June 10, 2014 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:53:59
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Hello, freak bitches. | ||
| That's right, we're back. | ||
| And this episode, once again, is brought to you by Squarespace. | ||
| If you have a company, if you have a business, if you are a business, say if you're an entertainer or maybe an artist and you have something and you'd like to let the world know about it, there is no better way to do it than with your own website. | ||
| And for the longest time, that was a pain in the dick. | ||
| You had to go find someone that you could reliably count on to make you a nice website and they didn't put weird back doors in it where they could sneak dick pics in all your photographs or fuck with you and take too much time and cost you too much money and blah blah blah blah blah. | ||
| When you rely on people, it's great when it works out. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| When you find someone like, oh, I found this guy who makes great websites and he's my friend. | ||
| Yay! | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| But when it's a pain in the ass and when it's not going well, you go, God, I wish I could do this myself. | ||
| Well, you can. | ||
| Now, today... | ||
| With Squarespace, any moron like myself could create a website, a real professional-looking website. | ||
| Brian is making a website right now, and he's done 30 of them, 40 of them while we've been doing Squarespace ads. | ||
| Every week, while we do a commercial, Brian puts together a website. | ||
| It's that fucking easy. | ||
| Hey, I just made a t-shirt for Tony. | ||
| They even have a t-shirt builder where you can sit in there. | ||
| They have a logo builder. | ||
| You can design your own custom logos very easily. | ||
| All this is drag and drop type interface. | ||
| So it's all like the same thing you would do if you were... | ||
| If you can add pictures to an email, you can figure out how to do this. | ||
| It's not hard to do. | ||
| And you can make an outstanding, professional website with 24-7 support. | ||
| If you're fucking in your middle, my website sucks, I can't figure this out. | ||
| You can get a hold of Squarespace and they'll hook you up. | ||
| Squarespace, simple and easy design. | ||
| They have... | ||
| Platforms at work, or works rather, on every platform. | ||
| It'll work on iPad, it'll work on Android, it'll work on Windows, it'll work on Unix. | ||
| Squarespace can help you design your own website where you can have an immediate professional website with a store. | ||
| Easy to put together an online store. | ||
| Easy to sell digital downloads. | ||
| Say if the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe, decides to start pop music, and I think you could. | ||
| I think you could be one of those DJs, like at a rave, like pumping your fist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh yeah. | |
| You know like Deadmau5 style? | ||
| That could be you in another life. | ||
| Anyway, squarespace.com and use the code word JOE. Go to squarespace.com, use the code word JOE, get a free trial, and 10% off your first purchase. | ||
| So go to squarespace.com and enter in the code JOE. Squarespace, a better web starts with your website. | ||
| That's hilarious, isn't it? | ||
| A better web starts with... | ||
| How about say nothing? | ||
| It's better than a better web starts with your own website. | ||
| Because you can't do that. | ||
| This is the internet. | ||
| This is in fucking Nabisco. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A better web starts with your website. | |
| That's amazing because that's already better than my actual website. | ||
| And I just watched you make it in 10 seconds. | ||
| And it's better than my t-shirt. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| The ones that we judged, we had a Squarespace contest, like end of the year contest, they developed some killer fucking websites. | ||
| I still visit that, uh, there's a Storm website. | ||
| I don't remember the URL, but this guy took all these crazy photographs of nutty cloud formations and storms coming. | ||
| Oh, it's awesome. | ||
| And it looks like he paid a fucking fortune to make this website. | ||
| Did it all himself. | ||
| Or herself. | ||
| I don't know if it's guy or gal. | ||
| Anyway, go to squarespace.com and use the code word JOE for a free trial and 10% off your first purchase. | ||
| Squarespace also lets you try it out before you enter in your credit card information. | ||
| You can sign up, start building your own website, and go, you know what? | ||
| This shit is dope. | ||
| This shit is fly! | ||
| And then you can end your credit card. | ||
| And when you do that, use the code word Joe and save 10% off. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Ting. | ||
| Ting is a cell phone company that does things in a way that I think is the future. | ||
| Ting's a website... | ||
| First of all, if you look at the big cell phone providers, whether it's Sprint or Verizon or AT&T, one of the things that bothers people is early termination fees, like getting hooked into a contract. | ||
| The reason why you do that, and it's very convenient for most of us, Because what they're doing is instead of paying the full amount for a cell phone usually, like it says it's $299, but $699 if you want to buy it on its own, that's the different thing. | ||
| That $299 when you buy it with a two year contract, if you break that contract you have to pay that money. | ||
| What you're doing is sort of deferring that money over a long period of time. | ||
| And if you want to get out, you can't get out. | ||
| You're like, shit! | ||
| Ting has it so you can get out any time you want. | ||
| You buy the phone. | ||
| You own the phone. | ||
| They sell the best Android phones you can buy, including the Samsung Galaxy Note 3, which I have. | ||
| It's an awesome phone. | ||
| It's really cool. | ||
| You can write on it. | ||
| It's got a little stylus and shit. | ||
| The images are gigantic. | ||
| For going on the web, it's fucking unparalleled. | ||
| There's nothing like it. | ||
| An iPhone is great for usability, and you can bring your iPhones also... | ||
| From Sprint, and they can port them to Ting, and they sell the iPhone 5 for $260. | ||
| You can actually buy it for $260, and then it's yours. | ||
| You own that shit, son. | ||
| No contract. | ||
| Yeah, and the way Ting uses it too, 98% of people would save money using Ting. | ||
| That's their claim, not mine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because I'm no statistician. | |
| My Note 3 is about one-eighth of my cell phone price for my iPhone. | ||
| It's pretty cheap. | ||
| I think I pay, on average, about $20 a month. | ||
| It's $21 a month is the average monthly bill. | ||
| So you have an average bill. | ||
| I'm below average like normal. | ||
| $440 is the average annual savings per device for a business with 11 to 20 employees. | ||
| It's pretty sweet. | ||
| And like I said, all the best Android cell phones. | ||
| No termination fees. | ||
| Go to rogan.ting.com and you can save $25 off your first device. | ||
| Ting uses the Sprint backbone, so it's not like it's some wonky-ass cell phone network. | ||
| They use one of the best cell phone networks in the world. | ||
| And the Sprint backbone, you get the exact same service and coverage that you would if you had Sprint, but you're using a Ting device and you can quit any time you want, and it's all set up. | ||
| On their terms. | ||
| An ethical company. | ||
| Providing you with an awesome service. | ||
| And everyone that I've talked to about it, they've all loved it. | ||
| Chris Ryan uses it. | ||
| Brian uses it. | ||
| It's a sweet, easy way to save money. | ||
| Nowadays, you're always on a Wi-Fi network because you're usually always at home or you're always at work and stuff like that. | ||
| So a lot of people are on these plans now that don't make any sense because no one's really making phone calls anymore. | ||
| You remember when minutes were a big thing? | ||
| No one's... | ||
| Everyone's texting now, and if you're texting and you're connected to your Wi-Fi, a lot of these phones will just like, oh, you're just using this Wi-Fi's network. | ||
| You're not even using Ting's network. | ||
| I think it's important to still talk to people on the phone. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| I really do. | ||
| I think we're getting a little weird. | ||
| We're getting a little weird where you go days in, and you don't talk to a single human when you just text all your friends. | ||
| I mean, maybe there's some benefit to that sometimes when you want to decompress, but I think for the most part, we should probably talk to each other every now and again. | ||
| It is interesting. | ||
| It's like we're going backwards. | ||
| I'm waiting for us to flip it and just go carrier pigeon or raven like in Game of Thrones. | ||
| That's gonna be the coolest guy in the neighborhood. | ||
| The guy that has the first raven that's trained to drop stuff off somewhere. | ||
| How hard is it to train a fucking raven? | ||
| They don't want to listen to you at all. | ||
| They could go anywhere. | ||
| They can do anything. | ||
| They can fly. | ||
| And they're fucking smart. | ||
| It's not like there's no food. | ||
| They can find food. | ||
| They don't need to listen to your bullshit. | ||
| For an animal so smart to travel long distances, you'd think they'd be smart enough to realize they don't have to take that shit. | ||
| They could just go do whatever they want. | ||
| You know, it's a really fucked up feeling, or a thought, rather. | ||
| What if that's how ravens evolve their intelligence? | ||
| Because ravens are so smart. | ||
| They do all these multi-step process tests where a raven has to get a stick and use the stick to get a bigger stick and use that bigger stick to get an even larger stick because they're all down these long tubes. | ||
| So the raven keeps figuring out that as he gets longer sticks, he can reach and scoop the stick that's longer than that and pull it out and then drop it and then use that one to get a piece of meat. | ||
| And they do it with like seven or eight steps. | ||
| And you watch it and you go, that is freaking me the fuck out. | ||
| That thing is smart as shit. | ||
| Yeah, they're probably so smart that they figured out how to not have to be the male guy anymore. | ||
| Are ravens and crows the same? | ||
| That's a very good question. | ||
| I think not. | ||
| But it seems like they should be, right? | ||
| Are ravens and crows the same? | ||
| I think they're both blackbirds, but... | ||
| So we're just being racist birds. | ||
| No, that's a good question. | ||
| Birds are all the same. | ||
| Are ravens and crows the same? | ||
| There was a crow fight in my backyard a couple weeks ago and a crow was injured and it landed in my backyard and couldn't get out, couldn't fly anymore. | ||
| So I just wanted to go out, you know, take my dog out to go to the bathroom and The second I would come out, all the crows in the neighborhood would just start going crazy, like, and then swooping down, trying to protect the injured one. | ||
| They're smart as shit. | ||
| Yeah, it's weird. | ||
| We think of them as just birds, but they're like a little gang. | ||
| They're a gang of little flying monkeys. | ||
| This is the explanation. | ||
| A raven is a bigger version of a crow, although they are the same species. | ||
| A raven is a common name given to the largest species of birds in the genus Corvus. | ||
| Corvids are commonly referred to as crows and other species in the same genus. | ||
| Did you say genus or genus? | ||
| I guess you say genus, right? | ||
| That's why I only read, though. | ||
| I never say, like, genus. | ||
| It doesn't really come up. | ||
| If you use genus in a conversation, you're a douche. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Unless you're a biologist and you're using genus, you're like, what are you doing? | ||
| You stop it. | ||
| You cut your fucking fanciness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, they're from the genus. | |
| Corvids. | ||
| Okay, so that's what it is. | ||
| And they're the same genids as jackdaws and rooks. | ||
| I don't know what any of those birds are. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| So now you know. | ||
| Go to wikipedia.org and look up ravens. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| Ting. | ||
| Rogan.ting.com. | ||
| Awesome cell phone company. | ||
|
unidentified
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We love them. | |
| Save 25 bucks. | ||
| Boom, shallock, lock, boom. | ||
| Oh, Ian Edwards has a new CD that's out right now, and it's on the Team Coco label. | ||
| Team Coco, meaning, of course, the great Conan O'Brien, has his own record label, I guess. | ||
| And he's putting out... | ||
| This is the first one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Ian Edwards, our friend, fucking 100% awesome. | ||
| His CD's called 100% Half-Assed, and it's Ian sitting on the end of his bed doing stand-up, because that's where he'd like to be able to do stand-up. | ||
| He's just a super funny dude and one of the nicest guys I know and I've known Ian forever and he's just cool as shit. | ||
| So support, support. | ||
| And he's really funny, man. | ||
| Really funny. | ||
| I guarantee you enjoy the shit out of it. | ||
| So go to records.teamcocoa.com And you can see Ian Edwards 100% half-assed. | ||
| This weekend I will be with the great Tony Hinchcliffe and the great Brian Cowan. | ||
| We're in Lloydminster on Thursday and then we are in Vancouver on Friday. | ||
| Vancouver is the Orpheum Theatre. | ||
| I think one of them sold out. | ||
| I think it's the Lloyd Minster one. | ||
| We're really close. | ||
| So if you want to get your freak on with us, jump on it, bitches! | ||
| Alright, that's it. | ||
| Boom, Sherlock, lock, boom. | ||
| We don't need any other fucking goddamn advertisements. | ||
| Cue the music. | ||
| Go to onit.com. | ||
| Get some brain pills. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Joe Rogan experience. | |
| Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Good googly moogly, Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| Good googly moogly, fresh back from Indiana, letting those middle America people know what the fuck is up. | ||
| Middle America is a lot like Middle Earth in some ways, you know? | ||
| You know Middle Earth, like where the hobbits lived, the good folk? | ||
| Wasn't Middle Earth like the cool people? | ||
| That's where the hobbits were? | ||
| I don't know about that, but I do know that Indianapolis... | ||
| I learned something this weekend about Indianapolis, and that's that it's like the south of the Midwest. | ||
| They're very southern in a lot of ways. | ||
| It's amazing, though, because it's pretty much straight west of Columbus, but they're like... | ||
| And they were laughing about it, so I'm not insulting them, but they're a lot more like uh-huh uh-huh than the cities around them. | ||
| Like, you just go a few miles down the road and all of a sudden it's all about racing and it's all about guns and a lot of camo shorts I saw because it's starting to be summer there, so... | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of country music lovers there. | ||
| It's like Kentucky. | ||
| Like, you'd never think that Kentucky is right next to Cincinnati. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, like, you think of Cincinnati, you think of, like, Cincinnati WKRP, remember that show? | ||
| With Lonnie Anderson? | ||
| You think of Cincinnati as like a city. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you think of Kentucky as, oh, man, what's going on down there? | ||
| A lot of banjo picking and moonshine making barbecue and woo-hoo! | ||
| You don't think it's, like, right next to Cincinnati. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The Cincinnati airport's in Kentucky. | ||
| Oh, it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You land in Kentucky. | ||
| They call it the Cincinnati Airport because they're ashamed they're in Kentucky. | ||
| That's so sad. | ||
| And I'm like, you know, Kentucky people, Kentucky's awesome. | ||
| Louisville's awesome. | ||
| You know, Kentucky Fried Chicken. | ||
| You guys are known for bourbon. | ||
| You guys make some great shit. | ||
| Kentucky's where Corvettes are made. | ||
| They make all their Corvettes in Kentucky. | ||
| Jeremy Clarkson, the guy from Top Gear, I was driving this Corvette, and he yelled out while I was driving it, Well done, fat man from Kentucky! | ||
| You have created a masterpiece! | ||
| I thought you were going to say he was going to yell out the N-word or something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He did that later. | ||
| He did that later. | ||
| That poor bastard. | ||
| People have hubris, man. | ||
| They think they can say things like that. | ||
| I read something cool about Kentucky Fried Chicken. | ||
| Since you brought it up, I'm going to say it. | ||
| It's... | ||
| The colonel, whoever the actual KFC guy was, his protege, or the person who he trained underneath him, his favorite guy coming up the ranks of fast food, helped him out a lot, made some major decisions, was the guy that told him, put the chicken in a bucket instead of a box. | ||
| This guy was Dave Thomas, who then went on to make all the Wendy's. | ||
|
unidentified
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Whoa! | |
| Powerful fast food conspiracy theory by Tony Hitchcock. | ||
| No, it's not conspiracy theory. | ||
| It's a fact. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is like some shit that your friends told you when you were in high school. | |
| It turned out to be totally false, but you repeated it forever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nabisco is owned by the same people who make missiles. | |
| They're trying to kill you one way or another, bro. | ||
| It's either with cupcakes or with missiles. | ||
| Well, it is the same company that makes cigarettes. | ||
| Nabisco is R.J. Reynolds, and R.J.R. Nabisco, R.J.R. is R.J. Reynolds. | ||
| Impossible. | ||
| The people feeding you Twinkies would not hate you and want you dead. | ||
| Is that Nabisco? | ||
| Were they Twinkies? | ||
| Did Nabisco have Twinkies? | ||
| No. | ||
| Who had Twinkies? | ||
| Hostess. | ||
| Hostess. | ||
| It's not the same? | ||
| But it could be under the same. | ||
| I'm so dumb. | ||
| Nabisco owns a lot of stuff. | ||
| It's painful. | ||
| I'm so dumb. | ||
| But Nabisco is known as being like, you know, if you think of like snacks, right? | ||
| You think of like something that's yummy but not necessarily good for you. | ||
| I picture the Nilla wafers. | ||
| Remember those? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do they have that's like real bullshit? | ||
| Nabisco. | ||
| Nabisco. | ||
| They have some good chocolate chip cookies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Nabisco is some good goddamn chocolate chip cookies. | ||
| They got the Keebler elves on their side, I do believe. | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| Dave Thomas and Colonel Sanders both won first place. | ||
| They tied for who could best fry chicken. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Dave Thomas' chicken. | ||
| Why doesn't Dave Thomas just sell... | ||
| I mean, he's dead now, but when he was alive, why didn't he sell chicken at Wendy's? | ||
| He did. | ||
| There was a test market. | ||
| Well, they do sell chicken at Wendy's, but there was a test... | ||
| But chicken sandwiches. | ||
| You can't get a bucket of chicken. | ||
| There was a test market company that Wendy's started that I only think stayed in Columbus or at least Ohio called Sister's Chicken. | ||
| I don't know if you think that was outside of Ohio. | ||
| Yeah, I remember that. | ||
| And they actually were way better than Kentucky Fried Chicken. | ||
| They had these little chicken littles. | ||
| Chicken littles? | ||
| Like a nugget? | ||
| It was like White Castles but with chicken. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Dave Thomas is like the Steve Jobs-a-fest. | ||
| Well, hey, he figured out a lot of shit with Wendy's. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, he really did. | ||
| Like, one of the things was that the food is never frozen. | ||
| Like, if you get a steak or a hamburger patty, a steak, if you get a hamburger patty from any other place, it's usually frozen. | ||
| And they just sort of... | ||
| Like, if you look at some of them, they don't even look like meat. | ||
| Like, White Castle, it doesn't even look like meat. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's so confusing. | ||
| You're looking at what a White Castle burger is, it's delicious, but you're like, what the fuck am I eating? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| But if you look at Wendy's, they get their patties, their big thick patties, and they get them and they don't ever freeze them. | ||
| They just throw them right onto the grill, which has got to be better. | ||
| The less you can freeze shit, you've got to think, when you're eating things, you're kind of taking in live cultures. | ||
| If you eat yogurt, you take in live bacteria. | ||
| And when you eat anything, whether it's... | ||
| Any kind of foods sort of have some sort of bacteria or fungus on it, just a slight amount. | ||
| So when you're taking them in, you're taking in living things. | ||
| Whenever you just totally freeze the fuck out of living things, it's never good. | ||
| It just can't be good. | ||
| Something's got to be missing there. | ||
| I mean, I'm no scientist, but I think when you freeze it until it literally doesn't rot, it's not supposed to happen. | ||
| That's supposed to be fucked. | ||
| If you have crops and your crops freeze, you're supposed to be fucked. | ||
| That's what it's supposed to be. | ||
| It's not supposed to be freeze shit and you're eating frozen peas. | ||
| What is even in those things? | ||
| That shit ain't a regular pea. | ||
| That's gotta cause something, right? | ||
| When that stuff gets frozen on the surface of a thing. | ||
| I would like to see a scientific analysis. | ||
| Maybe I'm totally wrong, but from my bro woo-woo factor, how I would describe it, I would say you're losing the essence of the life form of the plant. | ||
| Once you freeze it, kill it. | ||
| Everything's dead. | ||
| That's the reason why it's not rotting. | ||
| It's all that bacteria that would normally break down anything that you leave out and it starts to decay. | ||
| That's all on the surface of that anyway. | ||
| Right? | ||
| I mean, it just takes time to rot. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| So then when it thaws out, you have some dead bacteria instead of live bacteria on the surface of your thing. | ||
| Yeah, that's got to be part of it. | ||
| I mean, isn't that... | ||
| That is what, like, taking live cultures is all about. | ||
| Like, everybody wants to eat probiotic stuff. | ||
| Like, probiotic. | ||
| I have some probiotic sauerkraut, man. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| What does probiotic mean? | ||
| It means it's rotting. | ||
| Like, probiotic sauerkraut is, it's like, it's almost like carbonated. | ||
| You ever have that stuff? | ||
| It's like fermented. | ||
| Oh, I've had it, yeah. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
| And super good for you. | ||
| It's like, a lot of people don't know, like, raw sauerkraut is fucking really good for you. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's got a live thing you're taking into your body, and that live culture is very good for fighting off diseases and for balancing your stomach. | ||
| There's a lot of people, they're connecting it with autism in a lot of ways, because a lot of people with autism also have bowel issues and gut issues, and they think that it could possibly be connected to a wrong balance of bacteria in your body, an imbalance. | ||
| Which is fascinating, man. | ||
| Yeah, sauerkraut's one of the few things that is good for you and completely delicious at the same time. | ||
| Yeah, how crazy is that? | ||
| Like, it makes a hot dog 50% better. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Easily. | ||
| Sausage. | ||
| You could put it just with anything. | ||
| Oh, Jesus, Tony. | ||
| You're making me so hot. | ||
| Sausage. | ||
| Sauerkraut's one of those foods where you can smell it and picture it right in front of you. | ||
| With a good brown, seedy mustard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| Whoever figured that out? | ||
| All the other vegetables must be so jealous. | ||
| They don't get to be on hot dogs. | ||
| You get pickles, cucumbers, and sauerkraut. | ||
| Those are the happy ones. | ||
| Lettuce and tomatoes are kind of bullshit on my cheeseburger. | ||
| Oh, yeah, totally. | ||
| The fuck is that thing? | ||
| All those cool vegetables hate on the lettuce and tomatoes. | ||
| Why should lettuce and tomato be allowed to be on a cheeseburger? | ||
| Like, let's pretend this is healthy! | ||
| It's so true. | ||
| Lettuce is less than nothing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's the difference between a bratwurst and a sausage? | ||
| That's a good question. | ||
| It must be the preparation, right? | ||
| In Ohio, bratwursts were everywhere. | ||
| There were restaurants that specialized in bratwursts. | ||
| Here, I'm always looking for a bratwurst, and I can only find sausages or hot dogs. | ||
| There's got to be a place. | ||
| I know you can get them at the store. | ||
| I think bratwursts might be a little bit of a smokier flavor. | ||
| That's my guess going into it. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| Let's talk sausage, guys. | ||
| It's a real sausage fest. | ||
| We're talking ravens and sausages. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| The same difference between a square and a rectangle. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| You've just broke the internet. | ||
| A bratwurst... | ||
| A bratwurst... | ||
| Okay, this is the weirdest example ever. | ||
| The guy said a square is a rectangle, but a rectangle is not a square. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| So, is a bratwurst a sausage, but any sausage is not a bratwurst. | ||
| Bratwurst are pork sausage with a medium grind spiced mainly with pepper. | ||
| Sausage is any ground meat in casing. | ||
| So it seems like it's a sausage. | ||
| It's just a different type of sausage. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| I mean, it's a pork sausage. | ||
| You can call it a bratwurst all you want. | ||
| That's a creepy word, too. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| What do you think caused certain parts of the world to develop that sound? | ||
| Like when you get weird sounds, bratwurst... | ||
| Weird fucking language sounds. | ||
| Those sounds that people in that region made. | ||
| Like, what got them to do that? | ||
| You know what's crazy? | ||
| They think the opposite of us. | ||
| Like, oh, I'm an American. | ||
| I enunciate my... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's what's crazy is we look at them like... | ||
| They're weird. | ||
| Imagine how weird we sound. | ||
| If you think of what they sound like and what we sound like, their perspective must sound like we're singing things because it's so pure. | ||
| Well, we're a fascinating example for the rest of the world because if you look at all the other English languages in the world, they all are pretty similar. | ||
| Australian and New Zealand, I mean, they've got a good day. | ||
| They've got a little bit of a difference, but it still sounds like an English accent. | ||
| It's like an altered English accent. | ||
| Whereas we got over here and went... | ||
| Nah, not so much. | ||
| No, we're going to say it our way, fuckface. | ||
|
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|
And we're going to make more bombs, and we're going to make it how everybody talks. | |
| Your way's weird now. | ||
| Yeah, you're going to have to learn our way. | ||
| Yeah, the English language is quite weird. | ||
|
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|
If you're somewhere, and you're talking to a man, and he starts talking to you like this, you're like, Sir, I'm having a hard time understanding you right now. | |
| That's not English. | ||
| This is English, fucker. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hear that? | ||
| Nice and clean. | ||
| No fucking words slurring into the next word, like word soup. | ||
| You're on a goddamn word food train. | ||
| We're perfect over here in America. | ||
| We know how to rock it. | ||
| We fucking took your language and minceed it. | ||
| We made it better. | ||
| We haven't been seeing your language, bitch. | ||
| Who's our shooter of the day? | ||
| I haven't heard yet today. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I hope they catch him. | ||
| Fuck her, man. | ||
| It's getting ugly, dude. | ||
| That North Hollywood shit was crazy. | ||
| So that dude, the North Hollywood thing, for folks who don't know, there was a man on a roof, and I saw it from Eliza Schlesinger's Twitter. | ||
| Eliza Schlesinger was torturing her ex-boyfriend on Twitter and She dated a guy, Schlesinger, that made up a complete total history. | ||
| He said his mom was dying. | ||
| His mom was fine. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with his mom. | ||
| He said he went to Yale. | ||
| He never went to Yale. | ||
| He said he was starting up all these businesses. | ||
| The guy was like $100,000 in debt. | ||
| He was living with roommates. | ||
| He totally fabricated this super successful... | ||
| Eliza Schlesinger got Saratiana'd? | ||
| She got Saratiana'd. | ||
|
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|
Whoa! | |
| She got Sara Tianan hardcore, but she was going off on her Twitter. | ||
| And then I saw something about shoot the guy on the roof, and I'm like, what guy on the roof? | ||
| Like, you know, she was saying, kill that fucking guy. | ||
| She's so crazy. | ||
| So then I went and I started looking up stories. | ||
| What exactly is the full story? | ||
| Well what pretty much happened is it started off as a police chase and then it went on like it was one of those ones that just went on every single highway and the guy finally got out in North Hollywood And he just got out of his car. | ||
| And when he was driving, he was holding out a big rifle, an automated rifle, just like hanging out the window. | ||
| And so he pulls his car over in North Hollywood, and he gets out of his car, and he pulls out this huge gun. | ||
| And he just starts walking down North Hollywood with this gun. | ||
| And then he gets on top of a roof of a house. | ||
| And then at that time, that's when I tuned in, because I saw Eliza's tweet also. | ||
| I thought he was just going to shoot himself. | ||
| For about 20 minutes, he was on top of a roof with a gun. | ||
| Then he comes down off the roof and he breaks into this house. | ||
| Luckily, there was nobody home. | ||
| He just sat in the house for about four hours. | ||
| That's when the real life just completely became boring. | ||
| The news for three hours or however long it was was just repeating the same thing over and over there for three hours. | ||
| Finally, they got the SWAT team all around the house. | ||
| And they shot in a bunch of containers of smoke or whatever. | ||
| Tear gas. | ||
| Tear gas. | ||
| And the guy just walks out. | ||
| But what was the coolest thing is that the two police dogs just came running up to him, sniffed his leg, and then sat down right next to him, just like, hey, we're waiting for a whistle before we just chew your dick apart. | ||
| And the guy just surrendered. | ||
| So it was a really crazy beginning part of the movie. | ||
| And then it just sucked at the end. | ||
| Well, it seems like four hours. | ||
| You know, the problem with, we have a short attention span. | ||
| We want all these live altercations to go down as if they're a 90-minute movie that we can pay attention to. | ||
| Yeah, but I mean, just yesterday, there was somebody in Vegas. | ||
| I don't know if you saw the Walmart incident that happened, or the day before in Vegas. | ||
| Do you think this is copycat shit? | ||
| I think something's going on, man. | ||
| I was talking about it four days ago, like how we've been having a shooter every day. | ||
| There was that guy in Canada that I don't even know if they ever caught in Canada. | ||
| The guy that just had like three guns and he was going through neighborhoods shooting cops and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, he was shooting those guys who look like Bullwinkle's buddy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They dress like Bullwinkle's pal. | ||
| The Canadian Royal Mounties. | ||
| It's a horrible story. | ||
| He shot like three of them up there. | ||
| I met someone who knew that guy. | ||
| I can't remember the exact thing, but they weren't surprised. | ||
| It seems like it is kind of like a weird copycat thing, though. | ||
| Because, I mean, we've been having it ever since the Santa Barbara douchebag. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of people out there that are probably on the edge. | ||
| And it just takes one thing like that to push them. | ||
| Yeah, the school things with these... | ||
| You know, like I saw part of that... | ||
| He was talking like he was doing something much bigger than shooting a few people. | ||
| He was saying things like, I'm going to show America or the world. | ||
| He's talking on such a grand scale. | ||
| I think that they really think that it's even bigger than it is and that they're like a hero or something. | ||
| They're going to be remembered for that. | ||
| Well, they know that that's the thing that people are most afraid of. | ||
| So you can cause that thing to happen and you become famous. | ||
| I mean, it's that simple. | ||
| And they equate in their head being famous in that way as having an impact. | ||
| Obviously, the guy had a huge impact with all the people's families that he killed. | ||
| That guy just drove around. | ||
| He killed his three roommates. | ||
| What was fascinating was that that became... | ||
| This, like, woman's rights sort of hashtag. | ||
| Yes, all women. | ||
| I wouldn't say woman rights. | ||
| Like, awareness. | ||
| Awareness of violence that women face. | ||
| And I gotta admit, it makes you think about it in a different way. | ||
| That hashtag is a great hashtag. | ||
| Yes, all women. | ||
| Because not all men... | ||
| You don't have to worry about the things that women have to worry about. | ||
| You don't have to worry about being raped by chicks. | ||
| You don't have to worry about women beating you up or women stealing things from you or women trying to rape you. | ||
| You don't have to worry about it. | ||
| But women have to worry about it for men. | ||
| It's a whole different world they live in. | ||
| You know, it's hard to think about when you live in your world. | ||
| You know, your world's pretty easy. | ||
| You're a super twink. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, yeah, I was going to say, I'm about 130 pounds, so I'm pretty sure I can be raped at any given point. | ||
| I know a little. | ||
| The hashtag should be YesAllWomen and Tony Henshler. | ||
| I know what it's like to be a woman. | ||
| Do you remember when someone said that from the Who? | ||
| Pete Townsend said that? | ||
| He knows what it's like to be a woman. | ||
| Because he's been a woman. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it was some crazy claim or some crazy statement about having had bisexual experiences. | ||
| Pete Townsend's one of those guys. | ||
| If you do a little research, he has some crazy stuff about him, but he can get away with anything because he's the lead guitarist from The Who and he does that windmill thing. | ||
| When you're that cool, you could... | ||
| Be crazy, but he has like some crazy history. | ||
| He got investigated for child pornography. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he said that he was doing it for some sort of a research project or something like that. | ||
| He was researching child pornography, so in doing so, he's searching for it. | ||
| Yeah, I don't remember what the project was that he was involved with, that he was saying he was involved with, but that's kind of fucked. | ||
| There's one woman that could beat up, you were talking about there's no, like guys can get raped by women and stuff like that. | ||
| Did you see that woman that beat up that little 17-year-old kid and he filmed the whole thing on the Connecticut beach? | ||
| There's chicks like that out there. | ||
| He filmed it while she was beating him up? | ||
| Yeah, there's this woman in Connecticut. | ||
| He was flying with those little toy drones on the beach and it has little cameras in it. | ||
| And she thought, a crazy woman, like, oh, he's recording us, like, it's illegal or something to do that. | ||
| And she started, like, calling the police, and he started filming it on his iPhone, what she was doing. | ||
| And right when she got off the phone with the police, she's like, you better get here! | ||
| I got him right now! | ||
| And just starts beating this kid up. | ||
| And he's filming the whole thing like that. | ||
| After I saw this video, I actually had to go in the other room and just sit down, because my heart was racing so hard, I just wanted to kill somebody. | ||
| Would you like to look at it? | ||
| I'm mad about it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want to find this woman. | |
| This is going to drive you crazy. | ||
| I love this. | ||
| This is making me mad. | ||
| You had to go sit in another room because your heart was beating. | ||
| You're going to be okay, buddy. | ||
| They just breathe. | ||
| Injury mirrors, 23, did not appreciate this man flying his drone on the beach. | ||
| She was under the impression she had an exception of privacy on a public beach. | ||
|
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|
This guy is taking pictures and trying to upload them from a camera. | |
| Can you guys get here? | ||
| I'm not realizing there's video recording her. | ||
| He's taking pictures of people on the beach with a helicopter plane. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, can you guys hurry? | |
| The video kept him from getting arrested because she said that he had assaulted her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I already talked to him. | |
| Just come. | ||
| They released him after they showed the video from the iPhone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, stop, stop, stop, stop. | |
| It gets so fucked up. | ||
| Well right now, all you're seeing is this kid holding on to his equipment. | ||
| The woman is confronting him. | ||
| He's trying to put his equipment away. | ||
| You're assaulting me, you ass wife! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| She's like really... | ||
| It's hard to see what's happening here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You'll go see. | |
| Yeah, I think this is fake. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| The woman was arrested. | ||
| This is on the news. | ||
| What is this guy doing? | ||
| That's a weird half guard variation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you want to take pictures? | |
| Look at that. | ||
| Her hands are ripping in Thera's mouth. | ||
| Yeah, she's putting her hands in his mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| And he's filming it the entire time, like as a selfie. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| It's hilarious, actually. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you can see how it feels in sleep, Tom. | |
| Oh my god, this girl's crazy. | ||
| She's got a terrible half guard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now, what told me? | |
| If you weren't assaulting me, I wouldn't be touching you. | ||
| Maybe you shouldn't be taking pictures of people! | ||
| On the beach! | ||
| Do you want to stop assaulting me? | ||
| Get off of me! | ||
| I'm gonna beat your ass, you little motherfucker! | ||
| Can someone call the cops? | ||
| I'm being assaulted! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Help! | |
| Wow. | ||
| He's just totally playing her. | ||
| He's not really scared. | ||
| He's just happy that he's filming all this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Please get off of me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| That video makes me crazy. | ||
| It says photography is not a crime. | ||
| It's amazing that he got that. | ||
| Why does that make you so mad? | ||
| To me it's funny. | ||
| Because I've been in situations with psych... | ||
| What's funny is he wasn't in danger. | ||
| He was doing this the whole time. | ||
| He was making sure he filmed this girl beating the shit out of him. | ||
| He didn't even stop her or defend himself. | ||
| He wasn't scared. | ||
| I've been in domestic violence things before, though, and that shit where she could have just said, yeah, he attacked me and stuff like that. | ||
| She did, right? | ||
| She did say that. | ||
| I know, that whole situation drives me nuts. | ||
| The fact where it makes me want to have a GoPro on me recording all day long. | ||
| You get assaulted by chicks all day long? | ||
| Imagine if we got Brian's upload, and all day it'd be like chicks punching him, holding him down the parking lot, and fucking kicking him in the balls. | ||
| You just assaulted me! | ||
| And he just wasn't telling us about these... | ||
| Get over me! | ||
|
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|
He was just keeping all these from us because he didn't want us talking about it on the show. | |
| It's like, you know, every day, another one, I'm going to bring it up. | ||
| No, fuck it, they're going to make fun of me. | ||
| All day is just chicks beating his ass. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know, man. | ||
| I mean, she's obviously an asshole, but he was, like, letting her get away with it on purpose. | ||
| It is amazing, though. | ||
| It is amazing. | ||
| Five, ten years ago... | ||
| That same thing happens. | ||
| That 17-year-old who was just flying his plane on a beach ends up going to jail because if a woman does say, this guy assaulted me, and the cops come there and they see his shirt half ripped as if she was in a defensive position, you know what I mean? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's no doubt. | ||
| There's no doubt. | ||
| Well, she said that he was assaulted. | ||
| Or that he assaulted her, rather. | ||
| They showed the video, and that's what got him off. | ||
| So I think that she's obviously a crazy person and would lie. | ||
| But I think that's normal for people that beat your ass. | ||
| Like, people that beat your ass like that, like physically beat your ass, they're fucking crazy. | ||
| They're crazy. | ||
| Of course they're going to lie. | ||
| They're not telling the truth. | ||
| They're fucked up. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They're a mess. | ||
| Like, that's got to be the hardest thing about being a cop. | ||
| He's like, you're showing up and two people are beating the fuck out of each other. | ||
| You gotta figure out who did what? | ||
| And you always gotta side with the woman. | ||
| You just gotta. | ||
| O.J. Simpson law is what they nicknamed it. | ||
| And the reason why you gotta side with the woman is because, like, let's reverse that scenario. | ||
| If that guy had been beating that girl up, it wouldn't be funny at all. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it was funny to me, watching that guy, you're assaulting me! | ||
| Will you stop assaulting me while he's selfying himself? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I think that's funny. | ||
| I would not think it's funny if it was a man doing it to a woman. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because I would worry the woman's gonna really get hurt. | ||
| I wasn't worried about him getting hurt there. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, she wasn't even strong enough to hurt him. | ||
| You never know, man. | ||
| He was only 17, and she was a grown adult. | ||
| He was selfie-ing himself the whole time. | ||
| She could probably have raped him if she wanted to. | ||
| No, I think that kid is smart that he didn't fight back. | ||
| He's very smart that all he did was defend himself. | ||
| Very smart. | ||
| He's a smart kid, obviously. | ||
| You can't just go around doing that. | ||
| Like, yeah, you probably shouldn't fucking fly your drone into people's houses and film them. | ||
| You shouldn't hover over their backyard where they're trying to suntan and film them. | ||
| I don't know what he was doing. | ||
| It's a weird thing, this idea that you could put a camera on top of a little robot and fly it around. | ||
| Because when we were filming that sci-fi show, we had some dudes that were really good at it. | ||
| They had these high-tech drones, and we were fucking around with them and putting on these goggles. | ||
| And the virtual reality goggles, you put them on and you feel like you're flying like this drone. | ||
| You're going over the treetops. | ||
| And I was like, this is going to get real weird. | ||
| Because this isn't super expensive stuff. | ||
| Like you're looking at this, this is like, I mean, a couple thousand bucks or something like that to get a rig like this. | ||
| I don't know how many thousand, I'm just guessing, but it didn't look to be like prohibitively expensive. | ||
| It's not like something that costs 50 grand or something like that. | ||
| I think you could get it for the price of like some toys that people save up and buy. | ||
| There's a lot of people that can have a fucking flying robot that films everything. | ||
| No, they have it at Fry's for like $30. | ||
| $30? | ||
| They're really cheap. | ||
| You know technology's crazy when that's in the checkout area on your way out. | ||
| They'll grab a drone. | ||
| I don't think it's the same level of sophistication that these guys had. | ||
| These guys had, like I said, virtual reality cameras attached to them, and they're pretty sophisticated. | ||
| But they have a real problem with how long they can stay up in the air. | ||
| They can't stay up in the air very long. | ||
| They just can't do it. | ||
| They just run out of gas and they fall. | ||
| You can load them up with batteries, but then that battery is weight and it makes it harder for them to fly. | ||
| So they need to work around that. | ||
| I think they can only stay up for like 30 minutes or something like that. | ||
| I mean, maybe there's some that could do it better. | ||
| But when you're watching one fly over the treetops and you're wearing one of those goggles, it's a trip, dude. | ||
| It's a freaky feeling. | ||
| You're like, wow, this is nuts. | ||
| This is what it's like to be an eagle, you know? | ||
| If they can get that shit really, really good, it's going to be nuts. | ||
| If they can develop some super clear, like, get something that wraps around your head, right, like this, like your entire field of vision out like this is all this, you know, this screen, and then figure out some way to film something and not have it make any noise so you don't hear, like, Somehow or another, they can make something that doesn't make noise. | ||
| Yeah, these drones, there's a really cool music video, or not music video, but just video of a guy doing a drone over Los Angeles, and he goes on top of the Capitol Records building. | ||
| You can see the roof and stuff like that. | ||
| He goes over the Hollywood Hills parties, that house that's above the comedy store, and there's people having a party up there, and he's just going right over it. | ||
| People with beach balls. | ||
| Look, there's Jim Henson's studios. | ||
| He just flew over. | ||
| Yeah, see, that's kind of weird. | ||
| That's kind of weird. | ||
| Especially, like, say, if you have, like, an ex-boyfriend or an ex-girlfriend, they decide to fucking fly a drone around your house and film you while you're fucking the next person. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Get mad at you. | ||
| You fucking piece of shit! | ||
| You didn't even wait a month! | ||
|
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|
You didn't even wait a month? | |
| We were almost married? | ||
| You've got that whore in your bed? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wasn't expecting you to be watching me with your drone. | |
| My drone just introduced me to the truth. | ||
| You're a piece of shit. | ||
| You're fucking deflecting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I bought you that drone, I didn't think you were going to be spying on me. | |
| I thought you'd trust me, like the arguments of the future. | ||
| Do you think this has to be used by like perverts and paparazzis nowadays, like just going up in hotels with little cameras and drones and stuff? | ||
| Because look at this. | ||
| This is like HD. Look at this party that's on top of this hotel. | ||
| Look, these people are just having a party on this hotel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's incredible. | |
| And as drones flying over, people start noticing the drones start throwing beach balls at it and stuff. | ||
| They made it in certain places where it's legal to shoot them. | ||
| In Colorado, there was a town in Colorado that passed some sort of a resolution that allowed you to shoot at drones. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's so funny. | ||
| It's going to be like a video game. | ||
| We're going to be shooting drones every day. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Oh, here's a comedy story. | ||
| Look, going above the comedy story. | ||
| They've been there. | ||
| Yeah, on top of the... | ||
| This Colorado town, apparently they're just considering it. | ||
| They haven't done it totally as of March 31st. | ||
| But it's Deer Trail, Colorado. | ||
| And there's 563 people in the town that are worried about drones. | ||
| You should be worried about getting up to 600 people. | ||
| Your fucking town is tiny as shit. | ||
| Your town isn't even a small theater. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| How do you guys have your own laws? | ||
| That seems preposterous. | ||
| That a town that little, like you're driving through and the law changes and then you go to the other side and the law's different. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| The law's different and you got 563 people. | ||
| That's a cult. | ||
| That's a cult. | ||
| You got a cult. | ||
| You do not have a town, you fucking weirdos. | ||
| They probably just made it legal for witches to even exist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright, we'll allow witchcraft for now. | |
| But those drones are the devil. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Robot witches. | |
| You can't have robot witches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get those flying robot witches out of here on their flying robot broomstick. | |
| Well, there's these two towns in Colorado. | ||
| One is Greeley, and one is right next to it. | ||
| God, I can't remember the name of the one next to it. | ||
| Deer Valley or some shit. | ||
| Whatever it is, the one next to it embraced weed, like in a big way, where they just got fucking dispensaries opening up everywhere and giant warehouses. | ||
| And right next to it is Greeley, Colorado, and they had this CNBC show. | ||
| And it was hilarious because they had this guy who's like the sheriff of Greeley who wouldn't allow it. | ||
| And he was like, you know, I'm telling you, there's been a lot of things associated with marijuana now. | ||
| Like we're noticing long term psychiatric issues that are happening. | ||
| And you listen to this guy talking. | ||
| He's like some old fucking cowboy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Some crazy old cowboy who doesn't realize the war is over. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The guy's like standing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you know, no psychiatric issues. | |
| What about booze, you fuck? | ||
| What about cigarettes and the beatings you took in the boxing gym? | ||
| Should all that be illegal? | ||
| You fucking crazy asshole. | ||
| Look at these people. | ||
| They're having a blast right next door. | ||
| Go over to that place. | ||
| Go check out what they're doing. | ||
| They're fucking dancing in the street and hugging each other. | ||
| Everybody's high as fuck. | ||
| They're making millions. | ||
| They're making millions. | ||
| And you're like, there's no psychological issues due to fucking playing cards. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| People are nuts. | ||
| We're not perfect. | ||
| The idea that weed is what's fucking sending these psychological issues people over the top. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| How dare you make that association? | ||
| Especially since, you know, stress is such a huge factor of psychological... | ||
| It has to be the number one cause of psychological issues, stress. | ||
| Not to mention physical. | ||
| People don't really realize the reason why hearts give out is because of stress. | ||
| That's all the years of stress. | ||
| I mean, yeah, you get old, but it's still stress. | ||
| Stress on the heart, and stress is stress. | ||
| So it's so funny that that's a stance like marijuana... | ||
| Well, the problem, Tony Hinchcliffe, with your kind of thinking is we have data to back up our assertions. | ||
| It shows a clear change in the human brain. | ||
| We hear it in Greenlee. | ||
| The area that accepts bullshit shrinks. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| We need that plump and fat. | ||
| That area is not like fog wall. | ||
| We need it like a filled sponge. | ||
| We need that. | ||
| The area that allows bullshit. | ||
| And the marijuana is shrinking. | ||
| This area that allows you to tolerate bullshit. | ||
| And I don't like it. | ||
| I do not like it. | ||
| We need people out there that can suck in our bullshit. | ||
| It's like a bullshit liver. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| You have a bullshit liver. | ||
| You have a liver for booze. | ||
| You also have a bullshit liver in your brain. | ||
| And marijuana apparently makes that thing shrink. | ||
| That's what I heard. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They try everything. | ||
| They try everything to scare marijuana smokers. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| They should just smoke weed and get their dick sucked. | ||
| They would change the way they feel about all this. | ||
| They'd be like, I can't believe blowjobs feel so good. | ||
| It's from someone who loves you, who tickles your balls when you come in their mouth. | ||
| Hey, while you're high, Jesus, Louisa's. | ||
| Okay, they don't know about that? | ||
| Do they know about that? | ||
| Because if they do, you know, I would imagine if you're a girl... | ||
| There's no way the sheriff of Greenlee knows about that. | ||
| If you're a girl and you smoke a couple hits of weed and then get your pussy licked, that's gotta feel so good. | ||
| Could you imagine? | ||
| Like a shower feels good when you're high. | ||
| Can you imagine how good it feels for a girl? | ||
| Do you like your ass licked? | ||
| Do I like my ass licked? | ||
| Listen, you and I are never gonna have this conversation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is enough right now. | |
| It ends here. | ||
| It ends here with you. | ||
| I'm not opening those doors. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| What kind of a man asks another man? | ||
| This is like a fill-out form for a fucking gangbang video. | ||
| Okay, now, do you like it in your ass length? | ||
| Because if yes, check the box to the right. | ||
| That should never come up. | ||
| You should go from your cradle to the grave without anybody ever asking you, do you like it in your ass length? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Or maybe that should be a fun thing about a funeral, is you have to write the answer, yes or no, like on a piece of paper, and then have it in your hand like when you're dead, like in the open casket, and everybody checks. | ||
| I secretly loved it. | ||
| Did you check his note? | ||
| Yeah, it was a yes with two exclamation points. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He really liked it. | |
| See, the problem with the question, like, do you like your ass licked, is that's not how anybody ever asks it if they're gonna lick your ass. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They don't go, do you like to get your ass licked? | ||
| They don't say that. | ||
| They would say, do you want me to lick your ass, huh? | ||
| You do, huh? | ||
| They would have a lot of huh's in there, like, do you want me to lick your ass, huh? | ||
| You do, huh? | ||
| Like, they're already affirming it, because it's a risky thing to say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like, do you want me to lick your ass, huh? | ||
| Let me try it again, Jeff. | ||
| There's an affirmation in it. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's like you want that person to have an easy time saying yes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You want me to lick your ass? | |
| And you go, well, that would be cool. | ||
| You fucking sick fuck! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck you! | |
| I tricked you! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Asshole! | |
| Right, the bedroom opens up, the camera crew comes in. | ||
| You've been on the new show. | ||
| Do you want your ass licked? | ||
| And then it becomes like a big court case where they try to figure out what huh means when you add huh to it. | ||
| And the lawyer tries to defend it. | ||
| Clearly, if she used the word huh, she was trying to get a positive affirmation out of him. | ||
| She was manipulating his emotional responses, the natural responses of a person. | ||
| He was doing it to be polite. | ||
| He didn't really want his ass licked. | ||
| He didn't want her to feel bad. | ||
| She said huh already. | ||
| He's like, yeah, okay. | ||
| What? | ||
| As it was happening, he was realizing he had made a mistake. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It'd be like joining an army that thinks they're going to go out and fight Bigfoot. | ||
| Like, you got all your fucking gear and you're ready to go to the mountains. | ||
| Like, we are the Sasquatch! | ||
| And then he'd be like, oh, what have I done? | ||
| What have I done? | ||
| I can't believe I'm going to go. | ||
| There's an army of people. | ||
| I've joined. | ||
| Fuck, I made a mistake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit! | |
| Yeah. | ||
| But you can't pull out of it. | ||
| That's what it's got to be like. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Poor guy. | ||
| Greeley, Colorado. | ||
| You poor bastard. | ||
| Right next door. | ||
| I forget what the other city's name is. | ||
| Is that the same place that shoots down the drones? | ||
| Or is that a different city? | ||
| No, different place. | ||
| But the other place, the name... | ||
| Those people were so high that I forgot their name. | ||
| That's how high they were. | ||
| The mayor of the town was joking around about it. | ||
| They had the mayor of the town in this interview joking around about how this town's always been like that. | ||
| Like Greeley was a drive town back in the day. | ||
| You couldn't get booze. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We don't want no booze because what we see when we have booze is less attendance in the church. | |
| That's a bunch of crazy people. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| A lot of hooting and hollering. | ||
| The reason why they're afraid of booze and pot if they're that afraid of it is because they're afraid what they'll do if they have a drink or a smoke. | ||
| They're afraid that inner monster, whatever their Well, no, no, no, Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| I'm worried about your inner monster because my inner monster is safe under the guidance of the Lord. | ||
| See, you're a heathen out there running around with your own ideas and I got children. | ||
| Okay, Tony Hinchcliffe? | ||
| Well, Sheriff, I have bad news for you. | ||
| You're going and praying to an imaginary creature once or twice a week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, you fucking communist lesbian asshole. | |
| Listen, you can't say that. | ||
| It's imaginary. | ||
| You don't know, you son of a bitch. | ||
| I go to church. | ||
| I feel the Holy Spirit inside me all the time. | ||
| I move to tongues. | ||
| You ever move to tongues, Tony Hinchcliffe? | ||
| But then your priest, he drinks wine. | ||
| I mean, Jesus turned water into wine, but you don't want anybody to drink? | ||
| I am not a Catholic, sir. | ||
| I'm a Baptist. | ||
| Baptists, we don't fuck around with wine. | ||
| You can't have wine in the church. | ||
| Is that true they don't drink wine? | ||
| I don't believe so. | ||
| I think the wine is a Catholic thing. | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| This is a Google day. | ||
| Do Baptists use wine? | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| I know the Catholics love wine. | ||
| They try any excuse. | ||
| Like, hey, can we get the... | ||
| Well, you know what's really funny? | ||
| Mormons are not supposed to drink coffee. | ||
| Oof. | ||
| But they can drink those energy drinks. | ||
| I saw a dude who was a Mormon who used to pound those fucking giant monster energy drinks, and the dude would have panic attacks all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was just jacked to the teeth all day, just... | |
| Just redlining it all day. | ||
| What is this feeling that this gives me? | ||
| He has no idea because never having coffee can relate to it. | ||
| He wouldn't drink the coffee, but yet he's pounding these drinks. | ||
| Like, is it an evil being? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| There is an evil being out there, and it's corrupting the souls of our mortal youth. | ||
| Red Bull gives me wings just like the angels of Mormon. | ||
| Exactly, exactly. | ||
| Of the Mormon religion. | ||
| I drink a monster energy drink to be a monster against Satan's urges. | ||
| I monstrously attack you, Satan. | ||
| There's nothing funnier than Mormonism. | ||
| Oh, there is. | ||
| You know that they think that when you die, you get your own planet. | ||
| You know that, right? | ||
| How do you know you don't, Tony Hinchcliffe? | ||
| Okay, why so judgmental, Tony Hinchcliffe? | ||
| And that everybody lives on their own different planet. | ||
| That'd be dope. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, yeah, it'd be dope, but that's how you know it's a made-up story. | |
| It's only dope if we can visit each other. | ||
| It would suck if you were on the moon and I was on Mars, but I couldn't get to you. | ||
| I'd be like, Tony, where are you? | ||
| But I'm sure in this world, traveling is just so fast. | ||
| Yeah, it's probably pretty quick. | ||
| If you can get to a place where you have your own planet, I would assume you just be wherever you want, whenever you want to be there. | ||
| It'll be instantaneous. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That'll happen. | ||
| One day we'll figure that out. | ||
| We'll figure out how to transport ourselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| I think if human beings live for another million years, if we live to an... | ||
| I mean, we're supposedly like this close to like this frame that we're in right now, the homo sapien, the way we look, is supposedly pretty similar to what a million years ago looked like. | ||
| Like a million years ago, there was some ape-like man that kind of stood up, but fairly similar. | ||
| And then maybe in this form, a few hundred thousand years, three or four hundred thousand years, there's a lot of guesswork involved in figuring it out. | ||
| But if we could keep going, another million. | ||
| We would be hairless, for sure. | ||
| We'd lose our hair. | ||
| We would probably be really slight and very Tony Hinchcliffe-like, like a dancer's physique, an alien dancer. | ||
| And our heads would grow. | ||
| We would look like fucking aliens. | ||
| And then, when we hit that point... | ||
| If we continue, if we don't blow each other up, if we continue and we don't get hit by an asteroid, we continue to improve our ability to do things, it'll be nuts. | ||
| A million years from now, you probably will be able to transport or teleport anywhere you want, anywhere in the world. | ||
| I'll one-up you. | ||
| I'll bet 100,000 years. | ||
| Jesus Christ, Tony Hinchcliffe! | ||
| At this rate that we're growing with technology, I think we're even closer. | ||
| I would almost say 10,000 years. | ||
| If you think about 10,000 years ago, that sounds really dumb. | ||
| 10,000 years ago doesn't seem like that long ago, but that's a really long time. | ||
| 10,000 years ago, we find these stone buildings that they made, a bunch of really cool shit that they left behind. | ||
| But, not much else. | ||
| Yeah, 10,000 years ago, I don't even think people are on boats. | ||
| They didn't even figure that out yet, right? | ||
| No, they did. | ||
| They're finding out that people figured out a lot of shit a lot earlier than we thought. | ||
| In fact, 40,000 years ago, they were fishing for tuna in boats. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that was the number that they came up with because they found these deep sea rigs where they use these long lines and these big hooks and they were catching tuna. | ||
| They found tuna DNA, which is really crazy. | ||
| Tuna are deep water fish. | ||
| So these fuckers, let me find out what year it was. | ||
| They figured out, let me see, Google there, ancient people fish for tuna. | ||
| Are you sitting on a yoga ball now? | ||
| No. | ||
| What is that chair? | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| You're like, fuck back support. | ||
| Who needs it? | ||
| No, this is the best back support. | ||
| For me, at least. | ||
| It forces you to sit straight. | ||
| See how I'm sitting? | ||
| This is how you're supposed to sit. | ||
| You're supposed to sit like this. | ||
| Your head's not supposed to be forward. | ||
| And when you, most times you sit in a chair, you wind up slumping, sitting like that. | ||
| And then it makes your back really tight. | ||
| Since I've been using this, my back never fucks with me when we do podcasts. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, you just, you sit on it and your knees are in it. | ||
| I don't know what they're called, like a knee chair or something like that. | ||
| But you're carrying your own weight, and then once you do it for a while, if you get used to it, then you start doing it everywhere. | ||
| I do it on planes. | ||
| You should sit up straight all the time. | ||
| And when you don't, when you have bad posture, I used to think that people said, oh, you should watch your posture, because they didn't want you looking lazy. | ||
| But it's actually not good for your discs. | ||
| Like, your shit gets compressed. | ||
| That's why when dudes have a fat wallet, they say never keep a fat wallet in your back pocket. | ||
| If you're one of those guys that keeps every goddamn business card that you ever get, what was that? | ||
| Fucking Toys R Us. | ||
| $10. | ||
| Oh, fool. | ||
| You get these big, fat, crazy, thick wallets. | ||
| If you sit on that shit all the time, you can get disc problems. | ||
| Like, a lot of cab drivers get sciatic nerve problems. | ||
| Because they get a pinched disc because your body's just got an uneven distribution of weight. | ||
| And that's what it is kind of when you're slumped or you're sitting weird. | ||
| You know, it's an uneven distribution of weight. | ||
| I have that 100%. | ||
| Anytime I go on a road trip now, after like two hours, my right side starts getting numb and I start, I mean, I start having like little... | ||
| Do you sit on your wallet? | ||
| No, I don't, but it's like how I sit, and also, I'm a sluncher, I'm a turtle. | ||
| Yeah, you shouldn't do that, man. | ||
| I used to think that it was just that, like, slouching. | ||
| I had a real problem with slouching. | ||
| I slouch all the time. | ||
| And I just, I think, I thought it was just, like, the way it looks is not good. | ||
| Like, people don't like the way it looks. | ||
| So my attitude was, fuck, man, that's so stupid. | ||
| But it's just not, you're When your back is straight like this, like this is the way you're supposed to stand, your spinal column, your core, is carrying your weight very evenly. | ||
| It's all stacked up. | ||
| But when your head goes forward and you sort of relax, you put a great deal of pressure on other parts. | ||
| There's like a peak area of your spine that has additional pressure. | ||
| And it seems like nothing. | ||
| And it is nothing for a long time. | ||
| And then it becomes something. | ||
| And if you sit, like, I used to get real bad back and neck pains from writing, and I think I might have fucked myself up doing that as much as I fucked myself up from doing jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Because I would write for a long period of time, and I would sit in a chair like this with my head forward, and then when I was all done, I'd be like, ugh, my neck would be fucking killing me. | ||
| I just don't like sitting like this because I feel like I'm posing like a woman and I'm pointing my butt and boobs out. | ||
| I feel like I have to look back at it like I hate it or something. | ||
| So you're afraid of the way it looks. | ||
| You'd rather just have a backache. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, a backache is just easier to deal with. | ||
| No, but seriously, it does look really silly for me to sit like, hey, because my butt's sticking out and my boobs are sticking out. | ||
| You need to reduce both of those things. | ||
| They won't stick out as much. | ||
| That would help tremendously. | ||
| And, uh... | ||
| Believe me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's Brian Redman logic. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| I don't want to lose my boobs and my butt. | ||
| I've been working on this. | ||
| He lost a lot of weight and got real slim. | ||
| He's like, it makes my head look too big. | ||
| Fuck this. | ||
| He looks like a freak. | ||
| He spent all this work to get down to 160-something pounds. | ||
| He was super skinny. | ||
| Yeah, I have a picture of me and you together and I look like a fucking Lego boy. | ||
| You don't look like a Lego boy, dude. | ||
| You just, you look healthy. | ||
| I look like I had AIDS, remember? | ||
| Everyone called me AIDS face. | ||
| Well, it's because you did it so quick. | ||
| You did it, not everyone. | ||
| You're at the post office. | ||
| I can drop off some packages. | ||
| Okay, AIDS face. | ||
| Aren't you AIDS face? | ||
| Yeah, Starbucks, you know, venti, mocha latte, AIDS face. | ||
| AIDS face, okay. | ||
| They write it on your cup. | ||
| It didn't look like you had AIDS, dude. | ||
| What it looked like to me was a guy who lost weight. | ||
| He looked healthy. | ||
| That's when we met Seth Rogen. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah, we did the High Times Music Awards. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| High Times Awards? | ||
| High Times Awards. | ||
| I presented him with Stoner of the Year. | ||
| And there was Jack Harar. | ||
| Yeah, Jack Harar. | ||
| He was alive back then. | ||
| Those things are interesting, those fucking High Times Awards. | ||
| You meet all the fellow stoners. | ||
| Maybe the nicest people on the planet. | ||
| Like celebrity stoners, like Be Real. | ||
| Is there a nicer person in Be Real? | ||
| That guy's one of the nicest people on the planet. | ||
| All those celebrity stoners, they're all super cool. | ||
| Doug Benson, sweetheart. | ||
| All the celebrity stoners are just super nice people. | ||
| Why anybody would want to stop a drug like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, you know, I'll tell you the problem with that. | |
| Well, you're not taken into account as a lack of ambition. | ||
| These stoners, they take up, you know, a lot of room, and they don't do anything. | ||
| They don't earn their keep. | ||
| But Sheriff, what about all the artists and the musicians that have come from a pot that smoke pot? | ||
| You mean queers like Steve Jobs? | ||
| Is that what you're trying to say? | ||
| Yeah, Jesus took him from us. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| Jesus is not impressed. | ||
| You don't look like AIDS face there, fella. | ||
| You look good. | ||
| It looked like a... | ||
| No. | ||
| You're just not used to it. | ||
| Because you're used to this backup. | ||
| You're used to all this support. | ||
| You got your head, then you got some backup. | ||
| When your body shrinks up, you felt like you didn't have any backup. | ||
| Your head just didn't seem like it was... | ||
| Aw, Brian, look at you. | ||
| Dude, you don't look bad there at all. | ||
| You look great. | ||
| You want to have some fat sex? | ||
| You know, I've told you before. | ||
| Why does everything that's skinny with you mean gay? | ||
| That's so weird. | ||
| No, I just... | ||
| Because he's got issues. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, I just look like I had AIDS. You don't look like you have AIDS. Right, HIV. You don't even look like you have HIV. You look like you have diarrhea. | |
| Maybe. | ||
| Like a little bit. | ||
| Like you got that face like... | ||
| It's adorable, Brian. | ||
| Look, dude, come on, look at that picture. | ||
| You don't look bad at all. | ||
| That's the dude from Weeds. | ||
| But look at your face. | ||
| You do not look bad at all. | ||
| I can't watch Weeds. | ||
| I watched one episode, and who the fuck was on it? | ||
| One of our friends was on it. | ||
| Who was on it? | ||
| Kevin Nealon? | ||
| No, it's Brett Ernst. | ||
| Brett Ernst was on it. | ||
| Yes, right? | ||
| What did he play, like a drug dealer? | ||
| He played drug dealer in the third season. | ||
| Yeah, I watched it because Brett was on it. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I watched it one other time, and I was like, this is fake. | ||
| This is not real. | ||
| I'm not buying this. | ||
| You know what's fake? | ||
| Is that Catfish show. | ||
| I heard so many people say how awesome that show is. | ||
| I finally watch it. | ||
| The fakest show I've ever seen. | ||
| Duh! | ||
| I didn't know it was fake. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Duh! | |
| You know, I heard on reality TV, sometimes they like plan that shit out. | ||
| Like it's not really reality. | ||
| Did you hear that, Tony? | ||
| Well, it almost seems like it would benefit them with so much money, spending money on a production. | ||
| Oh, wait a minute, conspiracy theorist. | ||
| So you think that what they would do just to make money, they would be willing to fake it and risk their reputations? | ||
| That's a reality show. | ||
| When I tune into a reality show, I want reality. | ||
| You know that, and I know that. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's a weird one to fake, though. | ||
| It's the best one to fake. | ||
| Why wouldn't you fake that one? | ||
| You figure out how easy it is, what they're doing, people just looking at a camera like, I thought for sure that he was the man that I thought. | ||
| Dude, people will do whatever the fuck you ask them to do if you have a camera in front of you. | ||
| There's a certain amount of people that will do it. | ||
| So if you have some sort of reality show, and you just manipulate these people and say, hey... | ||
| This is what you're going to do. | ||
| You're going to tell us that you've been texting this guy and pretending to be a girl, and then you're going to meet him here and say, I busted you, dude, and now I know what's up. | ||
| And the guy's like, okay, okay, okay. | ||
| How long have I known him? | ||
| You've been friends for 20 years. | ||
| Okay, okay, okay. | ||
| We've been friends for 20 years, man. | ||
| And they'll say shit like that. | ||
| Man, we've been friends for 20 years. | ||
| I thought I trusted you. | ||
| Of course they're going to fake that shit. | ||
| It's like all that Maury Povich and stuff. | ||
| That shows still when I'm on the road and I'm flipping through channels, I'll stop for a few minutes and I'll watch Maury. | ||
| I'll watch the results because no matter what... | ||
| No matter what happens, one of them's going to get up and go, Oh, I told you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I told you that that was or wasn't my baby. | |
| Like, whichever one. | ||
| One of them's going to flip out because, you know, it's just so coached. | ||
| Well, one of the guys who was a doorman at, not Eastside Comedy Club, Governors. | ||
| Governors in Levittown in Long Island. | ||
| One of the doormen was a regular on those shows back in the day. | ||
| Like, this is the 1980s. | ||
| I want to say 1990, 1991, pre-internet. | ||
| And he used to get a call. | ||
| And they would say, we're looking for a man who has been having sex with his brother's wife. | ||
| And he goes, what a coincidence. | ||
| I've been having sex with my brother's wife. | ||
| What do you want me to do? | ||
| And they would literally say that to him. | ||
| See if you can help us out here. | ||
| That was the conversation they would have. | ||
| What we're trying to find is a guy who got arrested wearing women's clothes and trying to get a job in a woman's office. | ||
| And they would go, oh, what a coincidence. | ||
| You know, they'll tell him the exact scenario that he wants. | ||
| So all those people are just, they're just good at it. | ||
| Like you'll see that Mike Ricca did it. | ||
| Mike Ricca did it way back in the day. | ||
| Mike Ricca, who was a comic at the Comedy Store in the 1990s, he did that shit for money. - I met Mike. - Yeah, Mike was a funny dude, man. | ||
| Mike was a funny dude. | ||
| You know, I don't know if he's still doing stand-up anymore, but back in the day when we started out together at the store in the 90s, he was fucking funny, man. | ||
| There's a lot of those guys that for whatever reason, you know, people don't find out about them. | ||
| Yeah, he's one of those guys that was there the first few months when I started, and we made friends, and then I watched him basically quit. | ||
| I think he moved somewhere else, but I watched him fade out of the store. | ||
| Yeah, but anyway, he used to do that shit. | ||
| They would hire him to do... | ||
| Remember when... | ||
| What was the chick? | ||
| Jenny Jones? | ||
| Was that it? | ||
| The chick who had the show? | ||
| Remember? | ||
| And they did a thing where they humiliated this guy because there was a gay guy that he worked with that was in love with him. | ||
| And so the guy comes on and he has no idea that this gay guy loves him. | ||
| And he freaks out, he gets humiliated on the show, and then he goes and shoots the guy afterwards. | ||
| And they were like, that's a wrap for you! | ||
| And they just cease and desist the entire show. | ||
| But that show was a turning point in those things. | ||
| They realized, okay, there's some fucking repercussions to this shit. | ||
| That's when stuff started getting more produced. | ||
| They realized that At least they gotta tell the person before or something. | ||
| When they did the Jenny Jones thing, that was a real guy in a real office who was attracted to his co-worker and when that guy was on TV with them, this nutty dude who wound up shooting the guy, he was just humiliated beyond words. | ||
| But whereas if you were on there and you found out some guy at work thought you were hot, you'd be uncomfortable but you would find it hilarious. | ||
| You'd probably have an issue because dudes can get creepy. | ||
| If you were a girl and you got on a show and you found out that your co-worker loves you, that would be a real problem. | ||
| If you were a girl, say if you worked in some office, maybe you even have a boyfriend or a husband, and you got some guy who's your co-worker who not only professes his love to you but does so on national television in a surprise attack, you'd be like, oh great. | ||
| Now I gotta fucking stop working there. | ||
| Or he's gotta stop working there. | ||
| Something's gonna happen. | ||
| Yeah, it is a weird approach, especially when you factor in that that guy probably told, the gay guy probably told the guy on Jenny Jones on the air so that nothing would happen to him. | ||
| You know, he didn't tell him at the office, like, hey man, I really like you, please don't hit me. | ||
| Like, he went on the air and that backfired. | ||
| Yeah, I guess you probably thought, look, I'm gonna be on TV with the fucking... | ||
| Nothing's gonna happen to me. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm gonna be on television. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Nothing can happen to me. | ||
| It's not gonna hurt me. | ||
| No one's gonna hurt me. | ||
| I'm gonna be on television. | ||
| Yeah, and Jenny Jones' career's just gonna keep going on. | ||
| The show's gonna keep going. | ||
| Everything's gonna be fine. | ||
| Jenny Jones is a talent. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| You're not gonna stop her with one little scandal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That bitch is gonna be back stronger than ever. | ||
| America demands Jenny Jones. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She used to have a show that she would do... | ||
| She was a comic. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She used to do a show back in the day. | ||
| If you go to Jenny Jones' early stuff, it's crazy. | ||
| She had this crazy bulletproof hairdo. | ||
| This big, giant, huge, sprayed-up hairdo. | ||
| And she would do these ladies-only shows. | ||
| And when I was living in Boston, there was a club. | ||
| I don't know if it was the Comedy Connection. | ||
| It was either Duck Soup or the Improv. | ||
| Because it was the upscale. | ||
| They had an upscale club. | ||
| And she would buy out every seat. | ||
| And there was no men who were allowed in the building. | ||
| The guys couldn't work the bar. | ||
| Guys couldn't work the door. | ||
| They had to have all female employees. | ||
| The whole thing would be filled with females. | ||
| And so they did it as sort of like a gimmick. | ||
| And they had these all-female shows where Jenny Jones would talk about her period. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Or whatever, or men's stuff, or things that men want to hear. | ||
| But that's when the guy fucked with the other guy, rather, and told him that he was in love with them. | ||
| But if you go back to her stand-up, you'll see her crazy hair. | ||
| When they had her on the talk show, she kind of toned it down, and her hair became normal-sized. | ||
| But before, it was some tribal thing. | ||
| Before she was on TV. Yeah, she had some tribal peacock thing going on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Those network heads. | ||
| Oh, we're going to put you in hair and makeup. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Is that stand-up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at that. | |
| Pow! | ||
| Man. | ||
| Good lord. | ||
| She looks like David Bowie in that. | ||
| That's like rock star. | ||
| Let's hear some of it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a good eye doctor, though. | |
| Man, she's hot, actually. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, we missed that joke. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She looks like the top half of a centaur. | |
| She does the way she's moving. | ||
|
unidentified
|
because she's on those heels she has to do a little balancing act we forgot the coupons we had to go back oh my god that got an applause break laughing Stop this. | |
| Stop this right now. | ||
| This is CGI. This is better CGI than King Kong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's better CGI than the Dire Wolves in Game of Thrones. | |
| That's ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So true. | |
| There's nothing worse than a fake applause break, like a bad one. | ||
| Well, I mean, the Navy really loved her. | ||
| They were so happy to hear her just get out a joke. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| You saw the movie Punchline, right? | ||
| I tried to watch it the other day and just see if there was... | ||
| There was parts in it that I remember going, that was hilarious. | ||
| In the wrong reason. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, that was before you did stand-up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I was also like 10 when it came out. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was doing stand-up when that came out. | ||
| I was just starting to do stand-up. | ||
| And I remember watching it going, what the fuck is this? | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's weird when you watch someone do something that you know they can't do. | ||
| Say if I did a movie, I'll never do a movie that I have to play guitar. | ||
| But if I did a movie where I played guitar in it, I would learn how to fucking play guitar. | ||
| Because if I was a guitar player and I was watching some movie about Jimi Hendrix and the guy's just like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know he doesn't know what he's doing. | |
| He's just moving his fingers around. | ||
| I would be like, this is annoying as shit. | ||
| I know he can't really play guitar. | ||
| This guy's faking it. | ||
| If you're watching some fake kung fu in a movie, it ruins the movie for you. | ||
| That's why, like in Kill Bill, you ever see that? | ||
| Tarantino sent everybody in that assassination squad to Japan for like a month or two or three, some crazy amount of time. | ||
| Learn Kendo? | ||
| Learn all of it. | ||
| They learned the art of the samurai sword, they learned Kung Fu... | ||
| I mean, big time, like from the guys, from the main people, from the actual old school stuff. | ||
| Well, you know David Lee Roth does that now? | ||
| David Lee Roth lives in Japan and takes samurai lessons. | ||
| That sounds awesome. | ||
| That sounds amazing. | ||
| He moved to Japan with his dog by himself, got an apartment, and he takes kendo. | ||
| Kendo is this Japanese sword fighting art, and he practices sword fighting. | ||
| That's so cool. | ||
| Yeah, David Lee Roth is a legit maniac. | ||
| He's a wild man. | ||
| Doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| Having a great time. | ||
| Doing kendo. | ||
| Playing sword fighting. | ||
| One of the biggest rock stars the world's ever known. | ||
| And you know those Japanese people lose it if he comes into their restaurant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jump! | |
| Jump! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Go ahead, jump. | |
| Panama! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Panama! | |
| I bet not. | ||
| I bet he slinks right in, you know, because he dresses very low-key. | ||
| Like, he wears overalls all the time and, like, one of them paperboy hats. | ||
| He wears one of those things all the time. | ||
| So he's... | ||
| I bet he just slinks around. | ||
| It's got to be so beautiful over here. | ||
| Japanese culture is so smooth and relaxing and cool. | ||
| It's very different, that's for sure. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why Japan... | ||
| If you go over there, it feels like you're in another world. | ||
| It doesn't just feel like you're in another country. | ||
| It feels like you're in another world. | ||
| The way people behave... | ||
| Everybody's really polite. | ||
| It's very unusual. | ||
| They don't necessarily like white people, especially the old folks that were around during the Pearl Harbor days. | ||
| Not a big fan of white folks when it comes to that. | ||
| But the rest of them, the young kids, love Americans. | ||
| I guess most of those Pearl Harbor people are dead. | ||
| But how could you expect them to not hate on Americans? | ||
| They dropped two bombs on them. | ||
| Yeah, we did that. | ||
| That was sort of an ouchie. | ||
| That was a big ouchie. | ||
| Such a dick move. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| I mean, we are the only people in the world to really nuke another place, right? | ||
| We nuked it twice, too. | ||
| We didn't even do it once. | ||
| In the same day, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
We wanted to make sure. | |
| Are you sure there weren't just shitty buildings? | ||
| Let's try the other one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I think it was the next day or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ugh. | |
| Oh, it was! | ||
| You know, there's one guy, because I read a thing. | ||
| Here's one that's crazy for you. | ||
| I read a thing about the guy that was in both. | ||
| He was in Hiroshima, right? | ||
| And he had to, like, go to work. | ||
| Like, he barely survived or whatever, or was on a train or something like that to Nagasaki. | ||
| So he goes from Hiroshima, he survives Hiroshima, he's in Nagasaki the next day, and then same thing happens. | ||
| Can you imagine the luck on that guy? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| That's crazy, and just imagine that time of the year, or that time of the world, when you really could just think that this could continue. | ||
| Like, bombs could just be dropping now. | ||
| Like, one's already started, we're in the middle of a world war, and then all of a sudden, cities are getting leveled. | ||
| Like, a whole city's getting leveled. | ||
| I mean, how many people died those? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| And, you know, another thing is that the one in Hiroshima landed next to a hill. | ||
| So, like, the hill actually saved a lot of people. | ||
| Okay, the atomic bomb killed between 90,000 and 166,000 within the first two to four months. | ||
| Roughly half of the deaths in each city occurred on the first day. | ||
| During the following months, large numbers died from the effects of the burns, radiation, sickness, and other injuries compounded by illness. | ||
| In both cities, most of the dead were civilians, although Hiroshima had a sizable garrison. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Crazy... | ||
| Oh, we got a shooter of the day. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Shooting at Oregon High School to confirm dead. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Fuck, that's today? | ||
| Yeah, just now. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Oof. | ||
| What the hell is going on? | ||
| Do you think it's going to become where we all have to have guns? | ||
| We all have to carry guns? | ||
| Just like Star Wars where we all have our weapons all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All of us. | |
| It's going to be one or the other. | ||
| Either it's going to be that or it's going to be no guns, right? | ||
| August 6th was Hiroshima. | ||
| August 9th was Nagasaki. | ||
| So they waited. | ||
| And then waited a couple of days. | ||
| God, that's so scary. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's what the gun people are worried about. | ||
| The gun people are worried about, you know, they're just going to try to take our guns away now. | ||
| And people are not going to just give up their guns. | ||
| And they're going to vote for people that are going to be put in offense. | ||
| They're going to ensure that you don't put up their guns. | ||
| And then the problem is those people also get connected. | ||
| Like, if you have a guy, like, say there's a guy that says... | ||
| I am going to support the Second Amendment no matter what. | ||
| Every American has a right to bear arms. | ||
| Everybody goes crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| All the bear arms people are on that guy's side now. | ||
| So that guy, you can attach that guy to a bunch of other shit you might not necessarily believe in. | ||
| Like, you could attach that guy to a bunch of weird environmental shit, relaxing some of the environmental regulations that are on... | ||
| Certain areas that are a bit risky to do certain things in that might kill a bunch of fucking weird fish, but whatever, whatever, we can make a lot of money. | ||
| Those guys get attached and corrupted and attached to all those things. | ||
| Because you know that there's a sizable chunk of Americans that will vote to keep their guns. | ||
| And then there's also the people that are on the other side of it that, you know, no matter what, they're going to vote against guns. | ||
| There's no matter what. | ||
| Like, if you're, we've got to clean up these streets and take these guns out of these schools. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| There's those people. | ||
| And you've got those people. | ||
| If you are an anti-gun person, you say, we need tighter regulations. | ||
| We need tighter restrictions. | ||
| We need less guns, not more guns. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| You have those people. | ||
| And then you can attach that to a bunch of weird shit. | ||
| Weird social shit. | ||
| Insurance company scams where everybody has to get certain amounts of insurance. | ||
| How about we have... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody has to wear a seatbelt. | |
| Because we're paying out too much money. | ||
| So they have regulations to protect you. | ||
| You have to wear a seatbelt. | ||
| Well, if I have to wear a seatbelt, how come this guy is allowed to drive a motorcycle? | ||
| Are you crazy? | ||
| He doesn't even have a cage around him. | ||
| This doesn't make any sense. | ||
| Okay... | ||
| You make them wear a helmet. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| You make them wear a helmet. | ||
| I think it's way safer for me in a car with no seatbelt on. | ||
| And I'm not trying to argue for no seatbelts because I always wear one. | ||
| But I think it's probably way safer to be in a car with no seatbelt than it is to be on a motorcycle when there's an accident. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And in a lot of states, they don't even have to wear a helmet. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, Colorado you don't. | ||
| You don't have to in Vegas either. | ||
| Ohio. | ||
| That's a big one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think there's a few. | ||
| There's quite a few. | ||
| And I think it's because the people that ride motorcycles, they love that feeling so much that they're like, fuck it. | ||
| I'm willing to risk my dollars. | ||
| I'd imagine that is like the wearing a condom of the motorcycle world. | ||
| It's like, once you do it without one, you're like... | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| You're absolutely right. | ||
| But nowadays, with such great technology with Bluetooth and phones and stereos and the helmets and stuff, I think more people are actually wearing helmets because it's badass to take a phone call while it's in your helmet. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know about that, dude, because the type of dudes who don't want to wear helmets, those are like the Harley guys. | ||
| Yeah, true. | ||
| You know, where they don't want, they just want... | ||
| It's just their bandana floating in the back. | ||
| Yeah, and their woman, their woman with her arms wrapped around my waist and I'm free. | ||
| I got my red, white, and blue bandana wrapped around... | ||
| Oh, wait, is that a drone up in the air? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I'm a true maverick. | ||
| I'm not like those faggots out there pretending. | ||
| Okay, I'm a true maverick. | ||
| I vote Republican, and I ride a motorcycle, and my woman's got some long nails. | ||
| I scratch my back, and I feel them pulling on my leather, my vest, and my motorcycle club. | ||
| Makes me well up inside thinking about all my other brothers. | ||
| My brothers out there on their metal horses riding out into the sunset. | ||
| We're together. | ||
| We're a team. | ||
| We're a band of brothers. | ||
| I ride my bike, and I bear arms, and I got the arms of a bear, and I'm a man. | ||
| Did you ever read Hunter Thompson's thing on the motorcycle games? | ||
| Mm-mm. | ||
| His first book, the big book that sort of introduced Hunter Thompson to the world, was his take on the Hells Angels. | ||
| He was embedded in the Hells Angels. | ||
| Like, hung around with them, went with them. | ||
| And he did it for a long time. | ||
| He was with, like, for a couple years. | ||
| He was, like, embedded in the Hells Angels. | ||
| He'd go hang out with them at parties and shit. | ||
| But then he got into an altercation because a guy was beating up his girlfriend and Hunter, you know, said something to him. | ||
| The guy beat the shit out of him too and a couple other guys beat the shit out of him too. | ||
| And then he wrote the book. | ||
| The book came out and everybody fucking, you know, went crazy for it. | ||
| And that sort of started Hunter S. Thompson's, you know, gonzo journalism. | ||
| He went from that... | ||
| Which is more of, it's different if you compare it to his older stuff. | ||
| That's his first piece, which is more, it's still got that sort of gonzo edge to it, but it's more based in reality than like when he did Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. | ||
| When he got to Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, that was originally supposed to be something that he wrote for ESPN. And it was covering a motorcycle race. | ||
| It was so fucking crazy that they were like, we can't use this. | ||
| And so he turned it into this novel and that sort of kick-started his gonzo career. | ||
| That and Kentucky Derby. | ||
| He wrote a piece on the Kentucky Derby that was pretty fucking crazy too. | ||
| But he was embedded with those fucking angels for two years. | ||
| And he's got some wild fucking stories, man. | ||
| Orgies, and those guys would kiss each other. | ||
| Whenever they would have cameras on them, they would kiss each other and tongue each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| To freak people out. | ||
| You see these big motorcycle dudes, crazy beards, making out with each other. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Was YMCA, were they actually gay? | ||
| Because I saw a video the other day, and it didn't seem very gay. | ||
| Village people? | ||
| Yeah, the village people. | ||
| But it seemed like maybe one or two of them were. | ||
| Do you remember... | ||
| Do you remember Jamie Kennedy, when Jamie Kennedy had that show, The Jamie Kennedy Experiment? | ||
| What was it? | ||
| Jamie Kennedy Experiment, right? | ||
| Was it The Experiment? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He had this one episode that he did, and it was about guys and talking these guys into being strippers. | ||
| They're going to be male strippers. | ||
| And then along the line, it gets creepier and creepier. | ||
| They're going to be on a TV show. | ||
| It's like, girls gone wild, guys gone nuts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay? | |
| This is guys gone nuts. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, okay, okay. | ||
| And then they tell him that it's going to be a lot of it is for gay guys. | ||
| But it doesn't matter, man. | ||
| You're going to be a huge star and all this stuff. | ||
| And he starts going over some of the gay things he might have to do. | ||
| Like, might have to make out with another man. | ||
| And the guy's like, well, man, I don't want to do that, but I do want to be on the show. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| And then at the end of it, they reveal. | ||
| But it's real. | ||
| It's not a setup. | ||
| It was a real show. | ||
| Jamie Kennedy's a fucking genius in that shit. | ||
| I don't know why he stopped doing that. | ||
| Maybe it was lawsuits. | ||
| Maybe they got in trouble for doing it. | ||
| But that was the best shit he ever did. | ||
| It was really fucking funny. | ||
| But it was all these guys. | ||
| So I would suspect that it's like that kind of situation. | ||
| There's enough guys out there that if you just guarantee them they're gonna be on television, guarantee them they're gonna have some sort of fame, they'll do some gay shit. | ||
| Well, the reason why I ask is that song that David Lee Roth did, I'm a gigolo everywhere. | ||
| I didn't know that Village People was one of their songs, and if you watch the video, it's smooth as hell, like he's a pimp. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And I was like, wait a second, I thought this was some weird gay band. | ||
| All I had to do was type in, are the Village People, and then Google filled out gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow! | |
| Okay, which members of the village people were are gay? | ||
| All right, here we go. | ||
| Victor Willis, the policeman, and Glenn Hughes, the biker, were straight, while Felipe Rose, the American Indian, and Randy Jones, the cowboy... | ||
| David Hodo, the construction worker, and Alex Briley, the military man, were gay. | ||
| So there was only two straight dudes, and the rest of them were just... | ||
| Four gay members. | ||
| Jerking off on them while they were taking nuts. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| This is Just a Gigolo? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Check out Pimp this guy. | ||
| This is a Village People song? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| David Lee Roth, you have a lot of explaining to do. | ||
| But it's actually a kind of cool video. | ||
| It's got this... | ||
| I just changed my idea of what the village people were. | ||
| You can really tell which ones are gay. | ||
| This guy's just hooking up with a chick and then it cuts to some guy with a black tank top and a pilot's hat. | ||
| Well, not only that, it's a black guy and a white woman. | ||
| There's an interracial vibe to it. | ||
| And she's really hot, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Oh, there they were again. | ||
| They're all in the alley. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They cut to the gay guys dancing, looking at themselves in a mirror. | ||
| No, the policeman was not gay. | ||
| The policeman and the biker are straight. | ||
| So the guy with the crazy mustache, that's the biker, right? | ||
| He's straight, believe it or not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| How's that possible? | ||
| Hanging out with too many gay guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I ain't got nobody! | |
| Hey! | ||
| Nobody! | ||
| Nobody can call me That's hilarious. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| The Indian is gay as fuck, though. | ||
| See him looking up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Look at that cowboy. | ||
| You can't tell me that cowboy's straight. | ||
| I'll tell you that right now. | ||
| You can't even dance like that until you've had three or four dicks in your ass. | ||
| It's not possible to move that way. | ||
| There's a looseness in his hips. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| The biker's straight as fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The biker's like, I am surrounded. | ||
| They're going to pounce on me. | ||
| I'm just going to be so gay that they don't even want a part of me. | ||
| That's what he's doing. | ||
| It's like manhaling. | ||
| Yeah, that mustache, that guy with the mustache, you would assume he would have to be gay. | ||
| Oh, totally. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| That's, wait, no way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the biker. | |
| He's straight. | ||
| No, he was in the closet. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's what he was doing. | |
| He was totally in denial. | ||
| Like, I don't know what you're talking about, man. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking just a job, bro. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm just playing a biker. | ||
| Even if he's not gay, his mustache is. | ||
| Like, that mustache jumps off his face in the middle of the night and goes and bangs dudes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Just comes back in the morning smelling like liquor and butt. | ||
| Buttholes. | ||
| Buttholes and Bacardi. | ||
| Village people are great. | ||
| It's the only gig I can get, bro. | ||
| Can you imagine how insulted the Indians like the Indians were after her? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Our representatives are quite pathetic now. | |
| The Cherokee Nation. | ||
| Voices is disproval. | ||
| Oh, that was an Apache. | ||
| Don't worry about it, bro. | ||
| Those were the enemy anyway. | ||
| You know the Indians? | ||
| Like, they didn't all like each other. | ||
| Did you guys know that? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| They fought. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| The idea that the white man came and there's a peaceful land. | ||
| They came, the white man, and killed everyone. | ||
| You guys were kind of killing each other too. | ||
| The Lakota, like Sioux, the Sioux Indian, the term Sioux, doesn't mean that's their name. | ||
| That means enemy. | ||
| That's what it means. | ||
| They call themselves the Lakota people, but the word Sioux is enemy. | ||
| So these other native tribes call them enemy. | ||
| Obviously, the Americans, the white people, Europeans, did a way better job of killing people and were way more fucked up about it and were way more evil about it and had guns and a lot of the shit. | ||
| But... | ||
| They didn't like each other either. | ||
| That's just people, man. | ||
| You're never going to find, like, this idea of you find this one peaceful utopia where everyone got along, they were one with nature. | ||
| And they did a lot of raping and killing, too. | ||
| They fucking cut people up. | ||
| They did a lot of evil shit. | ||
| They ate people. | ||
| So stop. | ||
| There's no, like, one race that you can go back and go, those fuckers had it nailed. | ||
| Those guys were super cool to each other. | ||
| They had a balanced civilization. | ||
| There was no murder, no rape, no theft. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| It's never existed. | ||
| Yeah, definitely not. | ||
| We're a work in progress, ladies and gentlemen, and shit takes time. | ||
| The universe has been here four-something billion years. | ||
| How many billions? | ||
| Fourteen billion? | ||
| Something like that? | ||
| This planet's been here four and a half billion? | ||
| 4.6? | ||
| Something like that? | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| A long-ass time, okay? | ||
| We've been here for a million years, if that. | ||
| It takes time. | ||
| We've got to figure it out. | ||
| So no culture's ever had it right. | ||
| The idea that we should have left the American Indians alone, yeah, great idea. | ||
| Fucking terrific. | ||
| And then what? | ||
| And then what? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They're all the village people? | ||
| It's just a bunch of Indians? | ||
| Come on, we needed to get some Americans in there. | ||
| Yeah, not only that, I'm not arguing for genocide, but that's what happens when people go and they look at history. | ||
| They look at the positive benefits of things that have happened that were really ugly. | ||
| People talk about the Mongols. | ||
| They talk about how the Mongols, they improved trade routes. | ||
| They killed millions of people, too, though. | ||
| I mean, they improved trade routes by butchering entire cities of people. | ||
| Yeah, things definitely started moving. | ||
| More freely. | ||
| But people like to look at the positive benefits of things like that, where horrible genocide took place. | ||
| So if you looked at, like, Americans, establishing American, Europeans coming over and establishing American, killing all these Native Americans, some people, if they looked at it that way, would say, well, if it wasn't for that, we would never have Atlanta. | ||
| We would never have Miami. | ||
| We would never have these wonderful cities that we'd enjoy today. | ||
| So in the long run, it worked out. | ||
| And the Indians, they have their casinos. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| They make a lot of money. | ||
| it's a pretty fucked up history when you think about the history of the United States only a few hundred years ago there was these other folks that lived here like only a few hundred years ago and as many as like a million there was a lot of them at one point in time there was a lot of fucking people living in this country like the idea that this place wasn't populated right there were a lot of them they killed a lot of fucking people yeah they killed them in the creepiest ways too They put smallpox in their blankets. | ||
| Was it smallpox they put in their blankets and gave to these people? | ||
| They put like blankets, they had scabs in the blankets of people that had diseases and they would put it in the blankets and give them to the American Indians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oof. | |
| Yikes. | ||
| Spreading these evil terminal diseases. | ||
| Sounds like our buddy Josh Martin's bed. | ||
| Our friend just moved into a place and his first night there. | ||
| Yeah, he got screwed over by these two guys that had a bedroom for rent and he gave them the deposit in the first month's rent and slept there for one night and everything he owned since he moved it all into his new bedroom got infested by bedbugs. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they're like really hard to get rid of. | ||
| You need to seal everything and wash it all at 110 degrees for an hour at least. | ||
| You have to do all this stuff with everything. | ||
| His mattress is now garbage and he's like a very struggling young comic. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| So they knew about it before they rented him the place? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So he's going to try to... | ||
| This is somebody that just came off of living in his car for a whole year. | ||
| In the last two months, he was living in his car after it had been peed on by another comic. | ||
| Right. | ||
| This poor guy is just not getting any luck. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| Bed bugs are supposedly all throughout New York City. | ||
| It's a real issue with bed bugs. | ||
| Yeah, because this happened to him over the weekend, I ended up reading about it yesterday, and it's really crazy. | ||
| They were almost extinct. | ||
| Completely. | ||
| And then in 95 or something like that, for no apparent reason, there was an explosion of bedbugs. | ||
| I remember it just being, I thought, I used to think they weren't even real. | ||
| I used to think it was just a thing that my mom said to me before bed, like, have a good night, don't let the bed bugs bite, like that whole thing. | ||
| No, they're real, dude. | ||
| When I was in high school, my dog had fleas, and she got the fleas in my carpet, and I couldn't get them out, man. | ||
| I could not get them out. | ||
| Like, when I would go from my bedroom, like from my carpet to my bed, I would get bugs on me, and I'd have to take them off. | ||
| Yeah, I had that happen once. | ||
| That was the scariest, one of the worst times of my life. | ||
| It drove me crazy. | ||
| You feel like they're on you all the time. | ||
| And I was a fucking lazy kid, too. | ||
| I wasn't going to clean my room. | ||
| I wasn't going to vacuum. | ||
| I just wasn't going to get it done. | ||
| They jump right on your ankles. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| It bit the shit out of me, dude. | ||
| I used to have little scabs on my ankles. | ||
| So I eventually had to pull everything out of my room and then foam it down. | ||
| We had to get this machine... | ||
| You know, those machines that they hire people to come by and, you know, you could rent them at like Home Depot and shit or wherever it was. | ||
| I bought one of those. | ||
| Did you buy one of those? | ||
| Yeah, if you ever need it. | ||
| Well, I think carpets are gross, man. | ||
| I would rather have a wood floor that you can clean up real easy. | ||
| You can't really clean carpets that good. | ||
| It's like clothes that you never change. | ||
| I couldn't agree with you more. | ||
| I hate carpet. | ||
| If it was up to me, it would just be, if you have hardwood, maybe like a little rug. | ||
| And then when something spills on the rug, get a new rug. | ||
| Yeah, roll that bitch up and light it on fire. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Yeah, I think that's like a thing that people thought was like a luxury in the 80s or the 70s or whatever the fuck it was. | ||
| Ooh, carpet. | ||
| And they realized, this is like a sweater that people walk on. | ||
| Right, it's like a giant... | ||
| Towel. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| It's essentially just like a towel. | ||
| Towels have those little things that stick out of them. | ||
| Ooh, you mean plush? | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| The fancier it is, the more it entraps bacteria and everything. | ||
| You know what I don't like? | ||
| I don't like towels that are synthetic because you could feel it when they're wet. | ||
| When you're wet and you rub one of those plush synthetic towels and it almost doesn't absorb the water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| It wipes the water on you a little bit. | ||
| The worst. | ||
| It absorbs some of it, but you could feel the difference. | ||
| Or if you get a real legit cotton towel, you feel it dry you off. | ||
| You feel it take the water off. | ||
| Those slippery ones make me feel like I'm ruining the environment. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I'd throw those out. | ||
| This thing would probably melt. | ||
| It wouldn't even light on fire. | ||
| It would melt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I saw you at E3, or I heard your voice on E3 when they announced the new UFC, and they played some of it, and I guess Bruce Lee is now in it, so you can fight Bruce Lee versus, like, GSP. Dude, have you seen it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| The graphics are insane. | ||
| They're insane. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| They're so close now. | ||
| They're getting so close to, like, making it look like a real movie. | ||
| Like, making it look like a real fight in HD. Mm-hmm. | ||
| And you're on commentary on that? | ||
| Yeah, I did hours. | ||
| I was just going to ask, so you have to say everything, because you have to get every possible thing out. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I'm not complaining, but I am, kind of. | ||
| But it wasn't a difficult thing to do. | ||
| It just takes a long time. | ||
| It's actually fun. | ||
| I would just pretend I was watching fights. | ||
| When I was doing it, I would just think about moments that things happened. | ||
| Moments like guys landed kicks or punches or takedowns or someone catching a choke and I would just remember like historic fight moments and just sort of try to recapture that. | ||
| Try to pretend that that's happening while I was screaming at him. | ||
| So if you watch, if you play the video, it's very close to the way I would do commentary to real fire. | ||
| I love Bruce Buffer. | ||
| This is actual gameplay. | ||
| Bruce is the best. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's gameplay. | ||
| No one has ever been better than Bruce Buffer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally. | |
| Look how good the fucking graphics are. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| I didn't realize this was a game until you just said that. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Dude, look at the fucking shadows and the way this... | ||
| It's so much better than it used to be. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| That looks exactly like Ronda Rousey. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| And look at the movement. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The movement's really good now. | |
| I've heard the ground game controls are a lot easier now to get into jiu-jitsu moves and stuff like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is crazy shit. | |
| It looks so good. | ||
| That's a good guillotine. | ||
| I mean, it looks real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they've really been spending a lot of time on this one. | |
| But I'll tell you what, people take a lot more head kicks in this game than they do in real life. | ||
| It only takes a couple of those jammies in real life to shut the lights out. | ||
| This is wild. | ||
| Is it weird to see all your friends digitized in video game forms? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, the Bruce Lee thing is amazing. | |
| Look at Bruce Lee. | ||
| Wow, he's ripped. | ||
| Is he wearing the yellow-black? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You said that about as gay as possible. | |
| He's ripped. | ||
| You can talk like that when it's about Bruce Lee. | ||
| You're allowed to. | ||
| Isn't that funny? | ||
| Ripped is a thing that people want. | ||
| They want ripped. | ||
| They want to see a six-pack. | ||
| You know what, the best fighter possibly ever was Fedor Emelianenko, and he was fat as fuck. | ||
| He walked around like a belly. | ||
| He had a little roll. | ||
| He jiggles around the middle a little bit. | ||
| Didn't give a fuck. | ||
| Just go in there and fuck guys up. | ||
| Anderson Silva was never that ripped either. | ||
| He was more smooth. | ||
| He was obviously muscular and very strong, but he wasn't like Bruce Lee. | ||
| Shredded. | ||
| There's a few guys that are like that. | ||
| Fucking shredded. | ||
| Bruce Lee's a bad man. | ||
| Bruce Lee was like legitimately one of the first guys to figure out that there were certain aspects of all the martial arts that were effective. | ||
| And the best way to do it was to combine them all. | ||
| Before Bruce Lee, nobody combined shit. | ||
| That was like a thing that you would have pride in. | ||
| You know, I have studied Shotokan. | ||
| I will continue to be a Shotokan man to the day I die. | ||
| I am a Wing Chun man. | ||
| People would represent their style like an old kung fu movie. | ||
| They thought that there was only one style that was the correct style. | ||
| My master learned from the great masters and he came down from Korea and taught me this style. | ||
| Bruce Lee was like, that's nonsense. | ||
| Bruce Lee was the guy who invented MMA, really. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| You fart? | ||
| Covering your own mouth? | ||
| Oh no, I was blowing my vapor into my shirt. | ||
| You can't even go an hour without getting a fix. | ||
| Are you back on the vape pen today? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did you get off the cigarettes? | ||
| No, I still smoke cigarettes sometimes. | ||
| It's bad. | ||
| Tony H, what happened? | ||
| I'm a bad man. | ||
| What was the stressful event that caused you to go back to the cigarettes? | ||
| Work stuff. | ||
| I didn't get something that I was working for a couple months for really, really hard. | ||
| I mean, I'm going to get back to... | ||
| I've got to get off of everything. | ||
| In the long run, it did you good. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| You shouldn't be on shows, dude. | ||
| You should just get funny just from your stand-up. | ||
| I mean, get famous just from your stand-up. | ||
| Get funny just from your stand-up. | ||
| Get famous just from your stand-up. | ||
| The reason why I say this is because no one is ever going to be able to capture what you do best any place other than on stage. | ||
| You know, when you're on stage, that's you. | ||
| You're 100% in control of the content, the way it's set up, delivered, and it's hilarious. | ||
| Like, you can't do that if you're doing a TV show. | ||
| You're going to do it with a bunch of people. | ||
| They're going to have some fucking wacky ideas about what Tony H. should wear, and Tony, we got just a little bit of makeup, just a slight base. | ||
| Like, okay, okay. | ||
| And next thing you know... | ||
| Yeah, it was a little bit bigger than that, the draining thing. | ||
| It was something that was so funny. | ||
| Yeah, I know what it was. | ||
| You worked on it for a long time. | ||
| Yeah, it was a really tough loss. | ||
| If you're going to do a show, I really think it should be your own show. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Figure out how to do your own thing. | ||
| You're doing somebody else's thing. | ||
| I think that's, for a comic, that's one of the hardest things to realize. | ||
| It takes a long time to realize, but you're better off doing your own thing than you are, like, if you get stuck on some show, like when I was on Fear Factor, it was a great benefit financially, it was really good, but when you're doing someone else's thing, it's not, it's like a job. | ||
| It becomes something that you think about, like, okay, now I'm going to work. | ||
| Not complaining, it was a great job. | ||
| But there's a huge difference between that and, like, doing a podcast or that and doing stand-up, especially doing stand-up. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's the freest one. | ||
| You're completely in control of how you do it, completely in control of what you write, you experiment, you come up with your own stuff, and you're not wasting any time doing anybody else's thing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I mean, I wasn't going to slow down on my stand-up or the me thing, but I really wanted that. | ||
| I really wanted something. | ||
| I'm sure you did. | ||
| I know you did. | ||
| I mean, that's a good thing that you never stop with your stand-up. | ||
| Some guys do, right? | ||
| They get a job writing and they stop performing. | ||
| That's what's crazy. | ||
| That was one of the things when I got into the writer's room for the first time. | ||
| I was amazed at how funny... | ||
| A lot of the guys were, and that they used to do stand-up, and that once they started the writing job, that they stopped. | ||
| Because I hang out with comedians all the time, almost every night. | ||
| So when I was in the room, I know what's funny, and I know who's funny. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| So it's amazing to me. | ||
| It was scary. | ||
| One guy, one of the funniest people I've ever met, used to do stand-up, and he doesn't. | ||
| But every time this guy opens his mouth, it's about to be an explosion. | ||
| I mean, he has an Emmy for writing, but he's the king of roast writing. | ||
| Like, he's just an insult guru. | ||
| So if you go, hey, what about Babidi-Bab, you know, Jimi Hendrix, or whatever, and ten seconds later, he'll have a gem that you can't not almost fall on the ground at. | ||
| But yeah, I never did. | ||
| The entire time my first few years writing, writing gigs, even during the season, if it got late in the office, eight, nine, ten, I'd Hey guys, I gotta go do my spot. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Yeah, good for you. | ||
| I'd also churn it out so much during the day that they couldn't be like... | ||
| I didn't give them an option. | ||
| I would work hard all day, but I never... | ||
| If I did that, if I missed a spot or something for a writing gig, that would start an entire whole other crazy meltdown and breakdown because I just can't not do stand-up. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Well, you're always getting better, too. | ||
| I'll see you three months later, you're better. | ||
| Three months later, you'll be better than you were three months ago, almost every time. | ||
| That means you're constantly trying to refine and hone, and that's when it becomes a real obsession. | ||
| When you're folding over your jokes and hammering them down, trying to get them to... | ||
| You've got to do a lot of sets to do that. | ||
| And if you have another gig that starts preventing you from doing that, it can become a real problem. | ||
| You could just go, oh, you know what? | ||
| I've got this. | ||
| I'm just going to kick back, stop doing stand-up for a while. | ||
| I'm going to just take a few months off and just... | ||
| Maybe I'll just... | ||
| I mean, I'm not happy with my act right now. | ||
| You come up with excuses and reasons. | ||
| And next thing you know, you've got some sort of a job. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You're showing up at an office every day and you're... | ||
| I mean, you're writing. | ||
| Yeah, it's great. | ||
| But it's not as fun as stand-up. | ||
| It can't be. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But for some dudes, the stress of the performance is not worth... | ||
| It's like... | ||
| It's not worth the effort. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| What's that expression? | ||
| Um... | ||
| The juice. | ||
| Like, is it worth the juice to squeeze these berries? | ||
| You know, is it worth the effort? | ||
| Is it worth it? | ||
| All the stress that you go through to get on stage and crack out a joke. | ||
| I'd rather just write for someone else and have them deal with it. | ||
| Yeah, that's not stress at all. | ||
| I love churning those berries, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Right, but that's just you, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, for some guys, it really is better for them to just be a writer. | ||
| It's like, their performance life is just too fucked up. | ||
| It's too hard for them. | ||
| I guess so. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think there's a lot of guys like that, man. | ||
| Maybe they just couldn't get the spots, didn't meet the right people at the right time or something. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Maybe they weren't that funny of a performer. | ||
| That is the one thing. | ||
| I don't know what those writers who I say are hilarious, what their stand-up's like. | ||
| They've been in writer rooms for so long that they know how to be funny at a table. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| When a topic comes up. | ||
| Do you encourage people that you meet that are really funny to try to do stand-up? | ||
| No. | ||
| Never? | ||
| Never. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Never. | ||
| They gotta wanna do it. | ||
| That's one of those things where if you don't want it so bad that you... | ||
| That you're crazy about it, then you're not going to do anything anyway. | ||
| You never planted that seed, though? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You never said to anybody, you should probably do stand-up? | |
| My whole podcast is pretty much based on helping people that want to do stand-up get better, or grow, or give them something in any way, shape, or form, or bring them down a peg if they're crazy. | ||
| But... | ||
| No, I'm not into helping... | ||
| I'm not into... | ||
| Telling somebody that they should do something that's as extreme as stand-up. | ||
| If they haven't gone to an open mic and tried it, then I can't say. | ||
| You know why I say I do it? | ||
| Is because I think there's certain people out there that really are funny and just need to hear a voice of encouragement. | ||
| It could go a long way. | ||
| I met dudes that... | ||
| I used to work for a guy who was a private investigator. | ||
| One of the funniest guys I've ever met in my life. | ||
| His name is Dave Dolan. | ||
| The guy easily could have been a stand-up. | ||
| He was a private investigator, and he was really good at reading people. | ||
| So he knew what a person's weakness was. | ||
| He would talk to you for a couple seconds, just figure out what your thing was, and he would play dumb. | ||
| He'd be like this dumb Boston guy, like, hey, you know, I was down here with a friend of mine, and we were looking for this guy that hit our car and took off. | ||
| And he would read off a license plate number. | ||
| It was very similar to their license plate number. | ||
| And that was how he got information out of people. | ||
| He would just tell them about an accident they weren't involved in, and then he would start talking to them. | ||
| And they would start giving him information about all kinds of shit. | ||
| About working while they're on unemployment. | ||
| Oh, I'm using my maiden name. | ||
| I have a job. | ||
| We caught people doing shit like that all the time. | ||
| But the guy was hilarious. | ||
| He would get in the car after he had done that, and we would work together as a team. | ||
| And he would be laughing his dick off and just saying all kinds of fucking crazy shit. | ||
| And he was just one of those guys that was just naturally funny. | ||
| And I told him, I was like, look, man, you're funnier than me, and I'm doing stand-up. | ||
| You should really do stand-up. | ||
| And he's like, look kid, I gotta pay the bills. | ||
| Okay, this is what I do. | ||
| I bust assholes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And he just had this sort of way about him. | ||
| Just knew how to just say the right thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like a craft that some guys have where they know when to say the right thing. | ||
| Like Diaz. | ||
| Perfect example. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When Eddie Bravo fought Hoyle Gracie, we called Joey Diaz. | ||
| We had him on speakerphone. | ||
| And the first thing he said is, Vogel the Child, the flags are at half-mast! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! | |
| He just knows when to say the right shit. | ||
| If Joey Diaz, if somebody... | ||
| I guess he probably decided to do it himself. | ||
| But if nobody had ever talked Joey Diaz into doing stand-up, that would have been a national tragedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know a lot of what Joey did was in prison? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| He would make prisoners laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's where he got good at it. | ||
| They would show a movie if the movie sucked. | ||
| They'd go, get up there, Coco. | ||
| Get up there, Coco. | ||
| And Joey would get up on stage and make everybody laugh. | ||
| Isn't that nuts? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| When they tell the Joey Diaz life story, and I think somebody will do it, somebody's going to fuck it up. | ||
| Probably Jonah Hill or something like that. | ||
| Some guy's not even Cuban. | ||
| It'll be Adam Sandler with a fat suit. | ||
| Adam is a big fan and really wants your trust in this project. | ||
| He really thinks that he could do it. | ||
| It'd be like when people were outraged that Tom Cruise was going to play Lestat in Interview with the Vampire. | ||
| Crazy online petition against Tom Cruise playing Lestat, everybody's freaking the fuck out. | ||
| That's what it'd be like if Jonah Hill was going to play Joey Diaz. | ||
| It'd be like, he's not even camping. | ||
| Hey, how are you cocksuckers? | ||
| And there would be someone from like some Latino association who would get on TV and say, you know, this is another theft from the Latino community. | ||
| Someone is coming in and a non-Latino is playing a Latino on TV in a movie about a Latino star. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's the best. | |
| I saw Sebastian the other day at the Ice House. | ||
| Sold out the whole weekend. | ||
| I didn't know so many people knew who Sebastian was. | ||
| Oh, yeah, man. | ||
| That he was that big, but people were telling me, oh, dude, he's huge. | ||
| Sebastian's doing great. | ||
| He had a Showtime special. | ||
| We talked about a Showtime special on the podcast. | ||
| I watched it in my hotel room. | ||
| I was just flipping through the channels, and I caught it. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| He's fucking good. | ||
| He's doing really well. | ||
| He'd always done well in certain spots, like where people got to know him. | ||
| He developed a following in Dallas years back. | ||
| He did really well at that Addison Improv. | ||
| Ridiculous. | ||
| That's a great spot. | ||
| That Addison Improv. | ||
| That's a great spot. | ||
| There's some wild people. | ||
| There's still a lot of smoke indoors, I think. | ||
| We'd do a late show and people would be smoking. | ||
| I would go, this is crazy. | ||
| You guys can smoke inside? | ||
| And it wasn't like one of those Vegas showrooms. | ||
| You can smoke in Vegas, but if you go to any place in Vegas, they have those fucking industrial room cleansing machines that are just sucking cigarette smoke out. | ||
| You walk through the casino, you don't even realize that all those people are smoking. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, how often do you walk through the casino? | ||
| I mean, if it's right on top of you, you smell it and it's kind of gross, but for the most part, you're surrounded by people smoking cigarettes. | ||
| You can barely tell. | ||
| They're just sucking out that air and cleaning it up and giving you some fresh ambition air. | ||
| Some blackjack hair. | ||
| That's how I got back on the smokes. | ||
| We were in Vegas just a couple weeks ago, and you see these people smoking in the casino. | ||
| It was just weird. | ||
| I wasn't really planning on smoking, but we got there, and you just see these people smoking, but you don't smell it. | ||
| But it's indoors, so it seems clean again. | ||
| The trickery worked. | ||
| On my brain, next thing you know, when we met, after we checked into our hotel rooms, I had a pack of cigarettes for the first time in six months. | ||
| Let's find that out. | ||
| How do casinos kill the smell of cigarettes? | ||
| Because they must do something. | ||
| We stayed at the Golden Nugget, and we got into the smoking room there, and the room smelled like the most cigarette that I've ever smoked. | ||
| The Golden Nugget's like the staple of Vegas. | ||
| It's just hundreds of years of cigarettes. | ||
| Sinatra's smoking there. | ||
| Well, you know, they say there's third-hand smoke. | ||
| Do you ever hear about third-hand smoke? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They think that you go into a place like that, that has been cigarette smoke, people have been smoking in there for years and years and years, it's actually in the walls itself. | ||
| Like, you're actually breathing in carcinogens when you're in that building. | ||
| Especially if anything catches fire or gets wet or has some sort of a chemical reaction to things that are in the room. | ||
| Household cleaners and shit like that. | ||
| It seems like something that you would have said like three years ago, yeah, if you get cancer from third-hand smoke, you're a fat. | ||
| You're a pussy. | ||
| Well, I'm not saying that it's anything you should worry about at a casino, staying in a room for a night, but it's not good for you, that's for sure. | ||
| If they find out that's true, or if it gives you autism from smoke, like third-hand smoke, because it seems like it would. | ||
| If you go to that Golden Nugget that we were at, that shit was disturbingly cigarette-y. | ||
| So that place did have like old school filters? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Old school. | |
| I mean, the rooms felt like you were in an ashtray. | ||
| Yeah, there's a thing called Air Fantastic. | ||
| And they have a solution for these kind of things. | ||
| It can reduce 99% of airborne particles, particulates, dust, pollen. | ||
| Machines, this is kind of interesting. | ||
| So I guess it just sucks all the air out of the room and cleans it while you're in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh. | |
| That's pretty impressive. | ||
| 99% of airborne particulates. | ||
| Jay-Z! Just like a study from West Texas A&M. Huh. | ||
| Particulates in cigarette smoke are positively charged, which keeps them airborne. | ||
| The ions produced are negatively charged, and so the particles are neutralized and fall to the ground. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| So, this shit does something to the very air around you that causes the particles from cigarettes to fall so they don't stay in the air and linger. | ||
| Like, that's what's going on. | ||
| What the fuck is that about? | ||
| That's weird, man. | ||
| The crystal clear experiment was proven at Austin's Yellow Rose Gentleman's Club in 2003, which installed eight of our 14-inch probes. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| That's their first fucking customer. | ||
| Finally, we got one, boys. | ||
| The titty bar is taking us in. | ||
| We're going to revolutionize this game. | ||
| The bar would be packed with many smokers, and the air was crystal clear. | ||
| And one could not even see... | ||
| On Particle? | ||
| They should say one particle, but it says on particle. | ||
| You fucking no spell check, motherfuckers. | ||
| Read your own shit. | ||
| How come someone has a website that you don't even read your own shit? | ||
| That makes me wonder if the product is... | ||
| They could not see one particle, you fucks, in the bright spot. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Alright, well that's just one company that sells something. | ||
| But obviously there's something like that. | ||
| So they have some way to remove this stuff. | ||
| There's more than one company. | ||
| There's another called Air Aroma, Air Zone. | ||
| So I guess they do something. | ||
| Huh. | ||
| I wonder if that's bad for you though. | ||
| Whatever the fuck they're doing to the air. | ||
| It seems like it would be. | ||
| That doesn't seem like it's good, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck that is. | ||
| They gotta do something. | ||
| If it's to the air. | ||
| How old do you have to be to smoke? | ||
| 18. That's it? | ||
| And New York just passed 21, which is super smart. | ||
| Yeah, it should be fucking 21. But you're not going to stop them. | ||
| You're not going to stop people. | ||
| I think if you want to figure out a way to keep people from smoking cigarettes, you're going to have to find some sort of a pill that allows them to quit really easily. | ||
| It just kills the addiction, no withdrawal symptoms. | ||
| Because otherwise, the majority of people love pleasure and they hate discomfort so much that the idea of being without a cigarette and having a pang and a craving is too much and they just cave in. | ||
| It's amazing that Nabisco is down with that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The people that sell us those fine cookies and crackers, they also sell cigarettes. | ||
| I mean, how greedy do you have to be, folks? | ||
| How much money are you making from your crackers? | ||
| So much money. | ||
| Enough cookie money? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why do you have to sell cigarettes? | ||
| It's all that stuff. | ||
| You know those little sticks with the little cheese? | ||
| What are those? | ||
| Handy snacks? | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Those are yummy when you're four. | ||
| Those little white sticks with the cheese? | ||
| Same people. | ||
| How weird. | ||
| Kraft is a Nabisco company, so all that cheese. | ||
| Oreos? | ||
| Oreo's a big one. | ||
| How weird is it that in this day and age, with all the information that we have now, we don't hold someone accountable for something like that? | ||
| We don't say, why are you selling that? | ||
| I mean, well, people have the right to choose what they want to do. | ||
| And a lot of Americans enjoy a cigarette. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| The scariest to me, honestly, is really McDonald's. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because everybody's so taught that It's McDonald's. | ||
| It's America. | ||
| This is good. | ||
| You can have this. | ||
| This is fine. | ||
| It's just Coca-Cola, fries, whatever this burger is made out of. | ||
| Yeah, but that doesn't make you... | ||
| Well, I guess it does give you a certain amount of addiction, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It teaches you to eat whatever. | ||
| Preservatives are fine. | ||
| It teaches you to eat garbage. | ||
| If it tastes good, that's all that matters. | ||
| I'm loving it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But is it doing that or is it just giving you that as an option too? | ||
| Like why is that any different than a donut shop? | ||
| I like donuts. | ||
| I don't eat them all the time, but I like the fact that there's a donut shop where if I pull into Dunkin' Donuts and I say, oh, I have a cup of coffee and a Boston Cream donut, please. | ||
| I get excited and I'll have about 15-20 seconds of mouth pleasure and then a few hours of regret. | ||
| But I like that that's available. | ||
| Isn't that McDonald's? | ||
| I think a donut's a special treat. | ||
| I think you get a donut that's like, I'm going to pick out my donut. | ||
| This was baked today. | ||
| McDonald's is like, that's really the commercials between everything. | ||
| It's sort of like... | ||
| Hey, they're the number one toy producer in the country. | ||
| McDonald's. | ||
| All those Happy Meals. | ||
| Because we're teaching kids, hey, eat this. | ||
| It doesn't matter what this burger is actually made out of. | ||
| You know San Francisco? | ||
| Outlawed toys and Happy Meals? | ||
| That's smart. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| Yeah, I'm telling you, man. | ||
| You can't just eat whatever you want. | ||
| Yeah, but you can sometimes. | ||
| It's going to make you depressed. | ||
| It's going to make you angry. | ||
| You're going to wonder why you feel crappy. | ||
| I mean, at least that's how it was with me. | ||
| That's why I had to get off that stuff. | ||
| McDonald's? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had it last night. | ||
| I had a quarter pounder. | ||
| It was delicious. | ||
| Yeah, we know it tastes good. | ||
| That's part of the problem. | ||
| The fries. | ||
| Yeah, but nowadays, they're getting sued by so many people that the oils they cook it in now are a lot healthier than they used to be. | ||
| And the quarter pounder... | ||
| That's what you just said. | ||
| The kerosene that they cook their burgers in is a lot... | ||
| Any food you make is going to have oils in it. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, because a lot of people, when they steam their celery, they're always worried about that goddamn oil that comes with it. | ||
| Welcome to Greenlee. | ||
| When I eat my salad, I know there's going to be oil. | ||
| I just accept it. | ||
| I mean, when I eat anything that needs oil, like fries or something like that. | ||
| Well, if you cook fries, you can cook them in duck fat. | ||
| Remember that one place in Vegas? | ||
| We go to Kraft Steak. | ||
| Goddamn, son. | ||
| They bring over these duck fat fries. | ||
| Good, googly, moogly are they good. | ||
| They bring them over with three different types of dipping sauce. | ||
| But it's the duck fat. | ||
| That's what does it. | ||
| Those fries, those McDonald's fries, that shit's whack. | ||
| It's so delicious, though. | ||
| They have the best fries. | ||
| McDonald's? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're crazy. | ||
| In-N-Out Burry's McDonald's. | ||
| Oh, In-N-Out? | ||
| It's like cardboard. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's like a real potato, you fuck. | ||
| They actually taste like a potato. | ||
| In-N-Out is fucking fantastic. | ||
| Hell, it's good. | ||
| I don't think they beat McDonald's Fries. | ||
| You know what's better than both of them? | ||
| Better than both of them. | ||
| Five Guys Fries. | ||
| Burries them in the fucking ground. | ||
| How dare you nod your head side to side, Jamie. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| You son of a bitch. | ||
| Trust me. | ||
| Five Guys Fries fucks everybody up. | ||
| Plus they have a Cajun version. | ||
| You can get Cajun fries. | ||
| Oh, what did I say? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| They give it to you in a fucking, like one of those movie podcasts. | ||
| Those movie barrels where they give you popcorn? | ||
| That's what they give you your fries. | ||
| You're never going to eat all your fries at Five Guys. | ||
| Good fucking luck. | ||
| Cajun seasoning is the best. | ||
| I mean, that just makes anything better. | ||
| All fries are good fries with Cajun. | ||
| But Five Guys does have great fries. | ||
| I usually don't fuck with Cajun spices on steak. | ||
| I usually like steak, you know, like pepper and salt and that's it. | ||
| But I had a Cajun ribeye at that place we went to the other day. | ||
| Ooh, lordy! | ||
| Oh, it was perfect. | ||
| Not too overpowering, just the right amount of spice. | ||
| Oh, yummy, yummy. | ||
| That picture you posted the other day, that looks amazing. | ||
| Of what? | ||
| That delicious steak you were eating, or meat. | ||
| Oh, which one was it? | ||
| Oh, the bear? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that was not the one I shot. | ||
| That was one that someone in camp shot. | ||
| It was the first time I ever... | ||
| Well, I had bear sausage before that I liked, but I'd never had a bear steak right off the bear. | ||
| What's it taste like? | ||
| It tastes delicious. | ||
| Is it very gamey? | ||
| It tastes like a pig fucked a deer, and you had to cook it well done. | ||
| That sounds good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, the problem with bear is the same problem with pork, and it's that they eat animals. | ||
| And when they eat animals, you have to worry about them having trichinosis, because trichinosis comes from eating an animal that has trichinosis. | ||
| So, like, they say 90% of all the cases of trichinosis, according to my friend Steve Rinella, 90% occur in the United States from people eating bears. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the 90% of our cases of trichinosis. | ||
| Think about how few people in the United States eat bears, but that's 90% of the trichinosis cases. | ||
| It's because bears are... | ||
| They're predators. | ||
| I mean, they eat everything. | ||
| They eat berries, but they also eat animals. | ||
| They're responsible for, like, half of the moose population. | ||
| When you are in Alberta, where I was at, half the babies get eaten by bears. | ||
| Weren't you scared eating that? | ||
| Like, turning trick? | ||
| Turning to a bear? | ||
| No, you have to cook it to 150 degrees. | ||
| I think bear meat would probably be super delicious if you were able to cook it medium rare. | ||
| I would like to try it that way because it's good. | ||
| In comparison to beef or something like that, it has a more robust flavor. | ||
| And if you cook it thin and you have to cook it well done, it is very good. | ||
| But it's not as good as deer or elk Because deer elk, you eat like a medium rare, almost a rare, and it's delicious. | ||
| Like you sear, like a deer loin, you would take a slice of it, you'd put like some pepper and maybe some garlic salt on it, and you would sear it on one side and sear it on the other side, and it's fantastic. | ||
| You know, you don't really have to cook it that much because they don't have the same type of parasites that pigs do. | ||
| So when you have pig, you always have to, like that smoked pig was amazing, that ham that I made. | ||
| But you have to cook that for a long time. | ||
| It's got to be cooked all the way through and it really breaks it down and it becomes delicious. | ||
| But it has to hit 150 degrees. | ||
| If it doesn't hit 150 degrees, the trichinosis, if it has it, and it may not, but if it does have it, you could get it. | ||
| So in that sense, pigs and bear are very similar. | ||
| I like them a lot, but I prefer deer and elk and animals that you could eat medium rare. | ||
| Have you ever done the duck shooting? | ||
| No. | ||
| It seems like you would love that, because that seems like target practice, like quake. | ||
| You're just like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The only problem that I have with that, and it's just a small moral problem, is that a lot of those ducks, you're just sort of clipping them. | ||
| Like, you're, like, tagging their wings with, like, pebbles. | ||
| You know, like, you're shooting shotgun pellets. | ||
| And if you ever watch those things, a lot of those ducks are, like, still flying after they get hit, and then they stumble, and they lose a lot of ducks that way. | ||
| Like, ducks just fly off. | ||
| Because it seems kind of... | ||
| Not specific. | ||
| Like you're shooting at them, boom, boom, but they spread out. | ||
| The pellets spread out. | ||
| And in a lot of ways, and this is not a criticism of duck hunting, I would totally do it. | ||
| But there's one thing that fucks with me, and that's that I think that a lot of them you're barely going to hit. | ||
| You're going to hit a wing or a foot, blow a foot off, and then they're still going to fly away. | ||
| You're going to shoot a lot of them and drop them out of the sky, but... | ||
| If you could shoot one duck at a time with a rifle, you could tune in on that duck, you got a crosshair on it, boom! | ||
| The duck's gone. | ||
| But when you're pumping lead into the air, you ever watch those duck shows? | ||
| Sometimes they get them dead on, but sometimes they catch them, they spiral, and they're fine. | ||
| They just fucked up. | ||
| Which happens with hunting, too. | ||
| It happens especially with archery hunting. | ||
| Archery hunting is super dangerous. | ||
| It's dangerous, obviously, for the animal. | ||
| It's super dangerous. | ||
| But it's dangerous that you could... | ||
| There's a danger, a great danger, I should say, that you can wound an animal and not fatally wound it. | ||
| So you have to fucking practice like crazy. | ||
| It's really difficult to shoot straight. | ||
| Like you think like a bow and arrow, today's bows and arrows are way easier than the bows and arrows of, you know, cowboy and Indian days or the Mongol days. | ||
| They're way better. | ||
| I mean, they have super high technology, have sights on them. | ||
| The arrows fly straighter. | ||
| They're like aluminum jacketed arrows. | ||
| The compound bows allow you to pull like a heavy weight and there's a let-off. | ||
| Like an 80-pound bow is like 80 pounds in the beginning, but then back here, it's only probably like 20% of that. | ||
| When you have it at full draw, you can hold on to it at full draw. | ||
| But it's hard to stay steady. | ||
| It's hard to keep that pin lined up on the animal. | ||
| Especially a bear, when they're coming out of hibernation, their lungs are only that big. | ||
| They're small. | ||
| They're like a small volleyball size. | ||
| Like one of those kids' volleyballs. | ||
| It's not like a big lung. | ||
| A deer has a big lung. | ||
| An elk has a big lung. | ||
| Because they're in the high mountains. | ||
| They're running around a lot of time. | ||
| They have a lot of... | ||
| But when these bears are coming out of hibernation, it's a very small area that you have to hit. | ||
| So it's not easy, man. | ||
| It takes a long fucking time to get to a point where you trust in your aim enough that you're willing to take a shot at an animal with a bow and arrow. | ||
| Serious shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know anything about that stuff. | ||
| When you said cowboys and Indians and bears, I just keep thinking how blown my mind is that the village people wrote the original. | ||
| I'm a gigolo. | ||
| Can you imagine how many Van Halen fans would get into an argument not believing that the Village people did that first? | ||
| And what sounded like a little bit of a catchier version, if you ask me. | ||
| I sort of like that poppy beat. | ||
| And to bring it around full circle, those guys were kind of bears. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| The barest one was the fucking motorcycle cop or the biker guy. | ||
| They shot their arrows into each other. | ||
| There's a lot of references. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Somebody said online that Just a Jiggle actually was written by somebody even before that. | ||
| I can't find it now. | ||
| I was like, who cares? | ||
| I believe that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| A lot of those songs are like old. | ||
| You know, it sucks when you find out that your favorite version of a song is like a remake, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Or that they ripped it off from somebody like, Bill Burr called me up once, and he's like, you're not even going to fucking believe this. | ||
| Go look up Led Zeppelin rips off. | ||
| He goes, just go look that up and listen to it. | ||
| And there's a compilation where they made a YouTube compilation of Led Zeppelin songs in comparison to the songs they ripped off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| Yeah, they're getting sued right now from that one guy, and that sounded exactly like it. | ||
| It's devastating. | ||
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| It's devastating. | ||
| I mean, I fucking love Zeppelin, dude. | ||
| I mean, and I can't take away... | ||
| It doesn't take away from my love of those creations, those songs, because the songs are still fucking incredible, but obviously... | ||
| Obviously, any song in a band is a collaboration. | ||
| And it appears to me that this was like an unwilling collaboration. | ||
| That's how I would put it. | ||
| It was someone else's art that they appropriated and made a part of their art and they created something amazing. | ||
| And that is essentially what plagiarism is. | ||
| If those guys had been a part of the team and they worked together, you know, and this guy like, you know, you need coolin', baby, I'm not foolin', I'm gonna send you back to schoolin', you know, and the guy writes all that down, he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I like it, I like it, I like it, let's go with it. | ||
| That would be fine. | ||
| But if you hear that somewhere else and then you just stick that in your song, it does make your song awesome, no doubt. | ||
| A whole lot of love. | ||
| It's one of my favorite songs of all time. | ||
| But that shit is almost directly ripped off from some old blues song. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, a lot of the lines are directly ripped off from an old blues song. | ||
| It's hard to listen to, man. | ||
| Yeah, if you just type in Led Zeppelin Plagiarism, TMZ. There's like one from 2010. There's one from 2014. There's just like a whole bunch of different songs and lawsuits that have almost all their songs are ripoffs. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| I wonder if that's gonna cost them all their money. | ||
| That would be fucking weird if all of a sudden Led Zeppin went broke. | ||
| Like all those guys were broke as fuck. | ||
| Robert Palmer starts going on the road. | ||
| He's doing cover songs because he owes all this money. | ||
| Do you want to hear one of the rip-offs that they did? | ||
| Yeah, fuck yeah. | ||
| This is, according to the lawsuit, for Dazed and Confused. | ||
| Dazed and Confused? | ||
| Oh, I love that goddamn song. | ||
| One of their big ones. | ||
| Here is the, I guess, the rip-off version. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Wait, that's the real version. | ||
| It's okay, play them both. | ||
| both playing together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm gazed and confused. | ||
|
unidentified
|
As it stays, it goes. | |
| If I'm being choosed, I'd just like to know. | ||
| Give me a clue as to where. | ||
| What's the name of that band? | ||
| Because Led Zeppelin owes them a hundred million dollars. | ||
| Jake Holmes. | ||
| This is not bad, though. | ||
| Play that a little bit more. | ||
| That's the only part I showed. | ||
| And here, you know, of course, the other one is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Been days that confused for someone to do. | |
| It's so crazy. | ||
| Wondering a woman never bargained for you. | ||
| Lots of people talking, few of them know. | ||
| Song of a woman was created below. | ||
| They're better. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| I'm going to do the Mexican woman in the crowd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But he did it better. | |
| But he did it better. | ||
| No. | ||
| You're just jealous because he did it better. | ||
| That's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yo, yo, yo. | |
| He did it better. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, for sure. | ||
| At the very least, they were influenced. | ||
| But goddamn, their lyrics were better. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The delivery was off the charts. | |
| That's a fancy studio, though. | ||
| I'd like to see that Jake guy in the same studio with the studio band. | ||
| Robert Plant was a motherfucker, son. | ||
| That is undeniable. | ||
| It was not just the studio. | ||
| It was the fucking output. | ||
| Just that guy's voice. | ||
| The output. | ||
| Who the fuck can hit those notes? | ||
| Who can even sing like that? | ||
| You know? | ||
| Who the fuck sings like that, man? | ||
| Play that shit again. | ||
| Play the Robert Plant version again. | ||
| Just play that part. | ||
| I'm way past that now. | ||
| You can do it, fella. | ||
| You can do it. | ||
| I know you know how to use the internet. | ||
| Yeah, I'm trying to find the new Stairway to Heaven one because it was way better. | ||
| Okay, but I just want to hear that real quick. | ||
| All right, all right. | ||
| It's going to be a bit... | ||
| Producer boy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Soul of a woman was created, baby. | |
| Damn, damn, baby. | ||
| That was a crazy time. | ||
| Talk to Joey Diaz about Led Zeppelin. | ||
| If Led Zeppelin was smart, they would hire Joey Diaz to narrate their life story. | ||
| To just do a documentary where Joey Diaz just explains Led Zeppelin. | ||
| Let me tell you something, brother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fucking dirty white guys from England, slinging dick on stage with fucking tights on. | |
| Tights on, Joe Rogan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's... | |
| Giant cock inches away from women's faces and they're fucking losing their minds. | ||
| They ain't never seen nothing like this before. | ||
| He talks to you about the invasion, like when Led Zeppelin first hit America. | ||
| I'm doing it no justice. | ||
| You have to hear him describe it, like what that song, the sound was like. | ||
| Nobody had a sound like that before. | ||
| This is this total new next level shit that has opened up the door to a lot of people's, changed a lot of people's idea what songs sounded like. | ||
| Stairway to Heaven. | ||
| I'm one of those guys. | ||
| I love Led Zeppelin, but I'm one of those guys that puts Pink Floyd ahead of them any day of the week. | ||
| That's interesting. | ||
| I could put up a strong case for Floyd. | ||
| I don't think you could. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because it's better for you. | ||
| But for me, Zeppelin's better than Pink Floyd. | ||
| But Pink Floyd's fucking amazing. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| This is the guy. | ||
| Look at the guy. | ||
| Above ground sound. | ||
| Of Jack Holmes. | ||
| Is Jack Holmes dead? | ||
| Because that would be super ironic. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Jake Holmes. | ||
| I mean, that's definitely the baseline. | ||
| No doubt. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is he sitting on his balls in this picture? | |
| That's pretty goddamn good, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like this guy. | |
| That's pretty goddamn good, dude. | ||
| I mean, it's different, but it's pretty damn good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah Let's see how he breaks it down Yeah Oh, he doesn't. | |
| Wow. | ||
| He comes early. | ||
| That's pretty goddamn good, dude. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Especially because that's the original. | ||
| So you gotta think, like, it's much easier to listen to someone and then add a bunch of shit to something that's sort of the foundation than to come up with the original idea. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| You know? | ||
| But that's the joke thief way. | ||
| That's what joke thieves do. | ||
| They take your premise and then they change it enough so that they can get away with it because they made it better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They just add more to the back end. | ||
| So let's hear the Robert Plant part. | ||
| Okay, hold on a second. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Yeah, I mean, that's almost like exactly. | ||
| Except for that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, those are the... | |
| In Jake's version, those are chords. | ||
| On this, he's scaling a guitar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
- Come on. | |
| It's beautiful. | ||
| I want to fuck him and I'm a guy. | ||
| But I'm telling you, these guys have such better access. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You would be in love. | |
| You would be in love. | ||
| If you were in the audience and you saw this, you'd be in love. | ||
| You'd be so enthralled. | ||
| Especially 1971 or whatever the fuck it was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's beautiful. | ||
| But it's a rip-off for sure. | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| Rip-fucking-off. | ||
| This one I thought was kind of messed up because this guy even toured, I guess, with Zeppelin. | ||
| That's the true Mencia. | ||
| That's the Ari Shafir opening. | ||
| It's called the Freddy Soto. | ||
| This is a group called Taurus in the song Spirit, and it's the one that they're saying is from Stairway to Heaven. | ||
| So here is Spirit first. | ||
| Look how weird they look. | ||
| See, these are the people that don't make it, the ones that look a little weird. | ||
| They wanted a pretty boy. | ||
| Yeah, that guy looks like in Rigo Montoya. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You killed my parents. | |
| You killed my father. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Prepare to die. | |
| In Ego. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Getting all dramatic. | ||
| Dude, don't hate on the man's art. | ||
| They're strange looking guys. | ||
| I sort of like it. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| He's got a funky mustache on one side and the other dude is bald-headed. | ||
| You couldn't be bald-headed in 1971 or whatever the fuck this was. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, God. | |
| Oh, God. | ||
| Oh Led Zeppelin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| And she's buying a stairway to heaven. | ||
| Please don't steal our song. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Where's this song though? | ||
| This is all music right now. | ||
| I'm pretty sure that this song doesn't... | ||
| Wait, does it not have lyrics? | ||
| I think this was a known lyric song. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Well, they got weird. | ||
| But it's their creation. | ||
| They took it to a weird place. | ||
| That is the spirit of the song. | ||
| Yeah, right there. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| That's the song. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that's where it's easy. | ||
| When you hear something like this and you just sort of create, and she's buying the stairway. | ||
| See, because, like, you feel how it bugs you, or how it hits you, rather, and then you add your creativity to it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| The writing, the... | ||
| Oh, God, that's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And the lyrics isn't the hardest part of a song. | ||
| The hardest part of a song is that part, is that backbone, that spinal cord of what's original, what's different. | ||
| I would have assumed that you're right, but I don't know jack shit about music. | ||
| How much do you know about music? | ||
| Pretty good amount. | ||
| Can you play things? | ||
| I can play a lot of things, yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Can you do piano? | ||
| I have what they call perfect pitch, you know what that is? | ||
| Your girl? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No, perfect pitch is like one or two percent of, and they don't know why, it's not like genetic or anything, but one or two percent of people can hear music like exactly so that if I play something or if I'm in front of an instrument, I can remember where that sound is and know that it's a hard thing to explain, but I can hear the exact tone of each. | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| You find out when, if you take piano lessons, people that play by ear often have perfect pitch, if you've ever heard that term. | ||
| There's people that can read music and play, and then there's people that can really play. | ||
| So perfect pitch is a perception thing. | ||
| I thought it was a singing thing. | ||
| It's not a sound that you make. | ||
| Let's say that it's singing, for example. | ||
| I know if I hit the note exactly. | ||
| So it makes it a lot easier to hit the note if you know that... | ||
| Huh. | ||
| I thought it was an ability thing. | ||
| Like hitting notes. | ||
| I didn't know it was being able to perceive it. | ||
| I thought it was just a sound. | ||
| You can't make a sound. | ||
| You can learn it. | ||
| Not perfect pitch, but you can learn how to make a sound. | ||
| Can you? | ||
| Totally? | ||
| I mean, do you have limitations on... | ||
| Like, I don't think I could ever be a good singer. | ||
| I really don't think I have any singing talent. | ||
| Oh, you'd be surprised. | ||
| Like, Vicky Lewis, who is on news radio, has an insane voice. | ||
| Like, insane, like, opera-level voice. | ||
| Like, she can... | ||
| And I would, like, joke around, try to sing, and she would get offended. | ||
| It was disgusting to her. | ||
| Because my clunky voice... | ||
| I just... | ||
| I don't... | ||
| I can't just hit... | ||
| But I've met people that... | ||
| They don't even sing for a living, but they sound beautiful when they're singing. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, it all depends. | ||
| Everybody should just try to sing like themselves. | ||
| I just learned about this stuff recently, the singing part of things, for that one thing that I didn't get. | ||
| Anyway, but you have to sing in your singing voice. | ||
| You know how all the singers sound different? | ||
| Captain and Tom Petty, "Hey, how's everybody doing out there?" Like he doesn't try to sing like "la la la la la la la" He just goes with it. | ||
| She's an American girl. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| That's a good example. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So if you sing how you sound, instead of trying to sing what we think a good singer sounds like, then you can kill it. | ||
| Because everybody sounds different. | ||
| Phil Collins sounds different than Roger Waters. | ||
| Chris Cornell. | ||
| He's different than David Gilmore, Robert Plant. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I knew this dude who was in a band, and he was a super cocky dude. | ||
| And then I finally listened to his music. | ||
| He's cocky, bordering douchey. | ||
| And I listened to his music, and the guy sounded exactly like Chris Cornell. | ||
| And when I say exactly, I mean fucking exactly. | ||
| I thought it was like some lost Soundgarden song from the early days. | ||
| I was listening to the exact same... | ||
| It was like me doing a Joey Diaz impression. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If I just started talking like Joey Diaz on stage, if I went on stage and just pretended this is me now, and now, what's up, cocksuckers? | ||
| Where you at, bitch? | ||
| Come on! | ||
| You would go, oh my god, he's doing a Joey Diaz impression. | ||
| That's how much this guy sounded like Chris Cornell. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| We got your voodoo pananny. | ||
| Don't play that. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| Different voices are fun. | ||
| That's why I like the Crash Test Dummies. | ||
| You ever heard of them? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The guy talks like this and everything, so when the song comes in, it's like a totally different... | ||
| You can't fuck with chicks, though. | ||
| Chicks have the best sounding voices, in my opinion. | ||
| I mean, I like Robert Plant. | ||
| He's got a badass voice, but Janis Joplin... | ||
| If I had to choose between listening to Janis Joplin sing a song, or Robert Plant... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That chick that sings Goldfinger? | ||
| Dude, pull up, take another little piece of my heart. | ||
| Why are you laughing? | ||
| You don't know that Janis Joplin song? | ||
| Oh, it's great. | ||
| Dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, take it! | |
| She was a fucking genius. | ||
| Or me and Bobby McGee? | ||
| That's another one. | ||
| I like roller skates. | ||
| She was a goddamn genius. | ||
| Yeah, roller skates is great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When I've got a brand new pair of roller skates. | |
| Yeah, that's right. | ||
| Or the Beamer song. | ||
| Or is it Mercedes Benz? | ||
| Oh, Lord. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| When I see shit like this, when I listen to this, I see in my head a documentary on the 60s. | ||
| That's what I see. | ||
| A politician talking about, these were innocent times. | ||
| People were embracing this new wave of being that was sweeping the nation. | ||
| And we were a part of it. | ||
| We were at ground zero. | ||
| It was Berkeley. | ||
| It was 1969. And it was all going on. | ||
| It was the freedom of summer. | ||
| Crank her up, crank her up. | ||
| Listen to this. | ||
| God damn! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know one of the things that's so badass about her? | |
| When she would sing, the pain in her voice, like the emotions in her voice, that chick had experienced a lot of shit. | ||
| She's one of those ones that would get into it too. | ||
| She put her whole body into it, close her eyes, really get lost in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at her baby down in the hall. | |
| And she was ugly. | ||
| Yeah, she was ugly and she hooked up with a lot of rock stars. | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| Big time. | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| Even though she was ugly, every guy wanted a banger because they're like that fucking voice. | ||
| She's got no tits, no ass in the face of a guitar. | ||
| A male Charlie Brown or a female Charlie Brown. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was awesome. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Joey Diaz. | ||
| That is scary. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Is that her? | ||
| Is that The Exorcist? | ||
| That's her. | ||
| She looks like... | ||
| Get a good picture of her. | ||
| Find a good picture of her. | ||
| And I say ugly like, she's better looking than me. | ||
| If I was a girl. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| She's pretty scary. | ||
| Probably lick your ass instead of hers. | ||
| I think you'd probably lick my ass, period. | ||
| Just for a story. | ||
| Just to be able to go on Kill Tony and talk about it. | ||
| She was okay. | ||
| Put up a good one. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| She's a cutie. | ||
| She's a cutie. | ||
| If you were on acid, you'd see her soul. | ||
| You'd love her soul. | ||
| Her soul is beautiful. | ||
| It's complex, like an old wine. | ||
| She's got that face fuzz, I bet. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Her teeth were a little crooked, but other than that, she's a fine-looking gal. | ||
| Everything's crooked. | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
| She's rude. | ||
| She's got dimples on one side of her face. | ||
| If I had to choose one woman to listen to sing, she's up there. | ||
| Amy Winehouse. | ||
| She's up there, too. | ||
| Suzanne Santo from Honey Honey is right at the top of the goddamn list. | ||
| She's got some new songs. | ||
| I wish we could play them, but she didn't give me permission. | ||
| I'd play some of her new shit. | ||
| Goddamn, dude. | ||
| Black women, man. | ||
| I wonder if she'd let us. | ||
| I think she'd let us play. | ||
| Are we allowed to? | ||
| Black women have this thing where they have the most powerful vocal cords. | ||
| That lady that sings Goldfinger from Bond, did you ever see that live performance at the Oscars or Emmys a couple years ago? | ||
| She got a standing O afterwards. | ||
| Who is she? | ||
| I can't believe I can't think of her name. | ||
| She's the... | ||
| She's like the most respected... | ||
| Grace Jones. | ||
| Something like that. | ||
| Is that her? | ||
| If you look up Goldfinger... | ||
| Grace Jones was that black chick with the crazy haircut. | ||
| Yeah, like that Max Hedrum, black Max Hedrum. | ||
| Grace Jones, she used to date Dolph Lundgren. | ||
| Shirley Bassey. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| Shirley Bassett, right? | ||
| She's a cold-blooded killer. | ||
| This is one where she goes... | ||
| And when she does that, she's standing and when she can clench her arms and it makes the sound come from... | ||
| Goldfinger! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Goldfinger! | |
| She can go low and then go low to high. | ||
| Her range, which is a thing. | ||
| Some people can do high, some people can do low. | ||
| She's one of those monsters. | ||
| A lot of those guys clapped in Pink Floyd. | ||
| They'd only work with Black Boner or something. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Boner. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| Everything sounds better with a half boner. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Pull up Honey Honey Angel of Death when they were live on the roof. | ||
| This video that they did. | ||
| I wanted to play one of their new songs, but I can't get permission. | ||
| So until I hear from her, I sent her a text. | ||
| If she texts me back during the show, we'll try to play it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| We'll play the video we're in. | ||
| Yeah, that's Angel of Death, but don't play that one. | ||
| Play the live one on the roof, because the live one on the roof is acoustic, so you really get a chance to hear her voice. | ||
| This isn't it, Brian. | ||
| Is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay. | ||
| That's Tony chirping. | ||
| That's me. | ||
| Yeah, this is how I found out about these guys. | ||
| They're moving back to L.A. They gave up on Nashville. | ||
| God. | ||
| They heard a few too many N-bombs, and they were like, oh, we're still in Tennessee. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is called Angel of Death. | |
| Isn't this an old village people song? | ||
| You won't feel a change We'll just become the same thing And never spend a single day apart Yes, I guess there have been many others And yes, | ||
| I've treated them the same as I need to | ||
| see them live again. | ||
| Yeah, they're moving back here, so we'll get to see them for sure. | ||
| So I'll be back. | ||
| Yeah, she's the best. | ||
| They have a new tour out. | ||
| Yeah, if you go to honeyhoneyband.com, they have their schedule up. | ||
| They're fucking awesome. | ||
| And Ben is the coolest guy. | ||
| He's so nice. | ||
| He's such an interesting, funny dude, too. | ||
| He's a cool guy to be around. | ||
| It's interesting knowing people that can do shit that you don't have any interest in pursuing. | ||
| You get to just watch it as an observer. | ||
| That's how I feel about music. | ||
| Music is not something I ever wanted to pursue, so when I watch people do it and do it really good, I find it super inspiring. | ||
| I never would have gotten into it at all. | ||
| However, I lived in such a bad neighborhood. | ||
| I grew up in such a... | ||
| the worst corner of one of the most dangerous cities in the country. | ||
| For years it's been dangerous. | ||
| But when I was growing up, it was the most dangerous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Just houses getting arsoned everywhere. | ||
| It makes Detroit look like, you know... | ||
| What place? | ||
| Youngstown, Ohio. | ||
| Yeah, that's a bad spot. | ||
| Very dangerous. | ||
| The mafia versus the black gangs and the black gangs versus everybody. | ||
| Notoriously one of the worst cities to live in year after year. | ||
| But anyway... | ||
| we had bars in all of our windows. | ||
| It's just a thing that every house had during that time, late 80s, early 90s, because people would just, if they saw you leave your house, they'd break into your house and steal whatever. | ||
| But the only area that didn't have bars in the windows was our dining room window area, but since there weren't bars in the windows, my mom had an old upright piano that leaned up against those windows, so light wouldn't even come through the windows, The only thing that would block those windows was an upright piano. | ||
| So there was always an upright piano in the dining room when I was being raised, so I'd play it and just goof around on it as a kid. | ||
| But sure enough, just to show you how bad of a neighborhood I lived in, one time, because there weren't bars on the windows, a guy with like an axe started breaking through that window and broke all the way through a piano, an upright piano. | ||
| If you know anything about the guts of a piano, I mean, first of all, the outside's made of crazy old wood and this and that, and it's all wood on the inside, but there's all these metal strings and everything, and they broke all the way through the piano. | ||
| That's Youngstown for you, just... | ||
| The guy that started, he's like, God, I've got to be close now, broke through the middle of an upright piano. | ||
| And what happened? | ||
| Did he get inside your house? | ||
| I remember. | ||
| They got inside my house. | ||
| They stole my Nintendo and the VCR, which now would be, I mean, the oldest Nintendo, the regular Nintendo and a VCR. Probably today's like $20 worth of stuff. | ||
| How old were you then? | ||
| I remember pretty specifically. | ||
| I know I was close to probably about third, fourth, or fifth grade, right in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I know that because my first grade play, Christmas play, was in the VCR. It was so funny. | ||
| Everybody in the family used to watch it because it was so stupid. | ||
| I was a star and I had a giant head and I was so unacceptable. | ||
| They didn't want to give me a good roll so they just put a star around my neck with a string. | ||
| So we'd always watch it because it'd be funny and that was in the VCR when they stole it and there was no way to get that back. | ||
| That's why it really stuck out. | ||
| That's gotta be a weird feeling too, to feel that vulnerable, like someone could break into your house. | ||
| Every night. | ||
| I was scared every single night. | ||
| Every single night I went to bed afraid. | ||
| We caught somebody breaking into my house when I was... | ||
| Really? | ||
| I guess it was like... | ||
| They weren't... | ||
| No, I should correct it. | ||
| They weren't breaking into my house, they were breaking into our car, which is right by the window. | ||
| And I'm sure somebody probably would have broken into our house, but we were home. | ||
| They probably knew we were home. | ||
| I lived in the Jamaica Plain, which was not nearly as bad as Youngstown, but it was sketchy. | ||
| Now it's all gentrified, but back then it was pretty fucked up. | ||
| We caught this dude who was right outside my window. | ||
| He's breaking into a car. | ||
| I remember seeing him run. | ||
| My stepfather opened up the window and yelled something or something. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| There was some sort of an altercation. | ||
| Like, hey, get the fuck out of there. | ||
| And then I remember looking down. | ||
| My bedroom window was above the car. | ||
| Looking down and seeing this guy run off. | ||
| I was like, this is fucking weird. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| It's really gross when you realize that somebody could mess with your stuff Well, it's that weird feeling, too. | ||
| Like, you know, you hear noises, and then you think this might really be someone breaking in this time. | ||
| B&Es, that's what they would call them. | ||
| Kids in the neighborhood would do it all the time. | ||
| Oh, you know, he's been to juvie for a B&E. It was like normal, breaking and entering. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Normal. | ||
| Brian's thinking about bacon and eggs over there. | ||
| Very few murders. | ||
| Just a lot of crime. | ||
| But it was possible to get murdered. | ||
| You know, when you have a bunch of fucking creepy people that have been in jail a bunch of times, and they're around a bunch of other creepy people, and there's a lot of poverty, and a lot of drugs, and fucking shit happens, man. | ||
| It all becomes acceptable. | ||
| And then the little brothers and the younger people see their older brothers doing it, and they think it's cool, and that that's a part of life, and then You know, it's crazy. | ||
| It's also a way guys make money, you know? | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| Break into someone's house, you steal their TV, and now you have a thousand bucks. | ||
| Like, holy shit. | ||
| It's fucked. | ||
| That doesn't happen too much in rich neighborhoods. | ||
| Rich neighborhoods, dudes very rarely break into each other's houses. | ||
| Super rare. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's something that only happens if one person's got something, the other person wants it. | ||
| When you can get your own shit, shit doesn't mean as much. | ||
| It becomes a different thing. | ||
| It becomes something how you judge each other. | ||
| That's where it's stupid, but... | ||
| A lot fucking better than living in poverty. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it was crazy. | ||
| Youngstown had a lot of boxers come out of there. | ||
| A lot of them. | ||
| Boom Boom Mancini. | ||
| Kelly the Ghost Pavlik. | ||
| Yeah, Kelly Pavlik. | ||
| Harry Arroyo. | ||
| Harry Arroyo. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Kelly Pavlik had my favorite fight that I've ever seen in all of boxing. | ||
| The Jermaine Taylor fight? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Got knocked down twice. | ||
| Neither one of them had ever been knocked down in their entire professional career. | ||
| Not once. | ||
| And they both went down twice. | ||
| It was a great fight. | ||
| Pavlik was a beast. | ||
| Liked the booze, though. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Yeah, that'll fuck you, man. | ||
| But again, I think a lot of these guys that like the booze, part of it is just the pressure. | ||
| The pressure of being a professional fighter has got to be so staggering. | ||
| And in Youngstown, that's what you're taught, is drink the pain away. | ||
| Every time he would go back home, he was the king. | ||
| Of Youngstown. | ||
| And when you do that, you're just hanging out at bars with your friends. | ||
| Anyway, and every single person that walks in, hey, let me buy you a drink. | ||
| It's months until your next fight. | ||
| You know, they don't realize he's a professional athlete and he needs to maintain... | ||
| Come on, Kelly. | ||
| What are you, too good for us now? | ||
| That's exactly how everybody talks. | ||
| Too good for a jack. | ||
| Come on, Kelly. | ||
| Let me buy you a drink. | ||
| Jack on the rocks. | ||
| Come on, Kelly. | ||
| White Castle. | ||
| A little big whiskey in a beer. | ||
| It ain't gonna hurt ya. | ||
| You know, I didn't know that White Castle had tiny food the first time I went there. | ||
| And so I got it to go. | ||
| I got it to go. | ||
| I remember specifically, I was at my brother's apartment in Columbus visiting him in college. | ||
| Went to the White Castle. | ||
| He was at work across the street. | ||
| Got a burger and fries to go. | ||
| Went back and I was so disappointed because I was starving. | ||
| Went back and got three or four more burgers. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Those were the days. | ||
| Yeah, I had to get away with that. | ||
| Just making a little tiny burger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Super cheap. | |
| A one-bite burger. | ||
| There used to be a nickel or something like that back in the day. | ||
| And that was the whole thing. | ||
| Like, get a nickel burger. | ||
| You know, but it was a smaller burger. | ||
| Yeah, but how many of those equal like a 20? | ||
| Was a regular burger a quarter back then? | ||
| How much was a regular burger? | ||
| Yeah, probably. | ||
| It was probably more expensive. | ||
| It was probably some kind of marketing thing. | ||
| Like, no, we got really cheap burgers. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| Get your knickled bagger here. | ||
| Breaking news. | ||
| Joe, did you see that thing I posted the other day? | ||
| Did you know the USPS or the post office used to deliver kids? | ||
| They used to put the postage on the kid and these carriers would have these babies and they would just take them on the train with them and then it started getting out more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait a minute. | |
| Did you Snopes this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| Totally real? | ||
| I'll show you. | ||
| They sent babies through the mail? | ||
| There's photos of it. | ||
| What year was this? | ||
| Baby. | ||
| Oh, so people were just worried their baby was going to get eaten by wolves back then. | ||
| They took a chance at the post office. | ||
| Yeah, but the people that would deliver them, the photo that I'm going to show you, is like the creepiest of all child molesters. | ||
| Stealing babies. | ||
| When you couldn't track shit online, you know, who knows where your baby is. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They can just do whatever they want with your baby for a couple of days. | ||
| Takes a while to get your baby over there. | ||
| Are you sure male babies wasn't spelled M-A-L-E? Like you weren't looking at... | ||
| Wow, that's a mail carrier with a fucking kid. | ||
| That's insane. | ||
| They would have stamps on it. | ||
| What does it say about the text making it illegal? | ||
| 1913, it was... | ||
| Scroll back. | ||
| You wanna go up? | ||
| In 1913, it was legal to mail children with stamps attached to their clothing. | ||
| Children rode trans to the destinations accompanied by letter carriers. | ||
| One newspaper reported it cost 53 cents for parents to mail their daughter to her grandparents for a family visit. | ||
| As news stories and photos popped up around the country, it didn't take long to get a law on the books making it illegal to send children in the mail. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| They should make it legal again to keep the U.S. Postal Service bumping. | ||
| Keep them in business? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Postal Service is not doing so good anymore. | ||
| Can you imagine if you made your business on sending letters? | ||
| You're like, look, the post office is fucking slow. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I can get a letter to your friend in a day. | ||
| Like, if you have something to say to him, just letters, no packages, I can get it to him. | ||
| And all of a sudden the internet comes along and the email comes along and you're like... | ||
| Fuck my business. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Imagine the guy just 15 years ago that put all his money into mail. | ||
| He's like, well, there's one thing that will definitely never go away. | ||
| Listen, people are always going to need to send letters in a timely fashion. | ||
| Taxes, letters, and trains. | ||
| Three things that will never go away. | ||
| No one saw tax messages coming. | ||
| No one saw any of that coming. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And the idea that you could get all your email on your phone, your phone weighs a fucking ounce, and you keep it in your pocket. | ||
| The fact that anything is coming in the mail is weird. | ||
| Everything should be digital. | ||
| Well, I think that they're going to have two forms of delivery. | ||
| They're going to use drones, and they're going to use 3D printing. | ||
| I think that's what's going to be a lot of products in the future. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I think you're going to have some sort of a box in your house about the size of regular home... | ||
| Computer printer need a bigger one for bigger things, but you're just gonna own like you're gonna use like Bitcoin to buy the directions or buy the ingredients or buy the Schematic whatever you download that schematic into your your computer press print and that fucker just develops it right there in your box That's gonna happen and the drones will have little every house will have a little chimney drop where the drone just you know goddamn Santa Claus Yep. | ||
| Say like you left your iPhone at home or your phone at home, right? | ||
| It's going to know your phone and say like, hey, I need you to send me my phone. | ||
| So you would have to put it in a box because you only have one license for that phone. | ||
| And then it will reprint it wherever you want it. | ||
| And destroy your original one. | ||
| Destroy the original one because you only have one license. | ||
| What if it becomes like a clone? | ||
| Remember when you get a VCR tape that somebody made off of a VCR tape and it was kind of whack? | ||
| And it's like, ah, this phone's not so good. | ||
| It's a clone. | ||
| It's a clone of your phone. | ||
| A 3D printed clone. | ||
| With all the data downloaded from the cloud. | ||
| Every time you drop your phone there, you're like, yeah, I just need to send my phone again and get it reprinted. | ||
| Yeah, you just get a new phone whenever the new ones came out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, man, I got the new iClone 6. Well, you know what would be really dope? | |
| If you could take old phones and you throw them into the computer and it eats them up and builds a new phone. | ||
| Whenever a new schematic comes up, it can actually extract and recycle the components of the device. | ||
| Or a car. | ||
| Every day you go, I want to drive today, I want to drive a Porsche. | ||
| Tomorrow I want to drive some... | ||
| You're just going to print out your car. | ||
| By the time we're printing out cars, we're not going to even have cars anymore. | ||
| We're going to have a little thing that you just get in that looks like an egg, pretty much, and you're just going to sit in it. | ||
| Destination today. | ||
| I don't even know why I'm doing that. | ||
| You're already in the thing. | ||
| I want to go to the roller coaster park. | ||
| Do you want to go to the rollercoaster park 37 miles away? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You can make it so that it won't hit anything else. | ||
| I'll do you one better. | ||
| I think we're going to transcend physical reality. | ||
| That's what I think. | ||
| They're going to develop an artificial reality that is more complex and more rewarding than the physical reality. | ||
| And so no one will exist in the physical reality anymore. | ||
| It will all be even maintained from this artificial reality. | ||
| We will maintain this dimension from an alternative dimension that we create. | ||
| And children will be born instantaneously into this alternative dimension because the fucking fear upon fears is that your kid will be born in the natural world. | ||
| It will get eaten by animals. | ||
| Fuck that! | ||
| There will be no children born. | ||
| We're going to figure out a way to transcend the physical reality. | ||
| So whatever consciousness is when it's created, when a man and a woman have sex and a baby comes out of the woman's body, that baby will immediately be transported into an alternative dimension as it's being born. | ||
| We're already in it. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I saw your post the other day, a Bugs Life thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I had just taken all my DVDs out and reorganized them and I had just looked at Bugs Life because I lost the DVD and I don't know where it is. | ||
| Yeah, I had a dream about Dave Foley. | ||
| I was one time in Bear Camp. | ||
| I was in Bear Camp. | ||
| And I was dreaming that Dave Foley was healthy and he was thin and smiley. | ||
| Yeah, it was like when I knew him in 1994 when I first met him on news radio. | ||
| And then I got up in the morning and I went upstairs and I sat down in front of the TV and A Bug's Life came on. | ||
| And it was Dave Foley's voice. | ||
| I was like, wow, this is weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Because he did that like around the same time we were doing news radio. | ||
| That guy, if I feel bad about any guy getting fucked in a divorce proceeding, you want to find the worst case scenario. | ||
| I mean, not worst. | ||
| I guess worst was Phil Hartman. | ||
| His fucking wife killed him when he's sleeping. | ||
| But close to worst of a guy getting fucked over by divorce and alimony laws. | ||
| And child support laws. | ||
| Look up Dave Foley. | ||
| Look up Dave Foley discusses child support and alimony from our podcast because it was heartbreaking. | ||
| Because they got him locked into a payment schedule based on what he was making when he was on news radio, which was a crazy amount of money. | ||
| He was on NBC. He was on a sitcom, and he was one of the big stars of it, coming from Kids in the Hall. | ||
| He was a well-known comedian. | ||
| They gave him this great big deal, and the show was sort of written around him and Phil Hartman. | ||
| And you can't expect to make that kind of money your whole life. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| It's an amazing opportunity. | ||
| But the idea of a sitcom is it's a once-in-a-lifetime thing. | ||
| Very few people ever get one, and one that goes to syndication. | ||
| And what you should do is stockpile as much of that money as possible because the chances of getting another one are quite slim. | ||
| But that's not how the divorce laws look at it. | ||
| They look at it like, look, this is what you make. | ||
| You owe X amount of percentage of that. | ||
| So if all of a sudden you make, you went from a million dollars a year or whatever to a hundred thousand dollars a year, you still have to pay a half a million dollars a year. | ||
| Like you still, whatever the fuck it was, make up a number. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| So he developed more than, it was more than a half a million dollars in debt that he could not pay off. | ||
| I mean, I don't know what it was, but I remember at one time it was a half a million. | ||
| It was compiling and he couldn't get into the country because if he went to Canada, they would arrest him. | ||
| I mean, crazy fucking shit. | ||
| He was having meetings. | ||
| They refused to reduce the amount of money that he had to pay. | ||
| And it's not like a matter of them getting money for food and money for housing and clothing, which totally makes sense. | ||
| It was exorbitant amounts of money. | ||
| And she was flying all over the country with his money and going to... | ||
| Foreign countries and spending all this money on redecorating the house. | ||
| He would talk about it. | ||
| It would drive him crazy. | ||
| It's a wild thing, because Canada doesn't let you get divorced as easy as you do in the United States. | ||
| You have to be separated from each other, at least at the time, for a year. | ||
| But during that year, she gets access to your bank account. | ||
| Because you have joint accounts. | ||
| So during that year, she would spend with impunity. | ||
| I mean, she would try to break him. | ||
| She would try to break him with her spending. | ||
| You know, he'd talk about it on the podcast, and you see the guy was just devastated by it. | ||
| Just devastated. | ||
| Like, that's a real extreme example. | ||
| Like, one of the most extreme examples. | ||
| Most of the time, you know, it's like we were saying that video earlier where that kid was getting beat up by that woman and he was doing the selfie and he's like, stop assaulting me. | ||
| And then when the cops came, she said that he assaulted her. | ||
| Thankfully, he had that video. | ||
| I think... | ||
| In a lot of cases, like when people split up and when people get angry. | ||
| People go from love to hate in pretty extreme variation. | ||
| It's like people who love each other. | ||
| When you don't love that person anymore or that person doesn't love you... | ||
| It's not just like you don't get along anymore, like friends that just say, I don't hang around with them anymore. | ||
| It's like they stole something from you. | ||
| They stole a piece of your happiness. | ||
| They stole a piece of your love. | ||
| And they get fucking angry, and they'll make shit up. | ||
| They'll say you touched your kids, you did a bunch of creepy shit to them. | ||
| You'll beat them up. | ||
| They'll beat themselves up and blame it on you. | ||
| They'll hit themselves with shit and blame it on you, knowing that most of the time cops are going to believe them because guys hit women all the time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Scary. | ||
| Fucked. | ||
| To be stuck in a crazy situation like that where someone who you used to get intimate with now wants to lie and plot and do anything to drag you down. | ||
| Gotta have him back and see if he's happier now because that really did make me feel very sad when he was here. | ||
| Yeah, it made me sad too. | ||
| You know, I know he got a sitcom after that for a bit. | ||
| I did a comedy festival with Dave Foley just about two months ago. | ||
| Did you do stand-up? | ||
| Was he doing stand-up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| How was it? | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| He's a funny dude, man. | ||
| He could have been doing stand-up the whole time. | ||
| And we had a lot of fun. | ||
| He's always done sketch comedy, you know, and improv and stuff like that. | ||
| But he could have easily been a stand-up. | ||
| He's a very smart guy. | ||
| He's on a show now with Ken Jeong. | ||
| And Ken wants to come on the show also, so maybe we have both of them on. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| What show is it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I've been seeing them on Facebook. | ||
| They're filming it. | ||
| Oh, ten minutes. | ||
| We've got to wrap this bitch up. | ||
| Tony motherfucking Hinchcliffe. | ||
| Time flies by when we shoot the shit. | ||
| We've got to get you on Keltony soon. | ||
| I would be happy to if you didn't do it in the Devil's Ball Sack. | ||
| A.K.A. the Comedy Store. | ||
| Come to a fucking respectable venue and I'll brace you with my services. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Bring that bitch to the Ice House. | ||
| I'll do it at the Ice House. | ||
| But I can't go back to that place. | ||
| I just can't. | ||
| I know too much. | ||
| I know too much, Tony! | ||
| The next Friday you have open, we'll just make it a Kill Tony. | ||
| Yeah, okay, let's do it. | ||
| I would love to do that. | ||
| That'd be fun. | ||
| And if you haven't watched or listened to Kill Tony, you can catch it on DeathSquad.tv. | ||
| It's on iTunes. | ||
| And also on DeathSquad.tv is the other one that we talk about all the time, Thunder Pussy. | ||
| Thunder Pussy, which is a fun, fun time with the right crowd. | ||
| Occasionally you get the wrong crowd and it becomes a fuckfest. | ||
| But... | ||
| With the right crowd. | ||
| Comedians go on stage and just the audience yells out ideas and the comedians start to talk about things. | ||
| They just make comedy up on the spot. | ||
| It's very challenging but very fun. | ||
| And it's also a way that you wind up coming up with a lot of new material because you're just completely riffing. | ||
| As long as the audience is cool. | ||
| We've had both. | ||
| We've had When the Audience is Awesome and the last time it was a dog show. | ||
| That was annoying. | ||
| I had fun the last time, but there were a few people definitely that were out of control. | ||
| We bought a little bit of the bro factor to the equation. | ||
| I went up first, mind you, so I knew it was going to get out of control. | ||
| Because if the three guys were bugging me, I'm like, oof, this is a ticking time bomb. | ||
| And I tried to acknowledge them and calm them down. | ||
| Let them realize that they seemed wasted right from the get, the few people that were just out of it, like, yeah, totally, you know, when people, you know, an audience member's wasted when they're, like, answering rhetorical questions, you know? | ||
| And you're like, you know what drives me crazy? | ||
| No, I don't know what drives you crazy! | ||
| Well, they were just trying to get attention. | ||
| That was the problem. | ||
| It wasn't simply a matter of participating or yelling out topics. | ||
| They were trying to get attention. | ||
| They were trying to be a part of the show. | ||
| Like the guy to the left, whose buddy got kicked out early, and then he just kept going. | ||
| Like, dude, your buddy's already been kicked out. | ||
| You guys are too drunk. | ||
| You gotta learn how to handle your liquor, son. | ||
| Do you know how people are looking at you? | ||
| You know, another thing is that... | ||
| That show is also 18 and up, though. | ||
| Yeah, that's not cool. | ||
| Why is it 18 and up? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| They need to change that show. | ||
| Yeah, am I allowed to change that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, 100%. | |
| Because, I mean, I love that age group, but they just, you know, I know they're underage drinking going on. | ||
| Not there, but maybe they came drunk or whatever, and that's probably... | ||
| They could bring flasks. | ||
| Nobody's checking their bags when they walk through the door. | ||
| Well, all these problems that we had at the last Thunder Pussy was at the beginning of the show. | ||
| So there's no way that they got drunk at the Ice House. | ||
| Yeah, they came in drunk. | ||
| So I think what's happening is people are just coming like fucking balls wasted. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That 19-year-old kid that got kicked out. | ||
| It's so sad. | ||
| He was just sitting there on the bench outside. | ||
| I'm like, what happened, dude? | ||
| He's like, man, I got kicked out. | ||
| I was like, look, it's not the end of the world. | ||
| You've got to realize it's part of being young. | ||
| You fuck up, you get drunk, you do retarded shit, and then you realize you did retarded shit. | ||
| So the next time you think you're going to get into that same sort of situation again, you correct yourself. | ||
| You'll be alright. | ||
| He was so devastated. | ||
| At the beginning of this next Thunder Pussy, the one that we just did, I spent my first three minutes on that guy. | ||
| Because I realized that if I didn't acknowledge him right from the get, then... | ||
| Because Jeremiah even told me, because he hosts it. | ||
| So Jeremiah went up first, then he brought me up. | ||
| Jeremiah goes, I purposefully didn't Double, you know, I didn't want to seem like the bad guy. | ||
| I knew that you would like to take that, so I didn't even acknowledge him. | ||
| Because, you know, Jeremiah and I work together a lot, like at the store, and just everywhere. | ||
| We're both, you know, both grinders. | ||
| So, anyway, he knew... | ||
| You're on Grindr? | ||
| No, we don't grind each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Met on Grindr? | |
| No. | ||
| Yeah, he's out there on his grind, dog. | ||
| No. | ||
| He's out there on the grind, you know, that's like a rap term. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hustling. | ||
| He's hustling every day. | ||
| Every day we hustle. | ||
| Every day. | ||
| Every day we be hustling. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But, yeah. | ||
| The worst is that those guys think that they're helping the show. | ||
| That's the worst. | ||
| That's why, if I'm first or second, I have the chance to help out the show, I go, and you're not going to help the show. | ||
| You might be thinking that you're, you know, I've built, over the years of acknowledging these people, I've built jokes on them. | ||
| Them, you know what I mean? | ||
| And you're gonna think you killed tomorrow at the water cooler, but you didn't. | ||
| You gotta just tell them the truth. | ||
| Because if they think then that they're gonna help the show, you gotta nip it in the... | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Bud or bud? | ||
| The bud. | ||
| It's like a plant. | ||
| You nip it in the bud. | ||
| That's what you're supposed to do. | ||
| You actually should pull it out by the roots. | ||
| That's the best way. | ||
| Nip it in the bud. | ||
| What if it re-buds? | ||
| You know? | ||
| The plant's still alive. | ||
| Don't just nip it. | ||
| Pull it out of the roots and then light that thing on fire. | ||
| That's what you're supposed to do. | ||
| Can you imagine, though, being 19 years old and getting drunk and come to a comedy show where you're allowed to talk to the comedians? | ||
| You're allowed to yell out ideas. | ||
| There's no... | ||
| I mean, that's like part of the fun when it works out great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But part of the problem with that is if you get the wrong kind of kids in there, especially young kids, 18 years old, hammered for the first time, yelling shit out. | ||
| Edibles and weed. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I couldn't handle that. | ||
| By the way, highly recommending to see Louis C.K.'s latest episode where he catches his daughter smoking marijuana. | ||
| It's like an hour and a half long episode. | ||
| One of the best things I've ever seen ever. | ||
| Louis C.K. is a maniac, man. | ||
| Are you watching any of his shows? | ||
| I haven't been watching it. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| I almost went to watch it like three more times. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And the kids they used in it, the actors, bravo to those guys. | ||
| I mean, it was beautiful. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| His daughters are amazing in that show. | ||
| They steal it a lot. | ||
| They're great. | ||
| So great. | ||
| I haven't been watching it. | ||
| Do you watch Game of Thrones? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't talk about it though. | ||
| A lot of people get mad. | ||
| Oh, I bet. | ||
| Spoiler alert! | ||
| I just caught up on the episode this week, last night. | ||
| Holy fuck. | ||
| Such a good show. | ||
| After it's over, you just go, holy fuck. | ||
| You want to watch something great, watch a show on Netflix called The Writer's Room, and just go straight to the Game of Thrones episode. | ||
| It's the two writers. | ||
| They work directly with George Martin, so they're the ones that take George's ideas and with their imagination put it into film. | ||
| It's two guys, and it's been two the whole time, but they don't work together. | ||
| They sit in opposite rooms, and they don't even work on the same episodes. | ||
| What? | ||
| One guy, they do one after the other. | ||
| So one does one, and then one does the next. | ||
| And the reason why it's so great, in my opinion, if you watch this episode of The Writer's Room called Game of Thrones, where it's these two guys, you figure out that they're just trying to outdo each other. | ||
| These guys are writing partners, and they're just trying to be like, I'm gonna blow your mind this week, bro. | ||
| Great idea. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| That's incredible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They pitted them against each other. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| But they're together, but they're against each. | ||
| It's sort of like Pink Floyd. | ||
| The two main guys, Roger Waters and David Gilmour, were notorious. | ||
| Like when you hear a band breakup, like it's sort of built off of Pink Floyd because they didn't play together for 20 or 30 years. | ||
| A notorious huge breakup at the massive peak. | ||
| But that's what they would do. | ||
| Like, Roger Waters would be like, you know, hey, buddy, I'm the lead creator for us, and I just wrote this album called The Wall. | ||
| It's a shame you didn't get anything in on it. | ||
| And David Gilmour would be like, oh, yeah, motherfucker? | ||
| And he would go in a room and write Comfortably Numb and come back with that. | ||
| That was the two biggest, you know, some of the biggest guitar solos of all time. | ||
| It's just a little pinpring. | ||
| Yeah, with his voice, that David Gilmour just, ah! | ||
| And so that's the same thing. | ||
| Those two guys always hated each other, but they're a band, and it helped, because Waters would go, check out these lyrics in this bass line, bro, and then Gilmore would be like, oh, you think you're a badass? | ||
| Well, watch this guitar solo. | ||
| He would try to steal the song from him by laying it down or using his voice, and Waters was smart enough to let it all happen, because... | ||
| That's good for business. | ||
| Isn't like every band that's ever a huge band, don't they always have a problem with the lead singer and someone else? | ||
| Like even fucking Van Halen. | ||
| Van Halen broke up, David Lee Roth left, they brought in someone else, they brought in Sammy Hagar, then they brought in that other dude. | ||
| Remember that other dude? | ||
| Who's the other dude that they brought in? | ||
| He's from a good band, but he sucked it as the lead singer of Van Halen. | ||
| It just didn't work for whatever reason. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But think Axl Rose and Guns N' Roses. | ||
| Mick Jagger and Keith Richards, they keep it together. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| But apparently, like, Keith Richards talked a gang of shit about Mick Jagger and his book. | ||
| Which is kind of fucked up. | ||
| Steven Tyler. | ||
| Those guys hang out. | ||
| But they left for a while, right? | ||
| Didn't Joe Perry leave for a while? | ||
| He did, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Joe Perry's a cool motherfucker. | ||
| I'm friends with him on Twitter. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's so cool. | ||
| Joe Perry, he's a conspiracy theorist. | ||
| He's into a lot of conspiracy theories, man. | ||
| Some wacky ones. | ||
| But I found a rock at the beach, and I was like, what is this rock? | ||
| Is this a volcanic rock? | ||
| Or a meteor or something like that? | ||
| Because it had all these holes in it. | ||
| I couldn't figure out what it was like. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| I remember looking at that. | ||
| And there's apparently fish to that. | ||
| It's like a sea stone. | ||
| Joe Perry told me on Twitter. | ||
| I was like, what a crazy world we live in where Joe Perry can give you explanations of what kind of rock. | ||
| One of the greatest guitars ever. | ||
| And he knows all about rock. | ||
| And he knows about shit. | ||
| Rock and roll. | ||
| He knows about geology and sea rocks and shit. | ||
| Brian, you got anything going on this weekend? | ||
| Tonight, Ontario Improv. | ||
| Friday, Ice House. | ||
| Powerful Ontario Improv. | ||
| But I'm going to Florida with Sam Tripoli in August, April 8th, 9th, and 10th. | ||
| Tampa, Jacksonville, and Orlando. | ||
| Good Lord, son. | ||
| And like I said, this weekend, Tony and Brian Callen and I, Thursday and Friday, I shouldn't say this weekend, Thursday night we're in Lloydminster, and then both of them are in Canada. | ||
| So if you're like, where the fuck's Lloydminster? | ||
| It's another country, bitch. | ||
| And the other one is Vancouver at the Orpheum Theater on Friday night. | ||
| Can't fucking wait. | ||
| Brian Callen, Tony Hinchcliffe, and moi. | ||
| Good times, you fucks. | ||
| Thanks for having me. | ||
| Anytime, my friend. | ||
| Anytime. | ||
| That's it, fuckers. | ||
| Thanks for the sponsorship, Mr. Squarespace. | ||
| Go to squarespace.com and build yourself an awesome website, you freaks, and use the code word JOE and save 10% off your first purchase. | ||
| Squarespace.com. | ||
| Thanks also to Ting. | ||
| Go to rogan.ting.com and get an awesome deal on cell phone service for a fraction of the cost. | ||
| All kinds of good shit that goes along with being involved with Ting. | ||
| Rogan.ting.com will save you 25 bucks off of your first device. | ||
| Go there, enjoy it. | ||
| Go to onnit.com, use the code word ROGAN, and save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| We will be back tomorrow with Ensign Inoue returns to the podcast, the great Yamato Damashi, one of the old school MMA fighters, a real legend, and a cool ass motherfucker. | ||
| He will be here tomorrow at noon. | ||
| So, Much love. | ||
| Until then, enjoy your life, you dirty fucks. | ||
| Tony, did you have a tour date? | ||
| TonyHinchcliffe.com? | ||
| Oh yeah, TonyHinchcliffe.com, at TonyHinchcliffe on Twitter, and check out Kill Tony. | ||
| Two F's and an E. Yeah, H plus inch, Cliff plus E, which reminds me, that t-shirt's available at TonyHinchcliffe.com. | ||
| Get a t-shirt, you fucks! | ||
| Support the kid! | ||
| He's got talent! | ||
| Alright, we love you guys. | ||
| Much love. | ||
| See you soon. | ||
| Big kiss. |
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