May 14, 2014 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:56:11
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| This is episode 500 of... | ||
| The You Know My Name podcast. | ||
| 500! | ||
| Can't say my name anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
500! | |
| I've decided that it's very douchey if you say your own name. | ||
| Joe Rogan! | ||
| As much as you possibly could avoid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll say your own name. | |
| This episode is brought to you by LegalZoom. | ||
| Any legal troubles, Tom Rhodes? | ||
| Not lately. | ||
| Doug Stanhope, any legal troubles? | ||
| Not yet. | ||
| Well, if you do have legal troubles, like, say, if you want... | ||
| Well, here's the best use of it. | ||
| Not troubles, but issues, like incorporation. | ||
| You can incorporate with LegalZoom. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| Yes, I know that. | ||
| Did you know you could do it cheap? | ||
| You could form an LLC for just under $99 or just $99 and up? | ||
| Before I fuck a girl on the road, I have paperwork that's printed off from LegalZoom.com saying that she is consenting to be here. | ||
| You're going to need that someday. | ||
| We're going to need videotaped confessions. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| So... | ||
| Congratulations on taking that first step. | ||
| Does LegalZoom have this option? | ||
| Maybe we can ask them. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I think it's a project. | ||
| They're working on it. | ||
| Why are you putting Mocaine in there? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| Because it just said, what are you searching for? | ||
| What's Mocaine? | ||
| Mushrooms and cocaine. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Do you think that LegalZoom knows about that? | ||
| They say no. | ||
| Don't put that in the commercial. | ||
| They're not actual legal representatives, but they do provide a fantastic service, so you can be your own legal representative. | ||
| Exactly! | ||
| Douglas Stanhope. | ||
| Such a good pitch, man. | ||
| On top of that, you're probably the best ever. | ||
| And on top of that, they can connect you to an attorney if you panic. | ||
| A third-party attorney. | ||
| So if the shit hits the fan, you're filling out the LegalZoom paperwork, and you're like, you know what? | ||
| I feel very jail-y. | ||
| I feel like I'm going to jail. | ||
| I'm feeling kind of jail-y. | ||
| You can call that emergency number from LegalZoom. | ||
| They'll look out the window, read a billboard, and send you to some Saul Gooden- Breaking Bad motherfucker. | ||
| No, they won't do that, Douglas. | ||
| And for the record, Saul Goodman did a hell of a job in that. | ||
| Goddamn attorney. | ||
| Anyway, this month LegalZoom celebrates innovation by helping you launch your dream. | ||
| How do you do that, LegalZoom? | ||
| Paternity is my favorite. | ||
| What about you, Tom? | ||
| Paternity lawsuits? | ||
| You ever been accused in a paternity suit? | ||
| No, I haven't. | ||
| I was about 10 years ago. | ||
| It was frightening. | ||
| Oof, that's rough. | ||
| Do we have time for the story? | ||
| Yeah, we'll do it after the commercial. | ||
| I want to hear it. | ||
| Unless you're going to bum me out, man. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Anyway, go to LegalZoom.com, please, so I can stop. | ||
| And use the referral code ROGAN at checkout to save some money. | ||
| Celebrate innovation with LegalZoom through the end of June and get a special price on trademark, copyright, or provincial patent applications by using the referral code ROGAN at checkout. | ||
| Do it, Doug Stanhope. | ||
| You know you want to. | ||
| Hey, you know that collection of fucking Chewbacca's and other Star Wars memorabilia that's your only valuables? | ||
| Who's going to get that if you die? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who's that guy? | |
| Who are you hanging out with? | ||
| We're also brought to you by Jane. | ||
| Talking to the listeners. | ||
| Yeah, they... | ||
| I don't think there's a lot of dudes out there. | ||
| You don't want your stepmother getting those collectibles. | ||
| Go to LegalZoom. | ||
| Get a will. | ||
| What if they're signed? | ||
| Who is Chewbacca? | ||
| Everybody knows who Han Solo was. | ||
| Oh, I have him in the death pool. | ||
| Stand-up celebrity death pool. | ||
| Hey, I got a plug. | ||
| Chewbacca is actually a seven-foot dude that's aging now, and I was going to take him in my death pool, and then Joby, the guy who runs it, He said, I already got him. | ||
| We did some insider trading. | ||
| You can't all have the same guys. | ||
| They're like Great Danes. | ||
| Seven foot guys at 60 years old? | ||
| No, you're not around for long. | ||
| Yeah, somebody asked that to Wilt Chamberlain. | ||
| He went up to Wilt Chamberlain and was having a conversation with him. | ||
| It's like, you know, guys that are as tall as you, they don't really live forever. | ||
| And apparently Wilt Chamberlain was like, hey man, fuck you. | ||
| Was it Stuttering John? | ||
| I don't know who it was, but it was rude. | ||
| And true, apparently. | ||
| It's hard to pump all that blood up into that ticker, seven foot tall dude. | ||
| If I was seven foot tall, I'd be in bed right now. | ||
| My legs over my heart. | ||
| Does the reverse work? | ||
| If you're like a small person, do you live longer? | ||
| No, no, they die quick too. | ||
| I went a lot of Guinness Book in my last Death Pool pics. | ||
| What do you go for? | ||
| Do you think midgets would make it to 100? | ||
| What's a good size to live long? | ||
| It's like 5'4"? | ||
| The world average is 5'3", right? | ||
| The Chinese tend to live a long time. | ||
| I know Brian, my fucking filthy Scotsman manager, is chomping at the bit because he knows all these dumb facts. | ||
| But he said Mediterranean people tend to live the longest. | ||
| I think that's a diet thing though, right? | ||
| The Asians. | ||
| Fruit and fish. | ||
| They get around a lot of other nice people. | ||
| They have these villages. | ||
| They all know each other. | ||
| There's a lot of love that apparently actually extends lifespan. | ||
| Less stress. | ||
| Yeah, a lot less stress. | ||
| Very Bisbee-like, Doug Stanhope. | ||
| A lot of things that they don't account for when they just generalize people. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| They say Asians don't get a lot of lung cancer, but they have no dairy in their diet. | ||
| So they take those two things. | ||
| They go, well, I won't drink milk and eat cheese, and I'll just keep chain-smoking, and I'll be Japanese forever. | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about, but we're also brought to you by Ting. | ||
| And if you go to rogan.ting.com, you can save yourself some money on some excellent cell phone service, Doug Stanhope. | ||
| Ting uses a sprint backbone, which means these sound so goofy when you're doing them in the middle. | ||
| When you have to look at your friends when you're doing them. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Tom and I will just stare at you blankly and roll our eyes. | ||
| We'll thumb wrestle while he does the commercials. | ||
| I'm not embarrassed to do a goddamn commercial. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| The only way you get paid is if you do a commercial. | ||
| They have that new Galaxy S5 on there, though, with the thumbprint scanner and all the heart rate monitor. | ||
| Yeah, you know, you can do that on an iPhone, too. | ||
| Actually, you do that on almost any phone that has a camera. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They have these applications. | ||
| It reads the flash. | ||
| Jamie showed it to me. | ||
| It reads the flash from the phone, apparently lights up your thumb, and through that, the camera can see the actual blood pumping in your finger. | ||
| And so that's how it reads your actual heartbeat from an application on a regular phone. | ||
| I just want to stay alive to see what shit is like in 20 years. | ||
| Technology is so incredible now. | ||
| What's it going to be like in 20 years? | ||
| Lighter? | ||
| My cigarettes. | ||
| I have a full pack of cigarettes somewhere. | ||
| How accurate is that? | ||
| Super accurate. | ||
| Super accurate. | ||
| Yeah, it's dead on. | ||
| I've tried it with that and a heart rate monitor at the same time. | ||
| It's dead on. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| You know what I've heard about Ting is they're fantastic. | ||
| Oh, you haven't heard that. | ||
| Don't bullshit people, Doug Stanhope. | ||
| Who is trending on Twitter? | ||
| What Ting does is they rent time on the Sprint Backbone, but they do it in a way where you can cancel anytime you want, you own your phone, it's not any bullshit where you have to... | ||
| Pay them back $300. | ||
| No contracts? | ||
| No contracts. | ||
| Fucking scam. | ||
| Biggest scam in the world. | ||
| Not only that, no early termination fees, which is another big scam. | ||
| Here's another scam. | ||
| The actual minutes. | ||
| When they charge you X minutes, you get 50 minutes per month and this amount of data. | ||
| The reality is, a lot of times, you pay for way more than you're using. | ||
| You're not using a lot of your minutes. | ||
| With Ting, you only pay for what you use. | ||
| It really is a great way to do it. | ||
| You don't have a... | ||
| You know, $250 a month bill or whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| It's like if you were out of the country, if you were only making a few calls in a week, if you say, you know what? | ||
| I'm not even fucking texting people anymore. | ||
| Your shit will drop down to nothing. | ||
| Ting is like a good bookie. | ||
| It's $20. | ||
| Just let it ride. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| Well, you need your phone, Doug Stanhope. | ||
| You can live out in the middle of nowhere, but you're going to have a fucking phone on you. | ||
| And even you switched over to a smartphone, you devilish bastard. | ||
| Yes, I did. | ||
| You hung into that flip phone. | ||
| I got turned on to Uber, but even my Uber doesn't work right, so it's not me. | ||
| Brian put Uber on my phone, and he goes, no, put it on your phone, because he's a cheap fuck. | ||
| That's a good Scottish accent, dude. | ||
| You're a wizard with that accent. | ||
| I'm a perfect Brian. | ||
| Brian Hennigan doesn't even have a proper Scottish accent. | ||
| What's it doing, Doug? | ||
| It tells me I'm somewhere else. | ||
| It told me I was in fucking North Hollywood when I was in West Hollywood. | ||
| I could show you, fix that for you. | ||
| Yeah, there's probably something wrong with you. | ||
| You probably are hiding some shit from the government, so it doesn't know exactly where you are. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| You hide some of those location services because you're worried they're going to fucking close in on you. | ||
| Living off the grid is as easy as not knowing how to use your fucking cell phone. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| Let's go bust this guy. | ||
| He's in North Hollywood. | ||
| No, I'm not. | ||
| I just don't know how to use Uber. | ||
| Yeah, go to rogan.ting.com. | ||
| Save $25. | ||
| I love Ting. | ||
| Rogan.ting.com. | ||
| We don't need any more commercials. | ||
| It's the cell phone they used in space. | ||
| No, they didn't. | ||
| That's Tang. | ||
| Oh, you funny... | ||
|
unidentified
|
We good? | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day Ting, not to be confused with Tang Tang, remember when we were kids? | ||
| What if they partnered up? | ||
| You could sip the delicious juice while you use it. | ||
| No, your cup doubles as a phone. | ||
| Your Tang cup. | ||
| They sell you pimp-style Tang cups with rhinestones around them. | ||
| Remember when we were kids, Tang was like the big thing? | ||
| Yeah, it came from the space program. | ||
| Like it made it good? | ||
| Tang was fucking terrible. | ||
| Dog shit, fake orange juice. | ||
| Maybe they'll sell MREs as a great dinner. | ||
| That was one of the first product placement things. | ||
| The Tang people, that wasn't good for people. | ||
| It was ridiculous. | ||
| And they sold that as the astronaut drink. | ||
| Proper nutrition. | ||
| Generations of Americans drank that shit. | ||
| It was homemade Gatorade. | ||
| Yeah, the watered down shitty Gatorade. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Without the electrolytes. | |
| Yeah, Tang's... | ||
| I'm gonna be an astronaut. | ||
| Is Tang still around? | ||
| Is Tang still around? | ||
| I'm sure it is. | ||
| Let's find out if Tang's still around. | ||
| Yeah, it's still around. | ||
| You know, if people today... | ||
| Poor people somewhere are drinking it. | ||
| People today are so unimpressed. | ||
| If Tang was like, yeah, it's the astronaut program. | ||
| They're like, bitch, where's your astronauts now? | ||
| YouTube comments like, where's your astronauts? | ||
| Who's going to the moon? | ||
| Yeah, the last famous astronaut was a stalker racing from Florida to Houston to stab a lover or something. | ||
| Well, I've been doing a bit. | ||
| Wearing a diaper. | ||
| Wearing a diaper so she didn't have to stop. | ||
| I wish Bingo could learn that trick. | ||
| She drove the entire time and she shit herself. | ||
| She was an astronaut. | ||
| She was crazy. | ||
| Oh yeah, bitch was crazy. | ||
| Tang the drink. | ||
| Seems like it's still around. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Most of that shit, if you look it up, you can buy it. | ||
| If you can't find it in a store, you can find it online. | ||
| Quisp cereal and... | ||
| Old candy. | ||
| We're talking about marathon bars. | ||
| There's an original Tang. | ||
| Tang is sold in both powdered and ready-to-drink form. | ||
| Oh, new Tang is where they jump the shark. | ||
| You can get original Tang now. | ||
| Yeah, you could actually buy a sugar-free version of Tang containing aspartame. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hmm. | |
| Oh, let's put more cancer in your diabetes. | ||
| Hey, listen, Doug Stano, there's 10% of the RDA of vitamin A, calcium, vitamin E, and riboflavin. | ||
| 10%? | ||
| 10%. | ||
| So 10 glasses of tang and you're covered. | ||
| That's almost half what Cocoa Puffs has. | ||
| It's got 100% of your vitamin C. Oh, that's actually pretty good. | ||
| 100% of your vitamin C is not that much, though. | ||
| The people that think you should take vitamin C think you should take a good amount of it. | ||
| Like, take that shit all the time. | ||
| But, Doug Stanhub, you just take cigarettes and you're fine. | ||
| This week I've been bad, but I quit a lot. | ||
| You quit a lot? | ||
| You held it back? | ||
| Have you ever tried the electronic route? | ||
| Yeah, we've talked about this. | ||
| Red Band said he was coughing up blood. | ||
| They're a lot better now, like the newer ones are. | ||
| No, they're terrible, because I quit a month ago, and I made it two weeks, and I tried like four different brands, and I was sucking on them constantly. | ||
| And I was off the cigs for a couple of weeks, but my lungs were killing me at one point. | ||
| Then it comes a point where you're like, well, fuck, give me a cigarette, because you're just getting like blasts and blasts of nicotine, like more nicotine than you would be getting from just having a cigarette. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I did great when I was at home alone. | ||
| I had like six weeks off and I mean it was full weeks I didn't smoke and then sometimes someone would show up at my house that smokes and I'd steal a cigarette so I'd smoke a couple and then six weeks of 95% quit smoking went on the road and I'm like alright now I'm just gonna bum them from the fucking opening acts? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Whoever I find outside smoking, I send Bingo out to go get me a couple cigarettes before the show, and this week it's just after the fucking first night of party we were talking about. | ||
| I'm buying packs. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Once you say fuck it, and that's the problem with being a comic, is you're inclined to say fuck it more often than not because it seems like the comic choice. | ||
| You know, and you're in that situation, and you're like, come on, what's the fuck? | ||
| This show must go on. | ||
| I think there's a point. | ||
| I quit a month ago, and I made it two weeks, and I wasn't working. | ||
| And it was once I went back, and I did shows in Atlanta, and I was bumming them off the staff, and then I was in Minneapolis the next weekend after that, and snuck a pack, and then just said, fuck it. | ||
| Because I was doing shows, and that's my rhythm, and having a cig, and getting ready. | ||
| You have a cigar on stage while you're doing shows? | ||
| No, I don't want to influence the kids. | ||
| But like before and after. | ||
| That was a thing where at the comedy store it was a big deal because guys would smoke on stage and the audience members couldn't smoke because there was a provision in the law as a part of the performance you're allowed to smoke. | ||
| But I think they dropped that. | ||
| I don't think they allowed you to do that anymore. | ||
| I remember because I did that the... | ||
| Immediately I was doing that when they passed it in California. | ||
| Once I found out about that law, and I was doing it in Minneapolis, and then a bar started doing that as a night where smokers could be on stage, so the place is just all smoky, but you had to be on the stage. | ||
| Everyone's part of the performance. | ||
| They pushed it so far into their face that they changed the law, and I think most places have changed the law. | ||
| Yeah, that sucks. | ||
| They fucked it up. | ||
| Remember when we started, the clubs, everyone smoked in the 80s. | ||
| Honestly, I didn't mind back then. | ||
| I loved it. | ||
| The smoke would dance in the spotlight. | ||
| You're on stage. | ||
| It was sexy. | ||
| It was like a film noir movie. | ||
| There is something about it, man. | ||
| And pool halls as well. | ||
| I don't like it. | ||
| I don't like cigarettes. | ||
| I think they're disgusting. | ||
| And it scares me when I see my friend smoke because I know you're going to die ugly. | ||
| I know you're going to die ugly and I love you. | ||
| I tell this guy all the time. | ||
| I love him, but he smokes. | ||
| And when I see him smoke, I get scared. | ||
| I get scared that you're locked up in a wrestling match with a dragon. | ||
| It's a dark demon that's going to slowly rot you out from the insides and it tricks you into doing it. | ||
| It sucks you into its web with habit and novelty and the idea that it's beautiful, the fucking smoke and suck it in. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's one thing. | ||
| And then the other thing is it becomes a part of your body. | ||
| It becomes a part of you. | ||
| You need it. | ||
| It becomes your system. | ||
| Your body gets integrated into accepting this. | ||
| I feel like I got my equipment. | ||
| I don't know, something about having a pack of cigarettes and a lighter on me? | ||
| Well, listen, I'm not judging. | ||
| I have friends that smoke. | ||
| You feel like you're all set. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm just telling you my feelings. | |
| You're all set. | ||
| You're secure. | ||
| I got what I need. | ||
| Retirement? | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| I get a carton. | ||
| And I'm a hypocrite because I like smoking weed. | ||
| And I don't think smoking weed is bad for you. | ||
| It's certainly not bad for you in the same way. | ||
| Now, once the cigarette companies get a hold of it. | ||
| Either way, I don't think it's the best thing for you. | ||
| Is it the best thing in the world for you to smoke a plant? | ||
| I thought you went straight to vaporizer and edibles. | ||
| I do those too. | ||
| I like edibles the most. | ||
| I just watched you smoke, so shut the fuck up. | ||
| No, no, I do that, too. | ||
| I mean, me. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| But I'm hypocritical in that sense, because, like, smoking's not good. | ||
| It's not good to smoke something. | ||
| You know, anything we... | ||
| Like, Diaz, like, stopped smoking. | ||
| He only eats it and uses a vaporizer. | ||
| Because he said his lungs started feeling way better once he did that. | ||
| I believe it. | ||
| And the edibles, as someone who doesn't live in California, the edibles here are ridiculous. | ||
| You got every candy, Jolly Rancher candy, weed, York peppermint patties, anything you can think of, they've duplicated exactly like candy or popsicles. | ||
| Well, there's a little bit of an issue. | ||
| There is a little bit of an issue with it. | ||
| It's beautiful that it exists. | ||
| And I'm a complete libertarian in the idea that you should be able to... | ||
| You almost lit your filter. | ||
| The weed culture in California is so more evolved than Amsterdam. | ||
| They're so powerful that it's really like an intense psychedelic. | ||
| If you eat one of these pot brownies or these chibichus, they have these chibichus that are like seven, how many, what is the milligrams? | ||
| Take one-fourth if you don't want to die as fast. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, they're insane. | ||
| If you take the whole, it's one candy, and if you take that one candy, you will re-experience your entire life. | ||
| From the moment you were an egg and the cum washed over you and turned you into two eggs and your cells started dividing. | ||
| That's the ride I'm looking for. | ||
| Could you take one of these candies? | ||
| Could you take, say, one of these candies? | ||
| Say you already have a pre-existing condition, a mental illness, say, and say you're at a rock star's house trying to get a podcast and you're doing incredible amounts of blow and you go home with a little bit of that blow and then... | ||
| You do the rest of that blow while your boyfriend's sleeping, preparing for the Bill Burr podcast, and you also eat an edible while you have a pre-existing condition. | ||
| Could you spiral into such a catatonic state that the landlord from the Airbnb that you're staying in comes in to talk to you and you won't respond to him, so your boyfriend and your tour manager have to put you in bed where you piss the bed in your first Airbnb and then it takes you 24 hours to come out of said catatonic state? | ||
| If I had a guess, I could say that could happen. | ||
| Hypothetically? | ||
| Did Marilyn Manson give you a gift bag when you left? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That could happen. | |
| Cocaine and edibles? | ||
| It wasn't me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That could totally happen. | |
| It wasn't me. | ||
| Skin moisturizer? | ||
| It wasn't me. | ||
| You gotta be careful with that shit. | ||
| I had to check her text messages, and it said, well, hey, we'll be there on time. | ||
| I just stand up sleeping, and I just ate a pot candy, and then I see an empty baggie, and I'm like, you did all that? | ||
| And now... | ||
| They can get you. | ||
| They can get you and take you on a ride. | ||
| You're not going to be capable of going out, just doing things, going to the airport, getting your clothes on. | ||
| You're not going to be capable. | ||
| No. | ||
| And that's just, you could buy it at any store. | ||
| Go buy one of these cupcakes. | ||
| Buy one of these rocket cookies. | ||
| Take this cookie and go right to the center of the fucking universe. | ||
| I mean, they're intense psychedelics. | ||
| We've talked about it before, but the chemical processes, when you eat it... | ||
| Wait, is this ground already worked over on the Joe Rogan experience? | ||
| Hot cookies? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We've talked about it a few times. | ||
| I know it sounds crazy. | ||
| It seems so novel. | ||
| I was at the clubs in LA. People at home are going, go back to Ting! | ||
| What about Ting again? | ||
| If you eat that shit, it'll hurt you. | ||
| It'll hurt you. | ||
| You gotta be real careful. | ||
| I've seen comedians all over LA with those little pen vaporizer things. | ||
| That's different. | ||
| That's not eating it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you're eating it, you're getting this 11-hydroxy metabolite. | |
| I always assumed those were e-cigarettes that everyone has. | ||
| Those are little weed vaporizers. | ||
| And they hit like a motherfucker. | ||
| They do hit like a motherfucker, but there's both. | ||
| That's the product I want to endorse. | ||
| That should be their slogan. | ||
| Hits like a motherfucker. | ||
| I don't think that's a good move. | ||
| If I read Hits Like a Motherfucker, I'd be like, who is the guy that's making this? | ||
| That's all he could come up with. | ||
| But in podcasting, you could probably get copy like that. | ||
| Where you have to read that. | ||
| This kicked me in the balls like a motherfucker. | ||
| You should buy this. | ||
| This will take you on a ride to the center of the universe, my man. | ||
| And my man would be highlighted. | ||
| You know, feel free to use your own colloquialism. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| When you were about to start, Red Band said, okay, we're live. | ||
| And you go, oh shit, we're live. | ||
| Oh, don't say anything. | ||
| You were making a joke. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Oh, don't say anything. | ||
| We're live. | ||
| It's opposite. | ||
| Yesterday, I fell in love with a man. | ||
| Fucking Bert Kreischer. | ||
| He's a great man. | ||
| I clicked with him so quickly. | ||
| Is it the first time you met him? | ||
| No, I've met him before, but we never really hung out. | ||
| Oh, he's the best. | ||
| He's a sweetie. | ||
| And I knew that... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a sweetie. | ||
| Fucking wicked man crush right away. | ||
| His house is just like my house down to the... | ||
| I walked in. | ||
| I knew exactly where his booze stash was. | ||
| I'm like, I'm just... | ||
| I'm going to make a drink. | ||
| He's... | ||
| Anyway, fucking fell in love with the guy. | ||
| He's a sweetie. | ||
| We had to pause and go to break where we'd talk about shit. | ||
| And then we'd come back on the air. | ||
| And there's certain stuff you can't talk about? | ||
| Like trash talking other comics. | ||
| Come back on the air. | ||
| Well, he's on the Travel Channel, too. | ||
| And the Travel Channel is owned by some religious folks. | ||
| Oh yeah, not like that, but... | ||
| But that is a problem. | ||
| He's got to be real careful about what he does. | ||
| I'm trying to make a drink. | ||
| I mean, he doesn't smoke weed. | ||
| But if he did, he wouldn't do it on Ustream. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| Who owns the Travel Channel? | ||
| Somebody that loves the baby Jesus. | ||
| Allegedly. | ||
| I might be just talking shit. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| This is what I've read from Anthony Bourdain. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Certain conversations I might have had with him. | ||
| Oh, did you have Bourdain on the show? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I love that guy. | ||
| You know, his wife is a jiu-jitsu fanatic. | ||
| That's my in. | ||
| That's how I got to meet Bourdain. | ||
| He followed me or retweeted me or something, and I was so starstruck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's the best. | |
| He's following me. | ||
| He's a sweetie. | ||
| If you met the guy, you would love him. | ||
| He's a sweetie. | ||
| His show, since he's gone to CNN, I guess they had, you know, visa access. | ||
| His show's just gone to a whole different level now. | ||
| He's like in Myanmar. | ||
| Brian, by the way, I got plans, and one of the plans is flying to New York to do podcasts with people that we can't get to fly out here. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I can't keep asking people to just come out here. | ||
| So guys like Bourdain, I'm going to find out when he's going to be there. | ||
| Well, if they're driving, have him come through Bisbee. | ||
| I'm going to try to use the Sirius studios. | ||
| He should do a highlight on Bisbee. | ||
| Because we were on Sirius. | ||
| We were on Sirius. | ||
| I don't know if you know that. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I listen to it all the time. | ||
| It's the weirdest. | ||
| So I wanted to get Bourdain and a few other guys that live there. | ||
| CK. Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, Louis is just so fucking busy. | ||
| I feel bad asking him. | ||
| Yeah, but he's on Opie and Anthony all the time. | ||
| Yeah, but that's like, you know, when he can in the morning, I'll ask him. | ||
| But I know he's crazy, but he's the most ridiculously busy person I've ever met. | ||
| There's a great bit that I saw that someone made a clip of. | ||
| Him talking about... | ||
| It's really funny. | ||
| It starts him talking about nut allergies, and he compares things that you know to be true, but there's always this, too. | ||
| But maybe... | ||
| It's like, but I know, but maybe. | ||
| It's fucking really funny, man. | ||
| It's really funny. | ||
| I didn't see... | ||
| One of C.K.'s bits, his new bits, off of his new special. | ||
| Goddamn, it was good. | ||
| It was really funny. | ||
| New special, not... | ||
| Yeah, the new one was in Phoenix in the theater in the round. | ||
| It's really, really good stuff, man. | ||
| You listen to it, you read it, you watch it, and you're like, fuck, I want to go write something. | ||
| This made me want to go write. | ||
| It was really good. | ||
| That's the best thing about it. | ||
| I used to always think that about when Chappelle would come to the store. | ||
| I always wanted to run home and write. | ||
| Anything that gives you that little juice, you want to create too. | ||
| Because you know how good it made you feel. | ||
| The last time I saw Chappelle at the store, it was like the height of his popularity. | ||
| Before he had quit the Comedy Central show, he would just show up maybe the day before they would schedule this, and he would just be mobbed, and he was in the main room. | ||
| And he... | ||
| It was so funny and so, like, I hadn't seen him in like six months and it was all new shit. | ||
| It was like 100% new. | ||
| It was like a new hour. | ||
| And you left there just going, God damn, I need to go to work. | ||
| I want to go right. | ||
| He had that gift, I'll say in a very fucking stupid way. | ||
| But he's one of those guys, he talks funny anyway, so he already has a leg up. | ||
| You said it best that Diaz could read the phone book. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So he has that already, but he can write too. | ||
| So if it's new shit, what would be filler to him would be a closer to me. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Diaz has, I mean, I don't want to give up any of his material, but he's got this bit about this chick named Lucy Snorbush. | ||
| He's told the story on the podcast, but now he's turned into a bit in his act, a true story about him sneaking into her house, climbing into her window and eating her pussy in the middle of the night and then escaping. | ||
| I don't think I've ever laughed as hard in my life. | ||
| We just did Santa Barbara together, and I was watching him on stage, and he's doing this Lucy Snorbusch thing, and I'm having a hard time catching my breath. | ||
| Legitimately having a hard time catching my breath. | ||
| I saw Diaz in San Francisco, and he was doing that bit where he punches a hooker, and the audience is dying. | ||
| In San Francisco, they're usually really touchy about, like, who can get a laugh? | ||
| The dude with the wig and a black eye. | ||
| There's no support groups for these people. | ||
| He's one of the best ever. | ||
| I can hear him saying, Lisa Snorbusch. | ||
| Lucy Snorbusch. | ||
| Lucy Snorbusch. | ||
| It was painfully funny. | ||
| Painfully funny. | ||
| He's my all-time favorite out of all the people I've ever seen that have made me laugh the hardest. | ||
| Not a single person has ever made me laugh harder than Diaz. | ||
| Me and Kreischer were picking our ultimate four-man tour with a wildcard fuck-up. | ||
| He picked Diaz as his fuck-up. | ||
| I have to see him. | ||
| Diaz is so good that I started taking two guys on the road with me during the dark days when Diaz would just go vanish in the middle of the night. | ||
| But he was so good that I said, okay, I need a backup opener. | ||
| So I would bring two openers because there was too many times when Diaz just vanished. | ||
| He just would disappear. | ||
| You just couldn't call him. | ||
| I got booked like that for Otto and George, where they wanted to book Otto and George, but they needed to co-headline him so if he didn't show up, there was another X-rated act that could fit the fucking marquee. | ||
| You gotta do that, man, unfortunately, with some guys, but they're worth it. | ||
| And now he's super reliable. | ||
| Now every gig, he's there. | ||
| I'm too old to disappear! | ||
| Well, he's just into comedy now. | ||
| I think for the first time in his life, he's being recognized for what he does, and he's enjoying creating new shit. | ||
| He's enjoying being a comic. | ||
| When I talk to him about it, he's got a lot of other success. | ||
| He's always getting called into movies and shit. | ||
| He did that grudge match. | ||
| I sat through the grudge match just because I knew he was in it. | ||
| He's having a lot of those that are happening to him, but the big thing is his stand-up, man. | ||
| His stand-up. | ||
| He's selling out everywhere. | ||
| He deserves it. | ||
| Yeah, fuck yeah. | ||
| What a difference when the audience already loves you when you get there, instead of having to win them over. | ||
| It's a complete different animal. | ||
| Dude, he went on stage in Santa Barbara when we worked together, and I've taken some of his openings where I introduce him and then I film it, like watching him go on stage. | ||
| I put him on YouTube because they're so ridiculous. | ||
| He goes on stage and people standing up, like bowing to him, screaming. | ||
| Like 2,000 people screaming and bowing to Joey Diaz. | ||
| That's so good. | ||
| And for a guy like that to finally get that, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, I... And it's always great to see a guy that age. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he deserves it, though, man. | ||
| Coming in on his own. | ||
| He's an animal, dude. | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| If I could hire a 24-hour nurse to keep him alive, I would. | ||
| I just don't think he would... | ||
| Get the fuck out of that! | ||
| Listen, I'm Cuban. | ||
| I'm never gonna die. | ||
| Get out of here, bitch! | ||
| Kick him out of his house. | ||
| You gotta, like, find out... | ||
| A guy like that, you gotta take care of in a gentle fashion. | ||
| You've got to figure out how to keep him alive. | ||
| Trick him. | ||
| Trick him. | ||
| Put that pill in a piece of cheese. | ||
| Find some fucking new drugs and put it in his ice cream. | ||
| Take it and put it in something, some new thing, regenerative tissue thing that the government invents. | ||
| Just throw it in his food. | ||
| Hey, uh, Brian told me the other night, you're getting your blood re-injected? | ||
| Was that bullshit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| You fucker. | ||
| No, it was true. | ||
| Well, it's not your blood re-injected. | ||
| It's called Regina King. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It was invented by this German guy. | ||
| It's your blood, they spit in a centrifuge and they heat it up. | ||
| So you take your blood out and then you whip it in this machine. | ||
| We're doing ad copy again? | ||
| No. | ||
| ReginaGene.com. | ||
| There's a guy named Dr. Peter Weller, I believe his name is. | ||
| He developed this process for dealing with inflammation. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wasn't he Robocop? | |
| That's the other guy. | ||
| You know, you might be right. | ||
| I might have the wrong guy. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| I'll do the ad while you look it up. | ||
| It's not an ad! | ||
| ReginaGene.com. | ||
| Are you tired of looking at those Cenogenics guys? | ||
| Half naked in a SkyMall catalog? | ||
| Oh, Douglas. | ||
| This will make your face young, too. | ||
| Oh, Douglas. | ||
| Anybody that's in pain, it can be a tremendous help. | ||
| It's the most potent anti-inflammatory drug that human beings have ever figured out. | ||
| So you're doing this? | ||
| Well, I did it a few times. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It was all these professional athletes. | ||
| That is so Keith Richards of you. | ||
| I have an anti-inflammatory drug. | ||
| It's called alcoholism, and it works on my penis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't think it works. | |
| It works. | ||
| It hasn't been inflamed in years. | ||
| Peter Welling, you're right. | ||
| It's Welling. | ||
| What did you say? | ||
| I said Weller. | ||
| No, what did you say to me? | ||
| You're right? | ||
| Sweetie, I love you. | ||
| You're right always. | ||
| I'm blushing. | ||
| I refer to you more than I refer to myself. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| But he was a guy in Germany who figured this shit out. | ||
| They take your blood and they heat it. | ||
| And your blood has a reaction while it's still viable. | ||
| It has a reaction to the heat as if it's got a fever. | ||
| And it creates this intense anti-inflammatory response. | ||
| So it's in the very blood itself. | ||
| They take it out of your body. | ||
| They heat it. | ||
| They spin it. | ||
| And then it creates this yellow shit. | ||
| And this yellow shit, they pull it out. | ||
| And they call it something Regenikine Serum. | ||
| I don't know the technical. | ||
| And then they squirt it into anywhere you have arthritis, anywhere you have any kind of swelling, inflammation. | ||
| And it has like a magical response. | ||
| That's why all these athletes got Peyton Manning back in a football. | ||
| He had two neck surgeries, and he was fucked. | ||
| He went to Germany, and he got this procedure done on his neck, and it just fixed it. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I was talking to Sean Rouse. | ||
| I don't know if you know him. | ||
| Serious arthritis. | ||
| Yeah, and he wants to talk to you about it. | ||
| I'd love to talk to him about it. | ||
| If you look at his hands, he needs to break all his hands, go to his operations. | ||
| No, he's got some serious arthritis. | ||
| Yeah, Sean, Jesus Christ, he's got the most crippling arthritis. | ||
| Which, I should say, because of Sean Rouse, I saw a young comedian get knocked the fuck out the other night at the comedy store. | ||
| Somebody got knocked out by an audience member? | ||
| I was sitting there with Sean... | ||
| Jason Rouse, Canadian guy who lived in London, and J.J. Whitehead, Canadian guys at the other end, and then Sean, and he was plastered, man. | ||
| Who was Rouse? | ||
| Sean Rouse. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah, he's sitting there. | ||
| This story just lost all credibility. | ||
| I'm talking to, there's a guy from Boston, Mike Favorman or whatever. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| This tall, young, open mic comedian, we found out he was an open miker later, comes up. | ||
| I thought he knew Jason and JJ because of the way he's making fun of them. | ||
| One guy, Jason's got a lot of tats. | ||
| He's making stupid tattoo jokes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I'm kind of talking to Mike from Boston. | ||
| Was Chaley there? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Chaley wasn't there. | ||
| He had left earlier. | ||
| We heard that Rouse was really fucked up. | ||
| Rouse was. | ||
| Yeah, he was plastered. | ||
| So anyway, this fucking... | ||
| Tom Rhodes, bronze medalist in story editing. | ||
| This comedian, the guy, turns to Sean very grandly to the table and he goes, I'm sorry to bother you, gentlemen. | ||
| I just couldn't pass up the chance to meet Moby. | ||
| And he, like, sticks his hand out to Sean, who's all fucked up and can barely lift his head. | ||
| This kid was a fucking douche. | ||
| And Mike from Boston's got, like, the kind of taxi driver newsstand guy hat on. | ||
| And then the kid grandly turns... | ||
| There's a table of veteran comedians sitting here. | ||
| Grandly turns to Mike and he goes, I'll be seeing you in the morning when I come to pick up my newspaper. | ||
| Faberman? | ||
| You said it to Faberman? | ||
| He said it to Faberman. | ||
| Oh, Faberman doesn't play. | ||
| I turned and this kid was being such, and I was joking around when I said it. | ||
| I turn to Mike and I go, I'll give you $20 if you punch this kid in the face. | ||
| And his comedic timing was brilliant! | ||
| He didn't miss, just BOOM! And this kid went back and it was, all hell broke loose! | ||
| You know what his name was? | ||
| I don't know what the kid's name, but oh my god! | ||
| Faberman is a legit savage. | ||
| He's the wrong guy to fuck with. | ||
| Well, I mean, who this guy? | ||
| And then all this, you know, and he's on the sidewalk. | ||
| Was this in the showroom? | ||
| No, no, out on the patio bar. | ||
| It's like the Wild West there, man. | ||
| Faverman has a story about fucking this maid. | ||
| It's one of the funniest stories I've ever heard in my life. | ||
| Hey, while you sit over there, pull up a picture of Faverman. | ||
| Listen, you don't have to yell at him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just don't know if I... You don't know Mike Faberman? | |
| No. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a good dude. | |
| I just met him recently. | ||
| He's a great dude. | ||
| He had this story about he was beaten off in his hotel room and the maid opened up the door and the maid freaked out. | ||
| He goes, no, no, no, no, come on, shut the door, shut the door, shut the door. | ||
| He's like the only guy ever to get caught beating off and fucking a maid. | ||
| Like, ever. | ||
| Like, he really did it. | ||
| He said, I go, what did she look like? | ||
| Did he pay her? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I go, what did she look like? | ||
| She goes, it was no prize. | ||
| It was no prize. | ||
| Jesus, he looks like Inman. | ||
| Mike's a good dude. | ||
| He's a good dude. | ||
| He's a very good cook. | ||
| Oh, wait, he plays Punchy and Ray Donovan. | ||
| No, he doesn't. | ||
| That picture. | ||
| I know the picture. | ||
| It's the hat, man. | ||
| It was like a movie scene, this kid. | ||
| And he was just, you know. | ||
| Faberman will punch you in your fucking face. | ||
| He's crazy. | ||
| He's always been crazy. | ||
| He's a good dude, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a good dude. | |
| Oh, the wife beater right there. | ||
| There he is with the homeboy from the radio. | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| Oh, which one? | ||
| Oh yeah, uh, uh, Fraser Smith. | ||
| Fraser Smith. | ||
| And Don Barris. | ||
| He's a Boston guy? | ||
| Fraser Smith used to have a radio show here in LA. No, no, Faverman. | ||
| Yeah, he's from Boston originally. | ||
| Yeah, Faverman. | ||
| I was just going to say he looked like the funniest guy at the barbecue, and you switched to a picture of barbecue. | ||
| I hung out with Faberman, Joey Diaz, and Ralphie Mae the day 9-11 happened. | ||
| The day they shut down all the flights, the day the shit hit the fan, we all got high, we went to Baja Fresh, we ate some burritos, and we stared at the sky. | ||
| It's like, dude, there's no planes. | ||
| There's no fucking planes. | ||
| And then we went over to Ralphie's place, and Ralphie and Faberman I lived in the same area. | ||
| Was he a gardener then? | ||
| No, Ralphie. | ||
| By my old place. | ||
| Gardener by coaching horses? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Actually, you know what? | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| We went to Faberman's place and Ralphie came over to buy wheat. | ||
| Because Faberman used to sell wheat. | ||
| That was your September 11th. | ||
| Because you used to live in that same sort of building. | ||
| He's the fattest guy in the world because this is Armageddon and we're going to need to eat someone. | ||
| Faberman had some good weed. | ||
| No, he had some good weed. | ||
| And we were like, well, the world is ending. | ||
| Let's go get fucked up. | ||
| So we went and got high. | ||
| It was me and Diaz and Faberman and Ralphie Mae. | ||
| And it was 2001. It was the day when we were just sitting around Smoking weed talking about how crazy is like this might be a we might be in the middle of a war We were thinking at that moment in time that this is just the beginning the planes flew into buildings But what if shit starts happening left and right? | ||
| Like what if we start seeing missiles headed to LA? What if we see LA hit with a nuke like fuck? | ||
| That's just as likely as two planes flying into buildings in the same day So we were freaking out and we're all getting high together. | ||
| So let's have a special I was in Amsterdam at the zoo Three o'clock at the zoo in Amsterdam is feeding time. | ||
| That's 3 p.m. | ||
| is 9 a.m. | ||
| in New York City. | ||
| And I had been there before for it, and I knew I wanted to be in front of the lion cages at three o'clock when they're throwing the meat out. | ||
| And, like, it's cool. | ||
| The lions start, they can smell the meat in the back, and they start pacing and growling, and there's these metal doors, and they're scratching on it and shit. | ||
| It's pretty cool. | ||
| And then they open the metal doors, and they grab the meat. | ||
| So when the planes hit, I was watching lions rip. | ||
| Raw meat apart. | ||
| Oh, see, I would have assumed all the animals would have run for the hills knowing 9-11 was about to happen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How come they don't do that? | |
| The Netherlands is so open-minded. | ||
| Why don't they feed those animals animals? | ||
| Why do they have to feed them? | ||
| They want to eat animals. | ||
| More important, why is Baja Fresh open on 9-11? | ||
| Baja Fresh supports our troops. | ||
| Our troops need to fuel up some healthy carbs. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Our troops need to fuel up. | ||
| We need beans. | ||
| I need beans and... | ||
| Jalapenos? | ||
| Bah, fresh supports the troops. | ||
| Mike Faberman was the guy that actually put together that boxing match with all the comics. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I never heard... | ||
| How did I not hear about that? | ||
| One of the guys had cerebral palsy, and I was like, that's not good. | ||
| If it's Josh Blue against Crazy Legs Fonseca... | ||
| Either one of those guys should not be hitting each other and then maybe falling on each other and headbutting each other on the way down. | ||
| For fuck's sake, he's in a chair. | ||
| How far can he fall? | ||
| They're both going to get fucked up. | ||
| How did I not hear about a comedy boxing match and when did this happen? | ||
| Oh, it's filmed too. | ||
| He filmed it. | ||
| He's trying to make it a show. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Comedy boxing match. | |
| I know too much about brain damage. | ||
| But how did this happen? | ||
| When did this happen? | ||
| It was a Fabian's idea? | ||
| Yeah, Faberman and Rusty Dooley. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who fought who? | |
| Rusty Dooley. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Rusty Dooley, best six-pack in all of comedy. | ||
| Kid's shredded. | ||
| No doubt. | ||
| I have two three-packs. | ||
| I got a vernal hernia. | ||
| Ventral hernia. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| Yeah, my six-pack split. | ||
| You should get that shit fixed. | ||
| Yeah, I... Bravo had one of those. | ||
| Eddie, he had one of those. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, he did two of them. | ||
| One on each side. | ||
| He had it fixed. | ||
| Never had a problem again. | ||
| Well, I guess ventral just means front. | ||
| I found out through my doctor Google. | ||
| It's pretty intense. | ||
| They put like a webbing. | ||
| Yeah, mesh in your skin, and they sew it in, and they sew the area that's wounded. | ||
| It becomes more strong. | ||
| I got that in my umbilical hernia. | ||
| Then I coughed myself into a groinal hernia that I haven't had fixed. | ||
| And now I have a ventral hernia. | ||
| I showed it to Kreischer on his podcast. | ||
| He took pictures. | ||
| So that'll be up next week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| It's like an alien bursting out of your chest. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| What's it from? | ||
| It's your six-pack splits and your guts start to... | ||
| Only in a position. | ||
| I was trying to stretch my back like I was doing sit-ups. | ||
| You're going to hurt me when you're trying to stretch your back? | ||
| No, no, that's how I noticed it. | ||
| It doesn't hurt or anything. | ||
| Oh, you don't feel anything? | ||
| No, no, I was trying to lean off the back of a bed, like most of my body, and I leaned down, and then my fucking, this hump comes out of my chest like alien, and Bingo looked down at it, and it audibly screamed, and I'm like, oh shit, that can't be good. | ||
| Dude, dude, dude, seriously, imagine if you were really possessed. | ||
| What would you do? | ||
| I wouldn't do a sit-up off the bed and I'd be fine. | ||
| If you sat back and you're like, what the fuck? | ||
| And it's like little jack-o'-lanterns underneath your skin, moving around your stomach. | ||
| What would you do, Doug Stanhope? | ||
| Would you go to Jesus? | ||
| I'd do exactly what I'm doing with this hernia and the other hernia, is ignore it. | ||
| No, you can't ignore a fucking jack-o'-lantern demon living in your gut. | ||
| If you saw it poking through your skin and moving around and laughing at you, you'd have to address it. | ||
| No, I would drink and then... | ||
| Ask Tom. | ||
| When you drink, it's easy to ignore obvious problems. | ||
| That's been my life medical plan. | ||
| My family. | ||
| You don't go to the doctor unless you get a bullet wound. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I just got insurance. | ||
| His family invented the phrase, it's just a flesh wound. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I just got health insurance under the deadline. | ||
| And I actually stopped drinking January 1st. | ||
| I blacked out in Philadelphia. | ||
| Oh, good story. | ||
| And I busted my head open. | ||
| I got six stitches. | ||
| See the nice scar? | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Did they figure out what caused it? | ||
| I got drunk and fell down. | ||
| Hang on, I've heard the story, so I'm going to use this opportunity to piss. | ||
| So you blacked out just because you were drunk and then you fell down? | ||
| Has it ever happened before? | ||
| I mean, for a second. | ||
| Over the years, it's happened a couple times. | ||
| I mean, getting drunk and falling down is one thing, but did you black out? | ||
| I kind of blacked out. | ||
| I was not working. | ||
| I did Helium in Philadelphia for New Year's Eve. | ||
| Great room. | ||
| Had three sold-out shows. | ||
| Fantastic fucking night. | ||
| It wasn't New Year's Eve night. | ||
| I had, because New Year's Eve was on a Wednesday, they had me do the stay for the Friday-Saturday. | ||
| I'm off January 1st, And I went out by myself. | ||
| I actually stayed in and worked all day. | ||
| And then I went out about 8, 9 o'clock and I watched the Fiesta Bowl. | ||
| And I had 10 Sierra Nevadas. | ||
| My brother was at the game. | ||
| And I texted my brother. | ||
| I was texting my brother, great game, love you bro. | ||
| And just fell forward off a stool and hit the tile ground. | ||
| And this guy grabs my arm and he's lifting me up and he goes, we gotta call an ambulance! | ||
| And I go, fuck that. | ||
| I don't have health insurance. | ||
| I woke up once and I hit the ground, by the way. | ||
| But this guy goes, we've got to call an ambulance. | ||
| I go, fuck that. | ||
| I don't have health insurance. | ||
| Don't you dare call an ambulance. | ||
| I go, how far is the hospital? | ||
| He said, two blocks. | ||
| I go, two blocks and you were going to call an ambulance? | ||
| That's like 15 grand. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| So I walked to the hospital, but I didn't have health insurance. | ||
| Had the Obama deadline been January 1st, I'd have been covered. | ||
| Does anybody understand this? | ||
| Do you know anything about it? | ||
| No. | ||
| At some points, I met an insurance person, and I have catastrophic insurance, so if I get really fucked up in a car wreck, they'll cover that. | ||
| Again, I don't go to doctors. | ||
| It's just not something I do. | ||
| I don't either. | ||
| It's probably a good move. | ||
| So I don't have any idea how health insurance works. | ||
| Yeah, no, if I need to get out of a social situation really badly, I'll go to a doctor because I know they're going to go, oh, you have to be admitted right away. | ||
| And I'll go, sorry, honey, I can't go to bed and breakfast with your parents like I promised when I was drunk. | ||
| That's a fucking great strategy. | ||
| As long as you can keep the wheels on it, it's a great strategy. | ||
| Because there's a lot of cars that keep rolling down the hill and they make a lot of squeaky noises, but they still get there somehow. | ||
| How many surgeries have you had? | ||
| Many. | ||
| How many? | ||
| And you're in perfect Europe. | ||
| What kind of insurance do you have? | ||
| That you can get your blood transferred. | ||
| The point is, he's in perfect physical condition, doesn't smoke cigarettes. | ||
| I've had one surgery that I got for free on a trade-out by asking for it on my website. | ||
| Hey, listen, I'm not denying that you make a lot of good points. | ||
| I would never tell anybody to take the path that I've taken. | ||
| Like, physically? | ||
| It's not a good move. | ||
| Yes, you would. | ||
| No, I wouldn't unless you really wanted to. | ||
| But if you tear your knee doing something, don't keep doing it. | ||
| You get six months of rehab. | ||
| I just couldn't wait for the six months to get over. | ||
| I'm always sad when I see a friend that's into MMA because I know he's going to die an ugly death. | ||
| You know, all bullshit aside, I am sad when I see a guy who doesn't know that he shouldn't be doing it. | ||
| There's a lot of guys that wind up, not jiu-jitsu. | ||
| Jiu-jitsu is for anybody. | ||
| Anybody can do jiu-jitsu. | ||
| But competitive MMA, there's some guys that just shouldn't be doing it. | ||
| Good, because at the end of this podcast, Tom and I are going to jiu-jitsu each other in a death match. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's going to be the biggest girl-kicking match in the world. | |
| Slap fight. | ||
| Getting hit is a completely different story, though. | ||
| You know, I've had two knee surgeries. | ||
| I've had a nose surgery. | ||
| Those are like the two big ones. | ||
| Nose surgery? | ||
| Yeah, I've actually had three knee surgeries now that I think about it. | ||
| Because I had two on one knee. | ||
| I had an ACL reconstructed. | ||
| Then I had my meniscus scoped. | ||
| And the other one I had the ACL reconstructed. | ||
| Then I had my nose opened up. | ||
| Because I had a lot of scar tissue in there. | ||
| When you forget surgeries, I remember my cousin did a pilot. | ||
| My cousin did a pilot in 1984 with Christopher Lloyd. | ||
| He's the guy from Back to the Future? | ||
| Yeah, Massachusetts. | ||
| Your snapshot was in the paper in the back row of a thing. | ||
| Everyone talks about it. | ||
| So it was a big deal. | ||
| And I moved to LA. I saw Christopher Lloyd at the bar at the Improv. | ||
| And I went up and I go, hey, I don't know if you remember, I don't want to approach you, but Grant Forsberg is my cousin and you did a television pilot with him in the 80s. | ||
| And he goes, I don't know, I do a lot of TV shows. | ||
| How do you get that fucking... | ||
| Yeah, well, fuck that you forget a TV show, but when you forget surgeries... | ||
| Well, you think about how many TV shows that guy's had. | ||
| I've only had four surgeries. | ||
| Four pretty major ones. | ||
| But you forgot one. | ||
| Actually, now that I think about it, it's three knee surgeries. | ||
| Well, you start treating your body like a car. | ||
| You know, you blow out a tire. | ||
| You go, alright, gotta get another tire. | ||
| Can they fix it? | ||
| As long as they can fix it. | ||
| But shit that gets weird is like spinal shit. | ||
| And that's why I've been getting this Regenikine shit. | ||
| The Regenikine stuff is because of a bulging disc. | ||
| Wait, you haven't stopped Mixed Martial Arts. | ||
| Well, not jiu-jitsu. | ||
| I haven't stopped jiu-jitsu. | ||
| You've gotten into Regina Kane from some Nazi doctor. | ||
| Mengele Jr. has got you on the yellow stuff. | ||
| I had to take a break for like a year from jiu-jitsu because of this injury. | ||
| So I'm trying to get back in shape to do it again. | ||
| It's just too much fun. | ||
| That's why I sympathize with you guys smoking cigarettes. | ||
| I understand what you're doing. | ||
| What I do, the risks I take are a different kind of physical. | ||
| You're going to see Sean Rouse shaking in an alley, scratching his arm. | ||
| I need some more of the yellow shit, man. | ||
| Heat my blood. | ||
| I need more of the yellow shit. | ||
| It's not cheap. | ||
| That's the other problem. | ||
| Is Rouse making money? | ||
| Do you think Obamacare will take care of it? | ||
| Oh, suck your dick, man. | ||
| Sean, you're not that young anymore. | ||
| I saw. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think it is. | ||
| I don't think it's covered by any insurance. | ||
| It's what's called off-label. | ||
| I saw. | ||
| You can only buy it in Bitcoin. | ||
| It's that kind of thing. | ||
| Dogecoin. | ||
| You can use Dogecoin too. | ||
| They're now accepting. | ||
| Dogecoin. | ||
| I made from that thing with that dude. | ||
| It was over $2,000. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| $2,100 going to him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We had people donate Bitcoin, and I would treat the Bitcoin like it was real money, and then I would take whatever anybody donated in Bitcoin and send it to my friend who's living in the Congo. | ||
| And he's helping pygmies in the Congo, building the wells and shit. | ||
| So he's going to send, you know, it's going to be real. | ||
| Actually, fuck it, I'll double it. | ||
| Whatever it is, I'll double it. | ||
| Whatever they have, alright. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Whatever other people put in, I'll put in the exact same amount. | ||
| So I think it's like $2,100. | ||
| It's pretty cool. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's great. | |
| Because the guy's living in the Congo, you know, he used to be a mixed martial arts fighter, and he just went down there for like a vacation just to see what it was like, and he fell in love with these people, like this idea that these people in the Congo, these pygmies, are these like really suppressed people that are forced to work in mines, and they don't have any, no one's taking care of them, there's no medicine, there's no water, they don't have clean water, so he's building them wells and shit, and it's really amazing. | ||
| It's amazing shit. | ||
| Joe, do you want to put a disclaimer, though? | ||
| Like, a maximum amount? | ||
| Because you don't want to be like, I don't want to go bankrupt. | ||
| If it's more than, like, 50 grand, you can go fuck yourself. | ||
| If it gets crazy. | ||
| I like the Pygmies, but come on. | ||
| Yeah, because, I mean, it's Bitcoin. | ||
| Some guy's just like, oh, yeah, here's $2 billion. | ||
| I don't know what it's really... | ||
| That's what's weird about it. | ||
| It's like, it varies. | ||
| Like, one day it'll be worth $2,900. | ||
| Or $1,900. | ||
| The other day it'll be worth $2,100. | ||
| It totally varies from day to day. | ||
| Ew. | ||
| It's strange. | ||
| It's like, it makes a lot of sense. | ||
| If you don't know what it is, do you know what it is at all? | ||
| You ever follow it? | ||
| The Bitcoin thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's really hard to follow. | ||
| No, I can't. | ||
| I can't do basic math. | ||
| Well, it's not even that. | ||
| We had this guy, Andreas Antonopoulos, explain it to us in very clear terms. | ||
| We still were like... | ||
| He explained it. | ||
| But essentially, it's got a very set number of bitcoins that exist. | ||
| And so inflation is sort of removed from the equation. | ||
| Like the gold standard. | ||
| It's sort of similar. | ||
| Which I don't understand. | ||
| I don't understand either. | ||
| But it's all done on computers. | ||
| It's all like ones and zeros. | ||
| You know, I don't know if it's a good idea, I don't know if it's a bad idea, but it seems to be at least a person could... | ||
| It's like, we all agree. | ||
| Like, you live in a small town, so I think in a small town you get a better sense of community. | ||
| And we kind of all agree that, you know, like, if you go to a place and they're selling sandwiches, like, how much are the sandwiches? | ||
| Five bucks? | ||
| That sounds right. | ||
| That sounds right. | ||
| Makes sense. | ||
| But if we didn't have money... | ||
| And we had to use some sort of a barter system, we'd still figure out what's worth what. | ||
| You know, that's what we would do. | ||
| How many sandwiches are available? | ||
| Yeah, but we're trapped in this idea that money is the only way to do it. | ||
| Dollars, quarters, fives, twenty, this is the only way to do it. | ||
| But it's not the only way to do it. | ||
| If enough fucking people agree to go this Bitcoin route, it's already established. | ||
| Like, this is a real possibility. | ||
| And everybody's poo-pooing it like it's a joke. | ||
| And it is kind of a joke in some ways. | ||
| Enough people are getting the joke. | ||
| Yeah, you're right. | ||
| Magic the Gathering was the big server that went down. | ||
| Wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| You had a Magic the Gathering exchange and it became one of the biggest Bitcoin sites in the world? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Like, Magic didn't have the right security, the whole thing is set up wrong, winds up losing 350 million plus dollars in bitcoins, like the direct equivalent of... | ||
| Like, the guy gets robbed, and everybody who has their money in this exchange just gets fucking robbed. | ||
| But it's still going. | ||
| It's still going. | ||
| See how he can just shut us down? | ||
| We want to throw in some fucking smart-ass bars, but he just gets all smart on us, and we have to sit there. | ||
| I'm not going to get smart. | ||
| I want you to get goofy. | ||
| But this is a fascinating thing in our time. | ||
| We're seeing an alternative to dollars. | ||
| The first viable alternative. | ||
| Everyone goes to, what, internet currency, and then someone could easily rob your banks or everything, right? | ||
| That's what they're doing with regular money, though. | ||
| Or you could just lose your iPhone. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have an alternative to money. | ||
| Hey, I'll put you on the guest list. | ||
| You write the number down. | ||
| All you have to do is write the number down. | ||
| It's not that hard. | ||
| Oh, great. | ||
| Another currency. | ||
| I'm broken. | ||
| But it's not that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There you go. | |
| Hey, good smart-ass Barb, sir. | ||
| You guys are teaming up on my strategy to introduce new ideas. | ||
| You and your ability to retain knowledge. | ||
| Rub it in our face. | ||
| It's not. | ||
| I retain knowledge. | ||
| I retain information. | ||
| So the knowledge of it, the reason why I keep talking about it over and over again is that knowledge is not sinking in. | ||
| So I don't really get it. | ||
| So I talk about it over and over again and see your reaction to it and you're like, whoa, that's fucking crazy. | ||
| And then, slowly but surely, it becomes knowledge. | ||
| If people talk to me in analogies Then I can get it. | ||
| And I try to do that when I'm trying to do a bit that other people might... | ||
| I'll go, it's like this. | ||
| Okay, if you can make it stupid for me like a kid. | ||
| Okay, honey, imagine if you had two apples. | ||
| Jimmy stole one of your apples. | ||
| Oh, I get it now. | ||
| I do that all the time. | ||
| I think that's a great way of communicating fucked up ideas. | ||
| But even then, I feel like I'm unqualified. | ||
| But it's important to do both. | ||
| It's important to say it. | ||
| Use the big words and then go, I mean, it's like this, like this. | ||
| So, okay, now you understand the big word I just learned with the stupidity I needed to learn it. | ||
| Especially if you're on stage and you're telling a joke. | ||
| Because if you do that, you can actually make someone laugh at something they ordinarily would argue with you about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You could just sneak it in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We're both on the same page. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| Don't we have some ad copy to read? | ||
| I'm just here to do the advertisement. | ||
| We're done. | ||
| The ad copy's over. | ||
| Forever. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| One more ad? | ||
| Do you see that footage of Jerome going? | ||
| How dare you make me uncomfortable. | ||
| In Japan? | ||
| A drone? | ||
| Yeah, the drone went into the radiation in Japan, and it's just flying around the deserted cities, and it's so creepy. | ||
| Is it glowing? | ||
| No, but it hasn't been touched since it happened. | ||
| Great, great. | ||
| What are you trying to scare the fuck out of me? | ||
| The only thing that scares the fuck out of me more than radiation is sharks. | ||
| Oh, look at that. | ||
| They're like, the radiation is going to kill you in the ocean. | ||
| Well, the sharks will kill you first. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Do you not swim? | ||
| Fuck that, dude. | ||
| I go in the water up to my waist in Hawaii and I panic every time. | ||
| Because last time I was there, a woman got killed by a shark. | ||
| That's real. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I know. | |
| That's like, if I was there and a woman got murdered by the werewolf, would you go in the woods? | ||
| You'd be like, I'm not going in the fucking woods. | ||
| But they're like, hey, you know. | ||
| Costa Rica, I'll go in the water. | ||
| But no, we're going to Hawaii tomorrow, the next day. | ||
| I won't go in the water. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck that. | |
| Those fucking tiger sharks, man. | ||
| They're too scary. | ||
| Tiger sharks and bull sharks. | ||
| Those are the scariest ones. | ||
| Do you know that fucking, the whole movie Jaws was based on something that happened in fresh water? | ||
| Oh, the New Jersey thing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's fresh water. | ||
| It was a river. | ||
| Oh, wait. | ||
| No, that's not the New Jersey thing. | ||
| There was a rash of New Jersey shark attacks in the early 1900s. | ||
| Yeah, that's it. | ||
| It was in a river. | ||
| That's not fresh water. | ||
| Yeah, it was. | ||
| All right. | ||
| That's what's fucked. | ||
| There's a thing called a bull shark that swims in a fresh water. | ||
| They swim so far in fresh water that they saw them in Illinois. | ||
| They have them up the Mississippi River in fucking Illinois, a shark that came directly from the ocean. | ||
| That's more reason we need stronger immigration policy. | ||
| That's why you can't take my guns from me, Doug Stainhope. | ||
| Build a wall! | ||
| Build a fence! | ||
| That's what I say. | ||
| I literally saw a song the other day that was talking about prying a gun from my cold dead hands. | ||
| That was the song. | ||
| It's like, you can come get my gun from my cold dead hands. | ||
| Like, this guy thought about that, wrote it down, said, fuck, and I'm putting this shit on wax. | ||
| But you heard it. | ||
| Oh, I heard the whole song. | ||
| I listened to the whole song. | ||
| So someone's putting it out. | ||
| Someone's on his side. | ||
| There's some... | ||
| What's the guy's name? | ||
| The stapler guy from Office Space that played... | ||
| Steven Root. | ||
| If you can't get the fucking reference right away, drop the joke, Stanhope. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Steven Root. | ||
| Man of Constant Starro. | ||
| There's a long way to get to this pointless reference. | ||
| He played the record guy with the man of constant sorrow and George Clooney. | ||
| See? | ||
| He put it on wax, too. | ||
| It wasn't Lee Greenwood, was it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Let's just say yes! | ||
| See, Tom gets what I'm saying. | ||
| Almost. | ||
| That guy, Lee Greenwood, nothing was happening in his career. | ||
| He had that one song, I'm proud to be an American. | ||
| Fucking nothing's going on in his career. | ||
| And then September 11th happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Boom! | |
| His career's on fire! | ||
| I always tell Henry Phillips to write a Christmas song. | ||
| They're so desperate to have another Christmas song that they will play any fucking thing about Christmas. | ||
| They're so desperate to have a Christmas song, they went with the Hanukkah song. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They went with the Adam Sandler Hanukkah song. | ||
| Every year, grandma still got run over by a reindeer fucking 30 years later. | ||
| They can't wait to have one more. | ||
| Henry Phillips, get off your ass and get a fucking Christmas song. | ||
| How about they don't even come up with new Christmas cartoons? | ||
| The same fucking cartoons. | ||
| The Grinch stole Christmas. | ||
| It would be CGI now and the Grinch would be like crushing villages. | ||
| He'd be evil looking. | ||
| He'd be very demonic. | ||
| It wouldn't be so sweet and cuddly. | ||
| Well, you saw what they did with Batman. | ||
| They could probably do that with the Grinch. | ||
| Did you watch the latest Batman? | ||
| I've never watched the Batman where the tragedy occurred. | ||
| Where those people get shot in Colorado. | ||
| For whatever reason, I can't just watch it. | ||
| That's the best Batman ever with Christian Bale and what's his name who died. | ||
| I've heard it's awesome. | ||
| That's the greatest Batman. | ||
| I'm done with Batman. | ||
| That was the greatest Batman ever. | ||
| The Dark Knight? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| I didn't see it. | ||
| Best Batman ever. | ||
| Because of what happened in Colorado? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's too bad that happened. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm saying the reason I don't watch it is because of that. | ||
| Columbine? | ||
| No, the people in Colorado. | ||
| One of the comics from the Comedy Works guy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Serious business. | ||
| Oh, the theater. | ||
| The shooting guy. | ||
| That guy. | ||
| For whatever reason, that movie's connected in my head to that event. | ||
| Yeah, that's fucked up. | ||
| I can't just watch that movie. | ||
| If I watch that movie, I'll kind of get weirded out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How does that one shooting weird you out? | |
| I saw it in the theater after that happened, like a few weeks later, and then you're in the theater thing and you're looking at the fucking exit doors. | ||
| I'm not saying it's logical. | ||
| Oh, I don't go to actual movies. | ||
| I saw it at home. | ||
| But I had to see it with Bingo. | ||
| I could see why the man was traumatized. | ||
| I'm not traumatized. | ||
| I just chose not to see it because I thought about seeing it a few times and I just kept getting that thing in my head that a bunch of people fucking died while this movie was being made. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| I mean, it doesn't make any sense. | ||
| I know it doesn't make any sense. | ||
| I'm not like arguing the logical... | ||
| You know, that it makes sense that I have this weird thing. | ||
| I love that while you're saying this, you're slamming ice into your glass. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know this doesn't make sense, but I just need a drink. | |
| I need a little something to take the edge off. | ||
| There's no edge, Doug Stano. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I know it doesn't make any sense. | ||
| I'm not defending it. | ||
| Why would they ever make another superhero movie? | ||
| They made another Superman. | ||
| I loved Captain America. | ||
| They're fun. | ||
| They're stupid as fuck. | ||
| You know he's going to be alive at the end. | ||
| I read the Captain America comic book when I was a kid. | ||
| One of the few that I looked at. | ||
| And it was the lamest. | ||
| Dude, the superhero. | ||
| He couldn't fly. | ||
| He had to fly on the thing. | ||
| And then he had the shield. | ||
| He was like the biggest pussy superhero ever. | ||
| And then in the late 70s, there was a black character called the Falcon. | ||
| Alright, I'm out. | ||
| Captain America would be getting his ass whooped and his black friend the Falcon would come and save him. | ||
| Yeah, well that's how it usually happens in real life. | ||
| You know, you get your ass kicked, you call your friend. | ||
| But it was cute how they introduced... | ||
|
unidentified
|
If he's black and wears a fucking mask, you're good. | |
| But a black character couldn't get his own comic book. | ||
| He had to be introduced. | ||
| He had like three pages in Captain America. | ||
| Marvel was a little bit more bold. | ||
| Marvel had Blade. | ||
| Blade was a superhero. | ||
| He was a black guy. | ||
| Nightcrawler. | ||
| I'm sure that came out much later. | ||
| He wasn't really black. | ||
| Well, I guess he was more like demonic. | ||
| I had Roger from What's Happening. | ||
| He's geeky, but he was the smart one of his group. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I was the Roger of my social circle. | |
| Captain America was still fun. | ||
| I know it was stupid. | ||
| I know the premise is stupid, but it's still a fun movie. | ||
| Just nonsense. | ||
| You're watching nonsense for a couple hours laughing, you know, having a good time, watching spaceships getting shot up by missiles and whatever. | ||
| It's stupid, but it's fun. | ||
| Nobody got shot. | ||
| You can enjoy that one. | ||
| Plenty of people got shot. | ||
| A lot of people died in Captain America. | ||
| No, in a movie theater in Colorado. | ||
| Oh, in the premiere. | ||
| Oh, did you forget where your heart was at the beginning of this conversation? | ||
| I forgot my true loyalty. | ||
| I know it doesn't make sense that I don't watch the Batman movie, and I've come close to watching it a few times, but I always think, I don't want to fucking see it. | ||
| Best one ever. | ||
| Just because of that. | ||
| That guy did Joker. | ||
| He was amazing. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I mean, that Heath Ledger character was fucking incredible. | ||
| He was amazing. | ||
| I'm getting confused. | ||
| That's the one. | ||
| Heath Ledger was the joker. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| That was his flick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, Bane. | |
| Oh, Bane. | ||
| Christian Bale was the Batman. | ||
| No, Bane was the guy. | ||
| Heath Ledger's years ago. | ||
| Tom Rhodes, you became my grandpa. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| You're like my grandpa. | ||
| He doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about, but he yells about it. | ||
| Shut the fucking John Wayne! | ||
| It was a John Wayne movie! | ||
| I know every time I say Heath Ledger on stage, I know how dated it is. | ||
| Was Heath Ledger in the new Batman? | ||
| No, right? | ||
| No, I didn't say he was in the new Batman. | ||
| He was in the one at the premiere shooting. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The new one was the Bane one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut the fuck up. | |
| The Bane one was the one where the guy came out. | ||
| Is that a year ago or two years ago? | ||
| 2012. The Dark Knight Rises. | ||
| Yeah, so May. | ||
| I believe it was May. | ||
| I like to think I remember my shootings. | ||
| The number one problem with Captain America. | ||
| My audience comes to me when there's a big shooting waiting for my response. | ||
| Do they? | ||
| To see if you've got a joke? | ||
| Like if Malaysian planes went down every... | ||
| Six or eight weeks, I would be the prime minister of the shooting that has to come out with the joke. | ||
| I have an odd fan base is all I'm saying. | ||
| I'm aware of that. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| It's very odd. | ||
| It's what you get. | ||
| You're putting out an odd vibe. | ||
| You know, you live in the middle of nowhere. | ||
| What is Death Squad? | ||
| Explain Death Squad to me. | ||
| No one ever figured it out. | ||
| It's funny. | ||
| I was in London in February. | ||
| I don't use the word anymore. | ||
| It's too scary. | ||
| The theater, they go, some people showed up and they said they were with the Death Squad. | ||
| I was playing the Soho Theater. | ||
| It's just like a really prestigious theater in London. | ||
| And I got to play this theater, man. | ||
| And they're really proper theater people. | ||
| This is the origin of it. | ||
| And they were like, Death Squad. | ||
| We're on the Opie and Anthony show. | ||
| It was Eddie Bravo, Red Band, Tate, me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tate? | |
| I showed up in Eddie Bravo's black belt jiu-jitsu champion, and Tate's this big gorilla. | ||
| Oh, not Jeff Tate. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The comedian Jeff Tate. | ||
| Quickly, after Kreischer and I did our picks for the Ultimate Tour, we got down and sat down with his children and wife for dinner, and he mentioned Jeff Tate. | ||
| I'm like, fuck Jeff Tate! | ||
| Why didn't I pick Jeff Tate on my... | ||
| Yeah, he's a great comic out of Cincinnati. | ||
| Oh, so you thought I was talking about that guy. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| Tate Fletcher, he's a big giant guy. | ||
| And Opie from Opie and Anthony goes, look, Joe Rogan showed up at the Death Squad. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| And then it was a joke. | ||
| We were laughing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha. | |
| And then, somehow or another, people kept using it. | ||
| And then, you know, many years later, Brian started these videos. | ||
| Remember those videos? | ||
| Yeah, the original Death Squad podcast. | ||
| Yeah, we used to do these videos, like, at shows. | ||
| And then he started the Death Squad podcast network. | ||
| The videos were all just us hanging around at shows, like you would do these little clips of stupid shit that was happening. | ||
| It was actually, we did the Joe show, and there was all this extra footage that was just bullshit stuff, and so I just made quick one-minute videos. | ||
| Every time I see a Death Squad t-shirt in my audience, which is often, I always say, hey, Death Squad, point them out on stage. | ||
| It's a weird name. | ||
| But I'm going to stop doing that. | ||
| Buy my t-shirts. | ||
| Ha! | ||
| Buy your t-shirts anyway. | ||
| It's a weird name. | ||
| That's why I stopped using it. | ||
| But I just stopped using it because it just sounds too crazy to use. | ||
| But feel free to keep using it. | ||
| I never knew the origins. | ||
| I assumed that was your network. | ||
| No, it's Brian. | ||
| Well, Brian started his podcast and he used that name. | ||
| Do you have a network? | ||
| No, I just have this. | ||
| What is a network? | ||
| What does that mean? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| I have a network of guys that I'm friends with. | ||
| I'm on all things comedy, officially. | ||
| I don't know what that means. | ||
| I don't even know what it means. | ||
| That means you're getting somebody else involved. | ||
| I know I love Bill Burr, and yeah, sure, I'll do that. | ||
| All that means is that you are joining up with a bunch of other people, so in that sense, yes, but it's completely unofficial. | ||
| My podcast is joined with Ari's podcast, is joined with Joey Diaz's podcast, is joined with Duncan's podcast, is joined with all the Death Squad podcasts that Red Band produces, is joined with Burt Kreischer's podcast, is joined with Tom Segura. | ||
| But it's all... | ||
| Completely because we're friends. | ||
| There's no agreement, but we all support each other. | ||
| We all constantly... | ||
| Yeah, but that's like all things comedy is like that as well. | ||
| I'm with them. | ||
| There's no contracts. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, nothing. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And they just wanted comedians to do their own thing. | ||
| Yeah, but we're not like... | ||
| There's no official connection. | ||
| We just support each other. | ||
| All it does for me is make me more disciplined in that, okay, now I guess I told Bill Burr tacitly that I will do this... | ||
| On a weekly basis, rather than go, fuck it, no one cares. | ||
| So yeah, I'll be better about putting it out. | ||
| I feel like I have an obligation. | ||
| You should hire a guy to just turn the mic on. | ||
| It's so fucking fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I do. | |
| It's so easy. | ||
| Just hire a guy all the time. | ||
| I have Greg Chaley. | ||
| But I mean all the time. | ||
| Whoever he is, all the time, you should have a guy that just turns the mic on. | ||
| It's so easy for you. | ||
| And it'll be fun for you. | ||
| I do. | ||
| You should do them every fucking day. | ||
| You should have a guy that turns the microphone on you every day. | ||
| Just lets you go. | ||
| Just turn the microphone on and lets you go. | ||
| Have you ever tried to do a Bill Burr style? | ||
| Have you ever done one by yourself? | ||
| I did a bunch of them in the beginning by myself. | ||
| That's amazing what he does for an hour. | ||
| I'm scared to even try it, even though I know I don't have to put it out. | ||
| I am... | ||
| I've done it in between, too, where a guy like you maybe need to take a leak, and you get up, and I'll just keep going, even for ten minutes. | ||
| But it becomes easy after a while. | ||
| You fall into a path. | ||
| I'm sure it would be, but initially, even when... | ||
| If I'm doing a set where I really... | ||
| All new shit, too much new shit, about to do a DVD, whatever. | ||
| I will get Brian, my manager, and make him... | ||
| Like, I just have to say this out loud. | ||
| You have to stand there. | ||
| But I can't say it out loud to myself. | ||
| Okay, this segues into this. | ||
| And then I'm going to do this. | ||
| So you say it out loud in front of someone other than the audience? | ||
| If it's important. | ||
| No, before a show. | ||
| Like, if I... Like when I worked the UK, and I have to abandon two-thirds of my set because it doesn't translate, and I've been writing a bunch of new shit that I don't really know, and I have to say it out loud before I go on stage. | ||
| Okay, this is the segue. | ||
| This gets me into this. | ||
| I'll make Brian listen to me say, not the whole set, but the bullet points and what the segue is, because I couldn't say it to myself, which I really am, but I need someone standing there to say it out loud. | ||
| And that's what a podcast by myself would feel like. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, I see what your point is, but it's more of a freestyle thing if you choose to just go over what's going on in the news every day. | ||
| There's always something in the news that's fascinating. | ||
| The beautiful thing about the time we're in, if you wanted to do a solo podcast, is all you have to do is go to your Twitter feed. | ||
| You know, I have a guy who works for me, Matt Staggs, he's my publicist for the podcast, and every day he sends me a news, an afternoon news, an evening news, and a morning news. | ||
| It's all just the most fucked up shit that's going on in the world, fascinating things. | ||
| And any day, I've got 20 of them. | ||
| Any day, there's 20 subjects. | ||
| Right, but I think what you're talking about, when you look at someone when you speak, just things... | ||
| I totally know what you're saying. | ||
| It's what you do on stage. | ||
| And if I'm talking too much, one of you will roll your eyes at me and I'll shut up and let the other guy talk. | ||
| Yeah, but you don't have to do that. | ||
| It's a totally different dynamic if you're doing a solo podcast. | ||
| Nobody wants you to shut up. | ||
| It's more about just not thinking about what you're saying, finding a channel in the river of ideas and just riding it. | ||
| And then just free-balling. | ||
| You get this comfortable free-ball thing going on, and as long as you're not too conscious or aware of what you're doing, you kind of catch this wave of creativity. | ||
| It's really fun. | ||
| You know, I've only done it a few times but I've done it on stage a bunch of times and there's this thing that Brian does With Jeremiah Watson? | ||
| Thunder Pussy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the name though, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Jeremiah Watkins. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Watkins. | ||
| Sorry, I said Watson. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Jeremiah... | ||
| I used to do it after shows, but the better way to do it is to do the whole show this way. | ||
| We just yell out... | ||
| Like, the audience yells out subjects. | ||
| Because you don't have any preparation whatsoever. | ||
| The audience yells out subjects. | ||
| And in yelling out subjects, out of nowhere... | ||
| Like, maybe a subject you never even thought about. | ||
| You'll just start talking about that subject... | ||
| And try to create comedy, and under the gun, with a bunch of people watching, a lot of times shit just comes up. | ||
| Right, like that show set list is fun like that, and they give you the ideas. | ||
| But it's different in that, it's not a bunch of comics that come up with these wacky things. | ||
| Orangutan pineapples! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Orangutan pineapples! | ||
| No, it's fucking the audience. | ||
| It's the audience which comes up with the dumbest ideas that are the easiest to play off of. | ||
| Sometimes. | ||
| Yeah, like whenever there'd be an improv group. | ||
| Suckin' dick! | ||
| Oh, you know what? | ||
| Who said suckin' dick? | ||
| That was three nights ago! | ||
| I just heard suckin' dick from the audience. | ||
| I remember always improv troops. | ||
| They'd go, okay, give us a word. | ||
| And it was always the first word. | ||
| It was always someone in the audience. | ||
| Dildo! | ||
| It was always like, now I found the level of the crowd? | ||
| No, what genre of film? | ||
| Everybody always says porn. | ||
| Who says silent movies? | ||
| They all say porn. | ||
| And if they do say silent movies, you know, every fucking 45th show, you abandon the porn reference. | ||
| You go, silent movies! | ||
| Okay, we'll see what we can come up with. | ||
| Bitch, you got that shit memorized. | ||
| Here's a silent porn. | ||
| You know, those guys that used to work the crowd... | ||
| That was a big thing. | ||
| Like, guys who work the crowd, they would ask the crowd things. | ||
| People would go, ah, this guy just coming up with this on the fly. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then you watch him three nights in a row. | ||
| You're like, he's coming up with the same shit on the fly over and over again. | ||
| He's seeing people that have touched themselves that aren't touching themselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, he's just... | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not really... | ||
| Oh, when I said this, this guy did this. | ||
| No, he didn't. | ||
| No, he didn't. | ||
| I'm watching from backstage. | ||
| It's a fake ad-libbing, you fuckhead. | ||
| It's like the worst dirty trick of all time. | ||
| My first tour for David Tribble, my first road tour doing these Tribble gigs, I worked with Matt Fuck. | ||
| I can't remember his goddamn name now. | ||
| He was a Denver comic, but he did crowd rap, and it was kind of, he knew what was coming, but he'd go, what do you do? | ||
| The last gig in Price, Utah, he'd say, what do you do? | ||
| Like, the whole tour he was getting, I'm a pipe fitter, I'm a meat rapper, and I'm like, how are you getting this? | ||
| He was getting so fucking lucky with the easiest... | ||
| So we play Price, Utah, which is a mining town. | ||
| What do you do? | ||
| I work in the mine. | ||
| And he had whatever. | ||
| Four or five people, he said, what do you do? | ||
| I work in the mine. | ||
| I work in the mine. | ||
| And I'm like, finally, now you're on the fucking spot. | ||
| You're going to have to come up with some shit because everyone... | ||
| He's like, does anyone here not work in the mine? | ||
| And a girl raised her hand. | ||
| He said, what do you do? | ||
| I work at the come and go. | ||
| I'm like, oh, you fucking... | ||
| Get lucky every goddamn time. | ||
| You were all in. | ||
| And you caught that on the river. | ||
| Come and go. | ||
| Whoever came up with that fucking name. | ||
| I thought that was a joke. | ||
| The first time I ever saw that shit was in Colorado Springs. | ||
| I stopped my car because I didn't believe it was real. | ||
| I stopped my car and went, wait, that's the gas station? | ||
| It's called Come and Go with a K? Like some sort of a wacky fucking whorehouse? | ||
| Like a comedy night with a K on Tuesday? | ||
| At the fucking Clam House with a K. The come and go is the number one fucking bit on the menu at the Clam House. | ||
| It's when you just suck your dick. | ||
| No one says a word. | ||
| They push you in. | ||
| She just sucks your dick and you go. | ||
| That's the come and go at the Clam House with a K. Tuesday night's comedy night with a K. Cocktail. | ||
| Cocktail time. | ||
| Do you remember those places that would have comedy night with a K? Hang on, I'm drinking Kamchatka vodka with a K. Is that good? | ||
| A little plug. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Shitty vodka. | ||
| Is that ours or yours? | ||
| Did you bring that? | ||
| I brought that. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| I don't fucking come not bearing gifts. | ||
| What is Kamchaka Vodka? | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I'd step all over my closer if I told you. | ||
| You know, I get you. | ||
| You know, they did this thing where they took vodka and they put it through one of those Brita water filters. | ||
| Tried it. | ||
| Heard the trick. | ||
| Tried it. | ||
| We did, you know, straight vodka taste tests. | ||
| It didn't work for shit. | ||
| Four or five times through a... | ||
| Didn't work for nothing? | ||
| It's all the same shit. | ||
| Years ago in San Francisco, you remember the punchline they would put you at the Commodore Hotel? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| With the red room downstairs! | ||
| I was in the easy like Sunday morning suite. | ||
| Is that Commodore really okay? | ||
| Remember the staff used to party, man. | ||
| I had like eight people back in my hotel room and everyone drank until the wee hours. | ||
| Were you banging the whole staff? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I remember waking up and there was like, I was completely hungover and I wanted to make some coffee and there was, I thought it was a cup full of water and I put it in the coffee machine and it was vodka and coffee and I thought, hey, this might be the new Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. | ||
| Remember, the commercial guy's walking with the chocolate and he bumps into the guy with the, so I took a couple sips of it and it was definitely not the new Reese's Peanut Butter Cup. | ||
| You know where they fucked up with that commercial? | ||
| They fucked up with that Reese's commercial because if you take some chocolate and you dip it into peanut butter, it tastes way fucking better than Reese's. | ||
| That's why they fucked up. | ||
| Because chocolate and peanut butter is really delicious. | ||
| But when you eat Reese's, you go, oh, I shouldn't have fucking ate that. | ||
| Yeah, Reese's is pretty bland and tasteless. | ||
| Yeah, Brian brought me some dark chocolate bars. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh! | |
| And we had them in the fridge. | ||
| And I don't eat chocolate, but there was nothing to eat. | ||
| And I had bought some pineapple off the street. | ||
| Fresh pineapple with a square of frozen dark chocolate. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| God, it was good. | ||
| Dark chocolate is actually good for you. | ||
| It has a very high OROC value. | ||
| Is that why I feel so healthy right now? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's high in antioxidants. | ||
| It's really good for you. | ||
| I don't like chocolate, but I've had chocolate in Europe that was just orgasmic. | ||
| From the first bite, you're like, God damn, this is the best thing ever. | ||
| You ever go to Ghirardelli Square? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, those are delicious. | ||
| Ghirardelli, they used to have a real chocolate factory right there in San Francisco. | ||
| And it was right down the street from the old Cobbs, the 150-seat Cobbs. | ||
| Did you ever work that Cobbs? | ||
| No. | ||
| I did all the time when I lived there. | ||
| I love that room. | ||
| One of the greatest all-time comedy clubs ever. | ||
| It was a fucking tragedy when they moved out of that place to the big place. | ||
| Tom Sawyer. | ||
| Fucking great, great club. | ||
| I mean, it was 150 seats and tight. | ||
| Today's Tom Sawyer. | ||
| It was a small, small fucking room. | ||
| He's a serious comedy fan, that dude. | ||
| Tom Sawyer loves comedy, man. | ||
| I was playing the Purple Onion. | ||
| I guess 60-seater when you were playing Cobbs, the new big room. | ||
| And we came down to see you. | ||
| The Purple Onion is now like an Italian restaurant. | ||
| It was always upstairs, but I came down to see Rogan. | ||
| I'm playing a 60-seater. | ||
| He's playing an 18,000-seater at Cobb's Comedy Club, whatever. | ||
| It's a big fucking airplane hangar. | ||
| 450. Then we hung out with you afterwards. | ||
| It's like 2.30 in the morning. | ||
| They threw everyone out. | ||
| It's a staff party, and someone had blow. | ||
| Then I'm going, I'm supposed to go do a live remote for a car show, like a good morning San Francisco TV live from a car show on Saturday morning. | ||
| I go, I'm not going to fucking make it. | ||
| I just did lines. | ||
| It's 2.30. | ||
| So I got one of the local comics, Jason Fuck. | ||
| Don't let me forget your name. | ||
| I go, listen, will you go to the show as me? | ||
| That's right! | ||
| The man's show is about to come out. | ||
| Red Band has footage of this. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| I remember this. | ||
| I go, go down to the car show as me. | ||
| I'm delineating my... | ||
| Small amount of authority to a local guy that I know will do it. | ||
| He's like 10 years younger than me, 8 inches taller than me, but I still let him come by my room and get my overcoat and my fucking, you know, knit wool cap. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| As my outfit. | ||
| And I have footage. | ||
| I have my own footage. | ||
| It was on television. | ||
| It made it to television. | ||
| Yeah, he went down and the whole graphic on the chyron on the bottom. | ||
| Man show host Doug Stanhope. | ||
| And he's just doing this straight interview as me. | ||
| You've got it. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're in a hot car with a hot comedian, Doug Sandler, from Sketchfest San Francisco, standing by to give us some insights. | |
| It's an interface between the internet and... | ||
| They did their fucking homework. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yes. | |
| This is a new thing I'm very fascinated with. | ||
| It's at myspace.com. | ||
| We're going to be talking all about it coming up on Chromebook. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, my God. | |
| It looks nothing like me. | ||
| That hurts my feelings. | ||
| It hurts me how dumb that guy is. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| I wasn't good at Photoshop back then. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, this is... ...for a news weekend. | |
| We're at the Cow Palace where the... ...rod and... ...or is it rod and cuss? | ||
| I can never remember. | ||
| And motorcycle shows taking place through tomorrow. | ||
| Another event that's taking place this weekend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Actually, it's the next week or week and a half. | |
| It's Sketch Fest in San Francisco. | ||
| He's even dressed like you. | ||
| Lots and lots. | ||
| I gave him my clothes. | ||
| This guy's the worst. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm taking my career in my hands here. | |
| I'm taking my career in my hands here? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, but it's all good fun. | |
| It's fun, and it's in the morning right now, so we won't take advantage. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And he understands that my job and my marriage will stay here, so... | ||
| Actually, I feel more sorry for my marriage than my job. | ||
| So, listen, before we start talking about the internet, It doesn't go anywhere. | ||
| For the listeners at home. | ||
| It doesn't need to. | ||
| That guy is comedy. | ||
| The guy in the tan jacket, he's comedy. | ||
| Well, a walking shot. | ||
| That's pretty ambitious for a morning show. | ||
| Well, you know what? | ||
| They like to mix it up, Tom. | ||
| They like to get artistic. | ||
| I did a morning show in San Francisco years ago, and I was hungover as fuck. | ||
| And they go, would you mind? | ||
| All you had to say was morning. | ||
| We know you were hungover as fuck. | ||
| We have to do this, uh, cover this fencing exhibit or some event or something. | ||
| So I had to go down to this fencing place and they filmed it. | ||
| And like, you know, would you mind doing it? | ||
| And comedian Tom Rhodes. | ||
| And like, I've got the fencing outfit on and the mask. | ||
| I didn't need to be there. | ||
| I'm still drunk and now I have to fence somebody so I can get an extra three people in the show. | ||
| Brendan Walsh did that for me when I was... | ||
| Andy threw a party at the bar that they filmed, Animal House, the Otis Day and the Night scene. | ||
| Mind if we dance with your dates? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Remember that? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So that bar still exists, and there's a campsite out in the way back of Oregon near there. | ||
| So we had this party out this campsite, and we... | ||
| And I can't get cell phone reception and I'm playing Seattle. | ||
| So I had Brendan Walsh. | ||
| I couldn't do a phoner to promote my show. | ||
| So we went into town to that bar. | ||
| I called Walsh. | ||
| I go, hey, will you do this phoner in Seattle as me? | ||
| And it's a show I've been on before. | ||
| So, yeah, sure, I'll do it. | ||
| So he did it, and they're like, wow, you don't sound like yourself. | ||
| But they went through, and Brendan Walsh did a whole interview. | ||
| Did he say he was sick or something? | ||
| I have no idea what he said, but his bullshit was strong. | ||
| That's fucking funny. | ||
| Tom Rhodes, don't piss in the sink. | ||
| That's not the bathroom. | ||
| Yeah, that's not the bathroom. | ||
| He's in there throwing up. | ||
| I've done that a lot. | ||
| Have you? | ||
| Bingo has caught me so many times trying to go into the closet in a hotel room to take a piss that you go, well, that's the amount of times you've woken up and found me. | ||
| How many times have I pissed all over my own shit and never knew about it? | ||
| I'm trying to remember. | ||
| I do it all the time. | ||
| It's the humidity, I guess. | ||
| I'm trying to remember who told me this story, but somebody opened up their drawer and they pissed on their sock drawer. | ||
| They opened up, they went to their dresser and they pulled their sock drawer open and they just pissed in there. | ||
| And I'm like, how the fuck did you think your sock drawer was the toilet? | ||
| I've peed in the... | ||
| I'm sure you've done this, though. | ||
| I've peed in the corner of a lot of hotel rooms. | ||
| That's what we're talking about. | ||
| We saw you go through the wrong door thinking you thought you were going to the piss. | ||
| Wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
| You peed in the corner of a lot of hotel rooms? | ||
| Not a few of them, just being plastered. | ||
| Like, you know, I was saying how many times... | ||
| How many times bingos caught me doing that versus how many times she didn't wake up that I did that and didn't know I did that. | ||
| That's those extra two shots. | ||
| When your brain says it's over, Doug, stand up. | ||
| You say the fuck it is. | ||
| I was plastered in Ireland years ago and I went out the room door. | ||
| I thought I was going to... | ||
| I was just drunk and half awake. | ||
| I just needed to pee. | ||
| And I'm in the fucking hallway naked and I was banging on the door. | ||
| My girlfriend comes. | ||
| What the fuck are you doing out there? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hennigan did that. | |
| Open the motherfucking door! | ||
| We already have this on a podcast. | ||
| Hennigan did that. | ||
| Right there, my manager, and Henry Phillips both have stories walking out, thinking they're going into the bathroom, walking out naked, and the door shuts behind them, and they're both naked in the fucking hallway. | ||
| And then you instantly become John Ritter. | ||
| There's no way! | ||
| That's not comedy! | ||
| And very sober. | ||
| No, I don't have identification. | ||
| If you do like a 20-year bid in a hotel, you're working in a hotel for 20 years. | ||
| Some of the dudes coming down naked. | ||
| How many dudes come down naked during your entire career holding their cock and balls just going, I know you're not going to stay at the hotel. | ||
| That's what happened to Brian. | ||
| He went into a locker, a housekeeping door that was open, grabbed a sheet or whatever, put it over his dick, and walked down to the hotel and they just gave him a key... | ||
| They didn't say ID or anything. | ||
| One good thing about being old is people don't question your intentions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Get the naked old guy out of the lobby as quick as possible. | |
| It's way more common than we want to admit, especially if people are drinking booze. | ||
| People are drinking booze. | ||
| I think they're pissing in the hallway. | ||
| They're walking outside. | ||
| They're getting... | ||
| People get so drunk. | ||
| I mean, how many people have been around that have gotten so drunk they don't know what the fuck they're doing? | ||
| I mean, how many people? | ||
| A lot. | ||
| Six stitches. | ||
| We're not unique. | ||
| We're not unique. | ||
| You know, you add us, connect us all to all the fucking people out there in the world that are drinking. | ||
| There's a lot of people walking down that hall with a dick in their hand going, shit, they hear that ka-chunk. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| You gotta walk to the front desk with confidence. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| We just gotta have one hand on your dick and the other hand, like, just casually explaining your story. | ||
| You know, man. | ||
| You know. | ||
| Give me a towel. | ||
| Take your shirt off. | ||
| My only problem at that drunk would be over-explaining it. | ||
| I'd be going, listen, I went to this bar. | ||
| It was 7 o'clock. | ||
| I hadn't eaten. | ||
| Or letting him suck your dick just to make the story way over the top. | ||
| I've never got the front desk to suck my dick, but I'm not Joe Rogan. | ||
| But could you imagine if you went to the front desk and a man was like, look, I'll give you the key, but I want to suck your dick. | ||
| You might let him at least put his dick in your mouth so you could tell people about it. | ||
| You would think about it. | ||
| You'd be like, this is the most ridiculous thing. | ||
| I'm not saying you, Tom Rhodes. | ||
| I'm saying Doug Stanhope letting a man put his dick in his mouth. | ||
| You'd let a guy blow you at the front desk? | ||
| Not blow him! | ||
| I can see myself saying, alright, you suck my dick as a pre-check because I was going to call a hooker, but if I can't get it up... | ||
| If I do this, will you give me a right check? | ||
| Do some diagnostics on my penis before I waste $350 on Eros Guide. | ||
| Do some diagnostics! | ||
| Are you plugged in, sir? | ||
| or do you have the updated software? | ||
| Yeah, you would do it Just for a late checkout. | ||
| There was a time in my life, yeah. | ||
| Between you and Tom Rhodes. | ||
| Tom Rhodes, you wouldn't go there. | ||
| I'm playing the UK. I have none of my material work but getting blown in a hotel hallway by a front desk man. | ||
| That's universal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do it. | |
| Well, there's the other thing. | ||
| Like, the UK, they demand a new show every year, right? | ||
| They want you to have, like, a show. | ||
| This is the end of the world show. | ||
| In the UK, they all do their shows kind of like plays where they title it. | ||
| It has a beginning and an end and a through line. | ||
| What's that about? | ||
| Well, I'm doing the Edinburgh Festival this year. | ||
| I've never done it. | ||
| Are you going to succumb to that peer pressure? | ||
| I've just always wanted to do it. | ||
| But I mean, are you going to just do... | ||
| An hour? | ||
| I'm going to do what I do. | ||
| No, I'm not going to talk about my dad dying. | ||
| You're not going to make it all make sense? | ||
| Hold on, let me explain. | ||
| A lot of guys have a beginning, middle, and end. | ||
| Over there, I never did. | ||
| But those guys do. | ||
| They have a themed show. | ||
| Jim Jeffries had, I can't remember the name. | ||
| But yeah, it was about, he takes this subject and it can vary. | ||
| There's a through line and an arc and then there's supposed to be a tidy ending. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a play! | |
| That's a fucking play! | ||
| And plays suck. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not into that. | ||
| What's wrong with going out and pounding people with jokes? | ||
| I'm not ending the same way every night. | ||
| I'm not beginning the same way every night. | ||
| There's not going to be the same middle. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| You don't have to do it that way. | ||
| No, no, you don't. | ||
| But they... | ||
| Again, the same way we have three comics, any comedy club you go into, there's an opener, a feature, which I'm plugging this everywhere. | ||
| Stop saying feature. | ||
| It confuses the audience. | ||
| Just say your next act. | ||
| And then your headliner. | ||
| The middle act. | ||
| Yeah, just say the next act. | ||
| But if you say, I'm middling for Stan Hope, that's what you're really doing. | ||
| You're middling. | ||
| But when you announce it to an audience, a feature they think is a headliner. | ||
| They don't know the difference. | ||
| Well, not only that, it's gross. | ||
| Because you know what you're doing. | ||
| It's the same exact spot. | ||
| You're doing the same exact thing. | ||
| You're trying to pretend it's more prestigious by calling it a feature. | ||
| That's stupid. | ||
| I have... | ||
| But a feature would sound like a headliner to a pedestrian audience who doesn't know that. | ||
| It wasn't a thing that anybody ever used in the East Coast. | ||
| That was a thing that you would only use in the road for whatever reason guys would use. | ||
| The only point was in the UK they tend to do that. | ||
| They have a themed show. | ||
| This is what it's called. | ||
| They have opening acts? | ||
| Not at Edinburgh, no. | ||
| No, you go out, you perform your show. | ||
| At some point I go, these rules don't apply to me. | ||
| Yeah, I'm going to bring fucking Henry Phillips over. | ||
| Right, but in clubs in England, usually a lot of times the best comedian is the host. | ||
| Opens with 20, the whole show is his thing. | ||
| I don't know why in America... | ||
| We put on open micers who have no experience and they don't know how to run a show. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| When in England, a show's great from the start because usually he's getting paid the most and everyone else does 20 minute sets and this guy, he's presenting. | ||
| He's David Letterman. | ||
| We used to do that in Boston. | ||
| But that was the thing in Boston. | ||
| It would be like, tonight is a Don Gavin show. | ||
| And Friends. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Steve Sweeney and Friends. | ||
| Kevin Knox and Friends. | ||
| They would... | ||
| Kenny Rogerson and Friends. | ||
| They did that all the time. | ||
| Well, we need to change the fucking open-miker out there first. | ||
| Because every people know the first guy's going to suck. | ||
| Why are you saying we can change? | ||
| Why are you saying we can change? | ||
| If anybody can fucking do whatever the fuck they want, it's you too. | ||
| You can both do whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| What we do. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| I'm talking about... | ||
| The United States, right. | ||
| I'm talking about... | ||
| The club format. | ||
| Zigzogs in Springfield, Missouri. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| But do you do it? | ||
| I... I don't do it. | ||
| I don't go out first and host the show. | ||
| I'm talking about people who are still in comedy clubs where people are going to see comedy and not the comics. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| So they still think they have to put three up. | ||
| I fucking... | ||
| Plow through. | ||
| I said this on fucking Burt Kreischer's podcast, so I don't want to repeat one conversation. | ||
| But yes, if you don't have a great herd of comics, don't just put up a guy that's shitty because you think you need three. | ||
| Right, but don't you think that the only way we ever get really better at comedy, all of us, is everybody needs to be thrown to the wolves. | ||
| There's got to be a trial by fire. | ||
| I think if you see a guy who's got any talent at all. | ||
| Well, that's what open mic nights are for. | ||
| But sometimes the fucking owner will go up and do ten because you don't have a third comic. | ||
| You don't need three. | ||
| You're totally right. | ||
| But when I used to take guys on the road with me for the Diaz security spot, those guys like Duncan and Ari, both those guys, when I started taking them on the road with me, were essentially open micers. | ||
| They really didn't work professionally very much. | ||
| They weren't making money off of it. | ||
| But I knew that they had potential. | ||
| So I figured if they could go on stage and break the crowd in, like you go out to a cold crowd every night, a packed crowd, Right, but those guys have personalities that people love from hearing them on your show. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| This was way before that. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| This was like in the 2002s, 2003s, I was taking those guys to the road with me when they were first starting out. | ||
| There was no podcast back then. | ||
| I didn't have any internet presence at all. | ||
| There was nothing. | ||
| Every show was just you do radio, you go to town, do local radio. | ||
| I had nothing. | ||
| I had a message board that was pretty popular, but... | ||
| You know, I mean, what does that mean? | ||
| Like, 10,000 members or something like that? | ||
| The whole country? | ||
| You can't, like, fill a crowd at a comedy club or something like that. | ||
| So it was all people that knew me, most likely from TV, and Duncan would go up first. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And by doing that, it's like strength training. | ||
| It's like running up hills. | ||
| You know, you just develop the ability to get out of the gate strong. | ||
| And I watch them all sort of morph in that sense. | ||
| So I see what you're saying. | ||
| It is the best way to do it, to have a guy like the Tom Rhodes and Friends show. | ||
| And you go out, so from the moment they go, at the very least, Tom Rhodes is coming back. | ||
| No, I like going on at the end with the big fat hour piece of cake. | ||
| Move the middle guy to the front and put the shitty guy in the middle. | ||
| You're not going to have an opener at the Fringe Festival, are you? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| Just me for an hour. | ||
| But the problem is, the middle guy... | ||
| No, we're talking... | ||
| If the middle guy is a shitty guy, he's just going to get buried. | ||
| There's a big difference between getting buried by, like, if you have Diaz, and then after Diaz, you have a guy who's just starting out... | ||
| You did that with me. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We did it with you. | |
| But that was not planned. | ||
| Yeah, that was fun too. | ||
| I mean, we did it for fun. | ||
| But Joey also knows you. | ||
| He loves you. | ||
| He throws you on stage. | ||
| He gives you a great introduction. | ||
| And everybody knows that Joey's coming back. | ||
| But there is... | ||
| That's also part of being a great host, is not front-loading the whole shit. | ||
| You don't open with your closer and then bring out the fucking we-kneed guy. | ||
| You ramp it up, and then you're going to come back, and then you make it a little stronger, and you know how to do the show. | ||
| That's the technician. | ||
| That's the guy. | ||
| That's your manager of the fucking show. | ||
| But there's some guys that are really good. | ||
| They're really funny, but they still need to be baby-fucked. | ||
| There's some guys that you just can't have someone too strong go on before them. | ||
| There's just some guys. | ||
| They have a great style, they have a great... | ||
| The famous Mitch Hedberg incidents that happened all across the country were all the wrong setup. | ||
| Like, some guy would go up, he was the wrong middle act, he would go up, he would crush, and then Hedberg couldn't follow him. | ||
| And no one could ever say that Hedberg wasn't brilliant. | ||
| Hedberg was one of my all-time favorite comics. | ||
| But Hedberg was a shitty emcee. | ||
| He was emceeing the first time I met him, I was the middle act. | ||
| And he'd go up with his jokes. | ||
| He had no, hey, how's everyone doing at night? | ||
| Not whatsoever. | ||
| Hey, what are you drinking there? | ||
| And it would have a birthday. | ||
| He had no skill. | ||
| Junior Stopka, who I use now. | ||
| I'd make Brian Hennigan, my manager, or Chaley go up and just say anything if there was no opening act just so Junior didn't have to go up cold because he's got nothing other than his jokes. | ||
| He has no... | ||
| He doesn't have interpersonal skills as a friend. | ||
| I don't know if you necessarily need those if your jokes are strong. | ||
| You don't necessarily need those. | ||
| It's awkward at first, but after a few seconds... | ||
| Well, we play a lot of fucked up venues where you kind of have to address awkward situations. | ||
| Yeah, you need that guy. | ||
| So even just my tour manager going up, going, hey, everyone doing great, okay, turn off your cell phone, just announcements, and then bring him up. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| Just get people focused. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| That's a very good move. | ||
| But yeah, there's some people that are not going to be good MCs. | ||
| Well, there's some guys that never respond to anything that happens in the audience. | ||
| They do not deviate from the rap. | ||
| Hey, rap guys, MC has an actual fucking meaning in our world. | ||
| Oh, go ahead. | ||
| Wow, what are you trying to say? | ||
| Are you starting a rap war? | ||
| I'm trying to be the Donald Sterling comedy. | ||
| Dude, don't start a rap war on my show. | ||
| If you want to go on your fucking All Things Comedy and start a rap war, some East Coast, West Coast type shit, you go right ahead. | ||
| I'm not about that, Doug Stanhope. | ||
| Death Squad versus ATC. What is ATC? Oh, shit. | ||
| All Things Comedy. | ||
| Jesus, get an acronym. | ||
| I just wanted to make sure I was right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Comedy. | |
| Remember when you were starting out and you never had a fucking inkling of the idea of having a career? | ||
| Having a career of comedy is just like a... | ||
| When you get those emails, they're the saddest emails, right? | ||
| Listen, I've been thinking about doing comedy, but like... | ||
| How do I get paid? | ||
| If that's how you're getting into comedy, you're fucked from the beginning. | ||
| When opening acts ask you, or open mic guys, the same thing. | ||
| When can I expect to be paid from this? | ||
| But the guys before they've ever stepped on a stage going, how am I going to get an agent out of this? | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're supposed to want to get pussy out of this. | ||
| That's why you get to open mic. | ||
| You want to impress the next funniest guy who's not funny. | ||
| That's your first goal. | ||
| Yeah, the first time you make the back of the room laugh is the first time you feel like, holy shit, I might be a comedian. | ||
| I heard some comics laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You remember the first time when you were an open mic and you heard a pro laugh at something you said? | ||
| And you're like, holy shit, I made a real comedian laugh. | ||
| I didn't just make the audience laugh. | ||
| I think when we were starting out, though, you know, you started out in, what, 90? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| 88? | ||
| 84, baby. | ||
| You know, it was just like a dream of being able to get paid to do comedy, but the idea of a career or, like... | ||
| The first time I got paid it was either $10 or $15. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| And then I call my brother. | ||
| I go, I'm technically a professional now because I just got paid. | ||
| And he goes, does that mean you get to take off the protective headgear? | ||
| Well, I've always said that, you know, the toughest thing about being a comedian is keeping a straight face when they pay you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, wow, you just gave me money for this? | ||
| Yeah, no, I've come to grips with the fact that I have a scam for a living, and I've had no tough life, and there's no way I should get paid for this. | ||
| But, like, when I did fraud telemarketing before this, you go, hey, if you don't fuck them over, someone else will. | ||
| The first time I ever got paid, I worked for a guy named Warren McDonald. | ||
| Warren McDonald had a brother that was, he would do the... | ||
| No! | ||
| He would run the open mic night. | ||
| Good guy. | ||
| I forget his fucking name. | ||
| I want to say Bill. | ||
| Anyway, he was the guy who ran the open mic night. | ||
| And I worked for him. | ||
| We used to do these Norm LaFoe gigs in the middle of fucking nowhere. | ||
| Did you ever do a Norm LaFoe gig? | ||
| Did you ever do one of those? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| I never worked back east. | ||
| You never worked back east at all? | ||
| No, I started in Vegas. | ||
| But you lived in Worcester. | ||
| You went back and did gigs there, right? | ||
| I went back once. | ||
| Was it Stitches? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Which year was that? | ||
| I did that once. | ||
| Open mic era. | ||
| So the first six months or a year, I ate shit. | ||
| I sucked. | ||
| So 91? | ||
| That was probably like 90, 91? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was still there. | ||
| I think I was still there until 91 or 92. Yeah. | ||
| Back visiting, I thought, oh, I'm doing an open mic. | ||
| Do you remember what street it was on? | ||
| Was it a bigger Stitches, or was it the really tiny place that was next to the Paradise? | ||
| Commonwealth. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| If that's right, that is the fucking drunkest, saturated, old, fossilized brain cell that just came out and told you a street. | ||
| Yeah, no, that's it. | ||
| Commonwealth Ave. | ||
| I wonder what the Paradise, the Paradise Boston. | ||
| I was on Bill Burr's... | ||
| Well, you're in Massachusetts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mentioned Zarex. | ||
| Do you remember Zarex? | ||
| Zarex? | ||
| It was a syrup that you'd pour into water as a kid, like Tang, but it was a syrup with a zebra on the front. | ||
| He's like, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Hey, Zarex, was there a zebra? | ||
| And then, just like that fucking Commonwealth brain cell, he sang the theme song for... | ||
| From Zarex, like he was speaking in tongues. | ||
| He didn't know what I meant at first, and he goes, wait, a zebra? | ||
| And then he burst into song and had the theme song, which I didn't even know. | ||
| You went to the real Stitches, if you went to Commonwealth Ave. | ||
| You went to the original Stitches, which was next to the Paradise. | ||
| The Paradise was a rock club. | ||
| Like this really small rock club. | ||
| You're trying to aggrandize a rape scene for me. | ||
| I died so miserably. | ||
| But you got raped in a really historical place. | ||
| You did. | ||
| No, I died. | ||
| It was the most miserable fucking experience of my early comedy career. | ||
| You took it right in your dick hole at a really important place. | ||
| They fucking hated me. | ||
| That's... | ||
| Zarex? | ||
| It's back in production now. | ||
| They started making Zarex again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it? | |
| What is Zarex? | ||
| It's like that, like I said, it's stuff you put in, like drink. | ||
| It's kind of like that stuff where you put in one little drop into water and it turns it into fruit punch. | ||
| They looked it up. | ||
| Like Tang. | ||
| Sort of a Tang ripoff. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That spot was amazing. | ||
| That Little Stitches. | ||
| That Little Stitches was the little dark room. | ||
| It was amazing unless you were a young mullet-haired kid and your brother came to see you for the first time and you ate shit in front of everyone. | ||
| I did my first set ever there. | ||
| How'd you do? | ||
| That wasn't that good. | ||
| I'll be honest with you. | ||
| Your first set wasn't good? | ||
| Pretty fucking terrible. | ||
| We were talking about this, I don't know if it was Burr or Kreischer, but that would be a great set list show, kind of themed show, is break out your first notebooks. | ||
| Oh, wow, that'd be great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I wish I had them. | |
| I wish I still had them. | ||
| I would love to do that. | ||
| It was embarrassing. | ||
| I have them. | ||
| I got mine too. | ||
| Oh, do you really? | ||
| My first one, I wrote out my name. | ||
| I wrote out... | ||
| Hi, my name is Doug Stanhope. | ||
| I wrote every fucking word out. | ||
| I have it. | ||
| Did you ever practice on a tape recorder before you actually did comedy? | ||
| I don't remember doing that. | ||
| My dad had one of those tape recorder things. | ||
| I would try and do, like, record funny things. | ||
| You know, where you had to push down with two fingers. | ||
| No, like the cassette thing. | ||
| Where guys in the, you know, office guys did dictation or whatever to those things. | ||
| Yep, I had the exact same thing. | ||
| I tried to make silly, you know, little radio shows. | ||
| I didn't try to do that, but I tried to do stand-up in it. | ||
| I would try to do my own version of stand-up as if I was talking to a crowd, and then I would play it to a couple of my friends. | ||
| You think this is funny? | ||
| None of them thought it was funny. | ||
| They all had the same look, like, oh my god, what are you doing? | ||
| Like if you're a white guy who wants to try boxing, they're like, oh yeah, man, you're going to fucking kick everybody's ass, bro. | ||
| There was this sense of sadness when they listened to your comedy. | ||
| You're never going to make it. | ||
| It's terrible. | ||
| Open mic when you're first starting. | ||
| You're throwing anything against the wall that would work. | ||
| I always break it down into two very distinct stages in the beginning of your comedy. | ||
| In the first stage, you do anything to try to get a laugh. | ||
| Shit you don't think is funny. | ||
| It's just tools. | ||
| They're just hammers and screwdrivers. | ||
| You're just hoping to get something that works. | ||
| Sea monkeys was a phrase I built. | ||
| That's a funny thing and I built anything around it where I turned it into a sexually transmitted disease eventually. | ||
| But I just wanted to say sea monkeys because I thought that was funny. | ||
| It's a funny word. | ||
| Yeah, there's a bunch of those. | ||
| I used to say spatula. | ||
| I used a prop on my first open mic, and I didn't realize it was racist. | ||
| It was racist? | ||
| What was it? | ||
| With a cross burning on it as well. | ||
| It was a monkey with a fucking jockey outfit on. | ||
| In a basketball uniform. | ||
| His hat on backwards. | ||
| With a boombox in his shoulder. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No idea. | |
| I had no idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was picking cotton. | |
| He was a punching nun picking cotton in blackface. | ||
| He was chained to a plantation stair. | ||
| It was an open mic night joke. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| He was robbing a white man. | ||
| I had no idea. | ||
| Hey, Bamamba. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Says Tom Rhodes on his first open mic. | |
| He was talking like Fat Albert's friend with a hat over his face. | ||
| Abba dabba. | ||
| I had no idea it was racist. | ||
| By the way, I'm white. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm not racist at all, and I'm super respectful of black people. | |
| It's hard. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha ha. | |
| I'm sorry. | ||
| What were you saying? | ||
| Oh, nothing. | ||
| Something wasn't racist. | ||
| I made it in art class. | ||
| I started when I was 17. I made one of those high school... | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is a black-faced Mr. Bill. | |
| With a giant dick! | ||
| Where are all the white women at? | ||
| All the white women were climbing on it while he was eating a piece of chicken. | ||
| There's no reason it should have taken this long to get to this quick story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm fucking crying! | |
| I'm fucking crying over here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my... | |
| He had welfare checks in his back pocket and I have no idea why anybody would think that shit was racist. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| He had bell bottoms on an afro. | ||
| It's fucking... | ||
| Watermelon's delicious. | ||
| I don't know what the problem is. | ||
| It's all right. | ||
| Why is everybody so uppity? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He had big lips around his penis. | |
| Is urethra? | ||
| Yep. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hop. | |
| Sorry. | ||
| All right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sorry. | |
| I had to make it one. | ||
| I had to make it unfunny so he could answer your story. | ||
| Something happened? | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| It's a black guy or something. | ||
| Joe, just try a cigarette. | ||
| One cigarette. | ||
| I've done it before. | ||
| I did it with you. | ||
| Come on, I want to hear this story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, fuck it. | |
| I ain't even telling it. | ||
| It was like a secret that I never would have fucking told anybody. | ||
| And you guys clowned on it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So fuck that, I ain't telling you. | |
| You're never going to tell anybody except on the internet. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Please. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| You guys go off with your fucking watermelon. | ||
| What was your racist thing? | ||
| I'll tell you my first racist joke. | ||
| I was a kid. | ||
| I didn't, you know, whatever. | ||
| I didn't know any better. | ||
| I was, you know, you're trying to be funny. | ||
| And, uh, I don't know. | ||
| You know, I wasn't... | ||
| I made an art class, one of those street signs that's a school crossing. | ||
| And, like, I made an art class, like, you know, with, like, black markers, and I made it, and, like, a yellow poster board. | ||
| I cut it, the size, the shape of the fucking school crossings. | ||
| I didn't... | ||
| I said, come on, when was the last time you saw two ball-headed black kids walk into school carrying books? | ||
| I don't get it. | ||
| I was 17. I was an idiot. | ||
| But I mean, why is it... | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| So it was... | ||
| Just when did you... | ||
| When would you ever see two ball-headed black kids? | ||
| But it was a sign. | ||
| The sign had... | ||
| No, it's the regular street sign. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, you know, a school crossing sign. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I recreated that exact thing. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| So the silhouettes. | ||
| You're saying it's black kids. | ||
| It was stupid. | ||
| I was 17. You know what's way more racist is the fucking signs. | ||
| I'm so glad I opened up. | ||
| I didn't get it. | ||
| The signs you get when you're in fucking San Diego. | ||
| Oh, yeah, the family running across the highway. | ||
| It's the dad and the mom and the little girl. | ||
| They're not married, by the way. | ||
| It's not even the dad. | ||
| It's the mom. | ||
| But it's funny that the little kid isn't even running. | ||
| The kid is, like, flying. | ||
| They're running, and the mom's holding the kid's hand. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And the kid is, like, flying. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because they're running so fast. | ||
| Well, you're supposed to slow down. | ||
| Watch out for people seeking a better life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Be careful. | ||
| They're dangerous. | ||
| People seeking a better life. | ||
| That's a fucking weird thing, isn't it? | ||
| I mean, you're right next to it. | ||
| You're about as close as humanly possible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's the only place I've ever seen in the world. | ||
| Watch out for people running across the highway. | ||
| You're a couple miles away from... | ||
| Where's Bingo? | ||
| What's the name of the sign everyone has, like every third house, like a political sign where I live on the border? | ||
| Humanitarian aid is never a crime. | ||
| Because, yeah, people that are fucking decent at the border where I live, and they'll leave water out for people that have trekked across the desert and leave jugs of water. | ||
| No, that's very cool. | ||
| And, yeah, you can get arrested for that. | ||
| What? | ||
| Somehow. | ||
| You can get arrested for leaving water? | ||
| I don't know how it works. | ||
| What? | ||
| Or aiding them without turning them in or however it works. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They pass the crystal meth houses to kick in the house. | |
| The door of the house that gave water to somebody. | ||
| They don't do that where I live. | ||
| I think if you made it that far. | ||
| That northern Mexico desert is so fucking just desolate and massive. | ||
| If you made it that far to the border, you should get like a prize. | ||
| It shouldn't be a contest, man. | ||
| It should be like a car waiting for you. | ||
| The idea is ridiculous. | ||
| The idea that we're going to keep these people from coming over where there's jobs just because they were fucking shit out of luck. | ||
| Here's how you attack the militiaman guy. | ||
| Because they're all family people and Jesus. | ||
| Hey, if your kids were fucking shitty, would you not try to make their life better by doing that? | ||
| As a father, anytime you go after their kids and put it on their kids, they have to wait. | ||
| Would you not try to make your child's life better by getting to a better place? | ||
| If we really believe in humans, just the concept of human beings, you really believe that humans are just a born bundle of potential. | ||
| If you're not a total, complete racist, where you think that your race is superior or you're superior because of Whatever shape you are or color you are, if you're not that, then the idea of borders and keeping people that are poor out of places where they don't have to be poor anymore because there's jobs, it's ridiculous. | ||
| It's funny how people talk about all these immigrants flooding over the border. | ||
| I've been down to visit you a couple times. | ||
| And I was driving to El Paso from your place once, and there's that one small road that goes from Bisbee straight to El Paso, and it's right along the border. | ||
| And there's, like, army troops out there with camouflage. | ||
| There's no people. | ||
| There's no towns. | ||
| And then they got ATV vehicles, ATC vehicles, and then the Border Patrol guys. | ||
| This guy pulled me over. | ||
| I'm a white guy driving a car. | ||
| And he goes, I saw you were driving away from California. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| I've come to visit you with Florida plates. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| It's completely ridiculous. | ||
| First of all, it's probably drug-related, which has nothing to do with immigration. | ||
| But what you were throwing out, still almost every argument boils down to overpopulation. | ||
| Okay, well, these people... | ||
| Well, everyone will continue to fuck until they have some... | ||
| You know, that's a way to look at it. | ||
| But the real issue isn't right now that we don't have enough resources to deal with the people that are at hand. | ||
| The real issue is there's people that have no access to resources. | ||
| There's people that have their resources monopolized by gigantic corporations in the military-industrial complex. | ||
| And there's people that live in poverty where the places where they live are some of the richest places in the fucking world. | ||
| It's more of a greed issue and a money issue and a domination issue than it even is a resource issue. | ||
| If you just took the amount of oil that's coming out of places where the people are incredibly poor and you just looked at that on the graph and said, how the fuck is this possible? | ||
| How is it possible that the place where these people were just born is just incredibly rich in natural resources, but a company that doesn't have anything to do with this area has somehow or another acquired the rights to suck it out of the ground, and the people that work in the factories are incredibly poor? | ||
| How is that possible? | ||
| That's nothing but cruelty. | ||
| It's nothing but people with a shit ton of money dominating people who don't have that opportunity. | ||
| It's nothing but a lack of humanity. | ||
| It's not about how many babies you have. | ||
| It's not about resources. | ||
| It's about cunts. | ||
| Yes, it is about resources because there's more people all the time and that's why we need more resources. | ||
| It is, but it's about what do they do with that money? | ||
| If they'd use that money to enrich these people, it's been proven that when you get people into an industrialized setting, you get people into a nice city, they have plumbing, their amount of children they have drops. | ||
| That's one of the number one concerns about all the people that believe in overpopulation. | ||
| There's another school of thought amongst real scholars. | ||
| I'd say that overpopulation exists in rural areas, third world countries, a lot of different places, India, China, what have you. | ||
| But when places become stabilized and people start having careers and lives, the number of children they have actually drops. | ||
| It drops to like every couple will have like one and a half kids or something like that, you know, per statistic. | ||
| So it's not that these people are, everyone's fucking too much. | ||
| But the numbers of people keep going up. | ||
| That's not good, but you know what? | ||
| Right now it's totally sustainable. | ||
| There's your proven statistics and then there's actual math of how many people keep appearing. | ||
| It is, but it's not. | ||
| Because look, humans... | ||
| I'm with you and I agree with you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's more people. | |
| I agree with you to a certain extent. | ||
| If we want to go outside and count them to win a bet. | ||
| No, there's plenty of people. | ||
| There's more people than ever. | ||
| No, but I'm saying there's always more. | ||
| There is always more, but right now it's totally sustainable. | ||
| And what I'm saying is that in industrial situations, the numbers actually drop. | ||
| So just because there's a lot of people today, and there's 7 billion people, and next year there might be 7.1. | ||
| So poverty is thriving. | ||
| It is currently. | ||
| But it doesn't mean that it has to stay that way. | ||
| Once industrialization, this is just science when it comes to population control. | ||
| When you industrialize an area, the people have less children. | ||
| Because when the people start getting careers, they have less children. | ||
| So even though you might have an area that has a lot of people right now, if that area improves in the quality of their infrastructure, their economy, all these different variables, Obviously I don't have a dog in this fight. | ||
| But once they start doing that, the number of babies they have actually drops. | ||
| So it's a matter of... | ||
| In my opinion, it's definitely... | ||
| Moved into West Hollywood in 1995 in a rent control place. | ||
| Brian still lives there. | ||
| Parking is way fucking harder. | ||
| This is not an impoverished place in West Hollywood. | ||
| There's more fucking people. | ||
| Well, there's more people here, but there's less people in Cleveland. | ||
| There's less people in Detroit. | ||
| Detroit is fucking half empty now. | ||
| Detroit, you can buy a house for 500 bucks. | ||
| I mean, California's a great spot. | ||
| It never rains. | ||
| It's fucking 80 degrees in February. | ||
| Everybody moves here because they want to be famous like Kim Kardashian. | ||
| You got me there just because I'm drinking. | ||
| Look, it makes sense. | ||
| There's definitely more people. | ||
| Like, statistically, there's way more people. | ||
| And it is a problem. | ||
| But it's not the number one problem. | ||
| The number one problem is the country, the world, all the economies, all the fucking natural resources are controlled by cunts. | ||
| By evil cunts that have shit tons of money and weapons. | ||
| That's the number one problem. | ||
| This idea that our problem is overpopulation. | ||
| If we have less people, we're going to have fucking smooth sailing. | ||
| That's not real. | ||
| Because the people that I know are all people. | ||
| The people that I love are all people. | ||
| They started out being fucking babies, and then they became awesome. | ||
| I mean, that's all the people that I know had to start out somewhere as people. | ||
| If we want to believe that the human race can carry on and more Tom Rhodes and Doug Stanholms and more interesting people can exist that way, someone's got to make a fucking person. | ||
| It doesn't mean that we should all, and it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with not doing it. | ||
| There ain't anything wrong with doing it. | ||
| But that's not our number one fucking problem. | ||
| Our number one problem is, Cunts! | ||
| That a gigantic chunk of the population is controlled by cunts. | ||
| And where do cunts come from? | ||
| Cunts come from people. | ||
| Babies. | ||
| So do comedians. | ||
| So do strippers. | ||
| So do singers. | ||
| All your favorite movie stars. | ||
| They all came from a vagina. | ||
| But, you know, you're talking about lifting up societies like Nigeria. | ||
| Look how poor these people are. | ||
| You think these Shell executive oil people would get tired of getting kidnapped and their refineries getting taken hostage. | ||
| They have enough security to prevent most of it. | ||
| So they don't have to lift up the society. | ||
| Yeah, if you've got enough money, you plan ahead. | ||
| You can keep people at bay. | ||
| It's fucking Game of Thrones type shit. | ||
| It's pretty simple. | ||
| It's just more sophisticated. | ||
| Oh, here he goes, throwing his intellect in it. | ||
| You can keep up with Game of Thrones? | ||
| I got through half of the premiere episode. | ||
| I go, oh, this is too fucking convoluted for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's complicated. | ||
| Look, I see both points. | ||
| I see your point. | ||
| I see... | ||
| Look, life is, no matter what, it's pointless. | ||
| I mean, you live and you die. | ||
| For you, for any individual, it's a temporary ride. | ||
| But I think that to concentrate entirely on the futility of it all... | ||
| Why are you going to drop this on me now? | ||
| Have you seen... | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Have you seen Pervert's Guide to Ideology? | ||
| No. | ||
| That guy is Zizek. | ||
| He's like Slovenia's premier philosopher. | ||
| He's big in England. | ||
| He's got this great movie. | ||
| This documentary is called The Pervert's Guide to Ideology. | ||
| And he breaks down with movies and how we're like just mass-fed these different ideologies. | ||
| And he starts with that movie They Live from 88 where the guy finds the sunglasses and puts it on. | ||
| Roddy Piper, bitch. | ||
| Yeah, and he sees the aliens. | ||
| He was on the podcast last night I did with him. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Roddy came around? | ||
| Yeah, he came around. | ||
| He does comedy shows with Steve Simone. | ||
| Yeah, he came up on stage. | ||
| We were doing a podcast, and this guy just starts walking towards us, and he starts walking on stage, and I was like, three seconds, I was about to go, hey, sir, you can't just... | ||
| But then right when I did it, Tony Hinchcliffe goes, Roddy, Roddy Piper, everyone! | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, what the... | |
| So you didn't know he was coming up there? | ||
| We had no idea. | ||
| He just walked on stage in the middle of the podcast and killed Tony. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Have you ever seen the video he did with Ari when he came on stage with him and body slammed him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I was there. | |
| I was there. | ||
| That was weird. | ||
| Ari Shafir got body slammed by Rowdy Roddy Piper. | ||
| Yeah, that was awesome. | ||
| That was awesome. | ||
| That was a Naughty Show, right? | ||
| Wasn't it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sam Tripoli. | ||
| Did I miss the end of Zizek? | ||
| I try to have my prostate timed with Tom Rhodes so I can start pissing when he talks about Zizek and get back right at the end of the beat. | ||
| He's done. | ||
| He said it all. | ||
| It was a Zizek soliloquy. | ||
| That's tough to say. | ||
| That's Dana D'Armond announcing it, and here's it, Roddy Piper. | ||
| Fucking Dana D'Armond? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I remember her from the MySpace days, and it was Dana D'Armond photography. | ||
| So I thought the thumbnail was some dude named Dana that put hot chicks up so you'd follow him. | ||
| And it wasn't until recently... | ||
| Where I found out, and I saw she follows you, and I'm like, oh, that's really a hot chick. | ||
| I thought it was a dude using a hot chick he took a picture of to try to get me to follow him. | ||
| No, she's a very nice person and happens to be a hardcore porn star. | ||
| But she's a very nice person. | ||
| She's very cool. | ||
| We did a podcast. | ||
| We did a couple podcasts with her at the Ice House, but we did one with her at Brian's place. | ||
| Tabitha Stevens seems really cool on Twitter. | ||
| She's cool. | ||
| To the point where I'm like... | ||
| You know, I don't want you to do this. | ||
| I follow you. | ||
| You don't have to send me a dirty picture every day. | ||
| I think she enjoys it, though. | ||
| She's really cool, but she enjoys it. | ||
| But you don't have to do that to me, you want to say. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| But you've got to let a ho be a ho. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like from the Ghetto Boys. | |
| I think that when they decoded the hieroglyphics on the pyramids, that's what it said. | ||
| Yeah, it says that. | ||
| It's cryptic. | ||
| You've got to use the Rosetta Stone to get it correctly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What the fuck are you watching? | ||
| That's Rowdy Roddy Piper banging Ari Shafir's head off the piano. | ||
| Now he's some sort of sex thing going on. | ||
| You know he's passed at the Comedy Store? | ||
| Rowdy Roddy is? | ||
| That's where the Comedy Store is today. | ||
| Oh my god, he beat him with a belt. | ||
| That's when Ari's like, okay, I gotta get out of here. | ||
| Wow, he really beat them. | ||
| But hey, they used to really, for real, beat the fuck out of each other in those old days of wrestling. | ||
| Those guys used to cut each other. | ||
| In the Ari Shafir, Rowdy, Rowdy Piper wars? | ||
| No, the real Rowdy, Rowdy Piper wrestling matches, Doug. | ||
| That's what we're talking about. | ||
| That they used to beat the fuck out of each other. | ||
| I was out pissed. | ||
| He didn't even pay attention. | ||
| We were just showing the video of Rowdy Roddy Piper beating Ari Shaffir with a belt. | ||
| Am I the guy off the mark right now? | ||
| Yeah, you're a little off the mark. | ||
| Rowdy Roddy Piper was just beating Ari with a belt in this video, and we were saying that they, that's for him, that's what the fuck they did. | ||
| They used to hit each other with chairs and shit. | ||
| They really hit each other. | ||
| He's like, you can get hit with a chair, and you can be all right. | ||
| That's what your job entails. | ||
| Like, I know you don't want to clean toilets, but somebody's got to do it. | ||
| That's their job. | ||
| I always assumed The Wrestler was kind of authentic. | ||
| The movie. | ||
| Yeah, it's fairly authentic. | ||
| I'm going to do this to you. | ||
| Are you cool with that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There was a great Louis Theroux documentary where he went around to all these low-level pro wrestlers. | ||
| Every time he's on our level, Tom, we go, hey, we can talk wrestling. | ||
| That's dumb. | ||
| He goes, well, Louis Theroux once said, what? | ||
| Yeah, you fucking sidestepped my zizik on Golden Pond. | ||
| Now we're on Theroux. | ||
| Louis Theroux. | ||
| He goes to these local North Carolina wrestling matches where these amateur guys, they're not making any money, and they're cutting themselves with razor blades to make themselves bleed. | ||
| I mean, it's fucking crazy. | ||
| One guy puts barbed wire all over himself, and they charge into each other with barbed wire, beat each other with barbed wire sticks and shit. | ||
| Like, for real, they're cut. | ||
| They're all bleeding. | ||
| The original jackass. | ||
| Well, they really used to hurt each other. | ||
| When they had theater with Jackass. | ||
| Those guys, there was a big coke scene and they used to hang around a lot of comedians in the 80s. | ||
| I remember hanging out with Jake the Snake. | ||
| Really? | ||
| And he had the largest bag of cocaine I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| Well, those guys are all medicated. | ||
| They're all constantly hurt. | ||
| You saw that documentary, Beyond the Mat? | ||
| No. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| It's about wrestlers. | ||
| It was fantastic. | ||
| About pro wrestlers? | ||
| Yeah, like five different guys. | ||
| They had the new guys starting out, and then intermediaries, and then Jake the Snake Roberts, who's now playing in Armory in Kearney, Nebraska. | ||
| Still. | ||
| Yeah, and they're gonna meet him up with his daughter that he never met, that he abandoned, but he used to... | ||
| What are you playing, Brian? | ||
| That's it. | ||
| He couldn't break away from the merch table, so he never met her. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| No, he starts smoking crack, and they get him, like, on a camera shot through his motel blinds. | ||
| Oh, I don't wanna see this. | ||
| Smoking crack. | ||
| I'm gonna get sad. | ||
| Right here. | ||
| Oh, just please, I'll get sad. | ||
| Stop playing this. | ||
| Fucking nonsense. | ||
| Joe gets sad a lot. | ||
| Look, I get sad when I watch people that are wrestlers. | ||
| That was from that. | ||
| That was the guy that died. | ||
| I watched the documentary, but fuck. | ||
| It was wicked good. | ||
| It made me want to do a documentary about all the 80s comedians who thought they had it made because all of a sudden it's like the oil boom now in North Dakota where everyone's making $5,000 a week with book jokes. | ||
| Two Jews walking to a bar. | ||
| Thank you, $5,000, Kansas City. | ||
| And where they became, Vic Dunlop fucking lost a leg and then he's dead, but for a minute he was fucking huge. | ||
| Not even huge, he was just rich. | ||
| He died, didn't he? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, he did. | ||
| All you had to do was get an evening of the improv. | ||
| If you had a Caroline's Comedy Hour and an evening with the improv, you were good. | ||
| And if you had an MTV half hour comedy hour and a Caroline's comedy hour and an evening at the improv, holy shit. | ||
| You were in one of those USA... Remember those USA comedy guides? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| Before the internet, they'd have this industry guide. | ||
| It was the who's who of comedy. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Remember Skippy? | ||
| Like Showtime put that out or something. | ||
| Skippy had a two-page spread. | ||
| Skippy from the Facts of Life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Mark Price. | |
| Is that what it's from? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What was the fucking show? | ||
| Yeah, Mark Price. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Skippy. | |
| What was the show? | ||
| Family Ties. | ||
| Family Ties. | ||
| Justine Bateman once emailed me and I was starstruck. | ||
| She goes, I think you're brilliant. | ||
| I go, are you the Justine Bateman that I know from TV? And this is not a long time ago. | ||
| Did you jerk off while you were... | ||
| No, it was like six years ago. | ||
| I probably told this story on the internet. | ||
| Who didn't love Mallory? | ||
| She was incredible. | ||
| That's pretty interesting. | ||
| So she decided that she was going to reach out to you. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Did you tell all your friends? | ||
| This story takes about three minutes. | ||
| Do you have the time for it? | ||
| She came to a show. | ||
| Garrett Morris opened a comedy club, the downtown comedy club. | ||
| Garrett Morris from Santa Ana? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And it was in a sushi place in a hotel. | ||
| So we played it, and Justine Bateman showed up after that email. | ||
| And I'm all excited. | ||
| I'm doing two shows. | ||
| Anyway, whatever it is, We get done the show. | ||
| She's been there. | ||
| Lynn Shawcroft, you know, Hedberg's wife, and bingo, they've been drinking a lot. | ||
| So I go to the downstairs bar after the show to meet them and some producer friend Hollywood types. | ||
| And I'm all like, hey, I'm nervous because I'm fucking starstruck by Justine Bateman at way too late of an age to be starstruck by Justine Bateman. | ||
| Good time to take a piss, Tom Rhodes. | ||
| How dare you, Tom Rhodes, you selfish son of a bitch. | ||
| So they're fucked up. | ||
| Bingo and Shawcroft are so fucked up and they're, like, spilling the tables and everyone's trying to be polite and ignore the fucking elephants in the room. | ||
| They have a pizza on one of those trays that's being heated from the bottom and Shawcroft knocks the pizza. | ||
| Shawcroft, her excuse is that she's on a, uh, what's the diet where you can't have carbs? | ||
| Oh, Atkins? | ||
| Atkins. | ||
| She's doing the Atkins. | ||
| So she's drinking vodka instead of drinking beer. | ||
| But she's drinking vodka at the same rate you would drink beer. | ||
| So she's so fucked up so quickly. | ||
| And she's knocking shit over. | ||
| You don't know what love is! | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| And I'm distancing myself from my own girlfriend and my friend. | ||
| At one point she knocks their pizza on the ground and gets down on all fours going, I don't care, I'll eat it. | ||
| And she's eating pizza off of Justine Bateman's feet and I'm just trying to make a smiley face. | ||
| And Justine was fucking great and she knew how to bust balls and she's making fun with it and being kind of cruel like a comic would... | ||
| Skip to the next morning. | ||
| Shawcroft wakes up from her blackout going, oh my god, did I make an asshole out of myself in front of that Justine Bateman? | ||
| And I go, you were fucking crawling on all fours like a pig eating pizza off her feet. | ||
| And without any irony or sarcasm, Shawcroft goes, oh my god, I ate pizza? | ||
| I'm not supposed to have carbs? | ||
| LAUGHTER Dude, why are you not telling that on stage? | ||
| Because it's not my story. | ||
| It's abandoned. | ||
| I probably told it a million times on a bunch of podcasts. | ||
| We'll delete it off the internet. | ||
| And please tell it on stage. | ||
| That's a great goddamn story. | ||
| She is so fucking funny. | ||
| Oh my god, I'm not supposed to eat carbs? | ||
| So she's gluten free? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Yeah, this is like six years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| That's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Well, good on Justine Bateman. | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| What show was she on? | ||
| Family Ties. | ||
| Family Ties. | ||
| Michael J. Fox? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Takes place in Ohio. | ||
| He's back, bitches. | ||
| I don't know if you know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Tom Segura's got a fucking 20-minute bit about the Family Ties, the new Michael J. Fox show. | ||
| God, it's horrible. | ||
| It's brutal. | ||
| It's a brutal bit. | ||
| It's so mean. | ||
| It's so fucking mean. | ||
| You're fucking ragging on the guy with Parkinson's. | ||
| Again, I've done four podcasts in 24 hours, basically. | ||
| Or 36. Well... | ||
| My point is, I hate to repeat myself, but Bert Kreischer is talking about. | ||
| Tom Segura has been on my list of shit to do to watch. | ||
| Because I've heard about him so much from you, your podcast and tweets and stuff. | ||
| And Kreischer said, fuck yeah, you gotta see him. | ||
| I still have not pulled up YouTube or anything of it. | ||
| He's really good, man. | ||
| He's really good. | ||
| I met him when I did the Maxim tour with Charlie Murphy. | ||
| Me and Hefron and Charlie Murphy. | ||
| You know Segura? | ||
| Oh, he's hilarious. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| He's really good. | ||
| Every place we went, they had a new guy open for us. | ||
| You know, like a local guy or a guy that won like a local contest. | ||
| And he went up in Phoenix. | ||
| We did the Hollywood Theater, the same theater where Louis did his last special. | ||
| And Segura went up and I was like, holy shit, this guy's good. | ||
| He was like, out of all the guys, we had 22 shows. | ||
| So 22 different guys opened for us. | ||
| But he was the only one that really stood out. | ||
| He's a beast. | ||
| He's legit. | ||
| His podcast is fun too. | ||
| Yeah, he's just a fun guy. | ||
| He's just a good guy. | ||
| He's like Kreischer. | ||
| His wife is fucking hilarious, too. | ||
| You ever seen Christina Pazitsky? | ||
| No. | ||
| I don't know anyone. | ||
| I've seen no one ever. | ||
| She went up... | ||
| Sam Tripoli had this naughty show, and he had all these people on the show. | ||
| I mean, it's all chaos. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| There's Tom. | ||
| It's like naked people and people getting beaten by belts and all this chaos, and this woman was beating this guy with a belt, and I was thinking, oh my god, I can't believe she's got to follow this. | ||
| Like, how is she going to fucking follow this? | ||
| It was the first night I met her. | ||
| She's like real friendly, and I was like, poor Tom's wife. | ||
| Poor Tom's wife going to go up and try to follow a guy getting beaten by a belt. | ||
| She goes up and slays. | ||
| And I was like, holy shit, she's really good. | ||
| She's really funny. | ||
| It's like, finally, a husband and wife team where they're both really funny. | ||
| Which usually, like, the wife's really funny, but the husband's some bitch that just follows her around and tells her how awesome she is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or writes the jokes but can't do it himself. | ||
| It's one of the other. | ||
| One of the other. | ||
| It's either the husband's awesome or the wife's awesome or something. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| That's why their podcast is funny. | ||
| What's she doing with the fucking crocodile? | ||
| I love her when she was on Road Rules. | ||
| She was on Road Rules? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| But she's a really good comic. | ||
| Bottom line. | ||
| She's a really good comic. | ||
| Funny. | ||
| Just a legit, legit comedian. | ||
| Has nothing to do with gender or the fact that she's... | ||
| Married to a legit comedian. | ||
| It's a rare instance where two legit comedians are hooked up. | ||
| Yeah, I can't... | ||
| Can't come up with another one. | ||
| No. | ||
| I can't come up... | ||
| Well, I love it, though. | ||
| Because I love that... | ||
| You can never say it doesn't work. | ||
| You know? | ||
| People always say, oh, I don't ever date a comic. | ||
| That fucking never works. | ||
| You can't say that. | ||
| It doesn't... | ||
| Most of the time, it doesn't work. | ||
| But it doesn't mean it can't work. | ||
| It can totally work. | ||
| Like, Tom and Christina, it actually works. | ||
| They're both really funny. | ||
| It's a perfect example of... | ||
| Come on, in history there had to be at least an instance of where two funny people that were already legitimately married... | ||
| Were George Barnes and Gracie Allen, were they married? | ||
| Captain and Tennille. | ||
| No? | ||
| Jim Carrey married Jenny McCarthy, who was hot enough for you to think was funny. | ||
| Bo and Luke Duke. | ||
| Tim Conway. | ||
| There's none. | ||
| There's fucking Tom and Christina. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Never existed. | ||
| That's why we need gay marriage. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| If two really funny guys... | ||
| The only way you can find two funny women in a room... | ||
| Well, what about if Richard Pryor and George Carlin married each other? | ||
| The greatest gay couple, the greatest married couple of all time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gay marriage. | ||
| If they were both gay, and they went into comedy... | ||
| I back gay marriage, but you're talking interracial, and I'm out. | ||
| My favorite thing you've ever done outside of your comedy is that fucking Bisbee town hall thing that you did, where you went up there and... | ||
| Oh, you didn't see the one where I ate shit the next time. | ||
| There's another one? | ||
| How did you eat shit? | ||
| I went up. | ||
| It was the most brutal. | ||
| Every comic has had the dream where you go on stage and you can't talk and you don't know what you're saying in the audiences. | ||
| That happened to me in real life. | ||
| After I did the one... | ||
| I spouted off at one city hall about... | ||
| Why are you having prayer at a city council? | ||
| And that was quick. | ||
| And the next time I went, when they were actually voting on the referendum for civil unions, and I sat in the back listening to all these Christians speak, and I just... | ||
| Like, you watch the opening acts, and you go, I can riff off of this. | ||
| And I developed this bit in my head that was not ready, and I went up to speak, and instead of hearing the, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your headliner, and applause, I realize there's dead silence. | ||
| And I'm walking through water, and I went up to speak, and I lost my breath. | ||
| I started to talk, and I see the mayor looking at me like, why are you up here? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| The mayor of Bisbee? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many people are in Bisbee? | ||
| 5,000, 5,500. | ||
| Don't make me move there. | ||
| I'll become the mayor. | ||
| I just, everything, everything that I had thought about listening to a bunch of speakers. | ||
| Is that me live? | ||
| Is that the video? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is this the exact thing? | ||
| Is this it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Obviously, we have enough people in the room to fight on my behalf. | |
| I don't have to be here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was rumors of buses of churches that were going to show up and filibuster this, so we felt we had to sit down. | |
| Is this it? | ||
| No, no, this is not the breakdown. | ||
| There was the next city council meeting. | ||
| I saw this one. | ||
| I fell apart where I... I'm talking to a cop with a dead hooker in my trunk, and then all the eyes are getting worse, and then I start flop sweating, and I'm going, this is why I'm going to default lines. | ||
| This is why I normally drink when I... And Rosa Parks! | ||
| And I had to leave in shame knowing that the fucking mayor and one of the councilmen and the rest of my friends have seen this and they're coming to my house. | ||
| And I'm like, I have to leave Bisbee. | ||
| Why are they coming to your house? | ||
| Because we party over there. | ||
| You party with the mayor? | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| Yeah, the mayor's cool. | ||
| I met her. | ||
| I've been at your house. | ||
| Why would you panic then if you party with the mayor? | ||
| I just went into a fucking panic. | ||
| Like, I had all this stuff that I know in my head is a comedy bit that I could do, but going up to... | ||
| This wasn't done yet. | ||
| No, going up to a bunch of people that are angry and don't want to see me and don't know... | ||
| You've got to always bring at least a little bit of your own audience. | ||
| But I did. | ||
| I had my friends there, which made it worse. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| It was the dream that you have where you don't know what the fuck you're doing on stage, and you wake up going, oh, fucking thank God that was just a dream. | ||
| But it was real, and it was really, to this day, I see people that were at that city council meeting, and I go, I should kill myself. | ||
| You hang your head in shame. | ||
| It was fucking... | ||
| How long ago was this? | ||
| Last year. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| We need to change this. | ||
| You gotta move to a new town. | ||
| We need to move this... | ||
| No. | ||
| We need to fucking clean out the town. | ||
| Everybody who's seen that, we need to kill them. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| That's what I thought. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I actually said that on stage. | ||
| No, last week I went up and... | ||
| City Council. | ||
| You redeem yourself? | ||
| No, I didn't redeem us. | ||
| I didn't kill, but I went up and said, hey, listen, we're having a party. | ||
| I want to talk about noise complaints. | ||
| At a city council meeting, you went up and said, hey, listen, we're having a party? | ||
| No, I said, hey, listen, I want to talk about noise complaints. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| There's neighbors that make noise complaints, and you're going to make a lot on May 25th. | ||
| We're having a party. | ||
| Out of respect for a whiskey girl in a nowhere man who died tragically between 6 and 10 p.m. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Don't call the cops. | ||
| Just show up. | ||
| Bring some food. | ||
| Dude, you're running that town. | ||
| Why don't you run for mayor? | ||
| Do you think you would win? | ||
| I could win. | ||
| I could help you. | ||
| But you'd have to show up and it pays $386 a month. | ||
| I don't even want any money. | ||
| And all the people that don't know you will hate you in a safe way. | ||
| No, no, we'll get rid of them. | ||
| Don't move. | ||
| No. | ||
| How much do you think their houses are worth? | ||
| Here's the reality. | ||
| If they really had their shit together, would they be living in Bisbee? | ||
| Most likely, no. | ||
| But you can just launch people in there, move people to town Doug Stanhope. | ||
| They start buying up all these houses of these malcontents who are upset that you're the new mayor. | ||
| When you're on the road, you do your show. | ||
| Let's say there's 500 people at the show. | ||
| At the end of the night, the staff are your only friends. | ||
| You don't fuck with the staff. | ||
| I live with the staff. | ||
| I live with a small, tiny amount of people, and you're going to see them at Safeway every day. | ||
| And if you fuck up what they think is important, meaning city politics in Bisbee... | ||
| I don't want to see those... | ||
| It's the same reason you wouldn't work a cruise ship. | ||
| Because if you suck, you're going to have to see those same people at the buffet and the Lido deck and shuffleboard for another week. | ||
| I see your point. | ||
| I wouldn't work a cruise ship because I don't want to be on a boat in the middle of the fucking ocean trapped with a bunch of people. | ||
| But I see your point. | ||
| Like, if you bomb... | ||
| Don't be mayor. | ||
| What I'm saying is... | ||
| It would be, fuck Hunter Thompson running for sheriff of Woody Creek. | ||
| If you fucking, if you ran for mayor of Bisbee and actually won, it might be the greatest victory that our generation has ever had. | ||
| We have a great mayor! | ||
| Listen, dude, the great mayor's great. | ||
| He'll work for you. | ||
| This is my thoughts. | ||
| You can take over Bisbee, and then from you taking over Bisbee, we just start moving people in. | ||
| Just start... | ||
| People will go, fuck this place, it's going to shit. | ||
| Stan Hope's doing coke. | ||
| They sell their house. | ||
| Cool people buy it. | ||
| I want to be near Stanhope. | ||
| Next thing you know, you got a fucking town filled with Doug Stanhope fans. | ||
| I tell you, whenever I visit you... | ||
| Do you know why I give out my address on your podcast? | ||
| 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona 85603. Let me repeat. | ||
| 212 Van Dyke Street, Bisbee, Arizona 85603. Mail packages to us. | ||
| I can give that out because I can't get my own friends, namely Joe Rogan, to even visit me, much less get psychotics. | ||
| I'd be happy to visit you. | ||
| I'd be happy to visit you. | ||
| You would be. | ||
| I haven't done it, but I would be happy to visit you. | ||
| Well, you're going to buy the cave house. | ||
| I would like to buy that cave house, but then you fucked up. | ||
| Now everybody knows the fucking cave house is where I'm going to be living. | ||
| Everyone's known about the cave house. | ||
| It's been featured in magazines. | ||
| But if I buy the cave house, it's a different thing because you just said you're going to buy the cave house. | ||
| Time share it. | ||
| Airbnb. | ||
| You fucked me up. | ||
| You fucked up my cave house dreams right there by disclosure. | ||
| By involuntary disclosure, you fucked up my cave house dreams. | ||
| That house has been in so many magazines. | ||
| We just need guns and fences and shit. | ||
| We have guns. | ||
| Hire Mexicans. | ||
| I think that you could run that town, dude. | ||
| I think you're already running that town. | ||
| You already own any real estate. | ||
| Have you seen Windy City Heat? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Great show. | ||
| That's what we're looking at. | ||
| It's fine. | ||
| Is to not run for mayor, but run someone for mayor. | ||
| Okay, now I like how you're thinking. | ||
| Enough said. | ||
| Now I like how you're thinking. | ||
| Now I like what you're thinking. | ||
| We're thinking. | ||
| What we need to do is just, there's a lot of people that just really are not totally buying the whole future Bisbee experience. | ||
| We need to get them to start selling. | ||
| You know, it's like a reverse blockbusting. | ||
| Let him know. | ||
| Gentrify Bisbee. | ||
| I already have a guy that's made the logo. | ||
| It's the communist fist with a Rolex on it. | ||
| It says Gentrify Bisbee. | ||
| That's your version of the gonzo fucking two-thumbed holding the peyote button. | ||
| Yeah, gentrify Bisbee in communist lettering. | ||
| Dude, you make it very attractive. | ||
| Moving to the middle of nowhere next to the Mexican border. | ||
| There's some cool places there. | ||
| You couldn't do it. | ||
| It's a cool town. | ||
| I couldn't do it? | ||
| No, you have to have the fucking... | ||
| You need shit around you. | ||
| What do I need around you? | ||
| I'm good just laying in a hammock. | ||
| I don't actually have a hammock. | ||
| I lived in the mountains of Colorado for a while. | ||
| For about two months and fucking fled back here. | ||
| No, it was three months. | ||
| But my wife got pregnant. | ||
| You can't live up there if you're pregnant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| The point is... | ||
| But you can't. | ||
| You're like a tell. | ||
| You have to do a show before the giant show. | ||
| You have to have a big show before the giant show. | ||
| I understand it. | ||
| I'm not downing you. | ||
| What's that mean, the big show before the giant show? | ||
| Well, you go to do UFC and then you do a big theater show before you do the monstrous fucking UFC show. | ||
| And yeah, you thrive on that kind of attention. | ||
| I'm terrified by it. | ||
| When you brought me to UFC, I've never been more scared. | ||
| Even with you, like, just stay with me. | ||
| Rugen! | ||
| Get a picture! | ||
| Fuck you, Hollywood! | ||
| That's my UFC experience in a nutshell. | ||
| Fuck you, Hollywood, and me walking through a crowd. | ||
| Joe, you got me tickets to the Staples Center a couple years ago, and I had never been to UFC, and I absolutely loved it. | ||
| Just transformed. | ||
| Because I was a real boxing fan, purist, and I absolutely fell in love with it. | ||
| But the seats were, like, way up in the top of the arena, and some guy was sitting in my seat, and I mentioned a guy was in my seat. | ||
| I showed him the ticket, and I started talking to the guy. | ||
| He was in, like, the next seat over, and I was so high up, and I had mentioned that Joe Rogan had gotten me the tickets, and the guy turned to me and goes, I thought you were better friends. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because they were so high up. | ||
| How high up were they? | ||
| They were pretty high up. | ||
| Did you get the tickets really last minute or something? | ||
| It must be. | ||
| Probably a couple days before. | ||
| Yeah, that's the problem. | ||
| It was probably sold out. | ||
| That's all I could get you. | ||
| See that little speck down there? | ||
| I know that guy. | ||
| Brian, how many times have you been on the floor? | ||
| Almost every time. | ||
| Yeah, he's always on the floor. | ||
| If you get in touch with me. | ||
| I have pretty good seats. | ||
| Yeah, stand-ups on the floor, too. | ||
| I would have had you on the floor. | ||
| You just can't holler at me two days before. | ||
| It's probably based on that racist bit you did. | ||
| Something about that fucking watermelon chick you need. | ||
| I should have kept that a secret. | ||
| Soldier that you have. | ||
| Was it Black Fighter headlining? | ||
| Yeah, dude, if you ever want to go, just ask me. | ||
| You don't have to drop hints on a podcast. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I'll get you better seats. | ||
| Bill Cosby. | ||
| Fuck, yeah, we're going to go. | ||
| We're going to go see Bill Cosby if you want to go. | ||
| Me and Edwards. | ||
| I'm telling you, I keep hearing he's really fucking funny. | ||
| I keep hearing from a bunch of people that he tells these long, really funny storytelling bits. | ||
| I heard it from Bill Burr. | ||
| I heard it from Ian Edwards heard it, Bill Cosby. | ||
| I heard it from Chris Rock. | ||
| I heard it from a bunch of fucking people that Cosby's fucking hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, I heard the same thing. | ||
| I keep hearing it, man. | ||
| I heard it from a dude, a random dude who doesn't even do comedy in Austin. | ||
| He goes, you know what really fucking surprised me? | ||
| He goes, my friends took me out to see Bill Cosby, and I was like, I don't want to go see Bill Cosby, man. | ||
| He's like 80 years old. | ||
| What the fuck am I going to get out of this? | ||
| He goes, dude, I was fucking crying last week. | ||
| He goes, for the first five minutes, you go, what am I getting into? | ||
| Because he doesn't have an opening act. | ||
| He just goes out there and he starts talking. | ||
| For the first five minutes, it takes a while to build up. | ||
| I'm like, what am I doing? | ||
| Oh my god, what am I fucking sitting through? | ||
| How long is this going to be? | ||
| He goes, then you start fucking... | ||
| He starts tying things together. | ||
| You start fucking laughing. | ||
| And then it goes deeper and deeper. | ||
| Apparently, he's been touring. | ||
| You go look at his schedule. | ||
| He's fucking touring a lot. | ||
| And you look at his schedule. | ||
| I saw him working out a lot of that shit at the Comedy Cellar. | ||
| Are you joking? | ||
| Yeah, I'm joking. | ||
| He doesn't work it out at all. | ||
| He does it on stage, but he's working every night. | ||
| I'm imagining Bill Cosby bumping someone at the Comedy Cellar at midnight to work out some new shit. | ||
| He's still doing two theater shows a night in some places. | ||
| I mean, he's doing a lot of shows. | ||
| He's got all those illegitimate kids to take care of. | ||
| He's also had a few lawsuits. | ||
| Date rape, something, something. | ||
| Whatever, whatever. | ||
| Would you like to see my foot and pop? | ||
| Between lengthy phone calls to black comics about how they're ruining the fucking... | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Listen, he's 100%. | ||
| He's flawed. | ||
| He's definitely flawed. | ||
| But my idea of it is not to connect him to the art form that I appreciate. | ||
| I appreciate guys like you, guys like you, Diaz... | ||
| I understand. | ||
| I don't like clean comedy. | ||
| I'm saying Donald Sterling needs the same fucking decency. | ||
| Hey, that's an old feeble fucking dude that America is up in arms about. | ||
| Rather than the justice system, which is really abusively racist. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Bill Cosby... | ||
| Donald Sterling, tour together. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I see your point. | ||
| Can I switch headphones with Tom Rhodes so it looks like he said that? | ||
| I'm not in support of anything that Donald Sterling or Bill Cosby said, but I think that... | ||
| It's tough to ignore Cosby as a craftsman. | ||
| And Sterling's not that funny. | ||
| And I think Sterling's pretty funny when he's trying to bang a 20-year-old and he's fucking 81. I think it's funny that he pulls it off. | ||
| Everybody's like, oh my god, he bought her a Bentley and a Ferrari. | ||
| You have to buy him a Bentley and a Ferrari. | ||
| If you have a billion dollars, a Bentley and a Ferrari is like buying a chicken necklace. | ||
| You buy her something pretty and she sucks your dick. | ||
| And then if you're lucky, she'll do it again in six months. | ||
| But he shouldn't have missed the payment. | ||
| If you're a billionaire guy and you're banging some psycho side pussy, make sure they got the payment. | ||
| You know what happens is these guys get fucking greedy and they don't realize how much a billion dollars really is. | ||
| I've been that guy. | ||
| You can give a chick like that. | ||
| I've been that guy where you're so desperate for a chick not to leave you that's out of your league. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You start talking racial shit to make her feel uncomfortable. | ||
| I have said so much worse shit. | ||
| That's what he did. | ||
| He said some racial shit to make her feel uncomfortable, man. | ||
| You know, I mean, I think that's what happened. | ||
| I mean, that's what he said happened. | ||
| I think he's just an asshole. | ||
| Just an old asshole. | ||
| And he didn't know that he was being recorded. | ||
| She came on CNN like two days later and he goes, I'm his silly rabbit. | ||
| Did you see that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Like two days later, I'm his... | ||
| I'm his silly rabbit. | ||
| He has a view of race that might be inappropriate to someone. | ||
| A racist doesn't hire black general managers and coaches. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's not a fucking Klansman. | ||
| There's real racism in the world. | ||
| Sports people are not your fucking... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, one thing it wasn't talked about, you know... | ||
| Pillars of morality. | ||
| Did he say it in his own house? | ||
| I mean, you should be able to say whatever you want in your own house, right? | ||
| Well, apparently he's got... | ||
| That's what's kind of Orwellian about it. | ||
| But they never said where it was recorded. | ||
| He never said, you know what? | ||
| Why would he bring the side pussy to his house? | ||
| I'm gonna fuck these niggers over. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| My team's gonna be all white. | ||
| I'm gonna... | ||
| Well, apparently, here's the deal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He said, please... | |
| He said, fuck... | ||
| Go ahead and fuck... | ||
| Black guys. | ||
| Michael, not Michael, Jordan. | ||
| Magic Johnson. | ||
| Magic Johnson. | ||
| Is that... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Feed him. | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| Just please don't put pictures on Instagram. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If that's racist... | ||
| Well, the idea is that it's racist because he's in this great position of power. | ||
| People keep contacting me. | ||
| Go in there fucking a black guy. | ||
| It's the culture. | ||
| They call him. | ||
| Did you, Donald, did you really buy that broad? | ||
| You bought her a Ferrari? | ||
|
unidentified
|
And look at her taking the pictures of Michael J. You know that magic. | |
| Magic fucks everything he can. | ||
| You know that, right? | ||
| Magic is just constantly fucking this broad. | ||
| And you're buying her a Rolls Royce. | ||
| You don't want to get the AIDS, honey, because he has the AIDS and she's taking pictures. | ||
| You know what Magic bought her? | ||
| He bought her a dick sandwich. | ||
| That's what he bought her. | ||
| I have a black girlfriend, and I said, it's okay if you fuck another black guy, just don't put pictures on the internet so people fuck with me. | ||
| That's a racist now. | ||
| That is a racist, a guy with a black girlfriend that he's cheating on his wife with, saying, you can fuck other black guys, just don't put it on the internet. | ||
| That's racism. | ||
| Um, listen, he doesn't know any better. | ||
| These are quotes! | ||
| He doesn't know any better, Doug Stanhope. | ||
| He doesn't know any better than to not fuck a black girl if you're a racist. | ||
| If you're a racist, Donald, you get it wrong. | ||
| You don't fuck black girls, and you don't say it's okay to fuck other black guys as long as you don't put it on the internet. | ||
| Did you see that shit? | ||
| Last time we talked about it, we brought up the fact that maybe he had Alzheimer's or something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, that's what they're trying to say now, that he has the early stages of dementia. | |
| So he forgot that he's dating a black girl. | ||
| No, well, that's the whole reason why the whole recording was being done in the first place. | ||
| He can't remember the things he said. | ||
| So part of her job, she actually works for him, part of her job is that she's supposed to record his conversations. | ||
| So he can talk about things and she can bring it up, what he's already talked about. | ||
| So he knows what he said. | ||
| Apparently he's like going mental. | ||
| Right, and so she releases the tapes. | ||
| Sterling thinks... | ||
| That's what she said. | ||
| He said the opposite, evidently. | ||
| I read the transcript because I don't have cable at my Airbnb, but my girlfriend pissed her bed, so we're even... | ||
| It didn't hit the mattress. | ||
| It didn't. | ||
| I think it's a sad state. | ||
| It's a sad state when you want to fucking shit on an old man who's alone in his home and everybody's going off on him. | ||
| Everybody's going to say, oh, how could you stick up for him? | ||
| He's got all this money. | ||
| He's an old man that wanted to get some pussy. | ||
| It's a sad state when people are... | ||
| Being let off fucking death row only because of the Innocence Project clearing their name because they were black. | ||
| They were convicted of shit and spending 20 years in prison. | ||
| The justice system, fucking cops shooting black kids because they thought they had a gun. | ||
| And that's not blowing up in the news. | ||
| That's not trending on Twitter. | ||
| A fucking old feeble man going, fuck Michael Jordan or... | ||
| Magic Johnson. | ||
| No, I couldn't agree more. | ||
| I mean, obviously in perspective, but the idea is, of course, we're paying attention to this guy because he's a billionaire. | ||
| Because he owns a gigantic sports franchise. | ||
| And he also made a shit-fucked ton of money off of black people. | ||
| And apparently he's not happy about black people banging his side piece. | ||
| The whole thing is hilarious that it's so mild, the things that he said, whether it's racist or not, so mild in the context that he said it in the comfort of his own home. | ||
| There was no racial slurs. | ||
| There was nothing defamatory. | ||
| There's no, they're less than us. | ||
| They're not white. | ||
| They're not us. | ||
| I heard that he lent Jerry West the money to buy the Lakers. | ||
| So that guy single-handedly is responsible for basketball in Los Angeles. | ||
| Well, he's a fucking rich dude. | ||
| He's super successful, but he's a cunt. | ||
| He's been a cunt forever. | ||
| He's been racially discriminating against people that lived in his properties, but so have a million other people. | ||
| He was 60 when the internet came out. | ||
| I'm not sticking up for the guy. | ||
| He ain't a great guy. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| He ain't a great guy. | ||
| He's not a perfect example of what an 80-year-old person who's learned from lifetime mistakes can be. | ||
| He's not. | ||
| He's an old billionaire who wanted to get his dick sucked by some crazy bitch, so he talked a lot of shit. | ||
| And we found out about it because it got out. | ||
| It was a private thing. | ||
| How many people out there have that grandfather-slash-uncle-slash-guy that you listen to him at Thanksgiving dinner say way worse shit with, like... | ||
| The epithets, saying nigger and spick and everything, and you all just go, do you want some more butternut squash, Uncle Harry? | ||
| Yeah, but the thing is, everything's going to be recorded. | ||
| There's just recording devices everywhere. | ||
| Well, it's an example of what we're learning. | ||
| It's very Orwellian. | ||
| We're going to have to just be constantly aware of what we're saying. | ||
| Stop, police! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop, police! | |
| Get out of my fucking head! | ||
| All right, closer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Drop the headphones and leave. | |
| Well, you're voluntarily doing that by doing something like this, right? | ||
| For three hours, you're giving up your thoughts. | ||
| I think there's not going to be any secrets. | ||
| I think I'm going to go you one further. | ||
| There's not going to be any money. | ||
| Because money is information. | ||
| Money right now is just ones and zeros on a fucking website somewhere. | ||
| I mean, that's what Bitcoin's going to be. | ||
| That's what the money, essentially, that we have now. | ||
| It's not backed by gold. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| The end of secrecy, it's a bit I've never done enough hallucinogens to work out. | ||
| But the fact that you will never have a private thought. | ||
| Yeah, there's not going to be any private inner voice. | ||
| But you know what? | ||
| We want to think of it as like everything that we experience in our lifetime is like a static thing that has to stay like this. | ||
| But it never does. | ||
| It never has. | ||
| From the moment that some fucking weird little... | ||
| Sneaky little multi-celled thing crawled out of the ocean. | ||
| It's never been the same. | ||
| Everything keeps changing. | ||
| It's going to keep changing. | ||
| And what we're doing right now is we're figuring out new ways to not be able to hide shit. | ||
| Not be able to hide ideas. | ||
| Not be able to hide the very thoughts in your own fucking mind. | ||
| Not just what you say when you're trying to bang your side piece and she's recording you because your mind is mush. | ||
| No, that's the new coin term because of Donald Sterling. | ||
| It's No, that's been around forever. | ||
| It's called side bitch now. | ||
| No, that's only in your circle. | ||
| Jesus, why are you so rude? | ||
| He's a massaginist. | ||
| I know. | ||
| He got some porn star pussy at some point and all of a sudden... | ||
| This is just indicative of some greater trend that's going on. | ||
| That greater trend is the access to information. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| It's information, whether it's information... | ||
| The idea that what you say in a room is just like there's an echo and it dies off. | ||
| It's not going to die off anymore. | ||
| There's not going to be an echo. | ||
| There's going to be a recording and it's going to change the very dimension that you exist in. | ||
| The very world that you interface with is a completely different world now. | ||
| And it's because the very things that come out of your mouth are no longer temporary. | ||
| They're now resourceable. | ||
| They're now researchable. | ||
| You can go back and find them. | ||
| You put them in a bank. | ||
| You hold on to them. | ||
| You have them on a phone. | ||
| You have them in a database in Utah because the NSA has collected all your emails. | ||
| As long as there's a Donald Sterling that doesn't matter versus the cop who's caught on tape You know, hitting a fucking guy with a baton. | ||
| But they're getting in trouble, too. | ||
| I mean, the guy who just shot that 83-year-old lady, the 83-year-old lady. | ||
| 93. 93? | ||
| Crazy lady, had a gun, screaming and yelling. | ||
| Guy came in and just unloaded on her, just pumped a fucking ton of bullets into her. | ||
| It's every week. | ||
| Every week. | ||
| They're like, what are you doing? | ||
| You didn't just shoot the old lady once. | ||
| You shot a fucking dozen bullets in her direction or something crazy like that. | ||
| It is every week, and it doesn't make sense, and it's not fair. | ||
| And that is being exposed not as much as the people like the Donald Sterlings, but enough that you see a trend. | ||
| If you just looked at it completely objectively outside the ideas of social justice, and just look at it like a scientific observation. | ||
| If you look at it like that, you go, well yeah, Mel Gibson got fucked over by some crazy cunt, and Donald Sterling, he's an old man. | ||
| But he's screaming, I hope you get raped by a pack! | ||
| A nigger! | ||
| No one's saying, turn in your fucking SAG card. | ||
| Because they take it into account that he's a fucking entertainer, and they give him a little bit of slack. | ||
| But stepping outside the idea of justice. | ||
| He doesn't give black people hundreds of millions of dollars. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Like Donald Sterling, who goes, please don't fuck black people. | ||
| I don't think you should quantify who's better. | ||
| I don't think you should quantify who's better. | ||
| I think what I look at it on, I try to not think of myself being connected. | ||
| What would I do if I was an old crazy guy like Donald Sterling or Mel Gibson? | ||
| I go, what's going on? | ||
| What's going on is there's not going to be any secrets. | ||
| You better get used to it. | ||
| Because it slowly happens with a TMZ tape that the fucking mistress of Donald Sterling releases or Mel Gibson's crazy rants, his racist rants at a cop or, you know, whatever. | ||
| But when you're sitting in a cubicle and you went on a date with another guy in the office and you're typing on Facebook going, he's fucking... | ||
| He was kind of nice, but he's filthy and he has bad breath and he chews with his mouth open. | ||
| All of a sudden, yeah, now you're reading that on Facebook about you. | ||
| It's no longer TMZ about some celebrity. | ||
| Now you're finding out the truth about how someone feels about you on the internet. | ||
| And you go, oh my god, that's how people feel about me? | ||
| I'm just a guy in another cubicle. | ||
| Yeah, people find out shit about you without being famous. | ||
| You're not famous, but you read, oh, this is my cousin just said this about me in social networking, and now I know, yeah, no one has any secrets. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's a ripple effect. | ||
| I mean, right now it's hitting the celebrities first, but it's going to go deeper and deeper into the culture. | ||
| There's no getting around it, man. | ||
| What we're experiencing now is not going to be where the future is. | ||
| The future is going to be we're going to be able to read each other's fucking minds. | ||
| They're really close to it. | ||
| They're coming up with technology on a day-to-day basis that is establishing the very steps to take to not just be able to send each other pictures or emails on a phone, but to be able to do it mind to mind. | ||
| They're working on that. | ||
| It's not like an impossibility. | ||
| It's an inevitability. | ||
| It's just a matter of how long it's going to take before the technology becomes viable. | ||
| They're working on it. | ||
| Unless we get hit by an asteroid or invaded by aliens or we blow each other up in a nuclear war, it's coming. | ||
| Worst fear about reincarnation is... | ||
| I'll be dead before that happens. | ||
| Oh wait, I'll come back? | ||
| Well not only that, what if they come up with something that fucking regenerates you? | ||
| What if they come up with something like this mouse thing where they're injecting young mice blood into these mice and making the mice regenerate And they're actually regenerating brain tissue and reversing the signs of aging. | ||
| This is like legitimate scientific experiments they're doing on mice where they're showing that this is a potential thing that might work on all mammals. | ||
| It might not just only work on mice. | ||
| It might be something they could do with anybody. | ||
| I saw this on Sullivan and Son. | ||
| Hey, speaking of Sullivan and Son... | ||
| If they offered that to you, would you just assume, like, I'd rather not? | ||
| I'd rather fucking go out in a blaze of camels? | ||
| He has to fucking... | ||
| I just gave you an opening, you said, before the show. | ||
| You need to mention Sullivan and Son. | ||
| They get older. | ||
| Their fucking prostate swell up. | ||
| They have a very small little bladder. | ||
| It's like a coin purse for a child. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I spent so much time dealing with my prostate one-on-one that... | ||
| One-on-one with two fingers or what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, are you using a glove or are you just going raw dog? | |
| Do you snip your nails? | ||
| Do you file down the edges? | ||
| Are you just fucking crazy? | ||
| Just go in there ragged with a coke nail. | ||
| One of those fucking big ones from Dracula that's a silver with a tip on the end. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| I just tear up the inside of your asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I find my prostate and introduce it to a world of pain. | |
| Hellraiser style. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking... | |
| That last soliloquy of mine that evidently didn't make sense to you, that was the eye roll. | ||
| It's the reason I don't do podcasts by myself. | ||
| It makes sense. | ||
| Eventually Joe Rogan has to frown on me and I go... | ||
| Hey, that's an hour. | ||
| Neither one of us. | ||
| Neither one of us are... | ||
| I mean, there's no right or wrong. | ||
| We're both making sense. | ||
| You know, it's like there's a bunch of different points to this whole thing. | ||
| You're absolutely right that it's one of the most minor forms of racism ever where people are having this massive amount of outrage. | ||
| But people always have massive amounts of outrage. | ||
| He's fucking a black girl. | ||
| But people have massive amounts of outrage at anything a billionaire does, especially if that billionaire owns a bunch of black people. | ||
| No, they have massive amounts of outrage at what CNN tells them to be outraged about. | ||
| That's true, too. | ||
| But this is one of those things where if you have a billionaire who owns a bunch of black people's contracts, he owns a bunch of teams. | ||
| Thank God there was a parenthesis. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha! | |
| That was my tweet. | ||
| I go, I want to buy the LA Clippers, but I don't have the money, but I think it would be racist to buy just one. | ||
| If you own a team, do you own the contracts? | ||
| I mean, how do you own it? | ||
| I mean, you're essentially, you own the business that's employing X amount of black people. | ||
| It's interesting to see how the 1% lives. | ||
| This guy can buy his chick a Ferrari. | ||
| He doesn't care. | ||
| He loses $2.5 million. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is that? | |
| It's a Chris Rock bit. | ||
| The Chris Rock bit was there's a difference between rich and wealthy. | ||
| Shaq is rich. | ||
| The guy that signs Shaq's check is wealthy. | ||
| That's a great bit. | ||
| That's a great bit. | ||
| I don't even think we could wrap our heads around the idea of the 1%. | ||
| The real Rockefeller type money that's been in their circulation of their family for fucking generation after generation. | ||
| I think it's so insane. | ||
| It's so decadent. | ||
| I mean, the reason why we have these ideas about, like, skull and crossbones, the nepotism that, you know, these family fucking groups that get handed down. | ||
| My son will be in skull and crossbones as well. | ||
| They all get together and they put on diapers and paddle each other and suck each other's dicks and take Polaroids of it, put it in a vault in the middle of fucking Yale, somewhere deep in a dungeon. | ||
| I mean, that's because these guys have been in control of some ridiculous thing that they should have never had the power to wrap their fucking greedy little fingers around. | ||
| Billions and billions and billions of dollars with no work at all. | ||
| They were born into it. | ||
| And they're born into this, and they're like, this is our legacy. | ||
| We have to protect this. | ||
| It happens on every level of society. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| It does. | ||
| It does. | ||
| Whenever someone has, like, a real solid control... | ||
| You're a cab dispatcher, and you're going to give your friend that drinks with you the better fucking fare... | ||
| Yeah, but that's like a friendship thing. | ||
| There's a difference between what that is. | ||
| Conspiracy theory naysayers. | ||
| Conspiracy theories happen in this fucking room. | ||
| People conspire against each other on some level. | ||
| Right, but on this guy's level, why is it such a surprise to people that he looks at it like a plantation workers? | ||
| That these are... | ||
| You know, his property. | ||
| I think probably a lot of billionaires have that attitude. | ||
| He's nothing compared to the same way you bring openers in case Joey Diaz doesn't show up. | ||
| Hey, you know what? | ||
| You're lower than Joey Diaz, but you're here for a reason. | ||
| That's the same kind of theory as, hey, you work for me. | ||
| What? | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Hang on. | ||
| Someone else make that make sense, because that does. | ||
| Hold on a second. | ||
| You're saying to a guy that you're less than Joey Diaz, that's the same as the Donald Sterling guy? | ||
| You own your fucking openers. | ||
| You're a plantation owner. | ||
| You own your openers. | ||
| To the extent that Donald Sterling does. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| I feel terrible now. | ||
| No! | ||
| No, I'm saying he shouldn't feel terrible. | ||
| He's paying the motherfuckers. | ||
| He's an old cunt. | ||
| He's like he's born in a different era. | ||
| And that's what Duncan Trussell said to you behind your back. | ||
| It was a great show. | ||
| I should have been Joey Diaz the whole time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's funny. | |
| You see this show? | ||
| John D. Rockefeller is worth $340 billion. | ||
| Not million. | ||
| Billion dollars. | ||
| That's the number one richest American of all time. | ||
| Number one richest. | ||
| But that guy's dead. | ||
| That's not helping him. | ||
| But his family. | ||
| But John D. Rockefeller, when did he die? | ||
| He died in 1937. Yeah, that doesn't count. | ||
| I think that's the point. | ||
| No one cares. | ||
| He's such a bar. | ||
| You can't take that pussy with you, said Tom Rhodes. | ||
| I was talking to somebody a couple weeks ago, and every time I mentioned someone's name, the entertainer, the guy was on the internet, and I think it's like networth.com. | ||
| You can punch in anybody's name, and it says what their net worth is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| It was incredible. | ||
| I looked myself up to see if it was accurate. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Who the fuck do you talk to that does that? | ||
| If they do that, stop talking to them. | ||
| Stern talks about it all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's such bullshit. | |
| Have you checked it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Check it right now and see if it's close. | ||
| I don't even know. | ||
| I might be off by a million. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My cousin's a cop in Florida and I got to drive with him one night. | |
| But to see if it's accurate. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Substantiated? | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| My point is not whether or not it's accurate. | ||
| My point is who the fuck you tell a guy who you're talking about and the guy immediately goes and checks his worth? | ||
| I'll tell you who cares. | ||
| S or V Stiviano cares. | ||
| And her name's Vanessa. | ||
| Stop saying V. By the way, it's not even her name. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| It's a fake name. | ||
| She's got a bunch of aliases. | ||
| Either way, but she branded herself as V. Stiviano. | ||
| Fuck you, you're a gold-digging cunt, but we'll go with Vanessa. | ||
| Hey, she's a nice girl who has something to offer. | ||
| Look, she's not carrying logs. | ||
| She's not being a fucking woodcutter for the mill. | ||
| Those guys don't want to be there either. | ||
| She's sucking old rich guy dick. | ||
| She might start a new industry. | ||
| I appreciate a scam, but when you get busted at it, just say, yeah. | ||
| It's not a scam! | ||
| Listen, in my opinion, it's a noble profession that's been around longer than any other profession in history. | ||
| And she's going to inspire a lot of other young girls to be yours. | ||
| Fucking old guy! | ||
| Not fucking him all the time! | ||
| It's all about what they're worth. | ||
| Look, if he was George Clooney, that chick would be fucking him all the time. | ||
| But he's not! | ||
| He's an 81-year-old bag of meat. | ||
| He's an old wrinkly coin sack filled with flesh and some shitty hollow chicken bones that barely carry his old wounded hips around his fucking million dollar mansion. | ||
| He's an old fuck, okay? | ||
| And she fucks him when she has to fuck him. | ||
| And no more and no less. | ||
| And that's what the market dictates. | ||
| If it was George Clooney, if it was Chuck Liddell, Chuck Liddell would fuck her anytime he wanted to. | ||
| Because he's an animal and he's alive and he's still a man. | ||
| This is a guy who's barely clinging on to the very cellular existence that he maintains in this dimension. | ||
| His body's ready to tap the fuck out. | ||
| So when she fucks him is when she fucks him. | ||
| And that's the deal. | ||
| You buy the Bentley, you pay the Ferrari, you take your fucking ride. | ||
| and that's how the market's set. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's nothing wrong with what she's doing. | |
| There's nothing wrong with what he's doing either. | ||
| Both of them are doing fine work. | ||
| And then when you fucking tape record that guy for no reason just to fuck him over. | ||
| I don't think she tape recorded him to fuck him over. | ||
| What I understand about this story is she let the tape recording out to fuck him over. | ||
| But part of her job was to tape record him because the dude's got a job. | ||
| Jesus, come on. | ||
| She let it out. | ||
| And then when she went on CNN like two days later and she was on there. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| She did a fucking Barbara Walters interview. | ||
| She's going to inspire young girls all over America to be fucking old guys. | ||
| Branding her own fucking dumb ass. | ||
| She comes out on Barbara Walters and she says, I'm Mr. Sterling's right arm... | ||
| Right-hand man. | ||
| It's like, you whore, you have one line we've taught you to say to cover this up! | ||
| We woodshedded you on this one line! | ||
| She had one fucking line she was supposed to say for the news fucking soundbite, and she fucked it up. | ||
| Are you saying you did not look at that chick for a fraction of a second and summer up completely knowing what a horrible fucking L.A. gold digger, whatever label... | ||
| She was fishing him the whole time. | ||
| Well, no doubt. | ||
| But it's like my old bit about Anna Nicole Smith and her fucking husband, J. Howard Marshall, that billionaire guy, that everybody was like, no, but the idea is that, well, of course. | ||
| That's the deal. | ||
| You're 90 fucking years old, and the girl's young. | ||
| That's the deal. | ||
| That's the deal. | ||
| She took it a step beyond the deal. | ||
| I 100% agree. | ||
| Let me fucking put Andy Andrus in the mix. | ||
| To the point where you go, okay, you stepped over the fucking man boundary of what the line is. | ||
| You don't tape me and then put that out there for no reason just to make me look like an asshole after the fact. | ||
| Yes, I agree with you. | ||
| I think that she is a bad person. | ||
| No doubt about it. | ||
| No doubt about it. | ||
| But also, he's a bad person. | ||
| And who knows what fucking chaos she grew up with. | ||
| And who knows what fucking shit he said that she didn't record. | ||
| Who knows what the fuck their relationship is. | ||
| But what I know is that, like, vultures circling, carrying. | ||
| This is all over the news. | ||
| I mean, we're in the middle of two fucking wars. | ||
| You know, Russia is invading the Ukraine. | ||
| We've got all kinds of chaos all over the world. | ||
| And everybody's focusing on nonsense. | ||
| An old man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Including us. | |
| Yeah, it's the three-mark card monkey. | ||
| Nothing funny about the Ukraine. | ||
| If the Ukraine had ass-fucking, we'd be talking about it. | ||
| We're legitimate social commentators. | ||
| In this DNA, we count as legitimate social commentators. | ||
| We're doing our job to point out the fruitlessness of this pursuit. | ||
| Go out tomorrow and do something nice for someone you don't know. | ||
| That's my point. | ||
| Just hug some fucking people. | ||
| Have a barbecue. | ||
| Yeah, don't care. | ||
| Don't even talk about Donald Sterling. | ||
| Buy that cave house in Bisbee so I don't. | ||
| Move in. | ||
| Move in. | ||
| Take those 35 acres. | ||
| If we could get 52 buyers one week a year. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| A fucking timeshare in a cave in Bisbee. | ||
| I'm in for a week. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Call it the Mushroom Palace where you just go to eat mushrooms and then just rent it out. | |
| If we can make a legit deal with the police department. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you smoking cigarettes? | |
| No. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Red band. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| If we can make a... | ||
| I have to, but you... | ||
| You fucking smoked cigarettes for three hours. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't... | |
| I don't look over there. | ||
| If we can make a legitimate deal. | ||
| That's not part of the show. | ||
| That's production. | ||
| If we can make a legitimate deal with the local government. | ||
| Just fucking, you know, somebody we know becomes mayor and works something out. | ||
| Some sort of an on it, shamanic retreat down in Bisbee, Arizona. | ||
| If you're mayor, you're a target. | ||
| We have a nice little underground tunnel somewhere near a cave. | ||
| I told you off the air stories, I told you three of them about how... | ||
| Yeah, great Bisbee is. | ||
| And I'll tell you the fourth one after we're off. | ||
| This is what we do. | ||
| We get someone on your death pool to be the mayor. | ||
| And we replace him with the most likely candidate every year. | ||
| So we constantly got mayors. | ||
| There's no celebrities in Bisbee. | ||
| Not now, but you had fucking Jake LaMotta in your living room, dude. | ||
| I saw the pictures. | ||
| He's not dead yet. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Jake LaMotta as mayor of Bisbee. | ||
| You follow what I'm saying? | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| And then who's his vice president? | ||
| Wayne Newton. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| Somebody else is ready to fucking go. | ||
| We've talked about it. | ||
| You need to... | ||
| It's not the mayor. | ||
| It's the sheriff. | ||
| Are you partying with Johnny Depp or is that a fake Johnny Depp? | ||
| Is that a real Johnny Depp? | ||
| Who's that guy over here? | ||
| Whatever, whatever. | ||
| I'll tell you another time. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| It's a real guy. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Okay, so forget about Johnny Depp partying at your house. | ||
| There's people that we could have that could be mayoral candidates to work something out. | ||
| We've got a little utopia going on here, but it's a bit of a shell game. | ||
| It's a bit of a shell game. | ||
| Right now, it's utopia for me. | ||
| Maybe you move in, all the fucking vultures follow you. | ||
| It was so nice until Rogan moved in and ruined the neighborhood. | ||
| Everybody started crossfitting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They all start running up hills with sandbags. | |
| Getting their blood mixed. | ||
| They're all drinking ionized water and fucking getting vampire blood. | ||
| Kettlebell Boulevard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like the idea. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I met Steve Byrne the other night. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| I heard that Tom Rhodes... | ||
| Hey, he's got a sitcom, doesn't he? | ||
| He's got a TV show that Tom Rhodes is on. | ||
| Steve Byrne... | ||
| I'm at a place now where I've met so many comics over the years and I've been kind of away from them for 10 years that I met Steve Byrne and I assumed I knew him. | ||
| And he's like, oh, it's so nice to meet you. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| Don't we already know each other? | ||
| Because you're so familiar. | ||
| And I was in a drunken state. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Tom saw me there. | ||
| This fucking story just got shady. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm not buying this at all. | ||
| Well, it's like Amy Schumer. | ||
| I don't know if... | ||
| I assume I've met her because she looks familiar and now she's famous. | ||
| So I just assume... | ||
| We probably met at a festival somewhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Because she got famous, like... | ||
| On the sneak tip? | ||
| Early... | ||
| After me. | ||
| Like, after my career... | ||
| So I go, we probably met at Montreal. | ||
| So Steve Byrne, he's like, no, I've never met you. | ||
| And I'm like, maybe I'm just drunk. | ||
| I thought I did. | ||
| So I saw you there. | ||
| Yeah, I ran into you. | ||
| I saw you at the improv. | ||
| And Steve Byrne was there also. | ||
| This is what, Saturday night? | ||
| Yeah, I'm screaming drinks for all my friends or whatever. | ||
| Steve Byrne, I have a lot of friends who have television shows, like good friends of mine, and I've never been on them. | ||
| Steve is a guy I know. | ||
| He's a friend, but not like a really good friend. | ||
| That Saturday night, you were plastered, and then you left, and then I was talking to him, and he's, when are you leaving town? | ||
| I'm like, Wednesday. | ||
| He goes, oh, that's great. | ||
| We tape... | ||
| On Tuesdays, and there's a role that will be perfect for you. | ||
| He goes, you got a second? | ||
| Pulls out his phone, calls his executive producer, gets off the phone, he goes, we rehearse Monday and film Tuesday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I met him first that night! | |
| I had nothing! | ||
| Well, the role was a part of a road comic that sucks his cock. | ||
| It's a very complicated piece. | ||
| Back to the front desk guy blowing you for material. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I could have had my teeth removed. | ||
| End scene. | ||
| This is the end. | ||
| We ran out of time in three hours. | ||
| We did a 500th podcast. | ||
| Wow, 500. You gentlemen were the part of the 500th. | ||
| You ever done 500 times three hours? | ||
| Just to see what that is. | ||
| I don't think it really is three hours, because I think a lot of them are two, but most of them are three. | ||
| The majority of them, probably like 80% of three. | ||
| This is the end. | ||
| This is the end. | ||
| My only friend. | ||
| Where are you going, bitch? | ||
| Asia. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I went to Asia for a month. | ||
| How dare you, Tom Rhodes? | ||
| Vietnam! | ||
| I'm going to Hawaii. | ||
| Maybe we'll be on the same flight. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| They're going the same direction. | ||
| Layover in Honolulu. | ||
| Where are you going to Hawaii? | ||
| Are you doing gigs? | ||
| No. | ||
| You ever do a gig? | ||
| Mileage grab. | ||
| I need to do a gig. | ||
| Yeah, last time I... You met a front desk guy that blew you. | ||
| Last time I was doing a mileage grab, I go through Hawaii and I just tweeted, hey, I'm going to Hawaii. | ||
| Set me up with a gig. | ||
| Anyone. | ||
| And within, I think, 12 hours it was done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And so I tried it again. | ||
| I didn't actually tweet it. | ||
| This time I went back to the same guy. | ||
| Well, Eddie Ift is there that night. | ||
| Well, that's because they saw your council meeting. | ||
| Well, no, I'm going to see Eddie Ift. | ||
| Hey, there's my plug. | ||
| Well, I have some dates coming up in Seattle and Portland and shit in June. | ||
| Go to my website. | ||
| But go see Eddie Ift in Honolulu on Saturday night. | ||
| See me in Seoul, Korea next week. | ||
| This Saturday? | ||
| This Saturday coming up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know what that date is. | ||
| Well, just Google it. | ||
| Make sure the date's correct. | ||
| I'll be seeing Eddie Ift. | ||
| There you go, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| I'll be in the audience. | ||
| Happy to be there. | ||
| Tom Rhodes is underscore Tom R-H-O-D-E-S. Whoever the fuck this original Tom Rhodes is that got it. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I remember you told me once you shouldn't use underscore. | ||
| No one can figure out where to find underscore. | ||
| I had a hard time finding you. | ||
| I don't want anyone to follow me who can't find underscore. | ||
| I said that about both of you recently on a podcast. | ||
| Why don't you have your fucking audience go after whoever has JoeRogan.com and fucking just assassinate until he gives up the website? | ||
| He's a nice old dude who happens to be older than me and he's been Joe Rogan longer than I have. | ||
| Fuck him. | ||
| He wanted to sell it to me. | ||
| He wanted to sell it to me, but he wanted a lot of money. | ||
| TomRhodes.com gave me TomRhodes.net. | ||
| That's glorious. | ||
| Said all I had to do was give him free tickets for life whenever I played in Dallas. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's actually pretty good. | |
| And he's always a real estate guy in Dallas. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| Yours is a real estate guy, too. | ||
| Mine's a real estate guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck real estate! | |
| Boise Auto. | ||
| Kill the landlords! | ||
| Fuck property. | ||
| Fuck property. | ||
| Fuck property rights. | ||
| Except for the cave house. | ||
| Except for the cave house. | ||
| It only takes bitcoins. | ||
| That's the shamanic center. | ||
| Once we get the fucking raging bull to be the mayor, we have the whole rules changed. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| This podcast is over. | ||
| This has been the 500th one. | ||
| We thank you very much for all of it. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| We started out in a living room, just fucking around with a laptop, and now it's become something that's completely out of our hands. | ||
| It's on you guys as much as it is me, and I appreciate the fuck out all of you. | ||
| I can't say anything without sounding rehearsed and insincere, but I couldn't be more honest about it. | ||
| You sound so Ting and LegalZoom to me. | ||
| Well, LegalZoom is next. | ||
| Go to LegalZoom.com. | ||
| Use the code word ROGAN. Save yourself some money. | ||
| Go to Rogan.Ting.com. | ||
| Save $25. | ||
| Go to LegalZoom and use the password NORM. 500 episodes, you dirty fucks. | ||
| That's such a wicked inside joke that if anyone gets it, I'll give you a free ticket. | ||
| Doug Stanhope, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Go to DougStanhope.com and leave your feces in brown paper bags. | ||
| 212 Van Dyke. | ||
| Go visit him. | ||
| He doesn't believe people visit him. | ||
| But people, please visit him. | ||
| Just once. | ||
| For once in your life. | ||
| Follow his schedule. | ||
| Find out the days that are off. | ||
| Email him. | ||
| He'll email you back. | ||
| Show up and bring beef jerky. | ||
| We'd love the fuck out of here. | ||
| We'll see you soon. | ||
| Bye-bye. | ||
| Much love. | ||
| You got something to say? | ||
| Friday, we'll be in Vegas with Tony Hinchcliffe and Sarah Tiana. | ||
| Friday, Vegas, go. | ||
| It's at a pool hall, too. | ||
| Bring your chalk. | ||
| The chalk there is very slippery. |
Export Selection