July 24, 2011 - The Joe Rogan Experience
01:59:58
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| Speaker | Time | Text |
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| The Joe Rogan Experience Podcast is brought to you by The Fleshlight. | ||
| If you go to JoeRogan.net and click on the link for The Fleshlight and enter in the code name ROGAN, you will get 15% off the number one sex toy for men. | ||
| Did I give you one last time you ran? | ||
| No. | ||
|
unidentified
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I got one for you. | |
| I got one for you. | ||
| My brother. | ||
| Nice tight one. | ||
| Alright, buckle up bitches. | ||
| Michael Chiavello's in the house. | ||
| This will be the spot where I play the music, but I don't have it. | ||
| I don't have it here. | ||
| My assistant is not here, so we're going commando style. | ||
| It's good to be back here, brother. | ||
| Good to see you, my friend. | ||
| Internationally known and locally respected, Michael Chiavello, my pal, my colleague. | ||
| Yeah, you're like... | ||
| We have an interesting friendship. | ||
| There's only a few of us that do this martial arts commentary shit professionally. | ||
| There's a small handful. | ||
| It was cool when I first met you. | ||
| It was cool you're a good dude. | ||
| It was fun to hang with you. | ||
| You too, man. | ||
| We first met Edmonton after your show there. | ||
| It's always nice when someone else does what you do and you actually like them. | ||
| Very true. | ||
| Thank you. | ||
| Yeah, and for sure, no one's better at that K1 shit. | ||
| There's no one better at Muay Thai commentary than you, man. | ||
| You're the best. | ||
| I listen all the time. | ||
| I watch that HD9. I told you, when you got here, when Mike and his wife got here, I was, or his fiancee, rather, I was fucking working out in the garage with his voice on the TV. Yeah, I got it set up so there's a TV back there, and that's all I ever watch. | ||
| Yeah, that's cool. | ||
| Man, your setup out there is insane, man. | ||
| It's so nice to have. | ||
| That's crazy. | ||
| I can never... | ||
| I have no excuse for not being in shape. | ||
| There's a gym right there. | ||
| I can't... | ||
| I don't have to go anywhere. | ||
| Four-size octagon, man. | ||
| Yeah, I just step out of my house and wander into it, man. | ||
| It's nice. | ||
| Man, it's good to be here. | ||
| This has been a long trip. | ||
| It's the final stretch now. | ||
| Michael's thinking about moving here, ladies and gentlemen. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| He might move to the United States of America. | ||
| It's a long way to travel, brother, every two weeks from Melbourne to LA, then wherever we do the shows on HDNet and all the way back home. | ||
| Then when I have to go to Europe, like before I came here, this trip I was in Europe. | ||
| Then last month I was in Europe for Bama. | ||
| How far is it to Europe? | ||
| From Australia to get to, let's say, Italy, where I just was before this trip, 35 hours. | ||
| From the time I left my house to the time I arrived in Rome was like 35 hours. | ||
| Oh my god. | ||
| That doesn't seem like it would be right. | ||
| It seems like you're going the wrong way. | ||
| It seems like there must be a quicker way. | ||
| Can we go the other way? | ||
| Can we go over the pole? | ||
| Spin the world back around like Superman did the other way. | ||
| That's like flying from Sydney to Melbourne by going all the way around the planet. | ||
| Yeah, by going the opposite way. | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| Well, where is it? | ||
| Is there another way to go? | ||
| No, there's not. | ||
| It seems like there would be a way to go that's shorter. | ||
| No, we have to go from Melbourne up to Hong Kong. | ||
| Then from Hong Kong, we switch planes and fly across China, Russia, Siberia, into Europe. | ||
| I need a map of the world to really wrap my head around this. | ||
| I'm going to need to look at a map of the world. | ||
| It's nuts, man. | ||
| We're very far away. | ||
| That's why Aussies travel so much. | ||
| You were just on a holiday recently, and you said you saw a lot of Aussies around. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| The Aussies are traveling because our dollar's good and your dollar sucks, so it's a good time for us to travel. | ||
| Yeah, everything's cheaper at the moment. | ||
| How does that work? | ||
| Man, our dollar's killing your dollar. | ||
| For the first time I can ever remember in my life. | ||
| Well, I never knew whether or not you guys had a strong dollar or a weak dollar, but I'll never understand the dollar. | ||
| I'll never understand... | ||
| No, I don't understand how it shifts and moves, and I don't understand how ours is so strong. | ||
| It's such a small population as well. | ||
| How there's the same amount of people, okay? | ||
| There's the same amount of stuff... | ||
| And then somehow or another, there's not as much money and things are closing. | ||
| It seems illogical. | ||
| It seems like if you look at it just from a pure resource-based standpoint, okay, there's a certain amount of oil, there's a certain amount of wood, there's a certain amount of plastic, a certain amount of material to make things, a certain amount of desire and need for these things. | ||
| So once money gets moving, it pretty much stays moving. | ||
| What happens? | ||
| What is it that creates some giant hiccup that fucks the whole system sideways? | ||
| I mean, if you watch Inside Job or any of these movies on it, you get to find out what it really is and see how deep the corruption is. | ||
| But to a layperson like myself, who knows very little about economics... | ||
| It almost seems like it can't happen. | ||
| But just even countries getting into debt. | ||
|
unidentified
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Like Greece. | |
| Greece is almost bankrupt. | ||
| What do they do when they run out of money now? | ||
| Does someone buy Greece? | ||
| Well, I think we're right there too. | ||
| You know, you guys are on the brink of it as well. | ||
| And what happens when that happens? | ||
| I don't know. | ||
| Your debt's like several trillion dollars. | ||
| Who do we owe the money to? | ||
| That's what I don't understand. | ||
| Who are you borrowing from? | ||
| Is it other countries? | ||
| If every country in the world is in debt, is that the case? | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| That would be the most ridiculous shit ever. | ||
| If that is the case, someone needs to write a book about that. | ||
| The world as bankruptcy. | ||
| Because if that is the case, every country, then we have to figure out who they owe the money to. | ||
| And once you find out who they owe the money to, then you find out the New World Order. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Then you find out the real CFR. Maybe Greece and now America is taking that lesson from Taiwan. | ||
| How to spend too much money and not be able to pay it all back. | ||
| Yeah, we were talking about this before. | ||
| You know, Michael's been doing the K1 commentary forever and all the great K1 events, the Grand Prix's, the K1 Max and the Max Grand Prix's and the finals. | ||
| Fuck, you called some amazing fights. | ||
| But apparently it's just not as popular as it used to be. | ||
| And now they're hurting financially, unfortunately. | ||
| They're hurting big time financially. | ||
| They owe most of their top fighters money. | ||
| They owe a lot of their staff money as well. | ||
| It's just not coming through. | ||
| So without the money to be able to pay fighters, how are they even going to stage a Grand Prix this year? | ||
| How is the Ream going to get to defend the title if you can't afford your Alistair's and your Barahari's and your Semi-Shultz and your Reambo and Bonjasky's? | ||
| God, I really don't see how that isn't a home run if somebody wanted to pick it up. | ||
| You know, and I talked to Dana White about this. | ||
| I said, dude, have you ever thought about buying the K-1? | ||
| And it's like, eh, people don't give a fuck about K-1. | ||
| And it's like, you know, people... | ||
| You know, don't want to see kickboxing and sort of like PK, karate kind of like ruined it. | ||
| Like there's some really good fights, but people, you know, MMA is so huge and so popular that it would almost be like, and I saw his point, it's like almost like creating your own competitor or something like that or building up a business that doesn't exist. | ||
| But their product, though, is pretty much once somebody sees it, then you're hooked on it. | ||
| Yeah, but that's what I'm saying. | ||
| People might say that some kickboxing never took off, or maybe he's not as... | ||
| I know Dana doesn't spend nearly as much time watching kickboxing as I do. | ||
| I'm a huge K-1 fan, and I love watching it. | ||
| I watch it all the time. | ||
| There's guys that don't get into it, like Eddie Bravo. | ||
| Can't get into it, man. | ||
| He goes, I try to watch, and I can't watch it. | ||
| Maybe it's just because I started off in striking base martial arts so I can appreciate the Giorgio Petrosians or the Masatos or those kind of characters. | ||
| But to me, man, how the fuck do you not want the K1 Heavyweight Grand Prix? | ||
|
unidentified
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Exactly. | |
| Has it ever been anything but fucking crazy? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| Every year. | ||
| I don't think I can remember a boring Grand Prix. | ||
| Maybe like 0304 when Remy won it both times and both times he went the distance in every fight. | ||
| Right. | ||
| Every other Grand Prix has been amazing. | ||
| He's an interesting case, isn't he? | ||
| He's so technical. | ||
| He's an interesting guy. | ||
| A lot of fighters don't like him. | ||
| A lot of fighters don't like his personality. | ||
| They don't like what he represents. | ||
| Remy is an interesting guy. | ||
| A gentleman? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Like an absolute gentleman, so well-mannered. | ||
| But then you also have to wonder if that is not just for when it's in public. | ||
| A lot of the fighters don't like Remy. | ||
| I personally like the guy. | ||
| He's a cool guy. | ||
| I don't know if he's a guy I could spend 24 hours with or hang out at nightclubs or parties with. | ||
| Always a gentleman. | ||
| But I never see many of the other fighters hanging out with Remy. | ||
| For the people who don't know what we're talking about, this is K1 deep inside shit, Remy is Remy Bonjowski. | ||
| Who's one of the greatest kickboxers to ever come out of Holland, which is one of the greatest kickboxing centers in the world, where America has really kind of lost touch with kickboxing. | ||
| Holland has really embraced the sport, and it's gigantic over there. | ||
| Guys like, you know, Peter Ertz, guys like Ernesto Hust, and, you know, and... | ||
| Tyrone Spohn, enormously popular. | ||
| Sure. | ||
| Rob Kamen. | ||
| Yeah, Raymond Decker's. | ||
| He's a great friend of mine, Raymond Decker's. | ||
| So there's so many great, great fighters that come out of there. | ||
| They're huge celebrities over there. | ||
| It's a totally different experience. | ||
| Holland's a small country, but their kickboxing is legendary. | ||
| For this one small part of the world, they've produced some of the greatest kickboxers of all time. | ||
| And the respect over there for these guys is very mainstream. | ||
| I mean, two years might have been... | ||
| No, 2008 it was. | ||
| Ernesto Hoos got, like, knighted by... | ||
| I don't know if it's the royal family of the government. | ||
| It must be the royal family of Holland, obviously. | ||
| Got knighted. | ||
| So we were joking in Japan. | ||
| I'm like, Ernesto, do I have to call you Sir Ernesto now? | ||
| But how crazy is that to think a kickboxer gets knighted? | ||
| I mean, could you imagine that happening here? | ||
| In America. | ||
| In America? | ||
| It happening in Britain, even? | ||
| No way Michael Bisping's going to become Sir Michael Bisping anytime soon. | ||
| Maybe. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| In his own mind. | ||
| Popular fella. | ||
| It is unusual, and if fighters want to learn kickboxing in this day and age, there's two places in the world that they travel to. | ||
| They will either travel to Thailand, or they'll travel to Holland. | ||
| It's that simple. | ||
| If you want to learn the genuine art of Muay Thai, which is Thailand's national martial art dating back thousands of years and has long been their military martial art, still is their military martial art. | ||
| You know, you go to Thailand to learn it. | ||
| Any of the great camps over there from Fairtec, Sitchatong, WMC Camp in Koh Samui, and you learn the knees, the elbows, the grappling, and all the Thai techniques. | ||
| If you go to Holland, though, what you're primarily learning is modified Thai. | ||
| It's the punches, the kicks, and the knees with limited clinching and pretty much no elbows. | ||
| You know, they have elbow fights over there, obviously, but the main rules are modified tie, which is knees and no elbows. | ||
| And why did they eliminate elbows? | ||
| Just, I think, for the reason that, you know, the cuts, first of all, stop a very good fight. | ||
| As much as I love seeing a good elbow, there are a lot of times, especially commentating Muay Thai, where I rue having elbows in the sport because I've seen some great battles where two guys are going back and forth, just pounding at each other four rounds We go into the fifth round, you think, oh, this is going to go down to the wire. | ||
| Could be anyone's fight. | ||
| And then some guy throws one elbow that cuts the other dude. | ||
| And the cut may not be that deep, but most times they'll tend to stop a fight. | ||
| Now, if it cuts over the eyes and it's going to run into the eyes, and I've seen perfectly good fights stopped from cuts. | ||
| I see it that way, but I also see it the other way. | ||
| They're so effective. | ||
| If you take them out, you're taking out a part of what makes it a martial art. | ||
| If you're talking self-defense, I believe Muay Thai is one of the best arts you can learn for self-defense. | ||
| It's so complete. | ||
| Self-defense reasons, yeah. | ||
| For entertainment purposes, though, and especially for television purposes, and where you're trying to grow sports, like in Holland back in the day, and in Japan, how they grew kickboxing since Master Rishi invented K1 in 1993. And the thing was all about television ratings. | ||
| You know, K1 used to have a long-time clinching rule where you could put on a Muay Thai clinch and grapple with the guy like you do in Muay Thai. | ||
| Till Alistair came and Bob Sapp came along and guys that could hang on to people and just bludgeon them. | ||
| So now it's like one hand, one clinch, knee and release. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But it's all for television purposes. | ||
| In Thailand, you have to fight with elbows. | ||
| You can't fight modified Thai. | ||
| I mean, there's a lot of rules when you fight a proper sanctioned bout in Thailand. | ||
| You've got to wear the mongkol and the flower shop around the neck. | ||
| A lot of guys wear the praje, the armbands. | ||
| What is the significance of all that stuff? | ||
| It's all superstitious. | ||
| The Thais are very, very superstitious, always have been. | ||
| And usually the mongkol, which is what they wear around their head, looks like a tennis racket. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's compulsory, if you fight for the WMC in particular, which is the world-sanctioning body, to wear a monkol on your way to the ring. | ||
| You have to do it. | ||
| You also have to do the Waikuru Ramoy, which is a pre-fight ritual of a Thai fighter that looks like a dance. | ||
| I suppose a mix between a dance and a yoga routine, almost. | ||
| And... | ||
| What they're doing there is, it's very deep meaning. | ||
| They're blessing their corner and asking the gods to bless their corner, thank their trainer, and also bless the opposite corner and hope that your opponent doesn't get hurt too much. | ||
| And you have to perform this before every single fight, you know, WMC in Thailand in particular. | ||
| And these guys can go for a long time. | ||
| Some of them I've seen have been up to five minutes long. | ||
| You know, it's crazy. | ||
| But it's all part of the beautiful, formal history of the sport that they're maintaining. | ||
| Do you know Sam Sheridan? | ||
| Do you know who he is? | ||
| Sam is the writer of A Fighter's Heart, A Fighter's Mind. | ||
| He's actually married to my friend Paddy and I got a chance to hang out with that dude and talk to him. | ||
| He's a really, really cool guy. | ||
| And he went over there and lived in Thailand and stayed over there for months and had a Muay Thai fight and they documented it for a TV show. | ||
| It was a really fascinating experience, man. | ||
| It's really, really cool to watch. | ||
| He did the full dance. | ||
| Yeah, he did all that before, you know, all traditional, you know, and it was fascinating. | ||
| And he got really set up. | ||
| They set him up with some Yakuza-type dude covered in tattoos who's a badass kickboxer. | ||
| They tried to say that this guy was like an amateur, but the guy wasn't in that good of shape, and he tired out, and Sam got him. | ||
| He got hurt before that. | ||
| He got cracked by this guy. | ||
| And he's, you know, relatively amateur. | ||
| It's crazy over there. | ||
| It's just so popular. | ||
| You know, it's on TV every night. | ||
| It's on Channel 7. It shows a lot of the fights. | ||
| Channel 7 has their own stadium. | ||
| And as you know, in Thailand, it's not so much about being a world champion. | ||
| It's about being a stadium champion. | ||
| And the two main stadiums are Lumpini and Rajdamun Stadium. | ||
| And if you're a champion of either one of those stadiums, you're like the man. | ||
| You know, you're like top of the sport. | ||
| WMC champions, WBC champions. | ||
| It's like, eh, they don't consider them that highly in Thailand. | ||
| If you're a stadium champion, you're the man. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| So is it like, this is my house, and then everybody has to come to fight you in your house? | ||
| Pretty much. | ||
| Defend that title? | ||
| So a stadium champion, like, the stadiums are so popular that a fighter, like, say, Dodger Stadium, the guy would be the Dodger Stadium champion. | ||
| The Dodger Stadium champion. | ||
| And then people would all come together. | ||
| They have a ranking system. | ||
|
unidentified
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Wow. | |
| And then you get to be number one contender and fight so-and-so for the Dodger Stadium title. | ||
| And that's the thing. | ||
| It's huge over there. | ||
| And they start really young, right? | ||
| They start really young. | ||
| Five, six years old. | ||
| Kids are fighting already. | ||
| By the time that they reach 18, 19, 20 years old, they've already had 150 fights. | ||
|
unidentified
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God! | |
| You know, we're commentating Thai guys. | ||
| Sanchai. | ||
| Sanchai saw Kingstar YouTube him. | ||
| He's amazing. | ||
| Does these acrobatic cartwheel kicks. | ||
| You know, former Lumpini and Regimen champion, multiple champion. | ||
| And, you know, commentating him just a fight that he had in Queensland, Australia a few weeks ago against Kurt Finlayson. | ||
| Dude's got like 230 fights, 240 fights. | ||
| I've commentated guys with over 300 fights. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| And that's full-time rules. | ||
| That's knees and elbows. | ||
| And in my opinion, that style is the most effective style for stand-up. | ||
| There's a lot of techniques that you find in other martial arts like wheel kicks and turning sidekicks that are real knockout techniques. | ||
| But if you want to look at one comprehensive package for striking, It's so economical with the leg kicks, the short movements to create big power, the emphasis on power, especially the emphasis on power leg kicks, where they know there's only a certain amount of these you can take. | ||
| Well, you know, there's a lot of flashy techniques, as you said before, in other martial arts, but think about it. | ||
| For a self-defense purpose, if you're in a nightclub and some drunk guy's barreled you up against a wall, You're not going to It hurts, from that position. | ||
| It's amazing how much control they have over you. | ||
| Once you control your neck, like a handle. | ||
| You control the body weight. | ||
| You control the opponent's motion, which is, I'm surprised that actually we don't see in mixed martial arts people utilizing the Thai clinch the way the Thais do and using it for takedowns. | ||
| Yet again, you watch someone like, you know, WMC champion Tan Matsui or Sanchai and you see him lock up When you fought like Kurt Finlayson in Australia, would lock up with Kurt and just wrench him to the canvas. | ||
| And the ties also follow you down onto the canvas, because what they like to do is... | ||
| Drop the weight, drop a knee on you. | ||
| You know, knee your head, knee on the ribcage, on the way down. | ||
| So if you look at that from a mixed martial arts position, these guys are often ending up in a mount almost, if not inside control from this beautiful... | ||
| Wrenching takedown. | ||
| And they can throw even grapplers around with it, man. | ||
| Remember when Anderson got a hold of Rich Franklin? | ||
| Rich Franklin had no idea that Anderson would ever do that to him. | ||
| His thought was that Anderson is going to want to strike with him, so he's going to want to keep his distance. | ||
| When Anderson just grabbed a hold of him and locked those two forearms together, it's like you're caught in a vice grip, man. | ||
| If you're fighting a good Muay Thai fighter, you're not getting out. | ||
| I've seen small ties doing seminars in Australia and watching them train through Throw around big guys. | ||
| You know, you see like a 55 kilogram Thai throwing around a guy that weighs 85, 90 kilos, just ragdolling him. | ||
| It's amazing. | ||
| It's an amazing position. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| People don't utilize it enough. | ||
| But it's one of those things that's going to slowly come over, you know, the real high level versions of it are going to come over into MMA. And then we're going to really see people appreciating it. | ||
| I see, you know, you see the Anderson Silva version of it, but there's some guys out there like Bull Cow. | ||
| That motherfucker grabs a hold of your neck. | ||
| He gets those elbows planted and clips that hand behind the neck. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| You're locked. | ||
| It's like anything else. | ||
| There's levels of it. | ||
| There's the Marcelo Garcia rear naked choke, which is, you know... | ||
| in all due respect, it's not like a Mark Coleman rear naked choke. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| There's levels of the technique. | ||
| Mark Coleman gets your back. | ||
| He's going to squeeze the fucking shit out of you and put you unconscious. | ||
| But he's a gorilla, brute force, power wrestler. | ||
| Even though he knows the technique, he doesn't have it, that laser sharp, effective technique like a Marcelo Garcia, like the highest end Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. | ||
| And that's no disrespect to Coleman. | ||
| It's just like these really super, super technical guys You get a guy who's super, super technical at that clinch and really understands it. | ||
| And the thing is that the Thai fighters, you know, these guys are doing it with 12-ounce, 10-ounce gloves on. | ||
| Just so hard. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, to lock on a clinch like that, so tight the way they do it with these large gloves. | ||
| These aren't mixed martial arts four ounces. | ||
| But they have the benefit of not worrying about someone taking them down. | ||
| Very true. | ||
| That's really what a big, big part of it is. | ||
| And it's like one of the things that I would tell people about Taekwondo. | ||
| Obviously, Taekwondo is not of the most effective martial art, but there's a few things in it that if you get really good at it, you can fuck people up with it. | ||
| And they won't know that you know how to do it because for most people, it's a very, very difficult thing to learn, like spinning hook kicks and head kicks and all those techniques. | ||
| And the reason why people get so good at it in Taekwondo is because in Taekwondo tournaments you can't punch to the face and you can't take a guy down. | ||
| So you only concentrate on all these crazy leg techniques and in doing so you get a level of dexterity that you would never get if you looked at the whole thing. | ||
| So that's like the argument in martial arts and mixed martial arts of being the specialist instead of being someone who's a jack of all trades. | ||
| You know, being someone who's a killer at Muay Thai or being someone who's a killer at one particular aspect of mixed martial arts is way better than being pretty good at all of them. | ||
| The other thing that gets me about, you know, you're talking about kicking in the various martial arts is just how... | ||
| You think to yourself, if you don't know anything about martial arts, you think how many possible ways are there to throw a round kick at somebody. | ||
| But the fact is, there are so many different ways. | ||
| There's a lot. | ||
| Throws a Mawashigeti different than a round kick from Taekwondo. | ||
| Different from a round kick from Shotokan. | ||
| Different from a round kick by a Savat fighter. | ||
| Different from a round kick from a Muay Thai fighter. | ||
| So many different ways that they throw them between the arts. | ||
| And it's amazing how these have adapted over hundreds of years. | ||
| Well, the question mark, Craig, is really just starting to make its way into MMA. I mean, really starting to be more effective in MMA. And this is something that Kyokushin guys have been throwing for decades. | ||
| Taekwondo guys, forever. | ||
| In Taekwondo, we would call it the fake front round kick. | ||
| And basically the idea is that it comes like a front kick and then turns over nowhere and the opponent has no idea it's going to hit his face and those are the ones that really fuck you up. | ||
|
unidentified
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Yeah. | |
| If you want to see them, like YouTube Glare by Fatosa. | ||
| Yes. | ||
| Or Francisco Filio. | ||
| And that's why they called it the Brazilian kick. | ||
| That's exactly why. | ||
| People nicknamed it the Brazilian kick because of those two gentlemen. | ||
| Exactly why. | ||
| Those guys were badass Kyokushin fighters that made their way to K1. Yep. | ||
| They both had that technique down. | ||
| Otherwise known as the upside down kick or question mark kick. | ||
| I love it. | ||
| Brilliant kick. | ||
| And we still don't see the front leg roundhouse kick from Taekwondo style. | ||
| There's a fast Taekwondo front leg roundhouse kick. | ||
| But the thing about a Taekwondo guy is that if you get really good at Taekwondo, you are going to have to be the kind of guy that can stop and look at it and go, okay, but I suck at all these other things. | ||
| Now I've got to go get my ass kicked at something that I suck at. | ||
| Instead of go to the gym and be a hero, now you're going to the gym and you're getting tapped out all the time. | ||
| When you do that lead leg round kick in Taekwondo, are you switching up or are you throwing it off the lead stance? | ||
| Right off the lead leg. | ||
| You slide in. | ||
| You slide in. | ||
| It's got an amazing amount of power. | ||
| And it's very fast. | ||
| It's almost like a fencer coming forward and thrusting the sword at you. | ||
| You skip on that lead. | ||
| You know who used to do it, but he did it Thai style, was Pele. | ||
| Pele had a very good front leg roundhouse kick. | ||
| His was more Thai style. | ||
| He put a little more hip to it. | ||
| More power, I'm sure, if his landed. | ||
| But the thing about the Taekwondo one was you slide in on it. | ||
| And as you slide in on it, it's very effective. | ||
| Very quick technique. | ||
| And like the spinning back kick, I mean, because of a few guys, you know, because of Dennis Seaver, he's got a wicked one. | ||
| You know, a few guys throw it and are really good at the Charles McCarthy knockout. | ||
| Shit, I'm blanking on his name. | ||
| I can't believe I can't remember his name. | ||
| No, I'm stuck too. | ||
| If you want to see the best turning back kick, Mike Bernardo. | ||
| Mike Bernardo? | ||
| No, sorry, Andy Hug. | ||
| When he knocked out Mike Bernardo in the Grand Prix Final. | ||
| Well, Andy Hug had a lot of crazy techniques. | ||
| Dude, that was to the thigh. | ||
| And nobody had ever seen a turning back kick to the thigh before. | ||
| And it was brilliant. | ||
| YouTube, Andy Hug versus Mike Bernardo. | ||
| You'll find it there. | ||
| K1 Grand Prix, you know, final. | ||
|
unidentified
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And... | |
| A fight that nobody... | ||
| A man that nobody thought could get to the top of the sport because Andy Hug was a big-time Kyokushin legend, Sato Kaikan world champion, and, you know, entered K1 as the smallest fighter ever, pretty much, and one of the lightest fighters ever. | ||
| Couldn't box to save his life at the start because, like Taekwondo, Kyokushin never allows face punches in any of their competitions. | ||
| And taught himself how to box and persistence and became the biggest superstar in K1 history. | ||
| And there's a... | ||
| There's a bit of controversy behind him because he got really big. | ||
| He got really physically big. | ||
| And a lot of people are going, okay, like, what's that guy doing? | ||
| Like, that guy just gained a fuckload of weight. | ||
| There was always a lot of controversy. | ||
| It also surrounded Andy's death as well, that the leukemia came on so quickly and so suddenly there's always that sort of little background rumor, well, was it because he was on something, you know, that therefore sped up his process? | ||
| You gotta wonder, man, you know, when you're in such a dangerous environment like K1, you know, K1 is, if you've never seen it, I'm a fucking huge fan of it. | ||
| I mean, it really is almost more gladiatorial than MMA in a way, because these guys have to fight multiple times a night. | ||
| That's one of the few places where they still do it. | ||
| Three fights in one night. | ||
| To win the Grand Prix, you have to fight, and you've got to fight three Semi Schiltz, three Badr Hari, three Remy Bonjaskis, three Gokan Saki's. | ||
|
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Fuck! | |
| Man, it's crazy. | ||
| It's insane. | ||
| That guy's on the up, man. | ||
| Gokan Saki's on the up. | ||
| He is crazy. | ||
| If you want to talk, if you go, look, Gokan Saki, look, and Daniel Gita, he's another one. | ||
| Daniel Gita with those fucking leg kicks. | ||
| Man. | ||
| I did this little video clip with him in Japan a couple of years ago and I said to him at the end of the clip, you know, throw a leg kick to my leg. | ||
| And I go, Daniel, just like really, really light. | ||
| Daniel's a great guy. | ||
| One of the nicest guys. | ||
| Just threw this tip-tap leg kick on me, but I'm like, shit, it hurt for the next three days, man. | ||
| You know, half the reason I didn't want to take that Bata Hari one over in Holland when I did the voice versus Bata Hari. | ||
| You know, a lot of people ask me about that. | ||
| I'm like, well, I was going to take a leg kick off Bata. | ||
| And, dude, his eyes, Joe, his eyes, when he lines up a kick, there's a... | ||
| They change like he becomes possessed. | ||
| His eyes turn shark-like black. | ||
| And I genuinely shit myself. | ||
| So I'm standing there, standing in front of Bata. | ||
| And Bata goes to me, Mikey, have you got insurance? | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, whatever, man. | ||
| He goes, no, no, no. | ||
| Have you got insurance? | ||
| And then Bata's coach, Mike from Mike's Gym, is like, yeah, do you have insurance? | ||
| And they all start talking Dutch to each other with these, like, concerned looks for me. | ||
| I'm saying to my producer, Daryl, what the fuck's What's going on? | ||
| What are these guys talking about? | ||
| You know? | ||
| And Melvin sort of just gives me this look as if to say, don't do it. | ||
| Don't take the leg kick. | ||
| Melvin Manhoof? | ||
| Manhoof, yeah. | ||
| Listen, man. | ||
| When Melvin Manhoof is telling you it's dangerous, a dude who goes into the cage with a dog collar on, a guy who looks like a goddamn superhero in a comic book. | ||
| And I put the pad there and I was ready and then I just shit myself. | ||
| Gave it to Mike Passanier and I said, hell, you take the kick. | ||
| And you can hear the thud, you know, when you watch the show. | ||
| But... | ||
| Dude, that man, Barahari is intense. | ||
| I love the guy. | ||
| He's my favorite fighter. | ||
| That motherfucker is scary, man. | ||
| His eyes just go black. | ||
| Just no emotion in there. | ||
| Yeah, Barahari is no joke. | ||
| He's a terrifying guy. | ||
| He's one of the all-time highest level guys to ever come out of Holland as well. | ||
| Scary. | ||
| Scary. | ||
| Scary skill set. | ||
| You know, the power that he throws to knock people out. | ||
| You see his knockout of, like, Ruslan Karayev, where he puts the nose in that slow motion, like, through the head. | ||
| Crazy. | ||
| Well, we were talking about this before, that he does a lot of stuff that they tell you not to do. | ||
| Like, he swings full power with every shot sometimes, and he leaves himself open because of that. | ||
| But it's like, it's that Mike's Gym do-or-die style, too. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| I mean, Mike hypes these guys up. | ||
| I'm still not sure exactly what Mike says to those guys, but if you ever watch a Melvin entrance or a Bartahari entrance, you see Mike just absolutely skits out of the guy when they're at the top of the catwalk. | ||
| And for some reason, he zones them, gets them in the zone. | ||
| It fucking works, man. | ||
| It's nuts. | ||
| He's one of the best at doing that, about hyping guys up. | ||
| I mean, you can tell those guys believe in him, man. | ||
| That guy's a badass coach. | ||
| Bro, you still got to go to Holland, by the way. | ||
|
unidentified
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I do. | |
| I do have to go to Holland. | ||
| You still got to go to Holland. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I want to go. | |
| Come with me one day, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's a great place. | |
| With all the traveling I do with the UFC and with comedy, it's hard, man. | ||
| It's hard to schedule some other time. | ||
| I'm just hoping that eventually there'll be a UFC in Holland. | ||
| I mean, I think there's some laws against it right now, which is outrageous when you consider their great history in kickboxing that we talked about. | ||
| Holland, politicians, don't be stupid. | ||
| You can make a lot of money, and the world needs to see it. | ||
| You guys are the birth of... | ||
| The greatest form of kickboxing that the world has ever known, in my opinion. | ||
| I mean, I love the Thais, and the Thais created Muay Thai, but I believe that the Dutch took it to the next level. | ||
| They took it to another level. | ||
| You know, guys like Rob Kamen, he took it to another level. | ||
| Ivan Hippelard, Gilbert Ballentine, the pioneers that went to Thailand and fought and brought this stuff back over to Holland, and then took it from there. | ||
| And when you watch Ramon fight, Ramon Decker's fight, and we fought in Thailand, he was doing some shit. | ||
| His hands, you know, that's what the Dutch did. | ||
| They added much superior hand techniques. | ||
| Well, this is the thing with the Thais. | ||
| The Thais always, and still to this day, start very slowly. | ||
| The reason being that in Thailand, they bet on the fights. | ||
| So even while the fight starts, they're still taking bets. | ||
| So traditionally what the Thais would do would be to start very slowly and let the bets come in and not turn on the pace until the third round. | ||
| And still what they do to this day. | ||
| So still, when you find most Westerners fighting a Thai, particularly in Thailand, I always think the best thing to do is just go for their jawline. | ||
| Straight away, bull rush them, go hell for leather on the Thai's jaw. | ||
| Because usually he's going to start very slow. | ||
| He's going to sit back with that style, set his pace to the music. | ||
| And you know, that music picks up in intensity as every round goes on for. | ||
| For those that don't know, Muay Thai, traditional Muay Thai, is always accompanied by music. | ||
| And usually in Thailand, it's a live band ringside. | ||
| They have an oboe. | ||
| They have the little cymbals. | ||
| They have like a fucking thing that looks like a guitar. | ||
| And they play the music... | ||
| It's like a metronome. | ||
| So they set their time to it. | ||
| And as the rounds go on, the music gets quicker and quicker and quicker. | ||
| If you've watched Kickboxer, you know, the movie, you'll see it on there, the music in the background. | ||
| And, you know, the Thais always traditionally start very, very slowly. | ||
| First two rounds can be an absolute fucking cure for insomnia when you're watching Muay Thai, if you don't know what you're watching. | ||
| In the third round, though, these fuckers just turn it up. | ||
| And they start slamming those leg kicks. | ||
| And they're not big combination fighters. | ||
| You know, they just measure with these leg kicks and boom! | ||
| Just chop down with the... | ||
| You know, this arm goes back. | ||
| Which was also one of the big undoings of the ties, too. | ||
| Because the ties always did the chop kicks. | ||
| But they throw the kick so hard... | ||
| Instead of leaving their hand up here, they chop down because they knew that there was not much chance than an opponent because boxing is like the lowest scored technique in Muay Thai. | ||
| They just don't consider boxing very high at all. | ||
| So they don't work on it as much as they do their kicks and their knees and their elbows. | ||
| So the Thais would traditionally chop their hand down to kick with more power and a lot of Westerners used to be able to hook them and be able to pick them off because this hand had come down. | ||
| Nothing to cover the side of the face. | ||
| Whereas now a lot of Western kickboxes you see, and particularly a lot of the Dutch, they'll throw their kick but still manage to keep the forearm up to predict the face. | ||
| So they go with less power and they go with something that they could land and have a better defense. | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| And you've seen someone like Abada Hari that when an opponent throws a chopping kick and chop with their hands, Abada's got that reach to be able to just go up the center, straight right across, and just knock guys out. | ||
| Reach is a huge advantage, man. | ||
| People don't realize. | ||
| When you see a guy like Jon Jones fighting, Jon Jones has got like... | ||
| Man, what a monster advantage that is. | ||
| How do you get inside that? | ||
| I mean, you watch Vitaly Klitschko box. | ||
| How the fuck do you get inside that jab? | ||
| This is why when he fought David Hay, and I was watching it with a mate back home who's British, and he bit on David Hay, and he's like, nah, Hay's going to be too fast and too slick. | ||
| And I said to him, bro, there's no way Hay fucking gets inside that jab to land anything of consequence on Klitschko. | ||
| As long as Klitschko's in shape, and as long as he's in good condition and motivated and has no knee problems so he can move well... | ||
| Your odds are very slim. | ||
| You've got to run in and get that chin really quick. | ||
| Good luck. | ||
| You know, Alistair Overeem recently saying he'd want to box the Klitschko brothers. | ||
| I'm like, are you fucking serious? | ||
| I love Alistair, man. | ||
| One of my favorite fighters. | ||
| But he is getting owned in a boxing fight against Vitaly Klitschko. | ||
| Owned. | ||
| Well, both of them. | ||
| Vladimir as well. | ||
| Vladimir is the more technical boxer. | ||
| Just Vitaly is thought to be the tougher guy, right? | ||
| Vlad used to be a decent kickboxer back in the day. | ||
| Yeah, was he? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Mm-hmm. | |
| They're both assassins, and they're both fucking like doctors. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Right? | ||
| They're both brilliant men, highly educated. | ||
| They speak like five different languages. | ||
|
unidentified
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Eloquent, yeah. | |
| They live in Germany. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| They're fucking, they're scores for like, how many people watch their shows? | ||
| Just fucking insane. | ||
| Insane. | ||
| The ratings for their fights in Germany can't be believed. | ||
| Like, there's no reason for them to ever even consider fighting in America. | ||
| They get seen by like 19 million fucking people over there. | ||
| And that's who the Europeans like. | ||
| An eloquent technical fighter like that pulls in the audiences. | ||
| Going back to Andy Hug, we were talking about before. | ||
| When Andy used to fight and his fights were broadcast on Swiss TV Live, it would outrate the tennis matches of Martina Hingis and outrate the Swiss national soccer team. | ||
| I mean, just fucking extraordinary figures that they used to do. | ||
| And Andy, like the Klitschkos, was well-spoken, clean-cut, highly educated, could speak three or four languages, and there was nothing to dislike about the guy. | ||
| I never got to meet him, but I did get to interview him over the phone probably about two years before he died. | ||
| And just talking to him, he was just... | ||
| Just eloquent. | ||
| Just tell a story without a flinch, without an um and an uh. | ||
| It was just tremendous. | ||
| How old was Andy Hoog when he died? | ||
| He was pretty young, right? | ||
| He was young. | ||
| He was maybe mid-30s when he died. | ||
| He wasn't a very big guy either, was he? | ||
| No, just barely six foot. | ||
| Andy was barely six foot. | ||
| Couldn't box. | ||
| When he was fighting in K-1, he had to fight at heavyweight, right? | ||
|
unidentified
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Correct. | |
| There was only one weight class. | ||
| Only one weight class. | ||
| Open weight. | ||
| So he was fighting guys that were bigger than him. | ||
| You know, Bernardo weighed a lot more than him. | ||
| When he first started kickboxing, what was his weight before he went into K1? No, he was very lean when he started. | ||
| He was like 160-something, right? | ||
| Yeah, I've seen some old photos of Andy, if you've seen his cock-a-shingi and that, very, very lean. | ||
| And then just, you know, put on the size in K1, however he did it, he did it. | ||
| And, you know, learnt how to box, which was a major undoing, because especially back in those days, you're talking 93, 94, 95, 96, a lot of... | ||
| Traditional karate guys weren't cross-training in boxing like they do these days. | ||
| Now, Andy came from strictly a full-contact karate background, which, as we said, no face punching. | ||
| But also, which is why we said why he had such great kicks. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Because dudes couldn't punch you to the face. | ||
| You could get really flashy with your techniques. | ||
| And Andy's main kick was the axe kick. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And the axe kick is extraordinary. | ||
| If you guys who are listening haven't seen it, you know, it's called the axe kick because it comes down and you're like an axe. | ||
| The heel's brought down onto the collarbone or can be brought down onto the forehead and you wind the leg... | ||
| Why up over the opponent? | ||
| And then down it comes. | ||
| One of the most brutal knockouts I ever saw in Taekwondo was this guy, Herb Perez, who went on to win the Olympic gold medal. | ||
| And this was at one of the national championships. | ||
| I believe it was in Ohio back when I was a kid. | ||
| I was just starting to compete on the national level, and he was the champion. | ||
| And he axe-kicked this fucking dude. | ||
| I forget the dude's name, but he was this big, solid African dude. | ||
| The guy was just like a Czech-Congo-looking character, just... | ||
| I wish I remembered his name, because he was a badass guy as well. | ||
| Also won the title at one point in time. | ||
| But he hit him with this fucking axe kick that was so fast. | ||
| Just, bam! | ||
| Slammed the heel into his face. | ||
| And he was the same, man. | ||
| And face-planted it. | ||
| It was like his leg was elasticized. | ||
| The way he would get up to taller opponents. | ||
| You know, the heel is like one of the hardest bones in the body. | ||
| You know, and just, you have that coming down on your collarbone. | ||
| Like, damn. | ||
| It's just got to be so unpredictable, you know? | ||
| And it can be fast, because the trajectory for an execute to travel is a lot of time for a quick opponent to be able to capitalize on. | ||
| Herb Perez was one of those guys that actually thought about getting into MMA, and I think if anybody from the Taekwondo world would have been good at MMA, it probably would have been him, because I got to see him compete a bunch of times. | ||
| He actually knocked out one of my friends. | ||
| He would knock out a lot of guys, and he would punch a lot of guys, too. | ||
| He had a different style, this different real attacking power style of Taekwondo. | ||
| If he learned real boxing and learned how to sprawl, he would fuck a lot of guys up, because the speed of his legs, guys wouldn't have been able to handle those kicks coming at their face. | ||
| They wouldn't know it could get there that quick. | ||
| A lot of it is a timing thing. | ||
| It's just whether or not a guy like that, those high-level Taekwondo guys, if they want to spend the time And learn all that other shit. | ||
| And become an amateur. | ||
| You know, when you get into Jiu Jitsu, I don't care if you're an Olympic gold medalist in Taekwondo. | ||
| You start as a white belt, man. | ||
| Some purple belt mounts you and starts choking the fuck out of you every Tuesday. | ||
| And he keeps going to do you any good. | ||
| And he goes looking for you. | ||
| You think of yourself as this badass. | ||
| You go to the gym and the purple goes, my friend, you want to play? | ||
|
unidentified
|
You want to play? | |
| Because he wants to choke the fuck out of you like he always does. | ||
| That's some humbling shit, and a lot of those guys are not willing. | ||
| Which I think is really, really unfortunate because what made a guy like a Herb Perez, not to use him as an example, but... | ||
| When I was a kid, he was one of my favorite Taekwondo guys to watch. | ||
| He was like an idol. | ||
| So I bring him up. | ||
| But what made him so great is that he figured out how to follow through to the highest level of a particular martial art. | ||
| But the goal is always to be an effective fighter. | ||
| You can say that it's all to compete inside the Taekwondo rule frame, but man, at the root of it, you want to kick some dude's ass. | ||
| And it's hard to accept that you're kicking a guy's ass only because he's not allowed to take you down. | ||
| Because if he was allowed to take you down, well, then he could just fucking do that all day. | ||
| And then your kicks are useless. | ||
| So it's like there's a certain aspect of it that a lot of those guys didn't want to accept. | ||
| They want to still think that they're this assassin. | ||
| When they are, as long as the rules are very specific. | ||
| And that's the thing. | ||
| For seven and a half years, I edited the Australian equivalent of Black Belt Magazine called Blitz Magazine. | ||
| And, you know, writing about all the different martial arts and the traditional arts and we do sequence frames, you know, to show defenses against knife attacks and defenses against boxing and all this sort of stuff. | ||
| And you look back at it now after the, you know, the propagation of mixed martial arts and the popularity of mixed martial arts that exposed so many of the myths. | ||
| And I flick back through some of the old magazines. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck, man? | ||
| This shit just would not work. | ||
| Guys coming out with a knife and you're going to... | ||
| Or guys coming out with a club, you're going to do like a fucking X defense and then, you know, spinning hook to the guy. | ||
|
unidentified
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It's like... | |
| Come on, man. | ||
| Yeah, there was some ridiculous shit going on. | ||
| And a lot of the guys that would believe that shit so much, and this was one of the things that absolutely put me off working for the magazine towards the end, was hating having to write about instructors and how humble they were, and that they had no ego whatsoever. | ||
| And these are the same guys that are ringing you up saying, I want to be on the front cover of the magazine. | ||
| I want a poster of myself inside. | ||
| I want to buy five pages of advertising. | ||
| I want to check the story out and make sure the write-up's good. | ||
| But then you've got to write out humble. | ||
| They're appreciative. | ||
| They are bowing and doing it for very little money. | ||
| It's just sort of gave me a very bad taste for some traditional martial artists that believe a lot of their own hype. | ||
| That said, though, I'm a big fan of traditional martial arts because I love the aesthetics of it as well. | ||
| Well, traditional martial arts are much like any sort of school of philosophy where one person knows more than you and they're going to teach you. | ||
| You're going to get two different types. | ||
| You're going to get true masters. | ||
| And by true masters, I just mean someone who really, truly is a person who has some knowledge and they want to bestow it. | ||
| And that's the life they're living. | ||
| That's the way they're living. | ||
| And you're going to get some charlatans. | ||
| You're going to get a lot of people just like cult leaders. | ||
| You know, there are people out there that I believe that are legitimate spiritual leaders. | ||
| And by what they are, is they're a person that's on a road and they're further ahead than you. | ||
| You know, if the guy's been living at a Buddhist monastery, you know, eating a very raw vegan diet and meditating all day for 10 years, that's an experience that very, very few people have ever attempted. | ||
| And if you hung out with that guy or talked to him, I guarantee you can pick something up from him. | ||
| By that same token, there's a lot of charlatan cult leaders in martial arts, and there are so many of them out there that have- More than not. | ||
| More than not, exactly. | ||
| And the way that the students look up to these guys and put them on a pedestal, it's like they're messiahs, almost. | ||
| And it's a shame to see a lot of instructors take advantage of that just for monetary gain. | ||
| And there's so many of them out there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, I've seen instructors around the world and several stories of instructors who have taken advantage of students, you know, for sexual purposes and stuff like that, just because the control, the seeming mind control they have that they implement in those students, it's cultish. | ||
| It's crazy, man. | ||
| It's really common. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| It's really common, like, if you look up, like, scandals, and there's always things happening in karate schools. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Ultimate power corrupts ultimately, or absolutely, or whatever. | ||
| It is like being in a cult. | ||
| When you have everybody going, yes, sir! | ||
| You can become some asshole and really believe that shit. | ||
| That's the thing that I least liked about Taekwondo when I was a child. | ||
| But, in all fairness... | ||
| That intense, you know, yes sir, no sir, that is what I needed. | ||
| It disciplines you, man. | ||
| I mean, when I have kids, I love to get my kids into traditional martial arts, just for that discipline. | ||
| That rigorous discipline. | ||
| There's levels of respect. | ||
| Like, my taekwondo school that I, I mean, I literally spent my entire life from age 15 until I started doing stand-up comedy. | ||
| That's all I did was fight. | ||
| All I did was Taekwondo and kickboxing and Muay Thai towards the end. | ||
| Muay Thai and kickboxing when I was 22. My last fights were kickboxing. | ||
| But my whole life was all this Taekwondo shit. | ||
| And I would go from this world of very little order, you know, which my life was, to all of a sudden, you know, some guy's fucking screaming at you and, you know, say, yes, sir! | ||
| This whole bowing and this respect thing and then actually becoming a black belt, all of that to me, it forced me into thinking at a higher level. | ||
| It forced me into composing myself, presenting myself on a higher level that I had a higher calling to answer to. | ||
| The funny thing back then as well, I remember talking to you about this when we did The Voice Versus, you know, it was the black belt. | ||
| How much people thought of black belts back then? | ||
| I remember, and I told you this story when I was 12 years old. | ||
| I remember at high school, a kid came up to me and we were talking about karate and being a black belt. | ||
| And he's like, yeah, you know, here in Australia, you're not allowed to be any more than a fifth damn black belt or you're considered a lethal weapon. | ||
| You've got to leave the country. | ||
| I was like, what? | ||
| You believed that shit back then? | ||
| Well, I was in a plane with Boss Rutten, and we're getting on board, and the woman goes, where do I know that guy from? | ||
| I go, that's Boss Rutten. | ||
| I go, he's a former UFC heavyweight champion, one of the greatest martial artists ever. | ||
| He's a legend. | ||
| And she goes, oh, well, my boyfriend is big into that martial arts. | ||
| I go, yeah? | ||
| And she goes, yeah, yeah. | ||
| He actually had to get his hands registered. | ||
| She actually said this, right? | ||
| So I go over, I'm a fucking asshole, of course. | ||
| I have to go over and I go, boss, that woman over there, He said that her boyfriend's a big fan of mixed martial arts, and he's such a bad motherfucker, he had to get his hands registered. | ||
| And of course, you know Boss Root, it's like, this is not true. | ||
| This is not true. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| Don't do that. | ||
| Who tells you this? | ||
| He's a liar. | ||
| He's just lies. | ||
| You do that so well. | ||
| He was pretty polite about it, but man, he couldn't stop doing this fucking guy. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| He just does his hands. | ||
| Come on. | ||
| You know, he's... | ||
| I mean, Bas Rutten is a killer, man. | ||
| And, you know, you ignite that spark inside of him with some bullshit. | ||
| And, you know, especially a guy who's dedicated his entire life to fighting. | ||
| You can't do that to Bas Rutten. | ||
| There's some trippers out there, man. | ||
| Some crazy people. | ||
| Even people that are getting, like, awarded these Dans. | ||
| There was a guy in Australia, and, you know, he was like 45, 46 years old and was a 10th Dan in ninjutsu. | ||
| A 10th Dan fucking ninja. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| You know, he'd wear all the shit, the fucking... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Fucking shit that they wear with shurikens and all that sort of stuff. | ||
| It's like a 10th Dan. | ||
| You're a 45-year-old 10th Dan white ninja. | ||
| In ninjutsu. | ||
| In ninjutsu. | ||
| I mean, who the fuck is... | ||
| I mean, is there a real school of ninjutsu? | ||
| I mean, can you really directly study ninjutsu? | ||
| Because wasn't being a ninja being an assassin? | ||
| It was a secretive, too. | ||
| Yeah, there's not some shit they just tell white people. | ||
| You know, what the fuck is that when you actually learn it? | ||
| You wear the fucking clothes and the shuriken and the fucking katana and all the rest of the shit. | ||
| That's amazing, man. | ||
| I wonder if ninjutsu has kata. | ||
| Poomsi. | ||
| There was one guy that I was absolutely fascinated. | ||
| This is before, when I was younger, I hadn't developed my current strategy of using people as science projects. | ||
| There's some people that I'll decide, well, this guy's my science project. | ||
| Like, what's this guy doing? | ||
| I'm gonna study him every couple years. | ||
| And tune in to him and see what's going on. | ||
| I didn't realize I was already doing that with this guy. | ||
| But there was this one guy who was a ninja master, and he was in all these magazines, these black belt magazines. | ||
| And this guy was completely crazy. | ||
| This guy was drinking miso soup in the morning and, you know, eating traditional Japanese food all day and then doing his ninja training. | ||
| And, like, he would have all these articles, like, what would a ninja do if... | ||
| A guy comes at you with a stick. | ||
| Oh, fuck. | ||
| You can't fuck with a ninja with a stick. | ||
| Dude, that's it. | ||
| Michael Dudikoff was a fucking bomb. | ||
| He was an American ninja back in the 80s, man. | ||
| I met that guy, too. | ||
| He was very nice. | ||
| Dudikoff? | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| That was fucking awesome. | ||
| You know, the last time I did your show, I did the voice verses, and you and I sat, and we talked about black dudes doing kung fu in the park. | ||
| Yo, dude. | ||
| A lot of black dudes doing kung fu in the park got very mad at me. | ||
| Really? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| You know, because I was making fun of like, what they do is, not saying that hitting someone using Kung Fu techniques wouldn't be effective. | ||
| Of course it'd be effective. | ||
| What we're saying is, this method of training that these guys employ in the park is basically a really antiquated old way of developing techniques for martial arts. | ||
| And what it is, is one guy pretends to hit you, and then you pretend, you get out of the way, and then hit him with a bunch of other shit. | ||
| But that stuff doesn't really work. | ||
| Because when someone comes in to hit you, they don't just come in to hit you like that. | ||
| They want to... | ||
| They figure you out. | ||
| They move. | ||
| They faint you. | ||
| I don't understand about that. | ||
| I don't want to rag him. | ||
| My point is, it's not effective to train that way. | ||
| It's not effective to you step forward. | ||
| The guy throws a bunch of, you know, so the guy's like, yeah, Joe Rogan, how you gonna say that? | ||
| I'll hit you with a monkey fist in your face and your eyes watering. | ||
| You tell me that ain't gonna hurt? | ||
| No, it most certainly will hurt. | ||
| Please don't hit me with a monkey paw to the face. | ||
| That's not what I'm saying. | ||
| When I make fun of your training, I'm saying that's not the way to do it anymore. | ||
| It's silly. | ||
| This is about the fight. | ||
| What you do is a sport. | ||
| Shut the fuck up, stupid. | ||
| Listen to me. | ||
| The stuff that works on trained killers is the best stuff. | ||
| And any of you crazy kung fu guys that still think you can hang in MMA, get in there with just kung fu training and the high level guys are going to take you down and they're going to choke the fuck out of you and they're going to leg kick you and they're going to blast you. | ||
| That's just the way it is. | ||
| You have to train in mixed martial arts. | ||
| To be able to compete with those guys because it's the best style of fighting. | ||
| And that's exactly right. | ||
| That's what I was going to say. | ||
| I mean, you look at something like Wing Chun or Wing Chun trapping hands. | ||
| You know, sticky hands. | ||
| There's a few things about that that are effective. | ||
| Shit can be used in self-defense and effective if you're in close range. | ||
| But if you're going to rely on just that shit during a mixed martial arts fight and try sticky hands against Anderson Silva. | ||
| True. | ||
| True. | ||
| But, you know, if you're in a fucking room where you're getting your coat and some guy's drunk. | ||
| For sure, you can use sticky hands to then set up something else. | ||
| Oh, dude, there's guys. | ||
| There's some of those guys that can fuck up. | ||
| You can do those chain fists to your face. | ||
| That shit's real. | ||
| And this is where Bruce Lee was the innovator yet again because Bruce Lee started in Wing Chun, which, by the way, was developed by a nun. | ||
| Wing Chun actually was invented by a chick. | ||
| Yeah? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Wing Chun was invented by a nun. | ||
| Oh, you told me this before. | ||
| Explain this, though. | ||
| I don't know the full history. | ||
| I just know that a woman, a chick, invented Wing Chun. | ||
| And then, of course, most of the great masters of it were men. | ||
| Yip Man was Bruce Lee's teacher, of course. | ||
| I bet she probably got tired of dudes trying to fuck her. | ||
| I'm staying virgin! | ||
| Yeah, if you're a chick and your whole style of fighting is based on staying in one line, I mean, that's obviously a chick that did not want to spread her legs in any way. | ||
| She's backed up against the wall. | ||
| Very few techniques with the kicks. | ||
| Very short little kicks to the bottom of the legs. | ||
| Short snapping techniques. | ||
| That's where Bruce Lee was smart. | ||
| You know, he then realized, okay, Wing Chun gave him his base and all the Shaolin wooden dummy stuff that they practice on, all those trapping hands, and, you know... | ||
| From there, though, he started to cross-drain. | ||
| He was the first real one to do it. | ||
| He was a genius. | ||
| He was way ahead of his time. | ||
| And people, you know, they look at Bruce Lee movies, and they're fun and everything, but if you know really about Bruce Lee, the techniques that he used in his movies, he just used because they look cool. | ||
| His fighting style of Jeet Kune Do is really very effective. | ||
| Into the Dragon, the first time that Mixed Martial Arts was on movies, right? | ||
| When he fought... | ||
| Was it... | ||
| Samo Hung was the guy who fought. | ||
| Takes him down and arm bars him. | ||
| Look at the four-ounce gloves on. | ||
| I was like, it's fucking mixed martial arts here in the 70s. | ||
| We're seeing it on the screen. | ||
| You know who started to train him in grappling, right? | ||
| Judo Jean LaBelle. | ||
| You know, I mean, he was into all this different shit. | ||
| If you don't know who Judo Jean LaBelle is, a mixed martial arts legend and just a real great guy, a real character. | ||
| But he's also like this bear of a man. | ||
| You know, he's got these giant hands. | ||
| And even in his advanced age that he is now, he's still... | ||
| He's a beast. | ||
| He's a fucking beast. | ||
| And back then, my God, back when he was a U.S. champion judo player, I mean, dude, he was a fucking beast. | ||
| So a guy like Bruce Lee, who didn't know any grappling, you know, like, well, let me show you something here, kid. | ||
| He's 135 pounds. | ||
| You get that motherfucker hoisting you through the air. | ||
| All that trapping hands is doing nothing. | ||
| Nothing at all. | ||
| He's going to hit you with the earth. | ||
| You know, judo guys are the scariest guys ever to fight if you're wearing clothes. | ||
| Because they just grab a hold of your clothes and fucking throw you through the air on your head. | ||
| The thing with judo, and a lot of people underestimate judo as well, which I think is an awesome martial art. | ||
| And like Guy Mezga said to me one day, he goes, brother, he goes, I judo throw you on the carpet, you go in a hospital. | ||
| I judo throw you on the street, you go in the fucking morgue. | ||
| For me, that summed it up perfectly. | ||
| That's judo. | ||
| That's how impressive judo can be done by a good student of it. | ||
| Shit's fucking lethal. | ||
| Any real high-level wrestling. | ||
| Judo's good, but if a guy fucking really knows how to wrestle and gets your back and suplexes you on the canvas, you're fucked. | ||
| It's anybody who can control your body and then slam you to the ground. | ||
| You know, and there's stuff that happens in the UFC fight, and the guy survives it, and the guy will be okay. | ||
| Like, a perfect example is that Randallman Fedor fight, where Randallman suplexed Fedor right out of his fucking head. | ||
| Luckily for Fedor, this is on a padded floor, and, you know, there's like give to the floor. | ||
| I don't know how givey the floor is in pride. | ||
| But the UFC has definitely got some give to it. | ||
| It's changed over the years. | ||
| Yeah, it's changed over the years. | ||
| A lot of times... | ||
| My fighter was fucked when it got from that day. | ||
| He recovered, you know? | ||
| He was fucking swinging and eventually won it. | ||
| He caught him in a Kimura shortly after. | ||
| But what I was going to say was that if that was on the concrete... | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| He was fucked. | ||
| He's dead. | ||
| Forget it. | ||
| You're hitting him with the earth. | ||
| It's like hitting him with a giant rock that weighs 300 pounds. | ||
| There's two of you flying through the air, you know, and you're slamming into this earth. | ||
| Have you ever been in a self-defense situation? | ||
| Not since I was a kid. | ||
| really not really you know once on Fear Factor some guy got in my face but it wasn't like I didn't really have to do anything I just grabbed it I got him in the tie clencher actually that's what I did to him I've only been in one it's like no it was like 16 months ago 16 months ago? | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| Yeah, I was out. | ||
| So, we're out and about with some friends. | ||
| We have some coffee. | ||
| We're out and about with some friends. | ||
| And, you know, Irene and I and her sister and her cousin and her brother-in-law. | ||
| And we're driving back home and I'm sort of parked at the lights. | ||
| And this guy's... | ||
| And I just got my brand new car, by the way. | ||
| And the girls were sitting in the back seat. | ||
| And it was Irene, her sister, brother-in-law, and her cousin was in the front seat with me. | ||
| And this guy's just come across the street and just gone... | ||
| On the window of the car. | ||
| The girls are fucking freaking out. | ||
| These guys just fucking smacked my window. | ||
| Right? | ||
| And I thought he'd broken something. | ||
| So I've pulled my car over. | ||
| I've gotten out. | ||
| Checked the window. | ||
| And he's there sort of like being a fucking clown. | ||
| I'm like, the fuck man? | ||
| You're fucking hitting my car. | ||
| My girlfriend in the back and her sister. | ||
| Fucking chicks in the back. | ||
| And I started to walk towards him and he ran away. | ||
| And I'm like... | ||
| Fuck this, man. | ||
| I'm going to get my apology out of this guy. | ||
| So I chased... | ||
| I was just... | ||
| I just fucking flipped out, man. | ||
| Wait a minute. | ||
| I hate fucking bullies. | ||
| You chased him for an apology? | ||
| I chased him for an apology. | ||
| I was that fucking angry. | ||
| Chased him for an apology. | ||
| Round the street. | ||
| And I found him... | ||
| And he must have been... | ||
| I don't know what drug he was on. | ||
| He's sitting in the fucking ground like this, going like this. | ||
| Back and forth rocking, right? | ||
| I'm like, dude, what the fuck? | ||
| You hit my car. | ||
| You fucking freak out my girlfriend and her sister. | ||
| Like, what the fuck is wrong with you, man? | ||
| You're wandering around the street. | ||
| You get fucking run over, you know? | ||
| You're like concerned for him. | ||
| I was concerned. | ||
| Like his mom all the time. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| I'm like, dude, you get fucked up. | ||
| I'm usually like that. | ||
| If someone does something stupid, I'm like, dude, you're going to fuck yourself up and get hurt. | ||
| You can run over. | ||
| Yeah, you can run over. | ||
| He bounces up and just starts fucking throwing punches at me. | ||
| Oh, God. | ||
| And I'm like, oh, shit. | ||
| Here we go. | ||
| All right. | ||
| For those that don't know, I'd studied Muay Thai for about three and a half years back in Australia with Mark Castanini. | ||
| So the Muay Thai lessons came flooding back. | ||
| So I'm blocking his punches, blocking his punches, and I remember that Mark had taught me a technique back in the day, which is not a Muay Thai technique, but Mark is a bouncer for many, many years, and it's actually his stories that my best-selling book, Bouncer, were based on. | ||
| You had a book called Bouncer? | ||
| Yeah, I've done four books. | ||
| My first one was in 1999 called Bouncer, based on real-life nightclub bouncer stories. | ||
| No shit. | ||
| Can I get it on Amazon? | ||
| Yeah, you can get it on Amazon. | ||
| Yeah, try Amazon. | ||
| Should still be some on Amazon. | ||
| I had no idea you wrote books. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Best-seller books, man. | |
| Oh, that's pretty badass. | ||
| Hey, Mark taught me this choke called the bouncer's choke. | ||
| We basically just shoot your hand out and wrap the fingers around the larynx and just fucking squeeze. | ||
| That's the roadhouse. | ||
| The roadhouse. | ||
| The bouncer's choke, he called it. | ||
| So I'm like fucking blocking punches. | ||
| I thought, fuck, what am I going to do? | ||
| I'm just going to fucking... | ||
| Go for the Beyonce's choke. | ||
| Shot it out and just like got him perfectly. | ||
| Start squeezing his larynx. | ||
| And as I'm squeezing him, he's like... | ||
| Choking. | ||
| I put him down on the ground and I'm on top of him, still choking him. | ||
| Right. | ||
| I'm like, you're going to fucking calm down now. | ||
| I don't want any trouble. | ||
| Just fucking calm down and I'll let you go. | ||
| All with the fucking Jedi Knight trick? | ||
| Dude, fucking around his larynx. | ||
| I'm squeezing. | ||
| I could almost feel my fingers coming together, man. | ||
| This guy's face started turning blue. | ||
| What is his defense? | ||
| Is he trying to get a hand in there? | ||
| No, no. | ||
| He's just on the ground just wondering, why the fuck aren't I breathing at the moment? | ||
| I'm on top of you. | ||
| I'm a heavy guy. | ||
| So he's not pulling your hands? | ||
| Nothing? | ||
| No defense? | ||
| Nothing at all. | ||
| Nothing at all. | ||
| Terrible technique. | ||
| Yeah, nothing at all. | ||
| I weighed a lot more than he did. | ||
| Actually, I won't say a lot more because he's a pretty decent guy, but I probably would have had 12 kilograms on him, let's say. | ||
| What did you learn from this? | ||
| There's more. | ||
|
unidentified
|
There's more. | |
| Wait. | ||
| So, he's on the ground. | ||
| He's trying to nod. | ||
| So, I let him up. | ||
| I'm like, dude, just fuck off. | ||
| Enjoy your night. | ||
| By this time, Irene and her cousin and her brother-in-law come around the corner. | ||
| So, this guy walks off, and then I walk off to join them, and then... | ||
| I turn around and he's below a fence and he takes a punch at me and actually caught me because I wasn't expecting it. | ||
| Grazed me with like a... | ||
| I think he missed his watch or something grazed me. | ||
| I had a big graze on my forehead. | ||
| And he's walked off again. | ||
| And then for some reason he turns around and he's about... | ||
| 20 feet away, just starts going, and takes a run-up for me. | ||
| Takes a fucking run-up. | ||
| And I'm like, oh shit, Irene's standing right behind me. | ||
| There's no way I want this guy to start punching me. | ||
| He's on speed, LSD, something, he's on. | ||
| So I'm just thinking... | ||
| LSD? LSD, they're giving you people in Australia. | ||
| I don't know if the fuck he was on. | ||
| Comes charging, I set myself, and then I just front-kicked him. | ||
| The rear lead just, boom, to the heart. | ||
| He's like... | ||
| Fold him in half, man. | ||
| Fold him in half. | ||
| So he ran into your front kick. | ||
| Ran in. | ||
| I was timed. | ||
| Boom! | ||
| Into his chest. | ||
| Two mates came around and helped him off and he was fucked up, man. | ||
| Wow. | ||
| Did you learn anything from this? | ||
| Probably not to chase a guy for an apology next time. | ||
| Would you really need an apology? | ||
| I was just in a weird mood, man. | ||
| I hate bullies. | ||
| I cannot stand bullies. | ||
| I understand that. | ||
| I'm not a violent person and I cannot stand bullies. | ||
| And it was just... | ||
| I think it's very important in any situation, any real live situation like that, to always throw the probabilities and possibilities into the old computer and come out with, what's worst case scenario here? | ||
| Well, worst case scenario could be pretty fucking bad. | ||
| You could die. | ||
| You could get stabbed. | ||
| You could fall and break your leg as you're chasing after him. | ||
| Then he beats you to death. | ||
| Look, it's not good. | ||
| No, it's not good. | ||
| It's not smart. | ||
| My silliest story ever is not even about martial arts. | ||
| Do you mind if I tell you a blind date story? | ||
| I would love it. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| We don't have to talk about martial arts. | ||
| I didn't even plan on it. | ||
| We just started this way. | ||
| That's what it became. | ||
| Let me tell you, I'm so happy now because Irene's like the best woman in the world. | ||
| You know, we're engaged now. | ||
| I proposed to her in Rome like a couple of weeks ago. | ||
| I'm so thrilled because some of the experiences I had with women in the past, Joe... | ||
| Seriously, let me tell you about this blind date. | ||
| I never used to go on blind dates. | ||
| And I used to work on radio on a very popular station in Melbourne called Kix FM. And because I had this nice voice that everyone thinks, I still don't think is that good, but I used to have girls ringing in the studio all the time asking me to go out with them. | ||
| You don't think your voice is good? | ||
| No, I never liked my voice. | ||
| But you call yourself The Voice. | ||
| I don't. | ||
| I was given that nickname. | ||
| But you keep it. | ||
| I keep it. | ||
| I do. | ||
| It's your Twitter name, Shiavella Voice. | ||
| Yeah, I stuck with it. | ||
| I stuck with it. | ||
| It was actually given to me by Andy Raymond on Fox Sports in Australia. | ||
| Someone was asking me about that on Twitter. | ||
| It's always good to have a nickname. | ||
| It is always good. | ||
| It works. | ||
| I'm sorry. | ||
| Go ahead. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| This is a cool story. | ||
| You're going to like this one. | ||
| It's a bit of a long story, but you'll be entertained. | ||
| So anyway, these girls used to ring the radio station every day, wanting to go out, wanting to go out, wanting to go out. | ||
| I'm like, no, no, never. | ||
| Then this one chick rang up, and her name was Elizabeth, and she had the hottest fucking voice on the phone. | ||
| Beautiful voice. | ||
| And I thought to myself, fuck, man. | ||
| I haven't been getting any action lately. | ||
| I may as well go on a blind date and just see if I can maybe... | ||
| These chicks is hot and fucking get my dick wet. | ||
| So, Elizabeth rang up and I'm like, oh yeah, okay, cool. | ||
| Maybe we'll go out. | ||
| Tell me, what do you look like? | ||
| She's like, I'm blonde and I've got a beach body and blue eyes. | ||
| I'm like, all right, cool, we're good. | ||
| Let's go out. | ||
| So, night comes to go out. | ||
| My first blind date ever. | ||
| I drive to her house, which is up in the fucking sticks in the middle of nowhere. | ||
| I'm thinking to myself, this girl better be fucking hot because I'm driving all this way. | ||
| Pull up at her house. | ||
| Park in the gravel driveway. | ||
| Front door opens. | ||
| And out walks this thing that looked like she should have been living under a fucking bridge. | ||
| If she had a beach body, it was the body of a fucking beached whale. | ||
| Blonde, greasy hair, acne on her fucking face. | ||
| She's wearing this black shawly sort of dress, just draping on her like fucking Morticia, but not thin Morticia. | ||
| This girl is like twice my size, man. | ||
| She's a fucking beast. | ||
| Cut to you naked, white as pink. | ||
| Bright fluorescent lights. | ||
| You're boning her. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Zips popping in your grip. | |
| 70s music playing. | ||
| Dude, she walked out. | ||
| I should have put the foot on the gas then and gone. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| No. | ||
| She walked out and she's in barefoot walking on the gravel driveway holding stilettos in her hand. | ||
| I'm like, this fucking dirty bitch with her dirty feet is going to get in my car now. | ||
| She hops in the car and we're driving into town because I booked a sushi restaurant and a movie and then to go to a nightclub that my mate had just opened up. | ||
| Why didn't you just say, I'll be right back? | ||
| I forgot something. | ||
| I'll be right back. | ||
| And I still am so much of a gentleman that I couldn't do it, man. | ||
| I couldn't bring myself to just drive off on her. | ||
| So we're driving into town and it was raining. | ||
| And the reason I can remember it was raining is because I had the windows up. | ||
| And the reason I remember that is because I'm driving and I'm like... | ||
| Oh, this chick reeked of the worst fucking B.O. you can imagine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Come on. | |
| Imagine, bro, imagine going to the gym for a week and not showering. | ||
| She fucking reeked. | ||
| So I'm driving one hand on the wheel. | ||
| How many years ago was this? | ||
| This is 2000, 11 years ago. | ||
| One hand on the wheel, smelling my other hand to try and get rid of her fucking smell ponging up my car. | ||
| So getting into town, I thought, fuck the sushi restaurant. | ||
| I'm not going to spend money on sushi for this pig. | ||
| I'm going to take it to TGI Fridays, right? | ||
| So we go to TGI Fridays, and we've got a movie we're going to go see. | ||
| And I hate missing the trailer list of movies. | ||
| So I'm like, fucking Elizabeth, finish your dinner in half an hour. | ||
| Movie starts at 8.30. | ||
| We're going to go to the films. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| You think a chick's on a date, and she's trying to impress you. | ||
| She'll get a decent dinner, but nothing big. | ||
| She orders a fucking Brontosaurus burger, baby back ribs, right? | ||
| And when they brought it to her, you think this fucking pig had never seen food before? | ||
| She's like... | ||
| Scooping shit into her mouth. | ||
| And I'm just watching, bemuddled, going, what the fuck is this chick doing? | ||
| Five minutes to go before the movie starts. | ||
| I'm like, alright, Liz, you're done? | ||
| You're finished? | ||
| No, I want dessert, she says. | ||
| I'm like, alright, fuck. | ||
| So she orders dessert. | ||
| This, like, chocolate turtle thing you get at TJ is like fudge and cream and ice cream and chocolate. | ||
| She scoffs this thing like she'd never seen a dessert in her life. | ||
| And trust me, this fucking troll had seen a lot of desserts. | ||
| She finishes up... | ||
| I pay the bill. | ||
| I like it when a chick goes for her purse at least, but fucking, she didn't go for her purse. | ||
| I slammed 50 bucks on the table. | ||
| You like the gesture? | ||
| To go for the purse gesture? | ||
| I like the gesture. | ||
| The gesture I appreciate. | ||
| We got up the escalators to the movies. | ||
| She's just eating this two-course fucking dinner, right? | ||
| She grabs my arm. | ||
| She goes, I want a slushie. | ||
| I'm like, a what? | ||
| I want a slushie. | ||
| What the fuck's a slushie? | ||
| She doesn't even say it, bro. | ||
| What? | ||
| Oh my god, child. | ||
| She points to a picture of a Slurpee, we call it in Australia, and she goes, points and grunts! | ||
| So I go to the candy bar. | ||
| She gets a chop-top ice cream, a big box of fucking popcorn, and a Coke Slurpee. | ||
| Doesn't reach for her money. | ||
| I get nothing. | ||
| Alright, put 20 bucks in the fucking popcorn counter. | ||
| Sitting in the movies, watching some romantic fucking Julia Roberts film. | ||
| This bitch is smelling up the cinema. | ||
| She is dipping her ice cream into the popcorn and eating it, right? | ||
| And then slurping on this fucking slurpee... | ||
| Well, she's ponging up the cinema. | ||
| I'm texting my mate on the phone going, dude, there's no way I'm bringing this fucking pig dog to your nightclub. | ||
| I've got to get rid of her. | ||
| I'll see you another time. | ||
| So the movie finishes and she's like, oh, we're going to go to your mate's nightclub. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, nah, he's not there tonight. | ||
| It's shut. | ||
| We'll go another time. | ||
| How about I drop you home? | ||
| So driving her home and I'm thinking to myself... | ||
| This fucking animal is going to go for the goodnight kiss. | ||
| If she goes to the goodnight kiss, I'm fucked. | ||
| She'll pin me like fucking Hulk Hogan, pin me down and kiss me. | ||
| So I'm like, think, Michael. | ||
| Think, how do you get out of the goodnight kiss with this pig? | ||
| And then I started, I thought, hmm, a bit of reverse psychology. | ||
| So I start talking to her about kissing, deliberately. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, I love kissing. | ||
| I'm a good kisser. | ||
| It's one of my specialties when I fucking kiss a chick. | ||
| I'm like fucking awesome. | ||
| And she's like getting all juiced up in the car, bro. | ||
| She's getting juiced up in the car and you can see her like, yeah, really? | ||
| Really? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| I'm like, yeah, I fucking love kissing. | ||
| I got her all worked up. | ||
| And then I go, yeah, but you know, Liz, I was brought up a really good Catholic boy. | ||
| And I was always taught, never kiss a girl on the first date. | ||
| Get to know her for three or four dates. | ||
| And then maybe, you know, kiss her. | ||
| Just total bullshit, by the way. | ||
| I'll fuck a girl on the first date if I can. | ||
| Not anymore because I'm engaged. | ||
| In the old days. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And then her face just changed. | ||
| Really disappointed. | ||
| So get to her house. | ||
| She still goes in for a kiss on the lips. | ||
| And I hate it when fucking people do that, by the way. | ||
| If they're not my girlfriend, I hate people greeting me by a kiss on the lips. | ||
| It's a little odd, right? | ||
| It's odd, man. | ||
| I've got some female friends that do it, and I'm like, I don't like it. | ||
| She goes for the kiss on the lips. | ||
| I turn the cheek. | ||
| She pecks the cheek. | ||
| Out of the car. | ||
| End of the date from hell. | ||
| But there is an epilogue. | ||
| Date from hell happened a week out from Valentine's Day. | ||
| So next weekend comes Valentine's Day on the Saturday. | ||
| Cut to you, white as paper, fluorescent room. | ||
| Well, if she had her way, you're not too far off because on Sunday, the night after Valentine's, I get a call from her best friend, Wendy. | ||
| And Wendy's like, hi, Michael, it's Wendy. | ||
| Oh my God, you're so romantic. | ||
| I'm like, oh, am I Wendy? | ||
| Cool. | ||
| Thanks. | ||
| Um... | ||
| Why? | ||
| She goes, oh my god, the giant teddy bear and the flowers and the chocolates you sent to Elizabeth for Valentine's Day were so romantic. | ||
| I'm like, huh? | ||
| What? | ||
| She goes, oh, the chocolates and the teddy bear and the flowers. | ||
| I go, what do you mean, Wendy? | ||
| Oh, well, I rang Liz yesterday or last night and she couldn't talk and she was all breathy and panty and said she couldn't talk to me because she was in bed with you. | ||
| I fucking lost the plot. | ||
| I hung up from Wendy. | ||
| I rang Liz. | ||
| I'm like, you fucking beast of a woman. | ||
| I go, not only was our date the worst fucking date from hell, which is why I didn't ring you. | ||
| I go, then I actually felt sorry for you when you sent yourself chocolates and a teddy bear and fucking flowers on Valentine's Day. | ||
| Because that's a sad, lonely person that does that and tells all her friends. | ||
| But the moment you insinuate that I'm fucking your ugly ass on Valentine's night and go telling everyone... | ||
| My brother, this is related directly to you chasing down that dude that knocked on the window. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| This is all the same. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Is it all the same? | |
| You're creating unnecessary conflict in your life. | ||
| This poor girl is genetically fucked by Thor's hammer. | ||
| So, here you are rubbing salt into the wound because her sad ass is pretending to be fucking you. | ||
| I was sorry for her when she sent herself the gifts, but then you got around flapping your gums that you're fucking me? | ||
| Listen, you got dealt a couple of aces. | ||
| Some people get... | ||
| Two twos. | ||
| You know, that's just the way life is. | ||
| Get this one, though. | ||
| I'll tell you another freaky girl experience from the past. | ||
| You see, you're getting into this conflict with this woman, though, unnecessarily. | ||
| This other one I made in a club. | ||
|
unidentified
|
This other one I made in a club. | |
| You don't feel bad for that beast? | ||
| The animal? | ||
| The woman, yeah. | ||
| You don't feel bad for someone who's just fucked intellectually, fucked physically, fucked socially. | ||
| No, but you know, no one pisses me off the fuck socially, because at least learn to buy a fucking bottle of antiperspirant and stick it under your fucking arms. | ||
| At least learn the decency to walk to my car with your shoes on. | ||
| Who knows what life she's led. | ||
| You know, you're stepping into a life that's already in progress and who knows what the fuck has gone on. | ||
| How does she call herself a beach body, man? | ||
| Unless she's a fucking beached whale, like I said. | ||
| She's a lost person, man. | ||
| Dude, this other chick, this other chick that lived like Catherine Zeta-Jones was fucking hot. | ||
| So I met her at a nightclub, got her details, and she goes, come over to my house. | ||
| So she lives down in Broadmeadows, which if someone from Melbourne's listening, Broadmeadows is the wrong end of town to be on. | ||
| Should have been a warning sign again for me, but it wasn't. | ||
| Drive out to Broadmeadows, sitting there on her sofa, on her couch, and we're watching some Johnny Depp film I'd never seen called Cry Baby. | ||
| It was her favourite film. | ||
| You get cocked into watching faggy movies left and right, man. | ||
| And she was hammered when I got there on fucking Jack Daniels and Cokes, right? | ||
| She was hammered by the time I got there. | ||
| I had like two six-packs in the kitchen. | ||
| She was churning through. | ||
| Sitting there watching this... | ||
| It was a video tape, actually. | ||
| Watching it. | ||
| And the first thing I noticed was... | ||
| There was a little coffee table to the side of the couch where I was sitting. | ||
| There was a fucking butcher's knife, brother. | ||
| That big. | ||
| Just sitting there. | ||
| There's no meat there. | ||
| Nothing. | ||
| Just a fucking knife. | ||
| That big. | ||
| That sort of freaked me out. | ||
| I'm like, alright. | ||
| Sitting there watching the movie. | ||
| And all of a sudden, I hear this. | ||
| Fucking baby crying. | ||
| I'm like, the fuck was that? | ||
| She goes, oh, that's my three-month-old daughter. | ||
| Just a moment, I'm going to give her a bottle. | ||
| This chick's got a three-month-old daughter I didn't know about. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Alright. | |
| She goes in the kitchen. | ||
| She makes up the baby's formula, puts it in the microwave, nukes it, goes back in the baby's room, comes back and joins me like 30 seconds later and presses play on the video. | ||
| Isn't it amazing when you think about how little a person has to know you before you're over their house? | ||
| Like, you don't even know that she has a baby. | ||
| That's how limited your interaction has been and all of a sudden you're over her house. | ||
| But this is the thing, though. | ||
| I usually, it's my journalistic background, ask so many questions, but for some reason she didn't tell me this. | ||
| And she goes and gives the kid the bottle. | ||
| Comes back 30 seconds later, I'm like, aren't you going to feed the kid? | ||
| Didn't you just make the bottle? | ||
| Oh, yeah, don't worry. | ||
| If she gets hungry, she'll pick up the bottle and feed herself a three-month-old with a hot bottle! | ||
| Whoa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right? | |
| Whoa. | ||
| I'm like, okay, this chick's fucking freaky. | ||
| By this time, I'm totally put off her. | ||
| Even though she looks like Catherine Zeta-Jones, I'm put off. | ||
| When I'm put off, that's it, I'm put off. | ||
| So, the movie ends, and she tries to get a little frisky, and I'm just like, eh, not really. | ||
| I've got to go. | ||
| I've got to work tomorrow, whatever. | ||
| On the front step, and she's like, she's tanked off her nut. | ||
| She's drunk by this day. | ||
| She's like, no, baby. | ||
| Drunk with a three-month-old bed. | ||
| Drunk with a three-month-old with a bottle in its crib, right? | ||
| And she's like, baby, baby, don't go yet. | ||
| Let me show you this party trick. | ||
| Bro, she takes her top off on her front doorstep. | ||
| She's got these big-ass tits. | ||
| Grabs a boob, lifts it up to her mouth, starts licking her nipple in front of me. | ||
| I'm just like, that's just not working. | ||
|
unidentified
|
That's just the whole baby butcher's knife, you're drunk, Johnny Depp licking your big fucking tit. | |
| Not working. | ||
| I leave her, drive home. | ||
| Two days later, I'm in a business meeting at like midday and she calls. | ||
| So I let her go through the voicemail. | ||
|
unidentified
|
She calls again, calls again, calls again, calls again. | |
| Finally leaves a message for me. | ||
| Bro, I checked the message the next hour after my meeting had finished. | ||
| The most abusive fucking message you've ever heard. | ||
| You fucking cunt, you piece of shit, motherfucker. | ||
| Every swear word you can imagine. | ||
| You're just like every other man. | ||
| Never call, never text, this and that. | ||
| Don't pick up the phone when I call you. | ||
| This just fucking lost it at me. | ||
| Yeah, well, that's par for the course. | ||
| That's par for the course with human beings, though, man. | ||
| You know, you can say it's chicks, but it's because that's who you're dating. | ||
| Dude, I had a chick threatening to commit suicide! | ||
| If you were dating dudes, your stories would be even more pathetic. | ||
| Dude, I had a chick threatening to slit her wrists because I want to take her out. | ||
| You're a fucking savage. | ||
| Look at you. | ||
| That's what it is. | ||
| You know why? | ||
| She can't help herself. | ||
| She was a bikini model, and she thought she was that hot. | ||
| Now, she was hot. | ||
| She texted me photos of herself, but I was busy at the time, and I'm like, yeah, maybe I've got to go away overseas. | ||
| Maybe I'll, like, you know, we'll hook up in three weeks' time. | ||
| And she cracked the shits that she wasn't high list of my priorities, sent me all these pics of her in a bikini. | ||
| I'm like, yeah, that's all pretty, but it's not as if I haven't seen fucking models before, dude. | ||
| Like, relax. | ||
| Look at you, you stud. | ||
| Dude, she sat in a bathtub in Port Melbourne, rang me, and threatened to slit her wrists. | ||
| I gotta think there's more to the story. | ||
| No more. | ||
| I just kept knocking her back. | ||
| There is more, just not your part. | ||
| Oh, not my part. | ||
| Your life is a fucking wreck. | ||
| Yeah, you stepped into a bad situation. | ||
| She faked having a head tumour, just to try and get me to call her back. | ||
| And then she apologised, said, no, no, it wasn't a head tumour, I was lying. | ||
| And the next day she sends me a text message saying, my box hurts. | ||
| Her box. | ||
| Her box. | ||
| And I'm like, what do you mean? | ||
| She goes, my box hurts. | ||
| And then tried to tell me she had cervical cancer. | ||
| And by this stage, I'm just like, this is really bad. | ||
| Because I know people that have died from cervical cancer. | ||
| I'm like, don't talk stupid fucking shit to try and get my attention. | ||
| You need a life coach, brother. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| All those days are over. | ||
| This is many moons ago, mind you. | ||
| Yeah, you say that, but you're still out chasing derelicts. | ||
| For punching your window, your life coach, Brock. | ||
| Amazing. | ||
| If you're ever in a situation like that, call me up. | ||
| Call me up. | ||
| We'll smoke a joint together and we'll talk this through. | ||
| That sounds good, man. | ||
| Give me some advice. | ||
| Crazy fucking bitches out there. | ||
| I would say, go, oh wow, for real, tumor? | ||
| Damn. | ||
| That's not going to stop me from fucking you, is it? | ||
| And she'll say, no, I don't think so. | ||
| And you go, good. | ||
| And you go over and fuck the shit out of her. | ||
| And then she tells you she's Wonder Woman. | ||
| You go, that's awesome. | ||
| I'll call you next week. | ||
| And then you leave. | ||
| So what you do is, whatever craziness she says, you go, wow, that's crazy. | ||
| That's fucking crazy. | ||
| I hope you're okay. | ||
| Listen, I gotta go. | ||
| I'll call you later. | ||
| Are we still gonna fuck? | ||
| And then she'll say yes. | ||
| And then you show up and you fuck that crazy bitch. | ||
| And that's what you do. | ||
| I'm scared to fuck crazy bitches that mean. | ||
| Don't do it. | ||
| But the crazy ones are often the most fun. | ||
| My friend Tony always says it best. | ||
| He said that erotic and psychotic are next door neighbors. | ||
| My mate picked up a crazy chick in a bar. | ||
| I think I told you this story last time. | ||
| And he gave her Melmaninga finger and she had... | ||
| The Melmaninga? | ||
| Oh, Melmaninga. | ||
| It's the name of a very famous Australian rugby player. | ||
| Melmaninga. | ||
| So at school we used to say, oh, I gave this chick a Melmaninga, three finger Melmaninga. | ||
| So what does that mean? | ||
| It means a finger of three fingers. | ||
| Why does he have a name for fingering people? | ||
| Just because he rhymes with finger Melmaninga. | ||
| Oh. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Oh, that's it? | ||
| I thought it was like a story where it's like finger another player or something. | ||
| No, my mate Mel Menninger, the girl. | ||
| I was hoping. | ||
| And she had scabs inside her pussy. | ||
| Whoa, what? | ||
| Scabs. | ||
| Inside her fucking pussy. | ||
| I don't know how it's possible. | ||
| What's she scratching on the inside of the scabs? | ||
| So did you feel the scabs? | ||
| No, it wasn't me. | ||
| It was my mate. | ||
| He just like, dude, I fingered her and the fucking scabs in her pussy. | ||
| You might be a liar. | ||
| Your friend might be full of shit. | ||
| No, he'd done some dirty shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| But then that's pretty full on to have scabs inside your pussy. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Even if she had scabs on her fucking flat. | ||
| It seems like she would flinch if you hit those. | ||
| Like, ow! | ||
| That would fucking hurt, right? | ||
| Dude, you know what you've got to find on the internet one day is the World Sex Games or something, right? | ||
| It was held in like Japan or something. | ||
| It's a funnier shit. | ||
| They have a ring, like a boxing ring, and they have couples in each corner. | ||
| And one of the ones was the guy has to stand there and like finger the chick and whichever chick blows the first wins. | ||
| There's all these like sex games. | ||
| There was another one where there was like an alley, like a long jump sort of alley that had measuring parts on it. | ||
| The girls would sit there with their fucking legs spread, finger themselves and see who could blow the furthest. | ||
| It's on the internet. | ||
| You've got to find it somewhere. | ||
| Like World Sex Olympics or World Sex Games, all these crazy fucking Asians fingering themselves. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Blowing everywhere so you could blow the first. | ||
| That whole squirting thing, that is fucking foul. | ||
| I don't understand the appeal of that. | ||
| Even if it's not piss, it's a suspect. | ||
| That's 20% piss, for sure. | ||
| It has to be, right? | ||
| We're asking where the fucking juice is from. | ||
| Where the fuck is that coming from? | ||
| What is that stuff like? | ||
| That's salty. | ||
| I don't want to know what it tastes like. | ||
| I don't want to experience it. | ||
| Dude, I fingered this girl once, and I couldn't get the smell of her bad-smelling poon off my hands for like a week. | ||
| Only once? | ||
| Dude, once. | ||
| That was all it took. | ||
| You live the clean life, lad. | ||
| Once, and I ended up with spots on my finger, and I'm ringing my mate going, what the fuck has this chick done to me? | ||
| I've got spots on my finger, and I can't get the smell off it. | ||
| I washed and scrubbed that fucker, and just... | ||
| I had one of my first girlfriends ever had a stank box. | ||
| It was a disaster. | ||
| What do you do, man? | ||
| How do you go down there? | ||
| How do you fucking eat at a girl with a stank box? | ||
| It's tough. | ||
| But when you're 17, your dick is so hard. | ||
| That's true. | ||
| It's just carbon fiber cock. | ||
| Your dick just doesn't give a fuck. | ||
| Your dick is willing to... | ||
| You could have a dead squirrel in your mouth and your dick would still be hard. | ||
| What's worse, though? | ||
| If a chick has the fucking rotten box or, like a Hungarian chick I've been out with once, has labia, the fucking curtains. | ||
| Oh, I don't mind that. | ||
| Real, the fucking flappy labs? | ||
| Juicy pussy lips. | ||
| Damn, man. | ||
| It doesn't bother me at all. | ||
| Damn. | ||
| I don't give a fuck. | ||
| That feels good. | ||
| That's like a big grippy pussy. | ||
| Dude. | ||
| Big strong box. | ||
| Man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Milk your cock. | |
| Speaking of lips, I went to this Polish girl that looked like Natalie Portman. | ||
| She was fucking hot. | ||
| And she's known amongst my friends when I tell this story of being bottom lip kisser. | ||
| This chick would only kiss with her bottom lip. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| Dude, no top lip, no tongue. | ||
| Just a bottom lip. | ||
| She sucks dick with both of them. | ||
| Bottom fucking lip. | ||
| Come on, son. | ||
| I broke up with her because after six weeks of going out with her, I'm getting with her lip in the car. | ||
| Because I'm getting with her, I'm getting with her lip. | ||
| Passion in the car. | ||
| Passion is an Australian word for kissing. | ||
| Did you ever ask her to kiss with the upper lip as well? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Her name was Liz too. | ||
| I got a thing with weird lizards. | ||
| I'm like, Liz, why don't you ever kiss with your top lip or your tongue? | ||
| And she was like, well, this is the way I kiss. | ||
| If you don't like it, then don't kiss me. | ||
| And she was fucking hot. | ||
| I'm like, oh fuck it, I'll kiss her anyway. | ||
| You guys would put a chicken check when they talk like that, Mike. | ||
| Yeah, nah. | ||
| In a moment, the girl says something like that and goes, listen, you seem like you're in a bad mood, so I'm going to send you home, and you take care, and I'll call you later. | ||
| Dude, where were you on my shoulder when you couldn't meet me? | ||
| Because that's the reason I dumped her eventually. | ||
| After six weeks, we're making out in the car. | ||
| I lean over to put a hand on her tit. | ||
| On top of her clothes, she's like, no, I want it to be special. | ||
|
unidentified
|
No. | |
| What the fuck? | ||
| After six weeks, I can't even get any fucking tits. | ||
| This is all shit that happened to me when I was in high school. | ||
| It's true about Australia. | ||
| You guys catch on late? | ||
| Things happen later for you? | ||
| I was a light bloomer, man. | ||
| I was the biggest fucking nerd when I was young. | ||
| It took me so long. | ||
| Get your first slice of pie. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| You know what? | ||
| My first kiss was at 16. My first slice of pie was not until like 21. God damn, son. | ||
| With a French Mauritian girl that I was dating who was like 18 at the time. | ||
| I thought you were going to say a French Marine. | ||
| French Marine. | ||
| That's right. | ||
| I'm like, whoa, this could get ugly. | ||
| French Mauritian girl named Anik. | ||
| She was hot too. | ||
| Yeah, but man, I was a late bloomer, but I made up for it in due time. | ||
| Listen, man, you're always going to run into weird people if you're trying to date because you're going to run into weird people just randomly trying to make friends. | ||
| You know, the problem is people are so horny that they're not that particular about who they stick their penis inside of. | ||
| That's why you wind up with so many fucked up situations. | ||
| Do you know the thing that shoots me, and maybe you can relate to this as well, is that... | ||
| When I used to date chicks and I go out to chicks and there was like chicks that I used to like that didn't like me back then. | ||
| But recently, because my profile's gone up, you know, working on TV and people are seeing my face on TV and stuff, those chicks like send you a message out of nowhere. | ||
| Find you on Facebook or find you on Twitter or, you know, they suddenly have your number back in their phone. | ||
| They're like texting you. | ||
| You know, let's go out. | ||
| How you doing? | ||
| Been thinking about you? | ||
| It's like, the fuck, man? | ||
| Only because you've seen me on TV or something, you come fucking squirming back. | ||
| You should take advantage of that and just stuff your cock in my mouth. | ||
| I don't know what you're complaining about. | ||
| It sounds to me like they're throwing some pussy away and you're all indignant about it. | ||
| Oh, I need to be very selective about my pussy selections, man. | ||
| You need a life coach. | ||
| I'm telling you. | ||
| I can help you. | ||
| Dude, did I ever tell you what happened in Vegas the first time I went there at Ray? | ||
| Actually, Ray Sefo doesn't even know this story. | ||
| I can't believe I'm about to tell it now. | ||
| If Ray listens, you'll kill me. | ||
| Then don't tell it. | ||
| I'll tell it. | ||
| Fuck it. | ||
| Don't throw Ray under the bus. | ||
| No, no. | ||
| Ray wasn't there. | ||
| I was using Ray's house. | ||
| Oh. | ||
| I was in Vegas for the first time ever. | ||
| This was like going back in 2006 or 2007 for K1. And after the show, we'd stayed at Bellagio for K1 and then I stayed at Ray's for a few nights. | ||
| But he was going to Japan, so I had a whole house to myself. | ||
| And I met this girl at Caesars. | ||
| Beautiful black girl, man. | ||
| She looked a bit like Janet Jackson-ish, sort of really hot. | ||
| And I had her number and I thought, I'll give her a call and see what she's doing. | ||
| Ray had a big fucking house in Vegas with a jacuzzi out there. | ||
| And I'm like, yeah, this will be impressive. | ||
| So I ring this girl and she's like, oh, yeah, cool. | ||
| I'm not doing anything. | ||
| I'll come over with my cousin. | ||
| Is that okay? | ||
| And I'm like, sweet, come over. | ||
| Got a whole house, fridge stocked of alcohol, fucking fridge full of food. | ||
| Come on over. | ||
| So she comes over with her cousin and her cousin's cracking hot as well. | ||
| I'm like, oh, this is too good to be true. | ||
| And she goes to me, do you smoke? | ||
| I'm like, no, not really. | ||
| And she goes, do you want to have like a puff in the jacuzzi? | ||
| I'm like, oh, fuck it. | ||
| She's like weed. | ||
| She's talking about weed. | ||
| Weed, right? | ||
| I'm like, okay, cool. | ||
| She goes, do you smoke blunt? | ||
| I don't know what blunt was. | ||
| I go, no, I don't know what blunt is. | ||
| I go, what's blunt? | ||
| Is it like marijuana? | ||
| She started describing the fucking process, whatever, to me. | ||
| But she got like a cigar that was that big and somehow sliced it with a razor blade and hollowed it out and stuffed all this blunt in there. | ||
| So we go into the... | ||
| Well, what it is is two different ways. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Okay. | |
| In England, a lot of times they'll even roll their joints with tobacco in it. | ||
| They'll roll, like, cigarette tobacco with joints together. | ||
| That's how they do it in Australia, too. | ||
| They do that a little bit. | ||
| To make it burn longer, not burn out. | ||
| Yeah, but no, don't do that. | ||
| It's terrible for you. | ||
| It ruins the whole thing. | ||
| And then the other way is the blunt. | ||
| There's two ways of doing that. | ||
| Sometimes with tobacco inside of it, but most of the time not. | ||
| But using the tobacco leaf, which is the cigar case... | ||
| The difference between cigars and joints or cigarettes is that if you smoke a cigar, there's an actual leaf that's covering it. | ||
| The whole thing that you're smoking is pure plant matter. | ||
| A good cigar, especially, they're prized for their leaf and their wrapper. | ||
| It's a special plant that they grow just particularly for that purpose. | ||
| When you inhale it though, you don't inhale a cigar. | ||
| When you smoke a cigar, you take a breath You keep it in your mouth and then you blow it out and you taste it and you get a buzz from the nicotine. | ||
| But you inhale weed. | ||
| So when they roll these blunts, they're inhaling this deep, heavy tobacco smoke. | ||
| So is blunt the type of weed or just the way you roll it? | ||
| It's the way you roll it. | ||
| Oh, I thought it was a type of weed. | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| It's the way you roll it. | ||
| Okay, gotcha. | ||
| So she, well, she called it a blunt. | ||
| So she rolled the blunt. | ||
| Yeah, but she put it in a cigar. | ||
| Tobacco, yeah. | ||
| So it's tobacco and weed together because of the tobacco leaf. | ||
| Okay. | ||
| She puts you this big ass cigar. | ||
| We go out to the jacuzzi. | ||
| I'm like, this is fucking mad. | ||
| There's two hot chicks either side of me in the jacuzzi. | ||
| It's like nine o'clock at night. | ||
| Cut to you, naked, white like paper. | ||
| It's getting there. | ||
| I take two puffs on this thing and dude, I'm fucked. | ||
| My mind felt like it was just floating over there. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And I'm like, this is fucking me up. | ||
| I'm going to go back inside. | ||
| Go back inside. | ||
| I'm walking. | ||
| I can feel my body walking, but my mind's like... | ||
| Wandering off into another realm, you know. | ||
| I plonk down on Ray's big chair. | ||
| And the girls come in like, you know, 25 minutes later and they're drying off. | ||
| And the cousin starts to sit on my lap and mess around a little bit. | ||
| Oh, shit, son. | ||
| Aggressive cousin. | ||
| And then the other girl's just helping herself in the fridge, eating, having some drinks, whatever. | ||
| Cousin's all over me. | ||
| This is cool. | ||
| Still off my fucking brain. | ||
| And she goes, oh, do you want to go upstairs? | ||
| I'm like, sweet. | ||
| Oh, so then you're upstairs and the other one robs you. | ||
| Rob's Ray's house. | ||
| Upstairs. | ||
| Into Ray's bedroom. | ||
| And Ray's bedroom was like a fucking... | ||
| He had this bed with posts like a jungle fucking bed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It was huge, man. | |
| Pimp. | ||
| Ray's wardrobe was like the size of this room. | ||
| Fucking huge. | ||
| So lying down on the bed, getting naked, you know, mucking around a bit. | ||
| Ray's got one of his world title belts near the bed. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And she's like, do you like being spanked? | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm like, Whatever, whatever. | |
| She gets Ray's world title bout, turns me over and starts whacking me on the arse with his world title bout. | ||
| You seen those kickboxing world title bouts? | ||
| Those things are fucking heavy, man. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Whoa, whoa, whoa. | |
| Again, you need your life coach. | ||
| You call me up here, John. | ||
| I'm at RaySepho.com. | ||
|
unidentified
|
I'm being spanked with a world heavyweight champion belt. | |
| And this bitch wants to hit me with his belt. | ||
| What do I do? | ||
| You say no! | ||
| The fuck are you talking about? | ||
| She hit me with the belt. | ||
| So then I turn back over. | ||
| I just want to fuck her by now. | ||
| And she's like on top of me. | ||
| You should have already been fucking her. | ||
| She's talking too much. | ||
| She goes to me, baby, have you got what I need? | ||
| I'm like, oh yeah, it's in the bathroom. | ||
| Just go get a condom out of my toiletries bag in the bathroom. | ||
| Cool. | ||
| She goes, no baby, have you got what I need? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck yes. | |
| The fucking rubber's in the bathroom. | ||
| Go grab one. | ||
| Radio. | ||
| Fucking got what you need right here. | ||
| She needs cocaine. | ||
| She goes, no baby. | ||
| You see, my car's in the pound and it's going to cost $400 to get it out. | ||
| And I'm really strapped for cash. | ||
| Dude, I sobered up in a hurry. | ||
| I'm like... | ||
| I go, are you a fucking hooker? | ||
| Oh, baby, don't be like that. | ||
| I just need the money for my car. | ||
| And I'm like, are you a fucking hooker? | ||
| And she admitted to it. | ||
| I fucking grabbed her, threw her off me. | ||
| I wonder how many girls rock the hooker world that way. | ||
| Dude, ran downstairs. | ||
| Because then that picture of my mom thinking, someone's cleaning out Ray's house. | ||
| Ray's got all this fucking cool shit. | ||
| And she was just sitting on the sofa eating and drinking. | ||
| I grabbed her, grabbed her cousin, threw them out the fucking front door. | ||
| You should have went with the cousin. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Always go with the cousin. | ||
| $460 later? | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| So, do you think that that's how she rocks it all the time? | ||
| She just shows up at guys' houses and just asks them for money when she gets them horny? | ||
| Yeah, I think so. | ||
| Because I was ready to go. | ||
| It's a good way to get killed. | ||
| It is a good way to get killed. | ||
| I was ropeable, man. | ||
| I grabbed her, grabbed her girlfriend and like... | ||
| Again, think about how quickly you get intimate with someone that you don't even know and how crazy that is. | ||
| That's the weirdest thing about dating is how quickly people are willing to get intimate with complete total strangers. | ||
| The lady with the three-month-old baby lets you in the house. | ||
| You don't even know this fucking brought out a baby and you're already alone with her and she's licking her tits. | ||
| With a knife. | ||
| Yeah, if you had to make friends the way you try to get laid, like if it was really important, like you needed a friend every couple of days, you know, I mean, Jesus Christ, your friendships would be fucking chaotic. | ||
| They'd be crazy. | ||
| You know, if we needed friendship as much as we need sex, which, by the way, is real possible, you know? | ||
| Have you ever dumped a friend like you would dump a girlfriend? | ||
| Yes. | ||
| You have? | ||
| Like I've done a friend dump? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Of a guy, not a girl? | ||
| Many times, yeah. | ||
| Of a dude? | ||
| Yep, yeah. | ||
| What did you say to him? | ||
| Can't hang out with you anymore. | ||
| You're negative. | ||
| Straight up. | ||
| Yeah, there's some dudes that you will have good times with in the beginning, but then somewhere along the line, as you get to know them better, their character flaws are exposed and they're not willing to be honest about it. | ||
| So then every time you're hanging around with that person, it becomes a problem. | ||
| It becomes all around that person. | ||
| It becomes this person's character flaw that everybody has to sort of deal with, whether it's jealousy or whether it's being overly aggressive, whether it's being de- dicky to women whatever the fuck it is you know there's certain dudes that are not willing to look at reality and they're not willing to evolve and the real problem is if you surround yourself with someone like that that all your evolution stops All your progress as a human being stops as does theirs. | ||
| So when you're out with them, man, if they're acting cunty and douchey, you're locked into this cunty, douchey life. | ||
| This is your crew. | ||
| This is who you're hanging out with, man. | ||
| And if you don't surround yourself with like-minded people, you don't grow together. | ||
| So when you're with someone that you feel like is a roadblock to your own personal enlightenment, it's important for you to separate yourself from that person. | ||
| Did you ever hear from this guy again? | ||
| And when you did, is it like the awkward ex-girlfriend calling? | ||
| It's been a few times. | ||
| It's a few different guys, not just one. | ||
| Yeah, a bunch of different guys over the years. | ||
| You know, it's just people just, you know, and look, I'm a very good and loyal friend. | ||
| And I pride myself on keeping good and loyal friends and making them appreciate, making them realize how much I appreciate them and making them, you know, I think friendships are one of the most important things you could foster in this world, you know, to be able to. | ||
| One of the most beautiful things about this podcast has been the fact that I've exposed a lot of people to the friends that I've cultivated. | ||
| My friend Brian Callan and Duncan and all these really brilliant people that I know that are really interesting cats. | ||
| I mean, that's my proudest achievement in life, is surrounding myself with an interesting group of friends. | ||
| And I shouldn't say proudest, but most satisfying. | ||
| You know, that, wow, this is amazing. | ||
| I'm so lucky to have such cool friends. | ||
| The only way you can have that is if you cull. | ||
| You have to get rid of ones that don't keep up. | ||
| Because not everybody keeps up, just like not every girl. | ||
| Like, you have this great girl in Irene, but look how many cunts you had to go through to get to her. | ||
| Well, that's just the way it is with friends as well. | ||
| It's the same thing. | ||
| You will appreciate people that have their shit together when you deal with enough people that don't. | ||
| And at a certain point in time, some people are just not willing to take personal responsibility and grow. | ||
| And when you run into those people, you gotta separate from them because they're roadblocks. | ||
| They become problems. | ||
| There's no growing and it all becomes dealing with them and their issues. | ||
| And as you get older, you realize, don't you? | ||
| You see how many friends you had when you were young and as you get older, you cull it and cull it and cull it. | ||
| And dude, I've got like five friends that I keep really close, like my inner circle that know shit about me. | ||
| Then everyone else is a big fucking perimeter around that inner circle. | ||
| Sorry, but the more you travel as well and you're away from home and away from those friends, you realize how much you love them and how much you do need them in your life and close to you and giving that love to you and that positive energy to you so that you can survive in your own life. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Well, you grow together. | ||
| Human beings, like I always say of my closest friends, that my friend Brian Cowan is a perfect example. | ||
| If Brian considers something and he brings it to me and tells me about it, I know that it's going to be well thought out and I know that I can consider it almost as if... | ||
| It's my own thoughts. | ||
| I can appreciate his experiences and his interpretations of his experiences so much. | ||
| I can trust in them so much that I trust in them almost as much as I would trust in my own. | ||
| Because the genuine friends that you know have no personal agenda that the advice they give you or they recommend is going to be solely for your own benefit and nothing to do with them trying to gain from it. | ||
| - Soly honest. - Yeah, exactly. - 'Cause there's folks that you talk to where you don't get that, man. | ||
| You don't get the honesty. | ||
| You get this weird amalgamation of the truth and fiction because they don't want to come off looking like a loser or they don't want to come off looking like an asshole when in fact maybe some more shit was their fault and you're not getting the full version of it and they want you to back them up. | ||
| If you're my friend, you'd back me up. | ||
| No. | ||
| If I was your friend, I would tell you when you're being a douchebag. | ||
| That idea that a friend has to only be positive all the time when you're being negative. | ||
| They can't be honest about it. | ||
| It's a real problem that people have fostering good friendships and good relationships. | ||
| And that's one of the happiest things that I've been able to do with this podcast. | ||
| I've talked to so many people that we've met. | ||
| You know, all over the country that don't have people that are thinking like this around them. | ||
| So they're not exposed to a lot of the stuff that we're talking about in their neighborhood or in their community, in their circle, their social circle. | ||
| You know, and you got to find people like this. | ||
| You got to find people that you can trust and hang out with because they're out there. | ||
| Yeah, they're out there. | ||
| You could have a bunch of negative cunt friends and just think that all your friends and all the people that you're ever going to meet are negative cunts and then all of a sudden you'll just find some oasis of nice people and if you're not a negative cunt and those people like you, then all of a sudden your life immeasurably gets better. | ||
| If your friendships are good, your life is immeasurably better. | ||
| That's why I always tell people in bad relationships and bad friendships, just fucking get out. | ||
| If you're confident that it's not you, if you're a nice person, then just get out. | ||
| Dude, I've seen some people stick around in marriages and relationships where it's fucking abuse, yelling matches every night. | ||
| You know, it's like, how the fuck do you stay there? | ||
| And there's some people that will tell you that if you don't yell, you don't love. | ||
| It's just hilarious. | ||
| That's bullshit, man. | ||
| I've never yelled at Irene. | ||
| You know, we've never had a yellow match. | ||
| We might have disagreements, but they're fucking over in 30 seconds, and they don't get nasty, no yelling matches. | ||
| Yelling matches usually come, I think, in relationships where someone is trying to point score on their partner and get the upper hand. | ||
| And I always think to myself, Joe, if you love someone, why the fuck would you want to try and point score on them? | ||
| It's all in how you get raised, I think, a lot of it. | ||
| A lot of it is people growing up with horrible, horrible relationships. | ||
| And sometimes people grow up in horrible relationships and it actually makes them better at relationships because they realize, well, fuck, I don't want to be like my mom and dad. | ||
| I'm not into fighting. | ||
| I've met girls that their parents fought like crazy, so they were really cool and calm because they had seen so much stupid shit. | ||
| And man, the same way. | ||
| It's like... | ||
| You know, the real reality of relationships is the idea of finding one human being and you've lived 30 plus years of programming and changing your personality and molding to your environment and adapting to all the shit that you see in your world and then... | ||
| Out of nowhere you introduce some new player and you gotta decipher the fucking Dead Sea Scrolls. | ||
| You gotta go back and figure out where all this comes from. | ||
| Where's this attitude? | ||
| Why is that attitude? | ||
| Why does she get indignant when I don't open her car door? | ||
| What is the root of this? | ||
| How much does she really believe in this God thing? | ||
| But then you also sort of think to yourself, like you said, meeting that person, you think to yourself, okay, there's six billion people in the world, let's call three and a half billion of them women, and you're trying to meet this one, and you're trying to meet this one pretty much within, what, a 20-kilometer radius of your house? | ||
| You're not trying to meet your interstate or another city or other cities? | ||
| 20 kilometers, what is that in miles? | ||
| Let's even call it 20 miles of your house, 30 miles of your house, in your ratio of where you go out to, your perimeter, circumference of where you head out. | ||
| You don't have to go out too much. | ||
| You don't have to go out too much. | ||
| You want to have pussy clothes. | ||
| Exactly, and that's a minuscule... | ||
| The betting odds on that must be insane of finding that person. | ||
| Are you kidding? | ||
| In Los Angeles, there's so many fucking people. | ||
| It's not going to be the perfect... | ||
| What is the perfect person? | ||
| It's like everybody's got their own different version of what the fuck that is. | ||
| But the reality with most people is they don't like themselves. | ||
| So they're going to be a shitty relationship no matter what. | ||
| No matter who they get hooked up with, they're going to be self-defeating and self-sabotaging. | ||
| That's the majority of people, especially people struggling. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Especially people that aren't happy with their art or their career or their chosen profession or whatever the fuck it is they're pursuing and they're in some state of turmoil where they're trying to accomplish some things. | ||
| A lot of people out there are unhappy with themselves, man. | ||
| And they're not going to be happy no matter who the fuck they're with. | ||
| They're going to get comfortable with anybody and start being dicky with them because they're dicky with themselves. | ||
| And then like you said, they're the people you don't want to be around because their negative energy is just fucking intense, man. | ||
| You know how he was saying before about the friends and how your close friends, sometimes their thoughts are like similar to your thoughts. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| who could apparently medically treat people by apparently being able to tap into the worldwide consciousness of everyone and pluck any information he needed from any mind in the world to be able to diagnose someone. | ||
| I have heard pro and con for Edgar Cayce. | ||
| My friend Eddie is a big proponent of Edgar Cayce, but he's also big into UFOs. | ||
| He loves sexy things. | ||
| He loves ghosts and spirits and channelers. | ||
| He loves all that stuff. | ||
| Me, I'm... | ||
| I'm a cautious optimist. | ||
| And so I think it's interesting to me that there could be a possibility of some person who has some incredible extrasensory perception to the point where they can read your future or your past or find out things about you. | ||
| But I'm not convinced. | ||
| I'm not convinced and I'm also not convinced that people are being objective about their accounts because I know, like many other things, people want to believe that shit works. | ||
| Here's an example. | ||
| There was a stupid fucking thing going around where people were wearing these holograms. | ||
| Oh, those bracelet things? | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| And one of the guys that was selling it came to Vegas, and God, man, all these really talented athletes were swearing by this, man. | ||
| It was kind of crazy. | ||
| I was watching this mass hypnosis. | ||
| I mean, fucking Shane Carwin was telling me how great they were. | ||
| Yeah, really, really helped me. | ||
| I'm like, dude, you're a goddamn engineer. | ||
| You really think this chip of plastic and rubber band are on your fucking wrist? | ||
| It's a total placebo effect, right? | ||
| It convinces itself that it's positive. | ||
| It really does work. | ||
| Whereas you're actually drawing this positive energy to you. | ||
| Sure, just like religion, man. | ||
| If you really do believe that you're a fucking God soldier and you're out there doing God, you really truly believe that, man. | ||
| You will be better. | ||
| You will draw positive energy. | ||
| If you believe that praying to God brings you what you want in life, what you're really doing is just transmitting your positive thoughts, your positive energy. | ||
| I want this. | ||
| I'm drawing this to me. | ||
| I've got to manifest this in my life. | ||
| Yeah, I mean, it really does work. | ||
| So anyway, so these guys are selling them in Vegas and they're doing these carnival tricks to sell them. | ||
| The guy's like, okay, straighten your arm out. | ||
| Now I'm going to give you the bracelet. | ||
| Now straighten your arm out. | ||
| I'm like, what the fuck are you doing? | ||
| You don't think I understand leverage? | ||
| You move your arm. | ||
| You're in a different position now. | ||
| This is working on MMA guys, man. | ||
| People want to believe bullshit, is my point. | ||
| This is 2011. Crazy people are still wearing these goddamn rubber braces with these holograms on them. | ||
| But also in the life we live and the society we live in, people are always looking to get that upper hand and looking to get that slight edge. | ||
| And wow, if this bracelet can give me that slight edge over on my opponent, that slight edge in my work, then they want to believe that the bracelet's going to give them that edge. | ||
| And they give themselves that edge naturally by their self-belief. | ||
| Yep. | ||
| Okay, fine, if the bracelet helped you do it, but the bracelet, like you said, itself does not have any magical power. | ||
| It's the same in Australia. | ||
| There's a newspaper article that came out exposing those bracelets as fraud. | ||
|
unidentified
|
It's horse shit. | |
| It's total, complete, utter horse shit. | ||
| It's thievery. | ||
| These people are liars. | ||
| It's really simple. | ||
| They really believe that a goddamn piece of plastic is going to change your magnetic frequency. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Shit. | |
| Shut the fuck up, okay? | ||
| You know, I ain't hating. | ||
| I don't want you arrested. | ||
| You know, you made your money. | ||
| Congratulations. | ||
| But it's craziness. | ||
| But a lot of people want to believe in it. | ||
| And it's interesting to me that people are so anti-performance-enhancing drugs, yet they'll wear a rubber band with a fucking hologram on it. | ||
| You know, like it's going to reprogram your system. | ||
| Like, wait a minute, man. | ||
| What are you doing there? | ||
| That's not natural. | ||
| That's okay? | ||
| What if that hologram made you Superman? | ||
| Would that... | ||
| You know? | ||
| Would people still be complaining about it? | ||
| What if the hologram You put it on, and all of a sudden you're jumping over treetops. | ||
| Would you say, now we have to take it off? | ||
| It's too good? | ||
| Is it performance enhancing? | ||
| Does it draw the line of some drugs or what? | ||
| If it works at all, it's performance enhancing. | ||
| If it works at all, it's not natural. | ||
| It's so strange what arbitrary line in the sand we draw as to what is a vitamin, what is an athletic supplement, and what is performance enhancing. | ||
| At what level does it get? | ||
| Because all that shit is performance enhancing. | ||
| Goddamn vitamins are performance enhancing. | ||
| It's like a headache tablet because you've got a headache before a fight. | ||
| It's performance enhancing. | ||
| It's going to enhance your performance. | ||
| You know, anything can be constricted as performance enhancing. | ||
| Vitamins are. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I mean, if you're eating regular food and you're getting a certain amount of nutrients from food, and then on top of that, you're force-feeding yourself massive doses of vitamins, B12 and fucking... | ||
| Guess what? | ||
| That's performance enhancing. | ||
| I completely think it should be legal, and I think it's very healthy for you, and it's very beneficial for your body, and I'm not... | ||
| And that's saying that athletes shouldn't take it. | ||
| I'm saying, where does that line get drawn? | ||
| What do you think about... | ||
| Here's a perfect example, and I wanted to talk to you about this coming on the show. | ||
| Because you don't have a horse in this game. | ||
| What do you think about this whole testosterone replacement therapy thing? | ||
| What's going on with Nate Marquardt and all these other fighters? | ||
| That's a tricky little thing, isn't it? | ||
| It's difficult. | ||
| If you've got a testosterone depletion in your body and you need to take the drugs to boost your levels up to that of a normal person or that of the person you're competing against... | ||
| Listen though, Keith Kaiser, who I've had my problems with in the past, the head of the Nevada State Athletic Commission, took a very strong stance on this and I support him. | ||
| And one of the reasons why I support him is he won't allow testosterone replacement therapy for people who have tested positive for steroids before. | ||
| And you know why? | ||
| Because people that test positive for steroids, you ruin your fucking body when you take steroids and your nuts don't work anymore. | ||
| And that's what's going on. | ||
| Nuts fucking atrophy, right? | ||
| Right, right. | ||
| And shrink. | ||
| And if you cheek, your clip becomes like a dick. | ||
| And I see his argument in that there shouldn't be, as far as you want to compete as an athlete, when you've ruined your body from cheating. | ||
| You know, there is a strong moral statement to be made there that I do see that point. | ||
| I'm not necessarily sure that I agree with it, because I think you should be allowed to make mistakes in the past, and I know how much performance-enhancing effect a cycle that you did six years ago is gonna have on today, and it's nothing. | ||
| You might have damaged your body, but it doesn't mean that you shouldn't be able to stand up as an athlete to perform. | ||
| But I think you probably should have to do some sort of public relationship, explaining, and maybe perhaps letting people know, hey, please don't do steroids, because my balls don't work anymore. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| You wanna compete as an athlete? | ||
| And they should be much more stringent in your testing. | ||
| With your testing, they've got to watch you all year round. | ||
| They can't just, because guys will get super juiced, and then they level off right before they get on the scale. | ||
| They cycle, and then they hide it. | ||
| There's these masking factors you can use to hide it. | ||
| The way you can't beat it, I believe, I'm not sure, maybe someone can tell us, is blood testing. | ||
| Blood testing, you can even detect human growth hormone, which they're not doing in Nevada. | ||
| They're not doing blood testing. | ||
| Blood testing is a way around a lot of this. | ||
| And they recently got criticized by some anti-doping organization was talking about what the Nevada State Athletic Commission is doing. | ||
| And they're saying there's two reasons why their system is very ineffective. | ||
| And they're doing their best. | ||
| But the two reasons are, one, they're doing just urine testing, which just doesn't show enough. | ||
| It's the easiest thing to cheat, man. | ||
| I've heard so many stories of so many fighters and how they've cheated urine tests. | ||
| Well, how about dudes who show up with non-human piss? | ||
| Like Kevin Randleman had some non-human piss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah, exactly. | |
| He's like, got some possum piss. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Dude. | |
| Guys in Japan that have used fake penises. | ||
| So, you know, the commission guys standing next to them are here in America. | ||
| And they've got a fake fucking plastic dick that actually has someone else's piss in it. | ||
| So they're squeezing out of the dick someone else's piss that's clean, obviously. | ||
| Yeah, it's a urine whizzenator, I think. | ||
| It's not like the commission's going to go and touch their dick and check it's for real, you know? | ||
| It looks like a penis. | ||
| Yeah, it's hard to figure out. | ||
| So they have to stand, like, right over you. | ||
| So I guess these guys have to just get that pissing with the fake dick down. | ||
| They've got to get really good at it, you know? | ||
| Yeah, but there's ways that people mask it. | ||
| If a guy's not shy, though, he can go, let me see your dick. | ||
| Let me see it. | ||
| Let me touch it. | ||
| Pull the foreskin back. | ||
| That's a fake dick. | ||
| That's a fake dick. | ||
| I'm going to pull on it real quick. | ||
| We're shaking it in front of him like a jellyfish. | ||
| You motherfucker. | ||
| This is a fake dick. | ||
| How prevalent do you think growth is in the sport? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Huge. | |
| I think so too. | ||
| And, you know, there's been a few controversies. | ||
| There was a, you know, well, I shouldn't talk about that. | ||
| Look, here's the bottom line. | ||
| Anything that helps you, anything that makes your body perform better, for sure someone who's living is stepping into a goddamn cage and throwing their bones at somebody. | ||
| And the only exceptions are going to be someone who's an elite athlete who doesn't need it. | ||
| There's a lot of guys who don't need anything. | ||
| Young guys who are recovering at a high level still and they don't need it. | ||
| They're just high nutrition and taking care of their body. | ||
| Older athletes, man, when you get into guys that are in their late 30s, you see a guy like Bernard Hopkins. | ||
| Look, I am not going to cast any speculation as to what Bernard Hopkins is taking or not taking. | ||
| I'm a Bernard Hopkins fan. | ||
| I'm a fan of his technique, of his heart as a boxer. | ||
| But that said, isn't he like 46 years old? | ||
| 46, and he just beat Pascal for the light heavyweight belt, right? | ||
| Was it light heavyweight he fought at? | ||
| The thing that other people don't realize, too, is that guys aren't taking growth hormone just to get big. | ||
| That's what the common perception is. | ||
| They want to get big and get strong. | ||
| It's recovery. | ||
| Recovery time for their body. | ||
| And there's a lot of singers that take it, too. | ||
| I know of a lot of famous singers and actors that are getting on in years, especially singers that have to go under the duress of doing a lot of concerts on the road, high-intensity style of living, to take growth hormone just to keep young, just to maintain a youthful look and be able to recover the stress they put on their bodies. | ||
| It's not just strictly limited to athletes. | ||
| Yeah, but the athletes for sure are the ones who are going to need it because they're the ones who are worried about their actual physical health when it comes to competing. | ||
| They're the ones who are really going to need it and really going to want it. | ||
| And I always stress this, stopping steroids or stopping any of this is a finger in a dam that is eventually coming down because of science. | ||
| There's going to be a large scale ability to manipulate your own genetics. | ||
| It's just eventual. | ||
| It's going to happen. | ||
| There's no doubt about it. | ||
| They're looking into all sorts of artificial organs and recreating organs in labs and they've been successful in doing this. | ||
| We're successful in transplanting these and they're working on manipulating the human body at a very high level and they're not going to stop. | ||
| So it's eventually going to keep going in the same direction it's going and one of the directions is of course performance enhancing drugs, anti-aging drugs, Things that make people younger. | ||
| They've already discovered all sorts of different ways to manipulate the genetics to make, you know, mice stronger. | ||
| You know, those things called myostatin inhibitors that they've done with mice. | ||
| And there's photos of whippet dogs. | ||
| And apparently whippet dogs are more susceptible to this because of the way they breed them. | ||
| And that, you know, if they breed them incorrectly, if there's some sort of a mistake in the pairing or whatever, One of the offshoots, one of the fuck-ups is this lack of myostatin inhibitors. | ||
| And these whippets are giant, super-muscled dogs that don't even look real. | ||
| They're going to be able to do that to people, man. | ||
| Man, how fast we've become, man. | ||
| Can you imagine being alive in the 13th or 14th century when they had no fucking medicine like we have now? | ||
| When the surgical tools were fucking knives and... | ||
| Hacksaws and shit like that. | ||
| You couldn't take a painkiller, a headache tablet, nothing like that. | ||
| I was just in Hawaii and I was reading about the great history of Hawaii and what happened and how it became an American state and all the whole deal. | ||
| And one of the things was about how when white people first came over to Hawaii, one-fifth of the population died from disease. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Really? | |
| One-fifth. | ||
| Could you imagine... | ||
| And that's incredible, man. | ||
| That's just from that. | ||
| 20% of your population just... | ||
| And what's that? | ||
| A couple hundred years ago? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| You know, I mean, that's the amazing thing about it. | ||
| It's just a few hundred years ago. | ||
| But we were talking about that earlier on. | ||
| You know, like that downscaling of humanity from you go back 5,000 years ago and the ancient Greeks and the Egyptians and the ancient Romans just were so fucking intelligent, man. | ||
| We're mapping constellations. | ||
| We're mapping countries. | ||
| We're, you know, building machines back then that all of a sudden in the Dark Ages... | ||
| It just all disappeared. | ||
| Everything just fucking went downhill in a big way. | ||
| People are so flawed that as high as the heights can reach, there's always going to be a potential for a regress. | ||
| There's always like the tide comes in and it goes out. | ||
| And I think it's always moving forward, but there's always a potential for a Michelle Bachman-type presidential situation and religious fanaticism overcomes the earth and fucking... | ||
| Nuclear war. | ||
| There's always a potential for that. | ||
| And then there must be a rebuild. | ||
| Like, it will always move towards the positive and towards the more comprehensive and more evolved, but there's always the potential for relapses. | ||
| You're going to wonder, too, like, the Dogon tribe, I think they're called in Africa, these guys were fucking, thousands of you go, mapping out constellations. | ||
| Like a fucking tribe in Africa. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| Were there the guys who thought they were from Mars? | ||
| I think so, yeah. | ||
| Or visited from people that took them in crafts that could show them constellations. | ||
| You ever get behind that Mars theory shit and start looking at some of the things that people have seen? | ||
| I love reading that sort of stuff about that. | ||
| I love David Eick, one of my favorite authors, to read that sort of shit, but I keep an open mind. | ||
| There's a stone right down the street from my house. | ||
| When we're driving back, I'm going to point this out to you because it's a fascinating stone. | ||
| It's just a rock, man. | ||
| It's just a rock that's sitting there, but it looks like it was cut square. | ||
| It's not totally square. | ||
| But it just randomly turned out to be this rock, the way it's shaped. | ||
| And if you didn't know any better, or if you had a satellite and you were looking from Mars, you know, and you were studying Earth and you saw that rock, you'd be like, look, this is proof. | ||
| This is proof that intelligent life has created this rock. | ||
| But no, it's just a rock. | ||
| Dude, it comes again from people will believe what they want to believe. | ||
| When I was in Italy just a few weeks ago, I went to my sister's wedding down in this mountain town where she lives in southern Italy. | ||
| Town's got like 900 people in it. | ||
| And it's nothing in the town. | ||
| There's one fucking bar. | ||
| It's old. | ||
| Hundreds of years old. | ||
| George Clooney and the Americans. | ||
| Yeah, it's like nothing there, man. | ||
| Nothing there. | ||
| It's just this fucking old town up in the top of a mountain. | ||
| But this town has this window. | ||
| And as soon as we got there, this old dude's like, I've got to show you the window of the Madonna. | ||
| The window of the Madonna. | ||
| It's so famous. | ||
| The Pope came here to our town, you know, years and years and years ago. | ||
| He fucked a boy right in front of this window. | ||
| And checked it out. | ||
| So I'm like, okay. | ||
| Takes behind this little alleyway. | ||
| Takes Irene and I behind this alleyway. | ||
| And like a little fucking window. | ||
| And he's like, look, you see the Madonna. | ||
| What? | ||
| What are you talking about? | ||
| Because the second window across right on the end there, the Madonna, there was this oil stain on the window, like fucking someone throwing cooking oil on the window, that if you sort of looked at it and you had that picture in your mind that someone's telling you it looks like the Madonna, like the Virgin Mary, you think, yeah, okay, it looks maybe like a chick holding a baby. | ||
| It's like, oh, this is their big thing. | ||
| The Virgin Mary holding the baby, the Madonna, a sign on the window. | ||
| And for some reason, this fucking villager has managed to keep this oil stain on his window for like the past 30 years. | ||
| That's amazing. | ||
| Like, yeah. | ||
| To me, I'm looking at a guy, it's a fucking... | ||
| Oil stain, but people want to see what they want to see. | ||
| People want to see, oh, it's the Virgin Mary. | ||
| People go there and fucking pray to it. | ||
| The Pope apparently rocked up at this village fucking years ago, and yeah, okay, cool. | ||
| Listen, man, there's a broad spectrum of human beings. | ||
| And there's some dummies out there, man. | ||
| And that's an intelligent test. | ||
| That's what that oil painting is, man, or that oil stain is. | ||
| It's an intelligence test. | ||
| And there's going to be a lot of people that fail that test. | ||
| That's just the way it is. | ||
| It's unfortunate. | ||
| And I don't see any way around it until we figure out a way to have, like, super intelligent robots that do all the menial tasks that we need really dumb people. | ||
| And when we do have that happen, then it's going to be even more of a problem because it's going to be some sort of a weird, bizarre welfare state where we're going to have to take care of all these morons that we had given shitty jobs before because they really don't have anything to contribute. | ||
| We can ship them to Tasmania. | ||
| Ship them to Tasmania. | ||
| We've got to fix it. | ||
| You can't just do that. | ||
| You can't export. | ||
| As our society becomes more and more self-sufficient and more and more reliant on computers, and then we don't need people to do mundane, retard tasks, what the fuck, man? | ||
| We're going to have to... | ||
| Figure out some... | ||
| There's going to be some sort of an adjustment period where there's chaos. | ||
| Where the morons, you know, want their rights. | ||
| You know, it's going to be some plan on the age shit. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| For real, man. | ||
| I mean, look, you can't turn a group of people into little babies that always need their daddy and then just cast them loose in the woods and say, sorry, no more daddy. | ||
| You know, because that daddy, they're going to hate that daddy. | ||
| They're going to come back and they're going to want revenge. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| You know, and there's a lot of people out there that believe that they're guaranteed jobs. | ||
| And that's what, you know, politicians always talk about. | ||
| We're going to create jobs. | ||
| Yes! | ||
| Give me a job. | ||
| You owe me a fucking job. | ||
| You know, that's the point of this whole idea of everyone working together is that everyone has something to contribute. | ||
| But the reality is the way the system is set up. | ||
| There's a huge chunk of people that don't have anything to contribute, so they have to find some way to plug themselves into the bureaucracy, plug themselves into this complicated economic situation, and that just defeats the whole fucking purpose of the machine. | ||
| The whole purpose of the machine is everybody's got a little piece to play, everybody's got a little thing to do. | ||
| This place is... | ||
| We're in such a weird state as far as the evolution of society. | ||
| We're just getting past the need for that. | ||
| And when we do, what the fuck, man? | ||
| What are those poor people going to do? | ||
| That's why the elites want to drop everybody down to 500,000 people. | ||
| If you talk to Alex Jones, that's what he'll say. | ||
|
unidentified
|
The New World Order. | |
| The New World Order. | ||
| They're going to drop everybody down to 500,000 people and then they're going to work with it from there. | ||
| What do you think? | ||
| Worldwide, I don't think that's enough. | ||
| Worldwide, 500,000 people. | ||
| Yeah, I don't think that's enough. | ||
| That's not enough people, man. | ||
| Yeah, that's not enough. | ||
| Not for all that. | ||
| No, not enough at all. | ||
| Cities would just close down. | ||
| What do you have, like two people? | ||
| Ten people per city? | ||
| The idea is if you could kill most people and then rock all the resources in the world and have life extension. | ||
| And that's the idea, that you would have some incredible ability to stay alive forever, and, you know, if you did have, like, some crazy, like, super technical life, Aubrey de Grey, life extension technology that only the elites had a hold of, and you could live to be a thousand years old, well then, you know, you could have, like, harems and shit, and if there's only 500,000 people on the earth, you could rock it just like a king. | ||
| But then who does all the shit work? | ||
| You have robots to do. | ||
| Oh, the robots are doing all the shit jobs. | ||
| Robots do all the shit jobs. | ||
| There's only 500,000 people, and you just fuck everyone. | ||
| Oh, yeah. | ||
| And you live forever. | ||
| So polygamy just running wild. | ||
| Oh, yeah, Caligula-style, bro. | ||
| Fuck, man. | ||
| That's probably the future. | ||
| That's what everyone's scared of, right? | ||
| When they talk about the apocalypse, and it's always talks of gluttony. | ||
| I mean, every story is the same. | ||
| Every story is like the fall of Rome when it's told to us. | ||
| It's always the same thing. | ||
| They're fucking little boys and drinking and Vomitoriums where they throw up and go right back in to eat again. | ||
| And they were out of control. | ||
| And then they fell apart. | ||
| It's always the same goddamn story. | ||
| And if that is the same story, what the fuck are we doing right now? | ||
| We've got to pay attention. | ||
| Pay attention to what we're doing. | ||
| We're in wars all over the fucking planet. | ||
| We're involved in all sorts of fucking filth and craziness and the way we're polluting the environment and fucking devastating world economies and fucking people over in third world countries and providing with loans they can never pay back and then jacking all their resources. | ||
| I mean, it's, you know, it's one case after the other to show that this is happening right now. | ||
| Do you think back in those old days when they were raping and pillaging, they'd rape first then pillage? | ||
| Or would you pillage first, then rape? | ||
| It's a combo package. | ||
| You reckon to get your jollies off first and then pillage for all the golden shit? | ||
| Or do you go fucking take all the golden shit and now I'm going to rape a woman? | ||
| I think half the fun of the rape is you rape in front of everybody while you're pillaging because you just show you're such a wild fuck. | ||
| So you're in the room raping and the dude's just fucking stealing shit. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Not in the room. | |
| You're on the streets. | ||
| Oh, you're raping in the street? | ||
| You're raping everywhere. | ||
| No comfort raping? | ||
| Roman days, bro? | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| There was no comfort raping. | ||
| Raping? | ||
| No bed raping? | ||
| Just like fucking throw down on the... | ||
| Just logs and rocks and shit. | ||
| Coliseum here. | ||
| You don't care if it feels good for her. | ||
| As long as it feels good for you. | ||
| Yeah, they're just savages. | ||
| You don't hear much about rape these days, which I'm glad. | ||
| I mean, you don't hear much about rape. | ||
| Really? | ||
| You're good on the internet. | ||
| No, man. | ||
| But in Australia, rape's a crime that seemed to be trendy for criminals in the 80s and early 90s, but not many rapists these days. | ||
| Well, you know what Australia wised up and did? | ||
| Legalize prostitution. | ||
| Yeah, that's true. | ||
| Actually, that's a good point. | ||
| I forget you guys don't have that a lot here. | ||
| There's a big goddamn difference. | ||
| And even if you don't want sex, you just want to go somewhere and get jerked off. | ||
| In Australia, that is completely... | ||
| You can go drink your lunch break and get a 15-minute handjob for like 40 bucks at a brothel if you find one, you know? | ||
| There's plenty around. | ||
| And it's clean, and that's a wrap. | ||
| It's just a hand on your cock, just a nice little massage. | ||
| What's the big deal about a hand on the fucking cock? | ||
| Exactly. | ||
| What's the big fucking deal? | ||
| If you're working with some chick and you say to her, listen, give me a fucking toss in the toilet cubicle, what's the big deal of a chick putting her hand in her cock and just jerking you? | ||
| If it was only that. | ||
| But they're worried that you're going to leave and become in a relationship with this woman who's really good at jerking you off and then you're going to leave. | ||
| That's what it's set up for. | ||
| If a business has employed a professional handjob artist to come in and service dudes during their lunch break? | ||
| Just fucking... | ||
| There you go. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Next. | |
| Next. | ||
| Relax for the afternoon. | ||
| Ready to go. | ||
| It's set up to keep the family. | ||
| It's set up to make sure that there's no threats to the family. | ||
| And one of the threats to the family unit is the man getting pussy in other places. | ||
| And he's like... | ||
| I'm married to this bitch. | ||
| Why am I supporting this system? | ||
| And that man will not pay as many taxes. | ||
| He won't be as successful. | ||
| The money will go to the woman and it gets distributed totally differently. | ||
| There's benefit in the man being involved in the family. | ||
| There's benefit for a society. | ||
| If you go back to Rome, the way they mapped out how society should be, one of the things was to connect people with families. | ||
| That way men can be trusted and become reliable. | ||
| When men are single and they don't have their own children, they don't have a dog or a plant, they're just wild fuck machines. | ||
| The male goal is to just fly to different spots all over the planet, shoot loads, and get out of there until they have responsibility. | ||
| So it's very difficult to collect the appropriate amount of taxes and to be able to control that man. | ||
| It's very hard to control the wild single man. | ||
| That's why nobody wants a single president. | ||
| We've got one. | ||
| Do you really? | ||
| Australian Prime Minister. | ||
| Julia Gillard's not married. | ||
| Is it a girl? | ||
| Yeah, Julia Gillard. | ||
| She's probably eating pussy like a champ. | ||
| She's probably out there choking bitches and eating her assholes. | ||
| She'd have a hairy red-headed pussy too. | ||
| Fire pussy. | ||
| Is she gay? | ||
| No, no, no. | ||
| Well, no, apparently not. | ||
| She has a boyfriend. | ||
| I forget his name. | ||
| A partner. | ||
| She's not married. | ||
| No kids. | ||
| Not married. | ||
| Good for her. | ||
| Yeah, Julia Gillard. | ||
| Well, look, it takes every kind of people to make this crazy world go round. | ||
| Maybe that's what it works when you don't have an army. | ||
| But in America, we would never tolerate that shit. | ||
| I'll just tell you that right now. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Maybe... | |
| I mean, do you have an army in Australia? | ||
| You must. | ||
| I'm just kidding. | ||
| We've got an army. | ||
| Yeah, yeah. | ||
| Australia, our specialty is like our special ops. | ||
| And even the Americans will tell you that. | ||
| It's like the Aussie guys are known for, let's say, Afghanistan. | ||
| They send our guys in first. | ||
| They're like scouts, reconnaissance. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Right. | |
| And we check out the fucking scene and scope it out. | ||
| And then the Americans and everyone goes in. | ||
| But that's what the Aussies are specialty at, is that fucking going in first... | ||
| Scoping out the fucking place. | ||
| Sort of like Crocodile Dundee could get really close to the enemy's camp and they wouldn't even know he was in the woods. | ||
| Right? | ||
| Yeah, Aussies are great. | ||
| Our special forces, I think it's called SAG. Special arm. | ||
| So you have the sneakiest special forces. | ||
| Yeah, we're the sneaky little fuckers. | ||
| We go in early, we scope the fucking shit out. | ||
| Then it's like, call in the Americans! | ||
| Bomb the joint! | ||
| Alright, you guys come in and fucking... | ||
| Yeah, what a convenient relationship that we have then. | ||
| But yeah, we're in the first. | ||
| We're always in the first. | ||
| So you do have an army and a woman president. | ||
| Female Prime Minister? | ||
| Because we use the British legal system. | ||
| There's people that think that could work here. | ||
| This is the next wave. | ||
| This Michelle Bachman wave and this Sarah Palin wave. | ||
| And here's what's interesting about it, if you don't know. | ||
| Michelle Bachman is married, first of all, to a gay guy. | ||
| She's married to a wildly gay character who operates a pray-the-gay-away clinic. | ||
| Pray-the-gay-away? | ||
| Oh, one of those people who tries to pray the gay out of people. | ||
| Not only that, I believe they take tax money for these fucking clinics. | ||
| They're allowed to... | ||
| Somehow or another, at least this has been told to me on Twitter. | ||
| I shouldn't even repeat it until I look into it. | ||
| But from what I understand, they operate on some sort of tax money. | ||
| Somehow or another, they operate on taxes. | ||
| I need to look into it to find out it's true. | ||
| But what is true, for sure, whether that guy knows it or not, he's gay as fuck. | ||
| He is gay as Ricky Martin in an airport hangar full of dicks. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Fuck. | |
| This guy's gay. | ||
| This guy's gay. | ||
| He might not know it, but the way he walks, the way he talks. | ||
| And he was talking about gay people being barbarians. | ||
| He called them barbarians. | ||
| And so all these gay dudes dressed up as barbarians and went to his clinic. | ||
| And there's a YouTube video. | ||
| I tweeted it a few days ago. | ||
| There's a YouTube video of these guys. | ||
| And the guy sent me a thing like, thanks for tweeting it. | ||
| And I go, dude, is that you? | ||
| You're a fucking hero. | ||
| They showed up at this guy's clinic, and then they start acting like barbarians. | ||
| And they're wearing really campy barbarian outfits. | ||
| And then at the end, they take a photo, and the guy's name is Marcus Bachman. | ||
| And all together they go, Marcus, what's in your closet? | ||
| Oh, no. | ||
| I mean, it's just, it's so ridiculous. | ||
| They throw glitter on, like, Newt Gingrich. | ||
| They throw glitter on Michelle Bachman, like, to, you know, to, like, you know, let them, make them, make them, force them to stay aware of, you know, gay rights and gay needs. | ||
| Who do you think's gay, Elton John or Ricky Martin? | ||
| I think they're probably equally gay. | ||
| More Elton John because he's been around back when there was no internet and you could just go crazy, freak, orgy, gay with crazy sunglasses on. | ||
| Do you reckon he gives it or receives it? | ||
| Elton John gives it, I would say. | ||
| Do you reckon Elton's a giver? | ||
| Except head. | ||
| I think he receives the head. | ||
| But gives the fucking up the cool up the ass. | ||
| And Ricky? | ||
| I say both. | ||
| He does whatever. | ||
| Double Adepta, really? | ||
| Yeah, he's fucking moving around. | ||
| He's moving and shaking. | ||
| He's not adverse to any kind of experiences. | ||
| Hey, you say, oh, but you know what? | ||
| If you were gay, you would say, oh, the other way. | ||
| I have a friend who's gay. | ||
| It's a comic. | ||
| And he said, first time I saw a pussy, I was like, ew, when's it going to heal? | ||
| We said the same when we were young. | ||
| We're talking about a chick's pussy. | ||
| It's like, show us where the X hit you. | ||
| I heard that as well. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Gash. | |
| When I was very young, but I didn't remember it. | ||
| Show us where the ex hit you. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Oh, man. | ||
| Why did I ask you that? | ||
| Elton John and Ricky Martin. | ||
| Yeah, man. | ||
| Why did you ask me that? | ||
| That's because you're used to doing that. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| With that whole fucking voice verses. | ||
| You always have two questions. | ||
| I'm used to the quirky questions. | ||
| To throw people off. | ||
| See, with Elton John, it'd be a knockout, chokeout, wedgie, or head job of another guy. | ||
| Not the bowl of fried shrimp. | ||
| Yeah, Elton John's been around for a long-ass time, dude. | ||
| He had some killer hits, though. | ||
| Dude, fucking hell. | ||
| He had a weird relationship, too. | ||
| Like, one guy would write the song. | ||
| Yeah, Bernie Taubman would write the songs, and Elton would sing them, and Elton plays the piano. | ||
| Fucking genius artist, though. | ||
| Yeah, genius artist. | ||
| Genius fucking artist. | ||
| There's something... | ||
| I really appreciate a guy who writes and produces all of his own shit. | ||
| For whatever reason, it's like... | ||
| Like a comic. | ||
| If I find out that a comic has joke writers, I don't like him as much as a comic that doesn't have joke writers. | ||
| And for whatever reason, man, it's the same thing. | ||
| I know that Elton John's brilliant, and I love his songs, but I would like him more if he wrote them. | ||
| You know what I mean? | ||
| Does that make sense? | ||
| Are you still into country music? | ||
| Because last time we did the voice verses, you were all getting up country music and shit, man. | ||
| I like Dwight Yoakam. | ||
| I like some country music. | ||
| And I like some music that you wouldn't consider country. | ||
| I like Leonard Skinner, which is really like southern rock. | ||
| There's a lot of country in southern rock. | ||
| There's a song called The Ballad of Curtis Lowe. | ||
| That's a goddamn country song. | ||
| It's a great song. | ||
| But there's a lot of... | ||
| It's a style of American music that I don't think gets enough respect. | ||
| There's some jamming country songs. | ||
| Sorry, going back to gay people. | ||
| Apparently, mixed martial arts has a huge gay following. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Huge gay following. | ||
| Men with perfect bodies that get on top of other men. | ||
| I was talking to Andrew Simon, the CEO of HDNet, a couple of days ago, and we'll talk about ratings and demographic of viewers and that. | ||
| He's like huge gay viewership. | ||
| Of course. | ||
| Huge gay viewership. | ||
| Yeah, I would imagine. | ||
|
unidentified
|
Yeah. | |
| I would imagine. | ||
| Especially ones like brutes. | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| Can you imagine a gay girl getting a bone over Brock Lesnar? | ||
| I've seen gay couples at fights before. | ||
| Oh, really? | ||
| Yeah, for sure. | ||
| Gay couples enjoying fights. | ||
| Guys who you just know are gay. | ||
| You know? | ||
| One guy's... | ||
| Yeah. | ||
| No doubt. | ||
| No doubt. | ||
| I've seen it a bunch of times. | ||
| Would a gay guy still get the same reaction, though, if he fucked a girl in the ass? | ||
| A girl in the ass. | ||
| What do you mean? | ||
| Okay, so a gay guy will fuck another gay guy in the ass. | ||
| Right. | ||
| But would a gay guy be opposed to fucking a girl in the ass? | ||
| I mean, an ass is still an ass. | ||
| I think gay men look at women much more sexually than a straight guy could ever look at a gay man. |
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