Nov. 11, 2013 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:51:01
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
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| Hello, freak bitches. | ||
| We're making podcast magic again. | ||
| This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by Ting. | ||
| Ting is a longtime sponsor of the podcast and one that we have got universally positive feedback from. | ||
| Everybody that I know that I've turned on to it has saved money using Ting. | ||
| Ting is a cell phone service, a mobile phone service that uses... | ||
| The Sprint backbone. | ||
| They have their own company though. | ||
| So they have their own rules like no contracts, no ETFs or early termination fees. | ||
| They have a new thing they call the ETF relief program. | ||
| If you're paying an ETF, come to Ting. | ||
| And they will give you credit for 25% of your ETF up to $75 per device. | ||
| Simply purchase your device through Ting, port your number, then submit your final bill with the ETF detailed from your previous carrier. | ||
| Is ETF like when you have a contract? | ||
| Yeah, early termination fees. | ||
| It's a sweet cell phone company. | ||
| The way they have it set up, I really enjoy a lot of the aspects of it. | ||
| One of the things that I really enjoy is there's no overage coverages or penalties. | ||
| A lot of times if you have one service and you go higher, use more minutes, you get hit with a penalty. | ||
| They don't do that. | ||
| They just charge you what you would have used or pay for you what you have used. | ||
| If you use too much or if you rather use too little, if you say you had one contract and it was set up for X amount of minutes and you use something lower than that, they'll knock you down to a lower rate and then credit you on your next bill. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| Cancel any time you want. | ||
| Brian has the new Samsung. | ||
| Galaxy S3. There's a naked girl on your phone, dude. | ||
| That's Wonder Woman! | ||
| Wow, Wonder Woman is hot as fuck. | ||
| Too bad Wonder Woman can't be just a big fucking angry fat broad. | ||
| But look how small this one is compared to this now. | ||
| Why can't Wonder Woman be like a really fit CrossFit woman? | ||
| Why does she have to be the sexpot, you know? | ||
| It's rude. | ||
| If I was a woman, I'd be pissed. | ||
| But I'm not. | ||
| Yeah, the iPhone looks very dinky compared to that Galaxy. | ||
| It kind of ruins it. | ||
| After you go back to your iPhone, it really feels like a little kid's phone now. | ||
| I didn't think that was going to happen. | ||
| Quite honestly, I thought I fucked up. | ||
| When I brought that thing, the first weekend I got it, I went to England, and it worked flawlessly over there. | ||
| I was like, well, maybe I'll get back home. | ||
| It's too big. | ||
| Maybe I'll just get the S4. But then as time went on, it became normal. | ||
| As long as it fits in my pocket, I have zero regrets. | ||
| I love that phone. | ||
| I can officially say Apple fucked up. | ||
| They fucked up. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| They better hurry the fuck up with this new big phone that they're supposedly making. | ||
| Well, the online experience is just way better. | ||
| Way better. | ||
| I mean, I was watching Hulu Plus on my phone last night in bed, and it was fine. | ||
| The screen's perfect for bed. | ||
| Yeah, it's beautiful. | ||
| I'm a huge fan. | ||
| I'm a huge fan of all the Galaxy devices, but just Android phones in general. | ||
| I have the HTC One as well. | ||
| I love that phone, too. | ||
| Apple's made mistakes. | ||
| The beautiful thing about Ting, as well, is you don't have to compromise on devices. | ||
| They do have all the latest and greatest Android phones, including the Galaxy S3, or the Galaxy S4, they have that too. | ||
| The Galaxy S3, the Galaxy S4, and the Note 3, which is the one I have. | ||
| They have the HTC One, they have all the niftiest, swiftest, new, beautiful Galaxy phones that all the kids are using. | ||
| Ting, if you go to rogan.ting.com, you can save $25 on your first Ting device when you sign up. | ||
| So visit rogan.ting.com. | ||
| Couldn't recommend them enough. | ||
| Very cool company. | ||
| And all our friends that have used him have all reported that they've saved $25. | ||
| I like what they're doing. | ||
| They're making plenty of money. | ||
| They don't have to rob you. | ||
| They don't have to make you feel like you're getting fucked. | ||
| Look how sexy this one is. | ||
| If you want to go to the S4, Joe, if you ever end up thinking that screen's too big, purple, S4, I'm kidding. | ||
| Yeah, S4 is pretty goddamn big. | ||
| It's still five inches. | ||
| You get so greedy because the Note 3 is just like a little laptop. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| I draw my notes on it. | ||
| I write them, and it comes out just like you're writing on a piece of paper. | ||
| And it's pressure-sensitive, or it's a pressure-sensitive phone because I was using it to draw. | ||
| If you lightly draw, it's just a little light, like a real pencil. | ||
| And then if you push harder, it gets darker. | ||
| It's an amazing note. | ||
| Yeah, I was very impressed with the stylus. | ||
| I hadn't used a stylus on anything in a long time since I had a Palm Pilot and it was a hunk of shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Remember that thing? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I still have mine. | ||
| And my trios. | ||
| Remember the trios? | ||
| Palm Pilot's like the size of a thermos. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Big, fat, stupid thing. | ||
| Remember when we used to try weird things like Dell cell phones and like those creepy like smartphones that... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Who did that? | ||
| Yeah, there was a lot of different goofy cell phone ideas that didn't quite make it. | ||
| There was a bunch of Sony ones that used some... | ||
| Whoa, we had some weird crackling. | ||
| There was a bunch of Sony ones that used some really weird operating system that's not around anymore. | ||
| You remember that operating system? | ||
| Yeah, what was that? | ||
| It was like a business operating system. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| It's not Blackberry, but it was... | ||
| No, it was something totally different. | ||
| Trio? | ||
| No, there was one type of operating system that was getting used by Nokias and a lot of weird cell phone companies. | ||
| And they had their own little apps. | ||
| They all got smushed under the hurricane that was the iPhone. | ||
| Once the iPhone launched, everybody was like, fuck you, get out of the way. | ||
| It was so much better than everything else. | ||
| We both had Android phones before. | ||
| We had the Android 2. It was a hunk of shit. | ||
| Yeah, the first one. | ||
| What was it? | ||
| The first Droid. | ||
| The Verizon Droid or something like that. | ||
| They were awful. | ||
| They were so terrible. | ||
| You'd pick them up and you'd go back to the iPhone. | ||
| The iPhone was like your friend. | ||
| Immediately. | ||
| Oh, my sweetie. | ||
| I got you back. | ||
| It's not like that anymore. | ||
| Now it's actually swung the other way. | ||
| This Galaxy Note 3 and its huge screen. | ||
| I'm sold. | ||
| Did you know you could also, when you're on, they have this thing called Scrapbook. | ||
| Have you seen this? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| When you're on a website, you're like, I've got to remember this website. | ||
| So you take out the stylus, you circle whatever you want the picture to be, and then it saves the whole website and links the original website and just makes a little thumbnail for you. | ||
| So you could just go back and have your own little scrapbook of websites. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And that's what it's called. | ||
| It's called Scrapbook. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's so cool. | ||
| There's so many more options, too. | ||
| When you start fucking around with all the different things you can do, Apple fucked up. | ||
| And the watch. | ||
| I almost bought the watch, but I didn't want to see it. | ||
| The watch is ridiculous. | ||
| It's so heavy and big, and I'm like, it's creepy. | ||
| You have a camera on it. | ||
| Like, what am I supposed to use? | ||
| This is like 4C. Yeah. | ||
| It only lasts a day, too. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You have to charge it every day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that has to be cancer of your wrist, and you don't want to fuck with your best lady. | ||
| Yeah, you don't want to fuck with your wrist. | ||
| Wear it on your left hand. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't you wear it on your left hand? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Left hand. | ||
| It makes it totally feel different. | ||
| Still, you don't want wrist cancer. | ||
| Zombie masturbating. | ||
| That would suck so bad if you found out that gave you wrist cancer. | ||
| We're fighting with our hands. | ||
| Well, if it gives you brain cancer, if you put it up to your head all day, why wouldn't it give you wrist cancer? | ||
| They're trying to destroy our head and hands, so we only have legs to pull big, heavy rocks for the government. | ||
| I just don't get the need for another clock. | ||
| You've got a clock in that big thing in your pocket, dummy. | ||
| Why is it attached to that stupid little thing on your wrist that you're not even going to look at? | ||
| Maybe they want you to keep, because it's so big, keep the note hidden away so you don't have to actually pull it out, this big thing, you know what I mean? | ||
| Maybe, but then I bet it's a clusterfuck trying to get it to answer on your phone or your wrist or talking in your phone, you look like an asshole. | ||
| Here's what Apple has to do. | ||
| Apple has to release an exact version of the note size, like maybe even bigger, maybe crazier, and then have the best watch known to man and release both of them at the exact same time. | ||
| In three to four months, and then they will have destroyed. | ||
| They can't do that now, though, because they've been cock-blocked. | ||
| Samsung put out those two items together. | ||
| Apple could never just copy that. | ||
| Put out their own phone and their own watch. | ||
| Supposedly, that might be why they got rid of the old iPod. | ||
| Remember the square iPod that everyone was making watches? | ||
| They immediately changed it to an uglier, longer one because they were like, shit, we don't want to destroy our own watch market. | ||
| Oh, interesting. | ||
| Well, they're fucking too slow. | ||
| And I had an interview with Dave Foley, this guy, and he uses... | ||
| Oh, maybe he doesn't... | ||
| Not Dave Foley from NewsRadio. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| So I talked to this other guy, and he might use Foxcom. | ||
| And you would think that a product takes weeks to make from sending it. | ||
| It takes only days for thousands and thousands of units to be made. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's how fast Foxcom is. | ||
| Foxcom's a robot. | ||
| That's why those people are jumping off buildings. | ||
| Yes, the deaf people. | ||
| Well, apparently there is a new cell phone company out of the Netherlands that's calling itself the Fairphone. | ||
| I think it's out of the Netherlands. | ||
| It's not available in the United States yet, but it's all ethically sourced minerals and people are paid a certain wage to make the phone. | ||
| It doesn't have 4G though. | ||
| It's got like 3G. It's not quite 4G. Right. | ||
| Yeah, so you take a beating a little bit, but it's Android. | ||
| It's an Android phone, and they're trying to make a phone that you could buy that you don't feel like a piece of shit. | ||
| Like if you watch those Vice documentaries and how they get the minerals in the Congo, and you go, whoa, that's kind of fucked. | ||
| Yeah, that's going to be like having the first droid. | ||
| You're going to have that phone in. | ||
| It's going to be whack. | ||
| It's going to be whack. | ||
| Anyway, rogan.ting.com. | ||
| Hulu Plus. | ||
| We're also sponsored by Hulu Plus, which coincidentally Brian actually watched on his Ting phone. | ||
| Crazy man! | ||
| South Park. | ||
| That's the beautiful thing about Hulu Plus is that you can watch TV shows on your iPad, you can watch them on your phone, you can watch them on various tablets, your home computer as it were. | ||
| Thousands of TV shows and a selection of acclaimed movies on your TV or on the go. | ||
| What's that sound? | ||
| Oh, it's the Hulu commercial. | ||
| Oh, the Hulu commercial. | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| It's so awesome. | ||
| You can also check out exclusive content they have, including Hulu originals like The Awesomes starring SNL's Seth Meyers and Moonboy starring Chris O'Dowd from Bridesmaids. | ||
| But if you're a dude and you know who was in Bridesmaids, how dare you? | ||
| That's what I say to you. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Actually, I heard that was a funny movie. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Was it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hulu Plus also offers a great selection of acclaimed films for only $7.99 a month. | ||
| You can stream as many TV shows and movies as you want. | ||
| It's pretty sweet. | ||
| Go to HuluPlus.com forward slash Rogan and you can try it free for two weeks. | ||
| So that's HuluPlus.com forward slash Rogan. | ||
| This is a special offer to all my friends out there. | ||
| So go get the extended free trial and let them know. | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| I'm looking at these hot Asians they're putting in this commercial. | ||
| You've got a problem. | ||
| Broken person. | ||
| Anyway, Hulu Plus. | ||
| So the website, HuluPlus.com forward slash Rogan. | ||
| We're also brought to you by... | ||
| Bought to you? | ||
| We're also brought to you... | ||
| ByHonor.com? | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. We have the new Zombie Kettlebells that are in stock now. | ||
| If you loved the Primal Bells, you will be in love again with the Zombie Bells. | ||
| Same dude made them, Stephen Chubin Jr., this badass artist who Aubrey hired to make the chimpanzee, the gorilla, the ape, the orangutan, and the monkey, how are they monkey? | ||
| We also now have 72-pound, 54-pound, 36-pound, and 18-pound zombie kettlebells. | ||
| Note the lack of poods in the description, as it should be. | ||
| Sink the fucking 1200s in Russia. | ||
| It just sounded kind of like hipster. | ||
| Well, it's just one of those things. | ||
| The kettlebell community, they love to use the word pood. | ||
| They like to be silly. | ||
| You know how people love to do that? | ||
| I was at a gun store the other day, and I heard people talking, and they all do, oh, I'll lock the AR with the 5'4". | ||
| People love to have very inside dialogue to let you know. | ||
| They're on the cutting edge of this particular... | ||
| Point of interest. | ||
| So when you talk about, you know, what are you doing in your training with? | ||
| Well, I use two-pooed, you know, with my swings, and I'm eating this. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Tell me pounds, goddammit. | ||
| Don't even go metric. | ||
| Don't you dare go metric. | ||
| What a 34 kilogram. | ||
| Oh, you use 34 kilograms. | ||
| What country do you use that in, fuckhead? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| You go straight to Russia with your kilograms? | ||
| You go to China? | ||
| This is America, boy. | ||
| 72 pounds. | ||
| Say it, bitch. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| We also have some new supplements, including 180, which is our response to... | ||
| 180 is basically the best way you can nutritionally try to satisfy a hangover or jet lag. | ||
| I want to put this to the test, Joe. | ||
| Yeah, get fucked up. | ||
| You do anyway. | ||
| Just drink it. | ||
| No, I mean, take it sober and see if it gets me drunk. | ||
| No, it doesn't work that way. | ||
| You gotta hit your head on something. | ||
| It's basically... | ||
| The neurotransmitter support of AlphaBrain with the best adaptogens from Shroom Tech Sport, some 5-HTP in there, minerals, all sorts of wonderful nutrients. | ||
| If you go to Onnit.com, there's plenty of information on the various ingredients and what they hope to achieve. | ||
| Really fun stuff. | ||
| I've been a fan of taking AlphaBrain after long plane flights and after if I've had some alcoholic beverages. | ||
| Either one of those things really can slow down your thinking. | ||
| And I think that nutrients are the things that spark that back up, especially nutrients specifically designed to improve cognitive function. | ||
| All of it is explained on onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. Joe, can I get a discount, an Onnit discount for whoever designs this website? | ||
| Because I want to make my website. | ||
| Look at this shit. | ||
| Like, you scroll down and the shit pours. | ||
|
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Look at this. | |
| It opens up. | ||
| Yeah, they're awesome. | ||
| But he finds great artists, man. | ||
| Aubrey's a smart cat. | ||
| On it, O-N-N-I-T. Use the code ROGAN. Save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| Justin Foster is here. | ||
| He is a young comedian. | ||
| He is from Texas. | ||
| And he's ready to get his free con. | ||
| Hit the music, Brian. | ||
|
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The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Train by day. | ||
|
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Joe Rogan Podcast by night. | |
| All day. | ||
| Justin Foster comes from Texas. | ||
| He's a comedian. | ||
| That should be your new intro. | ||
|
unidentified
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That is. | |
| Thank you very much. | ||
| Yeah, fuck credits, dude. | ||
| Fuck all that Comedy Central nonsense. | ||
| Just hand the MC a card with a song on it. | ||
| Just sing this, bitch. | ||
| Sing it like your children are in trouble. | ||
| A minor, or I'm not doing the time. | ||
| Hit the high notes, too. | ||
| Don't crackle. | ||
| We met Justin when we were doing the Addison Improv a couple years ago, right? | ||
| Three, four years ago. | ||
| Longer than that. | ||
| It's like five or six, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
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Was it really? | |
| Yeah, it's been a while. | ||
| Goddamn time flies, son. | ||
| But he was very funny then. | ||
| Since then, he's gone downhill. | ||
| Yeah, I peaked two years in. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was very fun to see that Texas, especially Dallas and that one club, has like a real community. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We came in, the first time we came in, like we did a show before the show, like Ari and someone else was a part of... | ||
| It was Joey. | ||
| It was Joey, yeah. | ||
| You guys had a showcase night where there was a gang of local comics that went up. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And you went up, and who was the other cat that we were just talking about? | ||
| John Toll. | ||
| John Toll went up, and there was a few other ones, but you had a real community. | ||
| Yeah, Dallas has got a good comedy scene. | ||
| Yeah, it was cool to know, or cool to find out. | ||
| I didn't know before, so it's always nice to see, like, all you need is, like, one club where there's a couple of funny dudes that get together, and then the open mic night kind of kicks ass every week. | ||
| People keep coming back. | ||
| All you have to do, but everybody's so short-sighted. | ||
| They don't do the open mics anymore because open mics don't make any money. | ||
| Right, nobody, yeah, that's a problem, is nobody really comes in for that because the headliner's coming in that weekend. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So, well, it's not even that no one comes in for that. | ||
| The clubs, the local clubs, are missing out on an opportunity to raise local talent. | ||
| It'll save you money, like you don't have to pay for their hotel room, they live nearby. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it also will ensure that you always have a good show, and you could start doing these shows on Tuesdays and Wednesdays where you might be dark, and you could make a lot of money doing that if you just had a real local scene. | ||
| And that was the cool thing about that club, and they're still like that, but they'll be like, if a headliner only wants to do two shows on Saturday, they'll be like, okay, well, we'll do an 11.30 show, but we'll give it to all the local guys. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, nobody really does that anymore. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because if people get off work, like, say if you get off work at 10.30, and you know that there's an 11.30 show, you're like, fuck them, man. | ||
| Let's go to the improv. | ||
| Have a couple drinks. | ||
| It's always a good show. | ||
| The local guys are always good. | ||
| You know, there was this time in Boston where there were no visitors. | ||
| Everything was all handled locally. | ||
| It sounds crazy to people today, but the only people that played, that came in from out of town, were like, Jerry Seinfeld would do a concert. | ||
| George Carlin would do a concert. | ||
| But very few comedians came in and did a week at the club. | ||
| And it was all supported by local talent. | ||
| And because of that, there was this amazing wealth of local talent. | ||
| And a place like Dallas is taking that same concept, that Addison Improv, and they were just running with it. | ||
| Is it still like that now? | ||
| It's gotten better now because there's another club. | ||
| There's two other clubs and there's bar shows and there's underground shows. | ||
| It's a really cool scene now. | ||
| So important. | ||
| Every improv should have an open mic night. | ||
| Someone should just sit them down and say, listen, this is like you're planting a garden. | ||
| It might actually cost you money the first year because you've got to buy all your It might be cheaper for you to go out and buy the food. | ||
| But don't do it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Stick with it. | ||
| Because if you stick with it, you can have a real comedy scene. | ||
| And then you build a fan base. | ||
| And so when you've got a headliner that comes in that's not necessarily going to draw a lot of people, you go, well, I've got two local guys who we've been developing for the last three years. | ||
| They'll help. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they don't need a hotel room and they'll do it for nothing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you'll educate people about comedy in general. | ||
| More people will be aware of good comedy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When a scene develops like that, it's such a cool fucking thing to watch. | ||
| Denver, there's one Wendy in Denver who owns the Comedy Works. | ||
| She did it all on her own. | ||
| Essentially, she created the Denver and cultivated the Denver comedy scene with those Comedy Works clubs. | ||
| She's got two of them there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| to Headliner, and they cultivate these local people, and they've been doing it forever. | ||
| And because of that, there's all these funny people. | ||
| Like, if you go to see a local show on a Monday night or what have you, there's a lot of funny comedians. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Austin's the same way, too. | ||
| Austin, like, if you go into, like, Cap City on a Tuesday night, it's always a really good show, also. | ||
| Yeah, and that's a perfect example, because Austin is, like, a real hang, too. | ||
|
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Right. | |
| Like, comics, like, whenever I'm in town, I always see comics that are also in town, like, hanging out at the bar. | ||
| You know, guys who are working at the Velveeta room will come over, or what have you. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, there's clubs that are, like, hangs, where comics will, like, meet up. | ||
| Yeah, the improv is good like that. | ||
| In Addison, there's a club called Hyenas in Dallas where they have a big bar area. | ||
| So they do the open mic and say they don't make a lot of money off ticket sales, but now you've got 40 comics hanging out the bar until 2 a.m. | ||
| You're going to make money. | ||
| Yeah, no doubt. | ||
| And again, it's one of those things where you can't look at it as a straight, flat business move. | ||
| You have to look at it as a part of owning a business. | ||
| A part of owning a comedy club, a critical part is supporting the community. | ||
| And they fuck up with that. | ||
| These big, giant places, they don't have open mic nights. | ||
| It happens a lot now. | ||
| Much more so than when I was coming up. | ||
| When I was coming up, it seemed like... | ||
| During the 80s, comedy got so big and so crazy that everywhere you looked, there was an open mic night. | ||
| There were so many of them. | ||
| They were everywhere. | ||
| And every club had one. | ||
| Every club. | ||
| Stitches had one. | ||
| Knicks had one. | ||
| All these different clubs in town had one. | ||
| And it would seem like every time you would go local or you'd go to a road gig, The local comics would have an open mic night as well. | ||
| It was like everyone always had one. | ||
| It was a part of having a comedy club. | ||
| You had an open mic night. | ||
| And you would ask guys, like, when's your open mic night? | ||
| Oh, we do Sunday nights. | ||
| Oh, we do Monday. | ||
| You know, it was just a standard thing. | ||
| But then they started creating these big, monstrous fucking clubs that seat, like, stand-up live in Phoenix. | ||
| 600 fucking people. | ||
| San Jose. | ||
| San Jose Improv. | ||
| Palace. | ||
| Yeah, that ancient improv is the most beautiful old theater. | ||
| It's an amazing old theater. | ||
| The San Jose Improv, you ever perform there? | ||
| No, I haven't done that long. | ||
| Fuck, that place is amazing. | ||
| Fuck, it's so... | ||
| I'm there, their 20th. | ||
| Are you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's so gorgeous. | ||
| It's just a beautiful, beautiful old theater. | ||
| It has a feel to it. | ||
| When you're walking backstage, this place has been... | ||
| People have enjoyed things in this place for a long-ass time. | ||
| But it's huge! | ||
| How many does it seat? | ||
| I don't know, 500, 450? | ||
|
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A lot. | |
| Yeah, a lot. | ||
| Yeah, like the old Tempe Improv was like 450, right? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| It was about 450? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Those places, it's hard to do an open mic night when you've got 450 seats. | ||
| When you've got nine people up front and a 450, yeah. | ||
| It's hard to also have a local headliner, you know, because you've got 450 seats to fill. | ||
| You don't really take that chance. | ||
| You go with a, you know, whatever, Rob Schneider, you know, whatever. | ||
| You know, you go with someone who has a name, maybe over someone who's a local guy who would be maybe even funnier. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's people don't know about it. | ||
| They don't know who it is, right. | ||
| But in Boston, they all knew about it. | ||
| Everybody knew about Lenny Clark. | ||
| I remember when I was telling people that I was trying to be a stand-up, they would say, oh, you know, I saw Steve Sweeney last month. | ||
| Everyone knew the local guys. | ||
| But Boston is like that with bands, too. | ||
| Boston supports local bands. | ||
| Anybody that was like Boston that was big always came back to Boston like Aerosmith and it was celebrated. | ||
| Yeah, Boston does have a good music, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, Boston had a great music scene. | ||
| It still does. | ||
| They have a lot of clubs. | ||
| It's just a smart fucking town. | ||
| Too bad it's cold as fuck. | ||
| I would totally live there. | ||
| If they could move Boston to Texas, I'd move there in a goddamn heartbeat. | ||
| You would move back to Boston if just the weather was a little bit better? | ||
| Yeah, I would just live outside of town. | ||
| I wouldn't live in the city. | ||
| The city's too hostile. | ||
| You could hear those voices of those women and stuff. | ||
| I'm already married. | ||
| Just hearing them, you'll be at a Target and you'll hear it. | ||
| It'll keep my pants zipped up. | ||
| What are you, queer? | ||
| Look at these deals. | ||
| There was a girl, we talked about this girl to the end of time. | ||
| When we were in Boston, she was just drunk and just bleh. | ||
| In the audience? | ||
| No, it was after the show. | ||
| We were trying to get something to eat. | ||
| They had one of those street carts that serve sausage sandwiches and stuff like that. | ||
| And we were all waiting around, and this chick was just so hammered. | ||
| She said to me, you think you're all fear factor? | ||
| Ha ha! | ||
| That's what started my hate for Boston women right there. | ||
| What was that movie with Christian Bale where he was like the crackhead and it's like the nine sisters? | ||
| My friend was having sex with a girl from Boston and while he was having sex with her she goes, You're gonna tell your friends. | ||
| That's all he would say. | ||
| That's all we'd be out to dinner. | ||
| And he was just in the middle of dinner. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're gonna tell your friends. | |
| It was just so drunk and exhausted and beaten by life while they were having sex. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You're gonna tell your friends. | |
| The girls that are from Boston that live here in LA know how to hide it very well, but then once in a while they'll just snip out and go, what the hell was that? | ||
| Oh yeah, I knew it. | ||
| They get drunk and angry. | ||
| Start scratching you with their nails. | ||
| This isn't a market, this Boston... | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah, it's the same. | ||
| Yeah, something like that. | ||
| They call this the Boston Market. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
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|
Jesus. | |
| I went to Boston Market. | ||
| They have these Coca-Cola machines. | ||
| Have you seen them where it's like touch screen? | ||
| And you can be like, I'll have Mellow Yellow Zero. | ||
| They make Mellow Yellow Zero? | ||
| What? | ||
| Grape? | ||
| Mellow Yellow Zero flavor? | ||
| It's 500 flavors. | ||
| It's like formulas that Coke doesn't want to spend the money to mass market because it's like, I don't think that many people is going to like it. | ||
| But... | ||
| They have now put it in one machine, so you taste all these flavors that are unreleased. | ||
| Yeah, I've done that at movie theaters. | ||
| Movie theaters have those. | ||
| You can add a bunch of shit in some of the more sophisticated movie theaters. | ||
| But I just go Diet Coke. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Not even Coke Zero? | ||
| I don't want to take any chances. | ||
| I don't know what the fuck anybody's doing with Coke Zero to make it all Coke Zero. | ||
| What's better for you? | ||
| Coke Zero? | ||
| They're both fucking terrible for you, right? | ||
| I should be just drinking water. | ||
| You know how the famous thing is that Mexican Cokes use real sugar? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| They're about to change that, and you do it the American formula way. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| Because there's a couple of Mexican joints in LA that I go to just because they have those bottle Cokes from Mexico that have real sugar in them. | ||
| Real cane sugar. | ||
| We're such cunts. | ||
| We ruin everything. | ||
| They're just not fat enough. | ||
| People aren't fat enough. | ||
| They want to add more corn syrup. | ||
| Mexicans are just coming out a little too lean. | ||
| We need to corn syrup them up. | ||
| They probably made some horrible deal with some corn manufacturer, some giant conglomerate. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Somebody should step up and make a sugar cane sugar soda that's not as bad for you. | ||
| That's probably all just as bad for me anyway. | ||
| I just had a Stevia-based cola that I bought at Trader Joe's. | ||
| What are the... | ||
| Horrible. | ||
| You know what it tastes like? | ||
| Like shitty generic Coke. | ||
| Because, you know, Coke and Pepsi have a flavor. | ||
| That's why they're famous. | ||
| And you get like an RC and you're like... | ||
| Well, this was like generic cola, but then like as if it was sitting out, opened in the refrigerator for three weeks, and then shut back up. | ||
| You know, so you're just drinking like flat. | ||
| It's awful. | ||
| With stevia. | ||
| It's horrible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tab. | ||
| Well, Coca-Cola actually uses cocaine. | ||
| You know, that's not a myth. | ||
|
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|
Is that true? | |
| I thought that was a, is that real? | ||
| It's not a myth at all. | ||
| They use the coca leaves. | ||
| And the actual company that extracts the cocaine from the coca leaves that they use to make coke. | ||
| There's no cocaine in Coca-Cola. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But there used to be. | ||
| But the flavor is still the same. | ||
| Because of the fact that they used this stuff. | ||
| What are you showing me, man? | ||
| This is an old tab commercial that was based on conspiracy theories for tab cola. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Tab is after my own heart. | ||
| Bigfoot. | ||
| Hmm, that's a tab commercial? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Um, anyway. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing screams soda pop like conspiracy theories. | |
| Where was I? Boy, I'm thirsty. | ||
| What was I talking about? | ||
| Cocaine. | ||
| Cocaine. | ||
| Oh, so the largest medical manufacturer of cocaine is actually connected directly to Coca-Cola. | ||
| They take their coca leaves, they extract the cocaine out of it, they use it for medical cocaine, and then Coke uses those coca leaves without the cocaine in it for a flavor. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and they've done it forever. | ||
| That's why Coca-Cola is a very unique flavor. | ||
| If you compare it to Pepsi... | ||
| Pepsi can suck it. | ||
| How about that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I just said. | |
| Boom. | ||
| They're not as good. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| It's not as good. | ||
| Coca-Cola was the original one. | ||
| They have the original cocaine flavor. | ||
| And look, there's something to that flavor that's... | ||
| It's a little bit tangier, a little tastier. | ||
| There's a little something to it. | ||
| Pepsi's like... | ||
| Pepsi's like a girl who didn't need to get a nose job but got one anyway. | ||
| Why'd you do that? | ||
| There should be a commercial for Coke right there, please. | ||
| Somebody from the Coca-Cola company. | ||
| Just a guy going, yo, we used to put Coke in this. | ||
| Not that I wouldn't drink Pepsi in a heartbeat or Diet Pepsi. | ||
| I don't avoid it. | ||
| I just prefer Diet Coke. | ||
| Sanford, Texas, Dr. Pepper. | ||
| Dr. Pepper's much better than both of them. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| How about that? | ||
| How about root beer's the shit? | ||
| Yeah, bottled root beer. | ||
| Fuck yeah, man. | ||
| What is that one kind of root beer that you always get at like the really nice delis? | ||
| It's in like the old school-y fucking like Abbott Brothers bottle. | ||
| Barks? | ||
|
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|
Oh, IBC. Yeah, IBC. Yeah, that stuff's the shit. | |
| They make a diet root beer that doesn't even make you feel like a pussy. | ||
| It feels good. | ||
| The actual one, though, if you can act, you know, I've been gluten-free for a while, but if I really decide to go on a bender, I'm going to go to that Cavaretta's and get a sausage sub with a fucking real root beer. | ||
| You just feel it. | ||
| You feel the whole thing. | ||
| I wonder what they use. | ||
| IBC, what do they use? | ||
| It's IBC, right? | ||
| What do they use in there? | ||
| What's the ingredients? | ||
| Watch it be beer. | ||
| Back in the day, it actually was a beer. | ||
| Things were a lot funner back in the day. | ||
| Coke used to have Coke and root beer used to be beer. | ||
| And heroin used to be legal. | ||
| Molly butter was actually a really good time. | ||
| Molly butter? | ||
| There was no Molly butter. | ||
| I can't believe it's not Molly. | ||
| When did they discover Molly? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Isn't Molly just ecstasy? | ||
| Okay, they have corn syrup and shit. | ||
| IBC root beer, though delicious, has high fructose corn syrup. | ||
| So I think they all do, man. | ||
| I don't think anybody rocks a soda with sugar anymore. | ||
| What about New York Seltzer? | ||
| Whatever happened to those guys? | ||
| That root beer was kind of weird. | ||
| Remember New York Seltzer root beer? | ||
| Yeah, what was that? | ||
| Cherry Coke? | ||
| Doctor something? | ||
| Cherry Coke? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Cherry Cola? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Doctor... | |
| And he would make a root beer, too? | ||
| It wasn't Dr. Scholl's, because that would be gross. | ||
| Yeah, Dr. Scholl's cherry cola. | ||
| God! | ||
| This tastes like feet! | ||
| I just typed Dr. Cherry cola. | ||
| Not Dr. Pepper. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| You know, it was another deli one. | ||
| Like, if you went to a lot of delis... | ||
| You get it, Boston Market. | ||
| Boston. | ||
| That's a terrible... | ||
| Dr. Schneider. | ||
| You guys are both awful. | ||
| You sound like Woody Allen. | ||
| Oh, come here. | ||
| That doesn't sound like Boston at all. | ||
| No, it's not clearly Canadian. | ||
| It's Dr. Something. | ||
| You're just naming shit now. | ||
| Mr. Thunder. | ||
| Dr. Beverage. | ||
| Is it doctor or mister? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Mr. Pibb? | ||
| No, that's... | ||
| No, that's a Dr. Pepper knockoff. | ||
| There's a doctor one. | ||
| Isn't there a doctor one? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What the fuck do I know? | ||
| Oh, he's pulling me Dr. Pepper. | ||
| Dr. Soda. | ||
| Oh, you're making shit up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it. | |
| That's the one. | ||
| Dr. McGilligan. | ||
| You're making shit up now. | ||
| Well, Austin is one of the few places that has places where people will wait in line for hours and hours and hours. | ||
| Austin has that one barbecue place. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| Stubbs? | ||
| No. | ||
| Franklin's or something like that? | ||
| What is the new one? | ||
| There's a new crazy barbecue place in Austin. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Ari Shafir just went there. | ||
| He told me it's worth it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Is it the place that looks like a house, but there's a line going down the street just to wait for it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's probably literally somebody's house. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I fucking love Texas. | ||
| Do you miss Texas living out here in LA? I do. | ||
| I do, yeah. | ||
| Like I said, I fought living here like the first year. | ||
| Franklin Barbecue. | ||
| And now, yeah, now I enjoy it. | ||
| Franklin Barbecue? | ||
| Franklin Barbecue. | ||
| This is the spot. | ||
| If you go there, pack a lunch, get there early. | ||
| It'll take you hours. | ||
| You gotta wait in line. | ||
| And Ari was like, how could this possibly be worth it? | ||
| And then he said, he sat down, he's like, oh my god, it's worth it. | ||
| Really? | ||
| How long did he wait? | ||
| More than an hour. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not too bad. | |
| He was standing outside for an hour like an asshole in the middle of the summer. | ||
| I think he was there for South by Southwest, but Anthony Bourdain waited in line, too, on his TV show. | ||
| He did the whole deal like everybody else, waited in line for an hour and a half. | ||
| He didn't want to. | ||
| He wanted the full experience. | ||
| The experience, yeah. | ||
| That's the experience. | ||
| The experience is not just eating. | ||
| If there's a place that always has a line, the experience is waiting in line. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Like, I was just in Nashville, and they have some place that on Sunday morning, it's some pancake spot. | ||
| You fucking can't get in there. | ||
| There's a giant line that lasts hours. | ||
| People get there early and they wait for hours. | ||
| The black guy with a clipboard. | ||
| To get the pancakes! | ||
| Oh, I thought you said, is there a mist? | ||
| Like, you couldn't see it. | ||
| You're like, I can't get in here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just a giant fog. | |
| Why would you think mist? | ||
| I thought he said mist. | ||
| He said line. | ||
| He said there's a line. | ||
| Wouldn't you think list would go with line? | ||
| You know what this restaurant needs? | ||
| A smoke machine. | ||
| There's something about mist. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I can't get in here. | |
| A magic, maybe. | ||
| Maybe it's magic that you can make these people wait in line for fucking pancakes. | ||
| It's a wizard. | ||
| Check this place out. | ||
| Yeah, that looks so delicious. | ||
| See, that's what I miss about living out here, because they always have these Texas barbecue places out here, and you get there and it's never as good. | ||
| Oh, let me fix you up real quick. | ||
| Hoggly Woggly's in Van Nuys. | ||
| Hoggly Woggly? | ||
| Goddamn, dude. | ||
| It's one of the best barbecue places on the planet Earth, and it's here. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| You've never been to Dr. Hoggly Woggly's? | ||
| No. | ||
| I went there yesterday, son. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| It's in a very shady neighborhood. | ||
| I'd go to Compton to get barbecued today. | ||
| It is legit as all fuck. | ||
| Hoggly Woggly's is the bomb diggity dude. | ||
| You'll eat there. | ||
| The ribs, the brisket, the fucking everything. | ||
| Their french fries are legit. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It's without a doubt the best barbecue in all of Los Angeles. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Fact. | ||
| It's fucking outstanding. | ||
| They have like, the bread is sweet. | ||
| And when you're eating the barbecue, like with the bread, it's like, oh my Christ. | ||
| They have buckets of sauce they leave on the table. | ||
| Hot, mild. | ||
| Oh my God, it's so good. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| That place is super legit. | ||
| And the decor hasn't changed since like 1953. But is there mist? | ||
| Is there mist there? | ||
| There's a lot of mist. | ||
| There's mist in your eyes when you're eating them because you're crying because you can't believe how good it is. | ||
| I drove to Bledsoe's in Compton. | ||
| They had pretty good barbecue. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| But yeah. | ||
| Bledsoe's in Compton. | ||
| Yeah, it's always good to have barbecue when there's bars on the one side of the restaurant. | ||
| Yeah, that sounds... | ||
| You want them knowing where you live? | ||
| Yeah, I think that there's some places that you have to go to for the food. | ||
| Have you done chicken and waffles yet at Roscoe's? | ||
| Oh yeah, I did Roscoe's. | ||
| It's one of those places. | ||
| You have to go there. | ||
| And I did Pink's. | ||
| I stood in line for an hour for a fucking hot dog. | ||
| That's nonsense. | ||
| Yeah, that was stupid. | ||
| Pink's is nonsense. | ||
| Pink's is a trick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| No. | ||
| Dr. Brown's. | ||
| Dr. Brown's. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| Dr. Brown's soda. | ||
| Because they have cream soda and then cherry soda too. | ||
| Pink's is just a regular hot dog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just a hot dog. | |
| There's not even like a super gourmet butcher shop hot dog where they snap when you bite into them. | ||
| They're not even that. | ||
| They're just regular hot dogs. | ||
| It's that sheep mentality though. | ||
| When people see a line, they go, oh, I just gotta do this. | ||
| I drove by the other day. | ||
| There was only like two people in line. | ||
| Never saw that before. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| Two people. | ||
| People are catching on. | ||
| I'm like, nah. | ||
| That's how Entourage did six seasons. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| Or like the shitty club when they make everybody stand outside before they open to think that, oh, this is a cool place and there's nobody inside. | ||
| It's a smart move. | ||
| Make everybody stand outside. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then you let them through and they just run in. | ||
| They go, hey, wait. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like when Six Flags opens. | |
| Go charge it into this empty hall. | ||
| Yeah, there's some spots that are worth traveling to. | ||
| Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles, without a doubt, is one. | ||
| And that's another one. | ||
| If I ever go off the gluten diet, oh boy, am I going to fuck up some chicken and waffles. | ||
| Who would have ever thought that would be an amazing combination, but it's perfect. | ||
| I recommend Dominic's by the Beverly Center. | ||
| Delmonico's Pizza on Fairfax right across the street from another awesome place. | ||
| Cantor's Deli. | ||
| Cantor's Deli. | ||
| Best pastrami in all of Los Angeles. | ||
| Best eye candy, too. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You like those? | ||
| I mean, just looking around who goes there. | ||
| You know, you're there at 3 in the morning and the place is packed with crazies. | ||
| Running to comics there all the time. | ||
| Seth Rogen was there the other day. | ||
| I'm always running to people. | ||
| Last time I was there, I ran into Marin, and I've run into Jeff Ross there. | ||
| I ran into everybody there. | ||
| It's one of those spots where it's between the comedy store and the improv, so it's a straight shot to go down there and get it. | ||
| Animal. | ||
| Have you been to Animal? | ||
| It's right next door to that. | ||
| Somebody was telling me about that place. | ||
| The place is so good. | ||
| You would love it. | ||
| It's one of those, like, I think I want to eat bone marrow. | ||
| I want to eat, like, a pig's butthole. | ||
| You know, like, I want to do whatever you want to eat. | ||
| Like, any part of the animal. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Any part of the animal? | ||
| It's supposed to be really good, though, right? | ||
| Not everyone. | ||
| Every part, but it seems like. | ||
| Unusual things? | ||
| Like, brains and stuff. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It's Animal in Los Angeles? | ||
| Yeah, it's right down the street. | ||
| Somebody was actually just telling me about that the other day, yeah. | ||
| Awesome. | ||
| Yeah, I've heard of that many times, that place. | ||
| I've heard it from you at least twice. | ||
| I think someone should be opening up a game restaurant in Los Angeles. | ||
| Is there not one? | ||
| Not that I know of. | ||
| Yeah, there's a place here in Calabasas. | ||
| That's nowhere near here, but yeah, it's called the something Lodge. | ||
| Saddle Peak Lodge. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Saddle Peak Lodge. | ||
| Yeah, it's like on the way over to Malibu. | ||
| You think people would freak out out here, though? | ||
| If you opened a wild game... | ||
| I could just see people picketing it. | ||
| That's why they hide in the mountains. | ||
| There's a point in saying that it's not good because you don't want factory farming of these wild animals. | ||
| You want it to be... | ||
| But if you could have a small restaurant that didn't serve that many people and it was hard to get in, it would be fucking badass. | ||
| If you knew that... | ||
| Say my friend Steve Rinella. | ||
| He's a hunter. | ||
| He has that show Meat Eater. | ||
| and I went hunting with him and I got this deer right here. | ||
| If he had his own restaurant and it was all just stuff that he shot, you know, he shot like a new animal every week and cooked it in the restaurant and you only ate like what they had shot recently. | ||
| That would be amazing. | ||
| If someone did that, like called it the Hunter's Lodge and have, you know, only have like 10 seats or 20 seats. | ||
| A small place. | ||
| There'd be a line out front. | ||
| Yeah, and you just have it so that these people have some sort of sustained... | ||
| There's a lot of places in Texas where they have what they call a high fence operation, where they're essentially wild animals, but they're blocked in. | ||
| They can't go anywhere. | ||
| And so because of that... | ||
| They're allowed to control the populations and there's more wild game species from Africa in Texas than are in Africa. | ||
| Really? | ||
| A lot of different species of antelopes and all sorts of different animals that are extinct in India but have great numbers in Texas because these guys create these wild game parks and then you take these places and they set up tree stands and some of them are like real blatant like they have feeders And at 6 a.m. | ||
| every morning, food comes out, so the animals just gather up and you blast away. | ||
| I mean, you could do it that way, or you could try to do it more ethically where you try to stalk these animals in their natural habitat. | ||
| For the most part, you're talking about places with a huge amount of acreages. | ||
| Some of them have two, three, and more thousand acres. | ||
| So they're huge. | ||
| So it's conceivable these animals have never even seen a person before. | ||
| They're all fenced in. | ||
| And if you had something like that and cultivated the animals that way, you have like a sniper who works for you, and then he just takes out an animal every day. | ||
| And today we're having bison that was just killed three hours ago by our hunting team. | ||
| I mean, that would be incredible. | ||
| And if people could see how delicious and how good for you that kind of food is, we would really start re-looking at the American diet. | ||
| I've noticed a big difference in, like, I get as much as I can. | ||
| I try to buy grass-fed beef now. | ||
| And whenever I have a steak that's not grass-fed, I notice it in the taste. | ||
| I notice it in what it looks like. | ||
| It looks pale. | ||
| If you have a grass-fed piece of meat, it's a dark red. | ||
| It's a different color. | ||
| And if you buy one that's corn-fed, it's like this poor thing is anemic. | ||
| Yeah, and you also feel different too when you eat. | ||
| If you eat organic chicken and then you go back to eating processed, you can definitely tell the difference in just how you feel afterwards. | ||
| See, I've never been able to tell the difference in chicken. | ||
| I can. | ||
| Organic chicken and then you go back to processed always. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Well, maybe you're more sensitive to that than I am. | ||
| Maybe, yeah. | ||
| But I think there's been a lot of research that's been done on what's healthy for you, what kind of lean protein, what kind of diet the animal should be on in order to optimize the nutrition value of the food. | ||
| The best is wild. | ||
| That's the best. | ||
| They're the leanest animals. | ||
| Their fat is the most valuable, like bears, like bear fat. | ||
| They've rendered that down and make these big jars of it and cook with it. | ||
| It's amazing stuff, especially if the bears have been eating like blueberries. | ||
| It actually has almost a blueberry tint to it. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| It's like very highly valued bear fat when they eat blueberries. | ||
| If you can catch a bear that's been dieting off nothing but blueberries for months, oh my god, it's the most amazing meat ever. | ||
| The meat's delicious, the fat is delicious, and it's just so much more ethical than stuffing them into these farms where they're all blocked in and they can't even move and they fill them full of fucking fatty foods and then piss them through the brain, drain them out, and they never have a life. | ||
| These animals live like a wild animal. | ||
| They're running around out there eating grass, eating the natural plants that they would eat, and then you shoot them. | ||
| It's totally a better move. | ||
| I support it. | ||
| I'm down, Justin. | ||
| I just get so hungry for a reason. | ||
| Have you ate brains, Joe? | ||
| Yeah, I've had brains. | ||
| What's that like? | ||
| It's kind of like a scrambled eggs type feel. | ||
| What brains was it? | ||
| I've had lamb's brains. | ||
| My uncle used to cook lamb's brains on the grill. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was in the 1970s, I guess. | ||
| I was a really small boy, but I remember I was always into horror movies and weird shit, and so he, you know... | ||
| Wanted to freak me out and show me the lamb skull and that we're going to cook the lamb's brain. | ||
| My uncle's very cool. | ||
| And I remember they spiced it a certain way and would cook this lamb's brain in the skull. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it was really odd. | ||
| I'd never had it since then for a long time. | ||
| And then I had it a long time ago at a restaurant. | ||
| There was a restaurant that had served lamb's brains and I remember I had that. | ||
| And I've also had sweetbreads, which is some gland. | ||
| It's a gland of... | ||
| I think it's a cow. | ||
| Are you sure your uncle's not a witch? | ||
| He's just fucking with him. | ||
| This is sweet bread. | ||
| Try this. | ||
| He's casting spells on you. | ||
| My family's straight from the boat. | ||
| Everyone was straight from the boat. | ||
| My grandmother and my grandfather on both sides. | ||
| My grandfather on my father's side came straight from Ireland. | ||
| My grandmother came from Italy. | ||
| Both my grandparents on my mom's side came from Italy. | ||
| These motherfuckers ate everything. | ||
| They killed their own rabbits. | ||
| You know, they ate everything. | ||
| So sweetbreads is a parotid gland, including the parotid gland, the sublingual glands. | ||
| It's a bunch of different glands. | ||
| How do they prepare it? | ||
| I think they fry it. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| I think they pan fry it. | ||
| I think frying makes everything okay. | ||
| Here's one that says... | ||
| One common preparation of sweetbreads includes soaking in salt water and then poaching in milk, after which the outer membrane is removed. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Once dried and chilled, they are often breaded and fried. | ||
| Okay, so there's a lot going on with these things. | ||
| See, that's when people needed food so bad. | ||
| They tried to figure out how to eat everything. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| They boiled down tendons and shit. | ||
| That's why they figured out stews. | ||
| Stews were for parts of an animal that you couldn't eat. | ||
| Like you couldn't choke it down. | ||
| So you'd have to break it down with a braise. | ||
| You would braise them and then boil them slowly for hours and hours until the meat finally gave up and collapsed. | ||
| If you're a caveman, didn't know anything about eating animals, eating meat and stuff like that, and you were just put onto this earth and you had to go, all right, I need to eat. | ||
| What would I start with first? | ||
| Would you go right to animal? | ||
| Because I think I would just grab a lot of Grass and trees and stuff like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I thought you were going to say people for a second. | |
| The problem is you need fat, especially if you don't have clothes and you're freezing your ass off. | ||
| You're going to need a lot of fat. | ||
| You're going to need fat, period. | ||
| Fat is energy, especially if you don't have carbohydrates. | ||
| You're not really going to get the kind of carbohydrates that we get today with pastas and breads and standard wheat-based carbohydrates. | ||
| The amount of calories that you would actually need from vegetables It's pretty substantial. | ||
| You'd have to eat, like, pounds, right? | ||
| Yeah, if you were just eating grass, you would have to eat a lot. | ||
| I would live in a forest or something. | ||
| I think I would start off with that, is what I'm saying. | ||
| I'd be eating, like, mud. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think? | |
| I think back then you'd have, like, two days, you'd be like, no, fuck this, I'm gonna kill something. | ||
| Yeah, you would starve to death, dude. | ||
| You really would. | ||
| But that's what I mean. | ||
| I mean, if you tried to go vegetables only. | ||
| Unless you have a garden, man, fucking, unless you live in a really unique place where they have a lot of naturally growing things you can eat, you gotta cultivate your own shit. | ||
| It's hard to find. | ||
| I mean, there are edible roots. | ||
| There's a lot of different things that are almost like wild potatoes. | ||
| You can eat their roots, and they're very nutritious. | ||
| There's a bunch of plants you can eat, but getting enough of them and then also being aware of what you can and can't eat. | ||
| There's some shit that looks like shit you can eat. | ||
| It'll kill you instantly. | ||
| Especially mushrooms. | ||
| When you start fucking around with mushrooms and picking mushrooms, there was a sad story recently. | ||
| This old lady in a nursing home went out and picked some mushrooms and cooked them up for everybody that she lived with, and they all fucking died. | ||
| Ugh. | ||
| Like, I saw some mushrooms in my front yard today, like those big white ones that almost look like cauliflower. | ||
| The answer is no. | ||
| Don't eat them. | ||
| Lick them first, and then take a bite, and then take two bites. | ||
| Whatever you're about to say, the answer is no. | ||
| Yeah, I just always... | ||
| Those kind of mushrooms, I always wondered... | ||
| If those were poisons, because you see those everywhere. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine they probably are. | ||
| I mean, some of them are edible. | ||
| There's places like the Pacific Northwest where people go mushroom hunting, and they're confident enough, like, there's some mushrooms that are so easy to poke out, or point out, rather, that you can go, okay, this one we can eat. | ||
| It doesn't look like anything you can't eat, and there's a few that are like that. | ||
| People grow them, too. | ||
| They love to grow, like, shiitakes and shit. | ||
| I did it once. | ||
| There's, like, a kit you buy at the supermarket, and you basically just, like, put some water on it or something like that and leave it somewhere, and they start growing. | ||
| I mean, they want to grow. | ||
| It's pretty easy to make a mushroom grow. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They grow quick as fuck, too. | ||
| I think it needs shit, though. | ||
| Like, a lot of feces and... | ||
| That helps. | ||
| It's not just shit, though. | ||
| It has to be shit from a cow. | ||
| And it has to be the way a double-stomached animal eats. | ||
| Their shit comes out nice and loose, and it's got a lot of air in it. | ||
| Like an alcoholic's shit. | ||
| You can't... | ||
| You can't have alcohol. | ||
| They wouldn't grow well in alcohol. | ||
| And just a human diet is no good. | ||
| It's not going to grow in meat. | ||
| It wants to grow in plants that have been smashed up and passed through the stomach of, I think it's called a double onulate animal or onulate animal. | ||
| These wild cows. | ||
| And that's the whole idea with the psilocybin mushrooms. | ||
| They always grow on cow shit. | ||
| These big, fucking huge, plate-sized mushrooms will grow in the Amazon on cow shit, and they look like UFOs landing in a field. | ||
| That's one of the reasons why the idea came to a lot of people's heads that really tripped hard, was that they were communicating with another life form that came here in an asteroid. | ||
| I can tell you what makes sense at the time. | ||
| It doesn't just make sense at the time, unfortunately. | ||
| It makes sense, like, chemically. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because spores can survive in a vacuum. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| And apparently the chemical composition of psilocybin is very unique. | ||
| There's nothing quite like it. | ||
| It's like 4-fox-4-aloxy-NN-dimethyltryptamine. | ||
| I know I said that wrong. | ||
| But whatever it is, I was listening to a lecture once by Terrence McKenna, and he was saying that there's no other plant like that that has the phosphorus in the 4 position, and then it It's really possible that it could have come on an asteroid from another planet. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's spores survive in a vacuum. | ||
| Apparently you could take some mushroom spores, like it doesn't have to be psychedelic, like shiitake, whatever, put them on a fucking asteroid, shoot it into space, and they'll live. | ||
| They'll land somewhere, boom, and make a little mushroom farm. | ||
| Did you see that asteroid or whatever the fuck it was over L.A. the other day? | ||
| Yeah, what was that supposed to be? | ||
| Did they say it was a satellite coming in? | ||
| Didn't they say it was a satellite burning up? | ||
| No, I don't think so. | ||
| Last I heard it was a... | ||
| They said it was an asteroid, yeah. | ||
| It was an asteroid? | ||
| That's what they said. | ||
| All these people were coming in, like comics and stuff, like... | ||
| Man, we just saw something crazy. | ||
| It was like a fireball coming right over us. | ||
| And I'm like, oh no, have you checked Twitter yet? | ||
| And he's like, no. | ||
| You mean I wasn't the only one that saw it? | ||
| And then on Twitter, it just blew up. | ||
| See, that's so weird. | ||
| Just moving to LA a year, I see shit, and I don't even know what's real anymore. | ||
| I saw an explosion the other day, and I'm like, I don't know if I should call anybody or if they're just filming a movie. | ||
| And so, like, you see shit falling from the sky, you go, I don't fucking know what that is. | ||
| This animal place doesn't even have a sign. | ||
| They have no sign in front of the restaurant. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Try to be slick. | ||
| You just have to walk. | ||
| Dirty bitch. | ||
| This is what they have. | ||
| Chicken liver toast. | ||
| Spicy beef tendon chip. | ||
| Yeah, they got weird shit. | ||
| Pigtails. | ||
| Pig ears. | ||
| Heirloom tomatoes. | ||
| Veal brains. | ||
| Dude, this place makes me hungry. | ||
| Crispy pig head? | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| Veal tongue? | ||
| Charred octopus? | ||
| This place might be the greatest place in the history of the world. | ||
| Dude, I'm telling you man, it's my favorite restaurant. | ||
| Fried rabbit legs? | ||
| Oh my god, this is incredible. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| And they're really nice people over there, too. | ||
| That Saddle Peak Lodge, if you've never been there, that place is the shit. | ||
| They serve elk and venison and duck, and they serve game food. | ||
| But I think that would be the ultimate restaurant. | ||
| That would be the ultimate community where you lived with a bunch of people. | ||
| See, I watch these Alaska shows. | ||
| I love Life Below Zero. | ||
| You ever seen that one? | ||
| Mm-mm. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's a new show I'm watching. | ||
| I think it's on the History Channel. | ||
| Or no, Nat Geo. | ||
| And they go out and most of these people are just living off the land. | ||
| They're just out shooting seals and shooting caribou. | ||
| And they barter. | ||
| They give each other stuff like they were trading frozen fish for fucking seal oil. | ||
| And they dip their food in seal oil. | ||
| It's craziness. | ||
| But what's fascinating is no one ever goes to the supermarket. | ||
| All their food, they either grow or they kill. | ||
| Everything. | ||
| Everybody in the whole village. | ||
| And they all share. | ||
| They have meals together. | ||
| They barter. | ||
| They give each other, like, I'll give you some caribou. | ||
| You give me some of this. | ||
| I need a band for my snowmobile. | ||
| One of the guys blew one of his belts. | ||
| The other guy gave him a snowmobile belt. | ||
| He gave him, like, a side of caribou. | ||
| It's a lot of work. | ||
| This is amazing. | ||
| I'm too lazy. | ||
| I didn't even go grocery shopping. | ||
| It's a lot of work, but... | ||
| I literally made a sandwich the last piece of the toast the other day. | ||
| The last piece of bread. | ||
| I couldn't go kill caribou. | ||
| You could, though. | ||
| If you needed food, you could do it. | ||
| I had cereal with water. | ||
| Just the powdered crumbs from the end of the box? | ||
| It works with certain cereals. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| Calchocula. | ||
| I can't even go get more Lucky Charms. | ||
| I'm going to go shoot a salmon. | ||
| Yeah, something like Count Chocchio that has a coating on the outside of it, you'd see how the water would work. | ||
| You ever have raw milk? | ||
| No, I've used milk that was really questionable, though, because I didn't want to go get more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's not the same. | |
| That's not the same. | ||
| This is probably bad, but you know what? | ||
| The grocery store is about a block away. | ||
| That's where yogurt comes from, though, right? | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| I just found that out, and I eat so much yogurt. | ||
| You just found that out. | ||
| Were you 12? | ||
| I'm not a smart man. | ||
| I just found out yogurt doesn't come from a yogurt tree. | ||
| Wait, cheese is mold? | ||
| Hold on a minute! | ||
| What is this butter exactly? | ||
| It's made out of milk? | ||
| Oh, come on! | ||
| Milk's not hard! | ||
| Dude, you grew up in Texas, didn't you? | ||
| Yeah, well, we didn't eat yogurt there. | ||
| Didn't you eat wild pigs? | ||
| No yogurt. | ||
| You're eating yogurt? | ||
| Eat some wild bacon. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Put some bacon in that yogurt. | ||
| This is some boar dick on toast. | ||
| Come on, boy. | ||
| I was watching a special episode of Meat Eater the other day where he was cooking up deer balls. | ||
| Talking about how people always throw them away and you really shouldn't. | ||
| It's a waste of the deer balls. | ||
| He's pan frying these deer balls and slicing them up. | ||
| Apparently they're quite delicious. | ||
| Would you do it? | ||
| Would you try it? | ||
| Fuck yeah, I'd eat it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yeah. | |
| Dude, I hosted Fear Factor for six years. | ||
| You can't freak me out when it comes to food. | ||
| I have a very different sense of what's gross. | ||
| This girl puked in front of me. | ||
| She's like, I need a trash can. | ||
| I need a trash can. | ||
| So I ran and grabbed her a trash can. | ||
| We had both been drinking a lot of Patron. | ||
| And I gave it to her. | ||
| She pukes. | ||
| And we had Mexican before. | ||
| And it smelled like Mexican and vomit. | ||
| She's like, get it away from me. | ||
| It smells. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| I started puking. | ||
| And she's like, I need it back. | ||
| And it was just like South Park. | ||
| And it's not about where the story begins. | ||
| So this girl threw up in front of me the other day. | ||
| That's how Brian's living. | ||
| By the way, he's 40. Yeah, there's something about puke that makes you want to puke too. | ||
| That instinct has totally been removed from me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Because of the show? | ||
| Yeah, I saw so many people throw up. | ||
| It doesn't do anything to me. | ||
| It doesn't make me flinch. | ||
| When I was a kid, I was the first guy, if someone threw up in the hallway, I was the first guy to start dry heaving. | ||
| I threw up, the first season of Fear Factor, I threw up watching it on TV. I watched something that I was there for in real life and I didn't throw up, but watching it on TV, I threw up. | ||
| But then, by the time season three rolled around, dude, I was an OG. Yeah. | ||
| I was a veteran. | ||
| Yeah, I've cleaned people's puke up for them. | ||
| I think the last time I threw up was Patron. | ||
| That'll get you. | ||
| That stuff will get you. | ||
| Patron's evil. | ||
| Well, your body realizes you've taken in way too much poison too quickly. | ||
| You're not sipping. | ||
| You're just slamming it down, and it's strong as fuck. | ||
| Next thing you know, your eye vision's not good. | ||
| And your mouth gets dry, and... | ||
| Can't stay stable. | ||
| Start sweating. | ||
| Wobbling from side to side. | ||
| What are you two fucks over there doing? | ||
| He keeps on trying to get me in trouble. | ||
| What are you doing, Jamie? | ||
| What? | ||
| It's the two girls. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| I had to turn away from that three times. | ||
| I almost threw up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We don't have to watch this. | ||
| I almost threw up watching you watch that. | ||
| Yeah, it was rough. | ||
| People are like, did you guys stage that? | ||
| Absolutely not. | ||
| Both of them were real. | ||
| That was real, and then Brian watching dudes cut their dicks off. | ||
| That's so much worse. | ||
| I would agree. | ||
| I would agree with that. | ||
| Correct. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, getting your dick cut off is always a bad move. | ||
| You notice that there hasn't been a shocking video in a while. | ||
| Oh, yes there is. | ||
| What? | ||
| You just don't look. | ||
| I mean, minus beheadings, because I don't know if you've heard the whole Facebook beheading drama that's been going on, but that was fucked up. | ||
| Like a girl getting her head chopped off because she cheated on her husband. | ||
| Yeah, I saw that. | ||
| You watch that? | ||
| Yeah, the Mexican drug cartel videos are intense, man. | ||
| Where do you find these? | ||
| They don't put them on Facebook. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| People will throw a link up. | ||
| It's one of those things where people just start talking about it and you get it. | ||
| My Twitter has 1.17 million people or some shit like that. | ||
| So when you have that many, they know what I like. | ||
| They know I like watching fucked up things. | ||
| I don't like the violence and death stuff, but every now and then I like watching someone do something retarded. | ||
| So will you walk me through what happens in that video? | ||
| Because obviously I'm not watching that video. | ||
| You don't want to watch it. | ||
| It's rough. | ||
| Was it noises? | ||
| Was there gurgling? | ||
| Was there screams? | ||
| It's shockingly quiet, but it's intense. | ||
| And it's 100% real? | ||
| Oh yeah, there's no doubt about it. | ||
| They cut this woman's head clean off. | ||
| Oh shit. | ||
| Yeah, and he did it with a small knife. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| He just reached into her neck and started cutting. | ||
| Grabbed her by her head. | ||
| I mean, it was hardcore, man. | ||
| And it didn't take long. | ||
| Her head was removed in a minute or so. | ||
| I'm not... | ||
| Yeah, it's hard to watch, man. | ||
| And there's a lot of these videos, too. | ||
| There's not just one of these videos. | ||
| These drug cartel videos, man, they never even existed before. | ||
| It's so crazy, like, the climate of Mexico and how much it's changed, and that you could see it all documented on some of these videos. | ||
| And it's moving up here to L.A., man. | ||
| Did you see that it is? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Just so much crazy shit going on and out. | ||
| L.A., our friend Kayla, you know Kayla from Dysentery? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Somebody hit her car yesterday or two days ago and then took off. | ||
| And so she went on this high-speed chase throughout Hollywood going wrong ways in the streets, going like, you know, just chasing this person down to take a photo of it and then like... | ||
| It was just gang members pretty much in a new car, you know, and they finally got them over and they got out of the car and took a picture of the person and the license plate and Maybe some drama happened and then drove off again. | ||
| And then they went down this dark street in a warehouse in a really shady neighborhood. | ||
| And Kayla's like, I'm done. | ||
| I'm not going down there. | ||
| But it was just like, what could have happened to her? | ||
| She went down that... | ||
| Well, you're not supposed to chase people anyway. | ||
| If your car is good enough to drive, that means you didn't get hit hard enough so you could be chasing somebody. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| What are you trying to do? | ||
| Are you trying to get yourself killed? | ||
| She wanted to get the license plate. | ||
| Call the police. | ||
| Call the police immediately and tell them what direction and where they're at. | ||
| You'd be amazed at how many cops are out there. | ||
| And a lot of times, they can head someone off, especially if someone's driving fast. | ||
| They were on the phone with the police the whole time. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Did they catch them? | ||
| They got the license plate, but that's it. | ||
| There was one point, though, I guess they were going fast, and this guy was going like 80 miles an hour, went over one of those little hill things, and the guy flew up in there like four feet and came down, and all those sparks and fire came out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, dude thought he was on the Duke's Hazard. | ||
| You know, I got robbed. | ||
| My friend Justin Martindale got robbed. | ||
| You know, this place is crazy. | ||
| Well, if you're out at night, man, that's the reality. | ||
| If you're out at night and you're wandering around, especially if you've been drinking, you know, people look at you like you're a victim. | ||
| When you have poor people and rich people all mingling together, and Los Angeles has a massive amount of people that are impoverished, a massive amount. | ||
| There's 20 million people here. | ||
| Who knows how many of them are living below the poverty line? | ||
| It's a lot. | ||
| And if you're flossing in Hollywood and everyone knows where they can find you, you know, if you're some fucking baller character who's flashing some cash around at the sky bar and people could find you and clock you and watch you and follow you to your car, they're going to rob you. | ||
| There's a lot of that going on. | ||
| It might happen only every now and again. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It doesn't happen more than it does. | ||
| It's scary. | ||
| It is scary. | ||
| Well, it's scary and it's an issue that our society doesn't face. | ||
| Our society doesn't face the fact that there's people that grow up with no shot. | ||
| They're fucked from the jump. | ||
| Shitty roll of the dice. | ||
| Terrible hand. | ||
| Being born in incredibly impoverished neighborhoods and there's very little support. | ||
| They're just left in their parents' hands and their parents are morons. | ||
| I mean, that's the reality of babies growing up in poor neighborhoods. | ||
| I didn't even think of it like that, because L.A. is rich and poor on top of each other. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, not only that, but disconnected from each other. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Which is different than New York. | ||
| In New York, poor people and rich people all sort of mingle together on the subway, mingle together walking down the street. | ||
| There's like a more human approach to... | ||
| It's more diversified. | ||
| You run into everybody in New York. | ||
| I find that it's easier to be in your own little world in LA. You get in your own little car, you stay in your own little neighborhood. | ||
| You don't interact with people. | ||
| In New York, you're forced to. | ||
| It's just a part of life in New York, and I think that's a healthier thing. | ||
| I think it's healthier. | ||
| People have less fear of each other. | ||
| People understand that we have much more in common that way. | ||
| It seems like it would be a contradiction because most people think that Los Angeles or California in general is nicer than New York, but I think a lot of that is just the weather. | ||
| The weather here is as nice as is humanly possible. | ||
| Dude, I was just in Edmonton. | ||
| It was fucking 9 degrees. | ||
| It was snowing. | ||
| It was an amazing show. | ||
| Had a great time. | ||
| Came back to LA, 84. Bitch, suck upon it. | ||
| At the end of November. | ||
| Convertible. | ||
| Driving it. | ||
| Dudes are driving convertibles with their sunglasses on, getting head cancer, smiling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Head cancer. | |
| Oh yeah. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| This is an amazing spot. | ||
| And I think just that alone is responsible for a lot of the mood of the people in Los Angeles. | ||
| I think that alone helps a lot. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard to be depressed when you go outside and the weather's absolutely perfect. | ||
| Yeah, but then you get a call from an agent saying they passed again. | ||
| Right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And you're like, fuck, my career's in the toilet. | |
| It's a lot of depression in L.A. because of just ridiculous expectations. | ||
| Right, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| If the weather was worse here with the desperation in this town, it would be a lot more. | ||
| I know a girl that moved out here just recently. | ||
| And when I first met her, everything was going great. | ||
| Lost her job. | ||
| Now she's homeless and cold on the streets in Hollywood. | ||
| How long has she been down here? | ||
| What did she do wrong? | ||
| She just lost her job. | ||
| And then she couldn't get another job. | ||
| And then, you know, once you're out of money, you're out of money. | ||
| And she doesn't have any friends, so she just found herself on the street? | ||
| Yeah, she just moved out here. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, it's pretty sad. | ||
| Would she move down here with $2? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But it kicked her ass fast. | ||
| And, you know, you get these texts and you're just like, oh, Jesus. | ||
| Well, I'm sorry to hear that. | ||
| That sounds terrible. | ||
| And there are certainly individual stories where horrible shit happens to horrible people. | ||
| There's no doubt about that. | ||
| But it's also, there's a lot of people that come down here and their ideas are really shitty. | ||
| Their plan is poor. | ||
| They don't have backups. | ||
| They're not willing to do certain things. | ||
| They don't take the necessary steps in order to make sure that they're going to be okay. | ||
| I know this dude who came out here to try to be an actor. | ||
| He's been out here. | ||
| He thought he was just immediately, apparently he's talented, and he thought he was just immediately going to just start getting roles and basically be a working actor within like a year. | ||
| It's a year and a half in, he hasn't gotten a single job, and he's starting to freak, you know, and he doesn't want to work. | ||
| He wants to somehow or another like feed himself as an actor, and that's not going to happen. | ||
| Like, you might get a movie and you'd be fine. | ||
| But he keeps banking on this idea that he's going to eventually get a movie and then all his bills are going to be paid. | ||
| Like, wow, do you know how many of you there are out there? | ||
| Like, zero job? | ||
| He has no job? | ||
| No job. | ||
| See, that's why I'm so glad I've been classically trained as a waiter. | ||
| And that's one of the best skills that you can have. | ||
| Any city, I can get a fucking job at Denny's if it came down to it. | ||
| I have a job skill that... | ||
| I know, like being a blacksmith or something. | ||
| And people that haven't been waiters before, I don't know if they're scared to be a waiter, but it really is the best fallback job you could possibly have. | ||
| And there's so many fucking restaurants that you can get a good job and make a living. | ||
| You could actually, you know, do really well as a good waiter. | ||
| Is it easy to get a waiter job though? | ||
| It is. | ||
| It's just the quality of the restaurant. | ||
| You know, like, yeah, you could get a fucking job at Denny's and come in there anytime you want to, probably. | ||
| Yeah, that's because I bartended for years. | ||
| So I know that no matter how bad it gets, I can always bartend somewhere. | ||
| Right. | ||
| In some towns. | ||
| I always have, like, some backup plan. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because people are always going to want to get drunk, you know. | ||
| Yeah, plus probably a lot of drunk chicks bust moves on you that way. | ||
| Oh, it's the best. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| They must bust moves. | ||
| It's the best. | ||
| When you work at a restaurant also, you're always getting laid because you become friends and alcoholics with all the other waiters and waitresses and talk shit about how horrible the day is. | ||
| Right, and you're all off at 2 o'clock in the morning at the same time. | ||
| And then you all bang each other. | ||
| Oh, dude, yeah. | ||
| When I was bartending in Dallas, we would just drive to Shreveport overnight. | ||
| Shreveport, Louisiana? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like, alright, we just made $300, let's go cross the border and gamble. | ||
| How far away is Louisiana from Dallas? | ||
| A couple hours. | ||
| That's it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Wow. | ||
| That was the best. | ||
| Is it like a different world, though? | ||
| Oh, it's sad. | ||
| It's sad. | ||
| Like, take the coolness of Vegas, and then it's just, yeah. | ||
| It's not fun. | ||
| It's like Reno if it got bit by a vampire. | ||
| Right, yeah. | ||
| Reno for that AIDS. Yeah, there's a few of those places that are like, whoa, we did a bunch of early UFCs in those places. | ||
| Like Casino Magic, shit like that. | ||
| Like 1998. But it's fun when you're a kid. | ||
| You're like, oh, I can go and drink underage and gamble. | ||
| Oh, hell yeah. | ||
| Windsor, California. | ||
| Or Canada. | ||
| Windsor? | ||
| Yeah, that's where the whole Midwest would all drive up as kids to drink and go to strip clubs. | ||
| Yeah, I actually saw some of that when we were filming in Detroit. | ||
| They were talking about how you could only be 18, you could get across to Canada, you could drink. | ||
| And go to strip clubs. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| You know they're trying to raise the smoking age in New York to 21, which makes so much sense. | ||
| Why is that even a... | ||
| It doesn't make sense? | ||
| No, it does make sense. | ||
| Yeah, why isn't it, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| It's just, there's a real problem with cigarettes, man. | ||
| They're so fucking addictive. | ||
| They're so addictive, and they're so terrible for you. | ||
| And even a guy like you, who's, you know, you're not completely retarded, and yet you can't stop going back to them. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I'm quitting soon. | ||
| No, me and Kayla are going to quit. | ||
| Oh, that's sweet. | ||
| Together? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Together forever. | ||
| We're going to quit. | ||
| Why don't you just fucking get electronic cigarettes, man? | ||
| It seems like... | ||
| I think that is the worst invention in the world. | ||
| I am so anti-electronic cigarettes. | ||
| Why's that? | ||
| You see these kids that are... | ||
| Or kids. | ||
| You see these people with, like, these humongous hookahs of electronic cigarettes, and they sit there and suck on it like a tit all night long, and they're just getting so much nicotine that... | ||
| They're pretty much telling their body, like, hey, no, I need to live on nicotine. | ||
| I need nicotine in my body all day long, all day night. | ||
| Do you see if the electronic cigarette is too accessible? | ||
| Because with a cigarette, you've got to go outside, you've got to go across the street, you've got to find a lighter. | ||
| With the e-cigarette, it's just always there. | ||
| Always there. | ||
| People suck on those things seriously like a thumb. | ||
| I've seen it, yeah. | ||
| Right, but from what I understand, it's not negative. | ||
| It's not bad for you. | ||
| It's making your body get fucking used to having that much nicotine in it. | ||
| Yeah, but I don't think nicotine is what's wrong. | ||
| Nicotine is not really that bad for you. | ||
| From what I understand, nicotine is actually a medicine. | ||
| But isn't it highly addictive, right? | ||
| I don't know if it's the nicotine necessarily that's really fucking you up. | ||
| There's 590 different chemicals. | ||
| Yeah, but people are addicted to American spirit cigarettes and the only thing in there is tobacco. | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| Nicotine addiction. | ||
| Let's find out. | ||
| Nicotine addiction and then electronic cigarettes. | ||
| Yeah, just to me, it seems horrible. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| It seems like way better for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you're going to have to do that for the rest of your life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're always the guy with the e-cigarette at the bar. | ||
| But it's way better for your lungs. | ||
| Yeah, but instead of just quitting is what I'm saying. | ||
| Yeah, I understand that. | ||
| But if you're looking for a bridge between the two, it seems like there'll be a way better move. | ||
| Unless nicotine's not addictive. | ||
| It seems like you're just getting your body used to way... | ||
| Like larger amounts of a drug. | ||
| But like I said, I don't think that nicotine is a real issue. | ||
| Let me ask Siri. | ||
| Yeah, is nicotine dangerous? | ||
| Is nicotine addictive? | ||
| Of course it's addictive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here's what I found on the web. | |
| Oh, gross, Siri. | ||
| Bitch has no shit. | ||
| Okay, here, nicotine, there's benefits. | ||
| Studies have focused on the benefits of nicotine therapy for adults with ADHD. Wow. | ||
| So if you can't concentrate, you should smoke? | ||
| Well, you know, it's really interesting because Stephen King said that cigarettes, like when he quit cigarettes, that was one of the most profound effects on his writing. | ||
| That it really slowed him down because cigarettes really made a synapses fire and he felt like it made it more creative. | ||
| Because it's stimulant, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| I have ADHD. Oh, you definitely do. | ||
| Are you kidding? | ||
| So keep smoking. | ||
| You're fine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Psychoactive effects. | ||
| Nicotine's mood-altering effects are different by report. | ||
| In particular, it is both a stimulant and a relaxant, first causing the release of glucose from the liver and epinephrine, adrenaline, from the adrenal medulla. | ||
| It caused... | ||
| It causes stimulation. | ||
| Users report feelings of relaxation, sharpness, calmness, and alertness. | ||
| Like any stimulant, it may very rarely cause the often uncomfortable neuropsychiatric effects of... | ||
| How about this one? | ||
| A-K-A-T-H-I-S-I-A... By reducing the appetite and raising the metabolism, some smokers may lose weight as a consequence. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| So the medical uses, there's a bunch of different medical uses. | ||
| Primary therapeutic use of nicotine is in treating nicotine dependence. | ||
| Duh. | ||
| That's so stupid. | ||
| See, it doesn't seem like nicotine is something you should suck on all day long. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| However, in a few situations, smoking has been observed to be of therapeutic value. | ||
| These are often referred to as smokers' paradoxes, and although in most cases the actual mechanism is understood only poorly or not at all, It is generally believed that the principal beneficial action is due to the nicotine administered and that the administration of nicotine without smoking may be as beneficial as smoking. | ||
| So there's certain things like it says, for instance, studies suggest that smokers require less frequent repeated revascularization after percutaneous coronary intervention. | ||
| Not many people do that anymore. | ||
| What is that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's like an old dance they used to do when the TVs was black and white. | |
| I don't even know what the fuck that is. | ||
| Risk of ulcerative colitis has been frequently shown to be reduced by smokers. | ||
| Because you kind of smoke the inside of your lung. | ||
| You make it tougher. | ||
| You can't get as many diseases that way. | ||
| Wow, that's not true. | ||
| You get more? | ||
| Tobacco smoke has also been shown to contain compounds capable of inhibiting monoamine oxidase, which is what you take when you make ayahuasca. | ||
| Monoamine oxidase is what keeps DMT from becoming orally active. | ||
| That's why if you eat grass and things that have DMT in it, you don't just start tripping your balls off because of monoamine oxidase. | ||
| So if it inhibits monoamine oxidase, that can act as a hallucinogen too. | ||
| If it's in like harming, if it's in like large doses, I think it's close to like death doses, it becomes a hallucinogen. | ||
| Have you tried the e-cigarette at all? | ||
| Yeah, I tried one. | ||
| I tried one recently. | ||
| Because I wanted to see what kind of a stimulant it gives you and whether or not I would crave it more. | ||
| I puffed it all the way to the Bray Improv. | ||
| Did it do anything? | ||
| Yeah, it gave me a little jolt. | ||
| But, you know, it's not something I want to do on a regular basis. | ||
| I just wanted to experiment with it, see what it was like. | ||
| It doesn't have the satisfaction of littering, you know? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Just being a badass. | ||
| I smoked an e-hooka in Vegas the other day. | ||
| Somebody had an e-hooka. | ||
| E-hooka. | ||
| That's one of those big fat ones. | ||
| Yeah, the big long one. | ||
| That's what Bobby Lee walks around with. | ||
| Bobby Lee's got a goddamn garbage can he brings with him. | ||
| It's filled up with nicotine. | ||
| It's on a roller. | ||
| He's rolling his golf clubs around. | ||
| Him and PJ Boats just sit there and I just look over and I'm like, that's not good. | ||
| That's just not good. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Right, but that's Bobby Lee. | ||
| He's super indulgent. | ||
| Those funny guys, man. | ||
| There's so many funny guys that are just super indulgent. | ||
| They almost can't help themselves. | ||
| There's this radio station in, I believe, Columbus, Ohio, that Bobby Lee was on recently, and they had it video, recorded video, and he sat down on the couch, and there was a point where they were talking about another comedian. | ||
| What's the one lady, that really funny chow with the tattoos? | ||
| Margaret Cho? | ||
| Margaret Cho. | ||
| Margaret Cho was there, and she took off all her clothes, and they were talking to Bobby about that, and Bobby's like, oh, you know, I can take off all my clothes. | ||
| So he takes off all his clothes. | ||
| And sits down on the couch, which is white. | ||
| And then when he sat up later and left, he left a little brown skin mark on the thing. | ||
| And so the radio station cut it out and framed it in their skin. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, that's so disgusting. | |
| His dirty little ass. | ||
| And he had like an excuse. | ||
| Like, oh, you don't understand. | ||
| I had an omelet. | ||
| Just shit his pants right there on their couch. | ||
| Oh, he's probably cutting little farts too. | ||
| Yeah, he probably cut one and just a little leaked out. | ||
| He didn't want to let anybody know. | ||
| He probably did it on purpose. | ||
| He's like, who has a white couch? | ||
| Yeah, if you know Bobby. | ||
| Okay, e-cigarettes. | ||
| Let's see if it makes sense that an e-cigarette is healthier. | ||
| Oh, it's definitely healthier. | ||
| I'm not saying it's healthier. | ||
| I'm just saying that the nicotine intake, I believe, when you have one of these big hookahs, it's probably just drowning you with way more nicotine than you're used to. | ||
| Maybe, but I don't know if it is healthier. | ||
| I don't... | ||
| Not by much. | ||
| I mean, it just feels like something's missing when you smoke an e-cigarette. | ||
| It's like drinking, like, Coke Zero. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| It just doesn't have that. | ||
| Yeah, it's probably... | ||
| I feel more than that. | ||
| Like, I feel like this is not doing anything. | ||
| It doesn't. | ||
| It doesn't feel good. | ||
| It's like I have a straw, and I'm just going... | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| It says the one thing is nicotine levels. | ||
| They're worried is the electronic cigarette can contain as much nicotine as a regular cigarette or more, and then the amount of nicotine an electric cigarette delivers depends on the content of the liquid nicotine cartridge installed in it. | ||
| So they can choose cartridges containing nicotine in a range of strengths. | ||
| Everyone goes for the strong ones, too, if you're coming from cigarettes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're sucking on that thing all day long instead of hanging from a cigarette every, like, 15, 20 minutes or so. | ||
| Says there are also cartridges that contain liquid without nicotine for users who want the sensory experience of smoking without its effect. | ||
| So that's like fakers. | ||
| That's like people wearing fake glasses. | ||
| Well, they say that your first year is like you're not really addicted to the nicotine, you're addicted to the movement of putting the cigarette into your mouth. | ||
| A year? | ||
| A year, six months, something I read, yeah. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| A year? | ||
| Six months? | ||
| Three months? | ||
| You're just addicted to doing that? | ||
| I read it somewhere. | ||
| I heard it. | ||
| Somebody else read it and they told me about it. | ||
| It's like the... | ||
| Because when you drink, you get drunk immediately. | ||
| The cigarette, you don't really become addicted to it. | ||
| No one starts liking nicotine the first time you smoke a cigarette. | ||
| Well, it's a weird feeling. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| I did a sketch once with Adam Ferrara and Kevin James. | ||
| We were doing this improv troupe at this comedy club. | ||
| And I did this sketch. | ||
| And I was supposed to play this poet that smoked a lot of cigarettes. | ||
| So I was smoking these cigarettes on the set. | ||
| I took Adam's cigarettes. | ||
| And I was fucked up, man. | ||
| I was really fucked up. | ||
| Within, like, two cigarettes or three cigarettes, my head was flying. | ||
| I was like, my God, I'm high. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| Like, I didn't know this gets you high. | ||
| It gets you some weird kind of high. | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it doesn't seem to interrupt your motor skills. | ||
| This is, by the way, I don't know if you can see this. | ||
| It might be hard to see. | ||
| This is Bobby Lee's skid mark. | ||
| It's really hard to see. | ||
| It's right here. | ||
| Yeah, I can't see it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's hard to see. | ||
| The contrast is too fucked up. | ||
| Yeah, so these things, apparently, it really depends who's making the e-cigarette. | ||
| And so in that way, a company like those blue e-cigs, that might be the way to go. | ||
| At least you can count on it. | ||
| Because it's kind of the same thing as pot. | ||
| When you buy a pot brownie and you don't know what the fuck is in there, you're taking a total guess. | ||
| It's a big gamble. | ||
| The difference between the impact of a pot cookie or a pot brownie can be... | ||
| You just mellow sitting in front of the TV or you on a wild roller coaster ride through the dark recesses of your soul. | ||
| Right? | ||
| You know that feeling. | ||
| There's a big, big, big, big goddamn difference. | ||
| And because of the fact that it's illegal, you know, it's not regulated. | ||
| You don't know what you're getting. | ||
| And that's probably the same thing with these e-cigarettes. | ||
| And sometimes, like, the... | ||
| The cheaper ones. | ||
| The gas stations all have them now. | ||
| You get the blue one. | ||
| That's the expensive kind. | ||
| But they all have these generic versions of them. | ||
| Some of those you suck on and you just get a mouthful of juice sometimes. | ||
| I'm like, that can't be good. | ||
| I'm drinking the juice that makes the smoke fall. | ||
| Like you're wringing out the filter at the end of a cigarette? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's not good. | ||
| There's certain things like... | ||
| But you can count... | ||
| One of the best things about... | ||
| Like, edibles, is if you find a company that makes a certain edible, and you know what it is. | ||
| Like, they make a Jolly Rancher. | ||
| Okay, this Jolly Rancher is very predictable. | ||
| One, and you're good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| LA Speedweed does that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| In all their packages, they have how much it is. | ||
| They're very clever that way. | ||
| This e-cigarette thing is interesting because they're starting to open up these e-cigarette lounges in places. | ||
| Have you seen them? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, they have e-cigarette stores and e-cigarette lounges and they serve different flavor. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| People have, like, there's vaporizer stores. | ||
| You know what it's going to do, Joe? | ||
| It's going to make non-smokers try it and then like it and then they're going to get addicted to cigarettes and then here we go again. | ||
| Someone's going to think they look cool blowing smoke and they're going to fuck them and they're just going to keep trying to look cool again. | ||
| Just keep trying to itch that scab. | ||
| Got to make you feel better. | ||
| It's like opium dens for people who aren't cool enough to smoke real cigarettes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Where you were in Dallas, in Addison, was one of the last places. | ||
| I go back home, I walk into a bar, and everybody's just ripping cigarettes at the bar. | ||
| You can still smoke there! | ||
| Yeah, it's one of the last places that hangs in there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Still? | |
| Oh, yeah! | ||
| Oh, sweet. | ||
| Well, when we performed there, I was at the Addison Improv the last time I was there. | ||
| I was like, you guys have a goddamn smoking show. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| You have to specify a non-smoking show. | ||
| Yeah, if you're a headliner from out of town, you have to let them know in advance. | ||
| No, not even that. | ||
| They have an 8 p.m. | ||
| non-smoking show. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| There was like an 8pm non-smoking show and there was a 10pm regular show. | ||
| And the 10pm regular show was just a fucking haze of shitty decision making. | ||
| Just booze and cigarettes. | ||
| Whiskey and marble lights. | ||
| I'm not a fan of cigarette smoke. | ||
| I don't like the way it smells. | ||
| I think it's disgusting. | ||
| I think it's bad for you. | ||
| But... | ||
| There's something about a bar that's filled with cigarette smoke that just feels right. | ||
| Or a crowd of cigarette smokers are always a little bit better for some reason. | ||
| They're fucking animals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't care. | |
| They're not worried about shit as much. | ||
| They're not even caring about their own body. | ||
| You know? | ||
| They're not giving two fucks. | ||
| Well, it's a fact that girls who smoke are, like, much more likely to do something freaky. | ||
| I'm so attracted to chicks who smoke cigarettes. | ||
| I don't know what it is. | ||
| Are you too? | ||
| There's something sexy about that, man. | ||
| They're dirty. | ||
| They're just dirty? | ||
| And they're making shitty decisions. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And she's like, you know. | ||
| How about one more? | ||
| She's sucking on that cancer stick, and you're like, my dick can't be nearly as dangerous as that. | ||
| Oh, was she wrong? | ||
| That after-fuck cigarette where you're like, ah, just laying there. | ||
| Or the during? | ||
| No. | ||
| They just seem dirty. | ||
| You're going to tell your friends! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pfft! | |
| There's also, like, knowing that they're not going to stay good-looking for very long because the cigarettes are going to age them. | ||
| They're, like, more valuable. | ||
| It's a shorter ride. | ||
| It's a shorter, wilder ride. | ||
| Fatality, that was awesome. | ||
| If a girl is, like, really smoking hard cigarettes, by the time she hits 40, the fucking party's over. | ||
| You're my grandma now. | ||
| Right. | ||
| The party's over. | ||
| She'll write that down in time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
True. | |
| But a girl who's like a CrossFit chick or something like that, they could go deep in their 40s and still like hot as fuck. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Well, there was just a picture on Facebook that was circulating where it has two twins. | ||
| They're identical twins and one smoked for the last 15 years and the other one didn't. | ||
| It showed them side by side. | ||
| I thought the smoker looked remarkably good compared to the twin. | ||
| I was like, that's actually not a very good argument because it's 14 years of enjoying cigarettes and barely paid a price. | ||
| And having fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They're, like, Halle Berry, I think, is, like, 50 or something. | ||
| Like, how old is she? | ||
| She's hot as fuck, man. | ||
| Does she smoke? | ||
| No, of course not. | ||
| But I'm saying that's the difference. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| If she did, like, both of those, let's be honest. | ||
| All right, if I had to fuck one, I don't know which one's to smoke. | ||
| Why would you do that and click this stop, shut this off, shaming these people? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| I'd rather watch beheading videos. | ||
| You're shaming these people. | ||
| You're not supposed to do that. | ||
| I would do the one on the right. | ||
| Which one's the smoker? | ||
| I couldn't care less. | ||
| The one on the right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| Hey, stop! | ||
| Dude, don't show that anymore. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Don't be showing... | ||
| For real. | ||
| That's not good karma to just show people and go, look how ugly these people's faces are. | ||
| If that's on a line somewhere... | ||
|
unidentified
|
I didn't say that. | |
| That's one thing. | ||
| That's exactly what we're saying. | ||
| We're looking at it. | ||
| They're all beat up by cigarettes. | ||
| We're trying to figure out which one you'd rather fuck. | ||
| Yeah, but I would fuck one. | ||
| They've both been through hell. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Let's be honest. | ||
| You wouldn't want your face appearing on a fucking podcast. | ||
| Would you rather fuck this guy or this guy with AIDS? It's the same thing. | ||
| But the smoker would. | ||
| He's got AIDS. The smoker would. | ||
| If she's still a smoker, she would want to be on this podcast. | ||
| That's almost like... | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe she's just want to borrow $5. | ||
| Come here and blow everybody for $1.50 a piece. | ||
| It'd be a disaster. | ||
| She's making shitty decisions. | ||
| She let them put her face in that thing. | ||
| They probably gave her money for that. | ||
| She's like, well, no one's going to see it. | ||
| Everyone's going to see it, goddammit. | ||
| Brian just showed it to half a million people. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| I'm sorry for that. | ||
| I wouldn't have done it, ma'am. | ||
| I just want you to know. | ||
| I just think it's wrong. | ||
| Don't do it again, you fuck. | ||
| No, I'm just trying to... | ||
| So the right one is the smoker. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Oh, so that's the one I would do. | ||
| The other one looks like she has a black... | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| Just don't be mean. | ||
| Don't be mean. | ||
| It's just a person, man. | ||
| It's a person out there making shit decisions. | ||
| But I support people's right to make shitty decisions. | ||
| There's something about the temporary nature of bar life and cigarette smokes. | ||
| It's kind of dying out and people are clinging more to their existence. | ||
| And there's a part of me that enjoys a bar that's smoky, just like I enjoy being around drunk people sometimes. | ||
| I like drunk people that can handle it, you know? | ||
| And I like a bar filled with people that are just out having a good fucking time. | ||
| There's a lot more people that can handle it than can't handle it. | ||
| It's the people that can't handle it. | ||
| They're so outrageous, they ruin the time for the people that can. | ||
| Walking around throwing up in trash cans in the middle of the street. | ||
| That sounds to me like they handled it. | ||
| If they threw up in each other's underwear, then it would be a problem. | ||
| Well, there's a difference between going to a bar where everybody's cool, drinking, having a good time, and then going to a 50-cent shot night college bar. | ||
| That's when it's just a fucking train wreck. | ||
| Nickel pitcher. | ||
| Yeah, nickel, right. | ||
| Well, it's like being around college drinkers is just like being around white belts in jiu-jitsu class. | ||
| They spaz out. | ||
| They don't know how to relax. | ||
| They don't know how to go with their friends and just have a couple of shots and clink glasses and go, let's do a shot of Jack Fork and hit knuckles together and you sit there and drink like nice people and you enjoy it and you have more laughs and you talk more shit and you laugh at each other and you have a good time and it's fun and it's a lot of hugs and high fives and shit. | ||
| A lot of hugs, yeah. | ||
| That's what it's like when we drink. | ||
| No one gets in any fights. | ||
| There's no anger. | ||
| No one breaks bottles and stabs people. | ||
| There's none of that going on. | ||
| You have to be a special type of fuckhead to ruin a good drinking moment. | ||
| Unless you're drinking Fireball. | ||
| Unless you're with one of those dudes that just can't drink. | ||
| We know those dudes that are just nice guys where they just can't fucking drink. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They just can't handle it. | |
| They just can't do it. | ||
| They can't do it. | ||
| They try. | ||
| They can't pull it off. | ||
| Can't fucking do it. | ||
| There's a lot of them. | ||
| They just got that broken gene in them, man. | ||
| There's a lot more in California, I noticed. | ||
| I think there's a lot of psychologically damaged folks out here that have come out here to reinvent themselves. | ||
| And I think you add alcohol to that particular mindset. | ||
| It's like the problem that I have with that is the same problem I have when guys like Dr. Drew start talking shit about like the withdrawal syndromes that are associated with weed. | ||
| I'm like, how many people? | ||
| Saying that is like saying that peanuts will kill you because some people are allergic to them. | ||
| Because there's some people, you eat peanuts, you're fucking dead. | ||
| It's not most people, though. | ||
| If you're watching some report on peanuts killing people and you're eating peanuts, going, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| Peanuts are delicious. | ||
| I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich this morning. | ||
| I'm eating peanuts now. | ||
| I got some honey roasted peanuts. | ||
| I got some salted peanuts. | ||
| I got some raw peanuts. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Peanuts? | ||
| But peanuts do kill a certain percentage of the population. | ||
| That's akin to the same type of people that are getting withdrawal syndromes from weed. | ||
| That's not typical. | ||
| So when you pretend, you're disingenuous if you're on TV pretending that it's a dangerous withdrawal syndrome that's attached to the stronger weed today. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| No, it's just like people allergic to peanuts. | ||
| It's some rare freaks that smoke pot and next thing you know they're sucking dick for more pot. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Those are rare. | ||
| It doesn't happen very often. | ||
| I think the only, to me, with drinking now getting older, the only problem I have is the hangovers are just so fucking brutal now, man. | ||
| That's why you need 180 from the Onyx. | ||
| When you were talking about it at the beginning, I was like, I'm writing it down. | ||
| I'm like, okay, go ahead. | ||
| Well, your body does not want you to do that. | ||
| I know, but... | ||
| It doesn't want you to drink like that. | ||
| You gotta drink a lot of water. | ||
| It's hard to do, but if you do it while you're drinking, it makes a big difference. | ||
| If, like, while you're drinking booze, you force yourself to pound water, you make a lot of trips to the bathroom, but so what? | ||
| Just do it. | ||
| You'll feel way better. | ||
| It'll just go through your system better. | ||
| You'll rehydrate better. | ||
| You're still gonna feel like shit, though. | ||
| I just want to have a solid poop one of these days. | ||
| One day, Brian. | ||
| If you plan and hope and wish and pray to the poop fairy... | ||
| It'll all come out hard. | ||
| You're probably dying. | ||
| Your body's probably slowly breaking down from the inside. | ||
| You're probably shitting away little pieces of your liver. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm detoxing right now. | ||
| I haven't drank in a couple days. | ||
| Detoxing? | ||
| I like to not drink for a couple days a week. | ||
| Yeah, you don't have to, man. | ||
| It's just too... | ||
| Your problem is you're in these social circles that are like, you know, everyone's drinking and that's how everybody gets laid. | ||
| Which, by the way, the feminists think is rape. | ||
| We were talking about this on Dissentary with Kayla. | ||
| She's, you know, sober now. | ||
| And she was talking about how hard it is to... | ||
| Thank God! | ||
| No, I'm just kidding. | ||
| How hard it is to, like, actually get laid. | ||
| Or how to, like, meet somebody. | ||
| Because when you're with a sober person, like, if you take a girl out that doesn't drink... | ||
| Oh, it's the worst! | ||
| It's the hardest thing to get to that first base, even. | ||
| Because you're not, you know... | ||
| You don't feel confident. | ||
| She is weird. | ||
| Well, it becomes the weird thing that it actually is. | ||
| You want to stick your penis in her body. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| You know, it's only until people are drunk that it sounds like, fuck yeah, let's do this. | ||
| And a girl, look at you, you want to fuck or what? | ||
| You're like, whoa. | ||
| You know, that rarely happens when girls are sober. | ||
| It's sober. | ||
| And if they are sober and they say, do you want to fuck or what? | ||
| Run! | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| They're probably crazy. | ||
| Probably gonna burn your house down right after they fuck you. | ||
| Bitch is nuts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| It's hard for a girl. | ||
| It's hard for anybody to trust anybody to be inside them. | ||
| It's very evasive. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Not only that, dudes are like creeps. | ||
| There's a lot of rapists. | ||
| A lot of men are stronger than women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Women hear every day about some guy in the news who forced himself on a girl and killed her and buried her body. | ||
| There's crazy stories. | ||
| There was a kid recently in high school that killed one of the teachers. | ||
| Cut her with a box cutter and dragged her into the woods behind the school. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No one knows why or what. | ||
| It's a mystery. | ||
| He's like 14. He was a well-liked kid. | ||
| The whole thing is craziness. | ||
| And that's a boy. | ||
| Imagine men. | ||
| If I was a chick, I'd be terrified to fuck a guy. | ||
| I mean, they should be. | ||
| It's a weird scenario. | ||
| It's one of the only reasons why when you hear feminists talk about how to approach girls and how to respect the idea that these girls would be terrified of you, I agree with that wholeheartedly 100%. | ||
| One thing, like, I've heard it argued against that, like, the men's rights guys are like, that's horseshit, that's stupid, you know, not all guys are assholes, you treat us like we're assholes, it sort of, like, manifests this whole, you know, attitude that certain men and women have with each other, but that's easy for dudes to say, because they're not getting raped. | ||
| You know, and the men's rights guys, one goofy thing that they fucking say, they really need to shut the fuck up about, they go, you know who gets raped more than anybody in this country? | ||
| Men. | ||
| Men in prison. | ||
| Men in prison. | ||
| That's a hard sell. | ||
| No, it's a fact! | ||
| Men in prison get raped more than anyone in this country. | ||
| But you know what the problem with that fact is? | ||
| They get raped by men! | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's black-on-black crime, okay? | ||
| The men are raping the men. | ||
| It's not women breaking into prison and raping fucking poor prisoners. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's men raping men. | ||
| It supports women's idea that these men are fucking assholes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's exactly what they've been saying. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it's ridiculous. | ||
| It's such a fucking asinine and disingenuous argument. | ||
| But would you agree... | ||
| Okay, feminist and then men's right. | ||
| Would you agree there's a balance in the middle? | ||
| Like a woman doesn't want some guy who's going to intimidate her and scare the shit out of her, but she doesn't want some pussy who doesn't know how to make a move either. | ||
| As long as there's a fine line in the middle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, I think here's the problem with saying women want... | ||
| Everybody wants something different. | ||
| Some women like super feminine, really thin, like, heroin-looking dudes. | ||
| Some women like guys with guts. | ||
| Some women like black guys. | ||
| Some women like Asian guys. | ||
| Some women like timid guys. | ||
| Some women like aggressive guys. | ||
| Some women like to be held down. | ||
| Some women like their hair pulled. | ||
| Some women like to be choked. | ||
| Some women will fucking scream and stab you if you try to choke them. | ||
| Rightly so. | ||
| If you just try to grab them and strangle them like your last girlfriend, they'll fucking think you're trying to rape them and they'll grab something and stab you in the dick. | ||
| That's normal too. | ||
| There's a weird, broad spectrum of what people like and don't like. | ||
| So whenever you say, "Women don't want a man that does this." Are you sure? | ||
| Because I've met girls that want that. | ||
| Don't tell me that women don't like to be choked. | ||
| They don't like their face fucked. | ||
| Because they do. | ||
| There's girls that like their face fucked. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| I've heard them say it. | ||
| I've heard the words. | ||
| I want you to fuck my mouth. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| You're the boss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They puke on your dick and it dries up and it's like a gelatin the next day. | ||
| The first time a girl said it to me, I was young, man. | ||
| I had never even heard it before. | ||
| I was like, wait a minute, what? | ||
| My last girlfriend, she'd scream if I grabbed the back of her head and this girl's telling me to fuck her face. | ||
| Like, everyone's different. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Everyone's different. | ||
| That's what the problem with this whole women like this. | ||
| Men want a woman who... | ||
| Not every man wants a woman who does that. | ||
| A lot of men want weird shit. | ||
| A lot of men want a mommy. | ||
| A lot of men like women that punch them in the face. | ||
| There's men that like... | ||
| There's a whole website dedicated to getting kicked in the balls by girls wearing stilettos. | ||
| There's a lot of weirdness in the world, man. | ||
| You can't say, men like this and women like that. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| The only thing you can do is be nice to each other. | ||
| That's the only thing you can do, man or women. | ||
| So, like, the reason why feminism exists, the only reason why it exists, is because there's an imbalance. | ||
| If there wasn't an imbalance, there wouldn't be this need to be extreme towards that side. | ||
| If men were really kind to women and there was no dispute, then it would be ridiculous to have feminism. | ||
| Nobody would believe in it. | ||
| The only reason why it can exist, whether you believe in a lot of the things that they generalize or not, and I don't. | ||
| I don't believe in the generalizations. | ||
| I believe there's a lot of good people out there, and I think as soon as you start lumping men into general categories, it's just like lumping women or anyone into general categories. | ||
| We're too broad in a spectrum. | ||
| There's always an exception to everything. | ||
| But there's too many different variables when it comes to humans interacting with each other, especially sexually. | ||
| But the only reason why feminism exists at all is because there's something wrong. | ||
| If there was nothing wrong, if there was no women that were getting shit on, if there was no sexual harassment in the workplace, if there was no discrimination when it comes to employment, if none of those things existed, you couldn't make the argument. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| Nobody would buy it. | ||
| The women wouldn't buy it. | ||
| Nobody would join. | ||
| They'd be like, what are you talking about? | ||
| Men treat women like they're themselves living another life. | ||
| But that's not the case. | ||
| So when you have, whether it's the men's rights guys or the feminists, the reason why these groups exist is because something's wrong. | ||
| There's not a balance. | ||
| And there's always going to be someone that's out there in the far end of the seesaw trying to tip it one way or the other. | ||
| But they exist because something's going on. | ||
| The men's rights guys exist because there's something going on? | ||
| Because a lot of guys do get fucked over and divorced, man. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| I've seen some brutal shit happen to men in marriages. | ||
| I've seen some men that were targeted by women who were just... | ||
| They were financial assassins. | ||
| And they went after men for their money and got pregnant with these men for their money and stole money from these men. | ||
| I've seen it. | ||
| I know it happens. | ||
| I've seen it without the baby part. | ||
| I've seen people get fucked over. | ||
| I've seen it happen many times. | ||
| That doesn't mean that the men's rights guys are right when they say stupid shit like men get raped more than women. | ||
| Yeah, you fucking get raped by each other, you dumb fuck. | ||
| That's such a dumb thing to say. | ||
| It's such a disingenuous argument. | ||
| Are you really worried about being raped, dude? | ||
| Because I don't worry about it ever. | ||
| How about that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't go to prison. | |
| I don't worry about getting raped, man. | ||
| It never comes up. | ||
| No. | ||
| And I'm around UFC fighters all the time. | ||
| I'm around people who actually could rape me and it doesn't really come up. | ||
| A guy says that. | ||
| If a guy was talking about divorce laws and the idea that someone can actually target someone and someone can extract money from them by basically a conspiracy, you're conspiring to rip guys off. | ||
| That's what a gold digger is. | ||
| It's a whole professional. | ||
| There's songs about it. | ||
| I mean, it's not like a kind of a myth like a unicorn or something like that. | ||
| It's not a chupacabra. | ||
| It's a real fucking thing. | ||
| It's a category in society. | ||
| Gold diggers. | ||
| And, you know, that's not good either. | ||
| But then there's the guys who fall for those traps. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| That's natural selection, you stupid fuck. | ||
| How do you not look at her and look at you and not know she's after your money? | ||
| You're disgusting. | ||
| What, do you think it's your personality? | ||
| You know, you're walking around with a fucking $10,000 watch on, driving a Ferrari, and you wonder why women want you to pay for their rent. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| That's what you do, stupid. | ||
| Look, I'm on both sides. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Both sides of the fence. | |
| That's how I rock it. | ||
| But, you know, I'm trying to bridge gaps here. | ||
| I'm trying to bring people together. | ||
| I'm trying to let feminists and men's rights advocates and everybody know that we're all just humans. | ||
| When I see, like, I was watching this thing about atheism plus. | ||
| I don't know if you know what atheism plus is. | ||
| These are the people that want to attach atheism with core values, like against sexual harassment, racial discrimination. | ||
| And they had these really long, verbose speeches. | ||
| But my problem with that, when I was watching that, I was like... | ||
| Duh. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Duh. | ||
| Essentially, that's what it is anyways. | ||
| All of it. | ||
| Gay marriage. | ||
| Duh. | ||
| Racial discrimination. | ||
| Duh. | ||
| Sexual discrimination. | ||
| Duh. | ||
| All of it's duh. | ||
| Yeah, it shouldn't be there. | ||
| Everyone should just... | ||
| We should all know that. | ||
| It's like when you start railing on about it, you make me want to sexually harass somebody. | ||
| Because you're so fucking annoying and it's so obvious what you're saying. | ||
| It's so stupid to keep harping on shit that I say we shouldn't stab babies. | ||
| Yes, yes, no stabbing babies. | ||
| So profound. | ||
| Yeah, nobody... | ||
| If you don't want gay people to get married, you're a fucking asshole. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| If you don't think that black people should have the same rate of pay as a white person, you're an asshole. | ||
| If you don't think black people should live in your neighborhood, you're an asshole. | ||
| It's all nonsense. | ||
| It's so clear by this day and age that it's duh. | ||
| So when I see something like Atheism Plus and these long, drawn-out speeches where they're mentioning all these other things that we should already agree on, where are we starting from? | ||
| Are we starting from barbarism? | ||
| Are we fucking pirates? | ||
| Are we educating fucking horrible criminal people? | ||
| That's what it feels like. | ||
| Yeah, it was like, stop harping on this shit. | ||
| Enough already. | ||
| We should literally make two countries. | ||
| We should saw the fucking country in half and put up a giant fence. | ||
| And anybody who doesn't want gay marriage, anybody who doesn't want black people, anybody who hates Asians, get over there! | ||
| Stop! | ||
| You need to figure it out on your own. | ||
| Too many people have already figured it out. | ||
| I would say like a small island. | ||
| I would put like an island. | ||
| Just let them go and do that. | ||
| It might even be half the people. | ||
| Look, my point is, if you're joining Atheism Plus, Jesus fucking Christ, aren't you already there? | ||
| I mean, do you really have to repeat that? | ||
| I mean, how much preaching to the choir has to be done? | ||
| They have to chirp on that same shit that we all rational people already agree in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Saw this bitch! | |
| We'll take the left, you take the right, go. | ||
| And we can all live in each other's spots if we want to, but let's recognize what we have over here. | ||
| We have a bunch of black haters, a bunch of Jew haters, a bunch of gay bashers, all in one country. | ||
| We could give them Louisiana. | ||
| No, Louisiana's pretty cool. | ||
| What should we give them? | ||
| North Dakota? | ||
| Give them South Dakota. | ||
| Nobody even goes there. | ||
| I would say Rhode Island. | ||
| Just put them out in the water. | ||
| Move the South Dakota people to, like, Connecticut, they'd be so happy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Delaware. | |
| There's some spots you could give them. | ||
| Some upper Alaska areas where they have camps. | ||
| That's what we should do. | ||
| Take racists. | ||
| Round them up and put them in camps. | ||
| Make them live with polar bears. | ||
| You want to know how much you're going to love black people after nine months of living with polar bears? | ||
| I got an idea. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's take everybody and put them in a camp. | |
| That's never been done before, has it? | ||
| This is a good idea. | ||
| Well, clearly we have too many people that suck. | ||
| It's just, it's so simple. | ||
| It's just, don't be an asshole. | ||
| You don't need to, that's it. | ||
| It's so simple. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fucking it! | |
| And it really, in this day and age, it's really all that's left. | ||
| You know, if you, I mean, someone can say, I'm a blank, fill in the blank with religion. | ||
| As soon as your religion involves killing people that don't believe in your religion, you're an asshole. | ||
| It doesn't matter if you call yourself a Muslim or a Mormon or a Christian. | ||
| You know, any Christian that believes in killing people that don't believe in Christ, you're missing it. | ||
| You're missing it completely. | ||
| And what about that little voice in the side that just says, this just doesn't feel right? | ||
| Some people don't have that voice, dude. | ||
| You have the voice that says, eat the baby. | ||
| Right, but that's a small minority of sociopaths. | ||
| I'm talking about even the most hardcore Christian, deep down inside, if someone's going to murder another, you go, ah, this just doesn't feel good. | ||
| If everything's going well. | ||
| See, that's what the thing is, though. | ||
| The thing is, that only exists if everything's going well. | ||
| If everything's going well in people's lives and they're not living a really savage existence where they're hardscrabble, trying to feed their family and their children, once that starts happening, people get really savage, really crazy. | ||
| Right, but what I'm saying is like a hardcore Christian, deep down inside, you know that you shouldn't be against gay people being happy. | ||
| Why don't you listen to that voice? | ||
| Yeah, but they don't know. | ||
| Because if someone really believes in an ideology, okay, if you really believe in the teachings of the Bible... | ||
| There are passages in the Bible that you can interpret as saying that a man should not lie with a man. | ||
| And that if a man does that, that man is against God. | ||
| And then if you get really crazy about defending God's will, you might conceivably think that you're doing God's work by killing someone who happens to be gay. | ||
| It's a ridiculous aspect of ideology. | ||
| It's a real problem. | ||
| There was a fucking crazy video that Sam Harris tweeted after he did my podcast. | ||
| We talked about Islam, and we talked about people that think that it's radical Islam, but it's not radical Islam. | ||
| It's just some of the tenets of being a Muslim that they all believe in. | ||
| Find that video. | ||
| Find that video. | ||
| It's Sam Harris... | ||
| It's actually on samharris.org. | ||
| It's on his website. | ||
| He wrote a whole blog post about it and then linked the video. | ||
| And you watch it and they're talking about stoning people to death for adultery and how many people agree with it. | ||
| And they're all agreeing and raising their hand. | ||
| It's like, no, that just makes you an asshole. | ||
| That just makes you an asshole. | ||
| Try to find the video. | ||
| It's in there somewhere. | ||
| It says something. | ||
| That's it right there. | ||
| Islam or Islamophobia. | ||
| Now watch this. | ||
| And this is fascinating because this guy is really, really confident when he's making a speech about what Muslims believe and don't believe. | ||
| I mean, this is actually Islam.net. | ||
| This is not a website that's designed to, like, shame the Muslims. | ||
| They're very proud of what this guy's saying. | ||
| It's very radical. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| Pull it forward a little bit till you see the guy talking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
How they always attack the Muslims, or Islam in particular, for certain things. | |
| For example, about gays. | ||
| They always attack us and the teachings towards this matter, for example. | ||
| While in Christianity, in Judaism, it's the same punishment That exists, you know, it's haram. | ||
| So why they're always, for example, focusing on Islam and not Judaism or Christianity, while, for example, also in Jerusalem. | ||
| For those who've been to Jerusalem, in the bosses in Jerusalem, for example, women sit separate than men, for example. | ||
| So why, like five minutes ago or early, we were asked about why Muslims have to be sitting separate, you know, men and women. | ||
| But they never ask these questions to Jews or Christians, why specifically Muslims or Islam? | ||
| Didn't you answer this question yesterday? | ||
| When you said that you need to ask the media. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, it's true. | ||
| But he needs an answer. | ||
| He was not here. | ||
| But the other people were here. | ||
| The other people will suffer because of you. | ||
| The answer is very simple. | ||
| Islam is the truth. | ||
| And Christianity and Judaism are not the truth. | ||
| Oh, what a great answer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Could I give a comment on this topic? | |
| Oh, it's the truth. | ||
| Watch this. | ||
| This is where it gets interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep, but you are the sheikh. | |
| You're the doctor! | ||
| MashaAllah! | ||
| Can we have this camera focusing on all the audience, sir? | ||
| Can we have this camera focusing on all the audience? | ||
| Because every now and then, every time we have a conference, every time we invite a speaker, they always come with the same accusations. | ||
| This speaker supports death penalty for homosexuals. | ||
| This speaker supports death penalty for this crime or this crime or that he is homophobic. | ||
| They subjugate women, etc., etc., etc. | ||
| It's the same old stuff coming all the time. | ||
| And we always try to tell them, I always try to tell them that, look, It's not that speaker that we're inviting who has these extreme radical views, as you say. | ||
| These are general views that every Muslim actually has. | ||
| Every Muslim believes in these things. | ||
| Just because they're not telling you about it or just because they're not out there in the media doesn't mean they don't believe in them. | ||
| So I will ask you, everyone in the room, how many of you are Normal Muslims. | ||
| You're not extremist. | ||
| You're not radical. | ||
| This is normal Sunni Muslims. | ||
| Please raise your hands. | ||
| Everybody, MashaAllah. | ||
| SubhanAllah. | ||
| Okay, take down your hands again. | ||
| How many of you agree That men and women should sit separate. | ||
| Please raise your hands. | ||
| They're all raising their hands by the way. | ||
| Except for one bad ass motherfucker in the front row that keeps his arms crossed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everyone agree. | |
| Now it gets really weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brothers and sisters. | |
| SubhanAllah. | ||
| So it's not just these radical sheikhs then. | ||
| Allahu Akbar. | ||
| Next question. | ||
| How many of you agree that the punishments described in the Quran and the Sunnah Whether it is death, whether it is stoning for adultery, whatever it is, if it is from Allah and His Messenger, that is the best punishment ever possible for humankind. | ||
| And that is what we should apply in the world. | ||
| Who agrees with that? | ||
| Everyone raises their hand. | ||
| 4,000 people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allahu Akbar! | |
| Are you all the radical extremists? | ||
| And they're all laughing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So, all of you are saying that you are common Muslims, you all go to the different massages, no way. | |
| Or is it, are you like a specific sect, like the Islam sect or anything like that? | ||
| Are you like that? | ||
| No. | ||
| Are you like that? | ||
| Please raise your hand if you like this extreme Islam sect or anything like that. | ||
| No one raises their hand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allahu Akbar! | |
| How many of you just go to these normal masajids in Norway? | ||
| The normal Sunni mosque. | ||
| Please raise your hands. | ||
| Everyone raises their hands. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allahu Akbar! | |
| So what's the politicians gonna say now? | ||
| What is the media gonna say now? | ||
| That we're all extremists? | ||
| We're all radicals? | ||
| We need to deport all of us from this country? | ||
| Subhanallah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Allahu Akbar! | |
| Takbir! | ||
| Okay, okay, kill it. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Yeah, but is it just because that group in particular is going to a huge church and then they're all just like, yes, we believe. | ||
| Are these just normal people? | ||
| No, what he's saying is, in the Quran, those are the punishments that are for homosexuality, for adultery. | ||
| Those are the punishments. | ||
| You're supposed to be killed. | ||
| And they're saying that every Muslim agrees with this. | ||
| Everyone, at least in that group of 4,000 people, agrees with that man. | ||
| Whether or not that carries over to larger groups or whether or not people have a more moderate view. | ||
| That's a small group. | ||
| That's small, bro. | ||
| It's not the whole country, though. | ||
| I know, but everyone in the group agreed. | ||
| It's a weird thing when you can get that many people and they're all raising their hands and throwing rocks at people until they die. | ||
| But if you go to one of our ministries, the guys that always ask for money, there's big groups of people at the churches that you have on late night TVs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ministries. | |
| If you see one of those, and he did the same thing, all those people might be like that awesome. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Is it all like-minded people drawn together in one place? | ||
| Could be. | ||
| Yeah, it could be. | ||
| But I think the difference being is that he's citing very specific passages In the religion that deal with crimes and punishments. | ||
| And that, you know, they're agreeing on murder. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Basically. | ||
| Because it's the truth. | ||
| Yeah, because it's the truth. | ||
| That's all he said. | ||
| It's just the truth. | ||
| Yeah, that becomes a problem. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not just simply whether or not you think that other people should believe what you believe, but you believe if two guys fuck each other, they should throw rocks at them until they die. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| If you look at this group, if you really look at the people, they're all young people. | ||
| They all look like Call of Duty players, actually. | ||
| I don't even see one old person over the age of 20, 30. Well, it's kind of hard to see, quite honestly. | ||
| You see some people in the front row, but everything back behind that gets really blurry. | ||
| You don't really see how close up other faces. | ||
| But the front row, yeah, definitely young people. | ||
| I think a lot of radical religions, they find people that are looking for guidance. | ||
| They find people that are looking for some sort of... | ||
| A clear pattern. | ||
| There's something about that guy talking. | ||
| He was so confident that everyone was going to raise their hand along with him. | ||
| And the things that he was saying, there's this appeal to being a part of that. | ||
| You're drawn to the idea of being a part of this crazy group that is so down for what they believe that they think that you should kill people with rocks if they don't follow some old writing. | ||
| There's something appealing about that. | ||
| It becomes something like you become a part of some badass group if you join up with that. | ||
| You become a serious person who really believes in God. | ||
| It appeals to a weird aspect of the human psyche. | ||
| What's that song that's playing in the background? | ||
| I don't hear anything. | ||
| Something from someone's laptop or something leaking over. | ||
| Soundtrack to Islam.net. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just to freak out white people. | ||
| They probably don't even like that music. | ||
| We want to freak them out. | ||
| It's like a televangelist is what I was trying to think of earlier, but that's what it seemed like. | ||
| Did it look like they were all on board with that, though? | ||
| Because there was a lot of hesitation, it seemed like, on some of their faces. | ||
| Well, that dude in the right-hand corner with his arms crossed. | ||
| Yeah, that motherfucker never, that guy never raised his hands. | ||
| He's just looking at the ground, too. | ||
| He looks pretty Russian. | ||
| But a lot of them were kind of laughing a little bit, like they weren't even, like, I don't know if we do 100% believe this. | ||
| Well, I don't know about that. | ||
| I think you guys are looking into that. | ||
| When that dummy to the right side, because Islam is the truth. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| And Christianity and Judaism are not the truth. | ||
| Very nice. | ||
| You shut up, you dummy. | ||
| You're just trying to get friends. | ||
| You don't have any friends. | ||
| You don't have friends to be on your side. | ||
| You're old. | ||
| You're old and you're pretending that makes sense. | ||
| You don't have anybody that talks to you. | ||
| If you get that stupid beard and a pair of glasses and a fucking blazer on like you're a college professor and you say that in front of a group of people and don't know that it sounds retarded, you don't have any friends. | ||
| Did you know that there's an oculiff rift porn now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I heard. | |
| And it's connected to a fleshlight device. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I heard. | |
| And then you just sit there and you get fucked. | ||
| I heard. | ||
| What is the guy seeing? | ||
| He's seeing an anime character that he's fucking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, wow. | |
| That's so crazy. | ||
| And the more he fucks her, the more he... | ||
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
| And it's very South Park-like anime. | ||
| Ew, I don't want to see that guy's dick. | ||
| I just know that you're going to see some bass. | ||
| BASS! How low can you go? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a matter of time before they have a robot that fucks you. | ||
| I wonder if it'll be that first, or it'll be the new thing that Motorola came up with. | ||
| Have you seen this? | ||
| It's a patent for a tattoo. | ||
| That they're going to tattoo a microphone on your voice box. | ||
| Like some sort of electronic tattoo. | ||
| So they're going to literally implant, they're going to start implanting microphones on people's necks. | ||
| And with that, you're going to be able to talk directly to the device without any distortion or sound. | ||
| These aren't the droids we're looking at. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| That's how it starts. | ||
| I mean, this is how it starts. | ||
| That's exactly how it starts. | ||
| It's more like by your command. | ||
| It'd be cool for people that have problems talking, you know, like with throat cancer or something like that. | ||
| No, it won't. | ||
| It won't have any barrier. | ||
| It's not a voice box. | ||
| It's just to the computer chip. | ||
| Yeah, it's just a microphone. | ||
| It's only a microphone. | ||
| See, they're going to tattoo that shit gangster style on your neck. | ||
| Like an Ethan Hawke movie. | ||
| Like an Ethan Hawke movie back when girls wanted to fuck him. | ||
| He probably did a few of these movies. | ||
| Back when he was still kind of cute. | ||
| Now he's like a dad. | ||
| He's a dad in a horror movie a lot. | ||
| But back then he was a cutie. | ||
| He was a cute, smart guy. | ||
| He was going to rescue you. | ||
| Because you have that tattoo on your neck and it starts glowing. | ||
| Which means your life tokens are up or something. | ||
| Did I just make a plot for a new hit? | ||
| Someone call Michael Bay. | ||
| It's a great idea. | ||
| Are you going to go see Thor? | ||
| Oh yeah, I would love to see Thor. | ||
| I love those movies. | ||
| I was a huge Marvel Comics fan growing up, so I see every one of those fucking things. | ||
| Iron Man, Thor, what have you. | ||
| I enjoyed Iron Man 3. I thought it was kind of interesting. | ||
| It wasn't as good as Iron Man 2, but it's still a good ride. | ||
| Same thing with Wolverine. | ||
| I love the new Wolverine. | ||
| It wasn't as good as the last one, but it was alright. | ||
| You thought Origins was better than this new one? | ||
| Yeah, I thought it was. | ||
| I thought that one with the bones coming out of his knuckles. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| There's a little... | ||
| But the Avengers, the Hulk scene alone for the Avengers was worth the price of admission. | ||
| They have the Hulk down. | ||
| For the longest time, they used to have to get a dude pretending to be the Hulk. | ||
| That was bullshit. | ||
| But now they can CGI the shit out of the Hulk. | ||
| It's the only thing that works with CGI better than it works in real life. | ||
| Because the Hulk is supposed to be this freakish thing that doesn't even look remotely like a person. | ||
| It's not supposed to be a bodybuilder. | ||
| The new one, the new Hulk is the shit, dude. | ||
| Yeah, I was worried about that at first, because I kind of liked Edward Norton playing it, and then I saw, and he fucking knocked it out of the park. | ||
| It was awesome. | ||
| Edward Norton can suck it. | ||
| After you see the new one, yeah. | ||
| It's over, bitch. | ||
| What's the guy's name? | ||
| Mark Ruffalo. | ||
| Mark Ruffalo. | ||
| Yeah, he's way better. | ||
| He nailed it. | ||
| He's way better. | ||
| I believe that he's going to turn to the Hulk. | ||
| That scene when he goes, the trick is I'm always angry? | ||
| Yeah, I believe it. | ||
| It's the best fucking scene of the movie. | ||
| I believe that that dude's just barely keeping it together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And when he turns, man, it's... | ||
| Fucking fantastic. | ||
| But I didn't buy Scarlett Johansson surviving that. | ||
| Bitch, please. | ||
| All you got is some fucking flippy moves. | ||
| You got some gymnastics. | ||
| You got the Hulk chasing you, running through walls, and you just managed to survive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you been watching S.H.I.E.L.D.? Suspension of disbelief. | |
| Have you been watching Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. on NBC? No. | ||
| Is it any good? | ||
| Or whatever channel it's on. | ||
| I'm watching too many shows, dude. | ||
| But that one guy is in the show, the one that died in the Avengers. | ||
| Carlson. | ||
| Yeah, how the... | ||
| He died in the Avengers? | ||
| Yeah, I remember. | ||
| They make you think he does. | ||
| They give you like the playing card or something, right? | ||
| With blood on it. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| They can do whatever the fuck they want. | ||
| They bring people back with time machines and shit. | ||
| It's comic books. | ||
| You believe it's Thor? | ||
| You believe it's really Thor? | ||
| I was just about to say that. | ||
| A guy came from another planet and our problem is there's a guy that maybe died. | ||
| Man, I'm not buying this. | ||
| This fucking show is over. | ||
| I buy that little skinny scientist guy could become a huge, hulking, 8,000-pound green man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But not Scarlett Johansson doing backflips. | |
| Yeah, I don't buy that. | ||
| The Hulk can fly through the air, but he can't catch Scarlett Johansson as she does gymnastics to get away from him. | ||
| He literally can leaf like a bullet through the air, and he can't catch her. | ||
| Bitch. | ||
| Continuity, you fucks! | ||
| How about a little continuity? | ||
| How about write something that makes more sense and don't have that scene? | ||
| Asshole. | ||
| I thought the best shit was Captain America and Iron Man duking it out. | ||
| In the woods? | ||
| Upset with each other. | ||
| Yeah, that was cool. | ||
| Well, it was Iron Man and Captain America. | ||
| They were talking shit to each other. | ||
| Remember? | ||
| It was Thor and Captain America. | ||
| Thor and Iron Man went to war, right? | ||
| But Captain America and Iron Man were talking shit to each other. | ||
| Because Captain America was like, yeah, we'll sue who you are without that machine. | ||
| He's like, bitch, you're on steroids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Captain America was like a little skinny guy. | ||
| They gave him, like, the super-roids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The serum. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| This is a stupid fucking argument we're having here. | ||
| That was a great scene. | ||
| Those are good movies, man. | ||
| They're fun. | ||
| They're stupid. | ||
| They're fun. | ||
| And when they're over, you feel like a boy again. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You feel like you just watched something retarded. | ||
| Nobody cried. | ||
| You didn't have to fucking explain yourself afterwards. | ||
| Well, I felt like she was being unfair to him because his whole... | ||
| There's that some ending you have to interpret? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not interested. | ||
| Shit got blown up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Women like to interpret films after they're over. | ||
| Guys like to try to fuck you, which I do. | ||
| We take you to a movie. | ||
| We're just trying to give you something fun to do before we fuck you. | ||
| It's very nice of us. | ||
| Or at least try to fuck you. | ||
| I mean, maybe you want to see it. | ||
| Is Bad Grandpa good? | ||
| That looks good. | ||
| I heard that was amazing. | ||
| Is it funny? | ||
| Yeah, everyone that saw it said it was amazing. | ||
| It looks fucking hilarious, too. | ||
| A lot of it in Columbus, Ohio, was filmed, too, by the way. | ||
| Fun fact. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yep. | ||
| A lot of dumb people know how to pull their shit off. | ||
| They don't realize that's Johnny Knoxville. | ||
| They're like, what are you, retarded? | ||
| They haven't even gotten the first jackass yet. | ||
| Yeah, if you don't know, that's the amazing thing they can do now with makeup. | ||
| Even back when Jamie Kennedy had that show, the Jamie Kennedy experience, the makeup was a little sketchy. | ||
| You had to be kind of gullible to fall for it, but now he looks like an old guy, man. | ||
| It's perfect. | ||
| I would really like to see it in person. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Have you ever seen that kind of makeup on somebody? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| Oh, you have? | ||
| Yeah, I have. | ||
| I saw when Kevin James was doing Here Comes the Boom, they made him up like he got the shit kicked out of him. | ||
| Dude, I believed it. | ||
| Totally believed it. | ||
| He looked like a guy who just got beat up. | ||
| They gave him, like, welts, they put him cuts, and it was amazing. | ||
| They can make you look pretty fucked up. | ||
| And they can, you know, they can do some pretty amazing shit, like with making you look old, especially. | ||
| You can't make an old guy look young. | ||
| You gotta do that with, like, special effects. | ||
| But you can make a young guy look old pretty easy. | ||
| That would be cool if they could make old guys look young now. | ||
| It never looks right. | ||
| It never looks right in the movies when they do that. | ||
| This thing that I've been doing for my back, this Regino Keen... | ||
| And anybody, if you have... | ||
| If anybody has a back injury and, like, a bulging disc situation... | ||
| My bulging disc has completely gone away. | ||
| And I just found this out through MRIs. | ||
| I had a 6mm bulging disc in my neck that was numbing my fingers. | ||
| And through spinal decompression, which is this thing where it pulls in your neck and extends your discs, and they draw back in. | ||
| And you do it slowly over a long period of time. | ||
| A lot of stretching, changing my diet, a lot of rolfing and all that stuff. | ||
| And something called prolozone therapy, which is prolo therapy, which strengthens ligaments and tendons. | ||
| And it's mixed with ozone, which helps you heal. | ||
| Just doing all that stuff, my disc has completely stopped swelling. | ||
| It's gone down to where it looks like a normal disc now, which is crazy. | ||
| That means six millimeters went back in. | ||
| And I didn't do jujitsu for more than six months. | ||
| So I knew that I wasn't... | ||
| I just gave myself the time. | ||
| I was still able to work out in a lot of ways, but I knew that if I got my neck yanked on again, it would probably go right back. | ||
| Are you going to go back to Jiu Jitsu, you think? | ||
| Yeah, definitely. | ||
| But now this Regino Keen stuff that I've been doing is this thing that they developed in Germany, and it's this blood spinning procedure. | ||
| They take your blood and then they introduce it to heat. | ||
| And the heat makes your blood grow like white blood cells, I believe. | ||
| And then they spin it in a centrifuge and they draw this yellow liquid out of it that turns out to be like the most potent anti-inflammatory drug known to man. | ||
| Your own body makes it. | ||
| Your blood makes it. | ||
| They figured this shit out in Germany. | ||
| And they do it in Santa Monica now. | ||
| But the guy in Germany has figured out a way to... | ||
| They're very close to being able to give you an injection that restarts your body's production of collagen, which is what gives people wrinkles. | ||
| So when old dudes get wrinkles or old women get wrinkles, this will let your body restart its collagen production and your wrinkles in your face will start to disappear. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They're two years away from curing wrinkles. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Fuck cancer, we got wrinkles down. | ||
| That's how vain we are as a country. | ||
| They're gonna have a lot of things down by then. | ||
| You're still gonna die, but you're gonna look great. | ||
| They cure a lot of fucking cancer now, man. | ||
| A lot of cancer. | ||
| When they pull this out of you, they just inject it back in? | ||
| They spin it in a centrifuge. | ||
| If you just look up the Regenokine, I think it's R-E-G-E-N-O-K-I-N-E, they explain the process. | ||
| I think it has a different name in German. | ||
| It's called Orthokine or something like that. | ||
| But basically, it's a blood spinning procedure. | ||
| It's not like platelet-rich plasma. | ||
| It's different. | ||
| And it's getting your blood to react to heat. | ||
| And then they spin it, and they withdraw the stuff out of it. | ||
| And people with arthritis, people that have serious injuries. | ||
| Peyton Manning started his football career. | ||
| He was almost retiring. | ||
| He had two neck surgeries. | ||
| Went to that dude in Germany. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| Playing football like a champ now. | ||
| I know several MMA athletes that have gone over there. | ||
| The place in Santa Monica and the place in Germany. | ||
| They get their knees fixed. | ||
| People with serious arthritis, they get shot with this stuff. | ||
| And within a week, they have this incredible range of motion that they haven't had in years. | ||
| It's amazing stuff. | ||
| These doctors are so fucking smart, man. | ||
| There's just like every year, they're figuring out some new thing. | ||
| And every year, they're making people healthier, fixing injuries. | ||
| I keep hearing that sound. | ||
| I think it's outside. | ||
| It's not coming through the microphone, it's coming through outside somewhere. | ||
| Yeah, I think it might be like a UPS truck thing or something. | ||
| Maybe squeaky wheels. | ||
| But it's just, it's so incredible when you see all the different shit. | ||
| Did you see that thing where a guy made a 3D, in a 3D printer, made an artificial hand for his son? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, for like 10 bucks. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| They also figured out a way to make the first functional gun in a metal 3D printer. | ||
| They made a metal 3D printer and they made a pistol and fired off 50 rounds of this pistol. | ||
| That's scary, though. | ||
| Fuck yeah, it is. | ||
| That's fucking terrifying. | ||
| It's all crazy. | ||
| Is this the hand that this guy had? | ||
| He created this? | ||
| If you look at a $10 hand. | ||
| It's hard to see what that is. | ||
| Brady Pinner's good boy hand. | ||
| His hand is holding that object. | ||
| Hand he never had. | ||
| That's the metal things are his fingers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, he's holding something, like a pipe or something. | ||
| But we're really close. | ||
| I met a guy in New York when I was doing that. | ||
| See if you can click on that link and show the video. | ||
| I met a guy in New York when we were doing that sci-fi show that had a complete artificial hand. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Ten bucks. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Made it with a fucking digital printer. | ||
| It cost me $50 to get headshots printed at Kinko's the other day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Headshots. | |
| Headshots. | ||
| This guy got a fucking hand. | ||
| Headshots are hilarious. | ||
| This one guy in Australia got his leg and his arm bitten off by a shark. | ||
| And he got a new artificial arm and an artificial leg. | ||
| These robotic bionic carbon fiber arms and legs. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| And he walks around, dude, with no limp. | ||
| It's the weirdest shit ever. | ||
| Let me find this. | ||
| Man gets artificial limbs after bitten off by a shark. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's see if we can find this. | |
| Yeah, giant shark... | ||
| Ooh, nope. | ||
| Killed. | ||
| Killed South African. | ||
| German tourists on life support after losing arm in Hawaii. | ||
| Wow, there's a lot of fucking people who get killed by sharks, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Reek! | |
| Bionic leg helps shark attack victim walk. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| No, not in it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is it. | |
| Matt Lauer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
To what is being called the world's first bionic man. | |
| We're going to check him out in action in just a minute, but first, how the bionic man came to be. | ||
| No way. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| That's not right. | ||
| Matt Lauer's the bionic man. | ||
| That was creepy, wasn't it? | ||
| Oh, 100% biotic, man. | ||
| That's kind of interesting. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a nearly bionic man assembled from prosthetics and artificial parts already in real use in real people. | |
| We might change what it means to be human. | ||
| Artificial heart, artificial trachea, artificial bionic hands, artificial eyesight, implantable kidney, artificial blood, bionic exoskeleton, restoring walking ability to people who are paralyzed. | ||
| 28 different parts in all together for the first time. | ||
| Bertolt Meyer, a Swiss social psychologist, hosts an upcoming special on the project. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, we're only a few hundred years away from not being able to tell whether or not a person's a robot. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| In 200 years? | ||
| I think... | ||
| I'm not... | ||
| That's not even a conservative gamble. | ||
| 200 years is... | ||
| It's probably not even 100, really. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And when I say 200 years, I mean, that's like... | ||
| That's 100%, right? | ||
| If we don't blow ourselves up, 200 years from now. | ||
| Right, if we make it to 200 years. | ||
| They're already living among us, guys. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Just think about 200 years ago, slavery was legal. | ||
| Wrap your head around that. | ||
| Could you imagine what we're going to see when we're super old? | ||
| What we're going to tell our kids and grandkids? | ||
| 200 years ago, no photographs? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| No cars. | ||
| Slavery is legal. | ||
| You're riding around animals like an asshole. | ||
| You have a horse. | ||
| You take your stupid, stinky horse everywhere and you have to tie it up. | ||
| It shits all over the place. | ||
| You know what outer space was. | ||
| You don't know what the fuck that is. | ||
| It's a bunch of fucking gods up there lighting candles. | ||
| Yeah, nobody knew. | ||
| 200 years ago, it's so long ago when you think of like, if you had to go back in time and live like people lived 200 years ago, it would suck a fat one. | ||
| It wouldn't even be a little fun. | ||
| Everybody would die. | ||
| Every time the flu comes into town, all your best friends are dead. | ||
| Dead. | ||
| Dead. | ||
| You don't live. | ||
| If you get an infection, dead. | ||
| You just gotta survive at that point. | ||
| 200 years later, we're talking about 200 years from now where there's robots that you literally can't tell if it's a person or a robot. | ||
| For sure, right? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| And no wrinkles. | ||
| I think they're already here. | ||
| Do you think that robot prostitutes will be the first market? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Probably, right? | ||
| Violence or sex? | ||
| How much blowback do you think there will be with robot prostitutes if women, you know, will women, like, draw a line in the sand that fucking robot is a cheating thing? | ||
| I'm sure they'll find a way to justify that. | ||
| Yeah, like, when will it come? | ||
| Like, okay, let's say, like, what if the robot looks like this alien head? | ||
| Doesn't look remotely like a person. | ||
| Looks fake as fuck. | ||
| If the robot looks like this, By the way, that one that you sent me today or last night, that's amazing. | ||
| Same guy. | ||
| Wow, that was crazy. | ||
| Yeah, that's a zombie that he made for us. | ||
| I can't wait to see that in person. | ||
| Can normal people order these? | ||
| Well, I'll find out. | ||
| I'll find out what his deal is. | ||
| His name is Francisco Hernandez, and he's in LA. He's an LA guy. | ||
| But he made me this fucking dope-ass zombie that's coming here in this week. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, it's so cool to just be able to get artists to create shit for us. | ||
| It's so cool. | ||
| So many different things. | ||
| I've got to bring the gorilla in the... | ||
| The werewolf fucking the gorilla in the ass. | ||
| I still have that at home. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah. | |
| The guy just shows up at the fucking ice house. | ||
| I'm like, what is this? | ||
| I open it up. | ||
| It's a fucking werewolf fucking a gorilla in the ass. | ||
| The greatest thing. | ||
| Because of an idea that I had, a dream I had once. | ||
| It was a werewolf and a gorilla having sex, and I was trying to creep around the outside of the room so they didn't notice and get out of there. | ||
| That dude made me the death squad cat, but he has a huge hog, like a big dick. | ||
| That dude's a freak. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| That dude's a freak. | ||
| So back to what you were saying, so something as ugly as like, they would still get mad if we had sex with it. | ||
| Yeah, that's what I'm saying. | ||
| If it looks like a fake thing, women probably would treat it like a fleshlight. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But as it gets closer and closer to a real person. | ||
| If it looks like Robbie the Robot from Lost in Space, danger! | ||
| Danger! | ||
| You can stick your dick in that. | ||
| No one's going to say anything. | ||
| Would they let you print out a face of her, though? | ||
| So if it looks just like your wife? | ||
| Yeah, but then you come home, her face is covered in seven inches of cum. | ||
| You never clean it. | ||
| You just keep shooting on her face. | ||
| And she's like, what are you doing? | ||
| Are you trying to drown me? | ||
| Is this some passive-aggressive shit? | ||
| Trying to drown me and cum? | ||
| Or you're married to a brunette and you come home and the robot's blonde. | ||
| And that's when she just freaks the fuck out. | ||
| You come home, you're putting black face on your robot. | ||
| Your wife is like, what the fuck do you really want? | ||
| It's like, I knew it! | ||
| Did you know a teacher got fired in Toronto because he dressed up like Mr. T for Halloween and put blackface on? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you can't be Mr. T without it. | ||
| How the fuck? | ||
| That is so dumb. | ||
| A guy has a Mr. T outfit on and he's not allowed to darken his skin. | ||
| What kind of bullshit PC world are we living in? | ||
| Somebody in San Diego, the same thing happened because he dressed up as a bobsled team member. | ||
| And a bobsled team member actually said, oh no, that's funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I like that. | |
| Look, I'm going to take the opposite on this. | ||
| All sympathies to that, but if you're a teacher and you know how sensitive people are, when you're pulling your Mr. T costume out of the closet, you've got to go, you know what, I probably shouldn't do this. | ||
| Yeah, but your mayor smokes crack and wants to kill Mike Tyson. | ||
| Yeah, no kidding. | ||
| As you're applying backface as a teacher, you should go, yeah, this is probably not going to sit well with people. | ||
| Assholes. | ||
| I love Toronto. | ||
| Toronto's the shit. | ||
| Toronto is the shit. | ||
| It's an amazing, amazing city. | ||
| It's really crazy because it's like a city, but yet it's also like a bunch of really nice people. | ||
| It's almost like small town-y. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| I think it's one of the rare cities in this country that has a very unique vibe of its own. | ||
| Vancouver has a vibe of its own as well. | ||
| Montreal has a vibe of its own as well. | ||
| Very great vibe too. | ||
| Montreal's a great comedy town. | ||
| But Toronto, I think it's my favorite city in Canada. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me too. | |
| There's just something special about that place. | ||
| I would move there even though it's cold as fuck. | ||
| That's how much I love Toronto. | ||
| Like if shit got weird, I don't know if I'd live in Vancouver. | ||
| I think I might live in Vancouver, but Vancouver, even though it doesn't get cold, it gets like a lot of rainy and shit and... | ||
| Toronto's pretty dope. | ||
| And it's got a great comedy community as well. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Toronto's got a suite. | ||
| It's a lot of comics there. | ||
| Joey Diaz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck? | |
| Don't put me on speakerphone. | ||
| I have something to tell you. | ||
| Can't be calling me in the middle of a podcast, Joey. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| I just noticed we have the exact same phone, but yours is black with a white case, and mine's white with a black case. | ||
| Want to swap cases? | ||
| You want a black case? | ||
| Oh no, I wanted to contrast it. | ||
| Oh, you're crazy. | ||
| I like the white case because I can see it. | ||
| Because I put the black case down, everything's black, black leather, black... | ||
| Yeah, I don't see it as much. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| I got this because they didn't have the black, but then once I ordered the black in the mail, I put the black on and said, you know what, I like the white better. | ||
| But that case is the perfect case. | ||
| It's kind of cool too when you close it, like the window on the outside of it. | ||
| It shows the... | ||
| It makes a window. | ||
| Yeah, it does a weird thing. | ||
| You have things like camera access. | ||
| You can just access your camera. | ||
| There's so much more you can do with these droid phones than with an iPhone. | ||
| I mean, it's a big goddamn difference. | ||
| I'm about to jump over. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, I hate my iPhone. | ||
| Well, I don't hate the iPhone. | ||
| It's just too small. | ||
| The screen is just... | ||
| When you compare it even to the Galaxy S4, it's just too small. | ||
| They just need to catch up. | ||
| They need to catch up. | ||
| I don't think they're going to. | ||
| The thing that I... One of the other reasons why I wanted to try a Droid out is because when I'm honest and I look at it, I think Apple makes the greatest computers on Earth. | ||
| I don't see myself switching from the Apple laptops. | ||
| I've tried Windows. | ||
| I think they're too vulnerable. | ||
| I know Mac is vulnerable as well. | ||
| I don't think it's as vulnerable. | ||
| And I just think it's higher quality. | ||
| I think they work better. | ||
| If I was on a budget, fuck yeah, I'd get a laptop from Windows. | ||
| I'd get a Lenovo or something like that. | ||
| There's some good brands. | ||
| But if you can afford it, Apple's are better. | ||
| But then I see all the different people that are working on phones. | ||
| And I go, you know what? | ||
| I don't see it with phones anymore. | ||
| With phones, I see too many companies... | ||
| That are working on Android. | ||
| Too many. | ||
| There's too much competition. | ||
| They're constantly innovating. | ||
| They're constantly cranking out new phones. | ||
| They have new features. | ||
| They have new camera megapixels. | ||
| What is this megapixel on this fucking camera? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's pretty good though. | ||
| Some insane like 12 or some shit like that. | ||
| I don't even know what it is. | ||
| I do think I like the iPhone's camera a lot better though. | ||
| Do you? | ||
| Yeah, after using it a lot... | ||
| Do you fuck with the settings, though? | ||
| Well, I have iPhone 5S, and the camera, they have a really nice lens in this one. | ||
| Better? | ||
| Yeah, it's way better than the... | ||
| I've been taking test shoots and stuff like that. | ||
| Still better, I think. | ||
| That's too bad. | ||
| Why don't they come out with a bigger fucking phone? | ||
| I would go back. | ||
| It's coming. | ||
| Cunt bags. | ||
| I bet it's coming. | ||
| Dirty bitches. | ||
| Get it together. | ||
| I actually talked to somebody that knows, like their friend works for Apple. | ||
| You're going to get them fired. | ||
| I don't know the person in real life. | ||
| I was just talking to him, and he's like, yeah, he's saying how just sad it is right now. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It's just like everyone that even works there is kind of not just excited. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he's dead. | |
| When a guy like Steve Jobs is not alive anymore, things are going to get weird. | ||
| That guy was like a primal force. | ||
| He was like a force of nature. | ||
| The guy literally lived and breathed that company. | ||
| And when a guy like that, I mean, he only took like a dollar in salary every year. | ||
| I mean, he was like a maniac, you know? | ||
| He lived for that fucking company. | ||
| And everybody says that he was a cunt and like you would yell at employees and shit, but could you imagine if you were like an incredibly obsessed motherfucker and your employees were just regular people just going to work? | ||
| You're like, yeah, they ain't got to cut it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, you got to be obsessed like me. | ||
| I'm like, God's an asshole. | ||
| And he is an asshole. | ||
| You know, if people are having a job, they shouldn't have to work 90 hours a week. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| But there's some companies that demand crazy shit like that. | ||
| And then eventually employees, like, wake up and go, what the fuck am I doing? | ||
| Speaking of which, Cliffy B's coming on the podcast. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yay! | |
| He'll be on soon. | ||
| Speaking of free agents... | ||
| There's an app that I don't want to talk about. | ||
| Don't talk about it then, bitch. | ||
| Put his picture up on the screen. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you? | ||
| What's wrong with you? | ||
| I want to tell you about it. | ||
| Everyone else is going to talk about it very soon, so I don't know if we should even wait. | ||
| What's the issue? | ||
| It's just one of these apps that, you know, as a guy you can't use, but girls can, and I've been trying to hack the system, like make fake Facebook pages and all this stuff just so I can... | ||
| Oh, I know what you're talking about. | ||
| I know exactly what you're talking about. | ||
| We'll talk about this afterwards. | ||
| I don't even know what the fuck we're saying. | ||
| It's really bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| Justin Foster, what has the process been like of moving from Dallas to L.A.? Was there any hiccups along the way? | ||
| It was just frustrating at first. | ||
| Because, I mean, moving as a comic, because when you're in a place for so long and you're used to regular stage time, you're used to doing... | ||
| And then you come here and at first it's like two minutes at a coffee shop and then waiting around two hours to do three minutes. | ||
| So that was kind of frustrating. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Because I wanted to be up more, I guess. | ||
| But then after a while, this is the spots that you hit and everything. | ||
| Did you feel like, was there any point in time where you felt like, you know what, I'm just fucking spinning my wheels. | ||
| I gotta get back to Texas. | ||
| I gotta get back to Texas and try to... | ||
| No. | ||
| There was a couple of times when I came really close, money-wise. | ||
| I'm like, fuck, I'm running out of money. | ||
| I don't want to be homeless. | ||
| But then something would come up. | ||
| And I felt... | ||
| There was more of a challenge here, because you do have to start over, I believe, as a comic. | ||
| Anywhere else in the country, when you come to LA, you have to start, unless you're already established TV and shit, which I'm not. | ||
| You have to start over from the beginning, and I kind of hated slash enjoyed that. | ||
| Yeah, even when I was on TV, when I came here, I was already on TV, and I had an audition at the store. | ||
| I didn't get passed. | ||
| I was a non-paid regular for a few months, and then I finally got paid regular status, and I got late night spots. | ||
| But yeah, you gotta pay your dues, man. | ||
| I didn't give a shit if you had a sitcom. | ||
| No one gives a fuck how long you've been doing it in what other town. | ||
| If you're not doing it in LA, you're not really doing it. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's a different thing. | ||
| It's also, there's so many people out here, they can't just trust you that you're good. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's just too many. | ||
| I mean, you're going to go up at the comedy store or the Laugh Factory, and there's going to be 10 guys that have been on movies, TV shows, and back to back to back to back to back, and all doing 15 minutes, you know? | ||
| And you want your 15 minutes? | ||
| You've got to earn that shit. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| And so it's easy to get frustrated at first and go, ah, fuck this, I'm going back home. | ||
| But then everybody I talked to was like, you just gotta fight through all that shit. | ||
| How long you been here now? | ||
| Almost two. | ||
| Two years. | ||
| You gotta do one of our Ice House shows. | ||
| I'd love to. | ||
| I love that place. | ||
| Yeah, we'll probably do one not this Wednesday coming up, but next Wednesday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cool. | |
| Most likely, if I got the time. | ||
| Can I bring up the new show that I'm doing at the Ice House? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's this new show called Thunder Pussy that I do. | ||
| Of course it is. | ||
| It's called Thunder Pussy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Who are you doing it with? | ||
| Jeremiah Watkins, a very funny comic. | ||
| He's been doing this show for a while in Hollywood, and I got to do it once, and I'm like, we need to make this big. | ||
| What we do is we take seven comics and then we all go up on stage and people from the audience yell out things like microwave. | ||
| And then we kind of have to try to just make up comedy on the spot. | ||
| But it's a live podcast also. | ||
| Comics have been asking me for a while or people have been asking me for a while to put a podcast up That shows stand-up comedy. | ||
| And it's like, no one wants to throw their material away like that. | ||
| So this is a perfect way that comics can go on stage, kind of show their improv skills, you know, and they don't care if it's online. | ||
| And I've been getting a lot of new material from it, from doing it. | ||
| You know, like, I've got two new bits off just people yelling shit out. | ||
| Yeah, that totally makes sense. | ||
| Got it! | ||
| That totally makes sense. | ||
| Especially, like, I used to do that after shows. | ||
| I used to do Q&As. | ||
| But the problem with that is, like, you've already done, like, an hour and ten minutes of actual comedy, then trying to make some funny out of the Q&A. Like, sometimes it'd be a drop-off. | ||
| They'd be like, crushing, crushing, you know, everything was laugh, laugh, laugh, and then question and answer was, like, just Dragged out and weird and you didn't know how to end it. | ||
| Then you end it and people are like, oh, is that good? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It was great for an hour and ten minutes and then it just became, you know. | ||
| You'd be fucking good at that, Joe. | ||
| Yeah, I would do it. | ||
| I'll definitely do it. | ||
| When do you guys do it? | ||
| Usually it's Friday. | ||
| We have Ice House Chronicles, you know, but now we're doing every other Friday we're doing Thunder Pussy. | ||
| But we'll do it whenever you want to do it. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know if Friday will ever work. | ||
| Like a lot of times on Friday, I'm either working or... | ||
| But we'll do it one day eventually. | ||
| I'm going to do it so high I can't talk. | ||
| Yeah, that's how I do it. | ||
| I get so drunk and stoned. | ||
| And then I just go crazy. | ||
| And it's fun because I've gotten so much... | ||
| It's a fun show, man. | ||
| Yeah, it seems like the place to put yourself. | ||
| When you know you don't have an act to remember, that'd be the perfect place to put yourself. | ||
| No stress. | ||
| And knowing you're only going to be up there for like five minutes or ten minutes or whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| And if you fuck up, it's like, well, you guys should have picked something better to yell out. | ||
| Yeah, and if you fuck up, that's exactly right. | ||
| This is on y'all. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you can have some fun times doing that with the right crowds too, especially if the crowd develops a feel for it. | ||
| And who's the kid who you do it with again? | ||
| Jeremiah Watkins, very funny guy. | ||
| Where's he from? | ||
| He's got a strong background. | ||
| I believe he's from California, but he's got a strong improv background. | ||
| Yeah, he was on my podcast last week. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Oh yeah, what's your podcast? | ||
| You've got a podcast too? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Everyone's got a podcast. | |
| I figured there wasn't enough comics in LA doing podcasts. | ||
| Yeah, there's no one. | ||
| You're amazing. | ||
| How'd you figure out how to do it? | ||
| I just figured it was an undepth market. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| Foster the Podcast. | ||
| Foster the Podcast. | ||
| That's a kind of double entendre. | ||
| Yeah, it's basically just people come on and tell like a really quick, awful story that most of them aren't comfortable with telling. | ||
| That's what you're... | ||
| That's it. | ||
| That's all it is? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, that's funny. | ||
| It's like 15 to 20 minutes. | ||
| Why do you always do that? | ||
| It just entertains. | ||
| It's funny to see and hear shit, because you think, oh, I've heard everything, and then somebody else will come on, and you'll be like, oh, okay, I haven't. | ||
| Do you worry that you're going to run out of people coming up with crazy stories, though? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, not in this town. | ||
| Not in this fucking town. | ||
| Not in this town. | ||
| Plus, if people find out there's a venue for something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| All right, Foster the Podcast. | ||
| So they're real quick ones. | ||
| Yeah, I think the longest one was like 30 minutes. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Beautiful. | ||
| So yeah, we'll get you on a nice House Chronicle. | ||
| I remember you were really funny when we saw you in Texas. | ||
| No, thanks. | ||
| You don't suck now, do you? | ||
| No, no, actually. | ||
| Did you get better? | ||
| I've actually gotten better, yeah. | ||
| And that's another thing being out here, too. | ||
| It makes you better. | ||
| Yeah, well, you gotta be inspired when you're out here. | ||
| There's so many great comics. | ||
| We can get comfortable doing the same set all over and over and kind of move into a new place. | ||
| Like, alright, I gotta step it up a little bit. | ||
| You can get comfortable at any time. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| I'm constantly terrified of that. | ||
| It's important. | ||
| Whenever I do something, after it's done, I fucking hate it. | ||
| Because I'm on to the next thing. | ||
| I'm hypercritical about it. | ||
| Get it away from me. | ||
| And then move on to the next one. | ||
| And that motivates me every time to make the next one better. | ||
| Whether I get there or not, arguable. | ||
| Sometimes it's just like... | ||
| You've got to figure out what topics have the most juice in them. | ||
| You might have a lot of material, but there's topics that just don't have the same... | ||
| People are just not as interested in as other ones. | ||
| And you find one that really hits a high interest level, and then you could juice it up with big laughs, too. | ||
| It's got a bunch of things going on. | ||
| People are excited that you're talking about it, and then it's got a lot of funny laughs. | ||
| And then there's other ones you're trying to convince people of. | ||
| Where you feel like it's forced. | ||
| Yeah, sometimes. | ||
| And sometimes I think they're funny, but other people don't see my sense of humor. | ||
| It's not as fucked up as me or whatever it is. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And then I drag them through this dark alley that they don't want to go to after I, like, send them down this beautiful flower-filled road for half an hour. | ||
| And then I'm like, hey, take a left with me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they're like, ah. | |
| Yeah, let's talk about child molestation in TV commercials. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Look, the baby. | ||
| He has a beard. | ||
| He's driving a car with a grown woman. | ||
| What do you think's happening here? | ||
| Yeah, but stand-up comedy is just such a fucking open-ended thing. | ||
| It's one of my favorite parts about it. | ||
| You never know where your next idea's gonna come from, you never know where your next big bit's gonna come from, what it's gonna be about. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Do you write, like, as far as, like, stand-up, do you write stand-up in joke form, or do you write blogs and pull stand-up out? | ||
| No. | ||
| Ad-lib shit? | ||
| I still do, like, pen and paper in the morning at the coffee shop, you know, writing. | ||
| I try to go backwards of stuff, because when you first start, I feel it's like, joke, joke, joke, joke, and then after a while, you're like, okay, now I can actually go back and revisit some things and put into joke form. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That was a little, you know, people didn't really want to hear in the beginning. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Sometimes you have a good premise, but your skills are so shitty, you can't turn that good premise into a bit. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm doing something now. | ||
| When I was young, I was in a mental hospital for depression. | ||
| If I would have tried to do that bit a year in, it wouldn't... | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Especially if you try to do it in Texas. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Oh, you were depressed. | ||
| You couldn't suck enough dick. | ||
| How much dick you suck when you're in that hospital? | ||
| And then now it's like, well, I'm just open with it because I don't give a fuck anymore. | ||
| You open with that? | ||
| I did the other night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| It's like, well, here it is. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Why were you in a mental hospital? | ||
| I was just severely depressed. | ||
| How old were you? | ||
| I was like 13, 14. Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Damn. | ||
| It's just real, yeah. | ||
| But trying to talk about it in the beginning, people would never go along with it. | ||
| And now you're like, okay, it's okay now. | ||
| Here's this thing. | ||
| Did you know then that you wanted to be a stand-up? | ||
| My mom tells this story, and I don't remember this, but when I was in second grade, I was like an awful fucking student. | ||
| And the teacher was like, if he doesn't get it together, the only job he's going to be able to do is like a stand-up comedian. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| So I guess deep down, yeah, maybe by default. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's the worst motivation ever. | ||
| If he doesn't get it together, he's going to have the greatest job in the history of the world. | ||
| He's going to sleep in whenever he wants, fuck and drink every night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You're going to have fun. | ||
| You're going to make people laugh in a way that very few people ever get to experience in their life. | ||
| And you're going to get to do it twice a night on the weekends. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And never have a 9 to 5. Poor you. | ||
| People don't know. | ||
| I just did Edmonton, this River Creek Casino. | ||
| It's like 1,800 people. | ||
| Mobbed. | ||
| The laughs that come off 1,800 people when they're howling and you're killing, it's electric. | ||
| You get goosebumps on your goosebumps. | ||
| You're invincible. | ||
| Well, it's just you feel great and they feel great. | ||
| You feel like it's a good exchange. | ||
| You're happy that they're laughing. | ||
| It's an honest, happy exchange. | ||
| And you get to make it all happen. | ||
| They're sitting down there and they're watching and you get to make it all happen. | ||
| And watch the results instantly. | ||
| As long as you keep working at it, as long as you keep writing, you're going to have some good sets and some bad sets and you're going to have some good bits and some bad bits and if you put out 10 CDs... | ||
| One of them you're not going to like that much, or two of them, or someone who's going to be a fan, they're like, yeah, I didn't like that one, Justin. | ||
| It was just something about it. | ||
| You were all fucking weird and talking about flowers. | ||
| But overall, if you have the right mindset and you continue to create and you continue to write and perform, it just keeps happening. | ||
| It just keeps happening. | ||
| If you give it what it needs, you feed what it needs, it keeps happening. | ||
| And there's a lot of guys that are perfect examples of that, like Burr. | ||
| Like Bill Burr did an Ice House show last week, last Wednesday. | ||
| All new stuff, fucks around on stage, he's always fucking around, always writing. | ||
| And he had a really good point about writing too. | ||
| He's like, you should be able to come up with an hour a year because really all that is is 10 minutes a month. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, it's true. | ||
| Yeah, that's another guy just watching him, like, even, like, just working shit out. | ||
| It's fucking brilliant. | ||
| 10 minutes a month is 120 minutes a year. | ||
| So if you wrote, yeah, yeah. | ||
| So if you wrote one good joke a week... | ||
| 12 months, 10 minutes a month, 120 minutes a year. | ||
| I do about that. | ||
| Yeah, she don't do that. | ||
| 8 to 10? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop your fucking lying. | |
| You haven't seen me in a while. | ||
| Stop your fucking lying. | ||
| No, you have some good ideas, but the reality of bits is they're never done. | ||
| You've got to keep chopping away at them and editing them. | ||
| So what you say is like 45 minutes. | ||
| It's really 15. It's 15 monster minutes. | ||
| That's what... | ||
| When I have an hour... | ||
| Especially when you're bombing. | ||
| If I have an hour, yeah. | ||
| I don't really have an hour. | ||
| When I have an hour... | ||
| If I have an hour, I have 25 minutes of murder. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And I can turn that into an hour. | ||
| Or I can chop it into an assassinating 25 minutes. | ||
| And then sometimes extend. | ||
| Joe, you haven't seen me... | ||
| In a long time. | ||
| I'm sure you got way better and probably the greatest comedian ever now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no. | |
| I'm just saying you don't even know my material. | ||
| I saw you two weeks ago, bitch. | ||
| No, you didn't. | ||
| I saw you at the Ice House. | ||
| Yeah, you saw me, but you didn't see me doing my set. | ||
| Oh, my son of a bitch. | ||
| You saw audience members yelling out subjects to him? | ||
| I got the report back from the American Comedy Company. | ||
| Oh, cool. | ||
| I did awesome. | ||
| Yeah, I heard you did good. | ||
| I did really good. | ||
| I did awesome! | ||
| I really did. | ||
| I did awesome! | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| No, I did. | ||
| If you don't believe me, ask Justin. | ||
| I said I believed you. | ||
| I heard Sunday night was a little rough. | ||
| Oh, my guest sets? | ||
| The guest sets were different. | ||
| I'm in front of Brian Callen's crowd. | ||
| I just said I heard Sunday night was a little rough. | ||
| Yeah, okay, Joe. | ||
| So you know when there's somebody there to see you. | ||
| And then if there's somebody, other comic, just comes on stage that's not their crowd, you know it's going to be a little weird sometimes when you mix certain crowds with certain people. | ||
| Well, if people don't know you. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And I think with you, like we've already talked about this before, you get this Willy Wonka golden ticket where people already know you when you're starting out. | ||
| There's pressure in that, and it's also easier that way, too. | ||
| Yeah, but if you have a Sunday 8 o'clock show, it's not your audience. | ||
| And it's somebody else's audience that knows you from Hangover, and there's a lot of couples there that probably don't want to hear about fucking dolphins and cum and shit like that. | ||
| Well, there's a lot of people out there that don't want to hear about those things. | ||
| That's the beautiful thing about performing for people that don't know you. | ||
| One of the good things about doing pop-in shows, one thing that a lot of comics like to do is they like to go up on a show where people are not coming to see them. | ||
| Because that way they'll get a more honest reaction. | ||
| And sometimes it'll make you cultivate your bits for a new mind or for a new ear. | ||
| Someone who hasn't seen your stuff before. | ||
| But I also did five shows in the weekend, and all of them were amazing sets. | ||
| So amazing that the owner of the club wrote a three-page letter recommending me to other clubs. | ||
| Brian, don't brag, please. | ||
| It's so gross. | ||
| No, but you're just saying... | ||
| I hear it doing good. | ||
| You pretty much just said, hey, you did shitty in San Diego. | ||
| No, I didn't say you did shitty. | ||
| That's what you were saying. | ||
| What I was going to say is, I heard Sunday night was rough for not just you. | ||
| It was rough for a lot of other people, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| It was. | ||
| Those shows, they can be rough. | ||
| Those are good for you. | ||
| Oh, dude, nothing will make you stronger than just eating dick for 25 minutes. | ||
| A good rough set is not bad. | ||
| But I heard you did very well. | ||
| Calen said you did very well. | ||
| But it's kind of gross to brag about the owner saying you did so awesome. | ||
| Oh, I'm just saying that I did good this weekend. | ||
| I believe you. | ||
| But, you know. | ||
| And a lot of my set, you're saying I only have a 15-minute set. | ||
| You haven't seen me do any of my set for probably two months. | ||
| I didn't say you only have a 15-minute set. | ||
| I said if you say you have 50 new minutes, you really have 45 minutes means, in my eyes, 15 minutes. | ||
| It means you chop out a half an hour always. | ||
| Because how much of it is your best stuff? | ||
| How much of it is stuff that you're really happy with? | ||
| How much of it needs to be edited down? | ||
| That's just how I look at material, period. | ||
| And that's what I said about myself. | ||
| If I have an hour, I don't have an hour. | ||
| I have 25 minutes of murder. | ||
| That's what you have. | ||
| You chop things up. | ||
| And as you build up more time, that's why the difference between right after you release a special, the new hour that you work on, in the beginning, man, if it's an hour, it might only be 15 minutes that you really love. | ||
| It might be a lot of other stuff that you're ham and egging and song and dancing. | ||
| And then as time goes on, you start stacking and adding, and then it becomes something that you're really proud of. | ||
| That's a process you haven't gone through yet. | ||
| You haven't gone through the editing process. | ||
| You haven't gone through the process of creating an hour, chopping it down, eliminating certain bits, and then stretching it out to a real legit, beginning-to-end professional hour. | ||
| It takes a lot of work. | ||
| I have about an hour and 20 minutes now. | ||
| So I would say I have, like what you're saying... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe's face. | |
| Well, I mean, as an example, here's a bit I know. | ||
| I have a dolphin bit that I can do a 13-minute... | ||
| An eight-minute thing or a five-minute thing. | ||
| When I do the five-minute thing, it's like me rushing it, the whole thing. | ||
| Well, you shouldn't rush anything. | ||
| You don't have to rush it. | ||
| The seven- or eight-minute one is a good edited version, but the 13-minute one is more free. | ||
| It's kind of like one of your old-school bits where it's very comfortable to be in this playground, and when I go to the joke to the joke to the tag to the tag, it's very comfortable doing the 13-minute one. | ||
| But I do all three. | ||
| Every week I do at least one of those different versions, but it's always the 13 one that's really like, alright, that's the one that you need to do. | ||
| So I have censored and edited different bits. | ||
| It just depends on the show, how much time I have. | ||
| Okay, look, Brian, we all have different standards of editing. | ||
| We all have different what we think are legit bits and what we think are not legit bits. | ||
| What I think is a legit bit and you think is a legit bit, it's probably going to be very different. | ||
| I don't want to judge your material and I don't want to sit and break down your act and tell you what you should or shouldn't do. | ||
| But people have a problem when you start saying how this is awesome and you did so great. | ||
| No, I did. | ||
| I had great shows is what I'm saying. | ||
| The club owner's writing letters for you and you haven't seen me. | ||
| I'm doing awesome now. | ||
| I saw you recently. | ||
| It wasn't that long ago. | ||
| You did Vancouver with me. | ||
| That was a couple of months ago. | ||
| That's not that long ago. | ||
| Vancouver? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did a theater in Vancouver. | ||
| It wasn't that long ago. | ||
| August. | ||
| Yeah, four months ago. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's a few months ago. | ||
| Do you ever a bit just not work for no reason? | ||
| It just stops working? | ||
| Like a book just kills all of it? | ||
| It just stops? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| If you don't feel like it's... | ||
| You could have a bit that you don't feel like it works anymore. | ||
| Like it's not funny to you anymore. | ||
| Like it might have worked in the beginning because you saw the humor in it. | ||
| And then that adds a certain amount of push to a bit. | ||
| And if you all of a sudden decide that it's not for me anymore, but it still works, I'll keep doing it. | ||
| They can sense it. | ||
| That's why people are animals, man. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| I didn't say anything about you doing in Vancouver. | ||
| Brian, stop making this about you, man. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| I don't know why you're thinking I'm making about you. | ||
| You just changed the subject. | ||
| We were talking about creating bits, and out of nowhere, you're like, I did good in Vancouver. | ||
| You exactly made it about you. | ||
| Well, you just made it as a reference. | ||
| Like, I just saw you four months ago. | ||
| I'm saying I just saw you. | ||
| Look, come on, man. | ||
| How much better did you get in four months? | ||
| Did you get better in four months? | ||
| That's what I just said. | ||
| No, I don't want to talk about this, Brian. | ||
| You just interrupted a goddamn conversation where we're talking about stand-up comedy to make it about you. | ||
| That's what you just did. | ||
| We had gotten done talking about you. | ||
| We talked about you for a long time, and then we started talking about creating bits, and then you started, whoa, I was the... | ||
| But I did good in Vancouver. | ||
| So fucking what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ, man. | |
| But your point was that I didn't do good in Vancouver. | ||
| You did okay in Vancouver. | ||
| You were downstairs. | ||
| I saw you. | ||
| No, I saw you, Brian, and it was four months ago. | ||
| I saw it. | ||
| You're saying you're doing so much better now. | ||
| I mean, how much better did you really get in four months? | ||
| I did good in Vancouver is what I'm saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| So, I saw that. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Right? | ||
| We're good. | ||
| Don't get too attached, man. | ||
| You know, defining yourself like that, it's always ugly. | ||
| What? | ||
| You mean defending myself or defining? | ||
| Defining! | ||
| You're defining yourself as being good. | ||
| It's not defending, Brian. | ||
| I said I had a good set. | ||
| I'm not saying I'm amazing. | ||
| Like, I'm not saying, hey, I am the best comic in the world. | ||
| I'm not saying that. | ||
| You wanted to talk about you being good. | ||
| I'm saying I had good sets. | ||
| I'm saying I had good sets. | ||
| Do you not see the distasteful aspect of that? | ||
| That people would find that uncomfortable? | ||
| What, that I had a good set? | ||
| No. | ||
| You keep talking about it. | ||
| What do you mean talking about it? | ||
| I'm not... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You just fucking interrupted to say you did great in Vancouver. | |
| I interrupted 20 seconds after you saying something about me in Vancouver. | ||
| I said I saw you. | ||
| I didn't say it was bad. | ||
| I didn't say anything. | ||
| Well, you just said you think you've done better than Vancouver. | ||
| You think you've done that big of an improvement in four months. | ||
| That's saying that I wasn't doing good in Vancouver. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
| It's saying I saw you in Vancouver. | ||
| That's what it's saying. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm dropping. | |
| Never mind. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| It's not saying that you weren't good in Vancouver. | ||
| You're adding that yourself. | ||
| I said I saw you four months ago. | ||
| So if I saw you four months ago, roughly, I know what you're doing. | ||
| Yeah, and what you're getting at is I didn't do good in Vancouver. | ||
| That's not what I said! | ||
| I said I saw it! | ||
| You're saying you're doing so great. | ||
| I'm like, I saw you four months ago. | ||
| That's what I saw. | ||
| Well, you might want to re-listen to it because how you said it really wasn't clear. | ||
| No, because Brian, I don't like when you want to talk about yourself and how great you do. | ||
| I'm not trying to talk about myself. | ||
| It's uncomfortable. | ||
| I'm not trying to talk about myself, man. | ||
| You just did! | ||
| You just did! | ||
| You started this by saying that I had a report back in San Diego, so I know how good you did. | ||
| No, it started by you telling me how great everything went. | ||
| I had a good set. | ||
| And that's when I said I heard that Sunday Night was kind of rough. | ||
| I heard it was rough. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It wasn't as rough for you. | ||
| It was rough for other people. | ||
| It was a weird show. | ||
| You were looking at me and saying, I heard it was rough. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tell the truth! | |
| When it's rough, I tell the truth. | ||
| When I have a rough show, I tell the truth. | ||
| I don't just tell you everything's great. | ||
| I tell you about one shitty show. | ||
| I ate a dick in Vegas the other night for 30 minutes straight. | ||
| Where were you? | ||
| Having a rough step though, I was getting booed. | ||
| I was doing the Dirty at 12.30 show, which is fucking, it's South Point Casino, and it's a great room, it's a great crowd, but I just fucking thought you weren't feeling it. | ||
| It was like 1 o'clock in the morning, and I fucking bombed for it. | ||
| It felt like an hour and a half. | ||
| Those are hard shows, man. | ||
| Those late night shows. | ||
| Late night shows are hard. | ||
| Especially if nobody knows you from anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They don't want to see you. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with bombing. | ||
| It's good for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it sucks at the time. | ||
| But goddamn, you get something out of that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We learn. | ||
| My biggest jumps I've ever made in my entire career were for bombing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| It just makes you reevaluate everything. | ||
| It makes you want to fucking jump off the ridge. | ||
| You ever quit on stage? | ||
| Like, alright, this is it. | ||
| This is my last fucking show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, I quit once. | |
| No, never quit. | ||
| Like, this is my last show, but I walked off before my test. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm always, like, mentally in my head, I'm like, fuck this. | ||
| I'm done. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It can fucking get rough, dude. | ||
| It can get rough. | ||
| I mean, that's one of the reasons why it's such an emotionally taxing job. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why people have so much of a hard time doing it. | ||
| It's one of the reasons why people quit, too. | ||
| They'll start off, they'll have a lot of good momentum, and then they just bail on it. | ||
| They just can't take it anymore. | ||
| You think once it becomes like a business, that's when it gets... | ||
| Because when you're in the beginning, you're doing it for fun, and you're kind of going up in between your restaurant jobs. | ||
| So there's really not a lot... | ||
| Once it becomes a job, I think it's when it's like, fuck. | ||
| It should never be a job. | ||
| If it's a job, you're fucking up. | ||
| Well, if you have to make money off of it. | ||
| Yeah, if it's a job, you're fucking up. | ||
| If it's a job, you're... | ||
| I mean, even if you have to make money off of it, you can't just think of it as... | ||
| It's got to be an art form, or it's never going to work. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| If it's not something that you're excited and connected to creating... | ||
| You know, and something that you're passionate about molding and putting together on stage, I don't think it's ever going to work. | ||
| If you're just like, yeah, I'm just going to punch in and tell those little jokes. | ||
| There's nothing better than having a new joke and just being so excited. | ||
| Like, I have to go on stage tonight and tell it. | ||
| Like, that's, to me, anyways. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, it can get really thrilling, you know? | ||
| It's a wild thing to do with your time, man. | ||
| Come up with some shit that you think is going to make people laugh. | ||
| There's a distasteful feeling in this room. | ||
| Feel it? | ||
| Got a little carry-away over there, Brian. | ||
| Sorry. | ||
| It's alright, buddy. | ||
| Happens. | ||
| Just gotta recognize how other people would interact, like how other people would respond to people. | ||
| Like, whenever you say you're really good at anything or doing great at anything, man, there's a way to do that. | ||
| I've said I was good at that. | ||
| I didn't say I was great at it. | ||
| There's a way to do that, and there's a way to not do that. | ||
| It's not just that you said you had a good set. | ||
| You were talking about the manager writing you a letter and saying you did so awesome. | ||
| You said you had a good set. | ||
| I know, but you see where that is? | ||
| It's like... | ||
| You're sticking that in people's faces. | ||
| You've got to be careful. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I mean, am I wrong? | ||
| After you just said I had a bad set. | ||
| It was rough on Sunday. | ||
| I got a report card. | ||
| It wasn't just you. | ||
| It wasn't just you. | ||
| I heard several people on that show didn't do very well. | ||
| I heard it was tough. | ||
| I'm saying you got to be honest about that too. | ||
| I am honest. | ||
| I'm saying that. | ||
| You know what though? | ||
| When I got off stage, people clapped. | ||
| It wasn't like I had a bad set where no one was like... | ||
| They were happy you were done. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Now you're just flipping the fish. | |
| Look, I had to say that, Brian. | ||
| I can't just let you brag. | ||
| I have to. | ||
| I have to stop you for your own good. | ||
| I wasn't bragging. | ||
| Justin Foster, do you know what bragging sounds like? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Near the neck of the woods? | ||
| Do they have different handles on what bragging is? | ||
| It did get weird for a second. | ||
| I feel like when mom and dad fight, they just get real quiet. | ||
| Well, you know what it is, man? | ||
| There's a lot riding on success and failure on stage. | ||
| And when you're doing well, which Brian's doing well, you want to let people know you're doing well. | ||
| It's what it is. | ||
| It's normal. | ||
| You just gotta be careful about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I said that stuff after you said what you said. | |
| I didn't say that beforehand. | ||
| I don't know if that's true. | ||
| I don't know if that's true, and I don't think you do either. | ||
| I don't really remember what happened. | ||
| I think you were saying how great it went, and I said I heard Sunday night was rough. | ||
| And then I said, no, it wasn't rough. | ||
| I had a good weekend. | ||
| I had good sets. | ||
| Justin even said I wrote blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Right, but I said that I heard that Sunday night was rough, and it was rough. | ||
| And I would, if you said that to me, I'd be like, ooh, yeah, I kind of ate dick on Sunday. | ||
| Sunday, I just couldn't feel it. | ||
| They weren't feeling me. | ||
| But that's not what you did. | ||
| You went on to discuss... | ||
| But I didn't eat a dick Sunday. | ||
| I had a C-plus set. | ||
| I had a middle-of-the-line, normal set. | ||
| Nothing to write home about. | ||
| Nothing that went, oh, that was horrible. | ||
| People didn't boo you? | ||
| No. | ||
| No one booed me once. | ||
| No. | ||
| Oh, they groaned? | ||
| Is that what they did? | ||
| Yes, a woman groaned when I was talking about fucking a dolphin. | ||
| I think that's something that a woman would do. | ||
| That warrants all those women. | ||
| Those women. | ||
| I have the whole thing on tape if you want to. | ||
| I don't want to listen to the fucking tape. | ||
| Criminy. | ||
| No, I don't need any proof, man. | ||
| I mean, my point wasn't whether or not you were doing good or not doing good. | ||
| My point was whether we discuss it on a podcast like that. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Let's move on. | ||
| I'm trying. | ||
| Can't think about anything else. | ||
| You could see the hilarity of my horrible set tomorrow at the Irvine Improv. | ||
| Oh, I like how you worked that in. | ||
| You could moan at me and Little Esther and Tony Hinchcliffe and Sarah Tiana. | ||
| Oh, how dare you. | ||
| That's a good show. | ||
| It's a great show. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe was with me at Irvine all last weekend. | ||
| Fucking kid's getting funny. | ||
| He's great. | ||
| Really funny bit, man. | ||
| It's a great room, too. | ||
| I don't want to say anything with that thrift store bit. | ||
| I won't say anything about what the bit is, but that's fucking great, man. | ||
| It's true, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that Irvine improv's fantastic. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| Do you like it? | ||
| Is that your favorite of one of the improvs around this town? | ||
| It's a great club, man. | ||
| Like the Ontario and all the other ones. | ||
| Because we have like three really good improvs within like an hour and an hour and a half away. | ||
| Yeah, there's a ton of them. | ||
| There's the Hollywood one, which is always awesome. | ||
| There's the Irvine. | ||
| There's the Ontario, the Brea. | ||
| They're all fantastic. | ||
| They're all great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Improvs are fucking amazing clubs, man. | ||
| There's so many of them. | ||
| They're all over the country. | ||
| You know, a lot of people think that it's like kind of a chain thing, they're fucking up and ruining comedy, but they're also providing you a lot of goddamn work, man. | ||
| There's work everywhere. | ||
| There's work all over the country. | ||
| The only thing that I don't like is if, like, they tell you that you're not supposed to work the other club in town or one of those deals. | ||
| That could be a problem. | ||
| Does that happen to you a lot? | ||
| No. | ||
| Not to me. | ||
| But other people. | ||
| But it happens to some people. | ||
| Some clubs, you know, they won't let you work the other club in town. | ||
| Oh yeah, no, I know. | ||
| You ever had that happen before? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Texas? | ||
| No, not in Texas. | ||
| But I was saying it's like somebody like you, they probably, it doesn't really, they're like, yeah, just, you know. | ||
| Yeah, if you can sell tickets, they'll let you slide with stuff. | ||
| But if they felt like they can control you in some sort of a way, they would definitely try to do it. | ||
| I think it's a natural business practice. | ||
| They're trying to... | ||
| They're trying to fucking lock it down. | ||
| Especially if you're there in a week where no one's there, that's when it becomes readily apparent. | ||
| The other side of town has a great comic, and then this side of town, the club's suffering, they have to decide what they're going to do. | ||
| Because if you're going to work one or the other, if you're working one and they're doing well, or you work in the other club and then the other club's doing well, they have to go, hey, we're sucking it right now. | ||
| And we're sucking it because the guy that we hire is now over there working for our enemy. | ||
| So what the fuck? | ||
| That's the problem when you got business. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Business mixed with the idea of art. | ||
| It gets just fucking... | ||
| It gets just problematic. | ||
| But you can't be a socialist comedian either. | ||
| Just give away your comedy for free. | ||
| Bring me food. | ||
| I'll tell you jokes. | ||
| The show was basically over about 15 minutes ago. | ||
| We're just droning on. | ||
| Hopefully we can recover from this, Brian. | ||
| What? | ||
| I'm fine. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| You're still mad about it. | ||
| I'm not mad at all. | ||
| But this thing went off the rails. | ||
| I'm the one who has to sort of turn it into a podcast. | ||
| You know? | ||
| People love this shit anyway. | ||
| Some people love this shit. | ||
| Those people are annoying. | ||
| And those people are responding to me on Twitter. | ||
| And guess what, cunties? | ||
| I'm just going to block you. | ||
| Don't jump in. | ||
| Oh, look. | ||
| I'm going to block this guy. | ||
| He's got a fucking swastika on his logo. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Sorry, fuckface. | ||
| I'm going to block you. | ||
| What's his logo? | ||
| Yeah, he's got a fucking swastika. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's putting it out there. | |
| I don't know how, like, YouTube, there was a, somebody sent me a video, and I don't even want to say what the name is. | ||
| It was inward music video times two or something like that, I think it was called. | ||
| And it was just a guy dressed up like typical, like, almost racist black guy, slave style. | ||
| And the song was just inward, inward, inward. | ||
| And it was just, it was a black guy doing it, so I think that maybe that's the only reason why it could stay on YouTube. | ||
| But I was very shocked when people have, like, Twitter... | ||
| Like, avatars and stuff like that. | ||
| Like, really racist symbols. | ||
| How do they get away with that shit? | ||
| You could get away with a lot if you're a black guy and you want to talk about black people. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, you can get a lot if you're a white guy and you want to talk about white people. | ||
| But, man. | ||
| You, uh... | ||
| I just don't... | ||
| You can't wear blackface and go to school in Toronto. | ||
| You can't be Mr. T. I wonder if the guy tried to... | ||
| I wonder if he was at a party or if he went to school as Mr. T. God, I hope he didn't go to school. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| Because I think it was a day, right? | ||
| It was a school day. | ||
| Halloween fell on. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Could he get in trouble? | ||
| Say he was at a house party with adults and somebody snapped a picture of him. | ||
| He could still get in trouble for that, right? | ||
| That's what I think probably happened. | ||
| I don't think he would stroll into class with black... | ||
| I pity the food. | ||
| Maybe he did. | ||
| Maybe he's like, look, I'm Mr. T. That's ballsy. | ||
| He's at the lounge. | ||
| They're all drinking coffee together. | ||
| No one's talking to him. | ||
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| All the other teachers are like, we're not gonna... | ||
| I'm not going to get into this today. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're like, you can't do that. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| I pity the fool. | ||
| I pity the fool. | ||
| Isn't that funny that their guy, he's one of the only guys that you associate with a giant chunk of gold chains around your neck. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Immediately, you think of Mr. T. He made that his hook. | ||
| Right. | ||
| If a guy had more than one chain, you'd go, what do you got a Mr. T starter kit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Some guy, if you were heckling him. | ||
| And you know the chains were fate because the teacher couldn't afford that on a teacher's salary. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| It seems like if this happened when the A-Team was really popular, when it first came out in that time area, that wouldn't be a big deal. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Now, you can't do anything, though, especially if you're a teacher. | ||
| Like, my brother just got it. | ||
| He had to delete his whole Facebook page. | ||
| He's like, I'm not even going to take any fucking chances. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So that guy, he should have known better. | ||
| You can get in big trouble for almost anything. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Almost anything. | ||
| If you do anything that's non-PC outside of work, some girl got fired because they took a picture on her Facebook of her boyfriend holding her tit. | ||
| And they let her go? | ||
| Yeah, they fired her. | ||
| She was a teacher. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| Guy was holding her tit. | ||
| I mean, he wasn't even holding a nipple. | ||
| He wasn't pinching her. | ||
| Just grabbing her tit? | ||
| Just squeezing some bottom meat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| What the fuck, man? | ||
| There's a weirdness going on in the world where people are just super fucking sensitive, super duper sensitive. | ||
| And people want to get other people in trouble, too. | ||
| That's the thing. | ||
| Everybody wants to be the first to catch somebody doing something and act and be the first to get somebody fired. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, that's a thing, too. | ||
| They want to catch people and things. | ||
| There's a lot of miserable fucks out there working, stuck in jobs they don't like, and they just... | ||
| They got this built-up... | ||
| And if they can point it at you and get you in trouble for something... | ||
| Because there's a whole bunch of rules that everybody's got to follow, and a lot of them are ridiculous rules. | ||
| They feel better. | ||
| Yeah, the PC police is just so out of control. | ||
| But, you know, in some ways, it's got to be there. | ||
| Because if you're working... | ||
| Like, say if you're a woman and you're working in some fucking office with some guy who tells dick jokes all the time and talks about fucking... | ||
| You shouldn't have to deal with that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, you shouldn't. | |
| You shouldn't have to go in there. | ||
| But because there's douchebags that ruin that shit, then there's always going to be, like, you can't have a funny joke either. | ||
| Like, sometimes someone's not a douchebag, but they have the funny thing to say. | ||
| And it's just the right time, and it's inappropriate, but you know they don't mean it, but they can get away with it. | ||
| That's, like, the problem with humor. | ||
| Like, in a workplace, you can't take that chance. | ||
| I think it has to do a lot about who the person is, too. | ||
| The charming you are, the more you can get away with. | ||
| The creepy guy at the office can say the same thing, and people are like, I don't know. | ||
| It gets stifled. | ||
| It gets stifled because it has to get stifled. | ||
| Because if you just go free-range, Wild Wild West style with your jokes, like you're doing a podcast or something, some people are going to get really fucking offended at you. | ||
| But my question is, and here's what it was. | ||
| It was probably a parent of a teacher that she had probably reprimanded. | ||
| Who's like, oh, tell me how to raise my kid. | ||
| Scrolling through her Facebook page and going, how dare a lady with a boyfriend having fun tell me how to raise my kid. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Yeah, that could definitely be it. | ||
| Some woman doesn't want some fucking slut raising her children. | ||
| That could be it. | ||
| Or some chick who's just upset that she's hot enough for someone to grab her tit. | ||
| And she hasn't gotten laid since her fucking husband cheated on her. | ||
| Fucking dirty bitch grabbing tit on Facebook. | ||
| I'll show her. | ||
| It could be that too. | ||
| Alright, Justin Foster. | ||
| People can find you on Twitter. | ||
| It's JustinComic on Twitter. | ||
| And do you have a website too? | ||
| Yeah, JustinComic. | ||
| JustinComic. | ||
| You were the only JustinComic to scoop that shit up. | ||
| I was the first. | ||
| There had to be somebody else who thought that up. | ||
| So get you to buy it from me. | ||
| Do you find that may be an issue with people remembering the name Foster? | ||
| Nah, I don't think so. | ||
| I hope not. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| Thanks for having me. | ||
| Thanks for being here, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely, brother. | |
| Thanks for being here for a nice little hissy fit. | ||
| Yeah, it was fun. | ||
| We made up, buddy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was good. | |
| I was just trying to help everybody here, folks. | ||
| I just have a very strong opinion on certain things. | ||
| I don't mean to hurt anybody's feelings. | ||
| We don't mean to. | ||
| We smuggle weed and sometimes we just talk. | ||
| Sometimes shit goes awry. | ||
| Just like a comedy set. | ||
| Right, Justin Foster? | ||
| Right. | ||
| All right, fuckers. | ||
| We'll be back. | ||
| We'll be back soon. | ||
| Lots of podcasts this week. | ||
| Anna Kasparian. | ||
| Did I say her name right? | ||
| And also Graham Hancock. | ||
| And this episode is brought to you by Ting. | ||
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| And thanks also to Onnit.com. | ||
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| Alright folks, we'll see you soon. |
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