Oct. 10, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
02:45:01
| 
| Speaker | Time | Text |
|---|---|---|
| You have a neighbor that is dying for me to introduce you to him. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| And also, AlphaBrain from Onnit. | ||
| Oh, shit. | ||
| O-N-N-I-T dot com. | ||
| Makers of AlphaBrain, and we have a new product out called Shroom Tech. | ||
| Something with mushrooms, but I'm not sold on it yet. | ||
| I've only tried it a couple of times. | ||
| Anyway, if you go to that website and enter in Rogue, you get 10% off. | ||
| I'm just saving you money, bitches. | ||
| All around. | ||
| Bird crisis in the house, and we're finned to get busy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The general experience. | |
| Oh, it's different. | ||
| That soundtrack is going to be responsible for some ringing in my ears when I'm an old man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know? | |
| It can't be good for you. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| Comes an abrupt ending. | ||
| Brian's just getting crafty today. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With all new things, Brian. | ||
| It's the alpha brain. | ||
| Is that what it is? | ||
| It's tweaked you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Have you taken it, Brian? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I tweeted something the other day that right after I did, I'm like, you know what? | ||
| That actually is not even probably a good thing, but it is a good thing. | ||
| That's not a good thing. | ||
| I feel like I need alpha brain now. | ||
| You feel like you're addicted to it. | ||
| Kind of. | ||
| But it's addictive not for a bad reason. | ||
| It's addictive for a clear-headed reason. | ||
| Almost like, hey, I should have been on prescription drugs the whole time, but I'm not. | ||
| Imagine if you got on the real shit. | ||
| Why don't you go to a doctor and see what's up? | ||
| They might have something for you that works awesome. | ||
| You might be wrestling with life, and you might just go to some place. | ||
| Might be? | ||
| Have you seen his beard? | ||
| What about mine? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, Brian's beard is like borderline homeless. | |
| Yeah, there's carrot juice in it too. | ||
| I could taste it. | ||
| I think it looks like you don't give a fuck. | ||
| I like that look. | ||
| It definitely looks like you don't give a fuck. | ||
| That looks like a guy who has a relaxed job. | ||
| Oh, mine? | ||
| I was just on Rachel Ray the other day. | ||
| I trimmed the shit out of mine. | ||
| Yeah, like I was a black football player. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You manscaped? | |
| Like, down lines here, a little longer here. | ||
| See, I don't know if I like manscaping. | ||
| Like, I was thinking about manscaping, and my girl was like, no, I like the crazy homeless look. | ||
| Like, I like it. | ||
| It looks like you're, you know... | ||
| That's how you know you got a good one. | ||
| That's how you know you got a good one. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Girls who like facial hair, like, any girl wants you to, ew, shave all that, ew, shave all that, that's a broken bitch. | ||
| You don't want that one in your life. | ||
| Have you noticed when you shave underneath your chin and then it starts to grow back just a teeny bit like a 5 o'clock shadow? | ||
| It looks weird. | ||
| It looks like you're... | ||
| You can't over-aggressively make the jawline because then you look like one of the gay guys that's just trying to look skinny in the steam room. | ||
| You need to look... | ||
| My wife was like, you need to grow that shit out. | ||
| I had great beard trimming advice. | ||
| The gay guys who try to look skinny? | ||
| Is that what they're doing? | ||
| That's at least what I thought when they walked by me. | ||
| So this is like the sculpted outline of the jawbone? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| But not even really. | ||
| It's like where they wish the jawbone were. | ||
| It's like Bob from Biggest Loser used to rock that shit. | ||
| He's totally gay. | ||
| I was on a Christian rock station in fucking Asheville, Carolina. | ||
| You were on a Christian rock station in Asheville? | ||
| Right. | ||
| And they were like, keep it Christian. | ||
| I was like, of course. | ||
| Keep it Christian, they said you! | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! | |
| That's the opposite of Stay Black. | ||
| That's the exact opposite of Stay Black. | ||
| Keep it Christian. | ||
| No dicks in your ass. | ||
| I think the ending's still the same. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| Keep it Christian. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa. | |
| So then I go, don't worry about it. | ||
| I'll talk about The Biggest Loser, because I was obsessed about The Biggest Loser. | ||
| And I was like, where can we sit here wrong on The Biggest Loser? | ||
| Because the girl was, too. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And the girl's like... | ||
| We started talking about it, and I was like, I go, first of all, Bob and Jillian are beasts. | ||
| I worked out in Bob's spin class at Crunch LA, and I go, he said one of the greatest things in a workout. | ||
| I remember, I was like 220 pounds, getting ready to go home for Thanksgiving, and I'm doing a spin class, and he says... | ||
| I want you to stay out of the saddle. | ||
| Stay out of the saddle for Thanksgiving. | ||
| You're going to see people you grew up with. | ||
| Do you want them to look at you and go, God, I wish I fucked him! | ||
| And I'm like, yes, yes. | ||
| And I'm pedaling and pedaling. | ||
| But I didn't say fuck on the thing. | ||
| And then the girl goes... | ||
| How did you say that on a Christian show? | ||
| Do you want them to wish that they had been with you? | ||
| That they had dated you? | ||
| Do you want them to look at you and think your life is better? | ||
| It was like a long rant. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Because then I ended up, I go, the only thing that bummed me out was he's gay. | ||
| So then the whole time she goes, hold on. | ||
| Bob is not gay. | ||
| And I was like, no, Bob's really gay. | ||
| Like, he's definitely gay. | ||
| You weren't allowed to say that? | ||
| No, she just didn't know Bob. | ||
| The guy she's modeled her life after is a homosexual! | ||
| She had no idea? | ||
| No idea! | ||
| By the way, Bob and Jillian are the hosts of this show, right? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, and Bob's totally gay. | ||
| I've never watched the show, so I'm just... | ||
| So, Bob is out? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| Okay, but she doesn't know. | ||
| He's not out. | ||
| He doesn't come on to whatever talk show and go, I'm really gay. | ||
| Is he like Anderson Cooper out? | ||
| Is he super out? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Is Anderson Cooper out? | ||
| Everyone keeps on telling me he's gay. | ||
| I never thought he was gay. | ||
| I thought he was heroic. | ||
| I have no problem with gay, but he seems gay. | ||
| He seems like a very nice gay man. | ||
| Yeah, he's definitely gay. | ||
| He's got pretty lips. | ||
| Anderson Cooper's definitely gay. | ||
| He seems like it. | ||
| No, he is. | ||
| But I like the guy. | ||
| Yeah, I have nothing wrong with him being gay. | ||
| For a lot of people, that's a huge issue, though. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| That's all America. | ||
| That's a bummer of an issue, man. | ||
| Like, what do you give a fuck? | ||
| Why do you care? | ||
| Such a bummer. | ||
| Some dudes fuck fat chicks. | ||
| I bet Tom Brokaw is one of those people. | ||
| Do you really think so? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why? | ||
| It's just because it's competition and he's old school. | ||
| He's like, yarr, yarr. | ||
| Coming up behind me in the ratings. | ||
| Making me nervous. | ||
| He's got old school gays. | ||
| It's Moe Dicker. | ||
| It's Moe and Cock with his mouth. | ||
| I lived around gay kids, or gay people rather. | ||
| I lived around a lot of gay people when I was growing up. | ||
| I got just really used to it. | ||
| I lived in San Francisco from 7 to 11. So the whole time, we were constantly around gay people. | ||
| The only time it was ever weird was when some dude whistled at my stepdad. | ||
| I was like, whoa, that's... | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, that was fucked up. | ||
| I was like, that's not just rude. | ||
| A guy's walking with his son and you're whistling at him? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He made one of those, and I was like, oh, this is the creepiest fucking thing ever. | ||
| Being seven years old and having somebody do that. | ||
| But that's just a douchebag. | ||
| That guy could have been a guy. | ||
| He could have been a straight guy, rather. | ||
| He's the same guy working the sledgehammer that sees a girl and goes, man. | ||
| Or the overly aggressive lesbian trying to pick up women. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| Fuck that. | ||
| I'm talking about the overly aggressive lesbian that walks up to me and says shit to me at a gay bar. | ||
| I lived with two lesbians in New York for a long time, and we'd go out to their bars because they wanted to go there. | ||
| And we'd go and hang out and have beers, and then there'd all be that chick that'd just roll up on me like, what are you doing here? | ||
| And you're like, come on. | ||
| I'm just hanging out. | ||
| What are you doing here? | ||
| No one wants you here. | ||
| And you'd be like, ugh. | ||
| And then my friends would be like, he's with us. | ||
| He's our roommate. | ||
| And I always wanted to be like, bitch. | ||
| I'm the guy that turned you into the girl you are today. | ||
| Don't ever fucking forget that. | ||
| But I never said it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I never said it. | |
| I just was always like, oh, I'm just saying, let me get you a drink. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Some pent-up hostility there, Bert Kreischer. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Wait, can we go back for a second about our brain? | ||
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Okay, so you give me a bottle. | ||
| I gave it to you, and I forgot I gave it to you. | ||
| And I offered to give it to you again today. | ||
| And I took it, because this is what this shit does. | ||
| Yeah, you took it, but you were telling me that you tweeted about some crazy dreams, and I didn't hear them. | ||
| Okay, not even crazy dreams. | ||
| We're talking about... | ||
| Does anyone know what a real fucking lucid dream is? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, a lucid dream. | ||
| For anyone that's not listening, in my opinion, this is what these pills did to me, okay? | ||
| It's a dream where in the middle you go, oh, fuck, I'm dreaming. | ||
| I can do anything I fucking want, okay? | ||
| Now, it's as good as, so I had a dream one time. | ||
| I was going in to do an important TV thing, and I was nervous about it, and so I was taking Alpha Brain. | ||
| And in the dream, I went in, I did it, and I did it wrong. | ||
| But it was so fucking real. | ||
| It was so real I could taste it, and I was depressed, in the middle of a dream, depressed that I had fucked this up. | ||
| And then I got in the elevator to leave, and I saw that I was wearing highlight neon red Kasa workout pants with a matching Kasa neon bandana, and no shirt. | ||
| I was like, okay, this is clearly a fucking dream. | ||
| So you had to see yourself dressed, shirtless, with a bandana on to realize... | ||
| But I realized it's a dream. | ||
| That's how you realized it? | ||
| It was so fucking real and vivid. | ||
| Spin your cradle, brother. | ||
| Imagine just a fucking interview where it's like everything you never wanted to say came out. | ||
| And you handled everything wrong, and I went, okay. | ||
| So I wake up, I'm freaked out, and I'm like, okay, that's how not to do that. | ||
| I just problem solved the day. | ||
| I'm not concerned, because I know what not to say, because I know how that goes. | ||
| Now I know what to say. | ||
| So then, like, the next night, and mind you, every night my wife's telling me, you've got to stop taking these fucking alpha brains, because I'm on fire. | ||
| I'm like, 10 o'clock at night, and I'm still talking about these ideas. | ||
| Like, I'm fucking, they really woke me up. | ||
| I go to bed the next night. | ||
| I'm in the middle of a dream. | ||
| I'm doing a photoshoot in the dream on Wilshire. | ||
| And I go, what the fuck am I doing on Wilshire doing a photoshoot? | ||
| This is a dream. | ||
| I can do anything I fucking want right now. | ||
| And I literally say to everyone, I go, guys, I'm going to wrap. | ||
| There's a dream. | ||
| And they go, huh? | ||
| And I walk out. | ||
| And I fly up La Cienega, right? | ||
| Fly. | ||
| Fly. | ||
| I just go, fuck it. | ||
| I can fly. | ||
| And I start flying. | ||
| And I go, this is fucking awesome. | ||
| Now, mind you, it's also a dream. | ||
| So I got lost in the hills. | ||
| So I'm just like, fuck it. | ||
| Where the fuck am I? Like, none of this is real, so I don't know where the fuck I am. | ||
| And I end up at my buddy Lorenzo's house, and I was like, I want to see my girls. | ||
| Let's go to my house. | ||
| And he's like, okay. | ||
| And then, you know, in dreams, and they just transform to other things. | ||
| But every one of my dreams has been more insane, and the fact that you can interact inside them fucking flips me out to the point where I was like... | ||
| I've got to hop off them because I need some rest. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Because I'm going into dreams fucking problem solving shit. | |
| The shit going on in your brain that you dream about that night, I'm going in with the ability to work on in my sleep. | ||
| I fucking love these things. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| John Moore, one of my good friends who was one of the writers to the Sheen Roast, he had heard about some of my dreams. | ||
| He said, I've got to get these fucking things. | ||
| And then started tweeting. | ||
| I think he retweeted one of his things. | ||
| But man, these things are fucking awesome. | ||
| That's the biggest effect for me is the dreams. | ||
| The way I say it, it's like a normal lucid dream to me is like a bubble, like a children's bubble. | ||
| It's so fragile. | ||
| By the time you realize you have it in your hand, it's gone. | ||
| Every time I've ever had a lucid dream before... | ||
| I would have them, and then right in the middle of it, I realized I was dreaming, and then boom, I'd wake up. | ||
| But in these, instead of being made out of a bubble, it's made out of a dodgeball. | ||
| That dodgeball skin. | ||
| You just punch it and fucking move it around. | ||
| You just wake up in a dream, and you go, oh, I'm in a dream, and you just keep going in the dream. | ||
| It's very strange. | ||
| Last night, I was testing plywood wakeboards for the CIA in Weeki Wachee, right? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, I was like, totally right. | ||
| I saw this video that was the closest to what I love to dream about, which is flying. | ||
| I think a lot of you all have that dream about flying around, like you were saying. | ||
| There's this thing called body, with these body parachutes. | ||
| Have you seen this video, Joe? | ||
| There's this thing called the Need for Speed Mountain Carving, and it's these guys that have these parachutes attached to their bodies, and they just fly around these mountains, like just flying over trees, and it's crazy. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Look at this shit. | ||
| As soon as I can get it through. | ||
| Is this the guy? | ||
| But they gotta jump up a mountain, right? | ||
| I think what it uses, it uses the air. | ||
| They've done it here in Cal Bassas also. | ||
| I've seen these people with these parachutes. | ||
| It uses the air or the heat of the air or something like that. | ||
| But it's on Vimeo. | ||
| It's called the Need for Speed Mountain Carving. | ||
| Check it out. | ||
| It will freak you the fuck out. | ||
| It's terrifying when you see this shit. | ||
| Oh yeah, I've seen this. | ||
| I saw this. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| This does look really scary, but these guys also die very often. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Do they? | |
| A lot, Brian. | ||
| Like, a lot? | ||
| Like, more than dudes with Rollerblade. | ||
| It seems like it's so close that it just takes one little, small little mistake to fucking die. | ||
| You're talking too loud. | ||
| You get your mouth right on that thing, and it gets way elevated. | ||
| They're like squirrel suits. | ||
| Yeah, but dude, those things are dangerous as fuck. | ||
| They're really dangerous. | ||
| And we did something with someone who was doing a shark diving thing. | ||
| By the way, I'm going shark diving with Rachel Ray in a couple weeks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| What are you trying to die with Rachel Ray? | ||
| We were just in Mexico. | ||
| You keep doing crazy shit with Rachel Ray, man. | ||
| We're in Mexico two days. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| And this is like, don't... | ||
| Never mind. | ||
| Don't repeat this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's not on the internet. | |
| No, no, no. | ||
| I was going to say, just don't let everyone tweet Rachel Ray that I was talking about on your podcast. | ||
| But she's very private. | ||
| But we just stayed up late. | ||
| Too late. | ||
| Got hammered. | ||
| The trolls are in motion. | ||
| Calls down. | ||
| Send up a buffet. | ||
| I never have more fun with someone. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Are you in love with Rachael Ray? | ||
| Not in love. | ||
| If she was a man, I'd have a man crush. | ||
| If she was a dude, she'd be your bestie. | ||
| Oh, if she was my dude? | ||
| Oh, we'd be hanging out in my man cave all the time. | ||
| Wow, that's very strange. | ||
| She was really fun. | ||
| She's a lot of fun. | ||
| She's really cool. | ||
| More grounded than anyone. | ||
| And this is the only reason I say she's grounded. | ||
| Some people ordered some wine to her room. | ||
| And I've been with a lot of, I don't know how rich she is, but I'm assuming she's wealthy. | ||
| I've been around a lot of people, and sometimes when the bill comes and everyone expects them to sign it, they just sign it. | ||
| And she looked at it and was like, who ordered a $350 bottle of wine? | ||
| And then she was like, where is it? | ||
| I'm going to definitely have a glass of that. | ||
| She goes, this isn't a $350 bottle of wine. | ||
| This is at least, at most, a $70 bottle of wine from room service. | ||
| Send someone up to talk to me about a $350 bottle of wine. | ||
| And I was like, man, she's a real motherfucker. | ||
| Like, that shit my wife does. | ||
| So somebody tried to fuck her over. | ||
| They sent extra shit up to her room and she was like, this isn't $350. | ||
| Yeah, not at all. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| Where hotel was this? | ||
| In fucking Mexico. | ||
| Oh, in Mexico. | ||
| They got crafty. | ||
| Yeah, San Miguel de Allende. | ||
| Yeah, dude, what is it like traveling through fucking Mexico right now? | ||
| Oh, I'll tell you, because I had a fucking security detail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Fucking Edgar meets me, peace on his back, right? | ||
| Old school Mexican, just sits at the airport. | ||
| I walk out and he goes, Mr. Kreicher. | ||
| And I was like, yeah. | ||
| And he goes, let's go. | ||
| And that dude followed me everywhere. | ||
| I went to the bar to drink by myself. | ||
| He sat and watched. | ||
| Really? | ||
| He slept outside my room. | ||
| What? | ||
| Right outside my room. | ||
| It's also Rachel's production and they're not going to cut corners on safety. | ||
| What the fuck kind of feeling is that? | ||
| I got a picture of him. | ||
| I'm sure I tweeted it, but fucking real dude followed me everywhere to the point that when we went, I had to go back to the airport. | ||
| It was like an hour drive. | ||
| Hour drive's a little sketchy in Mexico. | ||
| And we drove back. | ||
| He drove with me. | ||
| I check in. | ||
| I check my bag in and I go, alright Edgar. | ||
| I give him like a hundred bucks because he never left my side. | ||
| I go, thank you. | ||
| Gracias. | ||
| He just spoke no English. | ||
| And he goes, um... | ||
| He goes, no, no, no, aquí, aquí. | ||
| I went, no, no, no, I'm just checking in now. | ||
| He goes, aquí, aquí, until airport, or whatever, airplane, whatever, until you get on the airplane, I'm not leaving. | ||
| So he waited, watched me go through security, and then sat there in case I had a problem. | ||
| Guy was fucking awesome, and Rachel had one too, but his was much better looking. | ||
| Hers are better looking? | ||
| This guy was a fucking stud. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Did you get uncomfortable around him? | ||
| No. | ||
| She had him and she had this black dude, too, who was from America that she brought just extra, Eddie. | ||
| Do you think they tag-teamed her? | ||
| No, but I so badly wanted to get drunk with her and go, let's make our security details fight. | ||
| Make them fight? | ||
| Yeah, let's just go to a room and make them fight. | ||
| Night fight out in the back alley. | ||
| Teach us how to pistol whip somebody. | ||
| Something fun. | ||
| In Mexico? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Dude. | ||
| So were you terrified? | ||
| Were you ever able to relax? | ||
| No, I was totally relaxed and I was totally not terrified at all. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, because... | ||
| Even though you thought you needed all the security everywhere? | ||
| The second you have a security guy, you get brave. | ||
| And you're like, I can do whatever the fuck I want. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I was like, Edgar, where do we get some t-shirts? | ||
| He goes, ah, no aside, no aside. | ||
| Here, here, aquí. | ||
| So we just stayed at this bar and drank. | ||
| He just watched me drink the whole fucking night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| And then I kept mixing up quieros and tienes. | ||
| So I wanted to say, do you want a cigar? | ||
| But instead I just looked at him like, do you have a fucking cigar? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, no. | |
| And he was like, no, no, lo siento. | ||
| But it was awesome. | ||
| It was really cool. | ||
| That's a big mistake. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That turns you from a nice guy to a douchebag. | ||
| Yeah, but I realized at the end of the night when I said it again, and I said, do you want to go to bed with me? | ||
| And then I said, you have to go to bed with me. | ||
| It's a joke. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I missed that joke. | ||
| I'm not that good on Mexican material. | ||
| Did you see anything fucked up while you were there at all? | ||
| Any gunfire shit? | ||
| Any cars pulled over the side of the road with tanks or anything crazy? | ||
| No. | ||
| It was really fucking laid back. | ||
| They say if you're in parts of Mexico, it's like really safe. | ||
| It's border towns that are sketchy. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And it's just fucking... | ||
| But being an ignorant American, I just assume that the whole country's fucked. | ||
| It's like, meanwhile, if you came to America and you... | ||
| If you were an alien and you landed in Detroit out of nowhere, this is the first place you landed. | ||
| A straight shot from Alpha Centauri. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shh! | |
| Don't shoot! | ||
| Right to Detroit. | ||
| You would be convinced that the Holocaust has already happened, that there's bears roaming the streets of Detroit. | ||
| They've had bears. | ||
| They've taken photos of bears in residential neighborhoods because no one lives there anymore. | ||
| I mean, it's just the craziest fucking city of all time. | ||
| 50% can't read The literacy rate in Detroit is 47%. | ||
| That was what it was. | ||
| And Michigan has the two top most dangerous cities in it, too. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Both of them are the two top ones. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Flint? | |
| Is Flint one of them? | ||
| I can't remember. | ||
| Flint is one of them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it? | |
| So is Alaska. | ||
| And I think that's just the population, you know, the ratio, the population. | ||
| Right, the percentage of people that get murdered. | ||
| I heard, this is going to sound racist, but I'll say it anyway. | ||
| I heard that the reason Alaska is so dangerous is that... | ||
| There's white people up there? | ||
| No. | ||
| Eskimo is a slur, by the way, up there. | ||
| Did you know that? | ||
| Yeah, someone just told me that. | ||
| You're supposed to say Inuit. | ||
| Inuit, yeah. | ||
| Eskimo is like calling a black guy a nigger. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Hey... | |
| That's what it's like. | ||
| That word totally caught me off guard. | ||
| I was like, no, that's exactly what that's like. | ||
| How ridiculous is that? | ||
| I didn't know because I'm calling everyone Eskimos. | ||
| Whoa, shit. | ||
| I was walking around like a fucking... | ||
| I had been in a time machine and jumped ahead of time from the 50s into the 2000s. | ||
| I was like, look at all these Eskimos. | ||
| That's one of the side effects from Alphabrain. | ||
| You both learned that at the same time. | ||
| Where's all these goddamn Orientals coming from? | ||
| This guy said Orientals once and someone said, hey man, that's a slur. | ||
| And I go, whoa, how could Oriental be a slur? | ||
| It's from the Orient. | ||
| Yeah, you didn't know. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's definitely a slur. | |
| No, that's a big slur. | ||
| That's a huge slur. | ||
| How is it a slur? | ||
| You didn't know that's a slur. | ||
| Because Oriental's an object. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Asian is a race. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But the Orient is a place. | ||
| Yeah, it's a place. | ||
| It's like city or city. | ||
| So being Oriental, an Oriental person, that used to be acceptable. | ||
| Yeah, when you could purchase people to make your railroads. | ||
| No. | ||
| No, I think so, I swear to God. | ||
| Is that it? | ||
| No. | ||
| Yeah, I think they were like, we bought all these Orientals. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, we bought them over here. | ||
| I never thought of it that way. | ||
| Along with these other Oriental objects, like this rug and this... | ||
| Wow, I never thought of it that way. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| I always thought of it as just being a designation or a past, where you're from, you know, what part of the world, like being a European. | ||
| I always thought it was, you know, or being a Westerner. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Being an Oriental. | ||
| I really didn't think that it was an offensive term. | ||
| In Canada, they call Indians, what we would call Native Americans, they just call them natives. | ||
| And I was like, that sounds fucking aggressive. | ||
| That's so aggressive. | ||
| Look at all these fucking natives. | ||
| They're shitting everywhere. | ||
| They're boiling a pot of water. | ||
| The idea is crazy, really, that human beings have only been on this continent for a couple of thousand years. | ||
| And over the last couple hundred. | ||
| I mean, could you imagine taking a look at any other part of the world and take a look at it from 500 years ago, 600 years ago. | ||
| And, you know, there would still be people there. | ||
| 600 years ago here, fucking no horses, man. | ||
| There was no horses. | ||
| Yeah, American Indians didn't have horses. | ||
| They didn't get the horses until the Europeans came over here. | ||
| Dude, they were complete nomads. | ||
| They were running down deer. | ||
| They would do what's called persistence hunting, where they would run down deer until the deer died of exhaustion. | ||
| Oh! | ||
| And they were most of the time too tired to even eat. | ||
| And so the whole village would eat. | ||
| I mean, it would be like close to death. | ||
| They would be close to death to kill this deer. | ||
| Are you shitting me? | ||
| Yeah, it was a common way of hunting back then. | ||
| And then they found the horse when the Europeans came here. | ||
| You see, that was the problem with when the Europeans came here. | ||
| The people who were living here at the time, because of their folklore and their, you know, I believe it's the Incans, they thought that the people on horses were gods. | ||
| They thought this is a god, like someone riding an animal. | ||
| Like they had never seen that before, ever. | ||
| It is bizarre because you and Callan, this is a fucking, now I'm doing a podcast fanagy, but you and Callan had talked about that one time and I had been obsessed with the concepts that we have dominion over these fucking animals that are so much bigger than us. | ||
| You would think if you're a fucking Native American Indian and you see this Spaniard with the mustache and the steel hat that goes up like this carrying buckets of gold on a stallion. | ||
| It's impressive. | ||
| Well, what's going on is that the whole rest of the world was doing agriculture. | ||
| But in North America, people were hunting and gathering. | ||
| It was a completely different group of humans. | ||
| It was all the people that came down from the Bering Strait from Siberia. | ||
| That's who the humans were. | ||
| That's all the American Indians were. | ||
| They figured that out because some guy was convinced that the Mormon books were true and that Joseph Smith had told the truth. | ||
| Joseph Smith had said that what the American Indians were were the lost tribe of Jesus. | ||
| And that they had come to America with the last words of Jesus and they were written on these golden scrolls and only he can read them all the shit. | ||
| And so this guy, in trying to prove that it was true, actually did like a DNA test on Native Americans. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| And found out that they're Asian. | ||
| That they come from Siberia. | ||
| Oriental, you mean. | ||
| They come from the connection. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oriental. | |
| Wait, so wait. | ||
| So those people just walked, man, and they had the same culture for thousands of years because when they got here, there was no civilization here before because the entire fucking continent was covered in ice. | ||
| We can't even wrap our head around that. | ||
| For thousands and thousands of years, there was nothing here. | ||
| There was just melted ice and a few fucking weird Inuit-type people wandering around killing things with bows and arrows. | ||
| Pretty nuts, man. | ||
| You said something that I'm going to... | ||
| Hopefully this will make sense. | ||
| So the Indians did not know how to bring the corn closer to their house. | ||
| They just were like, well, the corn's over there. | ||
| Well, I don't know about that. | ||
| But there was no agriculture. | ||
| Well, when they first came down, there certainly wasn't. | ||
| But I don't know whether or not Indians established their own agriculture. | ||
| Didn't they supposedly... | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Was it... | ||
| Tobacco. | ||
| They taught us how to make fucking tobacco. | ||
| But it was the idea that the Americans, or rather the original settlers, taught the American Indians, the Native Americans, how to plant their corn. | ||
| Wasn't that? | ||
| I wouldn't think so. | ||
| They could have known. | ||
| Here's the only reason I agree or I hear that and I go, oh. | ||
| We should fucking know. | ||
| Yeah, we should know. | ||
| No, no, don't know. | ||
| Let's not know. | ||
| That's something we should know. | ||
| Like, Charlie Brown probably taught us that. | ||
| I got drunk with this old politician guy a while ago, and he was very racist, older, like, from the South. | ||
| And he was slamming, like, fucking the people of the native people of South America. | ||
| He was like, these motherfuckers couldn't even use a wheel. | ||
| It's true. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I was like, whoa. | ||
| And I was like, shut up. | ||
| And I just thought he was just being racist and it was fun to listen to. | ||
| But apparently it was true. | ||
| When the Spaniards came over, they were like, that toy you gave your children, we use it to move fucking hall shit. | ||
| I was like, fuck. | ||
| Well, you know what's even more incredible? | ||
| What? | ||
| This was all post when they had built those pyramids. | ||
| So all this, you know, that's thousands of years ago. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So they built the pyramids and not used a fucking wheel? | ||
| Oh yeah. | ||
| Well, we don't have a goddamn clue as how they built Chichen Itza or any of those places. | ||
| But they built them essentially without any horses. | ||
| Without any machines. | ||
| These fucking people built these incredible stone structures in the jungle. | ||
| I don't know how the fuck they did it. | ||
| They obviously did figure out how to do it. | ||
| That's a fucking reality show. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| Can you make a pyramid? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Without using horses. | |
| Without using horses. | ||
| No horses allowed. | ||
| If we catch you bringing in a horse on the plane, you're off the show. | ||
| You listened to the podcast that we had with Graham Hancock. | ||
| Did you listen to that one? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's on the money. | ||
| I think he's dead on the money. | ||
| I think that there was a whole other advanced civilization a long time ago, and they got wiped the fuck out. | ||
| Oh, I thought you were talking about aliens. | ||
| Well, I don't think he had a really specific opinion of aliens. | ||
| No, but that night, right after I saw that, I saw a thing on... | ||
| I think it was on History Channel about... | ||
| 18 aliens? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| About the... | ||
| Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| And they were talking about how the fucking aliens, it's all the aliens. | ||
| And I was like... | ||
| And then I think I mixed the two. | ||
| And then I mixed them up in the... | ||
| And the guy with the British accent. | ||
| Giorgio Tsoukalos is the guy who was... | ||
| No, Graham Hancock is the guy with the British accent. | ||
| Giorgio Tsoukalos is the guy who was from Ancient Aliens. | ||
| We had him on the podcast, too. | ||
| Great hair, that guy. | ||
| He's an interesting cat. | ||
| He believes everything is aliens. | ||
| How long until you're tired of talking to people? | ||
| I don't have a problem with it. | ||
| But when are you going to tap out and be like, I think I've talked to everyone I want to talk to. | ||
| Well, never because I'm talking to you again. | ||
| I know, but I get like two more visits and you're going to be like, I get it. | ||
| You're crazy, dude. | ||
| Duncan says that every time he comes over. | ||
| Man, I don't know if I have anything to talk about, man. | ||
| I go, don't worry about it, dude. | ||
| Let's just fucking riff. | ||
| Come on, let's talk. | ||
| Look, you're not going to stop thinking, man. | ||
| You're not going to stop. | ||
| You're not going to stop experiencing life. | ||
| You're not going to stop having revelations. | ||
| You're not going to stop having stories. | ||
| You know what's crazy is you've had training in doing podcasts before we even started this podcast because I don't know how many times after a show or something we would all go eat. | ||
| It's always going to go eat with everybody that we're hanging around with and we would sit there for hours and do the same thing as a podcast but without fucking recording it, you know? | ||
| Oh, dude. | ||
| We had some classic conversations. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| With you and me and Eddie Bravo and, you know, every comedian, Ari and Joey Diaz and... | ||
| Let me tell you the best thing about this podcast is what I call... | ||
| You waiting for a fucking falcon to land on your arm? | ||
| Dude. | ||
| By the way, if you want to make your own falcon wrist thing, just use pineapple. | ||
| I have been making falcon wrist pineapples. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I saw that. | |
| Because we've been juicing and you've been juicing too. | ||
| I've been juicing ridiculously. | ||
| We just got a juicer. | ||
| Say what you were going to say. | ||
| What were you going to say? | ||
| I fucking got obsessed with Eddie Bravo one night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Just obsessed. | ||
| Why? | ||
| Through a window? | ||
| Well, no. | ||
| You guys were talking about him creating a move and then some guy used that move for the first time. | ||
| Oh, it was when a guy caught the first twister in the UFC. Right. | ||
| He didn't really create the move. | ||
| He just invented a whole lot of setups for it and became a master at it and really good at teaching it. | ||
| Right, and then I started following him on Twitter, and then I was like, he just is so much more diverse of a human being than, anyway, I start researching him, and I'm like, whoa, he's got 10th Planet, he does his own jiu-jitsu, he teaches jiu-jitsu, he's written books about it, he's in a band, I go, wow, he seems a lot more diverse than the majority of people out there, so then I just start reading all his Wikipedia, watching all his videos, and then I'm like, okay, this is getting borderline gay, I'm I go, there's no way Eddie Bravo is fucking watching my shit. | ||
| He's an interesting dude. | ||
| I never met a guy like Eddie Bravo. | ||
| Fascinating guy. | ||
| He's the guy who got me to smoke weed. | ||
| That's what I was like. | ||
| I was like, how did that... | ||
| Doug Benson didn't smoke weed until he was like 30 also. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Look, man, if you don't know, and one of the reasons why a lot of people don't like pot is because they're not smoking pot. | ||
| One of the reasons why they're worried about other people doing it is because they're scared they're going to like it themselves. | ||
| Well, they're scared about doing it. | ||
| It's like the same thing about doing coke. | ||
| You're scared about being a loser. | ||
| That's what you're scared about. | ||
| You're not scared. | ||
| I'm telling you, it's not going to make you a goddamn loser. | ||
| I thought it did. | ||
| And a lot of you do, too. | ||
| It's a trick. | ||
| You've been fooled. | ||
| It's a very fabulous tool for the mind. | ||
| And in 45 days, we are all going to get rid of our local pot shops because Obama is destroying us all and we're all going to die. | ||
| Wait, are you shitting me? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love the way he phrases it so eloquently. | |
| Like a gay woman. | ||
| Because Obama is destroying us all and we're all going to die. | ||
| That's not a gay woman, that's a gay man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Anyone on newsroom saw his hands flap out like a slipper. | |
| Obama is destroying us all and we're all going to die. | ||
| It's not how you said that. | ||
| You could not have said that again. | ||
| That was Nancy Gracie. | ||
| That was such a way to... | ||
| Did you hear Nancy Grace farted on the air? | ||
| No, that's not real. | ||
| It is real. | ||
| It was on TMZ. Well, look, fat people fart a lot, man. | ||
| I've seen her nipple and she farted in a month. | ||
| Whatever you're doing, Nancy Grace, now I'm on your team. | ||
| I want to see more. | ||
| I want to see her asshole. | ||
| I want to see fucking everything. | ||
| Alright, Nancy Grace porn. | ||
| Who do you want to see her fuck? | ||
| Black guys, for sure. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| The guy from the Michael Jackson trial, the doctor. | ||
| I want to see him fuck that guy. | ||
| Those two. | ||
| That'd be awesome. | ||
| She wants the forbidden fruit. | ||
| You think so? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Fucking African-American. | ||
| It's a porn guy. | ||
| She's going to do four guys. | ||
| Well, the first one, she's just got to do one guy. | ||
| Just to loosen up. | ||
| Just one hardcore brother. | ||
| Yeah, one hardcore gangster dude with tattoos on his face. | ||
| And then I'd love to see Fox Morning run a train on her. | ||
| Just fucking with this other chick. | ||
| Fox Morning News threw Hank Williams under the bus. | ||
| I want Dallas Rain to rain on her back. | ||
| You know what I'm talking about? | ||
| Isn't he a local guy? | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's a local weatherman, but his name's Dallas Rain and he's a weatherman. | |
| Well, that's better than Brent Cummings, the guy who they found a dead guy next to him naked in a bathtub with no water. | ||
| His name was Cummings. | ||
| They found a dead guy next to him. | ||
| You don't know this? | ||
| And it was another fucking weather guy. | ||
| Fred Rogan did it. | ||
| A weather guy in Arkansas. | ||
| Or no, Oklahoma. | ||
| I think. | ||
| One of those. | ||
| Either Arkansas or Oklahoma. | ||
| And he was one of these guys with the crazy fake weather voice. | ||
| We've got a high pressure system coming in for the East. | ||
| Those guys that they... | ||
| You know how some radio DJs do the same thing? | ||
| They just put on this fucking fake voice. | ||
| You're like, who are you? | ||
| Because when I'm on the air, we're on the air. | ||
| And we're back. | ||
| Last podcast. | ||
| Making it all rolling. | ||
| So tell me, Bert Kreischer, stand-up comic since 1999. What got you started? | ||
| We've got with us Bert Kreischer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| So wait, let's get back to who's they and was he asleep? | ||
| Did he not know there was a dead guy next to him? | ||
| He was at a guy's house. | ||
| And they were all partying and snorting drugs. | ||
| This is the story. | ||
| And the dude wakes up in the middle of the night because he hears snoring. | ||
| Just ridiculous snoring. | ||
| Goes downstairs, opens up the bathroom. | ||
| There's a dead guy in the bathtub with a dog collar on next to a snoring weatherman. | ||
| And they're both naked. | ||
| And there's no water in the bathtub. | ||
| That's the weirdest part! | ||
| It's awesome! | ||
| You gotta know that somewhere out there there's someone that's fucking up way harder than you. | ||
| It's a perspective enhancer, man. | ||
| Maybe the water just all emptied into their assholes. | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| No, probably not. | ||
| Wait, what's the first words out of your mouth? | ||
| You're woken up, there's a dead guy with a dog collar on you, and you're in a bathtub. | ||
| First words out of your mouth. | ||
| Hey, shh, don't wake him up. | ||
| He's sound asleep. | ||
| No, the dude's face was purple. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| He's totally dead? | ||
| He was dead. | ||
| He was asphyxiated and probably choked on his own vomit. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Overdosed. | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| So what's your alibi? | ||
| You don't say anything. | ||
| You say, I guess somebody doesn't know how to fucking party. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I guess someone doesn't know how to fucking party. | |
| Party! | ||
| That's how you know. | ||
| Nobody could ever say shit to that dude. | ||
| I mean, I know you're the king of partying. | ||
| So much so that they made that Van Wilder movie. | ||
| That movie is based on you. | ||
| And this is a true story. | ||
| A lot of people don't know this. | ||
| You know, that sounds like horseshit. | ||
| But they made a fucking movie based on you being such a party animal. | ||
| But you can't fuck with that guy. | ||
| If he wants to talk, who parties harder? | ||
| Bitch, I party so hard with people, they die sometimes. | ||
| Naked, next to me in a bathtub with a dog collar. | ||
| That's how you know you're partying hard. | ||
| A dude you're partying with winds up naked with a dog collar on, dead. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You know how hard it would be to get your white people out for drinks after that? | |
| And meanwhile, a homeboy just fell asleep. | ||
| Didn't even bother him. | ||
| You know, this fucking dude's dead. | ||
| Someone's dying next to him. | ||
| And he's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
He's snoring so loud, he wakes the fucking dude up. | |
| They wake him up and he's like... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Can you imagine, man? | |
| Can you imagine you're here snoring? | ||
| Who the fuck is snoring, man? | ||
| This fucking party's been over for two hours! | ||
| Who's in my house, goddammit? | ||
| You come wandering downstairs and that's what you find? | ||
| A dead guy with a dog collar on. | ||
| Oh, that would fucking fool it me out. | ||
| I wonder what they were snorting. | ||
| Probably Oxycontins. | ||
| Oxycontins apparently are all the rage. | ||
| That's what they're having a real problem with with kids. | ||
| I did it recently. | ||
| Did you really? | ||
| Yeah, first time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why? | |
| You fucking retard. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why not? | |
| Because people die. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's the deal with that? | |
| Because you're going to pass out backwards and fall asleep on your legs and go... | ||
| Brian's trying to go the other way. | ||
| I took two hits just to try it out. | ||
| Jesus Christ! | ||
| You took two? | ||
| And it was very crack-addic-y. | ||
| You take aluminum foil and you put the pill on top of it, and you light it from underneath so it kind of melts, and then you take a straw and you kind of do it like you're inhaling the fumes that it burns from the- It's called Chasing the Dragon, Brian. | ||
| Huh? | ||
| It's called Chasing the Dragon. | ||
| Chasing the Dragon is what he's doing. | ||
| They do it with heroin, too. | ||
| Why don't you just swallow the pill? | ||
| Because I think you can get more out of it. | ||
| I think it hits you faster, I think, maybe. | ||
| I'm sure it hits you faster, for sure. | ||
| That's how gross people who are addicted are. | ||
| You can't even wait until the pill digests and starts to work in your body. | ||
| You have to smoke it. | ||
| It didn't... | ||
| I could feel it a little, but honestly, it was more like, I think, if I took NyQuil, it would have been better. | ||
| Or something like that. | ||
| To me, it felt gross. | ||
| I have a good feeling when I do some drugs, I'm just like, you know what, that's just a stupid-ass drug. | ||
| And that was totally one of those stupid-ass drugs. | ||
| Dude, there was a crazy story that I ran across yesterday, and I put it on the Rogan board, and apparently it's been going around for a while. | ||
| There's a dude on Vice TV, and he interviewed this chick, and she's on YouTube. | ||
| She calls herself Neurosoup. | ||
| Have you ever heard of this girl? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| She's the one who had a video about putting DMT up her ass, and how long the trip went. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| What comedy trooper is she in? | ||
| She's not in a comedy troupe at all. | ||
| Neuro Soup is her YouTube video. | ||
| That's her YouTube name. | ||
| So anyway, this dude, Hamilton Morris, is the head psychedelic guy over at Vice.com. | ||
| You know, Vice.tv or VBS.tv, the Vice Guide to Liberia. | ||
| You know, those crazy travel guides. | ||
| Have you ever watched those? | ||
| No. | ||
| Dude, you are missing out on a huge chunk of crazy. | ||
| Seriously. | ||
| These guys are fucking badass, man. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, they go everywhere, man. | ||
| They go to Thailand and pick up ladyboys and shit. | ||
| They go to Liberia and they go to whorehouses in Liberia where it's like a dollar. | ||
| Where sex is like a dollar and there's no windows to the place. | ||
| They're like cement huts. | ||
| Who are these guys? | ||
| Dude, they're badasses. | ||
| And this guy, Hamilton Morris, is the psychedelic guy. | ||
| And he writes all these articles about psychedelica and he interviews people. | ||
| And he interviewed this chick and this neurosoup girl. | ||
| And this neurosoup girl, her name was Crystal. | ||
| She was... | ||
| Living with this guy, she was a stripper, a goth stripper in Kansas, and she was living with this guy who was like the number one LSD and MDMA dealer in the area. | ||
| And this guy had a missile silo. | ||
| He bought a missile silo. | ||
| Yeah, and he got into some underground nuclear bunker type situation. | ||
| This fucking place was radical. | ||
| It's incredible. | ||
| There's all these photos of it online. | ||
| If you're looking for it, go to vice.com. | ||
| It's Hamilton's Pharmacopeia Getting High on Crystal. | ||
| Just look for Getting High on Crystal. | ||
| K-R-Y-S-T-L-E. Look for that online. | ||
| And follow her on Twitter. | ||
| Yeah, whatever. | ||
| So anyway, this girl, she hooks up with this dude and she stops stripping and becomes this crazy psychedelic head. | ||
| Like she's doing everything under the fucking sun every day of the week. | ||
| She's just one day she's doing acid, the next day she's doing DMT. And these guys had DMT hooked up to IVs. | ||
| They took them to IVs where they were doing liquid DMT, and they were regulating it on the IV, so they were surfing the DMT dimension. | ||
| They were constantly getting it brought into their body. | ||
| And who knows what the fuck they did to their heads, but one of the guys started going crazy, her boyfriend. | ||
| And when her boyfriend decided that his partner was doing bad things or was going to fuck him over or was going to get him arrested, so he goes to the DEA. These fucking guys have a... | ||
| Missile silo, where they're dripping DMT into their veins, and homeboy did so much, he brought himself to the DEA. So he turns his buddy in to the DEA. And then, you know, the dude who's the chemist winds up doing, like, two life terms or something like that. | ||
| You know, he's fucked. | ||
| And they give him immunity. | ||
| They give him immunity. | ||
| So this is how our DEA runs. | ||
| This fucking guy. | ||
| Yeah, this guy who has probably just completely cooked his fucking brain. | ||
| So he winds up traveling for free. | ||
| I mean, he's a free man. | ||
| He doesn't have to worry about it. | ||
| He's not running from the cops. | ||
| He winds up traveling the whole country while his buddy is doing two life terms with this girl. | ||
| And all over the place, they're just doing insane drugs everywhere. | ||
| At every stop along the way. | ||
| Until they get back, and she's trying to get away from him. | ||
| She hooks up with another dude, and the other dude is telling her, like, hey, you know, we gotta turn this guy in. | ||
| Like, he's crazy, he's gonna kill us. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So they go to the DEA, and the DEA tells the guy! | |
| Hey, your fucking girlfriend and her new boyfriend just came and visited us. | ||
| And they told us everything, you fucking dummy. | ||
| You better deal with that. | ||
| So this fucking crazy man, this crazy dealer guy, the original guy, he takes them and locks them in a hotel room and dopes them and ties this dude up to a chair and administers drugs into his dick and his balls with injections. | ||
| And he did it for a week. | ||
| It is the craziest story of just excess and chaos and just complete insanity. | ||
| Just chemical-induced complete insanity. | ||
| It sounded like Homeboy was probably crazy to begin with, back when he was selling drugs out of a missile silo. | ||
| But at the end, he was Gonsville. | ||
| At the end, it was Gonsville. | ||
| I'm sure this is going to make it sound like I'm so lost in this story. | ||
| How did you hear about this? | ||
| Is this on Vice? | ||
| On drugpenis.com. | ||
| I'll just let that sit. | ||
| There's a message board all about inserting drugs into your penis. | ||
| This is the top story. | ||
| Somebody sent it to me on Twitter, I think. | ||
| I'm pretty sure. | ||
| But where can I see this? | ||
| Like I said, it's on vice.com. | ||
| I'm going to vice.com. | ||
| I'm going to vice.com. | ||
| Is this like a 100% accurate story and everything? | ||
| Because this seems so ridiculous. | ||
| It's all documented. | ||
| That's so crazy. | ||
| I looked the whole thing up. | ||
| It's a huge article. | ||
| If you read the article online, it is... | ||
| Let me go to it. | ||
| I think it's like 10 pages. | ||
| It's a really big and very deep, seven pages, a very detailed article. | ||
| But it all happened, man. | ||
| It's a pretty famous story. | ||
| Isn't it weird, though, when you hear things like this and you're like, nowadays, you're like, this has to be fake. | ||
| Like, even when Steve Jobs died. | ||
| I don't know what you're talking about, because this doesn't seem fake at all to me. | ||
| That doesn't sound that fake, actually. | ||
| If somebody kidnaps somebody and inserts fucking drugs into their penis and ass for a week, that's crazy. | ||
| Yeah, but consider who you're talking about. | ||
| The guy that did it is a guy that had already turned on somebody, and so he'd had those nights of him on drugs thinking, man, if I got fucking turned on, I'd go fucking crazy. | ||
| And then they come to him and tell him that his wife's not only fucking some other dude, but he turned him on also? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| That's not too far out of the spectrum. | ||
| It's just weird that some of these stories nowadays, it just seems so far-fetched and amazing. | ||
| Yeah, but this isn't far-fetched at all. | ||
| I know what you're saying, but this to me seems pretty normal. | ||
| When people start selling drugs, this guy was dealing kilos of crystalline MDMA. He was just traveling across the country selling MDMA, and they were doing it constantly. | ||
| Put that in perspective. | ||
| For someone that's never done DMT. MDMA. Oh, okay. | ||
| Kilos. | ||
| Yeah, MDMA is ecstasy for folks who don't know. | ||
| It's the pure stuff. | ||
| I mean, that's what I heard. | ||
| And what it is, it's incredible. | ||
| It feels awesome, but god damn, it takes a toll on your brain. | ||
| Woo, the next day, I've never felt dumber. | ||
| And I've heard that if you get really good stuff, it doesn't do that, but I call horseshit. | ||
| It doesn't. | ||
| There was a guy in college who used to do a lot of ecstasy. | ||
| I wish I could remember this kid's name. | ||
| Everyone that went to college with me will know exactly who I'm talking about. | ||
| A little short kid with blonde hair that looked like a surfer. | ||
| He looked like Mark Acalupo, the surfer. | ||
| And then towards the end of college, he used to have this saying for cigarettes, Baradariums. | ||
| What? | ||
| Baradariums. | ||
| He called cigarettes baradariums? | ||
| Yeah, but then we just realized he was so fucked up that he was trying to say, hand me, there was like a French cigarette, but that was what he smoked, but he just came out of his mouth, baradariums, and his eyes started going on him, and man, I'd die to see what that kid looks like now. | ||
| I wish people that were really fucked up would go on Facebook. | ||
| That ecstasy really has taken a lot of people's brains. | ||
| I've met many people that I know do a lot of ecstasy and they wind up completely falling apart. | ||
| It's so bad for you. | ||
| I mean, I would venture to say that as a father of two, I will make the coverall statement to my children. | ||
| All drugs are bad for you. | ||
| Don't do any of them. | ||
| Because it would be nice to get to a Dane Cook place in life where you've never done fucking anything. | ||
| What are you even talking about? | ||
| No, no, but I mean just to be like, to be just sitting in bed and going, oh, I don't have to worry about fucking inhaling fucking Glade as a child and wondering what that did to my lungs or, you know, like cocaine or acid or ecstasy. | ||
| Like when I'm having a panic attack in the middle of the night and I'm like, great, I did this to myself. | ||
| Sometimes I feel that way and I go, if I had never done anything, would any of this shit be around? | ||
| You know, I would love to tell my kids that, you know, be healthy. | ||
| I'm sure you tell your kids the same thing. | ||
| Yeah, and most certainly, but I just want to be real clear with them about what is legal, or rather, what is dangerous, and what is not, and what's simply illegal. | ||
| There's some reasons why things are illegal that don't make any sense at all, and it's a good lesson. | ||
| It's a good lesson that the world is not structured correctly, and you have to know that, and always mind your P's and Q's, and everything is not as it seems to be, because the system that we're operating under is fucking crazy. | ||
| It's ridiculously flawed. | ||
| And so I would make sure that before I got into anything, I would let them know that. | ||
| So don't always believe what you hear. | ||
| And then here's what's dangerous. | ||
| Here's what's addictive. | ||
| Here's what's going to get you locked up in jail. | ||
| Here's what's actually legal. | ||
| Here's what's legal and safe. | ||
| Here's what's legal and not so safe. | ||
| And by the way, don't do anything by yourself. | ||
| Make sure you know what the fuck you're doing. | ||
| Do it with people that you trust. | ||
| And only hang around people that you trust. | ||
| I find that people that hang around people that they don't trust, it's really because they didn't have good relationships with their parents. | ||
| I'm going to try to have the best possible relationship as a friend with my kids as possible. | ||
| So that they never feel like they can't talk to me about something. | ||
| And I'm going to talk to them about every step along the way of their life. | ||
| And I think that's what you're supposed to do. | ||
| The idea of drugs scare the shit out of me, man. | ||
| The idea of meth or something like that. | ||
| Those are the drugs I'm scared about, like Oxycontin, meth, coke, even coke. | ||
| I don't want my daughters to get around that shit. | ||
| All that stuff. | ||
| I mean, mushrooms even, to a point. | ||
| Like, I've had friends. | ||
| I'm sure I've said this a million times, but I've done mushrooms, and I've always had great experiences, except at night when I see the shadow people. | ||
| But I probably won't do them again as an adult, because I think I've done all the exploring I want to do. | ||
| I tried to do them one night. | ||
| We were doing a Jameson tour. | ||
| It was me and a bunch of comics. | ||
| We had mushrooms and I think we each took a couple caps. | ||
| I went on stage. | ||
| I think I told you this. | ||
| Then I fucking lost my shit on stage. | ||
| You were on mushrooms on stage? | ||
| Yeah, at the Dallas Improv. | ||
| All I could see was the candles in the back going, And I'm like, oh, fuck. | ||
| And then I started thinking, I can't get off the grid. | ||
| Like, I am responsible for people right now. | ||
| Like, I am the fucking... | ||
| And I'm not the kind of brain that can just dip into it and dip out of it. | ||
| Like, I'm responsible for humans. | ||
| Like, what if I fuck up? | ||
| What if I fucked up tonight? | ||
| And then I just was... | ||
| I was cool. | ||
| I fucking turned it around and it was fine. | ||
| And I had a great night. | ||
|
unidentified
|
But... | |
| That's not the horror story, but... | ||
| That's a real moment. | ||
| That thought as a father, that's where things get really strange. | ||
| You think of these little helpless children that are looking out for you. | ||
| The only one is not for me to have a fun party night at a piano bar somewhere in Dallas, but for me to like... | ||
| Just read me a book. | ||
| That's all we want. | ||
| And then that grounds you and you're like, alright, that's where I'm at right now in life. | ||
| I just need to get through tonight, drink myself out of this, and fucking get to the other side. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Drink myself out of this. | ||
| I've done that so many times. | ||
| That's the move? | ||
| I'll do that in Amsterdam in a couple weeks. | ||
| Just drink yourself in the darkness. | ||
| Fucking yeah. | ||
| Black yourself out. | ||
| Riders on the storm. | ||
| What would you say your percentage of alcohol intake is versus marijuana intake? | ||
| That's a big gap. | ||
| Way, way, way more weed. | ||
| Like, give me a percentage. | ||
| Do you drink every day? | ||
| No. | ||
| Like, with dinner, do you have a glass of wine or anything? | ||
| I sometimes do, but not every day, no. | ||
| I find myself not... | ||
| I've been drinking a lot more lately, but it's been like, no, I'll have wine with dinner, or I'll have a drink, but not drinking all night long. | ||
| Right, right, right. | ||
| Well, that's certainly not good for you, but they've done studies that have said whether or not this is true. | ||
| They've said that having a couple glasses of wine a day is actually good for you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I've heard of drinking beer every day or drinking a glass of whiskey. | ||
| Really? | ||
| That's good for you, yeah. | ||
| Well, I would think what it would do for you as far as relaxing you, and I think, you know what's good? | ||
| It's good to enjoy your time. | ||
| It's obviously not good to take a poison into your body, but if that poison, that alcohol poison, if it's easily processed, which alcohol basically is, especially like one beer, For the average liver, it's no big deal. | ||
| Why did you look at me when you said the average liver? | ||
| You too. | ||
| How about I look at both of you? | ||
| It's just accidental. | ||
| It's not much work for it. | ||
| One beer can be processed pretty easily. | ||
| But when you start getting into high numbers, and then it gets toxic, and then you're dealing with, you know, you're poisoning your fucking body. | ||
| When you wake up from a hangover, that's not an accident. | ||
| You're hurt. | ||
| Although it feels like sometimes you're like, I didn't mean for that to happen. | ||
| You hurt yourself with the booze. | ||
| But you can have a little and not do that. | ||
| That doesn't have to happen. | ||
| You just got to know what the fuck your limits are, man. | ||
| Drink a lot of water, too. | ||
| Someone told me they were like, you should put ice in your beer. | ||
| I used to do beer, water, beer, water, or drink, water, drink, water, drink. | ||
| That was what I had to do when I go out. | ||
| Respect the fuck out of someone who can hold their booze. | ||
| Oh, thank you. | ||
| I can hold my booze. | ||
| You can hold your booze. | ||
| We calculated the last time you were here. | ||
| You drank nine beers over the course of two hours. | ||
| That was nothing. | ||
| Here's the problem. | ||
| Here's where it gets tricky. | ||
| Also, you can't ever tell if I'm drunk. | ||
| No one can tell if I'm drunk. | ||
| Like maybe you can, I don't know. | ||
| That's great. | ||
| But like my wife will be in the middle of a fight and all of a sudden she'll be like, hold on, are you fucking drunk? | ||
| And I'll be like, yeah. | ||
| She'll be like, you've been fucking drunk, you don't mean any of this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I'm like, well, you're still retribution, whatever. | |
| That's what beards are for, I think. | ||
| It just confuses people. | ||
| When they look at you, they just see beards and stuff, so they don't think you're drunk. | ||
| But look at you, they go, what's that lesbian doing with a beard? | ||
| That's the confusing part. | ||
| On the flip side, though, people also think I'm drunk when I'm not. | ||
| Oh, right. | ||
| Whenever I'm on stage, I'll bring a beer on stage with me, and I'll be like, first beer of the night, and everyone's like, whatever. | ||
| I was like, no, okay, I guess. | ||
| Maybe it's just being fat, and they're like, he's been drunk all day. | ||
| Well, they think you're just telling a joke, too, instead of a declaration, which isn't funny. | ||
| If you had had 30 already, then it would be kind of cute. | ||
| First beer. | ||
| Yeah, I never come off drunk. | ||
| People always think I'm high. | ||
| Always. | ||
| When I'm not, yeah. | ||
| Yeah, like UFC. They're like, dude, Rogan's blazed tonight. | ||
| No, never. | ||
| Never do the UFC high. | ||
| Ever. | ||
| How was the UFC in Houston? | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Fucking awesome. | ||
| What? | ||
| Some serious fights, man. | ||
| Frankie Edgar and Gray Maynard. | ||
| Did you see it? | ||
| No. | ||
| No, but I tweeted that you said it was going to be fucking sick. | ||
| It was the nuttiest rematch ever. | ||
| The first fight, Gray Maynard won the first fight by decision, but the second fight was a draw, and it was a crazy draw because Gray Maynard had Frankie Edgar badly, badly hurt in the first round. | ||
| And Gray Maynard's a big guy. | ||
| Frankie Edgar is one of the rare guys that fights at his weight class, so he is 155 pounds. | ||
| That's really what he weighs. | ||
| And he's fighting Gray Maynard, who's a really thick guy. | ||
| He probably is 20 pounds heavier than that and diets down, you know, cuts his weight and cuts his water weight and everything. | ||
| But he's, like, yoked. | ||
| He's way bigger. | ||
| He looks like he's a dangerous dude. | ||
| And he's a power puncher. | ||
| And he hurt Frankie Edgar really bad in the first round of their second fight. | ||
| Like, really bad. | ||
| Knocked him down, like, three times. | ||
| Looked at it. | ||
| The fight was over on several occasions. | ||
| But somehow or another, Frankie Edgar rebounded. | ||
| They came back and won the second round. | ||
| It was chaos. | ||
| And then they battled back and forth to the bitter end. | ||
| And then it wound up being a draw. | ||
| Well, this is the third fight. | ||
| First round. | ||
| Gray Maynard hurts Frankie Edgar again. | ||
| It's bad. | ||
| Rocks him with an uppercut. | ||
| It looks like he's on the verge of getting stopped. | ||
| Gray Maynard's pressing forward, just blasting him. | ||
| He catches him a couple times. | ||
| Has him badly, badly hurt. | ||
| When he gets back to his corner in the second round, you're like, man, this kid might be fucked. | ||
| Second round, he goes up and just boxes and moves, boxes and moves. | ||
| Third round, same thing. | ||
| Boxes and moves, boxes and moves. | ||
| And then by the third or fourth round, Gray Maynard starts getting desperate. | ||
| He's like, well, I can't hit this fucking kid again. | ||
| And he's charging after him. | ||
| And then they get at it in the fourth round. | ||
| And Frankie Edgar catches him with a punch and rocks him and then puts him away. | ||
| It was chaos. | ||
| Never have I seen a guy get hurt that bad in the first round and then come back to knock the guy out like that in the fourth round. | ||
| The fact that he did it in two fights and he came back from just devastating first rounds. | ||
| Those first rounds take a lot. | ||
| You get beaten up like that. | ||
| It takes so much out of you. | ||
| And this motherfucker is so tough that he just gutted it out, got through that second round, kept moving, got through the third round, then put it on him in the fourth. | ||
| It was fucking crazy. | ||
| Just a wild fight. | ||
| I mean, the whole place erupted. | ||
| People were standing on their feet. | ||
| It was just a crazy, crazy fight. | ||
| I never find myself being able to relax watching MMA. It's hard. | ||
| I mean, you can't. | ||
| Why would you? | ||
| That's part of the fun. | ||
| And I'm sweating all of a sudden. | ||
| Yeah, it's not relaxing, man. | ||
| It's an active viewing sport. | ||
| But it's addictive as shit. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| It's fucking... | ||
| When you find yourself... | ||
| Okay, this is a bad analogy. | ||
| But when I was a kid, if I watched people kiss on TV, I would start air kissing. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, my dad would be like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ha ha ha! | |
| Would you think about the one day when someday you're going to be able to kiss somebody? | ||
| Yeah, but you did too, right? | ||
| I'm sure I did. | ||
| I used my hand. | ||
| Everything stupid that could have been done, I did. | ||
| But when I watch MMA, I find myself going like, twisting and turning my body. | ||
| Avoiding stuff? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Sometimes I do that. | ||
| If a guy's not tapping, if a guy's got something and someone's got an arm bar or something, I'm like, I'll hold my arm. | ||
| I'll grab my own arm. | ||
| I'm like, tap, tap. | ||
| Come on, dude, tap. | ||
| Like, I've said it before, when guys don't tap, I'm like, come on, man, tap, just tap. | ||
| I want you to tap. | ||
| Yeah, I don't want anybody to break their goddamn arm. | ||
| I don't want to see that fucking bull photo you fucking posted without any fucking warning, Joe. | ||
| Bull photo? | ||
| Jesus! | ||
| What I posted is, it's a lesson that we all know, but some of us need to learn firsthand. | ||
| You fuck with the bull, you get the horns. | ||
| What is it? | ||
| A guy in Spain, a bullfighter, got a gore, he got a horn through his face where it came out of his eyeball. | ||
| It's a new one. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| It's a new one. | ||
| The photo is just fucking amazing. | ||
| I was laying in bed like, alright, I can go to sleep. | ||
| Wait, I'm just going to click on this little link Joe just posted. | ||
| Then I had to go outside and have a cigarette and think about eyeballs for like 10 minutes. | ||
| Yeah, homie lost his eye. | ||
| The horn went through his entire face. | ||
| It's fucking incredible, man. | ||
| That's the problem with animals, man. | ||
| You can't fucking tell them to slow down. | ||
| Well, it's a bull. | ||
| They're fighting bulls. | ||
| It's the dumbest fucking thing ever. | ||
| Well, you don't tell me I got mauled by a bull. | ||
| You did? | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Yeah, I got mauled by a bull. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Of course I did. | ||
| I'm on a travel network. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| What happened? | ||
| No, I got... | ||
| It's online. | ||
| It's online? | ||
| Yeah, it's online. | ||
| On Bird the Conqueror you did this? | ||
| No, on Hurt Burt. | ||
| Hurt Burt? | ||
| What was Hurt Burt? | ||
| Hurt Burt. | ||
| I love you. | ||
| The Hurt Burt was a show I had before Burt the Conqueror is where I take dangerous men's jobs for a day. | ||
| Remember I fought the MMA? I fought the Gracies. | ||
| Oh, that's right. | ||
| I thought that was from Burt the Conqueror for some reason. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| That's from Hurt Burt. | ||
| And one of the days they called me and they're like, hey, you want to be a rodeo clown? | ||
| And I was like, not really. | ||
| And they're like, come on, we're going to Texas. | ||
| It'll be a great fucking trip. | ||
| And then I go thinking I'll learn something and they just tell me Show me how to put the makeup on. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| And then they just put me in the ring and they pull a fucking bull loose. | ||
| You can see it. | ||
| You can see it so quick. | ||
| If you type into YouTube, Hurt Bert Rodeo Clown, it shows up. | ||
| And you just see my ribs get broken. | ||
| I break my foot. | ||
| And then they go, whatever they said, they go, don't go to the wall. | ||
| And then automatically I went right to the fucking wall. | ||
| I was like, how do I get out of here with broken ribs? | ||
| That's awful. | ||
| It's so crazy how crazy your life is, really. | ||
| You're no joke. | ||
| And your documentary is going to go through all this? | ||
| The documentary starts this weekend. | ||
| It starts this weekend in Phoenix at Stand Up Live. | ||
| This is a documentary that you funded with Kickstart, right? | ||
| Funded with kickstarter.com, mainly through this podcast. | ||
| Wow, that's awesome. | ||
| I guarantee every listener, if you are listening, thank you so much for your support. | ||
| I texted you, I think, the other day. | ||
| Everyone's international, and I know that I've never been international, so it's through this podcast. | ||
| That's awesome. | ||
| That's sweet. | ||
| And your shirts are on their way. | ||
| I got shirts. | ||
| I've been wearing them, man. | ||
| To the listeners, your shirts are on their way. | ||
| His poor wife is sitting there at the post office with boxes and boxes of shirts, and she said it takes one minute per shirt, and she has 3,000 shirts. | ||
| So she's sitting at the post office. | ||
| It takes fucking forever. | ||
| And she just has to give up after a few hours because she just can't stand anymore for her poor feet. | ||
| And so then I'm thinking, this is why the post office is going out of business, because she can't even spend money fast enough by shipping shit without it taking a fucking minute a shirt. | ||
| It takes forever. | ||
| And I told her, I was like, I'll do it. | ||
| She's like, no. | ||
| How else could it take any shorter? | ||
| A minute seems pretty reasonable. | ||
| You know what you should be able to do? | ||
| You should be able to drop a box on it and then send it across the country. | ||
| Yeah, but you should be able to drop off all her packages that are already with the address and stuff. | ||
| Drop it off and come back in two days and then we'll give you the bill for it. | ||
| I think Brian, the minute is probably filling out the addresses. | ||
| That's probably what it is. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| They're already filled out and everything. | ||
| It's all about putting a stamp on it. | ||
| It takes forever to weigh in. | ||
| It takes a minute to put a stamp on it? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't listen to her. | ||
| It still seems pretty reasonable. | ||
| Brian listens to my wife a lot more than I do. | ||
| It sucks that she's got a high volume of things she's sending, but imagine if it wasn't for fucking UPS or something like that. | ||
| God, the world would suck. | ||
| Well, she's probably going through to save money. | ||
| She's probably going through the U.S. postal system as opposed to going to FedEx or UPS where it would take off. | ||
| Oh, what I'm saying is the post office, look out, you're about to go out of business very, very soon. | ||
| Brian, that sounds like a threat. | ||
| Don't you think? | ||
| Don't you think that is? | ||
| I think because of the Patriot Act, they could probably arrest you now. | ||
| They probably could. | ||
| But do you see that happening? | ||
| I mean, all my bills now are through my email. | ||
| Even when I go to the fucking bank, it sends my receipt to my email. | ||
| No, but I heard you guys talking about that when I was in the bathroom putting my Rogaine on, and I thought to myself, Yeah, but how else are we going to get the shirts there? | ||
| We need the postal system. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| Like UPS. I can't just email them to them. | ||
| No, it's going to be private third parties that have more sense. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Like, hey, no, you just drop off all your shit and that's all you have to do. | |
| Yeah, UPS is so much infinitely better than the post office. | ||
| A million times better. | ||
| I never go to the post office. | ||
| It totally makes sense, though, if it saves you money. | ||
| Yeah, it should be like that. | ||
| That's unfortunate. | ||
| Needless to say, the shirts are being shipped. | ||
| How many shirts do you have that are being sent out? | ||
| The biggest problem was because everyone, the second you wore one on the podcast, everyone blew up and they're like, I want a fucking machine shirt. | ||
| It's a dope shirt, dude. | ||
| It is a cool shirt. | ||
| I've had people comment on it a bunch of times. | ||
| I wore it to Texas, too. | ||
| I know, I saw that. | ||
| Someone tweeted like, fuck, how do you see you have a machine shirt? | ||
| I was like, well... | ||
| Come on, seriously? | ||
| How the fuck are you asking that question? | ||
| Monkey Todd? | ||
| God bless Monkey Todd. | ||
| Now, you hung out with Monkey Todd and there was photos posted and you were both not wearing shirts. | ||
| Why don't you explain who Monkey Todd is? | ||
| Monkey Todd's a fan of the show. | ||
| He's more your fan than mine. | ||
| Yeah, he actually told Bert this whole story about his life, about getting cancer and all this shit like that. | ||
| I don't know if he wants to talk about that. | ||
| He might not want to talk about that. | ||
| He's been through some shit, and your podcast kind of absolutely helped him. | ||
| I hooked him up with UFC tickets. | ||
| He sat right next to Ari. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He's a really cool guy, really grounded, and I hung out with him for the night. | ||
| We're not in the night. | ||
| We hang out, and he was like, I gotta roll. | ||
| He has the Death Squad cat tattooed on his arm. | ||
| That's how crazy it is. | ||
| He did the Nancy Grace video. | ||
| But every time you post photos, you always have your shirt off. | ||
| Is this something that you do when you're at a party? | ||
| Why don't you explain that Nancy Grace video? | ||
| You just glossed over it real quick. | ||
| Well, we talked about it on the podcast before. | ||
| But for people who are just listening to this one, just what did he do? | ||
| He calls in shows, and one of the shows he called in was TMZ. Nancy Grace was on the show, and he did Who Would You Fuck, Marry, Kill with me, Sam Tripoli, and Jason Tebow. | ||
| It got on the air. | ||
| It got on the air, and the producer or director did not pull it either. | ||
| They let it run, and so Monkey Todd was just continuing, just making it the most uncomfortable video ever. | ||
| He was like, what? | ||
| But he didn't swear. | ||
| He didn't swear. | ||
| And he confused it a lot. | ||
| His method is talking a lot of gibberish. | ||
| So it's like, what the fuck is he talking about? | ||
| And then going, so would you fuck Mary Kill, Red Band, Sam Tripoli, and Jason Tebow? | ||
| And so he did this. | ||
| And what's crazy is that Nancy Grace was like the first time TMZ was like, we're going to have real guests now. | ||
| We're going to start having real guests now. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And that's how they screw it. | ||
| But that's how, if you're gonna go live, man, if you're gonna go live, that's just what you get. | ||
| You're gonna have bababooies once in a while. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I love them. | |
| I love when they make me laugh. | ||
| Dude, it's hilarious when they get someone who's like a witness to something, and they go deep, deep, deep into it, and then they bababooied. | ||
| And you go, oh, you motherfucker. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| On the other side of that, though, and we've had this a million times, is when you're trying to get interviews to get the fuck out of there, and someone's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, Sandy, miss football rules, fuck you! | ||
| And then runs off, and you're like, God damn it, I was so close to wrapping the day. | ||
| Now I've got to do another human being. | ||
| Oh, I had something bad happen. | ||
| I was stuck on the side of a road in Hollywood on Saturday, and I had to pee really bad, but I wasn't anywhere near a bathroom. | ||
| There was a checkpoint going on and stuff like that. | ||
| So I had to pee. | ||
| I found a Mountain Dew bottle that I was peeing in and pouring it out my window. | ||
| I had to fill it up five times because you'd be amazed how much pee actually fits in Mountain Dew bottles. | ||
| And this person walked by my car just jogging, like being healthy. | ||
| And she stepped in my pee and you just see her looking down at the ground going... | ||
| What did I just step on? | ||
| That story is so layered, I don't know where to start with. | ||
| You know what it's like? | ||
| It's like a Stanley Kubrick movie. | ||
| What you're seeing is not what you're seeing. | ||
| It's all about symbolism. | ||
| Symbolism! | ||
| And, you know, what the P represents is Brian's common sense. | ||
| P is Brian's common sense as he's just leaking it out of his body like he can't get it out of his body quick enough. | ||
| There's way too much common sense. | ||
| Watching your eyes when he starts the story and I saw your eyes go... | ||
| He's mad at me. | ||
| Can you tell Joe's mad at me today? | ||
| He's mad at me. | ||
| I'm not mad at you at all. | ||
| I just told you many times not to talk on the microphone like this because it changes the volume of the podcast and so when I brought that up I felt you tense up. | ||
| I'm just telling you. | ||
| Alright, flying dildos. | ||
| Tell me about this. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| This is what you were talking about right before you told your Stanley Cooper story. | ||
| Can we smoke in here? | ||
| Yeah, if you want to, sure. | ||
| So, not that I smoke. | ||
| I don't smoke weed. | ||
| But I was just asking for you guys. | ||
| Do you want me to? | ||
| You want to spark up? | ||
|
unidentified
|
So... | |
| So, I'm going to wait to tell the story until you're available. | ||
| Hey, Bert, you watched the South Park documentary last night, which was one of the most amazing documentaries. | ||
| I'm so glad they played it. | ||
| And one of the coolest things ever was that Trey Parker and Matt Stone were talking about tripping on acid when they had to go to the Academy Awards. | ||
| And Matt Stone dressed up as a woman and was Trey's date during the thing. | ||
| And they played clips on it And it was so weird seeing, because I had seen that interview before, but now seeing Trey Parker on acid, you could totally tell. | ||
| Joe, it's one of the best documentaries I've ever seen. | ||
| It's literally... | ||
| Here, give it back to Joe. | ||
| No, I don't smoke. | ||
| You don't smoke? | ||
| No, I don't. | ||
| I totally defeated myself. | ||
| Will you give this to Joe? | ||
| I've got to fix this camera real quick. | ||
| So, I totally defeated whatever process I'm trying to do. | ||
| So anyway, the South Park documentary is fucking out of this world. | ||
| One of the best documentaries I've ever seen. | ||
| I was thinking that, wouldn't it be awesome if they took... | ||
| Can we get to the flying dildos first? | ||
| Because we might forget. | ||
| Yes, okay, flying dildos. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| So, I called Joe. | ||
| This is what you said. | ||
| You go... | ||
| We were just talking about this and you're like, yeah, you've got so many crazy stories that have happened to you. | ||
| But I never think that. | ||
| I think there are just things in my life, I think it's my ability, the way I see something happen is different than the way everyone else sees it happen. | ||
| I see the little thing that registers in me, I go, oh, that's my thing. | ||
| And it lights up for me where my wife just glazes over it. | ||
| And it's come to light in this podcast more than anything. | ||
| The machine, I mean, I've told that story to fucking a million people, but then when I told it to you, something lit up and I went, oh, that is a good story, right? | ||
| The fucking fighting a bear, the fucking, everything, I'm getting mauled by a bull, Tracy Morgan, everything's lights up. | ||
| So then, I'm talking to you on the phone today, I call you, hey, can you do the podcast? | ||
| I go, yeah, I can do the podcast. | ||
| And you go, I said, I'm on the phone with American Airlines trying to get upgraded. | ||
| You're like, where are you going? | ||
| I said, Amsterdam. | ||
| He said, oh, I've never been there. | ||
| I said, oh, whatever you do, if you ever go there, don't go see Flying Dildos. | ||
| True story, right? | ||
| So I'm fucking like 22. I'm in Amsterdam with like five friends, and of course we do the rounds in Amsterdam and get fucking lit up. | ||
| Heineken factory, hedgehops, I think even maybe mushrooms. | ||
| We walk by this live sex show and it says on the billboard, guy on girl, girl on girl, oral sex, this, this, this, and then the last one is flying dildos. | ||
| Come see flying dildos. | ||
| And so I'm like, fucking, I tell everyone, we're seeing flying dildos. | ||
| I want to see fucking flying dildos. | ||
| That, to me, is a showstopper. | ||
| That is something that I will buy tickets for everyone for. | ||
| So I buy us all tickets. | ||
| We go in to see a live sex show. | ||
| Have you ever seen one? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| It's basically like half a boxing ring. | ||
| So it's like you walk in and it's stadium seating and then half a boxing ring where they just, without the ropes, everything happens right there. | ||
| They just fuck. | ||
| They just fuck. | ||
| Whoa, and are dudes beaten off in the audience? | ||
| Are you allowed to wear lipstick? | ||
| No, dudes aren't beaten off in the audience. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They aren't? | |
| No, it is kind of creepy now that you say that because I don't know what we were supposed to do, but there was like 20 people in there. | ||
| I guess maybe you should have, but we didn't, and we ruined it for everyone. | ||
| So we sit down, and they come out, and they're like, the first is girl on girl. | ||
| This is just like you'd see at porn, right? | ||
| So two girls come out, and they go to eat, and the second two girls come out, I start going... | ||
| Flying dildos! | ||
| Flying dildos! | ||
| And they're like, no, we're not flying dildos. | ||
| I go, oh! | ||
| And all 20 guys are like, whoa, I want to see flying dildos too. | ||
| So they do their thing. | ||
| They leave. | ||
| A girl comes out by herself, masturbation. | ||
| And I go, flying dildos? | ||
| And she goes, no, I'm not flying dildos. | ||
| I fucking, everyone that came to the stage, I just yelled, flying dildos! | ||
| How many people came to the stage? | ||
| Fucking like nine acts. | ||
| Nine acts come to the stage. | ||
| How long is each one doing? | ||
| Five minutes of fucking masturbating and then eating each other out and then blowing a dude and then the guy fucks the girl. | ||
| That's like the headliner, right? | ||
| And we get to the guy fucking the girl and I'm like, you better be fucking flying dildos! | ||
| And the guy's like, we're not flying dildos, okay? | ||
| Stop with the fucking flying dildos! | ||
| And I'm like, I'm like, boo! | ||
| The whole time they're fucking. | ||
| You're booing while they're fucking? | ||
| Yeah, but now we got 20 dudes and they're all on my team because we're fucking hammered and I'm like, Boo, we want flying dildos, right? | ||
| So then all of a sudden, a lady comes out with a doctor's little briefcase, you know the doctor's thing, bag? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And just walks up on stage. | ||
| stage I go you better be fucking flying dildos because ladies and gentlemen I am flying dildos and the fucking place goes nuts 20 dudes it's like fucking right out of the military she goes I'm going to need and I'm going to need someone from the audience and And everyone's like, fucking flying dildos! | ||
| So I'm like, fucking, I am definitely going up there. | ||
| Of course you did. | ||
| So I get up there and everyone's chanting, flying dildos! | ||
| Flying dildos! | ||
| I got my hands up, and she goes, okay, okay, hands behind back, and I put my hands behind my back, and she handcuffs me, and everyone's like, flying dildos! | ||
| Like, everyone's going fucking nuts. | ||
| She drops my pants, cuts my shirts with the scissors, throws me on the back, puts a dildo in my mouth, and just fucks it, and then stands up, and she goes, that was flying dildos, and she leaves me with a dildo in my mouth, naked, going, ah, ah, ah! | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Everyone's taking pictures! | ||
| Like fucking snap right up to the... | ||
| For like, I had handcuffs on. | ||
| I couldn't fucking move. | ||
| And just snap, snap, snap, snap, snap, snap. | ||
| And I'm just like, help me! | ||
| Somebody help me! | ||
| Get the dildo out of my mouth! | ||
| It was a fucking nightmare. | ||
| Do you have a photo of this? | ||
| This was in 90... | ||
| This was right after the Russian mob thing. | ||
| So this is, there was no digital cameras. | ||
| So it's real. | ||
| I can tell you, if you want to get bigger. | ||
| Someone out there has in a dusty shoebox. | ||
| PJ Cusmano. | ||
| A photo that they brought back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Third caller, if you can send us that photo, you'll win two tickets to the Alphabet. | |
| PJ Cusmano has that picture, I guarantee it. | ||
| Because I know, he's one of my buddies that was with us. | ||
| He had one of those disposable cameras. | ||
| And came right up there, like right up to the stage and just snap, snap, snap, snap. | ||
| PJ, if you're out there, find me on Twitter, homie. | ||
| What if it was PJ Stansberry the whole time? | ||
| We'll make it worth your while. | ||
| PJ from the comedy show? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's the best PJ face I've ever seen in my life. | ||
| What did you give him before the show started? | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| I have no idea. | ||
| He's extra silly today. | ||
| He is very silly, yeah. | ||
| It's extra, Brian. | ||
| Today's extra. | ||
| Bad weekends. | ||
| You had a bad weekend? | ||
| I've had a bad 2011. I'm done with it. | ||
| Like, I want to bring on 2012 and just off myself. | ||
| Like, seriously. | ||
| It'll show up. | ||
| I don't think it works that way, kid. | ||
| You've had a good 2011. You've had a good 2011. I've had a bad 2011. Really? | ||
| I think your 2011's still pretty fucking good, dude. | ||
| Your 2011's a lot better than Jordan. | ||
| Most craziest I've ever had ever? | ||
| I've never had so much crazy shit this year. | ||
| It's a lot of crazy stuff I've had. | ||
| Yeah, you bring that on yourself, kid. | ||
| You're fine. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Wait, Brian, Brian. | ||
| 20 minutes ago you were just talking about smoking Oxycontin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| That's not going to make you look at 2011 in a positive light. | ||
| That's how the future rolls in strong, dude. | ||
| Oxys. | ||
| Smoking Oxys with a straw. | ||
| Come on! | ||
| At what point do you put the meth in the lightbulb and go, let's all smoke it and see what happens? | ||
| I tried it twice, and that's like a drug that you could actually take. | ||
| It's not like fucking psycho drug. | ||
| It's not like crystal meth. | ||
| This is actually a pill that's for cancer patients or something like that. | ||
| It's opiates. | ||
| It's heroin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's heroin. | ||
| You think? | ||
| Well, yeah, okay. | ||
| I would very quickly jump on your side in this argument, but I'm on Joe's page 100%. | ||
| It's heroin. | ||
| I've been around a lot of pills, and I've never taken an oxygen. | ||
| Right, but I've tried it. | ||
| Two hits of probably 100 hits that that pill gave off during the trial of the group I was with. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| So I took two hits of what other people were doing. | ||
| Two to 300 probably hits for the whole night. | ||
| What? | ||
| Wait, wait, wait. | ||
| Two to three hundred hits? | ||
| Like, I don't know. | ||
| Every time I looked at them, they were just pretty much puffing on the same pill over and over again. | ||
| It was like smoking a whole bowl of weed or more, you know? | ||
| I don't think anybody can have 300 hits of Oxycontin and live. | ||
| Well, all right. | ||
| That was probably over-exaggerated. | ||
| Yeah, his math is that... | ||
| But how crazy is that that you're willing to smoke something and if you smoked it 300 times in a row, it would fucking for sure kill you. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| You'll go one, you'll go two, but if you got in 30, 31, 32, and then you got into 50, and then you got into 60. I pretty much have pretty good self-control, though. | ||
| I know, but I'm saying, what I'm saying is, what you're doing is, if you took two hits, and you just kept going, and really did what you said people did, 300, you'd be dead. | ||
| That's crazy, though, that you're willing to take even two of those. | ||
| You're willing to step two steps on the way to death. | ||
| Two steps on the way to a 300-step way to death. | ||
| You drink alcohol? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Yeah, sure. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| I'm not claiming that I'm above it. | ||
| I'm just saying it's a fascinating thing. | ||
| Alcohol kills way more people than fucking... | ||
| That's ridiculous. | ||
| That's because more people are taking alcohol. | ||
| It's because more people are drinking it. | ||
| So it's like Alaska is what you're saying. | ||
| You could drink alcohol and be fine. | ||
| Alcohol, yeah, alcohol doesn't... | ||
| It'll move people to noxicon. | ||
| Okay? | ||
| Well, don't get wrong. | ||
| It kills a lot of people. | ||
| I like alcohol, probably more. | ||
| I'll tell you, there's 300 million people in this country. | ||
| Roughly around 80 to 100,000 people die every year from alcohol poisoning, from alcohol-induced death, from overdosing in alcohol. | ||
| And then there's more that die from drunk driving. | ||
| That's well over 100,000 that die from drunk driving. | ||
| So that's what you could attribute the alcohol deaths. | ||
| Really, you can only attribute the poisonings, though. | ||
| You know, the rest of it is just doing things that you can't control while you're drunk, which is, you know, it still is death, but it's not, you know, it's not like an LD50 rate. | ||
| So it's like, how many drinks would you have to have before you died? | ||
| Probably not that many, man. | ||
| Probably even less than oxygen. | ||
| We said 300 oxys would kill you. | ||
| 300 hits of oxy would kill you. | ||
| That was over-exaggerating. | ||
| I'd probably say they did whatever a big, huge bowl of wheat. | ||
| They were there for maybe an hour. | ||
| My point was, how many shots can you drink? | ||
| You can't even drink 20 shots. | ||
| No, you don't. | ||
| You might be dead at 20. If you get to 30, you might be dead at 30. That's pretty goddamn close. | ||
| That's a lot closer than 300. Sometimes you go 5, 6 deep in a night, so you're a quarter of the way to dead. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Doggy. | ||
| Are we talking about me right now? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, we're talking about you right now. | |
| We're talking about human beings. | ||
| Open up the door. | ||
| I'm joking. | ||
| Here's the thing that's more dangerous about alcohol than any of that, is I have a buddy who goes to Chicago, has a few bottles of wine, takes some allergy medicine or whatever, in the middle of the night wakes up, drunk, stumbling, smashes through a fucking glass coffee table, fucking destroys his face. | ||
| Two kids, just having some wine. | ||
| He was taking an allergy or cold flu medicine or whatever. | ||
| But he's a grown up. | ||
| A lot of people have that old school grown up mentality. | ||
| I'm a fucking grown up. | ||
| I can take care of myself. | ||
| I know I've done it a million times. | ||
| And you go, fuck it. | ||
| I'm good. | ||
| I'm in a hotel room. | ||
| I'm downstairs. | ||
| I get in the elevator. | ||
| I go upstairs. | ||
| What's the worst that can happen? | ||
| My buddy falls to a play class fucking thing. | ||
| Doesn't even know what he did. | ||
| Just wakes up in the middle of the night. | ||
| Face bloody. | ||
| Calls his wife and she's like, I get you a first class ticket home and we'll have a doctor look at you tomorrow morning. | ||
| Like, that's the thing that scares me about alcohol. | ||
| Not the DUI, not the fucking liver shit, it's the fucking immediate, you know? | ||
| That's what terrifies me. | ||
| Accidents, shit like that. | ||
| Just the dumb accidents, like you're drunk and you're naked and you're like, I'm gonna clip my toenails on a fucking... | ||
| Yeah, I fall in the showers three times. | ||
| Have you really? | ||
| Yeah, not like... | ||
| You could get fucked up in a shower, man. | ||
| A shower should be made out of rubber. | ||
| That just happened to me the other day. | ||
| I fell and I grabbed myself right at the last second, but I have a glass shower thing, door, and it was really, I was looking and going, this would have ended really bad. | ||
| That's why I only use curtains. | ||
| Worst that happens when you fucking fall in a shower with a curtain and you hear, and then you're fucking on the ground. | ||
| That's a good point. | ||
| That's scary as fuck, dude. | ||
| Fucking terrifying. | ||
| Falling in the shower, you can really... | ||
| People die like that every year. | ||
| I wonder what the numbers of that are. | ||
| They're probably, like, pretty high. | ||
| I bet it's a thousand people a year. | ||
| I bet it's more than whatever that drug was I tried. | ||
| You know, 150 people die a year because coconuts fall on their head? | ||
| You know what, though? | ||
| I started looking at the eyes. | ||
| We had a palm tree leaning over our house, and I started looking at palm tree fatalities. | ||
| It's up there, man. | ||
| Those limbs fall off, hit you on the head. | ||
| Except for climbing it? | ||
| Maybe two. | ||
| I'll put those in there, too. | ||
| I don't care. | ||
| But those things aren't deeply rooted, so they fall over sometimes. | ||
| Really? | ||
| They're very bendable because they're full of water, but there aren't deeply rooted trees, so they can fucking fall on houses easy. | ||
| So they just, you know, you could be walking by and it'll just land on you. | ||
| Oh, a palm tree frond? | ||
| Yeah, we have a dude coming to our house on Wednesday to get all our palm tree fronds out. | ||
| And we got clean palm trees for like 75 bucks each tree. | ||
| But you gotta give me up on that shit. | ||
| Do guys that cut those things off your trees for a yard, they're usually typically gay people? | ||
| Like, is that a gay job to do? | ||
| No. | ||
| What, tree cutters? | ||
| No, no, that only specialize in palm de la lam, what'd you say? | ||
| Palm trees. | ||
| Palm trees. | ||
| Brian, take a break. | ||
| No, he's Mexican. | ||
| He just came out and he's like, I got an email saying he needed to survey the area. | ||
| And then he came out and he clearly didn't speak any English. | ||
| And he's like, duh, 70. 70. So he's telling you 70 bucks? | ||
| I get this real fucking complex email about him saying he needs to come out, survey the area, take a look, get an appraisal. | ||
| After I get an appraisal, come back to me. | ||
| And he just comes out and he goes, 70, 70, 75, 75, 75. I go, a tree? | ||
| And he goes, sure. | ||
| I go, perfect. | ||
| And then he left. | ||
| Didn't say any more than that. | ||
| But yeah, that's the guy, Mexican guy. | ||
| So he climbs up and makes sure those things don't drop on your head and kill you. | ||
| Climbs up, he's cutting them all out tomorrow or Wednesday. | ||
| They're pretty fucking heavy, man. | ||
| Dude, they're fucking monsters. | ||
| You ever just tug them? | ||
| The wet ones? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And easily could kill you. | ||
| Easily could kill a child in a heartbeat. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Ooh. | |
| Yeah, that's why you gotta get that shit taken care of. | ||
| We have one that hadn't been cut in probably eight years in our front yard that was our neighbor's. | ||
| And our neighbor was like, and I was like, I got kids. | ||
| Are we playing in the front yard? | ||
| Dogs. | ||
| We can't have that shit falling down. | ||
| How weird is that? | ||
| You have to worry about palm fronds. | ||
| Fucking yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I don't have to worry about that. | |
| Like of all this shit that was going to kill me? | ||
| That? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I thought it was going to be a plane flight. | ||
| You keep talking about plane flights. | ||
| Do you really freak out about plane flights? | ||
| I'm fucking terrified. | ||
| Do you think in any way, shape, or form that all this fear and worrying about things puts a certain amount of energy out there that attracts negative things to you? | ||
| I do, but I feel like ignoring it puts out a taunting energy. | ||
| Hmm. | ||
| Taunting. | ||
| Like you're saying, I'm not scared of you, bitch. | ||
| Like when I go, you know what? | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| I'm not scared of flying anymore. | ||
| That's when God goes, eh, fucking see my wrath. | ||
| So you have the Catholic version of God where he has to fear you. | ||
| Where God doesn't like me. | ||
| Excuse me, where you have to fear him, rather. | ||
| Yeah, where you tell him your secret, and he's like, whoa, whoa. | ||
| Yeah, he's like, whoa, whoa, who the fuck do you think you're talking to? | ||
| I'm talking to God right now. | ||
| You want to talk about some gay shit? | ||
| You talk to St. Jude. | ||
| That's who you talk to. | ||
| You don't talk to me about that shit. | ||
| So you think that by not thinking about the plane crash, by getting healthy about it, then it would be like you weren't respecting it. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Wow. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yep. | |
| What a crazy way to look at things. | ||
| I have rituals I do before I fly. | ||
| I wash every part of my body, get on my hands and knees, and say a prayer in the shower. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Fuck yeah, because I did it once and I flew. | ||
| Can you knock it by me? | ||
| Is that what's going on? | ||
| I thought we fixed this. | ||
| Scoot out a little bit. | ||
| Here. | ||
| We fixed this so he could sneak by me. | ||
| I think he got bigger. | ||
| Oh, my... | ||
| Just FYI. My web guy put up something about the shirts, the machine shirts, on BertBertBert.com. | ||
| They're taking pre-orders now. | ||
| We finally got the fucking licensing of the image. | ||
| It's a fucking nightmare. | ||
| Licensing of your own image was a nightmare? | ||
| Yeah, because I didn't create it. | ||
| The same thing happened with my DVD. My DVD has a shirt with a carrot on it, and it says, hello. | ||
| It's a joke I have about, if you're going to put a vegetable in a girl's ass, don't use a cucumber. | ||
| It's like a home invasion. | ||
| Use a carrot. | ||
| That's more like a, hello. | ||
| And we couldn't get the licensing to the image. | ||
| The guy wouldn't give it to us. | ||
| He goes, no, I did it for the DVD. If you want it, give me like 20 grand. | ||
| And I was like, alright, I guess I won't ever sell this DVD. And is this an artist that did this? | ||
| Yeah, an artist. | ||
| But an artist that worked for Whatever the company that distributed the DVD. Wow. | ||
| So he just said he was going to box you out. | ||
| Yeah, he was like, fuck it. | ||
| You want it? | ||
| I think his offer was like $10,000. | ||
| I was like, I don't have $10,000, man. | ||
| He goes, well, you can make that. | ||
| Do it. | ||
| Sell them the shirts. | ||
| Yeah, that's ridiculous. | ||
| But here's what happens. | ||
| So the guy, we did the documentary, and he made the shirt, the machine shirt, and he did it as a favor to his friends that were doing the documentary. | ||
| So they were made specifically for the documentary. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right. | ||
| And this is the documentary that you're about to shoot. | ||
| Yeah, and then my wife's like, hey, we can sell those on the road. | ||
| And the two film guys are like, fuck yeah, definitely. | ||
| We'll fulfill our documentaries. | ||
| Those will be special shirts that are not going to be all offered. | ||
| That shirt isn't going to be offered in the other color scheme. | ||
| But yeah, totally sell it. | ||
| And so we went, okay. | ||
| And then the guy said, yeah, make it the color scheme. | ||
| Do whatever they want. | ||
| You can sell them. | ||
| And then the artist, we had to come back to the artist, and the artist was like, no. | ||
| I was like, why not? | ||
| He's like, because they're made for this documentary. | ||
| I did it for friends. | ||
| I didn't do it for you to go out and make a fucking fortune on it. | ||
| And so then we had to kind of negotiate to the guy and say, listen, you know, I'm not, you know, it was a long process, very long process. | ||
| Is he like a hippie man? | ||
| I just want you making any money, man. | ||
| He's just like, yeah. | ||
| I did this for free, man. | ||
| I did this for my friends. | ||
| You're not my friend. | ||
| Oh, other people want it? | ||
| Then it won't be underground, man. | ||
| And then he's like, you know, so anyway, so we got him finally to say, if you want to sell it on your site, or on what you call it, you can do it, and, you know, negotiation shit. | ||
| And so we just put it on BurtBurtBurt.com. | ||
| You can order them, pre-order them. | ||
| I mean, I think all the fulfillments have to go out first, and they're gone, they're already out. | ||
| But if you want to go to BurtBurtBurt.com, you'll find in the store, you'll find the machine shirt, and now you can fucking stop emailing me about where to get them and when to get them. | ||
| They're on there. | ||
| How many emails are you getting about this? | ||
| A fucking non-stop. | ||
| The Day You Warriors on the podcast? | ||
| Fucking a million. | ||
| People going like, hey man, I want to donate to the documentary now. | ||
| Like, I didn't know what the shirt looked like. | ||
| I was like, are you fucking serious? | ||
| So, the documentary, the shirt is what got them to want to do it? | ||
| The shirt, yeah. | ||
| That's brilliant marketing. | ||
| The shirt, man. | ||
| But we would have never got the shirt made if we hadn't done the documentary. | ||
| I know, but isn't that funny that that works that way? | ||
| That someone sees a shirt, and it's a dope shirt, and like, this documentary is going to fucking rule just because they see the shirt. | ||
| But it's you. | ||
| It's you. | ||
| I mean, don't undersell it. | ||
| You're the first one, but you're being a regular human being. | ||
| When you say this, you go, you've got to get me one ASAP. Like, I want to wear it on Fear Factor. | ||
| I want to wear it on the podcast. | ||
| So we rush it. | ||
| We get it a couple sent to you, a couple sent to other people that are important to us, and you wear it, and it fucking blows up. | ||
| Like, literally blows up. | ||
| Well, it's nice that I can do that, but it's pretty easy. | ||
| All I have to do is wear a shirt. | ||
| I hardly feel like I did anything. | ||
| You just made a badass shirt. | ||
| I didn't have a chance to wear it. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| So if you want to get them, go to BertBertBert.com. | ||
| BertBertBert.com. | ||
| With ease. | ||
| Powerful Bert Kreischer. | ||
| So what else is going on? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What the fuck is Brian doing? | ||
| He's making video. | ||
| How sad are you about Steve Jobs? | ||
| It hit me pretty harder. | ||
| Harder than... | ||
| No, but when anyone dies... | ||
| Farley died. | ||
| I was affected. | ||
| I was like, wow, I really enjoyed watching Chris Farley. | ||
| I was connected to him even though I didn't know him. | ||
| Steve Jobs, kind of the same way. | ||
| It affected me in a weird level. | ||
| I wasn't sad or I didn't cry or anything, but it's pretty amazing looking back at the videos of him giving speeches and stuff like that. | ||
| Well, Steve Jobs was a bad motherfucker, but like all bad motherfuckers, he was flawed. | ||
| He was a ruthless dude and did what a lot of people would say is questionable shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Like what? | ||
| First of all, they had fucking slave labor that were making their iPhones. | ||
| Chinese factories, Foxconn factories, they have to have nets all around the factories to keep people from jumping off the roof. | ||
| There's a lot of weird karma involved and stuff like that. | ||
| I'm a total hypocrite because I have an iPhone. | ||
| I'm not boycotting these companies that use this kind of labor, but it was pretty public. | ||
| They have nets around these places to keep people from jumping off the roofs. | ||
| That's fucking insane. | ||
| That is karma that comes back. | ||
| They work 15 hours a day and they sleep on cots. | ||
| And it's fucking gross, man. | ||
| It's gross and it's scary that people can be forced to live like that just to survive in 2011. Do you think he knew that? | ||
| He for sure knew it. | ||
| He was aware of every single aspect. | ||
| Of every day-to-day operation at Apple. | ||
| He was an incredible CEO. He was a guy who was completely dedicated and in love with every facet of his company. | ||
| He was just a bad motherfucker. | ||
| He had to have known where they were being made. | ||
| If I know where the fucking phones are being made, he knows where the phones are being made. | ||
| It's ridiculous. | ||
| It's ridiculous to think he didn't. | ||
| No, no, I know. | ||
| But you know how they fucking claim that they... | ||
| I didn't know there was child labor. | ||
| Like, I didn't know that. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You think they knew it? | ||
| Yeah, he's also incredibly ambitious. | ||
| And the reason why the company became so good is because he was so ruthless and incredibly ambitious. | ||
| And because of that, you know, he was... | ||
| He was a tough guy to work for for some people. | ||
| Some people will tell stories about him yelling and screaming at people and calling them names, but that's because he wanted so much of himself. | ||
| And the reason why he was such a bad motherfucker is he had these incredibly high standards. | ||
| So then to have all these other people working under him and some of them who he didn't feel like met his vibration, met his frequency, he would be upset. | ||
| At least as far as everything I've ever read about him. | ||
| It just seems like another tortured, brilliant person who had an incredible gift of vision for this computer company. | ||
| Like I said, all bad motherfuckers are flawed. | ||
| You can't get to be amazing at something. | ||
| Remember when Clinton got busted pulling his dick out and we were all like... | ||
| There was a part of us that was a breath of fresh air. | ||
| There was a part of Clinton getting caught getting his dick sucked in the White House. | ||
| It was like, okay... | ||
| No one's got it all together. | ||
| No one does. | ||
| Not even the fucking president. | ||
| How about this? | ||
| What about this theory? | ||
| I was just saying this to Brian today on the car ride. | ||
| What if the flaw shows up when you get there as opposed to it's always there? | ||
| Do you think there's an inherent flaw that shows up with guys like Steve Jobs when you become Steve Jobs and you walk into a room and everything you say is gold? | ||
| It's not really a flaw. | ||
| It's just a quality. | ||
| The quality of Steve Jobs was that his vision was much clearer, his will was much stronger, his ideas carried more weight. | ||
| He just knew how to put it all together and do it. | ||
| He had a pure vision of what he wanted the company to be like. | ||
| That's not a bad thing. | ||
| The obsession is just how he chose to live his life. | ||
| He chose to live his life in this obsession for excellence. | ||
| In the end, we're all temporary, man. | ||
| In the end, we just cease to exist. | ||
| We're here for a short period of time, and then we're gone. | ||
| If you want to live it like that, man, you want to burn that candle at both ends and make a big explosion when it reaches the middle, why fucking not? | ||
| What is the difference? | ||
| Is it better to die slowly? | ||
| I don't understand. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I think a guy like that that comes along and makes this big, incredible explosion is a pretty fascinating individual. | ||
| But, you know, I think it's important to look at him as honestly as possible. | ||
| You know, like anybody who dies. | ||
| It's funny, I've never heard nothing but absolutely like, he's a god, he changed everything. | ||
| And to hear that perspective, I never heard it that way. | ||
| I never saw it that way, at least. | ||
| This comes from a fan. | ||
| No, no, no, I don't take you as, I think you're being more objective. | ||
| It was like I talked to my dad about the Wall Street occupation today, and I was wondering where his perspective was going to come. | ||
| And my dad's like, my dad's like, you... | ||
| In the sense that there are things I'll say to you sometimes when I'll go, oh, I think Joe will believe this. | ||
| And then I say it to you and you go, are you fucking retarded? | ||
| And then I go, what? | ||
| But my dad's the same way. | ||
| My dad's a regular dude who, by the way, should be on fucking Alpha Brains. | ||
| Really? | ||
| My dad wants to do Alpha Brains so bad, he's like, please send me some and I will document it. | ||
| My dad said that to me. | ||
| Oh, my dad fucking asked about Alpha Brains and was like... | ||
| Why don't you send it to him, Brian? | ||
| I don't even have Alpha Brain. | ||
| I ran out two days ago. | ||
| I'll get you something, dude. | ||
| But we were talking about the Wall Street occupation, and I was like, I don't know where to fucking... | ||
| I like Jamie Kilstein, and I know he's at the head of the New York one. | ||
| Occupy Wall Street? | ||
| Yeah, Occupy Wall Street. | ||
| I think it's a great idea to scare the fuck out of those corrupt cunts. | ||
| Yeah, but what's gonna happen? | ||
| I think 90% of the people are just there for a party. | ||
| They're just there for a big protest. | ||
| I know somebody, Neil Brennan, I think, just did stand-up comedy for Occupy LA. And I'm like, now they're having comedy shows. | ||
| This is pretty sweet. | ||
| This could be like the next, you know... | ||
| Let's try it. | ||
| I wonder, man, look, this could be how it starts. | ||
| You know, we're joking around about this now, like it's no big deal, but... | ||
| Look, essentially, what keeps a country together? | ||
| A government. | ||
| And essentially, the internet has exposed the fact that our government is absolutely corrupt and absolutely incompetent in almost every single way. | ||
| And not just corrupt, but corrupt to the point where they're starting wars for no fucking reason for profit. | ||
| And that's pretty well been established. | ||
| And if that's been established, then there is no government. | ||
| We've just got a bunch of corrupt cunt criminals that are running the fucking people into the ground. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And they have this fake system, this fake monetary economic system that's fucking built on unfixable bullshit. | ||
| Just a porous, fibrous... | ||
| There's no fixing it. | ||
| It's impossible to shore it all up. | ||
| You would have to completely start from scratch with a whole new thing and dissolve all the money, which is fucking never going to happen. | ||
| A lot of people get mad when I start talking about economic things. | ||
| They go, Joe Rogan, you don't know nothing about economics. | ||
| And you know what? | ||
| You're absolutely right. | ||
| I don't know nothing about economics. | ||
| But I do know bullshit. | ||
| I know bullshit. | ||
| It has been explained to me, the economy. | ||
| I know it's bullshit. | ||
| You know it's bullshit, too. | ||
| It's not even based on gold. | ||
| It's based on fucking confidence. | ||
| And it's run by cunts. | ||
| And if that's the case, what is going to happen eventually? | ||
| Well, fuck, man. | ||
| This shit might fall apart. | ||
| It really might fall apart. | ||
| What we're enjoying right now, this common chaos, is us being taken care of. | ||
| You know, by our overlords. | ||
| Us being taken care of in our slave quarters, and we're like dealing with it. | ||
| But when we ask to be free, man, we better be ready. | ||
| We better be ready for whatever the fuck that means. | ||
| We're not ready. | ||
| Not even close, man. | ||
| What if Wall Street just walked out on Occupy Wall Street and they're like, fine, you guys take over. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They'd be like, hold on, where's the lighter? | ||
| How is anybody ever going to figure out what money is again? | ||
| You know, I mean, obviously they could never walk away, but... | ||
| How is anybody going to re-fix in our lifetime? | ||
| It would take so many lifetimes. | ||
| Never going to happen. | ||
| I think. | ||
| I mean, I would imagine. | ||
| And people who are rich right now are never going to accept it. | ||
| And people who owe people money are never going to accept that person owes me money and now they don't anymore. | ||
| Fuck you, man. | ||
| I gave you that money. | ||
| You never paid me back, you douchebag. | ||
| Now, once we figure out a new system of government, you better give me my money back. | ||
| You know, there'll be like old debts that people are going to want to bring into play. | ||
| But, you know, I understand what they're saying in the sense that we tried to apply for a home loan this year, and it was a fucking nightmare. | ||
| Like, getting a home loan? | ||
| They have this money. | ||
| They can give this money. | ||
| And they choose not to for ridiculous reasons. | ||
| And so, but fucking, like, I understand, you know, and a lot of it I do believe that is the small businessman that keeps America afloat. | ||
| It's not the corporation's. | ||
| Well, you know, corporations don't hurt as long as they pay a good wage and they have youth and labor and they take care of everybody. | ||
| I don't mind the corporations, obviously. | ||
| People start going on about, you know, unions want too much money and that's why corporations have to go down to Mexico and they force these jobs overseas. | ||
| Is that really the only fucking solution? | ||
| Is it really the only solution to get people to work for slave labor? | ||
| That's the only solution, to get people to work for some ridiculous wage that you would never... | ||
| That doesn't make any sense to me. | ||
| We always manufacture things. | ||
| We've got to figure out a way to manufacture things here. | ||
| Does that mean that they cost more money? | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I don't know, but figure it out. | ||
| Don't use fucking slave labor, man. | ||
| I mean, I'm such a hypocrite because I do have an iPhone, and I do know about this Chinese company that makes iPhones. | ||
| But, you know, really, at the end of the day, man, you're attached to that in one way, in some form. | ||
| You're connected all the way back, you know, to these people wanting to jump off a roof to make your fucking cell phone. | ||
| Is there a way to make cell phones in America? | ||
| Brian, you would know this. | ||
| Can they do that? | ||
| Can they just start making iPhones in America? | ||
| Yeah, it'd just be more expensive. | ||
| How much more? | ||
| It'd be like fucking $20,000. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, these people are getting paid nothing, you know? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, whoa, whoa. | |
| But before this company was there, they were probably laying on the ground shivering with snakes coming out of their asshole, you know? | ||
| Who knows? | ||
| Okay, so what you're saying is the countries were all fucked up before these people got there. | ||
| Yeah, before, yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, you got a good point there, but with these South American countries especially, you know, yeah, these poor fucks, they're tearing down their rainforest and putting oil fields out there and ruining their land. | ||
| We went in with our clothes and all our shit, all that Western shit, and dumped it on them and said, this is the way it's going to be. | ||
| Like, you know, I mean, look at, you don't expect to see a guy in Peru wearing slacks and a collared shirt and a fucking tie, but we said, do that shit, we cut your rainforest down, we're ready, join the team, and then we're like, oh, by the way, it's a nickel a day. | ||
| And you've got to live in a cage. | ||
| Is it even possible that we could come up with really efficient robots that do most of the work and have the phones and all these fucking things made in America and pay people an honest wage? | ||
| And instead of a phone raking in $800, if they have a phone that they sell for $800, what is the profit for them, you think? | ||
| What is the profit for Apple? | ||
| 70%? | ||
| 70% you think? | ||
| Along with manufacturing and all that shit? | ||
| Do you think it's that high? | ||
| I think it's pretty high. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Well, we're totally speculating, right? | ||
| And I'm too lazy to Google this. | ||
| So let's just, for the sake of this argument, just pretend it's 70%. | ||
| Let's go with what you say. | ||
| So they make a 70% profit. | ||
| I'm inclined to think it's not that high. | ||
| Because I'm inclined to think that with production costs, and then with advertising, and Apple spends a lot of money on... | ||
| Yeah, but an iPhone right now, they sell retail price. | ||
| The new iPhone 4S, I think it was $899 for the cheapest version without a contract. | ||
| It was either $799 or $899. | ||
| Yeah, it's somewhere around there. | ||
| It's $400 for a new upgrade. | ||
| I know that. | ||
| My wife just looked at it today. | ||
| But if you want to buy one flat out... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you know, and then you gotta... | ||
| Well, either way. | ||
| Okay, so it's either 70... | ||
| Do you think an iPhone really costs that fucking much? | ||
| No, you know, that shit screen is so cheap. | ||
| They have fucking screens. | ||
| They have, what, a $20 Indian laptop right now or an iPad that just was released. | ||
| It's like $36, I think it was, to buy. | ||
| No, no, no, no, no. | ||
| I know what you're talking about. | ||
| Those are for children to learn the alphabet. | ||
| Yeah, but the screen size is way bigger than the iPhone. | ||
| What I'm saying is the parts, they've mass manufactured. | ||
| They're definitely using this cheap labor and stuff like that. | ||
| I bet it is something like a 70% profit nowadays. | ||
| But I will say, but I'm going to just jump in for two seconds. | ||
| $800, really? | ||
| But I'm not going to justify $800. | ||
| I'm not talking about the dudes who paid to make this. | ||
| My money is not going to those 20 Asian dudes that put the phone together. | ||
| Uh-huh. | ||
| My money's going to the guy that made it. | ||
| The guy that fucking said, this is how we do it. | ||
| You can't pay that guy $5 an hour because he won't do it. | ||
| You need that $800 offset of 70% profit where Steve Jobs has got to pay the guy. | ||
| Yeah, but then look, Steve Jobs at the end of the day has $7 billion in the bank and his body fails on him. | ||
| Yeah, but think of all the companies that did not exist. | ||
| Like the Mitsubishi hand gel. | ||
| All the phones that you've seen that you didn't buy, right? | ||
| They were just fucking keeping their heads above water. | ||
| Steve Jobs just happened to come up with the sexiest one that all of us, despite sometimes our moral beliefs, went, I fucking want the phone. | ||
| Like... | ||
| I never thought about anything other than wanting the phone until I found out about the factories. | ||
| But even still after the factories, did you switch over to whatever the Google one they make is? | ||
| I tried it, but it was terrible. | ||
| So, so, so, that's my point. | ||
| Google ones probably made the same way. | ||
| No, no, they make them in other countries. | ||
| They make them in Mexico. | ||
| Yeah, but my point is, it's not that he deserves his $7 billion. | ||
| But the point is... | ||
| He did do a magic trick that got us all to fucking, even despite knowing what we know about how they're made, we went, I still fucking want the phone. | ||
| Here's the question. | ||
| Would it be possible to do the exact same thing, but do it in America, and instead of him making seven billion dollars, he makes four? | ||
| Is that possible? | ||
| That you could have done it exactly the same way and everybody makes a shitload of money, but you spread it around more. | ||
| Is that possible? | ||
| It is possible for Steve Jobs to do it, but it's not possible for the guy that did the Google phone. | ||
| Because the guy that did the Google phone would not only be broke, but everyone would be fucking broke. | ||
| So you're saying once something's out there on the market... | ||
| He's hedging his bets. | ||
| The guy that made the Google phone probably just made a nice living, didn't make the $7 billion. | ||
| Well, you know, first of all, it's Google. | ||
| They have their own phone operating system, and it's not like a guy. | ||
| I know, I know, but I'm trying to broad stroke it. | ||
| Whatever the other fucking phones are out there, the smartphones that people aren't buying. | ||
| So you're saying they can't make them in America? | ||
| They couldn't make them at a more reasonable profit in America? | ||
| Right. | ||
| If they did, if they had, and they said, okay, well, instead of, best case scenario, instead of us being a mass hit like the iPhone and we all walk away with $7 billion, we're only going to walk away with $5 billion each, right? | ||
| Well, when it's just average the way it was, they would have all lost their asses. | ||
| The deficit we're looking at there is totally different. | ||
| In my opinion, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, Joe. | ||
| I'm pretty fucked up right now. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| But I'm just saying... | ||
| Okay, because you're losing me. | ||
| No, I'm saying that... | ||
| I see what you're saying, but I don't think that it's a losing venture making droid phones, especially these really badass ones they make. | ||
| You know, the HTC Evos and the Droid Bionics, the Motorola Bionic, whatever the fuck it is. | ||
| Yeah, but I don't want that shit. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| I don't want that. | ||
| I want the iPhone. | ||
| Oh, okay. | ||
| Because I saw a dude have one on a plane one time and I went, I want that shit. | ||
| So whatever that thing you did created makes me want it that, in a weird way, you earn your $7 billion. | ||
| Oh yeah, yeah. | ||
| I mean, in a weird way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, look, he created a cult. | ||
| You know, the cult of Mac. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Totally! | |
| I'm a user, you know. | ||
| I mean, so, like I said, I'm a huge hypocrite. | ||
| I think they have the best operating system. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| It doesn't crash. | ||
| I never get viruses. | ||
| I have no issues. | ||
| It's a little more expensive. | ||
| Yes, it is. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| Steve Jobs didn't die from a virus, Joe. | ||
| I want you to go home and I want you to listen to this podcast. | ||
| There's such a weird energy. | ||
| I agree with what you're saying. | ||
| Anyway, side note, I just think that they probably weren't set up originally to try to make $7 billion. | ||
| Their best case scenario was like a million each, and then it just blew the fuck up. | ||
| I mean, you're right. | ||
| He's a ruthless guy, man. | ||
| There's a lot of stories about him doing business. | ||
| Totally. | ||
| But once you get to that place where you're the dude that made the sexy thing that everyone wants and you're the guy that created all this fucking microcosm of belief, of cult of personality about you, you start believing what the fuck you feel. | ||
| And you go, fuck it. | ||
| I'm indestructible. | ||
| And you're right. | ||
| I do believe that's karmic energy that snapped back on him from all the negative shit he put out there. | ||
| Well, I'm not saying that. | ||
| I don't think that's why he got sick. | ||
| I think, if anything, he probably got sick because he works too much. | ||
| I think when you're that type of person that can't turn it off, man, that's an incredible amount of strain in your system. | ||
| You're redlining your system all day, man, when you're like a super intense, success-oriented, goal-oriented, victory-oriented sort of a guy like Steve Jobs. | ||
| I mean, he wasn't just a visionary, man. | ||
| He was like a cult leader. | ||
| He created a cult and didn't even ask anybody to join the cult. | ||
| They just joined the cult. | ||
| They just joined it and followed it everywhere. | ||
| And I would have conversations with people at work when I was on news radio. | ||
| This is when I realized it. | ||
| Where they would be like super excited about Apple's new announcements. | ||
| And they would talk to you about the new announcement. | ||
| You hear Apple's new announcement? | ||
| Yeah, yeah, they're working on the OSX right now. | ||
| But it's like that now. | ||
| It's crazy. | ||
| It's like that now, for real. | ||
| It's like Hari Krishna shit, you know? | ||
| I mean, think of a guy that's basically going to stand at a podium and go, Everyone, do me a favor right now. | ||
| Throw away your fucking phones. | ||
| And everyone's just going, I want the next thing he's got. | ||
| That's what we all do. | ||
| Right. | ||
| He just stood up there like, fucking take the purple lemonade or whatever. | ||
| I think what it is though is a lot, for me, creativity. | ||
| I've never in my life ever been able to take what I'm thinking in my head and put it out exactly how I want to put it out. | ||
| He created a tool. | ||
| He created a hammer. | ||
| He created a brush. | ||
| He created something completely different. | ||
| And then sometimes I think people look at what he's done is create something that never existed before, which was taking what I'm thinking in my head and putting it into a format that I could show you what I'm thinking. | ||
| Creativity's never been done before since I've got an Apple. | ||
| Using Final Cut Pro and all the programs that he's given me, I'm now really... | ||
| Feeling like it's a tool, like a hammer. | ||
| Are you understanding this? | ||
| Sort of. | ||
| I can translate. | ||
| He's saying it helps him create. | ||
| Think of Brian 10 years ago before Apple was around. | ||
| He was a dude sitting on a guy, sitting in a room with a bunch of ideas that he wanted to come out with. | ||
| He was a PC guy when I met him. | ||
| I'm using two VCRs to try to make a movie where now I'm fucking filming on an iPhone doing HD video. | ||
| And arguably you are a much more successful human being today than you were when PCs were around. | ||
| Your ideas happen quicker, faster, and you can get them to more people. | ||
| Think of The Voice, as interesting as it's been today, how many people it's gotten to just because of Apples and Macs. | ||
| I see what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah, but we would have gotten most of it done with Windows. | ||
| I mean, I disagree. | ||
| I disagree. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, I've used paintbrush before, and I could get my emotions out there, but it's not the same as, like, if you look at anything... | ||
|
unidentified
|
It might not be the same. | |
| It might not be as good, but, dude, there's a lot of people who edited videos and did a great job, and they edited them on PCs. | ||
| You know, there's a lot of picture editing, Photoshop... | ||
| No, but Steve Jobs created the PC, is what I'm saying. | ||
| Created the PC? What are you talking about? | ||
| Steve Jobs created the first PC. Yeah, but he didn't create the Windows operating system, and Xerox had an operating system with a user interface. | ||
| No, he created the computer to put that Windows on. | ||
| Didn't Xerox already have the graphic user interface before Apple did? | ||
| I'm not sure. | ||
| I'm pretty sure they got the idea from Xerox. | ||
| Have you ever heard of a Xerox personal computer in your life? | ||
| No, I haven't, but they could have existed, you know what I'm saying? | ||
| And we know that Windows did, and we know that a bunch of different people make Windows computers. | ||
| I think computers would exist in some form, no matter what. | ||
| I think once the technology was introduced into the world, it's just a natural chain of progression that people automatically start incorporating into their lives. | ||
| And then it becomes better and better. | ||
| What Apple was, was the best one. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But it's not like the computer wouldn't exist if it wasn't for Apple. | ||
| What Apple was was the best one. | ||
| And by the way, Wozniak was the technical genius behind that. | ||
| It wasn't even Steve Jobs. | ||
| It would have existed, man. | ||
| Computers would have existed. | ||
| But no doubt about it, Apple does it the best. | ||
| Why are you hating on Steve Jobs? | ||
| They do it the sexiest. | ||
| You're hating on Steve Jobs, man. | ||
| This is on a Mac. | ||
| This is a Mac to your left. | ||
| You got a Mac over there. | ||
| I bought all these bitches. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's what I'm saying. | ||
| There's one behind us. | ||
| I bought that one. | ||
| Why are you hating on Steve Jobs? | ||
| I'm not hating on him. | ||
| I'm trying to give Steve Jobs love and you're attacking Steve Jobs. | ||
| I gave him plenty of love, dude. | ||
| What am I attacking? | ||
| All I said was that he's a ruthless dude and that all bad motherfuckers have their flaws. | ||
| And you got to look at him for who he really is. | ||
| You're not very eyesighted. | ||
| Did you say I sad? | ||
| I'm sad. | ||
| Did you say I'm not very I sad? | ||
| That's hilarious. | ||
| I sad? | ||
| You're not very I sad! | ||
| That's the line of the night. | ||
| You know, I can't wait to see in four or five years when Steve Jobs' plans have run out. | ||
| I bet there's a couple that they just threw in there like, oh, he didn't really perfect his idea yet, like a smelly computer. | ||
| No, I don't want a smelly computer. | ||
| Or they're just taking all the ideas he put down on paper and they're like, guys, It's a helicopter, I helicopter. | ||
| We're all going to have them one day. | ||
| Is this possible that I just, with the energy that we're having today, can I ask how you guys met? | ||
| Oh yeah, I met Brian online. | ||
| Brian was on my message board. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, Brian was posting these videos and they were super creative. | ||
| That's what Brian's best at. | ||
| He's a wizard video editor. | ||
| I mean, even if he wasn't in the room, I would say this. | ||
| For real, he's a weird guy. | ||
| You know, obviously you can tell. | ||
| He's a very silly man. | ||
| He's a... | ||
| But because of that, he has a sensibility when it comes to video editing that I've never seen before. | ||
| It's so unique. | ||
| It's so his. | ||
| His sense of humor is so his. | ||
| And you're fucking great at him, man. | ||
| You really need to make more videos, not just edit videos, because they're fucking amazing, man. | ||
| And so I met him. | ||
| He was doing these videos just for a goof. | ||
| And I met him at one of my shows, and he was on my message board all the time. | ||
| And I said, what do you do for a living, man? | ||
| He said he works for Gateway Computers. | ||
| And I'm like, you want to work for me? | ||
| And he's like, yeah. | ||
| I'm like, come on out to fucking California. | ||
| Are you serious? | ||
| Yeah, so he came out to California, and that's back in the Comedy Store days, where Brian used to film crazy people coming up to us. | ||
| It was always like one fucking crazy retard after another. | ||
| Those are great videos, by the way. | ||
| Brian would take these videos and make these hilarious little things out of them, little clips. | ||
| And that's how we became friends. | ||
| That's so interesting. | ||
| I always wondered about that. | ||
| I thought I would have a much more romantic story. | ||
| You never found me. | ||
| It was at the Olive Garden. | ||
| Hey, by the way, I'm so mad at people hating on restaurants that are chain restaurants. | ||
| I went to the Olive Garden last night and had the best meal ever. | ||
| There's another fucking impromptu Olive Garden reference. | ||
| Here's what I have. | ||
| That's so rare. | ||
| You're so angry! | ||
| And he goes, and by the way! | ||
| Check this out. | ||
| He's the worst segue guy ever. | ||
| There's this sushi place in Studio City that has this famous sushi thing called, I think it's called Sardo's or something. | ||
| No, it's not Sardo's. | ||
| But it's some other place. | ||
| Katina or something. | ||
| Katana. | ||
| And they have this all-you-can-eat sushi thing for $26, right? | ||
| And so my girlfriend's like, oh, I want sushi! | ||
| And I'm like, alright, let's get sushi. | ||
| So we sit down, and then we were like, alright, we'll have the all-you-can-eat sushi deal. | ||
| And so we ordered three sushis, and they give you the humongous thing of sushi. | ||
| So it's not like six rolls. | ||
| It's like 12 rolls each. | ||
| So I'm like, oh shit, this better be good. | ||
| It's all rice and raw, mushy fish. | ||
| By the way, I'm thinking of the same thing right now. | ||
| Keep going? | ||
| What the fuck does this have to do with what we were talking about? | ||
| So... | ||
| We start eating it, and then we're like, this is disgusting. | ||
| And the woman comes over, and I'm like, hey, this is gross. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And they're like, sorry, you have to eat at least 75%. | |
| And I'm like, what? | ||
| 75%? | ||
| All right. | ||
| And my baby, I was like, I'll eat it. | ||
| I'll eat it, and we'll get something else. | ||
| It'll be better than this shit. | ||
| So I ate all of it, and then I feel like I'm going to puke, right? | ||
| Like, it's the worst sushi ever. | ||
| This is how you can tell how ridiculous Brian's stories are. | ||
| How many likes there are in there. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And I'm like, and she's like, and he's like, and I'm like, oh my god, like... | ||
| So my girlfriend's like, I feel sick. | ||
| Can we stop? | ||
| Can we pretend we're doing the directorial editing on this? | ||
| So wait, my favorite part is when the lady says to him, you have to eat 75% of it to even have this conversation. | ||
| So Brian goes, don't worry, I got this. | ||
| I'm going to eat 75% of the sushi. | ||
| And I ate the whole thing because I was just trying to prove a point, right? | ||
| Like this is bullshit that you're forcing me to eat this horrible sushi. | ||
| Well, they probably have to get rid of it before it rots out. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I know. | ||
| That's what I'm thinking. | ||
| I'm thinking the same thing like that. | ||
| You are a genius. | ||
| I'm glad you thought of the same thing I thought of. | ||
| And so then I told the waitress. | ||
| The waitress comes back, and I'm like, look, my girlfriend feels sick. | ||
| We don't even want to try for any more sushi because this is awful. | ||
| She's like, 20 push-ups! | ||
|
unidentified
|
20 push-ups! | |
| I'm sorry. | ||
| You have to eat it. | ||
| What's the point of the story, man? | ||
| Is there a point? | ||
| Yeah, because I went to the Olive Garden. | ||
| And guess what? | ||
| None of that shit ever happens at the Olive Garden. | ||
| I'm not sitting there disappointed. | ||
| I'm like, no, this salad is awesome. | ||
| These breadsticks are awesome. | ||
| This is awesome. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This is awesome. | |
| Your point of this whole sidetrack is that Olive Garden is good food. | ||
| Olive Garden, all you can eat pasta, and everything cost me $40. | ||
| That shitty-ass sushi, $51. | ||
| Who would want to listen to this? | ||
| Do you realize that this is a podcast? | ||
| Who the fuck would want to listen to you talk about what a good product? | ||
| You're so angry. | ||
| No, Brian, I'm being honest with you. | ||
| This is a product. | ||
| This podcast is a product that I take very seriously. | ||
| I love doing it. | ||
| You asked me. | ||
| And people enjoy it. | ||
| And people enjoy it very much. | ||
| No, I did not ask you. | ||
| You went off on a wild, crazy chase to tell me that there's places that are bad restaurants and the Olive Garden always gives a quality meal. | ||
| You know what I'm thinking? | ||
| It's like people that bash on franchise restaurants. | ||
| Forget about that. | ||
| Forget about that. | ||
| What I want to know is, you know, people are listening to this. | ||
| They perfected this shit. | ||
| People are listening to this. | ||
|
unidentified
|
So you don't think that's interesting? | |
| There's nothing entertaining in that, no. | ||
| Definitely not. | ||
| So when people say mom and pop restaurants are the only way to go, like, this restaurant's good because it's owned by a small family. | ||
| And you go there and you just have worse, horrible, shitty-ass service. | ||
| This is a dumb conversation because not every mom and pop restaurant sucks. | ||
| No, but the majority of them are. | ||
| No, that's not true. | ||
| That's not true. | ||
| Successful mom and pop restaurants... | ||
| Brian, that is not true. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's why they have kitchen nightmares, because all these places can't make money, so all this shit's frozen. | |
| In times like this, they're more likely to go under, because the bad restaurants are not going to make money. | ||
| Okay, I'm going to be Judge Judy right now. | ||
| You were right on part of what you said, and you were right on part of what you said. | ||
| You're wrong on the last part. | ||
| What part? | ||
| Mama's shit pop shops are good. | ||
| No, I'm not saying they're not good. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no. | |
| You're wrong. | ||
| You're wrong on the fact that no one wants to hear what you just told us. | ||
| However, Joe's wrong on the fact that what it is then turned interesting because it was so bad. | ||
| Because it was so bad. | ||
| But it would have been so bad in a genius way because I'm sitting here laughing going, I can't believe that we're... | ||
| I think it's important to remind everybody that someone's listening. | ||
| This is a program. | ||
| This is an entertainment program. | ||
| I apologize for talking. | ||
| It's not apologizing for stories. | ||
| Don't apologize for talking. | ||
| I did not mean to talk. | ||
| Aspire to a higher level, sir. | ||
| No, you guys are... | ||
| I'm laughing. | ||
| I'm having a good time. | ||
| I am, too. | ||
| I'm also having a bad... | ||
| This isn't even remotely uncomfortable. | ||
| Joe, why are you so uncomfortable right now? | ||
| It's you, dude. | ||
| You're very near this podcast. | ||
| I can feel you're very angry right now. | ||
| No, I'm not. | ||
| You've been awkward this entire podcast. | ||
| I'm always awkward every podcast. | ||
| Yeah, but this is extra. | ||
| No, it's not. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's just about the same as drinking four beers with Burt Kreischer. | |
| It's about right. | ||
| I'll stop drinking, guys, if this is what it's about. | ||
| I'm going to switch to energy drink because I feel bad now because I'm making Joe awkward. | ||
| Well, Brian, are you happy with that story, how that all turned out? | ||
| Well, obviously it was a little bit more intense than I thought it was going to be talking about how I like going to franchise restaurants because they do it right and they figured it out like good service, good food compared to going to getting food poisoning. | ||
| But be honest. | ||
| As a person who likes listening to podcasts, as a person who enjoys quality conversation, were you happy with that? | ||
| How that turned out? | ||
| Not your reaction, but I was happy how my story was turning out. | ||
| No, no, not his reaction, just with the story, with the end result of the story. | ||
| I apologize for bringing up the offer. | ||
| No, no, don't apologize. | ||
| Are you happy with how the end result of that story? | ||
| No, definitely not. | ||
| I'm not happy how it's ending right now. | ||
| I did not mean to turn into whatever happened. | ||
| No, are you happy with it as a product, like as a piece of art, as a conversation? | ||
| Wouldn't you say that in retrospect it wasn't that entertaining? | ||
| I think you're taking it different than what I actually mean. | ||
| No, I'm just trying to find out the way you approach it. | ||
| The way you approach telling a story. | ||
| If I am telling a story, I want to make sure that it's entertaining. | ||
| And if I think it's not going to be entertaining, I don't want to tell it. | ||
| I think that's what you have to do. | ||
| And if I tell a story, and we all have, and it's not that entertaining, I feel uncomfortable. | ||
| And you don't seem to feel that. | ||
| When you tell a story and it doesn't work out that good, it doesn't seem to bother you at all. | ||
| Okay, sorry. | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| No, I understand what you're saying. | ||
| Yeah, but I'll argue, once again, to be the... | ||
| Okay. | ||
| I will say that I think, and I don't mean no offense by this, but I think me and you have a higher threshold, like a tighter threshold of when our stories aren't doing well, where we get more uncomfortable. | ||
| Right, as a performer. | ||
| But he's a stand-up, too. | ||
| But he hasn't been doing it, what, 20-something years, and 15 years, he's been doing it, like, six years. | ||
| So I think our threshold, like when I bomb, I know what it feels like. | ||
| Like that. | ||
| Like I think he's hoping it's... | ||
| I can't believe we're talking about this, but I think he's hoping... | ||
| I thought we were just all talking. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No, no, no, no. | |
| I think he's hoping that it'll spawn different directions, maybe. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Well, no, Brian, you changed the conversation. | ||
| In the middle of this conversation, you went to this weird Olive Garden thing. | ||
| And you bring up the Olive Garden like almost every week. | ||
| Are you against the Olive Garden? | ||
| Because I'm not getting paid by the Olive Garden. | ||
| Is that what you think I'm talking about? | ||
| No. | ||
| I have no connection to the Olive Garden. | ||
| It's just not entertaining. | ||
| It's just not entertaining. | ||
| I'm sorry for bringing up the Olive Garden. | ||
| I will change it to Applebee's next time. | ||
| I'll tell you what. | ||
| If you guys want, I'll tell you about the time I dated the girl that had cerebral palsy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What's that like? | |
| I don't know. | ||
| We'll just see if that goes somewhere. | ||
| I'm not certain. | ||
| You dated a girl that had cerebral palsy? | ||
| How extreme? | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| Pretty extreme. | ||
| Patrice O'Neal was like, it's fucking obvious. | ||
| I don't know how you didn't see it. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| But I didn't see it because I was drinking so much around her. | ||
| When you met her? | ||
| Yeah, we were on a plane flying from LA to New York and a beautiful girl sitting next to me and I just automatically, whatever thoughts you're going to have, are overwhelmed by how hot she is. | ||
| She was like Angelina Jolie meets Sarah Michelle Gellar, really smoking hot. | ||
| And so I sat down next to her and we just hit it off. | ||
| It was so great. | ||
| But we were sitting next to each other the whole time. | ||
| We didn't get up and go anywhere so I didn't see her walk. | ||
| And then we went out the next night in New York on a date with a bunch of friends. | ||
| Had a great time. | ||
| Bam! | ||
| Like, so awesome. | ||
| And then on the third date, my buddy pulled me aside. | ||
| He was like, you might want to go out with her in the sunlight and, like, check her out. | ||
| I was like, why? | ||
| He was like, I think something's wrong with the chick. | ||
| I was like, what do you mean? | ||
| I didn't notice a thing. | ||
| I didn't notice a thing wrong with her. | ||
| I thought she was perfect, and then I go out with her in the sunlight. | ||
| I took her on to a brunch. | ||
| I met her at her house. | ||
| She was a trust fund kid, too, which made it even harder. | ||
| But she was wearing sneakers, and I was like, that's an odd choice for a brunch is track shoes, like sneakers with a sundress. | ||
| And then I saw her limp, and I was like, oh, fuck. | ||
| Something's going on. | ||
| And then we ate dinner. | ||
| She only used her left hand or her right hand. | ||
| One hand the whole time to do everything with. | ||
| And I was like, fuck, she's got cerebral palsy. | ||
| I didn't know. | ||
| But then I found out. | ||
| And then you become the guy that you're like, will I date the girl with cerebral palsy? | ||
| Or will I be the guy that goes, fuck you, I don't want that hassle. | ||
| I don't want that hassle in my life. | ||
| And I was like, fuck it. | ||
| I'm going to date her. | ||
| I liked her when I didn't think she had cerebral palsy. | ||
| And now I know it. | ||
| I'm not going to fucking throw her to the wolves. | ||
| And so... | ||
| I started dating her, and then she went to Scotland with me and Patrice and Rich Voss, and fucking she showed how crazy she was. | ||
| She was a nightmare. | ||
| Patrice was the first to see it. | ||
| He's like, I don't like it, bitch. | ||
| Crazy and cerebral palsy. | ||
| Really crazy. | ||
| I'm sure it's her history that's got to creep in on her, having a disability, but she was a fucking nightmare. | ||
| One night she was standing at the foot of my bed naked and screaming at me, going... | ||
| You walk, fuck me! | ||
|
unidentified
|
You walk, fuck me! | |
| And Patrice walked, like literally walked, stuck his head, and he was like, alright, and shut the door. | ||
| She was crazy. | ||
| We were in a house in Scotland doing the Edinburgh Festival. | ||
| And then she was a nightmare. | ||
| But my biggest thing was like, man, how much of a drunk do you have to be to not notice a chick you're dating has cerebral palsy? | ||
| Like... | ||
| I guess if you were totally trashed, you're just trying to look at the bright side of things. | ||
| But yeah, but you know your first few dates with the chick, it's out. | ||
| How many dates did you have before you took her with you? | ||
| Two. | ||
| Two until I realized she had cerebral palsy. | ||
| Two or three. | ||
| It took you two whole dates before you realized? | ||
| Yeah, like two whole dates, like hanging out and walking around with her. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| You know something that was even fucking weirder about it is that she was a massive fan of Guns N' Roses. | ||
| And then when I was doing the X show with Gary Valentine, we ended up interviewing Slash. | ||
| From Guns N' Roses. | ||
| And so Slash showed up and I was like, man, this chick, I can't remember her name right now, but I go, this chick loves Slash. | ||
| I called her. | ||
| I had her number on my cell phone. | ||
| I called her and I said, just so you know, she lived in LA. I go, Slash is in my green room right now drinking. | ||
| If you want to meet Slash, I got to drive on for you over at the gate. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| And he's going to be here for a while. | ||
| We haven't even started taping and he's not flying out until 10 and he wants to stay in my room drinking. | ||
| So she showed up to the taping. | ||
| She sits in the back and watches me do the interview with him. | ||
| And it was a great interview. | ||
| And then we get done. | ||
| And I say to her, go to my green room. | ||
| I tell one of the guys, take her to my green room. | ||
| So me and Slash go into the green room with her. | ||
| I go, listen, Slash, just so you know, this chick I dated is a big fan of Guns N' Roses and she just wants to meet you. | ||
| And they talk. | ||
| And man, and she is hot as fucking shit. | ||
| And Slash and I are pretty hammered for like 8 in the morning. | ||
| And then she gets up to go to the bathroom and I see her distinctively limp to the bathroom and walk out of my room and Slash looks over at me and he goes, how perfect is she? | ||
| And I was like, you didn't see her limp? | ||
| And he's like, what are you talking about? | ||
| And I was like, great, I'm just as big an alcoholic as Slash. | ||
| Like Slash didn't notice and I didn't fucking notice. | ||
| But yeah, so she was fucking crazy though too. | ||
| How long did you date her for? | ||
| Scotland? | ||
| You got rid of her after that? | ||
| Got rid of her in Scotland and then kind of hooked back up with her in LA. Because she couldn't get a DUI because no one could give her a fucking field sobriety test. | ||
| Why couldn't they just give her a breathalyzer? | ||
| They could, but when she did a field sobriety, she goes, oh, I have cerebral palsy. | ||
| And they'd be like, oh, okay, they feel uncomfortable. | ||
| Oh, no, don't worry about it. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| So was she ever drunk with cerebral palsy? | ||
| Oh, all the time. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| She's not listening to this. | ||
| She was a hot mess. | ||
| Drunk with cerebral palsy and driving? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And only can use one arm. | ||
| Cerebral palsy is just like it happens and then it's there forever. | ||
| It doesn't like escalate. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, it's like you got no oxygen delivered to your brain when you're a baby, and then she had like a hook, not a hook hand, but like this hand, and then her leg was really skinny. | ||
| Whoa. | ||
| I remember Patrice, when we were in Scotland, she wore these really hot leather pants, and Patrice just leans over and he's like, nice pants on your girl, too bad there's a baby leg in there. | ||
| Oh, Patrice is a fucking beast. | ||
| But anyway, yeah, we partied, and then one night, she was a fucking nightmare. | ||
| Rescued cats, and then rescued cats, but only to take them on walks at Runyon. | ||
| Who takes a fucking Runyon! | ||
| What? | ||
| On a leash? | ||
| Yeah, she goes, do you like runyon? | ||
| And I was like, yeah, yeah, yeah. | ||
| She's like, let's go on a hike. | ||
| And now I'm thinking taking a hike with a girl with cerebral palsy with a fucking cat? | ||
| Like, that is way too much. | ||
| That's awesome! | ||
| So they can't fix cerebral palsy? | ||
| There's no therapy for it? | ||
| It's like diminished oxygen to the parts of the body. | ||
| And it just, it is what it is. | ||
| It is what it is. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| There's no way to fix it? | ||
| You can't, what if they exercise? | ||
| Is that possible? | ||
| No. | ||
| They can't exercise? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I remember one night we were laying in bed in Scotland and I was like scratching her bad arm. | ||
| And I remember, oh, I remember fucking, you know those like douche chill type moments and she just, you're not going to fix it. | ||
| And I was like, what? | ||
| She goes, I can't feel it. | ||
| I can't feel it, so don't do it. | ||
|
unidentified
|
And I was just like, I can't check this one at the door. | |
| Yeah, that's brutal, man. | ||
| It's brutal when somebody is angry at a disability and you don't have anything to say. | ||
| There's nothing you can say. | ||
| You just have to absorb their uncomfortable moment. | ||
| She was so hot. | ||
| Really? | ||
| So hot, I can't even tell you. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Like, I swear to God, Angelina Jolie... | ||
| Was her pussy numb? | ||
| I never fucked her. | ||
| I just got her, you know, other stuff. | ||
| Like what? | ||
| A blowjob with a good hand. | ||
| With a good hand? | ||
| Like, she used a little bit of, like... | ||
| Did you ever cup the balls with a numb hand? | ||
| No. | ||
| Did you just hold a good cup? | ||
| But her ex-boyfriend, who had just gotten out of prison, called right after the blowjob. | ||
| He just got out of prison? | ||
| Yeah, he just got out of prison. | ||
| Did he call as you were coming, the phone rings? | ||
| Yeah, borderline, I would say. | ||
| I would offer it up as in I definitely was still in bed and she got out. | ||
| And it was brand new. | ||
| And he called and they started fighting on the phone. | ||
| And I just was like, I'm out of here. | ||
| And she was like, what? | ||
| She's like, don't leave. | ||
| And she's like, nobody, go fuck yourself. | ||
| And then hung up on him and I was like, now he's definitely coming over here. | ||
| And then I was like, I'm fucking out of here. | ||
| I don't want no part of this drama. | ||
| It was also when I was a massive bachelor and I just didn't want that shit. | ||
| I didn't want the fucking drama that came with a girlfriend. | ||
| I was like, I'm in and out of here. | ||
| I'm fucking no thank you. | ||
| And she was like, and I remember her saying something like, I just had your dick in my mouth, or something like real, like hit you in the center of the chest, and you were like, fuck. | ||
| And then I walked home from Sunset. | ||
| I was living across the street from Andy Dick at the time. | ||
| Oh, nice. | ||
| I walked down Sunset, all the way from Sunset to fucking wherever Andy used to live. | ||
| Now he lives in the back of it, like, you know, Beverly and Los Angeles, like right around there. | ||
| And I walked home. | ||
| I was like, I don't want the fucking drama. | ||
| How long did that take? | ||
| It was a long walk, but I was pretty hammered. | ||
| I stopped at a few bars, and I think Nick Swartzen yelled something as I drove by. | ||
| Stopped at a few bars? | ||
| You stopped? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh, of course. | |
| Walked into a bar? | ||
| I've never just walked into a bar before. | ||
| Are you shitting me? | ||
| Yep, never. | ||
| The best conversations you'll ever get into. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Fuck yes! | ||
| Especially you. | ||
| Walk in on your own. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yes! | |
| And just sit down. | ||
| Yeah, all the time. | ||
| You ever done it, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| Walk into a bar and sit down? | ||
| Talk to a stranger. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Definitely. | ||
| By yourself? | ||
| All the time. | ||
| Hotels? | ||
| What do you do in hotels? | ||
| Oh, I don't go to the bar. | ||
| Oh, I go to the bar and I sit down and fucking talk to someone. | ||
| No, you bullshitting? | ||
| Have you ever done it? | ||
| All the time! | ||
| You go to bars by yourself? | ||
| All the time. | ||
| I definitely do that. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| If I'm bored, I'll go to a bar and just hang out, look at chicks trying to pick up a girl, you know, like just see what the deal is. | ||
| I'm going to have a beer. | ||
| I'm not going to sit at home and drink a beer. | ||
| I'll have a couple of beers at a bar. | ||
| Never going to a bar by myself. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Are you serious? | |
| Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe, Joe. | ||
| You got to, you know. | ||
| Got to pool halls with bars by myself. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| It's the same thing technically. | ||
| No, but I got to play pool. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Well, yeah. | ||
| All right. | ||
| Well, I was playing on my iPhone. | ||
| World of Warcraft. | ||
| Same thing. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But you would definitely get a kick out of the way people just divulge shit that you never tell people. | ||
| I do it at hotel bars all the time now. | ||
| That's when you get drunk women stories. | ||
| Women with bad husbands. | ||
| They want to tell you about their bad husbands. | ||
| Half my ex-girlfriends I met at bars is hanging out. | ||
| Meeting some fucking hot chick, dating her for a couple months. | ||
| I've never met a chick at a bar. | ||
| Listen to me, Brian, you stud. | ||
| I've never been able to meet a chick at a bar. | ||
| That's how you have to do it. | ||
| How else do you meet a girl? | ||
| When I lived in Columbus, Ohio, I was like, alright, what else do I do? | ||
| I can go to the bowling alley. | ||
| That's so sad. | ||
| My entire dating life outside of college was doing stand-up. | ||
| Stand-up's huge. | ||
| I think one of the best things with stand-up. | ||
| So much better. | ||
| So much easier than meeting a girl or going to a bar. | ||
| You meet someone after a show and you have something to talk about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Absolutely. | |
| Here are the chicks I fucked as a stand-up. | ||
| One from Liverpool whose tongue wouldn't go out of her mouth. | ||
| It wouldn't. | ||
| Because there was a piece of skin connected from the bottom of her mouth to the tip of her tongue. | ||
| So her tongue couldn't extend? | ||
| All she could do is this. | ||
| Oh, wow. | ||
| So the whole time you kissed her, you were just licking her tongue. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Fucking nightmare. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Why is that a nightmare? | ||
| You're just really in a big, long tongue? | ||
| No, and she smoked, and she drank Hennessy, so the whole time I met out with her, I was like, this is what kissing Tupac would be like. | ||
| Hey, did you hear about the Tupac porno? | ||
| Did you see the stills from that? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| I heard Joey said something about it. | ||
| Is it real? | ||
| Yeah, it's real. | ||
| But even the other guy that's in it that was like in whatever, Digital Underground or whatever, he's like, oh no, I knew about this tape for a long time. | ||
| Is he wearing the nose and glasses too? | ||
| No, not that guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's like... | |
| Hey, Tupac, why don't you go from behind? | ||
| Stop what you're doing, because I'm about to ruin your asshole. | ||
| That guy was hilarious. | ||
| Whatever happened to that dude? | ||
| He was a big producer, I heard. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I think he still produces, probably. | ||
| Why wouldn't he keep producing CDs of his own? | ||
| Digital Underground was awesome. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| I saw him once in a small bar. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Like a really tiny bar. | ||
| And it was when digital cameras first came out. | ||
| And I was taking photos and all of them are just blurry messes. | ||
| And one of them you can see like a blur and a nose from him wearing the Humpty nose or whatever. | ||
| Oh, that's kind of cool. | ||
| Was this post-success? | ||
| Like they weren't famous anymore? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| Yeah, it was just a small little bar. | ||
| And he's still wearing the nose. | ||
| It's a fucking weird thing for artists, for musical artists. | ||
| It's a totally different world for them. | ||
| It's so hard for them to get their shit out to people. | ||
| Not now, because of the internet, but back then, you needed the radio. | ||
| You needed the radio to pump you up. | ||
| That was the only way you got successful. | ||
| They would get successful for one fucking CD, and then they'd be gone. | ||
| And then one CD, and they'd be gone. | ||
| Eddie Bravo explained it to me, because... | ||
| Eddie's a musician. | ||
| He knows a lot about the business. | ||
| And he says that apparently what it is is it's all so that the producers can make a shitload of money. | ||
| Because the way contracts are set up, the first CDs, the producers make the majority of the profits. | ||
| And then they basically say once you become a hit, then you become a hit. | ||
| And then you make money on your next contract. | ||
| Oh, that's how it fucking makes total sense. | ||
| Yeah, because the producers will make you successful. | ||
| So they would do this and just pump and dump. | ||
| Make a new one and get rid of them. | ||
| Make a new one and get rid of them. | ||
| And so they kept making all these hits. | ||
| The producers would make all this money, but the artists didn't make nearly as much money as they should have made. | ||
| And then their career was over really quickly. | ||
| No one wanted to play their shit anymore. | ||
| If you weren't in a record deal with one of the big record companies, then they wouldn't play your shit on the radio. | ||
| Makes total sense. | ||
| You have an ability to make a hit. | ||
| Which one are you going to do it on? | ||
| The one you get no money or the one you get all the money? | ||
| You make the one with all the money. | ||
| Have you ever read, there was a thing that Courtney Love wrote where she explained where the money comes from. | ||
| Some say that someone else ghost wrote it, but that's probably just their hate. | ||
| They probably just don't realize how smart she is. | ||
| I don't know, maybe they are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You think she's smart? | |
| She's crazy for sure, but she's probably smart too. | ||
| She's definitely smart enough to get to where she's been. | ||
| I think she's a dumb cunt. | ||
| She might be. | ||
| She's crazy. | ||
| She's crazy, but I think she's probably clever, too. | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| What did she write? | ||
| I'm guessing. | ||
| But anyway, she broke down where the money goes when someone gets a record deal and where the How the money flows down through, you know, back to the artist. | ||
| It's really pretty ridiculous. | ||
| I mean, it's really incredibly stacked for the record companies. | ||
| But, you know, I mean, they have to put forth the money. | ||
| I mean, it's a business. | ||
| They're the ones who have to invest the money in order to make the artist famous. | ||
| I mean, it is sort of a parasitic relationship at a certain point, but it doesn't even exist anymore. | ||
| So what's the point? | ||
| You know, now, all you do, I mean, now, really? | ||
| The internet is your friend. | ||
| That's what you want to do. | ||
| You want to get something where people get a hold of it. | ||
| It spreads virally. | ||
| A cool video gets out. | ||
| It spreads virally. | ||
| And then you tour. | ||
| That's really the only way to do it. | ||
| The tour is where you make your money as an artist. | ||
| How many bands are just releasing their shit for free online now? | ||
| They'll release their whole CD for free, right? | ||
| Wilco started all that. | ||
| Have you seen I'm Trying to Break Your Heart by Wilco? | ||
| No. | ||
| It's one of my favorite documentaries ever. | ||
| Wilco makes an album. | ||
| I'm going to say any big company, name a big company here, Sony or whatever, pays to make it. | ||
| They submit it. | ||
| The company says, we don't want it. | ||
| Everyone gets fired at the top of the company. | ||
| New group comes on and they go, don't worry, you can have it. | ||
| We don't even want it. | ||
| Wilco takes it out on tour. | ||
| That album releases it online for free in this documentary. | ||
| On this documentary, this is all happening. | ||
| And then all of a sudden, another subsidiary of Sony, the big company, buys the album for three times they were originally paid to make it. | ||
| And it's a really great documentary. | ||
| And if you like Wilco, it's a lot of their acoustic music. | ||
| But it's a great documentary. | ||
| I don't even know who Wilco is. | ||
| Seriously? | ||
| Never heard of it. | ||
| Oh, they're great, Joe. | ||
| Where are they? | ||
| I would say a... | ||
| Yeah, I'm interested to see if you like them or not. | ||
| I like Wilco, but it's borderline that you would like it. | ||
| Do they release their shit for free online? | ||
| No, not now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not now. | |
| Because they've blown up. | ||
| And so you can get some of their shit for free online. | ||
| Jeff Tweedy is the lead singer. | ||
| He does living room shows where he sits in the living room. | ||
| People pay a ton of money. | ||
| Like a group will pay a ton of money. | ||
| They all chip in like say 10 grand each to have him in his living room. | ||
| Like 30 people come. | ||
| But then he'll donate it to charity. | ||
| And he'll just play acoustic in their living room. | ||
| He's an amazing guy. | ||
| The documentary is great. | ||
| They say it's country music, but it's like modern country. | ||
| It's Jason Tebow's favorite band. | ||
| Really? | ||
| It's really good. | ||
| And I'll turn you on. | ||
| What are they called again? | ||
| Wilco. | ||
| Wilco. | ||
| I'll make you a mixtape. | ||
| No, that sounds gay. | ||
| But I'll turn you on to some tracks that you'll like. | ||
| And then once you like those, you'll start getting into it. | ||
| It's definitely something you can get high to, I think. | ||
| Especially Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. | ||
| And so these guys became... | ||
| What's that? | ||
| Foxtrot? | ||
| The first album is Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Bloodhound Gang? | ||
| Yankee Hotel Foxtrot. | ||
| But it's a great... | ||
| I think you'll really like it. | ||
| Dude, Gawker apparently has an article exactly saying what I said. | ||
| What everyone is too polite to say about Steve Jobs. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Oh! | |
| Tweet that shit! | ||
| I'll tweet it. | ||
| I'll retweet it. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's true, too. | ||
| Well, it's unfortunate. | ||
| Whatever, man. | ||
| Nobody deserves to die of pancreatic cancer. | ||
| Fuck yes. | ||
| That's what I'm talking about. | ||
| Sad as fuck. | ||
| It's amazing, man, when your body just fucking gives out and fails you. | ||
| But I do believe, I do believe, not to get on that same vibe, but I do believe in negative energy coming back to haunt you. | ||
| I know that my... | ||
| Could be, but I don't think that's what did him. | ||
| Like I said, I think he worked too hard. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah, I think you red-lined it every day like that guy did, and there's a lot of stress involved. | ||
| You know, put a lot of pressure on himself to be the, you know... | ||
| How many hours do you sleep at night? | ||
| Me? | ||
| I try to get eight. | ||
| I really am a big stickler for that, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I don't think it's good to not get sleep. | ||
| Every time I have and try to burn through the day with no sleep, I feel like shit. | ||
| I make it a priority to try to take naps wherever I can, you know... | ||
| If I can't get eight in a row, I try to get an eight accumulated. | ||
| I think it's one of the most important things. | ||
| Because I know from exercise that you can't exercise and not recover. | ||
| If you do, you're going to burn yourself out. | ||
| You're going to overtrain. | ||
| You need to recover. | ||
| And that's what sleep is, man. | ||
| You have to recover. | ||
| You can't just burn it every day. | ||
| Eventually, you redline your machine too much. | ||
| Shit's going to start breaking. | ||
| Yeah, I can feel mine breaking down. | ||
| Do you get eight hours sleep a night? | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| How close? | ||
| It's hard when you have kids, too. | ||
| I have kids and a puppy. | ||
| It's hard. | ||
| I get up a couple times a night with someone having a nightmare or the dog just fucking wanted to eat my face. | ||
| Even on the road now, I'm in that habit of fall asleep, wake up, fall asleep, wake up. | ||
| But I also, I think I get that thing, that sleep apnea shit. | ||
| Of course you do. | ||
| And that has been a big proponent of me working out, trying to get skinnier on the road. | ||
| I've been in bed where you're like... | ||
| You're like, what the fuck? | ||
| My body just almost died, and I'm sleeping through it. | ||
| Well, you can die, too. | ||
| Some big football player died just a couple of years ago. | ||
| Some big, heavy dude. | ||
| He's in his 40s, early 40s. | ||
| Died of sleep apnea. | ||
| Just stopped breathing in the middle of the night. | ||
| I used to sleep a lot, and now I want to get better sleep. | ||
| Well, get in shape. | ||
| The real thing, man, is the alcohol. | ||
| Your alcohol, every time you're drinking a beer, you're drinking a ton of negative calories. | ||
| It's just empty, empty shit. | ||
| Positive energy. | ||
| But I burn. | ||
| I think I'm not... | ||
| Calorie-wise, I think I go through those. | ||
| Well, if you want to lose weight, that's the big thing. | ||
| Those are empty calories. | ||
| I mean, if you want to lose weight, it's so simple. | ||
| Eat a vegetable-based diet. | ||
| Eat a plant and vegetable-based diet. | ||
| Eat very few starches, but a lot of salads, a lot of really healthy, fresh, organic vegetables. | ||
| Drink a shitload of water, and the weight will fly off your body. | ||
| Eat as much salad as you fucking can get into your mouth. | ||
| Eat it to the point where you're completely stuffed. | ||
| You couldn't have another bite. | ||
| I mean, it's gross. | ||
| Nobody wants to do it. | ||
| You want to have cheeseburgers. | ||
| You want to have pizza. | ||
| That stuff's all delicious. | ||
| But that stuff takes a fuck of a lot to break down. | ||
| And all the shit that we have that has corn syrup in it and all the shit that we have that has all sorts of crazy carbohydrates. | ||
| It's so easy to get fat. | ||
| The American diet is absolutely brutal. | ||
| And that beer shit doesn't even help him. | ||
| But it's fun! | ||
| That's the problem. | ||
| What am I going to do? | ||
| Am I going to sit and read? | ||
| Yeah, you do that too. | ||
| I've been sober for big long stretches and I just go, so what, go to the movies again? | ||
| Like, what do we do tonight? | ||
| We're just not going to talk and we'll just sit here and each read a book? | ||
| But you have a couple glasses of wine, and you and your wife are talking. | ||
| Yeah, you're having a party. | ||
| It's like, hey, you want to open a bottle of wine for dinner? | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And then all of a sudden you have a bottle of wine, and she's like, you're never going to believe what happened with Isla today. | ||
| And then you start laughing, and then... | ||
| But we definitely have sober dinners, and you're like, do you want to play Scrabble tonight? | ||
| She's like, yeah. | ||
| And you're like, Scrabble. | ||
| So you like your drunk dinners better? | ||
| Fuck yes. | ||
| How many nights a week are you getting lit up? | ||
| Me? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like, in real? | ||
| In real? | ||
| Like, seven. | ||
| Seven nights a week you're getting lit up? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Wow. | |
| Like, not lit up, but definitely, I would say by your standards, if you were sitting next to me as my bodyguard in Mexico, you'd definitely be like, he's lit up. | ||
| How many drinks are we talking about every night? | ||
| No, I don't know. | ||
| I can't, like, ballpark it that way. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Five? | |
| Six? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| I mean, I could do... | ||
| Hey, let's not lie, but... | ||
| What's a light day? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If I have like four beers, I won't even feel it and I'll just go to bed. | ||
| How dare you, sir? | ||
| Four beers, yeah. | ||
| Four beers and I'm like fucking done. | ||
| Wow, every night, man. | ||
| I wouldn't worry about that. | ||
| If I was doing that every night, I would worry. | ||
| If I was getting lit up every night. | ||
| Yeah, but we could... | ||
| Fucking seriously. | ||
| Why are we doing this? | ||
| Can we go back to Ryan? | ||
| Yeah, I don't know. | ||
| We just got on a subject. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| So you don't drink every day, is what you're saying? | ||
| No, I mean, like I said, I don't think there's anything wrong with a couple drinks every day if you want to do it. | ||
| Yeah, a couple, the regular guy, is probably four to me. | ||
| Yeah, but you're going to pay for that. | ||
| Pay for what, though? | ||
| Health. | ||
| Like liver-wise? | ||
| Sure. | ||
| So it's taking 27 fish oil pills a day. | ||
| Doesn't that fuck up your liver? | ||
| No, it doesn't fuck up your liver. | ||
| Fish oil is food. | ||
| But you're taking so much supplements, that could fuck up your liver. | ||
| Wait, hold on. | ||
| I get my blood checked. | ||
| I know what I'm doing in my blood. | ||
| I know, you do. | ||
| It doesn't fuck your blood up. | ||
| It doesn't fuck your liver up. | ||
| Alcohol, a lot of people deal with alcohol. | ||
| It's way worse than vitamins, bro. | ||
| Vitamins are just food. | ||
| It's just broken down food. | ||
| It's not hard for your body to process them at all. | ||
| That's a complete misnomer. | ||
| It's just not true. | ||
| Yeah, but if you're doing, like, I don't know... | ||
| If you have toxic levels of vitamins, yeah. | ||
| There's certain things that, like, fat-soluble vitamins that you could have, you know, and you take too much of them and they get into your system. | ||
| But if you're getting your blood checked, you know what you're doing. | ||
| If you know what your dosage are... | ||
| I get my blood checked once a year by my liver with beer. | ||
|
unidentified
|
You should. | |
| Everybody should. | ||
| I go to a checkup once a year, and my four beers aren't pounded back to back to back. | ||
| Just over the course. | ||
| Well, you go do the first show, have a beer. | ||
| Second show, have a beer. | ||
| And then have a couple beers after the show. | ||
| And I definitely will say that I drink, I would say, more than the average American, 100%. | ||
| But I have a different lifestyle than the average American, and I also spend my time differently than the average American. | ||
| I'm not going to... | ||
| I'm all for anything that you do that might not be so good for you that sort of kind of enhances your life. | ||
| And I think alcohol falls into that. | ||
| You know? | ||
| I mean, if that's what you choose to do... | ||
| Look, all of my favorite people have either had problems with drugs or could have a problem with drugs or I wouldn't be surprised. | ||
| So are you an Alcoholist Anonymous right now? | ||
| You're not telling anyone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I have a Heineken. | |
| This is a Heineken, you fucker. | ||
| Why are you so angry about alcohol? | ||
| You know why? | ||
| Because Joey Diaz told me you were angry about alcohol recently. | ||
| When someone has a point of view on something, it doesn't mean they're angry on it. | ||
| I just said that I think that alcohol is probably worth it because it enhances your life enough to balance out whatever damage it's doing to your body. | ||
| You know, I think some of the most fun times I've ever had has been buzzed. | ||
| I went with Aubrey. | ||
| We went to a country western bar in Houston after the show on Thursday night or Friday night, rather, in Houston. | ||
| We had a great fucking time and the booze was flying. | ||
| We were doing shot So why not do that every night? | ||
| Because I don't think it's healthy. | ||
| Yeah, but if you didn't have kids, would you do it every night? | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| Your body suffers, man. | ||
| If you get hammered every night, I believe that your performance suffers. | ||
| I know it suffers because I know my sets suffer. | ||
| If I have a hangover, my sets on stage, they're not as good if I'm hungover. | ||
| I'm funny or hungover. | ||
| Hungover, you're funny. | ||
| Drunk, I'm funny as shit. | ||
| No, drunk, I'm not funny. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Drunk, I'm not funny. | ||
| Drunk, I'm rambling and I don't know where I'm going. | ||
| I don't mean like hammered. | ||
| I mean like I got a buzz. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| But if I'm hungover and I have a cup of coffee, man, my brain fires weird and it's funny as shit. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| That's interesting. | ||
| I think I enjoy being hungover more than I enjoy being sober. | ||
| See, I think right away when I'm hungover, I always think, what did you do, stupid? | ||
| Look what you did to your body, dummy. | ||
| I'm always unhappy with myself. | ||
| You know what I say? | ||
| I go, buddy, let's get it back up. | ||
| We know what we did to ourselves. | ||
| We're on the same team here. | ||
| Let's have a cup of coffee if we need to. | ||
| We'll do it. | ||
| Let's fucking right this boat. | ||
| Well, most of what I do is try to get a light workout in and drink a shitload of water. | ||
| Fucking totally work out? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And if I work out, it's gone. | ||
| The hangover is gone. | ||
| Really? | ||
| 100%. | ||
| Never throw up, never throw up from hangover. | ||
| Never. | ||
| Workout too hard, though, you could jack yourself. | ||
| I've done that, too. | ||
| I've been hungover and decided I'm just going to get a crazy workout in and just fucking blow it out, and then I'm just useless. | ||
| Then it just kills me. | ||
| That's dangerous. | ||
| No, I don't... | ||
| Obviously, I'm talking about ellipticals on a fucking hotel room. | ||
| Even that, man. | ||
| Let me tell you something. | ||
| Elliptical machine, if you do it at a high level and you do it at a lot of intensity, you should see... | ||
| I do an elliptical workout, a 40-minute elliptical workout, dude, where I have it all set up where the first three minutes it's pretty light and then the second two minutes I pick up the pace and then I go through these intermittent sprints where I get up to whatever the level is that's the highest. | ||
| I'll jack it up to the highest and do like a one-minute wrestling match of death with that fucking elliptical machine. | ||
| And then I'll drop it down to like half the speed and I sprint. | ||
| And it's a brutal, brutal workout to the point where when I'm done, sometimes my fucking hands are numb from gripping the poles. | ||
| I'm shaking. | ||
| My heart's pounding. | ||
| I've been drenched with sweat. | ||
| When I was in Hawaii the last time I did it, I had puddles to the left and to the right of me on an elliptical machine. | ||
| You could get a fucking ferocious workout on an elliptical machine. | ||
| You just got to do it like a madman. | ||
| You can't do it like a pussy. | ||
| Like Judah Friedlander. | ||
| Judah Freelander? | ||
| He does a beast of a workout on an elliptical. | ||
| Does he really? | ||
| You almost think he's making fun of people working on an elliptical. | ||
| You're like, what the fuck? | ||
| Is he doing it for comic relief? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Buy himself in a crunch. | ||
| He's going to do the podcast soon. | ||
| So is Dave Attell. | ||
| Dave Attell's doing it. | ||
| Shut the fuck up. | ||
| Yeah, the last Tuesday in October he's going to be doing it. | ||
| Dave Attell is one of the best. | ||
| His management contacted me. | ||
| It's so funny. | ||
| But I don't think Dave has an email. | ||
| He doesn't have an email? | ||
| I don't think so. | ||
| I wouldn't be shocked if he didn't have an email. | ||
| I wouldn't be shocked if he, you know, Todd Glass doesn't have an email. | ||
| Like, I wouldn't be shocked. | ||
|
unidentified
|
What? | |
| No, Todd Glass doesn't have an email. | ||
| I don't even think Todd Glass has a cell phone. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| I think that's true because Todd Glass and I spoke on the phone once and he was like excited to get me on the phone and I think he said something crazy like I don't have a cell phone or I'd give it to you. | ||
| No, right. | ||
| So weird. | ||
| Maybe I'm wrong about this. | ||
| No, no, no, no. | ||
| You're accurate because I've heard that. | ||
| But Etel doesn't run as... | ||
| Like his Twitter is like, please see Dave at... | ||
| And his MySpace back in the day was like that. | ||
| And Dave just isn't that guy. | ||
| Nor McDonald's like that. | ||
| Yeah, those guys are like old school in the sense that they didn't see the benefit to wasting their already valuable time. | ||
| Because they were famous before the whole internet shit blew up. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, you're different in that you put out a... | ||
| Your brand... | ||
| I was thinking about this the other night. | ||
| I was like, your brand has been your... | ||
| Was your brand well... | ||
| Right when the internet started. | ||
| Like your fucking... | ||
| Your website with the aliens and the fucking... | ||
| And your blog. | ||
| I mean, how long did you keep up with a fucking blog? | ||
| I've been writing a book, so I haven't written a blog in forever. | ||
| For those asking, I had a problem with a disagreement with the people that wanted to publish the book. | ||
| They wanted to do it different. | ||
| And my vision was to do my way of looking at the world intertwined with the things that I've learned about how to control myself and operate through life and the perspective that I've gained on how bizarre and strange just life is in general. | ||
| It's a very weird book. | ||
| But a lot of it is really funny, but a lot of it is just really strange. | ||
| And when I brought it to them, they didn't like the really strange stuff at all. | ||
| Then they don't know who you are. | ||
| Yeah, they actually wanted me to do my stand-up. | ||
| They said, why don't you take your stand-up and just transcribe it? | ||
| And I was like, I'm gonna send you some blogs. | ||
| You gotta read my shit. | ||
| And they're like, this is brilliant writing, we love it, but it's really not funny. | ||
| You're not trying to be funny. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, but there's some of them that are funny. | ||
| Like, these two I'm sending you aren't. | ||
| Here, I'll send you a funny one. | ||
| We like this one. | ||
| Can you make them all like this? | ||
| And I'm like, no, I can't make them all like this because sometimes there's some shit that I'm thinking of or I wanna talk about that isn't funny. | ||
| It just happens to be bizarre. | ||
| But that is the business of someone buying into the brand of Joe Rogan not knowing what the brand is. | ||
| I don't believe in a brand, man. | ||
| You totally are a brand, though. | ||
| I mean, I don't believe in a brand either. | ||
| I always believe... | ||
| But your brand... | ||
| I mean seriously out of all the fucking comics I could want their brand to be, your brand is always reinventing itself. | ||
| It's always something new. | ||
| It's whatever you find interesting. | ||
| Whether it's fucking – back in someone who's a fan of you on news radio, it's MMA. | ||
| Then it's the podcast. | ||
| It's marijuana. | ||
| It's DMT. | ||
| It's all these interesting fear factor. | ||
| Fear factor, if you were going to put the brand of the new Joe Rogan out – The new brand would not go back to Fear Pactor, but you say, hey, I fucking like that show. | ||
| It was a fun show to shoot. | ||
| I love those people. | ||
| And it was a good show. | ||
| That's the brand. | ||
| It's always reinventing itself. | ||
| To be a brand where you go, I'm not going to say, I'm the Mexican comic that always has the Mexican parents that do the Mexican things. | ||
| That's what you're thinking of brand. | ||
| When you say, I don't want to believe in brand. | ||
| Yeah, well, I'm just myself. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| It seems weird to call that a brand when you're just yourself. | ||
| Yeah, but despite what you believe, and I only know this from going on the road and running into people that are fans of your podcast, there are a lot of people like you. | ||
| Yeah, of course. | ||
| That's one of the more interesting things about this podcast is that all of us are reaching out to a bunch of people out there that don't know anybody like us, but think like us. | ||
| And they're surrounded by a bunch of fucking morons and think in a completely different way, and it's stifling. | ||
| It's stifling, and it's depressing, and it just doesn't give them any hope. | ||
| And I can't tell you how many times we've been on the road. | ||
| And just this weekend in Houston, I talked to, I don't know how many, literally hundreds of people who told me that it changed their life. | ||
| They're like, dude, it changed my life. | ||
| It changed my life. | ||
| Because they don't have it. | ||
| No one is representing that point of view out there in the media. | ||
| You couldn't do it on a regular mainstream radio show. | ||
| It's impossible. | ||
| You couldn't do it on a television show. | ||
| But despite that, you couldn't even reach out to the people that are listening to you when they're listening to you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| A dude's got his headset in his ears at Target Sunday. | ||
| And I get out of the car with my wife and he goes, holy shit, takes it out. | ||
| I had a power lunch with Alex Jones, Brendan Walsh, Doug Benson, and Joey Diaz, and Aubrey from... | ||
| You know, Onnit Labs, and four dudes from my message board. | ||
| We had this power lunch, and we were all sitting in this Mexican place, drinking margaritas before the fights, and eating burritos. | ||
| And it was just like, I got some videos of it, some of them I can't show, because Joey Diaz doesn't want me showing some of the things he said that were absolutely hilarious, but he doesn't want to get in trouble. | ||
| But while we were having this lunch, Alex Jones had the best point ever. | ||
| He goes, You could take a TV camera, turn it on a guy, and him and his buddies smoking a bong, and it'd be the number one show on CBS. Put it on at 8 p.m. | ||
| at night. | ||
| That's what people want to watch. | ||
| Your podcast is that. | ||
| That's what people want to watch. | ||
| And I was like, you really could. | ||
| If they had a fucking show, if some people and their buddies, if they were funny, they were really funny guys, and it was just a bong and a table and a room and a living room, and they're all sitting around shooting the shit, and they're all intelligent. | ||
| It'd be the number one show. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And you're like, and just call it Four Guys Smoking a Bong. | ||
| Four Guys in a Bong. | ||
| Four Guys in a Bong. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It'd fucking hit show. | ||
| I'd at least tune in once to see what they talked about, and then I'd tune in again because I'd go, oh shit, they just figured out that if they tied the bong to a string on the roof, they could swing it back and forth to each other. | ||
| Well, there's more of those people out there than you would think. | ||
| There's more people out there like those four guys in a bong than you would think. | ||
| And that's something like what the podcast reaches. | ||
| And that's why, you know, you've never had a venue like that before. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You've never had a connection like that with all those people. | ||
| They want you. | ||
| They didn't know you were there. | ||
| And now they're happy they found you. | ||
| You're one of them. | ||
| It's like discovering a good band and you go, God, I was the first one to find out that band. | ||
| Yeah, but then when you come mainstream, they fucking hate you. | ||
| Wait till you get your first Comedy Central special and you start selling out arenas that are mad at you. | ||
| I remember when he was the machine, dude. | ||
| I was there in the early days, man. | ||
| People love to have something. | ||
| That's a problem I have on my message board sometimes. | ||
| People love to be the people that know about it first. | ||
| It's like new people will come on and then just relentlessly torture the new people for being new. | ||
| I've given up on my message board. | ||
| I just can't do it anymore. | ||
| It's kind of negative lately, right? | ||
| Yeah, it's like, you know what? | ||
| I'm trying not to be on the internet as much anymore. | ||
| Just to stop dealing with all the negative shit? | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Because it's like, you know what? | ||
| I need to check out tech news. | ||
| I need to do this and that. | ||
| But I'm kind of done with the sharing any more than I do already. | ||
| What do you mean sharing information? | ||
| Yeah, like, I'm tired of letting people know who I am a little. | ||
| But you put it all out there so far. | ||
| I know, but I've... | ||
| Who you're dating, pictures of you. | ||
| Yeah, but I've kind of gone back a lot more than normal. | ||
| I'm not really doing it... | ||
| Like, I check Twitter maybe once, twice a day now. | ||
| Facebook, forget about it. | ||
| It's because you're becoming famous. | ||
| And as you're becoming famous, you're dealing with a higher and higher volume of haters. | ||
| You stay in bed longer when you're famous, I've noticed. | ||
| You get a lot of haters, man. | ||
| There's a lot of people that get upset at you and feel like somehow or another they should be doing what you're doing. | ||
| That is accurate? | ||
| Yeah, there's some haters out there, man. | ||
| And if you're online all the time, you're going to deal with those people. | ||
| They're going to run into you and they're going to fucking throw up shit on your Twitter and you're going to look at it. | ||
| But the good news is it's good to know that people like that exist. | ||
| And just hit that block button and move along. | ||
| I don't even fuck with them. | ||
| Do you block people? | ||
| No, I don't block anyone. | ||
| You don't block anybody? | ||
| No, because then if they... | ||
| Oh, people spam, dude. | ||
| I've had crazy people spam my entire timeline with like 10 messages in a row, and you're like, okay. | ||
| And then you block them, they come back as a different name. | ||
| It's like a never-ending story. | ||
| It's so dumb. | ||
| Yeah, dude. | ||
| I wonder how many people are actually trolling out there. | ||
| I always think it's like one dude has been trolling me forever. | ||
| I know Tom Segura's trolling me. | ||
| Tom Segura just called me today. | ||
| Why is he trolling me? | ||
| Yeah, he told me he was trolling you. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I know he is. | |
| I know he is. | ||
| About what? | ||
| Because this... | ||
| Okay, you ready? | ||
| I'm going to find this girl. | ||
| She's got it tweeted me in the past two seconds. | ||
| Because I know this is not a real person. | ||
| Oh, he's tweeting you with a girl? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Alright, here's her name. | ||
| I'm not going to tell you her name, but here's what she tweeted me. | ||
| Oh, here's her profile. | ||
| I love Burt Kreischer. | ||
| Get to meet Burt in February. | ||
| I love Zach Baggins. | ||
| Great to get to meet him in November. | ||
| And I was the first reply of Burt Kreischer. | ||
| This is what she writes. | ||
| And then she goes, or maybe Zach Baggins, I don't know. | ||
| She said, today I got the one she got. | ||
| She goes, your birthday's coming up. | ||
| I'd love to give you a virtual blowjob. | ||
| And I was like, and love you, miss you, sweet. | ||
| Like, I know it's not a real fucking person. | ||
| How do you know? | ||
| It could easily be a real person. | ||
| She's listening right now. | ||
| Oh, she's tweeting you? | ||
| Nope. | ||
| She goes, I believe it's vice.com. | ||
| Awesome podcast. | ||
| Can't wait to meet you, sexy machine. | ||
| So she's totally listening. | ||
| I just thought you were... | ||
| Sorry, I thought you were not a real person. | ||
| She could easily be real. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's actually my girlfriend. | ||
| There's a lot of people out there that are looking for someone to fixate on, buddy. | ||
| They're looking for someone to just lock their sights on. | ||
| Please find a pic of flying dildos, and until then, I'll visualize it in my head. | ||
| Forever, as I finger-blast myself. | ||
| This must be a real person. | ||
| I totally thought this was a fucking one of my friends. | ||
| Dude, you're hilarious. | ||
| Why wouldn't you think you'd have someone obsessed with you? | ||
| Because... | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| You're the fucking machine, bro. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shut up. | |
| Stop that. | ||
| You're hilarious. | ||
| I'm getting this on the toilet saying, so your birthday is November 3rd. | ||
| Let me just say I'll give you the best virtual blowjob you've ever had. | ||
| Love you. | ||
| Like, I just go, that can't be... | ||
| That's Tom's the girl fucking with me. | ||
| Why would you think that? | ||
| I would think that's a crazy person. | ||
| Because it's so beating. | ||
| It's got to be someone fucking with me. | ||
| Why would you think that? | ||
| I think there's just some girl out there that wants to suck your hog. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| You're a fellow bear. | ||
| Dude, you're so crazy. | ||
| I guarantee you there's a girl... | ||
| Listen, ladies and gentlemen, this is your next task. | ||
| Fuck no! | ||
| When you see Bert Kreischer... | ||
| When you see Burt Kreischer at a comedy club, just say, Burt, I would love to suck your hog. | ||
| And you could qualify that if I wasn't married, if I didn't have a boyfriend, if I didn't know you weren't married. | ||
| Burt, I'd love to suck your hog. | ||
| Stop being so hard on yourself. | ||
| No, no, it's not hard on myself, but if you read these tweets, I believe they're... | ||
| She's a crazy person who's fixated on you. | ||
| You're a hilarious guy, and she's enthralled by your talent, and she wants to put your hog in her mouth. | ||
| No. | ||
| Why is it so hard to believe? | ||
| What are you knowing, man? | ||
| Is this real? | ||
| It's fucking real. | ||
| Come on, man. | ||
| I'm wondering. | ||
| No, not that. | ||
| I'm talking about you being... | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| Someone saying that to me online, out of all the fucking 20-30,000 people that follow me, the one person that says that, I go, alright, this is Tom Segura. | ||
| Because no one said that to me all day. | ||
| It seems like fake humility. | ||
| I'm going to be honest with you. | ||
| Bullshit! | ||
| I want you to know, if it's not fake humility, that you're crazy. | ||
| Because you're hilarious. | ||
| You should expect... | ||
| I get good emails. | ||
| Don't get me wrong. | ||
| I get good tweets of like, hey, you're really funny. | ||
| I love you on the podcast. | ||
| You're great. | ||
| When are you going to go back on? | ||
| Why don't you have your own podcast? | ||
| None of them say, I want to give you a virtual blowjob. | ||
| If I was a girl and I was working in a diner in Dayton, Ohio, and just broke up with my man, didn't have a whole lot going on in my life, but I love that podcast. | ||
| I listen to it on the treadmill every day. | ||
| When Bert Kreischer's on, my God, he is so funny, I almost peed my pants on that treadmill. | ||
| You know what I did? | ||
| I got on Twitter and I sent him a message. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Woo-hoo! | |
| Woo-hoo! | ||
| I've met some of those people that send you crazy messages and they claw at you and paw at you and try to lick your ear and shit. | ||
| They're out there, dude. | ||
|
unidentified
|
They're real. | |
| Don't you wonder, though, if one of the comics is trolling? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Of course. | |
| And he's like... | ||
| Well, that's real simple. | ||
| Then don't respond to any of them other than, thanks! | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I get these and I want to reply to her all the time and go, hey, thanks for the virtual blowjob, but... | ||
| Do you know dudes who are obsessive? | ||
| We all do. | ||
| We know dudes who are obsessive about pussy. | ||
| And I have some friends that I've thought about trolling. | ||
| I have some friends that I'd love to put the boots to. | ||
| I would have to accumulate a lot of photographs of the same girl, though. | ||
| Because I'm going to have to set up. | ||
| If I'm going to do a real troll, you've got to accumulate a bunch of photos. | ||
| Didn't they do that to a hockey player? | ||
| I think there was a hockey player who got in a brawl. | ||
| I don't remember the full story. | ||
| But a bunch of his teammates trolled him with a fake account on MySpace and saved all his messages and then posted it online or something like that. | ||
| That movie Catfish is all about that. | ||
| What is Catfish? | ||
| I heard it's funny. | ||
| No, it's not funny. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's creepy. | ||
| Not funny. | ||
| Good. | ||
| Guy meets a girl online. | ||
| Did you ever have that problem where you say things are funny? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Because it's a comic? | ||
| Like, oh, it's really funny. | ||
| That's your knee-jerk reaction? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| If something's good, it's funny. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| How's that funeral? | ||
| Hilarious. | ||
| Oh, it's funny. | ||
| Oh, it's good. | ||
| I mean, shit. | ||
| I mean, shit. shit. | ||
| And then his mom's like, she's in rehab. | ||
| And she's like, really? | ||
| And he's like, yeah. | ||
| And he's like, is there something you don't want to tell me? | ||
| By the way, if you haven't seen the movie, stop listening right now. | ||
| Oh, I haven't seen the movie. | ||
| Don't tell me anymore. | ||
| It's good. | ||
| Scary? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Okay, don't say anymore. | ||
| Romantic? | ||
| Did you see Red State? | ||
| No. | ||
| You've got to see Red State. | ||
| There's a movie that's a very interesting case where I went to see it. | ||
| I really recommended it very highly. | ||
| It's a Kevin Smith movie that really takes you for a loop. | ||
| Totally didn't expect it. | ||
| I thought it was going to be a comedy. | ||
| Red State is with Bruce Willis? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| That's the one with Tracy Morgan you're thinking of, the cop movie. | ||
| Oh no, I was thinking of one of the Hella Mirren and all that. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Red State is a new movie that Kevin Smith made and he released it on his own. | ||
| He did the whole thing on his own. | ||
| Shut up. | ||
| Yeah, he's putting it in just a few theaters so it can be considered for Oscar nominations, especially for Michael Parks. | ||
| He's a guy who plays this... | ||
| He's incredible. | ||
| He plays this preacher in the movie. | ||
| But it's interesting. | ||
| I fucking loved it, man. | ||
| I thought it was a great movie. | ||
| But I look at the ratings online. | ||
| 6.5 out of 10. And I talked to a lot of people. | ||
| And a lot of people loved it. | ||
| And a lot of people didn't like it at all. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I was shocked. | ||
| What's the premise? | ||
| It's kind of a convoluted premise. | ||
| But it's all about religious people without giving away too much. | ||
| It's all about crazy religious people. | ||
| And the fucking chaos ensues. | ||
| Gunfire. | ||
| I fucking loved it. | ||
| I love those. | ||
| It's a very Tarantino-esque movie. | ||
| It's a very, you know, you never know what the fuck is going to happen movie. | ||
| And I enjoyed the shit out of it. | ||
| What's your opinion? | ||
| I've been curious about the Hank Williams Jr. with Monday Night Football debacle. | ||
| Look, man, people compare someone to Hitler all the time, but when you're on Monday Night Football and you start comparing a Republican playing golf with Obama like Hitler playing golf with Benjamin Netanyahu, first of all, that's a weak sentence. | ||
| That's a stupid thing to say. | ||
| It's dumb. | ||
| Why would you... | ||
| Really? | ||
| He's trying to go for a bold statement. | ||
| He's not saying shit. | ||
| It's just too stupid. | ||
| Here's the thing. | ||
| It's like Martin Luther King playing with a negative person. | ||
| I don't think he should be fired. | ||
| I think they're ridiculous. | ||
| He should just say, sorry I said that. | ||
| And that should be the end of it. | ||
| It's just, he's not a bad guy. | ||
| He just said something that was dumb. | ||
| You know, I mean, he's probably a Tea Party dude. | ||
| He's probably a conservative Republican. | ||
| I mean, he's a country boy can survive guy. | ||
| You know, so he probably thinks in his, I bet if he sat down, you know, somebody like fucking Christopher Hitchens sat down with him and had him break down what he sees wrong He's not a bad guy. | ||
| You know, Obama and this administration and its involvement overseas. | ||
| I bet every single fucking point would get debunked and it would fall apart right in front of his face. | ||
| I bet he doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about, but it's fashionable right now to say that this country's falling apart because of Obama. | ||
| One fucking asshole, I don't even know the guy's name nor do I care, but he was on Fox News talking about how Obama has done more to hurt this country than 9-11. | ||
| It was the dumbest statement ever because then he goes, you know, if we could have had total victory if we were allowed to, you know, when 9-11 happened, you know, it happened, but then we went after them. | ||
| And we went after them. | ||
| We went after who? | ||
| The fucking Iraqis who had nothing to do with it? | ||
| The innocent Iraqis or the innocent Afghanis who had nothing to do with 9-11? | ||
| Like, what the fuck are you talking about? | ||
| You can say shit like that on TV still. | ||
| You can say shit like that, but you can't call Obama Hitler. | ||
| You can't. | ||
| 9-11 is the next really bad word, though. | ||
| It's shocking. | ||
| Like, this yogurt's 9-11. | ||
| You're right. | ||
| I think he's totally crossed the line. | ||
| But he's a moron. | ||
| He crossed the line on a moron... | ||
| It's a moron premise. | ||
| The premise that this one guy is the one responsible for more bad things than September 11th. | ||
| And he had some fucking crazy thing he was saying about self-reliance. | ||
| I'm no fan of this administration or any administration. | ||
| But I'm also not a fan of people saying stupid shit. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| That's stupid shit. | ||
| Is it though? | ||
| Now that I think about it, if he really wants to talk about what America has done overseas, maybe, I guess, if you want to talk about just the volume of people killed, but you can't attribute that all to Obama. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Do you get to a certain point where you, I mean, how old do you now? | ||
| 38. 38. Do you get to a certain point where you look at guys like Obama and you go, well, that guy is just a few fucking years older than me, you know? | ||
| And this is like my age, people my age are running this whole thing, and who the fuck are they? | ||
| You know, and what is this? | ||
| I started doing that when people would leave my shows, and I'd say, thank you, sir, when they'd say, great show. | ||
| And then I'd go, I'm fucking older than that, too. | ||
| Yeah, I'm a sir, too. | ||
| Yeah, I'm a fucking sir. | ||
| And then I started thinking, man, my friends have had great jobs, lost them, lost their house, and then got good jobs again. | ||
| My friends are grown-ups, but I'm a fucking child still. | ||
| Yeah, well, you're allowed to be. | ||
| You're a comedian. | ||
| You're an entertainer. | ||
| Yeah, 100%. | ||
| I'm totally, like, you know, I'm 100% irresponsible. | ||
| But you know how you, like, look at, when you look at politicians, man, don't you look at them as being something different. | ||
| I always look at them as being older, wiser, more experienced, more educated, more this, more that. | ||
| But then as you get older, and you realize, well, now I'm the same fucking age as them. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know? | ||
| Obama was the guy that pulled the nice secretary over the side. | ||
| I'm sure his first name was like, just tell me who to shake hands with. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Just like everyone else. | ||
| I mean, he's a regular fucking dude. | ||
|
unidentified
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Maybe. | |
| I mean, I don't believe that necessarily. | ||
| I don't think you can get to that high level unless you're compromised. | ||
| I'm over-exaggerating the statement. | ||
| He's like one of us. | ||
| One of us. | ||
| If you get a job at a new place and they put you in your new office and the secretary comes in, she's like, would you like coffee? | ||
| And he's like, look, it's my first day. | ||
| He had to be like that to whoever his advisor was. | ||
| Right. | ||
| You know, when they started unloading shit on him. | ||
| So he's like a guy that you can relate to in a sense. | ||
| A hundred percent. | ||
| Well, I feel like anybody 10 years younger than me and 10 years older than me in that group, I can relate to you. | ||
| I know 10 years ago, I remember that very well. | ||
| And I can imagine 10 years from now. | ||
| So I can relate to that. | ||
| But as I get to an older age, like where I am right now, when I look at it, I'm going to go, I can't relate to any of these fucks. | ||
| These aren't really me. | ||
| They don't represent me. | ||
| These are crazy people. | ||
| They're a spokesperson for corporations. | ||
| I don't know who fucking said this, but it was a brilliant line. | ||
| Some comic said this, that politicians should be forced to wear jackets like NASCAR drivers so you could see their sponsors. | ||
| Oh, that's fucking brilliant. | ||
| It's fucking brilliant. | ||
| I don't know who it was. | ||
| Whoever it was that said that. | ||
| Bravo, sir, or ma'am. | ||
| But you're trying to relate to them on age, when in fact it's not. | ||
| It's not age. | ||
| Well, when I was a kid. | ||
| It's mindset. | ||
| I know. | ||
| You're totally right. | ||
| Ronald Reagan. | ||
| Perfect example. | ||
| He was the president. | ||
| He was the president. | ||
| And he was like 60 years old or something, whatever he was when he was the president. | ||
| And you saw him on TV like, that's a wise guy who's been around. | ||
| Yeah, and he's taking a bullet. | ||
| He fucking can ride a horse. | ||
| He can make a fence. | ||
| And then when he got in trouble with selling arms to Iran, I remember that. | ||
| I remember being like, when he was like, I don't remember. | ||
| I don't recall. | ||
| When he was like, all that on TV and everybody saying, well, Ronald Reagan may be losing his mind. | ||
| He's an older guy. | ||
| And then he did. | ||
| But how bizarre was that when he was on TV saying, I don't remember. | ||
| I don't recall. | ||
| Do you think he really didn't remember? | ||
| Do you think Alzheimer's was kicking in? | ||
| Of course, he had Alzheimer's. | ||
| Did he have it then? | ||
| It's the only disease that doesn't make you remember. | ||
| I think between Nancy Reagan and all the shit he knew, it was probably just a convenient way to check out. | ||
| I wonder if he just faked his Alzheimer's. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Why would he do that? | |
| He said, you know what? | ||
| I know too much. | ||
| The best way to get out of this is just pretend like I'm fucking losing grip. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's so... | |
| You know the best thing about Ronald Reagan? | ||
| Wait, wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. | ||
| Let's go back to Ronald Reagan faking Alzheimer's. | ||
| Did you imagine? | ||
| Nancy Reagan's like, just say no, just say no, just say no. | ||
| He's like, okay, okay, okay, okay. | ||
| I heard you, I heard you. | ||
| What's your name again? | ||
| I heard you. | ||
| Who are you? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Who are you? | |
| Why are you here? | ||
| Where's my pudding? | ||
| He shows up at the front door in his pajamas. | ||
| She's like, Ronald, did you get it out of the house again? | ||
| He's like, I was banging a pussy, but yeah. | ||
| Did you sell arms to Iran? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Did I? I don't recall. | ||
| We should eat shrooms and go to the Ronald Reagan Museum. | ||
| There was a guy named Jamie Tingle when I was... | ||
| Stand-up comic. | ||
| Very famous, very respected comic from Boston. | ||
| Back in 1988, I was just starting out doing comedy, and I was an open-miker, and this was just when the scandal was breaking, and he went on stage, and he goes, Mr. President. | ||
| He goes, Lord knows I've forgotten some things I've done. | ||
| You know? | ||
| You get home, you're hammered, you can't find your fucking keys, you don't know why your windows are open and the air conditioning's on, and it's January. | ||
| And he goes, but here's just a little thing. | ||
| If you ever sell alms to people who hate us, jot it down. | ||
| Jot it down! | ||
| Make a little note. | ||
| Put it on your refrigerator. | ||
| I remember at the time, I was like, that is stand-up comedy. | ||
| With that guy, he just nailed, that is the essence of stand-up comedy. | ||
| It is in a sense, though. | ||
| Because he drew the picture. | ||
| Even you doing the impression of him, I pictured a two-story Boston flat with the windows open and the keys lost. | ||
| I might have even made up all the other stuff. | ||
| I don't remember the bit. | ||
| But that's how those guys worked back then. | ||
| And then you know, because what the best part of that joke is, is at the end, you're like, what's the punchline going to be? | ||
| Write it down. | ||
| Fucking brilliant. | ||
| That is stand-up, right? | ||
| It's like making a point and having it be funny. | ||
| How did you get me from A to B in a way that no one else... | ||
| In a sneaky way. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Yeah, you sneak it in. | ||
| Did you just make a little raindrop? | ||
| An effect? | ||
| I centered you more in that position. | ||
| Did you make a raindrop? | ||
| Has my camera been on these beers this entire time? | ||
| No, it's just on your nipples. | ||
| What do you worry about? | ||
| That stack of fucking beers in front of you? | ||
| It's four, Jack. | ||
| Telling? | ||
| It's four. | ||
| It's nothing, right? | ||
| No, it's four. | ||
| We're having a conversation? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Nothing wrong with it. | |
| Dude, nothing. | ||
| There's nothing wrong with it. | ||
| I told you. | ||
| It's worth it. | ||
| Booze is good. | ||
| I have a card I need to give you, though. | ||
| The doctor will help you out. | ||
| A card? | ||
| Oh, we're indoctrinating you. | ||
| Oh, what's that? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| He's pretending that this is an intervention. | ||
| He's pretending. | ||
| Alright, you gotta pee, Brian? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Okay. | ||
| Brian, why don't you go pee, then? | ||
| I've already peed once. | ||
| I'm tired of peeing. | ||
| You're kind of a little girl. | ||
| I gotta pee, too. | ||
| I gotta pee, three. | ||
| Should we just end this thing? | ||
| Or drink our piss. | ||
| Let's drink each other's pee. | ||
| Wow, Brian, that's gay. | ||
| It's one thing to drink your own pee. | ||
| It's another thing to drink somebody else's. | ||
| That's out of line. | ||
| What's going on, Bert? | ||
| Where are you this weekend? | ||
| Where can you plug? | ||
| I'm in Phoenix. | ||
| Phoenix? | ||
| That's that giant place, huh? | ||
| Yeah, I haven't been there. | ||
| How many people is that seat? | ||
| For me, probably 150 a show. | ||
| That's a giant-ass fucking place, isn't it? | ||
| Yeah, I heard. | ||
| Everyone loves it. | ||
| I think it's like 600. Yeah, the guy who owns the West Palm Improv. | ||
| West Palm, Miami, and Fort Lauderdale. | ||
| Yeah, he owns a lot of them. | ||
| Hollywood, right? | ||
| Hollywood, Florida. | ||
| He owns that one, too. | ||
| Is that Fort Lauderdale? | ||
| What is that one? | ||
| Fort Lauderdale is Hollywood. | ||
| Yeah, it's Hollywood, right? | ||
| And then I'm in Fort Lauderdale. | ||
| The documentary starts filming on Thursday when I leave to go to the date and then it ends in Tampa on New Year's Eve. | ||
| But we're doing all the way up until my New York dates. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| So if people want to find you, it's Burt Kreischer. | ||
| K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R. On Twitter, B-E-R-T-K-R-E-I-S-C-H-E-R. And BurtBurtBurt.com is his website. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| And this weekend, I'm at the Ontario Improv Friday, Saturday, and Sunday with Joey Diaz and Brendan Walsh. | ||
| And we're fired up, bitches. | ||
| And it's almost sold out. | ||
| Did Brendan get back from Austin? | ||
| Yeah, he made it back. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| He made it back. | ||
| He fell asleep. | ||
| Poor Brendan. | ||
| I tried to wake him up. | ||
| We were out drinking the night before. | ||
| And listen, man, you gotta fucking keep a five-hour energy drink on standby. | ||
| You gotta throw cold water in your face. | ||
| You gotta pack before you go to bed. | ||
| Don't try to lie down. | ||
| Don't try to lie down and then wake up five minutes before and throw all your shit in it. | ||
| You'll never do it. | ||
| You gotta learn how to travel. | ||
| Gotta learn. | ||
| Gotta learn. | ||
| Anyway, Brendan's here, and he'll be with us this weekend at the Ontario Improv. | ||
| That's Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. | ||
| And again, that's almost all the shows were half sold out today. | ||
| And that's it. | ||
| We'll be back on Thursday with somebody. | ||
| I've got an author we're going to do and talk about the power of the placebo effect. | ||
| That should be very interesting. | ||
| I thought you were going to say pussy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Pussy! | |
| Brian, what do you got going on? | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Well, do you have a message for anybody? | ||
| Please join my Twitter, Twitter, Redband, or subscribe to us on iTunes, Death Squad. | ||
| We have Brody, Stevens, and Esther have their show now together. | ||
| I put the two misfits of Death Squad together into one show. | ||
| It's working out. | ||
| Nice! | ||
| And follow that on Twitter. | ||
| And that's it, freaks. | ||
| So we'll see you on Thursday. | ||
| Thank you, everybody, for everything. | ||
| And love you, bitches. | ||
|
unidentified
|
See you soon. |
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