March 5, 2013 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:47:54
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
|
unidentified
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Beautiful voice, man. | |
| Yeah, it's sweet, right? | ||
| Like an angel. | ||
| Tommy Segura, this episode of the Joe Rogan Experience is brought to you by Ting. | ||
| Ting is one of our favorite sponsors. | ||
| It's an awesome company, a great cell phone company. | ||
| That works on the Sprint backbone but gives you a lot of options as far as what you can do with your account. | ||
| They don't have any contracts. | ||
| You can cancel at any time. | ||
| I love this part. | ||
| No overage charges or penalties if you use more time than you thought you would. | ||
| You just pay for what you used and credit on unused service. | ||
| This is unheard of. | ||
| If you use less than you thought you would, Ting drops you down to the level you hit and the credits the difference on your next bill. | ||
| I mean, that's fucking incredible. | ||
| That sounds way too fair. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| Nobody does that. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| It's a really cool idea. | ||
| It's like, do business, but do it ethically and do it in a way where people aren't being fucked. | ||
| You're still going to get plenty of business. | ||
| There's 300 million goddamn people in this country. | ||
| How many people do you need? | ||
| How much money do you need? | ||
| Wouldn't you feel happier if you had, you know, whatever. | ||
| Enough, but it feels good. | ||
| You're doing everything you should be doing with a company. | ||
| Providing an excellent service. | ||
| It's on the Sprint backbone, one of the biggest cell phone services. | ||
| In the country, and they use these awesome phones. | ||
| They have these, I was telling you, the Samsung Galaxy S3. Yeah. | ||
| And they have the Note and the Note 2. Oh, these things are insane! | ||
| Isn't it crazy, though? | ||
|
unidentified
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They're beautiful! | |
| We need to get some notes in this, bitch. | ||
| I know, we need to get some notes. | ||
| It makes me think... | ||
| It's crazy when you hear that a company is so ethical that it makes you go like, what's going on? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah, you guys are the CIA. Why are you guys being all honest? | |
| Yeah, why are you doing so much sneaky shit? | ||
| There's a real tendency with companies to try to make as much money as possible, to maximize their profits. | ||
| And the more they maximize their profits, especially corporations, you're dealing with many, many employees, like who knows how many, a hundred, a thousand, whatever it is. | ||
| When you're dealing with all those people, If you want to maximize profit, they're trying to maximize profit collectively over a group of hundreds of people where it makes an impact on even one of them. | ||
| There's a lot of fucking money involved is what I'm trying to say. | ||
| And there's got to be the correct ethics in place. | ||
| And I think for a lot of companies in this country, they're not. | ||
| I think a lot of companies, they're just trying to make as much money as possible. | ||
| But smart people like Ting are saying, you know what? | ||
| You can make plenty of money and still be really fair. | ||
| And that's good money. | ||
| That's the new concept. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And it's a great concept. | ||
| You know, the same with Hover. | ||
| Hover is a domain name company that is also owned by Ting and they have sort of the same thing going on. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| Go to rogan.ting.com and you can get 25 bucks off of either one of their cell phones or service. | ||
| And like I said, they have top-of-the-line Android phones. | ||
| They're pretty dope-alicious. | ||
| I used mine in Columbus, Ohio. | ||
| It worked everywhere. | ||
| It actually worked better than my AT&T phone, so I was using my... | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| Like I told you, Joey loves Sprint. | ||
| He says Sprint's amazing. | ||
| And I think Sprint is probably commensurate with Verizon as far as the areas that you can use it because it's a CDMA. I think CDMA is a different sort of a signal than GSM. That's why Verizon's so good. | ||
| One of the reasons why it doesn't drop as much is like, That CDMA can go deep into buildings and shit. | ||
| Apparently it's older technology, but it's a little bit stronger. | ||
| And Sprint's the only one that has that one? | ||
| Verizon and Sprint are CDMA, whereas AT&T, T-Mobile, those are GSM. So it's a different kind of setup. | ||
| But GSM is more worldwide. | ||
| You use GSM, you're fine in Europe, all throughout England. | ||
| If you have a Verizon phone and you go over to England, you're fucked. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, you have to get a world phone. | ||
| It won't even work without that? | ||
| No, you have to get a world phone. | ||
| Because if you're running on a CDMA signal, they don't use that old stupid shit. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| It's only Americans that use that. | ||
| I don't understand why it's better, but I do know that on AT&T, you can go online as well as make a phone call. | ||
| I could be talking to you. | ||
| And then I can say, well, let me look it up real quick. | ||
| And I can say, hold on a second. | ||
| And while I'm on the phone with you, I can go on a website or Google. | ||
| I can't do that with Verizon. | ||
| That sucks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The only time you can do that, I think, is with the 4G. Oh, okay. | ||
| I think the 4G is allowed. | ||
| Is that true, Brian? | ||
| Or is it not yet? | ||
| What? | ||
| I'm sorry? | ||
| 4G for Verizon. | ||
| Do they allow you to make phone calls and access the internet? | ||
| No. | ||
| Some of the devices, I think, does on 4G. But only on 4G, right? | ||
| But not the iPhone. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Yeah, the iPhone is always a step behind. | ||
| It was a step behind for the longest time. | ||
| It was 3G before it was 4G. But you used to have to pay something. | ||
| It used to cost if you wanted to get off the iPhone tit. | ||
| Like, I told you I got an old Android. | ||
| Oh, I had that piece of shit for one day. | ||
| And I was like, you've got to be fucking kidding me. | ||
| It was so clunky and shitty. | ||
| Compared to my iPhone. | ||
| It wasn't even a question of whether or not I was going to deal with it. | ||
| It was just like, get the fuck out of here with this. | ||
| I'm like, this thing is dog shit. | ||
| Immediate, huh? | ||
| Oh, it was so bad. | ||
| It was such a piece of shit. | ||
| Yeah, it was terrible. | ||
| It was so bad. | ||
| But the new ones are dope. | ||
| The Galaxy S4 is coming out March 14th. | ||
| Is it? | ||
| And that's supposed to be the next level shit. | ||
| Goddammit. | ||
| Why do we even bother getting an Android device? | ||
| Now there's new ones coming out on both Apple and Android. | ||
| I'm like, oh, I need it. | ||
| No, wait, no, I don't. | ||
| Especially Samsung. | ||
| They don't fuck around, man. | ||
| They keep pumping out badass phones. | ||
| For the first time ever, the Galaxy S3 outsold the iPhone. | ||
| I could not get over the fucking photos on that thing. | ||
| Oh, it's incredible. | ||
| Un-fucking-believable. | ||
| Yeah, they're incredible. | ||
| The new ones are going to have, ready for this, a 13 motherfucking megapixel camera. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And a fucking phone! | ||
| And a phone! | ||
| The front-facing camera is going to be 2 megapixels. | ||
| The rear camera is going to be 13. 13. Jesus! | ||
| So my billing, I'm looking at my billing right now for Ting, and I haven't really used my phone much, but this month I used it a lot. | ||
| My billing's been $14 for one month, $13 for another month, and then this month it's going to be, it looks like, $25. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| That's amazing! | ||
| This month I've used megabytes. | ||
| I've used 250 megabytes. | ||
| Because I'm on Wi-Fi so much that I don't really use it. | ||
| I've seen some bills that have been crippling, man. | ||
| Yeah, you could fuck your life up with a cell phone. | ||
| Oh, you sure can. | ||
| Especially if you don't know your policy and you go over and you get hit with some overages. | ||
| Or travel. | ||
| And you don't really consider adding your international. | ||
| Yeah, international will crush you. | ||
| Go to rogan.ting.com, save yourself 25 bucks. | ||
| Alright, you fucks? | ||
| Also, we're brought to you by Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. We've got a lot of cool shit in place these days. | ||
| Not just the supplements that we've been selling for a while, but we also have steel maces and steel clubs that we're selling. | ||
| We're trying to sell you the most gangster shit available, ladies and gentlemen, including Killer Bee Honey. | ||
| But now we have these steel clubs. | ||
| They're also referred to as club bells. | ||
| I use these all the time. | ||
| They're fucking awesome. | ||
| It's like a giant baseball bat, like a wiffle bat. | ||
| Remember the fat wiffle bat that you would always try to grab because it was way better than a regular wiffle ball bat? | ||
| Those big fat ones. | ||
| That's what these are like, but they're made out of iron. | ||
| And you do all these fucking crazy things called the shield cast with them and all these exercises with it. | ||
| Persian guys do that? | ||
| Yeah, Iranian guys and Indian guys. | ||
| A lot of Indian guys do it. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah, so it's new shit that we started selling at Onnit. | ||
| We have kettlebells now, battle ropes. | ||
| We have an amazing kettlebell workout DVD. It's the Extreme Kettlebell Cardio DVD. If you are going to do that, though, I would really suggest... | ||
| Anybody that's interested in doing kettlebells or any particularly or possibly dangerous exercise, go and learn from a local guy. | ||
| Find a local guy who's a professional instructor in kettlebells. | ||
| It won't take much time. | ||
| He can show you that all the movements are fairly intuitive. | ||
| I'm sure a guy would let you videotape it, and he could give you just some tips to make sure that you don't hurt yourself. | ||
| I'm going through some back issues right now myself. | ||
| Nothing serious. | ||
| I can still kick box at 100%. | ||
| I can still lift weights. | ||
| But I have some disc issues. | ||
| Oh, sure. | ||
| And a lot of that is just going to happen if you do something like Jiu-Jitsu. | ||
| But if you can avoid any kind of injury, You really should. | ||
| Any time you can avoid any kind of injury, you should. | ||
| And the best way to avoid an injury with kettlebells is to use proper form and to learn from an instructor. | ||
| What kettlebells are, if you've never seen them before, it's a circular ball on the bottom, like the bell. | ||
| It's made out of iron and it has a handle. | ||
| It's a thick iron handle. | ||
| What you do with these things is you swing them around and you use your whole body to pick them up. | ||
| It really engages your core and your legs and your arms in really weird functional ways that help you in real life, whether it's in athletics or whether it's in just picking something up, the ability to pick something up and move it around your house. | ||
| You'll have more strength of your whole body. | ||
| I was hanging out with this dude really recently who was a bodybuilder guy, but he had these little toothpick legs. | ||
| It's so crazy, because all he's doing is doing bench press and curls, because it makes you look good. | ||
| But then he's got these toothpicks that are holding all that up, because he's not using his whole body at the same time. | ||
| You see that at every gym, by the way. | ||
| You see that guy who's just like... | ||
| It's so unathletic, and it's so dangerous for your body, because you can break shit like that. | ||
| That's when you blow hamstrings. | ||
| That's when... | ||
| You know, you're designed wrong. | ||
| Absolutely, yeah. | ||
| Putting all that power up in your upper body. | ||
| I know it looks sexy, girls, but you know what? | ||
| You know, the main thing, if you're gonna start with kettlebells, too, is if you seek out that local guy, you're gonna learn technique. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And even if you're already athletic, What was that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Sounds like a door shut. | ||
| Something happened here. | ||
| The feds. | ||
| Did you hear about the first... | ||
| Well, we'll talk about that later. | ||
| Anyway, listen. | ||
| Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. We met the Onnit powerlifter guy this weekend. | ||
| He was a very nice guy. | ||
| It sucks when you talk about back issues. | ||
| You know you're getting old when it doesn't involve comic books. | ||
| That's actually a pretty good joke. | ||
| That's a good joke for nerds. | ||
| Are we about to get rated? | ||
|
unidentified
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Just a big truck. | |
| A big truck. | ||
| Just stop. | ||
| Anyway, go there, check out all the different supplements as well. | ||
| And if you use the code name ROGAN, you will save 10% off any of the supplements. | ||
| All right, go check it out. | ||
| Oh, but listen, if you are, back to the kettlebells, even if you're already athletic, if you get somebody that shows you technically how to do even a small change like, oh, your hips are like this, you should move them here. | ||
| It can really prevent an injury. | ||
| A lot of times, even if you've worked out a lot, it's a thing that you haven't done before and you don't realize it until somebody who knows what they're talking about says do it like this. | ||
| You can fuck yourself up doing any kind of weight lifting, any kind of exercise really. | ||
|
unidentified
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So get yourself in shape, bitch. | |
| Use code name Rogan. | ||
| Save yourself some money. | ||
| Brian Redband, Chew the Music. | ||
| Tom Segur is here. | ||
| We're fixing to be crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
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The Joe Rogan Experience. | |
| Train by day. | ||
| Joe Rogan Podcast by night. | ||
| All day. | ||
| Powerful Tommy Buns. | ||
| Yo. | ||
| Tommy, please tell me about white girls with cornrows. | ||
| They're very dangerous. | ||
|
unidentified
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Ha ha ha ha. | |
| They're very dangerous people. | ||
| That's the name of your latest CD, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why white girls with cornrows? | ||
| I think of them as a very dangerous, often overlooked segment of our society. | ||
| What's dangerous about that? | ||
| I try to clarify, first of all, for people that I don't mean like white girls that just got back from the Bahamas. | ||
| I mean like white girls that live in Baltimore. | ||
|
unidentified
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You know, like serious. | |
| Downtown chicks. | ||
| Baltimore is rough, dude. | ||
| It's real, dude. | ||
| Baltimore is so rough. | ||
| And the D. Holy shit. | ||
| Oh, the D is scary right now. | ||
| I just did three weeks in a row. | ||
| In the D? No, I did Baltimore, then Cleveland. | ||
| Yeah, oh, sorry. | ||
| Baltimore, then Cleveland, and then Detroit. | ||
| Back to back to back. | ||
| I was like, Dude, I'm doing like the recovering cities of America. | ||
| Those are three places I'm not going. | ||
| I did Ann Arbor and I felt like I was in a satellite colony outside of the Death Star. | ||
| I felt like I was hanging out on some colony of white people trying to keep it together while their state implodes around them. | ||
| There is a 47% illiteracy rate in Chicago now. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Detroit right now. | ||
| Detroit's the one that leaves the biggest impact for me when you drive through it. | ||
| Baltimore's funny because Baltimore, they're like, it's all these rows where literally block to block, everything changes when you're in the city. | ||
| So they're like, no, these right here, this is a really good neighborhood. | ||
| These are families. | ||
| Now, you see that next street right there? | ||
| You don't want to fuck around on that street. | ||
| That one right there? | ||
| And they're like, yeah, that's a bad neighborhood. | ||
| You're like, that's your neighborhood, man. | ||
| No, that's a whole different neighborhood right there. | ||
| We saw that in D.C. Oh, yeah. | ||
| I went to D.C. with Ari, and Ari grew up there. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| It's where he first was doing stand-up with the improv there, too. | ||
| When we went down the street, as we're driving, we're in this terrible neighborhood. | ||
| I mean, it's really bad. | ||
| It's just like liquor stores, people hanging out half naked on a corner. | ||
| It was real sketch. | ||
| And then two blocks over, there's Volvos and shiny white people climbing out with their baby carriages. | ||
| And I'm like, whoa, what the fuck is this? | ||
| This is crazy. | ||
| It's like downtown LA. No, it was way more extreme. | ||
| It's way more extreme on the East Coast. | ||
| The East Coast has a completely different sense of integration. | ||
| There's integration in New York City that you just don't get in Los Angeles because nobody walks. | ||
| You live on top of each other. | ||
| Living on top of each other is standard. | ||
| Being on top of each other, being around people of all sorts of races, nationalities, origins, To be around them all the time, like you are in New York, I think it leads people to be more open to the idea of being around people that aren't in their same economic group, to being closer to them. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Whereas in LA, everybody's like, get me the fuck out of this neighborhood. | ||
| You don't want to have a nice place in the hood. | ||
| That is not even the question. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| And LA's really sliced and diced where you know exactly where everything is. | ||
| Totally different. | ||
| That's this neighborhood. | ||
| This is this kind of neighborhood. | ||
| Yeah, it's very obvious. | ||
| There's no integration. | ||
| My friend Moe lives in Bed-Stuy in Brooklyn. | ||
| He's a white guy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I go, why do you live in Bed-Stuy? | ||
| That's where Mike Tyson grew up and talked about how crazy he was. | ||
| He goes, well, you know, they've cleaned it up quite a bit. | ||
| He goes, nobody bothers us. | ||
| And, you know, I would rather live in a place like that and be able to afford an apartment I can move around in and live in a box in the city. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| I guess it's like, that's one of the reasons why a lot of these neighborhoods have gotten better. | ||
| You know, the idea of gentrification, the idea of like, and that's happened over and over again in New York, where they realize, hey, look, we got a bad neighborhood, but it's just a neighborhood that's got a bunch of shitty places. | ||
| If we buy those shitty places and start building nice places, then it's a good neighborhood. | ||
| And then it's worth a lot of fucking money, and it can happen like that. | ||
| It's happened in the east side of LA a lot more. | ||
| Los Feliz, Silver Lake, that area. | ||
| That used to be an area that white people didn't really just fuck around in at all. | ||
| It's like a good artist area. | ||
| Yeah, but I'm saying like 20 years ago, it was much more Latin population, and then now it's like a hipster community sliced and diced with a little bit of the Latinos that were there predominantly. | ||
| When did one bad motherfucker hipster move in? | ||
| I imagine it's the same scenario as your friend. | ||
| I imagine it's the same scenario, I bet. | ||
| Whereas one dude or a couple people were like, oh, we can get this bigger place in this kind of less desirable part of town for really cheap. | ||
| And then over time, that slowly becomes a thing, and then they've populated an area and totally changed it. | ||
| Yeah, it's kind of crazy. | ||
| That'd be crazy if that happened in Bed-Stuy, though. | ||
| It could easily happen because there's so many people spilling over from Manhattan. | ||
| There's so much money. | ||
| It's like a slow creep of money. | ||
| Those prices are insane. | ||
| Oh, it's amazing. | ||
| You look at some of the apartments that are for sale and you're like... | ||
| They're like $4 million and it's like a $1,200 Burbank apartment. | ||
| It's so nuts, man. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| I stayed in an apartment in Midtown that was $4,600 a month. | ||
|
unidentified
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$4,600 a month? | |
| $4,600 a month. | ||
| Oh my God. | ||
| A guy was playing rent. | ||
| Nice two-bedroom. | ||
| Not particularly like, you know, wow, but nice. | ||
| Like where you go, yeah, you have a nice apartment. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Never in your... | ||
| In my mind, was it going to be $4,600? | ||
| That's a crazy mortgage. | ||
| That's a mortgage for a million dollar house? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then when I talk to the guy, I go, don't you think you could get like a million dollar house? | ||
| He was like, yeah, I'm going to do that sometime. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Wow, man. | ||
| Yeah, but people love, the people that love living there, love living there. | ||
| So much. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| My friend Jeff. | ||
| He would never live anywhere else. | ||
| He comes here every now and again. | ||
| He's got a place here. | ||
| He'll come here, but when he's here, he's like, get me back. | ||
| And when he gets back, he's like, this is where I love it. | ||
| I love it here. | ||
| He loves the city. | ||
| He loves being in there. | ||
| I can see how you fall in love with that city, though. | ||
| A lot of people love it, man. | ||
| A lot of people love it. | ||
| For a lot of people, it's like that idea of having everybody packed in together, they feel happy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, there really is something always going on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And I don't mean just like an activity or party. | ||
| Just standing on a corner, the street feels alive. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's just always action. | ||
| It's actually, people are remarkably cool in New York when you consider how big that city is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, they're remarkably cool. | ||
| Like, people talk about how people are rude, and the East Coast is like, they're not that rude. | ||
| They're not that rude. | ||
| I think New Yorkers are particularly friendly, actually. | ||
|
unidentified
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Pretty friendly. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, they're a little less tolerant of idiots, but I think that the intelligence level, the average intelligence level of people in the city, is like a little higher. | ||
| I totally buy that. | ||
| It's higher than Los Angeles. | ||
| The odds of you meeting a guy, not knowing him very well, and having a good conversation with him. | ||
| Say if you're in a waiting room, and you strike up a conversation, and it being a really interesting conversation, the odds are way better in New York than they are in L.A. Great, great observation and a thousand percent agree. | ||
| And not only that, I feel like LA has a way higher sketch ball factor. | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Where you're like, look at this fucking guy. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| These total hoes artists. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look at a roofie some chick. | ||
| Just way high bullshit fucking meters off the chain here that you kind of go like, nah-uh. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And actually in New York, you see some guy who might be like eccentric, kind of weird as shit looking, but then he's like a super intelligent guy that you can have a great conversation with. | ||
| Yeah, it's super possible. | ||
| And I mean, not that you would really use it if you were there, but you have access if you're in New York to all those museums. | ||
| Just that alone. | ||
| Having all that stuff right there. | ||
| I mean, you're dealing with... | ||
| There's so many great museums. | ||
| And there's so much cool shit to see. | ||
| And there's Neil Tyson's place. | ||
| What is that astronomy place, Brian? | ||
| That huge place that he's... | ||
| The one at Griffith Park? | ||
| Is it Griffith? | ||
| No, he doesn't do the Griffith Park Observatory. | ||
| That's out here. | ||
| He does something in New York City. | ||
| I was watching part of that podcast you did with him. | ||
| He's awesome. | ||
| You know what's really fun to watch is somebody who's just vocabulary is, you know, they're so articulate that you go, it's actually fun to listen to them speak because they speak so richly and so clearly. | ||
| I was like listening to him speak and then missing what he was saying. | ||
| He kind of hypnotizes you in a way. | ||
| He has a beautiful voice. | ||
| He's a beautiful man, let's be honest. | ||
| He is a beautiful man. | ||
| But there's something to be said about the tonal quality of someone's voice and their ability to understand what they sound like. | ||
| And a lot of people don't know that. | ||
| A lot of people who are super obnoxious and come off really fucking bad, one of the reasons why they come off bad It's like they're not registering that their intent is not being accurately displayed by the way they're communicating. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's sounds that people don't like hearing. | ||
| There's a sharpness that's not necessary. | ||
| It leads to misunderstandings a lot with what you're saying. | ||
| Oh, yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Well, what he does so well is he knows how... | ||
| First of all, he's got a beautiful voice. | ||
| He knows how to use the voice. | ||
| He's got an immense vocabulary. | ||
| He's got an immense amount of knowledge when it comes to the cosmos. | ||
| And most of the stuff he's saying, you've never heard it before. | ||
| But he knows it intimately, and he's super passionate about it. | ||
| So it's got this sense of theater to it, but it's also insane information. | ||
| He was telling us information about the actual possible size of the universe, and it just makes you want to just not say anything for like 10 minutes and just go, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| Yeah, those guys are so important because... | ||
| Science so often is dry to kids. | ||
| Like, a lot of kids think that science is like, you know, the idea of studying stars. | ||
| It seems like dull, and this is Sirius 5, this is, this is, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh. | ||
| The orbiter went around the thing. | ||
| They don't have this, like, engaging, like, contagious passion that he has. | ||
| And when kids hear him talk, they get super pumped up about it, as they should. | ||
| Imagine if he were your teacher in school in fourth grade. | ||
| I would have probably never been a comedian. | ||
| Yeah, I know. | ||
| I would have probably tried to be a scientist or something. | ||
| I would have tried to be an astronomer. | ||
| If a guy like that was my teacher, he would have been my hero. | ||
| The average fucking kid... | ||
| It's like constantly searching for someone that represents who they'd like to be when they get older. | ||
| Because if you're around, even if you love your dad, you're around your dad all the time, most likely your dad's a knucklehead. | ||
| Your dad was born in 1940-whatever. | ||
| They're fucking idiots from a different time. | ||
| And so then you go to school, and who are you dealing with at school? | ||
| A bunch of people don't really want that job. | ||
| They just can't do anything else. | ||
| Most of them are really miserable in their personal life. | ||
| And if you knew them today as a grown adult, you'd think they were fools. | ||
| But back then, they're the figures of authority. | ||
| So it puts this sort of helpless feeling to you. | ||
| Because you know they're tools. | ||
| You know they're tools, and you know they're teaching you, and you know that this is nonsense. | ||
| They're not into this at all, and they don't want to be here. | ||
| And that's the majority of the teaching experiences that I had of being taught and being in class. | ||
| Absolutely, yeah. | ||
| There was a few standout guys. | ||
| There was a guy named Greg who was a Spanish teacher. | ||
| He was really cool. | ||
| But Greg wound up banging a 17-year-old. | ||
| Holla! | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't know if it was legal or not. | ||
| I remember Mr. Kinner's breath. | ||
| That's what stands out to me in fifth grade. | ||
| If you had Neil Tyson for a professor, you'd be a fucking scientist. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| You're trying to do something in that world for sure. | ||
| That world, man. | ||
| When those guys landed the rover on Mars and started screaming and cheering when the pictures started coming back, you realize how exciting that must have been for them. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Because the idea that they were embracing was so crazy and extreme. | ||
| And you had so many detractors. | ||
| You had people you would say that to, and they're like, are you fucking stupid? | ||
| Smart people would say that to you. | ||
| They're talking about sending people to Mars. | ||
| And they're talking about... | ||
| There's even a new... | ||
| thing about whether or not they should send couples because They probably won't ever be able to come back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| Now imagine for a second, if they pulled that off, what our reaction would be watching that. | ||
| If they landed and they were like, we're on Mars, it's fucking awesome here, you guys. | ||
| We would be like, oh my god! | ||
| What if they came back, it sucks! | ||
| Rescue us! | ||
| And it takes six months to get there. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| What if they didn't know, but that there's a constant, wah, wah, wah! | ||
| In the background of Mars. | ||
| Nobody recorded any sound. | ||
| They don't realize it until they open the hatch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're like, the planet makes a sound! | |
| Shit! | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| Come pick you up, it's gonna be a while. | ||
| Or just smell like pussy in the whole place. | ||
| They smell like rock. | ||
| Like dead rats. | ||
| They can't pick you up at all. | ||
| They can't get you. | ||
| They can send more people to hug you and give you earplugs. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| But they can't send you back. | ||
| The first trips they believe with people are going to be one-way trips. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| But how would you drop them? | ||
| What would you leave them with? | ||
| With enough to live with what? | ||
| You've got to get one of them Boy Scout knives that have a bunch of different things. | ||
| It's a spoon and a magnifying glass. | ||
| I think you guys can make it three weeks. | ||
| And they're like, what? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Three weeks? | |
| Oh, man. | ||
| Fuck that. | ||
| It can't be cool enough. | ||
| There's no way. | ||
| I mean, the idea of being the first person on Mars, I'm sure, is going to be appealing to a lot of people. | ||
| But not to me, man. | ||
| To me, I'd be like, listen, I'm not living in some fucking movie, okay? | ||
| I'm not going to be the first guy on Mars. | ||
| Bitch, are you crazy? | ||
| Do you know how bad Mars could suck? | ||
| Do you want to live in Antarctica? | ||
| I don't want to live in Antarctica. | ||
| But live in Antarctica? | ||
| I mean, you might as well be living in Antarctica if you're living on fucking Mars. | ||
| You might as well. | ||
| Yeah, that's not desirable. | ||
| At least, man. | ||
| Because I'm pretty sure you're going to have to wear a mask everywhere you go. | ||
| You're going to have to take oxygen in. | ||
| Or they're going to have to put a dome over that bitch. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| And do you realize how unpredictable the entire thing from the get? | ||
| They're like, we thought it was going to be like this. | ||
| They're going to be like, yeah, it's not really sand. | ||
| It's rocks. | ||
| They hurt. | ||
| Everything that you thought, it could be way, way off, man. | ||
| Not only that, I bet Mars gets more fucking asteroids. | ||
| I bet they get more impacts. | ||
| Because Mars is... | ||
| I hope I'm not wrong about this, but as it's been explained to me, there's something called Bode's Law. | ||
| And Bode's Law represents... | ||
| It's a way of measuring by gravity and mass when you get a series of planets. | ||
| When you measure the mass of one, you can accurately predict how far away the next planet should be. | ||
| And apparently the asteroid belt... | ||
| Between Mars and Jupiter is the only thing wrong with Bode's Law in this solar system. | ||
| As explained to me. | ||
| I might be wrong. | ||
| But that there's so many asteroids close to Mars and Jupiter that most likely the idea is that either that's leftover shit from the formation of the galaxy or it could be leftover from an impact. | ||
| Like Earth 1 and Earth 2. Earth at one point in time was hit by another planet. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Yeah, that's like the mainstream acceptance of how the moon was created and just the evolution of the Earth itself. | ||
| At one point in time we were actually hit by a planet. | ||
| Can you imagine how? | ||
| Dude! | ||
| Hit by a planet. | ||
| We got hit by a planet. | ||
| So we basically became an enormous ball of lava for like who knows how long before everything cooled off. | ||
| Who knows how many thousands of fucking years everything burned after you get hit by a planet. | ||
| A giant chunk of us came flying off and became the moon. | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| The whole idea of it all, it seems... | ||
| It's too fantastic. | ||
| You can't buy a planet! | ||
| Well, you know what's just as fantastic? | ||
| It is a planet floating above us every day. | ||
| Every day, we go outside, and in broad daylight, you can see the moon in California. | ||
| I know you poor folks in Columbus get cloudy skies all throughout the winter. | ||
| Cincinnati was the same way this weekend. | ||
| But you come back to LA, you can see the moon in the middle of the day. | ||
| You see it fat and juicy, just sitting up in the sky. | ||
| It looks all beautiful in the blue sky. | ||
| It's a floating planet, and you're looking at it with your eyes. | ||
| And it's a quarter of the size of the Earth, and it's right there. | ||
| It's floating! | ||
| In the air above you. | ||
| Like, that might be the nuttiest shit you ever get to look at. | ||
| And you're just like, oh, whatever. | ||
| I'm waiting for a UFO. The UFO ain't nearly as crazy as the fact that there's a fucking planet floating in the air. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can see it. | ||
| You just got me excited about the moon, for real. | ||
| It's huge! | ||
| You're like a teacher. | ||
| You're like that guy. | ||
| The moon is enormous, man. | ||
| The moon is really big for a moon. | ||
| We take it for granted how cool it is that you can see it. | ||
| Well, you see the same side, too. | ||
| It doesn't even spin. | ||
| It rotates around us. | ||
| The moon is a trip, man. | ||
| The moon is a trip in so many ways because they say that if a moon wasn't as big as it is, our gravity or our atmosphere wouldn't be as stable. | ||
| Like, our orbit wouldn't be as stable. | ||
| And what stabilizes us is we have this massive object sitting there with us. | ||
| Yeah, that's crazy. | ||
| It's nuts! | ||
| Like, in order literally to have this kind of life, and people are like, wow, there would be no life. | ||
| No, it just wouldn't be this kind of life. | ||
| Life figures shit out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
For sure. | |
| Life figures shit out, you know? | ||
| I'm just amazed that no one's ever figured shit out in the ocean. | ||
| There's so much of it, man. | ||
| It's so big. | ||
| But life never figured shit out in the ocean. | ||
| Smart life in the ocean still lives like a fish. | ||
| Could you imagine if we were running around on Earth claiming to be super smart, but we're still running around killing things with our face? | ||
| We would say, how are we any better than regular monkeys? | ||
| We're not. | ||
| Oh, we are because we have a language. | ||
| Those poor dolphins, those poor fucks and killer whales, they're living like regular fish. | ||
| They don't have condos. | ||
| They don't have cars. | ||
| They don't have TVs. | ||
| And everybody's like, oh, they're just as smart as people. | ||
| The fuck they are. | ||
| The fuck they are. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| They're not creating anything. | ||
| They can just make noise with their face and catch fish. | ||
| They're just bigger fish. | ||
| Yeah, they're animals. | ||
| They take in the air through a hole. | ||
| But basically, they live like a fish. | ||
| There's not much difference between a killer whale and a tuna. | ||
| You know, as far as, like, how they're forced to live, you gotta go get yours. | ||
| There's no supermarket. | ||
| I know. | ||
| There's no credit cards. | ||
| They live like savages. | ||
| They live together. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, they are. | |
| They're just like the bottom feeding fish, really. | ||
| Yeah, they're ridiculous. | ||
| They're scrubs, man. | ||
| Scrubs of the universe. | ||
| Killer whale scrubs. | ||
| Imagine if there really was intelligent life and something figured out. | ||
| I mean, it doesn't seem... | ||
| It seems to me that if a monkey can figure out how to be conscious and how to be intelligent here, That a fish should figure out how to be conscious and intelligent down there and develop a way to get up to the air world and wear a big water mask and come and visit us. | ||
| They totally should, but I think it doesn't happen because there'd be just too much conflict when we start talking when they try to open land parks. | ||
| Apparently you haven't seen Creature from the Black Lagoon. | ||
| I have not. | ||
| Is this what happens? | ||
| You ever see that? | ||
| You ever see that movie? | ||
| I watched that movie recently. | ||
| Fish learn to read? | ||
| Oh, it's so dope. | ||
| It's a fish man. | ||
| A monster fish man. | ||
| Pull it up, Brian. | ||
| We're reading now. | ||
| Creature from the Black Lagoon. | ||
| It's like a 1950s movie. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I think. | ||
| Let me see. | ||
| Creature from the Black Lagoon. | ||
| I'm going to guess. | ||
| I'm going to guess. | ||
| I'm going to go with 1961. But I'm probably off. | ||
| 1951. Is it 51? | ||
| No, that's on my stuff. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| It's 1954. Really? | ||
| Wow. | ||
| It's, uh, wow. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Yeah, so it's 1950s. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I, um, remember this when I was a kid. | ||
| He was, like, one of my favorite monsters, man. | ||
| Creature from the Black. | ||
| Oh, it was awesome. | ||
| It only got a 6.9. | ||
| On the IMDB. What a bunch of cunts. | ||
| I remember that was one of those movies... | ||
| Is it a 10 out of 10 for you? | ||
| Yeah! | ||
| It's fucking amazing! | ||
| If you're talking about old, cool horror movies, it's amazing! | ||
| It's a 10! | ||
| That was one of those movies they played in the 80s with the 3D glasses where you would go to the grocery store and get those glasses and then the red and blue glasses and they made it 3D. Oh, they made the movie 3D? They changed it and made it 3D? Dude, pull some of that up. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| The creature from the Black Lagoon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Yeah, there's no explanation. | ||
| That's just where he lived. | ||
| Where did he come from? | ||
| Did he interact with people? | ||
| He's unknown by science. | ||
| To haunt them? | ||
| Oh, yeah, he kidnapped bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah, he snatched bitches up, took them back to his cave. | ||
| He's trying to make a more person-person thing. | ||
| I got you. | ||
| I knew it would be a person hybrid. | ||
| Like, he's a person-fish hybrid. | ||
| He's like, I gotta take this shit to the next generation. | ||
| And it's just me as a hybrid. | ||
| Fuck some white bitch. | ||
| He definitely looks like a child made him in the image that I saw. | ||
| Well, back then, man, for 54, that's an amazing outfit, you know? | ||
| Yeah, he's got some pretty eccentric gear. | ||
| Those guys had a struggle, you know? | ||
| It was hard to do special effects in the 1950s, you know? | ||
| Do you ever see, like, even stuff now that you see from the 80s, you're like, oh my god, this is embarrassing. | ||
| Is that the, uh, yeah, it is. | ||
| Out of the murk and mystery of a hundred million years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Punnets. | |
| Up from the depths of unknown waters comes a creature to confound science and terrorize the world. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| These are awesome. | ||
| Look at those claws. | ||
| Yeah, he's got webbed fingers and claws and shit. | ||
| Creature from the Black Lagoon. | ||
| And it's all black and white and awesome. | ||
| Shocking. | ||
| Shocking. | ||
| In the stark realism. | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| When you make that cling. | ||
| A perfected three dimension. | ||
| It was black and white, but it was 3D. Isn't that fascinating? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look how weak that dude looks. | ||
| Dudes back then didn't know nothing about bench pressing. | ||
| That dude didn't know nothing about kettlebells. | ||
| He had no shroom tech sport in his life. | ||
| Any creatine going through his system. | ||
| Those dudes did no deadlifts. | ||
| Absolutely no. | ||
| They're like the leading men back there. | ||
| Like a joke with their shirts off. | ||
| Ain't you ever done a hack squat? | ||
| You compare them to like The Rock. | ||
| Yeah, I know, right? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Hot and never worked out a day in her life. | ||
| With a billion eggs inside of her. | ||
| You come anywhere near her. | ||
| Her eggs leap down, grab the sperm, and crawl back in. | ||
| Yeah, all the guys back then were... | ||
| They almost looked like they were all gay. | ||
| Maybe they were, because they were all like, you know... | ||
| They all had body hair, which dudes all shave today. | ||
| It's really interesting when you just see what happened groom-wise. | ||
| Wow, they give away a lot in this movie. | ||
| The guy that gets lit on fire and falls in the water. | ||
| Look at that dude, all studded his shirt off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, he just jumps in the water with bitches. | |
| Took Rada out. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Deep, deep, deep. | ||
| This is awesome. | ||
| Into the waters of his domain. | ||
| Where a man may follow. | ||
| He just drowned a bitch. | ||
| Yeah, I guess he's like drowning her. | ||
| I don't know what's happening. | ||
| They're in the middle of a gator roll there. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| Three dimension. | ||
| Creature from the Black Lagoon. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Isn't it a fascinating thing when you can go back in time like that and see something and see what media looked like in 1954? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| I know. | ||
| And then that you know that people would see certain things and be so captivated by it. | ||
| We would fucking love that movie, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| If we lived in 1954, well, actually, would we as adults? | ||
| Would we be so psyched? | ||
| I think so, because you had never seen shit like that. | ||
| You might even be more impressed. | ||
| Like, what the fuck? | ||
| How did they do this? | ||
| But I was thinking, like, who goes to see those movies? | ||
| Would it be kids? | ||
| Because in 1954, guys our age were almost dead. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| Get to your late 30s? | ||
| Like, who are you? | ||
| You're not even alive. | ||
| You're a dead man. | ||
| But they're also more, like, scared of... | ||
| The unknown. | ||
| Of the unknown. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But I think that would be a thing where they'd be like, you don't want to bring a kid to something like this. | ||
| This is an adults-only kind of film. | ||
| This is rated R. He abducts this white woman and takes her to the bottom of the ocean. | ||
| He's scary. | ||
| He's real scary. | ||
| You don't take a white bitch into the bottom of the ocean unless you're looking to either kill her or fuck her. | ||
| Yeah, he's probably doing both. | ||
| You're probably going to kill her unless you can come really quick because she's going to drown. | ||
| It's rude. | ||
| Yeah, there's definitely a lot of stuff you don't want to see in this film. | ||
| 1954, the audience wasn't ready. | ||
| Did you know the creature was modeled after the Oscar? | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, they figured with a fucking plot like this, they're a shoo-in. | ||
| How could we go wrong? | ||
| Guys, we're dealing with a gill man. | ||
| He's a monster that kidnaps and then fucks. | ||
| We got hot white bitches that he kidnaps. | ||
| This movie's gonna be big! | ||
| In the water, he drowns them, he rapes them, and then he leaves them back at the surface. | ||
| It's in real black and white. | ||
| 3D. It's gonna be amazing. | ||
| 3D black and white. | ||
| That's gonna be amazing. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| There's no better piece of evidence about how our society has changed, I think, than watching our old shows and movies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, try to watch Father Knows Best. | ||
| It's beautiful. | ||
| It's like you're watching a comedy. | ||
| You watch Father Knows Best and it's so awkward and clunky and fake and not in any way resembling how human beings really behave that it becomes a comedy. | ||
| You may guess it was supposed to be a comedy back then. | ||
| But it wasn't... | ||
| Was it? | ||
| It was a drama comedy? | ||
| What would you call it? | ||
| It was like a comedy, right? | ||
| I guess, yeah. | ||
| But it's funny for being sucky. | ||
| It's funny for being really stupid. | ||
| Well, Father Knows Best, sitting there with this fucking stupid pipe. | ||
| The whole thing is so weird. | ||
| Oh, it's crazy. | ||
| It's surreal. | ||
| See if you can pull up a Father Knows Best clip. | ||
| You know what's also really bad that makes you think about what were we thinking when we saw this and were people impressed are music videos. | ||
| If you watch old music videos, you're like, holy shit. | ||
| Shit, this is terrible. | ||
| But at the time, you know that they're like, did you see this guy? | ||
| He can make his face freeze on the screen and then they'll leave it there for a minute and a half while some other shit goes on behind it. | ||
| And that was like, they were showing off the technology when they made those. | ||
| They weren't even like making it. | ||
| They were like, just look at the buttons we got with this new software. | ||
| Like the videos were just bad new special effects. | ||
| Here's something Black Eyes never said. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey man, you check out that Kajagoogoo video? | |
| No one's ever said it. | ||
| I've never heard a brother say that, ever. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, some of those old videos were fucking preposterous. | |
| Terrible. | ||
| You know what I heard the other day that I haven't heard in a long time that really brought me back? | ||
| That I want candy song. | ||
| I want candy. | ||
| Remember that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Remember that really hot bitch? | |
| What are you laughing about? | ||
| Where did you hear that at? | ||
| Were you at like a strip club? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It was at a... | ||
| A strip and nails concert? | ||
| That's a girl song. | ||
| Girl singing about a boy. | ||
| I think I was at a restaurant and it was playing in the background. | ||
| It was like a pizza place or something. | ||
| It was like, whoa. | ||
| Did it immediately put you in a good mood? | ||
| Well, I just always... | ||
| The girl was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Did you? | |
| Brian, did you have that sound? | ||
| Don't do that, stupid. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| This is terrible. | ||
| Shut it up. | ||
| It's so bad. | ||
| Breaking my brain. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It is so goddamn bad. | |
| God. | ||
| But you know what's almost just as bad? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Yes, Deer. | ||
| You ever see that sitcom, Yes, Deer? | ||
| Might as well be the same fucking show. | ||
| There's a lot of sitcoms that are on even currently that are like, holy shit. | ||
| They've been showing a Yes, Deer marathon on Nickelodeon. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's un-fucking-believable how bad that show was. | ||
| It's madness. | ||
| Like you're watching madness. | ||
| I always wondered why Anthony Clark blew a fuse. | ||
| Like, what happened? | ||
| I bet it was just working on that shitty show over and over and over again. | ||
| I've seen those goddamn scripts every week. | ||
| Everybody's like, oh, poor baby. | ||
| I've been working at the same plant. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| There's something extra bad about being a comedian and being on an unfunny show. | ||
| Just knowing how bad it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's something extra bad. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That fucking show. | ||
| I was watching All in the Family the other day, and that is the best show. | ||
| So good. | ||
| Do you remember how racist he was? | ||
| Look at this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no! | |
| While the astronomers are thinking it over. | ||
| You and Henry are trying to find somebody else to buy the house. | ||
| You don't call that crooked? | ||
| No! | ||
| That's looking out by number one. | ||
| Where does that place Henry Jefferson? | ||
| He's number two. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why is he number two? | |
| Because, meathead, there can only be one number one and one number two. | ||
| And life made Jefferson number two long before I come along. | ||
| So I suppose that the Puerto Ricans are number three, then? | ||
| Well, no, not necessarily there, little girl. | ||
| Your Puerto Ricans could be four. | ||
| Your chops and your chains could be three. | ||
| 3A, 3B. That was a great show. | ||
| He couldn't make that show now. | ||
| I need to get that show on DVD. That's how good it is. | ||
| Yeah, I wonder if they even censored the DVDs because he dropped n-bombs, he called everyone jinxing it. | ||
| We've become a bunch of pussies. | ||
| We've become super duper sensitive pussies. | ||
| A lot of people apologizing for a lot of shit. | ||
| Because of that, you lose out on comedy. | ||
| Because you can't tell me those guys don't still exist. | ||
| You can't tell me that racism doesn't still exist. | ||
| It absolutely does. | ||
| But I think racism in the context of a show like All in the Family, the way he's raised, I think it helps people. | ||
| I think it helps people relate to how he's such a moron. | ||
| It makes you realize he's a fucking idiot. | ||
| It makes you relate to how everybody else sees him. | ||
| It's probably good for the culture to be realistic about a guy like that. | ||
| And you even see in that character, because it's so deep, Yeah. | ||
| still have a soft spot in a way for this guy who has a detestable aspect to his personality. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And they also did – I mean, Carol O'Connor, is that who it was? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did an amazing job of playing him. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Amazing job because he was a guy that clearly loved his children. | ||
| He wasn't a terrible person. | ||
| You know, he was tolerant, even with Meathead living with him. | ||
| He never got violent or anything like that. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You could think about how a lot of fathers would have been way more horrific. | ||
| But it was like, he also was a buffoon. | ||
| And that buffoonery, sort of, you go, oh, that's why he's racist. | ||
| The same reason why he's the butt of all these jokes, because he's a buffoon. | ||
| And... | ||
| I think that's a good thing. | ||
| I don't think that's a bad thing at all, but you're right. | ||
| You could never have that today. | ||
| The thing is when you cut, you don't want a character. | ||
| They would censor a character like that today. | ||
| You're doing a disservice to just your own honesty about people because you're not acknowledging that, like you said, that person's out there. | ||
| Yeah, it's like how come you can acknowledge that murderers are out there? | ||
| How can you acknowledge every week on CSI that there's a crazy fucking serial killer chopping up hookers? | ||
| You can do that every week, and nobody has a problem with it. | ||
| But if they had one character on TV that was a racist white guy that was talking shit about the chinks and the spics, you'd be like, what the fuck? | ||
| Everybody would protest. | ||
| People would say they were going to boycott their internet marketing campaigns to stop the hate. | ||
| And when is comedy too far? | ||
| Well, you know, now, did you see on the Super Bowl, the commercial, that people, they didn't want it run because of the white guy doing the Jamaican accent? | ||
| Like, that was the gag. | ||
| They sent out a press release about how offensive it was, and it was a car commercial where the guy in Minnesota, a white guy, is doing a bad, or not even bad, I think it's pretty decent, Jamaican accent. | ||
| Throughout the commercial. | ||
| It's so crazy that they wanted an apology. | ||
| And then you have on another end of that, what is it, JCPenney is trying to get, or Sears has Ellen DeGeneres as a spokeswoman. | ||
| And then there's protesters that are like, we don't want, you just lost a dollar for hiring her. | ||
| They should say good. | ||
| We don't want your fucking dollar. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| And they would get more people supporting them. | ||
| Whatever they're going to lose from those people, they're not going to get back unless they stand up for it. | ||
| Yeah, and then... | ||
| Talk about how fucking stupid this is. | ||
| What are you watching, Brian? | ||
| That's the commercial he was just talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, look how... | |
| This is what these people wanted, and this commercial pulled. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wicked coffee, Mr. Jim. | |
| Julia. | ||
| Turn the frown the other way around. | ||
| Hey, Dave, you're from Minnesota, right? | ||
| Yes, I. The land of 10,000 lakes. | ||
| The Gopher State. | ||
| So in conclusion, things are pretty dismal. | ||
| You know what this room needs? | ||
| A smile. | ||
| Who wanna come with I? Hey, it's my car. | ||
| What? | ||
| For real? | ||
| What? | ||
| Did they really, for real, they pulled that? | ||
| No, they did not. | ||
| They wanted to. | ||
| A group brought, they were like, this is the racist, awful, prejudice commercial, and you need to pull this shit down. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| So what was the name of the group that wanted to pull it? | ||
| If you did a Google search for it, the Super Bowl Jamaican-Minnesotan commercial, you'll see. | ||
| It was a whole thing. | ||
| And then And then everybody was anticipating, because that news story came out before the Super Bowl, like, wait till you see this shit. | ||
| Like, it's protest-worthy. | ||
| It's so crazy. | ||
| And then that aired, and you're like, yeah, that's what we're offended by now? | ||
| People are so silly. | ||
| Meanwhile, they were really clever in how they did that, where everything the guy says is very positive. | ||
| It's not like, you know, doing a Jamaican accent, but just like banging a bunch of bitches, sleeping in a closet, stealing oranges or something. | ||
| He was like trying to make everybody smile. | ||
| I'm a Jamaican pot-smoking rapist, you guys. | ||
| Alright, enough with that. | ||
| People are so fucking sensitive. | ||
| They're so stupid. | ||
| Someone wrote some blog about, what's his face that did the Oscars? | ||
| Seth and Carlin? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Apparently he said something about nobody can understand Salma Hayek, but no one cares because she's so hot. | ||
| It's kind of funny. | ||
| It's not offensive. | ||
| And this fucking chick wrote this article where it was like, so what you're basically saying is that her opinion is invalid. | ||
| It doesn't matter if she's communicating because you find her attractive and you can't understand it because she's Hispanic. | ||
| Like, what? | ||
| It's a comedy joke. | ||
| It's a joke, you fuckhead. | ||
| You goddamn super sensitive shit fuck. | ||
| It's the worst. | ||
| That is ruining the fun and it's ruining life. | ||
| It's going to ruin communication between people, is that type of reaction. | ||
| Did you see with ESPN, they issued an apology on behalf of Brent Musburger for the national championship game when he commented on AJ McCarron's girlfriend? | ||
| Yes! | ||
| And you watched him and you're like, you want him to apologize for that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What did he say? | |
| He said she was pretty. | ||
| Beautiful woman, you starting quarterbacks get all the beautiful ones, and then I bet there's a lot of young boys out there in Alabama right now that just started throwing the ball around, just warming their arm up, getting ready, you know. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What's wrong with that? | ||
| I mean, the implication is that she is only with him because he's who he is and that he only sees in her her beauty because that's all Brent Musburger talked about was how beautiful she was. | ||
| She's not just a piece of meat. | ||
| And people wrote articles and had their opinions about how unbelievably offended they were that Brent Musburger was like, wow, what a beautiful woman to this audience. | ||
| Obviously gorgeous woman that is standing there that anybody's reaction would be, wow, what a beautiful woman she is. | ||
| Not like, wow, I wonder what her thoughts are right now. | ||
| It's so hilarious. | ||
| People are so silly. | ||
| And the real problem is that other people are listening to them. | ||
| That's the real problem. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| The real problem is that they can protest and they don't get mocked the way they would in your house, the way they would in your neighborhood, the way they would in a normal, healthy community. | ||
| If someone brought that up, people would be like, come on, get the fuck out of here, you crazy asshole. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But because of the fact that they know that they can... | ||
| Could you imagine if someone in your neighborhood was a guy and he had a beautiful wife and you knew that he was a football player and so you're all sitting around and you're like, somewhere guys are warming their arms up looking at her. | ||
| Can I get me one of those? | ||
| You'd laugh at that guy. | ||
| Of course! | ||
| He's silly. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| But... | ||
| People are actually genuinely pretending to be upset. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You can't be actually upset. | ||
| You're upset at the world if you're upset at that. | ||
| You're not really upset. | ||
| Because you're really focusing on something that is even less than important. | ||
| It doesn't even belong in that Like, circle of conversation. | ||
| This is not an issue. | ||
| You're wasting your time, and we all know it. | ||
| That's why we get upset by that. | ||
| We know that you're wasting everybody's time to ask for apologies for something that you might interpret coming out. | ||
| Like, that's not even a direct statement, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's a weird thing that's going on where we've been around for so long. | ||
| And comedy and offensive comedy has been around for so long. | ||
| But there's this new thing, this righteous indignation that people are claiming now more than ever, where they're pretending that there's not a joking context to a lot of this stuff. | ||
| That joking context doesn't even exist. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Joking context doesn't exist, and they'll take a joke as a statement. | ||
| Did you know that he said he would like to see the queen getting eaten out by a hot 20-year-old? | ||
| Because I said that once. | ||
| I was talking about the queen. | ||
| I was like, you know, she's probably a nice old lady. | ||
| Wouldn't it be great if she was a lesbian? | ||
| I mean, wouldn't that be like... | ||
| Because if you made the... | ||
| Now, if someone just looked at that, oh, Joe Rogan was hoping the queen could get eaten out by a hot 20-year-old, you'd put that on the paper in England. | ||
| They would go crazy. | ||
| They'd be like, what are you saying? | ||
| Like, obviously, I don't really mean that. | ||
| These are jokes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| To cut out that aspect of communication is to pretend. | ||
| It's like you're playing dumb. | ||
| You might not think it's funny, but you know the difference between someone joking around and a very casual joke around, by the way, about a girl being attractive and guys are warming up their arms, throwing the ball around because they'd like to have an attractive girlfriend. | ||
| Are we pretending that we don't like attractive people? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| What are we mad at? | ||
| And we're also pretending that if If you're factoring in an attractive person's attraction level, then that is cheap and short-sighted of you. | ||
| What about the other factors about this person? | ||
| But you're like, well, why are we going to pretend like their level of attraction isn't a factor? | ||
| It's a real factor. | ||
| It's going to determine a lot of things in that person's life. | ||
| And we're going to just ignore that because they're attractive? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Come on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So stupid. | |
| So fucking dumb. | ||
| Just like ugly people don't have it good, you know? | ||
| We can talk about that. | ||
| It's real. | ||
| It's fucking real. | ||
| It's a shit roll of the dice. | ||
| You all know it, goddammit. | ||
| Have you seen Trent Reznor's wife? | ||
| I just found out about her. | ||
| Look at her. | ||
| She is the most... | ||
| I found out about her music, and then I was like, I need to find out who this is. | ||
| I need to stalk her. | ||
| Alright, stalker boy. | ||
| Yeah, I need to stalk her. | ||
| And then I found out it was Trent Reznor's wife. | ||
| But her music is like Pink Floyd mixed with electronic music. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| What's her name? | ||
| Her band's called How to Destroy Angels. | ||
| They have a new CD that just came out today. | ||
| That sounds like an angry bitch. | ||
| And then I tweeted it. | ||
| I tweeted how much I like it. | ||
| And then all these people are like, oh, she's the new Yoko Ono. | ||
| She fucking killed nine snails. | ||
| Stupid people. | ||
| Oh, well. | ||
| Oh, well. | ||
| This woman who wrote this article, I kind of agree with some of the things she's saying, though. | ||
| Her name is, this is the one who's complaining about comedy does not win a free pass, is the name of the article, saying Seth MacFarlane at the Oscars. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Some of what she's saying, I agree with. | ||
| She's sick of people saying things that are racist and sexist, and that someone saying it's just comedy somehow gives you a free pass. | ||
| It doesn't give you a free pass. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| I agree with that. | ||
| But you know what does give you a free pass? | ||
| If it's funny? | ||
| If it's funny. | ||
| That's what she's missing. | ||
| If someone says something fucked up and racist but hilarious, you can say that. | ||
| You can say it. | ||
| You can say it as long as I know that you're just joking. | ||
| And there's certain shit you'll do. | ||
| You'll crack this fucked up half smile and you'll say something and I know you're bullshitting. | ||
| You're doing a joke to me. | ||
| And I know you're doing a joke and I'll laugh my ass off. | ||
| Because I know you really don't mean this mean thing that you're saying, but you'll say it joking. | ||
| You'll say it with that smile. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| It's a fun thing to do. | ||
| And it's not reality. | ||
| It's not like a statement on things. | ||
| The idea that joking doesn't exist, or the idea that something that is fucking hilarious shouldn't be said because it's also racist or it's also sexist, is so silly. | ||
| I mean, can I tell you, too, that I feel like there basically are two groups as far as who gets your point, what you're saying, and then who gets upset by it. | ||
| And it's almost, almost split down the line of intelligent and not so intelligent. | ||
| Whereas intelligent people, I feel like, get what you get. | ||
| Joking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| They get joking around. | ||
| And that people who are a little bit, you know, I'm not breaking it down to like an IQ level, but they're like, do you not get this? | ||
| Right now? | ||
| I agree with you to a certain extent, but I also think that there's one other segment that you have to address, and that is unhappy people. | ||
| That's very true. | ||
| There's a lot of smart people that are fucking miserable, and they want to complain about anything they can. | ||
| And anytime they think they have the red light or the green light to go, they will just go write the cuntiest shit they can fucking think of. | ||
| Because they've been looking for a green light. | ||
| They've been looking for a chance to get pissed about something. | ||
| And if you say these X words in a row and they know that this is a green light, I'm going after this fuck. | ||
| And they just find the angle. | ||
| What's the angle to attack him at? | ||
| He believes slavery should be back in season. | ||
| Can you believe what this person... | ||
| I cannot believe. | ||
| Righteous indignation. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| You make a good point because that can be either a smart or a dumb person. | ||
| And they're... | ||
| Often smart. | ||
| Often smart. | ||
| And if they do get happy, you get to experience, whether they're smart or dumb, a totally different person. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And more joyful and more laughing. | ||
| Another problem with people that are really smart is that they recognize the variables. | ||
| They recognize the consequences of failure, they recognize the consequences of their own laziness, or whatever it is that's kept them from being successful. | ||
| They are frustrated by their own inability to reach their potential in life. | ||
| So then, when they find a green light, like it's Seth MacFarlane telling jokes at the Oscars, They're frustrated already. | ||
| And smart. | ||
| And go. | ||
| Find something to attack. | ||
| When you're really sort of projecting some of your internal bullshit on a silly subject. | ||
| Him saying that Salma Hayek is hot so no one cares that you can understand her. | ||
| That's what that's what's horrible about that Have you ever heard her talk? | ||
| Jesus fucking Christ are we pretending that she's easy to understand? | ||
| Are you really gonna pretend that that's a good? | ||
| I don't know what to do mr. Jones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah? | |
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| And she's also really hot as fuck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've met her in real life. | ||
| She's beautiful. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Beautiful. | |
| Beautiful. | ||
| She's beautiful. | ||
| She's smoking hot. | ||
| But why would she be upset that she's hard to understand? | ||
| Really? | ||
| If it didn't make sense, it wouldn't be funny. | ||
| For the record, I'd like to fill her up and seal her shut. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I would like to fill her up with so much cum that she could float in the ocean. | ||
| She would just be so buoyant. | ||
| I would like her to have so much cum in her. | ||
| That it's dripping out of her nose, and she uses it as seasoning on her tacos. | ||
| And you know what this dummy that wrote this needs to understand? | ||
| Here's the big part. | ||
| If it didn't make sense, it wouldn't be funny. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| If you tried to say that about Jennifer Aniston, that nobody understands her, but no one cares because she's so hot, people would be like, what? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Jennifer Aniston's very easy to understand. | ||
| Right. | ||
| So why are you pretending? | ||
| Why are you saying that's hurtful? | ||
| That's crazy talk. | ||
| And you're talking about the Oscars. | ||
| Just silly expression of, you know, rewarding people that are making movies. | ||
| Yeah, they reward each other. | ||
| And all you have to do is this guy who's just trying to get a couple of he-he's and ha-ha's in between. | ||
| You know, he's got a few moments to make a little bit of an impact. | ||
| Hey, let's say Salma Hayek's hot and fucking, you can't understand her, but who cares? | ||
| Okay, good, good, good. | ||
| And, like, you're constructing a little comedy routine. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can you imagine how high pressure that hosting gig is? | ||
| Well, you know what should be high pressure? | ||
| Writing this stupid blog. | ||
| She's had a thousand people on Reddit review this blog and then decide how it gets rated with red stars over the top of it. | ||
| And then this company decides whether or not they want to fucking print your dumb shit. | ||
| But she's right about that comedians shouldn't get a free pass. | ||
| They shouldn't. | ||
| Like, there's shit that's just racist, and it's not funny. | ||
| And you hear it, and it's not, you know, someone crossed a line. | ||
| And a lot of times, that's incompetence. | ||
| A lot of times, it's guys who think that they're being edgy, so that's funny, but they don't really know how to be funny. | ||
| Like, we've all worked with guys that are shockingly bad. | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Sometimes people say things, and they just say things because they're stuck on stage, and they start talking, and they don't even know what the fuck they're saying, but they're trying to be edgy, so then they say something really fucked up and racist. | ||
| Have you ever seen that happen? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course! | |
| Yeah, that feeling when you're panicking. | ||
| Obviously, she's talking about a monologue. | ||
| I've seen it with... | ||
| Like a guy trying to be edgy in a sex joke. | ||
| And then just goes through it and you're like, holy shit. | ||
| You sound like you're going to murder and kill and rape bitches tonight. | ||
| You could tell he just didn't know. | ||
| He just wanted to run through it. | ||
| How crazy it sounded. | ||
| And you're like, that does not sound good, man. | ||
| There's no joke there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| There's certain things that people say on stage and the way they say them. | ||
| One person could say it and it's really hilarious. | ||
| Half the shit Joey Diaz says. | ||
| If it wasn't someone as lovable as Joey Diaz, you'd be like, get this guy off. | ||
| If he was like an awkward white guy that was kind of shifty. | ||
| Or if you just saw what he says written, you'd be like, oh my god. | ||
| Meanwhile, you'll never see that. | ||
| You don't have to worry about that happening. | ||
| That's not written anywhere. | ||
| That act they written down. | ||
| He got mad at me once for having a notebook. | ||
| What are you doing walking around with this fucking notebook? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Like you're one of these fucking... | ||
| What's that place that they all go to? | ||
| What's the alternative room? | ||
|
unidentified
|
UCB. He goes, what are you, one of those fucking UCB homos? | |
| He got mad that I had a notebook. | ||
| You know what the fuck I'm saying. | ||
| You're letting everybody know you got your notebook. | ||
| I'm like, it's my fucking notes! | ||
| I'm about to go on stage. | ||
| I don't know what to say to that. | ||
| I'm letting everybody know that I take notes? | ||
| Like, the fuck does that even mean? | ||
| He's so great. | ||
| I've seen him go on stage and just really just talk shit On people in the audience for like 15 minutes and just talk things out. | ||
| There was nothing. | ||
| He was really just in the moment. | ||
| And it was like the funniest shit I've ever seen. | ||
| Yeah, you can't like personality and like what is funny and what's not funny. | ||
| It's also so subjective. | ||
| So someone saying a comedian getting a free pass. | ||
| Well, it might not be good for you. | ||
| Okay, but you got to understand that that's that person doing his thing. | ||
| It's like the same as someone singing a song. | ||
| You're just not thinking about it that way. | ||
| You know, when someone's singing a song, they're creating a piece of entertainment. | ||
| When someone's doing a joke, they're creating a piece of entertainment, too. | ||
| But it's a completely different process, and sometimes it doesn't work. | ||
| It's not like someone said that. | ||
| Like, you asked them, hey, Tom Segura, what do you think about white girls with cornrows? | ||
| And you just go, well, you know, I fucking think they're a bunch of crazy bitches. | ||
| They'll stab you. | ||
| Like, you're not being interviewed for the news. | ||
| You're telling jokes. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| And that's a real – to me, that's a real social problem that people need to be called on because I think when people think that they can just get away with being twatty like that and everybody gives them that political, correct, free pass and puts logic out the door – And doesn't call him on it, going, that's not what's going on here. | ||
| This is a joke. | ||
| Will you shut the fuck up? | ||
| If I was in your living room, can you imagine if you're in your house and you and fucking Seth MacFarlane are sitting there joking around and he says that about Salma Hayek and you guys both start laughing. | ||
| He, like a couple, you know, a couple guys would. | ||
| And then this woman is also there and she's on the couch, just the three of you. | ||
| And she starts complaining. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| You'd be like, what? | ||
| And you would have a crazy argument about your size, and then you'd be like, we're never hanging out with that person ever again. | ||
| Well, it's the most ironic thing because lefties and progressive people are always espousing freedom of speech, the First Amendment, freedom of the press. | ||
| They're always talking about how important it is to have a free internet. | ||
| But meanwhile, they're also the first people willing to get upset at someone expressing themselves in a manner that they find amusing or that they find shocking but funny. | ||
| You should have free speech up until it bothers me. | ||
| Yes, exactly. | ||
| Free speech up until you cross the conservative line. | ||
| I feel like you've crossed into some area where I can make fun of you. | ||
| Do you ever get, um, have you gotten mail, hate mail about jokes, you know? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, sure. | ||
| There's been certain things that people have been upset about. | ||
| Yeah, but I always feel like going like, like, you remember this thing that you're, this was on a stand-up comedy show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Or this was on a comedy scene. | ||
| Well, you had a lot of people mad at you about that bike joke, right? | ||
| So many. | ||
| Dude, you looked like a little, like, bothered by it at one point in time. | ||
| I just, I didn't know. | ||
| They wanted to kill you. | ||
| What, what? | ||
| Whether, like, it was a normal reaction, like, because it was the first thing that had gotten any, like... | ||
| Real exposure? | ||
| Yeah, I was like, is this normal? | ||
| That everybody wants to kill you? | ||
| The big thing that it got was it got the, um... | ||
| It got the Huffington Post home comedy page for a day. | ||
| So like it was the first thing on HuffPost comedy because it was being used to promote the new season. | ||
| Actually, well, but my special was the season debut of the series. | ||
| So it was, hey, the series is back for season whatever. | ||
| Here's a clip from the first episode. | ||
| So it was that kind of thing, like a big promo thing. | ||
| What's the series? | ||
| It was Comedy Central Presents. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| So they were going to air, you know, 15 of them. | ||
| How many did they do last year? | ||
| They did about, I think around 16. Oh, that's great. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's called The Half Hour now. | ||
| They changed the name of it. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| And then they just shot the new ones. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| This past weekend in New York. | ||
| Dude, you should try to get one of those, Brian. | ||
| Brody just got his. | ||
| That should be your goal. | ||
| We're not talking about Brody. | ||
| He shot, right? | ||
| That should be your goal. | ||
| Your goal should be to put one of those together. | ||
| You can do that. | ||
| I need to get a manager first or something like that. | ||
| Don't worry about that. | ||
| Get a notebook. | ||
| Don't worry about that, dude. | ||
| You don't need a manager first. | ||
| You need to just do a lot of writing. | ||
| A lot of writing. | ||
| Get on stage. | ||
| You know, you got some really killer jokes, dude. | ||
| You have some funny shit. | ||
| You have some good ideas. | ||
| Like, you could really, like, you could really, like, put down a special if you wanted to. | ||
| If you really wanted to dedicate yourself to it. | ||
| Yeah, you could work up to that for sure, man. | ||
| Have you ever been so drunk that you couldn't even, like, you had to just get off the stage? | ||
| No, never. | ||
| Never that drunk? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I've been, really the most I've ever had is like a buzz from drinking where I recognized that it was throwing off my timing and stuff. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then I just couldn't think as quick. | ||
| That's not good. | ||
| So I personally, I mean I know everyone's different with it, I don't drink until I'm done performing because it'll fuck me up. | ||
| Sometimes I do. | ||
| Sometimes I have a couple of drinks and go on stage. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But you pull it off. | |
| Yeah, but I prefer, honestly, I prefer my sets when I'm just a little bit hard. | ||
| Or sober. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those are my best sets. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| But every now and then I'll go up lit and crush. | ||
| Especially at the Ice House. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| Because it's like home. | ||
| It's like home base. | ||
| I'll get a couple of Jack Daniels and go up to the Ice House. | ||
| Because the Ice House is so positive. | ||
| Everyone there is all hugs. | ||
| The waiters are cool. | ||
| The bartenders are cool. | ||
| The waitresses are cool. | ||
| The managers are cool. | ||
| When you go to the Ice House, that's love. | ||
| That's a family environment. | ||
| When we do those Wednesday nights there, we'll probably do one next week too, by the way, folks. | ||
| We do those Wednesday nights, and it's packed on a Wednesday night at 10. It's like, you could do anything there. | ||
| So those, I might get hammered from. | ||
| I could get a little fucked up and get a show like that. | ||
| I have a show there Friday, by the way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do you? | |
| Where at? | ||
| Ice House. | ||
| Who are you there with? | ||
| I believe... | ||
| I can't remember now. | ||
| I have to look at my phone. | ||
| Powerful advertisement. | ||
| What time is your show there? | ||
| It's at 10 o'clock, icehousecomedy.com, Def Squad Show. | ||
| We have a very odd podcast on Friday with Dr. Amit Goswami. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a theoretical physicist, one of those particle physicists guys. | |
| What's he going to talk about? | ||
| Theoretical physics. | ||
| Like, do they write a book? | ||
| He's going to talk about the nature of matter. | ||
| He's going to talk about string theory. | ||
| He's going to talk about how the fucking world is really constructed. | ||
| How inside of every atom is just empty space. | ||
| How this idea of strings vibrating that control and create all matter is going to be a total mindfuck. | ||
| Because he's like super legit. | ||
| As legit as those quantum scientists go, those quantum guys are so strange. | ||
| It's so hard to understand because everything they're doing is all this alien mathematical language. | ||
| You see them writing it out and in that alien mathematical language as they're writing down all those fucking symbols and all that Einstein. | ||
| What's that movie with Matt Damon? | ||
| Oh yeah, yeah. | ||
| What was that movie? | ||
| Something about apples. | ||
| Something about apples. | ||
| Something a bunch of numbers. | ||
| Good Will Hunting. | ||
| Good Will Hunting, yeah. | ||
| When he's writing all that stuff on the board, and you don't know if it's right. | ||
| You don't know if that shit's... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck no. | |
| You have no idea what all that is. | ||
| You might as well be writing ancient hieroglyphs. | ||
| What's that shit for? | ||
| Well, it's mathematics. | ||
| It's complex mathematics. | ||
| But when he's writing that, these guys are writing that shit. | ||
| I've seen them on notes. | ||
| They'll have an inspiration for the way an equation is supposed to be interacting with the environment. | ||
| My brain definitely doesn't. | ||
| The real problem with dealing with those guys is even when you're asking questions about how they came to the conclusions, like how they understand these things and where the ideas of string theory come from. | ||
| You can't even measure it. | ||
| Like they're just – they're talking about something that they say works in like number form and they'll show you like paper. | ||
| You'll never get it. | ||
|
unidentified
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No. | |
| You're going to be like, oh, OK. | ||
| Like you'll try to get it. | ||
| They spray pixie dust and then they say alakazam and babies are born. | ||
| I'm pretty sure I wouldn't get it because I don't get algebra one. | ||
| So I don't think I would get the advanced shit with it that I don't even – I can't understand the beginning of what they're trying to even explain. | ||
| I think some people just don't have the capacity or the ability. | ||
| Well, it's the pursuit. | ||
| I think it's like almost anything. | ||
| If you have an interest in it and you pursue it, you can get good at it. | ||
| I think mathematics is probably real similar to whether it's literature or even athletics. | ||
| It's like, what do you focus your energy on? | ||
| You focus your energy on this, You're going to figure out how to do it. | ||
| If it's interesting to you, and you might not be the best in the world at it, but if you put your focus on it, you're going to be able to figure out how to do it. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| Almost anything. | ||
| Almost anything. | ||
| But it's like, what entices you? | ||
| Are you like, ooh, math. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| No, you're not. | ||
| With you, it's like, oh, stage time. | ||
| Let me get to do a joke. | ||
| I'm going to kill. | ||
| That's what entices you. | ||
| What's attractive to you is what you pursue. | ||
| What's attractive to you is stand-up comedy. | ||
| But if you were one of those wacky dudes like that Russian guy who solved this prize, they were going to give him a million dollar prize, he didn't even want the money. | ||
| He's so fucking crazy. | ||
| This dude is just up there in Siberia, writing shit down on paper, and he solved some crazy mathematical equation that they had been trying to I should pull up the actual information so it doesn't sound like I'm talking out of my ass. | ||
| Let me pull this up. | ||
| I'm going to just Google Russian scientist. | ||
| Come dog. | ||
| Wins math prize. | ||
| Doesn't want it? | ||
| Let's see if that works. | ||
| And notice that I didn't use Bing. | ||
| I used fucking Google, okay? | ||
| There's these new commercials. | ||
| You should try Bing. | ||
| Bing is actually better than Google. | ||
| It's more fun. | ||
| You'd be surprised. | ||
| Bing's so crazy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fun. | |
| I like when a search engine is a good goddamn time. | ||
| I'll tell you one thing, though. | ||
| We had this thing on Muff Said the other day. | ||
| If you Google the word boobs, safe search off, you don't get any tits. | ||
| But if you go to Yahoo and do boobs, you get tits. | ||
| But which one you don't? | ||
| Google. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Google's trying to hide tits. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| Trying to make that pay, bro. | ||
| This is the dude. | ||
| He is a Russian scientist from St. Petersburg. | ||
| His name is Grigory Bergman. | ||
| He's a 40-year-old man and he won the Fields Medal, often described as mass equivalent to the Nobel Prize for a breakthrough in the study of shapes that experts say might help scientists figure out the shape of the universe. | ||
| I'm super offended by the way you said his name with that acronym. | ||
| It's really offensive. | ||
| John Ball, president of the International Mathematics Union, said that he had urged P-E-R-E-L-M-A-N, so I don't know what that is. | ||
| Pearlman. | ||
| Anyway, homeboy. | ||
| He urged homeboy to accept the medal, but he said he felt isolated from the mathematics community and does not want to be seen as a figurehead. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| He just didn't want the money. | ||
| He passed on a million dollar money. | ||
| A million dollar prize. | ||
| A million dollars. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Besides shunning the award for his work in topology, he also seems uninterested, according to colleagues, in a separate one billion dollar prize he could win, providing the Poincaré conjecture, a theorem about the nature of multidimensional space. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Whoa, indeed. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
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Whoa. | |
| Yeah, he's too smart. | ||
| That's a dude that's too smart and doesn't understand what two million dollars can get you. | ||
| Because it can get you a lot of cool shit. | ||
| All you're going to have to do... | ||
| One of the things you can do is move from Siberia with your million dollars. | ||
| Yeah, you've got to be a really crazy fuck to pass on a million bucks. | ||
| But you probably also have to be a really crazy fuck to be able to think in such a spectacular way. | ||
| It's like the fact that this guy... | ||
| I mean, it's not that this guy wasn't successful because he studied mathematics only and he put all his focus on mathematics, but once he got really good at that, well, then he was able to capitalize on his excellence. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, it's they offered him money and he said, I don't want to go back to shock and write things on the papers. | ||
| I just realized, too, that I was talking about people's intelligence earlier in this podcast, and that if that guy met me, he'd be like, are you the dumbest person in the world? | ||
| I've never spoken to somebody as stupid as you. | ||
| Tell me again. | ||
| Well, I wonder what he would be like socially. | ||
| Probably a little awkward, I guess. | ||
| Maybe not. | ||
| I solved these equations in my Siberian hut. | ||
| Maybe he's so smart that he figured out sociology, and he figured out the interaction between human beings. | ||
| Well, then he becomes the coolest fucking guy in the world, if he's that guy. | ||
| But if he's that guy, he takes the two mil. | ||
| Yeah, and we all know that. | ||
| Yeah, that guy takes the two mil and goes pimpin'. | ||
| You should double up on that shit. | ||
| You know what someone just called somebody that I thought was an awesome fucking expression? | ||
| Called him a suitcase pimp. | ||
| Suitcase pimp? | ||
| I've never heard of that. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I've heard it many times, but I hadn't heard it in a while. | ||
| A suitcase pimp. | ||
| What's up, suitcase pimp? | ||
| Someone's a suitcase pimp. | ||
| But it's not a positive term. | ||
| Suitcase pimp is like a hustler. | ||
| You know, it's like he's never got his shit together. | ||
| He's always like living out of a suitcase. | ||
| Somebody said some shit that was so cool to me that I just didn't get it. | ||
| You know, when it's too much cooler than you? | ||
| Somebody yelled that shit at me in Cleveland. | ||
| They're like, I'm so icy, they call me Daisy. | ||
| I was like, that sounds cool, I just don't know what the fuck you mean, man. | ||
| In the porn world, they used that term, suitcase pimp. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In the porn world, a suitcase pimp is the unemployed boyfriend of the porn star. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| That's a suitcase pimp. | ||
| That's all over that industry. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Support. | ||
| You gotta have support. | ||
| Isn't that the craziest thing? | ||
| It's always those guys. | ||
| It's always those guys. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's always... | ||
| You gotta get paid, babe. | ||
| It's strippers as well, like a lot of strippers. | ||
| It's like, you know, especially like girls at work at really nasty places and they don't feel good about it. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They need a man and they want a man waiting for them when they get home to cuddle with and snuggle. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Trying to get out the memories of all those boners. | ||
| That's so true. | ||
| And it's always a guy that's a loser. | ||
| Because, I mean, you know, a lot of guys out there right now with stripper girlfriends going, fuck you, shithead. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's true. | ||
| If you're at home, and you don't pay the bills, and you don't contribute to the household, you're unemployed, and your girl's out there sticking her pussy in guys' faces, there's a reason why that's not the conventional setup. | ||
| It's because you're number one, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
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That's why. | |
| You're basically the most awesome guy ever. | ||
| You're the bro-iest bro of all. | ||
| And your band is awesome, too. | ||
| And that barbed wire tat is looking fucking rad, bro. | ||
| Does anybody do barbed wire anymore? | ||
| I wonder if someone does it ironically. | ||
| The thing is, it's ironic, but you've got to be rolling with a crew that really knows you to get that you're being ironic. | ||
| Well, Ari has Keep on Truck and Tattoo on his side. | ||
| That's ironic, and I think everyone gets that. | ||
| Yeah, Kinane has one too, a funny, silly one. | ||
| I forget what it is, though. | ||
| On his side or his tat. | ||
| Somebody find out. | ||
| Suitcase pimp. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a funny one. | ||
| I have waterfalls. | ||
| Yeah, barbed wire? | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You can't do that shit anymore, right? | ||
| Yeah, do girls still get tramp stamps? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| How many girls have gotten just a target? | ||
| Just put an actual target? | ||
| An aim here? | ||
| Yeah, just like concentric rings, bullseye. | ||
| There's some freaky fucking ones around pussies on the internet, right? | ||
| Have you seen some of them? | ||
| You're like, oh my... | ||
| Like it's a demon's mouth that is around her box. | ||
| And you're like, you really thought... | ||
| That that was going to be a good move. | ||
| For real? | ||
| I think that cat butthole belly button tattoo one is the grossest one. | ||
| Who wants a cat butthole on your fucking tummy? | ||
| Mine would look really bad. | ||
| It's all hairy and just linting it all the time. | ||
| Yeah, you have linting it. | ||
| I think the other day a bug crawled in my belly button and then got squished when I was sleeping. | ||
|
unidentified
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Really? | |
| Because then I put my finger in there and this thing came out and it looked like a squished bug. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Big one, though. | ||
| Like a cockroach. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Well, sometimes it looks like spiders when I pull out the lint and there's all these hairs in them. | ||
| I'm like, oh, is that a 70-legged spider? | ||
| And then I realized it was just a ball of lint, but yeah. | ||
| This girl got diarrhea tattooed on her back. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like the word diarrhea or just diarrhea? | ||
| I guess that's for dudes who are trying to fuck her in the butt. | ||
| Just want to steer you away from that right away. | ||
| It's going to go poorly. | ||
| Yeah, if you look on Google Images under tramp stamps, one girl has a whole Bible passage written on her lower back up to her ass. | ||
| Is that the last shit you want to be reading when you're banging a hot chick doggy style? | ||
| Because her ass looks tremendous too. | ||
| That is a Bible verse? | ||
| It's a giant literary tattoo. | ||
| But maybe it's really like, hey, I want you to come right here in a second, but it's just written really fancy. | ||
| Corinthians. | ||
| No. | ||
| This is what it says. | ||
| This bitch is so crazy. | ||
| Love is patient. | ||
| Love is kind. | ||
| It does not envy. | ||
| This is all written on her ass. | ||
| Love is never boastful, not conceited, nor rude. | ||
| It's hard because of the curve of her ass. | ||
| Something self-seeking. | ||
| Calmly, not calmly, are angered? | ||
| Argued? | ||
| Argued. | ||
| It keeps no secrets, blah, blah, blah. | ||
| It does delight in evil, but rejoices in... | ||
| I can't read it. | ||
| Blah, blah, blah. | ||
| Protects, trusts, hopes, and preserves. | ||
| There is never a blah, blah, blah something face. | ||
| There is no limit. | ||
| To its faith. | ||
| This is all on her ass! | ||
| If you do Google Translate, it just said, Rape by Father. | ||
| It keeps going, dude. | ||
| Is this on her ass, Chief? | ||
| Yes, this is all. | ||
| I'll show you. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But the greatest of them all is love. | ||
| Look at that. | ||
| Oh my God! | ||
| She wrote... | ||
| I mean, it's a paragraph. | ||
| I think I would lose my erection. | ||
| Joe, did you see this woman in Columbus? | ||
| The one that has all her tattoos, including Tom Segura, mine. | ||
| Not mine, but I know her. | ||
| She's awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you sign it? | ||
| Yeah, that's... | ||
| That's Dom and Alyssa, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Did you sign it? | ||
| No, no, I didn't sign it. | ||
| Because she didn't ask me to. | ||
| But I signed Dom's leg. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Her brother, Dom. | ||
| I hope she covers all that shit up with a big Gucci Mane ice cream cone. | ||
| Have you seen that? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Gucci Mane put an ice cream cone on his face? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, what's his name? | ||
| And it says Burr. | ||
| Did you see it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Pull up the picture of Blue Pooch Humane ice cream cone face tattoo. | ||
| How about Big Baby Birdman's oil drill on his head? | ||
| Oil drill going tattooed on the side of his head. | ||
| Does he really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes, man. | |
| He's got giant stars all over his head too, right? | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| Do you know who just tattooed his fucking head? | ||
| Jason Ellis. | ||
| He put a giant... | ||
| Look at it. | ||
| Damn! | ||
| Look, it's got lightning bolts. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Man, my ice cream be on fire! | ||
| Gucci Mane is crazy. | ||
| Look at him. | ||
| He put an ice cream cone on his face. | ||
| It says burr. | ||
| You see it? | ||
| You see it on the cone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| B-R-R-R. And the tattoo guy was like, okay. | ||
| I'm going to have to get you to request this on video. | ||
| And then I need you to write this down. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| Just tattoo it. | ||
| I ain't going to change my mind. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Put butter picard on my face, man. | |
| Yo, dog. | ||
| Don't be giving me no vanilla ice cream. | ||
| I hate vanilla. | ||
| I want a cone. | ||
| A good one. | ||
| Like a waffle type motherfucker. | ||
| Cookie dough ice cream. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No spoon, man. | |
| No spoon. | ||
| I lit that shit up. | ||
| Them delicious cones with the upper level that is like styrofoam-like. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The craziest part of the lightning bolts. | |
| Put lightning on my ice cream. | ||
| But he's got other shit on his face, too. | ||
| He's got writing on his face, too. | ||
| He just uses his face to draw. | ||
| Can you see what it says under his eye? | ||
| Can you read what it says? | ||
| He has things on his eye? | ||
| Under his eye? | ||
| Oh, those are tattoos, too? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Under his eye says something? | ||
| What the fuck? | ||
| What does that say? | ||
| I see. | ||
| What does it say? | ||
| 1,000 veg? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's hard to see. | ||
| Ten times ten with the S on the M. And on the other side he looks like a dove or something like that. | ||
| From the Honda's back. | ||
| Yeah, that dude is probably irrational. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gucci? | |
| Yeah. | ||
| What is his music like? | ||
| Have you ever heard his music? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Is it good? | ||
| I mean, yeah. | ||
| Gucci Mane's got some hits out there, man. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, yeah. | |
| What's your favorite? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't remember the name. | ||
| Can we listen to a little bit of Gucci Mane? | ||
| I've definitely heard Gucci Mane. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Are we going to get kicked off YouTube if we put this up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Does Gucci mean independent? | ||
| Is he out there working for the man? | ||
| Or does he have some universal contract? | ||
| He's got to have a big deal. | ||
| Yeah, he's got a big deal. | ||
| Are they having those big deals anymore? | ||
| The record industry. | ||
| We were just talking about the other day about how you used to be able to go to a town and you go to Tower Records and you can go pick up a CD. There's no Tower Records anymore. | ||
| No. | ||
| There's no Virgin Megastore. | ||
| Apparently, of course. | ||
| Have you seen Lil Poopy? | ||
| Lil Poopy? | ||
| L-I-L Poopy. | ||
| Have you seen him? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He's a rapper? | ||
| He's a nine-year-old rapper and his name's Lil Poopy. | ||
| It is the best. | ||
| Alright, let me show you Lil Poopy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's better. | |
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| Pull that other thing up. | ||
| I want to hear Gucci Mane. | ||
| I want to hear Little Poopy. | ||
| Gucci Mane hangs out with the Rick Ross, the fake Rick Ross. | ||
| Please isolate. | ||
| I want to hear Gucci Mane. | ||
| I don't want to hear Little Poopy. | ||
| I'm not saying that the fake Rick Ross... | ||
| He's doing well, that fake red cross. | ||
| Okay, stop it. | ||
| There's no need for that music. | ||
| He's got better shit. | ||
| He's got another. | ||
| Look for his biggest hit. | ||
| Gucci Mane's biggest hit? | ||
| Yeah, you should get another sample. | ||
| But the fact that he's capable of that. | ||
| He's Mad Hood, man. | ||
| He's got to make it for the streets, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| Mad Hood? | ||
| Is that a Mad Hood song? | ||
| I think definitely. | ||
| That sounds like some shit you would hear bumping in ATL if you were going in the right group. | ||
| That song sounds like you locked him in a garage with a hundred cars running and made him breathe the fumes for a year. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| And then you brought him out. | ||
| He was barely alive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is a little poopy. | |
| Okay, this is terrible too. | ||
| Okay, okay, okay. | ||
| I don't want to get sued by a little poopy. | ||
| Give him some gooch, man! | ||
| Pull up Gucci Mane's greatest hit. | ||
| Try to find Gucci Mane's greatest hit. | ||
| I think we sorted by view count and that was. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Do a search for it. | ||
| Yeah, he's got to have a bigger hit than that. | ||
| For sure. | ||
| Defending it. | ||
| I want you to get a good sample of Gucci. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| No, this is not going to be Gucci Mane as fuck. | ||
| He's going to put something else on. | ||
| Some buttholes. | ||
| He's going to put Rebecca Black Friday. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That chick, her deal was... | |
| They gave her a bunch of money. | ||
| Remember that girl? | ||
| Rebecca Black? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I just heard Creation right then, right? | ||
| How do you even know who that is? | ||
| It was a big deal! | ||
| I feel like I know you, and then I feel like I don't. | ||
| She got a million dollar advance, which was not as common enough for an unknown artist, and then that album didn't sell well at all. | ||
| Really? | ||
| When was this? | ||
| I think within the last year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh. | |
| I don't know anybody today. | ||
| I'm just so out of the loop. | ||
| I'm pretty out of it. | ||
| I know stuff like that because it's in the news, and I know mostly the music I grew up on. | ||
| I'm not aware of a lot of the new shit. | ||
| Gucci Mane, I know because, you know, you're like a son to me, but that's it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| There's so much music that had been made. | ||
| When you think about the fact that from 1960, whatever, to today, you want to go crazy, you want to go with Robert Johnson, you can listen to some shit recorded in the 30s and 40s, right? | ||
| But think about that till today. | ||
| What a gigantic... | ||
| Pile of music that is. | ||
| There's so much out there. | ||
| What a body of work. | ||
| All the different musicians in the 60s, the 70s, the 50s. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| There's so much music. | ||
| To come up with new stuff, to really get me into it, it has to be like the Black Keys. | ||
| Spent just crazy amounts of money. | ||
| I got nine cars. | ||
| Yeah, he blew through a lot of it. | ||
| He was on that broke... | ||
| Special that they aired, and he was just like, if somebody pulled up, you know, in like a Ferrari, you're like, yeah, that shit's hot. | ||
| I gotta top that shit. | ||
| So then he would go like, that day, I got the Lambo with the brains blown out, man, like just to top each other. | ||
| Guys would just buy shit to show off, you know, to compete with each other on it. | ||
| They say that there's some ungodly number of people. | ||
| It's like 80% of all NFL players are broke and in bankruptcy within two years of retiring. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| I mean, you know, the older I get, the more I understand the younger guys having no, like, zero... | ||
| Sense. | ||
| And also zero, like, financial IQ. Like, they don't know. | ||
| At 21, they're like, here's $3 million. | ||
| And they're like, what? | ||
| Yo, let's get this party started! | ||
| You're 22. Can you imagine? | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| But it's crazier when they're like, he played 10, 12, 16 years like Iverson, and he's blown through like $200 million. | ||
| Is Iverson broke now? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And how old is he now? | ||
| He's 37, something like that. | ||
| And his body's not working right anymore. | ||
| Oh, he's out of the NBA, yeah. | ||
| And he's trying to play, but he's run through well into nine figures. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You have to consider, he made a lot of endorsements. | ||
| Nine figures. | ||
| Nine figures, dude. | ||
| Yeah, make seven figures. | ||
| Girls would be like, whoa, he makes seven figures. | ||
| It's like, can I make nine? | ||
| Nine. | ||
| I blew to it all. | ||
| That's crazy, man. | ||
| Whoopsies. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| He blew $300 million! | ||
| It's so much. | ||
| They interviewed one defensive guy on the broke thing, and he was like, I don't know why, man, but everybody had a car wash. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's like, we all had a fucking car wash, man. | |
| That shit did not last. | ||
| Like, we all spent money on a car wash. | ||
| We all bought a car wash. | ||
| Yeah, man, you ain't got your own car wash. | ||
| And Bart Scott, he was like, you buy shit that's unnecessary. | ||
| He's not broke at all. | ||
| He's still playing, and he's like, I'm smarter with my money. | ||
| But he's like, you know, everybody's a stupid purchase. | ||
| I bought a coat. | ||
| I think it was made of wolf. | ||
|
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And I... He's like, I wore that shit once. | |
| And it was like $35,000. | ||
| You can wear a wolf coat? | ||
| I think so, man. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| A wolf coat. | ||
| That shit would be dope. | ||
| My dogs would attack it. | ||
| It wouldn't let a wolf in the house like that. | ||
| I was thinking about how absurd is it, like how unprepared my mind is. | ||
| I'm not prepared to see grown men in any type of fur. | ||
| If you don't have an AK-47 in your hand, or you're not a coke dealer, or you're stepping off a team plane, I'm not mentally prepared to see a man in fur. | ||
| Or you're Russian. | ||
| In Siberia, with a hatchet in your hand. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And you've got your Kalashnikov and you're ready to fucking get down. | ||
| Other than that, walking around with dudes have fur shit on. | ||
| So warm. | ||
| Have you ever worn a fur coat? | ||
| I put my mother's on when I was like 12. I have a friend who is a rich guy back in Boston, and he wore a full-length fur coat. | ||
| And I go, what is that? | ||
| He's like, it's a mink coat. | ||
| I go, you're wearing a mink coat. | ||
| He goes, yeah. | ||
| He goes, you got to try it on. | ||
| I go, really? | ||
| He goes, yeah, try it on, try it on. | ||
| I go, okay. | ||
| I'm like, oh my god. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's so warm. | ||
| They're so comfortable. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| It's gross when they have the legs still attached around the top. | ||
| Have you seen it? | ||
| That's gangster. | ||
| That's like shrunken heads. | ||
| That's pretty crazy. | ||
| It's like people wearing shrunken heads. | ||
| Look, I got my fucking conquest. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It keeps you warm. | ||
| People are like, well, you know, I really think it's fucked up that people kill minks. | ||
| It is fucked up that people kill minks. | ||
| It totally is. | ||
| But you know what happens when people don't kill minks? | ||
| They get eaten alive by wolves. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they get killed. | ||
| They don't live. | ||
| It's not like a minx is going to live forever. | ||
| I get it, though. | ||
| It's tough to rationally look at it and say, you think it's okay to kill an animal just for its fur? | ||
| I say no. | ||
| I say no. | ||
| I say the only way you should kill an animal is if you're going to use the whole animal. | ||
|
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Eat it. | |
| Eat it for sure. | ||
| That, I think, is the most important. | ||
| If you use the other parts of it as well, yeah. | ||
| But just the fur? | ||
| Man, that seems fucked up. | ||
| I agree. | ||
| And then what's even worse on the same line is when they kill the fucking elephants for the tusks. | ||
| That's just the worst, man. | ||
| That's dark. | ||
| There's a big controversy about that with pool players. | ||
| Because there's a lot of parts of pool cues that they use ivory for. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, but it has to be pre-ban ivory. | ||
| And they're really good at monitoring where the ivory comes from. | ||
| Occasionally people get arrested for selling illegal ivory. | ||
| There was a guy that distributed stuff for pool cue makers like ivory and exotic woods and stuff along those lines. | ||
| He got arrested a few years back because he was selling... | ||
| Illegal ivory, like they take that shit very seriously. | ||
| Oh, I'm glad. | ||
| But you're allowed to have it. | ||
| You're allowed to have the banned ivory. | ||
| And the idea is that, first of all, those animals are dead, okay? | ||
| And they killed so many of them. | ||
| So many. | ||
| Ivory was worth so much money that between I think it was like 1980 and whenever the band was instituted in 1987, their population dipped by over a million. | ||
| I think they were at like 1.5 million and they were down to 500,000. | ||
| So it's imperative that people understand that a lot of the ivory that you use today and stuff is like there's so much of it, you don't have to kill anything for it. | ||
| And if you don't use it, it's kind of fucked. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Because that means somebody murdered these animals for their ivory and then didn't use them for things. | ||
| But if you murder them now and use their ivory for shit, it's fucked up. | ||
| It's a real gray area if you look at it that way. | ||
| It's like, would you be willing to have ivory tusks if you found them in a store in your house, like mounted? | ||
| They're beautiful and they're crazy to look at. | ||
| If you've ever seen them, there's a mammoth tusk at this museum. | ||
| It's fucking fascinating, man. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| But... | ||
| As far as we know, nobody ever shot a mammoth. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| You're dealing with an elephant that some dude put a sniper bullet through his fucking brain. | ||
| I think it would make me too sad to have that around. | ||
| Probably, right? | ||
| Yeah, because there's only one way you get those things. | ||
| Well, two ways. | ||
| The animal dies on its own, which is pretty fucking rare. | ||
| That's not how usually you get them. | ||
| They can live a long time, right? | ||
| Yeah, they can live a long time. | ||
| Or that's the other problem. | ||
| They live a long time and they're fucking smart. | ||
| Elephants are smart. | ||
| Elephants recognize each other after not seeing each other for like 20 years. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's crazy to watch. | ||
| They run over and grab trunks and wrap their trunks around each other. | ||
| They're like cuddling, practically. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucked up. | ||
| For years, people just slaughtered them for ivory. | ||
| That's the thing, too. | ||
| They're killing these big, beautiful animals just for one thing, and then they're like, yeah, that's cool, and then they move along. | ||
| Those animals will fucking kill you, too, though. | ||
| Are these elephants going to fuck? | ||
| All right. | ||
|
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|
Wow. | |
| Can you imagine having to carry that weight? | ||
| Look at the size of that thing. | ||
| The tape is going in. | ||
| I don't think they have big dicks, dude. | ||
| I think he's trying to go deep, but he barely has a dick. | ||
| Ooh, there is that thrust right there. | ||
| Look at the size of his body. | ||
|
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|
Jesus. | |
| Look at the ass muscles on that thing. | ||
| Have you ever thought about that? | ||
| It'd be cool if they walk around with that all the time. | ||
| What do you think he squats, that guy? | ||
| Oh, he could do a house. | ||
| Put a whole house on his back, he'll squat it. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Look at the size of his muscles. | ||
| What a freaky fucking animal an elephant is. | ||
| And he's just dropping right now. | ||
| He's just like, ah! | ||
| He's in an intense fucking low dropping. | ||
| Elephants are so much weirder than the Avatar people. | ||
| Oh yeah, they are. | ||
| They're so weird. | ||
| That trunk is completely alien. | ||
| A long nose that picks shit up. | ||
| What? | ||
| There's no other thing like it. | ||
| Oh, did you see that spray? | ||
| That's a huge dick, dude. | ||
| That's a hog on that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's a hog in a half. | |
| Look at the size of that thing. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Are we allowed to show elephant hogs? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| It's okay because it's like nature. | ||
| Yeah, that was a big dick. | ||
| That could kill you. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Not as big as a horse's dick, though, I don't think. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That? | |
| I think that was bigger. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| What we just saw right there? | ||
| No, horses have ridiculous dicks. | ||
| But gorillas, this is a gorilla. | ||
| A lot of people don't know this. | ||
| Smaller dicks. | ||
| Yeah, we'll be visiting again with our friend Dr. Christopher Ryan. | ||
| He's going to be back on the podcast. | ||
| He's the author of that book, Sex at Dawn. | ||
| And he'll be on Monday the 25th. | ||
| And looking forward to that. | ||
| But one of the things that he said is that gorillas, in his book he talks about dick size, gorillas have really little dicks. | ||
| And the reason why they have little dicks is because they didn't have to, like, have a big dick to dominate. | ||
| They just have a bunch of chicks who listen to them. | ||
| The girls aren't slutty. | ||
| They stay put. | ||
| And he doesn't really need a big dick. | ||
| So he's got this little tiny, tiny dick. | ||
| Because it's not about her. | ||
| It's about him getting on top, pinning her down, sticking his little tiny dick in there. | ||
| She ain't going anywhere. | ||
| He doesn't have to, like, prove himself to her. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Whereas chimpanzee chicks are whores. | ||
| Chimpanzees don't run any sort of a brothel. | ||
| They don't have like a harem of chicks like a gorilla does. | ||
| Chimpanzees can't rock it like that. | ||
| Chimpanzee girls are just too slutty. | ||
| So chimpanzees, because of this, have enormous testicles. | ||
| And the reason why they have enormous testicles, on a male primate, the testicle size is directly proportionate to the amount of Of promiscuous females that are in your area. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| So if the females are monogamous and you don't have to compete to earn their trust and their sex, your balls shrivel up. | ||
| Your dick shrivels up. | ||
| You don't need as much jizz. | ||
| But when there's competition, when there's a lot of shit going down, that's when you need to have big balls and a big dick. | ||
| Humans have the biggest dicks out of all the primates. | ||
| Human dicks are bigger than chimps. | ||
| Chimps are next. | ||
| But it's because human girls are the sluttiest of the sluts out of all the animal community. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Those dirty bitches. | ||
| So our dicks have to compensate for those. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the bigger the dude's dick is, the most likely bigger the amount of sluts he's around. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Isn't that crazy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, it is. | |
| Genetically, like in his environment where he was born and conceived. | ||
| Ball size, too, probably. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, over the course of, obviously, generation after generation. | ||
| It's not like it's an instant thing. | ||
| Your mom's a whore. | ||
| You got a giant dick. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| It's not like that, but that's the reason for it. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Isn't that fucked? | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| But it makes sense. | ||
| I mean, we look at all sexual things so emotionally. | ||
| You know, we always look at it like, you know, we look at it as ourselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know, like, come on, why does she care about the fucking, why does she care how big my dick is if you love me? | |
| Nature doesn't care about your emotions. | ||
| Nature doesn't care about your desire for acceptance. | ||
| It cares about numbers. | ||
| It cares about who is going to make the most babies, who's going to be the most effective breeding, who's going to have the bigger dick that's going to transfer to his children having a bigger dick, who's going to have the most ambitious personality that transfers into his genetics and passes on epigenetically to his offspring and they become more aggressive and more ambitious. | ||
| I mean that's what nature favors. | ||
| Nature favors like the numbers of the whole. | ||
| Nature isn't really like looking at your emotions and your problems. | ||
| Your emotions are basically a trick. | ||
| And all of them are just set up to get you to do shit that nature wants you to do. | ||
| Whether it's your emotions for your, you know, your connection to your loved ones, as real as it is and as palpable as it is to you, it's really also, it's sort of a reward system that the universe has set up to make sure that you keep interacting with people, keep breeding, and keep perpetuating the civilization in its current form. | ||
| All these emotions, it's all set up to make sure that you keep going. | ||
| The universe doesn't give a fuck about you. | ||
| The universe is busy constructing a grand design that you're a part of. | ||
| And that's also your big dick. | ||
| Your big dick is a part of that, Tommy. | ||
| Your big dick is a part of the universe's grand design. | ||
| It's part of the blueprint. | ||
| The result of it. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| What is this? | ||
| It's that thing that doctor found the other day. | ||
| Oh, the doctor found the alien. | ||
| It looks realistic. | ||
| Totally looks like a real person. | ||
| I thought you were showing me something so much worse than this. | ||
| Brian, I think that's a birth defect. | ||
| I don't think that's funny at all. | ||
| What is this? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's listed as... | ||
| A frog person? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, half human, half frog. | |
| Encephalectic baby. | ||
| Yeah, that's a baby with a terrible disease, buddy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, sure. | |
| That was real. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I thought that was a frog. | ||
| No, it looks like a frog. | ||
| It looks like a frog, but it's a sick disease. | ||
| Isn't it funny? | ||
| It was funny for a couple seconds, and then it wasn't funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was funny when we thought it was an animation. | ||
| Yeah, because that one disease, like this disease, I was... | ||
| Freaky. | ||
| Oh, what is that? | ||
| I forget the name of the disease. | ||
| It's where it's... | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't want to watch anyone. | |
| Yeah, don't watch that. | ||
| That's a horrible baby that looks like a lizard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Jesus, man. | ||
| Yeah, there's a lot of bad rolls of the dice you can get for reals. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Do you ever feel bad about the midge joke you do? | ||
| Talk about bad rolls of the dice. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I mean, I felt badly... | |
| I haven't done that in a long time, because it got old to me, just saying it. | ||
| I mean, I haven't said it in a while, but... | ||
| I felt bad when this couple one time at a show got really – like the woman was crying hysterically over it. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Like it was so weird. | ||
| Is she a big fan of Little House on the Prairie or – What's a show with a midget? | ||
| Oh, the big people Little World, right? | ||
| That's one. | ||
| That's one. | ||
| I don't know why I said Little House and a Prayer. | ||
| Because little. | ||
| Little people. | ||
| Was she The Wizard of Oz? | ||
| Maybe it was that. | ||
| Was that? | ||
| Wizard of Oz. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wizard of Oz. | |
| Maybe that was a big one for her. | ||
| She really... | ||
| Yeah, they got upset, man. | ||
| I felt bad about that. | ||
| Did she talk to you? | ||
| No, her husband followed me offstage to the bathroom. | ||
| Oh, jeez. | ||
| And he goes, really funny stuff, really funny. | ||
| I was like, thanks, man. | ||
| I thought I was just like a regular guy. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| Thanks a lot, man. | ||
| And he goes, and then, you know that midget stuff you do? | ||
| You know those jokes? | ||
| And I was like, oh, shit. | ||
| I really thought this one was going to punch me. | ||
| I was like, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, um... | ||
| Yeah, so, you know, my son is a dwarf. | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| And he started talking. | ||
| I go, I get it, man. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| He's like, you understand? | ||
| I go, I understand how what I said is offensive to you. | ||
| And he said, it's not offensive to me. | ||
| It's offensive to him and what he's going to become. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| Yeah, I get it, man. | ||
| So the next show... | ||
| Oh, and then after that, the fucking... | ||
| The guy went back to see... | ||
| I was like, Jesus Christ. | ||
| And I was like, that sucked. | ||
| And I was standing out front, and then at the end of the show... | ||
| Or actually, no, the show was still going on. | ||
| I saw him and a woman talking to the manager, and she was hysterical. | ||
| Like, just crying and screaming. | ||
| And she didn't know that I was watching. | ||
| I was watching from like 25 feet away. | ||
| And the guy, she's telling the manager, and I can hear her saying, he's such an asshole. | ||
| He's such an asshole. | ||
| And I can hear the manager going, he's not an asshole. | ||
| He's not an asshole. | ||
| He's a nice guy. | ||
| And I was like, I couldn't believe that he was saying that. | ||
| And then... | ||
| He was like, I'll tell you what I'll do. | ||
| I'll give you tickets to come back. | ||
| You tell me any show you want to come to. | ||
| And I'll give you tickets to that. | ||
| And then they were like, okay. | ||
| And they were leaving. | ||
| And then he stopped them and he was like, just so you know, I can't promise you the same shit won't happen at that next show. | ||
| And they were like, I guess so. | ||
| And then they left. | ||
| So I felt badly that I... Upset a family. | ||
| And I get what upset them. | ||
| But I still think that the joke, for the most part, was funny. | ||
| Like, I thought it was a funny joke. | ||
| The bit, or whatever. | ||
| So, I kind of thought about it. | ||
| And then... | ||
| You know, I stopped doing it really out of boredom. | ||
| The next show, I made a joke about that couple. | ||
| I told them how the lady got upset at me. | ||
| Would you do that joke? | ||
| I'm not the one that filled you up with spoiled milk. | ||
| Don't get mad at me. | ||
| Did you say that? | ||
| On stage. | ||
| Oh, that's fucked up. | ||
| But I mean, it wasn't that. | ||
| I'm not the one who filled you with spoiled milk. | ||
| Oh, that's so wrong. | ||
| But I really feel like it goes back to what we were talking about. | ||
| I mean, and I realize it is super subjective and people can definitely tell me that that joke is not funny. | ||
| I respect that. | ||
| I'm not in the... | ||
| I don't take the position of, I'm going to argue with you about how things are funny or something that I said. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm just saying that when I said it, I thought it was funny. | ||
| That's what I'm going out on. | ||
| I thought when I said it, it was funny. | ||
| There are jokes that I've done in the past that I go, those are just, yeah, I mean some of course are easy jokes, some are really just jokes that I get bored of saying. | ||
| It's not funny to me anymore, not because I didn't think it was a funny thing at first, it's just old to me. | ||
| You get bored of it. | ||
| Yeah, I got bored of it, so I stopped saying it. | ||
| Yeah, and there's... | ||
| Stop with this. | ||
| You don't like this? | ||
| No, I don't like this shit. | ||
| It's like when you create a bit, when you have a bit, and you do a bit that's super controversial like this, what you're essentially doing is you're establishing your parameters. | ||
| If you're going to go see my show, you're going to get this, and you might get this. | ||
| It goes this far. | ||
| And there's certain guys that you know that you know when you go see them, They're basically not going to talk about anything controversial. | ||
| They're not going to say anything mean or cruel. | ||
| And so you know that guy's parameters, too. | ||
| Like if you go see Jerry Seinfeld, for instance, you're not going to get a whole lot of ass-to-mouth jokes at the Jerry Seinfeld show. | ||
| He's dropped so many of his ATM material. | ||
| Can you imagine if he got divorced and just started doing ecstasy and hitting the club? | ||
| Well, I realize I'm almost dead. | ||
| And I'm rich, so I only go ass to mouth. | ||
| They won't go ass to mouth. | ||
| I don't want to talk to them. | ||
| Why do I talk to you when she'll go ass to mouth? | ||
| You explain it to me. | ||
| You say I'm stupid. | ||
| Jesus. | ||
| She'll go ass to mouth and you won't. | ||
| Put it in her ass? | ||
| Seems like simple math. | ||
| I just put it in her mouth. | ||
| Why are we arguing when I can just be driving a Porsche? | ||
| Yeah, I mean, you know that you go see him, you're not going to get a midget joke. | ||
| You're not going to get some... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But part of establishing yourself as a comic is you got to know who's going to say fucked up shit. | ||
| And the comedians that say fucked up shit to me... | ||
| Even if I don't laugh at it, I'm not particularly fond of midget jokes, but I love the fact that a guy is going to do a joke about anything. | ||
| You're not going to worry about pissing people off. | ||
| You're just going to do fucked up. | ||
| So you're in a certain frequency that I enjoy comedy-wise. | ||
| If I was just a fan, if I wasn't a comedian, I would totally go see you. | ||
| I'd be psyched. | ||
| Because of that element of danger, because of that element of, you know, fucked up-edness. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, thanks, man. | ||
| But isn't it? | ||
| I mean, it's like... | ||
| Don't you feel the same way? | ||
| Like, it's your favorite kind of comedy to watch, right? | ||
| I mean, it's why I think I... I mean, I got into comedy because I love comedy. | ||
| And the guys, like... | ||
| I always say it, and I guess it's not entirely fair, and I'm aware of that, but in my mind what I say to people who, as a fan, who don't do things like that, I just, in my mind, go, I'm going to be bored. | ||
| I want to see somebody Do something fucked up. | ||
| Talk about fucked up shit. | ||
| I want to hear jokes about drugs and sex and fucked up things because that's what makes me laugh. | ||
| So that's what I want to see. | ||
| And I want to see people that work in that circle. | ||
| That's what interests me. | ||
| Yeah, that's all that interests me too. | ||
| And for the longest time, I was told that that was the wrong kind of comedy. | ||
| I was told that you shouldn't do that kind of comedy because it's cheap and easy jokes. | ||
| But I was like, but God, that's what I want to hear. | ||
| Yeah, that's what you like. | ||
| When I knew a guy was coming into town, I remember when I first started doing stand-up, I went to see a bunch of stand-ups when I first started, my first year of comedy. | ||
| I was real lucky because at that time in Boston, there was a couple big national clubs. | ||
| There wasn't a lot of national clubs back then. | ||
| There was an improv in New York. | ||
| But there wasn't even an improv in LA yet. | ||
| Not an improv in LA. There wasn't even an improv in Boston yet. | ||
| There was an improv in New York, an improv in LA, and the Boston one opened I think in like 89 or 90 or something along those lines. | ||
| So guys who wanted to work and travel the country, there wasn't as many options as there is now. | ||
| So we would get top level headliners in every week. | ||
| Catch a Rising Star in Cambridge. | ||
| I don't even know if it's open anymore. | ||
| I think it went under, which is a goddamn shame. | ||
| I saw Kevin Meaney there. | ||
| I was in high school. | ||
| I just graduated high school when I saw Kevin Meaney there. | ||
| I saw Rich Jenny there. | ||
| I saw so many comics that were big name headliners come through. | ||
| And I always enjoyed it when they were fucked up. | ||
| I remember I would go way out of my way if I knew that a guy was going to do some crazy shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Talk about some crazy shit. | ||
| If it went, it went nutty. | ||
| And if it didn't go nutty, I understood. | ||
| I understood. | ||
| But I would get a giddy joy if Doug Stanhope was doing his... | ||
| Have you heard his new bit about fantasy football? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Uh-uh. | |
| Phenomenal. | ||
| It's so fucked up. | ||
| First of all, Doug's crowd is so much different than my crowd. | ||
| They're very different. | ||
| They're very different. | ||
| There's a lot of crossover, but his fucking people are hammered. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Hammered and talking. | ||
| I mean, they were so loud. | ||
| We went to see him in Cincinnati. | ||
| We went to Go Bananas, right? | ||
| Yeah, we did our show at the Taft, and then we came over to Go Bananas. | ||
| Love that place. | ||
| We had a great fucking time. | ||
| Go Bananas is awesome. | ||
| And then we went next door to McLeavy's. | ||
| We went next door to the bar, and Stan Hope and I were bartending. | ||
| You were bartending, too, for a while, didn't you? | ||
| I bartended for a half hour. | ||
| I was still bartending. | ||
| You guys are gone. | ||
| I'm like, wait, why am I doing this? | ||
| Yeah, we were handing out drinks and giving away drinks for free. | ||
| I would give away like 10 drinks and then I would just take 100 bucks and throw it in the tip barrel. | ||
| I'm like, I don't know. | ||
| I go, I don't know how much this stuff costs, so I'm just giving people booze and I'm just going to start paying for it. | ||
| So I would give people, I was giving out free drinks and then I would throw money in that bucket. | ||
| I don't know if it evens out. | ||
| Like we were in Australia and you bought everybody that ever walked into a bar a drink? | ||
| We went off in Australia. | ||
| That was one of the few times in my life where we purposely decided to go deep. | ||
| Yeah, that was pretty fun. | ||
| Me and Tommy and Eddie Bravo, we were in Sydney and we went to the movies and we were super disappointed with that stupid fucking island movie. | ||
| Shutter Island. | ||
| Yeah, Leonardo DiCaprio. | ||
| Oh, psych, none of this actually happened. | ||
| I'm actually crazy. | ||
| We were so angry. | ||
| And we were angry at so many people that weren't angry. | ||
| That was more upsetting. | ||
| That was way more upsetting. | ||
| So many people like that movie. | ||
| So we decided to go Taiwan on. | ||
| And we went to this local bar and it just started. | ||
| We got some shots, we met some friends, made some friends, some nice people that were there, wanted to take a couple of pictures. | ||
| We took the pictures. | ||
| And then when somebody wanted to take a picture, I'm like, come on, motherfucker. | ||
| You want a drink? | ||
| Let's drink. | ||
| Come on, we're drinking. | ||
| And I just point at people. | ||
| You want a drink? | ||
| Who's in? | ||
| Who's in? | ||
| Are you guys in? | ||
| I was buying drinks for 20, 30 people at a time. | ||
| The waitresses were stacking trays of shots. | ||
| And just a giant group of people were all cheering and drinking. | ||
| And by the way, I think after that experience, that's the coolest way you can ever spend your first night in a foreign country. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's like, thank you for having me in your country. | ||
| Everybody gets drinks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was the most fucking fun. | ||
| I spent more money in that bar than I've ever spent in a bar. | ||
| I hope so. | ||
| It was thousands of dollars. | ||
| But it was so fun. | ||
| You were nice enough to tell people, we've been buying people drinks all night. | ||
| When we walked out, I was like, nah, we haven't. | ||
| He's been buying people drinks all night. | ||
| I brought $50. | ||
| Well, we were all together, so it's we. | ||
| Yeah, that was fun, man. | ||
| It was the way to do it. | ||
| Because it was like, when you're all drunk, when everybody's drunk, when you're dealing with 20, 30, I mean, how many people were there at the end? | ||
| Hundreds. | ||
| We had a lot of people who were drinking that place. | ||
| Yeah, there's hundreds of people, dude. | ||
| And we're high-fiving people. | ||
| But we made sure that everyone was fucked up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So we were all on the same boat together. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| And it was very friendly. | ||
| Everybody was happy and everybody was friendly. | ||
| And people were all like, huggy, high-five, take a picture. | ||
| You know, they were all friendly. | ||
| The waiters were happy. | ||
| The bartenders were happy. | ||
| They were all laughing. | ||
| It's like, the fact that you can make a moment like that happen. | ||
| But goddamn that I paid for it the next day. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo! | |
| You did a business manager call. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, hey, hey, what happened? | |
| No. | ||
| No, in my head. | ||
| No, the money was well spent. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because my dome was fucking pounding. | ||
| That's a lot. | ||
| That's a shit thing to do, too, because the next day, like, I had to really fire up to do the show. | ||
| I was, like, noticeably slower. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know? | ||
| And I think I was probably even noticeably, like, slow the next day when the UFC was on. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's like, yeah, probably, man. | ||
| I got drunk. | ||
| I mean, that was pretty goddamn drunk. | ||
| You can't get that drunk and bounce... | ||
| Bounce right back. | ||
| We were also that drunk coming off of that flight. | ||
| Sixteen hours. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| Or whatever it is. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then we didn't... | ||
| Our bodies already went past... | ||
| When we should have gone to bed, which probably, I don't know, in the early evening or something, we rode that out into late night there. | ||
| So we did a full day and change over. | ||
| They say you should do that, though, to reset your clock. | ||
| They say just have one day where you just stay up. | ||
| Just stay up. | ||
| So that way when 10 p.m. | ||
| the right time rolls around, you're going to be so fucking tired if you could just power through. | ||
| But if you take a nap, you could fuck the whole thing up. | ||
| Well, I've had that where you wake up and you're like, where the fuck am I right? | ||
| Like, really scared for a moment, like, that you don't know where you are. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, I had that happen before. | ||
| The worst is when you're in England and you can't go to bed until, like, 6 a.m. | ||
| Because it's... | ||
| Eight hours ahead or something, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's probably like in that seven, eight. | ||
| Australia's like a whole day. | ||
| That's a whole day, yeah. | ||
| Which is even nuttier. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, that's a bizarre trip. | ||
| I did South Africa, and that was like a half, I think it's like a 12-hour difference. | ||
| It's pretty great. | ||
| Like, it throws you over. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How many hours is that flight? | ||
| It was from Atlanta. | ||
| They do a direct 15 and change to South Africa. | ||
| Direct from Atlanta. | ||
| How long were you there for? | ||
| Almost three weeks. | ||
| Oh, Jesus. | ||
| It was great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was it? | |
| I loved it. | ||
| Fantastic. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Loved it. | ||
| What was so great about it? | ||
| Everything. | ||
| I mean, people were so goddamn nice and friendly and appreciative. | ||
| The shows were all fantastic. | ||
| We got treated great. | ||
| It was a blast then. | ||
| So did you have any prejudices about going to Africa? | ||
| Not really. | ||
| I knew that once it was booked, the only thing that you have to think about is disease stuff, so you have to get certain shots, but I thought it was going to be fun. | ||
| I'd heard good things about doing stand-up in South Africa for a while now, so I was totally excited. | ||
| I'm all about anywhere I get an offer abroad, I get excited about it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Why do you get excited? | ||
| I just think it's fun, man. | ||
| I mean, it's my job, and then somebody would want to see me do this thousands of months. | ||
| I like checking out places, so it's fun to go to Australia. | ||
| It's fun to go to South Africa, England. | ||
| That's all entertaining to me. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's fun. | |
| I just remembered your opening joke when we were in Australia. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, shit. | |
| Do you remember it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, what was it? | ||
| About being on the plane for so long that you think you're dreaming. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Am I dead? | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Do you remember the bit? | ||
| Yeah, and I mean, you think about my dad and you get off. | ||
| And you said, well, I must be in heaven because there's no black people. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That was for... | ||
| It was so fucked up! | ||
| That was your opening joke at Sydney. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But they ate it up. | ||
| Well, it was a joke. | ||
| It was a joke. | ||
| It's like what you said at the very beginning. | ||
| And everybody knew it. | ||
| Nobody was like, that's fucked up, man. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| It was a joke. | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| It was funny. | ||
| And they have a totally different feeling for black people than we do as well. | ||
| Because that's not like their cultural underclass. | ||
| Their cultural underclass is not like former slaves. | ||
| It's Aborigines. | ||
| Right. | ||
| It's like a totally different sort of a holocaust that happened over there. | ||
| The slavery is like this whole dark period of American history, this shameful period. | ||
| Their is shameful, but it's shameful towards the aborigine people. | ||
| It's a totally different sort of underclass. | ||
| I made a joke there that they didn't think was so funny about that when I went back and went up to Melbourne. | ||
| But it was a joke, man. | ||
| Right, but Melbourne would be more sensitive. | ||
| They were more sensitive, but really who was most sensitive wasn't really the room. | ||
| It was the press, like the guy writing the review. | ||
| It's not like the room lost it. | ||
| It's that it made its way into an article. | ||
| About how offensive and racist and stuff it was. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Well, most people that are going to write articles about something get excited to be upset about something. | ||
| Oh, it's so fun! | ||
| Because even if we're talking right now and you're like, write about how fucking much you hate American Airlines. | ||
| And you're like, alright, here goes a blog. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And I can tell you this story and I just write... | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| It's fun to write that. | ||
| Did you read that one... | ||
| There's a review of a Guy Fieri, whatever the fuck his name is, restaurant in Manhattan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes. | |
| It was so scathing. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| It went public where people were like, what the fuck? | ||
| It was such a brutal review. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I wonder how accurate it was. | ||
| Well, I imagine it's somewhat accurate. | ||
| Must be. | ||
| But some of... | ||
| The hatred for that restaurant comes from that guy's feeling about Guy and not the restaurant. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. | |
| If you took Guy out of the equation and you just sent him there, it would not be as vicious. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, absolutely. | ||
| Yeah, absolutely. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, it's also the hype that comes with that. | ||
| I mean, if you want to be a celebrity chef... | ||
| You better knock my dick into the dirt when I come to your fucking place. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And to go there and to get some, you know, whack-ass Applebee's dried up wings. | ||
| A bacon apple burger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And you're like, all right. | ||
| The whole celebrity chef thing, it's a very odd thing, isn't it? | ||
| Like, all of a sudden, we had Julia Child, and that was it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For the longest time. | ||
| Who else did we have? | ||
| Who else is a celebrity chef? | ||
| Was there a man celebrity chef ever? | ||
| The French guy, right? | ||
| The French guy. | ||
| The Galloping Gourmet. | ||
| Remember that guy? | ||
| Mm-mm. | ||
| No? | ||
| I remember the guy who's been on TV for years now, the French guy. | ||
| What French guy is that? | ||
| Older French chef. | ||
| I forget his name. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But he's been on TV. Borganty, Borganty, Borganty. | ||
| Ah, all right. | ||
| Well, whatever. | ||
| I mean, everyone knows. | ||
| It's a fascinating thing, because it's like, all you had was like... | ||
| Like a couple of examples. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And then Wolfgang Puck got famous. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| He's been big for a while now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I feel like he's the one that made... | ||
| Emeril got famous for a little bit. | ||
| People were like, will you shut the fuck up with that bam? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Stop that. | ||
| Because he was like, bam! | ||
| He knew that like... | ||
| He needed a tagline. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Yeah, but he just shoved it right down our throat. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And then we got Bourdain, which is awesome. | ||
| Well, Bourdain's the first, I think, example of what a kitchen's really staffed with. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, wild punk rocker type dudes with Mexicans working side by side. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he's honest about the experience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| So that's why it's awesome. | ||
| Yeah, and he has a genuine passion for cooking. | ||
| I never worked in a kitchen other than in high school. | ||
| I did work for Papa Gino's in the kitchen. | ||
| I worked at Newport Creamery making burgers and stuff like that, but I've never worked in a real restaurant. | ||
| But he had an episode once where they showed him actually working in a restaurant, like, keeping up with all these orders as they came in, timing all this food, and how hard it is. | ||
| How much of a fucking stressful, like, high-stress, fast-paced gig it is. | ||
| It's like, wow. | ||
| He really opens up your eyes to how difficult and how much artistic Like, flair is involved in the culinary arts, you know? | ||
| Fantastic. | ||
| There's a guy who's getting more famous now, who's in that front, is Chef Ludo. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| No. | ||
| Did you just make this guy up? | ||
| No, I swear to God. | ||
| I'm ready for you, you fuck. | ||
| He's a French guy. | ||
| He was doing pop-up restaurants here in LA. What's a pop-up restaurant? | ||
| Where they go, like, they find a space of an already existing restaurant, and they go, um, from this, from, like, March 5th to May 1st, my restaurant is gonna, I'm gonna operate here during these hours and these times. | ||
| Like, it's typically a place that does breakfast and lunch, let's say. | ||
| We're gonna do dinner from now on. | ||
| And, except he's this amazing chef, so it'd pop up, It would fill out. | ||
| Every night would be booked out. | ||
| And then he would shut shop and then go away for a while and do whatever he does and then be like, hey, July, I'm coming to Venice. | ||
| I'm going to take over that one restaurant. | ||
| How did you let people know? | ||
| Well, the word of mouth really spread. | ||
| My cousin is the one that let me know about it and we went there and we ordered one of everything on the menu. | ||
| It wasn't like full portion size, it was like tasting style and it was just incredible and it's the kind of place you walk away and then you start telling people. | ||
| It really spreads like wildfire and then now He was on a food show last year. | ||
| He's a judge on that show that Bourdain is hosting. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| What is that? | ||
| I forget. | ||
| He's hosting a new show. | ||
| It's a judging thing. | ||
| I think it's a food tasting thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And Ludo is one of the guest judges on that. | ||
| And that dude has a fried chicken truck in LA that is unreal. | ||
| You've got to go to his food truck. | ||
| How do you find a food truck? | ||
| It's on Twitter. | ||
| It's online. | ||
| Will you look for Chef Ludo's fried chicken truck? | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| And you can find out where it is from Twitter? | ||
| Yeah, because you follow them and they're like, we're parked at, you know, whatever, Hollywood Boulevard and Highland. | ||
| And it's that good? | ||
| Yes, definitely. | ||
| Is it always online? | ||
| I tracked it down one time and it was... | ||
| No, it wasn't too crazy. | ||
| It was actually... | ||
| They were actually wrapping up for the day. | ||
| Ludo Truck. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This ain't your mama's fried chicken. | ||
| Dude, it's crazy good. | ||
| I'm not kidding you. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's that good? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| What could be so good about it? | ||
| There's just something about the... | ||
| The richness of the flavor of the chicken, the breading, the fried part itself just has a flavor to it. | ||
| It's phenomenal. | ||
| And so are the other things they have there. | ||
| I feel like, Ludo Truck, you should send me some shit now. | ||
| Yeah, you should. | ||
| What the fuck, Ludo Truck? | ||
| Ludo Truck. | ||
| I don't know how they're going to fuck with... | ||
| Hook me up. | ||
| I mean, it seems like it's like a good idea and everything like that, but do they have waffles? | ||
| It's not his main thing. | ||
| Do they have waffles? | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| Because how are you going to fuck with Roscoe's? | ||
| He's going to be on Melrose tonight. | ||
| How are you going to fuck with Roscoe's if you don't have waffles? | ||
| You're not going to fuck with Roscoe. | ||
| I just started following him. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Roscoe's are the shit, dude. | ||
| Roscoe's chicken and waffles are so hard to fuck with. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| So good. | ||
| And you get those collard greens with it too, so you give yourself an illusion of vitamins. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| And throw hot sauce all over the chicken and extra butter, extra syrup. | ||
| Oh my god, I'm so hungry. | ||
| Because you know you're going deep. | ||
| You know you're going deep. | ||
| You guys want to eat? | ||
| Want to eat some food after this? | ||
| You know you're going deep. | ||
| Waffles. | ||
| And they're American waffles. | ||
| Not those fucking big gay Belgian motherfuckers. | ||
| Those big fluffy cloud waffles. | ||
| That's not a waffle. | ||
| That's a pastry. | ||
| That's a loaf of bread, you fuck. | ||
| A real waffle. | ||
| Those little skinny, tight ones that you get at a Waffle House. | ||
| That's a real waffle. | ||
| You do a lot of syrup? | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| A lot of butter and a lot of syrup. | ||
| Because I'm not trying to be healthy. | ||
| Eat waffles, asshole. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| I'll punish myself later at the gym. | ||
| Trust me, I'm disciplined. | ||
| But right now I'm going to eat the fuck out of this waffle. | ||
| And I'm going to have a regular Coke. | ||
| Fuck a Diet Coke. | ||
| Because why play games? | ||
| Sugar, sugar, sugar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm not playing games. | |
| I'm going to pretend I'm going to have a Diet Coke. | ||
| No, I'm going to have a regular Coke and a cup of coffee. | ||
| A cup of coffee is to allow me to stay conscious long enough to walk to the car. | ||
| You got me super excited about this shit right now. | ||
| Fuck yeah! | ||
| There should be a Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles in every country in the world. | ||
| It's one of those experiences you don't forget because somebody pitches it to you and you're like, what? | ||
| If you've never had it, what's that? | ||
| The chicken's very, very, very good, too. | ||
| It's delicious fried chicken. | ||
| And it's very home-style fried chicken. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It tastes like somebody made it in their house. | ||
| Whereas sometimes you get a Kentucky Fried Chicken, it's so uniform and it has a certain amount of sodium taste to it that it's like, this is a mix. | ||
| You eat Roscoe's, it feels like somebody actually cracked some eggs, actually dipped the chicken in it, actually rolled it in flour, and deep fried the fuck out of that shit, son. | ||
| What's up, Roscoe's? | ||
| I'm Pico. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I see you. | |
| I see you, Pico. | ||
| Oh shit, son. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Holla out to Roscoe's on Gawa. | |
| Yeah, that's a beautiful combination. | ||
| It's fantastic. | ||
| It didn't seem like it would work, you know? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If you looked at it on paper, you'd be like, how's this going to work? | ||
| Fucking chicken and waffles. | ||
| Why would I want to have those two together? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| One or the other, you fuck. | ||
| No, it's perfect. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, boy. | |
| Are you excited now? | ||
| I want to go get chicken and waffles. | ||
| Excited. | ||
| So, before we wrap up, I've got to talk to my little buddy, Brian. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| And say, what did you think about our guest with the crazy UFO talk, fella? | ||
| I've got to pick for you. | ||
| Oh... | ||
| While being nice. | ||
| While being nice. | ||
| I mean, he said he could talk to aliens, right? | ||
| He did say that, right? | ||
| At one point he said that when he was younger he found a way to communicate. | ||
| He meditated and through conscious thought and meditation was able to Have something that he was describing that sounded to me very much like a drug experience, like a psychedelic drug or a meditation experience, some sort of a breakthrough sort of… Yeah. | ||
| I mean he seemed like a nice guy and he seemed intelligent. | ||
| But my bullshit meter just was out of control. | ||
| And when that happens, there were so many things I wanted to like… I don't know, man. | ||
| I don't buy any of it. | ||
| Well, I respect the guy for coming on and talking, and I don't know whether or not he's right or telling the truth. | ||
| And I don't feel it's ever true. | ||
| I mean, I have in the past. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| I'm not a hypocrite. | ||
| I'm just a person who's evolved or tried to evolve my conversational skills. | ||
| And one of the things that I try not to do Is ever call bullshit if I'm not 100% sure. | ||
| I can believe, I can be like, I am positive this guy's full of shit. | ||
| But if I don't have any proof, how can I call bullshit? | ||
| I can call bullshit on some of the things he says if they don't make any sense. | ||
| You know, if some of the things he says don't line up with facts, you can call bullshit on that, but I don't really know whether or not he can actually do that until I go and see it. | ||
| So I plan on going and seeing it. | ||
| I mean, we're going to do that for that show, for Question Everything. | ||
| We're going to go. | ||
| We're going to go out to the fucking desert with him. | ||
| Eddie Bravo's going to come, too. | ||
| I just think it would be perfect, because Eddie loves him some UFOs. | ||
| And then... | ||
| And then there was the thing where he sits in the desert and he shines lasers in the sky and he says it's 100%. | ||
| And then you go to his YouTube page to see what he's talking about is 100% and it's like, One, why is he shining lasers at airplanes or up in the sky? | ||
| That's against the law. | ||
| But two, it's like his evidence is like, oh, you just see that flashing dot in the middle of the sky out of nowhere? | ||
| That's his alien communication. | ||
| And that could be a million things. | ||
| You see a little flashing dot. | ||
| A shooting star. | ||
| It could be, you know, just anything. | ||
| Oh, it gets way wackier than that. | ||
| It gets way wackier than that. | ||
| There's actually a video that I watched after the interview that I really wish I had watched before. | ||
| You know, I watch so much of that stuff. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But where he said that he was leading a crew and that they were inside of a craft at one point in time. | ||
| It was an interdimensional craft. | ||
| They're standing in the middle of the field and they sensed that he was like, and some people said they saw me disappear for a moment. | ||
| And as I... You know, crossed into this area and that, you know, we could see it in front of you like it was sort of like a fog. | ||
| Well, you know what we know is real? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fog? | |
| Fog's fucking real, okay? | ||
| So if you see fog, you should assume that shit is fog and not a fucking spaceship, okay? | ||
| And what was that thing at the end, also? | ||
| Like, I might have got this wrong, but it sounded like you said you can buy the movie, and then once you buy it, you can put it for sale on your website. | ||
| It almost sounded like he was saying it's a pyramid scheme. | ||
| Well, it's not a pyramid scheme. | ||
| It's a promotional scheme. | ||
| A pyramid scheme, there's really nothing of value. | ||
| The way a pyramid scheme works is you get money when you get other people to put in money. | ||
| So say if you're the guy who starts the scheme and you have three people that are in the scheme with you and you say, listen, if you get a dude to give $100 for every $100, you get $25 and you start making money. | ||
| That's what I think he's saying. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That's not a pyramid scheme. | ||
| You don't understand that. | ||
| A pyramid scheme is at the end, you find there's nothing of value. | ||
| And at the end, what it is is it depends on more people donating money than there's people extracting money. | ||
| And as soon as the people want their money, you're fucked because there's no money. | ||
| That's what happened with that – it's called a Ponzi scheme. | ||
| That's what happened with – Bertie Madoff. | ||
| Bertie Madoff, yeah. | ||
| That's what it was. | ||
| There was no actual value to anything. | ||
| What he's doing is he's offering you, he has this video, and if you put a link on your site and he's selling the video for five bucks, he's selling a product, And if he's selling this video for five bucks, if you put a link on your site and the clicks go through your site, it registers. | ||
| And so you get a piece. | ||
| Whatever that piece is, it's negotiated. | ||
| Whether it's ten cents a video or a dollar a video, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| I don't know how much you get. | ||
| But whatever you get, he's saying that he wanted to do that to spread the wealth and encourage people to promote the video because it would be financially profitable for them as well. | ||
| Which is actually admirable. | ||
| I mean, that's a cool way to do things. | ||
| If you decided to put a link on your site and you made $1,000 in a month off of his video, that's your money, man. | ||
| And you helped him. | ||
| You helped him, you got the video out, which is what he wanted, and you got some money. | ||
| So nothing wrong with that. | ||
| It's not a pyramid scheme. | ||
| A real pyramid scheme is a lie because there's nothing of value. | ||
| But this is a movie. | ||
| I know what you're saying. | ||
| This is an actual product. | ||
| What is the movie? | ||
| It's called Serious. | ||
| His whole thing is... | ||
| It's very sketch. | ||
| And it's... | ||
| Look, I should say, first of all, that... | ||
| I don't disbelieve in aliens. | ||
| I don't disbelieve in the idea that we've been contacted before. | ||
| But I have never seen anything that was compelling to me as far as visual evidence, as far as eyewitness testimony. | ||
| I've never seen anything compelling that made me 100% sure That that person had seen something from another planet. | ||
| Or that this video was something from another planet. | ||
| I've seen some wild shit, but I don't know exactly what it is. | ||
| And I'm not privy to all of the various pieces of information that go into... | ||
| Whatever the fuck happened? | ||
| We see a thing that's flying across the sky. | ||
| Who knows what that is? | ||
| One of the things I asked him, he said, we have a photo of a being. | ||
| It looks like an ethereal being. | ||
| I go, how do you know that's not a video artifact? | ||
| Well, it's not an artifact. | ||
| Well, how the fuck could you possibly know? | ||
| Like, there's a lot of artifacts. | ||
| Yeah, that hologram thing he was talking about. | ||
| I was like, are you kidding me? | ||
| You're actually saying that's like a hologram, dude? | ||
| He's saying he's an intradimensional being. | ||
| Look, there's a lot of confirmation bias. | ||
| And the reality of the UFO community, and this is, again, this is not saying everyone, and this is not saying that UFOs are fake. | ||
| But the reality of the UFO community is that it's filled with kooks. | ||
| Just like the psychic community, just like the Bigfoot community, just like the ghost community. | ||
| It doesn't mean that ghosts aren't real. | ||
| It doesn't mean Bigfoot's not real. | ||
| But it means a lot of those people are drawn to kooky shit. | ||
| And another thing, isn't like DNA nowadays fast enough where you take a little piece of that little alien dude and you could just be like, oh yeah, it's a baby. | ||
| Well, not only that, did you know that that alien dude, they found that fucking thing in like 2002? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They found that thing a long-ass time ago. | ||
| Yeah, we're at Michael's craft shop. | ||
| Where'd they find this thing? | ||
| They found it in the dirt somewhere. | ||
| He didn't want to tell us where he found it. | ||
| Yeah, he found it in a desert. | ||
| I don't think what he said afterwards, we're not even supposed to repeat. | ||
| So be careful. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Because he told us where it's being studied and shit. | ||
| But the bottom line is, he set himself up, okay? | ||
| So here's either they do the genetic work and it really is being done at this high-level Ivy League We're good to go. | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| If they actually run a test, but to say that you did a test and to say you got results coming, you set yourself up. | ||
| Because it's one or the other now. | ||
| It's either bullshit or it's something. | ||
| And if it's a rubber doll, I'm going to be upset at you. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| I think that's a test that is like a week. | ||
| A week DNA test. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think it takes that long. | ||
| Like if there's a fire in a car, The police can go, okay, we found human remains because we checked its DNA as human DNA. Isn't that something fast? | ||
| It seems like it is. | ||
| I do not know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| And how does he know how to use a camera yet? | ||
| Well, let's Google. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's the whole thing. | ||
| Is this a guess you had on? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's like the Bigfoot thing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's the biggest UFO guy. | |
| Well, he only saw two. | ||
| Bobo only saw two. | ||
| Dr. Greer. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Dr. Greer, Alien Autopsy. | ||
| All those are fucking bullshit, though. | ||
| The autopsy films? | ||
| Yeah, that's what he's got. | ||
| He's doing it. | ||
| Dr. Greer, Alien Body. | ||
| I just don't like it if he is lying. | ||
| If he's a bullshit artist, I'm upset. | ||
| If he's bullshitting artists, I am going to send shit to his house. | ||
| Okay, I'll just say this. | ||
| At least a small percentage of what he was saying smelled like bullshit. | ||
| The anecdotal stories, the way they were coming out, somebody described them like bad scenes in a movie, and he said this and I said that. | ||
| Sometimes people just sort of paraphrase, though, and that could be responsible. | ||
| You're telling a story over and over and over again after the course of so many years. | ||
| Sometimes people sort of paraphrase what actually was said and they put it into almost like a script form. | ||
| And that could have been what that guy was doing because it did sound like fiction. | ||
| Yeah, it also sounded like I noticed that whenever you would ask him a question that kind of threw him off or whatever, he would go into this weird voice where he just suddenly goes, like it got really quiet and calm. | ||
| Like his voice changed into this really weird Volume. | ||
| It just goes really low. | ||
| Look at this. | ||
| They think they have an alien body. | ||
| Look at that thing. | ||
| What do you think that is? | ||
| I think that's a very old human body. | ||
| It's six inches long. | ||
| They have a ruler next to it and everything. | ||
| But couldn't that be from... | ||
| It could be fake as fuck. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| It could be a child. | ||
| Or it could be so old that it's like when the... | ||
| Well, he doesn't know. | ||
| I mean, he said, I mean, in his defense, he said he doesn't know what it is. | ||
| And he said they're doing tests on it. | ||
| Yeah, but if he found it that long ago? | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| I don't know when he got a hold of it, though. | ||
| He told us. | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| It was a long conversation. | ||
| We talked to the guy for three hours. | ||
| It's going to be, hey guys, yeah, we ran tests. | ||
| It was a guy who 12,000 years ago... | ||
| This is in January of 2013, and it says that the studies will take around two months, possibly longer. | ||
| So they just started the testing in January. | ||
| So that's why they haven't gotten... | ||
| Who's doing these testing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
McAfee? | |
| McAfee! | ||
| What happened to McAfee? | ||
| McAfee's balling. | ||
| He's in Texas trying to sell his house in Belize. | ||
| Do, do, do, do. | ||
| Do, do, do, do, do, do. | ||
| Yeah, he's got his 20-year-old third world hottie with him. | ||
| He's getting his freak off. | ||
| Good for him. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| If he really did find an alien, like, holy shit. | ||
| Can you imagine? | ||
| That would be really fascinating and ironic. | ||
| If there was a guy who was a charlatan who was a total UFO hoaxer, but someone gave him a real alien. | ||
| And I'm not saying that Greer is a charlatan. | ||
| I don't think he is. | ||
| I think... | ||
| First of all, he's dealing with a really nutty group of humans, the UFO community. | ||
| And I think if that's your base, and that you're communicating with them only for decade after decade, and most of this was sort of instigated on your part before the internet, so he was involved in the UFO community before people were even online a lot, before Twitter, before even MySpace. | ||
| He was online, and he was known through You know, the world from these YouTube clips and shit like that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He was already before that. | ||
| He had been long before the Disclosure Project. | ||
| He had put that together for years. | ||
| So he had always been involved with all these nutty people. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And when you're involved with nutty people, especially the nutty UFO people before the internet, like, you got a lot of adjusting to do. | ||
| Once the Thor hammer of reality comes down. | ||
| And sometimes guys adjust really poorly. | ||
| So they still have a lot of bullshit in their game. | ||
| They might have a few things that are real that they're investigating that are beyond understanding. | ||
| It's very possible. | ||
| But there also might be some fuckery mixed in there too. | ||
| Real fuckery. | ||
|
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|
Real serious fuckery. | |
| And you've got to be real careful. | ||
| One of the things is... | ||
| Somehow or another, he's drawing an income from all this. | ||
| He wasn't really that open about it, but I know that he takes people out into the desert and gives them alien encounters and shit, and he charges money for that. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Yeah, and it's like several days, and you take a bunch of people out there and make some cash. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You saw some shit in the sky, son. | ||
| It almost makes me say that you shouldn't even bother dealing with this one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| Because it's all so obvious. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It's both. | ||
| It's fascinating. | ||
| He's certainly marketing himself and he certainly brought up his site a lot. | ||
| But it's also – here's the question. | ||
| What would you do if you knew that there really was some sort of encounter with humans and aliens? | ||
| If you knew that there had been a series of events that had been swept under the rug and covered up, and you start making a living doing something different, but this fascination with UFOs gets in the way, then all of a sudden you have to quit your job. | ||
| And then as you're quitting your job for something that you absolutely believe in but is totally ridiculed by everyone around you, then what if you have to figure out how to make a living off of this thing? | ||
| So maybe it's that. | ||
| Maybe the guy's legit, but it's this Trying to profit off of it, which gets people to go, hey, what's your motive? | ||
| Hey, how come I got to pay you to go to the desert? | ||
| Hey, what'd you do with all the money you got from this donated movie? | ||
| Hey, how much did you claim on your taxes? | ||
| Where'd you get that money? | ||
| Where's it coming from? | ||
| You're writing books? | ||
| You're selling the books? | ||
| You're doing lectures? | ||
| You're doing this? | ||
| You're taking people out into the desert? | ||
| You're profiting, okay? | ||
| This is obviously how you make your living now. | ||
| Not that there's anything wrong with that. | ||
| If he's legit. | ||
| If he's sincere. | ||
| But when you have those elements, people automatically get skeptical. | ||
| And then there's the part of, like, extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence. | ||
| And when you're claiming crazy shit, you should have photos and video ready to go at the drop of a hat. | ||
| And when I was questioning them about where can I see these photos, like if you have photos, you shouldn't, first of all, if you have something that's really important for people to see, and you are a researcher, and your whole gig is about trying to get the truth out, You'd put that shit online the moment you got it. | ||
| You'd make sure it goes viral. | ||
| If you're holding it back and only putting it in your documentary, I got to go. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I mean, I see you're trying to make some money, but what you're doing is contrary to the path that you need to follow to be taken serious. | ||
| Especially a scientific path because somebody that wants to tell you the truth about a huge – something that would have that type of impact on the world and the way it operates, you don't go as somebody that's pursued this For my whole life, I have the answer. | ||
| I want you to give me five bucks first before I tell you about it. | ||
| But it also could be, again, I have to be fair, it also could be that he doesn't understand how he's coming off. | ||
| It also could be that he really, truly has had these experiences, but now he's in a scramble. | ||
| I try to figure out how to make some money off of it. | ||
| There's a fascinating website that details Hillary Clinton's meetings with the Rockefeller family. | ||
| It's really crazy. | ||
| And in one of the photos, Hillary Clinton is walking, and she's got this book with her. | ||
| And people tried to figure out what book it was. | ||
| They did a close-up of the image. | ||
| It's a book on extraterrestrial encounters. | ||
| It's about are we alone in the universe? | ||
| And the book is all about what we would do if we got contacted by an alien race. | ||
| And she's walking with Rockefeller who had given her that book. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So she's walking along in his ranch in Wyoming. | ||
| He's worth about a fucking billion trillion dollars. | ||
| He's at the top of the financial food chain. | ||
| And he's exactly the person that this guy, Dr. Stephen Greer, was telling us would have access to this kind of information and would want to, you know, figure out what we do. | ||
| You know, what do we do about the banking system? | ||
| What do we do about the military? | ||
| What do we do when and if aliens do come? | ||
| And so he's walking around meeting a woman who ran for president, was the wife of the president, the secretary of state, and then wandering around his fucking ranch, and she's got an alien book in her hand that he gave her. | ||
| Is that photo, the original photo, is it published anywhere? | ||
| Respectable? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yup, very good question. | |
| So let's search for the hoax. | ||
| Hillary Clinton. | ||
| Another thing you could do is take the Hillary Clinton photo and save it to your desktop and then Google image search it and find similar images and see if they all have that. | ||
| Because somebody has made that a Twilight book cover, for sure. | ||
| Okay, let's see if it's Hillary Clinton, Rockefeller, Alien, Book, Hoax. | ||
| Shades of Grey. | ||
| Fifty Shades of Grey. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Well, there's also some documents about Rockefeller wanting to talk President Clinton into... | ||
| These were released by the Freedom of Information Act, that Rockefeller was trying to talk President Clinton into releasing information about aliens. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Yeah, and that Rockefeller was requesting information and they wouldn't give it to him, and he had a meeting with Clinton. | ||
| Yeah, this is pretty trippy, man. | ||
| The book, Lawrence Rockefeller apparently was fascinated with UFOs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He was, the dude was, he was obsessed. | |
| Yeah, maybe he's just like, you know, just like you. | ||
| Maybe just a little guy that likes aliens and conspiracies. | ||
| Yeah, could be. | ||
| Just, that's it. | ||
| That's how simple it is, you know. | ||
| Except he could actually call the government and ask for cash. | ||
| Or ask to give them cash for things. | ||
| I mean, he, like, established funds and shit. | ||
| Along with his niece, Anne Bartley, the stepdaughter of Winthrop Rockefeller and the then president of the Rockefeller Family Fund, he established the UFO Disclosure Initiative to the Clinton White House. | ||
| They asked for all UFO information held by the government, including from the CIA and the U.S. Air Force, to be declassified and released to the public. | ||
| The first and most important test case where declassification had to apply, according to Rockefeller, was the Roswell UFO incident. | ||
| This is fascinating. | ||
| Why didn't Greer talk about this? | ||
| Why doesn't he know about this? | ||
| Because these are all government freedom of information documents. | ||
| It seems like something you would be into if you were dedicated to the cause. | ||
| Yeah, it was in 1995 the Clintons went to talk to the Rockefellers. | ||
| It was when Hillary was married to Bill and Bill was the president. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the motherfucker gave her a book on aliens. | ||
| Come walk with me. | ||
| Let's talk. | ||
| I want to talk to you about something for real. | ||
| I want to talk to you about some real shit and tell your daddy. | ||
| Go home and tell daddy that I want to know. | ||
| I sit at daddy's desk every day. | ||
| Tell Bill. | ||
| Tell Bill I want to know what's up. | ||
| Every day I get to sit at my daddy's desk. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Creepy old fuck knows. | ||
| So fucking creepy. | ||
| And Bill Clinton apparently couldn't, you know, according to Rockefeller, or according to the people who talked about this, Bill Clinton couldn't get any information out of him. | ||
| They didn't want to tell him. | ||
| They shut him down. | ||
| That's one of the things that Greer was saying. | ||
| Greer was saying that these presidents, like people that want to get access to information, that it's not like you become president, okay, come on, we're going to tell you what's up. | ||
| Like, no, you don't need to know that. | ||
| You just need to be the president. | ||
| Go do your shit. | ||
| But I'm like, well, who does know? | ||
| And then that's the real weird part. | ||
| If he is right... | ||
| That is how I think it would go down. | ||
| If he's telling the truth, I really do think that the people – same people that can keep something as crazy as the federal bank in place when it's not really a branch of the federal government at all but they call it the federal bank, the same people that can keep the military-industrial complex moving in the same rate that it's moving now, those would be the people that would know about the UFOs. | ||
| There must be – if you believe that corporations control the earth, which – It's kind of obvious at this point. | ||
| Corporations run everything. | ||
| So there's got to be people at the head of these corporations. | ||
| Who are they? | ||
| There's people like these old dudes with this fucking UFO book. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So he might be right. | ||
| He could be right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He could be right. | |
| What do you think, Brian? | ||
| Is he right? | ||
| No. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Just throw that out there like that. | ||
| No, I actually don't know. | ||
| I want to believe him, but you know, there's just too much fishy in my mouth. | ||
| There's definitely a potential for fuckery. | ||
| There's a lot of fuckery potential. | ||
| It's that little creature thing that drives me the most crazy. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| To me, it's just like, alright, wait, so we're going to find out the day. | ||
| That the movie releases? | ||
| Is that set up that way? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| I think he said the information was going to come out that week. | ||
| You've got to come with me, though, man. | ||
| You've got to come. | ||
| It's going to be fun. | ||
| We should film it. | ||
| What are you going to go to? | ||
| Film it. | ||
| We're going to go to his premiere. | ||
| It's going to go to the premiere of his movie. | ||
| I can't go now. | ||
| I'm going to have to wear a wig or something. | ||
| You can go. | ||
| You didn't say anything wrong. | ||
| You said what you believe. | ||
| You didn't do anything wrong. | ||
| Prove me wrong. | ||
| Look, the internet is probably predominantly on your side. | ||
| If I had a guess, I know my message board, and this is no disrespect to Dr. Greer, but my message board, 90% of them thought he was full of shit. | ||
| 90. And I'm not bullshitting. | ||
| When I looked at the thread, it was pretty overwhelming that most people were calling fuckery. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But that's, again, when you make an extraordinary claim, you have to provide extraordinary evidence. | ||
| And if you don't have that extraordinary evidence, it becomes very difficult to convince people. | ||
| So if he really did have these experiences and he really does know all this information, that's all well and good. | ||
| You can't go around telling people unless you have something you can show them. | ||
| You need the hard evidence. | ||
| They don't want to hear it. | ||
| And it can't be you have to open this door and take this ride. | ||
| You've got to be able to just show people hard evidence. | ||
| I mean, I guess you do. | ||
| What do you do, though, if an alien really does abduct you, really does take you away? | ||
| If you really do know, what the fuck do you do? | ||
| No, I know. | ||
| If there is no evidence that you can gather. | ||
| But I'm saying if your best evidence is, watch my film. | ||
| Then it leads people to embrace not believing you. | ||
| Yeah, I agree. | ||
| And looking right now, it looks like that DNA test to find out a simple basic DNA test to see if something's human or whatnot takes less than 24 hours. | ||
| Less than 24 hours to find out if something's human. | ||
| Yeah, meaning like if I threw a piece of bologna at you and you're like, oh my god, that's a human, you can take it to the DNA lab and they'll go, no, it's bologna. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So would they be able to distinguish between an animal and like a monkey baby or a monkey fetus or a human fetus? | ||
| Would they be able to do that? | ||
| Yeah, because it's pretty much just the human markup. | ||
| Our human DNA is... | ||
| What's the smallest monkey? | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| There's a really tiny monkey, right? | ||
| Spider monkey? | ||
| No, they're way bigger. | ||
| There's some really small primates. | ||
| Maybe it was like a dried out really small primate. | ||
| Of course it could be. | ||
| It doesn't necessarily have to be even a human. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Finger monkey. | ||
| I wonder how long it would take to find out whether or not someone was a monkey or a person. | ||
| It was six inches? | ||
| Wow, look how small that is. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a baby! | |
| Yeah, that's pretty small. | ||
| Yeah, and if that was all like, all its hair fell off and somebody ate its tail. | ||
| That's what it looked like that came out of my belly button. | ||
| That probably lives in your asshole. | ||
| You probably don't even know about it. | ||
| It lives in there. | ||
| It's like a mouse in the house. | ||
| The happiest little monkey, too. | ||
| He's got a little fucking setup in there. | ||
| I remember Brian's asshole. | ||
| He's got a barrier he sets up whenever Brian's taking a shit. | ||
| Goes past it. | ||
| He blocks off an area that he's got cordoned off in Brian's ass for his house. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He helps push the shit out. | |
| Do you have a hard time shitting, Brian? | ||
| No, it's almost like someone's pushing it. | ||
| Because someone is. | ||
| You got a fucking little monkey inside your ass. | ||
| Little monkey in your asshole, man. | ||
| With a shovel. | ||
| And he's pumping shit out of your ass. | ||
| Don't act like you wouldn't enjoy it. | ||
| Stop shaking your head. | ||
| I don't want this monkey in my ass. | ||
| Too late! | ||
| Alright, let's go get something to eat. | ||
| This fucking show's over. | ||
| Tommy Segura, how can people get your CD? Oh, you can go to TomCigarette.com and click on the store or you can go to iTunes. | ||
| Powerful iTunes. | ||
| Powerful iTunes. | ||
| And my site also has a link to, if you don't use iTunes because people always want an option that's not iTunes. | ||
| Right. | ||
| There's a link. | ||
| You can download it from CD Baby on a link on my site. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| Christina and I are going to do a live Your Mom's House comedy tour. | ||
| So we're going to Seattle May 18th. | ||
| And then I think we're going to do Portland the next day. | ||
| But the Seattle link is up. | ||
| I just tweeted it. | ||
| Are you doing both comedy and also doing... | ||
| No, just live stand-up. | ||
| Just live stand-up. | ||
| Or live podcast. | ||
| Excuse me, stand-up. | ||
| Just stand-up. | ||
| No podcast. | ||
| No podcast. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| But I'm saying it's the two of us. | ||
| We don't ever hit the road together. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| So it's the two of us. | ||
| Oh, that's awesome. | ||
| It's supposed to be fun. | ||
| Yeah, that should be a good time, man. | ||
| We've never done that before. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I would have thought you guys would have done that a long time ago. | ||
| No, I mean... | ||
| Because of the popularity of your podcast, you're allowed to put together shit like this now? | ||
| Yeah, it's all... | ||
| You've just done the 100th episode, I heard. | ||
| And I heard you had an awesome guest. | ||
| Red Band did our 100th episode, man. | ||
| And we talked about how you are the one that got us started with it. | ||
| So that was pretty cool. | ||
| I'm so happy. | ||
| I'm so happy you did. | ||
| And so have you been experiencing a lot more people coming out to, like, fans of the show? | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| And they're the best fans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's awesome. | |
| They're the most amazing people at the shows. | ||
| So, yeah, I got a bunch of... | ||
| It's been great. | ||
| And our goal is to get to the point where we can do what we're doing in Seattle and... | ||
| In a bunch of different places. | ||
| And still play like the good clubs that we love playing, but try to take a little more control of where we're doing it and what we're doing. | ||
| Yeah, I mean you should be able to book shit now because your podcast has been going on for a couple years now, right? | ||
| How many years? | ||
| We're over two, so we're going into our third year. | ||
| That's strong. | ||
| It's amazing how if you just stick with something, all of a sudden, boom, there's two years gone. | ||
| With us, it's three. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| We're three years in now. | ||
| And you guys, I remember doing, I was telling somebody, I'm on one of your first 15, sitting on a couch. | ||
| And I just remember, we'd lean up, you're like, sit closer to the mic, man. | ||
| And I'd sit back, and then you're like, sit closer to the mic. | ||
| And I kept scooching back, but yeah, and then now you have a whole goddamn studio. | ||
| Yeah, we resisted for a long time. | ||
| But you really embraced it now. | ||
| Now, yeah. | ||
| Well, now it's more important than anything else I do. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Now it's more important than, I mean, really, I hate to say it, it's more important than the UFC. As far as for my stand-up gigs, it's way more important. | ||
| Like this weekend, one of the things that Trippie's, our buddy Tony Zara from our message board, He came down this weekend and it was interesting hearing him talk about the difference in the shows. | ||
| He used to come see me at the Punchline when I was there. | ||
| The Punchline in Columbus. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| Funnybone? | ||
| Columbus. | ||
| Funnybone. | ||
| Funnybone in Columbus. | ||
| Great club. | ||
| It was a little tiny place. | ||
| But this time we're at the Palace Theatre and there's fucking 2,400 people there. | ||
| It was crazy huge. | ||
| And it's this beautiful place and it's packed. | ||
| And he was like, the nutty thing was like, people were so nice and friendly. | ||
| And between all the jokes, everybody was like real quiet and respectful. | ||
| He goes, it was nuts. | ||
| He goes, it was fucking nuts. | ||
| Everyone's got Desquad t-shirts on or Higher Primate t-shirts. | ||
| It's like this crazy, positive, fun environment. | ||
| And all of that's attributed to the podcast. | ||
| It's all attributable to people that, you know, they've seen the podcast, they've seen the stand-up. | ||
| It's changed everything, man. | ||
| It changes the world. | ||
| It's for Diaz. | ||
| It changed the world for Diaz. | ||
| Diaz is constantly rattling off. | ||
| If you haven't seen Diaz's podcast, it's the church of what's happening now. | ||
| You can get it on iTunes. | ||
| If you go to Mad Flavor on Twitter, you can find out when he's doing them live. | ||
| I did his a couple weeks ago, and he told me a story about when he went to football camp as a kid, and it was Jack Lambert's football camp. | ||
| Do you remember Jack Lambert? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| He was a very famous Pittsburgh Steeler linebacker, like had his teeth missing because he was such a fucking animal. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And he walked into the bathroom, and Jack Lambert was taking a shit In one of those old school locker rooms where they don't have doors on the stalls. | ||
| And that he was shaving in the shit water. | ||
| I almost fucking had a heart attack. | ||
| That's old school. | ||
| If you want to laugh your dick off, go to Joey's Church of What's Happening Now, where I'm a guest on, and he tells that story, and it's piss your pants. | ||
| I'm going to get that and listen to it on the way home. | ||
| It's so fucking funny. | ||
| I got that iPod app, the iPhone podcast app. | ||
| Have you ever used that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| It is amazing. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| I was bored with the shit that I had on my iPod. | ||
| Why? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It has horrible reviews. | ||
| I think it's great. | ||
| I have no problem. | ||
| I mean, I use Stitcher. | ||
| People hate everything. | ||
| They hate themselves. | ||
| Ninety percent of the hate you're getting out on all these people online is they hate themselves. | ||
| I went to a restaurant the other day. | ||
| They got three stars. | ||
| And I read the reviews. | ||
| So many people were just shitting on it. | ||
| It was amazing. | ||
| Because I had heard it was amazing. | ||
| People were like, oh, this new Italian restaurant opened. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| It's not cheap. | ||
| I mean, it's pricey. | ||
| But the dishes were... | ||
| Fantastic. | ||
| In LA? It's out in, like, West Hills. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But it was, like, five-star restaurant. | ||
| It was, like, in my eyes. | ||
| I was like, wow, this place is amazing. | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| The pasta was fresh pasta. | ||
| You know, it's like, the way they, I mean, it was legit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then I read the reviews. | ||
| It's like, people are just cunts. | ||
| People get upset about restaurants when they didn't get the seat when they thought they were going to get it, though. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| One star. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| This is a fucking—and there was a cut hostess, and you're like, all right. | ||
| Our waiter spilled water. | ||
| One star. | ||
| Fuck you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But in the podcast app, like the other day, I was in my car, and I said, you know what? | ||
| I'd like to listen to Dan Carlin's Hardcore History. | ||
| So I'm at a fucking red light, okay? | ||
| And I go, man, I have time here. | ||
| Let's see. | ||
| Bang it real quick. | ||
| At a red light. | ||
| In the time that it took for the light to create, I go hardcore history. | ||
| It opens up. | ||
| Mongols. | ||
| Ding. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Play. | |
| Bang. | ||
| Play. | ||
| Play. | ||
| It's playing, and it's playing on my fucking car through Bluetooth. | ||
| Just like that. | ||
| Instantly streaming. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Not a glitch in it. | ||
| And for the next hour home, I listen to the history of the Mongol Empire, which is fascinating. | ||
| Dan Carlin's Hardcore History, we had him as a guest on the podcast a couple weeks ago, and now I'm addicted to his podcast. | ||
| It's excellent. | ||
| If you're into crazy stories about history and the wars and this whole shit about Genghis Khan, there's a series he's doing right now. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's so nuts. | ||
| It was only 1,200. | ||
| That was a few hundred years ago. | ||
| This motherfucker was just crazy. | ||
| Carving his way across the world. | ||
| Yeah, I'd love to listen to that, man. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| And I got it immediately at a red light with that podcast app. | ||
| So if you don't like the podcast app, go fuck yourself! | ||
| Yeah, it introduces you, I mean, to the podcasting to so many fans, too, that you didn't know existed. | ||
| Like, you always tend to think of, I mean, you've had, obviously, like, way more exposure and, you know, being on television, but, like, You forget when you do just the podcast that there's people downloading it all over Canada, all over Australia, UK, and now... | ||
| Yeah, all over the world. | ||
| All over the world. | ||
| And that now we can go and do... | ||
| I'm going to do Toronto, and it's all because of the podcast. | ||
| I'm doing that underground comedy club. | ||
| That place is awesome. | ||
| I heard that place is awesome. | ||
| It's fucking awesome. | ||
| I'm going there in May. | ||
| Duncan just got back from there. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| He said it was a fucking incredible experience. | ||
| I'm so excited to go. | ||
| I'm going early in May. | ||
| And the beautiful thing about podcasts and the impact of podcasts is that if people don't like the podcast, it's not successful. | ||
| It's really that simple. | ||
| They don't take off unless people like them. | ||
| So no one's promoting it. | ||
| It's totally democratic. | ||
| It's totally organic. | ||
| It either happens or Or it doesn't happen. | ||
| So the people that enjoy our podcast, thank you very much. | ||
| We appreciate the fuck out of it. | ||
| I know you do. | ||
| I know you appreciate. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| It's like the greatest opportunity to have your own show that could have ever existed. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| There's nothing else that comes close to giving you the kind of freedom. | ||
| We're number one right now. | ||
| Suck it. | ||
| Suck it. | ||
| Suck upon it. | ||
| But we're very happy. | ||
| So thank you everybody that came out this weekend. | ||
| Brian, say thanks to everybody. | ||
| Yes, thank you very much. | ||
| Everyone was so nice. | ||
| So nice. | ||
| And pretty powerful Death Squad group there. | ||
| A hundred people before the show even started met at this event. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| They're starting like chapters in every state. | ||
| They're organic. | ||
| Completely organic. | ||
| Death Squad Ohio. | ||
| Death Squad Connecticut. | ||
| Death Squad Florida. | ||
| Completely organic. | ||
| Death Squad PA. I hear you. | ||
| We have juggalos. | ||
| We basically have juggalos. | ||
| We have a new type of juggalo though. | ||
| It's like Fight Club. | ||
| They're nice. | ||
| They get their shit together. | ||
| They're eating kale shakes, lifting weights. | ||
| I talked to 100 people that lost fucking 100 pounds or more. | ||
| I mean, I'm not joking. | ||
| I talked to 30 people this weekend that said I changed their life. | ||
| And it happens every time we do shows. | ||
| The weirdness of it all and the unexpectedness of it all is the inspirational aspect of it. | ||
| Never thought that that was going to happen. | ||
| Never thought that people were going to take these crazy rants just getting pissed off and talking shit about things or breaking things down and take them and put them in YouTube clips and then those YouTube clips would get hundreds of thousands of views. | ||
| I mean, it's millions for some of them. | ||
| It's really crazy. | ||
| It's incredible, man. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| You affect people's lives. | ||
| But it's all organic. | ||
| No one ever planned to do any of this, and that's the most beautiful thing about it. | ||
| I'm headed right now from here. | ||
| We're going to get something to eat, and then I'm going to do David Cho's podcast. | ||
| Looking forward to that. | ||
| Love that dude. | ||
| You've got to come to ours soon. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We keep talking about this. | |
| I would love to! | ||
| Let's make it happen! | ||
| Powerful Tom Segura. | ||
| Follow him on Twitter. | ||
| Tom, S-E-G-U-R-A. And follow Red Band on Twitter, R-E-D-B-A-N. If you go to DeathSquad.tv, you can find information on all the different shows that Brian will put on a show every month or so, including this Friday night at the Ice House in the Little Room, which is the dopest room of all time. | ||
| I might come down. | ||
| I want to see what I'm doing Friday night, but if I have time, I'm going to come down and do a set. | ||
| Wednesday the 13th? | ||
| March 14th. | ||
| We have Tony Segura. | ||
| Yoshi is going to be there. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Tony Segura? | |
| Who the fuck is Tony Segura? | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| Tony Hinchcliffe. | ||
| How dare you? | ||
| Yoshi. | ||
| Yoshi just joined us. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah, Billy Bono and Jason Tebow at the American Comedy Co. | ||
| March 14th. | ||
| That's next Thursday. | ||
| Tickets are at AmericanComedyCo.com. | ||
| And that is a really dope little place. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| Shout out to Yoshi. | ||
| People that are asking me about Montreal. | ||
| Montreal was sold out a long time ago. | ||
| I'm there with powerful Ari Shafir. | ||
| And we're doing the Jimbo's Comedy Club. | ||
| It's the tiniest little place. | ||
| It seats like no bullshit. | ||
| I don't even think it seats 100 people. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The last time I was there, I did the Palladium, I think it's called. | ||
| 2,200 people. | ||
| And now you're doing a tiny 100 seat? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| But it's my friend Jimbo. | ||
| See, I've been working for Jimbo since I think I first worked for him in 92 or 93. Yeah. | ||
| It's somewhere around then. | ||
| It was before I ever moved to California. | ||
| I was living in New York. | ||
| This is really cool. | ||
| And he's just the nicest guy ever. | ||
| And he's so nice. | ||
| I alternate whenever I do Montreal. | ||
| When I do Montreal, I do a big theater. | ||
| And then the next time I come in town, it's a few months later, whatever it is, I do his tiny club. | ||
| That's cool. | ||
| That's so cool. | ||
| It's fun for me. | ||
| It's fun to do. | ||
| It's a cool-ass place. | ||
| But unfortunately, it's sold out, bitch! | ||
| That's really cool, Joe. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got way cooler. | |
| It's an awesome place. | ||
| And then the 22nd and the 23rd is the next time on the road. | ||
| I'm going to be at Zaney's in Nashville, another small club. | ||
| I got a gang of new shit. | ||
| That I'm working on. | ||
| And so I decided to book myself in a really small place. | ||
| And Zany's in Nashville is fucking great. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When are you doing that? | |
| That's the 22nd and 23rd. | ||
| So that's... | ||
| I'm just trying to put all this shit into a form. | ||
| I'm trying to do my next special in August. | ||
| Are you really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| I'm trying to figure out where to do it. | ||
| Yeah, I've got an hour and 20 minutes now. | ||
| This past weekend, it was so solid. | ||
| It was like this new shit that I have. | ||
| It's like a lot of it is ideas that I've had before. | ||
| I just didn't know where to put them. | ||
| So it's coming along really quick. | ||
| So I figured, fuck it. | ||
| Let's get that ball rolling again. | ||
| That's great, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because I have a new process that I'm doing. | ||
| And one of the new processes is work on what I have now, add to it, but also stockpile. | ||
| So I'm doubling up on my writing. | ||
| So I'm trying to have... | ||
| Four big writing sessions a week. | ||
| That's my goal, is to get to four major writing sessions a week. | ||
| So three days, I don't write at all, but four several-hour writing sessions. | ||
| Just write, write, write. | ||
| Yeah, and one blog a week. | ||
| So that's my other new goal. | ||
| Is your writing session just free-form writing? | ||
| Just like whatever stream of consciousness? | ||
| Yeah, whatever I want to write about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's cool. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| It could be sports. | ||
| It could be my dick. | ||
| It could be poop. | ||
| Dick with your sports. | ||
| It could be dick and poop with sports. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That sounds like a good show. | ||
| That's a good show. | ||
| Dick and Poop with sports. | ||
| That's like a good, like, two radio guys that talk shit and don't want anybody to know their name. | ||
| I'm Dick and this is Poop. | ||
| We're Dick and Poop with sports. | ||
| Alright, you fucks. | ||
| Listen, we love the shit out of you people. | ||
| And we appreciate all of your support. | ||
| We appreciate all the positive energy that we get. | ||
| I say this all the time, but I can't say it enough. | ||
| We feel incredibly fortunate. | ||
| It's a very unusual place to be in in life. | ||
| And... | ||
| You know, I understand that, and I appreciate that, and I'm very thankful. | ||
| So, people keep coming. | ||
| Please don't stop doing the podcast. | ||
| I would never stop doing this fucking podcast. | ||
| I'll quit a lot of shit in this life, but I'm not going to quit this podcast. | ||
| We will always produce it in some form or another. | ||
| Go to rogan.ting.com to support our sponsor, Ting. | ||
| Sign up. | ||
| They'll give you $25 either off the service or off one of their groovy phones. | ||
| Go to Onnit.com. | ||
| That's O-N-N-I-T. Use the code name ROGAN and save yourself 10% off any and all supplements. | ||
| Tomorrow, we have Diamond David Lee Roth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woohoo! | |
| One of the baddest motherfuckers to ever walk the face of the planet. | ||
| He will be here tomorrow. | ||
| And then Friday, of course, Dr. Amit Goswami. | ||
| And he's going to school us on the nature of reality. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Sounds cool, man. | |
| You crazy fucks. | ||
| All right. | ||
| We love you. | ||
| We'll talk to you soon. | ||
| Thank you. |
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