Nov. 28, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:57:18
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| Oh, sweetness! | ||
| The Joe Rogan Experience podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net, click on the link for The Fleshlight, and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| I have used it. | ||
| Our guest today, Bert Kreischer, can neither confirm nor deny. | ||
| But I did have a run-in in Miami that seemed close to it. | ||
| I don't know what that means. | ||
| It's called sex in a can. | ||
| Oh, it's the same thing? | ||
| Same guy, but it looks like a beer can. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And there's the lips. | ||
| You got a lips version? | ||
| Yeah, which is not cool. | ||
| You have some dude looking back. | ||
| You're like, come on, dude. | ||
| Seriously? | ||
| It looks like a dude's lips? | ||
| That's what it does to me. | ||
| It doesn't look like a chick's lips. | ||
| It doesn't look like a chick anyway, right? | ||
| Well, at least a vagina you can guess. | ||
| Yeah, I think they have one form of it where it's anonymous. | ||
| It's neither a butthole nor a vagina. | ||
| It's just sort of a hole, which is probably the best move. | ||
| Yeah, just a hole, a nondescript. | ||
| No one's looking at it getting turned on by this little circle of fake vagina. | ||
| Just like a hole like you're in Thailand on vacation. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about, dog. | ||
| Enter in the code name Rogan, you'll get 15% off the number. | ||
| I'm trying to shorten these things because I drag them on forever. | ||
| We're also brought to you by Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T, makers of AlphaBrain. | ||
| Today is, what is today's date? | ||
| It's the 28th. | ||
| This is the 28th. | ||
| It's just Cyber Monday. | ||
| So if you're hearing this on November 28th and if you go to Onnit.com and enter in the code name Cyber, then you get 25% off just for today. | ||
| Today is Cyber Monday. | ||
| You ever heard of Cyber Monday? | ||
| Yeah, I tried to buy a Zoom H2Z. Do you know what I'm talking about, Brian? | ||
| That's an MP3 player? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And I tried to buy it on Cyber Monday. | ||
| Because apparently Black Friday. | ||
| Last Black Friday, my dad shit his pants on a Banana Republic. | ||
| He shit his pants. | ||
| Shit his pants in a banana republic. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I was buying a jacket, this leather jacket, and he wanted a sweater, and all of a sudden he comes up, he's got my daughters in his hands, and he goes, buddy, buddy, we're about to have a problem. | ||
| I said, what's the matter? | ||
| And he goes, I'm about to shit my pants. | ||
| And we're in Beverly Hills. | ||
| He goes, what do I do? | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| I said, I think you just shit your pants, Dad. | ||
| You're fucking 60 years old. | ||
| You just shit your pants. | ||
| He goes, I gotta go. | ||
| And he walked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| He shit his pants in Beverly Hills and walked to his hotel. | ||
| How far is the walk? | ||
| The Pretty Woman Hotel. | ||
| We were on the Banana Republic in Beverly Hills and he walked to the Pretty Woman Hotel. | ||
| We shit in his pants and then got up to the house and he was like, that wasn't bad. | ||
| That hasn't happened in a long time. | ||
| Did his underwear contain this shit, or did it dribble down his legs? | ||
| I have no idea, but when he was in his 30s, he used to shit his pants all the fucking time. | ||
| Like, my dad shit his pants on the reg. | ||
| Like, it was... | ||
|
unidentified
|
On the reg. | |
| On the reg? | ||
| He shit... | ||
| I had a nickel for every time... | ||
| This is before cell phones. | ||
| Listen, this is too good of a story to use up during this commercial. | ||
| Oh, come on! | ||
| We're in a commercial. | ||
| We're going to tell him, we'll play the music, and then I need to hear about your old man shitting himself. | ||
| I really do need to hear this. | ||
| But we need to get this out of the way or people go fucking crazy. | ||
| So, anyway, today, Cyber Monday, we're going to get right back to your old man shitting the pants story. | ||
| Just people have been complaining so much about the length of these commercials, and I agree. | ||
| That's why I'm continuing to drag it out right now. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link every day, you get 10% off. | ||
| Click on the link for AlphaBrain, you get 10% off if you enter in the code name Rogan. | ||
| And today, and only today, is the 25% sale. | ||
| We also have a new product called New Mood. | ||
| And New Mood is a 5-HTP supplement. | ||
| It's also got L-tryptophan, which your body slowly converts to the building blocks. | ||
| I was listening to you when I was in New York. | ||
| I'll get you some. | ||
| I want it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's good stuff. | |
| It's good stuff. | ||
| 5HTP in and of itself. | ||
| And as we say on all these products, there's a 100% money back guarantee. | ||
| You don't even have to return it. | ||
| You just eat it. | ||
| You don't like it. | ||
| You get your money back. | ||
| And if you think that it's too expensive and you're interested in Nootropics, please look it up online. | ||
| There's plenty of great articles and great pieces written on Nootropics. | ||
| If you want, just steal our ingredient list and make your own and save some money, okay? | ||
| But if you want to buy from us, go to onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. And today, you get 25% off with the code word CYBER. All right, you dirty bitches. | ||
| Bird crisis in the house! | ||
|
unidentified
|
The fucking machine has returned! | |
| Train by day, Joe Rogan podcast by night, all day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In our long drawn out commercials that I do to sponsor this podcast, to keep it free, ladies and gentlemen, because otherwise it would be unbearable if we couldn't make money from this fucker. | ||
| Burt Kreischer was telling, what I smell might be one of the great stories. | ||
| Your dad, who used to shit his pants all the time in his 30s. | ||
| In his 30s, all the time. | ||
| How long would you say the story began with you saying that he shit his pants recently? | ||
| He shit his pants in a Banana Republic in Beverly Hills. | ||
| And it was like the real coming of age part of my life when my dad looked at me and he was like, buddy, I'm about to shit my pants. | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| Here's the worst part. | ||
| Here's the fucking worst part of it, right? | ||
| So I look at him and I go, just shit your pants, dad. | ||
| I think you gotta shit your pants. | ||
| I go, shit your pants a little bit and then walk as far as you can and get to your hotel. | ||
| And he just left my daughters with me, like fucking dropped them and was like, I'm fucking out of here. | ||
| And so he started walking down Rodeo or whatever, you know, Burton or one of those roads to get to his hotel, right? | ||
| So my mom comes up and she's like, where's your dad? | ||
| And I said, oh, he left me this sweater. | ||
| I got to buy it for him. | ||
| I ended up buying him the sweater and I go, he had to shit his pants. | ||
| She goes, what do you mean he had to shit his pants? | ||
| I go, he had to shit, so he shit his pants. | ||
| And then he just, he's walking down the street. | ||
| I go, I'm sure we can catch him. | ||
| He's walking slow. | ||
| And then my wife comes up. | ||
| She goes, where's your dad? | ||
| And I go, he shit his pants. | ||
| She goes, why didn't he just use the bathroom? | ||
| I said, where's the bathroom? | ||
| She goes, downstairs. | ||
| And I went, I probably should have told him that. | ||
| You didn't think there was a bathroom there? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I was in panic mode. | ||
| It was Black Friday! | ||
| And I'm waiting in line, too, and I got a leather jacket on sale. | ||
| Well, it's even worse, I think, if you shit your pants in line for the bathroom. | ||
| Because then everybody's going to know if there's a big line of people and you just... | ||
| You just dump in your pants. | ||
| Then you're like close proximity to other people. | ||
| There's no way to play off shitting your pants. | ||
| When you shit your pants... | ||
| I say this. | ||
| Shitting your pants is a lot like getting a DUI. You roll the dice so much and get away with it that when you do get caught with your hand in a cookie jar, you're like, motherfucker! | ||
| I... I never thought that was going to happen. | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I shit my back on a DUI. I do this all the time. | |
| Why today? | ||
| Oh, that's so true. | ||
| But in his 30s, he was running marathons, and he used to shit his pants all the time. | ||
| I'm not even saying like, oh, once a month. | ||
| I'm talking once a week. | ||
| This is before cell phones, too. | ||
| And he was in his 30s? | ||
| He was in his 30s. | ||
| I was a kid. | ||
| We were living in like North Tampa, not in like the nicer North Tampa, but in the shittier redneck versus black North Tampa. | ||
| And the first time I ever heard the N-word was in this neighborhood. | ||
| But my dad used to run marathons, so he'd run like five miles, 10 miles, and he'd go out. | ||
| And on these 10-mile runs, he'd shit his pants. | ||
| So he'd go into these orange groves, shit himself, right? | ||
| Clean himself the best he could, and then run home. | ||
| But, there were some nights, I remember these distinctly, it was before cell phones, where it would get dark, and my mom was like, we gotta go look for your dad. | ||
| And we'd be driving his route where he'd run, and all of a sudden, like a naked, half-naked, my dad would come out of the fucking orange grove, like, I'm here! | ||
| Get me in the car! | ||
| Right now, if he, I hope he... | ||
| You knew you would come get him? | ||
| Oh, he just would, yeah, it would be, I remember thunder and lightning, and he's just sitting in an orange grove, naked, like, had to shit his pants. | ||
| And we'd be like, over here! | ||
| And he'd be like, alright! | ||
| And he'd just hop in the front seat. | ||
| Go home! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's go! | |
| Like, real quick. | ||
| He'd shit his pants a lot. | ||
| He hates my stories. | ||
| I hope someone, if anyone is listening to this, knows my dad. | ||
| Let him listen to this. | ||
| Because every fucking story I ever tell, he fucking always goes, God damn your fucking imagination! | ||
| That's not how it... | ||
| I did not shit my pants! | ||
| I shit a little bit... | ||
| I didn't shit my... | ||
| You're making people think I shit my pants! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah! | |
| He just squirts. | ||
| He's just a little squirter. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Let's call him on the phone. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| Let's get my dad on the phone. | ||
| See, this is a perfect example. | ||
| My dad and I are night and day human beings. | ||
| We were telling stories this weekend about one time... | ||
| Okay, one time, one morning, I thought... | ||
| My parents were out of town. | ||
| My little sister was 10. I was probably 21. I was drinking a lot at the time because I was party animal shit. | ||
| And I was pissing in a lot of places, like in the roundhouses. | ||
| I got pissed on my ex-girlfriend's dining room table and was walked in by her dad. | ||
| Dude, you want to talk about a fucking nightmare? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What?! | |
| Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You pissed on the dining room table of her house? | |
| Kristen Medock. | ||
| And her dad walked in and caught you? | ||
| Her dad, Larry Medock, in Orlando. | ||
| Larry, if you're listening, I'm guilty. | ||
| I never really accepted blame for it. | ||
| I always said it never fucking happened. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why did you do it? | |
| It was Thanksgiving. | ||
| It was right after the Rolling Stone magazine came out. | ||
| I go back to party. | ||
| What do you mean the Rolling Stone magazine came out? | ||
| The Rolling Stone in 1997 called me the number one party animal in the country. | ||
| Just for someone who doesn't know. | ||
| And then that was a big deal. | ||
| I became famous in Tampa, Tallahassee, Gainesville, Orlando. | ||
| Anywhere that people who went to Florida State lived, they knew who I was. | ||
| They were like, that's the fucking party guy. | ||
| So if I went out, shots... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Weed. | ||
| People put drugs in my hand. | ||
| It was fucking insane. | ||
| I'd get roofied. | ||
| I got roofied a couple times. | ||
| So you became a celebrity partier overnight. | ||
| I became the guy that I'd walk... | ||
| Before the article, I was just the loud, fun, shirtless guy on top of the bar getting everyone in a frenzy. | ||
| And then when the article came out, it was like the fucking linemen would come to the bar I drank at, Yanni's, and they'd pull me aside and they're like, you're drinking with us tonight. | ||
| We want to drink with the party animal. | ||
| And then I'd just be up with these linemen, like four linemen, and we'd be just doing shots and shots and shots. | ||
| And these guys are 350 pounds. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| I'm 218 at the time probably. | ||
| Like I threw 218 and probably more like 225. But... | ||
| And so I became like, I say famous, I say like reality show famous. | ||
| Like the way Snooki, her first season was, you know? | ||
| So that's how you were in your town, in your local community. | ||
| In Tallahassee, if I went, like right after that article came out, in Tallahassee, definitely. | ||
| In Orlando, I knew, 40% of the bar knew who I was. | ||
| In Tampa, everyone knew who I was. | ||
| And that's back when people actually read magazines. | ||
| It's before reality shows. | ||
| It's before the internet. | ||
| Before the internet is a big one. | ||
| It's like, you were in this, so I was on, Oprah called and wanted me to be on her show. | ||
| But she wanted my parents to be on too. | ||
| And mom was like, I'm not going to do that to my fucking parents. | ||
| So I did everything. | ||
| I did like, fucking, they sent, you ready for this? | ||
| This is how bizarre this period got. | ||
| ESPN sent a tour bus with two actors in it to come shoot a commercial of partying with me. | ||
| Of what it's like to party with the number one party animal. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| For the X Games, right? | ||
| They wanted to like... | ||
| And one of the actors was Johnny Knoxville. | ||
| Fucking bizarre as shit. | ||
| So Johnny Knoxville, we meet, and he says, you do drugs? | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| In my head, I'm like, yeah, I'm an adult. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| So we go into this tour bus. | ||
| I'd never done pills. | ||
| Like, pills? | ||
| And so he like pours... | ||
| Like Tylenol and shit? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Yeah, a little stronger probably. | ||
| Like Tylenol PM probably. | ||
| No, he just pours some Tylenols. | ||
| Whatever it was, he pours them in my hand. | ||
| And so I like thumb one, like finger one, hold it down. | ||
| And he gives me two and I pop one. | ||
| And then he starts passing a bone. | ||
| Oh, so you're being calculated about it. | ||
| I was like, I don't know what the fuck I'm taking. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| And I haven't started drinking. | ||
| I haven't done it. | ||
| Like I'm just like, what the fuck? | ||
| It's not like someone might not die of a fucking overdose around that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| But this is before Jackass. | ||
| Right. | ||
| They were just crazy. | ||
| This is like five, ten years before Jackass. | ||
| Yeah, those are wild dudes. | ||
| And Johnny Oxford's passing pills around, and he's lighting a bong, and we're getting bong hits, and he's putting in videos. | ||
| He's putting in videos of Bam Margera trying to break a bottle over his head. | ||
| And he's like, watch this! | ||
| And we're laughing our tits off. | ||
| This is well before anyone knows what the fuck this is. | ||
| And then I look at the other guy. | ||
| I forget the other guy's name. | ||
| But I go, what was that? | ||
| And he's like, Dilaudid. | ||
| You never had Dilaudid? | ||
| I go, what's Dilaudid? | ||
| And he's like, it's like pharmaceutical heroin. | ||
| It's awesome. | ||
| You're going to love it. | ||
| And I was like, thank God I only took one. | ||
| Jesus Christ, that's like what they used to give chicks in the Wild West movies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When they had an issue. | ||
| She's dying. | ||
| She needs some Dilaudid. | ||
| They give them Dilaudid. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So we end up partying all night. | ||
| We take this toy bus out, fill it up, dress as women, throw ourselves down the stairs. | ||
| Dress as women? | ||
| Fucking one of the craziest nights of my life. | ||
| You just passed over that. | ||
| Breaking beer bottles over our heads. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| It was the craziest fucking night of my life. | ||
| Did anybody get cut? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| In the head? | ||
| No, they were fake breakaway beer bottles. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| But we had seen Bam do it, and we thought it was funny, so we were doing it with these fake breakaway bottles. | ||
| Bam did it with a real bottle? | ||
| I think it was Bam and his posse, but it was the CKY posse. | ||
| They were trying to break a beer bottle over their head. | ||
| How did that happen that that became like a genre of entertainment? | ||
| Like that jackass, watch dudes do fucked up things and get hurt. | ||
| What happened? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I don't know, but I've made a living doing it. | ||
| It started off with like Charlie Chaplin falling down the stairs. | ||
| I guess ultimately it's like, yeah. | ||
| Like the Buster Keaton, like physical comedy. | ||
| I didn't see Jackass 3, but I laughed my ass off at the fucking trailer. | ||
| There's a bunch of movies that I just haven't gotten around to seeing, and that's one of them. | ||
| But when that guy walks in the door and the giant hand fucking clobbers him in the face and he goes flying, I'm sorry, that's hilarious. | ||
| That is fucking hilarious. | ||
| It's great. | ||
| It's funnier than... | ||
| I'm 39 years old with two kids, and it still makes me laugh at my tits. | ||
| It is like an advanced version of that Charlie Chaplin shit, right? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, that's exactly what it is. | ||
| It is, right? | ||
| And here's the other thing. | ||
| It's guys. | ||
| It's buddies. | ||
| They're all in it together. | ||
| They're a team. | ||
| Ridiculous retard shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Like when Johnny Knoxville put a fucking blindfold on and stood in front of the bull. | ||
| He's out of his fucking mind. | ||
| This is after he's already a movie star. | ||
| Yeah, and he doesn't need to do it. | ||
| And he was one-upping them, so they had to do it, and you're just like, this guy's out of his fucking mind! | ||
| He was doing movies with The Rock, and yet he would put a blindfold on and stand in front of a fucking real bull. | ||
| A real bull! | ||
| That was terrifying. | ||
| And the way he got launched, easily a horn could have gone through him. | ||
| Oh, I got mauled by a bull and I'll tell you right now. | ||
| Yeah, I got mauled by a bull and hurt Bert. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, this is before. | ||
| Were you riding it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| I was a rodeo clown. | ||
| They just taught me how to put the makeup on. | ||
| They're like, alright, you ready? | ||
| I go, hold on, I haven't learned anything. | ||
| And they're like, oh, stay away from the bull. | ||
| And I was like, that's it? | ||
| And then they pull the pin. | ||
| You hear the ring. | ||
| Where the gate opens, and a real fucking bull comes out. | ||
| Like a real bull comes, and we just met in my ribcage, and he broke my ribs and broke my foot. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Yeah, and then the producer, Tim Scott, says... | ||
| You say Tim Scott with a little bit of venom in your voice. | ||
| Because fucking I love the guy, but the cocksucker says to me, that was really good. | ||
| That's really good footage. | ||
| We're going to do it. | ||
| We need to do it like two more times. | ||
| What? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hold on. | |
| You're out of your fucking mind. | ||
| After you got your rib broke and your foot broke. | ||
| I have broken ribs and a broken foot and I'm sitting on the ground. | ||
| Wind knocked out of me just... | ||
| And he's like, well, it's only like eight seconds of footage. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And he goes, we need it to be a segment. | ||
| And the segment's three and a half minutes. | ||
| And we can't make a footage out of eight seconds. | ||
| I mean, if you watch it online, because I wouldn't do it again. | ||
| And they just replay it over and over and over. | ||
| That's pretty uncreative of him, that you couldn't come up with some sort of a way to fill that time where you would talk over it and describe when you realized what a terrible idea it was. | ||
| Yeah, that's what we ended up doing. | ||
| I can't believe that he was so irresponsible that he didn't ask you to do it again. | ||
| That's Tim Scott for you. | ||
| Why were you willing to do it in the first place? | ||
| I love Tim. | ||
| He's still a friend of mine. | ||
| I don't know Tim. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But he sounds like a douchebag. | ||
| No, he's in the Philippines right now. | ||
| He's not listening to any of this. | ||
| Good. | ||
| I mean, I'm sure he's a nice guy, but to ask you to do that after you broke your rib and your foot is crazy. | ||
| It was also like a... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We've talked about this a couple of times. | ||
| It was like a new discovery of... | ||
| There, this is me getting mauled by the bull right here. | ||
| So that's the bull, right? | ||
| That's not a baby bull at all. | ||
| And that's me. | ||
| Now, if you're on the clock, you're probably looking at like... | ||
| Right now is four seconds. | ||
| And... | ||
| They're cutting this up to make it look longer, but this is exactly how quick it took. | ||
| Just the bull comes and they go, alright, this is the... | ||
| Oh, dude! | ||
| And then right now I'm trying to run, but my foot's broken, so I can't stand on it. | ||
| Oh my god, dude, you got hit by a truck. | ||
| Yeah, I got hit by a fucking truck. | ||
| Back that just a little bit, just to the impact, Brian. | ||
| Let it play for a second, it'll start... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, it replays itself? | |
| I mean, it'll replay it, yeah. | ||
| No, back up a little bit more, Brian, so we can see the impact. | ||
| This is the first shot of the day. | ||
| We haven't shot anything right now. | ||
| All we've done is we've shot me put on makeup. | ||
| How much does that thing weigh? | ||
| It's got to be 800 pounds. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's it? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Yeah, I guess. | ||
| I don't think that's 800 pounds, dude. | ||
| I think that's a lot bigger than that. | ||
| Oh my God, that thing nailed you. | ||
| It hits me square. | ||
| I've never been hit that solid by anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course not. | |
| I said in the clip, I got hit in the mouth of a baseball bat. | ||
| I've been hit by cars. | ||
| I've been hit in a car accident. | ||
| But man, when that bull... | ||
| It's whole head connected with my whole... | ||
| And we met where my mic was. | ||
| Right now, this is after. | ||
| This is me going, I'm not fucking doing it again. | ||
| Look how pretty faced you were. | ||
| Look how skinny I was. | ||
| Oh my god, dude. | ||
| You got nailed. | ||
| Oh my god, look at that impact. | ||
| I know. | ||
| Holy shit. | ||
| And you're lucky the thing didn't stomp on your head. | ||
| Wait, watch. | ||
| You can see where it breaks my foot. | ||
| It doesn't look like those... | ||
| Look, watch. | ||
| Right here you go. | ||
| Down my leg and step on my foot. | ||
| That's the hoofprint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You sound different. | |
| I do, don't I? Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You got more cushioning in your face. | |
| It's filtered from your beard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dude, you got jacked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Jesus Christ. | |
| How many times have these guys been hit? | ||
| These are professional rodeo girls. | ||
| Oh, this guy's fucking... | ||
| We got dressed together and he was cut like all stitches, broken bones. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| connection with jackass and that i did a show very similar to it for six episodes we did six episodes but i met johnny knoxville after the rolling stone stuff the rolling stone stuff was crazy when that came out it was like being famous cut back to how i pissed on my girlfriend's table yes so thank you so that was like unwinding that was like untangling a necklace that I don't know how you did that. | ||
| So we go out in Orlando. | ||
| This is right after Thanksgiving when everyone's home. | ||
| So everyone I know from Orlando is at every bar all on Church Street, I think is the name of the street. | ||
| So we go out and it's fucking chaos. | ||
| with my girlfriend, her sister, and her sister's boyfriend, who was the coolest fucking guy, and he always had weed, so we go out, and everyone's buying me shots, we're getting fucking hammered, her parents had just bought a house, just bought this brand new house, just like, and it was their dream house, we had Thanksgiving together, we held hands, talked about how at the table, how this is everything, we've worked for guys as a team, we saved, we scrimped, anyway, we go back to her house, and I'm like, I'm not fucking done. | ||
| Like, I want to keep drinking. | ||
| And this guy Danny's like, oh yeah, me too. | ||
| So we get like a 12-pack of beer and we go out to the dock. | ||
| And that's all I remember. | ||
| Danny then, the next morning, recounts everything to me. | ||
| Because she walks in the first thing in the morning. | ||
| She's like, did you piss on my dining room table? | ||
| And I'm like, no. | ||
| Why would I fucking do that? | ||
| I'm a grown man. | ||
| I don't piss on tables. | ||
| She's like, my dad said he caught you pissing on our table. | ||
| I'm like, your dad is crazy. | ||
| He doesn't like me because I'm the party animal. | ||
| And he's trying to get me out of your life. | ||
| That's what's fucking going on. | ||
| And you can get out of the fucking room if you're going to blame me on shit. | ||
| Did you actually say... | ||
| I'm the party animal. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I'm sure. | ||
| I'm the party animal. | ||
| Do you know who the fuck you're talking to right now? | ||
| He wants me out of your life. | ||
| I'm the number one party animal in the country. | ||
| But something to the... | ||
| Yeah, I'm sure I actually use those words. | ||
| So anyway... | ||
| You probably had a t-shirt of it explaining it. | ||
| Did you ever think about getting I'm the party animal tattooed anywhere in your body? | ||
| I was thinking about getting a squirrel with a beer can and a cigarette that said the party squirrel on it one time. | ||
| The party squirrel. | ||
| Who's going to fucking question that tattoo? | ||
| So wait, tell me what you're tattooing about. | ||
| It's about a fucking party squirrel. | ||
| If I was a cop and I pulled you over and you had a party squirrel tattoo on it, I'd immediately take you to jail. | ||
| I'm like, I know this guy did something fucked up in the last couple months. | ||
| We just got to get it out of him. | ||
| We're just going to sit down and go, you know what you did, just tell me. | ||
| You know what you did? | ||
| Just tell me and we'll all get out of here early. | ||
| We'll get you a nice quick sentence. | ||
| Just tell me what happened. | ||
| I don't even know what you're talking about. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Alright, party squirrel. | ||
| Get back in your fucking cage. | ||
| She goes out to the breakfast table where her family is. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| How much piss are we talking about here? | ||
| In my head, it didn't happen. | ||
| In your head, it didn't happen. | ||
| You completely blacked out. | ||
| I swear to you, all my children right now, I laid in that bed, rolled over, and I went, how fucking bizarre is that? | ||
| Wait a minute, then. | ||
| How do you know your homie didn't fucking sell you down the river? | ||
| Maybe he pissed on the table and then said that you did it. | ||
| That's why he woke you up in the morning, he knew you blacked out, and then he blamed you for pissing on the table. | ||
| That's what's going through my head right now, is I roll back over, and I go, fuck this. | ||
| Or maybe you peed out of your butt. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| That would be called shitting. | ||
| But yeah, maybe. | ||
| No, that would be called a Brian train wreck. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Are you smoking a regular cigarette over there? | ||
| No, it's got weed in it. | ||
| So Danny, the boyfriend, comes in and his eyes are so excited. | ||
| He goes, I heard you pissed on their table. | ||
| And I'm like, no. | ||
| Why is everyone fucking saying that? | ||
| And he's like, because her dad walked in on you pissing on the table. | ||
| And I said, he's fucking lying. | ||
| He goes, man, he is pretty set in that he saw you pissing on their dining room table. | ||
| And I go, Danny, I don't remember fucking anything. | ||
| He goes, well, we got these beers. | ||
| We went out to their dock. | ||
| Do you remember that? | ||
| And I go, yes. | ||
| And he's like, and I had a joint. | ||
| And I go, okay, I remember that. | ||
| And he's like, and then you ate the joint. | ||
| And I was like, I don't remember that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| And he goes, yeah. | ||
| I said, hold this. | ||
| And you ate it and laughed. | ||
| And then we killed all the beers out there. | ||
| And I go, fuck, we did? | ||
| And he was like, yeah. | ||
| And then you start piecing back little things. | ||
| I go, did we get stuck in a phone booth last night? | ||
| And he's like, no. | ||
| We got locked in their food cabinet, like in their food closet. | ||
| Like a pantry? | ||
| In their pantry. | ||
| Because we were eating in their kitchen. | ||
| And this I start to remember. | ||
| I go, yeah! | ||
| So they had like a weird door? | ||
| The girlfriends come out. | ||
| It was a sliding door. | ||
| So we were eating and the girlfriends came out, the sisters, and they go, you're fucking making a ton of noise. | ||
| So me and Danny went into the pantry and shut the door. | ||
| But then we couldn't figure out how to open it because there wasn't a hand. | ||
| So you guys were hammered? | ||
| Inside a pantry. | ||
| And they shoved you in the pantry to quiet you down? | ||
| We shoved ourselves into the pantry so that we could continue eating. | ||
| We're like, we're going to bed. | ||
| They left. | ||
| We went to the pantry, shut the door. | ||
| And then I remember sitting in the pantry. | ||
| I do remember this distinctly. | ||
| It's us being in the pantry, thinking we were in a phone booth, laughing how hard they had all this food in this phone booth. | ||
| And we're like, can you believe this phone booth has fucking Doritos in it? | ||
| So then, that's all I remember. | ||
| So then, he says to me... | ||
| He goes, damn man, he's really adamant. | ||
| So he leaves. | ||
| I lay back down and I'm like, I can't believe I'm being framed for this shit. | ||
| All of a sudden, I start... | ||
| Do you ever have one of those where you remember the dream you had last night? | ||
| And I distinctly remember seeing her dad in his underwear in my dream. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What? | ||
| I'm like, wait, I did have a dream about her dad in his underwear. | ||
| That's odd. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And then I was like, but he was in here yelling at me. | ||
| It's not a dream. | ||
|
unidentified
|
He had sex with an old man. | |
| No. | ||
| What happened was, and then I start going, oh shit, this totally did happen. | ||
| I woke up in the middle of the night, walked out to their dining room table erect, and tried to go to the bathroom. | ||
| You know how you kind of try to lean it down? | ||
| So I must have been making a ton of noise at their dining room table, pissed on their dining room table, full-blown pissed on their dining room table. | ||
| You remember this now? | ||
| Now I'm remembering. | ||
| I'm like, oh shit, I fucking do remember this. | ||
| You remember being erect? | ||
| I just remember trying to pee. | ||
| You know how when you have one of those nights where you're in the bathroom and you're like, I can't get it. | ||
| You've got to lean forward. | ||
| So I'm leaning forward over the dining room table trying to piss, making a ton of noise, knocking everything off of it. | ||
| He comes out in his tighty-whities. | ||
| I remember that because she came back in and I go, does your dad wear tighty-whities? | ||
| And she goes, he does. | ||
| Why? | ||
| And I went, never mind. | ||
| You can't dream tighty-whities. | ||
| How old were you at the time? | ||
| I dream about tighty-whities. | ||
|
unidentified
|
20s. | |
| Let's say 26, 25. So here's the worst part. | ||
| He yells at me and he goes, where the fuck, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| And I said, I'm going to bed. | ||
| And he said, where's your bed? | ||
| And I pointed to the dining room table. | ||
| I go, right here! | ||
| And he goes, what? | ||
| So I David Blaine the tablecloth. | ||
| Pull it. | ||
| Lay on the bed. | ||
| On top of their table. | ||
| After you pissed at it? | ||
| In my own piss! | ||
| In my own piss! | ||
| In a Superman cape full of piss! | ||
| Just curtain myself up to the neck. | ||
| Go back to sleep. | ||
| And he gets me up and walks me into my bed and puts me back in my bed. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| What a nice guy. | ||
| Wait. | ||
| So our relationship was fucking doomed. | ||
| Like there was no... | ||
| I get up that... | ||
| He's a nice guy though. | ||
| He's a really nice... | ||
| Larry Maddock is a saint. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because if that happened to one of my daughters in my house, I would have beat the fucking kid's ass. | ||
| Would you really, man? | ||
| No. | ||
| Do it like that again, though. | ||
| I would beat the fucking kid's ass. | ||
| I like that. | ||
| I like the passion in your voice. | ||
| Have you ever considered acting? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I pee all the time when I'm really wasted. | ||
| If I black out drunk at night, I'll wake up and think, oh, I have to pee right now. | ||
| And I always put on a shirt the next morning. | ||
| I'm like, oh, why does this smell like urine? | ||
| Oh, I did it again. | ||
| I do it all the time when I drink a lot. | ||
| So when you drink a lot, you'll piss the bed? | ||
| I think I get confused and I wake up and I just pee on my... | ||
| I pee in suitcases a lot. | ||
| What? | ||
| I've heard of really drunk people peeing in suitcases. | ||
| That's actually fairly common. | ||
| Yeah, it happens maybe twice a year, but it still happens enough where I'm just like... | ||
| Did Eddie ever do something like that? | ||
| No, Eddie never did something like that. | ||
| That sounds like something right up Eddie Bravo's. | ||
| Yeah, he probably peed on a falcon. | ||
| Eddie used to have these blackouts that were so bad, I had to write a story about it. | ||
| I wrote a blog entry called Drunk Eddie. | ||
| I think I read that. | ||
| Was that about when you guys were in Rome and he missed his flight? | ||
| Germany. | ||
| Germany? | ||
| Yeah, well, he didn't miss his flight. | ||
| He took my car to the airport. | ||
| He was so hammered, and he woke up in the backseat of the car, didn't know anything. | ||
| I go downstairs. | ||
| I'm like, there's a car supposed to be to take me to the airport for Rogan? | ||
| And they go, Rogan already left. | ||
| And I go, what? | ||
| He goes, yeah, long hair, tattoos. | ||
| I go, motherfucker! | ||
| So I call Eddie. | ||
| That's not Joe Rogan! | ||
| The airport's like an hour and a half away. | ||
| He's only five minutes away from it by the time I call him. | ||
| The car is already there. | ||
| And I'm like, what happened, man? | ||
| What are you doing? | ||
| He said, I don't know. | ||
| I woke up in the back of this car. | ||
| To be fair, he was wearing Joe's clothes, though. | ||
| He was wearing an outfit that resembled me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| No. | ||
| It was just a party time. | ||
| I just got hammered. | ||
| Some dudes, man, they just can actually forget what happened. | ||
| Oh yeah, I've definitely blacked out. | ||
| I don't drink like that anymore. | ||
| I have not had an episode like that in a really long time. | ||
| Like in years, like 20, 10 years. | ||
| You know what I stopped doing just the last few days, like four days? | ||
| I stopped drinking caffeine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, I wish I could do that. | |
| I cut it all out. | ||
| Dude, I've never done that ever. | ||
| Like consciously cut it out. | ||
| But I'm like, I love coffee. | ||
| I like the smell of it. | ||
| I like the ritual of it. | ||
| I make French press coffee, so I grind the beans. | ||
| You have good coffee. | ||
| Nice water. | ||
| I use clean, filtered water, and I get these Kona coffee beans from Hawaii. | ||
| It's delicious. | ||
| It tastes good. | ||
| But you get these spikes, and then the crash is the really fucked up thing. | ||
| And the last couple of days, I've had no caffeine, like the last five, six days, and there's no crash. | ||
| It's weird. | ||
| Do you crave anything else? | ||
| Do you find yourself eating tons of chocolate? | ||
| No, but I want to drink the coffee. | ||
| And it's not that I need it. | ||
| It's that it's a ritual. | ||
| It's etched in my mind. | ||
| Like, you know, oh, I'm at Barnes& Noble buying a magazine. | ||
| Let me just get a cup of coffee. | ||
| I thought you were going to say, I've got to take a shit. | ||
| If I go to Barnes& Noble, I've got to take a shit. | ||
| Barnes& Noble has some of the worst shits ever. | ||
| You walk into that bathroom. | ||
| If you have to pee, God bless you. | ||
| God bless you in your nostrils. | ||
| You smell some coffee shits. | ||
| A bunch of people just eating those fucking cookies and drinking coffee. | ||
| Here's my problem with coffee. | ||
| Here's why I want to cut it out. | ||
| Because I have my first cup and I feel really good. | ||
| Then I go, let's have another cup. | ||
| So I have my other cup and then I'm like, man, I'm fucking tweaking. | ||
| I need to write. | ||
| I need to get some shit done. | ||
| Let's fold laundry. | ||
| And then I have my third cup and now my eyes are twitching. | ||
| And I'm like, I don't feel so good. | ||
| I want to take a Xanax and go to bed. | ||
| And I'm like, why can't I just find a happy middle ground? | ||
| Yeah, it's good if you want to get something done. | ||
| Like, it's good. | ||
| I debated back and forth whether or not to have one right before the podcast because, like, it's always good to be charged up while you do the podcast. | ||
| But I was like, no, let's see what happens because I've been doing this for the past, like I said, I guess it's probably been about five or six days now. | ||
| And very little alcohol. | ||
| The only alcohol I've been limiting myself to, like, one drink. | ||
| Really? | ||
| One glass of wine, maybe two at the most, but that's it. | ||
| I read this thing recently about drinking, about, like, going out and getting fucked up and how bad it is on your muscles. | ||
| Take these off when you do this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Your body's ability to recover, and then it takes you three weeks to get back to 100%. | ||
| Three weeks. | ||
| Man, you give me 24 hours not back. | ||
| Shit that it does, like when you get severely dehydrated from really getting hammered and really hungover, there's also an effect on cerebrospinal fluid that takes two weeks to recover from. | ||
| So there's like all these different things, different processes that happen when your body gets severely dehydrated and severely fucked up from alcohol. | ||
| And there's like... | ||
| This rebuilding process. | ||
| It's like, you know, it takes a long time. | ||
| And if you're fucking hitting it hard all the time, you're really never giving yourself a chance to recover. | ||
| That's why, you know, people look prematurely aged. | ||
| You know, and I started feeling recently that, like, I've never taken time away from coffee. | ||
| I've never taken time away from alcohol. | ||
| You know, I've always done whatever I wanted to do. | ||
| If I want to have a couple of beers, I'll have a couple of beers. | ||
| If I want to drink wine, I'll drink wine. | ||
| I never thought about it. | ||
| I never, like, tried to limit myself. | ||
| So there's a psychological pull. | ||
| There's a problem. | ||
| It's like you start thinking about it, and psychologically, you can see how people can get addicted to things. | ||
| Because psychologically, when you resist something, I went on a diet once for a little while. | ||
| I tried the Atkins diet, just for a goof, just to see what it was like. | ||
| That was a great fucking diet. | ||
| Yeah, it's good, except if you cut something out of your life, like pasta, dude, that is the shit you're going to crave in such a rabid way, man. | ||
| I never want cookies, but when I was on Atkins, I wanted cookies all the fucking time. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It's easy to eat clean if you decide to eat clean, but if you've got some crazy law, like if you have some rules, and now you know you're following those, you're not just eating clean. | ||
| You know you're following those specific rules. | ||
| All the things that aren't on there are the things you start craving. | ||
| The second I quit drinking, I go, that's when all the beer commercials look awesome. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'm like, man, I can't ever quit for good. | ||
| That's why I need to reel it in every now and then and go, alright, I need to be in control of everything. | ||
| So I don't want to be a fucking alcoholic. | ||
| I don't want to be some lush who you see on stage and all he does is slur his words and lays down on the stage. | ||
| Yeah, an alcohol commercial, a beer commercial, that's all you really need. | ||
| It's just that little push. | ||
| It's like, what it is, is you're already thinking about getting drunk. | ||
| That alcohol commercial, like people say, that targets children, and it looks like, what a great party. | ||
| Yeah, sort of. | ||
| But you know who it really targets? | ||
| It really targets guys who aren't partying. | ||
| That's who it really targets. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| They're thinking about, yeah, have that beer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe if I broke up with a wife now, I'm only 50. I got another shot in me, man. | |
| I've seen some fucking old guys with some young girls uglier than me, man. | ||
| I was thinking that today. | ||
| You start thinking things like that. | ||
| But it's such a natural feeling. | ||
| It's normal. | ||
| It's a normal part of being a monkey. | ||
| So my dad is going through like that. | ||
| My dad's ready to get some young pussy? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Bring him around the podcast. | ||
| Let's see what's up. | ||
| If there's a girl out there and there's half a million people on this podcast. | ||
| There's a girl out there that's into a 65 year old. | ||
| You never know. | ||
| Some girls like that. | ||
| I know a girl that likes that. | ||
| I'll get her on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Smell of urine and dead sperm. | |
| Is that what I was trying to say? | ||
| He had a blood infection and almost died a week ago, two weeks ago. | ||
| So now you've got that charity pussy coming your way. | ||
| I see what you're doing here. | ||
| Sympathy pussy. | ||
| Here it comes. | ||
| That getting old shit is really in his fucking head about, fuck, it's almost over. | ||
| And then it got into my head and I was like, wow, man, I'm 39. This party's... | ||
| You're healthy, dude. | ||
| You enjoy the moment. | ||
| That's the most important thing. | ||
| But take care of your vehicle. | ||
| The real problem with fucking alcohol is alcohol kills your vehicle. | ||
| The marijuana. | ||
| Don't put alcohol in your car. | ||
| The best thing for your world. | ||
| The body is a vehicle, Brian Redband. | ||
| The body. | ||
| The human body. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The body. | |
| The problem is alcohol is fun as fuck. | ||
| You know, there's very few things that are as fun as just a good night out when you're drunk with a bunch of fun friends and you're all laughing and cracking up. | ||
| At the end of the night, you go eat somewhere stupid. | ||
| Eat some greasy meat concoction with cheese and gravy and you take your fat, stupid ass to bed. | ||
| You know, those nights are fun, man. | ||
| Those are some brilliant nights. | ||
| But goddamn those Sunday mornings suck a bag. | ||
| Don't they? | ||
| They suck, dude. | ||
| That feeling of hungover as you're headed to the airport and you can't drink enough water. | ||
| Especially the Vegas ones. | ||
| I think the Vegas ones are the worst. | ||
| Yeah, because also you get outside of those casinos and there's no longer oxygen pumping everywhere. | ||
| Is that a myth? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, they actually do that and there's no clocks in any casinos. | |
| That's true, but don't you ever watch your stupid fuck? | ||
| No, because my watch is my iPhone and they scramble all the iPhones so none of the phones work so you have no phone shit. | ||
| Do you believe that? | ||
| Do you believe they scramble the phone? | ||
| Fuck yeah, I do. | ||
| Really? | ||
| I don't believe that they scramble it 100%, but I believe that as soon as I walk in there, I'll go from three bars to no service, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. | ||
| Almost like they're making your phones cut off. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So that you can just say to your wife, what? | ||
| Honey, honey, I'm by the tables. | ||
| I'll call you in and out. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You motherfucker! | |
| No, it's a good thing for that. | ||
| I can't have a lot of money away! | ||
| And they set those places up like you get lost in them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, yeah. | |
| Like all the carpet's fucking confusing. | ||
| Yeah, and there's a maze. | ||
| You realize you're going through all those machines. | ||
| They're not set up in some sort of orderly way that's easy to see from space. | ||
| No, there's a goddamn maze. | ||
| It's like the maze of The Shining. | ||
| That's exactly what it's like. | ||
| Get you in there and hopefully suck everything out of you. | ||
| Suck the money out of you, either through your balls, there's hookers in those mazes, or suck the money out through the machines. | ||
| We had a hooker one time in Vegas. | ||
| Not had a hooker, but we had a hooker proposition, me and my buddy Eddie, and she was one of the hottest chicks I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| And my buddy Eddie was like, how much? | ||
| And she was like, $1,300. | ||
| I can't. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why can't you? | |
| Because I'm trying to drive home tonight. | ||
| This is good for driving. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's just a cigarette. | ||
| Yeah, until I go, wow, my feet feel like they're glued into the... | ||
| This is space weed. | ||
| This is good for driving. | ||
| This makes you think you're not even driving anymore. | ||
| Man, driving here on the, whatchamacallit, I always felt like I was in a video game. | ||
| It's called a highway, son. | ||
| Who's the stoned one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huh? | |
| Yeah, what is that? | ||
| You know, driving in on that whatchamacallit. | ||
| I was old enough in that thing that I always get onto. | ||
| That newfangled hard surface the earth is using. | ||
| It's the thing I put the alcohol in all the time. | ||
| All those new monkeys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
My vehicle. | |
| The new monkeys that are transporting themselves in a much more rapid way. | ||
| They have this hard surface. | ||
| What is it called? | ||
| Whatever, whatever. | ||
| Anyway. | ||
| Point being. | ||
| Point. | ||
| Marijuana fucks my driving up. | ||
| I could never. | ||
| I could never drive high. | ||
| Really? | ||
| How can you drive high? | ||
| Well, I don't drive that high. | ||
| I'll be here for a few hours. | ||
| I'm pretty sober by the time I actually leave, but I do jujitsu high. | ||
| I do a lot of things high. | ||
| I do comedy high. | ||
| Do sugar stop your buzz? | ||
| But also, you know, I have to realize I have a high tolerance. | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| When you're smoking, like, my last year of college, I was smoking a lot of weed. | ||
| And I could smoke all night long and be fine. | ||
| But now, if I took, like, a hit, I'd definitely feel it. | ||
| Especially, I think weed was different back then, too. | ||
| Weed's good for you. | ||
| Bert Kreischer, let me tell you something. | ||
| Don't listen to me. | ||
| Don't follow my advice, because it's faulty. | ||
| You know, it's a lot of trial and error, and I've made quite a few errors. | ||
| I'm not saying I'm right about everything, but I'm right about this. | ||
| Weed, my friend... | ||
| Look, I'm not right about everything, but I'm definitely right about this. | ||
| Weed, my friend, is good for you. | ||
| And what you are afraid of with weed is what we all need. | ||
| We all need a little humility. | ||
| We all need to be terrified by the matrix. | ||
| We all need a view of the great beyond. | ||
| And what weed gives you is a terrifying feeling of your mortality. | ||
| It gives you a feeling of insecurity, a feeling of what you call paranoia, because what it is is you've dropped all the blinders all around you, and you realize... | ||
| How ridiculous this proposition is. | ||
| Period. | ||
| There is no way around the fact that it's ridiculous. | ||
| We are, in fact, just one part of a universe. | ||
| It's above our head. | ||
| There's no actual ending to any of it. | ||
| And we're a part of it. | ||
| And we're floating in it. | ||
| And we're only here for a little bit. | ||
| And we don't know what we're doing. | ||
| And everybody knows as much as you do. | ||
| And you don't know anything. | ||
| I mean, there's people who know more facts. | ||
| They know more about the laws of physics. | ||
| They know more about... | ||
| But the purpose of it all, or where it ends, or what it's for, or what... | ||
| Is there a meaning to this? | ||
| Is this just a device to move entropy forward? | ||
| Is this just a device for innovation? | ||
| What are the humans? | ||
| What is this life? | ||
| No one knows. | ||
| Not a fucking one! | ||
| No one! | ||
| That's why you need marijuana. | ||
| It's out. | ||
| Shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Here. | |
| Because marijuana lets you know, man. | ||
| I gotta light it. | ||
| That's what a beer commercial is. | ||
| Let's you know, dude. | ||
| That's why we need marijuana commercials. | ||
| It's not bad for you. | ||
| It's just bad for pharmaceutical companies. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Those fuckheads. | ||
| I mean, this is supposed to be America, land of the free, home of the brave. | ||
| You're locking people up for a plant that makes you silly. | ||
| There's nothing fucking free or brave about that. | ||
| That's bitch moves, right? | ||
| That's a bitch move. | ||
| That's the only person who would lock you up for weed. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, if you had to create your own society, if it was Burt World, and you had, you know, there's 100 people, and you claimed that you were the king of Burt World, and you got to establish all the laws, could you imagine if you said no pot? | ||
| You'd be like, fuck you, Burt! | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I'd allow pot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| 100 people. | ||
| I'd make everyone shave their heads. | ||
| I think we all need to live like they live in Afghanistan, man. | ||
| Just warlords. | ||
| Warlords residing over small pieces of land. | ||
| Do you think you'd be a warlord? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I'd work for one, maybe. | ||
| That's better. | ||
| You don't want to be the guy in front. | ||
| You don't want to be the figurehead. | ||
| You don't want to be Bush. | ||
| You'd rather be Dick Cheney. | ||
| You know what I'm saying? | ||
| So you'd find a warlord in your community? | ||
| What I would do is I would teach the warlord jiu-jitsu or something. | ||
| I'd hang out with the warlord. | ||
| You'd be a blacksmith. | ||
| You know, I always wanted to learn how to make one of those samurai swords where they fold the blade over and over again. | ||
| I would take a trade. | ||
| That's what I would do. | ||
| Really? | ||
| What I'm saying is that I think we really would be better off. | ||
| If you want to have any government at all, it should be very local. | ||
| Just a small group. | ||
| And then the only time the federal comes in is when the group starts arguing. | ||
| And then the federal comes and goes, dudes, relax. | ||
| We're all here temporarily. | ||
| Keep it together. | ||
| Hundreds of people. | ||
| Not millions. | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| I wonder what I'd do in a warlord. | ||
| Brian, where do you think you'd fit in in a warlord society? | ||
| You would dominate per Christ. | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| You would be the life of the party. | ||
| I'd be the life of the party. | ||
| I'd be the guy by the fire. | ||
| Lighting the fire first. | ||
| Putting it out at the end of the night. | ||
| I don't know why I'm all of a sudden in a fucking village with a fire. | ||
| I'm sure we still have houses. | ||
| Because that makes for an awesome story. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's why Conan the Barbarian was always cool. | ||
| I would make saddles. | ||
| When I was 13 years old is when I became addicted to Conan the Barbarian books. | ||
| The Robert E. Howard books. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You ever read them? | ||
| No. | ||
| I didn't even know there were books. | ||
| Oh, brilliant, brilliant books. | ||
| We've talked about them a few times. | ||
| Conan wasn't a man of much words. | ||
| Did they just write a lot of narrative? | ||
| Oh, that's not necessarily true. | ||
| In the books, he talked. | ||
| Really? | ||
| But the adventures were so fucking deep. | ||
| It was all about this guy named Robert E. Howard. | ||
| And what's that guy's name that's on... | ||
| He was in Full Metal Jacket. | ||
| He played Pyle in Full Metal Jacket. | ||
| Wait, Vincent D'Onofrio? | ||
| Vincent D'Onofrio. | ||
| Thank you very much. | ||
| Vincent D'Onofrio played this guy, Robert E. Howard, in a movie about his life. | ||
| Because Robert E. Howard was this really eccentric character who wrote all these fantastic novels of fantasy, but lived with his mother in his 30s and shot himself, killed himself. | ||
| But he was responsible for Conan the Barbarian and Kroll the Conqueror and all these different fantasy books this dude wrote. | ||
| They were fucking awesome, dude! | ||
| When you're 13, it's a 13-year-old boy's version of Twilight, is what it's like. | ||
| They're just these fantastic fucking stories of sorcerers and fucking sword fights and demons, and it's just awesome shit. | ||
| Man, that's... | ||
| And you read that? | ||
| I never read shit at 13. Oh, dude. | ||
| Those were the books, man. | ||
| I read that was then. | ||
| This is now at 13. You ever watch that? | ||
| That was my shit. | ||
| Swan Lake or the little mouse that rode the motorcycle? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| Ralph. | ||
| You never got into comic books or anything? | ||
| No, I never read a comic book in my life. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| What about you, Brian? | ||
| You got into college. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I actually just read The Walking Dead. | ||
| Oh my god! | ||
| And then I started watching it. | ||
| I just watched the first episode. | ||
| It's so fucking good. | ||
| It follows the comic almost exactly. | ||
| The timeline's a little switched around, but it's so amazing how well they did it. | ||
| It's so good. | ||
| That's the only show I'm watching these days. | ||
| The only fiction show I'm watching. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, Walking Dead. | ||
| I tried to get into everything. | ||
| I gave up. | ||
| Well, I still like Breaking Bad. | ||
| Next time I go to get, when I'm getting my tattoo finished, I'm going to go back and watch the rest of Breaking Bad. | ||
| I thought you were going to get a Breaking Bad tattoo. | ||
| Yeah, man, I'm going to get a meth pipe on my shoulder blade. | ||
| Let everybody know I'm down to fucking party! | ||
| I saw some new dude, some new white rap dude on TV last night. | ||
| Last night I was up late at night watching the Pac-Man fight. | ||
| I had it on DVR. I hadn't watched it yet. | ||
| Versus Blinky? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That was a really good one, bro. | |
| See, that's the reason he keeps putting these bombs out there. | ||
| Because every now and then he hits one out of the park. | ||
| Juan Manuel Marquez. | ||
| Anyway, they had this awesome fight, and I still hadn't watched it, so I was up watching it, and what the hell were we talking about? | ||
| What was the point? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Pac-Man? | ||
| No, it was before Pac-Man. | ||
| What was the point? | ||
| Breaking Bad tattoo. | ||
| You're getting your tattoo. | ||
| It's the only shows you watch. | ||
| God damn it. | ||
| I completely forgot what I was talking about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can someone tweet us real quick and tell us what we're talking about? | |
| We smoke too much pot, folks. | ||
| It helps and it hurts. | ||
| It's there and yet it's not. | ||
| It's ethereal. | ||
| I apologize. | ||
| It's probably my fault. | ||
| How's it your fault? | ||
| You definitely threw us off the fucking... | ||
| You did, but it was worth doing. | ||
| You can blame me. | ||
| It was worth doing. | ||
| You were the one on the fucking Nina, the Pint and the Santa Maria going, look, that's a whale! | ||
| And Columbus was like, huh? | ||
| It was something I was watching on TV. That's what I was talking about. | ||
| Oh, this new white rapper. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Some guy has got a song. | ||
| I don't know who he is. | ||
| I don't know, but he was with that Birdman guy. | ||
| Manny? | ||
| Do you know who the Birdman guy is? | ||
| Fresh! | ||
| Manny Fresh from the Hot Boys. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Apparently that guy is the number one guy in the car game. | ||
| Interesting. | ||
| You know what that means? | ||
| He always has the freshest cars. | ||
| Yeah, his cars are ridiculous. | ||
| I've seen articles about him in Dub Magazine. | ||
| You should. | ||
| He stole all the money from Juvie. | ||
| He gets, like, a million dollars worth of cars every year, plus, every year, just new cars, constantly. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Hooks them up, makes them, like, super stereos, badass rims, customizes, custom colors. | ||
| Like a white wrapper. | ||
| Like a white wrapper that you were talking about. | ||
| Well, no, the white... | ||
| That's the story that you were... | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| This guy's in the video with him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| No, so he's in the video, and there's this new guy, and he's like, who in the club doesn't give a fuck? | ||
| That's essentially the song. | ||
| And the guy's got all these crazy tattoos all over his body, and I'm looking at this Birdman guy, and he has this star tattooed on his head. | ||
| He's got something tattooed on his face, he's got tear drops tattooed, and he's got a star tattooed on the top of his head. | ||
| Brian, can you pull up an image of him? | ||
| Yeah, the recent images you want, because I'm sure he gets tattooed a lot. | ||
| He's just a... | ||
| And I'm watching this. | ||
| Take off parental controls and do resit. | ||
| Searchlikebryan.com, by the way. | ||
| What am I searching for? | ||
| You're searching for Birdman tattoos, top of head. | ||
| Look for that. | ||
| And I'm watching this. | ||
| I'm like, wow, this is some crazy music. | ||
| I'm like, I wonder what my grandfather would think if my grandfather, who came here from Italy, You know, in the 1930s I think he came. | ||
| Maybe it was the 1920s. | ||
| Came to America from Italy. | ||
| I wonder, you know, he was like into Sinatra and shit. | ||
| He'd go over to his house. | ||
| They'd be playing opera music. | ||
| I wonder what, how alien that would be for him. | ||
| If he could be my age, if he could be in his 40s sitting in front of the TV watching. | ||
| I bet he'd laugh absolutely hysterically. | ||
| I bet he'd think it was a joke. | ||
| I bet he'd go, I bet he'd look at it and go, like really go get a gut laugh and go, I can't believe this is hilarious. | ||
| I wish. | ||
| I don't think you would have taken it that well. | ||
| I don't think you would have taken it that well. | ||
| Birdman tattoo had butthole? | ||
| No, don't put butthole in there, fucker. | ||
| Hey, Brian. | ||
| Brian, Olive Garden. | ||
| There, I already said it. | ||
| Now you can't say it. | ||
| Go fuck yourself. | ||
| Oh, that's his star tattoo? | ||
| How about that, huh? | ||
| Is this what you're getting? | ||
| Are you kidding me? | ||
| Yeah, he's got a bunch. | ||
| Sometimes too far east is west. | ||
| Isn't that nuts? | ||
| Homeboy's crazy. | ||
| That's wild, man. | ||
| He's got stars tattooed all over his head. | ||
| I don't understand what the... | ||
| Look at it, he's got writing on his head. | ||
| Man, him and Lil Wayne. | ||
| Get some more face tattoos. | ||
| We've got a face tattoo. | ||
| Because I think he's got something big on his cheek, too. | ||
| Man, I was Googling Wayne's tattoos. | ||
| Because Wayne's tattoos are crazy, too. | ||
| Lil Wayne. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Those guys are wild. | ||
| And then I got into the UFC guy with the swastika tattooed on his stomach. | ||
| You know who I'm talking about? | ||
| No. | ||
| Who got a swastika? | ||
| No. | ||
| Back up one. | ||
| Brian, back up. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| No, no, no, not him. | ||
| There was one... | ||
| Birdman is above you. | ||
| It's above you. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| See that? | ||
| Click that. | ||
| Birdman is the lighter-skinned black ball. | ||
| Oh, you've got fucked. | ||
| This is probably not what you're looking for, but here's a virus, bitch. | ||
| I have a Mac. | ||
| Oh, wait, you have a Mac. | ||
| The viruses don't work. | ||
| Amazing how many PC people want to still stick with PCs after that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| Dude, trust me, man. | ||
| The moment the numbers of Mac users, the moment they get up to a certain amount where it's worthy of their time, then they'll start writing viruses. | ||
| If it's worthy of their time. | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| But they don't have it now, dummy. | ||
| What do you care? | ||
| You can get them now where there's no viruses. | ||
| That's better. | ||
| Whoa! | ||
| No, there's another side to his head. | ||
| The other side's got a bunch of shit, too. | ||
| The other side's got some on his cheek. | ||
| Right there. | ||
| That one right there. | ||
| Boom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's fucking shit. | |
| I'd love to be his nurse if he was in a coma and just read him. | ||
| Read them? | ||
| Yeah, like just look at his body while he's out. | ||
| Oh, yeah, so you don't have to worry about him getting angry. | ||
| And just read everything about his body. | ||
| And have one of his friends to explain, oh, CMH is the neighborhood in New Orleans we grew up in. | ||
| Cash money hoes. | ||
| Cash money hoes. | ||
| It's a weird way of living, man. | ||
| I mean, they're making a living, a sensational one, out of just living big. | ||
| I mean, that's what they're offering. | ||
| They're talking about how big they're living, showing you how they don't give a fuck, getting tattoos on their head, driving around Bentleys. | ||
| What, bitch? | ||
| Literally. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Stop me. | ||
| Stop me from winning. | ||
| I dare you. | ||
| Look at his fucking face! | ||
| That's before the stars on the head. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the one, man. | ||
| He's got something on his face. | ||
| He's crying. | ||
| That means he's killed three rainbows. | ||
| Yeah, but there's something on his cheek that you're not catching in that picture. | ||
| There's something written on his cheek. | ||
| It's hard to see in that picture. | ||
| But in the video, you kind of see it. | ||
| He's essentially got writing all over his face. | ||
| He really does have writing all over his face. | ||
| He's a wild dude. | ||
| I've been wanting to get a tattoo lately. | ||
| What do you want to get? | ||
| How about that squirrel with the beer, huh? | ||
| I would have to get... | ||
| I would have to get sleeved. | ||
| What was your first one? | ||
| You didn't have any on NewsRadio, right? | ||
| No, I had one that I got. | ||
| It was like the graphics logo. | ||
| I remember that. | ||
| It was very similar. | ||
| It was like a demon with a jester's hat on. | ||
| I was a retard. | ||
| I was like 23 or something like that when I got there. | ||
| You had a jester's hat? | ||
| Yeah, I was such a dummy. | ||
| And I still have it. | ||
| You want to see it? | ||
| Yeah, I forgot. | ||
| You still have it. | ||
| For some reason, I thought you got it covered up. | ||
| That one I did. | ||
| Oh, shut up! | ||
| Yeah, I drew it, actually. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's actually a pretty cool tattoo for 1989. I drew that in... | |
| Oh, fuck! | ||
| I got caught up here. | ||
| I drew that in whatever it was when I had it done. | ||
| I guess it was probably like 1990 or something. | ||
| I guess it's not a good idea to mix electricity with the new studio. | ||
| I like this new studio a lot. | ||
| Everything's under control. | ||
| We got it handled. | ||
| What do you do in your next hour? | ||
| I don't know, man. | ||
| Hopefully soon. | ||
| I think I might do it Louis C.K. style. | ||
| I like the way he's doing it, man. | ||
| He's just releasing it on the internet. | ||
| That's really the smart way to do it. | ||
| I want to figure out if there's a way to do that. | ||
| How much would you charge? | ||
| Five bucks? | ||
| Two bucks? | ||
| Yeah, five bucks is good. | ||
| Five bucks. | ||
| You can stream it live. | ||
| Or it doesn't matter. | ||
| It doesn't have to be live. | ||
| You should be able to just get it whenever you want it. | ||
| Just make it a podcast, but a paid one on iTunes, like a rental, you know? | ||
| That's sort of a good idea, but I would have to set it up correctly. | ||
| Make good cameras and make sure it's directed well. | ||
| That's kind of a part of a stand-up. | ||
| When you watch a stand-up special, what's really cool is a special, but what's really underrated is all the people that do it behind the scenes. | ||
| The guy who directs the UFC is a very good friend of mine, Anthony Giordano, and he's the one who did my special, too. | ||
| But he's a guy who understands how to make something look cool, how to cut things, how to shoot things. | ||
| Bring some life to it. | ||
| Not just, here, record this. | ||
| But record this and put it into focus in an artistic way that makes it more exciting. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Hefron and I were talking about doing dates together in February. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| What are you guys going to do? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think Dorfman's brother... | ||
| I love Hefron. | ||
| He's a great guy to have on the road with you, too. | ||
| He's a great guy. | ||
| And he's put together... | ||
| What's that? | ||
| What? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Microphone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me? | |
| Am I talking into it wrong? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was like you were trying to suck a dick. | ||
| Jesus Christ. | ||
| So, yeah, we were talking about doing dates in February. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You turned it that way. | |
| You turned it that way on purpose. | ||
| Did I? Yeah, you were getting really upset when we were talking earlier. | ||
| You blacked out, bro. | ||
| Peed all over the table. | ||
| You don't remember? | ||
| You don't remember? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| Man, you had a boner. | ||
| I had a dream. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was huge. | |
| It was a huge boner. | ||
| Do you guys wear tighty-whities? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| I've been going back to the tighter ones lately. | ||
| I did boxers for like 10 or 15 years, but it was just too dangerous. | ||
| You know, boxers entangled with your dick, and you're waking up, and you're like, why is my dick asleep? | ||
| And then you realize your boxers are all wrapped up. | ||
| I wear the tighty-whighty style, but I wear black underwear because I don't want to see my fart stains. | ||
| I do a splattered paint look. | ||
| I don't want to be reminded of it. | ||
| Look, this is just a part of being a human being. | ||
| You've got to pretend that hole that shit comes out of, that occasionally air doesn't leak out of there, and occasionally it stains your underwear. | ||
| Are we playing games here? | ||
| Are we going adults here? | ||
| Why are you giving me white underwear? | ||
| Is this a fucking test that I can't win? | ||
| Is this a test I cannot pass? | ||
| Am I supposed to say yes? | ||
| Yeah, there's yellow by my dick. | ||
| That's because my dick drips piss, okay? | ||
| What am I supposed to do? | ||
| Get toilet paper out and dab it? | ||
| No, I'm a man. | ||
| I stick it back in my pants, and then we clean the fucking underwear, and in a couple months, I buy new pairs! | ||
| Alright? | ||
| Black ones! | ||
| Black ones. | ||
| And I don't need a fucking hole. | ||
| Somebody please provide a solid pair of underwear without that dickhole. | ||
| That dickhole is useless. | ||
| It's just more embarrassing than anything. | ||
| You're fucking getting a UPS guy looks of your penises. | ||
| The only way you should use that dickhole is if you have ugly, ugly balls. | ||
| If you have some pomegranate-looking balls. | ||
| If you have some deal-breaker balls. | ||
| You're like, listen, baby, I got a pretty dick, but I got some balls that'll scare the fucking paint off your car. | ||
| You don't want to scare off the... | ||
| Listen, baby, you can see my balls eventually. | ||
| But right now, here's my dick. | ||
| It's a beautiful dick. | ||
| It's a glowing sword of passion and lust. | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| And then you see the balls, and they just, like, troll eyeball. | ||
| My balls are horrible. | ||
| And they drip. | ||
| They're leaking. | ||
| My balls are so bad. | ||
| How bad are they? | ||
| Bad. | ||
| What's wrong with them? | ||
| The ball stops at, say, like, four inches, five, but the scrotum keeps going to, like, seven. | ||
| That's because you have a lot of potential for manliness. | ||
| It's like, say, if you went to a surgeon and they were going to give you artificial breasts, they would make a nice deep pocket for a good set of double D's. | ||
| You've got to create some space. | ||
| And that's what it is. | ||
| You've just got a lot of room. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| That makes me feel a lot better about my balls. | ||
| You could have giant balls. | ||
| You could be totally running shit. | ||
| That would be great if a doctor told you that. | ||
| He'd give you a scrotum exam. | ||
| He's like, man, you're going to be a great man. | ||
| This is what he says to you. | ||
| He says you have to be the greatest American ever. | ||
| We measure potential ball size. | ||
| What it counts in America is how big are your balls. | ||
| That's really what we admire in people. | ||
| If you really want to get real, what we admire is how big are your balls. | ||
| What are you willing to do? | ||
| How crazy are you willing to get? | ||
| That's why a show like Jackass works. | ||
| That's why stand-up comedy works. | ||
| That's why fighting works. | ||
| That's why anything crazy. | ||
| How crazy are you willing to get? | ||
| I was watching this show where they were talking about this guy who died recently who's a professional snowboarder. | ||
| Apparently, he caused an avalanche. | ||
| I think I heard about this guy. | ||
| I believe it was... | ||
| I mean, it's happened more than one time where these extreme athlete snow guys... | ||
| They go back country and dropped off in a helicopter. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Like, whoa. | ||
| What the fuck, dude? | ||
| That's... | ||
| That's as real as it gets for a sport. | ||
| I think the only reason I take this, I say to you, have you seen, but the only reason I probably saw it is because of your news feed on Twitter, have you seen the guy in the squirrel outfit jump off the fucking thing and miss the ground by like six fucking feet? | ||
| Oh my god, it's incredible. | ||
| And he's going 100 miles an hour. | ||
| Oh, that is one of the most amazing videos I've ever seen. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| What are those called? | ||
| Squirrel outfits. | ||
| I think they're called squirrel suits. | ||
| That's what it looks like. | ||
| It looks like a flying squirrel. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| It's one of the baddest things I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| You have to be absolutely fucking fearless to do that because one mistake, one miscalculation of the terrain where you don't pull up in time and you slam into the fucking mountain, you're done, son. | ||
| At 100 miles an hour, you are flying. | ||
| That is a game changer. | ||
| What a crazy idea. | ||
| Who is the motherfucker that tested that out? | ||
| When I jumped out of a plane with Rachel Ray, I was fucking hardcore panicked. | ||
| Oh, you should be. | ||
| But I was like, man, when you're screaming at the earth at 100 miles an hour, there is a fucking surreal moment where you go, alright, this is it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my god. | |
| If this shoot doesn't open, it doesn't open, and I die with some dude strapped on me like a rape harness. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| Some horrible fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
And Rachel Ray goes home and eats pie. | |
| Rachel's a gangster. | ||
| Rachel does that shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's got my back. | ||
| He's got your back permanently. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's stapled to your back. | ||
| He's literally harnessed into you where you can't get... | ||
| You couldn't... | ||
| You can't get rid of the guy. | ||
| And it's the most uncomfortable position to have a man in. | ||
| Sitting on a man's dick on the flight up to get to 13,000 feet so you can jump out. | ||
| And you're trying to have your own little moment, but you got some East German with his arms around you holding on to you, like going, let's tighten you up, tighten you up, tighten you up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, what? | |
| What a crazy fucking activity. | ||
| 26 people died, and it was like 2006 was the last year we looked at it. | ||
| An alarming amount of people die skydiving. | ||
| An alarming. | ||
| That morning I woke up, I was at the W in Union Square. | ||
| Beautiful hotel, and I think, what could go wrong? | ||
| I'm going to just check the odds and see how many people die skydiving. | ||
| And they were like, up to this year, mind you, it's like fucking August, and they're like, 46. And I was like... | ||
| 40 fucking 6. That's a lot of people. | ||
| I'm not comfortable with those odds. | ||
| And that is in a year? | ||
| In a year. | ||
| In a year. | ||
| And then you see a video. | ||
| They show you a video and they go... | ||
| It's an old dude and he goes, you have to know you're entering into an activity that is likely to cause death. | ||
| You may die today. | ||
| And you're like, wait, why would I want to do this? | ||
| It's not that cool. | ||
| Yeah, it's not that... | ||
| Like, I don't want to fucking die. | ||
| No. | ||
| But then you do it, and you land, and you live, and there is a week where you feel like you have a secret that no one knows. | ||
| Like a fucking week where you are the most powerful human being in your head. | ||
| You see movies where a guy's running across the top of the thing, and in your head you go, I could do that. | ||
| I jumped out of a fucking plane. | ||
| Like you feel limitless. | ||
| You feel like you've... | ||
| You've climbed the tallest mountain. | ||
| You jumped out of a fucking plane and you lived. | ||
| You beat the odds. | ||
| You fucking won. | ||
| And then you get addicted to that. | ||
| I know Rachel and I have been doing some crazy shit. | ||
| Just doing some bizarre shit lately. | ||
| And in February we're going swimming with sharks. | ||
| And I was in the cage. | ||
| And she goes, fuck it. | ||
| Out of the cage. | ||
| So we're going swimming with sharks. | ||
| Out of the cage. | ||
| And then we're going to do... | ||
| Whoa, whoa. | ||
| What's going on with you and Rachel? | ||
| Does she make you do a lot of Jager bombs? | ||
| And then you're like, hey, let's do these things. | ||
| Do you ever black out? | ||
| It's only really nice wine. | ||
| I have blacked out with Rachel, yeah. | ||
| Rachel Ray's peeing on you? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Rachel Ray blacked out. | ||
| I've definitely, we partied in Mexico. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You blacked out with her? | |
| You blacked out with her before? | ||
| We partied in Mexico, me and her husband, and we killed, I killed, I will say I, because I don't want anyone to think that she drinks a lot, but I murdered some wine, like nice wine, in her room with her husband, listening to music. | ||
| Did he comb your hair? | ||
| Is this a cuckold story? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Very cool people. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| Very cool. | ||
| You docked with this gentleman. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I understand. | |
| If you want to keep the party going, you have to tell no tales. | ||
| I understand. | ||
| Listen, I would do the exact same thing. | ||
| I love Rachel and I love John. | ||
| Who doesn't love Rachel May? | ||
| But if her and her husband makes me some lasagna and we're in a hotel room, I'm not going to fuck the guy. | ||
| She looks like she's got a great personality. | ||
| She's a lot of fun. | ||
| She's a human being. | ||
| She seems like a fun person to be around. | ||
| She's a blast. | ||
| She doesn't seem negative at all. | ||
| Not in one part. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think I hear... | ||
| She's a rare person, too, that's like a celebrity that you don't hear people criticizing that much. | ||
| I don't really hear people talk shit about Rachel Ray. | ||
| No one does. | ||
| They like her. | ||
| She's great. | ||
| She has a loft down in Soho. | ||
| You go over. | ||
| She has parties. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| They videotape the whole shit for her show. | ||
| And then she'll cut the cameras. | ||
| And then she'll be like, let's talk shit. | ||
| I saw Ricky Gervais the other night. | ||
| Just really gossip about comedy. | ||
| About comedy? | ||
| Yeah, she loves comedy. | ||
| She fucking loves comedy. | ||
| And I guarantee you, I guarantee you she's on a treadmill or an elliptical right now listening to this. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| If you had another life. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| I love these. | ||
| I love these. | ||
| If young Bert had gone left instead of right. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| One day, you know, just by some weird stroke of luck, a 30-year-old Bert meets who knows how old she was. | ||
| You're both single. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What do you think, man? | ||
| It's happening. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Like, if we're not famous? | ||
| If you guys had met. | ||
| No, not that I'm famous, but I'm, like, saying, like, just on parallel universes, I meet her at a bar. | ||
| Right. | ||
| That's your dream girl? | ||
| She's a dream girl? | ||
| Be careful, your mother's, your wife. | ||
| I know, my wife's listening. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your mother. | |
| Your mother and your wife. | ||
| I'll tell you this. | ||
| And your son. | ||
| Rachel's the kind of chick that you... | ||
| Who? | ||
| She's got a son? | ||
| I got a son? | ||
| You don't know about him yet. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| She's the kind of chick that I will say that any dude that met her in a bar would love it. | ||
| In a heartbeat. | ||
| She's so cool. | ||
| Does that threaten your wife that you talk about her like this? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Damn. | ||
| Because there's nothing... | ||
| You can't say anything bad about her. | ||
| And usually I'm pretty honest about everyone and... | ||
| And I'll find something that I go, oh yeah, but you wouldn't like this about her. | ||
| But with Rachel, it's like, you love everything about her. | ||
| She's cool. | ||
| She fucking gets it. | ||
| Like, you can tell a joke to her, like, we got two bodyguards to go to Mexico. | ||
| We each got bodyguards. | ||
| And then... | ||
| Whoa, that's so scary. | ||
| Oh, it was so great. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| And so, and I told her, I said... | ||
| What is that? | ||
| Who are the bodyguards, man? | ||
| Mine was Edgar, and hers was, I think... | ||
| Do you ever worry that the bodyguards have sold information because they've seen Bert the Conqueror and they want you to do a bunch of shit around their house? | ||
| I doubt it. | ||
| Cartels that kidnap your ass? | ||
| Mine didn't speak any English. | ||
| No? | ||
| None. | ||
| But as a joke, I go, oh, let's take our bodyguards down to the beach and make them fight. | ||
| And she laughed. | ||
| She was like... | ||
| It would be fucking hilarious. | ||
| Like as a joke, right? | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you tell it to some people in the industry and they'd be like, come on, man. | ||
| Let's not be disrespectful. | ||
| They're working very hard. | ||
| They tell you the politically right answer. | ||
| She just laughed and she's like, oh, that'd be funny. | ||
| Like just a real cool... | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| You're talking about two trained killers. | ||
| Two trained killers. | ||
| It's natural to see which one would kill the other one. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with that. | ||
| I wanted to take him down to the beach. | ||
| She's correct in her interests, and so are you. | ||
| Doesn't mean they should do it. | ||
| And then we get to pistol whip the loser. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| That's where you want to cross the line, mister. | ||
| Not with me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| There's no line? | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| We're in Mexico. | ||
| Shit's going down. | ||
| Do you think it's weird that there's a third world country that's connected to us? | ||
| I mean, how crazy is that? | ||
| We got fucking everything over in Afghanistan right now. | ||
| Think about all the soldiers we have over there. | ||
| Meanwhile, right next door is a third world country with a drug war going on. | ||
| It's like having ripped arms and a perfect chest, but then just a gut. | ||
| Like, no... | ||
| Yeah, and a rotten asshole. | ||
| And a small dick. | ||
| Yeah, a broken small dick. | ||
| Small dick that doesn't even work. | ||
| Like, we cut it off. | ||
| Like, it goes, money, money, money, money, money, money. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop! | |
| Like, you do not get the money. | ||
| Well, there is money in Mexico, but, you know, the big, like, Mexico City and stuff like that, I mean, there's really nice sections of Mexico City. | ||
| We were in San Miguel Allende, and it was very fucking nice. | ||
| They showed the HBO special, the 24-7 with Pacquiao and Marquez, and they showed, like, Mexico City. | ||
| Like, Mexico City's like a real city, you know? | ||
| It's a high-end city. | ||
| It's fucking huge. | ||
| I think Mexico City's the biggest city, in fact, in the world. | ||
| It's really high up. | ||
| The altitude is high as shit. | ||
| Mexico City is, really? | ||
| I'm guessing. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You might have just made that up. | ||
| I know that the air quality there is fucking terrible. | ||
| So then it's really hard to breathe. | ||
| I think it's a smog issue. | ||
| It's real bad. | ||
| There's more people in Mexico City, I think, than any other city in the world. | ||
| I might be out of line, though. | ||
| I think it's close, though. | ||
| Whatever it is, it's top. | ||
| It's right up there. | ||
| But it's bigger than any of the American cities. | ||
| It's a massive fucking city. | ||
| Yeah, and you figure the quality of life there has got to suck, right? | ||
| Well, in some areas, yeah. | ||
| They showed Juan Manuel Marquez's place. | ||
| He had a Mercedes and a Porsche. | ||
| How do you have that right next to all that shit? | ||
| You've got to live dangerously, son, because you're flaunting in front of a large population of have-nots. | ||
| A large population of have-nots who I'm assuming their have-nots are ten times worse than our have-nots. | ||
| Yeah, the difference between a Marquez who's rich in America. | ||
| Juan Manuel Marquez is a world champion boxer, a famous athlete in his country, loved by millions of people. | ||
| One of the toughest boxers on the fucking planet. | ||
| In this country, in America, he's rich as fuck. | ||
| In America, he's made millions of dollars. | ||
| In Mexico, that must be staggering. | ||
| The difference between him and, you know, in America, him and a minimum wage worker is substantial, but it's almost, you can see it in the distance. | ||
| Somehow it's possible. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Insurmountable. | |
| Yeah, insurmountable in Mexico. | ||
| In Mexico, it's insurmountable. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| How could someone stay in Mexico? | ||
| And, you know, what are the percentages of earning the amount of money that this guy's earned? | ||
| Like, this is insane. | ||
| And so for him to be flaunting in Mexico, it's like, wow, it seemed to me. | ||
| I don't know anything about the culture. | ||
| I really am talking about my ass. | ||
| But, you know what, I bet, I bet. | ||
| Seemed extravagant. | ||
| But I bet, well, we're not... | ||
| He's a hero. | ||
| No one's fucking with him because he is the golden boy to them because he represents them every fucking day. | ||
| The guy who came from nothing, who got somewhere. | ||
| And I bet that is what keeps him safe. | ||
| I bet no one touches him because they go, what are we going to fucking take away our Adam Rodriguez, whatever the fuck guy's name is. | ||
| Juan Manuel Marquez. | ||
| No, no, I meant like our Derek Jeter. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, he is. | ||
| He's a badass motherfucker. | ||
| And he fights for the pride of Mexico, too, along with it. | ||
| And he's a Mexican boxer, man. | ||
| Those Mexican boxers are fucking gangsters. | ||
| Punch me, beat me, and you will not knock me out. | ||
| Yeah, there's been some of the best fighters ever. | ||
| Julio Cesar Chavez... | ||
| In his prime is probably one of my all-time favorite boxers to watch because he would just beat dudes down with volume punching. | ||
| He wouldn't punch even full blast 100%. | ||
| He wouldn't engage in wild slugfest. | ||
| He would just fucking methodically move and throw beatings on dudes and hit them with body shots and break guys. | ||
| Just slowly, slowly break guys. | ||
| And even guys that were more talented than him. | ||
| Did you see the Meldrick Taylor fight? | ||
| Wait, Meldrick Taylor? | ||
| Meldrick Taylor's the guy who can barely speak now? | ||
| Dude, yeah. | ||
| Dude, dude, dude, dude! | ||
| What a fight that was! | ||
| What a war that was! | ||
| Yeah, I did see that. | ||
| Meldrick Taylor was boxing Julio Cesar Chavez's face off for most of the 12-round fight. | ||
| And then, towards the end, Chavez connects and starts connecting on him in the final round and nails him with a right hand and drops him. | ||
| He gets up with like three seconds to go or something crazy like that on the clock. | ||
| Richard Steele waves it off, and he calls the fight. | ||
| So Chavez came from this beating by this young, incredibly fast, like technically sound Olympic boxer where he was just getting lit up. | ||
| And it looked like, wow, he's just too good. | ||
| He's too good. | ||
| He's too fast. | ||
| But Chavez just slowly kept methodically breaking him down, slowly breaking him down to the body, and then eventually overcame him. | ||
| In the very last seconds of the fight, overcame him and would have for sure stopped him. | ||
| If Richard Steele made him stand up again, it didn't matter. | ||
| He would have stopped him. | ||
| He would have jumped on him again. | ||
| Eight seconds is not enough. | ||
| He wouldn't have lasted. | ||
| He was done. | ||
| Or whatever it was. | ||
| It was two or one seconds. | ||
| It was the right call. | ||
| Meldrick Taylor was fucked up. | ||
| He was pissing blood. | ||
| And he was never the same again. | ||
| And if you watch videos of him, he stalks with a pronounced, staggering stutter. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That is one of the most... | |
| Like, obvious examples of a fighter who has a really tough fight, like an all-time epic battle, and then essentially never reaches that performance level again. | ||
| And you don't know whether or not it's physical, like it took a lot out of their body, which, you know, does play a factor. | ||
| A real big beating like that, I mean, a real war, that can really, those body shots that Chavez hit him with over and over again, that could really wreck havoc on you. | ||
| And then you also got to consider his motivation. | ||
| When a guy gets beat up, sometimes they don't have the zest and the fire that they had when they were undefeated and they thought they were unstoppable. | ||
| That's me. | ||
| Yeah, piss-strong dudes, man. | ||
| They just fucking, you know, young and full of confidence. | ||
| They got the world at their feet. | ||
| They feel like there's... | ||
| I've run into so many guys, especially in the UFC, these young guys with this incredible confidence. | ||
| Incredible confidence. | ||
| And then you see them have a really tough fight. | ||
| You'll see them have a really tough fight. | ||
| And then you'll see them re-engage and sort of look at this a little bit different and go, okay, you know what? | ||
| Everybody's vulnerable. | ||
| Okay, let's not get crazy here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's not get crazy. | |
| Let's do something stupid. | ||
| If we're going to do this, let's do this intelligently. | ||
| And the ones that think that way, they have a long life in the sport. | ||
| And the ones that don't, those are the ones that, you know, they have a few epic contests where they essentially have a really, really difficult time recovering from, whether it's psychologically, whether it's physically. | ||
| You know, those really, really tough ones, those are the hard ones to come back from. | ||
| Getting your ass kicked is more psychological, I think. | ||
| It is, but it's important for people, too. | ||
| It's a humility thing. | ||
| You need to know that that's possible to you. | ||
| You can't always be the hammer. | ||
| And for a lot of young, fast people, especially, a lot of young athletic people, they're always the hammer. | ||
| You get used to being the hammer. | ||
| You're terrified of being the nail. | ||
| Once you've taken some shots before and you understand, like, this is a give and receive, bitch. | ||
| This isn't just a give. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And sometimes you're going to get fucked up, just like the way you like to fuck up other people. | ||
| Sometimes you're going to... | ||
| As long as we can accept that and understand that, then you can look at this whole thing rationally. | ||
| And instead of thinking, you know, with this crazy confidence that you're on top... | ||
| So, guys, games change. | ||
| And it can change for the better, or it can change for the worse. | ||
| All dependent on how committed they are to their goals. | ||
| I thought I was a badass at 15. Like, badass. | ||
| Why'd you think that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Because I hadn't been beaten up. | ||
| I was terrified at 15. Really? | ||
| Afraid of everybody. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Man, and you were taking... | ||
| That's why I really got into Taekwondo. | ||
| Yeah, I just thought I was tough. | ||
| I was big. | ||
| Like, I was a bigger kid. | ||
| Like, I was in the top of the level of the height and size, and I just thought I was tough. | ||
| And then you get your dick knocked in the dirt a couple times, and you're like, okay. | ||
| I got humiliated in what wasn't really a fight. | ||
| It wasn't a fight, but it was a bigger kid who just did something to me. | ||
| Peed on you? | ||
| No, he wrestled me to the ground. | ||
| He, like, hip-tossed me to the ground. | ||
| We were just playing around. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, like... | ||
| I don't remember what started off. | ||
| I wasn't really that friendly with him, but I was like, hey, what's up? | ||
| You know, it was one of those things. | ||
| And somehow or another, we were in the locker room, like, leaving. | ||
| And we said something, and we were joking around, and he pushed me, and I pushed him back. | ||
| We grabbed each other, and he hip-tossed me on the ground and just laid on top of me for a couple seconds. | ||
| And I couldn't get up. | ||
| I didn't know how to get up. | ||
| And then he let me up and he laughed about it. | ||
| It wasn't really a fight, but he humiliated me. | ||
| But it was enough that you weren't cool with it. | ||
| I wasn't cool with the fact that he could do that. | ||
| I was like, shit! | ||
|
unidentified
|
That guy just fucking threw me on the ground and I couldn't do a thing about it. | |
| So then I started wrestling. | ||
| That's when I took wrestling. | ||
| Seriously? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| I was like, that was ridiculous. | ||
| Because I had an inflated sense of what I could do physically. | ||
| Because I thought that physically, I'm a really strong guy. | ||
| I know how to strike. | ||
| Like, you know, if anyone wants to get in a fight, I'll fucking kick you in the balls. | ||
| You have all these stupid ideas in your head of what you're going to do while you're a badass. | ||
| Then some guy just hip tosses you and lays on top of you, and you're like, I can't give this guy off me. | ||
| Like, I couldn't get him off me. | ||
| I just couldn't. | ||
| I had to give up, and he let me up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But it was like... | |
| It was a huge eye-opener. | ||
| Luckily, he was a nice guy. | ||
| He didn't beat me up or anything once he had me down. | ||
| But it was a good eye-opening message. | ||
| That's so funny because I had practiced none of the real striking. | ||
| I had practiced the talking before the fight. | ||
| You were good at that? | ||
| I would do it in my mirror. | ||
| Yes, I'd be like, you want to fuck a piece of this? | ||
| I'll fuck you up. | ||
| I'll fuck you up three ways from Sunday. | ||
| I would practice it and I would shirt off and flex. | ||
| I think every kid did that. | ||
| Every one of our kids, all our guys in, like, there was a gang called the Cavemen. | ||
| You were in a gang? | ||
| No, no, no, I wasn't. | ||
| Well, I was. | ||
| I was in a gang called EBU. The Cavemen? | ||
| There was a gang called the Cavemen in Tampa, and the Cavemen were, like, these public school kids, but from the rich public school. | ||
| And they were just getting fights all the time with Jesuit kids. | ||
| I went to Jesuit. | ||
| And I was in a gang, not a gang, but a club called EPU. And EPU and cavemen fought all the time. | ||
| So from my junior year until my senior year, even my sophomore year, you always had to be aware of the cavemen. | ||
| And so you'd go to a party and a fight would break out and it would be the cavemen. | ||
| And so then that's when I was like, that's it, I gotta learn how to fight. | ||
| But I never really learned how to fight, I just learned how to talk shit. | ||
| Pfft. | ||
| What was your opening move, just to be loud and crazy? | ||
| Let them know that you're in for some dangerous shit. | ||
| I remember the first time I ever punched someone, it was... | ||
| The first time I ever punched someone was a black dude. | ||
| Then another gang, I think from Robinson, I think it was called... | ||
| You were in a gang. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| I wasn't in a gang. | ||
| I was just in a club. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I was in an after school club at my school and everyone else had gangs. | ||
| But then our after school club was the one that got involved with gangs. | ||
| But it wasn't even gangs. | ||
| It wasn't even gangs. | ||
| It was just fucking high school kids. | ||
| It wasn't like real gangs. | ||
| So nobody got killed. | ||
| No. | ||
| Someone got killed. | ||
| Just fist fights. | ||
| Definitely guys got beat up. | ||
| And then there was one gang from, I think, Robinson. | ||
| I think they were called TWT. And were you affiliated with anybody? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Yeah, well, yeah. | ||
| I was a part of this EPU group. | ||
| What is the EPU? E Pluribus Unum. | ||
| It's on the penny. | ||
| Ours had some Latin significance to it. | ||
| Everyone else was like, TWT, together we thump! | ||
| The cavemen. | ||
| So you were in a gang? | ||
| Gang is a very strong word for what we were. | ||
| We were a group of guys who all went to school together. | ||
| The guys who played football and baseball and... | ||
| And wrestled. | ||
| And we were like the cooler guys at our school. | ||
| And we were in this group called EPU that was a sanctioned group by the school. | ||
| You had initiations where you got paddled. | ||
| And you initiated into it. | ||
| But it just happens that the one guy, the head of EPU in like 1988, got into a fight with a caveman. | ||
| And so all the fucking... | ||
| EPU always fought cavemen. | ||
| EPU fought whoever went in Robinson or Hillsborough. | ||
| And so at a young age, you realized you had to stay away from those fucking people. | ||
| So the first punch I ever thought... | ||
| So I heard a fight, this is a story I've told on stand-up many a time, but the short, honest version of it is, I was at a party, someone yelled fight, and I thought all of EPU, all my friends were going to come and watch it, and I rolled out, and it's one caveman, right, and the whole TWT, together we thump posse. | ||
| Like, it's all black dudes and one white caveman. | ||
| And I stick my head in, and I actually know this caveman. | ||
| I know his reputation, but he's unconscious on the fucking floor. | ||
| His name was Mario. | ||
| He was fighting this guy Donovan. | ||
| And I stuck my head in, and the second I stuck my head in, they were like, oh, here's his brother. | ||
| Get him, too. | ||
| And they pushed me in, and I was like, well, I'm not his brother. | ||
| I'm not even his friend. | ||
| Like, I'm not on anyone's team. | ||
| I'm on a different team. | ||
| But they think we're on the same team because we're wearing the away uniforms, you know? | ||
| So this guy beat the... | ||
| Beat the shit out of me standing. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, I didn't fall. | ||
| He didn't kick me. | ||
| But I never at any point did it look like I won. | ||
| And I did a lot of trying to talk my way out of it. | ||
| While he was hitting you, you were trying to talk to him? | ||
| I was like, man, I'm not. | ||
| And he just pounded me. | ||
| And he was like, oh. | ||
| And he was talking shit as he was fighting me. | ||
| Just weird shit. | ||
| Like, you follow me around the mall, motherfucker? | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| And he's like, follow me around the mall, bitch. | ||
| See what happens. | ||
| See what happens. | ||
| This is what's up. | ||
| This is what's up. | ||
| It just popped in me. | ||
| So the first punch I ever threw was then. | ||
| And I go to throw a punch, but I'd never thrown a punch before. | ||
| I'd only worked on talking shit. | ||
| So my shit talking was out the door, so I'm getting my ass kicked. | ||
| So I go to throw a punch, but it was more like a... | ||
| It was like a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop in the name of love! | |
| Before you break my heart, think it over. | ||
| And I literally, my hand landed in this high top fade. | ||
| It went into his hair. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| And I remember thinking to myself, and this is, the joke is very different than this, but the truth is, went into his hair and I held it there because I thought, I never touched a black person's hair before. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha! | |
| And I fucking moved my fingers around a little bit. | ||
| He didn't move. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, the cops showed up. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And the cops showed up and then all the fucking brothers fucking took off. | ||
| Except for this guy. | ||
| The cops showed up because they knew there was a fight going on. | ||
| The cops showed up. | ||
| Two squad cars. | ||
| Two rednecks. | ||
| And the other guy's still out cold. | ||
| Out fucking cold. | ||
| What'd they do to him? | ||
| He was just laying on the ground. | ||
| You got there, he'd already been knocked out. | ||
| That guy, when I stuck my head in, he was unconscious, and this guy Donovan, who is standing over him, beating him, pummeling him, and I fucking stuck my head in. | ||
| Thank God I did. | ||
| The kid might be dead. | ||
| But I stuck my head in, and I was like, oh, I don't want any of that. | ||
| What he ordered, I'll take something else. | ||
| That kind of damage when a guy is out, and a guy gets beat up while he's out, kicked his head. | ||
| Sometimes people never recover. | ||
| That dude that got really fucked up in L.A., At Dodger Stadium? | ||
| At the Dodger Stadium, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, because he was wearing, I guess he was wearing another jersey from another team. | ||
| That shit scares the fuck out of me. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| I mean, maybe he did other things. | ||
| I don't know why they beat his ass, but they definitely shouldn't have done what they did. | ||
| What they did was horrific, man. | ||
| It was a nightmare. | ||
| I have no idea how that guy behaved, but, you know, they need, obviously they need more security. | ||
| There's no way they should be allowing that many people into a place like that, to a position where that kind of shit can happen. | ||
| Oh, Dodger Stadium's sketchy. | ||
| They need to tighten that down, man. | ||
| You know, when a guy gets beat down like that, like, shit, man. | ||
| You need to be able to protect people from thugs. | ||
| There should be a fucking guy code. | ||
| The numbers are too high. | ||
| First of all, those people are... | ||
| Anybody who would do that is a sick fuck. | ||
| And you know what we're having here, man? | ||
| It's a classic example of people not caring about terrible neighborhoods. | ||
| Those terrible neighborhoods have more kids come out of them and more kids come out of them that want to do fucked up things. | ||
| And that's just the way it goes. | ||
| You ignore that part of the country... | ||
| You know what? | ||
| That's a very accurate statement because the other day I realized I don't judge a man based on his skin color in the slightest. | ||
| I judge him based on their age. | ||
| Age is the most fucking determining factor. | ||
| When we were in Amsterdam... | ||
| I meet a lot of smart young dudes, man. | ||
| There's a lot more today, I think, than I've ever met in the past. | ||
| I meet dudes that are like 20 years old that are on the fucking ball. | ||
| That does happen, but you know who's throwing punches at bars? | ||
| 20-year-olds. | ||
| Yeah, it's always going to be that, man. | ||
| It's always going to be a certain percentage of them. | ||
| Not a lot of 39-year-olds throwing fucking sucker punches. | ||
| There are plenty. | ||
| There's some losers that never got it together. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| You underestimate. | ||
| There's a lot of go to Vegas. | ||
| Hang out in those fucking crap dens. | ||
| Watch the degenerate gamblers at the horse track. | ||
| There's plenty of 39-year-olds. | ||
| I guess you can't stereotype anything, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, they're just tireder. | ||
| It's less likely. | ||
| They don't have the gumption. | ||
| They get winded quicker. | ||
| Yeah, they just don't have the gumption to get up and give you a fucking ass kicking. | ||
| It depends on what they ate for lunch. | ||
| Yeah, they might have had a burrito and they just got no energy and they're just ready to shit their pants. | ||
| If a guy talks shit to you, when was the last time a guy talked shit to you? | ||
| Oh, I don't know. | ||
| I mean, it happens. | ||
| It hasn't happened in a long time. | ||
| Most people are really nice to me. | ||
| I'm very lucky. | ||
| When people say, what's the downside to people knowing who you are when you go to the UFC or comedy shows? | ||
| Like a stranger or somebody you paid to do that? | ||
| A stranger. | ||
| What the fuck are you eating, dick? | ||
| Thank God you're broadcasting. | ||
| I'm meeting DMT. So yeah, you haven't had a confrontation in a while? | ||
| No, people are generally cool. | ||
| I'm nice. | ||
| I think if you come to me with some sort of a predetermined idea of who I am or what you think about something I said once and you're angry at me, Then it's probably not going to be a fun conversation. | ||
| I've had that happen before, where people misinterpret something I said or take it out of context or disagree with it, you know? | ||
| And that can happen. | ||
| But for the most part, most people that meet me are nice. | ||
| Nice. | ||
| And even when someone does, I'm like, listen, man, it's just an opinion, you know? | ||
| I don't have to get... | ||
| People get so goddamn attached to their opinions. | ||
| If you just stop and go, who the fuck knows? | ||
| And stop and go, well, maybe you're right. | ||
| That clears up a lot of shit. | ||
| It's really simple. | ||
| And then a little Google. | ||
| Add that to the mix and you should be dealing with much less problems. | ||
| We should have, because of Google, for real, we should probably have I'd say a 75% reduction in arguments between human beings. | ||
| They should be resolved 75% quicker, just from the access to information. | ||
| Because how many goddamn arguments, when we were kids, came out of one guy talking out of his fucking ass, and you knowing it, but you not having an encyclopedia handy? | ||
| Oh yeah, and you just would fight that until the day, and you know, that's a cocksucker that thinks that movie went straight to video. | ||
| It didn't go straight to video. | ||
| They don't even make movies straight to video. | ||
| That was in the movie theaters for at least two weeks, I know, because my dad told me. | ||
| Those are frustrating conversations, man. | ||
| And you never had closure. | ||
| Kenny Suarez knows that. | ||
| Kenny Suarez, what did he say? | ||
| Fucking the movies go straight to fucking video. | ||
| And I was like, that doesn't happen. | ||
| It was a fucking nightmare fight when we were kids. | ||
| And I still remember it. | ||
| We had fights. | ||
| You'd argue with someone and you'd just get into it with them and you just would never have closure. | ||
| And you'd fucking be like, fine, we agree to disagree and I'll just hate your guts secretly behind your back. | ||
| Bert Kreischer talking about how he handles relationships. | ||
| Everybody has their own approach. | ||
| What's yours? | ||
| Call us now at 1-800- What is it? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm from Chicago right now, and I have a question for Bert Kreischer. | |
| Shoot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bert, my wife has three nipples, but both of them are on her asshole. | |
| She has three, but both. | ||
| Are they like circling her asshole, like crop circles? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, they're inside, but you can feel them with your finger, and if you come down here, we'll show you. | |
| I need to know what to do, though. | ||
| You need to bail on this one. | ||
| No, I like these failed improvs. | ||
| What's on the actual breast area where the nipple would have been? | ||
| Where the areola is? | ||
| Is there an areola with no nipple? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Car keys, mostly. | |
| Have you ever dated a girl who had essentially an areola and no nipple? | ||
| Have you ever dated a girl like that? | ||
| I've dated girls that areolas have been chopped off and then they've had boobs put in them and then sewn back on. | ||
| And then that's like a ghost nipple in some ways, you know? | ||
| That's not like a... | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know what I mean? | |
| I want to be a ghost nipple. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want to be a ghost nipple. | |
| What is that? | ||
| Is that a real song? | ||
| No, I just made that up. | ||
| I saw your girlfriend's butthole. | ||
| Yeah, that was a song that I... We were barbecued one night and we were hanging out with him and he had just started dating this particular lass. | ||
| And for some reason, we started singing a song called I Saw Your Girlfriend's Butthole. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Here's photographs of her. | ||
| Yeah, here's a picture of her right now. | ||
| That's a distorted picture. | ||
| See, that's a nice picture. | ||
| It's from Howard Stern's picture. | ||
| Pretty girl. | ||
| Brian, how'd that happen? | ||
| How'd you ever hook up with a chick like that? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Do you have sex totally naked, Brian? | ||
| Yeah, well, when he's not wearing girls' clothes. | ||
| No, I wear a shirt like the pool. | ||
| You wear a shirt like the pool? | ||
| I usually wear a jersey, like a polo. | ||
| Have you ever had sex with clothes on? | ||
| Well, I guess you have like quickie sex with a shirt on. | ||
| Like Kevin James, I would think, would have sex with a shirt on. | ||
| No, but he seems like a guy that he's always got a hat on. | ||
| He's always got something covered, you know? | ||
| Yeah, Kevin is an interesting guy. | ||
| Kevin's a really interesting guy. | ||
| I went to his house one time a long time ago and got fucking Bellotto in front of him. | ||
| And I just watched him look at me, like, studying me, like, how does this happen? | ||
| You mean Bellotto drunk? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It was me and Gary Valentine. | ||
| Gary knows how to put him away. | ||
| Me and Gary started drinking in Vegas and ended at Kevin's house. | ||
| Many an evening drinking with Gary back in the day. | ||
| God damn. | ||
| He'll put him back. | ||
| He's a good dude. | ||
| They're both great guys. | ||
| I saw Gary Valentin one time at the improv take a shot of a candle. | ||
| He took a shot of him and put it back in. | ||
| He goes, that wasn't a fucking shot. | ||
| Alright, let's keep going guys. | ||
| Let's keep going. | ||
| No, he drank it? | ||
| He just fucking shot it back in. | ||
| A candle hit him in the mouth and he put it back in. | ||
| He goes, that wasn't a shot. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Let's keep going guys. | |
| Man, Gary Valentine's a fucking party guy. | ||
| Wait, did I ever tell you what happened? | ||
| Oh, this is my favorite. | ||
| So wait, maybe I did. | ||
| Wait, so did I ever tell you what... | ||
| Do you remember Mike... | ||
| You know Mike Burton? | ||
| Mike Burton. | ||
| Comedian, bald, Jewish. | ||
| Probably. | ||
| Good body, but... | ||
| What? | ||
| I don't know why I'm saying that. | ||
| Good body? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What the fuck was that? | |
| I don't fucking know. | ||
| Stop. | ||
| What was that? | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| He just works out. | ||
| He works out and he teaches Krav Maga. | ||
| Krav Maga is the Israeli system of martial arts. | ||
| He teaches Krav Maga right now. | ||
| So anyway, so one time me, Gary, this guy Scott Henry, and Mike Burton are all drinking at Formosa Cafe. | ||
| This is like Thursday. | ||
| We don't have to work. | ||
| Gary and I are making money. | ||
| We're doing an act show. | ||
| And I go, I go, guys, let's go to Vegas. | ||
| And everyone's fucking in except for Burton. | ||
| He's like, I don't want to go. | ||
| Burton was a comic. | ||
| And he's stopped doing comedy since. | ||
| He was funny, but he wasn't like that funny. | ||
| So he goes, I don't want to go. | ||
| And Gary's like, come on, come on, Burton, let's go. | ||
| And he's like, I don't want to go. | ||
| I don't want to go. | ||
| So Gary goes, fuck it, I'm going to my house, I'm packing my bags, I'll meet you guys at Scott and Burton's house in like 30 minutes. | ||
| So we go, me, Burton, and Scott go to Scott and Burton's house, and Burton goes, ah, fuck it, I'll go. | ||
| I go, Burton, this is what you do. | ||
| Hide in the back of my truck, we're taking my escalator, or my navigator, whatever, in the way back. | ||
| Hide in the way back. | ||
| And we won't tell Gary you're going until halfway there. | ||
| When we get halfway to Vegas, you pop up and go, surprise, I'm coming! | ||
| So he goes, that's a great idea. | ||
| That's a great idea. | ||
| So we fucking pack the car and we're waiting. | ||
| Gary Valentine pulls up and parks his car and he comes up and he's like, what's up? | ||
| I said, hop in, we're ready. | ||
| And he goes, alright, Scott Henry's driving my truck. | ||
| Gary hops in the back seat and he goes, where's Burton? | ||
| And we go, well, he couldn't come. | ||
| And Gary goes, let me tell you something about my motherfucker. | ||
| Let me tell you why he's not a good comic for one. | ||
| And all of a sudden I'm looking in the room and I see Burton's head sit up in the way back. | ||
| And he goes, because he's not fucking funny and I don't have the heart to tell him. | ||
| He shouldn't. | ||
| And he starts fucking tearing Burton apart. | ||
| And we are in Hollywood. | ||
| Until we get on the fucking ten, all of a sudden Burton goes, I go, Gary, can you reach in the back and pass me a beer? | ||
| He reaches back and he sees Burton. | ||
| He goes, hey Burton, how you doing? | ||
| Turns and looks at me and goes, you weren't going to tell me he was in the fucking car? | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Most uncomfortable the whole rest of the ride to Vegas. | ||
| They just spoke in the backseat, just talked, hashed it out, and no one spoke to each other the rest of the weekend. | ||
| Fucking uncomfortable. | ||
| Sometimes dudes will blow up and they don't even mean exactly what they're saying. | ||
| They're just frustrated with their own lives. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And they find something about someone else, whether it's a minor glitch in their system or whatever, and they just start poking at it. | ||
| And it's sort of a distraction to turn that same... | ||
| Objectivity and insight to yourself. | ||
| Yeah, I've done it. | ||
| When I was younger in this business, I would definitely take apart someone I did not know and look at their act and be like, you could get me started on someone and I would destroy that motherfucker and pick apart everything. | ||
| For no reason. | ||
| All they had to say was, hey man, I'm a big fan of your stuff. | ||
| I'd be like, I like you too. | ||
| I'm a big fan of you too. | ||
| Love you. | ||
| I've been a big fan for a long time. | ||
| But there are dudes that are annoying. | ||
| There's no getting past that. | ||
| There are guys who get up there and they're annoying. | ||
| But you've just got to avoid them. | ||
| I just avoid their acts. | ||
| That's the best way. | ||
| Just kind of get out of their way when they're up. | ||
| But you can do that. | ||
| When you're young, a lot of times you've got to follow that person. | ||
| Well, the follow is not the real issue. | ||
| It's when someone tells you what you can't do. | ||
| You ever have that when you open for those guys? | ||
| Oh, fuck that! | ||
| That is... | ||
| There's some real negative dudes out there. | ||
| They'll start to micromanage your act. | ||
| When you work at B clubs, that happens a lot. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The headline will tell you, whatever you do, you can't talk about farming. | ||
| You can have your whole opening bit about farming. | ||
| How about I have a different bit about farming than you do? | ||
| Is that okay? | ||
| What the fuck, dude? | ||
| You can't tell me what I can't talk about. | ||
| It's one thing if a guy purposely tries to step on your material, and that I'm sure you've had happen as well. | ||
| I've had that happen a ton. | ||
| Where you open or you have one day where you'll be the headliner and he'll be the middle act and he'll have a certain set and it'll do well and then you'll have a bunch of bits on certain subjects and all of a sudden the next night he magically has these new bits that you can tell are new bits. | ||
| They cut off short. | ||
| They're not expanded on. | ||
| And they're about the same exact subjects that you talk about. | ||
| And they're just... | ||
| Sometimes it's not even... | ||
| It's a roadblock. | ||
| It's just stepping on what you're about to talk about. | ||
| He's trying to make your act less effective on purpose. | ||
| Fucking exhausting. | ||
| It is. | ||
| And it's happened to me so much. | ||
| It happens to a lot of comics when they're in like 32. They're not making a ton of money. | ||
| They're making $1,200 on the road. | ||
| And they've got some feature act making $700. | ||
| Who's like, fuck this guy. | ||
| I've never heard of him. | ||
| I'm going to make sure that they flip-flop this at the end of the week. | ||
| And they sell like five DVDs with two t-shirts. | ||
| And they'll undercut your sales. | ||
| I'm selling a DVD for $20. | ||
| And this guy's like, I'm selling all my shit for $25. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| It's really unfortunate. | ||
| The only way you should go to do shows with someone is if you're friends with someone. | ||
| I love doing the K-Rock shows because I know all those people that do those. | ||
| They have that big April Foolishness show on April Fool's Day or April Fool's Day weekend, whatever it is. | ||
| And it's always at that huge place in Universal. | ||
| What is that theater in Universal? | ||
| It's like 6,000 fucking people. | ||
| And it's all a lot of people that I don't normally hang out with. | ||
| But everybody's really funny. | ||
| You kind of know them all from the business. | ||
| But it's way more fun when you're working and you're working on the road with friends. | ||
| It's way more fun. | ||
| For whatever reason, some comics want them to be the only one that is getting the laughs. | ||
| They can't just have a good set and then you have a good set too. | ||
| It's a competition. | ||
| It's one-on-one. | ||
| I'm the funniest motherfucker in this club tonight. | ||
| I need to be the one that when they exit, they go, you were funnier than that guy. | ||
| They need that. | ||
| And then it becomes what we were talking about earlier before we even started rolling about being addicted to killing. | ||
| Being addicted to killing is the worst thing that can ever happen to a comic. | ||
| Because I heard you and Brewer talk about this maybe seven years ago, six years ago. | ||
| And it was when Dane was blowing up. | ||
| And you guys were saying that Dane is the perfect guy that's addicted to killing. | ||
| It's like exactly what we were talking about with your friend. | ||
| They don't want to stop doing the bit because the bit works. | ||
| And even though they know it's unethical to continue to do the bit... | ||
| Because it's really your story that they're repeating. | ||
| They can't help it because it's so powerful. | ||
| It's such a weapon to use. | ||
| If you want these people to love you, you want these people to think you're the funniest guy ever, boom, how about this brilliant impression with this perfect story that is so fucking hilarious? | ||
| You're going to be holding your stomach laughing. | ||
| The brilliance of it all. | ||
| But in reality, he shouldn't be saying it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're addicted to killing. | ||
| It is... | ||
| It's hard, man, because bombing sucks, and a lot of times people think that bombing is the alternative when it's not. | ||
| The alternative is just not killing. | ||
| And I think a lot of guys who, especially like, I remember Attell never killed. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He always killed to comics. | ||
| We always loved him. | ||
| But a lot of times, he'd do 50-50 in the room at the cellar. | ||
| Because, in all honesty, he was working on new shit all the time. | ||
| All the time. | ||
| He was always taking a bit. | ||
| And it was not about the crowd. | ||
| It was not about them. | ||
| He knew if he wanted to, he could murder that crowd in a heartbeat. | ||
| For him, it was about the art and finding the right way how to kill someone with a hammer. | ||
| What's the funniest way to kill someone with a hammer? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| How do you kill? | ||
| And he would, I swear to God, he must have said, kill someone with a hammer 150 times when I lived in New York and tried to work that out. | ||
| And you'd watch him. | ||
| Louis C.K., it was about him figuring shit out. | ||
| I worked with Louis right after Georgia, my oldest, was born. | ||
| And Dave, right back to back. | ||
| And Louis, I'm saying this in all fondness, Louis bombed for a weekend. | ||
| He had a rough weekend. | ||
| But he was doing all the material that defined him as a comic today that is the murderous, shameful hour that he did. | ||
| The shameless or shameful? | ||
| Shameless? | ||
| The one that defined... | ||
| The definitive hour of Louis C.K. where you went, okay, he's my new favorite comic. | ||
| He was doing all that and he was working on it. | ||
| For him, it wasn't about killing. | ||
| It was about... | ||
| Getting this concept of being a regular guy, thinking your kids are a dick, wanting to eat whatever the fuck you want, being married to someone who's a little micromanaging, being Louis C.K. He wanted to get that idea out, so he didn't give a shit. | ||
| I remember going up and murdering as a feature. | ||
| And then Louis would go up and kind of like... | ||
| Struggle and figure out. | ||
| He was figuring shit out. | ||
| You could definitely see he was working. | ||
| I remember in my head going, I was so fucking impressed that he did not care. | ||
| I'm sure he cared about killing. | ||
| I'm sure that mattered. | ||
| But I was so impressed that he had a bigger goal. | ||
| He wanted to create new material quickly. | ||
| Yeah, he wanted to make, he wanted to make, he wanted to change his style. | ||
| His style was goofy, absurd, you know, kind of, I always, I don't know why, but I think of like top, top ten fucking humor for some reason. | ||
| It was like, it was like goofy stuff. | ||
| Top ten humor? | ||
| I don't know why I say that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't know. | |
| What does that mean? | ||
| But I always thought of that. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know how else to say it. | ||
| Oh, do you mean like one of those, like a pole, like top ten funniest things that happen, like that kind of humor? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It was like, it was top ten. | ||
| Oh, top ten. | ||
| Yeah, like it was like a tent. | ||
| I don't know why I think that. | ||
| Maybe this hour special had a tent. | ||
| His old stuff was really silly. | ||
| His old stuff was silly. | ||
| It was like goofy. | ||
| Yeah, like, he'd go, his joke was like, want to see me order anything old diner style? | ||
| Diner style? | ||
| You want to see a diner style? | ||
| Order something, ma'am. | ||
| She'd go, two eggs, bacon, and pancakes. | ||
| He goes, you want something to drink? | ||
| She's like, orange juice. | ||
| He goes, all right, I need two monkeys riding sidecar. | ||
| I need two flapjacks. | ||
| Take them up. | ||
| And he'd do this whole fucking hilarious rant. | ||
| And then he'd go, I'm going to need two eggs over easy, bacon, and pancakes with some orange juice. | ||
| Like, and that was the bit. | ||
| Wasn't who he is now at all. | ||
| It was more absurdist. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But man, I remember watching that and going, motherfucker, I wish I had the balls. | ||
| Because I was a feature at the time. | ||
| I felt like if I didn't kill, I wouldn't work ever again. | ||
| Yeah, that's the fear. | ||
| It's the fear. | ||
| It's the hardest part of coming up with new material or changing gears. | ||
| God forbid when you get a guy who's like a musical guy and decides to try to put the guitar down. | ||
| Oh, shit, man. | ||
| I've seen that go horribly wrong. | ||
| Mitzi Shore used to yell at them. | ||
| She used to yell at them. | ||
| There was a series of guys that were guitar comics who had some kind of funny songs, but they resented the fact that they were not considered legitimate comedians by the rest of the comedians. | ||
| They did something that was a little extra... | ||
| If you just had to go up there and talk, you would eat dicks up there. | ||
| It's a little... | ||
| I mean, look, here's the thing. | ||
| You pull out a guitar, and everyone's like, Oh, it's a guitar! | ||
| It's entertaining! | ||
| There's nothing wrong with it. | ||
| Not saying there's anything wrong with it, but what I'm saying is there was a bunch of guys who got pretty good with a guitar, and then they tried to put the guitar down and just go on their own personality, and they would eat dicks up there. | ||
| But Mitzi sure used to yell at them. | ||
| I'll never forget. | ||
| This dude was on stage, and he was... | ||
| He was just choking it up there. | ||
| He just didn't have it. | ||
| It was out of rhythm. | ||
| They don't have a rhythm. | ||
| They don't know the rhythm. | ||
| Yeah, he couldn't just introduce the next song. | ||
| This next song I wrote when I was thinking about I Dream of Jeannie in a bubble bath with my dog. | ||
| Hey, there's no setup. | ||
| It's just you doing stand-up. | ||
| There's no guitar to pull out. | ||
| There's no pretending you're having a good time. | ||
| Thank you, thank you, thank you. | ||
| It's listening, claps. | ||
| There's none of that. | ||
| It's just you talking. | ||
| There's no, like, tuning the guitar when you need a... | ||
| Oh, let me... | ||
| Hold on one sec. | ||
| And so Mitzi, the kid's on stage doing this. | ||
| Mitzi goes, Go get the guitar! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't ever go on stage without the guitar! | |
| I kind of wish I had known Mitzi. | ||
| She's a one-of-a-kind. | ||
| You still meet her. | ||
| Oh, she's still alive? | ||
| Yeah, she's still alive. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, really? | |
| Sure, if you want to still meet her. | ||
| She's in poor health, though. | ||
| She's had a hard time. | ||
| I met Paulie one time. | ||
| He was a dick. | ||
| Well, you know, I'm a big fan of his brother. | ||
| His brother, Scott. | ||
| He's a good buddy of mine. | ||
| I love that guy. | ||
| I said to Paulie in front of... | ||
| Louis Anderson introduced us. | ||
| I always mix Louis Anderson. | ||
| Paulie can be a nice guy. | ||
| He's got the potential to be a nice guy. | ||
| He just doesn't always choose to be. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| And it seems like whatever it is, it's really weird because every time you meet him, most of the time, it's like, hey, he's just a nice guy, very friendly. | ||
| And then he has a bad, weird side, I guess. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| You know, whatever. | ||
| Did you ever choke him out? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Me? | |
| No. | ||
| No, never did. | ||
| I never even really... | ||
| I mean, I got more upset with how ridiculous the whole situation was at the Comedy Store than Pauly. | ||
| Pauly was just a part of a machine over there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, whatever position Pauly plays in it now, I don't know. | ||
| Speaking of the machine, Cyber Cell Monday. | ||
| I got machine shirts at burtburtburt.com. | ||
| Keep going. | ||
| Cyber Sale Monday. | ||
| Today, Cyber Sale Monday. | ||
| So what happens? | ||
| What do they get off? | ||
| They get like same price as normal, I think. | ||
| I don't know how to change it. | ||
| They get same price as normal on a Cyber Sale? | ||
| That's not a fucking Cyber Sale. | ||
| Right now, we have a Cyber Sale at Onnit.com, O-N-N-I-T. Put in the code word Cyber, you get 25% off. | ||
| You don't have a real fucking... | ||
| I actually think that everyone should go to Doug.com instead of going to Amazon.com. | ||
| If you go to D-U-G-G-E-D.com, Brian, explain to me why that's good. | ||
| If you're going to shop on Amazon.com, Doug.com just forwards you to Amazon.com, but any time you spend a dollar, I get six cents, and it goes towards this studio that we're recording in. | ||
| So Amazon doesn't charge them any more? | ||
| Huh? | ||
| Doesn't charge them any more for the product? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| It just gives you a kickback. | ||
| It just gives us a kickback for promoting people to Amazon.com. | ||
| But it seems like they're stealing money for themselves. | ||
| Maybe they haven't figured it all out. | ||
| Wait, how are we making money on this? | ||
| This is how Amazon's going to fold. | ||
| Amazon, get your shit together. | ||
| You're my favorite. | ||
| And all the online shopping options. | ||
| I went to Black Friday, by the way, and that was straight up scary. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That was like being at Woodstock, but if it was all wrappers, I guess. | ||
| Wait, what did you get at Black Friday? | ||
| These projectors in the background and stuff like that. | ||
| But it was... | ||
| These projectors right here? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What is this movie? | ||
| I don't remember. | ||
| You have it playing but you don't know? | ||
| This studio is starting to become really fucking badass. | ||
| So now you guys do a live show here Wednesday nights. | ||
| We do a live show here on various evenings. | ||
| It's not like every Wednesday night. | ||
| And then you come straight here to do the podcast? | ||
| Yeah, what we do is we do a podcast while we're doing... | ||
| I just kicked over his camera. | ||
| Is he still cool? | ||
| What we do is we do a podcast while everyone is going up on stage. | ||
| The other comics will be back here having a podcast. | ||
| Oh, come on. | ||
| Please, why can I do this? | ||
| Oh, dude, any time you want, man. | ||
| When is the next one you're doing? | ||
| 100% open in vacation. | ||
| Maybe this week. | ||
| Maybe this week. | ||
| We'll have to figure it out. | ||
| We'll figure it out. | ||
| Oh, do it this week. | ||
| Do it this week. | ||
| Yeah, if we do it this week, it'll either be Wednesday or Thursday. | ||
| Most likely Wednesday. | ||
| That's what Heather and I are now talking about doing, is doing something like that on the road with Ustream and fucking trying to... | ||
| But I'm not good with that shit. | ||
| You can do it, dude. | ||
| Just advertise it through Twitter. | ||
| Make a little Ustream show. | ||
| Heffron's in charge of everything. | ||
| Let him be in charge. | ||
| He's good at that shit. | ||
| He's smart as shit. | ||
| He put together an online survey. | ||
| Yeah, Heffron's brilliant. | ||
| He's a great guy, too. | ||
| And he's a fun guy to have on the road with you. | ||
| He's a real dude. | ||
| He's a real good guy. | ||
| He'll... | ||
| You'll have a good time. | ||
| Me, him, and Charlie Murphy went on a one-month tour of the country. | ||
| It was a good time. | ||
| They're cool motherfuckers. | ||
| I'm obsessed with Charlie Murphy. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He's so interesting. | ||
| He's a great guy, man. | ||
| I really love Charlie. | ||
| I ran into Charlie in Hawaii once, man. | ||
| It was one of the fucking coolest things ever. | ||
| Just random. | ||
| On vacation, the exact moment he was on vacation. | ||
| He's one of those guys I was truly happy to see him. | ||
| He's a real, legit dude. | ||
| He's one of the most honest people I've ever met that's in show business. | ||
| He came on the show and was telling me a story about his wife passing away. | ||
| I heard about raising his kids and doing the best he can, but he still has to travel on the road and sometimes he has to leave them and he doesn't want to and it breaks his heart. | ||
| It's powerful fucking shit. | ||
| I love the words he chooses. | ||
| He's got a 90-year-old man's vocabulary. | ||
| He says words like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Articulate. | |
| You're a crooner. | ||
| You're a crooner. | ||
| Like a crooner. | ||
| Who the fuck's a crooner? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Articulate his feelings on the matter. | |
| Go say that shit to Mike Tyson. | ||
| Is that like barbershop stuff, you think? | ||
| Or like J-Guys Diamonds? | ||
| How do they not have a black barbershop podcast? | ||
| Dude, if we got you together with Charlie in a room, you and Charlie Murphy. | ||
| Oh, I want to tell him a story. | ||
| For a story off. | ||
| Oh, I want to do a story off with Charlie Murphy. | ||
| I want me and Charlie to go out one night, right? | ||
| Have an evening, and then us both recant our evening to you. | ||
| Oh, yeah, but I think Charlie doesn't party like that anymore. | ||
| Charlie's got kids. | ||
| Put me with this young white boy with his smile and laugh. | ||
| That fucking laugh. | ||
| I would fucking die. | ||
| And then we start kissing and then we start peeing everywhere. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brian! | |
| Black guys do not play gay shit, Brian. | ||
| That's rule number one. | ||
| That's a good way to get knocked out, silly brother. | ||
| White guys love it. | ||
| If I could sneak around and put my dick on your shoulder, you'd be like, got me. | ||
| Yeah, and listen, there's a lot of black guys that are just looking for an opportunity to punch a guy like you. | ||
| So if I was you... | ||
| I hope everyone knows I was joking. | ||
| Back off of that shit. | ||
| I want to do that podcast that you do here. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| Please do it. | ||
| Are you in town this whole week? | ||
| I'm in town for like two weeks. | ||
| Oh my goodness, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| You are listening to this organically occur. | ||
| We are making an appointment for Bert Kreischer to be a part of the Ice House Chronicles. | ||
| Oh, I'm going to get a fucking car service out here. | ||
| The Ice House is our favorite new club here in California, man. | ||
| We're doing shows here all the time, as often as we can. | ||
| And we're doing podcasts here all the time, as often as we can. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck! | |
| He's looking great, man. | ||
| Who's going to be? | ||
| Is Matt Flavor going to be here? | ||
| If he's here, you never know. | ||
| But you can't call him Dooley Dog. | ||
| Listen. | ||
| I got things to do, dog. | ||
| I'll see you at the fucking show. | ||
| He doesn't like to come before the show. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm going to get Swartzen, man. | |
| Swartzen would do it in a heartbeat. | ||
| He'll do it. | ||
| He'll do it for sure. | ||
| I love that guy so much. | ||
| He cracks me up, man. | ||
| He's so fucking funny. | ||
| He only did the podcast for like 45 minutes. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know. | |
| We've got to have him back on. | ||
| There's like a sports game on. | ||
| He's like a big sports guy. | ||
| Yeah, he's a UFC fan. | ||
| Huge UFC fan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I see him all the time at the UFC. He loves it. | ||
| He's one of the sweetest, hardest guys that I have ever in this business. | ||
| One of the coolest things about doing this podcast, one of the coolest things about just being a comic in LA, is you get to meet a lot of goddamn interesting people. | ||
| Tell me about it, right? | ||
| Think about our lives in that respect. | ||
| All the wild stories that you told me, your fucking drinking story with Johnny Knoxville, and just the nutty shit that you've told me in the past. | ||
| Think about how fortunate you are in comparison to the average person. | ||
| The average person doesn't have those kind of experiences. | ||
| The average person doesn't live so insanely fun a life. | ||
| I get it. | ||
| I get it when I go on the road. | ||
| And the documentary guys will attest to this. | ||
| And I say this and I mean it. | ||
| I get the fans of this podcast come out to my shows in fucking droves. | ||
| Like droves. | ||
| But here's the most interesting thing. | ||
| They know I'm a fan of the podcast also. | ||
| So they end up sitting and talking to me for the entire night. | ||
| We sit at a bar and end up talking about our favorite podcast. | ||
| So we end up bullshitting about this podcast and then inevitably they're like, what's Joe's house look like? | ||
| And I just make up some story about Italians and fucking... | ||
| What's Italian? | ||
| Fucking something I just made up. | ||
| Italian? | ||
| Yeah, Italian. | ||
| I don't know what I was fucking talking about. | ||
| Brian, did you really work for NASA? Yes. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, that's cool, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look, we love doing this fucking podcast. | ||
| It's fun. | ||
| I was standing on the phone with you last night. | ||
| We had an in-depth conversation. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was saying this podcast has made... | ||
| It's so fascinating to be a part of because when I stand on stage, the second I get on stage, I see droves of people in machine shirts, all sold. | ||
| I got two pairs of that. | ||
| I got the light one, which I prefer. | ||
| A very thin sort of fabric. | ||
| I got one that's like a regular cotton t-shirt. | ||
| I prefer the super thin one. | ||
| It's got a little bit of sexy to it. | ||
| A little extra sexy. | ||
| You're the reason those things sell. | ||
| I swear to God. | ||
| You're the reason we're making this documentary. | ||
| You're the reason. | ||
| I got my Henderson Shogun shirt on. | ||
| No, I'm not the reason, dude. | ||
| All I am is an antenna that tuned into the greatness that is Burt. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| We just found you. | ||
| I couldn't make you funny. | ||
| I couldn't make you interesting. | ||
| Having you on this podcast is just, we're lucky. | ||
| I've never subscribed to the idea that someone should be happy that they come on someone's show and are entertaining as fuck for free for hours. | ||
| Oh, no, yeah. | ||
| Dude, we... | ||
| We have some really hilarious fucking shows with you, dude. | ||
| Oh, thank you. | ||
| I didn't make you. | ||
| You made yourself, dude. | ||
| You're you. | ||
| But we were talking about it last night, and it is a neat thing to be a part of. | ||
| Because when you stand on stage... | ||
| People love you, man. | ||
| So this is the fucking craziest thing. | ||
| So we do this special in Amsterdam for Showtime. | ||
| I get on stage in Amsterdam. | ||
| All Dutch crowd. | ||
| All Dutch crowd. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I get on stage, and I stand on stage. | ||
| Machine! | ||
| Fucking 13 people yelling the machine. | ||
| Am I fucking lying right now? | ||
| Where's the crew? | ||
| Out in fucking Amsterdam. | ||
| Dudes have the machine shirt on and they're screaming the machine in Amsterdam. | ||
| Now this is, everyone's had a rough set. | ||
| That's the beautiful thing about the podcast. | ||
| It's free everywhere. | ||
| It's outreach is out over fucking years. | ||
| Well, it's free, and it's everywhere, and it'll always be free. | ||
| Yeah, my ads are annoying, but it's always going to be free. | ||
| Fucking great, Pog. | ||
| The one you did with Attell is overwhelming. | ||
| It's one of my favorite interviews I've heard with Attell, especially when you told him he could smoke, because then all of a sudden Dave started really fucking relaxing. | ||
| Yeah, I knew I couldn't. | ||
| I just turned on the machine. | ||
| I was like, no big deal. | ||
| I love him. | ||
| I let him smoke. | ||
| And for him, he's a two-pack-a-day guy. | ||
| So for him, it's super hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, everybody harass Doug Stanhope. | ||
| Please, get after him. | ||
| Email him. | ||
| Get him on Twitter. | ||
| Tell him to do the podcast why he's in town this week, because he's doing an Irvine improv. | ||
| Stanhope's in town this week? | ||
| I'm calling a fatwa to attack the email of Douglas Stanhope. | ||
| Twitter. | ||
| And Twitter. | ||
| He doesn't read his Twitter. | ||
| He doesn't read his email either. | ||
| I'm going to call him later. | ||
| It's his Facebook. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All his tweets go to his Facebook page. | |
| What kind of whack-ass shit is that? | ||
| What is that shit, Brian? | ||
| Explain it. | ||
| Did you hear another fucking coach got caught with little kids? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Yeah, another coach today. | ||
| Some fucking... | ||
| I'll look it up online because I tweeted about it. | ||
| Is this one Colin Quinn tweeted about? | ||
| Did he tweet about it? | ||
| Colin Quinn's Twitter is so fucking funny. | ||
| Colin Quinn has been trolling everybody with this thing about Will Ferrell. | ||
| Yeah, but doing drugs. | ||
| Saying that he stole the idea. | ||
| Yeah, he stole the idea for Anchorman. | ||
| Will Ferrell. | ||
| And doing a lot of bad drugs. | ||
| He says bad drugs. | ||
| You can't see that's a Colin Quinn joke right there. | ||
| He was doing a lot of bad drugs. | ||
| And they picked it up on the Newswire, right? | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| It's so silly. | ||
| You can't see him saying, even the vernacular he uses, the words he chooses. | ||
| And he was doing a lot of bad drugs. | ||
| Like, that's a goddamn joke. | ||
| He's Colin Quinn. | ||
| What the fuck is wrong with you people? | ||
| Oh, Bobby Kelly. | ||
| Give me the residuals. | ||
| Give me the residuals. | ||
| I want my payback. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on, man. | |
| How do you not know he's brilliant? | ||
| Bobby Kelly told me the funniest Colin Quinn story. | ||
| I saw Bobby in New York. | ||
| We did his podcast, which is coming out next Monday. | ||
| It's You Know What, Dude? | ||
| That's the name of his podcast. | ||
| It was really fun. | ||
| His podcast is called Know What, Dude? | ||
| You Know What, Dude? | ||
| That's a great name for a podcast. | ||
| So Bobby says, have you ever met Colin? | ||
| I said, never met him, but I love him. | ||
| I think he's hilarious. | ||
| And then I see Bobby later that night, and he goes, you know, Colin said hi. | ||
| And I said, I don't think we've ever met. | ||
| And he goes, well, he was at Gotham the other night, and he sat with a guy for 30 minutes, and then at the end said, see you later, Bert. | ||
| And the guy goes, I'm not Bert. | ||
| And he goes, Alright, take care. | ||
| He thought he was talking to me for 30 minutes. | ||
| Like having a conversation with some guy. | ||
| Oh, that's hilarious. | ||
| It was good meeting you, Bert. | ||
| And the guy goes, my name's not Bert. | ||
| And he's like, alright, see you later. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| So you guys just sat down and talked politics, maybe? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| You and your ghost man? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| The ghost Bert? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| This is what I was talking about. | ||
| This guy from Syracuse. | ||
| That's who it is. | ||
| Syracuse University fired Bernie Fine, assistant men's basketball coach for sexually abusing boys. | ||
| That shit happens all the time, though. | ||
| My gym teacher molested half of our elementary school. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| We talked about this on the podcast. | ||
| His name was Fill Me Up Phillips. | ||
| And he would just walk behind guys and smack them in the butt. | ||
| And he had this huge bucket of prizes that were stupid small toys. | ||
| And it was like a joke between us and elementary school. | ||
| Like, oh yeah, he molested our friend Sean. | ||
| He molested our friend... | ||
| Blah, blah. | ||
| Is it true? | ||
| He really did molest them? | ||
| Or were you just making shit up? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I mean, that's what we all believe, but we were only elementary kids. | ||
| But then later... | ||
| Okay, but did these kids tell you that he molested them? | ||
| I don't know how. | ||
| It was one of those things where it got throughout the whole entire school. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| So it could have just been a rumor? | ||
| Even as a kid, we all were like, dude, he totally is so molesty. | ||
| Wow, that's crazy. | ||
| And then a few years later, he got thrown out of school or whatever. | ||
| Did he get arrested? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| But he got suspended for doing that. | ||
| But you dodged it? | ||
| Oh, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He never got you? | ||
| No, that wasn't his kind. | ||
| I was too fat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
LAUGHTER It's a defense mechanism, Joe. | |
| No, it wasn't this guy that was too fat. | ||
| Make yourself unpretty. | ||
| You don't feel pretty on the inside, so make yourself unpretty on the outside. | ||
| That's how I get out of most of my relationships. | ||
| And if it goes after five or six years, I just start eating like crazy. | ||
| He's not lying. | ||
| I'm a blowfish. | ||
| He's not lying. | ||
| There's one point in time he was at the end of this relationship, and he had to weigh almost 300 pounds. | ||
| Yeah, he was almost 260. He was enormous. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| 260 pounds. | ||
| I even told you that I've done that before, where I'm like, I'm just going to eat a lot and get rid of them. | ||
| Just to get rid of them? | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the most self-destructive way to get out of a relationship I've ever heard. | |
| It's hard, man. | ||
| How hard is it to break up with somebody? | ||
| Fucking impossible. | ||
| That's a big test, though. | ||
| If they can last for me being fat, then all right, they deserve it. | ||
| They deserve what? | ||
| Your dick? | ||
| They deserve, well, no. | ||
| Enjoy me being fat? | ||
| It's through thick or thin, bitch. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| So you do it on purpose is what you're saying. | ||
| Here's the thing that there are guys in unhealthy relationships right now doing destructive shit to try to push the girl away. | ||
| Oh, hell yeah. | ||
| And here's the thing that I learned one day in a yoga class. | ||
| I was in a miserable relationship right before I met my wife. | ||
| I go to a yoga class and the guy just does that fucking gets in your head. | ||
| You do the whole class at the very end. | ||
| He goes, so right now when we lay down on the mats, I want you to think, what's the one thing that makes you unhappy? | ||
| I remember thinking, this fucking chick. | ||
| And he's like, you have the power to change that today. | ||
| Take action. | ||
| And I went, I can fucking dump her. | ||
| I can make myself happy right fucking now. | ||
| So if you're listening and you are thinking to yourself, I'm not happy with my chick, fucking change that shit. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Change it. | |
| You know what a good move to do is also? | ||
| Is to sit down and give yourself advice. | ||
| Nobody ever does that. | ||
| Self-evaluation, non-stop. | ||
| Sit down and actually give yourself advice. | ||
| Say, if I was in this situation, what would I say to myself? | ||
| Because nobody ever does that. | ||
| They say, what am I going to do? | ||
| How am I going to fucking... | ||
| You would say, if I was saying this to somebody else, let me take myself out of it. | ||
| It's very difficult to do, obviously, and you can't be 100% objective. | ||
| You're sure going to know you have a situation. | ||
| But sit back and say, how would I advise myself to handle this situation? | ||
| And then fucking follow that, man. | ||
| Because that's the person that's thinking clearly. | ||
| Not you now, who's looking for a shovel and some lime. | ||
| Yeah, exactly. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| You're totally fucking right. | ||
| It's the guy going... | ||
| That's funny. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| I never fucking listen to myself. | ||
| Give yourself advice. | ||
| It's very important. | ||
| You forgot rope, Joe. | ||
| You've got to go into the isolation tank. | ||
| I want to go into the isolation tank really bad. | ||
| I want to get in the TM, too. | ||
| We should get one here. | ||
| Try this out on meditation in the isolation tank. | ||
| Fucking that's what I want. | ||
| I want. | ||
| Joe, we should get one here. | ||
| We could do one here. | ||
| The only thing is we have to maintain it. | ||
| You have to make sure... | ||
|
unidentified
|
What space would we put it in, Brian? | |
| The isolation tank storefront right there where you can rent it out like a storefront. | ||
| Whoa, you know, we could do that. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wouldn't that be amazing? | |
| We could start a float lab. | ||
| Oh, do it, do it, do it. | ||
| Because float lab is in Venice. | ||
| If I talk to Crash, we'll see. | ||
| We'll talk to the float lab. | ||
| I want to do your isolation tank really bad. | ||
| That would be dope, huh? | ||
| That would be dope. | ||
| Dope-alicious. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I got an idea. | ||
| I got an idea. | ||
| I think I might have to open up a business. | ||
| Fucking goddammit, we're going to open up a tank business, Brian Reichel! | ||
| Right next door. | ||
| Genius, son, genius! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Cheers. | |
| I can't hear out of my left ear. | ||
| It's because it's not a good headphone. | ||
| We should get new, awesome, amazing headphones. | ||
| Oh, I did. | ||
| Skullcandy. | ||
| They sent me them. | ||
| I keep forgetting to bring them here. | ||
| They're at my house, though, diligently waiting to pick them up. | ||
| Did you bring 5HTP with you? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No, I don't have any with me. | ||
| I have this big thing at AlphaBrain. | ||
| I'm slow rolling my alpha brain. | ||
| I got my personal stacks of 5-HTP. And by the way, if you take New Mood, this is the 5-HTP thing, and you're taking antidepressants already, it could be a problem. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Apparently, that's what doctors say. | ||
| Because apparently, what Neil Brennan was doing when he came on the podcast and he started talking about antidepressants and 5-HTP and how it helped him, his doctor told him essentially that what's happening is when you take 5-HTP and you're already on antidepressants, it's like getting two antidepressants. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| You actually get too much serotonin. | ||
| Which is really crazy because what that means is that 5-HTP essentially produces much of the same stuff that these antidepressants produce. | ||
| It's almost like it's natural antidepressants. | ||
| What about New Mood and Stella? | ||
| I think that works. | ||
| New Mood and Stella? | ||
| Oh, is that the beer? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Stella is a good beer if you want to let a chick know that you're European-inclined. | ||
| Let a bitch know I've been to London three or four times. | ||
| It's cool. | ||
| You just got to go to the right restaurant. | ||
| I got friends in London. | ||
| I got nice leather shoes. | ||
| I got friends in London. | ||
| Yeah, I got shoes made out of kangaroo. | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You gotta drink that. | ||
| I'll have a Stella, please. | ||
| You don't like Stella? | ||
| In a glass. | ||
| I think Stella's nice. | ||
| I do, I like it, but... | ||
| It's like a light beer, but... | ||
| Light beer without skunk. | ||
| Light beer without skunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know what, man? | ||
| Give me one of them bitches. | ||
| I'll try it. | ||
| Let's roll. | ||
| Let's roll with a Stella. | ||
| I might as well try one, too. | ||
| Yeah, Bert. | ||
| Fuck this one beer. | ||
| What are we, pussies? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are we not men? | |
| Two beers is nothing. | ||
| You're a man of our stature. | ||
| Two beers. | ||
| How much do you weigh? | ||
| Uh, $225. | ||
| Yeah, I'm like $190. | ||
| We can process this. | ||
| Are you really $190? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Nice, Brian. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Brian, you're a fucking gentleman. | ||
| Now I've got to go back and have a conversation with my wife and my daughters. | ||
| It's not going to be half as entertaining. | ||
| Oh, it's going to be fine. | ||
| My daughters last night said to me... | ||
| That's where pot comes in and makes it even more interesting. | ||
| Again, I'm trying to help you. | ||
| Trying to help you, Bert. | ||
| We're going to turn you into a pothead. | ||
| It's going to help you. | ||
| Let's do it. | ||
| Cheers, my friend. | ||
| Cheers. | ||
| To a great new studio. | ||
| How do you say that? | ||
| To a great new studio. | ||
| How do you say the last name? | ||
| Atois. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| Like Artie Fuqua. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Atois. | |
| It's okay. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| It's got like sediment at the bottom. | ||
| It's not bad. | ||
| It's pretty good. | ||
| What's your favorite beer? | ||
| I prefer Sam Adams. | ||
| Heineken. | ||
| I'm a Heineken guy. | ||
| If I get sponsored by Heineken, I can do it in a heartbeat. | ||
| I remember one time some Budweiser guys asked me. | ||
| They were like, how much would it cost to get that Budweiser out of your hand and put a Heineken on stage? | ||
| Or get that Heineken out of your hand and put a Budweiser on stage. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And I was like, can't do it. | ||
| So you would only drink Budweiser on stage? | ||
| Just drink Budweiser on stage. | ||
| I did a deal with Jameson. | ||
| That'd be a good deal. | ||
| I did a deal with Jameson for two years. | ||
| I say too much crazy shit, though. | ||
| I don't think Budweiser would want to have anything. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no, no, no. | |
| They don't give a shit. | ||
| No, they love that shit. | ||
| Don't give a fuck. | ||
| Have you seen the commercials? | ||
| Look at their Super Bowl commercials. | ||
| It's pretty much what you think of when you're taking a shit, maybe. | ||
| What? | ||
| What Super Bowl commercials are you talking about? | ||
| Bud Light or Budweiser commercials are all fucking trippy. | ||
| Bud Light is the first to sponsor the UFC, so I have nothing but love for Bud Light. | ||
| Is that Brock Lesnar who was like, they got nothing on me. | ||
| He kind of made a joke. | ||
| He was trying to be his character. | ||
| He's the heel from pro wrestling, big fucking wrestler guy. | ||
| He's selling himself. | ||
| He's doing a smart thing. | ||
| He just fucked up. | ||
| He shouldn't have said that, but he just fucked up. | ||
| But Bud Light was the first big sponsor to step in and support the UFC, so I'll always be a Bud Light fan just for that. | ||
| Sounds ridiculous, but that's a big move, man, for a company to take a big chance like that and step in. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude, UFC was the HIV of sports for a while. | |
| I remember hearing that shit and being like... | ||
| God. | ||
| Did you guys go through that Honey Brown stage where everyone was drinking Honey Brown and Killian's? | ||
| Brian, you always do this. | ||
| You always change the subject when we start talking about MMA. Well, we were talking about beer, too. | ||
| We were, but people online are going to get angry with you every time you do that. | ||
| So when I worked for Jameson, I worked for Jameson for two years, did the Jameson tour. | ||
| Me, Billy Gardell, Steve Byrne, Michael Loftus, Nick Griffin, and Danny Bevins. | ||
| And they sent cases of Jameson to your house every fucking month. | ||
| They sent cases of Jameson, the expensive shit, too. | ||
| How do they expect you to drink it all? | ||
| And no, when you got to a show, Jameson waiting in the green room. | ||
| And the rule was you had to drink Jameson on stage. | ||
| You had to mention how good your Jameson was. | ||
| On the show? | ||
| On the show. | ||
| Like, take a sip. | ||
| Like, damn, that's good fucking Jameson. | ||
| And you had to be pro-Jameson. | ||
| I got no problem with that, because Jameson is pretty goddamn good. | ||
| It's fucking awesome! | ||
| That's some good shit. | ||
| And then we get done the tour. | ||
| You ready for this? | ||
| They buy us each acre of land in Ireland on a river. | ||
| All of us, right next to each other, we each get a fucking acre of land, a deed, and a picture. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Yeah, fucking Jameson was one player. | ||
| Are you going to build a house in Ireland? | ||
| No, you can't build on it. | ||
| You can't build on it. | ||
| Yeah, it's fucking pointless. | ||
| But... | ||
| Can you camp on it? | ||
| You can camp on it. | ||
| You can? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How big can you tech be? | ||
| Can it be permanent? | ||
| Can you have a permanent tent? | ||
| Yeah, but me and a bunch of pikeys. | ||
| Oh, pikeys? | ||
| Dude, I've been obsessing about watching these Irish travelers fights. | ||
| Pikey fights on fucking YouTube! | ||
| I fucking love pikey fights on YouTube! | ||
| Oh my god, they have some of the best fights, dude. | ||
| Brian, you gotta look this up. | ||
| They're boring as shit. | ||
| I mean, most of these guys. | ||
| Look, they're tough guys and everything, but there's a different style of fighting when you fight bare knuckle. | ||
| And literally they stand there and punch themselves in the face. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's not like a street fight like you see in the States. | ||
| But the best is they challenge each other. | ||
|
unidentified
|
When they challenge each other, I'll tell you this, Johnny, Johnny Mike, you're good for nothing. | |
| That's what you are. | ||
| You're good for nothing. | ||
| And you've got no balls inside you for all. | ||
| I'll tell you right now, I'll fight you. | ||
| I'll fight you anytime before Christmas. | ||
| Any time before Christmas, you tell me. | ||
| There's a video of a pikey driving to a street. | ||
| They said, well, meet, what'll meet? | ||
| A quarter of a click. | ||
| Two flies in a present. | ||
| Whoever knows that one, tweet me. | ||
| Because I tweeted it a while ago. | ||
| It's really hilarious. | ||
| But I can't find it in my Twitter while the show is going on. | ||
| But I want to play it because it's so ridiculous. | ||
| Do you want to see something really disturbing, pikey? | ||
| Irish travelers, they were talking shit before a street fight. | ||
| It's even better than the actual fight itself. | ||
| The most disturbing Pikey video on there is... | ||
|
unidentified
|
The most disturbing one? | |
| Most disturbing one. | ||
| Someone's listening that knows exactly what I'm talking about. | ||
| Please tweet it to Joe and me and Brian. | ||
| It is, Pikey gets what he deserves. | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And it's a bunch of British school kids in a park having beers, snorting coke, smoking weed, and a Pikey comes up and he wants... | ||
| But it's all done post. | ||
| It's a recount of the British kid going, so a little pikey comes up and he wants a little drink. | ||
| He wants a thing, this and that. | ||
| Well, we tell him it's cocaine, but guess who just got a nose full of special K? | ||
| And they cut and the pikey is fucking seizuring on the ground. | ||
| It's fucking scum. | ||
| Sketchy. | ||
| It breaks your heart because you go, that guy's helpless. | ||
| He's in a K-hole right now. | ||
| He's not coming out anytime soon. | ||
| And it's all, it's, if you type in, Brian, if you type in, Pikey gets what he deserves, Park, or something like that, you'll see it. | ||
| And it fucking, you just go, oh, that shit happens. | ||
| That fucking happens. | ||
| It does happen. | ||
| But man, it was Pikey fights where I fucking was obsessed with those for a while. | ||
| Here's one of them, Brian. | ||
| Can you find this? | ||
| I'll tell you the name. | ||
| Tell me when you're ready. | ||
|
unidentified
|
All right. | |
| Big Joe's Davey Joyce reply to Simon O. Oh, shut the fuck up. | ||
| Wait, is this a vlog? | ||
| No, it's they talk shit. | ||
| Say it one more time. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Big Joe's. | ||
| Just type in Big Joe's Davey Joyce reply. | ||
| Just type in that. | ||
| Big Joe's J-O-E-S David D-A-V-Y Joyce J-O-Y-C-E Reply Look at this Hello Sammy I seen you in a play there Norvice Squeak as I call you I seen you in a play there On the internet The machine is straight out of this internet shit The computer Hold on, stop, stop, stop. | ||
| Brian, you got two things playing at the same time. | ||
| There's two things playing. | ||
| It's him, and then there's something going on in the background. | ||
| Did you hear it? | ||
| It was the thing that Bert told me. | ||
| Oh, they were both playing at the same time. | ||
| I'm sorry, I was baffled. | ||
| I couldn't hear how horrible this guy was. | ||
| I want to hear this guy's vlog. | ||
| Yeah, this is what's going on here. | ||
| There's a guy who was talking shit about him online saying, I'll fight you. | ||
| I'll fight you anytime between now and Christmas. | ||
| And this guy came back to reply to him. | ||
| Anytime between now and Christmas. | ||
| Here he goes, President. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They always take their shirts off. | |
| Even when they have terrible chests. | ||
| You want me to slow it down a little? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's beautiful. | |
| What? | ||
| This is insane. | ||
| You need the rat poison. | ||
| You're squeaky innocent. | ||
| He's just getting worked up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You look like a Down syndrome. | |
| I'll hear the shirt off. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Show her body like that. | |
| That guy's getting aroused right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I am willing to fight now, Simon. | |
| Everyone in Dublin and fucking Pasadena! | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is my first time to see you aren't here! | |
| Just me over to tell me a minute ago, this way you, he did give you brain damage! | ||
| Cause the swellness never left your head! | ||
| You have a head that size and it's all swell and innocent! | ||
| You're dirty good for nothing bastard ya! | ||
| You're dirty good for nothing bastard ya! | ||
| I fucking love it! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You say me, as far as I'm concerned, you are the best of darlings! | |
| But the dirty shites I've seen this have to stay at them, you dirty junkies bastards! | ||
| Come out now, you say me and fight! | ||
| I fucking love it! | ||
| He comes back again! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Your worst nightmare. | |
| I'm your worst nightmare. | ||
| As far as I'm concerned, Anthony, We call you shite in the bucket. | ||
| Shite in the bucket. | ||
| You were shite in the bucket for a whole two weeks. | ||
| You wouldn't leave the trailer. | ||
| You were shite in the bucket for two weeks. | ||
| But Simon, I'm christening you now officially shite in the bucket as well. | ||
| I'm finishing you. | ||
| I'm closing you for you. | ||
| I'm closing your two eyes. | ||
| And you're going to be shite in the bucket for two weeks as well. | ||
| So that's what you wear as well, is shite in the buckle. | ||
| What do we call ye? | ||
| Shite in the buckle. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Stop this real quick. | ||
| Can we please do this? | ||
| Okay, listen. | ||
| Please, anyone, everyone right now, do their response video to this guy. | ||
| Go, I don't know Shimey, but I know you, and I'll fucking kick your ass. | ||
| Who the fuck do you think you are? | ||
| Like, do your American? | ||
| Take your shirt off? | ||
| Let's see how good they can get. | ||
| Oh, fuck, I want to do one tonight. | ||
| I know. | ||
| I want to do one. | ||
| The second we get done, Brian, get a camera. | ||
| I'm doing a reply to that guy. | ||
| What's his name, Big John? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Big John. | |
| And I'm going to be dead fucking serious, so Big John sees it. | ||
| And you know he doesn't get irony. | ||
| He's going to be sitting in this trailer going, who the fuck, on the slow modem that he's got. | ||
| Come on and fight me on! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Use these! | |
| Everyone can use these, John! | ||
| Everyone can use these! | ||
| Shirt's coming off. | ||
| The shirt coming off is a strange move. | ||
| I guess it's an I don't give a fuck move. | ||
| It's like that white rapper that I was talking about earlier. | ||
| Who is he? | ||
| He takes his shirt off and is like, I don't give a fuck. | ||
| The guy with Birdman. | ||
| I don't know, but he didn't give a fuck. | ||
| His whole thing was that he didn't give a fuck. | ||
| Well, this guy basically is doing the same thing. | ||
| He doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| Takes his shirt off. | ||
| He knows he's fat. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| He knows he's not oppressive. | ||
| When the shirt comes off, that's when the fucking party starts. | ||
| That's not Phil Barone under there. | ||
| You know, that's not a young Randy Couture. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| What are you looking at now, Brian? | ||
| Are you looking at Irish funerals? | ||
| Bagpipes and buttholes. | ||
| It's like buttholes put to bagpipes. | ||
| That's a grown man, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| What's that guy's name? | ||
| Big John? | ||
| No questions, only answers. | ||
| Big John McCarthy? | ||
| No, that guy's name was Brian. | ||
| What was that guy's name? | ||
| Brian knows it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Big Joe Davey Joyce replied to Simon O'Donnell. | |
| Big Joe Davey Joyce. | ||
| Alright, to Stymie? | ||
| To Simon O'Donnell. | ||
| Simon! | ||
| He was saying Simon this whole time. | ||
| That's what he was saying? | ||
| All right, we're going to need some cue cards because I'm never going to remember that guy's fucking name. | ||
| I'll send it to you. | ||
| I'm trying to see if I can send it to you right here from my phone. | ||
| There's got to be a way to. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| God, that's what's great about the internet. | ||
| I would ask you what your email is, but then the whole world would know it. | ||
| I'm thinking about changing it. | ||
| And you're going to get a bunch of black dicks in the mail. | ||
| I just had to fucking pay for more Gmail space. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, and that's just disgusting to me. | ||
| I feel disgusted. | ||
| Wait, from penis pictures you're sending out? | ||
| No, I think it's from just sending a lot of movie files, like video files and stuff like that. | ||
| And I wish I could just be like, hey, let me download it all in one file and then erase everything. | ||
| Because it's only five bucks a year. | ||
| But still, if you stop paying it, then it takes away that space, that extra 20 gigs that you pay for every year. | ||
| So it's kind of a trick. | ||
| And then if that keeps on going, that's going to be like a gas price thing. | ||
| And in 70 years, we're going to be paying like $5,000 a month for our Gmail space. | ||
| I think you're getting out of hand here. | ||
| I think you might have overstretched that one. | ||
| Google has everything for free. | ||
| Brian's like, eventually they'll control the monetary system of the world. | ||
| It is. | ||
| They'll pay them. | ||
| They will be our overlords. | ||
| Do you really truly believe that, Brian? | ||
| Are you scared of Gmail? | ||
| I think it is a trick that they make you pay for 20 gigs extra a year. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Brian, it's a free service. | |
| Yeah, but if you stop paying for it, then they just, what, delete the last year of your Gmail? | ||
| It's kind of like a trick. | ||
| Yeah, that's like, why should they give you so much storage? | ||
| That seems like the type of storage that a professional would use. | ||
| You know why they should? | ||
| Why? | ||
| Because I could just make a second Gmail for free, and a third Gmail, and a fourth Gmail, and a fifth Gmail for free. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Don't tell them. | |
| You're telling them right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ryan, stop it. | |
| What is that, against the law? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Stop it. | |
| Brian, you're giving away the secrets, man. | ||
| You know what I'm saying now. | ||
| What do you think about the latest in Google phones? | ||
| Because I've been having these Google phone versus iPhone conversations again lately. | ||
| Will you stop with this? | ||
| There's a resound that's supposed to be pretty dope. | ||
| You go buy your fucking phone and you'll know in like a month you'll be back to the iPhone. | ||
| I know 100% you would. | ||
| 100%? | ||
| What if I like looking at big pictures? | ||
| I want them big. | ||
| I want pictures big. | ||
| Carry your iPad around on a sling like you used to. | ||
| I got my iPad in my backpack. | ||
| Oh, fuck, Joe. | ||
| That's the next moneymaker right there. | ||
| I want you to come out with fanny packs. | ||
| Manly fanny packs. | ||
| Yes, I got one right here. | ||
| We have a higher primate fanny pack. | ||
| Are you sure? | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| Yeah, Brian's got the most ridiculous one of all time. | ||
| Brian's fanny pack is more like a survival camp gear. | ||
| It's good for cameras. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| It's tough. | ||
| You carry too much shit. | ||
| Yeah, that's like a guy on the field that needs a belt bag. | ||
| It's too ridiculous for a fanny pack. | ||
| It's a guy at work. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| It's pretty tough. | ||
| I like it a lot. | ||
| Do you feel sexy with it on though? | ||
| Yeah, I don't feel bad because I think it looks so ridiculous. | ||
| When you're around your girl. | ||
| I think it just looks like G.I. Joe style. | ||
| When you look at Fanny Pack, you're like, alright, that's just lame. | ||
| This to me is more like, oh, he's got a good camera and some stuff in there. | ||
| You know what it looks like to me? | ||
| It looks like the Big Bad Wolf. | ||
| I'm going to put it on right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The Big Bad Wolf. | |
| I started watching that show, Grim, on Sundays. | ||
| Wait, are you ever going to talk about your show coming out? | ||
| What, Fairfax? | ||
| Yeah, I'll talk about it. | ||
| Are you excited? | ||
| Yeah, it's going to be fun. | ||
| It's a funny show. | ||
| Everyone I talk to is so fucking excited for it. | ||
| I don't know if there's one episode where I'm not sure if they're going to be able to air it. | ||
| They haven't decided yet. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah, because it's so crazy. | ||
| It's so ridiculous. | ||
| When I heard that we were doing it, let me tell you something. | ||
| The way they're filming it, the stunts, everything is way more over the top than before. | ||
| The stunts are way bigger. | ||
| And it's very strange. | ||
| Look at Brian. | ||
| Brian's got a sexy fanny pack. | ||
| That's your fanny pack, Brian? | ||
| Yeah, look at that. | ||
| That's like a Survivor gear sort of a thing. | ||
| That is a fucking... | ||
| That's a shooter in the field fanny pack. | ||
| Yeah, you could do some serious fucking airport traveling with that, though. | ||
| Look at that, Brian. | ||
| You know, that's a good move for the airport, dude. | ||
| So you could film us going through the airport. | ||
| You're not allowed to film that, though, right? | ||
| Yeah, you could film. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| We're going to film in the airport. | ||
| The TSA, do they allow you to film? | ||
| He was saying they use another camera. | ||
| The other camera is the 7D, and it's a little more... | ||
| It looks like a film. | ||
| You just walk around with it on your neck, and it looks like you're carrying a fucking camera. | ||
| That's one of the most shocking things about traveling in Europe, is you realize how much more lax they are on security. | ||
| They're much more relaxed. | ||
| It's much easier to travel there. | ||
| Oh, I flew in... | ||
| Very, you know, nice and friendly and easygoing. | ||
| It's not nearly as investigative as when you land in America. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I fucking... | ||
| When I flew from London to L.A., coming out of London was a cakewalk. | ||
| But, man, coming into... | ||
| Here's the worst part is... | ||
| What was the problem? | ||
| They asked me a lot of questions? | ||
| Well, the biggest problem really was I don't... | ||
| I... Wore so many different outfits in Amsterdam, evening-wise. | ||
| And I had so many fucking chaotic nights that I didn't know what was in what pocket. | ||
| And I literally packed, and I was like, I'm pretty sure I'm clean, but who knows? | ||
| Who fucking knows? | ||
| And did they know you were coming from Amsterdam? | ||
| No, I took a train. | ||
| I took a train because I don't like flying. | ||
| I took a train from London to Amsterdam, and then took a train back from Amsterdam to London. | ||
| And that doesn't show on your... | ||
| No, they asked where I was and I told them Amsterdam and they said why. | ||
| I said vacationing. | ||
| And here's the kicker. | ||
| I had like a $30 Cuban cigar and I was like, fuck it, I'll just roll with it. | ||
| I'll take it home and smoke it at home. | ||
| It's a Cuban cigar, but take the wrapper off. | ||
| They'll never fucking know. | ||
| And I told my dad and my dad goes, don't fucking do it. | ||
| It's a $250,000 fine if they catch you with it. | ||
| Well, they can't prove it. | ||
| They cannot prove it. | ||
| If you just stick to your guns, you can say it's Dominican. | ||
| I'm going to fold like a cheap sheet. | ||
| I'll be like the opposite of Kaiser Soze. | ||
| Kaiser Soze, take me away! | ||
| I didn't mean to! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh man, I don't even limp! | |
| But it's a good cigar, man. | ||
| Why would you want to give it up to the man? | ||
| I don't have to give it up. | ||
| I don't fucking ruin... | ||
| Even if 10 grand, if they said, alright, we'll let you away with 10 grand, it fucking puts a dent in my family. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It is kind of crazy how all the rest of the world is allowed to buy cigars from Cuba. | ||
| But not us. | ||
| And man, it tasted so good. | ||
| You assholes, we're still mad at you. | ||
| No, they're letting us buy land in Cuba. | ||
| Would you buy land in Cuba? | ||
| Uh, why? | ||
| Why would I do that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I didn't think this through! | ||
| Overwhelming need to go to Cuba and plant things. | ||
| If you were in a murder, it would be... | ||
| I wouldn't buy land anywhere that I wouldn't want to live. | ||
| Would you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Could you imagine living in Cuba? | ||
| I didn't think it through. | ||
| What are you, Hemingway? | ||
| I didn't think it through, okay? | ||
| Hemingway in the 50s? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Ready to make your own hotel out there and have the mob come down and run everything again? | ||
| The good old days. | ||
| A lot of people in Cuba, I bet, longed for the good old days when their mob was running shit. | ||
| That must have been nuts, man. | ||
| Mob run Cuba in the 1950s. | ||
| When you think about what those motherfuckers were into back then, Like Kennedy. | ||
| How Kennedy almost flaunted his friendships with all these high-level celebrity entertainment figures and all these hot chicks around him all the time. | ||
| Talk about rule-less, like lawless. | ||
| Go to Cuba, right? | ||
| In the, what, 50s, 60s? | ||
| Oh, my God. | ||
| Okay, let's try to think. | ||
| At what point would they prosecute you? | ||
| Like, you could kill someone totally in Cuba back then. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| And what do you just say? | ||
| I don't know Cuba's history enough to know who... | ||
| It was the most corrupt. | ||
| It was the most corrupt before... | ||
| Before Castro. | ||
| Even when Castro came in, technically. | ||
| Eddie Bravo's a huge Castro fan, and so is Joey Diaz. | ||
| You sit down with Joey Diaz, he'll break it down for you forever about Castro, the good and the bad. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| You know, Joey was born in Cuba. | ||
| He was born in Cuba? | ||
| Yeah, he was born in Cuba. | ||
| And came to Miami? | ||
| Yeah, he came to America when he was really young. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Joey Diaz is a real deal. | ||
| That's why he doesn't really know how old he is. | ||
| He really doesn't know how old he is. | ||
| Yeah, Joey Diaz and Bert Kreischer have a lot in common. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You both do. | ||
| To be a really, really funny person, there's like a certain level of unconventionality, a certain frequency of I don't give a fuck that has to be reached. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Not everybody can reach that. | ||
| So when a guy comes along like you and reaches it like that, you're like, whoa. | ||
| He just took a fucking pill from Johnny Knoxville. | ||
| He just did 12 shots. | ||
| He's the number one party animal for rolling. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There needs to be an event that throws the convention out. | ||
| After that Rolling Stone article, there was nothing I could do. | ||
| I wasn't going to get a straight job. | ||
| Who the fuck is going to hire a guy that took his shit on a pizza box to win an election? | ||
| Guys like that, you're important, man. | ||
| It's important for people to push the issue. | ||
| I never had a happier day in my life. | ||
| Brian and I were driving to your house or from your house one day, and Joey called Brian, and Brian and they started talking on the speakerphone. | ||
| Oh, that was uncomfortable because you brought it up. | ||
| I was in the car, and I just felt like I'm eavesdropping, so I just said, I go, hey... | ||
| In the middle of... | ||
| We're talking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I go, hey, Joey. | |
| In the middle of... | ||
| He goes, hey, wait, Joey Diaz. | ||
| I just want you to know I'm in the car. | ||
| I'm in the car. | ||
| I just want you to know I don't like... | ||
| God forbid they go and, you know... | ||
| Right. | ||
| Who was on the podcast today? | ||
| The guy wants to suck my dick. | ||
| I see him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I see his eyes. | |
| But it was... | ||
| I don't want to make him suck my dick. | ||
| But I've listened to him so much on the podcast, I go, I'm just saying, Joey, I'm in the car, I just want you to know that. | ||
| And Joey Diaz just real smooth goes, the machine! | ||
| And I was like, the machine! | ||
| Fucking great. | ||
| You know, you and him have a lot in common. | ||
| Speaker phone's weird, though, like that, right, though? | ||
| Do you get calls a lot, Joe, when you're like, you have to announce it to the caller? | ||
| I always do, yeah. | ||
| I don't want everybody to say something fucked up. | ||
| Fuck. | ||
| I always tell my wife not to say the N-word. | ||
| Yeah, it's important. | ||
| Unfortunately, you already said that on a previous video blog. | ||
| Oh, did I? Yeah. | ||
| Fuck, let's get that fight video up for Big Joe Davey. | ||
| Alright. | ||
| No, let's shoot mine. | ||
| Oh, your video? | ||
| I'm ready to fucking challenge him. | ||
| What would be your stance? | ||
| That he's a dirty, no good bastard? | ||
| No, I'm gonna go to... | ||
| Oh, is this them fighting? | ||
| This is the video you told me to search for earlier, Bert. | ||
| No, this isn't it. | ||
| This isn't it. | ||
| That seems like a cool fight video. | ||
| Yeah, it does. | ||
| If you just type in Pikey, you'll find so much great shit. | ||
| I watched Snatch the other day. | ||
| Snatch still holds up. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Snatch? | |
| Is it gay if you put a picture of shirtless Brad Pitt in Fight Club in your man cave so it inspires you to work out harder? | ||
| Absolutely not. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| That movie is awesome. | ||
| Not that I'm doing that, but I have a friend. | ||
| Who's thinking about doing it? | ||
| I think it's awesome. | ||
| Do you love him as the ideal build? | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| I'd love to look like that. | ||
| Why can't you do it? | ||
| I'm trying. | ||
| I'm trying hard. | ||
| Just work out like a maniac. | ||
| I'm working out fucking like crazy. | ||
| I'm not eating vegetables. | ||
| Very lean, grass-fed meat. | ||
| Thanksgiving kind of threw a wrench in my plan. | ||
| Work out like a fucking savage. | ||
| Lift a lot of weights. | ||
| Trick your body into thinking that it has to do this all the time. | ||
| I did bench press in a fucking hotel the other day in New York. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Fucking pounded it out. | ||
| I'm high school strong. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Damn. | |
| Yeah. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Like 135? | ||
| I'll do that shit 10 times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa! | |
| 10 times? | ||
| 10 times. | ||
| Now what are you going to do? | ||
| You're going to commit to a serious weightlifting program? | ||
| Weightlifting and running. | ||
| I'm running hard as shit for an hour. | ||
| And I'm lifting weights. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Push-ups. | ||
| Plank. | ||
| I just want my body to be... | ||
| I've got to get my blood pressure lower. | ||
| And I just want to be healthy. | ||
| I don't want to be a fat old man. | ||
| I want to live... | ||
| I want to look... | ||
| I don't want to look skinny. | ||
| I don't want to look perfect. | ||
| But I want to look like... | ||
| I want to take my shirt off at the beach and go... | ||
| I bet he has an active lifestyle. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Right. | ||
| Instead of saying... | ||
| Like, I saw the way your belt... | ||
| Like, when you showed your tattoo, your belt doesn't... | ||
| It holds your pants up. | ||
| It doesn't define your waistline. | ||
| Like, does that make sense? | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| Like, my belt cuts into my fat. | ||
| Yeah, me too. | ||
| On my pubis and my stomach. | ||
| Sometimes it bleeds and you have to put a little Neosporin on it. | ||
| It cuts into you. | ||
| It's corn syrup! | ||
| It's the government! | ||
| It's corn syrup! | ||
| The government! | ||
| Corn syrup! | ||
| It's cholesterol! | ||
| Trans fats! | ||
| That's what it is, man. | ||
| It's the government keeping it fat and stupid. | ||
| And no time in history have people been fatter. | ||
| I don't think there's ever been a time in history where the larger numbers of people have been fat. | ||
| Like in this country, the numbers are gigantic. | ||
| That's why fat menus get respect in the 20s. | ||
| When you were Buster Keaton and you were fat, they're like, how did you do that? | ||
| That's why you were a movie star. | ||
| Like, hey! | ||
| Babe Ruth, I'm here, everybody! | ||
| Everyone's like, he must have a lot of money. | ||
| Yep, Babe Ruth was eating steaks and hot dogs and drinking beer. | ||
| Fuck, yeah. | ||
| He's living high on the hog. | ||
| And then now you're just fat. | ||
| It looks like you're poor and don't care. | ||
| It looks like you're just unhealthy and then you just have a poor diet. | ||
| Yeah, it has no connection with your personality anymore. | ||
| It's such a direct connection between what you put into your body and how your body feels, man. | ||
| And some people just... | ||
| I have friends... | ||
| I got a buddy who's on antidepressants and he eats terrible. | ||
| His fucking diet's awful. | ||
| I think it's lack of women. | ||
| I think, like, in the old days, you used to have a wife and they used to cook for you, like, these nice meals and stuff. | ||
| To me, half the time, I'm like, okay, Jack in the Box is open. | ||
| Subway is still open. | ||
| You know, it's more of like I'm more rushing around. | ||
| If I were to come home like, oh, family dinner style, you have the kitchen table, and she's like, oh, I made a casserole. | ||
| And you're like, wow, that's nice. | ||
| You've been watching too many Patty Duke movies. | ||
| No, that's how I grew up. | ||
| That's how you grew up. | ||
| That's how I grew up. | ||
| I had family dinner every day. | ||
| We all sat at the table. | ||
| Well, people still have family dinners, bro, and they're super unhealthy. | ||
| I mean, a family dinner doesn't necessarily make it healthy. | ||
| What the real problem is, is most people have terrible diets. | ||
| It's the woman in the house is what I'm saying. | ||
| The living in the house certainly helps, man. | ||
| That definitely helps. | ||
| If you live with someone, if you have kids even, you know, you all like have good food in the house. | ||
| You know, you want to make sure everything's supplied. | ||
| When I lived alone, like I ate out every fucking night of the week. | ||
| Oh, if I lived alone, I'd be in great shape. | ||
| Yeah, when I lived alone, I was just a comedian on a TV show. | ||
| Egg whites in the morning, Subway in the afternoon. | ||
| Restaurants everywhere. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Restaurants everywhere for breakfast, lunch, dinner. | ||
| I would keep some food at home just to eat when I was starving or if I was writing or something like that. | ||
| For the most part, I just went somewhere to eat. | ||
| Why would I cook? | ||
| I don't have time for that shit. | ||
| What's the one thing you miss about being single the most? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pussy! | |
| New Pussy? | ||
| I don't miss New Pussy at all. | ||
| No. | ||
| Not in the fucking slightest. | ||
| Because there was always a... | ||
| I had to do a song and dance to explain why that didn't go the way they thought it would. | ||
| Like, I would never... | ||
| Oh, that's so sad. | ||
| I never... | ||
| That first New Pussy experience you had where you would go in and you'd get on top and you were like, alright, this is gonna happen really fast. | ||
| You knew that in your head. | ||
| You're like, the whole thing I'm trying to do is make this not... | ||
| Prolong this moment so that she thinks it's somewhat enjoyable. | ||
| The only good parts about being single are that you can have sex with more than one person. | ||
| The only bad parts of being single are that you're lonely and you're single and it's way better to have a relationship. | ||
| It's way better. | ||
| But the problem is we're fucking wired to want to have sex with other women. | ||
| So life becomes a matter of managing your desires and managing which ones manifest themselves into the real world because they can cause a lot of negative energy, and they can cause a lot of arguments, and they can cause a lot of lonely nights. | ||
| You've got to look at what is the most logical plan of attack to have a happy life, and what is the most logical attempt to have a wild, chaotic, rollercoaster ride of... | ||
| Those chaotic nights were awesome, though. | ||
| Those are great, man. | ||
| Where you're standing on top of a corner of a building in New York and the sun's coming up and you've got a fucking girl from Liverpool next to you whose tongue sucks at the bottom of her mouth. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And she's like, oh, I need more than another pack of cigarettes. | |
| What time's the store open? | ||
| That fucking shit. | ||
| When you find yourself fucking in a parking lot in the middle of downtown Manhattan, you find yourself just doing crazy shit. | ||
| Yeah, but, you know, ultimately, it's fun, but the real problem with being single, the real problem is meeting cool people. | ||
| It is fucking hard, man. | ||
| It is hard to find the real person. | ||
| You gotta go out with them for a while. | ||
| You gotta talk about controversial subjects. | ||
| You have to, you know, you have to get to know them and know how their brain is structured. | ||
| You suffer a lot of fucking fools when you're single. | ||
| Oh my goodness, you do. | ||
| Buy a nickel for every crazy bitch. | ||
| Nonsense talk and, you know, I watched this guy on a date once and I'll never forget this. | ||
| They were at a table next to us and the guy was talking with this girl and the girl's talking about her dog and how her dog is so used to the finest automobiles and Mercedes-Benz and you know she was like going off about her dog that if she ever tried to bring her dog in a taxi cab she doesn't think her dog would go in and she was like It was just chaos. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And I was just imagining. | ||
| Could you imagine if you got just stuck sitting down next to this fucking dummy and you're actually having this conversation? | ||
| And she's not being a joke. | ||
| She's not being ironic. | ||
| She's not being hilarious. | ||
| That could be a hilarious statement if you're being a silly person, just joking around. | ||
| She wasn't joking around. | ||
| She was bragging about all the finest automobiles that her dog rides in. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| And it was just like, what kind of nonsense conversation would you have with this person? | ||
| That's the real issue with being single, is people don't want to be single. | ||
| You want to have someone that you can spend time with, but what are the odds of finding someone who's actually fucking cool? | ||
| I mean, I met fucking 100 uncool people before I met someone cool. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| And then it's also a matter of what you bring out of that person and what that person brings out of you. | ||
| Because you'll behave completely different in one relationship than another. | ||
| In one relationship, you're a totally different guy. | ||
| I was bad in all my relationships. | ||
| Cheated. | ||
| Fucking yelled. | ||
| I wasn't a good guy. | ||
| I didn't listen. | ||
| Didn't give a shit. | ||
| And then when I met my wife, things just changed for the better. | ||
| And I was like, alright. | ||
| I remember thinking to myself, I stayed single for a long time and then I was like, I'm the fucking problem in all of these failed relationships. | ||
| I'm the Charlie Sheen. | ||
| Well, to be a Bert Kreischer, to be the fucking party animal, you know, you're going to crack a few eggs and make an omelette. | ||
| You're going to piss on a dining room table every now and then. | ||
| Fucking shit's got to go. | ||
| Sometimes you've got to rob a fucking train. | ||
| Listen, that's the only way you make a guy who's as funny as you are in this form of the podcast. | ||
| You know, these stories, these brilliant stories. | ||
| You have to, I mean, your funny on stage comes from years of craft and working on it and writing and performing and stuff, but your ability to just tell these fucking stories on the podcast, that's why you were created the way you were created. | ||
| That's why your life's been so chaotic and insane. | ||
| It's to create this amazing product because a diamond doesn't get made unless you have a mountain pressing up against a piece of coal and You're fucking smushing the shit out of me for a million years. | ||
| That's how you make a fucking diamond. | ||
| You don't make a Burt Kreischer with a normal childhood. | ||
| No alcohol. | ||
| No drugs. | ||
| And when they say, do you want a shot? | ||
| You say, no thanks. | ||
| I think I'm going to get some sleep. | ||
| No. | ||
| When someone gives you a pill, they give you two pills. | ||
| You're at least going to swallow one. | ||
| I can't not fucking hang with the guy. | ||
| I've got to take one. | ||
| You're at least swallowing one, man. | ||
| You're not completely fucking around here. | ||
| The best part about Johnny Knoxville is I ran into him at California Chicken Cafe one day. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like fucking five years later. | ||
| And I was sitting there and he walks in. | ||
| Obviously, he's famous at the time. | ||
| He's been doing movies. | ||
| And he walks in. | ||
| I go, Johnny Knoxville. | ||
| And he looks at me real quick and he goes, Burt Kreischer. | ||
| I went, shut the fuck up. | ||
| And he goes, the number one party animal in the country. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh my God. | |
| What the fuck are you doing out here? | ||
| He remembered you. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| He is the fucking greatest guy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| And his whole fucking posse was at California Chicken Cafe. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| Oh, I wonder if he'll invite me over to meet him. | ||
| I want to meet Steve-O. That's awesome. | ||
| Has he ever done stand-up? | ||
| No. | ||
| He could tell stories. | ||
| Yeah, he seems like he could do stand-up. | ||
| He should do the podcast. | ||
| Oh, it would be awesome. | ||
| Steve-O was fucking awesome, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Was he? | |
| I couldn't find that one. | ||
| Dude, it was in the Ice House Chronicles, number three. | ||
| You need to subscribe to Death Squad, bird. | ||
| Dude, Steve-O was, first of all, he's cool as fuck, but second of all, his fucking experiences, dude, he was on a tree, and a lion climbed up the tree and got on top of him. | ||
| I saw that on TV, and that was the craziest thing I've ever seen in my fucking life. | ||
| And I tamed lions, but I saw that, and I went, I tamed lions. | ||
| You did what? | ||
| A Damed Lions for Bert the Conqueror. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Yeah, I was Tamed Lions. | ||
| Did you have a video of that? | ||
| No, we shot it, but it never aired. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| The show got canceled right after that. | ||
| We shot that, the Fightin' the Bear and then Tamin' the Lions, and then the show got canceled. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| The guy tells me, he goes... | ||
| How long ago was this? | ||
| Seven years ago. | ||
| Seven, I guess. | ||
|
unidentified
|
2004. So does this video exist? | |
| Mark Cronin has it somewhere, I'm sure. | ||
| What the fuck, dude? | ||
| Release that shit on the internet. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It was a bizarre fucking Taming Lions was a nightmare. | ||
| So you have video of you with a full-grown lion? | ||
| Like an actual... | ||
| Fucking three full-grown lions. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| Three full-grown lions and he brings them out. | ||
| How do we get a hold of this? | ||
| Mark Cronin. | ||
| Let's get a hold of Mark Cronin. | ||
| Do you know him? | ||
| Yeah, I know Mark. | ||
| I mean, do you have his phone number? | ||
| Do you have his email address? | ||
| I know Mark Cronin. | ||
| He was my boss for like... | ||
| He did produce the X show. | ||
| On FX. People would love to see that video. | ||
| Put that video on YouTube. | ||
| Me fighting the bear and getting fucking raped by a bear, and then me taming three lions. | ||
| How much money do you think, if that got a million hits, how much money do you think that someone would make if they had those YouTube ads? | ||
| We've got a million hits. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's a really good question. | ||
| Because I heard that like Rebecca Black chick, that girl that made that Friday, Friday song that everybody hated. | ||
| She's got a Blu-ray player. | ||
| But it had like an unbelievable number of views. | ||
| Like something like 35 million plus. | ||
| I mean, it's insane. | ||
| But what's the... | ||
| You know who would know is... | ||
| What's his name? | ||
| John... | ||
| It's good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
LeJoy. | |
| LeJoy. | ||
| John LeJoy would know. | ||
| He would totally know. | ||
| I don't think he's going to tell you how much money he's making. | ||
| Yeah, I wonder, man, because I would think that if you could get millions of hits, boy, that's probably... | ||
| Fox owns the rights to that video, though. | ||
| Fox owns the rights? | ||
| Fox owns all of it. | ||
| I asked them to do a DVD. Well, I'm saying for them to release it and put an ad on it, they could make some money. | ||
| Why not? | ||
| Maybe it would be worth it for them to do it that way. | ||
| I was just thinking, how much does a million hits pay in a YouTube ad? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I have no clue. | ||
| It's interesting that that's sort of becoming... | ||
| How many hits did you get on the Muncio one? | ||
| It's almost becoming sort of a democratic version of a television channel, really, when you think about it. | ||
| I mean, you really... | ||
| I don't want to say democratic, but an open version of it. | ||
| Because it's like... | ||
| There's guys like our friend from the message board, that DCIGS kid. | ||
| That guy's videos have millions of hits, right? | ||
| Doesn't he? | ||
| Mm-hmm. | ||
| Millions. | ||
| Millions of hits. | ||
| And he's got ads on those. | ||
| So, I mean, you've got to be making a few dollars here and there. | ||
| I don't know how much it is, but essentially, this is like one step in a multi-step process of exactly what we're doing here. | ||
| The podcast. | ||
| Being able to make your own shit and not need a travel channel or an NBC or anything to produce something. | ||
| You could do it all Through the online, and having it online actually reaches more people than the networks. | ||
| It's eventually going to happen. | ||
| I mean, how many times do you watch something in full screen on your laptop or on your desktop now? | ||
| Like a YouTube video, and you see it, and it's like, cool definition, right? | ||
| I watched the first four episodes of Pan Am on my computer, and I was like... | ||
| I watched Cotto Margarita. | ||
| There's a fight that's coming up, and they had that 24-7, and I watched it on YouTube. | ||
| The HBO Go. | ||
| If you go to HBO Go on your iPad, you can watch anything that's ever been on HBO. Anything. | ||
| For free. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| I'm like, are you fucking kidding me? | ||
| I went down and watched the entire last, all the fights, all the fucking, all the 24-7s. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What is it again? | |
| HBO what? | ||
| HBO Go. | ||
| You have to have, obviously, you have to have an HBO subscription. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But you just log in. | ||
| Oh my gosh. | ||
| And you can watch anything they ever, Bored to Death, Entourage, fucking Boardwalk Empire, Sopranos. | ||
| Kali Specials? | ||
| Everyone's comedy specials. | ||
|
unidentified
|
God damn! | |
| Anything that's on there, you can watch it. | ||
| And I'm like, how the fuck does Showtime not have that? | ||
| How does Cinemax not have that? | ||
| That is one of the greatest... | ||
| I'm sure eventually they will. | ||
| It's just HBO got there first. | ||
| Man, HBO's on top of that shit because I'll put that on my iPad and go on the elliptical. | ||
| I know that sounds kind of busy, but I go on the elliptical and watch... | ||
| Elliptical's better than running. | ||
| Yeah, it's better on my knees. | ||
| Smart. | ||
| And you can go hard, man. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You can go hard with the elliptical. | ||
| Or very casual and watch Bored to Death. | ||
| Is that what you do? | ||
| Yeah, sometimes. | ||
| So... | ||
| But man, it's the best. | ||
| It just streams live. | ||
| My daughters, this is how crazy this has happened. | ||
| My daughters, we have fucking more TVs in our house than we could ever. | ||
| We have two in the man cave, three in the house. | ||
| My daughters sit in front of the computer every morning in my wife's little office and watch Netflix. | ||
| They stream Netflix. | ||
| This is the next stage. | ||
| We need to set up a podcast. | ||
| Headquarters inside Burt Kreischer's man cave. | ||
| Let's do it! | ||
| I'm in. | ||
| I'll pay for it, Brian. | ||
| You set it up. | ||
| Brian's not going to set it up. | ||
| He's too busy. | ||
| Stop it. | ||
| You're going to have to get your own guy. | ||
| You're going to get your own Brian. | ||
| But we'll set up... | ||
| Just hang out at karaoke bars in North Korea. | ||
| Karaoke bars are a great place to start. | ||
| A lot of good sound guys go to karaoke bars. | ||
| Get a setup so you could just podcast anytime you want. | ||
| So you're sitting at home, you hide in your man cave at 1 o'clock in the morning, have a couple of beers by yourself. | ||
| You could just start talking into a microphone. | ||
| Just start ranting. | ||
| And can you stream it live, right? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| You can stream it. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| It's a beautiful set. | ||
| You can stream it and you can do it just like we're doing it here. | ||
| I'm doing it. | ||
| It also goes to mp3. | ||
| I'm buying a Zoom, baby. | ||
| Let's name it. | ||
| You're buying a Zoom? | ||
| Did you say you're buying a Zoom? | ||
| Not a Zoom. | ||
| It's a Zoom. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm buying a Zoom. | |
| Zoom is the MP3 recorder, bro. | ||
| It's the one that Ari Shafir uses. | ||
| And then I'm getting a... | ||
| And I got a good camera right now. | ||
| Set up it up. | ||
| One shot. | ||
| What do we name it? | ||
| Yeah, that's exactly what I was going to say. | ||
| What do we call this thing? | ||
| The machine in the man cave? | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| That's not bad. | ||
| Machine in the Man Cave is not fucking bad. | ||
| The only thing I would think of is you would want people to be able to, well, what the fuck with Marc Maron? | ||
| Machine in the Man Cave with Burt Kreischer? | ||
| I don't know if I want people finding Burt Kreischer. | ||
| Because I don't know if Travel Channel is going to be fucking super happy about me making another TV show. | ||
| It's not another TV show. | ||
| It's an internet podcast. | ||
| You're not getting paid for it. | ||
| You're doing it for your fans. | ||
| You're doing it because you're an entertaining motherfucker and people want to hear you talk all the time. | ||
| And look, what we're doing right now, there's a lot of people right now that are in their cars. | ||
| There's a lot of people at the gym. | ||
| There's a lot of people that are making some boring-ass commute. | ||
| A lot of people taking the train into New York or back out to Jersey. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Sitting outside of a woman's house. | ||
| It's boring as fuck. | ||
| It drives them nuts. | ||
| And you can bring a little joy. | ||
| I'm doing it. | ||
| I'm doing it in my man cave. | ||
| And I am getting on this shit before I go back on the road to Chicago. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| I'm getting on this shit. | ||
| I'm making it happen. | ||
| So the machine in his man cave. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Don't worry. | ||
| But the Travel Channel is only going to like it because it's only going to promote your show more. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it's like, why would it hurt? | ||
| It's not going to hurt, bro. | ||
| Hopefully it's just like it on Facebook. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| Your online presence right now is just starting to blossom. | ||
| If you had your own podcast, you'd be straight running shit, Bert Kreischer! | ||
| Am I right, Brian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're a bad motherfucker, Bert Kreischer! | ||
| I think you should just do it here, though. | ||
| I don't think you should do it in your man cave. | ||
| Well, you can do it here. | ||
| It's the easiest way to do it. | ||
| I like to be a little buzzed if I'm going to do it sometimes. | ||
| That's what the couch is for. | ||
| Yeah, I know, but what am I, spend the night here? | ||
| You want to cuddle with Brian? | ||
| Sorry, girls. | ||
| Daddy's a death squad. | ||
| I can't make it home. | ||
| You know how cool that sentence sounds? | ||
| Do it. | ||
| Daddy's a Death Squad? | ||
| Daddy's a Death Squad. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| Because people always ask, where does Death Squad name come from? | ||
| You guys call yourselves the Death Squad. | ||
| That's the greatest shit ever. | ||
| Opie. | ||
| Yeah, Opie from Opie and Anthony. | ||
| I came into the studio and it was with my friend Eddie Bravo. | ||
| Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt. | ||
| First American to ever tap at Gracie. | ||
| I saw that fight. | ||
| Tate Fletcher, 205 pound fighter from The Ultimate Fighter. | ||
| I was there. | ||
| Yeah, Brian was there and he's obviously a killer. | ||
| I filmed it. | ||
| I probably have it on film. | ||
| And so, you know, Opie looks at me and goes, it's Joe Rogan, brother, and the death squad, you know, and we just started joking around, yeah, bro, with the death squad, like, just as a goof, and it became, now it's like one of those words, like, you hear it, you know, you hear death squad, and you go, that is the douchiest, most aggro, dumb, but to us, it doesn't even have that same meaning anymore. | ||
| And that's why the logo bounces it out. | ||
| Yeah, the logo with the cat. | ||
| It's like when you and your friends... | ||
| Now it's just a name. | ||
| When you and your friends heard a bunch of douchebags saying, like, bro-ham at spring break, and then you started calling each other bro-ham as a joke, and then all of a sudden you start calling each other bro-ham for real. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You're like, bro-ham. | ||
| And he's like, what's up, bro-ham? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| And then you're like, oh, fuck, no, we're those guys. | ||
|
unidentified
|
We're those guys. | |
| We're one of those random white guys. | ||
| I'm doing it, Joe. | ||
| That squad sounds the douchiest thing ever, but it's just a group of nice people. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's a group of nice people that want to make you laugh. | ||
| I don't know why that's so douchey. | ||
| See, the douchey name just sort of balances it out. | ||
| Otherwise, we'd be too fey. | ||
| We'd be taken advantage of. | ||
| People would stomp all over us. | ||
| They wouldn't fear us, Bert Kreischer. | ||
| People fear us. | ||
| Bert Kreischer, if there's any message you want to give to the young people of the world, what is it? | ||
| What have you learned in your time on this planet, my friend? | ||
| Just take half. | ||
| Just take half? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Don't try to overdo it with drugs. | ||
| Just take one. | ||
| Just take half. | ||
| Just take one. | ||
| If Johnny Knox will give you two, take one. | ||
| That's sound advice, sir. | ||
| Sound advice. | ||
| My advice would be, pretend you're taking it, spit that bitch in a glass, wait a few hours to see if anybody dies. | ||
| See how many people die. | ||
| But the problem is then when you do take it, if nobody dies, then unfortunately you're going to be like last one to the party. | ||
| You know, you last one to the K-hole. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Everybody will be coming out and you'll be sliding in. | ||
| One time, this is fucking right after college. | ||
| We go to a strip club. | ||
| I'm living in New York. | ||
| We go to a strip club. | ||
| Everybody's getting married in Atlanta. | ||
| And everyone gets ecstasy. | ||
| So we go to this bus. | ||
| This big fucking party bus. | ||
| And we're going to the strip clubs in the hood. | ||
| In the swats. | ||
| And it was just when Outkast came on with that song. | ||
| Everybody move to the back of the bus. | ||
| And they were playing that on repeat. | ||
| And everyone took Ecstasy. | ||
| And everyone was taking it. | ||
| And they gave me one. | ||
| And I was like, oh, I'm going to take it. | ||
| And then the last minute I went, I'm not going to take it. | ||
| I don't want to take Ecstasy tonight. | ||
| I think I'm cool. | ||
| And then 35 minutes, everyone started fucking going flipper. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Just... | |
| And passing out. | ||
| And they were moving bodies. | ||
| Flipper. | ||
| Like seizing. | ||
| Like having seizures. | ||
| And they go fucking fall down. | ||
| Fishing out. | ||
| You just had an instinct to not take this. | ||
| I remember I was in the bathroom. | ||
| I had it in my hand. | ||
| And I was just like, I don't want to take XC, man. | ||
| I was past that phase of my life. | ||
| And I was like, I'm not going to fucking take XC. But they had given it to me. | ||
| And I was like, I have it in my hand. | ||
| Dude, that could have changed your life. | ||
| You could have got brain damage from that. | ||
| Well, all my friends now are fucking stockbrokers. | ||
| There you go. | ||
| Brain damage. | ||
| They're all goddamn psychopaths. | ||
| They're all responsible for the corruption that has led to the downfall of this great economy. | ||
| Goddammit, Bert Kreischer. | ||
| But yeah, I dodged that bullet. | ||
| Make your contribution to the world, Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Buy American cars. | ||
| Do you buy American cars? | ||
| I have a Ford out there. | ||
| Good for you. | ||
| That's what I'm fucking talking about. | ||
| Sink that shit. | ||
| I really would like to go all American. | ||
| What are you driving today? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Today I got my BMW. You have a Ford Mustang. | |
| It's my favorite car. | ||
| It's my most silly car, but my favorite car. | ||
| But the next Mustang I'm going to get is a hardtop. | ||
| The ragtop freaks me out. | ||
| The fact that the fucking meteor could just hit you on the head. | ||
| The odds of that happening are very slim. | ||
| Who cares about that? | ||
| The hardtop's not going to do anything. | ||
| It sounds like it's a top of Meteor. | ||
| It's also... | ||
| Good thing I had a hard top. | ||
| Well, it'll lessen the blow. | ||
| Perhaps. | ||
| It's Tom Segura. | ||
| It's Tom Segura. | ||
| Oh, put him on. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| Oh, it's hooked onto my fucking car. | ||
| Hold on. | ||
| Why is your car on? | ||
| Oh, why is my car on? | ||
| It's not on. | ||
| It's driving phones. | ||
| Put it on speakerphone. | ||
| I'm trying. | ||
| You want me to do it for you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, what's up, man? | |
| Hey, you're on the Joe Rogan podcast with Joe Rogan. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey, Tommy Buns! | |
| Hey, what's up, guys? | ||
| Tommy Buns, we're going to talk about that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Bert Creshing, you got a problem with that guy. | |
| Okay. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Nothing, Buns. | ||
| Where are you at? | ||
| Where are you at? | ||
| Are you by Pasadena? | ||
| Come say hi. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, man, I'm not by Pasadena. | |
| Where are you at? | ||
| Are you guys still doing it right now? | ||
| We're doing it right now. | ||
| We're live right now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, fuck, man. | |
| Well, I'm going to tell you my shave story. | ||
| I'm going to shave. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's the bird Chrysler. | |
| Oh, Tommy, I'm going to tell him about the time I shaved your underarms. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| You shaved his underarms? | ||
| Alright, have fun with that, man. | ||
| Alright, I love you. | ||
| Bye, Tommy. | ||
| We were in Hawaii doing a gig. | ||
| You shaved his underarms. | ||
| Tom's hair, Tom's so fucking hairy, his hair connects from his underarms to his chest. | ||
| And I saw it, and I go, Tom, you can't let that happen, man. | ||
| I'm so glad you brought this up, because I want you to tell me what you told me last night. | ||
| Is that cool? | ||
| Can you tell me last night what those guys said? | ||
| What the guys said about the reason why you were happy that Russell Peters wasn't there when you guys were shooting guns? | ||
| Yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| Tell that story, please. | ||
| So wait, so let's... | ||
| I'll start to say it from the... | ||
| So we do me, Tom... | ||
| And Russell Peters do a gig for the USO, for the military in Pearl Harbor. | ||
| Our buddy Charlie books it, flies us all down. | ||
| Russell's brother's there. | ||
| Russell's a great guy. | ||
| I love Russell. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love Russell. | |
| And I love his brother even more. | ||
| If I could tickle one person to death, it would be his brother. | ||
| His brother, Clayton, has got the best giggle in the world. | ||
| Brian just gets mad. | ||
| That's rude. | ||
| Brian wishes it was him. | ||
| Think about it a little bit. | ||
| So we get there, and Russell's definitely a big, like, he's a big name, and he doesn't, he's not gonna, he's there to do the show. | ||
| He's also there for vacation with his chick, and his brother, and his wife, and they're having a good time, and they want us all to hang out, but there's like a list of things that they kind of wanted us to do. | ||
| One of them's like, sample firearms, like go out and shoot firearms, and like, do this like, thing where these people come up in the screen, and you gotta shoot them, and Russell doesn't want to do that shit. | ||
| So we're like, we're like, alright, so me, Tom, Charlie, and all our wives go out to do this like, Simulation where it's war. | ||
| We all have guns. | ||
| We all have fucking... | ||
| There's a big thing up and we get out there and we're like, man, I wish Russell would come. | ||
| This is really cool. | ||
| And Tom's like, yeah, I know. | ||
| And then the guy comes up and he's like, all right, the simulation's starting in 30 seconds. | ||
| If it's brown and it moves, you kill it. | ||
| And we were like, well, thank God Russell didn't come because he would not have enjoyed this game at all. | ||
| First of all, that impression is amazing. | ||
| Give me that impression again. | ||
| Alright! | ||
| This starts in 30 seconds! | ||
| If it's brown and it moves, you kill it! | ||
| God damn. | ||
| That sounds like Nick Nolte. | ||
| It's my old... | ||
| Nick Nolte about 10 years ago. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| When he's still robust. | ||
| Oh man, I have a quick... | ||
| That is the craziest shit ever. | ||
| So we... | ||
| They're joking around about killing brown people. | ||
| Yeah, and then Brian, and then Scott, Tom and I just kind of blow it off. | ||
| We're like, I was fucked up. | ||
| I'm glad Russell wasn't here for that. | ||
| Or Clayton, because they're both very brown. | ||
| So, then we go to do this show, and I go up first, and it's like, I kind of do okay, but I'm hosting a little bit. | ||
| Tom's younger at comedy at the time, so he's gonna go second, because it's a little easier of a spot. | ||
| He goes second. | ||
| He opens with a joke, like, they say, don't make fun of Hawaiians. | ||
| Tom's opening joke was, wow, Island Living's really slow down here. | ||
| That's what they told me. | ||
| I didn't know they were talking about your metabolisms. | ||
| Wow, these people are fat. | ||
| Like, that's his opening joke, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| So, then... | ||
| Russell goes on stage and Tom and I realize for the first time we put the dots together that these people have been trained to kill brown people and they just have a brown person headlining on stage and they don't see they're not seeing the nuances of Indian versus Iraqi they're just seeing brown and you can hear the murmur in the crowd just like why is this guy here? | ||
| Why don't we have a white guy? | ||
| Like in their heads. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah and Tom and I were just like ugh. | ||
| What about black guys? | ||
| Black is very different than brown. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I mean, look, I'm also categorizing... | ||
| Were the black guys having... | ||
| What are they saying? | ||
| We wish we had a black guy? | ||
| We wish we had a white guy? | ||
| What were they saying? | ||
| There weren't a lot of black guys, to be honest with you. | ||
| It was a lot of white guys. | ||
| Yeah, it was... | ||
| I mean, it was Pearl Harbor. | ||
| We weren't in, like, the thick of it. | ||
| It was a lot of officers. | ||
| It was the Navy. | ||
| Like, I mean... | ||
| And I'm also putting words in the mouths of people who aren't allowed to talk right now. | ||
| So I don't want you to think, I'm from Pearl Harbor. | ||
| I don't have a problem with brown people. | ||
| But I'm telling you, this was the heat of the war. | ||
| And this is what me and Tom experienced. | ||
| Yeah, just tell the truth. | ||
| And we were like, fuck. | ||
| And then the next day, they were like, yeah, you're never coming back. | ||
| And Charlie lost that gig. | ||
| It was a really cool gig, Hawaii, for like a week. | ||
| But, so, during this gig... | ||
| So you would go to Hawaii for a week and do how many shows? | ||
| Just one show. | ||
| Two shows. | ||
| You used to do two shows. | ||
| One in the mess hall for the guys, and that could be dirty as you wanted to do. | ||
| And then one that was on stage, and Dog the Bounty Hunter would come out and wave to everybody. | ||
| So did they cancel it because Russell was brown? | ||
| I think they said they canceled it because Tom and I were dirty, but we weren't really dirty. | ||
| You know? | ||
| We didn't curse at all. | ||
| But I think they just canceled it. | ||
| You can't curse? | ||
| It was also a new... | ||
| You couldn't curse at all. | ||
| How crazy is that? | ||
| But no one cursed. | ||
| No one cursed. | ||
| Did you imagine, though, the idea that you are... | ||
| They can send you to war. | ||
| They can arm you with guns and tell you you're supposed to kill these people. | ||
| But... | ||
| You can't hear anybody swear at a comedy show. | ||
| I mean, it's the military. | ||
| I think that's pretty much their thing. | ||
| They don't ever let people curse on their shows. | ||
| I remember I read a Louis C.K. article that he had on his blog about going overseas to entertain the troops and about how one time he kind of got dirty at a show and he apologized afterwards because he couldn't help it. | ||
| They were loving it. | ||
| They were just going crazy and he couldn't help it. | ||
| We just wanted to entertain them. | ||
| We wanted them to be laughing. | ||
| But yeah, I guess they do a lot of censorship. | ||
| They keep you from really doing your full act. | ||
| But the first night there, me and Tom get there. | ||
| Russell's not there. | ||
| It's just me and Tom and our wives. | ||
| And Tom and I proceed to get fucking pissed drunk on the beach. | ||
| And then we go up to his room. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| My wife falls asleep. | ||
| It's me, Tom, and Christina Push, I call her, in his room. | ||
| And Tom has his shirt off, and his chest hair connects from his armpits to his tits. | ||
| So I go, Tommy, let me shape that for you. | ||
| I'll shape it so it looks like you have breasts, so you look more muscular. | ||
| And he goes, you think that'll work? | ||
| I'm like, yeah, we're both really drunk. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So I shave a line, right? | |
| I shave a line here, and I give him a... | ||
| You have pictures of this? | ||
| Yeah, Tom's got pictures. | ||
| It looks like his tits are wearing a mask about to commit a robbery. | ||
| It just looks like fucking two tits going... | ||
| Oh, no one knows who we are. | ||
| Alright, well, folks, we need you to harass Tom Segura on Twitter and tell him to put these pictures online. | ||
| We need to see these pictures. | ||
| Yeah, he's got them. | ||
| He posted them. | ||
| I think they're on his Facebook, to be honest with you. | ||
| He's going to put it on your mom's house this week. | ||
| Tom's a great guy. | ||
| He really is one of the funniest fucking guys. | ||
| So, did you want to talk about that situation you had or no? | ||
| Five. | ||
| Five minutes? | ||
| Perfect. | ||
| Did you want to talk about that situation you had or no? | ||
| I mean, I don't know what to say. | ||
| I mean... | ||
| You know, I don't know. | ||
| It's a weird fucking... | ||
| You don't have to talk about it. | ||
| What would you say? | ||
| What would I say if I was you? | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| It's... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| If I saw Bieber at a grocery store, I would also get hard on. | ||
| Is that what you're talking about? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Listen, I don't want to force you into anything, so we'll just end this thing right here. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Joe! | |
| Seriously. | ||
| We've got to end anyway. | ||
| We've got five minutes before the power goes off because this is a three-hour podcast already. | ||
| And at three hours, Ustream cuts it off and then it becomes two separate hunks and it gets annoying. | ||
| Jay Moore and I have been very incestuous, I would say, with this Tracy Morgan story. | ||
| Jay has admittedly on his podcast said he told it that it happened to him and he distinctly regrets ever having told it on Opie and Anthony that it happened to him. | ||
| He started telling it that it happened to me. | ||
| And at the time that he told it that it happened about me, I was like, oh fuck, that makes me feel like... | ||
| Whatever. | ||
| It was a story I never wanted told. | ||
| I didn't want it told because I don't know Tracy. | ||
| I'm telling... | ||
| It's something I never wanted... | ||
| I want it to be behind the scenes. | ||
| When you have a good Mitch Hedberg story, I thought it would be one of those. | ||
| You thought it would be a good story that we'd tell at comedy clubs and... | ||
| Right. | ||
| To us. | ||
| There's a lot of those. | ||
| There's a lot of like, I got a great Otto and George story. | ||
| There's a bunch of great stories that we all tell to each other. | ||
| And so Jay started telling on stage and then started telling us that it happened to him. | ||
| I talked to him on his podcast about it and he distinctly... | ||
| I'm done telling it. | ||
| I'm never going to tell it again. | ||
| I don't want to tell it anymore. | ||
| My wife thought it was a bad idea the first time I told it. | ||
| And then what happened was we went to Amsterdam and Gary Garfinkel, the VP of Showtime, said to me in front of a bunch of comics, you're Bert from the Tracy Morgan story Jay tells on his special. | ||
| Which fucking is like throwing lunch meat in front of lions. | ||
| Everyone's like, what do you mean? | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| And then I... Two-fold protective of a friend. | ||
| I was concerned that he had taped it for his special, and I was like, it's fucking sociopathic. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| I talked to him today and he said he did tape it for a special but he told it that it happened to me. | ||
| It's still a weird middle ground. | ||
| It's still your story. | ||
| It's still your life. | ||
| It's still your bit. | ||
| It's still your story. | ||
| The reason why it was funny in the first place is because you told him. | ||
| He laughed at it and then he repeated what you said. | ||
| That's your story. | ||
| Every story is not exactly the events in order, in absolute order. | ||
| There's an art to telling a story. | ||
| And that's what you're really good at. | ||
| You're really good at not just telling stories, but telling them with economy of words and setting them up correctly and building it right to a big ending. | ||
| And that's what you did in that thing. | ||
| It's not just a story, okay? | ||
| Because you didn't tell that story as if you're connecting the dots. | ||
| Man walks on land, man finds plant, man eats plant. | ||
| You didn't do that. | ||
| What you did is you told it in a theatric way, and he just simply repeated that. | ||
| Okay, that's not telling someone's story. | ||
| That's stealing someone's bit. | ||
| Am I right? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Brian? | ||
| I think so. | ||
| Absolutely. | ||
| If I told you a story of something that was really insane, that's a real story. | ||
| He told you he was going to stop doing it. | ||
| I saw somebody get hit on the highway and die. | ||
| The brain splattered out. | ||
| I talked about it a long-ass time ago on a podcast. | ||
| It was one of the biggest, craziest things that's ever happened to me. | ||
| If I told that story to Joe, and then Joe started doing it originally as it happened to him on stage to begin with, immediately that would piss me off so fucking hard. | ||
| I think that would make it even a thousand times worse. | ||
| I think that in this worst case scenario that this is, obviously, but I think he did the best. | ||
| He's obviously taken for granted the fact that the story is structured in a funny way. | ||
| You told him a story that's structured in a funny way. | ||
| It's not simply a bunch of facts just put together in a timeline. | ||
| You told it to him in an entertaining way. | ||
| Out of all this that happened, I think the best of the worst case scenario was that he does tell it on his special that it happened to me. | ||
| So in a weird way, I get... | ||
| Yeah, he gets the laughs for something that's pretty important. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| Jay, yeah. | ||
| Well, I'm fucking... | ||
| He doesn't want to not do it because it's too good. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's too good a story. | ||
| And it's written out how you said it to him. | ||
| It's not like he did not put the words in the story. | ||
| You told him the story. | ||
| The only fair thing to do is have Jay on the podcast and let him tell his side of the story. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Or not. | ||
| Or act like exactly how we acted before. | ||
| We just don't fucking... | ||
| Talk to the guy and we don't have anything to do with that guy. | ||
| I don't want to be a part of an attack on Jay at all because I never... | ||
| I mean, it's as much as I should have been a fucking grown man. | ||
| I should have been a grown man at the very beginning. | ||
| If I wasn't comfortable with what was being happened, I should have been a grown man who stood up and said, I don't like this. | ||
| Make it stop right now. | ||
| That's what I should have done. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| And in essence, I didn't, and so what is happening is exactly you reap what you sow. | ||
| I allowed whatever is happening to happen, and it's as much my fault as it is anyone's. | ||
| You're in a bad relationship. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, you need to break up. | |
| That's what it sounds like. | ||
| You're in an abusive relationship. | ||
| You do. | ||
| You need to break up. | ||
| Maybe, yeah. | ||
| Is that what's going on? | ||
| Does he kiss you on the belly? | ||
| Does he make you do things you don't want to do? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| What does he do? | ||
| There's a secret here. | ||
| You're molested. | ||
| I'm being molested by Jay Moore! | ||
| We're going to turn down the lights. | ||
| I'm being molested by Jay Moore! | ||
| Are we running out of time yet, Brian? | ||
| Sandusky says yes. | ||
| If we run out of time, I don't want it to go over. | ||
| We good? | ||
| Well, we're over on iTunes, but we have about seven minutes on Ustream. | ||
| I'm being molested! | ||
| So over on iTunes means what? | ||
| That might work better. | ||
| Ustream's a thing that... | ||
| Tom and I had a conversation about it last night, and I... You know, it's... | ||
| It is behavior... | ||
| If, in fact, I should take responsibility for everything, my ego was inflamed the first time he told it, and he said that it happened to me, my ego was inflamed. | ||
| And I loved it because it made me feel good. | ||
| It made me feel like I was a real comic, that I had a real fucking thing. | ||
| And then I thought that was where it would end. | ||
| I didn't, you know... | ||
| Obviously, we said this... | ||
| How does Tracy Morgan feel about this story? | ||
| I don't want fucking to find out. | ||
| Because here's the worst part is I never wanted Tracy to... | ||
| The reason I never told it is I didn't want fucking Tracy to go... | ||
| Man, who the fuck's Bert Kreischer? | ||
| Why'd you tell that story? | ||
| Why can't you keep that to yourself? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I have kids. | ||
| I'm, you know. | ||
| That's the fucking worst part of it. | ||
| I mean, I think Tracy, I doubt he remembers that night in the slightest, but I don't know how he'd act. | ||
| I don't know how he'd act. | ||
| Hopefully, you know, here's the worst part is I told the story to a bunch of comics in Cincinnati with Tony Woods. | ||
| Tony Woods is one of my good friends who used to party all the time, and Tony was there that night. | ||
| And Tony, you know, you tell the story so much, and then you start going, how much of this is true? | ||
| Like, you just end up hitting the beats of your story. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| You create it. | ||
| Yeah, you're like, what? | ||
| And so I said to Tony, I go, I'm going to tell the story again. | ||
| I go, man, step in at any point and tell me where I'm straying off from the exact truth. | ||
| And he was like, okay. | ||
| Told the whole story verbatim. | ||
| And Tony, the only point that corrected is he thought Tracy said more before he said, now that's how you get out of paying a check. | ||
| He thought that, he was like, no, Tracy stood up and he was like... | ||
| Check this. | ||
| And gave a little bit of a monologue, which I just got to the... | ||
| Oh, so he said a few more things. | ||
| He stood up and he was like, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And then as we left, he was like... | ||
| Just change that to somebody else, like Alan Thicke or something. | ||
| It's your story, dude. | ||
| It's your story, period. | ||
| And that's disturbing. | ||
| It's depressing. | ||
| Isn't it? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It was a great podcast. | ||
| I'm glad we ended on that. | ||
| I had a great time today. | ||
| It's important, man. | ||
| It's important for him as much as it's important for you to not let people step on you, for him to not step on people, you know? | ||
| He knows... | ||
| I think he knows everything... | ||
| That he did wrong in that transgression. | ||
| And you know that you were a little bit weak. | ||
| And I was weak. | ||
| So if anyone is at fault, I'm as much as at fault. | ||
| A little bit. | ||
| You let him step on you. | ||
| You let him abuse you. | ||
| It is something that if I want to have a productive life as a comic, I fucking pass it. | ||
| Maybe people hear that story and they go, who the fuck's Bert Kreischer? | ||
| And they research me after a special. | ||
| I think... | ||
| I think that's going to do more damage to him than it's going to benefit him. | ||
| He's a great storyteller. | ||
| He's a funny guy. | ||
| He's really funny and he's a great storyteller. | ||
| And telling your story like that, it makes him seem illegitimate. | ||
| I mean, he's better than that. | ||
| He doesn't need to do that. | ||
| He does not. | ||
| His whole act is good. | ||
| He's a solid comic. | ||
| He's a very funny guy. | ||
| He doesn't need to do that one bit. | ||
| That one bit discredits him in a way that's unfortunate and unnecessary. | ||
| And unfortunately, really, truly, it's going to define him. | ||
| How much more does that bit kill than the rest of his material? | ||
| Great bit, man. | ||
| It's a pretty good bit. | ||
| He does a really fucking bananas Tracy Morgan impression. | ||
| Tracy Morgan impression is dynamite. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, it's almost excusable just because the Morgan impression is so fucking good. | ||
| It's really fucking good. | ||
| I mean, when you read the chat threads on YouTube, it's like... | ||
| You can do that with anybody, though, man. | ||
| He does a great Colin Quinn. | ||
| I mean, he's a great impressionist. | ||
| He's one of the best. | ||
| He's, in my opinion, one of the most underappreciated impressionists amongst comedians. | ||
| Hands down. | ||
| His Colin Quinn is on the fucking button, and it's really funny. | ||
| He has, like, funny shit that he says. | ||
| Are you guys backtracking? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Hey, I loved it. | ||
| I'm never gonna fucking... | ||
| Listen, man, you can't not be honest. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| You gotta express the positives, the negatives, the whole ball of wax. | ||
| It's not... | ||
| And he would agree. | ||
| I would venture to say he would probably, if he was sitting at this table, agree with everything we're saying to a large point. | ||
| And I think his wife, Nick, is a lot like you in the sense that the first time he told that on Opie and Anthony, as if it happened to him, she was like, you're fucked up. | ||
| You can't do that. | ||
| You can't say that it happened to you. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| You don't have to. | ||
| It's not necessarily. | ||
| You know, Mark Twain once said, always tell the truth. | ||
| That way you don't have to remember anything. | ||
| And it's a smart fucking thing. | ||
| It's a smart way to be. | ||
| You know, people forgive you for the truth. | ||
| What they don't forgive is horse shit. | ||
| Because then, god damn it, it's tough enough communicating with people with noises that you make with your fucking mouth that we attach to a bunch of meaning things. | ||
| It's difficult. | ||
| It's difficult to do. | ||
| When I find out that you're making artificial noises, you're faking it, that you're saying things that aren't true, or you're bullshitting me, or you're representing yourself in any way where I feel like, now I can't get an honest read from you. | ||
| Now our communication is all horseshit because you just have this impression that you want to put out. | ||
| You don't want me to know the real you. | ||
| You want to put out this impression and you want me to respond to it in a positive way to fill up your fucking insecurities. | ||
| And that's not what it's supposed to be all about. | ||
| That's why when you were talking about your machine story and you were saying, could you imagine if that machine story, if somebody came up to you and goes, dude, everywhere you go, people yell out the machine. | ||
| I mean, I have a t-shirt. | ||
| I have two of them that say the machine has your face on it. | ||
| Could you imagine if that wasn't a real story? | ||
| Or if it happened to somebody else. | ||
| Oh, it would fucking crush me. | ||
| If someone found out that it was entirely fabricated, no one would ever listen to a word. | ||
| That's the only reason I ever was hesitant about ever telling the Tracy Morgan story in the first place, because all it took Was Tracy Morgan one time saying that never happened? | ||
| And my entire credentials as a comic for the rest of my life were done with. | ||
| No matter if me and Tony Woods stood on a soapbox and watching in Square Park like Charlie Burnett and said... | ||
| I disagree and I think everybody would believe you. | ||
| Oh yeah, maybe, maybe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You know how people view Tracy Morgan. | ||
| I remember when I was a young comic in New York saying I had a story that was this... | ||
| It was based off of a bit that I had heard in the music, and I liked the way they tagged the song, and I just wrote this bit with this story involved, and the tag was this song from an outcast lyric, and it was great. | ||
| It was fucking great, and this fucking guy came up to me, and he goes, that is one of the best stories I've ever heard. | ||
| It has id, it has ego, it has everything that's beautiful about a story. | ||
| You've got to tell me, is it true? | ||
| And I looked at him, and I wanted credit, and I went... | ||
| No. | ||
| I fucking made it up. | ||
| And he looked at me like I told him, I fucked Santa Claus in the ass. | ||
| I fucked Santa Claus in the ass. | ||
| And I was like, number one, I will never fucking make up a fucking fabricated... | ||
| That is... | ||
| You just... | ||
| You just don't have anything to fucking put your head on the pillow at the end of the night. | ||
| You go, all I got or whatever happened to me, however I fucking tell it, however I craft it, and present it. | ||
| Unless you tell a story that you wrote and made up and then go, I just made that up. | ||
| That didn't really happen. | ||
| Oh yeah, I've done that before plenty of times. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing wrong with that. | |
| You're doing something for comic relief. | ||
| As long as you're not trying to mislead people. | ||
| As long as you're only doing it for a joke. | ||
| Your intention is to fucking entertain. | ||
| That's what my job is. | ||
| I'm a fucking comedian. | ||
| He's a fucking comedian. | ||
| He's a good one, goddammit. | ||
| Follow him on Twitter. | ||
| It's Bert Kreischer, B-E-R-T-K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R. Holla at your boy. | ||
| And follow him online at Bert, Bert, Bert. | ||
| There's some sort of a sale today, but apparently there's no fucking sale. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| Cyber Monday! | ||
| Sail at birdbirdbird.com! | ||
| Buy his shirt. | ||
| I prefer the thin one. | ||
| I have both. | ||
| The heather. | ||
| Everyone rocks the heather. | ||
| It's very nice. | ||
| It makes me feel sexy. | ||
| I like it. | ||
| It's a light fit. | ||
| It's like a summer breeze. | ||
| Make me feel fine. | ||
| Thank you to The Fleshlight for sponsoring our podcast. | ||
| And if you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight, enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| My favorite podcast we've done so far. | ||
| Dude, you're the best. | ||
| I love you, man. | ||
| This is my favorite one we've had. | ||
| We're also sponsored by Onnit.com. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T. Today is Monday, February 28th, and it is Cyber Monday. | ||
| 25% off everything when you put in the code word cyber. | ||
| Other than that, after today, enter in the code name ROGEN. Get 10% off your alpha brain. | ||
| Go get yourself some new mood. | ||
| Get your shit together, bitches. | ||
| We love you. | ||
| We appreciate you. | ||
| We're all in this shit together. | ||
| We've got a lot more people this week. | ||
| A lot of more! | ||
| I want to do that live show. | ||
| Oh, we're going to have Adam Curry, too. | ||
| Adam Curry, you communicated to us through your podcast. | ||
| We communicate back. | ||
| You're the man who created the podcast. | ||
| We would love to have you on. | ||
| Oh, shut up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Holla from MTV. Remember? | ||
| Yes, that's what I was like. | ||
| From MTV? Yeah, we've got Twitter people are putting this in motion. | ||
| Thank you, Twitter people. | ||
| I don't have your name, whoever you did this, my one gentleman that I was communicating with, but thank you, sir. | ||
| All right. | ||
| I love you, bitches. | ||
| We'll see you tomorrow. |
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