Aug. 28, 2014 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:58:44
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Hello, fuckers. | ||
| What's cracking? | ||
| Waiting for an answer. | ||
| This episode of the podcast is brought to you by a new sponsor, DraftKings.com. | ||
| While we were in Denver last week, I got schooled on the wonders of... | ||
| What's the best way to describe this? | ||
| This new activity that a lot of you folks are engaging in called Fantasy Football. | ||
| It's basically the premise of our friend Steve Renazizi's show, The League... | ||
| Dungeons and Dragons for jocks. | ||
| Yes, Dungeons and Dragons for people who are really into sports. | ||
| And Jamie's a fanatic, and it was sad seeing him scramble to try to make his picks. | ||
| But... | ||
| I know people are into it, and football season is just around the corner. | ||
| And you can get your piece of $5 million during kickoff week at DraftKings.com, America's favorite one-week fantasy football site. | ||
| Now, I don't know much about fantasy football, but I'm going to have to learn about it now, because Jamie completely perplexed me this past week. | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons is here, and he wrote a Doors logo like we're in high school, and he wrote it on his fucking... | ||
| Remember we used to do those Van Halen things with the wings? | ||
| Everybody used to do that on their... | ||
| And the Rolling Stones lips. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Everybody used to do that in their notebooks. | ||
| Anyway, DraftKings for fantasy football, folks. | ||
| You've already been scouting players and doing research for your season-long team, so you can use that knowledge to actually win cash the first week of the season at DraftKings.com. | ||
| Last year, one player turned $11 into $4,000 in one weekend. | ||
| Oh, I heard about that. | ||
| Another player won a million dollars in one day just playing fantasy football. | ||
| How the fuck did a guy win a million dollars in a day playing fantasy football? | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| It must be real. | ||
| It's on the ad. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Because he picked Shaquille O'Neal. | ||
| It's rookie year. | ||
| Well, fantasy football is exciting. | ||
| Can you do that? | ||
| You have to pick people that are playing right now. | ||
| You don't even know how it goes. | ||
| Don't you know Shaquille O'Neal retired? | ||
| Shut your mouth. | ||
| Doesn't he play basketball? | ||
| He's retired. | ||
| DraftKings.com is about football, you fuck. | ||
| Where you can win huge cash starting the first week of the season. | ||
| Don't miss out on week one excitement. | ||
| Reserve your spot now. | ||
| So bounce over to DraftKings.com. | ||
| Enter the promo code ROGAN. That's enter the promo code ROGAN. And you'll get a free entry into week one. | ||
| $5 million kickoff bash at DraftKings.com. | ||
| Bigger events, bigger winnings, bigger millionaires. | ||
| This is insane. | ||
| I can't even believe I'm reading this, but it is true. | ||
| Apparently, you could win a million dollars. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| Anna Rogan for a free entry now at DraftKings.com. | ||
| That's DraftKings.com. | ||
| And that is the end of the fucking sponsors for today. | ||
| Why have more when you have Greg Fitzsimmons and his Doors logo? | ||
| I am, yeah, I am a sponsor. | ||
| Joe Rogan Podcast, check it out! | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night, all day! | ||
| Powerful Greg Fitzsimmons. | ||
| Oh man. | ||
| What's up buddy? | ||
| Smoke a little, write a Doors logo, settle in. | ||
| Greg wrote a, for folks who are just tuning in now, Greg wrote a Doors logo on his notebook like as if we were in high school. | ||
| We all used to do that in high school. | ||
| I used to do the KISS logo. | ||
| I was a big KISS fan. | ||
| Right. | ||
| KISS, the S's were like triangles on top, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's like, well, the S's go like a Z, sort of. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Hey, do bands do that anymore? | ||
| Do they still have logos? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But do they have logos that kids draw on their notebooks or anything? | ||
|
unidentified
|
N-I-N. Yeah, but Nine Inch Nails is not today. | |
| Nine Inch Nails is from the 90s. | ||
| Like, bands of today. | ||
| The kids that were really stoned could do Led Zeppelin. | ||
| Remember, it had like a million little scribbles. | ||
| Yeah, and kids got props that were really good at that. | ||
| Like, a kid could do a solid Doors logo from scratch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, wow. | |
| Well, one of my best friends, we used to sit in the back row, baked, in eighth grade, and he would draw on desks, you know, shit like the Doors logos and all that, and I was the class clown. | ||
| And now, like, all these years later, he's one of the top record designers in the country. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He worked for Jimi Hendrix's estate for a while. | ||
| Doing all those, like, re-releases that they did, he did all those album covers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| My uncle used to do that. | ||
| My uncle used to work for Howard Marks Advertising, which was the company that used to produce Kiss album covers. | ||
| And I was a little kid. | ||
| I met Ace Frehley. | ||
| Ace Frehley came into the office and he had no makeup on, which was just insane. | ||
| It was like I was seeing the Easter Bunny without his fucking clothes on. | ||
| I was like, what the fuck? | ||
| I couldn't even believe he was really there. | ||
| And the fact that he didn't have makeup on, it was almost like a life-changing event for a 10-year-old or whatever the fuck I was. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because I couldn't believe Ace really didn't have his makeup on. | ||
| How's he just walking around? | ||
| And then I realized what a brilliant move that was. | ||
| They were famous, but nobody knew what they looked like. | ||
| Genius. | ||
| Oh, it's the greatest move of all time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, look, the Insane Clown Posse has the same thing. | ||
| The Insane Clown Posse could be at the fucking 7-Eleven right next to you buying cigarettes. | ||
| You would have no idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You don't know what they look like. | ||
| Is that what they look like? | ||
| No, that's Ace Frehley. | ||
| That's Ace Frehley today. | ||
| Or voiceover guys. | ||
| Like, they got Matt Groening and the guys that do the Simpsons voices. | ||
| They're making more than anybody and they can sit in a restaurant without getting annoyed. | ||
| Yeah, that's so true. | ||
| Well, Matt Stone and Trey Parker became famous. | ||
| They became famous. | ||
| They did their own movie, and then they've done so many interviews. | ||
| They took acid and went to the Oscars. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| Women's dresses. | ||
| No shit! | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| I didn't know they were on acid. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| They're the greatest. | ||
| They're so important for the culture. | ||
| Guys like that are so important. | ||
| Guys that can make those kind of shows, they're so fucking important. | ||
| Did you see The Book of Mormon? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Loved it. | ||
| That opening song, I started laughing so fucking hard, and then I looked around the theater, and people come in, and they know it's Matt Stone and Trey Parker, so they're like, all right, this is going to be shocking. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But then when they start singing Fuck God and the Mouth, Ass, and Cunt... | ||
| And I'm laughing, and I see the people are pulling back. | ||
| Half the audience can't handle it. | ||
| That makes me laugh twice as hard. | ||
| And they're, like, far into the whole next scene, and I'm still doubled over. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| That was fucking brilliant. | ||
| Here's them with the office. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that why you're in the dress? | |
| It's just such a magical evening, and everyone looks so spectacular. | ||
| We just wanted to be a part of it all. | ||
| It's a night of magic. | ||
| What? | ||
| It's a night of magic. | ||
| It's a night of magic. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| Dude, when they did that fucking South Park movie and Satan and Saddam Hussein were in bed together and you see Satan's dick and they're allowed to show his dick because it's fake. | ||
| It's because it's rubber. | ||
| So they have this rubber dick. | ||
| It was the movie. | ||
| It's so ridiculous. | ||
| Come on, just suck my dick. | ||
| It was so ridiculous. | ||
| You're like, how are they getting away with this? | ||
| They push so hard, too. | ||
| One of the reasons why they get away with putting all their shit in the movies is they put a bunch of stuff in the movies that are so fucked up that they have some bargaining tools. | ||
| They'll cut out some of this other stuff that they weren't planning on putting in there anyway. | ||
| Have you ever seen the full sex scene between the two puppets in Team America? | ||
| No. | ||
| They shit on each other. | ||
| They piss on each other. | ||
| I mean, it's crazy. | ||
| He drops a log on her chest. | ||
| It's so ridiculous. | ||
| That's what they cut out and then they released it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So the scene is insane already. | ||
| I remember the scene's insane, right? | ||
| It was way over the top in real life. | ||
| Or the original version. | ||
| But they probably... | ||
| I know they do that shit on purpose. | ||
| We used to do that... | ||
| Paul Sims used to do that on news radio. | ||
| On purpose. | ||
| Right? | ||
| They would say penis. | ||
| There was an episode where Bill McNeil, Phil Hartman's character, had to say penis on the air. | ||
| And he said penis like a hundred times. | ||
| And they put in all these extra penises so they could trim it down. | ||
| And that episode didn't air until the third season. | ||
| They pulled that episode. | ||
| They're like, it's too controversial. | ||
| And then they aired it in the third or fourth season. | ||
| Did it seem weird? | ||
| Did anyone look different? | ||
| Out of nowhere, one week, somebody had purple hair instead or shorter hair? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Because it was a different season, right? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Well, yeah, it would definitely look different. | ||
| Three years, people's faces change a little. | ||
| Just a slight amount. | ||
| I went to the... | ||
| The Phil Hartman had a star of fame put on the Hollywood Walk of Fame He had a star and I went there and there were some people that I hadn't seen 16 17 years Like a lot of the writers and a lot of people that worked on staff and it was weird. | ||
| It's like wow We're all getting fucking old. | ||
| It's strange. | ||
| Yeah laughing about it But it is strange to see the weathering like my friend Lou Who I picture is this like boy faced young kid is hilarious writer Lou Morton and He had gray hair. | ||
| I was like, wow! | ||
| Look at me. | ||
| Now we just got together, me and a few college friends. | ||
| I hadn't seen them in years. | ||
| And I looked around and you start to think, wow, I must not look as good as I think because they look fucking terrible. | ||
| And they're my peers. | ||
| You know, one guy is fat as shit. | ||
| So, if you get fat enough, there is a key to aging where if you can put enough fat into your face, it's like Botox and you don't wrinkle and you kind of have that youthful glow because you're just filled with oil. | ||
| You know, William Schachner allegedly does that on purpose. | ||
| I can see that. | ||
| William Schachner says, I put on five pounds a year. | ||
| And five pounds a year keeps his face round and... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do it. | |
| I adjust for men and I keep it fat. | ||
| Is that your move? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| You're just coming up with an excuse for keeping it fat. | ||
| Bro, that's not true. | ||
| Dr. Pepper 10. You can't say that, man, because William Schachner actually plans it, so you can't claim it. | ||
| That is an amazing thing. | ||
| That's what I used to do when I wanted to get out of relationships. | ||
| It's pretty much the same thing. | ||
| You just fatten up? | ||
| You fat them out? | ||
| Do you remember that Kinison bit about getting out of relationships? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, you're the best bit. | ||
| He's like, I don't ever break up with them. | ||
| He goes, I get them to break up with me. | ||
| That way they feel bad that they left me when I needed them most. | ||
| It's flawless! | ||
| He did this thing where he says, I'll just stay up for weeks and do coke, and then one they go, Sam, you're just not the guy that you were when I met you, and I'm sorry, but I have to go. | ||
| And she leaves! | ||
| It's flawless! | ||
| She leaves! | ||
|
unidentified
|
The best part about it, she feels bad because she left you when you needed her most! | |
| And you got to go out and do coke for three weeks. | ||
| Have you ever heard Maren tell the Kinnison stories? | ||
| Oh yeah, when he pissed on his bed? | ||
| Well, just how crazy they were with coke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Marin was on our podcast and he said that he heard voices in his head for almost a year. | ||
| Who, Kinnison did? | ||
| No, Marin did. | ||
| Oh, from just trauma? | ||
| They did so much coke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They did so much coke, he was hearing voices. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Dude, for like a year! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He said that Kinnison would just redline it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bam! | |
| All day. | ||
| He was just gone for days and days at a time. | ||
| I wonder what it was like. | ||
| What stops did he make? | ||
| Because he was on the Sunset Strip going to record store, diner, bar, strip. | ||
| In one day, he would make more stops than you would in a month. | ||
| Just ripped out of his mind, sleeping three hours a night. | ||
| He sometimes didn't sleep for days, apparently. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was an animal. | ||
| He was a... | ||
| The funniest thing about him was that he was a reverend. | ||
| People who are... | ||
| If you never heard Kinison, go download Louder Than Hell. | ||
| It was so offensive that Warner Brothers never released it as a CD. It's like one of the greatest comedy albums ever, but it's only on cassette. | ||
| Because Warner Brothers... | ||
| Still? | ||
| So much homophobic stuff on there. | ||
| There's just so much stuff that was so offensive to gay people. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And so that was never released. | ||
| It was never released as a CD. I used to have it as a cassette. | ||
| But people have put it up now. | ||
| You can get it through Torrents. | ||
| It's not on iTunes or anything like that? | ||
| I don't think it's on iTunes, man. | ||
| It might be. | ||
| See if it is. | ||
| Just for Hell? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Louder Than Hell. | ||
| Loud as hell? | ||
| Louder Than Hell. | ||
| I think it's Louder Than Hell. | ||
| It's his first CD. And then some of the material is similar to what was on his first HBO special. | ||
| There's some crossover with some of the material, but it's his best stuff. | ||
| Those two, his HBO special and Louder Than Hell. | ||
| The HBO special was from Montreal, right? | ||
| No, it's from the Roxy, right up the street from the Comedy Store. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| He did it at that theater on Sunset, which is perfect. | ||
| Oh, it's on there. | ||
| Is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's on there? | ||
| Yeah, that's it, man. | ||
| That right there, my opinion, best comedy CD ever. | ||
| That's my number one. | ||
| Somebody had to say to me, what was the most influential comedy CD? That's it. | ||
| I think he was the best ever for a year. | ||
| I think for one year plus two years, whatever it was, when he was just a maniac. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you just can't keep that up. | ||
| You can't keep that going. | ||
| It's so awful for your body. | ||
| Because he was on the crest of the wave. | ||
| A wave has depth. | ||
| There's a lot of failure and a lot of frustration underneath the ocean. | ||
| And it builds until it swells. | ||
| And then that fucking wave pops out. | ||
| And that's where he was on the crest of that wave. | ||
| And he rode it. | ||
| And he got to shore and just fucking... | ||
| Well, he was a superstar all of a sudden. | ||
| That's a good metaphor. | ||
| That was pretty goddamn good. | ||
| Similar to Hunter S. Thompson's metaphor about what happened in the 70s. | ||
| You ever heard that thing? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It was in the movie, the Johnny Depp movie. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, where he played them. | ||
| Johnny Depp did an awesome job of... | ||
| Pull that up. | ||
| See if we can find it. | ||
| The wave speech from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. | ||
| Did I just steal that? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, you probably never heard it. | ||
| Did you ever read Fear and Loathing? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, it's so good. | ||
| Johnny Depp was at the Comedy Store the other day watching Doug Stanhope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's funny. | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they're buddies. | ||
| That's another thing, though, that he's another one. | ||
| Hunter S. Thompson is another one of my all-time favorites. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's another one that just burnt it out, man. | ||
| Did you used to read him in Rolling Stone magazine, or you'd read his books? | ||
| No, I read his books. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The first one I read was Fear and Loathing. | ||
| It's not on? | ||
| Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. | ||
| Has it been five years? | ||
| Six? | ||
| It seems like a lifetime. | ||
| The kind of peak that never comes again. | ||
| San Francisco in the middle 60s was a very special time and place to be a part of. | ||
| But no explanation. | ||
| No mix of words or music or memories can touch that sense of knowing that you were there and alive in that corner of time in the world. | ||
| Whatever it meant. | ||
| There was madness in any direction. | ||
| At any hour. | ||
| You could strike sparks anywhere. | ||
| There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we were doing was right. | ||
| That we were winning. | ||
| And that, I think, was the handle. | ||
| That sense of inevitable victory over the forces of old and evil. | ||
| Not in any mean or military sense. | ||
| We didn't need that. | ||
| Our energy would simply prevail. | ||
| We had all the momentum. | ||
| We were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave. | ||
| So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look west. | ||
| And with the right kind of eyes, you can almost see the high water mark. | ||
| That place where the wave finally broke and rolled back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Johnny Depp's a bad motherfucker. | |
| He is a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He's a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Guy can act his dick off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But that guy, Hunter S. Thompson, was real similar to me, to Kinnison, because he just burnt it out. | ||
| It was all coke. | ||
| It was just coke and booze and just... | ||
| And then he wrote a couple of great books and then there was just nothing left. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then towards the end, I mean, he was... | ||
| If you've ever seen Hunter S. Thompson on Letterman, it's sad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because you can't... | ||
| You literally can't understand him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can't understand the words that are coming out of his mouth. | ||
| Like he's... | ||
| You think he just fried his brain or... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fried it! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Cooked it, barbecued it, sautéed it, minced it up, ran it through a fucking grinder, fried it again. | ||
| And it wasn't just coke. | ||
| He was just pill, everything. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| A lot of acid. | ||
| Everything he could get his hands on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He was a maniac. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's a video or an article, rather, where a reporter followed him around and monitored his drug usage for the day. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| I mean, it's... | ||
| I don't know if this was a typical day, but this was this one day. | ||
| And I bet it was a typical day, because he always talked about it. | ||
| I guess your system just gets used to it. | ||
| Did you see him doing those hand things where he's going like this? | ||
| Thompson used to do that when he was right. | ||
| I know somebody, a friend of ours that does that all the time. | ||
| Probably copies Johnny Depp. | ||
| I can see that. | ||
| Well, you know, it's sort of like, it's visceral. | ||
| He may have some kind of learning disorder. | ||
| No, he's thinking. | ||
| He's thinking. | ||
| Well, he's thinking. | ||
| He's like, hmm. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| All right, here's his daily routine. | ||
| 3 p.m., rise. | ||
| 3.05, Chivas Regal with morning papers. | ||
| Smokes Dunhills. | ||
| 3.45, cocaine. | ||
| 3.50, another glass of Chivas. | ||
| Another Dunhill. | ||
| 4.05 p.m., by the way, first cup of coffee and a Dunhill. | ||
| 4.15, cocaine. | ||
| 4.16, orange juice and another Dunhill. | ||
| 4.30, cocaine. | ||
| 4.54, cocaine. | ||
| 5.05, cocaine. | ||
| 5.11, coffee, Dunhills. | ||
| 5.30, get more ice in the Shivas. | ||
| Cocaine at 5.45, 6 o'clock, smoking grass to take the edge off the day. | ||
| 7 p.m. | ||
| The day. | ||
| Three hours into it. | ||
| Three hours in. | ||
| Lit. | ||
| 7.05. | ||
| Woody Creek Tavern for lunch. | ||
| Heineken. | ||
| Two margaritas. | ||
| Coleslaw. | ||
| A taco salad. | ||
| Double order of fried onion rings. | ||
| Carrot cake. | ||
| Ice cream. | ||
| A bean fritter. | ||
| Dunhills. | ||
| Another Heineken. | ||
| Cocaine. | ||
| And for the rest of the ride home, a snow cone. | ||
| A glass of shredded ice, which is poured over four jiggers of Chivas. | ||
| Okay, so the snow cone is Chivas. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| 9pm. | ||
| Starts snorting cocaine seriously, it says. | ||
| 10pm. | ||
| Drops acid. | ||
| 11pm. | ||
| Chartreuse. | ||
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| Cocaine and grass. | ||
| 11.30. | ||
| Cocaine, etc, etc. | ||
| 12. Midnight. | ||
| Hunter S. Thompson is ready to write. | ||
| That's when he sits down to write. | ||
| 12.05 to 6 a.m., he writes, chartreuse, cocaine, grass, chivas, coffee, Heineken, clove cigarettes, grapefruit, Dunhills, orange juice, gin, continuous pornographic movies. | ||
| 6 a.m., in the hot tub with champagne, dove bars, fettuccine Alfredo. | ||
| 8am, Halcyon, which is a sleeping pill. | ||
| 8.20, sleep. | ||
| So he would take a sleeping pill at 8.20 in the morning after riding it hard. | ||
| What I love is that most people, it's about, if I get this work done, then I can have a drink. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| With him, it's the opposite. | ||
| Yeah, he got... | ||
| He actually did the work. | ||
| Yeah, he got wild to the core where there was nothing left but just savage chemicals flowing through the brilliant core of his mind. | ||
| And then he just sat in front of that typewriter and let it rip for six hours. | ||
| Just focused it onto the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Wow, that's insane. | ||
| But you can't do that for long. | ||
| It doesn't last. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And in the end, it's ugly. | ||
| Pull up Hunter Thompson on David Letterman. | ||
| It's kind of like life is about finding that line where you are pushing yourself and you are finding your edge, but you're not burning yourself out. | ||
| This is way more than an edge. | ||
| I mean, it's a suicidal thing. | ||
| And with Hunter, he also had it in his head that when the time would come, he would take his own life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was like, this getting old shit is nonsense. | ||
| It takes the pressure off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He was convinced. | ||
| I mean, he had told everyone around him that when it gets too much, I'm just going to end this. | ||
| I'm not going to slowly drift away when I know there's no hope in sight. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And for him, they would do operations on him, do the hip operation, like, you've got to stop drinking. | ||
| He's like, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Hits it that night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, right away. | ||
| What is this? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Oh, here we go. | ||
| I don't know if this is the right one because he's been on a lot. | ||
| This is from 2012. Oh, that's perfect. | ||
| 2012 is perfect because that's the end. | ||
| I don't even think he was alive in 2012. No. | ||
| When did he kill himself? | ||
| Longer than two years ago. | ||
| Oh, maybe this just meant uploaded in 2012? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, uploaded. | |
| Uploaded. | ||
| Uploaded. | ||
| Seems pretty recent, though. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I mean, not that recent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, fairly. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's not old Letterman with a full head of hair. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How you doing? | |
| All right. | ||
| By all means, make yourself at home. | ||
| Yeah, he died in 2005. You know, it's been a long time since I've seen you. | ||
| And help me refresh my memory. | ||
| Doctor, your doctor is what? | ||
| What area, what discipline are you a doctor in of? | ||
| We discussed that last time. | ||
| It was divinity. | ||
| Chemotherapy. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| In journalism. | ||
| Where did you go to study? | ||
| Where did you get your divinity? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We've been through this. | |
| It's an old story. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Where did you go to Yale? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Were you a seminarian at Yale? | |
| I did not go to the Yale Divinity School. | ||
| Where did you go, Hunter? | ||
| David, I'm not going to discuss these things. | ||
| You'd rather move on? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You went to Ball State, is that it? | ||
| I went to Ball State, not Bowl State. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ball State, yeah. | |
| Sorry. | ||
| How you been? | ||
| Smokey. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're 60 years old now, is that right? | |
| Yeah, it seems weird. | ||
| I thought you were dead, too. | ||
| It hasn't been so long. | ||
| Does it mean anything to you, turning 60? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| The guys must have some dark sense of humor. | ||
| Keep me around this long. | ||
| This is actually way better than the one I was thinking of. | ||
| The one I was thinking of, now that I remember it, is actually Conan. | ||
| He was on Conan, and Conan went shooting with him. | ||
| They went out to his Woody Creek. | ||
| He has this place in Woody Creek with a lot of land, and he would just set up things and just fucking blow them away with guns. | ||
| And he had Conan out there blowing out guns with him, and I swear you could barely understand him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was just... | ||
| I had a good line, though. | ||
| I thought you were dead, too. | ||
| You're sharp. | ||
| Letterman didn't expect that uppercut. | ||
| Yeah, he was a funny dude. | ||
| ...to say, well, that's not going to happen. | ||
| I said, all right, let's do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We brought a camera crew. | |
| Here's what happened. | ||
| I think they're ready over on the firing range. | ||
| Should we head over that way? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And the idea is you're going to instruct me in how to blow things to hell. | ||
| Well, now we're going to do art. | ||
| Art? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What can I get you, sir? | |
| I'll have that huge shotgun over there. | ||
| A little more. | ||
| A little more there. | ||
| How about a little? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's good? | |
| Yeah, shoot a few things. | ||
| It'll loosen us up. | ||
| Loosen us up. | ||
| They're drinking booze and shooting things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| I'd say that was pretty good. | ||
| That was his character on Doonesbury. | ||
| They used to make fun of him on Doonesbury. | ||
| Well, that's a good example, I guess. | ||
| It's better as it gets on and he gets more drunk, I guess. | ||
| That's probably why I couldn't understand him. | ||
| him but if you go from that to what he sounded like how articulate he was when he was younger how clear he was to understand you know like from the the documentary Gonzo Life and Times of Hunter S. Thompson there's some interviews of him when he was in black and white and you know you got to see what he was like as a young man there's some serious deterioration by the time he got to 60 yeah and in perspective Sylvester Stallone is 67 or 68 and he shredded you know Talks great, still doing action movies. | ||
| That just shows you the impact that Hunter put on his body. | ||
| 60, whatever he was there, 62. And that he lived, so he actually has a strong... | ||
| He could handle... | ||
| Most people would have died of liver disease or killed themselves before. | ||
| Well, 60's not that old, man. | ||
| He was 62 when he died. | ||
| Think about it. | ||
| That's 40-something years of pounding substances in your body. | ||
| And probably not exercising ever. | ||
| No. | ||
| No. | ||
| Eating fucking dove bars in a hot tub. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Fettuccine Alfredo at 8 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| He was an animal. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Would you do that? | ||
| If you knew you could come back and you wouldn't be addicted and you wouldn't be dead, would you take that lifestyle on for one month? | ||
| No, I wouldn't want to feel like that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not a speed guy at all. | ||
| I like coffee. | ||
| It's good for conversation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But I have no desire to try the speeds. | ||
| I think I would like them way too much. | ||
| No, I just mean more in terms of just completely being self-destruct. | ||
| Obliterated? | ||
| Yeah, just... | ||
| I couldn't do it. | ||
| I couldn't do it because I know too much about what it's doing to my body. | ||
| I could do it for a night. | ||
| For a night, I could go on a bender. | ||
| Do you do that? | ||
| I have. | ||
| I've definitely had some nights where I got just destroyed. | ||
| But again, there's no coke involved. | ||
| It was mostly Jack Daniels or something like that. | ||
| A few too many shots, getting crazy, smoking too much weed. | ||
| But the big difference between that and what he was doing was he was doing it all day. | ||
| I mean, if I would do it, it'd be like, you know, you start at 10. By 1 o'clock in the morning, you're basically done. | ||
| And then you're just trying to find somewhere to eat and sober up. | ||
| But this guy was gunning it all day like that, writing books. | ||
| And he went three hours before he put solid food in his body. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just drinking and doing coke. | ||
| Smoking Dunhills. | ||
| I mean, I have too much carbs in the afternoon. | ||
| I need to nap at 4 o'clock. | ||
| I think part of me, like, I quit drinking a long time ago. | ||
| Part of it was, like, I just didn't want to deal with the hangover energy. | ||
| Awful. | ||
| It's one of the worst feelings. | ||
| It's just a waste of time. | ||
| You just feel like such a fucking idiot. | ||
| Like, I just sacrificed several days. | ||
| It's almost like, say if you had a job that really sucked and you worked for like a week, saved up all your money, and then you went to the casino and you blew it in five seconds. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, you fucking idiot. | ||
| Right. | ||
| All the time you wasted. | ||
| It seems almost similar when you're hungover. | ||
| Because it's like, what, did I have fun for an hour? | ||
| And then the last two hours were a fog. | ||
| And then I threw up. | ||
| And then I went to sleep. | ||
| And then I woke up and I feel like death for two days. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That can't be worth it. | ||
| Well, I can remember being young enough where I'd hook up with a one-night stand, shit-faced, get it done, never had a problem getting it done, always closed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good for you. | |
| Good for you. | ||
| And then waking up in the morning still drunk and then going for the morning sex and feeling good about it because then after, there's no hangover after the morning sex. | ||
| There's just like a light buzz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But that's at, you know, 21. Yeah, 2021, you're a different thing. | |
| You're a battery. | ||
| You're a full battery. | ||
| Plus, you're free. | ||
| You can't believe no one's telling you what to do. | ||
| You can't believe, for the first time in your life, no one is telling you when you have to go to bed, when you have to be home. | ||
| You're a man. | ||
| You're a free man for the first time. | ||
| Those years are buck wild. | ||
| Those years, whenever you get out of the house, whenever you're paying your own bills, whenever you have a job, you're like, I guess I'm an adult now. | ||
| I have a job and an apartment. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| And you're deciding when you go to bed? | ||
| Yeah, in a way you feel like an adult and in a way you feel like a little child because that little child gets to play and explore the night. | ||
| Like, you know, all of a sudden at 4.30 in the morning, you're not like, now if I'm up at 4.30 in the morning, I'm like, how the fuck do I get to bed as soon as possible? | ||
| Then you're like, what else? | ||
| What else can we stumble on? | ||
| Is there a door I can knock on? | ||
| Is there possibly a booty call I can make right now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who's got coke? | ||
| How do you keep this thing rolling? | ||
| And then it's like you mortgaged your house, and then on top of the mortgage, when the coke comes into the picture, it's like now you're just taking out loans from Shylocks now. | ||
| Now you're going to the worst loan sharks, and you're like, listen, listen, listen. | ||
| One week, I'll pay you back. | ||
| I'm paying it all back. | ||
| That's how you feel when you do the coke. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The coke is the one that I ducked it my whole life. | ||
| You would love it too much. | ||
| You would start talking so much. | ||
| You'd do 20 podcasts at the same time. | ||
| That's what my friend Jimmy Laws told me when we were in high school. | ||
| They were all doing it at this party. | ||
| And Jimmy goes, don't do it. | ||
| You'd like it too much. | ||
| And I go, okay. | ||
| That's all I need to hear. | ||
| Anytime a guy who likes to do coke tells you not to do coke... | ||
| And he didn't like to do coke, but he had a cousin that liked to do coke. | ||
| I saw too many kids. | ||
| Too many kids that would just be engrossed in it. | ||
| That's all they wanted. | ||
| I saw kids, you know, we did all the drugs, but Coke was too expensive, so we did it, but it was kind of a luxury item. | ||
| We were more like, a lot of my friends were doing angel dust, because that was cheap, and a lot of mescaline. | ||
| Did you ever take mescaline? | ||
| Never took it. | ||
| I think it's a form of acid, right? | ||
| No, mescaline is a form of peyote. | ||
| Oh, it is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's very colorful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You see a lot of colors, and you laugh a lot. | |
| Yeah, that's shit I never got a hold of. | ||
| When that was going around, that was all going around post high school, just after high school, when I was in my super healthy phase. | ||
| All throughout, from high school to 21, 22, there was very little drinking, very little partying, very, very little. | ||
| The occasional joint would come out if I had a couple of beers, but it was so rare, and I always felt guilty after I did it. | ||
| Those were the healthy days. | ||
| I was selling mescaline for a little while. | ||
| This guy, Andre, the blackest... | ||
| Blacker than your coffee. | ||
| And tough. | ||
| And he was like in and out of juvie homes. | ||
| And so he got me to sell it to my friends. | ||
| So I would have a bag... | ||
| Because a lot of my friends were into the Grateful Dead. | ||
| And we'd go to a dead show and I would just sell like 100 hits of mescaline. | ||
| And so then one day, I guess... | ||
| I didn't even owe him money. | ||
| He would give me a bag and then I'd pay him after I sold it. | ||
| Time wasn't really up yet, but I came home one afternoon and I opened the front door to my house and I walk in. | ||
| We lived in a pretty nice house. | ||
| My mom is sitting with Andre in the living room having tea. | ||
| And she never met him. | ||
| He just showed up looking for me. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| Uh-oh. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| That's uncomfortable. | ||
| That ended my... | ||
| My drug dealing days ended right there. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want Andre embedded in your life. | ||
| Imagine if you came home while Andre was banging your mom. | ||
| Because he would do that. | ||
| I know Andre. | ||
| And she's on mask. | ||
| I know Andre. | ||
| Andre would do it. | ||
| Yeah, he lit up her drink. | ||
| He had tea with her, dropped a tab in her tea. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Now the doors are playing. | ||
| Riders on the storm. | ||
| And you open the door and he's just fucking hammering your mom from behind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Father? | |
| Yes, son. | ||
| I want to kill you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Father? | |
| Into this house we're born. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ta-ta. | |
| Ta-ta. | ||
| And he just... | ||
| And you're like, what? | ||
| And I walk in and he turns his head and sees me and gives me a look that makes me have to fucking leave the room. | ||
| Mid-stroke. | ||
| Doesn't even stop banging my mom. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, you don't want to see this. | ||
| I don't want to see that shit. | ||
| And I'm on mask. | ||
| Jedi mind tricked you. | ||
| These are not the droids you're looking for. | ||
| Andre working every angle. | ||
| Someone like that banging your mom. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's dark. | ||
| Yeah, that would be brutal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's dark. | |
| Seeing his ass, you know, that prison ass. | ||
| You don't know what it's been through. | ||
| It's probably got striated muscle tissue all throughout it, too. | ||
| It looks terrifying. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I can think about the amount of force he could generate with that ass. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Yeah, strong thighs because he's walking around selling drugs. | ||
| He's out on the street. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Constant motion. | ||
| A lot of cardio. | ||
| And now he's got the back of his thighs ripping and driving. | ||
| You know that drive you get from the inside of your thighs when you're really fucking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| He's doing that to her. | ||
| Oh, good lord. | ||
| Is this airing? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| We'll edit that part out. | ||
| Do you know on Riders on the Storm, he does one track singing and there's another track he's whispering? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| At the same time? | ||
| Yeah, play it. | ||
| It's like, at the same time... | ||
| We'll get pulled off of YouTube if we play it, won't we? | ||
| And you never know why that song... | ||
| Jamie's like, whatever. | ||
| Let's just do it. | ||
| Okay, well, let's see. | ||
| I never knew why it was so haunting and then you hear that and it's like, fuck. | ||
| At least Vimeo doesn't pull us off. | ||
| They did cool shit back in the 60s when they were coming, multi-track recording. | ||
| They were doing all kinds of cool shit. | ||
| You know, the Beatles, backtracking stuff. | ||
| A lot of that was Phil Spector, that crazy fuck. | ||
| Oh, is that right? | ||
| His wall of sound. | ||
| The wall of sound, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right. | ||
| That was his thing. | ||
| We'd always pull guns on people and he got back to his house He picked up some woman. | ||
| I think at the house of blues I think she was there a waitress or something got her back to his house put a gun in her mouth and pull the trigger and blew her fucking brains out And went through this big trial because of it Yeah. | ||
| And in the trial, he would wear different wigs every day. | ||
| He was bald, and so he'd wear these crazy 1960s wigs, like the most ridiculous wigs ever, like during his trial. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| Pull up some photos of Phil Spector's wig. | ||
| Here's the Doors Whisper track. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is just the track with the whisper and the percussion. | |
| He was a sexy dude. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sure, it's certain. | |
| Not cool. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Riders on the storm. | |
| Into this house we're born. | ||
| Into this world we're thrown. | ||
| Like a dog without a bow. | ||
| And you're out alone. | ||
| Riders on the storm. | ||
| There's a killer on the road. | ||
| His brain is squirming like a dog. | ||
| Take a long holiday. | ||
| Let your children play. | ||
| That's haunting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Killer on the road. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Condos. | ||
| This is Phil Spector when he was in court. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| In court for murder, and he's wearing that wig. | ||
| That's not a Photoshop either. | ||
| That was the real wig. | ||
| And he would wear different ones. | ||
| Like, some days they would be different. | ||
| If he had a couple different wigs, see if he'd find the other one. | ||
| I get so confused because that trial happened, I think, around the same time as, wow, Ellen DeGeneres on trial. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| Ah! | ||
| It's Martina Navarrova mixed with Ellen DeGeneres. | ||
| Then ask me how the fuck I pulled Martina Navatrolova. | ||
| You said troll in the middle of it somehow. | ||
| Navatrolova. | ||
| Wasn't she like one of the first lesbians? | ||
| Like the first out lesbian? | ||
| Yeah, she came out during the AIDS thing. | ||
| That was like the 80s, right? | ||
| Yeah, I guess, you know, 84, 85? | ||
| She had balls. | ||
| Did she? | ||
| Tough chick? | ||
| No. | ||
| Tennis balls. | ||
| Yeah, she's a badass. | ||
| But this is what he really looked like. | ||
| Oh, that's gruesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Looks like the guy that killed Patrick, what's his face, in Ghost. | ||
| Patrick, no, you know who that was? | ||
| Who was it? | ||
| That was the comic who died of AIDS, black guy in New York. | ||
| Charlie Burnett? | ||
| No, other black guy in New York who died of AIDS. Who else died of AIDS? Black Hispanic. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Who the fuck was that? | ||
| He died of AIDS, I remember, because I started dating his girlfriend about six months later. | ||
| Oh, that dude. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| He also died. | ||
| He died, too? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How did he die? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Something with his face, probably. | ||
| Well, Phil Spector didn't die, that fucker. | ||
| He's in jail. | ||
| They nailed him? | ||
| They nailed him down? | ||
| I guess when he had bank checks, he would like to put guns in their mouths and shit. | ||
| I could see that. | ||
| And he wound up shooting her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, by accident, you think? | ||
| It might have been that, or it might have been just he murdered her. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, if you think about it, if you had no value on human life, and everyone's trying to go for the biggest orgasm you can get, whether it's doing coke, grabbing your own balls, cock ring, but think about blowing somebody's head off as you came. | ||
| That would be huge. | ||
| That would probably be, if you were like a total psychopath, that would probably be the end all. | ||
| Be like coming and taking at the same time. | ||
| Putting human life into her as you take it out of her. | ||
| And then imagining that your loads actually got her pregnant, and that that kid would be born to a body that just died, would be conceived to a body that just died, right when the loads get to the egg, the loads crack open the egg, and they're like, sorry boys, the factory's been shut down, she's dead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| But we just got here. | ||
| He just came inside her. | ||
| The eggs are here. | ||
| Everything's fine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's do it. | |
| Let's do it. | ||
| Her spirit goes into his dick hole. | ||
| It's like the opposite of an abortion. | ||
| She dies. | ||
| Baby lives. | ||
| The baby gets conceived. | ||
| Like the first days of life. | ||
| That's the number one debate when it comes to abortion. | ||
| It's not whether or not women should have to keep the baby and get pregnant. | ||
| The real debate is when is it actually a person? | ||
| Because I don't think it's a person when it's two cells. | ||
| You know, I think if you see two cells there, and those two cells could grow to become a person, I feel like if you snuff those two cells right now, there and then, you're good. | ||
| I don't feel like you killed somebody. | ||
| But if it gets to be like six months, and it's inside the woman's body and could live outside of her womb, is that a baby? | ||
| At what year? | ||
| Or at what month, rather? | ||
| Jonathan Katz used to say, I think life begins after the second cup of coffee. | ||
| I think it's right out of the gate. | ||
| Right out of the box? | ||
| Like conception? | ||
| Right into the box. | ||
| As soon as that thing combines the egg, that's life. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I'm not saying you shouldn't be able to kill it. | ||
| I'm just saying it is a lie. | ||
| Don't kid yourself. | ||
| Don't fucking soft sell it. | ||
| If you're going to get an abortion, you got an abortion. | ||
| If you took the morning after pill, you aborted a life. | ||
| You have the right to do it, and I support that, but don't pretend it wasn't high stakes what you just did. | ||
| That's so important to say and so taboo. | ||
| What you're doing right now is so... | ||
| That can be demonized. | ||
| You can be thought of as insensitive. | ||
| People can get angry at you. | ||
| People have concocted certain politically acceptable phrases for certain things. | ||
| And abortion. | ||
| For abortion, the number one issue is always a woman's right to choose. | ||
| Right? | ||
| But a woman's right to choose exactly what are you doing? | ||
| Like, what are you doing? | ||
| I'm down for you having the right to do whatever you want with your body. | ||
| I don't think that anybody, especially anybody that can't have a life in their body, like a man, we can't even understand what that is. | ||
| It's too far outside. | ||
| It's impossible for us. | ||
| It's only like fiction. | ||
| It's only like... | ||
| When we try to pretend to understand, to put ourselves in the mind of a woman that's pregnant, we're just making things up. | ||
| We have no point of reference whatsoever. | ||
| It's a whole dimension. | ||
| It's a different dimension. | ||
| I don't think it's any of our business, but as far as that, as far as whether or not a woman should be able to end this life form inside of her body. | ||
| Why do we have this desire to pretend that it's something other than a person? | ||
| Like, I got in this argument with this dude on Twitter, this comic. | ||
| Seems to be a funny guy. | ||
| But he kept calling me right-wing and saying that I was saying right-wing talking points. | ||
| And I said, listen, I'm 100% in support of a woman's right to choose. | ||
| You're hearing me wrong here. | ||
| But what I'm saying is, it was because Dawkins had compared a woman I think he had compared it to a baby pig. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| No more of a human than a baby pig is. | ||
| I guess he's talking in scientific terms. | ||
| A very, very young fetus. | ||
| Whatever age it is when you decide it's a fetus. | ||
| And he was saying that. | ||
| I was like, that's ridiculous. | ||
| It's such a ridiculous point. | ||
| And it fucks up the whole argument because obviously that baby pig can't become a person. | ||
| But that fetus is going to be a person. | ||
| Everybody fucking knows it. | ||
| So stop playing this game. | ||
| This is a stupid game. | ||
| And then this comic starts going at me for this UK guy, Frankie Boyle. | ||
| Seems like a nice guy. | ||
| Seems like a funny guy. | ||
| But he was saying that I was saying all these right-wing talking points. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm not right-wing by any stretch of the imagination. | ||
| But what is it? | ||
| That's not a seed, man. | ||
| It's not a seed. | ||
| A seed has to be planted to become life. | ||
| That fucker's planted. | ||
| That's a sapling. | ||
| It's a person. | ||
| It's going to be a person. | ||
| If you keep eating food and you don't take too much heroin, that's going to be a fucking person. | ||
| And we all think about what our lives are. | ||
| The miracle of, you know, not knowing how the universe works. | ||
| And, you know, there's theories and there's paradigms and there's scientific data. | ||
| And we're getting a broad sense of what the actual material end of it is. | ||
| But the magic of the sperm and egg becoming something, like, that's it. | ||
| That is when life begins. | ||
| And we don't know why. | ||
| We don't know if there's a God making it happen or if it really is like a million monkeys typing Shakespeare. | ||
| But it happened and it's life. | ||
| Well, I'm offended whenever anyone tries to lump any discussion of any subject into one of those categories where you can't question it. | ||
| Or one of those categories where it's not open to discussion, that there is a certain acceptable opinion on it that you're supposed to have as an intelligent person, as a progressive, you're supposed to have one opinion. | ||
| And if you question it at all, deviate outside of that one opinion at all, you are a piece of shit. | ||
| You're a bad person. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You're outside of what we're all trying to push. | ||
| We have an agenda to push. | ||
| If you talk outside of that agenda... | ||
| I mean, for a comic to think like that, to me, is particularly offensive. | ||
| Because, like, you're not... | ||
| We're not being honest about what it actually is. | ||
| And also, it's just putting issues into black and white terms. | ||
| Instead of knowing... | ||
| It's like, you know, I can not support the war, and I can still support the troops. | ||
| Can I have that fucking distinction? | ||
| Or is it one or the other? | ||
| Nuance thought. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like people now saying, I support the state of Israel. | ||
| I don't support the government of Israel right now and what they're doing. | ||
| You can do both. | ||
| You don't have to be fucking, you know, a Zionist or an anti-Zionist. | ||
| And it's the same thing with this. | ||
| It's like, you know, abortion being something that is in the hands of women exclusively is a fucking weird situation because ultimately the man is involved. | ||
| So can we at least have an opinion about it? | ||
| Well, you know, even if you have an opinion about it, I mean, I'm not calling for an opinion that I should have any opinion as to whether or not a woman should do it. | ||
| I remove myself from that. | ||
| I should have no opinion. | ||
| This is what I think. | ||
| This is my belief. | ||
| I don't think I can stop you from doing something to your body. | ||
| At a certain point in time, when is it immoral, though? | ||
| Is it immoral when it's nine months old? | ||
| Is it immoral if you have an abortion the day before your kid was going to be born? | ||
| That's a real question. | ||
| And to pretend that's not a real question, I think, is preposterous. | ||
| I mean, it's preposterous. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Like, how can you not discuss this? | ||
| You don't want this discussed because this is not in the framework of what you think is, like, progressive liberal thought. | ||
| That becomes a problem. | ||
| No, I've been doing this bit where I ask the women in the audience, do you support a woman's right to choose? | ||
| And then they almost all clap. | ||
| And then I say, and how many of you have had abortions? | ||
| And nobody ever fucking claps. | ||
| And I was like, you know, that's a right that's under attack. | ||
| And if you are ashamed to say that you do it, you're going to lose that fucking right. | ||
| Like, I'm ashamed that I masturbate, but you outlawed. | ||
| I'm walking down Main Street with my dick out. | ||
| Like, hell no. | ||
| So, I mean, I think that that's the thing about abortion is if you shroud it in shame, which the Republicans do and which women are owning and absorbing, they shouldn't internalize it. | ||
| They should say, no, I've had abortions. | ||
| I don't think it's any of our business. | ||
| I think the thing about asking someone if they've had an abortion is like, you're asking a very intimate question to someone where it's probably an opinion or a decision that they had to make where maybe it wasn't a happy time. | ||
| Maybe it's a dark moment. | ||
| So you're asking them to tell you, some person that they've never met, that they have this dark memory, that they have this thing in their life that they're not happy with. | ||
| Just because everybody has an opinion, or just because someone has an abortion, it doesn't mean that the way they look at that abortion is a happy thing, or a relief, or something that they would do again. | ||
| It might have been a mistake. | ||
| But it's been framed as a political issue, and so that personal thing that they don't want to talk about, if they never talk about it, they're not going to be able to do that personal thing. | ||
| It's not about talking about it. | ||
| It's about admitting it in public, in front of a bunch of strangers at a comedy club where everyone's drinking. | ||
| What percentage of the population are absolutely assholes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's asking way too much! | |
| It's asking way too much. | ||
| I am very curious in that moment. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Once, you know, once I just want to see a woman start clapping in the middle. | ||
| You know, I had a great one! | ||
| I don't remember where I was. | ||
| I don't remember how the subject got to this. | ||
| But some woman in the audience yelled out something about anal sex. | ||
| You know, about either not liking it or liking it. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| But I remember something like, I go, that is very rare that someone would yell out, you know, about anal sex. | ||
| You would want to keep that, like, probably pretty private. | ||
| That could be potentially embarrassing. | ||
| Like, I'll give you an example. | ||
| Like, how many women here like taking it in the ass? | ||
| And I thought, and a couple actually clapped and yelled, and I was thinking, any girl who would clap and yell, when that question comes up, how many women like taking it in the ass? | ||
| Like, that's a girl who really likes taking it in the ass. | ||
| I mean, she's completely comfortable with it when she's like, look, I'm the girl. | ||
| I'm that one. | ||
| And if you're looking for that one out of a hundred that asked for it, here she is. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| If you don't know what you like, how are you going to be happy in life? | ||
| And then you've got to put that message out there. | ||
| That asshole's not filling itself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You need to be a hawker. | ||
| You gotta hawk your own asshole. | ||
| You gotta let everybody know you are that special person. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| That rare person that likes it in the ass. | ||
| Because some guys, you're afraid to even try it with your wife, you know? | ||
| You could go 20 years and then all of a sudden, maybe on your 50th anniversary, you try to stick it in her ass and she's like, thank you, finally! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha! | |
| Yeah, she was always almost bringing it up, but pulled back out of embarrassment. | ||
| If he wanted it, he would have tried it. | ||
| I'm not going to tell him I want a fuck in the ass. | ||
| Gladys, tell him you want it in the ass! | ||
| You've been together for 20 years! | ||
| I just don't think Harvey would like that. | ||
| I don't think he'd respect me. | ||
| Meanwhile, she goes to Harvey's fucking laptop, and it's all bookmarks. | ||
| Teen in ass, DP in ass, ass to mouth, all of his bookmarks. | ||
| The screensaver just looks like a spider. | ||
| It's a fucking close-up of a dirty asshole. | ||
| It's an outside sock. | ||
| One of those expanded, those butt socks where someone just has an exploded asshole. | ||
| Which, by the way, never saw until I saw the internet. | ||
| Never knew that that was a thing. | ||
| Is it like a post-anal sex thing? | ||
| It's just swollen? | ||
| Things stuffed in your ass until your ass comes out like an unrolling thick wool sock. | ||
| Jew clam. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| No, that was just a different thing. | ||
| It's unbelievable what people do to their buttholes these days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it's the new frontier. | ||
| It's the new frontier. | ||
| I talked to a friend of mine who got divorced, and he's a comedian, and he's got, you know, he's got enough celebrity where he can, and he said, Greg, they all want it in the ass now. | ||
| He goes, it's fucking crazy. | ||
| He's like, I was never into ass sex, and now it's like, it's just what you do. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Those kids today, they're nuts. | ||
| Absolutely nuts. | ||
| You ever see guys stuff as nuts in there? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How did he know he liked that? | ||
| How did he figure that out? | ||
| I think people just get bored. | ||
| They just get bored and they just do whatever they can do. | ||
| After you do a certain amount of porn, I mean, I would imagine if you've done porn for like 10 years, just the thought of just having regular sex is probably so boring to you. | ||
| That's when they want to put on flippers and shit and fucking snorkels and fuck in the tub. | ||
| They want to just do ridiculous shit. | ||
| Yeah, they want to put pinwheels on their nipples and, you know, put a bullet, you know, one of those target signs on their asshole and have the guy run across them. | ||
| Because they're artists. | ||
| You know, everybody, no matter what you do for a living, you should feel like there's a level at which you can do it as an artist. | ||
| And I think there are porn stars that really want to... | ||
| Like Belladonna, I think they really want to actually... | ||
| Do something that's creative for them. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| Pregnant porn? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pregnant porn and probably many things up her ass while pregnant. | ||
| Many. | ||
| Yeah, she won best double anal once. | ||
| No, she won single anal twice. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I got confused. | |
| Yeah, I was thinking, man, that's probably one of the toughest jobs for people to forget you from. | ||
| Say, if you were the host of American Bandstand, and you were on TV for a long time doing American Bandstand... | ||
| You know, you could quit, and millions of people saw you on American Bandstand, and within a decade, nobody would really hold it against you that you were on American Bandstand. | ||
| They won't define you by that job, but if you're a chick that's been involved in multiple gangbangs with these huge dicks and just fucking lube all over you and guys making you gag and your mascara's running, that almost never leaves you. | ||
| For a woman, it almost never leaves you. | ||
| Tracy Lord might be the only one that got close to escaping. | ||
| Yep, she got close. | ||
| She got in mainstream movies, and she turned out to be pretty intelligent, so she would go on shows. | ||
| She did music, too, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did she? | |
| Yeah, I think she was producing music. | ||
| Debbie Harry, I believe, did porn. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Kim Kardashian. | ||
| No. | ||
| From Blondie? | ||
| From Blondie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I'm not positive, but I believe she did porn or was a hooker. | ||
| Well, the sex tape thing is the most amazing loophole, like, that you could just say, I didn't know how that got out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember they were doing that for a while? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I mean, like, especially, like, Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton. | ||
| That was, like... | ||
| Well, no, Pam Anderson was the first one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But she was already famous. | ||
| Oh, you mean getting famous that way? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Right. | ||
| I mean, her and Tommy Lee was in goddamn Motley Crue. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| He probably leaked it just to show everybody his giant dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It was really big. | ||
| I don't care who you are as a guy, you see that video, you feel really bad about yourself. | ||
| Not really, I'll tell you why, because it's kind of skinny. | ||
| It doesn't have a lot of girth to it. | ||
| There's certain dudes, like Lexington Steele, is that his name? | ||
| The porn guy? | ||
| He's got a dick that just doesn't even look like it could be real. | ||
| The bar has been raised so high, Everybody wants to go with John Holmes all the time, especially guys in our age bracket. | ||
| They're always going to go, the guy's got a dick like John Holmes. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| John Holmes barely has a big dick compared to some of these dudes. | ||
| I mean, his dick's big, but that's like average big. | ||
| Do you think there's anything they do to make them bigger? | ||
| Is there like steroids or something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Genetics! | |
| Evolution! | ||
| It's just finding bigger dicks. | ||
| The porn stars are evolving, just like the football players are evolving. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Yeah, they're giant dick dudes now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| In silicone. | ||
| They have been black. | ||
| What? | ||
| And they inject silicone into their dicks. | ||
| Do they do that? | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Do you know this for a fact? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Because if you do, pull up a link. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| We've already talked about it. | ||
| Go get some links. | ||
| Injecting silicone in your dick. | ||
| I don't think that's a common practice, son. | ||
| It makes your dick all lumpy and shit. | ||
| No, it's actually used a lot more than you would think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| How do you know? | ||
| How many dicks have you inspected? | ||
| Kids got a new business. | ||
| I've talked about this a lot. | ||
| Well, that means it's real. | ||
| As long as you talked about it. | ||
| Man spends six years injecting silicone in his penis... | ||
| Well, of course there's instances. | ||
| I'm just wondering if the porn stars do it. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think that's what's going on, dude. | ||
| Those dudes just have giant dicks. | ||
| But that's not what's going on. | ||
| These guys have big dicks. | ||
| It's not making your dick look like their dick. | ||
| It's just not. | ||
| They have giant dicks. | ||
| If they do something to it, maybe. | ||
| But these dudes, even when they're limp, they have these giant fucking dicks. | ||
| Unless you can find a link. | ||
| Yeah, there's tons of them. | ||
| I just can't really show you them. | ||
| Well, just an article or something that says what they do. | ||
| Oh, I could show you by block putting your logo up so no one can see it except us. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I'd like to see CSI do a fucking search on Red Band's hard drive. | ||
| Oh, yeah, this is a porn site, though, dude. | ||
| This is a porn site. | ||
| This is guys sucking guys' dicks on a porn site. | ||
| That's not proof that they're shooting... | ||
| Dude, if it was something that they did all the time, you could find a goo-goo result of it. | ||
| Yeah, they're... | ||
| Porn stars inject silicone into dicks to make them larger. | ||
| Find that and then come to us. | ||
| You know who had a really big dick? | ||
| Who? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dick Daugherty! | |
| I bet he did, Dick Daugherty. | ||
| Remember, he used to do fucking 15 minutes on how big his dick was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wake up in the morning, there's goats on it! | |
| That's right. | ||
| And he was this guy who had to be in his 60s when he was doing those jokes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay, hold on. | |
| Pull that up. | ||
| Pull that up so we can read it. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| Silicone penis pumping parties are a thing and they're no good. | ||
| Okay, I've got to read this on my laptop so I can read it. | ||
| Silicone penis... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Illegal! | |
| Imagine being the cop that busts that one up. | ||
| You have to give a license for a fucking silicone penis pumping party. | ||
| Put your hands behind your back! | ||
| Applying for a license for a silicone penis pumping party. | ||
| Pumping parties involve one person injecting non-surgical silicone into another person's body. | ||
| Usually the silicone comes from items found in your local hardware store, like fix a flat or tire polish. | ||
| And they inject it? | ||
| Well, you better really enjoy that night. | ||
| Women in the past have used pumping parties to enhance the sizes of their butts, but lately more and more men have been doing it to their penises. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| Oh, I've heard about women getting, you know, they go to like Spanish Harlem and they go to like a storefront upstairs and they inject caulk and then it petrifies and they've got these hard lips. | ||
| Alright, Jeremy, I'll show you an actual guy that has silicone in his dick from a porn video. | ||
| Gotta censor it for the home people. | ||
| Okay, they're saying it doesn't work. | ||
| If there was a legitimate method for penile lengthening, Johnson& Johnson or Pfizer would have bought it up and made billions and billions of dollars worldwide. | ||
| The fact that they don't means it doesn't exist. | ||
| So what they're saying, though, is this is not... | ||
| See, that's saline, bro. | ||
| You got the wrong substance. | ||
| That guy has saline in his balls. | ||
| That's a common thing that they do, too. | ||
| Yeah, we get it. | ||
| I think we get the video. | ||
| It's just salt water. | ||
| So what they're saying is that people are idiots and that they get together and they shoot saline in their dicks. | ||
| But these are the type of people that, they're nuts. | ||
| I mean, there's people that cut themselves and put horns in their head. | ||
| And this is not like something porn stars do to make their dicks bigger. | ||
| What's his face? | ||
| They're saying also that it doesn't work. | ||
| Your friend, the porn star guy that did Rear Fucker... | ||
| That did Rear Factor. | ||
| Stephen St. Croix. | ||
| He's the one that also talked about it. | ||
| We've talked about it many times on different podcasts before. | ||
| Supposedly, it is a thing in the industry that people pump their dick up with like this shit. | ||
| I can't imagine that it would work, though. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense that it would make it... | ||
| Look, I'm telling you, if you see Lexington Steel's dick, and I'm not saying go look for it, but you will, and if you do, you're going to go, oh, that ain't fake. | ||
| That is not a big fake, siliconed up weirdo dick like a fake lip. | ||
| That's a dude with a giant dick. | ||
| And he's only one of many. | ||
| The Johnny Holmes, my point was that the Johnny Holmes reference that we had when we were kids, that's no longer the benchmark. | ||
| These guys have way bigger dicks than John Holmes. | ||
| If John Holmes was in one of those gangbangs with those guys, he would look like a guy with a big dick. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| They all have big dicks. | ||
| These guys have giant dicks. | ||
| Some of these guys, you can't believe that they can own a dick that big. | ||
| Like, what do they do with it when they're not using it? | ||
| They laugh. | ||
| All day laughing at the goodness that the world has given them. | ||
| Here's an article on Your Tango. | ||
| It's an interview with a male porn star. | ||
| And one of the things he says, Sometimes dudes can't get it up, which is a problem on a porn set. | ||
| No surprise there. | ||
| But apparently you can build up tolerance to erection enhancers like Viagra. | ||
| The solution? | ||
| Inject your dick. | ||
| Yes, with a needle. | ||
| With more intense liquid medication that works instantly and leaves your underside of your cock filled with needle holes. | ||
| Yeah, but you're talking about the wrong stuff. | ||
| This is stuff that's been around forever. | ||
| They've been doing that forever. | ||
| In the old days, they used to do it, I believe, with testosterone. | ||
| Someone said they inject testosterone right into the base of their dick. | ||
| and their dick would go so could it go in the penis and just start doing push-ups on its own You don't even have to move. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Inject and dick. | ||
| I would use Pillsbury dough in mine. | ||
| And then jerk off and have a croissant come out. | ||
| Are you cooking it in there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How hot does your dick get? | |
| You know, that's a thing that people do. | ||
| Your wife's like, why do I have a yeast infection again? | ||
| Specifically? | ||
| There's a thing that people do where they drive for long trips and they'll put food on their grill or on the engine block, like wrap it in aluminum foil, put it on the engine block and cook it as they're driving and then pull over and eat the food. | ||
| That's genius. | ||
| Yeah, and it works. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You can take a tilapia, a little slice of butter, some garlic salt... | ||
| Put that bitch up in there, fold it nice, put it on your engine block, and then the other one, you roll up some asparagus, put that also in the aluminum foil, and then drive a couple of hours, pull over, and have a nice dinner. | ||
| I wonder how long it would take to cook like that. | ||
| You need a cookbook. | ||
| Somebody should come up with a cookbook for cooking times and what part of the engine to put it on. | ||
| If you have a V6, cooking time is only 12 minutes. | ||
| If you've got a Prius, it's four and a half hours. | ||
| It doesn't get hot! | ||
| If you have a fucking old Mustang, get it off in five minutes. | ||
| Hit the gas once and eat. | ||
| It was like an old, like a GT350. Those fucking things got so hot. | ||
| Those old cars got so hot. | ||
| Well, I had this Volkswagen Rabbit back when I was going from New York to Boston pretty much every week. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I had a Volkswagen Rabbit, and they used to have the starter right next to the engine block. | ||
| And so it would get heated up, and if I stopped, like at the Mass Pike, you know, rest area... | ||
| It wouldn't start again because it was so fucking hot. | ||
| The starter was just like incapacitated. | ||
| And I'd have to wait like 40 minutes to start the car again. | ||
| So I would just leave the car running in the rest areas. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's a bitch. | ||
| I used to have a... | ||
| One of the things I loved about having a manual transmission is I didn't need the starter that I could pop the clutch. | ||
| Roll it and pop it. | ||
| Yeah, that was a big thing, man. | ||
| I wonder if I could do that with a new car. | ||
| Does that work on new cars too? | ||
| It is probably all kinds of safety things. | ||
| I wonder if it works on new cars. | ||
| I should try it on my car. | ||
| It is a huge upside of having a standard. | ||
| Oh, it was giant. | ||
| I loved it because my car ran out of batteries before. | ||
| I forgot the lights. | ||
| I left the lights on. | ||
| And all I did was get that... | ||
| I did it backwards once. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I don't know how the fuck I did it. | ||
| Backwards into reverse or backwards into reverse? | ||
| Backwards into reverse. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Backwards into reverse. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| But it works great in first. | ||
| First is where it really works. | ||
| All your car is standard that you have now? | ||
| No, no, I have an M3 that's not a standard. | ||
| That's my commuter car. | ||
| Now I'm trying to think if I did do it backwards, or if I rolled down a hill backwards and then turned around in the intersection and pulled it out. | ||
| I did it so many fucking times, I don't remember, but I had this Audi Fox... | ||
| It was such a piece of shit. | ||
| Oh, those were pieces of shit. | ||
| Such a piece of shit, but I loved that car. | ||
| That car is a special car for me. | ||
| A special car in my memory. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because that was like my independence car. | ||
| That was the first car that I got when I moved out of my parents' house. | ||
| And it was the first car that I got that was a small car that I could drive around in. | ||
| It had a cool kind of European thing going on, too. | ||
| Front wheel drive, manual transmission. | ||
| But it was such a hunk of shit. | ||
| It died all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I was always popping the clutch on that fucker. | ||
| I think it was a Volkswagen at some point, and then it switched sides. | ||
| Because Audi and Volkswagen were like the same company. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I thought Cotter had a Volkswagen Fox. | ||
| Maybe his was an Audi Fox. | ||
| That was it. | ||
| That's my baby. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's nice, man. | ||
| That looks like a... | ||
| I didn't have that year, and I had a copper one. | ||
| It was copper-colored. | ||
| I want to know if it was a two-door or a four-door. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| I think it was a four-door. | ||
| Was this your first car? | ||
| No. | ||
| It was my first independent car. | ||
| It was when I was independent, when I wasn't living with my parents anymore. | ||
| I had this car. | ||
| I think I bought it from one of my mom's friends or something, too. | ||
| I can't even remember how the fuck I got it. | ||
| But it was one of those cars where I was like, let me just drive this piece of shit around for a while. | ||
| Because I've been really into cars since I first got my license. | ||
| I always loved American muscle cars. | ||
| That's what I loved. | ||
| I loved old Chevelles and Barracudas and Challengers and those kind of cars. | ||
| I just loved them, man. | ||
| Other cars to me were just transportation. | ||
| I got it. | ||
| Yeah, I know that you want to get a VW because that was exactly what I had. | ||
| It was a two-door. | ||
| That's exactly what I had. | ||
| It was like a copper color, though, like a little darker. | ||
| But that was the first car that I had. | ||
| I was like, this is just going to get me where I want to go. | ||
| What freedom that is. | ||
| When you're inside that car and you realize, like, I'm in a capsule and it's fucking mine and it takes me where I want to go. | ||
| That's powerful. | ||
| Yeah, when you're young and it's the first time you get to just go wherever you want. | ||
| Because you've been taking buses and walking. | ||
| I'll walk to your house, see you in an hour. | ||
| Now it's like I'll see you in two minutes and then we'll go buy beer and sit behind a fucking bleach or something. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's the same car. | ||
| No. | ||
| I think. | ||
| Oh, wait, no. | ||
| That looks like a hatchback. | ||
| That's not the same car at all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| AMC Sprint. | ||
| Yeah, it's a totally different company, different names. | ||
| Well, no, it came on. | ||
| Getting the worst researcher ever. | ||
| Did you just Google car? | ||
| No, I just did the model, and for some reason that just got mixed in with your cars. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| Cars that suck that you don't want in 2014. How did you afford the car? | ||
| Did you work for it? | ||
| Yeah, I don't remember because I don't remember what year it was, but during those days, it was probably a mix of construction work and probably delivering newspapers still then. | ||
| Yeah, I was delivering newspapers even before I had the Audi. | ||
| I started newspapers right out of high school. | ||
| I did it for like four years. | ||
| I might have even done it while in high school for a while. | ||
| It was just the greatest gig ever. | ||
| Did you throw them out the passenger door? | ||
| Yes, and the driver's door. | ||
| And it depended on where I was driving. | ||
| Would you ever stop and get out because you made a bad throw? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I stopped and got out if I made a bad throw, and there were certain houses that they demanded that you put it inside their door, which is really annoying. | ||
| Did they tip you, those people? | ||
| Some of them were. | ||
| Some of them, I didn't mind it if they were old folks. | ||
| They just didn't want to get up and walk all the way down the steps. | ||
| I did it for, like, there was this old lady that was super sweet, and I always did it for her. | ||
| She didn't even ask for it. | ||
| No, she was a little too old. | ||
| A couple years. | ||
| I missed her by a couple years. | ||
| She probably wanted it in the ass. | ||
| Never had it. | ||
| They didn't do it in the ass in the 80s, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was super rare. | |
| But just think about it. | ||
| That asshole is as tight as her vagina was when she was 17. It's just waiting. | ||
| It's just waiting. | ||
| It's not kept. | ||
| It's definitely not kept up well. | ||
| Definitely flavored. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Smoked. | |
| And you know, with that arthritis, she's not getting a good wife going back there either. | ||
| Barely. | ||
| Getting one finger in the groove. | ||
| No one had anything but toilet paper back then. | ||
| And even in porn, girls had hairy assholes back then. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| In porn, it was a jungle. | ||
| They just left it alone. | ||
| There was no trimming. | ||
| No. | ||
| And then one brave gal shaved the whole cooter, and from then on out... | ||
| It was a party. | ||
| Now it's weird if you see it. | ||
| Well, I guess not, but lately if you see it, it's kind of like, what the fuck? | ||
| No, that's a thing now. | ||
| That's a thing. | ||
| Is retro... | ||
| Bushes? | ||
| Bushes, yeah. | ||
| Bushes are making a comeback? | ||
| Not huge bushes, but, you know... | ||
| A little bit of jungle? | ||
| Yeah, a little bit of jungle. | ||
| A little forestry. | ||
| Just a little bit of rainforest. | ||
| A little park. | ||
| Just a little triangle of green in the town square. | ||
| Just a little something. | ||
| A little something. | ||
| Make it interesting. | ||
| Well, people will try to change it up every now and then with everything. | ||
| I mean, remember when they tried to bring bell bottoms back? | ||
| There was a time where dudes were wearing bell bottoms again. | ||
| Didn't last long. | ||
| It was only a couple of months. | ||
| But people were just trying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And people accused me of that with the fanny pack. | ||
| But I tell you this. | ||
| First of all, I never stopped wearing a fucking fanny pack. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| So you can't tell me that I'm trying to bring it back because it never went away. | ||
| Is it back? | ||
| Fuck yeah, it's back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's back? | |
| Matthew McConaughey was at a baseball game wearing one and he was singing the virtues of the fanny pack. | ||
| I sell out of them on HirePrimate.com. | ||
| Sell out of them every month. | ||
| I hate having shit in my pockets. | ||
| I love the fanny packs. | ||
| You want one? | ||
| I got one for you. | ||
| Right here. | ||
| Jamie, get it for him. | ||
| Oh, I love it. | ||
| It's leather, too. | ||
| No, my kids laugh at me because I have one, but it ripped apart. | ||
| Yeah, see, that's a decent one, but the Roots one, I got the Roots one from Dice. | ||
| Roots is the best fucking company. | ||
| It's a great company. | ||
| They make good bags. | ||
| Dice came in. | ||
| Sweatpants! | ||
| Cigarettes! | ||
| Fanny pack! | ||
| Oh! | ||
| And so he comes in with this, look at that, this fucking fanny pack. | ||
| It's a sweet fucking fanny pack. | ||
| Oh, that's elegant. | ||
| Two legit pockets in the front. | ||
| That is elegant. | ||
| High quality, everything, like great latch. | ||
| It's got like an airplane buckle. | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Excellent latching system, and it's really high quality. | ||
| It's the best quality fanny pack I could find. | ||
| So I had my Higher Primate logo. | ||
| If you look on one of the pockets, see the chimp logo with the light bulb above his head? | ||
| That's the Higher Primate logo. | ||
| So I had it embossed, pressed, whatever it is, into the leather. | ||
| This is real leather. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck yeah. | |
| Yeah, those are high quality, man. | ||
| But if you wear one of those, like, it's so convenient when you go to the airport. | ||
| My God. | ||
| Because when you go to the airport, it's such a bitch to take everything out of your fucking pockets and put it back in. | ||
| Chicks don't have to do that. | ||
| They just lay down their purse and they walk to the other side and they're good. | ||
| Anywhere. | ||
| Like my glasses, they're sitting on the table right now. | ||
| I'll probably forget them. | ||
| That happens to me every fucking day. | ||
| This way, I stick them right inside my fanny pack. | ||
| Your phone slips right in there. | ||
| When it vibrates, it vibrates right over your dick. | ||
| Reach down, touch it, pull it out. | ||
| You wait until it's like four or five rings in, then you pull it out. | ||
| My point is that this isn't like the bell bottom. | ||
| This thing is functional as fuck. | ||
| It's like the most functional way to carry your shit around ever. | ||
| And the reason why people don't do it is because they're worried that they look bad. | ||
| Is it a conversation starter, do you find? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Most certainly is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| People go, right on, man. | ||
| I go, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Fuck everybody. | ||
| Fuck them. | ||
| Remember Rosie Greer in the 70s started wearing a dude carrying a purse? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did he? | |
| That giant fucking linebacker. | ||
| Who's going to say shit to him? | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't need a backpack. | ||
| It doesn't need to have two handles. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| But the real deal is, a backpack's better than a purse, and you're allowed to wear a backpack. | ||
| Like, if a guy has a backpack on, and, you know, you run into some friends, and one of them happens to be a girl, nobody gives you a hard time, but if you had a fucking purse on, they'd be like, what's up, bitch? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you doing with that purse? | ||
| Holy shit, is that Chanel? | ||
| The fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| Right. | ||
| You don't have a woman anywhere near you. | ||
| You're just walking around with this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And if you are a guy and you have a purse, you gotta carry it like this, like, out to the side, as if it's a head that you just cut off with a fucking sword. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like it's smelly garbage you're bringing out to the curb. | ||
| Yeah, I'm carrying this because I'm going to get some pussy at the end of this fucking journey. | ||
| I got this in my hand and when I bring it back to her, I'm going to fuck the life out of her. | ||
| Every second I hold this, there's another second I'm inside of her skull with my shaft. | ||
| And plus, you could do some good shoulder exercises, just do some hand-offs as you walk with the purse, because a lot of chicks have fucking heavy purses. | ||
| You know, you can get a lot of shit done. | ||
| The bigger the purse, the crazier the woman also. | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, but those chicks that have, like, little tiny, like, clutches, those are the chicks that can just fucking, they'll come over your house, fuck you, and they'll, all right, take care, I gotta hit the airport. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| Those chicks travel light. | ||
| They got a handy wipe in there for the undercarriage. | ||
| Otherwise, it's just a boarding pass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Give it a little fucking one of those sanitary things. | ||
| You know those wipes? | ||
| Purell wipes. | ||
| After eating ribs. | ||
| After ribs! | ||
| The things you get at Wood Ranch. | ||
| Give it a little wipe now. | ||
| And it looks the same. | ||
| Yeah, fuck it. | ||
| Let it go. | ||
| Let it go and get on that plane. | ||
| World travelers. | ||
| Some people do travel like that. | ||
| Don Herrera buys all his underwear and socks everywhere he goes. | ||
| Is that true? | ||
| Throws them out. | ||
| Yeah, throws them out. | ||
| That sounds like an effort, though, to find a place that sells underwear. | ||
| Not really. | ||
| He just pulls in somewhere when he gets there, gets some socks. | ||
| What, is he renting a car to have the gig? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I mean, I bet he does in some places, for sure. | ||
| You know, but I always rent a car. | ||
| Do you rent a car when you go places? | ||
| Rarely. | ||
| Rarely? | ||
| I go to the hotel and I just hole up and get depressed for a few days. | ||
| I know, you keep telling me you gotta bring someone around. | ||
| The way we do it, man, we do it so different. | ||
| Now with Uber, you don't need them to rent a car, really. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then you got some crazy dude driving around that's probably barely been fucking profiled. | ||
| You know, they barely checked that guy out. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| And he's, you know, all of a sudden he's driving around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got no gas. | |
| You run out of gas. | ||
| Robert Downey Jr. with a purse. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| See, I don't know about that one. | ||
| It's probably his wife's purse. | ||
| Or he's Robert Downey motherfucking Jr. and he's got a billion dollars. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| But the purse hanging around the arm seems like a pain in the ass. | ||
| That seems like you're stuck with your arm like that the whole time. | ||
| But it's a good exercise. | ||
| It's good for the arm muscles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Put a kettlebell on the other one. | ||
| Yeah, put a kettlebell in it. | ||
| I have a bowling ball case that I carry with me when I go on the road. | ||
| I bring a kettlebell in it. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| I throw a 50-pound kettlebell in that bitch. | ||
| Check it. | ||
| Shut up! | ||
| Yeah, seriously. | ||
| It's on a roller and everything. | ||
| So you can do kettlebells when you get to the hotel? | ||
| Otherwise, where are you going to get a kettlebell? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| It's hard. | ||
| Hard to get a kettlebell. | ||
| Have you ever tried one of the water ones where you just pump up with water? | ||
| Those are not strong enough for this, son. | ||
| You've got to feed that. | ||
| That needs to be fed. | ||
| Ken, this water's not going to... | ||
| You need something much larger than water. | ||
| Water's not heavy enough. | ||
| You need metal. | ||
| There you go, son. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Brian's working out. | ||
| Yeah, it's good. | ||
| The fist was shaking a little bit. | ||
| It's... | ||
| Some hotels have great gyms. | ||
| When a hotel is a great gym, it's a godsend because you don't have to go anywhere. | ||
| It's right there in the building. | ||
| When they have great 24-hour gyms, that's amazing. | ||
| Oh, can you do that? | ||
| You do the midnight workout? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I love it. | |
| No shit. | ||
| After shows. | ||
| I love an after-show weightlifting session. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You go for a while? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know why I do it? | ||
| Because I don't want to do it. | ||
| Because after shows, I want to just do nothing. | ||
| So every now and then, I like to exercise that part of me that doesn't want to do something. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think it's important to do. | ||
| I just worked in Tampa and they had a gym around the corner that was like, you know, triathlon. | ||
| Like, what are the people that drag tire fucking? | ||
| They had giant tractor tires you could push and chains you could pull. | ||
| It was wild. | ||
| There was like no pussy machines at all. | ||
| None of my machines were there. | ||
| Isn't it funny that all that stuff used to be called work? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That was what people used to do. | ||
| You had to pick up chains if you worked in a fucking shipyard. | ||
| Climb a ladder. | ||
| Yeah, if you worked in a factory that made tires, you had to flip tires, you had to move them. | ||
| I mean, now everybody's like, you know, oh, I'm getting that CrossFit workout in, I'm hitting a tire with a sledgehammer. | ||
| Why don't you do some honest work? | ||
| You're wasting all that sledgehammer movement. | ||
| You could be breaking rocks in the pen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| There's crates. | ||
| You stack crates over in the corner and then you restack them in the other corner. | ||
| You remember that was what we always saw in penitentiary movies? | ||
| Dudes would break rocks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember that? | |
| Yep. | ||
| Is that real? | ||
| That's still. | ||
| They still do that. | ||
| They break rocks. | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| I would think the last thing you would want is a bunch of inmates with insane cardio that have been breaking rocks all day. | ||
| Because if you have a fucking sledgehammer and you're swinging that bitch all day, breaking rocks, my God, are you going to get in insane shape. | ||
| You're back in it. | ||
| And if you punch somebody, George Farman used to do that. | ||
| He used to chop wood. | ||
| That was like one of his exercises. | ||
| My neighbor does that every night. | ||
| It sucks. | ||
| It's annoying. | ||
| He just has wood and he just sits there and chops wood all night long. | ||
| And it's loud. | ||
| But he has this humongous thing that you just like, it doesn't split because it's just this humongous, So he does it just for fun? | ||
| Working out. | ||
| Yeah, my doctor digs holes in his yard. | ||
| I go, what do you do for exercise? | ||
| Because he's a black belt in martial arts too, some kind of martial art. | ||
| But I go, do you do that anymore? | ||
| He's like, that's too much strain on my body because he's in his 60s. | ||
| I go, so what do you do for workouts? | ||
| He goes, I dig holes in my yard. | ||
| I go out in the yard and I just do yard work. | ||
| Start digging holes. | ||
| I go, do you want to dig these holes? | ||
| Is there a purpose for them? | ||
| He goes, sometimes. | ||
| And sometimes it's just to dig a hole. | ||
| Bodies? | ||
| No, he's a nice guy. | ||
| He said that that's like a great way of, it's a great, like, that's a manual labor that's like really robust for the body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because you're digging into that dirt, you're forcing it in with your legs, you're digging it up, you're hoisting it up, and then boom. | ||
| And then it, there's like, he goes, if you look at the motion of like digging a hole, he's like, all of that, it's like an excellent workout. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like you're forcing, you're using your legs, you're using your arms, you're using your shoulders and your back, you're digging, you're bending down, you're picking it up. | ||
| All these muscles are engaged. | ||
| Also, when it's an activity, then you will push yourself further than if you were just lifting a dead weight. | ||
| There's no creativity. | ||
| There's no beginning, middle, and end to it. | ||
| But when you're shoveling, or even if you're busting up stones, there's like, I'm going to bust this fucking stone up. | ||
| But I would think busting up stones would fuck. | ||
| Fuck your face up and your body up. | ||
| You could hit with shrapnel and shit. | ||
| You'd probably get cut. | ||
| Your ears are just deaf by the end of the day. | ||
| You'd have to have some shit in your ears. | ||
| And you know the handle's getting splinters on it. | ||
| They're not giving you good hammers. | ||
| They'll probably give you gloves. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| But I got news for you. | ||
| Even with gloves, you're going to get blisters. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're swinging a hammer all day, a sledgehammer, breaking rocks, and you're doing it five days a week or whatever they make those guys work? | ||
| See, they need to combine the gym with actual industry. | ||
| Like, what if you really did need rocks broken up? | ||
| Bring them to Gold's Gym, dump them out back, have people come out and cross-train by hitting the rocks, hook up all the cardio machines to a generator so you're getting the electricity out of it, turn the gym into a working energy and production machine. | ||
| Do you know how much cardio you would have to do to generate any energy? | ||
| Oh, is that right? | ||
| Even enough energy to power a phone while you're jogging would be very difficult. | ||
| You couldn't even keep the lights going in the gym? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, no. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| With the music playing, the TV's on, and all the fluorescence on... | ||
| Good fucking luck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Solar, you could do it with solar. | ||
| But the amount of force that you would have to do, like on an elliptical machine, just to keep your iPhone running, I don't know if you could do it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I really think your iPhone would require at least as much as you were doing if you were like really fucking hoofing it. | ||
| Unless they made a super efficient system. | ||
| But I don't know, man. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I would think that if that was the case, there would be all sorts of mechanical workarounds for electricity. | ||
| I think that would be something that someone would have thought of a long time ago. | ||
| Imagine if you could get your day's worth of electricity. | ||
| All by doing a 20-minute session on your elliptical machine every day. | ||
| So every day, not only did you force yourself to get a good exercise in to start your day, but when you bank it like that, it stores electricity and it powers your entire house for the day. | ||
| Air conditioning. | ||
| That would be badass, and eventually we get to the point where we all have, like, where they get ions small enough where everyone's got a battery pack. | ||
| You've got a fanny pack that's got a battery in it, and you've got to work out in the morning to charge that motherfucker, and then when you go to work, your computer plugs in there. | ||
| It's just got a giant plug, and then you fill it yourself. | ||
| If you don't have enough juice at the end of the day, you don't fucking work on your computer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'd be fit as fuck. | |
| Yeah, well, you would need that energy. | ||
| It's like, in a way, that's kind of what people used to have to do when they were chopping wood. | ||
| It's like, you had to go out and chop that fucking wood up, otherwise you didn't have wood to burn. | ||
| Like, there's this show that I watch sometimes. | ||
| Friends? | ||
| No, I don't watch that. | ||
| Curious George? | ||
| Frasier. | ||
| That's my favorite. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| I didn't know his Frasier thing. | ||
| Never got it. | ||
| Never understood it. | ||
| I'd watch it for five minutes and go, okay. | ||
| Yeah, it's classic sitcom formula. | ||
| Get one character who's exactly the same as the other character, and then just watch the conflict arise. | ||
| Well, Fraser's one of the weird sitcoms where people don't talk about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was a big goddamn sitcom for a long time. | ||
| Twelve years or some shit. | ||
| Nobody talks about it. | ||
| Here's another one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ready for this? | |
| And it won a ton of Emmys, too. | ||
| Fuck yeah, it did. | ||
| Here's another one. | ||
| Ready for this? | ||
| John Larroquette Show. | ||
| How long was that on? | ||
| I don't remember that show. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| A long time. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You don't hear about it? | ||
| Lenny Clark was on it. | ||
| Lenny Clark was on the set right down the... | ||
| like one sound stage over. | ||
| When I was on news radio, it was... | ||
| news radio was on one side. | ||
| Joey Lawrence was next to us. | ||
| And Joey Lawrence would sit in his car and he would open his doors up of his car. | ||
| It's a crazy car. | ||
| You know, he's super rich. | ||
| And he would crank his sound system with his songs playing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he would sit there and like fucking rock out to his songs. | ||
| The fucking kid was like 18, right? | ||
| The kid was 18 and he had a Ferrari or something ridiculous. | ||
| Big Mercedes. | ||
| I mean, he had a ton of cars. | ||
| I mean, he was unbelievably wealthy. | ||
| And he would play his music. | ||
| And Dave Foley took great amusement in this. | ||
| Dave Foley loved it. | ||
| He was like, the Lawrence boy is out there playing his music again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He would come in and he goes, he seems to quite like his own songs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they would go out there. | |
| And he would wave to him. | ||
| I mean, there he is. | ||
| Nothing my love can't fix. | ||
| He was Bieber before Bieber. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, he was beautiful. | ||
| All his clothes are way too big. | ||
| He was beautiful. | ||
| Look at that hair, man. | ||
| I didn't have hair like that when I had hair. | ||
| When I had all my hair, like I had lost a piece of hair, I didn't have hair like that. | ||
| But he would play this in his thing right next to it. | ||
| So right next to him was Greg Giraldo. | ||
| Greg Giraldo's show was... | ||
| I might be fucking up the timeline here. | ||
| I think Giraldo might have been first season. | ||
| Joey Lawrence might have been second season. | ||
| But Giraldo's show was on there as well. | ||
| And then right over here was the John Larroquette show with Lenny Clark. | ||
| And we're all on the same feed. | ||
| So we could watch them rehearse. | ||
| So we could watch like... | ||
| And I would watch their rehearsals and Larroquette was such a dick. | ||
| He would yell at all the other actors. | ||
| You kind of could see that. | ||
| Oh my god, he was a dick. | ||
| I used to watch him yell at Lenny. | ||
| And Lenny is a big fucking guy. | ||
| And Lenny is a guy who's been in a lot of fights. | ||
| He's done his share of below, and he will punch you in your fucking face. | ||
| But he didn't. | ||
| Because he was on this show with this guy, and he's like, Hey, tell him! | ||
| I tell him, John, fucking relax! | ||
| You're on TV! Why are you so fucking stressed? | ||
| You know? | ||
| But I would watch him yell at the cast or throw his fucking script and get all pissed off. | ||
| And that happens on sets. | ||
| People get all fucking tense. | ||
| They work together all the time. | ||
| So much stress involved. | ||
| And sometimes people blow off at each other. | ||
| Well, and you're getting paid so much money that you start to internalize that what you're doing is actually that important. | ||
| Like, the money really shouldn't be that high for what you're doing. | ||
| No. | ||
| And so you start to feel like you really should be giving more and it should be better. | ||
| And it's still a sitcom. | ||
| It's not supposed to be any better. | ||
| Well, it's also... | ||
| It was the John Larroquette show. | ||
| So it's his show. | ||
| It had his name on it. | ||
| And he was on what? | ||
| Was it Night Court before that? | ||
| This is after Night Court, right? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| How many seasons did that go, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I would say only three because I barely remember this being on. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Don't say only three. | ||
| Google it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But then Night Court was a decade, I bet. | |
| It went to syndication. | ||
| I would guarantee it did at least four. | ||
| And Night Court, he had the kind of gig where he just showed up, nailed a couple scenes and went home for ten years. | ||
| Yeah, but it's one of those shows that was on TV when news radio was on. | ||
| It was like a big show, and no one talks about it. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| How many seasons? | ||
| Four. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It went from 93 to 96. Yep, so four seasons. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Probably did 100 episodes. | ||
| Yep, I think that's what they did, and then they got out. | ||
| Banged out 25 a year. | ||
| Well, I think, isn't the magic number 100? | ||
| That's when they can syndicate? | ||
| That's why news radio never really got to 100. That was like, our joke is that we never quite made it. | ||
| You didn't get to 100? | ||
| No, we got to 98. Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| But it's syndicated anyway. | ||
| They didn't need a hundred to syndicate, but it was an inside joke with us. | ||
| That's us. | ||
| We never quite made it. | ||
| News Radio became famous after it was off the air. | ||
| That's when it really became famous. | ||
| It became famous when Phil died, but before Phil died, it wasn't a hit show. | ||
| We moved around nine times. | ||
| That's a real number. | ||
| Your time slot? | ||
| Nine times over five years. | ||
| And this is pre-internet. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| You guys were all over the place. | ||
| No one knew where it was. | ||
| Did you get any bad ones like Friday night? | ||
| We got terrible ones. | ||
| I don't remember where it was. | ||
| I remember there was Monday for a while, and there was Tuesday, and I think Sunday. | ||
| But we never got Thursday. | ||
| Thursday was like the big night. | ||
| We were on Thursday once. | ||
| We were like number two. | ||
| And it was like friends and then us. | ||
| And we were like, oh my god, this could happen every week. | ||
| But it never happened again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The time slot that you're in is so important. | ||
| Time slot's everything. | ||
| And there was a lot of shows that would be like Friends, Seinfeld, and that show would be in the middle. | ||
| And they would call it the Shit Sandwich Spot. | ||
| That's what Paul Simms used to call it because it's like these amazing shows, and then in between these amazing shows would be like Sex and the City. | ||
| Different roles. | ||
| Jonathan Silverman had that show, the single guy. | ||
| And those shows would be unwatchable, but they would be sandwiched in between genius shows. | ||
| And so everybody would watch them. | ||
| So everybody wanted those slots. | ||
| Well, I think they launched Third Rock in that spot, too, didn't they? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't remember. | |
| I think they might have launched it there and then take... | ||
| Because that's their goal is that's where they plant the seed, they let it grow, and then they transplant it hopefully to a Tuesday or a Wednesday where that becomes an anchor for other shows. | ||
| And they can do that now way better because people can alert people that the time slots changed. | ||
| But back then, no one knew what the fuck was going on. | ||
| Unless you had TV Guide, you didn't know when the time slot was... | ||
| So we'd move slots. | ||
| Also, you're taking advantage of the lead-in. | ||
| Thursday night was must-see TV. People put it on at 8 o'clock and they turned it off at 10 o'clock. | ||
| Yeah, and it was a tradition for some strange reason, like a Thursday night tradition. | ||
| Mostly because there was great shows like Seinfeld and I think Cheers was a Thursday night show too originally, right? | ||
| So it's always been traditionally their spot. | ||
| There's a great book Warren Littlefield wrote called Top of the Rock that's the history of Thursday Night Must See TV. It talks about just, I mean, you realize how random things happen, like the casting of Friends could have gone eight different ways. | ||
| Literally, you know how it is. | ||
| People test for a show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So you've got three or four actors going in for a role in one day, and the fact that they picked Jennifer Aniston, the fact that they nailed that cast. | ||
| I mean, I was never into the show. | ||
| I never got it. | ||
| But it is apparently a very perfect, balanced ensemble cast. | ||
| Yeah, they nailed it. | ||
| They nailed the casting. | ||
| There's no mistakes. | ||
| But the book tells you about how many ways things could have blown over contracts. | ||
| And guess what? | ||
| The reality is, if they did it differently, it probably still would have worked. | ||
| They would have found some other talented people. | ||
| It's not a matter of those are the only gems they could have found. | ||
| There's so many goddamn talented people that never get a chance. | ||
| That's the craziest thing about acting, is that you don't have, like, there's no recourse. | ||
| Like, if they don't choose you... | ||
| Tough shit. | ||
| There's nothing else. | ||
| It's like a comic, you're undeniable. | ||
| You go up at the improv and destroy, then someone who's got a sitcom deal goes on after it and sucks their own dick. | ||
| There's nothing anybody could say. | ||
| It's like you can't deny that Greg Fitzsimmons is funny. | ||
| You just saw it. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| He proved it. | ||
| But if you're an actor... | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Good fucking luck! | ||
| That's why they're so facetious. | ||
| That's why there's so much fakeness in the way they behave. | ||
| That's why there's so much anxiety in the actor community. | ||
| Like, their entire gig is dependent upon someone else's approval. | ||
| Yeah, when you meet sitcom actors, they're so positive. | ||
| And they so try to make a connection with you and be your friend. | ||
| And you always walk away going, wow, that's a really good guy. | ||
| And then you realize... | ||
| That motherfucker. | ||
| He's working it. | ||
| He's working it. | ||
| They have to work it. | ||
| If they don't work it, if there's any hint whatsoever that you might be difficult, they will move on to step two. | ||
| Who's the other guy? | ||
| Bring him in. | ||
| And the other guy comes in, give it to him. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| And casting is a weird thing. | ||
| And then once you make it, then they trust you. | ||
| I mean, you look at the people. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You know, you look at Kelsey Grammer or Julie Louise Dreyfuss. | ||
| Like, some people, they just go, put them back in. | ||
| Yeah, they can't fail. | ||
| It's just the writing's bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, Ray Romano was the original guy on my gig. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| News radio. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they fired him during the taping of the pilot. | ||
| They're like, this guy just doesn't connect with America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He leaves and goes off to do a giant, way more successful sitcom, Everybody Loves Raymond. | ||
| In the title, not only are you wrong in firing him, but in the title, it says Everybody Loves Raymond. | ||
| You didn't think that people liked him? | ||
| No, you're so wrong. | ||
| He was so good, he literally walked away from the job. | ||
| How often does that happen? | ||
| Where they go, we're only going to do 10, and I think they talked him into 11, and then they walked away, like, still with really strong ratings. | ||
| You mean seasons? | ||
| I think they did 10, and then they bought another one. | ||
| Wow, he did 11 seasons. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whew! | |
| Do you know how much money is involved in owning your own show and being on 11th? | ||
| And a show that, by the way, is still in the air. | ||
| Unlike Frasier or these other shows, you flip through the channels, you'll find everybody loves Raymond on all the time. | ||
| It's still a really good show. | ||
| Does he own it? | ||
| Does he have some ownership? | ||
| He has some ownership. | ||
| Without a doubt. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| I remember I had a development deal the same year he did when it was the Raymond deal. | ||
| And his was minuscule. | ||
| I remember almost thinking like, oh, that's so fucking weird. | ||
| That guy's so funny. | ||
| It was like a September development deal. | ||
| It was like the end of the season. | ||
| And he kind of crawled in. | ||
| And he'd been doing Letterman. | ||
| So it was a deal with Worldwide Pants. | ||
| And then they put him together with Phil Rosenthal. | ||
| And it struggled. | ||
| The show struggled. | ||
| No, I don't think he had enough juice to get ownership. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Eventually, I'm sure he did. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Eventually, I'm sure they renegotiated it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know he's insanely wealthy. | ||
| Nine seasons. | ||
| Well, when I was... | ||
| I'm good friends with Kevin James, and when I was on news radio, it was right when... | ||
| Ray and I didn't have any tension, because there was actually a guy in between us that got hired to do his gig, and then that guy got fired, and then I got it. | ||
| So it wasn't like I was taking over Ray's spot. | ||
| And Ray and I had always been friends. | ||
| And so we were eating at Jerry's Deli, and it was right when he got it, and I've never seen a guy more obsessed with getting things right. | ||
| Like, we're all sitting there eating dinner, or lunch, or whatever the fuck we're eating, and Ray would be like, um, what if a guy comes in, and he's like, he's going through all of his bits, like, going through the thing, like, he was obsessed. | ||
| His stand-up bits? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| The bits that were going to happen on a sitcom. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| He was going through the beats. | ||
| Is it better? | ||
| He had all these ideas and he was just throwing them around. | ||
| They couldn't stay in his head. | ||
| He was so obsessed with getting it right that it was all day, every day, it was on his mind. | ||
| I was working Catch a Rising Star in Princeton with Tom Caltabiano. | ||
| Tom Paris, he changed his name to, who's like his wingman, basically. | ||
| Caltabianco, right? | ||
| Caltabianco. | ||
| Yeah, isn't that how you say it? | ||
| Yeah, he's like a photographer. | ||
| He was a writer on Ray. | ||
| But anyway, he came down and Ray was... | ||
| Tom was opening for me and Ray was taking the train from New York to Princeton to keep working on the pilot with Tom. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah, he works hard, man. | ||
| He works hard. | ||
| Well, he's obsessive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a funny, funny, funny fucking guy. | ||
| I just played golf at this club that he belongs to and they told me like, Ray, yeah, a little obsessive out here. | ||
| Yeah, with golf? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Kevin, too. | ||
| Him and Kevin are fucking maniacs with golf. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Kevin plays golf good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I just saw last night his brother, he hurt his shoulder playing golf. | ||
| Did he? | ||
| Gary did? | ||
| Gary Valentine, yeah. | ||
| Just going crazy? | ||
| He hit a shot out of the rough. | ||
| It was thick rough, and I guess the club got caught, and he ripped his fucking shirt off. | ||
| Shoulder apart. | ||
| That can happen, huh? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I would imagine, you know, if you hit something really hard and all of a sudden it stops. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Shoulder's a tough one, man. | ||
| Shoulder has a, it's a weird joint. | ||
| Like, unlike a knee. | ||
| Like, a knee they can fix pretty good. | ||
| Because knees, it's fairly simple because it only hinges. | ||
| You know, it goes up and down. | ||
| But a shoulder has all this articulation and movement. | ||
| And you have to apply pressure in 360 degrees at any given time. | ||
| You're pushing up, back, forward. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had shoulder surgery a couple years ago. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Well, all the ligaments had worn out. | ||
| And, you know, where the clavicle comes together with it, there's three bones that come together right here. | ||
| And so they went in and they sawed. | ||
| They went in two spots arthroscopically. | ||
| They sawed down each of the three bones a little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And it creates space and then it causes tissue, what do you call it, scar tissue, which acts like a ligament. | ||
| And now my arm, fucking 100%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I couldn't even lift it. | ||
| I wore it out. | ||
| Did you tear it? | ||
| No, it was a life of throwing objects and being a boy. | ||
| Throwing things is a big one, man. | ||
| Shoulder surgery for football players, quarterbacks, and also for baseball players, that's super common, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There's something about throwing that's just a lot of stress on the body. | ||
| The good thing about boxing and those kind of workouts is, especially if you hit a bag, you're hitting something. | ||
| So even though there's resistance, at the end of it, you're hitting something. | ||
| So it's not like the snap of missing things and throwing things. | ||
| When you throw things, there's this extension. | ||
| You're extending and you're starting behind yourself. | ||
| Boxing, your hands are in front of you. | ||
| So you've got your body weight behind everything you're doing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when you hit something, like the workout, like if anybody wants a great workout, get a goddamn bag. | ||
| Get a heavy bag. | ||
| If you've got a garage or a basement or something where you can hang it or someplace that has a bag that you can work out at. | ||
| Man, just fucking set your phone down and time yourself for three minutes and just go hammer that fucker. | ||
| Even if you have shit technique, just keep hitting it. | ||
| Hit that fucker for three minutes. | ||
| You'd be amazed at how exhausted you are and then how good you feel after you feel so peaceful. | ||
| Right, I know. | ||
| And also, you can do it if you're married. | ||
| Just hit your wife. | ||
| No, Greg! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Craig! | |
| You ruined the whole show. | ||
| I mean, you need to marry a heavy girl. | ||
| If she's like a buck ten, it's one punch, your workout's over. | ||
| Yeah, you want like a 150 with a good chin. | ||
| Good stout chin. | ||
| Make some strong babies. | ||
| And some anger issues, so she pushes back. | ||
| This weekend, I got to drive a Dodge Challenger Hellcat. | ||
| That is going to be your next car. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You told me that you wanted to get a Challenger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You're lucky you didn't get the old Challengers because they're kind of shitboxes, but they've nailed it now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How big is the engine? | |
| Oh, nothing. | ||
| Just 707 horsepower. | ||
| Is that the biggest production engine out there? | ||
| The most powerful muscle car ever built. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Women will never understand this, Greg. | ||
| I knew that you were going to be here today, so I was happy while I was driving it that I'm going to get to talk to Greg about this. | ||
| What did it feel like? | ||
| This is Jay Leno driving it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's pretty good. | |
| Cut to way towards the end of this video. | ||
| That was the beginning of it. | ||
| Cut to way towards the end when he's driving it. | ||
| Because for the first 20 minutes, they just talk. | ||
| Did you punch it coming out of a turn? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do the wheels do? | ||
| We beat the shit out of this thing. | ||
| Sorry, Dodge SRT. Only in good ways. | ||
| We just stomped on the gas a lot. | ||
| It was just really fun, man. | ||
| It's unbelievable. | ||
| Oh, it's automatic? | ||
| That one is, but they sell on a stick, too. | ||
| You can buy it on a stick. | ||
| You want a stick. | ||
| That visibility looks better, too. | ||
| My problem with the Challenger was always the visibility. | ||
| It's kind of funky out of the passenger side when you're looking back. | ||
| That right corner is a little funky, but whatever. | ||
| How much does it start at? | ||
| It's not that much. | ||
| It's like for $60,000. | ||
| And I'm telling you, which is a lot of money, but for that car, for 707 horsepower... | ||
| The biggest price. | ||
| Production engine out there and you're getting it for less than... | ||
| It's so comfortable. | ||
| That's what's fucked up. | ||
| Like, these cars, like, they've figured out how to make the suspensions and the seats and everything, where it's like a Cadillac. | ||
| I swear to God, dude, you'll be blown away. | ||
| I didn't even put it, like, there's modes you could put it in. | ||
| You could put it in, like, track mode. | ||
| I didn't put it on track, but look how awesome that thing looks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is awesome. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Play that sound so you can hear it when he's doing that, because it sounds so fucking good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Package. | |
| Hellcat's the code name of the engine. | ||
| This is not even doing it justice because he's inside of it with the camera. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We like the name so much and it was so fitting for the car. | |
| Little bounce on the back end. | ||
| Dude, it's so smooth. | ||
| When you drive it, it's so comfortable. | ||
| Because it's huge. | ||
| It's 4,000 pounds. | ||
| It's not like a little car. | ||
| It's like way bigger than a Mustang. | ||
| Hybrid, don't dare you. | ||
| This is designed to ruin the earth, okay? | ||
| You're supposed to take part in ruining the earth with a smile on your face and a fucking glass of Chivas Regal in your hand, smoking a Dunhill, stomping on the gas. | ||
| And you can see the tsunami behind you as you outrun it. | ||
| Ah! | ||
| Knowing you caused it. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Who's that dude? | ||
| This is what it sounds like. | ||
| That's wind noise! | ||
| That's wind noise! | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Dude, listen to these things before you crank them to the roof. | ||
| That's just the wind. | ||
| That's because they put a camera on the outside. | ||
| Like a GoPro. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The wind noise is awful on those fucking things. | ||
| But the sound that it actually makes. | ||
| There's one video where it says Hellcat Challenger sound where it's just the exhaust. | ||
| It literally raises your testosterone. | ||
| I had this guy in Gadsod. | ||
| He's some super intelligent, sophisticated PhD-type character. | ||
| I forget what his degree is in, but he was talking about... | ||
| Oh, that's me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| That's a funny picture. | ||
| Sexy as fuck. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Love it. | ||
| That has been photoshopped on the underground on mixedmartialacts.com to the point of no return. | ||
| Oh, is that right? | ||
| Every possible... | ||
| Gee, I can't imagine what they would do to it. | ||
| Take another foot out. | ||
| Every possible gay scenario. | ||
| That is beautiful. | ||
| It's a beautiful car. | ||
| Car looks good. | ||
| My point is, find that Challenger sound. | ||
| It's just, the sound actually raises your testosterone. | ||
| Like, literally raises your testosterone, which is incredible. | ||
| My brother-in-law, he bought two kind of junked-up Dodge Challengers, 73 Dodge Challengers, and he's a motorhead, and he put them together and made this beautiful fucking car. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a growl, like, It's like a lion. | |
| Sounds so good, dude. | ||
| That's an American car that you can buy. | ||
| And I'm telling you, when you're driving it, you're like, this is so nice. | ||
| The inside of it is comfortable. | ||
| It's got all Alcantara, which is that artificial suede everywhere. | ||
| It feels good. | ||
| The dash is great. | ||
| It's a fucking incredible car. | ||
| I'm so happy that they finally started making real American muscle cars again. | ||
| Because for the longest time. | ||
| They tried for a while and they were just like, you guys are fucking missing it! | ||
| And then like five years ago, they just went back to the original plans. | ||
| That's all we wanted. | ||
| Big engine, lots of power, lots of sound. | ||
| And even the body shape. | ||
| They went back to the original. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| That's only one. | ||
| There's one with Eddie Bravo behind me and he's smacking me in the head. | ||
| It's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, it's so funny. | ||
| Oh, that's great. | ||
| I love those things. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| Fucking Photoshop's or something. | ||
| Back in the day, man, people would get really upset if other people made fun of him like that, but... | ||
| I don't get that. | ||
| I think it's funny. | ||
| People get mad. | ||
| Do they hate you? | ||
| Are they mad at you? | ||
| No, they're not mad at you. | ||
| They're making fun. | ||
| You can't be made fun of. | ||
| Does it change you as a person? | ||
| You don't think that's funny. | ||
| Kimbo Slice banging me over the side of a car. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, I just had, you know, French Stewart? | ||
| No. | ||
| He was from Third Rock from the Sun. | ||
| He was the kid. | ||
| He squinted a lot. | ||
| I never saw that show. | ||
| Anyway, he was heavily parodied. | ||
| He was telling me about, like, when he was at his top, like, SNL was parodying him, Jimmy Fallon, like, South Park guys. | ||
| Oh, that was the John Lithgow show, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| The Inception Kid. | ||
| And South Park would regularly ream him for being a horrible actor and all that. | ||
| And he's like, honestly, I fucking loved it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| He goes, it really made me feel like I had made it. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, American Dad nailed me once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No shit. | |
| When I was on Fear Factor. | ||
| Yeah, I pulled up drinking a beer in a car and I was looking for strippers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm pulled up in a car drinking. | ||
| And then I met Seth MacFarlane and I did his other show. | ||
| I did... | ||
| Cleveland show? | ||
| No. | ||
| American Dad. | ||
| No, the other one. | ||
| Family Guy. | ||
| I did Family Guy. | ||
| I played me on Family Guy. | ||
| I did my own voice on Family Guy once. | ||
| But it was funny. | ||
| He's a nice guy, man. | ||
| Seth MacFarlane's a very friendly, smiley guy. | ||
| You know who's cool as fuck? | ||
| Judd Apatow. | ||
| Judd Apatow was at the improv the other night. | ||
| He's just hanging out with us, like everybody else. | ||
| It was me and him and Delia and Jeffries. | ||
| Jim Jeffries. | ||
| We were hanging out over by the hallway, by where the bathroom is, because there's no fucking green room in the Hollywood Improv, which is the most ridiculous thing ever. | ||
| Delia was like, there's no green room. | ||
| Nobody thinks about the fact there's no green room. | ||
| I was like, yeah, if we were in Pittsburgh, we'd be like, fuck this place. | ||
| But because it's in town, we'll just accept the fact there's nowhere to stand in between shows. | ||
| But Judd Apatow was just hanging out with everybody else. | ||
| Yeah, he came on my podcast one time and then I went on about six months ago and I talked about how I thought Girls was a really bad show. | ||
| And I didn't realize that he created it. | ||
| And the truth is I'd only seen like five minutes of it. | ||
| But I just saw like, all I saw was hipsters and I was like, I fucking, I hate hipsters. | ||
| And so I just immediately judged the show and talked shit about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh no! | |
| So then somebody, of course, tweets out to me and Judd, hey Judd, how do you feel like Greg Fitzsimmons saying your show is... | ||
| And he said more that overstated what I said, like said it's a shit show. | ||
| And so then Judd replied to him, that's a lie. | ||
| Greg Fitzsimmons is, you know, a funny guy and he gets it and he's a friend and he would never say that. | ||
| So then I emailed him like, dude, I'm so sorry. | ||
| I honestly haven't even seen the show. | ||
| I didn't know you created it. | ||
| And he gave me like a giant free pass. | ||
| And so I went off and I watched it. | ||
| And honestly, not shitting you, I watched the first season and it's actually a really good show. | ||
| I don't like hipsters, but I jump the gun. | ||
| Yeah, I don't like hipsters either, but they're great fodder. | ||
| They're great fodder. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, if you were going to do a sitcom and you didn't have a hipster in it today, you're not thinking straight. | ||
| Right. | ||
| A hipster would be like one of the perfect people to fuck with. | ||
| Yeah, it's like the yuppies of the 80s. | ||
| Even better, because they take themselves way seriously. | ||
| And part of their shtick about being a hipster is you're too cool for everything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're too cool. | ||
| Oh, I'm over it. | ||
| I'm so over this. | ||
| I'm so over that. | ||
| You're not allowed to get excited about it. | ||
| And you have to keep moving on. | ||
| Nick Yusuf is not a hipster. | ||
| He's the ultimate hipster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who is? | |
| He's so crazy. | ||
| Nick Yusuf, when he was on the podcast, showed no hipster whatsoever. | ||
| He's a normal, cool dude who happens to be a comic. | ||
| You need to follow his Twitter because he has things where he shows you how to wash your jeans with toothbrushes and shit. | ||
| That doesn't make him a hipster. | ||
| How does that make him a hipster? | ||
| It makes him broke. | ||
| Maren bought these jeans where you don't ever wash them. | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're called jeans. | |
| I think those are hipster jeans. | ||
| No, there's no jeans where you don't ever wash them. | ||
| No, I swear to God. | ||
| Wash your jeans, you dirty bitch. | ||
| Nope, there's a certain type. | ||
| They're made of a material that's supposed to mold to your body so you never wash it. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| That's just someone's fiction. | ||
| No, he talks about it on his podcast. | ||
| Yeah, but the person who created those jeans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right, right, right. | |
| That's their fiction. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| No, it's clothes, you fucking dirty bitch. | ||
| If you're getting funky in clothes, what, do the clothes magically have little cleaning robots that run around inside your dick and clean out where you're farting into your fucking pants? | ||
| It's Levi's, though. | ||
| Levi jeans... | ||
| Oh, no, no, no. | ||
| See, they're saying not to wash your jeans. | ||
| That's what they're saying. | ||
| You don't have to wash them. | ||
| That's what they're saying. | ||
| That you wear it like a jacket. | ||
| No, you don't wash your jacket. | ||
| They're saying you don't have to wash your jeans. | ||
| I sweat, okay? | ||
| I sweat all the time. | ||
| Your undercarriage get a little steamy? | ||
| My legs, everything. | ||
| My body cools itself well. | ||
| I get shit done. | ||
| And my jeans get wet. | ||
| And I'm not wearing wet, smelly, ammonia, stinking jeans because my sweat's gone through them and then it's dried out and it's got this... | ||
| Faint whiff of funk. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| Once I fart in a pair of pants, they're going in the laundry. | ||
| It's over! | ||
| Especially if I have yogurt in the morning. | ||
| Levi says that you should just freeze your jeans instead of washing them. | ||
| Oh, to kill bacteria. | ||
| They're disgusting. | ||
| They're disgusting. | ||
| Do they not understand that we have washing machines now? | ||
| We're not living in the year fucking 1910 when you had to do that shit with a rock and a fucking flat board. | ||
| Remember those washboards? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The freezer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Honey, why does this turkey taste like someone's balls? | ||
| I do admit I don't wash my jeans as much as regular clothes, though. | ||
| I'd say maybe I'll wear them like ten times. | ||
| That's a lot, but I'm comfortable with wearing them for a weekend. | ||
| I'll wear the same jeans two days in a row. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| If I go on the road, if I don't feel like packing a lot of shit, I'll throw in one pair of jeans. | ||
| I'll throw in a backup pair, just in case the shit hits a fan, because my fucking bridge troll body doesn't fit in normal jeans. | ||
| I have to get specific jeans that fit me. | ||
| Yeah, I can't wear Levi's 501s. | ||
| What's too big? | ||
| Your legs? | ||
| My legs. | ||
| They won't go over past my knees. | ||
| I get above the knee and then it hits the troll part of me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Have you tried the sweatpants one or the stretchy jeans that look like jeans? | ||
| But that looks too sexy. | ||
| I'm trying too hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because you gotta think, my ass sticks out a lot and the thighs, so my dick will be much more smooshed in there. | ||
| I'll be trying to get everybody to look at my dick. | ||
| I wanna see that on the hood of a charger. | ||
| You wanna see that? | ||
| Bet you do. | ||
| I got into the... | ||
| I'm back to the original jeans, the fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Lightweight, faded, loose, relaxed, 80s jeans. | |
| These are luckies. | ||
| Luckies fit me. | ||
| Luckies for whatever reason. | ||
| Lucky jeans, they make them more... | ||
| No, they're loose. | ||
| Yeah, luckies are loo. | ||
| Yeah, more ape-like legs. | ||
| Luckies are loo? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I don't know what that means. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| As long as we won't, I don't know. | ||
| We look good. | ||
| That's a terrible fucking Photoshop. | ||
| Some people's Photoshop skills are just awful. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're awful. | |
| Everything's out of perspective. | ||
| There's three different people in there they use parts from. | ||
| Gotta learn how to manipulate images, kids. | ||
| That Challenger needs to be your car, Craig Fitzsimmons. | ||
| We're not getting any younger. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| Let me get back to that. | ||
| If you're not going to get that, get a Camaro. | ||
| They have the new ZL1 and Z28, these two new cars they have. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Standard, you get them with a manual, just like that. | ||
| That comes with a manual. | ||
| But they sound fucking fantastic, and they're ridiculously fast. | ||
| What about the Mustang GT? That's another good one. | ||
| That's the one. | ||
| If I'm going to get one, I'm getting that. | ||
| How cheap is it? | ||
| Well, the new Mustang GT, it's like $35,000. | ||
| And it's fucking 420 horsepower. | ||
| Trading that Prius right now. | ||
| The ones that, if you got a, they don't have the 2015s out yet, but if you got a 2014, the 2014s is a fucking great car. | ||
| It's a great car. | ||
| It's loud as shit, and you could probably get a really good deal of them. | ||
| They have 400 plus horsepower. | ||
| They have that Coyote engine. | ||
| It's a fucking five liter... | ||
| Is that the GT or is that just the baseline one? | ||
| A GT. It's not expensive. | ||
| As far as what you get, bang for your buck, you can't do any better than the Mustang GT. It's a goddamn fast car. | ||
| The old cars, like in the 1970s, like when a Challenger came out, like the 1970 Challenger, 1970, 71, those cars were ridiculous. | ||
| It was 440 horsepower. | ||
| No one had seen anything like that with death-defying fucking brakes. | ||
| The brakes were retarded. | ||
| They were awful. | ||
| Drum brakes in the rear. | ||
| You stomped on the gas. | ||
| The whole car went sideways. | ||
| No traction control. | ||
| No nothing. | ||
| Just a regular base Mustang GT will bury that car. | ||
| Bury it. | ||
| And be able to corner. | ||
| And have anti-lock brakes. | ||
| Be able to corner. | ||
| And then they have the other one, like the Laguna Seca Mustang. | ||
| Dude, it's a great fucking car. | ||
| The Laguna Seca Mustang, they have the 302 Boss, which is a really good version of the Mustang as well. | ||
| It's like 420-ish, somewhere around horsepower. | ||
| And it's a great handling car. | ||
| And then they took it to the next level with this Laguna Seca Mustang. | ||
| It's like $40,000. | ||
| $40,000, it beats an M3 around a fucking racetrack. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's chintzy inside a little bit. | ||
| There's plastic shit here and plastic shit there, but seats feel good, sounds great, massive balls. | ||
| As far as a car, be honest with that. | ||
| What are you driving that car for? | ||
| You're driving that car for the fun of it. | ||
| That's the fun. | ||
| To hear the rumble in the engine, to feel the acceleration when you stomp on the gas, to shift your gears, have a good time. | ||
| What do you give a fuck what it looks like? | ||
| You know, that's not what this car's about. | ||
| No, I'm not about the valet parking. | ||
| I'm about the 405 at 2 in the morning when it's why I'm coming back from the ice house and it's fucking late. | ||
| Going up Laurel Canyon on the way to the improv. | ||
| Coming over down to Melrose. | ||
| You can have fun! | ||
| Pulling up to a red light in Beverly Hills and there's some young Asian boy in the next car and you eyeball him. | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Why does he have to be Asian? | ||
| Why can't he be a black guy? | ||
| Pull up that Laguna Seca Mustang. | ||
| I don't think they're making this anymore. | ||
| You can probably still find some of them that are on lots that they haven't sold yet. | ||
| What about the Shelby? | ||
| Oh, that's a ridiculous car. | ||
| I had one of those. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| I had a GT500. That's right. | ||
| Convertible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow, that looks sweet. | |
| The problem with the convertible, though, is it feels like you could die. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| At any moment, there's nothing above your head. | ||
| Look at that car. | ||
| That car is, I believe, somewhere around 420 horsepower and unbelievably fast around the track. | ||
| That's the Laguna? | ||
| Yeah, and it's like 40 grand. | ||
| And those wheels are standard with it? | ||
| Yeah, that's what it looks like. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a fun fucking car, man. | ||
| I could be a man again. | ||
| You could be a man again, Gregory. | ||
| I remember what it was like. | ||
| I had hair. | ||
| But it's fun. | ||
| You don't need the hair. | ||
| No. | ||
| It's not coming back. | ||
| You don't need the hair. | ||
| Shave the rest of it. | ||
| Be a light bulb. | ||
| But be a light bulb and a fucking fun car to enjoy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Maybe you could take to wearing crazy sunglasses like Elton John did. | ||
| Or maybe I wear the wigs like... | ||
| Phil Spector? | ||
| Like Phil Spector. | ||
| Imagine if we started doing that, you and I just started wearing wigs at all of our shows and never addressing it. | ||
| Never address it. | ||
| No, never. | ||
| No jokes about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nope. | |
| People ask questions, you act like there's nothing weird. | ||
| I don't know what you're saying. | ||
| Just everywhere you go, it's like every day it's different. | ||
| Not only that, sometimes we'll wear bald caps with hair on the sides like Bozo the Clown. | ||
| Mohawks one day. | ||
| Sometimes it's an afro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Never bring it up. | ||
| Trade them out with each other. | ||
| Sometimes it's like Farrah Fawcett. | ||
| Like Farrah Fawcett in the 70s. | ||
| You got little curls and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Mullets. | ||
| Mullets. | ||
| All kinds. | ||
| Wigs just never work for guys. | ||
| I used to date a chick who had a shaved head. | ||
| She shaved her head a long time ago. | ||
| It was like early 90s. | ||
| She shaved her head and wore wigs. | ||
| She was from another country. | ||
| She was a singer. | ||
| She was just very eccentric. | ||
| But she would fucking rock a different wig. | ||
| Sometimes she would show up at the comedy store and I wouldn't even know it was her. | ||
| I was like, oh hey! | ||
| This is when I first moved to LA so I didn't really know how wacky people got. | ||
| I hadn't been around that many wacky folks. | ||
| This chick was someone who came to Hollywood with the sincere purpose of becoming even wackier. | ||
| And famous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Didn't work out. | ||
| She's a talented chick, but crazy. | ||
| She wore wigs. | ||
| There's the... | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's Eddie Bravo spanking me. | |
| I can't tell if he's hitting me in the head or the ass. | ||
| You look like Bruce Willis. | ||
| I think he's getting both, the ass and the head. | ||
| Crack, crack. | ||
| Crack, crack. | ||
| The UG. That's the underground. | ||
| Yeah, people wore wigs. | ||
| I mean, you think about like the Borscht Belt comics, you know, like Freddie Roman and these guys. | ||
| They slap that little glue, slap that shit on, head to the gig, throw on the tuxedo. | ||
| Put on a nice-ass piece. | ||
| And then during the day, nothing. | ||
| They're working out, bald-headed. | ||
| They didn't work out. | ||
| No, at the fryer, some of these guys worked out because they had heart attacks. | ||
| Yeah, they had a Stairmaster. | ||
| I think it had an ashtray on the side of it. | ||
| But you're talking about late in their life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I'm talking about when they were touring the Catskills. | ||
| There was no working out, but they wore wigs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| For wigs. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Nice little glue around the top, right around the hairline there. | ||
| Imagine what a pain in the ass that would be. | ||
| Did you see the photos of Mickey Rourke with a wig? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh my god, it's so hilarious. | ||
| Mickey Rourke wears a hairpiece now, and it's the most ridiculous hairpiece of all time, and he was wearing it in New York, and they got these photos of him. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| It's almost like, is he being silly? | ||
| Is he trolling? | ||
| But then you see him when he was on the Jimmy Kimmel show, he had the hairpiece quaffed, and it looked pretty good. | ||
| But it's... | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| He's like 60-something years old. | ||
| Just shave your fucking head, man. | ||
| It would be funny to do a one-hour special. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| Look at his head. | ||
| Oh, dear God. | ||
| Dear God. | ||
| It looks like a shower cap. | ||
| Yeah, and this is not even the worst photo. | ||
| There's even worse photos of it. | ||
| Dreaded. | ||
| It doesn't make any... | ||
| Because it's coming out of nowhere. | ||
| It's a wig. | ||
| And it doesn't match the hair that's underneath. | ||
| Well, it's always the side hair by their ears. | ||
| When you see little flimsy side hair by their ear, but then the top is this fucking lush mane, it doesn't make any sense. | ||
| I think for my next one hour special, I'm going to shave my head and get a silly wig and just wear it. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Why not? | ||
| How about a big red one? | ||
| Like a big carrot top style? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Is that a different wig? | ||
| That's a different one. | ||
| I think he's having fun. | ||
| Look at the guy in the right hand corner. | ||
| He's jealous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like Mel Gibson. | |
| I wish I had that wig. | ||
| That wig is beautiful, Mickey. | ||
| Let me tell you. | ||
| Mickey, God is my witness. | ||
| That wig looks so real. | ||
| That is so realistic. | ||
| No one knows. | ||
| If they tell you they know, they're fucking assholes. | ||
| Did you go to Irving in the Bronx? | ||
| Where did you get that piece? | ||
| My piece, I look like there's a skunk asleep on my head. | ||
| But there's other ones of the gray one. | ||
| That's the brown one. | ||
| He's got a gray one. | ||
| The gray one's the most ridiculous. | ||
| It's like, wait a minute, what's going on here? | ||
| How did you get all that gray hair? | ||
| Like, look at it. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| Plus, he's had work on his face, right? | ||
| His forehead got pumped up. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| It looks better now than it looked in the past, quite honestly. | ||
| He used to have chin or cheek implants. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when the fighter, you really saw it. | ||
| Oh yeah? | ||
| Yeah, his face was kind of fucked up. | ||
| Is that the movie with... | ||
| When he was a professional wrestler? | ||
| Like past his prime? | ||
| Oh, The Wrestler. | ||
| The Wrestler. | ||
| The Fighter was the Marky Mark movie. | ||
| Yeah, but that... | ||
| He actually... | ||
| His face looks at least like a normal older guy now. | ||
| There was one point in time where he had these crazy cheek implants put in his face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| His whole face was just puffy. | ||
| It looked like he got stung by bees. | ||
| Yeah, see if you can find those pictures. | ||
| Mickey Rourke cheek implants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How many people watch this as they're listening to the podcast? | ||
| Less. | ||
| Way less. | ||
| Like, it's 90% of them just listen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| But a lot of times folks will say something like this, they'll write it down, and then they'll tweet me or something later, like, what the fuck? | ||
| I just saw Mickey Royce's hair. | ||
| Thanks a lot, Dick. | ||
| Now I can't sleep. | ||
| But... | ||
| I hear you guys talking about it, and I had a look. | ||
| That's something that happens to a lot of those people. | ||
| They're separated from rational thinking. | ||
| They get this body dysmorphia thing going on. | ||
| There's been pictures of him. | ||
| That's post-face... | ||
| Stretching. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| But there's ones, like that one that you just crossed over, Brian, the one with the red shirt, a little lower than that, that's, yeah, right there. | ||
| That looks like he's got the cheek implants in place. | ||
| Look how good looking he was when he was young. | ||
| You remember that? | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Pope of Greenwich Village? | ||
| Diner. | ||
| That was like nine and a half weeks ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, man. | |
| Yeah, you can't. | ||
| But that thing that happens when you pull your face back like that, you can't do that. | ||
| That's not better. | ||
| That's not better. | ||
| That's horrible. | ||
| Because everyone knows you did it. | ||
| You look like a burn victim. | ||
| You look weird. | ||
| You're shiny. | ||
| Your face is all stretched out. | ||
| And it shows that you care way too much. | ||
| It's not getting better. | ||
| It's just getting different. | ||
| It's like you're screaming, I can't handle that I'm getting older. | ||
| I'm panicking. | ||
| Like, there's some shit that you could do that actually does make you look better. | ||
| Like, I guess if you have a ridiculous nose and you get that bitch trimmed down and you're happy with it, good for you. | ||
| But that's a slippery slope, man. | ||
| You don't see big noses like you used to. | ||
| Very rare. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Nobody keeps them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They vanish. | |
| Especially for gals. | ||
| A lot of 17th birthday presents. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| When I was in high school, a girl did it, changed her fucking look so radically, but she kind of overdid it. | ||
| The poor girl was a beautiful girl with a crazy nose, and she got her crazy nose trimmed down, and she looked beautiful, but the nose had that ski slope thing going on. | ||
| And that little smashed front, there's a little bit of a flat part in the middle of it. | ||
| They went too hard. | ||
| They needed to just leave on just a millimeter more. | ||
| Let it be a little bit big. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| Nothing wrong with that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It matched her face better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it was like obvious that something was going on. | ||
| Like if you're looking at her face, you couldn't help but notice that something went on with her nose. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then a lot of times those things collapse. | ||
| Like they don't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is that right? | |
| And they have to build them back up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| And when they do that, then you can run into complications. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Sometimes they have to use a piece of your cartilage from your rib to recreate the cartilage inside your nose. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| God, I wonder how many nose jobs. | ||
| You could find out there's got to be a number of nose jobs that are performed every year, and you could figure out what percentage of the population. | ||
| That's Bruce Jenner before he became a woman, though. | ||
| He's different now. | ||
| He grew up in my town, Bruce Jenner, Towery Town, New York. | ||
| He's got long nails now, long manicured nails. | ||
| No, there was some talk about him being pre-op that he might go for it. | ||
| It looks like he's going for it. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| I mean, I don't like to gossip. | ||
| Yes, I do. | ||
| I don't like to gossip too much about someone that looks like they're troubled, but he looks like he's troubled. | ||
| It doesn't look like he's going for a look. | ||
| It looks like something's going on. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| He's living with the Kardashians. | ||
| That's obviously terrible for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's got to be toxic. | ||
| I'd rather live in Chernobyl than live... | ||
| In that house and try to keep my sanity. | ||
| With cameras on. | ||
| So you can't even be bitchy to them. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think if I lived in Chernobyl, I could wear some sort of suit that would protect me. | ||
| There's not a suit that protects you from dopes. | ||
| Like, if you're in the house with those dummies. | ||
| Your skin would look better, too, if you lived in Chernobyl than his does. | ||
| But not only that, the strategy of just constantly seeking attention. | ||
| Like, there's, like, okay, that's weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Wow! | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Is that photoshopped? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| No. | ||
| That's not just a guy who's kind of out of shape, who's older. | ||
| No, that's weird. | ||
| And there's another one recently where it shows his nails. | ||
| It shows he has long nails. | ||
| Also, no matter what you started with, once you've gotten the third facial surgery, it all ends at Michael Jackson. | ||
| It can. | ||
| He looks like Michael Jackson in that picture. | ||
| Well, body dysmorphia is real shit, man. | ||
| It's real shit. | ||
| There's his nails. | ||
| It's not that long, though. | ||
| Mine's about that long sometimes. | ||
| No, they're not. | ||
| Please. | ||
| Unless you're a pink. | ||
| No, I've seen them longer than that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Either way, the guy looks like he's troubled. | ||
| There's a guy, you know, you think about famous people that are kind of enigmas. | ||
| Like, he didn't do anything except the 76 Olympics. | ||
| He won the decathlon. | ||
| He is a, you know, before the Kardashians, people in America knew Bruce Jenner. | ||
| He The only thing you did was a Wheaties box and the decathlon. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That was fucking 40 years ago. | ||
| It is crazy. | ||
| Yeah, when you put it that way, yeah, you're right. | ||
| And then you got people that, like John Larroquette, he could walk into a fucking mall and nobody would know who the dude was. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| But the only reason why he's still famous is because of the Kardashians. | ||
| That's a fact. | ||
| But prior to that, he was in the national consciousness. | ||
| People who knew who Bruce Jenner was. | ||
| Maybe as a subject, maybe as a name, but not as someone you recognize. | ||
| I don't think you would recognize him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think his resurgence is entirely based on living with all these attention whores. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's all about that. | ||
| The 70s had those kind of stars. | ||
| You had Evel Knievel, who, you know, there had never been a stuntman before. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| He was the first, he was like, you know, what Bob Marley is to reggae, like, he's the only reggae guy anybody ever gave a fuck about or ever will. | ||
| Jimmy Cliff. | ||
| Yeah, he was in the band, though. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| But basically, now you got Jackass and all those guys. | ||
| So that's the first time there's been stunt people since. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then you had, you know, certain comics that were famous from the 70s that were just weird. | ||
| Like, what's his name? | ||
| Tiptoe Through the Tiny Tim was famous as shit stuff. | ||
| Still famous. | ||
| People still know who Tiny Tim is. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| But that was Letterman, right? | ||
| Was it? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think being on the Letterman show. | ||
| I think they got married on the Letterman show, didn't they? | ||
| Like in Vegas, him and whatever her name was. | ||
| Miss something. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Interesting, man. | ||
| It's weird how fame, you can't predict who's going to last with fame. | ||
| You know, like, of the Charlie's Angels, you didn't know Farrah was going to, I guess you kind of knew Farrah was going to be the one. | ||
| Yeah, but you thought the other ones would be pretty big, too. | ||
| Yeah, Jacqueline Smith. | ||
| I mean, all she did was hair shampoo commercials for the rest of her life. | ||
| She was on as fuck. | ||
| Hot as fuck. | ||
| My kid is watching Charlie's Angels reruns right now. | ||
| I watched one yesterday. | ||
| Try pulling yourself away. | ||
| I could stare at those chicks all fucking day. | ||
| But it's also weird that you're... | ||
| It's kind of like... | ||
| When you watch a show like that, it's not just that, oh, you know, Jacqueline Smith's pretty. | ||
| But it's also like... | ||
| This is a time capsule. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like this is, they've captured this stuff that went on in the 1970s and you can watch it again. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's weird, man. | ||
| That's a weird feeling. | ||
| And their outfits, I mean, talk about the bootleg jeans. | ||
| They were wearing the 70s, they encapsulated 70s fashion. | ||
| Yeah, no shit, man. | ||
| You know, like denim vests and the feathered hair. | ||
| And they probably, in a big part, were one of the reasons why it became so popular, right? | ||
| Why the fashion did? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, I'm sure. | ||
| Like, you see it on those shows. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| Like, I guarantee you that Dukes of Hazzard probably influenced a lot of idiots to wear cowboy boots. | ||
| Daisy Dukes. | ||
| Oh, Daisy Dukes. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Without a doubt, right? | ||
| They launched that. | ||
| Dude, she might have been the hottest chick ever on TV. Ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chrissy. | |
| Who, Chrissy from fucking Three's Company? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Daisy Duke? | ||
| No. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Oh, I would take Chrissy over at Daisy Duke. | ||
| Because you're broken. | ||
| Because your insides are rotting. | ||
| You have to go to a doctor. | ||
| I keep telling you. | ||
| Go to a doctor. | ||
| Chrissy's hot, but she's not as hot as Daisy Duke. | ||
| You know who's pretty hot, even though she's older. | ||
| She's older, so you can't compare them. | ||
| Don't you go for an old pic of Catherine Bach, you fuck. | ||
| I know what you're going to do. | ||
| But, um, the chick from Modern Family? | ||
| The Latino woman? | ||
| Oh, she's ridiculously hot. | ||
| She's hot. | ||
| Older? | ||
| Dude, I'll take it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's only 40. I mean, but she looks like she's 30. And her tits still look like, I don't know, you can't fake it. | ||
| They have to just, it's something about cleavage. | ||
| You can push it up, but she doesn't push it up where it's straining. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| There's a little bit of balance. | ||
| A little bit of bounce. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A little bit of bounce. | |
| A little jiggle. | ||
| But yet there's pie. | ||
| They're pie shaped. | ||
| They're perfectly round. | ||
| She's stupid hot. | ||
| Tan. | ||
| And that accent puts it right over the top. | ||
| She's stupid hot. | ||
| And there's this element of knowing that this is not going to last. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like what you are is you're looking at a flower that's been cut and you're putting it in the vase and there's just like something even extra beautiful about the fact that it's not even attached to the root anymore. | ||
| You've got a day to look at it like this. | ||
| Right. | ||
| This is it. | ||
| Tomorrow's going to be wilted. | ||
| The day after that, you're going to want to throw it out. | ||
| But right now... | ||
| She's the Hunter Thomas of hot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Thompson. | ||
| What did I say? | ||
| Thomas. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You know, both of them are hot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But Daisy Duke's dirtier. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Chrissy's bending over like, fuck me in the asshole. | ||
| But I'll tell you what, who's done a better job of keeping it together? | ||
| Well, both of them kind of failed. | ||
| Oh, no! | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| She did the exercise videos. | ||
| She kept it tight. | ||
| For a little bit. | ||
| Jacqueline Smith still doing his shampoo commercials. | ||
| That's not Jacqueline Smith, though. | ||
| That's Daisy Duke. | ||
| That's Catherine Bach. | ||
| God, she's hot. | ||
| Nobody worked out, though. | ||
| By the way, Farrah's nipples were permanently erect on that show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| They probably iced him up before every scene. | ||
| I bet they did. | ||
| I bet they did. | ||
| Because guys would get, like, pumped up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Guys would do, like, push-ups and stuff before scenes to pump up their muscles. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I guarantee they did that. | ||
| Yeah, they went for it. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was everything. | ||
| That was what you were selling. | ||
| If you were selling cars, would you leave them dirty or would you polish them? | ||
| You gotta polish the car. | ||
| You gotta polish the car. | ||
| You're selling cars. | ||
| You're selling tits. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Get that ice cube out, honey. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Turn the headlights on. | ||
| This is how we sell. | ||
| They're not watching it for the story. | ||
| Nobody's watching it for the story. | ||
| When she died, man, that was one of those things where it's like, wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Farrah Fawcett's dead. | ||
| That was just hard to wrap my head around. | ||
| Because when I was a kid, she was it. | ||
| Everybody had a Farrah Fawcett poster on their wall. | ||
| Every girl did. | ||
| And it was that one poster of her smiling and she had the feathered hair and everything like that. | ||
| She influenced a whole generation to wear that hair. | ||
| It's got to be the quintessential poster in America of all time. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| One of the most famous posters ever. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| Unreal. | ||
| And the nipple. | ||
| You can't see. | ||
| That's not high def, so you can't see the nipple, but the nipple is very proudly displayed in that poster. | ||
| Yeah, many of the photos had the nipple rocking. | ||
| She was so pretty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was like one of the first television bombshell types, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I mean... | ||
| My favorite was... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I take it back. | ||
| My favorite was Wonder Woman. | ||
| Old Wonder Woman. | ||
| Oh, Linda Carter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dude. | ||
| Linda Carter's tough to look at now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is she? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Not that she looks ugly. | ||
| Linda Carter was insane. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Kapowza! | ||
|
unidentified
|
There it is. | |
| Wowza! | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Look at that nibble. | ||
| Yeah, Linda Carter. | ||
| I mean, she doesn't look terrible, but she's an older woman now. | ||
| It's just when you remember how beautiful she was when she was Wonder Woman. | ||
| I wish they would die. | ||
| No! | ||
| I don't want to see what they're doing. | ||
| It ruins it. | ||
| You know what's fucked, though, man? | ||
| It's weird when you go back and watch Batman or any of those old school superheroes. | ||
| No one worked out. | ||
| No. | ||
| No one worked out. | ||
| Adam West had a belly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You look at Catherine Bach there. | ||
| She didn't work out. | ||
| Look at her legs. | ||
| It felt like all mushy and shit. | ||
| Everybody was all mushy and sloppy. | ||
| They were good for a couple decades. | ||
| John Wayne. | ||
| Look at that guy. | ||
| Beer belly and shit. | ||
| Shitting me? | ||
| With little skinny arms? | ||
| One to one. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at that butt. | ||
| Look at the gap. | ||
| Look at the vaginal gap. | ||
| Look at the legs. | ||
| The size of her thighs. | ||
| Dude, her fucking body. | ||
| That is an alpha. | ||
| She was an athlete. | ||
| She was an Olympic athlete, I believe. | ||
| Oh my god, she was hot. | ||
| What a face, those eyes. | ||
| Let's all agree, she's the hottest. | ||
| She is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I think she is the hottest. | |
| Linda Carter was the hottest. | ||
| That's a booty. | ||
| Oh, wait a minute, we're forgetting a major contender. | ||
| Who? | ||
| Barbara Eden, I Dream of Jeannie. | ||
| She wins. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| She wins. | ||
| She wins. | ||
| And she's subservient. | ||
| She'll do what you want. | ||
| She was beautiful. | ||
| She was beautiful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, there was a comic on Long Island that fucked her. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Late in life, though, right? | ||
| Late in life, but she was still hot. | ||
| But he can say he did it. | ||
| She was still hot, apparently. | ||
| Doesn't matter how old she was. | ||
| But she would, like, you know, fucking find a guy, pick him out, and go, come on. | ||
| Let's do this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, she knew she could. | ||
| You know, she was goddamn Barbara Eaton. | ||
| I know somebody who had sex with Farrah late in life. | ||
| I should say allegedly. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I know somebody who allegedly had... | ||
| No, I know somebody who definitely had sex with Farrah late in life. | ||
| Real late. | ||
| Hospital vet? | ||
| Like... | ||
| Actually, I should say Wonder Woman. | ||
| I don't think I like this girl as much. | ||
| That's a horrible pose. | ||
| Yeah, let's find another one. | ||
| Let's find another one. | ||
| Because Wonder Woman, you could find a bad one, too, I'm sure. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| But you found a good one. | ||
| You know who also turned me on, but she wasn't, like, a few years before she died? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Who was not bombshell hot, but stole my heart, was Valerie Bertinelli. | ||
| One day at a time. | ||
| I can't talk to you anymore. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, you've become a different person to me now. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| I don't trust your judgment. | ||
| Just like that? | ||
| I mean, because you did a moment ago. | ||
| Now I'm like, Greg's drunk. | ||
| Look at that back fat. | ||
| Come on, she married Eddie Van Halen. | ||
| How bad could she be? | ||
| That little tiny amount of back fat is like, ew. | ||
| Ew, she's not perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ew. | |
| She's no Wonder Woman. | ||
| She didn't even work out, man. | ||
| They didn't work out back then. | ||
| There's got to be a better picture of her. | ||
| But Wonder Woman, I'm sure, had a little bit of... | ||
| I don't mind a little bit of body fat. | ||
| I think it's hot. | ||
| I like women to have a little softness to them. | ||
| I love Kim Kardashian! | ||
| I mean, I don't like her person or her soul, but I love that body type. | ||
| Yeah, her body's fantastic. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whether her ass is fat or real, or is real fat, whatever it is. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, if you don't get excited about that, your dick's not working right. | ||
| No, you're a closeted homosexual if that's not working for you. | ||
| Oh, your dick's just sad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| His dick doesn't want full pleasure. | ||
| Your dick's like, no, I just want a skinny girl who cuts me with her hips. | ||
| Like a guy who buys a Prius when he wants a Mustang? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| Get a Mustang. | ||
| Or get this Challenger. | ||
| Now, if I'm going to do it, it's going to be the Mustang. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why is that? | |
| Because I had a fetish for Mustangs as a kid. | ||
| I still do. | ||
| And the fact that it's the 50th anniversary, it's pretty cool. | ||
| Well, the new one's going to have independent rear suspension, which is going to make a big difference in the way it handles. | ||
| That's the 2015s? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'll be out pretty soon. | ||
| I think they're out in the fall, which is basically right here. | ||
| God, she was so hot. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| Oh, she was so hot. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah, Linda Carter might have been the hottest woman of all time. | ||
| She might win. | ||
| She might win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Ooh, bitch is hot. | ||
| Oh, wait a minute. | ||
| What's that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| Who the fuck is that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Who is that? | ||
| Is that the one from Modern Family? | ||
| Modern Family Girl, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| She wins. | ||
| She wins now. | ||
| She wins. | ||
| Everybody wins. | ||
| There's women that are listening to this right now like, fuck you. | ||
| We talked about Jim Morrison being hot. | ||
| We talked about Joey Lawrence being hot. | ||
| Yeah, he was beautiful. | ||
| We did a lot for the ladies on this show. | ||
| Yeah, especially since we don't feel it. | ||
| We assume that he's hot. | ||
| I mean, I see how you would be attracted to him. | ||
| No, no, I totally felt your energy when he came on, so I understood that he was hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| What about Janet Jackson, early 90s? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Like Playboy cover, black and white? | ||
| I was never into that. | ||
| No. | ||
| I always found her to be so, like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Needy. | |
| A-racial. | ||
| I need a race. | ||
| Pick a race. | ||
| Well, I just... | ||
| When someone is like a pop superstar, when they're forcing them down your throat, they never seem sexy to me. | ||
| They always seem like, oh, here's this crazy person... | ||
| Right, like, what's her name? | ||
| Miley Cyrus. | ||
| Yeah, it's like, oh. | ||
| They want you to think she's hot now. | ||
| But you know who was? | ||
| Britney Spears was a child star and they forced her on and she was fucking hot. | ||
| Yeah, but she was hot in a way that, like, if I saw a bunch of peacocks and there was a female peacock that was an exceptional specimen, I was like, wow, that's a beautiful peacock. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like that. | ||
| It's like, to me, Hot, I mean, yes, physically, yeah, undeniable shape and all that, very beautiful, but... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| No energy. | ||
| Nothing's pulling me towards that. | ||
| Everything's pushing me away from that. | ||
| Yeah, because she's damaged. | ||
| That's madness. | ||
| That's craziness. | ||
| Like, that has to be part of the picture. | ||
| It has to be... | ||
| Who is the person? | ||
| Can you interact with the person? | ||
| It can't just be the way they look. | ||
| The way they look is great. | ||
| I mean, it's important. | ||
| It's something. | ||
| It gives you a charge. | ||
| But if you know that their personality is all out of whack, you're like, ugh, this is too nice. | ||
| But I want them a little out of whack. | ||
| The thing that attracted me as an insecure guy when I was single was a woman. | ||
| I saw the in. | ||
| I saw the dad left. | ||
| Or, you know, she's got, like, a unibrow. | ||
| I would find that one thing and I'd be like, I got a shot. | ||
| That would make me so much more attracted. | ||
| If a girl was perfect, I felt nothing. | ||
| And it wasn't even that I didn't think I could get her. | ||
| It just made me feel like... | ||
| Too much work. | ||
| Well, also, like, somebody who's a little fucked up, you're gonna fucking connect with them. | ||
| There's gonna be a charge between you because you both need something bad to complete yourself. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Yeah, I definitely felt that way. | ||
| Like, girls had, like, really good relationships with their family. | ||
| Like, meh. | ||
| Oh, I know! | ||
| Carol's like, you know, they want you to go hang out with their parents on the weekend. | ||
| Like, ugh, yeah, not really. | ||
| No. | ||
| Especially if you couldn't relate. | ||
| I want a girl who needs help finding her father. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| Nicki Minaj's new video. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you see that? | |
| Oh, this is the one that fucking Jamie keeps going on and on about. | ||
| He won't stop talking about it. | ||
| It's so much butt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it's like, there's parts where she's fingering herself in a video. | ||
| What a good kid. | ||
| I love that my kids see this shit. | ||
| Whoa, her ass is ridiculous. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're all ass. | ||
| Everybody's got ass. | ||
| If you look at Miley Cyrus' Twitter avatar, she put her own version of her album cover on it, and it looks like she has a great ass, too. | ||
| But that's an illusion. | ||
| They photoshopped the shit out of that. | ||
| That girl weighs 18 pounds. | ||
| She's a little stick figure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's very boy-like with her body. | ||
| When that thing came out in the video music awards and she danced around and rubbed up against that guy, you can see she's very guy-like. | ||
| Or skinny. | ||
| She's a skinny girl. | ||
| She's athletic. | ||
| It's not supple. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That girl is just a fuckhouse. | ||
| You look at her and you're like, whoa. | ||
| I mean, that's just fucking just cum. | ||
| That's just cum. | ||
| She's backed up like a camel. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| All the lows have been shot anywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Flumped it up. | ||
| It's cocked. | ||
| She's all sex. | ||
| It's all sex. | ||
| Her ass has been cocked with cum. | ||
| Yeah, like some girls, they have to do something to look sexy. | ||
| When a girl's built like that, it's like, Jesus. | ||
| And then on top of that, she's doing all the sexy shit, sticking her ass up in the air. | ||
| But Jennifer Lopez was like that in her prime. | ||
| Isn't it amazing, though, when we're talking about John Wayne and Batman and all that shit, the difference between how the women are portrayed... | ||
| The difference between how singers are portrayed, the music videos, the photographs, all that stuff, and then go back and think about, like, Carly Simon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There was none of that. | ||
| Carole King and... | ||
| Janis Joplin. | ||
| I mean, Janis Joplin wasn't the most attractive woman in the world, but she was funny, man. | ||
| She, like, didn't like women. | ||
| Like, there was an interview with Janis Joplin. | ||
| Is that her? | ||
| Miley Cyrus? | ||
| This is Miley Cyrus' version of this cover. | ||
| Listen, man. | ||
| That's Photoshop. | ||
| That's not her ass. | ||
| Yeah, that shit ain't real. | ||
| I think that's like a meme. | ||
| No, that is real. | ||
| No, Nicki Minaj is real. | ||
| But that's not real. | ||
| No, that's obviously... | ||
| The same ass. | ||
| Yeah, it's exactly the same. | ||
| It's in Photoshop. | ||
| Yeah, look. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| See the crease on the top of the thigh is exactly the same, the top left thigh? | ||
| Don't ever go to that other one again. | ||
| This is like a cartoon. | ||
| You show me a cartoon. | ||
| What were we talking about? | ||
| About her ass, about how... | ||
| For some women, almost it's like they've extracted the blueprint in the DNA of men of what makes us orgasm, and they have just projected it on a body. | ||
| No, what I was saying was that you never saw this from artists in the 70s. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You never saw this from women that were super attractive. | ||
| Like Linda Ronstadt. | ||
| Beautiful, beautiful woman. | ||
| When she was young and in her prime... | ||
| You never saw her in underwear. | ||
| Well, even Nikki Fleetwood Mac. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Stevie Nicks. | ||
| She was big. | ||
| She was like the chick from Heart. | ||
| What? | ||
| I didn't think she was big. | ||
| Didn't she get big? | ||
| I think she got big, but no. | ||
| When they were in their prime, she was angelic, but she was wearing flowing shit. | ||
| She was never showing her body. | ||
| Was a woman from Heart big in the beginning, or did she get big? | ||
| Ann Wilson. | ||
| She started small, and then she got bigger. | ||
| There's Ann and Nancy Wilson. | ||
| One of them married... | ||
| The famous director. | ||
| The guy who did Dazed and Confused. | ||
| Who's that? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| That's the blonde one. | ||
| The blonde one, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But she... | ||
| Ann Wilson could sing her fucking ass. | ||
| Hell yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| No, Carney Wilson was a different one. | ||
| That was Wilson Phillips. | ||
| That was a different animal. | ||
| Totally different animal. | ||
| She got big, too. | ||
| She looked like a Carney. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was like Carney had... | ||
| Her sister was super skinny, and she was really big, and it was baffling. | ||
| Didn't she do a talk show for a while? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Well, I think she was, wasn't she the daughter of the mamas and the papas? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Can't be a good time. | ||
| No. | ||
| Can't be a good time. | ||
| Growing up in that fucking crazy household. | ||
| No. | ||
| But that fucking Ann Wilson from Hart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What a voice. | ||
| She lost all that weight. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Good for her. | |
| That's what happened, right? | ||
| She lost all the weight and then she did a talk show or something like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Is that Nancy or Ann? | ||
| That's the big one. | ||
| Kearney. | ||
| Oh, that's Kearney. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| Did she have to get like a stomach thing? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| That's a weird thing, man. | ||
| You know, I was talking to a friend who had that done. | ||
| She had it done like 20 years ago. | ||
| And she was saying that it's not just that. | ||
| Like that does make you lose weight. | ||
| She goes, but to keep it off, like you got to go to counseling. | ||
| Like whatever it is that made you overeat like that, you got to address that. | ||
| You got to get on top of that. | ||
| I know a guy who's been drinking hard his whole life. | ||
| He just went to get a shot to stop drinking. | ||
| It's like, you know, that may make you averse to alcohol. | ||
| Your body's going to go find something else. | ||
| You've got to deal with why you're drinking. | ||
| A shot to stop drinking? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I didn't even know they had that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What does it do to you? | |
| All I know is he said he was going to his appointment to get it. | ||
| Famous guy. | ||
| Is it like peppermint snot? | ||
| I should start saying these famous names. | ||
| Should start or shouldn't? | ||
| Yeah, I should start saying all these names. | ||
| Would you want anybody saying your story? | ||
| In this case, no, probably right? | ||
| I'm the opposite of a name dropper. | ||
| That's a sad thing, man. | ||
| That's a sad thing, that fucking monster that eats at your soul that you can't let go that's killing you. | ||
| And the longer you do it, the harder it gets because the more you think that it's really part of you, you know? | ||
| And quitting something, I can tell you firsthand, it's the most freeing, empowering thing in the world because you think this thing that was sapping your energy that you believe was built in your foundation, you get freed of it and you all of a sudden, like, you take a giant chunk of low self-esteem and just lop it off. | ||
| Yeah, I've met a bunch of dudes that used to be junkies and now are like super hyper athletes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a lot of competitive guys like in the UFC even. | ||
| There's a few guys in the UFC that were junkies and then they became like Matt Brown, one of the top welterweight contenders. | ||
| Part of his whole story is he died. | ||
| He had an overdose and fucking died and came back from it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No shit. | |
| They revived him and now he's a monster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He just destroys people. | ||
| He's like one of the top guys in the world. | ||
| Alice Cooper's like a pro golfer now. | ||
| Is he really? | ||
| He plays that good? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He doesn't live in Arizona? | ||
| Arizona. | ||
| He plays at the Biltmore Hotel in Phoenix. | ||
| There's a famous chorus there he plays. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| What does he do with his time? | ||
| Just plays golf? | ||
| I did a benefit there with Gary Valentine, and he came out and he played School's Out for Summer and 18, all his hit songs with the full makeup on, the whole thing, in this fucking, for a charity, for like 200 people! | ||
| Did it full on. | ||
| Gave 100%. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And then hung out and talked to people afterwards and then played in the golf tournament all weekend. | ||
| Took off his makeup though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He's like a conservative, isn't he? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Isn't that interesting? | ||
| Well, I don't think you could live in that part of the world if you weren't. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Scottsdale, like that Phoenix, Scottsdale era. | ||
| Yeah, that's hardcore. | ||
| Cocaine and conservatism. | ||
| Sheriff Joe. | ||
| Yeah, that's Joe Arpaio's. | ||
| Yeah, that's like fear of Mexicans and then cocaine all mixed up together. | ||
| And sunscreen. | ||
| So you get the cocaine from the Mexican and then you get afraid of them. | ||
| And then you get sunscreen just fucking seeping those chemicals into your skin in some sort of a weird way. | ||
| Then you take a Xanax. | ||
| Lay by the pool. | ||
| Whack those fucking balls around the grass that should not be there, by the way. | ||
| Especially in a place that has a massive drought. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Massive drought. | ||
| There's no fucking water, and you're talking about a three square mile piece of real estate. | ||
| You're just constantly watering it. | ||
| So that a hundred people can entertain themselves for four hours. | ||
| Yeah, when people go like, why does a golf course cost $250 million a year run? | ||
| It does. | ||
| I mean, not that much, but if you get a membership in a prime country club, you have to pay like $100,000, $200,000 for some of those places. | ||
| They don't want any riffraff. | ||
| They want to make sure you've got some money. | ||
| And what they do is, the reason they can afford it is because they call it undeveloped parkland. | ||
| And so the environmental standards call for them in every city. | ||
| And so they're able to get a full write-off because they call it basically like wild land. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yep. | ||
| Meanwhile, they're seeping fertilizer and chemicals into the groundwater every day. | ||
| I can't believe that's how they call it. | ||
| Undeveloped parkland. | ||
| It's just white people paradise. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| Yeah, and when they buy these big memberships, there's like a bond. | ||
| Donald Trump's got courses where I bet you it's like a million dollars, and it's a bond, but you're splitting ownership of the club with the other maybe 200 members. | ||
| So maybe it's not a million, half a million. | ||
| But then you can sell that bond when you leave, and it could be worth more money. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| But it keeps the club from ever being sold because think about it. | ||
| Riviera Country Club in fucking Brentwood. | ||
| Do you know how much money you would make in condos if you put condos on that land? | ||
| And instead you got a hundred white guys playing golf there one day? | ||
| Do the math on that. | ||
| Yeah, no shit, right? | ||
| There's this one place that I was in the History Channel office. | ||
| I was talking to them about a show and I was looking out the window at this country club. | ||
| So it must be Beverly Hills. | ||
| Is there a Beverly Hills country club? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| There's like two on the west side that are primo. | ||
| It's the most ridiculous thing ever because you're looking at hundreds of acres in the prime of Beverly Hills. | ||
| When you're looking out this window and you're like, how much is that worth? | ||
| Like that spot right out there might be worth billions. | ||
| Might be worth a couple billion dollars. | ||
| If you think about it, one green is 5,000 square feet. | ||
| That's enough to put a house. | ||
| You know what the land with a tear-down house in Beverly Hills is $1.5 million. | ||
| Times that by a green, there's maybe that amount of space for 20 of those on a hole. | ||
| That's $20 million a hole. | ||
| Times 18 holes. | ||
| That's like a half a billion dollars. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And it's right there. | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| And it's using up insane amounts of water. | ||
| There was a, uh, I think it was a vice article. | ||
| What? | ||
| I don't know who put it up, but it was about like, if we really are taking this drought seriously, we need to ban golf courses. | ||
| Like everyone's saying, don't wash your car. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| How about golf courses? | ||
| Like, let's look at what a golf course is. | ||
| Like the, what you're talking about is insane. | ||
| You're using up more. | ||
| There was some fucking statistic like they, I'll, I'll pull it up. | ||
| Ban golf courses. | ||
| I bet it comes up. | ||
| There's some statistic about what the amount of... | ||
| Just in California alone, California and Florida are the number one spots for golf courses. | ||
| And Arizona. | ||
| Arizona's right there, too. | ||
| China has a golf course ban. | ||
| I saw an article about how many of those courses, because they overexpanded. | ||
| When Tiger Woods came along, golf got so big, they were building courses everywhere. | ||
| And then when he got caught with the Waffle House waitress, it all went away, and there are hundreds of courses around the country, and they just showed photos. | ||
| Weeds, chest-high weeds growing all over the entire course. | ||
| They're just abandoned. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It is a Vice article. | ||
| Instead of killing lawns, we should be banning golf because they're telling people not to water their lawn. | ||
| Yeah, it's Vice. | ||
| Yeah, this is what they're saying. | ||
| This is the statistics because it's pretty fucking crazy. | ||
| The average golf course uses 312,000 gallons of water. | ||
| How often? | ||
| A day? | ||
| It doesn't say. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Family of four... | ||
| Okay, the average American family of four uses... | ||
| Oh, per day. | ||
| Ready for this? | ||
| Yeah, per day. | ||
| The average American family of four uses 400 gallons of water a day. | ||
| The average golf course uses 312,000 gallons of water a day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Okay, so each golf course uses as much water as 780 families of four. | ||
| In Palm Springs, immediately adjacent to a place called the Palm Desert, NPR reported that each of the city's 57 courses uses about a million gallons a day. | ||
| A million gallons a day. | ||
| And again, you go back to the numbers of people that are actually using it. | ||
| Yeah, it's insane. | ||
| It's minute. | ||
| So it's the same amount of water as 2,500 families of four. | ||
| Every one in Palm Springs. | ||
| Because Palm Springs is not a spring. | ||
| It's a fucking desert. | ||
| It's got to get the water from California or from the Colorado River. | ||
| We steal it from them. | ||
| And that's the reason why that whole Salton Sea exists. | ||
| You know the Salton Sea, which is this gigantic inland sea that is in the areas near the Palm Desert? | ||
| Why is it a sea? | ||
| Well, that's what's crazy. | ||
| It was a sea because they flooded the area with the Colorado River back in like the 50s or some shit like that a Long time ago and there's a bunch of great documentaries on the Salton Sea because it's totally polluted now It's polluted with farm runoff And it became like super salty and people still pull fish out of it and eat it and people still live there But it was at one point in time these two called the inland Riviera Like it was beautiful Yeah. | ||
| Like, pull up the Salton Sea, the Inland Riviera. | ||
| There's some videos on it. | ||
| Where did you say Nevada? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It's California. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Dude, it's a huge Inland Sea. | ||
| It's enormous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And if you saw it, you'd be like, what the fuck is this doing here? | ||
| Oh, so that's all that farm country up there. | ||
| So it's all just draining in from- It's all coming down to Palm Springs. | ||
| And it's so fucked up that there's beaches on the Salton Sea that are all bones. | ||
| It's not sand. | ||
| It's fish bones. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, they have these die-offs. | ||
| These fish die-offs of like a million fish will die off. | ||
| I mean, this is what it looks like now. | ||
| But look at it. | ||
| This is the Salton Sea. | ||
| This is an inland lake. | ||
| They created that. | ||
| It's huge. | ||
| Yeah, let it play a little bit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like this. | |
| Look at this. | ||
| I like the music. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's called the Salton Sea. | |
| It's the largest body of water in California. | ||
| And it's not even supposed to be there. | ||
| At the turn of the last century, an engineering screw-up of epic proportions diverted the Colorado River into one of the lowest, hottest land basins in the United States. | ||
| It took two years to stem the tide, and when the flooding finally stopped, 350 square miles of desert lay underwater. | ||
| Everyone assumed the giant inland sea they had created by accident would just dry up, but when it didn't, real estate developers tried to turn an ecological disaster into an opportunity. | ||
| Here is truly a miracle in the desert. | ||
| A whole new outlet for the crowded millions in big cities. | ||
| A palm springs with water. | ||
| I love guys back then. | ||
| He's in a boat and he's got a suit and tie on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Today, the Salton Riviera, beside the blue Salton Sea, is the place for you to take charge of your future. | |
| You can come as you are. | ||
| They call these fish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Enjoy life at the Riviera. | |
| For a while it really did seem like a miracle. | ||
| Tourists flocked to a place that had once been an unforgiving desert. | ||
| People bought homes, built schools, restaurants, yacht clubs. | ||
| But then the sea turned on them. | ||
| Over the years, its water, fed only by agricultural runoff, became saltier than the ocean. | ||
| Botulism poisoning killed millions of fish and massive die-offs to Look at that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The sea began to flood unpredictably. | |
| Tourists fled. | ||
| Boom towns turned into ghost towns. | ||
| Millions of dead fish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine the smell? | |
| Unbelievable smell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
still waiting for neighborhoods that never arrived. | |
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beaches made not of shell or sand, but of the pulverized skeletons of uncountable millions of fish. | |
| Houses half-tumbled into toxic-looking pits. | ||
| It's apocalyptic. | ||
| Where's the Riviera? | ||
|
unidentified
|
France? | |
| It really is. | ||
| This is what our country is going to look like in a hundred years. | ||
| I just read an article about it today. | ||
| They're predicting in the next hundred years this galactic drought coming. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This drought that's in California is so bad that they're saying that can trigger earthquakes. | ||
| Oh, no shit. | ||
| A drought can trigger earthquakes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, check this out. | |
| Sell, sell, sell. | ||
| If California's drought weren't scary enough, now it may trigger earthquakes, scientists believe. | ||
| Well, the drought is spooky. | ||
| It's been three years. | ||
| Last year it rained once. | ||
| No shit! | ||
| I don't remember it raining more than once. | ||
| I mean, it might have drizzled a couple of days. | ||
| And we're supposed to have an El Nino coming through this year, and now they're saying it's going to be a very light version of it. | ||
| We needed a full El Nino. | ||
| Well, we need like a year of rain. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We need like a Seattle year. | ||
| Well, that last El Nino was like that. | ||
| Were you here out here in like, was it 98? | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, I'm sorry. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| No, it was like 97. And it fucking rained every day for like four months. | ||
| Well, what scares me is there's spots like Death Valley that's like right there. | ||
| It's on the same state. | ||
| It's right there. | ||
| What makes Death Valley Death Valley? | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| I'm not a geoengineer. | ||
| I don't understand the weather patterns. | ||
| But it's the hottest place in the world. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And it's right there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why is it right there? | ||
| And why are we not worried that right there could be right here? | ||
| If that shit creeps up north, what keeps it from? | ||
| Is it the ocean? | ||
| I don't understand it. | ||
| What is it that keeps... | ||
| Well, there's a lot of spots. | ||
| How about Ontario? | ||
| Could that be fucking Death Valley someday? | ||
| What about Brea? | ||
| It's pretty goddamn far from the ocean. | ||
| Can that turn into some horrible wasteland? | ||
| You're just worried about all your gigs. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Brea, Ontario, the improvs. | ||
| What about Pasadena? | ||
| So far. | ||
| Isn't it possible? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, it seems to me that... | ||
| Did you see Chinatown? | ||
| That movie Chinatown? | ||
| With Mickey Rourke? | ||
| No, the original one with Jack Nicholson. | ||
| Oh, Jack Nicholson. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's just basically about how that's exactly it. | ||
| L.A. is a dust bowl, and it's one river coming down. | ||
| If you cut it off, it all goes away. | ||
| I don't remember that movie we were watching except for the fact that he got his nose cut. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| Well, it's the movie that most screenwriters call the greatest script ever. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| My house is in that movie. | ||
| Your house is in that movie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, it's cool. | ||
| It freaked me out when I watched it. | ||
| Oh, it was in Burbank? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The old Burbank. | ||
| Burbank was a different animal. | ||
| You ever go to Jerry's Deli in Woodland Hills and you see what the valley used to look like back in the day? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You have all these 1920 photos and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's big photos of like... | ||
| It's all farmland and ranches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Farms! | |
| Farms! | ||
| Ranches! | ||
| There's a real issue here and in Texas. | ||
| They're really worried about it in Texas, too, with drought. | ||
| There's been no fucking rain, and they don't know what's going to happen. | ||
| If it continues on this path, there are lakes, not Lake Austin, but Lake Travis in Austin, that is half the size that it used to be. | ||
| There's some photos of California lakes that show... | ||
| See if you can find that. | ||
| Photos of California lakes that show how bad the drought is. | ||
| Just Google that. | ||
| I'm surprised it's not worse. | ||
| We were just up in Yosemite, and we went rafting, and there was plenty of fucking water. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good spot. | ||
| If you go to the good spots, you're going to be all right. | ||
| That's why I'm going to go to Canada, actually, September 9th through 11th at the Alberta... | ||
| I'm plugging my dates. | ||
| Well, where is it? | ||
| Where are you going? | ||
| Alberta, Edmonton. | ||
| What's the name of the club up there? | ||
| Look at the photos. | ||
| Left and right. | ||
| Look at left and right. | ||
| September 9th through 11th. | ||
| This is only a three years difference, if I remember correctly. | ||
| Yeah, it is three years difference. | ||
| Holy shit! | ||
| Look at what it looks like now. | ||
| I mean, climactic change is supposed to happen over thousands of years, not five. | ||
| I don't know about that. | ||
| I don't know if that's necessarily true. | ||
| Because there have been some radical climactic changes that have happened throughout history that have happened almost instantaneously. | ||
| There was some Discovery Channel show that was talking about these various land masses, these various contours or weird... | ||
| things that you could see on the ground and that scientists had i'm pulling this out of my memory but scientists had realized that this whole thing had to have occurred like in the course of a small amount of time like over a couple of days yeah at these insane geological features had been created whether it's through soil samples i think it was like soil samples like they tested the soil at the top and the soil at the bottom was all the same age like the carbon dating and | ||
| I think like the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico was a giant tsunami that settled on top of the land and slowly just fucking dribbled down for thousands of years. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Until what was left is, you know, what's now very lush and beautiful. | ||
| But it was underground for... | ||
| All in one fucking day, it went underwater. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's fucking nuts. | ||
| But that happens. | ||
| It's just... | ||
| We have such a limited amount of time that we're referring to or that we're referencing when we're looking at climate change. | ||
| We're only looking at a couple of hundred years of accurate reporting. | ||
| You get past then and it's just hearsay. | ||
| And all those things that are in the past... | ||
| That people point to, like the stories of climactic change and cataclysmic disasters, those were all regional events that happened in some place where someone wrote about it. | ||
| Mount Vesuvia. | ||
| Yeah, well there's that, but there's also like the Epic of Gilgamesh, you want to go way back. | ||
| Which is the same essential story in a lot of ways as the Noah's Ark story, where there's some giant goddamn flood. | ||
| You know, there's some shit happens in your area. | ||
| A fucking big chunk of rock from space slams into the ocean near your town, and everybody dies. | ||
| Everybody within 100 miles is dead. | ||
| And then someone writes about, that's the thing about the Bible, most religions are based on these, like, the last book of the Bible, the book of Revelations, was written at the exact same time that Mount Vesuvius happened. | ||
| And when they talk about fire and brimstone, that's what the guy was fucking looking at as he wrote it. | ||
| So it got written in as, like, this is how the world ends. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| So the Bible, apparently... | ||
| Well, you know, they're all based on... | ||
| It's not how the world ends. | ||
| It's how the world ends there. | ||
| If you go to Hawaii, everybody's fine. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| It's like everybody reports on how fucked it is where they are. | ||
| But it's supposed... | ||
| Because you're not supposed to stay. | ||
| Like, we get totally married to the idea of one geographic location, but if anybody's paying any attention to fucking history, what we know about North America is that 10,000 years ago, half of it was under a mile-high sheet of ice. | ||
| There was no Wisconsin. | ||
| Wisconsin didn't exist. | ||
| You had to cut through the fucking mile of ice to get to Minneapolis. | ||
| I mean, you couldn't get to it. | ||
| It wasn't there. | ||
| So this idea that that could be a place, my family farm's always been here, we've been here since we were kids, and we're just not moving. | ||
| Climate change, be gone. | ||
| So you're talking about when we were a nomadic civilization and just moved to where the weather was right. | ||
| That's what people did. | ||
| I mean, that's what people have always done, and they did it because we didn't have the, we have this ridiculous ego now that we can kind of live in any climate. | ||
| We'll fix it. | ||
| I got air conditioning. | ||
| We got our water coming in. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| I'm not worried about the hot. | ||
| We have this idea that you could be in a totally inhospitable place and you could fix it with technology. | ||
| And we're right for the most part, but if that technology fails... | ||
| I had a guy on yesterday, Mike Baker, who's a guy from the CIA. He was the head of... | ||
| director of operations for the CIA. Now he hosts a show on the Travel Channel. | ||
| He's talking about how easy it is to break the fucking power grid. | ||
| That's what people should be worried about. | ||
| There's not that much power. | ||
| I mean, there's not that much difficulty shutting down a grid. | ||
| And there's only a couple of grids that control the entire country. | ||
| And if one of those goes down, it takes a long fucking time to come back up. | ||
| It's happened before, you know, just in the last couple of years. | ||
| Power grids go down and people are out for days. | ||
| Yeah, and it could be longer. | ||
| If something bad happens to a power grid, they could be down for a long time. | ||
| Water supply, power grid... | ||
| The power grid is the big one, because power grid keeps people from being able to live in a place that's hot or cold. | ||
| Once it goes down, then you're off on your own. | ||
| Oh, that's what I wanted to bring up. | ||
| There's something I put up. | ||
| Josh McDermott from The Walking Dead pulled this up, and he tweeted it to me, and it's on my Twitter. | ||
| I retweeted it. | ||
| The craziest fucking story about a guy who lived in Maine, okay? | ||
| And when he was 20 years old, he disappeared and he went to live in the woods. | ||
| Never spoke a word to anyone. | ||
| Never interacted with people. | ||
| Said hi once to a guy that he found jogging. | ||
| That's all. | ||
| Or hiking. | ||
| And lived off the land. | ||
| Stole from people. | ||
| They called him the hermit of whatever the fuck he was. | ||
| Did you find it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pull that shit up. | ||
| So it's like in a small town in Maine he lived in the woods behind it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| He lived in the woods and stole from people for 20 years. | ||
| 20 plus years. | ||
| It's a crazy story. | ||
| Would he steal just food? | ||
| Batteries, food, clothes, everything he had he had stolen. | ||
| And people from this town, he had been a mystery because no one knew if he was real or not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So he had been a guy like he'd steal people's candy. | ||
| There was a guy who remembered that when he was 10 years old, someone stole all of his Halloween candy. | ||
| And he couldn't believe it. | ||
| And people would think you're crazy. | ||
| He would steal your propane tanks and he would replace them with an empty tank. | ||
| And people would be like, what the fuck? | ||
| I had a full propane tank. | ||
| He would steal your grill. | ||
| He had like a grill out there. | ||
| And he lived in a tent. | ||
| And he lived in a tent for 27 years? | ||
| In Maine. | ||
| Imagine those fucking winters. | ||
| He's 47 years old now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He hasn't talked to anybody. | ||
| And this is the only interaction that he's ever had with people. | ||
| He's never been sick a day in his life. | ||
| You think he'll do time? | ||
| Oh, yeah, he'll do time. | ||
| But it's all misdemeanor charges. | ||
| Yeah, but it's a thousand of them. | ||
| They gotta prove them all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's got all the stuff. | ||
| It's all he has. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right, right. | |
| I mean, he's gonna do time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's how much time he's gonna do. | ||
| I think they should give the guy a break. | ||
| He's mentally ill. | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| Lock him up. | ||
| What, do you want him out there fucking robbing your house? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stealing your candy? | |
| But I love the myth. | ||
| It's like Bigfoot. | ||
| It's like there's a rumor that there's a guy that lives in the woods. | ||
| I mean, how great is that to be a kid in that town? | ||
| What's incredible that it turned out to be real. | ||
| All these people had thought this for so long and everyone was like, no, that's nuts. | ||
| I think every town should have one guy who hides and steals shit from you. | ||
| Just to keep you honest. | ||
| Make sure you're locking your gate at night. | ||
| Yeah, but this is ridiculous because this guy had tools. | ||
| He had break-in tools. | ||
| He would get into people's houses and their alarms would go off and he knew how to get out of there just in time. | ||
| And so when their alarm would go off, he would fucking bail. | ||
| I could see that as being not the A story in a feature film, but like the B story. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| This is the guy that has to come out of his... | ||
| He has to come out of his shell to try to save humanity. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Because he finds something the government's doing in the woods. | ||
| No one's believing. | ||
| That guy, he's crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, he stole my kids Halloween candy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Meanwhile, he's out there and he's like, I'm telling you, they're plotting something really badly. | ||
| I haven't talked to people in 27 years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I live in a camp. | ||
| I've never been to a doctor. | ||
| And he meets the local kid. | ||
| The kid hits a baseball over the fence and stumbles into him, and they strike a relationship. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And only he understands the man. | ||
| This guy got busted by a game warden. | ||
| There was a game warden who knew he was doing this, and so they set up this silent alarm. | ||
| The alarm went off, and then this game warden showed up with a flashlight and a gun and blinded him with the flashlight and pointed the gun at him and said, Get on the ground! | ||
| And then they caught him. | ||
| This guy was like, for all these years, he was a myth. | ||
| I just can't imagine getting through those winters in Maine. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| It doesn't get any colder than that. | ||
| And it's wet cold. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's about as miserable as you can get without being in Alaska, I guess, like northern Alaska. | ||
| Because it's on the ocean. | ||
| It's on the northern Atlantic. | ||
| I bet he stole something like maybe a doghouse or he made some kind of house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| He lived in a tent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| He stole the tent, but he lived in a tent. | ||
| He stole everything he had except his glasses. | ||
| He had the same glasses that he wore in high school. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| I mean, the guy was like, he had a high school yearbook. | ||
| He's wearing these glasses. | ||
| And then he's like, you know what? | ||
| I don't like people. | ||
| Fuck this. | ||
| He never saw the internet. | ||
| He's never gotten an email. | ||
| He's never watched a television show. | ||
| He hasn't seen anything in 27 years. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Read books. | |
| All day. | ||
| Guy read books. | ||
| Oh, he stole books and read them? | ||
| Yeah, loved books. | ||
| Like Tom Clancy books. | ||
| Stole people's books. | ||
| Had a stack of books. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What if he broke his glasses? | ||
| It's hard to steal glasses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, yeah. | |
| It'd be like that Twilight Zone episode. | ||
| Yeah, that's with Burgess Meredith. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Crazy story though, man. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Because, you know, you hear about stuff like that and you're always like, that's bullshit. | ||
| There's no guys living 27 fucking years in the woods in Maine. | ||
| But yes, there was. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yes, there was. | ||
| And we gotta find out why. | ||
| There's a reason why he left and went in the woods. | ||
| Mental illness, I would imagine. | ||
| Did you read Into the Wild? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It's kind of like that. | ||
| It was like something that drove... | ||
| And it wasn't like an event that made that guy... | ||
| He wasn't traumatized. | ||
| You know, I think his parents had divorced and he took it hard, but basically he just had a spirit that needed to be away from man. | ||
| He couldn't handle man. | ||
| But he didn't like it when he was out there. | ||
| That's the thing that they talked about a little bit in the movie. | ||
| It was like, all this beauty doesn't mean anything if there's no one to share it with. | ||
| I think that was the quote. | ||
| But what I didn't like about the movie is the movie altered the book. | ||
| In the book... | ||
| The reality of how the guy died, the reality of how he died is he got injured and he starved to death. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And in the book, there was one version of it. | ||
| And in the movie, they tried to make it that he ate some poisonous plant that he fucked up and ate the wrong plant. | ||
| No, I remember in the book, they did mention that as a possibility. | ||
| They didn't say ultimately that's what it was. | ||
| I think they were pretty sure that he starved to death. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not easy to get food, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's not easy. | ||
| The idea of living off the land is ridiculous. | ||
| Well, I think he had planned on getting out before winter set in and he missed the window. | ||
| And so he got stuck out there. | ||
| Well, he was only a few miles from people, too. | ||
| Oh, no shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| Look, that area, like you're in Alaska. | ||
| Alaska is incredibly remote, but I don't believe he was more than like five or ten miles away from civilization. | ||
| I think, you know, poor fucking guy. | ||
| There was people that could have helped him that were right there. | ||
| I wonder if there's a tourist spot where the bus was that he was living in. | ||
| Doesn't he like it had a van or a bus or something? | ||
| Yeah, it was like a school bus. | ||
| Didn't he find it out there or something and move into it or something? | ||
| It was like a broken down bus. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| But that was sad, man. | ||
| Because, look, you can do it, like Survivorman's done it, but you've got to be fucking prepared. | ||
| If you want to live in the woods by yourself, man, you better have plenty of food, you better have plenty of ammo if you're going to hunt. | ||
| You better have... | ||
| Some way of stockpiling plants if you're not going to hunt. | ||
| You've got to figure out how you're going to eat. | ||
| You've got to have a serious understanding of nature. | ||
| What stuff you can eat, what you can't. | ||
| How to build a fire. | ||
| How to predict the weather to some degree. | ||
| It's probably really hard to do. | ||
| You should at least be able to survive. | ||
| There's a bunch of those shows that are about people living in Alaska. | ||
| There's a bunch of those shows now. | ||
| But one of the crazy ones is Life Below Zero. | ||
| And in Life Below Zero, there's a couple of these guys that have cabins. | ||
| And they live out. | ||
| And all they do all day is go out and get food. | ||
| Whether it's fishing or hunting. | ||
| They shoot caribou and they hang them. | ||
| And this one guy, his name is Glenn. | ||
| And he has this... | ||
| Little shack that he's prepared up there in Alaska. | ||
| And he lives in this little shack and it's by a lake and he has to drill holes in the lake to pull his water out. | ||
| Or he takes snow and he melts it down. | ||
| That's the only way he gets water. | ||
| So no electricity, just a fire. | ||
| Just a fire. | ||
| And he makes all of his fire. | ||
| He doesn't use matches. | ||
| Because he feels like you could lose your matches. | ||
| So he has this thing, like an old school Indian thing. | ||
| He bites down on it. | ||
| He holds it in a stick. | ||
| And the stick is attached to these two ropes. | ||
| Or a rope, rather, and a bow. | ||
| Almost like one of those things you would play fiddle with. | ||
| And he goes like this. | ||
| He bites it down, so he holds it in place. | ||
| It just goes... | ||
| And then he goes back and forth, and the friction creates sparks. | ||
| And then he uses that to start up tinder. | ||
| That's the only way it makes fire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And this guy's out there just shooting things and eating them. | ||
| But the crazy thing is, he's happy. | ||
| He enjoys it. | ||
| He lives as a hermit for four or five months out of the year. | ||
| And he does that. | ||
| And then occasionally he has a family, apparently. | ||
| He's divorced from his wife, but he has kids. | ||
| So he goes into town. | ||
| And he does it during the winter months. | ||
| Yeah, he does it through the winter. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I don't know how much of it is for the show. | ||
| That's a real issue when you're watching these goddamn shows. | ||
| You don't know how much of this they're doing. | ||
| They said, hey, would you be willing to live out there through the winter? | ||
| Yeah, maybe he only does it during the summer normally, but he did it in the winter on TV. But what's weird is when we stayed in Yosemite, we had to put all our food in these bear safes that were reinforced steel. | ||
| Because any food at all, they're going to come find it. | ||
| But what do you do when you've got an elk hanging outside of your cabin? | ||
| He's constantly fighting off grizzlies. | ||
| This guy shoots grizzlies. | ||
| He's constantly fighting them off. | ||
| They find out about his stash. | ||
| When he shoots an animal, he has to be very careful approaching it. | ||
| Because if a bear gets to the animal before he does... | ||
| A lot of times you shoot an animal... | ||
| And the animal will run off to die. | ||
| Because they're full of air. | ||
| Their lungs are. | ||
| A bullet will go through one lung. | ||
| The animal runs. | ||
| It might take 10, 15 minutes for it to die if you don't hit it perfectly. | ||
| So he has to track the animal. | ||
| But by the time he gets it and the animal's down, he has to decide. | ||
| If he shoots the animal, say if it gets dark at 7 and he shoots the animal at 6 and he's tracking it. | ||
| If he goes too far, he's got to go, I've got to get home before it gets dark. | ||
| Because he doesn't have flashlights. | ||
| He's not using any of that shit. | ||
| Okay, I got to leave this animal there. | ||
| So then he has to go out first light. | ||
| So he goes out in the morning to find the animal, and sometimes something's founded already, like nocturnal animals. | ||
| So he might get to his carcass of all of his meat. | ||
| This is what he needs. | ||
| He shot this animal, but there's a wolf on it, or there's bears on it, or something along those lines. | ||
| It's serious shit. | ||
| But that excitement about being out there like that, for this guy, is like this giant charge. | ||
| That's what he loves to do. | ||
| He doesn't want to deal with taxes. | ||
| He doesn't want to deal with jobs. | ||
| He doesn't want to deal with bosses. | ||
| He's just got this little shack that he built himself, and he can sell skins. | ||
| So he can trap animals like lynx and You know, all these different animals and sell their skins and make money. | ||
| So that's where he gets his money from. | ||
| And then from that money, he'll buy like bullets and guns and things along those lines. | ||
| And everything else, he's just living off the land. | ||
| So he lives off the land like for months and months at a time with no contact with people. | ||
| Doesn't speak to another human being for four months. | ||
| Well, he's doing it now because he's talking to cameramen, obviously, and producers, I'm sure. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure there's people there that are kind of directing along. | ||
| That must be weird for him because clearly he doesn't want to be around people. | ||
| and when you've got a camera crew around you around the clock, you've got no space at all. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| I mean, maybe it's only during the day and then they have specific times where they film like they need to get some nighttime content or they need to get some content of him. | ||
| Like they've got different ones. | ||
| There's a couple of different guys and one guy, he's a hunting guide. | ||
| His name's Eric and he's a hunting guide so he takes people hunting and then when he's not doing that then he has his own spot but he has a generator and he has actual electricity and he has like He drives around in 4x4s, those little things, those Polaris things. | ||
| And snowmobiles. | ||
| Actually, snowmobiles is really the way he does it. | ||
| And that's how he gets around. | ||
| He uses a snowmobile to travel through the woods and check his trap lines and stuff. | ||
| So he's like step up from this guy. | ||
| He has a generator, has power, a little bit more technological, but you go all the way back to that guy and he's not even using matches. | ||
| These fucking guys, they're loving it. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| It's like the challenge and the thrill of life changes. | ||
| Because they're tuned in. | ||
| That's what they always talk about. | ||
| When you're out here, it's so exciting because you're tuned in to nature. | ||
| They're hunting all these different animals, and some of them they're hunting for furs, which I don't like. | ||
| When I see people hunting shit for furs, I'm always like, man, that's kind of fucked up. | ||
| But when I watch these guys do it, it doesn't bother me. | ||
| It doesn't bother me that they're shooting these animals only for their furs. | ||
| Because this guy doesn't have any other way to get money. | ||
| I mean, this is what he's chosen to do. | ||
| And there's a reason why. | ||
| I mean, they try to keep the populations of a lot of these animals in check. | ||
| And so they need people like this to do that. | ||
| But it's just such a weird way of life to watch. | ||
| And I always watch and go, could I do that? | ||
| That's why these shows are so popular. | ||
| These Alaska shows are huge, and they keep making a million of them. | ||
| But I could say on the slightest scale of this, when I go camping, I feel so good. | ||
| I come back refreshed. | ||
| I feel like I'm connecting with my family like I never do. | ||
| There's no cell phones. | ||
| We're talking. | ||
| We're doing projects like lighting a fire, cooking some food, putting the tents up, going for a hike. | ||
| And you think, you know, I always bring a book or some games. | ||
| I never get to that shit. | ||
| Your day is full. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a relaxing but invigorating way to spend your time. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I think people need trees. | ||
| I think being around that stuff, walking on dirt and being around trees, we don't need it, obviously, but I think there's a certain energy that you get from that environment that's refreshing. | ||
| It feels good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, every religion talks about it's all the answers are in nature. | ||
| You know, you read Whitman and Thoreau. | ||
| It's all about go to wall and pond, just get off the grid, and that's the only way you can live. | ||
| And it's like, even if it means taking a hike every other day, just get out in nature. | ||
| All the answers are there. | ||
| You ponder the cycles. | ||
| You see a flower dying and you think about, "Oh, there's some horseshit that's going to make this grow." And you see a bird feeding something. | ||
| You just see how life really works on a base level and I think it kind of gets you in sync. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think what we're doing by creating cities is awesome. | ||
| I mean, we're stockpiling food. | ||
| It makes it easy to get around your car. | ||
| It's nice to be able to visit your friends. | ||
| You just drive across town. | ||
| Hey, what's up everybody? | ||
| And everybody fucking... | ||
| It's green light means go. | ||
| Red light means stop. | ||
| You know, it's all good. | ||
| We've got a nice system. | ||
| But I think we're missing out on a lot of shit, man. | ||
| I think we're missing out on a lot of the feeling that you get from just being a person. | ||
| I think that's one of the reasons why we're so detached from our... | ||
| The actions that we're doing as far as polluting, as far as dumping plastic into the ocean, we're so detached from it because in cities, we're only seeing this human-created stuff. | ||
| But when you see a beer can... | ||
| You see a beer can in a parking lot, say if you're walking through a parking lot and see a smashed Budweiser can, it doesn't really freak you out. | ||
| But when you see a Budweiser can in the woods, it's a real bummer, man. | ||
| It's a real bummer. | ||
| I've seen people throw cigarettes out on a parking lot, and it's gross, but it seems normal. | ||
| But I saw a dude once throw a cigarette out in the woods, and I go, pick that up, man. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing? | ||
| We're out here in the woods. | ||
| It's beautiful out here. | ||
| And you just lit your cigarette, threw it on the ground, stepped on it. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Well, that's what the ocean is. | ||
| It's forever been a dumping ground. | ||
| Did you hear about the trash continent that disappeared? | ||
| Disappeared? | ||
| It disappeared. | ||
| What do you mean disappeared? | ||
| Somebody just told me yesterday that the thing that's been floating out in the ocean that's the size of Australia... | ||
| Is no longer there. | ||
| I don't think it's that big. | ||
| It's pretty big. | ||
| I think it's like Texas-sized, but it's the Pacific Garbage Patch is what they call it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Gone. | ||
| Disappeared? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Wow, I didn't hear that. | ||
| And, you know, when you think about, like, it's just too easy to dump shit into the 99% missing. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| 99% missing. | ||
| It's reached the food chain. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ocean Patch is mysteriously disappearing. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| There was a guy who I had on who was a seasteader. | ||
| He's got this idea of... | ||
| Oh, we're running out of time. | ||
| But we were talking about this 19-year-old kid who figured out a way to pull plastic out of the ocean, use some sort of large machine. | ||
| And he's done it on a small-scale basis. | ||
| And make skateboards out of it? | ||
| No. | ||
| We talked about that, I think, the last time you were here. | ||
| Some guy down in Mexico, right? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| No, this was a guy who figured out how to clean up the Pacific Garbage Patch and reuse that plastic. | ||
| Oh yeah? | ||
| Yeah, on a small scale. | ||
| They've shown it like, what's that called? | ||
| Proof of concept on a small scale. | ||
| So it's a matter of implementing it on a large scale. | ||
| But if it's all fucking sinking into the ocean, that's not good. | ||
| It's like that Gulf Oil spell. | ||
| Like, where'd it go? | ||
| Not good. | ||
| She's gone! | ||
| But the reality is that the ocean is so fucking big. | ||
| If you do cap it eventually, everything will recover. | ||
| It's obviously not good, but the reality is oil leaks from the ground floor for the ocean floor also. | ||
| I mean, it does it all the time. | ||
| Like, throughout the California coast, you could find natural oil that is leaked out of the bottom of the ocean, like the ocean floor. | ||
| The same way we can go in and get it with a pipe, it can actually come through in some spots. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So the ocean is not worried about that amount of... | ||
| It's fucked up and gross. | ||
| And for the people that live in that area, disgusting, awful, evil, all of the above. | ||
| But the whole ocean? | ||
| It's like, come on. | ||
| You know what the worst was? | ||
| When the Soviet Union went down, all these classified documents came out about the nuclear program. | ||
| For like 40 years, they were taking raw nuclear waste and just dropping it in the Sea of Japan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just take it out, throw it overboard. | |
| Motherfucker. | ||
| And we're eating sushi. | ||
| Well, that's how the Somali pirates started, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Somali pirates, before they called themselves Somali pirates, they called themselves the Volunteer Coast Guard of Somalia. | ||
| And the reason why they started doing this, they started going out and capturing European boats that were dumping toxic waste off the coast, killing off all their fish. | ||
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| So they would hold them for ransom. | ||
| And then they realize, you know what, we get a lot more than this than we do doing fishing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So fuck fishing, let's just become kidnappers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So they became kidnappers and started making millions of dollars. | ||
| Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day, but take a bunch of people hostage, that's a fucking month's worth of money. | ||
| Hey now! | ||
| This podcast was brought to you by DraftKings. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Is that what you call it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the URL? DraftKings.com No, no, no. | |
| There's a URL like you add something in there. | ||
| Code Word Rogan. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I never get these things correct. | ||
| Okay, DraftKings.com. | ||
| Enter in the code word ROGAN for free entry now at DraftKings.com. | ||
| Get on that fantasy football train and make yourself some money. | ||
| I can't believe you can really make money, but you can. | ||
| You get your piece of five million bucks during kickoff week at DraftKings.com. | ||
| Use the code word ROGAN and you can try it for free. | ||
| Enter for free. | ||
| Give it a shot, you fucks. | ||
| And Greg Fitzsimmons, what's your website? | ||
| GregFitsSimmons.com, FitzDog.com. | ||
| My new one-hour special from Comedy Central is now on Hulu for free. | ||
| Life on stage. | ||
| Check that out. | ||
| And then if you want to see my bullshit live, I'll be in Edmonton on September 11-13. | ||
| And then Atlanta, October 13-15. | ||
| Glorious. | ||
| Go to Greg's website. | ||
| We're out of time. | ||
| We love the fuck out of you people. | ||
| See you next week. | ||
| Big kiss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mwah. | |
| Big kiss. | ||
| It works out better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you talk about the 9 year old girl shooting the gun instructor? | |
| No. | ||
| Where'd that happen? | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| It was an Uzi. | ||
| On purpose she did it? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She was at a gun range and they were training her how to shoot an Uzi. | |
| He took one in the head. | ||
| Yeah, he got two out of her hand. | ||
| They have a video of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| Oh, yeah? | ||
| Is he dead? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But then, what's crazy, I was going to bring it up, but I thought you should talk about it yesterday. | ||
| But they were like, oh, yeah, it's completely legal. | ||
| Actually, the shooting age is eight. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Not only that, but they're marketing to kids like crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's like, they have, like, home magazines for kids to... | ||
| Kids and guns. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, and it's all put out by the NRA. Eight? | |
| Eight? | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| I've shot one gun once and it was like a little, what is it, a 22? | ||
| Is that those little tiny ones? | ||
| Yeah, those little baby ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's all I shot. |
Export Selection