Jan. 28, 2015 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:00:18
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
|
the Joe Rogan experience Barry Rothbard, ladies and gentlemen. | |
| What's up, dude? | ||
| Oh, nothing. | ||
| I'm feeling good. | ||
| California weed. | ||
| Gotcha, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A little bit. | ||
| That Queens weed is just not the same. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| There is no weed in Queens. | ||
| Queens is... | ||
| You gotta go to the Bronx. | ||
| I used to go up to Fordham to get weed. | ||
| Queens doesn't have any? | ||
| Where are you from? | ||
| Well, I used to... | ||
| I was born in New Jersey. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I lived in Boston for most of my young adult life. | ||
| When I lived in New York, I lived in New Rochelle, which is outside of Queens. | ||
| But that's like close to where weed is. | ||
| Yeah, but I never... | ||
| I didn't smoke weed back then. | ||
| Very, very rarely. | ||
| I didn't really smoke weed until I was 30 living here. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I discovered weed and I was just like, man, movies are great. | ||
| Who knew? | ||
| Ice cream is delicious. | ||
| Who knew that movies were amazing? | ||
| Yeah, everything is better. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| I was like, oh my god, there's like... | ||
| Ben Folds is great. | ||
| You know, you're just like... | ||
| As soon as you take your first hit of weed, you're just like, oh my god, Ben Folds? | ||
| And those are the things that people don't like about people that smoke weed when they talk about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, yeah, oh my god, this movie's amazing. | |
| Oh, look at the sunset. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| But it is. | ||
| It is, yeah. | ||
| The sunset's incredible. | ||
| That's a weird thing with the people that don't like the effects of pot, because the effects of pot is just like... | ||
| You become calmer and, like, super appreciative of everything. | ||
| Like, you know, they'll call it, like, stoner talk. | ||
| But what it really is, like, recognizing the wonder in things that you ordinarily take for granted. | ||
| You know, I think a lot of that has to do with time dilation because things feel longer. | ||
| So I think you're able to appreciate things in the moment a little bit more. | ||
| Yeah, definitely possible. | ||
| Because a minute feels like two minutes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think there's a bunch of things going on, right? | ||
| No, that's it. | ||
| That's the only thing. | ||
| Why does life seem shorter, though? | ||
| It seems like every year goes faster. | ||
| Is that because we're so stoned? | ||
| And it's like... | ||
| It doesn't add up? | ||
| No, I think that's just a facet of recognizing how brief it really is. | ||
| As you get older and you hit 40, you go, oh Jesus, if everything goes great, I'm at the halfway point. | ||
| Like if I don't get cancer, hit by a bus, die in a car accident, like all these different variables that you start to consider and then you realize when you work all day too, you think about how quick a goddamn day goes by. | ||
| You're saying that things slow down when you get older? | ||
| No, I'm saying you're saying it slows down when you smoke weed and you appreciate everything, but yet life seems like it's going faster at the same time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But as I've gotten older, I've actually been way more appreciative of things. | ||
| I don't know why, like in my 20s, I was just like, who cares? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I'm way more appreciative too, but I agree with you that time does seem like it's going faster. | ||
| It's February this weekend. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's February. | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| It was just January. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, not only that, it was just July. | ||
| It was hot. | ||
| It's like a year is not nearly as long as we used to think it was. | ||
| And I think part of that also is when you're a kid, you're in fucking school. | ||
| And those nine months of classes seem like forever. | ||
| It's an eternity. | ||
| Because you're forced to do something you don't want to do. | ||
| Once you get older and you kind of recognize what that really was, you realize how short a year actually is. | ||
| But if you ask a 21-year-old right now, is a year long? | ||
| And they're like, dude, it's totally long. | ||
| I wonder if they feel... | ||
| That's a good impression of a 21-year-old. | ||
| Well, it's a percentage of their life, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it's great. | |
| It's super long. | ||
| Dude, it's so long. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true, that's true. | |
| If you're 20 years old and, you know, you go through a year. | ||
| Yeah, you see things in a different perspective when you're older. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, you could look back on two years and it's just like, oh my God, like, that two years was nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When you're a kid, you're just like, that's like a third of my life. | ||
| Two years. | ||
| We're time travelers. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, when you're a little kid, like, every year is a huge deal, you know? | ||
| That's why you say, like, I'm four and a half. | ||
| You know, no one says I'm 24 and a half. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's true. | |
| Imagine if you were dating a girl and you go, how old are you? | ||
| And she's like 24 and a half. | ||
| You're like, I gotta go. | ||
| You're fucking, you're six. | ||
| You're like, you have some genetic abnormality that makes you look like you're 24. 24 and a fourth. | ||
| Yeah, that's a weird thing about kids today, right? | ||
| With this thing that they're saying that hormones in the meat are causing them to reach puberty quicker than ever before, and that girls that are like 12 and 13 years old, they look like women. | ||
| And they're getting fur. | ||
| Have you noticed girls are getting furrier lately? | ||
| I think it's from the meat. | ||
| Is this your own subject? | ||
| So wait, hold on. | ||
| Well, have you noticed that? | ||
| No. | ||
| So there's hormones in meat that are making kids grow up quicker? | ||
| I didn't hear that. | ||
| Well, there's a bunch of factors that they believe are making kids grow We have incredibly abundant resources when it comes to food. | ||
| Crazy meat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All hormone-filled. | ||
| And on top of that, antibiotics. | ||
| They're thinking antibiotics are having a weird effect on people because you're absorbing a certain amount of it from the food that you eat. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's a lot of variables. | ||
| Well, when you look back at humans from, like... | ||
| A hundred years ago. | ||
| Why are they so much smaller? | ||
| They didn't have much food. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Yeah, it was hard to get food back then. | ||
| I don't even mean fat smaller, like just smaller, smaller. | ||
| That's a function of having... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bone-wise. | |
| Yeah, well, it's not having enough food. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, when you look at what people can do today, where you just go into a supermarket and you get cold meat, like that wasn't that easy back then. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| There was no freezers. | ||
| I just saw a documentary about the Russian hockey team and they were saying how they came to America for the first time in the 70s. | ||
| Like the one that we beat in the 80s. | ||
| And they were like, you can get vegetables in the winter? | ||
| What does this mean? | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| How do you get fruit and vegetables when people can't grow them here? | ||
| Yeah, our shipping, the ability to get oranges from Florida to New Mexico, it's fucking incredible. | ||
| Like, that's never existed in time. | ||
| So 100 years ago, they had to eat what was near them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they had the ice house where I'm at tonight in Pasadena was an ice house. | ||
| It was a place they would take giant blocks of ice from the Great North. | ||
| They would put them on boats. | ||
| They would put them in these cargoes that were insulated. | ||
| They had these thick walls and steel and all this different stuff to try to encapsulate the cold. | ||
| And then they would bring them to Pasadena and you would go and buy ice. | ||
| And you would put it in your ice box. | ||
| So if you had milk or something like that and you didn't want it to go bad, you want it to last like two days. | ||
| No preservatives. | ||
| There's just no preservatives. | ||
| You had to just store everything. | ||
| Everything, but not only that, everything went quick. | ||
| You couldn't, you had to keep shopping. | ||
| You had to go to the grocery store like every other day. | ||
| And when are we talking? | ||
| When is this? | ||
| A hundred years ago. | ||
| A hundred years ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So the people that you're looking at, these little tiny, like Civil War people, men were like 125 pounds. | ||
| That was like the average size for a man. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Everybody's always comparing what if current athletes played athletes from the 60s. | ||
| It would destroy them. | ||
| It would be such a slaughter fest. | ||
| People are bigger, faster, even without steroids. | ||
| There would be a few people that would It's always crazy when people are just like, well, what if Wilt Chamberlain went against LeBron James? | ||
| And it's like, not even a contest. | ||
| But, if Wilt Chamberlain was still a giant man, the other thing is, if Wilt Chamberlain lived today... | ||
| They didn't have the speed, they didn't have the... | ||
| The game is so quicker and different in every sport. | ||
| But, don't you think that they... | ||
| Like, Wilt Chamberlain was a super athlete. | ||
| He was a big, tall, strong dude. | ||
| So if he just got involved in the same sort of strength and conditioning programs that today's modern athletes get involved with... | ||
| Understood nutrition, recovery, all the different shit that Kobe Bryant does. | ||
| Kobe Bryant was one of the first guys to go to Germany and get that blood-spinning procedure. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He was on top of the cryogenic thing, too, before anybody. | ||
| He goes to those 250 degree below zero booths for like three minutes. | ||
| Which, why is that legal if steroids aren't? | ||
| Well, it's not as good. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| It's pretty good, but it's not just steroids. | ||
| Steroids turn you into a super person. | ||
| But what these guys can do today with all that is partially why they're so good. | ||
| And also that people imitate their atmosphere. | ||
| If you're around a bunch of Michael Jordans, it elevates the game. | ||
| It's not that the physical capabilities of the elite athletes are that much different. | ||
| I think you have to be better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You look at the people who came before you and you're not going to be like, well, I'll settle for half of what they did. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're going to be like, I've got to be better than that. | ||
| Could you imagine if Babe Ruth came back and tried to compete against Jose Canseco when Jose Canseco was in his juicin' prime or Mark McGuire? | ||
| First of all, I feel like Babe Ruth would be brought up on rape charges immediately. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Immediately. | |
| He would be the Bill Cosby of baseball. | ||
| Like, that was probably just like, oh yeah, of course! | ||
| She said no! | ||
| You're on the Yankees! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I think rape was probably like super-duper-duper common, you know, a thousand years ago. | ||
| Like, almost everybody raped. | ||
| I guarantee you, you can go back to a point of like really primitive man when it was unbelievably common. | ||
| And I think that's like one of the things that people are freaking out about today. | ||
| Like when, you know, this whole argument about rape culture and discussion about rape jokes and all this. | ||
| Just thinking like in a court, like how funny of a defense that would be. | ||
| Go back a hundred years ago, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's totally normal. | |
| So I have a slave. | ||
| Dude, do you not know how this country was founded? | ||
| You know, that's like the Second Amendment argument, you know? | ||
| This country's founded the right to bear arms. | ||
| It's also founded by people that own slaves. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, those people you worship were slave owners. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was founded by people who couldn't fit in in Europe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, people who just were like, I don't, you know, I'm the weirdo here. | ||
| And people that were so fucking fed up that they got in a boat with no vegetables and they went across the ocean. | ||
| No vegetables, no energy bars, nothing. | ||
| A lot of them got sick as fuck. | ||
| People died on that trip. | ||
| I mean, that's a long trip with shitty, shitty food. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What did they eat back then? | ||
| Like beef, turkey and stuff? | ||
| Like, what could they preserve? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fish. | |
| Fish. | ||
| They probably just ate fish, right? | ||
| Did they catch fish? | ||
| Is that proven? | ||
| They would have to try to catch fish. | ||
| Why would you not? | ||
| You're in the ocean. | ||
| That would be crazy. | ||
| I would assume grain. | ||
| Probably a lot of grain. | ||
| Well, they're also always traveling, too. | ||
| When you're fishing, presumably, even if you're trolling, which means pulling behind, I would imagine the boat would be going faster than that if it's got oars and sails, those big crazy fucking sails. | ||
| How about they're going faster than you would want to troll for? | ||
| So you're not going to slow down on the off chance that you catch a fish. | ||
| What's trolling? | ||
| Trolling is like when they take a line and they pull it behind a boat with a hook and a flashy lure and the fish see it and they think it's a fish trying to swim away and they chase after it and they eat it. | ||
| It's instinctive. | ||
| They can't help themselves. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Yeah, it's a boring way of fishing. | ||
| I just went deep sea fishing in Redondo Beach this weekend. | ||
| We just dropped a line down? | ||
| Yeah, and I had a really bad experience. | ||
| I caught a pelican, a live pelican, because I didn't drop it quick enough, and the pelicans will go for it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| I caught like I think a 50-pound pelican like this pelican was gigantic and they had to like some dude some captain dude came out he's like I got this and he pulled the pelican out by his beak out of the water and had to like cut the hook off so he's just like living with a hook in him now. | ||
| I had the same thing happen once with a seal. | ||
| A seal stole. | ||
| A seal or a sea lion? | ||
| One of those fucking things. | ||
| I was fishing with these guys, these camera dudes from news radio. | ||
| They were big time fishermen. | ||
| They'd go out every weekend. | ||
| The show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm like, alright, one day I was like, come on, let's go, let's go. | ||
| So we all went out fishing. | ||
| I fucking didn't catch any fish, but I caught a fucking seal. | ||
| Did you take it? | ||
| No, we had to cut the line. | ||
| It was so awful. | ||
| Like, it's a mammal. | ||
| It's got a hook in its mouth. | ||
| It's got, like, a personality. | ||
| It's a testament to the intelligence of dolphins, because you never hear about someone accidentally catching a dolphin. | ||
| Maybe that's what they used to eat back in the day, though. | ||
| They would just get one big dolphin and feed, like, 20 people. | ||
| They might have ate dolphins or bigger fish instead of trying to catch these smaller fish. | ||
| Well, people definitely killed dolphins, but they would never... | ||
| Have you seen The Cove? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, they kill and eat dolphins, for sure. | ||
| They always have been. | ||
| But they don't catch them with hooks. | ||
| I mean, you'd have to, like, you'd have to jig them, which means, like, you'd have to pass, throw the hook over their body, and pull on it, like, catch their body. | ||
| They're not going to willingly bite a fake fish. | ||
| They're too smart. | ||
| No, but dolphins are so nice, they probably came up with, like, hey, can we help you guys? | ||
| And they're just like... | ||
| Yeah, there's definitely been some of that. | ||
| Hey, what's up, guys? | ||
| You need help? | ||
| They probably ate cuter things back in the day. | ||
| Like, you know, things that usually you're like, oh, look, a seal or like a little baby sea lion. | ||
| You know, back then that was like, no, that's like turkey dinner for like three weeks for our village or something. | ||
| Yeah, we think things are too cute now. | ||
| We gotta get over how cute things are. | ||
| Is that the first bird that you almost killed? | ||
| Have you killed a bird before? | ||
| I've never killed a bird. | ||
| Even killing a fish is weird. | ||
| I'm not from the country where I grew up killing anything. | ||
| Killing things are weird. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I feel weird killing bugs sometimes. | ||
| Yeah, it's a weird thing. | ||
| I just feel weird. | ||
| It's like weird to take a life, but you know, you gotta, you know, I gotta eat, right? | ||
| But it's even weirder that we have somebody else do it, like a supermarket hitman. | ||
| Oh yeah, I'm cool with that. | ||
| That's the weirdest part about it though, isn't it? | ||
| It is, and it's cool. | ||
| Well, it is cool. | ||
| Well, it's cool to be able to get, like, to just be able to go to the store and they have lamb. | ||
| You know, the fucking amount of effort you would have to go through to get a sheep and kill it and butcher it and chop up the pieces. | ||
| Raise it and then kill it? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| You gotta be friends with it for a while? | ||
| So these people who are doing it are doing us a huge service. | ||
| But there's also a weirdness with people. | ||
| If you don't think of yourself as being a killer, even while you're wearing leather shoes, you've got a belt on that's made out of alligators. | ||
| We're wearing Nike that's made by Filipino kids with bloody fingers. | ||
| No fingernails. | ||
| Chapped lips. | ||
| We can't think about this stuff. | ||
| Dehydrated. | ||
| That's like the contract we make when we're like, we want to live in a society where we have convenience, right? | ||
| Yeah, I was listening to this Radiolab podcast about cities, and they were talking about the hectic, crazy pace of cities. | ||
| And they were saying that the pace is directly mathematically related to how many people live in the city. | ||
| The pace? | ||
| The pace. | ||
| The pace of the way you talk. | ||
| The amount of syllables per second, the amount of steps per minute that you take when you're walking, directly related to the population of the city. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| They broke it down as a mathematical equation with these physicists. | ||
| They thought this through and they've done all these tests where they called people, they called post offices, they called and they set up Like waypoints, like here's like the start, here's the beginning, and they measured everybody who walks through that waypoint, like an unknown waypoint. | ||
| They had no idea they were being studied. | ||
| They put a piece of string down on the ground. | ||
| They tied it to one post and another post. | ||
| So they had an arbitrary beginning start time and end time. | ||
| And these people would walk through it, and they would count in every city what is the average number. | ||
| So this guy walked, you know, 20 feet per second or whatever. | ||
| This guy walked 15. And they would figure out how many steps, and they would throw it all into a computer. | ||
| And they found out that it's directly proportional to how many people live in the area. | ||
| He's the fastest walkers, do you remember? | ||
| Well, I didn't pay attention. | ||
| I was just fascinated. | ||
| They were just reading out a bunch of numbers. | ||
| I should be skinny, though. | ||
| You know, because wouldn't LA be one of the most per-kappa people that live in the city and the most people in the per-city, right? | ||
| What do you imagine? | ||
| I'd say LA is probably skinny. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of people in LA, but... | ||
| LA is also spread out, but you shouldn't be skinny because of what you fucking eat and drink. | ||
| That's so dumb that you think that way. | ||
| I walk so much. | ||
| If you walk a mile a day, you're probably sprain your ankle. | ||
| I just don't think I'm a fast walker. | ||
| You're not a fast walker. | ||
| You have to walk a lot, I think, to actually lose weight from it. | ||
| I would assume. | ||
| Sometimes I got into biking at some point and I was like, here we go. | ||
| Here comes the exercise. | ||
| Do you know how little exercise biking is? | ||
| You have to ride like 25 miles a day to get like a really good workout. | ||
| Yeah, that's a lot of risk. | ||
| 25 miles is 25 miles of possibility. | ||
| A lot of risk. | ||
| 25 miles of possibility where cars can hit you. | ||
| Lions. | ||
| Cars. | ||
| Talk a lion, man. | ||
| I'm talking about real things. | ||
| Cars, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, mountain lions are a problem with people who dirt bike ride. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they say it's like rolling a ball of yarn past a cat. | ||
| You know, a cat can't resist themselves. | ||
| When they see a mountain back go by, it's like they think it's trying to run from them. | ||
| I hear they're fine with people, though, like hikers and stuff. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, they're not. | ||
| There's, like, mountain lions in Griffith. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And, like, I go hiking there. | ||
| Am I at risk? | ||
| Oh, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, most likely the mountain lion's gonna stay clear of you because they've learned over the years that when you fuck with people, you usually get killed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So they develop these instincts to stay shy of people. | ||
| But... | ||
| If the wrong mountain lion with a sprained ankle finds you, and you're there when it's hungry, and it says, fuck it, I'm not starving to death, and it just takes you down, that can happen too. | ||
| It doesn't happen that often. | ||
| The jury's kind of out on how you deal with a mountain lion attack, right? | ||
| It's not the same as a bear. | ||
| You don't play dead, right? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| You fight back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You fight back. | |
| You punch it in the face. | ||
| You fight back. | ||
| Or is that a shark? | ||
| Well, you do whatever you can. | ||
| If you can punch it, punch it. | ||
| You do whatever you can. | ||
| You want to make it so that it's worried about being injured by... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you get big? | |
| Yes. | ||
| Okay, you get big, yell. | ||
| Yell. | ||
| Yeah, you're supposed to jump your arms up in the air, but oddly enough, you're not supposed to make eye contact with it. | ||
| Sounds like my sex life. | ||
| That's a terrible joke. | ||
| Sorry, guys. | ||
| Take off your shirt, make it into a ball, and throw it. | ||
| I pretend to be really big. | ||
| I throw my shirt. | ||
| I would do cat things, I think, because it's still a cat. | ||
| Do that with a cat that's going... | ||
| That's terrifying, man. | ||
| They're not going to let you roll a ball past them. | ||
| They don't give a fuck about that ball. | ||
| Large cats are so terrifying to me. | ||
| Mountain lions are awful. | ||
| If you get bitten by one, they're awful. | ||
| Have you gotten bitten by one? | ||
| No. | ||
| I can see that you fought a mountain lion at some point. | ||
| You can see that? | ||
| I can see that. | ||
| A guy in Cupertino, his six-year-old kid got attacked right in front of him. | ||
| They were walking on a trail. | ||
| That's where Apple is. | ||
| Mountain lion jumps out, bites a kid. | ||
| There's mountain lions, like, in Hollywood. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I saw a fox on the street in Hollywood. | ||
| What? | ||
| A fox just walking around. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| In Los Feliz. | ||
| I'm sure it wasn't a cougar? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Are you talking about a real fox? | ||
| Yeah, a real fox. | ||
| Yeah, they have real foxes. | ||
| In LA? Yeah, they're very, very rare. | ||
| What do you mean, like a fake fox? | ||
| He was trying to say, like, foxy lady. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Oh, yeah, I saw a real foxy lady. | ||
| I thought you were saying that. | ||
| I saw this thing was a fox. | ||
| I saw this real fox in Los Feliz. | ||
| No, I didn't think that foxes were in LA. Isn't that funny? | ||
| Like a fox walking around. | ||
| My friend's cat just got eaten by coyotes. | ||
| That happens all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Did you see there was a article showing frozen people and animals and people that have died from being frozen? | ||
| Like a lot of the homeless people just like sitting there on like a park bench frozen. | ||
| But one thing was interesting was a Jamie, they have a fox frozen in water. | ||
| It's a fox that was trying to cross this water and it just froze like mid thing. | ||
| There's an elk that was frozen standing up and the coyotes ate it while it was standing up. | ||
| So it's like just skeletons standing up in a field stuck in the snow and ice. | ||
| It's so creepy. | ||
| The homeless people. | ||
| There was one guy with his eyes wide open looking. | ||
| Look at this bottom one right there. | ||
| Why is its eye so messed up? | ||
| Because it's frozen. | ||
| It's super cold. | ||
| I'm actually, you know what, I'm cool with animals that die naturally in the wild. | ||
| They all die naturally. | ||
| Everything is, you know, it'd be unnatural if they stayed alive. | ||
| Unless this has to do with global warming, I'm fine with it. | ||
| Can we prove that this has nothing to do with global warming? | ||
| What are your thoughts on global warming? | ||
| Love it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you happy? | |
| Huge fan. | ||
| My thoughts on it. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I mean, it's hard to deny that something fucked up is happening right now, right? | ||
| Yeah, pretty hard to deny. | ||
| Yeah, I definitely believe that we've fucked things up. | ||
| I don't know if we have. | ||
| I think we certainly have done a lot of damage as far as pollution and Particulates, but I listen to people that say that they know that we have done it and I believe them and I trust them. | ||
| You mean scientists? | ||
| Yeah, but I don't know. | ||
| You know, I have no idea. | ||
| I'm an idiot. | ||
| Why don't we believe scientists on that? | ||
| Well, I certainly do. | ||
| I mean, what I'm saying is I don't know what the fuck is going on. | ||
| I'm listening to them and they're making a lot of sense and I would always go towards the scientists, but I have no idea Like whether or not people are actually causing global warming or whether or not global warming is going to be the sky is falling moment that 2000 wasn't or that 2012 wasn't. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I just feel like it's so scary that we are just like, I don't want to deal with that right now. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah, I think it's like one of these things where in order to actually deal with it, we'd have to be way more scared. | ||
| Right now. | ||
| Because every time a report comes out, scientists are just like, yeah, it's going to be all over in like 20 years. | ||
| But didn't they say that about AIDS, too? | ||
| That AIDS would be over in 20 years? | ||
| Remember, we'd all be dead by 97 or something like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did they say that? | |
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| There were some doom and gloom motherfuckers back when Magic Johnson came out with AIDS. That's when everybody fucking panicked. | ||
| Because it was like a zombie movie where the president goes on TV and tells you he's a zombie. | ||
| I'm sorry, I'm gonna become a zombie in a couple days. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| Like, Magic Johnson? | ||
| Magic Johnson was the king. | ||
| He's a celebrity! | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| He's a fucking huge super athlete. | ||
| He's one of the best basketball players of all time. | ||
| It would be like if LeBron came out with global warming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, he just was like, I have global warming. | ||
| Oh my god, LeBron's got global warming. | ||
| Is there any positive things about AIDS, though? | ||
| Besides weight loss and stuff like that, is there anything positive to look at it? | ||
| Because I know so many people that have AIDS now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, they don't have AIDS. They have HIV. Positive? | |
| You probably get to do a lot of interviews. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, I've seen this, there was some scientific study they did where they injected a sick person with HIV, like the HIV to combat some other disease, like it was an inert form of HIV that could infect them. | ||
| Yeah, I did hear that. | ||
| Did you hear about that? | ||
| Didn't we cure it? | ||
| Well, this is what they're trying to do now. | ||
| They're trying to, this is like some radical new form of therapy for certain diseases, like in cancer even. | ||
| They're injecting diseases into the disease so that the disease fights the cancer. | ||
| It might be the other way around. | ||
| I think cancer can defeat AIDS. Really? | ||
| It's like Freddy vs. | ||
| Jason. | ||
| It's rock, paper, scissors of diseases. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You would never think a paper would beat a rock, but it does. | |
| That's true. | ||
| I'm not even kidding. | ||
| I think that there's something like if you inject a certain type of cancer into an AIDS cell, it just goes like, it just fucking kills the AIDS. Well, there's no AIDS cell, right? | ||
| There's T cells that are bad, and it's your immune system that's shot. | ||
| So with AIDS, it'll be really hard. | ||
| I think you're reversing it. | ||
| Yeah, it's not. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But there's like an actual, like, you could see what AIDS looks like. | ||
| There's like a photo of AIDS. If you want to bring something up on Google, photo of AIDS. There's a photo of the virus, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Can they find that and isolate it in your body? | ||
| I know that they did the HIV thing with a tumor because they could find the tumor and then just shoot something into it. | ||
| So you could possibly put HIV and herpes and have HIV instead of herpes and some people would actually probably rather have that. | ||
| Who would want that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Herpes is... | ||
| Well, are those drugs you have to take, those protease inhibitors, are those really bad for your body? | ||
| For AIDS? Yeah, the HIV. Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, I don't know if they're as bad anymore. | ||
| I hear AIDS belly is a thing now. | ||
| You get, like, AIDS belly. | ||
| I'm not kidding. | ||
| Brian, stand up. | ||
| Is that four of cum? | ||
| This is AIDS belly. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| There were all these ads all over New York at some point that were like, are you dealing with AIDS belly? | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Swear to God. | ||
| There's a thing. | ||
| Call in if you guys have AIDS belly. | ||
| That might be one of those things that someone created as a marketing ploy. | ||
| I'm trying to sell my ab regimen and it's not working. | ||
| Drink Gatorade. | ||
| Tell people they have AIDS belly. | ||
| Do you suffer from AIDS belly? | ||
| I thought that was a real commercial for a second. | ||
| Yeah, I... I do too. | ||
| I think it's the pills that distend your belly. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We know a dude who has HIV. He's fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I do too. | ||
| I've known several people that got it, and I was like, man, how much longer? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Is it the same guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe. | |
| We'll talk later. | ||
| I don't want to out somebody. | ||
| Magic Johnson. | ||
| No! | ||
| I know an actual person that I actually know. | ||
| And, you know, he's fine. | ||
| I just don't understand how we thought that it was going to kill everybody. | ||
| Well, I guess I understand. | ||
| Scientists figured out a way to cure most of the issues that come along with that disease. | ||
| So what was a death sentence? | ||
| Well, you're all, I'm assuming, and I don't know this person you know, but I'm assuming that they are of the middle class and they are, like, they're not, like, a poor, poverty-stricken person, right? | ||
| He's not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
| No. | ||
| He's actually probably pretty poor. | ||
| It's all paid for by insurance. | ||
| I assume people still do die of AIDS, right? | ||
| That's the question. | ||
| We were actually asking this the other night. | ||
| When was the last time you heard about someone dying of AIDS? It used to be Freddie Mercury died of AIDS. Holy shit, Freddie Mercury? | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| There was always these people that were dying of AIDS. You don't hear that anymore. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Definitely not high-profile people. | ||
| I don't even know about low-profile. | ||
| We don't know, so let's just take a guess. | ||
| How many AIDS deaths per year would you... | ||
| 2014. Let's say 2014. They might be adding like 2009 in it. | ||
| I would say... | ||
| $70,000. | ||
| $60,000. | ||
| This is like a really dark price is right. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That many? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| $60,000? | ||
| I would say maybe even higher. | ||
| In the U.S.? Okay, let's say the U.S. because here's where it gets funky when they start counting Africa. | ||
| And one of the reasons why it gets funky is because if you say there's HIV... Oh, you're thinking of the world. | ||
| I thought you meant USA. USA. Let's just go with USA. Because if you go with the world, the real problem with the world is, as it's been explained to me, in Africa, they can get funding from AIDS organizations if someone has HIV. They will say, you know, this person is getting AIDS. They're testing positive for AIDS. And this is like, there's X amount of AIDS cases. | ||
| But they might not have HIV. And they're not going to test them for it. | ||
| They might have a bunch of different diseases. | ||
| Like in Africa, you could have a whole host of different diseases that destroy your immune system. | ||
| So they might have HIV, but they also might have a bunch of other shit. | ||
| That's what I was going to say. | ||
| Like, you die of pneumonia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| When they say 30,000, when they say those numbers in Africa, what's been explained to me by legit scientists is that it's possible that you have to consider that those people don't all have HIV. It might be unrelated illnesses that's causing their immune system to get destroyed. | ||
| Some of them might have HIV, but some of them might have cancers and toxic poisoning. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| There could be a lot of other issues. | ||
| They're just seeing people who have AIDS. They're not testing every single person that they throw into this grand number. | ||
| But that's not in the U.S. Not in the U.S. So in the U.S., yeah, that's what I was saying. | ||
| Let's go with the U.S., not worldwide. | ||
| What do you want to say? | ||
| I'm going to say 20,000. | ||
| Okay, I say 12. I say 60. How many people in the US died of AIDS in 2014? | ||
| An estimated 1.5 million people died from AIDS in 2013. 39 million people have died worldwide. | ||
| Oh my god, we're so dumb. | ||
| What's wrong with us? | ||
| An estimated 1.5 million people. | ||
| I feel so dumb right now. | ||
| This is worldwide. | ||
| Oh, worldwide. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Africa is 90%. | ||
| But still. | ||
| 1.4 in Africa. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Sub-Saharan Africa, here it is. | ||
| Sub-Saharan Africa has the biggest burden of HIV-AIDS with almost 70% of the global total of new HIV infections. | ||
| But that's HIV. Hmm. | ||
| Death. | ||
| They're not saying AIDS. You've got to say in the U.S. AIDS-related deaths in the U.S. In 2010, HIV was the seventh leading cause of death. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| That sounds like a lot of people. | ||
| 1.1 million people in the U.S. right now are living with HIV. Oh, here we go. | ||
| I was right. | ||
| The estimated deaths, 13,834. | ||
| Wow, you were closest. | ||
| Yeah, and that was in 2011. You know, that sounds like a lot, right? | ||
| That's a lot of people. | ||
| I mean, that's a lot of people. | ||
| Still a lot of people. | ||
| If it's the seventh... | ||
| Yeah, but look at something like pneumonia or even chicken pox or how many people die a year from just anything. | ||
| How many people die of alcohol? | ||
| You know, things like that. | ||
| Number one. | ||
| Oh, that's giant. | ||
| That's 70,000. | ||
| 70,000 plus in America every year. | ||
| Every year. | ||
| Just directly from drinking themselves to death. | ||
| Yeah, but that's not even like car-related deaths from alcohol. | ||
| That's not domestic violence, murder. | ||
| How many from pot? | ||
| Zero. | ||
| Yeah, zero. | ||
| There's probably been some people that have done some stupid shit that's caused them to die because they were on pot. | ||
| Dabs. | ||
| If you smoked pot and then just drove off the fucking bridge because you spaced and you drowned, does pot take that hit? | ||
| Are there numbers? | ||
| I don't think there are numbers on that. | ||
| Must be. | ||
| There must be. | ||
| Because I've never heard that in all these anti-legalization arguments. | ||
| I've never heard those numbers. | ||
| Well, it's probably not nearly as prevalent because it doesn't affect your motor skills the way alcohol does. | ||
| Everybody knows across the board that if you drink, you get drunk, you're compromised. | ||
| But pot doesn't really compromise you physically. | ||
| So the numbers are going to be way different. | ||
| Alcohol is like 100%. | ||
| You pull people over and they're drunk, they're not driving as good. | ||
| It's 100%. | ||
| If you've had seven drinks and you get in the car, you just don't drive as good as you do when you're sober. | ||
| It's 100%. | ||
| But there's people that can get high as fuck and get in a car and drive excellent. | ||
| And there's no issue at all. | ||
| I was driving really poorly. | ||
| On really high. | ||
| They've actually done studies. | ||
| They've done tests on people. | ||
| No recognizable issues, except when they get too high. | ||
| But these people are probably rookies. | ||
| They're getting these rookies that don't get high, and they're getting them too high, and they're turning corners, and they panic in the mid-corner. | ||
| You know what happens when I get really high and I drive? | ||
| I forget I'm driving for a few minutes. | ||
| You're driving, and your mind is wandering to something else. | ||
| You've got the Ben Folds album on. | ||
| But yeah, that's true. | ||
| That's scary, too, because you always think, like, what was I doing for, like, the last ten minutes? | ||
| Was I even, like, awake at this time? | ||
| Too loud? | ||
| My headphones went out. | ||
| Oh, it went out? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know that weird thing that people do where you're in the middle of doing something? | ||
| You go, whoa, how the fuck did I get here? | ||
| Like, how did I zone out and autopilot all the way home? | ||
| Like, took all the turns, and then you're driving up the street. | ||
| No. | ||
| You mean drunk? | ||
| Totally sober. | ||
| Just space out, but do everything correctly. | ||
| I've done that before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I do that. | |
| I forget why I went into a certain room of my apartment a lot. | ||
| Like, I'll just be like, I gotta go to the kitchen, and I'll be in the kitchen, and I'll be like, What did I need in the kitchen? | ||
| But you remember walking in there. | ||
| I guess. | ||
| Sometimes when I'm driving, I went like miles, and I'm like, oh, I'm already past this spot. | ||
| Yeah, and it sucks because when you come out of realizing that, you're like, am I still in it? | ||
| Am I still driving? | ||
| Like, you're still kind of trying to catch up to the now because you're thinking so much, like trying to figure out what you were doing in the past that you're not even... | ||
| I mean, in the shower all the time, I'll just shower everything and forget that I've washed anything. | ||
| I'll be like, did I wash any part of my body? | ||
| And then all of a sudden I'll be like, oh, I guess. | ||
| And then I'll just shower again. | ||
| Or you forgot that you forgot to wash the butthole and then you have to turn the shower back on and have a cold wash. | ||
| If people who don't smoke pot have these problems. | ||
| Everybody does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody does. | |
| Well, that's one of the things they say to cure Alzheimer's or to prevent it as much as possible. | ||
| You're supposed to take different routes to work. | ||
| Supposed to drive different ways. | ||
| To prevent Alzheimer's? | ||
| Yeah, not to prevent it, but to slow down the onset if it's coming. | ||
| Oh, if you have it. | ||
| They say that when people go and do the same thing every day in the exact same order, there's no unusual input. | ||
| So your brain just recognizes it almost on a subconscious level and never has to process. | ||
| Like, I don't have to process. | ||
| I get that. | ||
| I get this. | ||
| So it becomes atrophied. | ||
| Yeah, I feel that. | ||
| I feel creatively atrophied when I don't meet new people or I don't see a new place. | ||
| If you're just seeing the same people every day, you just feel like your mind is dying. | ||
| Yeah, you get bored. | ||
| You just get locked into the same experience over and over and over again. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Driving around, I think probably moving to a new fucking place would be really smart for us, too. | ||
| I mean, that's what we all were designed for. | ||
| We're designed. | ||
| We're hunter-gatherers. | ||
| That's our DNA. I think about, too, and you tour all the time, and I travel on the road to do stand-up, and it's like, I wonder what that does to my mind, to have to get used to a city for four days and be alone. | ||
| Like, that's a weird thing. | ||
| The alone thing's weird. | ||
| It's so weird. | ||
| I go so many days where I don't talk to anyone, and the first time I talk to people is an hour of stand-up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, that's like crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What does that do to your brain? | ||
| It's not good. | ||
| It can't be, right? | ||
| Well, a lot of comics get depressed when they do The Road. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I figured out a way to stop that early. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| Bring your friends. | ||
| I want to. | ||
| I bring friends on the road with me. | ||
| Well, you're at the point where you could get openers. | ||
| They don't let me bring openers. | ||
| I did it back then. | ||
| That's the only way I did it. | ||
| You demanded it. | ||
| Yeah, I've been doing it that way since the 90s. | ||
| It is so much more fun when they let me do it. | ||
| I just tell them. | ||
| I go, look, I'm going to bring you a great comic. | ||
| I'm going to give you a great show. | ||
| I'll pay for his airfare. | ||
| I took the hit financially to bring guys out. | ||
| It's way better. | ||
| There's a difference between making 500 extra bucks and being miserable and lonely or having 500 less bucks and hanging out with your friend. | ||
| And it's good for them, too, because it gives these guys who might be landlocked in L.A. I take them on the road, expose them to these clubs, and they kill. | ||
| Like Hinchcliffe, I took him to the comedy works in Denver, and then he got booked as a headliner after he opened for me. | ||
| So it was like, you can do that, and you can get guys in the door that way, too. | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| I love to bring people. | ||
| You've just got to force your agent into doing it for you. | ||
| Just tell them, this is the show. | ||
| It just keeps you from just needing to masturbate all day. | ||
| All day, man. | ||
| That's where you're wrong. | ||
| It doesn't keep you from doing that. | ||
| That's where you're wrong. | ||
| You're going to do it anyway. | ||
| Hey, man, I forgot something back in my room. | ||
| Guy's knocking on your door ten minutes later. | ||
| Are we still going to have lunch? | ||
| Hey, I'm still... | ||
| I can't find... | ||
| I went back to the Fleshlight the other day, and I was like, why did I leave this? | ||
| This is way better. | ||
| I've never done a Fleshlight. | ||
| Yeah, we used to have it as a sponsor. | ||
| Oh, I never. | ||
| One of our earliest sponsors. | ||
| Can I get one? | ||
| Are they expensive? | ||
| We had a box of them. | ||
| Do we still have a box from here? | ||
| Did I bring a box in? | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| See if you can find one for them. | ||
| Did you see that video where they interviewed the girl who's the model for the Fleshlight? | ||
| The model. | ||
| There's like a hundred models. | ||
| Are there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe they lied about that, but they said it was her vagina. | ||
| Oh, she's probably shit. | ||
| It doesn't look like a vagina in there. | ||
| It looks like some sort of an octopus thing. | ||
| I think she's like Romanian or something. | ||
| She's like, I'm so proud. | ||
| It's my vagina. | ||
| That was one of those local news pieces where they go, this is what we're going to tell you. | ||
| We're going to tell you that the fleshlight is the 10th anniversary of being modeled. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| He's got one for you. | ||
| Oh, that's the good one. | ||
| It looks like a beer can, so you can just keep it in the fridge. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at those lips. | ||
| That's a mouth one, too. | ||
| Oh, it's a mouth one? | ||
| Rubber mouth. | ||
| It looks like a can. | ||
| I literally had some sponsors or some guests that told me, I can't be on an episode where you do that. | ||
| Like Sam Harris, first time he came on. | ||
| It was like one of the stipulations. | ||
| What? | ||
| We couldn't have that as a sponsor on the episode that he was on. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because he didn't want to be associated with a rubber vagina. | ||
| Why? | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Because he's a neuroscientist and an author and a respected intellectual. | ||
| Oh, that's crazy. | ||
| Couldn't you just not do it on that episode then? | ||
| That's what I did. | ||
| That's what I did. | ||
| Do you miss them? | ||
| I miss them. | ||
| What? | ||
| You miss who? | ||
| Fleshlight. | ||
| They were so fun to talk about all the time. | ||
| No, I don't miss. | ||
| We said as much as we could have ever said. | ||
| What would you say is the biggest advantage to using a flashlight? | ||
| It doesn't feel like your hand. | ||
| It feels like... | ||
| I mean, if you put the right lotion on it, it actually feels pretty good. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I haven't done it in a long time, so I was like, oh my god, this is... | ||
| It just got grossed out a little bit. | ||
| You should. | ||
| It's gross. | ||
| I just felt a little gross. | ||
| They designed some sort of a rubbery, I don't know what they actually use. | ||
| It's almost like a food-based thing. | ||
| I think it's like gelatin-based. | ||
| But it feels like human flesh. | ||
| It's way better than your hand. | ||
| Because your hand, you feel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Your hand sends signals. | ||
| I do have times where I'm like, there needs to be more. | ||
| I need more out of this. | ||
| I don't know what I need to do differently. | ||
| That's a commitment, though. | ||
| Fuck that thing. | ||
| Because you've got to wash it afterwards. | ||
| You feel like a loser. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You've got to wash it! | |
| You shoot a load into this fucking rubber tube. | ||
| You're like, what is wrong with me? | ||
| I just want to get to the point financially where I can just throw it out. | ||
| You can totally do that. | ||
| And just get a new one. | ||
| How much did they cost? | ||
| Well, they're like $50. | ||
| That's rich to me. | ||
| They're pretty expensive. | ||
| But when we were getting them for free, I used to do that. | ||
| I got crazy. | ||
| I'd be like, I'll just leave it on the nightstand, and then two days later, I'm like, you know what? | ||
| I'm just throwing this away. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want to watch four-day-old cum out of your fleshlight. | ||
| I'll just have my girlfriend do it. | ||
| I'll just hire a housekeeper. | ||
| No, no, no, you don't have to vacuum. | ||
| Just the flashlight. | ||
| Just clean these things. | ||
| There's a box of them. | ||
| There's like a hamper full by the bed. | ||
| There's a great video in like, I think it's like local news in China, where they see one of these in like a puddle of water and they think it's a new fish. | ||
| Oh yeah, yeah. | ||
| That they've discovered a species of fish. | ||
| Yeah, that was hilarious. | ||
| I don't believe that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true, man. | |
| I think that's another one of those marketing things. | ||
| He says it, it's true. | ||
| No, it was on the news. | ||
| That's how I found out it was on the news. | ||
| Oh, well, it was on the news. | ||
| It has to be true. | ||
| When you see it, though, it looks like a fish. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| There's the photo of HIV. Whoa. | ||
| HIV looks like weed. | ||
| Hold on, back up. | ||
| It does. | ||
| Did you pull that up earlier? | ||
| I asked him to, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I didn't see that. | ||
| I wasn't looking. | ||
| That's what HIV looks like. | ||
| Did you show us this, Jamie? | ||
| Yeah, they took that photo. | ||
| The one on the bottom left looks like weed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They do, they do. | |
| Oh my god, it looks exactly like weed. | ||
| AIDS is weed. | ||
| That's how they convince the other cells to attach it. | ||
| They're like, it's just weed, man. | ||
| It looks like the geodome that Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin were in, but it's covered by weed donuts. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's covered by, like, fleshlights. | ||
| Remember Biodome? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's like their Biodome, but it's green. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Look at the one up top. | ||
| Look at the one above that, Jamie. | ||
| Go up there. | ||
| That one with the blue strings. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Why is that one so different looking? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Smoke age. | |
| What said that in the article, it said HIV is evolving? | ||
| What is it saying, Jamie? | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Click on it again. | ||
| Evolving to be less deadly. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| That's fascinating. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because it likes us. | ||
| He's tired of being rude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's tired of killing all those nice gay people. | ||
| They're becoming more PC. Well, I realize there's just less flair in the world when all those gay people start dropping like flies. | ||
| Well, to be honest, the guy that wrote this article only has one eye so maybe he read something wrong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he's a contributor. | ||
| He's not a writer. | ||
| Yeah, he's not a writer. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Well, let's see the image. | ||
| Look at the image of that thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| It's crazy. | ||
| Organisms like that, like diseases. | ||
| This is a weird article. | ||
| So terrifying. | ||
| Because there are these thoughtless little life forms that will take over your life and, on a huge percentage of people, kill them. | ||
| You know, like, the amount of flu deaths every year? | ||
| You ever pay attention to the amount of flu deaths? | ||
| Yeah, it's a lot. | ||
| It should scare the fucking shit out of you. | ||
| I've never gotten a flu shot, though, and I've never gotten the flu. | ||
| What? | ||
| Never had the flu? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Never? | |
| Never ever had the flu. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| What do you eat? | ||
| Are you, like, super healthy with your diet? | ||
| No. | ||
| I'm actually the opposite. | ||
| I'm very, very unhealthy in my diet. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| I never got the flu. | ||
| Never got a flu shot, either. | ||
| Dude, so much to bottle you. | ||
| I wonder what that is. | ||
| You have excellent genes, probably. | ||
| You have an excellent immune system. | ||
| What are you? | ||
| I'm HPV. I'm a human pussy wart. | ||
| What nationality are you? | ||
| My mom was born in Israel. | ||
| And my dad is just like... | ||
| Party stock. | ||
| ...American, weird. | ||
| Can't be that then. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what it is. | ||
| No. | ||
| Because my parents have gotten the flu a bunch of times. | ||
| Israelis, that's some healthy stock, man. | ||
| Those are survivors. | ||
| There's some tough fucking people come out of Israel. | ||
| Tough women. | ||
| Yeah, very different than what we associate with American Jewish women. | ||
| The stereotype is what? | ||
| Kind of whiny and like, Herman, where are you? | ||
| You're going to make us late. | ||
| Very motherly. | ||
| Israeli women are just very much like, I'm right, you're wrong. | ||
| There's the commercial. | ||
| I am so not buying this at all. | ||
| Not even for a fucking supper. | ||
| If you listen to it... | ||
| The fact that this guy doesn't know that that's rubber... | ||
| They thought it was some sort of squid or something. | ||
| He's either completely retarded or this is bullshit. | ||
| And I'm going with this is bull... | ||
| Look, they're measuring it. | ||
| They're measuring it. | ||
| This is a joke. | ||
| This is a joke. | ||
| This guy's an idiot. | ||
| Look at these people. | ||
| These are like backcountry people. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| She's on TV. Look at her. | ||
| And that's sewer grease that they have it in. | ||
| Dude, this is like their version of some parody show. | ||
| Sewer oil that they use? | ||
| Gutter oil. | ||
| Gutter oil. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Yeah, I don't buy it for a fucking second. | ||
| It's got like warts on it? | ||
| It's hit the road. | ||
| That's not warts, that's shit. | ||
| That's been worn hard. | ||
| That's amazing that you've never had the flu. | ||
| I don't think I've ever met anybody. | ||
| I've never had it. | ||
| Yeah, I just, I really, now I can't get flu shots, I feel like. | ||
| I feel like if I get a flu shot, I'm just going to get the flu. | ||
| Well, I don't think you need to get a flu shot. | ||
| And the flu shots are tricky because they're very, like, this year was particularly ineffective. | ||
| Like, even my doctor was mocking it this year. | ||
| Because it's so strong now? | ||
| No, it's just they've failed. | ||
| It's like they make these calculations based on whatever strains are out there, and then they develop a vaccine for that strain of the flu. | ||
| But this year was completely ineffective. | ||
| It's only effective in 20% of the cases. | ||
| So a lot of people that got the flu shot still wound up getting the flu. | ||
| People I know that got the flu shot. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, there's no guarantee. | ||
| But here's one thing you should fucking do, folks. | ||
| Get goddamn vaccinated. | ||
| There's a measles outbreak at Disneyland. | ||
| Because these fucking people think that you don't have to vaccinate your kids. | ||
| There's other protocols. | ||
| Maybe you might think that giving your kid 26 injections when they're born is kind of fucked up. | ||
| And there's doctors that agree with you. | ||
| But there's almost no doctors that agree that you should never get vaccinated. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| What's their reason? | ||
| People don't want vaccines. | ||
| But there's certain drugs, like polio and shit like that, that's been almost completely eradicated because of vaccines. | ||
| Like, there's real science behind vaccines. | ||
| Yeah, I hear polio's making a comeback, too. | ||
| Yeah, I heard polio's coming back as well. | ||
| I heard polio's coming back. | ||
| And all this is because people don't want to vaccinate their kids. | ||
| They don't want to vaccinate. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's so easy. | ||
| It's so quick. | ||
| And it's like... | ||
| It's so weird, man. | ||
| Oh, because of autism? | ||
| Didn't someone say you get autism from Jay McCartney? | ||
| Well, there's some people that believe that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's also some people that... | ||
| Well, here's what's crazy. | ||
| There's people that could eat certain foods that you would have no problem with and they get really sick. | ||
| Like, people that have nut allergies. | ||
| Like, my kid goes to school and they make sure you have, like, we are a no-nut school. | ||
| They have, like, you can't bring nuts in your food. | ||
| You can't bring, like, snacks that have nuts in them. | ||
| You can't do it because some kids, they'll eat those fucking things and they just die. | ||
| So some people, if you inject the same thing in a thousand people, you might have 999 people that have zero problem with it at all, but one person has a real reaction. | ||
| And the question becomes, do we change this drug that's so beneficial to all the 999 people because one person has an adverse reaction, one biological anomaly as it were? | ||
| No, you can't. | ||
| I mean, obviously you can't. | ||
| That's what doctors are running into. | ||
| And then there's also, there's a lot of suspicion of pharmacological greed. | ||
| You know, these people that are making the money, these pharmacy companies, that they're just greedy as fuck and they want, you can get by with like three injections, but they want you to get 20 because the amount of money that they'll earn is substantially more if you get 20. If you mandate that every kid has to get 20 injections. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's crazy to me that people are just, like, not doing it. | ||
| It's so scary, because these, you know, you could get, like, a serious disease that we've eradicated, it could get hold again, and then if enough people are not vaccinated against that disease, it could be a fucking real issue. | ||
| Diseases are fucking terrifying, man. | ||
| That's scary. | ||
| I didn't have anything about diseases. | ||
| I never was worried about them. | ||
| I got an AIDS test in 1994 and I was shitting my pants. | ||
| Shitting my pants. | ||
| I can't believe that I've gone this long without major problems. | ||
| Do you ever think about that? | ||
| Like how crazy it is that we can go this long without getting something crazy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like Ebola or some sort of weird cancer that no one's heard of. | ||
| What I was going to say is I never had a problem with it until I did this TV show and I talked to this Russian guy who worked in the biological weapons department in the Soviet Union where they had trenches filled with anthrax. | ||
| And all these people that are virus experts, we went to the What is it called? | ||
| The Center for CDC down in Galveston, Texas, where they have four-foot-thick walls, and they have all the worst hemorrhagic viruses contained in that lab where they study them and try to devise vaccines and shit for them. | ||
| Crazy spacesuits. | ||
| Every room has vacuums in the ceiling that pull all the air out of it in case anything... | ||
| I mean, I've seen the movie Outbreak. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They're not afraid of anything other than natural shit. | ||
| They're afraid of diseases. | ||
| They're afraid of diseases that just emerge on their own, out of nowhere, and their thought is, it's just a matter of time. | ||
| Like, we're running, and there's like a wave behind us that's gonna hit. | ||
| It's just gonna hit. | ||
| But see then, it's like, what should you get afraid of? | ||
| That? | ||
| You can't do anything about that. | ||
| So what? | ||
| Like, I wish, I mean, I wish I was more concerned about stuff like that. | ||
| Like, it's just so crazy that I can't even, like, what would I do? | ||
| Well, because it's not happening. | ||
| What would I do to prevent it? | ||
| Just wear a mask like a Japanese tourist? | ||
| Well, you have a good immune system, obviously, if you've never gotten the flu. | ||
| Have you ever had a high temperature? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Have you ever shit while having a high temperature? | ||
| I used to get a lot of stomach viruses. | ||
| I used to get a lot of those. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| But yeah, never the flu. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Yeah, I'm terrified. | ||
| And now I feel like I'm jinxing it. | ||
| No, you'll be fine. | ||
| Just stay positive. | ||
| Eat oranges and stay positive. | ||
| Someone's going to want to give me the flu now. | ||
| They're going to get really mad. | ||
| It's just weird that we share this earth with these little aliens that want to kill us. | ||
| I mean, that's really what they are. | ||
| It's weird biological things you can't even see. | ||
| And we want to kill them. | ||
| It's a war. | ||
| It's a war going on, man. | ||
| It's a crazy war. | ||
| When they win, they take over your body and it decomposes. | ||
| They literally eat your body. | ||
| That's what's so fucked up about it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| When they win, it's like a bonanza. | ||
| It's a fine dance. | ||
| They take it. | ||
| Because the best way to spread is to don't kill them quick. | ||
| You've got to kill them slowly so they spit on everything and cough on everybody on the subway. | ||
| That's how you spread. | ||
| But the real motherfucker disease is they're like dudes who are like two-pump chumps. | ||
| Like, I can't wait! | ||
| They can't help themselves. | ||
| They just want to kill you quick. | ||
| There's some strains of the flu that literally aren't as deadly. | ||
| Because they kill you so quick. | ||
| They can't get as many people. | ||
| What's the craziest disease they've discovered? | ||
| Is it still anthrax? | ||
| Like, what's the craziest, meanest? | ||
| Well, hemorrhagic viruses are the scariest. | ||
| Like, they're just, you're like, in a day you're gone. | ||
| But Ebola, you could still, I know people had Ebola and they were just like, well, I got fever and then I went to the doctor and like... | ||
| If you get it quick enough. | ||
| If they catch what it is quick enough and they get you to a real hospital in America, land of the free, home of the brave. | ||
| But if you're in Africa... | ||
| Wait, where? | ||
| That's right here. | ||
| Oh, America. | ||
| Right here. | ||
| American sniper. | ||
| Sorry, sorry. | ||
| Respect. | ||
| But if you're in a thatch hut roof place in fucking Bangladesh and they tell you you have Ebola, you're going to be shitting your pants. | ||
| They're going to rummage through their Tupperware looking for medicine. | ||
| No, we got nothing. | ||
| Pop the top on these things. | ||
| Look for something they could fix you with. | ||
| Nope, nothing. | ||
| Not gonna happen. | ||
| Chickens are running around on the floor in front of you. | ||
| I've seen chickens in Little Armenia, in Hollywood, running around. | ||
| How are your chickens? | ||
| Any new chicken stories? | ||
| No, I gotta hire someone to kill the coyote. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You have chickens? | |
| Yeah, I used to have 24. You live on a farm or something? | ||
| No, I just have a big piece of property. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| I have a big chicken house. | ||
| That's my dream, man. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| I eat fresh eggs every morning. | ||
| That's the dream. | ||
| Yeah, they're like a dark orange egg, too. | ||
| They're delicious eggs. | ||
| That is the dream, man. | ||
| I want to get a plot of land. | ||
| I want to make food on it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've been doing that over the last few years. | ||
| You're ready, man. | ||
| If things go down, if the infrastructure implodes, you're like... | ||
| You're not, though. | ||
| You could do it. | ||
| No, because then you're dealing with all these other people that aren't ready. | ||
|
unidentified
|
More than I could. | |
| But then you're dealing with all these people that aren't ready. | ||
| So what are you going to do? | ||
| You're going to be the only guy by yourself with a shotgun and all these people are starving? | ||
| No, you're going to give them food and you're going to run dry and it's going to suck for everybody involved. | ||
| You're better off if an asteroid hits if it hits your fucking head. | ||
| You know, you don't want to be, like, in the outskirts. | ||
| You don't want to be the guy who's done. | ||
| The guy living up there, you know, in the remnants of a fucking shattered world. | ||
| I don't think I mean that apocalyptic. | ||
| I think I'm talking about, like, you know... | ||
| Power outage. | ||
| You know, what if food becomes... | ||
| I mean, food is going to be scarce at some point, right? | ||
| There's going to... | ||
| Why? | ||
| Everyone's talking about the agricultural meltdown. | ||
| Like, you know, we're not going to be able to take crops and, like... | ||
| I don't buy it. | ||
| People are going to be, like, killing each other for food, right? | ||
| I don't buy it. | ||
| No. | ||
| I think they're just not paying as much attention to crops as they would if they had to pay more attention. | ||
| It's the same thing we were talking about earlier. | ||
| I think that, you know, you don't think about it because you don't have to think about it. | ||
| But if it became a real issue and the government started putting massive amounts of resources to growing crops for all the country, they put their funds into that. | ||
| Halliburton gets behind it. | ||
| They have giant government contracts to grow crops. | ||
| You'd have fucking crops growing everywhere. | ||
| They would take a pipeline. | ||
| They could take a pipeline from Alaska, right? | ||
| They could take oil. | ||
| They'd bring it all the way down to Arkansas. | ||
| How come they can't do that with water? | ||
| Well, they can. | ||
| Of course they could. | ||
| And if they wanted to do that... | ||
| I feel like the whole water thing is like, there's gotta be a way. | ||
| There's got to be a way to desalinate, right? | ||
| Eventually. | ||
| Yeah, we talked about that a couple weeks ago. | ||
| Apparently it's stupid expensive, and it's not that efficient yet. | ||
| But one day, yeah, someone's going to figure out a way to do it in a way that makes sense. | ||
| They're going to make money off of it. | ||
| I don't think we're going to run out of food. | ||
| I think we're going to run out of space. | ||
| We're going to run out of resources, and we're going to run out of air. | ||
| We're going to fuck the air up. | ||
| That's a real issue. | ||
| You look at graphs of population, and from... | ||
| The time of Jesus, or even before the time of cavemen, there's been this steady graph. | ||
| And then all of a sudden the Industrial Revolution happens and it's like spikes. | ||
| And we have so many more people than we can handle. | ||
| There's got to be something, right? | ||
| I don't understand things, but I feel like... | ||
| I'm not speaking out of any expertise, but something's going to happen, right? | ||
| Well, there's definitely a pattern. | ||
| There's definitely a pattern of abuse and overuse and gluttony. | ||
| And, you know, pollution of the ocean, pollution of the air. | ||
| But if they figure it out... | ||
| This is a depressing podcast. | ||
| No, but it's not, because I think when people have their back up against the wall, that's when they're forced to innovate. | ||
| When they literally are forced. | ||
| Just like all these other things we've been talking about. | ||
| When you're forced to recognize the fact that we're running out of food, then the government figures out how to step in and ensure the fact that people get food. | ||
| I think there's going to come a point in time where there's no such thing as waste. | ||
| That waste is going to equal energy. | ||
| And they'll be able to... | ||
| Like right now, if you take... | ||
| There's new cars that are so good at emissions that when they're driving through a polluted area, like they were driving through Mexico City, the air that comes out of the car is actually cleaner than the air that goes in. | ||
| That's a fact. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, there's German cars that do that. | ||
| The Porsche 911 Turbo, in fact. | ||
| When you drive through Los Angeles, if you're driving through downtown, it's thick with fucking stinky smog. | ||
| The air coming out of the exhaust pipes is better to fucking breathe than the air that it's taking in on its intake. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
| So, it's going to come a point in time where they can figure out how to use that shitty air. | ||
| Like, use the carbon dioxide and the carbon monoxide in the air for fuel. | ||
| They just need to figure out how to extract it. | ||
| Like, right now, what we're doing is, like, there's a two-step process. | ||
| You know, you make something, and there's, like, a waste product. | ||
| But that waste product, it's really almost an engineering issue. | ||
| It's almost like once we innovate to a point where whatever that stuff is... | ||
| Everything will be sustainable and renewable? | ||
| Yeah, like nuclear waste or gasoline. | ||
| Okay, here's a perfect example. | ||
| People that live by airplanes, anybody who lives by airports, significant amount of people suffer lung damage. | ||
| They have lung disease, asthma. | ||
| It's pretty significant. | ||
| You should never live near an airport, major airports especially. | ||
| Well, there's some shit that you're breathing in, right? | ||
| Well, why is it out there? | ||
| How do you get it? | ||
| What is that stuff? | ||
| Is it flammable? | ||
| Can it be used as fuel? | ||
| Can it be extracted from the air? | ||
| It's methane, right? | ||
| I don't know what the fuck it is. | ||
| There is methane, but that's biological. | ||
| What about the fact that there's Wi-Fi waves and cellular waves all over everywhere? | ||
| That's true, too. | ||
| There's so much stuff that we... | ||
| We create that is bad for us. | ||
| Well, that's not necessarily true. | ||
| I don't think they've ever proven that Wi-Fi is bad for you or that cellular is bad for you. | ||
| It just feels bad. | ||
| It's bad for bugs. | ||
| It's really bad for bees. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| Yeah, it's really bad for bees. | ||
| Bees, apparently, their communication system gets completely fucked up by Wi-Fi and by cellular networks. | ||
| It's like they're hearing a next-door neighbor that won't stop banging and it never goes away. | ||
| They can live, but they're like... | ||
| Everywhere around them is people, LOL, you know, fucking texting. | ||
| Yeah, they just hear everything we're saying. | ||
| They probably don't just hear it, it's sending. | ||
| They hear all the porn we're watching on the internet. | ||
| They hear, like, everything through the airwaves. | ||
| When you send a text, it's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Everywhere. | ||
| It's flying around. | ||
| You ever go somewhere that has no cell phone, no Wi-Fi? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It feels so quiet. | ||
| It feels amazing. | ||
| Yeah, because I've actually, only in the last year, I've made a point of being away from my phone. | ||
| Like, totally away from my phone. | ||
| Not just in the other room, but, like, if I go on a hike, I leave the phone in the car. | ||
| Because, like, we are never alone. | ||
| We're never, like, unreachable. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| Even if you're alone, you're not alone because you're like, oh, let me check out what friends are tweeting at me. | ||
| You should just turn it off, though, if you're going on a hike, because then that mountain line is going to be... | ||
| But even if I turn it off, I feel like I still have the option. | ||
| I just want to be totally away from it, and it feels great. | ||
| And then I get back and I'm like, ooh, I have like four emails. | ||
| Yeah, I know what you mean. | ||
| Isn't it funny? | ||
| We're so scared to be away from our phone. | ||
| Like, something bad's gonna happen. | ||
| Like, how often do you actually need your phone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| No. | ||
| What's gonna happen? | ||
| So rarely do you actually need it to stay alive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| So rarely. | ||
| True. | ||
| But, like, if you go on a hike, you're like, Paul, I better bring the fucking phone just to get this. | ||
| Yeah, I need photos. | ||
| How many times have you hiked? | ||
| You hike a hundred times, nothing happens. | ||
| You'll be fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've never. | ||
| I've never been attacked on a hike. | ||
| Well, when I lived in Colorado, I used to pack heat. | ||
| I used to walk carrying a gun. | ||
| With a gun? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That would drive me crazy. | ||
| Well, I was walking in these mountain lion-infested woods. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| And even if they don't kill people all the time, if you were there, like the guy in Cupertino where his son got attacked by a mountain lion, If that guy had a gun, he could have shot it, not even at the animal, just shot it near the animal, and that thing would run, and you're done. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| They hear a boom! | ||
| They're like, they fucking just take off. | ||
| It freaks them out. | ||
| But how often does your kid get attacked by a mountain lion? | ||
| If you live in Cupertino, and you're that guy, and you're walking down that road, and it happens, all those numbers are not comforting. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
100% of the time, that guy's son has been attacked. | |
| The wife is screaming, why didn't you bring your gun? | ||
| How often does it happen? | ||
| It fucking happened! | ||
| It fucking happened! | ||
| It happens, but I mean... | ||
| Billy's got a chunk taken out of his ass. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| He's gonna be that boy in the locker room they make fun of. | ||
| You know those fake asses where they take the fat from other parts of their body and they put it in the butt? | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| Yeah, it's real. | ||
| It started in Colombia, I believe, or Brazil. | ||
| Most Colombians or Brazilians, girls, have that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, it's not most. | |
| That's how common it is. | ||
| It's not most. | ||
| Well, it's not most. | ||
| It's pretty common. | ||
| More than half? | ||
| It's pretty common. | ||
| Well, Google it. | ||
| It's pretty common. | ||
| You have a better computer. | ||
| Just Google it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So they take fat out of their boobs? | |
| Jamie, you might even be able to find this, but they take it out of their side and they put it in their butt, but lately they've been noticing that the fat doesn't take and it goes down their legs and it makes their ankles super fat. | ||
| And so people in Colombia wear these like... | ||
| Like Ugg boots type things are really popular because so many girls have had this problem. | ||
| It goes down to their ankles? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This sounds like little kid science. | ||
| Their butt doesn't taste it. | ||
| That's everything that he does. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Columbia butt fat ankles. | ||
| Little kid science, exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Columbia butt locks for whatever. | |
| So what... | ||
| I would just take... | ||
| I know that they're doing fat transplantation to the buttocks and legs for aesthetic enhancement. | ||
| If you Google anything, you'll find it. | ||
| Long-term results. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| The result of the buttock augmentation showed that there are 0.5 to 1.0 centimeter reduction at two months. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| They're just talking about the efficacy. | ||
| Conclusion. | ||
| The hypothesis is that fat applied grafts are real grafts It was demonstrated. | ||
| Not only are the graphs real, but they are able to live and persist with the patients growing if the patient gained weight to the glutes area and losing circumference when losing weight. | ||
| So what they're saying is it works. | ||
| They're saying that that fat, when you transplant it to the ass, it does make your ass thicker. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, great. | |
| What was that? | ||
| I'm reading it, you fuck. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're saying that it makes it... | ||
| that no damage to the graft was observed. | ||
| So they're saying that... | ||
| So it's fine. | ||
| It works. | ||
| It's like skin grafts. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But they actually can make your ass fatter. | ||
| And they can make another part of you thinner. | ||
| But it probably comes out all lumpy, no? | ||
| I mean, how do they get it all smooth and perfect? | ||
| I mean, I'm sure there's more of a process than just stuffing it in. | ||
| I would assume. | ||
| They put it in a blender or something. | ||
| They must dilute it somehow, right? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Well, they're injecting it, right? | ||
| If you ever want to have fun, too, look at botched butt enlargement surgery. | ||
| That's not fun. | ||
| Whoa, that works. | ||
| Whoa, hello. | ||
| Holy shit, that works. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| Oh my god, look at that one down there. | ||
| The naked butt with the thong. | ||
| Well, there's no proof that that's the same butt. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of bullshit with these things, for sure. | ||
| Butt augmentation in Thailand. | ||
| Yeah, that butt looks great. | ||
| Well, let's go to that page. | ||
| Let's find out what they do. | ||
| Also, one of them's more in color. | ||
| Page. | ||
| Not image. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| The... | ||
| The ones where they have implants though, that's scary. | ||
| That's where they're taking like a hunk of something, like a fucking, some sort of a, it's like a rubber thing and they're sticking it in there. | ||
| Isn't it crazy that no matter what context when I see a nice bud, I don't even see whose face it is, I'm just like instantly a little bit turned on. | ||
| Like, you just see a bigger butt. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Is anyone ever... | ||
| Because it's, like, better for children? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially the hips-to-waist ratio. | ||
| When you see a woman with, like, wide hips, you think, oh, she can give birth. | ||
| Immediately, like, oh, okay. | ||
| We strongly advise against surgical butt implants if your office work environment requires excessive sitting over 8 to 10 hours a day. | ||
| After surgery, the doctors will advise you not to sit directly on your reshaped butt. | ||
| For at least a few days to avoid any unneeded stress to the operated areas during your recovery. | ||
| Yeah, what the fuck, man. | ||
| So, like, Peggy and HR can't get it done. | ||
| Yeah, if you're gonna sit in front of a desk, oof. | ||
| You've seen the implants that have failed. | ||
| Now, are those implants they're talking about, Jamie? | ||
| No, this is fat transfer. | ||
| No, this is, yeah, this is an implant. | ||
| I think it's silicon right butt implants versus fat transfers here you go if your butt area has begun sagging a bit and you're slightly older in age then a surgical lift will probably be the most appropriate a surgical butt lift in Thailand is performed by removing fat tissue followed by the tightening of the surrounding skin the tissue in your buttocks is normally excised Slash cut. | ||
| That's the same thing. | ||
| That's like punch slash hit near the butt crease to give a natural look with minimal scars. | ||
| This amazing new technique leaves an unnoticeable scar near your buttocks crease. | ||
| Yeah, that's noticeable as fuck. | ||
| You see it in porn films when girls are getting dogged. | ||
| Yeah, you see this weird scar where their butt cheeks meet their taint. | ||
| I've never seen that. | ||
| The technique is very popular with Australian and American clients who save 40%. | ||
| When compared to the prices back home, but you get 100% more diseases. | ||
| The new technique is offered in Bangkok and works by carefully sawing away, no, cutting away tissue near the intersection of your butt and lower back. | ||
| I mean, you know, it feels like a decent thing to do. | ||
| This is supposedly what Kim Kardashian got. | ||
| She got the Brazilian butt lift, which is what all the Brazilian girls supposedly have. | ||
| That's why you always go, Brazilians have great ass. | ||
| I mean, that's been confirmed, right? | ||
| She has something, and so does Nicki Minaj. | ||
| She looks way different than she used to look. | ||
| Yeah, they both look crazy. | ||
| And she also doesn't look like that... | ||
| Like, she would have that muscular legs. | ||
| Like, it's not like she's... | ||
| Her legs are these thick, fucking... | ||
| Like, Serena Williams-type athlete legs. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, they're like... | ||
| She's got a big old butt, too. | ||
| Oh, jeez Louise. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| Good Lord. | ||
| Oh, my goodness. | ||
| That's a booty. | ||
| But that's an athlete's butt. | ||
| Like, you look at Serena's body, like, Jesus, that's a fucking... | ||
| That's a performer. | ||
| You know, like, her body can move in ways... | ||
| Kim Kardashian just looks like she's wearing a diaper. | ||
| It's like this weird... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It's like this weird, like, she's got a load in her diaper. | ||
| It doesn't make sense. | ||
| It doesn't, like, make sense with her legs. | ||
| Well, there's some images of her. | ||
| Like, you see those photos. | ||
| Like, Kim Kardashian breaks the internet. | ||
| Her ass looks fantastic, like, spectacular. | ||
| But then you see her, like, there's some red carpet video of her walking around with it. | ||
|
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|
It's weird. | |
| It's weird as fuck. | ||
| Because it doesn't match the rest of her legs. | ||
| Like, it's way better to have a smaller butt that fits your legs than it is to have these thin legs and this... | ||
| I actually have the opposite problem. | ||
| I don't have a butt. | ||
| Like, I have, like, an innie butt. | ||
| I'm serious. | ||
| I'm not... | ||
| You have an innie? | ||
| I don't have... | ||
| Yeah, I don't really have a butt. | ||
| Should I show? | ||
| I mean, it's like... | ||
|
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Just don't take off your underwear. | |
| Very flat. | ||
| Well, it just looks like you don't work out. | ||
| You don't work out, right? | ||
| I do. | ||
| Do you lift weights? | ||
| With your butt? | ||
| Not with my butt. | ||
| Have a seat. | ||
|
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Nobody can hear you up there. | |
| Does it, um, you don't, like, when you're, um, when you're lifting weights, do you do squats or anything with your legs? | ||
| No. | ||
| That's all it is, yeah. | ||
|
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But I do a lot of, like, like, curls for the girls. | |
| Running and things like that. | ||
| Oh, well, running is really good for your legs, but it's not so good for your butt. | ||
| Like, if you watch marathon runners, they don't have, like, thick butts. | ||
| There's not a lot of, like, jumping up. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I've always had an issue with that. | ||
| There's always, like, pants don't fit right. | ||
| It always slide down. | ||
| You can fix it. | ||
| Don't get lazy and get a butt job. | ||
| Yeah, let's get butt jobs together. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the... | |
| Boys day! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boys day! | |
| Imagine if that became a thing. | ||
| They would take off our little fat things here, so it would actually look better here, and then it would make our butt look together at the same time. | ||
| Or you would be so self-conscious on stage because it looks like you're wearing a fucking diaper. | ||
| Imagine, I just got a huge butt. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I feel like if butts on guys became big. | ||
| You tied the end of your shorts tight to your leg and just filled your shorts with shit. | ||
| That's what it looks like. | ||
| But I have no jokes about it. | ||
| It's just a huge butt. | ||
| You don't even bring it up. | ||
| I had a friend that had a huge ass and he was massively self-conscious about it because he wasn't overweight too much in his upper body. | ||
| He was very pear-shaped. | ||
| Where his upper body, his arms looked totally normal. | ||
| And then his upper body looked fairly overweight and then it got to his gut and it distended on the sides and then his ass was enormous. | ||
| His ass and legs is where he carried all of his weight. | ||
| When you get in arguments with people, they'll go, look at your fucking ass, dude. | ||
| If I looked like you, I would be grumpy too. | ||
| People would get really mean with him because of his butt. | ||
| There's certain guys who look okay fat. | ||
| There's certain guys that are like, oh, you're a fat guy. | ||
| You look great fat. | ||
| And then there's certain guys who look really, really bad fat. | ||
| And I think it's if your lower half is in shape and your upper half is not... | ||
| Jonah Hill has that. | ||
| I have that. | ||
| I used to be way fatter, and it looks weird because I have skinny legs, and then it looks like you just are this half-fat minotaur. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People are allowed to have a fat gut, but if you have a fairly normal gut, but an enormous fat ass and fat legs, then people are like, what the fuck? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're weirdly proportioned, and I don't understand you, because you don't fit in my database. | ||
|
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|
It is weird. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, we have a database of pot bellies. | ||
| Like, you see a guy with a pot belly, you don't even blink. | ||
| Because we all have a database. | ||
| It's not like a weird thing. | ||
| But if you see a girl with a pot belly, one of three things. | ||
| Either pregnant or a fucking weird body. | ||
| When the weird body freaks you out. | ||
| Even if you have no desire to have sex with this woman, if a woman comes near you and she's got a giant Joey Diaz-sized belly, you're kind of freaked out. | ||
| But his body makes sense. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| His body, you look at it and you're like, oh, you're that guy. | ||
| I know that guy. | ||
| I've seen that guy. | ||
| My dad has hung out with that guy. | ||
| There's a database. | ||
| Yeah, there's a database of that guy. | ||
| But if you have a guy that has really skinny legs, super skinny legs, but like Ralphie Mae's arms... | ||
| Yeah, it's really weird. | ||
| What the fuck is going on? | ||
| I don't understand what I'm saying. | ||
| I gotta get out of here. | ||
| I'm too weirded out. | ||
| I gotta get out of here, man. | ||
| Chest night is over. | ||
| New weird bodies will freak us out. | ||
| We have a database. | ||
| We draw from it. | ||
| And when something doesn't fit in there, it's just like, oh, too weird. | ||
| Gotta go. | ||
| I turned down sex once because this girl had a square butt where it was like... | ||
| You turned down sex because of it? | ||
| Yeah, because it just freaked me out. | ||
| It freaked me out because she had no waist for one thing. | ||
| And then her butt was completely flat, almost indented. | ||
| When you saw it, you're just like, ugh! | ||
| So you were in the act, in bed. | ||
| I actually was like, alright, well, you know what? | ||
| I gotta go. | ||
| What? | ||
| I just took off right before bed. | ||
| I could never do that. | ||
| And I called her Spongebob Squarepants because it was just... | ||
| It's too gross. | ||
| You didn't call it to her face. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I just put it on her Facebook. | ||
| You just tweeted about it. | ||
| I just put it on her Facebook. | ||
| With her full name. | ||
| I just gave out her address and geotagged it. | ||
| Geotagged it. | ||
| If you're looking for a flat ass, this is your spot. | ||
| This is your pirate map. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I feel like if I'm already there, I mean, it's like... | ||
| It's so great that someone's willing to be there and do it. | ||
| But isn't it weird that, like, it probably would feel just as good, like, as far as a sensation, but you wouldn't be as aroused, so it wouldn't be as good, and it's all just based on the shape of the body. | ||
| And people get angry at that, man. | ||
| They say you're shallow, and, you know, this is a really, like, surface way of thinking, and it's so immature and so stupid, but those people are all fat. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why they're saying that. | ||
| Hot chicks with great bodies, they never feel like that. | ||
| When you tell a girl, like, God, your body's amazing, they never go, oh, you just are attracted to my body being amazing. | ||
| I gotta be the devil's advocate here, and I gotta say, I've been with a lot of women. | ||
| Tell us about it. | ||
| Double-didge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Amazing. | |
| Double-didge women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So intimidating. | |
| And I've been with some very good looking and some very average and whatever. | ||
| I think I've actually been more aroused by more normal looking women than the models. | ||
| Because you're probably more comfortable. | ||
| Because I'm more comfortable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I feel like I have less to prove. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's also like there's something about a normal-looking body that is a little more attractive to me. | ||
| You have a buddy who would go to strip clubs and he would always want to talk to the girls that were overweight. | ||
| He was actually attracted to the girls. | ||
| I don't mean overweight. | ||
| Well, overweight for a strip club is not really overweight. | ||
| I mean, what kind of overweight are they going to get? | ||
| Like 20, 30 pounds overweight? | ||
| But he would go for the big girls because... | ||
| Very easy. | ||
| Like, they're probably more insecure. | ||
| But he wasn't even trying to, like, have sex with them. | ||
| He just was attracted to them. | ||
| He'd want to get dances to them because he said it would make sense that they would date him. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's what every guy wants in a strip club. | ||
| You want the girl to like you. | ||
| Any guy who denies that is lying. | ||
| Like, you want the girl to be like, you know... | ||
| Oh my god, I want to leave with this guy. | ||
| And if she's a 10, she's like, oh, hi, sweetie. | ||
| Yeah, it's all an act. | ||
| And you're like, oh, this is gross. | ||
| I feel so fucking gross. | ||
| I want her to be in love. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I want her to come back, please, Barry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Are you going to be back? | ||
| You want to take her out of that town. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Barry. | |
| Barry, don't leave. | ||
| You want to take her out of Kokomo, Indiana. | ||
| I'll give you dances for free. | ||
| Yeah, oh yeah. | ||
| Just stay, Barry. | ||
| I'll stay. | ||
| Stay. | ||
| Joe Rogan? | ||
| Yeah, they don't want you to... | ||
| They don't want you to... | ||
| No guy, even though people will pay for prostitution, no guy would prefer that. | ||
| What you would prefer is someone to be attracted to you. | ||
| You wouldn't want a girl who's putting on an act where you know specifically that she doesn't want to be there. | ||
| You'd want her to be really good at it. | ||
| It's the same in porno. | ||
| You don't want a girl who you know is acting. | ||
| That's why we want things that are so real. | ||
| Unless they're so good they can trick you. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Yeah, but you don't want to see the act. | ||
| Less than anything. | ||
| It's like a hack comic, or like a fucking magician, where you can see their hands moving, you know? | ||
| But you're getting a different girl every time, and you can play around with different races and ages. | ||
| Yeah, what I'm saying is, what would you prefer, though? | ||
| That's not what I'm saying. | ||
| Eugenics? | ||
| Well, I mean, it's like saying, do you want one car, or would you rather have keys to the dealership and just pick whatever you want? | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| We're talking about people, you fuck. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I got a prostitute when I was... | ||
| I mean, this is... | ||
| I'm going to be on Ari's show and I talk about this story when I was in Atlantic City and I got a hooker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| You ever see that hookers from Atlantic City show? | ||
| No. | ||
| Was it HBO? Yeah, they used to do an HBO show. | ||
| Oh, those were so depressing. | ||
| I remember trying to masturbate to those when I was a kid and like real sex would come on. | ||
| Remember real sex? | ||
| And it would be like just old people tickling each other and you're just like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Like, for a second they would be like, oh, this is kind of hot. | ||
| And then they would just have these, like, fat lesbians slapping each other. | ||
| And you're like, this is really weird. | ||
| Do you think that if prostitution wasn't so chastised, if prostitution was legal, then it would be like going and getting massages. | ||
| It would be so normal and it wouldn't feel dirty or bad at all. | ||
| I bet that's the case. | ||
| If it was legal? | ||
| Yeah, if prostitution was completely legal, okay, and these places were totally above ground, it was just like going to a massage bar. | ||
| If you go to a massage bar now, you go, hello, everybody greets you, they're all nice, you don't feel weird about it, you put on your robe, you go there, some stranger rubs your neck and rubs your back, you feel so much better. | ||
| And you actually have a wonderful time with them. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| Because it's not guilty. | ||
| But if it was guilty for you to be in your underwear and have some lady dig her elbow into your back, you'd have all these weird connections with it. | ||
| And you would only be able to go to shady places to get that massage. | ||
| It would be like this weird, sort of sinful thing. | ||
| I don't think it has anything to do with the law. | ||
| I think the law has nothing to do with it. | ||
| I think it's our weirdness with sex. | ||
| I think it's... | ||
| Right, but that weirdness with sex is connected to the fact that it's illegal, unquestionably. | ||
| I don't know, because then you would say, like, oh, what if I didn't have to pay for it? | ||
| What if I told my girlfriend, oh, I'm just going to have sex with this girl I know? | ||
| That's totally unrelated, because we're talking about... | ||
| You're paying for a service. | ||
| Paying for something. | ||
| Yeah, we're talking about prostitution, though. | ||
| I know, but I think it's the stigma of the sex of it, not the law. | ||
| Because it's not really like... | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't think it's considered... | ||
| You don't feel like you're breaking the law if you get a hooker. | ||
| What if you think you're using masturbation? | ||
| You're using her to masturbate, though. | ||
| You're not having sex. | ||
| I mean, you're in and out in like seven minutes. | ||
| Well, hold on a second. | ||
| Explain that again. | ||
| You don't think it's about the law. | ||
| It would remove some of the stigma attached to it. | ||
| The stigma by who, though? | ||
| Well, by most people who think of it as being a dirty thing. | ||
| I mean, most people, they don't want their daughter to become a prostitute. | ||
| They don't want their ex-girlfriends to become prostitutes. | ||
| I mean, it's just like this thing. | ||
| You don't want someone to be paying... | ||
| Well, stripping is legal, but there's a stigma to that. | ||
| There is. | ||
| There is. | ||
| There certainly is. | ||
| But this is like, part of it has to do with sex. | ||
| I think in this country we're weirder about sex than we are about anything else. | ||
| No question. | ||
| But don't you think that part of that weirdness is to do with the law? | ||
| The fact that we legislate whether or not you can have sex with someone for free, and no one has a problem with it. | ||
| You can go have sex with anybody you want. | ||
| But for some reason or another, we can legislate whether or not you have sex with anybody you want if they give you money. | ||
| Which is crazy. | ||
| I mean, it's crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it is crazy. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of crazy. | ||
| I think the fact that gambling is illegal is crazy, too. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| I'm not saying people should go get prostitutes or should be prostitutes, but you should be able to do whatever the fuck you want to do. | ||
| Well, you know, what's crazy about it is how open we are about calling them escorts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, we're just like, that's fine. | ||
| Well, they get busted, though. | ||
| Like, you go into the Yellow Pages, not even in Vegas, like places where it's totally, like in New York, and there's just escort service, escort service. | ||
| Like, who is really under the impression that they're not having sex? | ||
| Yeah, there's a few people that don't get it. | ||
| It's like this weird legal gray area. | ||
| Are there? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like every cop, everyone who makes the law, just like, fine. | ||
| Well, there's some weird thing where they're allowed to go out with you and have sex if they choose to. | ||
| But if it says, if it's like written down in paper, at the end of this date, I'm going to suck your dick and I'm going to rub your balls. | ||
| Which is nuts. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Well, it's just stupid that you can tell a person what to do and not to do. | ||
| And the idea being is that if it's legal, everybody's going to go into prostitution or everyone's going to go get prostitutes and the marriages will crumble. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| If you look at statistics in Australia, it's legal. | ||
| Legalized prostitution has actually led to a lower rate of divorce. | ||
| In Australia? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's legal in some places here. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| One area. | ||
| In Nevada. | ||
| Carson City? | ||
| Yeah, it's like way the fuck out in the middle of nowhere. | ||
| Well, that's pretty hypocritical, right? | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's just weird. | ||
| Telling people what they can do and not do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what? | |
| I think a lot of it is, too, a politician would never stand behind changing that law. | ||
| Like, I think everyone thinks it's kind of crazy, but I don't think... | ||
| To get a politician to be like, I'm fighting for prostitute rights. | ||
| They all use them? | ||
| You never know. | ||
| Well, that's one of the issues with that guy in New York, the guy who was the mayor of New York or the governor of New York, and they found out that he was using prostitutes. | ||
| Spitzer? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Elliot Spitzer. | ||
| He was the fucking governor. | ||
| He was busting people for prostitution while he was using prostitutes. | ||
| I mean, he's a goddamn target. | ||
| But that guy, like, you know, I mean, he was the top of the heap as far as politicians in New York State, and he was using prostitutes. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure most of them are. | ||
| He could never come out and say, look, let's get real with this. | ||
| He couldn't, yeah. | ||
| I'd like paying for pussy! | ||
| Who's with me? | ||
| Crickets, crickets. | ||
| He just comes out and tries it. | ||
| I mean, there's a place that my buddy told me about in Seattle. | ||
| Let's say Seattle. | ||
| He just went. | ||
| That is a marijuana store on one side, and on the other side, it's just a whorehouse. | ||
| And you can go in with your Visa card, get your weed, get your pussy. | ||
| God bless America. | ||
| Yeah, in and out in 45 minutes. | ||
| God bless America. | ||
| That's how it should be. | ||
| You should be able to do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| There's a law that they're passing in some state, I forget, some backwards-ass state, where they're going to make certain tattoos and body piercings illegal. | ||
| They're going to be able to decide. | ||
| For what reason? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's just A lot of things have a reason. | ||
| I once had an argument with someone over seatbelt laws, right? | ||
| Should you be allowed to wear a seatbelt if you want to or not want to, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| But then you think if people get injured all the time, you're dealing with higher health insurance costs, you're dealing with way more flooded hospitals with car accidents and deaths. | ||
| Less dumb people, more dumb people dead. | ||
| Other people will suffer from you being dumb. | ||
| Whereas a tattoo, no one else will suffer from that. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know what the fucking logic behind it is. | ||
| I think it's just they want to change the appearance of the young folk. | ||
| They see these kids with these giant ear holes. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| You know, it freaks them out, these kids these days. | ||
| You just can't live and let live. | ||
| And a lot of older people especially, they don't want to live and let live. | ||
| They want everybody to be just like them. | ||
| And when these fucking goddamn kids and their spiky earrings and their crazy hair, you know, you just get upset and you want to stop face tattoos. | ||
| Like, you know, come on. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| It's not a good thing to do, but you can't. | ||
| You can't stop it, you know? | ||
| It's not good to tattoo stars all over your fucking forehead. | ||
| But if you want to do it... | ||
| That's your thing. | ||
| Go ahead, do it. | ||
| You can't stop people from doing what they want to do because it's not your right. | ||
| They might like it. | ||
| They might see the world totally legitimately differently than you do. | ||
| And they might want to look like that lizard man dude who split his tongue and tattooed his face green, had implants, he had dermal implants in his eyebrows. | ||
| I love that dude. | ||
| I met that dude. | ||
| I met him. | ||
| He was in front row in the audience in Austin, Texas at one of my shows. | ||
| And I was like, how much attention do you want, man? | ||
| You sit in front row and you look like a fucking lizard person. | ||
| Didn't he do something? | ||
| Didn't he get arrested? | ||
| Oh, that's a different guy. | ||
| There's a guy who got his eyeballs tattooed black. | ||
| Who recently got arrested for assault. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Yeah, good luck convincing the jury that you're cool. | ||
| The ear thing pisses me off when girls have their ears stretched out. | ||
| It pisses you off? | ||
| Yeah, I met this girl in Vegas. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| But then her ears were that big open, like where she had that big plug in the middle of it. | ||
| And you know that girl in 20 years is not going to have that in her ear. | ||
| You can fix it. | ||
| Can you fix it? | ||
| You can just tie it in a knot? | ||
| They cut a section off and they pull it together and they sew it and you'll have scars in the bottom of your ear. | ||
| It's like labiaplasty on your ears. | ||
| Exactly what it's like. | ||
| Yeah, they can fix it. | ||
| I mean, it doesn't look good, but it won't look unbelievably freakish. | ||
| Yeah, you could correct most things, right? | ||
| That you can correct. | ||
| But there's a dude that I know, his shit is like this big, and he does jiu-jitsu, so he's got to tape his ears up when he does jiu-jitsu. | ||
| He takes the plug out, and then he tapes. | ||
| He puts tape on his ears. | ||
| Yeah, it's nuts. | ||
| Badass, dude. | ||
| People are weird with those things, man. | ||
| But you can't stop them from doing it. | ||
| They like it. | ||
| What do you care? | ||
| If you don't like it, don't do it to yourself. | ||
| I can't see that passing, a law that prevents it. | ||
| It's passed? | ||
| Yeah, it's passed. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Let me find out. | ||
| Well, you know, in Europe, there's a lot of laws. | ||
| There's laws with naming kids. | ||
| You can't name a kid anything you want. | ||
| In Nottingham, England, there's a law that makes you... | ||
| You have to practice archery for two hours every Sunday. | ||
| It's like on the books. | ||
| Every man has to practice. | ||
| It's like one of those laws that's been there since the 1600s. | ||
| Everyone's dying of arrows to the head. | ||
| Yeah, it's in Pennsylvania, apparently, that this legislation... | ||
| Yeah, there's laws in New York of dancing is illegal in certain blocks. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's areas where you can't dance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dance. | |
| From like the 1800s, some sort of crazy law. | ||
| Footloose laws? | ||
| You can't be gay. | ||
| There's a lot of areas you can't. | ||
| It's illegal to be gay, to have gay sex. | ||
| Yeah, that's sodomy. | ||
| That's illegal. | ||
| Blowjobs are illegal in a lot of states. | ||
| Yeah, I'm trying to find this fucking legislation. | ||
| I'm looking under the wrong date because this is all in 2012. It's some new one, because I just tweeted it a few days ago. | ||
| See if you can find that shit, Jamie. | ||
| I don't know where it is, but... | ||
| The idea of anybody telling you, you know, you can't wear those pants. | ||
| You can't do that to your hair. | ||
| You can't do that to your nose. | ||
| I saw a picture of a guy who had the tip of his nose removed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Have you seen that? | ||
| That's a new thing those extreme body modification guys are doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Have you seen it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have, yeah. | |
| Fuck. | ||
| I've seen the forehead donuts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People get those huge forehead things. | ||
| See, but they can get that taken off. | ||
| You just can't get your nose put back. | ||
| But then when they do that, they cut your fucking scalp open and slide that thing down your fucking head and leave that big horseshoe in the center of your face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| They must get so much puss. | ||
| They probably get a lot of dick, really. | ||
| Dick with holes in it and barbs and stuff. | ||
| They got a lot of those dicks with dudes, they put those bolts in their dicks. | ||
| They have piercings all over their cocks. | ||
| My friend, he got a shitty lip job where they're supposed to pierce it underneath All lip jobs. | ||
| Shitty lip jobs, by the way. | ||
| Yeah, but any time he sneezes, it just squirts out like a fire hose out of his mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Oh no. | ||
| Yeah, there's like ones where they remove pieces of their cheek. | ||
| You can see in their mouth. | ||
| Yeah, they stretch it. | ||
| They put a hole in there, and they spread it more and more and more, until it becomes like, you could literally look in and see their gums and their teeth. | ||
| It's horrific. | ||
| I think people have mental illnesses, and it just manifests in different ways. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Self-mutilation. | ||
| Body dysmorphia is real shit, man. | ||
| It's like those crazy women that never think their fake breasts are big enough. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They get nuts. | ||
| They can't see it, and they just want them bigger and bigger and bigger. | ||
| But... | ||
| That's what they want. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| They're probably crazy anyway. | ||
| I wouldn't want to hang out with them, but if you want to and you want to go do it, who gives a shit? | ||
| It doesn't hurt anyone else. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's weird. | ||
| It's weird all the choices that people make. | ||
| People are strange, like stylistic choices. | ||
| People are very strange, but when people try to legislate against that, create laws that say anything. | ||
| They could easily make a law that says no more massage. | ||
| If someone decided to make a law that says no more massage, I would be fucking goddamn furious. | ||
| I'd be pissed. | ||
| Massages are incredible. | ||
| I've only started getting them recently and they are like out of this world. | ||
| It makes you feel so much better. | ||
| It just relaxes you, loosens all your muscles up, everything falls into place better, you feel healthier, less stressed out. | ||
| Yeah, I got a really weird one recently where they like beat me up. | ||
| They basically, like, this woman just, like, beat me. | ||
| Yeah, like a Thai massage. | ||
| And she was just standing on me. | ||
| Yeah, that's Thai massage. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| She had her foot in my butt at some point. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Did she stretch you out, too? | ||
| Like, pull your legs and stuff? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was crazy. | ||
| Dude, stop bumping into that. | ||
| Ouchie loud. | ||
| Did you get the prostate massage also, though? | ||
| Have you ever had that? | ||
| No. | ||
| I've never gotten any of those happy endings. | ||
| I've never even been offered that. | ||
| That's not a happy ending. | ||
| That's just an actual part of massage that a lot of places offer. | ||
| Like they put their finger in your butt? | ||
| They just rub around the butt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait a minute, dude. | |
| I've never heard of that. | ||
| Nobody massages your prostate in a regular... | ||
| Fucking massage. | ||
| I've had massages that were not whack off massage places. | ||
| And then rub your butthole. | ||
| They would rub, they put their thumb on it and they just rub around your butthole and like the muscles around your asshole. | ||
| It's prostate massage. | ||
| That can't be real. | ||
| Prostate massage? | ||
| And with the finger in it, with a little finger in there. | ||
| No, shut the fuck up. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I swear to god. | ||
| I go to a lot. | ||
| I go to like... | ||
| Yeah, those are not regular massage parlors. | ||
| They're jerk-off places. | ||
| But this is a place that didn't jerk me off. | ||
| And they rub your butthole area? | ||
| Yeah, I think it's either Thai massage or Chinese massage. | ||
| Just jerk the guy off at that point. | ||
| It's pretty normal where they... | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why tease him? | |
| Yeah, just finish him off. | ||
| Well, it's weird that we have spots where you're not supposed to touch, you know? | ||
| And for women, it's a breast. | ||
| But for men, it doesn't matter at all. | ||
| You could rub a guy's breasts, you could rub a guy's pecs, and it does absolutely nothing. | ||
| Like, no one cares. | ||
| Oh, yeah, she rubbed the hell out of it. | ||
| Yeah, a woman can have your arm and just push down on your breasts and manipulate them, and, you know, nobody freaks out. | ||
| But even that, much like a stripper, like, I wanted to feel like she liked me. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Like I wanted to feel like I was different than the other massages. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You know, like I was better at taking a massage. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| And she did. | ||
| And I'm dating her. | ||
| And she's my wife. | ||
| She's my dream girl. | ||
| She's my one of a kind. | ||
| She stopped rubbing all those other dudes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Eventually. | ||
| It just should be... | ||
| Look, people should be able to do anything they want. | ||
| If they want to suck dicks for money, they can do it as long as there's a camera in the room. | ||
| See how hypocritical that is? | ||
| If you wanted to film it and make a living by putting that on the internet and have a cam, and the guy could still come in and pay you. | ||
| He could still come in and pay you 500 bucks, you blow him on camera, and then, look, we just made porn. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| You made porn. | ||
| Did you get all your tests? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, it really is. | ||
| It's just antiquated from the time where there would be prostitute areas where they would walk around and it would be bad for business or the neighborhood. | ||
| Seedyness. | ||
| It would be seedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you can't change it now. | ||
| There's no politician that's going to change that. | ||
| But they will still arrest people. | ||
| That's where it gets really weird. | ||
| It's like you're arresting people. | ||
| Because it's arrest numbers. | ||
| You're paying for pleasure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like, oh... | ||
| I mean, the same thing as gambling. | ||
| My dad was a bookie. | ||
| Oh, was he? | ||
| Yeah, he was arrested several times for it. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| What, sports betting? | ||
| Sports betting, yeah. | ||
| He was involved with the Gambino crime family. | ||
| Dude, what was that like? | ||
| How weird was that? | ||
| It was weird. | ||
| I didn't know about it at all until I was older. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And then I found out that he did all this shit. | ||
| You didn't know at all? | ||
| I didn't know at all. | ||
| No, he was like, he's got a job. | ||
| He told everyone he was an accountant for many years. | ||
| Is that your phone that's vibrating like that? | ||
| Probably. | ||
| It's just the old ball and chain. | ||
| When you were a kid, would you wonder, like, hey, where the fuck is Dad? | ||
| And he'd get arrested? | ||
| No, I would wonder why he would promise these things. | ||
| He would promise a trip to California, and then all of a sudden he'd be like, I don't have the money. | ||
| Or he'd be like, I'm in jail, and I didn't know why. | ||
| I'm in jail, and he didn't know why? | ||
| No, I didn't know why. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You didn't know why? | |
| He wouldn't say he was in jail. | ||
| He'd just be like, I can't see you this week. | ||
| And it happened a few times. | ||
| But so he was in jail for very short stints. | ||
| He actually was an informant for the FBI for a little bit, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Yeah, he took down his whole ring. | ||
| Holy shit, dude. | ||
| He's dead now, so I can talk about it. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| That had to be so stressful. | ||
| It was. | ||
| It was. | ||
| And he took me around with him, like, to do this. | ||
| I remember he had to put cameras in this office, and I was like, because, you know, he had shared custody, so I would have to see him on weekends. | ||
| And he would have to go on weekends and put, like, these little mini cameras with this FBI dude. | ||
| Whoa, that is crazy. | ||
| And I would meet these guys, these gambling guys, in the back of a pizzeria in Brooklyn, and they would all give me $50 bills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How long did this go on for? | |
| 25 years. | ||
| For 25 years you were involved with your dad doing this. | ||
| Then I found out when I was a teenager and I started working for it. | ||
| And I became a bookie also. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| In high school. | ||
| So when your dad turned States Evidence and your dad became an informant, did you know that he had turned States Evidence? | ||
| How old were you at the time? | ||
| No, I was like eight. | ||
| You were eight? | ||
| Yeah, I was really young. | ||
| So you started working for him after he became an informant. | ||
| He did. | ||
| He became an informant, took down this one ring, and then he started working for a different gambling ring. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| For a different booking office. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| Yeah, it was really nuts. | ||
| What did he... | ||
| Did you ever ask him about it? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We talked about it all the time. | |
| I was part of the business. | ||
| At some point, it started with me like I would have to dispose of evidence. | ||
| Like, they were like... | ||
| My dad was like, how do we get this kid a job? | ||
| So, you know, they would be like, just take these trash bags and throw them in different dumpsters around town. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So I would take these trash... | ||
| And if I got caught with it, it would be so weird. | ||
| You know, these were like gambling slips. | ||
| These were evidence. | ||
| And then I graduated to like... | ||
| Did you ever get caught with them? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I never... | ||
|
unidentified
|
But if you did it would have been a big deal. | |
| It would have been strange to have a 16-year-old kid going around with the evidence for this gambling ring. | ||
| So your dad gets busted. | ||
| He turns states evidence, right? | ||
| He gets these people arrested. | ||
| Apparently what happened was he was told by one of the guys, one of the FBI guys, that there's going to be a raid, but we don't have enough evidence yet. | ||
| So we won't arrest you, or we will arrest you still, but we won't prosecute you if you put up cameras and stuff. | ||
| And you get this... | ||
| You get us more evidence. | ||
| And he did. | ||
| And then the weirdest thing is they just let him go back to doing it. | ||
| Was it sanctioned? | ||
| That was the question. | ||
| When he went back, did they know he was doing it and they let him? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't think that they just monitor you forever. | ||
| They just let you go. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| So he just went back to what he always did. | ||
| Went back to a different place. | ||
| How do you justify that? | ||
| That had to be so weird for him. | ||
| Get people arrested for doing something he is eventually going to go and do himself. | ||
| Yeah, I never, you know what, I never asked him that. | ||
| That's a weird one. | ||
| I never, he actually, the reason he got into it, to even go more in depth on it, was he embezzled, I think, two million dollars from Ricoh Cameras in the 80s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| He was the CFO of Ricoh Cameras. | ||
| He was making, you know, in the mid-80s, he was making like $600,000, $700,000 a year, which is like now is way more. | ||
| Yeah, that's probably like a million and a half now, right? | ||
| Yeah, he was making a lot of money back then. | ||
| We would take limos to Atlantic City every weekend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| And then, as the story goes, he was just, for two years, I think, just embezzling money. | ||
| He was just like doing shady transactions and taking money off the top. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And then he got caught when there was a new CEO, and he blackmailed The CEO, because he had information on the company that they didn't want coming out. | ||
| And he got out, but he could never work in the industry again, so he became a gambler. | ||
| I mean, a bookie and a gambler. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| So he embezzled $2 million scot-free. | ||
| Scott Frank, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What a crazy, stress-filled life. | ||
| They were bringing up charges and everything, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They were starting to get charges together, and he was facing like 40, you know, life, almost life in prison. | ||
| He was the craziest fucking stress-filled life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then he became a gambler, and this was around the time my mom left him, it was like 86. He bet $300,000 on the Red Sox to win the World Series in 86. Oh my god. | ||
| And they were in the World Series. | ||
| Remember the Buckner? | ||
| That was the Bill Buckner. | ||
| Buckner, yeah. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| And he lost $300,000, which was like most of their savings, and my mom left him the next day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Jesus Christ, man. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
| No wonder why you're a comic. | ||
| No wonder, man. | ||
| Yeah, I thought it was so cool, man. | ||
| When I got involved in it, it was like The Sopranos was on TV. It was like, my dad's a gangster. | ||
| But he was. | ||
| He was this fat Jewish guy. | ||
| He wasn't involved in any of that. | ||
| He knew guys that were strong men for the guy, really connected. | ||
| What did he die from? | ||
| Colon cancer. | ||
| It's probably a lot of it due to stress, right? | ||
| No, he treated his body like crap. | ||
| He basically didn't exist for the last 10 years of his life. | ||
| He didn't pay taxes. | ||
| He didn't have ID. He didn't have a bank account. | ||
| He had $50,000 in cash above his bed on a headboard. | ||
| Witness protection program style? | ||
| Is that what was going on? | ||
| No, he just didn't want to pay taxes. | ||
| He didn't want to pay taxes on any of his money. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So you can't, like, exist, really. | ||
| So did he know that he was sick? | ||
| And he didn't have health insurance, so he didn't have any of that stuff, and he didn't take care of his body, and then he got sick, and it was already, like, stage four or stage five. | ||
| So he didn't know he was sick and just decided, fuck it, I'm not going to pay taxes, I'm just going to ride this out? | ||
| I mean, he didn't pay taxes, I think, for around 15 years he didn't pay taxes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, he didn't exist. | ||
| He didn't have a driver's license. | ||
| He faked a driver's license. | ||
| He got a fake ID. God, what a character. | ||
| But he was a great dad. | ||
| He was like a really good dad. | ||
| You should do a one-man show about your dad. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Well, that's the story on Ari's show, is I talk about my dad, too. | ||
| Wow, that's amazing. | ||
| He would take me to Atlantic City all the time, and he taught me how to sort of count cards and blackjack. | ||
| In addition to being a boogie, he was a sicko gambler. | ||
| That was his big vice. | ||
| He never did drugs, he never drank, but he would gamble. | ||
| All his money. | ||
| That's incredible, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My grandmother got arrested when I was a little kid. | ||
| She used to run numbers for the mob, and they wanted her to turn state's evidence, and she wouldn't do it, so they locked her in jail for six months. | ||
| So whenever we would go visit my grandma, she wouldn't be there. | ||
| My grandfather would be there. | ||
| Oh, your grandma's visiting Aunt Josie. | ||
| She would have some things she was doing. | ||
| Oh, she's with Aunt Marie this week. | ||
| It was some story, but meanwhile she was in some cell somewhere because she wouldn't rat on these guys. | ||
| They would do their version of the lottery. | ||
| It would be like running numbers. | ||
| Yeah, the numbers is how much people bet total, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I did a version of that when I was in high school. | ||
| There was football cards that you could sell, which was... | ||
| It's the craziest thing. | ||
| You basically have to pick out of... | ||
| I think you list like ten games that weekend, all the football games, and you have to pick five winners out of the ten. | ||
| Which feels easy, right? | ||
| But it's so difficult out of these games to pick five winners. | ||
| And you charge $5 a card, and if less than half the people win, you make money. | ||
| And I was making money doing this for all of high school. | ||
| And then in college I became a real bookie. | ||
| I would actually get clients. | ||
| That's so crazy! | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I would go to these frat parties and get all these frat kids to bet through me. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Did you have any issues with that? | ||
| Like guys not paying or with like the school finding out? | ||
| Yeah, you have like a few issues, but then it's just they can't bet anymore and they want to bet. | ||
| These people want to bet. | ||
| You never need to strong-arm people because they just can't bet next week if they don't pay. | ||
| I've never understood that. | ||
| When you do that, do you have to have like a stash of cash that you can match up with? | ||
| Well, I had a deal worked out with my dad's gambling office where they would pay all of my losses and I would keep half my winnings. | ||
| So no matter who lost, they would pay them and I would just keep half the winning. | ||
| Now when you did that, did you have to have like a really sick knowledge of sports? | ||
| Did you have to be on top of it? | ||
| How much time does that require? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| You've got to stay on top of the odds because they're constantly changing. | ||
| And if a lot of people are betting on one side, you've got to move the point spread to favor the other side so people bet the other side. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, it was nuts. | ||
| You could make up fun prop bets. | ||
| They have weird stuff like, will the Broncos score as much as Shaquille O'Neal? | ||
| On Sunday. | ||
| Oh, weird, crazy bets. | ||
| Like, crazy bets, yeah. | ||
| Well, those were bets that people got accused of, like, shaving on, that, like, they got informed, you know, about certain things. | ||
| Like, I'm not saying you should lose this game, but if you do this, it would behoove us. | ||
| Oh, that happens a lot. | ||
| You know, like, get to a certain number. | ||
| Like, you know, dude, you're at 32. Oh, shit. | ||
| Okay, cool, cool, cool. | ||
| And just throw some bricks. | ||
| I learned, you know, apparently, I didn't know this, that, like, my dad would fix horse races. | ||
| That was his big thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Was you would just basically pay a jockey to hold a horse back. | ||
| I knew a jockey who got arrested for that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, it's so common, apparently. | ||
| Yeah, there's a guy who used to run those chariots. | ||
| You know those chariots? | ||
| You ever see those? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Harness. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he literally stood up to try to get the horse to slow down because he was winning. | ||
| And they caught him standing up like, you piece of shit. | ||
| That's what you do. | ||
| You hold them back for several races, they become a huge underdog, and then you let them loose, and they win. | ||
| It's the classic way to do it. | ||
| Well, this guy was trying to slow his horse down, and they barred him from being a jockey ever again. | ||
| And then he went and hired William Kunstler. | ||
| Kunstler! | ||
| Yeah, he kept talking about it. | ||
| I got Kunstler. | ||
| I got Kunstler on my side. | ||
| I'm going to sue these cocksuckers. | ||
| I'm not going to make any money. | ||
| George the Greek. | ||
| He was this guy. | ||
| The Greek. | ||
| He died of cancer, too. | ||
| You know, Jimmy the Greek, there's like a whole documentary about him. | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| Yeah, that's the guy that claimed that black people's butts were higher. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Yeah, that's why he got arrested. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| Or that's why he got fired, rather. | ||
| Yeah, he was saying about slave owners breeding, you know, the largest bucks with the... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was his whole thing. | ||
| But meanwhile, he makes them actual points. | ||
| They did do that. | ||
| They did have slaves where they guaranteed took the largest males and tried to make them with the largest females to make stronger slaves. | ||
| I mean, that has to have happened at some point in time. | ||
| And the athletics that you see from black African Americans, they're the best athletes on earth. | ||
| And when you're a white guy and your name is Jimmy the Greek, you've got to try to figure out why that is. | ||
| And you've got to be so sure about it. | ||
| You've got to be so sure. | ||
| Even though it's not scientific, for him, it's like, yeah, you know what they used to do? | ||
| They used to take the guys with the fucking biggest dicks and the best athletes, they breed them with the biggest women, and they make the biggest slaves. | ||
| Bada bing, bada boom! | ||
| But they would say crazy shit back then on TV, like Howard Cosell got in trouble. | ||
| They would smoke! | ||
| Remember when he said, look at that little monkey run? | ||
| That was like a statement that he had of, there was a football player who was like really fucking fast. | ||
| Yeah, well what becomes taboo changes all the time, right? | ||
| You ever go back recently and watch Eddie Murphy Raw? | ||
| Oh my god, yeah. | ||
| You're just like, oh my god, this is all gay. | ||
| This is all homophobic. | ||
| Weirdly angry towards gay people material. | ||
| Yeah, and everybody went along with it. | ||
| There was a way, back then, all you used to do was say, this is a fucking faggot, and everybody would go, yeah! | ||
| Oh, in my lifetime, faggot was fine. | ||
| It was fine to say. | ||
| Like, I remember when I was a kid, it was just like, it's just a fun word. | ||
| And now it's like, it's on the par of the N-word. | ||
| Yeah, you're not supposed to use it anymore. | ||
| It's too bad. | ||
| It was a great word while it lasted. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I miss it. | |
| And even when it was not used in a gay sense, you know, you use it. | ||
| Look at this faggot pen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at this little faggot monkey over here trying to throw bananas at me. | ||
| Get back up in your tree. | ||
| I feel like we're going to get a Jezebel article about this podcast. | ||
| Why? | ||
| We're not saying anything's wrong. | ||
| We're not like... | ||
| We're not on the side of Jimmy the Greek or on the side of people that are calling a football player a monkey. | ||
| We're just saying how weird it is. | ||
| But black people can run better. | ||
| Look, I don't know why it's racist to say they're the best athletes. | ||
| I don't know why that's racist. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| They're better. | ||
| Like, look at LeBron James. | ||
| Look at Kobe Bryant. | ||
| Look at John Jones. | ||
| Look at Anthony Rebel Johnson. | ||
| Well, there's a school of thought that it's because that's what they're, you know, in their lack of educational infrastructure, that's what they're able to do. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| That's who their role models are. | ||
| There's also, like, bone density. | ||
| African Americans have significantly more bone density than white people. | ||
| In fact, African American women on par a lot of times have a similar bone density to white European men. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Yeah, there's, like, physical advantages to being African American, especially, like... | ||
| There's people from certain parts of Africa that are just unbelievably good at running. | ||
| To the point where all marathon runners and all these Olympic medalists and certain distance running came from this one area. | ||
| With white people, too. | ||
| I was in Norway, and they have huge people there. | ||
| Scandinavians are huge. | ||
| I was just in Sweden this past weekend. | ||
| A lot of Viking-looking people. | ||
| They're these huge-looking dudes. | ||
| Really square jaws. | ||
| Genetics. | ||
| Like, those were Vikings. | ||
| They literally were Vikings. | ||
| But why were Vikings bigger? | ||
| They got the spoils. | ||
| They got all the food. | ||
| They got the food. | ||
| And the toughest and the strongest stayed alive. | ||
| They live in these harsh northern climates way before they had anything other than burning wood to stay warm. | ||
| I mean, they survived like that for hundreds and hundreds of years. | ||
| And there's the strong genes of these Vikings. | ||
| But it's okay to be a Viking because then you are a conqueror. | ||
| You're like a winner. | ||
| But if you say that someone has really good genes because they're a slave, it's derogatory. | ||
| So that's where people take issue with it. | ||
| Oh, I can see why people take issue with it. | ||
| Like, if there was a bunch of people that were from Norway, if you were like some Jewini-Greek type guy and you're on TV, the thing about these guys from Sweden, fucking Norway, is they're bigger because they used to kill everybody. | ||
| They were on horses, they had big swords, they were big guys. | ||
| These faggots from Norway. | ||
| Yeah, only the fucking ones that were bigger survived. | ||
| They would breed the big males with the big females, and they would come with the best athletes. | ||
| Nobody from Norway would get mad at you. | ||
| I mean, you know, the thing is, I grew up with guys like that. | ||
| Like, all my dad's friends were like that. | ||
| My uncles were like that. | ||
| And they just would be just so casually racist at the dinner table, you know? | ||
| I mean, seriously, you know? | ||
| Yeah, it was a common thing. | ||
| Even now, like, my parents, my mom, and my grandma, you know, they'll just be like, I just don't understand why Mexicans have to be here. | ||
| You know, like, they'll say things like that. | ||
| Like, just so reasonable. | ||
| Like, just like, I just don't understand. | ||
| Why do they have to be here? | ||
| Oh, that's so funny. | ||
| There were people that grew up in a certain pattern, and that certain pattern was like, it is normal to distrust people of other ethnicities and races. | ||
| It's like, that's the pattern. | ||
| It's so normal. | ||
| It's soldered into your brain. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And to break that pattern... | ||
| It was all the humor. | ||
| It was all the humor of my family growing up was racial. | ||
| Can you imagine if someone tried to put on, like, Archie Bunker on a TV show today? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How long would that last? | ||
| How long would it last? | ||
| Before some people would implode just by Twitter and Facebook comments. | ||
| Yeah, it would be a great podcast, though. | ||
| The Archie Bunker Podcast. | ||
| Watch it! | ||
| You can't be racist like that anymore. | ||
| It just doesn't exist. | ||
| No, it's the other way. | ||
| You have to have every type of demographic in a show. | ||
| Yeah, you've got to cover everything. | ||
| You've got to cover every single base from top to bottom. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, we live in a time where people are just more aware of what was fucked up about the past, too. | ||
| We live in a time where people are more aware of what was really bad about, you know... | ||
| Or what's going on now. | ||
| People are really aware of that. | ||
| Like, I don't think there could be another Holocaust now. | ||
| You know, people would know about it instantly. | ||
| I wonder. | ||
| I mean, look at North Korea. | ||
| They could have something similar there. | ||
| I wonder how many people would have to die before they would act, before people... | ||
| Well, they don't have oil there. | ||
| They don't have resources there that we need. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| But I mean, like, how far could it go? | ||
| I mean, he is essentially the last of the great dictators, right? | ||
| How far do you think he'd go with his human rights atrocities before we, as a united world, said, fuck this guy? | ||
| I mean, it's clear. | ||
| All he would have to do is go past a border. | ||
| Once he's like, I need more land, or I need more people, or I need more resources, then we're just like, no way. | ||
| It happened. | ||
| It was the Korean War, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, was that? | ||
| We're just fine. | ||
| If he's contained there, killing all these people that we don't care about, you know. | ||
| Yeah, was that one of the few times in... | ||
| History where there's like, there's a North Korea and a South Korea, and they live right next to each other, and they fucking hate each other, and they look exactly the same. | ||
| Well, it's India and Pakistan is like that, too. | ||
| Similar, but they have different religions, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Don't they? | ||
| Doesn't India and Pakistan, don't they show like Indians more Hindu, Pakistan is more Muslim? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Muslim. | |
| Yeah, there is a religious war there, but they are so close. | ||
| There was this Vice documentary about... | ||
| I feel like Vice documentary are just fodder for hipsters to have conversations. | ||
| You see this Vice doc, man? | ||
| No, where they show the border, and there's just these troops just staring at each other. | ||
| Like Pakistan troops and India troops just looking at each other a few feet away. | ||
| Just like, don't do it, man. | ||
| And they all have bombs, both sides. | ||
| Oh, yeah, they have nukes. | ||
| Yeah, it's like us being at war with Mexico. | ||
| You know, like going down to La Jolla and you're looking across the border at tanks pointing in your direction. | ||
| We were, yeah. | ||
| This was Mexico. | ||
| Yeah, a big part of it. | ||
| Yeah, that's one of the big issues with some people in L.A. is that L.A. was stolen from the Mexicans. | ||
| You know, there was some radical UCLA professor that I remember he had these videos that he was putting out. | ||
| This is stolen! | ||
| Latino land! | ||
| And he had this crazy speech that he was giving. | ||
| Like, stolen? | ||
| What generation are we talking about here, man? | ||
| When was this stolen? | ||
| I mean, it was one in a war. | ||
| By the way, it wasn't yours to begin with. | ||
| What about the Native Americans? | ||
| Mexico is Native American plus Spanish. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Spaniards came down, landed, the Incas. | ||
| They bred. | ||
| Everybody had sex. | ||
| That is a lot of what Mexico is. | ||
| That's a lot of Mexican heritage. | ||
| It has to do with people from Spain who came over to Mexico. | ||
| I mean, that's the real reality. | ||
| And when you go back before then, are we going to give everything to the Inuits? | ||
| Are we going to give everything to the people that came over from Asia, the Bering Strait? | ||
| They're the original ones. | ||
| The Native Americans are the original Mexicans, the original North Americans. | ||
| It wasn't all Mexico. | ||
| This is all people. | ||
| It's all people. | ||
| Yeah, and we destroyed them. | ||
| The only argument, though... | ||
| We annihilated these people. | ||
| We wiped them off the face of the earth. | ||
| There's a lot of that. | ||
| The other argument is that... | ||
| We don't let them come over here. | ||
| There's a clear border. | ||
| There's a clear border. | ||
| There's a lot of issues. | ||
| It's hard to just get over here. | ||
| It doesn't matter who owns it. | ||
| It's everybody's. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| You can't really come over here. | ||
| If you do, they keep an eye on you. | ||
| They don't want you to stay. | ||
| Did you hear we just busted a Russian spy ring recently? | ||
| That's still a thing? | ||
| We still have Russian spies. | ||
| Did you hear about the hot chick that they had that was a Russian spy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Wow. | ||
| It was a hot chick that was like chatting guys up and getting information. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And now she's back. | ||
| She's like a superstar back in Russia. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We deported her. | ||
| How cool is it that Russia's a villain again? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's been many years. | ||
| I think they always have been. | ||
| I think it's just... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's not cool at all. | ||
| Is this really the only way that you could search things yet we have to see you search in front of those cameras now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hello. | |
| That's the only way to do it? | ||
| Is that Amy Adams? | ||
| Okay, let's buy a couple more things because this is awkward. | ||
| Yeah, that's her. | ||
| That's the Russian. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| And she's in like the Maxim, the version of Maxim in Russia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look. | |
| Being hot is more interesting than anything else that you do. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Was she an escort? | ||
| Or how did she... | ||
| Well, she was a spy, and she worked for Russia. | ||
| And she would, like, mate with guys, breed with them, get their sperm and their ideas and information. | ||
| Yeah, but what do spies do? | ||
| She would, um... | ||
| Oh, she sent marriage proposal to Edward Snowden. | ||
| She looks like a Bond spy. | ||
| She really looks like it. | ||
| She tweeted a marriage proposal, but that was back in 2013. She might have since gone on to a thousand different dicks. | ||
| Yeah, that's the next article. | ||
| Yeah, who knows? | ||
| Who knows who she's bringing? | ||
| X-Russian Spy goes to a thousand dicks. | ||
| It's hilarious, though, that they hired a woman to go over and seduce men and get information from them. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| It's cute. | ||
| Russians, man, they will never be okay with just being... | ||
| Number two. | ||
| Number two. | ||
| Yeah, they can't. | ||
| Nobody wants to be number two. | ||
| All these guys, too, like Putin and all the guys who run the government were part of... | ||
| You know, the real USSR. They were raised in that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's normal to them. | ||
| Well, Putin is the most gangster of all the people today that's in control of a large government because he's so transparent. | ||
| Like when they arrest people and take away their businesses and throw them in the gulag. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| He's like their Reagan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| We've never had anybody like Putin. | ||
| The guy got elected out, like he left, like he did his term, left, put some puppet government in his place, and then went back and started running it again. | ||
| They're very alpha culture. | ||
| I grew up with a lot of Russians. | ||
| It's really all about strongest, most, best jewelry, best dressed. | ||
| It's very alpha. | ||
| These guys are so alpha. | ||
| Well, they have to probably survive that weather. | ||
| Isn't there probably some... | ||
| Right. | ||
| You need a lot of Fila jumpsuits. | ||
| If you're living in Russia. | ||
| No, but I mean like the genetics, just the culture and the genes to survive that sort of an environment. | ||
| Unbelievably harsh climate. | ||
| So many didn't. | ||
| Scant resources under the thumb of an oppressive government. | ||
| You know, I just read a stat that directly related to Stalin, like directly related, 49 million people died. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He killed 49 million people during his reign. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I never would have thought it was that high. | ||
| Yeah, 49 million. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Like, unnatural causes. | ||
| That's so fucked. | ||
| And he put them in camps, like concentration camps and stuff. | ||
| Isn't it funny that he doesn't get brought up the same way like Hitler does or any of these other horrible murders? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Isn't that crazy? | |
| Because he's too scary. | ||
| He has too much power. | ||
| I think, you know, that's... | ||
| Or, I mean, uh, never mind. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know why. | ||
| I meant Russia in general. | ||
| No, we're talking about someone killing 49 million people. | ||
| He killed 49 million people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's so bizarre that that's not brought up on a regular basis. | ||
| I couldn't believe it either. | ||
| I looked at it and I was like, this can't be real. | ||
| Yeah, he basically would just send people to these Siberian gulags and they would just work to death and he would just kill them. | ||
| What's the number of people that Hitler supposedly killed? | ||
| Eight million, right? | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| Yeah, it is weird. | ||
| That's very strange that he's responsible for so much more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, it was quicker. | |
| Hitler did that very quickly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And was going to keep going. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| He's just getting ramped up. | ||
| Yeah, Hitler is like a different category than any evil. | ||
| You know, there's like evil and then there's a huge jump to Hitler. | ||
| No one even approaches that. | ||
| Well, I think the really scary thing about Hitler for a lot of people wasn't just that he was evil, because there have been evil people throughout history, but that he was incredibly charismatic and we can watch it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We can actually see it on a film for one of the first times. | ||
| If someone can go back and see video footage of Alexander the Great and go, oh, that's what was going on. | ||
| Or Napoleon. | ||
| Oh, that's what was going on. | ||
| But we can see Stalin and we don't talk about that. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's something about those speeches that Hitler gave, though, where he was out there in front of all those... | ||
| His fucking hair was going crazy and he's screaming and he's methed up. | ||
| Now that we know what he was doing. | ||
| Oh he was? | ||
| He was all methed up. | ||
| He was a great artist. | ||
| He was a painter, yeah. | ||
| Was he? | ||
| George W. Bush is a painter, too. | ||
| Oh, he's great. | ||
| Have you seen the paintings he does now? | ||
| I would love to buy one of his paintings. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Most bad karma you would have having those fucking things in your house? | ||
| He paints stuff that a nine-year-old would paint. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Kitty cats. | |
| He paints like a dog. | ||
| He paints like a hand turkey. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| A hand turkey. | ||
| Yeah, he paints like a kitten, and like, you know, has a little blue underneath it as the background, and then that's it. | ||
| His artwork is dog shit. | ||
| Who, Hitler? | ||
| No, Bush! | ||
| Jesus, Brian, you gotta pay attention. | ||
| You can't just sit there on your iPad. | ||
| No. | ||
| Seriously, you can't just interject in the middle. | ||
| This is twice you did that in a row where you didn't know what we were saying. | ||
| No, I know what you were saying the first time and the second time. | ||
| I was looking at Stalin and it says 40 to 60 million is what I was watching when you guys started this second story. | ||
| When? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You said it was how many million did you say? | ||
| 49 million? | ||
| Yeah, they were saying actually historians are saying 40 to 60 million. | ||
| So that's what I was looking at and I thought you guys were talking about it. | ||
| No, we were just talking about George Bush's artwork. | ||
| His dog shit artwork. | ||
| Wait, you're saying Hitler killed 60 million? | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Stalin. | ||
| Stalin. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| 40 to 60. Right. | ||
| That's a huge range. | ||
| That's a jump of 20 million. | ||
| That is when you're talking about people being murdered. | ||
| That's a huge range. | ||
| Yeah, fuck. | ||
| Yeah, maybe 20 more million than we thought. | ||
| Well, that's often the case with serial killers, too. | ||
| Like, everybody's scared of, like, certain serial killers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then you hear about some that no one even knows about, and they killed, like, 100 people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| It's like... | ||
| How does everybody not know? | ||
| You ever think about how many... | ||
| Look at this fucking shitty artwork. | ||
| This is George Bush's shitty artwork. | ||
| God, he draws puppies and shit. | ||
| And he wears an apron. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| Who does that? | ||
| You know I'm wearing a paint with an apron on. | ||
| Could you imagine the fucking nightmares that guy must have? | ||
| I don't think he knows. | ||
| I think that guy is so simple that he is just like, whatever. | ||
| Some people told me to do things and I did them. | ||
| Might be right. | ||
| Yeah, he might be right. | ||
| That guy sleeps just fine. | ||
| What about Dick Cheney? | ||
| How does he sleep? | ||
| He sleeps with a baby in his mouth. | ||
| He sleeps chewing on a baby. | ||
| He painted Leno a painting. | ||
| He's perfect. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's so good. | ||
| George Bush made a painting of Jay Leno for Jay Leno. | ||
| He gives you a painting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Who would have thought that guy was a war criminal? | ||
| Can you imagine all the time he spent making that painting? | ||
| Just imagine how creepy you would feel about George Bush just sitting there thinking of nothing but you for hours while he's painting you. | ||
| Look how proud he looks. | ||
| He's like... | ||
| I made this for you. | ||
| And Jay Leno's like, it's haunted. | ||
| I feel it. | ||
| It's got the texture of a million dead Iraqis. | ||
| I found the weapons of mass destruction. | ||
| It's this fucking painting. | ||
| It's terrible artwork, man. | ||
| It's just weird that this guy is one of the most hated figures in American politics ever, worldwide. | ||
| George W. Bush, yeah. | ||
| People connect him with the Iraq War, with the Afghanistan War, with all the poor decisions. | ||
| Yeah, he's going to go down as one of the worst ever, if not the worst. | ||
| We're still too close to it. | ||
| Well, the poor decisions that were made following 9-11 and how 9-11 happened... | ||
| You know, and all the crazy conspiracy people to think that he was in on it, or they were in on it. | ||
| Yeah, you know, all those conspiracies when they're like, it's an inside job. | ||
| It's never like Bush. | ||
| You know, it's like some rogue CIA guy. | ||
| You know, I feel like people think that like, Bush is there just like, okay, we got to knock down these towers. | ||
| Well, do you remember Vincent the Chin Gigante? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you're well immersed in the crime world because of your dad. | ||
| He used to walk around like a crazy person with a bathrobe on and act like he was nuts. | ||
| And that's how he got away with a lot of what he did. | ||
| Like, he wouldn't talk to anybody in his house, and he would go walk, and he would walk and talk to people, and he would act like he was nuts all the time. | ||
| Well, I think it also came out later that he was nuts. | ||
| He actually was nuts. | ||
| He had schizophrenia, yeah. | ||
| Well, I guess if you act like you're nuts long enough, eventually, maybe the, like, nature, it's like, don't hold your eyes like that, we'll stay that way, you know, maybe it's one of those things. | ||
| But that is a good, yeah, you like hide in plain sight kind of thing. | ||
| Well, maybe Bush is a really smart guy, and everybody shut the door. | ||
| Is everybody gone? | ||
| Listen, man, I knew what the fuck was going on. | ||
| How do you think? | ||
| Nobody's angry at me. | ||
| Notice that? | ||
| Everybody hates Dick Cheney. | ||
| But I believe that the powers, the real powers, not like Illuminati type stuff, but the guys like the Roves and the Karl Rove, the people who actually get presidents elected, they don't want to choose people that have a lot of independent Oh yeah, of course. | ||
| They want to choose people that are just going to be like, okay, sure, sure. | ||
| Well, that's John F. Kennedy. | ||
| Or who want power so bad that they'll just be willing to do anything for it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And John F. Kennedy, that was like the big knock on him was that he wouldn't play ball. | ||
| Is that, you know, he had this idea in his head of how he was going to do things and they shot it out of him. | ||
| And people, too, you know, they're always like, why don't they just do what they said they were going to do during the election? | ||
| I found out once that, you know, there's a full day when you are elected where they take you to the CIA. If you're elected president, they take you there and they tell you all the secrets. | ||
| Like, they tell you all the secrets that people don't know. | ||
| For a full day. | ||
| They're just like, okay, here's all the shit that the American public does not know. | ||
| And then I feel like you're like, oh, well, I can't do any of that stuff I said. | ||
| Like, there's like aliens pointing something at us. | ||
| You know, who knows what, you know? | ||
| Well, there's for sure some shit that we're doing, like, covertly that a lot of people think, we're going to close Guantanamo Bay. | ||
| Actually, no, you're not. | ||
| And here's why. | ||
| And you're like, oh, yeah, I'm not. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| Yeah, there's so much stuff. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| And there's so many financial interests. | ||
| I've got to pee. | ||
| Is that cool? | ||
| Yeah, go ahead, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go ahead. | |
| Can I do that? | ||
| Yeah, we've got to wrap this thing up soon anyway. | ||
| Unfortunately, I've got to get out of here. | ||
| All right, we'll just wrap it up, man. | ||
| Your episode is going to be when? | ||
| Your episode on This Is Not Happening. | ||
| The 12th. | ||
| The 12th. | ||
| February 12th. | ||
|
unidentified
|
February 12th. | |
| And This Is Not Happening is on? | ||
| 1230 a.m. | ||
| on Comedy Central. | ||
| In what nights? | ||
| What's the 12th? | ||
| Thursday nights? | ||
| Thursday nights at 1230. And it's our pal Ari Shafir's show and Barry Rothbart. | ||
| You can follow him on Twitter. | ||
| Dude, we've got to do another one. | ||
| Let's do a long one next time. | ||
| I have more time and you have more time. | ||
| Fucking awesome. | ||
| Love talking to you. | ||
| You're a funny dude. | ||
| Very interesting story, too. | ||
| Your life story is amazing, man. | ||
| Yeah, we get into it. | ||
| So follow him on Twitter. | ||
| Twitter? | ||
| Twitter. | ||
| Barry Rothbart. | ||
| And watch his show on February 12th. | ||
| 12th. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| On Comedy Central, 12.30 on Thursday night. | ||
| This is not happening. | ||
| Alright, friends. | ||
| We'll see you next week. |
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