April 1, 2013 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:51:01
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| You dirty freak bitches. | ||
| God, we missed you. | ||
| We missed you so much. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're back, ladies and gentlemen. | |
| This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience podcast, also known as the Brian Red Band Experience, is brought to you by Tink. | ||
| Powerful. | ||
| Yeah, powerful Reddit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was awesome, guys. | |
| That's pretty badass. | ||
| Yeah, it's cool. | ||
| Internet communities are fucking amazing. | ||
| We live in awesome times. | ||
| You know, just memes alone. | ||
| I mean, how many funny fucking memes do you get to read every day from really, you know, anytime anything happens, you know? | ||
| Science is, like, really neat or really amazing, that Bill Burr one. | ||
| I saw that, like, a hundred times. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, I know. | |
| Whatever the quote was, the ridiculous quote. | ||
|
unidentified
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Science is great. | |
| Isn't science incredible? | ||
| Something like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't have Bill Burr's phone number. | |
| I was trying to get a hold of him because I wanted to get him and Cara Santa Maria tonight together to do a podcast. | ||
| Well, if he's around, I'll get you his number. | ||
| Or I'll ask him first. | ||
| That's the proper thing. | ||
| Do you not like it, Brian Callen, when people give away your phone number and you get a phone call and it's like blocked and you pick it up at some goofball wanting to talk to you and you're like... | ||
| Well, when Jimmy Burke gave out my number on your podcast, I got like 15 calls. | ||
| But it's funny because the guys have all been really cool. | ||
| I was like, look, don't abuse my number. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They'd be drunk like, hey, Brian Callen, what the fuck, man? | |
| I was like, all right, young guys. | ||
| All right, guys. | ||
| I remember being you, so... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look, 99.9% of all people are cool. | ||
| I mean, that sounds crazy, but most of... | ||
| Dude, I get my number out on the road when I want people to come. | ||
| Sometimes they help me out in a car rental. | ||
| I'll get my number, I'll go, just call me, I'll hook you up with free tickets. | ||
| Not once have I had anybody abuse it. | ||
| Not once. | ||
| Yeah, no, most people don't. | ||
| Most people are cool about it. | ||
| But... | ||
| I used to, I fucked up once and Twittered my number. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, Jesus. | |
| Fuck, I remember that. | ||
| You, you, it's a whole different story. | ||
| I was trying to tweet to somebody else. | ||
| I forget. | ||
| I was trying to send a buddy of mine my number, my new number. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Who was that? | ||
| I don't remember who I did. | ||
| I fucked up. | ||
| Instead of hitting the reply to a direct message, somehow or another, it was a tweet, a regular tweet. | ||
| The other day, I got a number from Jamaica. | ||
| I was like, what is this? | ||
| I've got to answer it. | ||
| I swear to God, I'm not exaggerating. | ||
| I'm sure a lot of listeners have probably gotten this, but I probably had everybody who goes, Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You've won a prize. | ||
| Really terrible. | ||
| I was like, I have. | ||
| He goes, you won $2.5 million. | ||
| I just need some tax money from you. | ||
| I have to pay about 1% of that. | ||
| Then you can have the money. | ||
| Can I give you your tracking number now? | ||
| I was like, yes! | ||
| And he goes, can you read it back to me? | ||
| I read it back. | ||
| Oh, this is exciting. | ||
| I go, how much am I winning? | ||
| And he's 2.5 million. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| How do you feel? | ||
| I feel amazing. | ||
| This is incredible. | ||
| He goes, all you have to do is just, now we're going to have to, you have to pay the international tax. | ||
| That's all it is. | ||
| So just, I go, so I only have to pay one? | ||
| 100% of $2.5 million, which I think is $250,000. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'm really nervous. | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| But that's all I got to do. | ||
| No, Justin, in fact, I'm going to ask you for $25,000. | ||
| How does that sound, Tiago? | ||
| This is incredible. | ||
| And he goes, all right. | ||
| And then he gives me a bunch of other information. | ||
| And I'm like, I'm so excited. | ||
| I just feel like I don't know. | ||
| What did I do to get this? | ||
| He goes, you entered that sweepstakes. | ||
| The worst con job in the world. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And finally I go, let me ask you a question. | ||
| How fucking stupid? | ||
| I should have, but I was eating at a P.F. Chang's. | ||
| I was like, how fucking dumb do you think? | ||
| And he goes, and he just hung up. | ||
| He just swore. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, he said mean shit to you? | |
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Well, he's mad that he couldn't scam you. | ||
| But I mean, be a little better at scamming than telling me I won a huge prize. | ||
| What's incredible is that that works. | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| I mean, it's incredible. | ||
| I do not remember who was telling us, but someone had a friend that... | ||
| God damn, I wish I remember who the hell it was. | ||
| But anyway, he was saying that... | ||
| Was it Ari? | ||
| Was it Ari that told us this? | ||
| That he knew a dude that thought, I think it was Ari, knew a dude that thought he won some crazy prize like this because he got scammed by these Nigerian guys and he started getting really cunty. | ||
| Like, yeah, you guys wait. | ||
| Wait till you see what I got coming. | ||
| And they were like, oh my god. | ||
| And you were saying all this while you're getting scammed by these Nigerians. | ||
| Well, Nigerians set up fake offices and a lot of them are lawyers and a lot of them are really educated. | ||
| I'll set up a fake gun. | ||
| They were swimming with big Wall Street guys for a while. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| For cash. | ||
| For cash. | ||
| Because a Wall Street guy could greet you and say, you know, you won't have to pay taxes on this. | ||
| But they'd have these offices. | ||
| They'd have it all set up. | ||
| They'd be with Nigerian Oil. | ||
| They'd have a company, a subsidiary. | ||
| And there was a big article. | ||
| Scotland Yard was all over these guys and the FBI because they wiped out. | ||
| They really did a good job. | ||
| They had some young guys who were traders give them $2 million in cash. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, my God. | |
| God! | ||
| Dummies! | ||
| This one guy mortars his house and he killed himself. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh! | |
| God! | ||
| Oh my God! | ||
|
unidentified
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God! | |
| Some people can just get got. | ||
| No, what they would do is they would give you money. | ||
| They would give you... | ||
| They'd do something like give you money... | ||
| And then you would give them legit money or something, whatever it was. | ||
| There were a lot of different things that they would do. | ||
| And you'd get home with this money in some cases, and I can't remember the exact story, but the money was a fake dye that would wear off like in the movies, you know? | ||
| Like it was some kind of a fake, I don't know, I have no idea, but it was just, they'd realize that they were white, that they had been scammed of a million dollars and jump out a fucking window. | ||
| Commercials are an unnecessary evil. | ||
| Or a necessary evil. | ||
| Unnecessary. | ||
| You have to pay for bandwidth. | ||
| We're almost at high speed bandwidth, folks. | ||
| This week. | ||
| Hopefully. | ||
| It's all done. | ||
| I know people complain that the Ustream version looks kind of poopy. | ||
| We can't really show you, if we showed it in higher definition, our shit would crash. | ||
| It's whack. | ||
| Besides, I'm pretty striking in high def. | ||
| He's beautiful. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I have tight skin. | ||
| This episode of the Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by Ting. | ||
| If you've never heard of Ting before, if you've never heard us talk about it, It's an excellent alternative to a lot of the... | ||
| What is that guy doing? | ||
| Is he smoking some money? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's smoking some weed, man. | |
| What the fuck is that? | ||
| It's a spoon? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| That's a spoon? | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's Brendan Walsh drunk. | |
| Brendan is hammered with his phone. | ||
| He's in love with his phone. | ||
|
unidentified
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He thinks it's a person. | |
| Is he selling... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| Brendan right now is texting a guy that's pretending to be a girl. | ||
| That's what's going on right there. | ||
| That's why he's in love. | ||
|
unidentified
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He's making hilarious tweets right now. | |
| Ting has all the high-end Android phones. | ||
| We've talked about this before on the podcast. | ||
| Unfortunately, there's no other way to say it. | ||
| Back in the day, If you had a smartphone other than an iPhone, you were a fool. | ||
| Like, you really were a fool. | ||
| Like, if you had one of those Blackberry Storms, I had one of those pieces of shit. | ||
| It was terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
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Oh, God. | |
| Dove Davidoff held onto his till, like, last year. | ||
| He called me up last year. | ||
| He goes, about a year ago, he goes, dude, this iPhone's fantastic. | ||
| Oh, is it? | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Hey, you heard of this new thing called cars, you fucking idiot, or are you still riding a horse? | ||
| For the longest time, if you had anything else, it was poop. | ||
| But now, not so much. | ||
| The Samsungs actually, for the first time ever, they're outselling the iPhones. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| The options of the larger screens, the Samsung Galaxy S3, look at the difference in the size of the Brian's screen with the cat on it. | ||
| I mean, the other cat. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's a pitfall. | |
| The cool death squad cat. | ||
| I mean, that is goddamn enormous. | ||
| And they're really fast. | ||
| I had an old... | ||
| Early version Android phone. | ||
| And it was kind of clunky and shitty. | ||
| But this Samsung Galaxy S3 is amazing. | ||
| And there's an S4 that's coming out now, too. | ||
| And they also have what's even cooler is the Note. | ||
| That Note is amazing. | ||
| Wow, what is that? | ||
| Oh, it's fucking huge. | ||
| It's this five-inch phone. | ||
| You can write on it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| They're like fucking computers, man. | ||
| They're tablets and phones all in one. | ||
| One of my first memories of you, one of the first times we ever hung out, is I came out to see you, and I had no idea you were such a tech nerd. | ||
| You got this fighter, this guy I talked to. | ||
| We went looking for pit bulls. | ||
| We're idiots, right? | ||
| But you were like, so techy. | ||
| I come and I see these computers. | ||
| You were on the internet. | ||
| I didn't know what the hell that was. | ||
| And then you go, hold on, I got to go to this. | ||
| We go to Fry's or something. | ||
| And you get memory, and you pop open your computer, and you put memory chips into your computer like you did it yourself. | ||
| And I remember being like... | ||
| This dude's a genius! | ||
|
unidentified
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A fucking genius! | |
| I made that computer. | ||
| I didn't even own his computer when you did that back then. | ||
| That was like in the 50s. | ||
| For a while, I would make my own computers. | ||
| I was proud of that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he was back, and before anybody, he had huge computer screens. | ||
| Like, you had a whole room. | ||
| It was like a war room. | ||
| I would buy monitors and then hook them up as computer screens. | ||
| Do you remember the first time, before I knew you could get shit on the internet, I hear him going, hee hee hee hee hee. | ||
| I'm like, what are you doing? | ||
| He goes, stay out, stay out! | ||
| I'm like, why is he keeping me out of his computer room? | ||
| I'm like, stop laughing, what? | ||
| And he goes, you come running at me, and I go, what are you doing? | ||
| He goes, okay, run in there and look now! | ||
| And I go running, and I hear you going, and as I go, I see this ass on the screen. | ||
| I'm like, why is that a big ass on the screen? | ||
| This is like weird. | ||
| And all of a sudden, I see this Japanese guy with his hair pulled back like a samurai, and he's going... | ||
| Underneath the ass. | ||
| I go, okay, I guess he's going to eat her ass or whatever. | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| Here comes some poo, ladies and gentlemen! | ||
| And the guy starts eating poo out of the girl's ass. | ||
| And Joe's going, he's laughing, but going... | ||
|
unidentified
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And you made him wait so it would download. | |
| I couldn't. | ||
| Yeah, that's what it was. | ||
| Well, actually, I had a T1 installed in my house back then. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's right, I remember that. | |
| Yeah, I was such a retard. | ||
| I had a T1 line installed in my house. | ||
| I used to ask you to go to Pitbull websites just so I could look at dogs. | ||
|
unidentified
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I just had to throw away a lot of my old computers. | |
| It was so sad because you would go through and look at all the video cards and look how cool they looked back then. | ||
| They're just shit now. | ||
| Your iPhone's a million times faster than that video card. | ||
| It's really incredible, isn't it? | ||
| If you think about back in the Quake 2 days. | ||
| Quake 2, I used to have what was called two video cards in SLI formation. | ||
| Meaning they're both linked up. | ||
| You have two separate video cards, and they link together through this computer cable, and it doubles your bandwidth as far as your ability to... | ||
| Hey, I went with you for that, too. | ||
| You dragged me to the computer to get fucking handles or guns for the Quake thing, like the special kind of handles? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| You play Quake with a mouse and a keyboard. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| There was something you were playing where we had to get... | ||
| Oh, there's a while. | ||
| Yeah, you know what? | ||
| I had a controller called something 3D that had a trackball and a gun on it as well. | ||
| It was really cool. | ||
| I came with him. | ||
| He's like, I gotta get this. | ||
| Yeah, but the trackball is just not quite as accurate. | ||
| There were some guys that were really good with that controller, but the thing was about that controller, it was very controversial because if you learned how to use that controller, then you wouldn't be good at the mouse and the keyboard. | ||
| Which was widely accepted by almost everybody to be the most accurate way. | ||
| Some guys got really good at using the controller, but they were still fucking themselves by not just going with a mouse and a keyboard. | ||
|
unidentified
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Would you do a live Quake match in front of an audience versus Kevin Pereira? | |
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Yeah, that would be fun. | ||
|
unidentified
|
In Comic-Con 2018? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, if I can. | ||
| I mean, it all depends on if I can. | ||
|
unidentified
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And you would have to train for it? | |
| No, that's the problem. | ||
| The problem is if I started training, I would get obsessed again. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but you... | |
| Dude, you don't know the rush. | ||
| No, no, he gets crazy. | ||
| The rush of getting really good at Quake, it's so intense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, because you're playing in these 3D games where you're running down hallways, you have a variety of weapons on you, and you're chasing motherfuckers, trying to kill them, and when you kill them, they splatter. | ||
| You're shooting rockets at them, and it's all in real time, and the graphics are amazing. | ||
| And you're seeing it through a first-person perspective. | ||
| Either you're seeing a gun in front of you or you're seeing crosshairs in front of you. | ||
| You're manipulating the character. | ||
| And the better you get at your hand-eye coordination and your understanding of maps, the more effectively you can just fuck people up. | ||
| There's many, many, many, many levels in video game skills. | ||
| And I never got really good. | ||
| I got good for a regular person. | ||
| But I never got really good. | ||
| But I played some really good guys and just got slaughtered. | ||
| When I was doing Ride Along, that movie I shot in Atlanta with Ice Cube and Kevin Hart, I would go into Kevin Hart's trailer all the time because we would just hang out and he's hilarious. | ||
| And he and his buddies would be taking that Madden basketball game so fucking seriously, like serious, like serious, like real competition, real games. | ||
| And get pissed off at each other if they lost. | ||
| And they're really a tight group. | ||
| They love each other. | ||
| But it was war. | ||
| That fucking game was war. | ||
| I come in, hey, Kevin, you'd be playing. | ||
| I wouldn't even... | ||
| They're addictive, man. | ||
| Yeah, it's super addictive. | ||
| I don't fuck around with them anymore. | ||
| I still play pool. | ||
| I don't fuck around with video games anymore. | ||
| But I am still addicted to technology, which is why, like I said, we're really into Ting. | ||
| What Ting provides is not just the greatest Android phones available. | ||
| But they also provide contract-free Cell phone service on a major network. | ||
| It's on the Sprint backbone, so it's not like you're not on a mom-and-pop network. | ||
| You're on a huge network. | ||
| And you can do that with no contracts. | ||
| And the way Sprint has it, not only are there no contracts, but they give you credit on unused service. | ||
| So if you use less than you thought you would... | ||
| On Ting. | ||
| On Ting. | ||
| You said Sprint. | ||
| Did I say Sprint? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Well, they're using Sprint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but the Sprint doesn't have the thing. | |
| Yeah, well, don't go to Sprint. | ||
| Go to Ting. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Who lets us get high and do commercials? | ||
| I want to know whose idea that was. | ||
| I was just laughing because they're so meandering in so long. | ||
| But they're awesome. | ||
| Ting, anyway, go to rogan.ting.com and you can save yourself 25 bucks off of either one of their phones or one of their Or their service. | ||
| And what I was saying was that Ting gives you credit on unused service. | ||
| So if you use less than you thought you would, Ting actually drops you down and credits you the difference on your next bill. | ||
| I mean that shit's unheard of. | ||
| Companies never give you their money back. | ||
| But it's the ethical way to do it. | ||
| And what they realize is you can still make money and provide people... | ||
| A great service. | ||
| And, you know, you don't have to fuck people over. | ||
| You don't have to rip them off. | ||
| And you can do things in a generous way. | ||
| And that's how Ting operates. | ||
| And I love that. | ||
| I think it's a great ethic. | ||
| And when you see a company that has, you know, that that's how they're operating their business, it makes you feel good about being connected to them. | ||
| It makes you feel good about what message they're projecting. | ||
| I was thinking about that, like the ethical, you know, I just got sponsored too by Ting. | ||
| The Brian Callen Show. | ||
| Powerful Brian Callen Show. | ||
| The Brian got some good guests, not to mention the 10-Minute Podcast. | ||
| When they came to me, I said to myself, I knew there were good companies through you, so I was like, that's great. | ||
| But then I thought, you know... | ||
| If you get sponsored by somebody who wants to offer you a lot of money, say your podcast becomes huge, and sometimes companies can become so big and you're not sure where their interests are or what they're doing, it really does kind of raise some questions. | ||
| I don't want to be responsible for supporting or shelling a company that doesn't have ethical practices. | ||
| It's a hard one. | ||
| Well, you don't have to anymore. | ||
| There's plenty of really good companies, and I think a lot of these companies are also operating on the internet. | ||
| The internet is pretty transparent. | ||
| It's not difficult to compare rates and services. | ||
| People know now. | ||
| And they also know that every company doesn't have to squeeze every last blood out of you. | ||
| When you have something that's required, a service, like cell phone service, it becomes that weird, creepy thing where they've got you. | ||
| You fucking need them, okay? | ||
| You need them. | ||
| That's right, you need them. | ||
| McDonald's says that they never treat anybody like a hamburger, meaning, so you go and say, I don't like my hamburger, they'll give you a free one. | ||
| Why? | ||
| The hamburger, a lot of people say, well, you walk in and you're not a $2 hamburger. | ||
| The average customer in McDonald's spends, I think, about $53,000 over a lifetime on McDonald's. | ||
| They're loyal customers. | ||
| So when you walk through that door, you're worth $53,000. | ||
| Wow, that's an interesting way of looking at them. | ||
| So they treat you like a person, not a hamburger. | ||
| How about just do it because they want to be nice? | ||
| How about that? | ||
| How about McDonald's, you fucking cunty number counting assholes? | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| How about you just do it because you're nice? | ||
| Don't treat someone like they're $50,000. | ||
| Treat them like they're nice. | ||
| I do think that some companies like Starbucks, from what I understand, is very responsible socially. | ||
| They're very intent on using the money they make and that power to... | ||
| It's a big responsibility, and I think that you're right. | ||
| I mean, just how about doing it because it's the right thing to do? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It just makes me happy to work with companies that I know are not douchey. | ||
| So that's how I feel about Ting. | ||
| Go to rogan.ting.com, save yourself some money. | ||
| Also, we're brought to you by Squarespace, and Squarespace is one of our newer sponsors. | ||
| If you've never been and don't know what it is, Squarespace is an all-in-one, inclusive platform online for the average, regular, everyday schmo like you or me, son, to go and create their own website. | ||
| And it's pretty fucking badass. | ||
| And, you know, when I first got my very first website... | ||
| A dude named Menthol created it for me. | ||
| Menthol did most of my websites. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you talked about it? | |
| No, I gotta get in touch with him, man. | ||
| He got super busy. | ||
| He got a lot of things going on in his personal life, too. | ||
| He was a guy I used to play Quake with. | ||
| In extreme detriment, we had a Quake clan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Well, he can train you. | |
| He can train you for this big event. | ||
| Your name was extreme detriment. | ||
| He was always a little bit better than me when we played Quake. | ||
| He was just a little bit better than me. | ||
| He was good. | ||
| He played really good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We could have a comedy show and a podcast going around you while you're playing Quake on stage. | |
| I am terrified of... | ||
| It sounds so ridiculous, but I'm terrified of becoming addicted to playing video games again. | ||
| Well, you get excited about... | ||
| I don't even know if it's an addiction. | ||
| You just get... | ||
| I love when you get really excited. | ||
| One time, I remember, you were like... | ||
| You were like... | ||
| We were like 30. And you're like, look at this t-shirt! | ||
| It was a UFC t-shirt. | ||
| It was like a fight t-shirt. | ||
| And then look at this! | ||
| It's a race car! | ||
| And then look over here! | ||
| This thing, this is a workout! | ||
| It's a book! | ||
| And then there was a pause and you go, I'm 12. It's so fucking great. | ||
| Because we were all looking at you like, I mean, we're kind of idiots too, but geez, this is a little overboard. | ||
| You get really excited over a design on a t-shirt, dude. | ||
| Dude, I'd get really excited about the newest video games coming out. | ||
| I've always been very childlike. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, but you could just replace your pool obsession with your Quake obsession and then you'd be home with the kids more. | |
| Don't want to do it. | ||
| No, I don't go. | ||
| I play pool maybe one night a week, if that. | ||
| Do you remember when we were hunting and... | ||
| I remember, I think you said something, I was like, I don't need a lot of sleep out here. | ||
| Yeah, it's different. | ||
| Because we're so not, like, the amount of stimulus we're exposed to. | ||
| Yeah, we're inundated. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| Colors. | ||
| We're not designed for this, that's for sure. | ||
| We're designed for what you experience when you go camping. | ||
| That's what we're designed for. | ||
| We're designed to take in nature. | ||
| We're not designed for Times Square. | ||
| The human body does not know what the fuck to do with Times Square. | ||
| The human body sees giant billboards and just goes... | ||
| Your whole system is out of whack. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck am I even looking at? | ||
| What am I looking at when I'm going to the movies? | ||
| What am I dealing with when I'm listening to songs? | ||
| The input that we receive today is that we're not designed for any of this shit. | ||
| Our body's not caught up to what technology can do. | ||
| Nope. | ||
| You fucks. | ||
| That's why there's one theory about autism with kids. | ||
| Kids who have hyperactive minds and central nervous systems. | ||
| Maybe we're evolving. | ||
| We're literally evolving with technology. | ||
| I totally believe that. | ||
| I totally believe that it makes sense. | ||
| I mean, I think it's terrifying for people because we love our emotions. | ||
| But I think the reality is we're probably going to eventually outgrow them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit! | |
| Did I say that? | ||
| Oh, I was having fun until then. | ||
| Keep hope alive. | ||
| Squarespace, you dirty fucks. | ||
| Keep hope alive. | ||
| This was supposed to be an ad. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm making a website right now. | |
| It clearly went off the rails. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's pretty cool. | |
| You could just pretty much pick a theme, what you want your website to look like, out of a bunch of different things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And then, like, if you're watching right now, I'm just pretty much making a website. | |
| As you sit here talking to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, it's ridiculously easy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you just hit this to change the title. | |
| Look at this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I fucking love it. | ||
| I want to do it. | ||
| I should create my own website. | ||
| I want to do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And that's now the name of my... | |
| That's now your new website? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, that's my new website. | |
| I like it. | ||
| That's a catchy blog title. | ||
| I want dolphin butthole. | ||
| I mean, who could forget that? | ||
| You'd be like, that guy's got something to say. | ||
| I did a podcast. | ||
| Squarespace.com forward slash Joe. | ||
| Go there. | ||
| No credit card is needed, but try it out, and you can start building your website. | ||
| And then if you decide to purchase... | ||
| Squarespace. | ||
| You can use the offer code JOE3 and get 10% off your first purchase on new accounts including monthly and annual plans. | ||
| Squarespace has built-in e-commerce abilities that's really badass and easy to use. | ||
| Super easy to set up your own online store. | ||
| You can do it ridiculously fast. | ||
| And they offer 24-7 support, responsive design. | ||
| Your site will look great on any device. | ||
| You can have it on an iPhone, an iPad, a computer. | ||
| It's going to look sweet. | ||
| They know what the fuck they're doing. | ||
| I mean, it's really incredible. | ||
| This used to be so hard to do. | ||
| My God, making a website at one point in time was just completely outside of the realm of my even thinking. | ||
| Brian just made a website, okay? | ||
| Look, I want dolphin butthole. | ||
| There it is, okay? | ||
| He just did that. | ||
| He made a fucking website. | ||
| I mean, in the time we're doing this This conversation, he made a website. | ||
| That shit's ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And look, I could make a store right now. | |
| I could just manage products, and now I'm selling dolphin and butthole lube. | ||
| I forgot the tweet that I'm doing the joke. | ||
| He's selling bikes and skis and shit. | ||
| He just started selling skis from his store. | ||
| I mean, this is madness. | ||
| This is like World War Z, but with technology. | ||
| It's not zombies, but it's websites. | ||
| They're just fucking, every 12 seconds, you got a new one. | ||
| Anyway, go to Squarespace.com. | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| That's Squarespace.com forward slash Joe. | ||
| And use the offer code Joe and the number 3. And you can get 10%. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wait, is it number 4 now because it's April? | |
| Oh, it's April, right? | ||
| Yeah, you should probably use four. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I hope so. | |
| Use four. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| But use it. | ||
| It's a cool company and a cool product. | ||
| And it really works. | ||
| If you're looking to make your own website, I say go follow it, bitch. | ||
| Go follow it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holla! | |
| I think it's interesting that you're advertising things. | ||
| I just wanted to say to your fans, if you guys like to laugh, I don't know if any of you out there are Wait, are you doing a show anywhere, Brian Cannon? | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
A comedy show! | |
| That's a weird question. | ||
| I am, in fact, this Friday, Saturday, and Sunday at Laugh Out Loud in San Antonio, Texas. | ||
| Laugh Out Loud in San Antonio. | ||
| L-O-L-Sanantonio.com for tickets, you bastards. | ||
| San Antonio. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's a gangster town. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a gangster town. | |
| Brian Callen's website, if you're listening to this later, has all his tour dates, podcasts, photos, and videos on it. | ||
| And it's just BrianCallen.com. | ||
| And listen to the 10-Minute Podcast and the Brian Callen Show. | ||
| We got a good one. | ||
| 10-Minute Podcast I talk about. | ||
| I confess to killing a dolphin and the boys have to talk me off a ledge. | ||
| Oh, sweetie. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| Don't even say that. | ||
| I would never do that. | ||
| But on the Brian Callen Show, I did interview a really interesting guy, and it's up now, Vincent LaBarbera, who is a defense lawyer. | ||
| Let's talk about it. | ||
| Let's get through this commercial and we'll talk about it. | ||
| Yeah, I would love to. | ||
| This is going to be missing from the Sirius Satellite broadcast. | ||
| He's a badass. | ||
| Onnit.com is our last sponsor. | ||
| We're out of chimp kettlebells. | ||
| Sorry, bitches. | ||
| No, I want one! | ||
| Listen, I told you, motherfuckers. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| It's hard to make these things. | ||
| Hard to keep these bitches in stock. | ||
| They went flying out because they're so cool looking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Out of stock! | |
| Oh, and by the way, you know why I'm a good friend? | ||
| Because I don't call you up and say, I saw that night. | ||
| I don't call you up and say, hey, dude, get me some chimp kettlebells. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'll get you some. | |
| No, I'm buying them. | ||
| I'm like everybody else. | ||
| I'll get you some. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I'm getting one to Donald's Cowboy Cerrone too. | ||
| I want it. | ||
| Look, it needs to be given away to some people. | ||
| That shit is just too cool not to have. | ||
| It looks like a chimp biting off your dick. | ||
| That is the chimp biting off your dick face. | ||
| And you know what you should do for motivation, for motivation in your workouts, you know, you could hold the kettlebells like that, looking at the chimp and then drop it down to your dick and then push away. | ||
| Drop it down to your dick and then push away. | ||
| It could be the new kettlebell routine. | ||
| Like the chimp bite your dick kip-ups or something. | ||
| I just read a book called Our Inner Ape and he talks about how we're a bipolar ape and he compares us to chimps and gorillas. | ||
| But one of the things is they used to – they had a circus of a thing where they had a chimp that they muzzled and they took strong men and tried to control that chimp, tried to like wrestle with it. | ||
| None of them. | ||
| No, you can't wrestle with a chimp. | ||
| They're so strong. | ||
| It's also got its feet. | ||
| It's got four hands. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| Four hands. | ||
| Yeah, and the amount of strength that they have. | ||
| Well, five times the pulling power. | ||
| We don't even understand it. | ||
| It's just we think, well, they're about our size. | ||
| So, you know, you're dealing with something completely different. | ||
| It's just completely different. | ||
| But if you want to get chimp strong, go get yourself some other shit that we have. | ||
| We have regular kettlebells still. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like the Joey Deans. | |
| In all sizes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was a great April Fool's 100-pound Joey Diaz fucking kettlebell. | |
| That's so ridiculous. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love it. | |
| I want it. | ||
| We have Club Bells. | ||
| We start selling those now and Chin Up bars and all kinds of different fitness shit. | ||
| And of course, a lot of great fitness supplements including Hemp Force, the delicious and nutritious hemp protein supplement that has raw maca and raw cocoa and maca. | ||
| And it's sweetened with stevia so there's very little sugar. | ||
| There's only one gram of sugar in a full serving. | ||
| It's fucking delicious. | ||
| Super good for you. | ||
| And we have to get it from Canada, because our cunty twatbag government says it's illegal to grow the non-psychoactive version of this marijuana. | ||
| You can't grow it, so these silly bitches. | ||
| So we have to buy it from Canada. | ||
| But it's super good for you. | ||
| Really easy to digest. | ||
| I love it in the morning. | ||
| If I don't have the time to put together a kale shake, I'm just fucking running out the door. | ||
| I take one of those C2O coconut waters, I throw in some hemp force, boom. | ||
| It's not like a lot of food, but it fills me up. | ||
| It's nutritious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's also fucking delicious. | |
| It's easy to digest. | ||
| Yeah, it's super easy to digest. | ||
| You're getting some nutrition, like good nutrition, in a small form. | ||
| And it's great after workouts, too. | ||
| Anyway, Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. If you use the code name ROGAN, you will save 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| Alright, we got through it. | ||
| Brian Callens here. | ||
| We're already getting busy, so let's play some music first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, right now? | |
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Go. | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience. | ||
| My voice is so creepy. | ||
| It's Joe Rogan! | ||
| A barrel of snakes for a bat. | ||
| His name is Breakable Beats, and you can find him on SoundCloud. | ||
| Dude, you're awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Breakable Beats. | |
| And it really starts off funny because it talks about... | ||
| Very expressive eyes. | ||
| And then it goes right into the... | ||
| Here's the breakdown. | ||
| My voice is so terrible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's hilarious, dude. | |
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Yeah, that is one of the most surprising things about podcasting is the amount of cool shit that people do on their own. | ||
| People create funny YouTube compilations. | ||
| Dude, I did... | ||
| These guys in San Antonio... | ||
| I can't remember their name. | ||
| I'm going to try to find them and give them a shout out. | ||
| I tweet that I'm going to be in San Antonio and these guys create a whole video devoted to Brian Callen and no cunts allowed. | ||
| No cunts, please. | ||
| No cunts allowed. | ||
| I was dying! | ||
| They made a three-minute, really well-done, put-together video. | ||
| Like a commercial for you. | ||
| Yeah, they made a commercial for me on Twitter. | ||
| I'm trying to find them because they were so awesome. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Anyway, I'll just give a shout-out. | ||
| But, I mean, that's what the internet does. | ||
| You get a bunch of guys who are like, dude, let's make a video for them advertising. | ||
| I was dying. | ||
| You guys are coming to my show for free, by the way. | ||
| Just come up to me and tell me that you did it. | ||
| Now everybody will be like that. | ||
| Yeah, you need proof, man. | ||
| You need to do another one. | ||
| I know the guys, so I know what they look like. | ||
| It's a great thing, man. | ||
| It's the great democratizing force. | ||
| I have a beautiful voice. | ||
| I didn't realize that. | ||
| Well, I think they put some of that fucking Jay-Z shit in your voice. | ||
| What is that stuff? | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about. | ||
| That electronic thing? | ||
| What is that music thing? | ||
| What's it called? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Auto-tune? | |
| Yeah, auto-tune. | ||
| They auto-tuned the fuck out of you, son. | ||
| No, they didn't. | ||
| It's not Jay-Z. When I say Jay-Z, who uses that auto-tune shit? | ||
|
unidentified
|
T-Pain, yeah. | |
| T-Pain. | ||
| I think I sound like Josh Groban. | ||
| I don't even know what that guy sounds like. | ||
| I win. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I win. | |
| Yes, you do. | ||
| I win. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| I would not be able to pick it out of a lineup. | ||
| And, you know, if you played it for me and it wasn't him, you would get me. | ||
| You could sell me a fucking album with Johnny Two-Tone from down the block singing. | ||
| If you could be one rock and roll frontman of all time, who would it be? | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| It's a tough one, isn't it? | ||
| It's tough to fuck with David Lee Roth. | ||
| It's tough to fuck with Diamond Dave. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| When it comes to front men... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Dude, there was some years in the 1980s, like 84, 85, through the jump era, they dominated. | ||
| They dominated. | ||
| They dominated. | ||
| His voice was incredible. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, it's no wonder they broke up. | ||
| They were hitting it so hard. | ||
| Of course they all lost their mind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like... | |
| Well, I spent time with Diamond Dave. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And he had real conversations, like two hours long. | ||
| Because he used to rent Dove Davidoff's apartment above Dove Davidoff. | ||
| He had a building Dove had, and he used to rent from Dove Davidoff above him. | ||
| And he basically would practice karate. | ||
| He had his helicopter's license. | ||
| He was an EMT, a real paramedic, and saved lives. | ||
| He'd pull somebody out of a car and they'd be like, you're David Lee Roth, what the fuck? | ||
| And he was like, ah! | ||
| But he told us these great stories. | ||
| And he's very, very Spartan. | ||
| He has a bowl and a spoon. | ||
| And sometimes he'd sleep on the roof outside in the tent. | ||
| He's just a real... | ||
| He's a very unusual dude. | ||
| Yeah, he's not into money or anything. | ||
| He's living in a really small apartment in Tokyo now. | ||
| There it is. | ||
| He came on the podcast and talked to us about it. | ||
| He's been living in Tokyo for 10 months. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This is what a trip this guy is. | ||
| They were going to do some shows in Tokyo. | ||
| And I go, how many? | ||
| Like, for how long? | ||
| He's like, we're going to do about two weeks in Tokyo. | ||
| I'm like, okay. | ||
| He went for 10 months. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| For 10 months. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He said that Eddie got sick. | ||
| And so when they had a postponement, it took a long time for them to be able to reschedule because it's a big tour. | ||
| So when Eddie got sick and then they rescheduled, he said, well, hey, I'll just go over there and see what it's like. | ||
| So he fucking moves to Tokyo. | ||
| He used to kayak around Manhattan. | ||
| Did he really? | ||
| Yeah, what are you going to do today? | ||
| I'm going to kayak around Manhattan. | ||
| I'm going to kayak around Manhattan, the island of Manhattan. | ||
| Kayak in the Hudson River. | ||
| He does what he wants when out. | ||
| You know? | ||
| What were you gonna say though? | ||
| He's taking sword classes. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| That's what he's doing. | ||
| He's taking sword fighting classes and learning Japanese. | ||
| So he came over here speaking Japanese and telling us about his fucking sword fight. | ||
| He's 58! | ||
| Well, he refers to karate as karate. | ||
| Karate. | ||
| That's my favorite. | ||
| Well, I studied karate for many years. | ||
| In fact, I've studied so long I feel as though I am karate. | ||
| Well, he has a legit martial arts background. | ||
| There's no doubt about it. | ||
| Like, he definitely, like, I remember he would throw kicks, like, when he would do his shows. | ||
| I'm like, that guy can move his fucking body, man. | ||
| Flexible, can do the splits. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He would throw these, like, crazy high kicks, and you're like, holy shit. | ||
| Like, you can't, like, the way he was throwing kicks was like a guy who's trained martial arts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, and a lot. | |
| Seriously. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, a lot and trained very hard. | ||
| He's in really good shape. | ||
| Yeah, he's in great shape, man. | ||
| It's interesting to meet a guy like that. | ||
| It's like this 58-year-old sort of guy who just still does whatever the fuck you want. | ||
| I don't think I'll go to Japan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck it. | |
| Yeah, I think what happens, though, when you've hit the apex of fame, like when you're a rock star on his level, You're the biggest... | ||
| You don't get more famous than that. | ||
| You just don't. | ||
| On earth. | ||
| On earth. | ||
| And just to play the stadiums and just go crazy. | ||
| And I think once you do that, and you kind of... | ||
| If you're an interested person in the world, you realize that's... | ||
| You get immune to that. | ||
| I think you get immune to it. | ||
| I think you get immune to that public embrace. | ||
| And then you've got to find some way else to keep yourself inspired and excited and interested and, you know... | ||
| That sounds like what he does, man. | ||
| That's why he's got such varied interests, man. | ||
| He's such an interesting dude. | ||
| I've got him on my phone right now. | ||
| I've got their greatest hits. | ||
| I was just listening to them. | ||
| Like Diver Down. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Some of those songs. | ||
| Running with the Devil. | ||
| God damn, those were good songs. | ||
| They were unbelievable. | ||
| But they were so big that it's no wonder that they broke up. | ||
| Who the fuck knows how to manage that? | ||
| I was having a conversation with someone about Justin Bieber, where they're like, you know, did you hear what he did? | ||
| He did this the other day, and that happened the other day. | ||
| I'm like, do you know how fucking crazy I would be if I was Justin Bieber? | ||
| That kid's holding it together remarkably. | ||
| Remarkably well. | ||
| Yeah, when I was 18 or 19 years old, if I had... | ||
| A hundred million dollars on a fucking Ferrari? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Right now, bro. | ||
| Right now. | ||
| Who are you talking to? | ||
| Right now, I'd be a mess. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, that kid's fine. | ||
| He's fine. | ||
| So he spit on somebody. | ||
| Who knows what happened, really? | ||
| Who the fuck knows? | ||
| When you're constantly surrounded by people, oh, he's a nice guy. | ||
| He was at the Laugh Factory. | ||
| He was in the crowd on a Tuesday night, and Dom Herrera gets on stage, and Justin's up there, and he goes, Justin, it must have been really hard for you before you made it, that one tough year when you were like 14. It was fucking great. | ||
| Dom Rivera is awesome. | ||
| Dom Rivera comes up with one-liners just off the top of his head. | ||
| He's an animal. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| He's so fucking legit. | ||
| Oh, fucking Dom. | ||
| He's been doing stand-up for like 100 years at a high level. | ||
| I always love to remind Dom that I paid to see him before I ever did comedy myself. | ||
| So did I. I remember his jokes. | ||
| I did his jokes to him. | ||
| Yeah, I paid to see him at Nick's Comedy Stop. | ||
| I actually went two nights in a row because he missed his flight or something like that on the first night. | ||
| And so that was how I found out about Dennis Leary. | ||
| Dennis Leary went up that night and I was like, who is this guy? | ||
| Where the fuck is Dom Herrera? | ||
| Like, I paid to see Dom Herrera. | ||
| Well, something happened. | ||
| There was like a missed flight or something along those lines. | ||
| So I was like, God, this guy. | ||
| Who's this guy? | ||
| I was like so bummed out. | ||
| But he fucking destroyed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| He destroyed. | ||
| Back then, no cure for cancer. | ||
| I mean, this is before I knew anything about the plagiarism or anything about the bad things you hear about Leary. | ||
| All I knew then, I didn't even know who he was, but he went on and fucking crushed. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| He was like my favorite comedian for like six months. | ||
| It's incredible when you see somebody who's that good at something. | ||
| You see stand-up for the first time and you have maybe designs on... | ||
| I just did this interview just now today for the San Antonio thing and I literally said to the guy, I said, I still can't believe I can do stand-up. | ||
| I can't believe I'm lucky enough. | ||
| I'm truly lucky enough to go around the country and make people laugh. | ||
| I can't believe I have that capacity. | ||
| The great surprise of my life was waking up one day and realizing, I think maybe I can do this if I really practice. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| When did you come to that? | ||
| I always thought you knew you could do that. | ||
| No, man, no. | ||
| I was a silly goose always, as you know. | ||
| But I remember Patty Jenkins, my old girlfriend, the director, said, Brian, I made a speech or something at a wedding or something, and I was funny. | ||
| She said, I got three words for you, dude. | ||
| Stand up comedy. | ||
| You're not gonna walk into a room and there's this guy like, whoa, that guy's really unique. | ||
| He's 5 foot 11, 165 pounds with brown eyes and brown hair. | ||
| You know, you're not gonna go in there looking like something. | ||
| She said, but you're funny. | ||
| And she got me to start doing it. | ||
| And I was like, I can't do this, but I went home and wrote a monologue on what it's like to be reborn a penguin, a legless, flightless bird in the middle of the South Pole. | ||
| And I was like, that's kind of a funny idea, concept, but I don't know. | ||
| And I wrote it and then I came up to my friends that night and I said, Hey, I heard this comic doing these jokes and I pretended it was somebody else and they laughed. | ||
| And that's slowly how I built the set. | ||
| That's funny, man. | ||
| That's a good way of doing it. | ||
| And that's so like your personality to do that. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You're not really a self-congratulatory guy. | ||
| I'm terrible at it. | ||
| So that's what you would do. | ||
| You would congratulate someone else, make a pretend character. | ||
| I did. | ||
| Oh, my friend is so funny. | ||
| He says these things. | ||
| My friend is so funny. | ||
| And I do it and I laugh so hard. | ||
| And I was like, I think I'm onto something. | ||
| That's a very clever way to begin stand-up comedy. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Like to practice on people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| I would do that all the time. | ||
| I'd go, do you hear this comic? | ||
| That guy with the... | ||
| I don't know what he looks like. | ||
| He had red hair, and I would do the joke. | ||
| This was all before I met you. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When I met you, you were doing comedy a little bit, but you had gotten into the door. | ||
| And I don't blame anybody for this, but there's an attitude that exists, or at least it used to, when you got a series or got some sort of a sitcom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You could stop. | |
| Well, you could stop doing your stand-up. | ||
| I actually had... | ||
| A good friend and a guy I respect very much say that to me, who's a producer. | ||
| And I was like, what are you talking about? | ||
| I'm just doing this for money. | ||
| Are you crazy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's right. | |
| Stand-up is the greatest thing in the world. | ||
| You don't know because you've never done it. | ||
| And even if you do it and you suck at it, if there's a possibility that you can get good enough to be good at it, stick with that shit. | ||
| Stick with that shit. | ||
| It's so much fun. | ||
| It's way better than acting. | ||
| It's also a constant challenge. | ||
| If you're a rock star, you can sing the same song for 30 years. | ||
| The Stones can still sing Start Me Up and Everybody Cheers. | ||
| You fucking stand up. | ||
| You've got to reinvent yourself. | ||
| When they come to see you, they want to see a new bag of tricks, bro. | ||
| They're not there to see or do your greatest hits. | ||
| Yeah, I put out my special whenever it was a couple months ago. | ||
| I'm not doing a single bit from that. | ||
| That's it. | ||
| It's all done. | ||
| That shit's dead and buried. | ||
| That's what all my stuff is doing. | ||
| It's fun to do though, man, because I've been inspired by quite a few guys that do that on a regular basis. | ||
| Bill Burr does that on a regular basis. | ||
| Louis C.K. does that on a regular basis. | ||
| And I think he got a lot of people thinking that way. | ||
| Just throw your shit out. | ||
| And it's totally right, because what you really want to see is a lot of different material from comedians. | ||
| It also keeps you in a really active state of mind. | ||
| I've really learned how to write anywhere, no matter what, and I'm always thinking of new stuff. | ||
| Yeah, it's like we decide how hard we can push ourselves. | ||
| Like, oh god, a new hour a year, I couldn't do it. | ||
| Yeah, you probably could. | ||
| You probably could, dude. | ||
| Just fucking go to work. | ||
| And then when you do do it, like when you are coming up with new stuff, it's so exciting. | ||
| The shows have a different energy to them because you're still laughing at the shit, too. | ||
| It's still hitting you. | ||
| And I don't know how you are when you're creating material, but when I'm creating material, I don't even know where the fuck it's coming from. | ||
| I never feel like it's mine. | ||
| I never do. | ||
| That's that beautiful notion that you're a channel for something that already exists. | ||
| Well, I think it's because the only way to truly use your creativity correctly is to take your sense of you out of the equation. | ||
| So it's not really that you're tapping into a muse, per se, as to take you out of the equation allows all the creativity to sort of appear and unfold. | ||
| It's you, this idea of you. | ||
| Ego is such an overwhelmingly constricting mindset. | ||
| Let me piggyback on that before you go on. | ||
| I love this. | ||
| I love what you're saying. | ||
| And when you say ego, a lot of that – and for young people, let me get specific and I think a lot of it is we all define ourselves on very strong lines. | ||
| Men, especially in this society, are told to define yourself along strong lines. | ||
| Lines. | ||
| You know, I'm a fighter. | ||
| I'm a tough guy. | ||
| You can't push me. | ||
| Whatever it might be. | ||
| I'm a musician. | ||
| That comes with a lot of baggage. | ||
| And I think that one of the nice things about learning how to create is to loosen those lines a little bit. | ||
| Don't try to define yourself. | ||
| You don't have to be right. | ||
| Don't pigeonhole yourself into, I'm a tough guy or I'm this guy. | ||
| No, not when you're creating. | ||
| And it goes back to what you said. | ||
| Take yourself out of the equation. | ||
| Well, people try to define themselves because they're insecure. | ||
| That's how when I was a young man and I was insecure, that's when I tried to define myself. | ||
| I tried to pretend to be somebody. | ||
| As much as I wanted to be an individual, a complete individual, I certainly wasn't good at it. | ||
| Well, but it's also like I just played volleyball with Brandon Schaub, Mayhem Miller, and my buddy Kieran, all fighters, obviously. | ||
| And I'm sitting there looking at these fucking – Jason has been fighting for 15 years, retired now, but he's still a fucking rough, athletic big guy. | ||
| And I'm looking at fucking Schaub, who should just have a statue – I should have a statue built to him that I can just, you know – and I'm looking at – What the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| I'm gay. | ||
| I mean, no, I'm straight. | ||
| When I talk about Brendan, I get very gay. | ||
| No, but I'm looking at how big and strong these guys are. | ||
| I thought to myself, there's always somebody stronger. | ||
| There's always somebody stronger than those guys. | ||
| And by the way... | ||
| No, that's not true. | ||
| There's going to be one strongest guy. | ||
| There's got to be. | ||
| There's always got to be someone stronger. | ||
| But that kind of brings me to my point, which is the idea that there's not a real difference in some ways between me and Schaub or somebody who's really big in the sense that, yes, they're stronger, but we're all compared to somebody else. | ||
| We're all kind of like, depending on what context you're standing in, I'm stronger than this guy over here. | ||
| He's stronger than me. | ||
| Do you really think about this shit? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Well, I was just thinking about how we try to kind of aim for certain things. | ||
| Yeah, but you're 45. No, I'm not talking about that. | ||
| You're 46. I'm using it as an example. | ||
| I'm just using it as an example of anything you do. | ||
| Like if you're a musician and you want to play like that guy, I'm just saying that the only thing that matters is that is a false way of going about things. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-huh. | |
| All you can do is control your own expression and who you are. | ||
| That's all you can do is go... | ||
| There is no... | ||
| The idea of comparing to something bigger is an illusion almost. | ||
| The only thing you can do is try to not dilute who you are. | ||
| You want to keep it as... | ||
| It's so hard to say. | ||
| Saying that and doing that, it's like, what is he saying? | ||
| What does he mean? | ||
| You got to know that... | ||
| Your ego will fuck you up, man. | ||
| Your ego, even though you feel like it's a part of you and you feel like it's good to have it protect you so you'll bullshit yourself about things, it's super important to know when you fuck up and not be in denial. | ||
| Because when you're in denial, it sets you back. | ||
| Because no one's perfect. | ||
| I'm not perfect. | ||
| You're not perfect. | ||
| There's not a single perfect human being. | ||
| The idea is ridiculous. | ||
| Because it's like you're a different person depending on when I catch you. | ||
| You're a different person depending on what time of the day and what happened to you recently or what bad thing has gone down in your life. | ||
| You're a different person every minute of every day, 365 days a year sometimes. | ||
| You're like a river in a way. | ||
| Trying to say, this is who I am. | ||
| I'm a tough guy or I'm this. | ||
| You gotta just learn from mistakes always, of course. | ||
| Have the ethic of, you know, just trying to be a good person. | ||
| Just trying to be nice. | ||
| Yeah, but let me ask you this. | ||
| Like, you were saying, and I was thinking about this the other day. | ||
| You know, nobody's perfect. | ||
| You can try to strive for perfection. | ||
| It's kind of a good thing. | ||
| You don't ever reach it. | ||
| But the idea is you can imagine what perfection is in a way. | ||
| Like, you ever feel that way? | ||
| You ever feel like you're doing this thing, which is stand-up, and you keep putting out stuff. | ||
| In your mind's eye, you have a notion of what What the perfect... | ||
| I don't. | ||
| I think that's all a waste. | ||
| This is what I do, or what I try to do. | ||
| I just try to keep writing funny shit. | ||
| Write it, make it funny, put it together, and just do it. | ||
| For the sake of the doing of it. | ||
| I explained this to Ari once, but it's applicable to me too. | ||
| Ari and I were talking about Comedy and like what's going on now that he has like real fans and this new obligation. | ||
| And I said, you know, if I go, I'm an Ari Shafir fan. | ||
| I go, I think you're really hilarious. | ||
| So if I was, you know, take me out of the context of being a professional stand up comedian, if I was a guy just doing something else. | ||
| And I found out about Ari, I'd be like, oh, this guy's funny. | ||
| I would want to buy his CD. I would want to buy his DVD. I would become an Ari Shafir fan. | ||
| I go, but once that happens, you're the only guy who can give me Ari Shafir. | ||
| You're the only guy who can produce that material. | ||
| Like, you have this weird obligation. | ||
| And if you do something like this, comics that were really big at one point in time and they sort of stopped delivering comedy, they stopped making new specials, and people sort of gave up on them because they don't really talk about them that much anymore because they're not getting material from them on a regular basis. | ||
| So you're the only Brian Callen. | ||
| You're the only guy who can reach Brian Callen fans. | ||
| So I just try to... | ||
| I know that people think that the ridiculous shit that I do is funny, and I know how to do the ridiculous shit I do. | ||
| So I just keep doing it. | ||
| That's my thinking. | ||
| Yeah, I guess the idea of perfection is really a static notion, and you're never static. | ||
| You're always a verb. | ||
| Always trying to update the bits. | ||
| It's a little bit different in every show. | ||
| There's always something new. | ||
| I'm adding. | ||
| I'm taking away. | ||
| I'm approaching it. | ||
| I'm trying to find out how to do it the right way. | ||
| And I'll learn along the way through trial and error and from my own feelings of being too verbose or too clunky or whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| So in that way, in doing it like that, like, You're never in the equation. | ||
| The equation is always the impact of the material. | ||
| What is the best way I can do to make this funny? | ||
| If I'm experiencing this myself, what is the best way to do it? | ||
| So you sort of become a passenger. | ||
| It's like you're the one who has to sort of orchestrate it. | ||
| You know, the concept of the muse, I hate when I say you know that many times. | ||
| The concept of the muse, that's a faker's um. | ||
| You know, I really should be like, um, um. | ||
| I'm like, you know, no, you don't know anything. | ||
| You don't know what the fuck you're even talking about right now. | ||
| But I feel like it's, um... | ||
| The more you can take yourself out of it, the more you can say, I just want to be the best I can be, I want to be perfect, I want to be... | ||
| All that I shit is like, that guy's not doing any comedy. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That one who needs all that, that's an annoying, that ego thing, that's a creepy part of you that you don't want to feed. | ||
| You want that to shrivel up. | ||
| You want that to shrivel up. | ||
| It's really interesting. | ||
| You're saying something really interesting because I remember Lawrence Olivier was a famous actor and he'd done this production of, you know, King Othello or something like that. | ||
| And he was amazing and everybody came back and said, it was the most incredible performance and he was in a really dark mood. | ||
| And I said, but what's the matter? | ||
| He goes, that was the greatest performance we've anybody's ever seen. | ||
| And he said, I know. | ||
| I just have no idea how to repeat it. | ||
| And his thinking was wrong in a sense there. | ||
| You just got to go zen. | ||
| You got to go zen. | ||
| You got to go zen and understand that if you can do that, that means you could do that. | ||
| That doesn't mean you're going to do it every night. | ||
| I mean, there's going to be nights. | ||
| There's times when I'm talking on this podcast where every third or fourth fucking word is my fat stupid tongue is hitting my teeth wrong. | ||
| Excuse me. | ||
| It's called marijuana. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| It's not even that! | ||
| It's not that. | ||
| I'm a pretty good yapper. | ||
| What I'm trying to say is there's ebbs and flows to things. | ||
| There's never a perfect, absolute, sustainable rhythm for anything. | ||
| So if Laurence of Olivier can crush it like that, what that means is that he can crush it like that. | ||
| It doesn't mean he's going to crush it like that every night, but he crushed it like that live. | ||
| And it's live. | ||
| When things are live, it's a different experience. | ||
| Do you remember in the Book of Five Rings when Miyamoto Masashi says, practice something enough so that the thing of itself reveals itself? | ||
| The spirit of the thing reveals itself? | ||
| What do you think he meant by that? | ||
| Well, because the same thing he meant that if you know the way broadly... | ||
| You can see it in all things. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| It's like the way is the spirit of a thing is really excellence, whether it's bowling or golf or archery. | ||
| The spirit of a thing is excellence. | ||
| The spirit of a thing is finding how to control the body and to get it all online where you run up and do that perfect three-point Foul shot. | ||
| Did you ever see that video of that autistic kid that never played basketball before and they threw him in on the last game? | ||
| Brian, find this on my Twitter. | ||
| This is incredible shit, man. | ||
| Incredible, incredible shit. | ||
| This kid, it's kind of unrelated, but this kid is a high-functioning autistic, and they put him in on this basketball game. | ||
| And he's, like, you could tell the kid's, like, loved by all these teammates. | ||
| And when they take this kid, and they finally let him play in the game, it's like one of their last games, the kid gets up. | ||
| The place goes nuts. | ||
| They love him. | ||
| They're cheering for him. | ||
| He throws his first ball and he misses by like six feet. | ||
| And they're like, oh Jesus Christ. | ||
| And then he can't miss. | ||
| He's nailing three-pointers from the outside and the crowd is going fucking crazy. | ||
| This kid misses one shot and then gets in this insane groove of over and over and over again slamming three-pointers. | ||
| He won like... | ||
| The school record. | ||
| See, he misses. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's... | |
| That's not it. | ||
| There's a... | ||
| Yeah, that's one of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But J-Mac wasn't done. | ||
| He kept shooting and kept hitting. | ||
| Another three. | ||
| Oh, did you start this, like, inside of it a little bit? | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, the beginning, they show the first basket, which he misses, by, like, six feet. | ||
| And then... | ||
| Look at all these kids. | ||
| Oh, they went crazy. | ||
| Look at them run on the field. | ||
| Grab them, and they're picking them up and carrying them around. | ||
| Imagine how good that kid must have fallen. | ||
|
unidentified
|
As an athletic director, if I retired today, this would be the one thing that I talked about forever. | |
| Wow. | ||
| Dude, are you kidding me? | ||
| Isn't that amazing? | ||
| That's another word for excellence, I think, as you speak about it, is harmony. | ||
| Everything moving in the way it's supposed to. | ||
| That's what it sounded like you were talking about. | ||
| That's kind of like harmonizing with a frequency, man. | ||
| Like getting into something and a pattern and where everything is firing the way it should. | ||
| Yeah, and understanding what it really is. | ||
| In Musashi talking about, it's totally applicable to stand-up comedy. | ||
| Because in talking about, the more time you practice it, and the more you observe it, and the more you understand it, the more what it is reveals itself to you. | ||
| And then you know how to operate and try to achieve excellence within it, whatever it is. | ||
| You're almost riding it. | ||
| It's doing the Yeah, that's why I think that activities are really important for people. | ||
| There's a lot of people that unfortunately don't engage in activity. | ||
| They don't engage and they don't have hobbies. | ||
| Yeah, anything like that. | ||
| Learn a language. | ||
| Do something. | ||
| Do something that's exciting. | ||
| You learn the art of learning. | ||
| You know, the problem with our education system, Gore Vidal was saying this, was that we don't have an education system that teaches you how to think. | ||
| Right. | ||
| We don't. | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| And that's... | ||
| There is an art to learning, man. | ||
| There's an art to learning. | ||
| There's an art to... | ||
| It's an art to being a human being. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| It really is. | ||
| And no one teaches us. | ||
| We don't know what the fuck we're doing. | ||
| We're all idiots raising other people with the same flaws that we were raised with. | ||
| There's no manual for it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And there's... | ||
| When you look at what we consider our... | ||
| Our source of education as far as, like, what is distributed to us nightly? | ||
| What's the news, right? | ||
| I mean, that's really the education that people have today. | ||
| Once you get out of school, unless you're reading books on your own, where are you getting your information about the world? | ||
| You're getting it from the fucking news. | ||
| Well, the news doesn't really represent what's A, going on in the world, and B, it doesn't say anything about how you should be dealing with this. | ||
| How you should be thinking, how we should resolve these issues. | ||
| It's like this tattletale that just goes running over and tells us about all the fucked up shit that's happening in the world, but it's not a dialogue with a person. | ||
| It's like a source of information. | ||
| By the way, that complaint... | ||
| It goes back at least 3,500 years. | ||
| Socrates, when he was in his trial, said, you wouldn't take a horse to try to ride it and not train it. | ||
| The same applies to a human being. | ||
| You've got to start with the notion of he was trying to teach philosophy in the sense that you better know what questions to ask throughout your life. | ||
| And we should start with young people, educate young people the right way with the right questions. | ||
| If you don't do that, then you've got to start with a base almost. | ||
| We don't. | ||
| We don't do that, man. | ||
| It's almost like learning jiu-jitsu just learning moves without learning the principles behind it first. | ||
| Yeah, well, it's also like learning jiu-jitsu without going over the real correct drills. | ||
| Learning real live applications and the way school is set up. | ||
| The way school is set up, they have X amount of thousand kids and they have to get these kids through with a basic understanding of the building blocks of our world. | ||
| They have to understand math. | ||
| They have to understand how to structure a sentence. | ||
| They have to understand how to form paragraphs. | ||
| They've got to know what happened in the past, and then you're off on your own. | ||
| Good luck, fucker. | ||
| Next stop, college. | ||
| You talk about taking yourself out of the equation. | ||
| That's an Asian thing more than a Western thing, certainly more than American. | ||
| They had Chinese people look at a fish tank, and then they had Americans look at a fish tank. | ||
| The Americans described the fish. | ||
| The Chinese described how the relationship between the rocks, the seaweed, the fish, the boat in there, and everything. | ||
| They were looking at the entire picture. | ||
| My buddy was a paramedic in Vietnam for two tours. | ||
| One of the things he found was that the Viet Cong, when they would get injured, they wouldn't go into shock. | ||
| You could interrogate them. | ||
| They wouldn't go into shock. | ||
| The Americans would get hit and a lot of times they'd go into shock. | ||
| It's very dangerous when you go into shock, which is actually, you know what shock is? | ||
| The panic, the lockup, adrenaline flush, overload. | ||
| Yeah, but your body will take all the blood from your extremities and go right to where the wound is, like sort of like the core area and your body can shut down. | ||
| It's very dangerous. | ||
| And that is from panic. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| That's from your heart races instead of slowing down. | ||
| And so, why? | ||
| Well, one of the things was that when an American would get shot, you'd go, holy shit, I've been shot, and you focus on that wound. | ||
| When a Viet Cong would get shot, they were taught that the whole culture wasn't about you. | ||
| You were a leaf on a very big tree. | ||
| Put your attention out there. | ||
| And that was kind of one of the things he took back from Vietnam, because somebody said to him, you know, you've been teaching this acting class from 7 to 12 for five years. | ||
| I've never seen you yawn once, not once. | ||
| And he says, I don't think about myself. | ||
| I'm never part of this equation, man. | ||
| I learned a long time ago, even if I'm tired, it's just a form of energy. | ||
| And I spent a lot of time, if I start worrying about being tired, I'll get tired. | ||
| He was 55 and he just was very good at taking himself completely out of the equation. | ||
| Yeah, I think that you can definitely trip yourself up with some bad behavior patterns as far as your feeling and your health and the The negativity that you see in the environment all over the place. | ||
| I mean, we've all been around that one person that just complains about everything. | ||
| Like, oh, great. | ||
| Look at the hotel we're staying at. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| Look at this fucking place. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| Great, great. | ||
| This place hasn't been updated since the 70s. | ||
| Like, will you shut the fuck up, man? | ||
| There's a guy who, I don't want to speak out of turn, I don't know his name, but he's a writer, tried to kill himself, and he was listening to birds. | ||
| And his girl was there and she was talking to him and she said, listen to the birds. | ||
| He goes, what do you hear? | ||
| He said, I don't like listening to birds. | ||
| She said, why? | ||
| She goes, they're so beautiful. | ||
| He says, you hear beauty, I hear a bunch of animals trying to fight for territory and scratch out and yelling at each other. | ||
| And she went, hey, dude, don't ruin birds for me, man. | ||
| You may be smart as fuck, but I don't want to be your kind of smart, you know? | ||
| And it really is a question of what you choose to look at, what you choose to hear. | ||
| Well, how emotionally invested you choose to be and whether these birds fight to the death. | ||
| It's also your belief system, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You can change your belief system in some ways. | ||
| Well, it's choosing whether or not you're going to be affected by all this information. | ||
| What I was going to say is that when we were talking about needing some sort of a lesson in how to think and how to operate the mind, If the human mind, if the human body was just the human experience, if that was an An instrument that you had to learn to use. | ||
| Think about navigating the human life with the human body and language and think about if you came from somewhere else and the human body wasn't and the human experience wasn't just a person living a life but rather was a ride. | ||
| That you had to figure out how to master, how to accomplish, and that the human animal with its creative abilities, with its abilities to reach out to people, with its ability to build buildings and use electricity and all these different things, that's a vehicle. | ||
| That's what that is. | ||
| Learn it. | ||
| Learn how to use that vehicle. | ||
| You would have intensive study For years and years and years of just trying to figure out how to go about the correct way of doing this. | ||
| It would be like, you know, you'd have to figure out what is the best way to think? | ||
| What is the best way, most beneficial way to you to approach every project as a person moving around in this human world with this human machine? | ||
| It would be like a super complicated thing. | ||
| But instead, it's just two people fucking... | ||
| Some guy shoots a load in the girl. | ||
| She swells up. | ||
| A person comes out. | ||
| No one knows shit. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| So the three of them are standing there. | ||
| No one knows what the fuck is going on. | ||
| And they keep doing the same thing. | ||
| They keep interacting with each other. | ||
| The same thing. | ||
| The way the human... | ||
| The way the human being and the human body interacts with the world is so bizarre and complicated. | ||
| And to get it right and correct takes so much fucking thinking. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| We just let these things just go loose out into the world. | ||
| Which is why people are desperate and lonely and forsaken and forgotten. | ||
| Well, we're caught in this machine. | ||
| There's a real machine going on with society today, and that machine is the building of society, the increasing of bandwidth, the interconnectivity that's provided by technology. | ||
| It's all of that, and it's all of that With this exponentially increasing momentum behind it. | ||
| And we're all caught up in that. | ||
| And we're caught up in that. | ||
| And we have mortgages. | ||
| And we have bills. | ||
| And we have all these. | ||
| But what we're doing is we're feeding this system. | ||
| We're feeding this system of televisions and computers. | ||
| And cell phones. | ||
| And new clothes. | ||
| It's distracting. | ||
| It's so distracting. | ||
| You start unknowledgeable. | ||
| And the Greeks always said you go from knowledge, but you don't jump all the way to wisdom. | ||
| There's an in-between place, which is correct opinion. | ||
| Correct opinion comes from when you study as you're reaching for wisdom, you start to develop as the world crystallizes around you with the right teaching and stuff. | ||
| You start to learn what sort of the correct way to look and reach and follow and the correct opinion is. | ||
| And then you finally get to a point where you understand and can explain Why that is the correct opinion? | ||
| That takes a long fucking time. | ||
| That's life mastery in a way, but it's like what you're saying is it's it's it's we don't have a system and we try to with public education But we don't have a way or a system to really teach people how to live No, no one knows what the fuck they're doing and we the the people that we were raised by they didn't know what the fuck they're doing either I mean my parents are very nice people and My mother is with my stepdad. | ||
| They've been together forever. | ||
| They're a very nice couple. | ||
| They're very nice people. | ||
| But they were raised by people who didn't know shit. | ||
| And their parents were raised by people who didn't know shit. | ||
| And this era that we're living in right now, it's like human beings are just starting to wake up and realize that we were all living in this weird sort of momentous world, this world that moves on momentum. | ||
| And momentum doesn't make any sense at all. | ||
| And we're all just waking up realizing that it was set up by people who didn't know what the fuck they were doing. | ||
| I mean, they knew how to build buildings, they knew how to use electricity, but no one knew how to teach society how to chill the fuck out, relax, and enjoy each other. | ||
| Not one fucking person, besides like Martin Luther King and a few people with some dreamy speeches, not one person emphasizes that in the role of government. | ||
| Not one person is pushing, like, Can't we figure out a way that human beings are just nicer to each other? | ||
| Can't we figure out a way where there's maybe a little bit less profit but also less pollution and less fucking with people and less control over the human populace? | ||
| Isn't that possible? | ||
| I would say though you're also dealing with the residue of most of human history. | ||
| Almost all of it has been not enough to eat and dying of Oh yeah, no, it's no doubt there's been a lot of things that led us to this point, but this is also the first point. | ||
| We have a responsibility. | ||
| As the human beings that have the first access to this sort of information, to not be looked at like a bunch of silly fucks by the people of the future. | ||
| Because that's a real problem. | ||
| Because if I look back, I'm living this life right now, just looking at all the silly nonsense that human beings are involved with. | ||
| I look on Twitter and everybody has these fucking equal signs on their Twitter avatar. | ||
| To let every one know that they're into marriage equality. | ||
| It's equality. | ||
| It's marriage equality. | ||
| You should be... | ||
| That's like saying, having that on your Twitter avatar, you might as well just say, water's wet. | ||
| Is hot hot? | ||
| Is cold cold? | ||
| Of course marriage equality makes sense. | ||
| The fact that you even have to... | ||
| Who are you talking to? | ||
| But seriously, in 2013, we should find out who doesn't have that on their avatar. | ||
| It should be that. | ||
| How about nobody use their face anymore? | ||
| And let's find out. | ||
| And the people who have a problem with it, who give a shit, whether or not a couple of lesbians want to marry each other, you're an asshole. | ||
| Like, you're an asshole. | ||
| And maybe nobody tells you you're an asshole. | ||
| But why do you give a fuck about them? | ||
| You worrying at all about what other people are doing sucks. | ||
| It sucks for everyone around you. | ||
| You fuck everything up. | ||
| You care that two people love each other and they want to sign some paperwork. | ||
| Why do you give a fuck? | ||
| Why do you give a fuck if she signs some paperwork that the other chick's going to be her ass-eating slave till the end of time? | ||
| And she'll have to be reincarnated as a future ass-eater. | ||
| And upon turning 18, we'll resume her practice. | ||
| Because this chick's going to be immortal. | ||
| Write that on paper! | ||
| What fucking difference does it make? | ||
| Why do you care? | ||
| If you care, you're an asshole. | ||
| You're just an asshole. | ||
| I never understood it. | ||
| I never understood that. | ||
| It's fucking dumb. | ||
| It's the desire to control other people and impose your mythology or your belief system on someone else. | ||
| It's some really uncreative fucks, too, who are not thinking about how ridiculous you're going to look in the future. | ||
| When they're looking back in the past, the way they looked at those idiots that thought that leeches were the best way to cure your broken leg... | ||
| Those fucking people, we laugh at them today. | ||
| And don't tell me about scientific applications of leeches, you fucks. | ||
| Because there's none. | ||
| I can just see you getting a bunch of those. | ||
| There's none. | ||
| You stop it. | ||
| People are like, you know, there are medical applications for leeches. | ||
| Like, people sent me that because I was making fun of leeches. | ||
| No, aren't they using them for gangrene? | ||
| Yeah, you can use them for stuff. | ||
| But guess what? | ||
| Medicine works better. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For almost everything. | ||
| Maggots. | ||
| Yeah, maggots. | ||
| But they do use leeches for something, too, like to coagulate blood or some shit. | ||
| Well, maggots will eat all the necrophied tissue, right? | ||
| They'll clean up. | ||
| Yeah, and they stop infections. | ||
| It's really kind of crazy. | ||
| It's good for you. | ||
| Then maggots eating your flesh is good for you. | ||
| They put a cast on you. | ||
| They throw a bunch of maggots down there. | ||
| Yeah, because they can't eat you. | ||
| They can only eat the stuff that's fucked up. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, they're not really, like, good eaters. | ||
| No. | ||
| So, like, it pays to have them all mushed up in your wounds. | ||
| And they actually... | ||
| Apparently, they're good eating if you need to. | ||
| Well, they're a high source of protein, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You can keep that shit... | ||
| Isn't it interesting how we have these really clear views about what is and isn't good food or something that you should eat? | ||
| And crabs and spiders, could there be an animal that's closer to looking like each other? | ||
| Well, they're in the same family. | ||
| Yeah, they're in the same family. | ||
| Once I found out that lobsters were in the lice family, I couldn't eat lobsters anymore. | ||
| What do you mean they're in the lice family? | ||
| Have you ever seen those dudes in the jungle that cook up the tarantulas? | ||
| No. | ||
| You've never seen them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| They look yummy! | ||
| It looks like a soft-shelled crab! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I bet you it is! | ||
| I bet they taste good. | ||
| They're all in the same family. | ||
| But we have this weird thing, right? | ||
| Like, when we're talking about maggots. | ||
| Like, if it wasn't maggots. | ||
| Look, what is hemp forest protein? | ||
| It's fucking ground-up plants. | ||
| Mushy ground-up plants. | ||
| Like, okay, you eat plants. | ||
| Got it. | ||
| Okay, what are maggots? | ||
| Maggots are just these little fleshy things. | ||
| Baby flies, right? | ||
| Okay, what do you eat? | ||
| Tell me what you do eat. | ||
| What are you cool with? | ||
| Are you cool with yogurt? | ||
| I ate the flesh off an animal. | ||
| You're cool with yogurt? | ||
| You know what that is? | ||
| You're eating like a fucking civilization. | ||
| You're eating a living organism. | ||
| You're eating acidophilus, a pure living organism. | ||
| All bacteria. | ||
| Yeah, what are you doing, stupid? | ||
| Do you know what you're doing? | ||
| But you're like, no, maggots are bad. | ||
| Maggots are your little buddies. | ||
| They're your little wound-cleaning buddies. | ||
| They're full of protein, and you're saying no to them. | ||
| But yet you're... | ||
| Just chugging down that fucking corn-fed beef. | ||
| These fatty, diseased cows. | ||
| Fat, sloppy, heart-pounding as they pump sludgy blood through fucking caked-up arteries. | ||
| Abscess livers living in their own shit. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Just the fucking amount of fat that you get. | ||
| But that's the only way you get a delicious ribeye. | ||
| The kind that you really... | ||
| Oh, you cook it over mesquite. | ||
| Just a little salt and pepper. | ||
| Don't get crazy. | ||
| All you need is a little salt and pepper. | ||
| The grass-fed beef, though, once you get used to that, to me, I feel so much better eating it. | ||
| Maybe it's psychological. | ||
| No, the oils, first of all, they're ruminants, so cows are supposed to eat grass. | ||
| They don't eat grains. | ||
| Well, they're definitely, you're eating a healthier animal, for sure. | ||
| It tastes more like game. | ||
| And also, the oils in the meat are very different when they eat grass versus when they eat corn. | ||
| The oils are? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| The fatty acids are, I believe, I can't remember what it is, but the fatty acids literally change from like omega-3 to omega-6 or something like that. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So when you eat a bison or you eat grass-fed beef, the oils are healthier and a lot of heart doctors on Dr. Oz are prescribing grass-fed beef because it helps with inflammation. | ||
| It actually brings inflammation in the body down according to a lot of research. | ||
| That's really interesting because I talked to a woman who was a chiropractor. | ||
| We were talking about discs, you know, because I got a disc issue on my back. | ||
| And she said, besides this thing called the McKenzie Protocol, which is like a series of stretches that they use to elongate the spine, she said changing the diet is very important. | ||
| She recommended a bunch of different anti-inflammatories and cutting out all wheat. | ||
| Believe it or not, people who are eating gluten, more and more people are sort of understanding that what you're doing is just slowly poisoning yourself with that stuff, but you can handle it. | ||
| That's really what's going on. | ||
| When you cut it out, you're like, oh... | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hmm, why do I feel so good now? | ||
| Like, what's going on? | ||
| Like, that stuff's not good for you? | ||
| I stopped eating bread, also because it's got a high glycemic index. | ||
| It kind of like spikes your insulin. | ||
| So I eat brown rice and yams, and I just feel better when I do that. | ||
| I do that... | ||
| But yet, I'm not rigid. | ||
| I still will go to a nice Italian restaurant and have bread with olive oil and balsamic vinegar. | ||
| You mean the way the Sicilians do and they live until 105? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I wonder how much bread they ate. | ||
| Do they eat a lot of bread? | ||
| Well, when you go there, you see the bread they eat. | ||
| It is healthy. | ||
| It's a meal in itself, dude. | ||
| You see the bread up and you go to Northern Italy. | ||
| I went to this place. | ||
| I walk into this bread place. | ||
| That bread is... | ||
| It doesn't look like bread. | ||
| It looks like a block of seeds and nuts. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck? | ||
| You could hit somebody in the head and they die. | ||
| My grandfather came over here during the Depression on a boat. | ||
| His family hopped in a boat from Italy and came over here. | ||
| That's a fun ride, by the way. | ||
| And they lived in this seriously Italian neighborhood in New Jersey. | ||
| And we used to, it was almost dead by the time I got older. | ||
| But when I lived with him for a bit when I first moved to New York, when I was like 23 I guess, 23 or 24, I lived with my grandfather for like a year. | ||
| And he would still go buy his bread from this place in New Jersey. | ||
| And there were some people that had been there from the 1950s. | ||
| They'd been selling bread in this one. | ||
| Probably even more. | ||
| I think it was actually the 30s. | ||
| They were there. | ||
| Real legit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Authentic. | |
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| It was this old school bread place. | ||
| And they would go and get the bread every day. | ||
| And that's how the immigrants got by. | ||
| That shit is delicious, by the way. | ||
| It's like cake. | ||
| Yeah, everything was homemade tomato sauce. | ||
| My grandmother was always cooking things. | ||
| And it was always homemade. | ||
| Look, they grew their own tomatoes. | ||
| They turned them into tomato sauce. | ||
| They made their own pasta. | ||
| My grandmother would be rolling pasta. | ||
| Nothing came out of a can. | ||
| Screaming at my grandfather. | ||
| Get off me, Joe! | ||
| You leave me alone, Joe! | ||
| I'm tired of your bullshit! | ||
| I'm gonna tell you right now! | ||
| I'm gonna move in with my sister! | ||
| My grandparents were Sicilian, and it was the same thing. | ||
| Nothing came out of a can. | ||
| My grandfather was fucking a food purist. | ||
| Well, they didn't have money when they were kids, too. | ||
| It's like the idea of paying for something which costs more when you can grow in your backyard. | ||
| Like, what are you, stupid? | ||
| My grandfather would show up with a wheel of Parmesan. | ||
| A wheel. | ||
| We had a food pantry and it would sit in this big closet like food pantry like you could walk into it. | ||
| You know there's a real issue with cheese in this country and milk in that people want everything to be pasteurized and homogenized and that raw milk when it's from an excellent source It should be available to you just like raw eggs are available to you, just like raw meat, and it should be clear and obvious as to whether or not you're eating bad food. | ||
| Like when you're eating a steak, okay, and if you buy a steak and the steak sits in your refrigerator for like five or six days, you don't get to it, it starts to get a little funky. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| That's because it's a fucking thing from an animal and it used to be alive. | ||
| It's decaying, and that shit's real. | ||
| And as soon as you stop that process, As soon as you step in, you're monkeying around with nature. | ||
| I know it's good and I know it's helped a lot of people get through some really dark times in this world where milk, because it was homogenized and pasteurized, they could keep it longer and it fed people. | ||
| But at a certain point in time, we have to realize that all that homogenization and pasteurization is not the healthy way to do it. | ||
| The healthy way to do it is to eat it fresh. | ||
| Like the healthy way to do anything. | ||
| And then it becomes this industry with taking this milk and changing it. | ||
| Through this process of homogenization and pasteurization. | ||
| Well, what happens to those people? | ||
| If you don't have to homogenize and pasteurize milk, then we're out of business. | ||
| Listen, Charlie, I've been giving you a lot of money all these years. | ||
| I supported you for governor in 84. I supported you again. | ||
| So we've got to make raw milk illegal now. | ||
| It's illegal for your own safety. | ||
| They arrest people for selling raw milk. | ||
| You can't get raw cheese. | ||
| Raw cheese is super fucking hard to get, man. | ||
| Because they want you to use homogenized and pasteurized milk. | ||
| Because if it's just some Joe Blow farmer who has no access to homogenization or pasteurization just starts selling his milk and people actually like it, well, the fucking world could end. | ||
| We've got a real problem. | ||
| And that's why the only thing we should all be talking about is campaign finance reform. | ||
| The idea that money in politics, as long as there's money in politics, you're going to have very powerful, wealthy interests controlling even what the fuck you eat. | ||
| Well, yeah, and I think it's not a bad option. | ||
| This is what I want to once say, because if you are in a low-income household and you're in a situation where when you buy a gallon of milk, like that gallon of milk needs to all be used. | ||
| And stay and keep, yeah, so you need pasteurized milk. | ||
| Right, and if it lasts for a week and a half with pasteurization, but it only lasts three days if it's raw, that fucks your family up. | ||
| I completely understand that. | ||
| So what we have to look at then, if you're looking at a holistic approach, is how do we eliminate that from civilized society? | ||
| How do we eliminate... | ||
| People that are working in such poverty that they're worried about their milk being bad if it goes three days. | ||
| Like milk, how much does milk cost? | ||
| Like what does milk, like four bucks or something like that? | ||
| It all depends. | ||
| For a lot of people, that's a deal breaker. | ||
| Like they're really trying to put it all together. | ||
| That's kind of fucked up. | ||
| That's kind of crazy that, you know, some guy could be working in a job all day, every day, and then they take taxes out of that. | ||
| And then when you look at it, he still doesn't have enough money to eat natural food. | ||
| That's where the food stamps program comes from. | ||
| That's all those things, all those answers. | ||
| But that's not the answer, right? | ||
| The answer is sort of a restructuring of how much your time is worth. | ||
| Figuring out also how to find some way. | ||
| The society we live in is really sort of like a really nutty game. | ||
| Finding your spot in that game and finding how to exact points from that game. | ||
| What you just said is finding your spots because as technology grows exponentially and our economy will start to change exponentially, you've got to figure out how to make yourself useful and traditional Labor and things is not going to be worth, and already is this case, is not going to be worth what it was when a robot can do it and stuff. | ||
| So then where does a human being, where are you, what does your skill set have to be? | ||
| My guess is you're going to have to constantly be taking classes and constantly be changing and constantly be keeping up with an economy that is always moving forward. | ||
| At the speed of life. | ||
| It's moving very quickly. | ||
| The speed of life. | ||
| That's a funny thing to say. | ||
| The speed of life. | ||
| And that's really what it is. | ||
| The speed of life is constantly ever-changing. | ||
| And to think that somehow or another you're obligated to have a job. | ||
| I've been a cobbler. | ||
| My family were cobblers. | ||
| What's going on? | ||
| I can't make shoes anymore. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Change. | |
| I can't. | ||
| Change. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Either that or make some shoes that are undeniably dope. | ||
| Everybody wants to go to your shoe store and buy your handmade shoes because they're so fucking badass. | ||
| But unless you attain that sort of perfection at your craft, you're not going to attract people. | ||
| You're going to have to find something that... | ||
| Imagine if you were really into owning a record store. | ||
| And you're like, man, look, everybody needs records, okay? | ||
| I'll tell you, man, record store is always going to be around. | ||
| It's a great investment. | ||
| I'm going to take my money. | ||
| I'm going to put it in records. | ||
| Economists always talk about this. | ||
| Economists always talk about how things become obsolete, and there's always got to be. | ||
| The capitalist economy is based on the notion that here's how they do it, and I'm going to come along and do it better for a premium. | ||
| I'll come up with a better way to do what you're doing, and that's the idea. | ||
| I've got a better car for you. | ||
| Your car's breaking down. | ||
| I've got a better car. | ||
| I'll fix that problem for you. | ||
| Sort of, but yeah, I mean, we are always constantly improving things, and that's one of the more fascinating things about the human condition to me. | ||
| You know, I love that. | ||
| I got this Apple Retina laptop thing. | ||
| Look how skinny, so tiny and light. | ||
| I love that. | ||
| I love... | ||
| And you don't need any more computers than that. | ||
| It's not like I can... | ||
| Oh, but you're so wrong. | ||
| I do. | ||
| If they come up with a new one, it's better and more awesome. | ||
| Well, yeah, yeah, but I'm just saying that, you know... | ||
| There's not a huge difference. | ||
| Once you get that, it's all you need. | ||
| It's very easy now to get everything you need as far as a visual experience or just access to information. | ||
| I think to try to deny or slow down the idea that we're going to continue to pump out newer, greater, crazier shit and that you're going to continue to want it lustfully. | ||
| It's ridiculous at this point. | ||
| It's fucking ridiculous. | ||
| It's a part of what humans are. | ||
| And your attraction to it is just like your attraction to tits. | ||
| It doesn't make a whole lot of sense, especially if you know you're never going to be able to touch them, but a girl with great tits can walk in the room and you just go, oh, look at those fucking things. | ||
| Changes the whole fucking equation. | ||
| What a good kid. | ||
| You just look at them, they're just round, and they move when she moves. | ||
| Every girl in the room is pissed because she's not wearing a bra. | ||
| Oh, that fucking bitch. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| I can't believe she's not wearing a bra. | ||
| What a fucking whore. | ||
| Oh my god, I can't believe she's not wearing a bra. | ||
| She shows up in my fucking thing and she's not even wearing a bra. | ||
| This fucking pig. | ||
| She shows up. | ||
| Her tits are poking out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's a real pig. | |
| She's trying to suck every dick in the room. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Otherwise known as my type. | ||
| I remember when I was with a bunch of girls, and I was like, I don't know, a long time ago, and this girl comes in, and she had eyeliner on, and she had, like, she'd drawn a line around her lips. | ||
| She had this, she was like really kind of, she had high heels, and all the girls were like, ew, look at how gross she is. | ||
| She's just so fucking trashy. | ||
| And I was like, that's what I call 1,000% this guy's type, you fucking, you fucking boring white chicks from Connecticut with your flat shoes and your shitty jeans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha! | |
| The East Coast holds those hot girls down. | ||
| Goddamn, does it ever? | ||
| They hold them down. | ||
| They ridicule them. | ||
| They think they're a bad part of society. | ||
| When women see girls dressing slutty or flirty, they fucking hate them. | ||
| That's like Boston Irish chicks. | ||
| Fuck that chick. | ||
| Nice heels, you fucking hooker. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Does your mother know you're out there sucking cock for nickels? | |
| Exactly. | ||
| Hey, that's attractive, honey. | ||
| I think I'll date you and not the fucking Italian princess over there. | ||
| They'll hold her back. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| With her painted toes and her fucking skimpy skirt. | ||
| They hate. | ||
| Haters. | ||
| Haters. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| It's sad. | ||
| There's a lot of haters out there, man. | ||
| And it's a sad thing that women can't express themselves the way they want to. | ||
| I might be that way, though. | ||
| Like, if I didn't have outlets, like... | ||
| What do you mean you might be like that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| In other words, if you were just a dude and there was some guy who shows up, like, fucking Schaub shows up, like, with his shirt off, and the girls are all like, I want to have sex with that guy. | ||
| And even your wife is like, I love that guy. | ||
| Well, your wife's a cunt. | ||
| She keeps her mouth shut. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| That's bullshit. | ||
| When dudes bring their wife over to me sometimes and they'll say something like, you know, you're the one on the list. | ||
| Like, she's a lot of other sex people. | ||
| I'm like, what are you talking about, stupid? | ||
| Like, why are you accepting that from her? | ||
| You know, why would you let anybody... | ||
| And these guys are like, look... | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| If your wife says, oh, I think Brendan Schaub's hot. | ||
| She's an asshole. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Right? | ||
| If you're married to some chick and she does that. | ||
| Just like you're a douchebag if you make her feel like that. | ||
| Right, exactly. | ||
| If you do that on purpose, that's... | ||
| No, but I'm just saying... | ||
| That as a guy, you have outlets. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| A lot of guys are better looking at it. | ||
| I just go, yeah, I make you laugh, so fuck you. | ||
| And you like me anyway, because... | ||
| You have a reoccurring theme. | ||
| I do. | ||
| You have a reoccurring theme where you're accepting, you're like, look, I'm not the this, I'm not the that, I'm not the this, I'm not the that, but I'm the this. | ||
| You know, that's this reoccurring thing. | ||
| It is very self-defining, you know? | ||
| I've been writing a script about that. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, but a guy tries to become a man. | ||
| Let that shit go. | ||
| No way. | ||
| Who's going to star in it? | ||
| Paul Reiser? | ||
| Yes, he is. | ||
| Paul Reiser. | ||
| And Paul Reiser! | ||
| No disrespect to Paul Reiser. | ||
| I just, I loved him in Aliens. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was his greatest movie ever. | ||
| I auditioned for Paul Reiser once. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was really cool. | |
| Did you ever see him in Aliens? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It wasn't a funny role at all. | ||
| It was like a really creepy guy role and he fucking nailed it. | ||
| His acting was so believable, man. | ||
| He played a real creep, man, and he did an awesome job. | ||
| That's a great role. | ||
| I was amazed that he never did more serious roles because he was so good in that. | ||
| I mean, maybe he didn't enjoy it. | ||
| You know, I mean, he was in one of the greatest horror movies of all time. | ||
| I mean, why not just, like, cut your losses? | ||
| But he went and did, like, a lot of comedies. | ||
| But he was awesome. | ||
| He just made so much money on Mad About You, I think. | ||
| You make $50 million. | ||
| We had some cameramen that said that Helen Hunt was mean. | ||
| I've heard that. | ||
| People get sick. | ||
| She probably wanted to be in theater or perhaps film. | ||
| She won an Oscar. | ||
| I've actually had a couple conversations with her. | ||
| She's very cool. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| She didn't want to be on that shitty sitcom. | ||
| Yeah, that I understand. | ||
| After a while. | ||
| That shit is torture. | ||
| For the sixth year, you're like, oh fuck. | ||
| And I do not, I mean, I am absolutely not saying, oh poor them. | ||
| To you folks out there that go, hey, I'll take that fucking job in a heartbeat. | ||
| And I know you would, and you're right in saying that, and yes, it is a good job. | ||
| But there's something about doing a really bad show that is soul-stealing. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I've only been involved in one bad sitcom ever. | ||
| I've done some pilots that were so bad that I was hiding in my dressing room. | ||
| See, I need good, funny people around me. | ||
| If I'm doing a TV show, I can be shitty. | ||
| If I like the people around me, I'll bear with it for a long time because the acting gets in the way and I'm just fucking around all day. | ||
| I didn't do many pilots. | ||
| I did like one... | ||
| One big pilot. | ||
| It was an interesting one for this thing called Overseas. | ||
| Oh yeah, I remember. | ||
| I tested for that. | ||
| I remember you got that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I was on news radio and he was trying to find one guy to play this one new... | ||
| It's like a group of Peace Corps guys? | ||
| Yeah, it was like something along those lines. | ||
| It was funny actually. | ||
| I thought it was really funny. | ||
| You know, who knows why people do and don't do certain projects or some pilots go and other shows that are just terrible just stay on the air for a long period of time. | ||
| It doesn't make any sense, but the process is fucking hard. | ||
| It's not easy to do. | ||
| It's like creating a new show and figuring out the right way to do it and the right character and how much wacky neighbor do we need. | ||
| That's like a super complicated thing to do. | ||
| It's chemistry, right? | ||
| It's like all these moving parts have to work. | ||
| Alec Baldwin said one time, when a movie is successful, it's a fucking accident. | ||
| And the reason it's an accident is there are so many moving parts that any little thing can go wrong, including the weather, including some crazy who shoots up a movie theater, including whatever it might be. | ||
| And if everything isn't working perfectly, and he uses the Jim Carrey, the Ace Ventura thing. | ||
| He was doing The Getaway. | ||
| It was this huge movie. | ||
| Kim Basinger, him, the remake of the Steve McQueen thing is huge. | ||
| Biggest movie. | ||
| And along comes... | ||
| And they were going to be number one. | ||
| Always tracking that way. | ||
| And along comes this little movie called Ace Ventura Pet Detective. | ||
| And fucking just steals the whole show. | ||
| And he was saying, if a movie does really well, it's a fucking accident, man. | ||
| Everything's got to be... | ||
| It's a happy accident. | ||
| Well, Ace Ventura Pet Detective probably did great because they let Jim Carrey do whatever the fuck he wanted to do. | ||
| Because nobody saw that coming. | ||
| Nobody. | ||
| Nobody saw that coming. | ||
| They're like, look, we got Jim Carrey. | ||
| What are you going to do, Jim? | ||
| Good. | ||
| I got this character. | ||
| He does this fucking wacky, over-the-top shit, and everybody loves it. | ||
| I died. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So many people I saw critically at the time, they were just destroying that movie and talking about what a piece of shit it is. | ||
| I was dying. | ||
| I was howling. | ||
| But that idea that everybody needs to do the same kind of comedy is so stupid. | ||
| You can't appreciate a wacky... | ||
| I know that you like Louis Black, but can't you like a wacky guy too? | ||
| Why are you holding back? | ||
| Don't be a comedy snob, man. | ||
| Did you see Burt Wonderstone? | ||
| How did that movie do? | ||
| I don't know what that is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I heard it was awful. | |
| What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a magic movie. | |
| Jim Carrey and Steve Carell. | ||
| It's a new movie? | ||
| Didn't he get in trouble because he was making fun of Charlton Heston? | ||
| Yeah, I didn't see the video. | ||
| Do you want to watch it? | ||
| Let's pull it up. | ||
| Apparently he did some controversial video where he was mocking Charlton Heston, who was dead, and one of his famous expressions... | ||
| Keep your dirty hands off me! | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| You're taking my rifle when you pry my cold, dead hands. | ||
| Yeah, well, apparently Jim Carrey... | ||
| Michael Moore took that out of context, too, apparently. | ||
| There's no out of context. | ||
| There's no out of context when you say, you'll take my rifle out of my cold dead hands. | ||
| It's impossible to take that out of context. | ||
| You only say that when either A, you're joking around, or B, you're fucking psycho. | ||
| There's one or two things, and I think that Charlton Heston was a fucking psycho. | ||
| There's a third thing. | ||
| He was just being dramatic. | ||
| Yeah, he's a psycho. | ||
| That guy liked guns, and yeah, you were going to have to kill him for it. | ||
| Do we have that video? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it the Funny or Die video? | |
| I think it is, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Let's see this, because this is the first time seeing it. | ||
| It's Hee Haw. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why did the ventriloquists quit drinking? | |
| Because he was like a real dumb... | ||
| Don't worry, it is. | ||
| Well, hi-o and howdy fine folks, and welcome back to Hee Haw. | ||
| This is a really long video, so... | ||
| Hold on, hold on. | ||
| Walter, it's an absolute pleasure to be here in the sight of Gad Unhee Haw. | ||
| But who would be laughing if it weren't for the Patriots who answer the call of freedom? | ||
| Well, I'm... | ||
| The aliens. | ||
| They would exploit our every weakness and suck the brains out of every living soul. | ||
| They'd be laughing, but not like you and me. | ||
| They'd go... | ||
| Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. | ||
| Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. | ||
| This is making me dumber just watching it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| We want to leave you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's on Funny or Die. | |
| It's a five minute video, though. | ||
| Six minute video. | ||
| Are people really upset about this? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's not that good. | ||
| It was on CNN. | ||
| Pain and fear. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Charlton Heston movies are no longer in demand. | |
| And his immortal soul may lay forever in the sand. | ||
| The angels wouldn't take him up to heaven right now. | ||
| He's fake masturbating with a gun in his hand. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gun from his cold dead hand. | |
| It takes a cold dead hand to decide to pull the trigger. | ||
| It takes a cold dead hand to decide to take him up to death. | ||
| This is, we're watching mental illness. | ||
| This is madness. | ||
| Did anybody put that together, watched it and went, I think it's good. | ||
| Let's let this out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Man, is your allergies really fucking you up right now? | |
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No? | |
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because it's like super extreme outside right now, like for indoor. | ||
| Allergy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
For dust and dander. | |
| I don't have allergies. | ||
| Me neither. | ||
| I'm lucky. | ||
| Yeah, I'm lucky. | ||
| Yeah, except a gluten intolerance. | ||
| People get so stupid about it. | ||
| I don't think I've ever seen a thing, like watched a cartoon or something like that and been offended. | ||
| Like, what are you talking about? | ||
| Well, how can anybody be offended? | ||
| I'm offended that they stole three minutes of my time watching Jim Carrey do a guy that died 80 years ago. | ||
| My belief system isn't that shoddy that you're going to say something that's going to throw me into a loop, a tizzy! | ||
| Well, not only that, but because there's a reaction to that where you... | ||
| You – I mean he's obviously knowing that what he's doing is sort of controversial. | ||
| So in that – in like sort of accepting that, what he's doing and what he's making fun of is like so mild because it's like the fact that he's doing it at all is what's supposed to be controversial about it. | ||
| He's going to mock Charlton Heston. | ||
| So you've got like this artificial like energy that you think is attached to a bit. | ||
| But that's not attached to a bit for me. | ||
| Because it's not controversial to me. | ||
| It's not at all. | ||
| It's just kind of dumb. | ||
| Why are you even thinking about Charlton Heston? | ||
| You're talking about a dead guy who said something weird a long time ago. | ||
| If you really had something to say, it should be a lot funnier than that. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| That's silly. | ||
| Yeah, it's silly. | ||
| It's folly. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you always wonder, like a guy like Jim Carrey, who starts off his career with that sort of Ace Ventura thing, or File Marshal Bill, remember that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Completely over the top. | ||
| Hilarious shit. | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| You can't do that when you're 60. No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay? | |
| Nobody wants to see Jerry Lewis with his fucking fake Japanese teeth when he's 60. No. | ||
| You didn't want to see that. | ||
| You don't mind it when he's 25 or 30. It's kind of silly and wacky. | ||
| But there's a transitionary period for those types of comedians where it gets weird. | ||
| Shit gets weird when they're hitting 40. Like Emo Phillips sort of dropped that thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He would do a thing like this where he would move all around the stage and talk kind of crazy. | |
| I can't even. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| I've never got that. | ||
| It hurts my brain. | ||
| But he doesn't do it anymore. | ||
| He can't do it anymore. | ||
| Now he does stand-up. | ||
| So it's like you're in a trap. | ||
| You're looking at a beautiful flower and it ain't going to last. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| You better learn how to reinvent yourself right quick. | ||
| It's fucking hard. | ||
| Well, Bobcat Goldthwait eventually sort of reinvented himself. | ||
| I think he was held by that sort of screaming. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, he was. | |
| Which is hilarious. | ||
| I mean, when you nail something as good as his character, it must be so hard to let go. | ||
| I mean, that character, that Bobcat Goldthwait character, I mean, he did so many of those fucking Police Academy movies. | ||
| He did comedy specials. | ||
| You ever listen to Meet Bob, his CD? He's fucking great. | ||
| He's really funny. | ||
| I know him. | ||
| I've worked with him twice. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| He's a really smart dude who's really kind of understated and quiet, actually. | ||
| He's the exact opposite of that. | ||
| He had to abandon the Bobcat character. | ||
| Do you know who fucking makes me laugh? | ||
| Do you know who one of the funniest human beings on the fucking planet is? | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Who talks that? | ||
| Gilbert Gottfried. | ||
| Oh, he's very funny. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Just hanging out with that guy? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Well, he's a real, old-school, legit comic. | ||
| He's been around forever. | ||
| Gilbert's been legit forever. | ||
| And he'll still tweet ridiculous shit and get fired from campaigns and shit. | ||
| And it's just because that's who he is. | ||
| And he's awesome. | ||
| I celebrate that shit. | ||
| I think that the kind of guys who say really ridiculous, preposterous shit and offensive shit like a Gilbert Gottfried and do it on a regular basis, that's... | ||
| Why is it okay for you to have a movie where you're pretending that you're a bad guy shooting cops? | ||
| Why is that okay? | ||
| And it's not okay for Gilbert Gottfried to pretend to be some calloused crazy man who's making fun of AIDS? I called him up. | ||
| I called him up to do an AIDS for children with AIDS benefit that I do every year. | ||
| And I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't even send that to him. | ||
| The minute he heard it, he goes, fuck the kids with AIDS! Stop using drugs! | ||
| Fuck him! | ||
| And he just kept saying over and over again, I was fucking dying. | ||
| I'm telling you, he was a condom! | ||
| I'm not doing that! | ||
| He just wouldn't let me get a point. | ||
| Then he hung up on me. | ||
| I was like, all right, well. | ||
| He's legit. | ||
| He's the real deal, you know? | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| He's a real comic. | ||
| He's so funny. | ||
| Do you know that feeling like, yeah, it's a real comic. | ||
| You know, we all have that thing, you know, where there's... | ||
| Yeah, but what is it? | ||
| It's being... | ||
| When you say that, and you go, he's a real comic, and I know exactly what you mean... | ||
| Not being some phony fucking weirdo. | ||
| You believe the person. | ||
| That's who that guy is, man. | ||
| For better or for worse, that's who he is on stage. | ||
| If you run into a comic at the airport and it's like Chucky McFucklesticks and some dude that's hacking it up all over the country and one of those guys, he's just like, "Oh, Jesus." You'll hide your head and look down. | ||
| But if you see Bill Burr, you're going to go like, "Bill, what's up?" You feel good about the world. | ||
| You see Bill Burr, you go, oh, that guy's legit. | ||
| That's a real guy, a real human being I can actually have a conversation with. | ||
| Well, not only that. | ||
| It's like when you run into them, if you run into a fellow comedian, it's sort of a rare fraternity. | ||
| There's not a lot of us out there. | ||
| You get lucky and run into one when you're on the road. | ||
| You speak a language. | ||
| There's an intimacy there that they have an experience that most people haven't had. | ||
| That you have and you can't really share with other people as much. | ||
| It must be like that with everything. | ||
| I mean, it must be like that for brain surgeons. | ||
| Imagine if you're like some famous neurosurgeon and all of a sudden you're on a flight with another famous neurosurgeon and you're like, oh, what have you been using for techniques? | ||
| And finally that stops blood clots. | ||
| It seems like that would be the case with everything. | ||
| Just like sort of Musashi was talking about. | ||
| You find whatever it is. | ||
| You find what it is. | ||
| Well, because it's a language. | ||
| It's a language. | ||
| Everything is a language. | ||
| You get more and more fluent with things. | ||
| Think about what Jiu Jitsu is. | ||
| Jiu Jitsu is a language, man. | ||
| It's a physical language. | ||
| And there are answers to what somebody gives to you and And somebody who doesn't speak that language is fucked. | ||
| Everything is that way. | ||
| And by the way, part of that language is rhythm. | ||
| There's a rhythm, there's a speed, there's a tempo to everything that you do. | ||
| And it varies on what you're doing. | ||
| And your personality informs what that rhythm is. | ||
| Some guys when they do jujitsu are fucking explosive and crazy and then other guys are really passive and they lock you up when they need to. | ||
| It just all depends on what your expression of the thing it is you're doing. | ||
| And you can always feel and you can always tell when someone is authentic, not only because they last for a long time, but I really think human beings, if you're keyed in, we all have antenna for what's legit. | ||
| We all have, like, sensitive antenna for what's... | ||
| You can get fooled for a little while when you're young, but at the end of the day, you know, I think we all have a sort of a... | ||
| I think if you're lying to yourself, you can get fooled fairly easily. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And I think that's the thing with these scams. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's interesting, yeah. | |
| Most people are lying to themselves. | ||
| Most people have to lie to themselves in order to keep a job or a wife or a husband or, you know... | ||
| There's a lot of people that have to kind of bullshit themselves, you know? | ||
| And it's not even that they have to bullshit themselves. | ||
| It also could be that they got on a path of bullshitting themselves at one point in time to sort of accept. | ||
| Now it's too thick and too many responsibilities to get out. | ||
| Yeah, and even though they've moved on in their career, they're moving forward in life. | ||
| Like, I knew a dude who was, he had done movies, okay? | ||
| But he was still full of shit. | ||
| He was like a movie star, but he would lie to you. | ||
| He would lie to you about, like... | ||
| Fake kickboxing matches that he had. | ||
| Talked about all these different things that he was doing that he definitely wasn't doing. | ||
| He would just make shit up. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So he had still been connected to all this, whatever negative thing that he had held onto. | ||
| He still never realized how to let it go while he was advancing in all these other areas in his life. | ||
| So while he was becoming a successful millionaire movie star, he was also still a liar. | ||
| You see that a lot, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Strange. | |
| I know somebody who's got just this, like on paper, their life is so... | ||
| Fucking amazing. | ||
| They're really good looking, lots of money, crazy nice house, healthy, great kids, successful, and they are taking lots of antidepressants just to get out of bed because there's something fucking... | ||
| And it's not a chemical thing so much for them. | ||
| It's just this malaise, dissatisfaction, anxiety they're always suffering from. | ||
| Well, I think it's also an example, an excellent example, of that super complicated machine being run by an incompetent driver. | ||
| If it's not an emotion or it's not a chemical problem in your brain, if it's not a disease or a disorder that's giving you the wrong amount of hormones and it's some sort of a behavioral issue that you've picked up over the years and a pattern that you keep repeating over and over again, that's a sign if it's not a disease or a disorder that's giving you the wrong amount of hormones and it's some sort of a behavioral issue that you've picked up over the Just slammed it into trees and fucked it up and got it hooked on meth and just went crazy with it. | ||
| Didn't know what it was doing. | ||
| Instead of someone who had never lived in a physical form, ethereal in nature, and the universe gives you an opportunity. | ||
| Hey, listen, we've got an opening down on Earth. | ||
| If you want, we have a baby human available, loving household. | ||
| Everyone is dedicated to the idea of taking this baby human and developing it into a full-form, functional human being, so you've got an excellent support system behind you. | ||
| But you're going to have to start from scratch, okay? | ||
| You're going to have no knowledge whatsoever right out of the gate. | ||
| People will teach you at first, and then you're going to have to develop a voracious appetite for knowledge. | ||
| All in all, it's going to take about, shit, 30 years before you even know how to fucking do anything correctly or fit in with the other people in your realm. | ||
| But, hey, it's better than being gas. | ||
| So what do you want to do? | ||
| Do you want to be a spirit in the next stage of afterlife? | ||
| Or do you want to take a fucking chance and ride a human flesh machine to the brink of the end of civilization? | ||
| Come on, bitch. | ||
| What are you going to live forever? | ||
| I like that. | ||
| That's a really cool theme to write a story about. | ||
| You want to be gas or you want to ride this human flesh machine? | ||
| It's very possible that that's what happened. | ||
| This idea of the world being a simulation. | ||
| Maybe it's not a simulation in a sense. | ||
| Maybe the whole thing's fucking crazy and blips in and out of realities. | ||
| And maybe you are some sort of gaseous soul form. | ||
| In another dimension and then you live this life as a person and then you pop out on the other side and you're some other thing that's so crazy you can't even imagine it right now. | ||
| Because it's not in the realm of experiences that a human can possibly experience on this earth. | ||
| So much like having a crazy six gram mushroom trip, until you've done it, you can't even imagine what you're talking about here. | ||
| You can't imagine it. | ||
| And so when you're talking about it, you're just talking nonsense. | ||
| You're just making noises with your mouth. | ||
| So when we leave this and move to the next thing, if there is such a reality, it's possible that the next thing will be so fucking strange you can't even imagine. | ||
| Like, instead of thinking about ourselves as this disconnected human being driving around in cars and using the internet, the next thing could be no physical body at all, but just... | ||
| We're constantly connected with a tangible feeling of contact of other entities and life forms and souls and patterns. | ||
| Well, that's almost like being part of the matrix, part of the internet, right? | ||
| I mean if you think about – that's certainly what – I'm just listening. | ||
| I'm re-listening to fucking all the Socrates and he says you're kind of imprisoned by this body, this body that kind of breaks down, this body that distracts you constantly with your appetites. | ||
| With food, sex, and just pain, sleep, and all the things. | ||
| And it distracts you from the work at hand, the real work, this contemplation on the truth, getting to the truth of the essence of things. | ||
| And it's true. | ||
| It's like, if you think about it, the idea is, he says, as he was dying, he goes, look, man, I spent my whole life trying to separate myself from this physical body. | ||
| Like, I treat all my appetites with quiet contempt. | ||
| And he says, finally I get to be rid of this shit and just be a mind. | ||
| And he was like really looking forward to it. | ||
| It's kind of profound. | ||
| That's a great statement that he treats all of his appetites with quiet contempt. | ||
| That's a great statement. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And so many intellectuals sort of share that feeling. | ||
| Yes, they call it the philosopher's journey. | ||
| Your hunger or your sexuality or any of that. | ||
| Yes, it is a distraction. | ||
| It should be treated with quiet contempt as you get older. | ||
| No, it shouldn't. | ||
| It should be treated as the last fucking gasps of a fun life. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Would you want to just sit around with no boners on your couch reading a dumb book? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No! | |
| The idea is actually getting to the essence of the truth is more fun. | ||
| Getting to the essence of the truth is more fun, but ultimately, if you are to believe that this is a temporary existence, It's fruitless. | ||
| It doesn't matter. | ||
| You should be enjoying this ride. | ||
| That was Aristotle's rebuttal to Socrates. | ||
| Aristotle said, yes, yes, we should try to strive to be just a mind. | ||
| But by the way, watch a woman give childbirth and you tell me we're not physical fucking beings. | ||
| We're physical beings with appetites and you can get yourself to a point where you feel really good physically and mentally, so why not do that? | ||
| You know what I always say when it comes to Socrates? | ||
| This is an important one to repeat. | ||
| Whenever anybody says anything about Socrates, you should always include, yeah, and you know, he fucked a lot of dudes. | ||
| He actually didn't, but yes, all his friends did. | ||
| He fucked some boys. | ||
| Socrates fucked some boys. | ||
| Well, one of the things that Credo always complains about is he tried to seduce him and seduce him because he was married with two kids and he could never do it. | ||
| Did Socrates try to seduce him? | ||
| No, no, Credo tried to seduce him. | ||
| Tried to seduce Socrates. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They talk about that motherfucker standing there during the war and nobody, nobody they said could withstand lack of sleep, cold and lack of food better than Socrates. | ||
| Nobody can drink more wine and stay sober. | ||
| And one day he stopped and he started thinking and the soldiers go, oh shit, he's on a jag, he's thinking. | ||
| And they all sat there and watched him think and they took bets on how long he'd stand in one place. | ||
| And pretty soon the stuns started to come down and they pulled their fucking cots out to watch him sleep and he stood there all fucking night. | ||
| Figuring out this problem, the answer to an issue to a problem. | ||
| Meanwhile, I bet that's a lie. | ||
| I bet that never happened. | ||
| I bet people exaggerate the shit out of everything. | ||
| We're talking about a guy. | ||
| You did that about your Taekwondo teacher. | ||
| I bet that guy didn't even know them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| We did that about my Taekwondo teacher? | ||
| No, I'm saying we all do that about our teachers. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Your fight teacher. | ||
| You think he's the greatest ever. | ||
| You know he can jump over trains, right? | ||
| What? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he studies this kung fu that allows him to kill moose with his fucking bare hands. | ||
| Yeah, who knows, man. | ||
| When you get to those kind of stories, it's like, God, what really did happen? | ||
| Who was responsible for writing down the actual events of the time? | ||
| And it's funny because if you just go with human nature, we would always think, yeah, what's wrong with a little elaboration? | ||
| I'm going to spice it up. | ||
| Good for the Romans. | ||
| Look, we did a great job. | ||
| We brought them civilization. | ||
| We didn't kill that many babies. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They say we killed babies, like whatever, man. | ||
| There are people with insane powers of concentration that can sit and not move for 24 hours. | ||
| Yeah, they're autistic. | ||
| Yeah, well, no, there are people who, like, Somerset Maugham wrote a book called... | ||
| Listen, don't argue with me, bro. | ||
| I won't, bro. | ||
| I got this one. | ||
| You're actually, you're actually, you're actually, if you're intense, you'll play Quake for 15 fucking hours. | ||
| Well, that's why I won't play it. | ||
| That's why I'm not playing a match with Kevin Pereira. | ||
| That's pretty amazing. | ||
| You've always been insanely intense about shit. | ||
| I remember I said, hey, just try golf. | ||
| You go, I'm not fucking playing golf. | ||
| If you get into it, it'll be over. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Because you'll go crazy. | ||
| Yeah, if I got into golf and started taking golf lessons, I would play golf all day. | ||
| That shit takes a long time. | ||
| Like, if I could play pool, you know, you can play pool for a half hour. | ||
| You can go and you go, hey, I got a half hour, you want to hit some balls around? | ||
| And you can enjoy yourself for half an hour. | ||
| Golf is five hours. | ||
| Yeah, every time you do it, right? | ||
| You've got to walk. | ||
| You gotta follow that. | ||
| I take a cart. | ||
| Whatever you gotta do. | ||
| You gotta drive then. | ||
| You gotta follow. | ||
| You're hitting this thing and it's fucking... | ||
| Why do you take a cart? | ||
| It's kind of a bitch move. | ||
| Because I get exhausted playing golf. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| That's weak shit. | ||
| Some things make me feel like I have diabetes. | ||
| Tag with my five-year-old. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Diabetes. | |
| And fucking golf. | ||
| Some shit is just too... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I can't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's ridiculous. | |
| You're talking about jujitsu and kettlebells. | ||
| I want one of those chimp kettlebells. | ||
| I'll do that shit right now. | ||
| And you're like, I can't walk, though, and play golf. | ||
| It's too much. | ||
| It's exhausting. | ||
| I get exhausted today. | ||
| It's too much. | ||
| I walked a mile. | ||
| My legs died. | ||
| I walked a whole mile. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| I can't. | ||
| If I'm bored, I fall asleep. | ||
| Well, remember the Steve Rinella hunting thing, which comes out April 28th? | ||
| On Sportsman's Network, where Brian and I went out to... | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| The Sportsman's Network? | ||
| It's an outdoor channel, I think. | ||
| I loved watching it. | ||
| Joe and I just watched it. | ||
| All these great memories were brought back, but I was really impressed. | ||
| They did a really good job, man. | ||
| They shot it well. | ||
| They edited it well. | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| Great music, by the way. | ||
| This is bullshit, man. | ||
| Sportsman's Channel. | ||
| It has a 2.1 rating on IMDb. | ||
| What fucking silly liberals! | ||
| We're gonna be famous! | ||
| Here's the thing, first of all, that is so wrong, because it is a great show. | ||
| It is! | ||
| This is the only show, okay, if you are like me, and you have any, if you eat meat, okay, and you have any desire for some sort of intellectual connection to the animal that you eat, there's not a lot of people that represent you if you're like a thinking person. | ||
| There's not a lot of people that represent you In the sportsman's world, we have this idea that sportsmen and hunters are these idiots, these fucking numb-minded Republican robots, and they're out there just fucking shooting animals because they're evil. | ||
| Watch this show, because this is not that at all. | ||
| This is Steve Rinella, who's a good friend now to Brian and myself. | ||
| He's an awesome guy and a really well-read individual with a deep knowledge of especially the history of the colonization of the West. | ||
| And a deep love for animals, by the way. | ||
| A deep love for animals and an understanding of the whole process of acquiring your own meat. | ||
| And the way he does it is he does it through this idea. | ||
| It's called fair chase hunting where he's not – like sometimes they'll set out – and I don't have a problem with this. | ||
| I'm just saying this is one of the ways that people go hunting. | ||
| It makes it more effective. | ||
| Like you'll set out bait and the animal will come to the food. | ||
| And then when it's at the food, you're hiding in a blind and you shoot it. | ||
| That's like super common. | ||
| Half drunk. | ||
| That's Ted Nugent's entire show. | ||
| And by the way, I like Ted Nugent and I like Ted Nugent's show. | ||
| I don't agree with him on a lot of his things that he says, especially when it comes to politics. | ||
| And there's a lot of nonsense in a lot of his words. | ||
| But I think he's a fascinating character and he's out there shooting animals and telling everybody to go fuck themselves. | ||
| He shot a coyote in the head. | ||
| With an air rifle on the show and then was like, oh, look, a great coyote threw it in the back. | ||
| This is Ted fucking Nugent. | ||
| You killed a coyote with an air rifle? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Think about this. | ||
| This is not, I mean, this is like, he's a big rock star. | ||
| And at one point in time, when I was a kid, Ted Nugent was fucking huge. | ||
| Double live gonzo? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dude, to this day, Stranglehold is one of my all-time favorite classic rock hits. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| The live version? | ||
| You got me in that goddamn strangle. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| He's crazy, though. | ||
| But I like him. | ||
| I don't like everything about him. | ||
| I don't like him all across the board. | ||
| But Steve Rinella represents a completely different take. | ||
| Ted Nugent's leaving Bait Out. | ||
| He shot three deer with a bow and arrow in the first 15 minutes of the show the other day. | ||
| I mean, I don't even know. | ||
| I mean, how many they let you shoot? | ||
| How do you eat that much? | ||
| He's got land. | ||
| He gives away a lot. | ||
| He gives away, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Hunters for the homeless. | ||
| Or Hunters for the Hungry, rather. | ||
| Oh, that's cool. | ||
| Yeah, no animal goes to waste. | ||
| I mean, he has a guy that butchers his shit. | ||
| He's shown it on the show before. | ||
| I mean, Ted Nugent's not doing that. | ||
| He's definitely giving a lot of food away. | ||
| He just likes doing it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| And whatever, man. | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| I mean, why is that bad? | ||
| But the guy who runs this dairy farm or, you know, is slaughtering steers to make your cheeseburger, That guy's acceptable. | ||
| Like, it doesn't make any sense. | ||
| The way he's doing it, even the way Ted Nugent's doing it by leaving out bait and shooting it with an arrow when it comes to eat, so fucking what? | ||
| That's still way more ethical, way smarter. | ||
| Like, why wouldn't you do that? | ||
| Don't you have some extra corn? | ||
| What do you want, it traipse around the fucking forest looking for some animal? | ||
| Just leave the corn out, shoot it! | ||
| Well, what's the goal? | ||
| The goal's here to shoot it. | ||
| Until you've been out there at five in the morning freezing your dick off after sleeping in a tent. | ||
| You'd use bait right quick, especially if you were hungry. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This guy, Steve Rinella, though, he doesn't do any of that. | ||
| His is all fair chase hunting, and he's a really bright guy. | ||
| And we have this really ignorant stereotype that people that grew up in sort of hunting-fishing backgrounds are dummies. | ||
| You know, a lot of people do. | ||
| A lot of people who don't have any experience in hunting. | ||
| And I think the beautiful thing about this show is, the guy's a fucking great writer. | ||
| I mean, he's a great writer. | ||
| His book, Meat Eater, is a very good book. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| His descriptions, they captivate you. | ||
| Like, he's got a really intelligent way... | ||
| I learned a lot from him. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| So, well, I don't even know what the point was. | ||
| No, you're talking about the difference between hunting and a blind or fair chase hunting. | ||
| Yeah, but I was talking about something before that. | ||
| I don't remember what the hell it was. | ||
| That's called going on a tangent, son. | ||
| But there's people that have a problem with basically anything that people do. | ||
| What about all the restaurants everywhere you go that are serving meat? | ||
| Like, why are you freaking out? | ||
| About certain specific situations where you find meat. | ||
| Is it really meat? | ||
| What are these animals going to do if you don't eat them? | ||
| Are they just going to live forever? | ||
| Or if they're not going to live forever, they're going to live a certain amount of time. | ||
| And then what happens to the meat? | ||
| Is it okay to feed it to dogs once they die of old age? | ||
| Is that allowed? | ||
| What do we do as humans to control the population? | ||
| Do we have to spend a lot of money on sterilization programs? | ||
| What if our health deteriorates because we're not eating as much animal protein and other countries take over? | ||
| Let's start dominating us. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| What if Morrissey ran the army? | ||
| Do you know how quickly we'd be overrun with the Soviets? | ||
| What if Morrissey ran the army? | ||
| Do you know how quickly the Soviets would fucking take over? | ||
| Do you think Putin would stand it if Morrissey won? | ||
| If Morrissey became the president of the United States, these fucking meat-headed, thick, tree-trunk-necked Russian cosmonauts would come running over and just dominate this country. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| If we all turned into a bunch of vegetarians. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the truth. | |
| We live in a hard world, ladies and gentlemen, okay? | ||
| You can't run it on lentils. | ||
| You just can't. | ||
| Oh, Politics by Joe Rogan. | ||
| You can't run it on lentils, you fucks. | ||
| Silly fucks. | ||
| That's why India hasn't won... | ||
| I don't think they won a medal last Olympics. | ||
| I'm like, come on guys, you've got a billion people. | ||
| I love Indians. | ||
| I'm not making fun of anybody from India. | ||
| I love India. | ||
| But you're not athletic. | ||
| They're not as athletic as some countries. | ||
| Sweden has got 7 million people. | ||
| They win like 50 medals in the Olympics. | ||
| It's because all the girls are hot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| India, not one. | ||
| You're just trying really hard to get laid. | ||
| And the only way to do that is be awesome at a sport. | ||
| Fuck yeah. | ||
| That's the quickest way. | ||
| Or be funny. | ||
| That's not provable enough. | ||
| As a young man, you can't fuck with the quarterback. | ||
| A guy who's a basketball star, the guy who hits the home runs, that guy wins. | ||
| That guy wins. | ||
| Yeah, I was a wrestler. | ||
| They didn't come out to see me in my fucking single ad at 125 pounds. | ||
| They did not give a fuck about us. | ||
| They didn't give a fuck about wrestlers, and they certainly weren't into fucking karate guys. | ||
| No, you're a karate guy. | ||
| Great. | ||
| What do you wear, pajamas and fucking stick your feet in people's face? | ||
| You know how stupid that is? | ||
| No, we can't have sex. | ||
| Get out of here. | ||
| But the fucking quarterbacks, they just have to beat them off with sticks. | ||
| Get out of here, you fucking opportunistic hooker. | ||
| I'm going to go practice my sidekick. | ||
| I'll be right back. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're like, what are you doing? | ||
| Why do you do that? | ||
| Where do you do it? | ||
| Where do you do that? | ||
| That's all you do? | ||
| It's not very flashy. | ||
| It's not very flashy. | ||
| Don't you play another sport? | ||
| Even the UFC now, you see these guys who are like badasses and a lot of girls are like, no, no, no. | ||
| Those guys hit each other and their ears are all weird. | ||
| What? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Those guys have to beat it off with sticks. | ||
| In their circle, they sure as fuck do it. | ||
| Are you crazy? | ||
| What girls? | ||
| Any girl that's like, ew, they hit each other. | ||
| That is a broken bitch that doesn't want to go on a wild ride. | ||
| But UFC guys don't get the same kind of attention that basketball or football players do, man. | ||
| What? | ||
| Are you crazy? | ||
| A guy like Chuck Liddell in his prime? | ||
| You've never seen anything like that in the face of the earth. | ||
| You've never seen fuck Genghis Khan. | ||
| That guy would show up when Chuck Liddell was the fucking champion in the UFC, when he was a UFC light heavyweight champion. | ||
| He would walk into a club. | ||
| You've never seen gravity like this. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He would suck in hot-titted asteroids. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus! | |
| Boom! | ||
| Boom! | ||
| He was like Jupiter absorbing gravity. | ||
| They were just hugging him, wanting to take pictures with him, and hugging him, wanting to take pictures with him. | ||
| Dude, it was a swarm. | ||
| It was like, have you seen that commercial for World War Z, where all the zombies swarm? | ||
| That's what it was when Chuck Liddell would show up. | ||
| Girls would just flock to him. | ||
| He's the gladiator. | ||
| He's the alpha male. | ||
| They wanted to meet him. | ||
| They wanted to talk to him. | ||
| And the guy, like, literally couldn't move through the room. | ||
| You've never seen anything like it. | ||
| My buddy hung with Mike Tyson in Vegas. | ||
| He did the same thing. | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| He had no idea. | ||
| Especially because in Vegas, a lot of those girls are drunk. | ||
| And when you're drunk, that's when the real thoughts come out and you're like, I'm going to go take a picture with Mike. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to tell him right now. | |
| He'll suck his cock. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| That's Mike Tyson. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to do it. | |
| Bitch, you go! | ||
| Meanwhile, no girl would support that. | ||
| She'd be like, you fucking whore. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I want to meet him too, but I want you to suck his dick first. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| Oh my god. | ||
| I guess in his one-man show, he starts by saying... | ||
| Let me get one of those too, buddy. | ||
| In his one-man show, he basically says he puts up the number... | ||
| I didn't see it, but he said he puts up the number $400 million and he goes, I lost all that money. | ||
| I lost $400 million. | ||
| I made $400 million and I lost $400 million. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| But that's what happens when you just buy a bunch of tigers and just like fucking everything. | ||
| Well, it's also the kind of mentality that allows you to become a prize fighter. | ||
| The kind of mentality that allows you to Be a person who risks his health and runs at men in a boxing ring and smashes their brains. | ||
| You're thinking about the moment, man. | ||
| You're thinking about training for your next fight. | ||
| You're thinking about months of preparation. | ||
| You're thinking about the fight itself. | ||
| You probably also have to be a little, like, you have to be pretty aggro, right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. | |
| But it's also like someone telling you what you can and can't do with your money. | ||
| Be like, bitch, I'm Hector Camacho. | ||
| I'll do whatever the fuck I want. | ||
| I'm going to get Macho Man in diamonds. | ||
| Suck my dick, okay? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| That's what I was going to say. | ||
| Macho man suck my dick. | ||
| You can do whatever you want. | ||
| I mean, if you're a champion, it's almost like you have to have that mentality to be that Mike Tyson type of a character. | ||
| You know, Bernard Hopkins is famously frugal. | ||
| He's just a smart, disciplined guy that's still, at 48 years old, is a world boxing champion. | ||
| It's the craziest thing I've ever heard of. | ||
| No one's ever done that before. | ||
| No one's ever done that at 48 years old and looked fucking good. | ||
| He looked great. | ||
| He boxed the shit out of that dude. | ||
| It wasn't a close loss. | ||
| It's a crazy thing. | ||
| He's a master. | ||
| He's a master. | ||
| He's a fucking master. | ||
| He's a master boxer. | ||
| But he's like super frugal. | ||
| You know, but his style is like super frugal. | ||
| That's why at 48 years old, he's still in the mix. | ||
| Whereas a guy like Mike Tyson, which just says... | ||
| He raged for a few years and then done. | ||
| Mike Tyson and Bernard Hopkins, they were boxing at the same time. | ||
| Bernard Hopkins is older. | ||
| Bernard Hopkins is the older man. | ||
| Bernard Hopkins is still a world champion. | ||
| Still speaks fluent. | ||
| He has no voice problems. | ||
| He's so articulate. | ||
| He does not get hit very often. | ||
| He knows how to roll with things. | ||
| He's never been hurt. | ||
| Even when he's been tagged. | ||
| He's been tagged by guys and dropped by them. | ||
| You know, he just starts boxing and he's disciplined as fuck and he sticks that fucking boxing game in your face and slowly but surely he starts to overwhelm you. | ||
| When he beat Kelly Pavlik and he goes, he grabbed him apparently and he said, don't let this ruin you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, he knew he was going to beat him when he walked in the ring. | ||
| Like, to be that good, Kelly Pavlik was a fucking killer. | ||
| That's an exceptional fight, but the defining fight was Felix Trinidad because Felix Trinidad was thought to be a destroyer. | ||
| People were setting up Felix Trinidad to fight all these super fights. | ||
| He wasn't going to fight Oscar de la Hoya. | ||
| He was going to fight a lot of different people. | ||
| Felix Trinidad was a killer. | ||
| He's a serious, high-level, dangerous threat. | ||
| And Bernard Hopkins boxed his fucking face off. | ||
| He just boxed his fucking ears off. | ||
| Incredible. | ||
| And just shut him down. | ||
| And it was amazing that people thought that Trinidad was the favorite going into that fight because Bernard Hopkins fucking dominated him. | ||
| I mean, he dominated him. | ||
| And he stopped him. | ||
| And it ended Felix Trinidad. | ||
| Felix Trinidad was never the same after that fight. | ||
| That was the fight where he just, like, hit the wall. | ||
| They say fighters always have one fight that, like, even get hit one time by one, it's one punch usually that kind of changes their whole mix. | ||
| Well, he can. | ||
| A lot of people say GSP was not the same fighter. | ||
| He became very conservative and careful after he got knocked out by Matt Serra. | ||
| Well, he definitely became more conservative. | ||
| Where he controls you rather than... | ||
| GSP, which you've got to look at when people say, Oh, you know, is GSP slowing down? | ||
| Or is GSP this? | ||
| Or is GSP that? | ||
| Is his time over? | ||
| Are these new guys going to beat him? | ||
| There's always going to be a bunch of fucking killers out there. | ||
| There's always going to be a bunch of scary... | ||
| Johnny Hendrix, Jake Ellenberger type dudes looking to smash your fucking face in when you're the champ. | ||
| There's no getting around that. | ||
| What's most impressive is that the guy has been doing this for so fucking long. | ||
| And when shit starts happening, like he blew out his ACL. Look, getting injured, that is a normal part of being an athlete. | ||
| It happens. | ||
| There's no getting around it. | ||
| You're putting your body through incredible strains and you're especially doing an improvisational sort of a thing like wrestling or jujitsu or kickboxing where you don't know How he's gonna move or you're sparring and shit goes wrong and you can get hurt. | ||
| There's no way of avoiding that. | ||
| But when shit starts breaking and you start getting injured and you start thinking about the amount of hours this guy's put in the gym, the amount of hours this guy's put in the cage, the amount of fights, the amount of wear and tear, it's just a matter of how long can you consistently keep up that sort of fighting style. | ||
| That intensity and all that. | ||
| Wrestling based fighting style too. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Which is very taxing on your spinal cord, very taxing on your knees. | ||
| There's a lot of power involved in a wrestling-based style. | ||
| Even if you're a technical guy like a Ben Askren, it becomes a difficult style to incorporate. | ||
| What's kind of remarkable about him, though, is GSP is his ability. | ||
| Also, there's a lot of tape on him. | ||
| You can watch a lot on him. | ||
| You can try to figure him out. | ||
| But he fights a different fight in some ways every time he fights as well. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| I think a wrestling-based style is definitely the best way to approach it as far as longevity. | ||
| But even that, it's like, how much longevity can you get? | ||
| MMA is a brutal goddamn game. | ||
| How much longevity can you get? | ||
| At a certain point in time, someone's going to come along, and if Anderson Silva keeps fighting, someone's probably going to beat him. | ||
| And it might be like sort of a Bernard Hopkins situation where no one ever gets to it. | ||
| I mean, he's so clever and so technical that no one ever gets to the point where they can really humiliate him. | ||
| But there'll be a guy like a Chad Dawson who'll come along and beat Bernard Hopkins just because he's younger and quicker. | ||
| There's going to be these Andre Ward-type guys. | ||
| There's going to be... | ||
| What was that dude that Jermaine... | ||
| The guy that Kelly Pavlik beat I want to see Jermaine Andre, but that's not his name. | ||
| Is that his name? | ||
| I saw a lot of his fights. | ||
| He was the champ, and he beat... | ||
| I don't know if that's the right boxer. | ||
| I forget his fucking name. | ||
| Shit. | ||
| I hate that. | ||
| I got too many fucking names in my brain. | ||
| But this dude... | ||
| Is that his name? | ||
| Jermaine Andre? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, he's an MMA fighter. | ||
| Oh, well. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| I remember that dude. | ||
| Yeah, sorry. | ||
| Sorry, Jermaine. | ||
| Yeah, he's actually a very talented kickboxing champion. | ||
| Jermaine Stewart? | ||
| Jermaine Taylor? | ||
| Jermaine Taylor. | ||
| Jermaine Taylor. | ||
| Yeah, Jermaine Andre is this badass-looking dude with this crazy ponytail. | ||
| He's got a shaved head with a crazy ponytail. | ||
| He fought in the UFC, I think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pretty sure. | |
| Kelly Pavlik knocked him out, but he beat Bernard Hopkins twice. | ||
| And he beat him with speed. | ||
| I believe he beat him twice. | ||
| He's also bigger too. | ||
| He's a bigger guy. | ||
| He's big, but meanwhile Pavlik beat him. | ||
| He was just able to out-athlete. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| You look at a guy like Pavlik. | ||
| If you saw him on the beach in shorts, he couldn't look more normal. | ||
| There's not a lot of muscle tone. | ||
| Well, he's covered with some crazy tattoos now. | ||
| Now he is, but he used to not be. | ||
| After he had his kind of... | ||
| I think he had a bit of a breakdown. | ||
| Then he went and got a bunch of tattoos. | ||
| A lot of alcohol. | ||
| Is that what it was? | ||
| Apparently. | ||
| Because before that, when he was younger, he had no tattoos. | ||
| You know, very few. | ||
| He was just such a normal... | ||
| Well, he just retired. | ||
| You know, I think... | ||
| Yeah, I think part of it... | ||
| I mean, the alcohol thing... | ||
| It's very possible that the depression, alcohol, all that stuff has to do with head trauma. | ||
| It's very, very possible. | ||
| There's a lot of evidence to that, right? | ||
| Yeah, and he thinks it might be as well, and so he's retiring. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| Even though he won recently. | ||
| He looked really good, too. | ||
| He was in the midst of a comeback. | ||
| He's a talented fucking boxer. | ||
| Yeah, he is. | ||
| But getting hit in the head, walking around with headaches all day, yeah. | ||
| I've done it, man. | ||
| I've done it. | ||
| Keep it. | ||
| It's not fun. | ||
| I mean, I never did it to the extent that he did it, though. | ||
| What he did was incredible. | ||
| He was a world champion. | ||
| Just the amount of punishment that you have to go through in the fucking ring. | ||
| Just in the ring, dude. | ||
| I mean, it's just, Jesus Christ. | ||
| Just, I mean, my being the training ring. | ||
| You know, just every day in the gym. | ||
| These guys, you know, they fucking go to war, man. | ||
| You get caught all the time. | ||
| The last time he fought was 2012. He won, and apparently they were setting up a new fight for him. | ||
| Let me see a picture of him. | ||
| You need to get your own fucking computer, bro. | ||
| No way. | ||
| You want to see a picture of him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you want to see? | ||
| The tattoos. | ||
| Oh, I'll find him for you. | ||
| Yeah, he had a bunch of crazy tattoos, man. | ||
| He went nutty and just fucking tattooed the shit out of his chest. | ||
| Just go off. | ||
| He put, like, haunted houses on him and shit. | ||
| Rory McDonald. | ||
| Yeah, pull that up. | ||
| Kelly Pavlik tattoos. | ||
| You can see the tattoos that he has on his chest. | ||
| I wouldn't mind seeing McDonald fight GSP, but I think they're training partners. | ||
| Apparently, they are preparing for that possibility. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They're not training together anymore. | ||
| Yeah, they prepare on the opposite sides of the gym. | ||
| Rory McDonald's no fucking joke. | ||
| Yeah, Kelly Pavlik has the Colosseum on his chest. | ||
| He has all this nutty shit. | ||
| If you go to the one, there's other ones where you get a good image of what it is. | ||
| There's another one down there, if you look at it, it's got a bit of a better image. | ||
| There's a couple of them. | ||
| Yeah, that one where his arms are flexed, you kind of get to see what it is. | ||
| Yeah, it's like a Roman Colosseum on the left. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And there's some other shit. | |
| Some dudes just get real random with their tattoos. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's got an angel with a bow and arrow. | |
| He's great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at him. | |
| He's awesome looking. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| Nothing more beautiful than a fighter. | ||
| A bridge. | ||
| He's a fucking animal, man. | ||
| When he was at his best, he was a really fun guy to watch. | ||
| I'm glad he's retiring before it gets ugly. | ||
| The guy did a lot. | ||
| He accomplished a lot. | ||
| And it gets ugly for everyone. | ||
| He looks haunted a little bit, doesn't he? | ||
| A lot of guys are, my brother. | ||
|
unidentified
|
A lot of guys are. | |
| Somebody called being an addict, like, you always feel like you're being chased by something, by a ghost, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's true. | |
| An addict described that. | ||
| He said, you know, I always feel like I'm being chased by a demon that's almost catching me every time. | ||
| I'm always running. | ||
| I'm always running. | ||
| Have you heard about these district attorneys that are getting shot in Texas? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Someone's assassinating district attorneys. | ||
| Well, they caught one guy who was a white supremacist. | ||
| He had a shootout. | ||
| They killed him. | ||
| That was the guy who killed the Colorado Prison Bureau. | ||
| Oh, they caught that guy. | ||
| Yeah, and they killed him. | ||
| And then the guy who shot the district attorney and his wife, they don't know. | ||
| I guess they still don't know who did it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They don't even know if it's connected, but I'm sure it is. | |
| Well, it might be just a cartel thing. | ||
| You don't know, man. | ||
| Fucking... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's like a... | ||
| But since 1964, I think... | ||
| How many? | ||
| 13 or 33 prosecutors have been shot. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| There was a story that came out about a cop that may or may not have planted drugs on a woman because she was claiming that a judge had moved in on her. | ||
| Let me pull that up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm surprised I don't read about this more. | |
| Cops allegedly plant meth on a woman who complained about a judge's sexual solicitation. | ||
| on. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm not shocked at that. | ||
| I mean, they found a judge who was profiting off of sending kids to juvenile homes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God. | |
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they found a judge that was profiting off of that. | ||
| He's in jail now. | ||
| He's in Pennsylvania. | ||
| Sociopath? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sick motherfucker. | ||
|
unidentified
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Sociopath. | |
| You know, he thought, because these kids had done things in the past, fuck it, I'll just send them down the river. | ||
| You know? | ||
| They need it. | ||
| And he was getting kickbacks. | ||
| He was getting kickbacks. | ||
| The more people he would convict, Yeah, this is Murray County. | ||
| I don't know where the fuck that is. | ||
| Where the hell's Mary? | ||
| You live in a serious hillbilly place if no one's ever heard of your dad. | ||
| Oh, you know what I was going to talk about? | ||
| My Vincent LaBarbera, the guy that I have on my podcast right now on the Brian Callen Show. | ||
| And who is this cat? | ||
| This guy is a... | ||
| First of all, he wears a patch over his eye because he went snow blind three times from climbing like fucking huge mountains like in Africa and stuff. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Yeah, and he would go and basically go to war zones, just see what it was like. | ||
| Murray County's in Minnesota, by the way. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| So this guy went snow blind? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, from climbing mountains and shit. | ||
| He's a real daredevil, did all kinds of shit. | ||
| But now he's always – he's been a high-profile trial lawyer for like big-time drug cartels. | ||
| He's a huge proponent on the podcast. | ||
| He talks about why drugs should be legal and stuff. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| So he's tried to get the cartels out of jail? | ||
| He just thinks all drugs should be legal, all of them, and he does everything he can to stick to the government whenever. | ||
| So he handles huge, big cases, like big, big-time cases. | ||
| The Marine in Fallujah, a lot of different people. | ||
| And he's got a really interesting take on justice. | ||
| I had this Delta Force guy who was talking about killing an American citizen, and he was kind of justifying it. | ||
| And Vincent LaBarbera got on and was like, let me tell you something. | ||
| That's the biggest bunch of, you know, he couldn't have been more on the other side of it. | ||
| The U.S. and the National Defense Act and stuff we talk a lot about. | ||
| He just goes to town on the fact that that is killing our country, our due process and everything. | ||
| He's very articulate about it. | ||
| I'm not. | ||
| It's going down the path of corruption and we all see it. | ||
| And because now we're all on the internet, we all get to talk about it. | ||
| We get to express our concerns and we get to… Well, when the government says trust me, no. | ||
| Well, it keeps happening. | ||
| That's like this new thing is this Monsanto. | ||
| Bill that just passed silently through Congress without any mainstream exposure where they're giving Monsanto all sorts of- Subsidies and things like that? | ||
| All sorts of abilities to hide the fact that genetically modified foods and things that you buy. | ||
| It's creepy. | ||
| It's creepy because it's one of those things where you would hope that there would one day be What was that? | ||
| What was the whistle? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think it was my team. | |
| Is that your phone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it was my team. | |
| Dude, that's the gayest shit ever. | ||
| I actually kind of like it. | ||
| I think I want to change my ringer. | ||
| What the hell? | ||
| What the fuck was I even talking about? | ||
| You were talking about... | ||
| Monsanto. | ||
| We'd hope that things would slowly start to move into a better direction. | ||
|
unidentified
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Right. | |
| You know, like, we're going to cut back on corruption. | ||
| We're going to attack it. | ||
| We're going to make for a more fair society. | ||
| We're going to only involve ourselves in military campaigns that are just and true. | ||
| And we're going to try to educate the rest of the world. | ||
| You've got to change the incentive structure if you want to do that. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's just weird, man. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| The biggest danger is that when you have good people behaving corruptly, when you have a system that allows for no other way to do business, so that your system becomes an economy of influence and not meritocracy. | ||
| So who you know is really how you get business, not what you can do. | ||
| And that's where we're headed in some aspects, and you have to be very careful of that. | ||
| At least Lawrence Lessig's book says that in A Republic Lost, which I've talked about many times on this podcast. | ||
| is that's a very important book to read. | ||
| And what he does, he says, look, let me show you how Washington is corrupt with a lot of good people trying to do the right thing, but they can't do business without being. | ||
| Let me let me explain to people who don't know what the fuck we're talking about what this is, because this is a pretty crazy shit. | ||
| It's a genetically modified food. | ||
| And the there's a thing they're calling the Monsanto Protection Act, which was signed by They're calling it the Monsanto Protection Act. | ||
| What it actually was, it was added to an essential spending bill without congressional hearings. | ||
| So they snuck this rider. | ||
| And the rider strips the power from the federal courts to halt the sales and planting of genetically modified foods even if health concerns arise. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| The provision was simply an industry ploy to continue to sell genetically engineered seeds even when a court of law has found that they were approved by the USDA illegally, the petition stated. | ||
| It's necessary to find an unprecedented act on U.S. judicial review. | ||
| Congress should not be meddling with the judicial review process based solely on the special interest of a handful of companies. | ||
| This is from someone's, I guess it was I don't know who wrote that. | ||
| Okay, so what essentially they're saying is they snuck this in and people are just finding out about it now and they're Happens all the time in Washington. | ||
| They're trying to protect the profits of this company. | ||
| The only reason why you would hide information is you're trying to protect the profits. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's right. | |
| Because if the genetically modified foods are safe and they're in there and we find out they're safe, then we don't have to worry. | ||
| But if they might not be safe and you want to sue, you're not going to know. | ||
| You're not going to be able to blame it on the genetically modified foods. | ||
| You're not even going to know if it's genetically modified. | ||
| If you have health issues that arise, Because of the genetically modified foods, you won't even know the correlation. | ||
| What if you have a known issue that's come up amongst a small percentage of people that do respond poorly to genetically modified foods? | ||
| Well, you won't even fucking know because it's not going to be in the label because some cunts got paid. | ||
| That's crazy because the people who are selling genetically modified foods should only want to be selling Healthy, genetically modified foods. | ||
| It is possible that science can figure out a way to produce more food that's more nutritious. | ||
| It is possible. | ||
| But it's also possible that they could fuck it up. | ||
| And when something like this comes along, and all this is, they should call this the Monsanto Information Act. | ||
| Because all it is, is keeping information secret. | ||
| Keeping it from people. | ||
| That's never good. | ||
| That's not only that. | ||
| It's also changing information and lying about what's good for you and what's not good for you. | ||
| They're setting up corruption. | ||
| They're setting up so corruption can take place. | ||
| I don't know enough about genetically modified foods, but I'll give you an example. | ||
| But you don't have to. | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| I'm saying that the Food and Nutrition Board, which sets the school standard for 30 million children on what they can eat, because they've been hijacked by companies like Nestle, etc., the big companies that have an interest in selling their products, Coca-Cola and stuff. | ||
| And they hire scientists. | ||
| Read the China study. | ||
| It talks about this. | ||
| I'm paraphrasing here, but they'll stack the deck with scientists that they basically hire to say that 25% of your diet can be simple sugars, which means I can have vending machines in there that sell soda and Twix bars and that's part of your lunch. | ||
| That's where when you're ignorant and you don't know how the system works, how the incentive structure works, you are going to pay a price for it with your health and so are your kids. | ||
| So that's why I always tell people you can't not be politically committed. | ||
| It's not a luxury you can afford, man, because what happens is it becomes a concentration of vested interests. | ||
| Look at Wall Street. | ||
| Yes, they compete with each other until someone comes in with legislation and they get very good at hiring lobbyists. | ||
| They get very good at their economy of influence and figuring out how to buy the right people to keep business as usual. | ||
|
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That's why you have banks that are too big to fail. | |
| They're entering the system now to stop that pattern. | ||
| They have to figure out a way to not emphasize profit overall. | ||
| I have no problem with profit as long as it's earned honestly and you're playing by the rules. | ||
| The problem is when you have companies that stack the deck, Of course. | ||
| And so how does that happen? | ||
| You've got to figure out how that happens and why it happened and then that's the way you change it. | ||
|
unidentified
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Absolutely. | |
| Figure out first how it happens. | ||
| It's just so transparent when something like this Monsanto thing comes up because all they're doing is keeping information. | ||
| That's all they're doing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Exactly. | |
| They should never be able to keep information because if you have a good product, like let's say you're selling oranges. | ||
| Well, you can prove, if you look at the data, that oranges are very rich in vitamin C. They have healthy fiber to them. | ||
| When you eat an orange with your lunch, it's probably a really healthy choice. | ||
| It's good for you. | ||
| And we have a lot of data to back that up. | ||
| So all the information on oranges is readily available. | ||
| You can go look it up. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because there's nothing bad there. | ||
| There's nothing bad. | ||
| It's a fucking orange, okay? | ||
| But when you start monkeying around with oranges, and, well, this is an orange that doesn't react badly to certain pesticides, and this is an orange that, you know, creates its own pesticide and kills off mosquitoes, or this is an orange that does... | ||
| And you don't tell me. | ||
| Okay, now we got a real problem, because that's not really an orange. | ||
| That's an orange that you fucked with. | ||
| And I don't know if you really know what's gonna happen with that orange. | ||
| If I eat one of these a day for the next 20 years, is that gonna rot my asshole out? | ||
| You know, what is going on? | ||
| Is it gonna erase my memory? | ||
| At least give me the information. | ||
| I want to know if it's got the gene of a jellyfish so it doesn't freeze. | ||
| I want to know that. | ||
|
unidentified
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Exactly. | |
| Show me everything. | ||
| Show me everything you've got. | ||
| Let me make my own choices. | ||
| You can't hide information. | ||
| And the idea that they would do that with our food, which is something that's... | ||
| We have a health crisis in this country, for sure, even though we have access to all of the information on the back of food. | ||
| All of the nutritional information is readily available in almost anything that we buy in a store, except for meats and things like that. | ||
| But when we do that, we still don't use it. | ||
| We still don't use that information. | ||
| And so many people are eating terrible food every day, and so many people are unhealthy and sick all the time, and they're essentially poisoning themselves. | ||
| So that's with information! | ||
|
unidentified
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That's right. | |
| That's with the fucking information! | ||
| With readily apparent bad things to eat, and people choose them. | ||
| You can't stop information. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| Because what you're doing is you're setting yourself up so that you can lie and protect people in power. | ||
| That's the only reason you should be doing it. | ||
| We already have a problem. | ||
| We already have a problem with people having shitty diets. | ||
| We already have a problem with this weird thing with humans where stuff that tastes amazing is fucking killing you. | ||
| Like, Krispy Kreme donuts are fucking delicious. | ||
| But that's like, toxin! | ||
| Those are like pure little sugar things. | ||
| If you go to a lot of parts of the country, like you and I do, travel a lot, there's not a lot of access to real good food. | ||
| There's access to different restaurant chains or there's access to just a bunch of fast food in some areas where you can't even get healthy food. | ||
| Supermarkets. | ||
| But even then, you get a tomato and it's pale. | ||
| It's this white fucking tomato. | ||
| They ripened it in a gas chamber. | ||
| That's why. | ||
| Not only that, it's the genetics of the thing have completely been altered so they can keep them on a truck for a week. | ||
| You know, it's sort of the same thing that they've done with raw milk. | ||
| And I know, and people that are screaming, you know, we've saved all these lives and people from raw milk. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| They're going to die anyway. | ||
| Look, everyone's going to die. | ||
| You're going to die too. | ||
| That's not the point. | ||
| I get what you're saying. | ||
| I know it logically. | ||
| You're correct. | ||
| Ethically, you're correct. | ||
| Transparency. | ||
| You're talking about transparency. | ||
| No, I'm talking. | ||
| Not just about transparency. | ||
| I'm saying that too many people are telling too many people what is and isn't okay to do. | ||
| That's a real problem. | ||
| And I always say that the way we should have the law in this country is, could you imagine Clint Eastwood arresting you for it? | ||
| If he had a gun and he pointed it at you, could you imagine that Clint Eastwood would arrest you for it? | ||
| That's the Clint Eastwood principle. | ||
| Harry, you're growing hemp. | ||
| Could you imagine Dirty Harry where he breaks down hemp farms? | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| Oh, what are you going to do? | ||
| Are you going to make food and clothes? | ||
| The fuck you are. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Get in the squad car. | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Anything other than that is a bullshit law. | ||
| Okay, I could imagine Dirty Harry arresting these cunts that are getting paid off by Monsanto. | ||
| I can imagine Dirty Harry catching some scotch-drinking asshole, you know, in his Senate room, you know, beating some hooker to death. | ||
| And he, you know, he walks in and he, you fuck, I got Monsanto, Drew, and you're a dead man. | ||
| You're a dead, and he shoots him. | ||
| You're a dead man, Callahan. | ||
| And you're happy. | ||
| You're happy that he shot the evil Monsanto guy. | ||
| Yeah, that seems like Clint Eastwood might want to step in on this one. | ||
| But could you see Clint Eastwood arresting you for having a roach in your car? | ||
| No, of course not. | ||
| He would maybe slap you. | ||
| Don't be stupid. | ||
| Don't be stupid, kid. | ||
| Michael Pollan says you can vote three times a day by what you put on your plate. | ||
| Fuck yeah, you can. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| Well, that's why I've been telling people, you know, one day, the stoners are going to unite. | ||
| Because there's a lot of bullshit out there. | ||
| You need to respect the stoner dollar. | ||
| I think the way of the future, though, is probably genetically modified foods, ultimately. | ||
| The way of the future is organic food. | ||
| I don't think we can feed enough people with organic food. | ||
| I don't know if that's true. | ||
| I don't believe it. | ||
| And I think as time goes on... | ||
| The origin of those thoughts is profit. | ||
| I do not believe that the origin of those thoughts is because we're really concerned with feeding people. | ||
| That's not something that you hear from the federal government. | ||
| That's not something that's taken into consideration when you look at how much money they spend on defense contractors. | ||
| Fucking billions and billions of dollars on a daily basis, on a yearly basis rather. | ||
| On defense contractors, how much they spend feeding people? | ||
| Fucking zero! | ||
| Okay, if they had the same resources that they put into the military and they put that into feeding people, they would be incredibly successful in feeding people. | ||
| So when they come along and say, we need genetically modified foods because we need to feed people. | ||
| They're not trying to feed people. | ||
| They're not talking about feed people. | ||
| They want profit. | ||
| That's true, but all food has been genetically modified. | ||
| All of it. | ||
| Everything we Well, there's a difference between selective breeding and growing and genetically modifying things. | ||
| They are changing things at the genetic level to give them resistance to pesticides. | ||
| They're doing a lot of shit. | ||
| But if the technology is out there like golden rice, which is very high in vitamin A, it's good for a lot of poor kids. | ||
| It's not a yes or a no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's not a yes or a no. | ||
| That's all I'm saying. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| I think that the rise of technology even in food is inevitable. | ||
| There's a good side to it and there can also be an evil side to it. | ||
| I think the question is transparency and knowing and seeing all the data and holding companies accountable and realizing that technology is not a bad thing. | ||
| It is a good thing. | ||
| We probably, if we have 80 million people on this planet and We're probably going to have to resort to genetically modified foods. | ||
| We already are in some parts of the world. | ||
| The question becomes, how do you do it responsibly and ethically? | ||
| The real issue is Paul Reiser's character from Aliens. | ||
| Because that cunty, sneaky, slimy guy who wanted to bring the alien back and use it as a biological weapon, that was what was wrong with that fucking movie. | ||
| That's what you call fucking full circle, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| And that's what's wrong with lobbyists. | ||
| That's what's wrong with people influencing. | ||
| The Congress to let something like this sneak through where frankenfoods can be in your diet and you're not even aware of it? | ||
| Sure, man. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I mean, that's exactly right. | ||
| It becomes who you know, not what you're doing that matters. | ||
| Yeah, and even people who might say, well, you're ignorant as to the effect of genetically modified foods. | ||
| And you are absolutely right. | ||
| I have not read that much about genetically modified foods. | ||
| I have read both pro and con. | ||
| I have heard, like, Cara Santa Maria had some very good points about genetically modified foods. | ||
| And you have some very good points and I've seen like Penn Jillette had some very good points. | ||
| He and I had a discussion about genetically modified foods and I respect his opinion as well. | ||
| It is not that. | ||
| This isn't the argument. | ||
| The argument is about transparency and it's about the access to information and it's about someone who is supposed to be looking out for the interests of the people allowing people to withhold information. | ||
| You should never do that. | ||
| You should just never do that. | ||
| You should never allow someone who's selling something To withhold some weird shit that they're doing to it that might affect your health. | ||
| I want to know if the fucking food I'm eating has a jellyfish gene in it, etc. | ||
| I want to know that stuff. | ||
| Tell me everything you know. | ||
| And this is sort of semi-hempocritical coming from me because I'm in the supplement company. | ||
| I'm involved with the supplement company. | ||
| But you take the supplements yourself. | ||
| There's enough tangible data on the subject that I'm confident in the results and that I also have benefited. | ||
| I know that I've benefited from taking supplements. | ||
| I know that I've benefited. | ||
| I know that my health is pretty fucking good. | ||
| And I know also a lot of it has to do with diet. | ||
| A lot of it has to do with exercise. | ||
| A lot of it has to do with genetics. | ||
| No doubt about it. | ||
| But I am very confident. | ||
| I've gone through periods of... | ||
| I've even made experiments where I've backed off supplements and I get blood work done on a regular basis. | ||
| I'm pretty aware of what the fuck's going on. | ||
| And when my nutrients are all at a very high level, I function better. | ||
| I just do. | ||
| I know I do. | ||
| I have more energy. | ||
| I feel better. | ||
| And it's all done in conjunction. | ||
| But there's not enough... | ||
| If you look at... | ||
| The negative aspects that could possibly come from supplementation. | ||
| There's not really enough information about that. | ||
| How many vitamin D pills can you take before it makes you sick? | ||
| How many people take the wrong amount of this? | ||
| It's a real trial and error thing. | ||
| Doing blood work. | ||
| So I always encourage people, if you're interested in your health, you've got to know what the fuck is really going on in your body. | ||
| That's what Tim Ferriss says. | ||
| Get blood work done. | ||
|
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|
Yes! | |
| Don't take guesses. | ||
| He found out he was low on, I think, myric acid. | ||
| That's why he takes coconut oil. | ||
| The only place you can find, I think it's called myric or mycelic acid, the only place you can find it is in sperm whale oil and coconut oil. | ||
| And I started taking it. | ||
| I gotta tell you, man, I take a teaspoon or a tablespoon in the morning. | ||
| Maybe it's psychological, but I feel better, man. | ||
| I feel better when I do things like the kale shakes, when I juice kale, when I take coconut oil. | ||
| It's 100%. | ||
| And I know that people are skeptical. | ||
| No sugar. | ||
| Maybe people are bullshitting. | ||
| Maybe this is just more a placebo effect. | ||
| Maybe this is... | ||
| Look, it makes sense. | ||
| Food's a drug, man. | ||
| Treat it like that. | ||
| It's not just that. | ||
| It's also, what exactly is your body? | ||
| Why does it need nutrients? | ||
| What is really going on? | ||
| What's some sort of a chemical process? | ||
| And it just stands to reason that the more building blocks it gets for repair, for killing – taking out anti-radicals or free radicals, for destroying free radicals in your system, For helping you strengthen your immune system. | ||
| All those different things. | ||
| It just only makes sense that if the machine has all it needs, it will function better. | ||
| Did Tim Ferriss tell you, I had him on the podcast and he said he went to the Blue Zone in Okinawa to see the one area where they live longer than anybody else? | ||
| Is it like a coral thing? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| He said he isolated. | ||
| He was interested in seeing what they don't do. | ||
| One thing, they don't eat rice. | ||
| They eat blue potatoes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ah. | |
| Which was interesting. | ||
| Blue potatoes? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But he also said that, and I tried to guess what they were, but he said there are a couple things that they have that are very important for health. | ||
| One, they never retire. | ||
| And two, strong fucking communities. | ||
| And they always eat just enough. | ||
| There's a saying for it. | ||
| I eat just enough. | ||
| I never stuff. | ||
| But mainly, they think the two main things, and Malcolm Gladwell talks about this, community is fucking important for longevity. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| Community and never retiring. | ||
| Being interested and involved in something is so important for your health. | ||
| And it seems metaphysical. | ||
| It doesn't seem physical. | ||
| Like this town, Rosetta. | ||
| Heart disease in the 50s in this country was epidemic. | ||
| They'd open up soldiers who were at 21 and a lot of their arteries were like 80% clogged. | ||
| It was epidemic. | ||
| They'd go to this place, Rosetta, which is this really tight Italian community in Pennsylvania. | ||
| They ate lard. | ||
| They were all overweight. | ||
| None of them were dying of heart disease. | ||
| They were all dying of old age. | ||
| Why? | ||
| The only thing they could isolate was the fact that they were such a tight, loving community. | ||
| Maybe they come from a really strong genetic stock. | ||
| They're all from the same part of Italy. | ||
| They took guys from Rosetta who went to other parts of the country. | ||
| They were dying of heart disease at the same rate. | ||
| But when they were in this fucking community, they had such a strong, tight bond within that community and so much support. | ||
| They were just happy people. | ||
| They were just happy people. | ||
| It totally makes sense. | ||
| There's a physical aspect of human interaction. | ||
| There's a reaction. | ||
| There's something happening and there's a need for it to the point where they punish people in prison by taking it away from them. | ||
| If you don't touch a baby when they're between zero and one, they will die. | ||
| It's called failure to thrive. | ||
| Hospitals have to have people come by and hold the babies. | ||
| They used to have in orphanages they put a baby and they wouldn't touch it because they didn't want to give it a disease. | ||
| When they did that, the baby would die. | ||
| It's called failure to thrive. | ||
| If you don't hold a baby for a certain amount of time during the day, they will die. | ||
| I completely believe that. | ||
| Totally makes sense. | ||
| We don't want to accept it as an actual tangible, measurable sort of a feeling or a thing. | ||
| But it's important. | ||
| Community is important. | ||
| You're not an island, man. | ||
| We need each other. | ||
| When I think of all the good times, and I think about, like, I was watching that hunting thing, that you and I go back so far, I thought, you feel so lucky when you have friends, that you have so many experiences with, like, you and I know each other so fucking well. | ||
| You know, so well, like, all the thorns and all, it's just such a, and watch, we've grown up together, you know? | ||
| Basically, yeah. | ||
| That kind of stuff is priceless. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I've known you for almost 20 years now, dude. | ||
| 20 years, brother. | ||
| It'll be 20 years next year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
20 years. | |
| That's a long ass time. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You stop to think about how much crazy shit we've seen together. | ||
| Yeah, and you've saved me from making some crazy decisions too, dude. | ||
| Well, you know, you've saved me from going insane. | ||
| I mean, I remember meeting you. | ||
| I was like, oh, there's one out there. | ||
| There's someone out there I can hang with. | ||
| I grew up, you know, in a bunch of different places in this country, you know, from when I was a little kid and lived in San Francisco, then I lived in Florida. | ||
| But I spent, you know, all through my high school years, I spent, you know, in Boston. | ||
| And one of the things about Boston, like I lived in a suburb, Newton, is you met a lot of real guys. | ||
| There's a lot of guys who got up at 6 o'clock in the fucking morning and mowed lawns before they came to school. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| I mean, there was, and there were men's men. | ||
| You know, there were actual men. | ||
| If someone talked some shit, they wanted to go punch him in the face. | ||
| It was like, and growing up around them, it was like, these were normal people that I could, if he told me a story, I knew that's what happened, or at least what he thinks had happened. | ||
| But I was getting mixed signals when I came to LA. I was like, oh my god, this is an insane asylum. | ||
| I was totally ready to go back to New York. | ||
| And if I didn't sign a fucking lease for my apartment, I thought my show was going to – that stupid baseball show. | ||
| I was an idiot. | ||
| I was 20-whatever years old. | ||
| I was going to be the greatest show ever. | ||
| I'm getting an apartment. | ||
| I can't fail. | ||
| And within, you know, four weeks, I knew it was doomed. | ||
| And I'm like, fuck, I got a fucking apartment. | ||
| I had an apartment for a year. | ||
| I wanted to get out of here. | ||
| I was like, this is filled with crazy people. | ||
| And it is, by the way. | ||
| But I slowly but surely accumulated a group of great friends. | ||
| It took forever. | ||
| It's like I had to slowly grab guys like you. | ||
| Okay, come this way. | ||
| And then go, here's Joey Diaz. | ||
| Look at this guy. | ||
| Oh, we got to get him. | ||
| Get in there. | ||
| It's really true. | ||
| I come to LA. My buddy said he was from New York and he showed up at a party and he goes to this party and there's this guy in a robe with his arm around two girls on a couch and he goes like this. | ||
| He goes, gentlemen, welcome to my place. | ||
| Make yourselves at home. | ||
| He was like, get me the fuck out of here right now. | ||
| How about I kick you in the face just for saying that and wearing a fucking robe, shithead. | ||
| That only works on here. | ||
| Try that in Boston or New York. | ||
| See how long you last with that shit. | ||
| Like, my buddy was rock climbing. | ||
| We were rock climbing. | ||
| My one buddy's from California. | ||
| He was being a smartass with him and telling him what to do. | ||
| And my buddy was a wrestler. | ||
| My buddy turned to him and goes, hey, you. | ||
| I don't know you. | ||
| You sure as fuck don't know me. | ||
| And that's the last time I hear you tell me to do anything. | ||
| And everybody got quiet. | ||
| And he And he was like, what the fuck? | ||
| The guy fucking threatened me. | ||
| I go, that's right, dude. | ||
| He threatened you physically because you're being a fucking disrespectful moron. | ||
| There are guys out there that'll punch you in the fucking face if you don't know how to behave. | ||
| There's a giant percentage of people who grow up on this coast that they don't know how to behave. | ||
| Never seen a fight. | ||
| Even if they have seen a fight. | ||
| They've seen a fight between someone like them and someone like them. | ||
| I'm not talking about Mexicans either. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I'm talking about white guys. | ||
| No, I'm talking about white guys in Hollywood. | ||
| There's some tough... | ||
| I know a lot of Latino guys out here who are tough as shit. | ||
| That's a whole different culture, man. | ||
| Well, what you're talking about is actors. | ||
| Yeah, I'm talking about actors. | ||
| You're really talking about actors. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| It's nothing to do with white guys. | ||
| There's some tough ass fucking regular white dudes from California. | ||
| What you're talking about is actors. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's probably right. | |
| That's what it is. | ||
| They're loons. | ||
| They're fucking loons. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Loons. | |
| And when I first met you, I was like, oh, this guy's doing it. | ||
| He's normal too. | ||
| Or you're not normal. | ||
| You're certainly not normal, but neither am I, or was I. Well, I was just honest about my interests, which were somewhat caveman. | ||
| We were both... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dudes! | |
| Like, we could talk. | ||
| We were two men. | ||
| I was like, oh my god, there's another man. | ||
| I could talk to this man. | ||
| You know, what's going on here? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| There's this and there's that. | ||
| I'm like, what's with this fucking guy? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| Look at these fucking people that were on the set with you just on MADtv. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're EXHAUSTING! Exhausted! | |
| Trying to be funny and clunky and talking about their career. | ||
| Shut the fuck up! | ||
| My God! | ||
| What kind of self-serving noise is coming out of that stupid head of yours? | ||
| Like, you don't even know that someone's listening to you. | ||
| You can't even have a conversation. | ||
| You're not even a person. | ||
| You're one of those weird fucking actor automatons. | ||
| I came to dinner one time and I had a hat on turned backwards. | ||
| I was fucking cool as shit. | ||
| I looked in the mirror like 50 times that day because I just had this new hat. | ||
| I fucking sit down at the dinner table. | ||
| My father looked at me and he just goes, how you doing? | ||
| I go, I'm good. | ||
| He goes, yeah. | ||
| I can't even do it with a straight face. | ||
| All he did is he goes... | ||
| Why are you wearing that hat? | ||
| I was like, I'm not anymore! | ||
| Just the way he said it, I was like, I'm an idiot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But today, if you wanted to do it, you could pull it off. | |
| Like, now you're a different man. | ||
| Now you're self-actualized, self-realized. | ||
| Now you could show up with a beret on. | ||
| I'm like, Father, you're missing a certain amount of sophistication and worldliness. | ||
| I torture him. | ||
| My generation. | ||
| I mean, I read books. | ||
| I'm wearing a beret. | ||
| It's like, you can't fuck with this. | ||
| And a scarf. | ||
| But you could laugh about that and it would be great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| But if I was 21 and I was wearing a beret, I was serious. | ||
| I was really trying to wear a beret like a fucking asshole. | ||
| Like, what am I? You know what I mean? | ||
| Like, what are those green... | ||
| Not the... | ||
| What are those dudes that... | ||
| The guardian angels? | ||
| Remember that? | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| Dude, I remember being in Boston and they just made it to Boston. | ||
| They were in New York for a while and they just made it to Boston. | ||
| And the guy was walking around with his Guardian Angels t-shirt on and his beret on and he's walking and I look at him and I'm following him and I'm locking eyes and he looks at me and goes, fuck you. | ||
| He gave me the finger. | ||
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| I didn't even say anything. | ||
| I didn't even say anything. | ||
| And you are a fucking guardian angel? | ||
| Really? | ||
| And then the guy who was the head of it, who's like some radio DJ guy now, he like faked a rape. | ||
| He faked where he helped someone. | ||
| Oh no. | ||
| He got shot, you know. | ||
| Yeah, but there was something he faked. | ||
| Hold on, I'll pull it up. | ||
| I don't want to slander the young man. | ||
| Curtis Silva, I think his name is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fake story. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think he got mugged and he started the... | |
| Yeah, I think that was horse shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I think that might... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Courtesy was History of Lies and Publicity Stunts Part 1. Ooh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| That's not good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| He admitted to creating and perpetuating at least six hoaxes over the years between 1979 and 1980, according to the December 14, 1992 issue of People magazine. | ||
| Because that's, remember, when he got in trouble. | ||
| In the article, Silva recounts an October 1980 publicity stunt where he claimed he was kidnapped by New York City Transit Police and told if the Guardian Angels don't quit patrolling the subways, they would kill him. | ||
| Everyone was against us, Silva blatantly explained. | ||
| The mayor, the cops, even the public. | ||
| We just needed some good attention. | ||
| Oh, he's a fucking scam artist. | ||
| You know, if you're a scam artist once, you're a scam artist forever. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| You know, this is what he's doing. | ||
| I mean, I guess, can you bounce back from that? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| I'm going to try to do that with my stand-up. | ||
| Somehow I'm going to be like, I got arrested for making people laugh too much. | ||
| They were pulling people out on fucking, out on stretchers. | ||
| This guy would have to bounce back a long way though, man. | ||
| You know, he would bounce, he'd have to bounce back a long way. | ||
| Because this is, he's had another guy who worked with him, who claimed that he faked several incidents, including highly publicized rape of then wife Lisa Silwa. | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| Silwa, whatever it is. | ||
| And he faked that too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's bullshit. | ||
| Well, they did lure him into a cabin. | ||
| They did shoot him, I think, in the legs or something. | ||
| Yeah, well, whatever it is. | ||
| I mean, who knows what happened? | ||
| He might have paid someone to do something crazy to him. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Maybe it was just, if you're doing this many bullshit publicity stunts, you're probably a really annoying guy. | ||
| Somebody eventually actually does want to shoot you. | ||
| Gets really annoyed at you. | ||
| Silly bitch. | ||
| But if I was wearing that beret, yeah. | ||
| Smack me. | ||
| If I was 21, smack me. | ||
| You're not allowed to wear a beret. | ||
| Yeah, even today I can't pull off a beret. | ||
| No, nobody can. | ||
| Nobody can pull off a beret! | ||
| Randy Couture can pull off a beret. | ||
| Unless you're a green beret or in the French Foreign Legion, then you can wear a beret. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Or a G.I. Joe. | |
| Yeah, if you're G.I. Joe. | ||
| Even then. | ||
| Does the new G.I. Joe, does he have a beret? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I think one of the guys is probably like Falcon or something. | |
| Berets if they're done well, like I went to Afghanistan. | ||
| Oh, he's turning his corner. | ||
| He came right back around. | ||
| Berets if they're done well. | ||
| If you've got a machine gun and you're in the French Foreign Legion or something, you can actually, you look pretty good. | ||
| Yeah, that is kind of, isn't that kind of funny that you're, like, if you're a killer, you're allowed to wear a beret? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Like, that's when you're allowed to wear the silliest hat ever. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| We want you to wear the silliest hat ever because you're our best killer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Like, why not give him a cat-in-the-hat hat? | ||
| Imagine that? | ||
| Instead of the green berets, the cat in the hats. | ||
| They're so gangster, they don't give a fuck if you see their hats. | ||
| They're coming at you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is pretty funny. | |
| Here's a screenshot of G.I. Joe 2. We got the characters, and then we got, Hi, guys, I'm wearing a beret here. | ||
| He doesn't look bad. | ||
| No, Brian keeps saying that he has a gay accent. | ||
| Brian, stop doing that voice. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| It doesn't sound like him, and you can't keep repeating it. | ||
| It's not funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not true. | |
| Nobody agreed with you. | ||
| People that agreed with you just wanted to talk to you. | ||
| They just wanted to reach out to you on the internet. | ||
| They're crazy, too. | ||
| That's a bad Dennis Quaid. | ||
| He doesn't sound gay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All I said is, I think Dennis Quaid sounds like a South Park character. | |
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Trey Parker doing a South Park character. | |
| Well, what he did sound like in that movie you're talking about, The Day After Tomorrow, was totally fake. | ||
| That's absolutely true. | ||
| It was such a super fake movie that his acting sucked. | ||
| It was a terrible movie. | ||
| What's it called? | ||
| The Day After Tomorrow. | ||
| It would be impossible to do and not be ridiculous. | ||
| What have you seen that you loved besides Les Miserables? | ||
| Well, that I got injected. | ||
| I got Les Miserables injected into my asshole with a laser beam. | ||
| I wouldn't watch it on screen. | ||
| I want to experience it through my central nervous system asshole first. | ||
| I love musicals. | ||
| I came in my own mouth. | ||
| My cum, I opened my mouth and it was like a jet came out of my cock that was the exact shape of my mouth on the inside and it went in seamlessly. | ||
| It was an airtight gallon of cum that just like a wiffle ball bat expanded from the tip of my dick out in a fan, the shape of my mouth and went right in the hole. | ||
| You had to sit through a fucking musical one time. | ||
| I remember you told me, I go, what was it like? | ||
| He goes, it was a murderous attention on my... | ||
| A murderous assault on my attention span. | ||
| Murderous assault on my attention span. | ||
| Yeah, I had a friend that was in a musical, and we all went, and we watched the first half. | ||
| And then I was like, what do you guys think? | ||
| And they're like, well, I think she's doing a really great job. | ||
| I think it was awesome. | ||
| And I said, that was a fucking murderous assault on your attention span. | ||
| How dare you pretend you like that? | ||
| Nobody could possibly like that. | ||
| You're watching nonsense. | ||
| You're watching songs that suck for no reason. | ||
| Someone's singing songs for no reason and those songs are fucking terrible. | ||
| This shit doesn't make any sense. | ||
| You shut your mouth. | ||
| You shut your mouth. | ||
| You're not enjoying this. | ||
| Would it just be weird if I started singing now to tell you? | ||
| Joe, you're my friend. | ||
| And they drop their jaw. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So stupid. | |
| I get embarrassed when I see those things. | ||
| Where all of a sudden the guy starts to sing. | ||
| Well, what about the time that you had an acting class? | ||
| Brian had an acting class once. | ||
| Oh, yes! | ||
| And it was in the... | ||
| Did I... Who did I... Oh, okay. | ||
| It was... | ||
| Brian had an acting class, and it was... | ||
| He had a... | ||
| The teacher was singing show tunes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Brian called me up, and he says, You have to come to this. | ||
| My teacher is going to sing show tunes, and he means it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I knew you'd love it. | |
| I knew you'd love it. | ||
| He means it. | ||
| So I went, I found Brian, and me and him just cuddled up like a couple of retards, like, Oh my goodness! | ||
| This is the most ridiculous thing I've ever seen! | ||
| It was great. | ||
| He was singing like... | ||
| You know, he was a guy. | ||
| He's a great guy, but he just loved show tunes. | ||
| Fucking loved them! | ||
| And very straight. | ||
| And I was so fascinated. | ||
| I was like, you love musicals! | ||
| He loved them! | ||
| You know I took a musical theater class. | ||
| You know that. | ||
| Did I ever tell you that? | ||
| Was that your teacher? | ||
| Was he the teacher? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| I was so obsessed with the whole idea. | ||
| I was like, I gotta see who loves this stuff. | ||
| I get obsessed with that stuff. | ||
| I love seeing the insanity, and I'll get involved in it, man! | ||
| I enjoyed it, man. | ||
| I enjoyed it for all the wrong reasons, but you and I had a great fucking time that night. | ||
| It was really a good laugh. | ||
| Yeah, he was great. | ||
| He I had the lyrics of one of his songs stuck in my head for so many years because it was so bad. | ||
| It was like... | ||
| Those show tunes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
May you have a drink when you are thirsty and need a drink. | |
| Really literal songs on the nose. | ||
| Really bad. | ||
| But it was like one of those where it was like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
She's gone away on a train. | |
| The sun is down. | ||
| May you have a hug when you need a hug. | ||
| We should do a musical. | ||
| Oh, no, we shouldn't. | ||
| Yes! | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're hunting now for tears. | |
| I really enjoyed The Book of Mormon. | ||
| I didn't see that. | ||
| It was great. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| But I like their movies better. | ||
| How about that? | ||
| How about that? | ||
| Even the best case scenario when a bunch of people are singing. | ||
| It's not as fun. | ||
| I want to be a musical theater guy now. | ||
| South Park, the movie, is still to this day, I think, one of the greatest comedy specials or comedy movies that's ever been done. | ||
| I remember you called me after that. | ||
| You know I've never seen it. | ||
| Oh my god, that's so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Have you seen Team America? | |
| Never. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| I have to, right? | ||
| What is wrong with you? | ||
| I'm gonna do that. | ||
| I'm gonna write that down right now. | ||
| And it was because it was so ridiculous. | ||
| And Team America was also a musical. | ||
| There was a lot of musical elements to it. | ||
| It was a little bit of music and then a lot of acting, sort of like, even like the Book of Mormon. | ||
| Isn't that the one where Sean Penn got really mad at them for making fun of... | ||
| Did he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, of a lot of things. | |
| Come on, Sean, you gotta take... | ||
| Oh, Sean. | ||
| He gets a little uptight. | ||
| He needs a hug. | ||
| Well, again, he's a fucking actor. | ||
| There's no getting around that, man. | ||
| The best actors, the coolest ones to hang out with are still not nearly as interesting as your average landscaper. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's a fact. | ||
| That's why on my podcast I never have actors. | ||
| I always want to have other people, like somebody who writes a book, or a soldier, I don't know, somebody, a lawyer. | ||
| That's more interesting to me. | ||
| Yeah, I remember I was listening to an interview, and I think Brad Pitt's an awesome actor, no doubt about it. | ||
| But I was listening, it was on CNN, and I wasn't paying attention. | ||
| You don't care. | ||
| And I was like, who's this idiot that Larry King's talking to? | ||
| It doesn't mean he's good at making believe and that's what it is. | ||
| It doesn't mean he's got charisma. | ||
| He's great to look at. | ||
| It doesn't mean I'm going to listen to his point of view on life. | ||
| Well, also I think that the ability to transform yourself into another person like – Daniel Taylor. | ||
| It doesn't necessarily lend itself to you being an eloquent public speaker and representative of your craft. | ||
| A weirdo? | ||
| You mean because Daniel Day-Lewis lived in a fucking log cabin with no electricity through the whole time he shot Lincoln? | ||
| Hey, hey! | ||
| It's called acting, dude. | ||
| Meanwhile, it still sucked. | ||
| That's gotta suck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When you do that, when you spend so much time, and you're still boring the fucking shit out of me. | |
| The movie The Boxer. | ||
| He trained for three years to be a boxer for real. | ||
| He got good, and I watched it. | ||
| I was like, well, you could have done the movie without being a boxer, actually. | ||
| It wasn't that. | ||
| It wasn't, like, the deciding factor. | ||
| But it was to him, man. | ||
| It was to him, man. | ||
| He is that guy. | ||
| Christian Bale said it the best. | ||
| He said, why do you lose weight? | ||
| You put yourself through all this crazy shit. | ||
| He goes, you know why I do that stuff, dude? | ||
| I make believe I wear makeup for a living. | ||
| It doesn't make me feel like a man. | ||
| So I got to make it really fucking difficult on myself. | ||
| It was a great answer. | ||
| That dude needs a hug, too. | ||
| They all need hugs. | ||
| Marky Mark doesn't have that attitude. | ||
| Uh-uh. | ||
| You guys want attitude and you want to laugh? | ||
| You come to San Antonio Laugh Out Loud Comedy Club Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. | ||
| LOL! LOL, San Antonio! | ||
| And listen to the 10-Minute Podcast and Brian Callen Show. | ||
| I'm out! | ||
| Yeah, you dirty fucks. | ||
| That's a good way to end this thing. | ||
| Let's fucking wrap it up. | ||
| This Saturday night, I'll be in Indianapolis, Indiana, with young Tony Hinchcliffe, taking Tony out on the road, break his little comedy booty, break his cherry in. | ||
| What'd you say? | ||
|
unidentified
|
H plus H, Cliff plus E. What is that? | |
| That's how you spell his last name. | ||
| Oh, silly. | ||
| So that's this Saturday night, Indianapolis, New Brunswick in New Jersey. | ||
| I'm pretty sure it's sold out. | ||
| And I think San Jose sold out too. | ||
| So suck it! | ||
| Joe Rogan! | ||
| The Joe Rogan experience! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Suck it! | |
| That's my Walking Dead voice. | ||
| Every time I see you and then I see me, we could have been brothers. | ||
| Oh, easily. | ||
| Well, everybody in my house, by the way, my parents watched the Meat Eater episode. | ||
| They watched it because they were kind of freaked out about me killing a deer. | ||
| It was a little odd to see them watch us gut it with a hatchet, like chip open the fucking rib cage. | ||
| It was pretty intense stuff. | ||
| But they were like, you guys look like the closest to brothers you ever have. | ||
| Like, as you get older, you really look like brothers. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's really interesting. | |
| I kept like, I was like, is that Joe or that me? | ||
| That's strange. | ||
| I'm better looking, obviously. | ||
| Fun times. | ||
| A little sexier. | ||
| You're a little sexier. | ||
| Rogan.ting.com, bitches. | ||
| Go there. | ||
| Save yourself $25. | ||
| Put it in your mouth. | ||
| Put it in your mouth and rub its balls. | ||
| That doesn't make any sense. | ||
| I'm sorry, Ting. | ||
| You don't deserve that for your commercial. | ||
| Rogan.ting.com. | ||
| Go there and save yourself $25 off either a phone or service. | ||
| An excellent company that supports the podcast. | ||
| So please support them. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Squarespace. | ||
| And I think it is squarespace.com forward slash... | ||
| Joe, and I think the code is Joe3, right? | ||
| Joe4 now. | ||
| It's probably Joe4 now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
If 4 doesn't work, do Joe3. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Be creative. | ||
| If 4 doesn't work, just figure it out, you dirty fucks. | ||
| But go to Squarespace and support them. | ||
| Easy, easy website setup and awesome ability. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Look at this nice website I got. | |
| Look at that. | ||
| I want Dolphin Butthole. | ||
| Put that shit together while this show is going on, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| I mean, it's really that ridiculous. | ||
| And he probably will maintain it, too. | ||
| It's so easy. | ||
| Throw some pictures up there every now and then. | ||
| And only people who listen to this episode will know about this. | ||
| Register that. | ||
| Hurry, quickly. | ||
| Use Hover to register it. | ||
| I want DolphinButthole.com. | ||
| Don't get.org, because then you can't profit legally, I think. | ||
| I made that up. | ||
| Get.net. | ||
| Be clever. | ||
| Be different. | ||
| Be indie. | ||
| Go also to Squarespace.com forward slash Joe, right? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| Did we figure it out? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, go there. | ||
| Go to Squarespace, you fucks. | ||
| Get yourself a goddamn website. | ||
| We're all out of the Chimp Kettlebells at Onnit.com, but we got more coming. | ||
| And like I said, a lot more cool shit headed your way. | ||
| And if you think of any cool shit that we need to have in the store, fucking let us know about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dick pills? | |
| Settle down, son. | ||
| Those gas station ones you can't sell legally over the internet. | ||
| Them Cialis Chinese mixtures. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's sold from Canada. | |
| Powerful Brian Callen. | ||
| Thank you for having me on, Joe Rogan. | ||
| Thank you for being on again. | ||
| You, sir, are awesome. | ||
| Not as awesome as you, my friend. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You are the awesomest ever, so it's impossible to be any more awesome. | |
| So what you said makes no sense. | ||
| Powerful Brian Red Band. | ||
| Where are you at this weekend? | ||
| Cupcake? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ice House Friday. | |
| Powerful Ice House Friday. | ||
| Who's going to be there with you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know yet. | |
| Powerful lineup though. | ||
| There's always really funny comics in town. | ||
| I mean, it's LA and Pasadena Ice House is the oldest comedy club in the country as far as I know. | ||
| Is it really? | ||
| Yeah, it's been around more than 50 years. | ||
| I like that little room and I like the big room. | ||
| Yeah, we just did the little room last Friday night. | ||
| It was fucking amazing. | ||
| Hey, we love the shit out of you people and we'll see you tomorrow with Douglas Rushkoff, a brilliant author and a really interesting guy and we're going to have some really cool conversation tomorrow with Douglas. | ||
| Google him if you don't know who the fuck he is. | ||
| What am I, your mom? | ||
| Suck it! |
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