June 18, 2014 - The Joe Rogan Experience
03:00:14
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Hello, freak bitches. | ||
| Welcome back once again. | ||
| Matt Flavors here, and he's got his fucking reading glasses on, so you know shit is about to get very serious. | ||
| This episode of the Joe Rogan Podcast is brought to you by NatureBox. | ||
| NatureBox, one of my favorite new sponsors. | ||
| They make some goddamn delicious shit and send it directly to you for free. | ||
| If you're one of those people that works in an office and you get annoyed at the fact that You don't have good, healthy snacks to eat that's delicious that you don't feel guilty about eating. | ||
| And, you know, the vending machine's filled with crap. | ||
| And it's hard to fucking go to the store and buy shit and think, okay, these are my snacks for work. | ||
| Way easier to have NatureBox deliver it. | ||
| And NatureBox can deliver stuff that is... | ||
| With zero trans fats, zero high fructose corn syrup, nothing artificial, no artificial sweeteners. | ||
| They have really healthy options, and then they have shit like pretzels, which are very yummy. | ||
| Very yummy. | ||
| Very yummy. | ||
| Apricot figs. | ||
| Oh yeah, good stuff. | ||
| Cocoa, almonds. | ||
| Have you had that Big Apple Pineapple? | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Yeah, the black and white granola's delicious. | ||
| They've got endless stuff on there that you and the nutritionist approved. | ||
| It's fucking delicious. | ||
| Did you get the sriracha cashews? | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
|
unidentified
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Those are the best. | |
| Did you get the spicy pistachios? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You get stoned sometimes, you're hungry, you're looking for something, that's the perfect fucking snack, people. | ||
| Yeah, this is one, you know, NatureBox can set you up too if you have very specific dietary requirements like low sugar or gluten-free. | ||
| Really, really delicious shit. | ||
| Free shipping anywhere in the U.S., NatureBox is busting the vending machine's monopoly on your midday hunger. | ||
| That's their fucking line, not mine. | ||
| See the difference? | ||
| Try NatureBox right now and get 50% off your first box by going to naturebox.com slash rogan. | ||
| So for 50% off, naturebox.com slash rogan. | ||
| Enjoy, you freaks, because we do. | ||
| NatureBox is, in fact, the shit. | ||
| It's really cool because any kind of the snacks they tell you right there, like soy-free, dairy-free, they tell you it's really well put on their website. | ||
| And when you get it sent to your house, you don't even realize how easy that is. | ||
| That's just like five things you just throw in your cupboard and then you have snacks the whole week instead of going to McDonald's or something like that on the way home. | ||
| And good shit. | ||
| It's not like you could find this stuff at the grocery store. | ||
| Where the fuck are you going to find Sriracha cashews? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Like, they have some excellent recipes that they've concocted, so I salute them. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Ting, another podcast sponsor that I really enjoy. | ||
| Ting is a podcast sponsor that what they decided to do was make their own cell phone company, rent time on Sprint, but do it their way. | ||
| Do it their way with no early termination fees, no contracts. | ||
| Just sell people's service on Sprint so you know you've got an excellent network and give them, for a choice, the best mobile phones available through Android and iPhone. | ||
| Leave the iPhone 5 on there. | ||
| And instead of like the way you do it at most places, if you go to one of the bigger name cell phone companies, what you're doing is you're sort of like leasing a phone. | ||
| Like if the phone costs 200 bucks, iPhone doesn't cost 200 bucks, bitch. | ||
| An iPhone costs 600 bucks, but you pay 200 bucks and then over the course of the years of your contract, you pay off the rest. | ||
| They don't do it that way, Tink. | ||
| If it says $200, it's because it's $200. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| We're done here. | ||
| You give them $200, they give you a phone, that's a wrap. | ||
| Like, you see that iPhone 5 that they had? | ||
| $260? | ||
| That's what it actually costs. | ||
| And then that shit is yours. | ||
| And if you want to leave, you leave. | ||
| You want to come back? | ||
|
unidentified
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Come on back. | |
| Nobody gives a fuck. | ||
| What they're trying to do is sell you an excellent cell phone service at a reasonable price with reasonable rules. | ||
| And they also have it set up so you only pay for the minutes that you use. | ||
| If you use one minute a month, that's what you pay for. | ||
| If you use 100 minutes a month, that's what you pay for. | ||
| That's what's going to happen in the future. | ||
| Because all these fucking goofy rules where it's like, you go over 120 minutes and you got this fee because you got an overage fee and all that nonsense. | ||
|
unidentified
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Can you imagine? | |
| If one of the big-name guys did that, they would ruin everybody. | ||
| Because they're like, oh yeah, that makes a lot of sense. | ||
|
unidentified
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Let's go to this other big-name place. | |
| I think in the future, that's the only way they're going to do it. | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I think Ting is way ahead of the curve. | ||
| They're also ahead of the curve. | ||
| They had, on their two-year anniversary, they just, for no reason, just decided to slash all their prices. | ||
| They're like, we got better deals, so we're going to give better deals to you guys. | ||
| All their prices on data. | ||
| If you're a heavy user, a heavy internet user especially, the data prices on Ting are fantastic. | ||
| Ninety-eight percent of people would save money with Ting. | ||
| Ninety-eight percent. | ||
| That's real numbers, I think. | ||
| Go to their website. | ||
|
unidentified
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They apparently have some statistics. | |
| Twenty-one dollars is the average monthly bill per device for Ting customers. | ||
| I know you pay more than twenty-one bucks. | ||
| Go to rogan.ting.com and save an additional twenty-five bucks off of any of those new delicious Android devices. | ||
| That's rogan.ting.com. | ||
| We are also brought to you last and foremost by Onnit. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. A human optimization website. | ||
| What we sell on it is all things that we have found to improve you, improve your mind, improve your endurance, improve your mood. | ||
| If we find things that prove to be good, if we look at the research and it makes sense, we post all that research along with references. | ||
| All the stuff that we sell, whether it's... | ||
| The controversial things like alpha brain and shroom tech and new mood. | ||
| What you're dealing with alpha brain and new mood, you're dealing with these things called nootropics. | ||
| What nootropics are is vitamins and nutrients that have been shown to have a positive impact on cognitive function. | ||
| It's very controversial stuff. | ||
| If you, you know, you Google online... | ||
| You can find people that say that vitamins aren't necessary and they're bullshit and they don't do anything for you. | ||
| Nutrients, all you need is what you get from your food. | ||
| Do you know how much fucking weird grasses and moss you would have to eat to get some of the nutrients that's in something like AlphaBrain? | ||
| You're not going to get it from your food, man. | ||
| Like, is it better to have a healthy diet than just to eat a shitty diet and take supplements? | ||
| Abso-fucking-lutely. | ||
| Healthy diet is number one. | ||
| It's the most important thing. | ||
| But for optimization, for optimization meaning making your body and your brain function at its very peak, at its best, when you feel the smoothest, the longest, the most often, you can do that with supplementation better than you can without supplementation. | ||
| This is from anecdotal evidence, my personal evidence, like my personal experience rather, and it's also from research. | ||
| All the research available at Onnit.com, including our own double-blind placebo studies that we did on AlphaBrain. | ||
| We did one, showed positive results. | ||
| We're doing a much larger one now. | ||
| What we're trying to do on it is just sell you the shit that we find that works as far as strength and fitness equipment, the strength and conditioning equipment we sell like kettlebells and battle ropes and weight vests, steel maces. | ||
| All these different things are great for functional strength. | ||
| No bullshits, no gimmicks, no fat loss nonsense. | ||
| If we find it, it's got to work before we sell it. | ||
| And we look into it very, very thoroughly. | ||
| We also have a 100% money back guarantee on any of the supplements. | ||
| 90 days, 30 pills. | ||
| The first bottle of 30 pills, 100% money back guarantee. | ||
| You don't even have to return the product. | ||
| We're trying to sell you the best shit we can find. | ||
| Go to O-N-N-I-T, use the code word ROGAN and save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| Alright, you fucks. | ||
| Mad Flavor, a.k.a. | ||
|
unidentified
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Joe Diaz. | |
| And they also have to stay on a program where they mail you the stuff every month automatically to your house. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| On the 1st. | ||
| Tremendous. | ||
| You can't beat that and you get 20% off. | ||
| Enter Rogan, whatever in the box, and get the motherfucking 20% off. | ||
| They deliver it to your house. | ||
| You can put it on program. | ||
| You get your alpha brain, your shroom tech. | ||
| You can rotate it, because I talked to Mr. Rios. | ||
| You can rotate the stock. | ||
| We're in. | ||
| So whatever you need, they'll send it to you the first of the month. | ||
| You have to sit there and go back on the fucking computer. | ||
| Try it for 90 days. | ||
| Yeah, the Get On It program has been very successful. | ||
| Tremendous. | ||
| Go there, get your freak on. | ||
| Joey Diaz is here. | ||
|
unidentified
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Come on. | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| Train by day, Joe Rogan Podcast by night! | ||
| All day! | ||
| Boom, Sherlock, lock, boom. | ||
| Joey motherfucking Diaz. | ||
| What's up, my brother? | ||
| You're violating state law. | ||
| You got an electronic cigarette in the house. | ||
| What am I going to do? | ||
| I have a question for you while we're on it because I always have questions for you and I forget to talk to you. | ||
| About a month ago, somebody posted the mushrooms, the quadriceps mushrooms. | ||
| Cordyceps, yeah. | ||
| Cordyceps that are in Shroom Tech and they had like what this mushroom looks like in 10 years and how it gets fungi and this is what it does to inside your system. | ||
| That's all bullshit. | ||
| It does inside your system. | ||
| Like inside your body, what it does is lose the shit. | ||
| Look, there's a lot of mushrooms people eat on a daily basis. | ||
| Like fungus is a normal part of people's diets. | ||
| You know, when you eat shiitake mushrooms, you're eating a fungus. | ||
| You're eating something that's a fungus. | ||
| You know, your whole body's filled with little growing organisms. | ||
| But no, cordyceps and mushrooms are not going to grow inside your body. | ||
| Make roots. | ||
| Create fucking plants that come out of your nose. | ||
| It's one of those ads on Facebook they show. | ||
| Like, if you eat cordyceps mushrooms, this is what happens to your system. | ||
| Well, there's a bunch of different kinds of cordyceps mushrooms, too. | ||
| There's two different types in Shroom Tech Sport. | ||
| Two different types of cordyceps mushrooms. | ||
| Now, when you do the Shroom Tech Sport, it's not that you get hyped. | ||
| I don't get hyped. | ||
| No. | ||
| I just feel it at the end. | ||
| Like, when I'm like, I look at the clock and I go, usually I leave at this time. | ||
| I'm like, I got one more in there. | ||
| Yeah, you get an extra round or two. | ||
| I got one more in me. | ||
| I got another one in me. | ||
| You know what it came from? | ||
| It came from these high-altitude herders. | ||
| They were, like, moving cattle around, and they found that when these animals would eat these certain mushrooms, they'd be noticeably more lively. | ||
| So they realize it's probably something to do with oxygen production. | ||
| I guess if you go to certain places in the world, it makes sense that there's certain foods that would be good that grow in that to help you deal with certain aspects of the environment that's challenging, like high-altitude. | ||
| You know what it's like. | ||
| You go to Denver. | ||
| You go up the flight of stairs and you're like, woo! | ||
| Whenever they have a UFC card in Denver, I'm always like, alright, here we go. | ||
| They had Ben Rothwell and Mark Hunt, two dudes not exactly known to be triathletes, go to a fight in Denver. | ||
| And it was a crazy fight, man. | ||
| It was just a ridiculous, crazy fight where both guys almost died. | ||
| They both almost had heart attacks. | ||
| You're fighting at 5,500 feet above sea level. | ||
|
unidentified
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You weigh 265 fucking pounds. | |
| How long before? | ||
| It says six weeks to acclimate. | ||
| That's what they say, but I don't think for fun. | ||
| I talked to a guy who lived there who was a triathlete, and he told me that he moved there for his training. | ||
| Right, that's what they did. | ||
| Yeah, like a lot of those endurance athletes moved there. | ||
| He was in Boulder. | ||
| And he told me it takes three years. | ||
| Three full years before your body is like, right how you are right now, if you're in Burbank, boom! | ||
| Right now, Joey Diaz, you would have to, to get to be this level of comfort with your breathing environment and with the oxygen level in the air, it would take you approximately three years to get 100%. | ||
| But you get pretty close. | ||
| Within the first five weeks. | ||
| When those fighters go to Denver, how long? | ||
| Do they go two weeks, maybe, and train a little bit? | ||
| There's a lot of debate on that. | ||
| What they're thinking now is that what you should do is not train at altitude. | ||
| What they think now is that you should train at sea level, but then sleep at altitude. | ||
| So if that's the case, you don't have to go anywhere. | ||
| B.J. Penn had one of those tents that he would set up in his house, and when he would go to bed at night, he would sleep in this oxygen tent. | ||
| And it simulated being at high altitude. | ||
| So that's what guys are using now. | ||
| They're using these tents. | ||
| It was funny, because BJ set it up, and he goes, it was really funny as he was setting it up, he goes, when I gotta sleep in a tent, someone's getting their ass kicked. | ||
| He's setting up this fucking plastic tent in his living room, you know? | ||
| It's wild. | ||
| I was just in Utah, in Salt Lake City, and that also has elevation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You don't remember. | ||
| You just go out and do something. | ||
| There's BJ sleeping in a tent. | ||
| Back it up so Joey can see it. | ||
| Is that Pat Cummins? | ||
| No, I got it. | ||
| I got it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Anthony Gonzalez. | |
| Who is he? | ||
|
unidentified
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I don't know. | |
| He's just a football player. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| A lot of guys do this now. | ||
| They sleep in these fucking tents. | ||
| I know when they play football in Denver, that's murder. | ||
| When people come in and visit, they got a flight on Monday and they get to practice the whole week. | ||
| The NFL does, you know, and colleges do because you got to do something just to acclimate. | ||
| You've got to ramp up for that shit. | ||
| You should ramp up your training and your cardio beforehand anyway just to deal with the fact that you're going to... | ||
| Some guys don't have to do anything. | ||
| They're just in such good shape. | ||
| They get up to Denver. | ||
| They deal with it a little bit. | ||
| They feel it a little bit. | ||
| But they're in such good shape they can just push forward. | ||
| And that's amazing when you walk around the city of Boulder, per se. | ||
| And you walk around. | ||
| You're there for six weeks. | ||
| And you get acclimated and everything or whatever they say. | ||
| And you start getting used to it. | ||
| And then you go skiing. | ||
| And that's what you really find. | ||
| Because... | ||
| There's a level on the mountains that it's just brutal. | ||
| It's just fucking brutal. | ||
| Yeah, like 11,000 feet when you get up there. | ||
| And here's the fucking crazy thing. | ||
| A lot of people decide to eat up there. | ||
| And that's when you're in trouble. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Your body can't handle. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| A little while up there. | ||
| I'm talking up there. | ||
| 11,000 feet. | ||
| You could ski down it. | ||
| That's fine. | ||
| We ski, and then we get to the bottom, and we go up, and you get your momentum, and you ski, and you get... | ||
| It's when people stop up there, and they hang out for an hour, and they eat. | ||
| They got altitude sickness, high altitude. | ||
| You know there's a high altitude sickness? | ||
| It's a motherfucker. | ||
| It's like being seasick. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's like being seasick. | ||
| You just want to lay down. | ||
| It makes sense, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because living at 8,500 feet, when you go up a flight of stairs, anytime you go up a flight of stairs, you got to go... | ||
| I never go up a flight of stairs and take a big deep breath, but in Boulder, you take a big deep breath. | ||
| And you can imagine that if you go higher than that, go like 11,000, like 8,000 to 5,000 is a big difference. | ||
| So I've got to imagine 11 is like some next level shit. | ||
| Next level shit. | ||
| And it's crazy because when you're up there for a while, you're tired. | ||
| You don't have to do anything. | ||
| Just talk to people up there. | ||
| It just puts your body through something. | ||
| Because the first time I moved to Colorado, I didn't go to Boulder. | ||
| I went to Aspen. | ||
| And all I felt like doing was sleeping. | ||
| When I was 18, I don't even sleep now at 50. At 18, I didn't fucking sleep. | ||
| Who slept? | ||
| And man, for like three weeks, all I could do was fucking sleep. | ||
| I couldn't take it no more. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It was just that heavy. | ||
| I passed out up there smoking pot the first time, too. | ||
| I took a big old bong hit. | ||
| Next thing you know, they're picking me up off the fucking floor. | ||
| First day in Aspen, on a Sunday afternoon, I went to some people's house over... | ||
| It was Galena Street. | ||
| They had an apartment. | ||
| I went up there, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Want to do a bong? | ||
| Yeah, I'm a tough guy. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Bam! | ||
|
unidentified
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Bump in the head, ice cubes in your head. | |
| Fucking tremendous. | ||
| We had to catch a Fear Factor executive in New York. | ||
| We had to catch her because she passed out on the street. | ||
| Stepped outside of a bar. | ||
| This is after September 11th. | ||
| It was the coolest time to be in New York, man. | ||
| Everybody was so goddamn friendly. | ||
| It was like less than a year since the attacks. | ||
| We're filming. | ||
| Maybe a year. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I want to say it's 2002 somewhere. | ||
| And so we're standing outside this bar and I go, who wants some of this? | ||
| Come on, pussies. | ||
| Who wants some of this? | ||
| I pulled out a joint. | ||
| And they got crazy. | ||
| They go, come on. | ||
| We'll do it. | ||
| We'll do it with you. | ||
| I'm like, oh my goodness. | ||
| You guys are fucked. | ||
| Like, they don't have any idea. | ||
| Like, non-smokers have no idea. | ||
| I mean, they might have smoked weed a little bit in college. | ||
| You don't know what the fuck you're getting into. | ||
| You have no idea how crazy this weed is. | ||
| Oh my goodness. | ||
| So she took one hit, and she's standing there. | ||
| And then you see her eyes, like, slowly start to roll back. | ||
| And I see her body give in. | ||
| And we just rushed in and caught her. | ||
| We're like, whoa. | ||
| And then we called the ambulance. | ||
| No, you didn't. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Didn't know what was going on. | ||
| She had had a few health issues too, so we were a little worried. | ||
| Like something might be going on other than the weed, you know? | ||
| So we called her. | ||
| Called an ambulance for her. | ||
| But it's weird watching someone black out from weed. | ||
| I told that story about that one person in college that she took one hit of a joint or a bong or whatever it was. | ||
| She stood up and just started running as fast as she could into the bathroom and trips over the bathtub and smashes her head into the wall. | ||
|
unidentified
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And she had no idea why. | |
| She said her body just took over and she didn't know it. | ||
|
unidentified
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She blacked out and she just started running. | |
| That should be the commercial. | ||
| Weed. | ||
| It's not for everybody. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's not. | |
| Not anymore. | ||
| Nothing's for everybody. | ||
| Not anymore. | ||
| Nothing's for everybody, including, you know, fucking cats. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| You know? | ||
| I know a lady who's allergic to chickens. | ||
| She's like, I love chickens, but I'm allergic to them. | ||
| What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| You're allergic to chickens? | ||
| How are you allergic to chickens? | ||
| How does that even happen? | ||
| You can't even pick up a chicken? | ||
| When I was a kid, I was allergic to dogs like a motherfucker. | ||
| I mean, doctor. | ||
| I had to go to a doctor if I had contact with a dog. | ||
| But you're not like that now. | ||
| Over the years, I just kept playing with them. | ||
| I couldn't live like that. | ||
| I couldn't live like that no more. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| It was a horrible way to live. | ||
| If I went to somebody's house as a child and they had a collie or something, and when you're a kid, somebody got a collie, you're like, ah! | ||
| I couldn't fucking touch this collie, you know? | ||
| When you're a kid and somebody got a collie, that's it. | ||
| That's Lassie, motherfucker. | ||
| That's as good as it gets. | ||
| And my godmother had a collie, and my mom would go, you can't go in the house. | ||
| I gotta fucking go in the house. | ||
| I gotta see him. | ||
| They called him Lassie, and I would hug them and an hour later my eyes would be like fuck and I got punched in the face. | ||
| Both of them. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| And they'd make me wash my hands. | ||
| After an hour they'd go to the hospital, they'd put some whatever in the eye and then they'd tell me not to fuck with the dogs. | ||
| After eight times I said, bro, dogs were my fucking thorn in my side when I was a kid. | ||
| If I'm getting bit, I got bit in the face. | ||
| I got bit in the leg. | ||
| I kept getting bit. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| Stoberman Pinches kept biting me. | ||
| German Shepherds kept biting me. | ||
| Well, dogs don't bite kids because kids will grab their face. | ||
| No, I never harassed them with my fear. | ||
| I had such a fear of them. | ||
| And then one time in Spanish Harlem, a guy used to walk past me every day in the summer, and he had two dogs, and he would say, don't say hello to my dogs. | ||
| You know, don't talk to my dogs. | ||
| We'd go, okay, because I was trying to work over the fear. | ||
| I knew that somebody said, you got to play with them. | ||
| If not, they're going to keep biting you. | ||
| And bro, after a summer one day, I didn't say hello to the dogs. | ||
| Like, the dogs were broke by, and the female came back and bit me in the fucking leg. | ||
| Because you should have said hello. | ||
| You told me not to fucking talk to them! | ||
| So this is that time. | ||
| Like, I haven't been scared of dogs at all. | ||
| At all. | ||
| Well, there's some people that have bad dogs, though. | ||
| There's some people that just have bad dogs. | ||
| They didn't take care of their dog, they raised a shitty dog, and their dog's dangerous. | ||
| That's a fact. | ||
| Listen, man, dogs just, you know, they don't know. | ||
| They don't fucking know. | ||
| They don't fucking know. | ||
| You know, you can't... | ||
| Every day we hear about a dog attack or some shit. | ||
| You don't fucking know. | ||
| Well, it's weird. | ||
| We're living with animals. | ||
| We've got this weird animal that we allow to live with us, and, you know, it protects you, which means, what protects you means, it protects you from other people. | ||
| I mean, when was the last time you heard about a dog protecting someone from an animal? | ||
| It's pretty rare, right? | ||
| They're protecting you from other people. | ||
| And so you got a dog that's trained to bite people, which is very strange. | ||
| Animals that you have around you that are essentially like trained weapons, trained to go after people. | ||
| Like when people have those attack shepherds. | ||
| Remember when George Foreman? | ||
| When George Foreman fought Muhammad Ali, he brought his German shepherd to Zaire. | ||
| And it was this big deal because the black people that lived there, the actual Africans that lived there, fucking hated German shepherds. | ||
| Because German Shepherds are the dogs that the cops had. | ||
| The cops had. | ||
| So they saw George Foreman as like the enemy. | ||
| And Muhammad Ali played on that like a motherfucker. | ||
| He played on that like a motherfucker and realized that George had fucked up by bringing this German Shepherd with him to Africa. | ||
| And that's where the Ali, Bumbaye, Ali, Bumbaye. | ||
| A lot of that had to do with George Foreman walking around. | ||
| Now who else did Ali fight in Africa? | ||
| Just him. | ||
| Yeah, in the Philippines, he fought Joe Frazier. | ||
| Joe Frazier, the thrill in Manila. | ||
| Yep, the thrill in Manila. | ||
| That's the place where he pointed the gun on him from the bottom. | ||
| Joe Frazier was on his balcony and shit getting sun and Muhammad Ali said, Joe Frazier! | ||
| And he pointed like a stardust pistol at him. | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| Yeah, it's crazy. | ||
| You know, Muhammad Ali was crazy in a funny way. | ||
|
unidentified
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You know what I'm saying? | |
| Like he was crazy in a funny way. | ||
| Well, Zaire was, you know that video I showed you, James Brown? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| The first time I came on your podcast? | ||
| Dun-dun-dun-dun. | ||
| That's where the video was taken because it was George Foreman against Muhammad Ali. | ||
| Don King said, wait a second, I ain't stealing enough. | ||
| On this fight, I might as well get a musical performance, get a bunch of motherfuckers out here, steal from them too, and I just rob a bunch of black people all at once, right? | ||
| So he robbed, he got the Spinners, he got James Brown, he got all these black bands to go to fucking Zaire and perform as a music festival, Celia Cruz, he got the Fonny All-Stars, he got just all these black bands. | ||
| And what happened? | ||
| He probably just stiffed them and shit. | ||
| Probably just stiffed him, too. | ||
| He's like, I didn't make enough money. | ||
| They were going to cancel that fight. | ||
| Something was wrong with that fight. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| If you look it up, something happened. | ||
| It was going to get pushed back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| But he had the music already set up. | ||
| It's very interesting that they made a movie about it called Soul Power. | ||
| And that's Zai. | ||
| Who's the guy that sings Lovely Day? | ||
| Lovely Day. | ||
| Bill Withers. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Yeah, Bill Withers is in that movie. | ||
| Fucking tremendous. | ||
| They made a documentary about that fight, too, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| When We Were Kings. | ||
| Did you ever see that? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I watched it. | ||
| I watched pieces of it. | ||
| I never watched the whole thing. | ||
| Good? | ||
| Not bad. | ||
| know as much as you could watch those but there's a great picture of Muhammad Ali with Bill Withers you know the guy that sings all those great love songs you know I'm talking about Bill Withers and he's got his shirt off in Africa eating a fucking steak and eggs and Muhammad Ali's just dropping knowledge talking you know about the fight and Bill Withers is next to him and he won't look up he's just eating this fucking steak it's so yummy for your tummy he won't look up no shirt on Bill Withers fucking tremendous that was one of Don King's first fights Was it really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's apparently one of his first ventures, according to Wikipedia, as a professional boxing promoter. | ||
| And he managed to get Ali and Foreman to sign separate contracts saying they would fight for him if he could get a $5 million purse. | ||
| And then he took that and then he went to this other company. | ||
| He had to go to an outside country for the event because he didn't have the money. | ||
| So Zaire's president, ready for this name? | ||
| Tutu C.C. Seco asked if the fight could be held in his country and eager for the publicity for such a high-profile event, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| And they put together a bunch of different investment, different companies invested, some Panamanian investment company, British company, a bunch of different companies, and they all coughed up the cash and threw it together. | ||
| What a fucking fight that was, too. | ||
| That was a great fight. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| What a fucking fight that was. | ||
| That was one of Muhammad Ali's greatest performances ever because nobody thought he was going to win. | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| People don't understand what George Foreman was. | ||
| 71 or 72, brother? | ||
| 74. Wow. | ||
| People don't realize what a motherfucker George Foreman was back then. | ||
| He was a motherfucker. | ||
| He hit hard. | ||
| He hit hard, and he was like a silent Ali. | ||
| He didn't do a lot of talking, but he was just thugged to the max. | ||
| He was so dangerous. | ||
| When he fought Joe Frazier and picked him up with a punch, he hit Joe Frazier so hard he went up into the air. | ||
| He was just a different thing. | ||
| You know, Joe Frazier was no walk in the park either. | ||
| Fuck no, he wasn't. | ||
| Those are three dudes. | ||
| Those are some scary fucking heavyweights. | ||
| I think Joe Frazier's a really scary guy with that fucking left hook of his. | ||
| It hits you like a fucking bomb, one of that hook he had. | ||
| It was like a moving hook. | ||
| Yeah, he was tremendous. | ||
| It's hard to do that, like, to just come up like that, ba-ba-ba-bam! | ||
| He would throw his whole body into that hook. | ||
| His whole body. | ||
| I never see it. | ||
| Just fucking... | ||
| That hook that he knocked Muhammad Ali down with? | ||
| Oh, what a picture-perfect punch. | ||
| He would just swing into that thing. | ||
| Even if he knew it was coming. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even if he knew. | ||
| Once you saw him ducking like that, once you saw him taking that little step, that little crotch, whatever that's called. | ||
| He would do that shell, too, that Philly shell. | ||
| Where he put like one hand up, one hand down, and bobbing and weaving and coming in, whipping shots. | ||
| Joe Frazier was a motherfucker. | ||
| How sad was him? | ||
| We used to go to Philly. | ||
| We used to drive past his gym on the way in from the airport, that neighbor. | ||
| And he lived in his gym before he died. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, he went broke in the end. | ||
| Look, the amount of money that these guys make, for the time, look, they're talking about $5 million purses for Ali and Foreman. | ||
| If you had $5 million back then, that is a lot of goddamn money. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| You live like you got $5 million. | ||
| So you're buying fucking Cadillacs and paying for this and paying for that and meals here and jets there. | ||
| Next thing you know, $5 million doesn't even make it to the 80s. | ||
| And you know the brothers are showing up at the door. | ||
| My long lost motherfucking cousin and shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Listen, man, we got a venture. | ||
| And this motherfucker can't go wrong. | ||
| Barbershops in white neighborhoods. | ||
| First year, you're going to make 30% of your investment. | ||
| Second year, 60% of your investment. | ||
| And they just hit you with some crazy speech. | ||
| How many of those you ever had to deal with? | ||
| Three. | ||
| Oh, you get them all the time. | ||
| I had to deal with one recently. | ||
| Movies. | ||
| TV shows. | ||
| You get them constantly. | ||
| Just ear beatings. | ||
| And you sit there and you're like, why did I even come here? | ||
| Listen, man, I'm not a movie producer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All you have to do is give us a check and we'll do the rest. | |
| You don't have to do anything. | ||
| You don't have to worry about it. | ||
| Yes, I do. | ||
| I have to worry about it. | ||
| No, no, no, you don't have to worry about it. | ||
| No, no, I do have to worry about it. | ||
| If I give you money, I'm going to worry about it. | ||
| Get out of here with your crazy idea. | ||
| There's a reason why they have banks, okay? | ||
| Go to the bank. | ||
| If you have a really good idea and you have credit, go to the fucking bank. | ||
| If you don't have credit, I gotta assume somewhere along the line you've already made some poor fucking choices. | ||
| I don't want to be involved in that. | ||
| Everybody has this idea that they're going to figure out how to circumvent this time-honored system of Hollywood, and then we're going to get to Joe Diaz. | ||
| If I can get to Joe Diaz, I know Joe Diaz has been killing it on the road. | ||
| If he can give me just $2,000, and I can start this film, you know, Quentin Tarantino does his... | ||
| Kevin Smith made Clerks. | ||
| And they just think that all they need is a couple grand from Joey Diaz. | ||
| Joey, Joey, Joey, Joey. | ||
| You can't go wrong. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Nobody makes movies like me. | ||
| Okay, Joey? | ||
| They just don't want me in. | ||
| They don't want me in, Joey. | ||
| They don't want me in, Joey Diaz. | ||
| They want to keep me on the outside. | ||
| No, you get them for your time. | ||
| It's not even that you get them for money. | ||
| It's you get them for your time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at you, what you're living through. | ||
| You're busy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're swamped. | ||
| There's no more. | ||
| There's no more. | ||
| I keep telling people that and they get mad at me. | ||
| No, they don't understand. | ||
| When you have children, there's no schedule. | ||
| I can't count on my schedule, bro. | ||
| At 1020, she wouldn't get off my fucking lap watching one, two, three videos on YouTube. | ||
| At 1030, I went to pick her up. | ||
| Like, let's go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What were you fucking talking about? | ||
| I'll be back in a couple hours. | ||
| They don't know what the fuck that means. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking. | |
| You don't have no fucking idea what it is. | ||
| And I went to go into the room at 9.30 to get out of there. | ||
| I was going to get out of there early. | ||
| That little bitch opened the gate up. | ||
| I heard those stomping, and right there, there's no argument. | ||
| She just puts her hands up. | ||
| Got to pick her up. | ||
| Got to put YouTube on. | ||
| I got to sit there with her. | ||
| One, two, three, four, five. | ||
| You know, and then she, again, daddy, okay. | ||
| Well, the problem with people asking you to do things, too, is that you got to do this shit for yourself, okay? | ||
| The way to do it is not to go through other people and ask people to pick you up and help you. | ||
| That's not how it works. | ||
| It doesn't work that way. | ||
| Everybody thinks they're gonna figure out some fucking shortcut because they know you or they know this guy or that guy. | ||
| There's no shortcuts in creating something. | ||
| Just figure it out, bitch. | ||
| I love stand-up because there's one part of me that doesn't need anybody. | ||
| I need a notebook right here. | ||
| This is my tools for stand-up. | ||
| And a person. | ||
| I'll go to Bob's fucking coffee house on North Hollywood and do three minutes. | ||
| You know me. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| We talked about having a band, that somebody came on here and said that it was the toughest thing in the world for a band to stay together. | ||
| You got four people personalities, you know. | ||
| You get these people that come to you now, and I was breaking it down for you on the plane, and they'll say, hey, Joe, how you doing? | ||
| My name is this. | ||
| Read my script. | ||
| Do you like it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We're going to get $8 million. | ||
| And then you go, okay, when you get it, call me. | ||
| I really like this script. | ||
| Something you're interested in. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| Three days. | ||
| All of a sudden you do get a call in a year later and they say, hey, we're making a movie. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| We didn't get $2 million. | ||
| We got $200,000. | ||
| So instead of you getting $10,000 a week, you're going to get $100,000 a day. | ||
| And it's going to be a hit. | ||
| We're going to make it happen. | ||
| Nine out of ten, they run out of money for marketing and editing and the whole fucking thing, so your movie ends up in YouTube. | ||
| They don't have a legit schedule, so you have to work Saturdays and fucking Sundays. | ||
| Those people that are involved in those low-rent movies, too. | ||
| They're a fucking nightmare. | ||
| And it's their dream. | ||
| And I get it. | ||
| It's your dream. | ||
| But don't include me in this fucking thing. | ||
| Because you want me to do everything cheap, on my end, all the hours. | ||
| And it's your fucking dream. | ||
| If it's that much of your dream, do me a favor. | ||
| Forget the 200 Gs. | ||
| Go get another 300 Gs. | ||
| And make this fucking work. | ||
| Well, not only that, you can find other actors out there that will do it for cheap. | ||
| There's people out there that just want to act, sort of like a comic will go to an open mic night. | ||
| There's certain actors that just want to do something to put it on a reel. | ||
| Go find them. | ||
| There's a lot of talented people out there that are not working. | ||
| As far as acting goes, there's a lot of fucking people that can do it. | ||
| There's a lot of talented people. | ||
| I just have a problem with people asking you to help them do it. | ||
| I get it from comics all the time, too, just looking for a break. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You're not going to get a break from another comic. | ||
| The way you get breaks is by going on stage and being funny. | ||
| Go to an open mic night, be funny. | ||
| The club will say, hey, Joey Diaz, you're fucking funny. | ||
| We would like you to come here more often. | ||
| The audience really enjoyed you. | ||
| Next thing you know, some manager says, you know what, Joey Diaz? | ||
| You're really funny. | ||
| We would like to think about taking you on as a client. | ||
| And that's how it works. | ||
| A comic coming along is not going to make you funny. | ||
| And then the people that do that, they always have a distorted perception of how good they are already. | ||
| You know, those kids that are asking for a break, the kids that want you to help them, hey man, I just need a break, if I could do a guest set for you, it would really help them. | ||
| Like, that's not, you don't go to the Doug Stanhope show and ask for a fucking guest, although Doug will probably put you up. | ||
| Doug will push a plug and open micro on his first time on stage. | ||
| He'll do that in front of a crowd in Norway or something. | ||
| But that's Stan Hope. | ||
| You know... | ||
| It's not normal. | ||
| You have to do... | ||
| It's amazing what people... | ||
| We weren't like that, thank God. | ||
| We knew that this took work. | ||
| We knew that this wasn't going to happen in one night. | ||
| I was old enough already when I started, I was long in the tooth already, that I knew this was just not going to, you know, you just didn't walk on stage and things happen. | ||
| And people come here and they're called desperados, where they just do, they'll come up to you for a guest set, and you've got to ask them, what is this going to do for you? | ||
| How is this going to fucking change your life? | ||
| It's like I've never been too much of a hanger-outer. | ||
| I don't believe in that. | ||
| I never believe in that shit. | ||
| You know, I believe in doing a spot. | ||
| If I go to the comedy stores, I'm doing a fucking spot. | ||
| If I don't go to the improv, my name isn't on that list. | ||
| To hang out. | ||
| There's no... | ||
| For me, there's no... | ||
| No! | ||
| Because if you come up to Joe Rogan, Red Band, or Jamie and go, Hi, Jamie. | ||
| My name is Joey Dears. | ||
| I'm a fucking comic. | ||
| I'm a funny comic. | ||
| Jamie's going to say, Are you going up tonight? | ||
| Because we all want to watch you. | ||
| I love to laugh. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're funny. | ||
| Let's go. | ||
| No, I'm just here hanging out. | ||
| You ain't that fucking funny. | ||
| If you're not on the list, you ain't that fucking funny. | ||
| Or they don't know about you yet. | ||
| There's a possibility. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| There's certain people that go to the improv... | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And they'll tell you, dog, you gotta network. | ||
| What network? | ||
| You network on stage. | ||
| I network on stage. | ||
| When they laugh and I walk off, that's networking. | ||
| Well, not only that, when you're a comic, you're sort of like a fruit or a vegetable in that you're growing and then one day you're gonna be ripe. | ||
| And when you're gonna be ripe, everyone's gonna know about it. | ||
| People find out about you. | ||
| People found out about everybody. | ||
| They found out about you. | ||
| They found out about Hinchcliffe. | ||
| They found out about everybody. | ||
| You hear about Duncan. | ||
| Do you hear what's happening in China right now? | ||
| What's happening in China? | ||
| Ari's packing them in. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Every night. | ||
| And he goes, I can't believe it. | ||
| There's white people and UFC fans. | ||
| In China! | ||
| They're coming from Macau. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, they're not big rooms. | ||
| They're 120-seater, 100-seaters. | ||
| It's like coffee shops. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But we're on the internet. | ||
| This shit is worldwide. | ||
| This is worldwide. | ||
| Yeah, this is worldwide. | ||
| He can't believe it. | ||
| That there's fucking people walking around here going, we came to see you from Macau. | ||
| I can't believe it took people so long to figure it out. | ||
| Ari's a fucking genius. | ||
| He's a great comic. | ||
| It's just amazing that people have misled. | ||
| They think there's shortcuts. | ||
| When we got here, what was the shortcut? | ||
| If you get on The Tonight Show? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| How many people have gone to Tonight Show and have great success? | ||
| No one cares. | ||
| Oh, now it doesn't. | ||
| No, but back in the day, it meant something big. | ||
| Stephen Wright days? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You get on Letterman. | ||
| That's it, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're a fucking... | |
| Roseanne Barr. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Who you had on the show recently. | ||
| Went on. | ||
| You know who's a perfect example of a guy who paid his dues? | ||
| Who's just out there silently murdering? | ||
| Ian motherfucking Edwards. | ||
| Ian motherfucking Edwards. | ||
| People don't know. | ||
| Ian Edwards is one of the best comics in the country. | ||
| One of the very best. | ||
| Not like top 30. He's like top 20. Maybe even top 15. He's a murderer, dude. | ||
| He killed me the other night at the improv. | ||
| Killed me. | ||
| He's very subtle. | ||
| Subtle and perfect. | ||
| The jokes are perfect. | ||
| The perfect structure. | ||
| It's like he's got a perfect inflection. | ||
| Something. | ||
| He's slick and loose and relaxed on stage. | ||
| Sometimes I'm like, where's he going with this? | ||
| And he comes back with a left hook and just blasts me, dog, like Joe Frazier. | ||
| He's a killer, dude. | ||
| I like his voice because his voice kills me. | ||
| That's what I like about him. | ||
| His strength is how smooth he is. | ||
| He's got a new... | ||
| CD. Yeah, it's on... | ||
| CD, DVD. It's on Conan O'Brien's record label. | ||
| It's the first one. | ||
| It's called 100% Half-Assed. | ||
| It's really funny, man. | ||
| He's fucking really good right now. | ||
| I've known Ian since the 90s, dude. | ||
| I knew Ian in the early... | ||
| I think I knew him in 1990. So think about that. | ||
| 24 years. | ||
| Yeah, I've known that dude for 20... | ||
| At least 23. I know I knew him when I lived in New York. | ||
| And that was like... | ||
| I think I moved to New York in 91... | ||
| So I knew him from then. | ||
| What a sweet guy. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| Always been a great guy. | ||
| Always been a great guy. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| Can't say enough good shit about that dude. | ||
| And he's a vegan. | ||
| I don't even give a fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He is? | |
| Yeah, he's a vegetarian. | ||
| At the very least a vegetarian. | ||
| Dude's awesome. | ||
| So I got a shit in a cup on Friday. | ||
| So they sent me three of these. | ||
| I opened up the envelope the other day. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| What a segue, by the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I've done that. | |
| Shit in a cup? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, three different little kind of test tubes. | |
| You have to put pieces of poop in three different ones. | ||
| What's that for? | ||
| It's disgusting. | ||
| Why would I want to shit and mail it to somebody? | ||
| That's disgusting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What are they testing you for? | |
| Because they tested me for tapeworms from Bad Sushi. | ||
| No, everything. | ||
| I'm going in for the 50, and then the 4th, I've got to drink a potion for a day and vegetal. | ||
| Water, water, water, water. | ||
| Then Monday at 6 a.m., I go to Wilshire to see the Sinai. | ||
| They give me anesthesiologists. | ||
| They put a camera up my asshole. | ||
| They make sure there's nothing in there. | ||
| They pull it out. | ||
| And then you have to fart once. | ||
| Once you fart, you're good to go. | ||
| They let you go. | ||
| Have you ever had a dog that had worms? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Have you ever seen it in their poop? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| The white thing's moving around? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's awful. | |
| It's the weirdest thing ever, man. | ||
| I had a dog. | ||
| She had worms, and when she'd poop, you would see it cut out of her ass. | ||
| On the edge of her little booty hole, there'd be little worms twisting and tweaking around, and they'd fall off. | ||
| It was disgusting. | ||
| She had to get some anti-worm medication and kill everything that was inside of her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I thought my current dog had it. | |
| Because every time she shits, she wipes her ass. | ||
| After she shits, she just rubs her butt on the grass and then takes off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, oh, that means she has worms. | |
| Sometimes it's just an itchy butt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, she just doesn't. | |
| Doesn't your butt itch sometimes? | ||
| Once a dog figures out they can rub their ass on the carpet, that's got to be pretty goddamn dynamic. | ||
| They get those toes up in the air. | ||
| You know that move? | ||
| Like they're doing yoga. | ||
| And then they start fucking scooting that butt along with the little toesies up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does your cat just non-stop puke all the time? | |
| My cat is taken to this new habit of shitting in weird rooms in the house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's disgusting. | ||
| She's old. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's old. | |
| The cat is 18 years old. | ||
| She's really old. | ||
| They get dementia, too. | ||
| She doesn't know what's going on. | ||
| Yeah, they get dementia. | ||
| She mouths in the middle of the night. | ||
| In the middle of the night, she doesn't know where she is. | ||
| She just goes, meh! | ||
| Meow! | ||
| Meow! | ||
| And then you come out and you think she's dying. | ||
| You're like, why? | ||
| And she's like, meow! | ||
| And you're like, hey, fuckhead, don't be waking me up. | ||
| You're waking me up like you're screaming and yelling in the middle of the night. | ||
| You still love her? | ||
| You took her Instagram with her. | ||
| Yeah, she's a sweet cat. | ||
| That's sweet sometimes. | ||
| She's a sweet cat. | ||
| She's very needy, man. | ||
| Very needy. | ||
| If I want to get some work done, I'll sit down in my office. | ||
| Sometimes I have to put her out in the hallway because she'll just keep hopping in my lap. | ||
| I'm like, listen, bitch, I got to work. | ||
| But she looks at you like you're free massages. | ||
| She doesn't like anybody else in my house either because she doesn't like my little kids. | ||
| And she remembers my stepdaughter as a little kid too. | ||
| So she's no little kids. | ||
| She's like, get the fuck out. | ||
| Everybody out. | ||
| Out. | ||
| Everybody out. | ||
| She doesn't want to have nothing to do with kids. | ||
| So she just runs away from everybody in the house but me. | ||
| So when I'm not home, the bitch just hides. | ||
| She just hides. | ||
| She's like, where is this bitch? | ||
| Like, if I'm on the road for like five days, she's like, what the fuck is going on here? | ||
| Where is this asshole? | ||
| So as soon as I come home, it's meow, meow, meow. | ||
| Follow me around in circles. | ||
| She loves you. | ||
| I have a blackie that I love. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| What are you going to fuck it? | ||
| I've had her since she was a baby. | ||
| She was a little tiny kitten. | ||
| I got her from my sister. | ||
| My sister had a cat, and the cat got fucked by some wildcat. | ||
| They lived in the outside of Boston, like suburbs. | ||
| You call it the suburbs, but it's pretty rural. | ||
| They had coyotes and shit, and they had raccoons who would tear apart their trash, and they had wildcats, a lot of wildcats. | ||
| Feral cats were pretty common. | ||
| But they were people's pets. | ||
| You know, they were wild, but they weren't, you know, they weren't like dangerous wild cats, like farm cats. | ||
| They were just people who let their cats out. | ||
| The cats would go run around fucking. | ||
| So it was old school. | ||
| The cat gave birth in the middle of the kitchen. | ||
| They put it in a box, shit out some kittens, and she had all these kittens. | ||
| I took one of them. | ||
| And that's Spaz. | ||
| Here she is, 18 years later. | ||
| She's fine. | ||
| I think Mrs. Rogan probably wanted her dead a while ago. | ||
| Shitting in various spots of the house, but that cat ain't going nowhere. | ||
|
unidentified
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Mine's doing that also. | |
| That cat's like Mitzi Shore. | ||
| That cat ain't dying, dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She came to the comedy store the other day. | |
| Mitzi did? | ||
| Or my cat? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your cat. | |
| Meow, meow, meow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess she just came in. | |
| She stayed in the car, but she was... | ||
| I was alive and seemed like she was good enough to get in a car and stuff. | ||
| Did you see her? | ||
|
unidentified
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I didn't see her, but my friend Jost did. | |
| For young comics, if you find out that she's going to be there, just go there to stare at her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Go there to stare at one of the most important figures in the history of comedy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Draw her. | |
| Just go look at her. | ||
| Just so you can say, I saw Mitzi Shore in real life. | ||
| You should do that. | ||
| Because she ain't going to be here forever. | ||
| That lady's one of the most important figures ever in comedy. | ||
| If it wasn't for her... | ||
| I would have never, without a doubt, never been the same comedian. | ||
| I wouldn't be in this table. | ||
| I would have been gone by now. | ||
| I would have never been the same. | ||
| That lady, she threw me into the fire. | ||
| Trial by fire. | ||
| Every time there's anybody good at the comedy store, Martin Lawrence, when he's in his prime doing movies, guess who's going on after Martin Lawrence? | ||
| Right here, kid. | ||
| Going up there to eat a fat plate of dicks and learn how to do stand-up. | ||
| Put me behind Paul Mooney for a year time. | ||
| At midnight to really torment my life. | ||
| I did a lot of posts. | ||
| And Dom Herrera and AJ Jamal. | ||
| I give you all three his fucking props for destroying my fucking, breaking me down every night. | ||
| That's how I got back up by doing blow. | ||
| I would leave there depressed and have to do a fucking rock just to get back. | ||
| All right, I got another hope. | ||
| I got tomorrow night. | ||
| I look at who am I following? | ||
| Even if it wasn't AJ, whoever was in front of AJ would cancel and AJ would be in front. | ||
| It was a fucking nightmare, guys. | ||
| AJ Jamal was squeaky clean. | ||
| Squeaky clean. | ||
| God damn! | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Beautiful timing. | ||
| It was hard to go on after him. | ||
| Oh, it was like driving to jiu-jitsu. | ||
| You're going to die. | ||
| Why am I even doing this shit? | ||
| Why the fuck am I going here? | ||
| I'm just going to be on bottom and stuck all fucking day. | ||
| I'm not going to do dick. | ||
| By the way, I've got to ask you a question. | ||
| I know you don't watch it, but you gotta watch this shit because it's gonna affect you. | ||
| I watched that, uh, Real Sports with Buffer. | ||
| Bruce Buffer and his brother? | ||
| Yeah, the thing and the brother. | ||
| But did you see the story before that? | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| You didn't see it about the horses? | ||
| No. | ||
| How they're juicing. | ||
| If you think Vandalay and Chael would juice to the fucking nines. | ||
| You know how many horses died at Aqueduct Race Trail alone in January this year? | ||
| Just from steroids? | ||
| 26. Wow. | ||
| Well, that's what all those, like Equipoys, remember Equipoys, bodybuilders would take? | ||
| That is a horse steroid. | ||
| Equa is like equine. | ||
| It's about horses. | ||
| I remember people doing this. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Dudes and horse steroids. | ||
| My brother, look it up. | ||
| They're beyond aquatics. | ||
| They're giving them Deca de Roblin for Germans. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, bro. | ||
| 26 horses in one month. | ||
| Four weeks divided by 26. That's a lot. | ||
| And then, I'm watching this, and I had to go to the track. | ||
| I had to go to Santa Anita that Saturday for a kids thing. | ||
| They paint your face in the middle, and they put the kids on horses. | ||
| I was looking forward to them. | ||
| I'm like, you know what? | ||
| I ain't going. | ||
| I told my wife, I'm boycotting that shit on Saturday. | ||
| She goes, Joey, you got to go. | ||
| You already made commitments to kids. | ||
| I went up there. | ||
| Third race. | ||
| Fucking horse died. | ||
| Fucking horse died on the track and shit. | ||
| Heart attack? | ||
| Did it fall down? | ||
| Bro, they're dying on the track. | ||
| They're just juicing them. | ||
| To the gills. | ||
| To the gills, bro. | ||
| Speaking of juice to the gills, pull up that video that I put on my Twitter page yesterday about the strongman guy breaking his back. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| He didn't break his back. | ||
| Apparently he's okay. | ||
| Apparently he's okay. | ||
| His body failed in the middle of lifting what they call an atlas stone. | ||
| An atlas stone is like a globe. | ||
| Like a giant globe. | ||
| But it's a rock. | ||
| And it weighs like 300 plus pounds. | ||
| And this guy's hoisting this rock up onto these pedestals. | ||
| And he's in the middle of hoisting this rock up on the pedestal. | ||
| And I guess he blacked out from the strain. | ||
| I guess he was straining so hard that it was like he was getting choked. | ||
| Because he didn't have any oxygen in his brain. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's just... | |
| He falls down and this fucking huge boulder lands on him. | ||
| Look at this dude. | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| Look at the size of this fucking boulder. | ||
| He's hoisting it up. | ||
| Just trying to get it up there Call fucking 9-1-1 right now Why is that funny? | ||
| Why are you laughing at that? | ||
|
unidentified
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Because I won't watch the video, but I was watching Joey Diaz. | |
| We should have been on Joey the whole time. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| The guy's okay. | ||
| The guy's okay. | ||
| Everybody thought that he broke his back and that was the title of the video. | ||
| But apparently what happened was he just blacked out and really had nothing but cuts and bruises. | ||
| Even went on to finish the event. | ||
| Which is crazy, you know? | ||
| I don't know how the fuck the guy did it. | ||
| A 300-plus, whatever-the-fuck-it-is pound huge thing landed on his body. | ||
| I don't know how the hell you survived that. | ||
| Can I ask you some steroid questions? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Is DECA still relevant? | ||
| Do people still do all these steroids I talk about from the 80s, like Anavar and Winstrow? | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| If you're in bodybuilder circles, you know, it's not for MMA fighters. | ||
| What MMA fighters get popped for, more than anything... | ||
| It's testosterone. | ||
| Just because you can get regular testosterone now so easy. | ||
| There's so many people that are getting testosterone replacement therapy prescriptions. | ||
| It's gone up a hundred and something percent in the last three years. | ||
| Probably more. | ||
| Chiropractors are fucking making a killer. | ||
| Chiropractors? | ||
| They're the ones who do it the most. | ||
| They, what, prescribe testosterone? | ||
| What they do is they get a doctor in-house. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| You get some slug like a medical marijuana doctor. | ||
| He's retired. | ||
|
unidentified
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Slug. | |
| His wife hit the lottery. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever go to a medical marijuana doctor? | ||
| They're all over 60. They got one fitting gray, one of the banana peel. | ||
| They don't give a fuck. | ||
| They've already been sued 80 times. | ||
| What do they give a fuck? | ||
| You're not going to get sued for this shit. | ||
| Like that one guy that gives us the weed prescriptions? | ||
| That has that place in Hollywood. | ||
| But he's the best. | ||
| He's the best. | ||
| He's the one that shows up with you and fights the court and tells them to suck his dick. | ||
| Not only that, he went to jail. | ||
| Yeah, he went to jail. | ||
| That guy lost his practice and went to jail in the 90s. | ||
| He was one of the first adopters. | ||
| But, you know, what we talking about? | ||
| Oh, the chiropractic. | ||
| I didn't smoke, but I did eat a half a cookie. | ||
| I hear you, man. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| I did eat a little half a cookie. | ||
| Nothing wrong with it. | ||
| I'm a fan. | ||
| So, what you do is you partner up with a doctor. | ||
| You put her in the office. | ||
| You go upstairs. | ||
| You draw blood. | ||
| You come downstairs a week later. | ||
| You're low on testosterone. | ||
| Yeah, you need a real doctor to do that because you need to get all your... | ||
| If you're going to fuck around like that, you've got to get all your levels measured, your thyroid level measured, your IGF. No, no. | ||
| I mean, they're real doctors, Joe. | ||
| But do they know what they're doing? | ||
| Yeah, they do all the paperwork and you go upstairs with the test and then they read it to you. | ||
| They prescribe the blockers. | ||
| They prescribe everything all at once. | ||
| It's just you're working very closely with the chiropractor. | ||
| And the chiropractor is not some guy who walks around with sandals. | ||
| This guy is 6'6", 292 pounds, fucking 90%. | ||
| Yeah, if I show you this chiropractor, you're going to go, oh yeah. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's the man, that motherfucker. | ||
| You know. | ||
| Chiropractors, that's a very controversial science, if you want to call it a science, practice. | ||
| Some people believe it wholeheartedly, some people think it's total horseshit. | ||
| Have you sat with them for a while? | ||
| They'll sell it to you. | ||
| I got a good chiropractor. | ||
| I have a good friend that's a chiropractor. | ||
| But he has a bunch of things in his office that I also like. | ||
| He has a really good massage therapist. | ||
| He works on stretching with people. | ||
| He's big on posture. | ||
| A lot of things that I know about posture come from him. | ||
| He explains it in some no bullshit terms. | ||
| And he also explains your whole... | ||
| When people stand, this is what's wrong with slumping. | ||
| I always thought slumping just looked sloppy. | ||
| He goes, no, it's putting undue pressure on certain areas of your spine. | ||
| Your spine, when you sit up straight and you stand up straight, your spine supports itself in a straight line. | ||
| But any time you move head forward, you're putting all this pressure at an uneven point, like in the middle of your back. | ||
| Essentially, we're supposed to be like dogs. | ||
| We're supposed to be walking on all fours. | ||
| There's a reason why most chimps walk on all fours and they don't have back aches. | ||
| It's a better way of moving. | ||
| When human beings start standing up, Apparently the flaws in the design of the back began to surface. | ||
| We're not done yet. | ||
| Eventually the body as it stands right now with the back issues that most people have from picking things up, most likely the body is going to evolve over the course of the next million years or so. | ||
| There will probably be a much stronger version of a back in the future. | ||
| Now, the kettlebell training has helped your back? | ||
| Oh yeah, for sure. | ||
| Because it says, it basically says about people's backs, when you start kettlebell training, your back becomes, they use this word, resilient. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you get muscle. | ||
| Look, if you feel someone's back, if you go and feel the actual back muscles themselves, if you have more, stronger back muscles supporting your spine, it just makes sense. | ||
| If you practice proper posture, And you have more muscle and stronger muscle supporting the core of your body. | ||
| Then you can resist movement, unexpected movement, like, say, like, in jiu-jitsu class or something like that, if, like, you get yanked to the side, back and forth. | ||
| The stronger your core is, the more you're protected from that. | ||
| You know, like, if you roll with a guy who's got a really strong core, like judo guys, specifically, you can't move those fuckers around, man. | ||
| Their core is so goddamn strong. | ||
| So if you're trying to, like, Lean against their core, compress their core to like either flip them over or to sweep them. | ||
| Their core is so goddamn strong. | ||
| It's like their pillar, what connects their body together is just, you can't get through that fucking thing. | ||
| Wrestlers, same thing, especially Greco-Roman guys. | ||
| Their upper body and their core are so fucking strong from throwing bodies around all the time. | ||
| And that's sort of what kettlebells mimic. | ||
| Throwing things. | ||
| Picking things up. | ||
| Hoisting things with momentum. | ||
| All that stuff that all builds core. | ||
| That all builds what everybody likes to call core. | ||
| But people do sit-ups and leg lifts and shit. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here with that. | ||
| You don't need that. | ||
| You need heavy kettlebells. | ||
| Swing those motherfuckers and press them and do windmills. | ||
| That's where you get strong core. | ||
| If I want to keep my weight low, do I increase the weight, dog, or increase the reps? | ||
| Work. | ||
| Increase the work. | ||
| Stay with the 45 you gave me. | ||
| Listen, you can do 45 pounds for an hour or you can do 55 pounds for 40 minutes. | ||
| It's all in how much you put in versus how much you get out. | ||
| As far as for health benefits... | ||
| When you go heavy, the problem is you risk injuries. | ||
| When you go like 55 pounds, 70 pounds, 90 pounds, that gets a little squirrely because you're hoisting a lot of goddamn weight and you're carrying it in all these fibers and tissues, you're straining. | ||
| When you're doing like 55 pounds or 45 pounds, not that much weight so you can get in a lot of reps and you get exhausted. | ||
| Okay, that's what I do. | ||
| I get to the point where at the end my form sucks. | ||
| Once my form starts to suck, I tap out. | ||
| That's at 14... | ||
| I try to do 10 sets of swings infinitively, you know, times 12. Sometimes I'll do 9 and I'll rest a minute. | ||
| I'm on a minute timer. | ||
| Then I do another 14, 16. Then I rest a minute, another 12, 15. I go with my body. | ||
| Once I do 10 of those 45s, I do the single ones, and I do 15 of those. | ||
| Like seven in one hand, I switch it to eight in the other, and vice versa. | ||
| Still with a minute. | ||
| By the time I get to the 14th one, I can feel my form starting to fade. | ||
| That's when it's over. | ||
| I pick up the 235. And I walk around the block like I can't take it no more. | ||
| Like a pharma workout? | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| Just with my posture. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's a great workout. | ||
| Listen, I read extensively. | ||
| I hang out with you. | ||
| I have a friend who has a coach, and he goes, the thing about kettlebells is for a guy that's 50, the less is the better, but go with your body. | ||
| Go with what it tells you. | ||
| So they started a program at his place now, five days a week, kettlebells, 20 minutes a day. | ||
| You're guaranteed 10 pounds in one month. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I just haven't been able to do it on the road Thursday, Friday, Saturday. | ||
| But I'm home the next three weeks and I'm going to work on it. | ||
| I'm going to go in there. | ||
| You can either go at night or in the morning. | ||
| 20 minutes. | ||
| It's great work. | ||
| It's great work for your body. | ||
| When you do it, it combines... | ||
| All the benefits that you get from lifting weights with all the benefits that you get from doing cardio. | ||
| You can get it all together in one move. | ||
| It's just you're forcing your body to do shit. | ||
| And if you do, you know, the workout that you're talking about right there, that's a good workout. | ||
| That's a good workout. | ||
| It's a very good workout. | ||
| And then I like how you're ending with the farmer's walks. | ||
| I open up with the farmer's walk. | ||
| That's a good way to warm up, too. | ||
| And I end with the farmer's walk infinitively. | ||
| I walk, I put them down, I rest a minute, pick them up, and just walk as much as I can. | ||
| Sometimes I make it to... | ||
| Burbank Boulevard. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why not? | |
| It's 10 o'clock at night. | ||
| I'm not doing nothing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why not? | |
| If somebody comes to mug you, ba-bang! | ||
| And I like doing them. | ||
| Bro, in the mornings, I park my car in front of my house, go in my trunk. | ||
| I got the kettlebells in my trunk. | ||
| I got two boxing gloves. | ||
| I got shin guards. | ||
| I got a yoga mat. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Because sometimes I'll go to fucking North Hollywood Park. | ||
| That's where I think I killed my meniscus, was at North Hollywood, because I'd walk that thing and then do the kettlebells. | ||
| And they got that one hot corner over there that's always 150 degrees. | ||
| I don't know what it is about Hollywood Park that's beautiful. | ||
| The walk is beautiful, but there's a dip where the sun, even at night, it shines. | ||
| Even at night, the sun shines there. | ||
| And it is fucking 140 in that corner. | ||
| But yeah, I carry. | ||
| I like to do the kettlebells outside. | ||
| When I do them inside, I get anxiety. | ||
| I get hot. | ||
| I can't breathe. | ||
| I do them outside under the sun. | ||
| I blast them out like from 9, 15 to 10 o'clock. | ||
| I'm done for the day, dog. | ||
| My body's burning shit all day. | ||
| You know what I just got for my kettlebell? | ||
| What? | ||
| A bowling ball carry-on bag for an airplane. | ||
| Because you can carry 50 pounds. | ||
| You take 50 pounds with you and check it. | ||
| So they check this fucking cannonball. | ||
| I throw it in there. | ||
| The TSA's going to shit their pants. | ||
| They try to pick up this little bag. | ||
| It's that big. | ||
| It weighs 50 pounds. | ||
| That's a great fucking idea, man. | ||
| Yeah, check it. | ||
| You just check it. | ||
| They get mad at you, but whatever. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| I'll bring a 35. I don't need a 55. I'll bring a 35. Yeah, a 35 is good. | ||
| Look at that Keith Weber kettlebell cardio workout that they sell it on. | ||
| 35 pounds. | ||
| You do it. | ||
| It's a tremendous workout. | ||
| You just keep going. | ||
| He just keeps going. | ||
| Just over and over again. | ||
| In the beginning, the first couple minutes, it's kind of easy. | ||
| But then you get five minutes in, six minutes in, you're like, oh, shit. | ||
| You realize you got to do this for 40 fucking minutes? | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Things you think would be easy, like a clean press with 35 pounds, it's nothing, right? | ||
| Not when you're exhausted. | ||
| When you're exhausted, when you keep going, your legs are on fire, the next day you'll barely be able to touch your toes. | ||
| So you can travel with one of those, throw that video on, and have a great workout. | ||
| But for most people... | ||
| The most important thing is just building up slow. | ||
| Don't try to get it all... | ||
| Like, I haven't worked out in five years, so today I'm fucking running the mountain. | ||
| I'm going to do... | ||
| No! | ||
| No! | ||
| Go light. | ||
| Do a little bit of work today, but be consistent. | ||
| That's the key. | ||
| Be consistent. | ||
| Like, a little bit of work one day, relax, rest, a little bit more workout the next day, relax, rest, chart your progress, and then what you said. | ||
| Listen to your body. | ||
| Look, I could finally do a technical get-up. | ||
| A Turkish getup? | ||
| No, a technical getup in jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I could finally do it after a year of practicing in hotel rooms. | ||
| Five a day, I would do it on my right side. | ||
| You know I'm a nut, though. | ||
| You do know I'm retarded. | ||
| People know that. | ||
| I'm a little stupid. | ||
| I'm geeky. | ||
| I don't like being bad at something. | ||
| And since we got the comedy work ethic, I know that you could turn anything in life into something if you just keep showing up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you just, you know, like for me, jujitsu has been, I suck, Joe, but I can finally do the whole gym hip escape. | ||
| That fucking, I'm a black belt of hip escapes. | ||
| To me, today, that's what I do. | ||
| I'm a hip escape expert. | ||
| That's what I work on, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hippos games are huge. | ||
| Bro, fuck. | ||
| And when you learn how to do it for six months, I didn't know what I was doing. | ||
| And then Salami taught me sometimes. | ||
| Alders taught me a different. | ||
| And I put it all together on my shoulder. | ||
| And now at least I can pick up my ass and push it all the way back. | ||
| For me, those are the little things, you know. | ||
| I wish I was better. | ||
| But I know if I keep going to jiu-jitsu twice a week. | ||
| Which is what my body can handle. | ||
| Eventually, I'll get somebody on the bar. | ||
| Eventually, because I got funny with comedy. | ||
| I was no fucking Slip Magoo in the beginning. | ||
| Slip Magoo or whatever. | ||
| I just kept showing up, dog. | ||
| You just got to keep showing the fuck up. | ||
| That's half a life. | ||
| That's half a life. | ||
| And who gives a fuck how long... | ||
| I'm not looking for a black belt. | ||
| I'm not even looking to go to beat nobody up. | ||
| I'm just looking to go to learn how to do a Turkish get-up. | ||
| I could do with 10 pounds, a Turkish get-up. | ||
| I'm up to this point where I put my arm down, I put my knee up, and I just go up to my elbow and I go down. | ||
| I do 10 of those, bro. | ||
| Bop! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bop! | |
| I don't even go, but I've been doing it for eight months, kettlebells. | ||
| Ten pounds, Turkish getup, bitch, but I'm still doing it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| What would happen if I would have took 35 pounds? | ||
| You know me, dog. | ||
| I wouldn't be here right now. | ||
| My shoulder would be in my fucking earlobe. | ||
| But at least I know this going in because of comedy. | ||
| Because of the lesson I got from comedy. | ||
| That it don't matter, dog. | ||
| Just keep showing up. | ||
| Yeah, but nobody laughs. | ||
| Dog. | ||
| Keep showing up. | ||
| Some people, you tell them, stay home. | ||
| Some people should stay home. | ||
| You know what, man? | ||
| For some people, it's like me. | ||
| When we did comedy, there was eight people who had a chance. | ||
| There was another six who were funny, but they had day jobs because they were married or had children. | ||
| Then you had two people who did it as a hobby that every once in a great while they drove to a gig. | ||
| And then you got three people that just had mental health issues. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They showed up every week, and they were nice enough, but you knew there was something wrong there. | ||
| And for them, it was the way this is for me with jujitsu. | ||
| For them, they're not looking to be on NBC. All they want to do is one time in their life, make somebody laugh. | ||
| How special is that? | ||
| It's huge. | ||
| And they go down there, and you miss those guys. | ||
| I miss those guys from my scenes in Seattle, even here. | ||
| In LA, there's people that you see them, and they're a pleasure to talk to because they don't want an agent. | ||
| They don't want to be on movies. | ||
| They're just having fun. | ||
| They work at Universal City in the daytime as the Hulk. | ||
| There's very few of those who would appreciate that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I respect that! | |
| I respect that, man! | ||
| But there's very few of those. | ||
| Most of those guys have dreams that just never manifested themselves. | ||
| But a lot of them... | ||
| Never materialized. | ||
| I met a lot of guys that, bro, they were proud of their job. | ||
| They just thought somewhere in their life that they could be a stand-up and they just didn't want to die without trying it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then they did it, and they become addicted. | ||
| How many people go to jiu-jitsu? | ||
| It becomes addicting. | ||
| Yeah, stand-up definitely becomes addicting. | ||
| Stand-up becomes addicting. | ||
| It becomes addicting, bro. | ||
| And it's like addicts, where you see those guys that are scrambling outside, they can't wait to get on stage. | ||
| And, like, even guys who are bad, they'll see a guy who's up there killing, like you, be up there killing, like, man, he's supposed to only be doing 15 minutes. | ||
| Motherfuckers are 20 minutes. | ||
| Like, what do you care? | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| You're going to go up after Joey Diaz? | ||
| What are you going to do? | ||
| You're an open-miker and you're upset. | ||
| They think somehow or another, I'm on the non-paid regular list. | ||
| Bitch, you're not getting up until 2 in the morning. | ||
| You know how it works. | ||
| This is what you do. | ||
| I was a non-paid regular. | ||
| You get up after everybody else. | ||
| That's what you do. | ||
| If there's anybody left. | ||
| How fucking crazy is that? | ||
| People should know this. | ||
| You were on a TV show. | ||
| And you were a non-pay regular, which by law, if you're on a TV show, you're allowed to go in there and bump bitches. | ||
| Give them the bell, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Well, not only that, I showed up every night. | ||
| Every night. | ||
| I was there every night. | ||
| That was the biggest lesson I learned about this whole thing from you. | ||
| It was news radio. | ||
| On Fridays, you got there at 11 in the morning. | ||
| Wardrobe, stupidity, laughter, food, and then at 8 o'clock you shoot. | ||
| You'd be strolling in there at fucking 11.30, bro. | ||
| I respect you for that. | ||
| To this day, that meant more to me. | ||
| And you didn't need it. | ||
| It was $15. | ||
| It's not like you had 19 kids and you needed the 15 fucking dollars. | ||
| I'll tell you the truth. | ||
| Being passed as a paid regular at the Comedy Store meant more to me than getting on a TV show. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| When I was on a TV show, when I was on news radio, one of the things I love about you coming to visit me is like, finally, there's another motherfucker that doesn't belong here. | ||
| Because I was I was always wandering around like one day they're gonna tell me to get the fuck off TV But until now somehow or another I'm on TV. So Joey would show up. | ||
| I'd be like Come here, man. | ||
| Hey, come here. | ||
| Let me show you what this is. | ||
| This is where they keep the food Wander around the set Joey would show up at the set and Joey be sitting they had an executives VIP suite and the VIP suite they had shrimp cock Oh | ||
| my god. | ||
| You're like, is that your friend? | ||
| Can I ask you something? | ||
| Has there ever been a week that you caught yourself after a couple days and you've gone, fuck, why am I in such a bad mood? | ||
| And you're like, I gotta get on stage. | ||
| Well, definitely. | ||
| I do it all the time, guys. | ||
| Like, I fucking go frantic. | ||
| Like, for two nights I go, I'm gonna stay in and write. | ||
| I'm gonna be George Carlin. | ||
| He needs to go out. | ||
| By fucking Thursday, I'm salivating. | ||
| By Thursday morning, I wake up with that fucking... | ||
| And also I'm on the Flappers website. | ||
| I'm on the Ice House website. | ||
| I'm looking for a spot, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I don't call in no way. | ||
| I'm just looking, you know? | ||
| Well, it's a fucking, it's definitely an addiction. | ||
| Definitely, definitely. | ||
| It's a positive addiction. | ||
| Yes, definitely. | ||
| And the more addicted you, like right now, I'm super addicted. | ||
| Sure, you got big things going on. | ||
| You got that thing in August. | ||
| Yeah, I got my special that I'm going to record in August. | ||
| Tickets still haven't been on sale for it yet, but it's going to be at the Comedy Works in Denver. | ||
| And I'm doing it in the little club, the downtown club. | ||
| That's ferocious. | ||
| It's like a den of thieves. | ||
| I'm so geared up for this. | ||
| I can't fucking wait. | ||
| But you're back to day one, which I understand. | ||
| You're writing again. | ||
| You're looking at little words now. | ||
| And that gets you fired up all over again. | ||
| That really does. | ||
| Well, I'm just, right now, I've never been more excited about stand-up than right now. | ||
| I'm so into it. | ||
| About all the other things that I do. | ||
| I love working for the UFC. I love it. | ||
| I love doing podcasts. | ||
| But stand-up right now is my motherfucker. | ||
| I'm just enjoying it so much. | ||
| I'm enjoying watching it. | ||
| I'm enjoying doing it. | ||
| I'm enjoying writing it. | ||
| I'm excited about it. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's a fun time, you know? | ||
| And the Ice House, man, the Ice House has helped me a lot. | ||
| Having that place where we perform there on a regular basis, having such a cool staff and everybody's... | ||
| And Bob, the owner, just being such a good guy. | ||
| It's got such a good vibe. | ||
| And these shows that we've been... | ||
| We've got a show there tonight. | ||
| These shows that we do there, they're so fucking fun. | ||
| Tonight's Ian Edwards, Brian Callen, Tony Hinchcliffe, Sam Tripoli, me. | ||
| We're going to murder that thing. | ||
| That place is a special, like... | ||
| Like a magnet for fun. | ||
| There's a lot of fun times. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| It's good times up there. | ||
| It's everything that the Comedy Store used to be, but positive. | ||
| There's no negativity there. | ||
| There's no darkness that hovers over the place. | ||
| It's not the same, but we're at different times in our life. | ||
| And what was good about the Comedy Store when I was 25 is not good about the Comedy Store now. | ||
| I don't want that nonsense in my life anymore. | ||
| But what's good about the Ice House is all the good things, like an old comedy club with a lot of history, but none of the pretentiousness, none of the bullshit, not stuck on sunsets or dickwads come over from the Sky Bar, all that. | ||
| All the element that you get in Hollywood, that extra dickwad fucking actor element, you don't get that in Pasadena. | ||
| Pasadena's just all positive. | ||
| Let me tell you something, man. | ||
| I'm doing the Ice House next weekend. | ||
| With Dom Herrera. | ||
| And I just called him. | ||
| This is the truth, guys. | ||
| We were talking the other day on the phone, and I had the computer open. | ||
| And something, I go, let me see if he's got a recent set to see what he's doing. | ||
| With Dom Herrera? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Always writing. | ||
| And dog, I put the set on from Rodney. | ||
| And I gotta be honest with you, I had tears going down my eyes. | ||
| I was so proud of myself. | ||
| It was so, like, I remember watching that fucking special and just getting anxiety from going, Jesus, I'll never be that fucking good. | ||
| Like... | ||
| My God. | ||
| Not as a comic, but even as a human being. | ||
| Like, here I am in a halfway house watching this fucking tape of him and Bill Hicks and Dice and God knows who else is on that. | ||
| Lenny Clark. | ||
| You know, I loved Lenny Clark from the beginning. | ||
| Lenny Clark's awesome. | ||
| And I'm like, I'll never be this good to be. | ||
| And here I am next weekend. | ||
| I'm at the fucking ice house with Don Barrera. | ||
| Co-headlining. | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| I mean, are you fucking serious? | ||
| That means more than any movie, because I remember that dream. | ||
| A couple weeks ago, I'm in Austin, Texas, at the bar having a salad. | ||
| And who comes up and gives me a hug? | ||
| Joe Torre. | ||
| Listen, man. | ||
| Joe Torre used to have a routine on Def Jam. | ||
| Where he used to talk about, yeah, I got a brother that's one of them saved the whale motherfuckers. | ||
| Not me. | ||
| I love killing a motherfucker. | ||
| I just bought a gun. | ||
| I can't wait to use it. | ||
| In fact, I go to the ATM every night with a tuxedo on and shit. | ||
| Do you know how many times I fucking watched that stupidity, that fucking BET All-Stars and Dom Herrera's, I sat there for hours going, what a shame. | ||
| I'll never be in that, not in this lifetime. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have to come back as a decent human being and You reborn as a decent human being. | |
| You're a very decent human being. | ||
| No, not at that time when I'd be watching that shit. | ||
| I'd go, okay, so maybe if I do this for 20 years, I might be a little funny, but I'll never be as Joe Torre. | ||
| And every time I see Joe Torre, I tell him the same thing. | ||
| I'm going to get a motherfucking tuxedo. | ||
| I'm going to go down to the ATM at midnight and shit. | ||
| It's just very weird at times what's going on right now. | ||
| Do you see people? | ||
| Well, it's awesome. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| It's awesome to see the culmination of years and years of work. | ||
| For me, it's beautiful because I got to see you really early on. | ||
| I mean, I got to see you. | ||
| You had only been doing comedy like a couple of years when I first met you. | ||
| Six years. | ||
| It was a mess. | ||
| You were six years in when I met you? | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| I started in 91, 92. But when you came to the Comedy Store, that's when you got real serious, right? | ||
| Mitzi Shaw touches you. | ||
| You got no choice. | ||
| You did Denver and Seattle. | ||
| Those are the two spots. | ||
| Seattle was where the lights got turned on. | ||
| And Denver, I was just going up. | ||
| It's like jujitsu now. | ||
| I just go there. | ||
| Fucking around. | ||
| And if he lets me grab his collar, I grab his collar. | ||
| If he takes me down, so be it. | ||
| If I get him down, wow. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, oh my God. | ||
| Now what do I do? | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| That's what comedy was for me in Denver. | ||
| But then I started doing time. | ||
| I started doing like 24 minutes. | ||
| And then this opportunity came up in Seattle, so I went to Seattle. | ||
| And Seattle was where there was an open mic. | ||
| There was 18 comics on open mic on Mondays and Tuesdays. | ||
| There was another open mic after that open mic and another open mic after that open mic. | ||
| And then Tuesday, there was another open mic. | ||
| And these were all decent places. | ||
| In Denver, I had a guy in the head with a microphone in Denver one time because he was flicking bottle caps at the comics. | ||
| Me and Dave Testro. | ||
| If I still see Dave Testro today, he'll go, what's happening, killer? | ||
| Because I fucking hit this guy in the head with the microphone batteries went everywhere. | ||
| You know me, dog. | ||
| I told him, if you flick one fucking thing up here, I'm going to break this microphone over your fucking head. | ||
| What did he do with his buddy? | ||
| Click. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bang! | |
| God, bing! | ||
| They gave me 25-buck gift certificate on how to get the fuck out of it, and I took my steak to go. | ||
| I'm going to forget that. | ||
| In Denver, you had no comedy on Mondays. | ||
| I had the Australian Bar in Boulder, which does not exist there anymore. | ||
| On Tuesdays, I had Wendy, three minutes. | ||
| You got twice a month, three minutes at the Comedy Works in those days. | ||
| Wednesdays, you had Club 52. Thursdays, you had El Torito. | ||
| By John Elway's up there. | ||
| By John Elway's in Englewood, Colorado. | ||
| Cherry Hill! | ||
| All the way up there. | ||
| El Torito. | ||
| As soon as you got off to I-70, and on Friday and Saturday you were an open mic, you had Dick. | ||
| You know how many fucking places I had in Seattle on a Friday night? | ||
| You know how many places you had on a Wednesday night? | ||
| You had Tacoma. | ||
| You had Seattle. | ||
| You had Everett. | ||
| You had Bellingham on Sundays. | ||
| What place had more comics? | ||
| I think Seattle. | ||
| Seattle, you know, just the core. | ||
| It was me, Brody, Josh Wolf, Aisha Taylor went through there. | ||
| You know, I knew a lot. | ||
| Well, they were in San Francisco. | ||
| So I knew a lot of those people at the festivals and at the comedy competition. | ||
| And Denver had, you know, Steve McGrew, Todd Jordan. | ||
| They had some hitters, too. | ||
| But the open mic scene wasn't that strong. | ||
| It was very... | ||
| In Denver or Seattle? | ||
| Denver. | ||
| But there was one guy, his name was Andy Payton. | ||
| He was a fucking deadhead, tremendous guy. | ||
| He's a mayor of a town. | ||
| He ran for politics. | ||
| He was a genius. | ||
| He went to all these bars. | ||
| And he got a night at each bar. | ||
| They paid him a little bit. | ||
| Every night you got a little bit. | ||
| 20 bucks, 10 bucks, 30 bucks. | ||
| But at least you got to go on stage. | ||
| Andy Payton also sold advertising and put on a newspaper. | ||
| I give a lot of credit to my career, to Andy, to you, and to Mitzi Short, but Andy Payton Believed in me the way Dick Doherty believed in you. | ||
| Because he didn't give a fuck that I was dirty. | ||
| But that motherfucker threw me. | ||
| Bro, on Sundays he goes, I'll give you 50 bucks. | ||
| But you gotta follow a line dancing class. | ||
| In Colorado, Jack, achy breaky heart, bitch. | ||
| And I'd be the first comic up after achy breaky heart. | ||
| You wanna talk about hate? | ||
| You wanna talk about no laughter? | ||
| But he'd give me 50 bucks on Sunday. | ||
| And in those days, on Sundays at 7, I used to drop my daughter off. | ||
| And as soon as I slammed the door, I'd just go into tears. | ||
| And I'd get on the 70 and I'd smoke a joint. | ||
| By the time I'd get to the gig, I'd be brand fucking new. | ||
| And I'd go on that stage just to die. | ||
| It was like a day of dying. | ||
| It was like five hours with my daughter. | ||
| Then I took their abuse and then I would go to this bar in fucking Arvada. | ||
| You've never even been to Arvada. | ||
| I've been to Arvada. | ||
| Oh, you see the sign? | ||
| That's where Dwayne Ludwig is from. | ||
| Okay, Arvada. | ||
| And I'd have to do this fucking country bar on Sunday nights. | ||
| Andy Payton was a genius, bro. | ||
| He had two of those weeks. | ||
| So he would call you and go, you got the whole week. | ||
| Monday. | ||
| And I'm talking Monday through Sunday. | ||
| 40, 30. There weren't two-hour drives. | ||
| There were just dump bars in Denver. | ||
| Way before the stadium went up. | ||
| This is when that shit was a shithole down there. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And the comedy works told him, you're not allowed in here because you're on competition. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So he said, really? | ||
| I'm going to teach you motherfuckers a lesson. | ||
| He spanked them for about a year and a half, dog. | ||
| But then he moved. | ||
| He went to one of those small towns, and he became the mayor. | ||
| He became a mayor? | ||
| A mayor. | ||
| Now he's on Facebook, and I think I went back and forth with him at one time. | ||
| I thanked him. | ||
| He says he still does comedy once a month in his town. | ||
| He went to like a town. | ||
| Imagine the mayors doing stand-up in your town. | ||
| Can you be a mayor for a long time? | ||
| Is there term limits on being a mayor? | ||
| No, because the mayor from North Bergen, Mayor Sacco, has been there fucking at least fucking 10 years, 12 years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's see. | |
| Term limits on mayor. | ||
| There's no term limits on Supreme Court justices, right? | ||
| Something that people don't like. | ||
| It's different in places. | ||
| In Ohio and Cincinnati, the term limit is two successive four-year terms. | ||
| It's different in different places, apparently. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| That's got to be a thankless fucking job. | ||
| Being the mayor of a town. | ||
| Trying to keep everybody in order. | ||
| There's crime in this town, mayor! | ||
| What do you want me to do? | ||
| What the fuck are we going to do? | ||
| I'm going to stop the crime? | ||
| I'm going to stop people from stealing shit? | ||
| Do what the mayor did in my town in Jersey. | ||
| Put cameras up around the city. | ||
| That's semi-communism why I fucking come from, dawg. | ||
| Cameras on you. | ||
| In the city? | ||
| On the street? | ||
| Well, you know Camden. | ||
| You know, Camden doesn't have police officers anymore. | ||
| Camden is so broke, there's just rampant crime police officers. | ||
| So you know what they did? | ||
| They just put cameras up everywhere. | ||
| Everywhere. | ||
| It's some Robocop shit. | ||
| They're like living in the future. | ||
| I got a secret for you motherfuckers. | ||
| I knew Camden was the real deal in 1978. I couldn't believe what I had saw. | ||
| What'd you say? | ||
| I saw anarchy. | ||
| I've been robbed one time on the street in a drug deal. | ||
| One time in my life did I get robbed on the street in a drug deal. | ||
| I was in Camden, New Jersey. | ||
| They don't fuck around in Camden, bro. | ||
| Pensauken, Camden, that's a complete different world. | ||
| I got robbed for a pound of coke, a pound of weed. | ||
| I had to go answer the people that gave me money, investors. | ||
| I had to go pay these people back and sell weed. | ||
| I had to do what I had to do. | ||
| I fucked up, but they robbed me, man. | ||
| They set me to fuck up. | ||
| Camden is the poorest city in the country, and it has the highest rate of murder in the country. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| They got no cops on the street. | ||
| It's animals. | ||
| Camden, motherfucking New Jersey. | ||
| Camden, New Jersey. | ||
| We played them one year in basketball, and Dennis Still, I'll never forget, there's a coach in our high school that's in a wheelchair. | ||
| He got paralyzed. | ||
| Dennis still went up to him and spit in his fucking face, dog, in high school. | ||
| When you spit in a handicapped dude's face, you ain't fucking around. | ||
| You want to hear a crazy crime statistic? | ||
| Camden, New Jersey has a crime rate of 78% per 1,000 residents. | ||
| So for every 1,000 residents, 78% of them are going to experience crime. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| 78%. | ||
| That's like, how much crime do you experience in Burbank? | ||
| 0%? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He got robbed by Dracula, this fucking guy. | |
| Yeah, but he was probably really loud and outside. | ||
| Who mugged you a midget with a water pistol? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A black wizard. | |
| A black wizard. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| I knew Camden. | ||
| I had never seen anything like that. | ||
| Then I had a buddy. | ||
| A basketball player buddy that was from Pensauken, and I went down to visit his family once, and I left there with my fucking jaw dropped. | ||
| And I knew not to go back down there. | ||
| I read all these canon statistics now, and I'm like, no shit. | ||
| That place was the edge of hell 30 fucking years ago. | ||
| I can't imagine what it is now. | ||
| Yeah, Matt Taibbi wrote an article about it. | ||
| I'm tweeting it right now. | ||
| He wrote an article about Camden saying, it's called Apocalypse New Jersey, a dispatch from America's most desperate town. | ||
| No jobs, no hope, and surveillance cameras everywhere. | ||
| The strange, sad story of Camden. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the population? | |
| That's a good question. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What if it's like 14 people? | |
| No, there's a lot of fucking people there. | ||
| What surrounds Camden, brother? | ||
| Take a look for your Uncle Joey. | ||
| There's a lot of shit around New Jersey. | ||
| It's near Atlantic City, isn't it? | ||
| Right, right, right, right. | ||
| I thought it was near Philadelphia, too. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Yeah, it's across the Delaware River from Philly. | ||
| There's 77,000 people. | ||
| If you don't want to get fucked up, don't go to Camden, Jack. | ||
| Don't buy weed. | ||
| Don't do nothing. | ||
| I got tricked. | ||
| There used to be this gas station in North Bergen, where I'm from, called Putnam, and when I became, after my mom died, I had an inside guy there and I'd rob him once a month, like a fake robbery, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| We'd go hit him in the head, he'd go down, we'd take a thousand, and all he wanted was an eight ball. | ||
| He was a little half on the retardo side. | ||
| A fake robbery? | ||
| Oh, tremendous. | ||
| I worked at Putnam Fuel. | ||
| Everybody from that high school worked at Putnam Fuel. | ||
| And you robbed them to death until they fired you. | ||
| Ernie was always the shift manager. | ||
| Ernie had kids. | ||
| He went to the fucked up building. | ||
| I love cocaine, man. | ||
| Me and my wife loved it. | ||
| His wife was like 400 pounds. | ||
| She didn't work. | ||
| You know, he had to bring home fucking Almond Joys, that type of shit. | ||
| He worked at a gas station. | ||
| They lived in a terrible apartment, but they were cocaine heads. | ||
| And I was 16. I had worked there, and he's telling me, I need an eight ball. | ||
| And I go, Ernie, how can we do this? | ||
| How can we make this happen? | ||
| And one day he's like, you can fake rob me. | ||
| All right. | ||
| What's a good plan to rob you? | ||
| He's like, dog, you know how many times I fake robbed Ernie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
How many? | |
| About six times. | ||
| In fact, there's a kid in Florida that has a story that I showed up at his house one night with a diagram, because you had to rob him the same way. | ||
| You had to go around the building. | ||
| There was cameras in the front in those days. | ||
| So you had to go around the back. | ||
| Ring the bell when he come out. | ||
| He had to attack. | ||
| I couldn't be the same guy all the time that robbed him. | ||
| But you were going to be fine. | ||
| You weren't going to get arrested. | ||
| Just take the walk of me. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| And he always, till now, whenever he goes to the comedy show, he goes, I remember Coco coming home one day with a diagram. | ||
| We're going to rob a gas station like a football player. | ||
| He goes, it was brilliant. | ||
| I'd rob Ernie once a fuck at every six weeks, dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And we had to hit him. | ||
| You got to kick him in the stomach and shit and like smack him so he would bleed. | ||
| And the cops would say, Ernie, nobody gets robbed like this. | ||
| What do you want me to tell you? | ||
| They know I'm a fucking idiot. | ||
| Bro, we would rob him once every six weeks. | ||
| And finally it ended. | ||
| I didn't bring him the eight ball. | ||
| When I just did his eight ball, he got pissed off at me and that was it. | ||
| Being around shady people like that, growing up around shady people, gives you such a different flavor to life. | ||
| There's an extra element. | ||
| At the time, it's probably a little dangerous, but when you look back on it and laugh, We used to work at this gas station. | ||
| I worked at a gas station for a little while. | ||
| And there was this old guy that used to come in the gas station. | ||
| This old dude who had one of those classic bald guys. | ||
| He was bald up top with the hair on the side. | ||
| You see a guy like that, you think he's a normal guy. | ||
| No. | ||
| This guy used to drive this souped-up Buick, and he was a total pervert. | ||
| And all he could do was talk about pussy. | ||
| This old man talking about pussy. | ||
| Like, gray hair on the sides of his head, just talking about fingering chicks. | ||
| Like, he was a madman. | ||
| But being around that guy made me realize that, like, I see a dude, like an old dude who's bald with the fucking hair on the side, and I say, well, that's probably a nice gentleman. | ||
| Like, no. | ||
| It's an old pervert driving a hot rod Buick fingering chicks. | ||
| You realize you're around people like that. | ||
| You know that there's something else. | ||
| Like, there's possibilities. | ||
| There's a lot of different kinds of people in life. | ||
| And sometimes just because someone looks like someone that you've sort of already met before, like, oh, yeah, I know that type. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| You have no idea. | ||
| Look at Ted Bundy. | ||
| That was how Ted Bundy got all those girls. | ||
| He looked like a normal, handsome guy. | ||
| He didn't look like some Ed Gain fucking psychopath with, you know, creepy little beady eyes, weird strange man with strange yellow teeth. | ||
| I can't wait to catch you up and turn you into a lamp. | ||
| No, he looked like a guy that you'd want to date. | ||
| Remember when Mark Harmon played him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That was a good one. | ||
| He escaped from the jail and fucking asked me through a window. | ||
| For a while, I thought I was crazy, dog, because I lived everywhere where Ted Bundy lived. | ||
| For a while, I thought I was crazy. | ||
| I lived in Snowmass Village. | ||
| He killed the chick. | ||
| He kidnapped her from the Willowbrook Hotel, whatever, in Snowmass Village. | ||
| And then we lived in Seattle. | ||
| That's where he did most of his damage. | ||
| That was Seattle? | ||
| Didn't he do something in Florida? | ||
| Florida was at the end, the dormitory. | ||
| Oh, that was the end? | ||
| I think. | ||
| Look it up. | ||
| Something. | ||
| For a long time, I'm like, maybe I'm fucking crazy, dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I keep living everywhere. | ||
| I mean, yeah, he escaped from the Aspen fucking jail. | ||
| Ted Bundy. | ||
| That was a scary one. | ||
| He used to pick up girls and take them for rides in his car, and they realized there was no doorknob on their side. | ||
| They would go to reach for the door to open it. | ||
| There's no doorknob. | ||
| He had the doorknobs removed on the side of his car. | ||
| 2002 film, Ted Bundy. | ||
| If you look at him, he's a handsome guy. | ||
| Normal-looking dude. | ||
| Is he still alive? | ||
| No, they launched him. | ||
| Did they kill him? | ||
| Yeah, he was in Aspen. | ||
| Remember, they launched him, and... | ||
| They celebrated his death in all the towns where he killed people. | ||
| They had happy hours, they had drinks to Bundy and shit. | ||
| Yeah, January 24th, 1989, they killed him. | ||
| He was age 42 at the Florida State Prison. | ||
| Did he represent himself? | ||
| He was an attorney, by law. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think he didn't take the test or something. | ||
| He did a lot of crazy shit, man. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| He killed a lot of girls, man. | ||
| He revisited his secondary crime scenes for hours at a time, grooming and performing sexual acts with the decomposing corpses until putrefaction and destruction by wild animals made further interaction impossible. | ||
| He decapitated at least 12 of his victims and kept some of the severed heads in his apartment for a period of time as mementos. | ||
| On a few occasions, he simply broke into dwellings at night and bludgeoned his victims as they slept. | ||
| Man. | ||
| They first got him in 1975 for aggravated kidnapping and attempted criminal assault. | ||
| And then he became a suspect in a progressively longer list of unsolved homicides in multiple states. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Colorado and Florida. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| Florida finally launched them, correct? | ||
| Yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Florida kills people. | |
| And that's where he killed the dormitory. | ||
| That's where he got the girls in the dormitory. | ||
| University of Florida, right? | ||
| Gainesville? | ||
| Wasn't it in Gainesville or something like that? | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of those fucking guys out there, man. | ||
| It's like, what turns a guy like Ted Bundy into someone who would do that shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn, have you seen his morgue pics? | |
| Ugh. | ||
| Morgue pics? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, when he got executed, I guess. | |
| They have pics of it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's like there's a color one, there's a black and white one. | ||
| The problem with morgue pics is who the fuck knows if that's real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, who knows? | ||
| Yeah, he didn't look good. | ||
| Shaved his head, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Top of his head looks like it blew up or something. | ||
| That's what they do when they're cooking you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Scary shit, man. | ||
| It's just scary shit that someone could be like that. | ||
| That motherfucker killed cats when he was six. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Killed dogs and shit. | ||
| Tortured. | ||
| Michael, victim and shit. | ||
| He's bludgeoning women in their fucking sleep and raping corpses. | ||
| What the fuck happens to people, bro? | ||
| Yeah, that is the question. | ||
| What the fuck happens to people? | ||
| What is it about people that a switch can go off and then boom, all of a sudden you're Dylan Klebold in Colorado shooting up your school. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What combination of chemicals and behavior and life, what combinations of curveballs and shitty genetics and all sorts of different things cause someone to be that way? | ||
|
unidentified
|
His beetle was on display in a museum recently and they found... | |
| In it, they found a bunch of items that were in it. | ||
| One was a crowbar, garbage bags, an ice pick, a flashlight, torn strips of sheeting, a knit ski mask, handcuffs, and a strange mask made from pantyhose. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| And in Florida. | ||
| As if living in Florida wasn't bad enough. | ||
| You gotta deal with that guy running around. | ||
| Imagine if Ted Bundy was alive today. | ||
| That would be 90% of Nancy Grace's show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ted Bundy in Florida. | |
| Florida's a wild fucking place to do stand-up too. | ||
| That's one of the wildest spots. | ||
| I was thinking that the other day like that. | ||
| That Hollywood improv, the improv in Fort Lauderdale, Hollywood, Florida. | ||
| That fucking improv is one of the wildest clubs in the goddamn country. | ||
| That's Brian Count's favorite place to perform. | ||
| He's like, they're off the chain. | ||
| They're off the chain. | ||
| They're animals. | ||
| I was just there a couple months ago. | ||
| Were you? | ||
| Who'd you do it with? | ||
| Who'd you do it with? | ||
| I'm myself. | ||
| Did you bring anybody with you? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| They were like, no, you have to pay like $800 for a hotel to bring a feature. | ||
| What? | ||
| To the casino. | ||
| Because they put you in the casino. | ||
| They don't give you a second hotel room? | ||
| No. | ||
| You've got to make them give you a second hotel room. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They have a hotel room. | ||
| I thought it was in a casino. | ||
| It was going to be boring. | ||
| It wasn't that bad. | ||
| It was pretty good, as a matter of fact. | ||
| I had a good time. | ||
| Yeah, it's a fun day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I had a great time. | |
| I really did have a good time. | ||
| If you're living around there, that Hard Rock, that's a decent casino. | ||
| Yeah, no, no, it was great. | ||
| It's not like those places where they used to do King of the Cage at, back in the band days. | ||
| Yeah, no. | ||
| Did you ever go to one of those with me? | ||
| No. | ||
| Eddie Bravo and I went to a bunch of them. | ||
| Eddie used to work for the King of the Cage. | ||
| He was the commentator. | ||
| So we would travel sometimes to these... | ||
| These gigs were in the middle of fucking... | ||
| I mean, nowhere! | ||
| These weird Native American casinos were the only places where you could do it because they had sovereignty over their own land. | ||
| So even though MMA was banned in California at the time, they could still put on fights at these casinos. | ||
| And that's when people started to wake up. | ||
| Because they're like, why are we making this illegal? | ||
| You know how much fucking money these people are making? | ||
| Because you would go to the middle of nowhere. | ||
| I mean, hours and hours drive. | ||
| And there would be thousands of people there for an event. | ||
| All people we knew, you know, people we knew from jiu-jitsu, guys we trained with, guys we knew that were like the tap-out guys in the early days. | ||
| And we would go there and they would have these outdoor arenas. | ||
| Like these outdoor, like, seeded state. | ||
| Most of the time, no cover over it. | ||
| If it rained, the fights kept going. | ||
| They made a whole DVD called Wet and Wild, where they let it rain. | ||
| It was fucking pouring out. | ||
| And in the middle of these crazy torrential downpours, dudes were fighting. | ||
| It's not a bad idea. | ||
| It's the dumbest idea of all time. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You see two guys blasted out in the rain. | ||
| But you had no traction at all. | ||
| You would throw a punch. | ||
| You would fucking go flying. | ||
| Because they had one of those old school vinyl floors. | ||
| If it was a canvas floor, it would still be slippery. | ||
| But it would be less slippery. | ||
| But this shit wasn't canvas. | ||
| This shit was like vinyl. | ||
| So it was like a swimming pool. | ||
| It was like slip and slide. | ||
| It really was like trying to have a kickboxing match on slip and slide. | ||
| Dudes would be falling, their knees get blown out, falling on top of each other. | ||
| It was one of the sloppiest MMA cards ever. | ||
| But, kind of fun because it's a piece of history. | ||
| I don't think they should ever do it again, but it's good that it exists. | ||
| I think this is probably a pulldown from YouTube if we put a video on our... | ||
| But it's funny. | ||
| If you ever go to Boulder again, Doug, make sure you go to Naropa Institute. | ||
| Naropa Institute? | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That's a cool mother... | ||
| What is it? | ||
| And I miss that place. | ||
| It's a Buddhist college. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I went there on a Monday. | ||
| I used to go to... | ||
| When I was fucked up in the head, right? | ||
| I thought... | ||
| I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. | ||
| I was confused. | ||
| After prison, I didn't know. | ||
| And I would go there on Mondays and walk and meditate. | ||
| I learned how to meditate there. | ||
| I went to a seminar. | ||
| I seen Allen Ginsberg there. | ||
| It's all vegetarians. | ||
| I went to a massage therapist there. | ||
| It was tremendous. | ||
| The only time I ever allowed myself, she stunk so bad. | ||
| But the massages were so good, but I could smell her fucking armpits and the hummus on there. | ||
| It was fucking horrid. | ||
| But they were the nicest fucking people in the world, and they always have a course that you'll look at and go, huh. | ||
| A class they're teaching? | ||
| Like, you know what, man? | ||
| I was young. | ||
| I was maybe 30. I didn't know. | ||
| Right before comedy, I was frustrated. | ||
| I was married. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| And I would go there. | ||
| And I remember taking, like, a humanitarian course or something, you know, and just... | ||
| But it was so... | ||
| I think now it would be more interesting to me, because now I've gained more knowledge, and I know who the fuck I am. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So if you ever go there again, I never mention it to you. | ||
| My friend owns the cafeteria, and it's a vegetarian cafeteria, but every once in a while, he's a Spanish dude. | ||
| He whips up some badass shit, Lenny. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| It was weird how he took over it. | ||
| And I always forget to tell you about it. | ||
| I don't know if you ever go back to Boulder. | ||
| But if you do, check it out. | ||
| Yeah, I'll check it out. | ||
| Even go on the webpage and just look. | ||
| They always have some fucking genius going through there, dropping badass knowledge. | ||
| Listen, if you want to see the Stones, you go to the Garden. | ||
| If you want to see a good fight, you go to the garden. | ||
| If you want to see a smart, keen, badass motherfucker drop knowledge, go to Naropa. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Go to Boulder! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Boulder's got some fucking... | ||
| You know, we met... | ||
| Look, bro, they have elite martial artists. | ||
| They have elite MMA guys in Boulder. | ||
| They got a float tank business. | ||
| They have a float tank. | ||
| They have everything in Boulder. | ||
| I mean, that's an astronaut school. | ||
| So there's people who have... | ||
| It's amazing the quality of people I met in Boulder that I judged that I was, like, blown away by. | ||
| No, it's a great town. | ||
| It's one of the best towns in the country. | ||
| Just because, you know, when you meet a physicist and he meets a guy like me, he looks down on me in Boulder, those motherfuckers talk to you. | ||
| And then they tell you about... | ||
| I've stabbed a motherfucker one time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're like, what? | |
| You went to Yale. | ||
| You got a fucking master's from Harvard. | ||
| Yeah, you know, one time some guy, you know, because they're fucking so extreme. | ||
| Just because they're geniuses in that level doesn't mean they're nerds, bro. | ||
| Especially if they move to Boulder, they might be hunters. | ||
| I know a guy that was a fucking brilliant dude, but he was like a racist. | ||
| He was a racist? | ||
| He was like a KKK racist. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because he was that eccentric, Joe. | ||
| You posted something the other day. | ||
| Six geniuses who were perverts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bro, when you become that deep, I would go to the Rope and listen. | ||
| The Ginsberg is one of the guys I remember. | ||
| I probably went to four seminars there to listen to people speak. | ||
| Everybody had samples on. | ||
| Everybody was vegan. | ||
| But I grasped a lot of fucking different things, man, that helped me. | ||
| I remember going there one time and going, maybe the Catholic religion is bullshit. | ||
| The way this motherfucker was dropping it. | ||
| They weren't asking you to donate. | ||
| They weren't asking you to join. | ||
| They didn't want you to be rich in gear. | ||
| I knew the Dalai Lama was going there. | ||
| Dalai Lama's always swinging in Boulder. | ||
| Well, he used to. | ||
| Somebody from that tribe goes to that Naropa. | ||
| Very interesting, bro. | ||
| Oh, and I always forgot to ask you, in your travels, did anybody ever approach you and say, I'm somebody from Naropa? | ||
| No, so it's a Buddhist university? | ||
| It's like, look at that. | ||
| Buddhist college? | ||
| How do you spell it? | ||
| N-A-R-O-P-A. Very fucking cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
N-A-R-O-P-A. And even then, I had like the mind of a fucking thief. | |
| Naropa University. | ||
| And they were getting through to me. | ||
| I was like, wow, these fucking people are cool as shit. | ||
| Because you make judgment. | ||
| You're like, oh, just because this guy went to Harvard or whatever, he's not going to be interested in smoking a joint. | ||
| Oh, this motherfucker's got a pound in his suitcase under the microscope. | ||
| You know, like he grew it or something. | ||
| You're like, wow. | ||
| Yeah, I went to an ashram when I was in Boulder. | ||
| They were there, an ashram in the mountains, like a Buddhist ashram. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| He would just meditate up there in the mountains. | ||
| And kill bugs. | ||
| You know, Buddhists are not supposed to kill bugs. | ||
| This lady had bug spray. | ||
| I go, what are you doing? | ||
| And she goes, we have an ant problem. | ||
| I go, wait a minute. | ||
| You know, you're a Buddhist. | ||
| You're not supposed to be spraying fucking bugs. | ||
| Like, that's like convenient. | ||
| That's very convenient of you that you're spraying ant medication or ant poison out. | ||
| You're not supposed to do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did she say? | |
| She goes, yeah, well, it's very unfortunate, but we really have, you know, cleanliness issues. | ||
| And I go, listen, you're not supposed to kill fucking ants. | ||
| Like, that's half the... | ||
| Like, how about vegans that have cats? | ||
| Guess what, fuckface? | ||
| You're not a vegan. | ||
| If you have a cat and you're a vegan and you're feeding your cat cat food, you're feeding your cat murdered animals. | ||
| You are buying murdered animals. | ||
| You yourself are responsible for the death of animals. | ||
| Period. | ||
| Fact. | ||
| Jamie Kilstein, all you fucking people that are vegans and post photos of your cats, those cats are murderers. | ||
| That's the only thing cats do. | ||
| If you have a cat and you try to feed your cat vegan cat food, they fucking go blind. | ||
| They start shitting themselves, start walking into walls. | ||
| They don't get enough protein. | ||
| You can't feed them vegan cat food. | ||
| Yeah, they can't exist. | ||
| You go to forums, like vegan cat forums, it's hilarious. | ||
| Because post after post you see people saying, well, I've finally given in and I had to start feeding my cat regular cat food. | ||
| Of course you did, he's a little murderer. | ||
| Your cats are murderers. | ||
| You're a person who believes that animals shouldn't die but you're contributing to those animals dying so that you feed your animal that kills animals. | ||
| Do you understand how crazy this all is? | ||
| That highlights the whole hypocrisy of the idea of not taking life. | ||
| You take life. | ||
| Everybody takes life. | ||
| Like takes life. | ||
| Life takes life, whether you like it or not, unfortunately. | ||
| And it doesn't mean that you can't be a really good person and have a cat and only contribute to a certain amount of cat murder because, look at these cats eating you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're next. | |
| Dirty monsters. | ||
| Bred down, but still dirty monsters at heart. | ||
| You know, the idea behind it is hilarious. | ||
| And I don't mean to single out... | ||
| The reason why I did it is because so many vegans that I've run into who are these self-righteous fuckers will take pictures with their cats. | ||
| Like, look at you. | ||
| That's not being a vegan. | ||
| You're buying, you're spending money to get animals killed. | ||
| That's a fact. | ||
| Unless you're out there, like, unless you just let your cat forage for itself, then you just live with a murderer. | ||
| You know, you're a vegan who lives with a murderer. | ||
| But if you're a vegan and you go out there buying cat food, guess what, dude? | ||
| You ain't a vegan. | ||
| This is gonna be a bit, I hope so, because I'm dying to laugh in your fucking face right now. | ||
| You are hysterical right now. | ||
| Because I actually, this and the vegans is getting deep with you lately. | ||
| It makes me angry. | ||
| We're going to war with these motherfuckers. | ||
| We're going to war. | ||
| Let's go to war. | ||
| We're going to war like Tony Montana when he tells my lover we're going to war. | ||
| He's like, what? | ||
| We're going to war against self-righteousness. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| You know, listen. | ||
| They miss the big picture. | ||
| Look, man, when you worked at Fear Factor, I'm sure there were some really cool people. | ||
| And then there were some real fucking douchebags. | ||
| When we went to Boulder, let me tell you something, man, there were some lovely people in Boulder. | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| And then again, there's the people who are, there's people out there, 60% of these people that pick a fucking hobby or whatever the fuck they call it, it's a hobby, bro. | ||
| It's a social activity anymore. | ||
| Religions have become a social activity. | ||
| You understand me? | ||
| Nobody becomes, you know, somebody does something that's because they really believe in it. | ||
| They really want to do it. | ||
| Not anymore, dawg. | ||
| Not anymore, dog. | ||
| People join something just to be a part of something. | ||
| It's a social whatever. | ||
| That's a lot of it. | ||
| I see it every fucking day. | ||
| Social brownie points. | ||
| I see it every day. | ||
| Yeah, to take the high ground. | ||
| I'm bored. | ||
| I'm lonely. | ||
| What am I going to do? | ||
| I got three windows. | ||
| I might be gay. | ||
| I might save cats. | ||
| You know, I was in Hollywood one day and I'm eating and there was a guy behind me and he was gay and I'm like, this guy cannot be this gay, Jimmy. | ||
| Jamie, this guy cannot be this gay. | ||
| Why can he not be that gay? | ||
| Because nobody is that gay. | ||
| But there are people. | ||
| Not that gay! | ||
| This guy was that gay! | ||
| Like, too gay! | ||
| Like, oh my god! | ||
| The whole thing, the cologne, the scarf around the neck. | ||
| You know those guys that overdo it? | ||
| The guy I kidnapped. | ||
| Not Vela. | ||
| But the guy I kidnapped, my partner that was going to kidnap me? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I should stab myself every day for having him as my partner. | ||
| He had everything a guy needed to be a guy. | ||
| He had a pit bull. | ||
| He had a black car with tinted windows and a loud stereo. | ||
| He had a motorcycle. | ||
| He had a tattoo. | ||
| He hung out at strip clubs. | ||
| He was that guy. | ||
| He was the common guy. | ||
| Who's your connection? | ||
| I can't tell you that right now. | ||
| Shut the fuck up! | ||
| He was that guy. | ||
| It's the same thing in life now. | ||
| I see it every day. | ||
| People, they're hobbyists, bro. | ||
| They're hobbyists. | ||
| This is a hobbyist thing until the next mindfuck comes up. | ||
| You know, they dive into something. | ||
| It's a yoga club. | ||
| They go there. | ||
| It's socially, man. | ||
| It's socially. | ||
| God forbid you don't walk in the street anymore. | ||
| Remember when we were kids? | ||
| When you ever go to a prom... | ||
| What do you call those parties in college? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Keg party? | |
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Frat party? | |
| Whatever. | ||
| You go to a keg party. | ||
| How do they salute you people? | ||
| It's an American thing. | ||
| With the fucking Budweiser. | ||
| With the label. | ||
| Because God forbid you can't see a label and they shake your hand. | ||
| It's like a thing. | ||
| Go and walk the streets in the morning. | ||
| So they're holding up a label to let you know they're in a certain group. | ||
| I'm drinking a Pabst Blue River. | ||
| Look, I've got it out there. | ||
| I'm very ironic. | ||
| Okay, but now it's turned into Starbucks. | ||
| God forbid a human being doesn't have a Starbucks cup in their hand by 8 o'clock in this society. | ||
| God forbid if you work in an office and six people every day walk in with a mocha, soy, almond... | ||
| You know, gluten-free, sperm-free fucking double latte. | ||
| God forbid the guy who walks in with a 7-Eleven cup of coffee. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| He's a loser. | ||
| What do you pour? | ||
| We all have to fucking have that Starbucks cup. | ||
| You know, is Starbucks that fucking great, really? | ||
| Well, you know what Starbucks is these days? | ||
| I mean, nothing wrong with coffee, but what a lot of people are buying is like a super sweet shake. | ||
| You're buying a super sweet shake that has caffeine and whipped cream in it and fucking all those venti things that people buy, those blended things, ice blended, vanilla, soy. | ||
| It's a shake. | ||
| It's a shake with drugs in it. | ||
| No offense, dog. | ||
| I'm from Jersey. | ||
| Give me that motherfucker black. | ||
| Because where I come from, black is beautiful. | ||
| I came to New Jersey. | ||
| Don't touch that! | ||
| When you go to Jersey in the mornings, you drove a limo. | ||
| You know what it's like? | ||
| Can you imagine going to your diner in Boston and going, you know what, let me get some soy milk. | ||
| They would throw that fucking black coffee at you. | ||
| For 2,000 years, America drank a fucking, from a cup that looked like a bowling ball, like a helmet that they put in Mars. | ||
| Yeah, like a fish tank. | ||
| And you got it with, what did you used to do? | ||
| Regular. | ||
| What was your regular coffee when we were growing up? | ||
| Cream and sugar. | ||
| A little bit of cream, a little bit of sugar, light, whatever the fuck. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| If you go to Dunkin' Donuts, you'll ask for a regular coffee. | ||
| They give it to you with cream and sugar. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Today still? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ask for, like, there's places where you can go to this day. | ||
| Fucking tremendous. | ||
| Have a regular coffee. | ||
| They'll pour the cream in for you, pour a couple dashes of sugar. | ||
| For 36,000 years, Americans ate a butter roll. | ||
| Every motherfucker in the East Coast ate a butter roll. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Fuck the egg, fuck the gluten, fuck the protein. | ||
| Bagels with butter. | ||
| Bagels with butter. | ||
| That was every fucking corner in New York City would have, like, they would sell those wrapped up rolls with butter, already buttered, or wrapped up bagels, already buttered. | ||
| Fucking amazing. | ||
| Yeah, I just needed some calories. | ||
| No, but now it's like, if you don't have a Starbucks fucking coffee, so that lady you met in Boulder... | ||
| Because let me tell you one thing about Boulder, I believe. | ||
| Boulder specializes in one thing. | ||
| They specialize, if you're serious about your health and your life... | ||
| The value of your life. | ||
| People who value their lives. | ||
| Like somebody lives in a big city, and one day he has a heart attack at 33, and he's a stockbroker. | ||
| And yeah, he's got $30 million in the bank, but he's fucking 33. Those guys, when they go, it's over. | ||
| And they move to Bull, and they open up a bookstore on Pearl Street. | ||
| You don't know. | ||
| You walk by there and go, how does this fucking make a living? | ||
| It's people who want to enhance their lives. | ||
| Well, people realize that you don't have to be around this many goddamn people. | ||
| I did Kevin and Bean yesterday, so I was up at 5.50. | ||
| I was in my car by 6 a.m., driving on the highway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Packed! | |
| Packed. | ||
| Packed. | ||
| Fucking 30 miles an hour going down the 101. It's 6 o'clock in the morning. | ||
| It's madness. | ||
| God forbid you get there at 7.30 or 8. It's death. | ||
| It's hot death for a dozen miles. | ||
| And there's too many motherfuckers, man. | ||
| It's not good for you. | ||
| It's not good for you. | ||
| If you have to live here, I totally understand, but you and I don't. | ||
| We don't have to live here. | ||
| We're on the road all the time. | ||
| I'm going to start Skyping shit in. | ||
| I'm going to put Jamie in a goddamn fish tank, and I'm going to start Skyping from the middle of nowhere. | ||
| I'm going to figure out how to do that. | ||
| Ari Shaffir does that. | ||
| When he does that Punch Drunk podcast, he's in New York, and they're over here. | ||
| He Skypes. | ||
| He's in a little corner, a little fucking square. | ||
| It's amazing how when I get on a plane, when I travel, I get to 6 a.m. | ||
| Because, let me tell you something, bro. | ||
| And you're going to look at me and say, no way. | ||
| There's a huge difference on the 405 from 10 to 6 and 10 after 6. It's miraculous. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's something you've never seen. | ||
| And I'll do it with you. | ||
| I'll go there five days with the camera and go, you ready? | ||
| That's 10 to 6. You see it moving? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Watch 10 after 6. Glink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Glink. | |
| Clank. | ||
| Look at that HOV lane. | ||
| Look at that motherfucker. | ||
| Stuck. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Stuck. | ||
| HOV. Nine motherfuckers in a car. | ||
| Stuck. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| I get in that fucking car at 445. You know it takes me 20 minutes to get the fucking 405 at 4 in the morning, 5 in the morning? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| 25 minutes. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| Four in the morning. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| Unbelievable. | ||
| I get to the fucking airport. | ||
| I park in the 3 right by the elevator. | ||
| I'm in and out of there. | ||
| You know what I do sometimes if I got a wild hair up my ass? | ||
| I'll take my car up into the mountains. | ||
| Like, you ever go up Angeles Crest Highway? | ||
| I don't know what that is. | ||
| Angeles Crest Highway off the 210? | ||
| If you go off the 210, and driving from this studio towards Pasadena, if you went up through the 118 to the 210, there's an area called the Angel's Crest Highway, and you take it up into the mountains, just a two-lane road. | ||
| If you go up there at like 5 o'clock in the morning, 6 o'clock in the morning, it's fucking dead empty. | ||
| And right when the sun starts to come up, just drive. | ||
| Just drive up there. | ||
| Just drive up there and see the mountains and the hills and there's not a fucking soul in sight. | ||
| When you could do that, when you can get on the highway and you see like one car a mile up and... | ||
| One car like a mile back, and that's it. | ||
| Just you three motherfuckers. | ||
| And one guy going this way, one guy... | ||
| It's like relaxing. | ||
| It gives you a feeling of peace. | ||
| Because you're so constantly concentrating on all these motherfuckers. | ||
| This guy next to you is in a truck, and this guy next to you is kind of weaving in and out of lanes, and this motherfucker in front of you is going too slow, and it's like so much shit to think about. | ||
| When you can just get on a highway and there's nobody, it's a peaceful feeling. | ||
| You just go for it. | ||
| You forget. | ||
| Driving is nice. | ||
| Remember when you were a little kid, you first got your driver's license? | ||
| And you're like, woo-hoo! | ||
| Not little kid, but, you know, 18, whatever. | ||
| You first get to, remember, imagine four-year-olds were driving. | ||
| Like, driving is fun. | ||
| Like, my six-year-old, she's learning how to ride a bike. | ||
| So I'm teaching her how to ride a bike without training wheels. | ||
| So we're moving around, showing her how to do tight turns and stuff. | ||
| And she's having the time of her life. | ||
| And I'm thinking, if I had to drive a bike in this little fucking ass driveway, I would be so bored. | ||
| But to a six-year-old, it's like, woohoo! | ||
| It's so fun. | ||
| That's what it's like when you first start driving a car. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| And you forget, like, driving a car just is a pleasure. | ||
| If you have a car that works right, and you're out on a nice road, and there's no one there. | ||
| And the music's on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| A little stone. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Googly moogly. | ||
| A beautiful view? | ||
| A beautiful view to look out at? | ||
| That's the thing that really gets me about Colorado, more than anything, is the sheer beauty of the landscape. | ||
| Boulder, like, how about Evergreen? | ||
| When you're driving from Evergreen down into Denver, people don't know about Evergreen. | ||
| Evergreen is a half an hour outside of Denver. | ||
| When you make that turn and you see those green trees like that, just thousands of them in. | ||
| You might as well be on that Mountain Men TV show. | ||
| You might as well be one of those fucking dudes that makes their own wood. | ||
| You're up there in the middle of the fucking mountain, 30 minutes from Denver. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| I remember the last time I had peace of mind was when I was shooting The Longest Yard, and I was off on Saturdays and Sundays, and they opted. | ||
| They said, you can either go home or stay. | ||
| I would stay in the hotel. | ||
| The hotel would be empty. | ||
| There'd be a couple of us that would stay down there. | ||
| And I would get the rental car, dog, and I would get on that road, and I'd go to Taos. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'd drive to all those places. | ||
| I'd stop. | ||
| I'd get a green chili burrito. | ||
| That's all hippies, right? | ||
| Taos is hippies? | ||
| All hippies, and I'd turn the fucking car around three, four hours. | ||
| No traffic. | ||
| No traffic. | ||
| I'd just get on whatever road. | ||
| I don't know what it was now. | ||
| You ever do that drive from San Diego to Vegas? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| That's a nice drive. | ||
| That's a beautiful drive. | ||
| That's not a bad drive. | ||
| When you go through those weird desert areas... | ||
| And you get to see those... | ||
| I went to the Air Force Base. | ||
| I forget which base it is down there, where the Blue Angels are. | ||
| I did a... | ||
| I forget the name of it. | ||
| But I had to drive down to San Diego, and then from San Diego, I had to go across, like, quite a while to get to this Air Force Base where they took me on a flight with the Blue Angels. | ||
| And you're driving through these desert areas with these beautiful rock formations and shit. | ||
| It's gorgeous out there. | ||
| As long as you have A.C., it's fucking gorgeous. | ||
| Like, seeing the cool rock structures and shit, it's a pleasure, you know? | ||
| People forget. | ||
| We live here in L.A., and we associate driving with being a pain in the ass. | ||
| How sad is that? | ||
| Sad. | ||
| It's like it's fucking like you wake up in the morning, your feet touch, and you're like, fuck! | ||
| I gotta go to Hollywood at 2.30. | ||
| God damn it! | ||
| God fucking damn it! | ||
| And you start looking, and then you put on Channel 5, and they're telling you the 101. There's an accident on the way here, bro. | ||
| I left my house at fucking 10.20. | ||
| I should have been here early. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| A fucking car flipped on the other side. | ||
| As I was driving, the people hanging by their fucking seatbelts. | ||
| I mean, it was that far left when I was in my far left. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| So I got to see it. | ||
| And three motherfuckers out with their fucking cameras with TMZ. Of course. | ||
| Jesus Christ, Joe Rogan. | ||
| That's justifiable homicide where I come from. | ||
| Justifiable homicide? | ||
| Just to shoot them right there. | ||
| Pull over. | ||
| What is wrong with you? | ||
| Somebody's yelling for their life, and you have your fucking camera on, you miserable motherfucker. | ||
| And there was people getting out of their cars, helping them. | ||
| I mean, it was bumper to bumper. | ||
| I don't know how the fucking ambulance is going to get in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that's sometimes people have to help. | ||
| Welcome to the fucking world of cameras, my friend. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Somebody's yelling for their life, and you've got a fucking camera on, for the love of Christ. | ||
| What kind of goddamn human being are you? | ||
| Just to extend your hand for the person to see your hand. | ||
| You know what's fucked up, though? | ||
| You talk to them, and they're nice guys. | ||
| Those TMZ camera guys, a lot of those guys are very nice guys. | ||
| I don't even know if it was a TMZ guy. | ||
| There was two people with cell phones, and a guy had a little fucking camera. | ||
| I was like, Well, some people are just filming because they're there. | ||
| I mean, some people, if they have something on them that can record, they have to record things. | ||
| Oh my God, I can't believe this. | ||
| Let me get this on video. | ||
| But a lot of these guys are just guys who have a job. | ||
| The real problem is that people want to read that shit. | ||
| That's the real problem, including us. | ||
| It's compelling. | ||
| You find out about some crazy story, some nutty shit happened, TMZ has a video of it. | ||
| You don't go to it, ever? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No TMZ? I used to watch it two, three years ago, so it's six o'clock. | |
| Now I just watch the news. | ||
| If there's something, something fucking completely crazy happens, you're gonna, you know, people are gonna want to see it. | ||
| They're gonna want to see a video. | ||
| I think I went to some, when Snoop, when whatever got knocked out, I was curious. | ||
| Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Because the valet guy knocked him out. | ||
| The record producer, you know. | ||
| Not Puff Daddy, but the guy from the West Coast rap. | ||
| I know who you're talking about. | ||
| We always talk about him. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Suge Knight. | ||
| Suge Knight. | ||
| Sorry about that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A barber knocked him out, right? | ||
| Some dude owned a barbershop in LA. But he was a valet, right? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| Something. | ||
| I think it was out of valet. | ||
| Tiny guy or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, out of valet. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I don't remember exactly what happened. | ||
| But, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, we live in a weird world. | ||
| See those videos all the time. | ||
| Every day there's new ones. | ||
| Every day there's some new thing. | ||
| Jamie watches all that shit. | ||
| Every time I come in here, this motherfucker's got some new Beyonce story for me. | ||
| I always find out late. | ||
| I found out about the T.I. Mayweather fight. | ||
| Oh, the Mayweather fight. | ||
| I never saw that, but everybody says the video's online. | ||
| You know, T.I. went on Opie and Anthony after that. | ||
| It was fucking hilarious. | ||
| He's really funny. | ||
| He's like a real relaxed dude. | ||
| He's a fun dude. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't even know if the video or the appearance on Opie and Anthony was after that fight. | ||
| I was just in my car and they were talking. | ||
| And, you know, you look at the series, it shows you who the guest is, and it said T.I. He was fun. | ||
| He was a fun guy, man. | ||
| He looked like he was having a good time with them. | ||
| I watched it. | ||
| Didn't he get busted with guns? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Okay, he looks like a fun guy. | ||
| He did a movie. | ||
| He did American Fucking Gangster. | ||
| He was in American Gangster? | ||
| Yeah, he's the baseball player. | ||
| The Denzel Washington movie? | ||
| Yeah, he's the one that was the baseball player that he got on the trial with the Yankees and didn't show up. | ||
| Then Denzel goes up to him and goes, how come he didn't show up? | ||
| He goes, what am I going to play baseball for? | ||
| I want to be like you. | ||
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| Did you see the ads for the new James Brown movie? | ||
| No. | ||
| They got a James Brown movie. | ||
| Who's playing James Brown? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Some dude I don't know. | ||
| Here, let's pull it up. | ||
| Brown movie. | ||
| I went to see the Tom Cruise movie last night. | ||
| The Edge of Tomorrow. | ||
| It's fucking great. | ||
| That movie is great. | ||
| It's really good, man. | ||
| It's called Get On Up. | ||
| Get up. | ||
| Get on up. | ||
| Dude's name is Chadwick Boseman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| I don't know who that is. | ||
| Do you know who that is? | ||
| Chadwick Boseman. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Handsome fella. | ||
| He's been in a bunch of shit. | ||
| He's been... | ||
| He was on All My Children. | ||
| Ha ha! | ||
| No way. | ||
| It says 1970. Must be a different guy. | ||
| When does James Brown, the movie, come out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Chadwick Boseman. | |
| It came out... | ||
| It can't be out. | ||
| It says All My Children, 1970. It's gotta be a different Chadwick Boseman, you dummies. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| The guy, he's not that old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe he was a kid on the show, though. | |
| No, he's not even... | ||
| That would mean he would have to be, what, 40-something years old? | ||
| No way. | ||
| So the movie came out already? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| It's not out yet. | ||
| It's the ads for it right now. | ||
| He was in that movie 42. He played Jackie Robinson. | ||
| Oh, that dude's badass. | ||
| Okay, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That was a good movie, you know. | ||
| I heard it was really good. | ||
| Yeah, he was good. | ||
| That kid was good. | ||
| He was very good. | ||
| You know who was good in that movie? | ||
| You know who was fucking badass in that movie, dawg? | ||
| Harrison fucking Ford. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| He was in disguise. | ||
| Harrison Ford. | ||
| He dropped it on him. | ||
| I mean, he says some shit that you're like... | ||
| Look at fucking Harrison Ford selling it. | ||
| Isn't it interesting this dude's playing two famous dead black dudes? | ||
| What do you want to do? | ||
| He's their go-to guy. | ||
| Hey, dog, you need insurance. | ||
| Sag Insurance is a motherfucker. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| You got to do what you gots to do sometimes. | ||
| Get up! | ||
| That fucking Tom Cruise movie is good, man. | ||
| I'm telling you, it was one of the most original science fiction movies I've ever seen. | ||
| I had low expectations. | ||
| I went into it, I thought it was going to be some shoot-em-up where Tom Cruise does the standard shit in every one of them. | ||
| Standard, you know, like calm, cool, collected... | ||
| You know, facing the adversity. | ||
| No. | ||
| It was a complex character that he had to play, and the movie was very complex. | ||
| There was a lot going on. | ||
| It was like about time travel. | ||
| It was part of the movie. | ||
| It was an alien movie, an alien invasion movie about time travel. | ||
| I can't tell you any more. | ||
| I'll give you a spoiler alert. | ||
| But it's a fucking good movie, man. | ||
| It was a good fucking movie. | ||
| Like, I'd give it a 9 out of 10. It was a really good movie. | ||
| Like, one of the most original science fiction movies I've ever seen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You see it in 3D? No. | |
| No, I just saw it regular. | ||
| I'm not wearing glasses. | ||
| Hey, dog, you ever see the movie King of New York? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fuck yeah, man. | ||
| It's a great movie. | ||
| About a year ago, Constantine Rain, this dude on Twitter, told me, and I'm like, fuck that movie. | ||
| It's overrated as fuck. | ||
| It was on the other night. | ||
| Holy shit, Joe Rogan. | ||
| But to me, he didn't do it. | ||
| I mean, Christopher Walken's always Christopher Walken, right? | ||
| Lawrence Fishburne stole that motherfucker. | ||
| Lawrence Fishburne stole that motherfucker! | ||
| Listen, I come to the conclusion that he's the best black actor now. | ||
| And I'll prove it to you. | ||
| You know, when he beats the chick in the movie, Tina Turner, he plays a different type of black dude. | ||
| Don't make me say it. | ||
| And then in whatever, he plays a completely different type of black dude. | ||
| But the opening of that movie, he goes to King Tito's house to buy the coke with Steve Buscemi. | ||
| And Steve Buscemi's, what do you call that shit? | ||
| Weighing out the coke, making sure it's good. | ||
| And fucking Lawrence Fishburne is torturing this drug dealer. | ||
| Yo, you play ball? | ||
| Not by looking at you. | ||
| You got a coke? | ||
| And he keeps torturing him, torturing him. | ||
| And then finally the guy, you got the fucking drugs, you fucking black guy, I don't do business. | ||
| And he gives him the thing, and the guy's about to open up the briefcase to check the money, and he fucking slams and he goes, Where's my motherfucking coach? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Which is classic. | ||
| And he finally opens it up and it's all tampons. | ||
| And he goes, what the fuck is this? | ||
| To plug your motherfucking holes. | ||
| And he shoots them and the black guy comes through. | ||
| Room service! | ||
| And they start shooting people. | ||
| That's the best opening to any fucking movie I've seen. | ||
| I forgot all about that movie. | ||
| I sat there going, what the fuck is this? | ||
| Tremendous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Tremendous. | ||
| I recommend it if you haven't seen in a long time. | ||
| Christopher Walken. | ||
| You know who's in that movie, dawg? | ||
| The black dude from Lost. | ||
| He's the kid on the elevator that goes to mug Christopher Walken. | ||
| And Christopher Walken throws him like $10,000 and goes, come see me, I'll give you a job. | ||
| They look at the money, they take off. | ||
| That's the little black dude from Lost that was also... | ||
| He's in a thousand things. | ||
| He was a young kid. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like a young kid, like, you know, 20, 18. No shit. | ||
| It's amazing when you see these old movies and you're like, wow, look who the fuck that is playing one scene, like in The Thief. | ||
| Man Hunter, that dude that was CSI for 18 years. | ||
| That dude was on, the dude from Lost was on, he was on the fucking, the prison movie, Oz. | ||
| He was in Oz, too. | ||
| Oz, too, yeah. | ||
| The guy in the wheelchair. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, that dude's been around. | ||
| You look at these guys and go, what the fuck? | ||
| Yeah, how about Lawrence Fishburne? | ||
| He was in fucking Apocalypse Now. | ||
| Dog, I talked to him one day in front of a fucking weed store. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| And he was talking to me about how he was 14 and he had to bring his mother down there because they shot down in the Philippines. | ||
| They were there for a year, bro. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He was a kid. | ||
| On that boat, he was 14 years old, 15 years old. | ||
| He was a fucking child. | ||
| Yeah, he was really young. | ||
| And that movie took a long time to film. | ||
| Two years. | ||
| That's when the studios were just... | ||
| And Marlon Brando was on that one. | ||
| So Marlon Brando... | ||
| This is what this motherfucker did. | ||
| They met with him. | ||
| They're like, Marlon, we love you. | ||
| But get it together. | ||
| You're getting a little heavy. | ||
| You're playing a fucking major. | ||
| You're playing a guy who parachutes out of planes. | ||
| Please. | ||
| Work out. | ||
| How much a trainer caught? | ||
| Give him a check for a trainer. | ||
| What do you want? | ||
| $10,000? | ||
| Give him $20,000. | ||
| Get the best trainer, lose the weight. | ||
| Marlon took the check. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Dog, post time, that motherfucker showed up 20 pounds overweight than what he was at the meeting. | ||
| They were furious. | ||
| That's why all the scenes are dark. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why they only show his head and shit. | ||
| Holding his head. | ||
| They never showed his body in that movie. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| Because they were like, dog, what the fuck? | ||
| We gave you money for a trainer. | ||
| Dog, I spent the money at Spago's. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Didn't he have an island at one point in time? | ||
| Didn't he have his own island? | ||
| If you're into this shit, because I'm into stupidity, okay? | ||
| Me and Joe Rogan chased Coburn on Sunset Boulevard. | ||
| I'm into those old actors. | ||
| They represented something different. | ||
| And Marlon Brando represented something completely different in my eyes. | ||
| This kid was from Nebraska. | ||
| This kid was from fucking Nebraska. | ||
| You know, everybody's stuck on James Dean. | ||
| Focus on fucking Brandon. | ||
| This guy came out here and just fucked people up, and they hated him. | ||
| They hated him. | ||
| You know, he wrote a hilarious fucking letter to Charlie Sheen when he couldn't make his birthday party. | ||
| He wrote, Dear Charlie, I'm feeling like a very large turd on a very thin stick. | ||
| I'm holed up in bed and taking everything... | ||
| From sled dog urine to Powerade... | ||
| Powerade? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Eastern Indian vulva. | ||
| Maybe won't work tomorrow if I feel the same. | ||
| That's what he sent him when he was thinking about not going to his party. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| But the dude was out there. | ||
| They didn't want him for The Godfather. | ||
| You know how hard they had to push for him for The Godfather? | ||
| Oh, he's crazy. | ||
| He didn't give a fuck. | ||
| He didn't give a fuck. | ||
| And then he showed up. | ||
| They didn't know who the fuck he was. | ||
| He put the cotton in his mouth and shit, and he just blew him out of the water. | ||
| Then they gave him rain. | ||
| No, before that, they gave him... | ||
| What's that movie he did where he cost the studio $80,000? | ||
| He was directing whatever the fuck about the boat, dog. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And they went down there and they realized, they get down there like, where's Marlon Brando? | ||
| He's in the hut, fucking six fucking Hawaiian chicks. | ||
| That's where he married the chick. | ||
| He was a crazy motherfucker. | ||
| He was a crazy motherfucker. | ||
| Then he came back, dog, and he just, then he sent an Indian to the fucking Oscars. | ||
| To protest the fucking American Indian movies. | ||
| Who does this shit? | ||
| And at the end of his life, didn't he live? | ||
| I mean, he lived on an island or something, right? | ||
| Didn't he do something like that? | ||
| I think he lived in Studio City. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Westwood. | |
| Yeah, he lived around here at the end. | ||
| Was he? | ||
| Yeah, he lived around here at the end. | ||
| The island, he lost the island. | ||
| He lost the island? | ||
| But there was also a tragic side. | ||
| He lost his kids. | ||
| It was very sad that whole thing would happen. | ||
| Well, you can't imagine a guy like that would be really good at taking care of kids. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| He was really badass, and I didn't realize it, because I didn't... | ||
| Listen, I have to watch it, because my wife watches The Man of Steel. | ||
| Oh, that movie, yeah? | ||
| That movie, but... | ||
| I love Cameron Crowe, but... | ||
| Not good. | ||
| Marlon Brando cemented that role so strong. | ||
| That speech he tells him before he puts him in the fucking thing, bro. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He had to be Superman. | ||
| If your father tells you the speech, if your father looks at you and tells you that speech, you gotta be Superman. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| You're like, Dad, you just blew my fucking mind. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| He had a lease of an island in 1966. He got a 99-year lease. | ||
| The island of, I don't know how to say this, but it's T-E-T-I-A-R-O-A. Tetearo by the Tahiti government, making him its sole owner. | ||
| 35 miles from the main island of Tahiti. | ||
| It's a group of 13 islets, small islands, measuring about 27 square miles and surrounded by a lagoon. | ||
| Fucking dude lived up there on an eco-resort. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Crazy, man. | ||
| Strange, strange dude, man. | ||
| Look, you know, there's a rumor he used to charge to read the script. | ||
| He used to charge you to read your script. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Like if you or a studio said, hi, Marlon, we have a script for you. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| 50 G's. | ||
| He would bang you at every level. | ||
| That makes sense, though, if you're Marlon fucking Brando. | ||
| He would bang you at every level. | ||
| 25 to read the script. | ||
| Oh, you want me to come off the island for a meeting? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to have Herbie call you right on that one. | |
| Well, that's when you're a bad motherfucker, when they're willing to fly into an island to talk to you. | ||
| And if you wanted to fly him off... | ||
| It would even cost you like triple. | ||
| To fly him off the island? | ||
| Yeah, like, oh no, we want you to come to Hollywood. | ||
| I don't know about that one. | ||
| Show up with his crazy hat on. | ||
| What do we have here for this script? | ||
| 600 pounds, 400 pounds. | ||
| Apparently he would sign up to do movies too, hadn't read it at all, and would make them put up these big placards with all the lines that he had to say, like right behind him, and he would just free ball it on the set. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| I think that the Americans... | ||
| I think people itself sometimes take acting too sacredly, you know? | ||
| But if, like in The Godfather, the scene where he's at the table and he's talking about if something should happen to my son and he gets up, that's when they said he was reading off the guy's lapels and shit. | ||
| But look at him. | ||
| See if you see him reading. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| At the end, maybe. | ||
| Not in 1972 when he was dropping the Godfather. | ||
| The Godfather's been on HBO this month. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| 8.30 in the morning. | ||
| You know me. | ||
| I get up at 6, I'm watching the news all of a sudden, The Godfather, I gotta catch 10 minutes of it. | ||
| Last night I watched the scene when he told, what's his name, he was out. | ||
| He was brilliant, bro. | ||
| He told the constantly area, the white dude. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He tells him, he goes, we're going to Vegas. | ||
| He just got out of the hospital and he goes, And he smacks him. | ||
| He goes, no offense, let Michael. | ||
| I'm gonna do this. | ||
| And he goes, but I can help you. | ||
| And Michael goes, you're out. | ||
| And he gets up and leaves. | ||
| He's beautiful, bro. | ||
| He's beautiful. | ||
| So no matter if he was reading cards and shit, you know, we forget. | ||
| You forget, bro. | ||
| You forget because we're subjected to such bad fucking movies. | ||
| But I watched that movie again the other day, and I've been watching pieces. | ||
| I don't have the time to sit and watch three hours, but it's been on HBO. And I watched the scene where he comes down, and he tells Duval, cars are coming to my house. | ||
| Robert Duvall's another one who's great. | ||
| He tells him, you know, tell your Don, whatever he seems to know. | ||
| And he goes, but I was about to, but you had to have a drink. | ||
| Takes the drink out of his hand and drinks it. | ||
| He goes, no, you had your drink. | ||
| I get goosebumps. | ||
| I've seen that scene a hundred times. | ||
| I still get goosebumps, bro. | ||
| When he looks at Sonny, and he throws that curtain down on that table, and he tells that dude, look how they massacred my son. | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| Are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| Yeah, go ahead. | ||
| Get the guy from England Gangs of New York. | ||
| He'll take that guy and break him in fucking half by his neck like a chicken. | ||
| You understand me? | ||
| At that time, that dude was dropping it on you. | ||
| With cue cards, with whatever. | ||
| Didn't matter. | ||
| It didn't matter. | ||
| He knew who the fuck he was on the way in there. | ||
| You know what's interesting, man? | ||
| They did Last Tango in Paris. | ||
| That's what's interesting. | ||
| They did a fucking porno after that. | ||
| And they really hated it. | ||
| What? | ||
| Last Tango in Paris. | ||
| Look at the poster for that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was a porno? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It was a porno? | ||
| Why do you say it was a porno? | ||
| It was as close to porn as could be. | ||
| Was it really? | ||
| Look at the poster for it. | ||
| I'm looking at it. | ||
| It was like nine and a half weeks kind of porn. | ||
| Yeah, it's him and some broad... | ||
| Making out in this thing. | ||
| Italian-American, Franco-Italian romantic erotic drama. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I never saw that. | ||
| Yeah, he's crazy in that, too. | ||
| He puts light bulbs in a pussy, Italian white wine and shit, balsamic vinaigrette and shit. | ||
| Light bulbs in a pussy! | ||
|
unidentified
|
The original battery. | |
| A recent American widower who begins an anonymous sexual relationship with a young, betrothed Parisian woman. | ||
| Marlon Brando, Maria Schneider. | ||
| Who's Maria Schneider? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Still alive. | ||
| Live and kicking. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| Died. | ||
| 58, 2011. In Paris. | ||
| Died in Paris. | ||
| 58's not that old. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know, it's interesting, I was going to say that some movies, like The Godfather holds up perfect. | ||
| The Godfather could be in the movies today. | ||
| It would seem a little unusual because of the way it's sort of filmed and framed and the music in it and everything like that. | ||
| It would stand out as being unusual, but it would totally hold up. | ||
| But other movies from that era, big movies that you really enjoyed from that era, dog shit. | ||
| The French Connection, you want to shoot yourself. | ||
| Is it really bad? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Except for the bar when he shakes everybody down. | ||
| Popeye Doyle is here. | ||
| What the fuck is this? | ||
| And he makes the milkshake. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's all really good. | ||
| But everything else, the mechanic, drags. | ||
| Any Charles Bronson movie, you want to shoot yourself down. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's brutal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Even hard times holds up. | ||
| The mechanic? | ||
| That's slow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, I should try to watch The Godfather. | |
| I've never watched any of them. | ||
| It's slow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Slow. | |
| The mechanic, you gotta have balls of steel. | ||
| Your wife, no. | ||
| She's the... | ||
| Don't look at Jan Michael Vincent and die for about 20 minutes. | ||
| He's an example of a guy who fell apart. | ||
| Nobody... | ||
| America doesn't know the beauty of a man. | ||
| Because remember, if Jan Michael Vincent would have kept it together, Richard Gere would have still been jumping down with fucking... | ||
| Hindus in fucking Baghdad, wherever the fuck he was. | ||
| He's a Buddhist, Richard Gere, big time. | ||
| There would have been no Richard Gere because he was blonde, dog. | ||
| He was about to kill it. | ||
| He killed it with the world's greatest athlete. | ||
| Remember when we were kids? | ||
| Disney? | ||
| He picked up the fucking weights and his arms stayed there and shit. | ||
| He was that. | ||
| He played a movie called Defiance where he's a longshoreman on the west side with Paulie Walnuts and the Sopranos, Danny Aiello, And they attack a fucking gang, like a Mexican-Puerto Rican gang. | ||
| That movie was on HBO for a while. | ||
| But that movie, The Mechanic, is slow as fuck. | ||
| Then they go to Italy. | ||
| That's slow as fuck, too, when they go to Italy. | ||
| He was born in Denver, Colorado, and he's still alive. | ||
| Jan Michael Vinson is still alive. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| 69 years old. | ||
| And with no fucking kidneys or liver. | ||
| That motherfucker's just... | ||
| Isn't that crazy though? | ||
| Last Tango in Paris, chick, dead as fuck. | ||
| John Michael Vincent, pickled, drunk as shit. | ||
| Low teeth. | ||
| Still kicking. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| He's fucking, apparently he's got some issues too. | ||
| He left Hollywood 12 years ago for a life on the Mississippi Delta. | ||
| That's where he lives now. | ||
| God, it's gotta be a weird ride, man. | ||
| Not everybody's cut out for that kind of movie star Tom Cruise type shit. | ||
| As crazy as that Tom Cruise motherfucker is, keeps it together pretty goddamn good. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure if you talk to one of his ex-wives, they would say, ooh, they would tell you some horror story about people in fucking crazy outfits, you know, telling them about Xenu up on the planet Pluton or some shit that's controlling Tom's vibrations, forcing him to recite the doctrine of Scientology. | ||
| But if you look at, like, what he's done and the fact that he's still alive and kicking, from, go back to, like, what was that first movie, uh, Just take those old records off the show. | ||
| What movie was that? | ||
| Risky Business. | ||
| Go from Risky Business to today, in 2014, Tom Cruise is still knocking it out of the park as a movie star. | ||
| Do you know why, John Rogan? | ||
| Scientology. | ||
| Because besides Scientology, he's as well prepared as you are. | ||
| He's on top of his game. | ||
| You know that you can't be fucking around and getting 20 million a movie fucking around. | ||
| He's on top of his game. | ||
| You know what, bro, he's got some movies that you watch him and go, yeah, this sucks. | ||
| But, dog, yeah, he went from risky business, and all of a sudden he rocked against Jack Nicholson in that movie, with the Marine movie. | ||
| What's the name of that fucking movie? | ||
| Oh yeah, A Few Good Men. | ||
| You know, whatever. | ||
| He rocked in that. | ||
| And then he rocked this fucking Jerry Maguire. | ||
| I mean, he hit it out of the fucking park as an agent. | ||
| But dog, when you watch that fucking movie where he plays the hitman with Jamie Foxx. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| And he goes into the Japanese bar in Koreatown. | ||
| And he starts shooting motherfuckers. | ||
| Look at his legs when he's shooting. | ||
| That's military-style shooting. | ||
| You just don't make that up if you're a Scientologist. | ||
| So that means for three weeks before that, he went and worked somewhere. | ||
| He was beautiful in that movie. | ||
| He was beautiful in that scene. | ||
| Out of all the guys who've ever done those movies, he's the most consistent. | ||
| Like, he does his own stunts, his own race car driving stunts, all that shit. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| I'm sorry to tell you. | ||
| He's a tiny dude. | ||
| Ricky Cruz played his double in... | ||
| The movie where he sang, that was horrendously bad. | ||
| He sang in a movie? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh, the Sunset Strip movie played a rock star. | ||
| Oh, Alec Baldwin and all those people. | ||
| What was that movie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Rock of Ages. | |
| Rock of Ages. | ||
| I heard that was a hunk of shit. | ||
| Oh, they said it was the kiss of death. | ||
| Ricky Cruz played his double? | ||
| His standard. | ||
| But I heard it's an exaggeration that it's not that tiny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| I heard that they actually build sets where it's bigger so he can stand on whoever he's with. | ||
| Well, they did that with him and Brad Pitt. | ||
| When him and Brad Pitt did Interview with the Vampire, Brad Pitt talked about how they would walk, and Tom Cruise would walk next to him on, like, a ramp. | ||
| So, like, Brad Pitt would walk here, and Tom Cruise would walk next to him on a ramp. | ||
| Because he had to be the same height as him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I bet they do that for a lot of movies, though. | |
| Because they have these, you know, leads that he, like the actresses, they can't have the actress be taller than him, so... | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| Well, it's weird that that hasn't hampered him in any way. | ||
| He's still one of the main movie stars. | ||
| He rocks the house. | ||
| Rocks the house. | ||
| He rocks the house in this... | ||
| I'm telling you, Joey, go see this goddamn movie. | ||
| I'm a Tom Cruise guy. | ||
| You don't have to sell me... | ||
| But there's some people... | ||
| Leonardo DiCaprio? | ||
| You're gonna sell me on that. | ||
| That's another guy to give a big envelope to. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| He does it. | ||
| He does it. | ||
| That big envelope... | ||
| Yeah, he's gonna do dog shits, bro. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You can't control that. | ||
| CAA calls him. | ||
| Guess what we have? | ||
| A movie about a bar. | ||
| You're gonna be great. | ||
| Next thing you know, he's tap dancing. | ||
| I'm sure while they give him envelopes it's okay after he goes to the fucking screen. | ||
| 5'7". | ||
| See, he's 5'7", and Ving Rims is actually 6'0", but this is an example where they're trying to make him look... | ||
| I don't think he's 5'7". | ||
| I think that's a lie. | ||
| I think that's one of those Napoleon things. | ||
| You know, everybody talks about Napoleon being short. | ||
| You know Napoleon was like above average height for the time? | ||
| He wasn't short. | ||
| It was England fucking with him. | ||
| They would do all these jokes about Napoleon being short. | ||
| He was 5'6". | ||
| Back then people were tiny as shit. | ||
| So like 5'6 back then was like a normal sized dude. | ||
| Is this the same website you keep pulling up, CollegeHumor? | ||
| I don't know if they substantiated that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All the other websites also said 5'7". | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 5'7". | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here's one with Tom Cruise. | |
| Yep, 5'7". | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cameron Diaz. | |
| He's 5'7". | ||
|
unidentified
|
See how they're making him... | |
| They're constantly always making him taller, even though these people are way taller than him. | ||
| Oh, so he's standing on something here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, like little buckets and stuff. | |
| Yeah, it says, wouldn't it be funny if he's actually six feet tall, but this is just a giant troll that everybody's saying he's 5'7". | ||
| He's 5'7", 5'7". | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, he's walking next to people. | ||
| Well, Katie Holmes was giant. | ||
| They would go out in public. | ||
| Katie Holmes was legitimately like 5'10", right? | ||
| Wasn't she? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I think she's kind of a young girl. | |
| What? | ||
| Oh, she is. | ||
| She's 5'9". | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But so was Nicole Kidman. | ||
| Nicole Kidman was big too. | ||
| What's going on there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got some shit in his shoes. | |
| Well, there's dudes who wear stuff in their shoes. | ||
| Mimi Rogers is big too, right? | ||
| Yeah, Mimi Rogers is big. | ||
| He was married to Mimi Rogers. | ||
| He slung some dick, though. | ||
| Maybe he didn't. | ||
| Whatever he did, he figured out how to get all these girls to marry him. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| We'll never get the full story because Scientology is so secretive and inclusive and so culty. | ||
| But what a fascinating story that would be. | ||
| The rumors are all true. | ||
| If he really is a closeted gay guy that has arranged marriages and they go on for 10 years and the women get all this money and he needs them because this is the image that he's trying to... | ||
| To portray. | ||
| That's a fascinating story. | ||
| Listen, let me explain something to you, because I was thinking about this. | ||
| Look at what happened with Donald Sterling. | ||
| How many meetings could you go to and say to yourself, I can make a fucking killing if I could get my phone to tape a meeting of, you know, seeing like a Scientology party, what it really is. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like Travolta and fucking Tom Cruise jumping on bikinis on and some guys whipping them and shit. | ||
| Somebody would sell that for $100 million. | ||
| That's $100 million. | ||
| Well, you know, you're seeing that now with certain guys, like this Bryan Singer guy that directs the X-Men. | ||
| This is the guy that is in trouble because one of his ex-boyfriends is claiming that he was sexually exploited and they passed him around. | ||
| Have you paid attention to this? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| They have fucking parties. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| No hate. | ||
| Gay motherfuckers know how to party. | ||
| They know how to party. | ||
| They know how to party. | ||
| These guys have this fucking... | ||
| There's photos. | ||
| Pull up some photos of Bryan Singer's parties. | ||
| He has parties where he has red lights in the swimming pool and they're filled with twinks. | ||
| It's a twink soup. | ||
| And everyone is dancing around the pool. | ||
| The pool is flooded by guys with no shirts on. | ||
| And they're all touching each other and having a great fucking time. | ||
| And if you're gay, that's got to be the way. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| That's the way to fucking party. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| What is everybody angry at? | ||
| What's twinks? | ||
| Twinks. | ||
| Twinks are like little skinny gay guys that look, you know, kind of like boyish. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hankscliff. | |
| That's a type. | ||
| Yeah, super twink. | ||
| Hankscliff is a super twink. | ||
| But like, look at this. | ||
| What is wrong with this? | ||
| This looks like a super positive scene to me. | ||
| I don't have any problem with anything I see here. | ||
| I see a bunch of guys doing what they want to do. | ||
| They're pants off. | ||
| They're hanging around in a pool. | ||
| Who gives a shit? | ||
| Why is the water brown, though? | ||
| What the fuck is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's blood water. | |
| It's from all that ass sex. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, come on, guys. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| There's a light in the pool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| There's lights. | ||
| You see in the corner. | ||
| You see the red light. | ||
| It's obvious. | ||
| There's lights. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or it's white. | |
| There's red light bulbs. | ||
| Listen, guy. | ||
| Bryan Singer, he's been around for a while. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What kind of movies have he directed before? | ||
| He directed a lot of movies. | ||
| Like what? | ||
| Like X-Men. | ||
| He did a lot of X-Men movies. | ||
| But that was like two years ago, right? | ||
| No, I think he's done quite a few of them, right? | ||
| Hasn't he? | ||
| He's done a bunch of shit. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Bryan Singer, let's pull it up. | ||
| Yeah, isn't there like that one guy that was suing because he was like the guy that got passed around by all the guys? | ||
| Yeah, but you know what, man? | ||
| Here's the deal. | ||
| If you show up for one of those things and you got passed around, you're like, what the hell? | ||
| I gotta get out of here. | ||
| This is a bad situation. | ||
| If you keep showing up and you keep getting passed around and then you want to write a book about it, you could have left. | ||
| You know what time it is. | ||
| You got a co-star part and you got fucked in the ass 82 times. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Listen, and I can see that happening in Hollywood. | ||
| It happens to women all the time, guys. | ||
| They go to these fucking parties. | ||
| I don't know what type of parties there are. | ||
| Next thing you know, they're in the Hollywood Hills. | ||
| They're doing fucking roofies. | ||
| They're doing blow. | ||
| And there's eight fucking young guys. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| And it happens. | ||
| Have I been to one? | ||
| No. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| It has to happen with little young guys that are confused here. | ||
| They come from a small town. | ||
| They're gay. | ||
| They go to an audition. | ||
| Brian Singer contacts him. | ||
| I want to talk to you personally. | ||
| You know, let's do lunch. | ||
| Next thing you know, you're at a fucking pool. | ||
| And let's go. | ||
| Let's go upstairs. | ||
| Probably can't even believe it. | ||
| You know, you watch that movie with Tom Cruise. | ||
| One of the darkest movies he made. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Which movie with Tom Cruise? | |
| That's a fucking great movie, bro. | ||
| Which movie? | ||
|
unidentified
|
The one with all the masks? | |
| Yes. | ||
| That's why I shut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's always on late night on IFC. Why are you saying Bryan Singer? | |
| Because I compare that situation to something like that. | ||
| Oh, Stanley Kubrick, yeah. | ||
| Not Stanley Kubrick, but that situation where a bunch of old guys, they're fucking gazillionaires. | ||
| Oh, I see, I see. | ||
| And once a month, they go to a house. | ||
| Red Band tells me to call the phone and say, Red Devil... | ||
| And he sends you to a house in the hills. | ||
| A car picks you up. | ||
| You don't even know where you're going. | ||
| How fucking creepy. | ||
| And they take you to a house and there's a fucking hundred tens. | ||
| Walking around with masks on. | ||
| Naked. | ||
| Naked. | ||
| And you're doing the sacrilegious shit with drums with a robe on. | ||
| Which means you're going to fuck somebody in the ass until they die. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Tom Cruise was fucking a chick and she was on coke. | ||
| And she took her in. | ||
| The doctor was Sidney Pollack. | ||
| Nobody fucking remembers it. | ||
| I don't remember that movie at all. | ||
| That's a fucking dark movie. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it a good movie? | |
| Bro, what happens is Nicole Kidman fucks with him. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| I never thought Nicole Kidman was shit until I watched that movie. | ||
| Nicole Kidman eats him up and spits him alive, like, with this accent. | ||
| She starts to tell him about, there once was a time when I went to this thing with this army guy. | ||
| And he, he, he, you were a man. | ||
| Like, he starts telling me he wasn't a man, but that she went And this guy, that Navy guy. | ||
| So he got so mad, he started getting in the cab and he kept seeing spots of this fucking guy just ramming Nicole Kidman. | ||
| Black and white footage in your head of this guy with a Navy hat just blasting. | ||
| And finally he goes to get a hooker. | ||
| She's missing or something. | ||
| So he goes into an Arabian, this dude, to get a... | ||
| Because he goes to see his buddy who's at the piano play. | ||
| And the guy goes, no, no, no, I got a gig I can't tell you about. | ||
| And he tells him about the gig. | ||
| He goes, you got to wear a cape and a top hat. | ||
| So this dude has to go to a fucking costume store at midnight, wakes up the guy. | ||
| But when he wakes up the guy to rent the costume, they hear something. | ||
| And they go in the room, and the guy, the costume guy, has a daughter who's 15, and she's getting fucked by two Japanese guys with wigs and mascara on and pink shit on their faces. | ||
| This is darker than fuck! | ||
| And Tom Cruise walks in the middle of this, and all of a sudden he's like, what the fuck's going on? | ||
| And he takes a cab to this place. | ||
| He gives the cab 200 bucks. | ||
| And he walks in and he sees all these naked women. | ||
| He tells them the code word. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking dark. | ||
| He goes in there and Sidney Pollack. | ||
| Then the next day he goes looking for the piano guy and the piano guy's missing. | ||
| Gone. | ||
| Because they go up to Tom Cruise during the thing and they go, we know who you are. | ||
| We advise you to get the hell out of here. | ||
| The next day the piano player is gone. | ||
| Done. | ||
| Finito. | ||
| He goes back to the costume store to return the stuff. | ||
| One thing leads to another. | ||
| Guy goes, oh no, you're missing the bow tie. | ||
| And all of a sudden... | ||
| After all the yelling and screaming when she caught the fucking guy with the Japanese guys, the girl comes walking out of the back with the two Japanese guys with business suits on. | ||
| So he thinks he's in a fucking... | ||
| It's an awesome mindfuck if you could sit it out. | ||
| Stanley Kubrick was a bad motherfucker. | ||
| Was a bad motherfucker. | ||
| That movie took like three years to release. | ||
| There was something kinky about that movie. | ||
| Kubrick was dying. | ||
| But Nicole Kidman wears a pair of regular panties with a wife beater on with those little titties, dog. | ||
| What I mean, when little titties turn you on, when those two little beamers are up, and she's calling him like a fucking faggot to his face, she's like, you're a fucking faggot. | ||
| I dream of this Navy guy fucking taking me down and breathing on my neck. | ||
| I can smell his breath. | ||
| And he's like breaking inside. | ||
| He goes, really? | ||
| Well, I'm going to go out and sling some dick. | ||
| He's a doctor in the movie. | ||
| There she is right there. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| Little titties that say, get up and fucking come on these little fucking milk duds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at her. | |
| With that fucking hair bugged up, you pull her behind the fucking hair, and you drag her into the other. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at that little red fucking Australian little monkey. | ||
| It smells like an alligator. | ||
| Look at that fucking savage between her legs. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Look at those little bony hips. | ||
| You know how good they fuck? | ||
| We're sucking that fucking monster, and those hips are popping up. | ||
| Forget about it. | ||
| What do you think you're dealing with? | ||
| It's Wednesday, 11 o'clock. | ||
| That chick is banging. | ||
| I need to get that on my iPad tonight. | ||
| Eyes wide shut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's one of those movies I probably need to rewatch because I remember I didn't like it the first time. | |
| I think there was a lot of stuff in it. | ||
| I don't think I ever watched it. | ||
| But every woman in that scene, and then he does blow with the chick, or she does blow. | ||
| And Stanley, that motherfucker's crazy. | ||
| Sidney Pollack, you know, he's like, she's dead or some shit or whatever. | ||
| I'm a doctor. | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| You're losing it. | ||
| It didn't get a good review. | ||
| No, no, because it was Stanley. | ||
| You know, it was dark, dog. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are Stanley's other movies? | ||
| Real quick. | ||
| 2001, A Space Odyssey. | ||
| Space Odyssey, but he's got another one that's crazy. | ||
| Cockwork Orange, he's got a... | ||
| Yeah, they're all fucking dark movies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But what's another Stanley, like an army movie? | ||
| Doesn't he have a dark... | ||
| Oh, yeah, Full Metal Jacket. | ||
| That's his shit. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's fucking dark army shit. | ||
| Brilliant. | ||
| What is in that thing? | ||
| That's a brilliant movie. | ||
| Of Jelly Donut. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Colbert Pyle, you know. | ||
| That's the best army movie ever. | ||
| Full Metal Jacket? | ||
| Is there a better army movie? | ||
| Apocalypse Now is up there too. | ||
| It's up there. | ||
| It's up there. | ||
| But I think Full Metal Jacket's better. | ||
| I think it might be better. | ||
| It's right up there. | ||
| Platoon? | ||
| That's up there too. | ||
| That's up there too. | ||
| Saving Private Ryan's up there too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That opening scene, man, when they fucking hit that beach, that is as real as a fucking war scene gets. | ||
| My heart was beating up a fucking storm, man. | ||
| And that fucking, you know, movie isn't bad when I watch it. | ||
| What's the one with Down, whatever? | ||
| Black Hawk Down? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Never saw it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a great movie. | |
| You've never seen Black Hawk Down? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| To me, it's not a... | ||
| Listen, bro. | ||
| To me, that fucking opening scene with Martin Sheen in Apocalypse Now, when he's narrating it, and he's like, I'm waiting for a minute. | ||
| I went to see that movie on Double Barrel Sunshine Acid with John Crowley, Didi Quintero, and Kurt DiLorenzo. | ||
| And we were out there waiting to go in, and there was a Carvel next to the place. | ||
| I'll never forget this, Joe Rogan. | ||
| I was tripping my balls off, and there was a Carvel next to this movie theater. | ||
| It was the second, it was the midnight showing in Apocalypse Now. | ||
| It had just come out on Friday. | ||
| It was a midnight movie. | ||
| We were in high school. | ||
| It's midnight on Double Barrel Sunshine Acid. | ||
| Burn it! | ||
| Burn it when your eyes are burning! | ||
| You're seeing shit, and we're waiting online. | ||
| There's an ice cream cone that's tipped over. | ||
| Somebody went to the movie theater and tipped it over, and it had ants on it. | ||
| And my friend John Crowley picked it up and started eating. | ||
| I thought I was going to fucking die. | ||
| And then we went in for the midnight show at 16 years old, whatever the fuck I was, and watched Apocalypse Now on acid. | ||
| I thought I was going to fucking die, dog. | ||
| That scene where they start shooting arrows at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Out of the fucking wilderness. | ||
| That's another movie that don't sleep on that. | ||
| And forget the Redux. | ||
| I like the Redux when they show him in France and eat with the people. | ||
| That's okay. | ||
| But it takes you away from the fucking path. | ||
| I like what they released because it's straight. | ||
| The Redux is good for a little while. | ||
| The bodies, the French guy, they all have dinner at that table. | ||
| But I really like the fucking original. | ||
| People like the redux because it's just got some added scenes. | ||
| It gives you a little extra something. | ||
| It's three and a half hours. | ||
| Sometimes a little extra something is not what you need. | ||
| No, it's not what you need. | ||
| They cut that movie a certain fucking way. | ||
| The movie was creepy, bro. | ||
| It was creepy. | ||
| There was parts of that movie where you feel creeped the fuck out. | ||
| You know what else I saw a couple weeks ago that you haven't seen Joe Rogan? | ||
| Midnight Express. | ||
| Great fucking movie. | ||
| When he bites that motherfucker's tongue out and shit, and he's standing there, and he's covered in fucking blood. | ||
| Oh, fucking tremendous. | ||
| That was the first time I ever saw a movie where a guy got arrested in another country, and I was like, oh, don't get arrested in another country, especially for drugs. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| When they took his clothes on and he had the envelope stuck to his body, the lumen thing, you feel it. | ||
| Your heart's beating because the director, and he's got his hands up, and he's got the guns all around him. | ||
| And they take him in. | ||
| Somebody fucked him. | ||
| He became gay in there. | ||
| He became gay in there. | ||
| And then that's when the guy kept fucking with him. | ||
| And the guy hung his friend's cat. | ||
| And once he woke up and seen the cat hanging, the guy went nuts. | ||
| He goes, you charge this for fucked up tea. | ||
| You don't sell his hash. | ||
| And he just starts beating. | ||
| That's one of the greatest beatings of all time. | ||
| Remember, he's kicking him. | ||
| The guy's under the sink crawling. | ||
| He's bleeding. | ||
| He's begging for his life. | ||
| And he's just fucking losing. | ||
| He's been in this fucking foreign country. | ||
| He's been lied to the game 80 years. | ||
| You're dying and I'm dying too. | ||
| And he's kicking him. | ||
| He's kicking him. | ||
| He's kicking him. | ||
| And finally the guy crawls out. | ||
| He's got like one eye left. | ||
| And he fucking grabs him. | ||
| And he fucking, because he's a rat, he fucking mugs him. | ||
| And he takes his fucking tongue and he bites it out. | ||
| And they show the scene with his fucking tongue in his mouth. | ||
| The guy fucking falls. | ||
| And that guy died. | ||
| Did he die of AIDS in real life? | ||
| The guy that played him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The guy is brilliant. | ||
| He just sits there. | ||
| And you can see the rage. | ||
| You can feel it, bro. | ||
| I would go crazy if I was in fucking wherever jail they had you, and now you don't understand the language. | ||
| Some guy's selling you watered-down fucking pee. | ||
| He rats on you, and now he killed your friend's cat. | ||
| Bro, he throws a beat on that guy. | ||
| He hits him with the pots, the pans, and by the time he comes out from the other side, he's missing an eye, and he fucking grabs him and just bites his fucking tongue off of being a rat. | ||
| Good googly moogly. | ||
| I was in the fucking 8th or 7th grade, bro. | ||
| That's the movies I watched. | ||
| I don't know, fucking X-Men. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| That's a great fucking movie. | ||
| That was a great fucking movie. | ||
| That was a movie, too, that taught a lot of kids not to fucking smuggle drugs in the country. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Because there's a lot of people that watch that locked up abroad, and they're like, well, the guy's on TV now. | ||
| I guess he got away with it. | ||
| Everything's fine. | ||
| Most people that got locked up abroad didn't go so well. | ||
| You ever watch that show? | ||
| Terrifying fucking show. | ||
| I don't even go there. | ||
| You don't watch that show? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I don't even want to go there mentally. | ||
| No. | ||
| Listen, I don't need volumes that bad. | ||
| I've got to cross the border to Mexico and try to bring them over. | ||
| Once that happens, you're gone, bro. | ||
| Well, Mexico's not nearly as bad. | ||
| Crossing from Mexico into America, that's nothing like getting arrested in Turkey. | ||
| That petrifies me. | ||
| You want my fears? | ||
| I don't even want to leave the country with drugs. | ||
| While I do drugs, I don't want to leave this country because I need them. | ||
| I don't want to get caught somewhere buying them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because I need them. | |
| Sure, you want to smoke a joint in fucking Africa, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And who knows what the laws are there? | ||
| What's the laws for weed in China? | ||
| Not good. | ||
| Yeah, they'll lock you up. | ||
| They'll give you 80 fucking years. | ||
| What is Ari doing over there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| Staying clean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus. | |
| I wonder what Ari's doing for weed. | ||
| Yes, he's definitely staying clean. | ||
| Yes, he's staying clean. | ||
| General Mao, or whatever the fuck his name is, chairman. | ||
| What do they give you for weed over there? | ||
| Like, what type of shit they give you for weed in China? | ||
| What, as far as, like, sentence? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not good. | ||
| It's very bad. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Yeah, weed in China is very bad. | ||
| Weed in North Korea is legal. | ||
| Isn't that weird? | ||
| That's weird. | ||
| No. | ||
| Are drugs bad in China? | ||
| They have cocaine problems. | ||
| Listen, the mob stole the idea from the people in China, so I know they're selling coke or something. | ||
| Not everybody's going to jail for 80 years in China. | ||
| Let me pee real quick. | ||
| Drug laws in China. | ||
| Let's look it up. | ||
| Illegal drug trade in China. | ||
| It's pretty simple. | ||
| China has one-fifth of the world's population and a large and expanding economy, while opium has played an important role in the country's history since the beginning, oh, since before the First and Second Opium Wars, the 19th century. | ||
| China's large landmass, close proximity to the Golden Triangle, and numerous coastal cities with large and modern port facilities make it An attractive transit center for drug trafficking. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| What is the fucking opium war? | ||
| You ever hear of opium wars? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sounds awesome. | |
| Let's go. | ||
| Sounds like a good movie. | ||
| The first opium war. | ||
| Okay, let's find out about the opium war. | ||
| Damn, it was in the 1800s. | ||
| It was fought between Great Britain and China over their conflicting viewpoints on diplomatic relations trade and the administration of justice for foreign nationals. | ||
| Prior to the conflict, Chinese officials wished to end the spread of opium We're good to go. | ||
| Objected to the seizure and used its military power to enforce violent redress. | ||
| So there's two of them. | ||
| One of them was in the 1800s there, and another one was in 1856 to 1860. There's two different opium wars. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| How much time do they give you? | ||
| They give you a lot of time? | ||
| Yeah, let's see. | ||
| Drug seizures, treaties and conventions, drug laws, agencies. | ||
| Okay, let's see. | ||
| Drug law enforcement. | ||
| Yeah, it's not good. | ||
| Don't do drugs in China. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's all I have to say. | |
| Remember the Mickey Rourke movie? | ||
| That's another fucking underappreciated movie. | ||
| Year of the Dragon? | ||
| Tremendous. | ||
| 1985, dawg. | ||
| That was a great fucking movie. | ||
| Fuck you who your uncle. | ||
| We want me money. | ||
| Because what the story was about, basically, was that the Chinese said, you know what, bro? | ||
| How long are you motherfuckers going to be fucking us in the ass? | ||
| They can't catch us. | ||
| They never have. | ||
| You never read about the DA busting the Chinese smuggling heroin. | ||
| Yeah, why is that? | ||
| They're that brilliant. | ||
| They've been doing it since the beginning of time. | ||
| Are they still doing it in Chinatown? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't live there no more. | ||
| I heard it's in Newark now. | ||
| But I know when I was growing up, the Chinese gave it to the black power guys. | ||
| The Chinese supplied the Jews. | ||
| The Chinese supplied all the major outlets. | ||
| They raped them. | ||
| They didn't give them their cut. | ||
| They paid them a percentage wholesale, and then they went out and cut it 18 times. | ||
| And on a $30,000 investment, you made a half a million dollars, bro. | ||
| Wasn't that a part of that movie with Denzel Washington where his friend was... | ||
| American Gangster. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| That's what it was. | ||
| Wasn't a part of it was going to China? | ||
| Well, he was bringing it in from Vietnam with dead bodies. | ||
| Bringing it in from Vietnam, but it was... | ||
| Yeah, with Jay Gordon Liddy. | ||
| All those motherfuckers went on it. | ||
| All those motherfuckers. | ||
| What do you think they were doing? | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Everybody want to go to make tours of Vietnam? | ||
| They were over there fucking bringing in heroin and body bags, bro. | ||
| The government knew that. | ||
| That was the CIA and all those heavy duties, right? | ||
| That's what he got in trouble. | ||
| Well, he got in trouble for Watergate, but it's known that he was over there sending his back and shit, wasn't he? | ||
| Well, there was so much money. | ||
| When you have so much money, the amount of money in heroin in the Vietnam, especially back then, there was no Wikipedia, no Edward Snowden, no Julian Assange. | ||
| You could hide shit pretty fucking easy. | ||
| And there was so much money to be made in heroin, why wouldn't the government make it? | ||
| I think their idea was like, look, we'd be crazy. | ||
| Someone's going to make this money, and if they make the money, they're going to control the resources that they get from that money. | ||
| They're going to be able to have influence and power and do things to people with that money. | ||
| Fucking, we'll just do it. | ||
| We'll do it the right way. | ||
| And they just... | ||
| Just started selling heroin. | ||
| Just started doing it. | ||
| I mean, that was one of the main reasons why we had a hard time getting out of Vietnam. | ||
| The amount of money that was being generated. | ||
| Is that the truth? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Vietnam and heroin is very well documented. | ||
| The Vietnam trade in heroin is a fascinating story. | ||
| Because it's essentially repeating itself in Afghanistan. | ||
| Everybody buries their head in the sand. | ||
| Nobody wants to admit it. | ||
| But the Afghanistan poppy... | ||
| The amount of heroin grown in Afghanistan is a huge percentage of the world's heroin. | ||
| Not just a little bit of Afghanistan money, the world's... | ||
| Okay, let's look it up. | ||
| What do you guess? | ||
| Percentage of heroin, percentage of world heroin grown in Afghanistan. | ||
| Take a guess. | ||
| What would you think it is? | ||
| 70%. | ||
| Okay, percentage of world's heroin in Afghanistan. | ||
| I'm going to say 90. Let's see. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ten. | |
| Shut up, dude. | ||
| Okay, let's find it. | ||
| Opium production in Afghanistan. | ||
| Wikipedia. | ||
| Amounts to export value of $4 billion. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| That's wholesale, correct? | ||
| Well, I don't think you tax it. | ||
| Well, that's wholesale selling it to me for an ounce or a pound for whatever and me cutting it and me... | ||
| If it's $4 billion wholesale, that they're the wholesalers. | ||
| They grow it, they process it, and I come over and pick it up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know how they work it. | ||
| It's just amazing. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| That's fucking amazing. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Well, one thing is a fact. | ||
| I'm having a hard time finding the numbers, but one thing is a fact that it's gone up. | ||
| They're all saying that it hits record highs despite billions of dollars spent to combat heroin trade. | ||
| Afghanistan opium production hits record highs. | ||
| This is a 2013 The United States spent $7 billion to combat opium production. | ||
| So they're stealing from both sides. | ||
| They spent $7 billion and it went up. | ||
| It rose 36%. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| 60,000 U.S. forces left Afghanistan down from a peak of $100,000. | ||
| So what they're saying is essentially no matter what they do, the heroin production keeps going up. | ||
| Hmm, how weird. | ||
| It's hysterical. | ||
| Who's the actor that just died tragically? | ||
| Which one? | ||
| The guy in New York? | ||
| Paul Walker? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| From heroin. | ||
| Philip Seymour Hoffman. | ||
| Oh, from heroin. | ||
| After Philip Seymour Hoffman, they went and they said, boy, heroin's going to go down this city. | ||
| Some fucking crazy commissioner. | ||
| And he went and put a cop and they got the guy that sold the bags of heroin. | ||
| And then probably he rolled on somebody. | ||
| And once he rolled on somebody, that fucking cop got transferred to Ethiopia. | ||
| And that guy got fucking thrown, and that's it. | ||
| They can't go. | ||
| You know, it's so fucking big, the heroin trade. | ||
| And one part of it, somebody normal who doesn't, would say, yeah, we're going to fucking combat it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Really? | ||
| Fucking heroin prices have gone down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
90% of the world's opium. | |
| Yeah, 90. 90%. | ||
| In 2000, it was 70. Heroin is down to, like, you could buy $7 bags of heroin, bro. | ||
| $7. | ||
| I could borrow $7 every fucking day, guys. | ||
| $7. | ||
| That's nuts. | ||
| But how crazy is it that one spot, 90% of the world's supply, the world is 7 billion people. | ||
| How many people do heroin in the world? | ||
| The numbers have to be crazy. | ||
| When you add in all these other countries, not just America, add in Mexico, add in Canada, add in everywhere, the whole world. | ||
| Mexico has their own heroin, correct? | ||
| They process their own heroin? | ||
| I don't believe so. | ||
| They get the poppy from there and they process it in Mexico. | ||
| Because Mexican heroin is that black tar. | ||
| It's thick. | ||
| You've got to shoot it. | ||
| The shit that you buy in New York, they have this white stuff, you can snort it. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| And they tell you it's for suburban kids that don't like needles. | ||
| Oh, so they're snorting it. | ||
| Listen, bro, the heroin in New York isn't sold to Spanish people and Puerto Ricans in the Bronx and black people. | ||
| That's what the New York trade is wrong. | ||
| The heroin that's sold in New York is the fucking 20-year-old yuppies that do a blast. | ||
| They don't shoot it. | ||
| They snort it. | ||
| That's where the big heroin is sold. | ||
| Yeah, you still got the old geezers that are fucking shooting it. | ||
| We don't see more Hoffman shooting it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, have you tried the snorting version? | |
| What do you feel? | ||
| How do you feel? | ||
| I've never shot it. | ||
| I snorted it. | ||
| And the first time it was... | ||
| I got sick. | ||
| I got really pukey and I got sick. | ||
| But after I puked, I felt better. | ||
| And I got really high. | ||
| The first time I did it was like a pass out type mode. | ||
| Like I was thinking about stuff. | ||
| Like I was thinking about... | ||
| He was playing music and I was thinking about stuff. | ||
| The second time I did it, I was locked up. | ||
| You did it in jail? | ||
| In jail, in prison. | ||
| That time I did it. | ||
| Did it come off a dude's butt? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| How did it get in there? | ||
| Visitation day. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| You swap spit. | ||
| It was in my mouth, hidden in a balloon, and I swap spit with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Not me. | ||
| I didn't smuggle it. | ||
| A dude or a girl? | ||
| A girl. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A girl. | |
| A wife comes in and swap spit with you. | ||
| It's not worth it. | ||
| And then what that one was was black tar heroin. | ||
| And what the guy did was he cooked it and he poured it in my nose with the syringe, but nothing happened. | ||
| Nothing happened. | ||
| Didn't work. | ||
| They're saying that 40% more poppies are grown in Mexico than marijuana now. | ||
| They're growing more heroin, 40% more than marijuana. | ||
| The problem with the heroin, the marijuana, is that it's legal here, essentially. | ||
| Essentially legal in California. | ||
| California's right next door. | ||
| Listen, Mexicans are nice people, but they can't compete with what the fuck is going on in Northern California. | ||
| They're very nice people. | ||
| Or Southern California. | ||
| You can't compete anywhere. | ||
| And that brown weed, there's still people in parts of the country that smoke that brown weed. | ||
| That goes to Connecticut. | ||
| That goes to Boston. | ||
| That goes to Minneapolis. | ||
| A lot of brown weed. | ||
| There's still a little traffic left in that brown weed. | ||
| But for the most part, it don't take no fucking genius to know, listen, them fucking young kids in Northern California, they're about to fucking blow up the world what they're doing up there. | ||
| Even Amsterdam's like, we can't compete no more. | ||
| Amsterdam's gone. | ||
| People go, hey, you ever go to Amsterdam? | ||
| Why the fuck would I go to Amsterdam when I can go to Denver? | ||
| Gone. | ||
| Gone. | ||
| It's all over, gentlemen. | ||
| Don't believe the hype. | ||
| And they're closing all the stores. | ||
| My store is done at the end of the month. | ||
| The store next to it is the end of the month. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Divine Wellness went down. | ||
| All my favorite spots are gone. | ||
| Why? | ||
| They just shut them down. | ||
| Now they went after landlords again. | ||
| Why would they do that? | ||
| Why would they do that? | ||
| They gotta pass it just to get it legal like it is in Denver. | ||
| Denver's making so much money, hand over fist. | ||
| They did a CNBC show about it. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| There was a guy who was a weed pen company, says in two years his company's gonna be worth a billion dollars. | ||
| For fucking weed pens! | ||
| Vape pens! | ||
| People buying vape pens with no vape to put in it. | ||
| Just to have them in Connecticut, New York. | ||
| Well, you can have them legally. | ||
| You get waxed down and stuff like that. | ||
| You get waxed. | ||
| And you can grind the weed up. | ||
| There's a lot of them that you just grind the weed up and you pack them. | ||
| But you've got to pack them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Every time. | |
| Yeah, like every two or three hits, you've got to pack them. | ||
| Those are silly. | ||
| But they have them. | ||
| I'd like to see what would happen if they take the legal marijuana thing to Michigan and try to see, you know, throw it in Detroit. | ||
| Detroit, yeah. | ||
| It's a good move. | ||
| But people will get high and then realize, why the fuck are we staying in Detroit? | ||
| Listen, the first two months, people are going to be getting robbed on the way out. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| That's the problem you're going to have in Detroit. | ||
| They're going to have to hire too much security because... | ||
| You know, you just hear people park their car and walk over. | ||
| And I see it in Hollywood. | ||
| There were stories in Hollywood where people were robbing people outside of weed stores, you know? | ||
| Now these weed stores that are getting closed down, they're getting closed down by the DEA? Like, who's closing them down? | ||
| The city. | ||
| The city's closing them down. | ||
| The city's going after the landlords and going, we're going to fine you every day. | ||
| So the place I go, you got to hire an attorney. | ||
| So for every day he stays open, he's got to pay an attorney to keep him open. | ||
| And they just told me yesterday that at the end of June, they're done. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| But there's still so many stores. | ||
| So what are the rules where stores are allowed to be open and not open? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Is it like proximity to schools? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I know that Divine Wellness went down. | ||
| They were the edible kings. | ||
| Divine Wellness, in my eyes, they always had something to kill a motherfucker. | ||
| They had the capsules. | ||
| They had Auntie Dolores. | ||
| They had all the best shit. | ||
| And they told me they were moving to Canoga Park. | ||
| And this new company came in because, well, they were moving because they were 500 feet from a church. | ||
| There's a church right on Lancashire. | ||
| So Divine Wellness is moving to Canoga Park? | ||
| They moved to Canoga Park, and then some other motherfucking gangsters came in and said, Fuck it! | ||
| You're going to have to shut us down! | ||
| And I guess the landlord went in there and said, So then they shut down and reopened for like two days. | ||
| And I went there one day and they were locked. | ||
| So that one's shutting down. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Delivery services are the future. | |
| I mean, look at San Diego. | ||
| It happened in San Diego. | ||
| It's all delivery. | ||
| It's tricky, though. | ||
| Guys get set up and robbed. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's tricky. | ||
| See, what I'm doing right now is I'm not smoking no more. | ||
| It doesn't really matter. | ||
| I do the tubes in the morning. | ||
| What's a tube? | ||
| You know, the vapor tubes. | ||
| I get the Girl Scout cookies and the vapor pen. | ||
| And then by one o'clock I pop unedible. | ||
| You know, so I could buy a box of fucking Goomies. | ||
| I could have Goomies or Milo send me a box. | ||
| You know, that's the thing though. | ||
| They'll mail direct them. | ||
| As long as you send them a copy of your fucking license, they'll mail it to me. | ||
| She knows me, you know. | ||
| She knows I'm legit. | ||
| Yeah, I'm a big fan of the edibles anyway. | ||
| Me too. | ||
| It's a better high. | ||
| It's a better high. | ||
| I've been getting so much. | ||
| I sleep better. | ||
| I put this different water in my sleep apnea machine, and now the edibles let me sleep a lot better. | ||
| It's very nice. | ||
| And if you wanted to stay constantly medicated, you could be very functional with a small dose of marijuana every day. | ||
| Small dose of marijuana. | ||
| Small edible dose. | ||
| I popped mine about 11. I fucked up last week. | ||
| I got high before acupuncture. | ||
| That's fucking brutal. | ||
| That would be great. | ||
| No, she even said something to me. | ||
| Getting high before yoga. | ||
| Do that. | ||
| Getting high before yoga is tremendous. | ||
| You want to really appreciate weed? | ||
| Get high before yoga. | ||
| Because you get high from yoga anyway, and if you get high and then do the yoga, it releases some crazy chemicals. | ||
| When you do fucking... | ||
| When you get high, you go to even beginner yoga, where I was going... | ||
| 45 minutes passes before you even know. | ||
| You have like this, not a hallucinogenic trip, you have a body trip. | ||
| You start focusing on your knee and you can actually feel the blood going into your knee when you're high with the stretches. | ||
| Yoga is really cool. | ||
| That's what they say, to do the hot yoga with weed. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it really kicks it up. | ||
| I've never done the hot yoga. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's great. | |
| I have a heart attack. | ||
| No, you just bring water. | ||
| Bring cold water. | ||
| But the good thing about the hot yoga is it really warms you up for stretching. | ||
| Because when you're cold, it's very difficult to stretch. | ||
| That's why doing anything like real strenuous early in the morning is tricky. | ||
| You've got to really make sure you warm up. | ||
| When I lift weights in the morning, a lot of times I do. | ||
| I start my day by lifting weights. | ||
| I take 20 minutes to warm up. | ||
| 20 whole minutes of light kettlebell cleans, like swings and cleans, like light body weight squats, stretching, touching my toes, moving around, getting all the blood flowing. | ||
| Because you've got to think, for eight hours or whatever you sleep for, you're just sitting there while everything's just lying flat. | ||
| I mean, your blood's pumping and everything like that, but there's no movement. | ||
| So everything's kind of stiff and weird. | ||
| That's why when you wake up, your back hurts and If you go to bed for like two seconds and you lay down, your back doesn't hurt. | ||
| But when you go to bed for eight hours, you wake up and you're like, stiff. | ||
| It takes you a few minutes. | ||
| And then whatever that stiffness is, it's gone in half an hour or so, right? | ||
| It's gone in a little while. | ||
| You've got to warm the fuck up if you lift in the morning. | ||
| A lot of guys get hurt from that. | ||
| It's one of the main sources of injuries is early morning workouts. | ||
| You know, I have friends that have 7 a.m. | ||
| jiu-jitsu, and that sounds really cool, and 9 a.m. | ||
| jiu-jitsu, like fundamentals, that sounds cool, but not for me. | ||
| It's okay as long as you warm up. | ||
| I like 11, 30, 11. I'm doing other things. | ||
| I've walked around. | ||
| I think 9 o'clock in my body, but I'm having a heart attack. | ||
| I'm really scared. | ||
| Well, I have a big difference between, like, if I have a kickboxing workout at, like, 10 in the morning or a kickboxing workout at 7 at night, goddamn 7 at night, I'm on fire. | ||
| I'm on fire. | ||
| Way better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I'm opposite. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I like my shit over 11 o'clock. | ||
| 11 to 1, I'm done. | ||
| 8 o'clock for me to do jiu-jitsu is fucking brutal. | ||
| I'm out of air. | ||
| You know, even if I eat dinner at 4. Like, if I know I gotta go, like, Friday at 7, I go to beginner jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I eat at four. | ||
| So there's no misunderstandings. | ||
| It's a quick hour. | ||
| There's no calisthenics. | ||
| We practice the technique. | ||
| We roll for eight minutes and we're the fuck out of there. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| What do you eat before you work out? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| I don't take nothing. | ||
| If I'm going to do a long jiu-jitsu, I'll take two shroom techs. | ||
| But I don't do the shroom techs every time. | ||
| I like to space it out. | ||
| I can tell the difference when I take a baby aspirin than when I take shroom tech. | ||
| I see a big fucking difference. | ||
| So if I'm going to do something long, then I'll do the shroom tech. | ||
| If I'm going to do something like kettlebells, like just a short kettlebell workout, 10 sets of swings, maybe 3 sets of cleans, and a farmer's walk, I just do a baby aspirin. | ||
| And immediately a protein shake with glutamine and then one at night. | ||
| Each shake is 300 calories. | ||
| I make them with water, right? | ||
| The M4s, right? | ||
| You should get a little bit of sugar in there, too. | ||
| A little bit of natural sugar in your diet after a workout. | ||
| Yeah, replenish your glycogen, your glucose. | ||
| You eat some fruit. | ||
| Fruit is a good way to do it. | ||
| I do a lot of fruit. | ||
| Yeah, fruit juices with protein powder is a good way to do it after a workout. | ||
| But that's when you want to replenish, like within 30 minutes. | ||
| But I like fruit before I work out. | ||
| My favorite thing to eat before I work out is either oranges or pineapples because there's a lot of fiber in them. | ||
| And I feel like I've eaten like three or four oranges and then have a good workout an hour later. | ||
| There's no effects, like no cramping, no weirdness. | ||
| Easy to digest. | ||
| You know, pineapples the same way. | ||
| I eat like a nice bowl of pineapple like an hour or so before I work out. | ||
| It never bothers me at all. | ||
| But you have the fiber from the plant matter and you have plenty of fuel, you know, plenty of sugar in your body, but natural sugar, you know. | ||
| Sugar kills me, Joe Rogan. | ||
| But natural sugar, you see, when people have sugar, if you have sugar from a candy bar or something like that, that is the most unnatural form of sugar that human beings have ever created. | ||
| We've figured out how to isolate sugar, take it away from its natural plants, natural fruits and vegetables, and then process it and make it this weird thing that you could just add to stuff. | ||
| White powder. | ||
| You know, that white powder doesn't exist in the wild. | ||
| And the effect that it has on your body, your body's like, how are you getting so much sugar in this fucking thing? | ||
| Like, if you have a drink, you ever look at, like, If you have just one of those energy drinks or post-workout drinks, hydration drinks, look at the fucking labels of those things. | ||
| Look at a fruit punch. | ||
| I don't even drink fucking Red Bull. | ||
| You've never seen me drink a Red Bull. | ||
| No, you'll have an espresso every now and then after a meal. | ||
| Yeah, I like espresso. | ||
| I like espresso after a meal, too. | ||
| I don't like Red Bull. | ||
| I don't like energy drinks. | ||
| I have enough energy drinks. | ||
| But it's the sugar, man. | ||
| The sugar's a motherfucker. | ||
| I don't have like 75 grams of sugar and shit, and you're like... | ||
| That'll kill you. | ||
| That's terrible for you. | ||
| You know, I can't even taste a regular Coke anymore. | ||
| It is horrific. | ||
| Syrup. | ||
| Done. | ||
| Done. | ||
| Yeah, shit's syrup. | ||
| Done. | ||
| You ever have that Mexican Coke, though? | ||
| It's a little better. | ||
| Yeah, a little better, but it's been fun. | ||
| There's a burrito place in Hollywood that sells those Mexican Cokes. | ||
| You get them everywhere now. | ||
| Yeah, the bottles. | ||
| Tastes better. | ||
| It tastes better. | ||
| Still not good for you. | ||
| Yeah, I drank enough soda for three fucking bodies, bro. | ||
| There's a great documentary called King Corn. | ||
| It talks about the effect of corn on your body and how much corn they have, how much of an influence corn has. | ||
| Because corn syrup is used in so many different products. | ||
| It's a fascinating thing. | ||
| We've got to get back to eating natural foods. | ||
| Human beings have gotten way off track. | ||
| We've made some pretty yummy shit with corn syrup and sugars and things along those lines, but... | ||
| If people want to be healthy, you've got to get back to eating normal, healthy foods. | ||
| There's just no way around it. | ||
| You've got to eat salads. | ||
| You've got to eat fruits. | ||
| And for most folks, eating meat is probably a pretty good idea. | ||
| Eat some healthy meats. | ||
| But the amount of power and the amount of influence that lobbyists and these giant companies that push corn syrup and put corn syrup in everything, the amount of income that they make from it, the profit generated from corn syrup is crazy. | ||
| Corn syrup is in like 90% of our snack foods. | ||
| If you look around... | ||
| I just made that number up completely out of thin air, by the way. | ||
| But if you look up all the different snacks and different things that have corn syrup, it's fucking staggering. | ||
| It's off the charts. | ||
| That's some terrible toxic shit, and it's everywhere. | ||
| But it tastes great. | ||
| They trick you, Joe Diaz. | ||
| They do trick you. | ||
| There's a dude who's making... | ||
| I should say his name. | ||
| He's making all-organic pot candies now. | ||
| He came by here the other day. | ||
| He's got a company called... | ||
| What's it called, like, Jambo? | ||
| Yeah, Jambo. | ||
| Organic Jambo. | ||
| I gotta get you one of them. | ||
| They're fucking fantastic. | ||
| What's in them? | ||
| It's honey. | ||
| He deals them with honey, all-organic ingredients, no high-fructose corn syrup. | ||
| No artificial sugars, no artificial sweeteners, no artificial flavors. | ||
| He's like the first guy to do these organic pot candies. | ||
| And they're great. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| Not too strong either. | ||
| They don't kill you. | ||
| They're like half of a Chibichu, you know, where you don't get too nutty. | ||
| You'll probably take four of them. | ||
| How fucking crazy is Chibichu? | ||
| They're in so high demand, they're a month behind on production or some shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| They're making cash, son. | ||
| Cash, dog. | ||
| Those little fucking ailment ones. | ||
| The CBDs? | ||
| The CBDs. | ||
| But their fucking little devil things really light you up. | ||
| Like, they're really scary. | ||
| I gotta tell you the truth. | ||
| People who have injuries, if you have an injury, take like a chibichu, a half a chibichu, and then stretch out. | ||
| You'd be amazed at how good you feel. | ||
| You feel your muscles lengthening and loosening up. | ||
| You feel things popping. | ||
| Listen, if you eat a half a decade, you go to bed, you wake up feeling loose. | ||
| And the hash cookies, they don't have them no more. | ||
| People aren't making them no more. | ||
| There was one company who had them in Hollywood. | ||
| It was 20 bucks for two tiny cookies. | ||
| But every time I ate those things, dog, then you realize that it was Bruce Lee who was eating hash. | ||
| For years he ate hash. | ||
| Because for the stiffness in your joints and shit. | ||
| I'm telling you, when you eat hash and you eat reefer, it's two different worlds. | ||
| Bruce Lee had some serious injuries. | ||
| He had a serious back injury at one point in time, too. | ||
| Yeah, but he ate weed for injuries. | ||
| He ate weed specifically for the injuries. | ||
| Well, for medical marijuana, it's one of the number one things that people use it for. | ||
| What's the thing, though? | ||
| Instead of eating lettuce... | ||
| CBDs? | ||
| Yeah, but the other one. | ||
| What's the other one? | ||
| When you work out, you eat lettuce to take the acidity out of your muscles. | ||
| That's what it says. | ||
| The THC, when you smoke it, whatever you ingest or whatever, it takes the whatever out of your muscles after you work. | ||
| Lactic acid? | ||
| Lactic acid inflammation. | ||
| Yeah, I read that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That might be a lot of bro science, unfortunately. | ||
| It might be a lot of that. | ||
| What's bro science? | ||
| It's what Brian Callen does. | ||
| Brian Cowan lays some science on you and you know he's not really a scientist. | ||
| I do it all the time. | ||
| Bro science is when you start reciting shit that you heard online. | ||
| Bro, the fucking, the thing with THC, it does, is it pulls the lactic acid and then you Google it and it doesn't do any such thing. | ||
| That's bro science. | ||
| What is that, a blue e-cig? | ||
| A blue e-cig. | ||
| Fuck Stephen Dorff. | ||
| You should do that goddamn commercial with Joey Diaz. | ||
| You know what we do. | ||
| You smoke that thing, but you're done completely with cigarettes for a long time. | ||
| You don't worry about relapsing back to cigarettes by sucking on that? | ||
| No? | ||
| Can you put that down? | ||
| How long you can go without one of those? | ||
| Three or four days. | ||
| No problem? | ||
| You've done that before? | ||
| I do because I'm talking to you. | ||
| I'm loose. | ||
| But isn't that weird? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want to be loose. | |
| I can't smoke weed in here. | ||
| I don't want to really drink coffee. | ||
| I want to do something. | ||
| Dog, listen. | ||
| I've always wanted to do something. | ||
| I don't want to seem like a cop in the fucking room. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I don't drink. | ||
| How creepy is that? | ||
| I'll tell you why I like to always take at least one fruity drink at the ice house. | ||
| I can't do that no more. | ||
| The ice house is great. | ||
| The bartenders are great. | ||
| The waitresses are great. | ||
| Managers are great. | ||
| You go to the ice house, I can go for a drink at the fucking ice house when I'm up there. | ||
| The other day I was craving a beer for three days. | ||
| I walked around craving a Budweiser. | ||
| Cold. | ||
| I crave cold Heineken's. | ||
| Do you have one? | ||
| Do you have one every now and then? | ||
| You don't like to drink? | ||
| I forget. | ||
| I forget to stop and get a beer. | ||
| Listen, I will never, ever drink and drive. | ||
| Like, you want to see me flip out? | ||
| Let me have a drink and be forced to drive. | ||
| Because I know I can't keep it together in front of a cop. | ||
| And I know that I could never... | ||
| I'd have to cop to it. | ||
| Like, how stupid am I? I drink and drive. | ||
| Like, I'm totally against all that shit. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I'll get stoned and fucking do 90 down to 101. To the gills. | ||
| Because I can handle it, but I can't handle alcohol. | ||
| Well, people think that being drunk and being high and driving a car are the same thing. | ||
| That's ignorance. | ||
| It's not true at all. | ||
| You can smoke pot and do jujitsu with no problem whatsoever. | ||
| No problem. | ||
| Smoke pot and you're very coordinated. | ||
| Smoke pot and something drops, you catch it. | ||
| Like, your reflexes, everything, they're all there. | ||
| Unless you're not used to it. | ||
| If you're not used to it, all you're thinking of... | ||
| I remember when I first started getting high, Joey started making fun of me. | ||
| Because we... | ||
| I forget what we did. | ||
| Oh, I remember. | ||
| We went to the fucking Sunday brunch at the House of Blues. | ||
| Remember they had that gospel brunch? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Remember that gospel brunch? | ||
| Yes, that's how we all went over. | ||
| Yeah, we all went over there and we were toasted to the gills. | ||
| It was like one of the first weekends I ever got high. | ||
| And Joey Diaz was like, look at this fucking rookie. | ||
| I was going, I can't believe how high I am right now. | ||
| This is ridiculous. | ||
| I have to sit here. | ||
| I wasn't used to it. | ||
| I didn't know how to deal with it. | ||
| But if I was the same high right now, I'd be fine. | ||
| Because I know what that is. | ||
| It's what you're doing is when you're too high and you're paranoid and you're frozen. | ||
| You're frozen. | ||
| Because you don't know what it is. | ||
| You don't know what comes next. | ||
| Is this going to get worse? | ||
| Am I going to get more crazy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god, how long is this going to last? | |
| But when you're used to being high, you're like, I'm just high, dude. | ||
| Relax. | ||
| Everything's fine. | ||
| You know what it is. | ||
| You know the worst it gets. | ||
| You know the best it gets. | ||
| You've felt the full range of the effects. | ||
| But you were laughing at me. | ||
| I'll never forget. | ||
| You're like, look at this fucking rookie. | ||
| You get so fucking hungry when you first get high. | ||
| When you first get high, you get so enjoyably hungry. | ||
| Enjoyably. | ||
| Like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich is fucking filet mignon in your mouth. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you eat it with a bag of chips. | ||
| It heightens your senses, right? | ||
| Yeah, it heightens your senses. | ||
| It's so... | ||
| You don't even breathe. | ||
| You're just chewing. | ||
| Like, I remember giggling. | ||
| Like, I love to giggle, bro. | ||
| A couple weeks ago, I ate a cookie and I was sitting there so fucking stoned at 8 o'clock at night. | ||
| And I kept thinking to myself, this is the same cookie Casey Kasem ate. | ||
| It was the week that he... | ||
| It was the week that he was missing. | ||
| That he went missing. | ||
| He died recently. | ||
| I felt so bad. | ||
| I grew up on fucking Casey Kasem. | ||
| But then there was traffic. | ||
| I was watching the news that night. | ||
| There was traffic on the 405. And I'm like, oh my God. | ||
| There's traffic on the 405. And then all of a sudden they said that the cause of the traffic was that the President of Israel was on the 405. So they had to lock half of it down. | ||
| And all I kept thinking about was, the President of Israel knows about these cookies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He knows. | |
| It's the cookie Casey Kasemate. | ||
| And he's coming to L.A. to get these cookies. | ||
| That's how I... I wasn't. | ||
| I kept giggling at the thought of my thoughts. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| And I was happy. | ||
| And I love that. | ||
| I love still giggling. | ||
| That's what I miss the most about being stoned to the gills, going to a diner and laughing at the waitress. | ||
| Just giggling. | ||
| How you doing, boy? | ||
| You can't control yourself. | ||
| I miss all that shit. | ||
| The simple pleasures of weed. | ||
| The simple pleasures. | ||
| That's what I look for. | ||
| The simple pleasures of weed. | ||
| Look, how many times have we been on the road when we've been in the middle of nowhere, we're in some town, and it's all of us. | ||
| You know, it's like you, me, Red Band, Ari, and we'll get blasted. | ||
| And then we'll go somewhere and have a giggle fest. | ||
| Like, especially when it's all of us, you know, when we have a good group of like two or three of us and we go somewhere on the road and you get really high in some town, it's like we're all in on it together, you know? | ||
| We're like, eee, sitting in Starbucks or eating lunch somewhere, eee, eee. | ||
| Where Joey Diaz, we're all stoned, and we're trying to get the GPS working, and then Joey Diaz has meltdown. | ||
| Well, that was when Joey used to have, when you were at your heaviest, you used to have food meltdowns when you would land. | ||
| You'd have to eat right away. | ||
| No, I'd get anxiety. | ||
| I was getting anxiety. | ||
| But it wasn't that. | ||
| Remember when in Austin, you were yelling because you were trying to find someplace to eat? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It wasn't the sugar. | ||
| It was, I just wanted to get to my room and fucking figure out how I was going to do blow, bro. | ||
| Was that what it was? | ||
| But you were eating. | ||
| We went to some place. | ||
| I wasn't doing blow in the daytime. | ||
| I didn't have time to ride around. | ||
| Listen, when I get off the fucking plane, I got this time. | ||
| You ain't got this time with me. | ||
| How would you set that up? | ||
| Did you have like a network? | ||
| Yeah, people know. | ||
| As soon as you get the time, just talk about it on stage. | ||
| But I mean, like, say if you were going to fly into Austin. | ||
| Like, say if you needed Coke. | ||
| Did you already know people that you'd get Coke from? | ||
| Somebody would email me. | ||
| When you would land? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I go, bro, you're coming. | ||
| We're going to come see you. | ||
| And that was code for we're bringing it. | ||
| Ah. | ||
| So I knew. | ||
| But I didn't know at that time in Austin. | ||
| I just, still to this day, I have flight anxiety. | ||
| When I get off a plane, I got time to dilly-dally. | ||
| I don't want to walk. | ||
| I don't want to talk. | ||
| I want to get to the room. | ||
| Let me go upstairs. | ||
| Let me take a shit. | ||
| Let me check in. | ||
| Let me relax, and then we'll do whatever the fuck you want to do. | ||
| Forget the fucking GPS. We should have got a car with a driver to get us to the hotel. | ||
| I ain't got time to land at 4 o'clock to fucking go into traffic with GPS. Till this day, I dread landing at LAX after 12. On a Sunday, I won't do it. | ||
| I'm going back to Austin. | ||
| I'm actually doing the comedy club this time because I'm preparing for my comedy special. | ||
| So I'm doing Cap City for the first time in years. | ||
| I haven't done Cap City in fucking years. | ||
| You know how happy those people are going to be? | ||
| The 15th and the 16th. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| August? | ||
| Yeah, how happy am I going to be? | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| I love that place. | ||
| And I love doing the theater there. | ||
| Last time I did Austin City Lemus. | ||
| No, she said it to me when I was there this time. | ||
| Yeah, I'm fucking pumped. | ||
| I like mixing it up, man. | ||
| That is a great, old, real comedy club. | ||
| I really enjoy myself there. | ||
| I live in Houston, and now the last four times I've been there, I love them. | ||
| There's no better town. | ||
| I love the staff. | ||
| There's no better town. | ||
| I like Margie. | ||
| I like the Doubletree. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| Now they put you in a new hotel. | ||
| That's fucking funkier and shit. | ||
| No more Doubletree? | ||
| No, you're downtown and shit. | ||
| They rebuilt downtown. | ||
| You're somewhere else. | ||
| And it was really interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But the Doubletree was across from Papadoes. | |
| Papacito's or Papadoes? | ||
| Papadoes. | ||
| And Papacito's was around the corner. | ||
| Yeah, right up the street, right? | ||
| Up the fucking street. | ||
| You could walk to both of them. | ||
| Fuddruckers? | ||
| Fuddruckers, yeah, that's right. | ||
| Fuddruckers. | ||
| Apparently, you gotta... | ||
| We don't, but you gotta fuck with this. | ||
| There's some barbecue joints in Austin right now that are so off the charts. | ||
| Ari said there was a line for an hour and a half. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For three hours. | |
| Three hours. | ||
| I ain't waiting for three hours. | ||
| My mom left Cuba. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| I ain't waiting on a line. | ||
| Yeah, you can pay a guy $9 an hour to wait on a line for you. | ||
| That's what you do. | ||
| I'll give him $20. | ||
| I know that, but guess what? | ||
| What? | ||
| I don't think nobody should stand on the line for three hours for food. | ||
| I think they should stand on the line, and I think when you get to the front of the line, text me, and I'll fucking show up, and I'll give you $100. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| They drive it to you, Joe. | ||
| They drive it. | ||
| Oh, drive it. | ||
| That's not good, because then by the time it gets to you, it's not hot anymore. | ||
| Plus, the motherfucker had his fingers in my brisket. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want that. | ||
| You want to get it right when the guy pulls it off of the meat, like, boom, puts it on a plate. | ||
| You want to be there while that all goes down. | ||
| Anthony Bourdain waited in the line, just like everybody else. | ||
| I forget the name of the place. | ||
| I want to say Franklin's or something like that. | ||
| Franklin's, and they have the... | ||
| Yeah, we're almost out of time here. | ||
| I love you, man. | ||
| I love you too, you motherfucker. | ||
| You're the best. | ||
| I gotta take a water on the way out. | ||
| Take whatever you want. | ||
| Take one of those C2O coconut waters. | ||
| I love you, brother. | ||
| C2O started sponsoring fighters. | ||
| I was watching RFA the other day. | ||
| Some dude has C2O coconut water on his shorts. | ||
| So, salute to you, C2O. Thanks, C2O. Thank you, C2O. They're awesome. | ||
| It's delicious coconut water, too. | ||
| If you don't like coconut water, try C2O because it's all with Thai coconuts. | ||
| Thai coconuts is a short plant. | ||
| It's like the Tom Cruise of coconuts. | ||
| It's only five feet tall, and they're super delicious. | ||
| It's like a sweet sort of... | ||
| It almost feels like they add sugar, but they don't. | ||
| It's just how it tastes. | ||
| They even have some with the pulp if you like that chewy shit. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| I like without pulp the best, but I don't pass on the pulp ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I used C2L in a lot of mixed drinks. | |
| It's great for a mixer. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine, right? | ||
| I would imagine it tastes really good. | ||
| And you dehydrate at the same time. | ||
| You hydrate. | ||
| Yeah, so I got a couple clubs coming up. | ||
| In July, I'm doing Wise Guys in Salt Lake. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| 18th and the 19th. | ||
| Oh, shit! | ||
| Almost sold out already. | ||
| Then I'm doing San Jose Performing Arts Theater on... | ||
| The 26th. | ||
| 26th. | ||
| Want to do that? | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I'm in Reno. | ||
| Oh shit, Reno. | ||
| Buckle up. | ||
| What are you doing in Reno? | ||
| Some club. | ||
| I don't know the name of it yet. | ||
| I'm doing American Comedy Company in San Diego, too. | ||
| The 8th and the 9th. | ||
| I'm not fucking around, Joey. | ||
| I'm not fucking around, Joey. | ||
| I'm doing the first with you. | ||
| Yes, the first. | ||
| Ace Theater, downtown LA. That is August 1st. | ||
| Me, Joey Diaz, and Duncan Trussell. | ||
| Suck it! | ||
| And then August, we haven't finalized it, but it will be in Denver, Colorado. | ||
| It will be at the Comedy Works. | ||
| And that's where I'm going to be doing my next Comedy Central special. | ||
| And I'm fucking very excited about this. | ||
| It's my favorite all-time shit that I'm putting together. | ||
| I can't wait. | ||
| I'm real geared up right now. | ||
| I'm enjoying the shit out of it. | ||
| If you want to go see the funniest motherfucker on earth, you go see Joey. | ||
| Motherfucking Diaz. | ||
| Joey Diaz. | ||
| You can get him at... | ||
| Dom Herrera. | ||
| Next Friday and Saturday at the Ice House. | ||
| If you're local, July 10th through the 12th at the San Jose Improv. | ||
| I'm up there for the Gracie Nationals, the Regionals. | ||
| I'll be, and then that next week, I'm at the South Point Casino, and then the 25th and the 26th, I think I'm in Reno. | ||
| It doesn't get any better, you fuckheads. | ||
| We'll get it together. | ||
| Brian, we got anything going on? | ||
| What do we got going on? | ||
| We got Kill Tony this Friday with Joe Rogan and Dom Herrera. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit! | |
| At the Ice House. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, at the Ice House this time. | |
| 10 o'clock, Ice House. | ||
| If you're a comic, come at 9 o'clock, sign up. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| Florida, August with Sam Tripoli. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Three dates. | |
| It's all I do. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| That's my new thing. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| That's from the jungle, bro. | ||
| Be careful. | ||
| You might summon spirits. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| That's a real rattle. | ||
| That's real. | ||
| Okay, we gotta get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Thanks to NatureBox. | ||
| Thanks to NatureBox.com. | ||
| Go to NatureBox.com slash Rogan and save 50% off your first box. | ||
| Thanks also to Ting. | ||
| Go to Rogan.Ting.com. | ||
| Save $25 off your first device. | ||
| Tonight, Ice House, Ian Edwards, Brian Callen, Sam Tripoli, Tony Hinchcliffe, and me. | ||
| You fucks. | ||
| We love you and you. |
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