||
| Maybe there is no right answer. | ||
| Maybe, you know, her pussy is okay and her boyfriend's dick is okay. | ||
| It's just a combination of all of these things. | ||
| And maybe she really is loose vagina shaming. | ||
| That's a possibility, too. | ||
| She might let all these bitches know, my pussy's Down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Squeezy. | |
| It's all squeezy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a squeezy box. | |
| I don't like a pussy that's too snug. | ||
| I like a bit of a sloppy... | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Yeah, not loose, but a bit of a fucking horror show. | ||
| It makes me happy. | ||
| You like extra lip and some extra meat flopping around. | ||
| It drives me crazy. | ||
| You like that, huh? | ||
| I'm trying not to... | ||
| You know, it's funny, man. | ||
| I talk so much about my sexual shit. | ||
| I'm trying now to be a good boy again. | ||
| Like, I'm only four days in to, like, no... | ||
| I'm trying not to do porn. | ||
| I'm trying not to dirty intrigue texts. | ||
| It's very... | ||
| I'm blocking so much shit by doing that. | ||
| It's almost like I feel connected to nobody. | ||
| I'm always disconnected. | ||
| I don't ever feel like I'm with another person for real. | ||
| I always feel like I'm just looking at them through a window. | ||
| So I kind of want to connect and I know I'm blocking myself. | ||
| I know that by living this way, this constant fucking obsession and this constant thing for money is blocking me from really living with people. | ||
| That's fascinating. | ||
| So, the constant looking for prostitutes and the prostitute relationship blocks you from having honest relationships with people. | ||
| Yeah, because I came into... | ||
| This is the first time I've ever traveled without a computer. | ||
| Like, I have two computers now. | ||
| I got a newer Mac laptop, and I said, this would be my good boy computer. | ||
| I literally have nothing in there that I'm ashamed of. | ||
| You could open my work computer... | ||
| And there's not one dirty fucking photo on it. | ||
| There's nothing. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| It's just work. | ||
| You're a good boy. | ||
| I'm trying. | ||
| And the other one, well, you know. | ||
| It's a fucking horror show. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| It's like the West Shore Expressway. | ||
| So what you do is put tape around it. | ||
| And if you break the seal, then you know you're fucked up. | ||
| You gotta seal it up. | ||
| You gotta seal it up like a vault. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And have it be a symbol of your sobriety. | ||
| Well, I got too much stuff on it that I need. | ||
| There's too many real photos on it. | ||
| I gotta clear it off eventually. | ||
| But if you start looking, you start beating off. | ||
| Dude, that's the problem. | ||
| And I can't delete all my shit, so I actually have an external hard drive that is coded. | ||
| It's a passcode, and I have it in a bank vault. | ||
| Because I'm not ready to throw it all out yet, but eventually I will. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| You brought it to a bank? | ||
| Yeah, I have a bank wall. | ||
| I have papers in there and stuff. | ||
| So my phone has got a few dirty things on it, but I'm going to get rid of them. | ||
| I want to know what's going to happen. | ||
| I haven't been like that my whole life. | ||
| It's almost like there's times where I feel like just put it down. | ||
| You feel like you're buzzing. | ||
| Normally I get off the plane from LA and the first thing I'm doing is texting dirty and I'm trying to go to the hotel and fucking look for all this shit and go to Eros and go to this one and set something up. | ||
| So I have no connection with my manager or my friends out here. | ||
| There's no real communication because all I'm thinking about is what I'm going to do after and I've got to end this fast so I can go there. | ||
| It's like a fucking drug and it's like now I just want to stop I'll tell you why. | ||
| I did a scene recently. | ||
| I had a scene in a show called The Nick. | ||
| It was a scene with Clive Owen. | ||
| It was a very brief scene. | ||
| And I think I did okay in it. | ||
| But it was only like five lines. | ||
| I was ready. | ||
| I was prepared. | ||
| I knew my lines. | ||
| I showed up on time. | ||
| And I felt good about it, but I didn't feel great. | ||
| And I didn't feel 100% connected during the scene. | ||
| And I'm like, what am I so disconnected from? | ||
| I'm not fucking scared to act with this guy. | ||
| I can stand in front of people and fucking do what I do. | ||
| There's no reason I can't do a few lines with this person and feel connected. | ||
| It wasn't like that kind of an intimidation. | ||
| It was just like I realized like even in my most comfortable, when I'm prepared, I'm disconnected. | ||
| The guy named Dove David told me that years ago. | ||
| He goes, you'd be a really good actor. | ||
| He goes, but whatever is blocking you. | ||
| He goes, you got something. | ||
| All you got to do is get rid of what's blocking. | ||
| And I've thought about that for years. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Every time I see stupid Dove, I want to tell him. | ||
| I still think about that. | ||
| Stupid dog. | ||
| But you know what I mean? | ||
| It's like I see him all the time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it's like that fucking, that thing blocking you, where you feel like I'm just not, there's nothing I'm gonna do that makes me feel like I'm a part of this group. | ||
| Well, you should probably add something to your life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What you should do is probably add, like, a new thing to be obsessed with. | ||
| You know, like, take up a hobby. | ||
| Start doing something that, like, not something that doesn't sort of have a real end goal, but something that you enjoy participating in. | ||
| Like, some sort of a... | ||
| Just to do it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you know, for some people it's working out, but working out seems like kind of like... | ||
| If you do it for that reason, just like, this is my new addiction, working out. | ||
| It seems like you're... | ||
| Unless you, like, really wholeheartedly dive into it, it seems like you're gonna get bored with just, like, lifting weights and running at the gym, unless that's your thing. | ||
| You know, I think that's kind of gotta be done for the benefits of the exercise, if you're really gonna get psycho about that. | ||
| But maybe a sport or a hobby or something, or, I mean, something... | ||
| Like a game or even a martial art or something. | ||
| Something where you're practicing something that you enjoy. | ||
| I want to read more. | ||
| You know, like Bill Burr. | ||
| We had Bill Burr in recently and he's flying helicopters now. | ||
| And I'm like, this is what your friends are doing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, as a healthy guy. | ||
| Bill got married. | ||
| I mean, Bill was never a hunk of shit sexually that I know of. | ||
| But, you know, here's a guy with a... | ||
| A hunk of shit. | ||
| But, you know what I mean? | ||
| He was always like a pretty straight and narrow guy. | ||
| And he marries a nice girl and he has a... | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| Why do you have no thing in your life like that? | ||
| Like a hobby. | ||
| Just a normal thing. | ||
| Like, hey, guy wants to fly. | ||
| I got nothing but time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm done with the radio at 10 in the morning, and I want to read more. | ||
| I literally can't read anymore. | ||
| I'm so wired up, and I literally have my phone right here. | ||
| It's constant. | ||
| So I started reading a little bit more. | ||
| I'm trying just to shut my brain down. | ||
| Why don't you go to a flip phone? | ||
| That's what Ari did. | ||
| I saw Ari there, but there's too many legit things I do with it. | ||
| I send a lot of real texts, and I do like Twitter, and I do like being able to check my email and play chess, and all these things that are not deviant or piggish. | ||
| A flip phone would annoy me more than it would help me, I think. | ||
| You need a Jesus app. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| A Jesus app. | ||
| You need something that overwhelms your phone and only lets you use the apps that are wholesome. | ||
| And in order to use that Jesus app, you probably have to unblock it. | ||
| You probably have to put all your fingerprints in or something. | ||
| Ari's upgraded a little bit. | ||
| Ari's upgraded his phone? | ||
| He's on some Samsung Alias 2 bullshit that's still an old fucking iPhone wannabe piece of shit flip phone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| He texted me, asked me if he could get a pocket camera, and I said, yeah, get an iPhone. | ||
| And he's got this, he's like, no, I've got this new Samsung Alias deal. | ||
| It's almost a shitty iPhone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's going back. | |
| He will go back. | ||
| It's too hard not to in this day and age. | ||
| You just got to manage it. | ||
| You can't ignore the new technology. | ||
| It's like ignoring a car because you drive too much. | ||
| You just got to balance it. | ||
| So does his new shitty phone have apps? | ||
| Show me this new shitty phone. | ||
| This is it? | ||
| So he got something with a keypad? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but it's got little programs on it. | |
| Let me see. | ||
| Like what apps? | ||
| What are we talking about here? | ||
| This is a flip phone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it looks like that. | |
| How does it... | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Oh, how weird. | ||
| Is it touchscreen or all arrow on the... | ||
| Oh, so it goes up and back? | ||
| It goes both ways? | ||
| How weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I remember this piece of shit. | ||
| This came out like many... | ||
| I might have had one of these fucking things. | ||
| I might have. | ||
| I wonder if that was still in the stylus era. | ||
| What's wrong with him? | ||
| The stylus on the Note 4, have you ever tried that? | ||
| The Samsung Note 4? | ||
| Oh my god, the Galaxy Note 4. It's fucking amazing. | ||
| Is it better than the iPhone 6? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, the iPhone 6 is a better phone. | ||
| It's just better construction, the apps work better, the camera's better. | ||
| But the stylus on the Note 4 is pretty slick. | ||
| You could circle things and it has options. | ||
| You could copy pictures, send them to your folder. | ||
| You could save them with the stylus. | ||
| Say if you're online and you're looking at something, you could just scroll it with the stylus and the stylus will take that photo. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| And then you could also, like, write notes on pictures and send them to people. | ||
| Like, this is you, stupid. | ||
| You could draw a dick and cum coming out of it and put it on someone's picture and just send it to them within seconds. | ||
| You could write, like... | ||
| I used to write all my stand-up notes by hand. | ||
| And they even save to Evernote by hand. | ||
| It's kind of slick. | ||
| So, like, when I go into my notes... | ||
| I have certain notes in here that are all done from the Galaxy Note 4. So they're all done by hand. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So it's like my handwriting. | ||
| It's not just... | ||
| But it's my handwriting on a little computer. | ||
| Don't you like... | ||
| I have a note thing, too. | ||
| I talk my notes into it. | ||
| I talk my notes. | ||
| I like just talking a joke idea into it. | ||
| Half the time, it misspells it, but it's so much easier, and I find I do so many more ideas that way. | ||
| I prepare so much more for interviews when I'm just reading a book and spitting notes, and I just email them to myself and print them. | ||
| Yeah, I know what you mean. | ||
| The software now is so good at picking up your words. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| Whenever I sign something Jim, my dumb phone writes Jen Norton. | ||
| Sometimes your phone is just a cunt. | ||
| It's like, how stupid are you? | ||
| How many times have I said this? | ||
| You don't know that Jim is J-I-M. I have a Lexus that has a navigation feature that you're supposed to, you know, take me to 118 Hollywood Boulevard. | ||
| It's fucking never right! | ||
| No. | ||
| I mean, never! | ||
| I mean, it's so bad! | ||
| I mean, I try to talk very clearly so that it understands me, and it never gets it right. | ||
| I have to do it three, four times, and usually I wind up pulling over. | ||
| It's one of those ones that won't let you enter it in, because it thinks you're a fucking baby. | ||
| You can't do it while you're driving, so you have to pull over, stop your car, and then you can enter an address. | ||
| Or you could use the voice feature. | ||
| The voice feature sucks a thousand dicks. | ||
| It's really bad. | ||
| Yeah, that's the word. | ||
| It brings out such a rage. | ||
| Like, how do you not have this figured out? | ||
| But the voice feature on your phone, which is Bluetoothed into your car anyway, is amazing. | ||
| The Siri, like, Siri, take me to Mann's Chinese Theater on Hollywood Boulevard. | ||
| Mann's Chinese Theater. | ||
| Would you like directions? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Boom. | ||
| You're on your way. | ||
| I mean, it's really that good. | ||
| I'll tell you what's frustrating about Siri, though, is when you're talking into it, you need a Wi-Fi connection or whatever, or a good connection. | ||
| When you do a whole thing, you know, and I feel like, you know, I just don't know what I want to do with my life. | ||
| I fire out a whole fucking chapter, and I look, and that fucking cocksucker circle is still spinning, and I realize nothing has been said. | ||
| Like, it's just waiting to find somewhere to grab the information from. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So there's times where you've got to just talk. | ||
| I finally realized you can say comma. | ||
| Like when I'm writing, you can go comma, period. | ||
| So I always have to keep stopping it and doing it. | ||
| Yeah, exclamation point. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's really good for that notepad feature. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| The one that's native to the iPhone? | ||
| I don't know, just notes. | ||
| I have another one that I used. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| There's benefits to both platforms, I think, Android and iPhone. | ||
| And I like both of them. | ||
| What I like about Android is that it's open, and that pretty much anybody can create apps for them, and there's just so much more variety. | ||
| There's a lot of goddamn people who use it. | ||
| What you don't like about iPhone is that it's difficult to get your app approved for the App Store, but that's also why so many of these things work so well. | ||
| I think in some way it stifles innovation in a small way. | ||
| You're tethered to the Apple, maybe, but they have such a pursuit of excellence. | ||
| So I can totally see it from their point of view. | ||
| And ultimately, the end product is better. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But I use two phones. | ||
| I use this phone for my home stuff, my personal stuff, and then I use a Samsung Galaxy S5, which is waterproof. | ||
| I like it a lot, man. | ||
| I have one of those. | ||
| I never fell in love with it. | ||
| I like it a lot. | ||
| There's a lot of good features to it. | ||
| I think the size is about the right size because this is like five and a half inches. | ||
| The other one's five inches. | ||
| I think five inches is the right size. | ||
| Yeah, they have another newer version that's probably the same as the iPhone 6 Plus. | ||
| Yeah, the 6, the Galaxy S6. It's just coming out, I think, like in a week or so. | ||
| Oh, I don't know, they gave us a bunch of, they give us phones at Galaxy, and they're not bad phones, but for me, I'm just, this is, I think there's only one you can just go, that's my phone. | ||
| Like, you know what I mean? | ||
| I try both platforms, and it's like, ah, fuck it. | ||
| But meanwhile, if we had an, if you had an Android, and that was the only option when they first came out, like, when the iPhone came out, you'd be like, oh my god, this is fucking amazing! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're just so used to how good the iPhones are now that it makes it difficult for almost everybody else. | ||
| But even the old iPhones look shitty. | ||
| I see somebody with a small iPhone, I'm like, where are you from, 1930? | ||
| Get a new fucking phone! | ||
| Especially the one. | ||
| You see that hunk of shit. | ||
| Look at this stupid aluminum looking fucking sack of shit. | ||
| No flash in the camera. | ||
| Dog shit. | ||
| Yeah, Steve Jobs really bugged me. | ||
| That was on purpose. | ||
| No flash. | ||
| Fucking ass. | ||
| But they made a dope phone. | ||
| I mean, they changed the whole game. | ||
| That was only like 2007. It's hard to believe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| That pre-2007 we all existed without smartphones. | ||
| You think of stuff that you ever watched. | ||
| I watched a movie from the 80s and I started thinking... | ||
| A lot of people have died in 1989. That person never made a cell phone call. | ||
| They missed so much by dying in 1989 or 1990. You watch a movie and it just seems so primitive. | ||
| How did everybody stay in touch without a phone? | ||
| Wherever you are, you think it can never get more advanced than this. | ||
| Five years from now, you're like, what a douche I was. | ||
| I was out in the wilderness by myself. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You remember calling people on the phone and being psyched when they were home? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| When they weren't home, you just kept calling? | ||
| Yeah, ring, ring, ring, or machine? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you remember Party Line? | ||
| We had a Party Line. | ||
| Did you ever have one of those? | ||
| No, what's that? | ||
| In Edison, New Jersey, when I lived there, I was a kid, and you would get a call. | ||
| It was either for us or the upstairs people. | ||
| And I think it rang different for the Nortons or for the people upstairs. | ||
| So if you were quiet, you could just pick it up and listen in. | ||
| And then you could listen to someone's conversation from upstairs, and sometimes they'd go, I'm on the phone! | ||
| And you'd have to go, oh, okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But different families, they shared a line. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, I think it was called a, I don't know if it was a party line, I believe it was called a party line, but it was. | ||
| Nothing to do with like 900 numbers. | ||
| And did that just make it like less expensive or is this the only option? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| I think again, this is in the late 70s when I was, you know, 10, 11, 9 years old. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't remember that at all. | ||
| I don't know if I experienced that. | ||
| That might have been on the East Coast. | ||
| I was on the West Coast back then. | ||
| I was on the West Coast from my age 7 to 10. Where? | ||
| I was living in San Francisco. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I guess 7 to 11. At 11 to 13, yeah. | ||
| 7 to 11 in San Francisco, 11 to 13 in Florida, and then Boston. | ||
| Yeah, so they didn't have the party lines back then. | ||
| I don't know if they had or if it was just for poorer people. | ||
| We weren't poor, but we didn't have a lot of money. | ||
| I mean, my dad think we had to work at that point, or he was in and out of work from trucking, so maybe that was probably just a money-saving thing. | ||
| We were pretty poor back then. | ||
| We were on welfare. | ||
| We drank powdered milk, the whole deal. | ||
| I don't know if I've ever had powdered milk. | ||
| It sucks, right? | ||
| It's not good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's also, like, very nerve-wracking when you're a kid and you know that it's down to powdered milk, you know? | ||
| And you know that, like, times really are tough. | ||
| It's just, it's a creepy feeling. | ||
| You're like, whoa, are we gonna run out of food? | ||
| You know, like, people would freak out if you ate too much. | ||
| It's like, you know, being poor is very stressful to everybody. | ||
| Like, and in comparison to the rest of the world, you're rich. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We talked about this before on the show we have not you but the 1% everybody uses that that term the 1% top 1% of ruining everything to be 1% Globally the top 1% globally all you need to make is $34,000 a year Wow I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's, I mean, I wouldn't say if you made $34,000 a year you're poor, but it's not rich. | ||
| It's certainly, you're in trouble if you have a family. | ||
| If you're making $34,000 a year and you have children to feed, that's a fucking, that's not a lot of money. | ||
| I guess it all depends on where you live, too. | ||
| Even if you're single in New York, or, you know, you make a $34,000 a year, it's very hard to find a comfortable living space in New York and have a good life there if you're only making $34,000 a year. | ||
| It's almost impossible. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| It's almost impossible just for your rent. | ||
| Your rent might be $34,000 a year. | ||
| Jesus Christ, $34,000 a year is only, what is that, a little bit more than $2,000 a month? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Good luck! | ||
| Good fucking luck finding an apartment in New York for $2,000 a month. | ||
| Good fucking luck! | ||
| Did you ever see where I lived before I came? | ||
| We did a Cribs on Open Anthony in like 2001 when I lived in Florentine. | ||
| And there was fucking black mold. | ||
| We split a $900 rent between me, him, and his girlfriend at the time. | ||
| And when you walk in, there's video of it. | ||
| They did like a Jim Norton Cribs. | ||
| And the old producer, Rick and Steve, came to my apartment. | ||
| And I thought it was a great place. | ||
| I had no idea what a fucking cesspool I lived in. | ||
| And when you look, there was a picture on the wall of when you moved it, black mold. | ||
| I don't know if you can bring that up. | ||
| It's a video. | ||
| You don't want the volume, but you can see it for... | ||
| That's my old place. | ||
| There's fucking... | ||
| You can zip in a little bit. | ||
| As we're walking up these steps here, this was Cliffside Park, New Jersey. | ||
| Where'd you guys live? | ||
| This was Cliffside Park, New Jersey, upstairs, about six miles from New York. | ||
| You could see the river from the end of the block. | ||
| Cliffside Park. | ||
| That's all black mold on the wall. | ||
| And up in the corners. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That shit's really bad for you. | ||
| I wonder if that contributed to my breathing problems, because I'm such a bad sleeper. | ||
| I guarantee you it did. | ||
| But look at it leaking from fucking down... | ||
| From that picture? | ||
| Behind the picture, yeah. | ||
| We do move the picture, and I hope it's right now. | ||
| Yeah, I think we do move it. | ||
| It doesn't... | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| Brace yourself, it says. | ||
| Yeah, they put that fucking 2000 graphic. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's all black mold? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Holy shit, Jim. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's really bad for you, man. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Why is it behind that picture like that? | ||
| I think we had a very leaky living room. | ||
| When you looked, that was my room. | ||
| That was Florentine's office. | ||
| When you looked, I had a... | ||
| We had a very leaky living room, which you might see, like, we had rain coming in all the time. | ||
| We used to put, like, four or five buckets in the living room and it would rain. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And it was, yeah, that was our living room. | ||
| That was where I lived. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did Florentine suffer the same sort of cardiovascular problems? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| You know, like, he had... | ||
| Jim had so much black mold in his bedroom. | ||
| He had... | ||
| That was the roof. | ||
| It's almost caving in. | ||
| Jim had fucking tinfoil against the whole bottom third of his wall just so the black mold he couldn't see it. | ||
| What? | ||
| What? | ||
| You know what I think, too, part of my breathing problems were? | ||
| I think part of my breathing problems are the way I fucking sexually edge. | ||
| I've thought of that. | ||
| All that jerking off, and a lot of times I hold my breath. | ||
| I don't even know I'm doing it when I'm jerking off. | ||
| And I'm like, your breathing fucked up, man. | ||
| I really think that that messed up my biorhythms or whatever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| My sleep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You fucked up your sleep by edging? | |
| It's so much like right before bed. | ||
| If I do something dirty and I jerk off, I can't sleep, I'm wired. | ||
| I think I fucked myself up. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Well, I know that that black mold stuff definitely can have an effect on you. | ||
| Tom Likas had that in his house and he had to demolish like half of his fucking house. | ||
| Did it make it? | ||
| He was sick all the time. | ||
| He felt like shit all the time. | ||
| He like just felt terrible. | ||
| His immune system was just fucked and he couldn't figure out what was up and then he did some tests and he found out his house was infected with black mold. | ||
| How long did he live like that? | ||
| Because I was there for about three years maximum. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| I've been out since 2002. Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I don't know how much of a pain in the ass it was or how long it lasted or what, but I know that it was an issue. | ||
| I don't know the specifics, but I know that he had to demolish a large portion of his house. | ||
| It's a big deal. | ||
| They have to cut the windows out, and cut the doors out, and cut the walls out, and then spray everything for this fucking mold shit, and kill all this mold. | ||
| And they have to make sure they kill all of it. | ||
| It's really bad for you. | ||
| Yeah, it's super bad for you. | ||
| That stuff, like, all over your walls like that? | ||
| Like, you guys were essentially walking through, like, air that was tainted by that fungus. | ||
| Can you, can you, like, I have trouble taking deep breath once in a while, like... | ||
| I can now but then I feel like I get something stops me and I can't like Anthony had a great way who said you Anthony Kumi is such a great way of describing anything and he said yeah you have trouble getting that last click and that's a deep breath for clicks and you had that final full breath yeah but there's times where I can't get to that full click like I get that a lot when I'm laying down and I have to prop myself up on my right elbow and And then I can take a deep breath. | ||
| So I don't know if things are sitting wrong inside or whatever. | ||
| Well, you know, you can do breathing exercises. | ||
| I'm not really an expert in these. | ||
| I've fucked with them a little bit. | ||
| And I do a version of them when I do the isolation tank sometimes where I'll take a one-minute breath in and then a one-minute breath out. | ||
| And so I drag my inward breath for one minute. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| And then I drag my outward breath for one minute. | ||
| And it requires a lot of discipline because you start panicking. | ||
| You know start panicking especially when you're breathing it out because you got to push out the whole breath You know so if I'm breathing in like I don't want to I don't want to give everybody the boring two-minute version of it, but I literally would go like this I'll like clean my system out and get ready and then I'll I | ||
| don't know how long that was, but the first in was probably only about 30 seconds, probably about half. | ||
| Yeah, I started getting, I was panicking. | ||
| About half of what I do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was panicking watching. | |
| So I do a full minute. | ||
| Are you really breathing out? | ||
| Because what happens is I'll take a deep breath, and then like 10 seconds into that, my body goes, you're full, and I'm finished. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I fucking can't stand it. | |
| You just gotta do it slow. | ||
| So like if you look at the seven right now on that clock right there and just start right there And just give yourself a Give yourself a little break and go God this is a boring podcast I'm not breathing out but I am Yeah, I just stopped because you're right. | ||
| It's like literally people listening to me breathe, and if they were me, they'd be hoping I stopped. | ||
| Just try it, folks. | ||
| Just give it a try. | ||
| Give it a try. | ||
| And once you get it down, then the way I do it in an isolation tank is I do a 60 count. | ||
| A count in my head while I'm breathing in slow. | ||
| It's fucking hard. | ||
| It's hard to hold your breath for a minute. | ||
| It seems like it shouldn't be. | ||
| It seems like, well, the guys that have the world records, they hold their breath for like seven minutes or some shit like that. | ||
| Like David Blaine, didn't he hold his breath for like a... | ||
| 14-minute time period. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he really? | |
| Yeah, he had some world record breath. | ||
| I think there's like a caveat to that. | ||
| He might have ingested some oxygen before he did or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
17 minutes. | |
| 17 minutes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| If you ingest oxygen, that helps. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Brian Count told me that. | ||
| Take it with a grain of salt. | ||
| Is that what he did? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think so, yeah. | |
| We were literally just breathing on the radio. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| We were just taking deep breaths. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was terrible. | |
| Well, luckily it wasn't the radio. | ||
| Yeah, it was on broadcast. | ||
| Our boss would go, what the fuck is wrong with you, Tim? | ||
| Yeah, what was that? | ||
| But it's a good discipline for breath. | ||
| And there's all sorts of different yoga breathing called pranayama and a bunch of other different names they have for different styles of breathing. | ||
| But breath exercises are like you can exercise your lungs with like deep breathing exercises where you actually strengthen your lungs. | ||
| And you can condition your lungs, and you can get used to breathing in a way. | ||
| They have a type of breathing they call shamanic breathwork, where you can go into psychedelic states, like real drug-induced states, with no drugs. | ||
| And you can do it all from this, what do they call it, holo-something breathing? | ||
| Holotropic breathing, is that it? | ||
| I've never done it, but Aubrey, my friend Aubrey's done it a bunch of times. | ||
| How long does it take you to get that way? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's a good question. | ||
| But I think if you took a class in it, you know, someone could show you how to do it. | ||
| My nose is so stuffy. | ||
| I can't breathe for shit. | ||
| Holotropic breathing is a practice that uses breathing and other elements to putatively, never use that word, allow access to non-ordinary states of consciousness. | ||
| It was developed by Stanislav Grof. | ||
| A successor to his LSD-based psychedelic therapy following the suppression of legal LSD use in the late 1960s. | ||
| Oh, that's interesting. | ||
| So he came up with that. | ||
| Wow! | ||
| What a fucking genius that guy is. | ||
| I wonder if the fact he did a lot of acid before that helped. | ||
| I bet. | ||
| He was always one step away from just being out of his fucking mind. | ||
| Just takes two deep breaths and he's high again. | ||
| He's trying to teach the rest of us how to do it. | ||
| The acid probably told him how to teach people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, the acid's like, listen man, we're going to go away for a little bit. | ||
| It's going to be a while. | ||
| People are going to still talk about us, but it's going to be a few years. | ||
| Probably until the 2000s when really people just say, why exactly is this stuff illegal again? | ||
| But until then, you can do this. | ||
| I wonder if it's just like a lot of, you know, you stand up too fast after breathing too fast, you can't like, this is how fucking much it's, I don't sleep for shit, I've bitched about my dumb sleep apnea for years, but I literally will go to the gym to work out, and my trainer has me do, like literally sometimes walking up the steps, I'm tired. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, it's fucking awful. | ||
| No, you still have the sleep apnea issue? | ||
| I have so many masks. | ||
| So many fans have sent me masks because I'm a stuffy nose. | ||
| I hate my fucking nose so much, you have no idea. | ||
| It's always congested. | ||
| You got a deviated septum operation. | ||
| Oh yeah, I got it fixed. | ||
| Nothing happened? | ||
| Didn't help it? | ||
| It helped it, but now instead of being completely stuffed all the time, it's partially stuffed most of the time. | ||
| It's much better because I have allergies, but I can't get used to the masks because I'm claustrophobic, which fucking stinks. | ||
| You should probably live in Arizona. | ||
| You should force Opie to move to Arizona to do the show. | ||
| It's dry air. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know if that would help, though. | ||
| A lot of hookers. | ||
| Yeah, I was in there recently in Phoenix. | ||
| Did I partake? | ||
| I don't think I did. | ||
| No, I was a good boy in Phoenix. | ||
| You good boy. | ||
| I was a good boy. | ||
| No hooking in Phoenix. | ||
| I like Phoenix. | ||
| It's a fun fucking town. | ||
| They're wild ass people. | ||
| It's an interesting town that doesn't get enough respect. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have a good goddamn time there. | ||
| I wanted to hang out with Warren Sapp. | ||
| What a weekend he had in fucking Phoenix. | ||
| Yeah, he had a good weekend. | ||
| Would it involve cocaine and prostitution? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There was two girls. | ||
| I feel like there was some prostitution involved. | ||
| He was arrested because there was an altercation in his room. | ||
| And these girls, I guess he filmed them sucking his dick on his phone and they wanted more money. | ||
| But I wish I could have sat down with them and said, Warren, sometimes when a girl is like that and she's freaking out and they want a few extra hundred and they'll leave, you gotta do it. | ||
| Because you're paying... | ||
| Yeah, it's shitty and it's not part of the deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But you are... | ||
| If they want, I want $10,000, that's different. | ||
| Yeah, that's bullshit. | ||
| Yeah, it is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's bullshit. | |
| It's a bad business practice. | ||
| Demand to see her manager. | ||
| So, maybe I'm confusing his story, and I believe I am, with Mike Tyson's story, because he was arrested in Phoenix, and he had cocaine on him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When? | |
| But this was a long time ago. | ||
| Oh, yeah, no, this was this possible... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This past year, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And he lost his gig because he shoved the woman or whatever, allegedly. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| But there was an altercation between them and him. | ||
| And I've had that where you can feel, because I don't drink, so maybe I have a better sense for it. | ||
| Like, if you're drunk, you might be fucking not thinking. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you can feel when it's about to go to a weird place. | ||
| And a lot of times, you've got to back out and be calm. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, I had a girl on time, we would just text dirty. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Shit all the time, and she was threatening. | ||
| She didn't know who I was as a comedian, so she was threatening to expose me for my dirty fantasies. | ||
| And none of them were things that would be that. | ||
| They were slightly embarrassing, but none of them were horrific. | ||
| She was threatening to expose you? | ||
| She wanted money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| And I kind of said to her, I'm like, first of all, everyone I know knows I'm a pervert. | ||
| Everyone that hears you on the radio she was on the radio all the people that oh She didn't know yeah like you have no idea the person you're actually talking to right now So I'm like do what you have to do, but you've literally just made a fucking have committed a felony through text You're trying to blackmail me for money a dope show that yes, | ||
| I'm like, but then she's like well I wouldn't do it but somebody would I'm like whatever it is I'm like you're attempting to blackmail me, but I wasn't even mad at her But I said to her this is the point I said to her look Why don't we both just talk tomorrow when we have clearer heads and we're not... | ||
| Let's not fight. | ||
| I said, let's walk away. | ||
| I didn't say, you fucking cunt... | ||
| Because sometimes you got to... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love this. | |
| Yeah, I was pointing. | ||
| People on the... | ||
| But I said, you got to give people an out once in a while. | ||
| And that's what Warren Sapp in that moment probably didn't do. | ||
| He was probably so angry and like, fuck you, bitch, and fuck you. | ||
| And then they're arguing. | ||
| And instead of realizing, I got a gig and the cops are going to show up, give her the out. | ||
| All right, look... | ||
| I don't want to fight with you. | ||
| Let's calm down. | ||
| Here's an extra 300. Let's walk away. | ||
| Maybe we'll talk tomorrow and do it again. | ||
| Then she thinks she might have some more money coming in tomorrow. | ||
| She might actually be amenable to not screaming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So whatever. | |
| I've also heard there was trannies that blackmailed rappers that wanted $30,000 in the lobby. | ||
| I've heard stories of that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Wow, $30,000? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I've had a few trannies tell me that. | ||
| They're like, yeah, you know, there's been rappers or whatever that fucking got blackmailed by girls. | ||
| They start freaking out in the lobby, and the guy's like, all right, come back up. | ||
| And they want money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Being a rapper is a lot of pressure, man. | ||
| Being a comic, nobody cares what the fuck you do. | ||
| Being a rapper has got to be a motherfucker. | ||
| Why is there more pressure? | ||
| Because they're not meeting image-wise and stuff. | ||
| Oh, yeah, and if they're into the weird shit. | ||
| Yeah, you can't show weakness. | ||
| You can't... | ||
| Eminem can self-deprecate, but that whole side of psychology is harder for those guys, because it's seen as weakness, and it's always got to be you and partying with a fat-ass girl in a car, and I came from nothing, and now I'm the shit, and fuck you, and it's like, God damn! | ||
| Started from the bottom, now we're here. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good one. | ||
| That's a catchy fucking tune. | ||
| Started from the bottom, now the whole team here. | ||
| Oh, boy, is that a good one. | ||
| Yeah, it's a smart move. | ||
| Yeah, it's a weird culture. | ||
| It's a culture of machismo. | ||
| It's like one of the most macho forms of music ever in a lot of ways, right? | ||
| More than rock. | ||
| I mean, they have ballads too, but I would say... | ||
| But the guys that were doing it was shooting each other. | ||
| The guys in rock were never known in being a culture where their friends were getting shot. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's a difference. | ||
| They took it to a totally new place. | ||
| The rap game, and especially gangsta rap, I mean, they made, like, East Coast, West Coast rivalries involve gunfights. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, that shit never existed before. | ||
| Where was there ever a guy in rock and roll that was, like, openly like Suge Knight? | ||
| There really wasn't. | ||
| Phil Spector was as close as you're coming. | ||
| He wasn't a gangster. | ||
| He was just a fucking kook. | ||
| And the Hendrix manager. | ||
| Hendrix had a manager that apparently, according to a guy who was once one of their roadies or their security guys, whatever the fuck it was, he just put out a book saying that he thinks that not only did the manager kill Hendrix, but he killed Hendrix's girlfriend, too. | ||
| She's dead, I guess. | ||
| Yeah, Hendrix's girlfriend was... | ||
| She fell or was pushed off of a roof in Soho, like, right after Hendrix died. | ||
| And, you know, the idea was that she committed suicide, or she knew too much and she was killed. | ||
| I doubt that he... | ||
| Here's what I would guess, knowing nothing other than what you just said... | ||
| She allowed Hendrix to die because she was afraid the cops would find the drugs in the room. | ||
| So that was why Hendrix died, because he could have been saved if she had just called the ambulance, but she didn't. | ||
| So the manager probably said, do you know how much money you cost me, you dumb fuck, and threw her off the roof? | ||
| If that's like Fort Apache, when Ayala throws that kid off the roof, it was probably like that. | ||
| That could have been the case. | ||
| The book was arguing that Hendricks was leaving the manager, and the manager had a stranglehold on Hendricks for a bunch of stupid reasons, and one of them was that he had faked a kidnapping. | ||
| He had kidnapped Jimmy and then rescued Jimmy. | ||
| He had some people kidnap him and then said, look, I rescued you. | ||
| You're gonna be fine. | ||
| I talked to the mob guys and everything's gonna be okay. | ||
| And this is what this guy who wrote the book Try to find that, Jamie. | ||
| Try to find... | ||
| It was really recent, like within the last year or so, this guy wrote this book. | ||
| And it was really fascinating. | ||
| I heard him being interviewed or read it. | ||
| I don't remember which. | ||
| But it's pretty interesting, the theories that this guy puts forth. | ||
| Is the manager alive now or dead? | ||
| I think the manager's dead, too, but the manager was a notorious criminal. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Like, undoubtedly a bad guy. | ||
| Naughty boy, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And they believed that he really did have Jimi Hendrix kidnapped, and then stepped in to save him, you know, to let him know, you know, you better have loyalty to me. | ||
| I'm going to keep you from all these bad guys. | ||
| I want to kidnap you. | ||
| And, you know, that's a crazy tactic to keep an artist in your stable. | ||
| Yeah, it's fairly brilliant, though. | ||
| I mean, if you had a Hendrix in your stable, you know, you gotta pull out all stops. | ||
| Well, I think he realized that. | ||
| I think he realized... | ||
| He probably signed him before he really hit, and then once he really hit, he's like, holy Jesus Christ, look what I got on my hands. | ||
| Only, like, the greatest rock and roll guy ever. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| So what this guy was saying, yeah, Booker, the man who saved Jimi Hendrix from the Mafia. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what I'm asking. | |
| American Desperado. | ||
| Mob kidnapping and water skiing mishap. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| I think that's just part of it. | ||
| Yeah, just look up Jimi Hendrix manager killed him. | ||
| Look up that and see if you find... | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| The sexist, racist history of SNL. I just looked at that headline. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| Good God. | ||
| How about Rolling Stone? | ||
| Boy, they shit the bed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they did. | |
| It's amazing how bad it is now. | ||
| That's what they get from putting the fucking Boston Bomber on the cover. | ||
| That, that was disgusting. | ||
| And then this new thing. | ||
| Well, not just they put him on the cover. | ||
| They put him on the cover looking cute. | ||
| A glamour shot! | ||
| A glamour shot! | ||
| Looking cute. | ||
| Yeah, in his new book, yeah, Rock Roadie, Wright claims that Jeffrey told him he plied Hendrix with pills and alcohol in order to kill him and claim on the guitar's life insurance. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who knows, man. | ||
| I wonder if that hotel room is still there or if that hotel is gone. | ||
| I know they took down the one where Bobby Kennedy was killed, the ambassador, is gone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just took that down and put a school there or something. | ||
| I wonder if that hotel still stands. | ||
| Look at this, but look at what he said. | ||
| I was in London the night of Jimmy's death. | ||
| We went around to Monica's hotel room, got a handful of pills and stuffed them in his mouth and poured a few bottles of red wine deep into his windpipe. | ||
| Well, doesn't that seem there would be like some sign of struggle? | ||
| Yeah, what was Hendricks doing? | ||
| Wouldn't there be like cuts on him or something? | ||
| Manager was allegedly worried that Hendricks was about to sack him. | ||
| He had recently taken out a life insurance policy of two million dollars. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| If that's true, that's wild. | ||
| But Jeffrey is the beneficiary. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| We gotta do it. | ||
| Jimmy was worth much more to him dead than alive. | ||
| Jeffrey's quoted is telling, right, that son of a bitch is gonna leave me. | ||
| If I lost him, I'd lose everything. | ||
| Ah, man, I don't know about all that. | ||
| Yeah, it's all hearsay. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, who knows? | ||
| That meant for a book? | ||
| Yeah, this guy wants to sell a book and he wants to make money. | ||
| The guy's dead. | ||
| The guy can't defend himself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| Meanwhile, we just spread that rumor. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| How about that, Jimmy? | ||
| That's how you do it. | ||
| But we did say allegedly. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| I love saying that. | ||
| It's a good word. | ||
| It's a good word. | ||
| Protect you in a lawsuit. | ||
| Oh boy, you want to throw out that allegedly? | ||
| Allegedly is always important. | ||
| It's a nice little buffer. | ||
| Yeah, I think even with allegedly, I wonder if... | ||
| By the way, totally off the subject before I forget. | ||
| Jones against... | ||
| Oh my god, Anthony Johnson. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| It's a good fight. | ||
| It's a very good fight. | ||
| It's all about whether or not Johnson can get a hold of Jones. | ||
| Because Jones is... | ||
| Very good at using his reach, better than anybody ever. | ||
| He's the very best at utilizing reach, and he's also very good at using techniques to keep people at bay. | ||
| He uses a straight arm all the time, which is not good because he pokes guys in the eye occasionally. | ||
| So he's got to make sure if he does do that, he puts palm to the forehead, fingers really pulled back, make sure that the fingers aren't an issue. | ||
| Because it's a legit technique that comes from Muay Thai. | ||
| In Muay Thai, you'll see a lot of that. | ||
| They push off and then a leg kick, push off elbow, push off punch, but there's a lot of pushing off. | ||
| Because they're doing different than boxing where they're utilizing all these other techniques like kicks and elbows and knees and stuff. | ||
| So pushing off and then pushing into clinching, all that is like a valid part of that style of striking. | ||
| And it's probably one of the most effective styles of striking. | ||
| Johnson's really fucking good at Muay Thai. | ||
| He's got a really good Dutch kickboxing coach, this guy Henry Hooft, who is the lead trainer of the Black Zillions, which is a Florida-based crew. | ||
| That has a lot of high-level strikers come through. | ||
| Tyrone Spong trains there. | ||
| Alistair Overeem was training there for a bit. | ||
| And they have a lot of big-name guys like Nicky Holtzkin, who's a famous Dutch guy who fights in glory. | ||
| And a bunch of other guys come in through there. | ||
| This is like Gokhan Saki. | ||
| Real, real high-level guys. | ||
| And so they all train in this one spot. | ||
| So Johnson is getting super high-level training in kickboxing. | ||
| There was pictures of him sparring with Rico Verhoeven. | ||
| Rico Verhoeven is the glory heavyweight champion of the world in kickboxing. | ||
| Bad motherfucker. | ||
| Just like super technical kickboxer. | ||
| So if Johnson's in there sparring with that guy on a daily basis, he's getting some super high quality striking training. | ||
| And Johnson has lethal power. | ||
| He's really a fucking strong dude, man. | ||
| He's a destroyer. | ||
| He's a destroyer. | ||
| His power is ridiculous, and it's incredible that this guy started off his career in the UFC at 170, and now he's at 205. At 205, he's just smashing people. | ||
| Not only did he not lose power going up 35 fucking pounds of competition weight, not even body weight. | ||
| There's a lot of guys like Hendrix. | ||
| They'll fight at 170. He'll get to 205 easy in the downtime because he just gets fat, eats a lot of fucking wild pigs and shit. | ||
| He's nutty. | ||
| He's a nutty Texas guy. | ||
| But Rumble would get up to that in meat. | ||
| He's got 205 pounds of fucking meat on him. | ||
| So he went from 170 to weight cut to 205, comfortable weight cut, and just smashing people. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's unprecedented. | ||
| No one's ever done it before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| No one's ever, like, gone up not just one weight class, but two weight classes and been a legit threat to the world title. | ||
| When are they fighting? | ||
| They are fighting in May. | ||
| That is May, um, what is the date? | ||
|
unidentified
|
23rd? | |
| Is it Vegas? | ||
| Yeah, May 23rd. | ||
| Come on down. | ||
| I may go for that one, man. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| Go down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come down. | |
| Come hang with us. | ||
| Tom Segura and Ari Shafir. | ||
| No, Tom Segura and Tony Hinchcliffe and I are doing the Ka Theater. | ||
| Oh, is that in MGM? Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I go out there. | ||
| It's the only thing I take off to do is to go see fights. | ||
| I take off for nothing else. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that's a hobby I have is I like to go to UFC and watch. | ||
| That's my only leisure activity. | ||
| Well, I tell people, like, one of the funnest times I ever had in Vegas was a time where I didn't have a gig scheduled, and it was you and me and Red Band and Bobby Kelly and Anthony. | ||
| Remember, we all went to see Dice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| Bobby Kelly was there too, right? | ||
| He was. | ||
| Yeah, he was. | ||
| And we all went to see Dice. | ||
| We all had a steak dinner like men. | ||
| We had a good fucking meal in us. | ||
| We went down to the Riviera and watched a show. | ||
| Hung out with Dice. | ||
| And Dice was all happy to see us. | ||
| We went backstage. | ||
| We were chilling in the green room. | ||
| We had a great fucking time. | ||
| That was a lot of fun. | ||
| That was a great fucking time. | ||
| It was really fun. | ||
| It was one of my funnest times ever in Vegas. | ||
| And it was also a time to sit like an audience member and just laugh. | ||
| We were just laughing like idiots. | ||
| Well, I watched you when I went out there. | ||
| I told you, yours is the first comedy show I sat through in years. | ||
| And I mean fucking years. | ||
| And it was fun to watch. | ||
| It was really enjoyable. | ||
| I might have seen The End of Ari, who I like, and then I watched you, and it made me laugh. | ||
| And it was kind of fun just to watch... | ||
| Somebody perform who I know and like and just enjoy it like you said as an audience member. | ||
| Well, I did the same to you and Austin. | ||
| I told you that you kind of changed my thinking about two things. | ||
| About the length of a set and also about too many dick jokes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because I would go, God damn, I got too many fucking dick jokes, Matt. | ||
| But I saw Norton killed, killed, killed. | ||
| 50 minutes, non-stop barrage of dick jokes, and I'm howling laughing. | ||
| I'm howling laughing. | ||
| And I remember thinking, you know what, I like that you just pound them for 50 minutes. | ||
| I was always like, I gotta do at least an hour 10, maybe an hour 20. I think an hour is my magic number. | ||
| Yeah, I do an hour now, about an hour. | ||
| That seems to be like the magic number, where people just get tired to listen to you. | ||
| So what I do is I bring good guys on the road with me, and the good guys do like at least a half an hour. | ||
| So either Hinchcliffe will do a half an hour, or if I have Hinchcliffe and Segura, they'll each do like 20 minutes. | ||
| So there's a nice variety of looks, and then I'll do like an hour, and it's a great show. | ||
| It's a big pack together, fast. | ||
| Like when I go to see a movie, I'm so happy with a kick-ass 90-minute movie. | ||
| That's good. | ||
| You don't have to give me a three hour movie, man. | ||
| I don't need a Lord of the Rings. | ||
| I don't need to drag that bitch out. | ||
| One and a half hours is a good number. | ||
| So seeing you and you crush for 50 minutes, it put it in my head. | ||
| I was like, you know what? | ||
| I really enjoyed that. | ||
| And as an audience member, I would really enjoy that. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I go through my phases where I'm really filthy or I'm not as dirty. | ||
| It all depends on what's happening in my life. | ||
| When I'm single like I am now, I'm dirtier because I'm doing more dirty shit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There's more stuff to report. | ||
| There's a special coming out Friday the 24th, which is why I'm in L.A. And I'm really happy with it. | ||
| You always have to say that about your latest project, but I actually really like this one, but I'm already moving on, because I've got to drop all that fucking material, and it's an hour of stuff that I no longer talk about. | ||
| You know, that's really fun. | ||
| It's fun to do. | ||
| I get scared every time I do it. | ||
| Every time I drop my act and start all over again, I get scared. | ||
| But it's really fun. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| Contextually inadequate. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where'd that come from? | ||
| It was something about context. | ||
| I had originally wanted to call it context not included, but I didn't like that as much. | ||
| And I just thought of like... | ||
| It's like my greatest fear is to be inadequate like I feel sexually inadequate all the time and Contextually inadequate. | ||
| I'm afraid that what I'm saying is meaningless So it just tied in it just felt right because it's my two greatest fears So I put them together and made one mediocre special. | ||
| I hope it's good. | ||
| I know it's gonna be good. | ||
| You're hilarious But I thank you but I like it like you know a lot of times you shoot something Normally you like it in hindsight like I'll like something I shot like a year later But, you know, now I'm like, yeah, I'm really happy with this. | ||
| I'm happy with the pace of it. | ||
| I'm happy with it. | ||
| I talk about Cosby. | ||
| I talk about Anthony getting fired. | ||
| You know, just a lot of shit that, you know, felt new. | ||
| That's so important because one of the things that happens to comics when they hold on to their material too long is that they don't think like that anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| I love the Peter Criss. | ||
| I do. | ||
| I have all four Kiss solo albums as characters. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| That one's just me. | ||
| I got H. Freely as Chip. | ||
| I got fucking one of them as Edgar and one as Uncle Paul. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, and those are just all me on the Sabbath cover. | ||
| It was Colin's idea because you want to put yourself on album covers, and I had this guy... | ||
| Put me on all the Black Sabbath records. | ||
| So every time you refresh the page, it's a different image? | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious! | ||
| Yeah, they're just all Sabbath records. | ||
| That is hilarious. | ||
| I gotta do some more, though. | ||
| Is that picture from the last one, was that you when you had a nose operation? | ||
| Yeah, that was just one of my many apnea photos. | ||
| My fucking fat face. | ||
| I hate the way that... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You know, Mozzie's first record. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That's pretty cool, man. | ||
| And it feels like it's me. | ||
| It feels like it's my... | ||
| It's jimnorton.com, and it just feels like it's mine. | ||
| What I was gonna say is that for me at least Doing new material is really important like at the end of a cycle like see you got a two-year cycle for me It's like two years seems to be if I do a special every one year that it's just too rushed that I'm not honing the material enough I'm not giving my perspective chance enough to grow on stage and it's like I'll do way more than I need to in those two years and then I'll whittle it down to what I really like When that time comes, | ||
| you know, but then it forces me when I abandon it and start with new stuff, my perspective is always refreshed. | ||
| I think as a person, you're constantly re-evaluating things. | ||
| And as a stand-up, you kind of have to be. | ||
| You have to always be looking for what's funny about something, what's interesting. | ||
| And that changes. | ||
| Your material changes, too, you know? | ||
| And fans have to realize, too, like, you know, I get so, it's amazing, like, how much feedback you get that is exactly the opposite. | ||
| Like, you'll get one guy will tweet or write, hey, man, fucking Norton, this stuff is so topical, it doesn't hold up. | ||
| And then the next person will say, fucking enough with the tranny jokes and sex jokes. | ||
| It's like, well, make up your mind, motherfuckers, what do you want? | ||
| I can't do it for you. | ||
| I can only do, like, what feels right. | ||
| And the reason I do a lot of topical stuff is, A, it interests me, and B, it's like I talk on the radio every day. | ||
| That's what's on my mind. | ||
| It's like when you're fucking reading the paper every day and you're talking about stuff every day, you're formulating opinions because you're talking about something long form for six minutes or ten minutes, and then you just start getting an idea about it, and you create something. | ||
| Yeah, but the people that are like really wacky hardcore fans they get upset if you talk about something on the radio and then that becomes a bit Yeah They don't know what they want because the criticism is again 50% say this 50% say that I I think it's even more than 50% say they like being in on the creative process. | ||
| Like, oh, I remember when you first brought that up. | ||
| But there's people that are just looking to complain. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No matter what you do, there's going to be some people that are just looking to be upset. | ||
| And there's some people that just want to get your attention. | ||
| They just want you to notice them. | ||
| They do. | ||
| And I actually wrote about that when Lindy West and I had that debate about rape jokes. | ||
| Afterwards, she was getting a lot of rape comments. | ||
| Hope you get raped and killed. | ||
| And she wrote a big blog about how it was all these rape threats. | ||
| And then I wrote something for XO Jane, which I didn't think they were legit rape threats. | ||
| If we had been talking about drunk driving, I said, people would have fucking wrote, I hope you're killed by a drunk driver. | ||
| It's one of those things where people just want to be heard. | ||
| They want to say the worst thing they can say. | ||
| I hope you get raped. | ||
| It's pretty much the worst thing you can say. | ||
| It's like walking into a room and just screaming real loud. | ||
| Everybody goes, what was that? | ||
| We noticed you. | ||
| That's what you wanted. | ||
| Well, you know what, man? | ||
| There's always going to be people that are just looking to get upset. | ||
| And there's always going to be people that are looking to piss people off. | ||
| They think they can push your buttons. | ||
| And trolls, like anonymous trolls online, taking them into account as an actual legit threat, you have no idea what you're dealing with. | ||
| It might be a legit threat. | ||
| But it also might be some 13-year-old kid who's a dickhead. | ||
| I think the majority of them, this is what I love when they criticize material, or they criticize what you're doing. | ||
| The way I've been talking about Opie and Anthony, and a lot of people, he's not telling the truth. | ||
| Like, what do you want me to say? | ||
| What do you mean, you're not telling the truth about what? | ||
| A lot of these guys just want me to go on the radio and motherfuck Opie, and they think that's what's being honest. | ||
| They think that that's what I should do. | ||
| Meanwhile, they're posting under anonymous names. | ||
| It's like, you fucking cowards. | ||
| You fucking afraid for everybody to see who you really are. | ||
| Cowards. | ||
| Sitting in your house demanding other people do shit that you don't have the moral courage to say your name. | ||
| Go fuck yourself. | ||
| But they think that's what honesty is. | ||
| Like, that's what they want. | ||
| And it's like, if I don't give them that, instead of realizing maybe that's not where the truth lies for me, they think I'm not being honest. | ||
| Yeah, but you're evaluating the minds of retards. | ||
| Like, you're looking into these really dopey people for logic and reasoning. | ||
| There's just a bunch of people that are just cunts. | ||
| No matter what you're doing, if you really concentrate too much about what they're saying, you're gonna, you get crazy. | ||
| It's like you're taking in crazy input. | ||
| But there are times where they're right. | ||
| And there are, like with my stand-up or other things that they've criticized, I, and this is why they annoy me, it's like... | ||
| It's like, hey dummies, I've actually given you guys credit when you're right. | ||
| I really meant it when I've said there are times when they say things that are really smart and intuitive and they fucking nail one of my shitty habits or my verbal crutches or whatever. | ||
| They make a lot of very valid points. | ||
| And then I'll read that they theorize something about the radio show and it's like, oh my god, did I give you idiots way too much credit? | ||
| Well, see what you're saying, the problem with what you're saying is they. | ||
| You're saying they. | ||
| As if they're like one collective unit that has a vote and they'll decide. | ||
| And there's a bunch of fuckheads out there and there's a bunch of really cool people out there too. | ||
| And sometimes the really cool people, they disagree with you and they have a good point. | ||
| and there's just a way to do it where it's like, you know, I noticed that he relies on this a bit too much. | ||
| It gets a tad tiresome. | ||
| Or it gets really tiresome. | ||
| You could even say it gets really tiresome. | ||
| And maybe you don't like hearing that. | ||
| It stings. | ||
| But maybe that's what you need to hear. | ||
| But there's a difference between that and someone who's just A dummy who also gets the same amount of voice. | ||
| Like, you know, you're on Twitter and someone's reaching out to you on Twitter. | ||
| If you read a dummy's words, you know, he got to you just like the smart guy got to you. | ||
| They're all receiving. | ||
| You know, you're receiving all that data in your brain. | ||
| It's just you got to decide, like, okay, what kind of a person am I taking this advice from? | ||
| What kind of a person am I receiving this criticism from? | ||
| Is he a fucking idiot? | ||
| Or is this a cool person who just disagrees with me? | ||
| And there's two different types of people out there when it comes to things that are a conflict. | ||
| There's cool people that you can get involved with conflicts with where you work out each other's differences. | ||
| And then there's cunts. | ||
| And that's the fine art of anonymous internet Like, you can be anonymous and still not be a cunt. | ||
| And that's the thing. | ||
| That's what irritates me about that culture. | ||
| It's like, I have a public email. | ||
| The real Jim Norton at Gmail is for people to contact me. | ||
| Not once have I ever gotten an email from somebody. | ||
| That was reasonable. | ||
| If it's nasty, I'll answer you nasty, or I'll ignore you. | ||
| But I've never gotten one that was... | ||
| And again, guys, you guys had medication. | ||
| Fucking slow down with the eight paragraphs. | ||
| But if you send me an email and go, look, this is what I don't like about the show, and I feel you guys are doing this too much, I really do read it, and I really do listen to what you say. | ||
| A lot of times I don't agree with it, and there's times where I write you back, but I'm not that irrational where somebody will be critical. | ||
| Just don't be a dick. | ||
| You can't say to me, you know what I mean? | ||
| Fucking show stinks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Norton, don't be your cunt. | ||
| And then you don't respond and they go, see, he can't take criticism. | ||
| It's like, well, you're not exactly being fucking, you know, you're not contacting me. | ||
| You know, calling someone a cunt is not the act of a friend. | ||
| You know, you're not writing me an email and just going, look, man, I think you guys are disloyal to Ant. | ||
| There's a lot of loyalty. | ||
| Issues. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like, how much more loyal do you want me to be to Anthony? | ||
| Like, I love Anthony. | ||
| Like, how can I express to you, like, that's not enough for them. | ||
| Like, at first they were like... | ||
| Well, you know, you're not saying you're loyal to Anthony. | ||
| I'm going to Anthony's show. | ||
| And then that's not enough. | ||
| And, like, all he does is say he loves Anthony and goes on his show. | ||
| What would you like me to do? | ||
| Anthony and I are fine with how we treat each other. | ||
| Like, what do you want? | ||
| Sometimes I think that they just don't know what they want. | ||
| And I wish you would express to me what you want. | ||
| Send me an email that makes sense. | ||
| Unmedicated. | ||
| And I really will read it and try to accommodate you. | ||
| Like, I do want the fucking fans happy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they don't seem to get that. | ||
| It's like, I really do... | ||
| Like, you know, I stand out and meet everybody. | ||
| And I don't charge for fucking photos. | ||
| You do the same thing. | ||
| I've seen you do it. | ||
| How much more can I say to fans, I appreciate what you do and I do appreciate your input, than standing there like a fucking dumb jizz bucket. | ||
| I don't charge for anything. | ||
| Most of you don't buy things on the way out. | ||
| And I always thank you for coming. | ||
| Like, what do you want me to do? | ||
| Suck your dick in the parking lot? | ||
| I'm there. | ||
| But again, most people are cool, right? | ||
| Yes, they are. | ||
| So you're freaking out about a small percentage that you should just ignore. | ||
| Actually, I'm not even freaked out. | ||
| I'm a little hyper now because I'm drinking this fucking gasoline you gave me. | ||
| It's very good. | ||
| Caveman coffee. | ||
| Delicious. | ||
| But it does hype me up. | ||
| But I'm not even angry at them. | ||
| Some of them are really funny. | ||
| And some of the mean ones are really funny dudes. | ||
| And it's like, God, you know more about the show than to be this dumb at this moment. | ||
| You know more... | ||
| About what we do and about our interactions with each other and it'd be a dope at this moment. | ||
| But I'm not even that mad at them. | ||
| It's like some of them just are hilarious. | ||
| Well, it's also, they're not realizing that you're just a person. | ||
| For some reason, when you think of someone as being a famous comedian, you think of them being way out there in New York, or wherever the fuck they are at the moment, you're tweeting at them, and they're tweeting back. | ||
| Like, that doesn't even seem real to a kid. | ||
| If you're an 18-year-old kid, and you're living in Cleveland, and you get on your iPhone, and you're like, fuck you, you jizzbucket, to you. | ||
| And then you're like, fuck you, I didn't say anything to you, asshole. | ||
| You're like... | ||
| Did Jim Norton really tweet at me? | ||
| It doesn't even seem real. | ||
| I love going back at them and having fun with them. | ||
| I like sometimes being a dick and then knowing that they're just going to start fighting with other people and it's out of my hands. | ||
| It's kind of fun. | ||
| Well, I do enjoy going to people's Twitter pages when they all day long are in legitimate fights. | ||
| Like, one of the things I noticed, this group that likes to call themselves social justice warriors, or they get disparagingly referred to as social justice warriors, there's a bunch of these people that I follow, and some of them that even, I'm on a blocked list. | ||
| Can you believe that? | ||
| Oh yeah, I think I am too. | ||
| I think I know that list. | ||
| Somebody sent me that because you send out incendiary things and their weak culture of I don't want to read what upsets me. | ||
| Does that mean jokes? | ||
| So no, jokes are bad for our culture. | ||
| My point being, I like to go to their pages because some of them, their entire timeline is them fighting with people. | ||
| In these horrible, insult-laden, back-and-forth conversations. | ||
| And there's that old expression that if you go outside and you run into an asshole, you probably just ran into an asshole. | ||
| But if you go outside and everybody you meet is an asshole, it might be you. | ||
| Right, you're the common denominator. | ||
| It might be you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like if your Twitter feed is just constant complaining about everything in the world, and then arguments with people that are disagreeing with you that end up in horrible insults, Maybe it's you. | ||
| Maybe it's you. | ||
| Maybe you don't realize that you're transmitting a signal, and that signal is super cunty. | ||
| And what you're getting back is super cunty data. | ||
| And you think it's the whole world. | ||
| The world sucks. | ||
| Look, I'm getting rape threats, and I'm getting all these horrible harassment threats. | ||
| Maybe you send out a real shitty flag. | ||
| You fly a shitty flag, and shit comes back your way. | ||
| And people respond to it in a shitty way, and they don't like it. | ||
| If somebody insults you publicly, and then you insult them back, They get all of a sudden like, what, you picking on me? | ||
| Jim Norton attacked a blogger. | ||
| You're a heckler. | ||
| You've heckled me online. | ||
| You've at-mentioned me so I see it. | ||
| You basically, here's what they say, like, Jim, I'd like to walk up to you and go, fuck you in your face, and then walk away without you saying anything. | ||
| You should. | ||
| You should do that to your fans. | ||
| Yeah, let them just say, fuck you. | ||
| Dude, you don't even love your fans. | ||
| They are animals. | ||
| They really are good, though. | ||
| The things they tolerate me saying... | ||
| I was on stage in Denver recently, and the biggest response I got was doing Chip and Uncle Paul. | ||
| I'm threatening to molest... | ||
| I'm reminiscing about... | ||
| I always find a young guy and just talk about, like, yeah, I remember when you was a baby. | ||
| They fucking love knowing that I'm going to talk about molesting this man. | ||
| Well, it's that character. | ||
| It allows you to do things that are totally unacceptable normally. | ||
| My favorite thing to do in the world. | ||
| There's nothing... | ||
| If I could literally... | ||
| Doing Chip and Uncle Paul and Edgar and all that stuff. | ||
| Here's why it's so much fun. | ||
| It's playing the bad guy. | ||
| You get to explore that fucking horrible side of... | ||
| When we're doing a story about a fucking priest or a molester, just to know that Uncle Paul can step in and go in any direction. | ||
| It's so much fun. | ||
| Because, you know, as a man, you gotta go, oh, it's terrible, that's wrong, but that's not funny to say. | ||
| But it is, to me... | ||
| How long has Uncle Paul been around for? | ||
| Well, he started, Uncle Paul started, I've been doing characters for years in relationships. | ||
| Long before I did them on the radio, I did them to annoy my girlfriends. | ||
| He was Uncle Larry many years ago. | ||
| There was Roger Davis, Roger D, and this is long before Chip. | ||
| There was Roger, and Roger had a brother, Lester, who was burned in a fire. | ||
| You had a whole time, like a whole storyline. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Lester was burned everywhere but his knees, and so he would always wear knickers to show off his legs. | ||
| It was a whole thing. | ||
| And Uncle Roger, no, Uncle Larry... | ||
| And then it merged into Chip, who my girlfriend hated so much. | ||
| And Chip became the fucking... | ||
| Because Chip would embarrass people. | ||
| I did that literally before I ever thought I'd do it on the radio. | ||
| I would be out with girlfriends and embarrass them by doing that. | ||
| I would just be making bad jokes in the cab. | ||
| And my girlfriend, Jen, and even girlfriends before, would just go, just shut the fuck up. | ||
| It's not funny. | ||
| And it made me so happy... | ||
| This is what would drive Jen crazy. | ||
| We'd be in like a really nice steakhouse and the waiter would come over and she would order like the salmon and then Chip just goes, how much is that? | ||
| And would ask the waiter and she was like, do you know how humiliating it is that people think I fucked that guy? | ||
| People think I'm fucking this guy. | ||
| And that's where they come from. | ||
| That visceral reaction, it was real. | ||
| Like, who was I doing one night that she... | ||
| Oh, I would do... | ||
| I would do... | ||
| You know how Edgar's one I don't do as much because... | ||
| Who's Edgar? | ||
| Edgar's the one with the tiny mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He just goes, you're a woman of lower stock. | |
| And that's his thing. | ||
| But he had a brother, Eugene. | ||
| And Eugene was always telling her, like, you know, you need to get right with the Lord. | ||
| And he would always tell her she was garbage and a whore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| You tell my girlfriend she was a whore and she was not worthy. | ||
| I'm fucking crying. | ||
| I'm crying. | ||
| But what happened was my girlfriend at the time, who's now my best friend, she's my ex-girlfriend from years ago, she hated Eugene so much. | ||
| And I mean, it wasn't even funny anymore because we would do it and she would dig her fingernails into my face. | ||
| She dug her nails into my face because I think Eugene hit a spot with her. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| I'm crying. | ||
| It was such a visceral reaction from her that I stopped doing Eugene because she caught me dirty texting with another girl. | ||
| I told you. | ||
| It wasn't even a girl I ever fucked. | ||
| It was just a girl. | ||
| I told you, my dirty, intriguing. | ||
| It was a girl. | ||
| I was like, I'll pay you $500, baby. | ||
| I'm such an addict. | ||
| I would save my conversations to jerk off to. | ||
| I hit the wrong button and I fucking printed it. | ||
| Dude, I fucking printed it So she wakes me up one morning. | ||
| She goes, Jim... | ||
| Wake up! | ||
| And I knew I was in trouble. | ||
| So she found these things, and she knew I hadn't fucked the girl, but it was a real strain on the relationship. | ||
| So I swear to you, as one of the ways of making amends to her, I stopped doing Eugene. | ||
| I killed off Eugene Mellencamp because I do a baby boy character named Jelly, who she liked. | ||
| Who's Jelly? | ||
| I don't do Jelly publicly. | ||
| He's too embarrassed. | ||
| He's just a little boy. | ||
| But she thought he was really cute, and Uncle Paul would always molest Jelly and fucking... | ||
| And Chip was so stupid. | ||
| Chip would always drop jelly off at Uncle Paul's house and he didn't know. | ||
| It was a whole fucking inner world. | ||
| So, yeah, Chip would be like, what? | ||
| Uncle Paul's a good guy. | ||
| He's helping out. | ||
| And she would drive her crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| That's so silly. | ||
| But it was just a fun way to be. | ||
| And she reacted so strongly. | ||
| And I've said before, I am animating them now. | ||
| And I'm in a point now where I haven't introduced them. | ||
| We're working on it. | ||
| Oh, you're going to do an actual show with A pilot. | ||
| Oh, yeah, but this is after years of people telling me to do it. | ||
| What are you going to do it on? | ||
| I don't know yet, but it's going to be on something... | ||
| What about Netflix? | ||
| Nah, they've got a Bill Burr cartoon, and I don't think they're interested, and I want to do it online somewhere. | ||
| I don't think I'll be able to monetize it. | ||
| I have a six-minute pilot. | ||
| I have a second five-minute episode where the audio is all taped already, and I'm looking at what they call animatronics now. | ||
| Which is a very basic animation. | ||
| It's like a storyboarding that moves. | ||
| So it doesn't really look like the characters, but they're just showing you the motion they're going to be in and where they are. | ||
| But I got to see Chip's face animated. | ||
| I see what the character looks like and it's getting to where I'm happy with it. | ||
| Because again, different levels of animation are expensive. | ||
| It's like two grand a minute. | ||
| So both of these things are costing me like 20 grand to do total. | ||
| Which is, alright, that's not that bad if it's an investment and it's mine. | ||
| I fucking own it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But, you know, to get the animation that's amazing, it's like five grand a minute. | ||
| And it's like, I'm not funding that much. | ||
| So these are a fucking... | ||
| It's a beginning. | ||
| And where it will go from here depends on how people respond to it. | ||
| If they think it's funny and they like it, they might go, that's cool, but we want this, we want that. | ||
| But I really want to do something with it. | ||
| So I've got a lot of the characters in the first one. | ||
| And in the second one, I have a couple of the characters, and I think people will like it. | ||
| But I literally just did it because after years and years of people telling me to do this stuff. | ||
| But it's the most fun I have on the record. | ||
| There's nothing... | ||
| I can't listen to Jim Norton. | ||
| I really can't. | ||
| As a kid, I would always have these weird... | ||
| I would detach from Jim Norton, and we would fantasize. | ||
| I had this little baby... | ||
| this fantasy of me when I was five. | ||
| Me and Jimmy Robinson were friends. | ||
| Jimmy Robinson was a boy in a cape. | ||
| It was me. | ||
| He was Jim Norton in a cape. | ||
| But me and Jimmy Robinson hated Jimmy Norton. | ||
| There was this weird separation. | ||
| I don't know who I was. | ||
| I was just this guy. | ||
| I was five or six. | ||
| Jimmy Robinson was really cool and good looking. | ||
| He was five or six. | ||
| He looked like he was me. | ||
| But he rode a tricycle and had a fucking cape and we just... | ||
| Jim Norton was fucking shit. | ||
| So I've always had this weird detachment. | ||
| So I don't like listening to myself any more than anybody else does right now on coffee. | ||
| But I like watching... | ||
| I like listening to Uncle Paul or Chip because they don't sound like me. | ||
| So I'll go back and listen to fucking Chip and I laugh like I've never heard it before because I don't remember saying it. | ||
| I mean I remember doing it but I don't... | ||
| In those moments you're not fucking paying attention. | ||
| So in those moments you are really thinking like that guy. | ||
| Oh, yeah, it's never thought through, ever. | ||
| And I'll listen sometimes and remember it, and I'll listen to it like somebody who's like, oh, yeah, no, you really are thinking in that... | ||
| That mindset, like a character. | ||
| And it's fun, but it's fun to do. | ||
| And that's why I'm always interested, like, when I'm uncomfortable acting somewhere. | ||
| And again, I know the difference between standing there with Clive Owen, with a bunch of people playing doctors. | ||
| That's a real situation. | ||
| Instead of just talking to my fucking, you know, dumbball fucking friends on the radio, and Bob Kelly's there. | ||
| You know, there's no pressure with your buddies. | ||
| But it's almost like, why is one so comfortable, where there's zero planning in it, and it's just going to be, you're talking about whatever you think of for five minutes, and you know it has to be funny, and you know it has to move a story along. | ||
| Why is that not scary at all? | ||
| But this is. | ||
| So something is interfering, I think, to kind of bring it back. | ||
| But that's the most fun I have, is doing that shit. | ||
| So you've been doing these characters for a long time. | ||
| Yeah, I brought them to the radio over time. | ||
| They became in the radio over time, but they existed long before radio. | ||
| They existed in my personal life as just a fun way to be... | ||
| There's so many... | ||
| Like, my ex-girlfriend was the best, and I'll see her tonight. | ||
| She's fucking awesome. | ||
| Jennifer... | ||
| I've never given her name before, but I've talked about her. | ||
| Her name is Jennifer Carmody, and she has a podcast. | ||
| She's really a funny person. | ||
| And she... | ||
| She's the one. | ||
| She fucked the characters. | ||
| Like, she fucked Chip and Uncle Paul... | ||
| And Jen is hilarious. | ||
| And she, uh, she fucked Sudley. | ||
| Sudley was one I never knew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's Sudley? | |
| Sudley was one who was just dumb and he would drool a lot and he would lick the side of her face and her neck and she hated Sudley. | ||
| He was kind of retarded, but he never made it to the radio. | ||
| Some things don't translate. | ||
| They're just things you do in your personal life. | ||
| What kind of a cast do you have in your brain? | ||
| How many people are in there? | ||
| There was at one point with Jen, and Jen, the reason she's working on this animation with me, because literally her and my manager Jonathan and Club Soda Kenny have dealt with these people in their personal lives more than any of you have ever heard them on the radio. | ||
| There was at one point with Jen. | ||
| There was, of course, there was Chip, and there was Jelly, and there was Edgar Mellencamp and Eugene Mellencamp, and I did kill off Eugene. | ||
| There was Uncle Paul. | ||
| There was, she remembered Sheldon, who was, there was another one called the Sushi Kid, who was just a guy who kind of talked like Rich Vought, but like sushi, and talked all about sushi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's the Sushi Kid. | |
| The sushi kid? | ||
| The sushi kid. | ||
| And then there was fucking Sudley who drooled a lot and always go... | ||
| But there was a lot of... | ||
| A lot of these characters had no depth to them. | ||
| And that's why I didn't bring them to the radio. | ||
| They were only funny contextually in the relationship because Jen got them and I got them. | ||
| So there was no... | ||
| They would be one-trick ponies on the radio. | ||
| They would be... | ||
| He just went like Jennifer and he would lick her pussy bad or lick her thighs and it would just gross her out. | ||
| So there was no way to translate that. | ||
| So one night she fucked... | ||
| Chip and Uncle Paul in Sudley, and she said Chip was the worst fuck, which always made me laugh. | ||
| She said Uncle Paul was probably the best of the three. | ||
| So while you're fucking her, you're in these characters. | ||
| Only that time as a goof. | ||
| She sucked Chip's dick once, too, because Chip came in one time. | ||
| Chip came in one time as a goof, and he was like, fucking Jenny called my bomb. | ||
| It was in Montreal. | ||
| He bombed at the festival, and she felt bad, so she blew Chip. | ||
| She was hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
LAUGHTER And who else was there? | |
| There was fucking, at one point... | ||
| There's one called The Gossip Kid, which I don't... | ||
| He was black, and I don't do him anymore. | ||
| He was black? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He was just the one that would kind of sum up all... | ||
| He almost worked like... | ||
| And it was not based on this, it was before I ever saw fucking the... | ||
| Remember Harold Perrineau when he did Oz, the guy in the wheelchair, the black guy would kind of narrate? | ||
| That's what The Gossip Kid did. | ||
| He would just narrate. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I heard Uncle Paul, you know, I heard the bitch suck Uncle Paul's dick. | ||
| It was like that. | ||
| And she made her laugh. | ||
| The Gossip Kid was one of the favorites we would do, but then our relationship ended years ago, so I don't do the Gossip Kid anymore. | ||
| But the Gossip Kid would sum the characters up. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| That's hilarious! | ||
| That's one I'm going to do too. | ||
| I forgot about him until recently. | ||
| I started doing him again to another friend of mine, actually, who was like, that's fucking funny. | ||
| He comes out on the radio once in a while too. | ||
| He'll just do it. | ||
| People will always hear me go, who is that bitch? | ||
| And that's that character. | ||
| But I haven't gone into great depth with it. | ||
| Jimmy, you need to do a podcast. | ||
| Just by yourself. | ||
| Just by yourself, talking to different guests. | ||
| Just you and a guest. | ||
| I don't know if it would be... | ||
| It would be fucking beautiful. | ||
| People hear me so much on the radio. | ||
| Maybe if I didn't have radio... | ||
| I hear you. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| People would get bored of me. | ||
| I think that... | ||
| They wouldn't get bored of you if you had a podcast. | ||
| I guarantee you, you would reach a lot of people. | ||
| And even if you only did it once a week, wouldn't it be a bad idea to have something in the back burner? | ||
| Who the fuck knows what's going to happen with Sirius? | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I mean, they're doing well right now, but the internet is a strange thing. | ||
| The internet's going to be in cars. | ||
| It's going to happen within the next decade. | ||
| Within the next decade, it's going to be real hard to justify paying for satellite radio. | ||
| Because someone's going to figure out programs that you could do that mimic satellite radio, and they become native apps on your car. | ||
| We talked about it before. | ||
| Whether it's Pandora, or some new thing that we don't even know. | ||
| They have that Stitcher app now on a lot of Ford cars, where you can... | ||
| Download podcasts directly from the thing. | ||
| You have favorites. | ||
| You save them. | ||
| So you can have stations that you can click on. | ||
| You can go to different podcasts. | ||
| All that stuff is, you know, it's going to be hard to compete with that. | ||
| Yeah, I think you're right. | ||
| And I think even less than a decade. | ||
| I think it'll be a lot sooner than that before the cars have it. | ||
| No, they're definitely going to have it less than a decade, but I mean, like, how much more time to Sirius? | ||
| Like, I like Sirius. | ||
| I like having it. | ||
| I like switching through the channels and listening to different music, or listening to Howard, then listening to you guys, then listening to... | ||
| I listen to... | ||
| There's Ron and Fez. | ||
| Yeah, Ron and Fez, and there's a bunch of different things you can listen to. | ||
| There's a lot of different classic vinyl stations that play cool music, you know? | ||
| Ozzy's Boneyard is my favorite station anywhere. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's some great... | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Lost Tracks? | ||
| What is that one? | ||
| Deep Tracks? | ||
| Deep Tracks, yeah. | ||
| Deep Tracks is like real obscure songs. | ||
| Hope he likes that one a lot, too. | ||
| It's a good one. | ||
| Yeah, I think he probably goes a little deeper in music than I do. | ||
| I don't listen to most of the music stations except Ozzy's Boneyard and occasionally Hair Nation will listen to it, or the 70s channel. | ||
| But when you really think about it... | ||
| The benefit of the internet is a bunch. | ||
| There's a bunch of different benefits. | ||
| But one of the big ones is, you can be anywhere. | ||
| You can be in a parking garage. | ||
| It's really annoying when you're listening to a good show, and then you go under a tunnel, and it stops. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because your satellite connection's gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep, yep. | |
| But with cellular connections, you can get a cellular connection way more places. | ||
| You can get a cellular connection underground. | ||
| You can get it in parking lot structures. | ||
| You can get it in a lot of different places that you can't get radio. | ||
| And also, like, I was driving on Topanga Canyon yesterday on a fucking sunny day, and the satellite was cutting out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Just trees. | ||
| Just the trees. | ||
| Like, there's areas of Topanga where you're driving through the canyon, and there's just this canopy of trees overhead, and it just blocks out the satellite. | ||
| Can I piss real quick? | ||
| Go piss you son of a bitch. | ||
| I'll be right back. | ||
| And let's promote Jimmy's special that is on Epix coming up real soon. | ||
| Contextually inadequate April 24th on epics and epics is the same network that was airing deep web on May 31st which is our friend Alex winter who is here yesterday or the day before yesterday and So epics is doing some fucking cool shit and Jim has already done one special on epics already so this will be his second special on epics and Everybody asks you about tonight at the Ice House is sold out. | ||
| Sorry, bitches. | ||
| And then the next gig that we have that's a big one is in New York. | ||
| That's sold out, too. | ||
| That's at the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it called? | |
| What's the name of that joint? | ||
| What is it? | ||
| The Grand Ballroom. | ||
| The Grand Ballroom in New York City. | ||
| So the next gig that I had that's available, that actually has tickets available, is the Ka Theater at MGM, and that's on the 22nd. | ||
| So that's, uh, and then we'll be doing some Ice House shows in town between now and then and definitely the Comedy Store. | ||
| And one of the things we started doing at the Comedy Store is that belly room. | ||
| Have you done the belly room at the Comedy Store? | ||
| You know, I don't think I have. | ||
| I've done the, uh, you know what, maybe I have. | ||
| What's the, what's the, uh, the one that everybody, the original room or the belly room? | ||
| The original room is the downstairs room that seats about, I guess like 150. And the main room seats, I think, all full seats 400 people. | ||
| I've never done it. | ||
| And then the belly room only seats like 80 or something like that. | ||
| It's a tiny-ass room. | ||
| Like, if you want to stuff people in there, you might get 90. And it's amazing. | ||
| I did it last night for this Jeremiah Watkins. | ||
| Young kid out here has this show that he used to do called Thunder Pussy, where it was like a podcast that he did it. | ||
| But a lot of people didn't want to do it on a podcast. | ||
| They just wanted to do it on a regular show. | ||
| So they stopped doing it as a podcast, and now maybe stopped. | ||
| I don't know if he stopped. | ||
| Yeah, but he does both. | ||
| But stand up on the spot is what they call it. | ||
| And the people yell out topics and you're forced to make jokes or make fun of them. | ||
| Oh wow, cool. | ||
| And everybody knows that's what it is. | ||
| So they know you might stumble a little bit or there might be. | ||
| Yeah, you're going to have subjects that you just don't have anything. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| But you're forced into that situation where you're trying to make comedy. | ||
| And I've come up with a bunch of bits because of it. | ||
| Because we've done it like three or four times now. | ||
| And you come up with like, you know, you might do 15 minutes. | ||
| You might get three minutes out of it. | ||
| We're like, wow, this has actually got potential. | ||
| Hope they're good topics. | ||
| Girl farts! | ||
| Oh! | ||
| Get out of my way! | ||
| There's a lot of that. | ||
| What's the really hard one that they throw out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Economics. | |
| Oh boy. | ||
| Yeah, someone yelled out space travel, you know, economics, space travel. | ||
| But you're always going to have, like, you know, they don't know. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| You might, like, in that moment, like, someone could yell out... | ||
| Economics, and you have nothing. | ||
| Or you could be in the right frame of mind, at the right moment, and you just have this idea. | ||
| And then you just run with it on stage, and people start laughing hilariously, hysterically. | ||
| And you're like, oh, there is something in that. | ||
| I didn't even consider that. | ||
| But you're forced into this, like, you're forced to run. | ||
| You're forced to figure out how to run. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right, right. | |
| You're forced to figure out how to swim. | ||
| You're just thrown into the water. | ||
| You figure it out. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I did one similar to that. | ||
| Paul Provenza has one. | ||
| What was his called? | ||
| Set List. | ||
| Set List. | ||
| And there was some really hard, weird things on there. | ||
| But that was kind of fun to go up there and just explore it and see where you go with it and where your mind works. | ||
| That's really fun shit to do. | ||
| Yeah, it's fun. | ||
| It's a good way to start new material, to get the beginnings of a new bit, or the idea of a new bit. | ||
| You gotta trick yourself, I think. | ||
| Ari and I were talking about this once, that if you do too many gigs, you don't live your life enough. | ||
| Absolutely right. | ||
| Sometimes you have too much gigs and not enough life. | ||
| Nothing to feed off of. | ||
| Burr was saying that same thing, actually. | ||
| Burr was saying that, you know, sometimes he needs to do things, and that's why I think he got into helicopter flying. | ||
| He actually was doing a bit on helicopter flying. | ||
| He decided, well, I'll fucking actually take some lessons. | ||
| And then in taking lessons, he actually wound up enjoying it. | ||
| Well, it's funny you say that because that's another part of me not wanting to be such a piece of shit anymore sexually because you feed on only the same thing and there's nothing new coming into my life. | ||
| There's no new input. | ||
| So there's stuff I talk about on the radio, which is topical, and then there's that. | ||
| And it's like, no, man, there's a whole life out there that you're not enjoying and living. | ||
| And again, I'm not crying the blues. | ||
| I make good money. | ||
| I have a nice apartment. | ||
| I've been very lucky in comedy, but there's so many fun things to do. | ||
| Just go out with someone somewhere without a goal of sexual whatever or just, you know, go away for the night to a little dumb town and go shopping or just do some fucking dumb shit that people do that's fun. | ||
| That's relaxing and normal and normal human beings do it. | ||
| And not be edging. | ||
| Not be edging. | ||
| It's fucking hours, dude. | ||
| I'm telling you, it fucks me up so much. | ||
| It's like this weird, uncomfortable, scared feeling I get when I'm done, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, I get very scared like I'm exposed, man. | |
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, oh god, she's married. | ||
| Her fucking husband's gonna find out. | ||
| I talked that girl into jerking me off. | ||
| I gave her 500, man, but her fucking husband's gonna shoot me if he finds out. | ||
| You like that. | ||
| I do in the moment, but as soon as you come, boy, you stop liking it. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Oh god, this is fun. | ||
| I'm gonna get killed. | ||
| It's really a fucking load coming out really brings you right back to reality. | ||
| Isn't it funny though that part of being like a funny guy like the way you are is is Dependent upon like impulsive behavior and thoughts like there's something about like the actual creation of a bit like an Improv line a hilarious improv line a lot of that is like impulsive things sure Yeah, if somebody will yell something or you just think of something and you say it even though if you thought it through you might not say it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or you tweet it, which is why guys get in trouble. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It is that you're right, that impulsive thinking. | ||
| It's the thing that makes you great is also the thing that eventually ruins you. | ||
| My favorite tweet that someone should have never done is that woman who was working for some publicity firm or something like that. | ||
| She flew to Africa. | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| She's like, I'm on my way to Africa. | ||
| I hope I don't get AIDS. Just kidding. | ||
| I'm white. | ||
| LOL. And then she lands, and it's a national fucking scandal. | ||
| And she lost her job. | ||
| I mean, what are the odds that anyone's going to read that tweet and decide to go after you? | ||
| You know what it is? | ||
| They were like, hey, let's get this publicist. | ||
| But what she was saying, Justine Sacco, and it was a stupid thing to say, but what she's probably saying is, hey, white people... | ||
| Sometimes it might even be a statement about... | ||
| How it's unfair that only the black guys... | ||
| I don't think she meant, like, fuck black people. | ||
| Or do you think she did? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| No, I think she was just trying to be funny. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I think she just thought she was being funny. | ||
| Going to Africa, hope I don't gay, just kidding, I'm white. | ||
| I think she was just being an asshole. | ||
| I mean, I don't mean an asshole in a bad way, either. | ||
| But being funny, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just being funny. | |
| Yeah, being goofy and just being an asshole. | ||
| Well, that's something a comic would say. | ||
| I mean, tell me a comic wouldn't say that. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| A lot of comics would say that. | ||
| The thing is, like getting... | ||
| I've had a weird thing, too. | ||
| Because, you know, people get in fire for tweets, and it uprooted our radio show, obviously. | ||
| You know, it's very frustrating, and it's stupid. | ||
| But then I hear these guys who sent these tweets to Curt Schilling's daughter... | ||
| Was Curt Schilling? | ||
| The pitcher. | ||
| He was a Red Sox pitcher. | ||
| He pitched. | ||
| He had the bloody sock. | ||
| And he tweeted something about his daughter pitching at a college game. | ||
| So these anonymous, these fucking cowards, they tweet this stuff about his daughter that's really nasty. | ||
| And some of it, he said, might have been illegal because it was sexual stuff. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But they found out who they were and they were both fired from their jobs, or one was. | ||
| And I was happy that they got fired because I didn't like them. | ||
| But I had a real dilemma because the emotional part of me is like, good, fuck these scumbags. | ||
| And then the other part of me is, you shouldn't be firing people because they say dumb shit. | ||
| But then I'm like, okay, say you're a doctor and you tweet, I hate Jews. | ||
| Like, does the hospital not have the right to go, we don't want you working for us. | ||
| Our Jewish clientele would legitimately not feel comfortable having you operate on... | ||
| Like, I'm just kind of in a quandary about it because I don't know how to feel about any of it now. | ||
| Like, I'm such a... | ||
| I'm always like, whatever you say, you shouldn't get in trouble for. | ||
| I mean, there is a penalty to speech, but you shouldn't get fired for doing dumb jokes. | ||
| But if you work... | ||
| Say if you're working with a guy... | ||
| Like, say you're in an office, and a guy shares the office. | ||
| There's a small amount of people. | ||
| There's like three or four people in the office. | ||
| And you guys work in and out together, day in, day out. | ||
| And one of you, you find out, is sending really mean tweets to a baseball player's daughter. | ||
| Really evil, vicious shit. | ||
| For no reason. | ||
| Like, just an asshole. | ||
| Doesn't know the girl. | ||
| He's just an asshole. | ||
| Why the fuck would you want to work with that guy? | ||
| Right, that's the truth. | ||
| So why can't you fire that guy? | ||
| Because that guy is negative to the environment of the office. | ||
| And I'm happy he got fired again, emotionally. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But the part of me that contradicts that is going, yeah, but yeah, that was an obvious one. | ||
| Alright, the guy was a cunt. | ||
| But then there's the ones where people are just going for a joke. | ||
| Like that lady. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then she gets fired. | ||
| So who makes the determination? | ||
| That's what drives me crazy. | ||
| I don't know how to feel about it. | ||
| I felt disloyal to my own point of view because I was like, fuck those guys. | ||
| And I'm telling on myself by saying it, but I don't know. | ||
| I just had a bit of a dilemma with this one lately. | ||
| Well, she was interviewed with, I forget what blog... | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| I hate when I keep doing that, clearing my throat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me too. | |
| I do the same thing. | ||
| I just have to defend a fucking child rape child. | ||
| No, I did not know. | ||
| I have it in there. | ||
| It's this. | ||
| Yeah, it's the coffee. | ||
| It's the butter. | ||
| It's the butter in the coffee. | ||
| And she was talking about how it essentially uprooted her entire life. | ||
| Like, she landed in Africa and didn't even realize what was going on. | ||
| Slept, you know, probably took a sleeping pill. | ||
| It's a long flight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| Woke up, didn't even realize what she had caused, and then she had lost her job, and people hated her. | ||
| People were having conversations about her on CNN, and they were calling her a piece of shit. | ||
| It got ugly, like really ugly. | ||
| And she kind of went into hiding. | ||
| And then she got a gig somewhere else. | ||
| I don't remember where her gig is, nor would I mention it if I did know it. | ||
| She, you know, she recovered. | ||
| She recovered and got back on track, but she just made a careless joke. | ||
| She thought she was being funny. | ||
| She thought she was being silly. | ||
| And she didn't think that that many people were going to listen to it or read it. | ||
| And the intent in what she's doing is different than what those guys saying to Curt Schilling. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But then there's the thing where, you know, sports guys, like you said, you think they're immune. | ||
| Like, because people yell stuff all the time at sports figures. | ||
| Fucking drop dead, A-Rod! | ||
| You suck! | ||
| You fucking... | ||
| It's like... | ||
| What's the like who's to say what's right and that's where I'm kind of just whatever I don't even know what I'm saying Joe I'm just kind of no I know exactly what you're saying I think the sports guys if they're saying something that's absolutely mean and vicious and nasty and you don't want them representing your organization so if you have an organization if you have a team or if you have ESPN it makes sense to me that people are getting fired for saying mean shit But where is it? | ||
| It gets problematic when it's a difference of opinion. | ||
| And it's not necessarily a mean, insulting thing or a negative thing, but it's a philosophical difference of opinion. | ||
| You know, like sometimes people say things, and although it's not smart what they said, what they said probably shouldn't get them fired. | ||
| There's just a gray area when it comes to some of these things. | ||
| Well, if everyone was honest, I would say yeah, but they're not. | ||
| What happens is a guy like Trevor Noah does his tweets a few years ago, and then they go back, and they know their jokes, but they lie. | ||
| And they go, look at this hateful thing about Jews. | ||
| He doesn't lie. | ||
| He's anti-Semitic. | ||
| So they take things that they know are meant for jokes, and they spin them into, this was hate speech. | ||
| And it's almost like, because they're such liars, just to get a result... | ||
| That's where the confusing part comes in because if it was just jokes were left alone. | ||
| It dilutes their opinion because then, I'm not gonna listen to anything you say. | ||
| If you say that it's a joke, like you had one joke, she's ten times the woman that she used to be, so I guess she's fat now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're like, oh, he's fat shaming. | ||
| No, he's making a joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Yeah, and are you saying that someone who's ten times the size they used to be isn't fat? | ||
| Because I say that's pretty fucking dishonest. | ||
| Sure, unless they weighed six pounds at one point. | ||
| This idea of fat shaming has been driving me fucking crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, it's not... | ||
| I like the fanny pack, by the way. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| Louis wanted to spit in my face this morning when he saw it. | ||
| Dare he? | ||
| I know. | ||
| He said, you have a fanny pack? | ||
| I have one for you if you want one. | ||
| I think you get one. | ||
| I have one of yours, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Nice. | ||
| I like a good fanny pack. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nice. | |
| I do as well. | ||
| Empty pockets. | ||
| I got all excited about the fanny pack. | ||
| You were talking about fat shaming. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, look, man. | ||
| It's not cool to be mean to people. | ||
| It's not cool to, like, point someone out and be mean to them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| It's not smart to just let it go either. | ||
| It's not smart to just not ever talk about someone's weight. | ||
| Like, if you care about someone, you should probably bring up the fact that they're morbidly obese. | ||
| If you can bring it up and have them realize that there's other options out there and they change their habits, that's not... | ||
| That's not necessarily fat shaming. | ||
| If we're all ignoring fat people, we're ignoring people that have eating problems, we're gonna ignore like a serious health problem. | ||
| That's as much of an addiction as what you were talking about about sex. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| It's the same sort of thing. | ||
| They get in their head, they get sweaty thinking about ringdings and ho-hos and cakes and burgers and just a fucking sheer joy of gluttony and giving into it. | ||
| Yeah, ringdings are fucking awesome though, I gotta be honest. | ||
| I have friends that have food addictions, and I've been around them when they satisfy those addictions. | ||
| It's like you're watching lions eat. | ||
| It's the hardest of all of them, food. | ||
| It's fucking brutal, man. | ||
| You gotta eat. | ||
| You have to eat. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| You don't have to go to hookers. | ||
| Well, you know, some of us do, Joe. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You'll live if you don't get a hooker. | ||
| You won't live if you don't eat. | ||
| You have to eat. | ||
| So they're constantly dancing in and out of this world that they're addicted to. | ||
| Very hard. | ||
| It's like you can't not do it. | ||
| Well, I'm eating healthy. | ||
| I dated this gal once back in the day who had a bit of a weight problem. | ||
| And she and I had a discussion about it once where I was like, I think that you put so much emphasis on this issue. | ||
| And it was a very minor weight problem. | ||
| Well, she wasn't... | ||
| Morbidly obese by anyone's definition But she did like would gain like a little 10 pounds here a little 20 right there and it bothered her and What bothered her was that it would obsess her all day and she would talk about what she ate I had a fat-free muffin I had a this and I had a that and it became like almost this on Like this this battle that she could never win She was on this crazy yo-yo they could she just she knew that she wasn't supposed to have the ice cream So she had to eat the ice cream, | ||
| you know it and then whoa The way she fixed it is yoga. | ||
| She started doing yoga. | ||
| And yoga, somehow or another, balanced her brain out. | ||
| And the effort of doing the yoga boosted her metabolism. | ||
| And she started eating really healthy because she got more conscious of her body. | ||
| Instead of just, like, she had to always exercise, she was always, like, pretty fit, but she just would do, like, running or lift a little weights or something like this, but this got her into doing yoga, and then she became, like, really obsessed with eating healthy foods and taking care of her body, and, you know, then she turned out great. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Yeah, she figured it out, which is cool when someone figures it out, but it was bizarre being, you know, I've been next to friends, like, guy friends that have it, But they just go in hog wild and gluttony. | ||
| But girls don't do that. | ||
| They kind of dance around it. | ||
| So their food addiction is even weirder because, like, my friends that have food addictions, they'll indulge right in front of me. | ||
| You know, like, let's go, you guys want to go to, you know, fill in the blank. | ||
| Let's go get some spaghetti and meatballs. | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| And they sit down and, yeah! | ||
| And you see him indulging, like, oh, this is fucking tremendous. | ||
| And you know they shouldn't be eating this, but they're eating it anyway. | ||
| And it's hard to say something, like, you don't want to be the wet nurse. | ||
| But then it's like, you know, I'm 46 and my friends are in their 40s. | ||
| It's like, you can drop dead at this point. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You certainly can. | ||
| And have. | ||
| You know, like, Artie worried me when he was in here. | ||
| I was like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| And I was telling him about healthy foods and, you know, he's got the pill thing, too, the heroin thing, too. | ||
| And it's like, goddamn, dude, you're putting a lot of pressure on your heart. | ||
| How long ago did How long did you have him? | ||
| Not long ago. | ||
| Okay, because he looks like he's lost a few pounds actually. | ||
| I saw him recently. | ||
| Yeah, we did a gig in Florida and I was like, he looks a little thinner. | ||
| I'm like, you're making an effort. | ||
| He's a funny fuck. | ||
| Yeah, he's really funny. | ||
| He's fucking funny. | ||
| He was so funny on the podcast talking about sports gambling, which he's got a thing for just as bad as you ever think for sex. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| He fucking loves gambling. | ||
| He loves gambling and it's that same thing. | ||
| It's that that impulsive shit that comics tend to get. | ||
| There's like a lot of us get like we have real addiction problems. | ||
| They're really funny ones. | ||
| Like for whatever reason like I know a lot of guys that have either a sexual addiction or some sort of drug addiction or a gambling addiction or some sort of addiction. | ||
| Like it's a real common thing. | ||
| I know guys that have relationship addictions. | ||
| Where their addiction is to be constantly in conflict in their relationships, and they never straighten it out. | ||
| And they're always scared to be alone, and they're scared to lose a gal, and then they fight like cats and dogs, and they always, I gotta get away from her. | ||
| And then they never do. | ||
| But what you're doing is the same sort of crazy thing that a food person does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Where you just back and forth and back and forth, and that conflict becomes like what you were talking about with the sex, where you never see yourself. | ||
| You never see life. | ||
| You're looking at it, like you said, through a window. | ||
| You're never right there. | ||
| You're never totally present. | ||
| You're always involved in this inner battle. | ||
| And that inner battle could be gambling. | ||
| It could be beating off. | ||
| It could be going to hookers. | ||
| It could be doing drugs. | ||
| It could be drinking. | ||
| Whatever you're trying to not do becomes your thing. | ||
| It could be food. | ||
| Whatever you're trying to not do becomes this wrestling match that you're constantly engaged in all day. | ||
| I've had a bunch of them. | ||
| I've had a bunch of them. | ||
| Various games. | ||
| I've had a bunch of them with video games. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| With playing pool. | ||
| Like, real bad, man. | ||
| With video games, it was real bad. | ||
| I would be sitting there talking to somebody, and I'd be like, this is so much more boring than playing a video game. | ||
| I want to go play a video game right now. | ||
| And I just wanted to get away and go play a video game. | ||
| And I would just go into my office and shut the door and just... | ||
| Like, finally. | ||
| Put the headphones on and then I would play. | ||
| And then I realized, like, wow, this is like... | ||
| I'm an addict here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm doing addict shit. | |
| How long would you play for? | ||
| Like, what's the long period of time? | ||
| Eight, ten hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow, really? | |
| Yeah, twelve sometimes. | ||
| I would do twelve. | ||
| I would do like six at night to six in the morning, easy. | ||
| Like, fueled with caffeine. | ||
| Almost feeling like I had a heart attack. | ||
| I used to buy these sodas. | ||
| I forget the company that made them. | ||
| They were really cool. | ||
| And some of them were blue, some of them had jalapeno in them, some of them had extreme amounts of caffeine in them, and guarana, and they had skulls and all these different weird, artsy labels. | ||
| And there was this supermarket in North Hollywood that used to sell them down the street from my apartment. | ||
| And I would go and I would buy them by the fucking crate. | ||
| I would buy like everything they had when they would get new shipments in. | ||
| I even contacted the people that made the soft drink. | ||
| They had a warehouse in the factory and I said, can I come to your warehouse and just buy some cases of your shit? | ||
| And it had like all sorts of different hot peppers in it and crazy, but it was super caffeinated and I would drink this stuff and just play video games just all night. | ||
| How long did you do that for? | ||
| That's the shit. | ||
| No, that's not it actually. | ||
| Green apple jalapeno soda. | ||
| It looked a little bit like the stuff in the upper left hand. | ||
| There was a bunch of different ones, but they had like skulls and all kinds of weird shit all over the labels. | ||
| How many years ago is this? | ||
| This is in the 90s. | ||
| And how long did you do it for? | ||
| I think I quit video games altogether around 2000. I think I realized... | ||
| I started playing like every now and again in like the early 2000s. | ||
| I would play like a little every here and then. | ||
| But I didn't take... | ||
| I never got into it seriously again. | ||
| And then I completely stopped playing them around 2002, 2003. Do you look at the graphics now and go like... | ||
| Yeah, I get scared. | ||
| Yeah, it's tough. | ||
| Here's the thing about it. | ||
| If you're a gamer and you're like, what the fuck's wrong with you? | ||
| You know, you play, you do a lot. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with playing video games. | ||
| They're fun as hell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The problem is, if you have some other stuff that you want to do in your life, you got to know, like, what you, like, if I get addicted to jujitsu, here's a perfect example. | ||
| I can't do jujitsu but an hour and a half a day. | ||
| You get exhausted. | ||
| Like, your body just can't keep up. | ||
| You can't keep doing it. | ||
| There's only a certain amount of hours in a day that you can roll. | ||
| Because you're straining your fucking cardio, and you're trying to survive, and you're trying to kill, and you're fucking constantly moving, and you're constantly trying to better your position and defend, and after a while you're done. | ||
| You're done. | ||
| It's not like that with video games. | ||
| With video games, if you're addicted to it, you fucking can play eight, ten hours a day. | ||
| It's not a problem. | ||
| If you get the right caffeine in you, and you've got the right kind of addictive game, especially if you have friends, and you're playing together. | ||
| We used to play LAN parties. | ||
| We used to get there and link all of our computers together. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| We'd be up for days. | ||
| I would go to Houston and have gigs in Houston. | ||
| A lot of the guys would be from Houston. | ||
| We'd meet in Houston and we'd link up our computers together. | ||
| And we would play for fucking hours and hours and hours. | ||
| And we'd come day after day. | ||
| We'd have like a two or three day thing where we'd all get together. | ||
| Just burn out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Junk food, chips, Mountain Dew, whatever the fuck kind of caffeine you can get into your system. | ||
| It's just too fun. | ||
| It's a really fun thing to do. | ||
| Yeah, but I played Asteroids when I was a kid. | ||
| I was very addicted. | ||
| But I'm of that ilk, so I never got into them as an adult. | ||
| Yeah, well, I think they can... | ||
| Get there, but as a form of entertainment, they're fucking awesome, and even better today than ever before. | ||
| You know, it's funny, because I was in one of the Grand Theft Autos, I had like a little line or whatever, and I tried playing it. | ||
| Laszlo, this guy Laszlo came in to Opie and Anthony, and I kept, I played it at home once, I backed into the fence six times and said, fuck this. | ||
| I am such an uncoordinated twat that I just couldn't make it work. | ||
| I literally look back on that, and I go, thank God you backed out of the fence, because I know that it would have been fun. | ||
| Well, once you figure out how to use the controllers in a video game, and really they become like a part of the way you move, like with Quake, every guy had like a script that he would run, that he would load up, like a profile script for the speed of your mouse, for the shape of your character, for your name, and you can upload it, like you could have it as a text file on your computer, and you upload it into the game, And then like that would be like your speed of your mouse. | ||
| Some people like the mouse to move really fast. | ||
| Some people like the mouse to move really slow. | ||
| Some people like an extended view. | ||
| Like your POV could change. | ||
| Like your POV could be either 90 or 120. Some guys would spread it out and give you like a fisheye lens and allow you to see more shit on your screen. | ||
| And some guys liked that and some guys didn't. | ||
| But it was this thing that it became like really specific so that you got super used to the amount of movement that you would do with your fingers And how that would calculate into movement on screen, and your brain synced up to it. | ||
| So then you didn't even think about moving your fingers. | ||
| It just automatically happened. | ||
| And when you're playing 8-10 hours a day, day after day after day, it really becomes part of second nature. | ||
| Anthony's a big gamer, and he would always play on the computer. | ||
| He preferred that to Joyce. | ||
| And I never could understand playing on the computer. | ||
| Left, right, this key, this key, this key. | ||
| I couldn't get it. | ||
| Well, the reason is, when you use a mouse, a mouse and a keyboard is the most accurate form of controller for video games so far. | ||
| You can get a lot done with one of those Xbox controllers, but you're never going to get the type of pinpoint accuracy in a first-person shooter, especially. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right. | |
| That you can with a mouse. | ||
| With a mouse, you can turn around and, like, look at a guy. | ||
| Like, there's certain guys that would play. | ||
| Like, there's this kid. | ||
| He used to call him Fatality. | ||
| He used to call himself Fatality. | ||
| And the I in Fatality was, like, number one. | ||
| And he was, like, a world champion Quake player. | ||
| And when you would watch him play, he would make these split-second turns and shoot guys in the face that were falling off of buildings. | ||
| Like, guys would, like, be jumping off of buildings. | ||
| And he would spin. | ||
| And in midair, they would explode. | ||
| And he just had this this super tight Tuned-in sense of what the cursor was doing on the screen as he was moving And if you watch some of the really high-level Quake guys when they would play in what these things are called They're called demos and they can make a demo and then they could upload the demo and you could watch a match take place from their point of view right and you could see how How well they move in the game and it was just like my god like when you get to the really high levels of the game it's insanely adrenaline filled | ||
| because you're going down dark corridors people are shooting at you you're shooting at them your health is deteriorating before your eyes you're running to try to get more health you're running to try to get armor and new weapons and you're trying to control the map and waiting for the new weapon to respawn you got to get to this area within five seconds you have to time it all out in your head you have to know the map inside and out It becomes insanely addictive. | ||
| And the rush, the actual rush that you would get from these games is incredible. | ||
| I mean, it's just adrenaline pumping, heart beating, three-dimensional graphics, sound. | ||
| You have headphones on, so you hear three-dimensional sound. | ||
| Like, if you hear something to the right, that means someone is to your right. | ||
| Like, they are actually to your right in the game. | ||
| You run towards them, and there's these corridors. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's an amazing game. | ||
| And that's just one of them. | ||
| Backing into the fence and saying, fuck it, I can't do it. | ||
| Well, it's probably good for you because I lost years of my life playing those games. | ||
| I mean, I enjoyed it. | ||
| I enjoyed it, but I guarantee I lost years of my life. | ||
| It also coincided with a time where I wasn't writing many jokes. | ||
| Coincidentally. | ||
| Oh, right, right. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes if something becomes obsessive, there's a balance. | ||
| I want to have more fun stuff in my life that I do that's healthy and normal. | ||
| But, you know, I don't want to get addicted to anything else. | ||
| I don't want to put down one addiction. | ||
| And I hope I can just stay away from this one for a while. | ||
| I've been keeping a running tally. | ||
| It's the first time I ever did that. | ||
| A running tally financially. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Of how much you're spending on that stuff? | ||
| It's quite a bit, huh? | ||
| It's not, I mean, it's not, you know, I put it this way, in a year have I spent more than Charlie Sheen? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I mean, that one year that he talked $50,000 in a year, I was like, ugh. | ||
| That's nothing? | ||
| I wouldn't say it's nothing, but I've done more and I don't make Charlie Sheen money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Not every year and not up to this point this year. | ||
| Well, if you can replace it with something... | ||
| Isn't that what your mom used to tell you? | ||
| A message that your mom left you? | ||
| Dr. Phil said, you can go to the gym. | ||
| And that was in 2003. I put that on my second CD. Mother made a very good point. | ||
| She said, just go to the gym. | ||
| You can meet nice girls. | ||
| Instead of seeing the ladies of the evening, get in shape. | ||
| And she was right. | ||
| I did do that. | ||
| She called it ladies of the evening, too, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I forget what it was called. | ||
| It's... | ||
| Yeah, I don't remember what she called it. | ||
| I might even have it on my phone. | ||
| But if you picked up a game, like, I hate to say it, but even golf. | ||
| Like, golf becomes very addictive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure. | |
| It takes a lot of time, and guys do it for, like, long hours in the day. | ||
| But it's also fun. | ||
| You go with your buddies. | ||
| You go with Voss. | ||
| He could annoy you all day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you go and knock. | ||
| I mean, Voss plays basically every fucking day, right? | ||
| But I don't sleep well enough to pull it off, either. | ||
| My sleep's a big issue. | ||
| And I feel like this is why I get so frustrated and angry and just self-hating, because... | ||
| I try to do the right thing. | ||
| Like, I'll put the mask on. | ||
| Big boy went, got his test. | ||
| I went to three apnea tests. | ||
| Still can't do it. | ||
| Claustrophobic. | ||
| I fucking finally fall asleep. | ||
| And then I hear... | ||
| And I realize that the air is blowing out the side of the mask. | ||
| It's like everything, nothing syncs up right despite my best efforts. | ||
| And it's almost like you're always taught if you do the right thing, the right thing. | ||
| I've done all the legwork and I'm still getting fucking dogshit results and it makes me nuts. | ||
| It makes me so, I want to smash my face through a fucking window because I've done the right stuff and I still can't fall asleep. | ||
| And your sleep, maybe someone listening to this can shed some light or help you out in some sort of a way. | ||
| Probably not, though, because I bet you've talked about this on the radio enough times where someone has explored all the options with you. | ||
| Yeah, I have something called complex apnea. | ||
| It's central apnea, and it's obstructive. | ||
| Like, I was falling asleep on the plane. | ||
| I flew out here today, and it felt like someone just fucking put a sock in my mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was like... | |
| It was like my fucking dumb tongue lolled back over my throat. | ||
| But if it's not that, because I have a mouth guard I use, not the one you use, but I have one that does hold my jaw forward, then it's the central apnea. | ||
| When my tongue's not blocking things, my brain just goes, don't breathe. | ||
| And I don't breathe. | ||
| So the ASV machine I have, which I've tried CPAP and APAP and BiPAP and all that shit, ASV is the combination that's supposed to work with complex apnea. | ||
| It's a very, very intuitive machine. | ||
| Like it really picks up your breathing and it works with you. | ||
| Even that I can't sleep with. | ||
| Goddamn. | ||
| It stinks. | ||
| So when you put that thing on, you just can't get a good night's sleep at all? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, because I get claustrophobic. | ||
| Because the mask is on your face? | ||
| Yeah, it drives me nuts. | ||
| I'm stuffy, my douchey nose is stuffy. | ||
| Fucking Jimmy Norton's cunt nose is stuffy. | ||
| It makes me so frustrated. | ||
| And you think that the nose thing has something to do with allergies? | ||
| Yeah, big thing. | ||
| Big thing. | ||
| I mean, you know, I think so. | ||
| Are we all crazy? | ||
| Are all comics crazy? | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, like, literally... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not getting the air in there. | ||
| Physically, it's the truth, you know. | ||
| Yes, I think those things are both true. | ||
| I think we are all nuts, and I do think that I just can't breathe well. | ||
| Do you monitor your diet to keep your diet free of things that cause inflammation or anything? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| You know what's funny? | ||
| I have a feeling that certain things do it, like wheat probably does it to me. | ||
| I know when I eat sushi, I'm a throat-clearing jerk-off. | ||
| When I eat things like, you know, even the fat, anything milk-oriented bothers me. | ||
| So certain foods I can avoid And that makes it easier. | ||
| I use a Breathe Right strip. | ||
| Does that help? | ||
| Yeah, a little bit. | ||
| I mean, that and plus the mouth guard. | ||
| The one you got, I want to try to get, but because I have central apnea too, it won't fix it. | ||
| But the mouth guard has changed my life a little bit because it does keep my throat open. | ||
| So a lot of times, I am probably choking far less often than I would be normally. | ||
| So it's helped me a lot. | ||
| I just talked about this on the radio the other day with Opie. | ||
| One of the reasons, when Opie and Anthony had their fight recently, and they're actually cool. | ||
| I missed that fight. | ||
| I heard Opie talking about it. | ||
| No, you know what? | ||
| I heard you talking about Opie crying on the radio talking about it, but I missed the whole thing. | ||
| Yeah, Anthony had said some shit about Opie, and then Opie had responded. | ||
| From what? | ||
| What did they say? | ||
| What the hell did Ann say? | ||
| He was just talking about how it was difficult to work with him all these years and the stuff with his girlfriend. | ||
| He went through a history of why there's bad blood. | ||
| It just got to the point where I could tell on Twitter that those guys were gonna go. | ||
| I could sense it. | ||
| And I never said to Ann, are you gonna badmouth Opie? | ||
| I never said to Opie, what are you feeling? | ||
| But I could see through their tweets that some things that either one of them were saying were being misinterpreted. | ||
| It was just gonna happen. | ||
| So, Ant, you know, Opie said a few things on Twitter or on the show that Ant, I think, misinterpreted or even interpreted right and got mad. | ||
| A combination of both. | ||
| So, whatever. | ||
| They're fucking snipping at each other. | ||
| And then when Opie went back at him the next day, like after Ant really said some stuff on the compound show, Opie came back and he was pissed off. | ||
| And I was in a weird position only because I'm like, I'm not going to sit here and just play devil's advocate for Anthony because Ant needs to do that. | ||
| Like, they need to do that together. | ||
| And it almost seemed unfair for me to just sit there and now argue with Opie like I'm Anthony's mouthpiece. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you know what I mean? | ||
| And so I even said I didn't want to do that. | ||
| There was a couple of points I clarified, things that I thought Ant had made a valid point about. | ||
| But I wasn't going to just sit there and argue with Opie. | ||
| Like, let him and Ant fucking do that shit. | ||
| Like, I'm not that codependent. | ||
| It's like, let them fuck it. | ||
| But it was legit. | ||
| People thought it might have been manipulated, but I watched it happen, and nobody wants to do that shit. | ||
| That's embarrassing shit, especially a fucking audience like that. | ||
| Nobody wants to... | ||
| Sob on the air. | ||
| It's fucking awful. | ||
| Did he sob? | ||
| It wasn't... | ||
| It was a little bit... | ||
|
unidentified
|
If I only had a heart. | |
| It wasn't that bad, but he kind of caught himself, and he didn't want to... | ||
| It was like a little bit, but he just, you know, he was over remembering nice stuff. | ||
| He was remembering nice shit. | ||
| And I forget what I was going to, what was I saying? | ||
| I was just talking about something. | ||
| Why did I go down this road? | ||
| Um, I don't remember either. | ||
| I was talking about my breathing and about my fucking, why did I go down this road? | ||
| You're talking about Opie badmouthing them, that they fought back and forth? | ||
| No, but there was a reason I went down that road that made me think of those guys. | ||
| And I don't remember what it was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Are there people listening online? | ||
| Does anybody know? | ||
| I legitimately just lost my place. | ||
| Someone will say it right now on Twitter. | ||
| Yeah, like what was I saying that made me... | ||
| Because there was a reason I went down the road about them fighting about something that got talked about. | ||
| It was something I said after or something I thought of that one of them said. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| I don't know what it was. | ||
| Me going down that road was spawned by thinking of something else. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Motherfucker. | |
| God damn it. | ||
| I'm not saying... | ||
| I'm waiting for someone to put it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am too. | |
| Maybe there's a one minute... | ||
| Oh, I'm looking at Chip's tweets. | ||
| No wonder I'm not getting any fucking real information. | ||
| Chip's that mentions. | ||
| You have... | ||
| Chip is a separate character that you tweet through? | ||
| Him and Edgar both have their own Twitter, of course. | ||
| This way he's saying it to me, of course. | ||
| Chip has 44,000 followers. | ||
| Chip is a, you know, yeah, he's a force. | ||
| Let me see here. | ||
| Now on Jim Norton's, let's see how many. | ||
| I'm trying to see if anybody's mad. | ||
| I apologize for stalling like this. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I didn't mean to go down that road. | ||
| Someone will find it. | ||
| We're going to get corrected online. | ||
| But I want to know because there was a point I was making. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're talking about the mask? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| You said you spoke about the mask on the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're talking about it on the show? | |
| No, but I don't know. | ||
| I wouldn't have went down the Opie and Anthony thing. | ||
| There was something I was thinking of and I literally just lost my place. | ||
| That's how tired I am. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You know, let me tell you something. | ||
| Maybe it'll help you. | ||
| You know, what I really liked is that fucking thing that you wrote about Trevor Noah. | ||
| Oh, thank you. | ||
| That thing you wrote for Time Magazine? | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| That was really smart. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thanks, Joe. | |
| And really appropriate. | ||
| And exactly, you were exactly right. | ||
| The outrage was manufactured. | ||
| It's recreational outrage. | ||
| They found something, a green light to be a dick about, and they decided to be a dick about it. | ||
| And you wrote a really well-thought-out piece about that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| Yeah, it was just the... | ||
| Trevor Noah isn't the problem. | ||
| You are. | ||
| It's kind of hard sometimes. | ||
| The good thing about writing is you have a time to edit and you can get your thoughts in a row. | ||
| Instead of just reacting angrily... | ||
| You know, like you've had a flood of thoughts come. | ||
| Norman Lear explained this best. | ||
| Like, when you have a bunch of thoughts and you just... | ||
| You want to get them all out? | ||
| There's been certain things I wanted to write about, but I couldn't because you get blocked by the frustration. | ||
| What do I want to say? | ||
| And Norman Lear said, his therapist said to him years ago, picture it like a room that's on fire. | ||
| Did we talk about this? | ||
| He said, when everybody rushes for the door, they get stuck. | ||
| But if everybody walks out of the room one at a time, everyone gets out, and then you can section them off into people by height and people by color and couple them off. | ||
| That's the way it is with thoughts. | ||
| So it's almost like all this frustration. | ||
| I'll just talk it into this thing. | ||
| Just get it the fuck out one at a time, one at a time, and then formulate it. | ||
| Because something like that where you have so many feelings about it... | ||
| We try hard not to be self-righteous as comedians. | ||
| You really try just to make your thoughts known. | ||
| We all fall into it once in a while. | ||
| Every person does. | ||
| But it's hard. | ||
| You don't want to because that's a dick quality. | ||
| Yeah, well, there's a balancing act where you're creating something. | ||
| It's like, what tone am I trying to set here? | ||
| What's the best way to get this thought out where it's got the most impact? | ||
| How do I really feel about it versus what's the most entertaining version of it that I could say? | ||
| You know, how much did I twist it just for humor? | ||
| How much did I fuck around with it? | ||
| And that's the beautiful thing about stand-up is that it's all coming from your direction. | ||
| You can decide where to take it and tweak it. | ||
| And so you're going to have those little battles in your head about where to take things. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I always write stuff. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| This is why fans are great. | ||
| Because I wrote that piece and people get mad at me. | ||
| Why didn't you write one about Ant? | ||
| First of all, I've talked about him on stage and he's on my special. | ||
| Second of all, they didn't ask me to. | ||
| I don't call them and ask. | ||
| They just ask me. | ||
| I've turned them down for things I didn't think I was qualified to write about. | ||
| I was like, no, I'm not going to address that. | ||
| So how does that go? | ||
| They say, would you like to write something about Trevor Noah? | ||
| Do you have a relationship with them when they do that? | ||
| Yeah, they'll write to me and say, would you write... | ||
| Something about Trevor or they've written me when Robin died like would you like to write something? | ||
| I'm like yeah But they asked me about Joan Rivers. | ||
| I said no only because I loved her But I wasn't I just felt like so many people gonna be eulogizing let people who are better qualified to do it because I really didn't know her So if Joan Rivers was like Patrice you would have written something Of course, if they asked me to. | ||
| But again, it was only like I didn't know her well enough, and I would have been talking about her, but not from a knowledgeable point of view as someone who interacted with Joan a lot. | ||
| I was a huge fan. | ||
| I was bummed out that I never got to meet her. | ||
| I really wish I got to meet her. | ||
| I was supposed to do a In Bed with Joan, I think they called it. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was a podcast that you climb in bed with her and, you know, she would interview you from bed. | ||
| And, you know, you just laugh around, joke around with her. | ||
| I would have loved to have done it. | ||
| But for whatever reason, scheduling-wise, it had to be moved around. | ||
| And then, obviously, she died. | ||
| But it was quite a while after that. | ||
| First time I met Joan Rivers, I was on a flight coming from... | ||
| I mean, I loved her. | ||
| So I was on a flight coming from West Palm Beach, and I see Joan get on the plane, and she's two seats in front of me. | ||
| And her assistant recognized me. | ||
| So as we're getting on the plane, she's sitting there, and she doesn't look good. | ||
| And I just said, like, "Hi, I'm a comedian. | ||
| "You're awesome. | ||
| "I just think you're great." She said, "Thank you." And she's like, "You don't look funny." I'm like, "Well, I'm not." She was just breaking my mind. | ||
| So I sat down. | ||
| In moments like that, I'm terrible, by the way. | ||
| I'm the worst fun banter guy ever. | ||
| I stink at fun banter. | ||
| With anyone. | ||
| On elevators, my ex would laugh at me, because somebody would walk on and go, oh boy, this elevator's slow, and I'd just go, yes, it is. | ||
| Like, I'm a humorless cunt. | ||
| But it's not, I just panic. | ||
| So I sat down, and then her assistant came over with a piece of the New York Times, and he handed it to me. | ||
| He's like, Joan said you looked like you needed something to read. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So she gave me a piece of her paper, and I wanted to take a photo with her. | |
| I'm like, can we take a photo after the plane landed? | ||
| And she goes, yeah, but not here. | ||
| So she walked me up to the top, and she goes, hop on. | ||
| And she had one of those things that they zip through the airport with, and she gives me a ride. | ||
| On her fucking thing. | ||
| We speed through the airport. | ||
| And then we took a photo. | ||
| Not a good photo of either one of us. | ||
| But I eventually got her to sign it from someone else. | ||
| And I had met her a couple of times after that and said brief hellos. | ||
| I don't think she remembered me. | ||
| And the last time I spoke to her, I went to Louis C.K. Head on Thanksgiving two years ago. | ||
| He had Joan Rivers at his house. | ||
| He had Philip Seymour Hoffman at his house. | ||
| And he invited me. | ||
| And I said hi to her. | ||
| Wow, you went to a dinner party with Philip Seymour Hoffman and Joan Rivers at Louis C.K.'s house. | ||
| That's an amazing story. | ||
| Well, this is why Louis is so... | ||
| Louis would tell a great story. | ||
| This is why Louis is so incredible, because he's unafraid. | ||
| Like, someone told me, I think Nick DiPaolo was there, Bobby Kelly. | ||
| Bobby Kelly was so funny that day. | ||
| I panicked. | ||
| I'm just looking at Philip Seymour Hoffman. | ||
| You know, I said, I'll introduce myself. | ||
| But I'm not good in those moments. | ||
| Bob Kelly's just, yeah, fuck it, dad. | ||
| He's breaking balls. | ||
| He's the big, funny, ox, shit-talker, bully guy. | ||
| Moments like that, I really love Bobby because he's so good at being funny in those moments. | ||
| You know, like the ball-breaker from Boston that he is? | ||
| And Bobby's a guy who, in those moments, no matter who the guy is who tries to alpha Bob, Bob is... | ||
| A Yorkshire Terrier who would be slaughtered by a pit bull. | ||
| Because Bob's a guy who really doesn't back off from anybody. | ||
| Like, that's why he's funny. | ||
| Because, like, someone tries to alpha him and be funny. | ||
| And Bob, hey, not there! | ||
| And he's just, you know. | ||
| But that works for him. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So I really admired Bobby that day. | ||
| Because he was so funny in front of Phillips. | ||
| We were hopping. | ||
| All these other people. | ||
| And Ellen Burstyn was there. | ||
| You know, and I'm just staring at her like, she was in The Exorcist. | ||
| Yeah, she was in The Exorcist. | ||
| She played the mother in The Exorcist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What a bizarre party. | ||
| Louie knows the fucking weirdest people. | ||
| That sounds awesome. | ||
| And he was making Thanksgiving, and Joan was helping him. | ||
| What? | ||
| I think Nick DiPaolo told me that Louie had never done this. | ||
| That's why he's got such courage, because he'll do something like that. | ||
| That's why his show works, because he takes risks. | ||
| You know, I'm Samuel the Shy Sea Lion. | ||
| I just want to sit back until it's all in a row and everything's fucking organized. | ||
| So this was a Thanksgiving dinner party? | ||
| Oh, this was Thanksgiving, two years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Whoa! | ||
| And Philip showed up with his kids. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| That sounds amazing. | ||
| Yeah, Parker Posey was there. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| And fucking, by the way, I'm at the cappuccino machine. | ||
| Bobby and I are trying to make cappuccino, and Philip Seymour Hoffman comes over, and I'm just like, look, we're making cappuccino. | ||
| I'm so starstruck like a cunt. | ||
| And Bob's just being funny. | ||
| Bob's just being him in that moment. | ||
| He's able to be him and be funny. | ||
| And I was fucking so jealous of Bob that he could be so funny there. | ||
| But anyway, Joan was there, and I was just in awe of her. | ||
| I couldn't even speak to her. | ||
| She was there with Melissa, and it's when she walked out. | ||
| This is pre or post meeting her on the plane? | ||
| Oh, post! | ||
| All of it was post. | ||
| So she left, and I said, goodbye, it was nice seeing you, Joan. | ||
| And she went, okay. | ||
| Like, literally, she had no recognition of me. | ||
| And I saw Louie after that and I was like, God, it really hurts my feelings that she doesn't know who I am. | ||
| And I'm not like that around any comedian. | ||
| I'm not uncomfortable around comedians. | ||
| I'm not nervous around comedians. | ||
| Because I figure we all know each other in some way. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But around her, I was always like fucking head down. | ||
| I was like John Candy in Stripes when Larroquette's yelling at him. | ||
| Shut up! | ||
| Okay, sure. | ||
| I always had like that thing with Joan Rivers. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I didn't want her to not like me because she was just such a fucking icon. | ||
| And what did Louie say when you told him that? | ||
| He was nice, though. | ||
| He was smart. | ||
| Louie's so logical. | ||
| Louie's like, she's fucking an 80-year-old woman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a good impression. | |
| But that's how he is. | ||
| You forget because she's had work done. | ||
| She's fucking 80. She doesn't know anybody. | ||
| And I'm like, he's right. | ||
| Even though she was still fucking totally sharp. | ||
| But she was an 80-year-old woman at that time. | ||
| So of course, you know, maybe like the faces didn't ring as much of a bell as they should have. | ||
| Well, she's also insanely famous for so many fucking years. | ||
| Where she's probably all day talking to people that want a piece of her. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| All day they want to talk, they want pictures, they want this, they want that. | ||
| She probably just can't remember it all. | ||
| It's 50 fucking years of that in show business. | ||
| Yeah, everybody. | ||
| And that's how it was for me with Ozzy Osbourne. | ||
| Like, I've met Ozzy so many times. | ||
| And when he finally knew me, like, I knew he knew me. | ||
| Hey, man. | ||
| But I knew him. | ||
| He was like, hey, man, you look great. | ||
| How are you? | ||
| And it was like, it was like really the way I would greet Joe Rogan. | ||
| Like, it was just a buddy. | ||
| And like, when that happened, I was like, my fucking life is good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| But Joan, I never had that with her, and I wish I had. | ||
| Because she was one of my longest running idols. | ||
| I really loved her. | ||
| And not just because if someone dies, everybody whacks this poetic about them. | ||
| But I thought she was fucking great. | ||
| She's a ballsy lady. | ||
| She was a very ballsy lady. | ||
| Very brave. | ||
| She was braver than any of us because she never said she was sorry. | ||
| And she had so much to lose as far as, you know, I mean, I interviewed one time, what was his name? | ||
| Henry Bushkin. | ||
| He was Johnny's old lawyer, Carson's old lawyer. | ||
| And he wrote a book recently. | ||
| I wonder how Carson would have felt about him, the old lawyer, writing a book. | ||
| But he told all the old stories and I asked him about Joan Rivers. | ||
| And he had a very interesting perspective on how Carson never would have... | ||
| He said he wouldn't have cared. | ||
| He said Carson didn't think she would last in late night because she was a little too abrasive to be watched. | ||
| Johnny was a smart fucking guy. | ||
| But Henry Bushkin was a really... | ||
| Well, didn't Carson go bad on her? | ||
| Didn't they have some sort of a falling out? | ||
| Well, Johnny was apparently a cold mother. | ||
| His mother was really cold. | ||
| And boy, did it not... | ||
| The apple didn't fall far from the tree. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He would do... | ||
| Joan... | ||
| This is what I... Joan got the show. | ||
| And her husband, Edgar... | ||
| Said she should do her own talk show. | ||
| I believe it started at 11 or 11.30. | ||
| It was up against Johnny. | ||
| She did it because she was never considered for the permanent guest host job. | ||
| And she was hurt by that. | ||
| And she had had a career. | ||
| But apparently they had hung out with Johnny and not told him. | ||
| And I think if she had walked up to Carson and said, Johnny, look, I have this opportunity. | ||
| According to Henry Bushkin, Johnny's lawyer, Johnny would have wished her well because he didn't think... | ||
| He didn't think she had the longevity in Late Night just because of how she was. | ||
| And he might have been right, because you look at Carson, he was so easy breezy, and he had that fucking way, and he lasted. | ||
| And Joan's show lasted a little bit, but it didn't last. | ||
| So I don't know. | ||
| I guess he felt that she had betrayed him, and he never spoke to her again. | ||
| And I think she tried to call him once, and he hung up on her, and never. | ||
| She said she sent him a note when his son died. | ||
| His son drove off a cliff and died. | ||
| No response. | ||
| He was a cold motherfucker, Johnny, man. | ||
| When he was done with you, he was done. | ||
| Fucking finished. | ||
| The son drove off a cliff? | ||
| Well, by mistake. | ||
| I think it was an accident. | ||
| I don't think it was a suicide. | ||
| His son, Chris. | ||
| And I also heard that fucking when Johnny was eulogizing his son on The Tonight Show, fucking Fred DeCordova, who was his exec producer, gave him the rap sign to move it because a commercial was coming. | ||
| And I heard that Carson never forgave him either. | ||
| And he was never allowed on the floor of The Tonight Show again. | ||
| Johnny banished him to upstairs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Which again, these are just, you know, third and fourth hand shit stories. | ||
| Let's say them anyway. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Repeat them as gospel. | ||
| Don't you Snopes this. | ||
| But the fact that you fucking... | ||
| No, those are true. | ||
| But the fact that you... | ||
| Like, almost like with TV people, what are you thinking when this guy, who is such a god on television, is fucking eulogizing his son... | ||
| And you're wrapping him up. | ||
| What are you thinking? | ||
| That fucking Pampers can't wait five minutes? | ||
| Like, what's gonna happen to this show if you let him go? | ||
| Speaking of what's going to happen to the show, this one has to end. | ||
| Yes, it does. | ||
| We've been talking for a while. | ||
| This is good, though. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We've got to do this more often. | ||
| I love it, dude. | ||
| When I'm out here, I love doing you, and it's my favorite one to do. | ||
| I mean, I love Adam, but you I know for so many years, so this is the most fun I have. | ||
| We've known each other a long fucking time, dude. | ||
| Like I said, we met in, like, what, 91 or something like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mid-90s. | |
| Yeah, doing the quarter-deck in. | ||
| I still remember, I told you, I remember your Mike Tyson joke about how scary it must have been when fucking Mike showed up and Brad Pitt was with me. | ||
| You're like, you can't go check! | ||
| Can I talk you for a second? | ||
| And you did the Mike Tyson impression. | ||
| And you were very funny and you were very animated and a very powerful comic. | ||
| I know you use that word a lot, but that was how you struck me early on. | ||
| You had a tremendous amount of fucking force on stage. | ||
| And I was up there just meek doing high energy fucking faggity Jimmy. | ||
| How we doing? | ||
| Like me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How we doing? | |
| I always liked you. | ||
| I always thought you were funny. | ||
| You were very nice. | ||
| But it's interesting when you've gone through a journey like that with someone, when you've been friends since you were both starting out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, it's weird. | ||
| It's weird when you go back and you look at all the time that's passed and how much each one of us has evolved and grown. | ||
| You know, it's cool to see someone that you started out with being really successful, too. | ||
| I'm really psyched for you. | ||
| Thank you, man. | ||
| Yeah, I hope people liked the new special. | ||
| They're going to love it! | ||
| They love you. | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| You're one of the best comics working today. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you. | |
| I really believe that. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| One of the best comics in the world. | ||
| You're a good man. | ||
| Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Norton, one of the best comics in the world. | ||
| You could get him on Twitter, Jim Norton on Twitter. | ||
| You could fucking email him. | ||
| He'll email you back. | ||
| If you're not a douchebag, that's TheRealJimNorton at Gmail. | ||
| You can see the special April 24th. | ||
| Friday night. | ||
| Friday night, April 24th on Epix. | ||
| And EpixHD.com, I think, if you don't get Epix. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Glorious. | |
| Thank you, my brother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Thank you, buddy. | |
| Always good to hang with you. |
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