March 24, 2014 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:35:15
Participants
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
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| I hate people that correct you when you use the term literally. | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| They've literally now has that term in the dictionary. | ||
| It's not just figuratively. | ||
| Literally, if you look up, the definition of literally has changed in the actual fucking dictionary. | ||
| So when people correct you and say, actually, it's not literally. | ||
| You go, actually, you need to update your fucking dictionary, bitch. | ||
| Because we won. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Bad grammar won. | ||
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| Boom! | ||
| Eat dick yo. | ||
| Look how easy he did that. | ||
| How long did that take you to do? | ||
| Like one second? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| That's my new logo. | ||
| It's an elk, and it says eat dick yo. | ||
| I'm not sure about the bottom part, but everything else. | ||
| Everything else. | ||
| I'm on board, son. | ||
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| That's O-N-N-I-T. If you have never been to Onnit before, Onnit is a human optimization website. | ||
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| And there's nothing bad in it. | ||
| There's no nitrates, no soy, no MSG. Isn't nitrate what makes your dick hard, though? | ||
| I think that's nitric oxide, son. | ||
| You should not be a chemist. | ||
| I take a drug called Joe Rogan. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's what gets your dick hard? | |
| Beautiful. | ||
| I take that with my progain and my other stuff that keep my hair in. | ||
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| And we're in the middle of a second trial now, which is much larger and much more extensive. | ||
| I should also point out that the trial, the positive results, We're exactly half of the dose that I take. | ||
| It's two pills. | ||
| I take four of these bitches. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
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Because I'm a renegade! | |
| I can't be fucked with! | ||
| Is this girthier charro going to be a bigger dose? | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| No. | ||
| The two-pill dose is the recommended dose. | ||
| Does it help your thinking, your memory? | ||
| It helps your memory. | ||
| It helps clinically proven so far. | ||
| That's the weird thing about memory, though. | ||
| I never know where the mind's going because I've forgotten the things that I can't remember. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| I think I remember everything, but obviously I don't know what I've forgotten. | ||
| It's whether or not you're trying to pull it up. | ||
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|
unidentified
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Yeah, man. | |
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| O-N-N-I-T. Code word ROGAN. If you don't know how to spell my name, go fuck yourself. | ||
| Jim Jeffries is here. | ||
| Why fuck around and play games when we can just get to the podcast? | ||
|
unidentified
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The Joe Rogan experience. | |
| Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. | ||
| That's Nick Diaz. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| so That never leaves. | ||
| That will stay on. | ||
| You had a question about Elvis. | ||
| These are all mug shots you've got on your wall here. | ||
| You've got an Elvis mug shot there. | ||
| I wear a t-shirt often with the Sinatra mugshot. | ||
| Ah, I got that one. | ||
| I have it framed in my house. | ||
| That's a good one. | ||
| What was he done for there? | ||
| It was... | ||
| What is the word that they used? | ||
| Adultery. | ||
| No, it wasn't adultery. | ||
| It was... | ||
| It was shagging a guy's wife, right? | ||
| Yes, it was shagging a guy's wife, but the word that they used... | ||
| Seduction. | ||
| That's the word that it says on the actual mug sheet. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That photo of Sinatra, that mug shot, he looks better there than I've ever looked in any photo in my life where professionals have taken it and they've taken a thousand photos and they still look like shit. | ||
| Well, did you notice how little he was? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The mugshot photo, I think it says 125 pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Is he 125 or 135? | ||
| He was only a slight fella. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But also, we even talk about Elvis. | ||
| We go in, Elvis, at the end, he was fat. | ||
| Elvis was fat. | ||
| He was like 220 pounds. | ||
| I'm like sitting at a cruisy 211 at the moment. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| I go down up to about 215, I go down to about 195, and I go through that spectrum my whole life, right? | ||
| But Elvis was, by today's standards, just, he was alright. | ||
| Yeah, see, that's what I look like now. | ||
| That's at the very end. | ||
| He was anywhere between 220 and 230, but what was the mugshot for? | ||
| That's only 220 or 230? | ||
| Well, he was probably shorter than me. | ||
| I'm 6'1", so I get a little bit of leeway. | ||
| He's probably, what, 5'10", Elvis? | ||
| Yeah, how tall was 5'10"? | ||
| God damn, he got fat. | ||
| But he was dead like a year later. | ||
| Yeah, he was on his way out. | ||
| He died on my sister's birthday. | ||
| I'll never forget. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He died the year I was born. | ||
| I always liked the fact that I was alive when John Lennon and Elvis Presley were alive. | ||
| Apparently the picture was taken just for fun. | ||
| Oh, the mugshot, so he never went to prison for anything? | ||
| No, Elvis was a law enforcement nut, and the picture was taken just for fun. | ||
| That's according to one site on the internet. | ||
| Because that could have been when he went to visit the FBI and visited Nixon and all that type of stuff, because he was there. | ||
| He visited Nixon for the war against drugs. | ||
| Yeah, it's hilarious. | ||
| Against the Beatles. | ||
| Man, these Beatles. | ||
| They're all doing drugs, and we gotta stop that. | ||
| We gotta stop it. | ||
| We gotta stop it, man. | ||
| He was apparently arrested in the 1950s for speeding, but that was before he made it. | ||
| Well, when did he make it? | ||
| About 1954, I reckon, would have been around that era. | ||
| Sun Records and all that shit. | ||
| Well, that would be him then. | ||
| That would be like right as he made it, he was speeding. | ||
| Yeah, but he was only in his early 20s. | ||
| Like 18-year-old speeding in the car. | ||
| We all got those. | ||
| I remember the first time I got caught speeding, I was 16, and I just didn't have the money, so I thought if I broke down in tears, the cop would... | ||
| I thought, oh my god, I don't have the money. | ||
|
unidentified
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Did it work? | |
| No, of course he didn't. | ||
| He just fucking fired me. | ||
| And the worst thing is, my brother is a cop, and he reported it to my brother, and then my brother teased me in the near future. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My brother used to do awful things. | ||
| My brother's named Danny Nugent. | ||
| I don't think that's bad to say. | ||
| He's a member of the Riot Squad now. | ||
| I was driving home at 17, which is still not the legal age to drink in Australia. | ||
| And I'm driving home, and I had two beers. | ||
| Now, I would have been under the limit, but still I'm not even allowed to have two beers in me because I'm 17, right? | ||
| I get pulled up, I get breathalyzed, the guy goes, please breathe in the tube, and I said, my brother was a sergeant at that stage, and I was like, oh, you know Danny Nugent? | ||
| You know Danny Nugent? | ||
| He goes, no, I never heard of him, right? | ||
| So he goes off to his vehicle. | ||
| He's there for like 15 minutes. | ||
| I'm just sitting in the car just panicking now. | ||
| He comes back out and he goes, step out of the vehicle. | ||
| Is there a problem? | ||
| Anything of it? | ||
| Just step out of the vehicle right now. | ||
| So step out. | ||
| He cuffs me and smacks me onto the bonnet of the car. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And I start, oh Jesus Christ! | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh fuck! | |
| Fuck! | ||
| Fuck! | ||
| Like this, right? | ||
| And then I hear my brother laughing on the radio. | ||
| Like, he's actually gone back to his car, radioed the station, talked to my brother, and he's scared the shit out of him. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| And because it's cops, and they're going, oh, we're just joking with you. | ||
| Like, I'm wiping tears away from my eyes. | ||
| Like, good joke, guys. | ||
|
unidentified
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Well done. | |
| Thanks for that. | ||
| But, you know, I still have one more line of defense, and it's mum. | ||
| Went and told mum on him. | ||
| How'd that go? | ||
| What does your mum do? | ||
| Well, my mum is still angry because I shouldn't have been drinking to begin with and blah, blah, blah. | ||
| I still got in trouble for that. | ||
| But, yeah, it's... | ||
| Now he's like... | ||
| He's in the SWAT team, so he's like the guy who, you know, fucking wears the helmets and swings him in the machine gun type of thing. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| And the thing is, for the longest time, my parents were so like, oh, your brother's the cop. | ||
| It was like the most upstanding job you could have in our family. | ||
| And so my brother became a weapons trainer before he was in the SWAT team, so he would learn different holds and restraints and stuff like that. | ||
| There was many a Christmas where I'd stand there, and then my brother would go, yeah, we've been traveling over to America. | ||
| We've learned some new holds from the American cops. | ||
| And we learnt one where we can basically restrain the person until their whole shoulder goes numb and they can't, like this. | ||
| And then my mum goes, do it on gym. | ||
| No, I don't want you to fucking do it. | ||
| Why are you doing this to me? | ||
|
unidentified
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Right? | |
| Then he comes up and grabs. | ||
| I goes, don't touch me. | ||
| He goes, see how he's resisting, mum? | ||
| See how he's resisting? | ||
| Always end with me with my fucking head in a shag pile, just crying again. | ||
| Your fucking mom, man. | ||
| Your mom sold you down the river? | ||
| I would think that mom's the last thing they would want to see is one son torturing the other son. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Because my father wasn't much of a physical disciplinarian, my mother was very keen on using my eldest brother as the muscle when we got too big. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh. | |
| How old's your oldest brother? | ||
| My oldest brother's seven years older than me. | ||
| Oh, that's a big gap. | ||
| And then I have another brother that's five years older than me. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| That's why you're funny. | ||
| And I was meant to be a girl because my mom desperately wanted to have a baby girl. | ||
| So she gave it one more go. | ||
| And then when I didn't come out a baby girl, she didn't unwrap the blanket for the first four days. | ||
| For the first month, she never unwrapped the blanket because she didn't want to see my genitalia. | ||
| And she didn't hold me for the first four days. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| She went into such depression over having another boy. | ||
| And then she got really passionate about collecting porcelain dolls. | ||
| So there was four men living in her house and this house that was just filled with fucking creepy dolls. | ||
| Remember in the old days when you could put something on top of your TV? That was sort of a joy. | ||
| Like you'd go go-karting, you'd beat your brother and you had the first trophy. | ||
| So for a week you'd put that on top of the TV because you know he'd constantly be looking at it and niggle the shit out of him. | ||
| Those days are gone, right? | ||
| But my mother would always have like a different porcelain doll or maybe like a... | ||
| A porcelain clown juggling one of those little statuettes. | ||
| Something very upsetting would always be looking at you whilst you were trying to enjoy a Betamax version of Star Wars. | ||
| When did you find out about the not being held? | ||
| She told me. | ||
| She tells me all the time that she always wanted to have a girl. | ||
| She didn't even have a boy's name ready to go. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Like, she was just... | ||
| And she didn't want to have the ultrasound. | ||
| She didn't want to know. | ||
| It wasn't... | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with people when it comes to wanting the gender so badly that they get upset? | ||
| And the thing is, my mum... | ||
| It's not like she's a super effeminate woman where she would have been a good... | ||
| Like, it might be... | ||
| Like, I'm not a good-looking guy, but my parents would have made her an horrendous-looking woman. | ||
| Like, it would have been just a chinless, pale thing, just with thin, wispy hair. | ||
| It wouldn't have been a good looking girl. | ||
| A boy is the best thing they could have hoped for with the fucking piss that's been pissed into my gene pool already. | ||
| From the different sides. | ||
| I've got a great story about... | ||
| But women don't see that. | ||
| Yeah, of course they don't. | ||
| If you're a woman and you're surrounded by men, I think it would be really frustrating. | ||
| My mother's 300 pounds and she thought she... | ||
| I don't know whether the intention was to make a hot chick. | ||
| I don't know if that was... | ||
| She just wanted to make a girl. | ||
| But I've got a story that I don't want to tell in front of my girlfriend because it will upset her because it will make my life a bit harder. | ||
| And I don't want to tell it on any Tonight shows or anything. | ||
| So I'll tell it here. | ||
| I just did a zombie movie in Australia, which isn't anything to do with this story, but I was in Australia. | ||
| And so I'm in Australia. | ||
| My parents drive to Canberra, where we're at, on the weekend to spend a day with me. | ||
| And it's fair enough, I haven't seen my parents in six months or something. | ||
| So I'm spending time with my mum and dad. | ||
| Now, back in the early 90s, my father was getting closer to retirement, and then he found a credit card bill because my mother took care of the money, found out that she'd run up $90,000 worth of bills, which meant my dad had to work an extra sort of eight years past retirement to pay these all off, and she'd kept it all secret. | ||
| So now my parents have got to retirement. | ||
| They own the house, and they just get a pension of like, Australian government gives each person like $300 a week pension, which is like $260 American, right? | ||
| So my parents live off that and then But my father takes care of all the money. | ||
| He pays all the bills, and he balances the books, because my mum can't be trusted when it comes to shopping. | ||
| And so I'm talking to my parents, and my mum goes, all I want is my half of the money, his half of the money, and then he can have his half of the money, we'll split the bills, and then I can do what I want with my money. | ||
| But instead, I'm given an allowance because I'm not responsible enough for money. | ||
| I said, mum, you can't take care of the money, mum. | ||
| You can't, because you'll fuck it up. | ||
| You'll go online, you've... | ||
| You've found internet shopping now. | ||
| You'll fuck it up. | ||
| You'll lose everything. | ||
| Get more credit cards. | ||
| It'll be terrible. | ||
| And she goes, oh, I'm not the problem with money anymore. | ||
| Your father's the one that spends all the money. | ||
| Now, we're in a public bar, by the way. | ||
| There's many people sitting around us. | ||
| It's a very public, open area. | ||
| Your father's the one who spends all the money now. | ||
| And then she points to my dad and goes, tell him. | ||
| Tell him what you spend your money on. | ||
| And I've already clicked what this might be. | ||
| And I've gone, oh, look, I don't want to know. | ||
| I don't want to know. | ||
| And then my mother goes, your father gets prostitutes. | ||
| Right? | ||
|
unidentified
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And I've gone, oh, God, just shut up, both of you, please, for fuck's sake. | |
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And she's gone, yep, every Wednesday, your father, before he goes to play lawn bowls, goes off and gets himself a prostitute. | ||
| And then my dad went, not every Wednesday. | ||
|
unidentified
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LAUGHTER He didn't even try to deny it. | |
| It was just not every Wednesday. | ||
| It makes him sound like at least three out of four Wednesdays. | ||
| He takes a week off every now and again. | ||
| Yeah, like it costs him in Australian money for a very cheap prostitute. | ||
| It's legal in Australia in a brothel. | ||
| Maybe a hundred bucks for a pretty low-end sort of girl. | ||
| A rub and tug power. | ||
| So he went to a place to get it done. | ||
| He didn't. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's not like here where you've got to go to a hotel and all that type of stuff. | ||
| There's just brothels in there. | ||
| They're very legal and they're very well signposted and stuff. | ||
| It's not such a big deal in Australia. | ||
| It actually makes it a bit safer, if anything, because the girls have to get tested. | ||
| They have to bring their results in all the time and they're paying taxes. | ||
| It definitely makes it safer. | ||
| It's like everything else. | ||
| As soon as the government says it can't be illegal when it's something that people really enjoy doing... | ||
| Lowers divorce substantially. | ||
| Of course it does. | ||
| I'm sure it does. | ||
| I don't begrudge my dad for doing this. | ||
| I just don't want to hear about them. | ||
| They're in their 70s. | ||
| My mom's morbidly obese. | ||
| My dad's still quite fit. | ||
| Of course, he wants to get his end away sometimes. | ||
| His end away. | ||
| There's a book called Sex at Dawn by this guy. | ||
| Dr. Chris Ryan. | ||
| I do a podcast with him once a month. | ||
| And he basically goes over in great detail what is the root cause of the reason why men want to breed with more than one woman. | ||
| Why does marriage do so poorly? | ||
| Why do so many people want to stray? | ||
| It's genetic. | ||
| It's 100% genetic. | ||
| If you could squash that with... | ||
| Robot fuck dolls or prostitution that's legal. | ||
| Whatever you have that's non-relationship based. | ||
| Yeah, or ruining anyone else's life. | ||
| You're just getting some sex. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| Only sex. | ||
| Are prostitutes over in Australia, are they thought of differently than prostitutes here? | ||
| Is it not that big of a deal? | ||
| It's not as big of a deal. | ||
| They are thought of... | ||
| They're not given a load of respect or anything. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| They're heroes. | ||
| In Germany and Holland and stuff, it's really not a big deal. | ||
| No, it's still kept... | ||
| Fairly, you know, the clubs are called things, like the big one in Melbourne is called the Daily Planet. | ||
| And it looks like the front of the Daily Planet from Superman with the big globe. | ||
| That's awesome! | ||
| That's in Melbourne? | ||
| That's in Melbourne. | ||
| That's the brothel I went to when I took my friend with muscular dystrophy to the brothel, which is what my TV show Legit, which is on Wednesdays on FXX at 10pm. | ||
| We need ratings. | ||
| But that was the whole basis of my TV show, was taking a disabled guy to a brothel, yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This season, incidentally, talking about my dad, my father will be played by George Lazenby, who was James Bond for one movie. | ||
| George Lazenby? | ||
| Why do I know that name? | ||
| He was James Bond. | ||
| No, that's not why I know it. | ||
| It's actually, there's a Paul Lazenby who's a mixed martial arts commentator for Bulldog Fights. | ||
| Old George isn't related to anything like that. | ||
| Yeah, Lazenby is what got me. | ||
| I was like, why do I know that name? | ||
| George did one James Bond film, was booked to do seven, and then he... | ||
| Told him to fuck off after Sean Connery because he went, ah, this franchise isn't going to go on for too long. | ||
| Because it was 1970. He was like, everyone wants long hair and beards. | ||
| No one wants to look like this fucking idiot from a bank. | ||
| And he told him to fuck off and he never was really in a movie again. | ||
| You can't tell him to fuck off when they ask you to be James Bond. | ||
| He was a male model, never acted before. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He just went straight into it. | ||
| He's got some fucking stories, man. | ||
| That's him? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Pull up a picture of the guy. | ||
| George Lazenby. | ||
| George Lazenby. | ||
| I need to see this character. | ||
| Now he's in his mid-70s, but in his day, he was the number one male model on Earth in 1969. The number one male model on Earth. | ||
| And he was from a country town in Australia. | ||
| There he is. | ||
| Look at that handsome bastard. | ||
| He does have beautiful genetics. | ||
| He's got that 1970 handsome thing going on too. | ||
| Pull that back up. | ||
| That's like, that wouldn't really fly today. | ||
| You know, it's like they had poor nutrition, they're eating fucking, you know. | ||
| Everyone was sort of shorter. | ||
| He's like 6'4", and he's sort of, you know, he has a little bit of a bobblehead motion going on, and a big dimple in his chin. | ||
| Yeah, but like, look at his face. | ||
| There's almost something about his face. | ||
| Like, pull that picture up again. | ||
| Oh, it's like, good looks in the 80s were different. | ||
| People like Molly Ringwald wouldn't. | ||
| No, pull the same picture up. | ||
| Go back to that picture. | ||
| There's something about this guy, and I don't know if it's his style of hair, but that's not a guy from today. | ||
| But you know what I mean? | ||
| In 2014, okay, how old is he about? | ||
| 37, 38 years old in this photo? | ||
| Oh, no, no, no. | ||
| If he's 70 now, that's 1969 when that film was made. | ||
| So he's probably 24 or something like that. | ||
| What? | ||
| How's that possible? | ||
| But back in the day, everyone was smoking and drinking. | ||
| You all looked a little bit more leathery. | ||
| Put that picture back up. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| If you saw that photo and said, where is this guy from? | ||
| What time is this? | ||
| You would say the 70s. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| There's something about his fucking face. | ||
| That's not a guy that was born after 1920 or something like that. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| There's that weird thing that they have. | ||
| He looks like a guy from this... | ||
| Like Burt Reynolds in his prime. | ||
| That guy doesn't exist today. | ||
| No. | ||
| We're all slightly changing. | ||
| I think that women's faces in the 80s were rounder. | ||
| Oh, I think you're right. | ||
| Moon faces. | ||
| Or that was deemed to be a good look, and we now shun the moon-faced woman. | ||
|
unidentified
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Shun the moon-faced woman? | |
| The moon-faced woman in the 80s was a thing. | ||
| Yeah, is it a weight thing? | ||
| It's a weight thing, right? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You guys know that's a real issue for women to get so skinny that they lose the roundness of their face. | ||
| They want to have... | ||
| Like sculpted cheeks. | ||
| That's a moon face too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a quarter moon. | |
| What is he going to do now that he's retired? | ||
| Doing a lot of comedy apparently. | ||
| I'm doing a lot of shows at the Comedy and Magic Club because he used to do every Sunday night. | ||
| He used to try out his monologue. | ||
| I'm there actually the 30th. | ||
| I was just there. | ||
| I'm doing probably like one or so every month I'll probably do at the Sunday nights because he's on the road now. | ||
| He's just doing comedy. | ||
| Is he a good stand-up? | ||
| I assume he was. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| At one point in time, he was thought of, and it's tough to judge, because you've got to judge it based on the fact that this 1970 and everything from 1970 doesn't hold up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Except for George Liza. | ||
| A few movies, except for him. | ||
| There's a few movies, but like television shows, for example. | ||
| Try to watch a television show from the 70s. | ||
| They're very, very dated. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So his comedy, it's hard to date it, just like Lenny Bruce. | ||
| I always concede that he's the most important stand-up ever, but I don't want to watch him. | ||
| I don't want to listen to him. | ||
| Yeah, I've tried. | ||
| I sit down and listen to the tapes and I try to... | ||
| It's too alien a time. | ||
| It's not us. | ||
| We're too free. | ||
| What he's saying is just not... | ||
| But then you can get... | ||
| From the 80s, you can still enjoy people. | ||
| Prior, you can still watch. | ||
| In Kinison, you can still watch. | ||
| Things change considerably, though, I think, from the 1960s to the 1980s. | ||
| I can watch 1970s Cosby. | ||
| Yeah, you can still. | ||
| Well, he's a master. | ||
| He's really a master wordsmith and a master storyteller. | ||
| But it's also, he was dealing mostly at that stage at, oh, I've got a wife and young kids, and this is how it is, and that stuff always sticks around. | ||
| If you're a political guy, it always dates very horrible. | ||
| Yes, that's so true. | ||
| Or if you're talking about society and how this is fucked up and that is fucked up, that doesn't... | ||
| It's interesting, culturally, to go back and listen to some shit where people were complaining about, you know, like Lenny Bruce has some stuff where he's complaining about politicians. | ||
| It doesn't make you laugh, though. | ||
| No. | ||
| But anyway, Leno, it's hard to say when you look at his stuff now, because it just seems so pedestrian. | ||
| But I think that back in the 1970s, Leno was a motherfucker. | ||
| The reason I say it is because all the comics say it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| That's what I've heard as well, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, all the guys who knew him back then go, he was a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He was a legit comic. | ||
| He was really good. | ||
| He was the guy in the club that everyone went, he's here, and came down. | ||
| He was a hard worker. | ||
| But then somewhere along the line, he stopped writing. | ||
| This is kind of interesting. | ||
| Like, he would go to, he would do shows. | ||
| Like, and then do the same show the next year. | ||
| Go back to the same place next year. | ||
| Verbatim. | ||
| Every joke. | ||
| From the beginning to the end. | ||
| And, like, the people in Edmonton. | ||
| I was in Edmonton and they were telling me, like, we went to see him. | ||
| He did another set and, like, play some of this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm originally from the United States. | |
| Any United States people here tonight? | ||
| That's funny because he's in America. | ||
|
unidentified
|
As Freddie mentioned, I have a slight call. | |
| I have to apologize for that. | ||
| What I've had is about two weeks. | ||
| I went to the hospital over here, one of the large hospitals in California. | ||
| I don't want to say the name. | ||
| Just shows you where healthcare is in the state. | ||
| This is absolutely true. | ||
| I went in, man charged me $40, gave me some pills to take, and on the way out as a doc, my throat is still really sore. | ||
| Do you think I should have my tonsils out? | ||
| And this man is a specialist, and I'm sure one of the best hospitals in California says to me, "Well, what do you think?" That's it! | ||
| That's it? | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| You shut the fuck up, J-Low. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everybody who told me he's great, you shut the fuck up too. | |
| Imagine if I came in to you and before the podcast, I said, Joe, I want your opinion on a bit of material. | ||
| And you ran that by me. | ||
| And then I went, and then the guy goes, what do you think? | ||
| And then there was Steve Martin at the time. | ||
| That's the beginning of a bit. | ||
| That's the beginning of a rant. | ||
| Like, what do I think? | ||
| Motherfucker, isn't this your job? | ||
| Yeah, you've got to go into the next bit. | ||
| Then it would be a bit. | ||
| That would be the bit. | ||
| It was a setup for a bit. | ||
| Steve Martin was still funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He was brilliant. | ||
| And this is from the same year, and I bet you it blows all that away. | ||
| Well, he was very different. | ||
| You know, Steve Martin was one of the most uniquely original, like, onstage performance... | ||
| I can't believe he brought out so many recordings and not actual video. | ||
| He's such a visual act to go, I'm going to have an arrow on my head and put this onto a cassette. | ||
| What I was going to say about Jay Leno is Jay Leno stopped putting things out. | ||
| He doesn't do anything. | ||
| He doesn't do an HBO special, won't do a Showtime special, doesn't do anything. | ||
| Have you noticed there's no body of work? | ||
| There's one thing he did for Showtime in the early 1980s, and I used to have it on a VHS cassette. | ||
| But after that, nothing. | ||
| And, you know, when they ask him about it, it's like, man, why would I do that? | ||
| I gave him my showtime. | ||
| I gave him my big, you know, my whole act, I gotta write a new act. | ||
| No, I mean, give it to them, and this act's going to make me millions of dollars. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like, his attitude, like, his act was like, uh, he's just real old school in that respect. | ||
| Like, those guys, they thought about, if they did an HBO special, they didn't think, oh, this is just going to get my comedy out to more people, they'll enjoy it, it'll get more people to come see me. | ||
| No, it was like, oh, I'm going to give them my, I'm going to sell my act, and then I can't do my act, and if I can't do my act, I'm losing all that money that I can't do my act. | ||
| I try to do a DVD every sort of 18 months or so, and then I retire the material as soon as I've done it. | ||
| We all do that now, I think. | ||
| I think that's the new era. | ||
| I mean, once the internet came along, I think that's mandatory. | ||
| You know, George Carlin always did it, and then Louis C.K. started doing it and telling people that he did it, and then you start looking around, who are all the people that do it, like Burr does it, you do it, you know, Ari does it. | ||
| It's one of those things now, I think, that kind of everybody does. | ||
| It's expected. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I think... | ||
| I also now, I don't do... | ||
| I won't do stand-up on television for four minutes. | ||
| I won't either. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Good for fucking you, man. | ||
| I just knocked back doing Fallon for that, and they're like... | ||
| Like, not anything special. | ||
| If I can be a guest on a show, like I'm doing Kimmel next week or whatever, that's fine, but I don't want to burn four minutes that I could put onto an actual special. | ||
| Well, not only that, it's not your act. | ||
| Yeah, and I don't translate well over four minutes. | ||
| No one does. | ||
| I feel like the Tonight Show culture in America, the late night show culture in America, fucked up a lot of comedians for a very long time. | ||
| Because they come over to Europe and they look at all the British acts and go, geez, all your stories are so long-winded and all that type of stuff. | ||
| Where everyone over here seemed to, for a very long time, trying to make a snappy five minutes. | ||
| And that's not where it's at in the long term. | ||
| You're totally right. | ||
| It ruined Boston comedy. | ||
| There's a whole documentary that this guy, Fran Salamita, who was a Boston comic, did about it, called When Stand-Up Stood Out. | ||
| And it's all about Stephen Wright making it. | ||
| Stephen Wright getting on... | ||
| Was it Letterman? | ||
| Did Stephen Wright get on Letterman or Tonight Show? | ||
| I think it was Letterman. | ||
| Probably Letterman. | ||
| Whichever one it was. | ||
| The Letterman or Tonight Show. | ||
| The documentary's excellent. | ||
| But it shows how everybody changed then. | ||
| They all started doing clean material. | ||
| They all started trying to get on television. | ||
| They're like, when am I going to get fucking picked up? | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| When's this going to happen to me? | ||
| This is the documentary. | ||
| It was like being on an island. | ||
| And the only thing there was trying to make the audience laugh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They took a city by storm and without even knowing it, ignited the biggest stand-up revolution ever. | |
| No vanity. | ||
| No rules. | ||
| Follow me in here. | ||
| Hiya girl, how are ya? | ||
| No regard. | ||
| I love that footage. | ||
| Give me security. | ||
| That was unnecessary. | ||
| Take a journey back to a gritty world blown apart by excess, success, clashing egos, even death threats, all in the name of stand-up comedy. | ||
| Comedy has become a thriving business as club owners fill their rooms to capacity weekend after weekend. | ||
| It was a really good time to be doing stand-up. | ||
| That was like the beginning of thinking there's a big future in this thing. | ||
| Critics called when stand-up stood out, hugely entertaining and hilarious, and have voted it one of the greatest stand-up movies of all time. | ||
| Comedians were just like rock stars. | ||
| I quit doing comedy. | ||
| I'm broke now. | ||
| Official selection of the Montreal Comedy Festival and winner of the Telluride Independent Film Festival. | ||
| A film by Fran Salamita. | ||
| It's a great movie, but the point being that... | ||
| Look how young he looks. | ||
| Amazing, huh? | ||
| That was when he was... | ||
| He was pretty revolutionary, man. | ||
| When Stephen Wright came along? | ||
| Nobody was like him before that. | ||
| He came to see me at Caroline's with his publicist or something like that. | ||
| Afterwards, he's selling your DVDs and signing and doing photos and stuff for you. | ||
| He waited in line with everyone and he came and bought A DVD and something. | ||
| He goes, I thought you were great. | ||
| Like that, right? | ||
| And I was like, who is this cat? | ||
| I know this cat. | ||
| But he's just like an old guy in a baseball hat, right? | ||
| And I went, Stephen Wright? | ||
| And he went, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Then he walked away. | ||
| And then I went, he'd been standing next to all these comedy fans and no one had noticed him. | ||
| It's the beard, right? | ||
| Yeah, the beard, but it's also the hat. | ||
| But you wouldn't expect him to queue up. | ||
| If he went to the front of the line and said hello, people would have noticed him. | ||
| Because he stood there so incognito and did it. | ||
| And then I went... | ||
| Fucking hell, everyone. | ||
| That was Stephen Wright. | ||
| And then all the people who were waiting to take a photo with me chased after him. | ||
| So you sucked them on him. | ||
| No one took a photo with me after that or bought any DVDs. | ||
| I was in the middle of having a conversation with Robin Williams at the improv, and I didn't realize it was Robin Williams until halfway into the conversation. | ||
| I thought he was just some dude who came to the show and wanted to talk to me after the show. | ||
| And he's talking to me about the dolphin bit, eating mushrooms or eating pot brownie. | ||
| I went on a boat and I had this life-changing experience in Hawaii playing with dolphins. | ||
| And I'm telling the story on stage and Robin Williams comes up to me and he's talking to me about the bit and we're talking and I'm like, this is just this cool old dude. | ||
| This is fucking Robin Williams. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| He's a tiny little fella. | ||
| But it was a bizarre thing, like in the middle of the conversation. | ||
| I'm just going, oh, thanks, man. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I have a theory on why actors and some comedians are super short in comparison to the general populace. | ||
| Need for attention. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was at the Fox with the TV show. | ||
| There's a party they have for Fox, for everything that's Fox related, where every star of every show has to show up. | ||
| It's in your contract. | ||
| You have to be there, right? | ||
| And all the reporters go around and talk to you. | ||
| So there's famous people, and then there's Jennifer Lopez walked in, and then all the famous people were like, wow, there's a real famous person. | ||
| But then I was standing next to Keith Sutherland who looked like he was five foot nothing to me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I just thought he was a big guy. | ||
| Because he plays Jack Bauer, you think he's a big guy. | ||
| And then Martin Freeman was there because he's in now the new Fargo, and he's an itty-bitty... | ||
| The new Fargo? | ||
| They have a Fargo TV show now? | ||
| Yeah, FX are bringing it out. | ||
| It's got Billy Bob Thornton and Martin Freeman, Kate Walsh is in it. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Does it have anything to do with the Coen brothers? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's... | |
| I don't know if it's got any... | ||
| But it's been reviewed through the roof. | ||
| People are saying it's the best thing. | ||
| It's coming out in like 16 days. | ||
| Oh, that's beautiful. | ||
| Oh, that's... | ||
| I fucking love that movie. | ||
| That's one of my all-time favorite comedies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because there's no jokes in the entire fucking thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just fuck up after fuck up after... | ||
| You know, just... | ||
| It's a completely character-driven thing. | ||
| That car salesman, the failure car salesman that fucks everything up... | ||
| What's that cat's name? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I haven't seen the movie. | ||
| Bill something or another? | ||
| The guy was in Shameless. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| The billboard, the post they got, the bus stops, which is like a knitted fucking rug. | ||
| It's pretty cool, huh? | ||
| What's that guy's name who is on that shameless show on HBO or on Showtime? | ||
| The guy who plays the lead? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's in Mystery Men as well. | ||
| Yeah, what's that? | ||
| It's a shovel. | ||
| Yeah, Bill Macy. | ||
| Yeah, right? | ||
| William H. Macy? | ||
| William H. Macy, yeah. | ||
| He's a very nice guy. | ||
| I met that guy when I was on news radio. | ||
| He's super friendly. | ||
| Very, very friendly guy. | ||
| Is he short, though? | ||
| I'm short, so it's hard to tell. | ||
| Everybody seems giant to me. | ||
| Everything in this world is just people trying to pick up chicks. | ||
| Because that's why you get into anything. | ||
| Not in the long term, but in your younger years... | ||
| In your teens, it's just about, how can I meet women? | ||
| How can I meet women? | ||
| So if you're at school and you're a good-looking guy, then that's your way of meeting women, if you're just a really good-looking guy. | ||
| And if you're really good at sport, that's your way. | ||
| But if you're short, you better be fucking funny. | ||
| Or if you're not good-looking, you better be funny. | ||
| Or if you're not funny and all those things, then you better learn how to do a Shakespearean monologue in fucking drama class. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You better have something. | ||
| You better have some little thing that's different from everybody else. | ||
| So I think that's why all the actors, I don't think, because all the actresses are tall. | ||
| Some of them are. | ||
| There's a lot of short actresses. | ||
| It's like Nicole Kidman. | ||
| She says she marries Tom Cruise. | ||
| He's an itty-bitty fella. | ||
| He's not as itty-bitty as everybody says. | ||
| It's sort of like the Napoleon thing. | ||
| Her new husband's really small. | ||
| Well, you know, Napoleon wasn't really a short guy. | ||
| I didn't know that. | ||
| It was British propaganda. | ||
| Napoleon was actually taller than the average person at the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it wasn't tall compared to today. | ||
| He's like 5'6". | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But back then, everybody was fucking... | ||
| They were really tiny. | ||
| Right, so they were saying he's 4'11". | ||
| Yeah, but Tom Cruise, apparently, I've talked to people, like, I've met Sylvester Stallone. | ||
| He's not that small. | ||
| Everybody would say, Sylvester Stallone's only 5'6", he played Rocky in the movies, he was a heavyweight. | ||
| He's not 5'6". | ||
| I met the guy. | ||
| He's at least 5'10", maybe taller. | ||
| Maybe he was wearing some shit in his shoes, I don't know. | ||
| But I'm 5'8", I don't wear any shit in my shoes, and I wear, I'm standing, like, right next to the guy and he's taller than me. | ||
| I met Ben Kingsley, and he's like the opposite. | ||
| They try to make him look smaller in film. | ||
| He was a reasonable-sized guy, but whenever you see him in film, they try to make him look like a little tiny menacing bloke. | ||
| Well, when Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise did that vampire movie together, Tom Cruise walked on a platform around him, so they were similar heights. | ||
| Everywhere they walked when they were doing the thing, Brad Pitt is essentially walking in a ditch. | ||
| That may or may not be true. | ||
| I wasn't there when it was filming. | ||
| No, I believe that would be true. | ||
| It might be. | ||
| It might be just total Richard Gere gerbil in the ass propaganda. | ||
| Even on my TV show, I found it weird when this season I get to kiss two girls and one girl was like five foot tall and one girl was six foot tall. | ||
| It definitely looks better when you're kissing a six foot tall girl. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because I'm the same height as I. You just have to turn your head. | ||
| But when all of a sudden you're kissing a real short person and you're hunched over... | ||
| Right. | ||
| It doesn't look cool on film. | ||
| Yeah, that's why they like you to pick them up. | ||
| Hoist them up in the air. | ||
| I'm a tall, weak person. | ||
| I can't do that. | ||
| We all have our limitations. | ||
| Is this the actors? | ||
| Okay, so Danny DeVito, he is super small. | ||
| Yeah, he's five foot. | ||
| I think he's under. | ||
| Michael J. Fox is just five foot four. | ||
| Same with Emilio Estevez. | ||
| Then you go up to the Woody Allens. | ||
| Emilio Estevez is five foot four? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| See, how do I know they're not making this up, though? | ||
| Woody Allen's taller than Emilio Estevez? | ||
| For real? | ||
| Yeah, Woody Allen's five foot five. | ||
| Yeah, he's only a little fella. | ||
| Then Jack Black. | ||
| I passed him yesterday at the airport and no one was bothering him. | ||
| You want to know why I think? | ||
| He was wearing his neck pillow. | ||
| It was covering up a lot of his face. | ||
| He had it like with a little Velcro strap around his neck. | ||
| He just looked like a schlumpy sort of guy who had to get his flight and he didn't look like a movie star, I'll tell you that much. | ||
| That's a good move in the neck pillow because if you don't want people talking to you, wear a neck pillow because there's that extra step that they have to take. | ||
| Like, is that fucking guy wearing a neck pillow? | ||
| And then they decide not to talk to you because it's kind of sorted out. | ||
| And it looks like you're obviously ready for a sleep so you don't want to be bothered. | ||
| Who bothers someone who wants to sleep? | ||
| That's a very good point. | ||
| Rude people? | ||
| The same type of people that bother you while you're eating. | ||
| Do you get people that come up to you while you're eating? | ||
| Hey, I don't want to interrupt you. | ||
| But I'm going to interrupt you. | ||
| Yeah, you do. | ||
| You do want to interrupt me. | ||
| You feel bad about it. | ||
| I want to interrupt you, but I feel bad about it, is what you should say. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're just trying to find a way to be not rude while they're being rude. | ||
| Yeah, well, they're not even being rude. | ||
| I understand that people want to say hello. | ||
| Especially if they've just seen the show. | ||
| If you're eating and you have a mouthful of food, that's where I draw the line. | ||
| Like, when you're sitting down to eat and you're with your friends and people come over to the table, like, if everybody did that, it would be fucking chaos. | ||
| Like, there's a certain amount of, you know, of privacy that a person should... | ||
| Peace that a person should be able to get. | ||
| And while a person's eating their meal, that's where I draw the line. | ||
| How... | ||
| Are you happy with your level... | ||
| Like, you're more famous than me, right? | ||
| I'm mildly famous. | ||
| You're famous famous. | ||
| And then there's the next... | ||
| You don't want to go there. | ||
| You don't want to go to the next level. | ||
| I think I'd like to go up to about where you are and then stop. | ||
| Even back it down a little. | ||
| I'm trying to back it down a little. | ||
| I'm trying to take a little bit of the edge off. | ||
| At the moment, I get stopped, I would say, four times a day, and three of those people will just say, Hey, Jim! | ||
| That's great. | ||
| And that's great. | ||
| And then there'll be one person who will take photos, and that's no problem. | ||
| And that's where I'm at right now. | ||
| But I'm not at the stage where I can ring a restaurant up and go, Jim Jefferies needs a table and they'll fucking find a table because most of the population doesn't know who I am. | ||
| So I would like that because I'm lazy with my reservations. | ||
| That's what I would like to get to. | ||
| Table... | ||
| Restaurant tables. | ||
| Yeah, restaurant tables helps if you were a club hopper and you wanted to get to... | ||
| Ah, I got a young kid. | ||
| You know, I might club hop again maybe later on in life, but I can't... | ||
| For now, there's no club hopper. | ||
| At the moment, I'm just fucking daycare guy. | ||
| Like... | ||
| I'll tell you, I'm trying to lose weight again, so I started going back to the gym. | ||
| So I go to the gym and there's a daycare at my gym where I can take my son and just drop him off. | ||
| And there's like two ladies in their 50s that just sort of work behind the counter. | ||
| And one of my son, who's 16 months old, just fucking loves one of these ladies. | ||
| There's this old Asian lady, and he lights up when he sees her, and she loves him. | ||
| She'll be playing with other kids, and when she sees my son, she'll just drop what she's doing and just go, Hank! | ||
| And then she says the same thing every time. | ||
| She'll go, there's my boyfriend! | ||
| Here he is! | ||
| Pass me my boyfriend! | ||
| My boyfriend gives me kisses! | ||
| And then she starts kissing him all over the face, right? | ||
| And then goes, enjoy your workout, and I walk off. | ||
| Now, I can't do that with a baby girl. | ||
| I can never go, there's my girlfriend, my girlfriend gives me kisses, give her here, enjoy your workout. | ||
| Why is that? | ||
| Why is that so... | ||
| I don't want to do that. | ||
| Mind you, I'm not fighting for the freedom to do this in the near future. | ||
| I just think it's a very odd... | ||
| I have a whole bit about it. | ||
| There? | ||
| Yeah, there's no sexual equality in child molesting. | ||
| Because there's a commercial, I don't know if you've ever seen the commercial, where there's a Just For Men baby. | ||
| Just For Men is some shit that old dudes put in their beard, and their beard's going gray. | ||
| There's a baby with a beard, and he's driving a Porsche with a grown woman next to him. | ||
| And the baby goes to the club. | ||
| And he's dancing. | ||
| All these women are running around kissing him. | ||
| And what I'm saying in that bit is there's no sexual equality in child loss. | ||
| And you couldn't make that same commercial with the sexes reversed. | ||
| Look at this baby. | ||
| She's got a grown woman. | ||
| The baby gets out of the car. | ||
| Look at the bouncer. | ||
| He recognizes him. | ||
| He points the finger at him. | ||
| Like, oh, it's you, you fuck! | ||
| And the guy goes in there. | ||
| And he's got a bottle. | ||
| Look, he's got a bottle. | ||
| Just in case you're thinking, well, maybe it's a little eccentric midget. | ||
| So he's doing his little dance. | ||
| And look, surrounded by pussy. | ||
| And a couple of gay dudes. | ||
| We just wish they could get him to turn over. | ||
| This baby is the shit, and if you switch the sexes, if you had a bunch of dudes with Tarzan loincloth swinging cock, that's baby face height to vagina. | ||
| That baby's dancing around, and the vaginas are right there. | ||
| Also, that's just an ad that's making fun of something. | ||
| It's a comedy of commercial. | ||
| It's meant to be a joke. | ||
| But even in real life, I don't know about you, but whenever you hear there's a guy who's been molesting the fucking school, the volleyball team, you always go, that fucking creep. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| But then as soon as you hear there's a female teacher that had sex with a 13-year-old boy, you always go, alright, I'll have to see the photo of this woman first. | ||
| And then if the woman's kind of hot, you're like, alright, I can see where he... | ||
| I don't even blame the kid. | ||
| I'm like, not that I would ever blame the kid, but I'm like, I don't know if he had a bad time. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Is that wrong? | ||
| No, it's not wrong at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There was a teacher in my school who I would have loved to have fucked when I was 13. Of course. | |
| I used to masturbate to her all the time. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with it if she's hot. | ||
| That's what people need to accept. | ||
| There is something wrong with the man. | ||
| The difference is a man can molest a 13-year-old girl. | ||
| A woman can't molest a 13-year-old boy. | ||
| She can just let him fuck her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're two different things. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they say that women develop faster. | ||
| They do. | ||
| They do in a lot of ways. | ||
| They're not allowed to fuck as early. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They can't enjoy it. | ||
| They can't enjoy it at 13. There's something really creepy about a man fucking a 13-year-old, but if you found out your son got caught, you know, with a teacher, bent over the desk, and he's banging her, you'd fucking be really kind of proud of him. | ||
| Yeah, there wouldn't be. | ||
| You'd be like, oh, you shouldn't do that, but... | ||
| All right. | ||
| It's funny, like Paul Walker, when he died, they found out that he had a girlfriend for like eight years or something. | ||
| And when he started dating her, she was 16 and he was 34. And then on the TV, but then it's like that weird thing that when they're a celebrity, even the Entertainment Tonight were like, but she was very mature and she... | ||
| And you're like, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Statutory rape, man. | ||
| You can't just change the rules because the guy's dead now. | ||
| First of all, no disrespect, but how good must that pussy have been where a 34-year-old movie star is freaking out about a 16-year-old? | ||
| Well, she doesn't look that good if you can pull a picture of her. | ||
| Well, it might not be a good thing. | ||
| Yeah, she might have been dynamite. | ||
| She might have voodoo pussy. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I've met those ones as well. | ||
| Those girls where other girls are like, there she is there. | ||
| She's pretty, man. | ||
| That's her 24 or something before she... | ||
| But I don't begrudge him fucking a 16-year-old girl in the sense that you can see some 16-year-old girls where you go... | ||
| It's legal in the UK and Australia. | ||
| It's not like... | ||
| I understand wanting to have sex with a fully developed 16-year-old. | ||
| What I don't get is him dating her. | ||
| Pulled up that picture again? | ||
| That is an odd picture, man. | ||
| She's in her 20s there. | ||
| Yeah, this is like when they've been dating for seven years or something. | ||
| You know, I hate the idea of... | ||
| Look, I have daughters, so the first thing I'm going to say is that this is not something I'm really entertaining, but I hate the idea that if two people really do love each other, and for whatever reason they're perfect together, it can't happen because the guy is 30 and the girl is 16. Come on, the girl has to date a few guys. | ||
| I agree with you. | ||
| I was devastated when the girl I lost my virginity to at 16 broke up with me and I thought I'd never find love again. | ||
| I haven't since, really, but I've enjoyed a lot of different women since then. | ||
| The thing that's creepy is, not the sex, it's the conversation after sex. | ||
| It's the fact that he laid there with her afterwards and went, how was school? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And she went, good. | ||
| And she goes, what have you been up to? | ||
| And he was like, I made a movie. | ||
| And it's a very good movie, but it's got a lot of swear words, so you can't see it for two years. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because you shouldn't listen to swear words. | |
| Yeah, that's a good point, man. | ||
| That is the one thing that's a good point. | ||
| I think that... | ||
| He should be able to fucking do whatever he wants. | ||
| He's a good looking guy though, man. | ||
| He should be able to date anybody who wants to date him, as long as that person is old enough to make their own choice. | ||
| The real question is, when is the age that you're old enough to make that choice? | ||
| Is it 16? | ||
| Is it 17? | ||
| Is it 18? | ||
| It's 16 in the rest of the world, but it's 18 in America. | ||
| So in that sense, yeah, he broke the law. | ||
| But just because some shit's written down on paper obviously doesn't mean it makes sense. | ||
| And also, we know that he broke other laws such as speeding. | ||
| Well, it wasn't him. | ||
| It wasn't like this guy was a lawyer. | ||
| Somebody else killed him. | ||
| He didn't drive that car. | ||
| I felt sorry when he died and all that type of stuff. | ||
| There was a lot of deaths all at once this year. | ||
| And I felt really sorry for the guy that made the in-memoriam thing for the Oscars. | ||
| Every night he must have sat down and gone, alright, the Oscars are coming. | ||
| Paul Walker, the music ends. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| I'll go to bed. | ||
| Wakes up in the morning. | ||
| Fucking Philip Seymour Hoffman. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| So, Philip Seymour Hoffman. | ||
| The end. | ||
| And then, like, he reads the paper. | ||
| I thought Shirley Temple was already dead. | ||
| This is bullshit. | ||
| I thought she was dead, too. | ||
| Put Shirley Temple in. | ||
| The end. | ||
| Harold Ramis. | ||
| It was just fucking ongoing until the day he had to make that video. | ||
| That guy, James Rebhorn, who played Carrie's dad on Homeland, he died. | ||
| I did a pilot with that guy a long time ago. | ||
| On Homeland? | ||
| You ever see that show, Homeland? | ||
| I do watch Homeland. | ||
| Who plays who? | ||
| Carrie's dad. | ||
| She plays the father of the main chick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The chick that's off the wife? | |
| Oh no, the daughter? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Well, the dad, the British guy, who played the lead in Homeland. | ||
| No, no, not that guy. | ||
| The other one, Carrie. | ||
| Carrie is the crazy CIA agent. | ||
| Oh, the guy who plays her dad. | ||
| Yeah, grey hair, bald boy. | ||
| He just died. | ||
| Oh, that's sad. | ||
| Great guy. | ||
| Really, really nice guy. | ||
| I'm still upset with Fred Phelps dying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha ha. | |
| Trent Phelps, to me, is, if you know, he's the West Borough Baptist Church guy who used to protest Gay people's funerals, soldiers' funerals because he believed the war started because we were too nice to gays. | ||
| He's got a good point. | ||
| This is my thing. | ||
| I'm an atheist and I'm also a very non-homophobic person in the sense that I wouldn't even care if my son was gay. | ||
| I'm of that opinion when it comes to homosexuals. | ||
| Fred Phelps was possibly the most way-out-there religious person we've had in a very long time, where he actually had decisions like, oh, the war started, must be because of the gays, and then he decided it was gospel, right? | ||
| But what if... | ||
| He was the only bloke on earth that was right. | ||
| Like, he gets to heaven, and then God's like, you're the only one who got me. | ||
| And then, like, God's sitting up there, and he goes, where's everyone else? | ||
| He goes, well, no one else. | ||
| You were the only person that followed it to the fucking team, man. | ||
| Everyone else is in hell. | ||
| And the two of them are just sitting there, and God just... | ||
| And then Fred goes, faggots are cunts, aren't they? | ||
| And then God goes, damn straight, and they fist pump or something. | ||
| I don't know, like... | ||
| If his beliefs were real, then he's the only bloke getting into heaven, is the point I made. | ||
| Well, the problem is his beliefs aren't anywhere. | ||
| They're not written anywhere. | ||
| Yeah, but he started to believe them. | ||
| Well, he may have believed them. | ||
| If you listen to the way he talks, though, like, you ever see the Louis Theroux documentary? | ||
| We went and visited them, stayed with them for three weeks. | ||
| It's very interesting. | ||
| And one of the things you realize is the amount of ego this guy has. | ||
| And he just wants people to listen to him. | ||
| He doesn't answer questions. | ||
| Sometimes when a question comes up, he just says, I'm not going to even answer that because you're so stupid. | ||
| He just comes up with some reason why he's superior. | ||
| There's so much ego involved in what he was doing, the way he was running that church. | ||
| It wasn't based on any scripture. | ||
| I liked how they had to sing songs. | ||
| They weren't smart enough to write their own songs, so they just got songs of artists who they probably called sinners to begin with. | ||
| There was the one that they did, We Are the World, but it was like, God hates the gays, they're all faggots. | ||
| It's like that. | ||
| And it's like, Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie wrote that song. | ||
| Are you telling me that you were fans of theirs and they were pretty close to the model that you wanted for your church? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You're paying rights? | ||
| Whenever someone is a religious guy and they try singing any sort of pop music, it automatically kills it. | ||
| Like that guy in Australia that thinks he's Jesus and he sings Green Day. | ||
| Have you ever seen that guy? | ||
| I don't know him, but I like him already. | ||
| You've never seen the Australian Jesus? | ||
| No! | ||
| Oh, he's awesome. | ||
| He says he's Jesus, and he hangs out with this hot chick that he bangs, who apparently used to be Mary. | ||
| And Mary has a vision. | ||
| I remember him on the cross. | ||
| I remember him crying. | ||
| Can we get a picture of this chick? | ||
| It's the second chick. | ||
| The one on the far right is the Mary. | ||
| That's Jesus with the glasses. | ||
| Yeah, right. | ||
| And Mary apparently, unfortunately, just found out recently that she was the second Mary. | ||
| And there was another girl that Jesus said was Mary before her. | ||
| Ah, that was Mary Magdalene. | ||
| Ha! | ||
| That's two of them. | ||
| He likes to tell people he's Jesus to get the pussy. | ||
| Oh yeah, I'm Jesus? | ||
| Yeah, I've been Jesus for a while, really? | ||
| That's his nuclear option. | ||
| You gotta listen to the guy talk. | ||
| Play some of it, Brian, because it's quite brilliant. | ||
| And, you know, he's not even an exceptional guy, which is... | ||
| No, not to Jesus of Siberia. | ||
| It's a totally different one. | ||
| In his defense, this is how the original Jesus came out and they hung him on a cross. | ||
| Like, there's going to be some guy, if you believe in God and there's going to be a second coming, then he's going to come... | ||
| This guy's got as much chance as anyone of being Jesus. | ||
| No, he doesn't. | ||
| He has zero chance of being Jesus. | ||
| But the guy in Waco said he was Jesus as well, right? | ||
| Well, he was much like this guy, just wanted to get some pussy. | ||
| Listen to him. | ||
| No, no, that's not his voice. | ||
| That's the narrator's voice. | ||
| His voice, though, is very non-Jesus-like. | ||
| I've always been... | ||
| How can you be from Australia? | ||
| The original Bible didn't even mention Australia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm nailing him to the stake. | |
| It was like a pole. | ||
| It was me that had to do that. | ||
| That's not his voice either. | ||
| He's the Jesus guy with the other guy with the dark hair and the glasses. | ||
| Fucking do unto others as they'd fucking do to you, cunt. | ||
| If you could see him talking, here he goes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here. | |
| They wanted to go spirit world. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| You can't listen to this. | ||
| Here, here you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can they do that? | |
| This is one of Miller's... | ||
| Who are these people? | ||
| He's got followers. | ||
| Oh yeah, quite a few. | ||
| Queensland, I believe, is where he lives. | ||
| Ah, fucking Queensland. | ||
| Is that a spot? | ||
| That's the Alabama of Australia. | ||
| Oh, well, there you go. | ||
| That makes sense. | ||
| It's a little bit... | ||
| I actually like Queensland. | ||
| My father's from Queensland. | ||
| I have an affinity with Queensland. | ||
| I'll be there in April selling tickets to the Brisbane Tivoli Theatre. | ||
| But they're a little bit... | ||
| They had a politician for a while there called Pauline Hanson. | ||
| And Pauline Hanson was just really racist. | ||
| It was like, the problem is the Aboriginals. | ||
| And this is why we have to... | ||
| You know, she was one of these type of people. | ||
| She got voted in. | ||
| In that town. | ||
| And she was sort of this red-headed woman. | ||
| She looked like she was off a matchbox. | ||
| She was just this red-headed woman. | ||
| It turned out she had electoral fraud and she went to prison for like six months for doing votes. | ||
| Anyway, she comes out after being really racist and then saying stupid things like, how would you fix the economy? | ||
| And she goes, print more money. | ||
| Then we'd all have more money. | ||
| Like, this is the level of intelligence. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| She got voted in, right? | ||
| So she's like another level past Sarah Palin. | ||
| So even in my family, we're like, that woman's disgusting. | ||
| I can't believe that all these things. | ||
| She's a racist Sarah Palin. | ||
| That's a perfect adjustment of her, right? | ||
| And so she gets put into prison. | ||
| And then when she comes out, she goes on Dancing with the Stars. | ||
| And my parents forgive. | ||
| My parents will forgive anything if you do a cracking foxtrot. | ||
| Like, they were voting for her. | ||
| Oh, because my dad goes, she's got good legs. | ||
| I go, but she just said that Aboriginals should die. | ||
| Oh, you bloody hold on to things for too long. | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| If someone was running for president and they did Star Search, or Dancing with the Stars, or American Idol, or whatever those fucking shows are, and where America got to vote and they did really well, they'd probably become president. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Can you get a picture of Pauline Hanson up? | ||
| I haven't had a look at this woman's face for... | ||
| Going on 20 years. | ||
| She used to own a fish and chip shop. | ||
| There was like people that, she was so racist, people would wear Martin Luther King t-shirts on the front that said, I have a dream. | ||
| Then there'd be a picture of her on the back that goes, I have a fish and chip shop. | ||
| There she is. | ||
| That was our Sarah Palin in Australia. | ||
| Wow, she even kind of has that thing going on, that Sarah Palin thing going on. | ||
| And the Asians, the Asians come in here and buy all the land. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| What do you think about this old banning bossy? | ||
| It's retarded. | ||
| Stupid, isn't it? | ||
| It's never going to work. | ||
| It makes me angry. | ||
| It makes me angry that you're pretending someone's feelings are hurt because of the word bossy. | ||
| Also, they're trying to say the word bossy means leadership. | ||
| It doesn't. | ||
| Like, I have a few nieces, and I won't say which of them. | ||
| One of them's a bit bossy. | ||
| And when I mean bossy, it's not like she goes, okay, you sit over here, we're playing this game. | ||
| She's like, don't touch that. | ||
| That's my toy. | ||
| She's just a bit of a cunt. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They don't like cunty, so they're trying to get rid of bossy, which is a substitute for cunty. | ||
| They're trying to remove themselves from criticism. | ||
| anybody who's coming up with that they're either trying to silence free speech or they're trying to remove what they think is criticism they faced many times and it's you know a lot of them like what where's it coming from most likely feminists well what are a lot of feminists a lot of feminists are very strong women who like being able to tell people what the fuck to do and what what would be a criticism of that well she's a cunt she's cunty she's bossy yeah those are They're all in line with what people don't like. | ||
| I will ban bossy. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Freedom of speech, you can't ban bossy. | ||
| It's the dumbest fucking thing ever. | ||
| On their advert or the program, the woman was there going, do you know that men own 99% of the world's property? | ||
| Right? | ||
| And then I thought about it. | ||
| Do you know 95% of the homeless are also men? | ||
| There's plenty of bossy bitches kicking cunts out of their houses. | ||
| You know, living rent free. | ||
| I know. | ||
| They keep on going, oh, you're banned, bossy. | ||
| You won't get women that are headed corporations. | ||
| Most bossy women that I have known in my life don't have jobs. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And probably would never get to the head of a corporation because that requires a lot of people skills. | ||
| It's not like they've been held back by us going bossy. | ||
| I'm there paying the rent and they're still fucking bossing me around. | ||
| You know, it doesn't feel like... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| The idea is ridiculous. | ||
| The idea that all these women want to be the head of corporations is ridiculous too. | ||
| A lot of women don't want those jobs either. | ||
| They're not working towards those jobs. | ||
| The idea that they're completely banned from those jobs. | ||
| There are women out there who run corporations. | ||
| Is it fair? | ||
| I'm not saying it is. | ||
| But there's a lot of shit that's not fair. | ||
| Life is not fair. | ||
| There's a good chance we'll have a female president next. | ||
| It's possible. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| There's just very different characteristics that men have and women have. | ||
| There's very different personalities, almost inherent to having testosterone and a dick that you don't have when you have a vagina. | ||
| Also, with a woman, and this is nothing against women... | ||
| When they have a kid, I'm not saying because they take nine months out of the workplace, although that's probably a problem, but I don't give a fuck. | ||
| When they have a kid, their mind does change a little bit. | ||
| They become less career-driven, a lot of them, not all of them, but they do start going, I want to spend time with this, and then a man has to step up a little bit more and work a bit hard. | ||
| I sometimes begrudge the amount I have to go on the road and be away from my kids so I can support the family. | ||
| I feel like I miss out on something there. | ||
| I'd rather be home all the time with him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I know exactly what you mean. | ||
| I think everyone has a role and that everyone's role is different depending on the relationship, depending on where you are in life, depending on everything. | ||
| But the idea that it should be even for men and women is ridiculous. | ||
| The idea that anything should be even is ridiculous. | ||
| The only thing you should ask is for no discrimination. | ||
| No discrimination and that someone... | ||
| They would be promoted based entirely on how well they do what they do. | ||
| But the idea that there should be an equal amount of men and an equal amount of women in the same position, I don't buy that. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense to me. | ||
| Because there's a lot of jobs that men do better than women, and a lot of jobs that women do better than men. | ||
| It's just a fact. | ||
| And they've got Beyonce and Condoleezza Rice, and who is the other bird they've got? | ||
| Julia Gardner is on the campaign as well. | ||
| And then, like, Beyonce's there going, I'm not bossy, but I am the boss. | ||
| I'm the queen. | ||
| What is it with black women and wanting to be the queen? | ||
| Queen Latifah. | ||
| How about men? | ||
| The queen of the night. | ||
| Men are always the king. | ||
| Black men, like, there's a lot of fighters that call themselves king. | ||
| Black or white men will call themselves the king of the castle. | ||
| I'm the king of my home. | ||
| That's a universal male thing. | ||
| We want to be the king. | ||
| Black women want to be queens, and white chicks want to be princesses. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Right? | ||
| They don't even want to be queens. | ||
| They want to be the child. | ||
| The only white chick that wants to be the queen is the queen. | ||
| That's probably it, right? | ||
| Every time you meet a girl, it's like, I'm a princess. | ||
| Because they want to be taken care of. | ||
| And black chicks are like, I want to fucking own you, cunt. | ||
| I'm the queen. | ||
| Well, that was the thing that black men, like, there was a big thing they used to say. | ||
| It was that we used to be kings. | ||
| You know, black men used to be kings. | ||
| You know, before we were slaves, we were kings. | ||
| That's because in Africa... | ||
| They only had little villages and they didn't travel very far. | ||
| It was easy to be a king when the population was 10. LAUGHTER And it was you in the other hut, and you're like, I'm Queen Muvusu or whatever, and fucking you go out with your spear, and you think, I'm the king of this little... | ||
| Because still now, they've got guys that are driving taxis in the UK, who's like, I'm Prince Ado, right? | ||
| And you're like, I'm fourth in line for the throne, because there's so many fucking kings over there. | ||
| That's hilarious, and it's so true if you really stop and think about it. | ||
| Like, The amount of people, that's probably directly in line with what we were talking about when we were talking about being famous. | ||
| That you don't want to be the king of a place that's too big. | ||
| You don't want to be the head of Rome. | ||
| There's too much shit going on. | ||
| You're in all these other countries. | ||
| A lot of people to overthrow you. | ||
| Too much stress. | ||
| Everybody's looking to kill you all the time. | ||
| But if you're the king of a fucking small village, you're probably doing pretty good. | ||
| You get all the fish. | ||
| You're good. | ||
| You got, you know, ten wives or whatever the hell you need. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You get golden. | |
| You got ten wives. | ||
| Occasionally you can go over to a guy's house and just take a goat. | ||
| Yeah, it's a tribute he has to pay. | ||
| But if you're like the head of England, god damn, there's a lot of pressure on you. | ||
| Well, King Ralph, yeah, that was a good film. | ||
| You know what I like about King Ralph? | ||
| King Ralph is a movie where you know they've worked backwards. | ||
| They've gone, alright, this is the... | ||
| You've come up with movie ideas, but if you come up with movie ideas, you think of just the broad strokes. | ||
| So someone's gone, okay, an American guy is the king of England, and he's a slob, and he likes 10-pin bowling. | ||
| Alright, that's what I've got. | ||
| And then another guy's gone, how do we get rid of the royal family? | ||
| I'm thinking, alright? | ||
| And then one of them's gone, I've got it. | ||
| They're all standing in a puddle and get electrocuted. | ||
| They take a photo of the entire royal family at once. | ||
| They're standing in a bit of water. | ||
| The camera falls over. | ||
| Light falls into the puddle. | ||
| And they all get electrified to death. | ||
| Electrified? | ||
| Electrocuted. | ||
| And then, obviously, they go through all the family. | ||
| They can't find a single relative until they find a fat guy from Milwaukee called Ralph. | ||
| I don't know if he's from Milwaukee. | ||
| It sounds like he was. | ||
| King Ralph. | ||
| I never saw that movie. | ||
| Peter O'Toole was in it. | ||
| Was it good? | ||
| Peter O'Toole. | ||
| Who's one of the... | ||
| It's funny! | ||
| I haven't seen it yet. | ||
| Have you seen it recently? | ||
| I tell you what. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And movies... | ||
| I tell you what I watched three days ago. | ||
| I watched The Doors movie. | ||
| Great fucking movie. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because I went and saw it when I was... | ||
| It was 1993 or 1992 when that movie came out. | ||
| I saw it in the cinema, so that would have made me 16. I was a kid from Australia. | ||
| I had never heard a Doors song, but I knew it was hip to like the Doors. | ||
| And so I went along and watched it. | ||
| It was Oliver Stone. | ||
| It's a lot of cutting back and forth and all this type of stuff. | ||
| And I remember walking out of the cinema, being bored out of my skull at 15, but then still saying to my friends, like, that was a cool movie, man. | ||
| Lying. | ||
| Yeah, lying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And then when I heard someone didn't like the film, I was like, you obviously didn't get it. | ||
| You obviously don't get what Jim Morrison has to say. | ||
| And now I watched it as an adult and I enjoyed it more, but my conclusion was that Jim Morrison was a bit of a dick. | ||
| He was definitely a bit of a dick, but he was also a guy, just like we were talking about when we were talking about Lenny Bruce, he was living in a totally different era. | ||
| Breaking out in that era, doing what they were doing was completely radical. | ||
| How many young comedians have you met that think they're like a gym? | ||
| Like, oh yeah, the things I'm saying and the words I'm... | ||
| More hicks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You ever worked the punchline in Atlanta? | ||
| Yes, I have, yeah. | ||
| Got a back room, the green room has someone wrote on the wall, quit trying to be Hicks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's fucking brilliant. | ||
| It's brilliant. | ||
| Because for a long time, like, especially after Hicks died, when he died, martyred him. | ||
| In the UK, that's all I care about. | ||
| They're Hicksed up, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I've actually, I like Bill Hicks, but I've gone out of my way not to watch him because I got kind of sick of... | ||
| Anytime you did edgy comedy, you got compared to him, and I thought, if I don't watch him, then you can't compare, because I'm not influenced, so I haven't, you know what I mean? | ||
| Well, that's a compliment. | ||
| I don't think people are meaning it in a negative way. | ||
| Yeah, no, no, but it just got to the stage where, evidently, we were all trying to be Bill Hicks. | ||
| Yeah, that's just an easy criticism. | ||
| That's like, if you have an argument with a woman, and someone says, oh, you hate women, you hate all women, like, You know that easy argument? | ||
| And if you're edgy and they want to dismiss you, oh, you're just trying to be hicks. | ||
| It's an easy dismissal. | ||
| My girlfriend's favorite argument is when I'm telling her off about something, or when she's telling me, or whatever the argument is, is the problem with you is you always think you're right. | ||
| And I always go, do you say things that you think are wrong? | ||
| Is this what you fucking do? | ||
| Of course I always think I'm right. | ||
| I might not be right, but these are my opinions. | ||
| These are what I therefore believe to be correct. | ||
| Are you just fucking saying things willy-nilly? | ||
| So this is probably why we fight so much. | ||
| But yeah, I always believe I'm right. | ||
| I think if you consider it deeply enough, you should always believe you're right. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you're just talking off the top of your head, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I might be an idiot, but I always think I'm right. | ||
| Yeah, I don't ever say anything that I think is wrong. | ||
| Several times I am wrong, but I don't know that before the fight. | ||
| That's a very important point. | ||
| That you don't know you're wrong, but you are. | ||
| But I have a real problem with that. | ||
| When someone realizes in the middle of an argument that they're wrong, and then they keep going. | ||
| No, when they keep going. | ||
| I fucking hate that, when you hear them justifying it. | ||
| Yeah, they don't back down. | ||
| That drives me crazy. | ||
| It's like I was... | ||
| I was on set. | ||
| DJ Qualls was in my shows, The Skinny Kid Out of Road Trip. | ||
| He was singing along to Wanted Dead or Alive by Bon Jovi. | ||
| I'm wanted dead or alive. | ||
| And then there's a line, On the steel horse I ride. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah, I always thought it was, I'm going to steal the horse I ride. | ||
| Because he's a cowboy. | ||
| But it turns out he's riding on a motorcycle. | ||
| That's better, actually. | ||
| And I haven't got the gist of this song whatsoever. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And I said, oh, you got that wrong. | ||
| I'm going to steal the horse I ride. | ||
| And then he said, no, it's not. | ||
| And then I went, no, you're wrong. | ||
| I checked it on the internet and he was right, but I didn't back down. | ||
| Just keep it mum. | ||
| I just kept on going for weeks about it. | ||
| You don't even know fucking song lyrics. | ||
| This guy knew it upset him. | ||
| Either one is fine. | ||
| Steel Horse or Steal the Horse. | ||
| I think Steal the Horse is more renegade cowboy. | ||
| Steel Horse is any asshole can go buy a Harley Davidson and pretend you're a fucking cowboy. | ||
| I like my lyrics better. | ||
| It's better. | ||
| It is better. | ||
| Steal the Horse I Ride, that's some real renegade shit. | ||
| You're a horse thief. | ||
| There's a song. | ||
| One of my favorite songs from an Australian band called You and I is called Heavy Heart. | ||
| And there's a lyric that goes, Now every t-shirt's got a wine stain. | ||
| I'm loving cigarettes again. | ||
| I know every t-shirt. | ||
| It's just about a guy who's been dumped, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Now every t-shirt's got a wine stain. | ||
| I always thought it was now every t-shirt has a white stain. | ||
| And that's my lyrics. | ||
| Because he's been dumped, so he's wanking so much that he's getting cum everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's probably better. | ||
| In a romantic song though, every t-shirt's got a white stain. | ||
| I'm loving cigarettes again. | ||
| Weinstein. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Hold me closer, Tony Danza. | ||
| Yeah, that's a good one. | ||
| Yeah, everybody used to have a bit about that. | ||
| That was one of the early stand-up bits that people used to have a bit about people getting the lyrics wrong. | ||
| There was a bunch of guys that had that. | ||
| Where they used to have the sheet where they have them written and they'd be flipping them over, what they thought was... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| They would sing the wrong lyrics. | ||
| There was a few guys that had bits, and it would be a real problem if they worked together. | ||
| There's a few guys that had bits about people getting the wrong... | ||
| Lucy in the Sky with diamonds. | ||
| They would come up with the wrong word for it, and they would have a whole thing. | ||
| I saw a lot of guys... | ||
| Hold me close to Tony Danza. | ||
| That's Photoshop, though. | ||
| So obviously. | ||
| There was a... | ||
| There was a lot of guys who would have a pad and they'd write out... | ||
| In Britain, they'd write out all the lyrics to songs like... | ||
| You know that song they always play in satanic movies? | ||
| It's in Latin, right? | ||
| But he would write out what he thought it was in English. | ||
| And when you saw the words with the music, your ear started to go, Oh, that is what they're saying. | ||
| And then there was another one for that Michael Jackson, The Earth Song. | ||
| That one. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No one knows what the fuck he's saying and that. | ||
| He's just screaming around. | ||
| That was very proper in Britain for them to go, these are the words I think. | ||
| Yeah, it's kind of hacky. | ||
| It's kind of hacky. | ||
| I don't mind a guy. | ||
| Occasionally you get song parody guys that are really shit. | ||
| Most of them are shit, but occasionally you'll get a guy where you go, oh, he's alright, him. | ||
| Just out of nowhere. | ||
| It's like anything. | ||
| Even if you do something shit, if you do it extraordinarily well, then it can be good. | ||
| Well, it sucks for a guy like Weird Al Yankovic, who was like one of the first guys. | ||
| He does it very good and just doesn't change the lyrics. | ||
| He gives a whole new story. | ||
| It's like he does that offspring song, I'm pretty fly for a rabbi. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And it's just all about this guy, and he's in his rabbi place, and he's in a synagogue, and, you know... | ||
| It is a weird thing, though, when someone else creates the foundation for what you're doing. | ||
| You know, whenever you're doing a parody of something, someone else creates a foundation, and then you come along and build comedy on the foundation of whatever they're doing. | ||
| Like, I'm fat from I'm bad. | ||
| You know, you wear it... | ||
| He's got the same outfit on. | ||
| But he was the first guy to really... | ||
| He used to get the rights from people, like for the film clips and everything. | ||
| People used to like it when they did it. | ||
| Oh, I'm sure. | ||
| See, at the moment, I've been told... | ||
| That Dana Carvey does an impersonation of me. | ||
| I desperately want to see it. | ||
| Dana Carvey does an impersonation of you? | ||
| Yeah, like at CAA, the agents said, we just know Dana Carvey does an impersonation of you. | ||
| We're all cracking up. | ||
| I don't think he does it on stage, but he was just doing it for the other agents down at CAA. And then I think they thought that I'd be like, what the fuck is that cunt doing? | ||
| I was like, fuck, all I want to know now is what it looks like. | ||
| I want to see Dana. | ||
| Dana Carvey's like one of the best impersonators ever. | ||
| Yeah, that's cool. | ||
| That's cool that he's doing an impersonation of you. | ||
| I'd say that's a good sign. | ||
| That's a good sign, yeah. | ||
| He's one of those guys that I always think... | ||
| Maybe he just didn't want to do movies anymore. | ||
| Because he just lives up in San Francisco now. | ||
| He plays clubs every weekend and stuff like that. | ||
| Does he? | ||
| Yeah, I think. | ||
| Does he do a lot of stand-up? | ||
| Yeah, but I think he does it in a club down the road from his house where he goes every week and it's packed out. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| He's just that guy. | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| I think he was at the Ice House recently. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I, man, those era films, like Wayne's World and all that, were a big deal for me. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| I think I saw Wayne's World more than any movie ever in my life. | ||
| Well, he's doing a bunch of theaters. | ||
| He's doing San Manuel Casino, and he's doing the IP Casino Resort and Spa. | ||
| He's doing smaller casinos. | ||
| But maybe he's doing, you know, he just mostly works up there. | ||
| I want to put him in legit. | ||
| If we get a third season, I want to put him in. | ||
| Have him do an impression of you? | ||
| Yeah, maybe that could be the reason. | ||
| Like I could see him on TV doing impersonation of me. | ||
| I go to confront him or something. | ||
| It would be a cool episode. | ||
| Like if I was a bit arrogant and all upset and I was on coke when I was watching the episode where he was doing that or the TV spot. | ||
| I think for a guy like him, you know, I bet it's probably really a nice thing to do, to just be able to do theaters, just do his gig on the weekends and then go places and not have anybody telling him, you know, oh, our movie got funded, the production company wants to change something about your show. | ||
| It's like my PR person wanted to come along to me with this because they didn't book it. | ||
| They went, oh, we should come along to everything. | ||
| I'm like, I've done Joe's podcast before, just fine, getting there by myself. | ||
| Oh, PR people are disgusting. | ||
| When people bring them and they start talking to me, what he needs to do is, get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| You can't talk for him. | ||
| There's a reason why he's here and not you. | ||
| He's a talker. | ||
| This is a comedian or she or whoever the fuck the guest is. | ||
| It's a very odd occupation, the PR. Well, they're confused. | ||
| Everybody else that you have employed, you can sort of... | ||
| Exactly tell where the money's coming from. | ||
| Your agent books the gigs and your manager gets your thing. | ||
| You can sort of go, quintessentially, you can justify that. | ||
| But with PR, it's just like, I don't know, is that worth the money? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Did I get anything out of it? | ||
| Is my life better? | ||
| I'm not sure what happened there. | ||
| Some of them are real good. | ||
| Some of them are really good at it. | ||
| I have a good publicist. | ||
| If I need to do things, he can get me those things. | ||
| If I want to promote something, a gig or what have you. | ||
| But the bad ones are the ones that tell the clients what to say and what to do and where to don't talk about this. | ||
| Remember, don't do this. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| You can never do that with a comic. | ||
| Comics should do, most likely, the mistake that you think that they're going to make would be one of the best things they could do. | ||
| Like you telling them not to say something, if they wind up saying it and it becomes hilarious, a big uproar, and the network gets pissed, it's probably the best thing they could ever do. | ||
| I got in trouble a couple of weeks ago on Opie and Anthony just ringing in and I had to have my publicist check that I didn't fuck everything up in my life because Carrie Fisher's in this season are legit and so I chatted to Carrie Fisher for a while and Carrie Fisher told me a little bit about what she was doing in Star Wars And I didn't think it was a big secret. | ||
| And I was talking to Opie and anything about it. | ||
| What was it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, what was it? | |
| It turns out, like, on Star Wars forums and webpages went fucking mental. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, Jim Jefferies just spilt the beans on the new Star Wars film. | |
| Oh, no. | ||
| And I was like, ah, fuck. | ||
| They're the last fucking bit of mafia in this town that I need going after me. | ||
| The people who are in charge of it. | ||
| Disney. | ||
| 20th Century Fox and Disney at once, teaming up to ruin my career. | ||
| So she told you a secret? | ||
| No, she didn't tell me a big secret. | ||
| All she said was, she said to me, she goes, I'm going to film Star Wars sort of January through to July. | ||
| And I said on opening Anthony, I go, well, it was announced. | ||
| I go, she can't be having a small role. | ||
| Because she's there for that many months. | ||
| So, like, I imagine that we're going to see her, Luke Skywalker, and Han Solo in the whole film. | ||
| You know, which many people were speculating that they'll just have a cameo. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And I was saying, well, that amount of time... | ||
| And I thought maybe this was information that everyone already knew. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I didn't know that I had some secret. | ||
| I can say it again here because I'm already in trouble, right? | ||
| She was the one who fucked up by telling you. | ||
| If you're going to tell someone something that's a secret, you've got to say, hey, you can't tell anybody this. | ||
| Well, I don't know if it was a secret. | ||
| I don't know if it's just been blown out of a point. | ||
| But they say that Episode 7 is a continuation of Episode 6. I'm like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Eh! | |
| There's going to have to be a 30-year gap between these things unless something happened with the Force where everyone aged really fast. | ||
| They lost me 100% a few years back. | ||
| It's like the first couple of Star Wars, the original few, were pretty good. | ||
| And then when they took that gap and then came back, was it in the 80s? | ||
| The late 80s when they started doing them again? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The Phantom Menace was... | ||
| Later than that, man, that was like 19... | ||
| No, 2000, I was at university. | ||
| Was it really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, well, wherever it was, I was like, man, this is just not Star Wars. | ||
| That was the height of my ecstasy taking. | ||
| I was at that stupid thing when you get so into pills where you're like, we're going to have to see Star Wars and we'll be on ecstasy. | ||
| Because it's like, someone's just spent a billion dollars on special effects and that's still not good enough for my mind anymore. | ||
| I need to see it. | ||
| What is it like to see that movie on Ecstasy? | ||
| Do you forgive them more? | ||
| I actually saw it the first time on Ecstasy and I remember saying to people as we walked out, best Star Wars ever. | ||
| And then I went and saw it two more times. | ||
| And also, it didn't adjust after the drugs were off because I'd been telling everyone all that week, you've got to see it. | ||
| It's better than the original Star Wars. | ||
| Oh no! | ||
| Because the pod thing, not the podcast, the pod racing blew my fucking mind when I was in XC. Yeah. | ||
| Jar Jar Binks, he is awesome in this movie. | ||
| Best actor. | ||
| I smell an Oscar. | ||
| Do you remember how bad that character was? | ||
| Everybody was angry. | ||
| You know what was bad about those new films were, and I don't know if George is just an idiot, but a little bit racist. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jar Jar Binks was obviously like a black sort of slave woman from a Gone with the Wind style film. | ||
| And a black actor. | ||
| Pull up the Jar Jar Binks video. | ||
| No, but the way he talked. | ||
| Ah, me sir, get you for that, sir. | ||
| Me sir gonna help you out to me, sir. | ||
| And he was like, just fucking shine my shoes and fuck off. | ||
| Like it was that level of racism they were putting in. | ||
| And then they made the guys who were the trade embargo people. | ||
| They were like Nazi-esque Japanese people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They were like, you have no section here in this part of the galaxy. | |
| Like that, right? | ||
| Pull up a video. | ||
| Pull up a video. | ||
| I don't want to hear you do it. | ||
| No, it's Aunt Maybel or whatever. | ||
| Well, that's interesting, man. | ||
| I never even thought about it that way. | ||
| And then the goodies all had British accent. | ||
| All the Jedis were like, we are part of the realm of the thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then, you cannot come into our trade. | |
| Right? | ||
| So it was like... | ||
| And all the Gungans were like laid-back Jamaican-style black people in the end of the film where they were all like hippies. | ||
| There is that thing that we do when we have a language that we want to be noble. | ||
| We give it an English accent. | ||
| Or villains. | ||
| They're good at villains or romantic leads, the English accent. | ||
| Like, when you hear... | ||
| Why is this music playing in the background? | ||
| Because I think most of the videos with Jar Jar Binks have been taken off YouTube, but this one's so awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
*喝 병 and it's almost full of damage to F grapple around with the He always has to walk ten steps behind these masters. | |
| That's so weird, man. | ||
| The music is killing me. | ||
| He was the first fully CGI'd person in the cinema, and the technology just was a few years off. | ||
| Because then they sort of nailed it with Gollum. | ||
| Well, they can make it... | ||
| The thing about these guys, like Jar Jar Binks, is it's not a real thing. | ||
| So you don't compare it to a real thing, and it doesn't fuck with you. | ||
| Like, a real lion looks way different than a CGI lion. | ||
| There's something about the way they move. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| But Godzilla is probably going to look fucking badass. | ||
| Lizards and stuff look really good, but I always say don't CGI clothes. | ||
| As soon as you CGI clothing on something, the material doesn't flow too smoothly like it's water or something. | ||
| It doesn't ruffle like a real shirt. | ||
| Yoda looked cool as a puppet. | ||
| He was more believable as a puppet because he existed. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And now Yoda, it's like with his flowing cloak that he comes in with, it just doesn't, that's what takes me out of it. | ||
| Yeah, that's the argument that special effects guys have for using makeup and like Richard, you know, the type of special effects that they used in Star Wars, the original Star Wars, it's all like the same shit they use in American Werewolf in London, like rubber and, you know, hair and they, it's all special effects guys. | ||
| But it's real. | ||
| Rick Baker was like the main guy. | ||
| But yeah, it's a real thing. | ||
| Whereas like if you're looking at, hair is a big one. | ||
| Like flowing hair. | ||
| Any flowing hair that's CGI, it looks like shit. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Unless it's like in a CGI world, like a Pixar film where everyone's fucking looking that way. | ||
| But if it's standing next to another person, you're like, Yeah. | ||
| It's not real. | ||
| Yeah, it's not. | ||
| They're not ready yet. | ||
| Animals are not ready yet. | ||
| The wolves in Game of Thrones, those dire wolves, they're like... | ||
| We got John Ratzenberger on my show. | ||
| He plays one of the dads, right? | ||
| Who's Cliff Clavin from Cheers. | ||
| Ah, great. | ||
| Now, I can always tell the age of a girl... | ||
| Like, I don't shit on my girlfriend or anything, but I always think when these girls were extras, I have one line on the thing. | ||
| You always think, I wonder if I could have fucked her. | ||
| You know, that's how all your life is like this, right? | ||
| Right, of course. | ||
| And I was talking to one girl thinking she was cute. | ||
| And then this is the way I gauge a girl whether she's too young for me. | ||
| Whether when she's talking to John Ratzenberger, does she know him as A, Cliff from Cheers or B, the pig from Toy Story? | ||
| And if she's never heard of Cheers and he goes, oh yeah, I'm Hammy, the pig from Toy Story. | ||
| I got some coin. | ||
| Hey, Buzz Lightyear. | ||
| If he does all that and they go, oh, I know who you are. | ||
| You go, okay, you can't go near that girl. | ||
| It's too young. | ||
| Too young. | ||
| It's a... | ||
| Like, surely you must have seen Cheers once. | ||
| A lot of people haven't. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because kids today don't see anything old because they've got too many channel options. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Too many new shows to catch up on. | ||
| I used to see... | ||
| I've seen all the Albert Castellanos, Mar and Park Kettle films, every Shirley Temple movie, because my mother liked these old black and white films, and they were on a Sunday, and we only had four channels, and we only had one TV, so I had to fucking sit and watch these films, right? | ||
| Because I didn't go out of the house for whatever reason. | ||
| Now, the kids today... | ||
| They've got their own, you know, you had to wake up for a cartoon. | ||
| Remember you had to, the cartoon was at Sunday, you had to wake up for it. | ||
| I remember that shit. | ||
| Now you can DVR it, plus you've got a cartoon channel, and then when you get a bit older, you've got this channel that sort of caters to you being a fucking moron, the Nickelodeon one, where it's like, now, like, you're growing up a little bit, we're still going to keep you children. | ||
| When the kids should be start watching more adult sort of, drama-y type things, now they're watching fucking Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana or all that type of shit. | ||
| Have you ever seen Nick at Night or Nick Moms? | ||
| They have Nick Moms stand-up. | ||
| Nick's After Dark, yeah. | ||
| Where they have the moms doing stand-ups. | ||
| About being a mom. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I guess it works for them. | ||
| I'm not hating or anything. | ||
| But it seems like a very restrictive thing. | ||
| It's like I once did an atheist convention in front of like 5,000 people in Australia and I was booked to do it. | ||
| And as I said, I retire my jokes after they're done. | ||
| This is the only time I brought back old jokes in recent times because I had to do a 40-minute set. | ||
| It had to be all religious stuff. | ||
| And I have 40 minutes of religious stuff over the course of all my specials, but never at once. | ||
| So I actually sat looking myself up on YouTube going, oh, that's how that bit goes. | ||
| Oh, that's how that bit goes. | ||
| So I could just do a religious fucking set. | ||
| A 40-minute religious set. | ||
| How do you keep yourself from repeating the same sort of theme? | ||
| Well, I've done a lot of religious things, but there was a little bit of cheating going on in the sense that I'd go, I'd go, fucking, these Catholics don't like people wearing condoms, do they? | ||
| Anyway, fuck the chick without a condom. | ||
| That wasn't a religious routine. | ||
| But there was some definite... | ||
| You got to. | ||
| Yeah, there was some dressing up of other jokes to make them look like they were religious. | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| But when you do... | ||
| When you meet that many atheists... | ||
| Okay, the atheist community, not a good looking bunch. | ||
| Not a lot of sexy atheists. | ||
| I don't know why. | ||
| A lot of redundancy too. | ||
| Yeah, a lot. | ||
| And yeah, as I said, my opening line was, look at this, 5,000 people talking about nothing. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Like, there's a lot of effort to talk about nothing. | ||
| Well, have you ever heard of Atheism Plus? | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Ugh, this is where it gets rough. | ||
| It's Atheism Plus a set of core ethical and moral values. | ||
| So, it's like, you know, anti-discrimination, anti-racism. | ||
| Essentially, it's a religion. | ||
| A religion based on... | ||
| A type of anti-religion but social code. | ||
| You should just know how to do these things. | ||
| You should have your own social code inherently in you as a human being. | ||
| I call it duh. | ||
| Atheism plus is duh. | ||
| Yeah, duh, don't be racist. | ||
| Duh, don't be homophobic. | ||
| I think at a certain point in time, when enough information gets distributed... | ||
| Like, okay, like, for instance, this group, okay? | ||
| The four people that are in this room. | ||
| If you want to start preaching to the four people in this room that you shouldn't be homophobic or you shouldn't be racist, like, to us, with no point other than just espousing your beliefs, we'd be like, duh. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| What the fuck are you saying? | ||
| Unless there's some humor to it, you're just repeating some shit that everybody with a fucking brain and a heart agrees with. | ||
| Like, why would you be sexist? | ||
| Why would you be homophobic? | ||
| Why would you be... | ||
| Yeah, all the simple fundamental things that decide whether you can be friends with a person. | ||
| Just the bit where these are deal breakers for me, if you're homophobic, you're racist, I think you're a cock, if you're any of these things. | ||
| And then there's the other things like, I'm anti-gun, I have a lot of people who are pro-gun, you know what I mean? | ||
| That's something that's just open to fucking argument or debate, but it's not a deal closer when it comes to being a friend, right? | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| And then, of course, we all hate women. | ||
| We're all on the same page with that one, right? | ||
| The antidepressant one is one that I leave open to debate. | ||
| I have people that I'm friends with that will go on this big rant about how evil antidepressants are. | ||
| And I have friends that are on them. | ||
| Oh, I've used them and I've found they have helped me in my life. | ||
| You used them and you got off of them? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Why'd you get off of them? | ||
| I probably should stay on them, but I'm of the opinion in life it's better to be taking nothing into your body, medicine-wise. | ||
| You know, there's other things you should take, vitamins or whatever, but I feel like if you can get away with it and not take it, it's probably better in the long term. | ||
| Have you ever fucked around with 5-HTP? What's that? | ||
| 5-HTP is the building blocks for serotonin. | ||
| And you can take it in a supplement form. | ||
| And 5-HTP actually helps your body produce more serotonin. | ||
| It makes you feel better. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| I'd be definitely up for something like that. | ||
| For me, I've been on antidepressants sometimes. | ||
| Sometimes a big tragic event happened in my life and I just haven't been able to pull my shit together a couple of times that happened. | ||
| The last time I was just suffering from depression and it just wasn't fucking shifting. | ||
| You ever been hitting the head? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many times? | ||
| Lots? | ||
| One major, like high school a few times, but one major time as an adult. | ||
| There's an infamous video of me getting punched on stage, but that one didn't actually hurt. | ||
| That was just a little dinger. | ||
| But one time I got off stage in Nottingham, England, and no hint that the gig had gone badly or hecklers or anything like that, and a guy came up and grabbed me from the back of the head and smashed my head into a table, and I fractured my skull above the bridge of my nose. | ||
| Why did he do that? | ||
| I'm never quite sure. | ||
| I was knocked out. | ||
| Did they arrest the guy? | ||
| From what I heard, the security roughed him up. | ||
| The British government gave me £10,000 in compensation. | ||
| But you got knocked unconscious, huh? | ||
| And I woke up in a hospital, yeah. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| It was like one of those one-hitters. | ||
| Also, I was facing the other direction and... | ||
| It was really... | ||
| And this is what I'll say because this is one of the debates I get in. | ||
| I'm all for public healthcare and I'm saying that as someone who's got money and would pay for my private healthcare on top of that anyway. | ||
| In Britain, man, they put me in a hospital. | ||
| They never checked my name. | ||
| They made sure I was all fucking well and good and then they just left me and I wasn't a citizen or nothing. | ||
| I agree with you 100%. | ||
| I think that healthcare should be mandatory that society takes care of its citizens. | ||
| I think there should be optional healthcare, like a really good doctor, you know, like to get your knee fixed or something like that. | ||
| You want to go to the guy who does the Lakers. | ||
| But everyone should be able to get healthcare. | ||
| You should, the poorer people in society should have free healthcare. | ||
| And when I say the poorer people, people like students, even if you come from a rich family or whatever, but once you're on your own at 18 and you want to stand on your own two legs and you don't want to ring mum and dad up and go, you know what I mean? | ||
| They should be taken care of. | ||
| And then once you get a bit, like normally when you get money, it's later in life and you have more ailments later in life anyway. | ||
| But in the UK, I paid for my private healthcare on top of my normal healthcare. | ||
| Now, the public healthcare. | ||
| If I had something small, I used to use the public healthcare just to see a GP or the emergency room or whatever. | ||
| I just saw my thing. | ||
| And then if they said, for instance, I had a cyst in my neck that had to be cut out. | ||
| And the doctor goes, alright, you can be put on the waiting list for the public healthcare, you can get it done in four weeks, or I can do it for you tomorrow if you use your private cover. | ||
| So you get moved up the ladder a bit quicker. | ||
| Ah, I see. | ||
| So all these people who are complaining in America, oh, I won't get as much help. | ||
| If you still buy it on top, that's a better system. | ||
| And then nothing changes. | ||
| But I don't think they've structured it brilliantly out here, or maybe... | ||
| They've been up against it trying to explain it to Americans. | ||
| Because I listen to people on the radio all the time who sound poor to me. | ||
| They sound like they're working class people. | ||
| And they're like, I don't want this healthcare. | ||
| This healthcare is going to... | ||
| And you're like, you don't want what? | ||
| The whole fact that these companies... | ||
| Won't cover existing conditions. | ||
| If you have a little child that's born with AIDS or whatever, I know that's a very exact thing I've just said, but of course someone, they should have healthcare. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| You know, there should be certain core things that society takes care of. | ||
| There should be law enforcement, there should be hospitals, there should be fire departments. | ||
| When those core things are not being taken care of, If you don't have healthcare for people, what's the point in having a society? | ||
| If you can't give these people the ability to heal themselves, isn't that one of the major things you would want to take care of? | ||
| People say it's not in the Constitution, but in the Constitution... | ||
| What? | ||
| Well, it was written when healthcare was shit. | ||
| Yeah, they didn't even know what the fuck they were doing. | ||
| They had chicken bones. | ||
| They didn't even have Band-Aids. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| They didn't have Band-Aids. | ||
| They didn't have sticky shit yet. | ||
| The leeches were very, very in. | ||
| That's how people thought you'd heal. | ||
| They didn't know enough about bodies. | ||
| But the whole idea that we have to stick only by things that were in the Constitution, the world is so fucking radically different than it was in the 1700s. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the idea is just fucking stupid. | ||
| It's just a stupid idea. | ||
| The Constitution has some great ideas and a great understanding of what goes wrong when corruption takes hold. | ||
| It's like the Ten Commandments. | ||
| It's a good foundation and a base, but then you can add to it and then... | ||
| What did Louis C.K. say? | ||
| The Ten Commandments don't say you can't rape. | ||
| Well, rape is kind of tolerated in the Bible. | ||
| Women are second-class citizens in the Bible. | ||
| It's so clearly flavored by the time in which people wrote it. | ||
| There's a lot of fucking shit in the Bible. | ||
| When they talk about coveting their wife's neighbor, that's not about fucking her or wanting to fuck her. | ||
| It's about she's property. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Coveting, it's like taking his property. | ||
| It's not like coveting his wife, you know, because they're in love and you're going to fuck up their gig. | ||
| Coverting her face and over her tits. | ||
| Look at all that covet I put on you. | ||
| I don't have a great grasp of the English language. | ||
| I don't think most people do. | ||
| Coveting thy neighbor's wife, though, is about him being, you know, him owning her. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Slaves. | ||
| They have all these laws in the Bible about beating your slaves. | ||
| It's all written about wherever the guy was within a five-mile radius. | ||
| There's a webpage called Ask God or something where little kids can type in. | ||
| And the most asked question on Ask God is, this is what kids' brains work like. | ||
| Kids want to know, were there kangaroos on the ark? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| After they hear all the stories, a child can get the Bible down to, this is the information I want. | ||
| Were there kangaroos in the ark is the most asked question. | ||
| And the answer is, although there is no mention of kangaroos in the Bible, you can be assured because there was two of each animal that there were kangaroos in the ark. | ||
| They just decided to leave it out because not a lot of Australians read the Bible? | ||
| No, they just left it out because they didn't fucking know about Australia! | ||
| God made the entire earth and the universe and all that type of stuff and he did it in like a week, but he didn't know about Australia, at least not to mention in his book. | ||
| The Australia thing is very interesting because it's such a huge continent and there's all these animals that are specific to Australia, like the kangaroo. | ||
| Those motherfuckers aren't anywhere else. | ||
| No. | ||
| What a weird animal. | ||
| They went out and fucking wombats on the ark. | ||
| And when Noah finished, when the water was going down, or when the water was receding, like to where it is now... | ||
| Did he go and drop everyone off at their different places? | ||
| Maybe all these animals were rocking around the town that he was in. | ||
| They all lived in this one town. | ||
| And then he went, oh, these are all the animals we've got left. | ||
| You're going to Australia. | ||
| You're going to Australia. | ||
| Polar bears. | ||
| You're going to be on this boat for a while. | ||
| Lions, Africa. | ||
| He must have decided, right? | ||
| Is there a bit in the Bible where he decides? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| They all walked and they found their spots on the world. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How? | ||
| How did they make it to Australia? | ||
| God provided them walking on water abilities. | ||
| They gave them those big shoes that you have on holidays that you think are good when you're going to walk on water. | ||
| Tennis racket shoes. | ||
| Yeah, those ones. | ||
| Those are snow shoes. | ||
| You need those, man, if you actually go walking in snow. | ||
| If you ever watch any of those Alaska shows where people live in... | ||
| Stops you from sinking, right? | ||
| Yeah, they have these giant, like, you know, sort of like net-looking shoes, and they walk around on those fucking things, and it keeps you from... | ||
| It spreads out your weight over a large space. | ||
| It keeps you from... | ||
| Like, if you were on pegs walking through the snow, it would be a real fucking pain in the ass. | ||
| Stilts would be no good. | ||
| Like you don't want a wide tire when you drive it in the snow. | ||
| A lot of people think that you don't want to get more traction if you had a wide tire. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh really? | |
| Yeah, you actually want a more narrow tire because a narrow tire cuts through the snow. | ||
| The big wide tires tend to float on it because there's more weight is distributed over a larger patch, a larger contact patch. | ||
| I don't really understand the snow. | ||
| I find it weird whenever I go play a gig. | ||
| This week I was in Milwaukee and Detroit and it was snowing in both places. | ||
| And I'm there in the snow and I feel like telling the people... | ||
| You know you're allowed to live anywhere in America. | ||
| You're a citizen. | ||
| You can live anywhere. | ||
| You live in Hawaii. | ||
| Anywhere you want. | ||
| People shoveling out their fucking driveway. | ||
| It seems like madness to me. | ||
| It is kind of madness, but there's a certain type of person that grows up around snow that's a heartier person. | ||
| I understand, like, Canadians, where they're like, ah, I like to hunt and this, and I like to cut down trees and shit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Make my own syrup? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I'm going to put a tap in that tree over there and get syrup out of it. | ||
| I'm like, alright, enjoy yourself. | ||
| But I don't understand if you live in the city. | ||
| Let's say if you have an apartment in the middle of one of these cities. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If you want to live in a big house in the hills and be like... | ||
| In the woods. | ||
| I've brought you some elk. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I understand that, but I don't... | ||
| Why? | ||
| Why live in New York City? | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| And I also don't understand why... | ||
| Let's say you have a shitty job. | ||
| Like you're the guy in a booth that cuts keys. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And you fix heels and shoes. | ||
| I've never understood why those two occupations are bound together. | ||
| Are they together? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's always the shoe fixing guy also will cut keys. | ||
| I don't know if that's true. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| The mailbox, there's a UPS place that I send packages out of. | ||
| They also make keys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Keys have attached themselves to other occupations. | ||
| You can't just have a key store. | ||
| You can't just have a key store. | ||
| You gotta go, I make keys and donuts. | ||
| I never knew that the shoe was there. | ||
| No, the shoe guy is inherently mixed in with the key guy. | ||
| I understand the key guy when he's hanging out with the guy who puts batteries in watches. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| It's a fucking sign. | ||
| It's a sign for sale on eBay. | ||
| It's for key cutting. | ||
| We should get that and ship it to Jim Jeffries. | ||
| Shoe repair and key cutting. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Please purchase that. | ||
| It's $29.99. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Please purchase that. | |
| We'll have it shipped. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| I'll have that. | ||
| I'll put that in my gymnasium. | ||
| So they have those. | ||
| Okay, now if you do that job and you're doing, you fix a heel for $5, $10 and you do a key for $3 and you sit in your booth keying and shooing, Why do that in Manhattan? | ||
| Why don't you become the guy who does that in, like, Kansas, where it's a lot cheaper to live? | ||
| Because they live in Manhattan. | ||
| I know, but you can live anywhere! | ||
| But you're not making a lot of money with that key business. | ||
| Enough where you can stockpile up your cash, move to a new place, get a new house, move all your shit there. | ||
| Yeah, but it's a big investment to move. | ||
| See, the big problem with moving is you need three months worth of rent. | ||
| You need first, last, and security. | ||
| That's a lot of fucking money. | ||
| You also need the moving truck. | ||
| You also need the time. | ||
| Oh, I start again every year. | ||
| I just give away all my shit. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| I moved to England, gave away all my shit. | ||
| I moved over here to America, gave away fucking everything. | ||
| Yeah, but you're a successful comic. | ||
| There's a difference. | ||
| You make a good living every week. | ||
| The stuff that you need to do your job is minimal. | ||
| I mean, what do you need? | ||
| You need a notebook and clothes. | ||
| Well, but when I moved to Britain, I was flat broke. | ||
| And then when I moved over here, I actually was getting sued by Paramount when I moved over here, and they basically cleaned out my bank account as well. | ||
| Why were you getting sued? | ||
| I had a Ford DVD deal with Paramount DVDs UK. I can speak about this now because it's been so long. | ||
| I think I've... | ||
| The statue of whatever. | ||
| Oh, maybe not. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| So I had... | ||
| I had this four DVD deal and I had made one that was never meant to have gone into the shops. | ||
| I said, I'm just going to make one to sell after gigs. | ||
| So it was done really on the cheap and it's called Contraband, which is sort of a cool name for it because it wasn't in shops and all that type of stuff, right? | ||
| And What happened was, after I made that, I just started to get popular in the UK, and they released this into the shop, so I already wasn't happy with them, because it was a really shitty product. | ||
| Really basic looking crap product. | ||
| Anyway, I come over here. | ||
| So I got that DVD in the shops over there. | ||
| I'm doing very well in Britain. | ||
| I did well at the festival and I had a profile now. | ||
| I came over here. | ||
| I got my HBO special. | ||
| And I went back going, good news, everyone. | ||
| I got an HBO special. | ||
| I'm going to make it in America now as well. | ||
| And the lady that was the executive was like talking to a fucking child. | ||
| She was like, but you've still got a three DVD deal with us. | ||
| And I'm there going, yeah, but let me do this one. | ||
| Then we'll start selling product in America. | ||
| I'll do the next three with you. | ||
| You've already got me for a cheap rate. | ||
| Let me do this one in America to raise my price. | ||
| And she goes, but you can't do that. | ||
| Your deal's with us. | ||
| And so I went, I'm doing the HBO special, sue me. | ||
| And so they sued me for the advance money they gave me for the four. | ||
| How much advance do they give you? | ||
| Well, you don't have to tell. | ||
| £90,000. | ||
| And so you had to give them back. | ||
| Which is like 150,000 American. | ||
| It was a lot of money. | ||
| And I had to give them back that plus money that... | ||
| I might have been less than that. | ||
| Anyway, I had to give them that plus money that they'd spent on me. | ||
| So it was like another 20,000 pounds or whatever. | ||
| And so I said, all right, for that, I said, you have to take Contraband off the shelves because I never liked that one. | ||
| So I got that DVD pulled from the shops. | ||
| And I did a lot of jokes on that one in my HBO special as well. | ||
| But I got out of that deal. | ||
| Best thing I ever did, because I've now had three more deals since then to do DVDs afterwards. | ||
| It was the best thing ever, getting sued by those people. | ||
| But at the time, I had that much money, minus 10 grand in my bank account, and was like... | ||
| And I felt like I was the richest guy in the world. | ||
| I had like a hundred thousand pounds in my bank and I felt like I'm sitting pretty and then I'm going to move to America and then I was fucking broke, man. | ||
| They took it all, the bastards. | ||
| Well, it sounds like they were right. | ||
| You had a deal. | ||
| Oh, no, they... | ||
| Unfortunately. | ||
| Fundamentally, they were right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But they could have made a lot more money out of me if they just let me out to do this one special. | ||
| Yeah, but they wouldn't trust you to do that because if you went and did that... | ||
| See, they're not making any money off that HBO thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| The only way to get... | ||
| But they would have gotten Alcoholics fully functional than what I'm about to record. | ||
| Yeah, but they would never... | ||
| How do they know you would stay alive? | ||
| They give you this HBO special, you get hit by a meteor, you know? | ||
| All I know is there was one of the executives that were working for Paramount who agreed with me and one of them who didn't. | ||
| And those two executives were fighting. | ||
| I think one of the execs actually left. | ||
| Because of it? | ||
| Yeah, went to a different... | ||
| I went to work with Sony or something because he was like, I can't fucking... | ||
| This was just stupid. | ||
| This should be a way to work it out. | ||
| I was the first British-based comic in, I can't even think of another one, but let's say in a very long time, to get a major break in America. | ||
| To get an HBO special or a Showtime special in America. | ||
| I'm sure Billy Connolly's probably done one. | ||
| Eddie Izzard's always produced his own type of stuff. | ||
| But I was the first British bass guy to have that sort of thing. | ||
| And there was no way I wasn't going to fucking do it. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| So I just opted out of my contract and got sued. | ||
| I'm not angry about it to this day. | ||
| I feel like it worked out better for me. | ||
| But at the time, it was like someone punching me in the guts when you give over all that money. | ||
| You're like, oh crap. | ||
| Still, though, you getting rid of all your stuff, you're still a successful comic. | ||
| Oh, no, no, no. | ||
| I was still being paid for the HBOs. | ||
| I had money coming in. | ||
| No, it wasn't super difficult. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm saying this is a lot harder for a guy who's making keys. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Key guy. | ||
| If you really stop and think about a guy who has a real low-paying job and the idea of saving money... | ||
| And the idea of figuring out... | ||
| Oh, it doesn't exist, saving money. | ||
| I was reading about this general. | ||
| You heard this case about this general that he got sued for sexual harassment or for sexual misconduct. | ||
| Adultery apparently is illegal in the armed forces. | ||
| That's how they got Petraeus. | ||
| Petraeus got kicked out because of adultery. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Which is pretty fucking unbelievable when you think about it. | ||
| You're allowed to kill people, but you're not allowed to fuck someone other than your wife. | ||
| Like, they'll kick you out of the army for that. | ||
| Like... | ||
| Okay, whatever. | ||
| It seems a little preachy, but yeah. | ||
| But they talked about how much this guy, how much he was making, and you find out how much a general makes. | ||
| They were talking about, it was $4,000 a month, or $5,000 a month for four months. | ||
| They took his money away. | ||
| He didn't get paid for four months while this trial was going on. | ||
| I always find it amazing when you find out how much the president earns. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like a quarter of a million a year. | ||
| Yeah, it's not. | ||
| Well, I think it's a little more than that now. | ||
| I think it's like a half a mil for the president. | ||
| I know that they earn less than the stagehands at Carnegie Hall. | ||
| Whoa, are you serious? | ||
| The stagehands at Carnegie Hall are union-based and you can pass the job on to your children. | ||
| And two-thirds of the stagehands at Carnegie Hall, it's like a fact that they always give in pub quizzes, earn more than the president. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| In 2001, the president earned $400,000, along with a $50,000 annual expense account, a $100,000 non-taxable travel account. | ||
| Now, how much is it today in 2014? | ||
| Today, it's still $400,000. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Plus free iPad, plus Monster Beats. | |
| A travel account. | ||
| You always get an upgrade on Delta. | ||
| The total salary is $550,000 per year with an entertainment stipend. | ||
| He has a $20,000 entertainment stipend. | ||
| That means he gets to have Jay-Z come over and sing him a song. | ||
| Isn't that the one he likes? | ||
| I don't think that's what it is. | ||
| I think it means for his entertainment, money he spends things on. | ||
| $20,000 a year, which I guess, over the course of 365 days, 50, well, it's probably dinner and stuff like that, too. | ||
| I thought he didn't pay for anything. | ||
| I thought he just had a corporate card where he could buy anything and it was on us, you know. | ||
| Well, he has an expense account. | ||
| There's an annual expense account, but it doesn't say how much it is. | ||
| But it says that in 1969, Nixon made $200,000, which is over a million today, in today's dollars. | ||
| In expenses? | ||
| No, per year. | ||
| That's what his salary was. | ||
| Nixon might have given himself a raise, though, that cunt. | ||
| Yeah, he was a crook, I heard. | ||
| Said he wasn't. | ||
| Oh, he was definitely a crook. | ||
| He was a piece of shit, but everybody was a piece of shit back then. | ||
| He was just one of the first guys to get caught. | ||
| There was a whole series of pieces of shits. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| This is an interview that Jimmy Carter did saying that he doesn't use email to talk or anything like that because he thinks the NSA is spying on him, so he only uses postal mail. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, now that he told them that, they're going to intercept his postal mail. | ||
| Read it, print it, reveal it. | ||
| What is he, retarded? | ||
| Of course they're spying on him. | ||
| Who slips eat chips, you old cunt? | ||
| Of course they're spying on him. | ||
| He's an ex-president, right? | ||
| Of course they... | ||
| He doesn't even know how to use a computer, let's be honest. | ||
| He probably knows how to use a computer. | ||
| He's a pretty smart guy. | ||
| Wasn't he a peanut farmer? | ||
| Yeah, peanut. | ||
| At a certain point in time, I think kind of everybody who's paying attention knows how to use a computer in this day and age. | ||
| I'm the worst at it, but I can still email and... | ||
| Then you're better than Dom Herrera. | ||
| You and Dom Herrera should get together and decide who's the worst. | ||
| I say Dom fucking beats you hands down. | ||
| Oh, I can use Netflix and email and I can look at things and update my web pages and stuff. | ||
| That's all I can do. | ||
| But I was the worst for years and years and years. | ||
| And then I always used to look at kids With computers and think, look at these fucking pretentious cunt parents giving their kid an iPad when I didn't have an iPad, you know what I mean? | ||
| And now, I just gave my son, who's 16 months, I got a new iPad and I gave him my old one. | ||
| They love them. | ||
| They love them, but also it's like, you have to, the world is now computers, so the sooner he gets his hand on a computer and is fiddling with a computer, the better. | ||
| Well, it's also, there's connections that are made. | ||
| There's a bunch of games that kids can play on iPads that are actually good for your brain. | ||
| They're making connections. | ||
| They figure out how to do puzzles. | ||
| They figure out how to count things. | ||
| There's like a series of educational games that kids fucking love. | ||
| My three-year-old steals my phone every time I leave it down. | ||
| She'll open it and start going. | ||
| She knows how to open my phone. | ||
| She's fucking three. | ||
| She swipes it and enters in the code. | ||
| She knows what my code is. | ||
| Goes right to the app she wants and starts playing these games. | ||
| And a lot of them are fucking really... | ||
| They're really good for your little brain. | ||
| Well, my son's favorite game is a cat that repeats what he says. | ||
| Well, there's fun ones too. | ||
| My three-year-old likes to do one where she gives mani-pedis to dogs. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of dressing things up... | ||
| Like this one, my son just looks at it and goes, and the thing goes back at him and he laughs. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| As a comedian and someone who has been terrible at sports their entire life, I see a lot of people with dads when they're like, look, he just threw the ball. | ||
| He just threw the ball. | ||
| I literally, with my son, go, he knows that's funny. | ||
| I was proud in the same way that a sporty dad who sees his son kick a goal, I was proud. | ||
| I saw my son, he lifted up one ass cheek, he farted, and then he laughed. | ||
| And I was like, he's developing. | ||
| He knows what's good. | ||
| He knows the good bits. | ||
| My three-year-old runs over, parts her butt cheeks, and farts in my face. | ||
| Right. | ||
| In my face. | ||
| Raw, naked ass, right out of the tub, runs over, bends over in front of me, and farts in my face, and then fucking cries laughing. | ||
| She thinks it's the funniest shit of all time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is. | |
| It's pretty funny. | ||
| You get mad. | ||
| No, I think it's hilarious. | ||
| How could you get mad? | ||
| It's so cute. | ||
| I did something with my son that I think may be illegal, right? | ||
| You know, when you do something, you're like, oh, I might have committed a crime. | ||
| What'd you do? | ||
| Well, I'm in the shower, as I do every morning, and he always comes up when he hears me in the shower, because he wakes up about an hour and a half before I do, because he wakes up early and his mom takes care of him in the morning. | ||
| I'm having a shower and he comes up when he hears that I'm awake and he starts bashing on the glass door. | ||
| And what I do is, because I'm an adorable guy, I always paint a little, like in the condensation, I draw a little tie on him or I give him a voice bubble and then say, I love dad or something. | ||
| I do this little game and he laughs. | ||
| Anyway, so I step out and I go, good morning, Hank. | ||
| And he slapped my cock and he ran off. | ||
| Why is that illegal? | ||
| Well, you're a child touching your cock, right? | ||
| Now, I know, like, I didn't ask him to touch my cock, but also, is it illegal because I laughed? | ||
| And then told you. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| My kids point at my dick and laugh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The three-year-old's like, look at your penis! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah! | |
| She thinks it's hilarious and runs off. | ||
| They're right, though. | ||
| Penises are humorous. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Vaginas are humorous, too. | ||
| Both of them. | ||
| My son now is at the stage where love's holding his cock. | ||
| Just holding it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Found out about it. | ||
| And he sort of pinches it at the end. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I haven't got a lot of baby cocks to reference it against. | ||
| I think my son has a small cock. | ||
| But it's... | ||
| I think it grows alright. | ||
| I think he has a nice erection. | ||
| But I don't... | ||
| I think he has a very... | ||
| He has erections at 16 months? | ||
| They have erections from day one! | ||
| Wow! | ||
| Like, sometimes you wake him up in the morning, you'll take his nappy off because he's got a shit in there, and it'll be a shit-covered erection. | ||
| Uh-oh, that's a weird connection. | ||
| And a good name for a band. | ||
| It's probably already taken. | ||
| It's probably a website. | ||
| But it's... | ||
| It is... | ||
| Yeah, he gets like a little tiny Woody, and I always think... | ||
| What is going on in his head where he is wanted or needed an erection? | ||
| What was the dream that he had last night? | ||
| I know the dreams that I'm having when I wake up with an erection. | ||
| What are the ones that are... | ||
| Like, is that, you know, that cat saying suggestive things off the iPad? | ||
| What is... | ||
| It's probably just blood in his dick. | ||
| It's probably just blood in his dick or it's longing for something that he, you know, I don't know. | ||
| You ever get boners when you're driving for no apparent reason? | ||
| You're not even horny? | ||
| I have, yes, I have. | ||
| Those are weird. | ||
| Those are like blood pools up in your dick boners. | ||
| Sometimes you go to have sex and you gotta fucking work it a bit to get it going. | ||
| And then like other times, you ever done that one where you masturbate in the car while you're driving because you've been stuck in traffic? | ||
| And then, I was alright with it in Britain, but too many people in this town drive SUVs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| I drive a Challenger. | ||
| I'm lower down. | ||
| I get seen by a lot of people. | ||
| You've got to get tinted windows. | ||
| Or I could just stop wanking in my car. | ||
| Or just get one of those things that women use when they breastfeed in public and just jerk off under that. | ||
| Yeah, get a quilt. | ||
| I found out the best thing to do is to plug my phone into the iPod connection and then play porn on it because then I'll get with Subwoofer and everything surround sound porn in my car. | ||
| That's a good move. | ||
| So do you like hold it with one hand and steer with like the last three fingers? | ||
| I normally have to be in traffic so I'm not doing that much steering. | ||
| How often are you beating off in your car? | ||
| Since I've lived in LA the last five years, I know of three times this has happened. | ||
| I'm not going to do it like right now. | ||
| It's like a hobby. | ||
| This is like, I've just been somewhere, some girl's got me going, I'm in a bit of a frenzy, or I've just had a fight with my girlfriend, I'm in a bit of a bad mood, I need to cheer myself up. | ||
| I only beat off once in my car ever. | ||
| And it was when I was driving limos. | ||
| I was driving home from a gig. | ||
| I had to drop some lady off in New Hampshire, drive way the fuck up to New Hampshire. | ||
| It was a long ride back, like an hour and a half back. | ||
| I got bored, so I beat off. | ||
| And I remember the fucking massive feeling of disappointment in myself that I jerked off because I'm jerking off underneath my shirt. | ||
| As soon as I came, I was like, God damn it, this is going to be a thing I do all the time now. | ||
| And I never did it again. | ||
| I was shocked. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| Good for the restraint. | ||
| But it never came up. | ||
| I never wanted to do it again. | ||
| But I'm shocked because I figured I'm such a fucking idiot. | ||
| Once I do something embarrassing like that, I'm like, well, this is something I do now. | ||
| This is not going to be... | ||
| I'm not going to like... | ||
| I remember once having sex with a girl and she was just yelling out, fuck me daddy, fuck me. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And I kind of went, hey, what are you calling me like this for? | ||
| And then I slightly enjoyed her saying it and I went, don't! | ||
| I don't need that to be a thing! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't make that a thing for me because then I'm fucked up and I've got to ask other people to do it and then we're in a real fucking predicament. | ||
| When I was in Boston, I used to bang this really crazy Portuguese chick. | ||
| She used to call her pussy a cunt. | ||
| It was the first girl I'd ever heard say that. | ||
| She was like, fuck that cunt. | ||
| Fuck that cunt. | ||
| She was like angry about it. | ||
| I was like, I hope I don't start liking this. | ||
| That's gonna be hard to get someone else to agree to. | ||
| A lot of gals. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard when you've got a thing. | ||
| And you've got to ask your girl to do that thing. | ||
| I, for a while there, I loved choking girls while I was fucking them for a while. | ||
| I'm not as choky as I used to be. | ||
| But I used to be very fucking hand around the neck, pin you down while I was fucking you, right? | ||
| And some girls, and because I was dating a girl who got off and doing that, right? | ||
| And that's what got me into it, was this is how I made this. | ||
| Then you meet the girls who don't want you to do that. | ||
| But then I met one girl who I was choking her, and then, you know, I'm not choking the whole time, right? | ||
| And then I've stopped, and she's sort of thought, oh, this is what we're doing. | ||
| She starts choking me, and I'm like, don't do that. | ||
| That feels horrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I don't know how bad it feels for you women, but it really hurts my male neck. | ||
| The choking thing is weird. | ||
| It's just like one of those other things where some people love it and some people hate it, and you never fucking know until it comes up. | ||
| You know, you could date a girl and have no idea she likes to be choked. | ||
| Like, the first girl that I ever dated that liked to be choked was so girly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She was, like, so, like, you would never... | ||
| She wasn't loud. | ||
| She always wore dresses. | ||
| She wasn't, like... | ||
| Boisterous or provocative or slutty. | ||
| She's a regular girl. | ||
| And she fucking loved it. | ||
| She asked me to choke her. | ||
| And I was like, what do you mean choke you? | ||
| How do you mean choke you? | ||
| She goes, just grab my neck while you're fucking me. | ||
| I'm like, okay. | ||
| Hard? | ||
| You want me to hurt you? | ||
| What's going on here? | ||
| And then if you thought about doing it to another girl, they would freak out. | ||
| It's weird what one person, what's their big turn on. | ||
| And another person is like... | ||
| It's sometimes bad when you bring the choke into a girl who doesn't want it. | ||
| It's always bad! | ||
| You're like, ah! | ||
| I was with a girl that had an iron deficiency, and every time she would want me to choke her, the next day she would just have these horrible bruises around her neck, and she just would have to wear turtlenecks and stuff. | ||
| But it looked like if I ever got in trouble, oh, I'm fucked. | ||
| Some girls do bruise up. | ||
| I just got diagnosed as an anemic. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, which isn't pleasant. | ||
| Do you eat a lot of red meat? | ||
| I do, yeah. | ||
| Do you ever take iron supplements? | ||
| I'm going to start on iron supplements. | ||
| I've never taken them before. | ||
| Well, I think I got diagnosed like three days ago. | ||
| I'm actually going to the doctor again in 30 minutes for the second check on this. | ||
| You know, you still smoke cigarettes. | ||
| That probably has a factor in it too. | ||
| Yeah, no doubt. | ||
| Yeah, cigarettes, I think that's one of the things. | ||
| What is anemic? | ||
| It's low hemoglobin in your blood. | ||
| They did a blood test. | ||
| It's the hemoglobin, globin, glebin? | ||
| Yeah, hemoglobin. | ||
| Hemoglobin. | ||
| Oxygen. | ||
| Yeah, I'm not hugely anemic, but I'm a little bit anemic. | ||
| There's a PubMed study on it, the effects of cigarette smoking on hemoglobin levels and anemia screening. | ||
| It seems to cause a generalized upward shift of the hemoglobin distribution curve, which reduces the utility of the hemoglobin level to detect anemia. | ||
| So your body doesn't detect anemia, so it doesn't compensate as much. | ||
| Also, I'm a super pale guy, and that's when you see super pale people, it's often they're anemic. | ||
| I think I'm anemic. | ||
| Yeah, it's probably fucking cigarettes, man. | ||
| No, but it's not just that. | ||
| I was just born... | ||
| I'm pale from a pale family. | ||
| We're just pale. | ||
| One of the things I hate about being pale is it seems like one of the few things in society about a way a human being looks that people in society can just pass fucking judgment and not act like they're being cunts. | ||
| Yeah, they can make fun of you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If you see someone with a big nose and you go, fuck, you got a big nose, people go, whoa! | ||
| Ease up, will ya? | ||
| But you go, I'll have people who are actors on my fucking show, who I'm employing, who want to be in more fucking episodes, go, fuck your pile, man! | ||
| Fuck you! | ||
| Do you get offended by that for real? | ||
| Or you just find a reason to say fuck you? | ||
| No, I do get offended by it in the sense that it doesn't bother me personally that I'm pale. | ||
| It bothers me when people bring it up. | ||
| I don't mind looking pale. | ||
| I even dislike, I did a photo shoot once for some headshots and the lady fucking put bronzer all over me and that whole photo shoot's ruined because I look too brown and it doesn't suit me. | ||
| You can't let them fuck with you with the makeup. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Tanning? | ||
| Is that you? | ||
| You took a selfie in a tanning booth? | ||
| I did the gayest selfie ever, look. | ||
| It's not the gayest. | ||
| You don't have a cock in your mouth or your ass. | ||
| No, it's in my hand. | ||
| I tried my whole life to sunbake and to tan and to get darker all through high school when it did affect me when I did not like the way I looked. | ||
| I wasn't at ease with the way I looked. | ||
| Oh, I see. | ||
| So there's a residual thing when someone's making fun of you saying you're pale. | ||
| It used to be a thing. | ||
| They used to call me Casper at school and stuff like that. | ||
| You can't do that about black people. | ||
| God damn, you're dark. | ||
| You have to know a guy really well to pull that off. | ||
| I have a theory that the whole world wants to be like a coffee color. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Because all us white people are trying to get darker, and then the really black people now, it's very common for them to bleach their skin. | ||
| They bleach it down a bit. | ||
| They don't want to be super black. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| Yeah, there was a thing. | ||
| I was watching it on some tonight show. | ||
| This lady kept on bleaching her kids because she didn't want them to be super, super black. | ||
| They want to all be Beyonce. | ||
| Brown. | ||
| Beyonce Brown, I think is the term. | ||
| That's the type of paint that you get down at Home Depot. | ||
| I want some Beyonce Brown. | ||
| They want to be Beyonce, sort of that Whitney Houston sort of color, and white people want to be darker. | ||
| We all want to meet in this one sort of middle range. | ||
| Yeah, there's a nutritional supplement that allows people to bleach their skin. | ||
| It's something that's been really popular in the Philippines. | ||
| Um... | ||
| Fuck is the stuff called... | ||
| There's a... | ||
| There's... | ||
| There's an actual, like, nutritional supplement that people take. | ||
| And they inject it, apparently. | ||
| And it's getting popular in the Philippines for some strange reason. | ||
| Well, you even look like the movie stars are always sort of like a more milky black. | ||
| And then when you have, like, a girl who is that girl out of Africa. | ||
| I think she's out of Africa. | ||
| I think she's British or something. | ||
| Out of 12 Years a Slave. | ||
| I didn't see that. | ||
| She got nominated for the Oscar and all that type of stuff. | ||
| Oh, it's great, yeah. | ||
| And she was amazing in it. | ||
| But now they were talking about, like... | ||
| It's liberating or how good it was to see an actual black woman portrayed like, you know, like she had afro-y type of hair, like shaved down. | ||
| She wasn't trying to look like a white chick or something, you know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| The fashion people were going, we really like this now. | ||
| I think we're only maybe... | ||
| See, if I was black, I don't understand women who do the hair. | ||
| If I was black, I would be afro all day. | ||
| I would be like Jackson 5. It's hot. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Whenever you see a chick with that hairdo, it's always like, fucking, look at that foxy chick. | ||
| It's always a big turn on for me. | ||
| I love a chick with an afro. | ||
| It was big in the 70s. | ||
| Girls just down there. | ||
| Foxy Brown had it, right? | ||
| Yeah, when you see the chick who's like, I'm a member of the Black Panthers, and they've got the big fucking afro, you're like, fucking take me down! | ||
| Beat the white man! | ||
| Choke me! | ||
| Glutathione is it. | ||
| I couldn't remember it. | ||
| Glutathione, they take injections of this shit, or they rub it on their skin. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck they're doing. | ||
| Maybe both. | ||
| But glutathione apparently makes your skin lighten. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's how you want it. | ||
| Look at that afro there. | ||
| But the problem is that's on her asshole too. | ||
| Yeah, she'd have a big hairy muff. | ||
| The whole thing between the legs. | ||
| A hairy cunt is the worst thing in the world. | ||
| It didn't used to be. | ||
| It didn't used to be a problem at all. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| Yeah, but there was a girl I fucked in Ireland who was one of the best looking girls I ever fucking laid eyes on and she was at a gig. | ||
| And I was like single and young in my 20s and I made like, I'm going to get that girl, right? | ||
| And I was gigging in Ireland for three days and I romanced this girl from the moment I met her. | ||
| I took her out to lunch the next day and then dinner and then thing and took her to another show, invited her to friends. | ||
| I worked her, right? | ||
| And it's very hard to fuck an Irish chick. | ||
| And this chick was about 19. It's hard to fuck an Irish chick? | ||
| Yeah, they've all gone to Catholic schools. | ||
| They all have this cloud of sex is evil over them. | ||
| They didn't have Playboy until the mid-1990s. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It's a pretty repressed old sexual society, the island. | ||
| Anyway, so I fucking got this girl. | ||
| She's a little bit like, she wasn't up for it, but I convinced her and said, I'm going to come over to London and hang out with me. | ||
| And I was like, this is like my girlfriend now. | ||
| And then, what was this, like 2004? | ||
| And like a fucking, a full length wild bush. | ||
| And I had grown up in this era of not really seeing it. | ||
| I was just... | ||
| I almost couldn't... | ||
| I did fuck it, but I almost couldn't. | ||
| It was so horrific. | ||
| I still have flashbacks of it. | ||
| Right now, as I'm saying it, I can see it. | ||
| It was menacing. | ||
| Here's the total, complete opposite. | ||
| When I was in high school, I was dating this girl. | ||
| Dating, like, you know, we'd date, we'd go on and off, and, you know, didn't, you know... | ||
| In the on and off, she was banging this other guy who told her to shave her pussy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So... | ||
| She came over to my house, and we were about to get in. | ||
| She's like, I can't. | ||
| I can't take my pants off. | ||
| And I go, why? | ||
| She goes, you're going to think I'm a whore. | ||
| And I go, why? | ||
| Why am I going to think you're a whore? | ||
| She goes, because... | ||
| Whatever the guy's name is. | ||
| He talked to me and he shaved my pussy. | ||
| And I'm so embarrassed. | ||
| I'm like, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| Like, what do I care? | ||
| You know? | ||
| You saw it and freaked out? | ||
| Well, I didn't care. | ||
| No, not at all. | ||
| But she was scared that I was going to see her with a shaved pussy. | ||
| The complete opposite. | ||
| It's the only way to go. | ||
| But this is like, you know, 1980, whatever the hell it was. | ||
| I find it weird when there's always women that you know have a hairy bush when they're having a conversation with you and like, why would men want to have sex with like a shaved pussy? | ||
| Like, it must be like having sex with like a child. | ||
| And you're like, that is the weakest argument you could fucking, then why, then you should only kiss men with beards. | ||
| If you kiss a man who shaved his face, what are you, kissing a young boy on the street, you fucking pedophile? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Go out with a fucking Muslim cunt with a beard, where are you happiest? | ||
| Right? | ||
| It's actually, did you know that pedarast is someone who actually has sex with children? | ||
| On a raft. | ||
| Pedophile. | ||
| Pedarast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pedaraft. | |
| That's a good spot for a pedophile. | ||
| Pedophile is someone who's attracted. | ||
| Pedarast is someone who has sex with them. | ||
| But not attracted? | ||
| Yeah, they just do it because it's fun. | ||
| That's a very good analogy, though. | ||
| The beard analogy and the bush analogy. | ||
| Some people just don't want to do anything that is society standard. | ||
| A woman doesn't want to have to agree. | ||
| Why should I shave my pussy? | ||
| Why should I have to? | ||
| Some women are like that. | ||
| What, because it's in porn? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Because that's what it is. | ||
| It's porn as one. | ||
| It might be because it's in porn, but it's also because once a man's used one of those shaven ones, it's a lot more enjoyable than the coarseness of the... | ||
| I remember fucking hairy pussies and having my cock all beaten up afterwards like it's been fucking ripped through a Brillo pad. | ||
| The last one I had. | ||
| Which is way back in the 90s. | ||
| The last girl with a crazy wild bush. | ||
| It's like my dick got all rubbed raw. | ||
| It was horrible. | ||
| It was like fucking a Brillo pad. | ||
| It shouldn't be... | ||
| It shouldn't be a fucking... | ||
| Like... | ||
| Darwin, I'm sure he could explain it, why we have hairy nuts and balls and stuff, but pubic hair should die out. | ||
| They reckon crabs is dying out because of the shaven pussy, that it's on the decline because it can't be passed so easily. | ||
| But, you know, it's on the rise in hipster beards. | ||
| Crabs, that's where they live now. | ||
| They just jump from one Pabst Blue Ribbon can to the next. | ||
| Is this true? | ||
| No. | ||
| That would be cool, though. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| I hate how hipsters now call themselves nerds. | ||
| They do? | ||
| Yeah, well, it's like even like... | ||
| Okay, so I'm doing... | ||
| I'm doing the Nerdist podcast soon. | ||
| I like those guys. | ||
| Chris Hardwick's a nice bloke. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| Not a nerd! | ||
| No, he's a handsome guy with a very good structure. | ||
| Handsome guy with like a model girlfriend. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Being interested in Star Wars does not make you a fucking nerd. | |
| Having hobbies... | ||
| Isn't what a nerd is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With your symmetrical face. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what a nerd is? | ||
| A nerd is a person who can't hold down a conversation and can't look a woman in the eye. | ||
| That's a fucking nerd, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're just... | ||
| Napoleon Dynamite. | ||
| Napoleon Dynamite is a nerd. | ||
| Even the guys off the Big Bang Theory, they're real nerds. | ||
| But there's now this like girls going... | ||
| Girls wearing t-shirts going, I heart nerds. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Really? | ||
| A guy with a fucking club foot and... | ||
| And flaky skin around his face. | ||
| Is this who you heart? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| Guy with food stuck in his braces. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| Perpetually. | ||
| Yeah, who is a little bit autistic and that's why he's good at school but not at everything else. | ||
| Yeah, you like that. | ||
| Yeah, that's what you like. | ||
| How dare you. | ||
| No, you like wearing a fucking backpack that looks like Elmo. | ||
| That's what you enjoy, darling. | ||
| You like Hello Kitty stickers on your iPhone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| You like nerds. | ||
| Yeah, and then you'll see a girl that will be like, I'm a nerd, and she's wearing perfect pigtails and glasses. | ||
| And giant fake tits. | ||
| Yeah, and I'm like, you're a fucking, a fuck machine. | ||
| That's what you are. | ||
| You're a cum depository. | ||
| That's hardly a nerd. | ||
| I remember not wanting to fuck nerds because they were nerds. | ||
| Why all of a sudden has the nerd culture become so fuckable? | ||
| Well, I think people are just always trying to be a part of a fucking group, whether it's be hipsters, be nerds, be whatever. | ||
| I was a loner in school. | ||
| I didn't have many friends, but I wouldn't classify myself as a nerd. | ||
| How come you didn't have friends? | ||
| I had problems making friends, and the main problem I have now, when I look back on it, I wasn't good at sport, a bit of a dick as well. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Yeah, a little bit. | ||
| Get the fuck out of here. | ||
| Probably talked a little bit too much when I should have shut up. | ||
| It may have been irritating, but I think my main problem was... | ||
| Because I found it very easy to make friends after school. | ||
| Once I got out of school, I found it very easy to make friends. | ||
| In university, I made friends very easily. | ||
| My mother was a school teacher at my school. | ||
| Oh, fucking Christ. | ||
| Not just any school teacher, the 300 pound school teacher that yelled at everybody that walked around with a cane. | ||
| Oh, so you got it at school and at home. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Oh my God, school must have been fucking torture. | ||
| School was not a fun time for me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| But I remember when I went to university, like actually enjoying this whole, wow, we're all this fucking, yeah, and like girls liking me and shit. | ||
| I'm like, ah, this is what it's like when your mother isn't within five feet of you all the time. | ||
| Oh yeah, that's a big difference though. | ||
| That's a terrible situation. | ||
| Terrible. | ||
| You got your mother who's telling your older brother to kick your fucking ass and then you get to school and she's the one who yells at everybody and then all your friends know that your mom is the cunty teacher that yells at everybody. | ||
| Yeah, so none of your friends... | ||
| I had a couple of friends at school but they never wanted to come over to the house. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Of course not. | ||
| It was a very hard sell. | ||
| Why don't you come over to my house? | ||
| Nah, let's not. | ||
| Let's just go to the woods. | ||
| Let's go hang out with the wallabies. | ||
| Let's go hang out in the bush. | ||
| Do you have a foot fetish? | ||
| Do I have a foot fetish? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No. | ||
| I just wonder if you had any mom type sexual... | ||
| Mom's not a foot fetish. | ||
| A lot of foot fetish people have mom things. | ||
| Did you research this? | ||
| Yeah, because as a young kid you always see your mom's feet. | ||
| Yeah, but I disliked my mother. | ||
| She's alright now. | ||
| I like my mother more now that I've had a child because she has proven herself to be a good grandmother. | ||
| But she was fucking hard work, man. | ||
| I used to say to her, I said, why did you make me go to the same school that you were teaching at? | ||
| It was the most nearby school. | ||
| And she goes, well, I was there first. | ||
| I'm like, are you competing with your fucking kids? | ||
| Go teach at the school over the road. | ||
| There was an all-girls school just down the street. | ||
| I don't care if you teach at school within half a mile of where I am. | ||
| Well, I was there first. | ||
| Yeah, I was there first, but she just liked to keep an eye on us constantly. | ||
| She's a very dominating childhood. | ||
| Look, look how you turned out. | ||
| You flung the other way. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| That's how it works. | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| I mean, what we were talking about, about you having a hard time shutting up in school and being a bit of a dick, all those things are perfect for being a comedian. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The comedian, a bit of a dick, and talks a little too much, that's the guy who's going to say the funny shit first. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| You know what's weird now is I go back to Sydney and all the guys I went to school with who I, they probably didn't think they were bullying me, but who I felt bullied by for whatever reason, they all come as a group to my shows. | ||
| And they're like, come and meet me backstage, and they say I'm happy. | ||
| I hold no grudge. | ||
| They're good guys, you know what I mean? | ||
| But they weren't my mates at school. | ||
| I don't remember them. | ||
| I think kids bully at school for the same reason. | ||
| Survival. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's a natural instinct, and they get shitty parenting. | ||
| I think that's a lot of where it comes from. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They get bullied at home. | ||
| It becomes a natural part of how you behave. | ||
| You get bullied by your brothers. | ||
| You get bullied by your dad. | ||
| You get bullied by your uncles. | ||
| And then the first opportunity you get to shit on somebody, you do. | ||
| A lot of it is kids that grow up associating other people with competition and abuse. | ||
| They just associate it in a negative way. | ||
| The bit I found hardest about the whole thing was, fuck the guys. | ||
| I just want chicks to like me. | ||
| Well, that's why you got into comedy, right? | ||
| Yeah, well, I got into comedy, but also, I actually did pretty good with girls in high school. | ||
| I look back on it now, photos of me, 16, 17, I was a good-looking kid. | ||
| I didn't think it at the time, but I look back on it like I wasn't bad-looking at that age. | ||
| I did good in high school, but then after high school, I went through a fucking terrible drought that didn't go away until I became a comic. | ||
| Oh no, I did. | ||
| My best years were high school and university. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But I was getting attracted. | ||
| I did never go at my school. | ||
| It was always... | ||
| I had to go see other schools, find out where their parties were happening to get laid. | ||
| Oh, so girls that knew you was a problem. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| If you'd spent more than 10 minutes with me, you weren't fucking with me. | ||
| But if I could meet you at a party where the music was too loud that I couldn't bore you with conversation, there was a good chance I'd have sex with you. | ||
| I didn't get laid at all in college. | ||
| And the reason being is I took a year off after high school and then went to UMass Boston, which was like a commuting high school. | ||
| It was not a high school where you... | ||
| Or not a college, rather. | ||
| Commuting college. | ||
| It wasn't a college where you would go and stay there. | ||
| You would live somewhere else, you know? | ||
| And then you would go and take your classes there. | ||
| So everybody was like working and... | ||
| I was a loser. | ||
| I didn't have anything going on. | ||
| I was a martial arts champion, but I was poor and I was teaching martial arts and I was trying. | ||
| The only reason why I was going to school at all was so that people didn't think I was an idiot. | ||
| I studied musical theatre. | ||
| Did you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So you got to bang actresses. | ||
| It was the best. | ||
| It was... | ||
| They only took 20 kids a year into the course. | ||
| 3,000 people auditioned. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It was like a very prestigious thing. | ||
| It was the same course that Hugh Jackman did. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh. | |
| And there was an acting, I couldn't act good enough, so I could sing a bit, so I got in the musical theatre thing. | ||
| You sing? | ||
| I could, back in the day. | ||
| Do you sing now? | ||
| No. | ||
| Do you think about putting out a soundtrack to legit? | ||
| I'll tell you something about me you might not know. | ||
| There's a little fact about me. | ||
| I sang twice in the Australian Opera, in the chorus. | ||
| Really? | ||
| As an employed opera singer, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Give us a little taste. | ||
| I've had vocal nodules. | ||
| I've had surgery on my voice. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| It's over. | ||
| I'm not making up, though. | ||
| I sang in Charles Guno's Romeo and Juliet and Wagner's The Flying Dutchman as chorus. | ||
| What are vocal nodules? | ||
| Polyps on your vocal cords, basically calluses from smoking, coke, yelling. | ||
| It's mostly from yelling, from them bashing together. | ||
| They get calluses, so you can't actually get your vocal cords close enough together to make high sounds, because there's always a gap in them from these little things. | ||
| So it makes you a man. | ||
| It's like noodles. | ||
| Makes you a fucking man, is what it is. | ||
| Yeah, well, I guess. | ||
| Is that a chorus? | ||
| That's where John Wayne's voice came from. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's like these gristled comedians who have yelled on stage all the time. | ||
| It's because they're just covered. | ||
| You know what else is bad with it? | ||
| Ron White. | ||
| Bobby Slayton is polyped up. | ||
| I'm telling you, that guy's vocal cords are just... | ||
| Just nodule on nodule, I'm telling you. | ||
| He might have had vocal surgery. | ||
| I might be wrong. | ||
| But I've heard of comedians that have had that before. | ||
| I had this before I was a comedian to try to save the singing career. | ||
| So you had surgery on the polyps? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So they shaved down the calluses? | ||
| Yeah, couldn't talk for two months. | ||
| Oh my god, two months. | ||
| Yeah, just riding on a fucking pad. | ||
| And that was when I thought, this job, I'm going to get these back because I party too much. | ||
| And then I thought, I've got no other skills. | ||
| I've got no other skills in the fucking world. | ||
| And I decided, I always wanted to be a comedian, but it was a job that my parents would never let me do. | ||
| They wouldn't let you do? | ||
| They said it wasn't. | ||
| My parents were happy with the musical theater because they saw my mother could brag and act like it was a bit more la-di-da than the whole thing. | ||
| But I decided I was going to be a comedian in that two months where I couldn't talk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And it was like a secret that I had to myself. | ||
| That's fucking awesome. | ||
| And I was checking out where the open mics were and how I was meant to do this. | ||
| I started watching a lot of stand-up videos and that's what I did, living by myself, not talking for a couple of months. | ||
| That's fucking awesome. | ||
| And what was I talking about before? | ||
| Oh, the great thing about the course though, so 10 boys, 10 girls. | ||
| And there was two years above us. | ||
| So there's three years. | ||
| So there was like 90 people in the whole sort of department. | ||
| Half, 80% of the men were gay. | ||
| Right? | ||
| In the course that studied musical theatre. | ||
| So we had eight gay guys and two heterosexuals. | ||
| All the women were fucking hot as fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| We've been dancing since they were a kid and just singing and fucking... | ||
| And we were all like 20. It was the best thing ever. | ||
| He was a reasonable looking fucking heterosexual guy. | ||
| It was fantastic. | ||
| Now, one of the main girls... | ||
| In the course was a girl called Chantelle Barry and Chantelle was the one that we were all like, she's going to be a star. | ||
| She was stunning. | ||
| You can look her up on the net. | ||
| She was fucking stunning. | ||
| She could sing better than everyone else. | ||
| She had everything, this girl, right? | ||
| And then they brought out the first version of Pop Idol or American Idol or whatever. | ||
| It was done in Australia first. | ||
| It was called Making the Band or whatever. | ||
| Really? | ||
| The show was actually originated in New Zealand, but then in Australia. | ||
| They made this girl band called Bardo, where all the people came in and auditioned to be in this girl band. | ||
| And the girl that was at university, she went to this audition for this TV show. | ||
| She got in the band, but they played it over weeks and weeks and weeks. | ||
| They had cameras in the house. | ||
| It was the first reality, big reality show ever where we were watching these people just living in a house and people couldn't fathom whether there's no actors. | ||
| This is real. | ||
| It was like a very... | ||
| There she is there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Anyway, so I used to stand behind her stretching in dance class and just fucking just... | ||
| All I wanted was to have sex with this young lady. | ||
| Never happened, right? | ||
| So anyway, so she gets in this band and she steals... | ||
| The story goes she steals, I don't know, $10 or $20 out of one of the other girls who were in the band's bag. | ||
| And she gets caught because there's fucking cameras everywhere. | ||
| So she's got this big opportunity. | ||
| Everyone else who was in this band has gone on to big things. | ||
| Like Sophie Monk, who's the model out here, dated Ryan Seacrest for a while. | ||
| She was one of the other girls in the band and now does big modeling and is in movies and shit, right? | ||
| So Chantel gets kicked out of the fucking band. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Over. | ||
| Right? | ||
| So she moves over. | ||
| She's bad press in Australia. | ||
| They're all really slagging her off and all that type of stuff. | ||
| She was sort of our friend and she moved over to LA. And I remember looking at her MySpace page like, wow, she's made in LA. She was back up singing for Lionel Richie or something. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Like, everything worked out for her. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Cut to first season of Legit. | ||
| We need a girl in a scene that is just hot girl number two. | ||
| Right? | ||
| She comes into the audition and I went, fuck it up, Chantal Barry. | ||
| She didn't recognize me or remember me at all. | ||
| And I said, oh, where's your accent from? | ||
| And then I started saying the suburb she was from. | ||
| From about this and you have two older sisters? | ||
| Yeah, you look like someone who has two older sisters. | ||
| Because I used to party at her house. | ||
| And I go, you got a butterfly tattoo just above your ass? | ||
| And she goes, yeah. | ||
| And I went, we went to university together. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And then she went, oh, did we? | ||
| And then I went, alright, give her the part. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Because I'm a good guy. | ||
| The part had like one line and then she came on set and I think in that moment, this is how much of an arsehole I must be, she remembered who I was from school. | ||
| When she came on set? | ||
| When she came on set, she was like, because Jim Jeffery, my real last name is Nugent. | ||
| I use my middle name as a stage name. | ||
| Is it because of Ted? | ||
| No, I just, Jim Jeffery sounded better than Jim Nugent, Jim Jeffery, you know what I mean? | ||
| It was just, it was a little tiny thing to alliteration, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And so she, I wasn't going by my original name, so she had no reasons for it. | ||
| And then I sort of reminded her, I said, oh, we used to come over and your mum used to make this type of food and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| I think she was so pissed off that I made it and she didn't, that I had my own TV show. | ||
| That she went up to the producer and went, I've got food poisoning, I need to go home, and just walked off the set. | ||
| What? | ||
| Didn't even do the job. | ||
| Maybe she just got a little squirt. | ||
| Maybe she had to leave. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, wait, wait. | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Didn't take the gig, man. | ||
| So what makes you think that it's because of that? | ||
| I just think it's... | ||
| I just think people get fucking jealous, man. | ||
| We all get jealous. | ||
| I think she just was like, fuck this cunt. | ||
| Because I was the guy at university that you thought wouldn't make it. | ||
| All the other gay guys had abs and all that type of stuff. | ||
| And I was like a bit of a doughy fucking marshmallow looking cunt who could sing a little bit, who couldn't dance at all and was acting. | ||
| It was pretty average. | ||
| They always kicked out like five people a year from the course, like you're not good enough. | ||
| I left after I got the nodules and I was going to get kicked out anyway. | ||
| That was already right on the cards. | ||
| I jumped before I was pushed. | ||
| That competitive thing of show business is one of the weirdest aspects of it. | ||
| Sometimes even in relationships, I had a friend who got something and his girlfriend started crying. | ||
| He got some part in some TV show and his girlfriend started crying because she was like, when is something going to happen for me? | ||
| That was her immediate reaction. | ||
| And I remember thinking, wow. | ||
| Gotta get rid of that bird. | ||
| Here's something that's about to happen to you. | ||
| Homeless! | ||
| Yeah, that's very unattractive. | ||
| That competitive thing. | ||
| Yeah, you can't help it. | ||
| A little bit with comedy, it's very hard to never have it with any other start-up comic. | ||
| There's always going to be one where you go, that guy? | ||
| But I found out now... | ||
| And I think it's easier because I got a bit of success, but I don't give a shit. | ||
| I just worry about me. | ||
| I don't give a fuck if someone's got a movie or something. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I just worry about me. | ||
| And then you know the good guys, you know the bad guys, and that's it. | ||
| But in the early days, I got more jealous at... | ||
| How's that guy in at that club? | ||
| I've been trying to get into that club forever. | ||
| That's just the frustration of not having made it yet, and then once you have, and you've got some success, it goes away, and then you can actually enjoy it. | ||
| But I think there's successful people who still fucking don't want any other cut to have anything. | ||
| Fuck yeah, there are. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of successful people also that only work with terrible comedians so that they shine. | ||
| Have you ever seen a really good guy who brings the fucking worst guys ever on the road to open for them? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Tortures the audience for a half an hour with the worst fucking shit stand-up ever just so they can come in and clean up the show and look like a hero. | ||
| And that's really what it is. | ||
| They don't want anybody to shine. | ||
| That's a very weird... | ||
| Common. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's common. | ||
| The saying I like is chase the dream, not the competition. | ||
| It's a good saying. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because if you're worried about the competition, you'll always feel... | ||
| It's like people who get angry at fucking Aziz Ansari. | ||
| Like, oh, that fucking... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Who gets angry at that guy? | ||
| There's plenty of comics who don't think he deserves... | ||
| What does that mean, though? | ||
| What is deserve? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who deserves anything? | |
| This is my thing. | ||
| Well, whether you like him or not, you're not a little tiny Indian bloke who's a little bit hip-hop. | ||
| So at least the guy's unique. | ||
| He's not stepping on your fucking toes. | ||
| I've never met another cunt like him in the comedy community. | ||
| It's that zero-sum thing that people have. | ||
| This idea that there's a finite amount of gigs. | ||
| There's a finite amount of audience members. | ||
| And if Jim Jeffries becomes big... | ||
| That takes away from me. | ||
| I've had people accuse me of being like a foreigner coming over taking American jobs. | ||
| That's hilarious! | ||
| Who did that? | ||
| I've had a few of them. | ||
| A comic? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Who? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Name names. | |
| Fuck them. | ||
| Name names. | ||
| They're not people you'd know anyway. | ||
| Who cares? | ||
| Name them so we don't ever know them. | ||
| There was a radio station in Tampa that got into me about that. | ||
| Oh my god, that's so stupid. | ||
| Said that I'd come over and fucking America had made me famous and blah blah blah. | ||
| I said, look, I give back to America, man. | ||
| I said, my show employs over a hundred people. | ||
| And I've written it, I've produced it. | ||
| This is a recent thing, this happened? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I said, my TV show employs over a hundred different people in different jobs, right? | ||
| And then he went, well, if you didn't do it, then an American would do it. | ||
| And you're like, it doesn't matter, mate. | ||
| I did it. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| I did it. | ||
| Doesn't matter. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| That idea is not true. | ||
| The idea that if you didn't make that show, someone else would make that show. | ||
| There'd be another show in its place or something. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Who the fuck knows what it would be? | ||
| It might not employ as many people. | ||
| It might not be a drama. | ||
| It might be a reality show that employs very few people and works non-union. | ||
| You know, that attitude is so stupid. | ||
| It's also... | ||
| How... | ||
| Immigrant thing that you get, and I got it in the UK as well, is, well, we're all fucking immigrants. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| The United States is 100% immigrants. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Immigrants or the children of immigrants. | ||
| That's how this was made, unless you're Native American. | ||
| And they say 80% of all businesses in America now are either from immigrants or the sons and daughters, first generation immigrants. | ||
| Even if you're a Native American, that means you came over on the Bering Strait. | ||
| Your great-great-great-great-grandfather walked here from fucking Asia. | ||
| Is that what happened? | ||
| That's very fascinating. | ||
| Native American, I mean, unless you're talking about Native Americans that have their DNA combined, like Mexicans, is a lot of Native Americans that had sex with Spaniards. | ||
| Like way, way, way, way back in the day. | ||
| But when they do the DNA chart of Native Americans, one of the things they found when they were researching, there was a guy who was a Mormon, a hardcore Mormon, and he's a really rich guy, and he wanted to prove that Joseph Smith was correct, and everything that he said in the Bible was true, and that the Native Americans were the lost tribe of Israel. | ||
| So he mapped out the genome of the Native Americans. | ||
| It turns out they're from Siberia. | ||
| So they came down. | ||
| They walked when it was a solid landmass. | ||
| They've got sort of, yeah, Siberia. | ||
| Is that near Mongolia? | ||
| No. | ||
| Well, Siberia is Russia. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| It's in Russia. | ||
| It's sort of near it in the fact that the Mongols actually invaded Russia. | ||
| I'm not good with geography. | ||
| I've traveled the fucking world and I don't know anything. | ||
| Well, it's all in the same... | ||
| I mean, you wouldn't want to walk there, but I mean, it's all in the same landmass. | ||
| It's all snow. | ||
| It's all suck. | ||
| Siberia sucks. | ||
| Shoveling their fucking driveways. | ||
| But they're happy as shit, man. | ||
| We're in their tennis. | ||
| Well, they reckon the happiest place on earth is Denmark or something, and it's like highest tax bracket. | ||
| And you know why? | ||
| It's because the most content people, maybe not the happiest, the most content people on earth are in Denmark, because it gets fucking dark at three, and there's... | ||
| You don't even dream about being a famous movie star or a musician. | ||
| There's no entertainment business that comes out of it. | ||
| You have to keep your dreams at a nice low level in Denmark. | ||
| So you never get crushed by the world. | ||
| You never have a girlfriend going, when's it going to happen for me? | ||
| All you have is people sitting around Denmark going, oh, well, you know, on Saturday we're going to have a drink, aren't we? | ||
| So I'll see Hans. | ||
| That'll be fun. | ||
| That's as much as your dreams get to. | ||
| Saturday, having a beer with your buddy. | ||
| You know, you never get ahead of yourself. | ||
| There's a Werner Herzog documentary on Siberia called Happy People, Life in the Taiga. | ||
| It's about all these people that live up there. | ||
| Virtually no mental illness. | ||
| A lot of fucking really content, happy people. | ||
| All they do is fish and trap and hunt. | ||
| That's all they do. | ||
| That's all they do. | ||
| They trade skins and meat and fish for fucking chainsaw blades. | ||
| Because that's the thing is, you know when you go fishing, there's very few people that can fuck you over in your day. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| You go work in an office, you're getting fucked over by people who are smiling at you. | ||
| Well, you're also dealing with unbelievably unnatural behavior. | ||
| Sitting in a box, the same box, every day, eight hours a day plus, and commuting, and all day you're sitting, and there's no physical movement at all. | ||
| There's nothing explosive going on with your body, no use of your senses, no fight or flight. | ||
| But it's also like the bullying thing that you see. | ||
| You see these people who, when you first walk into CA, were assistants. | ||
| And they sat in that front thing and they'd always have a jar of M&Ms and they'd be like, hey Jim, great to see you. | ||
| Oh, here's some M&Ms. | ||
| Here's some water. | ||
| Like the happiest person in the world. | ||
| I'm getting ahead in the world. | ||
| And then they have that cunt that sat behind them that used to just call them a piece of shit because they got their coffee order wrong. | ||
| And then they'd go home and cry even though they smiled to you because it was part of their job. | ||
| And then the second that they get to move into that back little room and they get a person up there, they're fucking telling that person they're a cunt. | ||
| They can't get coffee to save their life. | ||
| Do you remember that movie? | ||
| And the circle of life never ends. | ||
| The Kevin Spacey movie? | ||
| Ah, which one? | ||
| The Kevin Spacey movie where he's like the worst fucking employee ever or the employer ever. | ||
| He's like an agent. | ||
| And he hires some guy and they wind up kidnapping him. | ||
| What was that movie? | ||
| Kevin Spacey. | ||
| Fucking shit, I can't remember that movie. | ||
| Kevin Spacey. | ||
| Agent movie. | ||
| Yeah, he's a fucking complete nightmare. | ||
| I gotta get going. | ||
| I gotta get to the doctors, guys. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Is that a problem? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's never a problem. | ||
| We've done two and a half hours. | ||
| I just want to tell people what this fucking movie is, goddammit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Horrible Bosses? | |
| That's not the movie. | ||
| That's another movie that he made that was based around the original first movie. | ||
| Find it. | ||
| Find it, Jamie. | ||
| Find it before we wrap this fucking thing up. | ||
| That's your assignment. | ||
| Finding Nemo. | ||
| No, that's not it. | ||
| That's not it. | ||
| Wasn't there a movie called Kangaroo Jack or something? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, there was definitely that. | ||
| There was Kangaroo Jack too. | ||
| My girlfriend at the moment can't leave the house because we live just off... | ||
| What is it, Jamie? | ||
| Say it. | ||
| Swimming with sharks, that's exactly what it is. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking great. | ||
| That's a great movie where you see what kind of a terrible environment that agent environment is. | ||
| It's the worst, man. | ||
| Oh, it's the one where he swears... | ||
| I've seen the speech out of it. | ||
| Tortures this young kid that works for him. | ||
| I used to have a girl that I dated that worked for an agent. | ||
| She'd wake up in the middle of the night freaking out. | ||
| Like that she forgot to do something. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In the middle of the night, oh, oh, oh. | |
| And he was brutal. | ||
| He was just... | ||
| Well, that's like... | ||
| Every occupation must have that, where you wake up in the middle of the night going, I forgot to... | ||
| Ah, shit. | ||
| Yeah, but it's a 24-hour job. | ||
| What about the bloke who puts bolts on engines for GM? Well, obviously there's inspectors that handle that along with it. | ||
| Yeah, but it just takes a couple of people to have a bad day simultaneously. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This girl, though, this gig of being an assistant to an agent was literally all day. | ||
| He would call her up in the middle of the night, I need eggs, I don't have any eggs, go get me some eggs, bring them to my house. | ||
| She would have laundry she'd have to pick up. | ||
| It was all day, every day. | ||
| She made shit money, barely could survive, and it was all day on call. | ||
| If you're watching this live, don't go to Laurel Canyon right now. | ||
| Why's that? | ||
| I live in Mount Olympus. | ||
| My girlfriend has to walk up the fucking hill and park the car down the bottom of the road, which is like a mile up the hill. | ||
| Something's going on? | ||
| There's a cop being shot in Laurel Canyon, and the guy's barricaded himself in his house. | ||
| It was a domestic thing, and there's a standoff happening. | ||
| Oh, I heard about that this morning. | ||
| That's still going on? | ||
| Well, she just texted me, don't drive down this way because she's walking up the hill. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Alright, folks. | ||
| Watch Jim Jeffery's show, Legit. | ||
| It's on FFX, FXX. Two X's. | ||
| We're one X away from a sex parody. | ||
| What happened there? | ||
| Why did it go from FX to FXX? Well, they've got a new channel and they had to move somewhere. | ||
| So us, Sonny, in Philadelphia and the League all moved over. | ||
| Ali G's back. | ||
| Ali G's on after our show. | ||
| That's beautiful. | ||
| How is it? | ||
| I heard the Ali G one is a lot of his old stuff, too, that aired in England. | ||
| It's all the stuff that aired in England that never aired over here. | ||
| That's the whole show? | ||
| With different intros and stuff like that. | ||
| Oh, beautiful. | ||
| It's repackaged to that one, but that's on after me. | ||
| Don't worry about that. | ||
| Don't worry about that. | ||
| Worry about Legit. | ||
| What time is Legit? | ||
| When should they watch it? | ||
| Legit's at 10 unless you have DirecTV, which means it goes forward to 7 because you get them West Coast feed. | ||
| But yeah, it's 10 o'clock East Coast. | ||
| It's 10 o'clock East Coast. | ||
| Do you enjoy working for FXX? Love it, yeah. | ||
| All good? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, it's all good. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| All right, legit, watch it. | ||
| You don't have a podcast anymore. | ||
| Stop doing that. | ||
| No, I do not have a podcast at the present moment. | ||
| I'm on tour at the moment. | ||
| If you're watching, I'm doing this Saturday. | ||
| I will be at Club Nokia in LA, and I'm somewhere in San Francisco this Friday. | ||
| You don't even know? | ||
| I think they're both sold out, but just check anyway. | ||
| Go check, you fucks. | ||
| I tried to go to your website. | ||
| Hilarious fucking stand-up comic. | ||
| Anyway, yeah, I'm on tour there. | ||
| People listen to this in Australia, very popular in Australia. | ||
| I will be touring the entire month of April across Australia, all major cities for the whole month. | ||
| Glorious, glorious, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Jim Jeffries. | ||
| Thanks, brother. | ||
| That was a lot of fun. | ||
| Thanks for having me. | ||
| Thanks to our sponsor. | ||
| Go to squarespace.com and use the code word Joe. | ||
| That's it, right? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Squarespace, yeah. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Squarespace.com, code word Joe. | ||
| Yeah, use the code word Joe. | ||
| Save yourself 10%. | ||
| And thanks also to Onnit.com. | ||
| Use the code word Rogan. | ||
| Save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| We will be back, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| We've got a lot of podcasts this week. |
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